weekend free-for-all – January 20-21, 2018

by Alison Green on January 20, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Immortalists, by Chloe Benjamin. I’m on an epic family saga kick, ever since Pachinko. This one starts when four siblings in 1969 New York visit a fortune teller who tells them each what day they’ll die, information that hangs over all of them as their lives unfold.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Anita-ita*

    I have an awkward friend that I’m ready to cut ties with (let’s call her Rachel) and I need advice on how to back away/end it. The reason for me wanting to cut ties is because her social skills are so lacking that I cannot bring her anywhere without her saying something embarrassing. Mostly she’s awkward and quiet in a group so whenever she doesnt know what to say, so she either bitches about something or says something that is rude. When she drinks she gets chattier but then before you know it she crosses this line of neediness, talking in a baby voice, and constantly saying stuff like “oh you’re my best friend! It’s because you’re my best friend!” I’ve known her for a long time (we are now 31 and I’ve known her since we were 19). To give reference, she’s one of those very pretty people that always got what she wanted so she never had to develop the personality/social skills that are necessary to make new friends/keep the ones you have.

    An incident happened with her ex-boyfriend which is what made me creeped out by her and I can’t shake it (they remained good friends after the break up). She had recently moved back to town after being away for about 8 months. The ex had met someone while she was away. Rachel had tried to hang out with the ex and the new girl a couple of times when she moved back, but the new girl never liked Rachel (you really can’t be friends with a pretty ex-girlfriend). The first time, she said something inappropriate and rude to the new girlfriend which made her and him mad. The next time, she got drunk, said some WAY rude and inappropriate stuff and got touchy feely with him in front of the new girlfriend. She left the bar they were at and called him 14 times. And the kicker is she doesn’t remember any of this stuff, I had to ask him what happened. Her response was… “well if he can’t forgive me then he has issues with forgiving people,” I was stunned when I heard this! I had a wtf Rachel moment, you cannot expect someone to forgive you after you acted like a complete fool and crossed serious boundaries.

    This reminded me of several instances I had with Rachel in the past where after a few drinks she would become all needy, like she thought it was charming but really it’s just annoying. Which is the reason why I cannot bring her around people. She has a hard time making new friends because she doesn’t know how to act. She considers me her extra bff but friendships fizzle.

    So my question is, do I mention the situation to her and how it bugged me? Which would basically be saying she creeped me out and I can’t get passed it? Do I ignore texts and eventually things will fizzle out?

    1. neverjaunty*

      If you’ve known her since you were 19 and she’s needy, ignoring texts and hoping she takes the hint probably isn’t going to make her go away quietly. You’re friends; is it possible for you to just straight up tell her you’re very uncomfortable with her behavior, especially her rudeness?

      (I don’t think this is about her being pretty, btw. Plenty of gorgeous people are kind, thoughtful, and have social skills.)

      1. Anita-ita*

        I have thought about it for sure. I had mentioned this in a below comment, you know when you get to a certain age and you don’t want to invest the time and energy on things that don’t give you joy? That’s where I’m at. And I really don’t think an upfront honest convo will change her immediately. It would take a good amount of time of self reflection and awareness.

        I do believe that when you’re a young girl and pretty, it can affect your ability to develop the really good strong personality. You started getting attention at a young age because of your looks. Verses someone who blossoms later, say 17 or 18, you have a few extra years of development. It doesn’t happen to everyone of course but I have seen it a lot.

        1. headache on a plane*

          But does it really happen more than to ugly girls? It seems like a reason people find to explain the fact that some people (pretty or not) suck. I’ve met many pretty women in my life, and not ever seen this. It really seems as a reason to explain something that happens to all sorts of people – being shitty.

          2. Carley*

            Yeah, I read comments like this and there’s an undertone of sour grapes there – ‘I’m /glad/ I’m not that pretty since then I’d probably be socially inept’. It could be that when pretty people have bad personalities it sticks in the mind more, like that whole Napoleon complex thing even though there’s no statistical evidence that shorter people are more prone to anger. I know plenty of people who are traditionally attractive and manage to be a good person at the same time.

            1. Plague of frogs*

              I’m socially awkward and now I’m wondering if I’m extremely pretty and just wasn’t aware of it. :P

              1. Julia*

                I’m socially awkward because people in school (and my parents) mocked me for being ugly, so I’m not sure that logic stands.

                But I love your comment.

        2. Triplestep*

          I had a sociology class in college during which I read about “conversational narcissists” – the term basically described how good looking people don’t have to learn the same conversational skills as their less traditionally-good looking counterparts. I looked around at my friends and thought the argument had some merit. I even did a kind of case study on people I knew for the class. It made enough of an impression that I remember it all these years (decades!) later.

          That said, your comment about not liking the “pretty ex” was kind of off. It sounds like there are plenty of other reasons not to like Rachel!

          I had a friend from my college years who I backed away from later due to her lack of empathy and social skills. It just kind of happened organically; there was no confrontation or “pronouncement”. I think when you’re in your thirties, you do have less time for things outside of work and/or family and personal interests; things that take an effort to maintain fall by the wayside if you’re not getting as much out of them. I don’t think there needs to be a discussion with Rachel about it; it sounds like she would not be able to internalize one anyway.

          1. Anita-ita*

            That is amazing!! I find social dynamics so fascinating. Being outgoing, charming, genuine, and having a magnetic personality is really a science. It comes naturally for some but definitely something you can work on by being self aware and recognizing what qualities you lack/need to work on.

            I agree with your point on not having a conversation. Having one would probably do more harm than good. Friendships fizzle and it’s completely normal.

            1. Jane of all trades*

              I think the need to have a conversation depends on how close you guys are currently. Do you hang out every week (or similarly regularly)? If so, I think it would be cruel to just disappear and leave her wondering. If you don’t hang out that often yes, I think you can just increase the time between interactions, and keep those interactions shorter.
              To offer some personal perspective: I had a very close friend ghost me, and it does not feel good. I would have had much rather that one of the many times I asked what was wrong she’d just given me an honest answer. Given that yours is such a long friendship, depending on how completely you want to cut her out of your life, and how this will affect hers, I think you may owe her a conversation, however awkward that may be.
              Best of luck!

          2. neverjaunty*

            Conversational narcissism isn’t really about being pretty crippling social skills, though.

    2. Temperance*

      Does she have other friends? She sounds deranged, frankly, and I wouldn’t want to say anything or do anything that might make her have me as a target. I recommend a combination of slow fade and grey rock here. Be unavailable, and when you are available, be boring. Be so dull that she doesn’t get to feed off of your energy.

      Not armchair dxing her, but you might want to do some reading on how to deal with cluster Bs. I’ve had people in my life who have done things like that, right down to the conveniently forgetting every awful thing they’ve ever done. You can’t reason with a person who is operating from a different reality than the rest of us.

      1. Anita-ita*

        She does not have other close friends. She has some acquaintances but they are all fake people.

        Recently I’ve been busy but every weekend she asks what I’m up to, can’t be busy every weekend (or can I!?!)

        2. neverjaunty*

          Well, you’re not actually a close friend at this point? Seems like she might not know or care about the difference – so being always busy seems like a way to ease out.

        3. Triple Anon*

          If you say you’re busy a number of times, you can eventually stop responding. That’s a pretty common way to take a break from someone.

    3. Anon Pixie*

      I mean, you can say something, but do you really think it’ll change her? This is a great case for Captain Awkward, and I recommend reading those archives, but with anything like this, I always ask myself (or a friend, if it’s someone asking for advice):
      1. What’s the goal of the conversation?
      2. What do you want out of this, and what do you need? Are they the same thing? What’s the absolute least that you’ll be satisfied with? Will the conversation as you envision it right now get you there? If the conversation blows up the relationship entirely, are you okay with that outcome?
      Sometimes (not always, and maybe not in this case) it’s better to do a slow fade and if the person realizes what’s happening, have that conversation. Sometimes it’s worth it to have the conversation outright and endure the blow up. The only person who can know which it is is you, though.

      1. Anita-ita*

        Totally not sure if it would change her (probably not actually). I have had convos with her in the last about working on some social skills and given examples (this was before the awkward interaction with her ex).

        You know when you get to a certain age and you don’t want to invest your time and energy on something that stresses you out or annoys you more han it gives you joy? That is how I feel about her.

        I’ll check out the captain awkward archives!

        1. Hellanon*

          Yes, the Awkward folk have good insights. My take is that the kindest thing might be the slow fade – you’re unlikely to effect the change in her personality that you are looking to accomplish by confronting her, and it’s not really realistic to expect people to change because we want them to; given that, and your obvious discomfort with her boundary-crossing, it’s up to you to take yourself out of her life. You are allowed to have better friends! Obligated even – it’s not kind to hang out with people you really don’t like.

          And should she be visited by the Self-Awareness Fairy at some point in the future, decide to address her drinking and her self-centered behavior, and at that point want to have an honest conversation with you – then you can say all the things you’d like to tell her. But not now.

        2. A. D. Kay*

          I think you will find Captain Awkward very helpful. They have a phrase over there that describes ending a friendship with “Rachels”: giving them the African Violet of Friendship. It’s a pretty accurate way of describing cutting off someone whose neediness is disrupting your life.

        3. Anon Pixie*

          Oh yes, I know that feeling. I have done something about it, too, because it seems like time and energy are in shorter supply than emotional vampires masquerading as people.

      2. Grace Carrow*

        I think it’s more than fine to focus on what you want or need from any break up conversation. Do you need to tell her why it’s over? Do you need to close the loop by telling her firmly that it’s over? How will you feel in the face of her neediness if you are trying a slow fade out but she doesn’t get the hint? Will you start to feel pity enough to take her back? How would you react if she really crossed some boundaries if you told her unambiguously that the friendship was over? But also what will it take to make her go away?

        None of the options will be easy for you, you just need to work out what will be less distressing for you, in the short term and in the long term. The nicer you are, the harder a slow fade out will be. She has had 12 years to refine her ability to press all your niceness buttons. It will be hard to break your habit of accommodating her behaviour. That might mean that you have to have a firm breakup conversation with her for your own sanity. And I’m not convinced a slow fade out would be the kindest thing for her. It could mean six months of bewildered neediness rather than a week or so of rage.

    5. Kit*

      I think I would break up with her. She doesn’t strike me as the type to take a ghosting quietly (or quickly!) so I would text or email her something like, “Hi Rachel, while I will always value our long history together, a few recent incidents have made me realize our friendship has run its course. I won’t be spending time with you going forward, but I wish you all the best.”

      Whatever her reply, reiterate that this is the best choice for you, don’t offer things she could change to remain friends with you, and don’t argue with her if she says this is all your problem.

      Examples:

      Her: “Well just tell me what I did wrong!”
      You: “I think it’s past time for that but I wish you luck.”

      Her: “You’re just a judgmental jerk.”
      You: “Probably, but nonetheless our friendship is over. Good luck.”

      Her: “Is this about last month? I just had too much wine that night, why are you making a big deal out of it? It’s not going to happen again.”
      You: “Glad to hear it, but that doesn’t change my decision.”

      1. Ruffingit*

        I wouldn’t even answer if she replies. Ending the friendship is the goal and there’s no need to have any sort of dialogue about it once the bye bye email is sent.

      2. FD*

        Yeah, I think this is the best. With people who are clingy, doing the slow fade often makes them glom on harder. The key is going to be to not engage in negotiating behavior. She’s likely to try various things to make your respond or engage with her again, and ignoring or blocking those is likely the best bet.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      Experience tells me you cannot make her heat you, and even the kindest attempts to break up with her will end badly. You are hereby absolved from finding the perfect solution, as there isn’t one.

    7. Buu*

      It sounds like you only talk to her because she calls you her BFF and you feel bad…but could be saying that because she knows that’ll keep you around? I think you want to be kind, but actually by sticking around you’re enabling her because no matter how gross she is..you’ve keen kind and given her a chance and she’s blown it. Do what is best for you, this may end up being a wakeup call for her if she can finally face some consequences.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Seconding the recommendation to search on Captain Awkward for The African Violet.
      She is not going to pick up on the progressive slow fade, it will just drag out how much emotional labor you’re doing.
      And although she is annoying, she hasn’t done anything to you to deserve ghosting.
      Give her the African Violet talk, but don’t go into details about specific things she did, particularly things she did to other people. That will just invite arguments.

      You’ve grown apart, the friendship isn’t working anymore, and you’re uncomfortable with her pressing for a closer connection when that isn’t what you want.

      She may go into an “extinction burst” of increased contact/demands for your attention. But then you can confidently become a grey rock, knowing you gave a direct, unambiguous message.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      You are wise to start this separation process now rather than waiting 20 more years. Unfortunately, I happen to know this. sigh.

      Unless a person wants to change they won’t. And sometimes a person can say that they want to change and they still don’t. Actions speak louder than words. Any time actions do not match the talk, watch carefully.

      As you are aware, what you see now is what there is to see. You have good insight to understand that you do not want to put any more energy into this. Because of this I would vote for doing a “drifting away”. Gradually be less and less available. Don’t return calls quickly. Decide to refuse to go to bars with her. (Am targeting the bar scene because you mentioned all the problems with that.) See her less and less.
      If she is the type to drive by your house, make sure that your actions align with your reasons for being busy. If you know you are not going anywhere, tell her you have a violent headache and you are going to bed. This will explain why your car is in the yard or lights are on. If you do have plans to go out, more often that not, try to say you are doing something you KNOW she is not interested in. This puts you in a place where you can later say, “It seems like our interests are changing.”
      If she says something about having less contact say, “You know I noticed the same thing. Well, we are approaching middle age and I find that my life is filling up with things. If it’s not a dentist appointment then it’s waiting for the plumber to come. Just yesterday, after work I had to run and do x, y and z before I came home. And you know what? I was tired. I went to bed early.” The over all idea here is that Life is filling up your time.
      If you wish you can add in, “You know we are getting older and we are in the part of life known as ‘an established adult’. So I guess being busy is part of that.” Notice the use of the word “we” here.
      Don’t get too involved in the nuts and bolts of too many of her problems/concerns. You can use the approach of, “Gee, sorry to hear that. I hope things work out for you.”

      What I like about this technique is that there is very little arguing, I can remain pleasant and not lose part of myself by dragging things through the mud. The idea is to just get out, not to cure her on your way out. Her problems will take a group of people helping her, IF she wants help at all. So you are totally correct in saying this is too much of an energy drain. And yes, this will take a little time to do. But eventually it will settle.

    10. Triple Anon*

      Well, you have options. I wouldn’t judge you for which course of action you choose.

      How do you feel about this person? Do you care about her? Are you afraid of her? It sounds a mix of both, mixed with standard issue irritation, but between caring and being creeped out, which is stronger?

      If her neediness and tendency to violate boundaries are having a negative impact on you, it’s reasonable to back away in a way that seems safe and comfortable. Silence is a response. If she sends you an inappropriate text, you can ignore it. You can even block her number, block her on social media and just move on. Saying something first would be kinder, but you have a right to just walk away. Friendships are earned; if someone’s not acting like a friend, you don’t have to talk to them.

      However, as others have probably pointed out (I haven’t read the comments), it’s kinder to say something. And it would probably help this to go better (though I can’t say without knowing the friend). You can: A) Make an excuse (“I’m really busy and I just need some space right now”) which isn’t the most honest or helpful to the other person but can be necessary with people who are emotionally volatile and/or have trouble with “no”. B) Say something short and simple and then back away (in response to a weird text: “Wow. That’s a strange thing to say. And no, I wouldn’t do that,” and then back away by not responding). Gentle yet a lot of people will get the hint that you’re probably backing away due to differences. The downside is that it’s indirect. C) Have a conversation about it. This is ideal. It doesn’t have to be long. You can just say, “Look, we’re really different. I need some space right now.”

      It’s never easy. I hope you find something that works well enough.

      Also, as with romantic breakups, there is no perfectly nice ending where no one gets hurt. Well, I’m sure there is sometimes. But what I mean is that when people part ways, it tends to hurt, so don’t beat yourself up about it too much. Just do the best you can and move on.

    11. AnonAcademic*

      In my experience, you have three options:

      1. Do the slow fade but realize she may never “get it” because she is already good at living in her own alternate reality, so you may keep being contacted by her for weeks or months past when you want to.
      2. Tell her you need some time and distance with no contact to evaluate your friendship with her because you are uncomfortable that she is defending sexually harassing her ex-boyfriend. This gives her a chance to adjust to reduced contact which you can then extend indefinitely. May or may not result in the same conundrum as #1.
      3. Tell her you have become very different people over time and you don’t think you can maintain a healthy relationship with her any more, then cut contact (block her if needed). The risk here is that she blows up like she did at her ex and tries to harass you into talking to her. You will need to NOT RESPOND AT ALL to any of this or she’ll just learn what it takes to break your resolve. However if you succeed, this tends to be the most efficient way to actually end a toxic relationship instead of making it die a slow painful death.

      Source: been there, done that with too many toxic friends in the past.

      I will add, the way you write about her suggests you see her as a damaged person without social skills. However a 30 year old who justifies sexually harassing people is just a bad person in my book. It’s the lack of remorse that seals it for me. If your friend was male it would ping most people’s radars for potential sexual abuser/stalker, I don’t see why her being socially enfeebled by her prettiness makes this much different.

      1. Triple Anon*

        I thought that too. She crossed the line when she violated the ex’s boundaries.

        I would also take prettiness out of the picture. I think it’s a red herring. Just be objective about her behavior. It might or might not have to do with how she looks, but I think that’s beside the point and not your problem. Everyone should be held to the same standards.

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          Agree. I find it kind of weird how much her prettiness factors into your post, OP. Is it possible that there is no causation between pretty and poor social skills?

    12. Blue Bird*

      I would suggest a direct, upfront approach, i.e. “breaking up” with her. I think even bad friends deserve that much; ghosting someone you have such a long relationship with is a terrible thing to do.

      Good luck.

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t think it’s fully your place to factor in how she behaved with her ex and the new girlfriend. That’s not your drama to monitor; if the ex-boyfriend is knowingly bringing Pretty Rachel around his new girlfriend, there’s a whole other level of manipulation going on there (he’s ramping up Rachel’s known issues in front of his new partner, who is bound to feel a bit insecure in her presence) and it’s not solely about Rachel. Her ex is a jerk and he knows what he’s doing. Why do we never blame these faux-hapless guys for orchestrating these scenarios? Unless this drama is bleeding over into your own life, don’t think about it.

      That said, it’s okay to look at the way someone moves through the world and decide that you don’t like it.

    14. Anonyanon*

      I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of friends who were Rachel’s and while they were sometimes embarrassing and not the best of friends that they claimed to be, we still had fun together. Some of them drifted apart naturally over time and others I phased out slowly because they were too needy and the friendship was draining and very one-sided. Some of them also used the “you’re my best friend” line to manipulate me, so be careful of that.

      I think that it might be healthy for you to take a break from her and re-evaluate things.

  2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    This weekend sucks. Not only am I fighting off the cold from hell… Monday is my dad’s birthday. He’d have been 65. Not bad enough to be sick, I have to have THAT on top of it.

    So I’m hunkered down on the couch with my favorite might and blanket. And a line up of beloved movies.

    1. nep*

      Sending you healing vibes. Everything seems tougher when your body’s acting as if it’s turned on you.
      You will pull through this.
      Peace

    2. Courtney*

      I’m sorry. I hope that you’re able to fight off the cold soon and that the movies are a nice distraction.

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      Sad and missing someone you love makes sick so much worse. Tomorrow will be 3 months since my husband died. He didn’t make it to 65 either. I’m so sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself and feel better soon.

      2. Former Employee*

        My condolences on the loss of your beloved husband.

        I think the first year is the hardest.

        Take care of yourself.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I am so sorry – illness and grief is a lot to deal with at once. Sending hugs and good thoughts.

    7. Cheshire Cat*

      I’m so sorry — grieving and being sick as well is a hellacious combination.

      It’s been several years for me, and I still spend my father’s birthday in bed with the covers pulled up around my ears. (YMMV, of course; just trying to say that I understand.)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Grief does pull our system down and we might be possible to be more vulnerable to a passing bug. Use good self care, you know the story there. Also take some time to mediate, contemplate, remember, or any mix of these things.
      My dad has been gone 22 years. whoops, still feeling a little pang in the chest as I type. Grief does not go away, it changes form and the rawness goes down, but grief itself does not go away entirely. Just my opinion, it is because we never stop loving them. If we could stop loving them then there would be no need to miss them. You may like to think about a way you can celebrate that love. Perhaps you’d like to do a balloon release. Perhaps you would like to write him a letter, then set the paper on fire and watch the smoke go up to the sky. Or maybe you want something a little more grounded, like calling a friend of his or a family member you know held him dear to the heart. These are just examples, you might find something that resonates with you.

      My Nana has been gone 47 years. I still miss her. I have kind of concluded that missing her is actually a way of honoring her because after 47 years I can still say she was significant in my life. (omg. 47 years. wow.)

    9. A curator*

      Grieving the death of an old friend. On the third day of the “crying headache” I am grateful for Facebook as many of my friends and colleagues are posting remembrances and I don’t feel all alone. Had to work today, a good distraction going to the library and host VIPs but right now wiped out and sad. I wrote a remembrance on my blog.

  3. OLD*

    Dating thread!

    So my Saturday morning ruminations have given me some interesting perspective on the date I went to on Thursday night. Long story short, while the date itself seemed to go fine, there was no flirting or body language from them which would indicate physical attraction or interest. And yet when I got home, they had already sent a text saying how they had a great time and would be interested in hanging out again soon.

    And while I’m not exactly confused by this, I just realised this is the 2nd time I’ve been on a date with someone where the body language indicates no interest, but the words and actions later on do. And it really throws me off!

    As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised I’m actually pretty good at reading people and so when something like this happens, I then really struggle because in my head, I’ve already started putting my feelings/reactions into one category (just friends), and then suddenly its like – nope, a different box is required! And moving people from box 1 to box 2 can be tricky for me (depending on the person).

    So its been interesting for me to realise that I pay a lot more attention than I thought to physical indicators of interest (leaning in, excuses to touch someone etc) /general flirty vibes . But I also recall someone on here a few weeks ago asking for advice on how to flirt, so clearly this is not a universal skill (and whoever you were, I hope you got some useful advice that works for you! )

    Part of me finds it really interesting that they have no problem being very open in writing but that doesnt come across in their personal interactions as much….

    Anyway, I’m mostly braindumping on you all for thoughts on if you’ve ever had anything similar, and also if you all do post-event reviews in your head like I do :D

    How is everyone else doing on the dating front?

    1. Cor*

      Hahaha, this was my husband! I thought he wasn’t interested at all (he wouldn’t even hold my hand-it was hot and his palms were sweaty). He asked at the end of the date if he could call me, then texted twice to ask if he could call before he did. When he proposed he finally admitted he’d known from our first date he wanted to marry me. He always says it takes him time to warm up to new people and let his sense of humor, in particular, show. So maybe your date was the same way. Best dating advice I ever got was to give my husband three dates. Good thing I did–it took him that long to show me who he was and that he did really care! (FWIW I was nearly 30 and he was mid 30’s)

      Good luck on your adventures Old!

    2. Erin*

      Hi OLD! I’m a terrible first-dater. Meeting new people in that context is really hard for me. The last first date I went on, I really liked my date – which actually made it *way harder* to act like a person who was interested in the date (not helpful!). Long story short, that was my last first date because we have now been married for 5 years. I did something very similar – I could tell my date was confused, sent a text post-date being clear about my interest, she gave me the benefit of the doubt and we went from there.
      So – just wanted to throw out there that something similar could be going on with your dates.

    3. Turtlewings*

      Flirting is something that comes 0% naturally to me, I get awkward around people in general but *especially* someone I like — I’m more likely to completely freeze up and be a rigid little clam than anything else. I think you may be attaching too much importance to physical overtures, considering how many people are shy or just nervous around people they’re interested in.

      I have a date tonight, actually, and my stomach has been in knots since last night. We’ve mostly communicated by text, which is a lot more comfortable for me than talking in person. The first time he asked me out I not only turned him down but had an hours-long anxiety meltdown. I don’t like being touched generally, so if he tries to put an arm around me or hold my hand tonight I may throw up. Doesn’t mean I don’t like him! If I didn’t, you better BELIEVE I would not be subjecting myself to this date!

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      I don’t date, but this interests me strangely. I’ve spent a good chunk of my considerable lifespan training and living around animals (horses, dogs and cats mostly) and their communication is non-verbal (though not non-vocal). So when communicating with humans face-to-face I rely on physical cues like stance, tension and vocal stress (as opposed to word choices) to provide context for the information being verbally relayed. In the dating world, I do wonder if the current climate around sexual harassment makes people more careful about broadcasting overt signs of interest lest they be misinterpreted. For example, one person’s “leaning in” could be another person’s “looming,” and actually touching? Dicey. You’d better be sure that’s welcome.

      I wasn’t the person who posted, but I honestly have no idea how to flirt. That works for me, it’s not a skill I’m interested in developing. I find it much easier to be open in writing, particularly in an anonymous forum like this, than I do in person. The stakes are much lower. And yes, I do post-event reviews in my head too. ;)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I’m with you on flirting. I say just be real. If you are having fun say so. If you can’t wait to do something together again, just say that. I put a high value on sincerity.

    5. Courtney*

      I’m not really a flirty person or someone who shows interest in a physical way on a first date. Fortunately my husband is the same way, so it didn’t strike either of us as weird on our first date. I guess some people are looking for a big physical attraction spark on the first date l, but personally, I wouldn’t go out on even a first date with someone if I wasn’t physically attracted to then, so I guess I just assume that part is a given and basically just focus on getting to know them to figure out if I like their personality, if we’re compatible, how our conversation goes, etc. That sounds overly analytical, although I’m pretty sure most people are like that on first dates.

    6. Boredatwork*

      This depends on how you’re dating –

      If you’re using an app to find these people they’re probably hedging. It costs nothing to follow up with a “had a good time, lets do it again”. If you don’t end up meeting up again no one’s really lost anything. Also, some people really are bad at flirting or are just not comfortable showing aggressive outward interest to someone they have just met. If you’re a man and dating women, it can be dangerous to be overly flirty with strangers and give someone the wrong impression.

    7. Lily Evans*

      Some people are just bad at physically showing attraction. I’m totally one of them. I’m not the most openly affectionate person so I never know the “right” level of touching as flirting until I’m really comfortable around someone.

    8. Undine*

      You know who’s really good at flirting? Players. There are different levels of being a player, but basically: if your primary concern is to come off interested and charming in the first few dates, you study that and get better at it. If what you want is a short-term high-intensity physical relationship, they may be the best choice once you’ve filtered out the obviously sleazy. Other types of relationships may be optimized by looking for different characteristics.

      At the same time I agree that lots of people, especially men, go out on second dates on the “that wasn’t terrible” plan.

      1. Ani are you okay*

        I found my spouse on the ‘that wasn’t terrible’ plan, so I say don’t knock it! Sometimes chemistry takes more than two hours to develop.

      2. Scarlettnz*

        Oi, I find that a little insulting lol. Not everyone who flirts is a player. I’m a great flirt, even if I do say so myself, but I’m not a player and never have been. I’m just gregarious, fairly extrovert and can chat to anyone. A little bit of harmless flirting makes the world a better place, it doesn’t need to mean anything.

    9. Cheshire Cat*

      I have two views on this. First, like several other commenters, I can feel hesitant & awkward on a first date. I’ll respond if my date touches me, but won’t initiate anything myself. This is the more likely scenario with your date.

      However: I once dated someone like this, and assumed he was hesitant like me so kept going out with him. I later found out that he hated being touched. But he liked the idea of a romanic relationship, as long as it was physically platonic.

      Like I said, you dating this guy is much less likely than him just being shy!

    10. INTP*

      Dating is weird because there are so many types of interest, the body language can be hard to work out. There’s interest in hooking up for the night, interest in hooking up on an ongoing basis, interest in going on more dates to see what happens, “I might marry this person” interest. I wonder if you’re misjudging because people with an interest in seeing you again are deliberately holding back the sexual interest body language to avoid it turning into a hookup situation or turning you off with a creepy vibe? I’ve found that body language can tell me whethera guy is interested in sex with me but not much beyond that – behavior is a better indicator of how much he likes me in a romantic or emotional sense (does he text immediately, does he plan ahead versus wanting to hang out at the last minute, is he asking me on dates to go out and do things rather than suggesting we “cook a nice dinner” [the adult version of Netflix and chill], etc.?).

    11. Gloucesterina*

      Not everyone feels comfortable with physical closeness/touching a person that they are just getting to know, even there is mutual interest based on the conversation, I guess? I would put myself in that box.

    12. Marthooh*

      I think the only important question is whether you feel any physical attraction or interest in getting together again.

    13. HannahS*

      Well, I currently have a couple matches in an app, but I’m feeling to shy and tired to muster up the energy to ask them out. Regarding body language, I’ve found that, as a woman, sometimes men are very, very, very physically reserved on the first date, and rely totally on me to initiate even something as small as a hug at the end of the date. I’m sure it’s at least partly out of a desire not to make me uncomfortable, which I really appreciate.

      Also, I suck at flirting. I’m not even sure I could identify it. I suppose I identify with really basic things, like leaning in and smiling, and showing interest and excitement about a conversation. Or like, asking to kiss me. That’s a pretty big indicator of attraction lol! But I certainly can’t do (and don’t enjoy) the kind flirting that’s more ambiguous and coy. Just not my thing.

    14. Rukh Khan*

      For me, it’s not really being able to read body language, but having obvious chemistry (which to me means being able to talk back and forth with few to no awkward pauses) is more important than having the other person tell you later that they had a great time. If I have sat with someone for, say, at least half an hour and then still have to ponder “Does he like me…?” afterwards… I’ll assume the answer is no and move on.

      Honestly, there are plenty of people in this world. You won’t miss out on anything by moving on.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I’m in Siberia. There is no dating front here, only vast empty stretches of cold space.

      Yes, I’ve tried online dating.
      Yes, I went to church (eww).
      Yes, I asked people if they knew anyone (apparently not).
      Yes, I go out and do things.

      All the cool men and the ones in my preferred (younger) age range are married, taken, or non-existent. The men my age look like Santa–I have seen no silver foxes. The rest are college students who could be my children.

      An endless icy wind of nothing. I must escape.

    16. matcha123*

      I’ve been single for a year now and I guess I’ve tried dating. I don’t really like meeting new people for a relationship, I just feel uncomfortable and it drains me.
      I am great at “flirting” with people I have no interest in…basically being a more open and friendly me. I guess with guys who aren’t interested in me, I feel comfortable being myself because I don’t feel the need to impress them.

      Out of the people I’ve met over this past year, I really only clicked with one guy, and he said he prefers to stay friends. In his case, while I was kind of nervous, I felt like I was talking to someone who could be a brother. I mean that in a good way, as in I felt incredibly comfortable with him, despite him being a stranger. I still hang out with him and it is very nice.

      I mistakenly killed a budding relationship I was hoping for by not being good at flirting, not being good at reading certain types of questions and just being awkward. What made it was was it was someone I’d known for years, but hadn’t really talked with before. So, they probably thought they knew me better than they did and ugh, it was unfortunate.

    17. Clever Name*

      Are you dating women? I ask because women are conditioned to be nice and always available to men. Hell, I just had a very mediocre date and I found myself saying I had a nice time as we walked out of the restaurant, when it really was just an okay time. I’m also single after many years of marriage to an emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive man, and in that relationship I had dissociated my feelings from my actions as a means of survival. So I guess what I’m saying is you’re smart to look at body language.

      This is definitely something I’m trying to recalibrate in myself as I start to date again. I’m finding myself not knowing how to react to a guy who is showing interest in me but I’m not interested in him. I was at a singles mixer and I found myself listening with feigned great interest to a guy drone on about various topics when I would have preferred to talk to someone else (or no one), and I think it’s because that’s what my ex-husband expected. So yeah, a lot of recalibrating to what’s normal.

    18. Paula, with Two Kids*

      About to start dating for the first time in 30 years. It’s a little overwhelming.

    19. Kuododi*

      I actually asked DH out on our first date. We went to dinner and a musical…he was so shy it took him until the second act to work up the nerve to hold my hand!!! We had a lovely time, talked about everything under the sun. The evening ended with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He didn’t get in touch for a week later and I was beginning to think that I had been ghosted until we ran into each other at a grad school event. He then invited me over to his place for dinner….He later confessed he’d been trying to work up the nerve to get in touch for the second date. Well long story short, we celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary back on the eighth of this month!!! God bless the shy ones!!! They really are diamonds in the rough. ;)

  4. Paris Geller*

    Hello!
    For anyone who remembers, I was active on these weekend threads a few months back asking for advice about seeing a doctor for treatment for anxiety. The good (great?) news is that I managed to face my fears and sought treatment, and my mental health, though not perfect, is better than it has been in years. The advice from people I got on those threads a few months back was pretty instrumental, so thank you for everyone who commented about their own mental health treatment!

    Now that I have more energy, I’ve been focused on trying to make my apartment a nicer place to live because I know that’s one thing that helps my mood a lot. I’ve done a good job of keeping it clean and I’m slowly starting to make it look like something I like, so today I come seeking advice for something much lighter than mental health: succulents. I know they’re popular, I like how they look, and they don’t seem too expensive. However, I definitely do not have a green thumb and I also have a cat that is very curious, as well as limited space. So for those of you who have house plants/cacti/succulents, any cat-safe kinds or general plant tips? I have a place that gets a good amount of sunlight where my cat can’t reach in mind, but I still want to be cautious.

    Also I’m open to general suggestions about cheap ways to make a small 1 bedroom apartment look nice. I definitely do not have an eye for decorating on my own.

    1. Temperance*

      Amazon has a lot of really cute, and really cheap, stuff to brighten up your home. Cute pillows for the couch is a great start.

      I have no advice re: succulents. They look way too tempting to a cat to me. Especially in the tiny containers.

    2. WellRed*

      I can’t comment on cat safety, but 3 cats have cycled through my place and have never shown any interest in either cactus or aloe vera. They all loved, however, the fake grass arrangement from Pier 1.

      1. anon24*

        My mother was so proud of her aloe plant and then my cat knocked it over and ate it in the middle of the night when they were cat sitting for me. He also tried to eat her cactus when we were visiting over the holidays. He was not at all deterred by the spikes, and I ended up moving it to a high shelf so he didn’t hurt himself or the cactus.

      4. Elizabeth H.*

        Our cat does not eat my aloe vera. I have a really big one and we also have several tiny ones in mini pots at cat level. She once knocked one out of its pot but hasn’t repeated after we put it back and didn’t eat it.

        I also have 2 giant pothos and a giant ficus she doesn’t eat (which are supposed to be toxic but cause mouth irritation or digestive system distress rather than organ failure, as I understand it). Sometimes she gets kind of interested in the trailing leaves occasionally if they look string-but doesn’t really bite them. It really varies by cat (and plant) I think.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I can’t advise on plants as I’m the kind of black-thumbed anti-gardener who seems to kill plants just by looking at them. But I’m so pleased you found the advice helpful and that things are better for you.

    6. paul*

      Hmm if it’s a cacti with spines the cat probably won’t mess with it more than once. I’d stick with non-toxic hardy plants so that if the cat messes with them they won’t hurt it/get hurt. African violets are cool and do well in those small (like 2×1′) indoor greenhouses, spider plants are great and hardy, haworthia is good.

      The ASPCA puts out a giant list of toxic and safe plants.

      FWIW, none of our cats growing up and neither of my wife’s cats ever really worried at plants much; the biggest problem is that the one we still have likes to try to sleep in the asparagus fern pot. We solved that by getting some of those bamboo skewers and putting them in that pot…

      Sealed terreria can look awesome but they’ve never been my bag. I do have a 30 gallon fish tank that’s basically set up as a water garden with hornwort and anubis and java moss (and snails and shrimp). Tried duckweed but it kept getting sucked up into the filter.

      1. Jess R.*

        I had a cactus with spines that somehow did not deter my cat at all. He would just walk up and start gnawing on it like it didn’t hurt at all. He also chewed on and tore out my other succulents so I’ve given up on those for now.

      2. Jaydee*

        African violets are cat-safe and pretty easy to care for (moderate sunlight, they prefer to be watered from the bottom rather than getting their leaves wet). Spider plants are also cat-safe and cool looking. My cats haven’t been interested in succulents, but I also haven’t been very successful in keeping them alive either. Pothos is ridiculously hardy but also slightly toxic to cats. So best to keep it up out of reach of your feline friend.

    7. AJ*

      The key to succulents is don’t overwater and lots of sun. Less is more with water – wait until the soil is dry to water again. Water deeply (until the water comes out the bottom – you MUST have a drainage hole if you don’t have a green thumb yet – watering without a drainage hole can be tricky) and infrequently – every 10-21 days depending on the size of the plant, temp in the room, volume of soil vs volume of roots. As far as cats go – be sure to google every single plant you bring into the apartment by scientific name – only buy plants with labels so you know what you have. I know “mother of thousands” / Bryophyllum daigremontianum is HIGHLY toxic to cats and the very common jade plant/rubber tree plant is toxic to cats and dogs.

      1. AJ*

        Addendum – A sealed terrarium would be a good option to keep kitties out. You kinda have to see how much interest they will have in bothering the plants – i.e don’t think a terrarium is your only option, but it’s a good one. About terrarium drainage – you’ll do layers of rock/charcoal – lots of online tutorials. I like to put a thick layer of coffee filters between the soil and top level of rocks to keep the soil from seeping into the rocks – assuming crevices between rocks would allow this and you have a glass terrarium so you are viewing the layers. Trim the filters so that you don’t see them sticking out the edges. You can also try Etsy for plants, supplies, and even terrarium kits. You might also like airplants. Check out “Petite Beast” on Etsy. She sticks airplants in sea urchin shells sp they look like jelly fish – and can be hung up and away from cats.

    9. Natalie*

      Weirdly, I am a plant person and I usually kill succulents, basically because I am trying to care for them too much. They do well with benign neglect.

      Regarding cats and plants, my experience is that it can vary extremely depending on the cat, the location, the plant, and so on. Our cat likes to bite cut flowers for some reason, but mostly leaves the houseplants alone. My best friends cat doesn’t eat the houseplants, but licks the leaves so much that they fall off and die. If you’re really concerned about your plants and/or cat, you can get inexpensive terrariums at Ikea that fit 2-3 small plant pots.

      Another note regarding toxicity – I’d take toxic plant lists with a grain of salt. Most lists I’ve seen don’t do a good job of distinguishing between plants that are *fatal* to cats and dogs or cause a serious reaction, and plants that might cause an upset stomach or skin irritation upon contact. The latter category can encompass literally anything depending on the animal. My dog vomits when he eats turf grass, but I’m not going to pave my lawn.

    10. Trixie*

      My favorite youtube channel for succulents is “Garden Answer” and she does an amazing job of explaining 101 basics. Plants in general are also a wonderful way to create a comfortable, welcoming environment and many are super low maintenance. Soft lighting, books, and candles. Maybe some easy simply framed prints or quotes that catch your eye from Etsy.
      Slightly off topic but I was reading recently that essential oils can be toxic to cats (over time) which was news to me. While I’m probably good with lavender oil in the bath with door shut, I’ll keep my aromatherapy diffuser for work.

    11. Perpetua*

      Woohoo for improved mental health, that sounds lovely!

      For me, the key to making my apartment nice to me are the little things that make me happy-ish when I look at them (I say happy-ish because I don’t expect a world of euphoria from let’s say a jewelry stand, but it still makes me feel nice that I bought myself a ballerina-shaped stand and I like seeing it in my room).

      The usual recommendations that have worked for me as well: decorative pillows and some throws for the couch, e.g. one nice cozy blanket and one for adding some texture in my living room. Cozy lightning, at least a side lamp or something that can be muted a bit, or twinkle lights (they’re not everyone’s taste, but I enjoy them). Art I enjoy – and by art I mean it can be anything – a magazine cutout in an interesting color, an ad from the newspaper that caught my eye, inspirational illustration from a calendar (I have all of those in my frames).

      I like order, so I like when everything has its place, that’s also a big part of enjoying my space.

    12. Cheshire Cat*

      For general suggestions: thrift stores and yard sales can be great places to find lamps, tables, etc. I avoid them for sofas and plush chairs, though. Look through Better Homes & Gardens or similar magazines for ideas that you really like, and then look for similar items when you go shopping. Sometimes they will have articles on making a small place look larger.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have made out very well with yard sales. I hit one sale last year and filled the back of my car for $9. I estimated and totaled it up later, it was probably $500 worth of stuff.
        I am a big fan. Get there early. My boss uses the rule of thumb “if it’s not 90% off retail then it’s not a deal”. This is not as hard as it sounds, some people will take a few bucks just to get rid of the thing.

        Pick a color for each room. For example, I have blues in my living room and any color that compliments blue. This also helps me to limit my spending. No, I cannot buy that orange rocker no matter how comfy it is.

        I’d like to encourage you that decorating is not as daunting as one would think. It’s all you, you are the common thread. Your decor reflects your likes, your interests and what you think is of value in life. You will probably find yourself automatically picking out things with a similar theme or color group. When you get it all in the room it will actually make sense and fit together.

        For larger items, do measure. And bring the tape measure with you while shopping. And by all means, anything that feels negative or sparks a negative memory should GO from your home. If the item is of value, sell it and pour the money into something with positive connotations.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Flea markets, too, if you can find a good one. I have a TON of stuff in my house that came from flea markets. Some of it had to be refurbished or painted, so if you don’t have space for that it might not be practical, but you can get a zillion smaller items, especially quirky decorative stuff. Plus it’s fun to browse and laugh at the ugliest things.

    13. MissDissplaced*

      When i lived in LA in my small one bedroom place, I basically chose a look from the IKEA catalog. Lol!

    15. I Love Thrawn*

      I have two cats, and I simply don’t take the chance with any real plants of any kind, though I do like flowers. There are lists on the net you can look up, or ask your vet, but honestly I wouldn’t take the chance. Go for silk ones.

    16. Clever Name*

      Yay for you! I’m so glad things are going better.

      Cats and plants. I am an avid indoor gardener, and I recently got 2 kittens, and it’s been a challenge, honestly. I’ve always had cats, so my plants are all cat safe, but I’m re-learning what kittens are like versus what elderly cats are like. I’ve had to be flexible in terms of where I put my plants, and I’ve had to be diligent with using a spray bottle of water to squirt my cats when they mess with my larger plants that I cant put somewhere they can’t reach.

    17. Triceratops*

      Also a curious-cat owner without a green thumb.

      – At my local plant store, they said that most succulents (or perhaps just all the kinds they sold) were safe to eat, for both humans and pets. I have a cat very prone to eating ~anything~, so I bought 3 small succulents (without spikes, bc I worried about her hurting her face, ha). I’ve never seen her chewing on them, but they are kind of dying lol.

      – I also got another non-toxic plant (a ponytail palm) that I have seen her chewing on and seems much healthier than the succulents.

    18. Student Affairs Professional*

      Search for the Lotus Q-tip holder on amazon – there are several sellers but they’re all kind of the same idea. It looks like a lotus flower but holds q-tips under a little plastic cloche. They have a few different colors, I got the green one for $4.99! I love that it’s functional but really cute. It adds a fun pop to a bathroom (or bedroom dresser/vanity).

    19. TardyTardis*

      There are brilliant wall tapestries at DressLily–don’t know what your space is like, but given how I kill plants with a single glance, if I had space to decorate, I would think about some of these.

  5. Ella*

    Does anyone listen to 99% Invisible? It’s a podcast. The most recent episode is called “Thermal Delight” and is about the effect of air conditioning on our society–including its effect on architecture, and office buildings, and the advent of the Thermostat Wars. It made me think of conversations I’ve seen here in the comments.

    1. Pearl*

      I love 99% Invisible! I haven’t had a chance to listen to Thermal Delight yet but this is one of my go-to podcasts for when I need to give my brain something to do. I try to keep current but have also been going through the archives. I loved #76, “Modern Moloch,” the one about pedestrians and use of roads and the invention of jaywalking.

    3. Snark*

      I really like it best when it’s actually about design, and it sometimes wanders away from that, but generally it’s an excellent podcast.

    4. Triplestep*

      Thanks, I’m going to look this up! (I a work in the building trades and design, and I’m also kind of a construction geek, so this sounds right up my alley.)

      1. Ella*

        Oh man, go all the way back to the beginning. It’s totally worth it. The purple hotel! The geodesic dome episode! The bubble houses in California!

    5. PX*

      Oh man, I have not heard of it but as someone with a passing interest in architecture and who hates air conditioning, I definitely know that the invention of the AC is one of the things that has influenced society so much more than people think, has been terrible for the environment generally and I personally would love for it to die.

      I wish traditional methods of building cooling (right materials, smart design etc) would make much more of a comeback.

      Signed,
      Someone who comes from a tropical country and knows it is possible to stay cool in buildings without an AC to freeze you to death

  6. WellRed*

    I am so pleased to hear that Delta is setting some tighter guidelines around emotional support animals. Hopefully, it spreads.

        1. Temperance*

          Good. I’m a total dog lover, but I honestly don’t think they belong everywhere. I also think this current trend of “emotional support animals” is BS. It’s just a way to try to get around no-pet policies in apartments and in public. It puts both the animal and society at large in danger.

          2. neverjaunty*

            Eh, emotional support animals are a thing. The problem, as always, is the glass bowls who treat it as a loophole to bring their pets everywhere. And of course being glass bowls, do not have pets with training or temperament to go everywhere.

            2. Lady Anonymous*

              Well, then you also have the people (like a certain family member of mine) who don’t need emotional support per se, but they get a doctor to sign the forms, and then they can bring their pet on board with them.

              I am nervous around dogs and would be very unhappy if I had to share my (limited) space in the plane with one! I’d be understanding if the dog were really needed as an emotional support animal, but I have no patience with people who feel that their right to have their dear pet near them outweighs my right to feel safe and comfortable.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                I love dogs. But I always say people first, animals second. Someone comes over who does not like dogs then my little buddy goes out to the kitchen for the duration of their visit. It’s just a bad mix to put beings together who do not want to be together. That is just asking for problems. My guy will get over being in the kitchen for a bit until the person leaves.

            3. Temperance*

              I don’t doubt that pets provide emotional benefits to people. I just see ESAs as a way to get around no-pet policies.

              Service dogs are a whole different category, though. ESAs don’t go through any sort of training and aren’t certified. Generally speaking, service dogs aren’t required to go through that, either, but they have to perform a specific task for their handler.

              1. Natalie*

                Some of it is ignorance from business owners – ESAs have no rights except in housing and transport, so it’s perfectly acceptable to not allow them at brunch or whatever. But it seems like most business owners do not realize this, or that they can even ask a service dog to leave if it is seriously misbehaving.

              2. neverjaunty*

                ESAs can be trained service animals; it doesn’t have to be a synonym for a pet. And unfortunately people also just buy harnesses and things that say “service animal” for their pets, knowing that rarely is anyone going to demand proof.

                1. copy run start*

                  I don’t believe you can ask for proof* that an animal is a service animal, only if it is required due to a disability and what specific task the animal has been trained to perform.

                  *without running afoul of the law

                2. Stellaaaaa*

                  copy run start: You are not allowed to ask to see documentation for service animals, but you are allowed to ask what job the animal was trained to perform for you.

                3. Natalie*

                  @ copy run start, you’re correct, and there isn’t really any proof anyway – there’s no legally meaningful certification or anything. You also can’t ask why the animal is needed if it’s obvious, such as a dog guiding a person that’s clearly blind.

                  Fun fact, along with dogs, miniature horses are also specifically protected by the ADA. I believe they are used for balance assistance but might be wrong.

            4. Tea, please*

              My sister’s girlfriend has an emotional support animal. While I had concerns about her (particularly regarding self-centeredness-my sister bends over backward to be mindful of her needs. The girlfriend—not so much) tried to keep an open mind. But when I heard she’s has an emotional support pet, I was done.

          3. Dan*

            Specifically with regards to air travel, most airlines actually do permit pets in the cabin.

            However, the pet fee isn’t cheap… United charges $125 each way. They also limit four pets per flight.

            So folks that are lying about ESAs are trying to save a few bucks. I can’t say I blame them. I’m sure they figure they aren’t harming anybody.

            One reason the airlines turn a blind eye is that they can get in serious trouble if they mess with someone who has a legit service animal, as well as get some nasty PR. From a risk standpoint, it’s easier to tell your $9/hr employee to look the other way on these things.

            1. INTP*

              I think besides saving money, service animals (and apparently, previously support animals) are allowed to not be in their carriers during the flight whereas most pets have to stay in carriers. So some of these people want to play with their animals during the flight. Which I wouldn’t begrudge for someone who couldn’t fly without the animal in their lap, but I don’t think it’s worth the potential dangers and annoyances to other passengers if it’s not mandatory for someone to fly, just makes it a little more pleasant. Not just attacks but increasing the amount of pet allergens that get circulated through the cabin, for example. Booze makes me a much less anxious flyer but I accept that I’m not supposed to fly drunk for reasons involving the safety and comfort of other passengers, lol.

          4. Artemesia*

            I think service animals should be licensed. They have to be trained for a person and it would be fairly easy to make a license card part of that, that the person using the service animal could show. They wouldn’t have to discuss their disability but they could prove that their animal is a service animal. The way it is now, on Delta, if the person claims the animal is a service animal rather than an emotional support animal there is no way to verify that. The law should change on this to require this kind of proof.

            You can buy vests for the dog on line that are fake. And the whole emotional support thing has been seriously abused for people to bring pets everywhere. Delta is spot on on this. No passenger should be stuck next to a poorly trained animal or a turkey or snake or whatever on a flight.

        2. Menacia*

          I just read the article about the attack, the man bitten was sitting in the window seat next to a 50 pound dog sitting on its owner’s lap! Talk about a scenario set up for disaster… Just like any other situation where there is the potential for someone to be hurt, there absolutely needs to be more stringent rules around these emotional support animals. I read an article about an emotional support pig on a flight as well…wtf?

          1. Temperance*

            It’s horrible! I feel terrible for the attack victim. I hope that they are able to get adequate compensation for their injuries.

            There is literally no reason that a 50 lb. dog should ever be considered an ESA for these purposes. If a person wants to bring a dog the size of a 4th grader on a plane, he should have to buy a seat for the dog and put it in the window where it can’t access other people.

            1. Menacia*

              Exactly, the poor guy had no choice but to sit next to someone with a completely inappropriate dog. What about people who are allergic or have PTSD related to an incident with a dog? I never expect to fly on an airplane seated next to a dog, and would put up a huge stink should that occur. I am not a dog person and think they don’t belong in *many* places, for my safety and well-being as well as the animal’s.

              1. INTP*

                And if you’re allergic, being reseated doesn’t necessarily help you because the air recirculates. I had an allergy attack sitting across the row from a cat that was inside a carrier under the seat, and I’m sure a pet in a lap would put even more dander into the air.

                Plus, frankly, if you NEED a dog in your lap while out in public for emotional reasons, it seems reasonable to expect that person to get a dog appropriate for the purpose and as unobtrusive as possible – like a small and fairly quiet one. If the dog is just your pet and not one you’ve purchased because it’s mandatory for your ability to function, let it fly like any other pet.

          2. Beatrice*

            I shared a flight once with a young college student who was clearly using the ESA loophole to get her Golden Retriever home with her for free. I was sharing a row with her, her dog, and a bodybuilder with massive arms that physically could not be contained to the limits of his own seat area (and were encroaching on about 3” of my seat.) The dog was squashed into the area on the floor by her feet, and some of the bodybuilder’s foot space. It was not a comfortable flight for any of us, and I felt like I had the most right to be annoyed, lol.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Poor doggo. :(

              I’ve only shared a flight with a dog once (knowingly). It was a military dog, a large German shepherd. The Army guy he was with had a bulkhead seat–this was a small commuter plane–and the dog laid on the floor near his feet and behaved himself beautifully. He was probably used to flying, however.

              I wanted to pet him SO BADLY but I didn’t want to bother them.

    2. Hellanon*

      I’m so tired of dogs everywhere – I really don’t want to go grocery shopping with somebody’s over-privileged pet (actually, it makes me want to go borrow a Norwegian Forest Cat and walk it through the downtown LA Whole Foods until someone complains, and then point to all the damn dogs. But that may be more effort than the whole thing is worth!) and I suspect that most “support animals” on planes are barely house-trained. But I am cynical, and not kind when it comes to this nonsense.

      1. nep*

        I share this (probably quite unpopular) view — I don’t want dogs everywhere.
        When out and about with the toddler we take care of, I go only to no-dogs-allowed parks. How ridiculous are people who hang out there with their dogs. Ugh.

        2. Book Lover*

          I get thoroughly stressed out. Too many people don’t leash their dogs or for whatever reason think that leash laws mean that the leash has to be on but they don’t have to be holding the end of it. I’ve left our tiny neighborhood park when multiple dogs were brought in to play without leashes – this is not a dog park, by the way. I usually don’t get passive aggressive about it, but last time I called the kids to me and said loudly enough for people to hear that I didn’t want them at a park with dogs off leash.
          The farmer’s market also has lots of dogs, most of them delightful (and leashed) and with owners who say yes when the kids want to pet their dogs, but last weekend there was an aggressive barking one and it was upsetting.

          1. Lady Jay*

            Good dog owners really care about this kind of thing too. There’s a dog owner in my run club who’s very insistent that when dogs are in public, they belong on a leash. I told her how I met and was followed by an unleashed dog when I was running the other day, and though I meant it as a funny story (the dog seemed chill) she was very upset that the owner’s negligence was showing poorly on all dog owners.

            1. Natalie*

              It’s not safe for a leashed dog either – dogs can’t extrapolate very well so a leashed dog considers themselves forever trapped within 6 feet of their owner. Thus many leashed dogs to not react well to an unleashed dog that they feel they can’t get away from. Running away (even a short distance) is a common way for dogs to diffuse tension.

              1. Wendy Darling*

                My dog is small and has dwarf legs, so like 99% of all dogs tower over him. He feels REALLY threatened when a taller dog gets in his face (or worse, leans over his entire body to sniff his butt). He’s fine in the off-leash park because he just walks away from dogs that are invading his personal space, but he gets really defensive when he’s approached on-leash because he can’t get away.

                And half of the reason he can’t get away is that some assholes don’t leash their dog, or have their dog on a retractable lead and allow it to follow him when he tries to get away, or — and this is the worst — THEY follow my dog when he tries to get away.

                Then they call my dog “mean” or “aggressive” when he barks/air snaps at their dog that is chasing him and getting in his face. My dog has never been in a fight and he’s a small dwarf dog with an underbite — he would lose a fight to anything tougher than a sofa cushion. He’s never bitten another dog. But he is very assertive about telling dogs who are up in his face to GO AWAY. It makes me SO angry on his behalf when people let their dogs harass him as we are trying to exit the situation and then blame me/him when he reacts.

                I’m also trying to teach him not to be so reactive to larger dogs, and it wrecks our progress when some clueless jerk lets their larger dog harass him.

            2. INTP*

              Yep, there is a big debate about off-leash dogs in parks here and the most vocal opponents are other dog owners. Many have reactive dogs to whom “friendly” off-leash dogs pose a real threat, because the reactive dog will get aggressive, which isn’t an issue when all the dogs are under control and can’t reach each other, but can provoke the “friendly” off-leash dog to attack it. It’s also a danger to the dogs. A dog got sick after being in the woods running out of sight of the owner along a trail, and rather than acknowledge that she let her dog get into something rancid or poisonous, she claimed that it was poisoned by anti-dog people. (The debate is very heated.) The dogs can hurt or be hurt by wildlife, eat things they shouldn’t, be pepper sprayed or worse by humans hat are afraid of them, but these anti-leash people still insist that a friendly dog poses no problem and doesn’t need to be on a leash.

              1. Elizabeth H.*

                Maybe anti-leash people are insistent about it, because a friendly dog doesn’t pose a problem and doesn’t need to be on a leash? Time to run and play without being on a leash is essential for all dogs.

                1. Brydon*

                  your dog may be friendly but what if my leashed dog isn’t. Can you instantly call yours back? What if the off leash dog runs up to my working mobility dog and causes him to leave position to ward off the unwelcome advance and I fall. There are places it is legal for dogs to be off leash and run. (dog parks, owners property) and there are places they aren’t. If an off leash dog causes me or my dog harm when in one of the places that off leash dogs are not legal there will be a issue. If I choose to take my dog to a dog park (which I don’t unless they are empty while we are traveling) then I take the responsibility of keeping them and myself safe. If I am where dogs should be on leash then the liability goes to the person who broke the law/rules.

      2. Alcott*

        I’ve been seeing signs in West LA and Santa Monica that say variations on “Your emotional support animal is not protected by ADA and not allowed in here. Licensed service animals only.” It makes me happy.

        The last time I flew Jet Blue, there were at least 8 dogs on the flight, and one of them barked the whole (redeye) flight.

        1. nep*

          WHAT? Eight dogs on a flight? That is completely insane. No. Freaking. Way. This makes me not want to venture onto a plane ever again.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          I couldn’t believe how much of a thing this ESA thing had become in the US until we went to California last fall and it seemed like people had dogs EVERYWHERE. Someone tried to stroll into REI with one and was approached by a staff member who actually had a really good spiel rehearsed about “is this your dog, its a beautiful animal, we love animals but….”.

          I cant imagine what the flight attendants thought of EIGHT dogs on a plane. And don’t these owners know how distressing travel like that can be for their animals? Also, lap children in the incidence of an emergency is not a good thing and essentially turns them into projectiles, having a bunch of animals loose is not exactly safe either, and I am surprised the FAA hasn’t cracked down more.

          As an aside I did read an article years ago about miniature horses being properly trained as proper service animals and someone took one on a Delta flight as it was a seeing eye horse. It was adorable! It folded itself up neatly in the bulkhead by its owner, it had been bathroom trained, etc.

          1. Wendy Darling*

            Some stores actually are dog-friendly — I was surprised to find that REI wasn’t, actually! I’ve gone into places I thought were dog-friendly a couple times with my dog and been mistaken (or places have changed policy), but I’m happy to take him outside — I can leave him outside for a bit if it’s safe or come back another time without him. It is the risk I take by bringing my dog with me. (Usually if I’m going to shops with my dog I’m 90% walking the dog and 10% shopping, tbh — he likes to visit dog-friendly stores because the employees fuss over him and give him treats, and he enjoys being fawned over, and it’s good way for him to practice his good manners.)

            1. TL -*

              The REI in Austin is! Or at least, they didn’t fuss over my brother’s well-behaved three legged dog (but he said nobody ever does.)

      3. Former Employee*

        I had to look up Norwegian Forest Cat. Reminds me somewhat of the Maine Coon, which makes sense – cats who have evolved in cold climates. Both are beautiful examples of cat-dom.

        And yes, there can be too much of a good thing. Dogs can be wonderful. I am in awe of those dogs who help blind people live a more normal life or assist kids with serious medical issues who might not even survive if the dog didn’t wake them in time. Then there are those exceptional ones who are helping our veterans who suffer from PTSD, some of whom have said that if it weren’t for their dog, they might have been one more awful statistic. And let’s not forget those dogs that find lost children or alert us to dangerous situations.

        Having said all of that, I agree that an enclosed space, such as an airplane, is a totally wrong place for an untrained animal unless it is in a carrier or cage.

    3. fposte*

      I saw that too. I love dogs, and I think this is probably *good* for them. Most dogs don’t want to fly on planes or go to the grocery store. It’s not a comfortable environment for them. There’s a reason service dog programs have a washout rate–this is a tough gig for an animal. It’s kind of ironic that we’re talking situations that are hard enough on people that they need assistance, but that the fact that it’s hard on the animal too doesn’t seem to get similar attention.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Yes! It’s so depressing how many people who treat their animals as Inseparable and Special are actually terrible pet owners.

      2. Natalie*

        I always think about this when I see obviously non-trained dogs on the bus. They are clearly nervous (ears back, whites of the eyes showing, etc) and they don’t know to lay down on the bus, because they haven’t been trained and are freaking out! So they slide around or stumble every time the bus driver brakes.

        Obviously sometimes some people need to transport your dog on the bus, but, like, pay attention to the fact that it’s unhappy and at least comfort them.

      3. Temperance*

        I never thought about that angle, but you’re absolutely right. Fposte, you have an excellent way about making me think. Thank you for your comments!

    4. Max from St. Mary's*

      I know a couple of people with small dogs who have gone the internet diagnosis of anxiety route to get paperwork declaring their pets as ESAs. Both travel frequently and see it as a chance to take their dogs with them and save money–apparently they don’t have to pay for bringing the dogs onboard the plane, and they don’t have to pay for boarding while they’re gone.

      I’m happy to see Delta cracking down, and hope other airlines follow suit.

    5. kas*

      Wow, after reading your post and the comments I looked up this story and if there were no other seats on the plane, I would’ve exited the plane. I’m not a dog person and I would’ve had a panic attack if I had to sit next to a dog on a plane. I’m glad Delta is setting tighter guidelines.

    6. Observer*

      Wow! What a crazy story. But, I don’t think they are doing enough- the owners don’t have to provide ANY documentation that their can behave, and three is no policy on muzzles and the like.

    7. Dog Lover*

      I think it’s wrong that people get their dogs certified as an ESSA when it is really just their pet. However, airlines need to do more to ensure animals are safe and protected in the hold. There are horror stories of dogs being left out in really hot/cold whether for hours waiting to board and dogs passing away when traveling in the cargo hold. I understand why people might want to bring their pet into the cabin, if they had to travel with the pet. I would never put my dog in cargo because of the risk. If were moving long-distance, I would just drive with her. I think the jump in ESSA animals on planes has more to do with the safety of travel outside the main cabin then getting around the extra cost.

      1. the gold digger*

        Yes, this is the thing, unfortunately. My cousin used to be the manager of the pet transport customer service unit for an airline. She hated it, because she could do nothing to improve the conditions for the pets and there were too many sad stories.

        However – I don’t want your untrained pet on the plane, either. My aunt’s sister trains service dogs. She posts about it on facebook – it takes months and months to train a dog properly. If you really need one, get a dog who is prepared for it.

        PS Whoever recommended “The Plague Dogs” – thanks, but man. I just started it and just read the section about doing testing about what animals can endure in the hold.

        “It was not, of course, difficult to design humane and efficient travelling crates for animals provided cost was no object and that one could count on a reasonable measure of responsible human care during the journey. To do the thing cheaply, however, and counting upon the prevalence of ignorance, indifference, and neglect, called not only for ingenuity but also for expert knowledge of what various animals could be relied upon to endure….[i]n a short time…made the remarkable discovery that over-crowding, rough handling, and prolonged thirst were beyond a doubt the major contributors to higher than average death rates occurring among small mammals transported by air.”

      2. Observer*

        No excuses for the mishandling of animals, at all. But the solution is NOT bringing them on the plane itself. Driving with an animal can’t be fun, especially on a longer trip, but it’s really what has to happen.

  7. KatieKate*

    I have a problem with inappropriately laughing. To date, I have laughed during multiple high holiday services, two bar mitzvahs, and two funerals. The triggers are random—there was a funny looking rock, we were on page 69, or I got a meme stuck in my head AS I WAS DOING A READING and had to leave the service. The laughs are nearly uncontrollable where I am shaking and crying

    I’ve had to miss two funerals for friends and coworkers just this month because I was too afraid of what I would do. I’m at a loss because there will not be fewer funerals in my future, and I feel like a jerk for not going. Does anyone have any ideas?

    1. Courtney*

      What have you already tried to stop the laughing? I generally can’t stop crying at funerals even if I didn’t know the person well because I get hyper focused on how their immediate family must be feeling. I generally think of that as a problem, but maybe it’s something you need more of?

    2. fposte*

      First, you should watch the Chuckles Bites the Dust episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. It may make your actual problem slightly worse, but it will make you realize this is a thing.

      Yours is on the extreme end, but it’s basically a version of the church giggles–the tension of a situation where it’s important to stay solemn means that your brain finds relief in things that aren’t ordinarily funny, and the stress makes it hard to stop.

      Do you get any warning at all? I would have a task planned for when you feel the impulse–you’re going to check on all your keys, find your Kleenex, and make sure your phone is turned off (note these are also things that conveniently point your head down into your lap and make you less visible); unfortunately these aren’t usually situations where you have water at hand, but if you do, sip it and pat yourself with some as well. Basically, redirect.

      If you don’t get warning, the best I can offer is to have a handkerchief at the ready, pass it off as a sneeze attack, and get the heck out.

    3. Ella*

      Is it possible it’s an anxiety/feelings thing, and your body doesn’t know what to do with the feelings, so it’s channeling them into laughter?

      In the short term, unless it’s a super close family or loved one, I would decline to do readings or anything like that in the service, and sit near the back so you can discreetly excuse yourself if you feel laughter happening.

      I would also look into learning some meditation or relaxation techniques so you can learn to let the feelings go, instead of letting them build until they bubble out of you as laughter. I’ve had to learn to do this to assauge feelings of panic, and it’s helpful. Even just being able to take deep, steady breaths can help.

      Also all the examples you listed seem to be place-of-worship related. If you’re only going to your house of worship on high holidays or during funerals, maybe make it a project to go at other times (regular Sabbath services, or even mid-week if the building staff is cool with that) and just sit and hang out and make it feel less formidable, or fancy, or sacred, or whatever it is that makes the building feel different from other buildings.

    4. Temperance*

      I’m one of those people, too, although not to your degree.

      What works for me is to not pay attention, or to focus on the lyrics to “Let it Go” from Frozen.

    5. HappySnoopy*

      Show your support in other ways. Bring food/flowers, offer to do mundane errands, if you’re close, even take them out for a meal or a museum or something to get them out of the house for a bit (and just let them be themselves however they feel–no pressure to be socially “on”) .

      Depending on culture and schedule (mmv), you could also attend less “formal” parts of the services. Sometimes there’s a viewing or wake around it where you can slip in, express your condolences and slip out. They sometimes are more social in a way where family and friends reminisce and pictures are displayed celebrating/memorializing the deceased’s life. Laughter may not be noticed as inappropriate in those circumstances.

      Finally, don’t beat yourself up. People respond to anxious situations in weird ways.

      Just someone who’s been to a lot of religious and nonreligious funerals since I was 8.

      1. Agnodike*

        Mention of the High Holidays and bar mitzvahs suggests Judaism, and there are in fact lots of well-established cultural traditions for supporting mourners in a Jewish context, like sending food to the shiva house. So that might be a good stopgap solution.

        KatieKate, are there common threads between the events where your inappropriate laughter takes place? Like, are you just as likely to burst out laughing if you see a weird rock out a bus window, or if you glance at your odometer and the mileage ends in 69? Do you have other kinds of intrusive thoughts, or are you just prone to these specific bursts of hilarity? If it’s more widespread, I would check in with a doctor to make sure there’s nothing neurological going on. If it’s very specific, I would investigate what it is about the specific situation that’s prompting this response. Laughter is a really common reaction to anxiety or other intense emotion; if you can defuse the emotion around this particular situation, the laughter might resolve.

        1. KatieKate*

          You, I never thought about it as connected to a neurological issues, but I do have a seizure disorder. I’ll have to check with my doctor and see if it could be related! Thanks!

    6. RainRainGoAway*

      This can be a symptom of a underlying neurological issue. You should see a health care professional.

    7. Ron McDon*

      My sister has this problem – she always starts laughing at inappropriate moments; when I broke my arm, funerals, hospital bedsides… she either lets it out if low stakes (when I broke my arm) or suppresses it if high stakes (funeral/hospital).

      But supressing it makes it worse, because it has to come to the surface eventually.

      I don’t have any suggestions I’m afraid, but lots of sympathy.

    8. INTP*

      Have you been checked out by a neurologist for pseudobulbar affect? This is NOT an armchair diagnosis, and I have no idea if it’s severe/frequent enough to warrant looking into medical causes. Just a friendly heads up that sometimes this can be caused neurologically and if so can be controlled with medications, if that’s not something that you have already looked into.

      1. PX*

        Second looking into PBA. I read an article about someone who had the same issue after a brain injury, and it took a long time before he was correctly diagnosed.

    9. kas*

      I’m not as bad as you but I too laugh at inappropriate times. The worst for me is if someone slips, falls, walks into something, etc. I was once walking behind a girl into a store that had just redecorated and there was a very clean glass wall. She thought it was the entrance into the store and walked right into it. I laughed so hard I cried. My sister ended up walking away from me because she was so embarrassed by my laughing. Once I start laughing, I cannot stop. The girl wasn’t seriously injured (if she had been I definitely wouldn’t have laughed) but I still felt really bad for laughing.

    10. Nerdgal*

      I have this problem to a minor degree. And I have had to direct music at the funerals of friends, so nowhere to hide. What helps me is to.pretend the person is a stranger, I’m just at the funeral in an official capacity, I don’t really know them. This gets me through the service. Dont know if it will work for you but might be worth a try.

  8. Loopy*

    Anyone have experience with the process and general cost of prenuptial agreements? We have decided we 100% want one but I’m more overwhelmed going about finding a lawyer and trying to figure out a reasonable cost for this than I am by wedding planning.

    Fun fact in exchange for your advice and wisdom: bison friggin love Christmas trees. I volunteer somewhere with bison and we get discarded trees (no ornaments or tinsel on them if course!!!) and give them to the bison who are obsessed with them.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I have this image in my mind now of a bison
      hanging baubles and tinsel on a tree.

      Which is probably not what you meant (oh but if only it was).

    2. paul*

      Bison are so cool but so intimidating. One of the scariest but more awesome experiences in my life was being near two bulls having an argument in Yellowstone…the immense power of them butting heads was something you could *feel*. I’d seen bighorn go at it during mating season and that was impressive but wow oh man, two animals as big as your car running into each other is next level. Less of the loud crack and more of this amazingly loud THUD.

      1. Loopy*

        Yes! They are! I had no idea how fast an animal that big could run (they can be fast). It’s definitely good to realize how intimidating they are and give them their distance.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          They look so placid and chubby-looking that part of my brain just assumes they’re harmless. Fortunately I have a prefrontal cortex to be like, nope you are wrong. (Also… hippos. How can something so dangerous look so much like a bath toy???)

      2. Merci Dee*

        My parents went wandering out west last August, and had an up-close experience with bison. They were driving through Yellowstone, and mom was reading a magazine while dad drove. They’d slowed and then stopped, but mom didn’t pay attention until dad told her to look out her window. She looks up …. right into the eye of a bison that was standing door-to-shoulder with their SUV, with another one peeking into dad’s window. They were in the middle of a line of about 8 or 10 cars that had to stop because a herd of bison was just wandering across the road. They said it was really cool being that close to the animals, but also unsettling because they realized that the car was no real protection if things went sideways and the herd got spooked and decided to stampede.

        1. Loopy*

          That is true. They are massive. I’m glad they got to encounter how amazing they are without incident! I’m also glad no one in the group of cars was unwise enough to get out of the cars!

          They are SO big.

          1. Merci Dee*

            Dad said the bison on his side was a male, and he was just massive. They got to see a few calves in the group scooting along, jumping and kicking up their heels every once in a while. The females were munching as they walked, and making sure the calves didn’t get mixed in too much with the bulls. Pretty cool all around.

            1. Loopy*

              We have a calf and its with momma and ahhhhhh the cuteness. Bison are not typical thought of when people think cute baby animal but really they are precious!!!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        My friend was just talking about a show he saw that talked about wolves being afraid of bison. He said the show went on to show this bison stamping a den of baby wolves to death and the other wolves just stayed back from the scene. I guess there are hormonal reasons (mating season) for that happening. But I never thought of a wolf as being afraid of anything.

    3. PlantLady*

      Sorry, I can’t help regarding your prenuptial agreements question, but I must demand more details on the bison/Christmas tree subject. Do they eat them, roll on them, play with them, what? (So now I have this mental image of a group of bison playing a volleyball-like game with a retired Christmas tree…and that makes me happy.)

      2. Loopy*

        I believe more or less all of the above except maybe rolling. I’m not sure how much a bison can actually roll! But I’ve definitely seen them play with them, tossing them about with their heads! It’s great to watch them interact with them!

    4. fposte*

      Two lawyers, one for each of you. Sure, it’s possible to find a single lawyer who will draw one up, but the odds of its actually standing up, which is presumably part of the goal, go down considerably. I can’t remember when your planned wedding date is, but also make sure you leave plenty of time before it–a rush job the week before is also going to be precarious in court.

      There’s a bison farm a few miles from me (found out by taking a curvy turn on a country road and coming face to face with one); I might mention this possibility to people in my neighborhood who apparently were skipped by the city tree pickup program. The joy of giving one to a bison might be worth the dropoff effort.

      1. Loopy*

        I would definitely give the bison farm a call and ask. I searched online to see if this was a common thing people knew about but I only found one reference. But ours (loose wording here haha, do not have a bison at home, bad idea) love them so much I’d definitely hope other bison people knew!

        Thanks for the advice. We are absolutely going to two even though the cost makes us cringe. We really want to make sure we do it right.

        The timeline advice was helpful too. We have just about 12- 13 months and I think it’ll take us a few to get our lawyers sorted and scheduled but as long as we leave about six months between the agreement and wedding hopefully that’s enough???

    5. Red Reader*

      We just wanted a super basic “each party’s assets and debts should remain in their own name and not be considered communal property for dividing unless specifically entered into with both parties’ names” prenup, so we did a boilerplate DIY version from a legal forms website for $20 and had it notarized with no lawyers involved.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Which may or may not be ironclad, depending on your state’s requirements. Even if you use DIY forms, it’s safest to run them by an experience family law attorney in your state – and run them by separate lawyers. If the forms are solid, you’ll save money. If they’re generic, out of date, or missing legal requirements, it’s not worth it.

        Most states have a referral program where you can talk to a specialist for half an hour or so for very little money; call your county bar association.

        1. Natalie*

          Would something like this even be necessary if you don’t live in a community property state? I though the “whatever we bring is ours” thing was the default in most states.

          1. fposte*

            No lawyer here, but I’d do one in case 1) I moved to another state and 2) we had any chance of sufficiently disparate incomes or assets that it was important to me to outline what “equitable” looked like to us.

            1. Natalie*

              For a prenup in general, sure, I was asking specifically about the agreement Red Reader outlined that specified that everything they brought separately to the marriage remained separate. In a non-community property state I would think that is redundant.

            2. Loopy*

              I’m worried about how to write a document that will supposedly make a separation easier when there are 129387103497209 different scenarios we might be in 20 years form now or whatever.

              I definitely am going to show up at the lawyers office already at a loss. I guess at least I’ll get a lot for what I pay for since I feel totally clueless.

          2. neverjaunty*

            It can be more complicated than that, especially if you commingle property, or if there are later issues like starting a business or spousal support. And the default laws can change. And you can move to a different state.

      2. Loopy*

        We looked into this option but quickly got scared away from it since some sites warned it could end up being iffy in court. This is super important to us so we are going to safest route. I’m not legally savvy so I can’t say how risky it is but we decided we weren’t going to take the chance.

        It was tempting though.

    6. Loopy*

      I kind of love that a managed to create parallel conversations about bison and legal procedures. Hooray for odd combos.

      Love the bison love. I absolutely adore the animals but have a healthy respect for that fact they are wild animals and very large. They are wonderful to watch from a safe distance though!

    7. Bye Academia*

      I think the cost is going to depend on your state and your lawyers. For reference, I am in NYC, so your costs may be lower elsewhere. You definitely each need your own lawyer. In our case, my wife’s lawyer drafted the prenup and mine looked it over and suggested edits to advocate for me. It sounded like that’s a common setup. She found her lawyer first (through google? I’m not sure), and her lawyer suggested 3 different ones for me. I picked the one who sounded most appealing based on their websites and called it a day.

      My wife and her mother paid for her lawyer because her mother felt strongly about having the prenup (we both did too, we weren’t strong armed into it or anything), and I paid for my own lawyer. I’m not sure how much she had to pay, but it was definitely more than me since her lawyer actually wrote the document. I spent maybe $2-3k for my lawyer to edit everything over several rounds back and forth? My wife probably spent $5k+. You can certainly work it out so you both cover the fees evenly if you want. Maybe I could have paid less by shopping around more, but I was happy with my lawyer and really couldn’t be bothered to expend the energy.

      Good luck with the prenup, and the wedding!

      1. Loopy*

        This makes me a tact nervous but is really useful information. I think we’ll generally fall a bit lower than NYC (we’re not in a major city like NYC, L.A, Chicago, Boston, D.C. but we are in a city area) but that still more than we expected. I was thinking 2K for each of us.

        I’ll definitely talk to my fiancé about splitting the fees more evenly since are going into this pretty equally on wanting one.

      2. Anon post-nup poster*

        This sounds about like my experience. My husband and I are in the process of drafting a post-nup (pretty much just like a pre-nup, but after you’re already married). Husband’s father is a lawyer and he recommended someone for husband to use, then she suggested 2 or 3 respected colleagues (from different firms) and I chose one of them.

        We are also in NYC and we paid a $10k retainer for husband’s lawyer (she drafted the majority of the agreement) and a $5k retainer for my lawyer (who is just doing edits). I expect we’ll get back a significant portion of those retainers once it’s finished. I would guess the total cost for both lawyers will end up around $6-8k.

        Loopy, my best advice to you is to figure out ahead of time what kind of terms you want in the pre-nup. Try looking up what kinds of things can be specified in a pre-nup and then talk with your fiance about them and come to an agreement. Or have an initial meeting with a lawyer, lay out whatever concerns have made you want the pre-nup and have her tell you what some options are, then discuss those with your fiance. The more the two of you agree, the less time it will take the lawyers to draft the agreement, and the fewer rounds of edits you will need to make and that will save you money because the lawyers’ hourly fees are $$$$. You’ll both need to agree to the terms in the end anyway, so better to agree amongst yourselves first, then pay the lawyers to hash it out while charging for their time. The way I’m approaching it is that my lawyer is there to write what I want in legalese, and tell me if I’m forgetting something important, or if the terms aren’t favorable to me.

        1. Loopy*

          Thanks so much for posting! The absolute first thing that made me know my now finance was a good long term match was that our financial styles (is that a thing) sync up. So we will absolutely not hesitate to talk it out beforehand and it’s a great reminder to do that at length! I’ll need to research exactly what we need to address because I’m still thinking “Why can’t we just keep everything separate forever…?”, which I know is more complicated than it sounds!

          I appreciate the pricing info. If we get quoted that we will fall out of our chairs and finance will have a heart attack (we are lawyer newbies). I was hoping it would be maxing out at about 6k for us. I’m more nervous about the cost than the actual agreement! But it’s good to have to time to adjust to the reality! I do wonder how much lawyers fees vary by region… am I naive to hope it’s a a lot? I’m in a small to midsize south eastern city….

          1. Clever Name*

            The “keep it separate forever” is easier said than done. In most states, for something to be separate property, you have to show that you had the asset before the marriage and it wasn’t commingled. Anything earned during the marriage is generally considered marital property. I just got divorced, and most of our assets were considered marital property. Including my ex husband’s pension. The two things considered separate property were a small brokerage account my granny started for me when I was 17 and an even smaller life insurance policy a relative gave to me when I was like 4. Everything else was divided evenly.

    8. Melody Pond*

      Oh man – I’m so glad you started this thread, because I was going to post about this exact same thing today!

      Also, side note, I’m always interested in what’s going on with your wedding/marriage developments, ever since you posted about your engagement a while back (about how you were really glad you gave your partner time to think and process, because he eventually was ready to propose – if you remember, I responded and said that the way you described your partner SUPER reminded me of Mr. Pond). I feel kind of a kinship with you, now. :)

      We also are starting to look into drafting a prenup, and I have no idea how to find or choose a lawyer. We think we’re going to use DIY forms to hopefully do 95% of the work ourselves, and then each get our own lawyer to review the draft we’ve written, and make edits/suggestions from there. There’s a book I picked up from the library a while back, called “Prenuptial Agreements: How to Write a Fair and Lasting Contract” by Katherine Stoner. I perused it a bit, and it was helpful enough to give me confidence that we could write up our own draft. We’ll be ready to start writing it in another month or so, and I’ll borrow the book again at that time to guide us through it.

      As for cost – I’m really not sure what to expect either. We’re planning to save up a grand total of ~$2400, to cover separate attorneys for both of us. Hopefully that will be enough for the cost of attorneys simply reviewing/editing our draft, if we’ve done a thorough job. Our financials aren’t that complicated, so I’m hopeful.

      2. Harriet M. Welsch*

        Estate planning attorney here. Just a head’s up that draft preparation on your part is not likely to significantly reduce your costs, if at all. Attorneys generally have their own forms they like to use, that they are comfortable navigating and are confident comply with applicable law. Bringing in your own draft causes the attorney to not only make sure a document reflects your intent and preferences, but also complies with the law. In short, it creates more work than if you just have a very clear idea of and are able to communicate your intent/preferences. All that being said, your research into the process before hiring an attorney is so smart! And congrats on your upcoming marriage!

      3. Loopy*

        Oh man, we *are* super similar! I’m totally down for AAM kinship! :)

        My fiancé wanted to try that route but as I steered him away and I really appreciate the advice now below (above?) on how that may end up backfiring since lawyer prefer their own forms (it seems any easy route is too good to be true!). At this point my only hope is really going in prepared with what we both want and cutting down on the back and forth.

        We thought it would be about 1,000 each too but now I’m trying to ease into the realization it may be closer to 5-6K for the entire process. It makes me sad but then again I would never want to tell a lawyer they charge too much since obviously I could never dream of doing it myself/doing what they do. Just feeling a bit naive!

        It’s also at odds with me realizing (to my horror) I seem to care about that stupid puffy white dress and they are expensive. Fortunately my feet are on the ground and if I have to give up the dress (er and several other things…!) for the prenup- well one is going to be a lot more practical than the other!!!!

        1. misspiggy*

          Almost completely OT but you may well find the dress comes for a lot less, especially as you still have so much time. I got mine at a wedding dress shop’s sample sale for less than a quarter of the original price. It was three sizes too big but a local tailor (not the dress shop) took it right down and restyled it to my preference. The tailoring cost quite a bit, but the whole lot was still well under £1000 and was completely right for me.

  9. CatCat*

    Does anyone here buy Series I savings bonds from Treasury Direct?

    We have a moving fund parked in savings that I don’t expect to need within a year that I was thinking of parking in I bonds. There are no plans on the horizon to move either. I just like having the money set aside to do it just in case.

    Also thinking of starting a ladder to move some emergency funds from savings into I bonds. It would take several years to fully construct the ladder, but the rates are better than my savings account.

    Other than locking up the the money for a year and losing the last three months worth of interest if cashed out in under 5 years, are there any downsides here? I got the idea from a reddit post and am trying to do my due diligence before actually doing it.

    1. fposte*

      I have some I Bonds. Why do you like them better than CDs for a short-term ladder? I think that’s the key question.

        1. fposte*

          The composite rate is currently 2.58% for bonds bought right now; the comparison to CD rates depends on how much you’re putting in, but at $5k there are several that pay more. As you probably know, with I Bonds, your rate may drop considerably or it may go up, depending on what happens to the consumer price index, but the *fixed* rate for those currently bought is all of .10%, so it could get pretty darn now.

          I’m not opposed to I Bonds, but most people who choose them over CDs are interested in the following advantages:

          Deferred federal income tax (don’t have to pay federal tax on growth annually–this is good if you think you’ll be in a lower bracket later, but not so good if you’ll be in a higher)
          Redemption (and therefore growth) is partially or entirely tax-free if proceeds are used for qualified educational expenses
          No state tax on growth (no advantage if you’re in Texas, great advantage if you’re in California)
          Inflation protection (not likely to be a significant advantage for a year, but a lot of people buy them for the multi-decade haul for this reason)
          Getting more tax-advantaged bond space outside of retirement accounts

          There’s nothing really wrong with buying I Bonds just for the yield the way you’re talking about; over the short term even if you’d gotten better interest on a CD it’s not likely to be a huge difference. But most people buy them because they want one or some of the above-listed advantages as well, since they’re usually beat out head-to-head on yield alone for the short term.

          1. fposte*

            BTW, that makes it sound like I think I Bonds are always a worse deal short-term. Of course they’re not; if inflation zooms up, the I Bonds’ rate will go up, while the CD rate will stay the same thing, and if you need to break a CD, the penalty rate may be greater than that on the I Bonds.

            1. CatCat*

              Great info, thank you so much! So helpful! I would benefit from both the exemption from state taxes and deferral of federal taxes.

    2. hammock lover*

      Look over their website. We had some a few years ago, and it was a very unfriendly thing to use. Lost my password, had to jump through several hoops to regain access, including medallion signatures and paper forms. Had to change bank info when I went to cash them out, again with the medallion signatures. While I appreciate they were safe guarding my money, they were years behind other big financial organizations.

  10. DoctorateStrange*

    I finally finished the Invention of Angela Carter by Edmund Gordon. Carter died in the early nineties and I knew the book was going to talk about her last few years, but I still bawled when I had to read the line that said she died. It also felt weird to know that she started falling ill around the time I was born.

    1. fposte*

      I have that bookmarked as a read for when I have reading time. But yes, it’s always disorienting to feel fresh grief about someone who was dead before you knew them. Speaking of which, Deborah Heiligman’s excellent Vincent and Theo, if you want to feel sad about Vincent and Theo Van Gogh.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I saw Loving Vincent (the painted movie) at the art house cinema, and I thought I’d cry during the film because I’ve definitely cried over Vincent before. Especially after seeing his work close up. But I did not–it waited until I got home, fortunately.

  12. Katie the Fed*

    I’m just going to leave a list of complaints. I’ll be more positive later:

    I’m sick with a cold. I’m so, so tired. Nursing a baby every 3 hours is EXHAUSTING. He’s the greatest thing in the world but OMG am I ever going to sleep more than 4 hours in a stretch again?

    And now a government shutdown. Awesome. We’ll really enjoy not getting paid for however long this takes.

    1. paul*

      Good luck.

      We’ve got a multimonth lead time before any stoppages trickle down to us (money goes from the federal HHS to the state HHSC to us in a maze I can’t really follow without a flowchart) so I’m hoping it’s done by then.

    2. fposte*

      I thought of you, KtF; I remember your input during the last shutdown. Not something you really want to be a veteran of. I hope everybody gets to go back to work–or at least get paid again–soon.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Thank you! I’ve started just budgeting for shutdowns, but the shenanigans of it are so frustrating. It’s so unnecessary.

    3. neverjaunty*

      I promise you that someday, the baby will sleep in until noon and be self-feeding by means of cleaning out all the food you just bought.

    4. Emmie*

      Congratulations on the baby, Katie The Fed. You will get more sleep soon. I hope the cold and the shutdown end very soon for you.

    5. Courtney*

      Oh gosh, I remember those days with babies and…ugh. I’m sorry. Baby will eventually sleep through the night! But I know those days/nights can seem forever long – hang in there, and do what you can to take care of yourself. Naps, baths with cool bath bombs, and new books were some of my favorite things during that time.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I’ve discovered Call the Midwife – it’s getting me through the 5+ hours a day I spent nursing him.

        1. Tea, please*

          Yes, it does get better. My first would feed for hours. Stop. Then feed for hours again. I used an app to keep track of his feeds. The minutes spent feeding literally off the charts. I never knew if he would stay asleep or wake up as soon as I put him down.
          When he was 4-6 weeks, he started to get more efficient and spacing feedings out. Call the Midwife is great! Im definitely a homebody, but I needed to get out of the house and do normal things like shop or go to museums so I felt like more than a milk dispenser.

          1. Katie the Fed*

            Yes! That’s part of what’s really hard about a winter baby – its hard to get out of the house. We’re having a bit of a warm spell so I’m at least taking him for walks every day.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Yes! I mentioned it in passing during a regular weekday post – it’s been a little busy :)

        He came about a week early after I went to my regular OB appointment and discovered I had pre-eclampsia. We induced that night and due to some complications he came by c-section. We’re both doing great, but one of us has decided the other one doesn’t need sleep, ever :)

    7. Merci Dee*

      So good to hear from you again! I missed your weekday post, apparently, but it’s great to see your handle floating around again!

      Congrats on the little one! I remember the early months with my daughter, and I don’t envy you the constant exhaustion and interrupted sleep. I do, however, miss those sweet baby-scented kisses from the side of her little neck. And tiny baby toes …..

      It does get better, I promise. And in about 13 years, you have the rolling eyes, the exasperated sighs, and the general snark to deal with during the teen years. So much fun! ~sob~

      1. another Liz*

        The 13 year old snark is my life now. It feels like forever when you’re in it, but these sleep deprived days will pass before you know it. And the first time she slept through the night, I woke up in full blown panic that the sun was up and I hadn’t heard a peep!

    9. Agnodike*

      My youngest started sleeping a six hour stretch at night around four months old. She did it from 7 pm to 1 am, which wasn’t ideal, but she did it. We started doing a bottle for the midnight feed around then, so the nights when my spouse did the midnight feed I could go to sleep at 8 and wake up with her at 4, which was a blissful eight hours. You can do it!!

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think you’re absolved of being positive right now <3

      Hope you feel better soon and glad that Baby Fed seems to be doing well.

    11. Jean (just Jean)*

      Mazel tov! May you have more joy and peace than annoyance and evaporated sleep.
      Somebody shared this wisdom with me about children: “the days are long but the years are short.”
      Can you doze while the baby is nursing?
      Good luck with everything and may the shutdown be brief.

    12. Thlayli*

      I missed you saying you had the baby! Congratulations!
      Yes nursing every three hours is exhausting. I’m sure you already know this but just in case Try to eat and drink at least an hour before the next session. I used to have a lot of brand on toast and poached eggs on toast and drank so much milk. I was basically a milk filter haha.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Thank you! He’s amazing – we’re crazy in love with him :)

        OMG I am a bottomless pit! What’s amazing is I haven’t gained weight (and I’m below my pre-pregnancy weight, woot!) but man I feel like I eat constantly! I have a snack station set up in the nursery and I just chow down while I feed him. I think all the money we’re saving on formula is going to feed me. :)

    13. Tassie Tiger*

      I remember when you first posted that you’d found out you were pregnant….it’s amazing to me that now he’s born! I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well though :(

    14. Deedee*

      I’ve been thinking of you – glad to hear baby is here and all is well. Congratulations! New babies are a lot of work for sure. Stay strong – it’s hard now but you will get to the point where you will get enough sleep again soon enough. So happy for you!

    15. BatteryB*

      Congrats on Baby Fed! It just seems like yesterday that I was rocking Baby Battery and now he’ll turn 30 this year.

    17. J.B.*

      Congratulations! You will sleep again I promise. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with the shutdown!

  13. Anon in NYC*

    Going anon for this because the info in this post plus my regular username would probably be enough to identify me.

    I’m in a large choir that is well known enough that we sometimes get to do US or world premieres of new choral music. This season, we will be premiering two works. The intent of the program is clearly to be “woke,” and one of the pieces is themed on the experiences of slaves in the pre-Civil War era. All the soloists for the piece will be African-American, but our choir is about 90% white, and many members are really wealthy. (The composer of the piece is also a white man.) Which makes me feel really weird singing lyrics that are supposed to be from the perspective of the slaves — things like “our struggles will always be remembered.”

    I feel really, really conflicted about singing this piece. (I dislike it musically, but that’s a separate issue.) It feels very much like tokenism to hire AA soloists and sing from the perspective of slaves when so many of us have never come close to being the object of racism, let alone experiencing slavery!

    I love singing with this group, but I’m really uncomfortable singing this piece of music. I don’t know how to express my qualms in a way that matters — the board of directors is usually pretty hidebound and “this is not a democracy.”

    Any ideas?

    1. Helpful*

      You could see it as an opportunity to use music to communicate and evoke a significant piece of history. You singing the lyrics doesn’t mean you have experienced slavery-equivalent struggle. You are an instrument that communicates what the composer intends.

      It seems like you think privilege prevents individuals in your choir from participating in making art in an authentic way. I’m not sure if I’m communicating this right, I’m on the fly. I do get where you’re coming from, but I think it’s not as automatically offensive as you might think.

    2. Laura H*

      I know the social squick/ weirdness is the main issue, but as you also have issues with its musicality or lack thereof- that’s a viable angle of address- it’s more relevant to what y’all do… it’s the angle I’d use first.

      Also, as Alison mentions a lot- getting a group of y’all that feel equally or more squicky on the social issue together is also prolly a good angle as well. You’re prolly not alone.

      Good luck!!

    3. fposte*

      Can you frame it not so much as “we shouldn’t sing this” but “if we go ahead, we should put preparations in place for the likely negative publicity”? Sometimes organizations are more receptive to the notion that this could bite them in the ass publicly than their members don’t like it.

      BTW, I think this is pretty common in ostensibly politically progressive choirs, too. There are what I call the “Boo hoo, Africa” songs (see also: “Do They Know It’s Christmas”) that couldn’t tell Chad from Madagascar, and while I love “Bread and Roses,” it’s super-weird to hear “No more . . . ten that toil while one reposes” from a chorus that are clearly the ones reposing.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Yes, authenticity is important. But I think empathy is better than non-empathy, and thinking about slavery from the slaves’ point of view is better than not thinking about it at all, or only thinking about it as somebody else’s problem.

      African-American artists have had to put up with telling white-centered stories for like, ever. I think its not a bad thing if we normalized putting POC at the center of the story and let the privileged be the “backup singers.”

      I hope the composer used real texts and/or got plenty of feedback from people to make sure the work is giving healthy representation.

    5. Former Employee*

      Keep in mind that the African Americans who are singing the solos have never experienced slavery, either.
      In fact, some may have a heritage that is more like that of President Obama, whose father was from Africa and thus does not have slave ancestors.

      I see it as no different from someone who is in a choral group singing Handel and they happen to be an agnostic or even an atheist, so “The Messiah” is just the name of the piece.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I am also a choral singer (we may even have crossed paths– I lived and sang in NYC for a long time) and I know how this feels. I’ve been in similar situations. My boyfriend (also a singer) refuses to sing in our chorus’s holiday concert because of the way a particular arrangement was handled; he thought it was flat-out disrespectful.

      I have very little concrete advice to ease your mind, but I agree with others that if the goal is to shine a light on the slaves’ experience, then in that context it feels less weird. I think the fact that it’s a new piece and in English might contribute to making you uneasy; 95% of the symphonic pieces we all perform are all about praising Jesus, and I’m Jewish. It’s a bit easier to reconcile when the text is in Latin and it’s hundreds of years old. If you think the composer was trying to put the issue of slavery in a “traditional” setting in order to bring its lessons to the forefront, then I think it’s worth it to perform the piece.

      Have you ever done the concert version of Porgy and Bess? Similar deal: Black soloists, White playwright, Jewish composer. It’s not a perfect example, of course, but it’s a piece we do all the time (also because it’s such great music, which helps its cause). I would think of it from that angle too.

    7. Blue Eagle*

      If your choir doesn’t sing it, would a choir whose members have an African ethnic background make the same tour that your choir is doing and sing it? If not, would you rather that patrons hear the lyrics and have a response to them or would you rather that patrons just hear about your white experience (or whatever your ethnic background is)?

      As for me, I would rather that the patrons be exposed to lyrics they might not otherwise be exposed to. But that’s me.

    8. Natalie*

      I guess I’ll be the contrary person – I understand why you find this uncomfortable/inappropriate and I probably would to. I would take opinions you get from other white people with a bit of a grain of salt (including mine, I’m white) because it’s oversimplifying to say the message is positive, or this is the same as a hundreds of years old song that I have no personal relationship too. There are very real issues of representation being hammered out right now and this is a perfect example.

      All of that said, it sounds like your ability to skip it is limited. Does your choir do anything active to broaden and diversify their membership, and if so, could you get involved in that effort? I know with orchestras they’ve started doing auditions behind a screen to cut down on implicit bias; that would be something easy to implement for your choir (assuming they do auditions).

      1. Natalie*

        I should add – I think folks are trying to make you feel better about it, since it’s not a huge giant deal and your choir is kind of rigid, and that’s a good and friendly impulse. But I suppose I would encourage you to continue to exist with the discomfort. Sometimes all we can do with systemic prejudice is *not* try and argue ourselves into believing it’s okay.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Oh, I agree. I dont think the setup is all for the best, or without problems, or anything. I mean, if an arts organization wants to amplify stories about oppression, youd think the place to start would be with works by writers/composers who are living the fallout, and who are underrepresented, etc. Or giving a grant or space to another group. Or bringing more own voices into leadership or the production team.

          But the LW isnt the one choosing the works or the staff, and her options are limited. And if she drops out or tries to rally others to stop the production, the practical result will be a white choir agitating to stop black artists from having lead roles in a work about slavery.

          Thats not an improvement.

          I get why its hinky and yes, theres good reason. But if a story should be told, I think it’s better to have the wrong people tell it than not tell it.

    9. Artemesia*

      The perfect is the enemy of the good enough. When you belong to a choir you sing what they choose. And they are clearly making an effort by bringing in AA soloists etc. I understand where you are coming from; we once belonged to a lilly white conservative southern church which began their annual report with ‘The word that best characterizes our (Presbyterian congregation) is ‘diversity’, so yeah it can be grating. But still better to address slavery and racism in the music program than not. They could be doing Dixie and a medley of plantation songs in keeping with their lack of diversity.

    10. Delphine*

      I’d feel uncomfortable too. Have you talked to any other (particularly black and/or non-white) choir members to see what they think?

    11. Anon in NYC*

      Thanks for the varying perspectives, all.

      I think I would be more comfortable with the idea of singing this piece if either or both of the following were true:
      1) It were composed by a person of color
      2) the lyrics from the perspective of the slaves were not given to the choir (sometimes we are also communicating, say, the language of wanted posters and voices telling the slaves to run, rather than taking the perspective of the oppressed)

      I have not talked to the few AA members of our choir to ask how they feel about it, but I have overheard at least one other white member say something like “our singing this piece isn’t promoting tolerance.” I wasn’t in a position to ask her more about how she felt at the time, but now I’d like to.

      For those who have commented that it’s similar to singing Christian religious lyrics when you don’t believe in that religion, I don’t think it’s a parallel situation. The choir is a known secular group; I don’t think anybody coming to hear us sing, say, Mozart’s Requiem believes that we are advocating the Christian view of death. But at this time, when this music has clearly been programmed as a response to the current zeitgeist of identifying and addressing institutionalized racism — to do so by having a lot of very privileged people singing from the perspective of people who were not only underprivileged, but actively oppressed, doesn’t seem right to me. I wish the composer had given us the voices of, say, overseers and wanted posters and background vocals to the soloists, and let the soloists (who, of course, have not experienced slavery themselves, but have surely experienced institutionalized racism more than any of the white choristers) tell the story from the slaves’ perspective.

      That being said, y’all have convinced me that it’s better that a piece like this be done by somebody, even if the wrong choir, than by nobody at all.

  14. Ramona Flowers*

    Hey everyone, I just want to thank you all for your very kind words of comfort and support last week. I’m feeling a little better than I was, and have continued to find sunshine in small things, like hot chocolate with a friend, but then I stop and remember that something disastrous has happened. Not a death, but a disaster. I’m sorry for being cryptic. I’m okay. Upset but okay.

    I’m still struggling with the feeling that life will never be the same again, and trying to take comfort in familiar things, except they keep letting me down. An old favourite necklace snapped. I went for the dinner with a friend that I’d been so upset about rescheduling only to find ‘our’ restaurant where always go had closed down. All trivial in the grand scheme of things, but also contributing to this heightened awareness that things just aren’t as reliable as they might seem.

    Anyway. I wanted to thank you all. Your kind words meant more to me than I can possibly express.

    1. paul*

      Musta missed last week, sorry you’re going through stuff :( Sucks about the restaurant too. Can be an unexpect twinge when something like that happens.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I’m so sorry that even your little comforts keep falling through. I wish I could say something to help. I hope things get better. Even if life really is never the same again, I hope it can still be good someday.

    3. anon24*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this Ramona. I’ve been thinking about you all week and wondering how you’re holding up. I hope this coming week is better for you.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        That’s really kind of you. I’m getting there. Somehow, somehow.

        I’m about to go out and may not get back to pick up further comments, but man I love this community so hard.

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      It’s hard. There are events where it’s really true that life is not the same before and after. But I want you to know that that doesn’t mean the after has to be terrible. In 2014 I was in a bad accident. Seven skull fractures. Traumatic brain injury. I was lucky. A couple of surgeries and a couple months of recovery and I was back in business – but not the same. I function just fine, but my sense of smell and taste are permanently impaired. Some stuff is just missing. And I look different. Not a lot different, but not the same. Three months ago I lost the love of my life. Things will never be the same. But it will be okay. I will be okay. There is more life for me to live, and I’m going to live it the best I know how. One thing I have found to be fairly reliable in a chaotic world is this forum. I’m glad you’re here Ramona. Strength and peace to you.

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          That means a lot fposte. Your compassionate rationality is one of the reasons this community is so valuable to me. I’m glad you’re here too.

    5. buttercup*

      I missed the thread last week, but I’m sending good thoughts and wishes your way. I hope you feel better soon.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      Sorry that you’re still feeling down but I’m glad you’re able to find happiness in small things. That’s a really good place to start as there’s still joy there.

    7. Parenthetically*

      I’ve been thinking about you this week too, Ramona, and I hope things get better for you. Internet stranger hugs or high fives or other comforting gesture of your choice. :)

    8. Cheshire Cat*

      I’m so sorry about the necklace, and the restaurant (as well as the larger issue, of course!) Relatively small things that in better times would be briefly upsetting can take on more importance when life is not going well.

      I’ve noticed this week that, in spite of dealing with your disaster, you have continued to be sympathetic, supportive, and wise in your comments. The event of last week is causing changes in your life, but not to who you are. Is that another thing you can take comfort in?

      Wishing you peace and healing.

    9. Almost Violet Miller*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Ramona. When a life-changing trauma happens, remember it’s okay to feel sad and helpless, cry, be confused and unfocused. It takes time to figure out how things will be going forward. I wish you all the best in finding peace. *Hugs from an Internet stranger.*

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think those moments of remembering are a little worse than the constant nagging thoughts because you end up feeling guilty that you had a period of time (however brief) when you weren’t thinking about what happened. At least that’s how it’s always been for me. And it makes perfect sense that little annoyances seem worse in the wake of something terrible.

      Things will get better. It will take time, but it won’t always be like it is right now.

    11. Merci Dee*

      I missed your post last weekend, and I’m so sorry I didn’t see it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this whole new trajectory for your life; you’re absolutely right that some things divide your life into “before” and “after”, and you can’t get back to the before part no matter how much you wish it. What I do know from reading your comments here is that you’re a very strong, very resilient woman. You’ve described dealing with some health issues that I can’t even begin to identify with, but you’ve approached your challenges with grace and determination. I know that you will face this episode in the same way. Take your time to feel things out as you move along this new road, and remember that you have a ton of strangers on the internet rooting for you! It’s an honor to be able to offer a few words of encouragement to an exceptional lady who takes the time to comfort and advise others with such heart and thoughtfulness. You’re a treasure, Ramona.

      P.S. I noted that a commenter last week had upset you by saying that parents were rolling their eyes at you when you called your cat your baby. I have 2 kids. My daughter is 13, has my ex’s brown eyes and my sense of wit and humor. My son is 7, has gray fur, 4 silent paws, and loves to perch on top of the fridge when there’s lots of thunder. I regularly name my cat as my son, and my daughter talks about her little fuzzy brother (or bubby, as she nicknamed him).

      The fact that you call a pet your baby says only that you’re open to love where you find it. The fact that some would denigrate you for calling a pet your baby says that their hearts and their minds are closed to everything and everyone around them. Believe me when I tell you this says much, much more about them than about you. :)

    12. Not So NewReader*

      You are probably right. Life never will be the same again. As Alpha Bravo points out that does not mean it will automatically be bad. Good things, even beautiful things will come your way. Expect them, look for them.
      While these life events cause permanent change in our lives, these events can also change us. The change comes in what we value, what we place a priority on. These shifts are good shifts, it means that we are learning/thinking/growing. It’s okay to allow the event to shape your thinking and even allow it to put a new direction on your life. We are supposed to be moved into action by the disturbing things we see around us. (Good action, of course, not negative action.)

      In 2004 I attended a picnic with 11 of my closest family members. By 2009 all of them, including my dog had died. Five years. Life comes at us fast, eh? I can tell you that there are wide areas of my life that are better than they have ever been. If anyone told me I would find things to be happy about, I would have thought they were clueless people. Life is not always cruel. And sometimes life can be kind beyond measure.

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          Not So NewReader is another commenter I treasure. The experiences she has shared here and her practical empathy have helped me immensely.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Thanks, guys. You will see this if you don’t already, so it’s not a secret. Part of our own healing is helping others with their healing/reweaving. We each pay forward what others have given us. The funny/odd thing is…. it’s not a heavy obligation but rather it’s a privilege. I am in awe of this process.

    14. MilkMoon (UK)*

      Aw Ramona. My grandmother always said bad things come in threes, so with the necklace and the restaurant out of the way, that bit’s done.

    16. Grace Carrow*

      Ramona, you are taking such good care of yourself. I am in awe of your ability to keep on keeping on. And you do it so courageously and gracefully. And despite what is going on in your life you still participate so wisely and compassionately in other people’s issues. I always look out for your take on those situations. I respect your insights.

      I know that the after effects of a disaster may not disappear quickly and I hope that you will feel able to get support here for as long as you need it. We truly don’t need the details of your disaster; the after effects of a life changing incident are depressingly universal.

      I hope that you can continue to find joy in those small moments of your life that bring you pleasure. I admire your resilience and your self care. I wish you well.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

        Thank you everyone and sorry I haven’t replied individually to all.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      *HUG*
      I was thinking about this yesterday after dharma group–I think it’s the adjustment to change that’s so hard for human beings. And even when we know intellectually that life is change, when we encounter it, especially unexpectedly, we struggle. I wish I were there and we could go out and do something peaceful and refreshing. Please keep us up to date with how you’re doing.

  15. paul*

    If anyone rememebers my talking about my grandpa…he’s still in hospice, and waking up for about an hour or so a day to drink a little water, then he goes back to sleep/passes out (I’m not sure which it is). Least we’re keeping him doped to the gills so it isn’t painful. We’re kind of planning a memorial for March-ish (surely this’ll be done by then?) in Cloudcroft. May wind up trying to hike the Crest Trail in Lincoln Nat’l forest while I’m there.

    I’m going over to my friend’s house today to help them pack up their heavy stuff for the move to Albuquerque. Gonna be bittersweet.

    Got all sorts of meds; apparently pneumonia. I’d been feeling off since our trip to visit grandpa and it finally came to a head after coughing hard enough to pull a rib and throw up. Lots of shots, some breathing treatment…finally starting to feel better!

    Been an eventful few weeks.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I’m sorry you’re sick and that your family is going through this.
      I’ve done the hospice process twice now, with my mom and my aunt. It sucks, there’s no other word. I hope y’all all have good support and as easy a time as possible.

  16. CharlyLarly*

    Need some advice on a sharp-tongued SIL. She makes nasty, hateful comments at the strangest, most inappropriate times. It always catches me off guard, and I have no idea how to respond in the moment.
    Example:
    SIL #2: I love Product X for my baby registry!
    Me: I’ve heard such good things about that! Have you also heard of Product Y?
    It does the same thing, has extra features, and is less expensive, if you want to check that out too!
    SIL(in an angry voice): Do you understand that being a parent means you make decisions for your child, and opinions of others are meaningless? Consider that before putting down her ideas.
    Me: …?!?!
    Other SIL. and I were in complete shock, as our conversation had been upbeat and sisterly to that point! I gave her a disgusted look, and pregnant SIL and I left the room.

    I could literally list dozens of examples here, and I’ve only known her a few years. No one in the family (except my husband and me)will cross her for fear of her blowing up. She is also a chronic liar when it comes to her achievements, job, etc.
    How would you handle this? Any firmly worded or zingy comebacks would be appreciated.

    1. paul*

      I don’t do zingy comebacks on the regular (I think of things 2-3 days later most of the time) but I’m all for just telling her she’s being rude and excluding her from the conversation (tell her to leave your house if you’re at your place, move rooms if you’re at a third parties place, leave her house if that’s where you are, etc).

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Comebacks probably aren’t the way to go. I think the advice above about considering what you want from the conversation might apply here too. You’re not going to change her, so what can you realistically achieve that would feel okay to you?

      How about something like:
      I can’t continue this conversation.
      This isn’t okay with me so I’m going to end the conversation.
      I’m not able to listen to you while you’re speaking to me in this way.

      The focus on what you will do is deliberate, rather than asking her to do or not do x.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed.
        You can also try:

        That wasn’t where I was going with that.
        OR
        Not sure how you got that out of what I said.
        OR
        I was just trying to chat with you.
        OR
        I was not trying to offend you or cause upset.

        I remember with one person I said, “Oh, sounds like you are having a bad day. I will come back on a different day.” I left. It was an hour ride each way to see this person, so the fact that I left so fast was noteworthy.

    3. CatCat*

      Saying nothing and walking away seems like a solid response to me.

      I wouldn’t focus on being “zingy” if you do want some scripts for the future. I think trying to get zingers in is just going to egg her on. You can call it out by just flatly saying what it is and moving on.

      “Wow, that was rude. Don’t talk to me in that tone again. Anyway, as I was saying about Product Y…”

      And if she’s going to then push it, I’d go back to walking away, but you can call it out with a sort of icy dispassion. “Wow, since you’re still being rude, I’m going to exit this conversation. Excuse me.”

      You can practice on your own so you’re more ready when she does something like this.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Yeah, I think just saying “Wow, that was rude/a weird reaction/unnecessary,” and then dropping her from your attention and returning to the conversation is the best approach. You make the point, for her and for you and everyone listening, that she’s the one making this weird, and then you refuse to engage or reward it.

    5. Temperance*

      I’m not big on walking on eggshells, so I would probably just honestly pretend not to hear her or call her out on her shit, whichever seemed better in the moment. People like her thrive on drama and one-upmanship. Not giving in is awesome and will both let you rise above and will grate on her.

      I hope that this beast doesn’t have any children, because she sounds awful.

      1. neverjaunty*

        This. Don’t engage. Don’t ask her opinion. When she says something just make listening noises and then go talk to someone else.

      2. CharlyLarly*

        She has two! The worst part is that she typically uses terrible language in her verbal assaults, and does it right in front of her children. As in, telling her husband to “F*** off, and quit being such an inconsiderate a**hole” if he doesn’t jump up to get her a drink when she says she’s thirsty. The list goes on and on. She abuses my in-laws willingness to babysit, and is always asking them to pay for big ticket items- private school tuition and uniforms (!!!), new lawn mower, etc.

        1. Former Employee*

          Was she always like this? It really sounds like she is suffering from some undiagnosed condition, whether physical or mental.

            1. CharlyLarly*

              Gold digger, she’s an ass. It’s really the nicest way to describe her behavior/attitude.

          2. CharlyLarly*

            For as long as I’ve known her. She has a ridiculously severe case of Middle Child Syndrome, but I strongly suspect other (un?)diagnosed issues as well.

    6. Helpful*

      Wow.

      If it’s regular and your other SIL is similarly shocked, I might be inclined to give a beat, say “wow” totally deadpan, and then continue the convo with your nice SIL.

      If she’s looking for a reaction, she won’t get one. Keep us posted on this.

    7. AJ*

      Turn it around on her and question her behavior. “Wow. You sound really angry about this. Is there a reason you are so upset? We were just having a discussion about baby clothes. Why are you so angry?” Or “how can we help you to feel better and stop being so angry?”

    8. fposte*

      Agreeing with others–“zingy” is about getting you self-satisfaction but it makes things worse. I like the “Wow” and go back to conversation, or the gentle inquiry about why she’s so upset.

    9. Kuododi*

      I have the same situation on steroids… I have mentioned in the past that she has an Alzheimer’s-type dementia secondary to traumatic brain injury. Needless to say her tendency towards snarky, argumentative and passive aggressive has just magnified since her social filters are off. What I quickly learned is there is no zingy comeback to take the wind out of the sails of a person like that. The only thing that saves mental health and overall wellness is just to quickly extricate yourself from the conversation…..either verbally or just walk away. Good luck… y’all are in my thoughts.

      1. Kuododi*

        Oh brother…. forgot to specify who I was talking about!!!! I was referring to my mother…that might have been helpful information!!! Brain cramp….

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, there really is not fixing that type of anger. But in the end it’s their anger that eats them and takes their lives. Having watched this process a few times now, I feel more free to say, “You can have your anger or you can have your life. But you can only have one. Which one do you want.”

    10. DMLT*

      I have a family member like that, and I generally use one of three things:

      1. Flat out say “wow, sounds like you need a break from this conversation” and then ignore her.
      2. Be overly kind “Goodness! What happened to you today that has you in such a foul mood? Can I get you some chocolate or something?”
      3. Exactly as you did. Walk away without saying anything.

      I wish I could say that any of these has improved things, but really, that’s on her and not something you can control. Best you can do is draw a boundary that you are not ok with being treated like that.

    11. Lissa*

      I think I would look at her in shock and say something like “Dude, where did that come from?” Not zingy or snarky, just calling her out on how rude it is. “Whoa, that’s pretty out of line” or something like that maybe. Does she do this to everybody?

    12. Drama Llama*

      This is her personality and she probably won’t ever change.

      I don’t bother engaging with people like this. Just say “Wow.” Then walk off. You don’t need to get in a debate with her about whether or not her words were appropriate. You don’t create further fights with her. It simply sends a message she is a jerk and you don’t want to continue talking.

      1. Snark*

        Came here to say this. Blink, look taken aback, then: “Wow.” “Whoa, that escalated quickly.” “Yikes. That was sharp.” “Oof. Way harsh, sis.” “Whoa, where’d that come from?” And then promptly and pointedly walk away, find someone else to engage with. The zingy comeback just gets her back up and starts a debate.

    13. LilySparrow*

      It sounds like she’s reacting to scripts in her head that are louder than the real conversations in the room. Zingers aren’t going to take you anywhere productive, because that sort of thing isn’t even about you. It’s about the person who criticized *her* parenting (or some other thing that made her angry/defensive) in the past, and she’s misdirecting it onto you.

      I think the two of you walking out was fine. The flat “wow” is also good.

      I might even do some reality-checking with the person she’s supposedly “defending.”

      “Wow, SIL2, did you feel like I was criticizing you or interfering in your parenting? Because that’s not what I meant to do. I thought we were bonding and sharing.”

      And then presumably your pregnant SIL would say something like, “No, we’re cool,” or “I appreciated the tip,” or whatever.

      It’s a way of staying centered in the present conversation instead of whatever tape your other SIL is playing in her head.

      1. Lissa*

        Your first sentence is so great! I think this is it exactly. I know a few people who respond to things that weren’t even said, and it’s always a…blink, what…moment. I’ve seen people do it because they are very sensitive about a particular topic, and I’ve seen others do it because they are trying to look for something to argue about, or soapbox about, so they’ll “hear” what you’re saying in a different way.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Heck, I’ve done that when I was in the middle of grief or processing some very stressful situation. But to walk around like that all the time? How awful for the person and everyone around them!

    14. CharlyLarly*

      Thanks so much, guys. I like all of your suggestions, and it helps to have outside input. I **do** think she has a mental condition, because her mood swings are so pronounced. I don’t know if she has been diagnosed, but I do know that she and her sisters argue regularly.

      There is definitely no changing her, but your suggestions are golden, much more mature than “zingers”!

    15. Artemesia*

      I would probably say “I don’t understand why you felt necessary to make a nasty hostile comment when we were just having a conversation about baby products.”

      And I would do it every damn time. But ignoring and walking away may be wiser. People like this get shut out and wonder why.

      1. CharlyLarly*

        I agree. I WANT to call her out, but I swear she makes me so angry I know I’ll say something inappropriate in front of her kids. I like your suggestion, its much better than the awful things I’ve wanted to say to her!

  17. WellRed*

    In December, I realized I had lost my grandmother’s wedding ring (fell right off). This week, it turned up in the laundry room. A small victory but it made my month!

    2. Loopy*

      I’m ridiculously happy for you. My engagement ring is a family heirloom and it makes me crazy worrying it’ll fall off. May we all always eventually find those lost things!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I lost the diamond out of my engagement ring once. It had been resized and apparently that can sometimes be the result.

        My husband found it on the bathroom floor. He has 20/20 vision, but it was on a white tile and I will never know how he saw it!

        1. JHunz*

          Do you know for sure he found it with his eyes? I have definitely found lost things by stepping on them

    6. ECHM*

      Great for you, WellRed!

      I recently wrote a newspaper story about a lady whose husband (then in high school) gave his class ring to his mom for safekeeping while he went out on the lake near his home in 1973; she lost it. He died in January 2017 and just this past fall the ring was returned. Apparently someone who was digging a seawall in the 1980s found it, put it in the cupholder of his truck, and only this past spring did a friend who happened to be driving with him notice it and ask if she could try to find the owner.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        These stories are amazing.

        My friend went to the mall. Returning to his vehicle, he set his wallet down on the bumper to have a free hand to throw his purchases in the back of the vehicle. At the same time an elderly woman passed by and said, “Dang, I parked at the OTHER mall entrance…” He laughed and they chatted briefly. Finally they both went on their way.

        About 9 pm my friend noticed he did not have his wallet. OMG, it’s at the MALL. He waited for daybreak and started driving (the mall is 45 minutes from here). It had snowed lightly and with it being a public area my friend figured the wallet was gone. He got there and looked around. Not only did he find his wallet but he found another wallet. He looked inside the wallet to figure out who owned it. It belonged to the elderly lady he spoke to the previous day. He could not believe his luck. He drove the wallet to her house, a couple towns over. She could not believe he went out of his way to bring it to her. She said she had been up half the night trying to figure out what to do. He drove all the way home in half disbelief/total surprise on how this story went.

    7. Kuododi*

      Oh that’s great!!! DH and I used my late grandmother’s wedding ring for our ceremony…(over 100 year’s old)…. I would be absolutely sick if that were lost or stolen!!!! Best wishes!!!

  18. AnnaleighUK*

    Got totally drenched on our usual Saturday morning bike ride because rain and I fell off as well because some parent couldn’t control her child and the child stepped onto the road right in front of my bike. I swear I have never hit my brakes so hard – R couldn’t stop in time and rode into the back of me so we both went flying.

    Honestly I’m amazed we didn’t hit the kid. And more amazed that the car that was behind us didn’t hit both of us and the kid. The driver got out to help us and hoo boy, you should have heard her chew out the kid’s mother. Who, incidentally, didn’t care and said we should have been paying more attention to where we were riding.

    Lady, you’re the one who let your child RUN into the road. A fairly busy road at that (ok not at 8am on a Saturday but still) so y’know, keep your child under control. I was aware of the kid running along the pavement but literally didn’t think it would run out about two feet in front of me. We were going pretty fast too so it could have been a nasty accident. Ugh.

    We’re fine, not too scraped up but I’m going to have to respray my bike frame. R and his bike landed on me so literally no damage to him. We’re ordering in a big dirty pizza and chain-watching Agents of Shield this evening – I think we deserve it!

    1. Pollygrammer*

      That sucks! I hope at least the kid got freaked out enough to have some sense knocked into it. Strangers yelling at/around me scared the poop out of me when I was a kid.

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        I doubt it even had any idea what had happened or what it had done wrong – the mother certainly wasn’t bothered. She was very dismissive and insisted that it was our fault we crashed. Right, because I chose to fall off my bike in front of your child. I bet she would have taken a totally different tone if her precious darling had been hit by either us or the car.

        I have no right to judge how people parent but I am fairly certain that if you’re walking along a main road with your toddler you hold its hand or have it on reins or something, you don’t let it run free. That’s basic common sense to me. I know my mam kept us all under control by various means and there were four of us – if she managed that why couldn’t this mother control one? And what’s more worrying is that she didn’t seem bothered by it breaking away from her! I stress out if my cat is back late from his wandering, I can only imagine what I’d be like if I had a child.

    4. CharlyLarly*

      Yeah…let’s let a toddler run out in the street, and then get upset with the people she causes problems for. Entitled much?!

      Glad you’re ok, and enjoy that pizza!

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        Oh the pizza was great! We definitely needed it.

        I have the mother of all bruises on my right hip this morning and my left shoulder is really stiff – I’m still amazed that we weren’t hurt worse. I’m glad my car is an automatic so I don’t have to worry about changing gears with a sore shoulder until that heals up! Ow…

  19. Sawcebox*

    I saw a few people mentioning Passion Planners in the work open thread. It was my first time hearing about them and I’m intrigued. I’ve done a little googling but I’d be very interested to hear AAM readers’ experiences and expectations with these! (In a non-work way, of course)!

    1. Okay then*

      I was given one as a gift and kind of hated it to be honest- they work amazingly for the people who want to put in the work and time to do it, but if you’re only a little interested/don’t care, it’s too much.

    2. Peggy*

      I had such a negative experience with receiving my passion planner after funding the Kickstarter.

      It was ordered in the fall and shipped in June. I wrote a polite and friendly email to the inventor and said I hoped she’d be offering discounts to those of us whose shipments were affected (there were major delays but I was in one of the first ordering groups but got one of the last shipments). I said that I hadn’t been able to use my planner for 50% of the year and those pages were now useless and she UNLEASHED on me. She wrote me the nastiest response back that I literally threw the planner in the trash when it arrived and pretended I dropped $40 cash somewhere instead of wasting it on the passion planner Kickstarter.

      1. Parenthetically*

        WOWWWWWW. That’s intense. I might have burned the thing and sent her the ashes inside a printed-out copy of her email. Or at least really cherished that image in my mind.

        I funded a Kickstarter that went viral — the guy was hoping to fund 500 units and ended up funding 15,000 or something outrageous — and was thus delayed many, many months beyond the initial expected date of delivery, but the artist, though obviously frazzled and overwhelmed, was kind, straightforward, and communicative throughout what must have been a totally frustrating process. There’s just no excuse for being nasty to the people who enabled your project to move forward!

      3. Former Employee*

        I’ve been using the Franklin planners for many years and had never heard of this one before. Checked it out online and see nothing about it that would make me want to switch, especially after your hideous experience with the inventor.

        She sounds like one of those people who thinks it’s her world and you’re just lucky to be in it! Ugh!

      4. Gene Parmesan*

        I’ve used a different planner called the Productivity Planner and I really liked it. It’s very minimal–the main feature is that you have spaces for up to 5 tasks for the day, with trackers for how many time blocks you work on each. There are weekly planning pages, but no daily hour-by-hour schedule. I like that because I don’t want to re-write my meeting schedule from my Outlook calendar onto the planner, I just want to stay on top of the tasks without high built-in accountability.

    3. Alanna*

      How exactly are they different from normal planners? (I had a quick Google but it just appeared the same as bullet journals or whatever they’re being called these days). Kikki K has had similar items for years, and I’ve never found them terribly appealing. I think they’re only really for people who are really organised to begin with.

      1. LizB*

        They’re not any different from a normal planner — they have built-in spaces and activities for goal-setting and reflection, plus monthly and weekly calendars.

    4. LizB*

      I got my first one this year and I’m liking it a lot! I don’t think it’s really all that different from a lot of other fancy planner systems or from bullet journaling, but for me it’s the right size and layout, and it’s a little less visually kitschy than many other planners, which I like. I’ve been having a lot of fun treating it as a creative project — making different tracker pages in the back, using color-coded pens, learning how to draw little banners and other doodles — in addition to using it as an actual to-do list and planner for both work and personal stuff.

      (After reading Peggy’s comment, though, I may just switch to a regular bullet journal for next year, because that kind of behavior is unacceptable.)

    5. Bad Candidate*

      I haven’t used a Passion Planner, but I do use Erin Condren. Not sure how similar they are though.

      1. TL -*

        I love my Erin Condren! I have a horizontal that I use for getting my sh!t together – it just has appointments, deadlines, trips, ect…and I don’t care if the parts I add are ugly. It is durable and cute to look at, so I like using it a lot.
        And I have a vertical that I use as a scrapbook that is really fun and I do try to make pretty. (I just put down one or two things that happen every day using stickers and fun colors.)

    6. anonagain*

      I tried one for a bit and it didn’t work for me. I think I might’ve liked it more when I was in school or during one of the other periods of my life when I was scheduling my whole day all in once place. (I do my personal planning separately, so hourly formats don’t work well for me.)

      They used to have some pages you could print out to see if you liked the format. If they still have them, I think it’s worth trying for a few weeks. I didn’t feel that the other content in the book was worth the price if the weekly planner didn’t work for you.

    7. RestlessRenegade*

      I haven’t used a Passion Planner, and after Peggy’s comment, I never will. But I do LOVE Plum Paper Planners–they have ultimate customization without you having to purchase pages separately. Monthly spread? Check. Weekly spread? Check. Hours, blank lines, personalized categories? Check. They have extra add-ons too, like budgeting, meal planning, gratitude pages, etc. My favorite thing is that you can start it in any month–perfect for the first year I bought one and I couldn’t decide what to get until March.

    8. Research assistant*

      I love my passion planner sooo much. Just about on my second – you have to care about filling it out. I wrote down literally everything and it helps me track patterns of where I lost time every day (after work if I lay down I stay there for hours..) and is good for reflection. Don’t use it for work, but I use it for my life to plan my studying, cultural events, outings, etc. Can’t recommend it enough.

  20. CatCat*

    How do you know if a comment went into moderation or just disappeared? Is there a way to tell if you have a comment pending?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      If you put in an email address, in the box underneath the username field, you’ll be able to see that a comment is awaiting moderation.

    2. Lcsa99*

      In the past when I’ve had links waiting for moderation I could see it, with a not above saying it was awaiting moderation.

    3. CatCat*

      Okay, thanks! Didn’t realize you could keep track of moderation with an email address. I guess I should put in my email address in the future. I had a comment earlier without any links and I don’t know where it could be. I’ll just hope it got punted into moderation instead of disappearing into the ether.

      1. CAA*

        I think you can just assume its in moderation. Lately I’ve had a few ordinary comments without links that didn’t show up right away, but they all appeared later on.

        False positives happen sometimes with Bayesian filters. If there are a bunch of bad comments that use a couple of words and then you happen to use those same words in an innocent way, your comment is going to moderation. It takes a while for the filter to reset the probability on those words and “figure out” that they’re no longer useful indicators of bad comments.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        If you Ctrl F and search for your username, you can find any comments that are still in moderation.

  21. Language Student*

    I’m going to Copenhagen in November with my girlfriend! Any ideas for places to go? We’re going for a week and can pay about DKK100 per person entry.

    We’ve done: typical tourist stuff. The Little Mermaid, National Museum, Nyhavn, Strøget, The Round Tower, Amalienborg Palace, the Botanical Gardens.
    We plan to do/see: Tivoli (missed it last time), Christmas markets (it seems quite a few were open from early/mid November last year, so hoping the same goes for this year), an outdoor ice rink, Kronborg.
    Considering: Frederiksborg, Roskilde, Fredensborg, Hillerød, Dragor.
    We like: museums, history, traditional food, cafes, theatre, music, walking, cycling, markets, exploring cities.
    Not so keen on: art galleries, tours.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Kathenus*

      If you’re up for a day trip, check out the white cliffs at Mon Klint – it was one of my favorite parts of my trip to Denmark.

    2. Oregonian*

      If you are interested, you can take the train over to Malmö, Sweden from Copenhagen (it’s like 30 minutes, I think? Malmö isn’t the greatest Swedish city, but it’s not a bad place to wander around for a few hours and enjoy a taste of Sweden (assuming you aren’t coming from Sweden already).

      I’d suggest Aarhus as a Danish city to consider visiting.

    3. CAA*

      We liked Roskilde very much. After looking at the Cathedral, walk down the hill and you’ll find the Viking Ship museum. When we were there in the summer they had a Viking festival outside which was really cool. In addition to the typical weaving, cooking, fighting demos, there was a guy making iron. I don’t know what they’ll have in November, and it’s likely to be cold and dreary, but you can check their website and the museum is interesting all by itself.

      If you will have a car, look for the Six Forgotten Giants by Thomas Dambo. You can find the map to them on his website.

      Also, check to see if the Copenhagen card would benefit you. It includes trains to the places you mentioned, various museums and activities, plus entrance to Tivoli, but not the rides.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I really liked Helsingør Castle (spelling? It’s Elsinore in English). Hamlet’s Castle. It’s about 40km from Copenhagen, if I remember correctly.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Malmo IS technically an option, but a better option may be to go through Malmo to the old university town of Lund (one of the top two in Sweden and dates from 1666) which is more walkable and has some gorgeous buildings in the old town. I think there are a few trains that go straight through to Kobenhavn C, otherwise you change in Malmo from the Oresunds to the Swedish/Skane regional trains (the pagtag – and cant be bothered to make the special letter right now).

      Oh – apparently you can take a boat across from Helsingor to Helsingborg on the Swedish side that is only 20 minutes. Helsingborg is north of Lund/Malmo. You could technically make a loop down through there and into southern Skane and across back to Copenhagen, spending the night somewhere in Sweden. The only pain will be having to switch currencies.

    7. EmilyG*

      I was there this past February, and if November is anything like that, I would triple check the opening status and hours of everything before you go. Tivoli was completely closed and it looks like it is closed for part of November. What we found over and over was that there were separate winter hours posted for museums, etc., and that they were wrong or they didn’t stick to them. We took the train all the way up to Helsingor, and the castle was closed that day. Planned the day around one museum being open 10 to noon, and another 9 to 3, and the second one was actually closed after lunch. It’s not that there was nothing to do, but we should have phoned every place to check.

    8. Nana*

      Copenhagen: Harbor tour (if boats are running), The Jewish Museum…small but interesting, with video. Designed by Liebstold (?? – guy who did 9/11 memorial). Roskilde for Summer Palace, Cathedral, Viking Museum.

      1. Laura*

        You MUST go to Louisiana, one of the most beautiful art museums in the world, with an excellent restaurant.

  22. paul*

    I’m trying to go through my wildlife photos and select a few for prints. Trying to decide if I want a collage thing or a few big prints…and what printing service to use.

    I’ve got some good shots of ducks of various species, a nice one of a coot out of water (OMG THOSE FEET), a frost covered bison, a single good shot of pronghorn, several of snakes and lizards and one or two good ones of amphibians…having to narrow all this down!

    2. DMLT*

      I am a hobby photographer and for my work, I generally prefer BIG prints for impact over a collage. I only have one sort of collage and that’s three big canvases in a row: a 24X24, 24X48, 24X24
      Where will you be displaying the photos?
      I do my paper prints through Millers (if you’re not familiar with ROES, you can use MPix.com – their consumer arm)
      My canvases are through CGPro, but they are for professionals only and I was NOT happy with my last order. Blacks were totally clipped and the canvas came unwrapped.

      1. paul*

        just my office and house; pretty things to make me feel nice :) And remember the thrill of tracking them and finding them in a few cases (It took me 4-5 years to get a half decent bobcat photo)

    4. Loopy*

      My sister in law does wildlife photography in S. Africa (she takes an annual trip) and she uses Shutterfly for all her prints she has around her house. I’m not the best judge but I think they are very great quality and she has used them for years.

      I also want to see the bison!

  23. Courtney*

    I need to come up with an actual username that isn’t my name now that I have a job and want to be more anonymous on here. Where did you all get your username idea from?

    1. Turtlewings*

      I love turtles and have a bit of a collection of turtle figurines. One of my favorites is a little plush turtle with fairy wings.

    2. Courtney*

      To add to this…the first couple I thought of were Parks and Rec or Oxford Conma related, both of which I believe are taken. How about Fake Eleanor? Do we have one of those? (The Good Place reference, for those who don’t watch the show.)

    5. nep*

      Mine’s a fraction of a fictional name. (And only in time I saw that it makes me think of Nepal, to which I’ve got zero connection, but which fascinates me.)
      As you can see a lot of people use names from books or television.
      I like the clever names we see on here.

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        Every time I see Nep I think of a character from an old D&D session, who was a brave little halfling bard who once knocked out an orc with his lute. Your name makes me smile!

        (And aye, I’m a tabletop nerd!)

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      Octopus came from me misunderstanding what someone said to me in Spanish once when I first started learning the language. I heard “El pulpo es mío” instead of “La culpa es mío” and I mentioned to my friend how the Spanish seemed to be obssessed with octopus as I’d just learnt their equivalent of fish out of water (octopus in a garage) that morning. It became a long running joke with my friends.

      Foreign comes from the fact that I live in Spain and not the UK (my birth country).

    8. Peggy*

      I toggle between a few regular usernames. I use one for when I talk openly about work and never ever use that username for talking about personal details that could tie me to my other user name. I use another (this one) for talking openly about my life. And in the past I’ve gone totally anon for comments that are very revealing!

    9. Notthemomma*

      A stupid show in the early 90’s. ‘Dinasours’ there was a baby Dino who would say that and my kid took to calling me that. Obscure enough that no one would recognize me, and makes me giggle.

    11. Trixie*

      More than ten years ago, a former coworker gave me the moniker and it just took. Now, it’s pretty much my alter ego.

    12. Kuododi*

      Mine is my DH pet name for me…it will take a bit of explaining as he’s an odd duck and no one would guess the origin of this for love or money. The first part “kuo” is my name in the tribal dialect where.he lived when he was in Peace Corps in West Africa. The second part “Dodi” is Hebrew for “my beloved.

      1. Julianne*

        Where did your husband serve? I was in Namibia in the late aughts, and I know tons of people who did their Peace Corps service in Benin and Togo.

    13. Emily*

      I should probably do the same – not for anonymity, but because I’ve noticed that I’m not the only Emily around here. Sometimes there will even be more than one Emily commenting on the same post! I haven’t felt inspired, though, so I’m following this thread in case it gives me ideas.

    14. Grace Carrow*

      Mine is the heroine of the last book I really enjoyed. She’s a socially awkward scientist in an alternative Oxford, and she reminded me of my time there.

    15. Mimmy*

      My username was given to me by a commenter who used to be very active – Jamie. She had offered to suggest new usernames for people one day. She loves Hello Kitty, and Mimmy is an HK character, and Jamie said I reminded her of this character.

      I used to use variations on my real name, but there were others with the same name; plus, I wanted some anonymity.

    18. Don't Blame Me*

      I’ve used several – book characters and song titles are my usual go-tos. This one is a Taylor Swift song.

    19. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I needed something that didn’t relate to other usernames I use on other forums, so I borrowed something my other half has used on occasion as a signature line. Come on, who doesn’t love Ellis from Die Hard? :)

    21. Life is Good*

      Mine just describes how I feel since I moved on from a very toxic work environment. My new workplace has made a world of difference in my life. Husband comments on my new outlook on life a lot.

    22. Agnodike*

      Agnodike may have been (depending on which accounts you read) the first female physician in Greece. She disguised herself as a man in order to practice medicine, which at the time was a forbidden activity for women. Her practice was mostly women’s health, which was also unusual. I picked her name as a username since I’m both a feminist clinician and a medical history nerd, although I’m not even a fraction as cool as she was.

    23. MissDissplaced*

      When i stared reading/posting on this blog, i was unemployed (displaced worker) for 2 years and struggling. The name was for my own blog about work issues and unemployment, which i’ve since abandoned writing.

    24. Triplestep*

      Mine is a swing dance reference. And thanks for asking – I really like reading the answers others have posted!

    25. Detective Amy Santiago*

      When I first started commenting here, I was using a handle that I use elsewhere on the internet. I decided I should probably be more anonymous and had just binge watched Brooklyn Nine Nine. And I might share a few personality traits with Amy :)

    26. K.*

      Super original – my first initial! Which has gotten confusing around here when other people use it. I THINK I am the original K. but I’m not sure (Alison answered one of my questions in 2012, so I’ve been around a while).

      I post in two other places; in one I use a TV character’s name and in another I use a play on a favorite animal.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        You could be Special K. Friends called my father Special K, as K was his initial. My father was actually flattered because of the loving tone that came with the nickname.

        1. K.*

          I have a friend who calls me Special K. I also used to get Positive K, after the rapper/songwriter (which I think is funny because I’m not really an optimist).

    27. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I came up with this username as a way to debate certain strongly held opinions on a news website without having to worry about holding back because, as far as I can tell, I am the only person in the world with my real name. And since I was going to use it for a bit of crusading for causes in which I believed, I wanted something a little over-the-top hyperbolic, and this is what came to mind.

    29. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Mine comes from some graffiti scratched into the sidewalk at a park where I go walking every once in a while. It always makes me smile when I see it even now, after almost 20 years.

    30. Jean (just Jean)*

      My username met my criteria: simple and easy to remember. The parenthetical gives me the option of adding more zest [e.g., Jean (who is allergic to dust); Jean (who is hopping mad about X, Y, or Z); Jean (who likes ice cream); etc. etc.] without changing my basic ID.

    31. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Here :) Alison uses teapots as fillers for stuff, and somehow I connected it with Beauty and the Beast (Mrs. Potts) and the rest is history.

    32. Nacho*

      High school Spanish class nickname. I’ve used it for pretty much every casual website and game that would allow it for the past 20 years (obviously if I need to be more professional I use something a little different).

    33. BatteryB*

      Battery comes from my given name is the patron saint of artillery which relates to my work with one of the armed services. B is the first letter of my given name.

      1. BatteryB*

        * my given name which is also the name of the patron saint

        Typing is not my forte at this time of night.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          The first thing that came to mind for me is Arthur’s little sister, from the Arthur cartoon based on Arthur’s Teacher Troubles.

    36. Femme d'Afrique*

      Mine is descriptive (although I’m not Francophone), and also reminds me of a famous fashion magazine I used to read in the 80s. ;)

    37. Stormy*

      I always pick something relevant to what’s going on in the moment. This one, I chose during severe weather.

      1. BeautifulVoid*

        I think we’ve had a couple of Commander Shepards around here. And Kalros, of course. :D

        Mine is also video game-related – “beautiful void” is how Douglas Adams described Myst, another one of my favorite games/series.

    40. Fenchurch*

      Mine is from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. It was this or Trillian, but I like my choice. Also she can fly.

  24. Dinosaur*

    Anyone have any tips for making cute, professional braids? Or any products or anything that helps? I had a pixie cut for five years but I’m growing it out now only to discover that I suck at braiding! Part of the problem is that my hair is difficult: it’s thick and curly so every time I go to add more hair to the strands I get big uneven chunks of hair that makes the braid look messier. My hair is also pretty slippery but doesn’t merge new hair into the strands well. Neither of these problems have improved by brushing it beforehand. Any advice?

    1. Courtney*

      No advice, but I can sympathize! My hair isn’t curly, but it’s thick and layered and braids just turn into a ridiculous mess. I’ve given up.

    2. I like French braids*

      My hair is thick and wavy/curly. I like to braid my hair while it’s still damp and use a curl defining cream for control. A little hairspray to finish helps keep frizz controlled around my face. Hair does shrink as it dries so I wouldn’t make my braid too tight.

        1. I like French braids*

          Nothing specific. I would go to YouTube for braiding tutorials. Also, as weird as this may sound, try practicing on a doll or another person. I sort of taught myself how to braid as a kid (before internet, I’m old) with a few pointers from friends and family over the years.

      2. Dinosaur*

        I’ve tried braiding it while it’s still wet but then the internet said I shouldn’t because of breakage so I stopped. I’ll try it again and just make sure I don’t do it too tight. Thanks!

        1. I like French braids*

          That can happen. I use a leave in conditioner every day and haven’t noticed any breakage so far. My hair is also coarse so that could make a difference.

    3. Cheshire Cat*

      My hair is thick and curly as well. I have to braid it when it’s damp or it doesn’t cooperate.

      When I was first learning how to French braid my own hair, I would braid & rebraid it (because it was always messy) several times — until I got tired of it, or until it dried too much, whichever came first. Then I would put it in a ponytail and try again the next day. I think it took me a couple of weeks before I could do it more or less neatly every time.

      1. Dinosaur*

        Good to know that it’s okay to do it when the hair is damp! The internet freaked me out with all the talk of breakage from braiding hair wet so I’ll definitely try that again. I love the idea of braiding and rebraiding until you just get sick of it, then trying again the next day. Thanks for your tips!

        1. Cheshire Cat*

          I’m not sure if there’s a difference between wet and damp from a breakage standpoint, but for the record I towel-dry my hair and then let it air-dry while I do makeup before braiding it. So it’s not soaking wet.

          Braiding is a skill, and “practice makes perfect” definitely applies here! Best of luck to you. :)

    4. DanaScully*

      Here to sympathise! My hair is *thick* and braids just do not work for me. My friend who is an amazing hair braider even tried and eventually gave up after four attempts. I think you’d need 16 fingers and four thumbs to braid my hair!

    6. HannahS*

      Yes! Honestly, youtube tutorials and a lot of practice. Keep practicing, and it’ll get easier. One thing to keep in mind that short hair is very difficult to braid. I would say the shortest my hair was that I could make a polished looking french braid was probably armpit-length (from the back). If your hair is more shoulder-ish, practice things like braiding the front strands of your hair and clipping them back, or things like that.

  25. Book Lover*

    How often do you start to respond to a comment and then just… not? Sometimes I have a whole answer written out, and then I think there’s no point because someone else has said it, or sometimes I decide it is too identifying, or that it sounds like bragging, or just that someone might take it the wrong way. I am just curious because I would say I post maybe 1/4 comments that I actually write.

    1. anon24*

      A lot of times I see a comment that makes me think of something that happened to me, and so I write a whole response out, reread it, and then realize it’s probably not as relevant as I feel it is, and does anyone really care? So most comments I write I end up deleting, but sometimes it’s nice to type them out anyway and “get it off my chest” even though I just delete them without posting. I have a hard time writing exactly what I’m feeling, and several times I’ve written something along the lines of yes, I agree with A, here’s a story of something similar to happened to me that shows why I agree with A, and then someone responds and goes “you’re so wrong how can you not agree with A? A is clearly the right solution” and I realize I probably wasn’t as clear as I thought I was. So I don’t bother a lot.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Sometimes I don’t say too much when I see a response like that. I figure it is what it is. Some people will find some shred of value and some people will think it’s a garbage answer. Such is life. It’s up to the reader to decide what their own thoughts are.

        Most people who post here are conversational, so that kind of negates the negatives for me.

    4. heckofabecca*

      I so, SO often have a response in my head and I don’t bother responding because I either feel unqualified to give advice or someone’s already said it!

      I had half a response actually typed out for a comment above and just… no, everyone’s already given the same advice!!! No need to hammer it in!

    5. fposte*

      Frequently. I think it’s a good sign–it means that I’m doing some triaging rather than just posting something because I wanted to think it through.

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      This happens frequently to me. I’ll start thinking of a comment only to discover somebody else already posted pretty much the same thing. That’s the only downside to this site – so many eager people willing to contribute! Of course that isn’t really a problem, it simply means I need to make sure I read all the responses before chiming in to see if I have anything new to contribute to the conversation.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        I feel the same way. I want to be able to contribute something new to the conversation, not just repeat the same comment that someone else has made.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Sometimes one person gives a thought that no one else has mentioned. And I happen to think that point is a very strong, good point. If it’s something that struck me also as I read the initial post then I will post that I agree and add something. I like to do that because if there is a sea of comments that stand alone comment might get missed or skated by, especially if it’s brief.

    7. Peggy*

      Raises hand. I read comments on every post (not every comment but always the top ones or the ones that are on very interesting topics) and generally think about commenting at least once a day. I actually post comments a few times a week.

    8. LizB*

      All the time. I also post probably 1/4 of the comments I write. In addition to the reasons you listed, sometimes I’m really tempted to add to an off-topic conversation or make a joke, but I know that’s against the rules, so I type it out and then delete. :)

    9. DanaScully*

      All the time. It’s usually my feelings of inadequacy. Very often I think to myself that nobody cares what I have to say, or what I’m saying is wrong, or I don’t bother because nobody will read it anyway.

      I do try my best to push through these thoughts. Especially on AAM, because there are so many friendly people here.

    10. kas*

      All the time! Most of the time I start to respond to a comment that I agree with or to provide feedback but then I realize, I really don’t have that much to say about the topic so I end up erasing/cancelling my comment.

    11. Blue Eagle*

      Probably submit about 1/3 of the comments I write, so I can totally identify with you. And – – I’m glad you wrote your comment to ask because I used to feel weird about not submitting everything but now I know that other people do the same thing.

    12. Nacho*

      Often enough. Usually it’s because I figure out half way through that my opinion isn’t really necessary. Like there’s a thread a few posts up from yours about a choir singing slavery-related songs written by a white guy, and what exactly could I say as a white man besides “Boo slavery” or some variation of it? At best, my opinion dilutes the opinions of people who actually have important things to say, and at worst, I might say something stupid or offensive in my rush to let everybody know how much I hate something we all agree is evil and should never have happened (how brave of me). So I just stop and delete my post.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Easily 1/4 to 1/3. Additionally there have been times where I spent a chunk of time thinking and typing out an answer and the internet eats it. I don’t bother retyping because I am too pooped from the first edition.

      I do know that I spend less time deleting than I did when I first started. That is because I have a better feel for when I will not make any new insights into a subject. So I don’t even start. Not sure how to explain this. I tend to follow my writing, I don’t lead it. There is a flow, I start, but then the words come on their own. Sometimes I am not sure where the words will land. So I would re-read and then delete. But now I have a little bit better feel for what this is. IRL, I tend to think in pictures not words. This here is good to push me along.

    14. Kuododi*

      I’m a fairly new poster but I do throw my two cents in pretty regularly. I do find sometimes that I will start a post but hold off because I’ll realize there are so many posts on the topic I was getting ready to submit that my contribution would simply be adding to the dog pile! Otherwise I will throw in my opinion and if it helps…great…if not…well I have only given up 30-60sec to formulate the post. No harm done.

    16. Almost Violet Miller*

      This happened to me even with this very question.
      During the week, for work threads, I am usually late and therefore feel like I’d be mostly repeating the advice. I don’t want to do that for professional topics.
      In the open thread I post more because it seems to be a less formal conversation and for these questions I wouldn’t mind getting similar responses myself.
      Also, I usually comment from my phone and editing is really hard so I just abandon many of my comments.

    17. Artemesia*

      The site used to bring you back to your comment when you commented. Now it takes you back to the head of the post and it is hard to find where you left off. I find that has cut both my reading of the site and my commenting. It is just not a very user friendly system anymore, at least for commenters. Maybe this is an attempt to discourage comments or over commenting?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Any chance you have comments collapsed? If so, that will happen — because the reply you left is collapsed so it can’t find it on the page. If you expand all comments site-wide, it will stop happening.

        1. Artemesia*

          Thanks. Didn’t actually realize that was my choice. Suddenly they were just collapsed and when I comment it puts me back at the head. I’ll give that a try.

  26. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    So after much wedding planning and then some (eg. Contacting 16 vendors to book the only vendor free), things are slowly coming together. *knock on wood*.

    Also, I found stuff that relaxes me: kinder egg toys (not candy, just the toy), books, reading online travel and culinary magazines, walking, knitting. And lush bath bubbles.

    Anyone have interesting ways they relax? (Aka is the kinder egg toy thing weird? It’s like a fidget spinner for me…)

    1. Courtney*

      I loveeeee Lush bath bombs. Kinder eggs do not relax me however, because one of my kids’ favorite things is watching YouTube videos of people opening those, and it drives me nuts. But hey, they’re popular videos of opening them relaxes you and you want a way to make some extra income! Haha.

    2. NoMoreMrFixit*

      My go to activity to relax is making tea with loose leaf tea rather than bags. The whole process of measuring out the proper amount and getting the water temperature to the proper point for the type of tea is something I throw myself into and it never fails to clear my mind and make me forget whatever had me stressed out.

      For bigger problems I either dive into a good book, paper or digital, or I fire up my keyboard and pound out some tunes for a while. Bach demands enough of my attention that people can walk up and talk to me and I am oblivious to their existence.

    4. Cheshire Cat*

      Reading and drinking hot chocolate (separately or at the same time) & petting a cat do it for me. Also, coloring books. I just bought one of ancient Egyptian scenes that I am looking forward to starting!

    5. misspiggy*

      There’s a great mobile game called I Love Hue (Android/iOS). You have to organise coloured blocks into areas of graduating tone, if that makes sense. Guaranteed calm for me!

  27. Ramona Flowers*

    I have an iOS/coding/techie question I’m hoping someone can help with.

    For about six years now I’ve had a bookmark in Safari on my iPhone called “⚲ Wish”. Instead of a web address, the URL contains the javascript code for the Amazon universal wishlist bookmarklet. When I select this bookmark, it gives me a pop-up window that lets me add things to my Amazon wishlist.

    Yesterday it stopped working. I’ve tested it repeatedly and it’s no longer competing the operation – things don’t get added to my wishlist. I haven’t done a software update and I can’t find details of a new bookmarklet code on the Amazon site. I’ve googled and found nothing. I don’t belong to a site like stack exchange or have the knowledge to discuss this on there. Can anyone tell me why it’s stopped working and how to fix it?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      PS I am now annoyingly going to vanish and have probably left out really key info to help someone answer. I really just want to know what would stop this kind of thing from working?

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks so much for looking. That’s the exact code I’m using and unfortunately I’ve tried recreating with no joy! Really kind of you though!

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              Cookies aren’t blocked and JavaScript is on. Cache is a good point thanks, I’ll try that!

      2. Someone else*

        I’ve not seen anything for sure to suggest this, but if it did happen recently to you, it’s entirely possible amazon changed their API and no longer support the method you’re using. There would still be plenty of sites as resources saying “do it this way!” who may not yet have caught up that actually, it just doesn’t work that way anymore.

        Sorry, I feel like that’s not a super helpful answer, especially since I can’t source it as what’s actually happening here. But it is a real possibility.

    2. Cheshire Cat*

      Have you recently switched to Private Browse? I prefer to use it, but I’ve found that some sites don’t work well in it.

  28. PlantLady*

    Has anyone been watching the news about the storms/high waves that have been hitting the Oregon Coast the past few days? That’s where we live (not on the beach, thankfully) and I drive past several beach access points on my way to and from work. I am stating for the record that there is a HUGE crop of potential Darwin Award winners out here.

    “Oooh, big waves! Let’s go take a look! I’m sure those massive logs being tossed around won’t come anywhere near us. C’mon, Little Ichabod, grab your baby sister and the dog and let’s see how close we can get!”

    1. Dinosaur*

      Beaches make people stupid. I just hope nothing horrible happens to anyone. I adore the coast, though. I live an hour-ish away from Lincoln City and I really think we have some of the most beautiful, wild beaches in the country.

      1. PlantLady*

        “Beaches Make People Stupid” is awesome!! I’m pretty sure that bumper sticker would sell out around here…at least among the locals. Surely the Coast Guard and emergency services folks would buy them.

    2. Courtney*

      Yes, people too often seem to have no concept of safety. Your description cracked me up! My students were discussing Darwin awards yesterday in reference to this stupid thing going on with Tide pods.

    3. Weirdo who likes looking at maps*

      This may be my fault. I literally was just looking at a map of Oregon earlier this week and wondered, “I wonder if there is good surfing in Oregon.” I even tried to look at a beach on Google’s Street View to get an idea of how big the waves are.

      1. Dinosaur*

        Just make sure you use a good wetsuit! My family has been surfing in Washington for decades now. The PNW doesn’t get great (big) waves but you can still have a lot of fun! Definitely give it a go!

    4. Hellanon*

      The beaches south of San Francisco are seeing 50-60 foot swells – do a youtube search for “Mavericks” and you’ll see the footage. Crazy surf…

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Every year big storms come crashing into the west side of the British Isles between now and April and every year there are photos in the paper of morons out on piers or beaches to see the huge waves. Ok yeah, they are neat to see but why are you risking your lives and those of emergency personnel?! Inevitably someone gets washed away and never found and warnings go out but sure enough, same thing the next year.

      I think its a certain level of being awed by the power of mother nature but also not understanding just how powerful it really is.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I learned the hard way not to turn my back on winter surf in Santa Cruz. I was with a friend on the beach, paddling around in the wet sand below the berm, when he suddenly took off running. I heard something behind me and turned, only to find myself face-to-face with a wall of water. I just closed my eyes, made myself limp, and hoped for the best!

        A rogue wave picked me up and carried me in and dumped me on the sand. When I say carried, that’s exactly what I mean–my feet did not touch the ground. I was REALLY lucky I didn’t break anything. I found out afterward that my friend had a phobia like someone we all know *coughbirdscough* and he freaked out when he saw the wave coming but forgot to warn me. (He did apologize.)

    6. Artemesia*

      Every year some family gets wiped out on an Oregon beach with sneaker waves they aren’t expecting. And there are signs everywhere.

        1. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

          Super late to this post, but that video gave me a damn heart attack! And, of course, all I could think was, “But is the little dog okay?!?!” He was. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive you. ;)

  29. Miss Elaine e*

    Anyone here have any tips about using an instant Pot? Especially a good, easy cookbook with easy to find affordable ingredients?

    1. neverjaunty*

      There are a TON of recipes online – you can cook almost anything just by looking up a food type or ingredient + “Instant Pot”.

      1. Miss Elaine e*

        Thank you. I know there is a lot out there. So much, in fact, that it’s hard for a newbie to know where to start. That’s why I’m seeking recommendations here.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Ah! In that case, I second Snark’s recommendation of Serious Eats (but take into consideration that they seem to like all their meat nearly raw and adjust cooking time a little upward) and of Dad Cooks Dinner. I also like Pressure Cook Recipes.

      2. Snark*

        I’ve gotten burned a few times by amateur recipes – I trust Dad Cooks Dinner, Serious Eats/Food Lab, and Hip Pressure Cooking, because they’re all really good about testing and reliability.

    2. Snark*

      I really like Melissa Clark’s “Dinner in an Instant,” but I generally approach it adapting my own existing recipes using Hip Pressure Cooking’s time tables. And, frankly, I’ve had to experiment a bit, trial and error.

      One lifesaver for me has been buying an elevating steaming rack, so the protein can be cooking down below, and the vegetables can steam above, which generally gets you close in terms of cooking time so you don’t have to depressurize, open, add ingredients, and re-pressurize. I also have just cooked other ingredients separately, then incorporated them cooked at the end.

      1. Snark*

        Also, ALL of Kenji Lopez-Alt’s pressure cooker recipes at Serious Eats are reliable and awesome. I make his chicken green chile stew often.

        1. Quiznakit*

          Oh man, I received an Instant Pot for Christmas and that was my choice for the inaugural recipe. It turned out so well!

        2. CAA*

          His pork chile verde is also amazing. All the liquid comes from the veggies so it’s an unusual recipe for a pressure cooker, but the sauce comes out so flavorful since there’s no added water.

        3. Overeducated*

          I second Melissa Clark’s book but I haven’t found the Serious Eats pressure cooker recipes as reliable. The chicken & chickpea tikka masala was so bad I threw out leftovers, which I almost never do, especially for a meat dish.

          1. Snark*

            Really? I’ve made that a couple of times and thought it was good – what was amiss? I will qualify that by saying that I used my own spice blend.

            1. Overeducated*

              The sauce was too thin, the chicken skin and spinach both wound up slimy, and it only got worse as leftovers. I like all the components of the dish, chicken, and chickpea curries and spinach, but together the textures really didn’t work for me.

              The green chili was much better flavor wise but I still had to simmer for quite a while to thicken. So I feel like the Serious Eats recipes still require adjustment.

    3. Elkay*

      Frugal by Choice Cheap by Necessity loves her Instant Pot, I really like her style and she’s planning to put more Instant Pot recipes on this year.

    5. neverjaunty*

      Also, this is a bit tangential, but I have become one of those people who makes yogurt now. Getting premium milk and using the Instant Pot makes yogurt that’s FAR tastier than even fancy store-bought. Team Yogurt’s directions are great.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I make my own yogurt too! Premium milk is hard to find here unless I make the trek to one of the fancy organic stores, so I just use regular milk, but I grab the freshest jug I can find. It’s tasty and super cost effective!

    6. CAA*

      For cookbooks, check out your library for e-books. One of my happiest discoveries last year was that my library has many cookbooks available on Overdrive.

      I was not a huge fan of Emeril’s pressure cooker book or the America’s Test Kitchen one; but I really like “Dinner in an Instant” by Melissa Clark and the authorized Instant Pot book by Sara Quessenberry and Kate Merker.

      1. A curator*

        I love my Instant Pot and have three cookbooks that I like best. The Melissa Clark and the one by Laurel Randoph are the two I like the best. My reviews are in the link with my name.

    8. Nye*

      I usually use regular recipes, but with cooking times / settings based on roughly equivalent recipes in the Instant Pot recipe book or online. But I mostly use mine for stews, curries, and other very forgiving, pressure cooker-friendly dishes. For sides like rice, polenta, etc, I use basic proportions / settings suggested by the best-looking recipe I can find online or in the Instant Pot book.

      I haven’t tried her stuff yet, but Heidi Swanson has gotten super-into the Instant Pot at her site 101 Cookbooks. Her recipes are mostly very healthy vegetarian, extremely Bay Area CA-type dishes. However, unlike a lot in that genre, hers are really great and very well-tested. I’ve loved most of what I’ve made from her site, and I’m a devoted omnivore with zero patience for bad recipes (especially if they’re bad because someone was trying to make them healthier). So she might be a good resource, too!

      The NY Times, especially Melissa Clark, have started including some Instant Pot recipes, as well, and their stuff is great. (Though mostly I cook their standard recipes w/ a tweak for the Instant Pot).

      1. Artemesia*

        Interesting. I have made lots of NYT recipes in the paper itself and they have mostly been really awful. I had kind of given up on them after their dreadful post Thanksgiving leftover turkey recipe. I will have to look up Clark. So many recipes on line are not properly tested — we need a Julia Child of the Instapot.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          That’s so interesting! I’d say 90% of nyt recipes I’ve tried have been awesome. Melissa Clark and Sam Sifton are my go-to’s.

    9. Artemesia*

      I just got one and am just going on line and trying things. so far haven’t found anything great. The boeuf bourguignon was meh. Next big try will be short ribs. Have made rice and hard boiled eggs but it just seems like a lot of equipment for something so easy to do on the stove. The jury is still out. We used a pressure cooker 35/40 years ago with our young family just to manage cooking things like stews after a day at work for both of us and have used crock pots so I am hoping the instapot will eventually be worth having, but haven’t found fabulous stuff yet.

  30. Anne*

    Is it okay to mark/highlight/annotate religious texts?

    I think this is something that’s carried over from English class in high school, but I tend to make notes on books (that I own obviously, won’t do that to borrowed items) and mark passages I found interesting or would want to go back to. I’m not a religious person at all but I recently got interested the topic and wanted to read some of the texts for myself, but I’m not sure if it’d be disrespectful if I was to write or put post-its in (say) the Bible, regardless of my own beliefs. Any thoughts?

    2. anon24*

      Yes! If it’s yours, you can do as you like. I’ve seen many Bibles and other study/religious books that have so much highlighted, underlined, and written on pages that I can’t see how anyone can actually read it anymore, but that’s how the owner likes it. There’s no disrespect there. I feel like it shows that you are actually thinking about what’s in the book, whether you are writing notes agreeing or disagreeing with what’s written.

    3. Lcsa99*

      When I was much more religious (20+ years ago. Consider myself agnostic now) I was always encouraged to highlight my bible to make it easier to find passages. I don’t think I would make notes on the pages, but plenty of bibles I’ve seen had blank pages at the back for just that purpose. The only thing I would be concerned about is if it had the almost tissue thin pages of some bibles. Highlighting or even underlining in those can make it hard to read or rip the pages.

      1. D.W.*

        Agreed on the weight of the paper. I highlight and write in my Bible. The first one I owned had the wafer thin paper (love the sound it makes when turning pages), but it is horrible when note taking. Ink bled right through and ripped my pages.

        Go crazy with the writing and highlights, just make sure the paper weight can withstand it.

    4. Miss Elaine e*

      If it’s your own, it’s probably fine (at least for a Bible). Maybe have a study copy you can mark up and a clean copy….?
      On a similar note, I’ve
      Ell heard talks from clergy pleading with listeners to treat Bibles with respect: Don’t leave them on the floor, set drinks etc. on them, dog-ear the pages etc. It sounds like your studying, which is good, but be aware that treating Sacred books casually like this can be considered offensive.

    5. fposte*

      I believe that’s a version of faith-based arts and crafts in some circles, in fact. Looks like there are a lot of Pinterest suggestions.

      1. Natalie*

        Thomas Jefferson rather famously cut apart a Bible and repasted it to together with all of the supernatural stuff removed.

    6. Quiznakit*

      Heck, one of the marketing lines for Zebra Mildliners points out that they’re great for highlighting Bible verses.

    7. Temperance*

      I grew up pretty religious, and it was considered totally fine to mark up your bible. It was actually considered a really good thing, since it showed that you are really reading it and making an effort.

    8. Kuododi*

      Speaking as someone with a theology Master’s degree I can safely tell you to relax. All of my Bibles are marked up…all of DH Bibles are marked up….(we met at seminary). All of our seminary friends have marked up Bibles….you see the pattern!!! ;)

    9. OperaArt*

      My pastor’s Bible is filled with notes, highlights, Post-Its…
      I figure if a pastor with a doctorate in theology thinks marking up a Bible is a good thing, it’s OK for you to mark up one. (I can’t answer for other religion’s texts.)

      1. Babs*

        The strict rules apply to the Arabic Quran. If you’re reading an English translation, that’s considered an interpretation and not the actual Quran. So I think OP would be fine annotating their English translation, if that floats their boat. Unless they have a version that includes both English and Arabic.

    11. SAHM*

      My mom has had a bible forever that is literally falling apart now (missing spine covering, pages falling out, etc) that thing is full of her notes, highlights, and all sorts of writing. I think if God calls the bible the “living breathing word of God” than when you write in it, aren’t you interacting with God’s word? Carrying on a conversation with Him? At least that’s how I view it, I’m just adding my piece of the conversation, my questions, what struck me and stuff.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Religious stores sell colored pencils for exactly that reason. Some people pick a color theme and circle or shade that theme where ever it occurs in the bible. For example, someone might pick the color blue and decide to circle all the different names used to refer to God.

      No, this is considered respectful because it is considered studying the book. Even if a person is reading with doubt or disbelief that person is still studying the book. Sincere study is not offensive or disrespectful.

      On a more practical plane, some folks mark up their bibles with the idea that in decades to come their children might be interested in seeing what their parents found to be important or significant to them. So the bible becomes an heirloom because of who marked it up.

    13. LilySparrow*

      I don’t know about other traditions, but “Bible journalling” is a big trend right now. People do artwork on the pages as a meditation on a particular text. You can even get journalling editions that have extra space in the margins for that purpose.
      I don’t do that, but I’ve underlined & made notes in my Bible my whole life.

  31. Miss Elaine e*

    Anyone have any tips for coping with dental appointments? I have an appointment on Monday and I’m the most fearful patient ever. I need a crown replaced and I’m told the decay may go down to the nerve and also the tooth may crack during the procedure!!!!! How bad is a root canal generally?

    1. nep*

      I’ve had several root canals. They were always less unpleasant than I’d expected.
      Have you been going to this dentist for a while? How is she/he? I think much depends on the dentist and assistant.
      I hope your dentist office staff will be kind and accommodating. For me one of the most important parts of their role is to ease the process for people who are particularly fearful.
      I really think in these cases the fear is generally a lot bigger than the reality. You’ll get through it. All the best.

      1. Miss Elaine e*

        Sadly, my previous dentist just retired. This will be my second visit w
        With his replacement who I just met last week. He alluded to several “tricks” he can use to help me but wasn’t specific. The previous one used Novocaine and nitrous oxide but nothing else and sent people elsewhere for things like root canals.

      2. Loopy*

        This may not help you with this appointment, but I had dental phobia (made that term up…don’t know if there’s a real one) that kept me from a dentist for five years. Eventually I found one that catered to anxious patients and they were amazing at putting me at ease. They helped me have good / non-traumatic experiences that went a long way towards a long term solution! It’s worth Googling to see if anyone in your area caters to anxious dental patients!

    2. Dinosaur*

      Will you be provided nitrous/laughing gas? It helps me so, so much. I’ve never had a root canal so I can’t speak to that, but I highly recommend asking for nitrous if dental appointments are hard for you and you’re comfortable with being a bit out of it for 15 minutes or so after the appointment.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Nitrous has different effects on different people, though. The one time they used it on me, I was loopy for hours afterward. It did numb things somewhat, but not enough to make up for how discombobulated I was. (I guess the same is true for any kind of treatment, though.)

    3. PlantLady*

      Personally, I find that root canals are nowhere near as horrible as “they” say they are. And having had crowns done both with and without root canals, I’d much rather have the r.c. done. Once you get past the initial deadening of the area, it’s mostly just normal dental annoyances – fingers in the mouth, weird noises and tugging, etc.

      Also, a lot of times if you let the dental office know up front that you’re anxious about everything, they will go out of their way to help soothe your worries. Dentists know they aren’t anyone’s favorite people to see, and most will do what they can if they know they have a concerned patient. Good luck!

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        Agreed! When I had a root canal a few years back, my dentist told me that the process was much less painful than it used to be. The worst part was keeping my mouth open for two hours or so (there were a few breaks, but still). I had no pain afterwards.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’ve only had one and that was the worst for me. My jaw and neck hurt afterward from holding the position. But it wasn’t excruciating–a little ibuprofen took care of it and the actual procedure didn’t hurt. I’m afraid I wasn’t the best patient, however, since I was so uncomfortable.

    4. Natalie*

      Nitrous oxide is an anxiolytic (anti-anxiety drug) so if they have that available it may help. Alternatively, could you ask them or your gp for a prescription for Valium or something else mild that will help you relax before the procedure? You would need someone to drive you, I think, but it’s worth it if you can get to the appointment without having a panic attack.

      1. Kuododi*

        I had a dentist who would give a one time dose of Valium for his patients who had anxiety and had to have any proceedures more complicated than a routine cleaning and checkup. (Myself included). He wouldn’t give an extended perscription… just the one dose for the procedure itself. I did get a new appreciation for why people become dependent on benzodiazepine. About 1/2 he after I took the pill and was on my way to the dentist office for the proceedures, I felt so relaxed I didn’t care if someone gave me a root canal or took out all my teeth!!!

    5. Hellanon*

      I have a high tolerance for pain but limited patience for fussed at, and I found the (two simultaneous) root canals I have to have more annoying than anything else. You might consider earbuds and an engaging audiobook/podcast/live broadcast of the Ring Cycle, whatever will keep you from listening to the drill… but really, more irksome than painful.

    6. CatCat*

      I’m also a fearful patient. My heart races, my palms sweat, it blows. This, unfortunately, can impact the numbing agent. I now always get the nitrous oxide gas for anything that involves drilling. I had a root canal and had the gas the whole time. Worked perfectly. No problems. If you haven’t had it before, you’re totally aware of going on, but the anxiety goes away. You know, but don’t care, and maybe feel a little floaty. It also wears off really fast once they stop administering it so you can drive yourself home.

      I have to pay out of pocket for the gas (something like $70), but it is so worth it.

      1. Turtlewings*

        “you’re totally aware of going on, but the anxiety goes away. You know, but don’t care, and maybe feel a little floaty.” Excellent description, and much better than what I was told when going in for my wisdom tooth extraction — that it would feel dreamy and floaty *and that I wouldn’t remember it later.* The idea of experiencing something (especially something possibly traumatic) and not remembering it later freaked me out so badly, I fled the exam room and locked myself in the dentist’s bathroom. (Eventually my sister was able to talk me out. It took a while.)

        It took massive amounts of the gas to overcome my level of adrenaline! But guess what? I remember every darn second of the surgery, possibly because I made up my mind that I WAS GONNA. And the actual experience was not bad at all. At one point I decided I was bobbing in the ocean that I could see in a painting on the wall; at another, that glimpsing my own blood was nothing alarming because this was actually a CSI episode and none of it was real. I was perfectly aware that none of that was true, but I chose to believe it anyway because that was more comforting. It was a very relaxed and dream-like state.

        Idk hopefully that’s helpful information.

        1. CatCat*

          Yes! I actually think it makes me a better patient, if that makes sense. I can be a better participant in my care because I am not blocked by anxiety.

    7. Inky*

      I am/was extremely dental phobic – had not been to a dentist in over ten years, panic attacks before and after each appointment, crying at every appointment for about six months, couldn’t actually manage to look my dentist in the face for three appointments.

      Now I still get anxiety about going, but it’s very mild and I sometimes look forward to seeing the dentist and the hygienists. Over the span of about two years I had four teeth removed, five root canals with crowns, five crowns without root canals, and four implants.

      My first suggestion would be to figure out what exactly is making you scared. Is it fear of the cost, or of being judged, or pain, or fear of not knowing what’s going on? Because those would all need to be addressed slightly differently. It sounds like maybe it’s fear of pain and not knowing what’s going on, and for that I suggest:
      looking up information about how a root canal works so that you know what will happen, and while it’s happening you can mentally go ‘oh so now they’re doing this’
      making sure your dentist understand that you are scared and that they are helpful about it, and possibly asking if they can describe what they are doing as they do it
      practice techniques to calm yourself, because the more freaked out you are, the more it will feel like it hurts. just taking deep breaths or asking for a moment can help a lot.
      Check out the dental phobia forums as well; they have a lot of advice on how to deal with different types of fear.

      Personally, out of all the procedures I’ve had done, I much prefer a root canal over everything else! As long as they’ve made sure to get you completely numb (for me they did a block of the whole quadrant of my mouth rather than one tooth), I felt absolutely nothing other than pressure. it’s a long time to hold your mouth open, but my dentist gave me breaks. Compared to getting a tooth pulled or an implant, there was almost zero pain the next day, and I had the relief of knowing that tooth is pretty much done with. Worst comes to worst, they didn’t get quite everything, or the tooth cracks further down the road, and then I get it taken out (no more pain if ti’s gone!) and/or replaced with an implant/bridge. My biggest problem is that I find the injections to numb me incredibly painful – if that’s the case for you, try to make sure you don’t hold your breath as they inject you, instead taking a deep breath right before and slowly letting it out as they are injecting.

      My last tip would be making sure you have a dentist you like and trust, and that has shown willingness to work with you, not just tolerate your fear or even be impatient with it. I went to five other dentists before I settled on the one I am with, and the dentist themselves can make SUCH a difference.

    8. Pollygrammer*

      I’ve had a lot of dental work, and still the most unpleasant memory I have from a dentist is that time the technician overfilled the impression tray and the compound-goo overflowed and tried to go down my throat.

      1. Inky*

        OMG I had a very similar experience with an overfull tray that set off my gag reflex – only I also had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose because I was so stuffed up. So every time I took a breath I’d gag and try to stop it which made my eyes water and my sinuses run and so I could breathe even less. And the technician just kept telling me they’d have to do it again if this one didn’t cone out, so just sat there and watch 15 year old me sobbing and gagging for however long it took (FOREVER).

        I still can’t handle getting impressions at all, and people tend to laugh when I tell them I’d rather have a root canal or a tooth pulled than get an impression.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I broke a tooth once and have to have it extracted–I had to go to an oral surgeon for that because the root was so deep. They gave me a little nitrous and I just sort of sat there and thought about the beach. It didn’t hurt at all, but the tooth was so difficult to remove that at one point, he was scraping and pulling really hard. The reverberations sort of ricocheted around in my head and for one brief moment, I was completely aware of my skull. That was SO WEIRD.

    9. OperaArt*

      Can’t answer as to the anxiety, but I’ve had a couple of root canals. They weren’t that bad, nothing like the horror people seem to have about them. I’ve had fillings that were more annoying to get.

    10. Merci Dee*

      I’ve had two crowns.

      The first involved a root canal, and the procedure took a bit of time to complete. My dentist was very thorough – he could only find three roots on my tooth and knew that was unusual, so he took a couple of quick x-rays to check that he wasn’t missing anything. Thankfully, he found the fourth root for my tooth, did his thing, and got me set up with the temporary crown. I had zero pain from my tooth, but my jaw ached a little for three days from holding my mouth wide-open for three hours.

      The second crown was put on a tooth that had already been filled years ago, and had a corner that sheared off while I was eating popcorn and came down on a hull. That one went so much faster since they didn’t have to remove the pulp, and didn’t hurt afterwards.

      The procedures aren’t bad at all these days. You should definitely let your dentist know about your anxiety, because dentists are aware that so many people have anxiety and phobias about these procedures. Aaaaaand… maybe ask about a jaw block to help keep your mouth open without strain on your part. :)

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Some device to listen to music or podcasts and good headphones can really help you tune things out. Informative is better than funny, unless you can listen without laughing. Oh, and sunglasses, or maybe even a sleep mask. You could also set up some hand signals with your dentist so you can communicate things. And don’t forget you’re the customer. Sure she’s on a schedule but if you need an extra second to collect yourself before you open your mouth once more then take it. I also like to tap my finger on the arm rest when I’m feeling anxious. It will keep you more relaxed than if you grip them.

    12. Lizabeth*

      An iPod loaded with your favorite music or an audio book is your friend…except during the drilling part which comes through no matter what I’ve got playing.

      1. Al Lo*

        My dentist’s office has TVs with Netflix — one on an arm in front of you and one on the ceiling, so whatever direction you’re facing, you can see it — and noise-cancelling headphones. Last time I went, I actually found I had to keep one headphone kind of half off an ear for part of the appointment so I could hear the instructions from the dentist.

    13. KR*

      I need a root canal/crown badly on one of my back teeth so I really appreciate these responses and this question.

    14. Cat*

      When I had my root canal they were able to give me a small Valium prescription, which I’m guessing is pretty typical and something that your dentist might also be able to do for you. Honestly it was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be and I probably would have been just fine without the Valium, although I would still recommend bringing some music to listen to. I experienced no pain at all and I’d compare it to getting a cavity filled but it took a lot longer. My strongest recollection is actually the fact that it kind of smelled like those little wafer cookie bars when they were drilling for some reason.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      A topic near and dear to my heart lately. I am not usually upset by the dentist. But because I need extensive work I am feeling overwhelmed. It’s a number of reasons, the costs, the amount of times I have to go, the feeling like this will never be over, the pain and the worry.

      So here is what I have so far:
      I take a turmeric and pepper supplement to help with pain. I also take large amount of vitamin D and K. I do this routinely, even if I do not have an appointment this week. This is a preemptive measure.
      For this last tooth, the doc had me pop 4 ibuprofen before he even started. I haven’t used OTCs in 25 years but I did this time! The three previous teeth I did not need an OTC.
      I dress warmly because I get cold sitting in the chair for hours. When they offer a blanket I say yes to that also. You can shed these things if you get too warm, but you cannot make them materialize if you do not have them.
      I drink plenty of water in the days before the actually appointment. I get very thirsty, to the point of distraction if I do not do this.
      The dentist I have now is the best one I have ever seen at making sure things are numbed up. He uses a mix of four topicals to numb the injection site. The next thing he does is actually wait for the stuff to kick in. He is the only dentist I have been to who does this. Then he takes a small tool and pokes my tooth, “Can you feel this?” If I feel the slightest thing, I make sure to tell him. My point here is that setting up to do the work is the longest part of the visit.
      I do enjoy headphones. I told the dentist and his assistant, I don’t like hearing them say “whoops”. They laughed and understood all in the same stroke.
      I bring a driver. I don’t want to have to worry about driving home.
      I also bring ice packs and my driver friend insisted on a puke pail plus clean up supplies. I have never needed any of these things. I did want a car blanket.
      The night of the surgery is my worst night. I like to put the appointments on Friday for this reason. If I do not sleep well Friday night I am not faced with a workday the next day so it is not a huge issue. Each time my second night has been ten times easier.
      With this last tooth, I waited a few weeks for it to be less angry with me and then I went to the chiropractor. I had a lot of jaw pain which turned out to be tmj and the chiro knocked the pain out without causing me too much discomfort.
      Last, I like having a treat at home that I can enjoy once it is over. My go to is coconut milk ice cream. But I also have a lot of soups and things that are easy to get into my mouth.

    16. LCL*

      Like my mom says, the most painful part of a root canal is paying for it.

      I always end up with a headache from holding my mouth open, but that happens to me whenever I see the dentist.

      You will be kind of achy after the Novocain wears off. I always get a prescription for codeine, and take it for a day or two. I’ve never had gas for a dental procedure, I keep talking about it but you have to arrange that ahead of time and I never do.

  32. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I just finished my second week of a new Thing we Don’t Discuss on Weekends and I’m proud of myself for consistently getting myself there, but struggling with getting up on time. I’ve actually been pretty good about getting to bed when I need to. I’m just tired all the time. Exercise helps my stress levels but has been making the oversleeping worse.

    I’m proud of exercising this week, and making social plans for today (my friend is going to pick me up to go hiking), and getting back into an open source project I had been away from.

    I mostly am too busy to feel depressed but sometimes when it’s time for me to go somewhere I’ll just mentally shut down for a minute instead, wishing I didn’t have to go.

    How are you?

    1. nep*

      Grateful for my health and ability to exercise — that is a lifesaver.
      I just keep telling myself: ‘Could be worse, could be better, will make it better.’
      Helps this weekend that it’s sunny with milder temps.
      Peace, all.

    2. OfficePrincess*

      I’m making 2018 about focusing on healthy habits (mostly exercise, hydration, regular sleep schedule) and have seen some improvement. But in the last 24-36 hours my anxiety levels have crept back up to the point where I woke up early this morning jittery and with a sense of doom. Focused breathing got me back to sleep, but I canceled my plans for today and am spending it drinking tea, getting through shows on the dvr, and probably going for a walk later. It sucks, but at least now I’m in a good enough place to realize what I need and then do it.

      1. Arjay*

        Those are the things I’ve been working on too, and I was doing ok until I caught this bug that’s been going around. For the past week I’ve just been dragging myself around to do the bare minimum necessary.
        Take care of you. I’m going to try to get back into better habits this week.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’m doing better this week – at least back to baseline. Although, like OfficePrincess, I too should focus on better health habits. It’s something I, and I’m sure many others, struggle with year after year. But looking at my ghastly self in the mirror the other day made me realize that I need to think about making changes. I know it’ll improve my mental and physical health, but it’s hard to do, especially in the winter when you don’t want to set foot in the cold outdoors, even when it is sunny out.

    4. Happy McGee*

      I feel like I’m in a really good spot right now. I broke up with someone no good for me last weekend, and while it really, really sucked, I didn’t realize how much it had been stressing me out having that over my head. Work is going really well- it’s incredibly busy and stressful, but in a good way. I’m able to get to the gym regularly, so I’m feeling fit and healthy and strong. I have two dates coming up this week (first dates with different people). Overall, I’m just feeling great about life!

      1. JaneB*

        Bad – I got a nasty feverish cold two weeks ago, I’m still coughing and waking myself up at night and generally feeling unwell and fed up, I’m not interested in food so I’ve not been eating that well, my sleep is all screwed up and I’m totally stressed about the thing we don’t talk about in this yhread. I feel really really negative about myself – I always get hit badly by this sort of thing. I haven’t been to the drs partly because I think it is just a cold so no point, partly because I expect they’ll just tell me it’s because I’m fat and stressed so what can I expect, and generally I feel horrible & like it’s my own fault for not being “good enough”. UGH

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Reason number 249 why I got into alternative stuff. “Gee, doc, I already know I am a jackass. Thanks for your ‘help’ though.”
          The deep dark secret is that we are all doing something “wrong”. All of us. The actual response to a doc who says these things is, “Perfect patients don’t need your help. They are fine on their own. You are only going to see the broken and imperfect ones.”

        2. Junior Dev*

          I’ve had doctors blame my health problems on “stress” and it always made me so mad, like, how am I supposed to relieve stress when I’m sick??

          I now have a primary care doctor who I like and trust but it took a long time to find her.

        3. Kuododi*

          Oh sweetie… I know how easy it is to get into negative self care patterns when feeling wretched to begin with…. I mentioned in another thread that there are “turkey’s in every henhouse”, so I am painfully aware not all health care professionals are paragons of virtue. Speaking as someone with long term chronic health care problems, if you don’t give them a chance….you will never find out the benefits you can receive. For me, finding a good MD is like finding a good therapist…it’s a process of information gathering, asking questions, knowing what is important to you in meeting your needs and insisting on quality care for yourself because you are worthwhile. I say this as a woman of extravagant body frame who is very pleased with the quality of her health care. My Drs and I acknowledge the reality of my size and we have a proactive managable plan in place but noone jumps down my throat or patronizes me about the issue. (I would not put up with that silliness.). Please take care of yourself and see a Dr about your “crud”. Crossing my fingers that it’s nothing worse!!! You deserve quality health care and all the good stuff life has to bring…best wishes for a speedy recovery.

    5. Tea, please*

      I see this thread and it is a great reminder to check in with myself.
      I’ve had a really rough 6 months and was handling everything really well..until December. My anxiety exploded. Likely partially due to receiving bad news about several close family members, but also I’m realizing more and more that this is just how my brain is wired. I dropped the ball personally and professionally. Since it came on so fast, I didn’t have a chance to activate my support network before there were some significant consequences.
      I’ve had a couple of issues getting support and would love to hear how other would people deal.
      I’m trying to get an appointment with my former psychiatrist, but since it has been several years since I’ve seen him, I have to do an intake call with another dr. I only have about half an hour during business hours that I can speak with this person and keep missing him… so haven’t been a able to get an appointment.
      My therapist retired last year. Since I hadn’t seen her in several years and was doing well, I didn’t find a replacement. So I’m looking again. That’s said, I’m reticent to schedule an appointment because I’d have to take off. My 7mo daughter had an undiagnosed medical issue and we have numerous medical appointments and early intervention sessions. So I’m having a problem letting myself take time for myself.

      A person (who supervises me in the place not mentioned on the weekends) said I seem frozen… and that’s how I feel when trying to figure out how to handle this.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Remember the advice, put your own oxygen mask on first. This happens for a reason, we have to be able to function in order to take care of those dependent on us. Obviously, you are not on an airplane right now so the logic here is less apparent, but still applicable.

        Can you email your old therapist and find out who she is sending people to?
        Do you have a trusted friend or family member who might be able to recommend someone?
        Can you take a the-hell-with-it-day off from work and deal with this and a few other things on that day?
        (I have used this one when things just piled up on me, like you are saying here.)
        Do you want talk time or do you just want medicine? If you just want an old script you used to use, maybe your GP will give you that.

        Sending good wishes your way. I hope things settle soon for you.

    6. dumped (semi regular going anon)*

      My fiance ended things 6 days ago, exactly 6 months before our July wedding. We were together for 2.5 years and engaged for 6 months. Our wedding would have been on our 3rd anniversary. We had lived together for 6 months. We moved into his cousin’s apartment the same day we got engaged. His cousin had gotten a job offer overseas and needed someone to take over his lease. We were looking to move in together so it was perfect for us. My fiance told me he was leaving because he couldn’t handle my OCD and anxiety. I’m on medication and in therapy and he knew but he said he didn’t realize “how bad it was” until we lived together. He said he can’t live like this for the rest of his life. He’s gone. I don’t know where he is living. He has blocked my phone number and email and gone no contact. We had one joint bank account. He left 3/4 of the money in it and the process is done to take his name off of it. The lease expires on Jan. 30 and he paid the penalty before he left, because we were originally going to renew and he decided not to. I have until the end of the month to move out and will probably have to move back in with my parents. He said he wanted everything separated as quickly and cleanly as possible. I’m not doing well. I miss him. I cry often. I know I’m not perfect but I am trying my best. He made it out like I am a monster to live with or something. I’ve never felt suicidal and I don’t know but I hate everything. My family and friends have been nice. I just can’t believe he would spend every cent of his savings and borrow money from family/friends in order to get away from me (the lease, all the wedding vendors and things we had booked so far that he paid to cancel). I hate and love him at the same time. My therapist is on vacation until next week so I’m riding it out until then. My anxiety and OCD have been in overdrive since he left. I haven’t been able to take the ring off. Thank you for listening.

      1. dumped (semi regular going anon)*

        To clarify, I’m *not* suicidal now It should say I’m *not* now, not I know now)

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending hugs if wanted and wishing you comfort and strength.

      5. RestlessRenegade*

        That sounds really scary and hard. Please take care of yourself. I’m sending you jedi-hugs, if you want them.

      6. Almost Violet Miller*

        I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I am sending you some virtual hugs.
        When I was in a similar situation, I let myself cry and feel all the sadness that was in me. It helped. Once the logistics are figured out and you are removed from the place you have the most memories on, things will probably get a little easier. If not, don’t worry either, we all heal in different ways.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      “but sometimes when it’s time for me to go somewhere I’ll just mentally shut down for a minute instead, wishing I didn’t have to go”

      OH MY GOODNESS I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.

      Struggling with: anxiety, in bursts. Also finding it hard to find motivation to do stuff like wash my hair.

      Proud of: going to work and letting it be a lovely distraction. Doing laundry. Functioning.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks. Last week someone pointed out that the fact I’d done laundry was an achievement and that kind of legitimised the idea that I can acknowledge that and not just feel inadequate about all the stuff I haven’t done.

    8. Alpha Bravo*

      This week I got a new roof. I have a very old house with (what was) the original roof. It had to be replaced and the crew was awesome. But for three days I have had a bunch of strangers swarming over my home, tearing my roof apart and making a constant gawdawful noise. The new roof is beautiful! And … I am sooooo glad they are gone.

      Tomorrow I am going to a kind of impromptu memorial for my husband. Some friends are putting it on. He was very beloved, and people wanted time to share their stories of him. A very dear old friend will be driving me, and I hope to spend some time listening to good friends talk about the man I love. I think it will be good.

      So … okay, I think?

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Very okay. You are taking care of your physical needs (roof=safer home) and the needs at your core/soul (memorial with friends). It is good. You will look back on the decisions and be very proud of you.

    9. Almost Violet Miller*

      Well done for making it on time for work and your other achievements of the week!

      I am proud of having been an OK host to a friend of mine from overseas. During the week I hate going out but we did a spa night which was fun. I handled the logistics of my break-up with dignity and didn’t react to an insult that really hurt. I practiced meditation as much as I could. (I will post about my mindfulness course in a few weeks.) I also went on a date that I enjoyed.

      I am struggling with: not going to bed early enough, putting together my application for school, having sad thoughts/crying (aftermath of the BU), SAD, finding motivation at the place we do not discuss on weekends, figuring out how to keep certain people from my formative years in my life without internalizing their drama.

      Good luck to all of you!

    10. Red*

      I’m proud of myself for finally joining a gym and putting an effort into taking care of my body! I’ve historically been really lazy about it, but that’s not ideal at all lol. So, I’ll do what I can. Squeezing time from my week might be like squeezing blood from a stone, but rarely is more than never so that’s fine. It’s amazing what physical activity does for my mental state.

    11. Ramona Flowers*

      I am home alone this eve and I am proud that I cooked myself something (just an omelette, but still). And I am proud that I put my heat pad on in advance and put my PJs in the airing cupboard (we have one of those as we rent a pretty old house) which meant I could put on lovely warm PJs and get into a lovely warm bed. Which feels like good self-care.

  33. heartbroken person*

    I’ve been trying to get over a guy since November, and I’m making very limited progress. (I’m a girl..) I’ve been keeping busy and generally doing fine in life, but I periodically relapse into heartbreak-fueled sadness. Any tips on how to get over a heartbreak??? I’m out of tools for this. Thanks!

    1. Dinosaur*

      I find that treating a breakup/romantic heartbreak the same as you would treat grief can help. When I’ve been heartbroken it usually is because the idea of this romance is now gone and the future won’t look like what I had hoped it would. Keeping busy and connecting with friends really helped me, but the best thing I ever did was set out time to be sad. I would literally schedule a 30 minute chunk every few days to journal about my feelings about the heartbreak. Confining it to those times while still acknowledging my hurt was very beneficial for me. I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time.

    2. Pearl*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have a lot of advice as I am in a similar situation and don’t have a lot of experience, but I wanted to commiserate. It took like a year to start feeling better from my last breakup, and to stop being down on myself about it.

      Overall I tried to give myself permission to be sad and to focus on doing something that had an end goal other than “make new friends/relationships.” I chose a hobby I wanted to get better at and signed up for classes (knitting). It forced me to leave the house and be social, but also gave me an end product and a skill that had nothing to do with whether I was in a relationship or whether I was a “good person,” which my depressed brain had been focusing on in the wake of the breakup.

      Is there something you’re interested in making? Are there places around that teach it? If you don’t have an interest like that, could you pick up some other kind of new skill? I think these things mostly take time, unfortunately, but personally I found that forcing myself to focus on something outside of relationships helped me get through that time.

    3. heartbroken person*

      Thank you for the supportive replies!

      As for developing a new skill, I signed up for dance lessons. I love dance, and could not think of a better way to both develop a skillset and express myself in some way.

      I think I just have to get better at sitting out my emotions. I keep wishing I were better and completely over it, but the truth is I still feel sad from time to time. Journaling does help some.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Allow yourself to feel the feeling. We are supposed to have feelings. Feelings are not the same as actions.
        This exercise is going to sound stupid, please bear with me. When you feel the tears/anger/whatever come up, instead of saying “noooooo, go away!” tell yourself, “yes, I feel sad/angry/whatever”. Just affirm the feeling instead of trying to push it away. And feel what is going on. “Yes, I have a pang in my heart/chest area.” Or, “yes, I have a huge knot in my stomach.”

        Think of it this way, if a friend had a strikingly similar problem you would not tell the friend, “Oh ignore that upset.” Don’t do tell yourself this, either. Tell yourself affirmations such as “Yes, this is sad therefore I feel sad.”

        The subtly here is that you are facing the issue head on by acknowledging its existence. Over time you will break the power/ the hold that the issue has on you. It will not take a long time for this to kick in, you will notice small differences soon.

        2. K.*

          After my first heartbreak, my mother told me “You just have to feel it.” She was completely right. I’ve never forgotten that. Sometimes things just hurt and suck and it’s healthy to acknowledge that.

    4. Thlayli*

      Personally I’ve always found the best way to get over one man is to get under another, but I realise many people don’t feel that way.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        You remind of Dorothy Parker saying that with one more drink? martini? (sources differ) “I’d be under the host.”

    5. CharlyLarly*

      Been there! The best thing for me was to
      1) cut all contact with dude- calls, texts, facebook, etc.
      2) keep yourself busy. excellent time for a new hobby!
      3) allow yourself some grace, and keep pushing through it. it gets easier, I promise!

    6. Almost Violet Miller*

      I am a huge fan of going no contact after a BU. I was dumped in November and we have barely spoken since (only about logistics) and this is great for multiple reasons
      1) breaks the habit of being constantly in touch with them
      2) helps eliminate the need to always talk to someone, that someone being my (former) SO
      3) no anxiety of ‘will he respond?’
      … and many others.

      I can recommend meditation to clear your head from all thoughts, trying to learn something new (try a language maybe), planning something (it can be a trip or reorganizing your living room).
      What can also help (but costs more money): try to replace a few items that remind you of him too much (I wore this shirt the first time we kissed etc.). A new perfume or a different haircut can trick your senses.

      I only have fragments of advice but I am sending you a virtual hug.

    7. Caro*

      I can’t remember the book but it suggested doing a funeral for the relationship. I wrote down the things that I would miss and it really helped, even though this particular relationship was not good.

  34. Kristen*

    Good weekend all,

    I’d like to take a survey and I hope this isn’t to financially personal. The reason for this question is that as my household income has grown, we’re getting closer to thinking about buying our first home. I’m trying to get a sense of what percentage of their take home pay people actually spend on their mortgage (plus property taxes and insurance if included).

    Therefore my questions are:
    Approximately, what percentage of your household’s take home pay is spent on paying your mortgage?
    How many people are in your household?
    What area of the country do you live in? – trying to get a sense of the cost of living, please be as specific or as general as you wish.

    Thank you!

    1. fposte*

      LCOL area. My actual mortgage (as opposed to tax and insurance) is under 10% of my income. Also relevant here, I think, is age and duration–when I bought it 20 years ago, with pretty much the same mortgage, that was more like 25% of my income.

    2. Uncivil Engineer*

      1) 20% of take home pay; 11% of gross pay (not including taxes or insurance)
      2) 1
      3) southern California

      I delayed buying a house until I had a sizeable down payment so I could have lower monthly payments. I ended up putting 30% down.

    3. Courtney*

      Ours is about 30%, which at the much is way too much because daycare for our two kids costs about as much as our mortgage. Fortunately I’ll be graduating in a few months and our income will basically double. Then one kid starts school in September. But right now things are very tight. We’re in the Midwest, Great Lakes area and there’s four of us.

    4. Natalie*

      Midwest, medium COL I think? From a quick bit of google research, we apparently have one of the highest housing costs outside of the coasts, but in my experience there’s still plenty of achievable houses available especially if you’re happy to live in a normal size house in the city rather than a mini mansion 3 suburbs away. YMMV.

      I bought my house just a few years ago as a singleton, and the mortgage was a little over 25% of my takehome. For frame of reference, though, that was only a couple of percentage points more than renting had cost me – I’m in a city where renting is getting more and more expensive but lots of affordable homes for sale are available. It’s also a small house, about 1,000 square feet and 2 bedroom. A three or four bedroom house in the same neighborhood probably would have been 50-100% more expensive. I had a roommate initially and her contribution brought the mortgage down to 20%.

      A couple of years later I’m married and my income has crept up, so when we’re both working it’s more like 10-15% of takehome.

      1. fposte*

        My actual mortgage payment now is lower (not by a lot, but it’s lower) than the rent I paid for a studio apartment in San Francisco in 1986.

      2. Ree*

        In the Kansas City area.
        16% of gross pay, includes:
        -mortgage
        -homeowners insurance
        -HOA
        -property taxes

        This is about $100-$150 less per month than what we were paying for a 2 bed/2 bath apartment(which was $1150 per month).
        We bought well below what we could afford, because we really wanted everything to be less than our rent was but we also know we won’t live in KC for decades and that the home we bought will appreciate well over 2-5 years with the renovations we’ve done and the neighborhood it’s in.

    5. Quiznakit*

      Take a look at table B25106: TENURE BY HOUSING COSTS AS A PERCENTAGE OF HOUSEHOLD INCOME IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS for your area. Link to the US table is in my username for this comment.

      1. Beatrice*

        Hey, FYI, Alison has asked that people not bypass moderation by posting links in their usernames. She’d prefer to have them in the post and have them go into the moderation queue.

    6. Anono-me*

      The general rule of thumb that I have heard is 3x anual salary for your 30 year fixed mortgage.

      What I did that was most helpful was to guesstimate what my future house payment (with taxes, insurance, etc) would be, then subtract my current rent from that and save the difference (plus a few hundred for misc repairs). It helped me save for the down payment and identify what amount of monthly payment I was comfortable with in real life not in theory. (I do this with all big purchases if I can.)

      1. Temperance*

        Whoa … using that formula, I could have bought a way better house than we own right now, lol. Our take-home pay is like $15k less than the purchase price of our home.

        1. LadyKelvin*

          With that rule, and the ridiculous cost of living out here, we would not even be able to buy a piece of property let alone one with any kind of living structure on it. But for reference, we rent and pay ~50% of our combined take home pay on rent, but if we were paying a mortgage on this house it would be even more. I guess this isn’t very helpful since we will never be able to buy a house here but there’s that.

    7. mandalee*

      1) When we first bought our place, percentage of take home pay just for mortgage and taxes alone was 32%, now it’s about 19% after I finished school and took on a higher paying job. Our percentage is lower than most of our friends, because my student loan debt is extremely high (15% of our take home pay each month), so realistically we could afford anywhere from 30-35% of our income if we had to and that’s with saving 10-15% each month.
      2) 2 people in our household, both working
      3) Greater Boston area- western suburbs- we lucked out and bought in 2014 when the market was cooler and now it’s crazy. A similar home (3 bed 2.5 bath townhome with a decent private yard approx 15 miles outside of Boston), would probably be in the 35-40% range if we bought now.

    8. Temperance*

      Booth and I pay $200 more/month for our mortgage, taxes, and insurance than we did for rent. Our mortgage and taxes end up being somewhere around 1/15 of our take-home pay, give or take. We’re fortunate, though, and I think our income is probably a little high.

    9. Elf*

      We just bought a house in the nyc metro area, so we are spending way too much of our income on it, because entering the market at all is so ridiculously priced. For comparison, my cousin bought a somewhat larger and nicer house in Syracuse in the same summer for almost exactly half of what we spent. I think our payment (including property tax, which is sky-high) is between 25% and 30% of gross (rather more of net), but it was more when we bought in August, because my husband got a much better job since. It is definitely a stretch, but we decided to go for it because we have no other debt.

      I know my husband’s aunt and uncle bought a McMansion in the Pittsburgh area a few years ago for about what we spent, with lower property taxes.

    10. Anon because of personal details!*

      My spouse and I live 25 miles outside of Boston.

      We bought our home for 1/3rd of what we were pre-approved for (with our incomes we could’ve afforded $600,000 and we got ours for $214,000, putting down a $45,000 down payment that we’d been saving for years plus every penny of our wedding gifts).

      It is a major fixer upper, in a very nice neighborhood of a city that has had some significant ups and downs. We firmly believe it’s in an upswing and love living here, but it’s definitely a city that some people go “oh you live THERE?” (I’m always like – “yes, and a) I love it, this city is full of history and artists and amazing architecture and good restaurants and b) my house is gigantic and beautiful and cheap so… you can keep your opinions to yourself!”)

      Our mortgage, taxes, and insurance end up being about 20% of our combined take home pay annually or 12% of our gross income.

      Sounds like that would make us rich, but we put additional money into fixing up the home a little at a time, and a lot into retirement. Neither of us made much money in our twenties and early thirties and didn’t save a lot. I didn’t start saving for retirement until I was 30. We’re trying to make up for lost time now by pretending we make a lot less than we do and just funneling money into our retirement, investments, and savings.

      We lucked out finding a great house for dirt cheap. It was disgusting when we bought it – truly gross – and 3 rooms had to be gutted, but the rest of the house just needed a lot of sweat and spackle and paint and industrial cleaning supplies. We will pay off the house in about 20 years instead of 30.

      1. EA*

        Ahh what city do you live in?

        I’m in Cambridge and looking to buy somewhere, and would love to know where is 25 miles outside the city and has great restaurants? Is it Lowell? I’ve seen good houses in Lowell.

        1. Anon because of personal details!*

          yup! We have an amazing house in a great neighborhood of Lowell. :) Cambridge has *better* restaurants, I cannot tell a lie, but we’ve got some really good Vietnamese, Cambodian, vegetarian places, plus a great new Ramen place and an amazing upscale burger restaurant. If you’re considering Lowell, come up on a nice weather weekend and do a National Park Service walk or one of Dick Howe’s walking tours. Check out Uncharted – art gallery that serves pizza, beer, and salad. Go to one of the Mill 5 art markets on Saturday (called A Little Bazaar) or the amazing year round farmer’s markets there on a Sunday, and check out some of the permanent stores in there too like Mill City Cheesemonger. Our current favorite restaurant is Lowell Burger Company right downtown – the burgers are the best I’ve ever had. There’s one called the Jamonit that has a stout syrup, blue cheese, arugula, and a bacon apple onion jam – everything is locally sourced and the owner/chef comes out and talks to every single table, every single day. (We usually veer towards more ethic food choices but those burgers are really awesome.) See a movie at Luna Theater in Mill 5, it’s full of old arm chairs and plays some new indie releases but a lot of old fun movies. Right now they’re doing a Steven King series and showing things like Misery. And check out Western Ave Open Studios – you can walk through all of the artist studios and see them working, some have things for sale but some just hang out and talk to you and show you around. The folk fest also has amazing music and incredible food, that’s in July. And the summer concerts at Boarding House Park are great – we can hear them from our house. (One night I was mowing my lawn and stopped to take a break and I could hear Melissa Etheridge like she was in my backyard – and I live over the river from the park. Not that I’m a huge Melissa Etheridge fan but it is kind of cool to sit in a lawn chair in my yard and listen to shows on a summer night!)

          Lowell is not perfect – there are definitely issues here. But for me and my partner, it’s the place we’re choosing to raise our future kids because we TRULY love it (not JUST because we could afford a better house there than anywhere else). It’s also 20 minutes to each of our parents houses, which helps as they’re getting older and needing more assistance from us.

        2. Triplestep*

          Consider Providence if you are not tied to Boston/Cambridge for work. (Even Providence to Boston is an OK commute if you work in walking distance to South Station. Once you have to figure in a T on top of the commuter rail, forget it.)

    11. Kj*

      HCOL area, about 25% of take home goes to mortgage and saving for long term repairs (husband and I both contribute monthly to the account, from which we pay the mortgage and have some left over to save for major or urgent projects.) It is just the two of us. We are in Seattle-area, which is an INSANE market, but we bought in a less desirable area and bought an older house that needs sweat equity.

      1. periwinkle*

        It’s all relative, isn’t it? We’re also in the Seattle area, but moved here from D.C. so Seattle seems comparatively affordable. We could not have bought a single-family house in a convenient location back there, at least not without paying out a much higher income percentage. A colleague who moved here from SF also marveled at the relative affordability of this area.

        (there needs to be a level beyond HCOL to describe SF… OMGCOL?)

        1. Nearly a Fed*

          Us too! We moved from D.C. to Seattle a year ago and found that there was much better available housing in Seattle in the same price range we were looking at in D.C. Our D.C. budget had us looking at converted condos in those big old homes in the Petworth/Columbia Heights neighborhoods – usually the ground or basement units. We ended up spending $100K less than our max budget in D.C. for a new townhouse in a great location.

          I telework from the Bay Area, so all of my colleagues rent/own in the area. The COL is insane – most of my peers can barely afford to rent a decent one-bedroom, let alone think about buying. It’s one of the reasons I left the area.

          For the person asking, our mortgage payment (including taxes, insurance, etc.) is 25% of our net and 12% of our gross in Seattle. Two-person household.

    12. Merci Dee*

      I live in the southeast (central Alabama), which is a pretty low cost of living area. My mortgage is about 15% of my monthly take-home pay, and that’s pretty much what I was looking for. My household consists of my daughter, my cat, and me. Daughter is 13, so she’ll be heading off to college in 5 years. I wanted a place that was big enough for us right now, but not too big for Mr. Furry Paws and me when she leaves for school. I was able to find a 1050 s.f. place with 3 bedrooms and 1 bath for just under $65k in the same neighborhood we’d been renting in for 9 years.

      I took advantage of some programs for first-time homeowners, so I didn’t have to pay the typical 20% down payment. Granted, I have to pay some mortgage insurance, but it only adds about $10 or so to my monthly payment. I’m fine with that – my total payment is about $430 per month.

        1. Merci Dee*

          Nice! I have some family around Muscle Shoals, and a sister used to live in Owens Crossroads, near Huntsville.

    13. periwinkle*

      HCOL area. We deliberately purchased a house priced well below what we could afford. Our mortgage payment (including taxes and insurance) on a 20-year loan is about 20% of our joint monthly income. Not as nice a house as we could have afforded, but also no stress on making payments or affording other things!

    14. Nacho*

      A little under 50% of my net pay, but I’m saving a good amount of money because I don’t need to own a car thanks to its great location.

      Also in the greater Seattle area, so our home prices are probably a lot higher than yours (I could rent a place with a roommate in a worse neighborhood and it would still cost more than 50% of my net pay)

    15. Someone else*

      The bill is 28% (which includes taxes and insurance which are rolled into the bill), but I usually pay more like 35% because I’m trying to pay it down faster, and it’s not a hardship for me to do so.
      2 people
      Southern California

    16. MCOL singleton*

      I’m single and live in a medium-cost of living East Coast city. The house I bought this year with 20% down has a mortgage+tax+insurance that is 17% of my gross pay and about 30% of my take-home (high-tax area + big 401k contribution results in a big gross/net disparity for me). No car or other debt. I moved here from a very HCOL place so this price felt safe/conservative to me.

      This is the second place I’ve owned and in both cases I spent much less than I was pre-approved for–I think that number is useless because it is calculated by people whose interests aren’t aligned with yours.

    17. Red Reader*

      My answers are gonna be a little dodgy because of my household structure, but I will throw them out there anyway.

      My household consists of four adults: me and my husband and two housemates. Everybody has entirely separate finances, including me and my husband, but everyone pays me (as the sole homeowner) rent and a flat fee monthly that covers food and household goods. If I lived in the house by myself, the mortgage payment (including insurance and all the associated jazz) would be about 20% of my monthly gross pay. However, everyone else’s rent combined covers the mortgage plus about $120/month (and I put the extra toward the mortgage premium), so all I pay out of pocket is the utilities. We’re in the Indianapolis area.

    18. Beatrice*

      Low cost of living, Midwest. Our total mortgage payment, including taxes/insurance, is about 15% of our combined household take-home income. We have three people in our home. We’ve been here 10 years, and when we bought the place, it was probably closer to 25% of income. We deliberately live in a cheaper area than we can afford, because we like the financial flexibility.

    19. Thlayli*

      It’s generally recommended you don’t spend more than a third of your take home pay on accommodation. I spend in and around that. Not in the US.

    20. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Very HCOL area (affluent DC suburb), 3 person household. Our mortgage payment is currently zero, but when we had one, it was just under 22% of our net monthly income. I don’t have the gross income handy, but we have considerably more deductions (including a lot of them pretax) than average.

    21. paul*

      There’s 4 of us, my wife and I both work. Our take home winds up being about 3000-3200/month after taxes and insurance and 401s. The mortgage+escrow and takes is 650; the house is a 1930s era house on a small lot. I’m in small town Texas up in the panhandle. Bought about 2008.

      1. paul*

        4 includes 2 working adults and 2 toddler aged kids FWIW.

        Uh, water’s about 50-60 a month, net+phone winds up being about 90, electric is anything from 100-200 (heats electric and we get some real winter in this part of the state). Gas is pretty consistently 20-30 a month.

    22. Triplestep*

      8% of gross, and that’s a refinance of our 15 year fixed that was almost paid off. We went this route to do a major remodel rather than get a home equity loan or line of credit. Taxes and insurance are not included. There’s just two of us – both earning. The kids are both in higher ed and contribute nothing, but still draw on our incomes, lol! We live in urban New England.

    23. Rookie Manager*

      This has been a facinating thread for me as in the UK many people pay upto 50% of take home pay on housing costs. Some of these numbers are incredibly low to me.

      Being outside the US I’m not sure if this is useful but… like others have said we chose a mortgage much less than our pre-approved rate. Before going to the bank we examined our joint finances carefully and decided the maximum we felt comfortable spending. We were moving from my partners starter home in a ok area in a big city (I gave up my city centre rental flat to move in with him) to a family home in a coastal town within commuting distance to the city.

      At the time of purchase we put down a 40% deposit and borrowed approx 3x our joint income (we could have had more which is horrifing) despite not having a buyer for old house. I think at that point loan + council tax (uk property tax) was approx 30% of take home pay. With 2 mortgages for a short time things were a little hairy.

      A few years down the line, our outstanding loan is double our combined gross income and (because we overpay each month) loan + CT are approx 25% net income. We plan to stop overpaying if/when we have kids to cover maternity pay and childcare fees.

      When we bought we easily had the biggest house of all our friends as we jumped to the end point on the housing ladder. Now a few people are catching up with us (although obvs it is nkt a race etc). Ours is a new build property and the builders had one exactly the same for sale in the big city for £100,000 more. I’m glad we moved to the coast instead.

    24. Melissa*

      My brain can’t really do math at this point, but our HHI is ~$300k gross +/- $15k. Our mortgage payment, which includes real estate taxes and homeowners insurance, is $3600/mo. We pay about $12k/year in property taxes and our house was purchased for $680k (loan was for $545k).

      “Take home” pay is all relative; we max out our 401(k)s, pay for health insurance through our paychecks (ie money comes out for health and various other insurances and FSAs etc before it hits us), so what ends up deposited in our bank isn’t just gross pay minus taxes. We do pay a lot in taxes, though.

      Family of 5, Boston suburbs with top rated public schools (part of the high taxes, also why we are here). 3000sq ft house on an acre.

      1. Melissa*

        I should say that we were preapproved for a $1M house. At that time our HHI was closer to 400k (maybe $380? Bonuses make the numbers a little fluid). But we wanted a house we could afford with kids in daycare, and with a good buffer for un/under employment. When we first bought, DH and I each made about $180k. But I went part time and he got a promotion; now we make ~$230 and ~$80 respectively, but with fewer childcare costs (but more child in general costs since now we have 3).

        In a pinch, we could make our mortgage payments with just one income of $180 (or two incomes adding up to that).

    25. Clever Name*

      I think I’m paying like 40-50% of my take home pay (after taxes and insurance premiums are taken out and after contributing to my 401k) towards my mortgage. I’m recently divorced, and I got the house. I’m paying all my bills just fine, am able to eat out on occasion, and can occasionally get my nails done etc. I also breezed through the refinance process. I feel like I pay more for my mortgage than I’m “supposed to”, but I’m doing fine according to my budget and according to day to day living. If I had bought a house on my own, I would have gotten something much smaller/cheaper.

    26. Harriet M. Welsch*

      L(ish)COL, Midwest. Mortgage, taxes, and insurance account for 18% of last year’s take-home pay (will change this year as I am now a part-owner, no longer on salary). We put 20% down for a 30-year mortgage (I still have student loans). Our household includes two adults and two young children.

    27. Seacoast NH*

      Our house is currently appraised at about $350K, which is median for our town. Relatively HCOL area – about an hour north of Boston, highest COL county in NH. 2000 sqft, nothing updated since the 70s but what little we’ve done DIY, 1 acre semi wooded lot.

      Mortgage, taxes and insurance is about $2,500 per month, so $30K per year. Right now that’s about 30% of gross, which is comfortable. With employment changes over the past 10 years, positive and negative, it’s ranged from 23% to 38% of gross. 23% was awesome, but sadly didn’t last long. 38% was tough, especially in winter with huge oil bills, but fortunately also didn’t last long.

      Good luck!

    28. Student Affairs Professional*

      We pay 16% of our pre-tax income on our mortgage. Household of 2 adults. We live in a small town/rural-ish area about 30 minutes outside a small-to-medium city in Central VA. We specifically bought in this small town because we could afford a house, whereas at the same price point in City, we could only afford a townhome or condo. COL calculator says to move from my town to NYC it would be a 20% higher COL, if that helps (though it breaks down that housing costs in NYC are 55% higher than where I live now, which is a better metric).

  35. Elkay*

    I’ve heard that reading fiction can help improve empathy. Can anyone think of any books that might meet this criteria for someone who doesn’t normally read fiction?

    1. Lily Evans*

      I think that any book where you’re seeing something from the perspective of a character who is unlike you would fit the bill. It’s all about seeing other people’s experiences, things you’d never really thought about before, that help you see people in real life in a more compassionate way. Like for me reading The Kite Runner in high school was really eye opening. As a white girl from a very white US suburb where people from the Middle East were vilified it really helped change my point of view and realize that Middle Eastern people are really just people, not the monsters that the adults around me liked to cast them as.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Oh my god, the Kite Runner. I haven’t been able to re-read because it was just so powerful the first time.

    2. Lady Jay*

      It depends. Do you read nonfiction? What kind do you prefer? That will affect what kind of fiction we recommend. :)

      That said, for “empathy,” I’d suggest Marilynne Robinson and Kazuo Ishiguro, both of whom are excellent at drawing heartwarming, broken characters who are moving towards redemption. Everything Robinson has written is excellent, though I started with Gilead. Lila is her most recent one; Housekeeping is perhaps the darkest. For Ishiguro, I’d recommend starting with Remains of the Day. (Buried Giant is a bit obscure).

        2. Lady Jay*

          A couple additional suggestions, then:

          Cracking India, by Bapsi Sidhwa; a fictionalized account, through a young girl’s eyes, of the rupture between Pakistan and India*

          Middlemarch, George Eliot; a retelling of the trials and romantic entanglements of people in small-town 1800s Britain (Eliot is actually a woman writer who lived a bit of a scandalous life herself; she wrote under the name “George” to disguise her identity and sell books.)

          Eagle of the Ninth, Rosemary Sutcliff; set in Roman Britain and tells the story of the “lost legion,” the 9th legion that marched north and was never seen again. Though her stories are targeted towards young adults, they’re well-plotted and richly characterized.

          *Violence (including sexual violence), obviously; though since the narrator is a young girl who doesn’t understand what’s happening, much of this is either not described graphically or takes place “off screen”

    3. fposte*

      I suspect it’s less a book-by-book thing as an overall practice, and I believe the research differentiated literary fiction–where the emphasis is on the interiority of the character–from popular genre fiction (though obviously this is an arguable distinction).

      That being said, what I would do is focus first on fiction by people not like me–people from other countries, other experiences in my own country, other physical/mental conditions and class conditions. I’d probably prioritize contemporary authors writing about the present day just to get the maximum social bang for the reading buck, but I wouldn’t rule out older or historical fiction, especially if it helped this particular reader stay interested. Just start with a Google for “best contemporary Latinx novels” or “African writers,” etc., and choose a title that crops up on a few lists that appeals. If there’s some significant resistance, I’d pick shorter stuff, at least at first, but I’d also include permission to back out of a book after 100 pages if it’s torture.

      1. Lady Jay*

        This is a good comment too! One worthwhile thing to do (especially if you live in the polarized climate of the US) is read books by non-western authors. Recently a lot of local bookstores have been prominently displaying such books.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        fposte says it brilliantly here. It’s really more of an overall practice because you’re slowly accumulating all of these experiences, whether its fiction or non-fiction.

      3. Elkay*

        Honestly, I feel like that’s a bit much too quickly. The first step feels like being able to empathise with the same race/gender, or am I coming about this wrong?

        1. fposte*

          Well, it’s about what you want to do more than anything else. But for a lot of people, the issue isn’t so much that they can’t imagine that anybody else has feelings but that they imagine everybody shares their own feelings, and that doesn’t really get challenged by reading about people just like you. But if it’s not simple for you to remember that other people are having feelings in the first place, then reading about people who map maybe not so much onto you but onto the kind of people you regularly know might also be a good start. So I would still prioritize difference a little, but rather than reading about somebody on the other side of the world, I would find books where somebody like you has a place, but it’s not the central place, because part of the point of empathy is removing yourself from the center of the world. So if you’ve got an important relationship with a little sister, read a book from the perspective of a little sister; if you’re from a Polish family in Chicago, read about somebody from an Irish family in Chicago. You will almost certainly find plenty of stuff within a good novel that speaks to you directly nonetheless, but it will nudge you to view your life from somebody else’s perspective.

          But I also think that you’ve got to get some reward out of it beyond just the homework element, so it’s reasonable for you to factor that in too.

          1. fposte*

            BTW, I think that there isn’t really a “first step” per se, and that empathy accrues in different ways for different people. Generally, books that get a lot of attention in the mainstream US audience are books that speak to people; the ability to make a narrative do that tends to transcend many demographic differences, which often matter more to who chooses to try to read the book than who actually finds meaning in it.

        2. nep*

          Interesting because when I read your post I didn’t think of ‘other’ at all — another race or class or what have you. What came to mind for me is simply empathy among fellow humans, whether of similar life situations or not.
          This is a lot of good food for thought.

    4. Temperance*

      I wonder if reading nonfiction by people who are different than you / about people who are different than you might help? I’ve been weirdly averse to fiction (except YA) for a while, and have learned so much from nonfiction books.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I feel that the books below are more prone to illiciting obvious empathy although, as fposte says, it’s really an overall practice that improves empathy and tolerance so just pick up any fiction book that takes your fancy and give it a read. However, here’s my list:

      1. The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak
      2. Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi
      3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
      4. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
      5. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
      6. Room by Emma Donoghue
      7. Any Human Heart by William Boyd
      8. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
      9. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
      10. Stoner by John Williams
      11. Moloka’i by Alan Brennert
      12. Woman on the Edge of Time by Madge Piercy
      13. Beloved by Toni Morrison
      14. The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell
      15. Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
      16. Cider with Rosie by Laurie Lee
      17. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
      18. Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng
      19. Atonement by Ian McEwan
      20. Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

      This list is longer than I expected by but no means comprehensive and lacking vital voices of colour. However, I have read all of them and feel that they’re what you’re looking for and if anyone has any extra suggestions, particularly regarding POC writers, please add to it.

      2. Blue_eyes*

        Great list Foreign Octopus! Adding some of my own:

        Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri (short stories)
        The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver (or just about anything else by her)
        War Dances by Sherman Alexie (also, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian)
        Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech (YA, quick read)
        Children of the River by Linda Crew (YA, quick read)
        Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
        Nothing Ever Happens (Nunca pasa nada) by José Ovejero

      3. Former Employee*

        Speaking of Octopus, read “Lily and the Octopus” by Steven Rowley.

        If you haven’t seen the movie (and even if you have), read “Sophie’s Choice” by William Styron.

        Finally, for anyone who hasn’t gotten around to it, “Little Women” by Louisa May Alcott is still wonderful.

    6. Kj*

      “Far From the Tree” is AMAZING. It is about parents and children who are different from each other. Like the deaf kids of hearing parents. Or the tall parents of kids with dwarfism. Or the parents of prodigies. It is lovely and worth reading. I read it again and again.

    7. Incantanto*

      Flowers for Algernon.

      About a mentally disabled man who gets an experimental treatment to raise his IQ, and how he deals with his perception of the world changing because of it. Written in first person, and if the end doesn;t make you cry then you may need serious empathy exercises.
      Its also quite short, so would be ideal for someone who doesn’t read much fiction.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        We were given that short story to read by a substitute teacher one English lesson. I read it 3 times that period and it has always stuck with me. Heartbreaking.

        2. Incantanto*

          You must be a fast reader! the book is about 90 pages.
          Or is there a short story version? If so, the long form book is also amazing.

    8. Cheshire Cat*

      Possibly start with a fiction book about a topic you enjoy reading in nonfiction? If you like reading about historical crime, try a historical mystery; if you like reading about explorers, try a fiction adventure story, etc.

      1. Thlayli*

        Yeah I think the baby steps approach might be better rather than going straight for the tearjerkers.

    9. Nacho*

      That’s a bit of a broad category. Do you want happy stories or sad ones? High adventure or slice of life? Do you want something realistic, or would you prefer something fantastical?

    10. Rookie Manager*

      There are some excellent suggestions of great novels here (the couple I haven’t read I’ll be noting down) and you should keep these lists for future. However I’d go a different route. If you like reading historical fiction why not try a fictional book set during that time perhaps using real people?

      For example, Phillipa Gregory writes facinating novels about key players circa C15th England, ‘The White Princess’ is about Elizabeth of York who was a daughter, niece, wife, mother, grandmother of successive kings of England. She’s written several books each heavily reasearched but from the PoV of one real person. Alternatively, if you like more modern history, Kate Atkinson’s ‘Life after life’ gives several perspectives on the 2nd World War. The Flashman series (George MacDonald Fraser) cover key events in C19th from the PoV of a character who is hard to empathise with, but easy to empathise with those he comes across.

  36. Renee*

    The musical theatre fandom…I’ve only been in it for a few years, and most of it is wonderful, but at times it can be exhausting. Specifically, I mean the arguments over which actor was the ‘best’ in certain roles. I’m happy to read about what people liked about certain performances, but overwhelmingly people use those discussions as a platform to disparage actors who are not their favourite, I just find that so unnecessary.

    It’s especially terrible if such arguments happen on platforms such as Twitter, where the actors themselves are likely to come across them. Sure they’d probably have to get used to it after a while, but so many of them are still young or relatively new to being in the ‘public’ and would likely find such things hurtful. It’s just baffling how something that inspires so much joy could give rise to so much negativity..

    1. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Sounds like it’s not much different from the Opera (and Classical Music) fandom. Everyone is a critic, and some have little to no consideration for last minute changes and cancellations. And the most wealthy often boast about their frequent trips to Europe. It’s one of those cases of “love the show, hate the fandom”.

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        I feign ignorance of who performers are on purpose to avoid the fandom, lol. If I were trying to break into the industry, it would be different but I’m a 30 something theater geek who is connected into community theater and the arts non profit world for the sheer love of performance and how theater can enrich lives. I love hearing the teens I perform with getting enthused about the professional shows they’re going to this seaaon but when the obsession over which touring cast they’re going to see starts, I tune out. Its. Just. Not. That. Important (to me).

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Broadway fandoms can be really strange, especially when the fans are from the NYC area. It’s easy to gain a little bit of access to Broadway stars and that can spiral in weird directions.

    3. Former Employee*

      I am not part of this, though I do love musicals.

      If you haven’t seen it, watch “Showboat” (1936) with Irene Dunne as Magnolia, Allan Jones as Gaylord Ravenal, Helen Morgan as Julie, Paul Robeson as Joe and Hattie McDaniel as Queenie. Possibly one of the best casts ever.

  37. Foreign Octopus*

    Alison, if you enjoy family sagas have you ever read The Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith? It’s just incredible and I really recommend it.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        A Tree Grows in Brooklyn is one of my favourite books of all time, and I’ve read it probably once a year since I was very young. It’s one of those books that has changed drastically since I was young–I used to focus on Francie’s story, but the older I get, the more Katie’s story resonates with me. The story itself doesn’t change, but what I’ve gotten out of it is very, very different. But it’s an amazing book.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I’ve only read it once so far. I bought it last year and just devoured it. It’s definitely one I see myself coming back to.

          If you loved that then you might enjoy Moloka’i by Alan Brennert. It’s a beautiful story spanning an entire life of Rachel who is sent to a leper colony (when those things existed) and it’s just amazing to stay with Rachel as she grows into an old woman, experiencing life on the island and everything that comes with it.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Mine too. I LOVE it and I’ve read it so many times I can quote from it verbatim. I liked Joy in the Morning too, by the same author, but I really didn’t enjoy Maggie-Now. Although it was well written, I found it intensely frustrating from a feminist perspective.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Betty Smith also wrote a book called Joy Comes in the Morning about a young, newly married couple. I’ve read it a couple of times and really enjoyed it.

      I have a first edition of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I used to read it once a year until it really started to fall apart. Now it’s in storage where it belongs, but I think I’ve memorized that book.

  38. Sue*

    At what point does preference become prejudice?

    I know people who say they wouldn’t date people of certain races (in situations where dating apps allow you to filter by race or ethnicity), the reasoning for which usually rests of cultural practices (e.g. how you’re expected to treat the in-laws, gender roles etc.). On one hand it makes sense to be more drawn to the familiar (and the comfortable), but a lot of people would regard that as a prejudiced thing to say. I wonder though whether it’s any better or worse than saying something like you wouldn’t date a vegan because of lifestyle clashes?

    1. Courtney*

      Worse. A lot worse. For a huge variety of reasons. You control your diet, not your race. Assuming that all people of one race have the same culture is very prejudiced. And people who are minorities have faced the kind of racism that would make it mind blowingly ignorant to tell them that people who are vegan understand, because people stereotype them too and judge them for who they are. Because they’re just not the same thing.

      Anyways. As far as what’s prejudice and what’s preference, I think any time you’re assuming all people that belong to a certain group are the same, you’re in dangerous territories. With some exceptions of course. Assuming all vegans don’t consume animal products is fair – I can see how that would be a tough match for someone who is a foodie. But if you rule out vegans because you think they’re all judgmental and shove their beliefs about diet down peoples’ throats, then that’s a problem. Not a racism level problem, but a problem.

    2. buttercup*

      I belong to a minority race/ethnicity, and a lot of people like me would only date within our ethnic group. The reasons are cultural and religious, as well as the importance of shared experiences to some people. I’m not of this opinion, personally, but I think people are well within their rights to choose who they date. It’s a very personal choice. Dating certain races is not equivalent to disenfranchising them.

      I have to admit that I’m more physically attracted to certain races over others, but I still try to keep an open mind.

    3. Natalie*

      the reasoning for which usually rests of cultural practices (e.g. how you’re expected to treat the in-laws, gender roles etc.)

      It’s stereotyping, no matter what way you slice it. Someone being a vegan tells you something definitive about how they live – they don’t eat meat. Knowing that someone is Race X doesn’t actually tell you what they believe about gender roles. For that matter, picking someone from Race Y also doesn’t tell you anything about what they think about gender roles.

      I think many people have preferences for different physical characteristics, which can include skin color or facial features that might be common in this or that ethnicity, and it’s fine to recognize those things. Where it crosses a line in my opinion is when it becomes a rule – “I don’t date Z” versus “I find I tend to be attracted to Y, but that doesn’t mean I won’t date X or Z or Q.”

    4. Temperance*

      I mean, there’s a huge difference between lifestyle and race. I wouldn’t date a teetotaler or religious person, because I like drinking and am very non-religious. I similarly wouldn’t date a strict vegan, because I am seriously not one.

      Someone’s race is not like a lifestyle choice. Sure, depending on circumstances, it might mean there are cultural differences, and those can be objectionable (obvs!), as in your example. That’s something you would find out as you get to know each other, though.

    5. Lissa*

      I think that it’s really different to say “I won’t date someone who has to have dogs, because I am not a dog lover” than “I won’t date a certain race” for the reasons people have illustrated. I think a lot of people do tend to be attracted to some things more than others, and often that is people we have seen be portrayed as attractive, people we’re familiar with etc.

      I think it’s good to have self awareness that if one is only ever attracted to conventionally attractive people of the dominant race, it’s very likely societally influenced and not just a huge coincidence. I also sort of feel like….hmm, not sure how to explain this well. Like, if you/me/random person happen to only ever be attracted to X type, that’s not really a problem to just…have that preference. It’s very probably influenced by culture, but that doesn’t mean you can instantly change it either.

      It becomes a problem, IMO, to publicly state “I could never date someone who is X.” It’s just rude for one thing,and also assumes that just because you haven’t, you couldn’t be ever, and there’s an implication there that’s like. . . . you’re not dating X people for a reason, not just that you haven’t found someone who’s X where there’s compatibility and mutual attraction. (and yes it’s true that there may be underlying social/cultural reasons for why you haven’t found someone who’s X who’s compatible with mutual attraction, but that’s a pretty complex issue too.)

      Having a preference also stands out more when it’s for people who are different from you/not the dominant culture, for instance I have a friend who’s a white woman whose last three boyfriends have been of South Asian descent, and she gets a LOT of comments about it, but nobody is going to notice or care that her sister has only dated white dudes.

    6. New Bee*

      I always find that a weird statement to make, given how different people of the same ethnic group (or even same family) can look.

    7. MCOL singleton*

      I definitely regard it as a prejudice… it seems so by definition, you are deciding before you know them. I once got into a bit of a debate about this with a friend when we were doing online dating profiles together. She wanted to put White as her preference (this was in an awfully white city) and I told her that, FYI, I would never date someone who put that, even though I am white myself. I think she was intepreting it as a preference and I as an exclusion. I asked her if she met [insert the name of a currently popular sexy non-white celeb] and they were (say) a pediatric neurosurgeon and their heir to a large fortune who was really interested in [her hobby]–would she seriously categorically not date them? It’s one thing to have a preference in your head where a lot of people who appeal to you are of the same race, but another thing to just put that right out there in a dating profile, cut and dried. Also, I used to be married to someone of my same race, and boy did we have some issues with regard to family/gender expectations. I don’t know what she put in the end, because I said my piece and left it alone. But I stick to not going out with anyone who states an exclusionary preference.

    8. Not Alison*

      Is it prejudice or is it personal preference? How is it any different than preferring to not date a person of a certain height or weight or physical impairment or facial beauty?

      I don’t have a problem with people choosing to not date whoever they want, just as I should be able to choose to not date whoever I want. The issue should be not whether or not you can preclude whoever you want, but if you are trying to preclude someone else from dating whoever they want (i.e. telling someone YOU shouldn’t date that person because they are of a different race, etc).

      The former is not necessarily prejudice but personal preference, the latter is definitely prejudice.

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t think it’s necessarily something that we need to be able to define out loud to other people. It’s also not something that people have the right to interrogate others about. When you consider that 99.99999% of romantic relationships will become sexual, it’s really gross when, say, someone tries to convince a woman to sleep with someone that she doesn’t want to sleep with. My vagina, my rules. My reasons for rejecting a man are allowed to be stupid. They’re even allowed to be terrible. I’m going to be having sex with my partner, and no one has the right to tell me I should be sleeping with anyone else instead. I just don’t see how it’s a productive conversation to have, since there’s no way to change my mind about who I want to have sex with, and it’s illegal and unethical to try to.

      1. Lissa*

        Yes, it’s opt-in, not opt-out. I think a lot of people don’t take these things to their natural conclusion. So “Everyone deserves love/a partner” and “it’s not fair that some people have a harder time finding someone than others due to uncontrollable reasons” can be true in a wider sense, but when it starts narrowing it’s like “Ok, everyone deserves a partner, so someone needs to date them and (usually) have sex with them” but that person too is a human being who presumably also “deserves” a partner (that they want and are attracted to.)

        Also like 99% of people I “reject” are probably also “rejecting” me and we will never even know about each other’s rejection, because at that point it’s not even rejection, it’s just….not being interested. Some (guys especially) seem to think of a woman’s lack of interest as an active thing she is doing To Him, but for most people there’s going to be only a very small number of people they’re interested in anyway.

        (Sorry that has very little to do with the original topic of the post but just made me think.)

      2. Nacho*

        I think we should at least be able to define it to ourselves though. Like if I didn’t want to date black girls because I considered them not sexually attractive, I should be able to come up with a reason why I don’t find them attractive other than being conditioned by a society that devalues black characteristics.

        And if that’s the only reason why I don’t find them attractive, maybe I should recognize that and give them a try, instead of falling back on what I now know is institutionalized racism to justify my preferences.

    10. Thursday Next*

      This is a really good question. With some groups, there’s an overlap between religion and ethnicity, so if it’s important to be with someone who shares a level of religious practice, it might mean ethnic endogamy. Or for people who want a shared language. For example, I’ve never met anyone non-Indian who speaks my parents’ native language. (FWIW I didn’t marry an Indian.)

      I also think there are people who look for partners with a shared experience. The question of “better” or “worse” seems to me to come from a position of privilege (forgive me if this isn’t the case). I know many POC in the U.S. who only want to partner with POCs because they share certain experiences of being outside the majority. I don’t see that as racist.

      1. Thursday Next*

        But that’s an affirmative “I want to date a partner who shares my faith/language/experience,” not “I would never date X race.” Maybe the negative framing seems intentionally exclusionary?

    11. AcademiaNut*

      It’s a complicated issue.

      We choose romantic partners based on a lot factors that would, in an employment sense, be illegal discrimination, and in a more general social interaction sense by incredibly biased. We filter by age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, culture, social and economic class, education, height, weight, colouring, attractiveness and a whole lot of other stuff. And attraction is a slippery thing – logically telling yourself “I should be attracted to this person” when you are not is a recipe for a disasterous relationship.

      I do think it’s worth some personal reflection about what you’re doing when looking for a partner (or friends) and how prejudices can affect that, particularly if you find yourself regularly complaining about the lack of potential partners. But if someone doesn’t want to date someone of a particular race (or whatever other criteria). I don’t think they should do so out of a sense of fairness. It’s not fair to the other person, for one thing.

      It’s also worth noting that race and culture are related, but not the same thing. And a relationship with someone of a different culture does have pitfalls and difficulties that dating within your own culture does not. Pretending it’s not important is likely to cause serious problems.

      FWIW, my personal level of ickiness for this would be

      – Not wanting to date outside of your own race
      – Filtering by specific races (“I’ll date X but not Y”)
      – specifically looking for a partner of a particular different race.

      In my experience, this is in increasing levels of stereotyping and prejudice, with the last including things like white guys looking for an Asian girlfriend because she’s prettier, skinnier, better groomed and more submissive that white women. And yes, I have seen people say this. More than once.

      Oh, and I’m in a inter-racial, inter-cultural marriage myself.

      1. buttercup*

        I’m a minority, nonwhite person (see comment above), but I honestly don’t think people’s genitals have to be democratic. If white people are only attracted to and want to date other white people, let them. It doesn’t actually take anything from us. It also doesn’t mean that nonwhite people will be left in the dust. Lots of white AND nonwhite people find Black people, Brown people, and Asian people attractive. People find other people attractive/unattractive based on a variety of arbitrary reasons not just based on race – there is body type, hair color, bone structure, etc. It is generally good practice to be open-minded when it comes to dating, but I do think it is important for people to genuinely be sexually attracted to the people they date.

        Plus, like you mentioned, I would rather not interracially date someone who fetishizes my race. It doesn’t help matters.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          It doesn’t actually take anything from us.
          Lots of white AND nonwhite people find Black people, Brown people, and Asian people attractive.

          I don’t think racist people should be forced to date people of other races, but the idea that there isn’t racism, and everything is all cool is also a bit naive.

          Lots of studies have shown that in hetero dating apps, Black women and Asian men get the fewest responses, and that’s not just random chance.

          1. buttercup*

            I truly don’t think dating preferences (or lack of preference, thereof) are always fueled by racism, even if they disfavor traditionally minority races. Of course, some are racist. In this case, the fact that they’re racist, rather than who they’re not dating, is the real issue. I will also indulge the possibility that people are brainwashed by mainstream beauty standards which primarily favor Caucasian features. But just because someone wouldn’t date a Black person doesn’t mean they wouldn’t favor them in other ways; they might still hire them for a job opening if they were qualified, befriend them, or vote against discriminatory policies. It’s just natural to be very choosy when it comes to dating.

        3. Anonymous Educator*

          I would rather not interracially date someone who fetishizes my race. It doesn’t help matters.

          The two options aren’t “This person wants to be with me only because of my race” and “This person wants to not be with me only because of my race.” There are lots of other in-between possibilities.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I’d look at the purpose. If the rationale is hatred, then the answer is straightforward, it’s pure prejudice.

      I do think it is fairly reasonable to look for a life mate who has similar interests, values and goals. Family heritage can teach or ingrain a lot of these things. So while ancestry can set things up, I think for purposes of clarity one should stick with, “I want someone who enjoys fishing like I do” as opposed to “I want someone of X heritage because I know they will enjoy fishing like me.” The truth is we don’t know if a person would enjoy fishing just because of their heritage.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Yep, it’s prejudiced. It’s also pretty dehumanizing to assume that potential dates have no agency of their own.
      I mean, if you are a person who values independence and egalitarian relationships, and doesn’t live by strict conventional gender roles (for example), why on Earth would someone who wants a very traditional relationship date *you*?
      If you are strongly non-religious, why would someone extremely devout who wants a life and marriage that revolve around their faith date you?

      Just say who you are and how you live, and people who want the opposite will self-select out. Or if someone contacts you and you don’t like them, don’t go out.

      Even if you wound up going out once, it’s hardly likely to get very far. You’re not going to accidentally fall into a long-term relationship with someone you don’t like or have anything in common with.

      So what that person is really saying is, “I refuse to socialize with X people, even for a single dinner and conversation.”

      Which is a pretty awful thing to say.

    14. Nacho*

      I think it’s fair to say something like I wouldn’t date an orthodox Muslim for various valid reasons, but not fair to stereotype all Arabs, or even all Muslims, as orthodox. Same with thinking all Asians are traditional, all blacks are ghetto, etc… You can dislike a culture and recognize that that culture is synonymous with a certain race, but it’s bad to just assume all members of that race belong to that culture.

    15. Ramona Flowers*

      I think it’s an awfully big assumption to make that someone will fit a stereotype – that the person has, say, living, non-estranged parents and that they’ll be as assumed and expect you to fit that.

    16. Nye*

      You might be interested in reading Dataclysm, Christian Rudder’s book on the statistics of online dating. It pulls extensively from OkCupid data as well as other sources. Some really fascinating (and dismaying) patterns emerge, particularly in terms of race. Been a while since I’ve read it, but as I recall online dating really sucks for black women, who get far fewer messages / replies than other groups.

      Anyway, it’s pretty interesting to see a more data-driven take, and it definitely highlights that discrimination in online dating is a huge problem.

  39. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I have a question about health insurance and being on a spouse’s plan. I’ve been buying my own insurance through the marketplace since I’m self-employed, but this year they were going to double my costs, so I put myself on my husband’s plan that he gets through work. I assumed it would work just like having my own plan, but I realized yesterday that since he’s the primary policy-holder, they send all my stuff through him — like my insurance card was mailed to him, and I think my explanations of benefits will go to him, rather than me. This feels kind of annoying (especially since he is not reliable about opening his mail), and I’m wondering what else I don’t know about being a dependent on someone else’s plan. People who do this, are there other differences I should be aware of? (It’s still worth the cost savings, but I want to better understand what to expect.)

    1. NJ Anon*

      Do you have your own insurance card? There should be a website and/or “800” number on it where you can ger whatever info you need. Your coverage would be the same as your husbands’.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes, they mailed me my own card — but they mailed it to him, which I how I realized this might be a Thing. I’d been waiting for it to arrive for weeks and finally asked him if it might have been sent to him, and he looked through his large pile of unopened mail, and indeed there it was. (As someone who opens all mail the day it arrives, I do not understand his mail habits.) Last night I set up a joint Gmail account that will forward to us both, and put that address in for the EOBs, so now at least we’ll both get them. But the whole set-up seems odd.

        1. CAA*

          You might want to make some kind of agreement that you can open mail related to health insurance, even if it’s addressed to him. DH and I have such an agreement for financial things, because he does not believe in reading statements and balancing his checkbook, while I believe in knowing whether or not some bad actor has cloned your debit card and drained your account when you weren’t looking.

          You don’t need to worry about getting a 1095-A any more since you’re on a pre-tax plan, but there are other things like your Certificate of Creditable Coverage that you might need at some point in the future.

          1. Nerdgal*

            My DH and I have this agreement for years. I don’t open personal mail unless he asks me to, but insurance and tax stuff is fair game.

          2. Ramona Flowers*

            Yes, as the wife of a slow mail opener, I urge you to open things that look like you might need to see them. Or insist he does.

        2. Dan*

          Oh, I can explain the mail thing. It’s 2018. I get absolutely nothing in the mail that I’m not expecting and *need* to open.

          Things I get:

          1) County tax stuff
          2) New/replacement credit cards (physical cards, not bills)
          3) Car registration

          You know how often that comes?

          Most bills are electronic now, so that doesn’t even matter.

          I can (and do) go a month between checking my mail, and when I check, it’s full of junk and there’s maybe four things I actually open and maybe one that I *need* to do something with.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes, this is how he thinks of it too! But I am pretty sure he does miss important things from time to time so I do not understand it. (Like I just found out his car hadn’t been registered with our new county after we moved, because apparently they sent him a letter asking for info about it and he never opened it and thus never responded, and there is a penalty for that if he doesn’t deal with it in time.) Really, I would like to be in charge of opening all mail that comes to our house, but I’ve learned that my impulses to Take Over are not great for marital harmony.

            1. Earthwalker*

              In employee based insurance, you should get a card in January, and if not, ask for one. If it has his name on it, call the insurance company just in case. (We once had his insurance card with my name on it, and the insurance company insisted that was how it should be.) I don’t recall anything ever changing between open enrollment and the end of the insurance year, but if you’re concerned, the helplines are usually good and many insurance companies have a “myhealthcare” website tailored to your situation. You might check with your husband at insurance card time to see if he has the link and login.

            2. Dan*

              How responsible is he, generally? There’s a difference between not paying bills and paying them late.

              Since Virginia likes to tax cars at the county level… The county sends out an inquiry each year asking if the car is used for business purposes. If it’s just personal, there is no need to respond to that. They’ll send you a bill several months later, which you have a month or so to pay. Even then, the late fee is $10.

              Also, are your finances separate? If so, you have fewer legs to stand on. If they are joint, then you have more standing to push him.

            3. Not So NewReader*

              Ugh on the registration. I am in NY. A friend’s husband did not register the car because of illness and inability to get to DMV or even mail a check. DMV fined the BOTH of them by not allowing them to register a vehicle for six months.

              So now they have no wheels.

              I am an only child, so speaking up is something I have had to watch myself on. But something like this that impacts me or could impact me and my ability to live life, would trigger a “let’s sit down and talk about this” conversation. “Just because you love me does not give you the right to take away my ability to drive in this state.”
              I did have to put my foot down on a few things. We survived and moved on.

            4. Triplestep*

              Are “Take Over Impulses” bad across the board? They’re not great in this household either, but I process all incoming mail, and it works out well. If it’s a hand-written envelope addressed to him, he get it unopened. Otherwise I take, open, toss, recycle, shred or deal with whatever gets mailed here. I’m not even sure how this started! But we’ve both acknowledged by now that it works for us.

            5. Ramona Flowers*

              Whereas I ignore said impulses because dealing with his mail is a level of emotional labour I refuse to take on for him.

              Once, he said oh, that’s just the such-and-such, that can go in the bin. I said, well you know where it is. Yeah. I’m not doing that. (He’s great otherwise!)

        3. Ruffingit*

          I’m the primary on our health insurance, but they mail my husband’s card, EOB, etc directly to him so I think this may be dependent on the insurer. I’d think you could call and request it come to you.

    2. Natalie*

      I think this varies quite a bit. My spouse has always been able to set up his own online access where his EOBs and such are delivered. The pre-lim COBRA notice I just got from my job was addressed to both of us, but in the past I’ve gotten things only addressed to me.

    3. neverjaunty*

      Not to borrow trouble, but have a backup plan in case his company decides to cut costs. OldJob decided at one point to save money by only offering spousal coverage to those who didn’t have it otherwise available.

      2. Natalie*

        In my experience by “not otherwise available” they usually mean not covered by your own employers plan, so I think Alison would be in the clear there.

        1. Beatrice*

          Yes, this is my experience, too. My employer allows spousal coverage in all cases, but if the spouse has available coverage at his/her employer, there’s a surcharge for using my company’s coverage. It doesn’t apply if they’re self-employed but able to get coverage on the open market…just if they have available employer coverage and choose not to use it. I pay the surcharge to have us both covered under my employer’s plan, because it’s still cheaper and better than his company’s coverage (my company’s benefits are awesome in general).

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Out of interest, how do they know who should have the surcharge because they can access it through their own employer – is there a way they actually check?!

            1. Beatrice*

              If you claim a spouse as a dependent and say you’re eligible to cover them under your insurance without a surcharge, they ask for documentation, yes. I have provided documentation in the past that my spouse is unemployed, and that he’s employed by a temp agency and not eligible for benefits until a later date, for example.

              They don’t ask for documentation at open enrollment, though, just when you enroll and make midyear changes. When I did my open enrollment stuff last year, I discovered that I still wasn’t getting charged the surcharge, even though he’s eligible for insurance at his current job. I was able to fix it with my open enrollment selections without opening up a conversation about paying the surcharge retroactively, so that’s what I did.

    4. Menacia*

      I am and have been on hubby’s plan since we got married due to it being better than any other I could get. He is the primary so the cards are sent to him directly, but he’s good about making sure I get my replacement card when he gets them. All details of our plan are available on the plan website to which I have full access. All my appointment and medical results are handled by and go to me. We also have a type of plan where we pay less if we stay compliant with our preventive maintenance check ups (physical, dental, etc.). I receive a letter addressed to me with the list of exams needed for the calendar year, my husband gets his own. My husband does receive the statements for the appointments and treatments for the both of us, they are never addressed to me.

    5. anon24*

      I’m 25 so I’m still legally allowed to be on my parents insurance for a few months yet, and it doesn’t cost them any extra, so even though I’m married and live across the state I go through my dad’s. I get my own insurance card mailed to me at my address, and it just shows my dad’s name and my name, not the rest of my family (doesn’t apply to you, I know). I’ve gotten notices of privacy policies at my place, but most info goes to him. But I have online access where I can access all my stuff online (he can’t, because I’m over 18), I manage my own prescriptions online, and I can call the insurance company myself anytime there’s a problem or I have a question. To me, it’s not that big of a deal. The only time it was a huge issue was when I needed to get reimbursed so I could make a payment that couldn’t go straight through the insurance, and they sent the check to my parents and not me. I ended up sending the payment information to my mom, and she paid it with her credit card and then deposited the check into her bank account.

      I’m getting kicked off his insurance in April when I turn 26, but that’s ok because I’ll be working for a company with great insurance by then. I also have a few questions about having my own insurance – is it ok to post on the weekend thread or should I wait until Friday’s work thread?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Go ahead and post them here!

        I do wonder about the privacy implications of this — like if you were a dependent who didn’t want your parent to know you were getting reproductive health care or birth control, etc., it seems like you would not have privacy in that regard, which I naively hadn’t realized.

        1. amanda_cake*

          I’m 24 and on my father’s insurance as it doesn’t cost him extra and it is good coverage (if the local health places will ever end their disputes with Anthem). I’m lucky he doesn’t pay too much attention to the health insurance stuff, because I’d rather him not be all in my business about birth control or mental health things. I think my mother ends up opening most of the important mail in their house.

        2. anon24*

          Actually my parents had no idea I had an IUD until a casual conversation with my mom, or that I was seeing certain specialists. They are not allowed to see my medical files at all because I’m over 18. Occasionally they can see that a claim was made from the lab if I have blood drawn, but they don’t know any details, and my mom just confirms with me that yes I did have tests done. She doesn’t know what it’s for, and I’m lucky that she isn’t the type to press. I’m a private person and thankfully my parents respect that.

        3. Anon Was Once A Minor*

          Actually, at least on the plan I was on when I was covered through my dad as a minor, my parents still weren’t given any info. I went in for a MRI and my mom called in advance to see how much we would owe out of pocket, and they wouldn’t give her any info, even just on the financial aspect. I think I was 15-16 at the time. HIPPA laws still applied even though it showed that he was the name on the insurance. (I feel like I worded all of that really oddly – apologies!)

        4. Lady Bug*

          I’m the primary insurance holder, so I get everyone’s EOBs. For everyone but me, there is no information about the services received, just the date of service and provider. It says something like “withheld for privacy”.
          The individual has to set up an online account to see the details.

          Side note, I had no idea spouse’s had separate mail. Whoever gets the mail just goes through it.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Well, no, because we are two separate people. Some of the mail is for both of us, like household bills. But some is addressed to one person and I don’t like the idea that being married somehow removes that particular privacy.

            (I also don’t like it when I can’t contact a friend in a couple without it potentially being read by the spouse, eg joint email addresses. Maybe I want to choose who I talk to.)

            It’s not that either of us has anything to hide, it’s just that to me this is partly about personal autonomy. We aren’t one person with one completely joint name.

            1. Beatrice*

              In my household, we have joint finances, I handle the bills, and I open everything that is or looks like it might be a bill, regardless of who it’s addressed to. I do not open anything that looks like it might be personal (i.e. handwritten envelopes or things with an individual’s name in the return address rather than a company.)

          2. Ramona Flowers*

            PS I’m assuming you mean one person opens it all? If not, my comment doesn’t apply.

            To me this would be like listening into all my conversations.

            Also. I deal with post when I open it. If you open it for me, you’ll screw up my system.

        5. GirlwithaPearl*

          Some states have passed laws for EOB privacy both for things like reproductive health care and also counseling or for intimate partner violence situations.

        6. Kuododi*

          I do know in some jurisdictions minors who need addiction treatment and do not want to tell their parent or guardian simply have to refuse to sign the release of information. This doesn’t apply to general mental health care (I.e. tx for depression, anxiety, OCD and the like). I am unable to comment on minors privacy concerns regarding routine or emergency medical healthcare. (Outside of my wheelhouse.)

        7. Triplestep*

          My college-age daughter is on our plan (I am the primary) and the bills come to the house in her name. I know what they are and I open and pay them. If she didn’t want me to know what she’s doing by way of reproductive health, she’d have to figure something else out. It apparently hasn’t mattered that much to her, and there have been no surprises for me.

          That said, for some reason the pharmacy had my husband’s cell phone number on file as the number for the automated call when the prescriptions associated with our prescription plan were ready for pick up. (Again, I’m the insured so this makes no sense.) My daughter was quite peeved that her step-father got the call that her Rx was ready to pick up. I don’t think he would have put it together that it was for birth control had she not gotten so upset!

          1. Pharmgirl88*

            For pharmacies, phone numbers have to be added individually for each patient who has a profile at the pharmacy – and they’re usually added based on what phone number the patients give us (we don’t get any information from the insurance company). Most likely at some point when he was in they asked for a contact number and put in what he gave them (without realizing it was his cell vs. a family home number).

    6. Temperance*

      You should be able to set up your own account through the health plan’s website. That way, you can access EOBs and the like.

      I was on Booth’s insurance for a while, and it said something like “Temperance Brennan, c/o Seeley Booth” on the envelope.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yeah, I can access them online — but when they’re sent out, apparently they’ll go to him rather than to me, which I wasn’t expecting. But now I’ve solved that with the Gmail account forwarding (see ingenious plan described above). I guess I just didn’t realize that anything would be at all different as a dependent.

    7. Kuododi*

      DH and I are in SE USA and except for a few brief times I have always been on his plan. (He’s worked in hospital based healthcare all his working career and his options for insurance was historically much better.). I’ve always had insurance cards, EOB, etc sent to DH in my experience. I had to take over collecting mail as my schedule is more flexible than DH and he and your DH apparently are of the same school of thought on how to deal with mail. ;). Otherwise our little patio home would be stuffed to the gills with ignored sales circulars, junk mail and other random nutty stuff.

    8. Mimmy*

      That’s probably not unusual – I’m under my husband’s insurance and all of our EOBs go to him; the only EOBs I get directly are for my mental health appointments (our MH plan falls under under our insurance plan but is administered through a separate company).

    9. Enough*

      My husband and I have areas of our finances that we each take primary responsibility for the day to day. One of mine is insurance so my husband just gives me all the insurance stuff that comes in.

    10. Blue_eyes*

      Hmm. It must vary by plan. I’m a dependent on my husband’s plan and all my EOBs and stuff are sent to me in my name. But I don’t think we did anything to set it up that way, it’s just the way our plan does it.

      I also deal with insurance stuff for the family I work for, and theirs usually get sent to the name of the person the mail is about, but also sometimes get sent to the primary person’s (dad’s) name regardless of who they’re about. I can’t figure out why sometimes it’s in the individual’s name and sometimes in the dad’s name.

      I don’t know how you two sort your mail, but maybe you just need to open anything related to insurance (the insurance company is usually marked in the return address) and then leave it in his pile if it’s actually for him.

    11. Ree*

      I’m on my husband’s insurance too – all of our cards(medical, dental and vision) are in his name, none have my name on them.
      We opted out of getting mailed stuff and get all EOBs online.
      The most annoying part was that I had to memorize my husbands social security number because I need it almost every time I make an appointment, which is so annoying.
      As far as I know there isn’t a way around this.

    12. SpousalInsurance*

      I’m on my company’s plan and my husband is my dependent. I agree with all the responses about the mail, EOB’s and cards.

      One other issue that came up a couple of years ago was the online portal. With the actual health insurance, he had no problem setting up his own separate logon. The secondary prescription insurance, however, only let us set up one logon under my ID. For the year we had that insurance carrier, I had to manage all his medication renewals (multiple chronic illness, so over 15 meds that changed frequently). That was quite a pain in the butt. Thankfully the coverage changed the next year to another, more reasonable provider.

      It was sucky managing the meds, and if our relationship had been different, we would have been quite pissed about privacy concerns. Even on the better insurance websites, there are sometimes settings where the primary can see all EOB’s but the dependents can only see there own

    13. Melody Pond*

      Ooh! I can actually answer some questions about this from the insurance company side! I’m currently working in the billing & eligibility department of a health insurance company.

      As a member, you should be able to create some kind of an online account that is all your own. If you’re not sure about this, call the number on your insurance card to talk to the member services/customer service department, they can point you in the right direction. From the online account, you should be able to set up some rules regarding the EOB’s that are specifically yours – you should be able to opt out of paper EOB’s entirely, and by setting up your online account in the first place, you’ve given them an email address to alert when there are new EOB’s for you, specifically.

      Things that are not covered by HIPAA (like your ID cards) may still continue to go through him. But any of YOUR protected health information (PHI, as it’s known in the industry) should go to you, and/or you should be able to set it up so that it goes straight to you electronically (as in the EOB’s described above).

      It does make sense that the ID cards were addressed to him, because your ID cards would likely have his name on them, anyway. I believe that normally, when providers (doctors) bill insurance companies for claims, they have to know who the subscriber (primary policy-holder) is – so ID cards would normally list both the (a) subscriber’s name and (b) the member’s name, which can be either you or your husband.

      That’s everything I can think of, but if you have any more specific questions that I could answer from the industry standpoint, I’m happy to give them a shot.

      1. Bibliovore*

        My husband is on my health insurance. The only time I see anything for him is the yearly cards that I hand over to him. I get no health information. He is the more responsible one when it comes to mail. “you going to open that? might be important” is the refrain. He waves stuff in front of me and I say go ahead open it. Makes him crazy that I can have packages unopened for a a week or so. In my defense, I am a book reviewer and get a lot of mail.

      2. rubyrose*

        I work on the IT side of health care, and everything Melody Pond says is correct.

        I will also add that, at least where I have worked, there were capabilities in the system for even the ID cards to go to the dependent. Think a situation where there was a restraining order against the primary holder, where it was critical for the dependent (say a child in foster care, or spouse where there is domestic abuse) to have their whereabouts kept secret from the primary holder. If the primary called the insurance company for information, red alerts came up on the screen to warn the employee not to give out any information. My memory is that there is probably some form that has to be submitted, but that process was relatively painless and it could be done in less dire situations, such as what Alison is describing.

        I do remember, though, having to code and test the ability for procedures, test, and diagnosis related visits that were NOT of a sensitive nature to be available to the primary if no special waivers had been put in place. So, reproductive services were sensitive, a broken arm was not. This was real dicey, because they had myself and someone else in IT making the first cut of what was sensitive! Like I know all that medical terminology.
        We balked and got it passed the medical staff to make the determination.

        So I would really encourage everyone for whom this is an issue to call your insurance company and really question them about what safeguards they automatically have in place and which ones you can invoke by request. I suspect it is going to vary by company.

    14. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Honestly, my mom opens all the important mail regardless of who it’s addressed to. Dad opens his mail, looks at it, put it back in the envelope, puts it in the basket on his desk, and it sits forever. In your case, either your husband needs to commit to opening ALL of his mail immediately, even if he doesn’t deal with it right away, or you start opening medical stuff addressed to him. His choice, but if he fails to open his mail right away, he’ll lose the privilege.

    15. another Liz*

      Late to the party, but depending on your plan, you might need husband’s date of birth and/or all or part of his social security number when checking in with a care provider, because you have to verify both your id for treatment and his for billing.

  40. Nervous Accountant*

    One of my friends in our group chat suffered a bad haircut and hasn’t stopped complaining for 2-3 days. Normally, I’d be sympathetic as hell but right now I can’t deal w that shit. I know it’s not their loss, and I don’t expect anything more from my friends than what they’ve already done. But…like…right in front of me? I’m really struggling to bite my tongue and not tell her to shut the fuck up. I’m furious.

    1. fposte*

      I think you’re furious, but it’s not really at her; it’s at your loss and the universe. She’s just the edge of it that’s sticking out right now.

      You don’t need to be sympathetic *or* to tell her to shut up. Just let it go, remember she’s not in the wrong and that you’ve almost certainly done the same with other people who’ve had losses, and realize this is just part of grief.

    2. CAA*

      Can you step away from this group for a few days until this blows over? Sometimes when you’re feeling really raw and everything other people are obsessing about just seems so trivial, it can help to take a step back. It’s o.k. to isolate yourself for a short while if that helps you cope better in the long run.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yeah I just turned off all notifications to the entire app; anyone who wants/needs to contact me can find me. Super weird though, I’m not feeling this kind of rage in my other group chat w my coworkers, where we’ve talked about work and. Stuff. Oddly, that’s a welcome distraction. Idk why this bugged me so much.

    3. Cheshire Cat*

      Seconding the advice to back off for a few days. Hopefully she will stop complaining by then!

    4. Lizabeth*

      She hasn’t gone back to get it fixed to her satisfaction? Then she doesn’t have grounds for complaining.

      1. TL -*

        Sometimes you can’t fix it, though, especially if they took off too much length.
        I don’t think it’s helpful to criticize her complaining – I agree with fposte’s read above.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        Idk it was an expensive haircut. I do feel bad, i would be whining too. Just. Can’t in this state.

    1. fposte*

      Eddie Izzard’s “weasel, weasel.”

      “They say of the Acropolis where the Parthenon is.”

      Seeing Michael Frayn’s Noises Off for the first time.

      1. fposte*

        BTW, not sure now if you were asking about the specific incitement or the reasons why it was so funny. For the latter, I’ll roughly say that unexpected ridiculousness, the kind where the absurdity pedal suddenly hits the floorboard even amid an already funny situation, and an element of camaraderie, whether between me and somebody else watching or with the people providing the ridiculousness, seem to be key.

      2. Katie*

        Oh god, so many Eddie Izzard moments kill me. I think I almost died at “If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, then you’ve never been on acid”.

        Also love QI….

    2. Alpha Bravo*

      Not sure it was to the point of tears, but … odd things make me laugh the hardest. Like one time I was talking to a friend. He wore glasses, with small roundish lenses. I had just sliced a lemon in half and I was holding half a lemon in each hand. I looked up, and there were those glasses, and I could not help myself. I rubbbed the halves of the lemon onto his glasses with a circular motion, (hearing in my mind a “squeegee “ sound effect as I did so), jumped up and ran away laughing maniacally. I paid for it but that laugh was worth it. The latest thing I saw that made me laugh was a vid of a goat skidding on ice (on purpose, for fun). This is a great question nep!

    3. DMLT*

      The antics of my nieces and nephews.
      My kids doing improv on stage and throwing in references to family things no one else would get.

    4. Librarygeek*

      From a “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done while your brain was on autopilot?” thread on Reddit (which was pretty hilarious all around): “Meatlong football.” I don’t even know why, but that just the ridiculous thing that set me off for about five minutes.
      Gallusrostromegalus’s stories on tumblr are also pretty reliably hilarious.

    5. Sue*

      Have you ever watched ‘Would I lie to You?’ (A British panel show), some of those episodes made me laugh so much I had to pause it to catch my breath (Kevin Bridges buying a horse, Henning Wehn being on the Interpol missing persons’ list, the cuddle jumper…anything with Bob Mortimer).

      1. fposte*

        OMG, I go back to watch the horse story now and then just to cheer myself. I am so glad that they gave it the unusually long amount of time of the program that they did–that’s what makes it art. Greg Davies has some great ones too–I love snorkel parka music room and, of course, Cushin.

    6. New Bee*

      The other day we gave our 1-year-old a snack, and she said what sounded like “So good” in the ultimate Valley/vocal fry voice (think Paris Hilton).

    7. Merci Dee*

      9 times out if 10, it’s something my daughter has said.

      One episode sticks out. We were in the car on the way to the store near Halloween when she was about 7. She told me a Halloween themed joke — “why is it so easy to lie to vampires?” I thought for a moment but couldn’t come up with the answer. She gleefully responds, “because they’re suckers!”

      It’s not that the joke was so hysterically funny, it’s the way she delivered the punchline. A gleeful little grin on her face, shoulders all hunched, and her sweet little hands rubbing together like a comic book villain. And her voice just had this goofy little lilt. I had to wipe away the tears once I pulled into a parking spot.

    8. LizB*

      A number of years ago, my brother and I found a website where you could enter text in English and the website would automatically put it into babelfish (a translation website that tried its best but was not super accurate) and run it back and forth through a bunch of different languages and English. It would then show you how your text evolved through all of these cycles. We could barely read them out loud, we were laughing so hard.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Some of my favorite YouTube videos are from the channel “Google Translate Sings”. So hilarious. A lady does the same thing – runs lyrics through 6 or 7 layers of Google Translate, and then performs with the resultant final English translation. I laughed so hard at “Poor Unfortunate Souls”, and at “Make a Man Out of You” that one of her guy friends sang. These folks have amazing voices, and they really go all out with the costumes, scenery, etc. It’s just that you can barely understand what they’re saying because of the humorous mis-translations. Thankfully, they include subtitles so that you can read the song’s real lyrics while they sing the crazy stuff.

        Also …. look up “spoken bohemian rhapsody” on YouTube. I was laughing so hard I had to pause for a bathroom break. Sorry if that’s TMI.

    9. P R fan*

      If you google Project Runway and dead cat, you will get 2 minute video of a contestant named Kentaro explaining his inspiration for his fashion collection to Tim Gunn. Kentaro also composed a piece of beautiful music from the inspiration. There were many great moments from Kentaro this season because he is absolutely delightful but this moment took the cake.

    10. Cheshire Cat*

      Some of the animal antics videos on YouTube. There’s one of a turtle playing with a ball, and another of a dog sledding–he pulls the sled up the hill & then rides it down!

    11. kas*

      I “sleep-texted” my mom. I woke up one morning to a text from her asking what last night was about and when I scrolled up to see the texts, I laughed to the point of tears. She asked me a simple question and my response had nothing to do with the question she asked. I have no idea what I was talking about but I had enough sense in my sleep to correct all of the spelling errors I made. I took a screenshot of it and sent it to my sister and she randomly showed me the other day and we both were crying from laughing so hard.

    12. Earthwalker*

      I found the Cake Wrecks website and binge-viewed their whole history back to the beginning. There are so many giggles there.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Omg, yes. There have been dreary days where I just sat down and look at that site until I was crying in laughter.

          2. Triplestep*

            Yes, it’s the combination of the cakes and writing that really make it. I remember now why I stopped visiting that site; visually, I find it hard to read. Really could use a re-design, but it’s looked that way forever.

    13. LPUK*

      My mother, sister and I were in the cafe of a very middle class department store (John Lewis in the UK) when we started giggling about my Mum’s unique take on talking to foreigners, which is basically to speak in English, but in what she fondly imagines to be the accent they would use if they spoke English – yes, it’s as hysterically bad as that sounds! Anyway, Mum was trying to shut us up, which simply made us giggle more, to the extent that other customers caught the contagion even though they didn’t know why they were laughing. Mum went to pay the bill and my sister and I staggered after her, but we had reached the stage where we were laughing so hard that we could no longer stand up and reeled into Soft Furnishings where I fell to my knees and pushed my head into Ready-made Curtains and my sister collapsed into the Cushion display, howling with laughter. We gathered quite a crowd, but the more they looked, and the crosser my Mum got, the more we laughed. After 10 minutes on the floor we had to CRAWL into the ladies toilets to calm ourselves down. Even then, we were in adjacent cubicles and I would do deep breathing to try and stop, hear my sister tittering through the wall and start laughing again like a loon. My mother has refused to go back to that particular store since. We were in our late twenties at the time.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Okay. That’s absolutely hilarious. Both your mom’s habit, and your response to it. I was snickering while I read it.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        This cracked me up, especially when you Named the Departments into which you and your sister each collapsed before you retreated into the women’s room. Oh, yes, and making the other customers laugh also. Hee hee.

    14. Peggy*

      Self-potato from Wheel of Fortune. One time I was visiting my parents and I tried to tell my mom about it and I couldn’t get my words out, i was laugh-crying and hiccuping so hard. So I found it on YouTube and played it for her and she started laugh-crying and we tried to tell my dad why we were laughing so hard and neither of us could talk.

    15. Thlayli*

      The scene in Spinal Tap with the dwarf and the model of Stonehenge made me laugh so much I literally fell off a chair.

    16. Sparkly Librarian*

      About 2 minutes ago — on my Facebook feed a political figure had posted “Todos somos iguales” and, scrolling by, I read “Todos somos iguanas”.

    17. Ramona Flowers*

      My husband sent me a text saying “I’ve been to the dump and got sausages”, and I initially read it like he had got sausages from the rubbish dump, and then I couldn’t stop laughing.

    18. Beatrice*

      I bought boots for my dog to wear outside in the snow.

      Watching him try to walk in them was hilarious enough, but when it came time to do a post-poop pawing at the grass, he just looked puzzled at his feet for a moment, and then kind of bucked like a horse. I darn near wet my pants.

    19. Elizabeth West*

      One of those random posts on Buzzfeed where they collect a bunch of hilarious photos. They had one the other day that tweaked my funnybone just right. Best of all, it contained some I hadn’t seen before.

      Another thing that always does it is damnyouautocorrect.com.

    20. no imagination*

      John Mulaney’s story about the Salt and Pepper Diner is the first thing that springs to my mind. Everyone I show it to loves it!

    21. Jillociraptor*

      This recent conversation with my soon-to-be-mother-in-law about Star Wars:

      MIL: Do Luke and Leia ever get together?
      Fiance: Mom, Luke is her brother.
      MIL: What about R2D2 and C-3PO?
      Fiance: [troubled pause] What about them?
      MIL: Are they brothers?
      Fiance: …?
      MIL: …?
      Fiance: How?
      MIL [with tremendous purpose]: Science fiction.

      MIL is a truly accomplished and intelligent woman, she just sometimes doesn’t think all the way through what she’s saying before she says it. But this had me in absolute stitches. You know that thing where you’re laughing so hard you’re not even laughing, just kind of shaking? Yep.

    22. Someone else*

      Miranda (sitcom Miranda Hart did several years ago)
      I watched it all in one go on a streaming service and on multiple occasions, not only literally laughed so much water streamed from my eyes, but I had to keep pausing to finish laughing because I was missing too much from laughing so hard. I’d pause/rewind and go back a little.

  42. Lady Jay*

    Watched the Big Sick last night and absolutely loved it! Heartwarming, likable characters and funny (though admittedly, I have a dark sense of humor). I get so weary of popular movies giving us these mortally flawed, angsty heroes, or superheroes, and so it was really nice to have a whole movie about everyday people just trying to do the best they could. I also really liked the genius of centering a romantic comedy on the boyfriend’s* relationship with the parents.

    *This does have the effect of rendering the woman herself mute for much of her story; an equally interesting story would have put the boyfriend in the hospital, and explored the girlfriend’s relationship with the parents. That said, since The Big Sick is based on a true story and is written by the people involved, I fully understand why they didn’t do this.

    1. fposte*

      There was a detail in the New Yorker story about it that I thought was actually better than how they wrote it in the film: that Kumail when finally broke it to his parents that he was seeing a white woman when Emily was in the coma, they raised no objection–their first question in every phone conversation was “How is Emily?” It was only when he finally said, “She’s going to be okay” that his mother said, “How could you do this to us?”

      I was interested to hear that some responses felt the Pakistani girls were diminished and caricatured. I thought that that wasn’t completely unjust, in some of them were pretty much there as comic turns, but I definitely thought the last two, the magician and the one who got mad at him, were pretty interesting and dimensional.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I actually remember noticing how developed and polished the Pakistani girls seemed! To me, The Big Sick seemed a bit like a 21st century version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I love that movie, but it *does* play the potential arranged spouses for comic effect. This one leers, that one doesn’t know how to eat politely; none of them come off well.

        Nearly all the Pakistani girls come off very well indeed. With the exception of the first one, who tries to quote X-Files, they’re educated and articulate; they clearly have friends; they’re *nice* people. The comic effect comes from Kumail’s family and Kumail himself, not the women.

    2. Courtney*

      I also loved this movie! Random thing that I liked about it from the female perspective – they don’t do that thing where the female lead looks perfect all the time – like regardless of how upset or sick they are, perfect makeup and hair and all that. Like, her hair is messy. She has dark circles under her eyes. She’s not doing a perfect pretty cry of a single tear rolling down her face. It just felt a lot more real and genuine to me than what you typically see in movies.

    3. Temperance*

      I’m a huge fan of Kumail Najiani, but I haven’t been able to watch this quite yet. I was in a medically induced coma in 2016, and I don’t want to relive that part of my life.

      FWIW, it’s based on the true story of his marriage, which is why it’s from his perspective (since his gf-at-the-time was in the coma).

  43. gingerbird*

    I may have freaked out a person in my neighborhood this morning. She was walking a Boston Terrier the size of my hand. He was wearing a little swearing. I started squealing “HE’S SO TINY!” over and over again.

    1. Bostons*

      I love bostons so much. Just adopted our first one after pining over them for my whole life. She’s the light of my life, I’m so in love with her!!

  44. Lady Jay*

    I’m off to my local Women’s March today. One day into the shutdown, I’m really feeling in the mood for it. Anybody else participating in the protests today?

    1. Tris Prior*

      Yes, I was at the Chicago march! Didn’t make it through the whole thing and left early as I’ve literally just recovered from the flu and still don’t have a ton of energy, but I am grateful that I was able to attend. Apparently we had an even bigger turnout this year!

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      My niece M., who you all know from her appearances here, just registered to vote at one of the marches today! (She’s 17 but will be 18 by the election.) I am verklempt.

    3. Blue Eagle*

      Our march is tomorrow (not sure why it is a day late) and yes, I will be marching! (wearing my pussy hat from last year and carrying a brand new sign)

      1. Earthwalker*

        Me too tomorrow. Just another head in the crowd but I want my senators to see how many women there are who care.

    4. K.*

      I did! I went with a big group, including three people who brought their very young kids (kids ranged in age from in utero to five).

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I was in DC today, with three generations of women — my wife, daughter, and mother-in-law. My daughter won’t be able to vote until 2020, though. Good for your niece, Alison!

    7. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I was there! It was awesome :) I love seeing all the different signs. Had to wait 2 hours for the next train on the way home, and my poster got lost. Again. That’s the 3rd poster I’ve lost. You’d think I could hold on to posters, but no.

      and everyone – make sure you’re registered to vote and then VOTE! It’s the single most important thing you can do as a citizen.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      No, we had one here but according to what the map said, it wasn’t supposed to start until six pm. I thought about going but was unusually tired yesterday for some reason. So I got on Twitter and started posting election schedules, etc.

  45. Courtney*

    I have a mom confession – I hate playing with my kids. That sounds awful. I love them to pieces and really enjoy talking and cuddling with them and teaching them…but the way they play just does not jive with my personality. They constantly want to run and jump and just be crazy – they’re just bouncing off the walls with energy. I was the kid who loved to read (or just pretend to read using the pictures when I was little), color, play quiet pretend games, etc. I force myself to play the more physical games with them, but the second I stop they’re whining and asking me to play with them. And I feel like such a witch for not enjoying it and wishing they were old enough to not want me around 24/7 – like, go play outside and burn off some energy! When you’re done and a little calmer we can do something together – talk, watch a movie, bake, make something, play with their little sandboxes, whatever. But they’re only 3 and 4, so they want me to be involved in their super active games and playing alllllll the time. It wears me out and makes me feel like the worst mom. Blah.

    1. Turtlewings*

      You’re not a bad mom at all. People have different personalities and preferences, which don’t always mesh well, regardless of age. It’s not your children you hate, it’s running and jumping and being crazy. That’s fine. Other parents are great at running and playing but have no patience for teaching and talking to their kids. They’re not bad parents, either, just different. I think it pretty much works out in the wash, as long as you (a) be the adult and do things you don’t wanna do sometimes, (b) make sure your kids get what they need elsewhere if you can’t provide it. Any opportunity you see for them to get their wiggles out without you suffering for it, definitely take it!!

    2. kc89*

      I wonder if there are games you can play where you get to sit still and they do all the work, I’m picturing fetch like with a dog which shows I’m not around kids very often..

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Haha. I was picturing this too. But there are things like that you can do with kids. I’m picturing throwing those sinking rings into a pool that the kids then have to dive for and retrieve. (Probably not with 3 and 4 year olds, but in a few years). You can sit on the edge of the pool for ages throwing them in and letting the kids get themselves good and tired from swimming hard.

        1. Friday*

          I legit won’t vacation with my kids without a hotel pool now that I’ve seen the magic that is post-pool exhaustion.

    3. Julianne*

      Is it feasible (in terms of time, money, age-appropriate-ness, and access) to sign them up for some sort of class or program where they can be engaged by another adult in an active way? (I have no idea if this is even a thing that exists, children under 6 are pretty much mysterious to me.) Or a playgroup where they could get some active time playing with other kids once or twice a week?

      1. The New Wanderer*

        THIS. My kids do tumbling/gymnastics classes at the nearby gym on Saturdays. There are plenty of classes for the under 6 set and I specifically targeted the ones that the parents didn’t have to accompany the children for my younger one. Even the climbing gym does classes for 3 and up. We haven’t looked at martial arts but that’s an option. So far the classes haven’t worn them out at all but it helps take the edge off and I’m free to read for the hour they’re in class.

        I’ve been tailoring the fun and games to things I also enjoy. I don’t like tackling and wrestling so I say no to that but suggest alternatives. I made some snowballs out of stuffing and old wash cloths and we have snowball fights. Easter eggs aren’t only for Easter – they love treasure hunts any time and don’t care if the eggs are empty. We do have an indoor trampoline, but I really wish there were kid-sized hamster wheels for rainy days. My kids like to run so when we go outside, I time them running to and from various places (around the park, to the fence and back). And we go to new playgrounds pretty often, where they’re happy to explore with minimal supervision.

    4. Ree*

      My mother and grandmother would both say they never played with their kids, that parents are there to provide and discipline but kids play amongst each other or by themselves, parents are a playmate.
      I don’t know that I entirely agree with this, but I don’t have kids either.
      I do know that I’m an only child and I wasn’t big on playing when I was young, I liked reading and watching movies, so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t play with my future kids very much.
      See? THAT sounds terrible to say, not what you said! :)

      1. TL -*

        I know my dad and uncle would throw us up in the air and occasionally roughhouse with us, but I don’t think my mom ever played with us. And my dad didn’t play with us otherwise. My cousin doesn’t play with her kids, though my siblings and I do. They’re all good parents – they were there for us and clearly loved us; they just weren’t our playmates.

        I think it’s fine not to play with your kids! They can play with each other and they get more of a sense of independence and imagination and into more (and better) trouble.

    5. Helpful*

      You have a legit mismatch here. :) Some ideas:
      Mother’s Day out (give yourself a break!)
      Play dates with active kids
      Do you have an indoor trampoline? Get one.
      Memberships to places where they can be animals (children’s museums, those bouncy places, etc.)
      Designate spouse to be the rough houser / tickle monster (so you don’t have to as much)
      Dancing / active videos

      Solidarity. You are not alone. If you are an introvert, be sure you take time to recharge yourself. Please update if you can!

    6. Purple snowdrop*

      Oh my god me too. My small child is nearly 7. Drives me crackers. At least by this age yours will be better able to entertain each other. Singletons not so much!

    7. Agnodike*

      Are they old enough to enjoy stop/go games like Red Light Green Light and What Time is it, Mr. Wolf? You can be the “caller” while they’re active, and you’ll still be participating in play with them! Or set them up on a treasure hunt or scavenger hunt around the house; a little extra up front investment from you but then you get to relax into the “consultant” role while they find five things that start with B or bring you the next puzzle clue to solve together. Another one I really like to balance out energy levels is Feeding Time at the Zoo, where you’re the zookeeper and they get to be the animals and show off their various animal tricks for you (the seal can do a flip, the elephant can balance a ball on his head, etc). I parent with an illness that often makes me unable to participate in physical games, so I’ve got about a million of these – there are also lots of suggestions for high kid energy-low parent energy games on websites for ill parents that maybe you could adapt for your family.

      1. Agnodike*

        P.S. You’re not a bad mom. Every single parent has stuff about parenting that they HATE. Like, hate hate hate. We love our kids; we just hate having to read the same story eleventy million times or answering a hundred questions on the way to the grocery store or (in my case) the gong show that is bath and bedtime. You don’t like 100% of the elements of any other job or relationship, do you? And that’s fine.

    8. Tea, please*

      Same. His favorite thing to do is sword fighting with and stick shaped object (oh the bruises!…also, where did he learn this?). But I have to otherwise my almost 3yo will destroy things (ie upon finding sugar on the counter while I was nursing #2, “sand!” and proceeded to pour it EVERYWHERE). I’m looking forward to summer when I can sit outside with an ice tea and watch him play…well until he wants to play baseball and I have to throw the ball.
      I’m looking forward to baking with him or doing art projects without worrying that he will dump everything out (pour it, mama?)
      Definitely a challenge getting him enough sensory and physical stimulation.

    9. Thursday Next*

      You’re not a bad mom! You have different interests from your children at this stage. That’s okay! My daughter has always wanted me to be involved in her pretend play games; my son is more into board games. One of these suits my temperament better, but you know what? I do both. The trick for me is to set a time limit, after which I propose a new game that suits my preferences (hey, weekends are long—I need a bit of fun, too!) for a set period. Then it’s kid’s turn to choose again. Can you try this with your kids? They’re young, so they may not have the patience for more than 5-10 minutes of your preferred activity, but it would be a start.

      There are lots of good cookbooks for kids—maybe the end results will motivate them to do some baking with you? That’s a great activity for all kinds of motor and math skills.

      1. LibbyG*

        I do that too. “I’ll play tag for 10 minutes and then I have to fold laundry.” I also time them a lot: “How many seconds does it take you to frog-jump all the way across the room and back?”

        They’re 6 and 3 now, and better at playing on their own for longer stretches. Hang in there!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      You are the mom. As a former kid, I can tell you I would follow my parents anywhere.
      They wanted to play badminton. They said I had to play by the rules. What happened next was we played badminton by the rules. They went on to teach me croquet. We played in an orderly fashion and by the rules and still managed to enjoy the game.
      They took me to play miniature golf. Again, I had to obey the rules regarding behavior in public. I had a good time in spite of all that.
      My folks were 40 when I was born and I was not that old when they started to slow down. They liked playing cards. I quickly adapted to playing cards. We also played Monopoly and Scrabble.
      I hope I can encourage you that if you try to redirect their play they will tend to follow your redirection. I saw the same theme with my husband. He went hunting with his father. When his father stopped hunting so did my husband. My husband did not care about the hunting, he just wanted quality time with dad. In this example here, notice that not every activity has to be play. Hunting is serious, there are serious rules to follow. My husband was willing to do all this because he got to be with his dad. Maybe they would like to apple picking or strawberry picking. Maybe they would like an interactive museum. Think about the things you do enjoy that would involve some moving around and some interacting with others.

    11. Book Lover*

      Oh, I adore my kids but have no interest in playing with them most of the time. But I figure they can play with each other or with friends. I take them to the park, to the zoo, to the library. I will do jigsaw puzzles with the older one and build things with the smaller. I read to both of them and happily will do that until they leave the nest. I guess I just figure if they want me to participate then they will do the things I like to do. That sounds horribly selfish, but they seem happy enough. I guess I will see how much I spend on therapy when they are older.

      1. LCL*

        Your approach sounds exactly like my mom’s. I never felt traumatized or neglected because she wouldn’t play games with us.

    12. LilySparrow*

      You are not a bad mom. I physically can’t keep up with my kids. Wish I could, but I probably still wouldn’t enjoy that stuff.
      I do want them to enjoy it, and not discourage them.
      The ideas here about “fetch” type games or being the spotter/referee/goalie instead of a participant are totally legit ways of being present with them even though you’re not doing the same thing.

      The thing that drives me batty is when mine want to play dolls or Legos and assign me a character…but then they shoot down all my ideas and feed me lines. It usually ends up with me saying, “if you want me to play, let me play!” Then they kick me out.

  46. Mimmy*

    Paging Detective Amy Santiago and other Pittsburgh-area AAM’ers!

    (Although my overall question relates to travel, this post mentions a conference–it is not for work and will be paid for personally, but it would help me professionally, so Alison, please let me know if I should post this in the Friday thread)

    I’ve been shopping around to see what is the best way to get from New Jersey to Pittsburgh for a conference I may be attending in mid-June. I naively thought it’d be relatively easy and inexpensive seeing that Pittsburgh isn’t super-far. Nooooope! I thought for sure that most flights would be direct, with no stops or plane changes, but right now, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Going by train (Amtrak) looks easier and less expensive, but travel time could be much longer, depending on where I pick up the train and if there are any transfers.

    Full disclosure: I have never made my own travel arrangements – it’s always been my husband, since he is really good at searching for the best routes at the best prices. I keep looking on the conference website to see if they post any transportation info to get a sense of how close the venue is to an airport or Amtrak train station and how people can get to the venue.

    Am I really that naive, or is making any sort of travel arrangements really that complicated?!

    1. Blue_eyes*

      Travel planning can be complicated, especially when you don’t know much about your destination. But it does get easier with practice. Google (especially Google Maps) is your friend here. I’m not sure where in NJ you are, but I was able to find the following in less than 10 minutes:

      – United has direct flights from Newark airport to Pittsburgh (costs about $500 roundtrip)
      – Amtrak has service from Newark, Trenton, or Philadelphia to Pittsburgh (but it takes up to 9 hours and you may have to transfer between trains in Philly – costs about $160 round trip for coach)

      Do you have the venue name? Look it up on Google Maps and then get driving directions from the venue to the Amtrak station, and to the airport to compare distances. I just looked up both the airport and Amtrak stations on google maps and the Amtrak station is right downtown, but the airport is outside the city. If your conference is downtown, the train station might be really convenient to the venue. The conference organizers may also be able to suggest the best way to transfer from the airport/train station to the venue/hotel (they may even run shuttles depending on what kind of conference it is and how many people are traveling to it).

    2. Lady Kelvin*

      Yeah it’s basically impossible to get to Pittsburgh. If you are close to Philly you could get a direct flight or take amtrack. The amtrack would take longer than driving buts it’s actually a really nice trip and no transfers. Otherwise I would just drive. It’s only 8-9 hours and a pretty easy drive on the turnpike.

    3. BRR*

      I live in NJ and have a conference in Pittsburgh next year and just plan on driving it. Non-northeast corridor amtrak is often delayed.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      It’s probably about a 5-6 hour drive from Philly to Pittsburgh, so depending on what part of Jersey you’re coming from, it might be easier to drive it. HOWEVER, the caveat with that being, depending on where you’re staying, the cost of parking your car might make that prohibitive.

      If you’re staying downtown, Amtrak might not be a bad way to go. I’ve taken the train between Pittsburgh/Philly, Pittsburgh/DC, and Pittsburgh/Chicago a number of times and it is my preferred method of travel. Downtown is pretty walk-able plus you can easily get taxis or Uber/Lyft rides so if you’re not going outside the actual city area, you wouldn’t need a car.

      Do you know the venue?

      1. Mimmy*

        Thanks everybody!

        BRR – Thanks for the warning about non-Northeast Corridor trains!

        The venue is the Wyndham Grand Hotel. Unfortunately, I don’t drive (at least I wouldn’t have the extra car and parking costs :)). I think they are planning on providing shuttle service because it says “information coming soon”. A classmate of mine will be at the conference and is a presenter, so I’m sure she’ll be able to help too.

        This would be a whole new experience for me. I’ve been to conferences before, but they were all in New Jersey and I usually knew people there; for the one really large one, I went with a friend. As for this upcoming conference, I only know two people.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          The Wyndham Grand is in the heart of downtown Pittsburgh. The train station is less than a mile away. The airport is about 45 minutes outside the city.

            1. the gold digger*

              You can get from the airport to downtown on the airport bus for about $2.50. It’s an express bus and it’s super easy. It runs about every 30 minutes, I think. We took it at Thanksgiving and it was so easy.

              Make sure you go to the Strip when you are there. And the Heinze museum is really interesting.

    5. Lore*

      I have flown direct from JFK to Pittsburgh for under $200. Granted, it was December when not many people wanted to fly to Pittsburgh, but it wasn’t difficult to find flights, two years ago anyway. I see flights on United and Delta from Newark for around the same price in late February. I also have a friend who does the Amtrak trip regularly and finds it very pleasant.

    6. Transportasaurus Rex*

      Megabus and Greyhound also travel between New York or Philly and Pittsburgh. The bus station is right across the street from the Amtrak station, so they’re equal on that measure. I’m sure the train is much more comfortable than the bus, but the buses run much more often and at better times for me, and I enjoy the rare chance to stop running around and read/nap/think for a while.

      For flights; jetblue used to run some decent deals to/from NYC, or if you can get to Philly easily, there are reasonably priced (and very short) direct flights.

      The inbound 28x (bus) from the airport stops right across the street from that hotel, and the outbound stop is directly in front of it. Note that it’s only $2.50 with a prepaid ConnectCard or paper ticket; cash is $2.75 and drivers don’t have change. There’s a machine at the airport where you can get the paper tickets; I’m not sure about the plastic ConnectCards – I think those are sold mostly at the main office downtown and various local grocery stores, but can be reloaded at the machines once you have one.

  47. Pearl*

    This is half venting and half a question about possibly starting therapy. My partner of several years broke up with me last night. I’m having a really hard time this morning even though it wasn’t an awful mess and once I get some distance we will probably still be friends. I just feel totally lost, and am also dealing with an attempted change in weekday-only stuff, so I woke up feeling especially directionless. And most of my friends here were her friends first, so I’m home alone today.

    I have a vague notion I might need to go to a therapist but I don’t know how to find one. I would have to find one that’s LGBT-friendly. I’d strongly prefer to see an actual LGBT person, but I don’t know how realistic that is or if you can even ask that. How do you find a therapist? Does it even make sense to go in just because your relationship ended?

    I want a short-term thing that won’t last years. I feel like I might need a neutral place to discuss coping strategies, how to grieve, and also to evaluate myself and my ability to make friends on my own and be open with people going forward. Despite being nearly 30 I have only been in one relationship before this and I was depressed and handled that break-up badly. I don’t want to do that this time. I would like to handle it better for myself, and so that we can stay friendly, and it’s not awkward when I run into her or see other people in our social circle if any of them want to stay friends.

    I only know a couple people who have been to therapy and it hasn’t been for stuff like that. I do have insurance that says there’s a copay for behavioral health, which I think means that I would only have to pay the copay. Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. ArtK*

      Very sorry to hear of your breakup — that’s never a happy thing.

      As for therapy, one piece of advice is that therapy requires a good relationship with the therapist. You may have to try more than one before you find someone compatible (sounds like dating, doesn’t it?) There are tons of theraputic styles out there from pure “talk therapy” to much more practical stuff. I’m a big fan of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT.) Look it up and see if that’s something like what you’re looking for.

      A general piece of advice: It’s ok to be sad and unmotivated after this. It’s fresh and will hurt for some time. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship. This may be something that takes a while to get over, even with a great therapist. I’ve had breakups that took weeks, or even months, to get past and be fully functional again.

      1. Pearl*

        Thank you, especially for “It’s okay to be sad and unmotivated.” This does help.

        I will look into CBT. I only know a little about it from my insomnia doctor. I am intimidated going in, but I will try to keep in mind that it may take a while to find someone I can really work with. Thank you again.

      2. Agnodike*

        I’ll offer a contrary opinion and say that I’m not a big fan of CBT for relational stuff. If you can find a therapist who does EFT or mindfulness based cognitive therapy, that might be a better fit in this instance. CBT gets promoted a lot because it’s pretty effective for treating a lot of illnesses, but I find it’s much less effective for emotional processing; it’s not a one size fits all tool. Just my $0.02 as something to consider.

        As far as LGBTQ friendly, my region has a rainbow health network that maintains a list. Maybe yours has something similar? If not, maybe an LBGTQ advocacy centre if there is one has a recommendation? You can also ask when you call if the therapist is experienced with queer/trans patients.

        1. Pearl*

          I haven’t heard of EFT or mindfulness-based, thank you. I will also read about that. Waking up this morning was awful and I wanted to immediately have a fix, but I’m seeing that I still need to do some more research before I can really get started. I’m the kind of person who prefers to have a lot of background info before I go into a new situation, especially with doctors, so it helps to get these tips.

          I think my primary care clinic may be the biggest LGBTQ health center in the city. The behavioral health unit has a long waiting list and is focused on fixes to immediate problems, which was why I hadn’t put them at the top of the list. But maybe they could recommend other providers.

          1. Agnodike*

            I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks big time. I hope you find a provider to work with soon and that they’re helpful for you. This internet stranger is sending you lots of positive thoughts and love.

    2. Starryemma*

      I’m sorry you’re going through that. Breakups are so hard!

      I’ve heard that Psychology Today has a good therapist directory. I just looked at it, and you can search by location. They have bios with pictures. I hope that helps. I found my therapist through the recommendation of a friend. I find it really helpful for getting through hard stuff.

      1. Pearl*

        Thank you, I will try that. The insurance website just had names with no infos or links to people’s pages, and it was making me feel totally overwhelmed.

        1. Ellen*

          I believe the Psychology Today therapist search menu allows you to choose therapists who are LGBT friendly, so that’s a great place to start.

    3. SC Anonibrarian*

      Some scattered thoughts, in no particular order.
      1) Psychology Today has a guide of therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists that you can search by area – it’s like a personal ad for the therapist; they mention what types of therapy they do, and what specialities they have, and what populations they serve.
      So for example: I’m Deanna Troi, and I focus on talk therapy, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and non-religious mindfulness practice and I work with individuals and children, and I welcome LGBT and spectrum individuals to my practice.

      Or; Pastor Mary Magdalene studied women in ministry and therapeutic dialectical practices at Sermon on the Mount Uni. She works with couples and women in a faith-based environment to maximize women’s god-given potentials.
      (both of these are paraphrased from active therapists listed in my area, btw)
      So the listing can give you a general idea who is going to be a good match.

      After that I like to google them and see their own website or facebook or whatever, to get a better look at what sort of practice and stuff they are posting – which for me eliminated a whole lot of people as just ‘saying’ they did a certain therapy but they actually regularly did other things.

      Next you have to find out who is ‘in network’ by looking up your insurance overage or calling the number on your insurance card and cross-referencing the people you found with the ones who are covered by your insurance.

      Also remember that only paying your co-pay is often based on you having met your yearly deductible: this early in the year that is unlikely, and depending on how high your deductible is and your medical situation otherwise, you might not meet it at all. For something temporary like this, that means you may be better off NOT going through your insurance at all, and just paying out of pocket. For instance if you really like the looks of a certain practice and they aren’t in your network, or if you’re concerned about diagnoses showing up on your permanent medical record with your work insurance.

      If you pick a therapist or a counselor they will want to know if you have a psychiatrist or a general practice doctor for your usual care, and want to know who they are so they can keep your medical history updated.

      Last, plan to call as many as you have the stamina for, and after the calls have narrowed the field, to visit (called an intro or intake visit) as many as you have the stamina for. I ended up with a list of about 12 calls, and did 5 visits which resulted in 3 good matches. The reason the visits and calls are important is that the personality and focus of the therapist are most important and that is hard to tell from just an online listing. The person who was the best fit on paper for me was a TERRIBLE match in person and I would have been deeply frustrated if I’d just gone with that person based on her online presence.

      I know it sounds like a lot, but it’s worth it to find someone you can work with and trust and get useful help and advice from.

      1. Pearl*

        The deductible is definitely something I have to figure out. I have a fairly high deductible because at work they gave my boss a choice of either going up $1,000 extra on the deductible or all of us paying 20% more a month, so we chose the former. If my deductible does have to be met before the copay or whatever, then I will also have to factor in people with sliding scales.

        I really appreciate the details about how you found your therapist. Growing up I was in a more suburban area and your doctor was chosen for you because the insurance company would only cover 3 in the area and 2 weren’t accepting patients, that kind of thing. I didn’t really have a good picture of how you find a specialist for this kind of thing. Knowing ahead of time that it will take time and a significant amount of energy will make it easier to bear.

        It does feel like it’s a mountain I have to climb just to get to the point where I can talk to someone about stuff. I’m hoping that in the next couple weeks I will have the energy to really start searching. I know the earliest days of a break-up are the hardest and I don’t expect this to make it all go away, but unless I feel dramatically different once the pain starts to fade I think therapy is still a step I should probably take.

        Thank you again.

        1. TL -*

          Do you have an EAP? Because I just called my EAP, said I wanted someone who works in this area/off this subway line, specialized in Y issues, and they gave me a list of names. The first one was a really good fit (which was just luck.)

          1. Pearl*

            Unfortunately, no. There’s only about 5 full-time staff at work so we don’t have a lot of extra stuff. I did end up sending an email to my NP today asking for referrals, though, so hopefully she’ll see that before the end of the week and let me know if it’s something she can look into.

      2. Former Employee*

        I loved your “Pastor Mary Magdalene”. Did she engage in a different profession in a former life?

        1. Kuododi*

          Actually….the idea that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute is a myth perpetuated by Evangelical ultra-conservative Christian traditions. At the moment I am blanking on how far back the myth dates but I wasn’t the best student in Christian History during seminary. Just wanted to pass along the random trivia for the day! ;)

          1. Kuododi*

            As a follow-up to the random trivia… I looked up the myth of Mary Magdalene as a prostitute and apparently it originated with Pope Gregory in 591.

    4. LilySparrow*

      It’s “okay” to go to therapy for anything that makes you feel like you want help and support. There is no therapy police who will tell you that you don’t “deserve” to be there.

      On the one hand, since the breakup just happened, there’s not a specific problem that needs solving right now.
      But on the other hand, it sounds like you do have some clear goals and long-term patterns you want to address. Having a goal for therapy makes a big difference in how long you need to be actively working on stuff.

      Good luck, and I hope you find a good fit quickly and easily!

      1. Pearl*

        Thank you. I do feel like I need to be shored up a bit and I’m not sure I can do that on my own (although I also know this is extremely early to be looking for a “fix” to being sad).

        Thanks again. I’m going to try to do some writing about the goals and maybe that will help me search, too.

    5. Sunflower*

      Sorry you’re going through this Pearl. You should check Psychology Today- it’s how most folks I know find their therapist and it should be relatively easy to use the filter options to check out LGBT-friendly ones. Most therapist do free consult calls to make sure you’re on the same page- it’s absolutely appropriate to ask your therapist if they’ve worked with LGBT clients and if they haven’t, they should be able to refer you to someone who has. Are there any LGBT orgs or resources in your area? They may have a list handy for you as well.

      I started therapy after I was dumped and had the same questions. I think one of the biggest obstacles of getting up the courage to go is the thought that what we’re experiencing isn’t seriously enough. Almost everyone I know who goes to therapy does not have a large, out of the norm issue they’ve experienced- in fact, most of them started after experiencing a breakup or death of a close one- both things that the everyday, average person will encounter in their life. Don’t think of therapy as something people do to be fixed. Think of it as wanting to develop a set of skills- For me, I’m not great at relationships so I go to this person who helps me navigate that part of life.

      Any good therapist will be happy to see you for however long or short you need. It’s not uncommon to only go for a handful of sessions. You may have to try a few before you find someone who works but don’t let that discourage you. Also take care of yourself during this time and don’t put any pressure on yourself to be the perfect ex. It’s ok to lose it if you see your ex at social gatherings and you don’t have to be friends with them ever if you don’t want to- it’s not childless or immature.

      1. Pearl*

        I didn’t know how consult calls worked, thank you. I had this vague notion that you would talk before the first meeting but I thought that would mostly be about scheduling for some reason.

        Hearing about your experience and that of people you know helps. I have been through some things that were more “classically” traumatic than this, but this is the first time I’ve ever really felt like therapy might be something I should use while I deal with it. The skills thing is something I’m focusing on – I feel like I don’t have the skills to process this or look forward.

        I probably am putting a lot of pressure on myself right now because it’s easier to think about doing specific things than how much this is going to impact my day-to-day. It also helps to hear that it’s not unusual to go for a few sessions for a particular purpose.

        Thank you again, this was really helpful.

    6. Kuododi*

      I have mentioned before that American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (aamft.org) has a search engine to find therapist in your geographic area in USA. Just go to the website then follow the link to “find a therapist”. The search directory is by application only and is well screened. The bare minimum requirements for acceptance is a Master’s degree in a counseling discipline and a LMFT. (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists). Frequently there are clinicians on the site with multiple degrees and multiple licensures. I would encourage you to get some names, check with your healthcare provider and interview until you find the one who fits with what you need. As far as copay is concerned, most policies have some form of coverage for mental health care although it is usually woefully inadequate. The copay is what is left of what the insurance won’t pay per visit. For example…my insurance treats mental health visit as”specialist” visits so the copay is higher ($35 vs $25 for primary care)

      1. Pearl*

        I will try that site too, thank you. I wouldn’t have thought to even google those terms. Or to consider the first call an interview. I’m intimidated by medical stuff but it will help to think of it as a process that starts even before you sit down in the office.

        From what I could tell on the insurance site the behavioral health copay was higher than my regular copay, yeah. I may also make a call to clarify things once I’m a little more clear-headed, just to see whether my deductible could come into play.

        1. Kuododi*

          I can tell you when I work with a new client generally the first two or three visits are devoted to information gathering, goal setting, treatment planning, answering questions. (More or less depending on the needs of the client). I would work on solution focused, goal directed types of treatment. Each therapist is different but I can tell you all of the main stream counseling discipline have some form of a code of ethics that will mandate non discrimination toward LGBT. (Before I get bombarded with a bunch of exceptions to my statement…. I am painfully aware there are turkeys in every henhouse.). I still recommend first above all…thinking about the questions that are important for you to ask in order to feel comfortable with a therapist and take your time. This isn’t a problem you have to solve tomorrow!!! My very best wishes and know you are in my heart.

          1. Pearl*

            “This isn’t a problem you have to solve tomorrow!!! My very best wishes and know you are in my heart.” Thank you so much. I don’t comment here often but I read a lot and getting all this advice is making me feel less alone.

            I also appreciate your professional perspective on it. Planning sounds good to me, since it’s hard for me to imagine planning out even the next couple weeks at the moment. The main reason I want to find someone who specifically “markets” themselves as LGBT friendly is so I can discuss those aspects of some of my feelings about this with somebody who’s had experience having those kinds of conversations. But that will probably be easier in the city I live in now than the Southern suburb I grew up in.

            Thank you again.

      2. Lise*

        Charging a higher copay for mental health care is illegal. Federal mental health parity laws have been gradually implemented over the last few years. Per SAMHSA, “The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act (MHPAEA) of 2008 requires health insurers and group health plans to provide the same level of benefits for mental and/or substance use treatment and services that they do for medical/surgical care.” Insurers aren’t required to offer a mental health policy, but if they do, they have to follow federal law. There are some exceptions, so this may not apply to you. And if you’re already up to speed on the law, apologies. Maybe this information will help someone else.

        And Pearl, I know how tough it is find a provider who is sympatico, especially when you’re having trouble functioning and are in greatest need of help. Break the search into small pieces: set aside some time for calls and emails, take notes on who you talk to and what they say, and keep at it. And in the future – if you have a history of depression, it’s not a bad idea to have a relationship with a therapist that you can see from time to time. Saves scrambling to find someone when you’re not at your best.

        Having been a mental health ‘consumer’ for several years, I finally learned that it’s okay to say ‘No – ‘I don’t think that you’re the right person for me’. And then make the next phone call or visit to a new provider, until you’re satisfied with your choice. It’s worth investing your time and energy into an onerous task.

    7. zyx*

      I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s definitely not weird to start therapy because a relationship ended. When I’ve ended relationships with other women, it’s been especially difficult because our community is so small and we share a network of friends. (On the bright side, we’re used to staying friends with both halves of ex-couples!)

      A Google search for “lgbt therapy [your city]” might yield listings that could be a starting point. Your insurance might have a searchable index of providers, too. When I was looking for a therapist, I ended up having to go outside of my insurance because they don’t have enough therapists to meet demand, and my need for services wasn’t as acute as others’. My therapist offers payments on a sliding scale; lots of offices around here do that.

      Unfortunately, finding a therapist that clicks with you can be a process. Many therapists offer a free first session (or a phone session) so you can see if you click. If that person isn’t a good fit, they may be able to recommend someone else who does what you need. It’s not weird to ask for a referral to someone else; therapists do that all the time. If you search for someone who specializes in LGBT clientele, you will often end up with a queer therapist. I still don’t know my therapist’s orientation and would feel weird asking, but she really understands the details of non-hetero relationships.

      And your third paragraph is exactly the kind of thing that you should tell your therapist at the outset. They can help you better if they know what you hope to get out of working with them.

      Good luck processing the breakup and finding the help you need!

      1. Pearl*

        I really appreciate your first comment here. I know it won’t be even handed and I probably won’t hang out with all of them anymore, but my worst/most irrational fears were also losing my entire community in this. I’m trying to get my brain to calm down and take it slow, but the worst case scenario does loom. (But you’re right. I know people in our social circle who’ve dated and broken up, and the only awkward examples I can think of were after major blowouts, which is not what this was.)

        My insurance looks like it covers a decent amount of people, but depending on how this works with my deductible I may not end up using it and instead looking for sliding scales. I’m fortunate to live in a major city that seems to have a lot of doctors.

        “she really understands the details of non-hetero relationships” is definitely why I wanted to find someone with experience with LGBT clients, yeah. Everybody’s advice here has been really helpful. I of course would like it to be easy to find somebody to see, but knowing ahead of time that it will take some time and effort will go a long way to preventing myself from just giving up because I didn’t allocate my energy correctly.

        I think as I process I’m going to write down the third paragraph and my other thoughts about why therapy felt like a good option when I woke up today. Thank you again. I know it’s a long road, but I’ll just have to take it a step at a time.

    8. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Does your company have an EAP? If so, you can get a referral from there and it will usually cover 3-4 sessions.

      1. Pearl*

        Unfortunately, no. I work for a really small organization. There are like 5 full-time employees. I don’t really want to stay here for unrelated reasons, but in the meantime I think if I told my boss I needed to start a regular medical appointment I could add hours to my schedule elsewhere to make up for it.

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      I view therapy as someone who has to listen to your stuff after your friends and family don’t want to hear it anymore. In that sense, it can be a great outlet for you to say things that you don’t otherwise have the opportunity to express.

      My problem with therapy is that contemporary approaches aren’t always solution-driven. There is sometimes a big emphasis on the therapist merely being a sounding board in the hopes that you have your own epiphanies. They are not really the place to go if you need new ideas NOW.

      1. Pearl*

        Yeah, I definitely want to look into someone who is focused on building skills and stuff for that reason. My mom has limited coverage and went to a doctor for years who was just a sounding board and it didn’t help her at all.

        It’s obviously early and my friends are happy to listen to me ramble, but I know if I just talk without making any changes it’s going to take a lot longer to process anything. I also don’t want to overwhelm everybody and stay stuck in rambling mode. I went on the Psychology Today site people recommended and did see a few profiles of people saying their practice focuses on helping people with goal-setting and things like that. I’m not quite up to the full-scale research it’s going to take to narrow someone down at the moment, but it’ll be a question I ask during consults.

    10. copy run start*

      Do you have a local LGBT center or group? They might maintain a list of LGBT or LGBT-friendly therapists you can try.

      You can go to therapy for any reason you want to! And when you meet with the therapist, you can and should discuss what you want out of therapy. You can decided how often and how long you want to see the therapist.

      1. Pearl*

        My PCP is part of a big clinic that does LGBT care. They have their issues (the clinic, I mean, I like my doctor) but I may call them or just email my NP on Monday to ask for referrals. The behavioral health unit there has kind of a long waiting list and seems to be focused on more crisis management, so I think it’s not quite the right fit.

        Therapy in pop culture definitely has a mixed rep so I appreciate the reinforcement that it’s okay to go just because you feel like you need it. Thank you.

  48. Pollygrammer*

    Has anyone else been through PT? Is it really possible to force yourself to do the same tedious exercises every day for the rest of your life?

    I’m already like 2/3 off the routine and it’s only been a few months. For the most part I’m dealing with weakness more than pain, so it feels like there’s less of an immediate incentive even though I know the long-term impact of letting things get worse is pretty dire.

    1. SC Anonibrarian*

      Can you talk to your PT person and let them know you’re in a rut? Maybe there are alternative exercises that might work, or a PT class you could attend or a ‘reward’ system you could start, or… ? There seems like there have to be options, even if it’s just paying (or bribing) someone to be that annoying cheerleader friend who doesn’t go out to a movie with you until you’ve done your ‘homework.’

      1. Pollygrammer*

        LOL, I really do need an annoying cheerleader. And I’m thinking about finding a pilates class. They have a reputation for being better at working with injuries than a lot of fitness programs.

    2. fposte*

      Yup, been there and am there. I agree that it’s tough to do the same exercises every day of your life. What helps me is finding different ways to Rome and figuring out what’s most rewarding for me; most PTs generally offer a few exercises that they’re familiar with for focused strengthening, but there are almost always other options that that particular PT didn’t know about or that can help with maintenance even if they don’t directly target as much. If you’re trying to keep glutes strong, for instance, there are a lot of good options, not all of which involve standing around with bands tied to your ankle. It also helps not to believe that either you do the full 3000 reps each time or never mind. “Eh, I’ll do a couple while I’m watching TV” is a good way in that’s a lot less daunting and is still helpful.

      Do you want to share what you’re trying to strengthen and what your current exercises are? Might have some PT veterans here who can give you suggestions.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        I have a degenerative L5-S1 disc and some other back issues. My physical therapist gave me a bunch of core exercises and a few leg stretches for the sciatica. It’s all pretty basic–resistance bands, crunches, planks, wall sits, the fabulously named and very undignified “dead bug.” :)

        1. fposte*

          I will say, in my opinion as a long-term back patient, that there are a lot of different exercises that get tossed at people and their value to any one individual is kind of a crap shoot. I did a lot of exercises that didn’t do squat, if you’ll pardon a slight athletic pun, and have also found a few that weren’t initially assigned that have been very helpful.

          I am *totally* not a medical person qualified to diagnose or treat , but none of the exercises you’re describing has been particularly useful in my L5-S1 issues, and that collection would, pardon another pun, bore the ass off me. It’s also a lot of different things, which IMHO lowers the chance of compliance considerably after initial diligence.

          I’m a fan of the work of Dr. Stuart McGill, who does a lot of testing of how different exercises actually work on people, which sounds obvious but a ton of PT about backs warns you away from stuff that is believed harmful but doesn’t turn out to be and recommends stuff that turns out, when looked at closely, not to be all that helpful. He’s got a book that you might look for called “Back Mechanic,” which is his most lay-friendly work that focused, I believe, on four specific exercises.

          Meanwhile, I went to somebody who studied with McGill, and he focused me extensively on glute work; he also focused a lot more on holding a sustained position than doing reps. That’s definitely where I got the most bang for the buck. I also find my sciatica tolerates fewer harder reps much better than it does more easy reps. I’m having really good results from just doing straight-leg deadlifts with dumbbells of increasing weight right now. With my stenosis, it’s always a bit of a challenge for me to find something that strengthens at a rate that exceeds the nerve-irritation rate, and this is the best thing I’ve found for a while.

          One exercise you could try is just standing on one foot times when you’re standing around–brushing your teeth, cooking, waiting for a train, etc. Barefoot is most challenging but even doing it with shoes is going to work stuff. Keep your hips straight–don’t pop out the hip on the standing leg. It really works the musculature to hold you up, especially if you’re moving around to grab toothpaste or toss onion peels in another bowl, and it doesn’t take you any extra time. If you start to get better at it, then move the raised foot around slowly to forward, side, and back. If it bugs your sciatica, quit it.

          1. Natalie*

            That book sounds interesting! I don’t have any specific issues except being SO AWARE that I’m out of shape and have never had good core or back strength. It’s something I’d like to do better at so I don’t end up all hunchy like my grandmother.

            1. TL -*

              If it’s okay with your doctor, yoga does a lot of the same stuff and can be super helpful + going to classes is more motivating for some people.

              But check first, because it’s not great for everybody.

            2. the gold digger*

              I used to leave before the core exercises in class, but the day I tried to help the fallen middle-aged woman get up and failed, even though I am pretty strong, I decided not to skip abs anymore. She had so little core strength that it took three people to pull her up.

              I find core exercises on youtube. I know Fitness Blender and Bodyfit by Amy have been mentioned here. They both have bodyweight only core exercises. I also like Popsugar Fitness, the kettlebell core routines at Coach Ryan, and Tone It Up. (I get bored doing the same thing over and over.) I am determined not to be that old person who needs help to get out of a chair or who cannot get up if she falls.

          2. Pollygrammer*

            Definitely checking out that book, thanks! This is really helpful. And standing on one foot more I can do! :)

    3. DMLT*

      I’ve only done it to recover from an injury, but even for those 5 months it was tedious and hard to keep doing it. I cannot imagine for the rest of my life!
      I wish I had some good tips for you, but all I have is empathy and encouragement!

    4. Okay then*

      I only had to do it as a kid but I remember what helped me was having my sister do it with me (besides my parents standing over me). Is there someone who can do the exercises with you?

    5. Incantanto*

      I’ve weirdly found finding somewhere quiet to do it on my lunchbreak is actually really helpful (mine are leg ones so mostly standing/can be done out the back of the building.) It makes me go outside and wakes me up again at lunch. Still only about once a day instead of the twice I’m supposed to, but it helps. Also dealing with weakness.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      While, yes, you’ll need to do exercises for this for the rest of your life, you won’t be doing the same exercise program for the rest of your life. I would guess right now you’re in a building/recovery phase and hopefully at some point you’ll be in a maintenance phase which hopefully will allow for more variety.

      Fitocracy is a free app that allows you to sort of gameify exercise. There is a system of points and levels and a community. You could create a workout in the app (being able to save a custom workout does cost something) and then you earn points from the app and cheers from the other members for each workout you complete.

      I also like to workout to reality TV. Not anything like The Real Housewives, although you do you, but Home and Garden type shows. The formula is predictable enough you don’t really need to “watch” much: there’s a problem/challenge, the solution, the surprise problem and the reveal. No plot to track or snappy dialog that requires attention.

  49. Inky*

    Anyone from San Diego or Escondido?

    I’m going to be flying to San Diego this coming week and then heading up to Escondido for four days. I’m undecided yet if I will just go to Escondido on day one or spend a day in San Diego first. My evenings on all days are full, but I’m looking at things to do/see during the days. I have never been to California at all and am not at all familiar with using public transportation of any kind, but not really sure I want to try driving in that kind of traffic.

    Any tips of suggestions of favorite things to do and places to go?

    1. CAA*

      Unfortunately, if you’re going to rely on public transit, you may not get very far very fast. In Escondido, it’s just buses, no trolleys or trains, and they may not go where you want to. Traffic is really not that bad here during the days, just avoid the freeways during rush hours. If you leave the place you’re staying after 8:30 AM and get back there by 5:00 PM, you should avoid the worst of it. San Diego is not usually like Los Angeles, where it sometimes feels like traffic is jammed 24 hours a day. All bets are off if it rains though.

      The big attraction out in Escondido is the San Diego Zoo’s Safari Park, which is pretty cool. Make sure to take the tram ride around the big enclosure and go see the very adorable and active tiger cubs. They’re out in the mornings only, so you might want to make that your first stop when you get there. The California Condors are also pretty impressive if you’ve never seen one.

      If you want to head north a bit, Temecula has a nice old town area for walking and shopping. There are also many wineries up there if you want to do some tasting, though there are a few in Escondido too if that’s your thing.

      In San Diego itself, there are a wide variety of museums and the main zoo in Balboa Park. There are many miles of beaches to walk along, though the water is too cold for swimming. La Jolla is also a nice area for walking and window shopping.

      1. Inky*

        Thanks for the reply! I wasn’t really planning on relying on public transport, just super nervous about using it at all if it was good. I was mostly trying to decide between the hassle of renting and driving vs cab type arrangements. Also even if the traffic is ‘not bad’, to someone from a town of less than 4000, it’s sure to be worse.

        I’d been considering the zoo, just wondering if there was anything else worthwhile, since that’s the big one everyone mentions. I guess, thinking about it some more, I’m more looking for events or specialty places to go, as I have a lot of social anxiety and just … wandering around shopping/walking is the worst. It’s good to know about the transportation stuff though, thanks!

        1. CAA*

          Uber or Lyft can get you where you want to go, and that will be much easier than public transit, and maybe not that much more expensive.

          For specialty places to go, I definitely still recommend the Safari Park. Since you’re already out there in Escondido, you’re a lot closer than most visitors, and it really is a unique place with a focus on conservation and breeding of endangered species while giving them plenty of room to roam.

          For events and dining, this week is Restaurant Week, when lots of places have two or three course prix fixe lunches and dinners. Check them out at sandiegorestaurantweek dot com. Make reservations though, because everybody who lives here is going out to eat.

          The weather is supposed to be good, and this is a perfect time of year to go out to the desert. You need to rent a car for a day to do this, but you could easily drive from Escondido to Anza Borrego State Park. It takes about an hour and a half. Those are back roads through small towns, no traffic, and it’s an opportunity to really get a good feel for the different environments here as you drive through the farm country and mountain areas. Once you’re there, go to the park’s visitor center. If you like hiking, there’s a fairly easy walk into Palm Canyon, which is pretty awesome. You start out in this dry desert and hike about 1.5 miles into a box canyon to an oasis with water and palm trees.

          You could also go whale watching if you like being out on the water. It should be gray whale season, and you might also see humpbacks or blues, and there are usually always dolphins and sea lions and lots of birds. I highly recommend the sailing yacht America, which leaves from the Maritime Museum (a collection of historic ships that are also interesting to visit), but if their timing doesn’t work for you, any of the other tours from Mission Bay would be fine. There’s usually a groupon available for whale watching trips.

    2. Uncivil Engineer*

      Public transportation in San Diego County isn’t that great. You can usually get where you want to go but it could
      take a very long time. People mostly drive. I believe you would have to transfer twice just to get from the airport to Escondido. Like CAA said above, the traffic isn’t that bad except during rush hour.

      Most of the tourist attractions people come to the area for are in San Diego. One notable exception is the San Diego Zoo Safari Park which is in Escondido and is excellent. Otherwise, you will have a difficult time filling four days just staying in Escondido without a car. There are breweries and wineries and some good places to eat. There are also many hiking locations. Grand Ave is the shopping/historic area. You can get to the Safari
      Park and Grand Ave on the bus but I don’t know about the other places.

      With an extra day that you could spend in San Diego or Escondido, I would absolutely stay in San Diego. Besides Balboa Park, there is also Seaport Village, walking around downtown, Sea World, Cabrillo Monument & tidepools, and Old Town.

      1. Inky*

        I wasn’t planning on using public transportation at all if I could avoid it, unless people said it was great and super easy, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I think I’ll end up going with something like lyft, because I’m worried that ‘not bad traffic’ in a city of that size is still going to be far out of my comfort zone coming from somewhere with less than 4000. It’s sounding like I’ll stay that extra day in San Diego rather than spending all my time in Escondido though. Any additional suggestions on those good places to eat?
        Thanks!

  50. Nervous Accountant*

    I’m considering moving to another country. I know I’m grieving and I’m not making any sudden decisions right right now but it’s something to consider down the road now that this has happened. My mom plans to stay here rather than come back home w me and my husband for various reasons.

    I’m conflicted. I LOVE(d) my life, working driving etc; I’m still here in other country so idk how Id feel being back home (USA). I might find that I no longer love it and desire to move here. I might not.

    I’m making my list of pros and cons but honestly I don’t even know what I’d do if I moved here. A huge part of what made me enjoy my life was my independence and I’m only scared of losing that.

    1. Anono-me*

      No big decisions while you are traumatised. (If at all possible.)

      I suggest that you acknowledge the possibility of moving; then set it aside. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal and find your new equilibrium first before doing anything major.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Definitely give yourself a minimum of six months before making any huge life changing decisions.

  51. Sunflower*

    Has anyone bought extra dental insurance?

    In the next month, I have to get 2 implants and 3 crowns in the front of my mouth. Implants are not covered at all by insurance and are expensive as heck. In addition to that, I need 2 fillings and at least 1 root canal and maybe another crown elsewhere in my mouth. My current employer plan is good by standards- I get 2k for the year, fillings/root canals are covered 100% and crowns 60%- but I will run through that very quickly.

    I don’t want to get the implant work done at a dental school- I’ve already had complicated issues with implants in these teeth and it’s the front of my mouth. I’m not opposed to going to dental schools for the other stuff especially since it’s in the back of my mouth and we have a few close by.

    I’ve looked into additional dental plans but it seems really complicated and that there might be waiting periods. Would my dentist know about this stuff? I also wonder if my EAP at work can provide assistance with this. I’d love to find a way to get these implants covered but it seems only possible if they were caused by a trauma and covered by health insurance.

    1. CAA*

      As far as I can tell, independent dental insurance is almost never worth it. The maximum amount they cover seems to be about the same amount as you pay in premiums. I looked into it when we retired last year and asked around on the early-retirement message board where I hang out, and that’s the general consensus.

      Our dentist does give us a 15% discount now that we no longer have insurance, so if you know the work won’t be covered, you might inform them that you’re doing self-pay and they should not submit it for insurance reimbursement and see if they’ll lower the price at all.

      1. Earthwalker*

        That’s what I saw when I looked into dental insurance. It’s like saving money in their piggy bank. You give the insurer enough for one small dental procedure and if you need it, you get back what you put in, no more. If you don’t need it they get to keep it. But the maximum payout wouldn’t begin to cover major dental work. (Dental insurance seems to miss the whole point of having insurance.) OP, I’d second what others say about asking your dentist. And while some EAPs are narrowly focused, some have resources for locating all sorts of medical and family care, so it might pay to ask.

    2. Natalie*

      Talk to your dentist about staging the work. I’ve had good luck being upfront about it being a budget issue. Lots of people don’t have dental insurance so dentists are more used to discussing numbers than doctors IME.

      Since you have some wiggle room in your budget for payments, if you have decent credit you might look at Care Credit. Depending on the amount and procedure, you can get between 6 and 24 months interest free. Be forewarned that it’s a promo interest rate, so if you don’t pay it off in the interest free period all of the accumulated interest will hit and the rate is ridiculous. Thus it is not a good option for you if you’re not super disciplined with payments + have some savings you could use to pay it off in full if absolutely necessary.

  52. Jess*

    I am hoping for some eBay advice – I bought something that wasn’t in the condition described, and agreed a discount with the seller…but they are saying they need my bank details to make a transfer, and they can’t do it via PayPal because their account is in dispute. I’ve been insisting on PayPal so far, but as it drags on I’m wondering what others would do. Is providing bank details as dodgy as it feels to me?

    1. Kuododi*

      No NoNoNo! A thousand times no!!!! Giving bank details to someone online is a recipe for fraud, identity theft and all kinds of devious shenanigans!!!! The only people I would ever consider giving my bank details to are my sister and my dad….(both scrupiously honest) Don’t do it….!!!

    2. Courtney*

      Yes! And the fact that they’re having trouble with PayPal is also a red flag. I would absolutely not send them your bank details, that absolutely sounds like a scam to me.

    3. Pearl*

      Same – don’t hand your details over. If the person keeps complaining about it, tell them you’re going to complain to eBay (who might tell you to complain to PayPal). That might help move things along.

    4. Temperance*

      Don’t give your bank information to a known liar. I think you need to go through Ebay to rectify the situation.

    6. Meeeeeeeee*

      I used to sell on eBay and this is a big no – call, don’t email eBay. You’ll get your problem resolved much quicker. And if you don’t like the answer they give you, call back and get the rep that will do what you want.

  53. Purple snowdrop*

    I am barely holding it together today, so I’m going to post a list of the things I’ve managed to do in the hope that it makes me feel better. Any encouragement you can send my way appreciated.
    -I made breakfast for myself and Small Child
    -i made lunch for myself and Small Child
    -i made tea for myself and Small Child
    -SC and I went out for coffee, cake and Pokemon hunting
    -supported a friend who bumped into the terrifying ex
    -did a load of washing
    -washed up
    -bought card for SC’s friend whose birthday is soon

    Considering all I felt capable of doing for a good portion of the day was curling in a ball and crying that’s not too bad? Right?

    2. caledonia*

      You have tidied, fed yourself and other and went outside. Even one of these would be really good but all 3 is nothing short of amazing. one step in front of the other.

      I hope you are getting help with the emotional/head part of it.

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        Counselling and a well-being course. And yesterday I also managed to post to a select group on FB to say I was struggling and although no one could meet up I had some nice messages which helped.

    3. anon24*

      Sounds like you did amazing! You’ve accomplished much more than I have today, and I’m in an emotionally good place. Keep hanging in there! You can get through this!

    4. Anono-me*

      Not too bad . No.
      Impressive as all get out. Yes.

      Please don’t be harder on yourself than you would be on anyone else.

    6. Purple snowdrop*

      Well I’ve also shouted at small child :( and cried and cried and let SC watch far too much TV and used food for bribery.

      But. Yeah.

      I’m struggling and I’m planning to have at least half of tomorrow off. Any free or cheap tips for replenishing myself appreciated, because I feel like I was running on empty last week and I’m still going without having filled up yet :(

      Thank you all

      2. Blue_eyes*

        Other than the crying part, that sounds like pretty much every parent I know! As in, not perfect, but things most parents do to get through the day with small children. You’ve done a lot today!

      3. You got this!*

        You have done an amazing job today! So it wasn’t perfect. That’s okay. I’ve shouted at kids in frustration. As long as it’s not your default, it’s okay. SC will forgive you. And crying is okay. I often feel better after crying. One day at a time. You got this!

        1. Purple snowdrop*

          I apologized to him. He knows I’m doing what I can to get better and it’s not his fault (as much as a small child can do anyway). Poor kid. At least I do better than my own mum did there :-|

    9. Incantanto*

      Washing is a mental effort all by itself! And leaving the house for pokemon hunting :)

      All I’ve managed today is complain about the flu.

    10. Emily*

      If I accomplished all of that on a Saturday, I would feel productive and proud! You’re doing great, especially for someone in a bad emotional state.

      In response to your question about replenishing yourself, I’ve recently been trying to be more purposeful about my downtime – so rather than mindlessly wander the internet or check my phone, I’ll try to pick a fun thing to do – reading books, baking sweets, crafting (I like to draw and crochet), and watching a quality TV show (aka something I actually want to watch, not just something to pass the time) are some of my favorite activities. I also feel happier with regular exercise (in my case, that could be cardio, strength training, indoor bouldering, etc. depending on the day).

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      No kidding– you’re amazing! Everyone is fed, clothed and got out of the house. You are aware of and preparing for future events. You were able to comfort a friend (and step outside of your own troubles). This is all such good stuff. You’ll get through this. So you watch too much TV for a while. That won’t last forever. And we all shout occasionally. I think it can be a good lesson for your child if you apologize afterwards. Even Mary Poppins was snippy. Feel free to give yourself a time out when you’ve got Small Child. How cool would it be to have a parent who recognizes their bad mood and removes themself for a little break and comes back in a better mood. Life can be crappy, and you have the luck of being able to model coping strategies. Nobody benefits from you trying to get through this perfectly. You may not feel like you’ve got this, but you really do. Rock on!

    12. Purple snowdrop*

      The horrid thing about my life at the moment is, the ex is the only person who’s said the right thing about the possibility my job is disappearing. I needed to hear what he said about it. But I really wish it was someone else who had said it.

      I miss the nice parts of him. I didn’t at first. I do now. I still know I’ve made the right decision and all that, but right now I really miss those parts.

      2. Effie, who is living her life*

        I miss the nice parts about my toxic, abusive ex too. If there were nothing nice we wouldn’t have been with them.

        When I feel that way, I remind myself what I don’t miss.

        I don’t miss the alcohol.
        I don’t miss the lying.
        I don’t miss feeling ugly and sad all the time.
        I don’t miss being gaslighted.

        Hang in there. You’re doing just fine without him.

        1. Purple snowdrop*

          I tell you what, I was so relieved when I discovered there was a word for gaslighting. And also depressed that there needs to be a word for it. But DO RELIEVED.

          I don’t miss trying to make myself smaller all the time. I don’t miss the mean “jokes”. It was such a revelation when I posted on here months ago and everyone was like… “meanness isn’t ok”. It had never occurred to me before.

          Thank you!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Just as no one is totally good, also, no one is totally bad. You will meet many more practical, big picture thinking people as you go along. His foresight IS replaceable. There are nice people out there who can offer you the same foresight. And you can decide to develop your own to from watching what the accurate people are doing to forecast an event on the horizon.

        Grieve/cry it out, then decide that this one thing here is fixable.

      4. Paula, with Two Kids*

        I missed the “dream” I had of our life together. It was never reality… but I was deluded for so long. It’s all right to grieve what was good and the beliefs that shored up your life together.

    13. Alpha Bravo*

      That is a LOT! I was going to say, just put one foot in front of the other, but as I read through your list I realized – you’ve got this! You’re up and about, functioning, caring for your child, even managing to deal with social situations! Dude, I managed to get my grocery shopping done today and called it good. I’m home and in my PJs now. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but honestly, look at you! You’re doing great!

    14. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetie….you are the absolute Energizer Bunny in comparison to what I get accomplished on a typical weekend….(tend to the pups, check sugar, take insulin and other meds, feed self at semi regular intervals.). Be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself and Small Child. Blessings to you and your loved ones.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      You are skating by a lot of stuff here as if it is small potatoes.
      This small potatoes stuff is actually known as living life.
      It’s our rituals, the small things we do on a regular basis that provide a sense of continuity when all else seems to be chaos.
      It’s a bfd if we cannot even get to doing this small rituals such as meal prep or washing clothes. I mentioned earlier about a woman who lost her husband. She never learned to cook, he cooked. Guess what happen next? Her mental and physical health fell apart. Shattered. I will skip the details because it’s pretty awful. Do not underestimate the power of preparing and eating meals. It is the foundation for a better tomorrow.

      You had a good hard cry. You NEEDED to do that. This is not an optional luxury, it’s a necessity. In an odd twist, expect to feel a tiny bit differently over the next few days because of that good solid cry today. See, crying triggers a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy. You might catch yourself thinking in the next few days, “Oh good strong decision making today. What’s up with that??” It’s because you put in the time today grieving. Things will not stay the way they are now. They will change. You are going through your year of firsts, where everything is just so cumbersome and so labor intensive because it’s the first time dealing with stuff on your own. Next year things will be a tiny bit smoother because you have worked out some systems for dealing with some stuff. Meanwhile, be sure to get extra rest. This stuff is exhausting and the exhaustion alone can trigger some crying jags.

      I think I suggested looking into a drink with electrolytes in it. Grief pulls vitamins and minerals out of the body at a crazy clip. Getting some minerals into you will help over time. As you get more nutrition into you, your coping skills and problem solving skills will sharpen.

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        Going backwards: yes you did, I had forgotten. Thanks for mentioning that again. My food intake at the mo is still including too much junk food but I am making the effort to include more veg, especially green veg which I normally skimp on. I will look into electrolyte drinks.

        Yes I do feel much better today after the crying yesterday. I wouldn’t have spotted the causality there if you hadn’t mentioned it! I also had a doze on the sofa before as SC is keeping me from sleep a lot at the mo. That helped too. Hey did I mention that last week I went back to work after 2 months off sick?????

        I didn’t feel like I did anything impressive yesterday tbh but clearly I think that Most People get much more done than I do. S’weird isn’t it?

        I am going to see how slowly I can do the rest of the stuff that needs doing with regular sit-and-do-nothing breaks.

        1. Purple snowdrop*

          I also had a 2 hour meeting with the ex this week and had minor surgery 2 weeks ago. Maybe I really do need to give myself a break?!

          1. Not So NewReader*

            YOU WHAT? And you are wondering why you are tired/beat up? Holy crap.

            Okay. Step back. You are talking to a friend whose situation is remarkably similar to yours, she says all these similar things. I cannot picture for one moment you would say, “Friend, suck it down and do more, will ya?!” ;)

            Have I mentioned self-care that includes doing a logic check. Is it reasonable to do xyz on top of abcdefg? (Answer: heck no.)

            Yeah, the junk food also helps to pull the vitamins and minerals out of us, so that means there are two paths, the stress and the junk for the nutrition to exit our bodies. Promise yourself ice cream after you eat that salad. Bribe yourself, con yourself. If today doesn’t go so great, tomorrow is a clean slate, start over.

            You can make your own electrolyte drink.
            I use a quart mason jar.
            Fill it with water.
            Add: 1 teaspoon of sea salt
            And 1 teaspoon of baking soda.
            Shake it up.
            Drink half in the morning and half at night.
            I keep mine on the counter not in the fridge because cold things do not go well for my poor teeth.

            1. Purple snowdrop*

              I like the logic check. Makes sense. If I get back to planning my week that will help with both sides of that.

              I feel like this is a silly question but wouldn’t that drink make you sick? I’m guessing it’s not salty enough for that though?

              And yes. If it was my friend in a similar situation I would be much more forgiving :) It’s just hard when I’m responsible for SC, it’s hard not to feel like I’m messing up. Poor kid didn’t ask for any of this and he’s coping really well but it’s so hard on him.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                omg. crap. I was trying to type 1/4 tsp of each. So very sorry. I hope you see this.

                Teach SC about grief. Explain that heavy sadness is not just for deaths, funerals. Explain that is okay to be sad and here are some of things we do when we have heavy sadness (eat good foods, talk walks, visit friends, watch a funny movie, whatever list of things that he has seen you doing.)
                Maybe he would like to draw pictures or similar when he is having a bad day.

                I don’t think too many kids have a great childhood, just from what I am seeing around me. We can use the events around us as teaching moments. And, right, none of them asked for a rough time while growing up. To me, that makes it even more important to talk about coping tools. I am thinking of my father when my grandpa died (his FIL). Grandpa was the closest my father got to having a “real” dad. He knew Grandpa for maybe 7 years, then he died. My father took me to the funeral because I said I wanted to go. (I was five.) And he explained what we were going to do and what I would see when I got there. He carried me into the funeral parlor, it was pretty safe looking around while being in his arms. And that is the point, you son will probably feel pretty safe looking around while he is sitting next to you. I am sure my dad’s heart was broke in a dozen places.

    16. Effie, who is living her life*

      GO YOU!

      You not only fed and clothed yourself, you fed and clothed a small child! And you went outside!! And you did household chores!!!!! That’s more than I managed to do tons of times when all I could do was lie in bed and cry/not cry since I was cried out and my tear ducts burned.

      Think of it this way – you made your corner of the universe a slightly cleaner place!

    17. Purple snowdrop*

      Sounds like I need to recalibrate what reasonable people get done on a weekend!

      Today once Small Child was at his dad’s, I went food shopping and then *got a taxi home* [jazz hands] I don’t have a car and usually tell myself getting the bus home with all my shopping makes me hardcore. But today I got a taxi and hell it only cost a bit more than the bus would have. I then put everything away and watched Romy and Michele while lying on the sofa wrapped in a blanket. Just what I needed.

      Thank you everyone. Your comments really help. Thank you for taking the time to write them.

      1. Nerdgal*

        Just want to say, I have been rooting for you these last few months and I am very proud of you. ((PS)) [Cyber hugs]

  54. anon24*

    Health Insurance Questions!

    These are probably dumb questions, but I’ve been on my parents health insurance my whole life and so never had to deal with this. My husband gets his insurance through work, but it would be super expensive to add me, so I’m lucky to have had my dad’s insurance covering me. My husband’s coverage is also just ok.

    I have a tentative offer to start full time with a company that has cheaper health insurance, but it’s a PPO instead of an HMO, so I’m assuming it’s better(?) The person I interviewed with said that the reason it is so cheap is because they’re committed to providing affordable insurance, so they’ve been absorbing the rising costs of the premiums.
    We did the math, and adding my husband to my plan would only cost $20 more biweekly than keeping our plans separate.

    Question 1: Would you do it? It seems to make sense to put him on my plan since I plan on staying at this job for awhile, but what would the cons be to doing this?
    Question 2: I don’t understand how deductibles work. I have the option of a 500/1000 plan, or a 1000/2000 plan, and I’m not sure how to figure out which one I should go with.
    Question 3: How does it work adding him? I’m assuming he can’t just drop his insurance before open enrollment? Or can he? If he can’t, do I have to add him right away and pay for both insurances until he can drop it, or does him voluntarily dropping it count as a “life event” that I can add him to mine without my insurance being in open enrollment?
    Question 4: I know this is probably something my husband would have to check to get a definite answer, but my plan does not offer vision coverage. My husband pays extra for supplemental vision coverage, because he works in an industry where eye injuries are common. In most cases, is it possible to keep the supplemental vision insurance if he doesn’t have the company health insurance? It’s through different insurance companies (I believe) but I didn’t know if they usually make you buy them all.

    Again, I’m sorry if these are questions that seem obvious, but I really don’t understand workplace benefits well at all, so if you can answer any questions or just give me any advice in general I’d really appreciate it!

    1. CAA*

      1) No, I would not combine insurance just to be on the same plan. Unless the total out of pocket cost is cheaper to have you on the same plan, or unless he uses a lot of care and the quality of care is higher under your plan, it’s probably not worth it. $20 biweekly is $520/year.

      2) Generally a higher deductible means that your premiums will be lower because you’ll pay more of the costs out of pocket before insurance kicks in, leaving less for the insurance company to cover. If you don’t use much care, then the higher deductible is better. If you expect to use a lot of care this year, then the lower deductible will be a better value.

      3) He needs to check with his benefits coordinator to see whether you getting a new job with a health plan is a qualifying event for him. It probably is. If not, then he stays on his plan until open enrollment and then drops it. Him losing his coverage is a qualifying event for being added to your plan.

      4) In most cases it is possible to have separate vision insurance (through VSP or the like) without having a health plan, but he definitely needs to ask his benefits coordinator about this because the company could have their own requirements.

      1. Enough*

        For the deductible you generally want it to be lower. But it depends on what the deductible applies to. I used to have insurance where the deductible only applied to in hospital care. Everything was either free to me or had a copay. If the deductible applies to routine things like office visits and lab tests definitely go with the lower.
        PPO is usually considered better because you don’t have to go to your primary doctor for everything and the network of doctors can be bigger.

        1. CAA*

          The best deductible truly depends on how much care you use and your financial situation. For last year, I only had one medical visit that wasn’t counted as preventive, and it cost me $204. It would not have been worth it for me to pay the higher premiums all year to get a $3500 deductible instead of a $6000 deductible because I never got anywhere near either amount.

          I took a chance on possibly having to pay up to $6K, because I am (thankfully) in good health and have enough savings that I could pay that amount if I had to. I’ll really hate having to pay the full amount if/when it comes to that, but overall by choosing the higher deductible plans for the past few years I’ve saved way more than I’ll have to pay out.

          1. copy run start*

            To add to your comment, it’s worth it to check prescription coverage as well before making a choice. My companies high deductible plan doesn’t cover prescriptions as generously as the traditional PPO, so for me (who is generally healthy but has a few prescriptions that aren’t typical), the high deductible plan would cost me much more all together.

    2. Natalie*

      1) This can be hard to answer because a lot varies on how much health care he uses and how your coverages differ. But if he doesn’t have a high health care need, you’re probably fine just keeping him on his existing plan. If something happens in the future, such as him losing his job, you will have the option to add him to your insurance.

      2) A deductible is the amount of money you pay before your coverage kicks in. Most people are familiar with them in auto insurance: if you have a $500 deductible and have an accident with $2,000 in damage, the insurance pays $1,500. Health insurance is a little more complicated because a bunch of things are covered regardless of the deductible – annual wellness visits, for example.

      4) In my experience, eye *injuries* would usually be covered by health insurance, while vision coverage is for regular eye exams, glasses, and contacts. (And most health insurance covers a vision exam, just less often.) If neither of you need vision correction, you can probably drop this. Every place I’ve been has allowed for ala carte selections of health, dental, or vision, but he can double check with his benefits coordinator.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      You really need to crunch the numbers to see what will be cheaper based on your health needs. When we switched to a high deductible plan we looked at what we’ve spent in previous years and what we anticipated spending and compared the cost of premiums plus services. Even with a weekly appointment for me, annual check-ups and probably one or two extra visits for a family of 3, we save money with the high deductible plan. Part of that is because my husband’s employer prepays part of the deductible, but I think we’d be saving money anyway.

      The rest of your questions are best directed to your respective employer’s HR departments. There’s a lot of variation in insurance packages and HR policies. If the health insurance is going to be part of your decision in taking the job or not, then it makes sense to talk to the hiring manager for answers to your questions. It might be that even with the additional cost of having your husband on your policy you’ll still save money, but there are no set answers.

      1. anon24*

        Actually, the health insurance is more of a bonus in this job. I’m so lucky to get the offer for them, because they are the company I really wanted to work for, and without getting into details, working for them specifically is going to look great on my resume and do more for my future career than working in similar companies. Quite honestly I would take the job even if they didn’t offer any insurance.

        Out of curiousity, how does the employer prepaying the deductible work?

        1. Yetanotherjennifer*

          I honestly don’t know; it just magically happens so they probably just pay a certain amount per person through the insurance provider.

          1. TL -*

            My company did the same thing!
            My understanding was that anything for your deductible got billed to the health insurance company first, where the company would pay it until you hit your limit.
            So at the doctor’s office, all I paid was the copay; everything else went to insurance for billing first and then I’d sometimes receive a bill (that I didn’t have to pay) later.

    4. AnotherJill*

      Make sure that you and your husband can even be on each others coverage if you are both employed. My last employer did not allow spouses to be covered unless they had no options through their own employers.

    5. Melody Pond*

      I’ll answer the questions I can (I work in health insurance right now):

      1) I’m really not sure. It would depend on the specifics of the two plans in question. What’s covered and what are the benefits, versus the out-of-pocket costs.

      2) Deductibles are the dollar amount you have to pay within a one-year period, before your insurance benefits kick in. 500/1000 probably means that you’d have to pay $500 out of your own pocket for in-network doctors/services, and you’d have to pay $1,000 out of your own pocket for out-of-network doctors/services, before your insurance benefits kick in. So, let’s say you have a doctor who is in-network for your health insurance, and it costs $100 to go see that doctor. You’d have to go see that doctor five times (and pay a total of $500 of your own money) before any insurance benefits kicked in to cover you. Let’s say you went back to that doctor a sixth time. This doesn’t mean that the sixth visit is totally paid-for, it just means that your normal insurance benefits now apply. So if your normal benefits say that doctor’s office visits are covered at 90% (after your deductible), then you’d have to pay for 10% of the bill. If the doctor’s office visit bill is $100, that means you’re now going to pay $10 to see that doctor for the sixth time.

      3) It depends on his insurance and his employer, but he can *probably* drop his insurance whenever he wants. He can almost certainly drop his insurance at his company’s open enrollment period. The trickier question is – when can YOU add him? You can probably add him in three different circumstances: 1) when you’re a new hire, and you’re being offered benefits for the first time as a new employee; 2) during your company’s open enrollment period; 3) if there’s a qualifying event for him to be added to your insurance – most likely, if he were to involuntarily lose his own coverage. Him choosing to drop his own coverage, while still employed at his company, likely does not count as a qualifying event (“life event” as you called it).

      4) This is definitely something your husband needs to look into, with his employer and his current insurance. If his employer’s vision coverage is provided by the same insurance company that provides the medical insurance, then it depends on whether his employer’s contract with the insurance company is “standalone” or “integrated.” If it’s “standalone” then that means he can probably enroll in just the vision coverage by itself. If it’s “integrated” then that means it’s an all-or-nothing packaged deal.

      1. TL -*

        On 2, I just want to say that my deductibles worked very, very differently.
        I’ve always had doctor’s visits, both PCP and specialists, covered by a co-pay and my deductible only applies if I need a procedure done – imaging, endoscopy, hospital stay, sometimes prescriptions (but sometimes not) and even then, when the deductible applied and when something was covered depended on the plan (one plan I paid $500 for an endoscopy but getting a mole removed was covered; another plan. endoscopy was completely covered.) Physical therapy was also covered with a co-pay, not against deductible. Co-pay does not apply to deductible.
        This was in both TX and MA, which have very different approaches to health insurance.

        In general low deductible makes sense if you have a chronic illness that needs lots of monitoring/maintenance or if you’re at high risk for an acute illness or if you absolutely could not pay the full deductible in the event of an emergency but could pay the higher insurance rates month to month. High deductible is cheaper if you’re relatively healthy, at low risk for any acute illnesses, and would be able to cover the deductible if needed.

        For adding your husband to your plan, it might make sense depending on what his medical needs are – if he needs to see several specialists a year, for instance, the copay might be a lot lower on your plan. Or if he’s a runner and at high risk for injury and needing PT and your plan covers multiple PT sessions for less.

    6. the gold digger*

      My husband pays extra for supplemental vision coverage, because he works in an industry where eye injuries are common.

      If he has a work-related injury, workers’ comp (in the US) should cover it.

  55. Elf*

    I am having a really hard time lately being an atheist in the world. The invisibility, and the structural impediments, and the things people say and do (some innocently, some very not) seem to be everywhere, and its getting to me.

    Examples:
    A friend posted a quote on a group text: “If you don’t believe in God, you will once you have lain next to your overactive son while his body goes limp next to you, and he ever so faintly begins to snore.” She then got kind of offended when I told her (privately) that I knew she hadn’t meant it that way, but I found the quote very offensive.

    I have to hear the Pledge of Allegiance every day (work in a school). I won’t stand for it, because it was changed by statute in the late 50s to include the word god IN A DELIBERATE EFFORT TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ATHEISTS. A coworker asked why I don’t stand, and after I explained the conversation went like this:
    “You’re an atheist?”
    “Yes.”
    “But what were you born?”
    “An Atheist.”
    “But what were your parents?”
    “Atheists.”
    “But you have a kid!”
    “Yes, and?”
    It went on that way for a while.

    I was at a gathering of my (definitely secular!) choral group, and one member (who happens to be a rabbi) was consoling another member who lost her mother relatively recently. I was keeping my moth shut, because I didn’t think that she would find anything I had to say as comforting as what he was saying. However, then he flat-out said “Atheists don’t exist” while I was sitting right there. I said “Excuse me, atheists do exist” and he proceeded to argue with me and say a number of condescending things about various lie experiences and how they would change my mind. No. You just said that I do not exist and my experience of the world is invalid. That is not cool.

    I got in an argument with my son’s daycare because they think that devoting the month of December to Christmas is fine as long as they take occasional breaks for Hannukah. This included actually having a Santa Claus visit his classroom!

    I’m just so sick and tired of people trying to tell me about all of the things that I will experience that will make me not be an atheist. It’s wrong, and it’s insulting. I’ve already been through a fair number of those experiences myself (still an atheist) and I know people who have been through every other one I’ve heard cited and are still atheists (including the foxhole example).

    People get really nasty about any kind of pushback too, in ways that they don’t when people talk about being a Jew or a Muslim, and I can’t push back against a lot of the invisibility because there aren’t any atheist holidays to celebrate ostentatiously.

      1. Elf*

        Thank you :)

        I think it’s right about the death thing. That’s certainly been my experience in conversation.
        “You’re an atheist?”
        “Yes.”
        “But what about when people die?”
        “They’re dead.”
        “But what happens to them?”
        “They’re dead. Period.”

        It really freaks people out, and I don’t get it. I also don’t get the morals thing, but maybe that comes from being raised in an atheist household where morals were very important.

        1. nep*

          There’s zero basis in anyone’s argument that a believer will automatically be a better-behaved, more respectful human than a non-believer.

          1. Hellanon*

            My mother, a determined atheist, taught us that we had to do the right thing *because* it was the right thing, and not for some nebulous future reward.

    2. No*

      But why bring it up in the first place? You don’t have to respond when people go on about whichever religion they practice, you’re not going to change their minds any more than they’ll be changing yours. You said yourself that your friend appeared to be getting comfort from what the religious person was saying, yet you decided to butt into the conversation to argue your own cause and disrupt their conversation? That sounds incredibly inconsiderate.

      Also, what did you find so offensive about Santa Claus?

      1. fposte*

        It doesn’t sound to me like she’s bringing it up out of nowhere; it sounds more like she’s responding when people quiz her or insult her position. I may or may not have said something in the same moment, but do you think a Jew should have had to remain quiet if a minister had said “Jews don’t exist”? I take Elf’s point as being that some people who would have been really offended if any of these things had been said about Catholics or Muslims are okay with it being said about atheists.

      2. Elf*

        I didn’t make any arguments about what he was saying to her (and believe me, that did take some restraint – at one point he was talking about his encounters with the ghosts of MLK and his father). I only spoke up to ask him not to say I don’t exist if I’m sitting right here.

        Among other issues with Santa Claus (and they are many), is that if you talk about Santa Claus with my three-year-old, and actually bring in a guy dressed as Santa Claus and introduce him as Santa, then I will be forced to explain to my child that Santa isn’t real, and that may well have the result of my three year old repeating that to his classmates. If you don’t bring up Santa and I don’t bring up Santa, the whole problem can be avoided. I’d also like you to think about whether it would be ok to say equivalent things to a Jehovah’s Witness child (the answer is no, it wouldn’t, and therefore it isn’t ok to say it to my child either).

        1. Purple snowdrop*

          Ah I didn’t want Small Child to believe in Santa and this is what happened. He now strongly believes Santa is real and honestly when he finds out the truth he’s gonna be devastated. I hate that I somehow got overruled.

      3. Kj*

        Santa Claus is a somewhat- religious symbol (we can argue about how secularized he is, but that was the origin). I’m an atheist as well and I don’t plan on doing anything Santa-related with my kid. It just isn’t what we value and we are not religious (plus most parents end up lying to their kids about Santa- I’d rather not lie to my child).

        When people imply that atheists don’t exist or that they are “bad” or “evil,” it harms all atheists. I don’t share that I am not a believer for the most part, but I shouldn’t have to hide my lack of belief any more than a Catholic, Muslim or Jew should have to hide their belief. As fposte said below, if the rabbi had said Catholics don’t exist, would you be as calm about that? Would you tell the OP to be quiet? Worldwide, atheists are in danger- they are often persecuted and killed. There are very few members of congress who are atheists, because most people won’t vote for an atheist.

        1. Elf*

          Yeah, my mother took the approach of explaining “Santa is just pretend, but we’re going to pretend because it’s fun” with me, but that was a no-go with my kid because my husband is a culturally Jewish atheist.

    3. Temperance*

      I almost died in 2016 due to a freak infection. Booth’s grandmother suggested that my illness was God trying to get Booth back into the fold. (Yeah, I haven’t forgotten that assbag remark.) I wasn’t offended when other people told me they prayed for me or whatever, because this was an instance where there was nothing anyone besides an actual doctor could have done.

      I never once prayed during the ordeal, and my husband refused the chaplain. It didn’t make me believe in God. If anything, it made my atheism stronger. I got sick, and I got better.

        1. Temperance*

          I felt very smug when, a few years ago, she was fighting breast cancer and claimed that God would heal her “only if people who never go to mass or pray the rosary start going every week”, and then said that she would die unless we went to mass. (I’ve NEVER been Catholic, BTW.)

          She survived. I wanted to point out that it must mean God isn’t real, but I didn’t.

    4. nep*

      Sorry you’re experiencing stress over this.
      Heavily-atheism-leaning agnostic here.
      I find it funny — and crazy — that people think one who doesn’t believe should or would or could just switch it on, foxhole or not.

    5. SC Anonibrarian*

      I’m sorry, Elf. I’m atheist and I live in the Bible Belt, and I understand. It is unrelenting, insidious, and so tiring. An entire society of people either does not acknowledge that I exist, or even more frightening, actively wants me eliminated because I’m a threat to their worldview.

      I’m glad you’re speaking up – with my job I have to be closeted about a lot of my life, and I swear I die a little inside every time someone wishes me a ‘blessed day’ or makes a throwaway comment about ‘godless heathens’ or equates moralistic behavior to ONLY the adherents of their own specific religion. I’m so sorry. It’s a wretched feeling.

      1. Elf*

        I really feel for you there. I’m in the NYC metro area, which means it’s not nearly as bad for me, but also really depressing because this is probably as good as it gets in this country.

        1. fposte*

          I think having a small child makes it tougher. I’m in the middle of nowhere but an academic enclave, and I almost never encounter any unpleasant pushback, but I’m not dealing with school holidays and such. (Funnily enough, my biggest irritation has come from crunchy granola feminist spaces.)

        2. Managing to get by*

          Actually the west coast may be more tolerant than NYC, based on what people are saying here. I don’t know anyone, at work or personally, who cares what religion someone is, or whether they’re atheist.

          1. Elizabeth H.*

            Really? Wondering if it is because of student population. To me we have a crazy amount of churches (I live in Central Square and can SEE five Christian churches, the Islamic Society of Boston and a synagogue from my house alone!) so someone must be going to them.

    6. Nacho*

      Schools/offices celebrating Hanukah alongside Christmas always struck me as super weird. It’s obvious they’re only doing it to avoid seeming biased towards Christians, and frankly we only really celebrate it as an excuse to give our kids presents (it’s actually a pretty minor holiday, basically the equivalent of Cinco de Mayo).

      I’d rather they just celebrate Christmas like they want and carve out a couple of days around Passover to celebrate that instead, along with whatever major Muslim holiday they want to celebrate.

      1. Elf*

        Yes, it seems to me to be about the same level as Purim, gotta have the hamentashen :)

        The thing is, I don’t think there are many non-jews who can name *any* jewish holidays other than hannukah, unless they grew up in a sufficiently jewish area that they got Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur off from school. (and even then, they only know the name of it)

        1. copy run start*

          Okay your last paragraph made me laugh, because it’s me! (Atheist who grew up in a very Jewish area.) Yes, we got Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur off and no… I can’t remember the difference between them… or which one comes when….

          I was raised Christian and ended up atheist. While I will stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance, I do not speak the words “under God.” Personally I haven’t experienced discrimination for it, but I have heard of someone in my current town who was fired for being an atheist. So I keep my mouth shut tight unless absolutely necessary or I trust who I’m speaking with.

      2. Natalie*

        There is some interesting Jewish-American history there – a group of Reform Jews in Ohio started a lot of the modern American Hanukkah tradition, as a way to sort of assimilate but on their own terms I guess you’d say. (Link in reply) I don’t think it got a lot of attention outside of Jewish circles until the 80s as part of a sort of surface level inclusion.

    7. Triple Anon*

      I’m spiritual, but I don’t attend services or belong to a specific religious group. I get the kind of thing you described from both church goers and athiests. I don’t like to talk about my beliefs, but people bring it up. Usually, we have different perspectives on things and they don’t understand. And they get confrontational, judgmental, and all of that. A lot of people just don’t seem to get that people can have different beliefs without one being better or more valid than the other. If you don’t understand something, ask questions or research it in your spare time, but the forcing of beliefs onto others has got to stop.

    8. Melody Pond*

      I’m sorry. That sounds really sucky.

      If it’s any consolation – Christmas and Easter were both co-opted by the Christian church and originally had nothing to do with . The winter festival and the spring festival were both pagan holidays – which I guess is still kind of religious, but not at all the way we think about it today.

      Oh, and Mr. Pond tells me that Santa Claus is co-opted from Norse mythology! Apparently the original white bearded dude who went around leaving presents for people, was Odin!

      http://www.norwegianamerican.com/featured/dont-take-odin-out-of-yule/

    10. Not So NewReader*

      “If you don’t believe in God, you will once you have lain next to your overactive son while his body goes limp next to you, and he ever so faintly begins to snore.”

      As a church going person I find this offensive.
      Why doesn’t this woman realize this is the very thing that ticks people right off?
      No not everyone will find God by laying next to their dying(?) child. That is not how that works and as a matter of fact it leaves many people saying “Where is God?’ People have LEFT churches for this reason.

      Honestly, she makes religion sound like blackmail. ugh. Just no. no. no. no.

      That rabbi would make me RUN away, not walk away. Matter of fact I met an Episcopalian minister who scared the absolute crap out of me. No way should he be in a position of leadership.

      I am sorry this happened to you.

      1. Book Lover*

        It is a super weird quote but I think she is talking about a hyperactive little kid falling asleep? I don’t get it, though I admit the most peaceful parts of my day are when the kids are asleep.

        And that is a very bad rabbi. How very peculiar.

        I am culturally Jewish and religiously I don’t even know what. I try to be a good person because I want to leave the world a better place than I found it. I wince pretty much every time G-d is brought up and I hate the religiosity of the US because I would like to eventually figure it out for myself and want everyone else to leave me alone in the meantime. I didn’t teach my kids to believe in Santa and I tell them other kids believe in Santa and it is kind to not bring it up, but it isn’t my job to teach them to lie.

    11. Phoenix Programmer*

      I feel you. Atheist here too. I just lost my mom unexpectedly a year ago. I also just turned 30. Still Atheist.

      The things religious people say is so hurtful sometimes!

      “Your mom is in a better place!”
      “Your an atheist? But your so nice!”
      “Satan enters a house when person who doesn’t believe inside dies.”
      “How can you have morals if your an atheist?”
      “How do you know right from wrong if you don’t know God?”

      1. nep*

        Not meaning to be insensitive here — Genuinely interested in understanding this.
        I don’t get why ignorant comments stemming from a person’s beliefs or myths would be hurtful — or, as OP says, insulting.
        (Indeed — I cringe a bit when I hear people say things like ‘he’s in a better place.’ For a non-believer it might be cringeworthy. But why personally hurtful?)

        1. rubyrose*

          Not an atheist, but a Jew.

          When those types of comments come from someone who does not know me, I can write them off as being from someone who is ignorant and are living in their own protected world. They may still be learning about cultures or beliefs outside of theirs and I have hope that challenging them will force them to start thinking and growing. They may, perhaps, have made a decision to stay in a state where they are unfettered by thought or reflection. There is a lot of that in the world. I don’t like it, but I sure can’t control the world. I avoid those folks.

          But when they come from someone who knows me? That is another story. They have proof right in front of them that challenges their core beliefs and instead of doing some internal reflection on that they choose to just let it fly out of their mouth, apparently expecting me to guide them through their internal discussion. I didn’t sign on to be their therapist. It can be insulting because with their statements they are espousing a belief/world view that is ignoring my presence and my interaction with them. No one likes to be ignored.

        2. Phoenix Programmer*

          Just because someone’s hurtful comment stems from ignorance doesn’t make it less hurtful.

          These people truly believe that if I don’t follow their religion I can’t know right and wrong. That’s extreme and unfortunately pretty common.

          Please also think about the implications of these statements. If I can not tell right and wrong how can I be trusted in society?

    12. Elizabeth H.*

      For what it’s worth, these encounters you are describing seem to me like they are with people who would be rude, invasive, insensitive or offensive in any circumstance.

    13. Andrea*

      Atheist here too. It’s amazing the kind of things people will say to you, isn’t it? I’ve found a small group of friends who are also Atheists and it helps to know they’ve got my back when people are being shitty.

  56. Supanon*

    I just had to pop in and say that I got approved for an advance copy of the AAM book to review for my blog. I AM SO EXCITED!

    3. Bibliovore*

      I was waiting until next Friday. I read the advance and am happy to say that it met expectations. I recommend a copy for every new graduate before they start their first real jobs. I swear that when I was young I thought everyone else got the work playbook and I didn’t. Ask a Manager IS the playbook.

      I think the commentariat will be happy and pleased. That said there is an embargo (meaning that reviewers can’t review until publication date.) Therefore this is not a review but a recommendation.

      I would like to suggest. Those who support AAM’s work, preorder so that there will be recorded sales on the publication date. That is how the best seller’s lists work.

      Blurbs (positive quotes) are helpful.

      I suggest a thread with commentators in a sentence saying how AAM’s advice has helped in our work life.

      Here’s mine,
      ” I swear that when I was young, it felt that everyone else had gotten the “work playbook” and I didn’t. Ask a Manager IS the playbook.”

      1. Supanon*

        I have only done a brief flip through so far, but I like what I see. I’m so buried under other ARCs right now.

  57. MsChanandlerBong*

    I received some gift cards for Christmas that I will not be able to use (one of the restaurants doesn’t have a location in my town, and I hate the other two). I was going to sell them on Cardpool or Raise, but they only accept cards for these restaurants from certain sellers, and I am not one of those sellers. I can’t post them on FB, or the person who sent me the gift cards will know that I am trying to get rid of them. Is there anything else I can do with them?

    1. Turtlewings*

      Send them to me! :D Maybe ask around at work, (or if the giver was a coworker, some other context like church, the gym, etc.) to see if anyone’s interested in buying them off you.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I work from home, so the only person I encounter on a regular basis is my husband. However, you gave me an idea. I volunteer with a college student who would probably be able to use them, so I’ll take them in tomorrow and ask her if she wants them.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Duh. If she lives in my town, she won’t be able to use the one for TGI Friday’s since that’s the restaurant we don’t have. I’ll see if I can mail that one to my friends back home.

          1. Turtlewings*

            That might also be the one you could get away with posting on Facebook since you have an inoffensive reason why you can’t use it.

      2. former Chicagoan*

        You can post on facebook and easily make the post invisible to the people you don’t want to be able to view it — just make sure you change it back the next time you post something, or ALL your future posts will be invisible to said person(s) too. I learned that the hard way….

    3. Don't Blame Me*

      The only thing I can think of is posting it on Facebook and changing the settings for who can view your post to exclude any of the people who might get upset/offended.

    4. Anono-me*

      There have been local charities that asked for unwanted or just a little bit left gift cards. You might want to see if there are any near you doing something similar.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      I had an epiphany after I read all of your posts. I volunteer for the Ronald McDonald House near me, and they often give gift cards to guests to help with food expenses. I offered two of the cards to the RMH, and they are going to use them as gifts for the upcoming volunteer appreciation dinner. I will send the third card to my cousin back east.

    7. former Chicagoan*

      You can post on facebook and easily make the post invisible to the people you don’t want to be able to view it — just make sure you change it back the next time you post something, or ALL your future posts will be invisible to said person(s) too. I learned that the hard way….

  58. So not using my regular name for this*

    There have been some comments here about being a good LBGTQ+ allie or not a jerk. One of which was about straight people going to gay bars.

    A friend of mine is a gay woman. I am a straight woman with a straight male partner. Apparently most people can guess this about each of us based on appearances. Is it rude to/uncomfortable for other patrons if the three of us go to a gay bar?

    1. KatieKate*

      (queer woman here) As long as you were polite patrons, I think you’re alright! For the most part, I think people are talking about things like straight women going to gay bars for bachelorette parties and the like. As long as you treat it as a space you’ve been invited to, you’re not the example people complain about.

    2. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I think it’s fine for the three of you to go, because you are accompanying your friend! The issue comes when people who are obviously uncomfortable with LGTBQ folk show up at gay bars and claim it as their space. (also a queer woman)

      1. Incantanto*

        See, I would think this is not a problem, but I’ve been dragged to gay bars in london by a couple of gay male friends (I’m a woman) and I’ve never actually been able to get a bartender to serve me, is this common elsewhere?

        1. kc89*

          “but I’ve been dragged to gay bars”

          sounds like you weren’t thrilled to there, I wouldn’t want to serve you either

          1. Natalie*

            “dragged to the bar” is a common figure of speech in my experience, I’m not sure I would read too terribly much into it.

    3. Nacho*

      You can go to hang out with your friend, but I wouldn’t go without her. They’re not really for you, and there’s no reason for you to go if you’re not going with someone they are for.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        The typical bar isn’t really meant for women either. At least not women who want to feel safe and left to their own devices.

        1. Nacho*

          Then find one that is, but don’t takeover somebody else’s bar just because you aren’t comfortable at the ones advertised for you.

          1. Stellaaaaa*

            As per my other comment, I’d prefer that we focus on the men who make typical bars uncomfortable for women, instead of telling victimized women that they’re not welcome in places that feel safer for them. The women are not the root of the problem.

            1. Natalie*

              This seems awfully black and white. There are more bars on heaven and earth than the one from The Accused and gay bars. Plenty are perfectly sedate and welcoming (probably more welcoming than your average gay bar tbh) or even mainly female spaces.

              1. Stellaaaaa*

                Fixing the reasons why hetero women are rejecting hetero bars will resolve the domino-effect issue of straight women preferring gay bars.

                1. Natalie*

                  I’m assuming this is misthreaded since you didn’t actually respond to what I said.

                  Regardless, I’m not clear on why cishet women take precedence such that GLBT people have to give up their space, but you seem rather dogged on the point so I’m going to leave it here.

            2. Quiet lurker*

              Straight women can and do victimize lgbt women, so no. Make your own safe places instead of expecting lgbt people to do all the work.

            3. Triple Anon*

              I’ve been thinking about how we need better bars. We have straight (male focused) bars and we have LGBT+ bars (but most of those focus on gay men). There is a need for more. And this is a business opportunity! People should start new types of bars. There is a lot of potential there.

              2. Elizabeth H.*

                What the heck? Are “straight bars” not appropriate for women somehow? Where are women supposed to go if they want to meet or pick up a guy or get picked up?

    4. DanaScully*

      Lesbian replying. I am quite comfortable to share LGBT+ space with people who are respectful, considerate and don’t cause any issues for us.

      I think as long as you use respectful language, don’t cause trouble, and don’t stare at people doing queer things, you should be okay. :)

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Honestly, it’s easier for people to get mad at well-meaning but imperfect allies than to get mad at people who don’t try at all, because the people in the former category will actually sit through the conversation. It’s also easier to lambaste women for feeling unsafe in straight bars (and therefore safer in gay ones) than it is to confront cis men for creating the problem in the first place.

      If someone gives you crap for being in a gay bar, tell them all the reasons why you don’t want to go to straight ones. That’s the problem that needs solving.

      1. Agnodike*

        “I don’t feel safe in my own space so I decided to take yours since you have less social power than I do; if you don’t like it, solve my problem for me” isn’t so much allyship as it is outright oppression. If you think of yourself as an ally, don’t do this.

        1. Nacho*

          White feminism in a nutshell: Solve my problem for me, and as a side effect, we might manage to take a couple of steps towards solving yours.

      2. Monte*

        I’m sorry, but this is awful. It’s not some requirement that straight women have a place to hang out, gay folks be damned. Should we fix the toxic culture in hetero bars? Sure. But that doesn’t mean straight women get to invade gay spaces. Gay dudes should be allowed to have spaces that are theirs. Lesbians should be allowed to have spaces that are theirs. Cis hetero women don’t just get to camp out wherever they want until “someone” fixes the straight bars. This is not “the problem” that needs fixing in the world.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          Then straight women in gay bars isn’t a problem that needs fixing in the world either. It’s all well and good to parse out ideologies online, but in practice, you can’t try to keep certain groups of people out of public places of business.

          1. Agnodike*

            Nope, sometimes marginalized people need their own space because guess what? You can’t tell which member of an oppressive group is going to be cool and which is going to start being awful at the drop of a hat at the outset. Living with oppression is EXHAUSTING. Marginalized people need spaces to be in community and take a break from it. The needs of relatively privileged people don’t enter into it. You can’t legislate straight people out of gay bars, as you point out, but that’s not what the question was. The poster asked what the behaviours of a good ally are, and I can tell you that feeling entitled to a space for people with less safety and privilege than you ain’t it.

          2. Sylvan*

            Of course in practice you can’t ban straight people, but we can certainly think it would be nice to have spaces to hang out with other LGBT people. LGBT people aren’t just here to be straight women’s break from men.

    6. Bobstinacy*

      Queer woman here, just go you’ll be fine. The issue is when straight people go to a gay bar and get mad/offended when they get checked out or hit on by a queer person. As long as you’re there to have a good time and aren’t a jerk most people won’t care.

      1. Temperance*

        I find that to be really assy. Nothing more rude than a bachelorette party in a gay bar. I do go to gay bars regularly, because many of my friends are gay/lesbian/queer.

    7. So not using my regular name for this*

      Wow, I have started and deleted 1000 follow ups to my initial post. My SO and I are not looking to usurp someone else’s safe space.

      The three of us would like to go out and socialize together.

      My friend has suggested that we go to a specific bar, because it is the one she feels safe going to as she identifies as a gay woman and as a POC.

      My partner and I don’t feel comfortable overriding her choice of bars. So it is a case of go or don’t go to that bar.

      I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts. I would especially like to thank the people shared their thoughts and identified as gay, queer or lesbian women.

  59. Foreign Octopus*

    My darling, wonderful, adorable little cat is currently sick. With a cold. Which I didn’t know was possible.

    She sounds like Darth Vader at the moment when she breathes and she sneezed in my face the other day, snot everywhere. I suppose I should be grateful she licked it clean but I’m not sure. She’s also so tired with this cold that she can’t be bothered to walk to the bathroom to pee and so I’ve had to strip my sofa down, wash the throw, the cushion cover, and the cushion after she decided to use that as her bathroom instead.

    I love her deeply but this past month has just been health issue after health issue with her, and I’m looking forward to this passing.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh my stars, I just realised what that sounds like!

      I’m looking forward to her sickness passing, not to her passing away!

      1. Turtlewings*

        Ngl I’m really glad you clarified that! XD Maybe you can put a pee pad under her? Poor thing, I hope she feels better soon.

      2. nep*

        I read it as ‘I’m looking forward to this suffering and ordeal passing and to resuming joy-filled moments with a healthy cat.’

    2. Veronica*

      Oh dear. I don’t mean to frighten you, but upper respiratory stuff can be more serious in cats than it usually is in people. I hope you are able to take her to the vet.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        She actually picked the cold up at the vet. She was there last week where she had the full works done on her (the vet and I both thought leukemia because she was so bad at the time) and had to stay overnight. The overnight stay and then the journey in the car back and forth did not make for a happy cat.

        Fortunately it’s just a reaction to the stress and staying at a place with other cats – she’s an only child – but if she gets a cold again without those variables, she’ll be back at the vet’s before she knows it!

        1. copy run start*

          My cat got a cold after being boarded for a week. It’s disgusting but he was better by the end of the week. Nothing has happened since, and he’s also an only cat.

    3. nep*

      Oh that is rough — the combination of her suffering and doing some quite unlovable things. Hope she’ll be better very soon. You’re a good human.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        To be honest, she looks so pathetic that even peeing on the sofa borders on adorable rather than unlovable, but I think I’m just a soft touch.

    4. Okay then*

      Try giving her lysine – it helps kitties get over colds. I used that and humidifiers when my cat got sick and it cleared her right up.

      2. Cookie D'oh*

        +1 to the lysine and humidifiers. My tabby boy got a cold from staying at the vet. Make sure she is eating and staying hydrated. I had to mix up a slurry of water and wet food and feed him with a syringe since he wasn’t eating on his own. That lasted about a day and he started eating on his own again. It took a few days for him to get fully better. It’s tough because they have no way to communicate how they are feeling. Hope she feels better soon!

    5. Phoenix Programmer*

      Snot and sneezing in cats is frequently feline herpes. Try lysine. Also if they are really sick/fatigued they need a vet visit after a couple days.

    6. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Cat colds are just awful to deal with. Are you seeing eye discharge? Cause mine just wipe their faces on me… so gross. Luckily, it’s very rare for mine to get sick. Washable blankets everywhere. Protect the furniture.

  60. Incantanto*

    I have a disgusting cold that lead me to take sick leave yesterday and I’m so annoyed as I had such plans for this weekend. Any advice on good non-mentally taxing TV to watch?
    Also, I’ve now cancelled on a date with one guy due to an instance of dead trains (or, more accurately, the dreaded fatality on the line that means nobody is going anywhere), and this cold. And I really like him. Help.

    1. EmilyG*

      I was horribly sick last weekend and really enjoyed The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon! (Which had been a tip from an online friend who was sick the weekend before last…)

      1. Incantanto*

        Thanks! I’l check it out. Bloody cold. At least its now, not on my first ever business trip next week, but I am sad about my weekend.

    2. Nacho*

      Cartoons are usually great for that kind of thing, especially Saturday Morning style ones.

      I downloaded the full five season run of Jackie Chan Adventures earlier, and now I just watch that whenever I’m too tired to actually think about what I’m doing.

    3. Cookie D'oh*

      I’ve been watching The Good Place on Netflix. Not sure if its available on “regular” TV. They are fun half hour episodes and don’t require too much attention to detail.

      3. Jillociraptor*

        I’m down for the count with a cold this weekend too, and we’ve watched all of season 1 of Riverdale. It’s SUCH good curl-up TV!

  61. oranges & lemons*

    I’m collecting inane and goofy professional jargon for a writing project. Please share your best finds! I will take jargon from any field, related to any subject. Buzzwords and cliches especially welcome. Also weird job titles.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Head of space weather is a real and serious job title (in a lab)
      Director of sleep is a real but stupid job title (for a hotel chain)

    3. Elizabeth West*

      LOL
      I was doing market research at OldExJob once for places that had installed our widgets. One of them was a very posh country-club type thing, and they had — I am not making this up — a tennis butler.

      Yes, a butler exclusively for those playing tennis. I assume he brought you drinkies and handed you fresh towels as an attendant would, but the job title made me cry laughing. I pictured all these snooty people bounding around all sweaty in tennis whites and Jeeves waiting patiently on the side, dressed in tails, with a towel and doing the British blank stare.

    4. Hello*

      I don’t really know if this is what you are looking for and/or how well it translates into English but if we have a prescription from a vet in the pharmacy, we’ll say stuff like “there’s a vet on the table”.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      “Subitize” was in the program of studies (for math, I think) a few years ago. It means “to realise how many things are in a space without counting”. So essentially, if you roll dice and you know how many spots on the dice, without counting them, you are subitizing.

  62. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I’m so late today, but let’s talk about TEA. The post the other day about things that make work better revealed that there are quite a lot of tea aficionados here.

    My go-to tea brand is Adagio. They are high quality and reasonably priced. Plus the fandom blends are fun.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Rishi Golden Yunnan is incredible — but it’s a splurge.

      My standard tea is from The English Tea Store — their varietals are beautiful, and their black tea blends are so so good. I drink their English Breakfast Blend No. 1 every day. Upton Tea has AWESOME loose leaf black teas, truly special stuff.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Adagio has a Golden Yunnan in their Masters collection that is to die for. I managed to score a sizable tin when they were having a sale and I use it sparingly.

        English Breakfast is a good solid morning tea and it’s one of my usuals. I also like Black Dragon Pearls and Earl Grey Lavender.

      2. Zathras*

        I love Upton Tea, I order all my tea from there. I drink a lot of Lapsang Souchong and have tried several of theirs, all were amazing.

        My favorite thing about them is the sample sizes, where for $1-$2 (depending on how pricey the tea is) you can get enough tea to make a few cups. It’s a great way to try out something new.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I cannot drink Lapsang Souchong so I’m super impressed that you can!

          Adagio does samples too and I love to try new things that way.

          1. Zathras*

            Supposedly it is an “acquired taste” but I loved it the first time I tried it. I must have acquired it in a previous life. ;-)

            The funniest thing about it is that I will brew a cup and someone will wander past and ask “Do I smell bacon?” This happens all the time – I guest the smoky smell reminds some people of smoked meats.

            I’ll have to try Adagio based on all the positive comments here – I’m always on the lookout for more great tea. Good to know they also do samples.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Twinings Lemon Ginger is my favorite flavor. Thankfully, it’s available in the US now as well.

    3. CAA*

      I love Adagio teas. I’m a big fan of their Cherry tea, which I know some people don’t appreciate, but I love it. Also, I firmly believe there is no such thing as too much bergamot, and their Earl Grey Bravo is one of my favorites. If you like lavender (which again is not everyone’s favorite flavor as some people get a soapy taste from it), then the Lavender Macaron and Lavender Lemongrass fandom teas are excellent. For just plain black tea, Ceylon Sonata is my go-to flavor. It’s got a nice clean taste.

      I got some Davidson’s teas as a gift last year, and I could really tell the difference in quality between their stuff and Adagio. This year I got a sampler of Red Blossom teas for Christmas and I’m enjoying them, but I’ll go back to Adagio once they’re gone.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Earl Grey Lavender is my absolute favorite. Have you tried the Earl Grey Bella Luna? It’s only available for sale during the full moon. It’s good, but you have to be very careful not to overbrew it or it becomes very astringent.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      I’d like to recommend my favourite Canadian tea supplier, Murchie’s–they’re out of BC and do lovely stuff. They specialize in black tea blends and oh man, they’re all so good. I usually get my mom one of their boxed collections for holidays, and I’ve never had a bad pick.

      Also their iced tea mix is amazing. It’s the only thing I want in the summer.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Oooh, my bestie lives in BC. She usually goes to David’s, but I’m going to have to ask her about this one!

      3. Jules the First*

        I still import Murchie’s number 10 into the UK….I literally cannot live without it, even after nearly 12 years here.

    5. Still working on the user name*

      I am 100% here for this conversation. I love Adagio, too, particularly their Earl Grey blend (not sure which one – it seems they have infinite variations – it’s the one ThinkGeek uses for their “Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.” Star Trek tin.)

      My favorite source for loose leaf Chinese tea is Little Red Cup – I highly recommend them! Their Green Mao Jian and Yunnan Black in particular are fantastic, and their Jasmine Green is my go-to for lazy weekend mornings.

    6. Wrench Turner*

      My favorite in the world is “Special Gunpowder” loose tea I find at Asian focused international marts. It’s roasted green tea that is rolled in to these little balls – looks a lot like gunpowder, hence- and makes a super strong delicious tea. My favorite way to have it is to add a few tiny pieces of fresh minced ginger before putting in the water. No sugar, just as strong as you can stand it.

      1. Still working on the user name*

        I love making fresh ginger tea, but I never would have thought to combine it with Gunpowder tea. I am definitely going to try this – it sounds great!

    7. Okay then*

      For looseleaf, I do David’s tea, specifically the Buddha’s Blend (white tea with jasmine and hibiscus) but they have several other flavors I like. For bagged, I’m not as picky but I tend to drink looseleaf the most.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        My favorite David’s blend is the Super Ginger. I am still mourning that they changed the Glitter & Gold blend so it doesn’t actually sparkle anymore.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      My go-to is Bigelow brand, Constant Comment flavor. It’s a black tea with a bit of spice and orange flavor. So delicious! I recently tried David’s Tea (not sure if they’re local or national) in the Hot Chocolate flavor. I also like the tea they sell in Colonial Williamsburg, which is basically just roasted cacao shells that you steep using a tea ball. Oh, and I like a good peppermint tea.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I keep my desk drawer at work stuffed with tea, and Constant Comment features prominently. One of the things I love about it is that the cup isn’t ruined if I get tied up and it steeps for 30 minutes instead of 5. My boss generally dislikes hot tea, but I got her hooked on this one.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        David’s is actually international! At least they are in both the US and Canada.

    9. Tea, please*

      LOVE this thread! I’m excited to learn about Adagio. Will check that out.
      I love Rishi tea especially their Chai. Otherwise I buy tea from local places, Tealux and Fazenda.

      I was lucky enough to go to India about 10 years ago and spent some time in Kerala on a tea plantation. Drinking tea there is one of my top 5 food memories. I’ve framed the (empty) bag of orange pekoe tea I bought there because it was so amazing.

    10. nep*

      I was surprised to find that I really like Celestial Seasonings Cranberry Apple Zinger; it’s the only flavored tea I like and I’ve tried several. Other than that I drink plain decaf green tea — whatever brand is on sale at the grocery store. Yeah — not much of a connoisseur.
      (I often throw some dry tea in the mix when I make bars…the Cranberry Apple Zinger gives them an interesting flavor.)

    11. nep*

      The tea tradition in parts of West Africa is lovely. You can always see people making tea, served in what look like whiskey glasses.
      When it’s offered, the maker will commonly specify — or the drinker will ask — whether it’s the first, second, or third; that’s to do with how strong it will be. It’s gunpowder tea and the maker keeps adding water to the same little pot and heating it up. (And lots of sugar.) I always had to graciously decline the first glass.

    12. Merci Dee*

      My daughter and I go rather frequently to a bed and breakfast in the next town over because they have an amazing tea room. Just about every time we visit, we come home with more loose-leaf tea. I have no idea who their supplier is, but the tea is phenomenal. We always choose a flavored black tea, though we usually try new flavors each time we go. Favorites include: snow flake (almond, coconut, and spice), peach-apricot, spiced pear, chocolate cherry, sugar plum spice (plum, cinnamon, and spices), nutcracker sweet (apple, cranberry, almond, and cinnamon), spiced caramel apple, peppermint bark, and German gingerbread (ginger, cinnamon, cocoa, and star anise). We’ve got 13 varieties of flavored tea, and we enjoy a cup most weekends.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Oh, and Falling Leaves, which is a nice rooibos with almond and maple flavors. Kiddo also loves her roasted apple green tea, but green teas aren’t my thing.

    13. Not That Anne, The Other Anne*

      I am such a tea fiend. My tea shelf is one and a half shelves, and I have to watch that it doesn’t try to be two. At work, I have my own little tea section in my desk drawer so I don’t have to drink the supplied teabags.

      I like Adagio. Good quality, good prices, and so many options. I did their Better Tea Club for awhile and would take it to work for my work tea, but the flavors started repeating, so I discontinued it.
      I also like T2, which I discovered because it was the supplied hotel room tea in Australia. I am so happy that T2 has stores in the US now, so I don’t have to wait till my next trip to Australia or pay international shipping to get my tea.

      In terms of blends, I tend towards black teas that are not particularly fruity. Earl Grey anything, Irish Breakfast, Vanilla, Melbourne Breakfast (T2 has a line of “breakfast teas” for different cities), etc.

    14. HannahS*

      In Canada, plain old President’s Choice Orange Pekoe (in the white/orange box) is my favourite for everyday. It’s actually a really solid, strong, flavourful tea and IMO a big step up from Red Rose or Tetley.

    15. Tea, please*

      In the summer, I make cold brewed mint/green tea. We use mint from our garden to make a syrup for sorbet. I take the left over syrup/mint leaves and mix it with loose leaf green tea to soak in the fridge overnight.
      So refreshing.

    16. AcademiaNut*

      I’m lucky enough to live in a tea growing area, so we get some *really* nice tea at affordable prices, even from the grocery store.

      The local speciality is oolong, with a variety of types (Iron Goddess, Oriental Beauty, High Mountain). They come loose, with whole individual tea leaves rolled up, and you can get more than one steeping out of a batch of leaves. The ‘tea flowers’ are cool too – a ball of tea leaves that you put in a cup (preferably glass), which opens out into a tea flower, with a dried real flower in the centre.

      In the summer, going up the mountain to the tea houses is a nice way to spend an evening. The tea is brewed in a little tiny teapot, and drunk out of little tiny teacups (with a special cup for sniffing the aroma, if you’re being fancy), as you eat local dishes and watch the view of the city.

      On the sweeter end, we’ve got milk tea and fruit tea. The famous type is the bubble tea, but there are lots of variations. The nice thing about the tea shops here is that you can custom order the level of sweetness (from full sugar to none) and ice.

      I also drink herbal teas, particularly in the winter when it’s cold. I tend to like fairly simple ones, rather than blends – fennel, peppermint, chamomile. Carrefour has a nice peach-blackcurrant blend.

      I’m also fond of Japanese genmaicha and hojicha. The first is green tea with toasted rice, which has a light, nutty flavour. The second is a roasted tea with a deep rich flavour.

      For iced tea, I tend to drink it unsweetened, and usually jasmine, or a jasmine-mint blend.

    17. Lissajous*

      Mariage Freres – French Breakfast is my absolute favourite, and everyone I have introduced to it loves it.
      As far as I can tell it’s a blend of oolong, darjeeling, and something else. It’s a very light black tea; don’t over-brew it or it will go bitter (I suspect that’s the suspected darjeeling). Done right it’s a lovely warm, round tea, with a cocoa undernote. Perfect for cold rainy mornings!
      In Australia you can get it from Simon Johnson stores. US I have no idea, sorry!

      It’s summer here, so I currently have a heap of ice teas on the go – a white chai and one that tastes like hot cross buns, both of which I make strong and sweeten a bit, then mix 50/50 with milk and add a bit of ice when I drink them. And non-sweetened I’m currently alternating between a sencha quince and a green tea with toasted almond flavouring. All of those are from T2 for the fellow Aussies – the almond green tea is Jade Mountain, and the hot cross buns one was Baxter’s Buns, which was a limited edition one last Easter but I’m hoping they make it a yearly thing.

      Korea has some amazing leaf teas, and a lot of variety. Barley seedling tea in particular I loved – a lovely, almost nutty flavour. Definitely recommend trying if you see it! (I’m still stocked from my trip over there, so I haven’t had to find it here yet.)

      1. Jules the First*

        Also seconding the Mariages Freres French Breakfast. Do watch out, though – they also do a Paris Breakfast which is totally different (I will happily add lemon slices to my tea, but can’t abide tea with citrus peel already in it….)

    18. Confused Publisher*

      This is a conversation I am all ears for! My tea collection rivals my spice collection, and the latter is extensive.
      I’m in the UK, so Twinings tea (loose leaf and tea bags) figure prominently (Earl Grey, Lady Grey – the Earl but with added citrus and cornflowers –, and assorted herbal teas, all featuring citrus and or ginger very prominently). I’m also single-handedly (or so it feels like) keeping Suki tea, the local T2 shop, and all the Lipton lines of tea alive. PG Tips is the most common ‘builder’s brew’ around here, but I’ve been lucky enough to go to tea plantations in North India (Darjeeling, where the blends of that name come from), and I’m a bit choosy about my black tea.

    19. House*

      I permanently boycott Adagio due to their utter shite customer service during Hurricane Katrina.

      I ordered an e-mail gift package for a friend in New Orleans, because she could not receive mail in the aftermath of the storm. It never came. When I complained, they were rude, sent her a coupon code in plain text that was NOT what I’d ordered, and were even more rude when I tried to get that second mistake fixed. I will never do business with those scumbags again.

      I now stick with Stash and David’s teas.

    20. Elizabeth West*

      I’m mostly a black tea drinker. Earl Grey is my go-to. So far, my favorite varieties of it are Twinings for everyday and Fortnum and Mason’s Earl Grey Classic. In Cardiff, I had a WONDERFUL Earl Grey at Pettigrew Tea Rooms near Bute Park. It was so tasty I wish I’d thought to bring some back.

      Recently, I discovered Yorkshire Gold. It’s strong-bodied and great for builder’s tea, like PG Tips but without the harsh aftertaste. Just as smooth as it can be. I also like green tea and rooibos, and I have some loose-leaf of that. Oh, and there is a lovely hibiscus tea I got at the international market. So flowery and good.

      We had a Teavana in the mall but it’s closed now. I couldn’t afford their blends, though they were nice. There is a lot of loose-leaf stuff at the natural foods store, which I also can’t afford right now. I do like teabags. Yes, I know they’re dust, LOL. But they’re convenient.

      1. ThursdaysGeek*

        I read about Yorkshire Gold and got some based on the reviews. I found it harsh. I usually drink Dilmah (which I can get on Amazon or directly from the growers), and I’ve never found anything else so smooth and non-tannic. The black tea with blackcurrant makes an excellent ice tea. They have a lot of different flavors of teas, but plain black is still my favorite.

    21. Artemesia*

      In London once I had a tea that was marketed as Queen Elizabeth’s special blend and it was a basic black tea with a hint of lapsong zouchang. It was terrific and I bought a box of bags to bring home but I have never found it in the US. So what I do is buy English breakfast tea bags and then use a teapoon tea ball thing with about a quarter of a tea bag of Lapsong when I brew a cup. I use the bag to kind of skim off the dust from the tea ball. It really adds this lovely overtone to the tea without being the very strong flavor of Lapson zouchang.

    22. Jackie*

      I like the Benner English breakfast black tea from Aldi because it’s not expense. Other teas that are more expensive that I like are from Dammann Freres, especially the breakfast tea that is a blend of Ceylon, Darjeeling and Assam teas. And of course Tazo awake English breakfast is nice. I use to enjoy my black tea with milk but now I prefer no milk. If you are in Chicago go to the Russian Tea Time restaurant for a wonderful Darjeeling black current tea.

  63. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I got new glasses today! My first new pair in seven years. I wear contacts almost exclusively, but I wanted the option of glasses and my old ones were broken and scratched. I have terrible vision and bad corneal astigmatism, and every time I get new glasses, the lenses just get thinner and thinner, which fascinates me. Anyway, these are super cute and I have to spend the next couple of days getting used to them, which is SO WEIRD. Luckily, I have a new season of Grace and Frankie to watch.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Yay! I am with you on getting used to a new prescription – I just had my eyes checked after at least 5 years of being lax, so I had the new contacts all this week (I don’t know if it’s made the transition easier or harder that I used the new contacts during the day, and old glasses at night). Not fun but it’s nice having things sharper again. Will hopefully get my glasses this coming week.

    2. FrontRangeOy*

      Last fall, the frames I’d been wearing for over a decade shattered. Due to a series of unfortunate events, a 3 day rush job turned into 10 days without glasses. By the time I finally got my new ones (super cute and artie, I love them so much),I had to re train my eyeballs to point straight forward instead of focusing off to the sides just enough to be noticeable with the new glasses.

      Mine are thinner than my last prescription too. The wonders of modern vision correction indeed!

    3. Earthwalker*

      Optometrist told me once to take the glasses home and don’t try to wear them until first thing the next morning. It works! Glasses that look totally wrong in the afternoon will seem perfect after a night’s sleep (unless, of course, they really have an error in them).

  64. LaterKate*

    What are your favorite recipes for lentils? I know they are popular in soups/stews, and i would love some good recipes for those, but i am also interested in using them as a side dish or in a main dish that isn’t soup (so maybe some type of casserole?). Thanks!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I made a vegetarian bobotie (South African dish) this week with lentils, and it turned out really well. I also make a bulgur and lentil salad that we eat as a main dish. Recipes below. I also make a lot of dal.

      Lentils are super easy and versatile! Sometimes if I need a quick side dish, I simmer some lentils and add oil, lemon, and mustard. Salt and pepper. Really good with roasted cauliflower.

      https://www.thespruce.com/lentil-bobotie-39416

      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1013033-bulgur-and-lentil-salad

    2. Parenthetically*

      I do a warm salad with roasted pumpkin/butternut squash, black lentils (cooked simply in water, salt, bay leaf), arugula, goat cheese, and a hot dressing — either with bacon and bacon fat or just olive oil with a little smoked paprika, lots of red onion cooked in the fat, grainy mustard, apple cider vinegar, a little sugar or honey, and salt and pepper.

      This, with some yogurt and cream stirred in at the end: https://www.jamieoliver.com/news-and-features/features/lentils-and-basic-tarka-dhal-recipe/

    3. Helpful*

      Toss a pound of lentils and a pound of ground turkey (raw) into the slow cooker with some chili spices and broth. Voila, taco filling!

    4. nep*

      Funny you should ask this right now — I was just thinking about getting the ingredients to try a lentil and sweet potato loaf recipe I saw a while back.

    7. Still working on the user name*

      Mollie Katzen’s Moosewood Cookbook has a recipe for lentil walnut burgers – they’re a bit time consuming to prepare, but absolutely worth it. The recipe calls for mashing the lentils once cooked, but definitely use a food processor instead if you have one. I sometimes make them into round balls instead of patties and fry them like falafel. They are delicious however you prepare them!

      1. Still working on the user name*

        Here’s the link to the recipe from Mollie Katzen’s site. It says “adapted from” the cookbook, so I’m not sure if it’s the exact recipe I’ve used, but it looks the same at a glance.

        Lentil Walnut Burgers 

    9. The Other Dawn*

      I got this recipe from my SIL. She made it a lot when she was married to her ex-husband and living as a Mennonite. It’s so delicious and it makes a lot. Baked Lentils: http://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/01/baked-lentils.html#.WmPNeahKuUk

      This is great, too. Parmesan Lentil Soup: http://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2015/04/parmesan-lentil-soup.html#.WmPNsahKuUk (This is posted on my blog, but there’s also a link to the original recipe within the post.)

    10. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      If you’re up for a soup, I swear by this one. Unfortunately, I never noted the book it came out of so I’m not sure who to attribute it to.

      Indian Red Lentil Soup
      2 cups (1 bag) red lentils
      1 can of pumpkin puree
      1 tsp salt
      2 tsp ground coriander
      1 tsp ground cumin
      1/2 tsp chili powder
      1/2 tsp turmeric
      1 tsp garam masala
      8 cups water

      Wash the red lentils in several changes of water until the water runs clear. Soak in a bowl of cold water for 10 minutes. Drain well.
      Put the red lentils, pumpkin, salt and 8 cups water in a medium pot (sometimes I use less water, like 6-7 cups, to get more of a stew than a soup). Bring to a boil over high heat, then reduce the heat to medium-low.
      Simmer, uncovered, until the lentils are tender, about 15 minutes.
      Stir in the coriander, cumin, chili powder, turmeric and garam masala.
      Simmer, uncovered, for a further 10-15 minutes, adding extra water to thin out the soup to your desired consistency if necessary. Add more salt to taste if you need. And that’s about it!
      (The original recipe called for garnishing it with cilantro, which personally I found strange when I tried it. But you might want to give that a shot. Also, sprinkling on more garam masala at the end can be yummy.)

  65. nep*

    LinkedIn question — but not work-related. If I’m following someone but we’re not connected, does this person see that I liked a post?

  66. nep*

    Nevermind — I asked the question the wrong way. Of course anyone can look at who liked a post — all who liked show up, whether connected or not. What I was wondering is whether it comes up in the person’s feed that I liked, but no I reckon it does not. Thought this through after posting my Q.

  67. Get a Roth now*

    I recently spent some time with my parents looking over plans and prices for assisted living places. Just a tip, start putting more money into your retirement plans now. The average cost is about $3,000.00 a month in the DFW area of Texas. Plus a lot of the places require a hefty down payment.

    1. Rhonda Mumps*

      Gahhhhh. My folks are beyond broke. It sounds awful, but I’m counting on them keeling over quickly. Their health is terrible. I definitely don’t have an extra $3k/month.

      1. Natalie*

        It’s certainly not a perfect system, but assuming they’re over 65 they have various options through Medicare. Your state might also have some programs looking into.

        1. fposte*

          Technically, Medicare doesn’t cover the cost of assisted living or long-term care; that’s why all those people end up going through the spend-down to be eligible for Medicaid.

          1. Natalie*

            Ah, that makes sense. Now that I think about it, when I was looking into Medicaid for my mom (long story) they did have a whole section on assisted living if one was between 55 and 65.

        2. Get a Roth now*

          I am fortunate that they can afford it but now I am terrified that I won’t be able to when I am their age. I am thankful that I saw this flag waving now so I can prepare and put more money towards retirement.

    2. Reba*

      My parents informed me a couple years ago they have bought insurance for long term care, learning from their parents and even friends’ experiences. My inlaws have as well. Thank you, Mom and Dad. We are so lucky that they are able to do this and really hope the plans pan out as intended.

      1. fposte*

        My dad went the continuing care retirement community route (where you start with a cottage or apartment and then as you need increased care that’s part of the package) and I’m thinking that’s likely for me too. When I looked into long term care insurance it was looking pretty dubious these days (and hey, guess what’s been a key player in the sinking of GE? That’s right, LTCI).

        1. fposte*

          Sorry, didn’t mean to put that here–it looks kind of snotty! So I’ll expand–LTCI has turned out to be a pretty big money loser, so there are a lot fewer companies writing new policies now and the product that your parents have is likely to be very different from what’s available to you.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Years ago my husband and I looked into it for his mother. The premium was on a sliding scale according to age. By the time she reached 85 the premium was 2k per month. We dropped that idea FAST.

            1. fposte*

              The real dealbreaker for me was that, while there are limits to how much they can raise your individual premiums outside of what was contracted, they can straight up say all LTCI policies are going up 60% this year, as Genworth did; other companies are doing similar raises, because the model ended up being so flawed. So you can pay that premium rise, or you can drop the policy and everything you’ve paid to date is gone for nothing.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Insurance is basically a pyramid scheme. They are betting they can get more people paying in than they will have to pay out.

                I take LTCI about as seriously as I take dental insurance. In other words, not that much.

          2. Reba*

            Oh yes, I’m well aware that it’s not a model that will probably stick around for me to use (hence “hope they pan out” i.e. not go bust before my own parents need theirs).

            My grandparents are in assisted living now and their policy is apparently amazing–looking at how it’s paying out, it’s like “yeah that obviously makes no business sense.”

            1. Reba*

              I really appreciate my parents’ attempting to remove this future burden from us, even though there is still lots of uncertainty around it.

    3. Earthwalker*

      Yes indeed! I’m watching how fast Dad’s savings are disappearing. But one note of comfort: My Dad and stepmom broke hips at almost the same time. After the emergencies she ended up in a very nice and very expensive memory care place. He ended up spending a week in the county home that doubles as a temporary recovery facility for such major accidents and a long term nursing home for the elderly who have little or nothing left but Medicaid. So
      I got to compare best and worst in their town. Both places were clean. Both had attentive, competent staff with patient, amazingly cheerful attitudes. Both served tasty, healthy meals. Both offered a similar set of activities. The biggest difference I saw was that the interior design of the expensive place was very nice while the county rest home was just a little tatty. YMMV, but it’s been a comfort to me to see penniless elders getting good, respectful care at least in one town.

      1. fposte*

        A friend’s mother got moved to the county nursing home here; it was supposed to be an initial move until space opened up at a more expensive place, but it turned out to be a nice place that took care of her really well, so she just stayed there.

    4. Parenthetically*

      This is one of the reasons why, fifteen years ago, my uncles moved my grandmother from Indianapolis to the tiny plains town where my folks live. It’s less than half the cost for her to have good assisted living in a nice private room with lots of activities where she lives now than it would be to have a shared room in a city like Indianapolis — which isn’t even that expensive as cities go.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I will never be able to retire unless something amazing happens. We were talking about this the other day at coffee and I basically said that if it got to that point and I had no resources, that would be it.

  68. DanaScully*

    Ugh! Suggestions for what to say to people who make unhelpful suggestions regarding your chronic illness?

    I regularly get the usual, “You should try yoga/drinking smoothies/becoming vegan” etc. Someone who knows how against illegal drugs I am suggested I start taking amphetamines to help with my energy levels and then couldn’t understand why I was so upset, because they were “only trying to help”!

    Sorry for the semi-rant, but I just had to get it off my chest. I wish people would stop trying to find ways to cure me when I know quite well (more than anyone) that there isn’t a cure.

    1. Blue_eyes*

      Some of the best responses I’ve seen to this sort of thing are along the lines of “thanks for your concern, but my doctor and I have it covered”. It works because these people are (usually) suggesting things because they want to help you feel better, so it can make them feel heard to acknowledge that, while also reminding them that they are not your doctor, with a dash of “hey, butt-out” thrown in.

      Remembering that people often say these things because they care about you and don’t want you to be in pain can also help you to shrug it off, even though it’s really annoying.

    2. Cheshire Cat*

      I always say some variation of “I’m following my doctor’s advice, thanks” or “My doctor tells me that won’t help me, thanks” and then try to change the subject. If they persist, I repeat a little more coldly and leave out the “thanks.” If they bring it up a third time, I tell them that unsolicited medical advice is exhausting and I can’t listen any more (trying to say this in a Miss Manners coldly-polite-but-indignant way), pause briefly, and then bring up whatever college sport is in season. I don’t follow the local teams so it’s not my topic of choice, but a lot of people around here are fanatic enough that it deflects the conversation.

      Best wishes with this, it’s always so annoying.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Agree with Blue Eyes and Cheshire Cat on the “my doctor and I have it covered” script, but holy cow—someone actually suggested illegal amphetamines to you? Yikes. I can see being particularly bothered by that.

    4. Agnodike*

      After years of this nonsense, my go-to is now a blank stare and asking “What would prompt you to give me unsolicited medical advice?” But I’m cranky. When I’m in a situation where I absolutely have to be polite (e.. my mother in law’s latest pseudoscience craze that she’s chosen to share with me) I just say “Thanks for thinking of me.”

    5. Kuododi*

      Oh good grief!!! My parents are my worst offenders. I have a number of healthcare issues/chronic pain problems. Periodically Mom and Dad will want to take an inventory of my eating habits, medications overall treatment regimen to see what is going on and why I am not “improving.” Read….losing a bunch of weight which is the universal cure all for everything. Dad will pull out various shady herbal weight loss products from online….mom will just complain I am not losing weight. I have to remind them I have a whole team of Dr working on my overall health management…not just weight concerns and I am not having that conversation with them.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Oh, this is my life. Lately it seems that acquaintance and colleague who sees me with my crutch feels they have the right to an answer to the question, “What happened?!!!” “Why do you want to know?” seems curt and rude when I know most people are just expressing a concern.
        If I disclose then the medical/yoga/essential oil advice begins.
        I do have an answer to that…
        “Lucky me that the University has a whole team of professionals taking care of me, thank you for your concern.”

        1. Rookie Manager*

          Yes this! “What have you done to yourself” is my least favourite question in the World. Along with “How long till you’re off that thing?!” Well, it’s been over a decade so hopefully next week…

          1. Bibliovore*

            let’s see I was diagnosed at 25 and am now 57. Waiting for that medical breakthrough. I don’t use the crutch if I am not standing a long time, or walking long distances or having a long day. I’m okay on familiar even ground. People who know I use one get really excited when they see me without it. “you are doing great!” Why do people need to have an opinion? Do I say no actually, still using the crutch, its by my chair in the conference room but I am okay getting to the bathroom without it?

            1. Rookie Manager*

              I hate to disappoint them, but I will the next day when I have my crutch back again. Why is it so hard to understand just because I need a crutch sometimes doesn’t mean I need it to walk from my desk to the bathroom?! *whispered confession* Sometimes I use my crutch when my legs don’t need it but my emotions can’t deal with the explanation.

              Reba, I’m storing that away for potential future use!

              1. Bibliovore*

                yes, there is a weird sense of personal failure that I will never get better and only get worse.

          2. Reba*

            I have said, “Thanks for your optimism, but I will never get better. My condition is incurable.”

            Only once though, for someone who really needed to be hit with the old clue-by-four.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        My mother does the same thing, despite the fact that I was underweight for all of my childhood and STILL had the same diseases. My birth defect isn’t going to suddenly go away if I drop 50 pounds. She also goes out of her way to blame me for every medical issue I have. Ex: I was diagnosed with seborrheic dermatitis. The doctor told me it’s probably a symptom of my autoimmune disease. Well, I told my mother about it, and her first thought was that I must not wash my hair well enough.

    6. HannahS*

      All the sympathy! I’ve yet to find the magic bullet phrase. Sometimes, saying things like, “I’m glad you’re enjoying it, but that doesn’t work for me” can help, but only sometimes, and only with people who are reasonably socially graceful to begin with.

    7. DrWombat*

      Seconding the “my doctor and I have it covered” option. I have celiac and I get a lot of pseudoscience thrown my way over it. Internet supportive fistbump offered.

    9. anonagain*

      I hear you.

      I mostly snark in my head (or think about something else until they’re done) and, depending on who the person is, either completely ignore it and change the subject or just say “hm” and change the subject. Sometimes, if I think I can manage the right tone, I cheerfully say, “Oh, I wasn’t asking for advice. I was just explaining/venting/whatever.”

      I sometimes say more if I have energy and I feel like killing time:
      -“Man, I’m so grateful I have access to good medical care.” + change subject (This one is for when someone recommends something they don’t do themselves, like when they’re telling you that they read about someone who went on a really complicated diet or drank kangaroo urine or sleeps in 45 minute chunks or something.)
      -“Home remedies don’t cut it for my condition. I’m glad they work for you though!” + change subject (This is when someone is saying to stop taking meds.)
      -“That’s actually extremely dangerous for people with my condition. It’s super weird, I know! You wouldn’t think so since we think of it as being so healthy, but everyone is different, I guess.” (This can sometimes be parlayed into a lighthearted conversation about how they hate kale or are lactose intolerant or can’t stand yoga and how we’re all hoping we’re the anomalous person for whom netflix increases life expectancy.)

      I do get super stern when people recommend illegal drugs to me. It’s not a discussion I’m going to have with people and I make that clear. It’s upsetting to me when people do this, but I respond unemotionally and firmly. “I do not take illegal drugs. End of discussion.”
      I am also really stern when people make recommendations about prescription drug options or try to ask me questions about my meds. “I am not going to discuss this with you.” or “That is private.”

      I don’t have a perfect success rate with any of this, but it works better for me than when I was trying to think of responses on the fly. Anyway, I hope you figure out some sort of approach that makes things easier on you. It’s a real pain and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

      1. Bibliovore*

        “That’s actually extremely dangerous for people with my condition. It’s super weird, I know! You wouldn’t think so since we think of it as being so healthy, but everyone is different, I guess.”

        Yoga and me. No can’t do yoga. Contra indicated. Bad for me. Yes, that kind, and that kind, and that kind. No yoga.

    10. DanaScully*

      Thank you all so much for the responses. It’s been really useful to read your stories, and to hear how you would respond to these types of people. I’ll be adding them to my repertoire of replies for the next time.

      I really appreciate the well wishes, fist bumps and commiserations too. It’s really reassuring to know I’m not alone in going through these things. Thanks!

    11. Sylvan*

      Somehow, I only run into that issue online and not in person. Perhaps it comes from being reserved and so having fewer opportunities to hear dumb advice; perhaps it it just good luck.

      I usually say that I only take advice from doctors and from people who have the same thing. Since it’s INCREDIBLY unlikely that whoever’s giving advice falls into either category, they shut right down. :) And a couple of times I’ve ended up having an interesting chat with someone who has my condition.

  69. Merci Dee*

    My daughter is elbow-deep in a platter of ribs with sauce from cheek to cheek.

    I’m diving into a combo appetizer for my meal, with boneless buffalo wings, fried pickles, and potato skins.

    What a great Saturday.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I could order a whole rack, you could take approximately 70% of the ribs, and she’d still have enough to be happy. :)

    2. Wrench Turner*

      If you are adopting children who are possibly older than you I would also like to be elbow deep in a pile of ribs.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I don’t have another bedroom for new adoptees. You’d have to make do with the futon in the living room. Would that be a fair trade for ribs?

        Also … You get laundry duty. :)

  70. The Commoner*

    I might pick up knitting again. Wish me luck.

    Dear Alison – Help! Please fix your website. I can’t log a technical report on your site to tell you the following: My iPhone is constantly hijacked by ads and the site sucks up so much on my Surface that the fan runs at full blast. It’s a really great site with constructive commenting. But right now, I feel like tech issues/hijacking/etc. makes it almost impossible to be here.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      There was an app that Ramona Flowers and fposte were talking about last week that will block the ads on an iPhone. I can’t remember what it was called, but hopefully one of them will see this and reply!

      1. Natalie*

        Lionz. I couldn’t get it to work with Chrome but I admittedly didn’t try at all, I just switched to Safari on my phone and it’s been working well so far.

    2. DanaScully*

      Try clearing your cache. Alison suggested this previously and I believed others have said it’s much better now.

      1. Red Reader*

        I did and it was fine for a couple days, but the redirects and “you won a $4 million gift card!” got bad again recently.

    4. FD*

      Yeah, I can only block AAM with an AdBlocker. I hate not being able to support Alison through ad revenue, but I consistently get bad or intrusive ads when I try without it.

      Honestly, I kind of prefer the sponsored post model I’m seeing more around the internet (and that Alison has done here), along with merchandise and/or books for purchase. It lets the person who controls the site pick who they are and are not willing to let advertise, and it often leads to ads that are more relevant to the readers, IMO.

  71. DietCokeHead*

    Why is TV shopping so complicated? My husband and I were looking at a 65 inch Samsung MU7000 but after going to Best Buy and talking with a salesperson, now we are considering either the 65 inch Sony BR-65X850E or the Sony XBR-X900E. From what the husband is reading now, the Sony is getting better reviews. Anyone have any advice on giant TV buying? For TV watching, we have a flat antennae for the local channels, otherwise we watch either Netflix or we have a subscription to PS Vue for streaming. I don’t play video games and my husband enjoys action based, adventure type games like Uncharted. He also likes watching sports (well I do too depending on the sport).

        1. Sam Foster*

          Good luck. I bought as much TV as I could afford because it’s a once-a-decade kind of purchase.

    2. Nicole*

      I’ve always preferred Samsung myself. One brother has a Sony and the other brother and myself have Samsung. I like their menus and how their smart tv apps work. Plus I think the picture quality is superior for the price. Also, and I might be biased since I don’t like shopping there for the way I was treated many years ago, I wouldn’t get a TV from Best Buy. I find Target and Walmart to have better prices (and sometimes Costco if you’re a member).

      Whatever you decide to go with, I’d see if you can play with the menus in-store before making your decision since how user-friendly it is can make or break your enjoyment.

        1. DietCokeHead*

          I do agree with the Best Buy advice but I will say it is nice to see the TV in person. The first one we were considering based off Amazon reviews, we found in store and didn’t really love it. I’ll definitely check Target and Wal-Mart too. No Costco membership for us at this time but maybe we will change that. Thanks for the advice!

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Seriously consider getting one that’s 4K! I can’t believe I’m saying this because I didn’t used to care about this kind of thing at all, but my husband is a huge A.V. buff and I have to say, I have fallen in love with our huge Samsung 4K TV. I didn’t think I’d care about 4K, but there’s a noticeable quality difference — everything is more vivid and intense and immersive and you feel like you’re right there in the movie or whatever you’re watching.

      1. Earthwalker*

        My friend’s 90 year old chair-bound mom finds solace in watching the tennis channel all day. They both agree that it’s way easier to follow the ball with 4g. (I never knew this before. I never knew that there was a tennis channel before either.)

      2. DietCokeHead*

        Thanks for the advice, we will definitely go for a 4k. I think part of the difficulty is that we want to get the best TV possible but without breaking the bank. Plus the last time, I bought a TV had to be over 10 years ago. So much new technology.

        1. Nicole*

          It’s definitely tough! We took a long time to make a decision when we upgraded from our old plasma TV. We ended up going with a 55″ 4k Ultra HD Samsung smart TV. The one thing that gets me is they always keep going down in price; ours can currently be purchased for half what we paid (which was a deal at the time). Ugh!

          Also, we didn’t like the “soap opera effect” once we brought it home. It was so creepy and we couldn’t get used to it. Luckily, it can be turned off if you too dislike it. Here’s more info on that. Good luck!

          https://www.cnet.com/news/what-is-the-soap-opera-effect/

  72. SAHM*

    Hubs and I ditched Dish and got HBO via the app bc HBO has John Oliver and Sesame Street (yup, I got HBO for Sesame Street) what other tv shows do you suggest? I can’t really watch GOT bc my kids will 100% walk in when someone is naked or being murdered, which wasn’t a big deal when they were 2 but now they’re like 8 and a Very Observant 6.

    1. copy run start*

      I don’t have any suggestions, other than stay away from Westworld if you’re worried about accidental nudity exposure. Naked and dead people everywhere. :)

      As I kid I remember my parents holing up in their bedroom to watch The Sopranos and that I was not.to.bother.them. when it was on!

    2. The New Wanderer*

      Depends on your sense of humor but I’ve binge watched Veep, Silicon Valley, Insecure, Larry Sanders (very dated), and lots of stand up specials. There are lots of good dramas too, I hear, but that’s not my thing.

      2. SAHM*

        Thanks! I’ll check them out! I’m woefully behind on all things TV related, I still haven’t even seen the new Star Wars yet and it’s slowly killing my soul, but yes! I will check those out, the kids aren’t super aware yet of all the verbal inappropriate stuff which is why John Oliver works great for Hubs and me, plus I get to use my adult brain!! ;-)

    3. Sylvan*

      Seconding Westworld.

      Vice Principals was hilarious, but not remotely kid-friendly. Also not the perfect match for everyone’s sense of humor.

      1. Starryemma*

        Yeah, most of HBO doesn’t seem kid friendly. But good for when they go to sleep!

        Just remembered last week tonight, with John Oliver. Not kid friendly, but great.

  73. Wrench Turner*

    After fretting about how to properly replace this one broken switch on my motorcycle, after breaking off the one rusted screw that held it on, after fretting about how to correctly drill it out and re tap the threads for the new screw, after breaking 2 drill bits trying to do it I just super glued the bastard on and held it up with a plastic zip tie and it’s working great after a test ride, thank you.
    Hope you all are having a great weekend. I’m on-call with the job so can’t really get too involved in anything at all.

    1. Red*

      Hahaha, this reminds me of my old moped! It was held together with duct tape, epoxy, and some hope for the best. Glad to hear your motorcycle is working properly :)

  74. Nacho*

    Still condo shopping. Found a great place yesterday with an asking price of only $170k, so hopefully I’ve got a shot to buy it for under $230. Wish me luck everyone.

  75. venting anon*

    Just something I need to get off my chest…my sister moved into my basement last year. Her husband had filed for divorce and moved out of their apartment. He continued to pay the rent and all the expenses until the lease was up. He was not renewing and my sister couldn’t afford the rent on her own since he was the main breadwinner. He would not cosign with her to renew. Our parents, our brother and I all loaned her money for a lawyer and the lawyer said my sister had a case for abandonment. My parents downsized to a retirement condo recently and my brother just got married and him and his wife live in a one bedroom. I have a spare bedroom and naturally I didn’t hesitate to take her in.

    Her husband has produced proof she was having an affair, that she took out a bunch of secret credit cards without him knowing and that she spent thousands from their savings account on the other guy (clothes, a motorcycle, tattoos). She lied to us, our family and her lawyer.

    These new developments mean she is not eligible for spousal support (where we are adultery means no support) and the fact that she took out the credit cards without her husband knowing will screw her in court. Her lawyer says she will have to pay back a bunch of the savings she spent on the other guy and her lawyer said it is likely she will be charged with identity theft now that her husband called the police and they are investigating. My sister was also on disability due to anxiety and was reported by her husband for working under the table while being in disability because she said she couldn’t work.

    I’m so damn angry at her. She lied to everyone and made herself out to be the victim. Her lawyer dropped her because she lied to him. I can’t even look at her right now. She said her anxiety made her do it. She says it wasn’t her fault. But she was a glass bowl regardless of the anxiety. If I’m being honest I can’t wait until the police decide to charge her and she is arrested or turns herself in. I know I’m not bailing her out and neither will my brother or parents. I can’t believe she lied to everyone and I’m so mad at her.

    1. Nacho*

      Ouch, that sucks. You did a good thing offering your sister your extra-room, and the fact that she lied to you doesn’t change that. I don’t blame you if you don’t want anything more to do with her though.

    2. The Senior Wrangler*

      My Aunt stole a lot of money from family members ~15 years ago because of drugs, lying to them to get what she wanted. She went to prison, rehab then moved back home. Her current situation is…complicated.
      My other Aunt still barely speaks to Aunt no 1. My Father finds spending time with her difficult.
      But they still all went to my Grandmother’s funeral, with no arguments or outbursts and minimal awkwardness.
      It’s perfectly OK to be angry. Things do get easier.

    3. fposte*

      Holy crap, of course you’re angry. Wow. I mean, that would be enraging enough just in general, but the fact that she’s living with you . . . yikes.

    4. Ruffingit*

      Any one of those things would be enough to generate some serious anger, but all together it’s enough for a nuclear explosion. Also I suffer from anxiety (on meds) and anxiety is not a reason you do any of the things she’s done. That is a ridiculous excuse.

      1. FD*

        Same with the anxiety. Anxiety can make it hard to do things–it isn’t a magical get out of jail free card for doing terrible things to others!

    5. LCL*

      Have you checked your credit report lately? I know I’m sounding snarky but I don’t mean it that way.

      1. Observer*

        That’s a good point. Sis sounds like she’s both nasty and stupid enough to try something like that.

      2. LilySparrow*

        No snark. For real. Credit lock, monitor your bank & cc accounts, make sure everything is e-statements, change your computer password, and lock up or shred any paperwork with social security or account numbers.
        If she’s living in your house she has access to your mail, your files, and your computer.

    8. Book Lover*

      I am so sorry, venting anon :(

      I hate to say it, but make sure you check tenant rights in your area to see what your options are if you decide you can’t stand to have her continue to stay with you. And please consider a credit freeze (the rest of your family should think about this also). If she would do this to her husband and lie to everyone, I am worried what she might do to you.

    9. Anonsie*

      It’s definitely understandable that you feel angry at her. She did some a**hole things to you and to others. You have every right to be angry at her. If what you want is to vent, that is understandable!

      Here are some things that may or may not help you.

      1. Anxiety is not an excuse for anything she did. Anxiety is certainly a real and sometimes very difficult disorder. It can make it difficult to do a lot of things. Sometimes, it can indeed be so bad that it’s difficult or impossible to work. It does not force you to have an affair, lie to your family about that affair, open secret credit cards, or lie to your lawyer about the details relevant to your case (which is just deeply stupid BTW). This is one of those cases where people who have disabilities are just as capable of being a**holes as the rest of us. (I’m just going to assume that she does indeed have an anxiety disorder.)

      2. Frankly, even if part of this is anxiety-related, she appears to have so far learned that she can use it to simply dodge responsibility. Letting her continue to do that isn’t really going to do her any favors. That doesn’t mean you should be needlessly harsh, but this may be a case where she’s going to need to learn from what she did.

      3. You really should check your credit scores. If she was willing to lie to you, her family, her ex, and her lawyer for that long, there’s a risk that she may commit identity theft with others. If you don’t know, you can get a free request once per year from each of the major credit bureaus. (E.G. you could get three free ones per year.) Those will show any accounts you have open.

      4. If you’re in the US, she likely is a tenant by now (in most places, a tenancy occurs if someone lives in a location more than a month). This means, you can’t actually kick her out without notice. Look up notice periods in your state or location. I’m not saying you should kick her out per se, but you should at least be aware of your rights and obligations.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this. It can’t be easy to feel betrayed by a family.

    10. venting anon*

      Thanks everyone for the supportI’ve replies.

      My credit as well as my parents, my brother and his wife and other close family are clear. That was the first thing we checked and we have all taken precautions just in case with our credit and banking and other stuff.

      We are American. She moved into the basement of the place I am renting. Although I am paying she is on a separate month to month lease. I had to get permission for her to move in with me. So she is not my tenant. If the police arrest her than she will be evicted. I can also talk to the property management committee because her lease is month to month and they would only need to give her short notice to leave. I’m probably not going to do that since she will almost certainly be arrested soon. Since her lease is month to month I won’t owe anything beyond one month when she is evicted.

      I appreciate all the kindness from everyone :)

  76. kas*

    Does anyone have super gullible friend stories? I’m having a hard time keeping my cool with a close friend. We’re the same age (20’s) and I feel like I’m her parent. The last thing she did annoyed me to the point where I couldn’t speak to her for a while. She’s looking for an apartment but she’s in no rush to move. She asked me to look at places with her and I agreed. She found a place this week and sent it to me and asked if I was free to look at it. I opened the link and immediately knew it seemed too good to be true. The price was 50% less than what apartments in our area go for and it was in a super desirable area. I know the area and don’t recall seeing any condos there so I looked it up on Google Maps and it was a medical office building. I told her this and sent her the info, she didn’t believe me. I saved one of the images of one of the rooms and searched it on Google and the same exact listing came up in other countries. Again, I sent her this info and she didn’t see any red flags. The landlord also lives in a different country (at least a 10 hour flight) and was way too willing to catch a flight within like a day to show her the place which made no sense. My friend can’t be the only one looking at this place so wouldn’t the landlord set up a specific date range and let my friend know this is when he’ll be in the country? My friend believed the landlord had enough money to fly down each time someone wanted to see the place and didn’t see an issue. He also asked for super personal information which I told her not to send to him but she did it anyway! It took for the website she found the apartment on to remove the listing with a message about it being a fraudulent posting for her to finally see it wasn’t real. I’m so frustrated with her. How can someone ignore such obvious signs?

    1. fposte*

      I think some people don’t have the experience or the alert level to ping on these things. But maybe you don’t have to hold her hand through this kind of thing; you can say “Dude, it’s a scam; look up ‘fake apartment scam'” and then let it go. She’s a grownup–you don’t have to do everything in your power to save her from herself every time.

      1. kas*

        You’re right. I really don’t know why I always feel the need to go back and forth with her. I usually don’t get to the “dude, it’s a scam…” point until I start to get angry. If she doesn’t listen after the first time I tell her something, I’ll let it go and tell her she’s on her own. Thanks!

      2. Ruffingit*

        Totally agree. You don’t need to step into the parent role for her. Let her know it’s a scam and then back off and let her make her own decisions and mistakes.

    2. Reba*

      It sounds like what is frustrating is not so much her naiveté in itself, but that she didn’t believe *you* even after asking you for advice. I definitely get the annoyance.

      You could try pointing that out to her if you want to try to move on from this and deepen your relationship. Or you could just kindly disengage from this kind of life stuff with her.

      1. kas*

        Exactly, especially when I had evidence and sent it all to her. She does this all the time and my instinct/evidence has been right every single time and yet she still never believes the proof.

        I’ve pointed it out before that she doesn’t listen and she knows I’ve always been right. Going forward I’ll disengage. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care what she does anymore.

    3. Ruffingit*

      I had a friend like this. She was smart in some ways, but incredibly gullible in others. She had to purchase a car on short notice and I told her I would help her find a good deal. Instead, she finds one at a dealership and goes there only to discover the car wasn’t available, but oh hey lookie here, this luxury model we’ve been trying to get rid of is perfect for you…

      She bought it and had tons of issues to the point of having to bring it back to the dealership. I wasn’t friends with her any longer at that point, thankfully, but I’ve no doubt she’s continued in this same vein.

      1. kas*

        This sounds like something my friend would do. She gets annoyed with me when I take my time and do research before I make a big purchase.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I have a lot of Facebook friends that will share something to my feed and think it’s legit. 99% of the time it’s a hoax. No one ever Googles or checks Snopes. I just delete all those posts.

      My FIL falls for stuff like this. He’s in his 70s, but he’s mentally sharp and a smart guy, so it always baffles me when he falls for a scam. He’s lost money a few times, like the time he got suckered into one of the car wrap scams that says they’ll pay you X a week to drive your car around with some advertising on it. Drives me nuts because he’s a smart guy.

      1. kas*

        I have a friend like this, she always shares scams on Facebook thinking they’re real but they’re always so extreme. She also always posts screenshots on Facebook and Instagram of texts and emails she’s received (those scams telling you to click a link to claim tax money) asking if the messages are real. She wonders why she always has some sort of virus and it’s because she always clicks on the links and tries to claim it. She’s been doing this for years. I don’t even bother telling her they’re fake anymore.

      2. Kuododi*

        My Dad’s like that… brilliant man but honestly believes the only source of truthful information on the web is….Rush Limbaugh. (Gack!). I repeatedly show him corrections to Limbaughs’s bilge from places such as Snopes and still he is unconvinced. I just shake my head and take Tylenol.

        …

    5. No Name for This One*

      Not a friend but my ex-fiance. She got a call from those scammers who pretend they are the IRS. They told her the usual spiel, that she owed money and the police would come and arrest her if she didn’t pay immediately. They also told her not to call anyone because her phone was tapped. She spent all the money from our wedding money account and our joint bank account and maxed out our credit card to buy iTunes gift cards. She did this without telling me or anyone else. In all it was almost $11k that she spent.

      When she was buying the gift cards the cashiers at all 4 places asked her if it was because of a call from someone saying they were the IRS. She said no because they told her to and she went to multiple places to buy because they told her to. At the time she worked for the government in a finance related position, though not for the IRS and not in a position where she actually handled money or personal info. Before she worked there she worked at an Apple store when she was in college. And less than a month before it happened, we had gotten our taxes done. She knew we were not years behind on our taxes and that we were getting a refund this year.

      I have no idea why she would fall for it. It sounds harsh but I broke up with her because of it because I was so mad. I had to move back in with my parents because she spent every cent we had and I had no money for first/last month rent on a place of my own. I had to borrow money from my sister to pay my half of the maxed out credit card. I just couldn’t trust her again after that.

      1. kas*

        Wow! I don’t think breaking up was harsh at all, I would’ve done the same thing. I’m upset for you.

        I hope she eventually paid you back some of the money!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        A life partner has to be fiscally responsible. That is not optional equipment. You did the right thing.

      3. fposte*

        Oh, holy crap, that is frightening. On several levels, but I think the part that would have been the dealbreaker for me is taking our money without consulting with me. Get suckered on your own dime and I have some sympathy, but you don’t get to spend joint funds without consultation.

      4. The Other Dawn*

        I think you absolutely did the right thing. All the signs were glaring right at her and she ignored them.

        BTW, this is good information, as it’s work-related for me. I look for suspicious banking activity and that’s a great piece of information for me to keep in mind. If I see lots of gift card purchases like that going through someone’s bank accounts, I’ll be sure to take into consideration whether or not someone might be in the process of being scammed.

  77. The Senior Wrangler*

    Dropped my bowl of pasta on the floor this evening :(
    Immediately turned to retail therapy and finally decided to buy myself Sibelius music notation software.
    Then made more pasta.
    It was both a sad and happy evening.

    1. Adele*

      I was sick in bed and heard what I thought was thunder (in January?) or my neighbors rolling the trash bins down their driveway (on non-trash day?). I am so sorry I didn’t see at least the flash. A couple folks at work saw the flash and one saw the meteor itself.

  79. The Other Dawn*

    Just got myself a chair for my home desk. It’s only been three+ years since I had one. I’ve been using a dining room chair with three cushions stacked on it, which is terrible for my back. Now that my dad’s estate has been settled, I decided I’d get myself a nice one–a Laz-Z-Boy, which was on sale at Staples. I was so excited to get it out of the box and put it together, and then discovered there were no assembly instructions other than a small sticker on the bottom of the seat showing how to put the controls and seat back on. That’s it. Nothing to say which screws go where, or which direction the plastic cover goes on. Nothing to say that the back should be attached loosely, then the arms attached, and then everything tightened so I don’t have to waste a bunch of time disassembling because the arms don’t line up. Couldn’t even find anything online. What a pain! And now that it’s put together, it feels different than when I sat in it in the store and the back isn’t as high. It’s fine, though. It’s not so different that I’m willing to deal with bringing it back. And I’m not at my home desk all that often for it to matter.

    1. Nacho*

      Ouch, that sounds like it would be terrible for your back. At least you’ve got a nice chair now.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        My thought is to get one of those lumbar cushions. I think that will make this chair what I was hoping it would be. It’s tough because I’m tall and all my height is in my legs, so I need a deep seat and to be able to adjust the height high enough. But I also need lumbar support. It was hard finding a chair that was “close enough” that didn’t cost over $300. As it was, this was $300 (an amount I typically would NEVER spend on a desk chair), but I lucked out and got it for $200 and didn’t even realize it until I got home. That made the feeling of less-than-thrilled easier to deal with.

        1. copy run start*

          I feel you, I have similar issues and basically spent all of my tax refund last year on a really high-end office chair. No regrets, but it still makes me feel a bit sick to think about how much it cost. I figure it should pay for itself in a few years if it keeps me out of the chiropractor’s office and lasts the full warranty period (12 years).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Unfortunately it’s not movable. One would think so for the price, but it’s not. A lot of the cheaper chairs at Staples had more features, but they just didn’t have the comfort level. And the pricier ones had the comfort, but not all the features.

    1. Sparkly Librarian*

      Best: the season has come where the heated mattress pad goes back on the bed.

      Worst: I appreciate this more deeply because I have slept 12-14 hours each of the last 7 days, because I came down with something that has sapped all my energy. Fatigue is the main symptom; minor aches, sniffles, and temperature deregulation that are about the same as I’d normally have. I called out 2 days, even with the long MLK weekend. It’s weird and if I had more energy I’d be frustrated.

    2. DrWombat*

      Best: took an all nighter to do it, but turned in dissertation Sunday! Now I’m about a month out from officially having my PhD!

      Worst: the government shutdown is really stressing me out, as I have friends who will be affected by this. I also used to work with DACA clients back when I worked at the legal clinic, and I am utterly baffled by the opposition to providing these people a path to citizenship, when they had no say over coming here in the first place. I am wondering how the clients I helped are doing now, and it’s stressing me out.

    3. Free Meerkats*

      Best – I’ve been in Vegas alone since Tuesday morning for a convention. Heading home in the morning.

      Worst – the pink has almost completely faded from my beard.

    5. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: Saturday taco game night; 75% planning done

      Worst: SO and I have slight colds. Grabbing Sambucol and chicken for soup/taking it easy.

    6. Aurora Leigh*

      BEST: Vacation planning with the boyfriend! (See comment below for a detailed itinerary.)

      WORST: Sometimes I feel like I have way too may things to juggle — my full time job, my part time job, the puppy, the cats, housecleaning and grocery shopping (for my apt and his house — I’m basically living in both places right now)and in trying to maintain friendships and family relationships and some days I’m just scared to death I’ll end up failing at some of it. (For the record, I’ve already failed at the housecleaning by some standards, but we’re ok with it.)

    7. Jules the First*

      Best: surprised a friend last night with a party for her 60th birthday. I can’t decide which was more fun, the look on her face when she walked up the stairs and we all sang happy birthday, or the cool people she’s friends with in other areas of her life that I’d never met before.

      Worst: paid a small fortune for a dressage lesson today with a really high-end coach and it was a total bust because my horse decided to ignore me. As in refused to move at a pace faster than a two year old child crawling unless chased by a scary lady on the ground, Coach did his best to give me things to work on as my friend chased us around the arena with a lunge whip, but it wasn’t really very productive.

    8. SeekingBetter*

      Best: Had a really good marketing meeting today with a volunteer committee I’m on.

      Worst: Seeing all of my cousin’s friends at said cousin’s birthday party and noticing 99% of everybody there is dating somebody LTR and/or married. Feeling really sad inside when I realize I’m the only 1% in that group who is single both in tax filing status and relationship wise. (My cousin is married with kids.)

    9. Trixie*

      Best: Enjoying a relaxing, low-key weekend after a glorious light work week due to weather related closings.
      Worst: Not worse but need to amp up cardio/weights routine. And ease up on the late night snacking!

  81. Meow meow*

    i haven’t stopped crying since last night. it’s like nothing has happened these last 7 years and i am exactly where i didn’t want to be. i wish i drank. i wish i could die from a broken heart.

    2. Pearl*

      I’m so sorry. Feeling like it’s going to be one way forever is the worst. I don’t know you, but I also don’t drink and understand the impulse of wanting to when you’re sad. Is there something else you like but don’t buy often that you could grab for yourself now?

      And hey, you got as far as getting to this page and commenting about it. That’s pretty big. Even if you don’t have anything to treat yourself, or you can’t think as far as getting to the store for it, pull up something that will fill the room without you having to do it yourself. Movie, TV, or podcast you’ve seen a hundred times. You don’t have to pay attention. You can even go to sleep to it.

    3. Ruffingit*

      Sounds like it’s been rough. Sending you whatever you need to feel loved and comforted (healing vibes, chocolate). Feel free to talk about it, we’re here for you.

    4. Thursday Next*

      That’s rough; I’m so sorry. Is there something you could do that would feel like an act of self-care and love? Soft PJs and hot cocoa? Your favorite childhood movie?

    6. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetheart…. just hold on…..life is still good….even at times like these. We’re here to talk and please reach out to a safe person IRL.You are in my heart. Wishing for peace in these days….

    9. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’m sorry it’s so awful right now. Internet hugs, if you want them.
      Does it help to know that you’ve come to a comforting place? People here are kind, wise, and genuinely interested in your well-being. Many/most of us have or have had our own sorrows; they may not match yours exactly but we’re able to empathize.
      (Warning: advice ahead. Well-intentioned but no offense taken if you skip it.) Sometimes it helps me to scrub the daylights out of something. Doesn’t change the rotten circumstances but I get a clean floor or whatever. Other times it helps to sit and feel horrible. Eventually the grief will subside, at least for a while.

    10. Effie, who is living her life*

      I am so, so sorry.

      We’re here for you if you want to share more.

      If you want to hide in bed and cry, we’ll be here when you’re ready.

      All my best to you.

    11. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so sorry you are hurting right now. I wish you peace and ease and comfort, but know they may feel out of reach right now.

      Be gentle with yourself right now. A wounded heart is a hard and heavy burden. Whatever has happened, please know that, while we can’t fix it, we will sit with you here and are here to listen.

    12. Meow meow*

      thank you AAM community for making me feel less alone. I am trying to slog through it and not give up.

  82. Different ways of grieving*

    My grandmother was recently diagnosed with cancer and went through one round of chemo. The chemo was never meant to cure her, just prolong her life a little. Her reaction to it ended up with her in the hospital for several days. Now it sounds like she’ll likely go into hospice. And I’m realizing that I suck at dealing with death.

    I’m super practical and I’m not a very emotional person, at least not in front of people. When my other grandmother passed away, after a long battle with Alzheimers, I didn’t cry at all. I think mostly because I did a lot of the processing through grief while she was still alive and by the time she passed away, she wasn’t the person I knew to be my grandmother.

    My mom, on the other hand, is very emotional and cries easily. (It’s her mother who’s going through this right now.) I want to be there for her, but it’s entirely possible I might not ever cry about it in front of her. Because of comments she’s made in the past, I’ve realized that she thinks this means I’m not sad.

    And, I’m kind of not sad. My grandmother is in her late 80s and has lived a very full life. She’s traveled to all seven continents, she was a teacher for many years, she loved and experienced art and music and literature. She raised four wonderful children and was a loving grandmother to eight super smart and motivated grandchildren, and she was even there for the birth of her first great-grandchild two years ago. She’s stubborn and can be kind of ornery, but she’s always been good about standing up for herself and her needs. So the practical side of me sees all of this and can’t help but think, That’s how a life should be lived!

    Anyone have any suggestions for how I can support my mom, who very clearly grieves in a way completely different from me, without “faking” any of the common signs of grief? Any other advice on having a loved on in hospice? What to expect? What might be surprising?

    1. Pearl*

      I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. It sounds like she had a good life.

      I have a similar dynamic with my mom, we express our emotions and process things in a similar way to you two. We’ve clashed over it in the past on other issues. I feel like I never have good advice for my mom, and I know she doesn’t want me to just say “I’m sorry,” so I try to say other things. If she’s talking about not wanting to lose something we both shared, I respond with a similar anecdote. Like, “I’m so sad about grandma.” / “I know, Mom. Me too. I remember when you and she and I all did X.” Or, “I remember you told me about X that you two did.” Or, “It’s going to be different. We won’t be able to talk to her anymore. That really sucks. But you can always talk to me.”

      Hearing me say ‘me too’ has helped me show her I’m not removed from the situation and that she’s not alone, even if I’m not also crying. I can’t always show my grief with crying, but if I can tell a story, it shows her I’m engaged in the situation. And usually that helps her tell her own stories, so she doesn’t feel like there’s no one she can share her memories with. Being there to listen to her always seems to be meaningful to her.

      I also wouldn’t discount talking to her about it. It’s awkward, but I once told my mom that I knew we didn’t express things the same way, and I felt at a loss to help her and didn’t want it to be that way. Asking her what she needed did help.

    2. LilySparrow*

      A couple things:
      1) Everyone is terrible at dealing with death. Because it’s terrible.

      2) It’s right and normal that you will grieve you grandmother differently than your mom does, because you are different people and that’s her mom, not yours.

      3) It’s actually good for your mom if you’re not both falling apart. If she gets upset because you’re not demonstrative enough, maybe you can gently reassure her that hey, the last thing she needs is to be comforting you. You’re there to comfort & care for her. She’s on the front lines, and you’re her backup. Losing your mom makes you feel lost in a way I can’t explain. It’s primal. You can let her know that you get how big a deal this is for her, even if you don’t feel it the same way.

      The hospice experience is different for everyone, and a lot depends on your grandmother’s state when they transferred her. Some people have months of lucidity to wind up things and process stuff with family.
      The 2 relatives I saw through hospice were not fully lucid for some time before they were transferred, and spent most or all of the time unconscious.
      Lean on the social workers and chaplain, even if you aren’t of the same religion. They are usually very gentle, practical, honest, nonjudgmental people who you cannot shock or offend, no matter what strange questions you ask or “inappropriate” reactions you have.

      It’s very common for people to gradually withdraw as they are dying. They may find it painful to be touched. You may not be sure if they are trying to speak or just uncomfortable. You may not be sure if they hear or understand what you’re saying to them.
      That uncertainty and discomfort with whether you’re doing it “right” is very hard. The advantage if not being overcome with emotion is that you can focus on what the dying person needs, and not on your own feelings. So be kind, be helpful, and be restful to be around.
      Just do the best you can – it’s all you can do, anyway.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you all have the easiest time possible.

    3. TL -*

      I just lost my grandmother – who was 6 days away from turning 92 – and I haven’t cried a lot because she also led a very full life and there was a lot of pain at the very end; I am glad she’s not suffering and that her body isn’t slowly breaking down anymore.

      But I do miss her. Maybe it’ll help if you can say things to your mother like, “I remember when…” “I miss Grandma’s….” “I always regret not ever asking her….” or even, “Grandma would have loved hearing about this!” and just letting your mom know that you still think about your grandmother.

      1. Amadeo*

        I lost my last grandparent, my maternal grandmother, two years ago. She was 94, had led a very full life and was so ready to be done with it all. Weary, Tired with a capital ‘T’. The only time I had tears was during the funeral when the director closed the casket. It was a blessed, welcome release for her and everyone there understood that. We all do miss her. I miss hearing “Heeeyyy!” when I walk into that house that my aunt is now living in and the pat on the hand with ‘Listen. Is there anything I have that you need?” (and if any of my family reads this site, I’ve totally outed myself to them).

        Telling stories about the people you loved and miss always seems to help us in our family at least. “Remember when…” or ‘s/he used to…”

    4. The Senior Wrangler*

      You sound like me.
      I lost my Grandmother of 92 a few months ago and I felt a mixture of sadness that she was no longer there, and just… acknowledgement that a long and full life had come to an end.
      What helped me was to find some space to deal with it privately, which doesn’t necessarily mean crying and feeling sad. I think I just thought about her, and the memories I had, and allowed myself to process and accept the fact that she was no longer here.

    5. Sylvan*

      I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. I process grief slowly and internally, which sometimes looks like a whole lot of nothing from the outside. It might help to talk to your mom about how you react to things differently than she does. She might be more accepting once she understands. And she might come to appreciate that you are there to give calm, steady support when she is overwhelmed.

  83. Bad Candidate*

    Alison, I know you’re a bedding-phile. (Or anyone else) What’s a good brand of sheets that isn’t crazy expensive?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’d love to know, too. I want something soft and cool, but I’m not really into the crazy high thread counts. I once found sheets I adored at Target. They wore out after about six years from so much use (I washed them often because they were my favorite) and I haven’t been able to find exactly the same thing again. Although, there are sheets at Target that are pretty close. Can’t remember what they’re called, though.

    2. Merci Dee*

      I got a couple of great sets of sheets from Wal-Mart. They’re the Better Homes and Gardens brand. They were less than $30 per set, but they’re wonderful. I knew they were cotton, of course, but I didn’t realize until I opened them to wash that they were polished cotton. So nice and smooth, and the pillow cases don’t grab and snag my various ear piercings – nothing wakes you faster than a cartilage piercing getting yanked during the night.

      Bonus – you can use a code on your purchase receipt to get a year’s subscription to the Better Homes magazine, whether you choose online access or the physical magazine.

    3. Temperance*

      I’ve actually bought some really nice sheets from OpenSky. Full disclosure, though: my previous sheets were pretty much “Hotel Luxury Linens” and felt like paper towels.

    5. The Senior Wrangler*

      I used the same sheets from when I was three until I was pretty much an adult. They were very faded by the time I got new ones, but oh so soft. They were Debenhams, and the most recent sheets I had from there were just as nice.
      If you can afford to, go for cotton not poly-cotton. It’s So. Much. Nicer.

    6. The New Wanderer*

      Charisma, 100% cotton sateen sheets. We get them at Costco. I’ve found that the “sateen” part is more important than thread count for soft feel.

      I got my son microfiber sheets from Target, they’re cheap and soft but really thin, not sure I’d recommend.

  84. Ruffingit*

    Do you ever feel somewhat bad about not including someone in a group chat, but that person is needy and annoying so you’d rather not? Have this issue at the place we don’t name on weekends. Jill is older than the rest of us and wants to be included in the chat, which she found out about by overhearing a casual conversation. But she’s just exhausting. Good heart, but I could not deal with her in a group chat. Small doses in person is more than enough.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Me and my friends solved this problem by inviting said needy person into a group chat and then having another group for such things.

      Totally get where you’re coming from.

    3. Temperance*

      I’m not sure if this is feasible, but I might invite her to the group chat and then create an alternative group chat. Especially if it’s just a fun thing.

      1. Ruffingit*

        Yes, sort of although we all have different jobs. The chat is not work related, it’s just social.

  85. Thursday Next*

    A heartfelt thank you to everyone who responded to my post last week about my terrible subway experience. I took a lot of strength from your comments.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thanks! Your posts always give me so much to think about, and your response to my post was no exception.

  86. amanda_cake*

    My gym recently moved and changed names. I haven’t been too happy since the move, since they dropped some of their classes, they no longer have the women’s only room, and I’m paying the same price to exercise in a smaller space with less stuff. It also seems like their target clientele has changed–they are now catering to people who are super into fitness and body building. Cool, but I’m not into that. The fees will go up after a year because they’ve bought new equipment, most of which looks super complicated/I’d never use it for fear of making a fool of myself or hurting myself. I had someone give me a walk through and I was like yep, never doing that, nope can’t do that, etc.

    I tried out the YMCA today and thought that was okay. I get a discount with my work, which is nice. It’s not a huge space and has a ton of amenities I wouldn’t use (tennis courts, I can’t really swim so the pool isn’t a huge thing for me, etc.) I guess I’m going to cancel my current membership and join the Y, but the thought of going in to cancel is giving me anxiety (mostly because I know they are going to ask me why I want to cancel, try to convince me not to, etc).

    I just needed to rant a little bit. Commiserate with me, anyone?

    1. nep*

      I hear you on the trepidation about going in to cancel — anticipating the marketing ambush.
      Whenever I’m facing something like that, I think of someone I really admire for their frankness, confidence, and directness. I envision them going in and taking care of the task. Matter-of-fact, not getting pulled in whatsoever — not being impolite, but just no-nonsense, boss-mode, getting it done so as to get on with the rest of the day. I find that this really helps me, and I often surprise myself with how I can handle things I initially think of as too complicated for me.
      Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Hope you’ll enjoy the Y.

    2. kas*

      Cancelling usually doesn’t bother me because I always make sure I have an excuse prepared beforehand. If the move made the drive longer for me I’d probably use that as an excuse.

      When my membership ended at my last gym, I was so sure they were going to approach me and ask me to renew it. I spent the last two weeks thinking of excuses but surprisingly, they didn’t say anything and they didn’t even try and contact me afterwards which was odd.

    3. Pearl*

      The sales pitch is not fun! If it helps, I put off cancelling a newspaper subscription for months because I didn’t want to deal with it. You cannot possibly be more awkward than me on the phone with them, I promise you. (I totally fumbled and said something like, “It’s a long story” twice, which was clearly throwing this poor man for a loop.)

      I’d go with the neutral “The move has changed my commute here” reason already suggested. You can follow up with something like, “Thanks for helping me cancel. What else do you need from me to confirm it? When’s the last time my card will be billed?” I work somewhere with a membership model and ‘What else do I need to do to confirm this?’ is very effective at giving me permission to end the convo.

    4. periwinkle*

      “This gym no longer suits my needs, so I am cancelling my membership.”
      “No thank you. I am cancelling my membership.”
      “No thank you. What do I need to do or sign to confirm the cancellation process.”
      “No.”

      Repeat as needed. You DO NOT need to justify, argue, defend, or explain. “I am cancelling my membership.” Remind yourself of this – you are the customer, you are ending the customer relationship, *you* are in control. No explanation, no excuses, no little white lies, none of that is needed.

      My rule of thumb is three strikes. If a sales-y type person pushes once, I say no thank you. A second time, they get a still-civil “no.” A third time, and I stop being nice. It’s a very liberating feeling to me to have that rule of thumb – I set the boundaries and if they keep crossing the line, I get to let loose and be thoroughly rude. It’s a rare occasion that a salesperson will earn that third strike but gosh, it’s nice to give myself the permission to be a hardass when it’s called for.

      1. DMLT*

        I do this exactly. And often I will say “My answer is not going to change, and you’ve pushed me X number of times. How many times will it take before you believe me?” or something.

    5. Chaordic One*

      If you can’t say you’re cold and if it is taking place during the day, you could say you sunburn easily.

    6. amanda_cake*

      They ended up being nice about me canceling. I couldn’t use the move as an excuse, since they moved less than a mile from the old gym.

      I’m going to walk the park since the weather is so nice, then to sign up at the Y.

    7. copy run start*

      Whenever I have to cancel something because I’ve signed up for something else, I sign up for the new thing first. That makes it easier for me to resist any marketing ploys to get me to stay — I’ve already committed to something else so I can’t stay.

  87. A bridesmaid*

    My cousin is getting married next month. His girlfriend asked me to be a bridesmaid. Neither of them have siblings and both of them asked all of their cousins to be in the wedding party. I am the only female cousin on my side. All of the other bridesmaids (her cousins and friends) and the maid of honor are a size 0 or 2 at most and look like they stepped out of a magazine. Same with the bride. Most of them are former models and they are all accomplished. One has a PhD and does medical research. One has 2 Masters and is teacher who builds schools in developing countries. One works at an embassy in another country and has done work for the U.N. in the past. The bride used to be in the army and now works as a paramedic. She was deployed before and is decorated for heroics in both the army and as a paramedic. I am a size 22 at least 4/5 inches shorter than the others and I have no college education and I work as a receptionist/admin barely making above minimum wage. I don’t look anything like a model. I had never met the others before this. I had gone to the dress store but I went on my own because everyone’s schedules were different and two of the wedding party live overseas. A few days ago was the final fitting. The dresses she chose are form fitted and sleeveless. I had tried telling myself that no one would be looking at me and it is the bride and grooms day so everyone would be focused on them. But I feel like a troll next to all of them. What do I do? They were nice to me at the fitting and went out of their way to include me in the conversation but I can’t stop thinking they were being fake or that they are all talking smack about me as soon as we all left the store. Rationally I know no one at the wedding will care what I look like and that the day is about the bride and groom. Irrationally I can’t stop thinking about how bad I will look next to the others. It is too late to back out now. Does anyone have any tips or advice as to how I can shut my irrational brain off? I really want to enjoy the happy occasion.

    1. Cheshire Cat*

      Do you have/can you get a pretty shawl that goes with the color of your dress? The bride may ask you not to wear it at the wedding, but you could put it on for the reception. You could say that you brought it in case you get cold. Even if it’s lacy & so kind of see-through it could help you feel more covered and less self-conscious.

      And you’re right — at the ceremony itself, everyone will be watching the bride & groom. Best wishes!

      1. A bridesmaid*

        Unfortunately I can’t use the shawl as an excuse because the wedding is a destination one. It is being held in a place where the average temps in February are in the high 80s or higher, and the wedding is a noon beach wedding with the reception held outside. It’s the reason she chose sleeveless dresses made from a thin (and unforgiving) material. The groom and groomsmen aren’t even wearing full tuxs and they gave the guests a heads up about the weather ahead of time. A shawl will look super out of place and I would be sweating buckets underneath it. I really do appreciate the suggestion and best wishes though.

        1. KAZ2Y5*

          I am your size and totally understand how you feel. For my niece’s wedding I had a sleeveless dress (and why do they only make sleeveless dresses for a dressy-dress!). I found a very lightweight shawl/scarf from artinsilk on Etsy. Quite a few of them are thin/see-through and would be appropriate for warm weather. And as someone else said below, I also got undergarments for my dress (Spanx, I think) and I did feel more confident in my dress.
          I hope you have a wonderful time there – they would not have asked you if they didn’t want you!

    2. LilySparrow*

      Im so sorry! I grew up as the odd cousin out in a bunch of literal beauty queens. It sucked.

      I think, if self-talk will help, it goes beyond “nobody’s looking.” She didn’t have to ask you. They could have set the whole thing up differently.

      She actively wanted you there. Why would she be talking smack now? Is she a horrible person? Because only a horrible person would go out of their way to include someone, and then make fun of them behind their back.

      She’s seen you in the dress. Obviously, she doesn’t think it’s important that you look different. She thinks it’s important that the family be there together.

      So I totally get why this is uncomfortable. But you standing up for them is a gift. It’s probably a more “expensive” gift than they realize, in terms of the emotional cost to you.
      But maybe that’s something kind of cool to be happy about. You are giving them an incredibly generous wedding present, just by being there.

    3. Ellie*

      They invited you because they wanted you! That’s what matters, not people’s jobs or whatever- for this event, you’re there to support people and wish them well. To quote Missy Elliott, get a pedicure, get your nails done, get your hair did, then have a good time. When your beauty doesn’t immediately fall within parameters of boring mainstream ideas, it can be easy to get down on yourself, but that’s a system that succeeds by making you think you’ve failed. You’re fine, just as you are, with the job you have, doing the things you’re doing. No one is better than you for any reason, and you deserve to be happy and enjoy yourself.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I can understand your feeling a bit intimidated being around these people. However, I also believe that you are telling yourself the truth when you say that most of the attention will be focused on the bride and the groom.

      Your being a size 22 didn’t stop them from asking you to be in the wedding party. At least they aren’t shallow and concerned with with physical appearances. That should count for something.

      (I was once UNINVITED from being a bridesmaid because at 5′ 12″ tall I didn’t fit in with the other bridesmaids and was also taller than the groom, the best man, all of the groomsmen and the ushers, and the minister. Yes, I’m a tall drink of water. I’m no longer a close friend with the bride. Go figure. I did attend the ceremony as a guest, however, and managed to hold it together and to be pleasant throughout the entire ordeal.)

      If I were you, I’d be honored to be in the wedding party. But then after my experience, I’m kind of biased. Yes, I imagine that you’ll kind of have to force yourself to make small talk with the other people there. But I think you can get yourself psyched up to do it. If you’re really feeling self-conscious about your arms, you might get some kind of jacket to wear after the ceremony and after pictures are taken. (If anyone says anything about it, say you’re cold.) Get your hair done and wear your best makeup and then, have a good time and enjoy the food. If you’re not driving, enjoy the drink.

      I find that when I’m in a situation where I don’t know anyone, I try to make small talk with anyone else in the room who doesn’t seem to fit in. Like, I’m always surrounded by old people, or gay men, or lesbians, or the shortest person in the room, or else I’m the only white person in the middle of a group of black people. Try something like that.

      Also, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more accepting of my looks and of the fact that I’m never going to be a petite flower. I no longer deliberately try to be a wall flower and have gotten to where I enjoy being dressed up and wearing makeup. I even wear heels, which is a big thing for me because then I’ve over six feet tall.

    5. Chaordic One*

      If you can’t say you’re cold and if it is taking place during the day, you could say you sunburn easily.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I used to be around your dress size, so can sympathise. It’s difficult enough finding clothes that flatter and make you feel comfortable day-to-day; buying something chosen by someone else which isn’t flattering to your shape makes you feel self-conscious before you start.

      May I suggest shapewear under your outfit? Not because you should do anything to alter how you look, but because I found it made me feel more confident wearing something more form-fitting. It just smoothes the lines a little, and holds everything in place!

      Other than that, I would echo what the other commenters have said; get your hair/nails/make up done so you feel as confident as can be, and know that your cousin will appreciate you being part of her wedding.

      Good luck and Internet hugs from a stranger who understands, if you want them.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Shapewear (as long as the edges fall in a good spot) can also help the dress slide instead of bunching. It seems like another layer would just be hotter, but I hate hate hate the feeling of satiny/silky clothes stuck to me when I’m sweaty.

        1. Ron McDon*

          Yes, good point.

          Some shapewear is less hot than others.

          I am in the UK, so don’t have any useful advice regarding brands for those in the US, but as an example, I have ‘wear your own bra’ shapewear bodies from Marks & Spencer (UK company). They control everything from under my bra down to the tops of my thighs, but not so that everything above and below bulges out like Spanx did when I tried that on (I looked like an overstuffed sausage in Spanx). I wore one under a summer dress in 100 degree heat in Florida in August, and I honestly felt no hotter wearing it than when I went without it. And it stopped my dress sticking to me, and smoothed my shape out so it looked less ‘lumpy’.

          But I do know they aren’t for everyone, so YMMV.

    7. Loopy*

      I once had to be a bridesmaid in a dress that made me very self conscious (strapless). I politely asked if the bride would allow me to have thin straps added and had it done at two weeks at a local tailor. If there is something that would make you more comfortable (maybe not a heavy shawl but a thin fabric or lace bolero might be an option) I wouldn’t hesitate to politely/casually ask if the bride would mind you wearing it outside of the ceremony/pictures.

      As for how you feel in comparison, I’m going to be a bride and it never ever entered my head to think about my potential BM’s work or compare them. Truly, I focused on our relationship when I was thinking of who I am going to pick. I don’t know if that helps but I do hope you find a way to stop seeing yourself only in comparison to the other BMs. You should feel loved and appreciated- though I know it can be easier said than done. I’ve been at tables with lawyers and doctors and pilots (I am nowhere near any of that).

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Try telling yourself “this is not helpful” when you start thinking negative thoughts. Then distract yourself or focus on your breathing or something like that. Remind yourself that you’re family, not a hired model. Practice looking in the mirror while standing tall with a confident smile. I also like to watch Drop Dead Diva when I’m feeling down about my size. You’re there to stand up for and support the bride and groom. You are more than your appearance and accomplishments. And the other members of the party are too. Get to know them and let them get to know you. You can try shapewear, but if you weren’t wearing it for the fitting it might not help you now. it’s a fitted dress that has been fitted to whatever shape and curves you had then. Shapewear doesn’t always magically shrink your existing curves equally, sometimes it moves things around and eliminates curves. What you were wearing at the fitting is what you should wear to the event. Also, if it’s too hot for a shawl it’s too hot for heavy shapewear. When you’re at the event, enjoy yourself but try not to consume your feelings. That may not be your thing, but it’s easy to do in this type of situation and inspire more negative thinking. Just make yourself up as your best you and stand tall and confident while standing up for your cousin.

    9. HannahS*

      One piece of self-talk that I find helpful is to remind myself that my self-consciousness comes from within me, not from anyone else. When I worry that other people think something about me, it’s really because I think that about me. It helps me, because then I only have one person’s misconceptions to correct–mine! So when you find yourself thinking, “They’re all so accomplished and beautiful and thin, they must think I’m stupid, fat, and ugly,” try reminding yourself that they don’t think that, you do. And while a month might be a short time to change the way you feel about yourself, it might help you be able to put it aside for short periods to enjoy yourself. Like, “…they think I’m fat, they think my job is lame–wait, no, they don’t. I think that! But I’m not going to worry about my job or body today, because today is about Cousin and Cousin’sWife.” And then do something to distract yourself, like strike up a conversation with someone, or go dance, or go check if the bride has had a chance to eat something.

  88. The Other Dawn*

    Any recommendation for a good lumbar pillow? There are lots on Amazon, but I’m agonizing over which one to buy; lumbar support is pretty important for me so I want to avoid “junk.”

    I’d like one to use with the new desk chair I got today. I found a chair that’s “close enough” and didn’t break the bank, but of course it feels different now that it’s home. I just don’t have the motivation to disassemble and return it since it was such a PITA to assemble.

  89. FD*

    My cat died this morning. It was a shock because it wasn’t really expected. She had gotten sick on Wednesday, I took her to the vet, they gave her some meds, and she was acting like she was feeling better (moving around, drinking water, etc.). Then I got up this morning and she…didn’t.

    She was the first pet who was really mine so this is the first time I’ve gone through this, and it’s really tough. To add to that, I’m trying to take this brutally hard bootcamp (coding) class right now and my concentration is shot.

    I just need to vent a bit, and maybe some commiseration.

    2. nep*

      So sorry for your loss, FD.
      May you find ways to grieve, even with the work you’ve got for the class. Hope you’re able to sleep well, which can go a long way to help concentration especially in tough times.

      1. FD*

        Thanks. I had been sleeping OK, though I’ve been doing so much coding that it’s been coming into my dreams even.

      1. FD*

        Thank you. I’m at home now, and it’s tough looking around for her and expecting her to come up for petting.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’m so sorry. It sounds like she passed peacefully in her sleep, which is probably the best way to go. Take care of yourself. And don’t let anyone tell you it’s just a cat. They’re part of our lives.

      2. FD*

        It probably is, and I would rather she went that way rather than having to take her to the vet to be put down, as going to the vet was always An Ordeal. I’d have hated for that to be the last thing.

        But it hurts anyway. :(

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      Oh god, FD, I’m so so sorry.

      Take some time for yourself and let yourself feel the grief. I believe that you need to feel it totally before you can even think about doing anything else. Don’t rush anything.

      1. FD*

        Thank you. This last year has been very tough for me especially, and part of it is that I literally can’t stop and do anything at the moment and I’m worried that when the pressure’s off I’m going to crash hard.

    8. Max Kitty*

      I’m so very sorry. It’s a hard loss. Harder in some ways because a lot of people just don’t get it.
      If you haven’t already heard of the Rainbow Bridge poem, Google it. It makes me tear up every time, but also gives a lot of comfort.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      This is so sad. Their systems are so small, something that wouldn’t bother you or me can be a deal breaker for them, because of their small sized bodies. You took care of her and she knew you were taking care of her. That is so important.

      I waited 8 years to get a dog after we got married. Long story short the dog passed away after 18 months. I was CRUSHED. As you are saying it was my first pet in my adult life and I had been on edge waiting to get a dog. We went and got another dog. That second dog turned out to be The Dog of My Life. He was with me for just over 14 years. I hope I can encourage you that you will have more pets that are really yours. I think I work harder at taking better care of my guys because of losing the first. Not that I did not work hard enough the first time, but because I realized just how big a treasure they are to me. You are right that it is not the same. Each one has shown me something or taught me something. And I carry that new knowledge forward to guide me with the next one. They enrich our lives no matter how short or how long they stay.
      I am sorry for your loss.

      1. FD*

        Thanks. I probably will sometime, but not soon. I’m in a place where it’s possible that some pretty amazing work opportunities could get dropped in my lap, if I was able to pick up stakes and take them, so I don’t want to get another pet just now.

    10. Agnodike*

      I’m so sorry. My cat died unexpectedly due to an undetected congenital defect and I vividly remember the shock and the gut wrenching distress. We also euthanized him after a night in the kitty ICU to see if he might improve, and I was also upset that he didn’t die at home. The vet on call who performed the euthanasia said that one of the drugs they give them basically puts them into a relaxed state that’s like a pleasant dream, and that’s the last thing they consciously know. That helped me a lot to hear. Losing a companion is really rough. I’m sorry you’re going through it.

      1. Agnodike*

        (Sorry, I misread and thought she had in the end died at the vet. Passing away at home after a long life is, i think, the best way possible to go, so I hope that offers some comfort.)

      2. FD*

        Thanks. I am glad I didn’t have to do that, even though I would have if I’d known she was hurting and wouldn’t get better. I agree this was probably the best way to go, but it still also hurts.

    11. Anon for this (because I’m paranoid)*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your kitty knew how much you loved her.

    12. Amadeo*

      I am so sorry. I have a 20 year old cat, she’s still going and frankly this time last year I didn’t expect her to be here now, but she is. If there’s any small solace, I am desperately, selfishly hoping that this is how I find her one day – simply gone in her sleep. I can and have gone through The Decision and that last trip to the vet, but of all the horrible options, this one would be the one I’d choose.

      Vent, cry, blow off your class for the day if you need to (or bury yourself in it, as the case may be). They are only with us for a little while, but we love them dearly anyway.

      1. FD*

        Thanks. I am glad that it was fast and probably fairly easy. And honestly, when I got her, she wasn’t in the best shape (she’d been on her own for a year or so and she was skinny, matted, and generally not terribly healthy). So I was lucky that she was with me for more than three years.

        But I still miss her.

  90. DrWombat*

    DrWombat here (formerly StubbornWombat but I turned in my dissertation last weekend so just a bit over a month till everything’s official!)

    Today I adulted and did some of the erranding I’d put off till dissertation was turned in, which primarily meant buying new bras as well as some interview clothes. Because of weird sizes involved, this required about a 100 mile drive to the nearest store with my size, but success! If anyone is looking for a good sports bra, btw, the Elomi Energise is the best, especially if you’re narrow band/large cup. It feels like it’s made of kevlar, and keeps everything locked down tight. Highly recommended ^^ Also if anyone is bay area CA, Revelation in Fit is really good if you can’t find your size elsewhere.

    Am now chilling at home and working on the next part of Project Gratitude – current project is for one of my professors. It’s a pig in a labcoat and goggles with a beaker by it, and the phrase “Animal Scientist” underneath! (pattern by nerdylittlestitcher on etsy, text added by request)

    1. The Senior Wrangler*

      I hate underwear shopping. I try to always buy bras before I really need them, so I don’t have to stress about replacing them. It mostly works…

    3. FD*

      Congratulations! My mental image of you is now of a cute cartoon wombat with glasses and a lab coat. (I don’t know your field, but I love the idea of a wombat in a lab coat.)

      1. StubbornWombat*

        My field is livestock sustainability, but a wombat in a lab coat would be pretty cute, admittedly. I like them because they’re stubborn, short, and just keep going no matter what – which makes them a perfect fit for me! I have the pig in a labcoat pattern, I’m now debating making one for me that’s a wombat XD

  91. Neighbor's Howling Dog*

    I’m hoping the AAM community can help me with advice. A lovely family moved in across the street a few months ago and we’ve become friends. They are helpful and kind. I took care of the young daughter’s pet lizard when they were traveling, and they are hosting me for dinner in a couple weeks to thank me.

    They have a friendly dog who is fine when they are around, but she howls for hours when they’re away. The howling is so loud that she can be heard inside at least three other homes in the vicinity and it’s nerve-wracking for us. At least some of the time she’s outside, and I suspect that we might be hearing her even when she’s indoors. Clearly she has separation anxiety and I feel sorry for her that she hasn’t had the training she needs to be left alone. This is not a new dog, they’ve had her for years.

    My neighbors used to live in a rural area so maybe it wasn’t a big deal before. I’ve seen my neighbor drive up, hear the dog when she was in the yard, and try to get her to stop so I think they’re aware. This is a new one for me. How can I approach this with them?

  92. Merci Dee*

    Approach it from the standpoint of concern for the dog’s well-being when you talk with them about it. That puts you all in the same corner, because you’re obviously just as worried about their beloved pet as they would be. Maybe recommend a visit with the vet for some tips, and also to make sure there’s no underlying condition. Also, the vet should be able to suggest a few good trainers in the area to help with strategies to combat the separation anxiety.

    What you really want to stay away from is the suggestion that “the dog annoys me and you need to fix her.” That’s sure to shut down any productive conversation.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My father said a howling dog is a lonely dog.
      This stuck with me.
      When my pup started howling I was beside myself.
      I googled. I fell into a guy’s blog talking about huskies. He said you have to howl with your husky. oh boy. Every night we sat and howled together. We did this for 8 nights and on the 9th night I told my pup, “okay it’s time to howl” and he walked away from me. He’s never howled again.

      This leads me to, you could try going up beside the house and howling with him.
      You could tell this story here and suggest they howl with him.
      Or you might suggest they leave a radio on for him. Sometimes dogs respond to a radio very well. The idea is not to drown out the howl. The idea is to have soft background noise that gives them the sense they are not alone.
      You could also tell the story of a poster here who within the last week or two got a second dog for her lonely/needy dog.

    4. Adele*

      Eh, unless they let it go on. Poor dog, yes, but poor neighbors who have to hear it. Knowing it disturbs their friendly neighbors may spur them into action. They already know the dog howls.

  93. AnonAndOn*

    Because of my current situation (discussed in the Friday threads) people in my personal life feel the need to give me advice on my situation even if I don’t ask for it. It’s frustrating that I post “no advice” but people will give it anyway. Or I’ll turn off the comments on a post on social media and they’ll send me a private message to give advice. Their need to be heard tends to trump my wishes being respected. It’s that idea of them feeling like they know my life better than I do. And feeling like I don’t have it together right now is frustrating because if I did have it together people wouldn’t feel the need to try to fix me or correct me as much.

    I realize that these people mean well and they want to help me out of a frustrating situation but unsolicited advice is overwhelming. A lot of the advice is something I’ve already tried or something that isn’t in my best interest. I am working towards responding politely to unsolicited advice with replies like “Thanks for the suggestion!” (though I have no interest in pursuing said suggestion) or the all-time favorite, “Thanks. I’ll think about it.” I find that there’s no point in arguing with people because they’re going to give me advice whether I want it or not.

    The thing is that people want to speak more and listen less, and that could be where unsolicited advice comes from. It also could be that they’ve got things going on in their lives and it appears “easier” for them to fix someone else’s problem than to work on their own.

    I realize that I’m guilty of giving unsolicited advice (pot calling the kettle black) and I’m working on catching myself when I feel that urge to do so. A few days ago someone vented about a bad experience on another message board I visit. I found myself about to reply “Well, did you try…?” but caught myself. That person was not looking for advice so I didn’t give it. A lot of times people just want to be listened to. I know at times I just want to be listened to.

    1. TL -*

      I think for venting, ect… it’s often better to have one-on-one conversations or conversations in groups with close friends – if you’re reaching out to a large group of people, it often feels more like crowdsourcing than venting. At least, I usually associate venting with close friends (who vent back so I have some whine credit.)

      1. LPUK*

        Except that there may not be ‘close friends’ around to vent to. Not everyone has that privilege, and sometimes the mere act of writing it down helps to vent in the moment. This is a generally supportive community and I have seen lots of threads where people have rallied to commiserate with other commenters, without proffering advice so I don’t think TL is asking for much, and it’s a good message for many of us that sometimes ‘just’ listening is actually the most helpful thing you can do!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Yep, and on AAM my requests for no advice have always been respected.

          Could you delete messages offering advice and not respond to them?

        2. LPUK*

          Whoops sorry – should have read ‘ I don’t think Anonandon is asking for much’ . Wanted to address TLs comment head-on as it could be read by OP as shutting down discussion ( which I’m sure is not what TL meant to do.
          And Anonandon, i’m sorry you are having a rough time in your personal life and I have experienced exactly the same frustrations as you have. I’m generally a very practical person, well capable of advocating for myself and fixing my own problems, but occasionally I just want to wallow in the moment (occasionally curled up on the floor!) and it’s so frustrating not be be able to get my feelings out without being interrupted by other people’s solutions – that’s not where I am, or what I want at this precise moment! My Dad and sister are particularly bad at this. So I don’t talk to them at these moments!

          1. AnonAndOn*

            Yep, that’s close to what I’m getting at. I just want to vent and get those feelings out of my system instead of letting them fester inside me. I do journal about my feelings but at times getting it out by posting to my social media helps me too. And if I had insurance and could see a therapist then I would do that too!

        3. TL -*

          I vent to my friends via text/messenger/the internet all the time (and they vent back) – I prefer in person but I’m halfway around the world from my nearest and dearest so – sometimes they wake up to pages and pages of messages because I had a bad day while they were asleep. And, yeah, not meaning to shut down the conversation at all!

          I agree that listening is often a great skill to have but I think expecting just listening and sympathy from most social media platforms is just going to end up adding frustration on top of frustration. Though Ramona’s point is well made – there are platforms that will respect a no-advice clause and AAM is one of them! And those are great to use.

      2. AnonAndOn*

        These are friends and family that I’m talking about, not strangers. And I agree with LPUK that not everyone has immediate, direct access to a trusted person or trusted group of persons that they can speak with. And I communicate better in writing than in person, so that’s another factor.

    2. Lady Jay*

      I just wanted to say that I sympathize! I get unsolicited advice all. the. time. when I share a problem I have, or vent a little. If I want advice, I’ll ask for it, but people feel the need to jump in and give advice when I don’t ask.

      I think the reason this is so frustrating is it implies that if I were just savvy like the advice-giver, I’d pull things together easily; it downplays the problem.

      I do think the reason that some people, especially family/friends, giving unsolicited advice is that they feel kindly towards me, and want to help solve the problem. It’s still frustrating to be given advice, but I do like to remember that it comes from a good place.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        OTH, people who don’t like venting can skip the post OR if the conversation is in person they can tell a friend to tell them about a problem when the friend is ready to tackle it.
        I have a no dumping zone around me. After decades of listening to the same people vent about the same problems, I had to stop. I can’t take the energy drain any more. I also realized that I was helping to perpetuate the problem. On the plus side, my friends know if they want help with something, I will indeed help them. I do keep my word on that part.

    3. Thlayli*

      Maybe be even more explicit that you don’t want advice by saying at the start “I’m just venting here – please don’t give me any advice, I don’t want advice I just want to vent. I will ignore all advice”.

      Anyone who still gives advice after that would have to be pretty dumb.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        I set those rules when I post. I post things in the lines of “comments are closed because I don’t want advice, and if anyone tries to send me advice via IM I will ignore it and delete it.”

        It’s more about me not getting upset when people give advice regardless, because the people who are doing it aren’t trying to be rude and they do care about me.

  94. Bridal Makeup Anon*

    Seeking reassurance!

    So I get married this Spring, and I had my hair & makeup trial this week. I don’t wear a lot of makeup (or know much about it) so when my MUA handed me the mirror after she’d finished doing what I asked for I got a REAL shock. Honestly, I felt like a drag queen. I didn’t *feel* like I was wearing a lot of makeup, but to my inexperienced eye it looked like an awful lot – she assured me I wasn’t, that every woman who doesn’t wear much feels that way at first, and pointed me to photos of other real brides in her portfolio with the same amount/type (they looked stunning – just how I want to look). I did get more used to it after a couple of hours, and retrospectively I’ve pinpointed the things that were bothering me most to change on the day itself, but I’m worried that I’ll still feel self-conscious :(

    I did my ‘due diligence’ as we say here, checked out her reviews and very active Facebook and Instagram pages with new photos of her clients (brides/BM’s/mothers/prom-attendees etc) uploaded as she goes – they all look fantastic – fat, thin, young, old & everyone in between – so I can only assume it’s the alien-ness of wearing that much makeup to me. She is lovely and I felt very at-ease overall.

    I can’t really afford a second trial so… I’m hoping some of you can just tell me you felt the same and that you loved your wedding look & photos in the end?! HALP.

    1. kas*

      I’m not married but your feelings are very normal. I wear makeup but I prefer a natural look (I wear light foundation). I went to look for a new foundation once and had a salesperson try one on me (which I never do) and I hated it. I’m just not used to seeing myself like that. I felt way overdone.

      Could you maybe go to a store like MAC or Sephora if you have one near you and have them do your makeup one day to compare? I always see them testing products on people who ask. I’m not sure if you have to pay for a full face of makeup though.

      1. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        Glad it’s not just me! I think some department stores here will do a mini makeover for free so I may well try that. I might also try applying my own makeup with a heavier hand just to get used to it! The ladies in her portfolio look beautiful and natural so I do think it’s just a personal perception issue.

    2. Elkay*

      One of the things to bear in mind that bridal make up is done with photographs in mind so it might feel a little more extreme than day to day make up.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yes, this. I did my own makeup and my impression is that professional work is more like TV makeup, heavier for cameras than what you’d wear every day. So it’s a question of what you want for your wedding.

      2. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        Yeah, that’s what she explained. I did take a couple of photos afterward and the ‘heavy’ foundation looks fine on camera – a colleague loved the pictures actually, and she’s used to wearing serious makeup for events.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      I felt the same, listened to my gut and changed MUA.

      If the trial wasn’t what you requested I don’t see why you should have to pay to redo it.

      1. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        I mean, I got what I requested, and I feel good about her and her skill – I really think it’s just me!

    4. Ron McDon*

      I had the same thing – I looked in the mirror and immediately went ‘ohhhhhh’. I felt the eyeliner was too heavy under my eyes – the MUA reassured me that that was how it was supposed to look, and that it would look good in the photos and I’m sure she was probably right, but I hated it – it didn’t look like ‘me’.

      I decided to do my own make up in the end. You may prefe to have a professional do it if you have certain issues you wish to cover, or if you don’t wear make up often and aren’t confident, so I would say perhaps try someone else, and particularly mention that you want a more natural look.

      If you want to try doing it yourself- and you have time to experiment – go to a makeup counter somewhere and ask them to suggest products/colours for your skin and give you a makeover. These are usually free/a deposit is taken that is taken off the cost of any purchases you make afterwards. Youtube is also really good for make up tutorials and showing you techniques. Practice, practice, practice!

      Good luck.

      1. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        Ah, I had the under-eyeliner issue too, but she was 100% happy to remove it for me.

        I’m certainly going to look at upping my makeup game, regardless of whether it’s for my wedding or just future events!

        Thank you :)

    5. Kuododi*

      Back ages ago when DH and I got married I splurged on professional hairstylist but honestly it didn’t occur to me to look into a makeup artist for the big day. At that time I did wear the stuff, very lightly, but honestly had no clue how to do makeup for photos/weddings. My sister did my makeup on the day… she’s a designer and has always had a great eye for color and placement. Additionally, her hand is much steadier than mine so less chance of smearage!

    6. FD*

      Real question, not snark. What is more important to you, how you feel about how you look on the day, or how you look in the photos later? Those are both valid choices.

      If you would rather look amazing in your photos and videos, since those are what you get to keep for years to come, you probably *do* want to wear makeup that’s a bit heavier, even if it feels a little weird. If you did theater or anything like that, it may help to think of it as stage makeup. The goal is to look your best in pictures and at a bit of a distance (since most of the guests won’t be up close to you all the time). You need to exaggerate makeup a bit for that.

      If you would rather feel comfortable with your makeup on the day, then maybe choose someone who will do a lighter touch, even if there’s a trade off in not looking as perfect in the photos. Remember, the photos are to remember the wedding by, and you want to remember feeling good about it as well as looking good.

      1. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        Thank you! The answer is ‘both’ really, but at a push I definitely want amazing photos. I hardly have any photos of myself, let alone ones with my H2B – beautiful wedding photos have been a priority all along, which is why this makeup issue has got me so bothered in the first place.

        I took some photos after the session and showed a colleague today and she loved it so that’s made me feel a lot better too. She’s used to this kind of makeup for events so I’m trusting her judgement! I did actually do a lot of theatre as a teenager so thinking of it as stage makeup can actually help me too. Magic.

        1. FD*

          I’m glad to hear that showing someone a picture was reassuring!

          I’m glad if thinking of it as like stage makeup is reassuring too. You (presumably) won’t be under a spot light, but there are still some similar challenges (most receptions have lower light to make them feel more magical, shots taken during the wedding itself are often at a bit of a distance to catch the environment).

    7. Thlayli*

      Without seeing I can’t tell if this is the issue or not, but be aware that bridal makeup HAS to be much more than normal because it has to last the whole day. It’s just not possible to go for the minimalist look and still look good 12 hours later.

      I normally wear very little makeup and I was pretty taken aback by the sheer amount of makeup, but she convinced me to go for it, and it actually looked great in the photos even at the end of the night and loads of people complimented me on it.

      1. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        Yes, I suppose I was thinking my MUA would also be some kind of wizard and have ~Secrets~ to just make minimal makeup stay on a face all day.

        Thank you for the reassurance!

      2. misspiggy*

        Yes! I did mine myself, and definitely prioritised feeling like me on the day over photos. Although in the weeks before I had practised working up to much more makeup than usual, on the day I still had to nip off and reapply about four times.

    8. Friday*

      It’s normal for the makeup to look over-the-top to the person not used to wearing it. For my wedding I did my own, because I’m very familiar with my face with stage makeup from years of skating. But even now I look at those pics and wish I splurged on a makeup artist because they probably would have pushed for just a little bit more that would have looked even better in pics.

      False eyelashes really make a difference btw.

      1. Bridal Makeup Anon*

        Thank you. I think that as long as the two things I didn’t like are tweaked (which is easy) I just need to let go and trust that the professional I hired knows what they’re doing to help me achieve my wedding & wedding photograph beauty goals.

        Haha I did try falsies for the first time too! I have long eyelashes anyway so I looked like Bambi – love it.

    9. Dear liza dear liza*

      Totally the same. I felt like a drag queen after the practice session. But on my wedding day, with my hair done, my fancy dress- I don’t think she toned it down, it just worked much better than when I was in jeans and a t-shirt. And my photos came out great!

    10. Drama Llama*

      My cousin wore zero make up for her wedding. Not even lipstick.

      She said it wasn’t “her.” She had a beautiful dress and did up her hair. But she wanted her own face she felt comfortable in.

      That’s the main point – YOU should be happy with the look. For some brides this is heavy professional make up. For others it’s minimal and naturalistic look. Even if a hundred people think you look amazing, it would be pretty crappy if you can’t look at your wedding pics without thinking “gah that doesn’t look like me.”

      Even when the MUA is talented and the make up flawless, your opinion is the one that matters in the end.

    11. Nearly a Fed*

      I’m late to the discussion, but I just wanted to chime in and say I had the same concern when I got married two years ago. I couldn’t even do a trial run because I had an out-of-town wedding. So, I didn’t have much of a choice after the makeup was done, and I really thought it looked over the top (I asked for a neutral look) – especially my eyebrows!! But the MUA assured me it would look natural in the photos. The first thing I said to my husband during our first look photos was “does my makeup look awful??”, lol! Anyway, I quickly forgot during the wedding because I didn’t have to look at myself a whole lot anyway (and there is so much else going on), AND the pictures turned out beautiful and the makeup looked very natural, which is what I wanted.

  95. Effie, who is living her life*

    Competition training update! Two weeks to go!

    I had a really strong week this last week so it felt good, since the previous two weeks were definitely weak weeks. I’m hoping this momentum carries me but since my period is coming the day of my competition I also know realistically I may have just hit my peak. Glad that I kept stretching/doing mini cardio even when I felt like crap and didn’t have the energy to do full run-throughs the previous two weeks before last.

    My fellow competitor friend and I are going to another studio (we teach at the same studio) that has a setup more similar to the competition grounds than ours, so that’ll be exciting. I’m nervous, too, so here’s hoping it goes well!

  96. Kali*

    Okay, I got Christmas and Thanksgiving, but why no new episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend this week? :(

    1. TL -*

      because the showrunners are mean, mean people! :(

      They only have 5 (?) ish episodes left, so I think they’re trying to drag it out a bit longer.

  97. Kali*

    I am still really mad at my ex. His name was Tom; we met in a geeky met up in 2014 and became friends. I asked him over for dinner and kissed him first when the time seemed right, and we became a couple. We moved in together about nine months later, and, nine months after that, we broke up.

    My system for household chores is to pick one to do everyday, to create a weekly schedule, so I did that. So, Monday clean the floors, Tuesday, clean out the hedgehog, and so on. He ended up doing most of these because he got up earlier than me and *tried* to beat me to them. After things between us fell apart, he told me he’d felt like I was telling him to do the chores and that he would get into trouble if he didn’t get them done. O_O I think he got this idea from his mother, who would be very passive-aggressive about chores; he just assumed I would be the same way. My attitude was more to look around, think “the floor looks okay today, I’ll do it tomorrow after cleaning the hedgehog”. When he brought it up, the solution was easy; we used magnets to assign each chore to one of us every week. I’m mad that he spent nine months resenting me and lying to me, and when he did bring it up, it was in the guise of “solve this problem for me!” not “I don’t like this system, how about we try this?” or even just “can we try something else?”.

    Another problem is that I have an eating disorder. So does his sister, so I thought he would be more understanding. Shortly after we moved in together, he bought a kind of peanut butter I don’t like, and I asked if we could get a different brand next time (this kind had added e-numbers, which really isn’t necessary when the cheaper varieties are just peanuts, oil, and salt). He got incredibly angry and upset, and accused me of eating “pounds of chocolate”, which wasn’t relevant. I like chocolate; that’s no reasons for unnecessary e-numbers in peanut butter. I should have left him then, and almost did. From that point on though, I struggled to eat in front of him. It was fine if we were eating at the same time, like at home, but in restaurants, I couldn’t eat if he finished before me. Sometimes he would refuse to order food when we were out for lunch, which meant I couldn’t eat anything either.

    I feel like I should explain more about his parents at this point. Both overachieving perfectionists, who constantly passive-aggressively told him he wasn’t good enough and wasn’t working hard enough (perhaps the reason behind his sister’s eating disorder?). He felt like, if he didn’t do two solid hours of exercise every day, he was letting everyone down. He was also working on a PhD during this period, which did not help our stress levels. I suspect he had some kind of undiagnosed anxiety disorder; he was afraid and anxious about a lot of things, but forced himself to do them anyway, like going climbing despite his fear of heights and cycling 17 miles through traffic twice a week despite a fear of traffic. He felt like he had to deal with these things entirely by himself; I think he was afraid of even showing weakness.

    I’m mad that he spent so much effort on facing fears like heights and traffic, which are easily avoidable, and that he didn’t face his fear of being honest with me or opening up to me, or his fear of not being good enough.

    Our last Christmas together, we spent with his parents. I struggled to eat the entire week; I had no autonomy to buy or prepare my own meals, and his family are all extremely thin and active. Plus, I knew there was someone else with an eating disorder at the table, and it was really hard for me not to directly compare what we both ate. This made me incredibly stressed and unhappy. At one point, after I’d confided to her about how I was struggling, assuming she’d understand because of her own daughter’s issues, his mother cornered him in the kitchen when they were alone, said “Kali’s difficult isn’t she?” then burst into tears and said “I only want you to be happy”. I know that she is always going to want what is best for her son, and our relationship wasn’t it. I also believe that that action was manipulative and controlling, rather than an impulsive, unavoidable and expression. Of course, I am very biased, in all of this story.

    Our break-up took much longer than it should have, as Tom constantly tried to be ‘nice’; he did not understand the difference between being a friend and being friendly, and was unable to just be brave and make a clean break. I wonder if he felt like he had to constantly repress his desires in favour of others, and he almost needed his mom’s permission to break the implied promises he’d made to me? Anyway, the one thing I’m really mad about; he told me I was “too selfish to be in a relationship with” because we communicated differently. He’s the sort of asker who only asks when he really needs something; I’m the sort who asks for things knowing that the answer will sometimes be no. Not understanding or discussing this lead to him feeling more pressured and also feeling that the things he did were not reciprocated. He also felt that I should have known how he felt about the chore chart, despite the fact that he would do chores when I was asleep or at work, or physically push me back on the sofa to prevent me from doing the washing up.

    I’m a little less mad now I’ve written that out. :/ That poor, messed-up guy.

    1. Kali*

      Oh, I forgot the most important part; I’m mad because he lied for so much of our relationship that all the good memories are, in Inside Out terms, no longer yellow with joy, but tinted with fear, anger, and sadness.

        1. Babs*

          I totally feel you on this. My ex used to do something similar. We’d go out to a restaurant or something, and I would have a lot of fun. Then, two weeks later he would text me out of the blue, “Hey, when we met up at that restaurant you seemed really angry with me. And when you said xyz to the waiter, that was really rude to me because blah blah blah.” And I would have been very happy the entire time, and not angry at all! And two weeks later, I would have forgotten what I even said to the waiter. It started to make me feel like I couldn’t trust any good moments with him.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m sorry to hear about all this. It sounds like the relationship didn’t feel safe or kind or like you were on the same team.

      For what it’s worth, I have some problems with food too, a week of being unable to control my own meals would be super hard and I find it really difficult when my partner finishes eating before me so I really hear you on this. You’re allowed to be mad.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I too am sorry about this relationship. I would love to hear in the future that you are able to take care of your own health, physical and mental. Being dependent on others for ones healthy food choices never worked for me. If I want a certain kind of peanut butter. I buy it. I eat it. No one gets to have an opinion about what goes into my mouth. I share my food choices with professionals and we make choices based on my needs. I need 3 meals a day and 2 snacks. I need to eat on a regular schedule. Brunch is basically a bad idea for me. I may go for socializing and have a protein based snack.

        My husband is capable of going 6 hours without food. Skipping lunch, skipping breakfast. Not me. I always have a protein snack with me when we go out because I need to eat on a schedule.

        If I travel, I bring enough for the row or the husband because if I don’t other people are eying my food and want a “taste” or a “bite”

        1. Kali*

          He didn’t have control over my food choices when we lived together. We made a meal plan together and shopped together. On that occasion, he’d done our first grocery shop alone because he drives and I was unpacking.

          My current relationship is a lot better in many ways. Firstly, he eats well, but not obsessively well; he’s addicted to gummy bears. Also, he has never given any indication whatsoever that he’s watching and judging what I eat, which the ‘pounds of chocolate’ comment did!

    3. Purple snowdrop*

      That all sounds really hard :(

      I don’t really have anything to say other than that but I just wanted to let you know I read your post and this internet stranger hopes you’re ok.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This is sad for the both of you.
      It is very hard for two wounded people to care for each other. Part of the reason is they are busy tending their own wounds. Another part is that our wounds can make us seem self-focused and we can assume others understand our predicament when they don’t.
      When my husband and I fell off the motorcycle at 60 mph, we were both pretty banged up. There were a lot of “I” statements, “I need”, “I want” and so on. This was almost necessary for each of us to do as we tried to heal our bodies. We brought in a third party to relieve some of that. My father stayed with us for a few days until we found our new, temporary normal. This meant we had prepared food and he made sure we had the medical supplies we needed. But odd things still happened. My father made a HUGE salad, figuring it would last a couple days. It took him two hours to make this salad. My husband who had been living on non-nutritious hospital food for ten days, devoured the whole salad in one sitting. We are talking a dinner plate piled 8-9 inches high in the center full of salad. He ate it all, we were shocked. Then my father realized, “No, my SIL is not being rude, he actually needs that nutrition to help his body heal.” Dad made another large salad the next day. The next day we were NOT surprised to see my husband eat all that salad, too. He healed quickly and strongly.

      But this salad story shows how hard it is for two wounded people to actually give each other meaningful, useful care. There was no way I would have known he would eat like that and with a punctured knee there was no way I could stand and prepare that much salad. My husband could not drive to the store to get bandaging supplies for me, nor would he know which products I preferred.
      Please excuse the simplicity of my example, your setting is much more complex. But I see a common thread that the two of you just could not help each other the way each of you needed to be helped. No doubt you are mad, I would be, too. His issues could have been fixed if he spoke up. He did not speak up, for any number of reasons.
      I hope that time eases this story for each of you.

      1. Kali*

        Thank you. :) I’m now in a loving, supportive, open relationship, with someone who is pretty mentally healthy. His family are lovely too. My food issues are more under-control. The problem back then was being around someone who had revealed that they watched and judged my food choices. Even though he only said it once, I assumed he thought it every time, especially his and his family’s attitudes towards health and fitness were so obsessive, and it ate away at our relationship (pardon the pun).

        The fact that I’m in a better place now makes me more annoyed that I’m still mad about this, but sharing has really helped!

      2. Dainty Lady*

        Your dad sounds wonderful, NSNR.

        Kali, I have no wisdom, but thinking kind thoughts for you. Glad to know that you are doing better and I hope the ex is as well.

  98. The Senior Wrangler*

    Just treated the dog to the classic desserts “antibiotic avec beurre”, served after a main meal of “kibble de chien”. It went down very well.

    1. TL -*

      Somewhat related, my friend was complaining to me that she couldn’t get her baby to take a bottle (she’s heading back to work in a couple of weeks) and all I could say was “I know how to get a baby calf to take a bottle. Probably not helpful?”

      Tricking animals into taking their meds is always amusing, though!

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Mine doesn’t like peanut butter (I KNOW, he is weird), so it’s always cheese. Goat cheese for the big pills. We used to buy a block of cheap cheddar to administer his Benadryl; he now thinks that “Benadryl” is the word for “cheese”. Nah, no, he’s not spoiled, not at all.

    3. Sylvan*

      Hahaha.

      A dog with less sophisticated tastes might enjoy antibiotic with Easy Cheese or a Pill Pocket, if he figures out the butter.

    1. DietCokeHead*

      I remember reading that last week and I thought that’s something I would do too. I hope you enjoy the movie today!

    3. HannahS*

      I went to see it with my grandmother, who actually enjoyed it even more than I did! It’s a real visual treat.

    5. Rookie Manager*

      My local cinema does a ‘screen unseen’ where you get to see a mystery movie before release date. The Shape of Water was the most recent one. I loved it. Hope you did too!

    6. Kuododi*

      Oh my goodness….DH and I saw it on the 8th for our anniversary splurge. He knew I had been wanting to see the movie….it did not disappoint!!!! The design and creatures from Guillermo del Toro are absolutely gorgeous.

  100. nep*

    I like this response by Zadie Smith in a Q&A in the Guardian:

    Do you have any secret techniques for overcoming self-doubt?
    As you know, there isn’t really any solution to self-doubt. In the end, you just have to write and doubt simultaneously.

  101. Mimmy*

    Anyone use the Wet Brush?

    I’ve been using the Wet Brush for several years – the packaging claims that it detangles wet and dry hair gently and can be used on all hair types. I’m on the fence about that because my hair still gets pulled out!

    Also, what’s the best way to make the brush last? I know they get dirty over time, but I just got rid of one yesterday because all these little white pieces of fabric–I call them fuzzies–got all tangled up in the bristles. Cleaning the brush did not help and getting them off with a needle was too painstaking.

    Finally, what’s the best way to store it when you put it in a suitcase or (for a mini-sized brush) a purse?

    1. Enough*

      Just started using wet brush. I normally wait for my hair to dry before I brush. And while not perfect but I do find it better when I have to brush my hair wet. The fuzziness do annoy me. My only suggestion for packing is put it in a zip lock bag.

    2. A Non E. Mouse*

      I litaerally throw my hair brushes into the washer with a load of towels to clean them. Much faster.

      I’m sure they don’t last as long, but I just do not have the patience for hand cleaning them.

    3. Elizabeth H.*

      I’m so intrigued – I would never in a million years brush my hair wet, only comb. What does it do to be special/less damaging than other brushes? Some hair is always going to come out though, every time, we shed constantly.

      I don’t really use brushes but the times I’ve had to, I would clean them actually by combing them with a regular comb, the hair comes right out.

      1. LilySparrow*

        It doesn’t have bristles per se. They’re more like flexible rods with a bulb on the end, spaced very widely. I’m not sure why it works so well for detangling, but it’s far more effective than a comb.
        They may say it also works on dry hair. For styling, perhaps. But it doesn’t detangle so well if the hair is dry.

    4. LilySparrow*

      It’s about the only way U can detangle my daughter’s fine, wavy hair. It literally ties itself in knots.
      The trick is to not pull straight through the hair. You pull down until you hit a tangle and then flick, so the nubbins at the end of the bristles are separating the hair without yanking on it.
      I haven’t had “fuzzies”. We just pull the hair out periodically and sometimes wash it with soap or shampoo and water.

      There is a model that folds up – that might be good for a purse.

  102. Purple snowdrop*

    Oh I meant to say. Dolores from the Cranberries died! She was so young. Currently listening to their first album. Very sad :(

    1. Introverted introvert*

      It’s really sad- the day before she passed I was rocking out to ‘Zombie’ and then the news broke.

    2. Mimmy*

      I was really surprised too – I’ve had their songs in my head all week. I know they didn’t reveal the cause of death initially, but have you heard anything since?

    3. Chaordic One*

      Long before she ever passed I would listen to “Ode to My Family” and it would bring tears to my eyes. She will be missed.

  103. Aurora Leigh*

    I got some great tips for Colorado Springs when I posted about boyfriend’s and my vacation plans for April. Thanks to everyone who replied!

    Still interested in any road trip or tent camping advice anyone would like to share. :)

    Also, we are trying to find a campground near Omaha, Nebraska. Was looking at Lake Cunningham Dam Site 11, but being a federal campground, the website is down.

    Here’s our iternary:

    Day 1 — Drive from home (central IL) to Crater of Diamonds State Park in AR.

    Day 2 — Diamond hunting!

    Day 3 — Drive to Valley of Dinosaurs State Park in TX. Stop in Fort Worth for an escape room.

    Day 4 — Drive to Fort Davis TX.

    Day 5 — Visit family in Fort Davis.

    Day 6 — Drive to Rosewell, NM. Camp at Bottomless Lake State Park.

    Day 7 — Drive to Colorado Springs. Camp at Cheyenne Mountain State Park. Take cog up Pikes Peak (if open?), visit Miramar Castle, eat atPoor Richards.

    Day 8 — Drive to Omaha NE. Find place to camp.

    Day 9 — Omaha Zoo.

    Day 10 — Head home through MO, see family briefly on way back.

    1. Clever Name*

      Mahoney State Park is less than an hourcrom Omaha. I’d reserve a site in advance, as it’s pretty popular. Omaha is also right on the border with IA, so look for places to camp near Council Bluffs too.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Thanks I will look that up!

        We’re planning to start making reservations at places in a couple weeks. I know April isn’t the busiest season, but last summer we went to three campgrounds before we found one that wasn’t full! (It was a weekend but not a holiday one)

        1. Clever Name*

          I’d make other plans for your CO Springs day. I know a lot of the mountain stuff that’s not skiing doesn’t open for summer until Memorial Day or later. Although, we’ve barely had any snow this winter, so you might get lucky. :)

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Being from the plains, we mostly just want to see mountains lol. The website said to check for hours in April, so we have our fingers crossed since we’ll be going in late April.

            1. rubyrose*

              As to camping in Colorado Springs in April – you might want to think more about this. Now, I missed the comments last week, and maybe you already have this covered. Just be sure you have a backup plan.

              I just need to share my first Memorial Day weekend when I moved to Colorado. I had befriended a local who said she had camped out quite a bit, over a number of years. She suggested that we should go camp for a couple of day at Eleven Mile State Park, which is a little over an hour NW of Colorado Springs. I trusted her, so we went.

              My first clue that something might be amiss was when we arrived on Friday late afternoon. The two campers that were there packed up and left. No one else came to join us. It was cold and windy. We put the tent up and went to sleep, shivering. I realized in the middle of the night that it had gotten warmer, but did not think anything about it. When we woke up in the morning, we discovered that the top of the tent was caved in by the snow that had fallen. The snow surrounding the tent had formed an igloo. We quickly threw everything in the back of the car and went home.
              In Colorado, altitude is everything. That same weekend people were camping in the metro Denver area with no issues.

              1. Aurora Leigh*

                Oooh. We will definitely be keeping an eye on the weather! Not sure we are that hardy lol. It is just one night we’ll stay, but still. . .

                Bf was asking friends in the area about the weather and they seemed to think we’d be fine . . . but we have budget to do a couple of hotels of need be.

  104. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone from Cleveland, or know a lot about it?

    My favorite band, Def Leppard, is headed there for a show in May, and my sister and I decided to hit that show since the R&R Hall of Fame is there (on her bucket list), as well as a friend I met at a Def Leppard concert about five years ago. I’m from CT and sis is living in NY, so the plan is to drive to her house, stay overnight with her, then head of out the day of the show. My friend is in Youngstown, so we would see her either on the way there or on the way back since she’s a little over an hour from Cleveland.

    I’ve heard it’s Not Great in that area, so I’m wondering where we should stay. We’re thinking we will go for two nights, although I’d prefer three. If it matters, we would be staying May 28 through May 30.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. My thought is to see her either on our way there or on the way back. We wouldn’t go to Cleveland, go to see her, then go back to Cleveland.

        1. BRR*

          I would either look downtown or around the intersection of 77 and 480. It’s about 15 min south of downtown and you’ll generally find lower rates and won’t have to pay for parking. Not too hard to get to the hall of fame or the art museum (would highly reccomend if you have spare time; it’s great and free).

    2. DCGirl*

      For what it’s worth, when my husband and I went to the R&R Hall of Fame, we found that some of the downtown hotels have special rates that include tickets to the HOF, especially on weekends. It saved us some money.

    3. Brunch with Sylvia*

      I’m a Clevelander. It is a reasonably safe city. Parking at The Q is easy.If you don’t want to stay downtown, then I will second the 77/480 area (Independence, OH) as a close place to stay- lots of mid range hotels and restaurants and easy to get to downtown and to Youngstown.
      Cleveland has a world class art museum, symphony orchestra, great restaurants in little Italy, downtown and in the Flats by the Cuyahoga river. The science center is right next to the R&R HOF. Shopping esp downtown is just meh and the city hasn’t done enough (anything) to develop the waterfront. May is a nice time to go!

    4. BatteryB*

      The Rock and Roll HoF is awesome. My son and I went several years ago because they had a special Jimi Hendrix exhibit. My son is a huge fan. We spent the whole day there and still didn’t see everything. I don’t know if they still have them, but on the sidewalks around the museum, they had guitar sculptures that were gorgeous. We took lots of pictures of those.

  105. Introverted introvert*

    Any suggestions for trying sushi for the first time? Any recommendations on what to try first? I’m not a big fish person, but the place we can’t talk about here is Japanese and they all go out for sushi a lot and I’ve never had it before.

    1. Lily Evans*

      Most sushi places have a decent amount of veggie options if you don’t like fish! Some have rolls that are just cucumber or avocado (or both), or cooked veggie rolls with like carrots or mushrooms, or my personal favorite tempura sweet potato. California rolls with imitation crab are also a good beginner sushi, they don’t taste overly like fish and the product is cooked if the raw thing weirds you out. If you like crustaceans more than regular fish, tempura shrimp rolls are really good too and also cooked.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I started with California rolls and graduated from there. I’d say if you like shrimp, something with shrimp is a good option since it’s cooked. If you’re not a big fish person, but want something with fish, I’d say those are good options. I probably wouldn’t venture into tuna, salmon or eel. I like the first two, raw or cooked, but I just can’t get myself to like eel even though it’s actually not fishy tasting. Just knowing what an eel looks like is enough for my to say no.

    2. HannahS*

      First off, there are plenty of things in Japanese restaurants in North America/Europe that aren’t fish, so you can find a meat or noodle or soup dish on the menu, too (unless you’re saying you’re actually in Japan, in which case I don’t know). As for sushi, I’d say to try something that you don’t mind cooked–so raw salmon if you’re ok with cooked salmon but not raw tuna if you hate cooked tuna–and try rolls (maki sushi) first, rather than the kind that’s an oblong of fish over rice (nigiri). Rolls have plenty of flavours and textures that aren’t fish, so it’s a good place to start.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I had the opposite advice. :-). Avoid the fancy rolls if you’re at all a picky eater like me. I basically can’t eat any of them because of the sauces that get used, but I love sashimi (slices of raw fish, served plain) and nigiri (slice of raw fish on a little bed of rice, usually with a smear of wasabi). Simple rolls are good too – single filling (fish or veg) wrapped in rice with a piece of seaweed around it.

        Before I ate sushi, I always ordered teriyaki and it was fine. In fact I miss getting teriyaki and udon now that I prefer sushi.

    3. Grumpy*

      Sooo jealous.
      Tempura sweet potato slices are good, cucumber rolls, miso soup, beef/chicken teriyaki — all good.
      (**Looks at sad lunch sandwich and cries a little**)

    4. Merci Dee*

      I second the plan to go with cooked sushi. My daughter absolutely loves shrimp nigiri – it’s a piece of cooked shrimp with a swipe of wasabi on the underside, laid over a little mound of sushi rice. Simple and easy.

      I’m not a fan of fish at all, whether cooked or raw, so I stay with the shrimp options, as well, since they’re always cooked. My favorite has tempura fried shrimp rolled inside a sheet of nori with rice; then sliced and arranged with shrimp, scallops, and crab on top with eel sauce and spicy mayo. It’s phenomenal, and the flavors play so well off each other.

      Basically, don’t be afraid to experiment. You might not think you’ll like it, but you’ll probably be surprised. My coworkers are Korean, and they introduced me to sushi … I love it now. And I’ve gotten my parents and daughter hooked, too.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      If you’re not into fish but are okay with egg, most sushi restaurants will also have a Tamago (sweet egg with rice), along with the cucumber and avocado rolls others mentioned above.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I do love fish, even raw, but my favorite sushi rolls are things like spicy crab and shrimp and crayfish, all of which are cooked. They’re super easy to eat and interesting. I’d have a plan for navigating sharing — I find sushi eating to be fairly communal with some groups (i.e., the whole table will order a variety of options expecting that everyone will share), so if you don’t want to share, I’d just have a casual sentence in your back pocket to politely decline.

    7. Temperance*

      California rolls and shrimp tempura are my favorites, and were the first that I tried. I recommend maybe going once on your own or with a friend to try. Miso soup is also great. I have had excellent sweet potato rolls as well.

      FWIW, I tried sashimi once and it did not agree with me at all.

    8. Kerr*

      Reading this thread with interest, since I’m such a sushi newbie. (I never went out to eat much as a teenager or young adult, and still don’t due to the expense, so I feel completely out of touch with foods that my peers are well-versed in.)

      I’ve only dipped my toes into sushi, but I’ve enjoyed shrimp tempura rolls and California rolls. A lot of rolls have spicy mayo, which I discovered I hate. Also hated the one eel roll I tried. I’d try to find a roll with a fish you know you like, instead of trying something completely new.

    9. Elizabeth H.*

      Are you in Japan and the sushi place is JUST a sushi place or are you in the US (or another country) where usually it’s a Japanese restaurant that has many other Japanese cuisine dishes on the menu?
      If you are going to a Japanese restaurant that has non-sushi stuff and you just want to be able to order something, teriyaki (chicken or tofu) is always a good bet, so are shumai (dumplings), tempura and noodle soups (e.g. tempura udon soup, cold or hot soba, ramen)

      If you do genuinely want to try to appreciate sushi that’s fish, I would say actually try to get something pretty standard that any good place will do well which is going to be salmon, hamachi (yellowtail) or tuna sushi. Or eel (which is cooked and the sauce is AMAZING). A lot of people are recommending shrimp (ebi) but I think shrimp sushi is rarely if ever really good at a sushi place.
      There are vegetable maki and tofu maki and tempura maki also but rolls are different from “sushi” – if you’re hoping to get an appreciation for fish in sushi format I would suggest trying the classics.

    10. BatteryB*

      The first time we tried sushi, we asked the waiter what he’d recommend since we were newbies. He put together a sampler plate for us that was awesome. This was a family situation though.

  106. NicoleK*

    We just started my father on hospice a few days ago. After he passes, how many death certificates will we need? I’ve been doing some research on this topic but haven’t found much info. I’m usually the person in the family who helps my parents with their paperwork. He is still married to my mother, has no assets, is on Social Security, and on some county assistance. I believe most of the utilities are in my mother’s name. Thanks.

    1. Enough*

      The funeral home might have a recommendation. Or the l lawyer that drew up your father’s will. I have seen reference to a dozen in the past.

    2. fposte*

      I got ten and used three; of those, I think two got returned to me. It is easier to get them at the time so getting an excess is worth it, but I wouldn’t feel the need to go over ten unless they’re really cheap where you are and the lawyer recommends it.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sorry you are facing this. i hope you have support for yourself while you support your mom with the paperwork.

      Death certificates were discussed in a recent weekend open thread–some time in the past month or two. Not So NewReader had one or two useful comments. You might try using her name and “death certificates” as search terms in the AAM archives. Or maybe someone else will post here with a precise URL.

    4. HannahS*

      I’m sorry to hear it. One thing to bear in mind is that if your father has grandchildren or other relatives in college/university that will miss school to attend the funeral, they may need copies of the death certificate to submit to their schools, so it might be a good idea to have one convenient for them to photocopy or scan.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      First off, sorry for what you’re going through.

      Most of mine were to transfer accounts, so it depends — if your parents had one bank account between them and it’s a joint account, your mom will probably have to bring one certificate to the bank, and they’ll probably make a photocopy and then take your dad’s name off, although that might not even be necessary. It might help if your mom later has to bring in a check made out to your dad to deposit in that account, though.

      But like fposte said, it’s not that expensive to get them at the time, but it’s a huge pain to get them later on, so definitely overestimate. It’ll vary a lot based on how the institution handles the paperwork, too, as some will just verify it, make a copy, and hand it back, and some won’t. If you have to mail it, you’ll probably need to mail an official copy.

      If you can, make sure your mom’s name is on all utility accounts now, though. Otherwise, that’s the other thing that you might have to deal with that I haven’t. (Both my parents were divorced and living alone when I had to deal with their estates, so turning off utilities was probably easier than it should be, and changing the name and/or address is usually more complicated than closing an account.)

    6. Anono-me*

      Some localities charge a smaller fee for subsequent copies. (The first certified copy is $15.00 and each additional copy is $2.00.)
      The other thing to consider is the hassle of getting additional copies if you need more.

    7. Someone else*

      It probably depends on your situation, but I seem to recall we found we needed 14 for my grandfather. The lawyer who has the will can probably recommend a more specific number, but if you’re ballparking, probably at least 10.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I just did my aunt’s estate. The funeral home recommended 6. I think I used 1, maybe.
      A lot of places like the credit bureaus didn’t need originals, just a PDF. So much is electronic now. Social Security and Medicare didn’t need one.

      I’d say probably one for each insurance policy (other than Medicare) or financial institution where you have to claim a benefit or close/change an account.
      If your mom is joint on the bank account and house, you won’t have to do anything with that.
      It also depends on whether he has a will and who the executor is. I was able to show Letters Testamentary. If he’s intestate and you have to get some other form of authorization, you may need more originals as backup.

  107. Sylvan*

    A while ago, I posted about my grandma being in the hospital. She’s recovering from surgery now and she’s back at her retirement community (social butterfly that she is, she loves living with her friends). I wanted to thank nep, Max Kitty, and “brrr” for their kind words and advice a couple of weeks ago.

  108. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I’ve recently started making an effort to listen to more audiobooks, and I’ve run into something that I’ve honestly never faced before. The actor who read the book I just finished kept mispronouncing words to the point that I found it distracting. The book is set in Russia and some of the Russian names (of actual people– it’s a history book) were pronounced kind of oddly, but that didn’t bother me. But English words, like “observant” (she said “OB-zer-vant” when quoting a letter” and “tercentenary” (she kept saying, “ter-CENT-ary”, which wouldn’t have bugged me once but she did it throughout an entire chapter that focused on the tercentenary of the Russian empire. There were numerous other pronunciation mistakes throughout.

    My first thought was, “Who the heck is directing this?” followed by, “Didn’t she read a page or two ahead before she did this?” I found it so jarring. I guess, though, that there’s nothing I can really do, considering the book was far from a blockbuster. I usually find some kind of perverse glee in pointing out glitches (as in, “Ooh, ha, I would have done that too!”) but this was just irritating. Is this something that’s just par for the course in non-bestseller audiobooks with unknown actors reading them? Maybe this is why I’m such a fan of Edward Herrmann.

    1. HannahS*

      Hah! I have no idea. That sounds frustrating but funny. I have heard that some audiobooks are narrated by volunteers for free libraries, but I’d guess that’s just for things that are in the public domain.

    2. FD*

      Oh, that is annoying.

      My favorite audiobooks is a fantasy series by S.M. Stirling, and he *loves* putting in foreign languages. The poor audiobook reader does his best, but I suspect that the results are cringeworthy (he has had to pronounce Gaelic and Sindarin Elvish among others). The worst for me was when they included some Latin bits used by Catholic characters and the reader massacred the pronunciation.

      He also constantly changes his pronunciation of “athame” and “Lughnasadh”, which both pop up all the time as one of the major groups in the series is Wiccan. Part of me feels like saying JUST PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT.

      To be fair though, I suspect that a lot of these folks are reading a lot of different books at bits and pieces. And I suspect that a lot of audiobook readers just have to sit down and read without much lead time.

        1. FD*

          The reader is good otherwise! Not too dramatic, but just dramatic enough you can get into it. And the author really didn’t make it easy on him.

      1. fposte*

        I’ve always heard and said “ob-ZER-vant.” Like “servant” with an “obz” prefix. Your two-l “Traveller” handle makes me wonder if there’s some global variation on this one.

        1. Traveller*

          I’ve been caught out! I’m a Canadian attempting to blend in to the US (moved to California last year).
          I keep finding new words & spellings that I didn’t realize were Canadian, like double L’s.

          Beyond the obvious ones like tuque, eh, hoser, skookum, chequing….every week I find new more subtle things:
          I’ve also learned to say process as “praw-cess” not “proh-cess”, to look for the “restroom” not “washroom”, to use the “garbage disposal” not the “garburator” and to park my car in the “parking garage” not the “parkade”.

          I’ll add observant and double l’s to that list :-)

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Interesting to me if there’s variation! Never heard it pronounced differently, even in different accents. I will say, though, that she definitely sounded American or was trying to. You can hear it in the “o”s. :-)

      2. nep*

        I’ve only heard it as ob-ZER-vant — never with the first syllable accented. Anyone else hear it that way? Is it a location/regional thing?

  109. Name changed to protect the innocent*

    A woman I’ve been friends with for years and who was an attendant in my wedding a year and a half ago has suddenly “fallen off the map.” She has not responded to emails scheduling get-togethers with the attendant friend group, or to periodic texts, calls or cards. I know she’s busy but she was busy before, too.

    I’m cool with just letting it go if she wants to end our friendship, but I am concerned because
    1. If I have done something to offend her, I’d like to apologize and see if we can fix the relationship
    2. For a variety of reasons, I’m wondering if her boyfriend is isolating her – just a gut feeling rather than based in hard facts, but at this point I have no way to communicate with her to ask

    Do you think I should continue to reach out or just decide to forget it?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I would continue to reach out, but only because of the possibility of it being her boyfriend. If that wasn’t an option I would just send her one more message and leave the ball in her court.

      Because of the possibility of her boyfriend isolating her I would just send her friendly messages when you think of it, just to let her know you are still there. If and when she is ready, she’ll know you are there.

      But for your own mental health I think I would not expect any answers.

    2. HannahS*

      Maybe reach out with a “You haven’t been replying to my messages, are you ok? I totally get if you’re just really busy right now and can’t make much time for us, but if there’s something I’ve done to upset you, I’d really like try to fix it,” and see what happens.

      Over the years, I’ve had friends undergoing some Very Serious Stuff, and others who seemed to be flaky–but I was never sure if there was Serious Stuff that I didn’t know about–and I straight up just asked them if they wanted me to continue to include them in conversations, group chats, invitations to hang out, etc. I didn’t want to bug or pressure them, and frankly didn’t want to put in effort if they weren’t interested, but I also didn’t want them to feel like I ignored them during a difficult time. Both said yes. I framed it as “Hey, I don’t want to stress you out and bug you with invitations, but I can also just include you in everything and you come whenever you want/feel you can, no pressure. Which works better for you?”

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      I think you can send one last text/email/voicemail (whichever is your primary way of contacting her) saying that you miss her but you’re respecting her space, but you would always love to hear from her if she decides to reach out 1, 10, 20 years from now. Then leave it at that.

      Things get weird when weddings are in the mix. It’s possible that she was already wanting to pull herself out of your friend group for reasons that had nothing to do with you, but the obligation of being in your wedding extended her stay in the group. I actually did something similar but to a smaller degree. I attended the wedding of someone whose friend group just wasn’t my speed anymore. The timing of the wedding makes it seem like I blew her off right after the big event, but the truth is that I had been in the midst of fading for a long time, but the optics of attending a wedding made it seem like I was still fully invested in the group.

  110. Chicagoan*

    Favorite face masks? Looking for something thats effective but also enjoyable to use. Any price.

    1. Anon for this (because I’m paranoid)*

      Are you looking for a specific outcome? What type of skin do you have – dry, dull, red marks (wait, that’s mine!). I love Ole Henriksen’s Power Bright 3 step brightening treatment, which includes a polishing sugar mask. The Power Peel is also great. For dry, First Aid oatmeal mask is nice, as is Origins Drink Up overnight mask, but that’s really more like a heavy night cream that a traditional mask.

    2. Meeeeeeeee*

      I love anything by Freeman’s. I personally use the charcoal gel mask + scrub, but I’d trust anything from their line. Doesn’t break me out or burn like most, and I’ve reccomended it to numerous people with varying skin types and they’ve all loved it. Around $4/tube, anywhere from Dollar General to Ulta.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Queen Helen’s mint julep mask is fun. It’s not really a legit treatment. It temporarily shrinks/dehydrates blemishes and does a half-decent job of sticking to the stuff in your pores and pulling it out. It’s really cheap so it’s a good place to start.

      I love Andalou’s pumpkin glycolic mask. I use it once a week to smooth things out and keep my skin consistent. I wear makeup at least six days a week (I work every day except Sunday) and I find that this mask is a great reset. It’s a much more affordable version of the Peter Thomas Roth pumpkin mask, if that’s something that you’re interested in.

  111. Sister problems*

    My sister is disabled and needs daily help with managing her two kids. She will eventually need a wheelchair. Since her second pregnancy her marriage has been on the rocks. He moved out without any notice a few months ago. Then moved back in without saying anything. He yells at the kids a lot. He’s rude and dismissive of her. Her life would be better off without him but that’s her choice to make.

    I found out she is pregnant with her third. I stayed as calm as possible but on the inside I feel like strangling her. Her husband has all the educational background to earn a good living if he wanted to…except he doesn’t. The longest he’s stayed at a job was three months. My parents give them money out of their retirement fund. She can’t work. She comes over every day and gets my mother to help babysit. My parents are supposed to be retired now but they’re struggling with two extra babies. One has major behavioral issues and the other has chronic health problems. It’s hard on them but they can’t say no because the kids will suffer.

    I can’t believe she is pregnant again. It was a planned pregnancy. Her husband isn’t going to contribute to child rearing. She can’t do much. So that leaves my aging parents to do all the hard work. I want to punch something right now.

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