weekend free-for-all – December 30-31, 2017

by Alison Green on December 30, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Mortified: Love Is a Battlefield, by David Nadelberg. I’m obsessed with the Mortified podcast (based on the Mortified stage show where people read their real-life diaries and letters from adolescence, and believe me, the name fits), and this is a book with more of the same. I’ve recommended their first book in the past as well, and their entire empire is delightful.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,637 comments }

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    1. Overeducated*

      I’m not going that far but I definitely feel like I need a dietary overhaul involving much less butter and sugar and much more vegetables and beans. (Almost interested in the Whole 30 idea but honestly I don’t quite have the time to cook those menus.)

      1. Samata*

        I did the Whole30 without cooking at all. It was pretty easy to stay compliant. By way of salads. Lots and lots of salad with O&V.

      1. Fiennes*

        I did a thing for a while where one meal of the day was vegan, another was vegetarian, and only one involved meat. It allowed for a lot of flexibility while still challenging me to get creative with options, and greatly decreased my meat intake. My partner and I are considering starting this up again soon.

        1. Helpful*

          It really gets you eating more fruits and vegetables, which is a major win. Once you take away cheese and crackers as a legitimate lunch, you have to be way more creative. :)

          1. Overeducated*

            I tried that one year…the problem for me was that I love dinner leftovers for lunch, so getting that creative was not a fun change! (Also, almond milk in my coffee.) Might have to try for a modification like meatless Mondays, but vegan.

    3. Book Lover*

      I have officially eaten too much of everything. However, I pretty much enjoyed it, and will choose to worry about it on Monday :)

        1. JD*

          This is what we are saying today. I am hungry as heck today however as everything I ordered to eat yesterday was prepared wrong to the point of me barely wanting to eat it. I don’t like onions people!! Arg. Hoping for decent food today and then laying off the booze and Fat Tuesday.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I’m not personally going that far but I typically cut waaaay back on sugar in January and try to do a general diet reset. No sweet baked goods or dessert, avoid adding sugar, avoid French fries, that sort of thing.

      1. Samata*

        I like the no baked goods or deserts for January. Those are my weaknesses for the most part and if I can get out of the habit of them my life gets much easier.

    5. Rainy*

      I’ve been sick since the Thursday before Christmas, and wasn’t able to eat anything but tea and crackers until just the other day. All my grand plans for delicious holiday food…just didn’t happen. :/

    6. AdAgencyChick*

      Normally I overindulge in some kind of food (cheese, sweets) in December. This leaves me feeling chubby.

      This December I have been overindulging in alcohol, so now I feel chubby AND dehydrated. :/

    7. Coywolf*

      Well I went vegan 2 years ago and cheese was the hardest thing to resist but if you keep it up long enough your taste buds change and even if you ate cheese again it probably wouldn’t taste as good as it used to! Little by little I’ve become more sensitive to salty and high fat foods, they taste too salty or feel too oily to me all of a sudden and cheese is both of those things! Good luck!

    8. GirlwithaPearl*

      I’m doing a January Whole 30 and cannot wait.

      First I need to consume all the cheese in my fridge. Also the wine.

      1. Pretend Scientist*

        One of my co-directors at work did this with Moe’s queso. It was delivered by a Pharma rep, I think, and she took a ton home in a coffee travel mug, ate it all, and subsequently wanted to die the next morning. She said that she felt dehydrated from all the salt more than anything else.

  2. I Love Thrawn*

    I hope this is ok; if not I understand if it gets removed. I’m only posting here because we are kind of desperate. My cat Toby is 13 years old, an orange tabby. He came into my life when he was three weeks old, found in someone’s car engine on a cold day. I believe that loss of his mother too early led to his health issues in his senior years, which I’ve managed until now. Right now, we are dealing with his need for a dental procedure for his resorptive lesions; teeth are being reabsorbed into his jaw. Surgery is required now. Extraction if we are lucky, but it might need his jaw drilled into. This is painful and progressive. And do I need to add expensive?

    I started a GoFundMe for him, but my problem now is one of exposure. Just don’t know enough people, and my social media prescence is almost non existent, so our success here is probably not going to happen. If anyone is interested in contributing or even passing the word on to others, purrhaps, I would be grateful. Prayers and good thoughts for his procedure and recovery are also very welcome. Details can be found at GoFundMe by searching for Toby dental surgery, Tallahassee. He’s the cute orange cat. Thanks and Happy New Year!

    1. Hrovitnir*

      Good luck. I hope you can get the money – it’s amazing how much it improves their quality of life, even though they feel a bit crap for a little afterwards.

    3. Tara*

      You should try posting the page to reddit at reddit.com/r/assistance and reddit.com/r/gofundme.

      They have a couple thousand subscribers each. I’ve also seen people post albums of cute cat pictures to imgur.com with the story of how you got the cat, pictures throughout its life, what’s happening now and a link to the gofund me page in the text at the end.

      1. Safetykats*

        My cat just has two teeth extracted for the same issue; it is expensive. I’m going to share your gofundme on my FB and I hope it helps. You can also try angels4animals.org or graciesmission.org, they are organizations that provide help with vet bills.

        2. Safetykats*

          Also make sure when you share your gofundme on FB that you make the post public. You can change the privacy settings for that post only. That way your FB friends can share it more widely. I mention that because while I can find the gofundme on their site, I can’t find it searching FB – so I think you might be sharing it with a narrow privacy setting.

      2. I Love Thrawn*

        I just put him on the reddit page. Wow, there are some seriously heart breaking requests on that page.

    4. Former Employee*

      https://redrover.org/

      If you can’t raise all of the money on your own, contact Red Rover (link, above). They help people with expenses they can’t cover for their animal’s medical needs, among other things. Just go to their site, click on resources at the top and under that there is “apply for help”.

      Best of luck to you and Toby. Please let us know what happens.

    5. AnonAndOn*

      Unfortunately I can’t donate due to going through financial difficulties, but I shared it to my social media. Good luck in getting the help you need!

    6. Eagan and Rory's Meowma*

      I love ginger kitties! Toby is so precious. I have two of my own. We’ve donated and my kitties have shared the GoFundMe link on their Instagram account, they have about 600 followers, so hopefully that helps! Have a lovely New Year!

    7. Alison Read*

      I rarely read the open thread, I’m glad I did today. I wish your little wooby the best possible health, I couldn’t spare much but hopefully a bunch of little donations will add up to get him the treatment he needs. Kudos for taking on what to most cats would be a death sentence. I am encouraged by the other poster’s comment that their wooby improved after the same treatment.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        We really appreciate it. And your lil guy is so cute! That face, oh my goodness. I’ve heard from other cat moms on this subject; I am nervous about it, but we have to do this for him. Happy New Year!

    8. MsChanandlerBong*

      Good luck to Toby! I wish I could have given more, but my job situation just changed, so we have to tighten our belts for a few weeks. Hopefully, a lot of little donations will add up to the amount you need.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        Thanks so much ! So many people have been so kind to Toby today. I told him so too. Happy New Year.

    10. AnonEMoose*

      I’m not in a position to donate just now, but I shared the GoFundMe to a group I’m in on Facebook that I know really loves their kitties (and dogs, and birds, and…). Very best of luck to you and Toby!

    11. Pretend Scientist*

      Donated. We have had many cat health issues this year and lost Diego in March to a pituitary tumor, and Bubby passed away from end-stage FIV on 12Dec. Difficult as it has been, I have been mindful that we have been incredibly lucky to be able to afford regular, specialty and emergency vet visits (feline neurologist? who knew?!)–quality veterinary care is so expensive. We spent NYE last year at PVSEC in Pittsburgh with Diego (Toby looks a lot like him). I hope he has a successful procedure and full recovery. My parents’ cat had abscessed teeth removed soon after they adopted her ~10 years ago, and the recovery (and her new-found enthusiasm for pain-free eating) was great.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        Thank you so much for your kindness. I’ve been able to keep up with his more routine illnesses and needs, it’s just that this particular issue has such a high price tag. Happy New Year!

    12. Bye Academia*

      I donated! I hope you are close enough that you can go through with the surgery. My cat had a dental a few months ago and it really does make a difference. Good luck!

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        Thanks!! Yep, we are very close now. Maybe another week, factoring in all logistics. The kindness of strangers has been amazing.

  3. Courtney*

    Tell me how you celebrate New Years Eve if you stay at home for it! Since having kids my husband and I usually end up falling asleep before midnight hits, but we’ve had a very hectic month and I’m looking for inspiration on ways to make the night a little more special once the kids are in bed.

    1. Ann Furthermore*

      For the last few years we’ve spent NYE with 2 other families. Our kids are all friends, so they all run around together, and the adults hang out drinking cocktails. We always have dinner too. This year I’m going to make a leg of lamb. My mom brought it over a few months ago, and it’s been in my freezer. She found it on sale at the grocery store and couldn’t pass it up.

      1. Courtney*

        This sounds really fun! Most of our friends are childfree and will be going out, but a good idea for if we ever find some parent friends.

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          It’s hard to find parent friends that you get along with, and who have kids you get along with. We were really lucky. One family had the in-home daycare my daughter went to for about 4 years, and we got to be good friends with them, and my daughter is close friends with their kids. The other family has been friends with them for years — they all went to high school together. Their son is the same age as my daughter, and they are best buddies and are in the same class. And we’ve become close friends with them too.

      2. blackcat*

        This is what I did as a kid! Tons of fun. Everyone (adults included) slept over.

        Just as a warning, though, starting around 14, we were able to sneak booze out from under the adults noses. In retrospect, it is entirely possible the adults decided we were old enough and the environment was safe enough that they didn’t care.

        1. the gold digger*

          At a family reunion where a lot of people were camping, I said something to my cousin about all the drinking teenagers. She replied that she wanted her kids to have a miserable drinking experience in an environment where they were not driving and there were adults around.

    2. Overeducated*

      This isn’t quite what you’re asking, but I like the New Year’s Day brunch substitute – celebration with food at a time i am more awake.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        We are doing this for the first time this year with three other families and I am looking forward to it!

    3. Adjunct Gal*

      I’d be curious too. Technically It’s our dating anniversary also, but getting a sitter for NYE is $$$ as well as next to impossible. We used to go out to see friends, but now that we have a dog also…well, it’s just better to stay home.

      Maybe games, a fancier dinner than usual, a little wine, and a good movie?

    5. another Liz*

      When I was little, my parents did parties like Ann’s, kids downstairs adults upstairs. It was a blast.

      This year, it’s been super hectic. We’re doing a movie and some wine by the Christmas tree.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I’m usually in bed by 10:30 or so, so we really don’t do anything; it’s a regular night for us. In years past we would buy some cheese and crackers, and maybe some shrimp cocktail. We’d watch the ball drop and then head to bed. Real party animals, we are.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Last year I told my family about how they have Netflix countdown videos so parents can trick younger children into going to bed earlier. Around 10:00 pm, my sixteen-year-old son said, “Mom, can you “trick” us with one of those videos? I’m tired.” So we played a countdown video, had a champagne/sparkling grape juice toast, and went to bed.

        3. Courtney*

          I saw the NYE thing on our Kid profile but didn’t realize what it was – I’ll definitely have to check that out!

    7. Windchime*

      I always stay home for New Years Eve. I am just not much of a partier or drinker. I live in a place with easy access to illegal fireworks, so it’s usually impossible to sleep before midnight because of the fireworks/explosions happening all around. So I get myself a nice snack and do a project while the Twilight Zone marathon (Syfy channel) plays in the background. Last year I cleaned my master bedroom closet.

      Yeah. So it’s pretty wild around here.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t do much either, but this year I was invited over to a friend’s house. We’ll probably just play cards or something. I was kind of hoping for a party, but it’s going to be so frickin cold. Ugh.

    8. The gold digger*

      Best party ever was NY’s Eve in Paris: party started about 4:00 p.m. central and was over by 8:00 p.m.

    9. DanaScully*

      We have a Chinese takeaway and pop a bottle of something fizzy. Usually we watch the New Years specials on TV and join in the countdown.

    10. Book Lover*

      I can’t keep my eyes open past about 10, so we do a lovely family dinner, put the kids to bed as usual, and go to sleep before the fireworks start. Sorry, not what you are looking for, but the kids are going to be bouncing out of bed at 6 and that means getting some sleep if I am going to be functional.

    11. tab*

      My husband and I always stay in. I don’t like to be on the roads early New Years morning. I make cheese fondue with broccoli & cauliflower for dipping, and I get a tiny dessert from Whole Foods. I always stay up ’till midnight, but my husband doesn’t bother. We have brunch with friends late the next morning.

    12. Peggy*

      My wife and I had an exhausting year. Usually we go to a party, but this year we’re going to cook a feast (filet Mignon and shrimp) and make mocktails and watch movies. We’re in our 3rd round of IUI, we’ll find out if she’s pregnant next week, so we’re not drinking. We’re way overdue for a quiet night in just the two of us!

    13. Incantanto*

      Going to a social dance (contra) to dance the night away then going to the afterparty at the callers house. Have been told to bring dance shoes and wine. Should be fun.
      Unfortunately its a hour away by train and strikes are looming

    14. Suddenly Free*

      Up till this year we’d mostly stay in and *try* to stay awake for the fireworks, with varying success. Occasionally we’ve had friends over, eaten lots of yummy food, booze for those who partake, etc. This is our first year without spouse/dad. We’re having a few close friends over. Hoping to start the new year on a positive note. 2017 was brutal.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I will be on my own, so I have ordered a festive meal which just requires reheating and will perhaps go out briefly to see the fireworks, but it has been really cold and snowy here.

      2. Nines*

        I’m sorry for your loss. The first holidays are always tough without the presence of a loved one. I’m glad you will have some friends over to spend the time with. That has helped our extended family immensely with the loss we had this year.

      3. Connie-Lynne*

        I lost my husband as well this year; you have my sympathy.

        I’m gonna have a far more mellow new year this year.

    15. Laura*

      Honestly, at my house it’s 2 things- our favorite contraband- for me that’d be Cheeto puffs, Oreos, Easy Cheese-the spray can stuff, American flavor-, and ritz crackers- and the Twilight Zone Marathon on theSci Fi channel.

      Seeing as I’m fighting off the ick this year, prolly gonna be modified.

    16. Nines*

      We usually just do a movie with something bubbly at midnight. This year we’re trying something new to incorporate the seven year old and I’m really excited about it! We have a local Native American organization that focuses on substance abuse and they do a huge pow wow every year all day long. So we’re taking the kiddo this year. Not sure we’ll make it to midnight, but I’m excited to have a family friendly celebratory event for us to go to this year.

    17. Gadfly*

      Netflix? Snacks? Reading? Bubble bath?Calling and chatting with people? I don’t know. I’ve been old and boring since before I was young.

      Neo-pagan rituals (SMIB!) is my back up plan, but I’m leaning Netflix.

    18. anon24*

      I don’t have kids, but I’m very laid back, don’t like crowds or parties, and don’t drink, so I always stay home on NYE. I would love to have a few people over to chill, but I don’t have any friends and all my husband’s friends are partiers and drinkers. The two of us usually stay home and snack on food, shrimp, cheese, crackers, etc. This year we made caramel popcorn and I’m going to make cinnamon buns so it will be a true junk food fest that will probably have us both wondering why on earth we ate so much. We usually watch a movie or he plays video games and I read. I don’t usually bother to stay up, he stays up and watches the ball drop on his tablet and then goes to bed. We’re so boring :)

    19. oranges & lemons*

      I usually cook something nice and have a few people over. This year is paella and a few simple tapas. Still refining the menu…

    20. Aphrodite*

      I’m having four friends over for NYE from about 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm. We’ll snack on salad, tomato soup, and some of the frozen appetizers from TJ’s as well as champagne, sparkling water and white pomegranate tea as we chat, laugh and play board games. It may not be exciting to some but it works for us–and we all still get to be in bed at an early, reasonable time. (We are at the age where that is a wonderful thing.)

    22. Connie-Lynne*

      Usually my Burning Man village goes off into the mountains to celebrate and have a campout at a 4H camp.

      This year, the logistics of me getting there are too much (I have PTSD that makes it hard for me to drive alone, particularly over bridges and mountainous areas). But I’m really looking forward to hanging out with another friend, in town. We’re going to get together and cook a big dinner and just enjoy hanging out.

    23. Clever Name*

      I’m not really big on going out for NYE. I remember my parents had big parties when I was growing up. Grown ups would play board games and the kids would play the Nintendo in the basement. So now that I have my own kid, I like to have friends over and do the same. I’m newly divorced this year, and I’m having a few girlfriends bring their kids and we’ll celebrate together. I just hope I can make it to midnight!

    24. Ramona Flowers*

      We are staying in and I’m so happy. We were meant to go to the local pub with friends. Husband said he wasn’t sure he wanted to bother and apparently the look on my face showed how thrilled I would be to just stay in. We have pizza and Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit and lots of snacks!

    25. Bluebell*

      Visiting nearby friends for dinner -which almost counts as staying home. They have a fireplace though which makes it nicer, and we make dinner together, and have fancy hors d’ouevres.

    26. AnonEMoose*

      We’re doing a night in. Probably movies and watching a countdown video with a non-alcoholic toast at midnight. Doing a light dinner as I woke up with a pretty unhappy stomach this morning. Though it’s doing better now.

    27. Die Forelle (The Trout)*

      My husband and I are livestreaming the Phish concert at Madison Square Garden and we have some champagne to enjoy. He’s the Phish fan and I’m on here/reading a book when the jams start to drag.

      We can see our city’s fireworks display from our apartment building roof, so we’ll probably go up there to watch that if we stay awake until midnight. I’ve always enjoyed a quieter New Year’s Eve. My family would get together with another family who had daughters who are about the same age as me and my sister. We’re scattered to the four winds now, but I’ve enjoyed seeing glimpses of everyone’s at-home celebrations on my social media feeds today.

  4. Ann Furthermore*

    Also, it’s the one night of the year when we all tell the kids they can stay up as late as they want.

  5. Bibliovore*

    okay, finally, finally , finally feel human again. Two rounds of antibiotics and steroids. Anxiety rising about the thing we do not discuss on weekends. On the other hand, it is thirteen below zero and I don’t have to be anywhere.I have a stack of books to read. A warm dog who understands how to use a pee pad, gas fire, and enough food in the fridge for the duration. There will be laundry, a lot of reading, and maybe something in the Instant Pot. I might bake something.

    1. nep*

      Feels great to feel human again after being through the wringer like that, doesn’t it? Glad to hear you’re feeling better. And that you don’t have to be anywhere in this freaking uninhabitable weather.
      What are you reading?
      Enjoy.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Top of the pile is How to Read Nancy by Paul Karasik and Mark Newgarden, Pablo And Birdy by Alison McGhee, and an advance of Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, Holt, March 2018.

    1. nep*

      Same. It’s to the point we are glad when it gets to the teens or — heat wave — 20s. And it’s supposed to stay this cold through next weekend. Ugh. Hate. (One consolation — not a lot of new snow right now. No way I would shovel in this brutal cold — too dangerous.)

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Me too. and it snowed yesterday, so I need to go out to shovel it. It’ll take me 10 minutes to get outside with all the bundling. :(

    3. WellRed*

      I know most people hate winter, but I like it for the most part because:
      an excuse to be all warm and cozy indoors with tea and a big stack of reading
      sparkling snow and giant ice stalactites are pretty
      sea smoke if you live by the sea
      fewer bugs
      noisy neighbors are stuck inside too!
      It’s -13 where I am.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m so tired of the cold. Apparently yesterday it was warmer on Mars than it was here.

      1. Former Employee*

        It was about 80 in L.A. on Friday. It should be somewhere in the 70’s for the next several days and then drop into the 60’s.

        I’m glad it will be warm for the Rose Parade since people camp out overnight. Should be in the upper 40’s/lower 50’s New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day in the early morning. I don’t recall exactly when, but several years ago, it was so cold New Year’s Eve night that they put out hypothermia warnings for the people camped out on the street. Yes, it was in the very low 30’s. And people wonder why someone like me who lives in SoCal owns a coat!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          With climate change making the weather so unpredictable, I would definitely keep one coat if/when I move out there! Besides, you might want to go into the mountains, where it’s definitely much cooler.

    6. Tris Prior*

      I’m really grateful that I (mostly) don’t have to go out again until Wednesday when I am back at work. Though we have to do a grocery run today. Booooo. Last I checked it was SEVEN degrees out. Which, at least it’s above zero? Ugh, this sucks.

  7. C Average*

    I’m writing this on a plane to Honolulu, where I am having what I’m describing to friends as a little offsite with myself.

    I’m going to spill my guts here, because I’ve always valued this community as a safe place to share personal and work-related things.

    My life has been in such a skid the last few years. A decade ago, I had a job I loved at a company I’d long aspired to work for.

    Then I took a promotion I should have passed up and ended up in a dead-end role I sucked at, working for a manager I couldn’t stand.

    Around the same time I married a guy with two kids. I had some trepidation about this, but I loved him and got along well with the kids, who lived with us part-time.

    Everything has gone so wrong.

    A series of family tragedies landed the kids with us full-time. I left my job to take care of them. The older kid was severely traumatized by everything that happened, and she turned the full force of her pain and rage on me. For several years I endured psychological and emotional abuse from her, as well as physical threats. Her father chose not to get involved.

    Then my sister got cancer. She’s okay now, but it’s been a very difficult journey.

    I left my husband in the spring. The divorce will be final in the next couple of months. I live alone with my cat. I work retail—I haven’t had much luck jump-starting my stalled career. I’m really happy doing what I’m doing, but it’s paycheck to paycheck. It’s hard. It’s probably always going to be hard.

    The political events of the past few years have been really hard for me, too.

    It hasn’t been all awful. I had an irregular mammogram that turned out to be nothing. I took some design classes and am gaining skills in sewing, something I’ve always loved. I wrote a first draft of a novel and am working on the revision. I’ve found a few wonderful friends. I have a tiny, beautiful, affordable apartment in an area that’s in the city but feels like the country. I got a new-to-me car in the divorce settlement and sometimes on my day off I drive out to the coast, and no one tells me when I need to be home. I’m closer to my sister than I’ve ever been; we both call ourselves survivors.

    I really want 2018 to be the year the skid ends. I know worse things have happened to better people, I know everyone is fighting some kind of battle, I know I still have a lot to be thankful for. I’m trying. But it would sure be nice to catch a few breaks.

    I had a huge airline credit from a trip to Europe I was supposed to take with my ex and his kids. It needed to be used soon, and it’s hard to get much time off working retail. So I am blowing the whole thing on three days in Hawaii for New Year’s. Yeah, it’s a little crazy. But I’ve been dealing with so much of the bad kind of crazy that I’m ready for a little bit of the good kind.

    Happy New Year to Alison and to all of you here. I hope it’s a great year for all of you. You’re a wonderful community, and I’ve learned so much great stuff here. You’ve been a consistently bright spot in a pretty dark world, and I’m so grateful for all of you.

    1. Caledonia*

      Ah I’m sorry to hear of your troubles C Average. I am glad that you are taking the air miles and doing something with it for yourself.

      Hope 2018 is good to you and your family in the ways which this last year has not.

    2. Purple Snowdrop*

      My god. I knew things had been tough for you but not this bad.
      My 2017 has been pretty shitty, too. I hope for better things for you and me in 2018. Keep posting. It’s made a world of difference to me, having this community supporting me. Take care.

    4. Hrovitnir*

      Oh man, that is so many hard things! I hope you have a great New Year and 2018 is an upward trend. A trip to Hawaii for New Years doesn’t sound crazy at all. I really hope you enjoy it.

    5. patricia*

      I know what you mean about the last few years being the skid into awfulness. Same here, for a variety of reasons. Happy new year to you, I hope the Hawaiian vacation helps (at least you’ll be warm while most of the rest of us freeze our collective tuchas off!) and I hope 2018 is less of a dumpster fire. Hugs to you, internet friend.

        1. BatteryB*

          Thirded. FWIW, I’ve always enjoyed your posts. I’ve spent a lot of time in the archives and had wondered how you were.

    8. Windchime*

      It sounds like you have had a really rough year, but you are doing an excellent job of taking care of yourself. I’m so glad that you are taking a little break to enjoy the beauty that is Hawaii. Here’s to 2018 being a much, much better year for you.

    10. Book Lover*

      New Year in Hawaii sounds like a perfect way to kick start 2018 for you. I am so sad things have been so terrible but it sounds like you are making a great new beginning for yourself. I hope your retail job allows you a bit of spare time to apply for jobs in other areas, and that you get back into an area that you love.

    11. Enough*

      Sounds like a wonderful way to have a reset and new focus for the new year. From postings I know that you were trying to help these children and really cared. Unfortunately when they are in that much pain it is so much easier to attack the outsider than to admit that your parents have messed up big time and that you can love and hate them at the same time.
      So I toast to you and all those who are making 2018 a fresh start.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Aww, C, I am so sorry.
      I will say this, I watched your stories and you went above and beyond in trying to help your ex and kids. You put your all into it. You were exemplary in your unselfish choices. But we can’t help people who don’t want to be helped and this is a profoundly sad conclusion to reach.

      You are very gifted with insight. There were quite a few times I was struck by what you said of this or that. I hope your next career path allows you to use it with people who actually want to be helped. Hang on to the fact that no experience is ever wasted. You have seen and learned so much, this will be a help to you moving forward.

      Let us know how Hawaii is, okay?

      1. C Average*

        Your wise, kind words always mean so much to me, NSNR.

        Hawaii was wonderful. The beach, the stairs at Koko Head, the beach, watching New Year’s Eve fireworks from the lanai, eating the best pineapple I have ever tasted, the beach. . . it was a fast trip, but managed to be everything I hoped for and more. I’m getting through, and I’m going to be okay.

        Peace out, 2017.

    13. Update on he wants a baby*

      I’m so sorry to hear how hard everything has been and I’m glad you feel like you can share and get support here.. I think a trip to Hawaii sounds like a fabulous idea. I will lift my glass to you, to me, and anyone else who needs it on New Year’s Eve for a better 2018 (if I get out to get something to put in said glass in this subzero weather).

    14. fposte*

      I’m so glad you’re finding a chance to do something for yourself.

      Sometimes, no matter how much good will and effort we put out, we can’t make life go the way we want it to. But the way it does go can still be valid and rewarding. I hope it is so for you.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        I can’t think of a better way to ring in the new year. You’ve accomplished and endured so much, I hope this is the start of better times for you. Happy 2018!

    17. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I’ve always looked forward to your comments here and missed them when you’ve taken breaks from commenting. I’m sorry to hear that things have been rough for you for a while. It sounds as if you still have a lot going for you, and I hope things get so much better in 2018.

    19. A bit of wisdom*

      To C-Average: I hope 2018 is the year things turn around. I’m rooting for you!

      To others: this is a cautionary lesson that one hears all too often. Do not sacrifice your economic livelihood/self-sufficiency to become a caregiver.

      I am sure some out there will disagree; I don’t think this is the place to debate it, so I’ll just say up-front that YMMV, but also that you never think it will happen to you.

      1. Hildegard Von Bingen*

        Thank you. I agree. I’ll never forget my first full-time job out of college. I was a Claims Rep for Social Security. A woman who’d stayed home all of her life to take care of her family got dumped by her husband. She was in her late 40s – early 50’s -with no kids under 22 (so mother’s benefits were out), she wasn’t blind or disabled (so, no SSI, a means-tested federal welfare program), and her cheating soon-to-be-ex was still alive. She had no earnings record of her own. She had no savings of her own and no traditional outside-the-home job skills or experience.

        She came in assuming she’d get some kind of benefit payment. I had to tell her that she didn’t qualify at that point. I’ll never forget the look of terror and panic in that woman’s eyes, or how she asked me, “What am I supposed to do?” I winged it, with recommendations for job training, food banks, Social Services, Section 8 housing. I also suggested she get herself a human shark for an attorney and take her husband to the cleaners in the divorce settlement if she possibly could.

        But this woman was middle class, and it was as if I were speaking Greek to her. She couldn’t imagine herself using such services. It was heartbreaking. That encounter helped shape my decisions forever afterwards. A total eye-opener. All these years later, I still think of her often. I hope it all worked out OK for her.

      2. C Average*

        This comment has been in my head ever since I first read it.

        As general advice, yes, I co-sign it with all my heart. Don’t step out of the workforce without realizing that stepping back in at the same level might not be possible, especially as time passes.

        At the same time, I don’t know how to think about my own situation. When I left my job to try to stabilize the household in the wake of the original tragedy (the kids’ mom’s loss of her home in a house fire—the kids were with her when it happened and landed with us full-time afterward because she was struggling to find a place to live and then to furnish it), I figured I could freelance, do some contract work for my former employer, stuff like that.

        But then tragedy compounded tragedy. My husband’s ex—the girls’ mom—has a very scary mental health episode while they were with her, leading to total estrangement between the older girl and her. The girl subsequently developed a severe eating disorder, a lot of self-harm behaviors, and generally a lot of behaviors not indicative of a healthy mind.

        I crammed calories into her. I begged my ex to get her into therapy. I drove her to the therapist and the nutritionist, all under the white-hot glare of her utter contempt for me. I hosted her friends, I lent her my stuff, I read the books she enjoyed to look for common ground, I took her to my parents’ house for holidays so she wouldn’t have to navigate contact with her mother that she wasn’t ready for. I held as much space for her as I was capable of holding—frankly, more. Under the guidance of a good therapist, I am finally being real with myself about just how very hard it was, and for how long.

        I sincerely believe she might well not be alive if it weren’t for those efforts. I occasionally speak to my ex, and I know she has spent the past three months in an inpatient facility. He is worried that she hasn’t made more progress. He dreads her coming home. He doesn’t know how to deal with her. I think he’s finally beginning to understand a little of what it was like for me. (She loves him and is affectionate with him, which probably makes it a little different.)

        My point, and I do have one, is that I don’t know how to look at a sixteen-year-old girl’s life and say, “No, I should have stayed in my career track.” If I had to do it again, knowing I have possibly many years of underemployment and financial struggle ahead, I still would. Saving her when she didn’t want to be saved is the most important thing I’ve ever done. I hope my ex and the team of professionals helping her can finish the job, and set her up for a good life that she can come to value.

        (At the same time, I hope I never lay eyes on her again. The thing she did that finally ended our relationship can be forgiven, but not forgotten. Wherever she goes from here in life, she’ll have to get there without my help. Yes, I am still bitter. Working on that.)

    20. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Blowing the miles on a Hawaii trip sounds like just the ticket after all that you’ve been through. I’m sorry it’s been such a rough road but I hope that this is the beginning of it turning around for the better.

    21. Jean (just Jean)*

      Vicarious heartache for your bad news, and good thoughts back atcha for your good news. May life continue to improve for you and your sister (and for your ex and ex-stepkids, someday, when they’re ready for it).
      You made the best decisions you could at all the choice points along the way and your caring shone through in all of your postings.
      I don’t know why life has to include these roller-coaster stretches. You sound like you’re coping pretty damn well.
      (As for the political news…hang in there. Do what you can–within your limits of energy, time, and funds–to improve the world. And vote, vote, vote, every chance you have.)

    22. SeekingBetter*

      I’m sorry to hear about all that you’ve been going through, but am very thrilled to hear you’re going to Hawaii! Wishing you well during your trip and to a healthy and prosperous New Year!!

    23. Stellaaaaa*

      I have read your posts for a while, and I have often thought of your stories when making similarly difficult relationship decisions of my own. You have acted in kindness during situations that many people would not be able to endure with grace. I hope 2018 will be better for you.

    24. ..Kat..*

      Happy New Year. I hope your trip to Hawaii is the reset button for your life circumstances. Best wishes going forward. Your apartment sounds like heaven.

    25. Struggling*

      I wish you a wonderful and rejuvenating time in Hawaii. I’ve been struggling with some pretty dark times since the summer of 2016 and I often don’t know what to do with myself. Life seems like such a bleak thing sometimes. It’s good that you have the means and ability to get away for a few days in paradise. Enjoy it

      Comments like yours that often make me wish this site has a forum, rather than blog comments. Usually, forum software allows members to have a login and message each other privately, where we can share email addresses, etc. I’ve made some friends from various online forums, and even met a few, but you can’t really do that if everything is public and you can only share so much.

      1. C Average*

        I’ve had that thought, too, Struggling. I hope things look up for you this year and in the years to come. I usually at least lurk in the weekend open threads. Shoot me a bat signal for empathy anytime—I’ll keep an eye out.

    26. nonegiven*

      My friend lives there and I’m cold (23F outside) so I looked up his location and it’s 74F right this minute.

    28. Frankie Bergstein*

      You sound like a wonderful and resilient person. Frankly, I am really admiring you for this post and your weekend trips and design classes and closeness with your sister with everything else happening. And here’s to 2018 being the time the skid ends!

    29. Clever Name*

      I’m newly divorced too. It sucks, but you get through it, I guess. I’m sure you already know this, but your ex-husband standing by while his daughter spewed her emotions onto you was absolutely not okay and is a form of abuse. You didn’t deserve it.

      1. C Average*

        Thank you for saying this. My therapist says it, too, and I’m getting to where I can actually believe it. I think he was doing the best he could in a complicated situation, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve better. It’s taken me a while to be able to split that hair.

        Good luck recovering from your divorce. It’s a journey, isn’t it?

    30. C Average*

      You GUYS. Do something about the dust and the onions in here.

      I spent the day wandering Waikiki, and now I’m having a glass of wine on the lanai and reading y’all’s wonderful comments.

      It’s ridiculously beautiful here. My Airbnb comes with not only its own lanai, but CATS! They’re keeping me company as I write this. Tomorrow I’m climbing the Koko Head stairs and then going on a tour of a pineapple plantation.

      Thank you for all the kind words of support. I plan to come back and read them again and again.

      1. Former Employee*

        I was in Hawaii many years ago. Loved it.

        I think that many of us have had a difficult year in 2017. From unpleasant health related “surprises” (I had some of those this year) to political “say what?” moments.

        Wishing you a Happy New Year and a better time in 2018.

      2. Bluebell*

        Have a very very happy New Year and all the best for 2018 – you deserve it. Will that Airbnb give you a choce of cats or puppies? If so, it sounds perfect. ;)

    32. Jade*

      Missed your comments when I didn’t see you around; sad that all this happened to bring you back.
      Many wishes that 2018 will be much kinder to you!

  8. Chasing pavements*

    Going anon for this.

    This situation is weird, right? I had someone quote me for some new windows.

    Then today I logged into fb and he had sent me a friend request. This is bizarre, right? I am a little freaked out now. He wants me to give a deposit for the work (I said I would go with the quote) and has texted me twice about it.

    I should say something to his company, shouldn’t I?

    1. Red Reader*

      Is it weird enough that you’re willing to not use his company after all? If so, I would definitely tell the manager that and why — “Look, I was very pleased with your quote, but Reginald has made me seriously uncomfortable with his personal overtures, and I’m just not willing to have him further involved in my transaction. If switching me to a different representative isn’t an option, I’m going to have to take my business elsewhere.” (Personally, this is where I would be. I’d rather pay a little bit extra to work with a company that doesn’t suck.)

      If it’s not that bad (by your personal definition), it’s a little hazier. I’d be worried that, if I still intended to work with him/his company, “telling on him” (which isn’t how *I* would see it, but probably how *he* would see it) would come back to bite me in the butt as far as getting the work done, and possibly cause him to escalate, whereas if I just ignore his personal overtures and keep it business, and then block him when my windows are done, maybe I can just muddle through it?

      1. Red Reader*

        I feel like my reply is awfully wishy-washy. Sorry about that. =/ I did have a service rep at a car dealership send me repeated facebook requests at one point, and by my recollection, after the second one I told him to stop, and after the third one I submitted a customer service complaint to the dealership about him. I never heard a response back from the dealership, but I also never heard anything from the service rep again. I was satisfied with that outcome, but that also didn’t involve someone who had any professional reason to be coming to my house like a window-replacing guy might. (I … honestly don’t remember if it was the same dealership I still take my car to or the previous one – this was several years ago and I’ve moved twice since then. I do know that I didn’t stop using the dealership because of this one dude, but I never encountered the dude again at said dealership.)

        1. Chasing pavements*

          Luckily this quoting guy is not a workman – just the salesman who does the calculations and so on. The work is already pretty expensive but they do have a decent finance plan (very low interest).

          1. Book Lover*

            Is it possibly a Facebook page that he really uses for business purposes? My trainer and the other trainers at the gym sent Facebook friend requests and even though it is their personal pages, they only use them to talk about gym stuff.

    2. CatCat*

      Ehhhhh… some people just like to add everyone under the sun to facebook. Just decline/ignore the request to add the window guy as a friend.

    3. Helpful*

      I don’t like this. My neighbors got taken— they put down half for windows and the guy never came back. Be sure there is recourse. I went with Lowe’s because I felt I had some recourse if anything went wrong.

    4. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I would call the company and ask to speak with a manager, and try to work with someone else at the company. If they weren’t able/willing to accommodate that, I’d go with another company or get more quotes if you need.

      It’s perfectly reasonable to expect a customer to take a day or 3 to get a deposit in. Especially given the holidays. If I got 2 text messages about getting a deposit in, that’s a bit much. And FB is completely over the line. Block the guy on FB – google it if you don’t know how.

    5. Triplestep*

      He may just be today’s version of the typical pushy sales person; Facebook friend requests may mean something completely different to him than they do to you. But if you’re uncomfortable for any reason, you don’t owe anything to anyone here.

      I got the contact info for a handyman on a neighborhood social media site. He returned my call at 11pm at night (I didn’t answer) and I know it was intentional because he posted at the site moments later that he couldn’t get in touch with me. I checked with a few people around the same age as he (I’m in my early fifties, and he appeared to be early thirties) just to see if anyone thought this was a generational thing; All of them saw red flags as well. It’s possible this guy was a fine handyman who was clueless about how to come across to potential customers, but I decided to go with my gut and not continue contact. I think you’re fine doing the same – it’s a valid reason.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, clueless is right. I have a friend who works on people’s homes. While he will make phone calls any time day/night he always considers the person first. If he does not know the person and does not have specific instructions to call anytime before x hour (a late hour) he waits until morning.
        A good rule of thumb is to be a little formal until specifically told to be less formal. It’s good for business.

    6. JD*

      I am going to get internet beat down for this but so be it. I stand by my opinion on this. A man happening to find you interesting, attractive or whatever and attempting to add you on Facebook is not bizarre or requiring threatening his job. You decline and move on. If that was so bizarre then every man/woman who ever so much as found the other sex attractive is in the wrong. But oh wait, that is what is happening lately. If his two texts were regarding the windows, perhaps you do not wish for him to text you, but plenty of people do business using text.

      Sure it does sound like he might like you. Ok, so? And? This comes across as acting like you are being stalked by someone who simply is reaching out. I really do not wish to live in a World where every time someone smiles at another person their employment is at risk. It has all gone too far.

      1. blackcat*

        But if I have *only* had business interactions with someone, why do they have to insert their personal feelings into the business transaction?

        I’d find it much less uncomfortable if all the work was done *and then* dude sent a facebook request. As it is now, this guy has made it seem like she has to be personally friendly with him in order to get the price/work done. That’s really uncool.

      2. Safetykats*

        Yeah, but this is man she currently has a potential business relationship with. Contact should therefore be business related only, and business-appropriate, at least until the business relationship is finished, or until they know each other well enough for him to know whether personal contact would be welcomed. I actually think that if he sent the friend request because he’s attracted to her that’s worse than if he is just clueless, or using FB to track business contacts – and if he is using his business related access to troll for women his employer should definitely be notified, because that’s not okay.

        OP – I would decline his friend request, block him, and ask the company for another contact person, explaining why. It’s not just creepy to have someone like this trying to friend you – it’s potentially dangerous – particularly if you’re going to have any of the work done while you’re not there, and would therefore be giving this company a key to your house.

        Of course, before you give them a deposit, make sure they are licensed, bonded, and ensured. Look them up with the BBB. Visit their actual place of business. And if you do decide to go with them, provide your deposit by stopping at their actual place of business.

      3. Elizabeth H.*

        I don’t think it (necessarily) has anything to do with attraction or sex! Other than that I generally agree. Delete request and move on. Some people friend literally everyone on Facebook. I find it weird but whatever.

      4. Colette*

        If he’s ignoring business boundaries now (I.e. the Facebook request when Facebook is fundamentally a personal platform), what boundaries is he going to ignore if/when he’s in her home?

        This is a legitimate thing to be concerned about, and could easily cost his employer business, which they would want to know about. Should he be fired? Probably not, if this is an isolated incident. But he’s not entitled to mine business contacts for personal relationships just because he wants to.

        1. Truth teller*

          Actually, yes, he is entitled to reach out to whoever he wants on Facebook. I add business contacts to Facebook all the time. If you don’t like it, don’t accept the request. If you can’t abide by the fact you can reach out to business contacts on Facebook generally, don’t use Facebook. Problem solved.

      7. Former Employee*

        “If that was so bizarre then every man/woman who ever so much as found the other sex attractive is in the wrong. But oh wait, that is what is happening lately.”

        Yeah, it’s just terrible how sexual predators and rapists are losing their jobs lately!

    7. Hildegard Von Bingen*

      Get another quote from another company. What you’re describing is way out of line. I had substantial work done on my home in 2017: new HVAC system and hot water heater, new flooring, new ceiling fan installation and wiring, and I got estimates for extensive new landscaping and exterior paint on my 2,000-sf home, to be done in 2018. Nobody I dealt with pulled that kind of nonsense. If they had, I would not have done business with them. Vendors should behave like professionals. I think it’s always a mistake to do business with people who don’t.

      Just get another quote. Surely there are other window companies in town.

  9. Fabric shaver*

    Unexciting question, I know, but does anyone have a recommendation for a fabric shaver/sweater stone they like to get rid of pills on sweaters? (Or, I suppose, an anti-recommendation of ones that didn’t actually work very well?)

    2. Tabby Baltimore*

      I have a small old battery-operated hand-held Remington model that I’ve used for several years, and it works pretty well. The head is rounded, not flat (I don’t know if round-headedness is an industry-standard feature or not), so you do have to use a sort of swirling motion as you travel the head over the fabric surface. It has never pulled a thread out, so I’m pretty happy with it. Before using a device like this, though, I would recommend looking over the garment’s exterior surface pretty carefully and then use either your fingers or a sharp pin to pull loose or pulled threads that have come out, and that lie on the external surface, back to the inside of the garment. That way, you won’t accidentally cut any threads with the shaver blades and cause a hole to open up.

    3. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      Yep, I always get the cheap 8-12 packs of razors from Dollar Tree and each one is good for a few shirts or sweaters. Easier to control pressure and not put holes in the shirt. I also find them easier to keep up with because I lose small appliances like it’s my career path.

    5. Pollygrammer*

      I was surprised when I switched from lint rollers to a fabric brush how many little pills it cleaned up, not just lint.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I just got one for Christmas. My boss found these things somewhere. She bought it and reeeally liked it, so she bought a bunch more to give as gifts. She mentioned it in passing and I did not think anything of it. I said I would have to look for it because my pill buster died. Funny because I had just thrown it out. I was really happy that she gave me one.

      The name of it is “Gleener on the Go”. It’s got a little bag and accessories, you can put different blades in it. I have not tried it yet, but so far I like that it does not need batteries and I like the way it’s made. Their site is gleener dot com.

      1. Teach*

        Seconding the Gleener! I’m a knitter and thrifted sweater hoarder and I’m always amazed at how this little tool spruces up the pilly areas!

    8. Pretend Scientist*

      I think I got mine at Big Lots, multiple years ago. It shaves decently and doesn’t snag. The metal “screen?” is rounded. If there’s anything that it can’t handle, I ask the dry cleaner to do it so I don’t start ruining stuff.

  10. Detective Amy Santiago*

    It’s snowing, freezing, and I’ve been sick for the past couple of days. I went to the grocery store this morning and now I don’t need to leave again until Tuesday morning for work.

    Happy New Year!

  11. Nic*

    At this moment I am both proud of myself and extremely disappointed. I’ve lived with the same person for about 2 years and in this time we’ve only really had one argument, however it is a doozy.

    The basis of it is that when I say that something he says is painful for me my roommate argues that I am the only one who can decide if something hurts and I shouldn’t let myself be hurt, rather than being willing to change phrasing patterns. When I have tried to discuss this with him I am told that only stupid people require the kinds of things that I am asking him to do, and that when they are done towards him it makes him feel belittled.

    Things came to a head this weekend and after
    the same old argument again and being told that when I thought I’d finally gotten through and he tried a couple of the phrases I was “compromising his conversational ethics”, I asked if I need to look for another roommate because obviously this isn’t working.

    He flipped out started back peddling, while at the same time telling me that I was overly emotional and crazy, and when he got home from work that night he yelled at me.

    That night I finally replied back to an email thread from the summer that had gotten me so upset I couldn’t face it until now. It was about the same old argument. I explained one last time and told him that I was no longer going to allow myself to be hurt. I told him that that would involve me leaving the conversation and not seeking conversation with him. He hasn’t replied, though the day after I sent it he apologized for yelling at me and said that he would think on it for a few days before replying.

    In the meantime I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter what his reply is. He has shown me that his unwillingness to change is more important to him than the fact that he is hurting me. So I’m looking for another roommate. And even if he responds to that email in the most perfect way possible he’s going to have a lot of trust to rebuild.

    I am incredibly proud of myself for setting that boundary. At this point the pain of losing him as a friend is less than the pain of having to continue to deal with it and I’m stopping it now.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      It sounds to me (and correct me if I’m wrong) that you asked someone to respect certain boundaries and he was like – no.

      Good job on what you did. You can be disappointed at losing a friend but also proud of standing up for yourself at the same time.

    2. Hrovitnir*

      Good for you! What a tool. I hate it when someone who I assume was otherwise a good friend reveals such a terrible dealbreaker.

      You are the only one who can “let yourself” be hurt but people being considerate makes him feel belittled? Maybe he shouldn’t let himself feel belittled. Pfft.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      If something someone says or do causing someone distress, they ask you to not do it again, and you refuse to change going forward, then they’re not a good person. Find a new roommate, and this guy isn’t your friend.

    4. Pollygrammer*

      So basically, you told him he was being cruel and he blamed you for finding his cruelty hurtful? What outrageous gaslighting. I really, really hope you part ways.

    6. fposte*

      Ah, yes, the overintellectualized version of “everything is your fault.” No reason you have to live with that; glad that you’ve decided not to.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      ugh. Clearly, you mistook him for a responsible adult. We only waive the rules for five year old children. I wish this guy much luck in life, he is going to need it.

    9. Indie*

      If you say x bothers you, then a good friend will either say ‘oh Ok, how bout y and z?’ If x is super important to them they will sadly conclude an incompatibility but still accept your right to dislike (or like) whatever the hell you want.

      The behaviour you describe is entitled, insulting, contemptuous and that of an enemy. you should run away in a straight line to the furthest star. I imagine you knew this would happen if you dared make a suggestion which is why conflict was rare.

    10. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Ditto what Foreign Octopus said. It sounds like he just wants to do anything he wants without regard for anyone else. That’s fine for him I guess but his desire to be thoughtless or rude doesn’t obligate you to put up with being hurt. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

    11. ..Kat..*

      Good for you for setting boundaries. Good luck finding a new roommate.

      BTW, it does not matter what he (or anyone else) thinks of the reasonableness of your boundaries. These boundaries are reasonable for you. And you deserve a safe home space.

    12. Clever Name*

      Good for you! Honestly, reading this reminded me of my 17-year marriage to my ex-husband. He called me overly emotional and crazy whenever I would express a need or disagree with him. He was always right (even when the topic was a field in which I have an advanced degree in and clients pay me for my expertise). We also rarely argued (because I earned I wouldn’t ever get my needs met and arguing became an outlet for him to emotionally abuse me). So, you’re not overly emotional, and you’re not crazy. I’m sure you already know this, but it’s helped me to hear folks acknowledge this truth to me.

    13. Nic*

      Thank you to everyone for the comments. The validation is really helpful!

      We had a long conversation tonight. He apologized for several things, but did not bring up the things from the email. He said he’s still waiting to respond to that. At the end of the conversation he asked if I felt better, and I said no. He asked if there was anything he could do to help, and I said yes, but that he’s said he’s not ready to discuss it yet, and that given previous discussions, I’m not bringing it up.

      We’ll see what the future holds. I haven’t stopped keeping my eyes open.

  12. Foreign Octopus*

    I had the worst Boxing Day I’ve ever experienced (December 26th for those who don’t celebrate the Christmas period).

    After the trauma of uninvited guests on Christmas Day, my dad and I were driving into a local, smaller town to get some supplies as it’s business as normal in Spain on Boxing Day. Halfway down the long, winding road, a cat ran out in front of us and we hit it. Unfortunately, the car broke its back and we had to take it to the vet to have it put down. I was in floods of tears because it was awful and nothing like that has ever happened to me before. It was only a little baby. The vet said that it was about two or three months old, and I was just heartbroken. The one saving grace was that we’d hit it in such a way that it didn’t feel any pain once the shock wore off.

    That same day, we decided to take my cat to the vet (some of you might remember that I adopted her from a shelter about six months ago). It seems that anything that could be wrong with a cat, is wrong with my cat. She has an eye infection, possible parasitical worms in her intestines, malnourishment (which I hadn’t realised because she’s been putting weight on since I got her and she seemed fine), and very, very bad dental problems. The vet thinks that most of the problems are stemming from her dental problems. Apparently the build up of bacteria in the mouth will affect the rest of the body because that’s how the nutrients pass through her system (seems obvious in hindsight).

    She’s currently on a course of antibiotics to clear up her mouth in order to allow the vet to clean her teeth. That will then let me know whether she has to have any teeth removed. I’m also taking her in for a blood test to make sure that there’s nothing more serious at play.

    Overall, on a day to day basis, she seems perfectly fine. Doesn’t seem troubled by it in the slightest, but I just feel so guilty for not realising that there was something wrong with her, and for not taking her to the vet sooner. The only reason I didn’t was because I was afraid as I’d have to have the conversation in Spanish, which is so stupid now I look back on it.

    So, yeah, that was my week.

    1. Red Reader*

      oh, rough :( Good thoughts to you and your kitty. If it helps any, cats (and I think a lot of animals?) are very very prone by instinct to concealing when they’re not feeling well. It’s hard enough to know what’s going on with them when they can’t communicate clearly, and even worse when they’re actively trying to act like everything’s fine. No fault of yours!

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      It sounds like you’ve had a really rough holiday season. Here’s hoping the New Year brings you some peace.

    3. Purple Snowdrop*

      Oh my god. that is horrible. I am so sorry. Thinking of you, the poor kitten, and your cat. Take care of yourself. I can understand being reluctant to deal with that conversation in a foreign language :-(

    4. Hrovitnir*

      Aw no, that all sounds awful. I hope things start looking up!

      On the plus side, at least all or most of your cat’s problems should be resolvable, so here’s to a healthy cat for 2018.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Ohhh, dental issues. Yeah. Dental issues are a very common thing with cats, especially orange cats for some reason. I’ve have several cats go through some major dental work because we didn’t take them in for regular cleanings (who knew??). It’s quite expensive and can cause all sorts of problems that have nothing to do with the mouth.

      So sorry about hitting the kitten! I’d be heartbroken, too.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        You can bet I’ll be taking Bones in for regular cleanings now. How often do you take your cats in?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          No particular schedule. Their teeth are checked when it’s time for annual vaccinations and I go from there. The major work is done for the four cats that needed it, although two more cats need major dental soon (extractions and cleaning). Now it’s just upkeep. In other words, whatever the vet recommends when they go in for routine stuff.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had such a dreadful few days. I hope you know that hitting that cat was absolutely not your fault and that you did a very decent thing by taking it to the vet.

      I think anyone can tell you love your cat and that you took her to the vet as soon as you were able to. Animals are really good at hiding health problems – frustratingly it’s a survival instinct but of course it has the opposite effect by delaying you getting them help. You are not to blame for her being ill.

      The best of wishes to you and your kitty.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Thanks Ramona.

        I really do love her, and I realised just how much with everything that happened on Boxing Day. The vet did try to tell me that it’s normal for cats to hide their pain but I was too busy kicking myself to really listen.

        As for the poor little kitten we hit, we discovered that it’s so, so normal for people in my part of Spain to just drive on after they hit animals because there’s such a high percentage of stray cats and dogs around due to the custom of not neutering them. The vet was surprised but pleased that we brought the little girl in.

    7. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Re the cat you hit – accidents happen. You did the kind thing however, taking the cat to the vet and making sure it wouldn’t suffer further. If you’d just driven off, that cat would have died a very painful death. So yes, it’s horrible that you hit a cat, but it’s wonderful how you responded.

      Re your cat – cats are MASTERS of hiding pain or illness. Showing weakness in the wild will get them preyed upon. Parasites are relatively easy to treat AFAIK, and can cause malnutrition. So treating that will help. The antibiotics should help with the eye infection and make a dent in the dental issues. When she goes back in for the dental, tell the vet that if there’s any teeth that could go either way, you’d prefer that they be pulled. They typically do everything while the cat is knocked out, since it’s hard on them. Cats adjust very well to missing teeth, even a large number of missing teeth. It’ll be better in the long term to pull 3 teeth now, versus 1 now and 2 in 6 months.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Echoing, I have been told by vets that cats can hide anything. Kidneys not working? No prob, just hide it. It’s pretty normal to get a cat to the vet and find some big deal going on. When I first had cats, I felt like such a bad cat parent but the vet said no, that is not what is going on here. I learned to watch more closely and I learned somethings to watch for, this helped a lot.

      2. Red*

        My cat has 4 teeth left after some dental problems, and they’re all the tiny front ones. To be completely honest, I’m not even sure she realized she woke up from surgery without them. The very next day, she was demanding to have her hard food back, after we switched her to soft food when her teeth started getting bad. Apparently, house cats don’t need teeth! Who knew?

        1. Pet sitter*

          One of my favorite cats to petsit for had lost all of her teeth and had facial injuries before her owner adopted her. She eats more canned food and less kibble than the other cats, but she doesn’t do anything else differently. I’m always surprised by how “normal” she is, though of course I haven’t been through a vet visit with her. It’s really amazing how much animals can recover.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          It’s so weird. I have a cat that basically has no teeth (his teeth were in very poor health when we adopted him and he eventually had to have most of them pulled), but he absolutely refuses to eat wet food. He wants dry only, and has always been like that. And not just any dry. It must be Purina Naturals. He gets really annoyed when the store is out of that branch and I have to get something else. I also feed prescription food for a couple cats, which means they all get it since i have 11 of the buggers. He eats around it. I always say he’s not a real cat, because he won’t touch tuna, milk (yes, I know cats are lactose intolerant and I don’t normally give it to them), most kinds of meat, or anything else that’s considered to be widely liked by 99% of cats. He will eat a little deli ham, but that’s it. And I don’t like to give that to him. He gets it maybe two or three times a year and it’s maybe 1/4 of a slice while I’m making lunch.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Haha! They kind of go about their business. Some love attention, others not so much. They tend to entertain themselves a lot. I now have a good mix of seniors, adults, and teens. The teens and adults sometimes play together, the seniors like to sleep. Two of the teens (very recently kittens) love to snuggle with one particular cat for some reason. We do play with them, but they have a lot of toys, cat trees, and scratching posts so everyone has something to occupy them.

              Feeding is a game of musical plates. As I’m scooping food into their dishes they all have to try each other’s dish (no, they don’t have assigned dishes LOL). Eventually they settle on one, but they do have to visit each typically.

              I know this is long, but I like talking about my cats. :)

      3. Foreign Octopus*

        Thanks for this guys.

        My vet said that it’s really normal for cats to hide it, and because she was a shelter cat (one-two years on the street, four in the shelter), I just didn’t think anything of it. I thought her body was just reasserting itself.

        I’m going to go with whatever the vet tells me. It’s going to be expensive but I hope that she’ll be with me for another ten years at least and it seems a small price to pay to keep my little fluff ball pouncing on my face in the morning.

      4. Gadfly*

        One of my cats nearly died once because of hiding sickness. He had some sort of odd urine crystal goop issue. I took him to the vet becsuse I noticed he’d stopped jumping. Between home and the vet he went from fine looking to looking half dead. The vet sent me to a 24hr place but told me he probably wouldn’t make it. They found his kidneys were shut down and did a bunch of flushes and such and were able to get them restarted.

        Now I have to buy prescription food for him and he gets cage rage if I try to leave him at a vet (which makes getting urine samples funnnnnn…. my old vet had a system, but after moving I haven’t found a vet who is a good fit yet.)

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Awww. Pig had a mouth infection too and I didn’t have a clue until she stopped eating. They took a tooth out and we added a cleaning onto her annual appointment, and it never came back. I felt really bad myself, but how would I have known? At least you caught it, and now it’s being taken care of.

      As for the accident, you took care of the kitty as best you could. Not your fault at all.

      *HUG*

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Thanks, Elizabeth. I appreciate the hug :)

        Also, I love your cat’s name. It’s a great one!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          LOL the neighbor who had her prior had named her Miss Piggy, but I didn’t like that, so I shortened it to Pig. I rarely called her that directly–she was Piggles, Piggins, Kitty, Little Baby, Baby Girl, and Come Here. :)

    10. another Liz*

      Cats actively hide it when they are ill, don’t beat yourself up over that. You took her in when you realized she needed it, that’s all you can expect of yourself.

  13. Purple Snowdrop*

    Hi all. Just thought I’d give a quick update. Christmas was OK but hard. My food was tasty, though, and I saw Small Child for an hour. And went to visit some friends Christmas Night – and someone heard me apologizing for something the husband has done since I left him, and said ‘what on earth are you apologizing for him for?!’. And on one level I can explain that, and on another level, fuck that. He’s making his own choices now. Yes he’s in a sad situation, one he had no idea was coming, but taking it out on mutual friends (…. who are now officially just my friends… yay?) is a) out of order and b) totally on him.

    So. Yeah.

    I’m having a hard time. But I will get through.

      3. Update on he wants a baby*

        And this one. I agree with the friend who thinks you shouldn’t apologize for things your husband does now. He gets to to make his own choices and mistakes. And I say this as someone who almost couldn’t take her ex-husband off the car insurance on the day she said she was going to because what if he hadn’t gotten his own yet? Taking too much responsibility is easy, but not healthy.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Yes, remember that he makes his own choices now and it’s totally on him.

      My friend just got divorced and her ex is basically homeless. However, he saw the divorce coming, chose to continue his lifestyle, didn’t bother to try and save any money, made some REALLY bad choices in the romance department (unfortunately, he’s quite gullible and is always hoping for someone to “save” him), and has no car because he chose to buy new at 450.00 a month and it was repossessed after only about 6 months. So, my friend feels guilty and lets him stay at her apartment (and her new boyfriend is being very forgiving about it), and he’s basically taken over her car. She has to get a ride to and from work from either the ex or the new boyfriend. I don’t see her getting out of this situation any time soon, because she continues to feel responsible for the divorce and his situation.

      All this to say, your ex is on his own and it’s up to him to make his choices and own them.

      1. K.*

        Seconded. Ex is an adult and can – must! – make his own way. One of my friends has had two “when the relationships ended the guys ended up homeless” breakups (my friend owns a home and has moved two men in with her), and she feels guilty about that until someone, usually her sister, points out that there was nothing stopping these guys from having jobs and saving money during the time she was with them. Or before that, even (one of them had a particular aversion to working, claiming that it was more noble to be poor. He had grown up in poverty so he had kind of warped ideas about money).

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Starting new habits. You probably apologized for him in the past. But now you don’t have to, he is not on your watch any more.

      My husband used to say, “Eh, not my turn to watch him”, in reference to other people having poor behaviors.
      So this is a piece of your new normal. You will find other pieces as you go and it will be okay in the long run.

    6. Gadfly*

      Hugs. We call my husband’s ex his 3rd child. If it weren’t for the first two actual children we’d be able to leave her to flounder, but not while the youngest is a minor and lives with her.

      My husband enabled her being helpless and incompetent while they were married, so he’s having to fix his bad habits of saving her/helping her in ways that let her think that is his responsibility. It is hard to watch because she just is really bad at basic adulting. And won’t get better unless she has to. Balancing that with the whole issue of the kids is complex. And I think ulitimately is going to be worse for her, but the kid is the priority.

      Anyway, the sooner you can stop enabling, the better it will likely be for everyone.

        1. Former Employee*

          Some people do seem to be missing the adult gene or they have the gene but came without the kick starter.

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      Good for you for recognizing that. I used to be friends with someone who “fell on hard times” and got evicted. My husband and I let her move in with us. The original agreement was that she didn’t have to pay rent as long as she saved all of her pay to move out within three months. Both of us are freelance writers, which I know can be difficult, but we worked for all the same clients, so I knew how much work was available. She could have easily made $2,500 per month (and I think $3,000+ was also doable) and had $7,500+ on hand to get a new apartment. Instead, she barely did any work and pi**ed away the little money she made on cigarettes and daily coffee from the gas station down the street. I told her that if she was going to stay longer, she had to pay us $275 per month, which I thought was reasonable. She was late the first month and didn’t pay us the second and third months. We finally had to ask her to move, and she hasn’t spoken to me since I drove her to a rest stop and had her daughter pick her up. I am sure she has painted me as a horrible person in her re-telling of the story, but she is the one who didn’t do what she was supposed to do. And it’s not like we asked for $1,000 a month. We asked for a measly $275. There was enough writing work available at the time for her to make that amount in a day or two. I felt guilty for a long time, but then I realized, hey, she made her bed and had to lie in it.

  14. Ann Furthermore*

    Every year we spend New Year’s Eve with a few friends, and it’s always really fun, and I’m looking forward to it again this year like always.

    But the last couple of years it seems like the end of the year has been so depressing. Last year, I was so sad when George Michael died on Christmas day. Then just a few days later it was Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds.

    One of my favorite authors died yesterday — Sue Grafton. She wrote a series of books about a private detective named Kinsey Millhone, set in the 80’s. It was the “alphabet” series, and it began with “A is for Alibi,” and “Y is for Yesterday” was released a few months ago. I was really looking forward to seeing how she would conclude the series.

    I also found out yesterday that one of my cousins is now in hospice at home. She battled cancer for many years, and did several rounds of treatment, but a few months ago her doctors told her there was nothing more they could do for her. She did get to spend the holidays at home with her kids, which what she wanted. I feel kind of stupid and naive… I knew she’s been ill, but I didn’t know how bleak her prognosis was. Everything she’s posted about treatments, doctor appointments, and hospital stays has always been very positive and upbeat, and not in that fake, artificial way that you see so much on Facebook. It’s always been very genuine.

    We aren’t particularly close, but I was still so sad to hear that. The whole thing is just so unfair. I sent her a note via Facebook messenger last night, to share a couple of memories and let her know I was thinking about her. I did get message saying she’d “reacted” with the angry emoji, but it’s so easy to hit one of those stupid emojis when you don’t mean to. I’ve done it so many times. I hope that’s what it was and that I didn’t say something to upset her.

    1. Caledonia*

      I’m sorry to hear about your cousin.

      It’s sad about Grafton, her daughter said that they are firmly against ghostwriters so the alphabet will end at y.

    2. Pharmgirl88*

      I’m so sorry about your cousin.

      I didn’t know about Sue Grafton, but I’m sad to hear it. I picked up the series because of a recommendation on an open thread (from you maybe?) and have been loving it.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        I read once that her first book was based on an idea she had for the “perfect murder,” that she came up with while fantasizing about ways to get revenge on her ex-husband. Instead of actually doing it, she wrote a book instead, and ended up creating a beloved character and becoming hugely successful. Talk about the best revenge!

        The last book was going to be called “Z is for Zero.” The completionist in me may never get over the alphabet ending at Y.

    3. Muriel Heslop*

      Sue Grafton died? I’m so sad. And I am never especially sad when famous people die (Except George Michael. I’m still sad about that.) I’ve been reading her books for almost 30 years. I loved her work and I have so many memories of my life tied to when her new books came out. I was looking forward to “Z” as well but I was also looking forward to what she would do after. She is quoted as saying she was going to “take a long nap” after reaching “Z”.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        I’m also so sorry to hear about your cousin. I was processing Sue Grafton and meant to offer my condolences about your cousin’s prognosis. And people hit the wrong thing on Facebook all the time – I’m sure it was an error. You were thoughtful to reach out to her.

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          Thanks. I’ve hit those dumb emojis by mistake so many times, especially in the messenger app while re-reading something.

          Normally I would take the time to handwrite a letter and mail it, but since she’s in hospice I wanted to be sure and get it to her. A family friend of ours passed away earlier this month, and he’d been in hospice as well. I’d planned to write him a letter and was thinking about what I was going to say, but then he went downhill pretty quickly.

          When I heard about George Michael it felt like losing a little piece of my youth. The only good thing to come out of it was finding out that he was a very, very generous person and donated a lot of money not just to charity but also directly to people in need. And I think he set it up so that Andrew Ridgely, his partner in Wham! ended up getting all or most of the royalties from Careless Whisper, since he helped write it. It was one of the only songs he had songwriting credits for, so George Michael let him have those so he’d be set for life.

    4. WellRed*

      I was so sad to hear about Sue Grafton and I am another who doesn’t get all maudlin with the passage of the famous.
      Sorry about your cousin.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        Every once in awhile, a celebrity passing will really hit me. The other one this year that I was quite saddened by was Tom Petty. I am such a huge fan of his music, and he was responsible for much of the soundtrack of my youth. I was at a trade show in San Francisco, manning my company’s booth when I heard about it. I had to take a moment to compose myself.

    5. Sled dog mama*

      So sorry to hear about your cousin.
      FWIW as a person who works in cancer care, often patients don’t realize how dire their prognosis is, and many try to hide it from their families and friends.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        You’re right. I don’t think she was doing that, I think it was more along the lines of trying to stay optimistic and hoping for the best. I think she’s a pretty pragmatic person.

    6. Kirsten*

      I’m so sad about Sue Grafton. I started reading her books in middle school in the mid 90s and have loved them ever since. I own them all. I always found it amusing she started writing them the year I was born, and by the time the series ended I would be almost the same age as Kinsey.

      I’m sorry about your cousin.

    7. Big City Woman*

      I’m sure the emoji was unintentional.

      Also sorry to hear about Sue Grafton. I started reading her Kinsey Milhone series back around 1986 or so, when there were just a few letters done and there was still such a thing as a small bookshop devoted only to mysteries! Ha, there were three mystery book shops in my general neighborhood alone (NYC) in the ’80s – – my favorite had a hidden door in the wall that led to their office. You’d be browsing there and suddenly the shelves would swing forward and someone would pop out.

      I loved the character of Kinsey Milhone, and would always look forward to the next letter of the alphabet coming out. I also thought it was interesting how, over the course of the series, her writing kept improving and her plots got tighter and more cohesive. A is for Alibi is very slow-paced compared to the later books. Eventually, though, I lost interest in detective/mystery novels in general. I’m pretty sure the last one of hers I read was M is for Malice. Actually, I thought she’d taken a break for a while and didn’t realize she was still keeping the series going.

      Well, I say what better way for a crime/mystery writer to leave this world than with the last book in a series left to be written – the ultimate mystery!

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        I did get an updated response to my message, with a happy face.

        That’s a great way to think about the alphabet series never finishing. Her writing really did improve over the course of the series. Towards the end of the alphabet, she changed things up a bit. She started writing from the perspective of different characters, in addition to just Kinsey’s point of view, and some of the secondary storylines were really good. In either “S” or “T,” she really did a good job creating an evil, sinister character. The first one I read was “H is for Homicide,” and then I went back and read the rest of them.

        1. Former Employee*

          I’m sorry about your cousin, but glad that she was pleased to hear from you.

          It’s very sad about Sue Grafton, who was a lovely woman as well as a wonderful writer. I had so looked forward to finding out what was ahead for Kinsey in the future. (I thought she might get back together with Cheney Phillips.) From reading comments her family members have made, I know that she did not have a story worked out for “Z”, which would have been the only book that had a predetermined title – she had always said that the last book would be “Z” Is For Zero. However, if she had a plan for the way she wanted to leave Kinsey in the end, perhaps she shared that with someone.

          1. Epsilon Delta*

            I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin. It is so hard to know someone you care about is suffering.

            Regarding the unfinished series, it can be so frustrating to not know how it ends. I like to imagine that the characters are still out there living their lives like I am — meaning they are having new adventures that I can imagine, and that *I* get to decide how their story ends. It makes them feel a little more real to me, in a way. Real life doesn’t usually get tied up neatly and sometimes fiction doesn’t have to either.

  15. AnnaleighUK*

    It’s nice to be back in the South of England! A Christmas in Scotland was nice and obviously seeing the parents but oh my gods, talk about being grilled about wedding plans. So yes, nice to be home and away from that.

    In other news, apparently I sound exactly like Merida from Brave when I’ve had a few drinks. Well aye, yes, I do get even more Scottish when the drink flows.

    Hope you all had a nice Christmas, AAM folk!

  16. Hrovitnir*

    Oh hi. It’s 4 am and I’m awake (went to bed at 10 pm, gave up at 3.30 am.)

    Means I’m early for an open thread though! I hope everyones’ end of year is going well or at least not too crap.

    Mine is going pretty well: cleared out 630 kg/1390 lbs of crap from our house today, though that’s only scratching the surface. My partner has remortgaged after decades of very little upkeep on the house, and we have fairly significant plans, so that’s exciting. New piles/roof/repaint + replace some of siding/actually insulate and double-glaze/rearrange the rooms and windows so they utelise the sun and view properly (~1920s house with a great view best observed through the bathroom or laundry.)

    Will probably have more work next year. I have had permanent staff enquire casually as to whether I’d be interested in a career in diagnostics (what this temp position is in; some opportunity for research) if one came up, so it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I have my name on a grant application for a PhD I’ll find out about in June, but that’s a fairly low chance of getting funded, and if there were an opportunity for permanent work I really don’t know! It’s an adjacent field to what I’ve been working in/towards, but very different work, but also it’s… science work, that’s interesting, in my city. That’s huge. Just playing it by ear, but even the idea has certainly shaken up my thinking.

    2. Windchime*

      Ha, the best view in my house is looking out the tiny window (behind the toilet) in the upstairs guest bathroom.

      I am on a dejunking tear. Yesterday I cleaned out the fridge; there was so much old, freezer-burnt crap in the freezer that I couldn’t fit actual food in there. So I threw all that out, plus some expired condiments and questionable produce. Today is going to the be the kitchen countertops and a couple of cupboards. I put up with junk for months, it seems like, and then all the sudden I get annoyed and start pitching crap.

      1. Lady Alys*

        I’m getting ready to move in the spring, so decluttering is my other part-time job now. Visitors to my house in the past few months have departed with everything from empty bookcases to unopened packages of pearl sugar.

    3. Book Lover*

      I love hearing about/watching/reading about home repairs and improvement :). I used to watch this old house and stuff like that nonstop. I hope everything turns out just the way you plan :)

      1. Hrovitnir*

        Thanks! When we actually start *doing* something (more than clearing out) I might try and update on here.

      1. Hrovitnir*

        It is pretty cool; I’m not even entirely sure what would be my preferred outcome re: career goals. I naturally included it here with thinking because it’s kind of the shape of my life! Until I was lucky enough to get this foot in the door my path and was flexible but looking at >5 years to even really start my career and almost definitely moving to Europe. Now… I don’t know. O_O

  17. The Other Dawn*

    So, I had the cortisone shots for my back a couple weeks ago. It helped cut down a lot on the pain while in bed, which is great. It’s quite awful to be trying to sleep and your back is in pain. You toss and turn most of the night and then wake up in pain, too. As far as daytime pain, which is typically while sitting for 10 minutes or more, it really hasn’t helped. Went for my follow-up the other day and they want me to have another round of shots on the 11th. I knew going into it that there’s a 50/50 shot of them working, so I’m really not surprised. A little disappointed, definitely. And the cost….doctor’s office charged the insurance $1,800.00. I don’t know yet what portion I’ll need to pay. With all the back issues between me and my husband, the HSA is wiped out (it’s my first year in the plan). But I guess the bright side is that I hit the deductible and I’m close to the out-of-pocket max. My plan year is May-April, so from here on out I won’t have to pay much. I’ll just have to make sure I get everything in before the new plan year.

    In other news, it’s effing cold here in the Northeast, my lovely cats knocked my computer speakers behind the desk (that will be fun crawling around under the desk with all the tangled wires–how do they get that way anyway when they never get touched??), and I need to clean the house for my family’s Christmas shindig next weekend. Wash all the bedding in the spare rooms, shampoo the carpets because cats, etc. People will be sleeping over, so it’s not like I can just close the doors upstairs and pretend there’s no mess. At least a lot of the nitty gritty cleaning is done, because my husband’s family came over for Christmas.

    And speaking of his family at Christmas, one niece and nephew, as well as SIL–all adults!–didn’t even thank us for the gifts, which was just lovely. We don’t ever expect gifts in return–we buy because we like to–but a thank you would have been nice, ya know? Also, I know that everyone has things they go through that make them not look forward to the holidays, but SIL every single year moans and complains that she’s not in the mood, hasn’t shopped yet, doesn’t feel like putting up the Christmas tree, etc. Every. single. year. Her dad, my FIL, does exactly the same thing. They both enjoy complaining and I have no idea what they would do if they couldn’t (not just my opinion– even MIL and husband, as well as their extended family, say this about the two of them). Anyway, I told my husband that I don’t want to hear it from her this year. I’ve had a very rough year with the loss of three cats, my dad, my brother, surgery, sickness, and now the back issues. Apparently my husband must have said something to her before they came over, because she started complaining about “not being into Christmas this year” while I was in the kitchen, and she stopped mid-sentence and walked away. She had nothing to say once she couldn’t complain and was basically quiet the rest of the night. Spent most of it playing on her phone. I was very happy not to hear the “woe is me” spiel this year. Any other year I just ignore it, but I just couldn’t take hearing it this year.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! Yup, hoping next year is better. I burned a real bayberry candle on Christmas Eve and will do so tomorrow night, too. The years I’ve done this I’ve tended to have a pretty good following year. I forgot to do it at the end of 2016, and I feel like 2017 would’ve gone better had I remembered. I totally know it’s just folklore, but it makes me feel like I have some sort of edge in the universe.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            There are several versions, but basically it is thought that if you burn a real bayberry candle to the nub on either Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve, or both, it will bring you luck, health and prosperity in the new year. Here are a few I found online at Cape Candle and Colonial Candle:

            “As folklore goes, To bring good luck for a year, burn to the nub on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. And if the flame burns bright and the light shines clear, then the heavens will bless you all through the year”

            “This bayberry candle comes from a friend, so on Christmas eve burn it down to the end. For a bayberry candle burned to the socket, will bring joy to the heart and gold to the pocket.”

    2. Mimmy*

      Oh yes it is indeed super cold (I’m in NJ – I know much of the country is feeling the chill).

      You have been through quite a lot this year and I’m sorry your relatives were less than appreciative. I am sending you hugs and good wishes for a better 2018.

      On a lighter note – I hear ya on the tangled wires! In the room I use at the place we don’t discuss on weekends, there are 5 computer stations in two rows of desks, both rows with a rats nest of wires and cables around and underneath. Oy!

    3. ..Kat..*

      So sorry about your back pain. Have you tried topical lidocaine? In the USA, it is available in patches and cream. I suggest it because it has made my pain much more tolerable. However, BIG CAVEAT, lidocaine is also a heart medication. If you take any heart medications, consult your health care practioner first. Also, don’t use more than the package advises, because this is a heart medication.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I’ve tried it and it didn’t help. The pain is from two bulging discs and an annular tear, so it’s not muscular pain. I’m guessing if it were, the lidocaine would help.

        1. BatteryB*

          Sorry to hear about your continued back pain. A few years ago, I had two ruptured discs in my neck. The pain eventually ended up feeling like an electrical shock running down my arm. Medication and physical therapy didn’t help so I ended up having surgery. I don’t regret the surgery at all; the only thing I regret is that I didn’t have the surgery earlier since I ended up with some permanent nerve damage in my right hand. The ruptured discs were impinging on one of the nerves in my right arm. Wishing you the best for a full recovery.

    4. chi type*

      I’m not sure you want suggestions but a TENS machine is the only thing that helped at all when I blew out my back. I got it from a chiropractor (that was the only helpful thing he did) and my insurance completely covered it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        A cousin of mine mentioned it, too. If the cortisone shots don’t help it’s something I might consider. I’m not in awful pain, but it could definitely be better than it is. And an annular tear is apparently a long healing process.

  18. Cawfee Ninja*

    My house is full of dust and dog hair and I can’t ever fully get rid of either! (Especially the dog hair) Ughhh

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      My house is always full of cat hair. I can never keep up with it. I am always surprised that my cats aren’t bald–and there are only two of them! Years and years ago when I had a white cat, I went to a Dr appointment and while I was sitting up on the table and he was getting ready to examine me, he asked me if I had a cat. I said “yes, why”. and he said “you’re wearing him.” I looked down and my navy blue slacks were white and furry from the knee down. I was in such a rush that morning that I hadn’t noticed. My cat liked to rub against my legs in a figure 8 design while I was getting around in the mornings.

  19. Mimmy*

    So it appears that my husband got my mom’s cold, and I don’t think I’m too far behind. And on Tuesday, we go back to that place we don’t discuss on weekends. Well, at least *I* do – he does it from home most days.

    I’m also going to get my glasses checked in a few minutes – will update later, but I expect some frustration.

    Yay. Happy New Year :/

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Hopefully you don’t catch a cold. I’m just getting over one and it sucks so bad. One would think with all the advances in the medical field that they could find a cure for the common cold, or a vaccine or something. It’s a week of pure misery, followed by hacking our brains out for another week.

    2. Rookie Manager*

      My sympathies. Went home for Christmas and brought home presents and germs. Lots of germs. Haven’t left the sofa all day. Hope your household germs are less persistent than mine.

    3. Mimmy*

      Well, good news is that I’m not sick – I think it was just temporary irritation…we hadn’t dusted the living room in a while…. But hubby is definitely sick :( (seems a lot of people are though).

      Got my glasses adjusted. Still not great, but not being able to be corrected to 20/20 makes getting the right script that much harder. My eye doctor actually made the script WEAKER. I have to give it time to see if I get used to it–which the woman at the optician counter said might take awhile–but if not, I’m bumping it back up!

  20. Rocky Top*

    Looking for recommendations for using 2 olive oils I received for Christmas, harissa and sage & mushroom. So far, all I’ve come up with are roasting vegetables, and using the harissa as the base for Smitten Kitchen’s finishing oil with her quick pasta and chickpeas. Any other ideas for *vegetarian* uses for these 2 oils would be greatly appreciated!

    1. AAM fan*

      Ooh I love flavoured oils! I use them instead of spices – like, for the harissa one, use that when you might use chilli’s, like in a soup or any spicy recipe. Or to intensify flavours: mushroom oil in mushroom soup, or drizzled over mashed or baked potatoes. I also use them in salad dressings or in place of mayo in sandwiches. I think the harissa oil would be awesome with veggie burgers, and you could make a type of truffle fries with the mushroom oil. I think ohsheglows has a good baked potato fries recipe that you could use either of those oils with. Or Yotam Ottolenghi veggie recipes could work well with these oils too.

      1. Kuododi*

        Oh that all sounds delightful!!!DH and I used to have access to a really good hot pepper olive oil…. this was ages ago. I don’t even think it is on the market anymore. He would use it to make this amazing 4-cheese omlete. Stuff was not for the faint-hearted and DH had an asbestos GI tract. Good times.

    2. Overeducated*

      I cooked some mustard greens yesterday (no pork, just stock, spices, vinegar, and maple syrup) and thought harissa olive oil (which a family member also received) would have been a nice addition. It could also be nice on tomato soup or a grated carrot salad.

      Sage and mushroom could be good for potato pancakes, gnocchi, or ravioli.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Hmm… I love harissa and mayonnaise as a topping for veggie burgers or roasted cauliflower– maybe make an aioli or mayonnaise with mostly regular olive oil and some of the harissa oil?

      Or… shakshuka, finished with harissa oil. Pasta tossed with goat cheese, lemon, and your sage and mushroom oil.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      The only thing I can think of is for dipping bread. I have some rosemary oil and garlic oil, and that’s what I’ve been using for. I really eat too much bread…

    6. Incantanto*

      Use the harrissa oil for chickpea and spinach stew. Fry onions in the oil, add cumin, chickpeas, tomato puree and water (I would normally add harissa here, but the oil dows that.) Stew for ten mins then add spinach.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Any sort of vegetable could work well – drizzle the harissa one over steamed green beans, for example. Add a squeeze of lemon and a bit of salt, if you need to. I’d also be tempted to try them on steamed rice.

    8. BatteryB*

      I don’t know how vegetarian this is, but I used to make brownies with blood orange oil. I love the chocolate/orange flavor combo.

      I also use either garlic oil or jalapeño oil when making chili. I even looked into making my own flavored oils, but most sites that I looked at discouraged it because of the possible health hazards. I did end up making my own flavored vinegars and vanilla.

  21. Cristina in England*

    I need some advice about phrasing awkward things, and I know this is a great place for that.

    Someone I am close to sometimes says… prejudiced things that I am not ok with. And so much of it is so subtle. He will, for example, complain about BBC Radio 4, and it will always be about a presenter who is female, minority ethnic, or gay. He will some sort of snide comment about the way someone’s name is pronounced or something else and then complain that they interrupted someone or they are biased. He has no problem when the straight white male oresenters interrupt someone or are biased though! He doesn’t say anything outright enough that I have a good opportunity to just say “that’s racist”, it’s always almost an aside when saying something else. So I would have to go out of my way to circle back to that aside and I am not quick-thinking enough or confident enough in an argument to do that. He is also sensitive to “political correctness of the left” etc etc so if I say what I am thinking, “you’re a racist, not old-fashioned, and I don’t find these comments welcome” it may blow up and be counter productive.

    My goal is for him to actually question his views, not get into an argument. Any thoughts? And no I can’t avoid him.

    2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I kind of had to do this with my mom, though I think she was a little more forward than this friend seems to be. She’d say things like “it seems like a safe neighborhood to have a bunch of black people” and I’d go “well, why would that have anything to do with it? They can be just as poor as we are, or far richer. *Lists examples of people we know in real-life* – and just because it’s a poor area doesn’t mean it’s crime ridden. Low income doesn’t equal crime.” And she’s getting better. Essentially, I just acted like she was saying the dumbest thing I ever heard anytime she said something to that effect, and point out why she was wrong. She’s beginning to see the error of her ways. I think this is going to depend largely on your relationship with this person. My mom isn’t big on political correctness either (largely because she grew up during segregation and it’s just a foreign concept for her, I’d like to believe she isn’t genetically wired to be that awful) – but she took it fairly well. I think I may have rambled my way around your question, but perhaps you can find a few pieces of advice buried in that.

      1. Cristina in England*

        I wish I were having this conversation with my mom instead! I find it so much easier to say stuff to her outright. Like my latest thing with her is to say “you won’t like that show because you don’t like flawed female characters” and she always takes it well when I am blunt like that and I think she tries to figure it if there’s merit in that. At least she doesn’t get angry and shut me down. Good for you for taking this on with your mom!

    3. Junior Dev*

      Maybe with the not-quite-outright statements you can ask questions. What do you mean by that? You seem to be implying ___, do you know of any evidence for that?

    4. Anon anon anon*

      I would question his commentary. “Why does that person seem biased?” And also point out when the straight white male presenters do the same thing. “Wow, he’s constantly interrupting the interviewee. That doesn’t bother you?” Over time, it could start a conversation or make a point.

    5. Florida*

      When someone makes a subtle racist comment, with a wink-wink, you-kn0w-what-I-mean tone to it, I like to play dumb. No, I don’t know what you mean, you’ll have to explain it to me. You could say, “What do you mean by that?” (with a curious tone, not an accusatory tone). I keep asking until they finally have to explain that it is because the person is of ___ minority. That will accomplish you goal of getting them to consider what they are saying.

    6. Triplestep*

      I was going to say pretty much what others have said: Saying things back to people in the form of a question can often be the best way to get them to stop and hear themselves. And often, you don’t need to elaborate; just a simple “what did you mean by that?” can stop them in their tracks. Like Alison recommends for job offer negotiations, say the thing you want to say then stop, and do not fill the silence no matter how awkward. Your fiend will be left to explain, after which you’ll either have a conversation (if he feels like defending his position), or he’ll see how he’s coming across and start to pay more attention to the things he says.

    8. Book Lover*

      Cristina, have you listened to In Our Time at all? I keep getting my hackles up because it seems like the women experts get interrupted or dismissed more than the men, but I wonder if I am just being irritable.

      A lot of this stuff is so deep and unconscious that it sometimes just takes being told about it or having it pointed out. As long as it isn’t in a ‘you are sexist/racist’ way that makes people resistant.

      1. Cristina in England*

        He usually complains about the Today programme but Any Questions is also a target. Question Time has been for similar reasons and he won’t even listen to PM because he can’t stand Eddie Mair (he thinks EM is condescending but not John Humprys!) every time he mentions EM he describes him as gay. Like any time he describes random people in stories it is always “this black woman” in a way which on the face of it could seem purely descriptive but there is something about his tone where it is obvious to me he is going all “white working class men are the demographic nobody cares about”.
        Anyway, his main radio complaint is that left wing women are the worst interrupters ever on these shows and talk over people and use condescending tones of voice, and the white male conservative counterparts are unfailingly polite and get talked over. It has gotten grating, over the years.

        1. TL -*

          A good way (for me) is to just start asking questions, like, “what did her race/sexual orientation have to do with it?”
          Or pointing out the obvious in a neutral tone. Like, if he says he doesn’t like a female presenter, just nod and say, “yeah, I figured you wouldn’t like her. You always complain about the women on this program.”
          After that, don’t get into an argument with him – he’ll probably bluster and sputter and deny, but you should just say “okay” in a doubtful tone, or “hey, not looking for an argument, only an observation,” and change the subject. Don’t engage in a fight; let him stew in his own head.

          1. Cristina in England*

            Thanks, I especially like the “what does X have to do with it?” and I think I will use that. I would love to point out the obvious (to me) in a neutral tone. If I did that, I would say “you only complain about people on Radio4 if they’re women, minorities, or gay”. Then here would really be fireworks! For someone so obviously racist, he is pretty touchy about anyone calling him racist. What’s up with that?

            1. Ann O.*

              Super common. Because they know that racist = bad guy and they don’t want to be the bad guy (or see themselves as the bad guy).

              I think if your goal is change, your instincts to avoid direct confrontation are dead on. Social science is clear that while direct confrontation may make US feel good, it just causes people to dig in on opinions. Little, indirect comments while still appearing to be on the same side are the most effective over time (with “over time” being key).

              Another thing you may be able to do is counter-complain. If you see a white, Conservative guy interrupting/talking over/etc. complain about that in the same fashion this guy complains about the women/PoC/gay people. Your acquaintance probably doesn’t even notice because he almost certainly has an unconscious bias that the white guy should be the one talking.

              1. Cristina in England*

                Thanks very much! I shall try counter complaining, I hadn’t thought of that as a strategy. I did ask him if it bothered him when John Humphrys interrupted and talked down to people but of course he disagreed and said that JH didn’t do that, and was “one of the best”. :-/

        2. Elkay*

          John Humphrys is the worst! As one of my left leaning workmates said the other week “He had me feeling sorry for a Conservative MP”. I can cope with about 5 minutes of his interviews but beyond that I switch to our local station which is like listening to Alan Partridge.

      2. Nye*

        Interesting – I haven’t noticed that. Mostly I’ve been impressed that, in BBC fashion, there is always at least one female expert on the panel. That seems so unusual compared with most American media that I’ve always thought of it as a quietly progressive program.

      3. Gala*

        Haha I usually say (or think) “Shut up Melvin!!” a few times every time I listen to In Our Time. I know he’s trying to keep the show on track but I want to know what the experts want to say! I haven’t noticed a gender bias but it doesn’t mean it’s not there. (Plus if he didn’t expound on his own theories there would be more time, too).
        Good luck with your friend, Cristina, it can be a process…

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I love it when people complain about the radio or tv. NOT.

      If the show bothers him he can turn it off. You can start there. “You don’t seem to be enjoying the show, get something else on or turn it off.”
      (I actually did this to someone.)
      From there you can work your way up. “Hmm. You say that a lot when a woman is speaking…. what’s up?”
      Now I am at the point where I can speak up about word choice. “Gee, you know, times have changed and more and more people do not use that word now. It’s a mean word, ya know?”

      I started by coming in under my targeted area that I wanted to address. I mean, I could have sledgehammered with my words, but then I would not be heard. I wanted to be heard. So my solution was to make it an on-going conversation where I cover a part each time.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thanks, I think I will try to adopt a long term view, and see it as an ongoing conversation. I think I’m afraid that no matter what I say, even a curious “what do you mean?” will trigger a more polite version of “get stuffed with your leftie PC nonsense and I’m not racist, the left wing uses that to censor people, and they’ve never even been on a city bus with 30 immigrants shouting at each other on their mobile phones.” If that happens the ongoing conversation won’t ever happen. We’ve had a conversation about race in America that went surprisingly well (I am American but he is from the U.K. and the part he is from was 90% white until a decade ago, so this is also tangled up with “the immigrants are ruining our country” stuff).
        He doesn’t use offensive words but he does use a lot of coded language and shortcuts. When he speaks, “Salt of the earth”=white working class conservative. Just as often, when we are talking about a neighborhood, he might simply shake his head and say “Asians”. In this context, “Asians”=Pakistanis and Bangladeshi immigrants who throw rubbish in the street, stand in large groups talking on street corners, have poor hygiene habits and hate white people. And the thing is, he is work friends with Asian guys who are immigrants. It’s so hard to call out because he rarely says anything outright. And I can’t just say “you’re racist” because he can then say “but I am friends with Mohammed”. I’ll just keep telling myself “ongoing conversation”.

        1. TL -*

          If he says Asians, you can ask what he means. “Asians?… I don’t get it. I guess the neighborhood does have a lot of Pakistani-British people, but what does that have to do with Subject?”

          And then, when he says loud, dirty, whatever, you can just say, “oh, that hasn’t been my experience with them. The Person I Work With/whatever is really nice and I enjoy their company.”

    10. Cristina in England*

      Thanks, all. I took your advice and did a playing dumb “what did you mean?” when he made a comment about the pronunciation of someone’s name on the radio. I did manage to suggest she might have originally had to westernize her name when she got into radio and now no one can bother to say her name correctly, which may or may not be true, I don’t know, but I was proud of myself for saying something and also not pushing the point to where it became an argument (I often struggle to find a middle ground of calm disagreement in the moment). I am going to take a long view on this since that more closely matches what my reality will be. I am going to throw out some crumbs for thought more regularly and see if anything lands. Thanks again!

      1. Reba*

        thanks for reporting back! Good luck with changing the dynamics in the relationship. It’s one of those things where you feel like you can never win but I think you’ll feel better for pushing back.

  22. DanaScully*

    Is anyone here familiar with skin conditions? My fingers and hands have suddenly come out in tiny, itchy blisters. I *think* it might be dyshidrotic eczema. I’m disabled so I’d rather avoid having to go out for medical assistance unless I really need to. I’ll reply to my comment with an image (best I could get).

    Thank you for any responses, and I hope it’s okay to ask here.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        I get those and they usually go down in about a week. I might try switching to unscented products for a while, try not to expose your hands to extreme heat or cold and take a look at what comes into contact with your hands–it could be something crazy like the lining of a pair of gloves. My go-to is Smith’s Rosebud Salve, which is quite cheap and great for pretty much everything.

        Also, nobody is ever going to notice them unless you point them out, I promise!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        That totally looks like the eczema I have. Try a cortisone cream for the itch, and talk to your doctor. Mine prescribes betamethasone valerate ointment. It’s a steroid, and you’re not supposed to use it forever because it can cause thinning of the skin, but it’s the only thing that works for me. I only use it on active outbreaks, not any other time.

        Keep hydrated and moisturize aggressively. Thicker lotions are better, preferably fragrance-free because scented lotions will aggravate it. I’ve had great luck with Gold Bond’s eczema formula–Walmart has a generic version that isn’t as expensive. Reduce stress as much as possible. I find that when I’m stressed, it gets much worse. When things are going fairly mellow, I don’t have any problems.

      1. C*

        Most dermatologists take months yo get an appointment with…so you could make an appointment now while trying the above treatment. If it doesn’t work, then you will know by the time you have your appointment. And if it is better, you can cancel the appointment.

    3. Simone R*

      I’ve gotten something that looked exactly like that before and I also assumed it was some varient of eczema, just on my toes. It went away eventually, and for me, is usually brought on by some change in shoes/socks so I never did anything to treat it except change what I was wearing.

    4. Book Lover*

      I have always done a good thick hypoallergenic lubricating cream. Especially after washing hands. It is ouchy – hope it resolves quickly.

    5. Ktelzbeth*

      It looks and sounds a lot like my dyshidrotic eczema. If it is, the treatment is moisturizing and a steroid cream.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        But if it gets worse or just doesn’t get better, you may have to go to the doctor. As C says above, it can sometimes take a while to get in with a dermatologist, but if it’s one of the more common skin things, a general practitioner might recognize it or, at the very least, be able to tell if the need for a dermatologist is urgent and speed things up.

    6. Courtney*

      Ugh, sorry! My husband and I both occasionally get these. Haven’t been able to figure out a reason, so I’m afraid I’m not helpful for advice, but I can relate!

    7. CopperPenny*

      My response is a bit different then the others.
      I got dermatitis on my hands that looked like that initially. If it doesn’t go away in a week or two I would make a dermatologist appointment. Mine became an open wound because I waited so long and was also unbearable pain and itchiness.
      The moisturising cream that worked for me is CeraVe. I need both a steroid cream and the CeraVe to get rid of it when it flairs up, but the CeraVe by itself is a great help.
      Mine was caused by developing an allergy to most soaps. I also wear gloves now while using cleaning supplies and anything harsh.
      I hope it goes away quickly and fairly painlessly.

      1. Aussie academic*

        I also have this and have also got to the open wounds stage, and I’d strongly encourage you to take action before it gets that bad. Treatment now can help, but it’s really worth once you’re out of this active flair looking at what are your triggers and figuring out what you can do to avoid them. I’m quite sensitive to cleaning products and heat, so no washing up for me, even with gloves, as the heat will trigger it. Good luck getting it under control!

    8. Amy*

      If it came on suddenly it’s possible it could be Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. It’s a virus that usually just affects children but can infect adults as well. If that’s what it is it’s pretty benign and will go away on its own.

      It’s just top of mind for me since my preschooler had it over the winter break and had little blisters all over her hands (plus a few on her feet, lip, and bum). My husband got a mild case too.

      I hope you feel better soon!

    9. Anon b/c of medical stuff*

      That looks similar to how my shingles presented at the onset – I’d recommend seeing a doctor to rule out that possibility, because if it is shingles, the sooner it’s treated, the less severe it (typically) will be.

    10. Molly's Reach*

      Looks like excema to me. That’s how my outbreaks start – with those tiny bumps. I do have a medicated Rx cream for it. I think it’s called Elocom. With mine the bumps kind of dry up and the skin gets quite dry and itchy. My dermatologist said to moisturize often, like 10-15 times a day. Use gloves when cleaning. Don’t use really hot water for bathing. Use sensitive skin laundry detergent and skip fabric softener all together. These are all tips my dermatologist gave me. Hope this helps.

    11. AcademiaNut*

      I get this occasionally on one foot, and sometimes the fingers. It flares up, and then goes down, and is worse in hot weather. I find the hand one more difficult to deal with, because it’s so hard not to rub the fingers together when it itches.

      For eczema, the first treatment tends to be over the counter steroid cream, which can be used for a couple of weeks, and reduces the itching. You can ask your pharmacist about it. If that doesn’t work, then you can go to the doctor. Eczema can be a real pain to treat, though.

      From what I’ve read, this type of rash is not always eczema based, but can be an reaction to a fungal infection like athlete’s foot somewhere else on the body (an id reaction). And the treatment is very different than that used for eczema. So if the over the counter stuff doesn’t work, a doctor can help you figure out whether the problem is actually what you think it is.

    12. Bluebell*

      This looks like the eczema I had on my fingers when I was younger. Knock wood, I haven’t had it in 20+ years. The doctor gave me some kind of steroid cream, and it really helped. Weirdly enough, I can’t use hydrocortisone because it really makes me itch, so OTC remedies aren’t really good for me. If you can avoid doing lots of dishwashing, I think that is helpful. I vaguely remember being told to avoid it if possible, and to stay away from really hot water. Hope it clears up soon!

    13. Pat Benetardis*

      I have what I think is dyshydrotic eczema on my feet, but have never gotten in to a dermatologist while it’s active. Anywho, last time I had it I used tea tree oil on it, and it cleared up really east (faster than when I’ve used an Rx steroid cream).

    14. DanaScully*

      I just want to say a huge thank you for all of you who took the time to reply. I’m keeping a close eye on it and I’ve been applying an eczema cream which seems to be helping. It’s *so* itchy! Really not sure what kicked it off.

      I’ll get an appointment with my GP as soon as I can after the holidays. I’m sure it will disappear that very day! Thanks again.

    15. JanetM*

      Oh, is *that* what that is! I used to get those all the time as a kid, and I still occasionally get one or two — always on my palms or the palm-side of my fingers. Itch like crazy; eventually dry up and peel.

      I will take the suggestions in this thread to heart.

  23. Junior Dev*

    So this is gross but…my cat is barfing a lot. I think it’s caused by eating too quickly. I tried getting one of those dog bowls that has multiple compartments so she can’t eat the dry food as fast but I don’t think she knows how/is able to get the food out of it. I gave her some wet food this morning and she threw it up.

    I took her to the vet a couple months ago and they didn’t find any problems that could cause this. I don’t have much money now but I start a new job in January so once I get paid I could take her again.

    Does anyone have other suggestions? I mostly feed her dry food, she likes wet food but for some reason only when the can has just been opened, and a full can is too much.

    2. Caledonia*

      How much is throwing up a lot?

      My cat was throwing up after food – all food, every meal – and it turned out she had an inflamation of her osephegus so they gave her medication and she was as good as new after a week.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          My cat used to eat his food too fast and throw up. We found it helped to feed him in a few smaller amounts.

          1. Loopy*

            This may not apply because I’m not a cat owner but my dog was doing this suer fast inhaling like eating and now we also break his meal into smaller “courses” so to speak. He hasn’t had any issues since.

    3. Windchime*

      How is her breath? Does it smell like clean kitty breath with a tinge of cat food? Or is it stinky? I had a cat who barfed constantly and he also had bad breath. The family vet didn’t really know what the problem was and told me that he probably was eating too fast. A visit to a different vet revealed that he had very bad tooth decay (that was what the bad breath was from) and the pain and infection was making him sick.

      When you take her back, make sure they look carefully at her teeth. If she has a tooth infection, it can cause all kinds of problems.

    4. CatCat*

      Our cat used to eat his food so fast that he’d puke. We got an automatic cat feeder that dispenses three small meals per day (instead of the main meal he had been getting) and that solved it.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      If an empty food bowl is causing food stress, then you need to bypass that process. My older cat was like that and would overeat and eat too quickly (she’s old enough that old issues have been outgrown and replaced with new issues). I got an automatic feeder that I could program to put down x amount of food 3 times a day, and she figured out very quickly that if the bowl was empty, she knew when it would have food again. That knowledge prevented her from panicking that she’d starve, so ate less overall and slowed down, so stopped throwing up. You can get these at pet stores or online.

      There are bowls that are designed to slow them down, but if she can’t figure it out that’s only going to make things worse.

      Also don’t rule out sensitive stomach. If slowing her down doesn’t fix it, she may be having trouble with the food itself. Right now, it doesn’t sound like this, but keep it in the back of your mind.

    6. Red Reader*

      Try like, a muffin tin? Less complex than what I’m envisioning from your dog bowl description, but if you break the food out, a spoonful in each divot, it’s more like a dozen tiny bowls. Slows her down, but not really complicating matters too much for her.

    7. the gold digger*

      Laverne was throwing up about once a week or so. We tried putting tennis balls in her food bowl to make it take longer for her to eat, but she was still throwing up and then she started losing the hair on her belly.

      We switched her food (I think you guys suggested it!), finally settling on a fish only/no grain/no filler formula – Fromm Grain-Free. It worked – she has stopped vomiting and her hair (finally) is growing back.

    8. Gadfly*

      My cats will do that. I have mostly defaulted to just having dry food always available (one of them had kidney and urine crystal issues where stressing him out to try to control his food is a bigger problem then him over eating. And they don’t over eat now that they are used to it.)

      I also tried thing like tbe snuffle mats. There are a lot of options for feeders that slow the animal down. Even just spreading it out on a big tray with some obstacles to have to work around or in a couple small bowls not next to each other helped.

      I also learned to give him just a little, a few pieces only, first and then a few minutes later fill the bowl. That way it wasn’t a lot of food hitting his stomach all at once.

  24. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

    I’m pretty financially illiterate in terms of saving and investing. (Thankfully, my parents did teach me that a credit card is just a pretty terrible idea. I have no desire to go through what they’re just now starting to get out of.) I don’t have a ton of money above basic living expenses to deal with right now, but I’d like to start having a plan for when I do, hopefully in the next few years. I stumbled upon The Simple Dollar and I really appreciate how simply they seem to break everything down. Does anyone have any experience with that blog or perhaps similar ones? (I don’t have any consumer debt right now, just student loans. I’ve seen some of Dave Ramsey’s stuff and it isn’t really my favorite, but I’ve only heard the no debt preachings, and not much of anything else he may or may not touch on.)

    1. CatCat*

      I’m a huge fan of YNAB for personal budgeting and they have a blog. It’s not particularly geared toward investing, but does have a good approach for saving for things you know you’re going to need (e.g., car repair). They also just came out with a book, which I haven’t read yet, but other users have commented on it favorably.

      For investing, I like The Simple Path to Wealth as a place to start. It’s written very conversationally and is easy to read. (I’d recommend reading other books too. I like The Four Pillars of Investing and Bogleheads Guide to Retirement Planning, but I think move onto those after The Simple Path to Wealth). You can get the Simple Path to Wealth as a book or basically just read the whole thing in the author’s blog. I’ll share a link in a reply.

    2. CatCat*

      I read Dave Ramsey’s book several years ago. I think his investment advice is bad and has overly optimistic projections.

      1. Kuododi*

        I wasn’t crazy about his investment, long-term planning advice either. DH and I did find it very helpful in terms of daily/weekly planning as well as just helping opening up dialogue on issues around money management as a couple. (We were able to take the course for free as an employee benefits at his place of work a few years ago.)

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I like to use a school analogy. Dave Ramsey’s stuff is for people who are in financial elementary school (I don’t mean this in a mean way)–drowning in debt, living beyond their means, don’t know anything about budgeting or saving, etc. His baby steps are quite helpful for someone who has never had a budget, an emergency fund, or any kind of cushion: save $1,000 in a “baby emergency fund,” pay off all consumer debt (including student loans), build an emergency fund of three to six months’ worth of expenses, start saving 15% of your salary for retirement, save 20% for a down payment on a house, save for kids’ college expenses, pay off the house, build wealth by investing/give generously to others. Once you’ve got these basics under control, it’s time to graduate.

        I also cannot stand Ramsey’s political opinions. However, I was able to get great value from listening to his podcast and just skipping the parts where he rants about how government should be run like a business.

    3. Simone R*

      The Billfold has been pretty hit or miss lately, but there are a lot of personal stories about money that look at spending/saving from different angles and the commenters there are great! There are some open thread like posts to ask specific questions as well.

    4. It happens*

      I think reading the articles by the founder of the simple dollar (Trent) is a good first step. He gives good, conservative advice on how to approach frugality and saving. The others are a little more salesy or gimmicky (hey, the site has to make money…)
      At the end of the day the core advice is to spend less than you make; set goals and then work toward them. Which is very boring and hard to sell advertising for.

    5. Melody Pond*

      I really like a blog called 20somethingfinance.com. And I also really like Elizabeth Warren’s book, “All Your Worth.” Her simple breakdown of the 50/30/20 rule for managing where your money goes, was really helpful for me.

      I’m really into personal finance – so much so, that Mr. Pond and I developed a little presentation to illustrate what we do, and what our plan is for our money. If you’re interested, it’s here:

      https://goo.gl/forms/l8wzXgQai3KUUcWb2

    6. Mallory*

      I think one place to start is identifying goals- shorter and long term. Then create a plan based on those goals.

      Do you want to retire early? Buy a home? Have a savings account of $X? An emergency fund that needs beefing up? Go on a spendy vacation without guilt? Pay off your loans ASAP? Start a family?

      For example, Mr Money Mustache will help you optimize your life around financial freedom/early retirement, but may not be the best if what you want to do is be solvent enough to buy a house and have a bunch of kids.

    7. Meag L*

      Your right that credit cards are terrible if you don’t pay off your balance every month! BUT they can also be very useful in building credit, IF you are able to manage them responsibly. I put every purchase I possibly can on my credit card, and then pay if off in full each month. I have a strong credit score which helped when I went to obtain mortgage. If you don’t use credit or have other debts that you pay off your credit score might be impacted. Just some food for thought.

    8. NDQ*

      I’d start with mr money mustache. It is a great philosophy to learn to live on less, invest more and live a life you design.

      NDQ

  25. CatCat*

    I got all kinds of stuff to make soap for Christmas and today I’m going to try it out! I’m just doing a basic recipe without added color or fragrance to see how it goes.

    This is going to be a great activity for my inner pragmatic mad scientist.

    2. Gadfly*

      Melt and pour?Cold process? Details!

      I have only done a little of the melts, but want to play with lye when I have space (does not exist in affordable Bay Area apartment)

      1. CatCat*

        Hot process! No patience for cold process and I couldn’t find palm-free melt and pour or I’d be doing that.

        1. CatCat*

          I didn’t get a kit, but I did do a lot of research. I read a couple books, read instructional material on the internet, learned how to use a lye calculator, and bought the component materials that I needed. I looked for kits and Brambleberry has some beginner cold process soap kits (would work for hot process, I would think, you just need to add the step of cooking the soap). I wanted palm-free soap though and the kits use palm oil.

  26. Vicki*

    Do you wear shoes indoors?

    People on television shows (English-speaking ones in any case) always seem to just walk in/out of their homes without removing their shoes. I used to think it was just a matter of convenience for filming (much like how no one ever knocks and why presents are wrapped separately) but I’ve been told that in the US people actually do that as a matter of course?

    (For context, I’m from a culture where removing one’s shoes at the door is a pretty big deal, and it’s considered incredibly disrespectful to wear your shoes into someone else’s home unless explicitly invited to do so. Guests are usually provided with slippers.)

    1. nep*

      I wear flip-flops while in the house. I don’t like keeping my shoes on once inside, but don’t like walking around barefoot or in socks.
      When I go to someone else’s house, I always go to take my shoes off near the door — just doesn’t feel right to be inside a home wearing shoes that have been outside; but people generally say don’t bother.

    2. Windchime*

      I grew up in a house where shoes are removed when you come in (in the USA) and my shoes are still the first thing to come off when I enter. I have a pair of sandals that I sometimes wear around the house. If it’s dry outside, then I will sometimes wear my shoes indoors for a little while but if it’s raining, I don’t.

      When service people or workers come to the house, they always put on those little blue shoe cover things so they avoid tracking in dirt.

    3. Book Lover*

      We take off shoes and put on slippers :). Or sometimes the kids go about in socks or barefoot, but not shoes in the house.

    4. DanaScully*

      I live in the UK and I’d never go into someone’s home without removing my shoes first. Sometimes people say it’s okay to leave them on, but I’d still rather remove them as I think it’s polite to. I had this drilled into me as a child and it’s stuck!

      In my own home, I’m either barefoot or in socks/slippers. The only time I wear my shoes inside is if I’m ready to go out and quickly run back inside for something I’ve forgotten.

    5. Cruciatus*

      Yes, I wear shoes indoors, though not constantly in my own home. In others’ homes I do ask if I need to take them off, but my mom wears orthotics and would be extremely uncomfortable without her shoes. I’d prefer to keep my shoes on in other peoples’ home if I had it my way (obviously not muddy, gross, icky shoes). It would feel so weird to have a dinner party in my socks or someone else’s slippers. I’d do it, but it’d be uncomfortable for me.

      1. CatCat*

        I’m with you. I actually avoid some people’s homes because they want me to take my shoes off (never actually been offered slippers, but I’d find it kind of gross, and shoes end up discarded in a pile). I wouldn’t dream of asking a guest to take off their shoes.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        The dinner party in socks is one that seems weird to me. When it’s a normal day I take my own shoes off for comfort, but I don’t expect it of guests. (With my kids’ friends, it seems evenly split on whether “of course shoes indoors, and keep your clothes on too” and “of course always take your shoes off on walking into a house.”_

      3. Starryemma*

        Agreed. I’m really not used to removing my shoes, so I’m usually unprepared for it. It’s the worst if I’m wearing shoes that don’t require socks, or tights or boot or something. It’s so awkward going barefoot in someone else’s house, but I’ll do it if asked, or if it seems like everyone’s taking their shoes off.

      4. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Most people I know don’t remove shoes as a matter of course when entering the house. I mean, they may choose to remove them and wear socks or slippers, but it’s not a standard or a requirement. My SIL sprung the “please remove your shoes” on me unexpectedly when they first moved out here. I hate being barefooted! At home, I take off my shoes and put on slippers, but others in my house just wear their shoes around. So I spent an evening at my SIL’s with my feet awkwardly bare and cold. Now I put a pair of socks in my purse when we go over there.

      5. Courageous cat*

        Totally agree. Shoes are a significant component of one’s outfit and it would be so strange to be in a party setting without them!

      6. Liz in a Library*

        Like your mom, the pain of not wearing shoes is the crux for me. I have problems with my sciatic nerve, and the change in my posture from standing flat-footed for as little as five minutes can lead to pain shooting down my leg hours later. I’m in shoes from the moment I get up until I climb into bed, and I generally just can’t accept invitations to homes that require shoes off.

        I’d be happy to slip on painters’ booties over my shoes though, and have occasionally kept a pair in my purse for that purpose.

      7. Catarina*

        Medical reasons aside, I am always amazed at the apparent grace and agility of shoeless home dwellers. I am constantly tripping over cat toys, bashing my toes into a chair someone didn’t push in…if I went shoeless, I’d have ten broken toes in less than a week.

    6. MissDissplaced*

      American here, and yes we mostly do keep our shoes on in the home. It’s not considered rude to do so and most people keep their shoes on around the home.
      However, I like to change into my slippers when I come from work in the evening. But this is more for comfort, not because of social norms.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I should clarify that if one is wearing shoes or boots that are muddy, dirty, wet, or snowy, grassy, or especially gross, then of course those would be taken off at the door. (Though my hubby doesn’t always follow that rule and sometimes tromps through the house making a mess!)

        “Normal” shoes such as sneakers, loafers, heels, etc. were/are typically worn in and around the home. At least this is how I was raised and still do so. I’m wearing my sneakers indoors right now. In the mornings, I put my work shoes on in the bedroom and walk through the rest of the house. Do others not do this? Do you keep all your shoes by the door then or set them out every night?

        Funny, but I tend to equate removal of shoes in homes with being more “well-to-do.” Growing up, there were a few freind’s homes where the parents required shoe removal in their home. But I always thought this was because they had much nicer “fancy” homes with plush white or beige carpets, expensive furnishings and such. And of course I knew removing shoes was the norm for some cultures. But in my working class home, we wore our shoes. It’s kind of an interesting cultural question, and I wonder why shoe wearing is more the norm with Americans.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          As a shoes-off culture, yes. All the shoes are kept near the door or in the hall closet, unless it’s a particularly formal/fancy pair of shoes, in which case they live in my closet and get taken to be put on when I’m walking out the door.

          1. MissDissplaced*

            Hmmm… in my house there is no space by the doors allocated to this purpose. And literally no place to put a seat or storage for the shoes, or even a basket. You enter right into my living room or kitchen, and in the kitchen, you’d fall down the basement steps if you tried to sit to remove/put on shoes!
            I’ve been in houses with “mud rooms” of course, but I’ve personally never lived in a home with one.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      I live in Canada. Shoes come off at the door, always. But I grew up in the States where it was common to leave shoes on all over the house, and I much prefer shoes-off. The floors stay so much cleaner!

      In the winter, where I live, places like medical offices, spas, etc., will often ask you to take off your shoes at the door as well or wear shoe coverings to keep the entire place from getting salt stained and mucky.

      1. NoMoreMrFixit*

        Another Canadian and shoes definitely come off indoors. If we’re cold then we put on slippers or thick socks.

    8. Muriel Heslop*

      We take our shoes off as soon as we enter our house and our 4 and 6 year olds do, too. We have a very leafy entrance and our kids are always muddy, so it’s just a habit. We don’t ask other people to do it, but they usually do when they see the basket near the door.

    9. LazyGirl*

      In the US this is regional. I grew up in a place where shoes were not removed, but now I live somewhere where people expect you to remove them. TBH it still feels rude to me but I comply in other people’s homes and just give people the option in my home.

    10. fposte*

      I’m American and I grew up with shoes indoors. As an adult I’ve split the difference; outdoor shoes are okay downstairs for a quick walk from getting dressed or right when I come home, but upstairs is no shoes.

      Or no outdoor shoes, anyway. I’ve got foot annoyances that mean I’m often better off with shoes, sadly, so I have indoor shoes that are kept separately.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        In Germany and Austria, I have been invited into people’s homes and been given slippers to wear (think a fabric version of the free towelling slippers you get in posh hotels)

        Although I remember once going to somebody’s house for a meeting/get together and I was the first person to arrive. I had visited her before and not needed to take my shoes off, but this time, she told me I had to. Ok, but then when the other people arrived, she didn’t ask them to remove their shoes!

    11. Ktelzbeth*

      I always take my shoes off when entering my own house unless I’m quickly grabbing something and running back out. In the winter I put on slippers. At someone else’s house I will ask. I’m in the USA Midwest, so in the winter it’s often off because of the amount of snow and salt and sand that could be tracked in. I usually bring slippers with me if I expect this to be the case. I would prefer guests to my house take off their shoes, but will not make anything of it unless it is clearly muddy or otherwise gross outside and I can see the footprints coming in.

    12. Courtney*

      I live in the US (Michigan) and grew up with shoes on indoors. My husband grew up with the opposite (although he’s from the same area) and I’ve deferred to the way he prefers it since I don’t really care.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      The doc says I have to wear shoes. My secondary reason is my floors used to be flipping cold. Think of your feet being so cold you start crying. I used to let my dog on the furniture for this reason. I put a thermometer on my floor one time and it said 45 degrees. My house is warmer now but on these cold days I would still wear shoes even without the doc ordering me to wear them.

      For me, I get tense if I have to take my shoes off in someone’s home. I do it. But it is not without physical pain.

      1. BatteryB*

        Same here. Doctor has told me to always wear shoes. I do change from outdoor shoes to ones that are only worn inside. I also keep some in my car when I visit someone who wants me to take off my outdoor shoes.

    14. Fiennes*

      It varies in the US. Continuing to wear shoes generally isn’t considered rude, but some areas usually have people take their shoes off, and others don’t. Just based on anecdata, it seems like urban areas are more likely to remove shoes (because they’re loud in apartment buildings, and people have generally walked on public streets and/or been on public transport), and more rural/suburban areas are more likely to keep them on (as there are no downstairs neighbors to disturb, and people have generally traveled door-to-car-to-door). It also seems to me that removing shoes is becoming more common in the US, particularly in the past decade or so.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I’ve always equated shoes off with being more well-to-do. and nicer furnishings So, maybe that’s why it’s more the norm in the city? Plus being practical in large apartment buildings and public transportation would make sense. Interesting.

    15. Detective Amy Santiago*

      At home or when I’m at my parents house, never.

      When I go to someone else’s house, it depends. Some people think it’s rude if you do take your shoes off, some prefer if you don’t. It’s definitely not a US custom to provide slippers to guests (anywhere that I’ve been) but I usually follow whatever the host is doing.

    16. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I don’t because I personally find it pretty gross (and also I just hate shoes and don’t understand why anyone would want to wear them a moment longer than necessary), but in general US culture it’s not wrong to wear shoes indoors, although even as a kid I had some friends whose parents wanted us to take our shoes off indoors.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        To me though, someone walking around with sweaty bare feet and sweaty socks is even grosser than the shoes.
        Not to mention athlete’s foot and fungal infections.

      2. Elizabeth H.*

        I feel EXACTLY the same way about shoes. I cannot understand how people can stand wearing them indoors, ever!
        I don’t feel like socks or bare feet are gross either, or at least certainly not as transgressive as shoes. I do change into clean socks/slipper-y socks when I get home.

    17. ThatGirl*

      In my house we take our shoes off at the door; I also do that at peoples houses I know well. If I don’t, I follow their lead. I think it really varies. I’ve known people who don’t take their shoes off till it’s time for bed. That said it’s winter and very snowy so shoes off prevents gunk from being tracked all over.

    18. Moonmodule1998*

      From the southern US here. I’m wearing boots on my bed right now. :) Too lazy to take them off at the moment. Yes, it’s acceptable to wear shoes indoors in the US, but different families and people will have different preferences. For example, on Christmas we visited my mom’s boyfriend’s parents house, and a lot of people took off their shoes before they went inside. However, they didn’t explicitly ask us to, and I didn’t take mine off because 1.) it seems weirdly informal and I don’t visit them that often, 2.) no one else in my family did, 3.) I wasn’t sure how long we were going to be there. I think there are some people here who will ask you to take off your shoes, but I haven’t been in any of their houses yet. I’d be fine with doing so if asked and wouldn’t think much of it, but it is less common. In contrast, if you visit my parents house you aren’t expected to do that, and it could seem kind of odd to do so, almost.

      From this random Americans point of view, taking off your shoes in someone’s house seems like a weirdly informal, even potentially rude thing to do. Like, maybe kids could do it, but not these grown guests who aren’t family and are only here for a while. I’d also be thinking about stinky feet, LOL. This is a very culturally American thing, it seems.

      1. Amy*

        Agreed – I would never take off my shoes at someone else’s house unless I was asked to. It would seem much too familiar, in a weird way. However, if the host wants no shoes I’m fine with that.

    19. Loopy*

      I used to at the home I grew up in and I’ve found most others actually don’t! So as an adult I don’t and now it irks me when guests leave shoes on. I also feel really rude when people tell me I am fine to leave shoes on in their house!!! I usually follow the hosts lead or see what other guests do, but though I am in the U.S, it’s stating to feel more odd to be tracking dirt everywhere knowingly.

    20. copy run start*

      Grew up in a shoes-off home in the US. Often my mom would yell at me for running around in socks (because they’d get dirty) so we typically wore slippers or went barefoot (during high summer). In my own home as an adult I always take my shoes off, though I don’t bother with slippers anymore and opt for slipper socks or barefoot during the summer.

      Honestly I think wearing shoes around the house is revolting. I have a friend who is a shoes-on family and their off-white carpet is now gray with filth in high-traffic areas. As a guest I would feel deeply uncomfortable wearing shoes in someone’s home and people who do not take off their shoes in my home seldom are invited back. I’d much rather walk around in socks because they’re easier to clean and replace than the floors and furniture.

    21. Nicole*

      We always take our shoes off at the door and let new guests know ahead of time before visiting. I don’t think it’s rude to do so. Not only is it more comfortable, but also more sanitary. There was a study where they found traces of feces on the bottom of every shoe tested. I don’t want that on my carpet and floors! Also, how does one relax on their couch wearing shoes? I like to sit with my feet up. :)

      2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        I think it’s incredibly kind of you to alert guests to your preferences before. It wouldn’t sway my decision to visit you, but being able to mentally prepare for that and not be blindsided would be a huge relief. It’s like when people tell me where to park. Those are the folks I like to visit. :-)

    22. Bryce*

      It really depends on the house/family. Most of the folks I know leave their shoes on, but I always take them off. My mother needs to wear shoes for stability but has a separate pair of indoor ones to keep them clean. I think it can depend on how much of the floor is carpets and whether you want to bother; shoes tend to stay on for parties for example because keeping track of everything is bad enough with jackets.

    23. Lissa*

      I’m from Canada and we take our shoes off. I remember learning about Japanese culture and reading “they take their shoes off inside!” as though this was some surprising fact and I was like….yeah? It seems to be mostly USA that keeps them on, though I also like how in some European countries, slippers are offered!

      Every time this topic comes up a couple people who live in shoes-on areas mention how they can’t take their shoes off, or know people who can’t, for medical reasons. I have never seen this come up in a shoes-off location though and I imagine that most polite people would totally understand a “actually I have a foot condition”…I just haven’t ever seen it come up, oddly!

      1. Bryce*

        My mother has an ankle issue and needs shoes for support, but she has a separate pair of indoor shoes.

      2. Colette*

        Canadian as well, and I think most people with foot issues bring separate indoor shoes to wear. But yeah, you take your shoes off when you come inside.

        (I don’t think I did as a child, at least not all the time, but I wouldn’t think of keeping my shoes on now.)

    24. Elizabeth West*

      It varies. I usually take them off at home just for comfort, but I don’t make other people do it. I don’t have carpets, though. If asked, I will take them off at other people’s homes, no problem.

    25. Amy*

      I’m in the US and don’t generally remove my shoes when coming inside, except when I’m planning to be inside the rest of the day and would rather be in sock feet for comfort. We were raised to take off our shoes if they were muddy or wet, but otherwise we didn’t worry about it. I’m happy to comply if that’s someone else’s preference in their own home, though.

    26. Elizabeth H.*

      I’m from USA (MA) and have basically always lived here. I personally take my shoes off at home and I have ever since I can remember (including as a teenager), but I wasn’t raised like we are supposed to take shoes off at home and I think my parents often wear shoes in the house and always have. In my (miniscule) dorm room in college I always took shoes off at the door and when I’ve lived in apartments I always take shoes off at the door. Once in a while I forget something in my room and have to run back and get it and if I’m in a major hurry I leave shoes on but it seriously makes me cringe. Some things to add are that I am a huge neat freak (when I had my own place I vacuumed weekly and kept the floors literally, for real literally not hyperbolic, clean enough to eat off of) and that I personally have a big compulsive thing about shoes (I hate wearing shoes at all and especially closed toed shoes). I feel uncomfortable wearing shoes in other people’s houses and usually take mine off if there’s any sign it’s socially acceptable to do so (in winter in New England, it’s normal to take your winter boots off at door). The exception is if it’s a party or festive occasion and I’m wearing nice shoes like heels or nice flats in which case I will wear those shoes the whole night inside (including if the dinner or party is at my own house). And sometimes in snowy weather I’ll bring nice shoes to change into when I get inside.
      I think wearing shoes inside is pretty unpleasant but I recognize it’s common here. Because I recognize that it’s common here I don’t ask guests to take off shoes (except my boyfriend when he is in my bedroom) but when I had my own place I would clean scrupulously after they left.
      As you can see I have many thoughts on this so I’m happy for the opportunity to share! I really loved traveling in Japan where it’s not weird and is in fact appropriate to take shoes off inside *always*. And Russia.

    27. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have always hated wearing shoes indoors but I grew up in a shoes-on household. When I moved out on my own, I made my own home shoes-off, but I don’t insist on it with guests. When I visit someone for the first time and they’re wearing socks, I usually ask if it’s a shoes-off house and prepare to de-shod. I usually wear fun socks, so I’m prepared.

    28. Annie Mouse*

      I usually at least go to take my shoes off at the door and kinda expect people to do that at my house. Although sometimes I will nip inside my house with them on if I’m not stopping long.
      I would say a dinner party is possibly an exception to that if you’re all dressed up posh.
      And I have a massive exception at work. My shoes go on when I leave the house and the only times they will come off before I finish for the day is if I get something in them or if the police need them as evidence for something. And I go into a lot of houses each day. I realise that it can seem disrespectful in some cultures but my boots keep me safe and I’m enough of a clutz with our equipment that I’d have serious issues with my feet if I took them off!! But give me a pair of those blue shoe covers and 99% of the time, I’ll stick them on.

      1. Annie Mouse*

        Just thinking actually, my work boots are the only shoes I absolutely won’t wear in my house past the hallway. I know where those have been in the past….

    29. Courageous cat*

      Yeah, I always wear shoes indoors throughout the day, I only take them off at the end of the day really. I dunno, I get the argument against doing that, but like… I’ve done it my whole life and I haven’t experienced any weird horrible disease from whatever’s on my floors, which seems to be what some people seem to think will happen. It’s just not a big deal to me. Shoes are part of the outfit and so I wear them with the rest of the outfit. And my floors are not visibly dirty in any way.

      And I can tell I already start feeling defensive when I am typing that because I tend to be in the minority on this and I sort of hate coming to someone’s house and being asked to take off my shoes when I am not expecting to, particularly if I’m not wearing socks. It feels too intimate to be barefoot in someone’s house, especially if there are people there that I don’t know very well.

      1. MissDissplaced*

        A lot of my shoes are worn without socks and it would be gross to me to have to walk around barefoot in someone else’s house.
        This is really fascinating though.

    30. Rookie Manager*

      Fascinating thread! We’re very much a shoes off household (Scotland). In our old house I’d take off my shoes but my partner didn’t all the time – but downstairs was all hard flooring.

      When we moved into our new house we decided that all carpets were shoe free. Guests can wear shoes in the hall/kitchen/downstairs loo but if they venture into the lounge etc shoes must come off. We have pale fluffy carpets and after 7 years they are almost immaculate. We used to warn people that we were shoes off and to paint toenails/bring slippers/wear clean socks (or whatever makes them comfortable) and have never had any push back. Now everyone does it automatically, we even have a bench to sit and take off/put on shoes.

      In home visits in a professional capacity I have occasionally been asked and occasionally offered to de-shoe. My family are all shoes off households so I do it automatically, SIL just got a new carpet so is shoe free and most friends I expect to remove shoes and feel more comfortable when I do. My MIL always fussed and says to leave my shoes on but I know how much effort she puts into keeping the floors immaculate so I ignore her and will take slippers for any longer than an hour visit.

    31. kas*

      I’m Canadian and shoes come off at the door. I can’t walk around my house in the same dirty shoes I wore outside. If I go to someone’s house though, I always bring socks unless it’s family. I don’t feel comfortable walking around barefoot in someone’s house, especially because I don’t know if their floor/house is clean.

    32. K.*

      At home or at my parents’ homes, never. Growing up we didn’t wear shoes indoors. Slippers, sometimes. At others’ houses, I take my cue from the host. But I literally never wear shoes in my own home. I’m wearing wool socks right now.

    33. Big City Woman*

      Yes to indoor shoes. We would only take slushy or muddy boots off. When I was growing up, I only knew of one family that required shoes to be removed when I went to their house, and that was considered pretty weird and a pain in the butt. I have one friend who requires removing your shoes, and I hate it because I always have problems with my feet or have holes in my socks and don’t want anyone to see.

      1. fposte*

        I think she’s talking about the way TV presents have the lid and box wrapped separately, so people open presents just by lifting the wrapped lid off the box.

        1. nonegiven*

          I used to wrap that way, but only if I had a box with a separate lid, not like an Amazon box or whatever.

    35. ..Kat..*

      I need foot support from special, expensive orthotics to try and manage my plantar fasciitis (which is really painful). So, sigh, my shoes now have to stay on in the house.

    36. Aphrodite*

      I have no idea why but this subject is generally a hot one wherever it appears. People are either “no shoes in the house” or “shoes on in the house.” There seems to be very little middle ground, and I am not sure why. I always follow my hostess’s rule and have no problems with either way.

      I am definitely in the no-shoes camp. I wasn’t raised that way; we wore shoes except when sleeping or bathing. However, in 1979 I moved to Hawaii were no one wears shoes in the house. And I never have since–nor do I allow anyone else to do so. I wouldn’t walk barefoot on a public *gags at the thought* and to me wearing shoes that have been on the street and then wearing them inside your home is no different.

    37. Kerr*

      US here. I go barefoot in my own home for comfort, but I live in a firmly shoes-on culture and would never require it of guests. But I’ve lived in both shoes-off and shoes-on cultures, and both make sense to me.

      The key is that if it’s cultural, nobody is surprised. If you’re going against the culture and making a special request, you want to give people warning well in advance and not press your expectations upon guests. In a shoes-on culture, I don’t expect to take off my shoes in someone’s home, and my feet may be unpedicured/stinky that day/wore mismatched socks/shoes are grubby inside (especially sandals!). It’s my feeling that hosts going against the grain should give advance notice and/or disposable shoe covers or slippers.

    38. MsChanandlerBong*

      We change into slippers/socks when we get home, but only because our yard is filled with plants that drop thorny little balls of terror all over the ground. The barbs are so sharp that they sink into the soles of our shoes, so if we wear shoes in the house, we end up shedding spiky things all over the place. I don’t know what the plants are, but the barbed balls of terror look kind of like kidney stones with hooks sticking out from them. They are awful.

    39. nonegiven*

      My husband wears lace up work boots, pretty involved to put on and take off. He’s in and out most days doing stuff outside. He puts them on in the morning and doesn’t take them off until he’s getting ready for bed or shower.

      I can’t stand shoes and I take them off in the bedroom and put on my slippers as soon as I get home.

    41. Catarina*

      I actually have a question about this, and I’ve never gotten a straight answer.

      For people who refuse to wear shoes indoors, how do you deal with going in and out over and over with your arms full–like when unloading groceries from the car? Do you teeter in the doorway fumbling with your shoes each load, or just walk back out to the car barefoot? I don’t get it.

      1. Someone else*

        I can usually carry all my groceries in both hands. I never have more than 4 bags at once, but usually it’s more like 2-3. If I did need multiple trips I just put them down right inside the door. There’s no need to repeatedly take shoes on an off to unload groceries. Once they’re all inside, I take my shoes off at the door and then move the bags into the kitchen.

      2. Clever Name*

        I have a tile entryway, so I bring in my groceries and set them on the carpet near the door. Once they are all in, I take off my shoes and carry them to the kitchen/have my 11-year-old carry them the rest of the way in.

      3. Valancy Snaith*

        I have stone in my entryway and a rug in front of the garage entrance. So either I bring everything in and set it on the rug or the stone, or stack everything right outside the door and bring it back in. It’s not that complicated. Honestly, it’s so rare that I have more groceries than my husband and I can carry in our hands that it doesn’t come up very often at all.

    42. Clever Name*

      I don’t wear shoes in my own home. In summer I go barefoot and winter I wear slippers. But I don’t demand guests remove their shoes. If it’s slushy outside and folks are wearing boots, people normally remove their shoes without being asked.

      My parents wear their shoes in their house, and when I visit, I keep my shoes on, mostly because I think they don’t clean their floors often enough or are particularly thorough about it.

  27. paul*

    End of life care is awful, at least in the United States (is it better elsewhere? I haven’t seen it in action elsewhere).

    I didn’t make my dogs die like this. Why do we make people go this way?

    1. Book Lover*

      I am so sorry. I have had wonderful experiences with hospice, but I know that they are different companies and it depends on which one you choose. And of course the patient and family have to want hospice. Again, so very sorry.

      1. paul*

        He’s in hospice and we’ve removed the hydration IV (there’s a term for it, I’m forgetting it). Lots of anti anxiety meds and morphine but he’s 80 years old and if we want to avoid jail time we basically have to let him die of hunger and/or dehydration. Staff last night said it could be up to 8 or 10 days like this :/

        Hell of a way to die.

        1. Suddenly Free*

          I’m so sorry paul. I watched my husband slowly suffocate in the hospital. Yes, he had morphine. He had stage 4 lung cancer. His lungs were shutting down. And it still took literal days for him to die. He was 64. I will pray for your loved one and for you what I prayed then; for this to be over.

        2. fposte*

          I know it seems horrible, paul, but I think it’s harder for the onlookers than for the person dying. I’ve known people who chose that, and it’s actually been really peaceful for them; the body just shuts down on its own. Does it seem like they’re in distress?

          I agree with you that physician assisted death, as is legal in a lot of places, is something that should be available. But I think if your person doesn’t seem uncomfortable, they probably aren’t, and it’s more of a problem for those close to them.

          I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

        3. Book Lover*

          This is how my grandmother went, in another country, and as awful as it seems from outside, for her it was peaceful and painless. And with family at bedside as much as possible. Sometimes people want to give hydration because they think how uncomfortable it would be to die of thirst, but actually it is not like that, and hydration causes more problems with breathing. I am not sure if that helps, but just to say I have seen it and it really is peaceful. I am not saying that there couldn’t be better options, but it is not so awful as it sounds (for the patient, of course hard for the family).

        4. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I am so sorry :( I agree that it’s cruel that we make people suffer to die “naturally” when we don’t do that to our pets.

          Sending good thoughts to you and yours for a quick and painless passing.

        5. Tris Prior*

          I’m so sorry. I went through this with my father. They took him off of the machines and said he’d go in an hour or two. He held on for four days, and it was awful to watch.

          As you say, we don’t make our pets suffer like this.

        6. ..Kat..*

          I am so sorry that you and your loved one are dealing with this. But, part of the dying process is the shutting down of the digestive system. The patient loses their appetite. We used to think that putting in a feeding tube and feeding them was the right thing to do. But now we know that (when someone is dying) the not-eating thing actually provides some pain relief. We let the patient decide whether to eat or not.

    2. Suddenly Free*

      It’s better if you have the money to pay out of pocket, or can do the care yourself. Well, one of those is better. My BIL died in hospice care in a beautiful private home setting with full-time medical staff. It was bloody expensive but he had superlative care. My husband died in the hospital after being cared for in his own home by myself and our daughter for several months. I’m very grateful he was able to be in his own home, with his own family for that time, but it was … just incredibly hard.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      We have a long way to go in developing our medical treatment plans. A very long way to go.

      Very sorry, Paul. Very sorry.

    4. Elf*

      I decided years ago that if I get any of the diseases my grandparents died of then I’m moving to a state with euthanasia for precisely this reason. I hope he has a heart attack or an aneurysm or an accidentally high dose of morphine to speed things along. Just remember that it will end.

    6. All Hail Queen Sally*

      My father was in hospice for EIGHT MONTHS when he was dying of Parkinson’s Disease. He would get so constipated from the morphine and be in pain but they wouldn’t give him an enema because that was “treatment” so they would give him more morphine for the pain. It went on and on like this. It was just horrible. When my time comes, I want to be euthanized.

      1. Lissa*

        Same. I actually don’t understand why it’s considered humane and the right thing to do for pets, but not humans. I’m not being facetious, I actually don’t know. With humans they can even say “this is what I want” so we can be sure!

        1. Epsilon Delta*

          I struggle with understanding why we view these cases differently too. I can’t wrap my brain around the logic.

    7. Clever Name*

      We were lucky in that my granny was able to die in her own home. We had been giving her morpheine (under the supervision of the in-home nurse). We gave her appropriate doses at all times, but the nurse still cautioned us not to give her too much because “it might suppress her breathing”. Essentially the nurse told us to do less to ease her pain and drag out her dying process. It was unreal.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  28. AdAgencyChick*

    Someone just canceled his RSVP for my NYE party (for which I cook a full meal with apps and desserts) because he doesn’t want to go out in the cold.

    Don’t be surprised if I don’t invite you to any more parties, bro. This is a lifelong bachelor who has never hosted anything in his life (unless “come to my apartment and bring all the food and booze” counts as hosting, but he hasn’t even done that in years). I don’t know whether he just doesn’t know how much work it is to put together a good party, or if it’s that he doesn’t care. Either way, he sucks.

    Just venting. :/

    1. Triplestep*

      Sounds like you’re lucky he cancelled rather than just deciding not to show up without telling you. (And yes, it also sounds like he does not know how much work it is to put together a good party, and/or he thinks it comes easily to you and you enjoy it, so his cancelling is no big deal.) Sorry you’re one short; is there someone else you’d like to invite in his place on short notice?

    3. Simone R*

      Ugh. I will never forgive the people who came to my NYE party (with tons of homecooked food) and then took the alcohol they had brought back with them when they left! Ever since then I’ve hidden the wine, or thrown out the 6 pack carrier so they can’t do that.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Huh. In my circle you bring your own booze to drink and take it home with you or you hand a bottle to your host.

        1. Rookie Manager*

          In my circle that would be incredibly rude unless the host insisted you take it back with you. It’s how we have ended up with a collection of spirits we don’t drink… but is fantastic for the occasional ‘just come back to ours’ at chucking out time.

          At house parties the host would normally provide the first drink or two and plenty mixers and guests would bring their own alcohol for the rest of the night. Depending on how raucous the night becomes the host may come out with more or less booze than the start of the night. My partner is also likely to go ‘you have to try this new whisky/local keg I bought.

          Unfortunately neither me or my friends are sophisticated enough to match drinks to courses!

        2. Simone R*

          This was beer and wine, not spirits, the guests handed the wine to me, and drank the provided cocktails and ate the fancy food I had cooked. That’s why I found it annoying!

          1. Rookie Manager*

            I probably wouldn’t invite them back! Unless something was explicitly agreed I would just find that really rude.

            This is so context dependant though. A couple of months back a friend popped in a had a glass or two of red wine, when he left I sent him away with the rest of the bottle because it was a fancy one that neither of us would drink, it seemed a waste to turn it into gravy or poured down the sink.

      2. Elizabeth H.*

        Hmm, interesting. I can see this both ways. If I am going over to a small dinner party I would leave whatever didn’t get consumed during the evening. But at a larger event (including possibly an NYE party) if something I brought didn’t get served, like an entire bottle of wine, and it seemed unobtrusive for me to take it back (as in I hadn’t like presented it to the host, just left it in a bag waiting to replenish the alcohol available set out), I think I’d take it back. I would also take back beer that didn’t make it into the fridge in the first place.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Also is this alcohol that’s being shared with the group or that people are bringing just for themselves? I’ve got a bottle of gin I’ve taken to two dinner parties this week – I can’t afford to leave it there just so I can have a couple gin and tonics and wouldn’t be expected to.

          1. Rookie Manager*

            If you are just having a couple of gins at mine then I’d definitely suggest you take it home with you. Or if you were regularly round and insisted on leaving it I’d be very firm that it would be ready for you next time.

            We tend to put all the alcohol together and people batter in. I get annoyed when people (Not necessarily at mine) will drink the open bottle of wine/vodka/drink of choice all night then take theirs home because it hasn’t been opened. Or bring a cheap bottle themselves and drink the quality stuff others have brought – this is how we have paint stripper vodka in the cupboard *shudders*.

            It can be a fraught issue if you stray from the norms of your group I guess.

              1. Rookie Manager*

                I don’t think I explained clearly, all the drinks tend to get put in a cold spot and everyone helps themselves after the first drink or two. If I had to be a proper hostess serving people we would be much less hospitable. Between the shoe thread and this one I’m currently surprised anyone comes to our house!

            2. Middle School Teacher*

              A little off topic, but paint stripper vodka can be drinkable with the right mix. I use it for Caesars :)

        2. Simone R*

          Yes, this was wine that had been handed to me and beer that was in the fridge that got taken back. That’s why I was annoyed!

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            That is pretty bizarre then! I can’t imagine handing someone something then taking it back, unless it was a really casual & large party (the BYOB type party) and there was an excess of whatever it was. And especially taking beer out of the fridge, again, unless it was a BYOB party. Most of the gatherings I go to are BYOB but you can pretty much tell the difference.

      3. Rookie Manager*

        I will never forgive the unknown person who brought a 1/4 bottle of vodka to a house party over 15 years ago. No one drank less than 1/2 bottle and most drank far more. No one had money as we were all students. We found the bottle during clear up next day and no-one admitted to it. Same party someone superglued a flower to my cactus, that person sheepishly apologised the next day.

      4. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yeah, that is pretty rude. To me, the booze is a gift for the host, so to take it back would be like giving somebody a gift and then taking it home with you when you left.

    4. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I know some people are just generally crappy, and I’m not trying to self diagnose, but does your friend have anxiety or any sort of family drama going on? The holidays can be rough for either of those. I have anxiety and I’m not proud that I’ve canceled on some friends, and some of my excuses have been pretty pathetic but sometimes your brain doesn’t give you much of an option, or at least make it easy to override. Obviously, if it’s a pattern, maybe not. Just thought I’d throw it out there because I never really even thought about that being a reason before I realized and was diagnosed it myself. I completely understand your frustration though!

      1. Bryce*

        I’m that way with anxiety. If I agree to go to a social thing I can’t give myself any escape clauses (“if the bus schedules cooperate” “if I’m not too tired” et cetera) or part of my brain starts trying to sabotage me to fit into them. It’s also (among other reasons) why I tend not to host; I’m often the first one to want to wrap things up, and I prefer it if I can just say some discreet goodbyes and slip out the door.

        That said, once I commit I’m committed. The only time I’ve ducked an RSVP is when I had the flu, that wouldn’t have been a very nice wedding gift.

    5. fposte*

      How cold are we talking about? It’s supposed to be 12 below here on NYE. I’d damn sure cancel if I was doing anything invitational.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        We are about the same here. It said on the news that they were expecting a lower turn out at a big wingding in our state’s capital city because of the cold. They will have heaters but that is just not enough to motivate me.

      2. K.*

        I agree. I’m supposed to go to a yoga thing on NYE. It snowed today and tomorrow’s high is 18 degrees. There are no reserved spaces so there’s nothing to cancel but I’m contemplating not going. I went out to dinner with a friend earlier this week and it was sub-zero with wind chill, and while I enjoyed my friend’s company I wished I’d stayed in. It was COLD.

    6. Fiennes*

      Is there anyone you know likely to be alone that night who might appreciate the dinner that guy just turned down? Maybe his rudeness can be someone else’s good fortune.

    7. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think you’re being a little harsh. He called and notified you that he wasn’t coming a day ahead of time. Maybe he’s not feeling well or has some other health condition that makes the cold difficult for him. How far would he have to travel and how? If I had to drive a great distance or rely on public transit when it was this cold, I would be hesitant to go out too.

    8. brushandfloss*

      I wouldn’t be surprised if more people canceled on you depending on the weather. Its bitterly cold in the NE right plus snow in some places. I’m not risking an accident or getting stranded just for party. Those are the risks with hosting parties during cold weather. I would expect a friend to understand that.

    9. Tris Prior*

      Eh, I don’t know. I understand being disappointed because someone is bailing, but, you’re in NYC, aren’t you? (Apologies if I am misremembering). I am in a similarly public-transport-friendly city where it’s normal to not have a car – I don’t – and I am seriously thinking over whether I want to bail on my NYE plans. Do I really want to deal with public transport when it’s going to be -2 out (before the windchill)? Is the Lyft surge pricing going to go so high that I can’t afford it – on busy nights like NYE, that often happens? Or do I want to gamble on catching a cab on a busy night, which might take longer than taking the damn bus in the first place?

      I don’t know how cold it’s going to be where you are, but here it’s not that unusual for people to bail on stuff if it’s going to be dangerously cold and neither they nor their friends drive. (And we are supposedly “hardy midwestern stock” who can take everything; still, it can be downright painful to be outside in these conditions.)

    10. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m sorry. That sounds frustrating, since you’ve probably already started putting in some of the work. On the other hand, I don’t know where you are, but if it’s anything like where I am, it is going to be dangerously cold the next couple of days. Church was cancelled for tomorrow morning and our pastor told everyone to stay home and be safe. Sometimes it really is too cold to go out and that number is different from person to person. It also sounds like you do a lot more for him than he does for you, so unless he is truly scintillating at parties or has some other major attraction, it doesn’t sound like you have much to lose by not inviting him back.

  29. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I started using my SAD lamp and oh wow, it’s really helped my mood. It’s not a cure-all but i do think it helps with my depression when the days are so short.

    I’ve been concerned about getting my sleep cycle back on track for a Thing We Do Not Discuss on Weekends so this is encouraging too.

    Anxiety is still bad in certain contexts. I took an Ativan before going to the mall recently and I think it helped.

    I’m thinking about trying to ride public transit again, but I’m not sure if I can mentally handle it. I started a knitting project and I’m thinking of riding with my noise cancelling headphones and a podcast on. I don’t know if that would be safe, they’re nice headphones. I might try a test run next week when I don’t need to be anywhere in particular.

    I wasn’t able to exercise for a while because I was sick with a cold. I went to the gym last night and used the hot tub after working out and by 10:30 pm I was ready to collapse in bed so that’s a good sign. I had been staying up til 1 or 2.

    How are you doing?

    1. Windchime*

      I’m doing well! When I take the train, I will sometimes knit but the bus is too crowded (for me). But I see people crocheting on the bus, so I could probably knit if I wanted to. Make sure to keep your ball of yarn in a baggie or something so it won’t go rolling down the train aisle if it falls(as me how I know this). As far as the headphones go, I have a big (expensive) pair that I used to take back and forth to use on the bus, but now I leave those at work and use a smaller pair of ear buds on my commute.

      I continue to feel pretty good, anxiety-wise. Holidays are usually rough for me, but I pretty much sailed through this one with only little pangs of anxiety. I’ve got a tropical vacation coming up in three weeks, so that is keeping me pretty excited and happy. Oh, and I paid for the rental car with credit card points so I’m feeling pretty smug about that.

      1. JaneB*

        Not great, but so pleased to hear the light is helping you!

        I’ve got into bad sleep patterns (too much/wrong time) and lazy eating habits (not awful but not good) over the break and I totally don’t want to do anything ever again, or leave the house… slowing down is great, but worrying about having to get going again is hard… back to the thing we do not talk about with a vengeance on Tuesday, with a trip to a conference (no talk written yet) and I don’t want to :-(. More sleep please!!!

    2. nep*

      Great stuff, Junior Dev. Glad the lamp is helping some.
      I’ll be interested to hear how the public transport outing goes. Years ago I used only public transport for work; right now I don’t have to, and I really wonder whether I could. I sometimes think of hopping on a local bus just to see. The thought of it freaks me out — all the more reason I should do it.

      A hint of dental pain yesterday had me pondering suicide methods.
      I need an F-ton of expensive dental work done and I’m broke, so it’s all got to wait. I’ve been fortunate — touch wood — in that I’ve been pain-free for a long time, against all odds. It’s like a ticking time bomb, because heaven knows what I’ll do if something gets really bad. (Already I’m living dangerously because any kind of infection in the mouth can wreak havoc.) When that pain came yesterday, ending it all is really the only “solution” that came to mind.
      I wouldn’t go through with it, though; as I’ve said before, while I might contemplate it I can’t imagine acting on it. The dental problems are an enormous source of stress, and I can plainly see how the stress is affecting me.
      Very fortunately, the pain has subsided. Bought a little more time.
      Current home situation is crazy and working out saves my life; I’m so glad I’m able to exercise.

      1. AAM fan*

        Is there a dental school near you? If so, it might be an option for cheap dental work. You probably already know this, but just in case…

        1. nep*

          Indeed — that is a good idea because of cost and I’ve heard of people having good results with that. Call it ego or whatever the hell — truly it’s all I can do to expose my horrid mouth to the dentist and hygienists I already know and who’ve seen how bad it is; can’t imagine going to a new dentist. As it is it’s stressful as hell even going to the one I’ve been seeing for years. I’ve thought about going to a dentist who’s closer to where I live, who’s an acquaintance; the one I go to is a ways away. But my regular dentist and his staff have been really fantastic.
          Probably would be a really good ‘exercise’ for me to go and be vulnerable in front of a dental team and just let it be. What would I tell a friend? You are not your teeth. Your mouth does not define who you are.
          Crazy thing is the period when my teeth took a real beating was decades ago when I was depressed and thinking of suicide. In a way the fact that I’m alive to deal with me teeth issues is testament to — I don’t know — something that brought me back from the edge.
          Thanks

          1. C*

            Also, do you have Dental Insurance? Costco offers dental insurance for not that much money. You can also buy an individual plan from Deltadentalins dot com. It is typically a Dental HMO where you have to choose a specific dentist from their list. But your dentist may be an option – or it might be worth changing if it would be more affordable.

            1. nep*

              Once my financial situation stabilises I’ll certainly look into dental insurance or especially CareCredit. (Most insurance probably has a cap above which I’d easily go within months.)
              Thanks

              1. Nye*

                Something to consider is that personal dental insurance (eg not through work) sometimes doesn’t cover anything more than checkups for a set period of time, like a year. So better to get coverage sooner if you can swing it, to pay for future dental work. I was without dental insurance for 8+ years as a grad student/postdoc, and was dismayed to discover this.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Aww, nep, I so feel you.

            Just been going through a bunch of stuff with my teeth. I do not see an end in sight yet.

            A couple random suggestions:
            There is a discount dental plan – Careington Dental. The website is “1 dental dot com”. My friend used it and it probably saved him 30-40% on his extensive work. Unlike some dental insurance there is no cap, so you just keep going with the work you need. It’s $99 per year, of course, you can cancel it in the second year if you only need it for one year. You do have to check to see if the doc accepts the Careington Plan. The other thing I would check is to find your doc’s prices and compare that with the estimates on the Careington site, to make sure you can reasonably assume you will save money.

            Going a different way, my dentist had me get this product at the health food store. It’s called Peri-Gum. It’s around 30 bucks a bottle. The dentist could see the results the first week I used it, everything started calming down, gums less red and so on. It’s cayenne pepper, so you start off with a small dose and work up. There are clear directions right on the bottle. His strategy here was to keep things from getting worse and worse. I can tell you, it worked. I understand the desire to hide from one’s own mouth. Been there. This might help dial that back while you take care of other things.

    3. DanaScully*

      I have finally come to accept that my arachnophobia is getting out of hand, and I’ve asked for help. I check for them in every room I enter, and if I ever do encounter one, it’s a full blown panic attack with hysterical crying and it takes me such a long time to calm down.

      I’m also really concerned that I have some sort of OCD due to the rituals and affirmations that have become part of my daily life. Hopefully the therapist I’m assigned will help me to explore this.

    4. Almost Violet Miller*

      I think I made my first personal post in response to a question of yours… and here I come again.
      Those lamps are great! I also use one, usually in the morning while I am having breakfast/getting ready. It’s not how it’s supposed to be used exactly (at least mine) but I found it to be the most useful way. When and how do you use it?
      I am proud of having enjoyed the holidays more than I’d expected. I also haven’t done anything desperate after my break-up which is hard when you are staring at your phone through your tears but being alone gives me some perspective and while I still don’t know what my ideal scenario would look like, I think I am as close to figuring it out as it’s possible for me.
      Struggling with: pretty much what I just wrote above. Being alone, even when I am an introvert and generally need A LOT of alone time, is hard and not having someone there for you constantly is a new/old experience I am learning to deal with. I am also working on a side project and I am a bit behind but I am having fun with it and also am learning a lot from it so I am letting myself enjoy it in my own pace.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so glad to hear the lamp is helping and well done on getting to bed. Re public transport, can you break it into small steps? One time just go to the stop or station, look around and leave. Maybe next time get on and ride for one stop.

      I’m proud that I advocated for myself after my very disorganised local chemist (unfortunately the only place I can conveniently get my meds) left me a snitty voicemail saying I ‘still’ hadn’t picked up a prescription from December and insinuating that they would throw it away.

      I had been in twice in December. The first time they were struggling with a huge backlog and I had to come back another time. The second time they failed to give me everything. I said this was their oversight not mine. That I have five prescriptions to keep track of and they were making it even more stressful. That I’ve been using them for several years and always pick up my medication and it’s a shame they don’t have any way of keeping track of regular customers.

      I asked could they not call me in future? She said no, they had to as it’s policy. I said well I have anxiety and I need you to make a reasonable adjustment and make a note that you do not leave voicemails like that – just tell me I need to pick something up. I added an AAM-style: can you do that? She said yes. But it was a hollow victory as it was so damn stressful.

      I’m struggling a bit with not being taken at my word over on the Friday open thread when posting about something really hard for me – I know the person meant well but being told “you’re probably wrong, this person probably hasn’t noticed that you don’t work on x” when I KNOW THEY KNOW WHAT I DON’T WORK ON has just been kind of exhausting. I’m not usually so easily rattled by internet comments but I guess I was feeling vulnerable.

      I also need to deal with the stuff I posted about on there. So I guess I’m struggling with people asking me about what I’m eating.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Congratulations on advocating for yourself with your chemist! I can picture myself shaking while trying to have that conversation, so please don’t read me as at all sarcastic when I say that that sounds huge. I’m sorry you had trouble with some replies yesterday. I hope you got some good too.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thank you, I really truly appreciate that. And I got a slew of helpful responses yesterday, too, I hasten to add.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        Congratulations. That’s really excellent that you were able to stand up for yourself like that. I do find that AAM comes in handy in many different circumstances.

        I’ve just been scrolling through the Friday Open Thread. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It’s really frustrating when you want advice about a particular thing and yet you have to sit through unnecessary reassurances about another. It’s like “thanks, but that’s not at all what I need to talk about but please, continue for five minutes while I bang my head against this table.”

        I hope Sunday is a relaxing day for you.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks, Foreign Octopus. I definitely summoned the power of AAM in that conversation.

          As to the other thing, I know I’m taking a very minor thing to heart and shouldn’t let it overshadow all the kind and helpful responses.

    6. Fiennes*

      I’m really struggling to stay regular with my meds while my schedule is so unpredictable and disordered. Please bring my routine back!

    7. anon for this (no name)*

      I’m not doing so good. I met my cousin’s fiancee for the first time over Christmas. She is so put together in all aspects of her life. She has a serious investigative type job with the government and is well connected to judges, lawyers and politicians. She is educated and articulate. She is financially savy (she helped my cousin learn to budget and crawl out of debt, he was notorious for having awful spending habits before they met and now she has changed all that and taught him to budget and have control of his own finances) and she got him to pay off all his debt (she has none). She is the kind of person that everyone goes to if they need help/something fixed. My aunt had flat tire and was up the road from the house we were having Christmas. She went with my dad and uncle and helped them to change the tire. My nephew is a month old and he stop crying whenever she held him. She is pretty and I do admit to being jealous of her looks. She has a pixie cut and on Christmas morning had no makeup on and oversized pajamas and bedhead and she looked like a frickin model. I know it’s petty but I can’t stand her even though she did nothing to me and was nice. My cousin’s dad and my dad are twins and live next door to each other so I see my cousin a lot. I know it’s my own anxiety and other issues which are causing me not to like for no reason. Christmas was rough with her around and I just found out she will be at New Years Eve tomorrow.

      1. NaoNao*

        You know, I totally hear you on those types of people and how they can make us feel.
        If it helps…
        I recently made some lifestyle adjustments for health reasons and started investing in major self care. I got mid-price (so, like 20-30$ instead of 6-7$) skin care and started doing multiple steps a night/day. Huge difference, but what really struck me was this:
        To be that “pulled together” person who looked effortlessly good takes *a ton of time and money* usually.
        And if I’m away from my routine for a few days, it shows.
        Very, very few people just “naturally” have their lives together and look great. It takes dedication and tons of effort.
        But the good news is that it’s possible for us mortals to achieve that too!

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I hear you on feeling like that but try not to let it fester. You know this isn’t really about her but some unresolved feelings within yourself, right?

    8. AnonAndOn*

      I mentioned in the Christmas thread how I started a GoFundMe to raise money for my rent. While I couldn’t share the fundraiser here, so many people came out of the woodwork to help me out and I managed to make enough money to save my apartment. I was humbled by the people who were willing to help me (some were complete strangers) in a time of need.

      Compared to my last mental health check in I feel better. I no longer have that stress of being evicted or moving in with a relative (that I get along with better with distance). I can relax…well I’ll be able to relax more if I could find a freaking job but that’s another topic (one better suited for the work thread!).

      I hear you about dealing with public transportation. Dealing with crowds and people’s noise can be overwhelming. When I’m on a quiet route I’m fine sitting and staring out the window, but when I’m on a loud and crowded one listening to music helps keep me feeling calm. I take the headphones off when I get off the bus or train so I can be alert.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Great news! Nice to hear that your problem was solved AND with the help of kindhearted strangers! Thank you for the update. Enjoy having this worry lifted from you.

      2. Effie, who is wondering*

        Oh wow! That’s awesome AnonAndOn. Wishing you the best :)
        Sometimes wearing sunglasses helps me on public transportation. It worked well in the Southwest, not so well in the Northeast ;)

    9. bassclefchick*

      I haven’t checked into this thread recently, and I really should have.

      My godfather died at the beginning of December. He’d been ill for a long time, so it wasn’t unexpected. Still, I’m struggling with his loss. My dad has been in and out of the hospital for most of December. I was very scared he wouldn’t make it. He’s on the mend and doing better, but I’m still concerned I won’t get another Christmas with him.

      I’m proudest of FINALLY asking for help for a really bad habit I’ve had since childhood. I’m not really sure if I’ll ever truly be able to end the behavior. But I’ve asked for help, the counselor has given me some great coping tools and I’m making a bit of progress. I know a lifetime habit can’t be broken in only a few months, but I’m trying and that’s what count.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m so sorry for your loss and worries. It’s great that you’ve asked for the help you need and started making progress – well done.

    10. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so glad that most people are doing well here! It always makes me happy to see.

      As for me, I think I’m doing okay. Now that my brother has finally sorted out internet in his new flat (2 weeks it took, 2 weeks) and isn’t around mine every. single. day working (I got relegated out of my office and into my bedroom), I feel much happier. I’m no longer caught up in his dark pit of negativity and I’m breathing much easier having my space back to myself.

      I’m a happy little hermit who turns into a Gollum-like creature when my personal space/time is invaded, and I know that it’s partly the cause of some bad mental health days, so it’s such a relief to be able to get back to myself in time for the New Year.

    11. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I researched a therapist and emailed to set up a consultation. This will be the first time in therapy for me, outside of one-off trips to the EAP for one thing or another. This will be the first time I’m seeking long term treatment with a goal in mind for what I want to work on.

      For the past few years, I’ve been getting stuck in negative thought loops that I can’t make myself stop repeating. When it first started, it was only that I would entertain a few “pet” irritations and aggravations during my weekend housecleaning routine, and I could turn it off and on at will. Then it became more of a pattern to automatically think angry, uncharitable thoughts every time I did housework, and now I feel stuck in an almost-constant state of negative, angry, and anxious thought. Every time I vow to just stop it, already, I slip back into those well-worn grooves and before I know it, I’ve wasted another weekend making myself feel awful.

      I’m hoping maybe CBT will help me stop doing this to myself?

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I remember that I started doing it because a little bit of zippy, righteous irritation added some spice and pep to boring, routine housework. I never expected to get stuck in it to the point of being unable to stop even when I want to.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh. Trying to avoid everyone talking about how cuuuuuuuuuuuute one of the crushes and former ex/nowbacktogether are. Puke. Avoid avoid avoid. (Something’s off about that, anyway. I can’t put my finger on it, but it doesn’t seem like it’s just wishful thinking on my part. Well, sometimes you have to go back to realize you can’t go on, soooo….)

      I’m pretty annoyed that nothing is happening here. I could use the distraction. >:(

    13. Gadfly*

      Thanks for the reminder to use my lamp. It got put away in a safe place while cleaning and rearranging and I need to bring it back out.

    14. Elf*

      I’m having a really hard time. I think I have some kind of SAD thing going on, because last year I was really useless all fall but it was noticeably better by mid-January, and the timing on this seems similar. It’s really bad because it mainly manifests as an inability to do anything useful housework or toddler-wise, so it all falls on my husband, which is super-unfair to him, and the house is an awful mess because its more than one person’s worth of work, and it makes him so angry and frustrated which I understand because I’m being useless but also makes it worse because it is too much angry for me to live with.

      It’s worse this year because I’m pregnant and the first trimester has really been taking it out of me, and I don’t honestly know where the line is between genuine physical pregnancy-related incapacity, and other stuff. Pregnancy was a lot easier last time, but I also wasn’t working a full time job, nor did I have a toddler. I think it isn’t objectively bad in terms of symptoms (I’m not throwing up or anything), but I’m just so tired.

      Exercise might help, but there’s really nowhere to put it without borrowing from sleep, and that’s a trade I just can’t make right now. The only time of day I could possibly have the energy is first thing in the morning, but I already have to be up at 5 to get out the door for work, and I can’t manage earlier.

      I would appreciate advice, as long as it doesn’t involve taking medications or spending lots of money.

      1. zyx*

        I know you don’t want to spend lots of money, but is it possible for you to hire someone to do a one-off housecleaning session? It sounds like the mess is a real source of stress for you and your husband. Similarly, is there a neighborhood kid whom you could hire for an hour or two after school as a “mother’s helper” to care for your toddler while you’re still in the house? When I was 12, I did that for a neighbor. I’m not sure what she did while I played with her kid, but you could exercise at home or take a nap. Even once a week might be a help.

      3. TL -*

        Can you count your days in successes rather than failures?
        You’re exhausted and pregnant and winter is hard, so if you pick up clothes from the living room, or load a few dishes in the dishwasher, celebrate! Set the bar for happy success really, really low and then revel in every little thing.
        When I’m sick, that’s what I do. If it’s 20 minutes or 5 minutes of work and then an hour nap, hells yeah! I am super happy with myself for getting something done and rewarding myself with rest so I can do more and feel awesome about that, too.

    15. Red*

      I’m doing fairly well! I started taking vitamin D3 because I know I’m not getting enough; I live in Western new york and don’t like milk, so there goes the usual sources. I also have a psychiatrist appointment coming up next week, which is great because I have some psychosis-related concerns and there are meds for that.

      I did talk about my husband in this thread last weekend, and I do have an update. We had an argument that ended in me telling him that I desperately want to spend my life with the man I met almost 5 years ago, but that’s not the man I’m living with now, and I’m not willing to spend my life with him because he’s a jerk that does nothing but snap at me and demand more than I have to give. He is now totally, 100%, completely motivated to go to therapy and work out his med issues, and I’m actually going with him to his next therapy appointment. I really hope he can be more like the version of himself that I fell in love with, because I miss him terribly.

      1. Red*

        I posted that comment a bit early, whoops! It continues below.

        I also wanted to thank you for posting these threads weekend after weekend. It helps me so much to have a space to tell people about my problems and victories and to read and respond to their posts. This is such a great thing for you to have created, and I appreciate it.

        And, for the final but of the comment, anyone else have a lot of awkwardness going on regarding drinking and holidays? I can’t drink with my meds, and people get all sorts of weird about it!

    16. Tris Prior*

      I’m proud of starting yoga again. I’ve done it more days than not, all this week.

      Otherwise….. things are rough. I think it was a perfect storm of: post-holiday blues (this Xmas was going to be a hard one for Family Reasons and I thought I got through OK but crashed HARD after), the horrible horrible dangerously cold winter weather and resulting cabin fever, seasonal depression, hormonal stuff, insomnia, some old eating-disordered thoughts/behaviors cropping up again when I thought I’d gotten past that 20 years ago, and the cherry on the sundae was discovering in the middle of the night that we have a rodent problem in our apartment. That last one really set me off and I ended up *weeping* in my therapist’s office over it.

      I then very tentatively brought up my eating-disordered thoughts (not literally starving myself, but definitely not eating enough and really obsessively counting calories and feeling fat and disgusting when Rational Brain knows I am a normal weight), and she suggested I try Weight Watchers or see a nutritionist. Which…. maybe I didn’t adequately explain the problem, but I don’t think either of those are going to help with the “I know rationally my weight is fine but I feel disgusting and can’t make myself eat normally” issue, you know?

      I said something like, “um, OK, yeah, I can look into a nutritionist, but I usually find medical stuff really overwhelming and it causes a lot of anxiety, and I still don’t have a primary care doctor” and she said, “OK, we need to work on that too, then, because regular medical checkups and tests are SO important.” And something just broke in my brain because I literally CANNOT “work on” another issue right now. Dealing with my toxic family and the resulting anxiety and PTSD, plus seasonal depression, is literally all I have the mental energy to work on right now. I didn’t say that, though, because the session was ending and honestly I didn’t have the energy to advocate for myself right then. (And because, yes, I KNOW MEDICAL CARE IS IMPORTANT. That doesn’t mean I can flip a switch that suddenly makes me able to do it.)

      1. Schmitt*

        Sometimes I really have to break it down into the tiniest steps, like…. Step 1: Think about finding a PCP. Accept that it’s OK if this takes a month to complete. Step 2. Do some research about doctors available to me. Accept that it’s OK if this takes a month to complete. Step 3. Make an appointment. Accept that it’s OK to ask for help and have my partner call for me.

        When I was dealing with severe depression and pain from a surgery that did not go well, my partner did the research step for me as well – ended up with a therapist that was terrible, but that happens sometimes, and I had improved enough to tell her to go fuck herself at least ;)

    17. Junior Dev*

      I wrote this in the morning. It’s now evening and I feel exhausted. I had a panic attack after spending all day with my friend and not eating enough. I managed to eat fast food for dinner, buy groceries, drive home and take an Ativan. Now I’m hiding in bed, still scared to do anything that is at all stimulating. I need to eat a snack and get ready to sleep. Brain why.

  30. Sophia*

    In an effort to get a little healthier in the new year, we’re contemplating signing up for one of the food delivery services like Hello Fresh or Blue Apron? Does anyone have recommendations, insights, suggestions, etc?

    1. Temperance*

      Booth and I do Hello Fresh, and really enjoy it. Blue Apron is good, too – the food is awesome – but I’m kind of a novice cook when it comes to meat and it was a bit hard for me. (Plus, I have an inability to certain kinds of peppers, so I avoid them all, generally … so that is limiting with BA.)

      Home Chef is more simple than Hello Fresh, but I don’t think the food is as good. We tried Sun Basket and it wasn’t ideal for us, but the food is very healthy and you can pick paleo if you want.

    2. CatCat*

      We do a meal plan service rather than food delivery service. The service is called Cook Smarts. It sends recipes to you every week (with 3-4 options for each meal) and generates a shopping list and steps you can do for prepon the weekend. The service is integrated somehow with Instacart so you *can* have the ingredients delivered, but we don’t because my spouse likes grocery shopping.

      We’ve used it for 3 years and love it. We make 4 servings of each meal so dinner one night also serves as lunch the next day. It definitely cut back on eating takeout for us.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ll be interested in hearing others’ responses too – we did Blue Apron for a while this year but stopped because the meals were getting repetitive and the quality of delivery was going down, e.g. missing ingredients, packaging with holes or not securely sealed. The prep was extensive too. I will say, though, the food was often very good and, by comparison, healthier than our typical diet.

      How does Hello Fresh compare?

      1. Searching*

        We had the same experience with Blue Apron about the declining quality of delivery and the amount of prep time. Plus all the packaging materials bothered us (sure it’s recyclable, but there was so much of it). We stopped the service after about a year.

    4. Bigglesworth*

      I just signed up for Hungry Harvest. I enjoy cooking (it’s a stress relief from Law school right now) and I support the mission. They don’t send you recipes with the food you get, but you can customize your box, get only veggies, only fruits, organic, etc. It is only on the east coast right now, but there’s tons of coupons and they base new locations on the zip codes on their waitlist.

    5. Loopy*

      I do Hello Fresh (vegetarian meals only) and really enjoy it. My only issue is if you wait too long with the meals (say ~4 days after getting it) produce can go/be bad occasionally.

      I find it very easy and like most meals. I am a terrible cook and they make it pretty foolproof. The meals are usually around 55-650 calories and not always crazy healthy if you are trying to avoid things like cheese- but they are fairly healthy compared to eating out! I have also had really really great experience with their customer service. I mean, shockingly positive and helpful. That’s as much of a plus to me as the food part with subscription services. I usually recommend them.

      1. Loopy*

        oof 550 calories. Need to proof my posts. Also I hope I didn’t scare you away with the produce thing. It’s a rare occurrence and usually because I get the meals saturday and sometimes don’t get around to the last one until later in the week- like Thursday. Even then, it’s an only sometimes thing.

    6. Piano Girl*

      We did Hello Fresh for awhile. It was interesting, and I finally tried my hand at risotto, but we finally quit, as we preferred my cooking to what they offered. I think if you are a beginning cook with somewhat adventuresome eaters, it would be a good place to start.

    7. oranges & lemons*

      To be honest, I live in a country that Blue Apron doesn’t deliver to and couldn’t afford it anyway, but I like to use their recipes. They’re all available on their website and there are some good ones. So if you’d like to get a sense of what the recipes are like, you can try it out for free.

    8. Elf*

      I’ve tried a week of several services (I really can’t afford any of them, but I used the half price first weeks). I found the Blue Apron recipes the most polished/interesting, with SunBasket as a fairly close second. Blue Apron has a slight price advantage due to shipping charges on SunBasket, but I thought SunBasket was the clear winner for me because of the Paleo option (I don’t eat paleo, but I try to avoid grains/potatoes so paleo eliminates what I don’t eat) and because it had better sized protein portions. I felt Blue Apron tried to fill out their menus with the starches a little bit. I tried HelloFresh recently and was really not impressed. The recipes were all things I could do myself, but better, and the chili recipe came with this absolutely disgusting pre-shredded orange cheese that looked like what you’d get at Taco Bell. (I am definitely a cheese snob).

      If it was in my budget, I’d love to use one of these (particularly SunBasket, but I wouldn’t say no to Blue Apron if someone offered to give it to me).

    9. MsChanandlerBong*

      I tried Blue Apron for free. I would not pay for it. The portions are incredibly small, especially for the price, and I think it’s wasteful to have everything individually wrapped in paper and plastic. I could get almost a week’s worth of groceries for the price Blue Apron charges for three (small) meals.

  31. Lcsa99*

    My husband and I have been watching a lot of older tv shows for the last few years and are enjoying the reactions we have to some of them.

    TJ Hooker has me a little ashamed of William Shatner. Seriously, police training academies can use most of the episodes, especially in earlier seasons, as examples of what NOT to do. It doesn’t surprise me that Columbo is so much fun. He’s playful but sharp as a tack. I love how much of a badass Cannon is, in spite of his weight. It’s fun watching him get in a fight. While Rockford wouldn’t hesitate to jump right in, Cannon fights smart and will stand there and use the bad guys momentum against him. We are watching an episode of Cannon now and just heard a great line “I get your message, loud and clear. Especially loud.”

    Has anyone else been re-watching stuff like this?

    1. Triplestep*

      I’ve been re-watching Rosanne and I’m really taken by the changes in the show’s characters, writing, and acting from the early years to the later. I know the show was criticized for having gone off the deep end in the last season (and for a terrible finale) and I agree with those assessments. But I can see why it was considered ground-breaking, and I’m excited for the reunion episodes coming out this spring.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Nope.
          Ms. Orange Worshipper has lost me forever. I enjoyed the original show, up until David and Darlene get together, and then I get bored with reruns. But the first couple of seasons are still watchable. My favorite was always the tornado episode and the Halloween ones.

          1. Triplestep*

            Yes, her politics are a strange turn of events, but that won’t stop me from watching the new episodes.

            Sounds like you the seasons you prefer are the ones I like less! I think it got better after David and Darlene got together.

            1. AnotherAlison*

              I will echo your comments. I think I was about the same age as Darlene at the time of the original series & I liked her character arc. I’m curious to see what they do with the new show.

          2. Cristina in England*

            I am with you on preferring the early seasons when Darlene was still into sports. And no to new Becky! (I didn’t like her much on Scrubs either).

              1. Triplestep*

                Sarah Chalke was just SO young when she played Becky. Her body language said “awkward teenager” because that’s what she was. Lots of standing with her hands on her hips (paired with leaning forward when she was acting angry) or folding her arms, or tucking her hair behind her ear too much, or slouching. Not good.

          3. Brittasaurus Rex*

            I thought there was far too much David and Mark in the later seasons. I loved Darlene and didn’t care for her character arc near the end.

    2. Muriel Heslop*

      My six year old thinks the Dick Van Dyke show is the funniest thing he has ever seen. We are watching it together and he can’t get enough of it (I’m thrilled, since it is far superior to Paw Patrol.)

      TJ Hooker is craptastic and basically unwatchable (Adrian Zmed, god bless him) but we still love Rockford. I’d say that they should remake that show, but there’s only one James Garner.

      We always watch Cheers at night while winding down and discussing our day and we still love it.

      1. fposte*

        I will love the Dick Van Dyke Show forever. I am also delighted beyond all measure that Rose Marie became a Twitter goddess at 94 before she died.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I know! I heard and I was like, “Oh no, not yet! She just got on here!!”
          But also glad she shared her famous spaghetti sauce recipe first. I’d love to see the film about her, Wait for Your Laugh. It will be playing in KC but I have no way to get up there (can’t afford it). I’ll have to wait for the DVD.

          1. fposte*

            I know; I really want to see that too.

            I think that exemplifies some of the good Twitter can do. She was able to enjoy the spirit and admiration of a bunch of people who thought she was fantastic and would never have been able to tell her so otherwise.

      2. Book Lover*

        Omg Paw Patrol :(. I could live with never seeing it again. Right now we have thankfully switched to Doc McStuffins but that won’t last.

        And on topic – rewatching Stargate (series) and planning on Babylon 5.

      3. Lcsa99*

        I am sure they will try to remake Rockford at some point (probably with James Garner as Rocky) but honestly I hope not. It can’t be improved so it would be a waste of time. Like remaking Macgyver. I can’t believe it’s lasted.

        We love the Dick Van Dyke Show. He is such a fun actor. Watching him in Diagnosis Murder is fun too. They should have done a Murder She Wrote/Diagnosis Murder crossover.

    3. LazyGirl*

      I’ve been rewatching Will & Grace. It’s interesting to see how things have changed since the 90s. For example, in one early episode they talked about how marriage and family would be impossible for Will :(

      Also, everyone is wearing amazingly high waisted pants.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I really liked Will and Grace but my sense of humor must have really changed cause I just find it cringeworthy now. Same with Friends.

    4. CatCat*

      Every now and then, I go on a “Murder, She Wrote” binge. I just love that show. Jessica is so kindly and terrifying to me.

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        Every year when we take extended family photos at the holidays, we take a “Murder She Wrote” pose of us all fake laughing, like she ends every episode. (And yes, that show is so comforting to watch.)

        1. CatCat*

          Hahaha! That’s awesome! I love how they try so hard to end in an up note. Sure, there’s been a terrible murder and Jessica is the harbinger of death, but [quaint and corny thing] so it’s all good.

          1. Merci Dee*

            I love “Murder, She Wrote”, but I’ve said for years that knowing Jessica Fletcher can be hazardous for your health. You’re sure to either be murdered, or falsely accused of murder until Aunt Jess rides to your rescue. I’m surprised Cabot Cove still had any residents, with the way Jessica and Co. would wade through them. The dumb ones ended up dead, and the smart ones should’ve run for their lives!

        2. Lcsa99*

          That is hilarious.

          My husband and I used to watch Murder She Wrote with my grandmother when we went to visit her. Since she passed a few years ago, we’ve found ourselves watching it weekly. It’s just charming.

    5. Cone*

      I remember losing interest in watching Friends around 1999-2000. I thought maybe I was just being a teenager who thought I was too cool to like something so popular, but now that I’ve watched it years later from season 1 and season 10, I can see that the show did stop being clever sometime after they all went to London. Before London, they were fairly reasonable 20-somethings with typical life problems. After London, they transformed into clowns with exaggerated quirks played for laughs. I found myself not appreciating all the LGBT jokes either. Hard to believe these were still acceptable less than 20 years ago.

      1. WellRed*

        This is interesting
        I like the whole series but I thought the writing and acting seem a bit heavyhanded in the earlier seasons and then improved.

        1. Lissa*

          I think Friends really hit a sweet spot – the first season and a half or so weren’t great and then all the characters became really caricatures of themselves later on, but IMO some of the middle stuff was *really* good.

          I find the LGBT portrayals to be weirdly heartening just to see how far we’ve come in what’s considered acceptable (not that things are perfect now but the fact that so many people cringe at stuff that was considered modern back then is kind of cool.) Also Joey was *horrible* to women. I know Ross gets much of the flak for being such a perfect example of a “Nice Guy” stereotype but some of the early stuff with Joey was really really bad.

      2. DoctorateStrange*

        Funny enough, Living Single seems to be for the most part timeless. I find that interesting as the this was the show that came before Friends and what was apparently what inspired Friends to come to be in the first place. Maxine Shaw was my favorite character, although I was fond of the whole cast. Rewatching Friends, I started realizing I disliked everyone except Monica, who, well, deserved better.

    6. Fiennes*

      I rewatched Columbo last year and LOVED it. He’s one of the few American fictional figures who fits what I think of as a British archetype: the humble, comical, seemingly ridiculous figure who never resorts to violence, but wins through mental brilliance and the willingness to let others underestimate him.

      1. Elf*

        This reminds me of a favorite oldie of mine: MacGuyver. I first got into it because I loved RDA in Stargate, but MacGuyver is just absolutely the best character, because he always saves the day by *knowing all the random stuff*!!!

      2. LCL*

        When Columbo was new, I was a grade school kid. Out of all of the mystery movie series, he was my favorite. My mom and I would always have good natured arguments about the show because she loved mysteries and watched them all, but hated Columbo. She still let me watch it.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I’ve been rewatching MASH and the original Law& Order. MASH was not without its problems (the sexist issues especially) but I think it was pretty groundbreaking for the way it tackled things like racism, being gay in the military, and mental illness, and especially for definitely showing the hellish side of war. It’s interesting to see the way things changed on L&O (when Detective Curtis had a cell phone, for example, whereas before to call the precinct they were all using payphones) and some of the social issues (being gay and high-profile; prosecuting someone who was deliberately infecting women with HIV, etc). It’s interesting to see how much life has changed since the 1990s.

      2. caledonia*

        I love Law & Order. I did a watch of all the early seasons this year. It made me smile to realise that the first episode had Leo McGarry/John Spencer in it. I liked Briscoe the best and never saw the ones in S1-3 without him in it.

        1. Former Employee*

          I loved John Spencer who left us much too soon. I looked it up in Wikipedia -he was only 58 when he passed in 2005. And “The West Wing” was one of the best shows ever. Fun Fact: He got his start on “The Patty Duke Show”. And Patty Duke was another one who was still in her prime when she died.

          Law & Order is always worth watching, especially the ones with Briscoe. Jerry Orbach was an accomplished actor of stage and the big screen before he went to L&O. He was in The Fantasticks! off Broadway and I thought he was wonderful as Baby’s father in “Dirty Dancing”.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I also love Jerry Orbach! Briscoe was so witty, and he was so great with all of the partners (I especially remember his reaction when Detectives Logan punched a councilman, I think, and he got demoted). The other actor I really liked from the later seasons was Dennis Farina. I thought it was so cool that he was a cop in real life before he played one on tv. The Sundance channel is totally enabling my MASH and L&O fix right now.

      3. AcademiaNut*

        I remember as a kid being allowed to stay up late to watch the MASH series finale – I think it still holds records for most-viewers non-live programming.

        I’m not a big fan of sitcoms in general, as I have a low tolerance for cringe comedy. But I liked MASH, and I remember enjoying Night Court (I’d love to be able to rewatch some of that). And Murder She Wrote is the TV murder mystery equivalent of chicken soup.

        1. Cruciatus*

          I have Dish and have a channel called Laff. They re-air Night Court and Empty Nest, Roseanne, Ellen, Grace Under Fire, That ’70s Show, and lots of other stuff. Actually, my friend who doesn’t have cable also picks up Laff with an antenna. We only started getting this channel in the last year or so so it’s possible it may have been added to your channel lineup with whatever provider you have (if any).

    8. Bryce*

      There’s a broadcast station here that plays the old stuff and I like it for background noise. Kojak is incredible, my favorite episode boils down to “you did it, I know you did it, I can’t *prove* you did it, but don’t think this is some chess game. You’re a kid who got lucky and I gotta convince you of that before it all comes back to bite you.” Also a lot of westerns. Big Valley, Bonanza, Rifleman, there’s some good episodes in there and some really overly saccharine ones if not outright tone-deaf.

      What I’ve found most interesting is Get Smart. Comedy doesn’t always age well, so you get great actors with great comedic timing doing a great show that suddenly runs into a joke that doesn’t fly at all these days. Like “and now for a solid 15 minutes of racist Chinese caricatures” not flying.

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve been rewatching Star Trek: Voyager and there was a point in season five where everyone suddenly seemed wildly out of character.

      Janeway was distant and a little cold to her cruel.

      B’Elanna had attitude.

      The decisions that were made seemed unusual.

      I don’t remember it being like this.

    10. Trixie*

      Miami Vice. Love seeing the retro locations which were seen again in Burn Notice. Miami Vice producers also discussed how in the early episodes local retirees were paid as extras. And some neighborhoods really were that run down and abandoned.

        1. Be the Change*

          OMG Burn Notice was my favorite (except for West Wing). Such a great combination of action, drama, and comedy, although the comedy disappeared in Seasons 6 & 7. I wish I could be Fiona.

    11. Windchime*

      I’m a sucker for The Golden Girls. It hasn’t aged well as far as fashion goes (the shoulder pads–my god, the shoulder pads!) and a few other topics, but I generally find it a pretty gentle and kind show. I will sometimes turn it on and let the reruns play when I am having an afternoon nap on the weekends.

      And I almost hate to admit this, but I love Little House on the Prairie. I do.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        The only complaints I have about Golden Girls is that they make fat jokes and there is slut shaming. But it was ahead of its time when it comes to LGBT and race issues, so I still love it.

      2. Mimmy*

        I have such a soft spot for Little House – I watched it incessantly when I was little and even watched syndicated reruns when I was in college. I cried when Michael Landon died. I was fascinated by the storyline where Mary goes blind.

        Do you know if it’s in reruns anywhere? I’d love to watch it again.

        1. Lcsa99*

          I don’t know if you get them but there are two channels we get that occasionally have it. Cozi and MeTv

    12. Stellaaaaa*

      The X-Files and Lost almost 100% hold up, though Lost seemed to have gone through an unusual amount of on-air trial and error. I’ve never seen another show attempt and then drop so many elements.

      Buffy also mostly holds up, though the Whedon dialogue gets exhausting. I was surprised to find out that I found the last two seasons to be the most consistently well-written all around.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Joss Whedon has such a talent for writing. I still love Buffy, and wish they let him go further with Firefly.

    13. Aphrodite*

      Oh yes! The Carol Burnett Show, Rockford Files, LA Law (learned not to go past season 4), Hill Street Blues, The Bob Newhart Show, and more of that era.

      1. Aphrodite*

        Also, Columbo (which I never get tired of) and the Mary Tyler Moore Show (god, the Chuckles the Clown episode is to die for).

        1. Former Employee*

          Carol Burnett’s show was about the only physical comedy I ever liked, other than A Night At The Opera; for example, I can’t stand the 3 Stooges.

          James Garner was terrific in Rockford as well as in Maverick and quite a number of movies, especially The Americanization of Emily, Victor/Victoria (both with Julie Andrews) and Murphy’s Romance.

          LA Law was such a departure from the usual legal dramas and it introduced the wonderful Jimmy Smits to a wide audience.

          Yes, MTM/Chuckles the Clown, dressed as a peanut, was killed when a rogue elephant tried to shuck him. One of the funniest things on TV ever. That and the Went With The Wind episode of Carol Burnett

    14. RL*

      Every couple years I re-watch the old Mission Impossible series. I love how we don’t really know much about them personally, we just know them as super spies.

    15. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I tried to watch MASH, but the constant sexual harassment that was the basis for most of the humor left me more irritated than amused. I had to stop watching after two or three episodes.

  32. Almost Violet Miller*

    This has been a rough year. I see many of you fellow commenters have gone through a lot in 2017. It’s reassuring to know I am not alone in all this and this virtual community has been really supportive – thank you for that!
    A recent break-up (apart from giving me months of heartache) made me realize that I am not really in touch with who I am aspiring to be. So here’s my plan for 2018:
    – starting meditation/mindfulness classes and practicing it in everyday life
    – finding a job that intellectually stimulates and challenges me (I might be going back to school)
    – if changing careers, finding a way to keep up the balance between my interest and not letting academia/work overtake everything
    – a trip to another continent
    – closing a *thing* one way or another after almost a decade of mixed signals (so that I can move on from my break-up and general relationship past)
    Wow, feels good to write these down.
    Here’s to a(n even) happier 2018 to all of you!

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      Good luck for 2018.

      I’m curious though, as this isn’t the first time I’ve heard someone mention mindfulness. What is it? And can you point me in the direction of some reputable websites where I can get more information? It sounds interesting.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I specifically did something called mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR). It’s about stopping your busy brain wandering around quite so much and learning to take time out in the moment. It’s not that you stop having thoughts and feelings exactly, but they’re like boats passing by as you stand on the shore.

        Some people approach mindfulness in quite hokey ways (eg spending ages talking about a raisin) but I did a six-week phone coaching programme through my EAP and it helped loads. Will post some links in a follow up comment.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            This is all really helpful. Thank you so much.

            My impression of mindfulness was that it was a little hokey-pokey, incense burning stuff but then a student of mine started talking about how she’d be practicing it for a couple of years and it got me thinking about it. It seems like something to explore in 2018.

            (And you had me laughing at the idea of talking about a raisin!)

            2. Epiphyta*

              Another MBSR participant here!

              I was referred to the eight-week course by my therapist (severe clinical depression with suicidal ideation, and social anxiety as the gift-with-purchase); the facilitator went through the training programs at UMass Medical, and my experience was about as far as “wooish” as could be imagined.

              Parts of it were not fun – about three weeks in I was furious, which I’ve learned since is perfectly normal if one’s actually putting in the time on the homework – but at the end of eight weeks I felt that I had some tools that would, with practice, help me to get a handle on the thought processes that worsened my depression. For me personally, it was really important to do this while still seeing my therapist; your mileage may vary.

              If you’d like to read more, there is all sorts of information at the website: https://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/mindfulness-based-programs/mbsr-courses/about-mbsr/history-of-mbsr/

              2. Helpful*

                Is it possible to do any MBSR course online from reputable places? I’m seeing Duke University but am not sure if anyone has a recommendation.

      2. Mimmy*

        My therapist describes mindfulness as being aware of your feelings and being okay with it. I know that’s probably an oversimplified description though, so my apologies for that. I was never good at these type of cognitive exercises, but I’ll check out the link Epiphyta posted below – maybe it’ll offer some insight.

      3. Almost Violet Miller*

        Thanks:)
        I am actually gonna do a course with a certified trainer. I will send some updates on a weekend thread when I see how it works out for me.
        Also thanks for the links and the additional info, I will see how that compares to my classes.

  33. Anne*

    Does anyone still make New Year’s resolutions?
    On the one hand, it’s kind of nice to have goals (plus I kind of like making lists), on the other hand…does anyone ever keep them?

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I don’t. In my opinion, if you have to wait for January 1 to change your life, (in a big or small way), you’re either never going to start or never going to keep it. If you want to change something, do it then. If I decide in June I want to lose 20lbs and wait until January to do it, my motivation is long gone. I also think some people have resolutions just to have them because it’s “a thing” and that’s a poor reason to resolve to change something about yourself, too. I’m sure the whole scheme works for some people, but I haven’t met any of them.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with you. I used to make a resolution every single year to lose weight. Never happened. It didn’t happen until I finally decided I’d had enough, started seeing some potential health problems down the road, and was publicly humiliated (although I’m sure no one noticed but me). I had to hit my rock bottom in order to make a change, and no amount of NY resolutions could make me change until I hit that point.

        These days I tend to think about something small I want to change or improve, like getting better at sending birthday cards or cooking more. It really doesn’t go beyond that. If I’m not motivated enough to do something during the year, then it’s really not very important to me and likely won’t happen. I also got tired of setting myself up for disappointment every year.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I agree that you shouldn’t wait six months to get fit or whatever but January 1 seems like a reflective time of year and a natural starting point. I don’t think it should be the only time of year people make new habits but what’s the harm?

      3. Librolover*

        Its not about changing your life, necessarily, Its taking the time to pause and say, ok, What do I want to improve or work on?
        At least thats what it is for me…..

    3. Cone*

      I kind of do, but my list tends to be about things I want to do rather than qualities I want to have, because I’ve accepted at this point of my life I’m set in my ways and will never become a better person. What works for me is I pretend it’s the end of next year and I start writing “Things I Have Accomplished This Year,” and it turns out I usually just have 5-6 major things I want to have accomplished.

      I don’t always get to check off everything at the end of the actual next year because I have multiple interests and get sidetracked a lot, but I’m really more of an “enjoy the journey” kind of person. As long as I get to learn about people and/or the world in the process, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.

    4. CatCat*

      I do with kind of hit or miss success. This year, my resolutions are are:
      – Start journaling. I received a journal with just a small spot for writing each day and it lasts 5 years. It’s called the “line a day journal.” I like that it just requires a very brief records.
      – Walk 365,000 steps. That’s 10k steps per day, but looking at the total for the entire year gives me wiggle room for off days. I’m planning to represent this visually for myself with flowers that I color in.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I really like the idea of a total step count for the year. I may need to try that, as I’m always beating myself up for not making my daily goal.

        Not the same thing, but someone gave me one of those engagement calendar-type books with really cute cats on some of the pages. I’ve never been a user of planners, but I’m thinking I might try and make myself use it this year. She paid 15.00 for it, so I should make an effort (she forgot to cross out the price…).

        I’ve tried journaling and it just seems so time-consuming, but I like that yours is a “line a day.” Sounds much more doable.

    5. fposte*

      I don’t so much do resolutions as life housekeeping updates; I check and update beneficiaries on everything, redo my budget projections, set out 2018 financial plans, update information letters in the event of incapacitation or death, etc. Those are concrete things that need to be done anyway, and they’re kind of enjoyable to do over the New Year’s week.

    6. Fiennes*

      I do. I know all the haughty blah-blah about “why change your life on that day in particular,” but, you know — why *not* on that day in particular? Rituals often help us ground ourselves, and resolutions are pretty harmless as rituals go. I’ve made plenty of resolutions I didn’t keep, but there are several I did, to good effect. So yes, I’m trying again this year! Resolutions: (1) get into a routine at the gym—I’ve already begun going more frequently so this is more about getting a schedule going; (2) cut down on the pasta and rice, increase the vegetable sides; (3) carve out more time for reading day to day instead of saving so much of it for business-trip travel; and (4) no more phubbing with the phone! Forest is a great app for helping with that last one.

    7. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I normally don’t even bother making them, but the last few months have been really rough with settling in to a new place, and I think a couple of resolutions might help me “reboot” a bit.

    8. ThatGirl*

      I make goals for the year. My goals for 2018 are to cut out sugar in January, do a proper workout three times a week plus walking, see my girlfriends once a month, and go to the doctor, dermatologist and on/gyn for checkups.

    9. Loopy*

      I dislike new years resolutions. I’ve never kept mine and I feel like they are doomed to failure. It always seems superficial to me.

      That being said I do like having yearly goals or goals for where you want to be in the next X number of years. Since I’m turning 30 in June I kind of need to step up my “by 30” goals and it just happens to be new years at the 6 month mark. So I do happen to be thinking a lot about goals this year at New Years, which feels hypocritical of me!

    10. Bryce*

      Yom Kippur is my time for that sort of thing, but rather than full-on resolutions I use it as a time to take a hard honest look at myself and my life. Figure out what I’m happy with, what I’m not, that sort of thing. Sometimes I decide to change things right there, but a lot of the time I’ve found it more of an awareness thing, and when a chance comes along later to reinforce something I like or change something I don’t, I can recognize it.

    11. Lissa*

      I don’t normally, but this year I’m doing a bit of a reset just because of how much a shitshow December has been! I made some really positive life changes this year and then December has been a bit of a boozy mess, LOL. I have a gathering Jan 1st daytime so starting Jan 2nd I’m going to get back to doing the things I know make me feel mentally healthier….ie not just constant sugar and barely any exercise. But I give myself a few more days to be a burrito and play video games while eating crap food until then. :)

    12. Elizabeth West*

      My dharma group is doing a 30/30 meditation challenge in January, to sit every day for 30 minutes for the next 30 days. I think it came along just at the right time–I’ve been avoidant lately, which a facilitator said is normal for newbies. So that is one I’ll be doing.

      I’ve kept them before, but they were not great big things. And I don’t worry too much about a little occasional backsliding. Making habits is hard.

    13. AnotherAlison*

      I don’t make resolutions, but I still like the rhythm of starting new things in January.

      Last year, I started kettlebell class in January and returned to boot camp at my gym in February, and I’m still at it! Sorry, I’m going to brag a little here. . .I have been a very inconsistent in the past, due to kids or injuries. I finally made it just a fact of my life to do it. I don’t ever ask myself if I’m going to go or if I feel like it. . .I just go. Not sure how I’m going to carry this over with my travel schedule for 2018, but I know my body can’t take letting it go back to rot again. My mother also had a broken pelvis in 2017, which has given me some extra motivation to stay in shape and be strong.

      Good luck to those starting new things. Starting is important, but keeping at it is even better!

    14. Windchime*

      I stopped making them a few years ago because it seemed like I was always setting myself up for failure. But lately I’ve been thinking about the next steps of my life (I will probably retire within the next 6-8 years). I’m going on an expensive vacation in a few weeks, and it occurred to me out of the blue the other day that, instead of planning a spendy vacation every year or two, how about if I instead made a life that I don’t need a vacation from?

      I don’t exactly know what that means right now, but I’m thinking on it and I will most likely be making some changes in the upcoming year.

    15. New Bee*

      Some years I pick a new skill to learn (in past years: nail art, knitting, and cooking) and other years a regular resolution (this year I want to drink less soda). I like starting in January–since I work in education I have the first half of the break to indulge/decompress and the second half to find ways to stick to my resolution.

    16. Rookie Manager*

      I like to have a positive resolution rather then a negative one, start something rather than stop. Ie play piano daily, swim 3x week, see live music once per week, eat at least 3 fruit and veg per day, go to bed by midnight 5x week…

      It’s like starting a new notebook, good time to reset your expectations of yourself.

    17. oranges & lemons*

      I like to make resolutions, but I usually try to make them manageable and pleasant (one year I resolved to work less overtime; this year I’m resolving to make more time for writing). I find January/February a good time to try to shake up my routine, since it’s usually a quieter time of year.

    18. Merci Dee*

      One of my sisters said today, “I’ve decided to postpone my new year’s resolutions for another year so that I can still be an asshole for 2018.” My sister is many things, but asshole typically isn’t one of them, so we were all just rolling laughing when she said this.

    19. Sylvan*

      I do! I have kept my 2016 and 17 resolutions. Something about it works for me. I like having concrete steps to take and a timeline, and coming up with a good resolution can give you both.

    20. TL -*

      I’m starting a planner/scrapbook to record and share my adventures with my family. I have a planner I use for normal life organization but I feel like I should be recording/sharing more of my overseas adventures than I actually do.

      I only make them when there’s something I really am motivated to change, but I do tend to stick to them when I make them. I use Lent the same way – it’s a very goal-focused way to approach a change and I appreciate the structure.

    21. JamieS*

      I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions but I advocate monthly resolutions which is when you resolve to do something, or not do something, for a month. I like to take my overarching goals (for me it’s exercise more and eat better) and break them into specific actions I can take for a month. I use a month because that’s about how long it takes a new habit to really solidify for me but YMMV.

      I had previously been focusing on my, now mostly attained goal, of spending less and saving more so in January I’m going to switch gears and focus on my eating better goals by resolving to not eat out, exempting 1 daily latte, and cook everything I eat at home. In February I’ll have another goal related to eating better, in March and April my goals will focus on exercise, May-June back to focusing on eating better, and so on.

    1. SeekingBetter*

      I practice tai chi at tai chi classes weekly and the place I go to does their version of chi gong once a week. Chi gong is great for cultivating “chi” and controlling one’s breathe is emphasized. I love practicing it and look forward to it all the time!

    2. LK03*

      I also took a tai chi class years ago that started with qigong exercises, and I discovered that I liked the qigong even better than the tai chi! I’m no expert, and it’s been a long time, but from what I remember the qigong exercises involved stretching, relaxation, breathing, and some standing meditation. I still try doing some of it on my own but I often think that if I had more free time I should try to find a class and learn more.

  35. Rogue*

    Ack! Got so annoyed last night. Went over to my boyfriend’s co-worker’s house for a small get together. Co-worker’s wife would not leave me alone about not drinking; pushing and pushing. I kept responding with some variation of “I’m good, thanks.” And around 3 hours into things, she responds to that with some crap about “no you’re not, I know you!” (mind you, she like really, really doesn’t. We’ve spoke maybe a handful of times.) I snapped then and told her in no uncertain terms that, no, she doesn’t know me and I when I said I’m good, I am. I don’t want a drink, if I did, I’d have one and she needed to drop the subject. Oh boy did she get upset. Proceeded to ask me why I was being so violent!! Seriously, was standing in the same spot, hands in my pockets, and she needed to drop the subject and stop trying to push me to drink. After that, she got mad and walked off, refusing to talk to me for the rest of the evening. The girl was hammered, she was stumbling. I get it, some people like to drink and I will on occasion, but I don’t feel there’s any need to justify my decisions to anyone and for a 30 something adult to do what she did, it really shows the kind of person she is. I think I’ll pass next time completely.

    2. Triplestep*

      “Violent”? Sounds like she was having a drunken vocabulary lapse! She probably meant “hostile” but she would still have been wrong. I’m with you – the whole thing sounds pretty high school. I would probably pass completely next time, too, except if it would impact boyfriend negatively at work. I’ll bet it won’t happen again, though – she may be somewhat embarrassed.

    3. fposte*

      I knew somebody in grad school who was really uncomfortable with people who didn’t want to drink; she seemed to feel it was a statement about her drinking and she therefore would change her behavior as a result. I wonder if your acquaintance had a similar thing going on.

      2. Bryce*

        Back in college I avoided the pushers by carrying around a glass of soda. Not as easy to do when they’re the hostess though.

      3. nep*

        Yes — I’ve seen that and I think it’s fairly common. Someone could have some deep-seated unease about how much she/he is drinking — knowing they can’t imagine going without — and it does not sit well at all when others are abstaining.

    4. Loopy*

      WOW. I don’t drink ever and I never have issues like that. Heck, I’ve never even been pushed to explain myself. I am so sorry you experienced that. I would have been really upset, myself. I definitely wouldn’t go back there if it meant this might repeat!

      1. Rogue*

        Yeah, this normally doesn’t happen. Most people go “okay” and leave it at that. This woman, was also the kind of person who decided it was okay to tell me I have to have children (boyfriend and I don’t want them), and that I should lie on my resume to get ahead in life and use people I’ve never worked with and don’t know well as references because “no one checks.” In the industry we are in, that is probably somewhat true, but I’m not going to do that. I was mostly just highly annoyed by the time I told her to knock it off. I’m normally a very quiet and polite person and will let a lot slide, but this woman decided to push all kinds of buttons in a short amount of time.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          My boyfriend has a friend like this. The type who will insist you do whatever he thinks you should do, even if you tell him you’ve got it covered. I cannot stand to be around him or his wife (who is similar) because every time I’m around him, I want to shake him and remind him that I’m a different person with different experiences and I’m old enough to know my own damn mind. So you have my sympathies.

        2. Loopy*

          I hate to be judgmental, but I fear I may be here: I wouldn’t want to spend my limited time with a person like this if I had ways of avoiding it!

  36. JaneB*

    Did anyone else glance at the photo and see Eve as being in a little boat on some water?? Maybe I need an eye test…

  37. BumbleDrama*

    Quick, anonymous confessional time: So after Christmas I matched on bumble with an old high school classmate, J, without realizing it– I figured it out before I messaged with him, he knew exactly who I was. Long story short we’ve been texting for a couple days and even though he doesn’t live locally anymore… I’m already contemplating making a visit to where he lives now just to see if there’s a real connection here, because the conversations have been going that well!

    Well… we have one real mutual friend in common from high school, B. I wasn’t close with either of them in high school– never had a class with J, I only got to know B recently. I guess J reached out and asked if she thought we’d be good together and now B is giving us both the cold shoulder. I’m not SUPER close with B… but I wanted to understand what was happening here and I found out from two of my close HS friends that B apparently briefly dated J in high school and at one point they had a “marriage pact” that they’d marry each other if they were still single at 40.

    I’d feel worse if it hadn’t been over 10 years since this happened between them. Not to mention, J seems VERY interested in a serious relationship and was already very clear about that with me– which I’m fine with! B has also been in ~3 serious relationships since high school, serious to the point of almost being engaged AND she’s currently in a serious relationship as well. My still-close HS friends both knew J– and they both think that J is great and that we’d get along well as far as they knew– of course, he’s been away for nearly ten years in this other city so no one can say for sure.

    I hate to say this, but since B and I aren’t very close (we really only see each other 1-2x a month at most on lunch breaks)… I wouldn’t mind losing her as a friend over this because it seems kind of extreme that she’d get that upset over this.

    Not sure I’m looking for advice with this, maybe just someone to sympathize with. I didn’t grow up in the small town I went to high school in– moved in middle school right before I started high school– so I was always out of the drama. And I really, truly do not enjoy it. So I feel terrible that B might be upset, but man… this time around I’m just not sure I want to let go of this guy just to preserve some kind of lingering high school fantasy she might have… especially since it sounds like both J and I have been single for the better part of these 10 years! Seems like there was ample opportunity for B to reach out if she wanted to.

    (This was written hastily before I run out to lunch with my parents– I’ll be back in a couple hours!)

    1. Temperance*

      Oh please. B sounds … pretty ridiculous and petty. I had a marriage pact in high school, too. (Spoiler alert: we are not married to each other, and he’s marrying another dude next year. We’re both happier not having help up the super romantic promise we made to each other at 16!)

      I don’t see this woman as an asset to your life.

    2. fposte*

      I really wouldn’t feel terrible about upsetting B. Both her hopes and her reactions to the situation are unreasonable, and while she may have her own pain going on that it all relates to, that’s no reason for you to bend over backwards to make sure she doesn’t have to feel it.

    3. Muriel Heslop*

      I teach middle school and this is the kind of thing my eighth grade girls would do because they aren’t mature enough for authentic romantic relationships. B can’t lick all the cookies on the plate – good luck with J! It sounds like it has potential.

      1. Jen in Oregon*

        Marriage Pacts are dumb things people commit to when they are drunk and/or lonely–the only conversations that should be taken *less* seriously are “We should open a restaurant/bar” and “We should start a band.” Don’t give B another thought–“B can’t lick all the cookies on the plate”–I loved that!

        I should probably stop right there, but I can’t help but add………when I was 26, I got a wild hair to look up an old friend when I went home for Christmas. This guy and I had a bit of a flirtation going over the years, but we were never in a situation where we could ever really pursue it (living in different states during our late teens, early 20’s.) Long story short: we worked it out. We dated long distance for about a year then got married and moved to the west coast together. Our 21st anniversary was yesterday. Even if that isn’t how it works out for you guys, why not give it a shot? Best wishes that things unfold as they should.

        1. BumbleDrama*

          Thank you! The timing is weirdly perfect– he does live in another state now and loves his job. It just happens that my job has been getting less and less challenging/interesting for me so I’ve been considering a job move… to wherever a great job might be. Who knows! I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself but I am very much feeling the “let’s give it a shot” vibes.

      2. BumbleDrama*

        Haha! The licking all the cookies on the plate thing pretty much perfectly articulates my frustration with the entire situation. Thank you for giving me a laugh this evening.

    4. Mrs. Kate*

      I had a put marriage pact too. It was with a friend I was never romantically interested in in the slightest, but when we were wallowing about one day ending up alone with a million cats, we agreed that we could probably live with each other and hell, we both really dislike cats. We said if we were serially unattached by 35 we’d give it a go.

      I got married at 26 and he’s happily dated for many years but let me tell you, I wouldn’t have taken him up in the pact. Still no interest :-).

    5. New Bee*

      Realistically, it sounds like we’re about the same age, so 40 is over a decade away? So she has 10 years to come up with a devious plot to win his heart. (Yes I am spending my Saturday binging romcoms, why do you ask?)

      In all seriousness, good luck! I met my husband on a blog when we lived on opposite coasts–8 years together yesterday. We’re rooting for you!

    6. Anon anon anon*

      So, do you know why B is giving you the cold shoulder? Has she said anything to you? Because, although it could be for the reasons suggested, she might also just feel awkward or not want to get involved or have other stuff going on in her life. Or it could be the opposite. She could have complex emotions about J that are mature and normal for someone to have. But you’ll never know for sure, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

      1. BumbleDrama*

        To be fair to B I don’t know exactly– I’ve tried texting her three times over the last few days (about things totally unrelated to J) and haven’t gotten a response so I’ve decided to just let her talk to me when/if she’s ready. Hopefully it is the case that she’s just busy!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      If B wants J in her life then she should clear a path to make that happen OR let go.
      If you think about a marriage pact, it’s basically saying “I will take you if nothing else better comes along.” Really? It’s not a great foundation for a marriage.

      OTH, J could say, “Gee, time out. I need to get my head squared away about B and then we can talk.” He’s not doing this either.

      It’s not up to you to figure this out for them. It seems to me by their lack of action they have already arrived at an answer.

  38. The gold digger*

    Our cat was throwing up about once a week (and her belly hair was falling out). We had to change to a meat/fish only food – no grains. It worked.

  39. Ramona Flowers*

    Cat people! I have a question. Why does my cat only bring ‘presents’ to me, his female owner, and never my husband?

    It’s definitely not a coincidence. If he brings in a ‘gift’ it’s only when he’s already been in and seen I’m home – and I have a completely unpredictable schedule. There’s no way he could do this by coincidence for, like, five years. And he always brings them to my side of the bed!

    He’s very well bonded with both of us. We both feed him. But only I get the ‘presents’. Is this common? I’ve searched online and can’t find anything about cats bringing gifts to only one person.

    Yesterday he brought me a mouse trap from somewhere with a mouse in it. Uh, thanks?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      He brought the whole trap to you? That’s so funny! Probably not at the time, I’m sure.

      I have no idea why he would bring you gifts and not your husband; however, I know that some cats have a preferred gender. The rescue I volunteer with has a cat at the main foster home who LOVES men. She was all over my husband–she had only just met him that day–rubbing against him, presenting her butt to be scratched, looking at him lovingly, purring loudly. It’s was quite comical. Me? She just looked at me like I was infringing on her territory and then ignored me. I spoke to the woman who runs the rescue (she’s the main foster home, also), and she confirmed that Twinkle loves men and doesn’t care for women at all. She said she’s had several others like that, as well. Some cats respond to women with deeper voices, others like men only, and some are afraid of men and like women only.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        It’s actually the second time he’s brought us a trap! The first time it was empty and we found the whole thing kind of hilarious and meta. Less so this time when it came with a mouse in it, but still amusing.

        My cat likes men and women. And he’s seemingly obsessed with my husband and always prefers to cuddle with him though he is also close with me.

        1. CatCat*

          Our cat is bonded to both of us, but it’s pretty clear that my husband is his best bro. He will usually choose my husband to to cuddle with first (or as we call it, “a bro down sesh”) and he often tries to groom my husband but not me.

          He’s still very sweet and affectionate with me. I’m just not his best bro.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Have you seen any of funny memes that boil down to cats think we’re really dumb kittens? Yeah, they’re not just funny, there’s truth in there too. Your cat is trying to teach you how to hunt. For whatever reason, he doesn’t think he needs to teach your husband to hunt. Appreciate the love, good luck with the results.

      And don’t bother with mouse traps yourself, clearly you’ve got a mouser to take care of it :)

      1. Moonmodule1998*

        Ha, I was about to mention the same. One popular theory is that cats think we’re poor morons who can’t even catch food, so they need to bring it to us. Or they’re gifts. Or they’re trying to teach us to hunt. Or they’re trying to contribute to the family hoard. Or they’re like, “Look, mom! Look what I caught for us! PRAISE ME!” There’s a lot of different popular theories out there, actually, around why they do this. I tend to assume any random thing I read on the internet about animal psychology is BS but it is fun to think about.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          But why not my husband?

          Maybe it’s because he brings home more of the groceries and all of the cat food…

          1. Cruciatus*

            It’s possible the cat thinks your husband is hopeless and you’re the only one who can learn to be a good mouser! Maybe she’s trained you the best.

          2. Foreign Octopus*

            If he’s the one who normally feeds the cat, then that might be it.

            Or, you cat might just love you more :)

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              We both feed him! And I thought he loved my husband a bit more.

              Maybe he’s just a bit of a weirdo. Little furry weirdo that he is.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I think that animals express their love in different ways to different people. My husband always said the dog loved me best. No, it was just different that is all. My husband did not see the dog sitting by the window waiting for him to come home every night. In the end, the dog guarded my husband daily, constantly watched my sick husband and made clumsy/adorable attempts to help here and there. I think animals respond to differences they see in us.

  40. PlantLady*

    Does anyone have advice for applying for VA benefits? (Warning, venting ahead, though I tried to edit that stuff down.)

    My dad is a veteran (enlisted during Korea and did his 4 years), in his 80s, and in what I would call late-early to early-middle stage Alzheimer’s, as well as having an assortment of other health issues. He’s still at home, being taken care of by my mom (who has her own set of health issues), and they are getting by on Social Security and a tiny pension. There is basically NO extra money after the basics are paid for each month, so I’m hoping that there is something they can get from the VA to help out. Also, if cuts to Medicare and Social Security come along, they are going to be in serious trouble. I am living 2000+ miles away from them, and so trying to help as much as I can via phone and email.

    So far, I have talked with (and subsequently “fired”, for reasons I won’t get into) someone who billed himself as a “VA Liaison” and then later with a very nice man at the local office of the Department of Veteran’s Affairs for the state they live in. Between the two, I got a copy of the Aid and Attendance form for Dad’s doctor to fill out, but then it turned out that his physical exam, the completion of the form and the receipt of the form by the VA all had to happen within a 30-day period, and we went over the 30 days. And then my mom didn’t want to schedule a new doctor’s appointment, she just decided to wait 6 months until his next regular one. (Don’t ask.) By then, the VA had issued a NEW version of the form, so while we did get it done within the 30 day window, it still didn’t count because it was the wrong version of the form. So he’s just had yet another physical, but between the holidays and some other things going on, we’re not going to make it within the 30 day window, again. I can’t afford to fly out there often, but the way this is going, I think I’m going to have to scrape up the money to be there for his next appointment so I can hit the VA office in person, as well as handing the forms to the doctor in person, and then picking up the forms from the office and hand-delivering them back to the VA.

    Also, from what I got from the state VA office, it sounds like even if the forms get filled out and Dad gets approved for aid, the VA will only reimburse my parents for money they spend for in-home care, etc. Does anyone know if this is true? And if so, WTF??? If they could afford to pay for care out of pocket, I wouldn’t be screwing with the VA in the first place!!!!!

    Mainly, I want to get him set up with the VA so that when the time comes that my mom can’t take care of him at home any longer, he is somewhere on the waiting list for the Alzheimer’s wing of the state VA home. I hate, hate, HATE that it is going to come to that, but I honestly believe that it’s going to be the best of a short list of shitty options. That VA home actually gets good reviews for care, so I’m hoping he can land there and not in one of the other, less-well-reviewed places in the area.

    Okay, I’ve now depressed the hell out of myself. Now that I’ve given a broad sketch of the situation, any advice would be appreciated.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      The government sucks sometimes. So does dementia, but that’s all the time. You’re ahead of me, I’ll get there though.

      See if you can find support group/agency/something local to them with people who’ve gone through this. At a minimum, your mom will have some resources if she needs to vent to someone who understands (and isn’t you). You might also look in your area too for the VA stuff. My family won’t have any involvement with the VA so I don’t have any thing specific there, but there’s got to be a veterans group or SOMETHING that can provide some guidance.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m going to watch this thread, as we’re trying to get my FIL to apply for VA benefits. He very clearly would qualify and needs them due to financial strains, but for some reason just won’t do it. I think it’s part laziness, and part thinking he won’t get them. He applied 10 years ago when he was making much more money and was denied, and seems to be stuck on that. He’s now in a spot where he’s no longer working, living off social security, two of his three pensions are done with, and can hardly make ends meet. MIL is retired, also. But he won’t apply because they told him 10 years ago he was making too much money. Circumstances have changed a lot, but he still talks about how he was denied.

      1. Enough*

        This I never understood. The whole because one time something happened I will never check again. My FIL spent his last years bedridden because he would not get knee replacements because one friend many years before FIL needed it had a bad outcome. Let’s just forget about the 4 who were just fine and all the improvements that had occurred since then.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yup, this is my FIL 100%. Because it happened once to one person, he won’t do it/buy it/try it, etc. He’s clearly in a spot where VA benefits would help him out, but he won’t bother applying because he got turned down 10 years ago when he was in a very different financial position. It’s also laziness, as he does this with other life things.

    3. Enough*

      I wouldn’t worry too much about potential cuts in Medicare or SS for your parents. If there are any cuts it is very very very unlikely to affect anyone who currently receiving benefits.

    4. Tabby Baltimore*

      I don’t know if you’ve already tried this route, so apologies in advance if you have. If I were in your shoes, I’d start contacting my local-area Veterans of Foreign Wars post, or an American Legion post (by phone or online). These organizations frequently have someone on staff (usually a volunteer) who’s familiar with the local VA scene, and can advise you fairly decently. I would expect that either post rep could very easily put you in contact with their counterpart representatives in your parents’ area, so you could get more location-specific information and advice, and referrals. Best of luck to you.

      1. PlantLady*

        @Tabby Baltimore, that’s a great idea, thank you. It hadn’t occurred to me to explore that avenue.

      2. the gold digger*

        Also, when our congressman does his town halls, he saves the last 30 minutes of each session for constituent services, helping people with things like this. It couldn’t hurt to write or call your congressperson to ask for help. That is one of the things they do.

        1. dawbs*

          YES-and don’t be afraid to do the local ones too.
          I used to work for the state-level-congress folks, and there was a ginormous constituent database. That meant that even if an individual state-level-rep/senator/whomever was an idiot, there was still info.

          Not info the public could get to, but, if someone picked up the phone and dialed “District 7, John Donne’s office”, they’d get Ms. Smith, his aide. And Ms. Smith (these aides tended to be competent–or at least, there tended to be at least one competent one in each office) had access to this huge database and so she could look up, essentially “things reps have done to work with the VA to mke constituents happy” and send some knowledge your way.

          THe worst that could happen is you get the incompetent aide and you’re not any worse than where you started.

      3. KR*

        Those organizations, and there also may be other veteran support groups like Rolling Thunder, Enforcers, ect to help. They may be willing to drive back and forth to appointments or talk to your parents veteran to veteran about pushing the VA for benefits. They’re bikers usually but they have good hearts and want to help. Many are retired and have a lot of time to give. Good job pushing your parents about this. Your dad gave his service and I bet they paid him peanuts and the military won’t give him the benefits he deserves unless he pushes them.

    5. periwinkle*

      Reach out to the Caregiver Support Coordinator at the local VA hospital or call the Caregiver Support Line.

      https://www.caregiver.va.gov/
      Caregiver Support Line: 1-855-260-3274

      The CSC is a social worker or RN who is there to support Veterans and their families by ensuring they have access to whatever caregiving resources are available. They’ll help with sorting through the paperwork and can connect you to non-VA resources as well (Veteran orgs, government agencies, community resources, online support forums, etc.).

      A few years after the CSC program was started, the VA realized that the role had grown organically and needed to be standardized so Veterans and their families would receive a consistent level of service regardless of location. My first job after grad school was a contract to write the first handbook for CSCs!

    6. periwinkle*

      My comment might be stuck in moderation for a while because of the link, so search Google for “VA caregiver support” for a lot of good information about the Caregiver Support program and the help they can offer. Good luck!

    7. ValaMalDoran*

      My mom had to deal with paperwork for my grandfather/the VA a few years ago. My parents are in Pennsylvania, and my grandfather was in Tennessee. This was for getting his benefits when he had to go into assisted living.

      My mom said the VA was not much help at all. She found a place in PA, the Office of Veteran’s Assistance, through/at her local courthouse. They were really good, and helped her even though my grandfather was located in Tennessee. They only seemed to care about helping a veteran, regardless of location.

      Maybe your state, or your parents’, has somewhere like this that can help you. Try local courthouses in both your locations, they may know of resources to help.

      Good luck!

    8. Rookie Manager*

      I manage a service for veterans in the UK. We have hundreds of charities/benevolent funds for veterans and most would either help people apply for equivalent help here or put you in touch with local people who do. Are there any local veterans charities/organisations? I guarantee you will be neither the first nor last to have these issues.

    9. Brunch with Sylvia*

      I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time plus trying to manage VA bureaucracy from far away. Have you considered enrolling your Dad in VA for primary care? The VA doc/NP can fill out the physical exam form and the proper Aid and Attendance form right at that visit. In my state, every clinic also has a social worker who can give you the scoop on the wait list and requirements for the Veterans Home and other benefits your dad is eligible for that can be helpful like home health aid hours that could give your mom some respite. You can reassure your parents that your dad does not have to give up his non-VA family doc by enrolling with a VA PCP.
      I am so thankful for your dad’s service in Korea!

    10. LCL*

      I did a google search and was impressed by a website called the Military Wallet.com. It had a lot of links and suggestions.

    11. PlantLady*

      Thank you, everyone for the suggestions! There are some other things at play in the situation (family politics, my mom’s denial about my dad’s condition, etc.) that I didn’t get into and that have messed up some things that I’ve already tried, but I appreciate all the kind thoughts. I just have to keep telling myself, “Baby steps.”

    12. ..Kat..*

      Can the doctor just fill out the new form without another doctor’s visit? Or maybe just a phone consult with your dad?

  41. Triplestep*

    Does anyone use a tablet with a stylus for hand note-taking to keep in electronic form? I am considering switching to this from a paper planning method just to be better organized, but I don’t want to spend a lot, and I want something really portable. I use Onenote on my phone, but really just for my gym routine and shopping list, and I want to expand it to use in other areas of my life

    I started carrying a notebook after reading about the Bullet Journal method; I don’t follow it religiously, but I have started carrying the notebook everywhere and writing everything down. Now I just need a way to organize it all – the strict Bullet Journal method will do that for some, but not me.

    If you carry a tablet and stylus, please share what kind. I hear good things about the Galaxy Tab with S Pen. I do not want an iPad, as I am PC and Android in all my other devices.

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks, I considered a phone, but I do a lot of sketching for work so I need a larger “canvas” than a phone would give me.

        1. Alice*

          Well – I don’t know if the LG styluses are all the same, but I found the one on the phone easy to use and responsive. I didn’t use it to draw, though, so you might have more discerning taste so to speak.

        2. TL -*

          If you sketch, the Windows Surface is good – I have the laptop version and honestly love it but my friend sketches on the tablet version and finds it suits her needs. I didn’t like note taking on it but I really prefer paper/pencil.

  42. Alice*

    I went to my first rock concert last night… And I hated it. So loud, no chance of conversation, drunk people being really rude to each other and the staff. I’d much rather have some frienda over and listen to an album. Am I terminally boring?

    1. nep*

      If you are, then I am too.
      I went to lots of rock and other kinds of concerts decades ago and enjoyed them, but can’t fathom going now — for all the reasons you mention. Just about the opposite of my idea of a good time.

    2. Lucia*

      No, you just didn’t enjoy a concert. That’s not a big deal, they’re not for everyone. That said, you didn’t enjoy this concert but you might enjoy others – a lot depends on the act and the crowd. I’m not someone who enjoys that type of environment normally, but when it’s an act I love and I go with friends, I have a great time. I don’t tend to encounter the very drunk rude people though.

      But if it’s just not your thing, it’s really not a big deal. ;)

      1. Nicole*

        I agree. Normally I prefer to avoid loud crowded places such as concerts, but if it’s for my favorite band I always go and I always have a great time.

    3. Red Reader*

      I don’t like live concerts at all for exactly that reason. I don’t pay for tickets to hear other people caterwauling over the main act, and I can usually get a better listening experience at home on the albums I already have.

    4. Bryce*

      I’ve had some concerts (none rock) where I really appreciated seeing them live and the energy was something greater than just the music, but a lot of the time it’s not for me either.

    5. Lissa*

      Yeah, they’re not my thing either. I like the type of concert where you sit in seats and listen, LOL. But I’m OK with being boring! I know that some music fans get really almost rabid about concerts so I can see why you might feel odd you didn’t have a good time, but I’d look at it as having good and useful information! I still have people try to get me to go and I just usually say “I hate music and fun” and they laugh.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Nah. I’ve been to an arena concert or two (Rod Stewart indoors; The Grateful Dead outdoors) and also concerts at smaller, more intimate venues (Men at Work, Weird Al, various smaller bands you’ve never heard of), and I much prefer the latter. Even if it’s loud, it’s not so crowded, you can get closer to the stage and actually see the performers, and there’s less chance of gross people being gross.

    7. NaoNao*

      I’ve been to like, 3 concerts in my life. I have no earthly idea what is fun about them. There. I said it.
      The noise, the crowds, the having to stand most of the time, the chaos and confusion, the volume of the music…plus the more subtle lack of control over the playlist.
      But I’ve never been the “fan” type-never had a celebrity crush! And wind up saying things like “Gosh, that blue eyed guy in Night Manager is kind of dreamy” (Tom Hiddelston, Hunk of the Moment!!) so meeting/seeing my musical “gods” in person doesn’t hold much appeal.
      The only band I would make an exception for is the first rock band I ever heard or can recall hearing, and loving: Def Leppard. Yes, I had a sheltered childhood!

    8. Elf*

      I love concerts of the folk music coffeehouse variety, but I got dragged to a rock concert recently and hated it. (If you are mikeing a trumpet in a relatively small theater then you are doing it wrong, and also, why are you flashing bright lights in my eyes?) Don’t give up on concerts, some are awesome, but go to the right ones. I will plug the Walkabout Clearwater Coffeehouse for anyone in the NYC metro area, its in Westchester (yay for the legacy of Pete Seeger!) Not liking a loud rock concert definitely doesn’t make you boring.

    9. LizB*

      I pretty much only like concerts if it’s a group I know really well so I can sing/dance along to all the songs, it’s not too loud (or I at least remember to wear my earplugs), and I’m wearing clothes I don’t care about so when someone spills a beer on me I won’t mind.

  43. Hair Cut Question*

    I’m curious to know what y’all pay to have your hair done. I’ve noticed that it varies widely from person to person. Just so we can compare, tell us what you have done, your gender (because that affects the price) and the price before the tip. You can tell us what you tip if you want to – I just want to be sure we are all comparing the same thing.

    I used to go to someone who charged $45 for a haircut/blowdry. She left town, so I’m trying to find a new person I like. The ones I have tried range from $65-$85 for a haircut/blowdry. I’m a woman with hair that is difficult to cut.

    1. cheluzal*

      $85 just to cut and dry!??! Holy.Crap.
      I pay $95 for wash, cut, highlights, and dry, and style!

      I’m female in central Florida.

      2. Kuododi*

        Oh goodness… I’m female, SE USA… I paid $85 before tip for wash, full color, cut, and brow wax. I had long curly high maintenance hair and about two years ago I had her cut it off in something like a modified pixie. She recommended the style and I have been thrilled with it ever since. The lady who does my hair is an old family friend whose worked in the business for ages. She’s wonderful with what I need and delightful to work with. I shudder to think about what it will be like when she retires. :(

    3. Simone R*

      $60, female, major East Coast city, for simple haircut/blowdry. I could find it for less probably but I like the woman and just only get my hair cut a few times a year.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I despise the fact that haircuts are so expensive. I long for the days when it was 20.00 for a wash and cut. Although I could go to Super Cuts or something like that and pay that little, I guess.

      Anyway, I’m a female in CT with naturally curly hair. My old stylist charged me 55.00 for wash and cut. The person who took over when she left charged me 65.00 (that’s crazy to me!). Someone I’m seeing now charges about 45.00, but she’s a long drive (friend of a friend). I’m at the point where I just go to Super Cuts and pay 20.00 and take my chances. It seems to be hit or miss, because I never get the same person. I know I can make an appointment, but by the time I’m ready to go, my hair is usually out of control, I’m ready to shave it off, and I forget that I can make an appointment.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      I pay £28 plus tip for a cut from someone I trust – with a cappuccino thrown in.

      She’s better than any more pricey salon I’ve tried!

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        This sounds about right for what I was paying in the UK. Although I didn’t get a cappucino!

        When I moved to Spain and got my haircut for the first time, I had to ask them to write the number down because I thought I’d misheard them. For a cut, style, and blowdry, I paid €13.

        I was shocked, and appalled, and pleasantly delighted.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I know! It was absolutely incredible, and I thought maybe I’d just gone to a cheap place but literally every normal hairdresser in my part of Spain is that price. It’s ridiculous. I honestly don’t know how they stay afloat.

    7. CatCat*

      I pay $120 before tip every 10 weeks for wash, color, cut, and style. My hair lady does an amazing job. I went for 2 years without a haircut when I was aggressively paying off a loan. After I paid off the loan and got a raise, getting my hair done nicely was how I decided to treat myself. I’m a pretty frugal person overall, but this is my luxury.

      3. Middle School Teacher*

        That’s about what I pay in Canada for the same thing. It’s a bit cheaper if she only touches up my roots and more with foils, obviously. And considering I have a ton of hair, I think it’s fair.

        I had a conversation with my stylist about it, because she’d gone to a conference about the service side of the salon business. Since basically everything is on YouTube, and I live close to a drugstore, I could probably do into myself with a couple of boxes of $15 dye. But I go because she does an amazing job, I get coffee, all the trashy magazines I want, she massages my head after she washes my hair, she styles it amazingly beautifully, and she gives me advice on techniques to use so I can style it myself later. That makes it worth it to me.

    8. KR*

      I usually pay between 40-50 including tip for a women’s cut with long layers, with long curly hair. I usually get a wash too.

    9. NicoleK*

      Great Clips or some other low cost salon chain. $20 or less for a cut including tip (once in a while a stylist will blow dry the hair). I’m a female in the Midwest.

    10. Thursday Next*

      PNW, female, $6 at the local beauty college. I tip $5/$6 depending on how much cash I have. I have long hair and no bangs so I don’t care if they need to take off an extra 1/2 in because of a mistake. I don’t know how your hair is difficult to cut or what sort of style you prefer but if you’re looking to save money, check out a local beauty school. They’re definitely slower than a fully trained person but in my experience since they’re learning they are careful and want experience with different hair types. And the instructors will check the haircut when the students are done and fix any mistakes.

    11. fposte*

      I get a cut and blowdry for $40 in the small-town Midwest; bang trims in between are free.

      A big factor here will be cost of living–really leasing space–in the area, too. You can’t pay rent in Manhattan with the costs of haircuts in the small-town Midwest.

    12. Engineering consultant*

      About $45-50 for shampoo, cut, and blowdry in the DC suburbs, at a salon with a mostly Asian clientele. I got highlights in my hair once and it was about $120. My stylist is a little more expensive because she’s excellent and I’m willing to pay for her expertise, but at this salon, the lowest tier for cut/blowdry starts at $25 without tip for females. I think it may start at $20 for males.

      I’ve heard other friends who go to more upscale salons in the DC area and the prices tend to range about $65-$100 for shampoo, cut, and blowdry.

    13. Bigglesworth*

      I’m incredibly cheap – I’m a woman with a pixie cut. I just got my hair done at SuperCuts – wash, dry, and cut for $22 ($18 for hair and $4 tip). I’m also in law school with a limited income and know I can get by with only 3-4 haircuts a year if they cut it short enough.

    14. Fiennes*

      Deep South city, $55 for cut, blow dry, style. Color gets way more expensive but since I discovered Schwarzkopf dyes I handle that myself. (This message brought to you not by the Schwarzkopf company but by my own disgust with pretty much every other drugstore hair color.)

    15. Overeducated*

      My stylist is a “junior stylist” who charges $50 for a short women’s cut. I had to call around and ask about rates because the senior stylists in my area charge a lot more, and with a pixie cut I can’t stretch it to 2 cuts a year like when my hair was longer. (My stylist is on leave now so the front is growing out, I had my spouse trim the back and sides with clippers and it’s not completely horrible….)

    16. ThatGirl*

      My stylist is $52. I’m in the Chicago suburbs. I’ve been going to her every six weeks or so for like 9 years, her prices have gone up little by little but I like her and the salon so much I’m willing to pay. My hair is short and it’s never looked better.

    17. Searching*

      I’m a woman in Utah and pay $70 ($60 pre-tip) for my haircut/blowdry. I’ve been with the same stylist for more than 30 years so she’s turned into a friend and I love how she cuts my hair. I know it’s expensive and it adds up because my hair is short and I have to go every 5 weeks, but this is my only self-care treat, I don’t do mani/pedis or massages or anything else like that. I schedule all of my appointments for an entire year at once – my husband can’t fathom this because he usually goes to Great Clips with about 5 minutes forethought – but she has a huge client load so that’s the best way to get the times I prefer.

    18. rj*

      I used to pay $25-30 very rural midwest, including wash, cut, style and tip. When I lived in Toronto I paid $55 + tax (because it was Canada) + tip (around $70) even as a grad student. It was my main luxury. I think location is the biggest difference. My hair is short and curly and I have had a lot of bad haircuts, so I prefer to pay more.

    19. Alston*

      Ok sub question. How much do you guys tip % wise? And does the % change if you are doing color as well?

      1. Hair Cut Question*

        I tip 20% no matter what. I don’t care what I have done, and whether it’s the owner or another person. I don’t know if that is necessary – I wish it wasn’t. But since I’m not sure, I err on the side of over-generous.

      2. Pharmgirl88*

        I tip at least 20%, maybe a little more depending on what bills I have on me. I’ve been seeing the same stylist for years now, and I really like her so I make sure to tip well.

      4. Kuododi*

        I try to tip a min of 20 percent. More often than not I will err on the side of caution and tip 25. If I’ve got extra cash together and can manage… Ill over tip. I do my best to apply that policy all around to anyone I encounter in the service industry. I have worked enough service jobs and delt with enough in my time… I figure if I can pass on a little positive, it’s something to help the universe.

    20. Loopy*

      I’m a female and I have very curly hair so it takes some experience/skill not to butcher it. I’m just too terrified to go to someone at a place like Supercuts. I’ve tried a few salons around town and for a basic cut I can’t get anything under 65-90 dollars (90 was for a Deva Curl cut (I’m probably misspelling that?), so on the higher end for a reason).

      I end up getting frustrated with cost and not cutting it for months and then having a mess.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        You’re spelling it right! I pay $90 for my DevaCut in a mid-sized city in the Southeast. But I only get my hair cut 3 or 4 times a year, so it’s worth it to me. I used to pay $55 for a cut and blow dry in Queens, NY, but I went every 8 weeks or so.

    21. Mrs. Kate*

      $55 plus tip for basic cut and blow dry in an expensive Boston suburb. I’ve paid as much as $80 for the same.

    22. Book Lover*

      In Arizona, for a woman, about $45 for cut, dry, style. And then I usually add on 15% for a tip. Though, oops, I just did the math and think I have been doing less than that.

      I am unhappy though, because they always want to straighten my hair and then it is thin and feels like they have pulled it all out. And didn’t cut short enough last time. So I need to find someone new or get them to listen to me.

    23. Grace Carrow*

      In London I pay between £20 and £30 depending on length of appointment. Same cut again is around £20. And while I am female, it doesn’t matter, because Barberette has a gender neutral prices policy.

    24. Emac*

      I pay $65 before tip for cut, wash, and style. It’s expensive but worth it to me because my stylist specializes in cutting curly hair and always does an amazing job. My hair is not evenly curly/wavy and before I found her, no one ever cut my hair so that it consistently looked good, unless I was willing to spend tons of time on it which I’m not. Even other places that supposedly specialized in curly hair would end up making me look like a poodle or a mushroom. And with the current stylist, I get a ten minute head massage when she washes my hair.

      I’m a woman in an eastern MA city (outside of Boston).

    25. brushandfloss*

      Female, ethnic curly hair, Lower Westchster/NYC suburbs
      $45 plus tip – Wash, roller set, cut, flat iron Cut hair from shoulder length to nape of neck

      My sister same hair type but mid-back length
      $60 plus tip- Wash, blow dry, flat iron, and ends trimmed.

      Took us awhile to find a salon around where we live that we felt confident that the stylist knew how to work with our hair type.

    26. Delphine*

      I get a special cut for curly hair, which costs about $65 at my stylist in Boston, and I add a $15 to $20 tip. Typically the cut is done on dry curls, but my stylist works with the curls wet, and unless you ask for them to set your hair and pay extra, you don’t get to dry. I love the cuts I get, but walking out of the salon in the dead of winter with dripping hair is never fun, and I tip accordingly.

    27. periwinkle*

      I’m a short-haired female and pay $95 for color, simple layered cut, and blowdry. My stylist used to charge a lot more for the same set of services ($140 or so) when she worked in a salon and had to pay chair rent. Now she works out of her home and has reduced her prices accordingly. I’ll tip 30% (25% for her and the rest for her big doggies).

    28. Rogue*

      I’m a woman and I’ve had my hair shampo, cut, and styled (blow dried and straightened) in FL, CO, NM, TX, AR, and PA. Prices have ranged from a low of $24 in NM to a max of $36 in PA.

    29. Hnl123*

      I live in a HCOL city and around here, women’s wash and cut is at least $65+ at a salon. Cheaper if you go to like… Fantastic Sams, but the talent level is hit or miss. If you add in highlights your looking at $250+. I hate how expensive it is so I can only go once a year. My hair basically looks terrible 11 months out of the year for this reason. Le sigh.

    30. the gold digger*

      I live in a major Midwestern city. I pay $30 (with tip) for my haircuts (my hair is straight, which means any slips show) and $100 with haircut and tip to have my hair highlighted. (I do that about three times a year – it feels very extravagant and vain.)

    31. LCL*

      Cut and color every five weeks. I’m female. Cost is 100$. The salon I go to is no tipping and pays a higher wage. I have some substantial grey, but it’s all patchy and I look broke if I don’t color it.

    32. CA Teacher*

      I pay $45 for the cut and $90 for the color (basic, no highlights), and this is a steal for my amount of hair. I have mid back, thick hair, and I go to a family friend. This is LA area.

    33. Courtney*

      I pay $60 for a cut, but I see a person at my salon who charges more because she is a “master stylist” who does hair at NY fashion week and fancy stuff like that. I decided to spend the extra $ because I was in a hair rut and wanted to basically let someone do whatever they thought would look good, so I was willing to spend more. Really liked what she did with it so I’ve continued to see her.

    34. Damn it, Hardison!*

      $135 for one process color and cut, + $25/tip, every 6 weeks. Female, major East Coast city.

    35. Elizabeth H.*

      I am female and typically have medium (just above shoulder) length thick, wavy hair that I straighten daily. I pay around $40 for a cut and blow dry plus $10 tip. This is at low-to-medium-end salons. However, I’ve had pretty bad luck with losing access to people who cut my hair that I really liked, so for the past 2 years I actually have had my best friend cut my hair (for free) when she is in town. She is not a hairdresser or anything, she just trimmed it once or twice in high school (I had superlong hair I wouldn’t entrust to anyone else) and decided to ask her for the favor again last year. It’s not exactly the same as a professional cut but it’s good enough for me for the time being! I could afford to get a professional cut but it’s more the time and energy and money investment of trying to find a new person whose haircuts I adore – I don’t really want to undertake that (again!) now and until I feel like it I’d rather not pay any money at all for a potentially mediocre cut!

    36. Elizabeth West*

      I pay around $100 for color, cut, and style, and it costs $15 (was $12) to get my brows done, which I often do at the same time. So with tip, it’s around $140. Every five or six weeks, longer if I can stand the roots. I try to get brows done every two or three weeks, or else I look like a werewolf. :P I’m female, in Missouri, and this is at a Kevin Murphy salon.

      It’s a lot; if I’d known I was going to lose my job, I might not have gone blonde because I could do the red at home. But I love my stylist and she makes me look fantastic, IMO. She also understands that I can’t tip very much if at all right now–I can just manage to keep going so I don’t look crappy while job hunting. I made her a Harry Potter Felix Felicis necklace for Christmas and she loved it. :D

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Haha thanks–it doesn’t always, because the lighter color shows EVERY STRAY HAIR. And when the dewpoint is high, I look like the humidity rabbit. :P But when I style it (or especially when she does), I feel like a frickin film star. :D I wish I could afford the Kevin Murphy products for everyday–they smell amazeballs.

          Plus, when she shampoos me, I get a scalp massage!!!! \0/

    37. Rookie Manager*

      In my small town I pay around £45 for cut/colour and finish. When I lived in the big city where I work I easily paid twice that for a good salon. Currently you get 10% discount if you book your next appointment while in the salon. When I realised the price in the big city I stopped getting my colour done professionally and did it myself. Now It’s my luxury treat for working f/t.

    38. NaoNao*

      I’m at about $70 for wash, cut, and style–and that’s at an upscale, although mall-located, salon. I honestly believe you really, really get what you pay for with hair.
      I spent 400$ on the best color of my life (it was an unnatural color correction, so hours and hours in the chair) and it was worth every penny.
      Hair is something you wear every day and a good cut, color, and style can make SUCH a difference in your mood and self esteem.

      1. NaoNao*

        Sorry, I’m also female and I have a “lob” of wavy, thick, somewhat damaged hair, and I live in Denver. I also have “baby hairs”–broken off hairs from too much bleach, and my stylist was able to layer those in (somewhat) so it was worth every cent. I get it cut every 6 months or so because I’m lazy, but it’s always worth it, I feel so much better!

    39. Red*

      I’m a lady with very curly hair that goes to a guy that specializes in curls. I pay $43 for a dry hair cut.

    40. kas*

      For a wash/treatment and trim/cut, I pay between $95 – $120 before tip depending on the type of treatment I’m getting. I’m a woman, in Canada and I have curly hair.

    41. Not So NewReader*

      Rural America here. I am feeling pretty good about saying I get a cut for $10. Someone raised a good point about the overhead costs of the salon. Where I go is attached to the person’s house. She lives there so no commute costs and probably low overhead because it is just one room, although it’s a large room. She has not raised her prices in well over 12 years. I think I will speak to her about how she should increase her prices again.

    42. LAM*

      Around $110 for all over color and style, $160 for cut, color and style. I tip 20-25% due to how much hair I have and how long it takes to do my hair (it’s something like 4-5 bottles of dye and 3 hours minimum).

      I’ll typically dye it every 6-8 weeks, and do a cut every other visit.

    43. Rovannen*

      Wash, cut, blow-dry, flat-iron and style. $25 + $5 tip.
      PNW Female. My stylist recently moved salons and 100% of her clients moved with her.

    44. TL -*

      $160 for highlights/cut/blow-dry/styling at an upscale-ish Boston salon. I’m going to get it done in Sydney and am budgeting $200AUD.

      I am extremely picky about my hair. I have long, blonde, wavy hair and it should look like a Disney princess any time a stylist touches it. If I could afford to fly back to Boston twice a year to get it done, I would. (I loved my hair stylist.)

    45. HannahS*

      Am female, previously payed about 40-55 Canadian for only a haircut at a salon twice a year. Currently cutting my own hair because I hate getting my hair cut, not thrilled to be paying that much for it, and I wear my hair braided or in a bun daily so the stakes are low. It’s suprisingly really easy.

    46. teclatrans*

      Female, high cost of living city, I pay…hm, it used to be $85, but now he is up to $100 (!) for a cut and blow dry. I have hard-to-cut hair and a lot of anxiety over some awful cuts, and this is the first stylist I trust implicitly, so I pay what he charges.

      My tip used to be 20%, but I can’t afford thay, so it’s more like 15% (Also, my stylist is in a …coworking sort of space, where he keeps more of the base charge than he usually would.)

    48. Galatea*

      Non-binary, in a large Midwest city.

      The place I go to has haircuts starting at $30, although there’s a price increase depending on seniority of the stylist. It’s a little more expensive than some places I’ve been, but I go here specifically because they don’t price on gender but on length, and because this place doesn’t try to feminize every single haircut I get — I’ve had places straight up refuse to square off edges because it looks “too masculine”, which is a weird thing to say to a person wearing men’s clothes and a binder, but whatever.

      My stylist charges I think $32, but I usually tip $10-$20 on top of that because I like her and because I’ve pretty much given her free rein to do whatever she wants with my hair and it turns out looking nice.

    49. Clever Name*

      Getting my hair done at a nice salon is one of the only luxuries I allow myself. I pay over $100 for highlights, shampoo and cut. I go every other month. I get constant compliments on my haircut and my color. I’ve been seeing the same stylist for 10 years now.

  44. SparklingStars*

    Has anyone here ever used a tour group such as Rick Steves or Lonely Planet? I want to go someplace in Europe this year (haven’t quite narrowed down the destination yet, but am leaning towards England, Scotland, or Italy) and was wondering about others’ experiences with group tours. For context, I don’t want the “adventure” type tour with tons of physical activities included, but I’m fine with moderate walking.

    1. NicoleK*

      We took a Collette tour of Italy a few years back. We enjoyed our experience and would be open to tour groups in the future.
      Pros: Obviously someone else is driving so you get to enjoy the view or nap during the drive. It’s great having hotel, transportation, most dining options, and most attractions planned out. We didn’t speak the local language and it was nice having a tour guide when there is an issue.

      Cons: Can be pricey. The age of the tour group typically skews older (I was 37 and DH was 46 at the time).

    2. Bigglesworth*

      I’m curious too. My parents are doing a Rick Steve’s tour of Germany and Austria in March, by their the first people I know doing that.

    3. Fiennes*

      You know best what you’d enjoy, but definitely consider going on your own, without a formal tour. This way you decide what to see, what pace to go at, where to eat, etc. Obviously in England & Scotland you’ll speak the local language (and the accents aren’t insurmountable); in Italy, at least in most tourist areas, you’ll be able to find English maps/guides/speakers with ease. Public transit in Europe is plentiful and affordable; you can relax and check out the scenery as well on a train as you could on a bus. (Yes, new transit systems can be intimidating, but I always remind myself these trains weren’t set up for the exclusive use of rocket scientists—I can probably figure it out!)

      I’m not knocking tours; lots of people really enjoy them. But I think many would-be travelers choose them more out of unfamiliarity & intimidation than for their real benefits (predictability, support staff, fixed costs, etc.) I’d just urge you to consider all the possibilities.

    4. Lore*

      I went to Ecuador with Gap (now I think they’re just called G) a few years back. Pretty reasonable price wise (esp since the trip included the Galapagos, which you have to do in some sort of group) and I really liked the fact that most of the scheduling was very open–you arrived in location A, checked into hotel, and then they’d give you a list of activities they could arrange but you could also just sightsee on your own or with other group members and as long as you were at the bus station or wherever the next departure point was, it didn’t matter how you spent the intervening time. (Which also meant it was easy to cater to your own levels of physical competence–I skipped white water rafting, for example, but did a waterfall hike later the same day.) I also liked that they don’t charge a single supplement if you’re willing to share with another solo traveler. On my trip there were three solo travelers so we each got single rooms part of the time and shared part of the time and it worked nicely.

    5. Lily Evans*

      I’ve never done a group tour, but I read a ton of travel blogs and have done a lot of research into possibly doing group tours in the future. I’ve heard really great things about Intrepid Travel (which despite the name offers tours of all physicality levels). Highland Explorer Tours in Scotland is another company that I’ve seen very positive reviews of. And I don’t know your age/gender, but there’s a group called Women Traveling Together that I found looking for tour groups for my mom that has really positive reviews and their groups are only women with an average age of 50 (but they accept adult travelers of any age). If you fall into that target demographic it might be a good choice!

      1. Aussie academic*

        Just to add on, I’m a big fan of Intrepid travel, having done trips with them to Eastern Europe and parts of Asia, and in 3 days I’m heading off for an Intrepid trip to northern Africa! I like that it’s just small groups (usually max 16 ppl) and that it doesn’t involve sitting on coaches but really getting out into the community with a local guide. They have different styles of trips and I’ve not done the kind that involve camping or anything too rustic, but you’re not checking into business hotels where you could be in any big city either. I’m 41 and my hubby is about to turn 50, and we’re pretty well traveled, but we like to have a bit of structure with our trips without spending all our time with a group, and this seems to provide a nice mix of group and personal time. And we’ve found a mix of ages, from 20s through 80s with Intrepid, which works for us, but check out their blogs if you want to get a sense of the style of the trips. We tried a few companies before settling on this one – some were too ‘party hearty’ and others a little too… old, to put it bluntly? Good luck!

    6. Fiddlesticks*

      There are actually tour companies where you can buy a package including flights and hotels (and some incidental tour items if you want), but that leave you completely unscheduled during the day. (Gate One is one of the agencies I’ve used in the past.) It gives you the ease of one-stop-shopping for the logistics if you don’t feel like hammering out all the individual details, but also provides you the freedom to schedule however you want during the days themselves. Bonus: these tend to be less expensive than the fully scheduled/tourguided group trips!

    7. JenM*

      I used The Travel Department to travel around the Barcelona region. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I really enjoyed it. Hotels were ok and the guide was really good. I was one of the youngest there (35). My sister was with me. She has trouble with her feet but was able to manage the walking no problem. They leave from airports in Ireland and the UK. Might be worth looking at.

    8. Colette*

      I did a group tour years ago. It was good for what it was, but there were a few downsides. They didn’t allow hot food on the bus, which was sometimes tricky if we didn’t have long for a lunch break. They were also sticklers about leaving on time (which I liked, I hate waiting) so if you weren’t there, they’d leave without you. But since it was a bus tour, if you were done whatever you were doing an hour before the bus left, you got to sit on the curb for an hour until the bus showed up from whereever it was parked. There were good reasons for all of those things, but they were not my favourite.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Not any of those, but I did a small-group day tour when I went to Scotland, so I wouldn’t have to mess around with buses to and from Loch Ness (it’s 14 miles outside Inverness). The company was Inverness Tours dot com (google it). They sell off single seats on group tours so you don’t have to join a huge group or get one together. It ended up being me and an American couple, and we had a great time. The tour guide, an Inverness native named George Munro, picked me up at the train station and dropped us off anywhere we liked afterward (all three of us wanted to go to Leakey’s Bookshop). I booked everything through email and they were very easy to deal with, and George was delightful. It was just for a day trip–I didn’t have to make a commitment to a large group and it didn’t cost that much. I know there are some like it for walks in Wales and other places.

      Going up from London, I took the Caledonian Sleeper and booked it through Trainline dot com. Google The Man in Seat 61 and his website will tell you everything you need to know, in detail, about booking and taking trains in the UK and Europe. I followed his directions exactly and everything went as he said.

      I also made great use of Rick Steves’ website. I didn’t need to join a group for anything else, and it all went very well. The main thing I would advise is not to overbook yourself–you will want some days to just wander around and do whatever you like. That’s why the day tours are so great. I had a ton of stuff scheduled in 2014, but my next trip in 2015 was very loosey-goosey; the only pre-booked thing I had was the Titanic film concert at Royal Albert Hall. I spent a lot of time just farting around randomly in London in between that and doing research at the British Library.

    10. HannahS*

      Went on a Haggis tour in Scotland. It was lovely; I had a great guide. Mostly the age was 22-30. They have a sister company that markets to older people but I’m pretty sure they send us all on th same busses.

  45. DoctorateStrange*

    I’m reading The Invention of Angela Carter by Edmund Gordon and I find it to be one of the best biographies I’ve read. I’ve been an admirer of Carter’s work for awhile and I love how meticulously well-researched and well-written this book is. So far, I like how Gordon shows Carter as a fully-realized person, flaws and all, and not some mystical being.

    I’m also going to start on Mervyn Peake’s Gormenghast series. I hope to have good fun with that.

    1. fposte*

      I was so excited that you mentioned this! Fay Weldon and Angela Carter were two writers that were hugely instrumental in forming my ideas about femaleness and feminism; The Bloody Chamber especially was a hugely important work for me. I will get a hold of the biography.

      1. DoctorateStrange*

        I am not too familiar with Fay Weldon but I would love to give her a try!

        The Bloody Chamber is such a formative influence on my own writing. I am especially fond the Lady of the House of Love and the Erl-King.

        1. fposte*

          Fay Weldon is a domestic, if exaggerated, realist. Probably her most popularly known work is The Life and Loves of a She-Devil, which got made into the not-great movie She-Devil.

          I think my favorite in Bloody Chamber is actually “The Company of Wolves,” for the line in the encounter with the wolf: “The girl burst out laughing. She knew she was nobody’s meat.”

          1. DoctorateStrange*

            Oh, wow, I hadn’t know that movie was based on a book. I am really curious to read it now!

            Carter was brilliant at how she weaved her sentences together. A line I will never forget is in the first story based on Bluebeard where the heroine’s husband gives her a ruby choker that she describes as “…two inches wide, like an extraordinarily precious slit throat.”

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      That sounds interesting. I have to admit, I’m not a huge fan of biographies. I always find them a bit dry.

      I’ve just finished Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. As I told my dad, it’s a story of two men who manage to royally mess up one woman’s life.

      At least Hardy was aware that the woman paid the consequences for a man’s actions. He seemed very astute about it all.

      I’m now trying to decide what book to read in order to start the new year right.

      1. DoctorateStrange*

        Usually, biographies can come off dry to me as well. I found this one interesting because Angela Carter died too soon and I was always fascinated by her thoughts on matters. Not to mention, the author is clearly just as passionate about her as I am but is also not afraid to point out any myths pertaining to her.

    1. nep*

      What do you mean ‘worse’ ? Not as beneficial, do you mean?
      I would think the most important difference is not having a skilled instructor to help ensure proper form and possibly avoid injury. That said, I have experienced enormous benefits from yoga — I wouldn’t want to live without it — and I’ve never set foot in a class.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I think a class is better partly because they can adapt to your needs and also because you ideally want to be able to relax and shut your eyes and trust that someone can see what you’re doing.

    3. fposte*

      I’d say it depends, but I’m with nep in being a happy practitioner who’s never set foot in a class.

      I think the main challenge is being able to judge what your own body is doing, so a mirror can be helpful, especially if you’re just starting out. It’s not so much so you can go “Oh, no, my downward dog isn’t as deep as the instructor’s!” because who cares, but so you can be sure that you’re, say, hinging at the hip rather than rounding the back (though there’s some decent research to suggest that rounding the back isn’t that terrible anyway–it is, however, good to know whether you’re doing it or not when you’re trying not to). It’s also helped me a lot to read some good books about modifications like Miriam Austin’s Cool Yoga Tricks, so I get some really good ideas about how to do the poses in ways that might be better for me.

      I think that it’s also a personal thing, and that I do yoga better on my own, where I don’t risk a competitive desire to do something I shouldn’t, where I don’t have to pay extra, and where I don’t have to haul myself out of the house. I’m sure I’d find some other benefits from going to classes, but I think it’d be hard for them to be worth more than those.

    4. c*

      I started doing yoga with home videos. I go to public classes every now and then, but I still do home videos fairly often. If I didn’t, there would be days when I didn’t get to do much physical movement at all.

      I find that I get a deeper savanasa in public class, though. It’s nice to have the dimmed lights, incense, and soothing music sometimes. Also, instructors’s adjustments have been helpful.

    5. nep*

      A friend of mine is a yoga instructor and often invites me to classes. And I’ve got access to classes free through my part-time job. But for me doing it alone enhances the experience — it’s part of the gratification for me, the solitude in the breathing…hanging in a certain pose or stretch as I wish.
      After a drum circle once, the instructor led the group through a kind of stretch/meditation thing; I didn’t get anything out of that group setting at all and I imagine it would be the same for yoga.

    6. Hnl123*

      I’ve done a lot of both videos and actual classes at dozens of studios. For me personally I get a better class live in person. Some reasons 1) a class full of bodies is warmer so I am more limber 2) seeing other ppl is motivating to me 3) the instructor gives me personal cues/adjustments that make a big difference 4) nice to be around people without having to talk to them lol 5) each class is different, while video classes are always the same unless I donwload a new one.

      I foUnd that once I had a few live classes under my belt and got the hang of breathing, the cadence, etc, Igor a lot more out of my at home videos. Ymmv.

    7. Lissa*

      Depends. I can’t do it alone/with a video because I am really bad at following along without someone to correct my posture and give personalized help, but I have some physical stuff going on so I pretty much just do private lessons. That said I think that after I am more used to it and improved I’ll be able to do it with videos. My thing is “do it in person with personal feedback first to make sure you have the basics”.

    8. Elizabeth H.*

      It seems like it depends on preference and your objectives for practicing yoga. If your objectives are to get the personal benefits of a mental & physical practice you can do at home and you’re capable of doing it with videos or podcasts or books, it’s probably fine. I would say probably similar to starting walking/running on your own. If you want to learn yoga in a more structured way and (might) want to eventually progress, more significantly improve your physical fitness level and abilities, perhaps eventually be able to do advanced poses, and get more variety, plus contextualized learn of the non physical aspectsof yoga, then go to a class.
      I practice yoga somewhat seriously and always go to class. I practiced on my own also most days when I lived alone and could have my yoga stuff out all the time, and during a phase when it was a more serious part of my life (from what other things I have going it’s presently not as central in my life as it used to be, but ideally it will be again). But I personally can’t really focus enough on my own to get nearly the same benefits I get from a class. I don’t like the videos/podcasts and have no interest in any kind of home exercise with videos or a routine or whatever. But lots of people are able to do those. It depends!

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        I would also underscore the idea that in class you get physical adjustments /tips /suggestions /corrections that can vastly change how you benefit from a pose.

    9. Lady Jay*

      I’m going to be the odd one out here and say I’ve really benefited from yoga class/studio.

      I started going to class weekly about a year ago, as a way to step away briefly from life/work stressors. I’d done a little yoga in my bedroom, using pictures from the internet, up to that point, and I was surprised how much I improved in yoga from a class. My form has improved (I can keep my back straight during downward dog now!), but I also have a better sense of how the poses fit together and how to move gracefully from one pose to another, as well as which poses to use at times of the day (e.g. morning pose, evening pose).

      One thing to keep in mind is that yoga class doesn’t need to be something you go to indefinitely, very regularly. You could go for three months, or six, or a year, and then go back to doing yoga on your own. We have people at yoga that show up once every six weeks or two months. I’m scaling back from once a week to once every two weeks or so, for reasons of cost, now that I’ve improved.

      1. TL -*

        I only do it in classes and I really enjoy the walk there, the instructors, and the lovely atmosphere; it’s a whole package deal that I am looking for. I am also super impatient and getting through a yoga routine at home would probably be a lot of be just rushing through things.

      2. Elizabeth H.*

        I actually feel extremely strongly pro-class but I was trying to make an effort to be more open minded and consider other people’s different goals motivations! That’s a really important part too about getting a sense for flow and sequencing, plus balance between poses, timings , etc. You definitely develop a sense and understanding of that in class.

    10. Effie, who is wondering*

      I like it both ways! It depends on what I’m going for.

      At home I can pause a video to use the restroom :)
      At home I can hold a pose as long as I want
      At home I don’t have to argue with an instructor who’s trying to push me past my limit (I say as someone with a ton of body awareness)
      At home I can listen to the sound of my breath better
      At home I can challenge myself at my own pace

      At a studio I can use the mirror to help my posture and positioning
      At a studio the instructor can do minor adjustments and explain things in a different way if it didn’t come through the first way
      At a studio I can do aerial yoga!
      At a studio it’s easier to clear my mind since yoga is the only thing I associate with the studio
      At a studio there are other motivations to “push” me when I’m too lazy/unmotivated to challenge myself

  47. Simone R*

    What do people eat for breakfast? Currently I rotate between pastries, oatmeal, energy bars and yogurt but it seems like the pastries are the only thing that keeps me full until lunch time and that’s not really a 5 days/week option.

    1. fposte*

      Cheese and crispbread. I don’t remember how I got into that but it works really well for me; the crunch is satisfying, and the protein keeps me going well. I love sweet stuff but I don’t fare that well on it.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Either crunchy granola, boiled eggs and toast soldiers, poached eggs or my patented Black Forest Sandwich, which is like a bacon sandwich, but I dry fry Black Forest ham instead.

      3. Simone R*

        Oooh that sounds good-I can never get out of bed more than 20 minutes before I leave but I could probably squeeze prepping that into my routine.

    3. Bigglesworth*

      I do fried eggs and bacon (if I have it) or an omelette. Sometimes I’ll do granola or cereal, but I like savory breakfasts over sweet.

    4. c*

      I used to have this problem, too. I wasn’t getting enough calories and/or protein at breakfast time, so I would end up visiting the coffee shop near my office every morning. Now I have Greek yogurt with berries and almonds when I first wake up, then pack a second breakfast to eat at my desk a few hours later. I have found a couple of relatively healthy baked goods that I can make at home to stave off cravings. Google “superhero muffins” for one of the recipes. They are filling, but so high in fiber that I know I can only eat one each day.

      Another thing that has helped is drinking a lot of water in the mornings. On good days, I have had 750 mL before I leave for work (usually as part of my workout), and another 400 mL or so on my commute. It’s surprising how often I think I am hungry when I am actually thirsty.

    5. Loopy*

      I am a massive fan of overnight oats. I use greek yogurt *and* milk to make them more filling. you could also incorporate peanut butter. There are tons of different easy recipes online- more like combos than recipes. I recommend it to everyone and it keeps me full.

    6. copy run start*

      Pancakes/waffles or cereal, sometimes toast if I’ve decided to pay for a loaf of bread. (I’m gluten-free, so bread is like $6.50/loaf instead of $2.00… I don’t indulge myself often because I’d rather get the good flour.) The pancakes and waffles stick far better than cereal, but sometimes I lack time or energy to make a better breakfast.

    7. nep*

      I mix uncooked oats with hemp powder, flax, chia seeds when I’ve got them, and cinnamon — cut up a ripe banana and toss it around in the mixture till it’s coated.
      If I’ve got some leftover green smoothie in the fridge, I’ll mix uncooked oats into that.
      Do you eat eggs? I’ve heard of people feeling satiated for longer with an egg or two at breakfast.

    9. Lissa*

      A latte. I am a monster. When I can manage to eat real food in the mornings I will do toast and hummus or a hard-boiled egg.

    10. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Eggs – hard boiled, frittatas (baked in muffin tins), quiche. Usually a slice of bread or English muffin on the side. I’ve been looking at freezable breakfast burritos and breakfast sandwich recipes to try something new. Oh, and in the winter baked oatmeal with fruit and nuts. The key for me is something I can make ahead and warm up at the office.

    11. Jen RO*

      Coffee (with lots of milk and sugar). I used to eat a croissant every morning and gained a few pounds… I lost them when I stopped eating breakfast. It’s probably not the healthiest, but I got used to it. I do get hungry earlier though (I have the coffee around 9.30 and lunch around 12.30).

    12. Elizabeth H.*

      Right now I don’t eat breakfast. I have coffee (rarely tea) and then just eat lunch when I get hungry. I usually eat lunch fairly late too like 2-3pm. Once in a while I wake up super hungry and then when I get to work I’ll have some toast or a bagel or possibly freezer waffles before lunch (mostly just with butter), but still fairly late like 1030-11am. I used to eat breakfast at work every day but again, in the late morning after finishing coffee. I would always have 1.5 packages plain instant oatmeal with frozen blueberries, occasionally 2 freezer waffles with peanut butter.

    13. Liza*

      During the work week, I have a 2% Greek yogurt with ground flaxseed, blueberries (fresh or frozen depending on availability), and a banana, sprinkled with ground cinnamon, which I find very satisfying. On the weekends, usually a multigrain or oat bran bagel with protein such as cottage cheese or hard boiled eggs. I find that carbs only are not very filling.

    14. Windchime*

      I have a cup of tea and a piece of hearty whole-wheat toast (Dave’s Killer Bread) with peanut butter. Same thing, every day.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Following a large cup of coffee, usually plain Greek yogurt with honey. Sometimes I add blackberries or thawed frozen strawberries; sometimes I eat the blackberries separate. And a side of almonds. I tried unsalted, but I end up dipping them in salt anyway, so whatever.

      Or, sprouted wheat toast with nut butter–either peanut or almond. And berries if I have them.

      Or, avocado toast with sea salt and Old Bay seasoning sprinkled on.

      Or, chia pudding with berries, from a recipe someone here posted ages ago, that I make the night before. It’s 3/4 cup milk, 3 tablespoons of chia seeds, and 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract. Stir continuously until it starts to thicken; put in the fridge overnight. I add thawed frozen berries the next day.

      Or, an egg scrambled in the microwave with thawed pre-cut frozen peppers and onions and a little cheese, with a side of almonds. This was a go-to breakfast at Exjob, which I’d have around 9 a.m. or so with tea in my AAM mug. :)

      In summer, I make smoothies–fruit, Greek yogurt, honey, and ground flaxseed (it’s useless if you eat it whole) or chia seeds. I drink milk with my brekkie, not the coffee–I can’t eat first thing and it has to be something I can fix fast or I won’t bother. Whatever I make, it HAS to have protein or I get hangry and then eat crap for lunch.

      On weekends, I’ll make scrambled eggs on the stove or an egg burrito with cheese from a recipe I got on Quora, to which I add spinach and sriracha. The egg burrito is good for a quick lunch or supper too, but you have to cook it on the stove because it requires a pan. Pancakes and frozen waffles (my waffle iron broke) are a very occasional indulgence.

    16. Aphrodite*

      I cannot handle sugar in the morning so I stick to a protein-heavy meal. It consists of two farm eggs, one-half slice of Wellshire thick-sliced bacon (at Whole Foods), Greek yogurt mixed with fruit juice and blueberries, milk, vegetable juice, and on rare occasions a half slice of toast with a thin spread of butter. No cereal, no muffins, nothing sweet (except the fruit juice).

    17. Alston*

      When I am rushing to school I eat a pretzel hot dog. They are the Auntie Annie’s brand and they’re in the freezer section. Savory and has some protein,and easy to eat on the go.

    18. LAM*

      Leftovers from the night before. If there are none, then I’ll pack up a small portion of what I’m having for lunch (typically chicken, some kind of vegetables and pasta/potatoes). I’m not a huge breakfast food person, but if lunch that week is particularly tasty, then my breakfast makes me excited and looking forwards to lunch. When I do this though, I will typically include a sweet snack of sorts to lunch. Like a baked apple, a banana topped with (fake) PB and dark chocolate. Just to keep things interesting.

      But I’m also the person who makes one giant pot/pan of food and eat the same thing all week.

    19. HannahS*

      Ugh so I’ve been having scrambled eggs and toast and fruit for ages which has been fabulous but now that I have earlier mornings it’s really not working. I’m switching to protein shakes once I get back from vacation.

    20. Ramona Flowers*

      I eat porridge or plain yoghurt with chopped fruit, or an omelette, or a bowl of grape nuts (best cereal ever).

    21. Caro in the UK*

      Depending on how much time I have and what I’m in the mood for, a variant of one of the following: Avocado toast (on rye bread) with a poached egg, porridge with some sort of fruit (stewed apples with cinnamon is my current favourite!), homemade granola with yoghurt and fruit, or rye bread with peanut butter.

      It sounds like you’re getting enough carbs, but might need a bit more protein and healthy fats to help keep you full?

  48. Binging*

    I can’t stop eating. Ever since I was about 13, I’ve gone through periods of extreme binging and extreme dieting. Only this time, it feels like the binging period is never ending. I’m not technically overweight, but I don’t feel comfortable with how I look and if I keep eating at this rate, I’ll gain another 20 pounds in a month. Every night I say I’ll eat healthier the next day and I never do. I also don’t exercise because… well I have no good excuse but I’m just too lazy.

    Has anyone successfully stopped binging? I’m almost 30 and I’m tired of going through these ups and downs, both physically and mentally.

    1. fposte*

      Hope you don’t mind some questions! Can you describe what happens that you’re describing as “binging”? Is it appetite-driven or hunger-driven, is it eating throughout the day, or is it just eating huge meals? Do you ever feel satisfied? Has this ever been something you’ve discussed with a doctor, and has your thyroid been checked? Do you have control over your kitchen or do you have to share with people?

      I would start with a doctor visit and Brian Wansink’s Slim by Design to rethink your kitchen and other habits; it’s a good start, and it won’t hurt you if it turns out there’s something else going on.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Brian Wansink is amazing. Mindless Eating made me so much more observant about restaurants and movies and backing. His books are fantastic.

    2. Book Lover*

      If you think it may be a medical or psychological issue, definitely see your doctor. There are medications that can be used for binge eating disorder with good evidence of benefit.

      You didn’t give a lot of detail, but if you are just eating a bit more than usual (like right now I am taking two servings when really one is fine and feel not great about it but plan to stop on Monday) then I think keeping a food diary can be helpful. Also drinking water or going for a walk when you want to go and graze some more, because sometimes it is just boredom or thirst.

    3. A Different Perspective*

      I haven’t exactly stopped, but I’ve gotten a lot of relief this year from exploring Intuitive Eating/HAES. Check out podcasts “Food Psych” with Christy Harrison, “Love, Food” with Julie Duffy Dillon, book “Eating in the Light of the Moon” by Anita Johnson, free online guide by Isabel Foxen Duke, and the Intuitive Eating workbook. It’s helped me a lot to see binges as a natural response to restriction, and in turn to make sure that I’m feeding myself enough so that binges are not that bad. Also to see binges as the response to perceived restriction or deprivation, so even having the idea that another restriction is on the horizon can make me want to eat more, and giving myself permission alleviates some of the urgency and force. My body size hasn’t changed, and if anything it’s gotten a little bigger, but I don’t hate myself in the mornings as much or have as much physical discomfort from overeating or crave foods so frequently. What’s also helped: work stress calming down, finding other activities to fill my time and my life with. Best of luck!

    4. GreyNerdShark*

      I found it was a number of things.

      The eating changes were in several parts. One was portion sizes. I really didn’t know what a good size was. Here in Oz there is a company called Lite’n’Ezy who provide breakfast lunch and dinner and all you need is a microwave. Sounds dreadful but the food is quite good. I did that and deliberately did not buy anything else. The first few weeks of the change was awful as I was so used to eating all the time. I did buy snacks but managed to only buy some and to ration those. The weight came off fairly quickly which was a good incentive to keep going.

      Aside from that incentive of visible change, I learned what dinner should look like. I have a set of plates I bought many years ago and it is quite instructive to see the different sizes compared to ones you buy today. A sensible portion size fills one of the old ones and looks small and not enough in the bigger bowls.

      Another part was looking at when I was eating. I developed a habit of eating while reading. To the point I didn’t even notice I was doing it. It was also location dependent: sitting at my desk at home on the computer I feel odd and antsy if I am not eating. This is clearly a learned dependency thing, just like smokers get. The nicotine is only part of if, the learned habits are part too, the “What do I do with my hands” and “always smoke after eating” habits make it harder to stop. So I had to break that dependency. I could eat elsewhere but not there. Not being there made it easier to not eat.

      I tried not buying the junk but that was a step too far. I noticed I ate everything in sight so the key was to not have it in sight. Junk food gets portioned into snack size bags when bought and put in a cupboard. So to get more is to go and get another pack and that’s a circuit breaker: I can realise I am doing it and do something else. At one point I had my bag of chocolate and did 4 squats per piece. It wasn’t about reward or punishment, it was the circuit breaker to stop me mindlessly munching.

      Another was to change what I was eating. Fewer carbs, so no white bread or rice or pasta, wholemeal only and less of that. No white potatoes at all. When cooking, cook less carb and more vegetables. Munch on carrots and celery more than chocolate or chips. Meals are lots of veges and less meat. I was still eating a lot but different things made a difference, and I was fuller for longer eating more nonwhite vegies and nonwhite carbs.

      In all of it, the truth is you can’t eat what you don’t buy. First eat before you go shopping so aren’t hungry, makes a difference. Then buy only the things you should eat and not the things you should not. At first buy junk but less of it and only ones easily portioned into rations. So no icecream buckets but boxes of individual bars are OK. After a while only buy the small bars. Eventually you will be able to stop.
      Buy lots of apples and carrots and celery. Chop the celery into bits so that you can take a handful and eat those when you get the eating urge.

      Weight is more about eating then exercise. Exercise isn’t that useful for weightloss physically but it does help you a lot mentally. I feel happier and less out of control after it. I am tired but happy. But it didn’t work for me as a “thing I have to do” as there was way too many ways to not do it. I didn’t get properly into it until I was riding a bicycle to work. That way it happened every day and if I didn’t use the bike the alternatives were worse because of no parking. I had to work up to it, as in the beginning I was so unfit I was walking up speed humps… the trip that takes me 45min now took me nearly 2 hours the first time, what with all the stop and rest breaks and the walking up hills. And I’d been riding around the local area every day for a couple of weeks before that.

      For the first couple of weeks I rode in, took the train home, train in and back the next day, train in and rode home. Plenty recovery time. Gradually I was able to ride more often until I was going there and back. And feeling really happy! Regular exercice improves your mood, but regular meaningful useful exercise is better than being in a gym.

      If you can’t ride all the way, get a folder or a bike rack, and drive part way to ride the rest. Find the local cycle group and talk to them about best routes, they told me my proposed route was silly and showed me a much nicer one: flatter and fewer cars.

      If you have got this far… it’s about setting yourself up to learn the right habits and unlearn the ones you have now. Realise it is about learned dependencies so you have to learn new ones. The new ones will be harder to learn but it is doable. Start by working out what your learned dependencies are now: when you eat, what triggers that eating, how you eat. Then watch yourself, when one of those habits starts, work on changing it, work on eliminating that trigger or getting it to trigger something else.

    5. (anonymous for this only)*

      Short answer: Lexapro.

      Long answer: I have an off and on eating disorder history from teenage years (30 now) that has included multiple phases of binge eating. The first time was in my sophomore year of college and I also lost interest in exercising at that time. In retrospect the underlying issue was depression which was also evident in other factors in my life including psychological symptoms. I eventually stopped and spent a while at average weight, (ages 22-23) and then low-average (ages 24-26). During this I had occasional episodes of binge eating but just a few times a year and it was a very small amount of food, stuff like eating an entire thing of granola or trail mix. After that I spent 2 years being super thin and struggling with eating. Eventually (age 28-29) I became depressed again and with it came some really serious binge eating. This lasted a year and a half, getting worse and worse, and I also had a million other symptoms of depression including completely stopping exercising and it was awful.

      Eventually I managed to start taking Lexapro which helped with the depression at first slowly and then quickly. I binge ate much less as time went on and now (30) I haven’t done it in a pretty long time and have started exercising again and have been gradually losing the extra weight from binging without attempting to diet. I feel pretty much all better now which is practically a miracle.

      So I would say the medium length answer is: in my case it’s been a symptom of other issues and couldn’t be resolved without the underlying cause of depression. In my personal experience depression (as opposed to anxiety which I also have and is well managed but when not, has been correlated with restricting food) was the essential cause of my binge eating. Especially with your lack of interest in exercise, I would encourage you to look at underlying causes that binging may be a symptom of. Obviously habits and patterns are HUGE factors in binging, which I’ve noticed and struggled with (while feeling somewhat better mentally as I improved from the depression, still ending up binging partly out of habit and routine) but I think it’s harder to stamp out simply at the behavioral level of that makes sense.

      This is just my personal experience and observations from that. GOOD LUCK!!! It’s such a challenging problem and requires really heroic efforts to work against.

    6. kas*

      I don’t binge and I’ve never really had weight issues but I had an issue with eating healthy. I have a fast metabolism so I used that as an excuse to eat junk food (fast food, unhealthy snacks) as I knew it wouldn’t really affect me.

      The only thing that has helped was getting a trainer for a few months. I wanted to tone up and I was too lazy to exercise. I knew I would have no choice if I got a trainer so I did and even though I don’t have a trainer anymore, it helped tremendously. I now feel guilty eating junk food and try to eat healthy. I still eat a bit of junk but no where near as much as before.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I can pack food in, I know how. If I don’t watch what I eat I will just blossom out all over.
      Several things I have learned:

      A body which is lacking proper nutrition will constantly call out for more food. Read this as, “I need more food and this time I hope you will eat something with Vitamins X, Y and Z because we are running really low here.”
      I switched over to whole foods, veggies, fruits and proteins such as meat/fish/eggs/beans. I kept eating as much as I needed because I had a very physical job at that point. So I could pack in food like a man, but because I limited my choices, I lost weight. More importantly, I built a plan for when the munchies hit and I had something ready that was in line with my diet.

      Soups and shakes are really good because they are broken down into liquid form and the body absorbs the nutrition quicker.

      I also had to think about my life and what was missing from it. Clearly, I was using food to fill a void, but what would it take for me to feel my life was more well-rounded. This meant I tried new-t0-me things. While not a magic bullet, it did help to explore and add new things/activities/ideas to my life and to my thoughts.

      Thirst masquerades as hunger. It feels like hunger, grumbles like hunger but it is actually thirst. Hydrate. In the wintertime it is even harder to remember to drink water. There are times where I fill a pitcher to a predetermined point. The pitcher needs to be empty by bedtime.

      Some foods seem to trigger the desire to eat more of that particular food. Watch out for this. It could be allergy but it could also be that the food just has little to no nutrition in it. To get around this, I try to change what I buy each week. If I had X this week, I will not buy it for next week. The wider variety of foods we eat the better off we are. I read somewhere that most of us eat the same eight foods in different forms. That super resonated with me.

    8. anonymous binger*

      For me, what helps when I have uncontrollable binging urges (or in fact binging) is to stop and figure out what is going on. Especially since this seems to be different for you than previous binges. I’ve been at this for many years so nowadays can usually pinpoint what is going on (the emotion behind this triggered behavior) but it took working with a therapist to figure this out and understand the emotion so I could separate it from the eating. I also allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted because as soon as I declared something off limit it would trigger my binging (related to childhood issues in my case); I gained weight but I was no longer binging all the time, which was an enormous relief. For me, all the excellent suggestions others have made could only happen after I had gained some separation from my eating because any attempt at portion control or more nutritious food would generate such rage eating that it was in fact worse for me.

  49. SallyForth*

    I live on the West Coast of Canada. We (with our upstairs neighbours) decided to celebrate New Years on Eastern time! We have time shift TV, so can actually watch the ball drop.

  50. anon24*

    Just curious, is anyone here doing the new 30 days of yoga with Adrienne challenge in January? I discovered Adrienne on YouTube this past fall and do her videos almost every day and she’s been so helpful to my mental health and the yoga has saved me from so much pain. I’m excited to do this for myself!

    2. c*

      I am doing it for the third year running! I didn’t make it all the way through last year, but I hope to stick with it this time.

    4. rj*

      I never make it exactly on time. I expect to finish around Feb 10. I love her. She has helped so much with anxiety and physical pain.

    5. Rookie Manager*

      Yes! I did it last year and really enjoyed it. Trying to encourage some IRL friends and family to join me. Can we check in and discuss at next week’s open thread?

    7. Tris Prior*

      I just found her on Youtube this week and have done a few of her videos. I really like them so far. I’ll need to check this 30 days thing out!

  51. Bigglesworth*

    Question for the healthy foodie people out there – What is a good way of going sugar free and dairy free? Hubby has decided to go dairy free (I’ll still have milk for my coffee), but overall we’re going to remove these two things from our diet. Any advice, recipes, websites, or blogs I should be following? We’re trying to be healthier overall, but I have a feeling this is going to be harder than we expect.

    1. fposte*

      If you mean added sugar, I don’t think it’s actually that hard to do practically–just follow the old “shop the perimeter” advice for the grocery store and leave out the dairy case. What’s more relevant to your household is what you’re used to having sugar in and what you’ll do with that habit. Is it beverages? Snacks? Dessert? Breakfast? Do you eat out or get takeout with any regularity, whether for lunch or dinner?

      If you’re okay with non-sugar carbs, that also gives you a lot of wiggle room with French bread (which *shouldn’t* have sugar, but check the ingredients), pasta, etc.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I think most of our added sugar comes from either coffee drinks, homemade cookies (I love to bake) or sauces. Partially to help us budget with groceries, we also just signed up for a Hungry Harvest produce box and are getting our meat from a local CSA.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, those are easy sources. I think you might find it helpful to figure out a new routine around those; it’s easy enough to make sauces without added sugar, but if you love to bake you’re going to need a new creative plan as well as a new consumption habit, and coffee drinks are often part of a self-treat or office exit that you’ll want to create alternatives for.

          I do find the palate resets pretty fast and unsugared fruit gets a lot sweeter than it used to taste :-).

          1. Bigglesworth*

            I’m glad to hear that it resets fast. Finding sugar-free baking recipes is definitely interesting and so is finding good recipes when inviting other people other. Yikes!

            I’m already craving chocolate bars (and it doesn’t help that my sister and her husband gave me my favorite chocolate bars from the UK for Christmas).

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I looked over Mark Bittman’s V6 book/cookbook a couple of years ago and found it interesting. His basic approach is to eat “vegan before 6” (6pm, that is.) I don’t think you are looking to go that far, but as I recall he had a lot of good suggestions/recipes, which might be useful. Unfortunately cheese and lattes are my downfall……

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I just found out about a cheese CSA near me and I’m so sad that I won’t be able to sign up for it! I love cheese!

        And thanks for the book suggestion! I’ll have to see if my library has it.

    3. Hellanon*

      It is. I can’t speak to the dairy-free, but going sugar-free was a matter of absolutes for me: no added sugar, no matter what kind or what they called it (so no honey, agave syrup, evaporated cane juice (!!!), sucrose, fructose…). You have to be diligent about reading labels and really strict with yourself.

      I found the first two weeks were insanely hard – I have never craved sweets the way I craved them for those 2 weeks – and then it got suddenly easier. Making it a flat “no” made it simple, since I wasn’t bargaining with myself. Reading labels made it possible; it’s truly remarkable how much sugar is is in *everything*. There were benefits right away (I had originally started it to heal deal with hot flashes, and found it also helped with headaches) and I have done it successfully (and pretty easily) for about 6-7 years now.

      I will say it’s probably easier to go no sugar than no dairy – doing both would be hard, as there is a lot of sugar in the no-dairy “dairy” products and the packaged vegan products.

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        Wow – I would say it’s SO much easier to forgo dairy than sugar! There are just a few dairy products whereas sugar is in so many things (even reasonably healthy & wholesome things).

        1. Hellanon*

          There are “milk solids” in a lot of unexpected places as well – sausage, for instance. For me personally, foregoing dairy would be brutal, because I like butter, cheese, and whole milk in my coffee, and I really don’t like eating the gums and sugars that make up imitation dairy. With going no-sugar, I just avoid processed food in general, which is where the sugar is – but I live in California, where you can get gorgeous fruits and vegetable year round, and thus it’s also easier to eat from scratch.

    4. GirlwithaPearl*

      Check out the Whole 30 program. It’s more extreme than what you’ve proposed but probably has helpful info and great recipes for no dairy and no sugar.

      1. Ms Ida*

        I am a fan of the Whole 30 cookbook. The recipes consistently turn out well for me and are generally pretty quick.

        1. Bigglesworth*

          I’ve been looking up Whole 30 and paleo recipes. Even though they’re more extreme overall than what I’m trying to do, it’s nice to know that the recipes are safe to make. :)

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Do you enjoy cooking? It’s almost impossible to find convenient foods that don’t have added sugar. Even more “savory” things like salad dressing and bread sometimes have sugar in them. You might be thinking that you’ll be eating lots of meat or whatever, but consider how you season them and what sauces you use on them. You wouldn’t want to cook up a nice cut of meat and then realize in the moment that your favorite sauce has sugar in the ingredient list.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I love to cook! It’s a big stress reliever for me (which has been much needed since starting law school). However, a lot of my favorite recipes require sugar or dairy, so I’m having to completely revamp my recipe collection. I never thought about making my own sauces, though. I’m not a big sauce person, but my spouse loves putting sauces on everything. I’ll have to check into that.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Going sugar-free pretty much put me on a whole foods diet- fruits, veggies, meats/other protein. I eat very simple meals. It’s easier for the body to break down less ingredients and it helps the mind to function better also.

      Walk down from the sugar. Some folks have an easy time of it and for some folks it’s like coming down off a bad drug. I crashed and burned in a large way. You do get through it, though. I quit it all in one day and a few weeks later I was flat on my back. I would recommend going one meal at a time, for a few weeks just eat a sugar free breakfast. Then add a sugar free lunch and do that for a few weeks. The finally add a sugar free dinner. Walk down from it so you can continue having a life.

      For dairy replacements I have tried most milks out there and I like most of them. I avoid soy. But rice milk is good, I love coconut milk. Since I do not do well with nuts I wonder about the almond milk but it is tasty. I have even tried hemp milk, that is pretty good also. You do have to read labels because even these non-dairy milks contain added sugar.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Thanks for the idea of walking off of the sugar. I don’t normally have a major sweet tooth, but trying to go off sugar cold turkey has been extremely difficult.

        My husband is trying to quit dairy cold-turkey, but I’ll probably also use that method for dairy as well. One of our other goals is to decrease food waste, so I don’t want to throw out our butter and the cream for my coffee. But my current plan is to replace things with non-dairy alternatives as I run out. Thanks for the different ideas for good alternatives!

    7. Bigglesworth*

      A big, belated thank you to everyone who responded!!! It’s already been interesting. My sister did the Whole 30 challenge and said she started to deal with mood swings during the first 2 weeks. Come to find out, the hormones in dairy was messing with her birth control. Well, hubby thinks he has a lactose intolerance and in giving up dairy, he is now dealing with mood swings. We’ll see how it goes over the next few weeks.

  52. Dawn*

    I have mentioned this before, but now we are really getting into our moving process, and I am FREAKING OUT! We are going from basically Tacoma, Wa, to Lawton, Ok, and leaving early February. I do not drive in snow, my husband should not drive in snow, and my car is just a coupe so my 90lb dog takes up the entire backseat. We primarily have to go through Ca, and we have 6 guns that we have to transport, all legal, but Ca has wonky laws and I’m going overboard with the locks/cases. Between my panicky nature, my husband’s temper, my dog’s anxiety, and the possibility of crappy weather, this is all shaping up to be nuts. Four years ago we made it to Wa from AZ, got snowed in at a motel 6 for three days, ultimately made it, but doing this again is just causing me unending panic attacks. I hate moving in winter, and I don’t understand why we got put on a winter schedule, while the rest of the military gets to move in summer.
    I just needed to vent a little, I know the whole “it’ll be ok/ stop borrowing stress/ have faith”, but this is just so overwhelming.

    1. KR*

      I’m sorry that sounds really tough. At least moving in the winter means you won’t be moving during PCS season – hopefully there won’t be as much as a wait for housing! We moved in the winter and didn’t want at all for housing.

    2. Overeducated*

      This sounds exhausting (as moving always is, but your specifics as well)! Best wishes for a safe, hassle-free trip.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Just thinking out loud, maybe there are enough people reading here that you could have online friends all along your route. I am not sure how we would figure this out and I am not sure how people could help you. You are not near me at all, but if I knew of someone coming to my area I would certainly be willing to help as I could.

    4. Molly's Reach*

      Please, go ahead and vent! I may do a vent of my own as I am in kind of a similar situation. My partner is in the military and is getting posted from east coast to the west coast. He has to be at the new base on Feb. 15. However this is the last 5 years of his military career and we have decided that it’s not worth it for me to walk away from my job (with decent pay, pension, benefits etc) for just 5 years, when after he releases he would be coming back here anyway. Point is, I am a basket of nerves thinking of him driving across country himself at this time of year. I mean, we are grateful for the posting but it such a terrible time to move!

      Sorry I hijacked your post!

    5. Dawn*

      Our last winter move meant we had a house within a week of arrival, so it does have a positive.

      NSNR, we both know a lot of people along our route, and since we’ll probably have to take the long way to avoid snow, we get to swing by my home in Phoenix. We are strictly hotel people though, I don’t like having my dog in other people’s homes, he’s too big and drooly.

  53. Ann Furthermore*

    I posted above about Sue Grafton passing away yesterday. For anyone who was a fan of the series, and her character Kinsey Millhone, there is a picture of Sue Grafton wearing the inspiration for Kinsey’s black “all-purpose dress” on her Facebook page, shared by her daughter.

  54. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Anyone have any recs for companies that make pretty notebooks? I’m not usually a big “pretty notebook” person, but I have a couple of projects that I think would be helped by some, but I’m totally swamped by Amazon.

    Preferences: college rule (not an absolute requirement, but a strong plus), free (or at least cheap, depending on the price of the notebooks) shipping to the US and/or the UK, and I’m much more into New Age/ancient type art (like old maps or if there’s a notebook with, like, a Grecian vase design on it or something–I don’t even know what people put on notebooks these days) over flowers and patterns.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Ooh, thanks! The Safavid and Bukhara designs are gorgeous–they’re definitely going on my list of possibilities. :)

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        LOL. Not really the attitude I’m going for with this project, but I love it!

    4. So Very Anonymous*

      Chronicle Books (http://chroniclebooks.com) has a lot of pretty journals — shipping isn’t free, but if you sign up for their newsletter they have occasional discount sales which also come with free shipping.

      JetPens (http://jetpens.com) has a lot of notebooks, and lets you limit your searching by binding type, rule type, etc. Shipping is free if you spend $25 or more.

      Decomposition notebooks have lots of different designs, but I think may not be college rule. You can find them at Amazon, but to get a sense of designs available, the website is here: http://www.bookbinders.com

  55. Anono-me*

    We are looking at getting either the Amazon dot or the echo Mini. We just want it in one room so we are looking at a small one. This would primarily be for music and asking stupid questions . We currently do not have Amazon Prime all though we might get it if we got the Amazon.
    Does anyone have any advice or opinions that they would like to share?
    Thank you.

    1. periwinkle*

      I have three Dots and the regular Echo. It’s very handy to ask questions, get the weather, and control various devices. The Echo is in my home office – it has much better sound quality than the Dot, I think, and spends a lot of time playing my Pandora stations.

      We started with the devices because the nitwit who designed our house thought it would be a good idea for the switch for the kitchen light to be located around the corner in the living room. An Echo plus a WeMo light switch solved that annoyance, and it snowballed from there.

      1. Book Lover*

        Does it stand alone? I would like my kid to be able to listen to music without having access to phone/iPad. Is that an option?

        1. SC Anonibrarian*

          I would be really unhappy about having any sort of listening/monitoring device in my house, but especially in a child’s room. Those things are able to be hacked remotely and anyone could be listening in, and potentially communicating through the device. I’d want to see some legal safeguards and way more information on how breaches or privacy concerns are handled. If you just want music, I know it’s old-school, but there are still stand-alone radios, or an older laptop computer in a corner can handle I Heart Radio or Spotify or something like that.

    2. neverjaunty*

      My opinion is that I would be very leery of having an always-on microphone in your home that’s controlled by a company that refuses to explain how they use their collected data.

      That said, if you really want one of those things, the Dot is probably fine especially if you want to link it up to good speakers.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        So this came up on my Facebook page a couple of weeks ago and I didn’t realize that I have a friend who works on Alexa. She shared this info:

        So, first of all, she is always listening, but she only records when she hears the wakeword. With the information that is recorded, it gets sent to Amazon and stripped of identifying information–we don’t know who you are or where you’re from. I mean, you could say, “Alexa, I’m Joe Brown from 1234 Piscatonic Way” and we’d know who you are for that interaction, but otherwise, we don’t have a clue. And, furthermore, anything with that kind of information (and certain other kind of info, like legal issues and prescription medications) is labeled “critical data” and not used.

        And, for the most part, we also reeeeeally don’t care. We use the data to verify whether or not Alexa is working properly (if you say, “Alexa put toilet paper on the shopping list,” we want to know if she did it and, if not, what went wrong). We don’t share info with the CIA or the FBI (guess how many times those questions are asked) and, believe me, we’re waaaaaaaaaaay more likely to be traumatized by what we hear (we had to change Alexa’s programming to stop her from responding from gross, sexist comments) that you are to have important, personal data end up where it can be heard.

        Also, there’s a mute button you can push on the top that stops her from listening at all! But you have to push it again to use her.

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          That’s interesting. I’ve resisted getting any of those devices because there was such a Big Brother vie to it. thanks for sharing.

        2. SC Anonibrarian*

          I feel like some of this info is phrased in a way that can be misleading or make it sound like the data is more secure than it may actually be.

          For example: they don’t ‘share’ data with the FBI or CIA, but if they are served with a warrant, they have to give that info up, and at least one helper device company has already done so in at least one domestic violence case. I worry we’ll see cases where ICE could be involved, or cases like those people caught up in protests and charged with rioting. I’d rather have the case law and precedent for privacy solidly established in my favor first, you know?

          I’m also sure that most (and even perhaps all) of their in-house engineers don’t care two figs what info is recorded there and respect that ‘critical’ info doesn’t get used, but it IS stored, as is identifying info of some type (otherwise how would they track and correct errors?) but the concern is not (mostly) with the company (although it makes me wince to think of a bunch of engineers bro-bonding over mocking people’s kinks or sex-lives); it’s with what happens when (and it seems very likely to be when) a hacker gets in and is super thrilled to find that cache of ‘critical’ data, or figures out the hash for the anonymizing process, or figures out how to listen in real time to multiple devices, and sells that info to god-knows-who. Sure they’ll patch anything eventually, but that’s no help to whoever’s privacy has already been invaded.

          I’m not trying to be entirely a downer – they’re cool and helpful and fun. But the security considerations are very real, and I don’t think the companies are doing anyone any favors by making them seem more secure and regulated than they really are. If something goes badly wrong, the backlash from people feeling betrayed and spied-on could be intense. Or maybe not and I’m just paranoid, or a luddite.

          1. neverjaunty*

            No, being concerned about security and how large, for-profit companies use your private information is not paranoid or being a Luddite. I am sure Detective Amy Santiago’s friend doesn’t care what randos are saying to Alexa, but ‘what a given software engineer thinks’ is not ‘what Amazon thinks’, especially since they are neither open-source nor transparent about how they use gathered data.

            YMMV, of course,but you can’t really agree the benefits outweigh the potential risks if you don’t know what the potential risks are.

    3. Dan*

      I have the dot. If you want to listen to music, get the full size echo or pair it with a good speaker. The dot is terrible for music.

      I have sonos speakers for music. One thing I’m thinking about getting for my bedroom is a Sonos One speaker, which is a Play 1 speaker with a built in echo.

    4. Observer*

      A couple of thoughts. If you want to listen to music, you want the full sized Echo, not the dot. Also, if you don’t have Amazon prime anyway, look at the Google home as well.

      Look at their privacy policies and what they say they do / don’t do with your data. Both companies have been pretty good about following those policies.

      The Google home has support for multiple accounts, so you can set up an account for the kid, with limits on it. Check if Alexa has something similar.

  56. andrea*

    Looking for some post-Christmas advice. My mom gives me lots of gifts I don’t want or need, then asks about them frequently with the expectation that I will gush about how great they are. This is damaging our relationship. I really resent the emotional labor it demands from me. I would prefer to have a more genuine relationship with her. And I feel really bad about not appreciating her gifts the way she wants me to. But she has some pretty serious issues with anxiety and depression, and my approval and support has always been very important to her. I think having a direct conversation would crush her.

    Some things I have tried:
    -Giving her a list of things I would like (she mostly ignores it)
    -Suggesting we stop exchanging gifts for the holidays (she buys them anyway)
    -Gently refusing gifts she “just picked up” for me that are not tied to an occasion (this seemed to work, but instead she just went overboard at Christmastime)
    -Saying I think it’s a little rude to keep following up on gifts you’ve given to someone else (I’m not proud of this one. It was not planned, and I was irritated at the time. Anyway, it didn’t work; she still asks.)

    Does anyone else have a similar problem? How do I navigate these post-gift conversations without sounding ungrateful?

    1. fposte*

      It’s going to be tough to convince your mom not to seek validation and support from you while simultaneously achieving your goal of not crushing her. That’s usually a therapist-level job. In her head she’s the mom who gives delightful presents that people never knew they wanted.

      That being said, what about you raising this question sometime, when you’re having a comfortable conversation? “Mom, it seems really important to you please me with gifts. Which is nice, but I’ve been pretty clear about what pleases me, when you keep asking me about them I feel like you’re asking me to manage your anxiety about this. I don’t think that’s fair, and I don’t enjoy that that the way I enjoy [other thing you do with her]. What can we do about this? Could we plan instead on doing something for charity together so people who really need something can benefit from your generosity?”

      I can’t swear that you won’t get a torrent of tears about being unappreciated. If you do, I’d try the management approach of soldiering on regardless: “I know this isn’t how you’d want things, but I’d like to solve this. Are you willing to help?”

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’m sure someone will have a better way of saying this (and check out Captain Awkward), but it’s not your job to sooth her. She’s buying you gifts and harassing you because she’s sooooo worried you don’t love her. She needs to figure out how to sooth herself. Have one conversation with her that this is a huge problem for you. You need her 1. stop giving any and all gifts and 2. stop asking about past gifts. You love her, you care about her, and her behavior is driving you crazy. If she tries to give you a gift, you will refuse it and leave. If she tries to ask about past gifts, you will leave/hang up. Then going forward, do those things. Harsh? Yes. But it sounds like she needs help, and that is not your job. If she refuses to get help with her anxiety and depression, that is not your fault.

      Again, I’m crappy at saying these things. Go read captain awkward’s blog, I sure she’s got a MUCH better way of doing it.

      1. neverjaunty*

        This. Mom has a script that isn’t healthy for you to follow, and it’s not ungrateful to refuse to play a role in The Mom Anxiety Variety Show.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Amen.

          OP, I had relatives who buried us in gifts every year. This sounds great, right? Well the gifts felt like an apology for not participating in our lives during the year. “Here I never talk to you but I bought you a bunch of stuff to make up for it.”
          As the years turned into decades, the stuff piled up. It was not a joy rather it was a burden.

          My tolerance level dropped. My willingness to soften the message went away. The final straw was one year I said we have enough ornaments for three trees and we have over 50 coffee mugs, so no ornaments no mugs. I ended up with 11 ornaments and 9 mugs that year. Gloves went off, no more nicey-nicey.

          My go-to became, “We couldn’t really use it or store it so we had to donate it.”

          At some point it starts to feel like their are inflicting their will/ their thinking on us and totally disregarding our own preferences. This is rude, inconsiderate and a bunch of other things.

          If your mom feels bad because SHE did not listen to what you were saying, that is a conversation between her and her. It’s not up to you to make her feel good about herself.

    3. andrea*

      Thanks, everyone. The reminder that I am not responsible for my mom’s feeling is a relief. I think a part of me thought that responses might be more along the lines of “just smile and say thank you.” It really helps to know that I am not unreasonable or a bad person for feeling this way. I’m going to let some of the holiday craziness die down and then attempt a discussion.
      And thanks for the recommendation of Captain Awkward, too! I’m enjoying reading it.

    4. selenejmr*

      I don’t have any suggestions, but I’m dealing with something similar with my mother-in-law. We knew she was having financial issues, so when she asked what I wanted for Christmas I told her that I’d like silicone ice trays as mine have cracked. It would have been an inexpensive ($10 for 2 on amazon) and needed item. So, instead of ice trays she bought me an ingloo countertop ice maker which costs ~$90. I have no use for this. Such a waste of money.

      1. andrea*

        Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, too. Thanks for sharing – it helps to know that my family isn’t the only one.

  57. Cruciatus*

    So, it snowed so much in my U.S. city it’s made international news. And it’s still snowing. Yaaay? We’re heading for something like 70 inches since Christmas Day. I live in the snow belt and snow is common, but this is crazy. We are under a “snow emergency” which no one had ever heard of before in this region. We normally get 100″ of snow in a season (give or take) so to have this much snow in a 6 day period is crazy. The mall was closed 2 days in a row after Christmas. The mall has never been shut down before! Mail was not delivered for days. No waste pick up. They are already cancelling church services today and tomorrow. We were finally digging out the past few days but it’s on again and they don’t want people to drive around if they can help it. I’m very glad I’ve had this week off and that next week will be a little less snowier… Hopefully no power issues! I’m snowed in eating artichoke dip and the Harry Potter movies one last time on Freeform before they ditch them in 2018. I ordered some cat toys from Chewy for the first time and they were supposed to arrive today. My one cat is going crrrraaazy with cabin fever, but alas, Fed Ex is not delivering today either and I won’t get them until I’m back at work. And people who bought out all the snow blowers at the store? They can’t be delivered today either.

    1. Former Employee*

      Poor kitty, but it sounds as if you are doing ok.

      I’m concerned about some of my relatives who live in cold/snowy areas, especially the ones in Upstate NY.

      Love the irony re: the undeliverable snowblowers!

    2. Cruciatus*

      We are now at nearly 84″ (2.13 meters) in 6 days, and 120″ (3 meters) just this month alone. We did have snow in November so I’m not sure why they aren’t showing that total for the season so far (but maybe it doesn’t even matter anymore). We beat last season’s entire snow total in 6 days this season. And it can snow here until April. We’ve got a waaaaaaaays to go.

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      Are you in Erie, PA by chance? I have a friend from college who lives there, and the pictures she’s been posting are insane. I hope the snow stops soon!

      1. Cruciatus*

        Yes, indeed! It is…not snowing at the moment. But I guess all of the local schools are watching to see how things will be on Tuesday when most schools start up again. I *am* going to get out of the house today (though so many things close early for the holiday…)! But I will make it somewhere!

  58. Sarah M.*

    A few weeks ago in one of the weekend threads, someone told a story about their “rascal” 3 year old nephew setting something on fire. The story was meant to be an “aw, isn’t that cute” sort of thing. A user who was a volunteer firefighter called them out the lax supervision and fire safety displayed by whoever was supposed to be watching the child. At least one person agreed with the original poster that the story was supposed to be “cute” and not meant to harmful.

    In light of the fire in New York, where 12 people died because a 3 year old was playing with the stove (and had a history of doing so) I hope those posters have reconsidered their feelings. I was honestly floored that anyone could feel that way about a 3 year old setting a fire. I didn’t see anything cute about it and I was surprised when at least one person defended them and didn’t seem to care about the words of a firefighter who has seen the consequences of children playing with fire. It made me question whether any of them should even be around children given the lax attitude.

    At any rate, I hope they have examined their feelings and changed their minds about how “aw cute” a 3 year old child setting fires is.

    1. Starryemma*

      Those stories are funniest in retelling if they happened long ago, and no one was hurt. Obviously there’s nothing funny when people die, or it’s an ongoing problem.

    2. today's anon*

      I don’t remember that story but the NY fire is also a great reminder to close the door as you evacuate an area with fire. It seems the people who left did not and the fire basically jumped to the stairway from the open doorway and moved up pretty quickly.

      1. fposte*

        I remember staying in a hotel–not a crappy hotel, either–that tied the fire doors to the stairs open. I complained at the desk, and as it happened there was a fire alarm the night I was there. I hope they got in trouble for that.

    3. Mallory*

      Wow. My kids are 2 and 4 and are terrified of fire and have the fear of god instilled in them about touching stoves, fireplaces, etc. so much so that my 2 y/o kept saying “hot! Don’t touch!” At all the chimneys that we’re part of Christmas decorations ;).

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      I remember the story and I got the issue and all, but I think it’s a bit much to lecture people on their entire attitude to xyz because of a story they told about someone else’s child on the internet.

      1. Lissa*

        Yeah I think it’s one thing to say “whoa, that was some really lax fire safety, really make sure that doesn’t happen again” but looking at things kids/we ourselves did in the past that didn’t end up causing disasters but could’ve and laughing at it is really really normal, IMO. It’s possible to take something seriously in the moment but still tell it in a lighthearted fashion because nothing bad ended up happening, I think.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          That and these are real people who may not appreciate a conversation being started about them in this way.

    5. Mimmy*

      I never saw the post you’re referencing, but the fire in NY is so heartbreaking given the cause. I’ve never heard the advice to close doors behind you when escaping a fire, but it makes sense. Although in my rush to escape, I’m not sure closing a door would even cross my mind. I imagine that’s the case with this family.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I have been watching that news story. I was just saying to a friend how does that child cope with this once they become an adult. I cannot imagine being 3 years old and starting a fire that kills 12. I would probably go through life as a shattered/broken person. Conversely,as an adult what would I ever think of to say to that child, especially when the child becomes an adult?

      It boggles my brain.

      That is a big story in this state and there is another big story of a family of four who were brutally killed.
      My thoughts and prayers go out to all effected by these stories.

  59. Anon venting*

    My mom invited my sister and BIL along with their kids over because it’s my nephew’s 2nd b-day. Well, somehow it morphed into my BIL’s parents coming and then my sister invited BIL’s sister and her husband. This was all yesterday afternoon so my mom and I had less than 24 hours to throw together food and clean up the place. My BIL makes all of these side comments and I’m biting my tongue. BIL’s parents and his sister and her husband don’t really talk to me, so I’m trying to be a gracious hostess, but it’s awkward. They didn’t even bring anything as a hostess gift or offer to bring anything, but I guess it’s fine. I’m really not happy, but I’m trying to be. It’s nice to see everyone I guess, but it sucks. BIL’s parents had us over a few weeks ago and they assign you food to bring, plus they never have enough chairs, so we have to bring chairs. Today they just had to bring themselves! I’m really happy I’m not married because I don’t do a good job at hiding my feelings and plus I would totally say something to my in-laws. Sorry for the rant, but I needed to vent.

    1. Temperance*

      I have to say, I’m with your BIL’s parents on this one. It sounds like you were hosting the kid’s birthday party? In that case, I wouldn’t bring a hostess gift, but a gift for the kid.

      I wouldn’t go to someone’s house where I had to bring my own chairs, though!

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        I don’t know, I think it’s very weird not to a) offer to bring something or ask what they can bring – especially when their culture seems to be that people are expected to contribute something when invited to *their* house b) if not bringing a meal or party contribution, bring *something* for the hosts or in a gesture of hospitality acknowledgment. A 2 year old party is more a family gathering for adults than a kid birthday party.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I’ve had to bring my own to lawn parties and barbecues (I got a nice collapsible chair just for that), but I guess it’s weird that there’s nowhere to sit in the house. I bought a couple of tub chairs at Big Lots so people could come over and sit.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Depending on circumstances there might be times where bringing a few chairs is helpful. Especially if they are easy to move folding chairs. If people don’t have or can’t afford chairs that is not their fault. It sounds like OP did not invite all these extra people. Maybe part of the reason that she did not have enough chairs.

        1. Temperance*

          It wasn’t OP who needed the chairs, it was her BIL’s family who had OP and her mother bring chairs to an event where they were invited.

          TBH, I’m kind of weirded out by the idea of someone other than the parents of a kid hosting his birthday party.

          1. Anon venting*

            Correct- BIL’s parents needed the chairs for their party.

            Yes- it was weird to be hosting the party, but we have a house/more room and they have a very small, over-crowded apartment. Plus, it sort of turned into a party when before it was just supposed to be BIL, my sister, and two nephews coming over. (They were going “stir -crazy” according to my sister and they wanted to get the boys out of the house.) Next year, we’re having it at a restaurant- it’s just too much.

  60. ThatGirl*

    I’m 36. I’ve been married for 10 years. I’m not in touch with anyone from high school, really; I don’t wish ill of them but I don’t care that much either and I live four hours away from where I went to high school.

    All this is to say that I was very surprised when my high school boyfriend found me on Twitter a few weeks ago. I dumped him in 1999. We saw each other once after that and never since. Why on earth he decided to find me 18 years later I have no idea. The strangest thing was he followed me but didn’t say anything, until I finally messaged him. We caught up a bit, but just the one convo. Seems like he just wants to lurk and not interact. He’s not married, seems to be doing fine, I still suspect I’m the one who got away for him…

    I dunno, whole thing just seems weird and wanted to know if it seemed weird to anyone else.

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s not your thing but that it is some people’s, and therefore not automatically weird. However, if you get any “pick up where we left off” vibes that’s another matter.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      He might have just been curious. I would be. Unless it was a traumatic/abusive relationship, or he’s doing something now I wouldn’t attach sinister intentions to t.

      1. ThatGirl*

        It was in no way a traumatic relationship, very boring normal high school stuff. I did think he might still have some hang ups over me abruptly dumping him, which is a long story, but it was 18 years ago… I dunno, just seemed very out of nowhere.

    3. Starryemma*

      I tend to like having a clear barrier with exes. When my own old, year 2000 ex reached out by email, I was polite, but wrote a response that didn’t invite a reply. If he’d kept emailing I’d probably have blocked his email. For social media, I typically have a don’t accept friend requests/block policy.

      In your case I’d probably block them, if that helps (not quite sure how Twitter works with that). I just like to keep closed doors closed, and for me even though I feel rude sometimes, in my mind i just don’t want to reopen those chapters. I guess one exception was a guy is dated super briefly- we’re friends on Facebook, and that’s fine. But the other longer relationships with feelings involved, i pretty much always block.

    4. Lissa*

      Some people looooove finding old friends/SOs/teachers/whatever on the Internet and finding out what they are doing. It’s not something I do myself but I don’t think it’s weird behaviour or means anything specific. The internet just makes it so easy and some people are really into nostalgia.

    5. Jen RO*

      I check out my ex’s Facebook from time to time. We broke up amiably 10+ years ago, he’s married and I’m in an LTR… it doesn’t really mean anything, but he was a big part of my life and I am sometimes curious what he’s doing. I haven’t added him because I’m sure he would feel it’s weird…

    6. neverjaunty*

      There’s a Harvey Fierstein joke that if God wanted us to remain friends with our exes, He wouldn’t have made them such glassbowls in the first place.

      The guy doesn’t seem creepy, but you certainly don’t owe him contact. Especially since nostalgia about how a high school romance must have been The One is… not an uncommon thing in people of a certain age whose home life maybe isn’t stellar. Who needs the drama?

      1. ThatGirl*

        He’s not been creepy, or I would’ve blocked right away, but I guess I’m just curious why now and what his motivation was. I don’t really want to get into a long conversation with him though… feel like the past is the past.

        1. neverjaunty*

          If I were in a betting mood, I’d say that he’s unhappy in whatever relationship he’s in and mooning over What Might Have Been.

    7. Anon anon anon*

      I’ve had some exes find me on social media. Usually they just want to keep in touch the way you would with any old friend, but occasionally things get weird. Worst story: One sent me a PM reminiscing about a, um, PG-13 beach trip we took decades ago WHILE HIS WIFE WAS PREGNANT WITH THEIR SECOND CHILD. Literally, this guy was posting ultrasound pics and hitting up an ex for sexy chats at the same time. I blocked him. But that’s been the exception. Usually it’s just liking each other’s food pictures and stuff. But I often end up unfollowing / using the restricted setting because of all the potential for button pushing and weirdness. Catch up but don’t stay in close contact sort of thing.

  61. Melody Pond*

    Fellow knitting people! What’s your favorite type of item to knit?

    I’ve recently gotten back into knitting after 10-15 years. I did a little bit of knitting in high school, but it was only super easy garter stitch scarves, nothing more. Now I’ve purchased a decent set of interchangeable set of circular knitting needles, and I’ve been making hats (gave one to my sister for Christmas, it was a big hit). Youtube has been a big help.

    Hats are cool and all, but what I’m really excited to make is socks! I’m never happy with the socks I have, and they often don’t feel like they fit right, and I really prefer them to be made at least 90% out of fibers like wool or cotton, rather than polyester or nylon. So, making my own seems like the way to go.

    I am loving knitting! I really needed a hobby. There’s a weekly Knit Night in the community room of my condo building, and I’ve made some knitting friends – it’s perfect, because knitting can be solitary when I really want to be alone, but it can easily be social, too.

    So I’m enjoying hats, and really looking forward to making socks. What types of knitting projects do others really enjoy?

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I love socks, and I made myself a super cute pair of mittens that I’m super proud of, and right now I’m working on a tuque for someone. I also made an infinitely scarf with all different patterns and panels that I just love!

    2. Searching*

      I got back into knitting a few years ago too. Started with some hats and fingerless gloves (learned Magic Loop method, yay!). Now I love shawls! I’ve done several triangular ones, and I just started a rectangular one. This one has a lace pattern so I have to pay attention. I’ve also done a sleeveless vest (to get over my fear of cables) and I just finished a sweater that’s being blocked. I would love to try some socks, I’ve been intimidated at the thought of them for some reason.

      I must say, Youtube has opened up a whole new world in terms of learning new knitting techniques.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Isn’t youtube great?! I watched youtube videos on knitting for almost a full week before I went out and bought supplies to actually start knitting.

        You knit a sweater?! That sounds so impressive to me! Fingerless gloves, too. That sounds more intimidating to me than socks, for some reason.

        Shawls are cool looking, but I think I’m not drawn to them, because I would almost certainly never wear one. And I don’t know if I know anyone who would wear them – maybe if I did, I’d be more drawn to trying a shawl. It does seem like it would fill a similar role as a sweater, but maybe it would be easier to knit?

        Is it hard to pay attention to the more intricate patterns? I think that’s something that really worries me. I would NOT remember where I was in a pattern, if it wasn’t easy to tell, just by looking at the knitting I’d completed so far.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      Socks and dishcloths! I love making socks that fit perfectly in fun colors and patterns. Dishcloths are nice because they are quick, don’t need to be swatched, and make good presents.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Oh dishcloths! What a great idea! What kind of yarn/fibers do you use for those? Any fancy patterns, or do you usually do something fairly simple?

        1. Effie, who is wondering*

          Nylon yarn is good for anything that might get wet.

          Or you can use cheap acrylic yarn if you don’t care what happens to it :P

          I crochet but I like doing granny squares for dishcloths. Don’t know if there’s something similar in knitting?

    4. oranges & lemons*

      I usually prefer to crochet (I like amigurumi and other small projects) but for knitting, my favourite is baby sweaters–they can be more creative than adult-sized sweaters and they don’t take too much of an investment of time or materials. It is also nice to reap the reward of many photos of babies wearing cute sweaters.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Ha – yeah, if my sister and BIL get pregnant soon (they’re trying), I might have to start checking out patterns for baby stuff. I hear you on the idea that it’s a little less of an investment in time and materials. I’m going to make my first attempt at a sock in a very basic baby sock pattern, in worsted weight – just to get the idea of the structures down, without it taking a huge amount of time.

    5. Red Reader*

      Lace and cables. I have a zillion and twelve scarves and shawls that realistically I may never wear, but I love knitting lace and cables. And colorwork, too. I have a scarf that I’m VERY SLOWLY making my way through that’s double-knitted intarsia, so one side is green on orange and the other side is the same pattern, but orange on green.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Wow – lace and cables sound so scary to me right now! Which one do you think is easier to start with? I was guessing cables might be easier. The idea of lace sounds so intricate and delicate, it feels like I might mess that up easier.

        1. Red Reader*

          Cables are probably a bit easier just because you tend to use larger yarn. Cable charts are also easier to read, because you can really see where the stitches are going, especially if you get a highlighter and color your lines on the chart. I think they’re also a little bit more intuitive – basic cables have some innate rules like a cable strand won’t generally cross under two other strands in a row, it’ll alternate over-under-over-under, and you usually only do cable twists in knit stitch (not purl) and on the front side of the piece. There’s potential exceptions to either of those, but nowhere near the wiggle room that lace can have.

          But here’s the important thing to remember about knitting: it’s all just various combinations of knitting and purling. Cables are just working the stitches out of order. Lace is just creating some intentional holes with yarnovers and working two stitches together. It’s all just string, and you’ve got the scissors. Be the boss of your string. :)

    6. Windchime*

      I like color work best right now. I made a sweater last winter but never wore it because it was too warm, so I steeked it and turned it into a cardigan. (For those who don’t know, to “steek” is to cut it up the middle and then add buttons or a zipper). Now I wear that sweater all the time and I love it.

      I’m currently knitting myself a winter scarf out of some ridiculously soft alpaca/wool blend.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Wow! I’ll have to look for youtube videos on how to steek sweaters, I didn’t even know that was a thing.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      Cowls! I love knitting socks, but I can’t wear socks knit in fingering weight, so I knit lots of cowls. Moebius cowls are my favorite. They make me feel so smart, haha! I’ve knit cowls in every weight of yarn and every color of the rainbow and all of the neutrals. My favorite is a lace cowl knit out of undyed yak because it is so warm and cozy, yet delicate and pretty. Undyed yak goes with almost everything, too.

      As a bonus, I can knit a cowl in a few hours or a weekend, so they’re not a big time investment. This is important while I’m doing both things we don’t talk about on the weekend through the end of next year. I’m really looking forward to getting all of that knitting time back after graduation!

      1. Melody Pond*

        Ohh – do you use a fairly bulky yarn for the cowls you’ve been knitting?

        Also – I know socks are usually made in fingering weight, but aren’t there patterns out there for socks in bulkier weight yarn? I was thinking about that, and wondering if something made out of a worsted weight would be both 1) easier to start with, as a sock beginner, and 2) cozier/warmer/more durable.

        2. Can't Sit Still*

          My favorite yarn for fast cowls is Malabrigo Rasta. MadTosh ASAP is good, too, although it’s not as thick. I also have a couple of worsted weight moebius cowls.

          You can make socks in heavier weight yarn if you want, but they are going to be boot socks. Durability in socks comes from your gauge, not the weight of the yarn. The tighter the gauge, the longer wearing the fabric. For maximum sock life you want either a yarn reinforced with nylon, or to reinforce your heels with nylon if you’re using 100% wool or natural fiber yarn. If you want warm socks, wool is what you want. It wicks away moisture from you, while still keeping you warm. You can also try a cashmere or alpaca blend for extra warm, extra soft socks. Not everything sold as sock yarn is necessarily right for socks, though.

          But if you want to knit socks, jump in and start knitting! Almost everyone’s first sock is hilarious anyway, so think of it as practice.

    8. Aealias*

      Stuffed toys. I love that the rows change often, that you start to see completed bits really quickly, and that they’re freaking adorable in variegated sock yarns. There’s a ‘sock’ [i]giraffe[/i] pattern on revelry I flat love, and it taught me a couple of new techniques.

      I need my knitting projects to be quickly completed, or I get bored. Next to studies, I’m strictly a socks/toques/baby clothes sort of girl.

      Oh, and in the 60s-80s there were TONS of Barbie doll clothes patterns. Considering you can’t seem to buy just clothes for fashion dolls anymore, those might get you some love from children of your acquaintance.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Worst: I got a cold for Christmas

      Best: Husband got me a Weber grill for Christmas!

      Bonus: He made sure SIL didn’t bother me with her whole “woe is me” routine this Christmas. I had a rough year and didn’t want to hear her sh!t.

    2. Cruciatus*

      Best: Had this week off, though it hasn’t been a normal week because….

      Worst: Mom was in the hospital the week before Christmas and only got out the Friday before. She’s currently in Cleveland awaiting an appointment with a pulmonary specialist at the Cleveland Clinic (she left Christmas day and is staying with family there meanwhile. It’s just been me and my dad snowed in at home and he’s getting on my damn nerves!). I don’t know if she has a definitive diagnosis yet, but I keep hearing pulmonary hypertension. She smoked for 40 years (but did eventually quit) and we don’t eat a particularly healthy diet. I don’t know what it means yet or prognosis or anything like that. I feel like I’m waiting for bad news. And I already knew this, but really, really looking at the foods we eat it’s like, why does everything I like have to have so much saaaaalt! And why must I love salt so much? It’ll take time to make some adjustments (less salt wouldn’t hurt any of us). She’s restricted to like 170mg of salt per meal, and definitely not over 300mg per meal and, damn, that is harder than you’d think it is to meet. It’s in green beans. It’s in the bread. The butter. The canned tomatoes. The shrimp. If she could eat just 1 bite of everything at a meal we’d be OK but…whew. This year ended on a bad note. If anyone in your family has trouble breathing and the family doc says “We can’t get you in now, how about 3 months?” do not wait. Just f*cking go to another doctor or the emergency room right away. I don’t know if she would have been spared some of this hospital time if she hadn’t waited 5 weeks. Maybe not, but waiting wasn’t worth it anyway, that’s for sure.

      1. Cruciatus*

        If anyone has been through something similar or has any food tips or anything, I’m pretty much desperate for any help or sympathy at this point!

        1. Vincaminor*

          A cookbook I just got suggests adding acid rather than salt to perk flavour in a dish: lemon juice, red wine vinegar, cider vinegar – depending on what the food is, different vinegars make different taste combos.
          (The book is Thug Kitchen, if you care.)

          An easy step is to take the salt shaker off the table, if it usually lives there. It short circuits the automatic salting of food before you even taste it!

        2. Anono-me*

          After a family member had a serious health scare andhad togo almost 0 salt, our family decided to try to eat better and really watch the salt. Here are some of the things we started doing.

          1. Reading the back labels. The sandwich meat we used to buy had 21 % RDA per serving, the one next to it only has 8%. (Once I found the best new brand, I wrote it down on a list that I keep with my grocery bags.)

          2. Don’t assume that reduced/lower sodium/salt means low sodium/salt. The reduced sodium version of our old spaghetti sauce still had way more salt than another brand’s regular version.

          3. Cookng without salt, using other seasonings liberally (Ms Dash, garlic, lime juice ect.) when cooking. Then letting people salt the food once it is on the plate. I don’t remember the details, but as I understand it,
          something about the way salt binds with food in the cooking process means that you need more salt for the same amount of salt flavor if you add salt while cooking as opposed to adding it at the end.

          4. When we can, we bake a roast/chickens/turkey on the weekend for sandwiches etc for the work week. Sandwich meat and rotisserie chicken have ridiculous amounts of salt.

          5. Most vegetables cook really well in the microwave. Rinse well, do NOT dry, put in a microwave safe bowl, cover with plastic wrap, put it in the microwave and push the vegetable button. Just remember to be careful of the steam when taking the plastic wrap off.

          6. We ask if a restaurant has low sodium recommendations. (And when possible, we check websites beforehand.)

          7. Popcorn, lots and lots of popcorn. Airpoped or the salt free microwave popcorn is a great substitute for chips.

          8. We avoid the fine grain table salt at the table, it pours out super fast. (A little bit of a ‘fancy’ salt seems more satisfying to me than a larger amount of table salt. )

          9. We use lime juice to ‘brighten’ flavor in lots of foods, where previously we used salt.

          It took a few weeks, before food stoped tasting like it NEEDED salt. Now what used to be my favorite potato chip is too salty to eat.

          Good luck to you and your family with cutting back on the salt. And good wishes for your mom.

      2. Enough*

        For vegetables use plain frozen ones. And when cooking try not to add any salt or use less. Do as much cooking from scratch as you can and stay away from processed foods. I also was a big salter. I used to salt ham and suck on salt tablets.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Frozen, yes. They have less salt and taste much better than canned, and they are usually more nutritious than fresh because they freeze them at their peak so they don’t lose nutrients.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        If you have to use salt, use sea salt.

        Everything either has sugar or salt. The two go hand-in-hand, as the more sugar we eat the more salt we are apt to crave. It seems if they remove sugar from a product then they add tons of salt.

      4. Ann Furthermore*

        For canned stuff (tomatoes, beans, etc), buy the stuff with no salt added. You can add salt to taste, and still come out way, way ahead on the sodium content.

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      Worst – I guess the run in with a road rage maniac. (Not literally thank god)

      Best – tbd

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Wait wait no the flight to Cali was worst. Plane had to refuel due to inclement weather…annoying but understandable. But once we got there, they overfueled the plane and they were going to add on an extra hour of travel time before we reach our destination. Then once we were leaving the plane, there was an accident in the front and everyone had to turn around and exit through the rear. Worst flight I’ve had in eons.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: I’ve had a really nice week! (First time in years that I can say I’ve had a truly lovely Christmas holiday.) Lots of long happy times with good people and some staying in bed watching TV. Since visiting friends left earlier I’ve flopped on the sofa and am finally watching through the Handmaid’s Tale episodes I recorded ages ago.

      Worst: nothing in particular.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      Best: Getting my flat back all to myself after two weeks of acting as an office for an internet-less sibling.

      Worst: Hitting a cat with my car and having to have it put down by the vet.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Best: Finally on the road to recovery. Made a batch of pea soup in the Instant Pot. Laundry getting done. House clean enough. In flannel pajamas, warm house, pile of books and I don’t have to physically be anywhere until Tuesday.

        Worst: Rising anxiety about the thing that we do not name on weekends. Made a to-do list. Gave myself permission to start prepping for Tuesday tomorrow.

    6. Ruffingit*

      WORST: The flu and a tragic incident over the holidays.

      BEST: Got a new job so now have a week off to look forward to between gigs.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      WORST: Thing-we-do-not-name-on-weekends rejection. Also some heartache and resultant frustration.

      BEST: Had a decent Christmas with family; also it snowed but not too much.

    8. Ann Furthermore*

      Best: Had a lovely Christmas with my family, and we pulled off Santa for another year. My 8 year old is still all in.

      Worst: I posted above about my cousin who is now in hospice at home. We aren’t that close, but the whole thing is just so unfair.

    9. Woodswoman*

      Best: Oohing and ahhing and taking photos of some of the two million ducks, geese, sandhill cranes, birds of prey, etc. that winter in wildlife refuges in California’s Central Valley. I love this time of year when they’re here.

      Worst: Can’t think of something, so that’s a good thing.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Best – Godd Christmas holiday with family

        Worst – The interest on my savings is calculated on an annual basis, and it hardly seems worth it!

  63. Former Employee*

    My take is that since this gathering was a party for the child’s 2nd birthday, his mother and father didn’t want to leave out his relatives on his father’s side of the family.

    It appears that your mother is a better hostess than his other grandmother, especially with your help. I would not want to be invited for dinner and then find out that it’s really a potluck, which I see as a bit of a bait and switch. I think your mom has the right idea when it comes to hosting.

  64. Loopy*

    What is your favorite organizational product? I have come to terms with the fact I like having some amount of stuff in my life. I am not a minimalist. I will never be able to live in a tiny home. But I want my house to feel neater and less cluttered. Looking for products that allows stuff to be accessible as opposed to tucked far away in an attic or under a bed (thinking of things that would look okay in a room as opposed to those giant plastic bins).

    ALSO- very very welcome are suggestions for kitchen organization!!! Tupperware, pots, pans. Ack!

    1. DietCokeHead*

      So for kitchen organizing, I love those little wire shelves. I hate having things stacked and then having to dig something out from the bottom of the stack. So I buy wire shelves and then use them to create more areas for putting things like cookie sheets above my pots and pans. I hope that makes sense.

      1. Loopy*

        If you have time, could you link to a picture? I’l definitely going to be browsing Amazon, but I get overwhelmed when I type in vague things and get a bajillion results :)

          1. Loopy*

            Ohhhh! Thanks! Never would have found those! It’s definitely on my list for when I tackle the post and pans cabinet!!

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I like little glass jars for things like paper clips and push pins as they look nice and keep them away from the cat.

      1. Loopy*

        We have tons of misc. things on our counters cluttering them up- I like this idea! Jars are easy to come by.

              1. Loopy*

                We had tons of miscellaneous bowls with wrapped candy in them as well as a basket with various things thrown in and it looks so much nicer in a line of jars. The bowls weren’t decorative or the same shape or anything!

    3. fposte*

      Pots and pans are just plain hard. I have a horizontal stacking rack for skillet-type pans and a vertical storage rack for lids. For freezer containers, they live in a drawer, with small plastic storage baskets to hold the smaller containers and their lids. I also use lightweight standalone freezer “drawers” to hold small cups on high shelves, so I can just pull the the drawer forward and take my cup out rather than clambering up every time. I’m currently considering a redo of my spice cabinet–I have one little plastic basket that holds all the spices for the chili I make regularly, and I realized a lot of my stuff is herbs I buy fresh anyway, so I might dump a bunch of stuff and move to the themed plastic basket approach with labels (I love labels) throughout.

      But my favorite storage development this year was getting bright colored rewashable plastic kiddie cups for grouping dinky stuff and toothpaste in my medicine cabinet. I have a lot of dropper bottles and tubelike things that scamper around in there like teeny mice, and I am so pleased to see a row of little cups instead.

      1. Loopy*

        Our pots and pans cabinet is the bane of my existence! I saw the skillet rack thing just this morning on Amazon! But we have just as many misc things like pots and woks and glass casserole dishes down there too. I’ll need to take a combo approach!

        I was excited for the cups idea until I remembered- my bathroom doesn’t have a medicine cabinet and THAT’s why everything ends up on my bathroom counters. :( I want a medicine cabinet.

    4. It happens*

      Browse the container store website for ideas. The site is organized by storage need- it’s a black hole of little things you never knew you needed. And then you realize maybe you don’t need all the stuff you’re trying to find a place for…
      I am a big fan of the wire shelves referenced above – even in the fridge as well as pull out drawers in my deep cabinets.
      For the other stuff, umbro makes foldable bins that aren’t an eyesore. I also have a wire cubby-like thing by my front door with baskets for shoes, purses, scarves, etc.
      Have fun organizing!

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My favorite organizational tool is my label maker. I love it more than is reasonable. I label everything. Other things – stackable baskets/bins with lids, back-of-the door storage systems, hooks, and using small containers to organize drawers. Specifically for the kitchen, I love the horizontal stacking racks that fposte mentioned and stacking shelf dividers -basically anything that allows me to store stuff on top of other stuff without having to move everything anytime I want to get something. Also lazy susans (turntables) and clear storage containers (once something is opened, it is decanted into a container). And Pinterest, for ideas. I like to put the fun in functional, so my organizational supplies tend to colorful and patterned when at all possible.

      1. fposte*

        I am also a lover of a labelmaker. I did some labeling of basement storage over the break–it was extremely satisfying.

      2. Rookie Manager*

        I love our label maker! I laughed when my mum got here but now I get it. I’m naturally messy/lazy but houseproud and having a named home for things makes tidying easier. Also we label plugs in extention cords so it’s easy to work out what plug relates to what device.

      3. Loopy*

        It’s definitely not something I would have thought of but I know they can be pretty cheap so I’ll have to look into one!

      4. Not So NewReader*

        My label maker is my motivational tool. I see the nice neat labels and I want to put things where they belong.

    6. Theodoric of York*

      A bit off topic; I have no specific products to recommend. I am also a fan of neatness, and have discovered a strategy called “caching” from computer science and other fields of knowledge.

      It’s likely that you use the same 20% of your cooking equipment for 80% of your tasks. Make sure the popular 20% is put in the most accessible spots, despite the fact that it might break the artistic arrangement of storing like things together. I find that as long as I can easily get to the stuff I use the most, the organization of the remainder doesn’t matter very much.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I’ve never heard of that notion, and it’s really conceptually useful. It is also a good way to make it sound like there’s science behind my keeping several of my pans sitting on top of my stove :-).

    7. Red Reader*

      I have a truly absurd number of small kitchen appliances. (I have ten crockpots. Don’t judge me, haha – Hagrid and Maxime, Fred and George, and Ginny all get used often enough that they have names.) One whole wall of my dining room is lined with Ikea Kallax shelves – 13” cubes that are great for storing things like that without taking up too much space.

        1. Red Reader*

          Pretty much all the furniture in my home office is either Kallax or Ikea’s Billy too. I’m actually about to pop out and pick up one more this afternoon, hah. I’m really bad with out-of-sight-out-of-mind, so open shelves are best for me in terms of organization, but I can also add a variety of inserts to the Kallaxes, they have drawers and cupboard door fronts and extra shelves of a variety of types and boxes and baskets and all kinds of options. I also just generally like the repeated-squares aesthetic, it makes an otherwise cluttered space look slightly less cluttered to me :)

    8. Lcsa99*

      This is gonna sound crazy, but one of our favorite things for organizing the kitchen is a vertical file organizer. One of those with 4 or 5 slots that sits on your desk. We are using it for our cookie sheets and cooling racks and it makes everything so much more accessible.

      2. Loopy*

        That would also prevent the awful clanging when I have to root around where we have them all horizontally! The dog (and anyone sleeping) will be so grateful!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      This is a stupid little thing that I adore. I got a special holder for my canister vac hose. Years ago, the hose flopped all over in the cupboard. I could not pull out a broom with out fighting with the darn hose. I bought a cheap holder that looks something like an inverted U. I loved it so much that when it finally broke, I bought a newer, more high quality one. My utility cupboard is small so this makes a huge difference in ease of use of that cupboard.

  65. Mallory*

    This is a heavy post.

    My sister is an alcoholic, and bipolar. She received both diagnoses about 5 years ago at age 26 when she had a full on mental breakdown. The bipolar is less relevant to this story, except (1) as context for some of the tiptoe-Ing we’ve done over the past few years as she came to terms with her dx and (2) because her bipolar meds are very relevant to the story but basically non-negotiable.

    So she can’t drink on the meds. Also, she’s an alcoholic and once she a.m. drinks, she binges. On Christmas Eve, she drank at our Christmas Eve holiday gathering at my 92 year old geandnother’s house, with my young children present. She went from sober to black-out-passed-out-took-3-minutes-to-rouse her in about 45 minutes. She grabbed my (young-toddler and 4) kids and wouldn’t let them go (it wasn’t intended as violent, it was more like a super drunk and slurry “I love you so much” with way too tight squeezing and shaking because she had no idea what she was doing). My husband had to pry my crying children out of her arms.

    Then she fell off a chair and passed out, hitting my 92 y/o grandmother’s walker and knocking it and everything on it with it. She was so passed out we were afraid for a minute she stopped breathing.

    We roused her, it took 3 men to get her into a car where initially my parents were going to take her to their house to sober up. Well, that went downhill fast as she woke up and got extremely violent as we were trying to buckle her in. I would have called an ambulance/the police, but my parents really wanted to drive her themselves (mom driving, dad in back with sister).

    I got my kids and my husband packed up, drove my dad’s car back to his house where he and my mom never made it with my sister, because she got so violent that they had to divert and they took her to the ER. She spent the night there, my parents with her until 2am when they were told it was basically just extreme drunkneness accelerated by the meds she’s on.

    So,my question really boils down to this: can someone like this ever be trusted anywhere near children? I told her no way no how was she coming to my home for Christmas Day as scheduled, and my dad stayed with her because (a) he is a sucker (b) he feared she’d harm herself or drink again (c) he was physically exhausted from restraining her for 30 minutes the night before. He’s 65, not exactly in peak shape.

    But my husband and I talked it out, and even if she gets sober (again) and stays sober (again), what happens if she decides to have a drink and the kids are around? We know one drink = binge drinking, and we know that her meds make her way, way more drunk acting than a typical person. Obviously, my young kids won’t be allowed near her for some time. But I’m wondering when -if ever- that might be okay.

    It’s so, so sad because years ago, she and her since-separated husband (who is an angel) were my kids’ guardians in case something happened. They have a good relationship. But I just can’t wrap my head around the behavior we saw on Christmas Eve. I never want my kids anywhere near that, at any age. In fact, I told my sister I’d call the ambulance or police immediately next time I saw anything like that, and she can rot in jail/the ER.

    she does have a husband, but she left him last year. He pays for everything, but she lives separately. He and my family are very close (he actually came over for Christmas) and all want to see my sister well, but it’s just so hard.

    1. fposte*

      That sounds like a tough Christmas, Mallory; I’m sorry.

      I think it’s a personal/parental call. I personally wouldn’t allow her unsupervised around kids under 12 until she has a few years straight of sobriety, and I wouldn’t think ill of anybody who simply said no unsupervised contact until the kids are old enough to get themselves home. Near children where other adults are, though, is a different matter; I wouldn’t ban a currently sober person from the mere presence of children just out of fear of a relapse.

      1. Mallory*

        Thing is, her relapse in Christmas Eve was *so bad*. She was trying to kill my dad in the back of the car. Luckily he is just physically bigger than her and could restrain her, but he ended up bruised and cut up.

        If it were just blackout drunkenness, I’d feel differently. I was personally terrified by her behavior and never want to see it again. She was like someone on a violent PCP bender, like you see in the movies. She’s only 135lbs so it’s not as bad but she is strong, nasty, and she was VIOLENT.

        She’d previously been sober for years. Nobody saw this coming.

        1. fposte*

          That sounds like we might be talking not just about the kids’ exposure to her but yours. I think you absolutely have the prerogative to say that your sister isn’t under control, and she’s dangerous, and you don’t want to be exposed to that.

          I also think it sounds like you’re for a firmer line than your parents here. I’m on your side with that, but if you want your kids to have no exposure to your sister ever, is that something you expect your parents to be able to honor too?

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          How did she react on discharge and since? Because if she’s mortified and absolutely committed to not messing up, my advice would be for occasional family gatherings with many adults present while she rebuilds trust. If there’s any “the problem is that everyone else has hang-ups,” then I’m solidly on you put on your air mask, you put on your kids’, you do what you need to to take care of them, then yourself, then your husband, then your parents and outward.

          (I am taking “no unsupervised care of your kids” for granted from the way you describe it–I did this for a relative who was miles below this, but thin-tempered. Never made a “thing” of it, I just made sure it didn’t happen.)

          PS: I dealt with a drunk relative by taking my small kids off to play elsewhere when the slurring started. But that was reliably after dinner and confined to the dining room table–this person wasn’t going to pursue us, or insist that the toddler come up with a response to ‘Whadya gon’ do abou’, abou’…. abou’ LIFE?!!! *fist pounds table*’

          1. neverjaunty*

            Respectfully disagree. There’s no way Mallory can guarantee she will be able to watch the kids every single second Sis is around, and what if she gets violent again? She can rebuild trust on her own, around adults only, until she’s safe.

            1. Colette*

              It sounds like the violence is directly related to the drinking, so a reasonable boundary might be “sister picks up a drink and we leave”. Assuming we’re talking about small family gatherings, it seems like it should be possible to notice alcohol consumption before she is drunk and out of control.

          2. Windchime*

            The thing is, I have a sister like Mallory’s and she is almost always mortified after these incidents. There have been many over the years, and I’m tired of her apologies and assurances that it will never happen again. She truly means it, until she does it again and drags us all through hell. So her mortified apologies are meaningless to me at this point.

    2. bunniferous*

      Sadly many people with bipolar selfmedicate with alcohol and yes, the meds contraindicate that. That said, being bipolar does not excuse her from making bad choices and dealing with consequences. Loving firm consequences may be the absolute best thing for her.

      Yes, shelter the kids from this but if at all possible do not cut your own ties unless necessary. Good social support systems are crucial for people dealing with her illness. But yeah, that does not mean you need to take any crap either. This is hard. I hope she is in therapy along with having pdoc appointments (the latter is basically just a med dispenser these days.)

      1. Mallory*

        She’s been in therapy but is going to a new therapist plus rehab (again).

        This was so, so bad in terms of violence and just general chaos/disruption (again, not just blackout inappropriately drunk, but assaulting people, needing restraints at the ER, the works). She could have easily killed my parents in a car accident (as it is they drove off the road), and just got lucky. When she called the next day, I straight up told her I’d lock her in a garage until the police came for her if I ever saw that behavior again.

        Her biggest supporter is her husband, who she left, and my mom, whi she walks all over. I’m distancing myself until she’s done with her 90 day rehab, at which point I’m ok seeing her, but I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d want my kids near her. Which is so sad and awful! But she could drink at literally any time and when she does it’s like the equivalent of an allergic reaction, but she gets extremely violent.

        1. ..Kat..*

          If you keep power tools and gardening tools in the garage, I recommend locking her out of the house and calling the police.

    3. Loopy*

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree that this is a very very very personal decision. However, I grew up with an alcoholic parent and I wanted to gently suggest supervision. I had one incident that has stayed in my memory clearly 25 years now, where the drunken parent had no concept of hurting me, they thought were just having fun.

      This person wasn’t angry or meaning to be violent, but what was just a fun game to them (because they were so drunk) was painful for me (think things like giving a child “indian sunburns”- not sure what these are called in a non offensive manner, so my apologies for even using it. This was what parent called where you twist the arm to make skin very red- horrible term). I don’t want to scare you but since perception can be so skewed, I’d consider supervision very seriously myself. Even happy drunks can get into lots of trouble where kids can be hurt. My parent wasn’t typically violent and loved me very much- but the alcoholism put me in some bad situations whether they meant to or not.

      Again, I hope you have a great support system and some distance that you can take when you need it. I lived with a severe alcoholic growing up and I know how draining and upsetting and heartbreaking it can be.

      1. Mallory*

        Oh, I am having trouble even wrapping my head around supervised time together. We were really lucky nobody got seriously hurt on Christmas- children and adults alike.

        Part of why I posted is that at this point, I can’t even see myself leaving a 16 year old alone with her (I don’t have one of those yet!). What if they’re out at Aunt has a drink in public? Last time that happened (4 years ago) she was handcuffed and taken into custody because her “one drink” at a casino turned into 8 which mixed with her meds and she started fights, hit another patron, and fought with the security team. Then her husband took her home where she tried to assault him (mad he ruined her fun/had no idea what she was doing) and he pinned her down until she fell asleep exhausted. She woke up to a husband with a black eye covered in scratches and no memeory of leaving the casino.

        We didn’t know about that episode until Husband told us after this incident.

        My mom got some of this one on video, namely the parts where she was telling my dad she wanted to “r*pe the $hit” out of him and many other choice things, while she kept trying to choke him and said “I wish I had a knife, I’d slit your throat and let the blood ruin these stupid seats.”

        Can you imagine a 16 year old dealing with any part of that?!

        1. fposte*

          I can’t imagine anybody dealing with any part of that. But I also think that if you know what she’s up to and she’s sober and reliable on her medication for the intervening twelve straight years, that’s a whole different question. (It still doesn’t have to mean the answer is yes, of course.)

          But you don’t have to make any decision right now about what you’re going to do with your sixteen-year-old, or with you in ten years. It’s perfectly reasonable to say “Right now, we’re not going to be able to include Sister in our lives and the kids’ lives, and Mom and Dad, we can only let you have the kids if we can trust that you’ll respect that” and then decide whether to change that in a decade, or never decide to change it at all. I think this has understandably shaken you to the core and made you afraid, but there’s nothing legally binding or deadline-sensitive about a decision you and your spouse make that means a lifetime policy has to be written in stone right now. You’ve got enough to worry about without that.

        2. Loopy*

          Ah sorry I wasn’t clear. In my head I meant kind of at minimum, if you absolutely *have* to have kids around her, make sure they are supervised.

          But yes, in the current state- I wouldn’t put kids through that. At all. Period. I think fposte said it better than I could, so I will just agree with that post.

        3. AcademiaNut*

          I think that not having the kids alone with her will have to be a hard limit, until they are adults and can make that decision themselves. Honestly, for the time being, I’d keep her away from the kids completely – with a toddler and four years old what they’re going to understand is that someone is being really scary and hurting them, and the adults they trust are scared too.

          As the kids get older, I think it will be important to talk to them about their aunt’s problems, in an age appropriate way. Basically, that you love her because she’s your sister, but she has problems with alcohol that make her behave dangerously, so you have to be careful about how you interact with her, and you can’t trust her.

          For your own interactions with her – I’d be inclined to keep it to alcohol free events. If it’s at someone’s home, the alcohol is locked up and the key kept physically on someone, no-one else drinks, and she’s checked for alcohol when she visits. Or you meet at a place like a coffee shop, or a restaurant without a liquor license, so she can’t make that critical decision to have the first drink. After a few years, when the kids are older, you can re-evaluate socializing with her when the kids are present.

          And in the future, if you’re in a similar situation, feel free to over-ride your parents and call the appropriate authorities, rather than having them risk their lives trying to control her. It might be worth talking with the police or emergency services for advice on the most useful/safest approach if it happens again.

    4. It happens*

      I am so sorry. This is a horrible situation for all of you. I don’t think you need to apologize for not wanting her to be alone with your children. Full stop.
      For the advice, you said that she and her husband are the designated guardians in case something happens to you and your husband. Fix that.
      It sounds like your parents need some support as well, perhaps the rehab place can recommend a group to attend to help deal with the situation.
      Again, so sorry.

    5. Temperance*

      You don’t have to allow her near your kids, ever. You don’t have to spend time with her, either. She sounds like a terrifying, unsafe person to be around. (I have a mentally ill parent who regularly had big meltdowns, so I have experience this both as a child and as an adult watching her act like a freaking scary ass toddler in front of other kids.)

      You don’t have to make any decisions right now about when she might be allowed near your little ones. It’s a conversation you and your husband are going to probably have to have over and over again, unfortunately. Expect your parents to put her first, though … because that’s how this works. Expect your husband to care about your kids above all else (which is ideal!), and for some frustration from your parents.

    6. Theodoric of York*

      Yow. The whole situation sounds so screwed up. You have my sympathy.

      My thought is that the kids’ safety comes first. Do not allow your sister anywhere near them. Do not take them anywhere your sister is likely show up. If she does make a surprise entrance, say at your parents’ house, gather your family and leave. Just let everyone know your terms and stick to them. Don’t let embarrassment stop you. The only way your kids don’t get hurt is if they’re not present.

      Your sister can try to regain your trust over time by showing better behavior.

    7. Cristina in England*

      That’s sounds so scary, I’m sorry you and your family went through that.

      You can love and support your sister without seeing her in person, it sounds like that’s the safest route for now. You don’t have to say you’ll never see her again if you don’t want to, but you’ve stressed just how unexpected and how bad her relapse was. I hear you saying that the risk of what she could do with one drink, combined with the unexpectedness of her relapse make it really scary and stressful to plan on seeing her or plan on ever letting your kids see her. You just do not know that it will not happen again, nor can you ever feel secure or safe near her. Your assessment is sound, and it may be sad but you’re right to protect your kids and yourself as best you can around her—at the very least until she is not on meds that are contraindicated with alcohol (don’t know if alternative meds exist for bipolar disorder but this is a reasonable stance given the side effects). If she can’t be trusted with alcohol, then don’t go near her while she is on meds that are contraindicated with alcohol. But as I said at the start, if you want to you can support her as much as you want by phone/email/FaceTime/Skype. It isn’t all or nothing unless you would feel more comfortable with that.

    8. JenM*

      This is such a sad situation. Personally speaking no, I wouldn’t leave her near my children again. Not until she’d been sober for a very long time.

      I will say however that your father isn’t a “sucker”. He’s a parent. How you feel about your children now, how protective you are – that’s how he feels about your sister.

    9. Big City Woman*

      I’d say her alcoholism is what needs to be addressed. If there is someone she knows and trusts who is in AA, maybe they could take her to a meeting with them?

      I have a friend who is bi-polar and he is very diligent about not drinking because of his meds. Once in a while, he will have a hard cider with a low alcohol content, but never more than two drinks of that. He told me he used to drink more heavily until he learned that the meds he takes could potentially affect his liver, and so he doesn’t want to exacerbate that possibility with drinking. He does smoke pot every now and then, but that just makes him mellow. He knows his limits and respects them, basically. He disciplines himself the best he can, with an occasional indulgence, but he is never out of control. All in all, he is someone I trust completely. His being bi-polar has never been an issue, even during moments of being slightly manic. I’ve had him apartment-sit when I went away because I know he’s reliable and honest. So, it is possible for your sister to turn it around if she addresses the drinking and makes it a priority to take care of herself.

      1. Mallory*

        She’s done AA, been through the program, had been sober 5 years until she…wasn’t. And here we are. But she’s back at meetings, because you are correct that this is an alcohol problem. The only reason her other dx is relevant is because of the way the medication escalates her reaction to alcohol—and because it’s a non-negotiable medication.

        1. Observer*

          The one thing I would do is refuse to attend any event where she and alcohol are both going to be present, even without the kids.

          She’s clearly someone who can never be around alcohol. If your parents want her at an event, they are going to have to make that event alcohol free. Guests won’t like it? Well, I suspect that anyone would take a “dry” event over this kind of melt down.

    10. Red*

      I’m going to answer this question, but my perspective is not that of a parent. It’s that of someone with diagnosed bipolar disorder who has psychotic episodes and makes terrible decisions and is on meds that do not mix well with alcohol. Make your boundaries and stand by them until you see a reason to change them. She will never realize the gravity of the situation while she is being protected from it. So, if your boundary is that you will not see her or let your children do so for quite some time, let her know and let her know exactly why. I really do wish the best for her, you, and your children. This all sounds absolutely terrifying, and I hope that she gets the help she needs, you your family get the safety you need, and you all live happy lives.

    11. Windchime*

      Mallory, this is almost exactly like my Christmas from last year. I also have a sister who mixes psych meds and painkillers with alcohol. There were no children for her to mistreat or frighten (thank god), but she made the night of the 23rd a living hell for all of us. The cops were called twice, there was screaming and shoving and tears, plus some moments where she was nearly passed out one moment and wildly out of control the next. It was horrible.

      I still haven’t spoken to her, and it’s been over a year. I just feel like she has done this over and over and over again and she has held the family emotionally hostage for so long. I cannot take it any longer. My adult kids don’t want anything to do with her and the family dogs are all afraid of her.

      My opinion is that you should trust your gut on this. It sounds like you have taken a firm stance with regards to calling the police or ambulance next time. When this happened in the past, my (then teenaged) kids were worried about what to do if she should start being out of control and I told them that they should call for police or medical help, just like they would do for any other human being who was in trouble. I feel that way now; if she pulls this crap again, I will call for medical help but that’s it. I will no longer be a hostage to her any longer.

      I’m sorry this happened. It’s so hard on the whole family when there is a member who refuses to participate in their own well being.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed times 100.

        While I can have much compassion for people’s difficulties, I draw the line at endangerment. This is a person who is dangerous to be around, period.
        I spent many years working with people will all types of disabilities. It got violent. Sometimes often. And I also have personal experience stories from private life.

        Using myself as an example, I would say that I do not have the qualifications to help your sis when she is in crisis. You can say this,too. We can’t diagnose and we can’t dispense meds, we don’t have the quals.
        It has to be bumped up to professionals when she is in crisis.

        Because of Life!, I tend to draw that hard black line. In my opinion, it’s totally logical not to allow the kids near her with OR without you. Since your parents allow her around AND since your parents do not seem to be able to control her then it becomes logical to set limits for where your parents can see your children. (At your house, with no sis, might be a good boundary.)

        Your question about the 16 year old. I am an middle aged adult and there are people I do not want to be near because of their unsafe behaviors. I see nothing wrong with telling your teen, “You and I are not safe around this person, so we keep our distance.” Of course with an older child an expanded explanation is appropriate, you can explain that certain scripts when mixed with alcohol do terrible things to a person’s mind. And you can explain that you still love her.

        This is heart-wrenching stuff. And it will impact your worldview in the long run, because that is how deep these events and related decisions effect us.

        My parents protected me from some adults. Some of that protection was probably overkill, but some of it was the exact correct thing to do. They explained why they wanted me to stay away and I could see that they themselves did the same. So I tended to follow their lead.

        I am very sorry this happened to you. I have my own version of your story and it has been over 20 years. This person is still not back in my life. I have not seen any changes in her. My heart aches for you and me.

    13. Dan*

      My ex-MIL was quite a lot like your sister. The first time I tried to meet her, we had to try visiting three days in a row because the first two days she was drunk and in no position to go anywhere. When that woman drank, she was often mean and evil. It’s unreal.

      When we got married a year later (short engagement/dating period) my ex-MIL missed her flight out to the family dinner two nights before the wedding. My ex-wife and my parents were out having dinner. My ex-MIL was expected to arrive that evening, but not join us for dinner. However, as dinner went on, my ex got more and more anxious. “What’s the big deal?” “I haven’t heard from mom.” So what, I asked? What’s the worst that could happen? “That mom got drunk at the airport and missed the flight.” And why would you think this? “It’s happened before.”

      Other family of hers started to trickle in that evening, but still no word from mom. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me. I called the airline who confirmed she never got on the flight. Next call I made was to the airport police department. Sure enough, mom got drunk at the airport and ended up in police custody. They let her go after sobering up — and she made it out the next day.

      My ex-MIL died last year at 62. I don’t know the particulars, as my ex and I split up 4 years ago.

      Also, one of the momentos I have from the wedding is my MIL’s mugshot from that night — it can be found of mugshots.com.

      All that said, we all have to set boundaries and protect those who we are responsible. When it comes to severe alcoholism, you’ll never find me criticizing whatever line you want to draw. We all have to what we have to do, and so long as you can live with your decisions, then the cards fall where they do.

    14. JKP*

      When it’s an event with other people, like the Christmas party, is there a way to set a boundary while she’s still sober? Like tell her when she’s first invited that she’s not allowed to have any drinks at all or she’ll be asked to leave immediately and if she refuses to leave, police will be called to have her removed? Then she can decide while sober whether she wants to come to the party with those rules or not. And then have someone supervising the bar, so she can’t sneak any drinks.

      1. Temperance*

        That would require everyone to walk on eggshells and be hyper-vigilant in order to include someone who is highly unstable and unpleasant to be around. You can’t rationalize with someone who is irrational. She’d probably just bring her own liquor.

    15. Ann Furthermore*

      I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

      My brother was an alcoholic all of his life (he passed away in 2014). He and I were estranged for about 10 years before he died, because of the things he did and choices he made. The last straw was when I had to be the bitch and tell my parents that he’d been manipulating and deceiving them yet again, and they were crushed, particularly my father. That was it for me. I was civil to him for my parents’ sake, but other than that, we were done.

      My parents had issues with alcohol when I was young, and my husband’s father did too. We both felt very strongly that we didn’t want our kids being around people who were perpetually drunk, and I made it very, very clear to my family that if my brother showed up at our house for any family gatherings, and he was visibly drunk, he would not be welcome and we would not let him into our home. He could wait in the car, take a cab home, or whatever — I really didn’t care.

      Don’t feel bad about putting your foot down. Your kids should not have to put up with any dangerous or destructive behavior from your sister just because your family doesn’t want to upset her.

  66. Nervous Accountant*

    I’m on “vacation” yet I feel miserable right now. I haven’t even organized my thoughts well. Hopefully I’ll shake this off and have nice memories to look back on.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Thank u! It’s shaken off now thank goodness. Good company and little subsequent alone time doing “boring” stuff (I call it my “me time”) helped a lot!

  67. Overeducated*

    Anyone else feeling the post-holiday blues already? I’m not back to work until Tuesday, but the car is packed to head south from my snowy hometown back to the city. I’ll miss family, losing track of time, luxuries like laundry and a dishwasher (traded off those things for a cheap apartment less than an hour commute from work), and spending all day with my kid. Since job changes may come in the near future and I will have to start accruing leave from 0 again, time also just stretches out with no vacations in sight for who knows how long.

    Grateful to have things and people to miss, but still…what kinds of things do you look forward to to get through the months after holidays.

    1. LazyGirl*

      Seed catalogs are what I look forward to in the new year,

      January is also a good time to browse cookbooks and blogs and try some new recipes. I got a head start this year with low carb ginger snaps and diablo cookies.

      Chin up! :)

    2. JenM*

      I’ll miss the Christmas lights. There’s a reason there’s always been a celebration of light in winter. January is so dreary without them.

    3. Ruffingit*

      Plan some weekend trips. Day trips or just something fun like botanical gardens in the spring or a waterpark visit when it starts to warm up. Not all vacations have to be long and out of town even. Just toss some weekend things on the calendar that will give you something fun to look forward to.

    5. Clever Name*

      I have the “I just dropped off my son with his dad” blues. :( We didn’t do anything especially amazing for the holidays, and there was a lot of just hanging around, but it was nice to be with him while I had the week off.

  68. DietCokeHead*

    I need some advice or some commiseration on husbands and doctors. My husband has not had a primary care physician since he was in high school and it really bothers me. I want him to have a long and healthy life. I’ve been asking him to select a doctor and go for an annual checkup for years now. Nothing I say works. I’ve offered to go with him, I’ve tried offering a special dinner afterwards, I’ve pointed out that I want him to be healthy, I’ve tried to make it a goal for him. It’s just very frustrating. I know it is his health and his body and his life and I can’t force him to go the doctor. I’m kinda at my wits end.

    He doesn’t fear the doctor and he did see a dermatologist a few years ago for a rash on his arm that he had for years, which ended up being ringworm! He did get the ringworm treated and that cleared up after three months of medicine. The line I’ve drawn is actually selecting the doctor and making the appointment. I don’t want to be his mom, I want him to make this decision on his own. Help? Advice? Any success stories of a spouse going to see a doctor?

    1. bunniferous*

      I do not see doctors. I am 59. I am healthy.

      Unless you see signs of bad health that would necessitate a doc visit, I would leave it alone. My own mom was this way till she had a gall bladder attack when she was about my age, and that changed things.

      Another thing-your heart is in the right place but if I was your husband your persuasion would make me less likely, not more, to go to a doctor.

      1. Dan*

        +1

        I’m 38 and go to the doc when I need to, but otherwise don’t bother. Hell, I went 10 years without going to the dentist and all I had was a cavity.

        OP’s heart is in the right place, but she’s made her wishes known and he’s acknowledged them. Further pushing is going to turn this into a different kind of problem.

        1. DietCokeHead*

          I am assuming from this that you have a doctor that you have seen and would feel comfortable going to with a health problem? And you have a medical records with a clinic?

          My husband’s doctor has retired years ago and was an independent practitioner who did not believe in electronic medical records. So if my husband gets sick or has a medical issue, he will be stuck with whatever doctor has an opening and have no level of comfort or history with that doctor. That’s really why I want him to select a new doctor, have his records transferred, and then have an appointment to make sure he feels comfortable with that doctor. I’m not saying that he needs to see this doctor yearly if everything is fine. But it’s been shown that it is better to have an established relationship with a primary doctor then rely on urgent cares and emergency rooms for a health crisis.

          1. Dan*

            You mention “fit” levels between your DH and potential docs in many of your posts on this subject. TBH, I think you might be over emphasizing how important that may be for him. And IMHO, “fit” is hard to establish in an “interview”. One really needs an “on the job exercise” to really figure things out. Sorry for all the metaphors, but I can’t imagine walking into a doc’s office without an actual medical reason for the visit and then deciding whether or not I was going to “commit”.

            To your last point, is your DH actually in and out of the ER or urgent care place? It doesn’t sound like it. If he is, then this should be a simple conversation. If he’s not in and out of urgent care/ER, then he may very well consider this to be a problem he doesn’t have, and therefore doesn’t need to solve/deal with.

            I actually ended up with a GP because I developed an infection that the urgent care doc said would be better treated by a GP that I could go to regularly. So yeah, I do have a GP. But if it weren’t for this infection (aka actual reason for going) I wouldn’t have bothered finding one.

            To your question about medical records, my doc is part of a huge conglomerate in the area. The urgent care facilities, my doc, and the ER are part of the same corporation, and also share the same records system… and they have an app so I can pull stuff up on my phone and email my docs for whatever reasons. If you ask me, it’s quite slick. It’s also quite handy because this infection is a big pain in the ass, and when someone needs my treatment history, I can pull it up and get concrete answers without any of this “I think it was… but maybe it was…”

            I guess what I’m saying is let your husband deal with finding a doc when he actually needs one. Fit/comfort may be less of a concern for some than others. You may need a certain comfort level with someone in order to discuss medical stuff with them, but some of us aren’t as picky. For us, we can roll with it, and it can actually be easier to deal with doctors/decide fit when there’s an actual problem to solve. I mean, I have no idea how to walk into a doc’s office with no medical need and determine whether or not I want that person as my doc. It’s a lot easier for me to walk in to a doc’s office, point somewhere, and say “this hurts, make it go away” and decide from there whether or not I can deal with that person.

      2. Woodswoman*

        I think age makes a difference. Post-50, getting periodic colonoscopies is a good idea since this is documented to prevent colon cancer. A friend who avoided getting these exams sadly passed away from colon cancer, and this happens too frequently when it can be prevented.

        2. fposte*

          Interestingly, the U.S. seems to be unusually early in suggesting 50 as the start for those–in Canada, for instance, it’s 70. The UK recommends flex-sigs at 55 but not colonoscopy. Other countries have a lot more focus on fecal blood tests of one kind or another early on with a colonoscopy only as a followup for positive results.

          1. Woodswoman*

            That is interesting. What I’m hearing from your comment is that while the form of monitoring varies, the medical community in multiple countries agrees that screening for colon cancer is important in this age group. So it’s a big deal to not get the screening as a preventive measure.

    2. fposte*

      On the one hand, I see a PCP every six months, because I have several chronic things going on and because I’m a belt and suspenders type person.

      On the other, did you know that an annual physical doesn’t actually correlate well with health, and it’s been assessed as valueless in some decent research? Have a quick Google for “value of annual physical” and see what you find. Your husband may be righter than you here. What might make more sense is for you to ID particular things that screenings are likely to be genuinely valuable for at certain ages and focus on getting him to those.

      I would also ask him sometime, when this isn’t a topic on the table already and things are going well, why he doesn’t want to go, and whether that’s likely to hold true for all preventative screenings. And I would realize that how he feels about this now may not be how he feels about it all his life, and I wouldn’t push to change stuff right away.

    3. nep*

      What’s his state of health? How are his eating and exercise habits? Does he lead a healthy lifestyle, or have a lot of risk factors?
      Do you want him to go to address an existing condition, or just for preventive screenings, blood work, and the like?
      I can see how this can be frustrating; I used to be very concerned when my mom stopped seeing a doctor for years while she was sole caretaker for my dad. (Her health went to hell during that period.) But when I look back on it, I hate that I bugged her about it, because I would hate for someone to do the same to me today.

    4. Book Lover*

      On the one hand, there can be silent issues like high cholesterol and blood pressure, and early on high sugar…. so a physical every so often is probably a good idea. On the other hand, I agree that there isn’t a lot of evidence that routine physicals are so helpful. I do think it is important not to ignore any symptoms, however, and if going with never seeing the doctor, then regular exercise, healthy diet….

    5. NicoleK*

      DH has probably been to the doctors once in the past 6 years. He just doesn’t see the value of annual physicals. Sounds like your husband is the same. There’s really nothing you can do. I’ve let it go. Sometimes I wonder why I’m covering him on my health insurance plan.

    6. Enough*

      Wish I knew. My husband does see a doctor regularly because he’s on a blood thinner. But getting him to see one otherwise not happening. I want him to get his hearing checked.

    7. Thursday Next*

      For my husband the motivation for seeing a doctor was my pregnancy.( Bunniferous: The doctor caught what turned out to be cancer very early. No other signs, and he was young—34.) I don’t know if it would be persuasive to your husband to tell him its for *your* peace of mind, but it may be worth a shot.

    8. neverjaunty*

      It’s odd that your comment doesn’t mention WHY he won’t go to a doctor. Is it fear he won’t admit too? Stubbornness because he doesn’t want you telling him what to do? Concern about money? The belief that you only go to a doctor when something is really wrong?

      I don’t necessarily recommend this, but bluntly, I have dealt with this in the past by playing chicken. “Oh, this injury that isn’t going away and seems to be getting worse? Yeah, I’ll talk to a doctor right after you do, dear.”

      1. DietCokeHead*

        I really wish I knew why he won’t go to the doctor. I don’t think it is fear because he did go to the dermatologist a few years ago for the rash on his arm. As for money, he has insurance through work and we also have savings. I think it is a combination of stubbornness and laziness. Selecting a doctor is no fun.

          1. DietCokeHead*

            Variations of the following “oh yeah, I have to do that” “yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that” “I have the website open in a tab on my computer” and once “I looked at the doctor choices online but the website was confusing and it didn’t look like there were any at the office near my work”

            At this point, I feel like it is a more a problem in our relationship. I’ve asked him to do something and explained that it is important to me. He says he will do it and then never does. Other things that I ask him to do, he does. It’s just selecting and seeing a doctor where he won’t!

            1. neverjaunty*

              If you are asking him point-blank why he isn’t actually making a doctor’s appointment and his response is “oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that”, then he’s… not actually answering your question, he’s dodging it. That’s definitely a problem regardless of what his health is like.

    9. DietCokeHead*

      I know that an annual physical isn’t a life saving measure. I experience that thought every year when I go in for my lady visit to the stirrups every year to keep my BC Rx filled.

      What I think is useful is having a baseline for certain things like blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar. I experienced this myself this summer when I went for a routine exam, an issue was seen, my cholesterol was checked, and the numbers were wacky. I was able to point back and say that those numbers have been wacky ever since my first cholesterol screen. I don’t know if was helpful to the doctors (maybe) but it gave me peace of mind to know that no doctor worried about those wacky values previously. I could go into more detail but I don’t want to derail the comment thread with my medical issues.

      The other thing that I think is useful is having a doctor that you are comfortable with and that is really why I want my husband to see a doctor. After all, if he does have an issue with his health down the road or reaches the age where a screening is recommended, it will be less of an ordeal if he already has selected a doctor that he has seen and is comfortable with.

      Last week at Christmas, I found out that my husband’s uncle has been diagnosed with prostrate cancer that had spread to his bladder. Would early screening have found it? Maybe. I also know that he was complaining of symptoms for a few months but did not go in to have it checked out until things were at a critical point.

      1. Ruffingit*

        If it’s just him not wanting to take the time to pick a doctor or whatever, then just do it for him and make an appointment. It’s not like you’re being his mother. You’re just doing a task for him he doesn’t necessarily have the desire to do. My husband does some things like that for me and I for him. Pick a doc, make an appointment and go from there.

      2. Dan*

        These may all be true, but your husband has indicated that he doesn’t place the same value on them that you do. I’m 38 and go to the doctor when I’m symptomatic. I ended up with a GP because I had a recurring infection that the urgent care doc told me would be better dealt with by the same person instead of urgent care where you roll the dice with which doc you get. That and I found out it’s easier to get in an out of my GP’s office with an appointment than it is to go to urgent care.

        But when I needed to pick a GP, it wasn’t hard to go to the directory of covered doctors, pick one, and get an appointment. If I didn’t have that issue, I wouldn’t have bothered with a GP.

        Sorry about your husband’s uncle… who knows about early screening. It’s the ignoring symptoms that’s the much bigger flag.

        At the end of the day, though, our bodies are own; we have to respect that about each other. He doesn’t want to go to the doc, and right now, I think you have to respect that.

        1. TL -*

          Early screening actually hasn’t made a difference for your (average risk) population with prostate or breast cancer. There’s a whole bunch of factors at play here but…the recommendations of what and when to screen are changing as fast as we can compile the data.

        2. neverjaunty*

          Sure, but he’s not coming out and saying that. He’s dodging the OP and being passive-aggressive. That’s a huge relationship problem, regardless of whether the dude needs to see a doctor.

          (And it’s absolutely his body, but if his boundary is “I won’t go to a doctor unless it’s an actual emergency”, then the OP needs to know that so she can plan accordingly.)

    10. Kuododi*

      My DH is actually covered for his annual checkup through work insurance. They require an annual checkup with standard labs for all covered persons to get the financial discount on coverage. DH is “obnoxiously healthy” in comparison to my chronic issues. When he turned 50 he agreed to do a baseline colonoscopy as a promise to me. The Dr said he was so clear he doesn’t have to come back till he’s 60. Grrrrr!!!! I got excited when I was bumped to every other year for the scope!!!! It’s frustrating to deal with guys like this…. I have to practically force feed DH NyQuil on the rare occasion he’s down with the basic cold.

    11. EA*

      Obviously it is your relationship, but I wouldn’t force someone to get a physical. The value hasn’t been proven, not all doctors are good, and I think it causes anxiety in people.
      I also think a lot of people are attached to going to the doctor every year, and it’s a ‘rule’ so they follow it. Medicare doesn’t even cover a yearly full physical every year (only a shorter wellness visit without all the tests people associate with a physical). I think it bothers you he isn’t doing something he is ‘supposed’ to, and he also isn’t doing what you want.

      If in your relationship, you both generally do things your partner asks because they asked, then maybe go at it from that angle. But personally I would push back hard if my partner tried to get me to do something I thought was stupid, and also didn’t directly affect them.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed.
        My husband went to the doc every six months like a good little patient. The doc missed his symptoms entirely. One day my husband called in sick to work and he died exactly three months later. This was a disease that incubates in the body for upto 15 years. So in 30 office visits this doc never noticed anything going on.

        Just because they go to a doc does not mean they are being taken care of. Just because they go to a doc does not mean they will have a long life. It’s an illusion that we tell ourselves, because it oversimplifies what the process actually is here. I know of a person who says, “I go to the doc. Up to him to fix me. No, I won’t lose that extra 50 pounds, the doc needs to learn to accept who I am.” I hope that works for him, but I am thinking not.

        My suggestion to you is to look around and see if this is your actual concern or if you have a hidden concern disguised as a doctor worry.

    12. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      My dad goes to the doctor every 6 months for diabetes (he never knew he had it until a work physical), and comes home with a new medicine every time. He says he doesn’t feel any different, and nothing about it changed his diet (eyeroll). He goes, gets new meds he probably doesn’t need, comes home and lives his life for another 6 months.

      My mom doesn’t go to the doctor. I can think of maybe once she’s been in my lifetime and it was for a miscarriage.

      Both are equally happy and healthy. They live active lives with minimal health problems (a cold here and there). I don’t think your husband going to the doctor is going to be life changing. I know you mentioned you want him to be comfortable and have a history with a doctor, but that really isn’t something everyone cares about. In fact, my dad who has that relationship, is far more likely to run to the doctor for every metaphorical scrape or bruise, and gets treatment he probably doesn’t need. Granted, he’s happy with that, and so be it. Your husband is grown, and he has the choice to go or not. If he is happy not going, then I think it’s just something to chalk up to a quirk that annoys you. Obviously if something seemingly serious comes up it may be worth pushing, but I think he’s just waiting for a reason he sees as valid.

  69. Loopy*

    I posted already but I wasn’t sure I’d share this here. But I’m going to because I need a place to gush outside of real life.

    My boyfriend proposed on Christmas. I am especially thrilled because this summer will be 5 years and I was getting ready to have to sit down and really discuss whether we were ever going to get married or not. I’ve mentioned I wanted to be married so he knew very clearly that was my end goal. But we had passed the period where friends and family jokingly ask about it.

    Now, I know him well enough to know he doesn’t rush into decisions. He takes his time, he hates being pressured and he makes sure when he does something it’s because he really wants to do it. He does research, takes time to think things over, and fiercely resists societal and peer pressure. Even hardship will not push him into a decision if he can help it (after totaling his car due to a deer, he still took his time very thoughtfully purchasing a new one for as long as he could afford to).

    So I knew it would be longer than most for him to decide to take that step. A lot of people seemed to think I was making excuses for him (most were too nice to say so). But I said I would give him as much time as i felt was reasonable before pushing the issue. I’m so so glad I did. It was so so so hard to watch everyone in my life getting engaged. Facebook was torture. Even well meaning comments became hard. But I respected who he is and how he approaches life. If I want to spend the rest of my life with him, well I need to, right???

    I’m so glad I did. The plus side of letting him make decisions in his own time and manner is I feel confident that he won’t get cold feet or worry he’s doing it because of societal pressure or pressure form me, etc.

    And I kind of want to tell everyone I told them so!! I really believed his issue wasn’t with commitment itself, it was just they way he approaches it. I was starting to wonder if I really was making excuses and getting feel anxious.

    And ta-da. Knowing, respecting, and accepting who he is paid off.

    I’m so happy I had to share. I’m trying not to be too obnoxious in real life. Will you all help me gush by sharing the most fun part of wedding planning? I know it can be really tough, so tell me the part that you had fun with!

    1. periwinkle*

      The most fun part of our wedding planning was deciding to go to the courthouse instead. Okay, the most fun part was deciding not to tell our friends until we left on our honeymoon several months later and asking them to guess when we had officially tied the knot…

      Congratulations!

    2. Lcsa99*

      That’s so exciting! Congratulations! I am sure you will get a lot of “it’s about time” but don’t let that rain on your parade. You just kmow your man. Have as much fun with it as possible.

      With our wedding, my favorite part was all the little crafty things I did for it. We wanted to save as much money as possible, so we did a lot ourselves and hand-making the invitations, table numbers, etc to make it very “us” was nice. Plus I think they came out nicer than anything we could have bought.

      Congratulations again!

      1. Loopy*

        Yep, already got one. It was good naturally but it still makes me twitchy.

        I definitely knew it was going to be on the longer side than many other people when we started getting serious and I got to know him well enough. It’s perfectly in line with how he approaches life. But I am glad he did it before we got past the 5 year mark.

        I love the idea of DIY, but I am so not crafty. I have many epic Pinterest fails.

        1. Lcsa99*

          You don’t have to be very crafty to do some of the stuff we did. For programs, we drew a heart in sand at the beach and took a picture, then did photo cards on snapfish. We just had to print out the actual programs on plain paper and glued them inside. You can do a tin with sites like a snapfish or vistaprint.

          1. Loopy*

            Thanks! After reading this I found a cute idea kind of like that! We have a dog and I found a cute sign that says “My humans are getting married!” I’d love to take a picture of him with it and use it for the save the date. I hadn’t thought of nice little touches like that as DIY or crafty but now I’m seeing where you can put your own touch on things without trying to handle a glue gun! (For the record I once ruined a new kitchen table within hours of it arriving with one of those things D:)

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Congratulations! And I type that as someone who is okay with the idea of having that sit-down about long-term plans, and moving on if they don’t mesh–that you can love a person, or a job, or a place, and still conclude that maintaining things exactly as they are in perpetuity isn’t what you want.

      I calligraphed our wedding invites–small wedding–and it was nice to have that creative outlet merge with saving money. I will also pass on that I know a few people who got married in a simple regular off-the-rack dress that they could wear again–and then they never did, because the dress never quite matched the new occasion. So don’t use “will I wear it again?” as a dress-picking criterion.

      1. Overeducated*

        Similarly, I made a couple things for our wedding (cake and decorations) and had a huge amount of fun. The cake wasn’t even for budgetary reasons, I just like to bake. The “flavor test” party when I made six recipes with a couple friends and invited lots of people to come vote on the best was awesome. Our caterer was very worried and insisted on including cookies in our package as a backup dessert but all worked out very well!

      2. Loopy*

        That’s good advice!

        I think I’ll pick or one two small easy things to make myself. I really like the idea but I know I have crafty limits so it needs to be something easy and low stress. I have no idea what that may be. Maybe table nameplate things? I have really nice handwriting (but Christmas cards showed me I get tired after a while so handwritten invites would probably exhaust me!).

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Congratulations!

      My favourite parts of wedding planning were:
      – Figuring out the stationery! I love stationery. A graphic designer / illustrator friend designed all of ours as a gift.
      – Going to a tasting of our wedding meal where we ate the meal in our caterer’s kitchen and it was just lovely (we used an independent caterer).
      – Choosing our first dance song.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Haha I remember choosing our first dance song. We were actually at a friend’s wedding and requested a couple songs from the dj to see if they were danceable. We still laugh about how un-danceable Huey Lewis’s The Power of Love is. At least for us.

    5. Mallory*

      Cake testing. Wine tasting. Food tasting. All the best parts! Oh, I liked jewelry shopping, too ;-).

      1. Loopy*

        I am all about the tasting. No lie, I forgot we have to pick out wedding rings. I’ve thought a LOT about marriage in the big picture sense and very little about the day that actually kicks it off. Which I guess is the right priority? Until you have to plan a wedding…

    6. Rookie Manager*

      Congratulations!!! We’re not married but my sister’s most fun part was picking the food – they ignored traditional customs and chose all their favourite things, making sure there were suitable options for veggies, nd etc.

      1. Loopy*

        I don’t think my fiancé is really dead set on traditional either. He’s tired of southern food :P But I fear all his none traditional loves may be on the expensive side (sushi at a wedding…probably not a practical option). I have no idea what direction will go! What were some of the options at your sisters wedding that were considered non-traditional???

        1. Rookie Manager*

          The food itself wasn’t that out there but it was for a wedding… so they are both massive pasta fans and so one dish was spaghetti Bolognese. When they first mentioned it both mothers were horrified but came round to the idea it was their wedding, their favourites! They also did things like have a vegetable curry(I think) with grilled chicken. Veggies could have the curry, meat eaters could have curry+ chicken and fussy/no spice could have the chicken with some potatoes. Starters and desserts were table service but mains were served buffet-ish style which made it easy to accommodate food preferences without fuss.

          It was done by a local caterer and was a cheap option but personally I enjoyed it much more than a hotel mass catered chicken dinner.

          1. Rookie Manager*

            Also the ‘nd in my first comment should be ‘GF’. A couple of celiac guests meant having personal control of menu options was necessary.

          2. Loopy*

            Oh man I also LOVE PASTA WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. I admire and respect that choice. I’ve also had some baaaad pre plated wedding meals (with no disrespect to the bride and groom!) so I bet stepping outside the box paid off for everyone!

            However, I know I would ruin my wedding dress within .2 seconds of being in the proximity of red sauce :P

    7. Ann O.*

      I’m another vote for wedding crafting. My husband and I made a simple-but-personal-to-us centerpiece as well as a simple-but-personal-to-us-souvenir-gift. It was so lovely to sit and craft together for our wedding. I’m not typically a crafty person, either.

      I’m also a semi-pro dancer. My dance genres are not related to ballroom/couples dances at all, but I still felt that expectations would be high for our first dance (and also, some performer responsibility to be entertaining). My husband is NOT a dancer at all. But he did private dance lessons and a lot of home practice so that we could have a fun, polished choreographed first dance. He did a great job, and it was another super special set of memories.

      1. Loopy*

        I would love to craft with the finance!!! I don’t know if that’s in the cards but I hadn’t thought of making a personal centerpiece just for us! The centerpiece idea had come but I thought making all of them was taking on too much. I would be able to make one though!!!

    8. Starryemma*

      My favorite part of wedding stuff was the day of, thinking about how many people loved us and we’re there just for us. Obvi, there were people who couldn’t come too. But it’s like there probably won’t be many other, if any days, like that with that many people there just for us.

      Also, I loved the registry gifts. Still do. There are some we use every day.

    9. LizB*

      Congratulations to you! Your fiance sounds a lot like my boyfriend in how he approaches life, so the fact that he eventually proposed is giving me hope that my guy will too. :) We’re also coming up on 5 years, we’ve clearly discussed the fact that we would mutually like to get married, he just hasn’t gone for it yet — so I’m in that phase of “I’m genuinely happy for all these people getting engaged but ugh Facebook is torture.”

      Obviously I have no practical wedding planning experience, but my favorite things to add to my Secret Wedding Planning Pinterest Board are ideas that really reflect our personalities & preferences – like having board games or decks of cards at each table, or doing a brunch wedding.

      1. Loopy*

        Oh man, the Facebook torture! In the week leading up to xmas, everytime I opened Facebook a different proposal would be at the top of my feed. And I hated that it bothered me, but it got to the point where I’m forgoing my own Facebook post and just telling people directly. I totally feel for you. Have hope!

        I started a Pinterest board last night! Man, Pinterest is amazing. I definitely want to find ways to work in our interests so the wedding feels like us and not something out of a magazine. I’ve already found a beautiful bouquet on Etsy that has tiny dragons hidden in it.

      1. Loopy*

        So I’ve honestly never looked at wedding gowns before and last night was my first time browsing David’s bridal! I am pretty excited about that. I have no no no ideas for a wedding song :X :O Actually nervous about that part!

    11. Melody Pond*

      Congratulations! I think it’s wonderful that you were patient and gave him space to process the decision in a way that felt right for him.

      I feel a lot of empathy (or maybe sympathy, actually?) for your situation, because based on your descriptions, it sounds like my partner, Mr. Pond is fairly similar to your boyfriend. Your phrasing about how your boyfriend “fiercely resists societal and peer pressure” really, really resonated with me and reminded me of Mr. Pond. I also believed he didn’t have an intrinsic problem with commitment – he just had a lot to process around the idea of getting married, both because of a bad prior marriage when he was way too young, and because it seemed such a socially conforming thing to do (and he is automatically suspicious of anything super socially conforming).

      We’ve been together for about 5.5 years, and within the last month or so, we made plans to get married on our next anniversary, in May.

      (There was no official proposal, or even an engagement ring – those fall into the category of “traditional” socially conforming rituals that don’t really suit us. There also won’t be a big wedding. I plan for us to go see The Avengers: Infinity War in theaters that day, go to a courthouse, and maybe hit up my mother’s house afterwards for some cupcakes with immediate family. I’m completely stoked about it.)

      So – the point is, I see some significant similarities between our two partners, and so I can really relate to the feelings of excitement you’re describing, as well as the sense of being so pleased that you were clearly right to give him the time and space he needed. I think it’s awesome that you ignored people around you who thought you were just making excuses for him – ultimately you two get to decide what’s right for your lives, because you’re the ones who have to live with the decisions.

      Congratulations, again!!!

        1. Melody Pond*

          Thanks! In my mind, it’s made even sweeter by the fact that the first Avengers movie (which came out the first weekend of May, 2012 – our first date was May 14th, 2012) is kinda responsible for us getting together in the first place. :)

      2. Loopy*

        Ahhhhh thanks so much! I am so so glad people are going out with stories of their own significant others being like him. I remember seeing a Humans of New York episode (they do videos now where random people are interviewed) and there was a couple who had been dating for 6 years and she wanted to get married and he just wasn’t interested in changing how things were. From the interview, it was not the same situation as mine, but I made this mistake of reading the comments. There is definitely this sentiment of if he hasn’t asked by now, he won’t. And that killed me because so many people were urging this girl to move on because if it hadn’t happened it wouldn’t.

        And in some cases that’s true and people have to make that decision. But man, I hated coming up against it in real life especially. My own well meaning father had apparently decided in his mind that my fiancé was not the marrying type.

        There is such a strong societal timeline for marriage proposals. It really made it difficult for me to keep level headed about my own situation!

        Also I love that you are super stoked for a non-traditional wedding day! I wish more people were moving away from the norm and working to shatter this crazy marriage/wedding culture we’ve seemed to have created :)

        1. Melody Pond*

          Oh man – I can completely see how that would’ve been difficult for you to deal with, at the time (the interview on Humans of New York, and the internet comments, as well as the opinions of your family/father).

          And you’re right – our current culture has this strong sense of a timeline in which things “ought” to progress. It’s interesting that you ran up against the idea that, “well, if he hasn’t asked by now, it’s not going to happen” so often, and from so many different sources (TV, family, etc.). It’s completely false, and it doesn’t allow any room for normal variations in people – either people who move faster than the accepted timeline (because that does happen and work out fine, for lots of people), or who move slower than the accepted timeline.

          I’d encourage you to think about ways in which you might want to break away from the traditional wedding culture. It might not be the same as me and my way, but I’d encourage you and your fiancé to think about what traditions actually suit you, and what non-traditional things you’d really enjoy, and what traditions you actually don’t care for at all. Remember that the current wedding culture is driven largely by heavy marketing from for-profit companies who benefit from selling you on the idea that you need to spend a boatload of money in very specific ways, on this one single day.

          Here’s a post from one of my favorite bloggers on how he did his super cheap wedding, even though his wedding was even more “traditional” than mine is going to be (if you’re interested):
          https://20somethingfinance.com/cheap-wedding/

          1. Loopy*

            Thanks so much for that link!! I think we will definitely have to discuss the wedding expectations. I think he *might* be afraid I had this fairytale image in my head and lots of strong opinions about my special day and I know the cost is worrying him. Which is totally fine by me- I personally ALSO feel panicky about throwing 30,000 dollars at a single day knowing if a catastrophe befalls us we could have survived on that money for an entire *year*. I do want a special day, but it can certainly be done moderately!!!!

            And I respect that he is uncomfortable with that- even if I wasn’t. It’s his day too and if the whole day is spent with him wanting to puke over the price tag, well that’s not very fair! I am going to read that link you sent right away!!! Thanks so much!

    12. Loopy*

      I know this is buried in my own thread- but if anyone sees it, is it still extremely expected by most (in the US) that the bride’s family pays for the wedding? I thought that was kind of not a strict expectation anymore. My dad is convinced that he shall be expected to pay for the bulk of the wedding and That Is How It Is. Now, he’s not mad about it, just accepting it.

      Fiance and I are both going in to be 30 at least and we are in a good, stable financial spot so I never expected this! Just curious if anyone has a sense of if my dad is still going by expectations that have significantly shifted.

      1. Someone else*

        In my experience in the US it’s very common for the couple to pay for it themselves. If parents pay, it is often the bride’s, but not definitely. It also depends on if there’s a wealth-gap between the families. In my circle though if your father were not wanting to pay, he wouldn’t be expected to. But also in that case it’d mean you’re paying for your own wedding.

    13. Courtney*

      Congratulations! I really loved planning all the little details – color scheme, cake design, pretty flower ideas, etc. I know none of that is completely necessary, but I have fun picking out cute things that go together and fit our aesthetic. Especially the little touches – for example, my husband and the groomsmens’ boutonieres (I’m sure that’s spelled wrong…impossible word) were made out of little guitar picks in our wedding colors – they all played in a local cover band together, so it was perfect.

    14. Grandma Mazur*

      Congrats again!

      We said for years we wanted a wedding where people could come and camp for a few days, so that we’d get to spend a bit longer with everyone who’d have to come from further afield/abroad. A bit of a mini festival. We still intend to do that (no, really…) but in the meantime, we just did the legal part, in a register office (UK), with his mum, stepdad, dad, stepmum, my dad, brother + partner, and 3-4 friends (enough to keep the divorced parents apart in case things got awkward – they didn’t). We (I) planned the whole thing in 8 weeks, I got my dress for £30 in the summer sale at Monsoon, and we had the reception at a cafe around the corner (coffee and cheese) before going to a steak restaurant for their early bird special. After drinks in a pub around the corner, we were home and in bed by midnight!

      By far my most favourite bit was choosing the wedding rings. We thought we’d just go very traditional but ended up (for price comparison purposes only, originally) going to a local independent designer’s jewellery store and selecting some that are really “us” – unusual but understated, and using Fairtrade gold.

      We still might do the festival event, but we have a six-month-old now so it would probably be more of a ‘Welcome to the world’ party instead… The benefit, for me (as a perfectionist), of doing it this way was that I could stop deferring decisions because I hadn’t found the perfect X (venue, marquee, band, photographer, dress, flowers, caterer, colour scheme) – decisions *had* to be made because we only had 8 weeks – and they just had to be good enough to ensure we had fun on the day.

      The one thing I wished I’d done, though, was create proper invitations. Since then, I found a company that makes acrylic stamps, with designs that include your names, date, venue, etc, to make your own on whatever card you like – it wasn’t cost effective for such a small wedding (think they were about £75) but would be worthwhile for a bigger event, and then the stamp itself becomes a souvenir of the wedding day that you can display on your mantelpiece…

  70. nutella fitzgerald*

    I just got ghosted by a guy I went out with twice and I was furious until I remembered that he could have disappeared after we moved in together. Thanks, AAM.

  71. Red*

    This is something I’m genuinely curious about. How much do you clean with your kitchen sponge? I prefer to use it for dishes only and use a rag, paper towel, or different sponge for anything else. My mom was here visiting over the holidays and used the dish sponge to clean the counters, tabletop, microwave, a bucket, and spots on the floor where food had fallen. I remember her doing this when I was a kid and it always kind of grossed me out (I surreptitiously replaced our sponge when she was done).

    We don’t always take off our shoes in the house, we have pets, and the cat sometimes walks around on the table before getting shooed away so I don’t like the idea of the sponge touching those surfaces and going back into the sink to wash dishes.

    What say you? Am I being too uptight? How do you use your sponge?

    1. nep*

      We use only rags at the kitchen sink, and only for dishes. Other cloth or paper towel for counters, other.
      I would say you’re not being uptight in the least — I couldn’t use same sponge or rag on dishes that has been used on many other surfaces, particularly the floor! I’d be right there with you changing out that sponge.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Honestly, since you’re using soap or a cleaner with it that will kill all the germs, and supposedly letting the sponge dry between uses, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I use a different one for bathroom stuff but I don’t mind using the same one for dishes and counters or a quick swipe on the floor.

      But I am not the best at keeping house.

      1. fposte*

        Soap will kill a good amount, though not all, of the germs on the surface of something impermeable; it’s not going to sterilize the nooks and crannies of a sponge or cloth, especially one that stays damp at room temperature so stuff can breed with joyous abandon. That’s why they recommend to toss your sponge after two weeks these days. (I’m a slob, FWIW, but I like rules that help me not think about stuff, so I follow that one.)

    3. Enough*

      Only use sponges on floors and walls. Dish cloth for dishes and counters. Paper towels for drying and wiping my hands.

    4. fposte*

      One of my weird slob exceptions is that I don’t actually use the dish sponge for other stuff. I’m hoping soon to break a paper towel habit, but at least they’re compostable.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I use a sponge for dishes and a rag for counters or the floor. I replace the sponge weekly on average, or whenever it seems like it needs it. The sponge almost always dries between uses and doesn’t smell, so as long as it looks clean to me, I’m fine with it. For whatever reason, I think a dishcloth is less effective for cleaning dishes and I hate using them for that, but it’s just a personal preference.

    6. Hellanon*

      Dish sponge (kept on the counter by the dish soap) for the dishes, floor sponge (kept in a basket with cleaning products at floor level) bathroom sponge for the bathroom. They rotate down fairly frequently (I swap out the old dish sponge for a new one monthly) but NEVER up – ewww. The cats and I walk on that floor, and the floor sponge is used to clean up after spills and the cats. Not going anywhere near my mouth after being used to wipe up old cat food…

    7. Cruciatus*

      I’ve always been slightly creeped out by the kitchen sponge. I won’t use the one at work and will use the paper towels instead (sorry Earth). I don’t know why–I guess just from lack of use. My family has always used wash clothes for dishes. You use it for a couple of days, toss it in the wash, use another wash cloth meanwhile. If I were to clean a ton of surfaces, at that point the wash cloth would be done for that use and tossed into the hamper. Apparently I once made a friend feel bad about her sponge so she always gets a new one out when I’ll be over. I was actually talking about my sister’s sink (she would keep sponges until the yellow part was falling off and it had huge dents of missing material, and half of the green part was gone). I wasn’t criticizing my friend’s kitchen upkeep, but I guess she wanted to “be safe” or something! Normally I’d be bothered she thinks I’m criticizing her, but I’m also not upset about a sponge so… shrug.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      The sponge is for dishes. If I want to clean with a sponge it’s not going to be the dish sponge.

      1. Rainy*

        Our sponge is mainly a counter and stove sponge, as we have a dishwasher. It does not get used on floors.

        I hate dishrags, which is partially because I don’t feel they work well and partially because I’ve been living in apartments, mostly without in-suite laundry machines, for a decade, and wasting a toonie twenty-five or a buck seventy-five to wash a dishrag or two and a couple of dish towels irks me. I notice that most of the people I know who are super loud about the superior quality of dishrags almost always own their own homes and have their own laundry machines.

      3. DietCokeHead*

        I have two sponges. One is the sponge on a wand type thing for dishes and the other is a regular sponge for everything else – counter, stove, ect.

    9. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Kitchen sponges and towels should not defy gravity. Once it goes to the floor it goes in the wash. I don’t know where my floor has been and I don’t want it spread to my table or dishes. We use dish cloths instead of sponges because they’re more washable. I hate when the sour smell from an old sponge or rag gets on my hands so things get washed pretty quickly around here. The cloth for cleaning dishes also gets used to wipe down the table and stove top and parts of the counter. If I’m cleaning the whole stove or counter I get a rag. I have a mesh laundry bag in my kitchen for kitchen laundry. (We use cloth napkins and “paper” towels as well)

    10. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I don’t use a sponge! I have a stack of dishclothes that get used for EVERYTHING, but washed frequently. Dishes? grab a cloth, and I then use it to wipe counters. Wash the floor? grab another cloth. Dusting, bathrooms, etc. Key is that these cloths get washed between uses, and don’t get used for multiple uses in a row unless it’s ok. When they wear out too much, I throw them out and buy a new batch. Typically each batch will last for a couple years. I just throw them in the laundry with the towel load.

      I use paper towels for grease, cleaning up cat incidents, or something exceptionally gross and I don’t want to put the cloth in the washer later.

    11. soupmonger*

      I run a food business, and in my home, cloths are kept as follows
      – dish brush used only for dishes
      – one cloth used only for countertops
      – another cloth used only for floors

      Dish brush and countertop cloth regularly soaked in mild bleach solution then rinsed and dried. Replaced regularly. Floor cloth replaced regularly.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      ONLY the sink and dishes. I bleach it once a week and only use it for a couple of weeks, then it goes in the trash. I nuke it daily.

      The first time I ever went over to Farm Boy Ex’s parents’ house, his sister did the dishes and then used the dishrag on the floor. o_O After that, every time I went over there, I volunteered to do the dishes and always used a clean rag. They thought I was just someone who liked washing dishes.

    13. Catarine*

      Our sponge is only for dishes, and I replace it the second I get a whiff of that gross midlew smell. That said, I cut store sponges into quarters, so I can indulge my inner clean freak without blowing my budget or the environment.

    14. Starryemma*

      I don’t use the sponge for floor stuff, but if it gets gross & I don’t want to replace it, i stick it in the dishwasher to kill germs.

    16. Loopy*

      I’ll use the sponge for dishes and countertops but never, ever on the floor. I don’t know why I put countertops and dishes in the same category though to be honest…. I’m questioning it now.

      I do prefer paper towels for washing tables and countertops but always feel wasteful using them for that.

  73. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Sprechen Sie Talk– I promised you a complete review of our Outer Banks trip. :-)

    We just got home. I CRIED when we left. Christmas and my bf’s family notwithstanding, we had a lovely, peaceful time. It was cold– Thursday was below freezing all day– but the house we rented was super comfortable and we got out for walks anyway. Yesterday was so beautiful I insisted on two long beach walks, worth it even though my knee is paying for it. The doggy loves the beach, so he did well, except when his daddy took him out in the wind to check out the raging sea.

    We didn’t go out at all and cooked all of our meals. We managed on a single trip to the grocery store. Corolla is perfect for that, as most places shut down for winter, but if we had wanted to go out, there are places within a 20-minute drive.

    I read. I napped. I cooked. I went in the hot tub. I snuggled my dog. Bf wrote. We both watched Godless and drank mulled wine and coquito.

    I am soooo sad to be home.

      1. Rainy*

        My bff’s family gets a beach house between Christmas and NY every year, I’ve been a couple of times, and it’s just lovely.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We got the idea when we were there for the summer. The beaches are beautiful and it’s not super crazy even at high season (except for the traffic, which sucks), and my office shuts down for the week, so… I highly recommend it. Prices were extremely reasonable, especially since we were flexible with our location preferences.

        To me, there is little better than a walk on the beach with next to no one around and nothing to hear but the waves and the gulls.

  74. Cindy*

    Those in their 30s – are your friends generally flawed but otherwise mature, kind, and open-minded? My best friends (and I use the phrase to indicate people I’m in contact with the most) are made up of A, who seems to text me only when she wants to complain about one of her coworkers; B, who can’t see physically attractive women without making some kind of snarky comment about them (which I know is due to her own self-image issues but which is annoying all the same); C, who got married in her early 20s and is becoming increasingly anxious that I have yet to find my soulmate (despite my assurance that I’m too interested in men to commit to just one); and D, who seems to view me as someone who needs to be helped (because I’m one of those people who are socially awkward in an obvious way) instead of as her equal.

    Additionally, I can’t seem to talk to them about topics I’ve become interested in in the past few years. Conversation with them is largely made up of gossip or sexual innuendos. I don’t know if I’ve outgrown them or if I’ve just become more insufferable in my old age.

    1. Enough*

      It’s tough to bring old friends along as you change/grow/mature. It’s s similar to going back to the old homestead and the old roles and behaviors from childhood.

    2. Hellanon*

      It gets easier as you get older, yes – mostly because you get better at dropping the ones who don’t contribute. And as you grow more comfortable and confident in yourself, those are the people you’ll gravitate towards.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      I think it’s pretty common at all ages to find that you and your friends start diverging in interests. I finally had a falling out in my 30s with my best friend from HS, but we’d been growing apart for years. We’d just become very different people. Some college friends, I know i wouldn’t be friends with them if I met them today and our friendships wouldn’t survive if we spent time together more often than once every few years.

      It’s hard to break out of established roles too. Not impossible, but hard to do because people are more comfortable with a known range of conversational topics that have been the source of bonding in the past. Probably why it’s easier to make new friends related to your new interests than to get your old friends to share those interests. (In theory, anyway, as I am not a friend making expert!)

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        “It’s hard to break out of established roles too. Not impossible, but hard to do because people are more comfortable with a known range of conversational topics that have been the source of bonding in the past.”

        This has also been my experience.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I am in my 30s and have fewer friends like this than I used to. I’ve made much more uncomplicated, unexhausting friends in the past few years – whereas it used to be more drains than radiators.

    6. Jan*

      I had friends like this in my 20s and gradually distanced myself from them. The friendships were toxic and I was always drained emotionally from them because it was never enough. No matter how much I was there for them, it was never enough. Then when I had something happen that I needed friends there, guess what? No one was there or they were for a short while and then disappeared because it was “no fun” anymore.

      I tried to reconnect with them in my 30s, but they either didn’t answer or seemed hostile.

      We grew apart and that happens. I’m closer with my co-workers and family now. I know some really great people who are older than me, as opposed to just having friends my age or people that I grew up with.

      Try to broaden your social circle- easier said that done, I know. Maybe join a professional organization, join a meetup, take a class, volunteer at an animal shelter or charity, etc. It may take a while, but at least you’ll have some shared interests and it may develop into closer friendships. Plus the topics of conversation will (hopefully) be broader and more stimulating.

    7. Cristina in England*

      I have moved countries a few times as an adult and as a result I’ve had to make whole new sets of friends several times. The friends I have made in recent years are tremendous and kind and lovely. It sounds like these friends are maybe from a long long time ago and you’ve outgrown them. It is sad but it happens. It can be more awkward when you’re entwined in each other’s lives, with partners or work connections thrown into the mix. You’re not off-base to want to put some distance between you and them!

    8. Rainy*

      I’m in my 40s, and my closest friends are busy, intelligent, delightful women in three countries (this happens when you make your best friends mainly in grad school in another country–we all scattered afterward). We have a strong foundation of interest in the same things, which is what brought us together, and we all write in one way or another, I’ve just realized, so that’s funny. I suppose we all have human flaws, but they are humane, kind, open-minded, mature, responsible people who are also a lot of fun. We talk about our work, our lives, whatever personal project we’re working on lately, talk through issues we’re having. Normal stuff, I suppose.

      I had a “friend” for many years who acted like a combination of your A and B, and over time I realized I had to cut her out for my own quality of life, which I did a few years ago. I’m sure I’ve joined the ranks of the long list of women she always complained about to me, who were “backstabbers”, but she only wanted to talk in order to complain about people I didn’t know who were mean to her or whom she had decided were “sluts” or whatever. I realized that after a conversation with her I would feel bummed out, sometimes for days if she attacked me, which she sometimes did, but always very passive-aggressively. I feel silly now that I let it go on so long, but better late than never to get people like that out of your life.

    9. Anon anon anon*

      The older I get the more I broaden my horizons in terms of who I’m friends with. When I was growing up, I was friends with neighbors, classmates, and kids I went to camp with. In my early twenties, it was all people I knew through work or school and friends of those people. But then I settled into a fairly diverse (in some ways) small town where people didn’t stick to their own age group or socioeconomic group. I befriended people from all walks of life. Then I moved to a more diverse city, and then a more diverse city than that one. And now I just spontaneously befriend people who seem nice and interesting. I go more by personality than who we know in common or any superficial stuff. And when I feel like a friendship isn’t going anywhere good, I back away.

      But I’m really lacking friends my own age. A lot of the people in their 30’s and 40’s who I know are busy raising young kids. Or just in that settled middle of life phase. My social life is mostly made up of people in their 20s, 50s, and 60s, so I’m always the young person or the older person. On the other hand, I appreciate having friends of all ages. And believe me, sometimes the 65 year olds act younger than the 25 year olds. But that’s another story….

    10. Not So NewReader*

      It could be me, but I think our late 20s and 30s is a fork in the road. We are really starting to nail down what we want in life and who we are. It seems to make sense that some old friends would fade out and new will enter eventually. I think you are on track and the others not so much. However, it could be that they are having different conversations with other people and the running commentary is force of habit with this group you mention.

    11. Ann Furthermore*

      Oh, I’ve had friends like that. After awhile it’s exhausting. Every single solitary thing out of his mouth was some sort of sexual innuendo. We’re no longer friends. One of the nice things about getting older is that the amount of crap you’re willing to tolerate goes way down. Once I hit 40, it was like a switch flipped on inside me and I was not afraid to stop putting up with BS.

    12. Ramona Flowers*

      I also think for me the big question is whether I can be the person I am with that person or are they always taking up too much space or trying to get me to be someone I’m not.

    13. Loopy*

      I only have two close friends that I talk to about life. They are generally very mature- but the price seems to be that I have fewer of them. I’m mostly okay with that 95% of the time. I have another two close acquaintances that are equally mature but we are not as close as friends.

  75. Random Reader*

    Hello everyone! I’ve never left a comment here before even though I skim the comments pretty regularly. I have a question that some of the regular commenters may be able to answer, although it’s probably a long shot.

    Some time ago there was a thread where people were discussing a series of books in the comments. I’m sure I read this over a year ago, but I’ve read a lot of the archives so unfortunately, the actual post could have been much longer ago than that. I don’t believe it was a ‘free for all’ post. I think a situation from one of the books was brought up in relation to a letter, and it turned out there were quite a few fans of the series among the commenters and it grew into a bit of a conversation.

    I believe it was a science fiction series. I think it was a very long series. The main plot point I remember was that some character was demoted or fired, and that was seen as a good and necessary decision even though the character was well-liked (I think this was the part that related to the original letter). I believe there were multiple possible paths to read through the series. It sounded like there were many smaller arcs contained within the larger series and like different books focused on different characters. It sounded like it spanned a very long time period in total. Not all of these impressions may be correct. So here’s the long shot question: does anyone know what series this was? I described what I remember to a couple of people and they guessed the Hyperion series, which looks like it could be right. Does any of this ring any bells for anyone? Thanks for even reading this far!

    1. Lcsa99*

      I found a similar thread of comments that might be what you were looking for. It was on the memory series by Lois McMaster Bujold. Link to follow

    2. zinemin*

      I don’t remember this discussion, but perhaps it was the Vorkosigan Saga, where Miles, the main character, gets demoted and has a different job (Auditor) in the following books….?

    3. Rainy*

      Sounds like the Vorkosigan series by Lois McMaster Bujold.

      The book you’d be talking about is “Memory”.

    4. Random Reader*

      Thank you all! The name Miles sounds extremely familiar, and I looked this series up on Goodreads and I definitely think these are the right books. I don’t know why I didn’t note the name of the series when I first read the comments, but this has been bugging me for ages. I already downloaded Dreamweaver’s Dilemma from my library. You guys are awesome!

  76. Clinical Social Worker*

    I went to the press about my employer (A CHC) not having renewed long-term funding. Our funding is often renewed with CHIP, which also doesn’t have renewed long-term funding. CHIP gets a lot more press because kids without insurance is cute but no one knows what CHCs are half the time unless they work with them.

    It worked. The story is getting published. I just hope it’s enough to shame congress into passing more funding. Otherwise myself and all my colleagues are out of a job. And all my patients will have nowhere else to go.

      1. Clinical Social Worker*

        I hope so too. Most people don’t realize the clinic they go to is a CHC. Cross your fingers for me! I may post more in another free for all post if Alison will allow it.

  77. Jen in Oregon*

    Marriage Pacts are dumb things people commit to when they are drunk and/or lonely–the only conversations that should be taken *less* seriously are “We should open a restaurant/bar” and “We should start a band.” Don’t give B another thought–“B can’t lick all the cookies on the plate”–I loved that!

    I should probably stop right there, but I can’t help but add………when I was 26, I got a wild hair to look up an old friend when I went home for Christmas. This guy and I had a bit of a flirtation going over the years, but we were never in a situation where we could ever really pursue it (living in different states during our late teens, early 20’s.) Long story short: we worked it out. We dated long distance for about a year then got married and moved to the west coast together. Our 21st anniversary was yesterday. Even if that isn’t how it works out for you guys, why not give it a shot? Best wishes that things unfold as they should.

  78. Anon Today*

    I’m looking for suggestions on how to get in control of personal finances. We make far too much money to be scrounging to pay the bills. Husband made $130K and I managed to scrape in only $10K this year with side gigs. I am permanently disabled with multiple autoimmune diseases, a flare had me in the hospital (CCU even) for quite a bit this summer. We’ve tried Dave Ramsey’s method but we’re not religious and not sure we agree with the no credit at all theory. Speaking of, credit is of course terrible, our auto insurance alone is $400/month (two teenagers in the house + two not at fault accidents- apparently they do count). The teenagers need to drive as the husband works out of state & public transportation is essentially non existent here. Here is the Pacific NW so we’re in a high but not a ridiculously high COL area. Can people suggest a program/method to get on track? When we were first married things were great, we owned investment property even, then fertility treatment followed by a layoff and an uninsured high risk pregnancy/pre-mature birth started us in this cycle of living paycheck to paycheck 18 years ago.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Really, the first thing you need to do is figure out where you’re spending your money. Start tracking EVERY penny you spend. Do it for a couple months, then look at it. You’ll probably be shocked at what you see. Use whatever method makes sense for you – excel, quicken, YNAB, paper, etc.

      Once you know where your money is going, decide where you WANT it to go. And start making that happen. If you’re spending a ton on take out, is that what you want? If yes, fine. If no, change it. There’s probably lots of little things you spend money on that really add up, and you don’t even realize it.

      The Dave Ramsey approach works for people who need a shock to their system to learn how to budget, etc. It doesn’t work for everyone. Try looking at Mr. Money Mustache, see if that resonates more.

    2. PF advice*

      General advice is to first figure out your budget (i.e. how much money you need to spend in a month) and compare that to how much money you actually spend in a month. Make sure you and your husband record every cent you spend, however you want – excel, piece of paper, phone etc. From that figure out where you’re spending the extra money (if you are spending more money then you thought).

      When making a budget start with the essentials (mortgage, utility bills, insurance, groceries) and work down to luxuries. Based on projected vs actual spending figure out where you need to cut back – do you think you cook dinner at home every night but actually eat out 3 nights a week? Do you have some subscriptions that auto-renewed but you don’t use?

      For tracking spending I use the Goodbudget app; I’ve hear You Need A Budget recommended a lot but have no personal experience with that one.

      1. Starryemma*

        Echoing this. Make a list of your essential expenses, first the fixed ones (like mortgage and gas, which may not be fixed, but it’s something you probably can’t really adjust too much).

        Then other essentials that you can modify if needed, like food.

        Then, make a list of other things that aren’t essential, but you spend money on, like Netflix, gym, that kind of thing.

        Ideally, I’d look at your bank/credit card statements for the past couple months, and divide those things into those categories for each month, so you can get an idea of what you’re spending on each month.

        I have an additional category for “extra,” that I use for random things that come up, like doctor’s appointments or needing house air filters or whatever random stuff is needed that month.

        Compare your expenditures against how much money that’s coming in per month. If you’re spending more than you make, that’s where you need to make decisions on where to cut back- maybe it’s eating out less, or reducing the amount or type of meat you cook. Maybe it’s reducing streaming services, if you have two, maybe pick your favorite.

        I’d ideally build in something for savings, and have it automatically transferred immediately after getting paid. You can start small, like $100-200 a month. Slowly build a cushion of savings, at least $1000, and go from there. That will help you deal with unexpected expenses, so you don’t have to go into debt when things come up, like they always do.

        I also use goodbudget, it’s an app that’s free for the basic version, and I track my budget on my phone as I make purchases and pay bills. I’m not perfect- some months I overspend. But having a budget ($x for food, $x for gas, $x for bills, $x for savings, and $x for “extra”) has helped me so much. I hope you find a method that works for you. Paycheck to paycheck is stressful!

        1. Starryemma*

          I also pay my bills/savings pretty much immediately after getting paid, before I have a chance to spend money on other optional things. And sometimes it means tough decisions, like eating a cheaper dinner at the end of the month, because funds are low then.

    3. Menacia*

      Getting on a good financial track takes a willingness to change your habits that are keeping you living check to check. I actually like the idea of not using credit for the majority of purchases because you are forced to see what you have to work with. My mother is currently 30k in credit card debt, for no reason other than she uses her credit cards for all her purchases so has no idea what she is actually spending. She’s at the point where she was thinking of a reverse mortgage which she has now changed to a loan to pay off her credit cards. She has a paid off house worth close to a million that she can’t keep up and has to pay 12000 a year on in taxes, she is not willing to sell and downsize. She is stubborn about not wanting to change her lifestyle so she’s ended up where she is.

      It’s going to take work to change your situation and you have to be open to the change and not use excuses which only keep you in the same situation. My mother never taught me how to budget, thankfully I learned it when I struggled to pay my bills in my 20’s. My husband is also very budget conscious, which is also key, you both have to work together in order to be successful.

      1. Dan*

        I actually find things a bit easier with credit cards. I plan all of my cash flow on a spreadsheet, and don’t mind my bank account all of that much. All of my discretionary spending goes on a credit card, and I set a “limit” of $X for the month for me. In five seconds, I can pull up my CC balance and see where my spending is for the month. I can’t do that with my bank account, because I have various auto withdraws that hit at various times of the month. While I just got paid on Friday, I have to look at my spreadsheet to see how much “extra” I have, becaus there are several bills that have to get paid between now and next pay day.

    4. Mallory*

      Not a method per se but soecific to your insurance- I would make the teens pay for their own portion of insurance. Or half, if you feel really badly about it. I paid $1600k/year for mine as a teen in 1999, and I was under my parents’ policy. They can work for it. I’d give them a stipend for gas equivalent to getting to/from school and a few social events. That’s it.

      My parents took a pretty hard line about paying for my “fun” as a teen. I had a part time retail job. I also babysat on weekends. I did chores at home and got an allowance. I got great grades in honors classes and played a sport, so i really don’t but “they’re too busy with school.” I worked in the off season.

      1. Dan*

        There’s no shame in making people who want adult privileges to “suffer” adult consequences.

        My parents weren’t “hard” on me so much as they were just plain broke. I got used to paying my own way for many things (like, um, college and then a car) and not having fancy toys my classmates had. There wasn’t any shame — it was just life.

    5. Enough*

      Look at Michelle Simgletary’s 21 day fast. She writes a column for the Washington post and has a few books out.

    6. CatCat*

      The book “All Your Worth” plus the budgeting software YNAB. We’ve had great success managing our finances with these tools.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m a huge fan of YNAB. Even if you don’t use their software, their website is full of videos and tutorials for their method of financial management. Their target market is people in your position who are living paycheck to paycheck and struggling with debt and bills.

    8. MsChanandlerBong*

      My husband and I have been successful by customizing Dave Ramsey’s program to meet our needs and preferences. I can’t stand his proselytizing, and I think his investment advice is awful. However, his basic financial advice is spot-on. In a nutshell, he wants people to have an emergency fund for unexpected expenses, eliminate debt, put as large of a down payment as possible on a home purchase, and then when they are financially stable, save for retirement and invest to build wealth. That’s solid advice. So when I listen to his podcast, I just skip past the religious and political stuff. I also disagree with his no-credit approach (especially since we rent right now and plan to buy a house soon; it is extremely difficult to get a mortgage company to do manual underwriting, even though Ramsey recommends it so often that readers could be forgiven for thinking it is easy), so we don’t follow it. Our focus is on saving for emergencies, paying off debt, and improving our credit scores.

      I started following Ramsey in 2015 when we nearly had our vehicle repossessed and had a really bad year due to a 7-month stretch of unemployment for my husband. We still have a lot of debt to repay, but we have a $1,000+ cushion for small emergencies, our bills are paid early/on time, we will probably be able to buy a house by the end of 2018, and we no longer have stress-fueled money fights. This year alone, we paid off more than $11,000 worth of debt (and we make less than $70K per year combined, so that is a pretty good percentage of our income).

      1. Melody Pond*

        This really resonates with me – the part about customizing Dave Ramsey’s program to fit our needs and preferences. I also dislike his proselytizing.

        But like you, I do find his “baby steps” to be a helpful summary of his program. I like most of Elizabeth Warren’s advice in “All Your Worth” better/more helpful, but she doesn’t have something like the baby steps as a quick summary of what she’s all about.

        So, Mr. Pond and I created our own – our version of the “baby steps”, taking the core of Dave Ramsey’s basic financial advice and combining it with Elizabeth Warren’s more specific ideas.

        We actually put together a presentation on Google Forms, to be able to send to Mr. Pond’s parents and brother (they needed some help figuring out what to do, which is very normal in this day and age). I realized today that I’m always super interested in the weekend threads that ask about personal finance, so I modified it to be able to share here.

        If you (OP) or anyone else are interested, here it is:

        https://goo.gl/forms/0wBDXDTOdPe5kyBe2

    9. Dan*

      Self discipline. Personal finance is really simple math — what comes in has to be more than what goes out. If it’s not, “things” aren’t going to work. There’s no dancing around or some magic potient that makes that not true.

      Why is your “credit is of course terrible”? You say that as if it’s a given, but it’s not. So your auto insurance is killing you — in comparison, for just myself in a similar HCOLA, my full coverage autoinsurance is $60/mo. When I first started driving and bought a new-to-me used car financed through my credit union, my insurance was $200/mo. I’ve never had an accident.

      So, some things are what they are, but with PF, you have to be willing to confront hard things and make uncomfortable choices. You will have to change things about the way you live. As others have said, budget. Know where your money is going, and where you want it to go. I just use Excel.

      FWIW, least I come across as all high and mighty, I’ve been there, and still am to some extent. I borrowed a lot of money for school ($92k), and in 2013, I lost my job and split from my ex-wife within four months of each other. All said and done, I ended up with $20k on my credit cards. I’m down to $10k, and expect that to be paid off by the end of 2018. (My credit is quite good, and it’s how I got through things. I’m able to get balances transfers at 0% APR for 18 months, with only a 4% fee.) A lot of my cash flow goes towards paying debt — students loans are $600/mo, and my CC debt is another $600. Yes, that’s $1200 that I wish was going to other things, but those other things aren’t options for me while I’m paying off that debt.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I made a commitment a while ago to continuously look for ways to reduce bills. It has paid off well for me and now is a part of everyday life.
      So taking the insurance as an example:
      Can your agent find you a cheaper policy?
      Are you willing to swap for vehicles that cost less to insure?
      Can the kids contribute to the insurance bill?
      Can you all get discounts for taking a safe driver course?
      How much longer will the accidents be on their record for insurance purposes?

      It’s amazing what you can do with even smaller bills. I was buying water softener salt from Big Company. A friend pointed out that you can get the same thing for 50% less at a building supply store. This year I learned that they will sell me broken bags for $1 each. Ta-da! I reduced a $75 bill down to $5.

      But I have done this with everything. I look stuff and say, “Do I need this, does it add value to my life, etc”. I quit buying hair care products and my hair is actually better on a consistent basis. What ever new solution I find, the new idea must be as good as or better than the old idea. Don’t be afraid to still demand quality solutions.

    11. Anon Today*

      I honestly have no idea where the money goes. With the stress of the pregnancy we switched to him in control of the money and me just spending until the cards didn’t work. I was so ill after the babies (#2 was a freebie surprise after $50K in fertility treatments for #1). The doctors said I was terminal in 2013 and they told husband to put me in hospice. I know he’s felt helpless for so long with my illness. (I have lupus with organ involvement in addition to a handful of other diseases.)

      He makes a considerable amount and gets paid weekly so he’s always planning last minute bail out payments with each check. I like the spread sheet ideas, I’ll check out the different programs. I need to get back involved. It just seems when I try I get sick again and let the ball drop. I wish they had a service for personal finance failures – maybe they take 5% and give you a card for groceries a card for gas and a card for entertainment (eating out).

      My kids do need to carry their weight. They spend so much energy taking care of me and have witnessed such crap there’s a lot of guilt. My teenage son took me to the clinic, I thought it was a heart attack but it was PEs throughout both lungs. He saw me leave the clinic in an ambulance. Husband couldn’t afford to come home so I sat in the hospital for two weeks with my teenagers the only ones coming to see me. My son brought me clothes (read: underwear) but you know how laundry is – the regular wear ones weren’t folded and put away in the drawer, just the frilly ones – the nurses found it very amusing.

      Really that’s all a long winded excuse. I have to focus long enough to get us on a structured program so when I can’t focus he can maintain it and it will keep us on track.

      2. Mallory*

        With this context, I think you still being the kids in, but less “Hey, mooches, pay your own way” and more as part of a broader family discussion. They’ve already lived through the tough stuff. They can handle a grown up conversation about family finances and budgeting. Everyone is going to go on a budget, here’s what that means, your dad busts his butt working and there’s not too much I can do on that front bc of my illness, so here’s how we are going to come together as a family. That sort of thing.

        Depending on the teens’ ages, it might also be appropriate to start a convo about how/if college will be paid for. I assume you will not be adding that to your expenses, so it’s best for a 14/15 year old to know to keep grades up, explore state schools, and make smart decisions about education. Telling a kid at 17 who has spent years dreaming of private college across the country that they have to go to state school isn’t fair; telling a 14 year old they should plan on state school and loans unless they get scholarships/aid is fine. My parents did the former to me- literally let me *apply* to expensive schools, before telling me they weren’t paying- how was I to know?! I had stellar grades though and got a merit scholarship, then we split the rest in loans and it worked out. But I was so, so angry that it hadnt been mentioned until the last minute.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          I hear you on the colleges. My father encouraged me to apply to name brand colleges that I wasn’t interested in. When he’d finally brought me somewhat around, he said they didn’t have the money, I’d have to look somewhere cheaper. Grrr!

      3. Starryemma*

        It sounds like your family has had a lot on it’s plate. You can do this! Baby steps. I’m rooting for you.

    12. Ramona Flowers*

      I am currently in the process of clawing my way out of debt. My number one tip is to make a realistic budget that includes everything. Not just essential bills and food. You need to factor in the other things you’ll need or want to spend money on, like hair cuts and Christmas presents.

  79. Jan*

    When seeing my family for the holidays, no one says hi or hugs anyone. I try to be nice and friendly, but it hurts when no one even says hi to you. I bought gifts for everyone too , but they don’t say anything. I send out thank you notes, but no one does the same

    Does anyone else have this happpen to them?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      That sounds really hurtful, and I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

      My husband and I bought gifts for his family, knowing that they can’t reciprocate (and we told them not to since we know they can’t afford it). We bought his nephew (he’s 18) a nice 60.00 toolbox, one niece a gift card to a restaurant she likes (she’s 25), the other niece money towards a trip she wants to take for college (she’s 20), gift cards for his parents to a restaurant they like, and a large Yankee Candle jar candle for his sister (she’s 50). Two of the kids (oldest and youngest) and his sister didn’t say thank you at all. Husband was pretty annoyed since he went to a lot of trouble finding the right toolbox for his nephew, and his sister should know better at her age. But whatever.

      I don’t send formal thank you notes in the traditional sense, but I do send a thank you via Facebook, email, phone or text (or in-person if someone gives me something in person or I’ll be seeing them soon). Many, many times I don’t get a thank you when I send money to nieces and nephews for birthdays or holidays. So I stopped. (It’s not like they’re young–they’re all late teens/20s/30s now. I wouldn’t do that to a young kid.)

      And of course there’s the whole Christmas card thing. I still like to send/receive them, but those days are pretty much gone and I get more and more frustrated every year; therefore, I’ve started to reduce my card list. I probably sound petty, but I feel like I make an effort, so why can’t anyone else?

      As far as hugs and saying hi, we’re not huggers in my family anyway and I’m definitely not, so I don’t even think about that. And if someone is wanting to hug, I just go along with it. We all still say hi, though. That seems odd that people wouldn’t say hi at the very least.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Oh my. Do they talk to you at all? If I went anywhere and people did not speak to me, I would leave, regardless if they were family or not.

      1. Jan*

        It depends- some do make polite conversation/small talk, others sort of do their own thing… it’s awkward because some of them I see only once a year during holidays, so I guess it’s normal? But things were different when we were younger and we seemed closer. (I guess I just miss the “old days”!)

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Seems like maybe this is just a natural progression of the family aging. I’ve noticed the same thing in my family. It’s weird, because certain cousins I always talked to when I was younger seem to just ignore me when I see them these days. Granted, I’m the youngest cousin and grew up about 12 years behind everyone else, so that could be part of it. There’s also certain cousins that no longer speak to each other after their parents died, or others are fighting for whatever reason. It’s sad that these things happen, but I’m starting to notice that this is how families evolve over the years. I no longer have my rose-colored glasses of childhood. Sucks though, because now that I’m old enough to host extended-family get-togethers, half of them don’t show up because John is there, or Sally slighted them somehow, or they just can’t be bothered.

  80. Cristina in England*

    Just wanted to say thanks to everyone in the Open Thread generally, as it is the last one of the year. I have learned so much from you all. One of my favorites was learning about internal vs external processors. Changed my life and flabbergasted my husband who had no idea that some people did not know what they thought until they said it out loud. Yep, that’s me, I’m an external processor. Didn’t know how to put it into words until I read about that. Thanks! Happy new year.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you for posting this thank-you thread.
      Count me as another student in the AAM school for lifelong learning.
      I’m now going out to do errands after procrastinating (aka observing the Jewish sabbath despite catcalls from my inner skeptic) all afternoon. (Body’s response to inner skeptic: “Ya know, it’s a good idea to have ONE day a week to just veg around the house.”)

        1. Hellanon*

          I credit AAM University with teaching me the skills I needed to make the transition to management from faculty/technical staff – absolutely could not have negotiated it successfully without Alison and y’all.

      1. Cristina in England*

        I think it was a comment in a Saturday open thread a few months back. I’ll try to find it later.

  81. Aussie Teacher*

    I have never dieted in my life as I’ve always been naturally slim, and my body has always maintained a steady weight, even after having 3 kids. Suddenly this year, my high sugar, hi carb, high fat diet has caught up to me and I’ve put over 10kgs on!
    I decided enough was enough and I’ve gone on a no sugar, low carb diet. Today is Day 5 and man it’s hard. I’m managing without carbs surprisingly well, considering how much I love pasta, but I’m craving sugar like you wouldn’t believe!!! All I can think about is eating icecream. Someone tell me this gets better!

    1. anon24*

      It does! I do food challenges a few times a year where I eat super clean and the first 10 days are usually horrible. I never knew how much food was an addiction for me before I started doing them. After 10 days the cravings stop and sweets stop looking appealing. Hang in there!

    2. nep*

      When you say no sugar, do you mean refined sugar / sugar hidden in processed foods? Are you allowing yourself fruit?
      All the best to you. I think drinking plenty of water helps everything in this regard. It will get better and I’m sure your body and brain with thank you for it.

    3. Tris Prior*

      It does get better. I mostly cut out sugar a couple months ago. At Christmas I ate some pie and some cookies and was shocked at how sweet they tasted to me – too sweet. I ate 2 homemade cookies and stopped because I was satisfied. That has never, not once, happened in my entire life, I always ate at least half the batch in 1 sitting.

      1. nep*

        It’s amazing how this happens.
        I indulged in something at work this week that I hadn’t had in years — I eat little to no food with additives, high fructose corn syrup, and the like — and boy did I feel crappy after eating it.
        And after cutting out artificial sweeteners years back I began using honey in tea and coffee; I’ve taken both black for years, though, and now it would taste awful to me with any sweeteners.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Have you seen the pasta made out of lentils or beans? Check the pasta aisle. It’s not exactly the same but it is nice to have something at any rate. It’s a cool product they only have that bean or lentil in them.

      1. nep*

        Good thing to try.
        I really like Trader Joe’s black bean rotini. I’ve not had pasta for years and I don’t miss it — just was curious to try this, and it’s a good source of fiber and some protein.

  82. oranges & lemons*

    I’m looking for recommendations for novels that are strange but well-written and reasonably compelling. Has anyone come across one of these unicorns? My definition of “strange” is pretty broad: I will take anything unpredictable, idiosyncratic in style, challenging, experimental, and/or based on an unusual concept.

    I don’t have a lot of patience for directionless plots, infinite descriptive passages, or anything that feels like a description of a dream, which often seems to come with the territory with more eccentric or experimental novels. In terms of genre, I will read anything. Any ideas?

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I don’t *think* any of these are particularly dreamlike:
      House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski
      Haruki Murakami, especially A Wild Sheep Chase and Dance Dance Dance (some of his other books are probably too light on plot for you)
      Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders
      The End of Mr Y by Scarlett Thomas
      possibly Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke, although it’s been long enough since I’ve read it that it might not be as weird as I remember it being

      1. Lcsa99*

        I loved House of Leaves but I might personally consider it dreamlike.

        Tom Perrotta’s early books are great. I personally loved Little Children. My husband loved The Wishbones. His books are very character driven.

        1. Lcsa99*

          Re-reading your post, I don’t know why I suggested Tom Perrota. They are excellent books but not weird.

          1. oranges & lemons*

            I recently volunteered at a reading by Tom Perrotta–I really like his work! I would consider it a bit weird, at least his more recent books.

    3. soupmonger*

      Good question! I love odd stories and novels, but I’m pretty picky (same reasons as you, it sounds like)

      I’d recommend Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem – Tourette’s bodyguard/minor wannabe mafioso investigates his boss’s murder. Utterly brilliant. Also The Humans by Matt Haig – alien in human academic’s body reports on family life as he sees it.

      Let me know if either of those meets your standards and I’ll come back with more. But only if you swap me some of your recommendations:)

    4. fposte*

      Oh, what an interesting request! Can you give some examples of books that have fit that description for you, so we have a better idea of what kind of thing strikes the right chord?

      1. oranges & lemons*

        Good question! I think my request comes mostly from frustration with books that have a really intriguing premise but disappointing (to me) execution. As I say, my criteria are pretty broad. Some books that I really like that may be in the ballpark: House of Leaves, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, The Secret History, The Man in the Empty Suit, anything by Octavia Butler.

          1. LizB*

            Ha, I was going to suggest some Mieville. His stuff is always wonderfully weird. TC&TC would have been my first rec, but I also love Embassytown and Three Moments of an Explosion (which is a short story collection).

            My other suggestion would be Too Like the Lightning by Ada Palmer. Also sci-fi, lots of conceptual and philosophical ideas being played with in weird ways, but it’s definitely not dreamlike; there’s plenty of plot and mystery happening.

    6. Book Lover*

      The Deaming Jewels, by Theodore Sturgeon. Not a long novel but one that I think back to over and over again.

    7. Rookie Manager*

      The first fifteen lives of Harry August by Claire North, The girl with all the gifts by MR Carey and Life after life by Kate Atwood are all novels I found strange, well written and compelling in different ways. Not sure if they are the kind of thing you are looking for but I have recommend all several times.

      1. Teach*

        Seconding Life After Life – really good read with dream-like surreal feel while also having a distinct plot.

        1. Rookie Manager*

          Have you read the sequel? I didn’t love it as much but really enjoyed revisiting the family from a new perspective.

          1. Teach*

            No! Now I need to order it…I’ve read that book at least yearly since I found it. Something about it just grabs my imagination.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      I adore Amy Greene’s books. Bloodroot is an uncommon slice of Americana with a bit of folklore magic thrown in. Long Man is about the people who were affected by the TVA stuff, a pocket of history that doesn’t seem to be addressed anymore.

    9. Windchime*

      There is a trilogy about vampires (not the glittery, romantic kind — the terrifying kind) by Justin Cronin that I found strange and compelling. I like the way he writes; he’s descriptive but he doesn’t go on and on for pages in describing things. The first book is called “The Passage”. The books are page-turners; the characters well-developed and the books have a very post-apocalyptic feel to them.

    10. oranges & lemons*

      Thanks for the recommendations everyone! I am adding some of these to my to-read list. To clarify, I don’t mind dream-like books, I just get a bit tired of the ones that just get meandering and confusing, with little sense of cohesion, like hearing someone describe the events of a dream. I am particularly interested in more experimental novels that don’t have this kind of issue, but I realize this is a tall order.

    11. JKP*

      Time’s Arrow by Martin Amis – “ex-Nazi doctor Tod T. Friendly wakes at the moment of his death and runs backwards in time, like a movie played in reverse, (e.g., factory smokestacks scrub the air clean,) unaware of the terrible past he approaches. Amis’s device, which at first seems merely a clever conceit, is handled so skillfully that living backwards becomes not only natural but a perfect metaphor for the Nazis’ perverted logic.”

    12. Woodswoman*

      A terrific book that meets your criteria is the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, an award-winning novel. It was one of those books I didn’t want to put down because I was eager to find out what happened next.

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell was extremely weird (he also wrote Cloud Atlas, I believe) but the ending depressed me like crazy, so that’s something to watch.

    14. AcademiaNut*

      Jasper Fforde? He writes fantasy novels that are completely bonkers, but a lot of fun. The Thursday Next series is particularly good for people who read a lot, as there are a ton of literary references and jokes.

      1. The first Thursday Next (now there's another I guess)*

        That author has another book out – Sourdough, which has a similar feel to Mr Penumbra’s 24 hour bookstore.

    16. Aealias*

      Have you tried Tom Robbins? I read “Skinny Legs And All” when I was younger, on a friend’s recommendation, and noped out. The strangeness was not for me. But you’re seeking strange! It might be for you.

    17. The first Thursday Next (now there's another I guess)*

      The Good People by Hanna Kent. It’s well written. It’s mostly literary historical fiction, but takes place in rural 19th century Ireland and all the characters believe in faries, traditional superstitions etc which gives the novel a different tone than just strait historical fiction.

      The Stars are Legion by Kameron Hurley. Sci-fi; takes place on a bunch of dying star ships. The world is unique – 100% female, with no explanation as to why and weird monsters and kind of living ships. There is a lot of violence. Also the Worldbreaker saga by Kameron Hurley. There are 2 of 3 books out now. Also violent but very interesting world building and characters.

      If you like fantasy, any of the books by N.K. Jemison. Her writing, storytelling and world building are all great.

    18. Cheshire Cat*

      I discovered N. K. Jemisin this year & especially loved the Broken Earth trilogy. It’s very well-written apocalyptic fiction, but the heart of the story is a woman’s search for her daughter. The trilogy is satisfying if you read it at surface level, but the social commentary gives it additional depth and resonance.

      Two books I read this year are mind-stretching and gave me a lot to think about: The Tourist by Robert Dickinson & Dark Matter by Blake Crouch.

  83. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Happy new year, all! I’m really grateful for all of you and the joy this site brings me. Thank you for being readers (and commenters)!

    What’s the best thing that happened to you this year?

    1. Cristina in England*

      Happy New Year!

      Probably the best thing this year was my son’s language explosion around 20 months (he just turned 2). He is very entertaining. Today he put a piece of tape on my bum and said “your bum is old and rusty”. I am still cracking up about that one. He also said to my husband “I love it when you’re my friend”. He is a sweet, funny kid!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes! Now that the move is behind us, it’s so nice to be in our new house. We were in a pretty small townhouse before and both worked from home, and it was easy to feel sort of on top of each other. It’s so nice having space, and not having to work from the living room couch (although I admit I still like doing that), and we’re just really enjoying relaxing in the house itself now that we’re settled in.

        1. Lcsa99*

          That’s actually our favorite thing of the year. We bought an apartment in a co-op. It’s so nice owning and feeling a part of something and we’re so much happier. It’s impossible to think of how long we lived in our craptastic apartment before getting up the nerve to do this.

        2. Cristina in England*

          That’s so great that you’ve settled in and are able to just enjoy it now. I’m sure the cats are enjoying the extra room too!

    3. nep*

      Happy new year. Thanks, Alison and all.

      I’d have to say the best thing was observing the three-year-old we take care of FINALLY going on this huge slide at a nearby park — after watching other kids for months, then one day hanging out at the top several times only to grab on to me, too scared to take the plunge. When she finally did — wow. Just wow. (Then she proceeded to do it about 25 more times.)
      Also anytime she laughed, or started dancing and said, ‘Dance with me!’

    4. JenM*

      Happy New Year Alison :) Here’s hoping 2018 is a good one.

      My best work related thing – I got a raise! I had been psyching myself up to ask and before I could bring it up my boss did. Very happy.

      My best best thing – my nephew got the all clear from cancer. So that was pretty awesome!

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I had to think really hard for the “best” thing. It’s been a rough year. Not hell-on-earth rough, but rough. Best thing: I discovered how strong some of my friendships truly are, even though we’re physically far apart. On a more material level, my boyfriend came into some money that’s not a ton but it’s enough to pay for some of the travel we’ve been pining over for a while and to relieve some of my financial stress.

    6. Roseberriesmaybe*

      Thank you for your great site and thoughtful advice! The best thing that happened to me this year was moving in with my partner. What was your highlight?

    7. Rookie Manager*

      Happy New Year to you Alison!

      On a long car journey this week I was pondering this question with my partner and came up with 2 answers. A) our trip to Montreal – it was awesome and I can’t wait to go back. B) Getting my current job – my organisation took a chance on me as a manager and at times it has been challenging, a huge learning curve and exhausting. Yet I feel supported by my director to take the difficult decisions which means I have the power to change things that are wrong and make them right. This makes me happy. Which makes my partner happy. And after 6 months I got a 10% pay rise. This is all thanks to you and the AAM community. Thank you.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      Happy new year Alison and huge thanks for this site.

      The best thing that’s happened to me this year is just being really happy at work, in a job I got partly thanks to finding this site.

      Also I had a wonderful time at my husband’s sisters wedding and finally properly felt like part of the family in a way I hadn’t let myself before.

    9. Dr. KMnO4*

      Going to France and Spain with a friend from college was fantastic. I even made a new friend in the ticket line at the Louvre! I very much enjoyed visiting Paris and Barcelona for the first time, and revisiting Madrid.

    10. Laura*

      I got to meet my Name Twin from New Zealand and got to actually hang out with her for two whole weeks. Was awesome.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Oh and there’s a boutique in New York with almost my name – it’s like if it was Kat Surname and I was Katie Surname.

        2. Typhon Worker Bee*

          I’ve met three of mine! One lived in the same student apartment building in grad school, one came up to me at a conference, and the other is my sister-in-law :D (She’s my husband’s sister. I changed my name when I got married and she kept hers, so we ended up with the same name! His other sister has the same name as my sister, my sister’s partner has the same name as one of my husband’s brothers, my name-twin SIL’s husband has the same name as my Dad, and I have an uncle with the same name as my husband).

    11. Elkay*

      Work related: decent pay bump after speaking up when I saw I was at the bottom of the scale for my grade.
      Non work related: getting bumped to business class on a 11 hour flight (the holiday was good too but I’d planned for that, the upgrade was a surprise).

    13. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Both of my elderly kitties (21 & 17) are still here and happy. Both have had serious health challenges this year but are now doing well considering.

    14. Mimmy*

      Happy New Year to you too Alison! I don’t comment as much as I used to but I still read and follow everyone’s stories.

      What *should* have been my best – finally getting a job after a very long period of unemployment, but I have not been happy with it, so…

      Actual best: After all the hassle with firing our first contractor, we finally have a nice, more modern-looking kitchen. It isn’t perfect and one wall still isn’t done, but it really brightens up the house.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Happy New Year, Alison! Thank you for all the updates and all you do.

      I…..got nothing. This year wasn’t as gut-punching as last year, but it’s been a long, hard, scary slog. For the first time in forever, I’m not really looking forward to next year because it just never ends. :{

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        In quiet moments I petition the universe on your behalf. You deserve some good karma / vibes / results. I don’t think I’m the only AAM reader with this wish for you.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          *hug* Thank you. If I get my three wishes, I know there will be tough stuff with them, but it will be so much better. I wish everyone else a terrific year also. I think we all could use it.

          As I tweeted at John Scalzi earlier, 2016 was a disaster. 2017 was the asshole peeing on the ruins.

        2. anon24*

          No, you aren’t the only one. I think about you a lot Elizabeth. Hoping things get better for you. If you ever feel like publishing more stories, I will buy them!

        3. Rainy*

          Definitely not the only one. Best wishes to you, Elizabeth, for a 2017 that brings you nothing but good things.

    16. Aphrodite*

      I’d say the college’s reorganization which had me changing campuses and supervisors, both of which I was dreading. Instead, it turned out to be WONDERFUL! Amazing, in fact. Sure, I’d love more money but the differences between my two previous bosses and my current one is nearly indescribable. And he feels the same about me.

    17. Felicia*

      Happy New Year to you too!

      For me the best part of 2017 was starting to learn to bellydance, which was a big scary step for me , but I even got to perform in a show this year and I love it.

    18. Dan*

      You’ll have to forgive me for bringing up The Thing We Don’t Discuss On Weekends, but…

      I got a 10% raise at the beginning of 2017. That was friggin awesome and much needed. This year’s raise was small, but I kinda expected it.

      I transferred departments a few months ago. My new manager thinks I’m Awesome. That dude sings my praises more than my own mother. (One reason I transferred into his group… small raise was decided by my prior department, from whom the feedback wasn’t nearly as positive.)

    21. KatieKate*

      Happy New Year!

      Probably my trip to Sedona and beating my financial goals for the year. Also two of my dearest friends got married and the weddings were wonderful. Aside from the global shirt show, it’s been a wonderful year!

    22. Jean (just Jean)*

      A sudden attack of superstition prevents me from describing my best experiences in specific detail–even though mine is still a very human existence with lots of ordinary challenges. But, Alison, even though I’m being horribly vague, please know that your advice really helped me and I enjoy being part of the weekend commentariat. (I read during the week but I’m usually way to late to contribute.)

      May 2018 be kind to AAM readers and the wider world. We all could use some kindness!

    23. Rainy*

      Happy new year!

      Either getting engaged (yay!) or changing roles into my current one, which has been fantastic.

    24. Aurora Leigh*

      Happy New Year to you as well!

      Best this year was meeting my boyfriend and adopting our puppy! I also moved into a much nicer apartment. I know 2017 has been a rough year for lots of people, but for me it’s been a year where so much worked out right.

      This time last year, I was pretty well resigned to being single and was planning to look into buying a house and getting a dog.

      Here I am with an amazing boyfriend an adorable puppy and making plans to move into his house when my lease is up.

      So amazing how life works out sometimes!

    26. Starryemma*

      Getting a wonderful rescue dog and taking her under my wing. She’s helped immensely with my mental healing post-miscarriage, and she’s had a lot of health needs that I’ve tended to. As my husband said, we needed each other.

    27. mreasy*

      I made a full career change into something that uses my education, after 15 years in my old industry. No small thanks to you, Alison, & this crew! <3

    28. Loopy*

      I truly love this community. I read all week! It might be the only daily thing I do without fail aside form shower and brush my teeth (I mean and eat,breathe,sleep).

      My best thing was getting engaged. It really gives me a solid vision of my future. I always knew what I wanted in life but my early twenties keep being filled with restarts- just as a natural way of life. Jobs were lost (layoff/contract type endings) relationships ended, I had to move (again and again and again). I’m thrilled to be finally feeling settled and steady as I hit thirty in June.

    29. Engineering consultant*

      Work related – I asked for, and received a 10% raise in salary! Not only was the money great, the extra boost in my own self-worth and confidence was probably the best thing that happened this year. :)

    30. AnnaleighUK*

      Best thing this year was getting engaged but our trip to France to stalk Le Tour was also amazing. We might have to do it again next year. And the year after that. And the year after that… the bikes and the car are going to get a lot of mileage, aren’t they?

    31. Max Kitty*

      I found a kitty in a parking lot in January. She got along with the kitty who already laid claim to us, so it’s been great seeing the two of them having fun together.

    32. Typhon Worker Bee*

      My book came out!

      I also got an awesome new job, and moved to a much nicer house and neighbourhood, but I have to go with the book, which has been on my bucket list for years. I was so nervous for the first couple of reviews, but it’s turned out pretty well. I’ve had fun signing friends’ books for them, and my email has been so interesting lately – I’ve answered questions from several students and journalists, and even helped out an author who wondered if the topic of my (non-fiction) book would work for her sci-fi novel. (We decided it wouldn’t, but I came up with an alternative that she seemed quite happy with).

      I haven’t done much writing since (moving house and then the new job took up all my mental energy), but it’s top of my resolution list for 2018!

    34. CAA*

      I retired and celebrated by going on a 3-week trip to Scandinavia. That’s the longest non-work trip I’ve ever been on and it was heavenly.

    35. HannahS*

      Happy New Year! I got in to and began medical school. Despite having my undergrad education disrupted by the development of a chronic illness, despite being told by my doc to give up the idea of it, despite being rejected and having to write the MCAT…well, more than twice, let’s just say. It was a huge undertaking that honestly required a lot of support from my parents–both financial and emotional. I like to tell them it was a group effort.

      When I was first diagnosed and the rheumatologist scoffed, “Well, THAT’s off the table” in response to my “I was thinking to go to medical school,” my mom, a doctor, quietly told me a story in the car on the ride home. When she was diagnosed with her own chronic illness, the doctor in question said to her father, “You’d better tell Hannah’sMom that she can’t go to medical school! It’ll be too hard, and she’ll get too sick.” My grandpa (having his own chronic illness–I know, we’re a sick family) refused, saying, “Hannah’sMom will be sick no matter what, so why shouldn’t she go to medical school?” My mom told me that since her father had refused to tell her not to go to medical school, she also refused to tell me the same. If it was what I wanted, then I had her support.

    36. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      -Heading toward arriagemay….;)
      -Leaving a highly toxic parental situation (though the nmom sends reams apologizing she’s sorry she was so mean, but it’s bc she wants to go to the wedding, and look good, instead of really changing, I think. Communication is very minimal if at all).
      -Figuring out who my true friends are, that friends are my family
      -Discovering I can actually cook decent stuff from scratch (clam soup and a pad Thai-like stir fry recipe)
      -Discovering that I am so much more emotionally healthier, and thriving, than my parents ever expected me and fiance to ever be
      *knock on wood*

    37. Clever Name*

      Well, I got divorced in 2017, so obviously not that, but as a result of going through a divorce, I was reminded just how many amazing friends, family, and coworkers I have. I’m so lucky. Another best was adopting 2 awesome kittens. My last 2 cats were not very friendly. One was semi-feral and quite skittish. The other was just a crabby cat who got crabbier as she aged. When my ex moved out, I made him take the crabby cat (who liked him better), and I went out and got 2 kittens. One for me, and one for my son. For years, my ex had insisted that we wouldn’t get any more cats after the crabby one died. I put my faith that the universe would provide me with cats, one way or another. The universe heard and came through. :)

  84. Sad Panda*

    Am I right to feel upset that the first Christmas I receive any gifts from my step kids (who are in their early twenties) it turns out they are regifts? They gave me white chocolate which I never eat. In fact I always praise the virtues of dark chocolate. And the other item they gave me came with a story they told me about how they had just purchased the same item for themselves and then someone gave them one as well. They seemed pretty proud of the gifts they gave me so I don’t think there was malicious intent. I’ve known them for well over a decade and while we’re not super close we’ve always gotten along. Can they just be that clueless about etiquette? All that aside, it still hurts to think they originally didn’t think of me at all when I’m the “mastermind” behind all their gifts. What a thankless position to be in. It really makes me want to stop putting in all the effort.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think people need a right to be upset or not–it just kind of happens. Sorry about the disappointment–I like a nice gift myself.

      But what kind of gifts do these guys give their dad? Was it better when you didn’t get any gifts from them, and what do you think happened to change that? It’s also possible that they and their dad just aren’t gift people and you really are, which can be a tough wavelength difference to reconcile.

      It also sounds like stuff they think has been coming from their dad has really been coming from you; I think you reasonably can stop the effort now that they’re adults if their dad isn’t willing to do present-giving on his own. And go buy yourself some nice dark chocolate.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Yes, and if other relatives come to you and ask you what to get your step-kids, you can redirect them either to your husband or to the kids themselves since they are adults.

    2. soupmonger*

      Well, they don’t know you’re the ‘mastermind’ behind their gifts, presumably. I’d also assume that as the stepmum, you have to be pretty attuned to their likes and dislikes, and have used that tuning to choose their presents. Early twenties tend to be pretty self-obsessed and it could be they simply chose things for you which they’d like themselves. Can you tell yourself it’s a great big step forward that they got you presents at all this year, as a consolation?

    3. Mrs. Kate*

      They’re clueless. And probably waited until semi last minute and couldn’t come up with good ideas. I really wouldn’t take it personally if the attitude seemed enthusiastic.

      How well do they know you? Meaning, did they grow up with you? I’m 35 and my step-mom is relatively new to the scene- she and my dad married about 3 years ago after dating for 5. For years she got nothing, then she got a gift basket of fruit sent to her house (we often didn’t see her on Christmas). Now I typically get her and my dad joint presents (tickets to something for example), and maybe a small pet related present because she’s obsessed with her dog.

    4. Dan*

      You feel how you feel, there’s nothing wrong with that and you should process it/deal with it. Although, I have a rule in my life — given a choice to be angry/upset and “do something about it” and letting things go, I let things go. (But only if it’s not avoiding problems down the road.)

      You don’t say how long you’ve been step mom, but if you’ve come into their lives while they’re late teens/early adults, you’re not “mom”. You are “Sad Panda”.

      My ex-FIL (father in law) started dating someone when my ex and I were about 30. If you asked me, that woman tried too hard. The funny thing? I liked her. She and I work in the same industry, so we could always talk shop. (Hey, it’s better than not talking at all, right?) But as someone my FIL was dating? She was “Cindy”. She wasn’t future mom (or future MIL), she was my FIL’s girlfriend, better known as “Cindy.”

      But she was weird about gifts. Once, she and my ex-FIL went to Hawaii for a work trip (work for her, fun for him.) They brought back presents for everybody. (Everybody includes my ex’s sister, her husband, and their four kids.) The guys all got the same visor. I wasn’t expecting anything, and I think I mumbled out a “ok thanks.”

      For Xmas, we got sheets. I don’t know where she got that idea, but I wasn’t expecting them. Again, I was like “ok, thanks.”

      My ex said to me later, “Cindy wants to know why she can’t win with you.” I was like, WTF? I actually like Cindy. She’s cool. But she buys us souvenirs like we’re children, and no guy is ever going to get excited about sheets for Xmas. If she’s trying to be mom, she should just give it up, because she won’t be. And she really won’t be my MIL either, because she’s not your mom.

      So, all of this is to say that I liked Cindy, but Cindy was weird with gifts. She came across as trying to hard, as if she was trying to be a parent to 30 year old adults who already had them. I’m not sure if any of this is applicable to OP, but I figured I’d throw it out there.

    5. Starryemma*

      I think it would be totally fair to pass gift buying responsibilities to their dad next year. At the very least, it might preserve some of your sanity.

      My husband’s mom and dad both remarried within the past few years. He likes both of the spouses fine, but we honestly don’t spend much time choosing gifts for them. We typically just do a joint gift for them both, though once or twice we’ve done something more personal. I know it’s tender, and I’m sorry. For my husband, though he likes them, they’re not his parents, so he doesn’t take the same care, especially because he’s only known them as an adult, so it’s a friendly, but not parental relationship. His sister is probably better about choosing more thoughtful gifts.

      I hope you can both protect yourself and find some peace.

    6. KatieKate*

      Honestly, I am horrible at buying gifts for my non step parents. Anytime my mother mentions something she wants or likes, I jump in IMMEDIATELY so I can gift it for her. My dad normally gets taken to brunch because he’s so tough to buy for.

      Would it be helpful to reframe what you are looking for in a gift? Are you looking for a small, “thinking of you” gift that you want them to be more thoughtful about, or do you want something that’s more on the level of what they get their father? I don’t think they’re malicious–just clueless

    7. Sad Panda*

      To answer some of the questions:

      I’ve know them since they were toddlers and while they didn’t live with us, they did spend every other weekend with us until they were teenagers and didn’t visit quite as often.

      They know I’m behind most of the gifts because my husband always gives me credit. He does help, and it’s not that he doesn’t pick out anything at all, it’s just I find all the little stuff they appreciate that he might not think of. For example, I go out of my way to find the exact type of candy they really like for their stockings instead giving them all the same thing that happened to be on sale. I want them to really enjoy their gifts and I bust my a$$ to ensure that happens.

      I don’t know why the presents just started this year. They gave hubby what I felt were more thoughtful items which I guess I should expect since he’s the parent? I dunno. I almost think it would be better not getting anything at all because then I can think “they just don’t think to get their parents something at their age”. It bothers me more knowing they intentionally got something for him and the only reason I got anything was something they didn’t want fell into their lap. They also don’t acknowledge me on my birthday or Mother’s Day. The latter isn’t much of a surprise because their mother kind of beat into their heads that me and my family are not to be considered part of their family (even though apparently their stepfather’s family IS), but I can’t even get a text message on my birthday? I’m not asking for a public post if they are worried their mother will see it.

      I’m sure some of this stems from the fact that other than my husband I don’t really feel like there’s anyone in my life who reciprocates my thoughtfulness. Perhaps I’m taking that too personally.

  85. Carriedaway*

    So, I’m looking for advice from people that are landlords and/or people with experience owning multi-unit homes.

    I’m 27 and own a condo that I’ve rented out to someone. That being said, I’d like to own more – however in looking at the cost of upkeep it seems that the costs are lower on multi-unit homes. My plan would be to buy an already occupied multi-unit and to manage it as is.

    That being said, what is considered a good investment? Obviously a place that “pays for it self,” by covering the expense of the loan and any repairs. But what else? My research doesn’t give any advice so far as red flags.

      1. GreyNerdShark*

        Anything with an elevator is going to cost you. Ditto any other fancy facilities like gyms or pools.

        Where I live the blocks of flats are managed by a committee that has owners on it, whatever manages them in your area find the meeting minutes. Do they spend money on maintenance? Do they keep money in hand or are there many emergency levies? Is it mostly rentals or mostly owners?

        Rentals are like flats you buy to live in: good ones are well located and well laid out. A good flat will get a good tenant and good tenants are like gold. They pay the rent on time, they keep the place clean, and they don’t annoy the neighbours. My mother’s tenant asked for an aircon this year. We gave him one without a quibble, the money spent is less than 3 months rent for a long term very reliable very clean tenant. It could cost us more than half that in re-rental expenses. (The flat in question is small and pokey although close to the centre of the suburb it is in, it can be hard to get good tenants as the area has a bad rep, before him we had 3 tenants in 3 years which costs money.)

  86. Laura*

    Dealing with the flu. Ugh. Would not wish this on my worst enemy.

    But I haven’t been sick in a couple of years so… I supppose I was overdue- just wish it wasn’t the flu.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Terrible way to ring in the new year. I hope you’re getting plenty of rest and feel better soon!

    2. Jen in Oregon*

      I’m right there with you. It hurts to hold up my head. May we both be well sooner rather than later!

  87. nep*

    For those who use WordPress — I’m seeking a plugin that will let me do a gallery of sorts to display articles. Right now I’m using one that allows for a title under a photo — it’s a grid of photos, each linking to an external URL of the article. What I’d like is something that lets me put a little blurb under each photo rather than just a title. I’ve tried a number of plugins for galleries and portfolios but have yet to find one that lets me do this (or I might be losing patience and giving up too soon…).

  88. Still at the Ortho...*

    I was really, really looking forward to New Year’s since my orthodontist promised I would be out of braces by year’s end.

    I wanted to overhaul my eating habits and lose a lot of weight (can’t eat crunchy/healthy stuff with constant mouth pain), take better care of my skin (had to quit my Clarisonic since the vibration on my face was torture), and wean off migraine medication (inherited from my mom, but also aggravated by the mouth pain).

    At my ortho appointment yesterday, he made some minor adjustments and told me to come back in six weeks. It’s always another excuse: teeth move slower in adults, I have a lot of complications due to the extensive wear and grinding, my overbite and oversized front teeth are abnormally difficult…

    I went to my car and cried. It’s been over three years and I am SO SICK of this. I’m fat, my face is an acne-ridden trash fire, and I’ve had a pounding headache for three ****ing years. I don’t care about my teeth anymore. I just want my life back. I’m thinking of telling him to just take them off.

    2. nep*

      So sorry you’ve got to deal with this. Can’t imagine.
      Life with constant headaches is just hell.
      Here’s hoping you’ll get some relief very soon.

    3. Don't Blame Me*

      That sounds really hard. Honestly, if you’re that close to the end or your teeth look good enough to you, I’d say be insistent about wanting them off. Stress the migraine issue in particular and say you cannot abide having them on any more and it’s affecting your health. It’s possible you could transition to something like Invisalign if there’s more treatment you truly need.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with this. You’re the one that is living with your teeth, not the ortho. I say if you’re OK with it, just get them off. Three years of chronic pain is no joke. Hell, I lived with it (pain) for three MONTHS and I’m so over it. I can’t imagine three YEARS. So sorry you’re going through this.

      2. Effie, who is wondering*

        Another vote for this. I only had braces for about a year before I called it quits. It’s your life and if the braces are just for cosmetic reasons and not health reasons and you’re happy with how straight they are already, you can ask for them to be removed.

        Lots of internet hugs and sympathy to you if you’d like them!

    4. Thursday Next*

      I’m so sorry. This is a lot—try (easier said than done) not to look at the whole list of things at once…it sounds like the braces appt was the trigger for all this other negative thinking just now. Try to be kind to yourself! Headaches make it so hard to think clearly or positively and I hope they get better.

      I had to have 8! teeth extracted to make room in my mouth before getting braces. And I’m in my 40s and still get acne cysts, so I hear ya. Rooting for you!

    6. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetie I’m so sorry!!! I wish I had words of wisdom for you… I did my time with the full metal braces back in highschool in the early eighties. All I remember was a lot of misery! Id recommend a second opinion if at all possible. I wish you all the best.

    7. kas*

      That’s tough to deal with. I had braces for almost 2 years and after months of hearing they’re coming off soon, I finally told my ortho I had an event coming up (like a wedding or something) and I refused to still have braces for it. My teeth were straight so I wanted them off asap. He ended up taking them off before the event. If you’re happy with the way your teeth look and can’t deal with the pain any longer, maybe an excuse like that will work for you?

  89. Connie-Lynne*

    Oh hey! The Mortified stage show happens in town here a lot! I’d been thinking about going but I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy it. Alison’s recommendation makes me wanna go now!

  90. MsChanandlerBong*

    After years of being too poor for regular dental care, I now need $5,800 worth of dental work. On one hand, I am pleased that I am now in a place where I even have the ability to come up with that kind of money. On the other…ugh. That could have been a down payment on a house!

    1. nep*

      It’s expensive stuff, indeed. I imagine you’ll have a good dose of relief getting the necessary work done. Glad you’re now in a position to tackle it. All the best and keep us posted.

    2. Cruciatus*

      Do you have to pay it all at once (if you were in fact going to buy a house)? I thought I remembered hearing that there’s no interest on medical bills (I assume dental care counts as well) so perhaps you could just pay it off at a reasonable monthly rate that still lets you move forward with (reasonable!) life plans?

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I am having all of my teeth extracted and getting a set of dentures. I have to pay $3,500 in January, which will cover the extractions and a set of “healers” (temporary dentures to wear while my mouth/gums heal from the surgical work). I will then owe another $2,300 for the permanent dentures. There are cheaper options, but none of them come with a warranty. The high-end ones come with a five-year warranty that covers any damage, whether I cause the damage myself (dropping them, biting into something I’m not supposed to bite into, etc.) or there is something wrong with the dentures, so it makes more sense to pay a little more now to be able to get free repairs if they are needed.

        The actual work is around $5,300, but my state actually taxes dental services (dumbest thing I’ve ever heard), so that adds $500+ to the bill.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I just realized I forgot to mention that the $2,300 won’t be due for six to 12 months. It takes that long for the mouth to heal from such extensive dental work. The hygienist thinks it will take me 12 months considering the extent of the work being done, so that actually works out in my favor. I’ll pay the $3,500 in January, and then I’ll save about $250 per month to make sure I have enough when it’s time to pay for the permanent dentures.

        2. Red Reader*

          I did that a few years back. Discovered post-extraction: the hard palate of my mouth is shaped weirdly enough that I can’t get a proper seal on the upper plate, and I’m allergic to the adhesive options. I had to go without for two years while I saved up for implants, because they’re completely not covered by my dental insurance for any reason. So now I have a $19,000 mouth, and a near pathological aversion to smiling because of years of habitual concealment. (I don’t want to freak you out. My dentist said I was the first person he’d seen in 25 years with a hard palate issue like mine, it’s super rare. I’m just commiserating with the “down payment on a house or possibly a mid-sized sedan in my mouth” grumble.)

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            Oooh, I’m sorry that happened! I am not a candidate for implants, which is why I am going the extractions + dentures route. I have severe bone loss, and I also have multiple chronic medical conditions that make any kind of dental work riskier for me than the average person. So even if the dentist thought that bone grafts would work, I wouldn’t attempt it. Even doing the extractions, I have to coordinate it all with my cardiologist, stop taking my blood thinners a few days beforehand, take a prophylactic antibiotic, etc.

            1. Red Reader*

              Best of luck and good wishes! I was going to say, the only part of my recovery that actually took more than a few weeks was the part where I was waiting for the implant anchors to set into the bone – that was more like four or five months – but I didn’t have any other corresponding issues complicating things, so I won’t go “Maybe it’ll take less time than they’re thinking!” (But hey, maybe it will anyway, fingers crossed for you!)

    3. Loopy*

      I had to wait a while to get my wisdom teeth out and they were so messed up I had to go someplace special and be put under. I was in a similar boat with a high cost but being able to shoulder it.

      From the other side of paying for it, I will say the relief at having it done and behind you is really really immense and wonderful!

  91. nep*

    Anti-government protests in Iran…anyone following this closely? have insights or first-hand information?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Listening on NPR (at moments when I’m not doing the Ostrich Move re staying informed) and hoping like hell that the Iranian authorities don’t start acting on their threats to come down hard. Iranian authorities, can’t you try to set a new world precedent by defusing the situation without violence? Can you instead find some mutually-trusted mediators to start talking people down?
      /rant over. Signed, an ill-informed idealist.

  92. the.kat*

    I am moving!

    That thing we don’t talk about has moved me from my current office to a new one several hours away. That being said, I am overwhelmed and I haven’t even started! Do you have any tips on finding a new apartment/rental home/condo/duplex/townhouse/domicile with a pet (one large dog), how to pack, and how to hire a mover when you live in the deep country?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. ..Kat..*

      I have found that it is definitely worth going through all of my stuff before a move. That way I can donate or otherwise get rid of stuff I no longer want/need. Moving stuff you no longer want/need costs you money and time. And, if you are in the USA, your local Goodwill or St Vincent’s Society will pick up large items (or a large amount of items).

      1. ..Kat..*

        oops – just saw you live out in the country. You might not have a local Goodwill or something similar. Still, easier and cheaper to haul stuff to the dump than to pay a mover to have it moved.

        Pack anything you really care about in your car and move it yourself.

  93. Nervous Accountant*

    So. My New Yorker came out here.

    I was at Ulta swatching lipsticks. This lady stopped me demanding to see my hand. i showed her but When she took longer than a 1 second glance I told her to go to the Display where I found them. She looked at me like I was crazy and said she didn’t want to swatch on herself. I told her that’s not my problem, and I walked away. So. That was….interesting.

    Well the employee came by later and said “I wa so happy that u stood up for urself but I couldn’t say that in front of her”. We shared a good laugh.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yeah, she got in my way, for a sec I thought it was an employee but then I remembered they dont get all up in your face.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t get why she would want to look at swatches on SOMEBODY ELSE’S HAND. They won’t look the same as they do on her!

      Saying “Excuse me, where did you find those? They’re awesome,” is different.

  94. Candi*

    I was reading this Not Always Right story https://notalwaysright.com/the-entitlement-force-awakens/102627/

    The subheadings place it in New York. The context of the story places the submitter as most likely to be an hourly non-exempt worker.

    This line bugs me: “movie theaters in this state don’t legally have to pay overtime, so we unfortunately don’t really get time-and-a-half like most other places do”

    I read once that state laws can make things better than federal laws have them, but not worse. (Yes, I might be wrong. Feel free to correct me.) But assuming that’s true, how can a state law override FLSA’s overtime requirements?

    2. Enough*

      Depends on how they are classified. Summer recreational jobs like life guards and camp counselors don’t get overtime either. I think farm workers are also exempt from overtime.

    3. JamieS*

      I’m not 100% sure but I don’t think a state law can override a federal law unless it’s determined the federal government didn’t have the authority to make the law in the first place. In which case I assume the federal law would be struck down so it’d be less of an override and more of a lack of existence of a federal law.

      Back to the line that bugged you. My interpretation is that the FLSA doesn’t require overtime for movie theaters so it’s left up to the states. Some states do require overtime but the state in question (I assume NY) doesn’t.

      1. fposte*

        I think it was just that the employee mistakenly thought it was state and didn’t realize it was federal.

        1. JamieS*

          I disagree. The OP in the story only said “movie theaters in this state…” but they never said it was due to state law.

      2. copy run start*

        It’s whichever gives the most protection if the power isn’t specifically delegated to one branch, IIRC. So hypothetically, if the state said they got OT but the federal law said they didn’t, the state law would triumph and there would be OT. But if federal law said yes to OT and state law said no, then federal law would triumph and there would be OT. It sounds like neither state or federal law gives OT for this category of worker though, which is terrible.

        For a real-world example, federal law has age discrimination as against those 40+. In Montana, it is against ANY age, so a 20 year old could claim age discrimination in Montana because the state law is more protective and thus it “wins.”

  95. Therapy, yay or nay?*

    I’m not sure how many readers here have ever been to therapy but I would love to hear everyone’s opinions on this: Do you think everyone can benefit from going to therapy, or do you think therapy is only beneficial for people who have an issue to deal with (such as a mental illness, addiction, trauma etc.)?

    I’m of the belief that every person can benefit from seeing a therapist. I think therapy provides tools and insights everyone can use. I admit in the interest of full disclosure I have anxiety and OCD and see a therapist weekly to deal with those issues. I am also on medication and don’t always function well when I am having a mental health flair up.

    As a counter example, my sister has never gone to therapy (besides the pre-marriage therapy sessions at our church all engaged couples have to go do). She doesn’t think therapy would benefit her at all. She says since she doesn’t have any mental illness, had a good childhood with a non-dysfunctional family, and has no addictions or horrible traumatic past, she doesn’t need it. She says she copes well with everyday life and doesn’t have anything not under control, so it would be a “waste of time” for her. She says not everyone has a mental illness (I don’t really think this is true and everyone does to some degree but that’s another story).

    Admittedly, my OCD and anxiety are not from any past trauma or childhood issues. I had the same good childhood as my sister. My family is kind and supportive, all my relatives get along and there is no dysfunction, my parents have a happy marriage and I don’t have any addiction or traumatic past. I do have mental illnesses, but I feel like I would benefit from weekly therapy even if I didn’t have them.

    Most of my friends and other people I know agree with me that everyone would benefit from regular therapy. My family has never been anything but supportive of me, and although they are not negative about me going to therapy they don’t think everyone needs regular therapy. I think if it was not for the stigma of going to therapy and the cost, more people would go whether or not they have an issue. I’m interested to hear everyone’s thoughts on whether or not you think everyone would benefit or get something out of regular therapy or if only people who have an issue would get something out of it.

    1. Galavant*

      I respect that therapy has helped a lot of people. I think it is great for those who need it. I do agree with you about the stigma and cost and think more people would go if it was not for those factors. I wish there was no stigma around things like therapy and mental health. That being said I do disagree with you about everyone needing therapy. I don’t have any need for therapy. My life is like that of your sister and I don’t see the need for it. It would a waste of time for me. Also, I know you didn’t ask this but I also disagree with you about everyone having a mental illness. I wish you well, I hope therapy helps you and I have empathy for you, but not everyone is mentally ill. There are degrees of mental illness but it doesn’t mean everyone has one.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I agree with this. However, I hope you and the sister would be open to seeking short-term therapy if something does come up. It really can be very helpful when things become overwhelming, and you don’t have to have a mental illness for that to happen. I think some of the aversion to it comes from people who still think it’s like psychoanalysis that goes on for years. Some types of short-term counseling can work very well for issues that aren’t ongoing if addressed promptly. I’m thinking of cognitive behavioral and grief therapy in particular.

        1. Observer*

          Sure. But that’s a different thing than routine therapy or assuming that everyone has a mental illness.

          If you have a cold, go to your internist. If you have an overwhelming situation and need help dealing, see a therapist. The stigma should be the same for both (ie non-existent). But don’t run to the doctor because your mother has a cold.

    2. Dan*

      As written, literally? No, I don’t think everybody would benefit. (Most of the time, any statement that begins with “all” or “none” is usually false.)

      I started seeing my shrink right before I got divorced, and at the time, I’d go like twice a week, and I needed it. I’ve been on the one a week plan for quite awhile, and am getting to the point where I’m ready to cut back to once every two weeks. And I needed to see her often back then, and I kept going because there’s other crap that I needed to sort out.

      I’ll also say that when my shrink throws in the towel, or I move, I’m not going to restart therapy, I just don’t see the point. You have to find the right therapist, and while there’s no reason I couldn’t find another one, it wouldn’t be worth it for me. Part of the “journey” so to speak was exploring things and really trying to think about things in ways that I haven’t had to before. If I get a new shrink, I’d have to spend a lot of time on background and revisit things that just don’t do *me* any good to rehash. (They’re not painful, they’re just repetitive and boring.)

      So us guys being guys, I highly recommend therapy when there’s a problem to solve — but if there’s no problem, then I don’t see the point. BTW, you start out with “issue to do deal with” and describe some pretty heavy stuff. Issues can be much more milder.

    3. ..Kat..*

      I have had therapy. I benefited greatly from it. I think a lot of people can benefit from therapy. When I was younger, I thought there was no benefit that I could receive from therapy.

    4. HannahS*

      I certainly think that many more people than those who get help who would benefit from it, but to me it sounds a bit like saying that everyone should meet regularly with a personal trainer and dietician for the benefit of their health. Like sure theoretically they could help an already healthy person optimize their health further, but, personally if I’m happy working on my exercise and diet alone or casually with friends, if I feel I have access to the information and tools I need to make good decisions with regard to my body, if I feel that there are trends in diet and exercise that don’t seem like they’ll be a good fit for my specific needs, and if uh oh there are a whole heck of a lot of unlicensed practitioners shilling their own personal brand of healthy…I’m comfortable handling those aspects of my physical health on my own. Ditto for therapy and mental health. Personally, I find myself to be in good mental health. I feel I have a good set of coping mechanisms at my disposal for when my daily life doesn’t go well. I don’t have emotions or situations that I feel I can’t handle, or parts of myself that I feel I don’t understand. If that changed, and I felt that my mental health was declining, I’d get help. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve gotten so much from therapy, and I also think that it’s important to remember that just because something works for you doesn’t mean that everyone will benefit from the same thing regardless of circumstance. In the same way that your sister doesn’t know what’s best for your mental health, you don’t know what’s best for hers (or mine). While your sister is wrong in implying that therapy is only for people with diagnosable illnesses and traumatic pasts, it’s also not for everyone all the time.

      I think there’s a personality aspect to whether or not healthy people benefit from expert help, be it from therapy, or a personal trainer, or a dietitian. A physically fit person who already exercises in a safe and healthy way might want the reassurance and support of a personal trainer and they might like the structure of going to regular classes, in which case they’ll benefit from a trainer. Or they might find that suffocating, in which case they won’t benefit.

    5. Nacho*

      My mom’s super into therapy, brought us all along when we were kids. It wasn’t harmful or anything, but I don’t think it was helpful either, and I can’t see what it would do for me if I went back.

      I’m with your sister: Therapy is nice for people with problems, but if you don’t know why you’re going, then it’s not going to help with much.

    6. JamieS*

      I think the majority of people have the potential to benefit from therapy but if literally everyone attended therapy I don’t think everyone would actually derive a benefit despite having the potential to do so. I don’t agree everyone has a mental illness or that everyone needs therapy though. It might be reasonable to argue everyone should want therapy because of the potential benefits but want and need aren’t the same thing and I don’t think it’s reasonable to argue everyone needs therapy.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      No, I don’t think everyone does benefit from therapy. And I say that as someone who found it hugely helpful and as a partly trained therapist myself. (Only partly. Might go back to it one day if I can afford it – I didn’t continue due to finance but I’ve ended up on another path I’m happy with.)

    8. Book Lover*

      Well, if therapy were free and there was an unlimited amount of time to do the things you want to do, then sure. No one is perfect and I imagine everyone has things they could learn. But therapy isn’t free and time isn’t unlimited, so if you are happy, healthy, sleeping well, coping with life in a positive way, I am not sure why you would spend time or money on it?

      1. fposte*

        Yup. I also think going for a walk might be a better use of the time for a lot of people.

        Nothing against therapy–I go during difficult spots myself. But it’s not a guaranteed make-life-better tool for all situations.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Totally agree.
          I went for therapy twice when crisis hit my life. I am not good at picking I guess because both times the therapists needed more help than I did.
          I totally agree that there are good therapists out there. And I can back anyone who indicates they are interested in talking with someone. However, I cannot get behind the statement that everyone needs therapy.
          My reasons…
          Some of it is the marketing, it’s to a drive/promote business. We are supposed to believe we are a hot mess.

          Some therapists cause more harm than they help, I have a story of a guy whose therapist was the reason for his suicide. I have many more stories but you get the idea with this one story.

          Sometimes people are encouraged to “talk” about a problem when what is driving the problem requires physical intervention with nutrition, good diet, good self-care. Without those things in place therapy can go on indefinitely with no end in sight. To me that is unethical.

          We are human beings having a the human experience. Life is not without struggle. Yes, it is a fine line, some struggles are too great to bear alone and help is the exact thing to do. OTH, I know of a person who insists that everyone is having a peachy life and she is the only one having difficulty. Hmm. Look again, I said. There are very few people I know who are not carrying sad, sad memories and/or facing current situations that are extremely painful. I grew more concerned about this person’s worldview that life is a walk in the park. It’s not.

          And finally, I tend to back away from statements that tell people they have to go to do a Particular Thing. For one thing, people start bucking when they hear this, it does not matter what the Thing is, people do not respond well to being told what they should do. Secondly, such statements skip over other people’s right to make their own decisions about life. It’s disrespectful. And any time we take away a person’s autonomy we set ourselves up for a larger discussion that usually involves arguing. Typically our person digs their heals in even more. Which brings me to my third point, we have to think about our goal. What is it we want to help this person with? How do we phrase the message in a way that the person will hear it and consider it?

          I am a big fan of encouraging self-care. This can be whatever the person thinks it should be. It can be a soak in a hot tub, a vegetarian diet, counseling, bicycling, or whatever. People are wonderfully intuitive and they seem to gravitate toward the self-care activities that are best for them. We have to trust that they are picking correctly and we do not need to push them in a particular direction.

    9. deesse877*

      I mean, the only parallel statement I’ve ever heard is “everyone needs religion.” Many people believe that sincerely, and I wouldn’t contradict them, because I wouldn’t presume to comprehend a whole value system from a brief conversation.

      But I would also construe that, and any “everyone needs x” statement, as a criticism of me personally, or even (if the speaker has power over me or is important to me) as an attempt to control me. It comes across as “you make me uncomfortable by being different,” with a side of “my worldview is the only valid one,” and it therefore also suggests that the speaker lacks empathy. I’d ignore someone who said “everyone needs therapy” if I didn’t know them, and maybe push back if I did, but my overall goal wouldn’t be to reject therapy or question its ultimate value. It would be to get some space from someone I felt was pushy.

      In short, you can’t skip the give-and-take of personal relationships via an appeal to authority.

      1. Dan*

        You know, it’s funny. A few weeks ago on a different personal finance thread, I mentioned I have a non-trivial amount of consumer debt that I’m in no huge hurry to pay off. Why? Because it’s effectively at 2.5% interest. Note that I didn’t say I wasn’t paying it off, I just said I wasn’t in a hurry. Someone writes back and says, “nope, you absolutely should pay off consumer debt ASAP.” With interest rates that low, no, there’s no hurry, and anybody who declares otherwise either doesn’t understand math or is projecting their own value judgements (or repeating mass market consumer financial advice, which I can’t stand).

    10. Therapy was useless for me*

      I went to three different therapists over 7 years, and found it useless. I suffered from crippling fatigue and was misdiagnosed first with bipolar disorder and then with depression. After years of accomplishing nothing, I was finally diagnosed with thyroid disorder.

      Even ignoring their medical incompetence, none of their practical or emotional procedures were useful to me either. I have always been an extremely private introvert, and I found sharing personal information to be a stressful liability rather than emotionally cleansing. I found no value in what they do, and will never go back no matter what happens to me.

      I am aware that some people find their work invaluable, but it just isn’t for me.

    11. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Not everyone, no.

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with therapy, and recently sought short term therapy to help me cope with some family and money issues that arose since I can afford to try that route now instead of just blogging about everything, but my therapist thinks that I’ve already coped with the worst of the problems in a logical and healthy way so they don’t think I really need the extra help to find my way through. They wouldn’t have felt that way a year ago but I spend the intervening year actually dealing with the problems so didn’t have time for therapy. Ironically :)

    12. Observer*

      I think if it was not for the stigma of going to therapy and the cost, more people would go whether or not they have an issue.

      Totally not the case. It’s not about stigma, but simply not seeing the point. There is no stigma among most of the population, but how many people get a yearly checkup? Even people with good insurance – it just doesn’t happen. I’m talking about people who are responsible, vaccinate, stay home when they are contagious, etc.

      I actually can’t imagine any use to routine therapy. Sure, there are a lot of situations where some therapy or counseling could be useful, but that would be focused on whatever the issue is (assuming one could find someone with the appropriate competency). Having a standing appointment with the therapist just in case something comes up just doesn’t seem like a good use of time on the part of the client and therapist.

  96. Anonymous for mental illness*

    It’s been a lifesaver for me, combined with medication. I have capital-A Anxiety and straight-up can’t live without medication. When medication is doing its job, therapy helps me stay healthy. It also helps with disordered eating and self-harm. So effective with self-harm that I almost forgot to mention the issue. It will have been five years next fall! :) So personally, I have had a handful of bad experiences but overall very good results from therapy.

    That said, different things work for different people. Maybe therapy isn’t the best fit for some. I’m not sure if I really see a point in therapy for someone like your sister.

    1. Anonymous for mental illness*

      Oops, commented in the wrong place. I meant to reply in the thread about therapy above.

  97. Ramona Flowers*

    The discussion / tangent about taking home alcohol you brought to a party, and whether or not it’s rude, has got me curious. I’ll post my own answers in a follow-up comment.

    Where in the world do you live? (Though I don’t think this is necessarily regional)
    If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift?
    Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol?
    Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself?
    Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished?
    Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes?
    Can you ask to bring extra people with you?

    1. Effie, who is wondering*

      I like to bring a gift when it’s the first time I’m being invited somewhere, and Emily Post agrees with this as a rule of thumb so I feel validated ;)

      It’s nice to bring your own alcohol if you’re planning to drink (1 bottle/6-pack is fine), and if you don’t, definitely reciprocate by hosting your hosts sometime.

      Unless you have an allergy, I think the alcohol you bring should be available to everyone unless it’s a hostess gift, in which case the host(s) can decide what to do with it.

      I don’t think you should take it away with you. I’ve also never had a guest try to take theirs away with them, so this is def a thing in my social groups. But if your host offers, you decline, and they insist (which has happened), then it’s okay.

      You need to offer to help. 99% of the time the host/ess declines and is happy you offered, and 1% of the time they are immensely grateful for the help and don’t put you to work, they just give you a perfunctory task. This has only backfired on me once (I’m happy to tell the story but it might devolve into a thread of bad host stories).

      I think you can ask if it’s not a formal gathering. But if it’s a formal gathering, I think it’s tacky even to ask. Depends on your social group though.

        1. Effie, who is wondering*

          Warning: this is long
          Other warning: due to the nature of the organization, there are some work references in this story

          OK so I was interning with a nonprofit with a group of people much younger than me in life experience, not just in age, and the organization didn’t really have a line between business and personal life, much as I tried to maintain it. (In fact they frowned on it, saying I was too distant and needed to get to know my fellow interns better) So a guy who works at a company the nonprofit was affiliated with invited a bunch of his coworkers and all the interns over for a night of food and fun.

          I was a minority race. Let’s say I’m a Siren, okay? So I’m a Siren, and everyone else is an Elf (all my fellow interns, the community where we lived, the guy, all his coworkers, everyone). And he invited us over for a night of “Undine Food”. He’d printed little flyers with the name and theme of the evening out to give them to everyone and everything (left them on all our desks).

          The thing is, “Undine” is an old word with a lot of historical baggage that really shouldn’t be used in polite company to describe people and their cultures anymore. Also I majored in Underwater People Group Studies at university so I’m extra-sensitive to words like these which people in this little community in the middle of nowhere are I guess not (since that wasn’t the only time in that internship that someone used that word to refer to me).

          So all this is to say, I didn’t really want to go. But my roommate and fellow intern begged me to go and kinda guilt-tripped me into going. She promised me if I wasn’t feeling it we could leave (it was her form of transportation and I couldn’t really operate it safely).

          We arrive at Clueless Elf Guy Host’s house, and she makes a beeline for our friends as soon as we get in the house. I grab her and say, “Wait! We should find our host and thank him for hosting.” She’s like, “oh, that’s a good idea, I guess my parents usually do that! Ok let’s go.”

          We find Clueless Elf Guy Host in the kitchen and he’s prepping Mermish food. He looks up and sees us and as I’m opening my mouth to say “Thank you for inviting and hosting us, CEGH” he cuts me off, points at me and says “Thank God you’re here! I need you.”

          Faint alarm bells are ringing as I say “You…need me?”

          He points at the prepped food and says, “Yeah, you can make Mermish food, can’t you?”

          I was completely gobsmacked. And I was in his house, and I felt like I had to be a good guest. And I nodded.

          CEGH: Great! Then you can make these Mermish biscuits!

          Me (still speechless): O.o

          CEGH: Wait, you do know how to make this right?

          Me (pride stung into speech): I do, but I can only make it Siren-style. I’m not Mermish.

          CEGH: Well, no one’s going to be able to taste the difference. Don’t worry, I’ll help you! *disappears*

          Now, reader, if it were NOW or even a few years past that day, I would have said something along the lines of “Yes, and it’s $20 an hour for me to cook” or “I was under the impression I was a guest” or “Let’s go home, roommate” or just looked at him and walked away as soon as CEGH pointed at and interrupted me. But it wasn’t now, it was then. So, I…cooked.

          I stood and cooked for 3 hours straight. I cooked Siren-style Mermish food, Nymphish food, and Naiad food. People popped in and out of the kitchen to watch me cook (one friend did help me for a bit and kept me company for at least an hour. He gets some stale brownie points for that). Did I get to socialize (the point of going to this little gathering)? Barely. Did Clueless Elf Guy Host help me? He showed up to tell me what to cook next and told me where stuff was in the kitchen. Did he thank me or bark orders at me? That stunt caused me to stop what I was doing, raise one eyebrow, and look at him, which caused him to fall back and apologize profusely. I wish I’d stopped then. But I was stuck in this little tight-knit community and I was already in pretty deep and I could not deal with the intense social ramifications of being rude, which most likely would have ended up being disciplined through work and being made to write a letter of apology and self-criticism report (no, I was not working for Communist China, though sometimes it felt like it. The organization really liked beating their people down and remolding them). So I kept cooking.

          Also? The first thing I was making, the biscuits? They’re light and delicate-tasting no matter what style you cook them.

          He deep-fried them before serving them.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            I read that with my mouth falling more and more open and then almost spat out my drink at the last line! Just… !!!

            You’ve reminded me of the time I had a row on Facebook (the person blocked me but I kind of wish I’d got there first) with a professional / freelancing acquaintance who posted asking for suggestions for dishes for her Jews vs Arabs dinner party. So far she had come up with chocolate suicide bombs for dessert.

            Apparently it was uptight of me to question this as nobody else had a problem with it.

            I told all of my professional network, which covered a pretty extensive cross-section of the UK media. And I’ve never forgotten her name. If I ever run into her again you bet I will mention it.

            1. Effie, who is wondering*

              Aw, thank you Ramona Flowers! It’s a still upsetting but also funny to tell story now. It affected me very deeply because after I moved back in with my family after the internship for over a year, every time we went to a Mermish restaurant I would tell the above story (until a relative kindly and directly mentioned it to me that it was kind of wearing to hear it every time we ate Mermish food, upon which I stopped and also was able to move on mentally re: Mermish food, so see kids, venting repeatedly is not always good for you).
              It wasn’t as bad as your story in terms of inappropriateness, just…culture appropriation rather than celebrating violence (?!?! ew since they both suck and it’s sad that this is even a sentence!). And I think it was the first time I had to deal with that much in-your-face culture appropriation all at once AND was the only minority AND had no social backing AND everything else…
              Anyway, glad you enjoyed the story and thanks for sharing yours! At least that person is out of your life social-media-wise even if it feels like they had the last word. You’re better off without that yucky stuff!
              I don’t remember CEGH’s last name but I remember his company and my organization.

              1. Effie, who is wondering*

                I don’t think he even knew my name the first time he spoke to me in the kitchen!!!!

                1. Ramona Flowers*

                  I’ve just realised I might be thinking of ‘biscuit’ as the wrong thing. Here biscuits are cookies so I thought of a deep fried cookie. Now I recall it’s more like a scone?

                2. Effie, who is wondering*

                  Out of nesting :)

                  I was being vague on purpose, so any interpretation of “biscuit” works for the story!

          2. Effie, who is wondering*

            Oh, forgot to say – I also kept cooking after the mini-showdown with CEGH because I had no way of getting home. My roommate was having a whale of a time in the living room, socializing and eating and mingling and eating. I could hear her. And I knew her well enough that she would not have been willing to give that up because I felt uncomfortable. And public transportation was pretty much non-existent. Trust me, I had no options but to stay at that ghastly little soiree.

            1. Effie, who is wondering*

              It was a 10-month-long internship and after about 3 months involved a lot of traveling (luckily just with people within the nonprofit, not with Affiliated Company. We interacted with Affiliated Company much less after 3 months). This incident happened ~2 months in I think

          4. fposte*

            Holy cow, Effie. This may be even worse than the job applicants who had to cook dinner for twenty, because at least they knew that’s what they were going to have to do, and plus there’s the whole horrific racial component. I am impressed that (apparently) you didn’t spit in any of the food.

            1. Effie, who is wondering*

              Hi fposte! I hadn’t even thought of that! Thanks for pointing out an even worse component of my story （◎ー◎；）

              I was proud of my cooking abilities and ironically had been secretly wishing for more chances to cook. Not like this, though!! The thought of spitting in the food didn’t even cross my mind, also probably because my “friends” (fellow interns) were eating the food too (my family asked about that too when I told them the story). I didn’t eat anything that I cooked because I was too mad and anyway if I’m going to eat Underwater People Groups food I would just eat Siren-ish food, not Siren-style Mermish/Nymphish/Naiad-ian food (and also had eaten dinner before the party since I was afraid of what would be served).

              And you know what my roommate said on the way home? “Weren’t you afraid the food wouldn’t be authentic?” (!!!!!!!) It took some time for me to calm down and explain in words that it’s not appropriate to press your GUEST(S) into forced unpaid labor. I believe asking if her parents would ever do that made it click for her. She also said her parents wouldn’t throw a theme party and not have everything prepped ahead of time. Life experiences, yo.

            1. Effie, who is wondering*

              Aw, thank you! I had fun coming up with them. And thank you for extending my story! “Flotsam” literally made me lol

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      And my answers:

      Where in the world do you live? A village in south east England

      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift?
      Group of friends in our village: no.
      University friends: no. Sometimes we do, but more in an ‘I saw this and thought of you’ vein than ‘I can’t turn up empty handed’.
      In-laws: yes, usually we’d take a bottle of something.

      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol? Yes, or at least to offer. I have one friend who always asks me to buy and bring wine, and it used to annoy me as I don’t really drink wine or share her taste (very dry white) but now I just say no, I’ll bring beer if you like though.

      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself? With friends, it won’t be brought out and served to everyone but you might offer it to people – and you’ll be expected to share if someone asks. With family we generally take a bottle as a gift and it’s theirs to do with as they wish.

      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished? Yes, unless you presented it to the host as a gift at the start.

      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes? You need to offer. And if the answer is no, you need to take no for an answer and not insist on helping.

      Can you ask to bring extra people with you? Yes. But you can’t bring them without asking.

    3. Mrs. Kate*

      Age may be relevant here too. “Bring your own/drink your own” was way more common when I was young and poor.

      I live in the Boston suburbs. If we go to a party, we bring wine or beer. Usually it’s out out for the masses, but occasionally it’s treated more like a host/hostess gift and set aside (eg. If it’s a single craft beer, or sometimes with wine if there is a set dinner and drink menu or there’s already a ton out).

      We never take alcohol home, unless explicitly asked by the host (happens every once in a while when there is tons).

      Depending on the party, we help/offer to help with dishes. Usually not, unless it’s an intimate dinner party – then we all pitch in to do dish triage (food away, plates in sink). Host cleans up after guests leave.

      Depending on the party, it can be “the more the merrier”- typically it’s usually “oh I’d love to come but I have guests in town” “bring them too!”

          1. Book Lover*

            Or maybe get together often enough that it is just a thing that you guys are comfortable doing? If I go someplace I expect the hosts will offer what they want to offer. I don’t see thinking, well, I prefer this wine I have, so I will take a bottle of it and drink some and bring it home after – it would seem rude to think they wouldn’t serve me appropriate beverages. But if I had good friends that always served beer I could see taking wine. Though I still can’t think I would bring the rest of the bottle home afterwards, unless they told me they would never use it.

    4. JenM*

      Where in the world do you live? Ireland

      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift? Not a gift as such. Flowers and wine are the most you’re expected to bring.

      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol? This changes as you get older. When young and going to a house party it was definitely BYO. Now it’s more dinner parties the alcohol is usually provided. But it is expected that you bring a bottle of wine or an equivalent.

      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself? Up to the host.

      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished? No!! That would be a massive breach of party going etiquette!

      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes? You have to offer but most people say no.

      Can you ask to bring extra people with you? Not really. But if it’s a big party and you won’t know many people it would be ok.

    5. Book Lover*

      I have lived in Northern England, parts of South America, and two coasts of the US.
      Unless it is family, I take a gift, usually a bottle of wine. It is a gift, I wouldn’t take it away with me again.
      I can’t imagine bringing my own alcohol to drink – the hosts may use the wine I brought or not, but I don’t bring alcohol because it is for me and obviously don’t expect it to be reserved for me.
      I typically would offer to help with cleaning and unless very close friends or family I don’t think I have been taken up on that.
      I would never ask to bring additional people unless I had people staying and it was a deal breaker (I.e. I have to say no unless they can come) and even then would hesitate.

      Perhaps this is an age thing not a regional thing? The idea of bringing my own alcohol or taking it back sounds like a teen/early 20s thing, not like a typical dinner party or similar?

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m laughing because I’m very much not that young. I think we are all just more relaxed or something.

    6. KR*

      Where in the world do you live? Southern CA
      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift? No, but I usually ask if there’s something the host would like us to bring to help supply for the party.
      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol? A lot of parties/Hangouts I go to are BYOB, or people just bring what they want to drink – so I’m a whisky drinker when I drink and not a lot of people like straight whisky so I just bring a bottle for me.
      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself? If someone shows interest I will offer to share with someone, or if my husband has brought the supplies for a really nice mixed drink or brought a nice beer he will usually offer to make some for someone. It’s not expected because everyone has different tastes for alcohol.
      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished? Yes! Sometimes if it’s something we know the host will like we leave it though and sometimes we forget it and it ends up being left at their house forever in which they can do what they want with it.
      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes? Always, and if there’s a big mess or the host is a little drunk you always help them clean up so they don’t wake up to a hungover mess.
      Can you ask to bring extra people with you? Yes!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        So it turns out we do things California casual here. I was starting to think I was an anomaly. My husband was wondering why I asked him if I committed a faux pas by taking the gin home.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      – US, in the Southeast. Rules here are similar to those I experienced in NYC.
      – If I go to someone’s home, I bring something. Usually a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer. If it’s more potluck and I’m asked to bring a dish, I don’t always bring wine or beer. If I’m visiting people who don’t drink, I bring something non-perishable.
      – I wouldn’t think to bring my own alcohol. If it’s not served, I go without. (If I bring wine as a hostess gift, I don’t expect it to be served.) However, for a more casual party, we usually bring drinks and expect them to be served (like this evening: we’re going to a friend’s place and bringing sparkling wine and cocktail ingredients). We’re often asked to bring beer to contribute to the party.
      – I really dislike the, “this is mine, that’s yours” types of parties, and I’ve only experienced that twice. If I bring something, I expect to share it. If I don’t want to share it, I don’t bring it. If I’m at a party and pour myself a drink from a bottle that’s out and presumably available, and someone says, “Wait, that’s my vodka, you can’t have that,” I would find that rather rude.
      – I would only take home something I brought if the host insisted. That’s usually food, say, a pie; if I bring dessert and there are way too many leftovers, I’ll take the pie home, but only at the host’s insistence. I wouldn’t bring home my alcohol, and I would find that strange if a guest did the same. (With one caveat: we will probably not leave the absinthe at our friends’ home tonight, though we will leave any sparkling wine that’s left over. However, if all of the absinthe is drunk this evening–doubtful!– then them’s the breaks and we’ll be happy to have contributed.) If we bring a six-pack of beer and only three bottles get consumed, then the host keeps the other three.
      – I always offer to help, but usually that involves throwing away paper plates or bringing things into the kitchen. I would wash dishes if asked.
      – My friends always offer to help. I let them do small things, but I won’t let them actually clean.
      – Depends. To a seated dinner party, I would only ask to bring someone if it were, say, a family member in town. I always welcome extras, but only if asked. To a more casual gathering, I sometimes ask to bring extras, but I don’t expect people to say yes (they rarely say no!). I hate it when people bring uninvited guests to my parties without asking first.

    8. the gold digger*

      Where in the world do you live? (Though I don’t think this is necessarily regional)
      Upper Midwest.

      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift?
      Not needed, but it is done. It’s always something small, like some cookies or an appetizer. We take wine because Primo really likes good wine and we have a basement full of it from his years in California collecting it at $7 a bottle.

      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol?
      No. The host provides the meal and the booze.

      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself?
      Up to host.

      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished?
      I didn’t even know people did that! But no – it would never occur to me to take leftover booze home with me and I have never seen anyone else do it, either. I take my leftover food home only at a potluck.

      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes?
      You offer. I don’t want help because I know how I like things in my kitchen and also, it’s usually the first time in a few hours that I can be alone.

      Can you ask to bring extra people with you?
      Not unless you ask. And I would ask only for a larger event, not for a dinner party. For a dinner party, I would tell the host that we have out of town company and cannot attend. It’s up to host to reply that it’s OK to bring extras or just to say, “See you next time, then!”

    9. Red Reader*

      Answering for gatherings that I host:
      I’m in the midwestern US.
      I do not expect that people bring me a hosting gift.
      My parties are generally either dry or BYOB.
      If people bring their own, there’s usually some sharing going on.
      I’d generally prefer that they take away what they’ve not finished, because it’s not likely to be drunk in my house.
      You don’t need to, but I certainly won’t tell you no if you offer :)
      You can ask, as long as you’re willing to accept no for an answer – I absolutely hate having strangers in my house and I’m super picky about who I invite in. (If you show up with extra people without asking, they will not be allowed in, especially if I don’t know them.)

      1. Red Reader*

        To clarify: we do dry parties because there are people in our group who are alcoholics in various stages of recovery/sobriety, including my partner, and when those folks are present, that is the preference both for them as individuals and for me as a host. When they’re not, I’m less fussed about it, but mine is still not a house where much drinking goes on, so it’s easier on everyone if the people who want a beer just bring it with them so they can be sure to get a kind they like.

    10. Hellanon*

      Where in the world do you live? Big city in California
      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift? Oh yes – bottle of wine or other small host/hostess gift
      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol? No, although the more casual the party, the more likely everyone is to bring wine/beer/cocktails to share. Not to drink oneself, that would be weird here.
      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself? Everyone; see above. Except at a formal dinner, where the hosts will have selected and bought whatever alcohol they are serving & extra gift bottles are put aside for a more casual event.
      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished? No – who does that?
      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes? Depends on the formality of the party; I always offer, but take a “no” graciously. In my own house: please sit down and have another glass of wine. My kitchen is too small for two people!
      Can you ask to bring extra people with you? Depends on the formality of the event. Seated dinners, no, with a good reason and plenty of notice. Casual suppers, potlucks, pool parties – only with plenty of notice, and only 1 or 2 close friends/relatives in from out of town. Random local friends – no. If the hosts wanted them there, they’d be invited already.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        You do all know I’m talking about taking home £40 bottles of gin or whisky and not half a six-pack, right?!

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            I’m with you here. If I don’t want to share my bottle of bourbon, I drink it at home. If I’m hosting a party and I don’t want to share my bottle of bourbon, I don’t serve or offer it.

        2. Brittasaurus Rex*

          I’m with you. I rarely drink and would have no use for alcohol. I’d expect people to take it with them.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      If I bring something I intend to consume along with everyone and there are leftovers, I usually ask if the host or anyone wants them. If not, I’ll take them home. If so, they can relieve me of having leftovers, LOL.

      If I brought something specifically as a host gift, then no. I probably won’t consume it unless the host shares it out at the gathering. And leftovers or the gift itself if unopened would stay with them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh yeah, and I don’t ask if I can bring extra people. If I have visitors or plan to have them, I would just decline the invitation unless the host says to bring them along. That part isn’t up to me!

        I’m in the southern U.S. Midwest, btw.

    12. Pharmgirl88*

      Where in the world do you live?
      Northeast US

      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift?
      I’ll usually bring a (non-perishable) hostess gift for a new acquaintance / first time I’m invited to someone’s home. For repeat invitations I’ll almost alway bring a bottle of wine unless it’s potluck style and I’m bringing a dish instead, or I happen to find a small gift I know my friends may like.

      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol?
      Alcohol that is brought should only be intended as a gift – no expectation to drink yourself or have it served.

      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself?
      Up to the host. For our gatherings, wine that is brought it set out on the beverage table, and may or may not be opened depending on much people drink that night. Anything not consumed is left for the hosts.

      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished?
      Nope! Only exceptions would be cookware/serving platters with leftovers that weren’t portioned out to the guests, or if someone brings a dish just for themselves out of medical / dietary necessity.

      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes?
      Need to offer. We usually help with throwing out trash and clearing up the living room / dining room and bringing everything to the kitchen. Offers to help with dishes are made but usually declined.

      Can you ask to bring extra people with you?
      I don’t think so, especially for smaller seated dinner party things. Larger parties where everything is maybe buffet style might be okay, but even then only if the extras you are bringing are out of town guests who are staying with you (and you’ve asked first!).

    13. CAA*

      Where in the world do you live? (Though I don’t think this is necessarily regional)
      – I am in So Cal.

      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift?
      – It depends on the level of friendship and type of party. We brought a bottle of wine to a Halloween party thrown by someone my husband does an athletic activity with, but I wouldn’t bring a gift to my MIL’s house for a family dinner.

      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol?
      – No, unless the party invite specifies BYOB. Haven’t been to one of those in years though, I think we all just reached a level of maturity and financial stability that we and our group of friends can afford to entertain occasionally. If we brought a drink to serve at someone else’s house, it would be because it was something unusual or special that we wanted to share and we’d check with the host first.

      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself?
      – Up to the host. If I bring wine as a gift, they do not have to open my bottle, but if they do, it would typically be available to all.

      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished?
      – No, I wouldn’t take it unless the host insisted and that would be a little odd amongst my friends.

      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes?
      – I always offer. The offer is not always accepted.

      Can you ask to bring extra people with you?
      – Depends on the party. I would only ask if it were something like my sister was unexpectedly in town and I’d already agreed to attend something.

    14. oranges & lemons*

      I’m in Canada, but I think my answers would depend mostly on the type of occasion. For a dinner party, I would bring a bottle of wine as a gift, but wouldn’t expect to bring anything for myself to drink. If it’s more casual, I usually bring my own booze. I typically leave it behind unless the host is a non-drinker, but I wouldn’t bring a bottle of spirits or anything like that, just beer or wine. If a friend is having just me over for dinner, I usually offer to buy the booze. I usually offer to help with dishes regardless of the occasion, but I have some friends who get offended by that so I’ve learned not to ask.

    15. Epsilon Delta*

      Comparing my answers to others’ has made me feel a bit like my social circle is a bunch of social misfits! Which indeed, we kind of are.
      Thinking a little more on it, my parents’ generation follows more of the norms other people have described (bring a gift, leave your alcohol, etc) than mine does.

      Where in the world do you live? US Midwest

      If you go to a dinner party or social gathering do you need to bring a gift? Not unless it’s some kind of house warming party or birthday party.

      Do you need to bring your own alcohol, if you’re drinking alcohol? The host will specify if it’s BYOB or if alcohol will be provided. You are always welcome to bring your own unless you are told not to (ie if it’s a dry party).

      Will the alcohol you bring be served to everyone or will you just drink it yourself? If you put it in the communal cooler/table it’s fair game for everyone. Even if you don’t, you should expect to share if someone asks.

      Can you take it away with you if it’s not finished? Yes and I was shocked that so many people don’t do that! The only reason I can think of where it would be weird/unacceptable to take what you brought is if you brought a bottle of wine and presented it as a gift (which as I mentioned is not really common in my circle).

      Do you need to help with the clearing up and dishes? Yes you should offer to help.

      Can you ask to bring extra people with you? Depends on the size and nature of the gathering. If it is a small get together that would not be ok. If it’s a big party you can ask.

  98. MissAnonForThis*

    A housemate’s former friend-turned-momentary-partner-then-swiftly-dumped-so-ex-after-all showed up at our house earlier this evening, knocking and not leaving.

    I had had a feeling it would happen but didn’t want to alarm Housemate (Housemate suffers from anxiety). Ex had been contacting Housemate through every possible mean and when Housemate managed to block Ex everywhere Ex graduated to contacting Housemate’s friends, using Ex’s friends’ phones to contact Housemate, and contacting Housemate’s therapist* (!).

    It was a very stressful situation and landlords (who live in the same house with us) didn’t want us to call the police. Housemate and I were at home (landlords were out, we called them) pretending we weren’t home and ignoring Ex, who was ringing the doorbell and knocking incessantly (for over 10 minutes). Landlords came home and talked with Ex and after about an hour Ex left peacefully.

    I had a bad feeling about Ex as soon as I met Ex (the friendship moved way fast and Housemate invited Ex over the next day after knowing Ex for a 6-hour evening of conversation) and I hate that I was right and I hate feeling like Cassandra. I didn’t actually prophesize doom (Landlords did) because I didn’t want Housemate to get mad and ignore me; I just watched from the sidelines as friendship/relationship got more intense and eventually imploded naturally (no outside interference).

    I care about Housemate and Landlords. Housemate is emotionally immature, so it was like living with a teenager while Housemate and Landlords argued over how much Ex was over (Landlords’ house, Landlords’ rules, regardless of how you feel about friends).

    So it’s “over” but there’s still this…maybe it’ll happen again.

    So I didn’t call 911 since Landlords said not to and that they were coming home and I respected that and while they were coming home I called 311 just so the police department would have a report on file. I told Landlords I wasn’t ok with how it was handled but since it was their house, I understood, and if Ex came back and I was home alone I was calling 911. They said that was fine and apologized for putting me in a bad place.

    And to top it all off I lost my shampoo coupons in all the kerfluffle :( :( :(

    *I could also kill Housemate’s friends and therapist (!) for contacting Housemate to let Housemate know about Ex’s actions and trying to convince Housemate to give Ex a chance to be friends (!!!!!!!!!). What part of no contact is breachable? And yes, Housemate dumped this all on me. I listened politely and let it slide off my shiny barriers because I cannot afford emotionally to get too involved but obviously this is bothering me a lot.

    p.s. I’m also very proud of Housemate for not giving in to any of Housemate’s friends or therapist and for enforcing Housemate’s boundaries, and for not collapsing under all this emotional and mental stress. Go Housemate.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      This sounds horrifying all around, but I am mostly confused about the relationship between you and Housemate and Landlords. I mean, my landlord can tell me that I can’t basically move someone in with me, but it’s none of his business when/if I have company. I also don’t understand why they would be against calling the police about a disturbance. I’m guessing they also live on site and it’s more of a shared living arrangement?

      1. KR*

        also a little confused on your relationship with your landlord. This sounds like a tough situation. Good luck! I know your roommate has problems of their own and you want to protect them, but keep in mind that they’re going to have to deal with this and you deserve a home free of that type of drama/unsafe behavior .

      2. Not So NewReader*

        In a town near me, there is a point system. The landlord is giving points each time the police are called. After so many points, the law allows the municipality to intervene and order the landlord to do x, y and z. It’s a lot of headache and work for the landlord and depending on the people involved it can get dangerous.

        While some areas of the town are quite nice, there are other areas with regular knife fights and shootings. When the law was put into place it was written to cover the whole town, not just the areas that are having difficulty.

      3. Red Reader*

        Yeah, anon says landlords live in the same house as poster and housemate.

        In my house – I am a landlord-in-residence – I do get the final say on houseguests, but the idea of one of my housemates being harassed by someone banging on the door repeatedly and me going NO WE’RE NOT GOING TO CALL THE POLICE is absurd. Personally, I’d probably be the one yelling IF YOU DON’T GET THE EXPLETIVE OFF MY PORCH I’M CALLING THE COPS whether my housemate wanted me to or not.

        1. MissAnonForThis*

          Thanks Red Reader!

          Yes Landlord explained their reasoning today – to give Ex the opportunity to express themself without Landlords budging an inch. Landlord says they had already decided they would never let Ex in again but didn’t have time to tell us, just pulled up to the house and engaged Ex in conversation. Landlord is quite large, imposing, and commanding. Like people think Landlord is a police officer or judge instinctively. And it worked. Landlord understands that it’s a crapshoot (what if Ex got violent?) and it’s fine for me to call the police if this happens again. Ugh.

    2. Observer*

      It sounds like Housemate may want to look into a new therapist AND reporting current therapist. What the therapist did is probably illegal, and definitely unethical and totally incompetent.

  99. today's anon*

    Protein powders! I’ve been using this Greens and Whey protein powder for ever but it seems it is being discontinued as I can’t find it anywhere. I liked it because it gave me some greens, the calorie count is low and also the sugar content is very low too. I use it primarily around exercising…what are your favorite protein powders?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’m a gastric bypass post-op, which means I used to use protein every single day because i had to. Especially the first few weeks. I tended towards Bariatric Advantage. It’s intended as a meal replacement for a bariatric patient, but I would think you could use half a serving if you want to. It all depends on why you use protein powders (weight loss, weight gain, muscle gain, nutrition?) Very low carb and sugar content, high protein, and it’s whey protein isolate so it’s higher quality and is absorbed quickly. Tastes good and mixes up thick if you stick in the blender with ice. (I’ve come across many that taste good, but no matter how much ice I use and how long I blend it, it never goes beyond liquid.)

      Others I’ve used and liked:
      Click Mocha. This is so delicious! It’s basically coffee and protein. It’s not whey isolate, but it’s still protein.
      Syntrax Nectar. This tastes good and they have a ton of flavors, everything from Twisted Cherry to Chocolate Truffle. Some of the flavors are intense. Mixes up on the thin side and the fruit ones seem more like you’re drinking Kool Aid.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, and I’ve used a lot of other protein powders, but I don’t remember their names, which I guess means they weren’t very memorable. If they don’t mix up thick or have really good taste, I ditch them.

        Also, I’ve used protein powders to make protein balls and other protein-based snacks. That’s an idea if you crave something to munch rather than drink.

    2. Pharmgirl88*

      I really like the VegaOne protein shakes – I’ve tried whey powders and they just leave a really bad aftertaste for me. I think VegaOne has some that are proteins and greens too. I don’t think the calorie count is too bad, and it’s high in protein / low in sugar. I’ve found it’s cheapest at Target, and they tend to have sales on it every so often (just recently buy 1 get one 40% off).

  100. anon with $16*

    Aside from some retirement dollars I can’t touch right now, I’ve got about $16 to my name till Friday. This is going to be interesting.
    In a way I’m almost giddy, because it’s such a ridiculous situation. Somehow I’ll find a way. Fortunately all bills are paid up — I’m single, no kids and I’ve only and gas to take care of in the coming days. Of course it’s not even enough for that…so, yeah…we’ll see.
    I didn’t get here through stupid, irresponsible actions. Sure I could have done better to prevent my financial situation getting this bad (from years ago having about $20k in savings), but I’m not beating myself up. Just looking forward, knowing I’ve got to put the work in to get myself back to some stability. Meanwhile I’m grateful to be in good health (knock on wood) and I’m working part-time (hence the paycheck — albeit almost negligible — due on Friday).
    Just had to put this out there to the AAM universe. ‘Saying it aloud’ sort of helps.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sending sympathies and random suggestions: Local food pantries? Soup kitchens? A one-time advance on your paycheck? Interest-free short-term loan (say, $15-20) from local clergy or anyone else for super-simple groceries? Or a brief one-time ask of credit from a friendly neighborhood grocer (or other vendor), or a short-term job at any vendor selling food (e.g. take out the trash & sweep up at the local sandwich place/deli/coffee shop/bakery in exchange for some of their still-edible-but-too-old-to-sell-tomorrow items)? Or extend the same offer to friends (feed me dinner in exchange for walking the dog / cleaning or organizing some part of the household / running errands / last-minute babysitting/party-serving on New Year’s Eve?

      Um…it’s already Sunday mid-morning in my time zone (US, Eastern time) so unless you read this really soon, or in another time zone that’s at least 1 hour earlier, you won’t be able to go to a local house of worship for services + the post-services fellowship hour with food. Any public receptions, gallery openings, Costco or Trader Joe’s samples, etc. close by? Or any open houses with realtor-provided cookies in the kitchen?

      If you feel comfortable with a small amount of debt (<$40) could you charge a small amount on an existing generic credit account (VISA, MC)…? Or open a retail credit charge account just to spend a set amount on food (not necessarily healthy, but calories) at a nearby TJ Maxx or similar place that stocks gift food / fancy snacks?

      Find sympathetic people and speak up is my bottom line advice. And place a call to any helpful public or private social service organizations. Look online and/or ask your local public library early, before it shuts down for New Year's. And maybe, just maybe, you have something helpful already at home? A bag of dried beans, some spices, and water won't make an exciting soup but will be nourishing.

      1. anon with $16*

        Thanks for your thoughtful response and suggestions — all good ones.
        Fortunately I’ve got some of my staples at the house so I’m not too worried about the food situation. Also I might have a few dollars coming from a relative in the next day or two.
        I did get a gift card for Christmas but for a department store that doesn’t sell food. (Though I might check it out today — perhaps they’ve got some seasonal items that include food.) I’m thinking of trying to sell a few things on Craigslist, though I don’t like the idea of strangers coming to the house for that. Perhaps set up another meeting place.
        Appreciate your taking the time.

        1. Enough*

          For Craig’s list meet up use the local police station. Apparently some even have a specific area set aside.

    3. fposte*

      In addition to Jean’s good suggestions, I’m hoping that you might have something already in the pantry or fridge to mitigate the food costs–for that matter, maybe you’ve got something in the tank that’ll keep you going for a few days as well. Fingers crossed for you.

    4. Salt Water*

      The grocery store might have a cash out kiosk (like Coinstar for gift cards). They take a percent so you might get $90 for a $100 card. Mine only recognizes large, national retailers though.

      1. anon with $16*

        Interesting. I wasn’t aware of that service — but it really makes sense. Just looked it up and the department store in question not accepted at kiosks near me. I could do it on line, it looks like, but I’m going to hold off. Still a chance that I’ve got about $20 or so coming from a relative in a day or two.
        Thanks for the info.

    5. Cheshire Cat*

      In my area, you can call 211 to reach someone at the United Way who could put you in touch with resources that could help. YMMV but here, at least, they do seem to do a lot of good

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Been there, done that. Friday will be here soon. Do you have pantry stores? I tend to stock up on things that keep when times are flush, just in case. Rice and beans last quite a while dry and are cheap. Eggs are cheap too. And lentils, which I prefer to beans since they cook faster and don’t require soaking (ugh!). Dry milk too; I haven’t seen it in a while and it doesn’t taste the best but does in a pinch, especially for cooking.

      Ah, I see below that you do. That’s good. Better luck for both of us in 2018–I’m getting pretty tired of eating eggs, TBH.

      1. anon with $16*

        Thanks. Yes, the weeks have been flying by and Friday will be here before we know it. In a strange way it’s interesting to live through this and see how things go. I’m wealthy in a lot of non-monetary, non-material ways, for sure. Also, I know I’ll do what I must to avoid things getting to this point again. I was always big on having a nice cushion, but circumstances (and yes, my own shortcomings) in the past year or so have worked against me in that regard. Have to find new strategies.

    7. anon with $16*

      This would be a reeeeally good week to win that bag of groceries at Trader Joe’s (the raffle you enter when you bring/use your own bag).

  101. Tretinoin Newbie*

    Hi All :)

    Do you use tretinoin? If so, which strength and formula ( gel, cream, micro gel)? Up until two weeks ago, I had been using retinol .5 for a year and a half. I saw much improvement in my skin as far as smoothness, hyperpigmentation, and other things I want to rid myself of :)

    Then I received a script for generic .025 tretinoin gel. I’ve been applying it every other night for the last two weeks and it’s been going well. I have some peelies, but nothing too bad and I think the previous use of retinol helped to prepare my skin.

    I plan on finishing the tube of .025 gel, but I have an interest in the .04 microgel. I imagine that it has less alcohol and is not as drying as the regular gel. I do want to stick with some sort of gel, as my skin is oily, and a cream wouldn’t be ideal.

    Thoughts, suggestions? Thanks!!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I haven’t heard of this. I started using the drugstore-strength retinol recently. I can’t say I’ve noted a difference except maybe in texture, but I’ve only been using it for a couple of months and not every night.

      1. Tretinoin Newbie*

        One of the brand names for tretinoin is Retin A; another is Renova.

        It took me about 10 weeks, with every other night use, to see good results with retinol, but it was worth it; I was using Skinmedica btw. I also started a daily topical Vitamin C serum alongside the retinol, so my good results were not all due to retinol.

        I will continue with tretinoin ( retin a) and see how it goes.

        Thanks for your response and Happy New Year!!

    2. Book Lover*

      I use the tretinoin gel at 0.025 for sun damage and fine lines. I am happy with it and was told that a higher strength wouldn’t help more and might cause more redness and peeling. I still have some dryness but it is tolerable :)

      The micro is (apparently?) usually less tolerable – I tried it years ago and it was awful. The dermatologist told me that is typical.

      1. Tretinoin Newbie*

        Happy New Year, Book Lover!!!

        Hopefully you don’t mind a couple of questions :)

        How long have you been using the .025 gel?
        What didn’t you like about the micro?

        I find the regular gel a little hard to spread quickly before it evaporates, and that sometimes leads to using more than the recommended pea size amount.

        1. Book Lover*

          I have been using it for about a year and a half, I think. I had problems with hormonal acne and my skin is quite clear now. I also was dealing with the beginnings of wrinkles. The gel isn’t a miracle but it really has made a difference.

          The micro gave me a sunburn, basically :(. A horrendous painful sunburn. I started using it every other day, then every third day, but I didn’t really tolerate it at all.

          With the gel, I wash my face, then dab on the gel on a damp face and spread it out. It seems to work well that way. Then lots of moisturizing cream. I use vanicream.

          1. Tretinoin Newbie*

            I’m glad you’ve found what works for you. You would think that once you’re mature enough to get the beginnings of wrinkles, the acne would just disappear ! Wishful thinking on my part ;))

            And the micro is always touted as being less irritating! Everyone’s skin is so different; one just has to try and see what happens it seems.

            I haven’t tried applying the gel on damp skin, but I think I’m going to give it a try. The dampness would definitely help with spreading it. I’ve been waiting 20 minutes and then applying, even though my derm stressed that waiting wasn’t necessary. I also wait another 20 mins or so before applying moisturizer. I’m afraid of diluting the gel, but I’ve read that many do exactly what you’re doing and are still reaping the benefits.

            I have much experimenting to do :D

  102. Movin' On Out*

    This is so late I might need to post again next week but does anyone have an experience selling items when splitting with someone and moving out.

    I just need to sell a bunch of my own possessions to move into a much smaller apartment: some furniture, and larger sports items but also a lot of smaller items like household tchotchkes, small appliances and textiles. But I don’t want to have a yard sale – and individual listings for the smaller items seems to tedious.

    Are there companies that buy these items in bulk? I also have some clothing, jewelry and accessories. I”m open to donating, but to be honest the money would help, even if it’s just a few hundred bucks.

    Anyone have any experience they can use to help advise me with some options? Thanks! And Happy New Year!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have taken stuff to a local auction house.
      Drawbacks:
      Not everything sells.
      Sometimes they lose stuff.
      You have to wait for you check.
      You are pretty much at their mercy when it comes to what money you get. They take a percentage, of course. And you only have their word that they did not sell something.
      You may not get your unsold stuff back.

      Things that helped:
      Make a list of what you are giving them.
      Make sure items are clean and usable. If you have the instruction book, include it.
      Ask around, some auction places enjoy a better reputation than others.
      Pack things well. Auction places are chaotic, it’s easy for stuff to break. Wrap things and try to pack into boxes that are not too heavy to lift.
      Find out how much of a percentage they will take off the top.
      Sometimes you can stipulate that you do not want less than a certain amount for a particular item. This is fine, but you increase your risk of not selling it.

      I got rid of stuff this way for years. Our parents had four houses. Man, that was so much crap. I don’t think I ever got a check for more than a couple hundred dollars and I usually brought a van or a van and a half of stuff.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      You can’t try to make a profit off of things, or even come close to breaking even. You have to approach it as just clearing stuff out. If the furniture is large enough to require extra handling or a truck, give it away for free to anyone who can be bothered to come get it.

      1. Effie, who is wondering*

        Yes, just keep “get rid of it” in mind rather than “making money”. The money’s a bonus, the benefit is the stuff being gone. This mindset will help you let things go much more easily.

      2. Movin' On Out*

        I’m not trying to make a profit or break even, that’s ludicrous. I was just trying to potentially have a couple hundred bucks to start my new single-income life & make cleaning it out a one-trip process instead of the tediousness of listing a million individual things (free or priced) and having to meet people at the house (which in my city is not smart)

        Thanks?

  103. danr*

    Counting up to the New Year here on the US east coast. A friend in Australia has celebrated and reports that it’s pretty much the same.

  104. caledonia*

    If anyone is still reading – the BBC adapted Little Women as a 3 parter and it’s glorious. Highly recommend.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      You need some good drama at Christmas. I watched The Miniaturist after giving up on the book halfway through and it was… okay.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        We watched Dunkirk at Christmas on Mum’s little tiny TV. Thank goodness I’d seen it on the big screen already–that was a bit frustrating for me. My newer TV would cover the entire upper portion of her entertainment cabinet!

        I also made her watch Wonder Woman (she likes Chris Pine so was amenable). I think we satisfied our drama
        and superhero quotient for the year, haha.

      2. Caledonia*

        I read that book but haaated it so as muchcas I like Romola Garai, I swerved on that one. I did watch Spiral though.

    2. Annie Mouse*

      I haven’t watched it because I love the book, but the film I’ve seen ends soooo differently and so heartbreakingly. And I can’t bear to watch this adaptation and have the same thing happen. If someone tells me that it doesn’t then I’ll haplily watch it though!

  105. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I spent a bit of time this morning taking books off shelves and giving them a thorough dusting, and my boyfriend saw this and decided to organize his own bookcase. It’s a New Year’s miracle.

  106. anon and cold*

    It’s 10 degrees out. My pipes are frozen and the heat shut off. I have no access to any other part of the building but my apartment and there’s no thermostat inside. My landlord won’t respond to my calls, and I have no money to get a hotel room and no one to stay with.

    Worse, I’m still upset over a coworker remarking on the weight I’ve gained in the past month due to stress and how I look chubby instead of thin now.

    I have no friends because they’ve all moved out to the suburbs to their new houses with their kids and spouses and I feel alone and like a failure because I can never afford a house and have had an awful dating year.

    2017 is ending horribly and I’m sad and lonely and cold.

    1. fposte*

      I am so sorry; that is a crappy end to the year. However, I really don’t think you should be in a building without heat in that weather; please call one of those suburban friends and let them know your apartment isn’t habitable tonight.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You can call a nearby church or rescue squad to find out where you can stay to get out of the cold. Someone WILL help you. An unheated house is colder than standing in the middle of the yard. Please let us know how you are doing.

      1. Hellanon*

        Yes, call the fire department – people freeze to death in unheated houses in this weather, and it’s actually illegal for your landlord to not provide you with a basic minimum of heat. And call one of those friends – my guess is they’d be happy to help…I would be, in an emergency like this.

    3. Dainty Lady*

      Gee, this puts my feeling sorry for myself because I’m sick right where it belongs! I wish I could invite you over but I suspect I’m at least several hundred miles away. I agree with fposte and NSNR, please call someone.

      Co-worker…sigh. Apparently standing behind the door when God passed out the tact.

    4. Mimmy*

      Agreeing with everyone else – please get someplace warm. When he was younger, my husband got pneumonia from being in an apartment that wasn’t properly heated. Do not put your health at risk.

    5. Mrs. Kate*

      Depending on where you live, your landlord will be responsible for your hotel stay if your apt is uninhabitable.

    6. AnonAndOn*

      Please reach out to emergency services, anon and cold. You should not have to sit and suffer. There is someone out there willing to help you.

      And you are NOT a failure.

      1. Tabby Baltimore*

        If you are like me, and you want to call emergency services (9-1-1), but you don’t want to be anxious about keeping a dispatcher online for a problem that’s not an immediate life-or-death one, you can do what I did: when the dispatcher came online to ask “Where is your emergency?” I responded immediately with “This is NOT an emergency, but I need the non-emergency phone number.” (I believe most cities have one.) I wrote it down, then hung up, and called the non-emergency number. I was then able to have a slightly more relaxed conversation with someone knowledgeable, without having to worry that I was taking valuable time and attention away from another citizen who was dealing with a more volatile situation than I was. Also, please consider giving some of those now-suburban-living friends a chance to step up to the plate and serve in a crisis. Please let us know tomorrow how you are. We care.

    7. nep*

      I’m so sorry you’re having to face this. Agree with all others — find the way that works best to get yourself out of danger. This is not just bothersome or inconvenient — it’s life or death.
      Your coworker stinks.
      Big warm hugs, for what it’s worth.
      Please let us know how things go.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      OMG call. Others have listed good resources, so REACH OUT. You’re not a failure–people sometimes need a little assistance and there is nothing at all wrong with that. I bet one of your friends would gladly help too!

      And come back when you can and let us know you’re okay.

    9. Thursday Next*

      If you’re in a city, they may have an information line (like 311 in NYC) For resources on places to go AND so you can file a complaint against your landlord. That is beyond illegal—it’s downright immoral. Can you call up some of those suburban friends? If they have kids they may be in for the night. Warm hugs from an internet stranger wishing you well.

    10. Anono-me*

      I am so sorry 2017 is ending so badly for you. I promise you that things will get better. Not right away, but they will get better ( Personal experience).

      I also promise you not only will your friends in the suburbs welcome your call for a warm place to sleep, they will be very very hurt if you don’t call them. Part of being a good friend is being there for your friends, but another part of being a good friend is trusting your friends enough to be vulnerable and letting them be there for you.

      Plus tonight is NYE, so you know your friends are probably still up.

      Wishing you a much better 2018!

  107. Jackie*

    I’m invited to a party and the request is for everyone to bring their favorite appetizer. I don’t have a favorite appetizer. Does anyone have a suggestion for what to bring ?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Deviled eggs? You can buy hard boiled eggs, saves trouble.

      I love a good dip. I made pimento cheese for Christmas, served it with crackers and crudites. Any dip would be welcome at my house.

      Sometimes I put out a log of goat cheese, surround it with olives and roasted garlic cloves, pour good olive oil over the lot. Simple and always good.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        MMMMM Pimento cheese is deadly! I made it for the first time this year and it was to die for! Typically I buy it in the store, but I wanted to try and make my own.

        And goat cheese is a huge hit with me, too.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I’d recommend something you at least kinda like in case there is some left over. Can’t go wrong with a dip–simple and easy and often just need a bag of tortilla chips or celery or carrots. Or if you like shrimp, just go to the store and buy a shrimp cocktail kit which will also include sauce. What effort level are you willing to make? That might cut down some suggestions.

    6. Temperance*

      Tater tots or pigs in a blanket (mini hot dogs wrapped in crescent roll). If you have a Trader Joe’s nearby, they have a great selection of stuff you can just throw in the oven.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      If I don’t know what to make or bring, I go to the grocery or Walmart and get one of those little cheese, cracker, and salami trays from the deli section. Everybody likes those.

    8. Tabby Baltimore*

      Vegetable plate (green or red peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, snow pea pods, baby carrots) with a cup of Ranch dressing in the middle. Can slice the peppers yourself, the baby carrots and pea pods probably come bagged so all you need to do is rinse them, and many grocery stores provide pre-cut broccoli and cauliflower florets in their produce chiller cases. Just rinse, dry, and plate. Hope you have fun tonight!

    9. Effie, who is wondering*

      Eggrolls are always a popular party food, and if you have a nearby Chinese restaurant you can place an order for 20 or so.

    10. Ktelzbeth*

      Two simple ideas, depending on whether you want to cook.

      1. Pesto pinwheels: Buy a package of Pilsbury Crescent Rolls (the tube shaped packages that kind of explode when you open them). Break the dough into squares, not all the way into triangles. Spread each square with pesto. Roll into a log and slice. Bake per package directions. Yum!

      2. Cheese spread: Pour Pickapeppa sauce over a brick of cream cheese. Serve with crackers.

  108. Dainty Lady*

    I’m feeling sorry for myself because in the last couple of days of winter break, I’ve got a disgusting cold and all I can do is slug around on the sofa and cough and groan from the body aches. Tylenol is not touching the headaches. :-(

    I guess it gives me a good excuse not to par-tay.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Yuck! I had that same cold a while ago. Everything hurt so MUCH. It sucked, but it was over quickly. I wish the same for you! *kicks cold germ with tiny germ-sized skates*

    5. Dainty Lady*

      Thank you all! I have been consoling myself with dozens of episodes of “Once Upon a Time” (campy but so fun) and working on a cross stitch project. I think I’m going to switch to cathedral window quilting. Both things are glacially slow but with a quilt at least you end up with something useful and warm.

  109. nep*

    Embarrassing past or tough-to-admit current fandom?
    I’ll start and wow I don’t believe I’m admitting this — even to internet strangers under cover of a random fictional nickname: When in high school I was a fan of Ted Nugent. Even went to see him in concert. Kinda makes me gag a little to think about it.

    1. Temperance*

      Most of the things I enjoy are probably cringe-worthy, but the most recent is probably my newfound obsession with Riverdale.

      I also love Destination America and will watch almost any show where they hunt Bigfoot or talk about ghosts.

      1. Merci Dee*

        So I’m not the only one who finds Mountain Monsters to be a guilty pleasure? I also like Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I was so embarrassingly into Twilight. It’s something I joke about now with friends, but I rarely admit just how into it I was. I’ve never been a fandom merch person, but for Twilight I was. T-shirts and posters and hand written quotes from the books that I taped up as like a trim at the top of my bedroom walls. When the final book was coming out, I kept a countdown of how many days were left on my hand. I was ridiculous. There are probably still people I went to high school with who think about me as the Twilight girl.

      I’m also ashamed to have dabbled in SuperWhoLock for a bit, but that I fortunately got over quickly and didn’t talk about in real life.

      1. Tretinoin Newbie*

        I must admit to loving the Twilight movies! Something about male vampires being in love with female humans fascinates me. Writing it just seems so freaky and wrong of me :D

        But you asked :)

    4. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I’m not really ashamed of this, but enough people seem to cringe when I mention it that it probably counts as cringeworthy: Ghost Adventures. I love horror movies and creepy things, and I don’t care whether it’s real or faked (or even trying to analyze whether specific things that happen are real or faked). Each episode is just like a little mini horror movie, which is all I look for in the show. (And also, as someone who sometimes writes horror, certain episodes have made for fantastic inspiration.)

      1. Merci Dee*

        I love this show. I don’t generally find it scary, but the episode on Sloss Furnace up in Birmingham just freaked me right the heck out. I keep saying I’m going to go on the Halloween tour around the furnace, but I still haven’t done it. Maybe 2018 will finally be my year.

    5. Courtney*

      When I was in high school I wrote Good Charlotte fanfics. Which wasn’t embarrassing then since they were huge in the early 2000s. But it’s a little more embarrassing now, though I don’t entirely care. I may have dropped $300 last time they were in town on tickets. But hey, the money went to charity and I got to watch soundcheck, meet and greet with a photo and autograph, and literally watched the show from the side of the stage with some of the band member’s families.

    6. President of the Fan Club*

      Nsync. BUT it was really my friends who were into them, I was just along for the ride. Although I did go to a concert and did go to Walmart at midnight to buy their CD when it came out.

    7. LCL*

      I still have the best of Ted Nugent in one of the car’s CD player. Snakeskin Cowboy and Stranglehold were two songs I was so proud of figuring out on the bass. (They are both dead simple.). This is my exhibit A for continuing to love ‘art’ though the artist him or herself is repugnant. The fandom I would probably be embarrassed by is, nah, can’t choose just one. Just say network TV in the late 70s was full of series with young men.

      1. nep*

        (And the repugnance takes on an entirely other dimension in the era of the current resident of the White House. At least I can say when I was a fan there wasn’t that nonsense.)

      2. Anon anon anon*

        Weren’t his views less well known at one time? Or less extreme? I remember the racist right wing extremist Nugent emerging in the last couple of decades and getting more racist as time when on. I mean today, he’s really creepy. But in the 70s, he had a lot of fans, many of whom were not conservative. I don’t listen to him, but I think it’s understandable to have been a fan before all of that came to light.

        1. nep*

          Well if his views were known back then I didn’t know anything about them, or pay any mind. I was paying attention only to the music and the long-haired guitar player in a loin cloth.

    8. Effie, who is wondering*

      I wrote a fanfic about my crush and myself and showed part of it to my best friend, who I realized later also had a crush on him. I still cringe all over when I think of it.

      1. Effie, who is wondering*

        We were in high school, but still. I wrote a FANFIC about a real person that I regularly interacted with. *dies*

    9. Mimmy*

      I had a lot of fandoms that are/were cringe-worthy:
      – Debbie Gibson while in high school
      – Michael Bolton when I was in college
      – Celine Dion
      – The movie Titanic

      Current–and longest-running by far–is Kelly Clarkson. I’ve been following her for almost her entire career. I’ve seen her 7 times and met her once in 2005.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I thought he was okay, though I was never a fan. Of course, that was well before I knew what a creep he is.

      Here’s my blast from the past: I used to have a giant crush on Scott Baio when he was Chachi on Happy Days (that’s a VERY long time ago). Now I’d love it if he blocked me on Twitter, LOL. He and his wife are both really gross Orange disciples, eww.

      Most recent: I watched every single episode of Bridezillas when it was on. As a rule, I hate reality TV, and I knew it was 90% staged and edited, but I could not look away. I also got really sucked into this daytime show called Starting Over; it was kind of like Big Brother but all the housemates were women dealing with life issues and they had life coaches (and a very cool psychologist) and it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo absurd and like a soap opera, hahaha.

    11. nep*

      Not really cringe-worthy or embarrassing, because — hey — he’s pretty cute…Rick Springfield.
      Anyway some of the other comments reminded me that I once waited for hours outside a record store for a meet and greet with the Jesse’s Girl singer slash Dr Noah Drake. There were just two or three people ahead of us in the line when the event had to be stopped because of the crowd pressing on the storefront glass — it was becoming dangerous. My poor mom who came to pick us up — I and my friend cried all the way home. It was the end of the world, you know.

      1. Bluebell*

        Hey- the surprise highlight of summer 2015 was discovering that Rick Springfield was playing at the new york state fair the night I was traveling through Syracuse. It was so fun!!

    12. Merci Dee*

      Okay, I know I can’t be the only one who was wrapped up in New Kids on the Block during middle school. Though I think those days were really before fanfic was even a thing.

      I look back now on the light yellow and neon pink tie-dyed NKOTB shirt my parents got me for Christmas one year, and just shudder.

  111. Phoenix Programmer*

    This is a deep emotional subject.

    My step father in law tried to commit suicide last night. This time last year my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and died less than a month later. So to say I am not in a position to handle this is an understatement.

    SFIL lied to the hospital and claimed accidental overdose and MIL decided not to correct the record so he was sent home less than 5 hrs after the attempt. She has also decided to keep the fact that she told her son and me about it a secret.

    I am so frustrated right now. Pretending I don’t know and hiding it from other family feels wrong. I would feel better if SFIL at least knew we knew. How can I secretly support him? I feel like MIL is asking too much of me and hubby with this.

    I am angry at SFIL even though I understand he has a disease. The thing that gets me is he pretened everything was fine and secretly stopped taking his anti depressants a few days ago. That is not ok!

    MIL also did not need this right now! She and him got married just over a year ago. She then had a couple injuries and two surgeries so now she of course feels like his attempt was her fault. Now that we are hiding that we know though I can’t even help support her easily! So I am mad at her to!

    Ugh this is a mess and I can’t even talk about my feelings work my usual support members because MIL wants it secret.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Hugs if you want them.

      Perhaps you could reach out to one of the hotlines and talk to someone there. They are trained and can help you process everything you’re feeling and maybe offer some practical things you can do.

    2. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I’m so sorry, that’s a tough enough situation without having the burden of secrecy placed on you as well. I hope she’ll come around and realize this isn’t her fault, and that she’s making it hard for you to support her and get the support that you need.

    3. Anon anon anon*

      Wow. That’s awful. I don’t know what to suggest, but you have my support. I also deal with complex family problems and I know it can be really stressful and isolating. Internet hugs!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Not a popular opinion. I had my own version where I had to keep my parents problems a secret. Picture trying to use what little you have to block everyone’s view of, let’s say, the whole United States. I was in my mid and late teens and naive enough to try to protect my parents. I could not keep up with all that needed to be covered.

      It took quite a while but I finally learned a few things.

      It is NOT ethical to ask someone to keep certain types of secrets. In this case especially, where a human life is at risk, your MIL’s request was way over the top. If she wanted to keep it a secret she should not have told you. She has asked you for something that is not reasonable to expect from another human being.

      When she chose to withhold information like that at the hospital then she also chose to take total responsibility for this person. That is on her. BUT, when she told you she expected to pass some of that responsibility on to you AND you had no say as to whether you wanted it or not. Wildly unfair. Now, you are not allowed to bring in help because you can’t tell anyone. But you are not a professional and lack the qualifications to bring in any type of enduring help. This means you could get to keep doing this over and over. Nope, nope, nope. She is trying to set a precedent here that will not be a good road to go down.

      There are a couple things you can consider here.

      One is you can talk to her again and let her know that you thought about this and that you cannot be responsible for a human life to this degree. She has asked too much and unfortunately, you will not be able to do that for her.

      You might be able to get one of two agreements.
      IF you decide the situation is still pretty unsettled, then you can say to her either bring him back to the hospital herself OR you are going back yourself to report what was told to you.

      Perhaps you see that the situation has settled in some manner and there does not seem to be an immediate urgency. Then you can tell her that you no longer will be able to keep such secrets and if there are any further occurrences that you will have to officially report it.

      I hope I can encourage you that you are totally correct about this and I hope I have helped you put into words why you are correct.

      As far as your MIL’s own stuff, perhaps she would consider some counseling to help her process her new husband’s attempted suicide. No, it’s not her fault. No more so than this severe cold snap is her fault. Perhaps a few sessions would help her to see that.

      ‘

  113. Mimmy*

    So my husband has elected to not stay up til midnight to ring in the New Year – I don’t blame him since he’s sick. I will most likely not stay up either – if I do, I’ll just stick to Facebook, lol.

    Anyone else not staying up? I don’t want to feel like a scrooge.

    1. Merci Dee*

      I may or may not. Though I discovered in past years that the new year manages to usher itself in just fine without me. :)

    2. Annie Mouse*

      I will try and be awake but will be in bed as soon as this tv show finishes. It’s been a long day and NYE just doesn’t have the same draw it used to.

    4. Anon anon anon*

      I probably won’t. I don’t want to deal with all the drunk people and general mayhem. I’m going to try and get some work done at home.

    5. nep*

      I haven’t stayed up till midnight in many, many years. I don’t mind anyone thinking me a scrooge. I like my sleep. (In any case to me it’s just another day.)

  114. Epsilon Delta*

    Today I cooked chicken!

    I was a vegetarian+fish eater for almost ten years, since I started college, and only in the last few months have I started eating meat again. I have never in my life cooked chicken, and just occasionally cooked other types of meat with close assistance/supervision. My husband (meat eater) has always done the cooking. Which is to say, I had no freaking clue what I was doing!

    It didn’t end in total disaster. In fact, Husband and kid were much less horrified by the meal than the time I made channa masala. So I’ll be allowed to cook chicken again!

    I still prefer vegetarian entrees (especially if I am cooking) but it’s exciting to learn new skills.

  115. UnAnonymous*

    Friends have used either exodus.co.uk or explore.co.uk. One went on a trip to Morocco and another went to Vietnam/Cambodia. Both enjoyed it – said well organized and small groups which was key for them.

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