weekend free-for-all – February 10-11, 2018

by Alison Green on February 10, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Live From New York: The Complete, Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live as Told by Its Stars, Writers, and Guests, by James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales. This is an exhaustive oral history of the show from the start, from its fights with censors to the fights among its stars to how the writing gets done. You’ll learn things like how different celebrity hosts treated people, and why everyone hated Chevy Chase.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Leela*

    I’m trying to read more non-fiction but find a lot of it too dry for my tastes. Does anyone have any good non-fiction recommendations for a fiction reader?

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Any particular subjects you find interesting/would like to know more about?

    2. Okay then*

      Granted I listened to the audio book, but I really enjoyed The Storm Before The Storm by Mike Duncan – it’s the history of the beginning of the fall of the Roman Republic.

      I love history but I tend to just read fantasy/scifi.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berednt – it’s just so good. His writing is brilliantly engaging and it flows so well.

      Tracks by Robyn Davidson – your more typical retelling of an adventure but she’s really down-to-Earth and very honest.

      I’m an avid fiction reader but I really enjoyed the above two.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I love that book! I also love The City of Falling Angels, also by John Berendt. It takes place in Venice, and it’s so good!

      2. fposte*

        Oh, I loved Tracks. I think they made a movie out of it at one point but that it didn’t make much impact in the U.S.

      3. Almost Violet Miller*

        I loved the film based on the book and have had the book on my reading list since then. Thanks for the reminder, I should look into getting it.

      4. Parenthetically*

        LOVED Tracks! Read it aloud to my husband on a road trip and it made the long miles go much faster.

    4. nep*

      Depends on your interests.
      I really enjoy these two books by Peter Hessler (about his time in China) — River Town and Oracle Bones. Those are a couple that come to mind.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      Weapons of Math Destruction: How Big Data Increases Inequality and Threatens Democracy by Cathy O’Neil

      Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology by Leah Remini

      Pretty is What Changes: Tough Choices, the Breast Cancer Gene, and Learning How to Live in the DNA Age by Jessica Queller

      Myths of Gender: Biological Theories about Women and Men by Anne Fausto-Sterling

      The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe V. Wade by Ann Fessler

      You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

      Newjack: Guarding Sing Sing by Ted Conover

      On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King

      Men, Women, and Chain Saws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film by Carol J. Clover

      A History of Mistresses by Elizabeth Abbott

      Teaching Malcolm X: Popular Culture and Literacy Edited by Theresa Perry

      Unfamiliar Fishes by Sarah Vowell (definitely get the audiobook version)

      The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? by Leslie Bennetts

      The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

      2. Florida*

        Another vote for Weapons of Math Destruction, Newjack (which I think was an AAM recommendation once), On Writing, and Henrietta Lacks.

        If I remember correctly, Newjack and Henrietta Lacks were both very short, easy reads.

          1. Nye*

            Hm, I’ve been thinking of trying Henrietta Lacks but was really turned off by interviews I’ve heard with the author. (I felt she grossly misrepresented the scientific side if things in favor of the story she preferred to tell.) But I’ve heard enough raves about the book I wonder if it’s much better than the interviews make it out to be.

          2. Kali*

            I’m studying genetics, and we had to discuss the ethics of Henrietta lacks in our tutorial session the other day. :( I read the book a few years ago, so I was able to go on a proper rant about it.

      4. Anonymous Analyst*

        Deborah Tannen’s You just don’t understand made my so angry to read (it was a required text for my feminist epistemology course in college, but was used mostly as an example with which to critique binary thinking on gender). If you pick that one up, make sure to read it with an eye for the time it was written in, and with a grain of salt, or in tandem with Anne Fausto-Sterling’s book, which Anonymous Educator also recommended.

        Also I second Newjack.

      5. Kimberlee, Esq.*

        Actually, to piggyback off this, The Autobiography of Malcolm X (as told to Alex Haley) might be a great way to go. Very narrative but still non-fiction (and mind-blowing).

      1. nep*

        Oh good reminder — I liked King Leopold’s Ghost also.
        How could I forget — one of my all-time favourite books, Orwell’s Homage to Catalonia.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation, in which she (and various drivers) visit locales from the lives of presidents who were assassinated. It’s a mix of history, travelogue, and human observation. Your high school history class probably skipped over the weird free love cults of the 19th century, but here we go visit their house, and muse that a guy who could live here and not get laid probably had some mental issues. Or as her toddler nephew observes, that the house looked like it escaped from a Scooby Doo episode.

      1. King Friday XIII*

        Honestly I love everything Sarah Vowell writes and I was scrolling down to recommend her so yes please.

    8. Rainy*

      If you are interested in epidemiology, The Ghost Map by Steven Berlin Johnson is my favourite non-fiction book. Everything by him is great.

      I also really recommend Mary Roach–fun stuff.

      1. I love it when you call me big panda*

        I read pretty evenly between fiction and non-fiction. I think anything by Mary Roach would be great for someone avoiding dry non-fiction. She is an engaging and entertaining writer.

      3. ace*

        Second both of these! I don’t think I’ve ever run across someone else who read The Ghost Map. If you’re into armchair epidemiology and podcasts, I recently started “This Podcast Will Kill You” – the hosts are two epidemiology students who spend an episode on various diseases – and it struck me as very much along the lines of The Ghost Book.

        I love everything Mary Roach writes, but Packing for Mars and Stiff are my two favorites.

    9. ann perkins*

      I have been reading a ton of addiction memoirs lately (mostly heroin) – they are fascinating and sad but all written by people who are now sober:

      Shedding the Reptile
      Dryland
      Dirty White Boy
      Running in Circles
      American Drug Addict

      My boyfriend gave me a Kindle Unlimited subscription, so I believe all of those were free. I also read Without a Doubt by Marcia Clark, which is super depressing to read how badly the LA PD botched the OJ case in addition to Judge Ito being a complete joke.

      1. Rainy*

        If you like heroin memoirs and music, you might consider The Book of Drugs, by Mike Doughty. Talks about his struggles with heroin and other drugs as well as his struggles with the music business. He was the frontman for Soul Coughing and then went solo some years ago.

    10. AnonEMoose*

      I’d say to pick a subject that interests you and go from there. Some nonfiction books I’ve really enjoyed:

      Amelia Earhart’s Daughters (can’t remember the author) – it’s about the women who served as pilots in WWII, transporting aircraft from the factories to where they were needed. Really good read.

      I’m a big Tudor-Stuart history nerd, so I tend to read a lot (fiction and nonfiction) about that period. Alison Weir’s books tend to be fairly accessible and engaging.

      Temples, Tombs, and Hieroglyphs, by Barbara Mertz is a good (and fun to read) overview of Ancient Egypt.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        Sex with Kings and Sex with the Queen, both by Eleanor Herman. Stories of royal affairs in several different periods in history.

    11. Fiennes*

      Have lately enjoyed the Isaacson bio of Leonardo da Vinci, and am currently reading Frankopan’s The Silk Roads, which is thought-provoking and scholarly without being dry.

      One of the best nonfiction books I’ve ever read is the biography of NC Wyeth. For some unfathomable reason, this book isn’t a classic and is now hard to find, but you could probably request it through your library. It’s a wonderful bio, a sterling work of art criticism, AND a Gothic tale with a couple of reveals that will leave you slack-jawed with shock. Really worth the effort to find.

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I have just started on the Leonardo biography. One of our museums is hosting a Leonardo exhibit this spring and summer and I will be a docent. I am so excited.

    12. Florida*

      Devil in the White City by Erik Larsen about serial killer. This was an excellent book.

      Devil in the Grove by Gilbert King about racism, Groveland boys. This was particularly disturbing to me because I like about 45 minutes from Groveland. Another excellent book.

      Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent. I think it was recommended here once, which is why I read it. It’s sort of like the gender version of Black Like Me (another book you should read, if you haven’t). A woman lives as a man for one year. This was pretty good. Not excellent. It’s top-of-mind because I just finished it.

      All three of these are narratives, but nonfiction

      4. Max from St. Mary's*

        Absolutely Larsen! Garden of Beasts is brilliant, and Dead Wake is also good…though Devil in the White City might still be my favorite.

      5. Steph Eats*

        +1 for Erik Larsen! Dead Wake was incredible.

        Also recommend Unbreakable by Laura Hildebrand – it’s so so good!

    13. Felicia*

      Depends what you’re interested in but I like non fiction that’s written in more of the style of a story. My favourites have been A Year of Living Biblically by A.J Jacobs, and Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

      Celebrity autobiographies can be a good transition from fiction. I really like Neil Patrick Harris’ choose your own autobiography

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      Shaping Humanity by John Gurche. He’s the artist who did the models in the Smithsonian’s Hall of Human Origins, and the book is a fascinating mix of art and science. My favorite detail was his trying to decide when the whites of the eyes appeared, which isn’t preserved in the fossil record. I had never realized what a difference that makes in reading faces.

    15. A Nonny Mouse*

      I am really enjoying Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari. I like his writing and he has some interesting views on the early history of humans and the forces that drive our history, and I am not a history buff.

      1. Thlayli*

        Second sapiens – the history of the human race from ape to modern times. Could not put it down. Also:
        – freakonomics
        – all of Jon ronsons books

        1. Thlayli*

          Oh also the science of discworld series weaves fiction and non-fiction together so might be a good start for a fiction reader wanting to get into non-fiction.

          1. Kali*

            Science of the Discworld is why I study genetics. I read it as a child. If I ever win a Nobel prize, I’ll be quoting Sir Terry; “You gave me wings when you showed me birds”.

    16. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I like memoirs: non fiction but often still a sort of plot to follow. Garlic and Sapphires is on the surface about a NYT restauarant review but also delves into identity and personality. The Boys on the Boat, about the US Olympic rowing team for the 1939 olympics, is awesome and well told. I like most of Bill Bryson’s books which are mostly about travel. A Walk in the Woods is his most popular but I also like I’m A Stranger Here Myself which is a collection of his columns he wrote about living in New Hampshire. The Thunderbolt Kid is about growing up in the 50s and has some really funny parts.

    17. Reba*

      One of my top ever books is “the Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down” by Anne Fadiman. Caution, it is heartbreaking.

      “Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” by Rebecca Skloot is similarly amazing.

    18. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I used to read very little non-fiction, thinking that I got far too much of that at work thank you very much. The book that changed my mind was The Emperor of all Maladies: A Biography of Cancer by Siddartha Mukherjee. It’s long, but well worth it – it’s a beautifully written history of our understanding of cancer, from archaeological evidence of ancient tumours to genome sequencing.

      I’d also recommend anything by Mary Roach. She’s written books about death, sex, food, ghosts, and more, and she is very very funny. I laughed so much at Stiff, which is about how human cadavers are used in research, that it didn’t feel decent.

      Jon Ronson is also good – he writes with a nice light touch.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Oh, and just to add – I find that with a few rare exceptions, I can’t read a non-fiction book the same way I read a novel. I can read fiction for hours on end, but I seem to hit a wall with non-fiction much faster than that. Don’t be put off if you find you need shorter sessions! There are even some books that I’ve read as slowly as a couple of pages per day – they were still very much worth reading, but they were pretty dense, required lots of thought, or were otherwise more difficult to read.

      2. Nye*

        Seconding all of these recs – Muckerjee and Roach in particular have the very rare skill of writing both engagingly and accurately about science. (Most pop sci is an either/or proposition.)

        I adored Muckerjee’s The Gene as well, it’s a history of the field of genetics. My father, who isn’t in the business, also really enjoyed it.

      3. Red Reader*

        Mukherjee is excellent. (Emperor of all Maladies was also done as a Ken Burns documentary that was fascinating, featuring him as a speaker.)

    19. 14 years*

      Rejected princesses by Jason Porath. 1-4 page histories of women through the ages. It reads like your friend is telling you a story and has great illustrations

    20. Torrance*

      I want to third the Sarah Vowell recommendation and also suggest anything by Mary Roach. Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers tends to be the starter Roach book and it’s great– my personal favourites also include Packing for Mars (space travel-centric) & Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife.

    21. anonagain*

      I second the recommendation for (literary) memoir as a genre to look at. If you like audiobooks at all, I recommend finding memoirs that are narrated by the author.
      I recently listened to and enjoyed:
      Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir both by Jenny Lawson
      The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher
      Not My Father’s Son by Alan Cumming

      I also enjoy essay collections. Whether they are all by one person or anthology style, that might be a good option for you. I used to love the Best American Science Writing. If one piece is really dull, you can skip to the next. You get variety and can dip in and out of the book.

      I love non-fiction now, but both of those styles were my gateway from being a fiction-only reader. They were easier to get into than the chunky informational books on a single subject.

      1. The Ludaeig*

        I’m adding another plug for Mary Roach — I enjoy her books and have read some of them several times.
        To me, the best kind of nonfiction reads like fiction. So, agreeing with readers who suggest Erik Larson (Devil in the White City is fantastic, as is Dead Wake). David McCullough can make history quite interesting, as well – his newest book on the Wright Brothers is great, but also his biography on John Adams.
        I also really liked The Poisoner’s Handbook (about the birth of forensic science). I’m a Chicago history and architecture buff, so I suggest They All Fall Down about Richard Nickel (and if you’re into Chicago history, The Sinking of the Eastland by Jay Bonansinga is excellent).
        Also — for quirky and quite good (at least, I thought): The Year of the Goat by Margaret Hathaway — or Wesley the Owl by Stacey O’Brien, which I found fascinating and endearing.

    22. Mimmy*

      Echoing everyone else that it depends on the subjects you’re interested in reading about. I’m partial to anything related to disability inclusion / accessibility and memoirs from people with disabilities. One of my favorites was “Gabby: A Story of Courage, Love and Resilience”, Mark Kelly’s memoir about Gabby Gifford’s recovery after she was shot in 2011.

      I also enjoy some entertainment-related nonfiction; right now, I’m reading “I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution”. It’s extremely long, but as a child of the MTV era, the backstories about the channel and the artists made famous via music videos is really fascinating.

    23. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I really liked David Grann’s The Lost City of Z (which I read years before it became a movie). And Marah Hardt’s Sex in the Sea was pretty interesting, too.

    24. Sparkly Librarian*

      I also prefer fiction, and I found Bill Bryson’s nonfiction works very entertaining. Try: At Home, A Short History of Nearly Everything, The Mother Tongue, or Made in America.

      1. Isobel*

        Yes, I was going to suggest Bill Bryson too. One Summer: America 1927 is also really good and covers a huge range of topics.

    25. Lady Jay*

      Nomandland by Jessica Bruder; covers the rise of “houseless” people living out of RVs and trailers and traveling for work. Surprisingly upbeat and positive tone but honest about the social conditions that led to this situation.

      The Disappearing Spoon by Sam Kean. Stories about the periodic table of the elements, and the elements themselves; accessible for non-science people and a lot of fun!

    26. Reader*

      If you might like memoirs, I highly recommend The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner’s Semester at America’s Holiest University by Kevin Roose and The Tender Bar by J. R Moehringer.

    27. Almost Violet Miller*

      Van Gogh’s Ear. The True Story by Bernadette Murphy. Her storytelling is incredibly engaging. The paralell ways in which she presents her research journey and also the painter’s life and especially the events that had led to Van Gogh cut off his ear (or part of it – read the book to find out!) are brilliant.

    28. Aluminosilicate*

      It seems like it should be fiction, but isn’t:
      “Ignition!: An informal history of liquid rocket propellants”

      1. Electron Wisperer*

        It helps to at least have sufficient chemistry to recognise that fluorine is an oxidiser of some note, but that it also may have ‘issues’ as a rocket propellant component (And that diflorine dioxide is not going to be a whole lot better!).

        But, yea if you follow “Things I Won’t Work With” this book is for you.

      1. many bells down*

        Ooh, also, “Eruption: The Untold Story of Mt. St. Helens”. There’s a lot of backstory about the logging industry and how that related to the mountain, but once it gets to the actual days leading up to the event it’s really good.

      2. Former Employee*

        Yes, but it’s one of the most depressing books ever. The one guide, Rob Hall, talking with his pregnant wife who was back in New Zealand about what to name their baby girl because he knows he is going to die on the mountain and never see his wife again/never see the baby completely did me in.

    30. LadyKelvin*

      I have always been an avid reader (seriously, I used to be punished by taking my books away as a kid) but never enjoyed non-fiction. It wasn’t until I tried reading books about topics I was interested in in the last 2 years that I really have enjoyed non-fiction. For me, it was books about food, and I get recommendations based upon which Gastropod casts I liked the most. So try thinking about a podcast/topic you really enjoy and find out what other people have enjoyed in that genre. Start there. I’m a big fan of Mike Duncan so I loved Storm Before the Storm which he wrote, and I enjoy food, so Cork Dork by Bianca Bosker (about wine) was a very entertaining read.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        The Language of Food by Jurafsky, about the intersection of linguistics and food. I picked it up after an NPR interview in which he explained that restaurant reviews of good expensive places are described with sex metaphors, good cheap places with drug metaphors, and bad places of all stripes with extensive use of the first person. That last one is something I can’t unsee–once the soup if burnt, it becomes this first person narrative of a night out that was supposed to be fun, and turned horribly wrong, and here is a cautionary tale so the gentle reader will not be ensnared.

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        Oh, food memoirs do it for me. A Year in Provence (built my French vocabulary!) to Ruth Reichl’s Comfort Me with Apples to Heat: An Amateur’s Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany.

    31. Parenthetically*

      I really loved A Crack in the Edge of the World and The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester. The first is about the 1906 San Francisco earthquake and the second is about the making of the Oxford English Dictionary.

      Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking had me in stitches, but it’ll get you in the tear ducts too.

    32. LilySparrow*

      I think Dava Sobel’s work is fascinating and a very immersive, narrative read.
      I loved Longitude and Galileo’s Daughter. The Glass Universe is on my TBR.

      For more contemporary/current events, I enjoyed “The Big Short” and “Arms and the Dudes.”

    33. HannahS*

      Personally, I found two routes into nonfiction, as a major fiction lover. One was biographies and memoirs–which are basically narrative fiction, except true!–and books that were…I don’t know what it’s called. But that thing where each chapter is a self-contained unit. Bill Bryson’s At Home and The Mother Tongue are good examples of that. Mostly because I could just read one chapter, learn, laugh at what was funny, and put it down. There wasn’t pressure from the book to sit down and remember much of what it was saying chapter-to-chapter. Also, each chapter makes good bathroom reading if you’re a quick reader–they feel more like extended interesting articles rather than a Heavy Tome of Much Serious Knowledge.

    34. Boo Berry*

      A Brief History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. It’s a pretty charming summary of the history of science and, thus, the history of both the world and humanity told by a non-scientist. It’s very sweet and a lot of fun.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        And very good as a book on tape from the library, if you have a long drive. It’s one of my standard fallback “I know we’ll all be happy to listen to this if the new book is boring” selections.

    35. Peanut*

      If you like food, I recommend two essay collections by Jeffrey Steingarten, The Man Who Ate Everything, and also It Must Have Been Something I Ate. He’s a food critic, and his writing in these is so funny.

    36. Rookie Manager*

      As a big fiction fan a couple of non fiction books I’ve enjoyed amd recommended;
      Animal by Sara Pascoe
      Bad Science by Ben Goldacre
      How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran.

    37. Aphrodite*

      Depends what interests you have, really. There is so much that is so great. I will read anything by Mary Roach (off-beat science writer with truly quirky interests and a fabulous sense of humor), Simon Winchester (all I can say is simply “amazing!”) and to a lesser extent, Bill Bryson. I loved Bill’s In a Sunburned Country and most of his other books.

      I also enjoy what I call adventure books, like The River of Doubt by Candace Millard (another fantastic writer), Into Thin Air (an oldie but a goodie) and any books that, in my opinion, are deliciously awful. In other words, books about places and adventures where misery is the star and the journey, possibly a horrible death is likely such as wreck diving, deep caving, mosquitoes are the size of 747s and there is enough humidity to drown humanity. I especially love to read these sitting on a comfortable sofa with the refrigerator nearby, the air conditioning and my American bathroom down the hall. Heaven!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I treasure In a Sunburned Country–with Assassination Vacation by Vowell, it’s one I reread every couple of years. We were in Australia at the same time and, yes, it was a heckuva rainy season that year.

      2. that broadway nerd*

        I’ve read In A Sunburned Country about 4 times now. It continues to be one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever encountered (and hilarious to boot!)

    38. Pathfinder Ryder*

      The Secret Loves of Geek Girls edited by Hope Nicholson is an anthology of fans and genre creators’ personal stories.

      How to be a Heroine by Samantha Ellis is a memoir realizing how her literary heroines have shaped her life.

    39. Mephyle*

      Fiction reader here. I differ slightly from the opinion mentioned above that it depends what you’re interested in. Partly true, but good writer can make you interested in a topic you had never thought about before. I wouldn’t have been attracted to at least half of the books below by their title or a description of what they were about, but fortunately I just happened to pick them up and started reading them, and I found them highly recommendable.
      Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond
      Anatomy of a Rose and An Obsession With Butterflies by Sharman Apt Russell
      Endurance by Alfred Lansing
      One Good Turn: A Natural History of the Screwdriver and the Screw by Witold Rybczynski
      Coming of Age in the Milky Way by Timothy Ferris
      Our Own Devices: The Past and Future of Body Technology by Edward Tenner
      I also remember reading and enjoying the adventure travel memoirs of Dervla Murphy many years ago when I otherwise read nothing but fiction.
      Also seconding in particular of the books recommended above; Longitude, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Into Thin Air.
      Also a pitch for one I haven’t read yet, but which sounds very good. I read the author’s blog, and I’m looking forward to reading this book: The Education of Will by Patricia B. McConnell.

      1. wishful thinker*

        I agree – I’ve found some non fiction books on subjects I am not really interested in are fascinating – for example, I am not really a big tennis fan, but Andre Agassi’s “Open” was really good.

        My current non fiction recommendation is “Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City”, by Matthew Desmond, it completely changed my mind on some not fully formed beliefs, and even months later parts of it come back to me with force.

      2. Mobuy*

        I also loved Guns Germs and Steel by Diamond. Great book that explains disparities in the world with geography. I just realised that made the book sound boring, but I’m a fiction lover and have read it multiple times.

        Life and Death in Shanghai is a beautiful memoir about a woman who survived the Cultural Revolution in China.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Another Guns Germs Steel enthusiast. I think part of what resonated with me was having been in the Peace Corps and so immersed in a culture with different norms. I thought his deep respect for the subsistence farmers and hunter-gatherers really came through–that there is an incredible amount of learning and stored knowledge in those ways of life. You have to be deeply intelligent to show up in a new landscape and figure out what you can eat or otherwise use. Interacting safely with other groups of humans has a ton of subtle yet widely varying rituals, which you have to learn by practice and observation. Several times I’ve seen an author point out “A was obvious to me but not to the people I was with” and it gets read by people who have only ever lived in the author’s home group as “He’s disparaging the people he’s with as being stupid” which is emphatically not the case.

          This is also a message in Sapiens–that there are a lot of different ways to set up social rules, and you learn the local set by intense observation from infancy.

      3. Woodswoman*

        So glad to see Endurance on your list. This is such a well-written account of Ernest Shackleton’s extraordinary expedition and survival story in Antarctica from 1914-1916, a page-turner that would be unbelievable if someone invented it for a movie, and yet it all happened and no one perished. The accompanying historic photos of the journey add to the compelling narrative. This is a terrific book.

        1. Mephyle*

          I saw Endurance on TV once (I’m not sure which one; there’s a 2000 movie and a 2001 miniseries), and it was ok but it left out some of the most dramatic parts! It was a long time ago, but I remember my disappointment in the movie in that the giant wave and the final slide down the icy mountain into the unknown on South Georgia Island were either omitted or vastly understated.
          The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Garrard is also one of the most gripping polar exploration narratives.

    40. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’m seconding the recommendation of Endurance.
      I would also add:
      Ice Bound by Dr. Jerri Nielsen
      Freakonomics by Dubner and Levitt
      Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins
      Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong by James Loewen
      Gang Leader for a Day by Sudhir Venkatesh
      Mindset by Carol Dweck
      Return to the Scene of the Crime by Richard Lindberg
      Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett
      This one is not, strictly speaking, nonfiction, except that when you read it you find out that it probably is. City of Thieves by David Benioff.

    41. JustAnotherJen*

      Mountains beyond Mountains, a biography of Paul Farmer and Partners in Health
      Malcolm Gladwell’s books are pretty entertaining (although, as a mathematician, I sometimes have to resist the urge to throw these against the wall, because they’re almost right, but not quite.) What the Dog Saw is cute, and an easy read.
      I liked the periodic table book by Oliver Sachs, (I think it’s Uncle Tungsten)
      H is for Hawk, by Helen MacDonald is complicated to explain: it’s both biographical essays about TH White and autobiographic essays about her training a Goshawk

      1. OtterB*

        Another vote for Mountains Beyond Mountains. Or really anything by Tracy Kidder, but I especially loved that one.

    42. Candy*

      Some good non-fiction I’ve read recently:

      Deluxe: How Luxury Lost Its Luster by Dana Thomas – very interesting look at luxury fashion, it’s history and how it lost its exclusivity

      Just Kids by Patti Smith – excellent memoir

      The Dead Ladies Project: Exiles, Expats, and Ex-Countries by Jessa Crispin – woman travelling alone memoir

      Qur’an and Woman: Rereading the Sacred Text from a Woman’s Perspective by Amina Wadud – re-reading the Qur’an from a feminist perspective

      Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari – quick weekend read (note: I read this before the babe.net article about him came out so YMMV on whether you’re into reading him discuss relationships)

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Qur’an and Woman sounds really interesting. Had you read the Qur’an beforehand/do you think it would be helpful to have read it beforehand?

    43. Book Lover*

      I enjoy books by Paul Theroux, he wrote a number of different travel books that are really engaging. And capture a different time as many of them are over a decade or two old now.

      Different tone but just as engaging are travel books by Bill Bryson.

      1. Book Lover*

        Looking at my bookcase, I would also suggest ‘When the air hits your brain’ by Frank Vertosick, anything by Atul Gawande, The Disappearing Spoon by Sam Kean, Disease by Mary Dobson…. I should likely stop there :)

    45. Effie, who is pondering*

      I really enjoyed Rejected Princesses, and the second volume Tough Mothers is available for pre-order! You can also go on the author’s website to read entries before committing to buying the book. It’s a collection of mini-biographies about strong women who should’ve made history and for whatever reasons they’ve been edited out and/or watered down of regular history books.

      1. Relly*

        I came here to mention Ann Rule, especially The Stranger Beside Me, her book about Ted Bundy.

        For anyone who doesn’t know, Ann Rule became friends with Bundy while working as a crime writer in the Pacific Northwest; they volunteered on a suicide hotline together. Rule’s dawning realization that nice, charming Ted is actually a vicious serial killer makes the story all the more of a gut punch.

    48. Temperance*

      I almost exclusively read non-fiction. What kinds of fiction do you like? “When Breath Becomes Air” is really excellent and wonderful and I recommend it to anyone.

    50. Koala dreams*

      A Thousand Miles to Freedom: My Escape from North Korea by Eunsun Kim
      A very sad page-turner, with a kind of happy ending, I cried a lot during reading

      Seven Brief Lessons on Physics by Carlo Rovelli
      This book is dry at times, but the format is great: seven short chapters, mostly free-standing, about interesting topics in physics
      I can’t say I understood all of it, but it sure felt good to read it

      A Street Cat Named Bob by David Bowen
      A feel good book about how a cat made Bowen change his life in positive direction

      China: Empire of Living Symbols by Cecilia Lindqvist
      The author weaves together the history of China, Chinese writing and her own experiences visiting China from the 1960s onwards
      My absolute favourite book! This is a book perfect for browsing or reading slowly

      I have a lot of un-read history books on my shelfs, so I will check out the other recommendations. Thanks for asking this question!

    51. Kali*

      I love reading about economics and human behaviour; basically, lots of trivia about why the world is like it is. Freakonomics, and anything by Dan Ariely or Tim Harman.

      1. Kali*

        Oh, and books about how people use money, especially extreme examples. How I Lived a Year on Just a Pound a Day by Kath Kelly, In the Red by Alexis Hall, and Save Karyn by Karyn Bosnak. I also really like Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills by Miranda Austin, a memoir from a woman who worked on phone sex lines. Again, I think the appeal is learning about human nature.

      3. AVP*

        ohhh can I recommend something here? Diary of a Very Bad Year: Confessions of an Anonymous Hedge Fund Manager is basically a book-length series of interviews with an anonymous finance guy explaining what went wrong in the 2000’s and I thought it was SO fascinating and did a really good job of explaining some of these arcane concepts that we all had to learn about quite quickly.

    52. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      I recently read and loved The Dragon Behind The Glass, which is a book about the illicit animal trade, focusing on the Asian Arowana. I have no particular interest in biology generally, or fish specifically, but this book was fascinating. I learned a lot, and have tons of Fun Fish Facts for parties now, but the author is also just a really engaging writer who gets in (too?) deep for her story (for instance, she literally changes her legal name so she can sneak into Myanmar during a time when they weren’t letting journalists in, in hopes of finding a new Arowana species). Really, really fun read.

    53. AVP*

      I don’t think anyone’s suggested this yet but – Dave Eggers has written a few books that are technically listed as novels but are very much based on peoples’ real life stories as rewritten by him based on interviews. They might be a good bridge as you get used to a more nonfiction voice, as interpreted by a novelist. “What is the What” and “Zeitoun” are the two that come to mind but “AHWSG” is also technically a memoir.

      For full-on nonfiction:

      – David Grann! His two full-length books are both fascinating (on very different types of topics) and I don’t find his writing dry at all.

      – I also loved The Emperor, by Ryszard Kapuscinski, and thought it was kind of a fun read, the topic notwithstanding.

      – Ian Frazier’s travel books are great as well, and read like novels.

    54. Harper*

      I highly recommend all of Mary Roach’s science books – each takes a somewhat irreverent layperson’s look at a particular topic. “Stiff” was her first one, all about what happens to human bodies after death (including natural decomposition, embalming, cremation, organ donation, etc.) but some folks find that a little grim. “Gulp” (the digestive process) and “Bonk” (sex) are both pretty entertaining!

      If you prefer history, check out Erik Larson’s books – he writes history stories in a way that feels like a thriller. My favorites are “The Devil in the White City” (the dual stories of the Chicago World’s Fair and killer H. H. Holmes) and “Dead Wake” (the story of the sinking of the Lusitania.)

    55. The Original Flavored K*

      “The Poisoner’s Handbook: Murder and the Birth of Forensic Medicine in Jazz Age New York,” by Deborah Blum. It’s an interesting look at prohibition, the process of creating an actual forensic pathology department that did forensics (rather than just kicking the cadaver, or, worse, leaving death certificates unsigned), and case studies of poisonings from the onset of Prohibition up to I think the mid 1930’s. She does a great job of explaining the chemistry (and why the body reacts the way it does) for each poison, without ever getting too dry.

  2. Foreign Octopus*

    The latest in my ongoing cat saga with Bones.

    On Sunday, I was minding my own business when I heard a gentle pop sound – like the kind you get when you put your finger in you mouth and pop your cheek. Next thing I know, my cat is yowling in pain and hiding behind the toilet in the bathroom. It took twenty minutes for me to get a clear look at her face and her eye – well, her eye wasn’t great.

    The vet said that she suffered from an unexpected perforated corneal ulcer with iris prolapse. In layman’s terms, her eye exploded and everything was hanging out.

    Because it’s Spain (and not Madrid or Barcelona but really rural Spain) nothing was open on the Sunday so I had to wait until Monday morning before I could rush her to the vet where I very quickly realised just how serious everything was. She was referred to a specialist and taken to surgery that afternoon to have her eye repaired. She was home with me by that evening.

    However, it’s still 50/50 that she might lose her eye. Because of all of the health problems that she’s had since Christmas, her immune system is very, very low at the moment and that will significantly slow down her healing time. And for eyes, it takes longer to heal anyway.

    At the moment, I have to give her eye drops every two hours (which she hates) and take her to the vet once a day for anti-inflammatory injections (which she doesn’t really like but she’s getting used to because all the vets love her there). She also has an ear infection which is just great.

    I can’t remember ever feeling so stressed about anything before. I’m living in a constant state of worry and anxiety over her; terrified that all of these health issues are just going to keep mounting up; anxious over the fact I might miss something when the vet is explaining things to me in Spanish; sleepless nights over the financial cost; concern over her being in pain. It’s all a little much at the moment.

    However, I have started a GoFundMe account to raise money to pay for her surgery (€700 – I swear, I think I blacked out at the specialist’s when they said the price, and I still feel a little light headed).

    I’m not asking any of you to donate but because I don’t have any form of social media, if anyone has Facebook, Twitter, or the other ones, would you please be kind enough to share the link? Even if just five people do, that’s more than I could reach with my lack of social media. I’d really appreciate the help.

    https://www.gofundme.com/saveBoneseye

    I hope you all have had a better week than me, at any rate!

    (There are also pictures of Bones on the page if anyone wants a look – only one gross picture from after her surgery. The rest are of her looking relatively normal.)

    5. fposte*

      Oh, FO, that is stressful.

      I did want to mention that even if your kitty loses her eye, she’ll almost certainly be okay. There are happy, healthy one-eyed cats all over the world. It’s stressful right now that things are hanging in the balance and I absolutely think you’re right to do what you’re doing, but even if things don’t go the way you hope, they can still be okay.

      2. Red Reader*

        Yes! My husband’s cat had her eye removed after repeated chronic eye ulcers, specifically with a goal of preventing the eye from actually blowing out, and – barring the occasional (entertaining) miss when trying to make longer jumps, and a general tendency to not make much in the way of vertical jumps – it hasn’t slowed her down a bit, and she is in fact the most fearless of our four cats. (Though I’m pretty sure she stored all her brain cells in that eyeball and no longer has a single one left – she’s sweet as pie, but dumb as baked dirt.)

      3. cat socks*

        I’m so sorry about your kitty. What a stressful situation. I follow a lot of cat accounts on IG and Facebook and I’ve seen many kitties with one eye or blind in both eyes get around amazingly well. Seeing them in action, it’s hard to believe they are impaired in any way. Also, sometimes they do better with eye removal so they are no longer in pain. Sending lots of good vibes your way.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I’m not too concerned if she loses the eye. Obviously I don’t want her to but she’s an indoor cat and sleeps most of the time anyway but the best option is definitely to save the eye. Thanks for the good vibes.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        We could learn a lot from our animals they adjust so well. My uncle had a blind kitty who had NO problem finding my bag of Frito’s on the kitchen table. I was two rooms over and I thought “What is that crunching sound? Oh no. Fritos.”

        Not to minimize your concerns because we can worry over our animals as much as an actual person, but to say that she may be okay in the long run and it is just real nerve wracking right now.

      5. periwinkle*

        I’ll echo this. I had a 11-year old cat who developed cancer in one eye; no way he could keep it and survive. He adapted beautifully, and in fact became a lot more active (although that was likely due to feeling suddenly better).

      6. Foreign Octopus*

        Thanks fposte. The priority is definitely to try and save the eye but, right now, I’ve accepted that if she does lose it, we’ll be okay. I think it’ll give her an interesting conversational piece. Maybe I’ll get her an eye-patch. The possibilities are endless.

        1. Autumn anon*

          I’m really hoping that your cat keeps her eye and completely recovers, but if she does lose it and you go the eyepatch route, perhaps you could also get her a parrot cat toy? ‘Bones’ is already a great pirate-cat name.

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I’ve shared on my Facebook. I mean, I only have less than 15 friends, but most are cat lovers! Good luck.

    8. Teapots for Llamas*

      Oh, my god! I’m so sorry! My cat is the best think in my life, so I am utterly sympathetic and horrified. If I had money to send, I would. As it is, I will send “Jedi hugs” (a la Captain Awkward) to you and Bonesy!

    10. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Poor Kitty! I hope she recovers OK very soon. Good luck raising the money. I know vet bills can add up very quickly!

    11. Former Employee*

      I looked at the pictures of Bones, but skipped the part about checking out what her condition looks like. I’m sorry she has to deal with this and you have to see it/go through it with her.

      If it’s any consolation, I suspect that this surgery would cost at least twice as much in the USA. It isn’t just people health care that’s more expensive here!

      Please give us updates here at AAM.

      I don’t do Facebook, so I can’t share with anyone.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        If I could skip looking at what her condition looks like, I would too! She is very cute otherwise. I just wish I had a better camera to take pictures of her with.

        I know I’m very lucky to live in Europe where things are more affordable than the US (seriously – how do you lot manage?).

        I’ll keep everyone updated on the weekly thread. Thanks.

    12. Pretend Scientist*

      Donated–not much, but hopefully it helps! Specialty vet visits are so pricey. I’ve had a cat with eye issues (due to FIV) and I work for an ophthalmology practice, so I know what you’re dealing with and will be keeping Bones in my thoughts.

    13. The Other Dawn*

      I am so sorry to hear of all the kitty troubles. It’s so hard, thinking they’re in pain and not really knowing. Cats are very good at hiding their pain. And if she loses her eye she will be just fine. It’s amazing how cats get along with one eye, missing limbs etc. I’ll share the page for you.

    14. Just Another Intern*

      I’m very, very late to this, but I’d like to say I’m sorry you both are dealing with this. I hope Bones feels better soon and you can reach your GoFundMe goal!

      I saw on your GoFundMe you’re having a hard time with this, which is completely understandable. In my experience, when it comes to taking care of a sick pet you take it one day at a time — it’s hard, so take good care of yourself, too.

      Please keep us updated!

  3. Falling Diphthong*

    So last night I found my kitten sitting on top of my purse, batting at the keys to the car.

    I declined to drive her anywhere, so no idea what the long-term plan was.

    1. anon24*

      My cat is notorious for hiding my car keys when I have to go to work. If I go to leave and he’s nonchalantly lounging on the floor instead of freaking out about me leaving I know that he’s laying on my car keys and I get to wrestle him to get them back.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I read an article recently about how dogs will fake being sick (or sad) to get their people to stay home. Do cats do the same? Or maybe she just wanted to go for a car ride?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Nah. Cats fake being well or just not caring so their owners will leave. LOL I’m pretty sure most of my cats are happy when we leave, so they can lay around undisturbed all day long.

    3. Nancie*

      I fell asleep on the couch last night, after putting my eyeglasses on the ottoman. It took me an hour this morning to find where my cats hid them. (Aided by my computer glasses.)

      My glasses were on the other side of the room, behind the cats’ toybox.

      1. Casuan*

        Your cats moved your eyeglasses?
        That’s impressive!
        signed, She Whose Cat Is Sitting & Staring at Her & She Doesn’t Know What The Cat Wants

        1. periwinkle*

          If they can carry around prey in the wild, mere eyeglasses are no challenge.

          One of my boys went through a cat burglar phase. It turns out that bags of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers are the perfect size and shape for feline transportation. My small beanbag wrist rest went missing a lot. He eventually stopped. But now another of our cats has taken over. Little weirdos.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      OOOO— Shiney!! ha.

      I had left a newspaper on the table and the headlines were in an unusually large font.
      I came back into the room to find my Persian trying to push the large letters off the paper. She did the same thing to the pattern on the kitchen floor.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      When my cat is hungry he pushes either my hairbrush or my make up bag off my shelf. Dude wants to groom, clearly. (Or he thinks I should.)

    6. OP#5 (how do you work at home with cats)*

      My son’s cat has hidden my son’s glasses multiple times. The cat has also taken my hair scrunchies and hidden them some unknown place. It takes about a month for all of the hair scrunchies to disappear after I purchase a pack. I have a feeling we will eventually find everything he’s (the cat) has taken off with like once we pack up to move next.

    7. Thursday Next*

      I highly recommend watching Cats Don’t Like Things on YouTube. It seems to document a feline Society for Knocking Things off Other Things.

  4. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    I was thinking of going to Paris next month for school break (about a week long), but I’ve decided I want to push that trip back a bit. I still want to go somewhere, but I’m having trouble deciding where. Not Ireland–I’m planning to do that later, too. Same with Wales. I’ve already been to Scotland (and judging from the research I did, a lot of the interesting stuff would still be closed when I went if I decided to go back). So where could I go that would be relatively close/cheap and where a week would be a good amount of time to spend in one (maaaaaaaaaaaaybe two if they’re close but preferably one) city?

    Travel likes: museums, ruins/old buildings, creepy things, food
    Travel dislikes: being outdoors for outdoors sake (like I’ll spend time outdoors in the name of looking at old buildings but not because I want to look at pretty trees), beer/drinking (not a teetotaller, but “X city has great beer!” is not something that would make me more likely to visit X city)

    1. DrC*

      York – small enough to walk around, but a lot to see. The Jorvik Centre is well worth a visit, and there are museums.

      1. Buu*

        York seconded, there’s lots of museums and there are a few creepy walks/boat rides. I went on one of the boat rides, and it wasn’t that scary but sitting on a boat listening to ghost stories was nice.
        I also recommend Brighton the Pavilion is pretty good, and there’s a lot of good little cafes.

        1. JaneB*

          York thirded – compact walkable city, lots of Roman & medieval structures, lots of museums including some great “interactive”stuff, ghost walks, the minster AND a Betty’s tea room. (You should go to that tea room, seriously). And it’s in God’s Own County.

          1. Typhon Worker Bee*

            But go to Little Betty’s, not the main one. It’s smaller, less busy, and in a gorgeous building with wooden beams and wonky floors. York also has some gorgeous old pubs – Kings Arms, Three Legged Mare, Royal Oak, and more. (I grew up in York!)

            1. Elizabeth West*

              My Facebook friends live in Raskelf. I really really really really want to visit. I’ve not been up to the north (rode through it on the train to Scotland, but I was sleeping, LOL).

      2. Rookie Manager*

        I love York and nth the recommendation. However their best ice cream shop is shut till Easter. If you can bar to miss it then you’ll still have a great time in this beautiful city.

      3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Wow, I had no idea York was going to be so popular, lol. Definitely gonna take a closer look at it.

    2. Apollo Warbucks*

      Madrid and Barcelona are great cities and no love Amsterdam.

      All well worth look at, Madrid has so great art and the van gough Museum in Amsterdam is amazing.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Barcelona is absolutely gorgeous. If you like buildings, go here. Also lots of great food.

      2. Dr. KMnO4*

        I heavily second the recommendation for Madrid. Art, architecture, food, culture, history…the list of amazing things about it goes on and on.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m not sure what your starting point is.

      Assuming western Europe, I’ll suggest Zurich as a great city to walk/boat around and explore old buildings. Expensive though, so you probably want to combine it with somewhere in Germany or Italy. We really liked Freiburg, which has a gorgeous cathedral, walkable old town, and convenient small mountain at the edge of the Black Forest which you can walk to. Also they have a lot of crepes.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Oops, thought I’d mentioned I’m in London, but I guess I just imagined I did.

      2. Grandma Mazur*

        Seconding Freiburg. Everything’s walkable, food is amazing (there’s a thermal bath on the outskirts) and there are many things you can do as daytrips via public transport (eg, Schauinsland mountain with cable car, mountain railway, Alsace, Breisach old town ). You can fly to Basel-Mulhouse-Freiburg airport and visit all three!

    4. Lily Evans*

      I really enjoyed Amsterdam, despite having no interest in the party scene that a lot of people seem to go there for. The Rijksmuseum and Van Gogh museum were both interesting, and there were a bunch more museums I didn’t even get a chance to see. The accommodation was pretty affordable since it was low season, and there was enough indoors to do that it didn’t bother me that the weather was on the gross side. When the weather was nicer I had a great time roaming around taking in the city, it really is gorgeous.

      I was also pleasantly surprised how good the food was! I didn’t go into it thinking it was a major food destination, but I didn’t have a single bad meal there. One of the best meals I’ve ever eaten was gnocchi at In de Waag (which tragically is no longer on the menu since it’s seasonal, but I’m sure the rest of their food is equally good).

      1. Isobel*

        I was in Amsterdam for the first time last weekend and I absolutely loved it. It just felt like such a civilised, liveable place.

      2. HannahS*

        Seconding Amsterdam. It’s lovely and so walkable. When I was there I took a day trip to a nearby windmill village and enjoyed it; everything is so close by!

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      You could go two for one (practically) with Vienna and Budapest. Do the history thing in one and the spas in the other. Its 2.5 hours between the two on the train, or you could go Vienna to Bratislava for less time and still see two different cities/countries.

      1. Casuan*

        Vienna & Budapest are two of my favourite cities. If you ever do both, for a change take the hydrofoil instead of the train.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Slightly in the future, but apparently direct Eurostar train services to Amsterdam will be starting in April.

          Brussels might not be the most attractive city, but it is an excellent base for visiting Bruges, Antwerp, Ghent, and the seaside.

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Planning to do those later. :) I have a weird gap between when my classes end and when the program officially ends, so I’m going to be doing those (plus other parts of Central/Eastern Europe) then.

      3. AcademiaNut*

        Any recommendations for Budapest/Hungary/Vienna? We just booked tickets for May! We’ll fly into Vienna take the (probably) bus to Budapest, a few days there, then head further into Hungary before working our way back to Vienna for a day or two.

        We’re less into museums at this point, having been to so many already, and are more into nature, birdwatching, markets, nice walks, hot springs, good but not fancy food and drink, photography, cooking… We won’t have a car, but are happy to navigate public transit in random languages.

        1. Cambridge Comma*

          Go from Budapest to Vienna via the Neusiedlersee (it’s in both countries). Visit Rust, Podersdorf or both. Nature, birds (google Rust & storks), walks, lots of local wine.

        2. AVP*

          If you like sort of creepy historical places…there’s a great park outside Budapest (accessible by a regular city bus) where they put all of the old Soviet statues and signs. The idea was to get them out of the everyday eyelines, but not feel like they were destroying the history or art. It was really fascinating! And it’s in a nice green area to walk around.

          If you like hot springs then you definitely have to check out the historical Turkish baths there as well!

          And a lot of the food and drink are great but very cheap and unpretentious. It’s been a few years since I was there though so I won’t try to recommend anywhere specific.

    7. Canuckian*

      If you go up to York, you could also pop out to some of the places out in the Peak District, like Chatsworth House (apparently what Pemberley is based on), Bakewell (or other villages) and there are some gorgeous ruins (like Fountains Abbey). For the creepy factor, you can also visit Whitby, although it’s kind of a cheesy creepy-ness from all accounts.

      If you’re more interested in Roman Britain (and willing to go north), Hadrian’s Wall is a good visit. Along the Wall, there’s also Carlisle, which has some of it’s old ramparts and was a major trading centre back in the day. Closer to Newcastle, there’s also Alnwick Castle (which has a poison garden and incidentally the town has the largest used bookstore in Europe), Lindisfarne, and Bamborough Castle, though some of those may not be doable on public transport.

      Cornwall is also worth a thought. I camped when I went there, but there were plenty of hostels. Very beachy, but there’s also a lot of historical things. I got the bus from Sheffield to Newquay for £30 round trip too, so that may keep costs down.

      If you’re looking to leave the UK, Budapest is highly recommended (and not too expensive!)

    8. Fiddlesticks*

      If you’re thinking of staying in the UK, I loved Canterbury — perfect for a short weekend or long weekend break! Other amazing options are Budapest or Prague, and I’m seconding the suggestion further up thread for Barcelona or Madrid. I love both, but confess I’m personally more in love with Barcelona!

    9. Sarah G*

      PRAGUE! Prague, Prague, Prague. If you’ve never been, what a breathtakingly amazing city. Plus take a day trip to Kutna Hora (ossuary, etc.).

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I hear you. In a similar vein, I hope it warms up. I can’t endure driving to work in -30 any more.

      1. nep*

        I am grateful that the temps are not bad — high 20s / low 30s is more than tolerable. Glad we’re not due for a deep freeze after all this snow. Holding out for Monday, when the snow is supposed to finally let up.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          -30 Celsius is insanely cold. With the wind it’s been -39 a couple of days. I would take some snow (10cm or so) every day if it wasn’t so darn cold.

      1. Casuan*

        I would. Today is gorgeous althought it’s starting to get too warm & I might need to put on the a/c for a few hours.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      [Raises hand.] Can I exchange this freezing rain for snow, please?

      I wondered if it would turn to freezing rain and I hurried about on Thursday with the roof raking in the hopes of lessening the weight on the roofs.

      I do agree though if I could just sent it all back and cancel any further orders I would in a heartbeat.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yeah, we’re getting it tonight. I have residual trauma from the 2007 ice storm–the mere mention of it makes me nervous. Lucky I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow, and I made it home today just as it was starting to get slick.

          I put the wrong kind of wiper fluid in, and it keeps freezing. I’ll be glad when it warms up enough so I can use it up and then get some of the winter-rated stuff. My neighbor has decided that feeding stray cats isn’t enough and is now also feeding birds. :P

        2. nep*

          Turns out we had some sleet for a while this morning — everything’s coated in ice now. Hope that’s the end of it and things will ease a bit before Monday’s commute. Supposed to be sunny tomorrow with no precipitation, thank goodness.

    5. paul*

      Send it here. 120 days without measurable precipitation and literally all the surface water’s basically gone :/ Fire season is going to suck. At least I’ll be moved before it’s in full swing.

    6. Forking Great Username*

      Seriously. We’re supposed to get hit hard again tomorrow night where I am – last I checked, anyways. It’s driving me nuts and seriously messing with my timeline of when I’m teaching what. Over it. Also VERY over shoveling.

      1. nep*

        We’re supposed to get more tomorrow too. It’s snowing as we speak. It could be far worse and every day I count my blessings — still, I’m SO over it.

    7. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Oh god, yes. I’ve got something like 2 ft on the ground (it’s so hard to tell with compression and drifting), and it’s supposed to snow another 5 inches. I’m just done. I had a baby shower to go to today, and I made it, but it took me 45 minutes to get from the garage to the road – I kept getting stuck in the alley. I’m not going ANYWHERE tomorrow. I don’t even want to go outside.

    8. Nye*

      I was just visiting northern Maine and “1-3 inches overnight” was more like 6+ inches continuing through the morning. Luckily I managed to get home more or less on schedule despite it! (I drive a small 2 wheel drive car without snow tires, so it was a little hairy getting out.)

  6. Lillie Lane*

    Entertaining website suggestion:
    /aiweirdness dot com.
    I don’t know if it’s been discussed here before, but if you are interested in nerdy wordplay, you may like it!
    The author uses neural networks to generate names for all kinds of things…candy conversation hearts, rescue kittens and guinea pigs, paint colors, novel titles, craft beers, you name it. My favorite was the common names for birds.

          1. Lillie Lane*

            Ha ha. The non-PG ones (sent via email if you request them from her) are BAD. But hilarious.

            Though I really want to see the master data to see how these came about — HOLE? Perhaps I need to buy a bag of hearts to see what they’re printing on them these days….

      1. Lillie Lane*

        Ooo, those are good! I really liked “The Consultant Count” — I’ve never read a romance novel but would DEFINITELY buy that one!

  7. Ruth (UK)*

    I have been playing the violin since I was a kid (like 7 years old, and I’m 27 now). You may think this means I am, or should be very good by now, but I haven’t placed consistently for all that time – I initially quit when I was about 14 (I’d taken lessons up till then). I then re-started casually when I was about 22, playing in folk sessions etc.

    It’s difficult for me to assess my own level but basically, I think I’m ok/average in a folk setting but not great. I’m typically in tune (at least for the most part. I might occasionally hit an off note, but I’m not generally out of tune), and my timing is good. I don’t think my sound quality is great, but not notably awful. One thing I’ve very self-conscious of is when I accidentally brush a string other than the one I’m playing on. Also, my posture, which, compared to people trained classically, is definitely not good. I had been playing a couple times a week (usually in a folk session or similar).

    I live in a flat block and rarely practice. (before anyone suggests I hire a place where I can practice without being overheard, I simply do not have the time/funds/available location to allow this with any degree of regularity).

    However, I have recently become a lot more self conscious and have actually not played at all since about December now. First, one person I knew made an off-hand comment about my playing not being great (I shouldn’t take this one to heart really as this guy also plays an instrument and is not really very good at all – his timing is awful and he gets faster and faster and races a lot of sections. He’s also frequently critical of other people’s music/singing/dancing/whatever).

    The other one that put me off most came from a person I like and get on well with. He does not sing (except in group choruses) or play any instrument but is in the folk music community. While very drunk, he commented about my playing and specifically brought up how sometimes I brush a string I’m not playing on (eg. my bow will sometimes be over the D and the A if I’m playing a note [supposedly] on just the D). He said (drunkenly, jokingly), that if I don’t play the violin, he won’t sing (in the context of him saying/implying his singing is bad and not something a person wants to be subjected to). eg. it was presented like a ‘trade’. His partner then told him off for saying it, and he retracted it, but then re-stated it shortly later.

    This one really affected me, because it sort of made me realise/think my playing is actually so bad that even a non-musician is able to specifically pinpoint a bad part of my playing.

    I’m not really sure how to get past this, and even if I should or not – maybe I really should just not play anymore, and not force anyone else to be subjected to my playing.

    (I do know there are at least a few people who have said positive or complimentary things about my playing, however. So I also wonder if maybe this guy just simply doesn’t like the violin [as an instrument]. I’ve then also got neutral-to-positive comments like, people saying at least I’m in time and in tune (when comparing me to other players at certain folk sessions who often aren’t).

    I kind of now feel like I want to cringe/wince when I hear myself play. I do also have a heavy-practice mute which goes over the whole bridge and makes it all a lot quieter, which, on one hand, makes me feel a bit better, but on the other, makes the sound quality worse and that’s something I’m already conscious of…

    1. Language Student*

      Could you play one-on-one with other fiddle players and get some tips from them? Or save up for even one or two lessons specifically focusing on technique? (The latter is the only thing that got me through my exams, and I have family who play that found just one lesson helpful for technique).

      Either way, if you like playing, you should play! Trying to improve sound quality is great, but it shouldn’t put you off doing something you enjoy.

    2. DrC*

      You need to do things that bring you joy, so I say keep playing. I admire anyone that can play an instrument!

      It’s all too easy to get anxious about something, and then it feels like a much bigger thing. We are all at the centre of our own story and so for you this becomes a big negative. For others these are throwaway remarks that they will have forgotten the next day.

    3. matcha123*

      I played the viola when I was in school, but haven’t played since I graduated high school. I don’t have a viola, but would love to play, and I have the same fears as you. Honestly, with anything, the more you practice, the better you get. If you are practicing by yourself, keep it up. If you have a teacher, get some tips from them.
      If you’re practicing late at night, I’d use the mute, but if it’s a reasonable time, just go forward without it.
      One thing that helped me was to visualize myself playing, think about the sound, how my fingers would move, etc. before I started practicing.

    4. Rat in the Sugar*

      Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself! Every musician gets self conscious and we all hate to hear ourselves play — all we ever hear is the flaws, and having them confirmed by another person can be shattering. But having flaws in your playing just means you aren’t perfect, which none of us are of course. The only way I know to push past that self consciousness is to practice a whole lot more. More practice brings surety and smoothness to your movements, and when your skill with the songs you know grows over time so will your confidence. It definitely takes a long time though, like weeks and months, so stick with it even though you feel crappy right now. You have good timing and you play in tune so you’ve got the foundation you need; the rest is just practice.

      Also, about the way you’re hitting two strings at once — you mention that you haven’t got great posture, and that’s actually part of the cause of hitting the wrong string while you play! If you don’t have good posture (and it doesn’t have to be classical style, but that is a good one) then as you play your arm won’t be moving in the proper smooth, straight motion but instead well be tilting and changing angle which will cause you to hit the next string. If you look up some posture guides, especially guides about the right arm and elbow, I think that will do a lot for solving your problem.

    5. neverjaunty*

      These guys both sound like massive tools. It’s one thing to give someone honest feedback about a problem they can address (if you do actually brush a string?) and another to make snotty remarks about how well they think you play.

      There is a particular strain of person who boosts his own ego by lecturing other people at how they can do things they enjoy better. (Some of these people even otherwise seem nice.) I too used to be bothered by this, until I got a little older and realized “this pompous opinion hits my insecurities” does not actually mean the opinion is correct. At all.

      Keep playing and practicing, and maybe don’t waste your time on these two jerks. More playing and lessons and practice is how you get better.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, do not listen to these foot-in-mouth dudes. Well said neverjaunty!

        I hope you get some enjoyment out of practicing, improving, and just playing! I still dig out pieces I played in my senior recital (the high point of my piano training, half a lifetime ago) from time to time. I don’t play them well but I am always amazed at what muscle memory can do. And it’s fun! I recently bought new music too and my progress is slow due to irregular practice but it’s so, so fun to get to the point of actually hearing the melodies and the real meat of the music *I* am making.

        Don’t give that up.

    6. Thursday Next*

      I’m with DrC on this–do what brings you joy!

      We live in an apartment building, so we can hear when everyone practices (and everyone can hear when various members of our family play or sing). Everyone’s abilities vary, and that’s cool! We’ve loved hearing our now-12-year-old neighbor grow in her violin musicianship. And we’ve heard kind words from neighbors about our 10-year-old.

      Unless you’re playing at 2 a.m. (Our building has defined quiet hours, so this would be verboten), you are fine. I’m absolutely shocked that anyone would offer negative comments–they are the ones transgressing social norms of courtesy. And who cares about the opinions of rude (especially drunk rude) people? You sure shouldn’t! Play on!

    7. Alice*

      I think that you need to start practicing at home. Not only will you improve your skill, you will also eventually start feeling more comfortable with your identity as an amateur musician. It’s ok to make mistakes – if people can’t accept that, then they should go listen to a recording instead of going to a session (live folk music). And it’s also ok to practice at home, as long as it’s not during quiet hours. Good luck!

    8. .*

      I agree with other commenters, play your heart out! I understand the feeling of being self conscious and what helped me was adopting a growth mindset. Everyone has to practice to become more skilled.
      And honestly those rude people have issues and are just projecting their insecurities onto you, it’s their problem not yours. Do what makes you happy and keep playing, I admire you!

    9. Ruth (UK)*

      Hi all, thanks for the encouraging comments – I did actually get out my fiddle (for the first time in 2018) and have a very quick practice session just to see what it felt like to play. I do mean very short – I played through a couple folk tunes a know well and all in all, it was back in its case in about 10 minutes). It felt ok, not dreadful, not great. I do think I’ll try to keep playing and get over this feeling. I feel self conscious a lot about things like this but also don’t come across this way (people think I’m quite confident and not afraid to look silly or make a mistake and stuff).

      In response to people calling the two people jerks – I would say the first one is a low-level jerk who I generally get on well with but do not consider an especially close friend.

      The other is, (arguably other than that specific comment) not a jerk and it’s not typically in his character to be critical of people etc. I am also quite close friends with him.

      What shook me about his comment was that, being quite drunk when he said it, I sort of read it as him being honest about how he felt about my playing (due to the alcohol) when normally he wouldn’t say anything (because of being polite), and the fact that he specifically pinpointed one of the ways in which my playing was poor (rather than just saying that he didn’t like it in general).

      1. Jessica*

        I think it’s great that you enjoy playing! I would definitely practice at home with the mute block, it makes it pretty unlikely that you’ll be heard. I totally sympathize with not wanting people to hear you practice, it also made me self-conscious, but it’s the only way to get better.
        Now for some advice/perspective that I hope helps you understand how to improve! I also play violin, and I was a bit surprised to read that you are generally in tune/in rhythm but are occasionally playing two strings accidentally. To me, that is somewhat of a beginner’s mistake, and that might be why it’s standing out to people. If you have a friend or instructor who could help you with your posture, that might help a lot. Otherwise, I’d suggest practicing just playing two open strings back and forth, starting as slowly as necessary, and then speeding up as you get better at it. The idea is to embed the proper position in your muscle memory. Once you have two strings down, you can try introducing some other notes to make sure they’re not throwing you off (so start with D A D A for example, then maybe D A F# A). Practicing in front of a mirror will help you see your posture (and also help you improve your sound quality by making sure your bow is staying between the fingerboard and the bridge).
        One of my biggest regrets is that I never really properly practiced as a kid. I’d play violin for 30-60 minutes a day, but I’d just play the songs I liked over and over and if I messed up I’d often just power through. Really, you should work just a couple measures at a time, playing them as slowly as necessary until it’s clean and in rhythm, even at a super slow pace. Then you can slowly speed up. Then you can start to put measures together until you have a full piece. You could try some etudes (here are a bunch of free resources: http://fiddlerman.com/studies-etudes-and-music/free-violin-music-studies-and-etudes/) to give your fingers some practice at different patterns.
        I was only trained in classical music, so maybe not all of this advice applies to folk music, but I hope it helps you practice and gain more confidence! Best of luck :D :D

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          I think the way I play is indeed an odd mix of ability levels in terms of the types of mistakes etc I make. I wonder if this is partly because I have played over a period of a very long time, but with limited formal training/instruction (at least not recently) and also, I play other instruments – I play piano at a higher level than my violin playing (and dabble a bit with piano accordion and recently glockenspiel!). I also play button melodeon (at a lower level to my violin playing, but I’m less self-conscious because there’s less to go wrong with sound quality!) I think this helps me with pinpointing when I’m in tune etc which makes that one an easier one to correct if it’s an issue. I am also a (very regular) dancer (ie. I am in 5 dance groups, and have a regular dance practice typically 4 times a week). So it makes sense my timing is good.

          By the way, I originally was taught by Suzuki method, but unfortunately it was long enough ago and not for long enough (and I didn’t practice enough) that it’s enough to make me realise my posture is wrong, but not pinpoint how to correct it!

          But thanks for the advice – I’ll look at the link in a min!

          1. Jessica*

            That makes total sense! You sound like you have a lot of musicality in general (which probably makes you a harsher critic on your violin playing!).
            I don’t know for sure if this applies to folk styles of playing violin, but my 2nd teacher helped me correct my posture by standing with my shoulder/upper arm of my bow hand against a wall. This was supposed to teach me that all the arm movement should come from below the elbow in order to draw the bow straight. Obviously in real life your upper arm won’t stay 100% still, but it can help you get the right feel in your elbow.
            (Disclaimer: I played a lot from age 12 until 26 or so, and have barely taken my violin out of its case in the past 4 years. This is making me want to go practice again! But it also means you are light-years ahead of me in terms of current dedication to violin haha.)

      2. Rosie M. Banks*

        I am a very excellent folk musician (if I do say so myself). I was at a gathering just last night, where people were jamming their hearts out on guitars, fiddles, mandolins, dulcimers, etc. In the midst of all our fantastic music, I overheard folks having bits of trouble with timing and missed notes and less-than-ideal intonation, and you know what? I couldn’t care less! Overall, the music was fun and the atmosphere was welcoming and everyone had a great time. People should make more music, not less! You don’t have to be perfect to play music!

      3. LilySparrow*

        Guy #2 may not be a full-time jerk, but that was a jerk move, absolutely.

        I think the alcohol didn’t remove his “manners” vs “honesty” filter.

        It removed his “decent person” vs “jerk” filter.

        Because, really, the point is the same – who made him the official gatekeeper of who’s allowed to play? Extremely arrogant and presumptuous.

      4. dawbs*

        sometimes, people are just weird about a certain noise too.

        You know the sound it makes when someone runs their finger up & down a guitar string but doesn’t pluck it? Holy Shiitake mushrooms, that sound is like nails on a blackboard to me. And it is EVERYWHERE, it’s on recordings of professionals I own (I tend to skip those tracks). It is not a horrid thing–I mean, it’s usually to be avoided (I think, i don’t play), but it’s not a cardinal sin of playing. Iif I can make myself not listen for it, it’s not bad…but somehow, I’ve trained myself to listen for it, so it drives me bonkers.

        I’m not saying he’s trying to be a jerk, but it might be *his* hang up, more than a major flaw of yours.

    10. King Friday XIII*

      I get it, I also have the kind of brain that will throw out six hundred compliments in favor of one useless insult. But you yourself said you’ve gotten multiple positive things, and you glossed over it but you mentioned that plenty of people play worse. ;) Folk sessions are supposed to be more about the fun of playing together than being, you know, a symphony orchestra. Tell your brain weasels to go eff themselves and play your violin.

      But yeah, if you’re worried about it, the suggestion above about asking a fellow violin or fiddle player you respect for feedback is not a bad idea if you believe they’ll be frank with you.

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Yeah, those hotel mutes are not great for sound quality, but that’s not what they’re designed for. And these guys are jerks. You know their comments are more about them than you. We all sometimes brush a string and sometimes we do it on purpose for musical effect. And we all have to start somewhere. If you enjoy playing, then play. Try and give the people who have complemented your playing equal or greater time in your brain. And if it really bothers you, you could add a couple of technical exercises to your practice routine. Suzuki is designed for kids, but I know lots of adults who use it as well. You could see if there are any You Tube videos on technique. Is there a nice person in your group who could evaluate your playing and give you tips? Do not get better for the jerks…do it for you. Also, is there a song you just love that you could learn on your own. Even if it’s a stretch piece. Maybe especially a stretch piece. I absolutely adore Caliope Dance. I spent hours learning it by ear off a recording back when I was still in orchestras because I loved it so much.

      I’ve been playing off and on like you for a really long time. Mostly classical, which I love to play, but I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for fiddle music. I didn’t do anything about it until recently. I even lived in bluegrass country and did nothing. (Admittedly, I had a spouse in grad school and a toddler and most jam sessions happen at night. But still!) Finally 3 years ago I joined a fiddle class and I love it. We learn music by ear, which is fun and somewhat comes naturally to me. I’m challenged by harmonies, identifying keys, and remembering what title belongs with what melody. I coast a lot on my years of classical experience, but my class is filled with retired people who are new to the instrument and work really hard. I should go practice now.

    12. Casuan*

      You’re your own audience here, Ruth, so if you’re playing just because you enjoy it, then do it! Play some of the pieces you know well & are good at to warm up, then tackle something more difficult if you want.
      It doesn’t sound like you’re going for any professional gigs, although if you are then, yeah, you’ll need to re-strategise & practise practise practise.
      When someone critiques you, be a bit self-effacing: “Yeah, I never get those notes right although I love trying!”

    13. Anono-me*

      Someone quietly playing the violin, or most other instruments in an apartment building (maybe not the drums or bagpipes) wouldn’t bother me during the day or early evening. I would suggest keeping it between 10 am and 7 pm. That way you avoid playing when people who sleep late are still resting and when parents start to put small children to bed.

    14. LilySparrow*

      Those guys are just arrogant jerks. Why do they think you need their unsolicited critique in the first place?

      I guarantee they target people who are feeling unsure, and leave alone the people who have demonstrated they don’t want or need the approval of mean-spirited amateur experts.

      Don’t let these guys gatekeep you out of something you’ve loved for 20 years. Screw ’em.

      And as long as you’re observing quiet hours in your building, practice away!

      If you want to get better, playing more is the only way. I hope you find your joy again!

    15. Jules the First*

      Don’t let them make you give up playing if it’s something you enjoy!

      For posture, you want to think of it like a ballroom dance “frame” – the best way to explain it is to feel it. Grab your instrument and put your back against a wall. Feel both shoulderblades in contact with the wall. Now put your instrument on your shoulder and play something (pluck instead of bowing unless you’ve got a handy pillar!) while keeping both shoulders flat on the wall. Repeat regularly until you can conjure this feeling without the wall. If wall space is at a premium, you can also do this on the floor.

      Next, bowing. The most likely issue is that you are bowing from the elbow when you should be using the wrist (at uni my teacher used to say you should play with the smallest part of your arm possible – fingers not wrist, wrist not elbow, elbow not shoulder…). Find that patch of wall, this time with your bow and instrument. Put the bow to the string (A is easiest angle for now) at about the midpoint and scootch over until the point of your elbow is resting on the wall. Now play some simple rhythms, keeping your elbow in contact with the wall – and don’t be discouraged if it’s tough…practice will help!

      The other thing that will help is improving suppleness in your fingers. Grab your bow and hold it vertically over your bed (because you will drop it the first million times you do this exercise!) in a proper bowhold. Now climb your fingers up the stick to the top while keeping it vertical (no cheating with your other hand). Once you can do that, climb your hand down from the top (much tougher!).

      And if you find yourself in London, ping me and I can take a look in person and maybe give you some more personalised suggestions (I don’t teach anymore, but I’m always happy to have a look at posture and mechanics when folks are stumped because I know that kind of teaching is usually hard to find and/or pricey)

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Thanks for this, I will try those. I do occasionally go to London (I’m 2 or 3 hours away by train, depending on how many stops it makes). Despite knowing other fiddle players here, I don’t have many I can easily ask for help from. Of the ones I can think of:
        1. Is very good but I don’t see her often and when we’ve played together before, she just says I’m good/fine and says she doesn’t really know how to teach
        2. another who is very good recently moved away
        3. a guy who is self-taught and I think he plays quite well (it’s a good sound to listen to – VERY folky by the way) but his playing style is vastly different from mine – he tucked the violin against low against him arm/shoulder and some folkies do, not under his chin, and he holds the bow way further up than me and he very frequently plays multiple strings at once (but when he does it, it seems to be for effect, not by accident
        4. another guy who is, honestly, awful. He’s never in tune (his instrument is out of tune to begin with) and he makes all those awful sounds that violins can make when in the hands of someone who can’t play. He has a lot of enthusiasm though.
        5. another woman, who is not dreadful like number 4, but is below my level rather than above, and is largely self-taught.

        The finger climbing thing, I actually recall doing as a child when I first learned, but forgot about all those bow exercises.

    16. Thlayli*

      It’s folk music, not the symphony orchestra. As your other aquaintance said if you’re on time and in tune you’re good enough for folk music. If you were perfect at it you wouldn’t be playing folk music you’d be a professional violinist. Don’t give up a hobby because you’re not good enough to be a professional.

      If you want to get better practice more. But don’t cut off a part of your life you enjoy because you’re not perfect at it!

      Below is a partial list of things people do as hobbies that they are not good enough to be professional at. Imagine if everyone who wasn’t as good as a professional just stopped altogether – there would be no hobbies left!
      Sports
      Crafts
      Writing
      Acting/drama
      Playing music
      Singing

    17. Viola player*

      This is yet another person saying don’t give up!
      I’m a professional viola player and, like every musician playing live music, sometimes I make mistakes: the odd scratchy sound, a dodgy position shift, hitting a string I don’t intend to play (I guess you could insert a lot of viola jokes here!) It’s all part of playing an incredibly complicated instrument, where there are always things you can improve.
      In relation to your specific problem, your bow control could be affected by tension in your right arm and shoulder: for a while I’d developed a bad habit of tensing and raising my right shoulder while playing, which obviously had a detrimental effect on the sound quality.
      Another thing which I don’t think anyone has mentioned: is it possible that the problem isn’t you but your violin? Check the shape of the bridge to make sure that it’s cut properly and that the grooves for the strings are in exactly the right place. This week I had to take a new instrument which a student had just bought in to get the bridge sorted out, as the way it had been cut made playing on the A and D strings really difficult.

    18. School Psych*

      Drapes for insulation? My piano teacher lived in a NYC apartment building and put thick drapes on the walls that bordered his neighbors and had rugs down in every room with rug pads underneath them. He never got complaints from neighbors and there was someone playing the piano all day long, since his job was teaching music. It wasn’t completely quiet, but it was muted enough that the neighbors could turn on the TV or radio and block out the sound of people practicing.

  8. Language Student*

    Thanks to everyone who gave me clothing care tips last week! Everything was really helpful so hopefully my wardrobe will be in better shape from now on. :)

  9. Rat in the Sugar*

    So I’ve been struggling for a long time with keeping both of my two indoor cats, Sunhillow and Moon Ra, properly stimulated and exercised, but I recently found a new solution!
    My issue is that Moon Ra is very energetic and will chase after anything, but Sunhillow is more particular and requires a perfectly simulated hunt every time. Like, he wants to stalk the toy around the living room for a good ten minutes before he’ll deign to actually pounce on it. Moon Ra always runs over and starts chasing the toy herself, and then Sunhillow loses interest and starts yowling at me because she threw off his groove. It’s too difficult to play with them both using two cat wands as they have to be far apart so they won’t get distracted by each other’s toys– Sunhillow won’t touch a toy Moon Ra is playing with, but whatever Sunhillow has is always the most enticing to her. And trying to wear Moon Ra out and then playing with Sunhillow by himself doesn’t work either, as Moon Ra basically does not get worn out. Ever.
    But a solution has been found — bubbles! I found a little bottle of catnip scented non – toxic bubble solution, and it has been a huge hit. Bubbles are apparently one of the great mysteries of the universe (I think because they’re hard to see in the first place and then disappear when they pop) and both of them will stare at and chase bubbles — together! — for ages. It’s very stimulating for them and they get a good bit of exercise, especially if you blow the bubbles in different places around the room.
    Does anyone else have games similar to this that they play with their cats, that more than one kitty can play at the same time? It’s hilarious watching them chase bubbles around but I like to switch things up to keep them interested. The only other thing I’ve found is laser toys, but those make the cats a bit frustrated so I try not to use them too much.

    1. cat socks*

      Catnip bubbles are so fun! I need to break mine out to entertain the kitties. Well, I find them entertaining too. Two out of my four kitties love to play. Luckily they are pretty good about taking turns, but sometimes I’ll put in another room so I can have one-on-one playtime. I’ve tried playing with one toy in each hand, but I’m not super coordinated. They love playing with Da Bird feather toy. I recently found these mouse and bird attachments that drive them crazy. The Flingama String Toy will keep one of the cats entertained on his own while I play with the other one.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Bubbles+cats=hilarity. Both of our cats love bubbles. We actually have a video of them playing with the bubbles and in it, our rambunctious Marlowe try to catch one, then looks at both paws confused cause it’s gone!

    3. SAHM*

      Bubbles are universally loved, we pulled out the bubble maker a week ago bc the weather is so nice, and the kids will play for up to two hours chasing bubbles (I’m talking 8 yr olds here, 6&5 too but 8 is that weird age where some things are too little for them). Our dogs also chase the bubbles, jumping up and trying to eat them. You might also want to give a dollar store bubble maker or one from target a try if you get tired of always blowing bubbles.

      2. dawbs*

        (there’s a comment from me in mod w/ a link–I can assure you that I didn’t and wouldn’t pay $50 for bubble solution, please shop for something cheaper :)

    4. doctor schmoctor*

      Strange. My family has always had cats as pets. But none of them reacted to catnip. Most of them completely ignored it. One of them gave a few sniffs and then walked away.

      Maybe they were just weird.

  10. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Live From New York is one of my favorite oral histories! James Andrew Miller also wrote another favorite, Powerhouse, about the CAA. Couldn’t put it down. He is so good at that genre.

    In other news… I think I’m sick. I feel mostly ok, but I’m stuffy and coughing occasionally and my throat is a little sore. However, the sore throat could be because of the post-nasal drip OR because I sang in a concert last night. Here’s the issue: I have another concert tonight and another tomorrow, and I have never “called out” of a concert. I am one of about 160 singers. Right now I’m going to see how I feel in a few hours, but I hate making these decisions. I feel well enough to bake a loaf of bread and do my laundry, and I could probably power through a two-hour concert, yet… singing. Inadvertent spitting. Cough suppression. Breathing on people. Sigh.

    1. OperaArt*

      Speaking as a choral singer myself.
      If the tables were turned so that you felt well and the person who was to be next to you during the concert felt the way you do now, what would you hope they would decide about singing tonight?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yup, you’re right. This is all leftovers from school days, where I feel like I have to justify every ache and pain. Thank you for that! I often need a bit of a push to alleviate the guilt.

        My boyfriend, who is also singing in these concerts, is like, “Nooooooo, stay home.” But who listens to HIM? :)

      2. Forking Great Username*

        Not a choral singer, but this is what I was thinking too! If I was one of the other singers in your group I would encourage you to stay home (and not get me sick.)

  11. nep*

    As of yesterday evening I have sworn off shoveling snow (after about four rounds throughout the day) — and oddly, it feels good to finally state that and act on it.
    I love the exercise of shoveling (as discussed in a thread a while back), but I always feel it’s too great a risk — back pain or possible heart issues…Every year I say ‘This is it — I’m done’ but I kept doing it.
    I’m going on about a month of no back pain and it’s been like paradise — I don’t want to go back to the misery because of one bad move with the shovel. I’m careful about form, but since I don’t know what causes my back pain I don’t want to mess with it. The heart — who knows. All I know is I feel pretty awful after a lot of shoveling (and generally I’m very healthy and feel great all the time — I hate that shoveling takes that away from me). Someone might say ‘suck it up’…which I’ve been doing for years. But it’s just not worth it.
    Done. Good to just own it and not feel like a wuss or guilty about it.
    Does anyone relate to this? (Yes — overthinking it…but for years there was this sense that I would be wussing out if I didn’t go out and shovel — so stupid.)

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I hate shovelling too, but my city will fine people who don’t shovel within 48 hrs. I have occasionally gone up to four days for less snow, and I do have a neighbour who has a snowblower and will sometimes do the whole street. But if I could get away with it, or if I had the money to pay the fine (or hire someone to shovel), I would skip it.

      1. nep*

        I hear you. We have a neighbour up the street who was nice enough yesterday to go up and down the entire block clearing the sidewalks. (That was one round of many — the snow just kept coming.)
        One of the best things about shoveling was the satisfaction seeing it all clear — that didn’t happen yesterday.
        I live with an older relative right now who can’t shovel — she’s been depending on me to do it. But I’ve told her from now on when it comes to clearing the snow she’ll have to pretend I’m not here and pay someone to do it.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          When I moved to my house I was like, this neighbourhood is so quiet, no teenagers!!! Now when I need snow shovelled, I’m like, this neighbourhood is so quiet. No teenagers :(

          1. nep*

            Exactly.
            A couple snowfalls back, a young man was walking about with a shovel asking if anyone needed their snow cleared. That particular day I’d already done it but I told him to keep coming round. Either he’s not been by since or I’ve missed him each time. It’s truly a win-win — I’m spared having to clear the snow and a young, enterprising person makes some dough.

      2. Rainy*

        I fucked up a wrist falling on an inadequately shoveled sidewalk a few years back. Injuries like mine (and worse) are why there are shovel laws and fines, in case you were unaware.

        1. nep*

          I would never leave the sidewalk icy and treacherous. I walk/jog and it’s a huge pain not to have them cleared. When I say I’ve sworn off shoveling I don’t mean I’ve sworn off being a good citizen and making sure the walks are cleared; hope it didn’t come across that way.
          (Running a shovel along the sidewalk and pushing it is a far cry from clearing the driveway especially after the streets have been plowed. No worries about doing that.)

          1. Rainy*

            You definitely did not come off as someone who leaves sidewalks uncleared! Obviously it makes no difference between doing it yourself and hiring it done, as long as it gets done, that’s the important part. :)

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          I don’t leave mine bad either! I hate doing it, and shovelling in -30 is the WORST, but it gets done.

    2. fposte*

      I outsourced snow removal the last back surgery year and never took it back. Plus my snow removal guy (who’s also my yard care guy) is so delightful it’s practically a pleasure to give him money.

      1. nep*

        Love it.
        That’s what my relative has to do — find someone who will be delightful and reliable. I think she’s going to ask a couple of neighbours about people who do their snow removal.

        1. fposte*

          My neighbors have two young kids, and one is *obsessed* with lawn mowing. My guy (who has a young son of his own) will kindly answer all kinds of the kid’s questions about machines and mowing and also keep an eye out to make sure he’s out of the way.

          1. Myrin*

            Completely random but I somehow didn’t see your post nep responded to and then I saw you say “my guy” (without the yard and shoveling context) and I was like “????? I thought fposte has said before that she’s single? And not only that, but her partner has a son, too??” I suddenly felt like you’re a perfect stranger. (Which, I mean, you are, but you still get this feeling of somehow knowing someone when you “meet” them on a website every day. I was shocked there for a moment.)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So you live with an elderly person and take care of them, too. Yeah, that shoveling thing is probably a bit too much. And it gets worse as the decades roll by. Hopefully, you can get yourself position so that you just do the small spaces that the snow blower can’t get into like near the doors or on the stairs.
      Some storms are worse than others, can I just say that you picked a particularly BAD storm not to ask for help?
      Bare bones ask for someone to come help when it’s over 3 inches or so. I have an old tractor with a 48″ thrower on it and I was out there for hours, twice. The second time a friend called and said, “I’m coming, I’m coming.” So I got a bit of relief then. The snow was up over the thrower, I had to do everything twice to get through it. It was just a tough, tough storm.

      I don’t know if you have choices in different shovels. If you have different shovels to chose from you might want to see if a different style works better for you. I am almost 5′ 8″. I hate short handled shovels which most of them are. I tried those shovels with the bent handle and that was not helpful. My oldest shovel remains my favorite. It has a long handle and the shovel proper is not wide, I don’t pick up unwieldy loads that tip to one side or the other. It’s metal too, not that plastic junk. I have this fruitless quest to find The Perfect Shovel.

    4. nep*

      Not that I have to ramble on about this here — but just for the record.
      Here’s what it comes down to: I am big on keeping fit and healthy; feeling really good most of the time and being able to exercise as I need to are truly keeping me sane at a time when I’ve got anxiety issues, I’m severely underemployed and pretty much broke, and my current living situation is trying at best.
      I feel as if I’m going on and on ‘defending’ my decision here, when it’s not even a big deal. Just wanted to put that out there — this other layer. It’s huge. And I’ve just got to be OK with the fact that my family wouldn’t understand.

      1. fposte*

        For me there was a bit of a generational element to this, too. The DIY outside stuff was a standard in my family growing up and it clearly was something my father felt was inappropriate to outsource; while he was always very “You do you!” in explicit messaging to me, the fact that he felt that that was just not an area to spend money on clearly made a big impression on me.

        I’ve also had a lot of thoughts lately, for a variety of reasons, about not wanting to perceive myself as a quitter. It’s such a baked-in-from-childhood denigration, whereas “a person mistakenly sticking with something when it’s useless, unnecessary, and possibly harmful ” is a concept that arrives a lot later in life. So I still squirm a bit initially when I stop doing just about anything, and it can take me a minute to remember there are really no additional virtue points for staying when I should go.

        1. nep*

          You just nailed it — the thought process I had when I finally, finally said I’m done shoveling.
          Same here — grew up in a family where we outsourced little to nothing. And I am loath to quit at anything, so I had to shift perspective here. And then not worry about anyone else’s view of it.
          Thanks for the insights.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I have been thinking about this lately, too. My parents could not afford to outsource too much. They started with nothing, I mean nothing. They had to buy everything they needed every inch of the way. I am in a different position. I inherited their furniture and other household miscellaneous, so I did not have to start with nothing. This means money not spent on basics can be put toward something else.

            Additionally. my parents grew up in a blue collar world. They knew how to do things because they had to learn. I tend to wonder if they worked themselves into an early grave. We admire their self-sufficiency but was it a truly good thing all the time? Is it as necessary in today’s world?

            It was a different mind set because the needs and resources were so very different at that time. I have been thinking about this because of just how much work I have had to pay someone else to do. It gets discouraging sometimes.

        2. Amey*

          Oh, this is so true! My husband’s family is like this and it’s really rubbed off on both my husband and I and their other children. There are so many things that you just don’t outsource (that plenty of other people do) like basically anything house or garden related. They were and still are always extremely careful with money (though they’re fairly well off now – partly because of that care) and they will never pay anyone to do something that they could, conceivably, do themselves. If they do have to pay someone for something, they’ll feel the need to justify in detail. That in turn makes all of us feel the need to justify really normal outsourcing to both them and ourselves. We recently had a builder in to do a job (which we couldn’t do ourselves) and a repairman in to fix a couple of appliances that were beyond my husband’s skill and it was such a relief. We enjoy and get a sense of achievement from some of the work but other times you’re just making yourself suffer for no reason once you step back and look at it.

      2. Ktelzbeth*

        All I have to say is “you go!” If not shoveling is what you need to do, don’t shovel. I learned last fall the joys of giving people money to do things I don’t want to do even though I’m perfectly capable and eventually got over the guilt of not being self-sufficient and “wasting” all that money. Except it wasn’t a waste. I got to do things that enhanced my life and someone else made a little more money to feed their family.

        2. Clumsy Ninja*

          I’m right with you – I’ve sometimes justified it to myself by looking at how long it would take me to do the job (that I didn’t like) versus how long it would take to earn the money to pay someone else to do it (and do it well!). For many things, it’s a no brainer just by looking at the time trade off. For others, I’m happy to help someone else pay their bills and avoid doing what I don’t like.

          1. nep*

            The time investment is certainly important. I’d rather spend the time on my cover letters and research.

      3. Envy*

        You mentioned in the original post that some back pain was unexplained. If you have anxiety that could explain it. My anxiety always comes with different symptoms every attack. I injured my back many years ago and for the past year when I’ve had back pain I couldn’t recall aggravating it. I was reading up about different ways anxiety shows itself and back pain was one of them. Lately the back pain is the worst. Seems to come out of nowhere when I’m anxious about having to run errands then goes away when the errands are done.

    5. Anono-me*

      You might want to check out the Shoveler, Snowhub, or Plowz apps.

      I love my snow thrower. If I didn’t have that or a service; I think I would cry a little bit then go back inside until spring.

    6. Oxford Coma*

      Our snowblower is broken, because it needs one small part that is discontinued. My husband refuses to replace the entire snowblower due to this part, but is unable to make the repair. (Gerry-rigging is not viable since the part is a piece of the fuel system.)

      So, I have had to shovel our entire 1/4-mile long driveway non-stop during the past two years, while he conveniently has a back injury and can’t help. But he doesn’t think any of this is a big deal, and we can make do. *screaming*

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        That’s incredibly selfish of him. Inform him that until a functional snowblower is available, you won’t be doing any snow clearing and he can just figure it out. Then go make yourself a cup of tea (or whatever) and DON’T SHOVEL SNOW.

      3. Cruciatus*

        Ew. We also have a long driveway. We do have a snowblower for emergencies or touching up the driveway, but we pay someone to plow it for us. It’s worth it if you can afford it. We pay for each run through our driveway and you can usually work out how often you’d like them to come. Just after huge snow storms, early morning and evening, etc. I would not continue shoveling. Ours would take hours, depending on the amount of snow. Ain’t nobody got time for that! New snowblower, pay a snow plower, or get someone else to fix the blower, but that is much too much work for any one person. Or even two people.

      4. Clumsy Ninja*

        I’d be buying the new snowblower myself or hiring a service. Having to be the only one affected by “making do” would be completely uncool.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I only shovel my driveway, but I don’t *shovel*–I push the snow off it like a little snowplow. I guess I’m doing okay, since it never seems to bother me. But honestly, if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. I quit mowing my lawn because it kills my shoulder. I pay someone to do it now and it’s worth every penny.

  12. bassclefchick*

    I found out the Hamilton tour is coming to my city for the 2019-2020 season!!! Oh, man. Would I LOVE to go! But those tickets will probably be out of my reach. Both in terms of cost and in how quickly they will sell out. The venue suggested the best way to guarantee tickets is to become a subscriber for the 2018-2019 season. Yeah, spend even more money on shows you might not want to see, just to get tickets to the most popular show.

    Such a first world problem, I know. Oh, well. Maybe if they manage to get The Book of Mormon the same season, it will be easier to get tickets to see that one. LOL

    1. Rainy*

      Depending on how your local does subscriptions, sometimes theatres will offer a limited subscription deal in addition to the full season subscription. My last city had a subscription where you bought into three shows, and I don’t think you even had to pick them ahead of time. It might be worth investigating if yours has a similar subscription tier.

      1. Someone else*

        Most theaters who are getting Hamilton and putting it on subscription are excluding it from anything other than full season packages. They’re giving away money to do otherwise.

    2. Kathenus*

      Last year I found out Hamilton would be in my city this year and faced the same situation. I wasn’t willing/able to get season tix either. What I did do was join the email list for the theater it was coming to in order to get notification of when tickets went on sale. I got up early, got into their ‘virtual waiting room’ online a half hour before they went on sale (had I know there was a virtual waiting room I would have done it earlier), and by dedicating the time to staying online and waiting until I came up in the queue I was able to get tickets about 30 minutes or so after they opened them up.

      The three+ week run sold out within about three to four hours, but the email list notifications and planning to be fully available when they did go on sale made it relatively easy to get them for me. Budget was a different story but I prioritized them in my discretionary spending, and got mid-range ones that are decent seats but not crazy expensive. Another bonus is that the theater occasionally runs great sales advertised on their email list and I’ve gone to some other shows for great discounts.

      Good luck!

    3. Lily Evans*

      I got subscription tickets for it in Boston, because I actually wanted to see 5/6 shows and they had a payment plan that worked for me. Also a subscriber ticket for a balcony seat for the full season was only slightly more expensive than just one Hamilton orchestra seat ticket at the subscriber price (idek how much they’re going to charge for the public onsale). I ended up paying the difference for a closer seat just for Hamilton, but the balc seats aren’t terrible for the other shows.

      1. Lily Evans*

        Obviously I believe you when you say they’re out of your budget, though. I meant this more as a commentary on how ridiculous getting tickets is for the show!

    4. Kristy Lane*

      If you become a member, make sure that gives you the option to get Hamilton tickets. I know some cities did not give the subscribers first dibs on Hamilton tickets.

      1. Lily Evans*

        And when they do give subscribers dibs, it’s super limited! When they opened extra subscriber tickets here it was for less than a week and you only got two tickets (in addition to however many you originally subscribed to). I caused a minor family upset because I bought them on behalf of my grandmother and her best friend (who’d asked me about them six months prior, they’re super into musicals) when apparently my mom (who had previously shown no interest in it) apparently wanted to go. They also were only selling a limited number of seats per show at the subscriber price, and being sneaky because when you bought additional tickets they’d claim that they were the “best available” but once you bought them you could “upgrade” to better seats for the same show, at the same price. Which is how I got my grandma and her friend Orchestra seats for $200 each and became her favorite grandchild in the process (jk).

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      We’re getting Book of Mormon AND Wicked this year, so I am excited. It definitely is easier to get tickets to the good shows if you subscribe, as subscribers are given first dibs. However, you don’t have to buy a ticket to every show. You can buy tickets to two shows just to get tickets to the show you want. Is this possible in your city?

    6. Jen RO*

      I just want to say that I am extremely jealous of all your people in the US and the UK who actually get to see musicals. I only have bootlegs on YouTube, because musicals and Romania are just not a thing.
      :(

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Germany seems to be the place to see musicals, although they will be performed in German. I was out shopping today and saw various offers for city breaks to Hamburg and Cologne including tickets to various musicals.

        1. Jen RO*

          Hm that’s actually good to know, because Germany is fairly close, a good vacation spot *and* I am studying German!

          Also I realized I will be in London for work in about a month, so maybe, just maybe I will be able to squeeze in a musical.

    7. many bells down*

      My venue did the same thing with subscriptions, but I also signed up for the “Ticketmaster verified fan” thing which allowed me to buy them like a day before they “officially” went on sale. It cost me almost $400 for two, and you can’t see any of the prices before you buy them!

      But there’s also an official app where you can enter the lottery for $10 tickets. If you’re flexible when you can see it, I’d go that route.

      1. zyx*

        I would definitely not count on the lottery for getting tickets. My friends and I all entered every day for every show, and none of us won in the months Hamilton was here. I bought the cheapest seats I could get (because that’s what I could afford) and saw it that way.

      2. Windchime*

        I work with a guy who won the lottery for the show in Los Angeles! He lives here in Seattle, but he won two tickets ($10 each). He and his wife had some airline points, so they booked a flight and took a day trip to LA to see the show. He said it was amazing. So I am now entering the lottery on a daily basis. Hoping to win!

  13. matcha123*

    Could I get some outside perspective on a friend…or maybe ex-friend?
    I’ve known him for years and early last year we really seemed to click. I should say that despite knowing him for now almost 18 years, he was never good at reaching out to me to chat or anything. When I was in his area, I would shoot him a message, we’d have dinner, part ways and never exchange any messages until the next time I contacted him.

    So, we hit it off well and I was open to dating him depending on how things went. We had a “welcome to the city” dinner when I moved to his area last year and during the dinner, it seemed like he tried to push the topic to make it a date…without calling it a date. He asked me a lot of questions that I personally consider private, such as my taste in men and my thoughts on marriage and children. He asked me about my interest in what could be considered date-like activities and told me he told his friends about me. I was not prepared for those kinds of questions, they make me terribly uncomfortable and I didn’t really give any positive answers to him. The night ended on a weird note, but I figured that since he was a friend and I’d just moved there, he would look at it as a meh night.

    A few days later I invited him to an event and he replied with, “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll go when I get a girlfriend.” So, I asked if he’d like to date, he said no and that we weren’t compatible, but bffs and that was that.

    What has been bothering me is that the 3 times I met him after that, it seemed like he was trying to brag about his job (he saw my salary and said that it was low for the work I do); when I spoke about how paying my student loans and other financial things had me stressed he said, “And I have a good paying job,” as if he were trying to bait me into asking him for money? and a few other things.
    I’ve tried to shoot him friendly messages throughout the year, but after he got a girlfriend, he would reply that he was doing something with her, or he would not reply to my messages at all.

    I guess I’m wondering if it’s even worth it to continue this friendship? I felt like his reply to my invitation and him not introducing me to any of his friends is his way of sending me a pointed message that he doesn’t want me in his life. I tried to keep in better contact with him since he called me his bff, but I want a friend I can feel comfortable with. Not one that’s going to diss me. This guy is not American, but spent about 8 years in the US, including his secondary and post-secondary education. He’s misinterpreted things I’ve said before due to language issues, and that’s really the only reason I hesitate to say eff it and throw in the towel. Thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      If he hasn’t been responding or showing up for a year and was annoying before that, I don’t see the point in putting effort it here. Maybe you’ll find a good friendship track again in another decade, but right now doesn’t seem to be the time. Put him in a storage box in the basement. Metaphorically.

      1. matcha123*

        I’ve mentally been preparing myself for that over the past few months. There’s only so much detail I can get into online. I wanted to present my side objectively and fairly to him, since I couldn’t tell if I were blowing things out of proportion.

    2. Athena X*

      I’d let that one fade away gently. Put your energies into developing friendships with people you admire and who that make you feel good about yourself – this guy is neither of those.

      1. matcha123*

        Good points. I’ve been more willing to cut old “friends” out of my life recently. I want friends who give as equally as possible.

    3. Fiennes*

      It sounds lik he doesn’t understand how to navigate a platonic friendship with a woman, at least not one where both parties seem to have at least considered dating at some point. He chose not to date you, and you were okay with that…and I think maybe he’s not okay with you being okay with it! The “good-paying job” stuff sounds to me like he wants you to consider him a good catch, which given his refusal to date is just weird. Does he want the ego boost of someone longing for him? Has he second-guessed his decision not to date but put the responsibility for revisiting that issue all on you? Obviously I don’t know, but it sounds to me like you’re not enjoying your interactions much anymore. In your place I’d just leave it up to him to invite for a while, accept only occasionally and only for stuff that sounds extra fun, and see if he can work through this on his own. If so, great. If not, you can let the friendship go.

      (I really relate to this Q because I have a kind-of-friend with whom I briefly went out for two short periods many years ago. Each time, he sent me long emails afterward apologizing for breaking my heart—which was not only not broken but also not even scratched. What about casual dating did he not get? I wondered. But it was never a big deal for me, and I never delved into it with him.

      Fast forward a decade, and I’m on a group email on which this guy lets us know he’s moving back to town and will be in touch. Six months later, while my partner and I are planning a Christmas party at our house, I think, hey, I never heard from That Guy, some mutual friends will be there, maybe he’d like to come. I send him a message on FB, inviting him. Within an hour he writes back, accepting the invite, but he had to add, “I feel I should let you know I’m seeing someone.” Like, seriously, after a decade, That Guy remains convinced I’m angling for him, despite all evidence to the contrary.

      Tl;dr—some guys really want to be the one doing the rejecting.

      1. matcha123*

        I got the feeling he had been depressed for a number of years and when I saw him last year, he seemed happy that he’d lost a lot of weight and started dating. I was happy for him. But, I did not like feeling like I was being treated like some random girl off of a dating app.
        I mean, I get that he got into the dating game late. I am the same. But, it was like his friends? were feeding him lines off of cheesy PuA forums and he was expecting me to be impressed with superficial things. I did shoot him a message asking for local dating advice. If he’s not interested in me, I guess I should be able to ask him about other guys. He was eager to give me advice and added, “But, I totally don’t understand why you want to date without getting married.” Which is not what I said at all when I talked to him. I said I wasn’t interested in, or didn’t care about, marriage. Marriage is big here and I’m sure his family is putting pressure on him, but I don’t come from that background.
        I’ve come to a similar conclusion about reaching out. If he wants to talk to me, he has a number of ways to get in touch, he knows were I work and I don’t live that far from him.

        1. fposte*

          And you’re free to decide even then that you’re not interested in being friends with him–your friendship choice doesn’t have to hang on whether he’s interested in your friendship or not.

          1. matcha123*

            That is an option that I’ve only recently realized was open to me. It is scary, but empowering, to feel like I am on equal footing with someone. I have to keep reminding myself of this to make it stick.

          2. Snark*

            Seconded. One does not need to be friends with someone as long as they’re content to passively allow you to spend time with them on accasion.

    4. neverjaunty*

      I’m tired just hearing about this guy. And no, it doesn’t sound like language issues; language issues don’t make someone ask person questions or ignore attempts at contact.

      1. matcha123*

        He has never had any problems asking language-related questions or clarifying the meaning of other topics. I assumed that he’d do the same in this kind of situation, but I guess not!

      3. Casuan*

        What you described wasn’t a dinner with a friend. It was an interview for him to determine which level of relationship that you are in his life.
        This isn’t a language issue; if it was you’d know by now.
        Matcha, you deserve to have friends who want to be with you & who make you feel better about yourself, not worse. This is never an easy decision although as you’ve been learning you’ve felt more empowered when you’ve made these types of breaks. Do that now.
        Also, you needn’t bother to tell him or to give him reasons. It might seem like you’d feel better by doing so, however it can also backfire because if you don’t get a certain reaction then you’ll feel even worse [& yeah, I’m projecting here].

        1. matcha123*

          An interview is exactly what it felt like. The vibe was completely different from the times I met with him when I was in the process of moving. The relaxed, carefree nature of those chats really made me feel good. This dinner kind of made me think he had prepared to question me and expected that I’d done the same. This was also a dinner after we both got off work and in the middle of the week at a random place, nothing fancy.
          I did end up sending him a message last year because the whole thing was causing me a lot of stress. I told him that I enjoyed his company when I met him on fun occasions last year and that I was disappointed potential miscommunications had come up, but I hoped that in the future we could strive to make our communications clear. I also told him I was absolutely not interested in taking money from him and I don’t want to put friends in that position. But, he hasn’t replied to that at all. I suspect he won’t.

    5. Snark*

      Honestly? If this is too blunt, I apologize in advance, but this person is not a friend, ex or current. He’s a slightly garbage dude who periodically enjoys your attention. He’s content to play low-stakes footsie games with you on occasion – probably when he needs a little ego boost – but wasn’t and isn’t remotely interested in putting in any effort to maintain a friendship or anything else. He hasn’t introduced you to any of his friends or family because that’s not who you are to him.

      I’m sorry. It sucks. I’ve been there, with the genders reversed. But cut this guy loose. He’s using you, and at that, not even enthusiastically.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. There are men and women who will just hang out with someone because nothing better is going to today. Tomorrow when something better is going on, bye-bye. I have a family member who has Big Fear of being alone. She’ll hang out with almost anyone, just so she is not alone. It does not matter if she likes them or not.
        Look at it this way, you can waste your time and thoughts about this friendship OR you can find other friendships where people actively enrich your life.

      2. matcha123*

        We have a number of mutual friends, and so I’ve tried to play it cool. But, the more I think about his behavior, the more annoyed I get. There’s still a part of me that would have liked to date him. I met another guy a few months ago and after fooling around a bit, he said he’d prefer we stay as friends. It kind of hurt, but this other guy has been a good friend and the contrast is striking.
        I had to stroke my ex-boyfriend’s ego without getting much in return and I’m not looking to do that again. When I haven’t been in contact with other friends for months, we can pick up where we left off because we had great communication in the beginning. There wasn’t even much of that for us.

        1. Casuan*

          When I haven’t been in contact with other friends for months, we can pick up where we left off because we had great communication in the beginning. There wasn’t even much of that for us.

          Between this & his when-I-get-a-girlfriend remark… I think you have your answer, Matcha.

    6. Triple Anon*

      The personal questions and firm boundaries around dating versus friendship make me think that he’s into old fashioned gender roles even if he doesn’t say so. He sounds like the kind of person who views all interactions between men and women as some kind of dating or precursor to dating, and who is looking for a long term relationship where the roles are clearly defined (the man is the leader/provider and the woman is in charge of the household and follows the man’s lead). A lot of people think this way even if they aren’t open about it or may even be in denial to some extent. It can be a deeply ingrained cultural thing (including in the US).

      That’s my take, reading what you wrote and fitting it with my own experiences. I’m kind of masculine and I tend to befriend men over platonic things like shared interests and a similar sense of humor. It took me a long time to figure out how to tell if they see it as a precursor to dating or if they actually want to be platonic friends, and how to communicate about that stuff. It’s tricky because there is a lot of middle ground where people are kind of checking each other out but are also interested in friendship.

      Personnally, I think platonic male-female friendships between hetero or bi people are the next frontier. They’re under rates and we need more acceptance and discussion in that area. But there’s still a long way to go.

      1. matcha123*

        I do think he tilts to more traditionally-minded gender roles. At our dinner he told me he wanted to date someone that had her own career and was independent but not too independent. I’ve been living alone since I graduated university and I’ve had to mostly depend on myself for a lot of things, and not because I wanted to.

        Most of my male friends here are married and some have kids. I’ve never been popular with the kinds of guys I’m interested in, so I was quite happy that he seemed interested. Even if things didn’t work out, we can still be friends and chat. It seems like he stays in contact with other female friends, so I don’t even know.

        I wasn’t raised with traditional gender roles and I get thrown off by people that assume I would want a man to provide for me. Or that as a female searching for a man to marry is my ultimate goal in life. Those things just don’t even register.

    7. Come On Eileen*

      Sounds like several of your most recent interactions with him have been strained and uncomfortable. If it were me, I have enough people in my life that I enjoy spending time with that I wouldn’t put more effort into this awkward friendship — I’d let it fade away.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I know you can’t put all the context into a short question, but I’m not seeing the friend part.

      Like, the part where you enjoy his company, share common interests, and do fun things together that you both like.

      Do yourself a favor, and invest your time & energy in people you have that kind of relationship with. If he wants to invite you somewhere fun, maybe go if you feel like it. Don’t if you don’t. And fill up your time with good things so you don’t have time to worry about it.

      1. matcha123*

        We have a number of shared interests, but since I wasn’t living in his area we never really met up. When I moved to his area, he contacted me about once again getting into one of our shared hobbies and I was like YES! and then after the dinner interview he never contacted me about it again. I did contact him months later and we arranged a date to hang out. I’d say many of our interests align, but until recently, distance was the problem. I have hesitated to talk to him about or ask to borrow his items since I don’t want to have my messages ignored or met with “That’s something I’ll do with my girlfriend.”
        I am willing to guess he’s clueless enough to not know how hurtful “I’ll do that activity with my girlfriend (but not you)” is.

        1. Betsy*

          Just wanted to say that I can kind of relate. I started chatting to a friend of a friend online recently, because we seemed to have very similar interests and sense of humour. We got to the point where we were chatting all the time and he asked quite personal and specific questions about my dating preferences and things like that. When we were finally able to meet up (living in different cities) he didn’t seem to want to have that much to do with me, despite having put so much effort into spending so much time chatting previously. These kinds of situations can be infuriating and I really can sympathise. I feel like some people really do want to hedge their bets and some people don’t want to be open about their feelings. The best people were just straightforward, even if they turned out not to be interested, they were upfront about it, but not mean. I guess what frustrated me about my situation was the second-guessing (what’s really going on here; did I just totally misread everything?) and feeling like I’m not even considered worthwhile enough to receive a kind rejection.

          1. matcha123*

            That is kind of how I feel. I have to keep reminding myself that he was the one that sent very clear signals that he liked me; he was the one that brought up the dating topics; and he was the one that dissed his ex-girlfriend to me (she was crazy because she was a member of a religious group, which is more like a cult here so I understand his reservations, but he dated her knowing that!) and then dissed his current girlfriend’s taste in music.
            I’ve reminded myself that he’s probably told his friends I was “crazy,” too. And even if I did date him, if we broke up, he’d probably call me “crazy.” So, that does make me feel better.
            If he were some random person I’d only met a handful of times, I’d be ticked off. A friend of almost 20 years? Very disappointed.

    9. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      IDK, I mean, don’t be friends with someone you don’t want to be friends with. That’s a choice you can only make for yourself. But I see people on this thread calling him a garbage person and I really don’t see anything to back that kind of derision up:
      – You’ve been friends for a long time, but not particularly close. I’m friends with hundreds of people that I have no regular contact with… Facebook makes that a lot easier, and I might grab a drink with them when they or I are in town but we’re not in a group chat or anything together. Nothing wrong with any of that, on face.
      – You move to his city, and get together for dinner. You noted that you’re open to dating him, depending on how things go. But you’re immediately put off that he seems interested in dating you.
      – I’m not convinced that any of his questions had to do with dating you anyway! Of course, this is a level of detail that you know and I don’t. But especially if I know i’m not interested in dating someone, I’ll ask them about their taste in significant others, or whether they want to have children, or whatever, all day long. You note that he also asks you about shared interests, which given that you’ve known each other for almost 2 decades seems pretty normal! I don’t know what you might have expected to talk about instead?
      – The subsequent stuff all sounds pretty normal to me, too. If a friend is talking about pay and work and stuff, I’ll give an opinion on if I think their pay is low compared to market (unless they seem like they really don’t want to talk about it) or whatever.
      – I’m interested in what the activity was that he said “I’ll go when I have a girlfriend.” If its, like, a painting class or something, that might be weird. If it involves dancing, its less weird. I think I’d need to know specifics to pass judgement on that.

      Ultimately, I feel like y’all maintained a distant but fine relationship, and then you got into the same city and, in person, one-on-one, y’all just didn’t really mesh. This is fine and normal and you can absolutely decide that that’s not a friendship you want to continue, but a lof of this sounds like you’re trying to ascribe a lot of motives to his actions that I’m not sure are a straight a to b (assuming he wanted to date in the first place instead of maybe just being curious about you, talking about how its “hurtful” to hear that he wants to do certain activities with a girlfriend, etc) that I just am not convinced the details really back up.

      Again, you know your life better than I do! And I’m very open to the idea that there are more details that change the tone of this story. And either way, again, if you don’t wanna be friends with him then don’t be! But I think that people here talking about how this guy is a jerk for … I guess maybe trying to date someone who expressed an interest in dating him? are really stretching.

      1. matcha123*

        I kept re-writing my reply. I don’t know if you’ll check this thread, but, until a little over a year ago this friend and I never talked about dating or anything like that. I met with him a few times before I moved to his city and that’s when we did talk about general dating stuff. He’d been dating a lot more and was excited to tell me about it, and I listened. However, those conversations covered a bunch of other topics, too.
        During the dinner, the topic was almost entirely date-focused. I was expecting the same casual, easygoing conversation from before and he kind of literally and figuratively had me cornered and fired off questions.
        I am certain I told him that since moving to his city that my budget was going to be tight for the foreseeable future, but free or low-cost events were possible.

        The event I invited him to was an exhibition for a wildly popular figure in this country. Think Morgan Freeman as a comparable figure who seems to be well-loved, with little controversy, and I don’t think an exhibit on Freeman’s life would be seen as romantic. I said I had tickets and asked if he’d like to go with me. I didn’t say it was a date. That’s why his reaction surprised me. We’ve watched movies together and planned to watch more, and he’s never indicated that historical figures were his idea of a date.
        The times I did meet with him last year, he seemed very interested in turning the conversation to dating and my thoughts on certain topics. Certainly talking to friends about dating is not abnormal, but would you be interested in the romantic life of someone you declined to date? The salary comments would come when I’d remind him that I wasn’t going out to a bunch of places due to budget reasons. He would literally say, “And I have a high-paying job…” or talk about his mortgage. He said that on each occasion that we met, and it rubbed me the wrong way because he never said anything like that in years past (he works at the same place).
        I tried to remain friendly with him throughout the year; inviting him to meet my friends and have dinner with them (he did that on one occasion before I moved to his city), giving him my thoughts on programs we both watched and just generally trying to act like a friend. And the majority of my messages were ignored.

        I sent him a message at the end of the year asking for his advice on dating in this country and got a prompt response, an invitation to meet to talk face-to-face when he was free, and a question about something that he’d been wanting to ask for a long time. The question was basically “I don’t get why you’d want to date someone, but not get married.” But, I never said that. This is still long, but I hope that clears things up some?

  14. Nervous Accountant*

    Re: panic attacks and other shit

    Long story–

    I came back from 75deg & sunny weather in cali to 0 temps and snowstorm in Jan. Got bronchitis. No pain, just an annoying cough. Dr gave me antibiotics I felt better after 1 day.

    Then Dad died and I had to fly to home country and forgot my meds, still sick w coughing and lost my voice. I took some homepathic medicine and was better. in fact, I felt 100% when I left there and came home (it was 50s/60s temps and sunny if that matters).

    Come home, and I started coughing again. Go back to pcp, he gives me the antibiotics again for the respiratory infection that never went away.

    Start getting side/rib/lung pain the next day. He said its just a muscle strain, normal, just take cough suppressant and give it 3 weeks.

    3 days later, I have a coughing fit and Im thinking I broke a rib bc I’m in extreme pain, and on my way to work I had a panic attack as well. Plus my dad had a silent heart attack so pain + can’t breathe + fear & grief = ER. Somehow I got myself there, got an EKG, X rays, all normal. Spend the day at home and then go back to work. self medicating with ibuprofin, naproxen tylenol and icy hot patches.

    I was never officially diagnosed w panic attacks but I recognized the symptoms online and whenever they happened (6 times since 2014), I just powered through them. Drink water, breathing, etc. they passed w no lasting effect. No medicine. I could have taken Xanax this time but didn’t.

    I can’t go to a psych before March (yay crappy work insurance) but…. I don’t know what to do anymore..

    I told my pcp about the ER visit, he said come back, I can’t afford to keep taking time off work and paying the copay and when I do c him he just rushes.

    I don’t know if I need to quit my job and go to a warmer climate or just power through for the next few months. I don’t know if this pain is normal.
    Right now, all I want is my peace of mind and my health back.

    Is this pain normal? It’s a muscle strain from coughing, if I had a muscle ache from too much exercise I’d just power through and it goes away. This, I feel like I have a wound or surgery and I’m scared to crack a rib or something.

    1. SC Anonibrarian*

      It’s too hard to tell, i’m sorry. You could have cracked a rib from coughing. You could have a muscle strain from coughing (or even something small and unrelated), or the pain could even be related to the panic attacks (i get nerve pain with my attacks that feel like those bad ‘charley horse’ muscle knots).
      What is most likely is a muscle strain or spasm. It can resolve on its own but if it’s a core support muscle or one that’s impacted by your coughing, then you might have to go to the doctor to get muscle relaxers to get it to relax enough to un-seize.
      But it might be something else and I just can’t tell.
      I’m sorry. Coughing sucks. Hurting sucks. Panic attacks suck. I wish you all health and good effective help to get there.

        1. Rainy*

          The x-rays don’t always catch cracked ribs, or even broken ribs that aren’t displaced. My bff and I both got pertussis one summer (thanks, anti-vaxxers!) and she broke 3 ribs coughing. When she got x-rays they looked fine, but she was having increasing pain and our doc scheduled her for a CT scan and sure enough, there they were. There’s not a lot to be done except try not to make it worse or displace the break–our doc recommended splinting the affected side with her arm before coughing, and we both got cough suppressants. (She got heavy-duty prescription DM, and I got codeine because I’m allergic to DM.)

        2. Caro in the UK*

          Could it be a trapped nerve? My friend experiences a similarly intense and sudden onset pain, but the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. It lasted for a few days, until she rolled over in bed and something popped and the pain disappeared instantly.

    2. fposte*

      This is all really distressing, but I think you may be underselling the role of grief in all of this–the panic attack (I realize you had them before, but the recurrence now is likely no coincidence), the low immune response, the feelings of fragility, the search for peace of mind. If your employer has an EAP or you have other coverage, I’d think about throwing a therapist in the mix there.

      Even if you had broken a rib, you’d still be pretty much powering through it. Take OTC pain meds and ice the area to make sure the pain doesn’t keep you from doing your regular breathing, which is an approach that works if it’s a strain, too; it usually takes about six weeks to heal.

      Sorry you’re having a rough time and I hope things calm down soon.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        So agree here.
        I was having small rushes of anxiety but told myself nasty things and pushed forward. Then my father died, enter full blown panic attacks. I’d totally lock up in stores. I learned to really fear driving.
        It was a bunch of things, the worst being my father passing and a crappy job. The next layer was bad diet, dehydration and 20-22 hour days. I had to fix the second layer because there was not enough of me left to go looking for a job. It felt like my leg was caught in a leg trap.

        So. I changed my diet, simple foods and lots of veggies. I started drinking stuff with electrolytes in it to get some minerals back so I could sleep. You have to have energy to sleep, I had no energy so I did not sleep.
        And I decided to learn about grief and all the symptoms of grief and what the process looks like. Perhaps you can find a grief group in your area, some are free but I am not sure if all of them are. The ones here are church based but if that does not appeal to you perhaps you will find something else. The grief group I went to was NOT horrid at all. I was scared to go the first time. Everyone was so kind that I did end up crying but it was because people were so gentle and thoughtful. It felt good. I couldn’t wait to go again.

        I have had good luck with vitamin D for coughing, it would also help bones in their healing process. You could try some arnica gel on your ribs, this might be good for times where you can’t go around smelling like a tube of menthol but you can’t ice your ribs either. I also like peppermint oil for pain, but that might not be the best idea for a workday.

        Of everything that I did, I got the biggest results when I gave up artificial sugars. The attacks dropped by 50% just with that one single change alone.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      In my case, I don’t seem to have a cracked rib either, but I have some bad muscle pain from when I was hit by a car 7 weeks ago. My back muscles are all healed, but I have one area– my side, around my ribs– that still isn’t completely better. Last night I twisted in an odd way and it hurt. I tell you that to assure you that certain muscles take a long time to heal, especially around the ribs. After all, we use them quite often to breathe! I could get myself into good positions to minimize strains on my back, but that side rib muscle just persists. Not bad enough for muscle relaxers, just bad enough to remind myself that I haven’t fully healed.

      But here’s the other thing: you’re in emotional pain, you’re grieving (and I am very sorry for your loss). Grief does things to the body too. Combine that with all of the travel you had to do, and your work stress… you are understandably vulnerable to physical stress and strain. And you’re not alone. A friend of mine lost his father over Christmas, flew overseas to bury him, came back with strep. His brother, who did the same trip, has a persistent viral illness that will not go away.

      I wish you could take more time off of work, but I get that’s not possible right now and I’m really sorry for that. In your downtime, please rest. I know it’s easy for me to say.

      Also, re: your doctor… you know you need to find another one if you feel like this one rushes. But in the meantime, if it gets really bad, go to urgent care. Much cheaper than urgent care, and you may get a more thorough result. I wish you luck and peace!

      1. fposte*

        I’ve got a post stuck in moderation, but I’m with ALB–grief is a huge thing for body and mind and you’re in the throes of it right now. It doesn’t mean the physical isn’t real, just that you’re fragile right now both in what will hurt your body and your resilience in responding to it.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        I think this may be it. He did call me today to check up on me so that was nice of him I guess. Consensus is that the pain will take at leasta few weeks so Ijust have to sit tight and wait.

    4. matcha123*

      I don’t know if this is helpful, but it could be that you’re feeling stress in your life and when you are elsewhere it dissipates. I’ve had a lot of similar coughing fits and my guess is that it’s a pulled muscle or strain from all the coughing. I definitely though I’d broken ribs during those times, but the pain cleared up with the coughing.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      Is it possible there is mold or some kind of allergen where you live now, and when you go away, you are no longer exposed to that allergen so you don’t have symptoms? When I lived in PA, I had chronic respiratory issues that lasted for months at a time. They were so bad that I had to buy a nebulizer and start doing breathing treatments at home. When I moved, they completely went away. I’ve had regular illnesses since I moved, but nothing like the problems I had in the other place. I am convinced that the mold in that house (no ventilation fan in the bathroom, so a lot of mold and mildew grew around the tub, plus the house had a damp dirt basement) was triggering my respiratory problems.

    6. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      It might be the muscles. If so, I’m so sorry but it’ll take a long time (at least a month) to feel better. When you cough, there are muscles involved in making it happen all around the ribs. It is possible to strain those muscles, and then they hurt like hell, all the time. Coughing a lot, for an extended time like it sounds like you’ve done, will do it. It’s not like pulling other muscles either, it’s way worse and feels much more dangerous. I had a panic attack too, it’s really that visceral and terrifying. I think it’s because it’s a threat to your breathing.

      I had this happen in 2013, had various viruses and asthma be inadequately treated and ended up in the ER thinking I’d broken a rib. Nope, pissed off muscles. It was bad. I tripped and fell in the ER (couldn’t actually recover balance due to the muscles), a nurse picked me up and helped me sit & cry for a while. (They knew exactly what had happened too – saw me trip, saw I couldn’t recover and just went over. The nurse who picked me up was trying to catch me before I went down and didn’t get there in time.)

      For me, once I stopped coughing, it was about a week to be able to move. In my case, I needed help bathing, dressing, etc for about 4-5 days (initially, I just stood/sat and my then BF bathed and dressed me), then I was just really slow and stiff. Probably about a month for most of the pain and stiffness to go away. But it was really about 3 months until I felt normal again. Proper torso support w/pillows, get a heating pad if you don’t have one, and take OTC pain meds (assuming you can).

      This is weird, but if it hurts to lay flat, try sleeping sitting up on the couch, leaning slightly forward and to the side on the back of the couch. Basically, drape yourself on the couch, let it fully support your torso. For me, that was the most comfortable position. Just make sure you’ve got enough blankets, you don’t want to chill any muscles.

      Hugs. Hang in there, you’ll through this. Get help if you can from friends/family so you can get past the worst of it.

    7. Windchime*

      I had something similar a couple of years ago and it ended up being bronchitis. Coughing was super painful, as was sneezing or any other kind of deep breath. It felt like a broken rib and was super sharp and painful. It also took many weeks to go away.

    8. Thursday Next*

      You’ve been having an extremely rough run. I’m sorry. FWIW, yes, coughing can cause extreme pain, an unfortunately the coughing can persist after the underlying condition has been treated. (Daughter and I both had pneumonia this fall.)

      But really I think your emotional well being has been thrown for a massive loop, and that can have all sorts of bodily effects. Grief has a long and wide reach, and IME it takes time for it to stop impacting the body so severely and frequently.

      Is there someone through an EAP or PCP that you can talk to about this? That is, not just the specifics of this particular physical effect, but the physical toll of your grief?

    9. TardyTardis*

      Could be pleurisy, when the lining of the lung is all inflamed and hurts like a booger–won’t show up on X-rays, either. I’ve found that lying on the side or strapping it up (Ace bandage, duct tape–no, not kidding–and various other methods help).

  15. Ruth (UK)*

    By the way, has anyone tried bubble tea? You know, the thing with the tapioca ‘pearls’ in it? I tried it recently while feeling a little suspicious about the idea of having solid tapioca balls in my drink, but it turned out it’s a) really tasty and b) way more refreshing than I had expected. There is also a really good variety of flavours (both of the drink, and of the ‘toppings’) in the place(s) in my city that sells it.

    I’m going to admit I’ve actually started having a bit of a craving for it (true story: I dreamed about bubble tea the other night!).

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I love bubble tea! We have a bubble tea club at work. $6 a month and one person goes and gets it for everyone who pays in. The avocado with lychee is my favourite!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        My favourite is green milk tea with red bean and pearls OR chocolate milk tea with coconut jelly and pearls, but so far I’ve liked all the flavours I’ve tried (about 5 different ones now). I’m generally quite an un-fussy eater though. In terms of taste/flavour, the only thing I don’t like is banana and it’s quite rare for me to have any strong dislike for anything unless it has banana in it. So I anticipate to like most/all of them, even if I don’t love them all.

        Avocado is an interesting one! That’s definitely not on the menu (unless I’ve missed it) at the places I’ve been. But lychee is.

    2. matcha123*

      I’ve been a bubble tea drinker since the late 90s. I love it. I was a bit suspicious of the tapioca bubbles the first time I had the drink. My “friend” didn’t tell me what they were and I’d never had milk tea before, so it was a somewhat scary experience.
      There are some Taiwanese chains that have locations overseas and you might find some local places that have their own unique blends. I recently tried a hot bubble tea/pearl milk tea that was quite nice. I usually drink them cold. Now you’ve got me wanting some!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        I’ve been having mine either cold or ‘warm’ (the place I’ve been going to will do a ‘warm’ one which is a little above room temperature but not hot). I like this because I prefer cold drinks generally, but as it’s February at the moment, it’s not so great to have really chilled drinks!

        Even in Starbucks etc, I’ve asked them to make me ‘room temperature’ lattes. Ie. a latte where they don’t steam the milk – so by the time the espresso shot was hot, and the milk was chilled, it ends up about room temperature. As someone who worked a few years full time in food service not too long ago, I don’t normally like to make my orders too ‘customised’ but this one doesn’t really add any complicated steps (in fact, it takes away the milk steaming step, or the ice-adding step), and if they made an error and served it either hot or iced, I’d just take it.

    3. Not That Anne, The Other Anne*

      I love bubble tea! A shop recently opened not far from me and it is very difficult not to go over there on a regular basis. I just do the usual plain bubbles, but the popping bubbles are fun too, if you can get those.

    6. Reba*

      I LOVE Bubble tea (although my fave is the grass jelly not the true bubbles). I almost always get taro, followed by jasmine milk tead. Even better, the most recent place I went offers different levels of sweetness! 50% of “normal”sugar level is about right for me :)

    7. Introverted introvert*

      I think it’s okay, but I don’t like the fact that you have to chew them. You can’t just drink it- I guess I just don’t like the fact that you have something smooth /liquid-y mixed with something solid/that you have to chew. I don’t know- I’m weird.

    8. Porygon-Z*

      I love bubble tea! I don’t know why I love having tapioca balls that don’t even taste like anything in my drink, but I really do. Milk and creamy things aren’t really my thing, but I put up with it for the sake of bubble tea. Then recently I learned that there is a variety that is fruit flavored and not creamy, and now I love the stuff even more.

    9. Elizabeth*

      I’ll be the contrarian. I really dislike it. It is a textural issue for me. My husband loves it.

      It is worth trying to find out if you like it. It isn’t usually to expensive.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        I do think it’s a bit of an odd texture, especially in a drink and even more especially when coming up a straw! I can see it being something people either love or hate. My mom won’t try it, but thinks she’ll hate it, and honestly, though I think it’s good to try things, I think she’s probably right. She dislikes a LOT of foods largely due to texture issues (including beans, peas, mushrooms and more)

    10. Casuan*

      Hate it.
      The liquid is yummy although I don’t like the pearls. I think it’s a texture thing; they’re too slimy.

    11. LilySparrow*

      I had a bad experience that put me off bubble tea. It was a relatively new thing in my town at the time, and I hadn’t heard of it, didn’t know what it was.

      I ordered tea with my meal, and apparently the server asked, “bubble?” I suppose I didn’t understand her. I have no memory of her asking, but my companion said she did. It probably didn’t register because it was a non-sequitur to me.

      In any event, I was surprised to get my tea in a tall glass with a straw, but shrugged and took a big sip…

      And got an unidentified lukewarm blob lodged in my windpipe.

      It was a very unpleasant introduction, and I haven’t had any desire to try it again.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Wow, that does sound awful! It makes a big difference for a taste or texture to be unexpected! There’s a story in my family that my grandpa always told about his dad (my great grandfather). Apparently when he was a young teenager, he had never before seen/had a tomato. He ended up buying a large red one thinking it was a lovely shiny red apple, and took a bite right into it.

        Imagine expecting the crisp texture and taste of an apple and getting the texture of a tomato (plus how acidic they are, if you are not familiar with them!). Apparently it put him off both apples AND tomatoes!

    12. Nye*

      Ooh, I lived near a terrific bubble tea place for a brief but glorious period. My go-to at a proper bubble tea joint is a roasted barley tea, no milk, half sugar, double boba. So good!

    13. Koala dreams*

      Yes, it’s great! Though it took me a long time to get used to the bubbles – I used to order bubble tea without bubbles! Last year I tried to make my own bubble tea with dried bubbles from the asian grocery store, it was quite fun but took longer than expected. Also, make sure to not buy too old dried bubbles!

    14. Emily*

      I love bubble tea, but only as an occasional special treat – I’m afraid it might lose some of its appeal if I have it all the time. My favorites are the various milk tea flavors (fruity ones are okay, but less my thing) with less sugar when that’s an option. I mostly just get the tapioca pearls, but people on this comment thread are making me feel like I should try the jellies more often!

    16. LAI*

      I don’t actually like the pearls, so I always get mine without. But I love the drinks! Hot almond milk tea in the winter when it’s cold and mango green tea in the summer for me. The places near me have a ton of other options for things you can add besides the pearls but I haven’t tried them.

    17. DDJ*

      Earl grey milk tea with mango boba. So they’re not tapioca pearls, they’re more like a gelatin ball filled with juice. It’s very cold now so I haven’t had one in a couple months, but this post is really making me crave one!

      I do like black tapioca pearls as well. But I’m not a big fan of any of the smoothie-style bubble teas.

  16. Lauren*

    So many people here seem to love The Good Place. I gave it try a while ago on the recommendation of a friend, but just…couldn’t get into it. Since reading so many good reviews here I thought maybe I just didn’t give it enough of a chance so I tried it again and…I still can’t get into it. The whole premise makes me cringe, I hate all the hand-waving whenever they need to explain away something, and even though the cast is good there’s just nothing that’s clicking.

    Sigh. Why can’t I get into shows that everyone else seem to be talking about?

    1. WellRed*

      I can’t seem to either. Parks & Rec, Brooklyn 999 and a whole host of others. I am actually looking forward to the Murphy Brown reboot.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yeah – my husband loves Good Place, Parks and Rec and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and all of them range between boring at best to actively annoying to me.

      2. London Bookworm*

        Parks & Rec, The Good Place and Brooklyn 99 (I’m fairly sure) are all from the same showrunner, so it makes sense that you might not like all three. His style maybe just wasn’t a fit for you.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yeah, I think it’s a very particular kind of humor and I can see how it wouldn’t resonate with some people! I ADORE all three of those shows, so, so, so much.

        2. Cristina in England*

          Yeah it’s Michael Schur. I once heard someone on a podcast say “the gentle humour of Michael Schur” which, as soon as I heard it, explained why I liked it.

          1. teclatrans*

            It’s funny, but I can’t stand the humor on Parks & Rec and Brooklyn 99, but I adore The Good Place. I can intellectually identify why people like the first two, but they just really turn me off.

            The funny thing about The Good Place is that the premise it puts forward (via Ted Danson’s exposition and Kristin Bell’s navigation of her situation) isn’t really the premise of the show. Each episode reveals a bit more, shakes up your assumptions and broadens your sense of the people. I think both TGP and Big Little Lies play with this narrative approach, of ‘telling’ you what people are like and setting you up to understand their relationships in one way, and then over the journey you learn about people as people, good with the bad but mostly good and trying to do right by each other.

    2. Claire (Scotland)*

      I love that show (it’s the first show I’ve gotten into in a couple of years!) but I’ve bounced off SO MANY other shows that everyone else seems to love. I’ve never figured out what makes the difference but I do find it frustrating.

      1. Rainy*

        I’m like that with tv shows–I do actually really like tv, but a lot of the shows it seems like I should like, I end up either not liking them at all or only liking them for a season or two. For example, I really wanted to like Grace and Frankie and I loved the first season and some of the second, but I just am not interested anymore. :/ I have no idea why. It’s frustrating because I love the cast, and the first season was so good, and now I just can’t make myself care.

        1. OperaArt*

          Same here. I watched one and a half seasons of Grace snd Frankie, and then just stopped. Not sure why. I liked the acting.

    3. fposte*

      Well, nothing is universally liked, and probably there’s stuff you like that other people aren’t into. What do you like?

      I just fell in love with the British show Derry Girls, which is currently findable on YouTube. It’s a comedy about teenaged Catholic girls in Derry in the early 1990s amid the Troubles, which mostly just float in the background but still matter. If you liked Raised by Wolves, definitely worth a watch.

      1. Isobel*

        Derry Girls is great! I was a teenager in the 1990s so the music and fashion are a fab nostalgia trip, but it’s also a bit of a reminder of how little we knew about what was going on over in Northern Ireland.

    4. neverjaunty*

      I hear you. So many shows where I’ll watch it because a friend loved it and am all, “HOW has this crap been on the air for multiple seasons?”

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Confession time: I didn’t like Game of Thrones.

      I tried for three seasons, because I do love fantasy, but it was too much work for me to keep the characters straight.

      1. Tris Prior*

        I agree – and I hear it gets WAY too violent for my taste. I’m probably the only person I know who doesn’t watch it. Oh well.

        1. LilySparrow*

          I never even tried it. The very first thing I heard about it was how rapey it was. Hard no from me. There’s some stuff I just know I can’t get past.

      4. Emily*

        Game of Thrones is a weird one for me. I watched the first few episodes with friends and hated it (it made me so uncomfortable and unhappy), eventually got into it, and then quit a couple of seasons later when I realized that I was no longer enjoying or looking forward to watching it. I understand why people like it, but the sex/rape/torture (especially when they’re combined) was too much for me.

        More recently I saw an episode from a later season and it was pretty meh, so I don’t really feel like I’m missing out.

        (I have read the books, and while I liked them better than the show, I dread the day when George R.R. Martin actually publishes another one and I have to reread the previous five in order to remember what’s going on. That sounds like a lot of effort for a series I’ve cooled on. Maybe I’ll do it if Sansa features prominently – she’s one of my favorites.)

    6. Lily Evans*

      Everyone has their own taste. I’m super into TV as well, but there’s plenty of super popular shows I couldn’t get into or just didn’t like that people are obsessed with, like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Sometimes popular things just aren’t your specific type of thing.

    7. Introverted introvert*

      I think I watched the first 10 minutes of The Good Place and just couldn’t get into it either. I tried. I’ve been watching Mad Men on Netflix and while the first few seasons were good, it got sillier as the season went on. I managed to finish the series, but was a little disappointed. I’m thinking of trying to watch “Walking Dead”, but I’m not big on the whole zombie thing, so I don’t know.

    8. Forking Great Username*

      Eh, I think everyone has some popular shows they can’t get into. I can’t stand gore so I can’t handle Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, American Horror Story, etc. I do wonder if you would feel differently about the hand-waving to explain things away in The Good Place once you get to the big twist in the season 1 finale.

    9. Oxford Coma*

      I don’t get into that sort of thing either. I am a dark cynic who cannot tolerate sitcom-style “golly gee shucks” humor. I like black comedy like It’s Always Sunny.

    10. BPT*

      You might still not like it, but it went from a “show that’s entertaining enough for me to catch up on every few weeks” to “OMG it’s brilliant” once it reached the Season 1 finale. If you get to the finale, you’ll understand a lot of the hand-waving problems away. It’s a twist that was totally worth it to me.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yes. I think The Good Place is a brilliant show masquerading as kind of a dumb show until the end of Season 1. Totally changed what I thought about it!

    11. NaoNao*

      Same here! I watched one episode and it was funny, cute, and clever, but it was also frenetic, in your face, and loud, physically and psychologically.
      List of shows I am not into that everyone else in the entire world seems to be:
      True Detective
      Sopranos
      Game of Thrones
      Crazy Ex GF (although the first few episodes were entertaining and fun, just didn’t grab me)
      Good Place
      Community
      Parks and Rec
      Futurama
      Big Bang Theory
      CougarTown
      This is Us
      SNL (find most skits very dull and draggy)
      Louis (of Louis CK) too mean spirited and bleak
      Billions (not sure if anyone was into it, but it had a bit of a buzz when it came out)
      Rome
      Once upon a time (or is it just Once)
      Royals (started off great, production quality dropped by like 90% on episode 2, not sure how that happened, and it was a real shame)
      Man in the High Castle (same! all their money was spent on episode one!)
      Twin Peaks I, II, Fire Walk with me, etc
      Bones
      The Good Doctor or any other show about a neuroatypical “hero”/antihero
      Fleabag (this show was SUPER off putting to me)
      You’re the Worst
      Casual
      Bachelor/ette

      I seem to have a radar for shows that no one else likes or else are very niche like UnReal, High Maintenance (which I started watching as a web series) “An African City” (vimeo series and it’s GREAT. It’s an African Sex and the City.) and I like finding cool, different, weird stuff.

  17. Red Reader*

    I started a crafting challenge yesterday- to do a craft project (in my case, a knitted sweater) between the opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics, 6am my time yesterday to 6am my time on the 25th. So far I have about 5” of sweater body knitted, and nothing else to do this weekend other than 5 hours of working tomorrow. Today’s plan is to knit til my fingers fall off, while watching cheesy true crime shows on Netflix. (Forensic Files, I am looking at you.)

    Challenge is complicated by the fact that I’m leaving for Disneyworld on the 21st and jog-walking the Princess half-marathon on the 25th. Wish me luck! :)

    2. Rainy*

      Aw yeah, Forensic Files. I highly recommend Caught on Camera, also on Netflix–it’s British, and shows crimes caught on CCTV and how the police use the footage to find the perpetrators of assaults, thefts, etc. If that seems like your kind of thing, there are 3 seasons up and it was great for bingeing, for me anyway. :)

    3. King Friday XIII*

      Good luck with the challenge! Is it the not!Ravelympics or something else, if you don’t mind me asking?

      1. Red Reader*

        It’s not – I’ve done the Yarn Harlot’s Knitting Olympics twice in the past, and this year just decided to do one myself with any family and friends who wanted to join in :) I’m knitting, my mom is doing a quilt and my sister is painting a Labyrinth (movie) themed tryptich, I think.

  18. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    I’m so friggin sick of migraines. Fought one off yesterday. Can feel another one brewing. I’ve taken my medicine and doing everything I can to get rid of it. It’s my best friend’s birthday shenanigans tonight…and I’m the only one who can make it. I feel bad enough that I won’t be able to finish her birthday gift (I have a “faux” gift so she at least has SOMETHING to open), I cannot call this off.

    1. nep*

      I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that. Migraines — well there really aren’t adequate words for how awful they are. Hope it eases up.

    2. Canadian Natasha*

      Sympathies from a fellow migraine endurer who is also tired of those stupid headaches with extras. They SUCK. I hope it resolves quickly so you can enjoy your time with your friend.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry! I had one myself this week, plus the next day leftover headache, so I can sympathize. I didn’t leave the house for 2 days, which was a relief. I hope you feel better soon.

    4. LPUK*

      I know how you feel – I have had one that comes and goes since last Friday, and it’s really screwed up my sleeping patterns as I doze during the day while my medication kicks in, and then I can’t sleep until early am, then sleep in and then get another migraine ( because fatigue is one of my triggers). As I am self- employed and quiet at the moment, it hasn’t affected work, but has affected all my new year promises to myself ( networking, LinkedIn articles, house clearing and decluttering and gym) so i’m Disgusted with myself as well as exhausted and in Pain! Plus the weather is. crappy in my part of UK, so i’ve hardly been over the threshold

    5. Elf*

      I really feel you – I had the worst issue first trimester where even if the migraine medicine worked, I’d be incapacitated with morning sickness all day (like, ok if I’m flat on my back, but feel awful if I try to sit up and puke if I stand to walk to the bathroom). I’m back to being functional post meds if they work, but I just really don’t want to deal with this shit anymore. Hope you feel better.

    6. Erika22*

      I sympathize completely. I had a terrible migraine most of the day yesterday, complete with getting off the underground to puke in a station toilet before getting back on the train (highlight of my day) and being juuust okay enough after that to make it to a birthday dinner for my friend. Just know you’re an excellent friend, and you can go home afterwards and pass out till tomorrow!

  19. The Career Files*

    Hi everyone. Longtime reader here. I recently started my own blog and would love to get feedback (and if you’re so inclined, submissions). I’m planning to provide a day-in-the-life look at a bunch of different jobs across industries, income levels, and experience levels. Link is in my name if you care to take a look!

    2. Kaz*

      This is a cool idea, I would do this because I’m constantly trying to get people into my field (clinical research) and no one knows it exists.

      I am not sure that having the whole form be filled out right at once is a good idea though.. I want to help but looking at that form is kind of exhausting. I’m working on it but honestly not sure I will fill out the whole thing and then I might forget about it. I think you would get much better response rates with less work required from each person. My days are also extremely variable so I don’t know that that’s all that helpful.

    5. Ree*

      Love this!
      I think the only other thing that could add to it is to have a comment section for people to ask additional questions of the person who submitted their day in the life.
      Like, I want to know if the associate lawyer is on a partner track and how long that takes? And what is the potential salary from that? I guess.. what are long term career track or plans for the writer?

      But I LOVE IT! Already subscribed!

    7. SC Anonibrarian*

      Same feedback on the form. I’m working on it cause this is a great idea, but it’ll take a while. Maybe a short ‘intake’ form and then get more details in an email or a later form?

  20. Teapots for Llamas*

    My husband told me on Wednesday that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore, completely blindsided me. We just bought a house together eight months ago, and celebrated out eight anniversary two weeks ago. I’m in such shock, and I’m not ready to talk about it with everyone yet. I hoped that we could at least talk about how to do this amicably before filing anything, but he hired a lawyer yesterday. I’m reeling. I have no idea what happened.

    1. Liz*

      I’m so sorry, that’s terrible!

      I’d recommend you go ahead and get a lawyer of your own now, and also make an appointment with a therapist if you don’t have one – particularly since you’re not ready to talk to everyone yet.

      1. Teapots for Llamas*

        Thank you, I do have a great therapist, thankfully. In an exquisite piece of bad timing, I was supposed to see her the day he told me, but there was a snow storm, and her office was closed. I’m seeing her on Wednesday now.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, TFL, I’m so sorry. That’s like stepping off a cliff. Take care of yourself. I get that you might not be ready to talk IRL, but don’t let that keep you from getting support when you need it.

      And also, get your own lawyer ASAP.

    3. Ruth (UK)*

      I don’t have any advice, but I’m thinking of you and I hope you come out of this as well and as ok as is possible xx

    5. Rainy*

      Oh no. I’m so sorry, that is rough.

      But yeah, get a lawyer now. Find a good one. And definitely therapy–you are going to need someone to talk to about this.

    6. Bird*

      That is very hard, and I’m sorry that you’re having to go through it. It sounds like everything is happening very quickly, which leaves you no time to process any of it. I hope you feel able to reach out to a trusted friend or family member, or even a counselor, soon; perhaps having someone explicitly in your corner will help.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m so, so sorry! And yes, you need a lawyer now. Which means you’re probably going to have to tell some people so you can get recommendations. You need someone who can be cool and objective and look out for what’s best for you while you take care of your broken heart.

    9. Emmie*

      My heart goes out to you. It sounds so cruel and shocking. FWIW, tell people when you’re ready. And couples go through things all the time.

    10. King Friday XIII*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and that he’s chosen to do it this way. I agree with the folks above that you should get a lawyer too since he’s apparently been putting pieces into motion fast, and you want someone who can give you solid, unemotional instructions.

    12. Peanut*

      I’m sorry. Almost the same thing happened to me about 8 years ago – we were married a few months longer than you, had bought a house a few months more recently than you, and I had no idea he was even unhappy until he said he wanted a divorce – and please trust me that it WILL get better with time. But it does take time.

      The one practical bit of advice I can offer is to bring a good friend (ideally one that is your friend, not a friend of you and your husband as a couple) to any lawyer meetings. I thought I was handling everything fine, thought I was making the best decisions for myself, and would have laughed at anyone telling me to bring a friend, but truthfully, it is such an emotional time that you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself, and you need a friend to concentrate on following the legal stuff to make sure you are taken care of legally. I got kind of screwed legally, but by the time I realized it, it was too late to change anything and I was so heartsick that I just wanted the whole process to be over with.

      1. Teapots for Llamas*

        Thanks, that is good advice. I’m still so shocked, I can’t take anything in. Having another set of ears sounds like a very smart idea.

        2. Good luck*

          When a divorce seems to come out of nowhere and then starts to happen fast, the person filing has usually spent a lot of time thinking about it, decided he/she wasn’t interested in salvaging it, and put on a neutral face while they lined up their financial/social resources and came up with a plan. You’re behind the game (understandably), and not in a place to make pragmatic decisions (also understandably).

          You need a good lawyer who’s prepared to handle your particular situation. Get recommendations from anyone who’s had a “good” divorce, from the bar association, etc. Get in for two or three consultations. Find someone you feel comfortable with, but also someone good. And someone experienced with yours issues – family business, military, retirement assets, custody, international, etc. Feel free to ask them, “if it was your divorce, who you would ask to represent you.” If they say themselves, they’re not being honest with you. Clear your schedule to handle this – it needs to be priority one.

          While you lock down a lawyer, do not make any decisions that might disadvantage you. Don’t move out. Don’t put money into shared accounts. Don’t pay bills in his name. Don’t badmouth him around town. Don’t give him access to your social media. Take notes about anything relevant.

          Find someone to advocate for you. Not just to take to meetings with your lawyer, but to be a witness when needed (if he’s taking things out of the house, or demands you give him payment for something, for example). A family member might not be ideal. You’ll want someone you trust, but also someone who can be objective and talk you down from anything crazy or ill advised – not to go over the cliff with you.

          If you have kids, line up emergency childcare. If you have significant assets, line up your own accountant. If you need any type of special advisor for a business, or other special needs, find one.

          Once you’ve spent a week or two putting together a team to help you, let them help you. Don’t throw out good advice because you’re hurt or angry or upset. Step back, and focus on self care. Put your daily routine back in order. See your therapist. See your doctor. Talk to your friends. Do not let your life be all about your divorce for the next year. Let it be about putting yourself back into a strong place.

          – Signed, a divorced divorce lawyer who’s seen it from both sides.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Not a long comment yet super informative. Nice job on that.
            See, OP? Already you are not alone. You have back up coming in for all over.

      2. On Fire*

        +1. My ex-SIL did basically this same thing to BIL, and she made out like a bandit because he was too shocked to realize what was going on. They also didn’t use lawyers, so he didn’t have *anyone* looking out for his interests, whereas she had been planning for a while. Get a lawyer ASAP, and have someone you trust to have your interests at heart to help you. Sympathies and hugs.

    13. Turtlewings*

      Oh man, that’s awful. I understand why the lawyer thing stings but just because there’s lawyers involved doesn’t mean things have to be non-amicable. I’ve even heard some people say bringing in lawyers enabled them to keep things MORE amicable, because the lawyers could do the dirty work without the spouses having to argue about things in person. Plus a lawyer is just a good idea when you’re doing a legal thing, so he may not have meant it as the rude gesture it feels like.

      I’m so sorry you have to deal with this out of nowhere. Best of luck with it.

    15. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry, I hope that you have a good support system that can be Team You during this difficult time.

    16. Fiennes*

      Oh, my god, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. As Captain Awkward says, time to assemble Team You to help during this wretched time. Wishing you strength.

    17. Ktelzbeth*

      When I needed one, my therapist had good divorce lawyer suggestions. It seemed odd, but I suppose that she probably sees a lot of people who need one.

      I am so sorry. Hugs (or whatever you prefer).

  21. dr_silverware*

    Trying to get into exercising regularly. I have a hard time forming an exercise habit partly because I tend to get discouraged, partly because I find it so boring; the things I find less boring, like team sports, I find even more discouraging! It’s really hard to manage making myself do something physically difficult, breaking my routines by showering at weird times of the day, and keeping my hopes up about how well I’ll be able to do while also trying not to be desperately bored or to fall into the trap of caring about weight loss.

    Now that I’ve vented, does anyone have any advice about a) non-boring things to do for exercise or b) techniques to push through the really early days of getting fit?

    1. Nicole*

      The only thing that helped me was watching TV or YouTube videos while working out on my elliptical machine. Music wasn’t good enough to overcome the boredom.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This also worked for me. Specifically, however, i made “appointment tv gym time” – I would go work out while Maury was on because wanting to know WHO IS THE FATHER? kept me from getting off the machine during the commercials :)

        After about a month it was just second nature to go to the gym if Maury was on or not, but most of the time it was :)

        Is there another show you would like to watch that would hold your attention?

        1. dr_silverware*

          You and Nicole are totally right–a friend also has stuff he’ll only watch/listen to at the gym, which might be more of a draw.

    2. fposte*

      I am pretty easily bored by exercise too; I’ve learned that I’m never going to go past 20 minutes on the elliptical because I just can’t cope with the tedium another minute, even though I really enjoy the elliptical.

      What helps me is TV when possible and also quantifying improvements–my body freaks out with sudden changes anyway, so it makes sense for me to start small and go up a rep/pound/minute each time. (If you’re at all spreadsheet-geeky, make a spreadsheet; feel free to graph the progress bar for encouragement.) I find it really bolstering to realize I’m doing twice what I could do a couple of weeks ago. I would also say don’t do the same thing every day, and maybe have a minimal go-to for the days when you just can’t (going for a walk is a good off-day activity anyway).

      And sometimes routines just stop working for you, and that’s okay. My magic routine for ten years ago isn’t the same as the one for five years ago which is different from this year.

      1. dr_silverware*

        Yeah…I think especially the reminder that routines will change is really helpful. I’ve been running and noting when on my calendar for just a couple weeks now, which is helpful, but it also fills me with a very strange existential dread. Like, I have to do this forever???

        Which is probably a sign I should do something I find more enjoyable…or at least track it in a different way. :P

    3. Snark*

      I tried so, so hard to get into exercizing regularly on our treadmill, but I just couldn’t get there. I’ve gotten a bit of dad bod going lately, and I’d really like to work out more, but hiking and trail running is really all that works for me. Thankfully, I live literally at the foot of a mountain range, so it’s actually practical for me to do it – I just had to invest in some waterproof running shoes, fleece pants, and layers to be reasonably comfortable exerting myself when it’s 35 degrees and the sun is setting at 6000 feet.

      1. dr_silverware*

        That sounds like a pretty wonderful way to work out & also to get to know your home in all seasons. I just went on a walk/run around a nearby reservoir and splashing through the mud was surprisingly pleasurable.

        1. Snark*

          The thing that works for me is that it feels like leisure. I hike for fun. I don’t hike to lose weight or meet some arbitrary challenge. I hike because the sensation of moving fast and free over terrain is pleasurable and peaceful, and because I love being surrounded by mountains and deserts and canyons.

      2. paul*

        How do you handle kids in crappy weather? Mine refuse to wear headgear or gloves–even when it’s single digits. So they can’t handle any sort of real time outside. Makes winter a bear for hiking. I’m OK going slow and covering less ground, but I get worried about them getting frostbite :/

        And in summer they never seem to want to drink water on hikes, even when its’ 95+

        1. Jules the First*

          My dad’s solution was very simple: if you didn’t wear appropriate gear, you couldn’t come (which worked because mom was usually staying home and had something scintillating like cleaning planned).

          For drinking water on summer hikes, he also had rules – everyone had a water break together at regular intervals – but what helped most was that everyone carried their own water and we soon worked out it was easier carried internally. The other one that worked was that juice boxes were available at the turn-around point of the hike, but only to those who had reached the halfway point on their water. (Ditto trail mix and lunch…)

          Of course, this is the same man whose wilderness survival motto was “be stupid and die” (the idea being, I suppose, that it’s the stupid mistakes that put your life at risk) so we learned early on about the risks of dehydration, hypothermia, frostbite, and other wilderness hazards…his authority was probably also enhanced by the fact that we were usually hiking in places where there was wildlife that could kill you, so ymmv.

          (With my Rebel kid sister, he took the nuclear option on one memorable skiing trip and went so far as to explain that she had to listen when Daddy told her not to do something because Daddy really didn’t want to have to go home to Mummy and explain that Sister was hurt/sick/dead/missing, because Mummy would be really upset…and that seemed to do the trick).

      3. Snark*

        Just went out on a little slippy-trippy run, just me, the mountains, and four inches of fluffy snow on the ground, with more pouring down. Utterly delightful, despite bicycle-kicking a rock a mile or so in. It’s snowing to beat the band and it’s gorgeous and dead silent.

      4. Ktelzbeth*

        So jealous. I have no convenient mountain range and asthma that won’t let me run under 40F, which is a huge chunk of the winter in the upper midwest. I’m just waiting to at least be able to get back to my 30 minute away river bluff state park.

        For advice on what to do to stay in a routine, I sign up for Masters’ swimming every session and trail run with a group (weather permitting). Then the coach (swimming only) and the other people ask where I was when I don’t show up. Masters’ swimming refers to people who are older than college athletes, not skill level. We have people start every so often who can barely make one lap without stopping at the beginning of the session.

    4. matcha123*

      I used to play a variety of sports when I was younger, and I love moving my body and exercise. But. I had “boring” exercise, so I totally feel you. I am not a gym person, but I have decided to try and go a few times a month.
      For non-boring stuff, I say YouTube. There are a lot of people who’ve put out interesting videos in everything from zumba to yoga. If you have a Chromecast or similar device that lets you stream to your TV, it’s a lot easier to watch videos and do your thing in the living room.
      To push through? I do what I did for my kindergarteners when I worked as a teacher and use stickers. I give myself a sticker for each day I exercise. I tell myself it has to be at least 30 minutes of “real” exercise. For me, that means doing the elliptical at the gym or doing a series of YouTube videos…or doing 30 minutes of stretching.
      When I do go to the gym, I always bring my mp3 player or cell phone. I use Google Play Music to listen to stuff and kind of day dream and concentrate on counting.

      Even when I played sports as a kid, I hated going to class, but I loved the classes. It’s the same today. The push to get to the place or change into gym clothes is the hardest part for me. But once I’m at the gym or in my exercise clothes at home, I find that I am in the mood to move.

        1. fposte*

          I would never work out if it depended on my going to a gym. It’s like all the downside of exercise, plus leaving the house to be with strangers in ugly surroundings with annoying music! I can intellectually understand how it could work for somebody to have a special location and get into a groove, but it ain’t happening for me.

          1. Snark*

            Yep. Unfortunately, I’m really in need of upper body exercize, and I’m at a loss for how to do that outside a gym.

            1. fposte*

              It probably depends on how intense you want to get and what the specifics are, but if you have a look at You Are Your Own Gym (and its app, Bodyweight Training); it’s got a ton of bodyweight exercises you can do at home, including upper body stuff, and good old exrx dot net is worth trawling through as well for suggestions. I splurged on the Bowflex adjustable dumbbells for my weight stuff and I really like them (though that’s mostly for lower body at the moment), and they go up to 50 lbs a piece so they should get you a fair ways. A home power tower is also comparatively cheap (there are serviceable ones on Amazon for about the $100 mark).

              Admittedly, it might be easier just to give up and go to the gym :-). But there are other ways.

              1. Snark*

                That’d probably be great, thanks for the recommendation. I’ve also considered installing a fingerboard, which is kind of a cross between a climbing wall hold and a pull-up bar, in the garage. My wife has issues a firm ruling against turning the west wall of the house into a bouldering wall. :(

                1. Jules the First*

                  What about a treadwall or the freedom climber? My gym has a freedom climber which is awesome because you can safely climb solo without a harness and it only needs about six feet square.

        2. matcha123*

          I agree with you on that. I’m tying to motivate myself to go today. Unfortunately, I don’t always want to do push-ups, so, gotta get out there.
          Going to zumba or some kind of class would be great, but the process at my closest gym is too complicated (gotta get there 90 minutes prior to the class to get a ticket) and yeah.

      2. dr_silverware*

        Ugh, yeah, the activation energy required to leave the house and do something feels SO HIGH. And I always remember the times I didn’t pass some arbitrary standard I set myself, instead of the times I did fine and felt good.

        2. Ktelzbeth*

          I overcome the activation energy by usually going to the gym directly from work. It’s easier to leave the office than my recliner. Summer is easier, because a bike ride or a trail run is fun. Lap swimming is about the same at any season, but treadmills and stationary bikes are only tolerable with movies to watch.

    6. Ruth (UK)*

      Not all of these will work for you, depending on various circumstances but here are some things I do that make me more active:
      1. I commute by cycling (or walking, if it’s close enough). Part of this is that I simply don’t own a car, but I cycle as opposed to taking the bus. I realise this is only possible if you can ride a bike and the commutes aren’t too lengthy.

      2. I go for a walk on my lunch break at work. I get 45 mins which is long enough for me to spend half an hour walking, and then 15 minutes eating (I always eat in the last part, not the first part, because sometimes I run a bit).

      3. Have you tried an active activity / hobby other than sport / straight up exercise, that is still physical? In my case, I do a lot of folk dance, and I also am an allotment gardener. Both of these are physical activity, and things I find fun/interesting, but are not sport, or competitive (some types of dance are but mine isn’t), and is not just exercise for the hell of it. Alternatively, you may instead enjoy an exercise class (with music etc. Like Zumba. I am not a fan of it but I see the appeal).

      4. If you want to do something like running, I recommend finding a group or something similar. I like to go to parkrun, which is a free timed 5k every Saturday. There happen to be 3 different ones, all within a reasonable cycle commute of me (the closest of them being 3.5 miles away, the furthest being 5). I like running in a group and then meeting people and being social afterwards. At parkrun, people do the 5k in anything from sub-18mins to close to an hour (ie. walking).

      5. Rather than team-sports, you might also enjoy something like squash, badminton, or tennis. You can play casually/non-competitively, it’s still got the social aspect you might like from team sports, but if you’re having a bad day or not playing well for some reason, you don’t need to worry that you’re letting people (ie. your team) down.

      6. Depending on where you live and what’s available you in your area, and what you can afford, you may also be able to find another fun activity, like maybe skating / roller blading, or rock climbing (a huge bouldering wall opened the other year near me). You might be able to find some friends interested in trying it with you, or go alone to a beginner session of something.

      That’s all I can think of right now, but I hope some of these are helpful or give you an idea. Good luck!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Oh, one more! This works for me but not for everyone:

        7. I find having a specific goal/event to work towards makes me feel motivated to do exercise that I’d otherwise find boring. For example, I don’t have a great deal of motivation to do long runs (anything more than 30 minutes) on my own BUT if I’m training for a specific event, then I do. So, at the moment I’ve signed up to a half marathon in April, so when I run I think about it being in training for that, and I find it much easier to motivate myself and not get bored on the run. But when I have no specific event ahead of me that I’m training for, I’ll feel bored and give up around 20 minutes in, at best. I would not suggest a half marathon as your first event (unless you’re already very fit), but maybe signing up for a 5k or even 10k at some time not too close, but in the foreseeable future, would make you feel motivated (that is, if running is a thing you might wanna do).

        1. dr_silverware*

          Those are all really good suggestions, in particular actually having goals & incorporating activity into other parts of my life & hobbies. I figure I can do a couch-to-5k kind of thing at first–which is actually one of the reasons I wrote in, because I just recently pushed myself to run too hard on some of the intervals, got hit with some shin splints, and got discouraged when I realized I just can’t run that fast yet! But I think you’re totally right that some kind of goal is important. Thank you :)

          1. Ruth (UK)*

            Yes, I’ve heard good things about couch to 5k. I’ve not done it myself (because I did other types of exercise frequently prior to starting running, it turned out I could already run a non-stop (but not very fast) 5k when I took up running, so it wasn’t an ideal one for me). However, I did read through the steps of it and it looks good, and I know other people who speak well of it.

            I do think one of the worst things that can happen in the early stages of a new exercise regime is pushing too hard and then being put off. If you’re unsure about the pace you can progress at, I actually think it’s better to ‘play safe’ and progress slower than you think rather than push too hard too soon. Once your body is more used to exercising in general, your recovery times will start to get faster, and you’ll have more room to ‘risk’ pushing a bit harder or going a bit longer. You will unconsciously begin to get a feel for what your body is capable of and learn to pace yourself properly. But at the start, I think it’s better to ease into it not too dramatically.

          2. LilySparrow*

            There’s a free c25k app by zenlabs that’s quite straightforward & easy to use. It’s just a voice in your ear that says *Bing* “start your warmup now…*Bing* start jogging…*Bing* start walking…”

            You can play your own music at the same time. I love it because I can let my mind wander, clear my head.

            It takes me more than 8 weeks to do the progression, though, because my joints take longer to acclimate. My cardiovascular fitness adapts much quicker than my knees/hips can.

    7. MMM*

      Personally I love group fitness classes, so if that’s something you may be interested in I’d recommend a gym that offers a wide variety. That way you could sample one of a variety of options and see if there are any you like enough to work into a more regular schedule.

      In terms of making it a feel like a habit, I “schedule” my gym time for myself. I essentially treat it as an appointment and having that mentality helps keep me going. Knowing that I have gym time “booked” into my day or week just makes it seem more regular, without being overly forced. Now that my gym routine is so set, I have almost the opposite problem of you–if something comes up and I have to change my gym/shower time, I’m frustrated. I realize that doesn’t help you get past those early days, but just an anecdote to say that once you get past the initial struggle of making it a habit, you may be surprised to find how much you like your gym routine!

      1. Betsy*

        Yes, group fitness is the only thing that works for me at the moment (although I haven’t been doing it recently). I like the variety, because if I’m bored with one class, I can just swap it out for another, and if I try something and hate it, I just make a note never to attend that particular class again. Group fitness at gyms also has music, which is a plus for me, as it makes it all feel a lot less serious.

        I really feel you on this OP. I do need to get back into exercise for a number of reasons.

    8. Triplestep*

      I have started to do something radical. I know I will not exercise at the end of a work day, and I get to work by 7am. Monday through Wednesday I get up at 4am and go to the gym before work. On Thursday night I have a standing appointment with a trainer that keeps me accountable for after-work exercise, so I get up my normal time. On Friday, I do nothing for exercise. Saturday I may or may not fit in gym time, but Sunday I do.

      This schedule insures the following:
      1. I exercise five to six days a week
      2. I only have to get up earlier than the crack of dawn three of those days.
      3. I only have to prepare to go to the gym before work three evenings a week, and one of them is Sunday (not a work day) so I can do it any time over the weekend.
      4. By the time I think I can’t stand this schedule anymore, it is Thursday and I’m getting a break.
      5. Once it’s time to re-start the schedule, I have had four days off of the regimented, really early gym time, and a weekend to recuperate, so I’m ready to go again.

      It took me a while to come up with this, but I just finished week five, and I feel like it’s manageable. It started to get easier after the second cycle. I gave myself a break gym-wise the first two weeks. At that point it was about figuring out what to take to the gym, how to pack it all, managing the locker room in the least amount of time, etc.

      Oh, and I have a Planet Fitness membership, so this all takes place at three different gyms plus my trainer’s studio. (One PF is near my home, and two near my work for M – W). Exercising in different places might make things more interesting for you.

        1. Triplestep*

          Thanks! Honestly, item 4 is really the thing that makes this whole arrangement work. By the time I’m thinking “I can’t keep this up” … I don’t have to!

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      I take the bus to and from work. On the way back from work, I don’t take the bus directly from work but walk about a half hour on the bus route and then get the bus later. That’s the only way I’ve been able to consistently work exercise into my daily/weekly routine.

    10. Molly*

      I’ve just gotten into the Fit Woman app and love it! There are three difficulties and then you can choose from an array of pre-made workouts with focus on this or that (only complain is the titles because how am I supposed to know what a ’Snow White workout’ does before clicking on it??)
      You can also create your own workout.
      And there’s video with voice-over like if it was a youtube video. And a count-down. And it tells you how many calories you’ve burned.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      What helped me stay in the habit is going to a trainer once a week because I need accountability. It’s so, so hard to slog through the early days but knowing I would see the trainer once a week kept me on track. If I wasn’t exercising on my own in between the trainer knew by how well I did when I saw him. Plus if I didn’t I do some on my own I was wasting my money.

      When I use the treadmill I use that time to read a book on my phone. I play my playlist when I’m doing other things.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Forgot to say that using the gym at work has really helped me stay with it. I eat at my desk and use the hour I would have used for lunch and go in the gym instead. I go in at 4pm and finish up a little before 5pm, then just go home.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Boredom. I have often thought that exercise is not just for muscles it also for mental discipline. It’s keeping our minds in a place where we stay at it.

      One thing that has impressed the heck out of me is that any discipline we decide to develop will help us in some way. Probably the most noticeable is in times of crisis. We don’t get to chose when crisis happens we just find ourselves in crisis. Surviving a crisis requires presence of mind to think quickly and effectively. The times we have made ourselves stick with something are learning experiences we can draw on to pull ourselves through the crap in life.
      It’s not what we do when things are going well, anyone can handle that. It’s what we do when things are going poorly that cause us to grow. We can look at exercise, work or any boring thing through the lens of “Which tool will I use today to pull myself through this?”
      Don’t ever forget bribery. Do your exercises then do something you really like. The exercises become just a thing you gotta do before you get to Likable Thing.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        There is so much truth to exercising in order to have a chocolate/glass of wine/ extra piece of pizza. I need to exercise so I can keep up with my young kids, but my real motivation is to combat metabolism slowdown. Which, okay, the best way is portion control but keeping a good exercise habit does keep the metabolism going too.

        I’ve decided a middle ground is what works for me. I run on the treadmill and watch shows. I only make myself do it 3x a week, any extra is a bonus in my head. If I really feel crummy, I walk with a high incline rather than jog. If I can keep my goal of being able to jog a 5k, I count it as doing well. I do have a vague goal of getting down to my personal best pace, but I’m settling for maintaining for now.

    13. Incantanto*

      Dance.

      I’m vurrently doing blues, salsa and whatever social folk I can get in. Folk is the highest energy bit harder to find clubs in my area. Salsa is bouncy, and there are tons of absolute beginner classes around.

      To get into it it just has to be habit though. Same time every week. Do it conciously for a month and then you naturallt go to yourself “gym tonight”

    14. Fiennes*

      So many great suggestions here. Rather than add another, I’ll just say: try everything. At least, try everything you could conceivably, physically, geographically, financially do on a regular basis—even stuff that seems like it might not be ideal! Sometimes people wind up liking/committing to forms of exercise that aren’t intuitive. And the thing you like is the thing you’ll stick with.

      Signed, lady in her 40s who was *astonished* to discover, 10 years ago, that weightlifting was actually enjoyable

      1. PX*

        Second this advice! Try lots of things and see what sticks. Also, try and figure out what helps motivate you. When I climbed, I loved the fact that it was a mental as well as physical challenge, it was social and you could track your progression easily (and therefore easier to set goals). I started doing krav maga, and my actual motivation some days is genuinely just getting value for money! I have to pay X amount per month for my lessons, so on days when I’m feeling lazy, I think of how much money I’d be throwing away and it kicks me to get up and out of the house. Once I’m there I love it and usually come away feeling like I’ve learnt something new, but that initial hump of leaving the house can be a bit tricky.

    15. Be the Change*

      I’m one of those annoying Crossfit groupies, so…. If you find a box that focuses on health and development rather than competition, which is not hard, I have found it fun and challenging. It’s the perfect mix of being with people but not being responsible for their outcomes. And I was always a clumsy non-athlete my entire life.

    16. LilySparrow*

      I found Zumba really, really fun, if the teacher is good. It’s more like just fun dancing where they teach you cool steps but you don’t have to do them perfectly.

      For solo exercise, I have a very carefully curated playlist that makes me feel happy, strong and energetic. They are songs that just make me move.

    17. exercise*

      A few years ago I trained for a triathlon and I loved that that everyday I did something different. I don’t always do run/bike/swim now but it’s taught me how much I thrive on variety. So right now my routine is more elliptical one day, swim another and I’m doing weights on the other day and repeat. It makes things easier schedule wise.

      The other thing that really motivates me is to use that fitness for fun things, i.e., I can go on a hike, a bike ride or this winter I’m taking ice skating lessons. I am a very beginner but I can see how all that work in those other sports really come in handy here and I’m not so beat up as some of my fellow classmates. Or one day there was no electricity and I could walk to my apartment on the 12th floor and not be destroyed by it.

    18. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I am totally in love with Jazzercise. It doesn’t even seem like exercise at all. Dance routines to popular music–and the time goes by so fast. I hate regular “exercise.”

    19. Meow meow*

      What really works for me are organized classes–I dance and do aerials. I have the problem with being extremely bored with typical forms of exercise, and classes help because 1. well there’s an instructor and other people, can’t really sit around even if you don’t want to do 20 push-ups 2. my classes have a more creative component to them, which is key for me. 3. you have to attend them at a particular time, which helps (sometimes) because they are on my schedule, I’ve paid money, etc. Even for people who have never danced before, I think that there are classes that are more accessible, such as zumba and those barre work-out classes.

    20. Book Lover*

      I started playing Pokémon go and now I find myself getting antsy if I sit around too long, so that has worked for me :)

      And going to a trainer regularly, so having someone you are accountable to and need to show up for.

    21. Kuododi*

      I was heavily involved in martial arts during my younger, more “flexible” days. (Studied both karate and Kung Fu). It is not a cost effective activity. Back in the 90s the Karate Sensei I studied under cut me a big break on cost bc I was a work friend. Later I moved to the Midwest and picked back up with my studies…my monthly expenses doubled for training both in Karate and Kung Fu. (Money well spent IMO).
      Since we’ve been back in the south, I have been going to the local Y. Cost effective, excellent facility with both weight training, indoor water classes, walking track as well as a variety of exercise classes. Personally, I have discovered that I need to be in a situation where I have to get dressed and go somewhere for exercise. Otherwise I will find all kinds of reasons to talk myself out of regular activity.

    22. Plague of frogs*

      Stair-climbing is the one thing that works for me. It’s boring unless you dress it up right, but I’ve dressed it up right.

      There’s a yearly stair-climbing race in a city near me, and a team of us do it every year. At this point, about half my office does it. This is really great because:
      -We are all competitive and gentle trash-talkers, so it’s fantastic incentive to exercise.
      -We work in a building with stairs, so we can go up and down them to practice (this only works if your knees can handle going down, though). I and another coworker do it twice a week all year, and other coworkers joins us as the race gets close. It’s great to have the “gym” right there at work, and people who are constantly pushing me to use it.

    23. Envy*

      I started using a pedometer. First did normal activity to gauge steps. Then considered different walks to go on to see how many steps each block was. Treating it like a fact finding mission. Then I started treating it as a challenge to increase my steps everyday. When I got bored I would walk a different route I’ve never taken before or see how fast I could walk the same old boring route. Also looking at different things on my walks. i.e. one day looking at all the insects I could find, the next looking at the buildings/houses I walked past, trees I saw, etc.

    1. Casuan*

      Easy!!
      I hate to cook so this isn’t an issue for me. And when I do, Trader Joe’s has a decent frozen rice; it’s three packets per box.
      Hopefully someone can give you a better answer for what you want to do. :)

      1. Casuan*

        Long ago I tried to use a rice cooker & I followed the instructions to the letter.*
        It was a disaster because the erupting steam contained starch (at least, I think starch?) & it was a pain to clean up.
        What did I do wrong &or what am I missing about the joys of using a rice cooker?

        *I’m the model exemption of the axiom “If you can read, you can cook.”

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          We use a rice cooker almost daily. It should be kept in a well-ventilated area because the steam does contain starch and will build up on nearby surfaces. Rinse the rice well first–traditionally it should be rinsed seven times, but 3-4 is usually fine. At least until the water is mostly clear. Then just set it and go. If you have a low-quality rice cooker, it might put out more steam and cause more problems.

        2. acmx*

          If you use Japanese rice, the cup measurement is not the same as US cup. You need about an inch of water above the rice in the cooker.
          You may just need a better rice cooker.

        3. Peanut*

          Wipe up the starchy liquid as soon as you put away the leftover rice, with plain water and a paper towel or cloth. There should only be stuff around the spout where the steam escapes. (If you have more than that, check to be sure you aren’t putting too much water in the pan – the one time my rice cooler bubbled over, I had mismeasured the water by only a little bit.)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I bought a NordicWare Multi-pot and cook it in the microwave. Comes out really well nearly every time. It took a bit of experimenting to do wild rice and brown rice. It will also cook quinoa, but it takes a little longer. No more boiling pots and messes to clean up. And it leaves a burner free — I only have two working ones atm.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Don’t overcook it! Also, use a non-stick pot. :) How are you cooking your rice? That might help us help you.

      My method, and I only cook brown rice these days: cover rice with about two inches of water. Boil. Once the boiling starts, reduce heat to about medium-high. Cook uncovered until mostly dry, turn off heat and cover so the rice steams. Granted, I like my rice a little al dente so this may not work for everybody, but I don’t have a lot of sticking issues.

    5. dr_silverware*

      One is the pasta method—boil a bunch of salted water, then dump in the rice and reduce to a simmer. Cook until tender, then drain. Cooking time will depend on rice type so you’ve got to keep checking it.

      Another possibility is being REAL strict about cooking time with the normal method. Use exactly the proportion of water to rice recommended on the package, put in a bit of salt. Bring to a boil then immediately reduce to a bare simmer and cover, NOT opening the lid until cooking time or cooking time – 2 minutes has passed. When you check, best case is when you tip the pan you see a tiny amount of water pool around, and then you can cook another couple minutes. Then when there’s no more water pooling, immediately (!!!) fluff the rice with a fork and some fat (or fluff it and take it out of the pan).

      I suspect you’re currently either slightl overcooking your rice so it dries out a bit too much, or letting it sit untouched too long until the starch gets sticky and gluey. I don’t think there’s a way to avoid the film of starch left on the pan, though :(

    6. Rainy*

      White rice in non-stick saucepan with glass lid to depth of first finger joint. Wash in warm plain water, swirling with hands, until rice washes clean(er). Tip out all rinse water, shake rice level, fill to depth of second finger joint with cold water. Add salt and any seasoning you mean to (if you are making seasoned rice). Put rice on medium heat with the lid on (the glass-lid saucepan is very helpful for this, reduces the urge to peek), bring to boil, reduce heat to a simmer and once it’s simmering, set a timer for 15 minutes before ever looking at it. DON’T RAISE THE LID! :) Just peek through if you can. The rice will be done just at the moment the excess water is absorbed. Test it, if it’s still crunchy add a little more water and put the lid back on and simmer until absorbed. I haven’t had that problem in a while but this way does allow you to “rescue” crunchy rice. Fluff it with a fork and you are all done.

      I live at high altitude, so you might have to adjust the time–I have been living here long enough that I don’t remember how long it took at lower elevations.

        1. Rainy*

          I never stir so it doesn’t stick. I think the more you disturb the rice the more likely it is to stick–in my experience at least. You have to be vigilant though to snatch it off the heat the second all the water is gone! Cook with your nose and ears as well as eyes, hands, and tongue.

        3. teclatrans*

          Do not stir!! I wonder if you are doing this because this is the way to keep pasta from sticking? Rice is not the same. I think type of rice can make a difference, and many people swear by thorough rinsing ahead of time.

          As Rainy said, don’t even lift the lid. Letting out the steam a) is likely to dry out your rice, and b) makes the temperature drop, which can lead to unevenly cooked rice. I read somewhere that what happens is that the inner core of the rice is still hard while the outer perimeter is soft, and then when you have to get the pot back up to full heat, you overcook the outer part. I don’t know if this is correct, but I wonder if it might lead to the sticky rice you are trying to avoid?

          I put rice and water (1:2) in a lidded pan, bring it to a boil, then drop to the lowest heat setting. 15-20 minutes later, I take a quick woek. If I see holes throughout, I know that the water has all cooked off, and it is done. I think the only time my rice has been sticky is when I spooned up rice too soon, then stirred to redistribute any rice and water.

    7. Triplestep*

      I bought a rice-cooker at a discount store (not big-box) and it has served me so well. It clicks from “cook” to “warm” when most of the water has cooked out, and that’s the point at which I have to quickly shut it off and fluff the rice. If I let it sit on “warm” the rice will stick.

      The cooker’s bowl is made from aluminum; I wash it with Barkeeper’s Friend to get the sticky stuff off.

    9. Ron McDon*

      I cook mine in a steamer, and it makes it light and fluffy every time!

      Pour enough boiling water to about an inch above the rice in the main body of the steamer, bring to the boil, stir well, then turn down slightly and cook for about 8 mins – the rice will soak up most of the water and have lots of indentations on the top surface.

      Drain into the steamer part of the pot.

      Refill the bottom of the pot with a few inches of boiling water, sit the steamer part over it, covered by the lid.

      Bring back to the boil, turn down slightly and cook for between 10-20 mins. Stir every 5 mins or so. It’ll go fluffy and soft when cooked.

      Works every time!

    10. Enya*

      I rinse the rice first and let it drain to get rid of excess starch. Then I cook it in a little oil until all the grains are coated with oil. Then I add spices, mix, then add the water. When the water boils, I turn it down to Low and cook til I see holes form in the top of the rice. Then I turn it off, cover the pot with a towel and let it sit for a while. Typing that all out, it seems like a lot of steps but it goes pretty fast.

    13. Melody Pond*

      I scanned the rest of the responses and didn’t see this already mentioned – the Instant Pot is awesome at making rice!

      It comes with a little packet explaining how long to cook different types of items, including various kinds of rice and other grains. With white rice, it will stick just a *tiny* bit to the bottom of the pot, but with brown rice, it doesn’t stick at all.

      So, in case you were already considering an Instant Pot, add this to the list of reasons it’s awesome.

    14. Gitty*

      Pour a bit of oil (abt a teaspoon) in the pot and heat on a medium flame. Pour the raw rice in the oil and let toast, mixing, for about 3 minutes. Pour the water on top, mix, bring to a boil, than lower the flame all the way and cook covered for 20 minutes

    15. LAI*

      I use a rice cooker and once it’s done, I turn it off and let it sit for five minutes. If you try to scoop it right away, a layer stays stuck to the bottom. If you wait a few minutes and let it cool, it’ll scoop much more easier. If it does it stuck, it’s very easy to clean by soaking in hot water, but I just hate to lose the rice – I want to eat it all!

  23. New girl*

    I love the Olympics. I’m generally not a fan of watching sports on TV but the Olympics just suck me in!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I could have done without the “Oh… Asian culture” commentary for the opening ceremonies, but I’m super excited to see the actual performances in the upcoming events.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Agreed. That was pretty terrible. I’ll be following all the figure skating events, both on tv and online later so I can watch on my schedule. I do like Johnny Weir, so I don’t mind the skating-specific commentary!

    3. Fiennes*

      I love the olympics, but I HATE NBC’s smarmy coverage so much that it nearly ruins the games for me. They assume (a) Americans wouldn’t ever give a damn about sports more popular overseas; (b) also only want to know about one foreign athlete to every ten Americans; and (c) need this to be some kind of quasi-spiritual experience. Their endless overdone sentimentality only waters down the stories/people that truly are fascinating. Honestly, I lost it when NBC decided (2 or 3 games back) to only focus on the big countries during the parade of nations, and show only momentary clips of smaller nations’ teams. It’s a LOT harder to reach the Olympics if you’re from a nation that only fields a team of 6. Those athletes don’t get huge sporting contracts. This is supposed to be a moment in the sun for EVERYONE, and NBC took it upon itself to decide which nations “count. It’s infuriating.

      ::deep cleansing breath:: So I now keep up via online clips.

  24. Casuan*

    WTF Windows 10…?!?!?
    Finally I sat down to customise my settings & documents. Normally it’s a relatively quick process working within File Manager [or Explorer, whatever it’s called these days]… except when I go to the Start Menu folder it tells me access denied & all I get from googling (which took more time than my customisations would have)… apparently Microsoft doesn’t trust me to do what I want with the files on my computer & it presumes to know the best Start Menu config for me.
    Options are to install third-party software that kind of works as the Start Menu I want, change permissions on the locked folders, make no changes & just make do with the current config or get a Mac.
    As soon as I can, I’m going to the Mac store, although it won’t be soon.
    And don’t even get me started on “My Documents/Music/Photos/Etc”…

    1. Triplestep*

      I have Windows 10 at home and I was able to configure start menu more or less as I like. You do start to find that the aps/programs you use “float” to the top of the list after a while, so maybe it just needs to get to know you.

      Work is another story. My *company* does not trust me to set the start menu the way I like, or even give me access to my own C drive. I requested and got the latter (sorry, I need it – I use special software that no one else in my company has, and customizations live on the C drive) but it still will not let me re-jigger the start menu, and it really makes me mad. What am I, a child?

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Well, there is another option, which you may not like—go Linux. Or if regular Linux intimidates you, Chromebook. But I also highly recommend Macs.

    3. Observer*

      If you want control Linux is as good as you get – and you don’t even need a new computer. You can install it on the one you have.

      Macs tend to have a control freak mind set, so make sure that you make sure you can actually change anything you want to change.

    4. Casuan*

      Now I’m tired & really pissed off. What should have been an hour or two on my computer turned into a multi-hour ordeal & I’m not bloody happy.
      Windows %*@&?!?!?! 10 makes even the simplest tasks a pain in the asterisk & there are redundant file locations & settings anywhere. The customisation settings suck because thanks to redundancies it’s taken at least twice as long to do things. How many different screens do they need when the Control Panel is simple enough that my cat can use it.
      Then after what should have been a relatively quick install of Quicken… that’s the straw for me. I’ve used this programme for over 20 years & this is the first time I was told to change a language unicode setting AND the bloody software won’t even run unless I sign into my account. And of course my prior credentials don’t work because… oh, who cares.
      I just want to do my work. Is that really so difficult?!?!?
      Don’t tech companies know that not all computer users want to do social media all day, edit photos & play games? For years they’ve been trying to dumb down their software for the casual user & all that does is vex me because I just want the programme to install & stop asking me “What do you want to do today?” so I can just get to *doing* it.
      :::missing the good ol’ days…:::

      thanks for that vent :)
      As for Linux & other suggestions, thank you!

      1. teclatrans*

        I want to add a vent, apparently upgrading to Windows 10 meant that they put all my 3rd-party programs into a separate Programs file, one that the OS does not look at. I am embarrassed to say how long it gas taken me to figure out why my computer thinks I don’t have, e.g., any PDF-reading software.

        I really hate Windows 10. You are in good company.

    5. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      Linux really is a fantastic operating system, but of course, it isn’t Windows. Applications that you’re used to, if they don’t have Linux ports, generally can’t be run on Linux. There are compatibility layers like Wine (winehq.org) that can run SOME Windows applications on Linux, but many of them won’t run correctly or even at all. If you aren’t married to specific software, you can probably find Linux alternatives with similar functionality, but it’s something to think about. I agree that Windows 10 is hot garbage, but some editions are worse than others (looking at you, Windows 10 Home).

      However, if this is your personal computer, it’s possibly not supposed to be doing that. Any version of Windows can develop problems that cause it to stop working correctly and require a system repair, and I’ve had more problems with 10 eating itself than I have with any other version of Windows. At least 10 makes it very easy to run repairs … it’s almost like MS knew! /s

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        While everything you’re saying is true, I think now is actually a better time to switch than ever before, as people are using a lot more cloud-based stuff than 5 or 10 years ago. While I’m still using iTunes, almost everyone I know streams music through Spotify, Pandora, or Google Play Music. Some people are still tied to Microsoft Office, but it seems almost everyone I know uses Google Docs personally (if not for work). Considering how much Chromebooks have taken off in the home and education markets, regular desktop Linux (which can do a ton more than Chromebook) is probably worth looking into.

  25. Drama TV Recs*

    I’m not really into sitcoms, but I love dramas. I’ve watched a lot of them, but I’m looking for recs where there’s NO rape or sexual violence towards women. I’m honestly tired of rape/sexual violence being used as a plot point because it’s lazy writing, getting to the point where people are desensitized to it, often written/filmed in a titillating manner, and a host of other issues.

    I’m willing to watch something with rape/sexual violence if it’s portrayed the way it was in Veronica Mars, Jessica Jones, or The Handmaid’s Tale, where it’s clearly about how awful rape/sexual violence is and deals with the recovery/trauma of it without sexualizing it.

    I’m just really tired of starting a new TV show to have a rape scene within the first few episodes. There are many other ways to write nuanced female characters with troubled pasts or overcoming challenges than throwing a rape scene into the mix.

    1. Kaz*

      I don’t know if you are into scifi, but we watched The Expanse and I loved it. Would have shotgunned the whole series if husband wasn’t against binging.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Because you mention Jessica Jones, I assume you have Netflix. We binged Godless and really enjoyed it. It’s violent, but not gratuitously, and the female characters are pretty well developed. We watched the first two episodes of Ozark and I do get what the fuss is about, but personally I am done with the visual darkness and blue tones. If that doesn’t bother you, I’d go with that show.

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        I had Godless on my to-watch list, but some of my female coworkers said they were turned off by the rape scenes?

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I found them jarring but not gratuitous, and I did have some issues with male savior-ness, but overall I think it’s an interesting portrayal of women if you look at it in context of the times. That’s always been my thing; I have friends who can’t watch Mad Men because of all the misogyny, but my feeling is that the goal of the show was to put you into that era and experience all its lumps.

          1. Drama TV Recs*

            I don’t know. I’m honestly pretty tired of historical fiction saying you need to experience female rape and violence because it was part of the time period, but then not showing other issues of the time period like, say, dysentery or cholera or amputation or starvation. They’re not going to give you other context of a time period because it’s not “sexy”.

            I feel like “this was part of the era!” has so often been used as justification to show violent rape or abuse of women (or other marginalized groups) when most of the time it’s not necessary to the story or character growth and a thinly veiled way to show nudity. It’s not even restricted to historical TV shows, the same things happen in shows set in the modern era. There are a lot of other ways to give people context on subjugation or suffering of women during a specific era without showing graphic sexual assault scenes.

            1. Fiennes*

              +1

              Also, when it comes to stuff like Game of Thrones—you can bend reality for dragons, but not for sexual violence?

              1. Drama TV Recs*

                Yeah, I have the same issue with the books. They’re not as bad as the show, but it still annoys me when straight white men create these fantasy worlds where marginalized groups are still suffering because “that’s the way it was in history” or because it “lends authenticity”.

                Just because you based your fictional fantasy world on a real life time period doesn’t mean you had to write about women, people of color, or queer identities suffering. If you can write about magic or zombies or dragons, you can write a world where people aren’t oppressed. I’ve been pleasantly surprised over the past few years at how YA fantasy and sci-fi has overcome this problem in a way adult fantasy and sci-fi hasn’t

                1. Betsy*

                  I so much agree with you! Very well said. :)

                  I understand that there are good feminist novels and films that portray sexual violence because it’s important to deal with that subject matter, especially when portraying historical events. But then there are so many shows that are like, ‘hmmm, throw in something edgy… OK more rape’.

            2. Thlayli*

              Yes yes a thousand times yes. I’m so sick of it being thrown in to “lend authenticity”. That’s not the reason and you know it!

    3. Triplestep*

      Have you been watching “This is Us”? Lots of people consider it a tear-jerker, but I find it uplifting as well. I was telling a few people at work about it yesterday; I like it because it does not spoon-feed you. It takes place in three time periods of a family’s life, and you glean information from each to put all the pieces together.

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        Ah, no, I’ve had multiple people tell me it’s one of those shows that manipulates your emotions and I’m really not into those types of shows. None of the previews for it have made it seem like my cup of tea either.

        1. Triplestep*

          I’m not sure what is meant by “manipulate your emotions”. Whether it’s comedy, drama, horror, fantasy, action, etc, isn’t the purpose of entertainment to get you to feel something?

        2. Peggy*

          It’s the most emotionally manipulative show that’s ever been on television. It’s designed purely to rip your heart out over and over. Goal every week: make viewers sob harder than the week before.

          Still watch it. Still enjoy it. But it’s the definition of emotional manipulation.

          1. Triplestep*

            Name a TV show, film or any kind of fiction that is NOT “emotional manipulation”.

            I think that “manipulation” is a really negative way to frame something that is designed to entertain. Someone who does not like to have his or her heartstrings tugged should not watch “This is Us”. My husband prefers to watch “things blow up big” and read sci-fi fantasy. Neither of us is the victim of anyone’s “manipulation”.

            1. Someone else*

              I speak only for myself, but when I refer to a show, especially THIS IS US, as “emotional manipulation” I mean something more/different than just the fact that by its nature, TV/movies/theater are trying to make us all feel something when we watch. When I use that phrase, I mean the show is gratuitously going for certain emotional misdirects; they’re obfuscating the point not because it’s a mystery show and the characters are figuring things out as we are, or anything plot driven. They do “twists” for twists’ sake. A lot of the storyline would not have very much impact on me watching it if they were not using the crutch of the surprise reveal. And it uses that technique in nearly every episode. While I do accept and understand the execution is generally half of what makes one show good and another not so great, this show, to me, goes about it in a really unearned way.

              1. Triplestep*

                Thanks for the explanation. I suspect there’s a better word than “manipulation” for what you’re describing. It’s a pretty loaded word.

            2. Peggy*

              Hi Triplestep –
              Sorry – that word choice wasn’t meant to be personal whatsoever.

              It’s my understanding that this is a very common term used to describe shows and movies that are designed specifically to pull the heart strings. Whereas other shows may have occasional episodes that might bring a tear, This Is Us seems to be made for the express purpose of making you say, “at what point in this week’s episode am I going to sob hysterically and think about my issues with my mother and trauma from my own childhood?” Like the other poster said, there are emotional twists in almost every episode where the reveal is intended to make the average person cry. That’s fine! It’s still entertaining. No judgement, I watch it and cry every week.

              I don’t mean that you are a victim of manipulation in a negative way. It’s just a term to describe a show that is written to evoke more strong emotions than the typical show. The term is meant to be more reflective of the showrunners and writers and their intentions than the viewers themselves.

    4. Lily Evans*

      As I started to reply to this, I realized just how many shows I’ve watched have had this kind of violence, but it happens so frequently it barely even registers any more. But some things I’d recommend are:
      -Sense8. The premise can be hard to get into, but it has a cult following for a reason and it’s one of my all time favorites.
      -Call the Midwife. This one I completely forgot does have a plot point in a later season involving sexual violence against a woman, but the storyline was handled tactfully and not just swept aside after one episode. It’s a period piece about midwives in London in the ’60s and every episode has made me cry. I love it because most of the story lines are just women supporting each other, with the men as supporting characters.
      -Hart of Dixie. Lighthearted and Gilmore Girls-esque, it’s good for a mindless binge and for me is basically a TV version of comfort food.
      -Wynonna Earp. Reminds me of Supernatural, but with sisters instead of brothers and is generally just better plot-wise. I’ve only watched season 1, though so I can’t make any guarantees about the contents of season 2 yet.

      1. many bells down*

        Sense8 is one of my absolute favorite shows. I was devastated they canceled it.
        And Call the Midwife is a great show!

        I was telling someone else with the same requirements for shows about Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries. There are maybe one or two plots that deal with violence against women, but it’s dealt with from a very female perspective. And Phryne Fisher is a woman who thoroughly owns her own sexuality, which is fun to watch. It’s pretty comedic for a detective show, and some of the accents verge on outright racist caricature, but it’s a good show.

        2. Drama TV Recs*

          Yes, I love Miss Fisher, and I really hope the movie plans keep going forward.

          I’ve noticed there’s a big difference between sexual assault and violence when it’s done via a focused, nuanced female perspective than via a man who thinks rape is a quick way to portray trauma or drama for female characters or, worse, a starting point for male action and rage.

      2. Parenthetically*

        I call Call the Midwife “Get the Tissues.” I hate emotionally manipulative shows, but I find CtM to be emotional because it’s telling realistic human stories rather than because it’s trying to jerk me around by the feels.

        1. Lily Evans*

          Yeah, I don’t find it manipulative in the way that I found This is Us. It’s more that the stories it’s telling are genuinely emotional and the highs and lows feel realistic. Even back when I wasn’t such an easy crier it would make me cry (now I found myself crying at Vanderpump Rules the other night, so my tissue warnings probably aren’t that relatable all the time).

      3. Lindsay J*

        I really like Hart of Dixie a lot. It’s in my regular rotation of “background noise” shows that I watch over and over again.

        I think they do a really good job of showing attraction and relationships developing between people – so often sitcoms and such just kind of smoosh two people together and go “They’re a couple now,” without there being any real chemistry or reasons for them to want to be together.

        It also does a good job, of, by the end, making characters that were originally really one-dimensional become realistic and sympathetic.

    5. Cruciatus*

      Jane the Virgin is probably more on the comedy side than drama but, well, it is a telenovela and things are often dramatic! But I really love it. The narrator really makes the show.
      There’s also Elementary. There are likely certain episodes that deal with violence towards women, but it’s not the main theme of the show (like, say, Criminal Minds). There is of course murder though.
      Call the Midwife was mentioned–I also love that show. Again, there may be certain episodes that deal with that topic, but not all.
      Justified was a wonderful show. I didn’t think it’d be up my alley at all and I loved it. Especially season 2 with Margo Martindale (but again, murder and stuff).
      Friday Night Lights–also not a show I thought I would like and I’m still sad it’s no longer on. I don’t give a flying fig about football but it really wasn’t (always) about the football.

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        I loved Justified! I was actually thinking about rewatching it soon.

        I just caught up on Elementary, too. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how they handled Kitty’s character because it could have so easily gone down the traditionally tropey and poorly handled rape survivor route. They did it in a way that let her be angry and let her heal without sexualizing any of it, and I really appreciated it.

    6. Anon for this*

      I just want to say I totally 100% agree with you and I don’t think this is talked about enough. In TV, movies and books rape is just tossed in as a plot element constantly, without being given the significance it deserves – often being used even as a comedic device (male/male rape in prison is often played for laughs for example which is sickening).

      I don’t throw the term trigger around lightly, but I have a really strong emotional reaction to it (I have experienced rape myself) and it really upsets me to see it just tossed in there as a bit of flavour for the scene. (GOT anyone). It seriously upsets me. I wish writers didn’t do this.

      Now that I think about it this is probably why I don’t like dramas.

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        It’s definitely not discussed as much as it should be, and when it is, it’s often justified as lending a series authenticity or being true to history. It’s historical, so of course women were raped, and that means the portrayal within the show is credible! Yet, they’re not showing all the other horrible aspects of a time period that happened to men. It bothers me for a lot of reasons, but also because it adds an air of thinking rape was “okay” decades or centuries ago because “that’s just the way it was”.

        To me, it’s really just lazy writing and seems to come from men who apparently can’t think of any other way to show a women with flaws or a dark backstory. The fact that people are so desensitized to it appearing in media is pretty upsetting, too.

        And yes, I cannot tell you how much I hate m/m prison rape jokes. It’s not only sickening, but it has that homophobic tint that makes my stomach turn as well (it just perpetuates the “queers as predators” stigma).

      2. many bells down*

        It’s a tough watch, but “The Fall” on Netflix deals with it in the most dramatic way I’ve ever seen – by *calling out its own audience for being complicit*. You’re watching the murder of women for entertainment; you’re complicit in these happenings. A really bold choice for a show.

        1. Anon for this*

          Murder is also thrown about way too much, particularly murder of minor characters. How many times have you seen the hero or villain just shoot someone and walk away with zero consequences and zero reflection. Austin powers called this out really well with the whole “nobody thinks of the family of a henchman” joke.

          I amn’t triggered by murder because I don’t know anyone who’s been murdered, but I imagine people who’ve lost loved ones to murder would feel the same way about the portrayal of murder as I do about the portrayal of rape.

          1. Lindsay J*

            A movie theater chain near me is doing a showing of all the James Bond films in order, and that’s one of the things that has really struck me about the older movies.

            (In addition to showing Bond essentially forcing himself on two different women, but it’s okay because they enjoyed it because he’s good in bed. When they’re shocked and resisting and trying to push him off of them it’s not at all attractive or okay.)

            There is just so much gratuitous death of the “bad guys”. And while most of it isn’t graphic, that’s almost worse.

            I don’t really watch or enjoy shows like Game of Thrones or say anything by Quinton Tarintino because of the violence involved. But at least there it’s clear that it’s violence, and it is hard to watch. In these films, it barely elicits a reaction other than “whew, that was a close one.”

    7. Fiennes*

      If you’re looking for OTT campy spy drama, “Alias” has five whole seasons of a female action heroine who is never raped nor directly threatened* with sexual violence, not even once. Nor is any other woman or man.

      (I disclaim here because just once, a character tacitly threatens harming her in this way—but he’s threatening a man who cares about her welfare. She isn’t even in the room and the audience fully knows she’s in no danger from this guy. And the allusion isn’t explicitly worded at all.)

      Other suggestions: if you’re willing to watch something even older, I’m pretty sure “Colombo” was free of sexual violence. Women were sometimes the murder victims, but never due to sex crime. As of now, “Stranger Things” is free of sexual violence. “The Crown” I think is also clear though I’ve not seen the final episodes of season 2. God, it’s depressingly difficult to think of more.

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        Alias was MY SHOW back when it was airing. I haven’t thought about it in ages, and I think I still have the DVDs somewhere, so I might need to rewatch that.

      2. Anon for this (same person as above)*

        Oh I really hope stranger things stays free of sexual violence. It would really ruin it for me and I love than show.

    8. Liz*

      Watch Hannibal! The people behind the show were very clear from the beginning that there would be no sexual violence in the show, and they stuck to that. There’s lots of murder and gore, but it did air on NBC so it’s not nearly as bad as it could be. (Plus it’s just a fantastic show – very well-acted and beautifully shot!)

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        Already watched it (and hoping we get a season 4)! I use Bryan Fuller as an example of someone who wrote a show that was dark and gruesome and gave characters trauma and dark pasts without resorting to rape or sexual violence.

        1. Fiddlesticks*

          Fannibals! I love that show SO MUCH and try not to get too verklempt every time Bryan Fuller drops out of another showrunning gig and find myself hoping against hope it’s to kick off season four…

    9. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m watching ReGenesis. It’s about the fictional Canada-US-Mexico collaborative lab to solve outbreaks of disease. The science is sometimes questionable and there is a fair amount of consensual sex, nudity, and swearing, but I’m into the second season without any rape (I think). It’s on Amazon.

    10. Fiddlesticks*

      Are you open to watching subtitled shows?

      I ask because there’s a massive universe of kdramas that are very female-oriented, and have no sexualized violence, even if they have problematic themes. A few that I love with all of my heart and recommend without caveat:

      1. Queen In-Hyun’s Man: Time travel romance. A scholar and courtier from Korean history gets a talisman that jumps him forward in time every time his life in danger, and in the course of this, he ends up in modern-day Seoul and meets an actress just on the cusp of her big break. This show is staggeringly, sweepingly romantic, the male protagonist is brilliant and heartbreaking, and their love for each other just makes me get all weepy remembering it.

      2. Because This Is My First Life: Slice-of-life reflection on growing up and into our relationships. Our male and female lead become roommates, and then get married for convenience, but the actual plot of the story is people learning to value themselves, staying true to their boundaries, and negotiating the difficult process of growing up and being authentically themselves. The main pairing is killer, but the secondary romance is radical: a woman caring for her disabled mother who will do sex but shys away from relationships, and her entire arc is learning to allow herself vulnerability. AHHH IT’S SO GOOD.

      Both of these shows are available on Dramafever or Viki subtitled if you want to give them a shot!

      1. Drama TV Recs*

        Oh, yes, I’m always up for expanding my horizons and watching foreign shows! Both of those sound great, so I’m going to add them to my list! Thanks!

      2. K*

        I personally don’t like to watch Korean dramas, but I can highly recommend to try out Japanese shows.
        Love shuffle is one of my all-time favorites for the mix of humour and drama, without any violence.

    11. PX*

      A couple of shows which I’ve not seen mentioned:
      – Orphan Black – caveat here is that I still havent caught up with the later seasons, but strong female lead and no sexual violence that I can remember
      – Dirk Gentlys Holistic Detective Agency – it took me at least 4 episodes to get into this, its a weird mishmash of sci-fi, murder mystery, humour and just everything! But again, really good writing and once you get into it, it properly sucks you in. Just waiting to find some time to binge season 2!
      – Mr. Robot – highly recommend, still waiting to binge season 4. Generally lives up to the hype.

    13. NaoNao*

      My suggestions:
      The Crown (if you like royalty, historical fiction, costume dramas, and relationship dramas, this is your “treat” show!)
      The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (the word for this show is “exhilaration”–a wonderful, upbeat, and very female-forward/friendly show written by, for, and about women. Amazing. Highest recommendation)
      Atlanta (a few scenes of suggested violence but none to women) a funny, off-kilter and GREAT show
      High Maintenance (a silly, shaggy dog tale series that makes me feel happy and light watching it. Comedy/human observation—does reference drugs pretty heavily, but not in a gritty way)
      Togetherness (family and relationship drama)
      Black-ish (sitcom, light hearted)
      Insecure (a wonderful, sharply observed coming of age in your late 20’s comedy/drama about African American women in L.A. a delightful show again, by, for, and about women)
      Transparent (a few scenes that reference sexual violence, assault or misconduct, by in a respectful way that is central to the plot. Not exploitive at all) a somber but weirdly uplifting drama. This TV show made me feel mixtures of emotion I have never felt in my life. I felt blessed to be alive at a time when art was being made like this. Not an exaggeration. Amazing TV.
      One Mississippi. A dry, gentle comedy/drama with unusual characters. No violence and honestly, no real sex at all. Just family comedy/ light drama.
      Better Things. OH MY GOD THIS SHOW. By, for, and about women. Three generations of funny, flawed, cool, weird women. Start watching now, thank me later.
      Godless. Has some rough scenes, BUT they also have all the “real” historical things (amputations, infections, illnesses, etc.) Episode one was great, but I petered out on this show. Many rave reviews say it is a great character piece and really does a terrific job with its female characters.
      Young Pope. Okay, wild card but again, NO violence against women (that I recall!) and a visual and psychological delight.

  26. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    What tricks do you use to get songs out of your head?

    I have a really crazy internal DJ. For DAYS this week I had a mash-up of “Mony Mony” by Billy Idol and “Money, Money, Money” by ABBA stuck in my head. It’s just as bizarre as it sounds. And that’s not even the weirdest I’ve ever had.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I usually have to sing the song– or songs– until they leave. Then, of course, they get replaced by other songs.

      And gee, thanks, now that’s running in MY head. Together. :)

    3. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

      I try to imagine Johnny Cash singing the song that’s stuck in my head. That usually ends the song in question but then gets a Johnny Cash song in my head, but I’m OK with that.

    4. 14 years*

      I decided on a go to song a long time ago. Any time something is in my head, I either consciously or sometimes unconsciously start thinking of In My Life by the beatles. It’s one of my favorite songs so I don’t mind switching. It honestly works well.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        My brother suggested the same thing to me, only his suggestion was ” I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. I have a feeling your song would work better.

    5. Casuan*

      Love this question!
      Sometimes I can actually get rid of the song by “giving” it to someone else, kind of in the misery-loves-company sense (or if-I-need-to-live-with-this-I’m-sharing-it-with-an-unsuspecting-friend).
      Other times I need to replace it with a song of my choosing.
      However when my internal DJ plays a medley of totally unrelated songs? Not so easy, that.

      ps: I’m going to steal “I have a really crazy internal DJ” because that describes this perfectly.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I heard that a song repeating in the mind is a symptom of fatigue. I try to get extra sleep and that seems to do it for me.

    7. Lcsa99*

      This is going to sound ridiculous, but it works. I also think of it as an internal dj, so I will start singing a particular line from The Smith’s Panic – “hang the dj, hang the dj, hang the dj, hang the dj!”

      It works every time.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      Listen to Peaches by the Presidents of the USA. Or sing it. For some reason this song is a great antidote to almost any ear worm!

    9. On Fire*

      My go-to is the “Soft kitty, warm kitty” thing from The Big Bang Theory. I sing it through 2-3 times, and it gets rid of the ear worm without becoming one itself.

    10. Nicole*

      I find if I listen to the song in question from start to finish it will go away.

      The funny thing is when I have a song stuck in my head and I’m not sure where it came from. I had, of all things, a New Kids On The Block song running in my head the other day and I wondered out loud where it came from when my husband admitted he had sung the chorus a few minutes beforehand. So he GAVE me an earworm, that jerk, lol!

  27. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I was at a lecture type course thing recently and they mentioned over-thinking in passing.

    I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of myself as an over-thinker. But suddenly I thought: no! I’m not an over-thinker. I think about things deeply and sometimes see issues way before other people. This is actually a good thing. Sometimes in my personal life I let my thoughts run away with me, but again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing: sometimes I come up with amazing insights into myself that way.

    I also read an article in the guardian recently by Hadley Freeman, in which she was saying that 2018 was her year of No More Self Doubt. And since then, every time I’ve thought “but what if I’m wrong?!” I’ve thought to myself – no. I’m trusting my gut. Who knew that defeating self doubt could be as simple as an effort of will?

    So these things have surprised me. And I’m gonna stop with those manners of self-sabotage and start trusting myself more.

    Anyone else found this before?

      1. nep*

        Great piece. Thanks for noting/sharing. (Extra bonus — very nice to get the Middlemarch references. I’m reading it now.)
        I find I appreciate many of Freeman’s columns.

    2. Casuan*

      It’s easy to confuse overthinking with that’s-just-how-your-mind-works.
      With me, what some people think is overthinking is simply how my mind processes information.*
      Something I’m just learning about myself is that I have a high objectivity factor, which makes things more grey than black & white because I can think of alternate scenarios. I’m learning to rein that in a bit more & my life has gotten much better for it.
      Think of all of this as learning how to use your superhero powers instead of perceiving them as a curse. :)

      *eg: someone says something, I ask for clarification on a definition, they say I’m overthinking & I tell them I’m not overthinking because when I heard the word in question my mind simultaneously gave me two definitions & I wanted to be clear on what was said.

    3. Reba*

      first, “spent a lot of time thinking of myself as an over-thinker” — ha.

      Thanks for sharing the link.

      It really grinds my gears when anyone’s thoughts are dismissed as “overthinking”–when often they aren’t, they are just inconvenient to the dismisser.

      So many things in the world seem have not enough thinking behind them. I really don’t think any of us using our brains any less is going to be for the good!

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I didn’t even see what I’d done there, that’s hilarious :)

        …they are just inconvenient to the dismisser.

        OH MY GOD. Thank you. I hadn’t got that far yet but I TOTALLY dismiss my own concerns in this way in work because I think they will be inconvenient to the other person.

        Something else to stop doing!

        1. TL -*

          Ha. I once had my high school ex’s stepdad tell me I overthought things and was too smart and that was bad because smart people were easier to torture…. I gave him a really confused look and said I wasn’t planning to join the military so I didn’t think it was a relevant factor.

          His favorite way of interacting with me – and most women, I think – was to neg and it frustrated the heck out of him that I didn’t respond by feeling bad but was always just confused why he was saying so obviously untrue.

    4. Betsy*

      I have always thought that the kinds of people who throw around accusations of overthinking are the kinds of people who just aren’t intellectually curious, so they get very bored of anything a bit more speculative.

      On the other hand, sometimes when people say this I think they mean ‘try not to worry too much; things will probably be OK’ and I’m happy to take this on as a reminder not to need to turn every possibility over in my mind.

  28. Kaz*

    I am really getting into bubble tea these days – does anyone have recommendations for good tapioca bubbles that come out reasonably soft at home? I bought some off Amazon but it required half an hour of boiling to get them pretty soft.

    1. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      Tapioca pearls do take a while to cook, between 30-45 minutes. That’s just how they are.

  29. Triplestep*

    Does anyone have any experience managing acid reflux with food choices and lifestyle changes?

    Backstory: I started taking a medication that can cause acid reflux, and I got it bad last weekend. I cannot stop taking this med, and I don’t have a generic or substitute. (One may be coming in May – we’ll see.) I do not have GERD or any other underlying medical problem. It is definitely being caused by the med that I need.

    Due to possible interactions, I cannot try herbal remedies or half of the OTC meds for acid reflux. I have been taking 20mg of Famotidine (like Pepcid) twice a day with pretty good results, but I would rather not manage the undesirable effects of one drug by taking another if possible.

    I already avoid processed foods for other health reasons (need to watch my sodium) and I started taking the necessary med on a full stomach, and not eating three hours before bedtime.

    Anything else I should be doing? Any foods I should be enjoying/avoiding? Any tips or tricks from fellow heartburn sufferers? Thanks in advance!

    1. fposte*

      Check last week’s free-for-all for some reflux discussion–the OP on that subthread was Nicole.

      Is this a permanent med or a temporary one, and if temporary, for how long? Aside from the processed foods, where are you on caffeine/chocolate/acidic foods intake? Are you a grazer or a big meal person? (Some people find large portions a problem, but others find that giving the old MMR some time to work between meals is really helpful.) Have you tried bed risers, which are pretty cheap, since it sounds like you’re talking nighttime issues?

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks, I will go check out last week’s entries on the subject.

        The med is permanent until something else gets FDA-approved. I limit my coffee intake to one cup a day in the morning, and I LOVE chocolate, but limit it since I’m trying to lose weight. I tend to eat multiple small meals in attempt to reduce calorie intake. (I find that I am hungry throughout the day regardless of how large my meals are.) It’s funny – I’m doing these things for other reasons, but it seems they should help in the acid relux area, too.

        Thanks for weighing in!

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have GERD that comes and goes, and unfortunately I also love foods that aggravate it. FUN. Things I have to avoid when my heartburn flares up:
      – Tomato products, like salsa and marinara sauce
      – Eggs – whites only are sometimes ok, but whole eggs are not
      – Citrus, especially juice
      – Cheese
      – Yogurt and cottage cheese
      – Wine and hard liquor
      – Too much coffee

      In those periods, I cut down on a lot of seasoning (I love spicy foods, so it sucks) and try not to eat too much that will produce a ton of gas. Beans aren’t terrible, though. Bread, rice, potatoes, tofu… All good when I have heartburn.

      1. Triplestep*

        Ugh, I’m sorry you can’t enjoy the foods you like.

        Yes, I found that in the aftermath last week, mashed potatoes were my friend. I was afraid to eat beans, but I may work them back in. If anything, the responses here prove to me that everyone is different and foods impact people differently.

        Thanks for taking the time to respond here!

    3. Rainy*

      A big spoonful of cold Greek yogurt swallowed without letting it warm up or thin out in the mouth is often a good sort of immediate “rescue” for the pain of acid reflux, for me.

      My experience is that acid reflux is one of those things that’s highly personal as far as food triggers go, so other people’s food triggers may not be that helpful for you. Keep a food and reflux journal, identify trends. And sleep either propped slightly up on your back, or else on your left side.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I agree–food triggers can highly differ. I used to have terrible heartburn, even if I avoided everything my doctor mentioned: avoiding spicy/oily/acid foods, not wearing tight clothes, not eating right before bed, sleeping elevated, not sitting/bending over too much. It was so bad that I would get it just from drinking water.

        My dad ended up getting his gallbladder removed to alleviate his symptoms. I haven’t looked into that yet. The only thing that helped me was Omeprazole, but I’m not supposed to be taking it continuously and I’m not sure if it will help you, OP. I suspect that losing weight will help me as well, but that remains to be seen for now!

        1. Triplestep*

          Thanks, both of you – yes, I’m beginning to see that it’s highly personal and I need to continue tweaking and keep track.

          I had not heard or read anything about the gallbladder, but I haven’t had one in 21 years, so that would not be a fix for me.

          Omeprazole, I believe, is one of the drugs I am allowed to take with the one that’s causing the issue (Pradaxa) but I plan to talk to my doctor about how long I can stay on any acid relux drug.

    4. Emac*

      I get really bad acid reflux at times. I agree with Rainy that the foods that trigger it are different for everyone – Greek yogurt is actually a big trigger for me.

      One non-medication remedy that I have tried is drinking a little bit of apple cider vinegar. I can’t remember what amount now, maybe a tablespoon or two. Though I used it as a preventative when I wasn’t experiencing symptoms, so I’m not sure if it worked because it just wasn’t flaring up at the time or because it really was stopping it from flaring up. And I’m not sure if it would have worked if I had done it after the symptoms started. So YMMV. I should try it again. I stopped because the taste is awful.

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks – I’m going to do some ‘net searching on that vinegar solution. I’m guessing it impacts one’s natural Ph somehow? Yes, it sounds awful, but if it works …

    5. Aluminosilicate*

      Sleep with the upper part of your body raised at an angle. I see bed risers mentioned above – lots of pillows can work too, as well as trying to avoid sleeping on your right side, due to the way the stomach and esophagus are oriented. Also as others have said, dietary triggers can vary a lot by person. You might have to experiment. I avoid cucumbers, mint, red wine, everything in the onion family,
      and anything too fatty.

      1. Triplestep*

        Oh, of course I am a right-side sleeper!

        I started to avoid onions, broccoli and anything acidic like tomatoes. But it does sound like I will need to play around with my diet and keep track. Thanks for weighing in here!

    6. Thlayli*

      Had it both times I was heavily pregnant and one of my babies had it for months. Things you can try:
      1 rennies (uk) / tums (US) or gaviscon
      2 sleep lying on your left
      3 sleep propped up on pillows
      4 do both 2&3
      5 carobel (don’t know if there is a UD equivalent) is a powder made from some type of bean (possibly soy?) that acts as a thickener. It can be added to any liquid or even to wet food and is almos tasteless. They use it with reflux babies and in oldfolks homes for bedridden people.
      6 there are medications for reflux that work by reducing the acid in your tummy, but obviously check with your doc that these can be taken with the medication you are on

      1. Triplestep*

        I just looked up Carobel, and it is definitely a UK thing, but I’m interested to find out how a thickener works for reflux. Thanks for mentioning it.

        I’m sorry one of your babies had it. I can’t imagine how helpless you must have felt. At least adults can reason that it will pass …

    7. Jessi*

      I don’t know if this may help you but I found Omaprentazol a lifesaver in dealing with my acid refux. It encourages the protien in your stomach to make less acid. I did a months course (about 5 years ago) and it got most of it under control for me.

      Some foods totally make it worse for me – corn chips I’m looking at you.
      I find eating really well helps. Foods that are high in fiber help soak up the acid – which I find really helps keep it under control and not eating oily things and then drinking cold water too

      1. Triplestep*

        I do think Omaprentazol is one of the drugs I can safely take with the required med, so thanks – I will be asking about that.

        So don’t eat anything oily and then drink cold water … interesting. I’m not sure what that would do, but I’ll try to avoid it. The high fiber soaking up acid makes sense. I think I may need more high fiber carbs in my diet. I’d been getting the fiber from veggies, but a lot of veggies exacerbate the problem.

        Thanks for chiming in here!

    8. Ann O.*

      I’m the worst at avoiding food triggers for mine–partly because I don’t have them figured out and partly because ever since I hit my mid-30s my body reacts to a ton of foods, so my starting point is already really limited.

      However, I did learn on the Internet that there’s a home remedy with drinking baking soda in water. It’s simple but for me, it was quite effective. I would talk to your doctor about it first to make sure there won’t be interactions and to see how frequently it’s safe to do.

      I also have a wedge under my bed, which seems to help.

      1. Triplestep*

        I think that baking soda and water is what they used to call a “bicarb” – a home remedy for gas. But I will look it up – thanks for the tip!

    9. Adele*

      Left side sleeping and even adjusting my sitting so I am leaning a bit left can help. Eating an apple helps but better to eat proactively so I buy bags of smallish ones so I can eat two or three a day. I find drinking g a Diet Coke helps counteract the burn, too–weird, I know. I try not to eat my main meal at noon and not eat at night. If I do eat in the evening, I avoid anything oily.

      1. Triplestep*

        I am a right side sleeper to the point that I’m sure I will find myself there in the middle of the night. But it’s good to know about leaning – I can do that at work after lunch.

        I’ve been afraid to eat apples becuase in the past they’ve been gas-producing for me. Maybe if I peel one it won’t be so bad. Funny about diet coke. I used to have a pretty bad diet coke habit, and my husband still does so we still have it in the house. Nice to know in case of emergency. Thanks for the tips!

    10. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have been fighting reflux for a while and have discovered that processed foods, high fat foods, pickles, tomato sauce, citrus, mustard, spicy foods, (pretty much all my favorite foods) were bothering me. I elevated the head of my bed on bed risers and it made a huge difference.

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks for the tips. I’m sorry you’re not getting to eat the foods you like. You and I are like jack sprat and his wife. I already avoid all the things you mentioned!

    11. Kuododi*

      I’ve completely stopped eating tomatoes or anything made with tomatoes, onions, spicy food and I have almost completely decaffeinated. Can’t take any of the PPI meds because of bad kidneys and their aggravating tendency to jack with my thyroid meds. For the most part that seems to keep things in check. I do miss things like a good thick beef chili in the winter. I also miss lasagna with marinara sauce. Just a minor nuisance!!!

      1. BatteryB*

        I can’t eat tomatoes anymore, but I’ve found that canned pumpkin purée is a good substitute. To me, it really doesn’t have much of a taste, and it takes on the flavor of whatever spices you use. I’ve made chili, spaghetti sauce, lasagna, baked enchiladas, etc.

      2. Triplestep*

        Thanks for the tips. I think avoiding tomatoes and tomato-based things is going to be the hardest for me. I had (unfortunately) given up most caffeine, chocolate, and others stuff I like for other health-related reasons. At least with reflux, it gives a very good physical reminder of why we aren’t consuming things we like!

    12. Too much information.*

      The other commenters have done a good job of telling you what you can’t have. As someone who has had this problem in the past, these are the things that I seem to tolerate. (I can’t verify that they’ll work for you.) Chicken soup (with rice, noodles and/or vegetables). Beef soup (with barley, rice, noodles and/or vegetables). Beef stew, Shepard pie, chicken breasts, lean beef, fish, cooked vegetables, most breads (try to stick to whole wheat). Gravy doesn’t seem to agree with me, but I do o.k. with a bit of broth used as an au jus.

      I’m afraid that these things make for a bit of a bland diet, but it is filling. Raw veggies and tossed green salads seem to make things act up. Apple slices can be microwaved if they cause problems.

      Also, since you are probably not going to be eating as many raw fruits and vegetables as usual, you might find yourself getting a bit constipated. I have not had good luck with laxatives (if they’re effective they’re usually too strong), but I find that using an over-the-counter probiotic helps. (I like Florajen.) I’ve also had good luck using stool softeners, and as a last resort. (They can also be heated up in bowl with water in your microwave.)

      1. Kuododi*

        Actually, going off your post, both my internist and my GI MD recommended a low fiber eating plan as a way to help manage the gastric distress. (Chronic heartburn and nausea with vomiting). IOW- cooked not raw veggies, easy on the raw fruits and multi grain products, very counter intuitive to everything taught these days about food and nutrition. Needless to say things do get backed up….my MD recommended Miralax as the most effective, least stressful laxative product. I have found it to be quite helpful FWIW. Good luck!!!

        1. Triplestep*

          Thanks, both of you, for the info. I think if I end up forgoing raw vegetables for the long haul, it is going to impact my innards pretty negatively. I have temporarily stopped pretty much all raw veggies this week, and I’ve already noticed a difference in the frequency I am … “evacuating”, lol!

      2. Too much information.*

        I meant to add “prunes” as a last resort. I’ve always heard about “stewed prunes” but being incredibly lazy I just put them in a bowl of water in the microwave and nuke them until the water is hot (but not boiling). Afterwards, drink the water, too.

    13. GERD is the worst*

      Ugh, so sorry. I’ve been managing GERD with no apparent cause except hormones for about 10 yrs. As others mentioned, food triggers are really personal – tomatoes and cooked onions are fine for me, while full fat dairy, dark chocolate, processed foods, carbonated beverages, alcohol, anything with chilis, and citrus are all a hard no. Things I’ve discovered lately that surprised me: all fruits are all relatively high in acid (which explains why chocolate covered raisins are THE WORST). Caramelization increases acidity in foods, which explains why Jeni’s salty caramel ice cream is sadly off the menu for multiple reasons. You might try reading the book Salt Fat Acid Heat if fat or acid in foods are clearly triggers (as opposed to foods that make your stomach produce acid) for some interesting chemistry background. If you keep drinking coffee, switch to cold brew.

      Things my gastroenterologist told to do that helped: raising the head of my bed (more than you think is necessary). No food after 8 pm, don’t lie down, try and stay fully upright after eating anything (thank you sit stand desk).I use gaviscon, not tums, for on the spot relief, it seems to work better. I take a PPI (protinix) and the doc recently added the generic for Zantac every night and that has helped a lot (more than anything else, I can sometimes eat like a normal person now). I find legumes (peas, beans, lentils, etc) can be triggers or maybe just the gas adds to the general discomfort.

      In general, Italian and French recipes tend to be safer. Too bad I love Mexican , Indian, and Thai. Coffee is the absolute last thing I will give up.

      1. GERD is the worst*

        Edit: don’t ever lie down after eating anything, not even a snack, not don’t ever lie down!

        1. Adele*

          Yep, agree. Never lie down until hours have passed from eating. Which is why I try to avoid eating at night.

  30. Wintermute*

    This started in another thread, but to avoid derailing things it had to be cut short, so here I present, in a more appropriate forum (sorry!)

    It started with a discussion of how to decline “Fergus” in Latin, I believe it’s fergus, multiple fergi. and declines Fergus, Fergi, Fergum, Fergi, Fergo, Fergo. So I decided to break out my best doggerel latin:

    Ecce Fergum:

    Fergus est a common nomen

    For a very special Roman.

    O! Ferge!

    cur torment me?

    usually when we have had a problem,

    Omnia have met a Fergum.

    Perhaps our workplace harmony

    is hampered per insolentia Fergi.

    perhaps for a boss who has gone cookoo,

    Fergus est en loco.

    O tempora! O mores!

    He clawed back a promised raise!

    or of a co-worker that does a no-no

    a writer speaks de ferguso.

    O! Detestabilis Fortuna!

    Today he microwaved a whole tuna!

    Alison! Defende nos!

    We suffer copia fergos!

    Many of us have been brought low

    by things wrought ex fergo.

    Manager or coworker, no workplace bliss

    is unmarred ex per fergis.

    and so we shout, unto the sky,

    de nostrorum omnium Fergi,

    Ask a Manager! protects us from

    actus iniquitus Fergorum!

    4. Confused Publisher*

      I laughed so loud my husband came in from the other room to ask what had gotten into me. Now we’re both cackling and reciting lines to each other.

  31. Snark*

    Winter is not exactly salad season, but I made two this week that were seasonal, insanely delicious, and easy.

    1) Sumo tangerines, green olives, and grilled halloumi cheese over butter lettuce. The halloumi is a squeaky, firm, salty Cypriot cheese that, rather unbelievably, holds up well to a hard sear in a cast iron pan or on the grill. Sweet, salty, savory, and crisp all play together so nicely. Nice next to some lamb chops.

    2) Roasted beets, grilled sweet onion, blue cheese, and walnuts. Kind of the same situation – deep, complex sweetness, cut by the bitter nuts and sharp cheese. Dynamite with steak.

    Any other winter salad ideas out there? I’m sick of braises and stews.

    1. Rainy*

      I really like a modified Cobb in the winter. (Modified because of my allergies.) It’s hearty and a full meal, and delicious.

    2. fposte*

      What do you do with radishes? I love radishes, and we’re now getting a very mild cultivar that is great for just eating out of hand, like tiny apples. The ones with bite can be impressively cut with oil/fat (bread and butter with radishes is *amazing*).

      Not a mixed salad, but ripe pears with blue cheese are wonderful. The cheese can be chosen for taste–I run mild, so I like a Fourme d’Ambert or even a Saga Blue–or just pick based on what’s likely to spread on a sliced pear, since drier blues are going to be a tougher combination.

      1. Snark*

        I love roasted radishes with anchovy butter. And the classic butter and radishes with bread is a pretty frequent player when we do cheeseboard night.

        And yes, blue cheese is magnificent in so many things, sweet or savory.

      2. Chocolate Teapot*

        I had a nice salad when I was last in Paris, which was mixed lettice leaves, grapefruit segments, fine matchsticks of apple and smoked salmon, with one of those mustard dressings.

    4. Isobel*

      Last night we had a salad of roasted squash (with a little oregano), sauteed mushrooms, puy lentils, and rocket (I think this is called arugula in the USA?), with a very simple vinaigrette (olive oil, balsamic vinegar, tiny bit of Dijon mustard).

      1. Snark*

        Ooh, I love the idea of earthy mushrooms and lentils together with the sweeness of squash. I’m totally making that. I never realized that butternut squash is easily peeled with a Y-peeler, and so I’m making it a lot lately.

        And yes, that’s called arugula in the US, but that’s kind of a new thing – my grandmother knew it as rocket.

        1. SC Anonibrarian*

          That reminds me of when we took my great aunt out to dinner at a very fancy fusion restaurant. The salad was tiny, just a scattering of all sorts of micro-greens and forage: purslane, arugula, dandelion, some ramps and mushrooms, I think even some wild grass grains. My aunt was not a tactful or quiet person and when the very fancy waiter placed the salad she told him he could take it right back to the kitchen because she wasn’t paying a day’s wages for a ‘mess of poor-folk greens I can pull out of my own back 40 whenever I’ve a mind to.’ We all diiied.

          1. Plague of frogs*

            I got home before my husband one day and took the opportunity to make a nice salad out of the dandelion greens in the yard, torn up small enough that he wouldn’t know what they were. Unfortunately he is quite perceptive. He took one look at it and said, “Did you pick these in the yard?” He still ate them, but wasn’t a fan.

            I liked them. They are nice very early in the spring, with a vinaigrette and some boiled eggs. Maybe with some other bitter greens like arugula, for a variation of texture.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          It’s also great with mango, rocket (aragula to you?) and yoghurt mint dressing. Or in roasted peppers with chilli flakes and lemon juice.

          I recently had a pretty amazing salad that I think included red cabbage, figs and clementines.

      3. Parenthetically*

        OK, so is halloumi essentially the same as paneer? Because if so, it’s ridiculously easy to make and so so much cheaper than store bought.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Endive, walnuts, cotija, grapefruit, balsamic.

      Roasted butternut squash, black lentils, goat cheese, arugula, warm red onion/bacon vinaigrette.

      1. Snark*

        Cotija is underutilized outside Mexican cuisine, and I can’t fathom why – it’s like creamy parmesan, people, jeez!

    7. Ally A*

      1. Arugula and roasted pear with toasted pine nuts and a vinaigrette with some maple syrup in it
      2. cabbage salad with apples and spiced pecans
      3. For the roasted beet salad you mentioned, consider also adding roasted red peppers – I love that in a salad with blue cheese, nuts, and steak
      4. I think all of these would also be good with some quinoa or orzo added.

      1. Snark*

        I feel like roasted peppers would have to be subbed in for the grilled sweet onion – otherwise, too much sweet going on.

    8. selina kyle*

      I love mandarin oranges in with some greens and almonds or walnuts – a nice vinagarette really puts it all together. Plus it’s cheap! I got hooked on them in college.

    10. Not That Jane*

      Smitten kitchen has several that I love: fennel/blood orange, a red cabbage salad with dates & feta, and a carrot salad with harissa and mint. You should be able to Google for them. :)

    11. Casuan*

      For tonight I’m planning to use my meager cooking skills to try to do some type of rice salad. I found a few recipes & I’ll adjust to the ingredients I have.
      rice, arugula, mirepoix…

      Wish me luck!!

    12. GoryDetails*

      I just had roasted sweet potatoes and fennel with pears; I like a nice balsamic dressing but you could probably dress it with anything from a spritz of lemon juice to your favorite creamy option. (If the pears are fully ripe they can go in raw; if they’re on the bit-too-firm side and you don’t want to wait, you can roast them with the veggies, or saute them.)

  32. I'm Over Pants*

    So, I think I’m done with pants. I took the plunge on a pricey pair of black denim pants that did not wash well and I’m just over it. Every once in awhile I will find some jeans that fit great and I do love to wear them from time to time, but I think I want to shift my entire winter wardrobe to work around leggings. And that includes work, too. I’ve taken up yoga in the past year and go to classes 2x/week during my lunch hour, so only having to change my bra/top is amazing (no hot yoga, I promise I’m not gross after!)

    My office is very casual, but not so casual that leggings-as-pants is okay! I’m also not really going for an “athleisure” look– I like wearing tall boots/fancy scarves/jewelry to dress things up. I have a couple tunic tops that get me through the week now that I’ve stumbled on randomly– at Kohl’s/Target– but if there’s anyone else out there that lives in leggings– I’d love to know where you’re getting tops that work with them!

    1. Rainy*

      Tunics with belts.
      Your summer dresses with a cardi over or a long-sleeve top (match it to the leggings colour) under.

      I feel you on the Tyranny of Pants. I stopped wearing them a while back and it’s only skirts and dresses for work now.

    2. Ron McDon*

      Have you tried jeggings?

      They are soft and stretchy like leggings, but look like denim jeans. I wear them all the time – black ones to work with heels/boots, blue ones at the weekend, nights out, to the supermarket…. I love them! They’re smarter than leggings for work, but just as comfy.

      Not sure if they’re just a thing in the UK though?

      1. I'm Over Pants*

        My jeans I do have are jeggings! I should have been a little more clear about that. I can’t imagine wearing stiff, non-stretchy jeans! I’ve been having a hard time finding jeggings that fit well in my waist/hips lately, unfortunately.

        1. JenM*

          I really like M&S jeggings. They have an elasticated waist and fit pretty well. Also they don’t lose their shape after multiple washes.

    3. Snark*

      I’m a guy, and I totally feel you on hating jeans. I really, really don’t like them. I’ve transitioned almost entirely to pants made of technical, quick-drying, stretchy materials that are cut like regular pants, and I’m never going back to heavy, stiff denim.

    4. Loopy*

      Meeeeeeeeee I did exactly this. However, I am not very stylish. I have about five A-line style comfy dresses, very casual, with pockets, and I put long sleeve black shirts under them with black leggings and soft ankle boots. No shirt recs, sorry :(

      1. I'm Over Pants*

        Honestly, comfy dresses with pockets sounds great! The only thing I miss about pants are the pockets at this point (I have some leggings with pockets but they’re a little too sporty-looking for work!)

        1. Loopy*

          I believe they are Lands End A line dresses, if that helps. They are so comfy and the pockets are brilliantly done!

    5. cat socks*

      I’ve also randomly found tunic tops at Target and Kohls. I wear ponte knit leggings year round and I prefer longer tops that cover my rear. I’ve had some luck at Nordstrom Rack and Land’s End. You may also want to try Macy’s, although I usually shop online there. Marhsalls and TJ Maxx might have stuff too. I know Amazon has a lot of clothing options, but I’ve never bought from them. I find the search options lacking, especially since I need petite sizes.

    6. Effie, who is pondering*

      I just discovered Betabrand yoga work pants and am so tempted! They’re yoga pants with real back pockets & belt loops and fake front pockets.

      Re: dresses with pockets, my go-to is Hell Bunny brand cotton dresses. Other readers have recommended eshakti which I have not tried.

      I also wear blousy and/or silky long tops that go past my hips with jeggings. I wear above-the-knee dresses with leggings (I have short legs so don’t look too sexy for work, may not work for longer-legged ladies). Tunic tops make me look too young.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Seconding the beta brand, I have a good friend who adores them – they looked very professional, and she said they were wonderfully comfortable.

        I live in leggings and ponte pants and honestly? I just wear a nice sweater. The leggings I wear are thick enough and structured well they just look like skinny pants, so that is all I need.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          I have some ponte skinny pants and leggings – one each from Costco, Eddie Bauer, Land’s End, and Banana Republic Factory. They vary in thickness and tightness but are great for a work look. I’m a bit self conscious so I always wear a long shirt or tunic.

          Long shirts and tunics – again with BR Factory (dressy button down shirts) and Old Navy (long sleeve tops). I have some of the plush knit long sleeve tops from ON and they are amazing.

          My issue isn’t so much with the material of jeans as with the need to zip and button. I want pants with a simple flat elastic waist – Athleta does this so well.

      2. Pretend Scientist*

        I bought a pair of Betabrand recently, in a color that was being discontinued so if they weren’t quite right, I wouldn’t be too mad. They’re great! Max and I had a seminar to go to on the weekend (therefore lots of sitting) after I got them, and they were awesome! No wrinkles or baggy knees.

    7. selina kyle*

      A gal I work with really loves Athleta for that type of look. A lot of it passes as work wear, but is apparently quite comfy!

      1. Erika22*

        I LOVE Athleta! Definitely second it for athletic clothing that works for the office. I have three pairs of pants from Athleta, and since they’re made for both exercise and leisure, they’re super comfortable and easy to move in while being much better than your standard black leggings (or even more athletic-looking yoga leggings). They’re a little pricey when full price, but they have an unlimited return policy, and they often have extra 20 percent off sale price deals. I highly recommend!

    9. MMM*

      This isn’t exactly answering your question, but I find Old Navy’s Pixie pants to be more comfortable than jeans, even though they are nice enough to be dress pants. They’re super stretchy and come in both ankle and full length, so the ankle could be good for a more casual work environment. They are literally the only work pants I own!

    10. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I have gotten cute tunic tops from Boden. They even have a tunic section but I wait till they go on sale.

    11. AKBlues*

      I do Pilates on my lunchbreak twice a week and I also wear my workout clothes to work and simply layer on top. I have 4 different Toad & Co Chaka skirts I thrown on over my leggings and then pair with sweaters or jackets on top. So comfy and okay for wearing at my semi-casual office.

    12. Fiddlesticks*

      Uniqlo! They have amazing legging-type pants with elastic waistlines that mock the look of regular pants with buttons and pockets! They are super easy to care for, I just throw them in the washer with their respective color families and they always come out fine. Super comfortable, reasonably affordable. I just checked and I think I own like 4 different pairs, two in black, one in navy and one in dark green.

    13. Fellow Traveller*

      I was not a legging fan until I was pregnant, and hey we’re the only thing I could stand to wear. Now I wear them all the time. I do have a couple of tunic tops, but I also will wear leggings with a short skirt- something about mid thigh length and in a casual knit or with a colorful pattern. Usually with pockets. If it’s longer than mid thigh, it ends up looking like I should be wearing tights.

  33. Sparkly Librarian*

    I filed my taxes yesterday. I would’ve liked to have done it earlier, but my employer stuck to the extreme deadline of Jan 31st for sending out our W-2s, and I also had to get forms from my banks. I was happy to find out last year that creditkarma.com (where I already had a free account) lets you file for free, for both Federal AND State returns.

    Are you an early or late filer? Any funny tax stories? Here’s one from a few years back, from another librarian-type I know: http://librarianavengers.org/2012/02/the-irs-was-kind-to-us/

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Nice! My federal return was accepted within 5 minutes (!!) but the state always takes longer. After last year’s surprise bill (new job for the wife but same withholdings, or something), I adjusted our 2017 W-4s and am getting a little bit back this year. Just in time to pay for the car window that got smashed while we were parked in the city earlier this week. :/

        1. Rainy*

          Yeah, the state here sends out paper checks, but filing so early, they sent mine out on the same day as my federal so I should get it soon, I think. Maybe Monday!

    2. nep*

      Early, at least to get my papers together. I pay an accountant friend to do my taxes. I always get my documents to her as soon as I’ve received them all.

      1. K.*

        Ditto, down to the accountant friend. They’re typically done sometime in February, and that was true when I was doing them myself. (I started having my accountant friend do them a few years ago when my finances were more complex than usual.)

    3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I normally don’t do it until late March or early April. I’m just a bit of a procrastinator there. I’d like to do it sooner, but realistically it’s just not going to happen. Probably never will.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I was always very early–until I owed money. For the last few years I’ve been waiting until about the end of March since any refund would be taken from the IRS. This year I’m happy to say I’ll be filing next week because I’ll be paying them off AND getting money back!

    5. periwinkle*

      We are firmly on the early side. My husband upgrades TurboTax at the beginning of January and starts getting antsy waiting for our various forms to show up. It’s just about the only thing he will never procrastinate on!

    6. fposte*

      I don’t know how many of these changes affect individual vs. business returns, but did you guys know the Senate budget plan rolled back some of the changes in the tax bill? Yes, that’s right, the last-minute changes that everybody’s scrambling to adjust to just got even *more* last-minuted.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Nooooooooo! I live in fear of having to file an amended return. (And I’m thinking about it now because I am not sure I claimed property taxes in 2015 or 2016. And that was what tipped the balance this year.)

        1. fposte*

          I’m trying to find out—it was kind of buried even on Wednesday when it was just the Senate plan, and I can’t find specifics about what was left when it eventually got approved by the House yesterday. A lot of the news focuses on stuff the tax law sunsetted that got re-allowed by the budget deal, and they’re drawn to the reinstatement of stuff like depreciating your racehorses. Which is great for headlines but not so helpful to me.

          1. Simone R*

            If the senate budget plan changed the tax bill that was passed in the end of December it shouldn’t effect your current return as that tax bill applies to 2018 not 2017.

            1. fposte*

              That’s a good point that a lot of it is, but some of it annoyingly goes back, like the change in the allowable medical deduction (that goes back to 1/1/2017, and there are a few things that go back farther). So it would be super cool if some financial journalist would just write something that says “You won’t need to change your tax filings because of the budget deal.”

              1. No regular name*

                Two changes that may impact your return: the Tuition & Fees deduction is back, as well as the deduction for mortgage insurance. These are 2 of the most common ones.

                1. fposte*

                  Thanks. Looks like some energy credits got put back, too. The advice that makes the most sense to me is that if you had something that would have been deductible in 2016, check out to see where it stands for 2017 now.

                2. Natalie*

                  Do you know if that is retroactive to this year, or just going forward? I just did ours on Friday and we would (potentially) be eligible if it’s retroactive.

    7. LadyKelvin*

      Ours are done, last weekend we submitted them. We do/did ours early because we have both been “victims” of security breaches, equifax and when the government security database was compromised, so basically everything of ours is out in the dark webs. This way someone doesn’t file our taxes for us, get a huge refund, and then we have to pay back the refund plus lawyer costs, etc that goes into proving to the IRS that our taxes were filed fraudulently.

      1. Rainy*

        My state now sends out refunds by paper check because this happened to a huge number of state residents, and apparently the state didn’t check anything and ended up “refunding” a few scammers a LOT of money.

      2. Natalie*

        I noticed my tax software asked us for DL info this time around, I assume partially because of those breaches.

    8. CAA*

      I have to wait for 1099-B forms from our investment accounts. The deadline for sending those is Feb 15th, so I’ll probably do our taxes next weekend.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Us too. I reckon we’ll try to get it filed ASAP but unfortunately we have 1099-DIVs coming too because we switched funds management last year, and those things are such a massive pain.

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Usually I’m an early filer. Last year was the first year I paid so someone to do them. I sold a bunch of stock I got from my job and wasn’t sure of the tax implications so thought it was time to bring in a professional. On my to-do list for tomorrow is checking if I have all of the forms so I can make an appointment.

    10. Nicole*

      Everything is ready to go but we haven’t filed yet because we owe (which we do intentionally), so we’re not in a hurry to give money more to the government.

    11. Oxford Coma*

      I’ve had ID theft issues and prefer to file ASAP to discourage that sort of thing, but in reality I file at the absolute last second because I need the time to scrape together every last penny to fill my IRA before the deadline.

    12. Aphrodite*

      Oh, I’m definitely an early bird. If I could do my taxes on January 2 I would. But mine got done yesterday so my refunds will show up within a week (if history repeats itself). What I find amusing is that people start griping more as the deadline nears and I’ll hear their grips and be puzzled for a few moments because that was soooooo long ago. Wasn’t it? Well, not for everyone.

    13. Jen*

      Medium. I usually file late because I usually owe a little, but I have things 90% done by early Feb.

      This year though we’re getting a 4 figure refund so I’m probably get them out in the next week or so.

    14. Book Lover*

      I have to wait for a K1 so always later than I would like. Before I always used to do them at the beginning of February. Hate the uncertainty now, as I can’t really plan well not knowing what the K1 will look like.

    16. SC Anonibrarian*

      We usually manage to get our ducks in a row around early March each year, and we always get a refund. I live in fear of owing the IRS so they’re welcome to the ‘loan’ of my overpayments if that means I know I’m safe. We try to balance it so we don’t get too much back, but there’s only so close you can get without rebalancing through the year. I actually used to do that when I did my mom’s taxes. She didn’t want to owe, but she also really didn’t want the government ‘using’ ‘her’ money. So i always checked it once a month for her and sorted it out – I kept her within either getting or owing $20 for about 5 years. I’m done with that bullshit now. I don’t have the time or energy to care.

      We did get ours done early this year because of *%#^*}% equifax. We aimed to get it done by the end of January and got them done Feb 5th (stupid slow credit union was NOT in a hurry) so I feel pretty good about it. I’ve been checking the mail daily for the last week.

      It’s already nuts at the library tho. We got our first call about tax forms before christmas this year, and we get fewer and fewer forms from the IRS every year (to give people for free) and people are always soooo pissed. Our state doesn’t provide any free forms at all unless you mail them a request, and then it takes forever for them to mail them to people.) It’s a giant yearly pain. What kills me are the people who come wandering in around May wanting tax forms and info then.

    17. Natalie*

      Well, that might be a reason to sign up for Credit Karma. I always do our state taxes by hand because I refuse to pay to file – the state form is short and easy so it’s not a huge deal, but I’d love to efile for obvious reasons.

      We filed our federal taxes Friday and I just have to mail the state. Somehow we owe the state even though our federal refund is huge (literally 10x what we owe the state). I don’t know what’s wrong with their withholding tables but for me, at least, they are jacked up.

  34. The Other Dawn*

    I need some advice today, please. (And sorry if the formatting is off. I’m typing this on my phone.)

    A former friend sent me a friend request on Facebook this past week after no contact for 20 years.

    For some background, we were friends in elementary school for a few years and then she waa moved to anothee school in the same town. We lost touch and then reconnected in freshman year of high school. We remained friends for about 12 years until i decided i didn’t want to be friends anymore.

    My reasons for wanting to end the friendship were the one-sidedness of the friendship that eventually evolved, as she had depression and some other issues. I spent many years listening to her bash men, bash her son’s father in front of her son, blame all her problems on others and basically do nothing to help herself. Being on the phone with her for several hours at a clip was so mentally exhausting and i just couldn’t do it anymore, so i ended it.

    Over the years I’ve thought about her. I miss the good parts of the friendship, like the great talks we had and the fun we had before she started being the victim in her life.

    I’m very torn on whether i should accept the request or not. I realize it’s just Facebook, I have the power to control it and I now live further away, but I’m worried what’s going to be invited back into my life. I’m not sure if i should give it a trial run or just forget it altogether.

    1. 14 years*

      I wouldn’t. Facebook is toxic enough without inviting it in. Do you have any reason to reconnect? That sounds cold, but you’re not gaining anything other than negativity (probably)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Part of me really does miss what used to be, before she decided she was a victim of everyone else. And also I can’t help but wonder if she’s changed for the better. Normally I’m not so charitable in my views of people, but for some reason I’m hoping she’s changed. The request has been sitting there for a week and I still can’t decide. I’m by no means ready or willing to go meet up for lunch, but I’m not 100% against exchanging a few emails. I guess I don’t want to have to dump her all over again.

    2. periwinkle*

      It’s too easy to forget the negatives when you fondly remember the positives. I had a friend like that, and although I miss some parts of our friendship, I remind myself of why it’s over. Emotional vampires are too exhausting.

      Granted, maybe your friend is now better at coping. You could accept her request and limit what she sees on your feed until you get a better idea of what she’s like now. Just tread cautiously.

      1. Ron McDon*

        You’re so right. We sometimes look at the past through rose-tinted spectacles. I would suggest you had really compelling reasons to dump her all those years ago, but it may be that the not-knowing will eat away at you if you don’t reconnect. I’d second what periwinkle says, if you do connect then be cautious and tread carefully.

        Good luck!

    3. Overeducated*

      I would accept. There is a pretty vast distance between passively reading facebook updates and being on the phone for hours of complaints.

    4. LadyKelvin*

      I wouldn’t, my rule is that if I have to wonder if I should accept them I don’t. That way my facebook is a stress-free fun zone that I only use to keep my family updated on our adventures (we live 5000 miles away from my hometown/every member of my extended family).

    5. Thlayli*

      I would accept – maybe she is over her depression and back to her old self. If not you can unfollow.

    6. Casuan*

      Dawn, if you want to to give your friend a chance in hopes that she’s changed, then go for it. Just mentally prepare yourself that your friend might not have changed & decide in advance how far you think you’re willing to go to make this determination. From my own experience with personalities like you describe, I doubt she’s changed much.
      Can you look at her Facebook page (or is she on other social media) so you can get a sense of how she is now?
      If not, I don’t think you’ll hurt anything by accepting the request. Just proceed with caution. There’s no right or wrong here.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Just in case anyone is still reading, I’ve decided to delete the friend request. It occurred to me that rather than thinking, “Hmm I wonder how she’s doing,” I’m thinking, “Hmm, I wonder if she’s still the same.” That, along with the fact that I’m still sitting on this request after a week and have had to ask several people in my life, as well as people here, what I should do speaks volumes. Thanks for your help, everyone!

  35. Cappuccino*

    I have a wedding based question that I’m hoping some of you can help me with.

    My partner and I have started talking about getting married, but we’re both really worried about our families coming together as they are so very different.

    One family is quiet, conservative, and low key. One family is the loud, party animal type. I can just picture both families together in a room and I can just imagine the disdain towards the louder family.

    We’ve come up with few options, but there are cons to all of these:
    *Invite parents, siblings, aunts and uncles only, to keep things on a smaller scale.
    *Have two separate celebrations with both families on different dates.
    *Have a party, but warn the quiet and reserved family that the other family can be loud and overbearing. I’d also probably let them know that we wouldn’t be offended if they left the party early.
    *Nicely ask the worst culprits in the loud family to be mindful of keeping the noise down.
    *Don’t have a party – perhaps go for a meal afterwards with parents, siblings, aunts and uncles?

    What would you do?

    1. 14 years*

      Elope! Ha ha I only say that bc I wish I had. Unless you have the money, have one party and yes warn both sides. You can pull out the “It’s MY day!” card, too. As long as they’re not jerks, just different, hopefully they’ll be respectful.

    2. fposte*

      What about option 19–not managing your families’ feelings about one another? It’s okay if they don’t hit it off immediately–or ever–and if you guys have managed to understand that people have different styles, I bet they have too. If there’s somebody who’s genuinely a jackass and not just a different style, assign another relative to Uncle Funky for the first meet, but other than that, plan an occasion that will please you two and don’t be offended if some people leave early to go to bed and others hit the bars afterwards.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes yes yes. Let other people manage their own emotions and responses. You don’t have to take responsibility or ownership there AT ALL.

      3. Turtlewings*

        This. It would probably be a good idea to mention to each side that the other tends to be very [insert trait here] so don’t take their behavior personally, but after that, they’re grown-ups who (a) hopefully can be polite to strangers for a little while, (b) don’t actually have to be friends in order for your life to proceed happily.

    3. nep*

      That is a challenge, all right.
      The first thing that came to my mind is elope. But from the options you threw out there, I’d say a low-key meal after.

    4. Pixel*

      I would have the wedding and reception that suited me and my partner, and let our families deal with their own feelings. If you want a smaller wedding, that’s fine but don’t do it to keep the families apart. If you want a massive blowout party, go for it. These people are adults, presumably, so they can handle being around people who are different from themselves for one day. Don’t try to manage their feelings for them, you will have enough to do planning the wedding!

      And congratulations on being ready to start the talking about getting married.

    5. nep*

      I do like the approach and principle some are suggesting — you do you and let family members on both sides ‘cope’ as they will…awkward moments and all. Do what your gut says will be right for your wedding day.

    6. Overeducated*

      What about finding a venue with multiple spaces for guests to hang out during the reception? A good friend of mine had one in some kind of historic estate house type place, there was a big room for the dinner, dancing, and loud party folks and a smaller room with seating nearby where some of us went to chat and catch up on life. It was really nice.

      That said, this is one day, they never have to see each other again after this, so don’t worry too much.

    7. Rainy*

      As someone in the middle of wedding planning–don’t have two.

      Seriously. Planning and paying for one is bad enough. Just have the wedding you want, and don’t manage your families’ feelings. They are grown human beings and should be managing their own feelings.

      1. Natalie*

        Co-sign. We had a second reception in my husband’s home town that we didn’t plan or pay for, and even that was kind of a pain. Have one wedding, and let the chips fall where they may.

    8. Forking Great Username*

      Although obviously I don’t know either of your families, I don’t think this has to be so complicated – throw the wedding you two want. The people who want to be loud and crazy will be on the dancefloor. The people who would rather just stay at their table and chat will do that.

    9. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I know this approach isn’t for everyone, but can you embrace the awkwardness/weirdness? I was actually disappointed that my wedding didn’t have more weird moments in it. Sometimes you can shift your perspective and find it funny. (Obviously that doesn’t work if people are genuinely going to have their feelings hurt, but if it’s just mild discomfort and awkwardness … well, there can be real humor in that if you embrace it.)

      I know I’m not normal about this though.

    10. kas*

      As others have suggested, I would plan the wedding I want and stop thinking about the what ifs. Is it possible to have get togethers with both of your families before the wedding? That way they can mingle with eachother beforehand.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      There’s a lot to be said about controlling the behaviors of a group by controlling the room they are in.

      I am thinking a nice restaurant, where they have to sit down and eat in what feels like a public space, even if the restaurant is closed for your party.
      You can set the tone also by carefully choosing the lighting and the music.
      Another boundary you can set is by stating on the invitation that the reception is from x time to y time. Fifteen minutes before the end of the party have the staff announce that it is time to leave as they will be closing.

      While I do understand the concept of letting people find their own path sometimes we need to pave the way. “Look folks, let’s all go in this direction.” In your case, these two families will be in and out of each others lives for the rest of your life. It would be handy if they got along semi-well.

      If you go with this type of approach, expect minimal to NO results and be happy/surprised if a few of them click with each other. That is to say, keep your expectations low then you will be less disappointed and more willing to just chalk it up to the differences in people.

      I do believe in staging a room to help get better results. My boss uses the same school of thought also. We have both seen too many times where the room set up has smoothed the path for people to make connections with each other.

      I staged a reception after a funeral. This was a group of people who were barely on speaking terms with each other. There were little pockets who would talk to each other but they would not talk to other pockets of people.
      I had the restaurant put the tables in a U shape. there was NO “head” of the table. No one could be accused of trying to “run” the group. They could seat themselves next to whomever they wished. Next, the restaurant was a really interesting building with lots of antiques to look at, this distracted them. Some of them wandered around to look at all the cool stuff, conversations popped up just in this process. Since some people were friends not family this helped to dilute other issues as the friends would join in conversations. Last, the food was outstanding. They got a great meal and they were all happy with it.
      Then they went home. No bad behaviors, no arguing, no big scenes, nothing. (Granted yours don’t argue, they are just loud. But you get the general idea.)
      I am not saying this is some magic cure-all. But if you guys land on doing this reception, controlling the setting might be something to consider.

    12. Thlayli*

      Option 1: as others have said do what you want and don’t worry about other people’s feelings. Especially don’t worry about the “disdain”. I myself am an outgoing friendly charismatic person /annoying headwrecker (depending on who is doing the describing) and I can assure you we could give a flying crap about other people’s opinions of our behaviour.

      Option 2: if you really want to manage their feelings have a Wedding in a place with two spaces – have the meal and dancing in a room with a bar but have a quieter lounge area outside where the quieter people can go to sit and chat. But bear in mind how this will interact with smoking section also as a nice comfy smoking section will attract both types so you would need two smoking sections as well then. Or else an uncomfortable smoking section to drive the smokers back t their areas ASAP.

    14. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      There’s also no requirement that your reception has to be evening/open bar/dancing.

      If you get married in the summer, you could do an luncheon reception indoor or outdoor. English teatime/garden party might be cute theme. Get married at 10 am, reception is lunch in a garden from 12-3, serve wine only if you want alcohol. Beautiful and likely no one will get too wild with the sun still out. Might save you some money too.

    15. Jingle*

      I know a few people have suggested eloping already, but I just wanted to say – this is really a viable option, and I say that as someone who did it. Our reasons for eloping had some overlap with yours, with the added complexities of divorced parents (on both sides) who don’t get on. Trying to figure a way to have a wedding that everyone (including us!) would enjoy, and that wouldn’t cost the earth, just seemed impossible. And even more importantly for us was that we are quiet, private people, and we both hated the idea of being the centre of attention.

      So we eloped. We told our very closest family beforehand, as we didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and they (and everyone else later) were delighted for us. We went overseas on a long-scheduled trip very far away and married there, with all the bits of a wedding that we wanted (dress, ceremony, photographer, rings) & none of the bits we didn’t (flowers, cake, rigmarole). And I think flying far away for our wedding helped as none of our friends or family would have wanted to pay to come to a wedding so far away if they had been invited. We announced our wedding via email and Facebook afterwards and invited family and friends to celebrate with us over very small dinners on our return (which was great – each was us and one friend/family, and we got to spend the time to really connect with each person).

      So this is all a very long winded way of saying that eloping can be an option if you want. Of course go for the traditional wedding if that’s right for you, but also know that you can choose to keep/change any element of it to make it work for you!

    16. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      In my extended family, there really isn’t contact with the inlaws outside of weddings, funerals, etc. Even birthdays were separate (space issues). As long as everyone is going to be polite and at least pretend to be friendly, it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks.

    17. Blue Eagle*

      Warn both families that they are going to a celebration similar to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and it is not appropriate to call one family “dry as toast” nor is it appropriate to lambast the more exuberant family.

    18. Jacquelyn*

      What do you want, really? You don’t say whether you want a small gathering, a big party, or just a simple dinner so it is hard to give advice.

      What does your wedding mean to you? I think this question is really important before you decide what to do. I can understand why some people would want to elope, but for me personally, my wedding was not just about me and my husband, it was also about us each joining each other’s families. Also, our wedding was the only time in our lives when everyone we love would be present in the same room (people rally to come to a wedding) – there is something special and particularly moving about that! I just had to chime in about that since a lot of commenters have suggested eloping.

      Are your families the type to put aside their feelings and discomfort to make the day about you, or are you worried about a scene? If it is the former, you do you and let everyone manage their own feelings! If it is the latter, can you get someone you trust to intervene if needed so you can feel more serene?

      Good luck and congratulations!

  36. Mischa*

    It’s been an interesting year. I started law school, and subsequently was diagnosed with depression and ADHD. As a 25-year-old woman, the ADHD was a huge surprise. I was, and still am, extremely fidgety, but my main problem since childhood is that my mind wanders and I daydream a lot. Despite that, I did well in school. It was easy for me, so it wasn’t a problem that I didn’t pay much attention in class. Law school is a different story altogether, and I struggled the first semester (for my standards/academic history, at least — I did fairly well objectively speaking, but not as well as I could have done). Now I’m having to relearn how to study, and I’m having to figure out how to work with my brain, not against it.

    Has anyone else been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as an adult? Any coping mechanisms, organizational tricks you would like to share? I’m curious to hear your stories.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Yep. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 28. Adderall helps me a lot, although my ability to take it has always been inconsistent (in the US it’s so heavily controlled, then I lived in a country where it was very illegal, and now the health system in the country I’m in is such a pain that I can’t face dealing with them to try to get a prescription).

      I’m still trying to figure out the strategies that work best for me, but one thing that’s helped me a lot is to do what I “feel like” doing. I don’t mean that I just play video games all day, but if I have to do A, B, and C and B’s the only thing I really feel like doing, well, I do B. Even if A or C is more urgent. That way I’m still accomplishing something–if I try to do A or C, I know myself well enough to know that I will get nothing done anyway. Obviously there are limits to this, but it’s still helped my productivity a lot even if things sometimes get weird too.

      Also, active reminders help me a lot more than passive ones. I loathe to-do lists even though a lot of people with ADHD seem to swear by them (I either forget I made one or the thought of looking at it stresses me out and I avoid it), so I set up Google Calendar reminders to email myself things I need to do at the appropriate time (which is, for me, when whatever it is is very close; I don’t need to know I have a doctor appointment 2 weeks ahead of time, but I do need to know the day before).

      1. Mischa*

        I just started Ritalin, and I’m not sure what I think about it. Luckily, it was easy finding an anti-depressant that worked for me, but I have a feeling that finding an ADHD med will be a different story. Ritalin is heavily controlled like Adderall, and it’s expensive – I spent $80 on a two week low-dose supply. I died a bit on the inside. Yay for awful insurance!

        I like the idea of active reminders! It sounds similar to what I do with my calendar on my iPhone, which is linked to my school email/calendar client.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          If you’re in the US you should check out GoodRx, a free discount card thing. I have the app on my phone. I use that for my Adderall because my new insurance company wanted me to switch meds so they won’t pay for even the generic Adderall. I got a 30 day supply for $40. Not all pharmacies will accept it for controlled substances, but my local Kroger does.

          1. Mischa*

            I have a dog on various medications so I’ve used GoodRx for a few years. It’s been a lifesaver — he’s epileptic, so without GoodRx I would be paying hundreds a month. I’m planning on calling the pharmacies around town to see if they’ll take it for controlled substances like Ritalin/Adderall.

      2. Dr. KMnO4*

        I agree with the pop-up reminders. They help a LOT.

        Adderall has probably been the thing that has made the biggest difference for me. I survived grad school (barely) without meds, and was struggling to stay on top of things as a professor until I started on Adderall. Now I can actually grade a stack of papers without losing focus 20,000 times.

      3. Lindsay J*

        I feel like it’s somewhat of a cruel joke how difficult it is to get and maintain an Adderall or Ritalin prescription.

        I waited too long a couple months ago to pick up my meds from the pharmacy. So then I had to make a new appointment to go back to the doctor for a whole new visit to get a new prescription written so I could get them.

        Or another time the pharmacy the prescription was sent to did not have the meds to fill it and wouldn’t for a few days. And again, it couldn’t just be sent to another branch in the same chain. I would have had to go back to the doctor to get them to write a new prescription to send to the other chain.

        I already have difficulty getting things done to begin with. Never mind getting them done twice!

        I understand why they have to keep the drugs on a tight chain, but it’s really frustrating in the moment.

        And getting my most recent job was a pain in the butt. There was no other procedure available other than to fail the drug test, then contact the drug officer and tell them about the prescription, and then have them get the prescription number and follow up from there with the pharmacy and the doctor. I knew I was going to pop for amphetamines on the pre-employment test before I took it, but there wasn’t any procedure for a preemptive notification even though I brought all my meds with me to the test.

    2. Cat*

      I haven’t been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD but I am a similar age to you and did see a therapist for some similar study issues. It was kind of helpful but I still honestly have a lot of issues with managing workload and procrastinating on large projects. The most helpful thing for me was this pomodoro website (http://mytomatoes.com/) because it helps me feel like I am accomplishing things even if my progress is slow. I don’t always follow their timer exactly but it’s a good general guideline for me. I don’t really keep track of time very well on my own so being able to have something that would quantify my work for me was rewarding. I’m interested to see what other people’s techniques are too though!

    3. Nacho*

      I was diagnosed a few times as a kid, but never bothered taking it seriously till college since I got straight As in highschool. No real advise, except to tell you it really sucks. Make sure to get enough sleep- all nighters are pointless since you’ll just stop paying attention half way through anyways. Try medication if you want to focus better, but be aware that it makes you feel really weird. I don’t like it personally, but then I didn’t exactly pass college with flying colors, so you might need it.

    4. anonymous for this*

      I was diagnosed with ADHD in college and went to law school directly after. Kudos to you for recognizing early on that one key is learning to work with, not against, your brain! That’s a great nonjudgmental perspective on things that took/is taking me a long time to learn. Like you, I did fairly (objectively) well in law school, but felt I was struggling because school had previously been fairly easy for me.

      One thing I recommend is seeing if your law school, or the greater university it is part of, has an education specialist available. I found the one at my law school by going through the Dean of Students’ Office, then to someone who I believe was called the “accessibility services coordinator” or something like that – she handled accommodations for students. I was able to meet with an education specialist every few weeks who helped me develop strategies for dealing with the particular ways law school did not mesh well with my ADHD. I also recommend looking into accommodations if you think they would be helpful. For example, when I asked not to be assigned a seat in the back row of an 80-person classroom, my school happily seated me towards the front where I could concentrate with fewer distractions.

      As for specific coping mechanisms, I deliberately selected professors (to the extent practicable with the courses I wanted and needed to take) who did NOT cold call. I strongly preferred professors who took volunteers or assigned everyone a few days per semester or one day of the week to be “on call,” because I find being the target of a random cold call highly distracting. I also tried to mix in a class or two with a final paper rather than an exam to give my brain different kinds of tasks to work on around finals time, as well as (usually) some timing flexibility; I could take my two or three exams as scheduled, then leave town and work on papers due the last day of exam period in my boyfriend’s nice quiet apartment while he was at work. I also gave myself permission to do less in terms of extracurriculars, housekeeping, etc. because I exerted a lot of extra energy managing my ADHD characteristics in the context of law school. During exam reading period if I was too drained to cook nightly, I ordered more takeout without giving myself a hard time about it. I lived in the dorms so as not to pile subletting a place for the summer on top of the transition between the semester and summer jobs. I told my family I’m sorry, but I can’t travel home for Thanksgiving because a writing assignment is due. About this strategy, I will say that it can be really hard to see others doing All The Things in law school while not being able to do as much yourself, and I often felt inadequate for not being able to get great grades and make law review while also volunteering at a clinic 3x per week, going out to social events all the time, etc. Looking back now, though, I am glad I focused on my grades and a few key extra things because it helped me make the most of the opportunities I had in my own way.

      You did not ask for comments on this, but I hope you don’t mind my sharing it: I too, was diagnosed with depression – specifically situational depression – while in law school. I know several other lawyers with ADHD who had similar experiences in law school. I just want to say that, if you think the circumstance of being in law school is related to your depression, for me and others I know, law school and law practice are worlds apart and practice is so much (SO MUCH) better!

      1. Cor*

        I came here to comment on the depression bit too. The first year and a half of law school is AWFUL. Studying for the Bar is AWFUL. But practice can be fun and filled with interesting stuff. You have to push through to get to the good stuff, though. Good luck!

        1. Mischa*

          I’m planning on treating myself to a vacation after the Bar, because holy cow it sounds amazingly painful.

      2. Mischa*

        I just want to say that, if you think the circumstance of being in law school is related to your depression, for me and others I know, law school and law practice are worlds apart and practice is so much (SO MUCH) better!

        That’s good to hear! Unfortunately, the depression has been there since high school, if not longer. Law school just brought out the worst of it, in that my coping mechanisms failed brilliantly.

        My school will make accommodations for ADHD around exam time, so I am going to look into pursuing that. I also have a professor who I am going to work with on study skills. Thankfully, assigned seating isn’t done at my school (to my knowledge, at least — I’m just a 1L), but I always sit up front anyhow and never use a computer because of the distractions. I haven’t even sought accommodations yet, but I’ve been blown away at how accepting and nonjudgmental the faculty and staff have been with helping me.

        Learning how to say no has been really difficult, especially to family around the holidays. Last semester, I way overcommitted to extracurriculars, coupled with the crippling depression and the undiagnosed depression…it was a disaster. But I’m getting better at putting myself first, and it’s a really empowering feeling.

        Thank you so much for sharing your story with me — I truly appreciate it!

    5. LilySparrow*

      I was diagnosed at 44. I was a straight-A student through high school, and graduated college cum laude.
      I’m more prone to hyperfocus than be distractible. My big problems are consistency and follow-through, and managing my time without external structure. That’s why school and jobs were relatively easy, while building a long-term career, running a household as a mom, keeping the checkbook balanced, and things like self-care are really hard.

      Digital stuff is great for storage & retrieval, like putting the address & directions in a calendar appointment. But for planning, agendas, and timers I’m much better with concrete analog solutions: pen & paper, physical timers in another room, etc. Making things tactile makes them real, while digital reminders are easily filtered out, like annoying ad popups.

      If you haven’t read “smart but scattered,” I highly recommend it. It’s got a great approach to seeing what your particular strengths & weaknesses are, with recommendations on ways to adapt.

      Everybody’s cluster of traits is different. It’s also a very positive book that devotes space to the advantages ADHD wiring can give as well.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Adderall also helped me finish my second book. It’s done good things for me but it does have downsides. It helps overcome my procrastination and inertia, but makes me hyperfocus even more. So I’m even more prone to lose track of time.

        I’m less tense & crabby about interruptions because it helps my working memory and I don’t have to panic about forgetting what I was doing. But I get very irritable in the evening when it’s wearing off.

        One of the things I like best about it is that it mitigates my sensory overload, so I can deal with crowds or shopping without being so exhausted. I do have to take a break from it every 7-10 days, or I have trouble sleeping.

        YMWV. Your mileage absolutely will vary. That’s the nature of ADHD. You’ll vary yourself over time, too.

        1. Mischa*

          That’s good to know. The first few days of Ritalin I was murderous when it started to wear off, but now I’m not really aware that it’s fading. I typically go to the gym when it starts to fade or eat a snack so I think that helps a bit. I feel like it almost makes me hyperfocus, but hyperfidgety. And fidgeting is annoying. But you take some, you lose some.

          I’ll check out that book — thanks!

      2. teclatrans*

        Ooh, thanks for the book rec, that is one I had missed. For understanding an adult diagnosis (as a woman), Shari Solden’s Women and ADHD was a game-changer for me. She describes exactly the mechanisms you mention — women who do well with support and structure, and then get overwhelmed at some later stage (PhD/law school, managing a household, etc.). I know one woman, a terrific, successful pediatrician, whonwasndiagnosed in her 60s because loss of estrogen at menopause was the final straw. Oh, and I don’t know how much that book can work for men, but it is the first and only book I have found that described ADHD in a way that I deeply relates to, as Inattentive type.

        The thing thay has made the most difference for me is understanding and embracing my neurodivergence. There really are ‘easy’ things that take up so much more of my energy than they would someone else’s, and there is no shame in getting help or treating that task like the mountain it is. Even if it’s something like cleaning your room or managing your mail.

    6. Lindsay J*

      I was diagnosed as a child, but around middle school really began internalizing the narrative that it was overdiagnosed and just used to control difficult kids, etc, and so I went off of meds when I hit high school, and didn’t really accept that I had it as an adult.

      One thing that made me accept it was working with another person who clearly had untreated ADHD and realizing that most neurotypical people don’t put stuff in a microwave and forget about it for hours on end, but we both sure did.

      Another was reaching the point where my boyfriend was driven nuts to the point where he posted in a relationship forum about me doing stuff like not cleaning up after cooking and doing what he felt was “half-assing” everything and having pretty much all the comments be like “Yo, does she have ADHD, because it sounds like ADHD?”, I was having stuff pile up undone at work because I just wasn’t doing them, I missed an important appointment because I just plain forgot about it, etc.

      One of the things that has always helped me is check-lists – both written down and in my head. That way if I do get drawn off track, I can return to the point that I was on the list and finish the task. It’s also helped me kind of internalize that the task isn’t done until all parts of it are done. So the cooking isn’t done until the food is made and in a serving plate, the pots and pans and dirty dishes are rinsed and in the dishwasher, the dishwasher is on, and the counters and stovetop have been wiped down. Before “cooking” and “cleaning up” were two discrete tasks and I would often forget to do the “cleaning up” part.

      Similarly, I have a bullet journal type thing where I try to write everything down in it as soon as it enters my head. If I think, while I’m in the process of cleaning up, “Oh, I need more All-Purpose cleaner”, I’m definitely going to forget that by the time I’m able to go to the store. However, if I jot it down in my bullet journal I can either have an on-going grocery list in there, or at the very least transfer it to a list right before I go shopping and I don’t have to bother trying to keep it in my head. Same goes for appointments, work tasks, whatever. If it’s in the book I can look in the book and don’t have to try to remember it and have less clogging up my brain.

      I generally need something else going on in the background when I’m being productive. I’ve never liked music, but I have a bunch of tv shows that I have seen dozens of times and so don’t really have to pay attention to to know what is going on. I feel I work more efficiently with something going on rather than nothing. It kind of keeps my brain calm I guess.

      I need to limit time I spend on the internet or playing games on my cell phone. I know I hyper-focus on those things and lose all semblance of time management. I could happily spend 8 hours on Reddit and have it feel like 30 minutes to me.

      I’m working on more rigidly scheduling my out of work time in general. I’ve avoided this before because, with my depression, it sometimes feels overwhelming knowing/feeling like I need to do things and I just can’t go home and sit around like a lump if it’s a bad day. But scheduling in time for cooking, straightening up, etc, when I am able to follow it, makes me feel more “together” than if I just do things when I decide I am ready, (which might be never).

      Also, I try to build small wins into my schedule early in the day so it feels like I’m being productive. (And they are also things I need to do to feel well, anyway.) So the beginning of my to-do list includes things like “Brush my teeth,” “Make my bed,” “Eat breakfast,” “Take my meds,” etc. They’re all quick t0 do – like 1-5 minutes each – give me a bunch of things to cross off, and get me into the groove of “doing stuff” early on in the day, which I can then carry on to bigger tasks like checking my email, working on projects, etc.

    7. Lindsay J*

      Also, I found this article very helpful because it was one of the first things that I read that presented ADHD in the way that I experienced it.

      I was smart enough to mitigate the effects of it in school, and I never had they hyperactive type, but the inattentive type.

      I was high achieving, intelligent, etc. I didn’t fit the stereotype of someone who couldn’t sit down and shut up when they needed to.

      But losing my keys. Living in garbage because I didn’t have the mental capacity to get rid of it, etc. This was me. (I think the moment where it clicked for my boyfriend that I really wasn’t just doing this crap on purpose was when he found used tupperware in the linen closet. I clearly put it in there. But I have no idea what I was doing or thinking when I did it.)

      https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/adhd-is-different-for-women/381158/

    8. Lindsay J*

      I’ll add on that for me, basically my ADHD is entirely executive function issues.

      The best way I can put it to laymen or just plain people who haven’t experienced it is that my brain can’t prioritize what is important and what is not.

      So, say, remembering where I put down my keys is not important, so my brain just doesn’t encode or retain that information. Starting this work task isn’t important, so my brain will not do it. Throwing away this garbage is not important so I’ll do it later.

      On the other hand, winning this cell phone game is very important, so I will spend 5 hours doing that. Having this specific pen is very important for writing this essay so I will spend hours tearing apart my room and my car to find this specific pen even though I have 10 more perfectly good pens. Rearranging my room at 10PM is important so I will do that instead of sleeping. Brushing the dog right now is important so I will drop everything I am in the middle of to brush the dog right now.

      The adderall, and sticking to routines, (so my keys are on the hook by the door because I ALWAYS put my keys on the hook by the door as soon as I get home) are the best way to mitigate this.

  37. Anon for Reasons*

    A question for those who live in a state where marijuana is legal.

    Does it help at all with migraines? I’m prone to migraines (triggers are not enough food, big change in caffeine intake, and being more or less menopausal). I have meds I can take if I feel one coming on, but if I get the timing wrong, I’m stuck with a headache, and no over-the-counter pain meds help.

    I’d be looking into edible marijuana as I don’t want to stink up my clothes and because the rest of the household (husband with job requiring security clearance/drug testing, teenage kid) can’t partake. And I’d start very slow as I’m practically a teetotaler (no pot since college, no other drugs ever, and I drink alcohol maybe once or twice a month).

      2. Rainy*

        It’s so individual it’s going to be hard to say. I know people that swear by any/all forms of pot for their depression, some who do but only specific types/cultivars, same with anxiety, but I also know people whose anxiety is made significantly worse by any type of weed.

      3. Thlayli*

        I gave up smoking dope because it caused me to feel anxious. I had a few bad experiences when I got totally stoned and then after that the smallest amount made me terrified over every little thing.

        That said, I’ve had a bit once or twice in last few years and not had that experience so maybe that aspect of it has faded and it would be safe for me to try it again.

        Also some strains are proven to increase the risk of some mental illnesses so do a ton of research from reputable sources before trying to use it to treat mental illness.

      4. Crafty*

        It absolutely saved me from my anxiety, nothing else worked that wasn’t a controlled substance with horrible side effects! I have personally found that for migraines/headaches it’s neutral, but it really all depends on the person.

    2. Headachey*

      For me, no – it just makes my headaches worse, and the dry mouth is so bad! I’ve tried smoking and edibles. I have heard that it helps some people, though, so why not try?

    3. Anona*

      Not sure about migraines but if you do edibles be really careful to start small. The bad thing about edibles is that unlike smoking or vaping, you won’t really know how high you are until at least a half hour, maybe more. And if you’ve taken too much, it’s really unpleasant for hours while you wait for it to clear your system.

      If you do decide to use marijuana, vaping can be a good options, though the vape setups can be expensive (like volcano). But it’s much less harsh/not as scented as smoking.

    4. Rainy*

      I live in a marijuana legal state and I get migraines. Mine are mostly food allergies, which I work hard to avoid anyway, so I have no idea.

      Edibles are great but you’ll need to do some experimentation with brand and type–I have some lovely chocolate that is ostensibly hybrid but puts me to sleep immediately, and have had better luck with gummies but only one specific brand. The time we tried another brand, they were not what we wanted.

      1. Anon for Reasons*

        So here’s a really dumb question. Where do you get the edibles? My state is just starting out with the legal stuff, and I honestly have no idea (I think the reason I’ve lived such a law-abiding life is because I’m too clueless to be a criminal).

        1. Headachey*

          If it’s a state with legal recreational pot, you just go to the pot store, like going to the liquor store. If it’s a state with legal medical marijuana, you may need to get a prescription or medical card, then go to a medical marijuana dispensary.

        2. Rainy*

          At the pot store! :) Our favoured brand is Wana, but I don’t know if they are in/will be moving into other pot-legal states. In our state, all edibles have to be pretty carefully dosage controlled so they put a sticker on the packaging with the exact total THC/CBD per package. Obviously then there are slight variations per item, but in general you can tell how much to take for the effect you want.

          I’d suggest trying smoking first, though–edible dosage is one of those things where you have bought your ticket and you are riding the ride. There’s a delay for it to come on, and then you have the high you have. Smoking is a lot more controllable. As long as you aren’t smoking all day long, and you do it outside, you probably aren’t going to need to worry about reeking of pot.

          1. Anon for Reasons*

            I feel so naive. “Wait…they have pot stores?” Thank you all for bearing with me and my ridiculous innocence.

            1. Rainy*

              Once it’s legal, people want to make money! There are pot stores EVERYWHERE here, and they got the okay a while back to keep the same hours as liquor stores, which is handy. Once you have pot stores, just go in and talk to the budtender (I kid you not). They’ll help you pick out the right product for the effect you’re looking for. :)

        3. Natalie*

          Your state may or may not have this as an option, but there are also topical applications (lotions or oils, usually).

    5. LCL*

      Look for soft caramel or candy. I know some one who uses the edibles for muscle pain. He cuts a 10 milligram? candy into quarters. The horror stories one hears of novice uses going berserk are real, and happen because they eat a 50 to 100 gram dose.

  38. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1. We cooked swordfish last night, and the apt still smells X/. Febreezed just now. Any quick cheap tips to make a room smell…err…less fishy?

    2. Grey rocking nmom at the moment so she doesn’t insert unnecessary wedding drama. I blocked her on email. She texted me saying (nicely not hostile) she wanted a specific type of officiant, a special $1500 tea ceremony, and wanted us to get 5 hrs’ sleep our wedding night to do church next morning with a pastor friend.

    I texted back calmly stating the officiant is booked end of story, no tea ceremony (and made sure the tea people I spoke with would fwd any nmom emails my way). And that yes we’d do church but realize we will be tired. Finally I told her, no offense, but stop micromanaging, bc I’m in good hands with a planner.

    Then I forwarded my response to my cousins, parents, and SO to keep a paper trail, and said I’m AWOL not responding to mom texts except 1/week.

    Boundaries, sweet boundaries…..sometimes I feel like the bad guy, but I do need to take care of myself.

    Plus I’m spending the afternoon prepping for a 1 hour project presentation. #exhausted

    2. Casuan*

      Boil cinnamon in water. Err on the side of using little cinnamon & wait at least 15 minutes before deciding if you should add more.

    3. Rainy*

      I feel your planning pain. I had to have my fiancé tell his mother to stop emailing me about our wedding plans. I’m happy with him passing stuff on, but I can’t deal with her right now. My parents (nmum and edad) are talking to me more than they used to, due to a sibling who’s not as available right now, and I have to dial them back too, because more frequent contact is having the same impact on my mental health it did before I went VLC with them. It did take a lot longer to start messing me up than it used to, so clearly I am in a better place. I’m holding onto that as the silver lining. :)

      Good luck on the presentation!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Bowls of vinegar will help. When you can finally smell the vinegar and not the fish, you can just dump it down the drain.

      You are doing very well with your mother and your wedding. Yep, you will feel like the bad guy, she will make sure of that. Stay on plan anyway, the plan exists for a reason. It’s because this is what you need to reclaim your life.

    5. Thlayli*

      Candles work. There are specific ones you can get to reduce food smell, but scented and even non-scented will reduce the smell a lot.

  39. Snark*

    Random errata: My son has, for weeks now, been pretending that he’s a purple robot kitten with a jetpack and wings who rescues crashed space ships and has other adventures. For the last 30 minutes, he’s been methodically using his vacuum robot arm (the dustbuster…) to vacuum the entire kitchen and eating area, pretending that he’s cleaning up moon dust. It’s like having a little meat Roomba.

      1. Snark*

        He also spent an hour and a half a few nights ago having a full-on sobbing, wailing tantrum because he wanted to watch cartoons. At 1am. Be careful what you wish for.

      2. paul*

        My 3 year old is currently bruised to hell and back because for the last 3 days, he’s been insiting on “hopping” contest where he grabs one foot, and tries to hop in a circle as fast as he can until he falls down head first; this inevitable results in a 30 minute crying jag and bruises and anger.

        This has been going on since frigging Wednesday night.

        If you want a kid, please come borrow this one.

        1. paul*

          Oh, he also climbed up the side of the bunk beds (2 bedroom house) and jumped into the toy chest last night at like 2 or 3 AM.

          I keep wondering when the self-preservation patch will download…

          2. Cor*

            My toddler loves his bike helmet (a teddy bear head with little ears!) and asks to wear it sometimes. I don’t suppose your little one would be willing to wear a helmet while doing his jumping contests?

            1. paul*

              We have a spiderman helmet we bought him for Christmas because he loves spiders (the jumping spider in our front door is named Fred). He won’t wear it at all :/

          3. Dead Quote Olympics*

            At a certain point as the mother of a boy in a neighborhood full of (mostly) benignly free range boys, I realized that we would be doing well as parents if we were able to 1) keep them alive and 2) keep them out of jail for doing stupid daredevilry crap until the self-preservation patch downloaded and/or parental responsibility ended.

        2. TL -*

          My friend’s toddler is still cosleeping because the one time they put him in his own crib at night he smashed his face on his crib and cut the inside of his lip a little.
          Four months later and she hasn’t tried again. I try not to judge but when she complains about bedtimes and her two cosleeping kids waking each other up it’s hard.

    3. Book Lover*

      Is he 3? Mine goes between being an incredibly delightful little human being and having meltdowns during which I wish I could give her up for adoption.

      1. Elf*

        Mine turned 3 last Saturday and OMG is that an accurate descriptor. This morning he said “I’m not your little baby *name*. I’m your little baby anthropomorphic bumblebee. Bzzzzzzzzz.”

        However, he’s also at the stage where if I ask him not to do something he does again on purpose just to see what I’ll do about it.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        LOL when my brother was little, Mum would take us to the shoe store (I haven’t forgotten that kids outgrow their shoes every ten minutes) and while we were trying on, she would ask, “Does that feel okay? Does it hurt?” a hundred times. He would tell her yes it’s okay, no it doesn’t hurt a hundred times.

        The literal second we got home, he would collapse in a puddle of tears and wail, “MY SHOOOOOOES HURRRRRT! MY TOES ARE SQUEEEEEEZED!” My sister and I would roll our eyes and vanish into our rooms.

        My poor mother.

  40. Not My Regular Name For This One*

    I matched with a sort of famous person on Tinder. (Yes, I am bragging, but after all the guys who couldn’t even use a space between words or would swear non-stop on chat, I’m so ready for someone different.) He isn’t in tabloids or anything but my town has a booming indie music scene and he’s apparently one of the leading names. I of course had no idea about this as I am pretty new here but I googled him and found his music and even liked it. We started chatting and he seems to be a cool guy. I have no idea if we will ever meet up or I will miss my chance to become his muse but the thing is, dating apps really made it possible for me to talk to people from totally different subcultures or circles than mine.
    Do you have any similar experience? Or maybe some fun stories?

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I met a local journalist in a bar and dated him for a bit, and met a more famous local journalist online and dated him for a while (and I regret breaking that off but it’s too late now). People who follow our local sportsball team were very familiar with his name because his beat was covering them and he travelled with the team.

    2. Thlayli*

      I got hit on by a guy in a bar who was totally drunk and getting drunker. He was interesting at first but then started talking absolute rubbish so I just turned back to my mates. The next day I was in my mates house and she was cutting out pics from a newspaper about a festival she had been at at the weekend and he was in the pic. I said who’s that he hit on my last night and she said “that’s badly drawn boy”.

      I actually had to look up who he was haha. But I had heard some of his songs and liked them prior to this.

    3. Fake old Converse shoes*

      An former coworker’s sister got hit on by a polo player some years ago at a bar, but she rejected him because 1) she was still recovering from a painful breakup 2) he was annoying and didn’t stop bragging and 2) she believed he was straight away lying to have a quick one-night-stand. The next day she Googled him and found out that he was annoying but not a liar.

  41. chi type*

    Hey Tampa area AAMers, I’m headed down there next week? What’s the number 1 thing you recommend I see?
    I like off-the-beaten-path type stuff, architecture, interesting outdoor scenery, local food and beer.
    I’m more or less museumed out at this point in my life and I’m not big on shopping or most music/club type stuff.
    Any suggestions are appreciated!

    3. paul*

      Hillsborough Wilderness Preserve is awesome and close.

      Take the trolley and walk around the different neighborhoods it stops in; that was a blast and dirt cheap. Some neat looking buildings, very different that what I see in the West. Ybor was fun.

      1. BF*

        It might still be cold enough to check out the manatees. Around Tampa are several springs where manatees come up to winter. There can be hundreds of them in a fairly small area. Some of the springs are part of nice little state parks.

  42. periwinkle*

    Induction ranges – who has some experience in shopping for one? I’m getting a really nice bonus this month and want to replace the 37-year old electric range that came with the house. We can’t get gas so electric is the only option! We have cats who are prone to jumping on the counter (we’ve tried many deterrents, nope), so the combination of safety and performance means induction is my preference.

    So what should I look for? Is there a reason why there are just a handful of choices in the sub-$1000 price range with the rest starting at $2500 or so?

    1. Snark*

      I have several freestanding induction burners that I use instead of a range. They’re $100-$150 and work really well, and you can reclaim the range area for counter space.

      2. DDJ*

        I’m in the same boat. We have two Nuwaves and we really like them a lot! We use them exclusively – we have a stove with the old coil burners, so we just made a cover to go over them and the two induction burners sit on the stovetop.

        The thing I like most about the burners is being able to set the exact temperature – I can set a pot to 220 degrees and leave it there. So if there’s something finicky I’m doing, I don’t need to worry about it burning or boiling over or anything like that. It’s great for things like browning butter or making caramel, for example (both of which seem to go from delicious to terrible in .3 seconds). Most ranges with induction burners seem to just have a number system – level 1 to 10, for example, sometimes a “quick boil” option. I like more options than that, so we haven’t taken the plunge yet.

        Depending on how you like to cook and what you like to cook, my recommendation would be to consider how precisely you want to be able to control the temperature, and how many settings you want. If you’re ok to just use high, medium, and low, then there are probably a lot of options for you. Do you think you’d use the “warming” element or would 4 burners work just fine? How many bells and whistles do you want for the oven? Convection? Two different compartments for cooking at 2 different temperatures?

        I think the reason for such a huge range of prices is that with induction being considered relatively “new” technology in ranges (you’ll find that just the lay-in tops are a lot easier to come by), the features can get pretty extensive. So just ask yourself what you need and want out of an oven, and find a model that meets those needs and wants. And don’t just get bells and whistles for the sake of it if you think they’re not features you’ll use. Good luck!

  43. Casuan*

    :::when you should be working but you’re just having fun surfing the Weekend Free-for-All & hoping you can contribute in a meaningful way:::

    1. Kathenus*

      If it helps, I loved your boiling cinnamon in water suggestion on another thread! So you contributed something to me, anyway.

  44. Almost Violet Miller*

    Mindfulness update!
    I’ve been practising mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) for 5 weeks. The course will last another 3 weeks but I can already see some improvement. I shared some of the positive changes I noticed on the open thread 2 weeks ago but here is something else:
    I used to snap at myself automatically if I did something silly and would think to myself how typical it is that I mess it up (eg. burn myself while cooking and at the same time the sauce in the microwave explodes). But last time this happened (I swear I’m not a terrible cook) I was kind to myself and solved the situation without seeing it as a problem.
    It’s funny how I unconsciously expect the same reaction from myself and then I’m genuinely surprised I am nice to myself.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      That sounds really interesting! Is the course in person or is it available on line? Any resources you can recommend?

      1. Almost Violet Miller*

        It’s in person, 8 weeks + a day of practice with a larger group on a Saturday. I will try to share more on that next weekend. The course I am doing is not in English so the website wouldn’t be very informative.
        I downloaded the Mindfulness app some time before starting the course. It has a number of guided meditations in varying lenghts. If you find them interesting, I think it’d be worth to look for an in-person course. I know that online courses exist as well. The instructor usually explains the psychological background and adds also about the history of the method, at least mine, but I heard that this depends on the teacher as well.
        This seems to be a good summary of the tools MBSR offers: https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/mindfulness-based-stress-reduction-mbsr/
        If you have specific questions, I’m happy to try to answer them with my limited experience and there are other AAMers who practice mindfulness so I’m pretty sure someone will be able to give more info.
        Good luck and let me know if you’re giving it a try!

    2. The RO-Cat*

      I’m really glad to meet more mindfulness practitioners! I’m in my 5-th week also, in an online program – very good, donation-based, international (we’re all coming from 7 or so countries worldwide). Congratulations – you seem to reap already the benefits. I’ve been reading your updates here (and Elizabeth West’s, too). Can I ask you to keep updating?

      1. Almost Violet Miller*

        So nice to meet others who have found (and liked) these methods! I’m happy to share my results and struggles and would also be interested to hear yours (and others’). So I’m in for a mindfulness thread next weekend as well!
        We had a day of practice together with another group of the instructor yesterday and I would like to share my experiences but kind of want them to sink in a little more.

  45. Claire (Scotland)*

    I’m heading down to London on Monday morning for a short trip with my Niece who is about to turn 17. It’s my birthday present to her – we did a similar trip last year for her 16th so it’s becoming a bit of a tradition for us. This time we are seeing Hamilton on Tuesday night, and I think I may be even more excited than she is! We’re also going to go to Shakespeare’s Globe and see the exhibition/tour, as she’s currently doing a drama course at college and has never been before (and I haven’t been for quite a while).

    Is it Monday yet?

  46. nep*

    Is there anyone you want/need to apologise to after a falling-out, but you’re waiting for them to ‘make the first move’?

    1. DMLT*

      Not really, but I recently learned that my parents (who I cut off 4 years ago because they are abusive and manipulative. It was the best choice for my mental health and I don’t regret it for a moment!) are telling people they are willing to forgive me as soon as I ask.
      I cannot tell you how hilarious that is to me. You just keep on waiting. Settle in for a long wait because it ain’t happening!

    2. DMLT*

      Truthfully, though, if I felt there was a need to apologize and I had a desire to salvage a relationship, I wouldn’t wait around or care about who goes first.

    3. Rainy*

      Funny you posted this. I just (like, 20 min ago) found out that someone I was very close to for many years, but not recently, died unexpectedly a little over a week ago. I had to step back from the friendship a few years ago, so I haven’t spoken to them since then. I knew that they would never apologize for the stuff I was upset about, and would just keep doing it if we were in touch, so I stepped back.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      No, not really. I try to apologize as things derail and get things back on track. OTH, there have been people who made the first move and I did not feel I was in a place where I could respond. With those folks, I have only myself to blame really. I allowed situations to go on and on, I did not stand up for myself until I had hit my limit. I kind of relate to what the Other Dawn was saying about her old friend upthread here. The thought of having to reestablish connection just exhausts me. I am not even angry, just tired.

      Looking back at the old me and waiting for the first move, I now tend to think that if it occurs to me that I want them to make the first move, then I am pretty much done with that relationship. It’s just too much work.

    5. Red*

      Nope. If I have something to say, I feel that I ought to say it. This goes double for apologies and compliments.

  47. Anonymously embarrassed*

    Oh dear. I’m afraid my apartment has a mold problem (the black kind…haven’t had it tested but doesn’t look good). It has popped up repeatedly on the bathroom window sill (no fan, we can only vent by cracking the window), and we clean it with bleach. But I saw spots on the vents of my window a/c in the living room the other day, which is owned by the management company and doesn’t seem to be something I can fully clean out on my own.

    Definitely worried about the potential health impacts – my family has gotten a lot of viruses and a couple subsequent infections this winter and I wonder if this is a factor in why we are so susceptible. But I’m afraid if I tell the management company they’ll blame it on me for not cleaning enough or something and take it out on us somehow. Our lease has a paragraph about cleaning frequently and trying to keep things dry to prevent mold, and I try, but it’s so humid in here that the only way I can do that is by cracking windows all the time or they immediately fog up. There is no bathroom or kitchen vent, no cross breezes, I can’t use fans or crack windows when it’s very cold or very hot…and it’s been a very cold month.

    So I guess I’m wondering…IS this my fault? Is it something I should try to figure out and pay for on my own? Would my landlords be justified in not renewing the lease or making us pay for treatment? What else should one do to keep mold out of an always humid apartment? I only found out dehumidifier dehumidifiers exist from Google last night so I did not buy one when I moved in.

    1. Hellanon*

      It’s probably just mildew. Clean it with bleach on a regular basis and yes, a dehumidifier will help.

      1. Earthwalker*

        Once the mold is bleached into submission, wiping the shower down with your towel every time you use it and drying the towel outside the bathroom can help to keep the humidity down and discourage future mold.

    2. DMLT*

      Not all mold that is black is The Black Mold to be Feared.

      Just clean the best you can, see if the AC has any parts that can be removed/cleaned/replaced and get a dehumidifier.

    3. VITA Volunteer*

      I’m not an expert, but mold that is black isn’t always Black Mold. Hardware stores sell easy to use mold tests and you can mail the sample in to have it formally tested for a small fee. You can also buy sprays that cover mold and sort of isolate it. So you could clean the window sill really well and then spray with a mold encasing spray and see if that helps. A dehumidifer would also help. You could also check to see if the a/c has a filter that can be cleaned or replaced. Building codes usually specify that homes need to have a venting fan in the kitchen and bathroom, although this varies by location and some buildings are exempted or grandfathered out. Also, many areas have a tennant’s union or some other service that provides legal advice to renters and landlords. I don’t know much else about them. I used one ages and ages ago but found it through my local paper which ran an advice column and had a number to call. I’d try googling tenant advice and your city, then try county and finally state to see if you have an organization.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, research tenant laws and codes in your area, and/or contact a tenant’s rights organization. Your area may allow window OR fan, but if a fan is required and your landlord hasn’t put it in, maybe you can reach an agreement with them to update it. I do not think this is your fault, but there may be more you can do to mitigate it. Often, though, the mold you are seeing is just one small part of the mold that is present.

        My brother once had MUSHROOMS growing in the bathroom of a horrid little rental house. It was like the enchanted forest of NOPE.

    4. copy run start*

      My advice is to move ASAP. I doubt they would hold you liable unless you flooded the place and did nothing, but honestly, I wouldn’t mention it and just move out. (In my area many landlords make you sign a waiver acknowledging mold is everywhere and they can’t be held liable/made to do any remediation if your apartment is covered in the stuff. So if they can get away with that, I see no reason why you need to take it on.) A dehumidifier and an air purifier with a HEPA filter (not HEPA-type, an actual HEPA filter) may help you survive if you have a lot of time left on your lease, but the best solution is to move out.

      From what I’ve seen, having a bathroom fan is helpful, but only if it actually vents outside effectively. I lived in a place with a fan that still was horrible. Shortly before moving out, I discovered mold had colonized my bed pillow!

      If mold is causing you health problems, the more you are exposed to it, the worse it will get. I spent many years living in moldy housing and living chronically sick because of it. I used to swallow benadryl, sudafed, tylenol and mylanta on a continuous basis just to stay upright. Exposure now gives me migraines, chronic nausea, fatigue, a cough and difficulty breathing if exposed to enough of it in a short time span. Get! Out!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      The standard advice is to use bleach for clean up.
      I was recently made aware that Borax kills mold at it’s root so it does not come back. I have not tried this so I do not have any first hand experience. I get plenty of mold so I am sure I will be testing it out at some point.

      While I don’t know everything about your setting, I am leaning toward NO this is not your fault. There are lots of things the property owner can do to help lessen the mold problems. They can put in drainage for the lot, so there is less water. If there is a problem in the basement they can install sump pumps. They can check the eves of their roofs and redirect rainwater on the roof away from the building. They can install fans. Areas such as driveways and parking spots that are paved can have drainage to direct water away from the building and from the area that the cars drive/park on. Large trees can be cut down to allow more light in and foundation planting can be removed to allow light in. This is what I have had to do with my house here. I hope you have a moment to look around to see if some of these types of thing have been done.

    6. LCL*

      Buy the dehumidifier. The situation you describe (almost no ventilation) is where they are especially useful.

  48. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m struggling with having the energy to do basic life stuff on top of exercise, working full time, and seeing friends. I know the things I am doing are a lot and I should feel proud of them! But it doesn’t change the fact that my apartment is a gross smelly mess.

    I am taking today to do nothing but cleaning and errands. I just loaded the dishwasher and am running it, which is good, but there’s so much else to do.

    I just come home most nights and…I’m done. It takes so much energy to do all the stuff I have to do and be around other people all day that I come home and have nothing left.

    My therapist suggested talking to my psychiatrist about a medication that’s helped some of her other clients with social anxiety. I think I will try to follow up on that soon. I definitely feel like being around people is more overwhelming than it used to be, and it’s having more of an impact on my life.

    I am proud of riding my bike to work twice this week, and of going to a bar with a friend Thursday, and I think I’ve been pretty good about eating substantial food when I need to.

    How are you doing?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Congratulations on doing the dishes! I find that even doing a load of washing up really helps make the kitchen feel tidier and a lot less gross.

      As for me, I’ve been stressed over my cat (see above) and also really frustrated with my older brother. He complains about his lack of money a lot but he’s actually fairly well off, not rich but certainly comfortable. When he was moaning on about it again last night, I told him that I had literally nothing to my name and was faced with spending a lot of money I don’t have on vet bills. He told me that since I was nearly 30, I really needed to sort that out. As though I don’t know that!

      He just doesn’t understand because he never went to university. He went through a training programme that paid him while training and then a very, very good salary (tax free) for over ten years. In my case, I went to university for four years and graduated into a recession where I was working three jobs just to put a roof over my head. It’s so frustrating that he talks like this and it makes me really, really angry with him. So angry that it’s 24 hours later and I’m still steaming about it.

      It also doesn’t help that he said “get my phone, woman” to me yesterday and when I clapped back he said that if I wanted to eat, I’d do it. I’m so forking exhausted of having to deal with him. He’s like a cross between Eeyore and a Dementor and never fails to make me feel absolutely shirt about myself.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        How is telling you to sort that out meant to be helpful? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this.

      2. Junior Dev*

        Your brother sounds like a jerk. Do you live with him? “A cross between Eeyore and a a Deal” is hilarious btw.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Thankfully I don’t, but he and a friend were around for dinner yesterday. He does, however, live ten minutes away from me and that is far too close for my liking. I’m seriously considering moving so that there’s more distance between us.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I have nothing positive to say about your bro.

        I hope you have other people in your life who are supportive and try to say encouraging things. It sounds like you have been climbing your own Mt. Everest and you are doing a fine, fine job.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      You should feel proud, really. You’re doing great.

      I’m doing okay. I was super stressed about going to a medical appointment but there’s a happy ending.

      I attend a specialist outpatient clinic once a year to review my meds and get various tests done. Last time, I saw a registrar (trainee specialist) who asked weird questions and wrote an inaccurate letter to my GP, and I emailed my usual consultant (specialist) in a panic asking him to send a corrected version and added that I’d really prefer to see a consultant in future as this is the one half-hour a year I get to spend with someone who knows more about my condition than me and can actually answer my questions.

      I got very stressed about seeing him in case he was annoyed with me for emailing him directly and basically demanding to see a specialist. By the time my appointment day rolled around I was a wreck. My jerk brain imagined him telling me I shouldn’t expect to see a specialist every time, why did I even need to anyway, and that I was a terrible person and they would never help me again. (Why yes, it IS fun inside my brain.)

      More realistically, I expected him to maybe say they had changed some processes, like checking letters before they went out, but that I couldn’t choose who to see and that in future if I had a complaint I should follow some official process and not just email him directly.

      What he actually said was that he was terribly sorry about the stresses last time and in fact they had SCRAPPED the registrar clinic as it wasn’t working out, so I never had to see another one and would always see an experienced specialist every time I came.

      After years of exhausting self-advocacy, this has been the most wonderful relief and it’s been really good for my mental wellbeing. I feel so much better now this particular cloud isn’t hanging over me.

      2. Junior Dev*

        I’ve had some weird experiences with doctors in training before. The worst was when the regular doctor got in an argument about some technical thing regarding anatomy with the trainee in front of me, and I felt really weird and dehumanized seeing them basically have am academic discussion regarding my body while I was sitting there. I’m glad you got that worked out and will be seeing the correct person in the future.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          That sounds really unpleasant and dehumanising, I’m so sorry!

          I’m not sure why I got so stressed about seeing the consultant, given he was the person who actually sorted it out – I’ve just reread his original response to my email and it was really kind and helpful. But I think I just got so used to doctors not listening that I naturally expect the worst even now.

          I still can’t believe they scrapped the entire trainee clinic. I’m like: huh, well that escalated quickly!

          1. TL -*

            There were probably a number of other issues with it that prompted the removal – it sounds like it was inappropriate for the venue/amount of training anyways. If it was just the one mistake, it would have been the trainee who was reprimanded, not the entire system.
            (though your medical system is really different from the USA so who knows?)

      3. selina kyle*

        Good job on following through and requesting to see someone you were actually comfortable with. I can imagine the stress of it so kudos! I’m glad it worked out.

    3. ....*

      Mentally, I’m a bit PO’d. Now that the whole event of my father’s passing is over, I’m remembering more and more bad/painful memories. They don’t really sting any more, but are helping me not to feel guilty over not being as devastated as people seem to expect. I don’t even feel sad at this point, actually. Also spoke with a friend who lost a parent they weren’t close with either, and they had similar feelings as well which made me feel less like a freak. I realized a few years ago that my parents weren’t exactly stellar at parenting, but I feel like I’m really realizing now the ways in which things were lacking for me and that it is okay to ensure my needs are met, vs when I was a kid and told to be quiet and the things I wanted/needed weren’t important. (Thank you to my absolutely wonderful therapist!)

      I’m also pretty exhausted still from the above and trying to catch up at work. I should be doing more, but I think I am just going to veg this weekend and catch up on laundry and cleaning tasks and video games. Otherwise I don’t think I will get through next week.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am here to tell you that you are not a freak AT ALL.

        I did not cry at my mother’s funeral. I had spent twenty odd years crying. You can’t lose something you never had.

        My aunt and I got into an interesting discussion about how different people provoke different reactions in us when they pass. It’s easier to see when talking about people who have less ties to how our lives played out. i have acquaintances who passed and I walked through the funeral with just a calm and matter of fact demeanor. I have had acquaintances pass and cried like a two year old. The differences in people and the difference in what their friendship meant to us. It goes the same way with family.

        Life tends to show us more and more of what we were lacking as kids as the years go by. I still find new things that I should have had. I don’t think that process ever stops. The brilliant piece of advice I read is to vow to be a good parent to ourselves. We need to be sure to procure what we need to live life in a safe, healthy environment, what you are saying here is the ultimate answer. I wish you peace and comfort.

        1. ....*

          I did not cry at my mother’s funeral. I had spent twenty odd years crying. You can’t lose something you never had.

          Thank you for putting this so well. I have spent nearly 30 years crying… I feel like I was crying more because the last tiny kernel of hope of getting the father I wanted was crushed, not because I was actually missing his presence in my life. Those tears have already been shed.

    4. selina kyle*

      I have been having a real trouble balancing everything. It seems like things pile up – I forget to do laundry, then there’s too much laundry. I’m working on it but it makes it easy to fall into a hole.
      Congrats about working on the food stuff. I think it’s okay to sometimes just be too tired to do all the stuff you had on your to-do list.

      1. DrWombat*

        Amen to that. I thought I’d have months to prepare to move and having to do it all in a bit over a month is overwhelming, and so I’m on that same balance issue. I live by my to do lists but like…I also set ‘minimum successful goals’ that have to get done no matter what and if those get done I count it a win sometimes. Cheering you on! (Also re laundry if it’s doable for you, laundromats that wash/fold by the lb are a godsend)

    5. Red*

      It’s been an interesting week for me! My Abilify dose was increased because I’m apparently still a little psychotic, but that’s not even the half of it. You guys might remember my husband’s psychiatric saga back in November. Turns out, he was misdiagnosed and also has bipolar!

    6. Pathfinder Ryder*

      My doctor referred me to the public mental health system for an ADHD screening because the private psychiatrists who are interested in ADHD are both very rare and very expensive, and the public system declined me because their criteria is moderate to severe with a mental health history and I’m mild to moderate with no documented history, which is incredibly frustrating because I’m trying to nip it in the bud before getting to moderate to severe but alas our system is set up (funded) to be the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff, and because I pinged enough anxiety and depression in their initial phone screen that they want me to explore and try interventional techniques for that first. I had actually discussed that with my referring doctor but she agreed with me that the ADHD symptoms are more of a hindrance in my life right now than the anxiety/depression so we’d refer for that first.

      That said, my EAP does offer free counselling for anxiety and depression, so after realizing hey, I’m napping way too much, and after seething far too long over snapping passive aggressively at someone, I booked an EAP appointment.

      1. Junior Dev*

        > I’m trying to nip it in the bud before getting to moderate to severe but alas our system is set up (funded) to be the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff

        THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. I know what you mean. So many systems related to health and disability only qualify you for help if you have already passed the point where earlier interventions are not going to be successful. It’s such a backwards mentality, it causes needless suffering, and means people end up costing the healthcare system MORE as their issues become harder to treat.

    7. Tris Prior*

      We had to put our cat down today and I’m kind of a mess.

      On the plus side, I’ve been so focused on her for the past week that I haven’t really been able to obsess about counting calories at the same time, so my disordered-eating behaviors have been less. Yay?

    8. Betsy*

      I’m struggling with motivation. I’m in a different country and I haven’t made any real friends here yet. My therapist is really encouraging me to get out to meet people, but I want to go back to my home country in a few months, so I don’t see the point of putting in the effort. I think the way I expressed it too, made me sound like a loser with no social skills, so I think she wants me to go out and practice conversing with people, or something. I’m actually great at talking to strangers and hanging out with new people, it’s just making good long-lasting friends who I have something in common with that is difficult. I don’t want to be tasked with pointless remedial conversation. Help!

      I also feel like I should be making time to see more of the city while I’m here, but I’m really broke this month due to some major bills I just paid, and I don’t really feel like doing anymore sightseeing.

      I’m not unhappy overall, although have been a bit grumpy this weekend.

    9. Caterpillar*

      I made my first ever doctors’ appointment to start dealing with depression. It’s taken me around 10 years to get to this point. Fingers crossed it works out.

  49. Regular Poster Going Anon*

    Does anyone here have dog aggressive dogs?

    My dog (a staffordshire terrier) has always had issues with other dogs while on a leash. I’ve been very consistent with training him to sit and stay when we see another dog. We cross the street first, and then he has to sit and stay. Occasionally, he’ll jump up and I always immediately get his butt back down on the ground. No barking, no straining at the leash, etc. We sit until other dog passes every time. I am consistent and it has worked well to be consistent and do it every single time so he knows the drill. Also, I don’t want people to ever feel uncomfortable so him sitting helps.

    I always have him in a harness he can’t wiggle out of. Normally this works fine. If I see a family walking a dog, or anyone with a kid, we turn around immediately since I know leashes can slip out of little hands.

    Unfortunately, there will always be the issue of loose dogs- no matter how many precautions I take. I always am able to grab the harness and lift him off the ground if necessary though this is not preferred. Well, something happened with a young dog where the other (loose) dog was hurt because even though I had my dog in hand, the young dog, leapt up right at his face and he caught a hold of the other dog’s lip.

    I wasn’t on anyone’s property and my dog was leashed, but there’s no way this wasn’t a bad scene. I don’t want to go into the details of the scene except that it happened and I need to prevent it from happening again. I love dogs and even if I am in the legal right, I don’t want this to ever happen again, ever. I want to be a considerate, responsible dog owner. We don’t have a yard he can stay in. I need to walk him. I got a muzzle but I’m afraid neighbors are now extra angry and resentful of my dog being in the area. I feel like I can’t be seen with him, even though he will now have a precautionary muzzle, which I did expensive research on.

    What can I do aside from a muzzle? He’s in a harness, never loose, we don’t take him out in public (dog parks, beaches, events), I’ve been very good about training and have seen great progress for normal walks, when a dog doesn’t get right in his face as in this scenario.

    2. Hellanon*

      You know, if your dog is under your control and the other dog is not leashed or otherwise controlled, it’s not your fault if something happens. The other owner has made the choice to put their dog at risk – unleashed dogs also run into the street & get hit by cars.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        I appreciate this as several people IRL have said the same but at this point there are several issues that I still want to try and avoid. My state has no “one bite rule” and if someone tries to get in between dogs and gets hurt, my dog will very likely be in danger. He’s not human aggressive but with his breed if things get messy and a person tries to intervene, it could go so badly for him.

        1. Observer*

          Even if the dog is completely not at fault?

          I’m not a dog person, but you sound like you’re doing everything right. And, it also sounds like this was something that could have happened even with a non-aggressive dog. So, for your dog to be indanger over something like this is multiply bad.

          1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

            I don’t think this applies to dog on dog, but I’ve read for any human bite my state law is very pro-victim (not wording that right but basically it is in favor of the victim). I am not a lawyer but our state law does seem to deviate from the normal rule where the dog has to have at least one prior incident to deem them a danger.

      2. Turtlewings*

        I completely agree — you’ve done everything you should and then some. I understand you don’t want this to happen again, even though it wasn’t your fault, but you can’t control what other people do. It’s just not possible for you to take responsibility for other people’s (stupid) choices.

        (Also, possible unpopular opinion here, but like… GASP SHOCK SCANDAL the predator animal with large teeth that uses its teeth extensively in communication and world navigation USED ITS TEETH. If a strange human got up in my face like the dog you described getting in your dog’s face, I’d probably hit him and feel zero guilt about it. Not saying “let your dogs bite whoever they want!!!” but… even animals have the right to defend themselves.)

        1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

          I do appreciate so many people being understanding since I’ve felt that neighbors may be taking the opposite stance based on the vibe after the incident. Unfortunately, this was also a naive young dog, got out by accident, etc.

          I definitely wouldn’t feel as bad if it was a stupid choice by an adult (and ooooh I’ve seen so many righteous indignant people with loose dogs and it boils my blood) but I think several factors pointed this being more of an unfortunate series of accidents.

    3. Kathenus*

      You sound like a very responsible dog owner, and you’ve done everything you could be expected to in managing your dog and everything within your power to avoid problems. You can’t hold yourself accountable for what other people do/don’t do with their dogs that’s completely out of your control.

      I don’t think you should feel that you need to muzzle your dog, and depending on how your dog is/isn’t taking to being muzzled it ends up punishing him for something another dog did. You can’t account for any possibility when it relies upon other people you can’t control and how they handle their pets.

      Are your neighbors saying anything to you which makes you think they’re angry? We had a horrific incident in my neighborhood between two dogs that really was just a terrible alignment of happenings, and which resulted in one dog being injured so severely it had to be euthanized. No one in the neighborhood blamed either family or dog involved, it was understood to just be a tragic confluence of events.

      As to what could you do? I think your training regimen is spot on already. If it was me I would continue that, not muzzle my dog, but maybe carry something (a stick/pole, trash can lid, etc.) that you could use to put between your dog and another if they did run up like a baffle. Don’t punish yourself or your dog, you are doing the right thing already and it was not either of your faults about what occurred.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        I did hear reference to my dog being discussed on FB and there were bystanders who had very cold reactions after the dogs were separated (which was not easy unfortunately, it was a more prolonged scene than my post conveyed).

        I definitely don’t want to punish my dog and will approach the muzzle option properly with positive reinforcement and obviously not continue if it appears my dog isn’t able to comfortably adjust to it for short periods but I mentioned above that in my state there is no “one bite rule” and I can see it being more dangerous for him if a person gets involved if this happened again. It may be a he-said she-said issue and my dog’s breed will not help.

        Mostly though, if it had been a worse injury, I would have been devastated. I can’t imagine being able to move on if the other dog was more seriously injured or dead, even if it was the fault of the owner. As it was I spent hours crying over the ordeal and felt awful.

        1. Slartibartfast*

          Is it a basket muzzle, like what racing greyhounds wear? Those don’t restrict panting or drinking, and you can feed treats through the mesh.

    4. Rainy*

      My old dog, who was a fantastic dog in every other way, was very dog aggressive as a younger dog. We did all of that–treats for not barking, cross the street, sit-stay with his back to the stimulus, attempts to rub the sharp edges off his aggression, everything.

      What made the most difference was time. As he got older, he got significantly less reactive. I never treated him like a dog who wasn’t dog-aggressive, but he did get less reactive over time and significantly easier to handle. My experience was that the worst situations were with loose dogs and dog-social dogs whose owners let them off- or trailing-leash.

      Being a good dog owner cannot make up for other people being bad dog owners, and if someone has a dog off-leash or is refusing to heed your warnings, you’re neither a bad dog owner nor responsible for whatever happens. If you trust your dog sometimes in those situations you can interpose your body and scream until the owner shows up, but if you think your dog is going to go for you if he can’t get to the other dog, don’t do that. (Also, picking up a dog that’s been targeted by another dog ALWAYS makes the other dog jump for your dog. I’d stop doing that pronto.) Also, consider carrying a riding crop, stick, or sjambok–you want something stiff enough that if just a prod will work to warn off a dog, you have something longer and less full of blood than your arm to provide one.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        Thanks for this, it helps to know I’m not a horrible person or failing in some way. I sometimes feel I should have been able to fix this by now and the fault is on me. Unfortunately, my dog is already about 8 and I don’t see age helping.

        I also should have made clear, I’m think more about how accidents happen where a dog gets out when a door opens, dogs dig under a fence, or children let dogs out unbenowst to parents and I believe this was very much an accident vs negligence which makes it harder. I’ve also had dogs run out of doors when repairmen aren’t paying attention, etc. This has actually happened A LOT. And in several cases everything seems to really point to an honest mistake.

        Heck, my own dog has gotten out when I thought the door was firmly shut when I went to get the mail and then there he is beside me (happened ONCE).

    5. EN*

      Are group training classes an option? We’ve done a few with our dog, and it’s really helped him stay focused on us, rather than other dogs. Our dog wasn’t aggressive, but when distracted would pull hard on the leash, so our trainer had us use a pinch collar to start out. I know it can be controversial, but when used properly as a training aid, it can really make a difference. Our pup happily walks without it now. Harnesses just don’t provide the same control, according to our trainer. It sounds like a good safety measure for you though, since you can use it to grab your dog. I’m sorry others aren’t keeping their dogs from running around loose. It’s absolutely understandable yours wouldn’t want another dog in his face.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        Thanks for the suggestion but I don’t think group situations are an avenue I feel comfortable considering right now.

        1. AAM fan*

          There are dog trainers that specialize in reactive dogs. I have two such dogs, ask me how I know! We’ve started with private classes – just two classes made a big difference. I think the next step can be group classes, again specifically for reactive dogs, which is a safe space to work on the issue. Also for one of my dogs, medication (antidepressant/anti-anxiety med, clomipramine), solved the problem completely. So you have more possible options to explore which hopefully helps.

          1. AAM fan*

            PS if you look at the meds route, if there’s a human version ( I think there usually is), check into the price difference. Vet version of clomipramine: $200 for two small dogs per month. Human version: $40 per month. Your vet can write a prescription for a regular pharmacy. Good luck! For us, it really was a magic pill.

    6. Rogue*

      I have two pups, a pit bull and a pit mix, that are leash reactive to other dogs, but behave about as well as yours. You are doing absolutely everything you can as a responsible owner. I agree with the above posters that you don’t need to muzzle – I get you don’t want your pup to bite, but it doesn’t sound like he’s biting when he shouldn’t. A stranger violated his personal space and the dog handled it like dogs do. Muzzling your pup seems like a punishment. My neighbors love my two, even the ones with other dogs. We move frequently and one thing I make sure to do is talk to my neighbors, let them meet the dogs, and if I notice they like to let their dogs run loose, I’ll have a chat with them about not doing so and why. So far, so good. Keep up with the training, your pup is doing just fine. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        I have had some really good conversations with neighbors but i don’t often have the opportunity. I’ve found dog owners tend to be understanding but people who aren’t dog owners sometimes have a less understanding viewpoint.

        And I’ve found a ton of negativity around the breed. When a pit bull mix has issues of any kind of validates people into thinking there is a reason for the stereotype. My dog was a rescue found as a stray around 1.5-2 years. I have no idea what his life was like during his formative years but that never seems to matter to people who see any behavior issue in his breed as a natural tendency.

        1. Rogue*

          Oh I totally get it! I’m super extra careful with them because of that very reason; because if something were to happen, it’s very likely that, at least initially, people will look at them to blame, simply because of their breed. Shoot, I’ve had loose dog owners scream at me because their dog was off-leash, not only in my yard, but on my doorstep, when we came outside (my dog was leashed & ignored the dog). The woman didn’t like the fact that I yelled at her dog to “get” and then informed her and her husband that they need to keep their little dog leashed and off my property because it could get hurt. Man, she looked ridiculous as she walked around the area screaming that I had a pit bull and for people to stay away from where I lived because I had a pit bull! My neighbors had already met my dogs as had management. The neighbors even preemptively contacted management to report the troublemaker for me. They were asked to leave the next day.

    7. Uncivil Engineer*

      I have a dog that is sometimes dog-aggressive. The problem is that there seems to be no pattern to when he is aggressive and when he is not. He definitely does not like it when other dogs bark or lunge at him. But we’ll also pass houses with fenced front yards that have dogs lounging in them. Sometimes my dog sniffs the yard and we move on; sometimes he gets aggressive and I have to drag him away. 10 ft later, he’s just trotting down the sidewalk like nothing happened.

      He has twice bitten other dogs, both of whom were loose when they were bitten. One was a minor injury but the other required a trip to the vet for stitches. I reimbursed the other person for the trip to the vet.

      I tried a soft muzzle. I considered it less scary-looking than one of the cage-type muzzles but my dog made a scene every time we went out. He would often stop and try to get it off. He would flop over on his side
      so he could use all four paws to swipe at it (he never succeeded) and sometimes this happened while we were crossing a street. Needless to say, the pace of our walks slowed considerably and, since we was always in distress, I had to give up.

      My solution has been to just keep our distance from all dogs. As I cross the street to avoid other dogs, people say to me: “My dog’s friendly!” Well, mine’s not. One thing that has helped me is to answer this with, “Sorry, my dog is unpredictable.” Not only is this true in my case, but I feel like the other person isn’t judging me so much because “unpredictable” isn’t the same as “aggressive”… at least, it isn’t the same in my mind so it makes me feel better.

      It helps that my dog LOVES people. Sometimes I sit outside my house with my dog (on a leash) and just watch what is going on in the neighborhood. He is perfectly calm when other dogs are not around so my neighbors see
      him like this, too. People walk by and my dog wags his tail. Kids pet him. The UPS driver gives him treats. You might try this if you are able.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        I’m worried about that possible scenario with the muzzle but I’m going to give it a try.

        My dog loves people inside the house, in that case he’s a big love bug who wants to be best friends with every new person ever. We don’t have enough experience with him on a leash with strangers for me to risk having them come up to him.

        I was going to pay vet bills if requested but they didn’t ask and I didn’t want to offer in case it came off as admitting fault. I almost wish they had asked so I could have done it as a gesture of Goodwill to ease my own issues around the ordeal but don’t feel comfortable going to offer it out of the blue.

        The dog didn’t need stitches but did have a wound that needed a vet visit and medication.

    8. fposte*

      I’m not seeing a consult with a dog behaviorist in there—is that a possibility?

      In the mean time, I also wouldn’t rule a soft muzzle out— just remember it’s something you train a dog to wear rather than something you just put on them straight away.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        We have someone who is very well versed in dog behavior and I think what it comes down to is this was a worst case scenario with the action as a perceived attack. It also doesn’t help that once we were on the receiving end of an attack which didn’t help his issues.

        I’ve read up on the gradual intro duction of the muzzle inside the home using treats and rewards and am going to approach it using positive reinforcement and treats and hope to foster a positive association with it.

        1. fposte*

          I’m going to push on this just a little, in that there can be a big difference between someone well versed in dog behavior and a practicing behaviorist, who can help you mitigate the problem in future and not just understand what happened. It might be worth looking at the accreditation societies like CAAB to see if there’s somebody in your area.

    9. Jules the First*

      Well, I don’t have dogs but I have a mean tempered little pony who will take every opportunity to take a swipe at anyone and anything that we meet. When we went for a session with a behaviourist, she said the two most important things we could do were for *me* to stay calm (because if I was tense about her lashing out, it made her tense and therefore more likely to lash out) and for us to keep moving no matter what (because letting her stop allowed her to think she could “defend” her turf). Darned if it didn’t work…but I do still carry a whip when I’m walking her if we have new horses on the yard (not because *she* needs it, but because it makes *me* calmer).

      My sister’s household has a wolfdog and a pitbull, and again their attitude is that both animals should be fully focused on the person at the end of the leash during any walk. So when approached by another dog, they demand the pitbull’s attention (a heel command, a “look at me” command, or a trick or complex movement that the dog has to concentrate on) and she gets praised for ignoring the other dog. I wonder if you’re making it worse by crossing the street before you demand a sit – signalling to your dog that he’s on someone else’s territory and thus making him feel like he has to defend you/himself from other dogs? Both the wolfdog and the pitbull have to sit in place when they meet small humans or other dogs, to the point where the wolfdog will actually lie down unprompted when he spots small humans because he knows that’s the only way he’s allowed to say hello.

      1. Regular Poster Going Anon*

        Usually we cross before the dog notices other dog. He’s not the most observant and bless him- I always spot the other dog while he’s still obliviously shoving his now into the ground and often notices it after we’ve been on the other side for a few house stretch!

        I definitely have been told about the calm rule and knew very well and totally failed in the moment. I regained calm but initially I wasnt that was a big failure on my part and likely some of the reason I’m so upset about it and feeling guilty. I was not as calm and in control and I wanted to be or knew I should be, though I did regain my head and ask for assistance with a specific solution to getting the dogs apart.

        I also make him look at me. We do so well when other dogs are leashed that it’s so frustrating to have something go this badly when I work so hard and he’s usually so good. Many people praise him for his behavior, not realizing why it is I’m making him sit.

        1. Jules the First*

          I know – it’s so hard to stay chill when your darling is going berserk at the other end of the lead and visions of third-party vet bills are dancing in your head.

          Is there something you could carry (a whip? A stick? A muzzle leash?) that would make you feel more confident when encountering other dogs? Maybe you could take a class for owners/trainers that would let you two (or just you) practice dealing with exuberant off leash pups in a controlled environment?

    10. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’m not a dog person. I don’t know them, I don’t understand them, I don’t even like them. But. If 2 dogs had a negative interaction that I saw, and one was leashed with an owner trying to control it and the other was offleash (or leashed with a dumb human), I know who’s at fault. Seriously.

      It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to prevent situations, and in this instance another dog made it a problem. Keep doing what you’re doing and I predict your neighbors will see that your dog is generally well behaved and under control, and forget about it.

      Since you’re not sure of the limits of his good behavior, it would be a good idea to try to pin that down. A good trainer/someone who knows how to evaluate dog behavior may be able to help. If nothing else, you’ll be better prepared.

    11. Jen*

      I had a dog aggressive dog. Our dog walker, who is an expert at all things Dog, always had a walking stick when walking dogs (all dogs) because Dog Things Happen. The stick was to keep strange dogs away from “his” dogs, because other owners are dumb.

      So, I’d recommend a walking stick that you can use to physically separate the dogs if ever a dog pursues you/your dog.

      I had a similar incident where a giant dumb (sweet) Newfie barreled through its electric fence to come goober on me and sniff my dogs butt on the sidewalk (we couldn’t see the dog in the yard, or we’d have been across the street). My dog flipped out, pulled so hard i lost the leash, the. Ram that dog into a hedge where he barked at it, snapped/growled at it, then peed all over the hedge by the time I got there. He’d basically “treed” the Newfie in a bush. I got the leash and pulled him away before anything else happened but we’re it not for that big bush, my dog definitely would have bit the Newf. Who really just wanted to come say hi, but whose owner was nowhere to be found.

    12. Non dog*

      Not a dog owner but friends used to use a yellow ribbon on their dog’s collar, supposed to be some kind of universal “approach with caution” symbol.

    13. LAI*

      Honestly, i agree that it sounds like you’re already doing everything you can do. I’m really surprised that your neighbors had the reaction they did. Once when I was walking our 2 pups, a neighbor’s (much larger) dog got out of their yard and came running over barking. Mine responded by barking and snarling ferociously, and I couldn’t pick them both up. I was screaming for help and a lot of people came out of their houses and saw. The dog’s owner was very apologetic and took full responsibility for letting their dog out, even though it was an accident. No one actually got hurt though.

  50. Merci Dee*

    So, the week continued to be a fun one for me ….

    As I mentioned in last week’s open thread, I was rear-ended last Friday and had the back end of my car trashed. Got some positive updates on that – insurance established that the other driver was at fault, so the repairs will not be charged against my policy. Thank goodness, since most recent estimates put the work right at $4k. I talked with the body shop this week; in addition to fixing the damage from the wreck, they’re also going to be able to fix a quarter panel that I’d “wrinkled” a few years back when I, um, “nudged” a light pole as I was backing up and trying to avoid a car parked behind me. I’m paying for that part since it doesn’t relate to the damage from the accident, but I’m getting a really reduced rate since they already had to pull the bumper off to replace it. That’s saving me about 60% off the cost for the additional work. Thankfully, everything looks to be on track with repairs, but it’s going to be another 2 weeks before my car comes home.

    Then Tuesday happened.

    Every 6 months I have someone come out to inspect my heater or air conditioner to make sure everything is good for the upcoming season. My HVAC guy, Sonny, came out for the inspection and had some =fabulous= news — my heater’s fire box was cracked, and he had to shut off the gas to the unit because it was unsafe to operate. My unit, Sonny discovered, was 25 years old. Repairs would include replacing the fire box and heating coil, for about $4k; the unit would work, but would still be 25 years old and would probably require an escalating amount of repair until it crapped out in 2 to 3 years. Or, I could get a new heater and new air conditioner for about $6700, with a 10-year warranty on labor and parts. According to Sonny, if my heater or air conditioner craps out within the next 10 years, they won’t come out to fix it; they’ll come out to replace the unit with a brand-new one. Doesn’t that just sound lovely? (I mean, yeah, it really is kind of awesome, when I think about it.) Only downside to all this is that I really didn’t have $6700 hanging out under my couch cushions or anything, and a heating unit is pretty much a necessity during the winter. Not to worry! The gas company is going to be a real pal and let me pay them all kinds of extra cash on my bill every month until the heater is paid off.

    So, within a week, I’ve done my part to add over $10k to my local economy. I’m just hoping I can get through this weekend without wrecking my dad’s truck or losing another major home appliance.

    1. nep*

      Wow when it rains it pours.
      Great that you get that regular inspection and your guy found something before it became catastrophic.
      All the best — may things move in a better direction from here.

      1. Merci Dee*

        When I think about it, I can’t really begrudge a 25-year-old heater for finally deciding it’s reached the end of the road. By any reasonable measure, that poor heater gave everything it had. It just sucks that I have to replace it before I’ve finished out my first year in the house.

        My air conditioner needed about $1200 worth of work back in August when the compressor went out. The home warranty provided by the seller covered that work, so I paid $100 for the initial house call, and that was it. Unfortunately, that work reached the limit for HVAC repairs allowed under the warranty, so they wouldn’t do anything to fix the heater. No great loss, though – they would’ve only paid to repair the existing unit, and the old heater would have nickel-and-dimed me to death before it gave up. And then I =still= would have to replace it. I just cut that cycle short by a few years and several thousand dollars.

    2. DMLT*

      We had the same thing happen with our furnace in Dec, only the AC coil above the furnace was the cause, so we got to replace both….
      But they were from 1993 so not worth repairing.

      1. Merci Dee*

        That was pretty much my thinking, too. My units were from 1993, as well. It’s weird to think that was 25 years ago.

        1. DMLT*

          My daughter was born in 1993, and she heard me saying that and was a little offended, LOL. Furnaces and daughters have VERY different life expectancies!

          1. Merci Dee*

            The difference is huge. But it’s still kind of funny they were “born” in the same year. Good thing you didn’t have to replace the daughter! :)

      2. msroboto*

        The new unit will be more efficient so you’ll probably save a little bit each month but it won’t make up for 6700 quickly. I bet you could save 100 a month no guarantees on that amount but not out of the question.
        I replaced a heating system a few years ago and it definitely is cheaper to operate.

        1. Merci Dee*

          My HVAC guy said their company guarantees that my new units will save 25% on my gas and power bills. If the units themselves don’t save me 25%, then the HVAC company will pay me the difference. Sounds like they’re pretty confident about their equipment. I will say that I’ve noticed the heater has been coming on a lot less frequently than the old one did.

    3. Red Reader*

      Eugh, I rear ended (5mph fender bender, my fault but no injuries and minimal damage, knock wood) someone on Tuesday last week, right after scheduling install of my new heat pump for this Wednesday because mine was 21 years old and on its last legs. Solidarity.

      1. Merci Dee*

        You, too, are doing your part to support your local businesses. Kind of sucks, though, doesn’t it? Those expenses sometimes sneak up on you from nowhere.

  51. paul*

    Grandpa finally passed…planning a memorial in March.

    It’s coldish–2o degrees–so today’s all hot coco and packing. Getting books, decorations, wineglasses and a bunch of other stuff we can live without for a couple months packed up. Moving the first week in May and I am so nervous and so ready. Probably the thing I’m most bummed about is losing the hiking…anyone know good hiking areas within 30 minutes of Dallas?

    2. Emmie*

      I enjoy White Rock Lake and Katy Trail (though check to see how safe it is in your area.). I don’t know where you’re coming from, but enjoy Dallas!

  52. Aspie, are you okay?*

    Aspie, are you here?
    How are you dong? I’ve been concerned about you all week. I hope that things are getting better for you.

    1. Rainy*

      I’ve read the first few–I was addicted to Elizabeth Peters (and Barbara Michaels!) in high school but I always preferred her Jake Kirby series to Amelia Peabody. And I LOVE the standalones! The Vicky Bliss ones are good too but there weren’t enough. :)

    3. Turtlewings*

      Oh my goodness, love those books! My parents are big fans, and my dad read the first one aloud to us as kids. I’ve read a few of the others in the series, but not all. The whole family is at least casual Elizabeth Peters/Barbara Michaels fans. :D Amelia and Emerson definitely helped form my idea of how an awesome married relationship works.

    5. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Yes!! I have read them all and am currently rereading them. I’m currently on “Deeds of the Disturber.” I love all her books. (The Barbara Michael’s books too.). I read once that Amelia Peabody was based on real life Amelia Edwards, author of “1000 Miles up the Nile.”

    6. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I love them!!!!!!!! they’re amazing. There are 2 orders btw – chronological order or publishing order. I prefer publishing order, but have read both. I’ve got every book, and I think there’s a new one coming out soon. My mom preordered it for me for Christmas. (or that might be another series, I don’t remember)

      1. Dear Liza dear liza*

        The author passed away, so the series is done. Another author recently published an Amelia book using Peters’ final draft, but it didn’t click for me.

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so glad I’m not the only one!!

      I can’t remember how I came across them but I’m so glad I did. I’m halfway through The Snake, the Crocodile, and the Dog at the moment and I just love Amelia.

      1. SnarkyLibrarian*

        Oh my gosh fan girl away! I LOOOOVE the Amelia Peabody series! No one I know has ever read them, I’m thrilled to see other people out there enjoying them. I was so sad when she died, the final book just didn’t click with me either.

    8. Dear Liza dear liza*

      I adore them so much, I planned to name a future daughter Amelia. I like the ones when Ramses was young the best, so I reread through THE LAST CAMEL DIED AT NOON frequently. Never much cared for Nefret.

  55. Cuddles Chatterji*

    How can my mom and aunt protect my grandfather from the very sketchy neighbor across the street?

    My trusting, forgetful grandfather is almost 90 years old. His neighbor across the street appears to have befriended him–not hard because he’s a social butterfly and is good to his neighbors by default. However, there have been multiple occasions where my mom and aunts have been at his house cleaning while he was gone at the flea market or wherever, and this woman WALTZED ON INTO HIS HOUSE completely unannounced. It’s set off major warning bells for them.

    Some items have also gone missing from the house since this woman started coming around, including 2 guns, a cherished piece of jewelry that was my grandmother’s, and silver dollar coins. She has also apparently been selling him silver dollar coins. We know he often leaves doors unlocked, and it would be easy for someone casing his house, especially a neighbor, to see he has a regular routine of when he’s not at home.

    When my aunt brought up her concerns to my grandfather, he immediately came to the neighbor’s defense and a huge argument erupted between them. Aunt has a pattern of trying to micro-manage him, and he is consistently stubborn and very VERY reluctant to give up even a sliver of independence. (Except when it comes to cleaning. He’ll gladly let Mom and Aunt come by every week to clean up after his messes, but that’s for another time.) My aunt and mom have decided to drop by his house randomly to check on things, but they don’t live very close to him and this isn’t always practical.

    Any advice from the ever-wise AAM readership?

    1. DMLT*

      Does your area have adult protective services? We’ve been able to get good advice from them when we had a family member losing their mental abilities.

    2. copy run start*

      Nanny cam and see if you can catch this woman in the act? Maybe video proof will persuade him, and it might also give you something to take to the police if your family wants to.

    3. Star Nursery*

      Maybe install a camera and show Grandpa that the neighbor is coming in to his house when he’s out taking things from him?

    4. Triple Anon*

      How forgetful is he? Has he been diagnosed with a memory problem or is he, from a medical perspective, considered fully functioning in that area?

      If his memory and judgment are sound enough that he can live independently and make his own choices, then he’s free to choose to allow the neighbor to come in unannounced and even take things. It’s upsetting, but it’s out of your hands.

      But it sounds like this is partially a question about his ability to use good judgement and protect himself from danger. I would start there. Encourage him to get evaluated. If there are known issues, see what legal rights you have to protect him. And what other people are doing for loved ones with similar concerns. Installing cameras sounds like a decent option, but what about his privacy?

      And the real question underlying this is, can/should he be living independently? Or is his judgment impaired enough that a group living or assisted living or living alone but with visits from a health care professional sort of thing be better for him?

      Maybe that’s taking it too far, but it sounds like it’s basically that kind of question. I hope something works out. Best of luck with everything.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Given his age, living independently is not be the best idea anymore. See if you can start the process of moving him – into senior housing, with family, etc. (no it’s not easy, that doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. Sorry, but all 90 year olds need to not be living alone.)

      Specifically with this woman, talk to adult protective services or the local police about your concerns. Tell them that he’s at high risk of being financially abused, scammed, or otherwise taken advantage of. Because he is.

    6. Red Reader*

      Missing guns (!) should probably be reported to local law enforcement, no? (I am not a gun person and have no idea what requires registration or whatnot, but I watched 12 hours of Forensic Files yesterday. :-P )

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you do a pre-emotive lockdown (or remove for “repair” or safekeeping) of any key items which, if they disappeared, would signal the start of great financial, logistical, or sentimental harm?

      And +1 to the idea of telling the police about missing guns. That is a safety issue.

      1. WellRed*

        I wonder if you can also get his local bank to put some sort of alert on his accounts in case this ratchets up ( likely will). And yeah, he really needs to have a less independent living situation. I think any intervening should NOT be done by the aunt.

    8. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Oh man, elder abuse is serious business. If you’re in the US, reach out to Adult Protective Services regarding the pattern. You may also be able to reach out to law enforcement, but unless you’re a Power of Attorney or a caregiver you may be limited in what you can do directly without your grandfather’s cooperation.

  56. Triple Anon*

    Tips for combating fatigue. I need to pull some all nighters, burn the candle at both ends. What works for you? Espresso? Energy drinks?

    (Please keep it legal, hehe.)

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I used to drink Monster energy drinks when pulling an all nighter at uni but please don’t do that. I’m pretty sure I burnt my stomach out.

      When I got tired, I’d go for a walk. It was safe for me because it was on campus but the cold air and the exercise helped to shake the cobwebs off.

    3. HannahS*

      Cat naps. Never more than 15 minutes. If I can manage that, it makes an enormous difference. If I sleep for more than 15, I wake up groggy and slow.

    4. Half-Caf Latte*

      Nap-uccino.

      Drink a cup of coffee, go right to sleep. When you was up after a brief nap, coffee will have kicked in, et voilà!

      1. Casuan*

        This, the Nap-uccino [aka coffee nap, tho nap-ucccino is more fun]!
        And there’s research on its effectiveness.* I think the nap part was for 20mins, although it might’ve been 30mins. If one naps coffee-free, 20mins is the recommendation. Of course, everyone is different.

        *I read about this several years ago so the research might be out of date; I’m too lazy to look it up again :)

      2. Hrovitnir*

        I am SO JEALOUS of people who can do that. I can’t nap at all really, as it takes me more than 20 min to get to sleep even when falling asleep on my feet. I do know someone who has perfected the coffee nap though and it sounds awesome.

    5. Elf*

      coffee ice cream (the good stuff with real coffee in) worked better than actual coffee for me (the sugar? the cold? IDK)

    6. Effie, who is pondering*

      I used to sip something cold and sweet, like iced chrysanthemum tea. I can’t have caffeine and the combination of cold & sugar worked really well for me. Plus then you have to keep getting up to use the restroom which also kept me awake.

    7. Thlayli*

      When I was writing my PhD thesis I would stay awake for 24 hours then sleep for 12. Let your body find its natural rhythm and ignore the sun and stars. Don’t set alarms – sleep till you wake and stay awake till you need to sleep.

      1. Casuan*

        Yes, body clock.
        Also, when I was in university I learnt not to look at the clock after I started to wind down. Knowing I only have a short time before the alarm worked against me.
        To this day I turn my alarm clock away so I can’t read it.
        Although with all of our electronic devices it’s difficult not to see the time so I’ve had to adapt. Post-its help.

  57. Anonymous Educator*

    San Francisco house hunting is ridiculous. Spouse and I just got outbid for a 2-bed/1-bath condo, and the winning bid was over $900,000. I give up.

        1. Ann O.*

          I’m several years out of date, but places like Pacifica, Redwood City, San Leandro, Hayward still seemed affordable (well, by Bay Area standards) back when my family was looking and are reasonable commutes to SF. I wish I lived in Pacifica, but it’s too far to commute to the South Bay.

          But yeah, it’s really bad here. Unfortunately, I think we need time travel for solutions. :( We either need to go back in time and build a unified, well-developed fast public transit system that can make bedroom suburbs actual viable options or we need to go back in time and build enough housing stock to keep up with the jobs. San Mateo and Santa Clara county seem to be finally waking up to the fact that they need to build more homes, but the problem is so deep at this point.

      2. Snark*

        Shyeah, there’s suburbs, like Mountain View and San Jose. Too bad they’re where almost every giant tech firm in the US is located.

        1. SAHM*

          Not necessarily, you can get a nice house in Hayward, Castro Valley, San Leandro area for about the same price as that condo, but the commute via Bart will be 30-45 min a day. Of course, I live even further out and hubs commutes 2 hrs to SF every day (4hrs total).

    2. Dr. Doll*

      Yeah, it’s grand.
      sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2017/08/30/homeless-san-jose-state-professor-struggles-living-out-of-her-car/

    3. Sarah G*

      I live in the Bay Area (Santa Rosa), and am actually surprised to hear that a 2 bdrm condo in SF is going for under $1 million. As far as I can tell, living in San Francisco is only for the 1%, or people with multiple roommates.

  58. many bells down*

    I’m so frustrated with Amazon over something so stupid.
    Back in November, I ordered a supplement for a game that was to be released in December. Early in December, I found the item somewhere else at a better price, so I canceled the order. Two hours later, the seller claimed it was shipped.

    TWENTY days went by, with the only tracking info being “post office is awaiting item.” They charged me $12 for this “expedited” shipping, for an item the size of People Magazine, by the way. So I contact Amazon again and say that this clearly hasn’t been shipped because it doesn’t take 20+ days to ship something from Arizona to WA, and can you guys cancel this? “Oh yes we’ll cancel it immediately!”

    Two days later, the item is in my mailbox. I return it, unopened. The seller charges me “restocking” and also refuses to refund the “expedited” shipping charge, so it’s less than 50% of what I spent. Five Amazon reps have now promised me that they will “follow up with the seller” and get me a full refund. And then they each never contact me again. Multiple people have made the same complaint against this seller. I’m almost ready to cancel my Prime over the frustration of this, and it’s not even about the dollar amount anymore.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Say exactly that to the next rep you talk to — that you’re going to cancel Prime if this isn’t resolved immediately, because you’re never going through a transaction like this again, and yes you blame them as much as the original seller. Be very clear what you want — a full refund immediately. Escalate to the next tier of rep if necessary (actually I might do that regardless). “Polite but deeply, deeply annoyed” is a tone I have found gets results.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Can you dispute the charge with your credit card company? I was able to do that in a similar situation.

    3. Lauren R*

      Threatening to cancel your membership is probably your best bet if you haven’t done so already. I would also switch the focus onto the poor service you’ve received from Amazon. Tell them that five separate times Amazon has promised to resolve things with the seller and get you a refund, and absolutely nothing has been done and this seller’s account has remained active despite him having multiple complaints against him. Now you feel that due to all the times you’ve been given the runaround, they need to refund you directly regardless of whether the seller is willing to resolve this with you – and if they won’t, you no longer feel confident ordering from Amazon and would like to cancel your Prime subscription then and there.

      I imagine they probably won’t be as open to just giving you a full refund to your credit card, so try asking that they credit your Amazon account for the amount you lost. You can also try asking them to waive your Prime subscription fee for however many months it would take to make you whole again (which seems most likely to get approved if they’re resistant to other options). Good luck!

      1. many bells down*

        I told them that this last time. And I still got “ok I’ll forward this to the team and get back to you in 24 hours.” Which is the same thing every other guy has said.

        1. Observer*

          Well, if they say that to you, that answer is “No. If you cannot process the refund now, I am cancelling my Prime membership NOW.”

    4. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I had a similar issue with another fairly reputable company and marketplace selling platform – I was prepared to pay their $60, until it didn’t deliver as quickly as I paid for it to be here and purchased another for 1/2 price in the panic. Ordered the second a week later and the original came 2 weeks after it was expected. I had to fight tooth and nail for a full refund. Threaten to call your bank if you need to. I finally gave them an ultimatum – they could provide a full refund and pay return shipping in the next email or I would contact my bank and PayPal. Guess what the next email was? Authorized full return. :-) But I do sympathize, that was by far the worst experience I had shopping online and the stress took a solid 8 years off my existence.

    5. LadyKelvin*

      I’ve been having similar problems with amazon. I ordered something in January that gave an estimated arrival date. The data comes and goes and it hasn’t even been shipped yet. I contacted amazon, basically asked wft is going on and they told me one of the items in my order was backordered and so nothing had shipped yet. Aside from the fact that everything was in stock when I placed the order, I asked why they hadn’t shipped everything else. The answer, oh well we were waiting to ship everything at once. But the item was backordered with no estimated date of when they would get it in stock. I said some angry things about how ridiculous it was that they hadn’t even bothered to tell me that stuff was delayed, and they gave me a $15 credit and promised to mail what was in stock. They shipped it that afternoon, it arrived the next day and everything was in it. I don’t know what they were doing but its not the first time I’ve had trouble with them.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Ugh, something similar happened to me. I ordered an album called “Clarinet Thunder” because it had an all-clarinet version of “Molly on the Shore” on it. It was a gift for a friend (we both played clarinet in band/orchestra). Her birthday came and went, no album. Amazon kept updating the estimated delivery date. A month after her birthday, no album. Finally, I got disgusted and canceled the order.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I’ve had weird problems with Amazon. Recently I placed an order of several different items and 3 of them were shipped together in a single box. Although the box contained a lot of packing material they placed a smaller item under a larger one, and there was still a lot of room in the box for things to shake around inside it. The smaller item was damaged. After I sent them a polite email… crickets. Then I noticed a refund on my credit card for the cost of the smaller item. But I never heard a word from them. They’re weird.

    7. many bells down*

      Update: Last night a supervisor told me “we cannot process this refund because it’s a third-party seller.” Even though it had “fulfilled by Amazon” on it and they removed my seller feedback because they “take responsibility for this fulfillment experience”.

      So 5+ customer service reps were outright lying to me when they said I was getting a refund. I’m livid.

  59. Casuan*

    Even though I know it’s a standard warning, for some reason this is particularly amusing to me:
    HP Ink Cartridge warning
    Caution: Do not drink our place in mouth. Keep out of reach of children. [yadda yadda yadda]

    I think what gets me is the need to tell adults not to eat or drink the cartridge. Now I’m waiting on the day when someone tries to sue & the attorney argues the warning only mentioned the ink cartridge & not the ink itself.
    :::not overthinking, this is just how my mind works; I’m not spending much time on pondering this wording:::

  60. Lcsa99*

    Crafty people!

    My mother in law recently gave us a platter. I think it’s just made out of china. Its also a great size that we could really use. The problem is that it’s really ugly.

    Is there any way we can paint it and still have it food safe? We obviously don’t have any access to a kiln to set whatever we do to it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    1. Merci Dee*

      My daughter used to go to a Christmas event where the kids got to decorate tea cups with special food-safe paint pens that became permanent when they were baked and cooled in the oven. I’m sure you can find similar paint in regular bottles instead of pens at your local craft store. I would recommend hand washing instead of putting the platter through the dish washer, if you’re able to find something.

    2. HannahS*

      Yes, I’m fairly sure you can buy food-safe ceramic paint that’s set with an oven. I’ve heard of Porcelain 150 and I’m sure there are others. I don’t know how opaque they are, though, in terms of covering an old design.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      Check out DIY blogs for tips on painting plates. They’ll have suggestions for the right kinds of paint to use and care tips.

    5. Adele*

      Or just embrace the ugliness. We had hideous dishes when I was a kid because they were a gift. We all knew they were ugly and we joked about it. When my parent’s finally replaced them, we each took a piece. My plate makes a special appearance with fudge on each Christmas and I eat cereal from the bowl despite having lovely dishes in my own home.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Haha, this. We had the world’s ugliest chair growing up. It rocked and also spun around, but it was HIDEOUS. Here is a picture of our cat sitting in it, beneath the world’s ugliest curtains. https://i.imgur.com/1vqifxN.jpg
        Though we laughed at it, I kind of wish I had it, because it was also really comfy.

        Embrace the ugly!

    6. LAI*

      well, the thing about serving platters so that you can’t really see the pattern anyway once its full of food. My mom has an absolutely gorgeous peacock pattern platter and every time she uses it, i always think it’s suck a shame that you can’t see it all. She keeps it in a display case when not used.

  61. selina kyle*

    I’ve been really feeling the travel bug. I live in the Kansas City area and really want to take a weekend trip somewhere.
    Any suggestions?
    What’s the best road trip you’ve gone on?

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I noticed she wasn’t here either. Elizabeth, you have become a habit! I hope all is OK.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I’M HERE
      I was just really busy yesterday and then the Olympics came on and I couldn’t watch skating /snowboarding and read AAM at the same time. Plus, I got distracted when a friend and I replied in support to a tweet about a Black woman’s encounter with a ridiculous racist (the racist tried to turf her out of her chair). My notifications are still blowing up.

      Y’all are nice to notice I was gone. :3

  63. Helpful*

    GUYS I won the soup “Souper Bowl” contest AND I WON A TROPY

    Pioneer Woman’s Chile con Queso, velveeta for the (literal) win!!!!

  64. VictoriaQ*

    Does anyone have any opinions on getting your clothes tailored? In one of those ‘a friend of a friend met [famous person]’ stories, someone mentioned that they got to interview Clint Kelly from What Not To Wear, and when asking how the all the clothes, especially for plus-size women, managed to look so good, he said that they got everything tailored. That even with celebrities, they got the size they needed, and tailored the rest to fit.

    So, has anyone here gotten large parts of their closet tailored? Do you feel like it makes a difference in your life? It wouldn’t really occur to me to get anything tailored unless it was formal wear or maybe business wear.

    1. Erin*

      Yeah, I heard that they (celebs) even got t-shirts and the like taylored. One reason was that they never knew when someone might take a picture of them and so they had to look good even in everyday clothing. A bit sad, really.

      That being said, as a very ordinary and very small person (5 feet) the difference between shortening trousers/pants yourself and getting a professionel to do it – you can feel the difference and I would love to have all my shirts and other clothing fitted to me.

    2. fposte*

      Yes. And yes.

      I’ve shifted over more to nice knits as I get older, but, IMHO, it particularly pays off with tops, blazers/jackets, and dresses. (I’m not including stuff like getting things hemmed here, which is pretty much obligatory for me.) There’s a learning curve, and I developed a relationship with a tailor where I would literally take stuff over to her with the tags still on to figure out if what she could do with it was worth the while.

      But I’m short-waisted and big-busted and I hate back poof and strap flop and I get tired of folding the cuffs back on everything, plus where a blazer falls really makes a difference to how you look in it. If I had one thing I could do over again in my closet, I’d have bought less and tailored more right from the get-go.

      1. Nye*

        How did you find a good tailor? And can I ask how much a good tailor charges for alteration, e.g. of a blazer?

        I’m in a similar boat (short, busty, short-waisted) and have been thinking of tailoring for a while. I’m finally in a place where, financially, it’s an option, but don’t really know where to start. Any additional advice?

        1. fposte*

          I think I just asked around. People who’ve gone through a wedding are often good sources if they did alterations outside of the bridal shop. Tailors associated with cleaners are variable–some are good, some aren’t–so I wouldn’t automatically go to one but I wouldn’t rule it out either. Start with something easy that’s redoable if it’s terrible, like hemming pants or a skirt, and see how that work looks before going deeper.

          I’m in a LCOL area and it’s been a few years since I’ve gotten work on a blazer, but when I looked around online I found some prices that are pretty much on a par. I’ll post some links in followup. It can mount up if you get several things done (and lined things will always cost more because it means the action has to be done twice), but it still means what you have is a much nicer piece of clothing than the one you started with.

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      I don’t get lounging around clothes tailored, but a lot of my work clothes are. I find few things that fit me right off the racks. Almost all of my pants are shortened and a couple of my blazers have been tapered because my shoulders are too big for my rib cage (according to fashion). For pants, it’s the difference between being able to wear them and not. For blazers, I do feel better when the blazer hangs better. Oh, and a lot of sleeves have been shortened.

    4. Candy*

      I sew so I make and tailor my own clothes and I feel it makes a huge difference. Having something that fits me perfectly makes me more confident (like I stand straighter or something. I don’t know?) Even just shortening the sleeves on a jacket that otherwise fits well or taking in the side seams of a dress that bags the tiniest bit under the arms makes a huge difference

    5. Triple Anon*

      Yes. I get my clothes tailored. Some dry cleaners have in house tailors. That’s a good place to start. It’s not expensive at all. Just bring the to be tailored clothes in with your dry cleaning. The tailor will take some measurements while you try them on. Then you can pick everything up together.

    6. HannahS*

      I learned how to alter my own clothes because it makes a huge difference to me. I’m still working on developing some skills (taking in pants at the back to get rid of the gape, argh), and I’d never trust myself with business wear (it’s too expensive to risk), but I do alter a lot of my casual shirts and sweaters. It makes them significantly more flattering. What I find most helpful about it is that it gives me more options, because I can buy things that are just ok and do some very simple alterations and BLAM I’ve got something that looks more like it was made for my body.

    7. SC Anonibrarian*

      Oh my god yes it makes such a huge difference. I don’t get t-shirts tailored, and I currently only buy cheap jeans because my cats pick at them, so I don’t bother with those either, but dresses, blouses, slacks and jackets? Heeeck yes. There’s something very deeply satisfying about wearing something that fits juuuust right, and that level of fit rarely happens off the rack. If you can afford it and don’t have body issues that would be exacerbated by someone (who SHOULD BE very professionally and non-judgementally) measuring and adjusting your clothes while they are on you, then at least consider getting clothing that is very drapey or very structured tailored for your particular shape and personal style.

  65. Ingrid*

    Denmark is sending vikings to the Eurovision Song Contest!
    We’ve just grotten the results and real, fishermen-looking with long hair and beards (and no helmets) won the competition with 50 % of the votes in the top three final. It is a little exciting.
    Normally I’m not very interested in Eurovision but watching this song was like getting sucked into a story – a story that says sometimes you do not win and that there is nothing wrong with that. And I think that’s an important lesson to learn.
    (and an ironic song for a competition whether they win or lose.)

    4. Ingrid*

      Yay! Oh, and after re-reading the lyrics I realized the song isn’t about not winning, it’s about walking away from a fight, choosing to lay your weapons down, choosing peace. Still a good lesson.

  66. The Other Dawn*

    Werid question, but who here loves wooden spoons?

    I remember always liking my mom’s wooden spoons when I was growing up. I had a few over the years but they were just cheapo ones that were the flimsy wood. I just didn’t care for them, as they either didn’t feel right in my hand or were either too big or too small. A few years ago I discovered the most awesome wooden spoon at Bed Bath and Beyond for $4.99. I use it quite often.

    Hubby and I are in Sturbridge, MA this weekend and I just found four wooden spoons at a couple antique stores and just had to buy them. They just seem so well worn with the right size bowl and handle. One would be the perfect mashed potato scooper, while another seems good for soup. I can’t wait to get home and use them! (I know, it’s the little things. LOL)

    Oh and I also finally caved and got myself an early turned wooden bowl that’s quite big. Not sure what I’ll use it for other than a dining table centerpiece for now, but I’m sure I’ll find something.

    1. The RO-Cat*

      Here we use wooden spoons for food preparation since… ever, really (we eat with regular metal ones, wood is only for preparing). Some are the normal size; some are a little bigger, or with a longer… tail? stem? what’s the word? Some are humongous (my MIL has two, about 1 meter / 3 ft long for fruit jams – she’s making jams in 50- to 80- kg batches. Also, veggie relish). Some are real works of art (see link in my name – I’m not affiliated and gain nothing, but folk art is sometimes dazzling)

        1. Casuan*

          They really are!!
          On each spoon, the spoon areas all have a wide-ish line that’s perpendicular to the spoon. I thought it was natural, although perhaps not? The line looks indented & also a bit too uniform- also that doesn’t seem viable because of the detail & skill & it wouldn’t make sense to do so unless the spoons are sold as a set.
          Any ideas about the mystery lines?

          ps: I’m just now drinking my coffee so what probably reads as rambling, overthinking & a future cringe when I read this later… it’s my mind waking up…lol!! [& true]

          1. The RO-Cat*

            You made me curious and I looked at my spoons (regular, eons-old wooden spoons) and they have the same line. It’s a bit recessed, like a groove. I can only suppose it comes from the production (like from the tools used to carve out the bowl of the spoon).

            If you want more images like the above, google “linguri de lemn” (Romanian for “wooden spoons”) and enjoy!

    2. Be the Change*

      I love wooden spoons. I wish I hadn’t broken the one from my mom’s kitchen to bits by using it to try to push basil down in the blender while making pesto. /stoopidmove

      I also love bowls, of all kinds and shapes and sizes, especially wood and clay. There’s something about a bowl that echoes all the way back to caveman days for me.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Agreed on the bowls!

        My house was built in 1735 and I want to eventually decorate in the primitive style (not sure if that’s the same as early colonial?). I figured the bowl would be a step in the right direction. I’ll have to make a blog post with this weekend’s finds.

    6. Nana*

      My darling Japanese friend brought me wooden demitasse-size spoons as a house gift. She explained that they’re for eating ice cream without chilling your lips on a metal spoon! [Also, you must take smaller bites. So you take a smaller serving and savor it…rather than shoveling huge amounts quickly!] I love using them…and she’s right.

  67. Aphrodite*

    Holy cow, has anyone priced shoes lately?

    I haven’t bought shoes in, um, maybe six or more years. (I nurse mine along.) But the ones I use for work, like slide sandals, are hopeless. So last week I went onto Zappos and found some that I like by Onex. They are instantly comfortable, look nice and (as a bonus) are made in the US. However, there’s one problem: They make the small. I mean you need to order at least one size up, maybe two. And they only make medium-sized width shoes.

    I tend to wear 10.5-11, mostly but not always in a wide width because I like my toes to be comfortable. Alas, Onex only goes up to a size 11. I ordered that but they came yesterday and they are . . . . small. I am still trying them in the house but am discouraged. These three pairs cost me about $320 (including tax).

    So this morning I took my four pairs of my work shoe-sandals to a local repair shop. I was almost too embarrassed to do so because they are so bad, but the guy wasn’t even phased. Turns out he’s seen a lot worse, apparently. He is going to fix them up to be brand new, better than brand new because he’s replacing the fabric with leather and is using higher quality materials. But it is costing me $75 for each pair.

    I have decided to do that and return the new ones. I wish I could keep them; if they went to a size 12 they likely would have worked. *sigh* But I will get four newly revamped shoes for about the same price.

    I simply cannot believe how much shoes cost. That is what happens when you go so long–which I will no longer do, though I am not a shoe fan who loves new ones.

    1. Snark*

      Honestly? I haven’t purchased a pair of high-quality shoes for less than $100 in….over 10 years, really. I just bought a pair of backpacking boots that were $230. My work shoes were around $130. Particularly for US-made shoes, that’s where prices are – of course, you can buy lower-end shoes for much less.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I just searched high and low for leather knee high boots in brown that are a women’s 12 wide. I found them finally, but they were 179.00. But that’s actually what leather boots cost unfortunately. Shoes always cost a lot for me because of my shoe size, and I have to shop online because of it, but I pay it because cheap shoes, like Payless, tend to make my feet sweat quite a bit. They just don’t breathe. I despise shoe shopping…

    3. DMLT*

      Oh, I feel your pain. Sucks to be a larger than average footed woman. When I can, I’ve taken to buying men’s shoes. That works for athletic shoes and that’s about it, though. Sometimes they enlarge the sole but not the opening you put your feet through. (I’m looking at you, DANSKO.)

    4. Kuododi*

      If you are in US and have a DSW Shoe Warehouse in your area, it would be worth looking into. (Keep in mind it usually takes bribery and an Act of Congress to get me to go shopping…. loathe the activity!). DH managed to sweet talk me into going shoe shopping about 3months ago. I was able to get two pair of really good Clark shoes one clog style one loafer and between the sale they were running and the $40 off coupon I believe the total was around $60 for both. It’s worth it to get on their coupon mailing list. They are also always running great sales and have a huge clearance area.

    5. Rebecca*

      I hear you! I wear a women’s 12. It took me forever to find a pair of cute booties with straps, and I paid $110 online from 6PM. My dress shoes are very plain, because I simply can’t find them here. My entire county has 1 store that sells shoes: WalMart. So frustrating.

    6. AAM fan*

      Thrift stores! Although not sure because your feet are an unusual size. I have completely average feet and have gotten AMAZING shoes there for very cheap.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Yes shoes can be costly.
      Try online:zappos, 6pm, Maryland square, (dot com for all of these), and/or regular department stores online. Stick to whatever is on sale. You can sort search results from lower to higher prices; stop scrolling when the results exceed your maximum price.

    8. Chaordic One*

      You’re so right. Finding shoes that fit is exasperating. In addition to Zappos, I’ve had good luck at Shoes.com (very similar to Zappos, but usually a bit cheaper). I used to have good luck at Nordstrom’s, but they don’t seem to carry as much variety in shoes as they used to. I still have good luck at my local New Balance store, but you have to be careful and try the shoes on beforehand. Since so many of their shoes are now made in other countries, it seems to me that those shoes are all smaller than labeled. (Like if you usually wear a size 12, then you need to buy a 13.)

      I keep threatening to order the same shoe in different sizes (like size 12, 12 1/2 and 13) and then return the ones that don’t fit, but so far I have never done so.

  68. Lauren R*

    I have been thinking about adopting a cat but I’ve only ever had dogs before. Any dog-turned-cat people out there have advice for me? I have a dog currently (she was in a foster home with cats and didn’t mind them or really pay any attention to them) and she’s eight years old so I’m definitely thinking a kitten would not be a good choice, and I’m leaning towards a senior (or at least an older adult). Since I adopted my dog fairly recently, I’d want to wait a little longer before making any sort of final decision but would just like to be thinking about it in the meantime and would love some feedback.

    I’ve always really loved cats but grew up with beagles and a lab mix who would not have coexisted with them peacefully, and my previous dog was very much an “only dog” who wouldn’t have enjoyed sharing her house or my attention with another pet. My current dog Clover is very relaxed and I can’t see her minding sharing the attention. As I said her foster home had cats (and dogs and a baby) and she was apparently happy with all of it. I haven’t actually had the chance to observe her with one though, so I can’t say for certain how she’d react.

    Personally, I have next to no hands-on experience with cats. I’ve been around my friends’ and neighbor’s cats and always enjoy it but have never taken care of one by myself long-term (and never at my own house). My thought right now is that fostering could be the best option to start with, though I’m not sure if a rescue would allow me to foster given my lack of experience. If they would, I think it’d be a good starting point since I’d get the chance to see what it’s like to have a cat around without the same kind of pressure attached, and I’d have the resources and advice of whatever rescue I’m working with to help me get started. Then if it doesn’t seem right for me or for Clover, I could let the rescue know and we could decide what to do from there depending on whether or not it’d be safe to keep fostering until the cat found a home.

    For some additional context, I live in a house (not a rental), and I’m home fairly often. I also have a spare unused bedroom that I could easily make off-limits to my dog by putting up a baby gate, which I’ve heard can be a good idea to give the cat some security. My dog is very calm and really just likes to sleep most the time. So far she has been very trainable. I’m still working with her right now (she got a nice head start since her foster family taught her the basics) and I wouldn’t bring a cat home until I know for sure I can get her to listen reliably even in stressful situations, so as I said I don’t think I’ll be starting any sort of serious decision-making for at least several months. But any feedback would be really helpful!

    1. Ellie*

      Do it!!! Cats are the best! Contrary to popular stereotypes, cats and dogs will get along just fine; their human just has to think carefully about introducing and training them.

      As an official crazy cat lady (5) with an abundance of dogs (4), I can assure you they work well together. Once you feel your dog is at a point where she can have another companion animal in the home, I advise going through a foster organization. If their fosters are anything like I was when I fostered, if the cat adoption doesn’t work out, you’ll be able to bring them back to a loving home that will continue to help them find their forever home.

      And yes, I said them. Adopting a pair of litter mates is a great idea- they’re already bonded, they’ll have each other when they want to play like cats, and honestly, two cats isn’t any more work than one cat.

      And when I say litter mates, I do mean kittens. Not necessarily teeny tiny ones, but not full grown- when they’re young like that, they’ll come to view the dog as a bigger cat, leading to an awesome relationship between them all and a happy family for you.

      Now, older cats are often surrendered or abandoned, which is soooooo angering. There will be plenty of those to adopt as well. An older cat just wants to chill with its human.

      So, whether solo or a pair, young or grown or senior, you can count on cats being a fabulous addition.

      1. DrWombat*

        Agreed re the whole ‘big cat’ thing, sort of. When I was in middle school we found a barely weaned kitten that my sister and I fell for, but my cat didn’t want anything to do with. Our blue heeler, on the other hand, immediately decided he was her baby and from then on they were inseparable – Harry Potter even wound up acting more like a dog! He’d run to the front door meowing if the dog went there barking, he slept with her on the dog bed sometimes, and she treated him like her puppy. When the dog passed, he was clearly heartbroken, but took very quickly to the puppy we got two years later. Said puppy wound up learning how to do the cat loaf thing from Harry Potter, and wound up being best friends with Harry Potter until the cat passed at a ripe old age. To this day that dog is still very catlike in terms of how he perches on furniture (he loves to cat loaf on the back of the couch). It doesn’t always go that well when they’re young, and I know we got lucky, but it can go really well sometimes.

        Best of luck!

      2. Lauren R*

        Thanks so much for the advice!! My concern with getting a kitten is that with Clover being a bit older, she may not appreciate the energy and playfulness. Eight isn’t too old and she’s healthy – but just not very playful herself so I’m not sure she’d react as well to a kitten in her face as she would to an older cat who is more calm and not as interested in her. She is a very people-centered dog and so I can see a people-centered older cat being good company for her; she’s sweet but a cat who really wants to play with her probably won’t get very far. There were some younger dogs in her foster home and she tolerated it but did not want to join in at all and preferred the quiet. So I worry about bringing a little kitten into the house and potentially disturbing her peace in a way an older cat hopefully wouldn’t – ideally because they want the quiet and peace too.

        Another thing I’m curious about, which I feel very silly for asking: are cats more prone to getting into trouble than dogs, and if so how much more? I’ve always heard complaints that with cats you have to keep everything out of their reach and that it’s really hard to keep them off the counters and such. But you hear similar things about how dogs get into everything and chew on your things/etc, and it’s pretty rare that the dogs I’ve had actually did mess things up or cause any problems like that (unless someone left food on a low-hanging shelf haha). Sometimes they did but it wasn’t this every day, constant thing like I’ve heard about with cats. I feel silly for not knowing the answer here but how truthful is that in your experience? I’m not always the most organized person and things can get a little cluttered. I don’t mind a mess but my concern would be the cat getting into something that’s a hazard for them and always having to be hyper-vigilant about where I put things to the point of it being stressful (since with my dogs, I’ve only ever had to keep things up higher than their short legs could reach). Is it something you just kind of get used to and it becomes second nature to prevent it, or do you often find it difficult to prevent cats from getting into things? (With all that said, my parents always had beagles while growing up so I do have experience with keeping tempting-but-off-limits stuff extremely secure haha)

  69. Nicole*

    Hubby and I are finally going to tackle remodeling our ugly fireplace this year. We discovered a product called Airstone that will work great for the wall since it’s lightweight and easy to install, but we’re not entirely sure what to use as the mantel. We were thinking of a railroad tie but are open to suggestions. Has anyone redone their fireplace and have some tips to share?

    1. Sandra Dee*

      I just did mine, sort of. It didn’t have a mantle, and I used a very knotty piece of pine, and stained it a darker grey, as the walls of my den ar reclaimed barn wood. And removed the brass and glass doors, and added a decorative screen. Still considering white washing the brick, but not brave enough for that yet. If I can figure out how to link a photo, I will include that.

    2. Notthemomma*

      By railroad tie, you mean a beam of that size or actual ‘trains ran over it’ railroad tie? If it’s a beam, you will want some long sturdy bolts into the studs as they are heavy. If it’s an actual railroad tie, please don’t. They are treated with I think creasote (?) to make them last longer and that stuff smells NASTY, may give you headaches and contains carciniogens.

      1. Nicole*

        Thanks for the info. We weren’t sure if we were looking for an actual railroad tie or just one that has that kind of look, but now I know to stay away from a real one!

  70. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Late on this, but I am back from Kauai! I hate overnight flights.

    I had a lot of fun, and wife and I drove pretty much the entire island.

    Also, how does one best get rid of bruises or reduce the pain? I went ziplining on Wednesday before we left, flipped sideways in the air- and crashed into the wooden “stop” platform with my right hip and buttock at 30-35 mph. I have a huge, dark bruise the size of a softball on my upper outer thigh where it starts to meet the glutes, and have been limping and stiff. Of course, flying doesn’t help matters! I fit in the seat fine, but someone fidgeting or moving their armrest could and did ram into that area of leg/hip. Begged the gate agent for seat changes and still got the middle seat on both legs.

    1. Forking Great Username*

      Fun but ow! I would think you should stick to pain meds that will help with the inflammation – ibuprofen/Motrin/Aleve, that sort of thing.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I like arnica oil to help with big bruises. I get bruised a lot (I am a giant klutz) and I picked some arnica oil in Morocco, although I’m sure you could get it here. And when I was in a car accident in 2016, I had a massive bruise across my chest and arnica faded it from black to gone in less than 10 days.

    4. Effie, who is pondering*

      Ice! Ice, ice, ice your sore bits. 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off. Repeat as needed.

      Arnica works for me too.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Willow bark will reduce swelling, if you add ice you can get some results fairly soon.
      Willow bark is in health food stores and some of the larger grocery stores.
      It’s the natural equivalent of aspirin, however, I find it works much quicker on bruises than aspirin. A friend had really good luck with it for her swollen, broken toe. After one day she was able to get a shoe on her foot again, which she desperately needed to do as it was winter.

  71. undercover for this one*

    I’m having an issue with my cousin and I’m just looking for thoughts and opinions. I’d appreciate hearing what people have to say about it.

    Over the last year my cousin has experimented with her appearance. She has kept most of the changes. Examples are: cutting her hair shorter and doing undercuts and non-natural hair colors such as blue, no longer shaving her body hair or maintaining her eyebrows and purposely trying to/not caring if she gains weight (25-30 pounds total).

    I firmly believe it’s none of my business and to each their own when it comes to appearance. However, she constantly complains that her significant other broke their engagement off and no one she is interested in wants to date her because of her appearance. She insists she is happy with her looks.

    She brings it up constantly. While I do believe in everyone’s right to look and dress how their what, I also believe that no one is obligated to like it or find it attractive. That doesn’t mean you can be mean to someone but you do have the right not to date them if you aren’t attracted to them.

    How do I get her to stop constantly complaining about it. She goes on and on about men being shallow. It’s the only thing she talks about and it’s getting tiresome. I imagine it’s worse because I disagree with her but still. She is beginning to alienate everyone (friends and family) around her.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who read this

    3. Not So NewReader*

      “You mention this a lot. What is it that you are looking for out of this whole situation and what are you willing to do to fix it?”

      Or you could say,
      “I am sure this will all work out in a bit.”

      1. Casuan*

        “You mention this a lot. What is it that you are looking for out of this whole situation and what are you willing to do to fix it?”

        This.
        The variation is for you to stop accepting the complaints. Tell her that you really can’t support listening to the same complaints when she isn’t doing anything to fix the problem (“fix the problem” is bad phrasing; there are better words to use tho I can’t think of them just now).
        And then when she starts back up again, tell her that you really aren’t willing to listen to this any longer.
        Be firm, yet compassionate.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      It reminds me of when some of my artsy friends get huge tattoos and get “rockstar” hairstyles and then complain when people think they’re weird. Don’t dress in a provocative manner and then get mad when people are provoked.

      She’s just as shallow as she thinks men are if she expects anyone to be taken by her faux interesting style.

    5. Merci Dee*

      Like, besides the conversations about guys, have you talked with her about what’s going on with =her= lately? I just got the feeling from your post that she’s going through some internal stuff, and these are the external manifestations. I can’t tell if her fiance broke off the engagement as a result of the changes, or if the changes are a result of the failed engagement. But maybe she has some things she needs to unpack and get settled before she can move on to a new phase of her life.

    6. TL -*

      People are still going to find her attractive (I know people who look like her who have significant others) but she’s now shopping a different part of the market. Is she looking for men who also have alternative looks? Because she could just be barking up the wrong tree.
      Anyways, I would just tell her she’s telegraphing a very solid message about who she is with her looks and she needs to find a place filled with men who respond to those messages. If she’s interested primarily in men who are more conventional/conservative, she’s probably barking up the wrong tree.

    7. NaoNao*

      You know, I went through something somewhat similar. I was coloring my hair unnatural colors and stopped dressing in a very conventional manner and sort of…embraced my natural comfortable weight (rather than diet and work out all the time) and I was very, very conflicted about it all.
      One on hand, I felt exhilarated and free. I loved my new hair and I loved my funky, artsy, weird clothes.
      On the other hand…
      I felt scared that “men” wouldn’t be attracted to me and found evidence for this all over (stay away from certain parts of the internet, kids)
      I felt like I was betraying my parents in a weird way (like they spent a lot of time and energy raising me in a certain way and I was throwing it away)
      I felt like I was both more myself and wearing a costume
      I felt that I was being fetishized by men ( I was to a certain degree), that men thought my looks meant I was “easy”, “not GF material” “a SJW” or other derogatory things. I also thought the guys who did show respectful attraction were weird and “not my league”.
      I felt like I didn’t have the edgy, cool personality to carry this look off, but when I saw others with similar looks, they seemed dorky, awkward, weird, and off putting.
      I felt that some people might think my hair and style choices were a childish bid for attention.
      So, in short, there may be a LOT going on in her mind.
      I spent a lot of time agonizing, justifying, complaining about “men”, tweaking my dating profile, changing my looks back to more conventional/back to more extreme, asking questions, going on forums, etc etc etc.

      After about 2 years, I’ve now settled down and grown into my comfort zone of less extreme but still eclectic looks. She probably will too.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: I hung out with some baby monkeys today. I had a good appointment with my specialist doctor (as mentioned in the mental health thread I was stressed as last time I saw a trainee who made mistakes, but they have got rid of the trainees – not the right place for them to learn – and assured me I’ll always see an experienced specialist which is most excellent news). And my manager okayed a conference I’m dying to go to.

      Worst: someone at work saw the ‘please offer me a seat’ badge on my coat and wrongly assumed I was pregnant (which is not medically possible so a very sore point). I always knew that might happen and I survived the experience, but that was a pretty awkward elevator ride we had there.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks. I always knew it might happen and used to take the badge off my coat to avoid it. I tried to channel all things AAM and not feel I had to completely solve the awkwardness. I did explain what the badge was, but didn’t reassure the person that what they’d said was ok.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      Best: I checked my budget and I was able to buy my husband a Nintendo Switch for Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait to see his reaction!
      Worst: I’ve applied to many jobs and haven’t been hearing anything back. I know part of the problem is academia being academia, but it still frustrates me.

    3. Anon for this*

      Best: started my new job this week. I’m sad to be working again and my cat was inconsolable when I left on Monday but I’m finally in my dream field and will be making a paycheck again so I can finally have some necessities I’ve been doing without.
      Worst:. Trying to find a place to live. We were trying to buy a house and were pre-approved for a mortgage. Found a gorgeous place that we loved, went to apply for the real mortgage and found out the broker had changed the numbers we gave him for the pre-approval so actually with the real numbers we don’t qualify for the mortgage. This happened a bit ago but this weekend we are starting to look for a new rental and there’s nothing nice. I’m just heartbroken about having to rent again and don’t even have the emotional energy to look, but we can’t stay here anymore because it’s just not a good place for us.

    4. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Recovering from the PTSD caused by my last workplace.

      WORST: Lingering cough from a cold I had.

    5. Casuan*

      Best: My amazing friends. Also, I’m finally getting caught up on everything that was stacked on my desk.
      worst: the circumstances that prompted my amazing friends into action

    6. HannahS*

      Best: (school-related, sorry!) I shadowed in a hospital tonight. One patient I saw and his wife were (justifiably) angry and upset at the whole situation, but it was wonderful to see how helpful it was for me to listen. The wife, who was much more frustrated, was palpably relieved just to have someone listen and say, “Wow, yeah, that really does sound awful,” and “Yes, this weather is terrible to be driving all around town” and “Yes, it’s so frustrating that there doesn’t seem to be much progress.” She was much more relaxed by the end of it. Amazing how much care can be done outside of mediciny-medicine.

      Worst: I completely messed up my sleep schedule and I need it back! I’m so mad at myself!

      2. Mimmy*

        So wonderful to read this–the art of listening can be rare in our fast-paced world. Feels good when this has an impact, doesn’t it? :)

        By the way, I hope medical school is going well for you – I remember some of your past Best & Worst posts. Glad it all seems to be going well.

        1. HannahS*

          Thanks! It’s kind of a rollercoaster, and I’m sure will feature heavily in my Friday + weekend posts for the next few years lol!

    7. DrWombat*

      BEST: Got to hang out with my family this past weekend, particularly my brother. I am excited that I am moving from a plane flight away to just a 6 hr drive! (being able to drive at least means I can do more long weekends or spur ish of the moment visits). My nephew his thrilled I will be able to come for easter AND his birthday this year!

      WORST: My energy levels are all over the place as I try to reset my sleep schedule, and I slept funny enough on my shoulder that it really threw me behind on physical therapy. It’s been hard to keep up and too easy to procrastinate.

    8. Elkay*

      Best: We now have a light we can actually see by in our living room!
      Worst: This now means all the other lights in the house look super old and dim.
      Second worst: Went to a party and got trapped by an energy vampire, turns out my other half and I were both trying to save each other from it and in the process both got taken down. We left early.

    9. SeekingBetter*

      Best: Somehow lost half a pound without really trying.

      Worst: Too much snow fall in my area this week – argghhhh!

    10. Paquita*

      Late to this party. :(
      Best: Good performance review. And got a small raise. I posted last year I had some trouble at non-weekend place. Had a ‘counseling’ and needed to improve. I haven’t done anything differently (I think) but apparently boss is now happy.
      Worst: DH was in the hospital all week. Came home yesterday!

    11. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: Had a really good time with friends on Wednesday watching the Doctor Who Christmas special again and then on Saturday with meditation group.

      WORST: Ice last night and today. Dear dumb people, don’t try to drive in this crap. Almost nothing is important enough to get out on the roads. I’m not using my little bag of salt to help you a second time. Go home and stay there!
      At least the power is still on. We didn’t get much. The words ‘freezing rain’ now fill me with terror.

  73. BRR*

    This is mostly whining but I don’t see how I’ll ever save enough to buy a house. I feel like my husband and I earn good salaries but every time we save some money something comes up. Between living in a high col area and student loan debt it seems like it will never happen. Any stories of hope? Advice?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Inheritances come around so infrequently that it is worthwhile to put them into savings as if you never received it.

      But there are other sources of surprise money, such as tax refunds. I always watched the surprise checks that came in. Once we got a house we would get a refund on our escrow account each year. I made sure we did something with it that we absolutely needed.

      You will need that cushion of money to handle emergencies with the house, so definitely get that cushion in place and maintain it forever. Then worry about the down payment.
      As far as owning the house, we went down to a bare bones budget when we moved here. It’s a good life habit to constantly be looking for ways to reduce your expenses. I find a couple new-to-me ideas every year. Bills only go up.

      Another thing I did was watch the things that popped up and drained our savings. Is there a way to prevent this problem form happening again? I got soaked by one car repair place. I changed places and reduced my annual car repair expense by 75%. I looked at the details of certain problems to see how they could be better handled better to cost me less in the long run.

      Now I am on my own here. I rotate through the monthly bills and try to find new ways to reduce the bills one at a time. It’s normal to me now and it used to upset me. I am no longer sure why.

    2. FD*

      Does it make sense to buy a house in your area? There’s this cultural assumption in the US that of course you should buy a house and it always makes sense, but it’s actually not always true.

      As a rule of thumb, it only makes sense to buy a house if the cost of PITI (principal, interest, taxes, and insurance) are at least 15%-20% less than the cost of rentals. For example, if you can rent a place that meets your needs for $1,500, then you want to be able to cover PITI for $1,275. The reason for this is that as an owner, you have to cover your own maintenance costs as well as the other ones.

      Also, unless you’re buying a it to rent to someone else houses are not an investment. Yes, a house bought for $150,000 may sell for $200,000, but when you factor in the maintenance costs over that time, interest and insurance paid, inflation, closing costs, and the cost of commission when selling, you generally aren’t looking at much of an increase over time–often not much more than inflation (if that).

      1. Rainy*

        In my city, mortgages are pretty much twice the cost of renting. We’d like to own, but it’s probably not going to happen here unless something changes pretty drastically. The usual solution to “it’s too expensive to buy here” is “buy an hour commute away”, but I do not want an hour commute, so…we’ll see what happens, I guess. :/

    3. Overeducated*

      No advice, just commiseration! Prices here are going up much faster than we can save right now, and unfortunately rents are also pretty comparable to mortgages (and people who bought 5 years ago pay a lot less than renters). It’s very frustrating.

    4. RestlessRenegade*

      I feel your pain. I really, really want to buy a house someday, but I also have outrageous student loan debt. I’m reducing my costs as much as possible–moved to a low col area (which was incredibly lucky and I know not possible for all), moving again to get a small place and lower rent, getting on an income-based repayment plan for loans (which is saving me $550/month), cutting back on spending, etc. Even with all that, I’m looking at 10 years before I can make a strong down payment. It’s really hard and I wish you luck.

  74. Pathfinder Ryder*

    Wasn’t sure whether to put this here because it’s fictional characters or in the Friday thread because it’s work: People with fictional character display names, what workplace problems would they write to Alison about?

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Dear Alison,

      There are 5 people on my team including myself. The other 4 people are couples, including the boss (or “Mastermind” as he likes to be called). Everybody has their quirks but over the years we’ve learned to trust each other and work well together. But now the boss and the PR/HR head are leaving (riding off together into the sunset) and it will just be our computer expert, procurement expert, and me, security. The procurement head will be the new head, her boyfriend and I will report to her. Do you have any suggestions for easing the transition?

      Thanks,
      Wes Abernathy
      (not my real name)

  75. AvonLady Barksdale*

    OK, so now that I have thrown in the proverbial towel and decided to stay in tonight with my cold and sore throat… Does anyone have a good hot toddy recipe beyond the usual bourbon, honey, and lemon? Curious if there’s a way to make it more interesting.

  76. Forking Great Username*

    The in-laws are coming over for dinner tomorrow. Suggestions for dinners that seem nice but aren’t high maintenance right at the end? Like it’s okay if I have to put some work into it before I pop it in the oven or crock pot, but I don’t want to be too busy in the kitchen finishing up dinner to greet them and stuff when they arrive.

    1. Emmie*

      I enjoy the recipes from Skinny Taste. I also like Williams and Sonoma’s crock pot starter sauces. They are incredibly flavorful.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      Almost any lasagna. Make it ahead in a pan and refrigerate until time to bake or made it ahead in your crock pot (better if you have a rectangular one, but you can make it work with a round one) and cook on low for 5-6 hours. If you use no boil noodles and jarred sauce, you can throw a simple red lasagna with the usual ricotta, parmesan, mozzarella together in about 15 minutes actual prep time. Add a little longer if you want to saute some veg or meat to go in.

      2. BRR*

        Piggy backing off this there are some pesto lasagna rolls that is the same process. Can prepare ahead of time and just throw them In The oven when it’s time.

      3. Mrs. Fenris*

        Lasagna has been one of my go-to’s for entertaining for 25 years. All the prep work is ahead of time and you can put it in the oven just as people are arriving.

    4. Anona*

      In Garten’s pastistio is along the same lines as lasagna. It’s more work, but it’s so freaking delicious, and once it’s in the oven, prep is done. It’s got wine, and both bechemel and meat sauces. So very yummy.
      If you do make it, I recommend less salt. I think she calls for 1tbsp, which was too much.

    5. Nye*

      There’s a phenomenal recipe for baked chicken with fennel and clementines from one of the Ottolenghi cookbooks (Jerusalem, I think). I’m sure it’s also available online. Takes some prep time up front, but then you can marinate everything together overnight and just pop it on a sheet pan in the oven to bake while you’re entertaining. It’s delicious and an unusual flavor combo, and I love to make it for guests.

  77. Dr. KMnO4*

    Cider Summit at Navy Pier next Saturday!!! I am so excited to see what new ciders are out there!

    I’ll be at the morning session, wearing a throwback Chicago Blackhawks jersey/sweater. It would be cool to meet people if anyone happens to be there.

  78. Ugh, ugh, ugh*

    I saw a trailer for Amy Schumer’s latest movie. It’s title is something like I Feel Pretty. The premise is that something happens to her or she gets amnesia and suddenly feels pretty and likes her body and how she looks. Because she was apparently so gross and fat before (rolls eyes). Amy Schumer is like a size 8, is white, able bodied, cisgender, blonde and straight. But the movies makes it out like she is a gross pig because she isn’t a size zero. The whole premise of the movie made me so mad. I’m so sick of the one narrow standard all women are supposed to meet.

    1. Red*

      I initially felt the same outrage, because I am about the same size as Amy, but then I thought about it – I feel chunky sometimes! My doctor just gave me some grief about my weight! I feel frumpy in dressing rooms! What if I didn’t? And that might be the idea of the movie. Shape of a body appears to have zero to do with confidence in it.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      I’m trying to reserve judgement until I see it or at least read reviews – hoping it’s pointing out how bizarre all this is (although yeah, I realize that still leaves a lot of other issues off the table that very much need to be on it.) But this movie does appeal to me a bit based on some stuff I’ve been going through lately. My work is doing a Biggest Loser contest, which I am not participating in, and it is all anyone wants to talk about. I’m an apple shape, so like my waist is a size 16/18 while the rest of me is like a 12, and it’s so freaking demoralizing and crazy to listen to all of these women who are like size 6 go on about how badly they need to lose weight, and watch them basically starve themselves in their effort to attain the results they want. Before I started this job I was finally in a place where I was starting to accept my body shape, and while I’m conscious of the fact that I need to get back to some healthier changes I had going for a while, I need that to be on the back burner for a few months because I have a lot going on in my personal life right now. But listening to these women’s crazy talk about their bodies is making me feel like a fat piece of you know what. I’m hoping maybe they’ll challenge that mindset in the movie.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I expect (hope) that it will touch on public opinion of Amy herself. She’s gone on the record as claiming that she thinks she’s very pretty. Other people (magazines, blogs, men) reacted in a bizarrely hostile manner, doubling down on their statements of how horribly fat and hideous they think she is. She’s an attractive woman, but she dares to not be a perfect Margo Robbie beauty so men really are very hard on her. So she made a whole movie that shouts even louder that she thinks she’s pretty.

      I think I’m pretty. I’ll openly say so when a conversation swerves in that direction. It’s not something I feel the need to interrogate too much, as I think there are worse things in the world than a woman feeling okay about herself. However, you wouldn’t believe the pushback I get to saying that I think I’m pretty. Even on this site! If Amy can’t say she’s pretty in an interview without the entire internet ganging up on her to tell her she’s fat, I think it’s okay for her to make a movie about it.

    4. nep*

      Initially I’m mortified by this idea for a movie and the perception of what constitutes a problem, frankly…but I too will reserve judgment till I learn more about it.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Also, I was just reminded of the early reaction to the Ruby Sparks trailer. People thought the movie was going to be a clueless example of the MPDG archetype gone awry. Instead it was a smart takedown of the MPDG trope: the guy writes a woman who’s so wonderful that she knows she deserves a better man than him, so she leaves him.

    6. nep*

      Stumbled upon the trailer on a fitness Instagram I look at occasionally.
      I certainly won’t see the movie — nothing looks the least bit appealing to me. (To each his/her own.) If anyone sees it, report back on whether any really important message in the movie or anything. From just the trailer, looks like a ridiculous idea. Just. Really?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I was reading down through the comments and one person said in 2015 Amy said she was 5’7″ and around 150.
        That is pretty close to describing me. So I am supposed to feel fat? I’m thinking not. I could stand to put on some muscle maybe.
        Just scanning the basic premise of the movie because she thinks she is beautiful she is able to do all different stuff. What. So the target audience of this movie is good looking people who believe they can’t do anything because they aren’t good looking? A modern Cinderella with ugly stepsisters replace by ugly self-talk. Good luck with that.

        1. nep*

          Well and just that bit where her friend says she’s dealing with some ‘low self esteem’ stuff, and the Amy character wants to punch her…As if low self esteem issues are always only to do with looks.
          Anyway the entire premise just grates.

    7. Tris Prior*

      I feel like the premise is not so much that Amy is gross because she’s not a size 0, but more about how many, many women feel fat and gross and only see their supposed flaws, even if they’re an average or even low BMI? Because society has such ridiculous standards of beauty and so many companies (weight loss products, beauty companies) make money by making women think they’re hideous trolls who need to be fixed. I’ve certainly felt that way, though I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to sound like a huge a-hole.

  79. Little Paws*

    I’m a longtime reader. I rarely comment on here, but I read the posts daily (as well as the comments!) and you all are some of the smartest, witty, common sensical, no-BS peeps around. My post is probably going to wind up being somewhat lengthy, so feel free to move on, I totally understand! Sorry if I’m a bit rambly as well!

    I’m 3o and looking to relocate and have a fresh start in my life. I live in New England and am looking to move to another New England state. I’ve been with the same company since 2011. I’m currently a “team lead” for a huge financial services company . Our jobs are being steadily shipped over to India, so layoffs are the name of the game right now. Due to my “lead” position, I’d be one of the last ones to go, but I have no doubt that it’s a matter of when at this point.

    I’ve been going through a lot in my personal life over the last few years as well. My father died in 2012, my grandfather a year after him, and my mother may not have much longer left. (Kidney failure and dialysis is really messing with her heart function) I don’t have any kids and just recently ended the emotionally abusive relationship that I’ve been in since 2012. Although I am hurt and devastated on many levels, I know that ending the relationship was ultimately the healthiest thing to do.

    I guess I’m just struggling with starting over from scratch. I desperately want to move to a new place (I’ve wanted to move for some time now, this isn’t a knee jerk reaction over the end of my relationship) yet I’m nervous about it. A part of me is disappointed in myself because I thought at age 30, I’d be settled and I’d have it all figured out. I’ve done very well at my job, always receiving stellar performance reviews, etc. But the jobs we do are easily done offshore, so we all have an expiration date. I’m worried about starting over at a new company. I’m worried about starting at the bottom and having to work my way up the chain all over again. If I were in my early 20’s, it wouldn’t bother me as much. But for some reason, being 30 has me feeling really old! I’m waiting for my AARP card to show up any day now! Seriously, though, I’m just looking for some encouragement I suppose, maybe some of you would be willing to share you “I started all over” stories with me?

    It’s not like I’d be moving across country. I have family and friends in pretty much all of the NE states, and I vacation in most of them, so the areas are not totally foreign to me. I just can’t shake this feeling of disappointment in myself that I’m starting over at my age. Perhaps my recent breakup is adding to that feeling of disappointment. I’m trying to view the upcoming layoffs as well as my breakup as a “springboard” of sorts. A springboard into a new positive chapter in my life. I just can’t seem to shake these feelings of sadness, disappointment, and just being all around nervous! Even though my relationship was very damaging on many levels, I became complacent and comfortable. Even at my job, my group is very tight knit and we are like a little family. I had my job, the relationship, I had the routine waiting for me every day. Now all of that is going away.

    Thank you if you’ve made it this far! Any advice or kind words would be very much appreciated! It’s time like these when I really miss my father :(

    1. nep*

      So sorry for your loneliness…for the pain over your father and for all your losses in the family. I’m glad you reached out to this terrific community. (I’m also glad you’re out of a relationship that was damaging to you.)
      A couple things come to mind…The most gratifying and fruitful times (and opportunities) in my life came when I stepped out of my comfort zone — perhaps trite, but it’s true. You will be taking a massive leap out of your comfort zone and it’s understandable that you’re apprehensive. But to this outsider it sounds like one hell of a springboard for great things.
      Good on ya for the stellar performance reviews. Take that and fly with it. Please don’t be hindered by concerns about your age. People successfully start over at 30, 40, 50, on up. You’ve got this.
      It’s normal to be nervous. I think you’ll end up surprising yourself on how resilient and powerful you are.
      I look forward to updates. Wishing you all the best.

      2. Casuan*

        The most gratifying and fruitful times (and opportunities) in my life came when I stepped out of my comfort zone — perhaps trite, but it’s true. You will be taking a massive leap out of your comfort zone and it’s understandable that you’re apprehensive. But to this outsider it sounds like one hell of a springboard for great things.

        So very much this!!
        & it isn’t at all trite.

      3. Little Paws*

        Hi! Thank you SO much for your kind words! It means a lot and I don’t think anything you said was trite all. I’m trying not to wallow too much. I spent most of yesterday making lists of cities I’d like to consider, and I also looked at job listings in those cities. I’m going to try to arm myself with as much information as possible. I have a week off from work in April, so I plan on traveling to these areas to get a better feel for them! Luckily they’re all within 4 hours from where I currently live. I’m still working through a lot of the emotional pain/baggage, but I’m trying to balance that out by working on my future. :)

    2. Rogue*

      I don’t have any advice but wanted to give you a big internet hug. I’m very close in age to you and in a similar boat, except haven’t been able to leave the relationship yet for reasons. Good for you being able to get out! Hang in there. Everything will be okay. One step at a time.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m sorry you’re in this situation. If you want to talk more about it, please know that you can do that here.

      2. Little Paws*

        I’m sorry you’re in that situation! This is my first breakup so I don’t know what to expect but so far it’s pretty awful. I’m just really focusing on self-care and being good to myself, keeping my eye on the future, etc. I’m lucky in that sense that logistically, it was easy to end things. We weren’t married, have no kids, and I had the $ ability to move out and get my own place. I’m still a total wreck and am bursting into tears all throughout the day, but I have my little chihuahua with me and he always puts a smile on my face. Thank you for your response and I truly hope you get to a point where you are able to end the relationship. I spent most of my 20’s being miserable and I just couldn’t fathom spending another decade like that. *hugs* to you as well. I know it’s not easy!

    3. nep*

      Apologies for so many posts here, but I just want to add this: The very fact that you’re being true to yourself (by getting out of an abusive relationship and making a move you’ve wanted to make for a long time) is probably being overshadowed right now by your apprehension. But it’s huge — and I really think that your being true to yourself on these levels is going to lead to great things.

      1. Little Paws*

        Thank you! I’ll admit, a serious health scare of my own last year, along with all the deaths in my family has really put me nose to nose with my own mortality. It really gave me that kick in the butt that said “hey silly, you get one life, so you better get moving and make the most of it and enjoy it!” Tomorrow is never promised to any of us, so I’m really going to do my best to make good choices and put myself first, from here on out!

    4. Casuan*

      Little Paws, what matters is where you are *now.* And you are in an amazing place where you have the freedom to have a new life. That’s rare & wonderful… & scary.
      Be proud of your accomplishments & of what you’ve overcome; even the little things. Write them down so when you’re down you can refer to the list to remind yourself of what you’ve done. You’ve been through a lot & I’m so sorry about your mum’s illness, your dad & your grandfather. Ending an abusive relationship is no small task & I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through.
      One of my favourite expressions is “Act, don’t react.”
      … so after processing the emotions you’re going through, then go into action mode. Trust yourself to know when you’re ready for that.
      :-D

      1. Little Paws*

        Thank you :) Your words are very true and they mean a lot, thank you! I went through a lot of loss/deaths over a short period of time, so I kinda lost myself along the way. I’m definitely trying to re-frame my thinking, and see this as a positive opportunity to start over.

    5. Aluminosilicate*

      I went back to school at 29, and started an entirely new career at 35. I had those same feelings of disappointment and “oldness.” I’m glad to have made the changes. The stress was pretty significant, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And if I hadn’t taken that risk, I would still be my current age today, and I would regret NOT doing it. If you can think of it as going TO a new place, and not AWAY from your current one, that may help.

      1. Little Paws*

        I like that way of looking at it! Going TO something new and hopefully better! Congrats on going back to school by the way! Too many people don’t think it’s an option, when it really is! I’m really happy for you! :)

      2. Ktelzbeth*

        This is essentially what my dad said when I complained (at 29) about how old I’d be when I was ready to go into practice if I started medical school that year. “How old will you be in 8 years if you don’t do to medical school?” Okay, point taken. It was a huge change and a scary restart after a divorce and a cross country move, but I am in a better place today for it. Hugs to you, sympathy for everything that is and has been hard, and good wishes.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      You’ve been through so much. You are a badass, do you know that? I also wondered why you’d have to start at the bottom and work your way up – can you make a lateral move?

      Turning 30 felt weird to me. It made me grieve more for the many years I spent with my abusive ex. I thought I’d be married with a house and kids.

      And. You asked for starting over stories. I moved at 26 because I was out of a seven-year relationship and so sick of everyone knowing me as a person I didn’t feel was me any more, whether they knew my ex or not. I didn’t get to leave my problems behind – I still had all the same emotional pain with me, and sometimes it hurt more and sometimes less. But I got to go somewhere new and build a new life and meet new people and make new decisions about who I was. I’ve never once regretted it.

      1. Little Paws*

        I’m literally trying to hold back tears right now! First, thank you SO much for responding. I feel the same exact way! It’s both sad and a relief that someone else grieved for those “lost years” as well. Most of my friends/peers enjoyed the hell out of their 20’s. My 20’s were horrible. Now I’m 30 and I feel horrible all over again. I feel like it’s never going to end. When am finally going to be happy and settled? My 40’s? 50’s? These are the things that keep me awake at night. I know life isn’t easy and I’m trying to be as resilient as I can. It’s just so tough. The pain / emotional abuse doesn’t go away overnight. I can’t blame him for it all since I chose to stay in the relationship. I didn’t love myself enough. And that’s maybe the worst part. I’m angry at myself because I didn’t look out for ME and protect ME first and foremost. I let myself down. I kinda lost myself through all the deaths in my family . I was caring for everyone else and putting everyone else first and now I need to pick up the pieces of me. I like your last sentence the most, and that is exactly my goal right now. To start over somewhere new and have a clean slate. The emotional pain will hopefully work itself out eventually, and I will need to take care not to repeat the same mistakes again. This is my first breakup ever, so I’m new to the entire thing! It’s absolutely awful! I’m doing my best to leave it all at the door and perform 100% when I’m work though. It’s not easy when I feel like I’m about to burst into tears at any given moment though!

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I was unhappy with my area and career in my late 20s so I relocated halfway across the US and started over in a tangential career.

      I was unhappy with my area in my mid 30s so I relocated to a new country and started over (and I mean started over – no furniture, no nothing), but kept the same career.

      I am now 40 and unhappy in my career and am eyeing up a career change this year – scary, sure, but as someone above mentioned, it could be another five years and I am still in the same position being unhappy, but if I switch and try something new, I could very well be in a much better place, closer to my goals, in five years rather than unhappy and wishing I had just tried.

      The point is that you are never too old to try something new, whatever that new may be. As long as you go into it with a plan, direction, and goals you can limit the amount of risk that it won’t go well. Time is a finite resource and the most valuable thing we have – would you rather spend your time having made positive action rather than waiting passively to be impacted by other decisions outside of your control?

    8. Not So NewReader*

      You get to hit the Re-do button.
      This does not come up often in life and some folks feel so shackled they will never see it.
      The hard part is when we don’t get to pick the timing to re-do everything. Many times circumstances force us. This is because of the inertia you speak of here. That which is familiar can be comforting, even if the familiar is not good. The devil we know and all that.

      The unknown can be very scary. The one counterpoint to that concern that I found is to PROMISE myself with every cell in my body that I would pick carefully and work hard to make things work. See, it’s not really the change that is the issue. It’s finding the determination to absolutely keep going until we find what will work.

      Odd thing here. You have done this already. At some point you reached 18 and you started life on your own. You built up something for yourself. So now you are going to do it again. It sounds daunting and tiring. BUT. You have already been through much of the learning curve on how to do this. You have a fair idea of what works for you and what won’t. It won’t be the way it was when you got your first place or your first job, you have acquired skills and knowledge since then that will be very useful to you.

      We never lose ALL of our routines, some routines that never leave us. For example, what we eat for breakfast, the way we do our laundry and the types of cars we gravitate to. Those things are still in place. These routines are what help to provide continuity to our lives where ever the road goes.

      I definitely vote for going somewhere that you have a friend or family member. You don’t have to live next door to this person. If you are an hour away that is plenty close. Since employment is a big deal, try to pick an area that seems prosperous. Find a place below what you can afford and decide to live there for a year while you get other aspects of your life going on. As you consider where to go, think about the question, “Do I stand a reasonable chance here of having some successes?”

      One idea that might work is to pick a couple towns and come back. Ask if anyone has any good/bad inputs on these specific towns.

      Lots of people here are starting over or doing their own version of starting over because of divorce, death, job loss etc. You are in good company. And another thing that you have in your favor is that you KNOW to talk to others whose opinions you respect. You are not letting yourself fall into isolation, this is huge. This will help you so much.

      Let us know how it is going along for you.

      1. Little Paws*

        Thank you so much for your response! I’m so grateful to everyone who took the time to read my post and offer their thoughts. The readers on this site are some of the kindest, smartest, most awesome people I’ve had the opportunity to interact with, so I’m definitely glad that I opened up!

        I’m still working through a lot of emotional pain/baggage, but I’m trying to offset that by doing my research and making lists that will help me start over. I spent most of yesterday making a list of towns/cities that I might like to live in. I also looked at various job listings to get a feel for which areas had more plentiful jobs and what the pay scales were like. I have a week off from work in April, so I plan on traveling to these cities to get a better feel for them!

        I currently live just outside Boston. I’m looking to move to Vermont, New Hampshire, or Maine. I’ve always loved the country setting. The job market isn’t that great in NH for my area of work, but Portland Maine has a lot of opportunity, and Burlington VT doesn’t look too bad either. Luckily, these places are a 4-5 hour drive from me , so it’s not too bad. I’m doing all I can to save as much $$ as I can too.

        I agree with what you said about finding a place that’s inexpensive. I figure I can move up there, get a “starter” studio apartment that’s below what I can afford, so I can live comfortably and not have that stress while I’m figuring out the rest of my life. If I decide to remain in that city, then I can move into a larger place once I’m at the new job long enough and I feel secure financially.

        You’re very correct about the comfort in familiarity. “The devil you know.” That’s likely a large part of why I remained in this situation for so long. Although I’m in a lot of emotional pain right now, I know that I’m lucky to be able to hit that “restart” button!

        Thank you again so much for your thoughtful response. It’s a big help and It means a lot :)

        1. SC Anonibrarian*

          I have family along the Maine coast just outside of Portland and they love it there. They say that most people are reserved but friendly and helpful. Portland is a really fun city – a good size to have interesting scenes and nice things but not so huge that it’s overwhelming and impersonal. It sounds like regardless of how shaken up and sad you’re feeling, you are ACTING with purpose and direction and good self-interest, and my therapist keeps insisting that is the important thing; she says that feelings follow actions, not the other way around.

          1. Little Paws*

            Oh that’s really helpful and good to know! Thank you! I’ve heard great things about the Portland area from multiple people, so it helps to have others chime in as well! I like what your therapist says about feelings & actions. I’ve actually been thinking about finding a therapist. It probably wouldn’t hurt to unpack the 7 years worth of baggage that’s crammed into my brain! I never talk to my primary care physician about this stuff because I fear she’ll just throw pills at me (benzos, etc) but maybe therapy would do me some good!

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I was looking at where OP typed Burlington. Living vicariously for a moment there. Any time I have been to Burlington I have always been impressed with how friendly and kind everyone is. If I were to move, I would seriously consider Burlington.

  80. Mrs. Fenris*

    So the big news from my week…Fenris is having gastric bypass surgery in April. I hate it that it has come to this, but it has. He’s really not doing well, physically or mentally. I am cautiously excited about the idea of having my husband back, but I’m really intimidated at the size of this undertaking. And worried about him.

    1. Observer*

      Lots of luck with this. I know one person who had this, and it really did turn his life around.

      I hope Mr. Fenris does well.

    2. Book Lover*

      I found it really scary before my relative did it, but it has been amazing! She seems a decade younger and is off a bunch of meds, goes up and down stairs easily. It is so wonderful.

  81. Observer*

    Is there any way to schedule a comment on one of the open posts? I just saw a jaw dropping HR related post that I put on the open thread. But, given the timing I suspect no one will see it.

      1. Observer*

        Lol!

        But, yes, that is seriously messed up. It also helps explain why SOME companies do this stuff. Yech!

  82. Legalchef*

    Ugh, I am so run down. I’ve been sick pretty much nonstop since before Christmas. First an awful cold/bronchitis thing, then coxsackie, and then another cold and stomach virus at the same time. I’ve taken a couple days off work but not enough of them, and everyone keeps telling me I need to just veg out. Of course, easier said than done with an 8 month old! I did rearrange my schedule to take a day off this week, so at least there’s that. But I’m just so exhausted… blah.

      1. Legalchef*

        Thanks – it certainly doesn’t help that the hubs came down with a stomach virus last night too, and the kiddo was unusually cranky today (I think he is finally about to have some teeth pop out). I need a nap. And a vacation. And a nap while on vacation.

  83. Anon for this*

    I’m looking for advice about screen limits for a 15-year-old. My daughter just came to me asking for more privacy regarding her screen time. She wants to be able to have screen time in her room. Screens are the TV, computer, iPad, and iPod touch. She doesn’t have a phone yet, but some sort of phone, smart or dumb, is probably coming this year. Right now, the rule is she has to be in public where we could walk by and see what she’s doing. We hardly ever check, but she has a strong need for privacy. It runs in my family so I understand, but her dad and I feel that she’s a teenager and while she may have safe consumption now, it may not stay that way and we need to be aware of what she’s doing and watching and who is contacting her. She’s accused us of being helicopter parents. And maybe so; she is our only so she gets more attention and focus than her friends who have siblings. The other piece is she is LGTB+ and newly out to some of her friends. Her dad and I are aware of the higher risk of bullying and want to be able to be responsive to any threats as she continues to come out. Her school and friends seem pretty cool, but I don’t want to assume all will be fine. I’ve done some research online and every site recommends keeping the screens out of the bedroom, so feel like we’re not being too restrictive. Any thoughts or advice?

    1. Rogue*

      I had a stereo and tv in my room at that age, along with my own land line telephone but internet access was done in a public room of the house.

    2. KR*

      So our desktop PC was downstairs so when I was on it I had a decent amount of privacy as a pre teen but the understanding was that my dad could check on whatever I was doing at all times. If I was going on the computer my parents often asked me what specifically I was doing and would come downstairs and see what I was up to. I had some rules and a general “no chatrooms ” rule.

      When I was a freshman in high school my aunt’s/uncle’s/grandparents pooled their money and bought me a laptop and I could have that in my room. My dad didn’t monitor it at all. I probably got into some stuff I should not have been looking at but in general my parents taught me good internet safety and I didn’t feel like I had to hide something. I would often be in the living room with my laptop doing whatever with my dad in the room. I know it was really helpful for me in a small town because I could Branch out online and do my own thing without my dad looking at what I was doing. As a young bisexual too it helped me to be able to do research and explore the LGBT community without my parents. Do what you think is right but I would be inclined to give her a little privacy. You’ve taught her well, time to let her fly.

    3. Notthemomma*

      This may cause some controversy, but why not tell her she can have the privacy in her room, but you will have some sort of keylogger or *legal* spyware on devices and that you hold the right to do spot checks? Then, she understands not everything is monitored, but has to maintain standards that you explain are the same you have in your work life (IT being able to monitor at work). You would have the added bonus of having proof if bullying does occur and action needs to be taken.

      1. Cat*

        Yeah that is definitely a great way to damage your relationship with your kid. I assume that you don’t have the same sort of relationship with your boss as you do with your parents, and I’m not sure why you would even want to try to establish work-like relationships in your actual house. Using keyloggers (+gps trackers) is pretty trademark for abusive romantic relationships and it is giving me heebie jeebies that you would recommend them as something that a parent should be willing to use on their kids. Trust goes both ways and installing tracking software on someones computer is a great way to show that you are absolutely not trustworthy.

      2. Observer*

        You don’t need a keylogger to prove that someone bullied the kid. In fact, it’s the least useful tool I could think of!

        A few screen shots would be a MUCH more useful item. And you get that by having an actual CONVERSATION with the kid.

    4. Observer*

      Screens out of bedrooms because they interfere with sleep.

      That’s a separate issue to how much privacy she should be getting.

      Monitoring your daughter’s internet use is a totally non useful way to protect her from bullying. Far better to help her to gain any skills that could be useful in this respect. Also give her the confidence that she can come to you with issues and that you will have her back completely. No second guessing, no “are you suuuure?”, no freaking out and taking action that makes things worse from her point of view. You simply CANNOT protect her by monitoring. For one thing, the only way to really know about threats on line is to totally strip her any privacy and monitor EVERYTHING she does on line, all the time. And that will do zero for the rest of her life. Unless your daughter feels like she can talk to you, you’ll never know what happens in schools and in any other physical space she inhabits.

      What you are doing now doesn’t really improve her safety now. It just gives you an illusion of control and safety. and illusions can be very dangerous.

      What I suggest in situations like this is to do a reset. EVERY device in the house – her AND yours (you and dad) gets a filter. Because kids are not the only ones who get into trouble on the internet. The key difference between you and her is that YOU set the limits on time what she accesses, and there is a log of what’s happening. The better filters let you set some other constraints as well. Do what you need to do, but try to use a fairly light hand. And work based on what is NOW, not what she MIGHT start doing wrong or even poorly in the future.

      There are a lot of choices. The one I like is Norton Family Safe.

      1. A Non E. Mouse*

        Screens out of bedrooms because they interfere with sleep.

        Exactly – we split the baby a bit with our kids.

        1) We must know the PIN to get into the phone, and reserve the right to call on them to hand it over any time so that we can check it.

        2) No screens when it’s bed time – they hand over their devices before going to bed, and we charge them in our room overnight.

        So they get privacy, but don’t risk their sleep. Sleep is so important!

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      She doesn’t have a phone yet, but some sort of phone, smart or dumb, is probably coming this year.

      If the phone is coming this year, then you won’t be able to see her screen all the time. I think you need to let this go.

      The other piece is she is LGTB+ and newly out to some of her friends. Her dad and I are aware of the higher risk of bullying and want to be able to be responsive to any threats as she continues to come out.

      Then, since she’s 15 now, you need to make sure she knows that she can always come to you and her dad if she’s being bullied. You won’t stop cyberbullying (or in-person) bullying by making sure you can always see her computer screen. You can’t protect her from life, but you can make sure if she feels unsafe with others that she’ll always feel safe coming to you and her dad for help, a listening ear, a comforting hug, or whatever it is she needs.

      1. Observer*

        Good point about the phone. You CAN do some filtering with a phone (and should, imo), but seeing anything and everything over her shoulder? Totally going away.

    6. copy run start*

      I was the tech savvy one in the house, and my parents had no idea how to use parental controls, even if they had wanted to have the control. I had a TV (antenna) and game console in my bedroom around age 13, though the computer was always in a separate room because I didn’t have a phone jack (twas the good old dial-up days). I got a cell phone at 16 but all you could do was call or text, no cameras for MMS. I turned out okay, and so did my friends. I know my parents would come by and check on me at night, so I’m sure if I had been gaming at 3 a.m. the console would’ve been removed. But I never had the urge to do that, being a sleepy teenager and all.

      To be honest, I was in chat rooms, on forums, etc. But everything was pretty much age appropriate. Nothing terrible happened to me or my friends, but we were all fairly cognizant of the dangers out there and did not want to be axe murdered by chatroom pals. I don’t think the internet was any more or less dangerous then than now, aside from sexting, which just wasn’t technically plausible lol. (The lack of cell phone cameras did not prevent naked photos circulating though….) We really needed that space to become adults. A lot of physical freedom that previous generations had was taken from us because of fear of kidnappings or house parties, so IM and forums were where we found that space.

      If she has demonstrated responsibility and maturity in other aspects of their life then I vote give your kid a trial and re-evaluate after a month. She’ll be driving soon, right? Better to have her feel comfortable with some privacy at home than driving off to who knows where to get that privacy. You only have a few years left until she is a legal adult and she will have to be ready to make smart choices for herself alone. Let her try it out. If she stumbles or has issues, you can reign things back in.

    7. Felicia*

      I don’t really know much about this but I just wanted to say as an LGBT person, finding other LGBT people on the internet and learning about the LGBT community on the internet basically saved my life as a 15 year old . I wouldn’t be comfortable with my parents seeing those things and even if I felt comfortable talking to them they’re both straight and there are things you need from other people who’ve been there. That’s just an angle for you to consider

      Having grown up with the internet I think I’d have a different perspective than someone who didnt , but when I was 15 , 12 years ago already, not being able to go on the internet without your parents watching was considered unusually restrictive and I guess a bit old fashioned. I’ve never done research or anything , she’s just coming to an age where you’ll have to begin to trust you’ve raised her well enough to be allowed more freedom. Might be projecting a bit because I remember being an LGBT teen desperate for some freedom, but the more my parents tried to control me the more I pulled away.

      2. DrWombat*

        Same here! Having other LGBT people to talk to online pretty much saved me as a teen because the environment I was in was so toxic – I was getting bullied a lot and the school admins allowed it bc I was -suspected- of being queer. Having an online support network helped me so much. But I’m seconding the ‘give her more freedom’ option – teens need privacy and having your parents hunt through your web history to me would be fairly invasive. Better to make it clear via thought and action that she can come to you with anything and follow up on that.

        1. Felicia*

          My environment wasn’t even really toxic, I just felt really alone because I didn’t know any LGBT people in real life and I just needed someone who understood what it was like, and the internet, without my parents policing me, gave me that.

    8. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Honestly, it sounds like you need to dial it back. She’s 15, not 5. In a few years she’ll be legally an adult, at which point you won’t have the legal ability to do anything for her. Do you want her to be able to manage? She may always be your child, but she is no longer A child. Your job as a parent is to raise a respectable, responsible, contributing adult, and you’re in the phase where you’re teaching independence. Yes, she’s going to make some mistakes, but preventing her from having the ability to screw up now is seriously going to hurt her as an adult.

      So, start making changes. Let her have more privacy. Let her make more decisions for herself. Involve her in household decisions. Start showing her how you budget and pay the bills. She will need to be able to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of herself, budget, pay bills, manage credit and debt, know how to get herself into the doctor when needed. Can she? Start that process. Have wide ranging conversations about how healthy relationships work, and what unhealthy ones look like. Talk about sex and birth control and STIs. Casual conversations for 5 minutes here and 2 minutes there really add up, and will impart important information without it being a lecture. Let her screw up, and then let her deal with the consequences. Be available to talk and give advice, but stop making all the decisions for her.

      This will be terrifying. Do it anyway.

      When I was 15: I sorted though all the beginning of the school year paperwork and filled out all the forms. Mom signed them. I wrote the checks needed. Mom signed them. I did the laundry for the whole family. I periodically made dinner for the family. I actually wrote the checks to pay regular bills and made sure that they were mailed on time (mom signed, and double checked everything, but I thought it was really me). I talked to mom when I thought I needed to go to the doctor. By my junior year in high school, I was making the dr appts and taking myself to the doctor. If I had a problem with a classmate or teacher, I needed to try to deal with it. Yes, my parents were backstops and willing and able to help (and did step in at times when it was appropriate), but I was expected to at least try. And yeah, I made mistakes. But I learned from them. By the time I left the house for college, I was essentially an adult. I didn’t have a lot of practice on my own, but I knew the motions. After college I moved 2300 miles for a job, and I was ok.

      This is your goal – that in 3 years, your daughter will go to college or whatever and be able to take care of herself. Without your intervention. Measure everything against that goal. When she leaves the house, your job is done, and then you get to see how well you did.

      1. Ron McDon*

        I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said here.

        It’s tempting to wrap our children in cotton wool and protect them from everything, but it really does them a disservice to do so.

        My kids (now 18 and 12) both had ‘dumb’ mobile phones from the age of 11 when they were at secondary school and being more independent in terms of going to and from school. No internet access on those phones. My eldest had a smart phone at 15, because all his friends had them and he was being left out of their online chats etc by not having Whatsapp or Snapchat.

        Main computer is downstairs in a common area, I check the search history regularly.

        12 yo bought himself an iPad from years of saving Christmas/Birthday money, which has all the restrictions etc turned on. He has an Xbox and tv (which only works for the x-box) in his room, which he is only allowed on after dinner, once his homework is done, and goes off an hour before bed. No phone allowed in his bedroom (although he isn’t really that into his phone yet).

        When 12 yo started going online I had his passwords to everything, and I told him I would periodically check on what he’d been searching for online, messaging etc. I did take his access away on a couple of occasions when he was not behaving appropriately online, which I used as teaching sessions for him to learn better behaviour.

        18yo has own computer in his bedroom, has done since the age of about 15, at which point I had a conversation with him along the lines of ‘we’ve taught you how to be safe online, how to be kind online, how to block/report people; having your own computer is a privilege we expect you to use responsibly. If I find that you have been using it to send nasty messages/bully people I will remove it and not give it back.’

        I think monitoring their usage until the age of 15 is appropriate, alongside teaching what they should/shouldn’t be doing. From 15 onwards you have to trust that you’ve taught them well and leave them to use their judgement, accepting they might make mistakes and sometimes do something silly.

        If you show them that you trust them, don’t overreact if they do something silly, and keep the lines of communication open, your child should have the confidence to make the right choices.

    9. Sylvan*

      I think it makes sense for someone her age to want some privacy. Everyone has things they want to learn about or discuss without someone looking over their shoulder. Time to let her exercise the judgment you’ve taught her.

    10. Elf*

      At 15 – she might want access to porn. And at 15, she probably should have access to porn if that’s what she wants. I’d say an embarrassing conversation is in order, because the social media stuff is scary. I might explicitly allow private screens for that and disallow it for social media/other uses, to include some spot checks on browser histories, etc.

    11. kas*

      I think your daughter is a bit too old to be so restricted. As long as you’ve had an Internet safety talk with her and have no reason not to trust her, I think she could have a little more privacy. Again, only if there hasn’t been trust issues in the past.

      When I was 15 I had limits in terms of not being on the computer or phone too late but other than that, my parents did not monitor anything. We all want privacy at that age.

    12. Thlayli*

      I don’t have any personal experience since internet access dientbrewlky exist when I was 15 and my kids are way too young for this problem at the moment. But some things occur to me:
      1 as a Pp said the no screens in rooms thing is partly to do with sleep – even adults are advised no screens in rooms (says I as I type this under the duvet)
      2 in 3 years she will be an adult and you will not be able to control her internet use at all. You need to phase it in somehow and now is a good time to start
      3 you can’t protect kids by controlling them forever. At some point you have to move from protection by control to protection by rules to protection by support and teaching them how to make safe choices. When she was a baby you carried her across the street, then you held her hand, then you taught her how to cross the street safely and the dangers of not doing so, and now you can trust her to cross the street alone, even though part of you still wants you carry her across to make sure she gets there safely. You need a similar process here.
      4 there is plenty of evidence that watching porn at a young age seriously affects kids sexual desires and what they think is normal. In Britain there have been a lot of articles and tv shows about this. Channel 4 did a documentary series and teenagers watching porn and how it has affected their views on what is normal in bed (sexual violence for example is portrayed as totally normal and expected in porn) and body image (what breasts should look like for example). The Sunday times also did a very good series of articles on how access to porn has affected sexual behaviour of British teens (surprise surprise girls suffer the brunt of the impact). Basically learning about sex from porn is like giving a kid a copy of grand theft auto to teach them how to drive. So I 100% do not think you should tell her she has free access to porn. Instead I think you should talk to her about unrealistic portrayal of sex in porn. I don’t know much about lesbian porn and I’m hopeful that there would be less sexual violence and more realistic body images in lesbian porn – but I simply don’t know. Maybe you should do some research on that. But the key thing is to teach her that if something she watches upsets her in any way to turn it off and to tell you, and that you will not punish her for watching it and you will help her figure out how to deal with the feelings.
      5 bullying doesn’t just happen online. You can’t listen to every word everyone says to her in real life, so reading every word anyone says to her online (not that you are) has limited value. Make her aware that whether it’s in real life or online that she can always come tell you it show you what someone says. Teach her how to deal with any online bullying (screen shots and telling you and/or a teacher). Also talk with her about privacy settings on social media and not giving access to your info / photos to the whole world.

      Good luck

    13. Which Witch*

      That sounds very restrictive and uncomfortable to me. Screens out of the bedroom is fine for sleeping, but at fifteen she’s old enough to understand the risks of online interactions. Assuming you’ve done a good job in discussing these things with her all along – you have been open and honest with her, right. – she should be trusted to make some decisions for herself about this stuff. It’s time to relax the control – she’s not a little kid, you have to start letting her find her own way. Otherwise you are going to have a very sheltered 18 year old who doesn’t know how to handle the world in a couple of years, and that will make her life much harder than it needs to be.

      Give her the privacy she needs, trust her to be smart and sensible, and let go of the reins. Keep the channels of communication open, trust her and let her know she can trust you.

    14. TL -*

      I’m also voting for giving her more privacy. She’s 15 and has a whole internal life of her own right now and the internet is part of how she’s going to explore that. There’s probably a whole lot of thoughts she wants to figure out on her own and you should give her the space to do that.

    15. Betsy*

      It sounds like you are very conservative. If other parents in your area are also like this, then she might not feel like she is missing out.

      However, I just wonder exactly what danger you think she will run into online (and how you think your presence would actually be helpful). If kids are being mean online, you won’t be able to stop it as it’s happening, anyway.

      At that age, she needs to be given increasing levels of independence and responsibility, otherwise she won’t be able to handle the kinds of responsibilities she’ll have in three years or so, if she plans to move out to go to university.

    16. BRR*

      I think it’s tough to find the balance. I do think it’s important for a 15 year old to have some privacy and independence but at the same time they don’t know everything. Being lgbt, there’s the bullying part but there’s also the education part as others have mentioned. Screens out of the bedroom seems a little too restrictive.

    17. Lily Evans*

      I’m adding another vote for more privacy. In my opinion (as a now 25-year-old with parents who verged on helicopter-y at times) the best way to lose your child’s trust is to not trust them. If you want her to trust her with things (like if she were being bullied) you have to give her a chance to come to you instead of hovering over her shoulder. Also, depending on how liberal the place you live is, a lot of teens are much more accepting of LGBT+ people than they used to be. It’s not necessarily an automatic target on her back, especially if she’s telling you she feels safe. She’s the one at school every day, you’re not, there’s no reason not to believe her. At some point you just have to trust that you’ve raised a smart kid who deserves privacy.

      My parents weren’t too technology restrictive, but they were controlling over where I would go and with who and it ruined our relationship for a long time. I still get nervous about telling them about trips I’m taking because I worry how they’ll react and I’m an adult living on my own. Their lack of trust made me ridiculously private with everything in a way that’s really hard to unlearn.

      Last, I mean this very kindly, have you considered talking with a therapist? It just sounds like you have a lot of worries compounding that having a neutral third party as a sounding board could really help with. If there was one thing I could change with my relationship with my mother when I was a teenager, it would be therapy for both of us. Separate and together. Her anxiety over keeping my sister and I safe just leaked all over our relationship, leaving permanent emotional stains. I think it would be helpful for you to sit down with your daughter in that kind of situation where the parent/child dynamics are put on hold for a bit and you’re presenting your feelings on an even playing field with someone trained to help you untangle them.

    18. Niffin*

      Grants, my perspective is different as someone who came of age with fairly unrestricted computer access, but disallowing privacy with screens at the age of 15 seems incredibly restrictive and unproductive to me. Another vote for allowing privacy, but continuing to keep lines of communication open, and talking about risks and concerns about the Internet

    19. DMLT*

      Give her the privacy she is asking for. My youngest is 15, and I have been through this. The fact that she came to you and told you what she needs is pretty great. You have a relationship where she talks to you about her needs instead of rolling her eyes and/or screaming at you. Trust that. Give her this time to learn independence while you’re still there for backup. Because I don’t think we do teens any favors when we hover and protect them until 18 and then expect them to magically be able to do everything because THEY ARE ADULTS NOW. They shouldn’t be expected to go from not handling anything to suddenly handling everything.
      The teen years *should* be a time of increased responsibility and freedom. If she’s wise enough to come to you and express her needs, she’ll come to you if she needs help navigating something.

    20. Fake old Converse shoes*

      I have nothing to add but I’m having flashbacks of my super restrictive teenage years. My parents were deep into the satanic phobia, even though they weren’t religious at all. No pocket money, heavily supervised everything, my own non-popular tastes in music and school bullies made those years hell on Earth. I gained weight super fast after I left school due to general anxiety and well, eating all the food I never knew it existed.
      Please consult with the LGTB+ community and ask if they have a support group for parents of teenage children. They may be able to help you, her father and your daughter to navigate this.

    21. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      22-year-old here, with a 16-year-old sister. Here are my thoughts…

      1) Have a conversation(s) with your daughter about online bullying, privacy, security, etc. Make sure it’s a two-way street, where you ask open-ended questions and hear her out about what she thinks the risks and rewards are. She probably inhabits different parts of the internet and feels differently about it than you do. It might help if she can understand where you’re coming from. Also keep in mind that she’s probably getting these conversations in school as well (my sister and I definitely did). Make sure she knows that there is no problem too scary or too big to talk to you about.

      2) The hard truth is that you don’t actually have that much control over what she sees or does on the internet. And that’s not a bad thing– it’s part of growing up and becoming independent. I do think the more you try to control or restrict her internet access, the more it will become A Thing that creates conflict between you. I think giving her the privacy she asks for will go a long way in showing her that there’s mutual respect in your relationship.

  84. Anon, No Question About It*

    I can’t stop laughing!!!!!

    Turns out that the cute pattern on the underwear displayed in the store is so very not cute on my body!!!!!
    I mean, it makes sense. I just wasn’t expecting the shock.

  85. Hilda*

    I’m just venting with this and I’m not sure if everyone will agree with me. Is anyone else besides me tired of the ‘everyone is beautiful movement’ that exists in some advocacy circles? I’m not pretty. I know I am not pretty. I am the exact opposite in every single way of what is considered ‘conventionally attractive’ or ‘the standard of beauty’. You pick a feature or something on my body or with how I look and it’s the opposite of what would be called ‘beautiful’, ‘pretty’ or ‘good looking’.

    I’m not trying to fish for compliments or anything. I’m being realistic and it’s the truth. The thing is, I am okay with it. I have been to therapy. I mean like everyone I have moments of not liking it and being insecure, but I accept I am the opposite of beautiful and I am okay with it. To fix me would take extreme plastic surgery. I would need more help than the people on extreme makeover. I shower and wash and groom. My clothes are current and they fit me. I don’t look like a slob. But I’m not pretty.

    I hate how some people try to tell me I am beautiful. Or that someone must find something about me beautiful. I’m not and I know they are lying. I have other redeeming qualities. I am an interesting person and I enjoy life. Being pretty is not my be all and end all. I hate that people tell me I’m pretty or thin or that I look great when I know they are lying.

    Why is being pretty so important? I hate how it’s so important people have to lie to me or make a big show out of everyone being beautiful. I am not pretty and that’s a fact. Why is it a big deal to other when it isn’t to me? Has anyone else noticed me or am I just out of the loop?

    1. Casuan*

      Hilda, has it occurred to you that at least some of those compliments are genuine?
      Every person has different standards of beauty, truly.

    2. Merci Dee*

      You say that you have other redeeming qualities, that you’re an interesting person, and that you enjoy life. For me and for many others, those characteristics are the kinds of things that make you pretty.

      I’ve found myself in a particular situation a number of times in my life … I have been wildly attracted to men that would not be considered conventionally handsome because they had traits like you describe. They were intelligent, insanely hilarious, thoughtful, caring, and went out of their way to help those around them. I absolutely couldn’t leave them alone. Their insides made their outsides attractive.

      Conversely, I’ve seen it happen the other way, too. I’ve known men who were considered attractive and could’ve been in movies, but were total douche bags. Because of their behavior, I didn’t find them handsome in the least. Every time I heard someone talking about how gorgeous they were, I wanted to throw up.

      So maybe when people tell you that you’re pretty, they’re seeing your insides on the outside. Isn’t that the most important part, anyway?

      2. kas*

        I agree, I’m often attracted to men who others may not find attractive. As you mentioned, their insides definitely make their outside attractive.

        Not everyone finds the same features attractive and your personality can make all the difference.

    3. The Person from the Resume*

      I get you. I’m not beautiful. I can be cute especially to people who like me and my personality.

      Some of it is lies;people who think a false compliment will make you happy. but some is based on love or emotion towards you that they think you’re beautiful.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      The “everyone is beautiful” movement combats the idea that only this one very narrow definition of “attractive” is what’s actually attractive. That criticism is unfortunately still relevant and needed. And there are, in fact, many people who are physically attractive in one way or another who still get messages from relatives, strangers on the street, movies, TV, magazines, etc. that they aren’t beautiful.

      But your point (“Why is being pretty so important?”) is also one that people overlook too often. There is definitely far too much emphasis in society on looks, especially in areas for which is really shouldn’t matter at all (politicians, CEOs, etc.—why should they be good-looking in any way?).

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        I agree that there is far too much emphasis on looks, especially for women. The number of people who feel it’s appropriate to comment on my skin or my weight or other physical characteristics is ridiculous. Family members are certainly the worst, but I’ve had coworkers and bosses and strangers all weigh in as well. Why does my appearance matter so much? I can promise you this – my brother certainly doesn’t get anywhere near the number of comments I do, if he even gets any comments.

    5. Book Lover*

      Hmm. I will take you at your word in terms of your looks, though I would argue there is no objective standard of beauty and if I think blue eyes are ‘best’ someone else will prefer brown.
      If a random person says something like that to you, it is just annoying and I get where you are coming from. But if it is someone who is a friend or family member who cares about you – there truly is inner beauty that shines through and people don’t necessarily objectively see what is in front of them. Have you read The Twits, by Dahl? It has a good section on this :)

      I guess where I am going with this is that when you receive a compliment it may well be genuine and come from a place of love. Or not.

      But I agree with you, lots of things are more important than looks. But society prizes certain things and when people want to provide compliments they reach for what society tells them will be well received.

    6. HannahS*

      Kind of? Like you, I strongly dislike the idea that it’s important for women–because it’s almost universally directed at women–to find themselves aesthetically pleasing. I dislike it because I don’t think it should matter if I and others find me pretty, and it does irritate me when I feel that people try to convince me that I’m beautiful at times when I don’t care. To me, not caring about whether or not I’m beautiful is a victory; it’s me beating wider society and establishing my own priorities.
      But I think you’ve swung a bit far in the other direction. Thinking that everyone who tells you “You look great” is lying to you seems out of touch. My mother is not objectively, conventionally attractive. She has small eyes and big nose, frizzy hair, has age spots allover, and is overweight. But I adore her. She looks beautiful to me. When I tell her she looks great at an occasion, I’m not lying. I’m not telling her that she looks like a model; I’m telling her that her clothes are flattering, she looks put-together, she looks well-rested, she’s carrying herself well, she looks happy, etc. That’s “great” to me. And above that, people have wildly different ideas of what’s aesthetically pleasing. If you think of the least attractive person you know that’s in a relationship with someone who loves them, you can be certain the their partner truly finds them lovely. So, certainly people who know you will tell you that you look great, and being so strongly resistant to that makes me wonder if there’s something underlying your resistance that’s not serving you well.

    7. Thlayli*

      I totally get where you are coming from. The whole “everyone is beautiful” thing is actually reqlly insulting to people who are not beautiful. Because it starts from the assumption that beauty is so important that everyone needs to feel beautiful. And it’s really not. Beauty is not part of what makes someone a worthwhile person. People have just as much worth if they are beautiful as if they are ugly. We should be saying “being beautiful it ugly is irrelevant to your value as a person” not saying “oh ugly is just a different type of beauty”.

      It’s patronising. Imagine treating a different physical characteristic the way we treat beauty – eg height. I am a short person. 95% of women are taller than me. And I’m ok with that, in fact I quite like being short. It drives me mad when people say things like “oh your not that short” as if being short is somehow a negative. If people started treating height the way they treat beauty and saying things like “everyone is tall; you’re tall; you’re just a different type of tall” I would seriously start punching people! My value as a person is not defined by my height, just as your value as a person is not defined by your level of physical attractiveness.

      Being called beautiful should not be considered a human right any more than being called tall should be considered a human right. It’s patronising and it totally feeds into the idea that beauty is über-important so it has the opposite effect to what is intended.

      Next time someone tells you’re so beautiful pick on a physical characteristic of theirs and compliment them on being the opposite of what they are: you’re so short / tall / masculine / feminine / your hair is so curly / straight or whatever. Use the exact same wording they use to you and use it to give them a compliment that is the opposite of realit. (Obviously steer clear of things that could actually hurt their feelings – don’t call a fat persom skinny For example, and definitely nothing like race or sexuality or complimenting a trans person on being masculine or feminine or anything.) The point is not to hurt their feelings just to point out how ludicrous it is to compliment someone in s way that is the opposite of reality and to make it clear it is inherently insulting to tell people they are the opposite of what they actually are as if that’s some sort of compliment!

      Sorry society makes such a big deal of beauty. It really really shouldn’t because it’s such s tiny fraction of people’s existence.

      2. TL -*

        Well, beauty is not quite the same as short or curly hair – beauty standards are incredibly subjective and mutable, so there are people who would been incredibly beautiful 300 years ago or in a different culture who wouldn’t be incredibly beautiful by the media ideal now.

        I agree that being beautiful isn’t an inherent marker of value and we shouldn’t treat it as such – but what people consider beautiful doesn’t always align with the media ideal. I hate it when I compliment someone and they react by telling me it’s not true. Thanks for insulting my taste, I guess? Just because we consider different things attractive doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

    8. Betsy*

      Yeah, I can see your point of view here.

      On one hand, I agree with some of the previous posters, that we need to make beauty standards wider. I will compliment friends who wouldn’t be seen as conventionally attractive because they might have dressed really nicely, or have a feature I really like, so I’m not being dishonest at all if I say ‘wow, you look really nice today’ or ‘you have great hair.’

      On the other hand, beauty is so socially overvalued as a trait. Being born with intelligence and then cultivating that intelligence by challenging your mind is great. But I fail to see much value in being born beautiful and then learning make-up and hair tricks to become even more beautiful. (I mean for regular people not for people who may be a make-up artist or a hairdresser as a job, which requires a lot of skill). I agree that ‘everyone’s beautiful’ can be patronising, and even if we learn to value a wider range of looks as beautiful, I suspect there will always be people who aren’t seen as particularly hot. In fact, I think only a very small percentage of people would be seen as actually beautiful. But I have the same problem with the word intelligence being broadened out. Yeah, sure there are many kinds of intelligence, but then people start saying ‘they have sports intelligence’. We can have specific individual strengths and traits without people needing to claim that everyone’s good at everything.

      *Your partner is the exception, though, because partners do see people as beautiful, even if they objectively know that that person’s not conventionally attractive and won’t be scouted to be the next supermodel any time soon. Mothers are also allowed to think that too.

      1. TL -*

        Beauty is both socially overvalued and undervalued – there’s a very strong message that women are both a) supposed to be a very specific sort of pretty and b) understand and internalize that being pretty is actually worthless. (In my opinion, that’s why we as a society hate the Kardashians so much – they’ve embraced everything that society told them women were supposed to be and made millions off of it, and we’re pissed off because that’s supposed to be worthless.)

        But there’s value in being beautiful and cultivating that beauty – it certainly isn’t the be-all, end-all of value, but neither is being and cultivating intelligence. Humans have always valued works of art and if your skin is your canvas, I don’t see why that’s any less valuable than watercolors or sculpture.
        At the same time, I’ve never felt devalued by my inability to draw and I don’t think women should feel devalued by a disinterest in or inability to meet the media beauty standards. The message isn’t “beauty has no inherent value and you shouldn’t waste time cultivating it.” It’s “beauty is no more important any number of other traits you can cultivate to give yourself value.”

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I can’t tell if the comment about knowing people are lying is something said on the fly or if it’s a standard approach.

      I grew up with a mother who was convinced that people were insincere. And she drilled it into my head to be suspicious of any compliment. Compliments were for weak people anyway, strong people do not need compliments.

      With this in mind, I feel it’s an important skill to learn to be able to just say “thanks” and move on. Move on means in actual conversation and in our thought patterns also. We can’t fix other people’s insincerity, we can only strive to be sincere ourselves. If we role model sincere behavior it gives others something to think about.

      In the end, I found that the most insincere person around me was my mother. The very person who was so quick to point out how everyone else was so insincere. Her disbelief became a black hole and once she fell into it she could not climb out.

      Again, I can’t tell the other surrounding context from what you have said here, OP. So this is just a general comment for anyone reading.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know why we put so much emphasis on it. Maybe because we’re visual creatures overall. We have eyes on the front of our head, like predators do. This aided us in survival—it made us efficient hunters, even if we couldn’t run very fast (instead, we ran our prey down with endurance, and of course, tools and weapons). That’s the main sense on which most of us focus. Most of the media we consume is also visual.

      But beauty is more than just looks. I’ve seen and known plenty of people who are physically attractive but god freaking biscuits, they’re awful and nasty. Well-known case in point: Paul Ryan is not a bad-looking man. By society’s current standards, he is considered attractive. Because of the way he is on the inside, I hate him so much that when I look at him, I am physically repelled. To me, he is butt-ugly.

      People who love you will always see you as beautiful. Not because they’re trying to make you feel better–that is actually what they see when they look at you.

      1. Hellanon*

        >>People who love you will always see you as beautiful. Not because they’re trying to make you feel better–that is actually what they see when they look at you.

        True this. I also find that *my* life is happier when I make an effort to see the beauty in/on people. Their smiles, the way they are rocking their look, the kind, competent things they say, even just the effort they put into getting up and going to work… I find I’m happier when I look for those things because I’m not running this constant negative tape centered on other peoples’ “flaws” – and you know what, those are the things that become true to me. So Hilda, maybe your friends just see *you* and find you beautiful?

        Although I have to agree with Elizabeth West, Paul Ryan and his cohorts look so ugly to me that I can’t bear to look at their photos – they wear their characters on their faces, and I have to look away.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep, yep.

          I remember the night I was robbed and my father came and got me. His hair was rumpled, his pajamas stuck out from under the hem of his pants and the top of his coat. He was very tired. He looked great to me.

  86. Elizabeth West*

    Can I just say (and have been)–it’s really sucky that NBC has made it so in order to watch full coverage of the Olympics you have to go on streaming and an app? That you have to verify by entering your cable provider? Why isn’t it available to everyone?

    If you can’t afford cable, you can’t watch all the Olympic coverage. You’re limited to “best of” prime time coverage. That is, in my opinion, a violation of the spirit of the Games. >:(

    2. Casuan*

      So instead of watching the coverage I can’t access, I’ve been doing my own Olympics by immersing myself into the AAM Weekend-Free-For-All.
      :-D

    3. Becky*

      I would even pay for a limited “Olympics Streaming Pass” or something so I could access all the Olympics I wanted without having to pay for a cable package, but as far as I can tell no such thing exists.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I wouldn’t!

        I get charging to watch sports the rest of the time, but the whole point of the games is that everyone puts aside their crap and joins together in friendly competition. We should all be able to watch it.

        Greedy mo’fos.

      2. Mobuy*

        I have totally thought there should be an Olympics pass! I’d even pay a ridiculous amount, like $50, for the ability to watch them. But you’re right, it doesn’t exist. So I get my dad’s login info for his cable provider and login to the Olympics channel on my Roku so I can watch them. I refuse to feel bad about it until NBC enters the 21st century.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I got rid of my cable last year and I have an ota antenna. I can watch olympics on cbc (the national Canadian network) for free, could that be a solution for you? It’s not 100% complete olympics coverage but I get to see most of it.

        1. LadyKelvin*

          I’d double check. Just about every town has a local broadcast (CBS local, ABC local, NBC local) which broadcasts free over the airwaves. You need a digital antenna. It sometimes depends on how far away you are from the broadcast source, but I’ve gotten channels everywhere I’ve lived, even in the middle of TX.

        2. Jenn*

          I know it’s not the same but does the CBC website geo-restrict viewers? I quite enjoy their online coverage

    5. Dr. Doll*

      Chuckle. I’m afraid I am a complete Olympic curmudgeon and don’t care a bit, don’t want to watch any of it, and am happily AAM-ing while my husband is glued to the figure skating.

      The spirit of the Games went up on a puff of smoke when they allowed professionals to enter. Paid coverage is just more of the same.

      (If this sounds unsympathetic, I don’t mean it to. If you love the Olympics, wonderful!)

      1. Mimmy*

        Come to think of it, it does seem like the spirit isn’t like what it was when I was growing up (in the 80s and 90s). I can’t get into it these days, although there are certain events in both the winter and summer games that I enjoy.

        When did they begin to allow professionals to enter? I guess I never noticed :/

      2. empg*

        Ahh the spirit of the olympics is very much alive for me. I see what you mean about allowing professionals, but don’t you think these people deserve to be compensated for what they do?

    6. Rebecca*

      And if you live in an area like mine where you can’t even get OTA due to the mountains and distance from a transmitter, you are out of luck on all sorts of things. Here, it’s Comcast or Verizon for cable and internet, unless you want to go the satellite route.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have a really hard time getting the OTA and I’m not even in the mountains. I literally had to move furniture around a few months ago to get the antenna into the window so I could see anything at all. Now it works pretty well, but I was like, what’s the point when there isn’t anything on!

        Though I do like where my TV is situated now. I don’t know why I didn’t put it up against that wall in the first place.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I guess that is a consideration. I live in the prairies so I always forget about mountains!

  87. Just asking*

    How can women protect themselves financially just in case in marriage (besides prenups), if she has a good career, is highly educated etc. shared account. What are all things she can do to just protect herself?

    1. Cruciatus*

      Well, for starters I’d have my own account. Not saying you can’t have a shared one, but also one just for you that you build up with each paycheck. Learn more about investing options to make your money work for you more than a savings account. Be a part of financial decisions and aware of what’s going in and out with your shared accounts. If your partner won’t let you be a part of that I would be very concerned. I’m sure others will have more solutions, but that’s where I’d start personally.

      1. Just asking*

        Partner is not a problem or an issue. I should’ve worded it like “how can a woman stay independent when she marries” so that’s more to your point of investing, having her own income etc. thanks for your input.

      2. Loopy*

        I’ve posted about prenups just a few weeks ago so I’m definitely in this boat. We have kept almost everything separate. If we need a joint account we will only out what is needed into it.

        I expect my finances to look the exact same as if we were dating, I will manage my own retirement, credit/debt, bank accounts, etc. I am going to take lots of care with the prenup. It’s not that I don’t trust the person I’m marrying we are just both extremely financially independent and it would be very jarring for us to try and go a more combined route that works for others.

        There seems to be no way to avoid joint assets to some degree however, buying a new home, buying a new kitchen table, heck even pets come into the mix, so we’ve sat down and worked out what we are comfortable with happening with those joint assets should we need to make that decision.

    2. Enough*

      You can put money in your own name. This can protect assets from some creditors. Usually you are not responsible for others debts if you did not actually agree to them in writing. Separate credit cards (non-joint). There are probably differences depending on the state you are in. A lawyer would be the best to answer this.

      1. Just asking*

        I have already told her these things as ideas but these are good ideas, thanks for your input. Don’t think she will need a lawyer – she just wants to make sure she is staying independent and not becoming financially dependent on a spouse.

    3. Thlayli*

      Separate account as well as shared! There’s an old tradition of having “running away money” which is a stash of money in your own name that your husband doesn’t have access to. It doesn’t have to be secret. Having all your money in a shared account is pretty unusual these days.
      Both spouses should have some separate money of their own.

    4. TL -*

      Having a separate account with her savings, along with their savings, but also making sure the assets are either in both of their names (like the house) or are balanced in whose name is on what – for instance, if they’re a two-car family, then her name on her car and his name on his car.
      Make sure they have an agreement over how much money they can spend without discussing with each other (a big purchase number and a monthly and/or weekly spending amount) if they’re sharing finances; that they can both see all credit card and bank accounts, and have access to all utility accounts. They should also check and share their credit reports periodically, mostly to look for fraud but also to check that there’s no unexpected debt accumulating.
      Also, some states are joint property states- Texas is one – so it doesn’t matter whose name is and all debts are communal. She should know what kind of state she lives in.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      We have separate accounts and put money into a joint one for bills. I have my own credit cards.

    6. Colette*

      Have your own credit cards – I.e.be the primary name on the account, not the secondary, so that you have a credit score in your name.

  88. BeetsBattlestarGalactica*

    Can anyone recommend a good brand of khaki pants, like dockers? I used a brand for years (Lee) that were thicker fabric, tightly woven and had a nice sheen to them but the quality has disintegrated the last two years and I need a new brand, nothing is available locally so I need to order online. Thanks.

    1. Tabby Baltimore*

      I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you’re looking for, but you might consider Googling “5.11 tactical pant” and take a look at their site to see if it has the kind of pants you’re looking for. Browsing for “chino pants” will also retrieve a number of stores that carry these Docker-like pants.

  89. nep*

    Your favourite tips for natural ways to keep skin (face) looking as healthy as possible. (Sleep is a given — when I don’t get enough sleep, first place it shows up is my skin.)
    Does anyone do any kind of face acupressure or massage? Seems it would be relaxing at the least…What if any benefits have you experienced?

    2. HannahS*

      I use sunscreen (Shiseido urban environment, which is expensive but a tiny bottle lasts a good four-six months), moisturizer for sensitive skin, a gentle cleanser twice a day, and Rosiver cream for my rosacea. All that plus sleep and hydration honestly is giving me the best skin of my life.

      ….and if I would just quit picking compulsively at the tiniest of pimples I’d be much better off. I also don’t wear makeup at all, which I find makes me break out.

    3. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      Water. If you hate it, put in the flavor packets but otherwise inhale the stuff. I finally started drinking almost as much as I should (up from none!) and the acne I’ve battled since 3rd grade almost completely disappeared, my face looked less bloated, is less oily, and I don’t get bags under my eyes anymore. Just generally on the path to fairly solid skin. I’ve slacked off lately and all signs are returning. It’s so simple but so effective. Sometimes sad when you really want the southern sweet tea instead, but I’m working on it. ;-)

      A lot of people tell you to put this fruit or that fruit in for various skin goals, but honestly the root of all of it is water. The fruit I’m sure provides at least some benefit but at the end of that day I believe the water itself is doing most of the work.

      1. Effie, who is pondering*

        Yes, water. When I was in college one year there was a water fountain right by my dorm room and I stopped to drink water all the time. My lips didn’t get chapped the whole year, which was wildly unusual for me. I’ve tried to keep it up but it’s really hard when it’s not as convenient.

    4. Ron McDon*

      Drink lots of water.

      Eat lots of fruit/veggies/unprocessed food.

      Sunscreen, even when it’s not sunny.

      Regular exercise. – I just walk to and from work a few times a week.

      Serum over the age of 40 – my husband bought me Liz Earle’s Superskin serum for Christmas, and it has made such a difference to my skin in a short space of time. I’ve recently bumped into lots of people I haven’t seen for a year or so, and they all commented on how my skin looks ‘glowy’ and healthy. The only thing I’ve changed is adding the serum, so think it must’ve made a noticeable difference.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Change your pillowcases often. Especially if you have a cat who likes to sit on your pillow…

    6. Effie, who is pondering*

      Daily moisturizer that includes sunscreen! And wash your face + night cream before bed. It really does make a difference

    7. nep*

      Thanks, all. I should have included water as another given — things just so much better when I drink enough. (Imagine that!)
      Adequate sleep + adequate water = best possible skin. No question.

  90. Laura H*

    Ok so months ago my preform hangout place closed. A new place opens Monday in the space and I’m STOKED!! I don’t have my hopes up that I’ll be able to pop in before my shift starts at 10… but who knows I might get lucky.

  91. Triple Anon*

    Finances! I’m still feeling better since the car accident realigned my spine and fixed some, I guess, disc issues or whatever causes sciatica and other compressed nerves. I have more energy, feel more like my old self, and I’m working longer hours.

    But I’m still very much in debt. A few thousand dollars. I need to catch up on utilities, medical bills, car repair bills, stuff like that. I need a small amount of money to get my business off the ground. A few hundred would make a huge difference.

    How do I come up with this money? Around $3,000. I was thinking about it when I opened the mailbox to find a mailing about my 401k from a previous employer. Even with all the penalties, it would be way more than I need and would fix all of this. It’s so tempting. Yet at the same time, it’s so inadvisable. At what point does it become advisable? I mean, debt is really bad too….

    But I obviously could come up with a few thousand dollars some other way. But how? I feel pretty stupid asking that question. I have a lot of skills that are in demand. I just need to translate that into some kind of freelance project for which I would be paid the amount that I need. I’m struggling with basic questions like how to connect with clients and how to market myself. Which might be easier if I had a budget to work with, but I have next to nothing, argh.

    And I need to go burn that 401k balance statement so I’m no longer feeling tempted, just looking at it.

    Financial woes aside, things are looking up and life is pretty good.

    1. Observer*

      Perhaps you could borrow against your retirement account. That would avoid the penalties, give you the cash you need NOW and let you pay is back.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      There’s two sides to this: income and expenses. I don’t have the experience to help with freelance, but expenses I have some suggestions.

      Figure out what you’re spending your money on. All of it. The cut out the fluff. Daily coffee. Restaurants. Gyms you don’t go to. Cable tv. Every expense – look at it. do you really need it? Not want, need. If no, get rid of it. If you can’t just get rid of it or it’s a need, is there something you can do to reduce it?

    3. Thlayli*

      Do you have anything you can sell? Old clothes that are good quality? Electronics you don’t use?

      Can you get a part time job? 3k in a year is just $60 a week. Unless you are already working 7 days a week I feel like it would be simpler and quicker to just get a part time job than start a business.

      1. Triple Anon*

        I work about 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. My business is more profitable than the other job, and I enjoy it more. I just need some funds to cover some basic supplies so I can do more with it.

        I live a pretty simple life. I don’t have much that I don’t need, and I don’t spend much. But I’m always looking for new ways to cut corners. It does help.

        1. Thlayli*

          Wow, that sounds really stressful and hard. In that circumstance I think the best thing you can do is try to get your business to be more profitable, but I havent a clue how to do that.

          I hope you find a way. Good luck

          1. Triple Anon*

            Thank you! I am leaning towards withdrawing at least part of the 401k. It would be pivotal in clearing my debt and getting the business going. I just need basic stuff like a wider variety of merchandise and the tools for displaying it. So simple yet so out of reach when you’re broke, haha. I’ll admit I’m partially concerned about the social stigma. Spending your retirement savings is really taboo. It sends a sort of, “This person has gone nuts,” message, so I would need to prevent it from getting out.

        2. Natalie*

          I doubt this is what you want to hear, but I don’t think this is the time to expand your business. You’re profitable now, you already have debt, and it sounds like you don’t have an emergency fund. You’re over leveraged. Keep your business at its current steady level and pay those debts off plus save some money before you expand.

    4. Sam Foster*

      Can you rollout in to a current 401k or other vehicle that you could then take a loan from? You end up paying yourself back without penalty.

    5. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      What timetable are you thinking of? Is this something you want to have paid off by next month? Six months from now? A year?

      1. Triple Anon*

        I’m in panic mode. It’s a bunch of small things that will snowball – parking tickets, loans I took out to pay for car repairs and a vet visit, stuff like that. I have a couple of bigger loans that I’m making normal monthly payments on. Those are under control. I just got swamped with a bunch of “extra” stuff at a time when I was having some health issues and couldn’t work as much as I normally would. It’s destroying my credit score and I’m accumulating a lot of interest and fees, not to mention feeling guilty, irresponsible and terrified.

        1. Thlayli*

          Can you consolidate your debts a bit? Increase the low interest long term loan to pay off the high interest short term ones? Or reduce your payments on long term ones temporarily? I think a discussion with a financial adviser might help you figure things out.

    6. FD*

      Math ahead!

      Borrowing from 401(k) funds is generally a last resort because you get hit twice: Once, when you get hit with either interest or a penalty (depending on whether you pay the funds back within the allowable window of five years), and second, with the amount you can’t be earning through your investments at the time. In addition, I believe you have to pay the funds you borrowed back with post-tax dollars, which actually makes the loan more expensive than you might think.

      Let’s run an example.

      Let’s pretend you borrow $1,000 from your 401(k). This was invested as pre-tax dollars. You have to pay an interest rate of 1% over the prime interest rate. For simplicity, let’s pretend that’s 5%. We’re going to make our lives easier and pretend you pay this back over one year just to make the math pretty.

      So, with interest*, you’d need to pay back $1,050. However, that’s with post tax dollars. Let’s pretend you’re only paying 15% in income tax (because you’re not working much yet). That still means that you have to make $1,176 to replace that $1,000 in pre-tax dollars, plus the $50 interest. So you end up paying about 23% on the investment overall in this scenario because you lose the fact that your 401(k) started its life as pre-tax dollars that you have to replace with post-tax dollars.

      In addition, you loose out on the return your investment portfolio would have made. Let’s say the your investments have a long term average of 8%. So, during this year, you would have made $80 with that investment in its fund. Your $1,000 is put back after a year, so we don’t care about that, just about the $80 you lost out on. How much does that matter? Well, if you wait 25 years and the investment grows an average of 8%, that represents a total of $345 lost.

      Now, what does all that mean? It doesn’t mean, “Never take a loan against a 401(k).” It does mean, “Be darn sure about the costs before you do it.” In general, it can sometimes be cheaper (because you pay higher interest in the short term but avoid affecting your retirement portfolio) to take another type of loan. If your credit is good, a personal (e.g. unsecured) loan can work. Many banks offer business loans at reasonable rates. If you meet the requirements for SBA, the maximum allowed rate right now is 4.56% (which is actually lower than the interest you’d pay for a 401(k) loan).

      In addition, be really brutally honest about what you really need to get your business off the ground. We work with a lot of small businesses and many of them take a hit at the outset by wasting their time and money on things that they don’t really need yet or that cost too much in proportion to their ROI for a new business.

      (Note: I’m way simplifying several calculations. The interest might not be compounded annually, for instance. Stock markets go up and down, though 8% is generally an OK long term average if you’re pretty diversified.)

      1. Triple Anon*

        Thank you for all of that. Fortunately, I think my business plan is pretty rock solid. I mean I waited 15 years to start one and developed a very financially stable plan. The costs are minimal. I’m trying to avoid taking out a loan and make the whole thing self funded. I can’t say much here because I don’t want to identify myself, but it’s a very simple kind of business.

        So here’s another 401k question. Does the ex employer find out what you do with the 401k? Like if you withdraw part of it, does their HR department know? Or is that just between you and the financial institution? If the employer does know, is it considered protected information in the US or are they free to talk about it?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I don’t know how the ex-employer would know what you did with the 401k money. Usually that is handled by a financial firm that has nothing to do with the employer. Most financial stuff has to be kept confidential- financial people will lose customers if they start discussing other people’s finances.

          1. Triple Anon*

            That’s good to know. I thought it might be sort of like a joint bank account that’s shared with the company because they manage it. Well, they deposit money into it and it’s part of their benefits plan . . . or something. I am really lacking knowledge in this area.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              There are boundaries involved. The employer knows what type of plan there is and how the plan works. Of course, the employer has to know who has an account. The employer might know the total of the holdings but beyond that probably not too much else.

        2. FD*

          I don’t know the answer to that, and it may depend on the financial provider. It’s possible they can see if a withdrawal was made, but that wouldn’t tell them why you made it. What would you be worried about happening if they did find out?

          1. Triple Anon*

            Mostly because there is a stigma attached to it, which could hypothetically affect my reputation in that industry.

            1. FD*

              It’s possible, but I suspect the way you feel about it might be coloring your perception of how others might feel about it. I mean, I’ve worked in hospitality, which is an insanely gossipy field, and I can’t imagine anyone going, “Hey did you hear Triple Anon withdrew some of their retirement funds?”

              I mean, it’s just not a very salacious rumor, really, so it’s hard to imagine many people caring enough to spread it even if they did hear.

              You cannot be the only person to ever do this in your field, so have you heard gossip about it before with others? If not then I think you’re probably fairly safe.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              As we go along there will be less and less stigma. I ended up in a spot where I had to make withdrawals from my IRA. Medical costs and funeral costs plus other things will get ya there. Eh, unless someone was willing to pay off these bills for me, they had no right to criticize how I handled it.

              My best suggestion is before you do anything, stop by a credit union near you and ask to speak to someone. My credit union bailed me and my father’s credit union bailed him when he was in a similar boat. I have no idea if they can help you and I have no idea what they would suggest if they could help. But it’s worth taking a chance.

      2. Triple Anon*

        So, I have a lot of anxiety around this kind of thing and I’m not very financially literate. Are you referring to taking out a loan against the 401k or withdrawing the 401k? Are you saying that withdrawing it is also like a loan? Do you have to pay it all back? And if you use it as collateral for a loan, you also pay penalties as if you were withdrawing it?

        I really wish they taught you this stuff in school. I mean courses that everyone takes, not college econ/finance.

        1. FD*

          There are, as I understand it, two options. (Understand I’m not a financial pro, though I do read a lot about this.)

          Option 1: Borrowing directly from your 401(k).

          Most, but not all, plans will allow you to borrow money directly out of your 401(k). You are basically being your own bank in this scenario. There are legal limits to what you can borrow (generally, no more than 50% of the vested amount). You must pay interest on this money, and that amount is generally set by law. That interest is paid back into your 401(k).

          In this case, you must pay the entire amount back with interest within five years. If you don’t do that, the remaining balance is treated as I describe below.

          Option 2: Taking a withdrawal from your 401(k).

          This is a different animal altogether. The government doesn’t really like people taking out 401(k) money before retirement, so they penalize you for it as a deterrent. If you choose to do this, there are several consequences.

          1) You have to pay income tax on the withdrawal. When you put money into the 401(k), it was pre-tax dollars. So if you take it out, you have to pay tax on it like you would if you got it as a bonus from your job. (I believe you have to pay both federal and state tax on it, for that matter.)

          2) You get hit with a 10% early withdrawal penalty. This means that in addition to the income tax you owe on it, you have to pay another 10% on the amount you withdraw to the IRS.* This is frankly meant to really deter people from doing it.

          This means that you’ll be paying your effective tax rate +10% on anything you take out, so it’s not a very good idea. Even if you are in the 15% tax bracket for the current year, that means an effective 25% reduction in the ‘paper’ value of your investment. And then you still have to account for losing the potential returns, etc.

          Generally, it’s a really, really bad idea to take a withdrawal from your 401(k) unless there’s no other choice. You are usually better off with a loan than you are taking a withdrawal.

          * There are a few exceptions where you can avoid the early withdrawal penalty, but nothing you’ve described meets them.

          1. FD*

            Reading more of your comments elsewhere, I understand that you feel short on options. Here’s the three steps I would suggest:

            1. Check into an SBA loan. If you have a great business plan and can show success, you have a good chance of getting one. Interest rates are low and you avoid some of the penalties described above.

            2. If that doesn’t work, see if you can borrow from your 401(k).

            3. If that doesn’t work, then take a withdrawal from your 401(k).

    7. fposte*

      Agreeing with FD and chiming in with more math. How much are you clearing each month without the debt payments? How much is each debt, how much is the interest rate on it, how is it calculated, and how long will it be until it’s paid off on your current payoff schedule? (This is something it’s good for you to figure out even if there’s no 401k in the picture.) Then figure out how much that debt is going to cost you in total that way. Then add the ones you’d use the 401k to pay off together–how does that amount compare to the costs FD outlines on the 401k withdrawal?

      Have a look at Mr. Money Mustache for severe saving tips if you haven’t, too.

  92. AlphabetSoupCity*

    Do any of you swim or have suggestions for good resources for swimming? I’m an intermediate level swimmer and I think I really need coaching, but YouTube videos or blogs with training, technique, and for would be so helpful. I’m currently in an intermediate swim class but they’re not really giving me feedback on my technique!

    1. Thlayli*

      If you’re already in a class I think asking your teacher for feedback is probably the most efficient way to get it.

      The best tip I can give is that for me swimming is all about breathing – once you get the breathing technique right the rest is just practice.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I agree with your first statement. I’m not a swimmer, but I’ve done a lot of other physical classes and some teachers just don’t critique technique unless you specifically ask. I find that the best way to do that is either start off the lesson with “My goal today is to work on X, would you mind keeping an eye on how I’m doing with it?” Or when you’re working on something you’d like feedback on: “I feel like I’m not doing X quite right would you mind watching me and giving me some tips?” Teachers and coached should be comfortable being critical, but some people just aren’t, so I like to frame it like asking for tips instead of critique in those cases.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Im an avid swimmer and still constantly work on my technique after 30 years. I would suggest checking out Total Immersion on youtube to get a sense of the mechanics of the four strokes. That was the “training” i used in conjunction with triathlon training when I was doing that some years ago. However, there is also the Swim Smooth school of training that has a slightly different bent to TI that you may find helpful (TI focuses more on length per stroke while SS is about eliminating dead spots in the cycle)

      If you aren’t getting the feedback in class then I would suggest searching out a swim-specific school (like workshops for triathletes) or one-on-one coach – look up a Swim Smooth certified coach – who even in a few private sessions will be able to correct a lot of common errors. If you are looking to progress to longer distances and maybe open water swimming or masters swimming, that can be money well spent!

    3. swimmer*

      I was also in an advanced swim class but decided to hire a coach for some triathlon focused tips and that hour did more for my technique than the year of class. She saw little things like how I was lifting my head a bit too much for example. I was a good swimmer before but that one session really transformed my swimming so maybe a one-on-one with a reputable coach?

    4. Bekx*

      My boyfriend is a swim coach for the local high school. He does private lessons occasionally (like $30/half hour). You can probably ask the local high school swim coach if they’d be willing to help! I think a few of the coaches do at their school.

  93. DrWombat*

    In the process of apartment hunting and trying to find a subletter to finish out my lease. I get dissertation comments Monday back from my committee, too. Anyone have tips for resetting sleep schedule? I went mostly nocturnal getting the dissertation done, and then let it get really weird the weeks I had ‘off’. Now I am at least back to getting up at a reasonable time, but I find it really hard to get out of bed and overcome that ‘I’d rather lie in bed and check Twitter’ inertia?

    On the plus side, I did see my nephew this past weekend – 4 year olds are adorable!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I read that as apartment haunting at first, LOL.

      Relatable AF. Not working has really messed up my hours and I need to reset them as well. I find that when I get up at the same time every day, even on weekends, it’s easier to maintain the schedule I keep during the week. If I do sleep in, I don’t do it for more than an hour.

    2. Meow meow*

      Sometimes I will deliberately schedule events in the morning so I have to get out of bed since I definitely struggle with leaving the warm coziness. Then once you’re up, really important to stay up and not take naps (my downfall)! For night-time sleeping, trying to move your bedtime back by one hour every night, plus minus melatonin if that is helpful for you.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      If you stay up as long as possible, don’t stay up until your “goal” bedtime. Your sleep deficit will have you waking up at noon, which doesn’t solve the problem. When I reset my sleep schedule, I stay let myself go to bed at 7 or 8 (on the day after I’ve stayed up all day – I assume that this is what you’re talking about) and then just sleep through the next 10-12 hours. That’s assuming your body enjoys that kind of sleep.

      My mom loves ZzzQuil. Maybe try that?

  94. Anon childless friend*

    This problem has probably happened to many of you, so I thought someone might have some insight from either side.

    In my group of friends, a few have started to have kids and some of us (me included) have decided to not have kids. I live far away but visit periodically and before all the kids, we would all get together as a group. Now that is too complicated, and for me it’s just too crazy with all the kids together, so I’m fine seeing everyone separately. Of course it is now very different spending time with the friends with kids, for all the typical reasons (nap schedules, crying kids interrupting every conversation, etc.). And there is an underlying undertone that us childless people have simple lives and unending free time. This is true to a certain degree, of course, but it is also mainly because of the different choices we’ve all made. I still hang out with the parents when I visit, but it is hard sometimes to be made to feel my life is less important the whole time.

    So, in my last visit, the friends with kids both told me that they are super disappointed in the other childless friends that they never see them anymore. I’ve talked with these other childless friends and they feel the same as me about hanging out with the parents, so I know exactly why the parents never see them. I just kind of waived it off, but is it worth discussing this with the parent-friends? I love them, but in my experience getting new parents to see things from a non-parent perspective can be a bit tricky. I think us childless friends just end up either handling them with kid-gloves (ha ha) which is what I have done, or avoiding them, which seems to be the tactic of my other friends.

    My inclination is to avoid the discussion and hope that we can all remain friends over time, but I also recognize that it might not be possible. I just feel like the parents may not understand why. But it could make things worse to try and discuss it with them. Any thoughts?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I think you probably shouldn’t try to speak on behalf of the other people without kids, as you don’t have to be responsible for that. Also they might not all share the same reasons, even if they say they do – you really never know who is going through fertility struggles or pregnancy loss for example. Only a few people know the real reasons why I tend to back off from friendships when people have kids unless we are very close. So I would not try to speak on behalf of the group – or talk to the others before doing so.

      I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. It’s a shame they’re disappointed. But this might have to wait a few years until they song have really young kids.

    2. Thlayli*

      I agree with Ramona don’t get into any sort of conversation about why your other friends without kids aren’t seeing the parents. No possible good will come from that. You could be totally wrong about their reasons too.

      As a parent I have found the best way to spend time with my friends who don’t have kids is to be upfront with them about whether they will be seeing just me or me and the kids, and explain to them what that will be like, because they don’t always realise what it will be like. For example, sometimes I have invited people over during day and said “kids will be here” but they show up expecting to have a heart to heart conversation with a cup of tea, and I’m like, eh no i have the kids today I can not have hot liquids or speak to you for more than 30 seconds at a time. So now I’m like “if you want to come see the kids come before 9pm, otherwise come after 9:30”. Some people come early and play with the kids, others come after bedtime and we have our heart to heart over tea or wine.

      Basically, expectations are often way off on both sides. Parents can feel like the ones without kids are being unreasonable by expecting the undivided attention of the parent and the ones without kids are confused why the parents can’t just stick the kids in front of the tv and ignore them for long enough to have a cup of tea and a chat, and feel that is a totally reasonable request and the parents are being unreasonable.

      Sleep deprivation doesn’t help either. When you have had 10 hours of sleep in the last 3 days and are worried your child’s illness is a symptom of a serious condition (which happens at least once every couple of months), it is hard to concentrate on someone else’s dating worries as they suddenly seem so frivolous. But the non-parents know that kids get sick and it’s probably fine and what’s the big deal.

      As you have realised yourself this will die down in a few years when the kids are older and you can go back to a more normal relationship with your mates, because the older kids will be ok in front of the tv for half an hour and the parents will be getting more sleep.

    3. Anon childless friend*

      Thanks Ramona and Thayli. I’m glad my first inclination to avoid talking about it with the parents is probably the way to go.

      I guess I was just surprised that the parents didn’t seem to understand at all why things have changed. I get that they don’t have much bandwidth, and we childless people have to be the flexible ones if we want to see them, but I think it’s a choice. I’ve decided to be flexible and follow their schedule when I visit, but I get why other people don’t necessarily want to be at the mercy of the parent/kid schedule just to go hang out with people who now dismiss their lives as trivial. But I think it will take time for everyone to adjust to the new normal, and eventually maybe for everyone to be able to see where each other are coming from.

      1. Overeducated*

        I hope it will help when the kids are a little older and more self sufficient too. It sounds to me like there are two separate issues here: the logistics of getting together, which is practical, and the sense that the parent friends see your life as more trivial, which is more about how you relate. I think it is not a good idea to think of these as the same issue, since people can have real constraints on their time while fully respecting your life choices and constraints. Viewing your life as less important is a bad thing to do to a friend, and worth talking to them aboit of they say anything along those lines…but if they respect and value your choices fully, that won’t necessarily make it any easier to get together without kids, and they’re not doing that part at you.

        A note of hope and encouragement: my friendships have all been very disrupted by tons of life changes in the last few years, but my oldest and best friendships have been disrupted many a time for many reasons, and we reshape them and pick them back up after pauses of sometimes years. Life is a long haul and friendships may change a lot but some are worth waiting through those periods. I hope your friends are worth waiting for and make the effort to reach out to you.

        1. Overeducated*

          Wait I am sorry, I just reread the part with the friends with kids being super disappointed in the childless friends. That’s unfair and I’m sorry. I don’t think there’s much you can say beyond “I have constraints to work around too, we’re all doing our best” that will help. You’re right that it’s a new normal and will take time but I hope they extend you some understanding just as you do to them!

        2. Anon childless friend*

          This is really helpful – separating the logistics vs. the trivializing. Most of the time I’m ok with dealing with the logistics. And for me, the trivializing is usually fleeting and I so far have been able to forgive that as them being in their bubble and I try to not let it bother me.

          But my other childless friends have told me that they aren’t really willing to deal with either of those issues, which I don’t blame them for.

    4. Betsy*

      I don’t have kids (just being open about that).

      Perhaps don’t bring up the things they can’t change like conversation interruptions and naps. But I think it would be OK to mention the underlying judgment, if you’re quite sure it is judgment. I know some people with kids can be a little condescending about those without, and I would find this quite off putting. My friends with kids aren’t, but I’ve definitely heard my fair share of condescending comments about people without children.

      1. Observer*

        Providing you talk for yourself only, this is sound.

        From where I sit (as a person with kids, who has gotten more judgement than I care to remember about “doing that”), if the friendship is valuable you (on either side of the table) should be willing to put up with some logistical juggling and some less than optimal encounters. But no one should have to put up with judgement. So, when your friends get judge-y or trivializing, you might want to gently call that out. And if they complain again you could have a bigger picture conversation – not to talk for the others, because you can’t, but to call out the pattern you see.

    5. neverjaunty*

      If you can’t have that discussion and just want to pretend nothing’s wrong and it will go away, while secretly believing these folks look down on you and don’t listen to you – then you’re not really friends.

      If you just dislike the way that their lives have changed and you’re no longer compatible, that’s perfectly okay, but it’s not necessary to come up with an excuse to do a slow fade.

      And if you are friends and want them in your lives, for the love of grid, talk to them.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s tricky. I find that the new parents have something of a blind spot (which sometimes becomes full-blown selfishness if they’re pushy about it) about the fact that they’re the ones who have changed the dynamic of the friendship. They’re the ones who decided to make a life change, they didn’t consult you about it, and they’re just assuming that you’re on board. It’s not something to get angry about, and it’s not a situation where blame comes into play, but I think you might feel better if you’re able to articulate this situation for what it is: your friends did something one their own and they’re self-centered enough to assume that you don’t deserve a say in how your friendships should play out. It’s like moving to a different time zone for work and then wondering why your friends don’t visit you. It’s a choice you’re making in the interest of furthering your own life, but you shouldn’t act like it has any benefit for your friends, because it doesn’t.

      I don’t think it’s something that’s easy to talk about with the other parents.

  95. Effie, who is pondering*

    Would you spend $80+ on a discontinued fragrance that you adore?

    Fragrances are important to me, but this is a discontinued fragrance from 2008 so even if I buy a “new never used” one off eBay, would I even be able to use it? I heard that you shouldn’t use perfumes after 3 years (although I break that rule myself all the time, I don’t know if I want to buy something that I know is almost 10 years old).

    2. FD*

      I don’t know about perfumes not being useable anymore. My mom has been using the same bottles of perfumes for more than twenty years and they seem potent enough. She’s never gotten a rash or anything either.

      I think you have to assess the possibilities. I guess it comes down to, in your personal financial situation, is the $80 worth the risk? Worst case, it’s lost money. Best case, it’s a perfume you can wear for years to come.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Being that it’s 10 years old, I wouldn’t buy it. I don’t know a lot about frangrance but I know it can change over time if it’s opened. I would think it would be ok if it hadn’t been opened and it’s been only a few years, but 10 is too much I think.

      I feel you though. It’s annoying when your favorites are discontinued. I can get my favorite, Summer Hill by Crabtree and Evelyn, only in the spring and summer, which I didn’t figure out until this year. I’m trying to make my bottle last until they release it again. When it’s back in stock I plan to buy two bottles so I have enough until next year.

    4. fposte*

      I might. I find fragrances last much longer than they’re popularly supposed to. I’m a very slow user of perfume and I’ve definitely got bottles of that vintage lying around; they’ve been opened to boot. I can tell the difference on some, but what it affects doesn’t always matter that much–one is missing a note at spray but is much the same in drydown, for instance.

      (Luca Turin buys old stuff all the time too.)

      1. Nicole*

        I have personally found that some perfumes hold up over time whereas others do not. I have two bottles I’ve used for over five years which I’ve kept in the bathroom and shaken (two no-nos that I didn’t realize until recently), yet a bottle of another fragrance I purchased, kept it the box away from sunlight and heat and never shook changed in less than six months and I could no longer stand it.

    5. Anono-me*

      I wouldn’t. (But then I am not a big perfume wearer. )

      At that age the risk that it has changed is too high for me. Also I would worry that the seller may not know if it has been stored at reasonable temperatures all that time.

      If I really missed a scent, I probably would try to work with a personalized perfumer to see if they could create something that recalled what you loved about the discontinued scent. (A friend raves about having personal scents made.)

      Good luck.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      Probably not :/ Fragrance can change dramatically in response to light (which is why tester display perfumes get weird – those Macy’s lights are no joke) and heat. Even if the seller has 100% pure and honest intentions, there’s no way of knowing if she left the boxed perfume in her bedroom on a 100 degree day or if the box sufficiently kept out the UV light.

  96. headaches*

    I had this super strong headache come on when I was asleep, it was so painful it woke me up! It was very focused on the front of my head. I was having some stressful dream at the time although I don’t remember any of the particulars. It was kind of scary, I was wondering if I was dying. But I’m still here so all’s good for now. I rarely get headaches so that was also weird. Anyone ever experienced this? I am trying to not look at the internet, which I know will convince me I am dying :)

    1. Colette*

      I occasionally get strong headaches in my sleep, usually while camping. I always attribute it to dehydration but I do t know what the actual cause is. Once I get up, they usually mostly go away.

      1. headaches*

        hmm, maybe this. I exercised yesterday outdoor in the cold and it’s always hard to remember to drink adequately in the cold so maybe I didn’t hydrate adequately.

    2. Overeducated*

      Sinus headache maybe, if you’ve been congested? I am just getting over a sinus infection and I had a painful headache just behind and above my eyebrows for days. Hope it feels better!

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      2 of them this week! I get migraines occasionally so it’s not that unusual for me (I take daily medication for them). I really hate waking up in the middle of the night with a bad headache, as I know it means I’ll be tired and cranky in the morning. I take an over the counter migraine relief pill (like Excedrin, but the store brand) and that sometimes helps. It might be worth it to get a small bottle just in case.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I get headaches pretty regularly for all kinds of reasons: sinus congestion, rapid changes in barometric pressure, dehydration, hormonal changes, potassium deficiency, etc. The WORST are the ones like the one you had. I completely sympathize– I’ve had several headaches in my life where I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t get back to sleep, and part of that was the fear that I was dying. You’re probably not dying.

      Sometimes a cold compress helps. Sometimes a hot compress helps. :) For me, I just have to wait it out and schnoogle my dog and hope it goes away. Mine are usually gone in a few hours (oddly, those I-feel-like-I’m-dying headaches go away faster for me than my “regular” headaches). If you can get some water and ibuprofen into your body, try that. Feel better!

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      In my late 20s I started getting massive headaches in focused areas when the weather was about to get bad. Is it raining or snowing a lot where you are? Did the temperature drop dramatically? When I know it’s supposed to rain/snow/get super cold, I pop an advil before bed the night before.

    6. Envy*

      Possible need of caffeine? Some people I know will have headaches if they sleep in past their regular wake up and have coffee time.

  97. I Am Still Furious!!*

    It’s weird how time gives us perspective.

    Something came up in my Facebook “on this day” feed. Long story short, in Sept 2015 I bought new tires for my vehicle, and there was a $70 rebate via Visa gift card from the tire manufacturer. I filled out the paperwork, sent it in, and in December realized I hadn’t received it. I contacted the rebate center, and they said the gift card was mailed in early November. I hadn’t received it, so I asked for a replacement, which they sent. With $1.36 on it. On Feb 11, 2016.

    So, I asked why only $1.36 instead of $70, and I learned that someone had drained it on the 10th and 11th of November. They said I needed to fill out a fraud report, and said they’d mail the paperwork. Which never arrived. Twice. Finally they sent it to me via email attachment.

    I filled out a police report, got the paperwork, and they were never able to determine who used the card because too much time elapsed and the surveillance video wasn’t available any longer.

    At the time, I asked my husband if he did this. He swore up and down he didn’t.

    Now I know in my heart this was just another one of his lies. The fact that the paperwork from the Visa company failed to arrive via mail, twice, and the gift card arrived via mail, all while I was at work and he was at home, and that the card was used at two gas stations (for lottery tickets, I’m sure), pretty much seals the deal. He looked right at me and insisted he would never do that.

    I am so glad I filed for divorce. I am so looking forward to finalizing this, going back to my maiden name, and never, ever speaking to him again as long as I am alive.

    Oh, and I know there were questions last week about health insurance. My state doesn’t recognize separation, so even though I filed for divorce and we are living apart, I can’t just drop him from my company’s insurance plan. He has to agree to it, in writing, which he won’t. Once we’re divorced, he’s on his own. That’s why he’s dragging his feet. We are 55 years old, and he has never, ever once done anything in life to further his skills or education. He doesn’t even know the basics about computers, as in, he has no idea how to use email, so his job prospects are pretty dim. He’s managed to get a job driving a cab. Jobs around here that offer insurance require some skill level or physical activity. Yes, there’s the ACA, but again, he has no clue how to navigate anything. I tried for years and years to teach him things, but it was always the same thing: you’re so good at this, it’s just easier if you do it. Yep. I hope he chokes on those words.

    1. UtOh!*

      There will probably be other things that come bubbling to the surface every now and again. It’s incredible how, when we are just too close to the situation, we miss things until they can’t be missed any longer so action has to be taken. You sound really strong, and your resolve is what is going to keep you on your path to living the life you want, not the one forced upon you by a man-child-sociopath. I don’t know if you’ve ever read the book “The Sociopath Next Door”, but it’s a real eye-opener. I am also hoping, from your experience, you will be able to spot these types from a mile away and quickly divert yourself from their path.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Well, now you have the truth confirmed. It’s amazing how the truth always bubbles to the surface and people get caught in their lies.
      It sounds like he got married and life stopped for him. So many things wrong with that picture. Am very glad you are well on your way out.

    4. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Your story made me remember that a couple of weeks ago I realised that my husband was on Ecstacy the first night we kissed. It seems so obvious now, but it took me 21 years to realise.

      It sucks to realise we’ve been lied to.

      I’m glad you’ll be free soon x

    5. Effie, who is pondering*

      I know how you feel. Lots of internet hugs. And you are so mighty. Experience the pain, and keep moving forward

  98. SparklingStars*

    I’m trying to figure out how to tell my boyfriend of 6 months that I don’t really want him to come on an overseas trips that I’ve been saving up for since before I met him. I finally have enough saved up, and when I told him about it he just took it for granted that I wanted him to come with me. We’ve never done any traveling together, or even spent the night together for that matter, and I feel like starting off with 11 days in a different country for our first trip would be madness. Plus he would have to use all of his paid time off for the rest of the year and I don’t think that would be a good idea either. How can I gently tell him that I really just want to do this alone? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Uf. Awkward.

      I think honesty is the best policy here, but perhaps not blunt honesty. Something like:

      “I love that you want us to travel together. When I get back from my trip, we should definitely start planning a holiday together.”

      “I’ve been saving for this trip for a long time and I’m looking forward to spending some me-time on it. I hope you understand.”

      I can’t think of anymore but maybe someone else will have a good idea.

      Good luck!

    2. EA*

      So I think 6 months into the relationship is when you can start being direct and not tip toeing around someone or trying to be ‘nice’.

      Are you planning on going with someone else? You could say you started planning this a year ago with x. If you are going alone, just explain you started thinking about this years ago and want to go alone. If I was you I would just admit that you are nervous about such a long time away together, and try and plan a weekend away together to test the waters.

      Try not to agonize about this and his reaction.
      It isn’t all about what he wants and you are not responsible for his emotions.

      1. futurelibrariannomore*

        +1

        And to add to this, if he throws a fit over something like this, that’s something to think about. After all, you’ve only been dating for 6 months. There is a lifetime ahead of opportunities!

        I also speak from experience. My boyfriend travels, and is aiming to hit a big travel goal of his in the coming years. When I mentioned joining him for a trip, he explained that while he would love to do other trips with me, these trips are for him and his very good friends. So, we’re now planning a “just us” mini-trip, that won’t break the bank for his bigger stuff, but will still give us the opportunity to travel together.

    3. Pollygrammer*

      Maybe “I’ve given it some thought, and I think it would be a good idea for me to do this solo the way I’ve been planning.”

      Because yeah, you want to start way smaller with co-traveling. And his taking his invitation for granted is a little bit…not wonderful.

  99. Wrench Turner*

    Any motorcycle riders in the AAM universe? I just paid my insurance for the year – $91.
    Despite my best efforts, I have zero friends to ride with, and zero interest in joining a motorcycle club.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My husband was much the same. He did not care for clubs at all and motorcycle clubs were no different. He had a couple friends who rode but if they went anywhere together once or twice a year that was a lot. Basically he enjoyed touring around by himself. The guy was a human atlas and never got lost. He knew every road around here.
      I remember him saying he would not ride side-by-side with anyone except for these two friends.

      He did do some group tours, I mean as a staff person. He would volunteer to be the tail end Charlie. He was great at fixing things so people were happy when he volunteered for this.

      He also did the motorcycle safety course which was absolutely grueling… to other people. He was fine. ha!

      He joined BMWMOA to get support for maintaining his bikes and parts etc.
      And he went to a few motorcycle rallies and pitched a tent for a couple days. So his hobby was this patchwork of activities. Basically he just enjoyed driving around.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        I enjoy the ride by myself – it’s just nice sometimes to share with friends. My friends are tolerant of my riding obsession but can’t relate.

    2. SC Anonibrarian*

      Hello! I just took my rider test this fall and I’m saving up for my first bike. I can’t imagine riding in a club, but there are a lot of charity events around here that lots of riders participate in, and I hope to be able to ride in those. Mainly I just want to ride around by myself and enjoy the outdoors and the road. I’m concerned about safety since I’ll be solo riding, but I’m trying to work out safety measures to have in place to mitigate that as much as possible.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        Welcome to the family! I inherited my first bike but this ‘free’ machine (Honda shadow vt750) needed so much work I may as well have purchased it. Now I’m saving up for the one I want, a VTX1800. I’m comfortable enough now riding that I’ve hit the top speed on my bike and need something that can go faster to keep up with highway traffic.

  100. Engagement Q’s*

    How long were you engaged before you got married? Did you have a big wedding? Do you regret not having/having a big wedding? What do you think is too long of an engagement?

    1. Mimmy*

      My husband and I were engaged for 10 months, which, in hindsight, is maybe just a little short if you’re looking to plan a large wedding. Our wedding was pretty big–about 200 guests I believe? I grew up in a family with traditional Catholic values, which I think is partly why my siblings and I had the traditional, beautiful church weddings. Plus, my parents can never resist a good party lol, which is exactly what the receptions are. Good music, lots of food and dancing. I think it was all a bit of a shock for my husband because his upbringing was quite the opposite of mine (although his mom tried instill good values).

      I would not change a thing about my wedding day–it was–and always will be–the most beautiful experience of my life. However, if I had to do it all over again, I’d probably want to go for something more low-key. I’m normally not into being at the center of attention; looking back, I’m amazed that I didn’t melt down when I saw allllllll those people as I was walking down the aisle and knowing they were all watching me. I have no idea how I did not get overwhelmed at the end of the night–it marked my first time living away from home (except for college) since we did not live together before then.

      As for length of engagement: I think that should be an individual couple’s decision, taking into account how big of a wedding you want and how much planning is needed. As I said above, we were engaged 10 months (engaged Christmas Day, married early October of the following year). Given the size of our wedding, I think we got lucky. One to 1.5 years seems to be the most common length, maybe 2 years. Beyond that is getting a bit long.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Two years, as we wanted to get married at a particular time of year and doing it sooner would have meant a house move and a wedding within too short a period of time.

      Ours was medium to large. If I did it again I would do something smaller and be much more select about who to invite.

      I don’t think any length of engagement is right or wrong – it’s up to the individual people involved. Personally I was clear that I only wanted to be engaged if a wedding would follow within a few years but that’s just me.

    3. anon24*

      I was engaged for about a year before we got married, but we’d been talking about getting married when he graduated college for awhile at that point anyway. Being engaged was just a formality. We had a tiny wedding, immediate family and 2 close friends. We got married at a waterfall in a park, and then had a picnic in the barn/pavilion. Neither of us cared about “getting” married, we just wanted to “be” married and we used the money we could have spent on a wedding for a really nice honeymoon. No regrets.

      As for too long an engagement, I don’t think there’s a right answer. Every couple is different and everyone has different things going on in their life so I think it’s something that is up to the couple to decide. I know people who wanted to be married ASAP and I know people who either wanted years to plan for the perfect wedding, or who wanted time to hit certain goals in their life first.

    4. Nicole*

      We were engaged about a year and a half and chose to elope. We had a very nice beach ceremony, a two week post-wedding vacation, and didn’t spend so much that we accumulated any debt. We also didn’t have a shower or party because we had been living together for years and didn’t need anything, nor do we like being the center of attention. It worked out quite well for us. No regrets!

    5. Anona*

      We were engaged 6 or 7 months? 130 people came to our wedding. It was quick, and stressful planning the wedding, but we’d been together a few years and wanted to be married.

      No regrets on wedding size or length of engagement. If I had to do it again, I’d try to stress less and not obsess over things like cake toppers.

      I personally wouldn’t have wanted an engagement much over a year, but it’s a very personal choice.

    6. Rainy*

      We are currently engaged. We decided to get married in December 2015, got engaged in August 2016 (I designed my ring from scratch, bought the stones, and then commissioned a jeweler, who took way longer than we wanted, which was why the delay), and are getting married this December.

      We are having a small wedding (~50). I would never have a big wedding, even if we could afford it, which we can’t. :)

      Honestly, I think that people vary so much on that stuff that whatever you think is too long is too long for you. By the time we announced we had about sixteen months til the wedding, but some of that timing was us trying to make enough time to save up. I think that under six months would be too short to actually plan the wedding, and more than two years would be way too long to me–I actually want to marry him, not just be engaged forever!–but I’ve known people who had long engagements to allow family members to get back from deployments or the couple to finish college/grad school, etc, and I would never tell them they were wrong to do so.

    7. Wrench Turner*

      We were engaged for 2 months and I planned a tiny wedding ($2k total spent). We don’t regret it one bit. I love seeing happy friends at their wedding but I know how much a hassle that is.

    8. Jacquelyn*

      We had a 6-month engagement (we had already been together for 7 years and lived together). I am happy we had such a short engagement. Wedding planning was pretty stress-free and I was glad to not have too long to overthink everything (it can be easy to start overthinking and stressing about table decorations, invitations, etc). It helped that our wedding was off-season, during winter, so we had no competition for our ideal venue. We had 65 guests which to me was the perfect size. Small enough to have a personal connection to every guest but big enough for it to be a real party!

      I think an engagement beyond 2 years would be excessive (but people can and should do what makes them happy)!

    9. one year engagement*

      I was engaged for one year. My husband and I are Catholic and our church requires one year of notice before a wedding, both for scheduling reasons and so the engaged couple can complete pre-martial counseling and marriage preparation classes. My husband proposed on our one year anniversary and we notified our priest the same day. Our wedding was held exactly a year later.

      We had about 500 people at our wedding. We each come from a big Italian family so this is normal for us. There was never a question of where or how many people so we never questioned it. In our families engagements traditionally are for a year because of the church requirements. People contact their church as soon as they are engaged to book the date. I’ve been to a couple of weddings in Italy and those engagements were 18 months due to the logistics and planning an overseas wedding. I think anything longer than 18 months is too long but that’s just my personal opinion.

    10. Observer*

      I have no opinion on how long an engagement “should” be (outside of the circles I move in, sometimes.) But, as a practical matter, I can say that in most cases it’s possible to plan even a fairly big wedding in a couple of months. Of course if you have specific requirements (eg the requirements One year mentions, or specific venues, etc.) that’s going to make a difference. But all of the other stuff is doable if you want it to be and you are willing to not insist on every physical detail being “perfect”.

      Of course, just because something is possible does not necessarily mean that it’s the best choice. The best choice depends on the couple in question.

    11. heckofabecca*

      We got engaged in November, began wedding planning in December, and had a 125-person wedding in August. So, engaged 9 months total. Our wedding was fantastic despite a traumatizing planning process (nothing to do with how long/short it took!), so I can’t really speak to regrets. I think different people want different things out of their wedding. Ours was a perfect size FOR US, but it won’t be a perfect size for everyone.

      In terms of a too-long engagement— if we had waited another year to marry (which was the original plan, but his grandparents pulled the “We might die” card, which is generally a shitty move to pull), we might not have gotten married at all—some issues didn’t go away/got worse. I’m glad we did get married, as now we are both more committed to working things out together.

      I guess I don’t see the point of an engagement without some idea of when you’ll actually be getting married (as in cases others have mentioned, whether it’s “ASAP” or “when the ring is done” or “when we won’t be moving”). “Engagement” just means “we’re getting married” to me, and I like to plan things! But it’s really all what makes sense for you!!!

    12. LadyKelvin*

      Well, we set the date (reserved the church and reception venue) about 17 months before the wedding, but he didn’t propose until about 11 months before the wedding. I’m not sure what really counts. It didn’t really matter to me since we had already decided to get married and he wanted to propose in a special place (on the top of the Kleine Matterhorn in Zermatt, Switzerland). We had a moderately large wedding ~100 people. It was in my very inexpensive hometown so it didn’t cost us a lot, but I would have liked to have a bigger wedding. We didn’t want to go into debt and that’s what we could afford. We both have really big families so there were lots of rules about “first cousins but no second cousins” etc to keep our numbers small. I don’t regret it. I would have done things different if I could go back and redo. I want a small wedding on the beach BUT we had a really good time and a great party. So the wedding was what I wanted at the time, but not what I would want now. If that makes sense.

    13. Mrs. Fenris*

      We were engaged for 8 months and had a fairly large wedding (about 300 guests), *but* it was a pretty different setting than most AAM readers are dealing with…including me, now. It was 25 years ago in a small town in the Bible Belt. Southern Baptist weddings don’t have alcohol or dancing. We had fewer choices for venues, and all of our vendors knew each other (for instance, we had flowers on the cake, but I didn’t have to get the florist and the cake baker together; they coordinated with each other and I wasn’t involved at all). It was a lovely wedding that was fairly high end for that setting, but it was easy and cheap. :-)

    14. Beatrice*

      We were engaged for 18 months before we got married. Our wedding was small – maybe 20 guests? But we had a huge reception after. I don’t really regret the size of the wedding or the length of our engagement, but I regret getting married at 22, and I regret the amount of input we allowed his family to have in the wedding planning. One of his sisters was a wedding planner at the time, and we had the wedding on his parents’ farm, and it was my initiation into this really codependent smothering involvement that caused bigger problems for years later.

    15. Earthwalker*

      Engaged three months. If we hadn’t been together long enough to be sure of what we were doing, or if we had huge wedding plans, we might have wanted a longer time, but that worked for us. The wedding was a picnic with a few friends. 35 years later, no regrets. When I read about the incredible detail of modern weddings that must be perfect, and the family bickers over how it must be just so, and the huge expense, oh, my, no regrets at all!

    16. Natalie*

      Engaged for ~11 months, and had a small wedding (35 people including us). The only regrets I have are around logistical issues like not letting the caterers handle our tables and chairs and stuff like that. I loved having a small wedding.

  101. Victoria, Please*

    Does anyone do quilts? I want to make a cathedral window quilt wall hanging, and I’ve never done anything like it at all. As I understand it cathedral windows are quite simple once you get started.

    I’d like to get some help figuring out how many units I will need for the particular pattern, and I’m hesitant to go to a local quilt shop for help… Yelp reviews indicate that the three or four shops local to me seem cliquish and snippety, with very iffy customer service. Possibly even some racist overtones, whew. No thanks.

    Are there quilting Facebook groups, or maybe Meetups, do you know?

    1. Rainy*

      There are definitely quilting FB groups, but I think Textillia might be what you’re looking for, or Quiltingboard dot com?

    2. BatteryB*

      Are there any quilting groups locally? There’s a large quilting guild where I live, and they seem to be open to quilters at all levels.

      1. HelenVL*

        My suggestions are You tube and Google. ( my favourite way of getting ideas, is to use google images, and just start looking ). Have fun!
        P

  102. Someone else*

    Question for longtime posters, especially those who’ve switched handles at least once. I’ve been using this name for about a year and in the past two weeks noticed some comments with the same name (including case) which were not me. I never noticed this before a couple of weeks ago. Now, obviously, no one logs in. We don’t have assigned usernames and put in whatever name. And I know I’m probably not someone recognizable like fposte or Snark or Ramona Flowers, but I also (probably due to misplaced vanity) sort of bristled that the name might be recognizeable to someone, and seem like some of the things I was not saying, were me.

    So, should I change my handle? Change it and somehow indicate I’ve changed it? Say hi to the other person sometime? (I know not everyone reads all comments so maybe they never even noticed we were posting with the same name). Let it go because I’m being a giant narcissist? Or do you think my choice of “Someone else” was too generic to begin with and reads like Anon and you never assumed anything with that name were one person to begin with?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      There’s another poster who uses this name in a different format (they have numbers on the end) and I felt so weird when I realised and couldn’t think who used it first.

      It’s not narcissistic to have feelings about this!

      What would you like to do? What would
      you feel comfortable doing?

    2. HannahS*

      I’m not sure. I once posted something very similar; there’s me, HannahS, and there was someone else, Hannah S.–very similar. Fortunately, I agreed with everything she wrote! But after I posted the same question you’re asking, I think she now is just called Hannah or something like that. So it kind of took care of itself. In retrospect, I sort of wish I’d picked something more unique; Hannah’s not even my real name, and I have other pseudonyms in other parts of the internet. Someone suggested to me that I could choose a new name and put “formerly HannahS” in brackets next to it.

    3. nep*

      I saw Nep recently — that was odd. I think they’re different enough, as I’ve invariably been nep, all lower case. But it struck me.
      If you would feel better changing your username, I say go for it. I get that it would be a bit off-putting.

    4. Earthwalker*

      Hey, I thought it was just me! It seemed odd coincidence two weeks ago when someone popped up using “girasol” as a handle in the same group where I’ve used it for years. The post was a normal one, not like the person was trolling in any way. To avoid confusion I switched names. I’m not one of the well recognized and followed folks here and I didn’t figure anyone would notice or care. I have not seen the alternate girasol since that one time.

    5. Laura H*

      I used Laura without the H at first but then I added the H cause I’m not the only Laura- but that’s mostly to prevent me going “I don’t remember commenting on this one.”

    6. Merci Dee*

      I’ve noticed someone who posts with the name MerciMe. Pretty similar, but there’s enough difference that it hasn’t caused any confusion. So I’m comfortable hanging on to the handle I’ve got for now.

    7. TL -*

      A few times someone has commented as TL and I always just respond to say, “hey this isn’t me, TL – ! It’s a new one, just so nobody gets confused” – which usually prompts them to change or add on to their name (I think Lady TL did this and one other changed their name entirely, IIRC)

      It’s a nice enough way to do it, I think – you’re not asking them to change their name but you are pointing out possible confusion and generally people don’t want to share a handle so they’ll just change it anyways.

      1. Someone else*

        Thanks. That helps. I think part of my initial problem was I didn’t want to sound overly aggressive (and was having trouble thinking of a thing to say that hit the tone I wanted) but I like the way you put it, nice, simple, not harsh. I may try that if I notice the other person again.

    8. Julianne*

      When I first started reading/commenting here, I used a name much closer to my real name, but I got worried about it being too identifiable given that I most often post about stuff related to my current and former (very distinct) profession and my location. (Probably it was actually fine, given that I avoided too many details in single posts and that I posted pretty infrequently, but I erred on the side of caution.) Because my goal was increased anonymity (and again, not a frequent commenter, so I doubted I’d be missed), I didn’t indicate the change.

      I think you’re fine changing or not changing, and if you do change your name, indicating or not indicating the change as you prefer. I would venture to guess the other Someone else probably took up that name to be anonymous, not out of malice towards you.

      1. Someone else*

        Oh yeah, I totally didn’t think there were malice intended. I just felt awkward and wanted the (potential) confusion to go away.

    9. Like Feathers*

      I spent a good 15 minutes trying to think of an alternative name for here- I’ve been going by Sparrow, but there’s already a Lily Sparrow here, and I didn’t want to tread on any toes. So eventually I found a song name that’s not goth or negative :-P

  104. DietCokeHead*

    I’m having clothes anxiety. I am going on a trip for that which is not named on the weekends and the trip includes an award banquet which required dressier clothes for the ladies. I don’t know what to bring. I have a dress with a black top and a floofier, green satin skirt. Do I bring that? Or a brown and cream swirly print dress? Or a black and pink flower print dress? I could post photos of the dresses if that would help. Sometimes I just really wish I was a man who can wear a suit and not have to go through the anxiety attacks of dressing up.

    In another note, why are all black dress pants now basically leggings? No pockets, no zipper, no buttons just pull on pants made of stretchy fabric. Where am I supposed to put my phone or vending machine change?

    I hope this is OK for the weekend thread. I didn’t start having this anxiety attack until I started packing my suitcase today.

    At least my husband is flying out to join me afterwards. We shall relax in the sun and maybe visit death valley next weekend.

    1. Lily Evans*

      Can you narrow it down by what travels best if you’re having trouble choosing? They all sound good, but does one wrinkle less easily or take up less packing space?

    2. HannahS*

      All three sound fine! I’d say, you can pack all three and decide when you get there, or like Lily says, choose the one that’s easiest to pack.

      I’m with you on the dress pants. It’s so frustrating! I’m large-bottomed, and I refuse to wear pants that show the contour under my bum.

    3. MeM*

      I’ve actually worn what I considered my nicest looking black suit to awards dinners, but with dressier shoes, flashier earnings, and big/bold shawl or scarf.

    4. DietCokeHead*

      I’m going with the black top and green skirt! I texted a fellow conference goer and sent pictures and she cast her vote for that one. I’ve also managed to cram everything into my carry on suitcase.

  105. Delphine*

    I brought a new keyboard to work last week—not a mechanical switch but a Topre switch. I love this keyboard and I’m having a lot of fun typing on it. The sound is especially relaxing to me. One of my coworkers saw it and half-joked about it being a “monstrosity” (its a white keyboard with only 60% of the typical layout and the person who I got it from had replaced some standards keycaps with red-dyed versions). Comments like that always stick with me, it’s something I worked really hard to overcome. A few years back I would have felt ashamed at having liked something someone else felt was hideous and would have stopped using it. Now I just need a day or two to stop feeling the sting (another coworker said it looked cool afterwards so that helped). So part of this is definitely on me.

    But generally I dislike that people feel so comfortable offering their negative opinions about other people’s possessions/appearance/taste. I can’t imagine telling anyone I felt anything they like do or enjoyed was monstrous, not even as a joke, unless they asked for my opinion. And even then I’d take care to be considerate in my phrasing.

    I love my coworkers, they’re all great people, and the one who made this comment is no exception. I don’t hold it against them at all. But boy, I was not happy with that comment…and clearly I’m still thinking about it days and days later. The things that get stuck in our heads…

    1. Rainy*

      When people do that, I always smile real big and say “Thanks!” just as though it had been a compliment.

      It makes the kind of people who are comfortable insulting you and your stuff to your face absolutely furious, which I find just delightful. :)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      In this particular case, I would have looked at the coworker and said, “No, this is a regular size keyboard.” I would have been sure to have a puzzled look on my face.

      Some folks (sometimes) do not realize how silly they sound, they are so focused on trying to figure out something/anything to say to another person.

      For years I worried about what others thought. Well, it was what I had been shown to do in life and that is why I did it. But when I got into my 30s or so large pieces of my give-a-damn started breaking off and falling away. I do care if I have inadvertently hurt someone, I do care about trying to include everyone who wants to be included. Those things I still care about. But other things just aren’t so important any more.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        This is true. So many people are so desperate to say something clever in the moment that they end up saying something insulting. I think people are uncomfortable with silence. You don’t always need to comment on everything.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Honestly, this is totally me. I’m always sticking my foot in my mouth because I’m uncomfortable with the silence, or I’m trying to be clever (I’m definitely not clever…). I’m always cursing at myself because I’ve said something idiotic when I didn’t mean to, or I just took it one sentence too far. *sigh*

    4. Pollygrammer*

      Usually those people will have completely forgotten what they said within 2 hours. They’re not judging you. People just like saying words more than not saying words, and that frequently means inane/inconsiderate words, but they hold no real significance. See also: weather.

      I would try the Yes-And response. It’s a monstrosity? Yup! I have to give it a drop of blood every three weeks, but it works great!

  106. Fabulous*

    I usually go (more) anonymous for these type of things, but I just found out I’m pregnant! I’ve got to tell someone, LOL!

  107. anon for a moment*

    When you’re in a public space that’s supposed to be quiet (a library) is there any polite way to ask someone who’s chewing really loudly to stop? Food is allowed, so I feel like it’s a just ignore it and hope it’s over quickly scenario, but it’s so obnoxious.

    1. futurelibrariannomore*

      Librarian here!

      It depends. So, most Libraries that allow food will also allow a level of ambient noise. Is this a “whisper only” Library, or are people able to have normal conversations? If it’s whisper only and it is really and truly obnoxious (as in, others are noticing/looking), tell the staff. We can ask the person to quiet down! If it is a “normal conversation level” library though, I would chalk this up to annoying ambient noise, put in some headphones, and ignore it as best you can. You could also ask staff if there is a suggestion box, and maybe ask for a food-free area to be created!

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I miss the “whisper only” library of my youth. All the libraries in my current city seem to be social libraries–the more conversations the better. I can’t hear myself think any more so I rarely go. My home town library was a Carnegie library. I even miss the building.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Unfortunately it seems like the kind of thing you just have to ignore. I would probably move to another seat if possible (huffing and rolling my eyes the whole time). From what my husband (a libratian) has told me from his experiences, there is nothing they can do.

  108. nep*

    How does this strike you?
    In line at a store this evening and I heard a man ask the cashier in front of me about newspapers.
    (We have two major metropolitan papers here. Let’s say the one he asked for is called the Times Gazette. (It’s not.))
    “Do you have any Times Gazette?”
    The cashier, a woman who looked to be around 19 or 20, looked at him, as if for more information. She hesitated and said, “Is that…Ummm…” And the man said “the newspaper.” (Not in a nasty way — he was just specifiying.)
    She didn’t know what Times Gazette meant. It’s one of two long-established major newspapers here. I’m not judging the young woman — I’m genuinely curious. Does that strike anyone as odd, or do you think that’s a fairly typical scenario? Thoughts?

    1. Merci Dee*

      I think so many people get their news online that someone who’s younger isn’t familiar with the local newspapers. Print newspapers have been struggling for years with declining sales, and have been fighting to stay relevant in the digital age. My daughter is 13; she knows that my parents buy a paper on Sunday, but wouldn’t know the name of the publication or be familiar with the different sections it contained.

      Actually, the fact that my parents buy a paper on Sunday is also a noteworthy change, as my mother absolutely insisted on a subscription for most of my life. About 6 years ago, mom decided to cancel their service because she felt the paper wasn’t reporting anything of note, or that she hadn’t already seen on the 6:00 news.

    2. Temperance*

      I wonder if she had just started working there or something like that. I doubt that she was actually unfamiliar with newspapers.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Maybe she lives a few towns over and could tell you the names of her own local papers, but not the ones publishes in your city.

      That said, I’m in my 30s and I don’t think I could tell you the names of more than two of my area’s local papers. I don’t frequent convenience stores so I don’t see them on the stands. Additionally, lots of “big” newspapers lock their sites behind paywalls so I can’t even read them online. These days you have to make an active effort and pay for a traditional bigtime newspaper.

    4. Someone else*

      Any chance people usually refer to the Times Gazette as the “TG”? Where I live we have a hyphenate local paper and people usually use the initialism. Because of that my first impulse is maybe she might’ve recognized that but not the full name? If I’m trying to be nice about it. If I’m knee-jerk reacting my response is probably something more like “Wow.” But that’s my judgmental side showing.

    6. Rainy*

      I’ve lived here three years and only know what the local paper is called because I follow several of the reporters on Twitter.

  109. HannahS*

    Seems pretty plausible. If her parents didn’t get that newspaper, she might not have known about it. Personally, I get my news from a national news source online (which has local sections), unless I’m visiting my parents–but they get a national newspaper, not a metropolitan one. At 20, I went to school in a big city with multiple metropolitan newspapers, but I didn’t really pay attention to them. I wasn’t interested in city news and politics for their own sake, and since my permanent address was at my parents’, I couldn’t even vote in the big city.

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