weekend free-for-all — February 17-18, 2018

by Alison Green on February 17, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness, by Melissa Dahl. If you didn’t win this week’s giveaway, get it for yourself. It’s awesome.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    4. Wandering Anon*

      I was hoping that was Sam! Olive and Eve seem to have many more pictures (and Eve was a cute kitten). What’s the fourth cat’s name again?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Lucy! And yeah, Eve and Olive have gotten a disproportionate share of pictures here. Sam and Lucy were already full grown when I started posting cat photos when we were fostering Olive when she was a tiny kitten, and then Eve came along as a kitten too. Kittens…

  2. Alldogsarepupppies*

    I’m thinking of going vegitarian (but not vegan). Anyone have recipes to share? Do ya’ll think its better to go cold turkey (pun very much intended) or to slowly take meat out of my diet one at a time

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      • Think ethnic cuisine–lots of Italian, Mexican, Asian, African dishes that just are vegetarian, no slab of not-meat taking the place of the expected pork chop on the plate. I never liked tofu until I had Vietnamese food.
      • Check your library for vegetarian cookbooks, especially of the “dinner in a reasonable time frame” variety. Makes it easier to sample a few approaches.
      • I think it works to move meat toward the periphery, so it’s not forbidden, just used more sparingly. Healthwise, anything that punches up the vegetable count is good. But which method of incorporating lifestyle changes ‘takes’ is very individual. (I think easiest is a complete change in environment that removes old cues and habits, but moving to a new walkable place with lots of great vegetarian food everywhere is unworkable for most of us.)

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Ex-vegetarian here. I love The Washington Post’s Sweet Potato and Chickpea Shepherd’s Pie (link in followup comment), although I always made it with regular potato because I don’t like sweet potatoes much. I also recommend looking into Indian and Chinese cuisine because they’re pretty vegetarian-friendly, although IME Chinese is a lot simpler to cook than Indian (generalization).

      I went cold turkey when I did it and didn’t really miss meat much (I’m ex because I have health issues that get more difficult to manage when I don’t eat meat). But if you really feel like you’d miss steak/chicken/fish, then you could certainly try cutting out the ones you’re less fond of and finding good veg alternatives for those before cutting out whatever your favorite is.

    3. Bluebell*

      So I have been mostly vegetarian for about 30 years now. First I gave up red meat for about three or four months, didn’t miss it, then took chicken out of my diet. Finally I gave up shellfish, but never have given up fish, even though I don’t eat it often.
      As you reduce eating animal proteins, start to make more with tofu and legumes. I make a stirfry at least once a week, enjoy lots of bean soups, do things with pasta. The advice to think ethnic is great.

      1. TardyTardis*

        But tofu is made from soy, which is a bean. My co-workers will be delighted if I take a pass! (Beano gets really expensive if you use it every day).

        I do love the idea of making meat more peripheral, though; Spanish rice uses a lot less meat than you think it does, meat is just one ingredient out of many.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      When I wanted to get rid of sugar from my diet, I did it in one shot. I would not recommend making a big change like this to anyone. It was very challenging to work full time, run a household and figure out what the heck I was going to eat at each meal. And there were physical changes with this decision, too.
      I vote for keeping it simple. This week change your breakfast plan, next week or in a couple weeks change your lunch plan and so on. Get one nailed down pretty good then move to the next. It is definitely a learning curve. I had surprises for example, I had to rearrange my whole kitchen because I needed different things and some things I no longer used at all.

    5. Clara*

      I would do it one meal at a time! If you already eat a vegetarian breakfast, great. If not, think of some awesome breakfast options (smoothies, oatmeal, pancakes, scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes…) and just don’t have any meat for breakfast. Do that until you feel comfortable, then add another meal.

    6. .*

      It’s different for everyone. I phased it out (though not deliberately): first baby animals (lamb, veal,..) then beef & pork, chicken, fish and finally shellfish, this was over 10 years ago and it took around 2 years iirc. I never set out the intention to become vegetarian, just a process I went through. But I know plenty of people who did it abruptly, they just knew it was right for them and could stick with it.

      I think it’s best to listen to your gut, it can be a big dietary adjustment. There’s not one correct path, just try things to see how you feel and remember that it is okay to take steps back or slow down if it’s overwhelming. I’ve been plant-based for a while now and I could never have done it one big step, it’s doable for some, but not for me. What helped me was meal plan and prep in the weekends, I like cooking but not during the week, I just heat up homemade food.

      Most importantly is to replace meat with legumes, nuts & seeds, tofu, etc. Don’t just cut it out of your diet, read up on some basic nutrition stuff and maybe pantry staples if you like cooking!

    7. Elyon*

      I’ve been strict vegetarian for a decade and one of the easiest ways to make quick, protein-rich meals is to buy certain frozen meat substitutes that are made of actual vegetables and not soy, so its somewhat healthy. My favorite are the Morningstar black bean burgers, they’re delicious and if you have buns and some burger fixings, maybe frozen sweet potato fries on hand you have a good meal in less than ten minutes. I’m also a fan of those fancy artisanal veggie sausages made of rice and veggies, but they can get quite expensive.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I love the crap out of those frozen veggie patties at Aldi. They look like a speckled hockey puck but they’re actually pretty tasty!

        I’m glad this question was asked–I’ve given up pork and trying to eat less meat overall, especially processed meat, but BOY is it hard to find anything that doesn’t contain it.

    8. Reba*

      Yay! I hope you like it! We gradually became vegetarian over a couple years, eventually making a rule of meat once per week (we had a favorite burger place) and after a while feeling like, eh, don’t even need that. For me and my spouse it just wasn’t that complicated to cut it out, probably because we already ate a pretty diverse diet and so there wasn’t a lot of thinking through substitutes. Also, during recent periods when we have eaten meat and fish for Reasons, neither of us ever experienced any difficulty dealing with it even though we’ve been veg for 8 years, though I know can be a thing for some people.

      The cornerstone cookbook (I also learned cooking in general from it) is Bittman’s “How to Cook Everything Vegetarian.” It will give you simple techniques and TONS of ideas. I love it because I know I can get anything from the store or farmer’s market and find something to do with it in this book.

      Currently I’m cooking a lot from Madhur Jaffrey’s Vegetarian India. She has other veg cookbooks that I’ve got on my wishlist, too. This one is fairly simple, home-cooking style food. Indian is one of the few world cuisines developed *for* vegetarians! So much to explore there.

      Agree with others that lots of Asian dishes convert nicely to veg or vegan.

      Our current challenge is reducing cholesterol–of course it’s already lower than some, since no red meat, but some members of our household do enjoy cheese. Goodbye, beautiful veg lasagnas we used to make monthly!

      1. Rocky Top*

        Seconding the recommendation for Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian. I read this cookbook and learned so much. It’s not the primary cookbook I cook out of anymore, but as a new vegetarian I leaned a whole new way of cooking. Current favorite cookbooks are Isa Does It and Smitten Kitchen Every Day, both for super tasty weeknight meals.

      2. Reba*

        Oh yeah, I want to add that for replacing savoriness in dishes, if that’s something you find you miss, good veg stock is indispensable–make your own or use Better than Boullion (in the jar). Nutritional yeast and miso paste are also pretty amazing. Miso is seriously fantastic, we love cooking with miso broth, and making dipping sauces and even gravy with it.

    9. Starley*

      Whether it’s better to go all in immediately depends on your personality and what kind of variety you already have in your cooking, I think. I went all in from omnivore to vegan, but I already cooked a lot and a wide variety of food, so I already was used to and loved cooking tofu, tempeh and other plant-based proteins. Falling Dipthong is spot on, a lot of the easiest dishes for me to make are ethnic foods where you’re not trying to replace meat in a recipe to begin with. Indian, Thai, and Japanese dishes are my favorite to make anyway, so it’s easy to do! One of my favorite weeknight meals is just stir fry with tofu. If you haven’t baked it before, give it a shot! It makes it a lot less wet and soggy than just tossing it in a stir fry. Here’s a recipe: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/241709/baked-tofu/ If you have an air fryer, though, they are perfect for tofu! I cube mine, toss it with a little flour, cornstarch and seasoning depending on the dish I’m making.

      If you happen to live near a Cafe Yumm and can buy some of their sauce, Yumm bowls are also another easy weeknight meal. You pretty much just need to make rice and do no more work beyond that than opening some cans. I usually make them with rice, black beans, avocado, tomato, and either baked tofu or textured vegetable protein flavored with taco seasoning, but the variations are endless. Here’s a link if you’re interested in that! https://www.melskitchencafe.com/yum-yum-bowls/

    10. Always Anon*

      I went adopted a whole food plant based way of eating (vegan with no processed foods) for health reasons about a year ago. Before that I eased into it with meatless Mondays and vegan Thursdays for awhile. When I finally took the plunge, I made a conscious decision to focus on all of the wonderful foods that I can eat instead of mourning the things I no longer choose to eat. Vegan or vegetarian, there’s so many wonderful choices! And I went from borderline diabetic (A1c 6.2) back to within normal range (A1c 5.4). For anyone interested, see the book “Dr. Neal Barnard’s Program for Reversing Diabetes.” Also “How Not to Die.” Google forks over knives and Google Engine 2 Rescue Diet.

    11. Snuggly muggle*

      I follow Cookie + Kate on Facebook. All of her recipes are vegetarian and everything I’ve made has been good. One of my favorite recipes from her is a lentil soup. You can find it by searching her website.

    12. Sarah G*

      I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 13 and gave it up all at once, but I wasn’t a big meat eater anyway, and I do better in general with the all-or-nothing approach with food habits. (Like when I give up added sugar, I find none is easier than some.)
      I do a lot of stir-fries, adding either tofu or tempeh for protein (I like to crumble the tofu and squeeze out some of the liquid into the sink as I crumble it, then cook it in olive oil and seasonings till it’s getting crispy, and THEN added the veggies!) I’m not vegan and eat eggs pretty often. I eat a ton of beans, sometimes fresh but often canned. Also veggies and hummus.
      I highly recommend the book MOOSEWOOD COOKS AT HOME, which is quick and easy recipes (20 min or less). The other Moosewood cookbooks are not easy recipes, so I really recommend this particular book! I’ve had it for decades, and many recipes are amongst my standbys, such as the Black eyed peas w/spinach, which is SO simple and so delicious! My mom isn’t vegetarian and always asks me to make it for her!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Seconding this recommendation; I’m regretting passing mine on to my daughter when she got her first kitchen, and should get another copy.

    13. Grandma Mazur*

      We’re trying to cut down the amount of meat we eat. Recipes I’ve found recently that we love and have added to our regular rotation:

      https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2014/may/15/how-to-make-perfect-glamorgan-sausages

      https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/12/one-pot-penne-pasta-lentils-tomato-kale-easy-recipe-thomasina-miers

      https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2013/aug/22/how-to-make-perfect-bean-burgers

      http://www.redonline.co.uk/food/recipes/hairy-bikers-spinach-nut-roast-with-wild-mushroom-gravy

      (We use the gravy recipe with other things a lot too)

    14. RestlessRenegade*

      Vegetarian here, coming up on my six year mark! I definitely agree with all the recommendations to replace meat with beans, legumes, soy, seeds, nuts, etc. For me, I unintentionally and slowly phased out meat I didn’t want to cook for myself. Then, when I made the decision, I went cold turkey. Technically I was pescatarian for the first 1.5 years. (The only thing I miss is sushi.) Good luck!

    15. Overeducated*

      Tons of good answers already…one additional tip is that I remember reading that for meat based cooking, you often plan around the protein, but for vegetarian cooking you start with the starch and build from there. I find that generally accurate.

      1. Overeducated*

        Oh sorry wanted to add – some of my favorite vegetarian recipe sources,are the Smitten Kitchen blog archive and cookbooks and the cookbooks “Jerusalem,” “Plenty,” and “Made in India.” Madhur Jaffrey’s “World Vegetarian” is a classic but it doesnt have many pictures so I find it harder to get inspired. Deborah Madison has also written a number of good vegetarian cookbooks.

      2. Socks*

        I find that when I do it that way, I wind up eating meals with like, no protein, though- I could VERY EASILY eat nothing but carbs and be 100% satisfied in the moment. Oh, god I love carbs. I love them so much. If I don’t plan my meals around how I’m going to incorporate some beans/tofu/eggs, I will forget to, and feel like crap all day until I remember to go eat some peanut butter or something.

        A lot of people struggle with vegetarian/vegan diets because they’re eating too much starch and not enough other stuff, and most people do not actually feel great on that kind of diet.

        1. Reba*

          Don’t forget that veggies themselves oftentimes contain lots of protein!

          (this is not directed at you, Socks, just your comment made me think of it)

          A pet peeve is that when certain people ask about vegetarian diets, a real common question is about “but where do you get protein”? There seems to be a myth that protein is only found in meat and, like, peanut butter. And that getting tons of protein is hugely important–most Americans on a typical ‘Western’ omni diet get twice as much protein as they need, daily. (I’m almost sure I complained about this here in another open thread before. Why are Americans so obsessed with protein?)

          A secondary myth is that of “incomplete” proteins needing to be planned to put together complete sets of amino acids in a single meal. Our bodies can handle putting together the aminos as they come, so as long as you eat with some variety you’re fine.
          Link to statement from Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics on vegetarians and protein: http://jandonline.org/article/S0002-8223(09)00700-7/fulltext#sec3.1 There is a more recent set of guidelines but it is not available full text online.

    16. Socks*

      Lifelong vegetarian here, but my boyfriend (who I live with) has sort of accidentally lost 90% of the meat in his diet since living with me, without even really noticing. I do most of the grocery shopping and cooking, and when he does cook, he rarely feels like putting in the extra effort to cook himself a whole separate meat thing that I can’t eat.

      I think my biggest thing, and this is, apparently, the opposite of most peoples’ experience, is just… don’t be afraid of imitation meat products. We eat them ALL the time, and he is not the first meat-eating boyfriend I have had who has really enjoyed Morningstar’s soy meat stuff, either. Apparently their fake chicken tastes exactly like dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets? And I made a veggie shepherd’s pie once with their fake beef crumbles, and his brother ate like half the tray without realizing anything was amiss (…we weren’t trying to trick him, he was *not supposed to be eating our food*). My dad, who has very limited mobility in his hands, uses them all the time so that he doesn’t have to brown actual ground beef (you can just dump them from the bag into a pot). They’re not a perfect simulation of actual meat, except for maybe children’s microwaveable dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, but they are definitely less weird than I think a lot of people make them out to be, especially when they’re an ingredient in a dish that has a lot of other stuff also going on (chili, pasta sauce, tacos, etc.)

      Besides that, yeah, just get out of the mindset of a traditional American (or really most European countries) diet, because it absolutely sucks at not containing meat. Mexican, Mediterranean and a lot of Asian cultures’ foods are a lot more suited to meals that remain more-or-less complete, even when you take out the meat. We eat a lot of beans (/tofu) with rice and vegetables, is what I’m saying. Go through a lot of vegetable bouillon cubes. Boyfriend has not claimed to miss anything, though he does generally get meat when we eat out, which is like once a week. If cutting down to meat once a week makes you this chill with not eating it for the 20 other meals that week, I’d totally recommend doing it that way, though.

    17. Plague of frogs*

      17 year vegetarian here. I did it gradually (the last non-veggie things I ate: Jello and turkey gravy. Not together). I know a lot of people who have done it all at once, and it rarely seems to stick.

      There are so many good suggestions here for recipes that I don’t need to add much, but I’ll add one because I’m just about to make it. If you like the flavors in sushi, you will love this:
      https://www.theroastedroot.net/wasabi-vegetable-bowls/

      Good luck!

    18. STOP! It's Panda Time*

      20 year vegan here. I went cold turkey, but it really is personality dependent. I know you’re just going vegetarian not vegan, but for what it’s worth I love all of Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s books, and Terry Hope Romero’s. They are well tested and generally use very accessible ingredients (for Americans).

    19. Betsy*

      Almost lifelong vegetarian here. My advice is just beans. Try a range of beans and find the kinds of beans you like the best. I think you can feel a bit lacking in protein sometimes as a vegetarian, especially if you eat at places that don’t really understand vegetarianism– then you’ll get served really light things like soup or just vegetables with a lot of cheese.

      However, meals that include a decent amount of legumes almost always leave me feeling full. I think the risk when trying to become vegetarian or vegan is ending up lethargic or accidentally starving yourself. You may have to try larger serving sizes too, because if you have a plate that is mostly just rice and vegies, for example, that will be generally be quite low in calories. The standard serving size example doesn’t seem to be designed with vegetarians in mind. When I try to follow something like that, I get very cranky fast, probably because I’m not getting quite enough. Some vegie meals can be very low in calories compared to meals with meat in them.

      Potatoes and sweet potatoes are also your friends.

      If you want to get creative, it might also be good to experiment with different kinds of carbs too, as meals won’t be meat+ veg anymore. They tend to be more carb focused. There are many vegetarians that just eat a lot of pasta, for example, so it can be good to mix things up and add in some rice-based meals, and some quinoa-based meals, or whatever carb of your choice.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Especially if you eat at places that don’t really understand vegetarianism.

        An example from an episode of Top Chef–they had a vegetarian (maybe vegan?) challenge, judged by an actress who had been a vegetarian for years. The winner was a guy who gave up meat for Lent every year: he was used to cooking stuff you could live on for 6 weeks rather than 1 meal, and it turned out she was looking for that–judging based on what she could eat and feel satisfied, not what was fine if she balanced out any lacks with later meals. (The starch-and-veg default eat-out option is usually okay if it’s one meal, and especially if you’re an omnivore having that, but not if it’s several in a row.)

    20. Heaven*

      I’m not vegetarian but I’ve been trying to eat less meat for money reasons (plus just eat more veg in general for health reasons) and I found it surprisingly easy to make a satisfying meat-free meal when I stopped thinking of meat as the centrepiece of the dish.

      Last night I made a Thai curry and by the time I’d got a pan full of sweet potato, red peppers and peas I didn’t really need meat. So my recommendation would definitely be curries and stir fry. And soup! I recently discovered just how delicious carrot and coriander soup is and keep meaning to make a batch myself.

      I think the key thing is making sure the meals you cook are satisfying and filling. I don’t know if it’s just a mental thing but I sometimes find vegetarian meals less filling. That’s why I love sweet potatoes so much – I find they really help with that.

    21. Miles*

      Cold turkey always worked best for me for changing diets. Basically meat is no longer considered food. But you’ll want to prepare for it first. Make sure you have recipes to replace the nutrients you’re used to getting from meats, and it might be a good idea to talk to a nutritionist as well to be extra sure. Then you take a week or so in which you stop buying meat and use up what you have left, with your “cold turkey” date set at the end of that week.

      The first week or two is also the most difficult for cravings so it might help to prepare a variety of food ahead of time for that time as well.

    22. Kiwi*

      Tinned beans are brilliant. I’ve been vegetarian 2 years and for a lot of my meals, I make a vege stew flavoured with whatever I feel like (curry, mushrooms, tomatoes, whatever) and throw in a tin of beans. Quick, easy insta-protein.

      I went from eating meat a couple of days a week to cold turkey vegetarian. I was amazed to find that within about 6 months I stopped wanting any meat at all, even stuff I used to love, like bacon. I expected to crave bacon for the rest of my life, but nope.

      My partner’s turned almost vegetarian because I do the cooking, so he only has meat when we eat out. He isn’t missing meat either.

    23. AB*

      I eat a mostly vegetarian diet with some fish added back in recently. It can be very tempting to look up lots of fancy recipes. My advice would be to plan for the fact that you might not always be able to cook. Freeze a meal or two. Buy some
      hummus, guacomole or black bean dip (or learn to make ahead) and pita. Keep the ingredients for quick wraps or quesadillas on hand. Raid your local bulk store for nuts and seeds to add extra protein to salads. Oh She Glows is my favourite site for longer recipes and Mind Over Munch is a great site for practical ideas although not strictly vegetarian.

    25. Lindsay J*

      I would go one day at a time. Start with a “no meat Monday” or similar, then build onto that.

      And I agree with going with different cuisines that are meatless, rather than just trying to substitute veggie burgers for regular burgers or whatever.

      I love meat, and I thought that a meal without any couldn’t be satisfying until I tried a south Indian vegetarian restaurant. It’s hard to describe the difference, but I guess it’s that the meals are constructed to be meatless from the start rather than having the meat subtracted out later. They’re flavorful and the textures of the meal are complete and fulfilling.

  3. On Fire*

    Advice, please. I had to cancel a haircut last week with four hours notice because I got sick. The salon did not charge me for the cancellation (I did offer) since I was sick. When I reschedule, I want to tip my stylist extra – should I tip double, or would it be better to tip the full amount of the missed cut? (Cut is $40, and I usually tip 25%.) I do not know if they were able to fill the slot at such short notice, but they do stay busy and accept walk-ins.

    1. CoffeeLover*

      Maybe this is dependent on where you live, but I would never expect to pay for cancelling a haircut appointment. It’s part of doing business for them – they can either fill the time with a last minute client or will just have the free time to do other things. Most stylist aren’t fully booked anyway. I also wouldn’t tip them extra – I mean they don’t give me a discount when they have to move my appointment. Then again I already think 25% is a really high tip (my haircuts cost around $100).

      1. I like French braids*

        I’m going to have to disagree with this. In a lot of salons the stylists pay booth rent. They are self employed. It’s totally true that a walk-in may happen, but usually not. Salons that don’t do booth rental are usually paying minimum wage or commissions. It can hurt the stylists income to have a late cancellation. Most salons don’t charge but some will, especially if you regularly cancel late. I’d double my regular tip.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          That depends. I’ve been told that in my state it’s illegal for salons to charge stylists for a booth rental. I wouldn’t want that to be a factor in OP’s decision if it’s not even allowed in her state.

      2. Triplestep*

        Heartily disagree. My stylist and her one employee are totally booked, and do not take walk-ins. They lose money when people cancel last minute if they cannot fill the slot, and they often cannot on short notice. I actually helped my stylist develop a written policy about last minute cancellations to deter repeat offenders. After three instances of cancelling last minute (fewer than 24 hours) a customer will now only be allowed to book services for the same day he or she calls the salon. And since they are typically booked, that means repeat offenders are now getting weeded out.

        That should be an indication of how these cancellations impact a self-employed person. The problem needed a “take no prisoners” approach, and she was more than happy to lose these customers.

      3. Bea*

        Hmmmm I tip $20 on a $40 service, so my side eye engages when I hear you drop that much and think 25% is a lot. They charge to cover expenses and take home meager amounts while doing extensive personal work for you.

        1. Elizabeth H.*

          I tip 25% on 40 too. I don’t think it’s super common to tip 20 on 40. I’d probably do it this time as OP is thinking about, as appreciation for their graciously not charging you for the cancel.

        2. Gaia*

          A 50% tip on a haircut is high. I don’t think it is fair to judge others for not tipping that high. 25% is very normal (around here, 20% is standard).

          My stylist charges a fair price that covers her expenses and compensates her for her time and expertise. I tip her because I appreciate her professionalism and skill but I don’t tip 50%.

        4. Teapot PM*

          Why would they only charge enough to just cover expenses? I expect businesses to charge me a fair price and and willing to pay for it. And we until very recently owned a services business and yes we priced services in order to make a profit

      4. all aboard the anon train*

        This might be area specific. The salon I use in my city is always booked. I have to schedule several months in advance, and the salon charges a fee if you cancel under 24 hours before the appointment. It’s like that for a lot of service businesses, and I expect to pay if I have to cancel at the last minute for a non-emergency.

    2. Another Lauren*

      That’s so nice of you! I just texted my stylist friend for her opinion, and she said tipping double the usual tip would be more than enough.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I would tip extra since you have a regular stylist, but not the cost of the cut. It’s not like they want you to come and spray your flu germs over all the stylists and clients–the occasional illness cancellation is a cost of doing business. Being flexible about it–so Regular Customer With a Good Reason gets a waiver, while Flighty Person Who Always Cancels gets charged–is a reasonable approach to retaining good customers.

    4. Parenthetically*

      My salon has a “cancellation list” that they call down, and they almost ALWAYS fill up the spots, even at the last minute, so it’s possible your stylist didn’t even lose the $40.

    5. Emmie*

      If you want to go above and beyond, I would tip 50% of the normal haircut cost. You don’t have to, but it’s incredibly generous. Salon salaries may look like this in my experience:
      – Commission: 40-70% of work, 10% products (there are outliers of course)
      – Booth rental: They play a flat fee per month, but make 80-100% of work sales. Some make the 10% of product sales.
      – Wages plus commission: more common at Fantastic Sams and that caliber of mass chain salons. Guaranteed about, hypothetically, $12 an hour if they don’t make the sales quota (sales, maybe service volume) that triggers full commission. Alternatively, this model could look like a flat lower wage + small work commission + small product commission no matter quota. Admittedly, I haven’t kept up on this model.
      But, I’d say 50% is more than generous.

    6. Bea*

      I think doubling would be a great gesture and they know you were truly understanding that canceling can be a burden! Nobody is ever mad at a larger than usual tip.

    7. Oxford Coma*

      I would not tip extra next time, but I get my hair done at a beauty school, where appointments are charged for product cost only so students earn their licensing hours. I also tip an insanely high percentage to begin with, because of the system structure.

      If I went to a regular salon, I would tip the amount of two appointments at the next one to make up the loss.

  4. EmilyG*

    Here is something that just happened to me, so I haven’t really had a chance to think about it, but I bet commenters here would have good ideas!

    I bought a city house last year that came with the biggest tree on the block, and a sidewalk that has been severely broken up by the tree’s roots. Sidewalks in this city are notoriously awful–the city doesn’t do much (any?) enforcement–but mine stands out among the worst on the block. I spent the fall beginning to figure out how to deal with this. I need to get the tree trimmed (first quote $600) so that the roots can be ground down without destabilizing it. Then the sidewalk replacement (first quote $1700), but the neighbor has two adjacent sidewalk squares that are also crooked, which the first-quote guy said he would do for $400 if he was out here anyway.

    I ran into the neighbor today and asked if he would be up for doing his two squares, and he basically said absolutely not, because they are moving away. Ah, I thought, I’ll ask the next folks. But he said, no, they’re going to rent out the house, but don’t want to put any money into it. He suggested that I just cut down the tree (nooooo!). He also scoffed at the $400 quote, saying in his experience concrete contractors jack up the price halfway through the job.

    I guess that last bit is a good tip for my negotiation with contractors, but what do I do now? Do I have any choice but to pay for his sidewalk myself? I want to do this because we’re right near a church full of elderly people whom I don’t want to trip, and also it’s been a nightmare to shovel snow; I have to do each square or half-square sort of individually because the edge of the shovel hits the uneven edges of the next square.

    1. Alldogsarepupppies*

      Have you talked to the city? They’d be lible if anyone did trip and get hurt since its their duty to maintain the sidewalks.

      1. EmilyG*

        In my city, I as the property owner am both responsible and liable. :( The city is not at all likely to come after me, but a personal injury lawsuit could.

        1. Free Meerkats*

          If the owner is responsible for sidewalk maintenance, and you do anything to your neighbor’s side, there’s a real risk you become liable for anything that happens on/with those areas.

          I understand the desire to make things better, but given your interaction with the neighbor, I wouldn’t spend a dime past your property line.

          1. EmilyG*

            Yeah, that sounds like a good reason not to mess with theirs. If I just did my section, that would leave a pretty dangerous sticking-up part on their side, but I guess that’s their problem and I warned them. Unless what the sidewalk guy was saying was “I can’t leave it like that” and that’s why he said they should do theirs too. Hmm.

          2. super anon*

            I assume homeowners insurance would cover any accidents on your portion of sidewalk, but if you fix the neighbours sidewalk and someone gets injured on it and sues, if you are liable would your insurance cover that? If you only fix yours and someone trips on the other terrible sidewalk, but lands on your square and gets injured, are you liable because it was your square that caused the injury, but the neighbours square that initiated the fall? Could your neighbours blame your tree for causing the sidewalk to be uneven and shift the blame on to you, making you entirely liable anyway? This became lot more complicated than it was at first glance when I started thinking about it…

            OP: I would suggest going to see a lawyer and asking them on their take on how to best move forward if you do decide to fix your neighbours sidewalk squares too. It’s generally pretty cheap to get a consult and they’ll be able to walk through all of the legal ins and outs of the problem. I’d also be tempted to contact my insurance to see what they have to say on the matter as well.

        2. FD*

          This is true in my area too. It’s a long shot given your city’s attitude, but around here, you can choose to get your own contractor or you can choose to have the city’s fix your sidewalk and pay the city. It was actually cheaper to do the latter when the building I help supervise needed to make some repairs.

          It might be worth checking if your city has such a program.

        1. TootsNYC*

          yes, but often in those cities, the government will fine you if you don’t keep it in a safe condition.

          1. EmilyG*

            In theory, my city could do this, but my impression is that it’s filed under “the least of our worries” and they don’t bother.

    2. fposte*

      If I’m understanding that it’s your tree shifting his sidewalk squares, I would bite the bullet and pay for his two squares. (I’m presuming because of the way your city works with sidewalks they won’t balk at doing work on what’s technically somebody else’s property.)

      1. EmilyG*

        I wouldn’t rule that out; I was just surprised. Their sidewalk is pretty messed-up, it has a lot of big cracks and one part, on the other side of the house, where it all crumbled and now it’s just a gap. I guess I was hoping for “Thanks to EmilyG for maintaining this tree that we all enjoy and doing the legwork to find sidewalk contractors since we need to do our sidewalk too!” But I suspect he was thinking “Why should I chip in for you to be in the top 5% of scrupulousness in a city where no one seems to care about this?” I wish there were a cheap way to get from the bottom 5% to the average, but I either replace the sidewalk or not–I don’t see a middle ground.

        1. fposte*

          My reasoning was twofold: 1) it’s cutting the Gordian knot here and 2) if it wasn’t a street tree but a backyard tree and his fence or patio that was being damaged, it might well be legally on you anyway. So just think of it as a backyard tree in front.

          1. The Mayor of B*

            Sorry, but not correct. If your tree’s roots or overhang are damaging the neighbor, he can cut back the overhang, or dig up the roots, but not YOUR responsibility. The tree is a natural object, you cannot control where it grows, so you are not responsible for how it affects the neighbor. Now, if it would fall due to you negligently allowing decay to not be treated, then yeah, you are likely responsible. I was mayor of our town, and have had to deal with these situations in small claims court.

            1. fposte*

              That’s great, but the law on that is completely dependent on jurisdiction, so what went in your town isn’t necessarily going to go elsewhere. You’re also talking about what the owner of the neighboring property is *allowed* to do, not who bears the responsibility for damage to that neighbor’s property.

              In most places, an unexpected tree fall would absolutely work the way you describe–nobody would have predicted it, trees fall, too bad, so sad. However, if a tree is already known to the owner to be a prospective hazard and/or there’s a failure of usual maintenance, that tips the balance back in a lot of places–you’re not allowed just to close your eyes to the fact that your dead tree is leaning over your neighbor’s garage. A tree that damages a neighbor’s fence can also be required to be removed at the expense of the owner in some places.

              We don’t know Emily’s jurisdiction, we don’t know the history of her tree, and neither of us are lawyers, so neither of us can say for sure. I’m just pointing out that expenses for foreseeable tree impact on a neighbor’s property can be on the owner anyway.

    3. Epsilon Delta*

      So this is the cynic in me talking, but I would worry about my squares and not try to deal with the neighbor’s. This goes for both replacement and shoveling.
      I get that you want to help the people using the sidewalk, but don’t set a precedent for paying to maintain your neighbor’s property, especially if they are going to rent it out.
      Maybe if the city gets enough complaints they will act on your neighbor’s sidewalk (or maybe not), but I think talking to them about it more than fulfills your duty.

      1. EmilyG*

        The problem is that if I get my sidewalk leveled and they don’t, then there is probably an even bigger discontinuity between mine and theirs than there is within mine right now. I’m not sure how to explain it clearly…

        I asked the sidewalk contractor if he could just grind all the edges down and he said it was too uneven for that. I *didn’t* ask where he could grind down just the neighbors’ edges because their sidewalk is messed up enough that I thought maybe they’d _want_ to do it. So that would be one thing to try.

        I’m with you on the principle, though! If the property owner is responsible for the sidewalk, then I’m only responsible for mine…

        1. Reba*

          “The problem is that if I get my sidewalk leveled and they don’t, then there is probably an even bigger discontinuity between mine and theirs than there is within mine right now.”

          But I don’t think that’s your problem, really.

          Do you have to have concrete? Maybe there are some alternatives that would be kinder to your tree, too. Permeable pavement (if allowed) would be more expensive but helps with runoff and would be less costly to repair in future.

          1. EmilyG*

            There is a city grant for permeable pavements (I’ve looked into it for my back patio) so that would be a great idea, but the fact that sidewalks aren’t mentioned as a part of that project probably means it’s not allowed. I will definitely check though! Thanks.

          2. fposte*

            Slight tangent–do you know how well permeable pavement shovels in winter? I’m looking to do driveway work, and I doubt I could go full permeable but might do some on the street end.

            1. Reba*

              No first-hand experience with this, but I think they are good for ice (because of how they drain) but a pain for shoveling and it’s recommended to blow rather than plow.

              My city is currently testing a rubbery permeable pavement around trees that is delightful to walk upon. It’s made out of recycled tires and can be shoveled. Maybe that has driveway potential?

              1. fposte*

                Huh, I’ll look into that. But plowing is essential for me, so you’ve given me good information there.

            2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

              My alley is permeable pavement. The city plows it when it snows. I don’t try to shovel down to bare pavement, just get it so I can drive easily. It is rougher than normal asphalt, but not problematically so. Sweeping dirt off it is a pain, you won’t get it all. I’m happy that it’s helping with drainage back there, and it’s behind the house so not really high traffic.

      2. Quickbeam*

        In my area I would not be allowed to fix my neighbors squares of sidewalk. I would have no legal right to contract work for them.

    4. LCL*

      If the tree has outgrown its space to the point where it is causing the sidewalk to heave, and the tree has to be heavily pruned and root pruned, it’s the wrong tree for that space. Remove the tree and replant with something smaller. And find out who it belongs to- it may be in the public right of way and actually the city’s problem to remove. You say the city doesn’t do much enforcement- they might if they were pushed. I would start by googling an arborist who works in the area and is familiar with the city codes and enforcement re trees. Find out what you are legally required to do.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s a good point–this problem is just going to come back down the line.

        However, there are municipalities that shift all the responsibility of such tree maintenance to homeowners, though; it sounds like Emily could be in one of them. (Mine goes the other way–if you plant something in the right of way that isn’t approved, the city will straight up saw it down, and no arborist will touch a city tree on private homeowner request.)

        1. the gold digger*

          Yep. My city owns and maintains the trees between the sidewalks and the street. I would love to cut ours down, as it blocks way too much light and I hate raking, but – it’s not my tree.

          I don’t know who owns the sidewalks here. I am thinking it is the property owner, as homeowners get hit with assessments for certain street and sewer repairs.

          So – I can’t cut down the tree and I probably have to pay for the sidewalk if it has to be replaced.

          1. fposte*

            I think handling of streetside trees is one of those things that seems like there should be one universal rule, but there really isn’t. (See also: whether garbage is private or municipal and whether outdoor cats are legal in your area.)

              1. fposte*

                Yup. Plenty. I live in one, and it’s not a major urban area or anything.

                If you think about it, it’s not illogical to say that pets, period, can’t just run around town here; it used to be the default to let dogs roam free, too, after all.

            2. LCL*

              We handle thousands of tree related calls in a year. As you said, this is totally locality dependent. Here, if it’s in the right of way it’s a street tree and the city is supposed to maintain it. If it’s on your property you are supposed to maintain it, even if it is hanging into the street. If it’s near high voltage power lines the power company will trim it back for safety, no matter who’s property it’s on. If it’s in the low voltage (service drop) or telecomm, it is the property owners’ responsibility. Which may be the city. Which leads to this endless cycle of customers calling us about a “dangerous tree in power lines”, we visit and find out it’s telecom and tell the customer it’s not our issue, and sometime later someone else calls and the cycle starts anew.

              My concern with OP is that what she has described sounds like a street tree. She might not technically be allowed to do what she is thinking of re pruning. She is talking about spending 2k plus for a temporary fix. Tree removal is expensive; hence my suggestion to consult with someone who knows the rules, who isn’t the government. I haven’t addressed the sidewalk part, the tree needs to get sorted first. Her local power company will have a list of approved trees for her application.

              1. fposte*

                I definitely agree she should talk to the city before doing anything; it wouldn’t hurt to check with a lawyer, too. It’s just that some areas don’t really recognize “street trees” the way you’re describing and the way my city does.

      2. EmilyG*

        This is a fair question but it makes me sad! In addition to our crappy sidewalks, our city is pretty starved of trees, and mine is the biggest on the block by a lot. It’s not the prettiest tree but it provides some greenery and shade. I did talk to an arborist who gave me a quote on trimming it (I knew that grinding the roots down could make it tippy from an experience at my parents’ house). He didn’t say anything about getting rid of it, but of course I didn’t ask. I do know that the city will give you a new tree, but there’s a waiting list so it might be a few years. Or you can buy your own replacement tree. Cutting it down and getting a new one could be *really* pricey. The names/dates etched in the current sidewalk are from over twenty years ago so I was hoping that my intended project would buy me a good amount of time.

        2. fposte*

          Ah, okay, this does sound like it’s technically a city tree, then, and just you’ve got a broke-ass city that’s trying to get homeowners to pay for stuff instead.

          1. EmilyG*

            It seems like I need to learn more about this, but I am pretty sure it’s not a city tree! The fact that they’ll replace it muddies the waters, but I think it boils down to, they have some kind of pro-greenery program through the parks department that will give you a tree out of the kindness of their hearts, but it’s really your responsibility, which is why a lot of people just buy their own instead of waiting for the program.

            There are actually a fair number of new trees in the neighborhood (as I said above, the neighborhood has experienced gentification so I think there are a lot of new homeowners wanting to spruce up)–but they are soooo tiny compared to my existing one!

            1. fposte*

              Yeah, I think it’s worth checking out exactly the terms here just to be sure. I hate losing mature trees too–I lost a street maple a couple of years ago, and the city rules have changed so I can’t even put up something that will grow to be big there.

            2. TootsNYC*

              which side of the sidewalk is it on?

              Also–if the current plan will kick the can down the road far enough, maybe you should go ahead and do it. Sure, you might have to deal with it all over again, but in how long? And how much money are you wasting w/ a stopgap solution?

      3. super anon*

        My city requires you to get permits to remove trees on your property (and the situations that allow for tree removal are really slim). A lot of citys have their bylaws online, so googling around with some keywords might help figure out where to start with bylaws, etc.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      If there are power lines or phone lines running through the branches of the tree you may be able to get the company to come prune it for free. (I am frugal so I think of these things often.)

      Alternatively check with your local (village/town/city) clerk to see if there are grants available. Here we have a sidewalk grant. It pays for the concrete that is it. But it’s better than nothing and it’s fairly simple to get approved to receive the grant. I believe we the person pays up front and the grant reimburses them.

      To prevent contractors from jacking the prices on you, get it in writing. The drawback here is that they may go a little high on their estimate because they don’t want to end up shorted. But at least you would have control over the upper end of the range.

      My next idea is a long shot. If the landowner won’t pay the 400, you might ask the church if they would be willing to go in 50/50 with you. Explain your concern as you did here and see what they say.

      I am not sure where you are, but up here it’s a pain in the butt to do a pour when the nights are cold. Night time temps should be around 45-50 degrees or so. The reason I mention this is because it might help keep your costs down if they do not have to put little “greenhouses” over the concrete to keep it warm over night.

      1. EmilyG*

        Yeah, I’m not going to do any of this right away; I was going to wait for it to be warmer. But I spotted the neighbor outside and asked, because if I got a positive answer I could have started with the tree-trimming next month maybe.

        I don’t think the church is an option, for reasons I didn’t describe in my first post. I would call my neighborhood “gentrifying” except that it is pretty much already gentrified. The neighbors and I are pretty affluent white folks and the churchmembers are mostly older POC who seem challenged physically and financially by keeping up their own large property (but they really try!). So under the circs, I think it would seem tone-deaf for me to hit them up for it.

        Grant, though… that could work! There is a neighborhood group that might care about this, and I could pitch it as “I’m going to take care of mine but just need a little extra.”

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      If you just want to be nice about it for the sake of the community, I’ve seen a lot of heaved sidewalk blocks ground down instead of replaced recently. Just the edge that’s sticking up is ground mostly level. Is that possible with your neighbor’s sidewalk? That way you can feel like you mitigated the hazard without paying too much for an improvement that is really your neighbor’s responsibility. I might leave it and let them worry about it later, as people have been walking your sidewalk for years like that, I would assume, and while it’s nice to want to fix it, IMO it’s not that dangerous.

      1. EmilyG*

        Yes, I think this may be possible and a very good solution. I originally asked the contractor if *my* edges could be ground down instead of replacing the sidewalk and he said no, it was too extreme. But I didn’t ask whether the neighbors’ part (which is a bit further away from the tree and so not raised as much) could be ground down.

        1. Mary Connell*

          My in laws live in a neighborhood with mature street trees. The city grinds the edges of the heaved sidewalks, even the ones that are heaved a lot. Some concrete guys also have a technique to raise or lower individual concrete squares.

          Related note: one of the most useful pieces of advice someone gave my husband and me when we became homeowners was how to find good contractors. Call around to businesses you trust (flooring, plumbing, whatever) and ask them for recommendations. It hasn’t failed us yet.

        1. EmilyG*

          Yeah, I was definitely thinking that too. :( On the other hand… they’ve been fine for the past year or so (their property is kept up pretty well, probably better than mine so far because I just bought it and it’s needed work that I can’t afford to do all at once). So rather than taking him literally, I hope he meant something more like “I don’t want to pay for needless [in his view] beautification projects.” Fingers crossed, anyway…

    8. Elizabeth H.*

      I guess this is an unpopular idea but maybe just don’t do anything? Is there a sidewalk on the other side of the street people can use instead? Can you put up permanent reflector disc things on the tree or your fence to indicate that it’s an area for cautious walking? Put up a hand railing there? Put down boards that make a mini boardwalk over the uneven part of the paving squares? That seems so much easier than this Gordian knot tree root/tree pruning/sidewalk/neighbor/neighbor’s sidewalk/power company/city problem.

      1. LCL*

        It’s usually easy to figure out who’s responsible, though. Don’t ask the city first, you don’t want any enforcement attention until you know the law.

      2. EmilyG*

        I don’t think this would work well where I live, a city where walking is the primary mode of getting around. I’m a Vision Zero/pedestrian advocate so letting it slide wouldn’t fit in with my values, even that remains the default for lots of people around here. (In fact, we’ve been advocating for a new law that requires construction sites to create pedestrian walkways in the street rather than just blocking the sidewalk, so crossing the street is very definitely an unacceptable solution to me and my friends!)

    9. Florida*

      Call the city and see if they will replace it. Don’t just call the sidewalk dept – call your city commissioner. If you send your commissioner an email, they will forward that email to the sidewalk department. That had more clout than you emailing the sidewalk department.
      Often, cities don’t know which sidewalks have problems until someone complains.

    10. LBG*

      Is the tree in the strip between the curb and the sidewalk? In my city, those trees are the responsibility of the city, not the homeowner. We have a city arborist that we can call when there is an issue. This also means they decide when the whole tree has to go, or if it just needs a trim.

      1. EmilyG*

        It is a narrow old street where there is no strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street (actually, come to think of it, there are hardly any of those in the central part of this city at all). The sidewalk is two “squares” wide and at various points there is a missing square for a tree. The smaller trees have one square and mine is two squares along the street and about 1.25 squares wide.

        Strange as it sounds that I own the sidewalk and the tree, it’s a pretty well known weird thing about our city. The city does take an interest in the trees, which is why the arborist I called about trimming it was chosen from the list of city-approved licensed arborists.

        One thing that has come to my mind since the start of this discussion is that the tree, in addition to being right next to the sidewalk and street, can’t be more than 6 feet away from my house/basement/foundation. I don’t see any evidence of it coming in the basement but maybe I should ask more questions about that before going to great lengths to save it!

  5. Cat Curiosity*

    I’ve read (on the internet, so veracity questionable) that male housecats are more affectionate/mild-mannered than female.

    My own experience is limited to six males who were each the epitome of effusive, snuggly love and one female who was a complete asshole. So far, theory = plausible.

    Does anyone have any anecdata or a better sample size to confirm/refute the “male cat = love” assertion?

    Sub-question: I’m a woman – any thoughts as to whether pets’ and humans’ respective genders affect compatibility?

    1. Red Reader*

      My house has four cats, all female. The most asshole that any of them get is that one will sit at the bottom of the stairs and yell when she can see the bottom of the food bowl. There’s a second one that tells too, but she does it when she’s stoned around a mouth filled with catnip toys. :-P only two of them are particularly lovey – otherwise one is a big scaredyfluff and the other is just kind of neutral about most people.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      We had a male-female pair, male-female pair, female-female pair. I don’t notice any gender things other than that our two current ones have NEVER gone anywhere but the litter box.

      Male 1: Friendly, bonded to my husband.
      Female 1: Very shy, bonded to me, up until she lost her hearing and decided there was nothing to worry about anymore and became quite friendly with everyone
      Male 2: Friendly, mellow
      Female 2: Friendly and draped over your knees
      Female 3: Friendly and cuddly with everyone she encounters.
      Female 4: Cautious on first approach but warms up over time, now regularly sleeps on my knees.

    3. CoffeeLover*

      I have two cats, one girl and one boy. I also have a lot of friends with cats and talked about this with the shelter when I adopted my last cat. My own experience and the experience of everyone I’ve talked to is that female cats are generally less social both with people and with other cats. That’s not to say that you can’t have a nice female cat – I think my girl is an absolute sweetheart, she loves to cuddle, and she gets along with our male cat (now… it was rough at the start). Still, our male cat is definitely more social both with other cats and with strangers. As for your other questions… my girl cat doesn’t like women. She likes me (I’m a woman), but she has only ever befriended my male friends. I’m not sure what that’s about. Regardless, that’s only with strangers and I don’t think your gender dynamics would ever matter since you’re the owner.

      Another anecdote: One of my friends had 10+ cats (long story). I spent a lot of time at his place and there was several male cats that would come hang out with me and only one female. The rest of the female cats were not nice.

    4. Amadeo*

      Plausible, but just like people, cats are individuals. It’s just that it seems that neutered males are more often affectionate snugglebuns than the females are. I have two indoor females, the 20 year old wants nothing more, or less, than my lap and for me to stroke her until my arm falls off. The other one has chosen my dad, and she will, to a certain extent, snuggle him and demand he pet her, but she’s pretty indifferent to my mother and I.

      The outdoor boy (and the one before him) if he’s fed and contented is happy to be held for however long you can, actively offers the top of his head for smooches and kneads to the point of (your) pain when he’s happy. I’d say he’s a little more demonstrative than the girls, for sure.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        You would swear our female dog had lived a long and happy bachelor life with my husband before I came along and ruined things by moving in. Even though we had been married a couple of decades, and it was my son and I who brought her home from the shelter.

    5. Episkey*

      We have a male-female pair. The male is VERY friendly and affectionate, I actually call him my Labra-cat or Labrador in cat’s clothes as he is totally unafraid of new people and will come right up to greet anyone that comes in the door.

      Our current female is a bit more skittish and squirrelly, but she is also friendly after a little bit of time when she warms up to you. She is very bonded to my husband and is extremely affectionate with him. She is friendly with me as well, but if he’s home, she’s in his lap.

      We also had a female that passed away several years ago and she was more of a “normal” cat, but also very bonded with my husband and most affectionate with him.

      I think maybe there is something about the humans’ gender as both of our female cats have definitely bonded more with my husband and “chose” him as their person.

      1. Jules the Third*

        meh – I think it’s a feedback loop more than a gender thing, and I do mean ‘feed’. Mr. Jules3 had 4 cats when I met him, 1 mom, 2 female offspring, 1 male offspring. All four ended up affectionate when they had the chance.

        The mom owned Mr. Jules3, totally. Waited at the door for him, followed him on walks, sat on his pillow if he wasn’t around. Her oldest offspring, female, chose me, after a pretty short time. The other two just hung back, enjoying sunshine but not big into laps.

        When mom and oldest died, younger girl decided she liked my lap. Boy had died, but we had New Boy, who decided Mr. Jules3 looked pretty good. When Younger Girl died, Boy switched to me and I am totally his now. I have been feeding all cats for several years, as Mr. Jules3 is the primary feeder for our child and dog. But Mr. Jules3 was the only feeder for his cats originally.

    6. Landshark*

      I have a pair of a boy and a girl, and it seems to depend on socialization, because these two were always together from birth and are about the same level of affectionate. My Zorro is a cuddle bug, but he’s shy and a bit prickly about strangers. My Zelda is affectionate on her terms with everyone (read: please don’t pick her up, but absolutely pet her whenever she’s within arm’s reach), and especially affectionate to my husband and me.

      Your sex and the cat’s may or may not be correlated. It’s hard to tell because I’ve seen really close bonds with affectionate male cats and men and female cats and women in the past, but it is true that our two picked their favorites in the opposite sex parents–Zelda clearly adores my husband, and Zorro is a mama’s boy.

      1. NGL*

        Aww, I had a cat named Zorro growing up. She was super affectionate with me and my mom (Mom did the feeding, so I think that had a lot to do with it), indifferent to everyone else.

    7. the gold digger*

      We have two female cats, Laverne and Shirley. I call Laverne my puppy cat because all she wants to do is to be with me (she is head-butting my arm as I write this) and sit in my lap or on my book or next to me.

      Shirley is a little more reserved, but she sleeps on my feet every night and, when she is in the mood, she will climb on Primo’s shoulders, wrap herself around his neck, rub his cheek, and purr.

      I think it’s just individual cat personality. Catonality.

    8. Epsilon Delta*

      We have three cats and they fit the stereotype reasonably well.
      The male cat is very social and almost dog-like. He wants cuddles from my female friends, and is always trying to be attached to me (female).
      Female cat #1 is very affectionate with my husband but hides from everyone else.
      Female cat #2 is mean to everyone.

    9. Veronica*

      I’ve had lots of cats (all but one were females), and they have varied in temperament from “I like you quite a bit, but I also need my alone time” to “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! LET’S CUDDLE SOME MORE!” My current boy cat is sweet but a little shy. I think there is a lot of individual variation.

    10. Bad Candidate*

      I always thought that too about male cats. My last cat was male and he was very affectionate and cuddly. The cat I have now is female though and she’s even more affectionate and cuddly. So I think it’s more individual. I’ve also heard that orange males and black or tuxedo cats are the cuddliest. My boy was orange and my girl now is a tuxie. So maybe?

    11. h.cowl*

      I have a girl cat who is basically a puppy, complete with snuggling and drooling (sooooooo much drooling). She likes my husband a little more than me (I’m a woman) but she loves us both and hates when we leave.

    12. Nic*

      I’ve had male cats most of my life, and only female. Take this at what it’s worth.

      The female cat I had wanted attention every. second. of. every. day. The males have been far more relaxed, though still attention hogs. I’ve heard from vets and seen with my own that yellow tabbies tend to be the most laid back.

      A lot also has to do with how you raise them, especially if you get a kitten. The more time you spend being affectionate/playing/whatever the more time your cat will expect and want to be affectionate/play/whatever. And if you’re very hands off, your cat will be more likely to be one of the skittish standoffish ones.

    13. Ramona Flowers*

      Well I’ve only had a male cat (ex male, effectively) and he’s currently cuddled up on my legs under the duvet so…

    14. KR*

      My female cat is bossy and yells a lot but she is also sweet and loving. She has to like you though, and affection for her is usually her loafing on top of you or sitting near you quietly.

    15. DesertRose*

      I think it’s more dependent on the specific cat’s temperament than the cat’s sex.
      I am a cis woman, and I have a spayed female cat who is the Cuddle Monster from Heaven; she loves basically everybody (human! She doesn’t do well with other cats, and she positively despises dogs!) and will get into anyone’s business if I let the person into the apartment. She is particularly fond of my stepfather, but so are a lot of cats. I think his personal pheromones must be chemically similar to catnip, LOL.
      I had another spayed female cat years ago who was likewise VERY sociable and friendly, but the younger female cat was a little more standoffish.
      My parents have two cats now, a spayed female around age seven or eight and a neutered male about age five; the female is a little shy and easily startled, but she likes to be petted when she wants it; the male is very attached to my stepdad (see above about the catnip personal pheromones!) and has a wonderfully funny playful temperament but is also inclined to rough-housing (the female cat is decidedly not amused by that!).
      I think that if you’re looking to adopt a cat, the best path forward is likely to decide what traits are most important to you and what will fit best into your life. When I adopted my Carys (the Cuddle Monster), I knew I wanted an affectionate cat with a calm temperament, and I wanted a young adult cat, not a kitten. (Kittens are adorable, but I can have only one pet per my lease, and solo kittens tend to make mischief!) I didn’t really care about appearance, except that I preferred the cat’s coat length to be short or medium at most, and I didn’t really care about male or female; I was looking for a specific temperament, and I got that with bells on! :D

    16. Lily Evans*

      In my experience there’s no set division. Growing up my family started with two male cats, one was neurotic af and the other was the most mellow cat I’ve ever come across. Then we had two female cats, one was grouchy and only liked me while the other was basically dog-levels of personable. My parents now have one male and one female cat, who are both incredibly skittish and only bonded with my dad. I have a female cat who’s very affectionate toward me but refuses to bond with any roommates I’ve lived with, she’s not mean just skittish though. My last roommate had a female cat who was really chill and friendly with people but hates other cats. And my current roommates have a male cat who is an absolute menace.

      I think that the owner’s personality can affect how a pet behaves toward them more than gender, unless we’re talking about adopted pets with a history of abuse. All of my parents cats (except for the one who only liked me) have bonded more with my dad than my mom and I think it’s because he’s more laid back while she’s super anxious all the time.

    17. Starley*

      Interesting, I’ve never heard this before! Individual cats are always different so it’s hard to say from my sample size of five. Three females, two males. Of the two most affectionate I’ve owned, one was male and one was female. The two least affectionate were also one male and one female so it’s hard to say!

    18. Turtlewings*

      I’m thinking over the handful of cats my family and I have owned and come to think of it, the males have in fact been consistently more affectionate than the females, most of whom we affectionately described as “battle-axes.” Small sample size, but there you are.

      My father has always maintained that with dogs, at least, a male dog will be more protective of/attached to a female owner, and vice versa, and I have in fact observed that to be the case. As an example, my older sister had a male dog for many years who doted on her, and a female that she really struggled with in terms of obedience and attachment. Now she has another male, who had a lot of behavior problems with his previous male owner that my sister has been able to control much more easily. (In addition, this male dog grew extremely protective of his male owner’s wife while she was pregnant, much more so than the wife’s female dog did, though both showed increased protectiveness.) So there’s some more anecdata for you.

    19. Bea*

      My boy is a little psychopath and snuggles only at night! But he’s less than a year and still in need of his neutering, so once that’s done he should simmer down.

      My old tabby is a lady and she’s the most affectionate from the start, that’s how I knew she was my kittymate. She climbed up and fell asleep on my chest while visiting her birth home. She still sleeps on my chest 12lbs and 14yrs later when I visit (she’s with my parents, didn’t want to uproot her when I moved)8

    20. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Oh god, we have Snuggle Bunny in our house – 7 yr old male. In fact, he just took up his usual spot for this time of day on top of Mr. Sprechen’s keybaord/laptop while hes there.

      Usually he starts meowing to either be scratched or put outside (supervised as we are in an urban area and he can get over the wall) Tonight he will wander around looking confused until I decide to lay down and read and then its snuggle time (sits on my chest and his nose is 2 inches from mine while he looks deep in my eyes. If I am not responding then I get the paw to the face). He sleeps on my head, so this morning I woke up to Hair By Martin tousling. Essentially he is attached to either me or the Mister ALL.THE.TIME.

      His sister? She likes to watch tv and play video games on the couch, but the meowing in the morning for me to get up and feed her! She is definitely more self sustaining than her brother, but she will get up on the highest point to say hello/ask for food/complain about something to the nearest human’s face.

    21. MsChanandlerBong*

      I don’t know if there’s anything to it, but every boy I’ve had has been friendlier than the girls. The girls go off and do their own thing, and the boys cuddle with us and glue themselves to our laps/sides. We have four boys and a girl now. The girl is perfectly lovely, but nowhere near as affectionate as three of her brothers. The fourth brother loves us, but he’s not a lap cat like the others are.

    22. Elizabeth M*

      This is actually something that my parents really believe. We only ever get male cats (and dogs) for this reason. However, anecdotally I’ve found it to be more of a trend than a rule. My grandfather had a female cat who sat in his lap for twenty years but never once looked at him. My aunt had a female cat who lived in the closet and wasn’t interested in attention at all. My cousin has two female cats; one is basically a dog and loves everyone and demands attention. The other is much shyer and I don’t see her much. That being said, my current male cat is rather timid (He’s afraid of the TV. And me sneezing. And most cat toys.) and prefers women, even though he was originally supposed to be my dad’s cat.

      1. fposte*

        I also think that there’s a lot of confirmation bias involved in this–if you like pets a certain way and believe you’ve found the recipe, you keep selecting accordingly and therefore don’t encounter contradictory data.

      2. IForgetWhatNameIUsedBefore*

        “That being said, my current male cat is rather timid (He’s afraid of the TV. And me sneezing. And most cat toys.)”

        Ooohhh, he sounds like our boy, Chicken.
        He was most recently afraid of a tub of nuts from Costco.

    23. Struck by Lightning*

      I do rescue…joys of owning the first farm outside the city. My high for cats at one time with free roam was 14 (!!!). I would sat it’s a total myth. They are all individuals. In top of that, circumstances really affect how affectionate any given cat is. For example, Autumn loved loved loved snuggling and being pet but she LOATHED being restrained or picked up. The second I sat down, she hopped on my lap but when my grandma stayed with us for a few weeks, Autumn completely avoided her after the first few days because Grandma always wanted to hold her against her chest. Ditto Elvira who was described as very standoffish with her first adopter, but sleeps tucked under the chin of the second home we found her. Dagon, on the other hand, lives to be carried around (pretty sure he was a purse dog in a former life). He gets bored with you if you aren’t actively holding him and wanders off to beat up the dogs. Out of the hundreds of cats I’ve fostered, there were only a few who didn’t turn into attention hogs and all but one of those were male. I think that had more to do with their previous lives than anything though.

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        I 100% agree with you! I used to foster and volunteer with a rescue and have had several cats myself. All my fosters loved attention and being snuggled. Some didn’t much care for being held, but they were all affectionate. There were, however, two babies who came from a scary situation and would first hiss and make a big show of being scary until they were comfortable being around me. In my experience how affectionate a cat is depends on their character and how secure they feel at home. People tend to forget that cats are not dogs, and they generally want to come to the person on their own terms. The cats that I experienced being aggressive usually were aggressive when they were in, or just came out of, a stressful environment.
        That being said, I have 2 cats right now – the girl is a total snuggle bug and will sleep next to me under the blanket. She also senses when I’m upset or sick and makes sure to be even closer on those days. The male is very friendly but nowhere close as affectionate. He sleeps in the bed only when it’s very cold and he wants some additional body heat, plus maybe once or twice a year when he randomly feels snuggly. He does give kisses tho.
        I think rules about cat genders are basically confirmation bias.

    24. Kuododi*

      DH brought me a girl kitty to help with recovery after my cancer surgery. She was an absolute love muffin!!! Sadly she developed some kind of ghastly intestinal condition and we ended up having to put her down. I also adopted another girl kitty after my first one went to the rainbow bridge….she was an odd creature and was terrified of other humans but adored me. If we were alone in the house she was the Velcro kitty… otherwise she was nowhere to be found. My boy kitties were both out going and friendly… I didn’t see a connection with behavior and breed. Now I only have dogs because age and new allergies have made cats no longer a viable option.

    25. Librarygeek*

      Our boy cat is grumpy and old and only recently got affectionate enough to start sitting in laps. Our girl cat is an unruly hellion, but also SUPER LOVEY and loves napping and rubbing on the humans.

    26. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’ve known a LOT of cats, and have come to the conclusion that they’ve got every flavor of personality. Just like humans. There are cats that won’t do well with one gender or the other, and same with humans and cats, but it’s really going to come down to personality.

    27. Slartibartfast*

      In 15 years as a vet tech, I find this holds true about 75% of the time. So yes, it does seem to trend that males are more sociable, but it’s not a hard and fast rule. If you want a guaranteed in your face social cat, look for a Siamese or Abyssinian.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        It also trends that female cats bond with one special human and don’t care about the rest of the world, and males don’t care where they get their lovins as long as someone is paying attention.

        1. Cat Owner*

          This is definitely my experience with my current female Siamese and my male orange tabby. Tasha loves me and only me with everything she has and she constantly has to be on me when I’m home. Rory loves everyone else and while I’m definitely his human, he has been known to sleep with my roommates from time to time.

    28. Panda Bandit*

      I believe they’ve done studies on this and found that there is no correlation between a cat’s gender and personality, the humans are just projecting all over the place.

      Some of my anecdata: we had a lot of cats growing up and the girl cats were always the snuggly ones. Not all of the girl cats were snuggly, but the boy cats were never snuggly.

    29. Lynn*

      If the cat isn’t fixed, there are real behavioral differences in genders. If they’re fixed, especially at a young age, there are very few differences due to sex.

      But there can be behavioral differences for a number of reasons, and people try to attribute them to easy causes, and sex is one of them.For example, my male cat is a snuggly, people-pleasing, adorable, lap cat, and my female is shy, skittish, reserved, and unsocial (with people who aren’t me). But he’s a breed known for being that way, and she’s a rescue who had a very bad start in life. He’s also older, well socialized, and well-traveled, and she’s not. The differences have plenty of causes unrelated to sex, but if someone expected male cats to be friendlier, that’s how they’d take this.

    30. LBG*

      Is the tree in the strip between the curb and the sidewalk? In my city, those trees are the responsibility of the city, not the homeowner. We have a city arborist that we can call when there is an issue. This also means they decide when the whole tree has to go, or if it just needs a trim.

    31. Oxford Coma*

      I have had four females and two males, all fixed. The males were/are territorial, bullying assholes. One destroyed two rooms with territorial urination. The second, who I still have, attacks/rolls my senior female and terrorizes her to the point that she is basically a hermit living in my bedroom for her own protection. No more male pets for me, ever.

    32. fort hiss*

      Over the course of thirty years (I was born into a family with cats), I’ve lived with a pair of female and male siblings twice, and two individual male cats. In the siblings case, the female cats were friendlier than their brothers, although the second brother became much friendlier after his sister died suddenly. After that, we adopted the first individual male cat. He was a little asshole to everyone but my dad, though we all loved him dearly. My current male cat is the nicest cat I’ve met in my entire life, and that includes the female who used to sleep on my face. So my experience has been pretty balanced, I’d say.

    33. TardyTardis*

      We’ve had all girl cats since 1975 and every one was a champion snuggle-cuddler (even Susie, the Mighty Huntress. We had many deceased woodland creatures on our front step as a sign of her love, along with super cuddles when she was inside).

  6. Paquita*

    Should I buy an Instant Pot? DH does most of the cooking (and shopping). He has health issues and is not working right now. Just spent a week in the hospital. He is open to the idea but doesn’t really know what an IP is. We really need to cut back on fast food and sandwiches for dinner.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I don’t have an Instant Pot myself, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt, but they do sound tempting: an easier-to-use pressure cooker with other options, as far as I can tell. I follow the Budget Bytes food-blog, a good source of inexpensive recipes, and the blogger has praised Instant Pots to the skies (one reason I now want to buy one!). If you browse those recipes, you may get a feel for how they work, and whether it’s something that would fit your household.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I also follow Budget Bytes and I’ve made some of her IP recipes, and haven’t been disappointed. I especially like the chicken with rice recipe. Damn Delicious has also started posting IP recipes!

    2. neverjaunty*

      I hate to be one of Those People, but yes, highly recommend the IP. It lets you a lot of everyday cooking much faster, and you only have to use the one pot. Warning it isn’t perfect for everything (it isn’t going to make crispy roast chicken), but it is definitely a workhorse kitchen tool rather than a gimmick.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I love mine. My favourite thing about it is that it cooks meat from frozen, so it’s great for when you forget to take something out. It makes great lentils and beans, and I use mine for rice a lot. I make yogurt in it every couple of weeks. And you can even make cheesecake :) It’s especially great for cheap cuts of meat, like stewing beef.

      1. Kj*

        I agree! Our IP is very helpful to getting dinner on the table, fast. We use it for rice at least 2x/ week and for other things at least once or twice. Get a good cookbook for it so you have some ideas, but overall, it has been useful. Pintrest has a lot of recipes as well, though you have to sort through to find good ones.

      2. Helpful*

        Wait, you can cook from frozen?! Do you have a link? I may have to get one with this info. Game changer!

        2. Natalie*

          Right? I was vaguely interested in the instant pot but now I think I’ll actually buy one with my leftover Christmas money.

    4. amanda_cake*

      I really like mine. I don’t cook much but it makes things so much easier. I use it for rice, meat, and have ideas for other things (I haven’t had it long enough to have tried everything). I could see myself getting a smaller one for sides and using the one I have now for meat.

    5. Windchime*

      I have one and like it. My first choice is still the crock pot, but I made a *very* tasty roast in the Instant Pot a couple of weeks ago. My first roast turned out kind of gray and unappealing looking, but this last one….YUM. I also use it to make rice quite often.

    6. King Friday XIII*

      Queen Sarah and I bought ours basically as a replacement for a dying rice cooker because Amazon had them on sale and I’d heard good things, but it’s pretty amazing. It’s great for rice, of course, but we use it for lots of other stuff too. Her specialty is she’ll make from-scratch mac and cheese on a weeknight in about the time it’d take to make it from a box. I love that I can pre-sear a roast right in the IP on the saute setting and not need to wash a pan, or make mashed potatoes or applesauce in under an hour, or start with frozen meat and still have dinner on the table before the kid has to go to bed. It just makes a lot of things easier.

    7. chi type*

      I got one for Christmas and I’m liking it so far. If you do get one I recommend the pressure cooker recipes on Serious Eats.
      Pro: less cookware to wash (basically all steps can be done in the same vessel), completely hands off cooking time, rich flavor quickly, large-ish portions for leftovers
      Con: IME the pressure cooking times are longer than recipes lead you to believe (getting it up to pressure can take longer than the “cooking time”), the machine is quite large and takes up a lot of counter space
      This is not exactly “con” but you should also know that (at least with what I’ve tried so far) the dishes are of a “stew-y, meat falling off the bone” nature (some might say mushy) than crispy or carmelized.
      That’s my experience so far!

    8. Overeducated*

      I like it but it really hasn’t transformed my cooking the way I hoped it would. I eat mostly vegetarian and I still wind up making most things on the stovetop. It probably depends on whether the kinds of foods you like to cook and eat are the kinda of foods the IP does well.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      I got one for Christmas and I am “meh”.
      Things I really love it for:
      – cooking dried beans in about 30 mins without pre-soaking
      -cooking chicken thighs from frozen in 30 mins (though my husband did not care for the texture)
      – steaming veggies oraking rice without taking up a burner on the stove
      – making soup without having to worry about stirring it or having to constantly keep one eye on the stove- it’s the same set it and forget it mentality as the slow cooker
      – unlike the slow cooker, being able to sautéed in it.

      Things that make it “meh” and not the miracle appliance:
      – it is not necessarily faster than stovetop. It can take a while to come to pressure and then to release pressure- so the 7 minute soup recipe that I made, really took 45 mins.
      – steaming veggies definitely had a learning curve- I was following all the directions/ manuals and steaming for 3 mins and things always came out inedibly mushy. I now steam things for zero minutes and they come out ok. But a lot of food was wasted before I figured it out.
      – not crazy about the rice texture- better on stovetop.
      – there is a lack of variety in things you make- it is mostly soups and braises- nothing crunchy.
      – it takes up a lot of real estate in my counter.

      I think it all depends what you are hoping to achieve – if it is just a wider variety of healthy meals, I feel like you would be better served by broadening your cooking rep: quesadillas, roast salmon and veggies, stir fry, etc. if you are looking for something to help you make “set it and forget it” type meals, then you may be more likely to find uses for the Instant Pot.

    10. Nye*

      I love mine, and I’m an avid cook who was highly skeptical initially. It shines for wet foods that typically require long cooking times in or on the stove. Soups, stews, braises, curries, pulled pork, polenta, rice, etc. I don’t try to make it do everything, but what it does, it does well.

      Advantages over traditional cooking:
      * Can be faster, for things that would normally take hours of slow-cooking. (But, as has been pointed out already, NOT as fast as you might think because of pressure ramp-up / release times, which can add 20-30 min.)

      *Keeps moist foods succulent, and meats tender. This is a killer advantage for me. Things that can be tough or prone to drying out when cooked traditionally are better and more foolproof in an IP.

      *Minimal babysitting. This is another sweet feature, especially if you have a lot of other claims on your time and attention. Once everything’s sauteed, etc and you seal it up for pressure-cooking, you can walk away and do other things without having to constantly check that your dinner isn’t scorching / boiling over / drying out.

      In terms of recipes, I’m quite picky about my sources so I just use regular recipes (eg from NYT Cooking) and modify them for the the IP. I pick settings / times based on similar recipes in the little cookbook that comes with the IP, and that has worked really well so far.

      If you decide to get one, and I definitely recommend it, enjoy!

    11. Lindsay J*

      I got one for Christmas and I love it.

      You can basically do easy crock-pot style meals in it, but have them done in less time.

      It’s increased the amount that I cook from maybe once weekly to at least 3 times weekly. And there are tons of easy recipes for it.

      (And you can also use it as a crock-pot and use those types of recipes as well. And as a rice cooker.)

      I’m pretty busy this week, so I just brought some chicken thighs and a couple jars of canned sauces and am going to make those for dinner in it, along with some rice. And probably some rice and black beans at some point (and you can use the dried black beans and make them without presoaking, which is awesome).

      Last week I made butter chicken with rice, meat and sauce for french dip sandwiches, and a tortellini soup with it.

      I don’t really have the time or energy to cook a lot and I love it.

  7. Triple Anon*

    How do you speak out about things? Say someone in a position of power did something awful and you were the victim or the sole witness of it. What would you do to call attention to it?

    Obviously you could go to the police, but that can get complicated because of statutes of limitations and the fact, well, police departments don’t always work the way they’re supposed to. Then there’s social media, but that can be a real minefield if the person you’re accusing has a lot of supporters and no one really knows who you are. Or you could write something and try to have it published, but then you risk prospective publishers letting the accused know or otherwise taking action to prevent it from getting out. When a lot of money and/or people’s careers are at stake, there is a large incentive to cover things up, which can include taking action against the accuser. It’s a very risky sort of thing to do. But there must be some good strategies that people have used.

    1. fposte*

      I think it really depends on what the “things” are and what outcome you’re hoping for. Speaking out can vary from totally pointless to absolutely crucial, and my decision would be affected by where it would fall on the spectrum in this case.

    2. Willow*

      I would recommend contacting RAINN (if the offense was sexual) or if it wasn’t sexual, an organization that deals with whatever the nature of the offense was. If there are legal implications it wouldn’t hurt to have a talk with a lawyer to understand the options.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Thank you. Unfortunately, I have contacted numerous organizations and haven’t gotten good results. Often, they want to help, but the issues like outside of their primary focus so there isn’t much they can do. I’m hoping that things will change in that regard.

    3. CoffeeLover*

      There’s a reason so many powerful people get away with doing horrible stuff. It’s a long, hard and expensive battle to accuse someone of something and there can be pretty big repercussions for you. Let’s look at the recent metoo campaign. I think the women that came forward are really brave, but I also think a lot of them have lampooned their careers (not the actresses that have a powerful independent brand, but the average Janes that came forward). It’s not right, but it’s probably true. No one wants to hire a “trouble-maker” or be associated with past wrongdoing. I took a business law class once upon a time where we looked deeply into whistleblower protection laws and real-life cases. The stories were pretty messed up. A lot of people’s lives were ruined (the whistleblowers) and the perpetrators generally made it out okay. Sometimes the thing that was done and your feelings towards make you feel obligated to speak out. I think that’s very noble, but I also think it’s important to keep in mind that there’s a big chance things won’t go the way you hoped. In general, I believe in a more selfish approach to these things. I think it’s better to focus on moving on than getting justice mostly because I think real justice will never come.

      1. anonsy*

        I’m in this situation right now. I’m weighing whether to go forward and let more people know about a situation or not. I don’t have the clout to make it out unscathed. I’m tired of being treated like this is acceptable behavior though.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      OOOO– very, very good question.

      Be strategic in as many ways as possible. My wise friend used to say, “Look around. Will you stay safe? Remember if you die, your message dies with you. It is better to wait for a different day. And that different day ALWAYS comes around.”
      Typically a good way to protect yourself is to get other people involved. This could be accomplished by joining a citizen’s action group or getting involved in a class action suit. In both of these examples here you have others with you.
      Another thing you can do is look for that one person who will effectively advocate on your behalf. This is a person with an outstanding track record.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I got interrupted there.
        So to continue, keep people around you informed of what you are doing. Don’t let yourself walk alone.

        If you cannot find a way then the answer is “not now, maybe in a bit”. While you are waiting you can write out what you witnessed while it is fresh in your mind. Perhaps you will think of other small things you can do to put information together that will be useful later.

        Here is my story and I have to be vague. A friend went in on a situation, he naively started asking questions that One Does Not Ask. When the death threats started he fled the area. He just stayed under the radar. It was years perhaps 20 years or so? He was approached by a citizens action committee. They said they were going to court and they were going to win. They said they knew he had photos and would he give them the photos. He said yes. They had an EPIC win in court.
        Some times these things take incredible patience and incredible commitment because the time frame is very, very long. But it can be done successfully.

    5. Colette*

      I think it depends what power you have in the situation, how serious the offence was, and what position the person in power was in. Your response to seeing a stranger throwing a coffee cup out the window should be different from seeing a teacher hitting a student, or seeing your neighbour burying a body in the woods.

      I also think that you’re not obligated to make sure justice was done. If it’s a crime and you report it to the police and they do nothing, that’s not your fault. You own (or may own) the burden of reporting. After that, you’ve done what you can do.

  8. Red Reader*

    Discovered yesterday that, in Monday’s accident (that totaled my SUV), I ended up with a cracked rib. I’m leaving on Wednesday morning for a week at Disneyworld, including a registration for the princess half-marathon. :-P I wasn’t planning on running it for hardcore speed, just walk-jogging it, so my doc said to use my judgement as it’ll have been almost two weeks by then. Fingers crossed.

    The other guy was at fault for the accident completely – I was stopped at a stop light and he plowed into my tailgate going 45, didn’t even slow down – and my general research suggests that his insurance may offer a lump sum due to a bone fracture above and beyond the actual medical expenses. I don’t particularly have a desire to muck with lawyers and lawsuits, a fractured rib basically boils down to “take ibuprofen and be careful for a few weeks,” but if they’re gonna go “oh crap, here have some bonus money” for it I won’t argue, hah. But I’ve never been in an accident this major before, so I’m not sure what to expect, and my claims representative is apparently out of the office until Tuesday. Yay limbo!

    1. Life is Good*

      Sorry this happened to you. Besides the injury, the inconvenience of not having your car sucks. Do you know if the other driver’s insurance company is going to give you enough for your totaled car to replace it? I would take the extra payout not only because they might not, but also because other driver’s policy covers your injury. Feel better.

      1. Red Reader*

        It should do, and I have a gap policy as well. I already picked up the replacement car, and I work at home anyway, so it was at least only a little inconvenient to be without for a few days.

    2. neverjaunty*

      Just so you know – if you don’t have a lawyer, whatever offer they make is going to lowball you. That doesn’t mean you have to sue them. But insurance companies don’t take people seriously if they’re self-represented.

    3. Temperance*

      FWIW, lawyers will do the work for you. His insurance company undoubtedly has lawyers on their side, and they will lowball.

    4. OperaArt*

      I don’t know where you live, but in California we have up to 2 years to accept any offer for medical damages. Assuming you have some law like that…
      The other person’s insurance company will try to get you to sign/accept something right away. Don’t do it. Wait almost the entire grace period, because it can take some injuries awhile to show up.

      Soneone broadsided my car at 40 miles per hour a few years ago. I was lucky. No serious or delayed injuries. But the other driver’s insurance company nagged me every couple of months. I ignored them. :-)

      1. neverjaunty*

        This is something to run by a lawyer though – there may be statues of limitations that mean you need to claim pretty soon, and the longer you wait, the more the insurance company is going to pretend something else caused your injuries.

        True story: an acquaintance of mine was in a bad motorcycle accident that was 100% the other driver’s fault, so the insurance company made an offer. We talked him into getting a lawyer. All of a sudden there was another zero added to the end of that offer. He didn’t have to sue at all – just knowing that the person on the other end of the line was an attorney made the insurance company give him more money.

    5. Jen*

      Add my vote to the chorus for a lawyer. You don’t have to go lawyer/she happy, but you were hiT hard- enough to total an SUV! You might have issues crop up over the next few weeks beyond the rib. My mom was rear ended at a slower speed and had all kinds of residual back and neck issues that resulted in missed work, PT above what her own insurance would cover, etc. she ended up settling for something like $25k which sounded like a lot, until she told me it basically covered her costs with like $4k pain and suffering.

    6. Chriama*

      Always get a lawyer for stuff like this. It’s basically bonus money. Their pay will come out of your settlement and you’ll still come out ahead of whatever offer they initially made you.

    7. Miles*

      In a serious case like this, always have a lawyer, to protect yourself from whatever bs the other parties lawyer might pull.

    8. Oxford Coma*

      My husband broke four ribs in late summer and is still suffering. Please be careful and gentle with yourself. If you’ve never done a rib before, know that you will heal in stages: you’ll start to feel better, then backslide. If you start to feel great in a few weeks, DO NOT overdo physical activity. You will regret it.

    9. Former Employee*

      You really do need an attorney.
      1. The insurance company may lowball you without one
      2. You need someone to tell you when to sign off and, more importantly, when not to sign off. (You might sign off once your car is replaced because that’s the end of that, but you wouldn’t want to sign off on your medical just because you seem to feel better.)
      3. There may be ramifications that you are unaware of that only an attorney can inform you of and you might be really sorry later if you didn’t know about something that could have worked to your benefit.

      Best of luck to you.

  9. Handy nickname*

    Hey all! I am moving out for the first time in about a month and looking for packing and moving suggestions. I have a deposit on an apartment and will be signing the lease this week. Furniture is mostly figured out, but I don’t know where to start with packing up my room and other stuff, and trying to figure out how to make a timeline for the next couple of weekends so I can get everything done. I currently work full time, and I’m moving within a half-hour from my parent’s house. Any advice welcome!

    1. EmilyG*

      I’ve moved a lot in the past ten years! Let’s see. Label everything well so you can find and prioritize things as you unpack. Make an “OPEN FIRST” box that contains your radio, coffeepot, a roll of toilet paper and paper towels, some dishtowels, underwear… whatever you need the first few days. Don’t pack books in large boxes because you won’t be able to lift them. Towards the end you’ll end up with some “ummm, other stuff” boxes but at least try to separate them by room (kitchen vs bedroom…) or it will be horribly annoying to finish unpacking. You have to leave a lot of time for the packing at the end of your timeline, because there is only so much you can pack in advance (try to do out of season clothes, books, and less frequently used kitchen supplies).

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        All of that above, especially the open first box. Our usually contains: toilet paper and kitchen roll, a plate, bowl, cup, mug and utensils for each person, kettle/coffeepot, coffee, etc. I don’t even tape it up, I fold the box top down and set the box aside and add if needed.

        For packing books – I will pack a few and then pad with stuff like underwear and socks, towels, etc. For dishes – get yourself some packing paper/bubble wrap and dont overload the box too much there either. I think the last time we moved in the US we went and got some ‘moving package’ special at the UHaul place that included bubbe wrap, boxes, tape gun (DEFINITELY have a tape gun!) etc. Or look at Box Brothers if you have one near you.

        It can seem overwhelming but essentially – just start.

      2. Lindsay J*

        Put your shower curtain in the first open box!

        Wanting to take a shower after a day of unpacking and then having to search through a ton of boxes to find it is not fun. Nor is deciding to take a shower without it and then having to deal with a ton of water on the floor.

    2. Espeon*

      Congrats!

      My No.1 packing tip is to give yourself more time to pack than you think you could possibly need, because it will both take longer than you think and be more boring than you’re expecting!

      I think EmilyG has covered the rest.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        And try to do a little bit every day! And you will need way more boxes than you anticipate because you look around and think “I don’t have that much stuff,” but yes, you do.
        Really, I would aim to be done packing a day or two before the moving date, with the exception of stuff that you can’t pack up until you leave. That way you either get a day to relax, or you have extra time to pack.

        1. TootsNYC*

          yes–and don’t pack and move; that’s terribly inefficient.

          Pack, pack, pack, pack. And then move. The moving will be so much faster if everything is packed first.

    3. Landshark*

      One piece of advice that hasn’t already been covered by the thorough comments above: if you need boxes, go to the liquor store. If they’ve got boxes they’re willing to part with, they’re meant to carry heavy bottles, so they’re quite sturdy. It makes your moving boxes look like you’re planning a wild party, but I never had any issue with boxes breaking in any moves I did with liquor boxes.

      1. Life is Good*

        Agreed on the liquor boxes thing. If you can, get some with the cardboard bottle separators, too. You can put glasses, mugs, vases in them without having to wrap separately. Also, apple boxes with the padded separators from the grocery store. Congrats on your first place of your own!

      3. K.*

        Yes! I came here to say exactly this. I have a lot of books and a lot of dishes, so I always use liquor store boxes for those. They’re sturdy and small so you can carry them, and they’re meant to hold heavy things. Odds are good that they’ll just give them to you if you ask. I’ve never been turned down when I’ve asked if liquor stores have any boxes.

      4. EmilyG*

        I got rid of my moving boxes on Craigslist. Liquor boxes are good for some things but tend to be small, so you may be able to pick up some larger moving boxes for lighter/bulkier things (like bedding) on CL.

      5. Natalie*

        If there are pet stores near you, see if you can get fish boxes. They are really durable and easy to close.

      6. Lindsay J*

        Also check the bulletin board in Starbucks if you have one nearby.

        Ours posted on there the day of the week they get their shipment in and what time to come to ask for boxes before they had broken them all down and recycled them, and other people who had moved also posted that they had boxes for sale on there.

        1. TardyTardis*

          If there is Freecycle in your area, ask for boxes (and then pass them along the same way once you’re done with them). I got a bunch of boxes on our local Freecycle to help my son move.

    4. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I always leave my clothes on the hangers and put the trash bags around them (Pinterest “hack” if you want to see visuals). In the last week before a move I pack up everything but a suitcase, as if I was going on a trip. Enough clothes & backup clothes, toiletries, makeup, hair dryer, medicines, etc. Then I have a designated laundry bag to put those in. That way I can move everything else but still have my necessities. Sure, sometimes I wish I hadn’t packed away that one thing, but it’s really just a week of “roughing it” – and most things if you absolutely need you could dig out or run and replace it cheaply if it’s something it won’t hurt to have too many of – towels, hair brush, razors, Tylenol, etc.

      1. Triplestep*

        I always did this, too, but the last time my daughter packed her hanging clothes to go back to school, she took them OFF the hangers, and just piled them into garbage bags. Same with the folded clothes. Then when she got to her apartment, she hung everything up and ironed as needed.

        I have to say it made packing the car a lot easier. We just shoved in the giant clothes bags around everything else. If you do this, though, I suggest getting colored duct tape to slap on the bags to differentiate them from trash.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          We’ve done both methods and agree about using the clothes to pack AROUND stuff – so much wasted space with just boxes otherwise!

          Colored tap suggestion is a great one – I will have to remember that.

      2. Half-Caf Latte*

        Our movers for the last move provided wardrobe boxes. A metal bar that goes across the top inside the box, just hang all the clothes inside. I’ve seen them for sale at uhaul-type stores, too.

    5. El Rug*

      Label everything. My most recent move I did color coded construction paper to denote which room it was going to. Someone stood in the front foyer with the list of what colors what to better direct where needed. It made for a much faster unload than it could’ve been. I also wrote on the paper with the contents which helped me unpack after.

      I also agree with above- have a first night box including toothbrushes, pjs, cleaning supplies, paper towels, pet stuff, etc. I put that in my car while the husband drove the moving van which helped because I got there and knew exactly where it was.

      Another idea for boxes is to ask at work. My job just recycled them anyway so I was able to grab a whole bunch.

      1. TootsNYC*

        color coded duct tape could work for this as well; wrap a strip around the upper right corner of every box, and write the room or contents on the end part of the strip.

        Ditto the “ask for boxes at work”; a friend was moving and I was able to get tons of boxes for her from my job. So, ask other friends and family to help you round up boxes as well.
        (People love the idea of moving into your first place; I bet lots of people will be glad to help you in this way.)

        (copier-paper boxes are a good size; they’re not as sturdy as they used to be, but they still work)

    6. Earthwalker*

      My guilty and overly time consuming pleasure is reading newspapers and online news blogs, which I can do for hours at a time. I am restricted to just one traditional newspaper for Lent. It was all I figured could pile on top of new years resolutions (one green leafy vegetable and one colorful fruit and 3 cups of milk per day) that are still ongoing – yay!

    7. Windchime*

      Others have mentioned my most useful tip, which is to have a box of first-day essentials. Also, set up the bed as soon as the truck is unloaded. Set it up, make it up with clean bedding, pillows, etc. That way, it’s ready for you when the first exhausting day is over. You can just take a quick shower (because you have soap and a towel in your “first-day” box!) and fall into your pre-made bed.

    8. Natalie*

      My favorite addition to the “open first” box is to pack a suitcase like you were going on a 3-5 day trip. The box is for house stuff, the suitcase lets you get dressed in the morning without stress. Plus it’s distinctive, and you probably need to move your suitcase anyway.

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      So many good suggestions already but I’ll add one – keep some basic tools handy (screwdriver, hammer, Allen wrenches, etc.) especially if you have any furniture that needs to be reassembled.

    10. Ktelzbeth*

      For my last move, I used almost exclusively small boxes from U-Haul. They kept asking if I wanted to buy bigger ones, but buying only small ones made me keep them to a weight that I could lift easily. I did end up with a couple bigger ones for things like duvets that are bulky but light. If you’re doing any or all of the carrying yourself, be sure to keep in mind how strong you are when you pack the boxes.

    11. Slartibartfast*

      Put your bed together first, having a box of essentials is brilliant, and yes keep your basic tools handy. If you have a flat screen TV, between the mattresses is a great place to put it on the truck. The local truck rental place has a spot to take/leave used moving boxes. Label them by what room the stuff is going to end up in. If you have to buy boxes and packing paper or bubble wrap, a home improvement store will have those things cheaper than the truck rental place.

    12. Stellaaaaa*

      Keep a separate box with a few towels, bedsheets, and other things that you know you’ll need right away.

    13. MeghanK*

      You may not want to spend money on decent boxes, but it is so worth it. 20 Staples file boxes and a dozen heavy duty home depot boxes made moving my books/rocks/stuff far easier, without the worries of pests or flimsy boxes. Dont pack closet clothes in anything, pull a large trash bag up around 15 or so hangared items and tie it through the hanger necks. Made setting up my walk in closet full of clothes take like 5 minutes.

      If you have time, pack a box or so a day, don’t try packing it all last minute. And donate/get rid of anything you don’t really need/want to keep. Add some drinks and snacks to that “open first” box.

      Friends will often carry boxes for the pice of a pizza and a peek at your new place.

      1. TootsNYC*

        another big advantage of buying boxes: you can get a uniform size, and they’ll stack more safely, etc.

      2. Cat Owner*

        I’m also moving and I wanted to mention that Amazon has some bankers boxes without separate pieces (SmoothMove) that I’m super in love with (no tape and super study).

    14. the.kat*

      Walk the ground/steps from where you’ll park the truck or cars and be realistic about how much help you’ll need. If it’s going to take several stairs or even just a long walk over bad sidewalk or broken ground, get more help.

      Also, prepare to have a few rough nights. Packing is hard and you might have a few days of “why did I do this?” And “I hate this place.” Don’t give up!

    15. copy run start*

      Spend more time editing your possessions than packing them.

      I don’t mean “throw everything out and embrace minimalism,” but just scrutinize what exactly you’re packing and if it really needs to come with you. Moving for me usually involves a great purge of accumulated crap that I don’t truly need or that I don’t really use anymore. Try to avoid having catch-all boxes. So many times I’ve helped friends move only to open a box they packed that is essentially random papers/broken things/clothes they don’t wear anymore/pictures of ex-ex-boyfriend, etc.

    16. Cheshire Cat*

      Lots of good suggestions that I won’t repeat. Like someone mentioned above, I’ve found that color coding boxes helps a lot. I buy those round stickers that come in 4 or 5 colors and assign one to each room, and make sure to put 3 of the sticker on each box: on the top, on one short side, and one long side. It makes it easier to find the stickers on moving day.

      Also, if you can, go over to the new place a day or so before you actually move in. Do your first walk-through then: make sure the walls & carpets are clean and undamaged. Check the doorframes, too, especially around the front door. You will probably have a few days to finish checking everything else, but if there’s a chip in the paint near the door it helps to know that it was already there.

      Also check that the kitchen & bath are clean enough for you, that the power is on, & the fridge & heat are running. If there’s an automatic ice maker, turn it on, and if not, fill up some ice trays. (Can you tell I’ve always moved in the summer?) Take over some frozen dinners for those first couple of days, & toilet paper and paper towels or sponges for the inevitable messes.

      Good luck!

      1. TootsNYC*

        again, strips of colored duct tape would stick really well (I worry that stickers will pop off)

        And an endorsement for labeling more than one end. I often wrap a strip of tape around the same corner (upper right or upper left) of both ends of every box, bcs when they’re stacked, it’s often easier to SEE the corners than the center of the flat surface of the top, side, or end.

    17. Gingerblue*

      Spring for good quality packing tape and a tape gun. In every move, there comes a point at which I’m standing in Target at 9:00 at night hyperventilating over whether to get the $5 tape or the $7 tape. I’ve always regretted going cheap. Something that says “heavy duty” or similar will spend less time trying to stick to itself as you put boxes together, and you’ll use less of it.

      Moving is exhausting, and I usually hit a point where I’m weepy and filthy and just utterly done for the night. (I’ve usually done long-distance moves, which do amplify this. A local move is probably going to be easier.) Have a plan ready: you want a way to shower, a place to sleep, something to eat, and a way to decompress. Make arranging those things your priority at the new apartment, and then unpack other stuff until you need them.

      Packing and unpacking kitchen items always takes at least three times longer than I’ve budgeted, even after moving repeatedly. You’d think I’d have a better idea of how long this takes by now! But kitchen things are my nemesis–heavy, fragile, and odd-shaped make for difficult boxing.

      If you have a decent number of fragile things, buy packing paper, and get more than you think you’ll need.

      I have moved particularly often (nine times, I think, in the last decade?) and for me, investing in large clear rubbermaid bins has been so very worth it. I use them to pack clothes, knitting stuff, sheets and towels, etc.–anything that isn’t heavy or fragile. It makes packing MUCH faster and because they’re clear, I can find stuff immediately after the move without hunting through boxes. If you think you’ll move again within a few years, it’s worth considering. (And I do wind up using a lot of them for, e.g., seasonal clothes storage when I’m not moving.)

      But seriously, “buy the good tape” is my #1 piece of advice for anyone moving.

      1. I’ll be Lucretia*

        Echoing the advice to buy a good tape gun. I think I’ve had mine for 20 years, use it all the time for moving, storage, mailing gifts.

      2. TootsNYC*

        Seconding the tape gun!

        Get the Tadpole Tape Cutter.

        I had a big tape gun, but it was annoying. It’s hard to lose, so that’s good.

    18. Queen Bee*

      Everyone’s advice here is so great and I wish I had it myself the last two times I moved about 5 years ago. I will add my 2 cents – have disposable gloves and/or a good quality hand cream on hand, rubbing alcohol and bandaids. The two times I moved were in the winter with obviously dry air all around; moving was brutal on my hands (I am a gal with pretty sensitive skin). My hands were dry and cracking and in some cases bleeding after about 3 days of packing. Took WEEKS for my hands to get back to normal. Whenever I move next time I will wear disposable gloves for packing because of how painful this experience was.

      1. Gingerblue*

        Oh, that is so smart. I’ve always moved in summer myself, and I recommend gloves then too. Uhaul sells moving gloves with grippy rubber bumps on the palms, which make it a lot easier to hold onto boxes or furniture if you’re doing your own carrying. (They’re really cheap, too, like a few dollars a pair.)

    19. Pathfinder Ryder*

      Pack bedding and pajamas in your “OPEN FIRST” box (I called mine “first night”) and make your bed before unpacking anything else. You want to be able to fall into bed whether you’re finished unpacking or not.

    20. Lcsa99*

      I wasn’t gonna post cause I think pretty much everything has been said, but I would highly suggest saving vacation time specifically to use immediately after your move if you can. It takes a ton of energy to unpack and get everything in place, and it’s a lot nicer to just get it all done, than to have to live out of boxes for weeks or months while you get settled around everything else involved in your daily life.

  10. Parenthetically*

    Folks who observe Lent! What have you given up/added? I love seeing the range of things.

    Mine: facebook and sugar. ARGH

    1. fposte*

      How did you decide on what you meant by “sugar”? Is it just “anything sweet you enjoy” or did you stick to literal added sucrose?

      (I think you may find that fruit tastes a lot sweeter to you by the end of Lent, btw; the tastebuds really can reset.)

      1. Parenthetically*

        It’s mostly targeting sweets. Like we had char siu last night, and the marinade/rub on the meat has plenty of sugar in it, but it doesn’t push my MUST HAVE SUGAR NOW buttons. But no sugar in my tea or coffee, nothing like, oh, banana bread or cinnamon toast. I’ve done Whole 30 during Lent in the past but it’s just too restrictive for this stage of my life. And yeah, the goal is a tastebud reset; since I got pregnant and worse since my son was born, I’ve had a raging sweet tooth — never did before in my life.

        1. fposte*

          That makes sense. I also think there’s a microbiome component–the day after I have cookies, I crave cookies in a way I didn’t the day before.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yeah, fruit doesn’t spike my cravings — it settles the “hm, I’d like something sweet after dinner” feeling without making me ravenous for more later. Weekends are the toughest for me when I’m not eating sugar. Saturday is our family day and we’ve been doing something low-key but treat-y like hanging out in a cafe for an hour and sharing a pastry, or wandering down to the donut shop and eating an apple fritter in the park on the walk back home, and obviously things like that are out.

        2. neverjaunty*

          I had this with my first. A nurse told me that sometimes when your body is craving one thing, your brain interprets it as another kind of food. She recommended that when I craved sweets, to try eating protein instead. It helped a lot.

    2. Chloe*

      I’m not sure if this counts, but ‘staying up past 10:30’…

      I usually need to be up by 6am and I’m always so tired by the afternoon. Really need to adjust my sleeping pattern so I get enough of it but it’s so difficult! I really need to develop some sort of bedtime ritual, preferably away from the small screen. (Can’t do the ‘no phones in the bedroom’ thing since I live in a studio apartment…)

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        I’m experimenting with an earlier bedtime. So far it’s “in bed by 10” but I don’t have to sleep then. I’d like to aim for being asleep by 10:30 eventually. I will probably be much nicer during the day. Maybe it will make it easier to wake up.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Facebook has been wearing me out something awful the last few months so it’s actually not as much of a sacrifice as it’s been in years past. Sugar, though? Oof.

        1. Grits McGee*

          I’m pretty sure that she slept on the plywood base board underneath the mattress (and her roommate got two mattresses for 40 days).

      3. Hobgoblin*

        That’s awesome! My husband is not the same religion as me and he doesn’t really observe Lent so I choose things that won’t annoy his life. I never thought of that one, though!

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      Fast food and buying shoes. A shoe store for my favourite brand opened up here last spring, and they have gotten a lot of my money in the last nine months :p

    7. DorthVader*

      Time-wasting phone games, anything that doesn’t have a turn limit and isn’t PokémonGo because that at least gets me walking around.

    8. Hobgoblin*

      Unnecessary purchases. Kind of vague since I could go super hardcore but I’m just going to try to spend $ on gas and groceries. We’ll see how it goes. I remembered to fast on every fasting day last year so I’m hoping for 2 perfect years in a row!

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        I had said I would give up cake (see post-partum sweet tooth, above). Wednesday: Ate two flapjacks and two slices of chocolate cake at a friend’s house. Have amended resolution to giving up *buying* cake. Going well so far. Have had to not leave the house though.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Man, post-partum sweet tooth is SO REAL for me! It’s incredibly strange.

          I love cake.

          I haven’t messed up yet, not really, but I did have a breath mint in the car when my husband had one, just without thinking about it. It’s the mindless consumption of and dependence on sweet things that I’m trying to address, so I’m going to try not to do it again. Gum, too.

    9. Bug Swallowers Anonymous*

      For Lent, I’m trying to stop interrupting people or finishing their sentences for them. Sometimes I get overeager or I’m trying to indicate that I empathize with someone, but I want to start being a little more comfortable with silence and taking a listening role.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Chocolate.

          Since Lent has only just started, it isn’t a problem, but I usually find there is a dip around Mothering Sunday when I feel the need for chocolate.

          1. phyllisb*

            Alcohol. Or in my case, wine. Well, I haven’t officially started yet, because we are attending a wedding tonight, and I couldn’t bear not being able to have some champagne. Starting tomorrow though, it’s bye bye till Easter. This will be my third year of doing this, and it really helps me to do this as a sacrifice. The only bad thing is, my birthday’s in March so I never get to have a Birthday toast. :(

      2. anonanon*

        This is really similar to one of the things I’m doing. I have a great deal of trouble being patient in conversations, so I’m trying to slow down, be less excitable and more gentle and warm. I’m surprised by how good it feels so far, and I think it will be easy and pleasant to keep going. It’s nice when a Lent practice/sacrifice ends up having a more general effect on your life.

    10. Elizabeth H.*

      I gave up wheat. (I have stomach problems and it’s not good for me.) The ideal is all FODMAPs which I’m mostly doing too but I wanted to have something more concrete to hold in mind. It’s probably psychosomatic but I totally feel like I feel better already, and I like doing it as part of Lent as something to take more seriously. (unfortunately I guess “my health” isn’t a concrete enough motivator bc the cause/effects are a little more amorphously connected)

    11. Overeducated*

      I don’t tend to give stuff up any more, I usually try (and fail) to add some kind of spiritual practice. This year I am doing a sort of mini course/reflection series called “Atheism for Lent” with a group at my church, thinking of how critiques of religion can change how we approach it.

      But I’m also reading this amazing psychological/anthropological study of evangelicalism that actually makes me want to try out kataphatic prayer. The book is so thoughtfully and objectively written that I think a religious person could read it as a how-to (which I find myself falling into a bit), while a nonreligious person could read it as a revelation of how religion is just a psychological trick.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I also like to add rather than give up. Thanks for this thread as you’ve reminded me that I forgot to decide on a Lent thing.

    12. Jess R.*

      I’m fasting for Lent, so I’m eating an all-vegan, all-homemade, no-sugar diet. My usual diet is vegetarian so essentially I’m giving up eggs, dairy, sugar, and eating out. My theological approach says that Sundays, as the Sabbath, are feast days, which supersedes the austerity of Lent, so I can eat whatever those days, but I don’t know if I will.

      My faith life has been ????? recently so I’m turning to some serious old world traditional practices to ground myself and get myself back into a place where I can connect to my God again, not so much for the giving things up aspect. It’s certainly an adventure.

    13. The Commoner*

      This is meant to be humorous-my best friend and I just discussed how we were giving up a “adulting” for Lent. This has been working out marvelously.

      Honestly, I’m usually so busy with life this time of year that it is a challenge to try to fit in significant lifestyle change. It’s not that I don’t think of it, but the daily tasks to add up. I suppose this year, if I give up anything, it would be crying. Crying takes so much energy. Perhaps by continuing to make myself refocusing the moment, I’ll gain some new coping with less than desirable moments.

    14. Catherine from Canada*

      My husband and I fell down laughing when I asked what we should do for Lent.
      (As background: Our daughter and her 2.5 month old infant just moved in with us because her husband is not daddying up, shall we say.) Hubs said, “Oh I don’t know, how about a corporal act of mercy, we could take someone in…”
      Maybe it was because it was early morning, pre-coffee, but it struck us as hilarious.

    15. ..Kat..*

      I am a pissed-off ex-Catholic agnostic. I practically have PTSD from childhood Lent. My mother would give up caffeine, or milk in her coffee, or something else that really stressed her out. She then took this stress out on me. As a child, I felt that if I was putting up with extra bitchyness and more physical/verbal abuse from my mother that I should not also have to give something up for Lent. Sigh. I would like to think that what my parents did to me when I was a helpless child no longer matters. But obviously, it still hurts. Why do so many people see religion as a cudgel to beat others with?

      1. Observer*

        Good question. But what your mother did to you rings another bell for me. My always used a Yiddish expression that translates to “don’t be religious at someone else’s expense”. That’s what your mother was doing. I’m not Catholic, but if I understand the idea, your mother wasn’t actually doing what she was supposed to be doing.

        It’s especially tough for kids, who generally don’t have too many options or the ability to protect themselves or remove themselves from the situation.

      2. Parenthetically*

        How terrible! Your mother definitely wins the prize for Person Who Most Missed the Point of Lent (self-sacrifice, repentance, self-examination, humility). I’m so sorry you went through that and I hope you are able to find all the peace and healing you desire.

    16. Teapot PM*

      Giving up cheese, I have a real weakness for it. Then when I didn’t have rice Friday to make rice and beans for dinner it was challenging :)

    17. Roseberries*

      Instagram and looking around clothes shops. I don’t even spend that much on clothes, but it’s the constant looking and thinking. I have enough clothes, I should wear what I have before adding more. And instagram is a time waste

      1. Parenthetically*

        I wish I could get my husband to stop looking for new clothes! He’s got tons. But guilt-tripping someone else into giving something up for Lent is probably way up there on the list of stuff not to do for Lent! ;)

    18. Miles*

      In years that I have observed Lent I usually go with the eastern /Russian tradition of giving up all animal products.

      I also recently quit added sweeteners entirely (including the *ose group, as well as the no-calory kinds, because they still affect your insulin levels, and on days I’m feeling really motivated, “natural and artificial flavors” as well) and I’ve lost over 20 lbs in under 2 months with just that change.

  11. Ariel*

    Having one of those seemingly obligatory freak-outs about being over 30 and no prospect of starting a family in the near future.

    The thing is, I don’t even /want/ to start the whole dating thing. I like the way things are at the moment – my time is my own and my space is my own. I’m quite introverted, and when it comes to socialising spending quality time with small groups (or even one on ones) with friends is more my thing than going anywhere where ‘mixing’ typically happens.

    I /don’t/ need the reassurance about how it’s okay to be on your own or learning to enjoy your own company, I’m perfectly comfortable on both fronts. I /do/ worry that I’ll be leaving it late and then suddenly regret not putting in the effort earlier.

    At the moment I have plenty of friends my age who are similarly not attached (so thankfully not too much pressure in that respect…at least not yet) but are actively looking / dating (via online apps or whatever) so it’s like …at least they’re doing something? They’re moving forwards?

    Anyway…I just feel like such an anomaly. I don’t fit in with the group who really want to settle down, but also not in the group who have decided they’d be happy to be single long-term.

    I feel like at this age I really should have a better grasp on being an adult, but even though I have a career and a mortgage etc. I don’t feel like I’ve really grown up or reached some sort of ‘maturity’ when I haven’t really had a long-term, meaningful relationship (one in which spending the rest of your life together was a possibility). Maybe that’s a wrong way to think, but it’s ingrained and I can’t change it.

    1. Buddythefox*

      I think it’s totally reasonable to be happy with your life the way it is and also want to eventually have a family. If you’ve had the same friends & routines for a while though, maybe meeting someone means that you will need to change it up … so like downloading a dating app or going out with friends instead of staying in. Not because you’re not happy with your life now, but because it’s part of working towards a longer term goal of starting a family. Basically exactly what you said about putting a little effort into that area of life. I am like you (quite introverted), so it’s not necessarily comfortable, but having good friends in the same position makes it so much easier!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The loophole here is that there is more than one aspect to adulthood. Just because we do not have ALL the aspects of adulting in our lives does not make us Less Adultlike.

      You seem like a nice person. I don’t think you would tell me or anyone, “Hey, you didn’t have kids/spouse/house/whatever so you are not an adult.” Yeah, it looks a little nasty when said out loud, right?

      Okay so it’s ingrained and you can’t change it. But you can widen your definition of what an adult looks like. One of the biggies is accepting responsibility. Adultlike responsibility is demonstrated through careers/work, holding a mortgage, relationships with family and friends, heck even car care demonstrates responsibility. Another adultlike thing is giving back to the society that shelters us. You probably donate money and things already. Perhaps you volunteer your time. Yet another adultlike thing is to take care of yourself and watch out for those who enter your path in your day or in your life. This can be anything from holding a door for the person behind to bringing groceries to a neighbor who lost their job.

      Most of us have holes in our lives where we feel we have come up short as adults. The trick is to quit starring at the hole and load up other aspects of the adult life. You know, I can’t totally quit starring at the holes in my life. So I make myself get up from the chair and go do something that challenges me or helps someone. Those holes sure do have a magnetic quality about them and all we can do is control our response to that draw.

    3. matcha123*

      I’m a few years older than you and when more wedding announcements came across facebook a few years ago, I do admit I felt something. You know you. But if you are not actively out trying to meet people, it’s going to make it that much harder for you to find someone you really want to be with. If you are fine with that, continue on.

      I know that I am picky about a lot of things and I’m not interested in dating someone just to date them. I also don’t want to use apps to meet people and I don’t have a large network in my city. (I also do not want to have kids, take care of someone else’s kids, or feel pressured to marry…which means I will have a harder time finding a guy.) If I were more active, I might find someone. Basically, if you are aware that you are playing life on “hard mode” that doesn’t make things easier, but does put them in perspective.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I like hobbit-hood’s concept of coming to age at 33. It took the pressure off turning 30 for me. :)

      3. Lissa*

        I was going to say something like this! I think so many people don’t feel like real adults and can find something in their life to confirm it. I am in a long term relationship and regularly don’t feel like an adult because I don’t have a house or much hope of buying one, and am working a job without benefits (contract worker/freelance.) I don’t know if this has always been that way but it sure does seem like most people I know and talk to about this stuff don’t feel like real grownups, and the number of memes etc. along those lines would confirm it. I don’t know if it’s because we all grew up with a certain idealized vision of what adulthood would be based on the media, ie spouse, kids, stable job and a house, and that’s not the reality for so many people these days….

      4. Overeducated*

        Haha, I found my first actual patch of gray hairs this week, I’d better be an adult now or I’ll have to skip it and pass straight to elderly!

    5. adulting is hard*

      I don’t fit in with the group who really want to settle down, but also not in the group who have decided they’d be happy to be single long-term.

      To me, that’s part of the problem. How can you decide either of those things at any age really, but in particular at 30, which I get feels old, but is also not really. I think being cognizant that you want a family and letting that guide your actions is more productive than deciding something impossible. Making a decision on being partnered for example seem to lead either to terrible unhappiness if it doesn’t happen or to accepting someone that is not right for you (which happens a lot).

      I think the thing to look at more carefully perhaps is whether your stated intentions and your actions are in sync. Are you open to getting to know new people (not in a dating sense only) or do you find excuses why you can’t hang out with anyone, including new people? are you open to seeking places inside yourself where you connect with others, or do you focus primarily on your differences? if there’s a lot of contradictions, then I’d suggest therapy as a way to clarify what you want for yourself because maybe you need a closer inspection of the adulting=family many of us grow up with to figure out what those things mean to you in the life you are building for yourself.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        I’m somewhat wary of this perspective. Sure, we all hear about women who successfully conceive at 50, but there are far more women who don’t succeed as they get older. 30 is a perfectly reasonable age for a single woman to be thinking seriously about whether she’ll be upset if her fertility declines before she’s able to have biological children. It’s also not unreasonable for a woman to want to be in a committed relationship with the person who provides the other half of her children’s DNA.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Thinking about it, maybe. But it’s way, way early to get nervous about it.

          The upside of being over 30 when you partner up/start a family is that you’re old enough to know your own mind.

          If you already know you’re looking for a life partner and want babies in the near-term, it really does not take years of dating someone to figure out if the relationship is healthy, if this is a person of good character, if you love them.

          It doesn’t take years of “settling down” before you decide whether you want children.

          Twentysomethings faff about finding themselves, and they can afford to. The advantage of being over 30 is you can skip that part, you did it already.

    6. LAI*

      I was in the same boat as you at 30. I was single, had just moved to a new town and started a new job, generally happy with my life but not giving up on ever having a family. For me, the key was being aware the kids were not essential to me – I wanted to have them, but I would be ok if that didn’t happen. I wasn’t going to force myself into the wrong relationship just to make sure I had kids before I was too old. As a woman, I feel like procreation is the only thing that is really tied to your age. Meeting a partner certainly isn’t, I know plenty of people who have met people and gotten married in their 40s, 50s, etc. At 32, I met the guy who is now my fiance, and we both agree that we’ll probably try to have kids in a year or two – but again, we’re both ok if that doesn’t happen.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Totally my story too, although I’m probably almost a decade older than LAI now. Okay with meeting someone and getting married and having kids, and okay with understanding that one or more of those things might not happen. They all did, before I hit 40 although our first child was nearly an only because of secondary infertility issues. (And that would have been okay too)

        And still, more often than not, I find myself grudgingly doing chores and other house- and life-keeping things because I keep having to remind myself no one is going to do it for me. I *am* the mom, chore-doer, and life-keeper. Not the only chore-doer, but I mean I teenager-level-resent cleaning up my own messes and parenting my own children sometimes. When my 8 year old complains “Why do I always have to ?” it’s exactly what I feel when I have to do stuff I don’t wanna. My inner voice whines about having to make dentist and doctor and car maintenance appointments. That sort of thing, I will never be “an adult” about.

    7. Thursday Next*

      It’s interesting that you’re using what you don’t have—a long-term relationship—as a benchmark of adulthood, instead of the the things you do have—a career and self-funded housing (I think this is more important than home ownership per se). Presumably these are also aspects of adulthood that are deeply ingrained, no?

      Outside of general social customs, what signifies adulthood for you personally? I used to say that for me, it was being able to get ice cream whenever I wanted. It sounds like a joke, but what I really meant was autonomy over choices as personal as what I put into my body was a mark of independence for me, which I didn’t have until I got my first job and moved out of my parents’ house.

      “First job” and “moving out” are general social markers of “adulthood”; “eating ice cream whenever I want” was my personal marker. So what are your personal markers? How do you feel when you consider those, as opposed to more conventional “milestones”?

    8. Dagnabbit*

      For what it’s worth, I’m nearing 30, have a 7 month old and in no way feel like an adult. Everyone is just sort of flailing along doing the best they can with their circumstances.

    9. Thlayli*

      Dating and family aren’t necessarily related though. You could go the sperm-donation route (assuming you have a working womb and ovary), or look into adoption. When I was about your age I set myself a date and was like “if I am single on this date I will do sperm donation”. I think it was about age 33 I set the date at, figuring I wanted to have my first baby by 35 and it could take a year to get pregnant. I found having that date set let me just forget about it and took pressure off relationships coz I knew what my plan b was.

      1. Jules the First*

        Seconding this! I’m about to be officially mid-thirties and am single (with job and mortgage) and no desire to be not single. Having hit my deadline, I’m beginning the process of becoming a parent regardless – yes it’s expensive, but much less scary than you’d think.

      2. Book Lover*

        This is what I did. Realized I was dating to find someone to be a father to my children, decided it wasn’t fair to anyone, and used a sperm donor for both of my kids. No regrets.
        The process wasn’t so expensive (fortunately no fertility issues so basic IUI) but the childcare costs are stunning. Upwards of 30K last year. Being single and childless definitely would have meant more travel and relaxation for me. So while I obviously think becoming a single parent by choice is great, thinking about the loss of sleep, quiet time, and money is a good idea too!

        1. Thlayli*

          Just out of interest why do you think dating to find a father for your children is unfair? I’ve always thought that finding someone to procreate with was the primary purpose of all mammalian courtship rituals since mammals evolved.

          1. matcha123*

            If I were to make a guess, it sounds like she was looking at men as what they could do for her (act as a sperm donor), rather than looking for a partner who shared similar life goals. If she really only wanted a kid, but not a husband and partner, then maybe it’s better for her to literally get a sperm donor.

            In the past, humans had fewer partnering options than today. Not all of us want to live in the past?

            1. Thlayli*

              It doesn’t sound like she was looking for a sperm donor though, it sounds like she wanted a man to be a father to her kids and raise them with her, which to me is a pretty important “life goal” in common. Assuming she was looking for a man who already wanted to be a father, I don’t see how that’s in any way unfair, so long as she was upfront about it.

              Im kind of confused by your “living in the past” comment. Wanting to raise a family with a romantic partner, while not as ubiquitous as it used to be, is still a major life goal for many people, I would guess even still the majority of people. It’s hardly “living in the past” to want what a huge section (probably the largest section) of society wants.

              1. Jules the First*

                I think you and Book Lover are operating off two different definitions of “father”. I think she means “I wanted someone to get me pregnant” and you’re thinking “I wanted someone to love and raise children with”.

                In my case, I would only be dating to save money on the sperm donor and split the costs of raising the offspring, which I see as dating only “for a father”, which I think is unfair. If you are only looking for a partner to procreate (ie, no expectation of a romantic relationship separate from your kids), then you should either go SPBC or you should be upfront about only wanting a co-parent. Whether he wants kids or not, most people date because they want a romantic relationship and raising kids together is a nice bonus.

                1. Thlayli*

                  This makes sense, thanks for explaining it. Obviously we can’t read book lovers mind but if she wasn’t actually looking for what I would call a father, then yes, it definitely wouldn’t be fair to get a guy to impregnate her and then deny him access to his kids and deny his kids access to their father. That would be an awful thing to do, especially if she was also considering getting money off him.

              2. matcha123*

                I’m not her, so I don’t know her thoughts, but when she wrote: “Realized I was dating to find someone to be a father to my children,” it doesn’t sound like she was looking for a romantic partner. It sounds like having kids was her main goal and she was looking for someone who also wanted kids to be a life priority…or perhaps she wanted someone who would be a father in the sense that he gave sperm and then got out of the way and left her to raise the kid as she wanted.
                Since she went the sperm donor route, I think she must have had a set vision for how she wanted to raise her kids, and while dating realized that it would take too long to find someone that matched her specific views.

                In the past, people didn’t have the luxury of having romantic partners in the way we do now. People partnered off to have kids to continue their business or to act as support in their old age. Of course there were people that liked each other before they paired up, or people that grew closer. But behaviors, features, etc. that might get you rejected as a partner today may not have been as big of a deal in the past because people didn’t have that luxury.

                I don’t want kids and I don’t romanticize marriage, so admittedly, I don’t really get the sentiment.

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      I feel similarly. I don’t think I want kids, but I’m sort of worried that if I ever do meet someone and change my mind, it might be too late to have kids easily. I’m also struggling with figuring out what the substance of my life is supposed to be without marriage and kids. Right now 90% of the content of my day-to-day life is knowledge of/conversations about other people’s relationships. Everyone wants to talk about their boyfriends, or they can’t help but bring up their boyfriends even when it’s irrelevant to the story, but they imply that I’m uncool or dragging down the mood if I talk about my complicated feelings concerning single-dom. I don’t have kids to take care of. I don’t have a partner to spend time with. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with my time, and I’m reluctant to fill it up with so much fringe stuff that a partner couldn’t easily fit into my life if I ever found a partner.

      1. Thlayli*

        If you think you might want kids in future you could freeze some eggs now, just in case. Not sure how much it costs though – probably quite expensive.

    11. LilySparrow*

      Having gotten married at 32 & going on 15 years now, I don’t think there’s any “bonus maturity” to being in a long-term partnership or marriage.

      Maturity is the ability to delay gratification for a long-term or higher priority, and choosing to value other people’s needs as much as your own.

      Marriage and childrearing certainly present you with a lot of opportunities to cultivate maturity, and big incentives to do so.

      But they don’t magically make you mature, and they aren’t the only way to practice. Not at all.

    12. Lindsay J*

      I understand the feeling.

      I’m happily coupled for now, but the idea of kids is suddenly on my horizon in a way it hasn’t been in the past.

      I know I certainly don’t want kids right now.

      A couple years ago I was pretty certain I never wanted kids.

      But I’m with someone I feel secure with now, and feel like I might be able to handle kids in a way I wasn’t in the past now that my depression and ADHD are not so debilitating. And all my friends that I grew up with have kids now.

      And, like, if I decide that I want kids later is it going to be too late? Like, already at this point, if I had kids today I would be 50 when the first one turned 18.

      But I’m not having kids today. I don’t want to have kids until I’m married. And I’m not engaged yet. I’m not even near being engaged yet. And from engagement to a wedding is about a year. And then you might not get pregnant right away. So, give it a year until I’m engaged, that makes me 33. Then another year to be married. That’s 34. The if it takes 6 months for me to get pregnant, then I’m not having a kid until I’m 35. And is that too late? And my boyfriend would be 38. And will I regret waiting so long at that point?

      And it’s crazy because I’m still not sure whether or not I even want kids. And I know, intellectually that not having kids is just as valid a choice as having kids. And that you’re just as much of an adult if you don’t have kids as if you do. But there’s like this little voice deep inside of me that’s whispering that I’m not a real adult if I don’t have kids. Or that I’m lazy and selfish for not being sure that I want to give up my current lifestyle, or being afraid of whether I would be able to cope without sleeping much at first. And I know it’s all stupid and not true, but it’s there anyway.

      Anyway, I know it might not help. But you’re just as much of an adult as everyone else, even though you haven’t had a long-term relationship yet. You would be a valid adult even if you never choose to have a long term relationship. And honestly, you are probably doing better than people who jumped into relationships early that were either bad for them because they were with bad people, or with people who were not right for them, or with people with whom they became co-dependent and now they can’t function individually.

      I was one of those people for a long time, and I made a choice when I got out of that relationship (which I basically jumped into right out of high school) to stay single for at least a year. And I think I did a lot more growing up in that timeframe than I had in years before then. It’s much more difficult to survive on one income than two. It’s a lot different knowing that you are the sole person responsible for paying your bills or feeding your dog or whatever. As a female, I found it kind of empowering to know that it was all on me to repair the garbage disposal or change my tires. As a person, it was a little scary but also empowering to figure out what the hell I was going to do when my car broke down on the side of the road in the middle of the night.

      (That’s not to say there aren’t things that you do learn in those long-term relationships – how to compromise, how to be emotionally supportive, what hills you value so much you will die on and what things you will let go, etc. But I was always better at compromising than I was at being independent.)

      You are a real adult.

      When you want to find someone you will most likely find someone. My widowed grandmother found someone at the age of 70 after her husband died. And then reconnected with a high school sweetheart at the age of 77 after the second guy she met wound up with bad dementia. There is no time limit or expiration date on love.

    13. Been there...Am there*

      Commenting a few days after this was posted, so I’m not sure anyone will see it, but I’d still like to add my perspective. I’m several years older but I’m in a similar situation. I’m content with my single life, but I would love to get married and have a family. I’m also an introvert who is perfectly happy at home 8 out of 10 weekends.

      For me the best way to approach this is to realize that there are cycles. Sometimes I genuinely feel a desire to “put myself out there.” I’ll use the dating apps, go to more events and activities where I’m likely to meet new people, etc. But then eventually it will start to feel forced and unenjoyable, so I allow myself to have a break for a while. In time I circle back to being able to have a good attitude toward dating and putting effort into meeting people.

      Even though nothing has really panned out relationship-wise for a few years, I know I’ve put effort forth, so I don’t view that time as time lost. I also haven’t made myself miserable but constantly focusing on my desire to be in a relationship. I’m comfortable with the ebb and flow.

      I hope that helps a little.

  12. Madeline*

    About to meet up with someone I’ve known through an online fandom for about 5 years (in and off). This is her first visit to her hand city I live in so we arranged a catch up…
    We don’t know much about each other outside the fandom space, so no idea what I expect. I think she’s quite a bit younger (possibly early 20s, while I’m early 30s) so I don’t know if it’d end up awkward and then we can’t rwould ally chat online anymore…

    Or I could be overthinking things…

    Anyone ever met up with people they’re met online (not counting dedicated meet-up apps or forums) who have tales to share?

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Yep. I’ve met several people through an online community I’ve been a member of since I was a teenager (early 30s now, so I’ve “known” some of these people for almost half my life). We would usually get lunch/dinner (or, depending on where we were, sometimes do a bit of sightseeing in the area), and most of the time it hasn’t been awkward at all. And the one time it has, I don’t think the person I was meeting thought it was awkward–I think she was comfortable with just kind of…standing there in silence?…even though I wasn’t really. So mostly good experiences.

    2. Rogue*

      Yup! I have, several times. Once when I was younger and got to see the person again, 20 years later (we’d kept in touch online) and another one who became pretty much an instant best friend. I’ve only got one “online only” friend I haven’t met, but when I get the chance, I totally will. A little advice, make sure your first meeting is in a public space, with lots of people, during the day. Safety is important. Be yourself and good luck!

    3. Madeline*

      There’s also a bit of a language barrier, which isn’t much of an issue online since it’s not really in real-time, but in person…not so sure…

      1. Lily Evans*

        I wouldn’t worry too much about that. In my experience, once you start talking to someone for a few minutes you just kind of get into a groove, even if you’re not understanding each other 100% perfectly.

    4. Former art student*

      I’ve met a couple people IRL that I knew through online fandom. And not just for coffee either, we went on a long multi-country trip together the first time we met in real life! And in one case we hung out and had a lovely time then eventually fell out of touch, and in the other she became one of my best friends and five years later we travel overseas to visit each other once or twice a year and talk all the time! :)

      My advice is to remember that they’re the same person as they are online, you just get to learn more about them and about how they interact with the world. It’s the same experience but with more data, and there might be an adjustment period where you think “but their voice isn’t how I expected! But they don’t look how I imagined! But we can’t talk about the same things!” But people are just people and they can surprise you, whether online or not, you just have to accept them for who they are. And there’s no shame in deciding you like someone online but not IRL, you don’t have to stop talking if you don’t get along in person!

      My advice is to schedule something to do together that you have a mutual interest in and try not to overanalyse it, and I think it’ll be fun. :)

      1. Landshark*

        It’s funny that you mention the voice thing. When I met two of our friends we game with last summer, we knew each other’s voices from voice chat, but because my husband and I sound a bit older than we are and they had maybe seen our pictures once, they thought we’d be way older than our mid-twenties. It was a nice moment to laugh about before we got on with hanging out.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        I actually disagree about them being the same person irl as they are online. A lot gets omitted online. I’ve met enough people from online spaces who were vastly different in person, sometimes in great ways and sometimes in not so great ways.

        1. Starley*

          Yeah, I have to agree. Online interaction lets you edit yourself a LOT. I’ve found most people to more or less be the same, but the dude who makes a lot of double entendres and flirty comments could barely make eye contact with me and one guy who came off as being super chill was in fact a bit of a hothead. A super outgoing, talkative person online turned out to have a really noticeable speech impediment and it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk at all until we got a couple of drinks in him. There was one guy who came off like the world’s biggest asshole online and I only met him because it was a big group thing. I honestly almost skipped going because he was so abrasive online. We had an instant connection in person, bonded super fast and when he moved to a city about three hours from mine we became really good friends. We try to meet up at least every couple of months or so and if he lived a wee bit closer we’d probably be dating (we’ve talked it over) and I’m so, so glad I met him.

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            Yeah, if anything, I find that some people tend to be a little more withdrawn or awkward in person than online, but that’s understandable.

            I once met someone in a group meeting who everyone thought was super nice because she seemed really sweet and polite and encouraging online, but she was a nightmare in person. Someone who needed constant validation about everything – like, if you didn’t tell her she looked good or like a selfie on social media she’d get very insecure. That alone I could have dealt with, but she was also very into callout culture. As in, if someone said they loved sandwiches she would say, “how dare you like sandwiches, don’t you know some people are allergic or can’t afford them? It’s rude to bring them up when not everyone can eat them, and some people might be triggered by them so discussing it makes you a bad person!”*

            *An example, obviously. I’m all for callout culture that calls out people’s bigotry and prejudices, but I really hate callout culture that shames people for wanting to talk about having a good/bad day or feeling confident in their appearance, or for something as innocuous as stating they went out to dinner or love a certain food.

            1. Starley*

              I am so on board with you on callout culture, as a vegan I’m all too familiar with the type of people who need to just shut up and let people eat their damn dinner. Berating people for their choices is not a great way to win them over!

              That girl sounds really irritating, that’s too bad. We had one guy who also seemed really friendly and kind, too, but he turned out to be one of those people who’s really into the pickup artist/negging garbage and was just atrocious to me in person. One of the other guys in the group finally told him to shut up or leave. He left, never participated in the online community again and absolutely nothing of value was lost.

              1. all aboard the anon train*

                I have a friend who loves to ask me how me dead animals taste whenever I eat seafood or meat. I finally had to tell her I’d stop going out to eat with her because I didn’t want to keep listening to a critique of my food choices. I’m not even a huge meat lover – I tend to stick to a 1 meat/fish based meal, one vegetarian, one vegan diet – but it’s really annoying.

                I find that most online communities form a hivemind and there’s always that small percentage who thinks life in the online community is how everyone outside the community should also act, and then get upset when life doesn’t work that way. I love online fandoms because they can provide great safe spaces or welcoming communities, but they can also be really toxic. It took me a long time to pinpoint the type of personalities to stay away from.

      3. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Yes, having a definite activity really helps. I’ve taken a couple of visiting online friends kayaking, and if they’re with their kids we go to the aquarium or science museum. It’s much easier and lower pressure than just meeting for coffee or lunch.

    5. Landshark*

      I met up with some gaming buddies while on vacation (I was a few cities away from their home) this past summer. One was a few years older than I am, and the other was a few years younger. The age difference didn’t matter one bit. We already knew each other well enough and had enough in common that it was easy to pick up a friendship and go. Hopefully it’s the same for you!

    6. Myrin*

      I have! In 2011 (which is… a long time ago now, now that I think about it). We were a group of six who’d known each other online for over two years and had in the meantime met up in various iterations of subgroups and then decided it would be fun to finally meet up with all of us together, living for one week with the person who lived most in the middle of all of our homes.

      It went… not well. We found out that a lot of stuff that just gets omitted by virtue of only “seeing” someone online actually made several of us really incompatible IRL. I left there feeling quite disheartened and only really still liking one of the five others. My relationship with these four actually tapered off shortly after but I’m still close to the one person I really ended up clicking with – I’d definitely call her a good and close friend! It really goes to show that in the end, internet people are also just people that you can gel well with or not, just like everybody else. I hope you’ll be having a great time with your friend!

      1. kc89*

        wow six people for a week sounds intense!

        I think that can be hard even if you start off as normal friends haha.

    7. the gold digger*

      Yes! I have met at least five blogger friends in person and they have all been as lovely in real life as they are online. With three of them, we have met more than once. Another (local) one has become a regular everyday friend. Primo and I went to his wedding. With each friend, our online friendship (now taken to facebook) has deepened.

      And I met the brilliant Jamie for coffee one night in Chicago. As you would expect, she was fabulous. I am still waiting for the chance to meet Stephanie and The Cosmic Avenger in person.

      Have fun!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Me too! :)

        Every online friend I have met in person I have enjoyed meeting, although a couple were a little awkward.

    8. Claire (Scotland)*

      All my current close friends (five of them) are people I met online through fandom first. Since then, we’ve gone on holidays, to concerts, spent weekends at each other’s places and we talk every day online. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

      One is quite a bit younger than me, but it hasn’t made any real difference – fandom gave us a lot to talk about, and once we got to know each other IRL we found plenty of other common ground.

    9. Mimmy*

      Are you looking for positive or cautionary tales? I have a couple of doozies, also with people I met through a fan board, but from what you’re describing, you’re doing things more smartly than I did. As long as you’re meeting this person in a public place and that you be yourself, you should be fine :)

    10. Ramona Flowers*

      Yes. Sometimes it’s been great and has led to 20-year friendships. A couple went horribly wrong eg the one who wanted to move into my house after I had met her twice and got her boyfriend to send guilt tripping messages when I said no.

      Oh and one time we eventually ended up getting married :D

    11. Laurin Kelly*

      I’ve been involved with a few fandoms and have traveled to meet online friends multiple times. It’s always gone great and I’ve built several of those fandom-only friendships into deeply personal ones. Some of them are much younger (20’s when I’m in my 40’s) but it’s never been a barrier in my experience.

      When I was pregnant with my daughter in 1997 I was a huge X-Files superfan. Back then there was no Youtube, Hulu or Netflix, so as a fandom we would tape episodes and trade bootleg copies through the mail. I would get shipments with plush aliens and foxes for the baby! These folks also helped me through the long and painful death of my father to lung cancer two years later. I remember chatting online and crying because he’d lost all his hair to chemo and didn’t know what to do to disguise it because he didn’t like hats. One of them had a mom who owned a motorcycle shop where they sold all kinds of cool bandannas and she sent me a box full of fun ones, which my dad loved and wore every day until he passed away.

    12. Hellanon*

      Several times, and it’s been really nice, an excellent addition to my friendships in general. In fact, I am at the airport waiting for one of them to land as we speak. We met on LiveJournal and have been really good friends for more than 10 years now. Have fun!

    13. Lily Evans*

      I’ve met two people from online fandoms! One who lives in the same city, and one who was visiting and they are both really great people! The one who lives here I’ve become pretty close friends with, I’ve even met her other friends that she’d met online who were also nice, normal people.

    14. New Bee*

      I met my husband on a blog ~9 years ago, but that’s an extreme example. :-)

      He met a gaming buddy online once–he was the traveler and there was maybe a 5-year age gap? They had a good time connecting over their shared hobby. I hope you have fun!

    15. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I met an entire group of friends this way! I met up with one guy who I met through fandom on Facebook, and we had a lovely time – and then he introduced me to all of his high school friends, and I am still in touch with all of them! Not in touch with him though.

      This is a little different of course, because we lived in the same city so a meet-up was easy, but I do think more good will come of you guys meeting up then bad.

    16. all aboard the anon train*

      I’ve had enough bad experiences with meeting up with people from fandom that I really take my time to get to know people before deciding to meet in person. I’ve made a handful of really great friends who are now more in-person friends than online friends, but my advice is to go into it cautiously optimistic, but to realize that sometimes people create a persona online that is very different to their real world persona.

      Most of my bad experiences were when I was younger and wasn’t as good at parsing out who to be friends with in fandom and ended up with people who were a bit too much for me (the people who were prone to drama or constant 24/7 callout culture or extreme neediness and were exhausting to be around).

    17. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Yes, I’ve met tons of people after getting to know them on Twitter, through blogs, or via work emails first. The first couple of times, I was surprised that they were so spot-on exactly how I’d imagined them to be, but now I just take it for granted! You can get a really good sense of a person from online interactions, and no-one’s surprised me in a major way yet – I liked all the people I expected to like, and had an OK time with a couple of people who I wasn’t sure of before meeting them. I haven’t had any bad experiences (although I have been somewhat careful as to who I agree to meet, and have had zero romantic interest in anyone – things might be different if you’re looking for a date/partner), and I now count some of these people among my closest friends. A couple of them live in my city and we hang out all the time now.

      Have fun!

    18. Starley*

      I have a bunch of times, because I dearly love a sport nobody in my life is interested in, and I travel a lot for work so if I know someone from a website dedicated to the sport I’ll see if anyone wants to catch a game with me. It’s always been fun, though sometimes varying degrees of awkward because of the nature of nerds. :) I’m a small-ish woman in my mid-20s and most of the people I’ve met have been guys, but usually they bring their wives or girlfriends, or there are other people from the site there to meet up, and we’re always in very public places so I’ve never felt unsafe. I still make sure that I have a friend to check in with by phone or text frequently and I have a GPS app installed so they can see where I am. I always tell the people I’m with I’m going to be doing this and all but one said they understood and thought that was smart, and had no problem with me keeping my phone handy and checking it frequently. The one who DID have a problem made me glad I was doing it, he made a joke-but-not-really-a-joke that I was accusing him of being a creep and was visibly annoyed whenever I sent a text. He had also said he was bringing his wife and one of her friends, but showed up alone and admitted he’d lied about being married. He’d also told me he was 26 but was probably closer to 40. After the game I said I was jet lagged and ready to call it a night (I wasn’t, he was just setting off alarm bells and I wanted to GTFO of there). He got pushy about it and tried to get me to get in his car so he could take me to a sports bar near his place, which I declined because I’m not a total idiot. Then he offered me a ride to my hotel but I said I’d walk because it was just a few blocks away. He insisted on walking me there so I let him walk me to a hotel I’d seen a couple of blocks away on the way there, ducked into a restroom and waited about ten minutes, then got a Lyft to take me to the place I was actually staying. I never talked to that dude again and blocked him on the website we’d met on. That was one bad experience out of a dozen or more, though, so I still do it and usually have a great time. One of the people I met that way lives about two hours away now and he’s one of my closest friends.

    19. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Lots of people from various music forums over the years. Mr SST actually is one of them. Many of these people I still know and hang out with – the added bonus is that they are usually folks that I probably, for one reason or another, wouldn’t have ever met in real life but they are good friends from shared mutual interests online.

      My tips would be to try and move the conversation slowly outside the fandom area you both share and try to find other common grounds of interest, or share a bit of your real life. If its awkward then its only for a few hours, but that doesn’t mean it has to go back to being awkward online. I also tend to recognize that these are relationships that are more likely to be fluid compared to those formed in a more traditional sense.

    20. King Friday XIII*

      I met Queen Sarah by criticizing her fanfic characterization. In retrospect, I was completely wrong, and also very glad she argued with me about it. ;)

      1. fposte*

        Slight digression because of your username–did you know that this year there’s going to be a Mr. Rogers stamp and a Mr. Rogers Funko Pop? I don’t know what I think of the Funko Pop yet but I’m going to load up on the stamps.

    21. Lissa*

      Yup! Not a lot, but a few times. One of my biggest annoyances is how meeting people online is *still* presented in the media – with the person being a likely serial killer or otherwise going horribly wrong seeming to be the only option, so a lot of people *freak* out if you mention it. I mean, with tinder and online dating becoming so common I think this is slowly fading away but there’s a different vibe for “I’ve known this person for ages on the Internet, now let’s meet in real life”.

      Every person I’ve met IRL or experience I’ve heard has either been good/fine, or has been bad in ways that have little to do with the online aspect. I don’t know anyone who has had a “they told me they were a 20 year old man and were actually a 50 year old woman” type of experiences where someone’s wildly different. I think those catfish scenarios have people who, if anything, keep avoiding a meetup.

    23. Rainy*

      I met my fiance on Twitter. We met after a couple of years of friendship. It, uh, obviously went really well. He’s also 11 years younger than I am.

    24. Laura H*

      MEEEEEE!!!

      I hosted my fandom buddy last June for two weeks! Was fun!!

      I had a loose itinerary- took a Saturday to play hometown tourist, a Friday we went to big city with historical attraction that even tho I’d been living nearby for 19 years hadn’t ever been to.

      And of course, we fangirled.

      I’m excited for you!!

    25. Elizabeth H.*

      I’ve met so many people in real life after being friends online! Sometimes with really intense friendships online. I had one batch from a forum I participated in super heavily when I was 14 and 15. There were some international meetups and of course, people who dated, got married, etc. I kind of fell out of that world after a while, but in my last 2 years of college I started commenting on a site where eventually we started making more personal friends with people, mostly via Twitter. I ended up dating and living with somebody I met that way! And a few other partnerships and marriages happened because of people who met via the site. I eventually phased out of that too and don’t really spend time pursuing online friendships, although I felt it was really valuable to me at the time. I found that when I was younger the initial meeting was quite awkward, especially if you’ve had a really intense one on one friendship. But as I’m an adult it’s gotten less and less so. Just kind of like meeting any friend of a friend.

    26. Librarygeek*

      Yep! I was on a trip to Bath (England) and posted on a community board to see if anyone localish wanted to meetup. Some acquaintances took me up on it and we had a nice wander around sightseeing. No deep connections made, but it was pleasant to have someone to hang out with since I did the rest of my trip alone.

      I’ve also met up with a couple of friends I’d roleplayed and written fan stuff with for a number of years – one after she moved to the Twin Cities, where I frequently visit friends. I told her I’d be in town if she wanted to meet at a bookstore. We did, had a great time chatting after brief initial awkwardness, and meet up again whenever we both go to a con up there. The other one was coincidentally in Chicago for a work thing the same weekend I was and posted online about it, whereupon I pounced and we arranged to meet after dinner at her hotel because I had a vehicle and she didn’t. We had a great talk and if I’m ever in her area, I’ll definitely be looking to meet again.

    27. Elizabeth West*

      Oh yes! I’ve met up with various people from my music chat. We tend to meet at events (film music concerts, because we’re all about soundtracks), but also it’s common to say “Hey, I’m going to be in [City]; let’s visit,” when we’re in the area where another chatter lives.

      When I first joined, way back in 2003, people there were very reluctant to share names, locations, etc. But later, when Facebook became more of a thing, and the old guard sort of faded away, the younger chatters were more likely to connect outside the chat room.

      I have friends from all over the world in there–most are European–and also all parts of the U.S. Two friends from the Netherlands and Poland who often travel together visited during the eclipse, and we invited them to my mum’s to see totality. We had a lovely visit. I’m really bummed right now that there is a huge gathering planned in Chicago in April and I cannot go. It’s for a John Williams concert and tickets/lodging, etc., are completely out of my reach. :'( I’ve already seen JW twice in L.A., but it’s the social thing that I’m upset about missing. And every year, there is a gathering at the Film Music Festival in Krakow–I’ve been trying to get there for AGES. Grr!

      So far, I’ve not regretted meeting up with fellow online peeps, except for the one time I dated someone from the chat and it did not go well. Never again. We’ve had a couple of marriages come out of it, but I was not one of those! We’ve had loads of fun, however. Last time we went to a concert, before the eclipse, was in London so there was plenty to do.

      You’ll have your fandom to talk about, if nothing else. If you’ve arranged lunch or something with a definite end time, then if it turns out to be mega awkward, then you can escape. Or if you connect, you can hang out more. :)

  13. Emily*

    I have a dilemma: I have too many fun things going on in my life (terrible, I know!) and am wondering how to decide when/if I should drop or scale back on one of them (probably pottery – it’s the newest and most expensive).

    I’ve been taking pottery classes for four or five months and I really like it! I’ve improved a lot from where I started, have made some nice mugs and bowls, and still have things I want to make and design choices I want to try. But between pottery and all of the other things I do (ultimate frisbee, indoor bouldering, community orchestra), I have very few free evenings. If I want to do things like cook or catch up with friends, I have to do them on specific nights at specific times.

    Idk…a few weeks ago, I was thinking I should take a break, but now that my class is almost over, I think I might want to sign up for the next eight-week session. I feel very fickle and don’t know if I should listen to the me of a few weeks ago (who was rightly thinking that she was a little over-scheduled) or the me of now (who gets a lot of enjoyment out of pottery and wants to continue doing it).

    Alternatively, if you are a very busy person, any strategies for keeping up with basic needs (food, cleaning, laundry, etc.) and non-scheduled fun activities (reading, time with friends, television, etc.)?

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      It seems like you’re really enjoying pottery, so I’m not sure I would quit it cold turkey. Can you work on refining what you learned in this session and maybe even finding somewhere to practice for a bit and then sign up for the session after this next one? Basically just skipping a session to regroup. That way you have a little break but don’t need to give it up all together.

    2. Bigglesworth*

      Why don’t you take a break for this one class and see how you feel after that? It’s only two months, so not that long at all. :) After taming one break you may never want to take a break again and that’s ok! But you’ll never know unless you do it at least once. :)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Well, if I gave it some thought and still came up with no answer, then I think I would be strategic about it. Which activity bolsters up my shorter term goals, which activity supports my longer term goals? It could be that I decide I do not see myself doing X in 5 or 10 years from now, this maybe a clue to my answer in current time.

    4. friends*

      I have something most evenings. It makes it hard to plan things with others but I find that it’s not as if on those days I am doing nothing, I am with others so I try to build a satisfying life that I can sustain on my own. Also, I meet people over the weekend. I don’t have a lot of friends and most of my friends are partnered (I’m not) so depending on your situation maybe that is different.

    5. LCL*

      I do my fun activities in cycles. When music gets too much I drop guitar class. Fitness class comes and goes. Skiing is seasonal. I have to drop things from time to time. For you, it sounds like you really still want to do the pottery class, so do it again and drop something else. You can always come back.

      If you are so busy with fun you are over scheduled, do your chores at weird times. Laundry will always wait for you.

      Disclaimer-OP said nothing about responsiblities for other humans or animals, so I’m assuming that isn’t an issue.

    6. Victoria, Please*

      That sounds like a good problem to have. :-)

      I really appreciated Laura Vanderkam’s “168 Hours: You have more time than you think.” It may give you a way to think about your choices.

    7. HannahS*

      One thing I’ve done is just to remind myself that I don’t need to engage with all of my interests all of the time; I’m trying to remind myself that life is long, and I’ll have time for many things. As a somewhat anxious person, “life is short, seize the day” is not the right message for me, so I’m deliberately going in the opposite direction. For example, I’ve been knitting, but I haven’t had time to sew for, oh, at least half a year. Probably more. I still haven’t made a sewing blog. I haven’t been in a choir or practiced singing much for close to three years. Right now, I’m trying to move away from the time-wasting part of the internet and towards sewing–just mending and alterations so far, not full garments–and even though I know I don’t have time for blogging, I got Instagram to motivate myself to just learn a bit about basic picture-taking. Baby steps. But my sewing machine didn’t run away when I wasn’t using it, you know? I didn’t forget how to mend a sweater, or alter a pair of jeans. And sure, right now, I don’t have the time to make music, but that won’t always be true. I may sing in choirs for decades of my adult life. I just can’t do it Right Now if I also want time to take care of myself. Right Now is a period of a few years where all of my extracurricular activities are solitary and flexible. In three years, maybe the music-making phase will begin again.

      If you’re feeling overburdened, don’t sign up for the class. The most probable worst case scenario is that you miss it, you’re bored home some evenings for eight whole weeks, and then…you sign up for the next one! Or if it doesn’t run again for six months, you’ll take it again in six months! There’s no rush. Opportunities may pass you by, but similar ones, equally fulfilling ones, will cycle around. FOMO is anxiety-provoking, but it won’t kill you, and it’s worth answering the question, “Am I happier when I have more time?”

      1. Blue_eyes*

        This is such a good way to think about it. I haven’t been knitting/crocheting much for the past year, but you’re right, I have time. I taught myself to knit over 15 years ago, my needles and yarn aren’t going anywhere. I can (and will) come back to knitting/crocheting at some point.

    8. Sunshine&IcedCoffee*

      As a fellow busy person, I’ve embraced the schedule everything approach.

      I schedule my housework/life stuff around the other fun stuff. So I know that after my yoga class is a grocery run and then after my volunteer shift, I’m doing laundry. That way, I don’t stress too much cause I know the essentials are somewhere on the schedule.

      I also designate evenings for “non-schedule” fun i.e staying in and bumming around the house and that works for great for me

      But YMMV as always :)

  14. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

    Speed dating was created by a Jewish rabbi. Bees can fly up to 15mph. Some of the earliest fashion marketing included dressing up mini “fashion babies” (child size mannequins) in smaller versions of the goods being sold and shipped across the world to the intended target.

    I’m on an interesting fact kick. Anyone have any good ones or good sources for them?

      1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        It was supposed to be a method to help match up the single Jewish people, so I’ve read.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          This is interesting to me because so much modern advice seems to boil down toward “Get off that device and meet in person. Soon. Keep it short, like coffee. You will know very quickly whether there is enough in-person spark to be worth a real date.” The rabbi was onto something.

    2. fposte*

      Watch QI. Lots of episodes available on YouTube, and it’s really good fun. Sometimes they’re a little misleading (okay, arguably wrong) but often they correct later on.

      Not from QI:
      Horseshoe crab blood is copper-based, and the crabs are “milked” for their blood to use in testing the sterility of medical instruments.

      1. Me2*

        We love QI. 9 Out Of 10 Cats is also enjoyable but it’s current events based so the older episodes do feel old.

        1. fposte*

          Tangentially, I have gotten weirdly obsessed with 8 Out of Ten Cats Does Countdown. Deeply irreverent and often super-filthy comedy mixed with random absurdity punctuated by math and word challenges.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, there is just something about this very lovely, scholarly, middle-aged woman being rather delighted to be down in the mud and give as good as she gets now and then that is so charming to me.

      3. Elizabeth H.*

        I love QI but I think the No Such Thing As a Fish podcast is the best medium! The books don’t really do it for me. I like the back and forth.

      4. Madeline*

        Haha I have QI on in the background right now!
        Much as the main content of the show is entertaining, I do love it when they have moments where Sandi (or Stephen* in the old days) completely loses control of the panel and they spiral into some crazy tangents.

        *’they say of the Acropolis where the Parthenon is…’

    3. Bigglesworth*

      If you like video games at all, check out Game Theory on YouTube. MatPat uses science to figure and support different game theories.

    4. Emily*

      I really like this article on why we color our cheese orange: https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2013/11/07/243733126/how-17th-century-fraud-gave-rise-to-bright-orange-cheese

      TL;DR version: Some cows naturally produce yellowish milk after eating grass high in beta-carotene (an orange pigment). However, most of the pigment is contained in the fatty parts of the milk, so when you skim off the cream before making the cheese, you end up with a whitish cheese. In order to make more money, 17th-century English cheesemakers started skimming off the cream to sell separately and coloring their lower-quality cheeses yellow. This practice carried into today, when we (at least, many people in the US) have come to expect the yellow-orange color (although its presence or absence is no longer indicative of quality).

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Wasn’t there a whole discussion on a recent open thread about how carrots didn’t used to be orange?

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              According to the World Carrot Museum (who knew that was a thing?!) they were originally purple or white!

              1. LilySparrow*

                I’ve grown purple & white heirloom carrots – they’re very tangy.

                I seem to recall seeing purple carrots in the original Peter Rabbit illustrations.

    5. Random Comment*

      I don’t know if this counts but I just learned yesterday that Alexander Dumas (The Three Musketeers, Count of Monte Cristo) was black. I can’t remember any of my English teachers ever mentioning it.

      1. fposte*

        I love The Unbelievable Truth! And Americans can listen to it too, which is nice; the BBC site usually has some episodes up.

        The only downside is that I will sometimes be unsure whether what I’m remembering ended up bring a truth or a lie.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      The Brain Scoop on YouTube is pretty good, it’s done by someone at the Field Museum in Chicago.

    9. Librarygeek*

      Victorians are indirectly to blame for the “boobplate/metal bikini” armor that decorated many a terrible fantasy novel cover.

      Norse women wore brooches at each shoulder as part of the fasteners for their dresses. These were round or oval, metal, and highly decorated for the wealthier women. Victorian England enjoyed Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelung” opera, about Vikings and Norse gods and all that. The costume designers weren’t exactly sure what the large round metal things on the ladies’ dresses were for, but when the Valkyrie showed up, well, they’re sort of warrior ladies, right? Must be armor! What’s it doing up there by the shoulders? Not much to protect up there! And so the brooches gradually grew (got to be seen from the cheap seats) and shifted further south… And the rest is, predictably, history.

    10. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      My favorite Fun Fact: The flavor of “bubble gum” is a blend of vanilla, cinnamon, peppermint, and spearmint!

      1. Kimberlee, Esq.*

        Related (ish) fun fact: I always assumed that Blue Raspberry was a made-up/artificial flavor, but its a real natural flavor from a fruit called the Blue Raspberry (which isn’t particularly blue IRL).

    11. DrWombat*

      Ooooo biologist fun facts to the rescue!

      Humans, certain primates, and guinea pigs cannot synthesize vitamin C and must get it from their diets

      Guernsey goats were almost driven extinct when the island of Guernsey was occupied by Nazis during WWII, but their owners risked their lives to hide them in caves, instead of turning them over to occupying forces as food

      Because of their split upper lips, sheep and goats can pick around the spiky parts of plants cattle can’t, meaning they can eat a wider variety of shrubs and plants and can be used to get rid of invasive or noxious species

      Jacob sheep can have six horns, and both males and females can be polycerate (>2 horns)

      Jersey cows are known for investigating things with their tongues, and some have even figured out how to open locks as a result!

      Sideshows used to exhibit Silkie chickens and claim they were the result of rabbits and chickens mating

      Peacocks are feral in South Florida

    13. phyllisb*

      Did you know at one time it was legal to mail children?? I tell you no lie; look it up. I saw a picture a few years ago of a child standing in a mailman’s bag that the mailman had slung over his shoulder. Looked to have been taken in maybe the 1890’s? I’m sure that was staged, but what parents would do is put postage stamps on their children and take them to the mail train to be “delivered” to another city. (A cheaper way to send them to Grandma?) The practice was finally outlawed.

  15. Bluebell*

    Raleigh travel tips? Spouse and I are here for the long weekend plus one day, visiting friends, but still looking for a few fun things to do. Any suggestions welcome, from cultural attractions to outside activities to undiscovered but interesting options. (We were joking about the tuba museum but probably won’t make it there. ) Thanks so much!

    1. I NC You There*

      The NC Museum of Art is always worth a trip, and it’s free (though special exhibitions are ticketed). The museum park is an absolutely wonderful walk, with sculpture throughout and lots of cool things to discover (look for the camera obscura). Of course, the weather may not cooperate!

      There’s probably a festival going on downtown. There is always SOMETHING going on downtown.

      We’ve lived in the area for almost four years and have never heard of this tuba museum! So thanks for the tip. :) We like to go to various breweries in the area, and there are soooo many. Raleigh Brewing is good for just hanging out. Bond Brothers in Cary has the best beer. Mystery in Hillsborough (a bit of a drive, near Chapel Hill) is pretty cool. One of our favorites is Haw River, out in Saxapahaw, which was recently kind of built up so it has restaurants, condos, an amphitheatre… It’s a nice drive if the weather’s good (which… sorry it’s not this weekend!).

      If you’re willing to venture out, you’ll find a lot more in other parts of the Triangle. There’s a lemur center at Duke; they require tickets/reservations, but at this time of year, you shouldn’t have a problem getting in. Also the Sarah Duke Gardens are really pretty. Out in Pittsboro is the Carolina Tiger Rescue; I haven’t been, but I hear it’s something to behold! Also requires a ticket for a tour. If there’s a concert at Duke Chapel tonight (there usually is), it’s a really beautiful venue, and downtown Durham is pretty close. There are excellent restaurants in Durham and Raleigh, at all kinds of price points.

      In Raleigh proper, we have the Raulston Arboretum on the State campus, which is lovely and a nice walk. There’s also a newly opened art museum on the State campus, right on Hillsborough Street, which looks pretty cool (I haven’t been yet). And the Contemporary Art Museum, or CAM, which is conveniently right downtown.

      Enjoy your weekend! I keep feeling like I ought to apologize for the weather. Yesterday it got up to 80 degrees.

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks for all of the great advice! We did make it to the Art Museum and the CAM today. And the weather was much nicer than Boston.

    2. Tarheel*

      You probably wouldn’t be able to do this with time constraints, but the zoo in Asheboro is anazing. However, that’s basically a whole day affair.
      If you’re into museums, there’s several grouped together in downtown and an art museum in west Raleigh.

    3. NCSU alumna*

      If you like hiking, Umstead State Park is about 20 minutes from downtown Raleigh. It has many well maintained, well marked trails. I agree with I NC You There about the NC Museum of Art. There are a few other museums downtown, too.

      Lots of food options around – Mitch’s Tavern on Hillsborough Street is a favorite among students at NC State. :)

    4. Emily*

      Other people have already given great suggestions, but to touch on a few things I haven’t seen yet:

      – There are so many parks/trails for walking and biking! The last time I was in Raleigh I went to Umstead Park to look at the chainsaw sculpture (er, a tree trunk sculpted using a chainsaw, not a sculpture made of chainsaws) and walk around the wooded trails, but you could also go to Shelley Lake, Durant Nature Preserve, etc.
      – Videri Chocolate Factory (high-quality chocolate bars and bonbons in a smallish shop downtown). In addition to buying chocolate, you can see their factory floor through windows and learn about their process, but even with the self-guided “tour” I wouldn’t expect your visit to take more than an hour at most.
      – I can’t speak to the majority of the breweries/beer stuff in Raleigh (other than that if you like that kind of thing, you can find it there), but I enjoyed visiting Bull City Ciderworks in Durham a few years ago.

    6. RebeccaNoraBunch*

      Oh gosh, I just saw this! I hope you’ve been enjoying your time in Raleigh. I highly recommend Trali Irish Pub (get the sticky toffee pudding!), Duke Chapel, Lake Lynn (though EVERYONE was there today, my gosh) and/or Lynnwood Grill, particularly the upstairs patio during the sunset.

      Enjoy your time here! So happy to see so many AAM readers are local to me. :)

  16. Drive like you stole it*

    There was a commenter on the DeVry post this week who said they’d attended Maury tapings. Please tell us about being in the Maury audience!

  17. Lost and Wanting to Help*

    I have a mental illness question – my spouse has anxiety and depression. She may also have a few other issues, but we’re not sure. I love her, but I frequently do everything to keep the house running. Additionally, I’m a full time student and don’t have a lot of spare time do to fun things once all the chores and schoolwork/research is done. She works full time, which I’m very appreciative of since it allowed me to return to school. She also says she’ll take care of the house (mostly bills and cleaning – I tend to do the cooking). However, bills haven’t been getting paid, the house is a wreck, and I’m at my wits end. Finally, she keeps missing her doctors appointments and I think they’re about done rescheduling for her.

    Question: How do I keep my sanity while still helping her? She’s told me to go do something fun for myself, but I don’t have time for hobbies once I’m home from school and still have to take care of the home front as well as any homework.

    1. Bigglesworth*

      I know this may not be helpful, but just know you’re not alone, Lost. I’m still figuring this out myself, so I don’t have a lot of helpful advice. It helped me when my husband got his own hobbies and friends outside of me, but your wife may not be there yet.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      Try to make the time to do something fun for yourself. I know you say it’s too hard to manage time wise, but in stressful situations like this, sometimes for your own sanity you need to let your housework standards fall for a bit so that you can get a few hours of chill time.

      1. Lost and Wanting to Help*

        How would you recommend me doing this? Even when I’m trying to relax, I can’t help but think about the time I could spend studying or getting stuff done. I can’t turn off my brain unless the to-do list is done.

        1. Koala dreams*

          Can you put the things you need for your mental health on the to-do list? Things like watch favourite tv program, listen to music, go for a walk, call a friend… There are apps where you can customize your to do lists, or if you have a paper list you can check them off. I feel it always make me feel better when I can check off things of lists.

        2. Observer*

          That’s really the key. You DO need to “turn off” that part of your brain. Putting on your to do list as “health maintenance” or something like might be useful. Or maybe a session FOR YOU with a therapist.

          Also, figure out what NEEDS to be done, and then do ONLY that, nothing else. And, don’t do stuff for your spouse. If laundry takes the same amount of time whether you do hers as well as yours, sure. But don’t spend extra time. Don’t set up her appointments, etc. It’s not about “teaching” or anything like that, but you need to be in a mode that is sustainable, and what you are describing is not sustainable.

    3. Nic*

      I feel like this is incredibly similar to a question that has been answered over on CaptainAwkward’s blog. I don’t remember the specific answer, but I hope if you choose to look you find the question easily.

    4. Dead Quote Olympics*

      It seems like there are three related issues, with possibly different strategies, that might help you with the stated problem – keeping your sanity. What does that mean to you, though? Being able to cope better in a practical sense (dr appts, bills, house, time management)? Seeing progress and hope for the future (drs appts)? Or stress relief ( fun, hobbies)?

      1) if it’s the first and second, prioritization might be a strategy. Having her keep her appointments is key, because the situation is not likely to get better without her getting her conditions more well controlled. Bills need to be paid or bad things will happen. Housework? Less of a priority unless it’s a major stressor for you. Can you outsource some of it some of the time? Laundry drop off once a week or as a splurge? Do you have a good friend or relative that could come over and help for a couple of hours and do housework or a particular task (cleaning out a toxic fridge) as a bonding activity (stress relief) while you listen to loud music or watch something together, or a work swap (I help you do unpleasant/hard job this week and you help me next week)?

      The other issue is what would actually make you feel better that you can control? Is that doing something fun? Or would it actually be more beneficial to your mental state to lift some of the daily strain — money spent on a hobby, or on outsourcing laundry/cleaning/food prep/other? Time spent socializing during a fun activity, or time spent socializing with a trusted social circle doing something of practical benefit?

      Only you know the answers to those questions, and of course it depends on your friend/family/financial/relationship dynamic, but it sounds like you have a lot going on and it may repay some thought about what would actually relieve your stress that is achievable, and it might not necessarily be escapism or fun.

      1. Lost and Wanting to Help*

        I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that what was most beneficial to my mental state is doing something productive. I think figuring out how to prioritize what things should get done and what should slide is going to be difficult. I wish I could ask our families for help taking care of stuff. We actually moved across the country and left our family and friends behind so I could attend one of the top schools in my field. I normally have no problem asking them for help, but our social circle is still limited in this city.

        My wife has been trying to prove to herself that she can keep her own appointments without my help, which means that I am frequently left in the dark when she is supposed to be there. I understand that she wants to prove she can “adult”, but I’m at a loss of how to help her if she won’t let me.

        1. Observer*

          That’s actually a GOOD thing. She absolutely needs to be the one who makes sure that keeps her appointments. It might be worth an appointment for both of you where you talk to the therapist about your role.

          There are other ways to be supportive and helpful without getting her to her appointments. And getting her to her appointments is actually not so helpful.

        2. Dead Quote Olympics*

          I’m a “do something productive” strategist, too. If your family could help financially, could you/would you ask them? Three months of a house cleaner, laundry service, meal service or similar to buy you some breathing space? Something to help ease or simplify your schooling — better internet at home, a pass for closer parking, etc.? Sometimes throwing money at minor but stressful problems for a limited amount of time works if you can afford it or your family can help, especially if you are cut off from social networks. Or temporarily stopping something that you feel you ought to do but that eats up time or energy. The suggestions to simplify your life in any way possible are good ones. You might find it useful to think in terms of activities that help yourself in the short term versus the long term and invest more heavily in the short term. Physical activity (gym, running, walking) always helps now versus general networking in your academic program, which is a long term investment that maybe you can put on hold right now.

          Wishing you all the good luck in the world – it’s exhausting to start school in a top program at the best of times.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Seconding this! I also think you need to take charge of the really critical things — bills, getting her to the doctor — and accept that some things, also important but not as critical, you might just have to let go for a little while. You’re only one person, you literally physically can’t do all the work of taking care of two people when there’s only one of you. Accept that there are some things neither of you are capable of doing right now. If possible — as in the suggestion for a housekeeper — find ways that maybe other people could do them for you. (Ask friends for help, too! Maybe not with cleaning the house, but help with getting Spouse to the doctor, help with giving you opportunities to relax, whatever they can help with. They love you. They want to help.)

      2. TootsNYC*

        even if you don’t hire them often, and just have them come in every two months to clean more broadly (and you keep up with wiping down the bathroom and kitchen counters).

    6. Natalie*

      This kind of stuff is hard, and can be a relationship killer. One of the best Captain Awkward thought exercises: assume this isn’t ever going to change. How long do you think you can stay in this relationship? 3 months, 5 years, forever?

      I am the (mostly) healthy spouse with a partner with some health challenges and it’s exhausting. It’s normal to have a lot of mixed feelings about your partner’s health – positive ones like empathy and caretaking urges but also negatives ones like frustration and resentment. Don’t feel guilty about this. It might help to talk to a counselor yourself as you need an outlet for negative feelings that isn’t your partner (the “silk ring theory”).

      On a practical level, you have to get the bills issue straightened out since that can cause pretty significant consequences. You and your partner should have a clear eyed conversation about what’s realistic for getting bills paid – maybe set up more reminders from the companies, maybe you take it over, maybe you set up autopay. No matter what you decide to do, her just promising to vaguely do better isn’t an option.

      For other household stuff, look at simplifying where you can. That’s going to look different for every person – it could mean paying to outsource things, or accepting that you’re going to eat the same 5 meals over and over, or rearranging your home to make tidying easier. Your partner might also like the suggestions for cleaning with health challenges over at Unf*ck Your Habitat.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m pretty much echoing everyone else. Getting someone in to clean even once a month will help keep your space at a healthy level of clean. You could do some purging and reorganizing to reduce clutter which will help the house look cleaner as well. Or even just put things you don’t need into storage for a while. They say clutter affects mental health. (Not saying it’s a cure, just that there’s more than one benefit.) Take back the bills and automate as much as possible. I think some banks have some sort of look-up feature so even variable bills can be paid automatically. And you can often put your utilities on a plan where you pay the same amount each month. For credit cards, you could schedule some sort of minimum payment to happen automatically each month and then check the balance when you can to make up the rest. You’ll pay some interest, but you’ll save non-payment fees and dings to your credit rating, and if your spending is predictable you can get pretty close. Batch cook and use cycle menus to help automate the cooking as well, since you’re taking on more of the household stuff. Have groceries delivered. You won’t be in school forever, so this is just to get you both through this period and then you can make a new plan. And hopefully you spouse will be in a better and healthier place.

      And if you don’t have time for hobbies or fun things, try and get away time. Do your homework in your favorite coffee shop or a different library than usual. Do the grocery shopping somewhere you don’t normally go. Exercise in different gyms or parks. Even taking a different route to school could help. Get yourself outside the spaces you normally inhabit.

      The really big piece though, is to mind your boundaries. It is so easy when you have a family member with mental health problems to want to try and fix it for them and you just can’t. You need to pretend your spouse has a very bad cold. You can drive her to the doctor but you can’t manage her appointments. You can pick up orange juice, but you can’t make her drink it. You can take on the tasks that will ruin your lives if ignored, but you have to let some balls fall if she drops them.

    8. Kuododi*

      One thing I would suggest is looking at NAMI.org (National Association of Mental Illness). They are a very good place for information and resources. Best wishes…you are in my thoughts…

      1. Mary Connell*

        Ditto. I just met a woman who teaches NAMI classes to families of those with mental illness. She said finding the organization was a lifesaver for her family.

    9. Oogie*

      Stay strong-you are not alone. I have had mental health issues for about 20 years and my husband (the “normal” one) had a nervous breakdown this week and spent 2 days in the psych ward. He said it might not have gotten so bad if he wasn’t trying to protect me from his feelings since I already struggle. Long story short, we had some really good honest conversations about underlying issues I hadn’t really thought too much about in our marriage. You need to ask her point blank why she isn’t invested in keeping her appointments and getting help. Just my opinion.

    10. Ramona Flowers*

      On the doctors appointments I think it’s reasonable to expect her to go if she needs to but first try to find out what the issue is.

      I would ask her why she isn’t attending – is she worried about something, did she have a bad experience, is she struggling with crowds in the waiting room, is she afraid of doctors, etc? Ask why and really listen to the answer. Then ask her to figure out a solution that would work. The current one isn’t working.

      I have some links coming in a follow up comment.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I am in the UK so I’m mainly aware of UK resources but some of this advice is universal:

        https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/#.WolpQ3CnyEc (this is more focused on support for you)

        https://www.nopanic.org.uk/help-for-carers/ (Ditto and some of the advice doesn’t travel but it still felt worth posting)

        https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/supporting-someone-mental-health-problem (this is more focused on how to support the other person)

        What support are you getting? Is there a counselling service at your university that you could use? It’s ok to use this to talk about supporting someone else. Also does your spouse’s job have an EAP – if so they may be able to help both them and you.

    11. Koala dreams*

      I also have a history of mental health problems and missing appointments is a super common problem in this situation, it’s strange that her doctor isn’t more aware of that. In my case I changed to a clinic with drop in appointments, so I can just go there and wait in the waiting room until the doctor has time for me.

      Is it possible for her to work part-time instead? It sounds like she has too much on her plate. I live alone, so I have to work part time, to ensure having enough energy to make breakfast and do laundry (can’t work without breakfast or clean clothes). If that’s not possible, can she hire someone to make her parts of the house chores?

      As for you, do you have any support just for you? A therapist, a counsellor, a group for people with ill spouses/family? It’s very stressful to deal with illness in the family, even if you are the healthy one. I also think you need to put your health first, even though it maybe feels selfish. Neither you nor your spouse is helped by you being exhausted all the time, and it’s much easier to recover from a dirty house than from longtime exhaustion.

      1. Observer*

        I also have a history of mental health problems and missing appointments is a super common problem in this situation, it’s strange that her doctor isn’t more aware of that.

        Not strange at all. It may (or may not) be the right thing in this situation, but some therapist specifically are on the more rigid side on appointments because they find it to actually be helpful. That doesn’t work for everyone, and it could be that the OP’s spouse needs to find another doctor. Otoh, it doesn’t matter how often the doctor re0schedules appointments if the new appointment gets missed as well. So, this needs to be addressed anyway.

        1. Koala dreams*

          Yeah, it makes sense for therapists since it takes a lot of motivation to get something out of therapy, but it’s strange for a doctor, since the effect is making it harder for really ill people to get treatment. Around here you generally have to pay a no-show fee, but there’s no problem to get a new appointment. Sometimes the doctor might squeeze you in later in the day, sometimes you have to wait a few weeks. I live in Sweden, so maybe this is yet another of these cultural differences. Thank for explaining!

    12. Miles*

      Make sure she gets to the doctor’s appointments even if you have to physically drag her out there, if those appointments are for a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

      If that’s the type of appointment she’s missing, her lack of motivation or energy to do housework is because her symptoms aren’t being managed and that’s the first step to overcoming behavioral health struggles.

      1. Observer (1)*

        Absolutely NOT! Sure, it’s true that if her illness isn’t being managed, she’s not getting better. But physically dragging her to her appointments will NOT help her to manage her illness – and that’s the best case. Worst case, it seriously damages her treatment.

  18. Candi*

    Book recommendation: Lost to Time: Unforgettable Stories that History Forgot, by Martin W. Sandler.

    First chapter is about Ziryab, a ninth century freed slave with a heck of a brain and serious ingenuity. He served the ruler of Cordoba, creating innovations that have affected multiple cultures through the centuries.

  19. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Via a message board I follow, I have discovered Renters on Netflix. It’s a reality show out of New Zealand about property managers. I don’t know why, but I LOVE IT. It has also inspired me to spend my long weekend cleaning this house. In the last 90 minutes, I have cleaned the second bathroom and all of the surfaces in the kitchen (you know, the stuff that required moving and rearranging). Anyone else watched this lovely gem (or, as they say in NZ, “gym”) of a show?

    1. Triplestep*

      I have not seen this, but it sounds like something I’d like. (I working Facility Planning, which is a cousin to Property Management.) Thanks for the tip!

    2. BravoMessenger*

      Yes! It’s very good and the property manager with the flaming red hair from The Good Girls is a total hoot!

    4. NZ Muse*

      I do not (because I have no desire to even think about this stuff after 10 horrific years of renting – PMs are the devil as far as I am concerned) but I just wanted to say how amusing/awesome it is that our wee reality show is being watched elsewhere!

    5. Mary Connell*

      Yes … it’s a fun way to get a glimpse into another culture, even if it’s a dysfunctional little slice of that culture. : )

  20. Cat*

    Anyone have experience with paying someone to pack for you? I’m moving in a couple of months and am starting to wonder how much this option costs. I like the idea of someone who knows how to pack things packing them so that they don’t get broken cross-country plus, you know, it’s just a miserable experience to do it yourself.

    1. anon scientist*

      I had packers for my last move. It was both amazing and annoying. The amazing thing was not having to pack, of course. But the downside was that the boxes were just labelled with the room (e.g., Living room, kitchen), so unpacking was kind of annoying because I couldn’t have an unpacking strategy such as unpacking the glasses and plates as priority over the decorative platters. My move was supposed to include unpacking as well, but that sounded awful – I want to figure out where to put stuff, not have to rearrange everything after the movers unpack. I also probably didn’t get rid of as much stuff as I would have if I was packing myself, because I didn’t stand there and think “do I really want this thing?” as I was packing .

      So, overall it was probably worth it to not have to pack, but it did make setting up rooms on the other end more difficult.

    2. K.*

      My best friend and her husband did it when they moved cross-country for her job. She had no choice, as her company was handling the move for her. She hated it because nothing was organized the way she would have organized it. For example, all the kitchen stuff was jumbled together rather than being separated by glasses, plates, small appliances, etc. And the boxes weren’t labeled. After hearing about her experience, I don’t think I’d ever do it because I like things to be organized a certain way, and having someone pack for you doesn’t really enable you to do that.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Following with interest — we’re looking at a BIG international move in a few years and I’ve waffled about whether it’s worth it to save up and shell out the extra couple grand for full service.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        How big of a move? Also a thing to consider with international is that your stuff will have to be trucked to a depot and loaded onto a ship and there are customs clearances and the like to consider = paperwork. A reputable end to end mover could make this much less of a hassle, especially if you have a lot of things like pets/kids/immigration stuff to sort out as well.

        1. Parenthetically*

          To Australia from the midwest. Yes, I’ve gotten some quotes from dedicated international movers who handle all the paperwork for you. It’s actually a lot less expensive than I figured it’d be, and it’s certainly much less than replacing the entire contents of our house! Most of them have a sort of two-tiered pricing structure, one that includes all the packing up of your house and one that doesn’t. Everything else is included by default though.

          1. anon scientist*

            Make sure to look into insurance. For my international move, my goods were only insured if they did the packing. Makes sense, since they should supposedly know how to pack things correctly.

    4. EmilyG*

      Hi, it’s me from the thread above. I have moved five times in the past seven years (uugghhhh) and three of those were full-packs. Two were employer-sponsored moves across the country, and one was to my new house, literally less than a mile, but I just couldn’t face doing it again and found out that it wasn’t going to cost *that* much because I have a pretty edited 1-bedroom-apt worth of stuff.

      In my case, there was always pretty decent box labelling and they also did a good job packing some specialized things that lots of people have. For example, somewhere along the way I ditched the carton for my TV, but it still got packed well, and they always packed my dishes upright, like in the dishwasher, which is apparently safer for them. Also I have a lot of pictures, mirrors, and stuff, and that was always done well. They had a small box clearly labeled “CORDS AND REMOTES” so none of that got lost.

      But, I think each time they managed to mess up something kind of unusual. The first team of packers put some of my books upright in the boxes and then put other boxes on top so that some covers got bent. The second team had a guy who was probably 20yo pack my closet, and when I was unpacking I realized he’d chucked all of my purses at the bottom of a box with various awkwardly shaped heavy things on top (I was able to reshape them, so in the end this was funny). I don’t recall any casualties from the third time because I think I had my eye on my delicate stuff.

      Overall, I’d recommend it if your move has other stressors involved.

      1. Casuan*

        It is worth it.
        For many things I used post-its to tell the packers what to write on the box. Still there were boxes that were generically marked, although that inconvenience was worth it to me.

      2. Nacho*

        Wow. I know you probably have a bigger house than me, but I’m about to move right now, and I can’t imagine paying $1500 for people to pack my shit. Maybe a couple hundred since it would double as cleaning my place, but that’s really high.

    6. Horizons*

      We’ve had packers do the kitchen and done the rest of the house ourselves. That has worked really well, because I’m not patient enough to wrap each glass/dish/mug carefully. (I’ve unpacked it myself.)

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      My parents had this as a perk when they moved to Alaska in the late 70s. They have never had anyone pack for them since, partly because my dad actually ran a business packing art for shows and has some sort of obsession over optimal packing structure, and partly because the movers broke/misplaced some stuff. They are truly the ultimate U-Haulers having moved the other three times across the US themselves. You never have to ask my parents twice for help moving – they love it when one of the kids asks for moving help, but especially packing the Uhaul!

      My buddy just moved house and since he and his wife are really busy at work and have a toddler and mother in law to deal with, DID pay someone to come in and move for them. The way he was telling me about it – Friday the movers came in and put everything in a box, then Saturday they physically moved them and set up the bed first and unpacked everything. The last text I got from him it sounded like the unpacking bit was mayhem with stuff everywhere that they still had to put away a week later. Frankly I think that would have driven me nuts, more than just unloading boxes per room.

      In our most recent move we packed stuff and then paid someone to come load it into the truck, drive it across town, and unload it. We still have boxes we havent unpacked and that was almost a year ago. But I liked this option a lot as I just packed per room, labelled the boxes, added Up or Down (for the new place) and told them to unload based on the Up or Down instructions. Worked great!

    8. Amanda*

      We’re military, and so move every couple years, and I find that having someone else pack and unpack seriously helps save my sanity. For me, the nice thing is that it happens so quickly. I don’t have to start packing things up a month ahead of time. We have 4 kids and a ridiculous amount of stuff, and it took the last team 2 days to pack everything and 1 day to load the truck. You have to do some organizing ahead of time, but once they get started your main job is to stay out of the way. It feels very luxurious at what tends to be a pretty stressful time.

      1. Lynn*

        I went through a military move when I was married, and it was the easier one ever. I spent a weekend organizing, decluttering, and packing the things I wanted to have while in transit, and everything else was packed, transported, and half unpacked (furniture put in place, all boxes in the right room and opened, and all the trash and boxes picked up later) for me.

    9. TootsNYC*

      My brother had a movers contracted by the Army for packing up their last move. He said it was awful; they just wandered around the house with stuff in their hands.

      I wonder if you could get someone from TaskRabbit, or a professional organizer type person, to help. And then you can control it, but you have a second set of hands.

    10. PickyD*

      I absolutely hated the one move I made with packers. We decided we’d be moving (husband’s company had a literally once-in-a-lifetime opening) from Florida to Minnesota with 4 weeks notice. I wasn’t “working,” but I had three kids ages 2, 4, and 6, and other obligations like buying a new house, selling the old one, taking care of a family emergency out-of-state that coincided with the move, so I had no choice.

      The only thing that kept me sane was doing a little pre-packing/organizing of my own.
      – I packed a full-size suitcase for each of us with 2 weeks of clothes. (I knew I wouldn’t be able to find anything quickly.) All of my jewelry went into mine at that point, and since I don’t have a lot of expensive stuff, it was fine. Half of the kids’ suitcases were filled with toys that I knew would keep them occupied in the new space.
      – I had several categories of items that were in multiple areas of the house, so I put them together. For instance, I had books in several rooms, so I moved all of them into our study. Same thing with DVDs/CDs, electronics cables and gadgets, office supplies like pens/tape/rulers, etc. I didn’t pack them, but I did make sure they were together.
      – Anything I was particular about, like a special vase or bowl or collectibles, I packed myself. I also packed all my shoes, purses, accessories and clothing.
      – It’s REALLY easy to pack your clothing! In fact, just take 4-5″ of your hanging clothes from the rod, fold them gently in the middle, then lay them in a large box just like that, still on hangers. Repeat. It’s really easy to unpack them like that, too. There’s no need to buy special wardrobe boxes with a hanging rod. For clothes from dressers, just lay them in a box. Don’t get fancy lol!

      They did plenty of things that made me crazy.
      – Imagine lifting a HUGE box (24x24x36) that weighed NOTHING and finding a single intensely-cushioned lampshade and a single comically-overwrapped dusty lightbulb inside. The lightweight base of the lamp (probably 18” tall) was in another identical box that had been otherwise packed with wrapping paper. Keep in mind the lamp was $25 from Target.
      – They packed the shelves from my oven and the glass revolving tray from my microwave. Both the oven and microwave were obviously built in and part of the house. I had to spend a frantic hour ripping apart “Kitchen” boxes, and wasted $120 shipping those items quickly back to my old house when the realtor called in a panic.
      – They didn’t seem to care what went in each box. They just started on one side of the room and grabbed miscellaneous stuff until they filled the box, then moved on to the next box. Someone mentioned everything was “jumbled” together and I would say that’s an understatement. Books with knick-knacks with coasters with tissue boxes…
      – They made no distinction between something that was obviously good quality and something that was obviously junk. The used the same amount of wrapping paper on my heirloom serving pieces as they did on my crappy plastic bowls. The amount of wrapping paper on useless, impossible-to-damage plastic kitchen items alone was INSANE.
      – They didn’t care if anything was dusty or dirty. Everything was treated the same. I’m not suggesting that I expected them to clean every little thing before they packed them, but the muddy shoes by the back door could have used a clap before they were put in a box with the umbrella stand and wicker basket.

      I was lucky we were able to afford the movers, and I felt a bit like a princess when they were there. However, the month I spent unpacking the jumbled mess wasn’t worth it.

    11. Lindsay J*

      We had a pack-and-move paid for by my spouse’s job for our most recent move.

      It was so much better than having to pack all the things ourselves.

      I will have to get with him and find out how much the service was worth. I would definitely recommend it, though.

      Though, FWIW I don’t think they packaged the things better/more safely than we would have done. They did package them quicker/more efficiently, though.

  21. Me2*

    Did anyone else get addicted to Best Fiends after Alison recommended it last year? I spend way too much time playing it.

    1. Handy nickname*

      Oh man I have. I got out of it for a while since my phone is kinda small to play it on, but I’ve had more time at home lately and have spent lots of time playing on my tablet. Prolly my favorite game on my tablet once it took I er for Angry birds blast. I play the We Rate Dogs game on my phone

        1. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

          I don’t find it sucks me in as much, but it’s really nice for when you just want a brain break smacking slugs :)

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I tried it (some YouTubers I followed rec’ed it) but I guess I suck at it, because I kept running up against a paywall and so I ditched it. :( I’d rather just pay once for something and then be able to play it all the way through. I don’t like in-game purchasing.

      1. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

        for what it’s worth you don’t have to pay, you just wait until the ‘energy’ replenishes (it goes up 1 every 5 min I think) and merrily keep failing until you succeed (repeat as necessary…that’s a lot, for me :D )

  22. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Allergy (?) question:

    My eyes start burning whenever I’m in the room with a smoker, be it cigarettes or marijuana. I’m a public librarian and frequently have to stand right next to heavy smokers to demonstrate a database or show them how to use the catalog or set up an email account — so this is a problem. And I find that my sensitivity has gotten much worse over the years. My library has very poor ventilation, the mechanism to open windows is broken and cannot be fixed, and there’s no way to improve the heating/venting/AC at this time, so those options are out.

    Is this something I could go to an allergist or other doctor to treat? Is this something I just have to power through? (There’s talk that my state is considering legalizing marijuana, so this is adding a whole new layer of stress – I’m worried about having a room full of people who absolutely reek, with me having no recourse.) Thanks in advance.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I apologize if this came out sounding too close to work-related — I edited out a paragraph for length that this issue also affects me all the time in any other place with tight quarters. Subways, elevators, etc.

    2. Thursday Next*

      I feel you—I have the same problems with my eyes; I also get headaches from it. Can your library set up HEPA air filters, particularly around the public terminals?

      I’ve also found a bit of relief from eye drops (like artificial tears).

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Eye drops are a good thought. I’ve used them for other seasonal allergies with good results. And I get headaches too.

        I got a good laugh at the HEPA filters. Our facilities department is totally recalcitrant when any type of request is made. It’s hard enough to get a wastebasket here.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Oh my. There’s recalcitrance, and there’s…whatever your workplace is doing; that must be so frustrating! Since an air filter wouldn’t require any infrastructure work, as ventilation would, could you raise it as a medical accommodation?

          Love your user name, btw. The first Librarian movie is one of my favorite pick-me-ups, since I’m always overthinking things. It’s just Portuguese!

    3. EN*

      Yes, you can absolutely go to an allergist for this! I found out I have a tobacco allergy when I got tested for seasonal allergies that kicked in terribly in my mid-twenties. It turns out I’m too sensitive to do the desensitization shots, but I think most people who try it respond better than I did.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thank you! It’s treated by taking shots? I might try to power through it for a while longer if that’s the case, at least until it is totally impossible for me to handle it. I can only handle the drinking type of shots :-)

        1. EN*

          If you want to go the desensitzation route, they make a custom serum of all the things you’re allergic to and gradually up the dose you get injected with over several months. I had bad reactions to even low doses, so I just take a daily Zyrtec and sometimes a nasal spray to manage any symptoms. You definitely don’t have to do the shots to get some relief :)

    4. Thlayli*

      Wow. I’m actually gobsmackedthat it’s legal to smoke in a library anywhere in the world. Wow.

      Would it be possible to get your library made smoke-free? For the health of staff and non-smoking patrons?

      2. Lcsa99*

        I read it as people who smoke enough that their hair and clothing are saturated with the smell. I get watery eyes around that sometimes, though not as bad as it sounds like it is for the OP.

        I like the idea of eye drops, posted above. I am sure if you talk to a doctor they can also suggest pills or something to try before shots.

      3. Natalie*

        I don’t think the patrons are smoking in the library, but if they’re heavy smokers they will be basically covered in smoke particles and it could definitely set of someone’s allergies.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Exactly. They’re not actually lighting up in the library, but they might as well be from how much of a smell of smoke they carry on them!

    5. Rainy*

      As someone with a lot of allergies–yeah, an allergist can probably at least come up with something to help you. I second rinsing the eyes with sterile eyedrops (keep them in the fridge for extra cooling power).

      Just as a side note–as someone who lives in a state with legal recreational pot, the people who already reek of pot are the only ones who are going to keep reeking of pot. Most people aren’t going to smoke enough for it to saturate them, just like they don’t now. :D

    6. Woodswoman*

      As someone with allergies including a significant sensitivity to smoke, I empathize. I think it’s important to get treatment that is customized to you. It’s a good idea to see an allergist to get a baseline and learn about options, and then you can decide for yourself how you want to treat your symptoms. For me, a combination of western and alternative medicine has worked well. My health has improved with the guidance of both an allergist and an acupuncturist who gave me herbal tablets that also help. Sorry you’re having to go through this, and hope you feel better soon!

    7. Observer*

      Please talk to your doctor. Even if your workplace gets its act together (which is SHOULD!) you’re still going to have problems in all the other places you mention. So, exploring some relief would be useful.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I live in a place where pollen season ends just in time for mold season to start. A daily OTC antihistamine pill is just part of the routine for me and my older child.

      I checked with my doctor to find the best options that wouldn’t interact with other meds we take, and have low side effects.

      If you’re allergic to things you can’t control, sometimes you just have to compensate.

  23. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Question 1:
    When setting boundaries with a narcissist, how do you deal with feeling like “the bad guy?”

    Question 2: #1stworldproblems
    Between paying in full for a wedding (SO and I, no family contribution), funding a 2017 IRA, and 401(k), how do you balance all of that?

    The budget breakdown of my paycheck:
    -15% my paycheck goes to the wedding (SO contributes too),
    -40% go to my savings (a house/future kids/rainy day)
    -5% go toward my money market account
    -9% toward adding to the IRA (nondeductible, though :/)
    -1% matching 401(k) contribution
    -30% to utilities/rent (SO and I pay).

    If I increase my 401(k) percentage now, it’s less money for the wedding, and I have rent, utilities, phone bill, groceries to cover.

    Is there any “ideal” percentage allocation? Especially if the IRA is nondeductible? Should I bother contributing to an IRA in that case?

    Thanks…..

    1. Random Comment*

      For Q1 I think that you just have to keep reminding yourself that making you feel like you’re the bad, unreasonable one is exactly how this type of person operates and it’s how they get what they want. Their feelings about whatever boundary you’re setting are theirs to manage.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. In healthy relationships people don’t make each other feel bad. They lift each other up, inspire each other and support each other.

        OTH, you could decide that you may feel bad but you will proceed with your boundaries anyway because it hurts too much if those boundaries are not in place.

        Your mom is pretty intense. It would probably be a good idea to collect up a number of tools for processing the guilt/upset she tries to make you feel. If one tool is not working today, then grab another tool and use that one.

        1. Tris Prior*

          This! I have decided that the guilt I feel over holding my boundaries with my toxic parent actually feels better than the way I feel when I’m in more regular contact with them. Because – even when in more regular contact, I STILL felt guilty and awful. Whatever I did or said, they were never happy. I guess if I had agreed with everything they said and done everything they wanted me to, that might’ve made them briefly happy, but that would’ve meant completely losing myself, so I decided not to live my life for their pleasure any more.

          1. Big Person*

            No, it wouldn’t have made them happy. They would have continually found other things to be unhappy about.

      2. Triplestep*

        I had a narcissist boss, and a close family-member who was just really manipulative, but I applied the same techniques to deal with them. I just treated it as a question of WHEN they would act up – not “IF”.

        It was a given my family-member was going to try to throw a monkey wrench into any family event where she feared I might get any positive attention, so I just planned that it would happen. Then when the other shoe finally dropped, I could laugh about it with my husband or sibling who were both in on the joke, so to speak. So it wasn’t an outraged “can you believe what she did this time?” but a knowing “Ah, there it is! We knew it would be something, and now we know what!”

      3. Update on he wants a baby*

        I find it tough too. I’m almost completely done with having to deal with my ex-husband, but I think he was somewhere on the narcissistic scale. I keep telling myself that the things I’m expecting out of him are the same that I would expect out of any other functional adult. It is reasonable to expect an adult to be an adult. I’m not sure it always makes me feel better, but I haven’t come up with a better solution.

    2. fposte*

      On the money stuff: never leave free money on the table; contribute to the match in your 401k over doing the other stuff, including the IRA.

      Are you doing a traditional IRA instead of a Roth because your income exceeds the Roth max? I’d consider doing a backdoor Roth then rather than leaving money in the nondeductible tIRA then. You may run afoul of the pro rata rule if you have other money in your tIRA, but look up “backdoor Roth” to see.

      If you can’t do a backdoor Roth and your 401k isn’t extortionate in its costs, I’d contribute the $5500 to the 401k instead and let the IRA go.

      1. Rainy*

        Also r/raisedbynarcissists which has a lot of people coping with narcissists.

        Honestly, though, it’s just practice with feeling comfortable having and expressing your boundaries. The guilt definitely goes away with practice.

    4. Kuododi*

      I have mentioned before that my mother is very self centered, homophobic, a raging racist and all sorts of other problematic issues. All of that is complicated by her current dementia. Needless to say “setting boundaries” in the traditional therapeutic sense isn’t going to fly with her bc her ability to remember short term is almost completely gone. I just tell myself this isn’t a situation I have any ability to change and giving myself a case of useless guilt only makes me ill. When she pops off with her nonsense, I just nod and move the conversation along as quickly as possible. Some times I do have to walk into the kitchen if she’s particularly difficult. When I get back in two or three minutes…she’s on another topic and life goes on….you have my sympathy. Best wishes….

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Visit reddit, they have a raised by narcissist section, and the justnoMIL may also be helpful. Read lots and lots.

    6. nonegiven*

      By non deductible you mean a Roth IRA? You can take Roth contributions, not earnings, out of the account at any time without tax or penalty.
      Earnings can be withdrawn for a first home purchase, as long as the account has been open for at least 5 years. If 9% is less than your contribution limit, you can increase it to the limit with some of your home down payment savings and use it for a first home purchase and a few other exceptions, as long as the account has been open for at least 5 years, before that if you’re only taking the amount you contributed or less.

      https://www.rothira.com/roth-ira-withdrawal-rules

    7. Observer*

      On the finances, Max out whatever your employer will match, and cut back the IRA to balance it out. You’re doing a reasonable job of saving, as it is. Keep in mind a house is a saving for your retirement, too.

    8. Miles*

      I would consider shifting the Ira payments into the 401k. Those deductions make a big difference overall, even if there’s no employer match past the first 1%

  24. Forking Great Username*

    I have been miserably sick for two weeks now. It started with a cold and losing my voice. Then, with my immune system lowered, I caught the flu from a student. I ended up in the ER at one point because my fever was dangerously high and I was very dehydrated. Now the flu is gone, but I still have a terrible cough and congestion. My whole body feels like a giant bruise and my temperature STILL keeps spiking. I’m at a loss. None of the doctor’s advice has helped and I desperately need to be back to normal soon, because I’m so behind at work right now.

    1. fposte*

      I’m not sure how you’re defining “the flu is gone” or whether it really matters, but you’re clearly still sick. Some viruses just take weeks to run their course; we just don’t run into those as often as the others, but think of mono, for instance. There’s no Virus-B-Gon to give you, unfortunately, so the doctor can mostly just suggest ways to palliate the symptoms.

    4. misspiggy*

      Now is around the time to get checked out for a bacterial chest infection, in case you need antibiotics. But if it isn’t that, unfortunately rest and chicken soup is pretty much all you can do. Rest is really important to avoid pneumonia.

    5. Casuan*

      Ugh!!
      Hopefully you feel better soon!!

      A request to you & others who are ill?
      Please don’t go back to work or anywhere else [except for medical appointments, of course] until you know you’re no longer contagious. Some of us are highly susceptible & it takes us much longer to recover than most people.

    6. Madeline*

      Like others said this is something you’ll probably just have to wait for to run its course. In the meantime, is there any way you can delegate some of your work to others so as not to be so overwhelmed with the backlog once you’re well again?

  25. Lady Jay*

    Recommendations for a styling foam/mousse? I have a medium-length pixie and currently use something from Aveda to style it. I love the Aveda product, but it’s $20/pop (couple times a year) and can be difficult to find. I’d like to have at least a backup that I can grab at Target.

    2. Claire (Scotland)*

      I wish I knew! I use Aveda’s Phomollient, and have been looking for a cheaper alternative for months. But nothing else feels and works as well, and they absolutely do not smell as good, so I end up not using them and buying more Phomollient. I just decluttered six mousses I’ve bought recently and do not use. It’s a problem!

      1. Lady Jay*

        YES! It’s the Phomolllient that I use (I was recommended it when I first got the pixie) and love it. Bummed that there doesn’t seem to be a more cost-effective brand. :)

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Ive got stick straight hair that I cut short (I WISH i could rock a pixie but no can do) and then “enhance” so it has some sort of body to it. I typically use Play Paste from Onesta (its $21 for a little tub but that tub lasts me 9 months) and its far stiffer than Phomollient (I have tried and it doesn’t quite work for me). Stuff it in at the roots and it will hold forever and a day, but wash out well. Unfortunately thats an order online or go to the salon thing.

      Have you tried dusting powders at all? I have used both Osis Plus Dust (pricy) and then found that Tresemme of all brands came out with something last year that is way cheaper and just as good – texture style backcomb dust. Its half the price of Osis and lasts forever – just put a little on the finger tips and work into the roots for Big Hair. This should be Targetable, but I am in the UK and can’t tell. But you may want to see if there is a similar dusting powder down the aisle and get one to try and see if that helps.

    4. EN*

      Fellow pixie cut here. My hair has a bit of a wave to it, so I use products for curly hair, otherwise I’ll end up with a lot of fluff and frizz. Herbal Essence’s Totally Twisted Mousse is the only thing that really works well for me. They also have a Bio:Renew line that’s paraben-free, etc.

    5. Starley*

      I haven’t tried their mousse or foam, but I picked up a bottle of Not Your Mother’s hairspray once in desperation and have started using other products from them. They’ve worked great for me, I’ve had no trouble finding them and they’re pretty inexpensive.

    6. BetsCounts*

      I have short fine hair, and hate spending time styling it, so I use L’Oreal Paris Advanced Haircare Air Dry It Ruffled Body Mousse. I brush my hair, toss some of the product in, shake my head around a little and then go!

    7. Lindsay J*

      Not a mousse, but I’ve been using Paul Mitchell’s Neon Sugar twist cream in order to style my hair. It’s $12 and is good for making your hair piecey and texturey. I got it at ULTA.

  26. Ramona Flowers*

    You know how Friends doesn’t stand up well to repeat watching in this more enlightened age? Turns out neither does West Wing.

    It feels almost like blasmphemy to say this but we are re-re-re-watching West Wing and there’s so much to dislike about it.

    Sam treats women really badly. And there’s this dreadful scene where someone points out that the way he just talked to Ainsley was offensive, and Ainsley defends it and like totally shames the person who spoke up.

    Josh needs to get over himself already (but I always thought that).

    British people are always ridiculous caricatures.

    Ambassadors from African countries are always portrayed in a way that makes them seem unpleasant and creepy.

    I could go on.

    1. fposte*

      West Wing Weekly talks about a lot of this. (Also, some of this isn’t about aging–it was an issue when it was aired, too, like Sorkin and his women; that Sam/Ainsley scene pissed me off right away and I’ve alluded to it when making the point that it’s not just about whether the behavior is consensual but whether it affects other people in the office and professional standards there.)

      1. TootsNYC*

        yeah, I noted that in a news story about Doug Manchester, the nominee for ambassador to the Bahamas, and his “problematic” behavior, there were male employees who were really uncomfortable with the treatment of women.

    2. WeevilWobble*

      That’s Sorkin for you.

      CJ was also regularly talked down to in the early seasons despite being obviously smarter and more capable than most of them.

      1. fposte*

        The end of “The Crackpots and These Women,” where Bartlet is musing how wonderful these women are in a way that I think is meant to be feminist and is just freaking condescending, always makes me think of the Bloom County strip where the hacker kid changes a headline from something like “REAGAN CALLS WOMEN NATIONAL ASSET” to “REAGAN CALLS WOMEN ‘AMERICA’S LITTLE DUMPLINS.'” It’s really, really close to “the White House’s little dumplins.”

    3. Tris Prior*

      I actually really enjoy West Wing, still. We tend to watch it after something awful is in the news and then dream of a Bartlet (or Santos) presidency.

      That being said, every time we watch it now we end up looking at each other and exclaiming, “holy @#$%, how is Toby/Sam/Josh not getting busted for sexual harassment in the workplace right now? That is NOT OK!” Or the scene where CJ says, “You want to make out with me right now, don’t you” and Toby replies, “well, when DON’T I?” What? Who says any of that to a co-worker?!

      I really, really hate that scene with Sam and Ainsley, too.

    4. all aboard the anon train*

      I find this is the case with a lot of TV shows in general. Even currently airing workplace comedies and dramas are rife with things that make me raise my eyebrows because it’d be a trip to HR immediately (I love Parks & Rec and B99, but so much wouldn’t fly in a real workplace).

      That Sam and Ainsley scene stood out to me even when it first aired, but Sorkin has never been great at writing women. I still think some of their standout episodes are great TV and I’ll watch them as standalones every once in awhile, but as a whole, I do think it gets problematic doing an episode by episode rewatch.

      As for Friends, I never watched it when it was airing and attempted to watch it last year after so many people said it was the greatest sitcom ever, and I was appalled at how sexist and homophobic I found it (the latter doesn’t surprise me at much because 90s/early 2000s TV was all about thinking they were being inclusive by writing LGBT characters, but doing it in a way that stereotyped them, desexualized them, or laughed at them instead of with them).

    5. Sherm*

      About British people being ridiculous caricatures, as an American I started watching “foreign” movies a few years back, and it struck me how severely they stereotype Americans sometimes. There was one where the American could hardly talk — he was just grunting and prancing around the room. They make a cartoon look nuanced by comparison. So that made me wonder: How badly, then, are *we* stereotyping people from other countries?

      1. Incantanto*

        So badly.
        Brits are always posh idiots/machiavellian monsters.

        And for some reason, often weirdly suave, which is not a bad stereotype, but far from the truth.

    6. PM-NYC*

      While I love West Wing, I agree with all of this. Honestly, from the various Sorkin vehicles I’ve watched, I think he’s just a misogynist who is condescending of women. He can write white, male characters from age 30ish & up, but any other demographic, especially women, he struggles with. Now that we’re (thankgully) starting to be in a media landscape that isn’t as dominated by the white male perspective, watching Sorkin can be so painful at times.

      You mentioned his treatment of C.J., but I also hate how they undercut Donna’s character & use her as the dumb person to explain stuff to for most of the show & she only gets to break away in the last couple of seasons. Sorkin loves to use the device of having an ignorant character around for other characters to explain stuff to, which isn’t a horrible device, but when it’s almost always women, it grates.

    7. Jillociraptor*

      The West Wing is probably one of my all time favorite series…but totally agree. I feel like the show is the absolute epitome of middle-aged White liberal men who have proclaimed themselves woke but have zero actual equity lens.

      Tone-wise, it’s also just painfully precious sometimes, even as someone who basically shares the politics of the show. At the moment in the US, it makes me think of that scene in The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where Kimmy is at Titus’s horror-themed restaurant and starts cracking up, saying, “It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary!”

      I will say that the final two seasons (especially the 7th) have improved a lot in my mind. They’re way less preachy, and a lot of the characters gain a bit more dimension.

    9. Juli G.*

      I kind of think the Josh critique is just the character.

      And I agree with others that Sorkin is pretty problematic with women. Studio 60 in a lot of ways was worse.

      I still enjoy it and sometimes I don’t because so many of the problems being debated 15-20 years ago have made no progress since then. :(

    11. Ramona Flowers*

      I still love Amy though. I am a lot like her in terms of being really sarcastic and really outspoken about people’s rights – except I’m way more diplomatic!

    12. JayeRaye*

      I love the West Wing, and I particularly love Leo, but every time he calls Margaret or CJ a ‘good girl’ I want to punch his wrinkly, loveable face.

      I watched WW as a teenager when it first aired, and I find it funny that back then I really disliked Amy. Now from my grownup point of view I adore her. I think teenage me had a crush on Josh and thought Amy was horribly rude to him. Now I tend to think Josh is an idiot who needs a swift kick to the backside!

  27. Anonybus*

    Dating conundrum.

    I’m a solidly atheist, work in a hard science field, allopathic medicine, show me the double-blind study type person. The person I’ve started dating is a dyed in the wool woo-natic; worships Gaia, natural healing, anti-vax follower of Dr Oz and The Food Babe and lives in a house full of crystals.

    I enjoy their company and the sex is great. But I find myself biting my tongue so I don’t say something like, “Are you F4ing kidding me?!” when they move to the latest thing Gwyneth Paltrow is pushing.

    We’re doomed, right?

    1. nep*

      No real advice here. I just love the way you wrote this. I can really relate to biting one’s tongue so as not to say are you F-ing kidding me?!
      (I don’t think you’re doomed necessarily — I would just see how it goes. If / when there’s a deal-breaker, I reckon you’ll know it.)

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Probably doomed, but not because of the atheist/New Age divide. Because you don’t respect their opinions. I’m not saying you need to learn to respect these specific opinions because not all opinions are created equal (and I’d certainly struggle to respect an anti-vaxxer’s views), but that, in general, romantic relationships work better when everyone involved can respect each other’s opinions and beliefs.

      That said, for the future, I think you should think about how far you’re willing to bend. E.g., is it crucial that your future partner be an atheist like you, or are you okay with someone who’s religious but otherwise pro-science? etc.

      1. Espeon*

        This. Respect is vital in a romantic relationship.

        My fiancé is an atheist, I am what you – and many others – would describe as a bit ‘woo-woo’. I mean, 100% vaccinate your children for goodness’ sake(!), but I am deeply spiritual (including crystals, angels etc etc). Our differences don’t matter because we respect each other, and one another’s right to believe what feels right and good to them, in addition to our deep and fun love. We have discourse about these things sometimes because it’s interesting, but there’s no malice or insinuation that “if you believe X you’re stupid.” … if you feel even a hint of the latter toward her, you need to let her go…

      2. Triplestep*

        Yup, this. I would say it’s a bit of both, actually – the divide and the disrespect – but mostly the latter. The OP is just oozing with it. I can’t imagine how you get to the sex part when it’s clear you’re hardly able to tolerate this person talking!

        So that you can respect *yourself*, I would just make sure this person in on the same page you are; that the sex makes all else worth it. I’m hoping they could be writing a post somewhere about the “drawbacks” of dating someone who rigidly believes in science!

    3. fposte*

      I don’t think I could as a life partnership, especially if I were in your line of work; I think there’s got to be some mutual respect that this would make difficult in both directions. But I will say I’ve found there’s often a correlation between people’s interest in alternative approaches and their open-mindedness about humanity in a way I could stand to emulate sometimes. If you’re looking for a path around the things you dislike to some greater respect for your date, maybe that’s one?

    4. Kj*

      Sorry, but likely yes. I get it- I’m an atheist and I am thankful to have a husband that is also an atheist. I was super-proactive on dating sites in rejecting men who identified as religious because I knew it would end badly. If you really are biting your tongue, break up now, before you are more attached.

    6. the gold digger*

      I think so. My husband and I do not agree on politics (left vs libertarian), on religion (agnostic vs pissed-off Catholic), or on bedtime (night owl vs early bird), but we both think anti-vaxxers are idiots, that by definition, “Western medicine” is “medicine,” and that the earth is round. You can overcome a lot of differences, I think, but not your fundamental views of how the world works.

    7. Kat*

      I would suggest you might be better off being doomed, to be honest. Enjoy the sex and then move away from the anti-vax!

    9. BlueBloodMoon*

      Doomed. The number one predicter of failure is disdain and how can you not end up having disdain (if you don’t already). I’m data driven too and eventually these people end up in my “you’re an idiot” column…but in the mean time, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship for what it is.

      1. Espeon*

        *Enjoying the relationship for what it is AS LONG AS they’re both aware of what that is and are both okay with it.

    10. Snark*

      ….Sorry. But….yeah. I dated a very woo-natic type once, and it did not go well. The sex can be rad, but you lose respect for their judgement and intellect, and you can’t sustain it.

    11. Reba*

      Not helpful, but you could certainly pitch a sitcom about it!

      But yeah, if you cannot honor or at least enjoy partner’s hobbies and belief system(s), you’re on the road to contempt, the great relationship killer. FWIW I am open to a great deal of woo but I think Dr. Oz is a vile unethical shill and don’t get me started on Food Babe.

    12. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Probably, yeah. I’m the same type of person as you and I couldn’t deal with the anti-vax thing in particular.

      I heard a little nugget of advice somewhere (Dan Savage maybe?) that a relationship can still be considered a success even if it doesn’t last very long. Be honest (with your partner and with yourself), enjoy your time together, and don’t end things in a jerky way when it’s time to move on.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        A related nugget: a friend of mine posted on Facebook a few months ago about how there was some benefit in every relationship she’s had, even the ones that ended badly – she got introduced to a new band or author, or met some new people she’s still in touch with, or learned a few words of a new language, or got to visit a new city… I like that attitude!

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      I also think you’re doomed, unfortunately. Enjoy it while it lasts, though!

      (You might also enjoy the book Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything? by Tim Caulfield. It’s a great examination of celeb “science” and that kind of stuff.)

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        I really wanted to like that book, and it was definitely interesting, but overall I thought the writer was just far too smug. (My book club agreed – we call this “the book that killed book club” because no-one could get through it in time, so we cancelled that meeting and never quite got restarted. We’re rebooting in a couple of weeks, after over a year of inactivity!). I liked Bad Science by Ben Goldacre a lot more.

    14. Starley*

      Long term, yes, this is doomed. If you want kids, how is the inevitable vaccine talk going to go? You want to protect your child, she thinks you literally want to put them at risk of long term disability or death. Imagine you are medically incapacitated, and it’s up to your partner to make treatment decisions on your behalf. How comfortable does that idea make you feel? I think different religious beliefs can work most of the time, but when you wander away to disagreeing on how the physical world operates you’re firmly in irreconcilable differences territory.

    15. Lissa*

      Oh man, this reminds me of my good friend’s partner who I like but every so often I just think “…I really hope you’re not an anti-vaxxer.” She’s super nice but highly woo.

      I agree with the others – if you really don’t respect their beliefs at all I think you are doomed. Opposite belief relationships can work, but I think there needs to be a level of at least understanding/respect on a basic level. And it’s good to know that about yourself! For instance I’m liberal but could date a fiscal conservative, but not a social conservative – too emotional and at odds. I am agnostic but could date someone who was religious or atheist as long as they weren’t pushing it on me. Could date a vegetarian happily but probably not long term live with a raw food vegan, etc. (of course I say that and a year from now it’ll be like, I left my partner for vegan Ted Cruz or something.)

    16. MsChanandlerBong*

      I wouldn’t be able to stand it, but maybe you can! The Food Babe/Dr. Oz thing is where I would lose my mind, especially if the person was always waxing on about “chemicals” in food and drinks. Yes, there are real concerns about processed foods and their effects on our health, but the second someone starts harping about “chemicals” is usually when I reach for my blood-pressure medicine. Doubly so if the person tried to tell me, as many have, that I could cure my kidney disease with essential oils, herbs, or black seeds.

    17. Be the Change*

      Not doomed. But something’s gonna give.

      I used to be a devout Xtian, and my husband is a scientist. We were amusing ourselves once by, uh, discussing things, and he was reaaaaalllly scraping on Xtians. I said, “Well, ya married one, they can’t be that bad!” and he actually.shut.up. for a moment.

      Now, all that said, the key word here is, I *used* to be devout. Ultimately, I had to decide that my marriage was more important than my religion. So… I still miss it. However, my husband values and respects me and depends on me and is grateful for me.

      As others have said, your *respect* is the key. If you cannot *respect* your partner, then please end it now.

    19. Casuan*

      We were doomed the moment Gwyneth won the Oscar over Cate Blanchett for Elizabeth.
      Finally I could accept that Shakespeare in Love won for best picture, although I’ve never gotten over the Best Actress winner.
      Even Dame Judi Dench’s win for about eight minutes of screen time couldn’t make up for that…

      Our downfall continues with Dr Oz having a show…
      then Gwyneth persists for our eventual demise…

      I’m sorry. I don’t see how we can get out of this. We are doomed.

      :::making a martini to help me contemplate this further:::

    20. Gaia*

      You’re doomed but not because of the differences. Instead it is your clear, and obvious, disrespect for this person. It is one thing to not agree with them. It is another thing to clearly not respect that they have a different approach to life.

      To be fair, some things don’t deserve respect (vaccinate your kids, people!) but simply being spiritual and having crystals and following natural healing? Eh, that isn’t what I do but I have a few people in my life that follow that path and they are still good and wonderful people that I love and respect.

    21. Emily*

      I think I’m a similar type as you and I cringed reading your description of this person, so…yeah, you’re probably doomed. As others are saying, you don’t have enough respect for this person’s views to make it work long-term.

    22. fort hiss*

      You’re doomed… I think you could handle some woo-silliness for the relationships sake, but anti-vaxxing beliefs? You probably know how harmful those are. Can you really ignore that forever?

    23. PickyD*

      Could you just hang out for the sex? Nothing wrong with that!

      My guess is you’re doomed. I’ve had friendships dissolve on just one of the differences you’ve listed. I can’t imagine forever with someone who has so many… opposite thoughts.

  28. Nervous Accountant*

    I had a better week this week. Have gone 11 days w/o a Xanax…I do miss the deep refreshing sleep I got from taking it though. I have a lingering cough and it only hurts a little when I sneeze or cough, and I’ve gone about 3 days w/o taking any OTC meds. Had the starts of what I thnk is panic attack but it stopped quickly. Just been missing my dad a lot these last few days.

    I saw an ad for better talk therapy. I entered my info and got matched up but haven’t paid yet. Anyone tried it? Is it worth it? Any drawbacks to it? It’s certainly more convenient and cheaper than traditionally going to an office.

    1. Reba*

      You’re talking about BetterHelp?

      My relative who is a clinical psychologist said they were pretty impressed by the online therapy chat one of their clients used (they brought in transcripts).

      Do report back please if you do it!

    3. Catherine from Canada*

      I’ve been working with a therapist on Better Help for about six months now. I’m really happy with it for a bunch of reasons.
      1. I can ponder on what she’s said and reply at my own pace instead of having to be quick enough to respond in the hourlong session.
      2. It’s _way_ cheaper.
      3. It fits my schedule; I work full-time and run a retail store. I don’t have time to go see someone!
      4. It’s private. I don’t particularly want anyone in my life to know that I’m talking to a therapist.
      5. It’s working. Things are changing.

  29. Wobbly Public Speaker*

    I’m a social, outgoing person who finds it easy to introduce myself to people and tell stories. I’m very people oriented and growing up I was in theater. So it’s odd that I get a physical stage fright to public speaking if its in front of a group of ten or more people (ten seems to be the magic number). It happens in situations where I have to prepare a presentation for college or work, and both times it has happened I was not nervous ahead of time. But as I was talking my legs started to wobble and the wobbly-ness slowly moves up my body ultimately my voice starts wobbling.

    It’s very distracting and I can’t make it stop, so by the time my voice is shaking I am nervous because I feel out of control of my body and both times I had to physically sit down and complete my presentation sitting. The most recent time happened was about two months ago and I was so frustrated/disappointed in myself and confused, and its actually caused me to have a slight PTSD for talking in front of other groups and when I conducted a training (that I’ve done before without issue) I started to get really nervous beforehand because I was worried I’d have physical reactions to speaking.

    I’ve tried toastmasters, but I need something more structured. The only other thing I can think of is a speech coach but that may be really expensive. Has what I described ever happened to anyone else? And if yes, how did you combat it? I know there will be increasing opportunities for public speaking in my work role and in life in general but I’m worried about having another wobbly episode.

    1. nep*

      I am super uncomfortable with public speaking. But. The handful of times I’ve done it with no apprehension at all and when things flowed beautifully — I had something I had researched deeply, something I really cared about conveying. So the focus was on ‘I feel strongly about this (or find it fascinating) and I can’t wait to convey it to people’ rather than on ‘oh damn I’ve got to talk in front of all these people.’
      I get that some topics will be more interesting than others — but if you can find a nugget, something unique that you care about or find really interesting and build on that, it could help.
      For what it’s worth.

      1. Wobbly Public Speaker*

        So that is what is so weird about this happening, both times I was very prepared, I knew exactly what I was going to say and they were both things that I found very interesting and was excited to tell the group. I notice that if I’m in a large group I can talk off the cuff super easily, and tell an entire story, but maybe it has something to do with the memorization part of it that throws me off?

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Hoo boy, can I relate. I grew up in the theater like you, performed all of my life, started singing in elementary school. Then I started singing seriously in college. I have been a choral singer for over 30 years now; it’s my primary hobby and a huge part of my life. But I can’t sing solos. I have TRIED. In musical theater? Sure. But classical? It’s devastatingly hard for me. Around my sophomore year I developed the wobbly stage fright you describe. And I really enjoyed singing solo pieces, which I did pretty regularly all through college, even as my breath gave out and my legs trembled. I was told after a recital that I should never wear trousers on stage again.

      When I was 32, I went on a chorus tour and was asked to perform a solo. I talked to my therapist at the time and he recommended that I try Inderal, a beta blocker, which is prescribed specifically for performance anxiety. I talked to my GP and got the prescription and it was, honestly, the best thing I could have done. The nerves were still there and I was a little shaky, but I didn’t have the overwhelming physical reaction I had before. I only took it when needed (i.e., before performances) and it really did work wonders. I have only sung solo once since then, at a friend’s wedding, and for that I didn’t take any drugs but I did lean hard against a pillar, which helped a lot. :)

      I know medicine isn’t the answer for everyone, but if you foresee this happening again, it’s worth a shot. In addition to talk therapy, that is. The root of stage fright/performance anxiety is, I believe (and certainly for me), rooted in general anxiety. So if counseling is available to you, you might want to try some sessions and get some exercises that will help.

      1. Wobbly Public Speaker*

        Thanks so much for the advice, it sounds like we have very similar symptoms! It’s so weird for me to wrap my head around because I’m not a shy person at all, so I’m baffled where it comes from. One thing that I’ve been doing covertly is making sure I have a chair available when I present, so I can easily just sit down if needed and pretend that I was planning on doing it all along.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          It’s so odd, because as a performer, you never expect those nerves! In my case, it’s mostly because singing requires so much thought and physical effort, and it generates so much criticism (good and bad). What I mean is… when I was acting, I knew my role, I embodied my character, I had my lines down. The performance part was pretty easy. I got nervous, sure, but nerves kept me on my toes. When I sing, I have to think about breath placement, how certain notes feel, whether they’re right or wrong, whether I’m flat or sharp, AND the meaning of the lyrics I’m singing. Add to that my own confidence; I was a very confident actor and knew that I was always pretty good at it (for a complete amateur, anyway), but as a singer, I know that I have a nice voice and I know that I sing well, but I will always do something that someone out there would have done differently.

          When I present at work, I go through a lot of the same emotions. Am I prepared enough, do I know my topic cold, can I get these people on my side? I used to present a single study to clients all over the east coast, and by the time I’d done ten of those presentations, it was a breeze. No wobbles, no nerves, ever. But just starting out is HARD. Someone will always ask a question I’m not quite sure how to answer.

          So maybe that will help you sort out some of the mystery. :) No matter why you wobble, it’s uncomfortable to wobble! Just know that you’re not alone. You may have to try a few methods, but I hope you find one that works really well.

    3. Helpful*

      I get that for the first 2-3 minutes, then I’m in a better zone after that. Try mindfulness ahead of time and focus on calm breathing. In the moment, perhaps focus on the front row or a certain part of the room for a minute as if they were the whole audience. Then catch your stride. Just a few quick thoughts, I hope this helps!

      1. Wobbly Public Speaker*

        Thank you, Helpful. Just to clarify, do you feel the nervous feeling and it eventually dissipates as you are talking? And – Besides breathing, is there a “knock it off?” mantra you give yourself, or does it just happen naturally?

        1. Helpful*

          It wears off as I become more comfortable — I think my nervous system realizes I’m not actually under a threat and gives me a break. I focus most on my materials, which distracts me from my nerves.

          It’s happened consistently enough that I can now say, “It’ll wear off, ignore it” instead of freaking out that my voice is shaking.

    4. Lissa*

      Good luck! I am your opposite. I have always been comfortable up in front of a crowd, but meeting new people one on one is terrifying for me! I wish I could meet everyone by giving a speech. Too bad we can’t combine our powers…. the only thing that has really worked for me in my case is turning off my brain and pretending to be another person. Which is easy to do because I’m a nerdy roleplayer.

    5. Jules the First*

      I was just listening to Happier in Hollywood’s latest episode which is about public speaking and the expert recommended at-home hypnosis tapes…which might be an affordable starting point?

    6. Finally a Fed*

      I get nervous right before I have to speak in public – even for things as innocuous as having to introduce myself (name and title only) in a large group of people. I think it’s a carry over from having quite a severe lisp as a child and being made fun of. One thing that I read once that helps me somewhat with presentations, is that the physical signs of nervousness and excitement are very similar, and that instead of trying to overcome the feelings (and telling yourself to “knock it off”) you should embrace the feelings as excitement. So my mental prep now as I start feeling those physical signs of nerves is pumping myself up for my presentation – e.g., “I’m excited to share this information with this group”.

      I’m like others above also, I’m much better off when I’m very familiar with the content and I will usually (but not always) shake the nerves after the first few minutes. I almost always practice a presentation out loud several times and try to make it conversational, as though I’m talking to one person, rather than just memorization of content. Over time and practice and many presentations, things have gotten better as I’ve become more confident. However, I recently gave a short (15 min) presentation to a group of about 100 strangers and my voice and hands shook the whole time – I felt NERVOUS. The feedback I received from colleagues and management is that it was one of my best presentations yet (and no one noticed the nerves). I think there’s something to be said for having a little nervous energy to keep your presentations energized. I have a colleague that never appears to get nervous, but honestly, sometimes they just come across as bored.

    7. voice*

      I see a speech coach for different issues but it’s about $70 in my expensive NE city. We started once a week but now it’s less frequent but I know they see some people only when they need to do a presentation/play/speech.

    9. Nic*

      I learned this for test anxiety, but I suspect it can be adjusted as needed for this.

      Name your anxiety; McKenzie for example. Allow yourself to hang out and talk to your anxiety for X period of time before you have to Do The Thing. Then, tell McKenzie that you understand they’re trying to be helpful, but right now you need them to leave you alone. Goodbye.

      Something about personifying the anxiety, sitting with it for a bit, then saying goodbye helps for me.

      You mentioned memorization as well. I do HORRIBLE if I’m trying to memorize, so usually I’ll give myself an outline with some statistics or eloquent turns of phrase called out, but mostly allow myself to free-form what I’m saying.

      I hope these help!

    10. I’ll be Lucretia*

      I have the same thing. I am fairly extroverted, comfortable talking to just about anyone, did lots of theater when I was young. But I can be talking to a group – anywhere from three people to a large room-full – and my voice will start to quaver. It gets so shaky that it sounds like I’m crying or about to cry. I ended up needing to sort of fake pauses so that I can take big breaths of air. I can feel totally confident, totally un-nervous about what I’m saying, but once this physiological reaction kicks in, that doesn’t matter. The thing I’ve found that helps – but it’s impossible to guarantee this – is to make everyone laugh. If I (“accidentally”) say something funny and everyone laughs, it just resets the whole thing and I’m fine after that. Sorry, this is far from a reliable fix, but maybe just thinking about it will distract you a bit the next time it happens?

  30. Mimmy*

    My brain has been on overdrive!!! Between 1) the shooting in Florida, 2) legislation that could negatively impact the disability community passing the House, and 3) lots of back-and-forth career conundrums, I’ve been thinking and thinking, and thinking some more, lol.

    I’d say it’s time for some self-care. Thank goodness for a 3-day weekend.

    1. Thursday Next*

      I’m so upset over the shooting I can’t even muster up words about it. And this administration’s undisguised attack on disability rights and programs is so profoundly at odds with the values I consider American or just plain human. So I’m gonna try to self-care in solidarity with you.

  31. Understandably Anon*

    Pelvic Ultrasounds – looking for advice, and a little ranting too.

    I was scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound this week (third in the last year) for a monitoring conditon. I had to stop on my way and pee because I was not going to make it, so I had to cancel the appointment, reschedule, etc. Can I drink less water, or something?

    Feel free to skip this paragraph if you know this or it squirms you out. Pelvic ultrasound for cis women: two hours before appointment start drinking water, so that you’ve consumed 36 oz by 1 hour before your appointment time. Don’t pee. Get transvaginal ultrasound (I have a friend who calls it the dildo cam), get off table, put on pants, go down the hall to pee, come back, get back on table and get the sensor over the outside qof your pelvis. (Like on a TV show.)

    The first two times I did this I was a wreck by the time I went in, sweating, pain, etc because I had to pee so bad. (I’ve had 2 kids, btw.). This week I had to get off the freeway and go into a McDonalds to pee. Wasn’t going to be able to hold it, especially getting on a table and opening my legs for the ‘wand’.

    I asked the scheduler if I could drink less and was met with a ‘this is the way the test works. Women do it all the time, your Dr ordered it for a reason’. I feel like if me had to do this it would be more advanced by now. Ugh.

    Any advice, or tactics to not have this be a nightmare experience/crap shoot each time?

    1. fposte*

      My experience is pretty similar; one doctor’s office did tell me, when my appointment got delayed, that I could “decompress” a little in the bathroom if I had to. (I was told 48 ounces, btw.) Definitely wear a pad.

      I would love to know from an in-the-know tech how fudgeable this is. How degraded is the picture with people who took only 24 oz., for instance?

    2. nep*

      When I had this, the receptionist who checked me in told me to feel free to go to the bathroom and release a bit — that it wouldn’t mess up the exam. What a relief.
      Anyway, I feel for you. I really don’t have any advice…except maybe ‘clandestinely’ (!) release a little? I wasn’t going to (though I felt awful), but the receptionist suggested it.

    3. Temperance*

      I’m wondering if, instead of you drinking the water before you drive there, you can get to the ultrasound place early and drink there, and just read a book while you’re waiting?

      Schedulers aren’t really helpful when it comes to stuff like this – they have little to no actual medical training.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I wonder if it would be worth it to camp out in the lobby/office until the appointment? Get there two hours before, drink your water, then go in when it’s time. It would at least save you having to drive there with a full bladder. You’d be able to just sit there and not have to move.

    5. Enough*

      I have peed and had no problems. And I did find that as I got older and had more kids it didn’t take as much to feel full. For the vaginal ultrasound you don’t always need to drink that much, depends on doctor, what they are looking for. I suggest you try for 32 oz and start a little later. You could probably start closer to the hour mark if you drink the water quickly. The worst that happens is they have to schedule for another exam if they don’t get a good enough view.

    6. small bladder anon*

      If it were me, I’d just drink less and lie and say I drank the whole amount. I don’t know if I have a small bladder or what, but I pee pretty frequently and one 20 oz waterbottle has me in pain from having to go. If I drank 36 oz in 1 hour, there is NO WAY I would make it another hour without peeing. At this point, you’re already having to cancel because you pee too early, so what’s the worst that can happen? They say your bladder doesn’t look full enough, so they cancel anyway?

    7. Felicia*

      I recently had a bladder ultrasound similar protocol except they’re actually looking at the bladder. I almost didn’t make it. Some people can get away with drinking less some had to drink more. Try emptying your bladder as much as possible before you start filling it and you can usually empty just some of it *as long as you can start and stop * and still be fine. When I haven’t drunk enough they let me drink some more and wait 20 minutes. No real helpful advice just it’s awful for everyone . And I think it’s more flexible than they say. Usually I tell the receptionist I might accidentally make a mess of their waiting room and they try to help.

    8. Mimmy*

      Ahh I feel your pain! I forget how many ounces I was told to drink, but I did most of it on the way to the appointment. Then I had to wait to be seen–I think it ran past the appointment time–and I was DYING! I think my tech did it the opposite way: she did the outside-of-pelvis exam first, let me pee, then do the transvaginal portion. And my bladder kept filling! She said I overdid it in following the protocol. I remember at one point she was having trouble getting a good view on one side during the transvaginal portion, but it wasn’t because I’d already peed.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      “I asked the scheduler if I could drink less and was met with a ‘this is the way the test works. Women do it all the time, your Dr ordered it for a reason’. I feel like if me had to do this it would be more advanced by now. Ugh.”

      Why do people think it is okay to speak to other people in this manner. That answer has nothing informative or helpful for the patient. I wonder if that would be said to a man.

      2. Half-Caf Latte*

        Yeah. If this is the scheduler at the doctors office, I’d be letting them know how their staff speaks to people.

        If it’s freestanding radiology or at a hospital, I’d be letting the office manager/patient relations know.

    10. Going anon for this one*

      It’s interesting but my experience was the opposite. I drank my water through the afternoon, but they did the external part first, then I got to go pee (the tech was very explicit about “pee EVERYTHING out” and then the internal. It was definitely one of the least fun things I’ve ever done but the tech was good and efficient and super calm, which helped calm me down. Plus she was female, which I think helped me not be as stressed.

      I also tried holding it all afternoon but I couldn’t. I drank enough in the morning that even though I had to pee around lunch time, I was able to top myself off, as it were.

    11. Thursday Next*

      ugh, there’s a reason Liz Lemon used “transvaginal” as an insult meaning “gratuitously difficult.”

      I’d ask your doctor, not the scheduler, about the minimum you could drink. And I second the suggestion to get to the test site early if possible and drink up there. Your anxiety might be heightening the sense of urgency somewhat, and it might be easier on you if you’re not in the road with a full bladder.

    12. Thlayli*

      This is so weird – I’ve always been told I need to have a full bladder for an early pregnancy abdominal ultrasound, but an empty bladder for a vaginal one. The exact opposite of what you’ve been told. Obviously they are looking at something totally different than they look at in pregnancy.

      That said, I think you should ask the actual ultrasound tech if the specific amount and timing of liquid is necessary, or do you just need a full bladder. The first time I went for an US that I needed a full bladder for I did the same as you – followed the rules exactly and wasn’t able to make it. I’m a small person and I think those rules are written for big people because there was no way my body could hold that much water for that long. Luckily the tech was running late so I had time to refill my bladder. I told her what had happened when I went in and that my bladder might not be full enough and she said “oh don’t worry it’s not that you need to follow the rules exactly just so long as the bladder is at least half full. Then she told me my bladder was totally full anyway – this was only half an hour after I had peed. So I think those rules are more what you call guidelines.

    13. Elizabeth H.*

      Just drink less water! Or get there early and drink water there. Or go to the bathroom before the exam but only a little bit. I’m amazed they make a big deal of taking the amount so literally bc everyone processes water at different rates and it’s not like there is anything approaching a precise equation for oz of water to time = degree of good view on the ultrasound.

    14. Jingle*

      I had about 3 years of these every 8-12 weeks and it really sucked. Turns out I’m one of the people for whom the advice to drink ‘x amount’ doesn’t work – it’s not enough water to fill my bladder fully so they can ignore it and focus on my uterus. So for the first half dozen times (cause it took this long to figure this out), I’d go in having drunk the recommended amount, start having the ultrasound, get told off for not drinking enough, and either have to reschedule or be sent back to the waiting room to drink more, with the aim of squeezing me in to try again between other appointments. But squeezing another appointment in means it can be a while to wait, and it’s an unknown amount of time you have to wait, so you’re sitting there drinking as much as you can (because you don’t know how much you need and are feeling guilty for not drinking enough even though you drank the recommended amount), and trying to hold for an unknown amount of time… a couple of times I couldn’t hold it and had to go to the bathroom and then be rescheduled, and both times the receptionist told me off, loudly and publicly so everyone in the waiting room knew what I was there for and that I apparently couldn’t follow drink/pee instructions. I ended up going back to the doctor who ordered the tests and she suggested upping the amount slightly and going in to the facility an hour before and drinking it all there and then. She was also annoyed on my behalf about their behaviour and I don’t know for sure but I think she said something to someone at the practice because after that their manner changed a lot, even though it still took a few visits to figure out the right amount to drink for me for it to work properly.

    15. TootsNYC*

      Can you plan to just be there really early next time? So you’re in the office as the water moves through your system? And ask them if they can fit you in when the biology lines up, instead of the clock?

    16. Miles*

      Refusing to listen to or acknowledge concerns from the person most directly affected/closest to the situation is a huge red flag for incompetence (or at least poor job performance).

      See also the Dunning-Krueger effect.

      Basically the scheduler has no idea what ey’re talking about.

    17. PickyD*

      I’m not a doctor — but I’m married to one — so my comment is worth exactly nothing.

      Still, here’s my philosophy. Plenty of people don’t do the ENTIRE amount of water, or the ENTIRE colonoscopy prep, or whatever it is, and their scans are perfectly fine. If your scan were an emergency and your bladder was fairly empty, they would STILL do the test, and I bet they’d be able to get usable information from it.

      Recently, my daughter had an annual physical scheduled for the afternoon and was told to fast for 10 hours before, for the bloodwork. I was FURIOUS. She has a serious eating disorder and is very, very underweight and this was for an afternoon appointment. But since the scheduler didn’t know that and was working from a script, she told a very sick woman to do something that was unconscionable. (You do not want to know what I said to them, but I’m pretty sure my daughter’s file and my own file now have a note attached, and I am not ashamed.) Just because a scheduler says something, doesn’t mean it is law.

      I say to fill your bladder as much as you can without being in pain.

  32. The Other Dawn*

    I posted last weekend about a former friend who wants to be friends on Facebook after almost 20 years. I’m happy to report that I deleted the request. (I updated my post last weekend, but it was late.) It just didn’t feel right. Rather than thinking, “Hmm, I wonder how she’s doing?”, I was thinking, “Hmm, I wonder if she’s changed?” That, and the fact that I sat on the request for a week and had to ask the Internet and others for advice, speaks volumes, I think.

    So, last night my former Tenant From Hell once again tried to friend me on Facebook. Not sure why she thinks I’d want to be friends after she screwed me so badly. This is the third time she’s tried to friend me. She’s last tried following me on Instagram, but I blocked her.

    Now my questions.

    1. I’m thinking this year I want to start veggies from seeds. If I use one of those seed starter kits along with one of those seed tables that has a greenhouse cover, does it have to stay in the house until it’s warm enough? That probably sounds like a dumb question, but the whole greenhouse setup is making me think maybe it can go outside before Spring. I really don’t have anywhere to put it in the house where the cats won’t destroy it. Plus, there’s just not enough natural light.

    2. Someone said last year that there’s a berry bush people should not plant because it grows out of control. Was it blackberries? I’d love to plant berry bushes, but don’t want something that’s going to take over. Although, I have a field out back so it’s not like I’m planting them in a small space; there’s room for growth.

    3. Anyone know of any good antique stores in the CT/MA/southern VT/southern NH area that carries early American/primitives? My house was built in 1735 and I’d love to start buying some older pieces. Mainly things like cabinets, bowls and kitchen items, possibly some wooden furniture. I’m not looking for frilly antiques, like glassware, knick knacks and things like that. I’d love to have to stuff I can actually use or sit on. We found two big stores (multiple dealers) we like in Sturbridge, MA, and I’d love to find more stores like them. Oh and if anyone wants to see the stuff we got last weekend I posted on my blog. Just click on my name and it’s the first post. (I was raving about my wooden spoons on here last weekend!)

    1. WellRed*

      I bet it’s blackberries. As a kid, I knew if two different patches, and they both seemed wild, overgrown and brambly, unlike the rasberries in my yard.

    2. LNLN*

      Blackberries are very invasive and difficult (impossible?) to control. Marionberries are similar to blackberries but have no thorns and are not invasive. They were developed in Oregon, so I don’t know if they would grow in your climate, but they would be a substitute for blackberries. Good luck!

      1. DrWombat*

        Turns out sheep do great at controlling blackberries, fwiw. I know an experimental site where a whole field was taken over – they split it in half, turned sheep onto half, and a few years later you can’t tell blackberries were even there. But blackberries deserve their rep for being massively hard to control!

    3. Tris Prior*

      1. Yes, you want to keep your seedlings in the house until it’s warm enough outside not to kill them. What are you planning to start from seed? Cool-weather crops like most herbs (except basil) can go out sooner than warmer-weather crops like tomatoes and peppers. You also want to “harden them off” – once they’re a decent size and it’s warm-ish out, put them outside for an hour or two and then bring them in. And slowly increase the amount of time they’re outside, so they can gradually get used to cooler temps, and wind, and don’t go into shock from going straight from warm house to being in cooler ground full-time. (Yes, if you work outside the home this can be a huge PITA.)

      I use a grow light because my apartment doesn’t get enough natural light either. You want to put the light fairly close to the seedlings when they’re starting out, because if they are “stretching” toward a light source that is far away (like the sunlight coming through your window), they will end up tall and spindly and not strong. My light has an adjustable height, and if that doesn’t let me get the light close to the seedlings, I’ll put them on something to raise them up toward the light.

      Re the cats – I had to keep my grow light behind a door that shuts and make that room off-limits to the cat during seedling season.

      2. Yes, blackberries spread and raspberries can, too. I have a dwarf raspberry bush in my community garden bed. Thought that since it was dwarf, it’d stay put. Nope. I’m regularly pulling new shoots of it from the parts of the bed intended for other plants.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        To be honest, I’m not really sure what I’d want to start from seed. I have a 4×8 raised bed that we built last year as a test to make sure I’ll take care of it (I’m known to be a plant killer…). Since I did really well with it and things actually grew, we plan to build a second and possible third bed. Last year I bought the plants and just planted them in the bed: tomatoes, jalapenos, green peppers, pimentos, sage (which I think is perennial), and lavender. I’d love to have green beans this year, more tomatoes, possibly onions, rosemary, and basil. Not sure what else yet. I have a bunch of pots for the patio, which I can use for the basil and something else small.

        1. Natalie*

          Not everything starts well indoors or transplants well. Beans and onions do best directly sowed, and in my experience it’s hard to get tomato plants big enough at home, so I would recommend buying those as sets. Peppers transplant great, though. Peas are an excellent early crop, you can plant them as soon as you can work the soil.

          Both sage and lavender are perreniels.

        2. Tris Prior*

          OK – so, except for the onions and rosemary, those are all warm-weather crops (and rosemary is a perennial – I have not grown it myself but I believe you want to overwinter it indoors, so that might be a good candidate for a container). You don’t want to put them out until it’s reliably at least 50-ish degrees all the time including overnight (I’d wait until mid-50s for basil).

          I’ve tried starting onions from seed and it was a massive fail. I got some green onions but it never formed an actual onion underground. Try getting onion sets instead – they look like tiny little onions but are about the size of a big clove of garlic. They sprout (to give you green onions) and then they make a big onion underground.

          My best advice for what to grow came from the folks who run my community garden – grow what your family likes to eat. :)

        3. Colleen*

          We’re in the western Boston suburbs. Every time I start from seed, almost everything dies or outgrows containers before it’s warm enough to transplant. If I start late enough that things don’t outgrow containers, then it starts too late in the season.

          I’ve had the best luck buying seedlings, even from somewhere like Home Depot, in May and doing a big mother’s or Memorial Day plant-a-thon.

    4. BravoMessenger*

      Regarding the antiques have you ever been to Woodbury, CT? There are over thirty antique shops along the main stretch. It’s very popular and a lovely drive just to see the houses.

        1. BravoMessenger*

          You’re in CT? I would also check out Antiques on the Farmington in Collinsville. A bit of a hike but again lovely drive and you can walk over to Lasalle Market and Deli for lunch.

    5. Natalie*

      Could have been raspberries. I planted 3 canes in fall 2016, and by summer 2017 they had expanded to about 4’ x 10’. I think I’ll need to buy some kind of trimmer this year to keep them in line.

    6. Casuan*

      Dawn, your non sequitur post made me laugh out loud!
      There was the update, then a comment about your former Tenant from Hell, then your questions… about none of the above.
      Just wanted to thank you for the unexpected laugh.
      :-)

    7. Nic*

      Nothing useful about 1, 2, or 3, but if you don’t delete the facebook request and just don’t answer it, it stays in limbo forever and they can’t send another.

    8. Alston*

      I am a furniture maker in MA. I’ve done a bunch of reproductions of historical pieces. If you end up not being able to find antique furniture that’s in good enough condition for regular use, feel free to hit me up. I might be able to make you something that would fit the bill.

      My Instagram name is grizzzlysquid

  33. Kat*

    Hello! I’ve been a runner for a couple of years now, although I’m still pretty slow and don’t go out too often in the winter. But anyway I feel that my legs are in decent shape and my stamina has improved.

    My question is, now I want to start doing some kind of exercise for my upper body. I don’t want big muscles or anything (and doubt I’d get them!). I would like to be stronger and leaner in my arms. I’ve never been to the gym and don’t know if that’s the best option, or whether to follow YouTube videos at home (if anyone has recommendations?). I heard that using your own body weight is a good way to do it, and if so I just am not sure how often/how long etc to do this for. I do yoga, which I think helps, but it’s not quite the workout I’m looking for. Any suggestions? I am 34 and female, if that makes any difference!

    1. fposte*

      First things first: you won’t be leaner in your arms by working your arms. That’s called “the myth of spot reduction.” What you will get is stronger, and that’s good.

      I recommend two things: the website exrx dot net (look under the “Weight Training” section for instructions on developing a workout) and the You Are Your Own Gym website (and its attendant app) if you want to focus on bodyweight. (I personally think some dumbbells from Target or wherever can be a good investment too, but it’s fine to start without and go the soup-can route for a bit to see if you’re going to keep going).

      Classics like pushups are great for upper body work, but their arm focus is secondary; that being said, it’s quite possible that chest, upper back, and shoulder strength is going to benefit you as much or more than working your biceps anyway. exrx can point you to possibilities for working arms more specifically if you want more.

      1. Helpful*

        You can also use resistance bands for toning upper body on the cheap. Pushups will hit most of what you need to do; start with modified push ups and build from there. Also look up tricep pushups and dips for triceps.

      2. Kat*

        I think I just said ‘leaner’ as a thing to say without thinking about it, as I did already know that. Silly me! Running had great body side effects, and I’d like to keep that going. I don’t have any aim to lose more weight, but toning would be good. I don’t mind if it’s overall upper body strength, at all. I just feel a bit lopsided at the moment! I’ll investigate those apps/websites. Thanks!

    2. Kyleah*

      I go to a HIIT-style gym and a lot of upper body exercises use weights (dumbbells, kettlebells). TRX is also a great workout for the arms, shoulders and back (we do pull ups on the TRX). Some examples of body weight exercises that target the arms, shoulders and chest would be push ups, push up holds, and crab walk. As fposte wrote, you can’t spot reduce – you gotta work the whole body – but these exercieses will certainly strengthen and tone. And when you lose your body weight as a whole, you’ll see definition in areas that never used to exist before, including your arms and back. :) If you do attend a gym, try to go for those that offer classes with a theme (e.g. metabolic conditioning or strength training) so you don’t have to think of what/how to do it and you can also plan which classes to go for according to your target that day/week.

      Btw, I do yoga too, and as far as I know my yoga teacher (whom I met first on Youtube then I met in person and is now a friend) doesn’t do any other exercises apart from yoga and occasionally running, but her arm muscles are to die for. I don’t think it’s impossible to achieve toned arms through yoga, but I suppose one’s gotta be super serious about it and do it all the time, perhaps.

      1. Kat*

        I do yoga most days at home, but yeah, I might not be doing the right poses. I don’t need to lose any weight, but I just want to be a bit more toned, I guess! I shall look into HIIT. I’m sure a colleague does something like this. I’ll ask her.

    3. Effie, who is pondering*

      Push-ups and planks. It’s the fastest way I’ve found to tone and strengthen. I have several push-up/plank series that I used to do (should get back into it once this stupid back pain gets more bearable, actually).

  34. Future Cat Owner*

    I just gave notice at my job and will be taking home the “office “cat. However, he is not an indoor cat and was quite feral when he first began to stop by the office for food and treats. When I first started working I fell in love with him and over time, began accumulating him to human touch and he actually follows some commands. I know that when I am not there he looks for me and when I gave notice, I was asked if I was taking the cat with me (which was a yes; I was actually planning to take him home with or without permission). As someone who has never owned a cat, I was wondering what I need to prepare. Any tips would be greatly appreciated, especially if anyone also took in a former feral cat into their home.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Go to Tinykittens DOT com and poke around there. It’s a group that is working with some feral colonies, and have managed to socialize and get adopted many of them. I think they’ve got some info.

      Otherwise, the standard stuff for cats will apply – litterbox(es), scratching posts, toys, food, etc. And good for you, taking kitty :)

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      The first, and most important thing, is to take your cat to a vet. Please, do that. Learn from my (very expensive mistakes). Get the cat vaccinated, have blood work run for feline AIDs and leukemia (both are prevalent in feral/stray cats), and have the nails clipped – trust me, your thighs will thank you for that. Also, a microchip and neutering are, in my opinion, essential pet ownership responsibilities.

      After the vet visit, and you’ve got him home, be patient. Let him explore. Mine spent the first two days tucked away in a cubby of my desk and then started to venture out. She also didn’t eat much, if anything, those first few days so don’t be worried.

      I recommend that you get cat bowls (at least three: one for dry food, one for wet food, one for water).

      Litter boxes, at least two, one in the bathroom and one in the living room. Eventually the cat will tell you where he likes to pee. And a scooper! I didn’t get a scooper and had to buy one a week later and it makes a huge difference when cleaning the tray.

      If you’re concerned about him being violent or aggressive as he is previously feral, my vet recommends Feliway spray or difusor (purchased on Amazon). It’s a pheromone spray that calms them down and makes them feel relaxed. I haven’t used it myself (I accidentally bought cat nip and, seriously, don’t use cat nip spray to calm a cat down. It has the opposite effect) but my vet swears by it.

      Make sure you’ve got a cat carrier as well. You don’t want a cat in the car loose and terrified. I can only imagine that that will end badly.

      Overall though, the vet visit is the most important thing. 100%.

      Good luck with your cat. Does he already have a name?

      1. Turtlewings*

        Seconding all of this.

        I tamed and brought in three feral cats throughout my adolescence, and one thing that’s important to know is that former ferals may never be as sociable as regular domestic cats. Your cat may remain extremely skittish and fearful of strangers (or anything new) his whole life. He may be prone to extreme overeating because he grew up on the edge of starvation. He may never fully adjust to being indoors. None of which is said to discourage you, but it’s important to know ahead of time. Two of our three became at least moderately snuggly and affectionate; the third never, ever did. She would permit petting in small doses, but would not sit in your lap and permit being picked up. It sounds like your kitty may already be further along than that, but that’s an example of how former ferals may always be a little different.

        Good luck, and kudos to you for adopting the cat!

      2. Future Cat Owner*

        Thanks! He does have a carrier and hates it with a passion. He has already been neutered because the office did adopt him. But I have been slowly getting him used to human touch and now he demands to be petted. His name is Tuxie and I definitely did not think about the blood work and will get it done.

    4. Nic*

      I have a semi-feral, who oddly enough was born to one of my pets at the time. She didn’t get a lot of contact from the human (my roommate) who was her keeper, and I didn’t realize she wasn’t getting socialized. She ended up really skittish and we wouldn’t see her for months at a time.

      I ALSO have a cat I brought home from the office, and he has always been sweet and snuggly and knows commands and Wants. His. Mama! any time I’m home. So I’ll talk about the one who still acts pretty feral.

      The fact that you’ve already acclimated him to human touch and commands will be helpful. The shy one was nearly starved, so food is a HUGE motivator for her. Moving the bowl slightly closer to the door every day really helped get her in the house.

      For bringing home a new one, I’d say give him a room that’s his for the first day, if you can, with litter and food and water and somewhere to hide. Spend some time in the room with him, but also let him be alone in there. Maybe leave some dirty clothes because they’ll smell like you. After he seems comfy in that room, expand it by a room or so.

      It’ll take time, but will be worth it!

  35. WellRed*

    All of a sudden, if I comment here while on my mobile, I wind up back at the top of the page, instead of where I left off. Annoying.

      2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        I totally thought it was normal too, until yesterday’s post on the open thread about it not actually being normal at all. I feel like I actually have more of an ability to comment now, lol

    2. Triplestep*

      You may have checked the box to “Set collapse all as default site-wide” option on your mobile. Look for it right at the top of where comments start. Every time the page refreshes (including after you post a comment) the threads will all collapse if you have this box checked.

  36. I'm A Little TeaPot*

    Dad wants to retire. Dad is one of those men who will retire, sit down, and die. Mom is not thrilled with this prospect. When dad does retire, they will be selling their house and moving closer to me, adult child. They will likely not have the money/credit rating to buy a house (ie, get mortgage), and will not have cash to buy a house. In fact, money is a real problem overall, even now. Mom REFUSES to rent. Dad getting part time work is very unlikely, as he has dementia. Mom’s health isn’t great either.

    So, rock and hard place. Anyone got a magic wand they can lend me?

    1. Helpful*

      It sounds like renting would get them a place and also allow flexibility for the next move (assisted living, etc.). I understand the financial argument against it, but since they don’t have tons of money/can’t qualify for a mortgage it’s a moot point. I would make the argument from a “flexibility and not having to worry about repairs/maintenance/upkeep” standpoint. There’s a real value in someone else fixing the AC or leaking toilet! Can you appeal to those points?

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        Unfortunately, logic is not entering into this. Almost everything is driven by emotion, and sis and I have had no luck getting mom into a therapist to help her work through them. Basically, they’ll go along with the status quo until someone or something makes it change, then everyone will be unhappy. There is really nothing I or anyone can do.

        Lessons: please make good financial decisions so you have good options when you’re old and can’t work. Please be willing to go to therapy to work through emotional crap. and please, please get rid of excess crap so your adult children don’t have to deal with it at some point.

    2. Natalie*

      If they can’t buy a house and refuse to rent, where are they going to live? I feel like there’s an unspoken assumption that they’re going to live with you? In which case, you don’t have to convince them otherwise to refuse. You can just say no to this request.

      With dementia and other health problems, maybe some kind of assisted living is in order?

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        Yeah, I know. I think they’re aware that living with me long term isn’t going to happen (cause I’ve told them). Acceptance of reality just isn’t quite there yet. I think mom is hoping that they will be able to buy a house. Luckily, this isn’t a critical issue yet. It will work out somehow.

        1. Anono-me*

          I am concerned about your statement
          “I think that they are aware that living with me long term isn’t going to happen (cause I ‘ve told them.) “. This doesn’t sound like you are very confident that they will respect your position. I’m also concerned that they might move in with you ‘short term, just until they find a place”; and never ever leave. Please be sure that you are prepared to stay true to what you need.

          Is a sr condo an option?

          Next time they visit; can you take them to a bunch of open houses or to meet with a realtor (make sure the realtor is aware of their finances and dreams)?

          1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

            Oh, they could move in short term, I’m ok with that. The real reason they can’t stay long term is because the only shower is on the 2nd floor, and mom has a lot of trouble with stairs. She’s got an old ankle/foot injury, not fixable and arthritis is just making things worse.

            When I was looking at houses to buy, I was actually hoping for one where I could have mom and dad move in with me (and have their own space so we didn’t kill each other). That didn’t work out, otherwise it would have solved some of these problems.

            Now, I am drawing a hard line of they can’t store all their stuff indefinitely in my house. A very hard line there.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Captain Awkward would probably say you don’t need to manage their emotional reactions in advance or at all really.

      So they can’t afford to buy a house? You can (if you want) suggest they go to a bank to see how much of a mortgage they prequalify for when they want to go house shopping. Or you can not suggest it and they will end up in the same spot eventually. Then they either won’t qualify since banks are pretty strict these days or it will be for less than the house the want. Either way they have to then move on to plan B, which you make sure is not living with you.

      It’s hard but their emotional feelings about their finances aren’t yours to manage. Nor are
      their housing options. Reality will do it for you in its own not so gentle way.

    4. Colleen*

      Well…if you do. I thing, what happens? If they don’t have the cash or credit to buy a house, they won’t buy a house. They can either rent near you or stay out. Right?

  37. DoctorateStrange*

    Reading Ann Rule’s Small Sacrifices. I tried to get into Strayed’s Wild but I don’t think it’s for me. I’m fine with biographies but I have always struggled with memoirs.

    1. Lady Jay*

      If you’re interested in Wild but don’t want to read it, let me recommend the film: it was surprisingly heartwarming and compelling for mostly having one character walking throughout the story.

      1. DoctorateStrange*

        I will definitely check it out. It was actually what interested me in the book. Although I can’t help but smile now, thinking that this means I won’t get to hang out with Lorelai Gilmore.

  38. LAI*

    Has anyone here read Ready Player One? I had heard good things about it and wanted to read it before the movie came out. It sounded like something I would really like and I do like aspects of it, like the treasure hunting and puzzle solving. But the main character’s relationship with the primary female character is really putting me off. I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to these things after the #metoo movement. But he claims to be “in love” with someone he’s never met in real life, feels possessive toward her before there is any kind of relationship between them, and refuses to accept it (many times) when she says she doesn’t want to see him anymore. Did anyone else get this weird vibe from that book? I don’t know what to call it…

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I got that same weird vibe from the book, too. It’s not just you. I tried to read it and just couldn’t get through it. But take this with a grain of salt; I’m really hard to please when it comes to fiction books.

      1. Snark*

        Hell, I actually enjoy derivative, trashy science fiction as long as it’s clever and well done. My favorite sic-fi authors John Scalzi and James SA Corey, and well-executed pastiche is kind of their stock in trade. This was just a retread plot that seemingly existed to serve up “aw yeah, I got that reference to an Atari game” moments.

    2. kc89*

      I read the book and like you enjoyed parts of it like the treasure hunt and the puzzle, but I did not like the romance plot line at all. It should have been scrubbed from the book, it really wasn’t needed.

    3. Snark*

      I thought it was dreadful and borderline unreadable. I share your impression that the main character is a male wish-fulfillment Mary Sue, and not a terribly appealing one at that, and the female character was treated as a worshipful reward for him. And I just thought it was terrible overall – a barely present, standard-issue hero’s quest plot that ripped off a dozen better novels, stripped down to the bare minimum required to link an endless laundry list of self-conscious ’80s references. I gave up halfway through and just reread Snow Crash.

    4. Claire (Scotland)*

      I heard a LOT of similar critiques when the book first became popular, including from friends and reviewers I trust, so I decided against reading it.

    5. Phillipa*

      Agreed! Ready Player One has such a fabulous premise and I was so drawn in, but the writing is so off-putting! It really read to me like a misogynistic nerd fantasy.

        1. Lindsay J*

          Ugh, god. I hate that there is basically an entire genre of books you can categorize with this description.

    6. Fake Eleanor*

      I recently read it, basically because the movie was coming out. At that point I’d heard a lot of critiques of the book, treatment of the love interest role being a major one.
      And yeah. It’s hard to imagine that book being written the way it was even five years later. It’s particularly retrograde that the main character’s major sign of growth is that he can overlook her real-world appearance and see her true beauty.
      But my major issue with it was that it never acknowledges how bizarre and unhealthy it is for an entire society to essentially worship the pop culture from a 12-year span of history. It’s an intriguing premise — but the book doesn’t do anything with it. I’m Gen-X, and I can’t imagine anything sadder than my (grand)children watching WarGames enough to be able to mimic the whole movie. It’d be one thing if that were presented as part of the dystopia, but Cline basically thinks pop culture peaked in the ’80s and is fine with the idea that the future is digging into that as deep as possible.
      (It inspired me to reread The Magicians and its sequels, which remix a lot of pop culture but complicate and explore it instead of blandly celebrating it.)
      All that said, was Ready Player One fun? Sure. Was it memorable? No. It’s generational flattery — and I’m not even someone who’s big on generational clumpings.

    7. Emily*

      I’ve heard many people express that sentiment, so you are not alone!

      I read it maybe five or six years ago and thought it was…okay, but not great. I got some enjoyment out of it while I was reading but didn’t appreciate most of the references and didn’t find that the characters or story left any sort of lasting impression. (All I really remember now is that the main character was a really nerdy guy who won some stuff by knowing all there was to know about War Games and Joust.)

    8. Elizabeth H.*

      I LOVED it and it’s so not my kind of book. I never read scifi, have no interest, don’t play video games and hate virtual reality and all it represents.

      However I just thought the book was so fun and sweet and wonderful. I’ve heard people complain about the representation of female characters. I can understand why, but that didn’t bother me at all. The book uses pretty conventional narrative structure and narrative tropes, but what I say to that is that there’s a reason they are so well worn – they are timeless – look at Star Wars. Did you finish it yet? There’s some cool stuff at the end.

    10. Jen Erik*

      I enjoyed it, despite being the wrong generation to get any of the references. I don’t remember about the relationship though – you may be right and I didn’t notice. And sometimes it just is where and when you meet the book as a reader – we don’t read in a vacuum.

      I remember the book as being visual (which I usually don’t like, because I’m older) like P.J. Tracy’s Monkeewrench or Stormbreaker by Anthony Horowitz – I always think those books should make good films, because they almost read as movie novelisations.

    12. Librarian from Space*

      If you ever listen to podcasts, you should try 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back. It’s basically a book club for people who hated Ready Player One. One of the hosts is Mike Nelson, from Mystery Science Theater 3000, so it is hilarious.

    13. TGIF*

      Late to the party but I completely agree. The romance was the worst part of Ready Player One and was definitely a challenge to get through. I’m hoping the movie will tone it down a little bit and not make it so prominent.

  39. Snark*

    Welp, it’s the fifth day in a row I’ve woken up anxious at 4am. This job hunt/impending possible layoff thing is really harshing my mellow, brah.

      1. Snark*

        I’d take advice. I’m just tired of being fine all day and then running smack into a wall of exhaustion at 8pm.

        1. Natalie*

          I know this goes against all the standard sleep health advice where we’re all supposed to fall asleep in perfect silence, but I find a repeat TV show or podcast really helpful in those moments. There’s nothing worse than waking up mid-anxiety spiral, and especially since this is situational I think its fine to do something effective even if it isn’t optimal.

          Those sleep story podcasts are nice, or I like a 90s sitcom that I’ve seen before and is on Netflix. I don’t even watch it, just listen with the screen turned completely off so the light doesn’t disturb me. Since you have a bed partner I assume, get some sleep headphones so you don’t wake her up.

          1. King Friday XIII*

            When I’m having a bad night I sleep on the couch with Joy of Painting episodes shuffling through on Netflix or YouTube and it helps so much.

          2. WonderingHowIGotHere*

            I got a set of those sleep phone thingies, but took the headphone bit out and shoved it into my pillowcase because I found the headband made me too hot, and then I get Stephen Fry to read me a bedtime story (ymmv, but it REALLY works for me!). And, if you have a blue light filter on your phone with a timer to dim your screen, you won’t wake your partner if you wake again at 4am and need Mr Fry to read the next chapter.

            Seriously, whoever mandated that we need silence to sleep, never had their parents read to them as a child. It’s magical how a soothing voice, telling a familiar tale, can help to calm and distract the mind. And if we were meant to have silence, the market for “sleep sound apps” is badly misaimed!

            Sleep well, and best of luck.

          3. Triplestep*

            I do the 90s sitcoms on sleep timer with Zzzquil. I think the Zzzquil goes a long way towards keeping me asleep the whole time I want to be asleep.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          Agree with the suggestion to try listening to stuff. Sometimes distraction can be really helpful (I like sudoku for this or games like Plants vs Zombies).

          Also could you have a go at not being fine all day? Is there anything you could do in the daytime to address how worried you are or is the whole point that there’s nothing to do except wait?

          Exercise before bed to tire you out can sometimes help, but ymmv.

    2. anon today*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Today I woke up at 4am to a text message that launched me into a cycle of anxiously reeling off every bad thing I’ve ever done and every bad outcome that my life could possibly have as a result until I got up to start my day. 4am must be our brain’s bitching hour.

      1. Snark*

        Oh, I adore that. The bitching hour. Brain like, “you stupid asshole you’re gonna get laid off if you don’t find another job, get on that” and me like “oh f*ck off brain I’m tired and it’s 4” and brain like “well at least get up and find someone to argue with on the internet, someone must be wrong”

        2. only acting normal*

          I’m mildly reassured the 4am thing is not just me. :/
          I found MBCT meditation techniques help me stop the brain stew and get back to sleep (sort of an “fu brain I’m not going to listen”). I got a CD on the NHS of tracks to learn the meditation, but the Dr who designed it (Jim White) has a Soundcloud of similar (linked in my username).

      2. The New Wanderer*

        Yes! Can I please quit the waking up at 4 am from stress club? Not a fan. I had no idea it was a common thing though.

    3. DC*

      I’m with you. I’m not sleeping and I’m starting to be cranky in public as a result. (I’m job hunt/job offer decision based though)

    4. PX*

      Sorry to hear that! Think exercise might help? Physical exercise might help your body just be too tired to wake up at 4am? I know you climb, and I always found the fact that you needed to focus on the problem at hand to be a great way of getting out of your head for a while.

      Otherwise Natalie’s advice below about having something to focus on while you try and go back to sleep might help. I usually found BBC Radio4’s In Our Time to be an excellent podcast for that :’D

      Alternatively, would confronting the fear/anxiousness help? I sometimes find if I can just fully embrace/confront whatever it is thats stressing me out, that helps clear my brain. So y’know, plan out/write down/go through worst case scenarios (eg I’m laid off tomorrow!) and then work through what you would need to do, review savings, how long can I be jobless, whats an alternative source of income etc etc.

    5. Starley*

      Ugh, I’m sorry. The 4 a.m. anxiety wake-up call is the worst. After a couple of weeks I gave in and went to the doctor, who put me on prazosin and a low dose antihistamine so I was finally able to sleep a whole eight hours. I hope things get better for you. Lack of sleep makes everything in life so much harder to deal with!

    6. Overeducated*

      That stinks. Can you set yourself a specific time every day to worry or freak out? I find telling myself to stay calm and rational all the time doesn’t work, the anxiety needs an escape valve, but I can tell my brain to wait for its appointment and go back to sleep.

    8. Mrs. Fenris*

      I’ve had sleep maintenance insomnia my entire life, as in when I was 2 or 3, my mom would find me out of bed a 3 AM, matter-of-factly playing with toys. It stopped for a bit in my early 20s and came roaring back a few years later. Lack of sleep makes me so achy and foggy the next day it rises to the level of a chronic illness. Benadryl isn’t an option at 3 AM, not when it lasts 8 hours! It doesn’t work for me very consistently either. So…I don’t love this solution, not one bit, but it turns out that if I *chew up* an Ambien it works every time and leaves my system completely in 3-4 hours.

  40. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So my work isn’t exactly stable, and after my trip to Hawaii I was unexpectedly out of work for four days. This means that unless I want to starve, I’ll be a few hundred short on rent. I can’t get a payment plan because I already used one several months ago when wife was on disability and my building only allows you to do that once a year. Can’t afford the late fee.

    I will probably have to ask my parents for help, but boy, do I hate that. Shortly after I got married, they wouldn’t help me buy asthma meds even though they could well afford to and we were in a tight spot, because they didn’t like that I was queer. I have never forgiven that.

    Also, my mom is really nosy and would undoubtedly say things like, “well, you shouldn’t have vacation then!” Like I could see the future, and anyway this was the only real vacation we’ve had since our honeymoon. I also have not needed a cent from her in over two years, so I feel bad. I can’t ask the local queer community for help, since I was kicked out of the main online group of 10,000 or so for, basically, holding the moderator’s extreme view that one cannot criticize or argue with another mod of color because I have privilege. (I swear I wasn’t being a f***wad, they’re kind of nuts).

    I’ve thought of lying and saying I need money for a continuing ed class. This just does not feel good. Ugh.

    1. Nerdgal*

      So sorry about this. Have you thought about trying to get a loan through your bank or credit union? Obviously you would have to go an austerity budget for a few months to repay it, but you would avoid the parental guilt trip that way.

    3. NaoNao*

      I’ve had to ask my mom for help before, and although it’s not as extreme and awful as “she doesn’t like [life item]” I have to suffer through a long lecture about financial responsibility every time. Fortunately, I haven’t had to ask in a couple years, but ugh.
      Maybe you could point out that this shortage is a result of the no-work days? I assume the vacation was bought and paid for ages ago, and included stuff like non-refundable tickets, etc.

      As an absolute last resort, you might be able to go to court “against” the building and explain your situation, including the spouse with disability, and get a special circumstances agreement (basically, it allows the building to bend the rules and do a payment plan with you because you followed the letter of the law, while still letting the building retain the right to evict you if you break the payment plan). So you’d have to wait for them to file papers and then show up in court on that date and defend/explain it.

    4. Dan*

      I realize that this doesn’t help you at the very moment, but when you get through this rough patch, I think you need to take a second look at how you manage your finances. If you don’t, I suspect you’ll find yourself in a similar predicament in the future.

      I know you said you were out of work unexpectedly, but I don’t recall what it is you do, and what the potential is for disrpuption to your paycheck.

      What also matters is how much credit you have access to, and what it costs you to borrow from it.

      What I’m getting at is that if life happens and you need to hit your line of credit for $1k and can pay it back in the next month or two, then whatevs.

      But if you have no credit, and family is a pain, then I think you need to retake stock of your fincial situation, especially if the loss of $1k unexpectedly will really mess your life up.

      Options if you’re desperate: Ask your boss for an advance on your paycheck. 2) Pay day loan. (Not saying I recommend either, but paying rent is paying rent.)

      1. fposte*

        I had thought overcaffeinated had said she was a lawyer–I’m guessing it’s something like a doc review pool?

        Overcaffeinated, what about your wife and her family? I can’t tell from what you’re saying if she’s still on disability, so does she have money coming in? And might her family be able to help?

    5. ..Kat..*

      Do you have any local food banks? If you are a member of a church, they will often help. Some congregations will help with a bag of food even for non-members.

      Please don’t do pay day loans. They are an expensive way to get deeper and deeper into debt.

      Are there any organizations in your city that offer utility (or other) payment assistance?

      Can you save some money by drastically turning down your heating for a month or two (and wearing coats and thick fleece clothes)?

      1. JayeRaye*

        Second the food bank idea. Also, if you’re in the U.S. call 211. It’s the United Way number, and they have programs to help. Good luck!

    6. Been there*

      I would not lie and I surely wouldn’t open myself up to asking someone for money who has openly expressed disdain for my lifestyle. To me stable housing > food so I would take the money I have and pay rent. Everything else, including eating, would take a backseat. If your other bills are not in arrears, then being late on them is not going to result in tragedy. As for food: I would eat what I have in my pantry-noodles, rice, peanut butter, water to drink. Going a month without meat or fresh fruit is doable to me. Have any restaurant gift cards to places that allow take out? I would scrounge for change and either roll it and take it to the bank (the person not working has time for that) or exchange it at one of those change machines. If I purchased something and not used it, I would see if it is returnable for cash. I would take clothes to a consignment shop for cash. I would donate plasma. Food bank. Samples at the grocery store.
      Experience: in your situation after divorcing the man my family told me not marry; made irresponsible decisions with money; kept rent current and 3 kids fed without borrowing money from my parents. Being personally hungry did not kill me but did drive me to making smarter financial choices and I kept my dignity.

  41. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’ve had a hard week. There was some drama at The Place we Do Not Mention on Weekends and I realized 1) how much my life has been screwed up in a practical sense by my tumultuous work history (money, unpredictably) 2) how much of my self-image is tied to career (and how devastating and stressful it’s been to not have that go as planned) and 3) that there are certain behaviors I feel powerless to change. I won’t go into details on the behaviors but I think just realizing that is really important. I want very badly to be a good person and good at what I do and it’s pretty devastating to me when I feel like I can’t make it happen.

    Doing good on exercise, I biked to work twice this week and did the bodyweight exercises I’ve started doing on the non-biking days about half the time.

    I’m still struggling with social situations. The one friend I see the most frequently is really great and supportive but he’s also cynical and negative in ways that line up with my tendency to be those things too, and so I have to be careful, because on the one hand I feel like I can honestly discuss my experiences with him but on the other hand it’s easy for us to pull each other down the negativity rabbit hole. We both have similar mental health issues–trauma, social anxiety, a tendency to hole up with depression, anxious energy that sometimes borders on hypomania.

    Other social situations still feel overwhelming. I’m supposed to go to brunch and then go see a movie today and it’s scaring me but everyone involved is very kind and understanding and I think I should try being honest with the people I’ll be seeing about how hard it’s been for me.

    I also started biting my nails again, which I had successfully stopped by painting them but I didn’t have the time or energy to paint them these last few weeks. So it’s something I need to do this weekend. Maybe I’ll start looking into getting manicures (not fake nails though, they would make it hard to type and work on my bike and all).

    How are you doing?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so sorry you’ve had a hard week. I think it’s really good that you’re aware of how your friend affects you and the boundaries you’d like to have there.

      I am a nail biter when I don’t feel so great. Manicures are helpful whether it’s polish or those gel nails. I share your non-desire for fake nails! Also other fiddly things help me like chewing gum or messing around with a bit of blu-tack.

      I’m always amazed by your self-reflection and I really hope you can be kind to yourself about all the things that are hard for you.

      I had my annual review and it went well, and in general I’m doing okay, although I’ve been skipping yoga (the only exercise I have the energy for) and something seems to be messed up with my meds right now. I’m coping much better with change, which is a big thing for me at work.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        And I totally forgot to mention the thing that has been stressing me out all week!

        Friend calls me and I miss it as my phone is on silent. She then messages me. I open it in case it’s an emergency with her kid or something. She is asking: am you free as she’s in Llamaville (where I live) with an hour to kill. It’s WhatsApp so she can see I’ve opened it so I can’t just wait to reply. I reply saying no sorry, I’m not free. She says that’s a shame as she’s outside the front door.

        Which triggered major social anxiety, guilt and stress. Because I still said I wasn’t free but I felt so guilty and also frustrated. I never just turn up as I think it’s rude and presumptuous to assume someone won’t mind and because I have social anxiety. But I also have a chronic illness and I can’t just spend my energy on unplanned things – if I had seen her I wouldn’t have then coped with going out later as planned.

        So I spent the next few hours beating myself up for being unable to just answer the door and also feeling really upset that someone could think that was ok (even though it’s not objectively terrible I guess). I am not going to try to explain – I don’t have the energy for it.

        2. Someone else*

          I completely agree Friend did a jerk thing. You had other later plans and it’s not cool to show up at someone’s door unannounced, especially when they’ve not responded to previous message, and basically just demand to be entertained for an hour. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

        3. RestlessRenegade*

          I think that was rude of her–even if I thought it was okay to show up at someone’s house without asking first (unlikely unless we discussed it previously), if they said they weren’t available, I’d say “Ok, no problem!” And LEAVE. Not tell them I was outside. If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t do anything wrong.

        4. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks all. I was scared to look at the replies in case you all thought I was a terrible person. I was ok with her asking if I was free but saying she was outside the front door after I said no? Really not fair.

        5. Thursday Next*

          I know some people enjoy participating in a “just drop by” culture, but it’s got to be mutual. Does your friend know you’re not into spontaneous visits? Was she apologetic/breezy—like, “I was just around and thought I’d see if you were around/up for a visit. I’m sorry to have missed you—catch up soon!” Or was she guilt tripping you?

          It sounds like you’re being hard on yourself about this. But you acted totally reasonably.

    2. Elkay*

      I’ve had a bad week, this might be a bit of an outpouring but I don’t have anyone I can talk to in real life about this. This week was the anniversary of a friend’s death and I’ve felt unsettled all week. I can never figure out if this is normal or I’m being overly dramatic. It happened when we were children over 20 years ago but it’s still a big thing in my life. I accidentally came across a website with memories of the town I grew up in and one memory mentioned my friend’s death and annoyed me in a way I can’t put into words, maybe because I felt they weren’t close enough to share that. Logically I know it’s their memory and it was just bad timing that I saw it this week.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m glad you felt able to post here and so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s not overly dramatic, and it is very common, to be affected by a loss years after it happened whether it’s on particular dates (like an anniversary) or at random.

        Even if it wasn’t common, you feel what you feel and that is valid. But it is very normal, just for the record. Also, experiencing a loss as a child means it happened at a time when you were less equipped to deal with it.

        It’s okay to feel annoyed. I’m so sorry for what you are going through and for your loss. Please try to kind to yourself.

      2. DC*

        I’m sorry that happened to you. That can be really hard. I learned this year that people expect you to be fine after a loss faster than it actually happens- be it a few months or years. Let yourself grieve.

        I’ve had an awful week. I’m really struggling in a number of areas, but they all tend to be related to the W word. My current place has really tanked my mental health and confidence, and as a result I’m finding myself crippled deciding if I should take a job I was offered or not.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        You are normal. Some griefs never leave us, they change form perhaps they shift to a longing or a sense of melancholy as the years roll by, but they don’t ever fully go away.

        It’s okay to continue to miss your friend and to be sad about losing this person. If you need to cry, then cry. You are a human being with normal human emotions. You have the added layer of this event happening when you were growing up. Losses in adulthood might seem like they do not hit as hard as this loss. You know, the stuff that we see growing up can impact us for the rest of our lives. I think it’s supposed to shape us and shape our thinking.

        As you are saying here, grief is not always logical. Remember that feeling annoyed and acting annoyed are two different things. If you dashed off an angry letter to the person commenting on your friend’s passing that might not be too cool. However, sitting in your home and feeling annoyed is a benign thing, it hurts no one. Feel the feeling. We are allowed to have feelings.

        I am sorry for your loss. I don’t know why we lose young people. I have never understood it. I am not sure I ever will.

        1. Elkay*

          It wasn’t close to angry letter territory :) It was more a jolt of “these people don’t need to know about this, it’s not your story to tell” but of course it’s that person’s story as much as it’s mine.

      4. ..Kat..*

        Can you do something to commemorate your friend? For example, if you both liked to play a certain board game (say Monopoly), can you buy the game and donate it to a local homeless shelter? Or if you both liked playing with dolls, can you donate some dolls to a local charity for children? Something like this that you do every year at this time in her memory?

        1. Elkay*

          I make sure there are flowers on her grave on her anniversary and birthday. I don’t feel comfortable with any other public memorial actions.

    3. Red*

      I’m probably at the beginning of a manic episode. Just spent about a grand on stuff I don’t need and impulsively got my nose pierced. This will not bode well for my schoolwork or wallet, and I’m prone to psychosis when manic so yeah… Tried to move up the psychiatrist appointment and couldn’t, so hopefully my doc makes time or just sends a prescription when she reads my email because this can’t wait until the end of March!

      1. Red*

        Oh yeah, yesterday I walked into my therapist’s office expecting to talk about a life issue I’ve been having, which we talked about – and then she was all like “what are usually the signs that you’r heading into a manic episode?” and I’m like “uh, exactly my life rn”. So that was a fun time.

    4. caledonia*

      I haven’t spoken with my dad for over a year because he sided with his wife over me. It was something small and not overly significant and after a nice night out.

      I saw my brother today (or rather yesterday my time) and he said that my dad is basically a drunk. His wife is worse. (she is a mean drunk).
      And that makes me sad.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m so sorry, Caledonia. It can be really hard hearing about people you’re estranged from. Are you able to do anything to look after yourself right now?

        Also are you at all familiar with Stand Alone? I know I’ve discussed them with at least one person on here, but I’m not sure if it was you and I’m having no luck trying to find it through the search function so apologies if I’m telling you something you already know. They support people who are estranged from a family member and I’ve found them helpful.

        And I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

        1. Caledonia*

          It wasn’t me but thank you. I might contact them.

          And hugs to you too Ramona. It seems like things have been fairly rough for you recently and I hope things are on the way up.

          Thank you too to Junior Dev who starts these threads. Always very helpful even if I rarely comment.

      2. Elkay*

        I’m sorry you’re going through this. Do you want to be in touch with your Dad? From my own family history I know it’s a fine line to tread with sadness whichever way it goes.

  42. Backache*

    Has anyone successfully dealt with lower back pain through exercise? How long did it take? Was there something specific that helped the most?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I would see an expert before trying to do this in case you inadvertently make it worse. I have found yoga really helpful but only after having some sessions with an osteopath who helped a lot and also gave me stretches to do that helped. I also needed to adjust my workstation and get a different chair.

    2. Former VISTA*

      Keep in mind I have scoliosis and spina bifida but usually the only thing that helps is yoga that specifically focuses on your core/back. It doesn’t always get rid of the pain but it does often lesson to a bearable degree. Swimming is good too for more general exercise that doesn’t hurt my back.

    3. misspiggy*

      Lots of walking and a standing desk really helped my friend – but she only made progress once she’d got an expert assessment of which particular areas were under strain and how to exercise without worsening it.

    4. fposte*

      Totally agree with Ramona Flowers that you don’t want to fool around with lower back stuff if you haven’t had an assessment by a doctor. I’ll also add, as a back surgery veteran, that there isn’t one single lower-back template, and what helps one person may hurt another.

      That being said, for me it’s glute strength above just about everything. Lower leg strength helps too–anything that can stabilize the body weight before you get to the lower back. I find core strength to be pretty low bang for the buck, despite the commonality of it as a focus.

    5. Kyleah*

      Thirding yoga. Youtube has plenty that target back pain, upper and lower. Tight hips can also cause lower back pain. I’m not sure if I can link to things on here but in case not, look up these titles on Youtube:

      Hips Don’t Lie! – Yoga for Tight Hips & Lower Body Flexibility {60 min} – by Yoga By Kassandra
      Stretches For Low Back & Sciatica Pain Relief – Beginners Yoga – by Cole Chance on YogaTX

      I’ve done these and they really help!

      Yoga By Kassandra has a lot of yin yoga classes too. Poses are held longer in yin yoga, which helps release a lot of stresses in connective tissues. It’s not for everyone – some people are unable to hold a pose for long because it’s physically painful – but if you can, it’s amazing. It puts me in such a relaxed state I could fall asleep. Hehe. Hope you give yoga a try!

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Agree to first get this checked out by a doctor to ensure you dont inadvertently make it worse doing something you shouldn’t!

      Next – essentially just get moving. I swim a lot for overall conditioning and also walk a lot. Anything to get up and get those hip flexors and core engaged. I also weight train now specifically around the hip, glutes (I swear to god my trainer had me doing a modified Bend and Snap! with a weight bar the other week and almost started laughing in the middle of it), and the supporting muscles round the back.

      Also, stretching is excellent – cat/cow and child’s pose are absolutely excellent for stretching things out – I use them a lot. There is also one stretch above all others that makes me feel best and that is the kneeling hip flexor stretch. Hold that two minutes on each side daily and man – that does probably the most of anything for keeping the back pains at low volume.

    7. Girlwithapearl*

      Hard to say without knowing more about you. I’m seeing lots of yoga recs which can be good but I recently also had lots of lower back pain and my chiro said I’m doing too much yoga and not enough Pilates– basically if your hips are naturally flexible it’s easy to “cheat” in yoga and not use your core which ends up hurting your lower back more.

      I’ve started private Pilates sessions (expensive but freaking awesome) and am feeling better. Good luck!

      1. Amey*

        I just wanted to second this. Definitely seek medical advice first, but I was told that my lower back issues (and pretty severe pelvic issues in pregnancy) stem from the fact that I’m slightly hypermobile. My physiotherapist advised pilates rather than yoga for the same reasons that Girlwithapearl mentions.

        I did find that exercise definitely helped my lower back but you want to do it under medical supervision.

        1. Thlayli*

          Are you me? I have hypermobility and lower back pain associated with it and had pelvic girdle pain in pregnancy too. Had Physiotherapy for both issues and core stability is one of the main things they focused on. Also found same issue with yoga – because I’m so bendy I don’t really get the benefit of the exercises.

          1. Amey*

            Ahh, the pelvic girdle pain in pregnancy is killer isn’t it? I’ve had it in both pregnancies and could barely walk by the end. With my first, I continued to have issues for nearly a year after I gave birth which wasn’t fun. Second baby is nearly a year old and I’m only just starting to have problems again from carrying her on my hip now that she’s so heavy. Everything just shifts out of alignment too easily for me!

            1. Thlayli*

              It is very painful. For me though with the belt and exercises my physio gave me it was manageable. One of my classmates ended up on crutches for about a month it got so bad.

              The main problem is most doctors don’t know how easy it is to treat and since it’s temporary they just say “oh well just deal with it” which is ridiculous. My GP told me there was no cure and I should count myself lucky I wasn’t in a wheelchair! *eyeroll* Luckily my midwife got me into the dedicated physiotherapist class in the maternity hospital and it was amazing how much it helped.

            2. only acting normal*

              One of my friends had this problem from carrying her heavy toddler; she got a sort of toddler shelf-seat that you strap around your hip (like a “bumbag”/”fannypack”) so you don’t have to stick your hip out for the baby to sit on. Might be worth a google?

        1. Grace Carrow*

          Thirding Pilates. My physio trained as a Pilates instructor so he would know what he is talking about. He employs a team of Pilates instructors who do group classes and 1:1 . But find someone who has trained properly rather than a gym instructor who has done a 6 week course.

    8. Thlayli*

      See a physiotherapist. They will give you specific exercises to do. An hours visit is about €60 where I live – money well spent IMO

    9. Backache*

      Thanks all, for the advice. I have made an appointment for an assessment with a physiotherapist. (Luckily my insurance covers it.) I really need to get this resolved.

      I love this community – people are happy to pitch in with advice and support on any topic.

    11. nep*

      Seconding, thirding those who recommend checking out what might be the cause before trying any particular moves or exercises. Possible causes are many.
      I get huge relief from slathering castor oil on my back overnight and using a heating pad — and I figure that’s not doing anything too major that I might be exacerbating a problem. (Still you’d want to find out whether heat or ice is called for, or both.) But that’s for my milder pain — when my bad pain takes over for a good week or three, nothing really helps and I’ve got to just ride it out. I’ve yet to be examined for possible cause.

    12. MCL*

      Echoing those who have mentioned seeing a doctor first. You don’t want to mess up your back worse! I have had some low back spasms over the years that have laid me up, and the things that help me most are core exercises and yoga. I particularly love yin style yoga where you hold stretches for several minutes, because it really relaxes me. Some people aren’t in to yin because it’s very slow and introspective and they want more active styles, so YMMV.

    13. Again Anon*

      Yes, agree with all to get medical advice. I was having low-level back pain that was not responding to stretches my chiropractor gave me. My sister said her doctor told her to sleep with a pillow between her knees. After doing that for just a few nights, pain was gone. Still sleep with that extra pillow every night.

    14. Junior Dev*

      Please see a physical therapist if you can.

      I did physical therapy for about 6 months when I had herniated spinal discs. It helped a lot. I did various core exercises and I have kept doing some variation of them in the years since.

      A lot of people think core = abs = sit-ups, but actually there are a lot more muscles and more exercises that will do better at keeping them strong.

      Right now I do:

      15 second front planks
      10 second side planks on each side
      30 second back bridges

      And also a lot of stretching.

      But I would start with a physical therapist if at all possible.

  43. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I just got an Instant Pot for my birthday! Please share all your tips, tricks, and recipes :)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I tend to use it mainly for hard boiled eggs. I made two dozen at a time. I put the basket in, put the eggs in, pour in a cup of water and set it to low pressure for four minutes. I then let it release pressure naturally. Once it’s released completely, I put the eggs in ice water until they’re fairly cool to the touch. The shells fly right off with no problem!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        THANK YOU. I was actually just thinking I should go look up how to do hard boiled eggs in the IP, because I am currently buying the peeled ones in the bags at the supermarket, and I am really enjoying them! How serendipitous!

      2. BRR*

        Do you stack the eggs on top of each other? I always do a single layer (but don’t know why) and would love to make more at a time.

    2. Going anon for this one*

      I posted a couple of links in the IP thread further up, and I would also recommend hippressurecooking and pressurecookingtoday, both online. There is also an IP Facebook community that’s pretty useful, and searchable, if you’re on fb. The book that comes with it is pretty reliable for times, IME. And budget bytes has some good IP recipes too!

      One thing to keep in mind is that in recipes, the cooking time = cooking time only, and does not include the time to come to pressure or to depressurise if you’re doing natural pressure release. Sometimes it can take up to 10-15 minutes to come to pressure, depending on how full it is and if your meat is frozen (although you can sort of reduce the time by heating it up with the sauté feature, turning that off, adding your food, and then setting for pressure.) The book I think is pretty clear on one cup of liquid, but that doesn’t have to be water, it can be broth, or a combo or things. Thick sauces don’t do well (like anything ketchup-based); it’s best to thicken them up after cooking. Liquor, like wine or beer, will work as a liquid, but I find that harsh alcoholic taste doesn’t really cook off in the IP. Plus, liquid doesn’t evaporate, so in things that are liquidy but usually reduce on the stove, like chili, you may have to put it on sauté for a while to reduce the liquid, unless you like it soupy.

      Have fun!

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I posted a couple of links in the IP thread further up, and I would also recommend hippressurecooking and pressurecookingtoday, both online. There is also an IP Facebook community that’s pretty useful, and searchable, if you’re on fb. The book that comes with it is pretty reliable for times, IME. And budget bytes has some good IP recipes too!

      One thing to keep in mind is that in recipes, the cooking time = cooking time only, and does not include the time to come to pressure or to depressurise if you’re doing natural pressure release. Sometimes it can take up to 10-15 minutes to come to pressure, depending on how full it is and if your meat is frozen (although you can sort of reduce the time by heating it up with the sauté feature, turning that off, adding your food, and then setting for pressure.) The book I think is pretty clear on one cup of liquid, but that doesn’t have to be water, it can be broth, or a combo or things. Thick sauces don’t do well (like anything ketchup-based); it’s best to thicken them up after cooking. Liquor, like wine or beer, will work as a liquid, but I find that harsh alcoholic taste doesn’t really cook off in the IP. Plus, liquid doesn’t evaporate, so in things that are liquidy but usually reduce on the stove, like chili, you may have to put it on sauté for a while to reduce the liquid, unless you like it soupy.

      Have fun!

    4. Snark*

      I tend to use mine for stews/soups and braised taco fillings – carnitas, birria, anything like that. And it makes great rice, beans, and lentils. I tend to make a lot of those kinds of things when I’m not grilling, so it gets a workout, but I do not particularly enjoy trying to cook complex dishes with lots of ingredients that cook at different rates in it.

      Hip Pressure Cooking and Dad Cooks Dinner are my go-tos, along with Kenji Lopez-Alt’s IP recipes on Serious Eats.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Thanks! It’s actually tomorrow, but I went shopping and to lunch this morning. Now it’s snowing so the rest of the weekend will be spent with tea and blankets.

    1. Snark*

      Man, them’s good times.

      My weekend is starting well. Muffins, chai, and Olympics this morning. Chores, packing, and cleaning now. Tomorrow’s my birthday, and we invited beer and pizza to come party, and on Monday I head off to Texas to explore spooky old abandoned military buildings in the desert. And get paid for that.

      2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        My day started off well before taking a sharp left at WTFville. Had delicious coffee and cinnamon triple (quadruple if you count cocoa powder) chocolate scones. Then my internet went out. FBI showed up. FBI left. Internet came back up.

        Happy (early) birthday! Pizza and beer sounds like a swell birthday party to me. Although, I’m more of a whiskey or cider girl myself.

        Ooooohhhh…the abandoned military buildings sound fun. But I like that kind of spooky stuff. Even though I’m totally a wuss.

        1. Natalie*

          So, the FBI totally killed your internet temporarily, right? I’m not even that paranoid but it seems too perfect.

          2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

            It’s an awfully odd coincidence. My WiFi showed a full signal. But kept saying it couldn’t connect to the internet. As soon as they left…tada! It connected.

            I’m going with it. Makes for a better story.

              1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

                From what I heard, sounded like someone accused him of making a statement about wanting to sleep with an underage girl. They went through his laptop and phone and didn’t find anything.

                He did ask a few idiotic follow up questions. If this exonerates him in the future. If anything else comes up. The one agent kind of snapped at him. Told him to be careful, that they didn’t want to come back.

                1. Gaia*

                  So this is basically my nightmare when it comes to wifi. I’m super paranoid that my security code isn’t secure enough and someone will get on my wifi and do creeper stuff and I’ll get a visit from the FBI.

                  Also: I’d be side eyeing that neighbor pretty hard with those follow up questions.

                2. Observer*

                  I’m with Gaia. It sounds like the agent was also filing that away. I mean just how stupid do you have to be to ask a question like that. Might as well announce that “Now that the FBI have supposedly cleared me I can go do whatever garbage I want to.”

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Oh, I did. Propped myself against the door. They interviewed him in the stairwell! I heard it all. Until I fell against the door and they started whispering. (Contemplated meowing so they’d think it was a large cat, but decided against it) So then I waited. Ran some water. Flushed a toilet. Open and shut my other door. Then their voices picked back up.

          1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

            They left it up to the guy being interviewed. Since he was the one they were investigating, and he was cooperating, I guess they weren’t overly concerned? They asked if he wanted them to come inside but he didn’t because there was a cleaning person over. They offered to take him to the car and he refrained.

            1. Foreign Octopus*

              I’m deeply curious as to the circumstances of how one gets interviewed by the FBI. Not that I’m going to go out and do anything. Being in Spain, I’d probably end up with the CIA instead, which is not the preferred scenario.

              1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

                I don’t think getting interviewed by any federal agency is the preferred scenario. But that may just be me…

                I don’t know if he knew or not. But
                when they knocked on the door and introduced themselves he cooperated right away.

                There’s been police show up at that unit before. So I paid no attention to the loud pounding on the door until I heard them say “We’re with the FBI and here to ask you a few questions. Can we come inside?”. Which is when I parked it at the door.

            2. Slartibartfast*

              Inviting them inside means no search warrant needed for things in plain view. So if he’s up to shenanigans, the stairwell may be less risky.

                1. Observer*

                  More to the point, if he’s worried about FUTURE exoneration, it’s HIGHLY likely that shenanigans are going on, or maybe the “cleaning person” wasn’t actually cleaning his apartment, you know.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Well, there was an earthquake earlier.

      Or rather there was an earthquake in Wales and everyone is saying they could feel it here in south east England. I didn’t notice anything. But then I spent a large chunk of my childhood living on a really city road where the buildings shook due to traffic going by so I probably wouldn’t notice.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Oklahoma has been getting them because of fracking–sometimes they travel up here. Usually it’s not very much–just some window rattling. But after living in CA I know an earthquake when I hear/feel one.

          2. fposte*

            Illinois had one of the biggest earthquakes in the country about 200 years ago; there’s a big fault running through the south end, and periodically there’s doomsaying that another Big One is coming.

            1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

              Yup! The New Madrid fault. There’s also something called the Sandwich fault zone around where I grew up. It’s the one that I’m talking about. Both occurred about a decade ago. Although, apparently, the one in 2010 was unrelated to that. And part of another fault line that isn’t well mapped. Interesting Google rabbit hole I fell down.

      2. WonderingHowIGotHere*

        Yeah, apparently it was felt in Blackpool, but since we’re geographically between Wales and Blackpool (closer to Blackpool!) and we didn’t feel a thing, we’re wondering if the Blackpool claims were linked to the local fracking protests instead. (or even, an attempt to fill in the potholes… one can hope!)

  45. MechanicalPencil*

    I’m getting my first tattoo soon. Any tips that I should know about? My artist was recommended to me by a friend who has stunning work, so at least that aspect is taken care of. I’m trying to put together comps of what I want, but I’m slightly afraid of being That Person of having images and then this crazy description of “not too this or that”.

    1. kc89*

      when I got mine I brought in a picture from the internet and she ended up kind of ignoring it and doing a design that was wayyyyyy better than what I brought in, so maybe be opened minded and see what they come up with in a sketch.

      But don’t be worried about being That Person, it’s going to be on you for the rest of your life so you are totally okay to be “not too this or that”

    2. Former VISTA*

      Be aware that depending on where you get it, the design may have to change to actually fit and look good where you’re putting it. Also, just breathe through the pain – if you have to take a break, take it. Knowing what you want, even if it’s changed from the base image you’re bringing, is much more preferable then going in and just saying you want a tattoo and have no idea, so you’re on the right track!

      Be aware when it’s healing that it’ll itch and peal- don’t scratch it, though. It’ll also look wacky when it’s healing.

      Where on your body are you getting it? Are you getting colors or greyscale?

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        I’m doing a black and grey thigh piece. There’s at least a bit of padding there. From a design aspect I think I’m being just particular enough without asking for a total copy of a specific image (3/4 profile, graceful/semi feminine look not super dramatic/dark). But I’m always worried about being a diva because that’s just my personality.

        1. Former VISTA*

          that doesnt sound diva-ish to me at all, you’re just letting them know what you want. Have fun :) Tattoos are great.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Eat beforehand. Don’t drink alcohol. Follow the aftercare instructions and don’t scratch it! If it itches you need to slap it instead.

    4. Starley*

      My artist loved that I brought in reference pics and laid out clearly what I did and didn’t like about each of them, and she thanked me for it several times! What she came up with didn’t look like any of them in particular, but combined all of the elements I liked into something even better. This is going on your body forever, you have every right to be as picky and specific as possible. Don’t be afraid to speak up, if your artist’s ego is so delicate that you having opinions offends them you probably don’t want them doing it anyway!
      As far as tips go, I would say make sure to drink plenty of water that day and try to have a good meal beforehand. Depending on how long your appointment is, you may want to bring a bottle of water with you, too. Some people get nauseated or even pass out, and that helps. I always try to exfoliate the area the day of, but if you don’t already do that occasionally I wouldn’t risk irritating your skin with a new product. If you need a break, ask for it. Be religious with your aftercare. Good luck. :)

    5. Red*

      They aren’t kidding when they tell you to eat beforehand. Also stay away from alcohol before the tattoo. Besides that, it might hurt. I find meditation helps a lot, my husband prefers to chat with the artist. Oh, and follow the aftercare instructions to the letter, don’t go reading on the internet about this ointment or that lotion. Just use what they say.

    6. CA Teacher*

      I agree with everyone else that you can be totally picky–this is a forever thing. However, do remember that they are the expert in the medium and so you should really listen to them about changes. When I got my most recent one, it ended up having to be much larger than planned because he wouldn’t do what I originally wanted exactly. He said the details would end up a blob in the healing at the size I wanted, and he was totally right. I love it and I think the size is perfect and would go to him again in a heartbeat. I respect his commitment to good work.

    7. Gaia*

      First, bring something to distract you if you think you won’t be able to sit still. Lots of people listen to music (on headphones). It hurts but it doesn’t hurt that bad. If you’ve ever used a TENS machine it is like that, but turned up a bit too high.

      You absolutely need to take care of it after it is done. Tattoos are NOT low maintenance if you want them to look great for years to come. You will see a lot of conflicting advise on aftercare. Listen to your artist. Take their advise seriously. You will never regret being too careful but you will regret being careless.

      Start thinking about your next one. These things can be habit forming :)

    8. valc2323*

      I’m assuming that since you chose your artist through a referral, you have no concerns about their practice – but check out what constitutes good safety standards in a tattoo shop (state and local regulations vary wildly, but the Alliance of Professional Tattooists has excellent information available) and do a spot-check of the artist / shop. No reputable artist will be offended if you ask them about infection control procedures.

      Body art is one purchasing choice where it really pays to do the RIGHT thing, not the CHEAP thing.

  46. ScienceLady*

    Suppose one partner is a yes on kids pre-marriage and the other is a no. That seems relatively straightforward; it’s not likely either will come around. Now suppose one is a yes (science lady) and partner is a maybe. Is there an understanding to come to pre-marriage?

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      How strong is the yes, and if your partner’s maybe turns out to be a no down the road, what will you do? Break up? Decide being with them is more important than having kids? I don’t know how much of an understanding you need to come to pre-marriage in this situation other than making clear that you are very much a yes and probably a commitment to discuss it again periodically in the future, but I think you need to know what you are and aren’t willing to do if that maybe doesn’t become a yes by the time you want it to or becomes a no.

    3. NaoNao*

      I think what needs to be explored is “why maybe and not yes?” In my admittedly limited experience, if you’re marrying a man (which I don’t want to assume!) literally every single man I knew was “maybe” or “probably not”…until they got married and she got pregnant and then they were on board!
      I think what needed to happen was they needed to meet a woman they felt they wanted to marry and that they felt comfortable in being partners and parents with. This was likely someone extremely stable, honest, responsible, caring, desired to be a mom, and quite frankly, someone usually pretty conventional. (So, not someone who’s on the road 5 days a week, not a performance artist, not someone who would have major commitments outside of marriage/kids, in other words).

      HOWEVER:

      Online dating, it was a completely different story. Honestly, 70% of the men online openly said they wanted kids, that not wanting kids was a deal breaker, or already had children!

      I believe that age and experience, along with meeting the right woman, turns *most* men from maybe to yes.

      So sit down and find out why “maybe?” Is it about the station in life (money, prestige, comfort with self, relationship, extended family nearby)? Is it that they feel they need to meet the right partner and parent? Are there specific personality or genetic concerns?

      For me, my “maybe’s” eventually became “no”. I realized that if there was a non-zero chance that a certain genetic abnormality (that would turn into either a disability at worst or a neuroatypical presentation at best) would not appear, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And there was a more than zero chance.

      These fears and concerns are real, and a lot of times, people don’t even think about them until they sit down and get real about being parents.

      Best of luck and I hope you are able to get what you desire!

      1. ScienceLady*

        Thank you kindly! What’s most interesting is that we did in fact meet online, and his dating profile had kids as a yes. I am wondering if perhaps it’s because having kids might feel like a more real thing now than in the abstract and mildly terrible world of internet, as we’ve been talking more and more about the future.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I always thought that some of my decisions would be based on the person I was with. In those instances I would say “maybe” to some of these life goals.
      I had other things that were a hard yes, such as house/dog with no room for debate.
      I know that even with saying something is an absolute must that partners can be surprised years later that this Thing is still an absolute must. Just because people agree to something in the future does not mean they will follow through.
      I think the best we can do is know ourselves and be certain of what it is we want. Next is to look at our potential life mate and see if it seems reasonable that they will follow through on anything they have committed to. If a yes-person marries a maybe-person, then the yes-person should be prepared for worst case scenario where the maybe-person decides NO later on. If you can’t live with a NO later on, then this is probably a deal breaker.

      Just my opinion, let’s say my person is uncertain about a house. So we chat about owning a home and I can see my person is whipping up some enthusiasm and decides, “Well, I think I would like a house with YOU,” meaning there is something about me that my person can see us owning a house together and it works out well.
      If they can’t work up any enthusiasm on the topic then I have to lean toward not being able to continue on with the relationship because home ownership is an absolute thing for me.

      As a secondary level to look at, once married I would start right in on saving for that house or working toward whatever other long term goal we had. Don’t wait. Start right away and remain actively involved in planning, saving, etc. Couples can stall out, they can get lost in dreaming the dream and never taking steps toward making it reality.

    5. New Bee*

      My husband was a “maybe” when we started dating (for context, we were both in our early 20s), but it became a yes before we got married. I was honest with him that I didn’t want to get engaged (in general) to a man who was uncertain, but those conversations pretty much resolved in the first 2 years of our relationship. We now have a toddler, and he was pretty eager once he felt it was “time” to start trying and started talking about #2 when she was under a year! So I think an honest “maybe” can work but a maybe intended to spare the other person’s feelings wouldn’t.

    7. Thlayli*

      I would say if you are that certain you want to have kids with them why not just get married, since that is clearly important to your partner?

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I think it’s more about how they feel prior to marriage, not whether they are ok with kids outside it?

        1. Thlayli*

          Oh, I totally misread that! I thought ScienceLady was saying she wanted to have kids before getting married and her partner wanted to wait until they were married! Duh, that makes more sense.

          To the original question then… if he’s not sure then personally I would forget about it and move on. I always wanted kids and I wouldn’t want to have them with someone who wasn’t sure. And I definitely wouldn’t want to have them with someone who was only doing it to keep me happy.

          1. ScienceLady*

            Thank you all for the insight! It’s also interesting, he has shifted from a definite yes to a maybe recently, so there may be other pieces going on as well. We’re going to sit down with a neutral party to see if they can provide tools for discussion for us.

          2. Triplestep*

            If it makes you feel any better, I read it the same way you did at first and thought “why not just get married and then have kids, since you both want both things?” It wasn’t until I started seeing others’ responses that I understood the question!

    8. Triplestep*

      SO much of this depends on other factors it’s really hard to answer.

      When I was a divorced mother of two and dating, I did’t want to date men who wanted kids because I was a “no” (or a “no more”, I should say.) I’m amused at NaoNao’s response saying 70% of men online openly said they wanted kids because 15+ year ago, I found tons of men in their late thirties/early forties who said they “didn’t know.” I wouldn’t date a “didn’t know” partly because I was a “no more”, and partly because I was immensely turned off by someone who had gotten to be that age and “didn’t know.” (It may have been that they DID know and were in fact a “no” but they thought they were less likely to get laid by being honest. This showed how little they knew about single mothers. Most of us would have preferred an actual “no” and still dated them for fun and games anyway!)

      On the flip side of this, my son is in his late twenties and has expressed that he would be interested in having kids “if his wife wants them.” He is not married. Nor is he seriously involved with anyone. Perhaps this is hypocritical of me, but I think it’s OK for him to feel this way at his age. I would just like him to find a different way of saying it, like maybe say “I’m open to having children.” At his age, he is starting to meet women that are making quick determinations about whether a relationship with him would have legs (rightfully so) and one of the yardsticks is whether or not those men want kids. I think if he sounds indifferent, a lot of women who have already decided “yes” or “no” on kids are going to be turned off. I’m his Mommy, though, so I don’t really hold sway here.

      Sorry, I don’t know if this is helpful at all. I guess I’m just trying to make the point that age and place in life both play roles in how a “maybe” should be regarded.

      1. ScienceLady*

        I think those are great points, though! I was a fence-sitter on kids UNTIL I met my partner. I think he’s always wanted kids, but now that future is becoming more of reality, I am wondering if that is causing him to hesitate to commit fully.

    9. KR*

      Before marriage husband and I talked over kids. He wants them in multitudes, I maintain he will get one if nessecary. I wasn’t even keen on kids before but I believe him when he says that if we have them my career will come first, he will stay at home if need be, & if we don’t end up having kids or wanting to adopt he will still love me and accept it.

    10. Oxford Coma*

      I was a maybe that became a no, and he’s always been a yes. We’ve stayed together because he decided he wanted “us” more. So, really, it totally depends on your individual wants, needs, and personalities.

  47. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    We just booked tickets this week to go to Asia in November for 2.5 weeks. Pretty excited – our first non European/American trip!

    I am looking for some tips/insights on travel times and to not overwork ourselves and do too much. We fly in to Singapore and out of Krabi, Thailand, with two days in Doha on the return (which will probably just be two recovery days at some massive resort thing). Personally I would like to go to north Vietnam for one week and then fly into Thailand (and there are many regional airlines to make this feasible), but I also dont want to just see the inside of airports/see major cities. So for that reason we are also considering leaving Vietnam for another trip and instead going slow from Singapore to Krabi by train and taking our time rather than dashing hither and thither.

    Does anyone have any tips for travelling in that part of the world? Anything really great to see in Malaysia/Thailand that is no-miss? We aren’t big party people (anymore), but are really looking for beach time (definitely at the end),
    engaging in non Anglo-European culture, and eating. Also, dumb question, is it ok to drag a suitcase around if we are staying mostly in hotels/guest houses or do we really have to go the backpack route?

    1. Kyleah*

      I have some tips. I’m from that part of the world. :) In fact, my country is in your itinerary. :) (Which means, yes, it’s so late here right now it’s early.)

      There are no trains that go direct from Singapore to Malaysia anymore but you could cross the border from Singapore to Johor Bahru, Malaysia, via the causeway, and take the train from JB Sentral (train station) northbound. You could take also take a bus from Singapore to various parts of Malaysia. In Malaysia, I’d recommend Malacca (good food), Kuala Lumpur, and Penang (good food). You only need about 2 days in each city btw.

      From Penang to Krabi, I would avoid the hassle of ferry + land travel and take a flight. (Sometimes ferries arrive too late and you’d have to spend overnight someplace.) At this point you’d be left with a little under 1.5 weeks and I’d spend every day on the beach if I were you. :) Lanta and Phi Phi are crowded, but go anyway. I’d skip the 4 island tour though – too crowded. Whatever you do avoid Koh Lipe. That’s way off of Krabi completely but thought I’d warn you anyway. Was there recently and was thoroughly disappointed by how over commercialised it is.

      Saving Vietnam for another trip is a good choice. You’d be cramming too much and wouldn’t get to savour each place properly.

      Luggage-wise, because you’d be going up and down trains, backpacks are better. Backpacks let you go hands-free and you just look cooler. ;) I don’t mean hiking backpacks though. You want a backpack that is front-loading so you can pack and unpack quickly. I have a first edition Tortuga from 2015 that’s gone everywhere from Asia to Europe and it’s still going strong.

      Hope I’ve helped! If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        That Tortuga bag is gorgeous – we can always use something like that for a lot of our trips beyond this one, especially when other half has to go on work site. I also like that it doesn’t look like a “normal” backpacker backpack either. Will have to look into that further.

        Thanks for affirming that Vietnam would be too much; I was trying to work out logistics and noticed that time was rapidly diminishing with that added on, to the point where we would be flying a long way to just… travel a lot? Seemed kinda dumb and the beach/scenery is the important bit! We also are originating and departing from an airport that isn’t where we live so honestly cutting down on extraneous, non-essential travel in a hermetically sealed tube seems smart. I may be an extreme aviation nerd, but even I have limits. Besides, inevitably the best parts of any trip and the parts you remember are what happen organically or off the cuff and over scheduling tends to eliminate that too!

        Any tips on finding good accommodation that is above backpacker but below super luxe?

    2. Grandma Mazur*

      We did Hanoi/Ha Long Bay, Da Nang/Hoi An/Hue, Siem Reap, Phnom Penh, Saigon and the Mekong Delta in 3-4 weeks over Christmas/New Year a few years ago. Everywhere was warm-hot except Hanoi, which was cool-warm, and Sa Pa and northern Vietnam went down to ~0 degrees C, apparently, so I would definitely save n Vietnam for a different holiday, unless you want to be lugging a completely different wardrobe with you just for that part of the trip.

    3. Dan*

      Hey —

      I’ve traveled quite a bit in this region. Since this is your first trip to Asia, you should know that jet lag is A Thing, and it’s really hard to predict how it’s going to affect you in advance. So, allow a few extra days at the beginning of your trip to do nothing.

      Trains in the region aren’t the same as Amtrak in the NE Corridor or European trains. That is, they’re not a real viable alternative to air transportation. And they are *slow*. I took the overnight train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai a couple of years ago, and it was more of a novelty than practical.

      That said, intra-Asia plane tickets can be quite cheap. I fly Air Asia often; I recommend them.

      On to your question about trying to do too much — for me, I find 3-4 nights in any given area to be the sweet spot. 2 night stays make you feel on the go, and 5 night stays in the wrong spots make me feel bored. The later is flexible, but depends on how much can be “done” as a day trip. Krabi, for example, has lots to offer and I could see staying a full week there.

      For a 2.5 week trip (from North America on a vacation, I’d consider 2 weeks to be the absolute minimum) I’d figure on 4-5 destinations max.

      Malaysia has lots to offer — I consider it to be one of the most underrated countries on the tourist circuit. Penang has some of the best food on offer. FWIW, Phuket/Krabi/Penang/Langkawi (beach-y area in NW Malaysia) are all geographically close.

      A bit out of the way, but on the island of Borneo, in the Malaysian state of Sabah, is the Danum Valley Conservation area. I stayed in rainforest lodge a few years back, and went hiking in the rainforest. We say wild orangutans and red leaf monkeys and things like that. Highly recommended. But this is a bit out of the way.

      I would skip Vietnam — that alone is worth two weeks. I was in the north in December, and Halong Bay, which is a huge tourist attraction, was overcast the whole time. I’d like to go back when the weather is better.

      What I would do is is burn off some jet lag in Singapore. For the most part, I find Singapore to be pretty boring, but unless you were heading straight to a beach, I’d want to work off some jet lag before getting on another play.

      I would think you could do Melaka as a day trip from KL. So, from Singapore, head up to KL, and plan 4-5 nights there. (Sadly, you’re now 7-8 days into an 18 day trip.) That leaves you 10 days from Penang/Langkawi, and Southern Thailand. If you skip Langkawi, I’d spend three nights in Penang, and then spend the rest of your time based out of Krabi. There’s so much to do as day trips from Krabi, that there isn’t a need to hotel-hop unless you want to.

      Anyway, this is how I’d work a trip given what you’ve outlined. Learning how to not do too much, but then pack in enough things as to not get bored is a bit more of an art.

      As a P.S., I absolutely love the food scene in Bangkok. I’d say get up there if you can. (You can, but it’s just not “convenient”, at least in terms of the rest of your itinerary.

      I hope this helps.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This is all extremely helpful, thank you!

        We are flying from London the night before to Stockholm with layover in Doha (can you tell which airline had a sale? :)) so having to drag extra clothing along for two seasons (outside of maybe a fleece and some jeans) isn’t something I want to do. Its a time differential akin to going back to the US, but I imagine the climate/cultural change and the jet lag = a bit more time in Singapore and slowing down a little, but those extra days add up!

        There are some arguments for Bangkok too as I wouldnt mind doing a cooking class and seeing the Bridge (read a book by a survivor), but that looks like it would involve cutting something else in another area. But no matter, this is all a process and real life input from people who have been is so much more helpful than endless reading of guidebooks and websites.

        1. Dan*

          Yeah, I could tell what airline had a sale, but I was confused, because I thought Krabi was purely domestic, and I figured that surely, you meant Phuket. Google saved me from making an arse of myself :)

          TBH, you could cut out KL/Melaka all together, and head straight up to Penang. That could give you time in Bangkok. Jet lag issues aside, I’m not going to encourage you to spend more time in Singapore at the expense of something else… it’s just too bland, without all that much to do.

          Despite the fact that I think Malaysia as a whole is underrated, KL itself can be skipped. City vs city, I’d pick Bangkok without a question.

          I took a cooking class in Bangkok, and those half-day things are more introductory than anything. They also do the food prep for you, which makes the “cooking” trivial. I’d like to go back and do a multi-day where I could really learn about some of the principles of Thai cooking. In fact, when I get bored playing typical tourist, that might be someething I would seriously consider.

          If you want the really slow train, so to speak, spend 4-5 nights in Singapore, 4-5 nights in Bangkok, and the rest down in Krabi. For a 2.5 week trip, this would get you some variety, while allowing you to “unpack” and slow down a little.

          Singapore is quite western, the culture shock is barely noticeable. Bangkok, OTOH, the first time you go, you won’t know what hit you. (Not in a bad way.) Krabi won’t be so bad, the Thai beach areas cater to Westerners, and your experience will reflect that.

          I have the same packing problem you do on some of my trips. Sometimes the best option is to suck up the cold for a few minutes as you make a mad dash from the terminal and resign yourself to paying for a cab.

        2. Dan*

          Oh, high level advice on planning — don’t overplan and keep your expectations low. By the later, I mean that when someone tries to plan that “perfect trip of a lifetime”, they usually set themselves up for disappointment when some little thing goes wrong or something wasn’t as “fun” as they built it up to be. Just tell yourself it’s a practice run for the next time you come back and actually know what you’re doing.

          I’ve been to enough places in Asia by now, so when I head in that direction, trips are now a mix of something new and a place I’ve been that I want to see more of. In fact, I’m in the Philippines at the moment; new place. But on the way home, I’m stopping in Hong Kong for a few days just ‘cause. By the way, it as 34 degrees when I left DC last week, and it was about the same temp in Seoul where I had my layover. I was the only person running around the airport in shorts and a T-shirt ‘cause I wasn’t dragging a jacket with me for a month.

  48. anon today*

    Hi.

    I’m trying to figure out if everyone lies. I think I’m coming to terms with being someone who lies, misleads, exaggerates occasionally…. maybe often? I’m also very profoundly depressed. I feel like I’m surrounded by people who are more similar to me than not in life in general, so the idea that this is only a me thing is confounding me.

    In an ideal world, I would be direct, honest, not insecure, and a good listener all the time. I think I’m that some of the time, but I am absolutely not that all of the time. Is everyone like this? I have a lot of very direct people in my life, and no one has told me that I seem like I’m full of shit. Currently, I have lied indirectly to my boyfriend by not telling him that I’ve slept with several people who aren’t him. I’ve lied to one of those people about having a boyfriend. I’ve lied at work about having completed a thing that I haven’t. I’ve fabricated a story for dramatic effect. I’ve artfully evaded things I don’t want to talk about.

    I know “cheating” is probably not the norm (and I say it in quotes because, even now, even knowing that it’s not our current arrangement and I’m actively lying to him, I’m feeling a little justified because my boyfriend was the one that tried to force us into an open relationship. And he can be a really abusive jerk and I feel like I don’t owe him honesty or something. I know that’s not okay or honest.)

    Anyway, I know cheating is not normal, but I’m trying to figure out if smaller lies, fabrications, exaggerations, etc. Is that a relatively normal thing? Usually I’m lying to avoid hurt feelings, making myself look bad, a stressful situation. Somehow I find it really hard to believe I’m the only one doing this.

    Does anyone have experience finding their way out of a strange melange of innocuous (and problematic) lies? Lots of cognitive dissonance over here regarding who I want to be and who I am. Also can’t tell if the depression is making me feel inordinately guilty about stuff that is not a huge deal (referring to the smaller stuff here).

    1. Lissa*

      There’s some disagreement on this, for sure. I think most people lie in small ways if what you mean is not being totally truthful all the time. I think of myself as more on the honest side of things, but I still am sometimes not. I will answer just your question about what level of lying is normal.

      Here are some small ways that I lie/have lied:
      If my friend’s play is terrible, and she asks me how it was, I’m not going to be 100% honest.
      If I have to call in to work because I had a panic attack, I say I have food poisoning.
      If someone asks for my “most embarrassing moment” I give a funny/cute one and not the actual one which makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
      If somebody asks me to borrow money and I don’t want to lend it, I say I can’t afford it.

      I know a few people who pride themselves on being 100% honest all the time and they are abrasive to be around. I think it’s a lot more of a spectrum of behaviour rather than “lying is bad!” Some people are really far into the honesty at all costs lifestyle, and haaaate little social lies like “How are you” “I’m fine”, but those are normal, to me.

      I think with most human behaviour there are exceptions, and being super rigid about these things hasn’t really worked for me. That said, it is also *very* easy to justify behaviour when we ourselves do it, because there’s a “good” reason in our case. But most people who do these things have reasons that are good to them. “I had a good reason – they were just a jerk!” is really common and hard to get over. I would rather, for me, admit I did something morally dubious because it was convenient for me than find myself trying to justify why it was totally OK that I did that thing and it was the *other* people who were the toxic bad people! I had reasons!

    2. fposte*

      Hi, anon. Sounds like you’re in an unpleasant place right now; I’m sorry.

      It’s really hard to know what’s going on in other people’s insides, so you’re asking an interesting question. I was a big liar as a teenager, and it was kind of interesting to move beyond that; I would lie not even just to cover my guilty tracks but because I felt like people knowing my life made me vulnerable in some way. As an adult, I don’t do that any more; it’s been a long time since I’ve even felt a mild temptation there. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious change, but I did start feeling like I shouldn’t; looking back, I can see why I wanted to guard myself but also why I found life better when I stopped.

      I engage in the standard social lying (“Your solo was great!” “I had a wonderful time!”) and fall into hyperbolic lying sometimes (“I’ve been on hold for twenty minutes!” Okay, eleven minutes), sometimes just in recounting an event; that last I think is pretty common and is a blend of exaggeration and genuine self-favoring memory in most of us. Usually the first person we deceive is ourselves; I find your comment really interesting in that, paradoxically, it’s really honest and you’re not doing that.

      Lying to make me look better, though, isn’t really something I do as an adult; I have that skeptic’s respect for measured accuracy that means I feel I look better if I acknowledge the deficits on my own side, and I don’t want to be the person who can never admit she’s wrong. It’s still not easy, and sometimes I’m silent rather than saying something detrimental to myself.

      I don’t know exactly what’s going on in your relationship; it sounds it’s complicated in more ways than honesty, and that fear of vulnerability I mentioned earlier might be relevant here. I was going to ask what you’d think if you knew other people were lying (I’m absolutely fine with my friends lying about how great I look, for instance, but not that they didn’t take my stuff), but then I wondered if you are starting with an assumption that people *are* lying to you–that maybe your boyfriend is cheating and lying to you, for instance–and that therefore you’re doing essentially a leaden version of the Golden Rule where there’s not much respect for anybody.

      If so, I think things can be better than that. Would you like that? (And also, you know, DTMFA.)

      1. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

        This is so me. Lying about myself was for privacy or because the truth would provoke too many unwanted questions. As an adult, I’ve learnt that I don’t need to say things I don’t want to & that my life is my own to do with how I want.
        Once I stopped lying & apologising out of politeness, my life got exponentially better. The best part was unexpected: I had more self-respect for myself & others respected me, too. I hadn’t even realised that I didn’t have much self-respect until it found me!
        There was a training curve to curtail the lying & it was worth the effort.

    3. I agree*

      To some degree the small lies, fabrications and exaggerations are universal. We all want people to like us, we don’t want seem stupid, and we don’t want to get in trouble. The issue is – is the lying chronic. Do to you lie to everyone all the time about almost everything or at least to someone all the time? But it seems your biggest issue is with the boyfriend. I think lying can be an indication that you are trying to avoid a bigger truth about the relationship.

    4. NaoNao*

      I think there’s several types of lies:

      Omission that hurts no one (ie, how many people you were with BEFORE your BF, that Grandma’s meatloaf is dreadful)
      Omission that hurts or could hurt someone (you said you mailed an urgent letter but you didn’t yet, you don’t want kids and your partner does and you’re “trying” while on birth control)

      Commission (actively choosing to say something) that hurts no one (“new haircut looks great, Sally!”) these are what we generally refer to as “white lies”. They’re what keeps society running. I think this is where most people fall in the spectrum. Things like “just got this text, how are you!” or “Sorry, I’m busy that night” or “I have a boyfriend” (to men who are hovering and seem fragile and easily hurt).

      These lies are technically “wrong” but they’re intent is to soothe, avoid pain, and keep the peace. Intent matters a lot.

      Commission that hurts no one but only benefits you: (“I made it to the finals in America’s Got Talent, they just didn’t show my spot” / “I’m 105 pounds (when you’re 125)”)

      These are also common, but this is the type of person people eventually avoid. My ex was like this: stories of heroism, exaggerations, made up or embroidered conversations that clearly didn’t happen. Eventually I came to actively dislike and disrespect him. You don’t want to go down that road.

      If you’re telling embroidered, exaggerated, or made up stories, the solution for now would be: shift into “best listener ever” mode. If you want social praise, acceptance and approval, being a great listener is an easy way to get that while you work on the lyin’ part. With a therapist, probably.

      Commission that hurts others, attempts to prevent hurt to you: Here’s the icky stuff. The lying on having done work. The half truths or embroidered stories to debt collectors, teachers, parents, bosses, angry spouses or significant others. The cover ups when you saw something wrong. The “I’m not sure how that happened” when you spent all the money.

      The thing is, the truth will usually “out” anyway. I believe that only about 10% of the population is *frequently* using these type of lies.

      Once in a blue moon, you mess up, cover your tracks, and then frantically make it right. That’s a “Mulligan”. But if you find yourself in a web of lies and coverups…it’s honestly hurting you most.

      *Special Case: “Feelings are facts” people. These are people I avoid at all costs. These are people like my neighbor, who 100% believe she caused a miscarriage (to herself) by sitting in a scalding or close to it bath…because she’s slender and small framed and she can “feel her organs” and “knows when something’s wrong.” Funny thing ’bout that: she didn’t take a pregnancy test before this, so we’ll never know if her period was just late or if she was 1 in a million who achieved the next to impossible. You may notice my tone of snark here—-I don’t have much respect for her *even though she’s telling the 100% truth from her point of view*.

      So honestly, you can tell the 100% unvarnished truth and some people will not believe you, not want to hear it, not like it, or not understand it.

      Side note: there is a difference between directness, honesty, bluntness, and truth.
      Direct: saying things without sugar coating them
      Honesty: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
      Blunt: unvarnished, perhaps unpopular opinions (may be factually true, may not be)
      Truth: objective, verifiable facts (as best as you can relate them)

      Most people are not “honest”–they leave things out, shade the truth, tell their version, use white lies, and so on.

      My mom is one of those people who is so bent on being “honest” that if you point out a mistake she yells “are you calling me a liar?!?!?!” sigh. it’s hard to be around those people.

      Most people are making hundreds of small choices: when to be direct, when to be tactful, when to be blunt, when to use objective facts (“he sexually abused me” “she hit me” and so on) for justice and good causes.

      Finally, my advice:

      I learned a little test that I use when I’m not sure what, if anything, to say.

      Is it true? That is, to the best of my knowledge, is this a verifiable fact?
      Is it necessary? Does it need to be said to this person, right now, by me? Will this improve the situation, give needed advice or facts, mend or build our relationship, or clear up misunderstandings?
      It it kind? Is this the kindest possible thing I could say? (ie, there’s a special place in hell for people who gleefully point out wardrobe malfunctions I can’t do anything about for the foreseeable future)

    5. Babs*

      I definitely lie sometimes to make stories more dramatic or funnier. If I’m telling a story to a group of friends, I feel like the purpose isn’t a sort of journalistic account of what actually happened. I don’t even do this intentionally; it just kind of happens. These are normally small lies, like slightly changing the order that things happened in or whatever.

      I also tell white lies to spare people’s feelings. If my friend asks me before going out what her outfit looks like, I’ll tell the truth. She can actually change her outfit at that point. If we’re already out and there’s no way she’s changing, I’m telling her she looks fabulous even if she looks like the wrong end of a horse.

      At work though, I think it’s important NOT to lie, particularly about completing things you haven’t completed (probably you already know this). This is both an integrity thing and a practical thing–it’s a really easy lie to be caught in.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This type of confusion goes hand-in-hand with being in an abusive relationship. Reality gets distorted. Yes, it will feed depression.
      And we lose parts of ourselves as you are showing here, so yes cognitive dissonance and more depression.

      Start with the smaller stuff. Quit exaggerating. Sometimes people exaggerate because they privately think it’s the only way others will listen to them. This is not true, of course. Other people will listen to us when we talk about average things that are not spectacular. If your peeps are not listening to you, the hard truth there might be that they are not quality people. I can’t tell from what is written here, and this one could go a number of ways.

      Next lying at work. Ask yourself why. Why would it be necessary to lie at work? The hard truth here might be that your job sucks and you need to find a new one. Hopefully the answer is simpler than that and you can decide to fix it.

      I think you already know that your bf is pulling you way, way down. If you are not already a way from him, make a plan to safely exit this relationship. We can bend a little in our relationships, but we cannot break in half for our relationships. Once one aspect of our lives starts to distort us and change us, then the other parts of our lives are vulnerable to following suit. It sounds like in your personal life you think you lie a lot*, this means this life style might creep into your professional life, too.

      (* You may actually NOT lie a lot. This is something that we will never collect up numbers on and know for certain. The main problem is that you THINK you lie a lot. And that is enough of a problem right there, we don’t need numbers to figure out if it’s a problem. You are not comfy with you therefore it’s a problem.)

      Punchline: If you are not proud of you, if you think you are not living the way you should be living, if you believe someone else is controlling your life or driving you to make poor life choices then in all likelihood depression will set in. Your life is not your own. What are you willing to do right now, right today, to take back your power to set your course in life? Baby steps, starting today.

      1. the gold digger*

        Yes to making plan to get out of this relationship. This statement – …he can be a really abusive jerk and I feel like I don’t owe him honesty or something. – bothered me way more than the admission of lying. If your boyfriend can be an “abusive jerk” to the point where you feel you need to lie to protect yourself, you need to leave.

      2. Observer*

        Yes, time to leave the relationship. The best you could say is that it’s not healthy. And you never owe it to someone to stay in a relationship that’s clearly not working for you.

    7. Triplestep*

      I think everyone bends the truth now and then to preserve another’s feelings, but if we remove that from the spectrum of “lying”, then no – not everyone lies. Not everyone embellishes to make themselves look better or a story more interesting, not everyone lies to avoid awkward situations, not everyone lies to make life easier.

      I’m not saying that I personally have not done of the things I list above. But the percentage of lies I have told compared to the truth-bending I have done to avoid hurt feelings is very very low.

      I have a sibling who lies pretty effortlessly. And I have another sibling who theorizes that liars believe that everyone lies, and they tell themselves they are no different from anyone else when they lie. It’s one of the things that allows them to keep comfortably lying. I think this theory is probably accurate. So it’s good you’re asking – it means that you aren’t comfortable in your lies, which could be the first step in changing your behavior.

    8. Thlayli*

      I never told outright lies for years. I did lie by omission or hinting on occasion, but never outright lies. Now I have kids I lie every day “all the chocolate is all gone” and so on and I’ve noticed it creeping into other areas too.

    9. Ellen Ripley*

      This is an interesting question. In my own case, I will say that perfectionism has been the proximate cause of some of my evasions and fibs. Depression, too, because I put off things I shouldn’t and then am so worried about other people’s opinions on that that I lie.

      I don’t think complete honesty is an unalloyed good or something that I aim for personally. I do think it’s probably worth interrogating the issue like you are. But it also sounds like you don’t like your bf much anymore and he doesn’t improve your life, so I suspect that if you get him out of your life a lot of these things will improve.

    10. Dan*

      I think we all lie in some way shape or form.

      Two that get told in normal communication:

      “I/we ‘can’t’ do something.” If I had a nickel for every time I was told something “couldn’t” be done, when the truth was really that someone didn’t *want* to do something, I’d be rich. For some reason, this bugs the heck out of me.

      We use the word “force” when what we really mean is that we didn’t like the choices the we had. You’re really only forced to do something when you have no other choice.

      I think the litmus test is whether lies are damaging your relationship with others. If they are, it’s a problem, if not, then whatevs.

    11. Gaia*

      I actually do think everyone lies at some level. Sometimes it is a social nicety (‘your new haircut looks great!’), sometimes it is because we seek acceptance or awe (‘everyone was clapping and so in awe of my speech’) sometimes it is because we fear the consequences of being honest (‘I finished that assignment yesterday’).

      This sounds similar to what you are doing (aside from the sex outside of your relationship – we’ll get to that in a moment). I don’t talk about this often but I used to lie a lot. Like about really stupid things. I would make up an entire conversation that had no consequence and tell someone about it. I did it because I was insecure. I didn’t think people would like me or be interested in me if I was honest. I didn’t think I was enough or my reasons for feeling X were enough so I lied and justified it with a made up story that seemed more “legitimate.” I told myself I wasn’t hurting anyone but I was wrong. I was hurting myself. I had to make a conscious effort to be honest. I’d find myself thinking up a lie and literally tell myself (in my head) “No. Stop. Just say nothing if you can’t tell the truth.” It took years but I’m better now. But, I still tell the “white lies” and I honestly believe everyone does.

      Now, you’re in a bad relationship. You know this. Bad relationships have a tendency to make us do things we wouldn’t otherwise do. If he is abusive, as you say, you need to leave him. I know that can feel impossible, but it isn’t. There is help. There are options. There are people on this very site that have done it and you can, too. And when you do, commit to be honest about monogamy. Whether or not you want a monogamous relationship doesn’t matter. What matters is being honest about it. But you’re not going to get that in your current situation so don’t beat yourself up about it – focus that energy on getting out.

    12. Observer*

      A lot of this stuff IS a big deal. Especially lying at work and lying about the partner stuff.

      You always owe your partner honesty. If he’s so bad that you really believe he doesn’t deserve it, you need to be working on getting out of that relationship. If that takes some lying, I’d say that falls under self-preservation. As for lying to the other person you slept with? That’s a REALLY big deal.

      As for lying at work, aside from the ethical and character issues, it’s a good way to get fired and torch your career.

      You sound like you are in a rough place. If you don’t have a therapist and someone who can prescribe if appropriate, PLEASE find a good therapist. If you already have one, please work with them on more adaptive ways of dealing with your issues (including developing a plan for getting out of what sounds like a very toxic relationship.)

    13. Miles*

      If your own behavior bothers you but you can’t change it this is the reason professional counseling exists.

      Call a licensed counselor, at your meeting tell em what you posted here. Do whatever homework they assign for your next appointment.

      If it turns out to be a bad experience try again with a different counselor, and don’t give up.

    14. Student*

      “And he can be a really abusive jerk and I feel like I don’t owe him honesty or something.”

      Break up with him. You’ll feel better about yourself, and feel less need to lie. The relationship is already dead – you’re just recognizing that fact and moving on. Better sooner than later.

  49. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone had to use a night splint for plantar fasciitis? Just over a week ago I was diagnosed with it on both feet (including heel spurs, but he seems to think that wouldn’t cause any of my pain.)

    Anyway, my doctor gave me a night splint on Thursday and I am supposed to switch off the foot I wear it on each night. Unfortunately it’s been really uncomfortable, and downright painful on the left foot (which is the one that always hurts more). I think part of the problem is that when the straps were set, it was another doctor setting it cause she was covering for him and she used my right foot, that has a lot more flexibility. So I am resetting the straps each time I put the evil contraption on, but I haven’t been able to wear it for much more than an hour at a time. Has anyone else had to wear a night splint? Any suggestions on how to make this bearable, without undoing any good it might be doing (Or having to take a sleeping pill every night)?

    1. fposte*

      Ouch. Sorry. I tried something like a night splint once but it didn’t help me; I didn’t have the getting-up-in-the-morning pattern anyway.

      I will say that I think plantar fasciitis is either 1) more complicated a phenomenon than it’s mostly orthopedically treated or 2) a term that’s being confusingly applied to things that really aren’t PF. I struggled with it and the stupid stretches for *months* with it only getting worse, and then tried the fugly Foot Log from Amazon and it reset the foot to close to normal within a couple of days. I think what I was dealing with was a neurological feedback thing rather than a tightening or thinning of the fascia, but presumably I’m not the only one, given the fact that the Foot Log even exists in the first place.

      (I also found more benefit from the weight-loaded calf-raises for strengthening than the stretches.)

      1. mollygus*

        It sounds odd, but when I adjusted the straps of the splint before bed my foot was worse in the morning. Once my husband fiddled with the straps every night I had relief in the morning. I assume my foot position changed just enough to throw off the alignment of everything when I was adjusting and having someone else adjust allowed my foot to be in its natural state. Or I’m just a spaz.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I guess this isn’t helpful but I found wearing one not very uncomfortable at all and extremely effective… Sorry to hear you’re not having that kind of luck with it! Maybe you should invest in two, one adjusted to each foot? Expensive, but maybe worth it since all the adjusting back and forth seems to be really interfering with the effectiveness.

      You might also call your doctor, tell him/her the kind of trouble you’re having, and get their advice.

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      Having to, one for each foot, as above would be a good solution. If this is expensive for you, the other thing you could do is go back in and get your current one fitted for both feet. Use a permanent markers in m different colors to Mark the exact strap placement for each foot. Then you could pull the strap to the correct mark each night as you change it and you know where you were going.

      1. Lcsa99*

        In theory this would work but the impression I got was that as it heals and I get better flexibility I would need to have it tighter and tighter, so the marks wouldn’t be right for long.

        Also, my doctor is on vacation for the next week so I would have to see someone else. Considering my experience Thursday, I might just have to suffer through it until he’s back.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          It might at least give you somewhere to start that would be tolerable. I know the orthotists I work with do this for several different sorts of braces that I order, but haven’t seen them do it for one with plantar fasciitis because that doesn’t come up in the people I take care of. Your doctor being out is tough, though. I hope something works out.

    4. Ellen Ripley*

      Weird thought: could you build up to wearing it for an hour or so during the day (while sitting on the couch watching tv or whatever)? My fear about the splints has been that I move a lot when I sleep, including sleeping on my stomach, and that the awkwardness would wake me up. Fortunately, my PF flares have been treatable so far with stretches, massage, and better shoes.

    5. arjumand*

      I don’t know how helpful this is going to be, but it looks like in my country they treat plantar fasciitis differently than in the U.S.
      Basically my doctor told me to wear shoes with a wedge, and gave me a steroid injection in the heel, which hurt like hell, but ultimately helped.

    6. ronda*

      I had the big plastic boot for achilles tendonitis. (I think the treatment is similar for pf)
      Mine helped a lot, but it was uncomfortable to wear it.
      I found that I really didnt want to hold my foot that way so I was pushing on the bottom a lot.
      my doctor 1st recommended stretches, but when that didnt help enough he handed out the boot.

      So if you really hate the splint….. do the stretches more and that might improve it instead.

    7. RedBlueGreenYellow*

      This may be much too late for you to see it, but just in case: fuzzy slipper socks saved me when I had to wear a night splint for 6 weeks. The added padding let me tighten the straps more. That meant my foot moved less, but the straps weren’t digging in to my foot and calf. Also, I eased into the toe wedge. At first, I couldn’t stand the extra stretch. I tried it every night, though, until I have it fully in place without pain.

  50. Sherm*

    When to donate, when to throw away? I am environmentally conscious and hesitant to dispose of things, but I don’t want to pass the burden to Goodwill etc. if they can’t do anything with my stuff. I have two cheap mini-bookcases. The (thin) back panel on one is detaching but could probably be fixed with nails or glue; the top veneer posing as wood on the other one looks scraped away at parts. My TV appears out-of-date because it’s in the traditional square shape. It’s not jibing well with modern shows, and the analog-to-digital converter box that the state forced me to buy isn’t working, so I can’t even turn it on right now without a functional box.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Not sure about the tv, but if the bookcases work, is there a school or daycare nearby that could use them? Or do you have a local freecycle you could post them on, to see if someone wants them?

    3. Pie for Breakfast*

      Post on Craigslist as free items. I’ve gotten rid of many things there that I wasn’t sure were reusable.
      The TV sounds like it should head to the recyclers, though.

    4. NaoNao*

      Most Goodwills won’t take tube TVs, but do you have a “Buy Nothing” FB group nearby? Also, could “curbing” it with a “free, works” sign do the job? Stuff disappears FAST around here as long as it’s in any kind of usable shape.

    5. fposte*

      In addition to the other suggestions, Habitat ReStores sometimes will take those, and they may be willing to pick up. (I gave ours a similar bookcase along with several other pieces of furniture, and they said “Nah, never mind” about the pickup fee.)

    7. Triplestep*

      I have similar issues with giving stuff away vs. throwing out. I’m OK getting rid of stuff, but don’t want it to be a burden to the receiving organization, and then just end up in the landfill anyway. As others have suggested, freecycle (dot org) works well for getting things to people who are guaranteed to want them.

    8. zora*

      for the TV, i don’t think anyone will want it. They will probably have the same problems you are having. I would find a good E-recycler and get it to them. A good one will dismantle and make sure all components are either reused or disposed of safely. I also really hate throwing things away, but this is the price we have to pay for buying these modern conveniences. ;0) the best thing you can do is make sure things are as responsibly disposed of as possible.

      1. Casuan*

        No one will want the television. A few years ago, I spent way too much time trying to dispose of one properly. Curbing didn’t work.
        & I forget how the story ends!

    9. fposte*

      I missed the TV thing—is it a tube TV? If so, your state law is likely to restrict where it can go, and you might have to pay to get it taken away. Best Buy just started doing it again in my state for $25, and there’s also a local event once a year here. I would have a Google for “tube tv disposal [state and town]”.

    10. Thursday Next*

      This wasn’t one of your questions, but since we’re talking about donating/recycling, I thought I’d give a shout-out to community textile recycling programs, which are great for clothes too wrecked to be donated to Goodwill.

    11. Casuan*

      To donate or not to donate…!
      This can be agonising because this thing is okay except for that missing piece & would someone from the streets be grateful for this item as opposed to nothing at all…?

      If something needs repair then please don’t donate it to Goodwill. They don’t have a workshop of elves who can magically repair things & they have to throw out all kinds of donations.
      For clothes, if I wouldn’t wear something in the shape it’s in, then it’s trashed. A missing button isn’t a big deal although several missing buttons could be.

      Goodwill, curbing, Freecycle…

      My best advice is if you have a lot of things, don’t get too caught up in the hamster-wheel-what-to-do-with-it-hell because that can take so much time. Even posting free items can take a lot of time, especially because some takers will want to do a back & forth about specs & then you’d probably need to be available to meet or for them to come & fetch it.
      Thankfully this isn’t my experience; it happened to a friend who was moving.

  51. Typhon Worker Bee*

    Just got tickets to see Jack White in August (SO EXCITED!) and saw this interesting note on the Ticketmaster page:

    “PLEASE NOTE: this is a PHONE-FREE show. No photos, video or audio recording devices allowed. We think you’ll enjoy looking up from your gadgets for a little while and experience music and our shared love of it IN PERSON. Upon arrival at the venue, all phones and other photo or video-capturing gizmos will be secured in a Yondr pouch that will be unlocked at the end of the show. You keep your pouch-secured phone on you during the show and, if needed, can unlock your phone at any time in a designated Yondr Phone Zone located in the lobby or concourse.”

    This is such a great idea! I’m guilty of having taken photos and occasionally videos at live music shows in the past (not one single good one though), but recently I’ve been trying to use my phone less in general, e.g. by keeping it in flight mode when I’m at work or out with friends. I’m completely in favour of this phone-free event idea.

    1. DanaScully*

      I think this is a great idea too. I believe Kate Bush did something similar not too long ago.

      I must admit that I can’t stand being at a gig and seeing a sea of arms holding phones in the air for the duration of the show. I might take a photo or video, but it’s only ever quickly as I want to absorb the whole experience.

    2. eeeeeeek*

      I never take out my phone during live performances, and also get pretty annoyed at people who do – even if they’re not recording but checking the time or something. In fact I take off my fitbit when I’m at the theatre because applauding sets off the motion sensors and lights up…

      …and yet I’d be SO put off by this policy. Seriously, it reminds me of school when you had to leave your phone (or, to give away my age, your tamagotchi) in your bag to stop you fiddling with them. Having something enforced on me as an adult would be so annoying.

    3. KR*

      Are you going to the show in San Diego??? I am going to that one – Phoenix was too far of a drive and Las Vegas was sold out.
      Also I went and saw Jack in NYC in 2012. It was a great venue. Someone came out before the show to say that there would be a professional photographer for the entire show and anyone could go online and download extensive professional pictures with no log in, no charge, no registration, & photos can be used however you like. They also asked people not use their phones during the show to preserve the experience for everyone else. Not a lot of people used their phones but some people did. I was right near the front so it didn’t bother me much. I understand why he did this new thing but something does feel off about it. I don’t like the idea of having to go to a specific zone to unlock my phone – what if I need to leave the show in a hurry or there is an emergency? But I’ll deal for Jack and those biceps.

      1. Natalie*

        I’m having a hard time imagining an emergency where 3 extra minutes in the lobby unlocking your phone would actually cause a problem? If you’re, like, an on call trauma surgeon or whatever I’m sure they would let you keep your pager.

        Also, you could cut the pouch open if you had to evacuate or something. It’s just fabric.

      2. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Vancouver! I haven’t seen his solo show before – I was always either out of town, or not fast enough to get tickets before they sold out – but we did see the White Stripes once. I already liked their music before the show, but hadn’t appreciated just how good he really is until I saw him in person and realized that yes, it really is just one guy with one guitar making all that noise by himself. Incredible! I became a super fan about 2 minutes into the show, LOL. At this point he could release a recording of himself kicking a guitar down a flight of concrete steps and I would probably still buy it

      3. Pretend Scientist*

        Lalo is the one who would come out and make the case for no phones. Really, the photos that they released are way better than one could take with a phone. It’s a good plan.

    4. Gabi*

      Huh. That would really put me off going, I have to say. The patronising, “you’ll enjoy it more this way” tone if nothing else. Ick.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Yep, that bit grates on me. It’s ok to tell me you want these rules but don’t tell me it’s for my own good!

    5. Loopy*

      I wish more shows would do this. I was stuck behind someone with a giant phone held over their head and right in my face at my last show. They recorded the entire thing. They never put the phone down. It really affected my ability to get into the show as I was always shuffling this was and that to avoid the phone. I should have said something but it was loud and I could see it going so horribly, so easily :(

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        I really want to know the thought process behind recording a live concert. Like, all the recordings/photos I’ve seen on other people’s phones are such utter crap sound-quality-wise, and the photos are so tiny/grainy that you can’t see who the performer is. Why would you do this more than once?
        Heck I’ve stopped recording my kid’s like school concerts and stuff because (a) it’s a distraction from actually seeing the thing happening live, and (b) the recording quality even sitting 15 feet away is not great, and (c) I have never once gone back and watched it again.
        I’m not ranting at you Loopy, I’m just hanging my comment here. And to summarize I would be in favor of a concert doing the “lock the phone” thing, I think it’s a great idea.

    6. Pretend Scientist*

      Long-time Jack White fan here, and I’ve also done the Yondr thing at a Chris Rock show. I was also at the 3-year anniversary show of TMR and we had to check everything besides drivers licenses and cigarettes/lighters.

      On the major tours 2012-2015, Lalo was discouraging the photography, and really, they do distribute awesome photos for free.

      Excited for the new album and to see Jack again on the road. We are going to do DC at the Wharf in May. Who else is going?

    7. Casuan*

      Love the concept, hate the wording.
      Now that I think of it, I’m not too thrilled with humanity because we need to be encouraged to pay attention to real life & not our gadgets.

      Enjoy the concert!

    8. Snuggly muggle*

      I’ll be going to his Portland, OR show. I’ve never seen him before and I’m excited! I don’t take pictures or video with my phone at concerts and I was put off by that note when I saw it. It just seems patronizing. I like having my phone at concerts in case I get separated from my husband. It just makes me feel more secure in a sea of people. I’m sure I’ll survive but I hope this doesn’t catch on with a lot of other artists.

      1. IForgetWhatNameIUsedBefore*

        I don’t take pictures or video at concerts either (and I’ve owned a smartphone of any kind for less than four years!) and I think this is absolute BS and an overstepping by both artist & venue.
        If one of my favorite artists did this, I would boycott the show and let their management know in no uncertain terms why. It might even turn me off enough to stop supporting the artist completely. They’d be NOBODY without their fans and it just seems like a monstrously egotistical move.

  52. Nerdgal*

    So sorry about this. Have you thought about trying to get a loan through your bank or credit union? Obviously you would have to go an austerity budget for a few months to repay it, but you would avoid the parental guilt trip that way.

  53. Cappuccino*

    I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who took the time to reply to my wedding question last weekend.

    Your responses opened my eyes to the fact that I was worrying far too much about other people’s feelings, and that it’s perfectly fine for people to be different!
    I think we have (sort of) decided to have a small ceremony with parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and then open up the evening to certain cousins and close friends.

    Ideally we would love to elope, but we both have very loving families who we’re so close to, and we would hate to upset them. I know this is technically “caring too much about other people’s feelings”, but there are *reasons* why we’ve decided against it. Also, we are both female so it’s not even guaranteed that we could get married in other countries.

    Thanks again, and I’m sure I’ll be back to pick your brains again in the future!

    1. fposte*

      It’s okay to care about people’s feelings! It’s just important to remember you are also “people” there. Glad you’ve found a solution that allows you joy in your plans.

    2. Jingle*

      Yay for finding a solution that works for you :). Be excited to hear more (if you choose to share more) as you get planning!

  54. Babs*

    I’ve always said that I have an addictive personality when it comes to story. As a kid, I had a tendency to become obsessed with books (including Harry Potter). When I got a good book, I wouldn’t be able to put it down until I finished. I remember sitting in uncomfortable positions, unwilling to shift to a more comfortable position because it would involve glancing away from the page for one second. I’d stay up all night to finish a book that grabbed my attention. I wouldn’t hear people talking to me, because I would be so immersed in the story. When I had to pause for something, I felt like I was actually physically pulling my mind out of the story.

    And then as I got older I just…lost that. I went from someone who probably read over 200 books a year, to someone who barely read 12. Most of the books I picked up were either predictable or boring, and I didn’t have the patience to read mediocre books anymore. I also wonder if depression played a role here and predisposed me to dislike books that maybe weren’t great, but were perfectly OK. As I got better at managing my depression, I found a few diamonds, had a few brief flashes of that total immersion I used to achieve easily as a kid. But mostly, I thought that I’d lost that ability forever.

    And then a few weeks ago, I was at a bookstore looking for a copy of Leviathan Wakes by James S. A. Corey. I watch YouTube book reviews, and one of the reviewers I follow had it on her to-read list so I became curious. An employee and another customer were chatting about books in front of the shelf that had all the Expanse books. The employee was recommending a book I’d read (The Rook by Daniel O’Malley, it’s good you should go read it), so I stopped to chat with them. We end up talking about fantasy and sci-fi books in general, and the employee asked me what kind of books I like. I told her I like fantasy series about the epic struggle between good and evil but good ultimately triumphs. I like stories that end on a hopeful note, even if there’s sacrifice required to get there. She had that look in her eyes like when the teacher calls on you and you KNOW the right answer. She told me I had to read The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan.

    I’d never even heard of it. But y’all. I devoured the first book in the series. It was like I was a kid again. The story just grabbed me in a way I’d almost forgotten stories could. I texted my best friend that I didn’t know I could still feel this way about a book. I’m on the third book now (no spoilers!) and still enjoying the ride. So, questions: What is something you thought you’d lost that you unexpectedly found again (whether that’s a literal physical object or love of a hobby or whatever else)? Anyone else enjoy The Wheel of Time? Any good book recommendations for fantasy about the epic struggle between good and evil?

    1. Former VISTA*

      The Wheel of Time series is my favorite book series. You should also try Brandon Sanderson books (he co-wrote the last few WoT books after RJ died).

        1. Former VISTA*

          If you want most like WoT, go for the series he’s currently writing- the first book is Way of Kings. That being said, I genuinely love all of his books and when I first started reading him, I read his first book first (Elantris) and then as they came out. The Mistborn trilogy is a good place to start too, but you can definitely see he grew as a writer in his later books.

        2. Thlayli*

          I also love WOT and I liked Mistborn series but haven’t read anything else (yet) by Brandon Sanderson.

        3. Meow meow*

          Brandon Sanderson!! I thought the Mistborn series was pretty great, with a really fresh take on the “magic” in the universe. Another standalone book is Warbreaker, which I enjoyed. I had difficulty starting The Way of Kings but once I got into it I couldn’t stop. Haven’t read the rest of the books in that series yet though.

          It’s interesting because I actually did not like the last WoT books as much (those written by Sanderson) because I thought the tone had changed too much. However, I really enjoy his original writing.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I have to admit, I had a completely different experience with WoT. I read the first book, really excited because I knew there were loads in the series, and I was just disappointed.

        I know that loads of people love the books and I’m not looking to dump on them but I just struggled with it. To me, it felt like cheap fantasy. The twists were painfully obvious, the characters badly drawn, and I just hated the way that Sanderson wrote down the inner monologues of his characters. He made his point and then he beat us over the head with those monologues to make sure that we had understood his point.

        Also, as the Wisdom for her village, I really felt that Nynaeve should not have gone traipsing after the boys and then stayed with them. She had an important job to do in her village and it seems as though she just abandoned it.

        I remember texting my mum after finishing it and (this will seem harsh to those of you who love the books but, remember, my opinion) telling her it was the knock-off version of Lord of the Rings. In some aspects, it was almost chapter for chapter LoTR.

        Those of you who love the series, what do you love about it? Am I missing something?

        1. Former VISTA*

          Sanderson didn’t write the first books, he only completed the last 3 after Robert Jordan died.

        2. Babs*

          I think maybe WOT is just not your cup of tea, which is obviously fine! It’s hard for me to explain why I like a book, but I’ll try.

          I agree that The Eye of the World follows many of the same beats as The Fellowship of the Ring. Moiraine = Gandalf. The Emond’s Fielders = the hobbits. Even the mood is similar. Both books have this melancholy tone, this overarching sense of decay and that something has been lost. In The Eye of the World, winter has lasted much longer than it should have, the Aes Sedai are not as powerful as they once were. People have lost knowledge from the Age of Legends. The Dark One’s evil is slowly spreading. I would say Fellowship has some similar themes going–Mordor’s evil is growing stronger, the elves are slowly disappearing from Middle Earth, & etc. I didn’t find these similarities annoying though; I actually thought they were fascinating, especially where there were sharp contrasts. And by the second book, I would say that WOT diverges from LotR. A major motif in WOT is balance, e.g. between saidin and saidar, between the greater good and individual rights, and on and on I’m sure (still only on the third book).

          I would say Tolkien sees a clear “right answer” when it comes to the struggle between the greater good and an individual’s rights, and that’s clear in what happens with Gollum and Frodo. So what I find fascinating is that WOT and LotR use a lot of the same tropes but arrive at very different themes. And to be clear, I enjoy both. I didn’t read LotR until I was older (one of the diamonds I read during my reading slump), so I don’t have any nostalgia attached to it and that might make our reactions very different.

          Also, I like the prose in WOT for the most part. I like the main characters and find myself rooting for them. Those things are more personal taste than anything else, imo.

          1. Babs*

            To clarify: I don’t necessarily mean WOT is 100% utilitarian, just that that balance and what it means to be moral, is explored.

          2. Foreign Octopus*

            Yeah, it’s definitely not my cup of tea and I’m disappointed by that because I want to love all fantasy as there are so few long series out there. I think, for me, LoTR was the very first fantasy book I read (even before Harry Potter) and because it was the first big book I was reading, my family and I talked about it every night at dinner and so it really does feel very nostalgic for me.

        3. Thlayli*

          What do I love about it? That’s a tough one. There’s actually a lot I really dislike about it, including some of what you’ve listed! But I would still count it in my top 20 favourite books/series. Probably not top ten. I’ve read the entire series three times since the last book came out (obviously read earlier ones a lot more). I love the characters. I know some times they can be a little two dimensional but I just like them all nonetheless. I absolutely love the deep point of view narration where he tells each chapter from a different characters viewpoint and you can really feel the different voices of the characters. Plus how the characters don’t know all the story and don’t understand other characters points of view so the character is describing something and the reader is sitting there laughing at how they can get it so wrong, or the reader understands the huge significance of something the POV character doesn’t even notice. It’s actually very hard to write that way so well. The number of times I’ve nearly died laughing at Mat’s blunders when trying to deal with the women in his life… it’s so funny and he just doesn’t understand why they react the opposite to the way he expects. It’s hilarious.

          I’m also a sucker for a straight up evil villain with no redeeming features so you don’t have to feel guilty rooting for the hero to destroy them and all their army… and you don’t get more evil than Sauron… sorry I mean Shaitan.

          I also like that it’s set in the far distant future of our own world. There’s myths from our era (Mosc and Merc, Lizzie the Queen of the World) and they find a plastic badge from a Mercedes car in an old museum one time. That’s cool.

          When you get later in the series they get better and less clunky (then it gets pretty meandering and hard to read about book 8-10, then gets good again). The impact on the village of Nynaeve leaving is addressed in later books and the impact on her and her guilt over it is addressed as well. Her reasons make sense to her – hatred and fear of outsiders and a sense of duty to protect her villagers from the evil outsider, but it’s pretty clear she has a desire for more the the life of a village Wisdom too, although that’s never explicitly stated and she never realises it herself. And it’s possible Lan may have subconsciously had something to do with it too. Though she probably would have stayed if she’d realised that!

          Also I love the complexity of the magical powers Jordan created. I can’t stand wishy-washy magic that’s never really explained. I like it to be so detailed I feel like I could learn how to do it, like in Harry Potter when you understand why they use particular spells and you remember how hard it was to learn it. And it’s not just in the magic he goes into the detail. I’ve learned stuff about blacksmithing and dressmaking and how matches work and how to make a guard to protect your arm from the snap of a string of a bow from WOT. I like that (though I could have done with a bit less dressmaking and hair braiding personally).

          So hope that explains why I like it. It’s definitely not to everyone’s taste. Lots of people have the books with a passion, for very good reasons. There are things I dislike about them too. But I still enjoy them.

          1. Babs*

            As an aside, I think it’s interesting he called the Big Bad “Shaitan”. I speak Arabic, so that was part of what drew my interest in the first place. It just means “devil” or “Satan.” I wonder if Rand’s last name is supposed to be an Arabic reference too? Al thor means “the bull”, and he’s certainly stubborn!

            2. Thlayli*

              Yes there’s lots of little things in there like that. It’s definitely supposed to be Satan. In our age Shaitan would still be trapped and unable to affect the world to the extent he can in Rands age. Rand is trying to get back to that.

          2. Foreign Octopus*

            I didn’t realise it was set in our far future. I thought it was just a fantasy world. That’s actually quite an interesting way to approach fantasy.

            I’m glad to hear the Nynaeve’s thing is addressed but I don’t think I could wait that long to get there.

            I’m glad you enjoy it, and thanks for explaining why, but I don’t think the series is for me, which I am disappointed by because I went into it wanting to love it. Still, if we all liked the same books, it would be really boring!

            1. Thlayli*

              Oh yes I definitely agree it’s not to everyone’s taste! I quite like the “simple farm boy makes good” thing too though it would be nice to see more “farm girl makes good” protagonists. Though Nynaeve and Egwene certainly fit that requirement!

              Mistborn is kind of “orphaned thief girl makes good” so you might like that one!

        4. Lissa*

          I had a really ambivalent experience with the series. I read the first book and *loved* it. I adored the mood of, as Babs says, decay. It felt so cool to me, and I liked that there were more women in it.

          However I ended up really really disliking Rand, largely due to his sexism/Protagonist syndrome, and that kind of tainted the series for me, and I started enjoying it less. I still loved parts of it and read all the way to book 8 and then finally realized I disliked it more than I liked it. I still remember curling up with the first book, though, on a Christmas holiday with extended family at age 16 or so, and being completely entranced.

          I think though, for me, I realized that a lot of the things people here talk about loving are just not things that are my cup of tea! I am not a big fan of huge epic good vs. evil battles or a straight up evil villain, I think. I gave up fantasy for a good long time after this series and even now steer away from male authors writing farmboy-makes-good stories. Even though there was a lot about this series I liked. I found the tone *really* compelling.

          1. ronda*

            I am really in line with your experience of this. Liked the first book. But, the gender relations in this book were really freaky and started to overshadow the whole thing. (I didnt just dislike Rand (& the men), I disliked the womens’ approach to the men too)

            The middle of the series slump where nothing really got resolved or moved forward was annoying too.

            Here are a couple series that have some very disturbing stuff in them, but I liked them anyways. So you might want to check them for your triggers before deciding.
            (book 1 for each trilogy)

            The Way of Shadows (The Night Angel Trilogy) Brent Weeks
            Daughter of the Forest (The Sevenwaters Trilogy) by Juliet Marillier

      3. Foreign Octopus*

        If you get around to it, I do recommend Leviathan Wakes. It’s good science fiction, not great, but good and very readable. James Holden is a bit too goody-goody sometimes but I love Amos.

    2. Elkay*

      Have you read Phillip Pullman’s Northern Lights trilogy? There’s also a prequel published last year and three short stories.

      1. Babs*

        I’ve read The Golden Compass and got halfway through The Subtle Knife. However, I’m religious so I didn’t find the direction the story was taking in The Subtle Knife to be compelling.

        1. Thlayli*

          Yeah the anti-religion aspect gets even stronger in the third book so you definitely wouldn’t like that one!

    3. kc89*

      I find myself constantly re-reading all of my favorite books, I find it hard to start new books.

      My new years resolution was one new book a month which is very doable, hoping to find some gems in there!

    4. Librarygeek*

      :D Here’s some starting points:
      – “The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms” by NK Jemisin for gods and imperial drama
      – “Sabriel” by Garth Nix if you don’t mind the YA section of the bookstore and enjoy a little necromancy
      – “Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell” by Susanna Clarke if you don’t mind things getting a little Victorian
      – “Uprooted” by Naomi Novik for smaller-scale magics with wide consequences
      – “The Dark Lord of Derkholm” by Diana Wynne Jones for fantasy trope deconstruction
      – “Arrows of the Queen” by Mercedes Lackey for kingdom saving and mental health struggles (warnings for abuse and, in later books, torture)
      – “The Grace of Kings” by Ken Liu for silkpunk and revolutions

      1. Babs*

        Yes! I’m loving all of these recs I’m getting. I don’t mind the YA section of the bookstore, although I’ve been burned recently (I did not like An Ember in the Ashes or The Star-Touched Queen). I actually read Sabriel a long time ago, and remember enjoying it. N.K. Jemisin was on my “to read” list, but the rest are new to me.

      2. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Seconding Uprooted by Naomi Novik, that’s one of the best books I have read. I also adored VE Schwab’s trilogy, so definitely recommend that. (I read them side by side, I have to recommend them as a pair now.)

        Jonathan Strange reads like a history text, so I had a lot of trouble with it, but the story is excellent – I watched the tv show. If you don’t mind footnotes, this is a great book.

        Librarygeek, I’m pulling the rest of this list direct in to my goodreads – it looks excellent!

        Side note: If anyone has any gaslamp fantasies that are to die for and can’t-put-down-able, I would love recs for those!

      3. Amey*

        I love The Dark Lord of Derkholm so much! I love all Diana Wynne Jones books, to be honest, but this is one of my favourites.

      4. TerryD*

        Seconding Uprooted and all Mercedes Lackey. Mercedes Lackey also has a YA series that starts with the book Hunter. Really good.

    5. Alucius*

      Oh man, I picked up WoT of the recommendation of a cute girl in Grade 9 history and absolutely devoured the 1st two books in about 3 days. I probably read and re-read the first four or five multiple times a year when I was a teenager. Unfortunately I found that the plot almost came to a standstill from about book 8-11 or so, and didn’t get moving again until the ones that Brandon Sanderson finished after RJ’s death. The tension of a first few books gets lost too as the protagonists split off and eventually get so powerful that not much this side of Shai’tan is a threat anymore (oh a Forsaken is after Rand? YAWWWWN!). Sanderson did a decent job of bringing it home, I thought. You would also have a different reading experience than I did, given that I caught up to RJ around book 6 and then was waiting years between subsequent installments. I wonder if the later books hold up better without that gap. Anyway, that series was my everything as a teenager…so enjoy!

      Other suggestions:
      Raymond E. Feist’s Midkemia books (multiple series) Similar vintage to Jordan, similar feel.
      Tad Williams’ “Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn” series. Also 20+ years old now. It subverts good vs evil a little bit, but you definitely have good-hearted characters trying to do their best, caught up in epic events.
      Django Wexler’s “Shadow Campaigns.” Probably my favourite ongoing fantasy series. It’s flintlock fantasy (i.e. magic and muskets) and uses Napoleonic campaigns and a version of the French Revolution to set the plot. Loads of fun, very well-written.

      1. Thlayli*

        They do hold up much better when you read them all in a row. I also recommend the WOT wiki site when rereading as it helps you keep track of all the minor characters. Not sure if you can set it to a particular book to prevent spoilers though.

    6. Earthwalker*

      I might not have enjoyed Sanderson’s Calamity series (Steelheart, Firefight, and Calamity) so much if I had not started it as an audiobook. The reader is perfect at acting the teenage protagonist and makes for a lively tale for long drives in the car. The books are based on the question of what would happen if there were supervillains and no superheroes, just regular people. Sounds awfully corny, and it is a little bit, but Sanderson makes it work and comes to a great surprise answer at the end. It’s much like his Mistborn series in that way. Those are three very long novels that get more complicated and grimmer as they proceed toward a really amazing and satisfying conclusion. Both those series and the Way of Kings series are good vs evil plots.

    7. DrWombat*

      I cannot rec the Young Wizards series high enough. Diane Duane wrote it, ad she’s re-released them as updated ebooks on her site. Epic struggle between good and evil but set in a universe where magic is basically the language that writes the universe. Featuring talking dogs, aliens, excellent female and PoC representation, and a lot of really wonderful discussion about choosing to be good and the nature of being a good person. Also she wrote for Star Trek (her work influenced a lot of the Vulcan and Romulan stuff in the new films) and she is a wonderful person!

    8. Lynn*

      Try the Archangel series by Sharon Shinn, there’s only five books, so it’s not a long series, but it’s a good read (and we appear to have similar tastes in books).

    9. Discordia Angel Jones*

      Late to the party (I hope you read this!), but I really enjoyed WoT, although I haven’t actually read the Brandon Sanderson books yet (I waited until they were all released so I could read all the books from book 1 in a satisfying romp through, but am currently halfway through book 2 again and… I stalled).

      I particularly remember struggling through books 5 and 6 the first time, nothing much seems to happen story wise there, but it does get good again.

      I came, however, to recommend the Saga of Recluce by L. E. Moddesitt! If you like the classic good v evil struggle, those books are very much about that. I really enjoyed all of them (even the later ones, there are some still being released up til 2017), and I didn’t feel it was too stereotypical and had balanced male/female dynamics (although a couple of things in the second book in the series really annoyed me).

      The first book is called the Magic of Recluce, and I’d recommend you read them in order of publication (I’ve both done that, which jumps around in the timeline of the world, and read in chronological order, which was on my second read through, but I don’t recommend you do that first time round as there are references and spoilers which you won’t appreciate!).

      The books are also shorter than the WoT tomes, so you could conceivably read them more quickly.

      :D

    10. DC*

      I’m going to second Young Wizards, and add Cinda Chida Williams series of The Warrior, The Wizard, etc if you like those. All her stuff is good, but that series is similar to Young Wizards.

      And if you liked Rook, try The Powder Mage.

  55. Grandma Mazur*

    Does anyone have any tips for how to stop cats marking/spraying in the house?

    We have two boys, both neutered, 6 years old. They have been doing it for a few years now but it’s become more problematic with the arrival of a tiny human in July.

    We’ve not had much success with Feliway but haven’t really tried too hard in the last 12 months (getting one for every room has been expensive and being able to locate a socket where it’s not obstructed by furniture in every room has proved impossible) but could try this again if the investment will be worth it. They were also on Zylkene for a while but it only worked for a couple of weeks.

    We think they started because larger entire males were coming into the garden (and possibly into the house – difficult to tell while we were at work, but I’ve not had that happen while on maternity leave). The ginger cat started first, and after about 18 months his black and white brother decided he’d start too. The ginger cat does it much more though.

    I don’t clean with bleach where possible although I have been using biological detergent and have been advised to start using nonbio (will do when the bio runs out). We have a couple of products that claim to deter them but nothing actually seems to do that, and it is beyond my abilities to clean the entire house at once that they can no longer smell where they last sprayed, to try to break the habit (although we may be able to do this when we’ve finished the kitchen extension and could get a company in to do a deep clean).

    Any thoughts?

    1. cat socks*

      The website Cat Faeries has products and tips to help with spraying. Try cleaning the areas with a product like Nature’s Miracle or Urine Off. Feliway also makes a spray that you can use on urine marked spots and bedding/furniture around the house. Jackson Galaxy might have resources on his side.

      You may need to find a way to prevent strange cats from coming around your house. In our old house we used a motion activated device hooked up to a hose that would shoot a stream of water. I think it was named scarecrow…something. Sorry, can’t recall the exact name.

        1. Grandma Mazur*

          Thanks for these recommendations! We have the Urine Off, which was sadly not effective, but I wasn’t aware of the others so will give those a go.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve found it’s nearly impossible to stop cats from spraying once they start. In my case it seems to be a territory issue, although the cat the does it is a sensitive boy so I think it’s part territorial and part stress. One of my girls never sprayed until we moved into the new house. All of sudden she was spraying everywhere and never stopped, which made the boy spray even more. She’s gone now, but he’s still spraying. I haven’t been able to stop him, but the Feliway plugins seem to help somewhat. I agree they’re expensive and it’s a pain to find the right spot for them. I really hate doing it, but I put up cardboard in front of his common spraying areas. It doesn’t stop it, but it at least protects what’s behind it, like the entertainment center or my hutch that has a million little slats in the doors, and I can change it out every couple weeks. I save the boxes each time I get a litter shipment from Chewy (every three weeks or so).

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        The cardboard “solution” is where we’ve gotten to as well – Ikea boxes from tiny human’s new furniture now protect the pram, car seat, etc – and in a way it’s a relief to know we can’t stop it happening (I kept thinking we just needed to be better about cleaning it away so that they’d… forget to do it?) but I’m a bit worried about what happens when the baby starts crawling, while still being of an age where he puts everything in his mouth, and have no idea what to do once he’s walking… The sensitive boy part of your comment really resonated (he became a lot more skittish just before he started spraying, and that has gotten a bit worse with the new arrival). The problem is there are just so many places that he sprays (I can count 8-10 in every room in the house, not every day or even every week but he comes back to all of them eventually). And I haven’t found a way to keep him off the kitchen countertop at night, which… Ugh. I try not to think about but do a lot of cleaning.

        Thanks for your comment! It’s nice to know we’re not alone. I miss the days before they sprayed but they’re still our boys.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Oof yeah. I hear you on the counter thing. At one point I had two boys that would basically having a spraying contest almost everyday and it was awful. They’re both gone but I still have the one that sprays now.. I have a lot of cats so it’s likely territorial with him. With the girl it was the change of houses. Cats are really sensitive to change so that may be why yours is spraying more now. Good luck!

    3. Lynn*

      It’s a hard problem to stop. Other than cleaning (and you’re going to have to eliminate the smells from marking to ever get it to stop completely) and then using a pheromone spray, the thing to do is manage the anxieties and stresses that are causing it. Create a routine for the cats with a set mealtime and playtime with you. Use food puzzles to keep their attention focused and minimize chances to get bored and stressed. Eliminate views outside if they’re seeing other cats. Cover the places they’re spraying with pheromone spray to encourage cheek marking instead of spraying. Increase the number of litter boxes so they don’t have to associate toileting with competition/stress. Have a safe room to put each of them in if there are visitors/new situations that might stress them out. Increase their available “territory” by adding vertical space (cat shelves or climbers, paths to get to high places, etc). Given how long it’s been going on now, you might never get it to stop entirely, especially with what sounds like indoor/outdoor cats (since you indicated other cats could get in), but to have a chance, you’ve got to start now and work at it.

  56. Victoria, Please*

    I really want to cut out sugar and I am having *such a hard time*. I’m not too worried about sugar in processed food, as I just don’t eat a lot of that. Avoiding snacks at work is the worst.

    Any advice, websites, etc., that people have found helpful?

    1. Sarah G*

      I definitely find that “all or nothing” works best for me. Here are some recipes that might be helpful:
      https://www.thecandidadiet.com/candida-recipes-desserts/
      http://www.theburlapbag.com/2012/07/2-ingredient-cookies-plus-the-mix-ins-of-your-choice/

      ALSO, for me, at least initially, it helps to avoid high-sugar fruits like bananas and mango, and to think of fruit as a treat to be eaten in moderation. I mean, fruit is great for you of course, but at least initially, it helps to keep glycemic index in mind with all your food choices, in order to train your body and to moderate your insulin levels.

      Most berries are really low-sugar, btw, and are great with plain greek yogurt!

    2. cat socks*

      The blog Pinch of Yum recently did a sugar free series for the month of January. Lots of recipes, product reccomendations and a meal plan.

    3. Layla*

      Maybe bring nuts and dried fruits as a snack? It works for me when I get home from work and am starved, just grabbing a handfull and eat it.

    4. Erika22*

      I did no added sugar for January, and once I got past the first five days (terrible withdrawal headaches, especially after the holidays) it was pretty easy. But no added sugar is easier than no sugar period – I needed fruit and bread to stay sane. Buzzfeed has a few week-long meal plans for low/no sugar with shopping lists and prep plans, which make it super easy. I’m also a huge fan of Iskra’s meal plan app EveryBODY with Iskra – it’s like $3.50/week, and all of her recipes are vegetarian, gluten free, no added sugar, etc. (I too am an all or nothing kind of person, so I actually found it harder to go back to eating a little bit of added sugar after January was over, since I got so used to being like NO BUT THAT HAS SUGAR. Moderation can be so difficult ugh.)

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      When I need to get off most sugar (white processed, sweets, etc) I do a modified Whole 30 – as in I basically follow the rules but dont sweat it if I dont have THE EXACT INGREDIENT or say I have a tasty recipe that is 99% compliant but maybe has a teaspoon of maple syrup in it. It gives me good guidelines to what I can have and to follow. Takes about five days, although I have found a coping tool such as a banana spread with a little bit of peanut butter at night for the first few days really cuts down on feeling deprived. Supposedly pb is not allowed on Whole 30, but I tried it with cashew butter which is, and its just not the same.

      Also – definitely meal planning! If I don’t know what we are cooking for the week it is WAY too easy to start reaching for quick carbs and takeaways that are stuffed with sugar. I keep a spreadsheet with W30 and paleo recipes that are tried and tested as well as new ones, and rotate them weekly. Also helps with the grocery shopping!

      Finally – be aware that this is a process, you won’t be 100% right off the bat. In the last year of bouncing on and off this diet focus we have given up almost all soda in this house, a lot of alcohol, cut way back on milk and dairy use, and I couldn’t tell you the last time I baked treats and the like. Ive also found it much easier to avoid goodies at work now too.

    6. Melody Pond*

      I was just talking to my mom about something like this yesterday. She’s been a long-time sugar addict (certainly for my entire life), and the way she described it to me from what her doctor told her, her immune system is now starting to attack her thyroid.

      So her doctor now wants her to quit sugar – but not JUST sugar. Apparently she can basically only eat vegetables and meat for a while, not even nuts or fruits or any types of legumes. Oh and also nothing in the nightshade family – no tomatoes, or even white potatoes. It’s like if Whole30 was even more restrictive. Supposedly the aim of this is to hit the “reset” button on her system.

      She was telling me that she does seem to have noticed that eating *any* type of grains seems to go hand-in-hand with sugar cravings. Like if she has any rice or bread or even quinoa – even a tiny amount with dinner – that that always seemed to ensure that her sugar cravings would stick around.

      So I know that is obviously a super drastic approach, and what is working for my mom may not work for you. But I thought I’d suggest that if you’re having a super hard time with the sugar cravings, maybe it’d also be worth trying to cut out these other foods (especially grains – rice, wheat, quinoa, etc.) to see if that makes it easier?

    7. Oxford Coma*

      Quit one thing at a time, and add to it as you go.

      First, I quit sugar in my coffee. Gave myself about a month to learn to tolerate it. Kept everything else the same. Second, I quit soda. I tried to steer myself towards unsweet tea when craving flavor, but allowed fruit juices to because they weren’t yet explicitly forbidden. Third, I quit all other sugared beverages. Dealing with beverage changes overall took me about 3-4 months total. Fourth, I moved on to solids. Quit candy, then baked goods, then ice cream. And so on.

  57. anonymouse*

    I’m at my wits end and could really use some advice. Warning, wall of text to follow.

    18 months ago my second cousin’s son died. She has no other children. She’s divorced from his father. It happened years before her son died and custody was shared 50/50.

    I hate to say this but ever since his death she has been a nightmare. It is too the point she has alienated everyone around her.

    Examples: At her work, she had two months off after he died. This month included bereavement and all her PTO, sick and vacation. She was in no shape to go back to work. At her job everyone below the board and csuite is hourly and the hours are 9-5 with a one hour unpaid lunch. For months her coworkers took a half an hour lunch and worked the other half and ‘donated’ the time to my cousin so she would keep getting paid. Even though this was technically against policy the company allowed it because it was voluntary on the part of her coworkers. The company also gave her free days off paid. This went on for months where she was collecting a salary but not coming in.

    After she went back there were incidents. Her workplace is a large building with many floors. There are several lunch rooms. Someone told someone else how sorry they were his dog died. My cousin lost it on them. She screamed at him and ended up flipping over their table. Neither of these people had ever met my cousin. They didn’t know about her son and she was not a part of their conversation in any way. She screamed for several minutes until security was involved.

    She called the people who donated time at work to her glassbowls because they were going to celebrate Christmas with their families. One of them brought in baked goods to the office and my cousin threw them at people because they weren’t was enough for her. She also spread rumors that several of her coworkers were having affairs when it never happened. The last straw was her snatching a phone from the hand of a client in a meeting she was not involved in because she was passing by the room and heard the client telling her coworker about his grandchildren. She threw the phone across the room and screamed at him until security had to be called. She had no previous relationship with this client. She was fired because no one at the company could handle working with her.

    She was evicted because she didn’t pay rent for months. She had the money because she was still getting paid but she said she was in too much of a fog. Her landlord tried to work with her given the circumstances but couldn’t go months anymore without money. She blamed him for evicting a grieving mother but never tried to pay him money she had and said she shouldn’t have to pay rent because she lost her son. She’s about to be evicted from her new place again for the same reason. Her first landlord gave her a break and hasn’t perused the missing rent and didn’t give her a bad rent reference. She’s about to get evicted again.

    She was asked to stop coming to her church because she cursed out the other church goes for not praying for her son loud and hard enough. She also hit/swiped everything off the altar because she was mad about the church praying for others who died that were “old” and not her son. She damaged several of their cars with a stick. They didn’t call the police but asked her not to come back.

    These are just some examples. I could write a novel. I don’t claim to know what her grief is (I have only ever lost relatives who were 80 or older and died naturally in their sleeps with no illness) but she is acting beyond the pale.

    There is no history of mental illness with her or in the family. She was never like this before her son died. She was the exact opposite. I have tried to understand. Family and friends have tried. But her behavior is so far that we can’t stand her anymore.

    Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? If it were a few small outbursts no one would say anything. But she has taken it to another level. She has never threatened herself or others so we can’t get her help or therapy and she doesn’t want it because she says no one understands and everyone is out to get her.

    She’s pretty much lost everyone in her life including most of the family. I don’t want it to come to that but she is pushing it hard in the direction. If she is being this hateful and won’t listen is there anything I can do or is it a lost cause? Thank you for reading.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      This sounds really horribly difficult and something beyond the normal person’s level to help solve.

      It sounds as though your cousin needs professional medical help i.e. grief counselling or something. I’ve never experienced anything close to this. However, I do have experience with a brother who suffers from depression and anxiety and I can tell you from that experience that your ability to help is limited by their ability to listen.

      I led my brother to counselling sessions, to doctor’s appointments; I coached him through how to handle work problems caused by his depression and anxiety but nothing worked because he wasn’t ready for the change.

      Your cousin needs to be ready to accept help and, until that point, there is really nothing you can do. You can be ready for when she’s ready but it sounds as though your hands are tied. Just make sure that she’s not a danger to herself and others, keep an eye on that, and if the situation changes, call the people you need to call to ensure her safety.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, wow. So basically she got hit by something she couldn’t handle and she fractured.

      I’m going through something with people close to me that isn’t dissimilar; they got hit with something too and they’re making choices that mean they’re not going to recover. And it’s been really hard, and helping just makes things worse. So I’m doing a lot of thinking about our inability to control the bad decisions of other adults, even adults who are suffering.

      1. Casuan*

        I’m going through something with people close to me that isn’t dissimilar; they got hit with something too and they’re making choices that mean they’re not going to recover. And it’s been really hard, and helping just makes things worse. So I’m doing a lot of thinking about our inability to control the bad decisions of other adults, even adults who are suffering.

        Fposte, this really touches me because it’s so true for me as well. It hasn’t been easy for me to accept, although finally I’ve grasped this enough to understand that I can only do so much, especially because anything I do to help only makes things worse, including not trying to help. The person in question is in perpetual victim mode & it’s so frustrating! I’m thankful that I’ve finally realised this once & for all. One day I might decide there’s an opportunity for me to try again, although that must be something I’ve not yet tried before.

        1. fposte*

          It’s a concept that I understand intellectually, and I was aware of how this comes up in situations like addiction and substance abuse. I just had no idea that would rear it head in something so far from those.

    3. Turtlewings*

      The loss of her son is terrible, and she deserves a lot of patience and sympathy for it — but not this much. Clearly she’s hurting terribly, but she doesn’t have a monopoly on suffering, and you just flat CAN’T treat people like she’s treating them. If you do, you will lose your job, your house, your friends, etc. and that’s just the natural consequence of her behavior. She desperately needs psychological help and it’s a shame she won’t take it, but if she won’t let people help her, well, then she’ll just have to bear the consequences until such time as she can alter her behavior. That’s not a good or happy conclusion, but it’s the only conclusion. Keep the door open, so to speak, so she can come back to her loved ones when she’s ready — but don’t let her mistreat you. Grief is awful but it doesn’t give her the right to act that way.

      1. Observer*

        Keep the door open, so to speak, so she can come back to her loved ones when she’s ready — but don’t let her mistreat you. Grief is awful but it doesn’t give her the right to act that way.

        This, 1,000 times over.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      It sounds like she might not want to recover. She’s creating situations that are forcing her life into a mold of…idk, every consequence she’s feeling is a direct result of her son’s death, and maybe that’s what she wants in a way. She might be scared of getting to a point of recovery where she can survive the fact that her son is dead. She doesn’t want to live past this.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is quite an insight. And such a sad one.

        anonymouse, maybe she’s trying to hit rock bottom, in a way? The question is, what resources would be available to her when/if she decides to seek help? E.g., an addict can go to rehab, but what comparably comprehensive program is there for grief?

        This is a tough one. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do directly for her, but perhaps you could consult with a grief counselor or mabye even a psychiatrist specializing in grief to find out what resources might be available to her?

    5. EB*

      We’ve not had anything this extreme in my family but my late uncle had some major issues. He’d function well for a couple years, then spiral out of control and hit rock bottom and become unable to support himself. The whole family had to sit down and figure out how they were going to support him– it was generally agreed upon that we’d offer to help but only under certain conditions (i.e., attending therapy, doing work around the house while he looked for a job). That worked fairly well, it kept him stable while he was living with family– but as soon as he was back out on his own things would kind of fall apart again despite our best intentions and continued support.

      I’d say that if you’re in a position to help, maybe think about the conditions that need to be met for you to help her should she ever reach out and stand firm. Recognize that the anger isn’t a problem with you and that’s it’s her own mental health issues. And, not saying you need it, but remember that it’s perfectly normal to seek therapy for yourself if you feel like you need it! Not sure how close you are to your cousin, but I found it helpful to talk about my uncle with a therapist when he was living with my parents and we were all under one roof.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t want to say lost cause because I prefer to believe that no one is a totally lost cause. However, her problems are so intense that it will take a team of people to pull her out of where she is at. And that is IF she wants to be helped. You will NOT be able to do this alone and you COULD place yourself in danger if you try.

      Unfortunately, the safest thing for you to do right now is to step back and let nature run it’s course. IF she keeps going then this will involve the police and the courts. If you get wind of something that seems reportable to the police then please do so, report it.

      Keep in mind that there could be an external that is exasperating the behaviors such as drug or alcohol addiction.

      I have seen this a couple times in life, not exactly this but similar enough. What is left is praying if you are so inclined or positive wishes/thoughts tossed out to the universe. Perhaps someone who is not family will be allowed to connect with her.

      Not to justify the behavior, because nothing justifies this behavior but from what I have seen in watching people grieve losing a child is the ultimate loss. I had four family members lose adult children. All four family members were dead within two years. The shortest lived was a few weeks. This is a horrible, horrible grief that has no mercy, it’s relentless, pounding, 24/7 grief. Let’s say she calms down tomorrow and never has any behaviors again, you would still have a cousin with profound grief. Again, nothing justifies her behavior, what she has done is wrong, period.

      Can I just say to everyone who is reading, if heaven forbid you are hit by tragedy in your life don’t let yourself fall into isolation. Make yourself let other people help you. People can be really awesome and super thoughtful if we just give them a chance to do that. You don’t have to walk alone.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        NSNR, thank you for your last paragraph. Human beings need connections with other human beings ( and/or animals, for some of us). It’s also best if everybody gets a chance to both give and receive support.

      2. Casuan*

        Not So NewReader commented on an earlier post & it is amazing.

        Can I just say to everyone who is reading, if heaven forbid you are hit by tragedy in your life don’t let yourself fall into isolation. Make yourself let other people help you. People can be really awesome and super thoughtful if we just give them a chance to do that. You don’t have to walk alone.

        in context:
        https://www.askamanager.org/2018/02/weekend-free-for-all-february-17-18-2018.html#comment-1859090

      3. nep*

        I get the sentiment and the importance people place on not going it alone.
        ‘Make yourself let other people help you’ — easier said than done for many. Everyone’s different in how they choose to cope with tragedy / pain in the moment.
        I think this comes to mind just because I get a slight sense of resentment when I hear things like it’s almost my duty to allow others to give — that I must let myself be on the receiving end of help no matter how I feel about it (the gist I get from Jean (just Jean)’s comment). That’s almost like a new burden.
        Anyway in the midst of a tragedy everyone’s going to react and act as he/she will.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep, definitely help is a personalize level of participation. I would throw out there that if accepting help feels like a duty/obligation then it’s not true and meaningful help. Actual help does not have additional layers of complex feelings. And actual help lifts us up, it does not pull us down.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          Oh, gosh, no, I did not mean that we are obliged to endure any and all types of help that others wish to share or inflict on us. I was trying to communicate the idea that because all people are connencted by their common humanity it is better not to leave others, or oneself, feeling alone during hard times. (This assumes mutual good will, not hatred, and none of the so-called “tolerance” by which one person makes a big deal out of “overlooking” the so-called deficiencies of the other. It also assumes that people are free to give/receive support without totally unbalancing anyone’s life.

        3. Casuan*

          Definitely one should never feel that one must accept help just because it’s offered.
          For me, I discovered that my insistence to do things for myself would cause more inconvenience to those who were trying to help me.
          There was a time when I couldn’t easily walk & when my friends came to get my grocery list, I’d think that I shouldn’t be letting them go without me so I’d insist on going with them. What I never realised was that what would have been about 45 minutes for them would become at least 2 hours because of my stubborness. After, I’d be so fatigued that I’d need even more help than if hadn’t gone. I didn’t catch on until they banded together & told me that they were glad to do my errands- on the condition that I stayed put. Initially I was offended & hurt, although after I realised it was true I was glad they told me.

    7. Casuan*

      Wo.
      Anonymouse, what you described… your cousin’s behaviour is so far off the charts that this isn’t a matter of trying to get her to want or accept help. This isn’t as simple as she can’t think clearly & bills got ignored, nor do I think that your cousin is thinking clearly enough to “want” to hit rock bottom. This is more that she is losing touch with reality, reacting from paranoia, & becoming physical. Nor is this intermittent; this is with every situation at home, work & church.

      You seem to be the only one who understands the scope of her behaviour. It’s too bad that others in the family backed off [although I can understand how it happened] & her company has been more than supportive & patient, as have her landlords. As for her church, I’m a bit surprised that no one seems to recognise there’s more to her behaviour than grieving for her son. It’s no surprise that your at your wit’s end!

      If you think you can hang on a bit longer, there are a few things you can try.
      -Talk with grief counsellor[s] & ask for their for their take on what’s going on & what you can do to best help your cousin. Probably she isn’t the only one to be so affected by the death of a loved one, especially a child. Hospice might be your best resource here.
      -This could be a ptsd response? Some ptsd counsellors provide a free consultation to determine if this might be the case. Probably they would be willing to advise you of what, if anything, you can do for to support your cousin.
      -Talk with the facility to which one could be admitted via the Baker Act. Unless your cousin threatens to harm herself or others, the Baker Act wouldn’t apply, however the facility should have counsellors that can advise you as to what, if anything, you can try to help your cousin.

      Before you do anything, is it feasible to talk with the family & to let them know you suspect there are more serious issues than they might think? You could tell them what you are planning to do & get an idea if they’re willing to help. If they’re not willing to help your cousin directly, they might be willing to support your efforts.

      Your cousin isn’t hearing or processing anything because she has this awful narrative in her head that no one cares or is grieving enough for her son. So until you get more of a handle on what’s going on & if there’s any help you can get for her, just listen to your cousin without suggesting that she try this or that. And definitely don’t tell her that you’re researching on her behalf.

      If you do find a counsellor [or whomever] to work with your cousin, keep your explanation simple: That you know she misses her son & is grieving, that she hasn’t been herself, & that you are worried for her. If you’re willing, offer to accompany her to at least her first appointment. Of course the decision is hers to make, although at least you’ll know that you’ve tried all you can do to help.

      You might learn that you really can’t do anything. Hopefully on some level your cousin understands that you’ve been trying to help.
      Good luck & my thoughts are with you both.

      ps: Something I want to suggest although I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not…
      Between the lines of what you wrote, your cousin is uspet that others aren’t acknowledging her son’s liife or death. I want to suggest that you could try to ask her questions about her son, like that time he did this or how cute he was in his first Halloween costume, however this suggestion might be a very bad idea.

      1. Observer*

        Eh “What, if anything you can do” really doesn’t apply here. The only thing that the OP can do is to find out what resources there are and pass the information on when / if the relative shows any interest.

        I don’t think that the church doesn’t get that there is more than grief going on. On the contrary, it sounds like they do realize it, but they don’t have the capacity to either diagnose or deal with it. Same for family. It doesn’t really matter if it’s “just” grief or something else. She’s harming others and is unwilling to get / accept help at this point. Her family is backing off to protect themselves, much as they might to with an addict who is stealing or abusing people.

    8. Triplestep*

      Has there been any discussion in your family about getting her professional help? Inpatient treatment would also address the problem of her impending eviction. This, of course, assumes that she’d agree to it. I’m not sure how effective any treatment is when it’s against the person’s will. However if she ends up hospitalized for medical reasons, they may keep her for psychological ones, and then she would not have that much to say about it.

      It’s been suggested here that the police be called if her behavior seems to warrant it, and while she should not be let off the hook for illegal and dangerous behavior, no prison is going to help with any underlying psychological or addition problem. My husband has a family-member with both, and when he ends up in jail, the powers that be do what ever they can to get rid of him, including dropping charges so he’s not their problem anymore.

      I’m sorry for your family’s loss, and that you’re all having to deal with your cousin’s issues in the aftermath.

      1. Observer*

        Calling the police has two POSSIBLE advantages. One, it might be the one “bottoming out” thing that makes Relative open to help. Secondly, it might be helpful in forcing involuntary treatment.

        Neither is certain of course. And as you point out, involuntary treatment tends to be less useful. But, it’s all that the OP has at the moment.

  58. Rusty*

    I hate that I’m asking such a stereotypical q, but I need perspective. In a long-distance relationship – really long distance; I used to live in the States, had to move back to Europe in September because of Visa stuff. SO & I said we’d take turns flying back & forth, but in reality because of the nature of my job, it’s easier for me to visit him – but he also earns waaaaaaay more than me, so financially it’s harder. So this week I booked to fly over in March, then it was Valentine’s Day, & our first anniversary the day after. So I sent him some gifts, one for Valentiens & one for our anniversay, along with the news that I had booked the trip (not a complete surprise or anything, but I finally had the money to do so), & also I just sent him so voice messages & little videos of me telling him I loved him & missed him etc.

    And you guessed it…. I got nada. Not a card or gift – not even a phone call. We did text during the week, & he said thank you for the gifts, & got a few ‘I Love You’ messages, but nothing else. And I’m not a materialistic person, honestly, so it’s not like I was expecting a mountain of gifts, but a gesture. Because we’re in a LDR, I feel like these things are more important because we don’t get to show each other that we care every day, like normal couples. I’m a more emotionally open person than he is so I find it easier to tell him all the reasons I love him – but he didn’t really try tell me beyond the generic “I Love You”, & then didn’t try do anything to show me, either. And I just feel a bit sad & stupid, & insecure about how much he actually cares about me – which is a shitty feeling when I’ve just booked to fly 8000km to see him…

    I don’t know if I’m overreacting or even how to broach it, tbh. It just seems so self-evident to me that this was a week to make some effort.

    1. Thlayli*

      I think you should pull back for a little while and see if he puts in the effort. Long distance rarely works, and it sounds like he might not be willing to put in the effort to make it work.

    2. Sarah G*

      You’re not overreacting — I would bummed too, but there’s no way to know what he’s thinking or where he’s coming from if you don’t talk with him about. It makes sense to look at this issue in the context of the overall relationship, and how he treats you in general. I would recommend telling him you were hurt by this and why, preferably over a phone or video chat, and see how he responds. If you can’t communicate with him about stuff like this, it’s not going to work in the long term.
      Also, it sounds like you’ve been taking on more of the travel burden? If he earns waaay more than you, he should be helping with that expense, especially if you are visiting more! Hopefully he at least treats you to most things while you are in town? It sounds like your relationship became long distance only 7 months in, and a cross-atlantic relationship is quite an obstacle for a new-ish relationship, which I know you know, but you need to make sure he is as invested in this as you are. Good luck!

      1. Rusty*

        Thank you for your response. RE: Expenses & stuff, he’s definitely not ungenerous or inconsiderate about that, I’m just not really into letting him pay for things if I can pay. He does cover more than I do – when he choosesexpensive restaurants etc he’ll pay or pay more than me, & would do it more if I needed him to. We have said that if we need to split my travel costs we could, I just didn’t feel it was necessary this time.

        I think my attitude towards money etc is actually what’s making the conversation hard – because I’m not a big “buy me things!” person, I find it hard to say “yes, sending me something this week would have meant a lot.” And I think because I’m fairly low-maintenance about stuff like that, he’s now completely dropped the ball on trying. And he’s aware that he’s not the best at expressing himself through words, but I don’t know if that means it’s okay for me go say “But then you have to start doing it through your actions” – without making it sound like I’m looking for gifts. Bleugh.

        1. Sarah G*

          You’re welcome! And glad to hear he is considerate about the expenses overall. And like you said in your original post, it’s not about gifts or material things — a card with a nice note in it would have gone a long way, or the little video and voice messages you did which didn’t cost anything — the point is it’s not about money.
          Some people are just not into V Day so maybe he just doesn’t realize it’s important to you, but the fact that your anniversary was the following day makes it feel like a Big Deal to you. Maybe he doesn’t realize this is important to you, and maybe it hasn’t occurred to him that it’s even more important because of the distance. It’s best to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be confrontational, but just let him know it’s important to you and that you were hurt/disappointed, although you realize that he probably didn’t know it was important to you. His reaction to this will tell you a lot!

          1. Rusty*

            Thanks, I will keep that in mind when talking to him. Thanks for being so kind, I feel stupid being a “I didn’t get anything for Valentine’s!” person so it means a lot to feel understood!

            1. Sarah G*

              No problem — it’s so easy to overthink this stuff when you’re the one in it — I’m a pro at overthinking! The key is communication. Some version of Parenthetically’s script below sounds good, although the “so I don’t feel like I’m chasing you,” seems a bit off-putting to me. But I’m sure whatever you come up with in your own words will be just right.

    3. Elkay*

      You’re not over-reacting, did you ask why he didn’t send anything? I was long distance (weekends only) with my now DH and one year he just plain forgot valentines, don’t ask me how it happened but it did. It sucks but it’s not the end of the world.

      1. Rusty*

        I know he didn’t forget, because I was worried about my gifts arriving in time & they had a theme (I’m extra) so last week I sent him a message saying “Hey, two packages are arriving for you – the flat one is to be opened on Valentines, the square one our Anniversary”, so he got a heads up the dates were coming AND that I had got him something.

    4. Parenthetically*

      My husband and I were VERY long distance, so I hear what you’re saying about gestures being a bigger deal. We hardly do anything for birthdays/Christmas/whatever now, but it definitely seemed more serious when we were 10,000 miles away from each other.

      OK, not to start with the obvious but: have you told him, using clear and specific words, that commemorating anniversaries and special occasions is important to you, and EXTRA important because you’re long distance? I know you say it “seems so self-evident” that he should have made some effort, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about humans, it’s that the range of approaches to holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries is BROAD. And if there is a second thing I’ve learned about humans it’s that LOTS of people see their way as the obvious, sensible, default position, and so they just never bother to communicate to their loved ones how they would prefer things to be done — so they end up walking around in a haze of confusion or hurt or annoyance or frustration because they assume other people KNOW the “right” way to do things but are being difficult for one reason or another.

      I would also say, DO NOT back off or cool it down without talking to him. Passive-aggressive “tests” to see what someone is going to do? Ugh, no. Communication is what adults do. I think you approach this by communicating to him the effect his actions have had, without assuming that that was his intent. I think that’s key when you feel hurt, to frame it as effect vs. intent. So send him a message or give him a call and say, “Hey, when you don’t make an effort on holidays it makes me feel distant from you and like I’m putting in more effort than you are into our relationship. I don’t want to assume that’s your intention — quite the opposite! I assume you love me as you say you do! But it’s important that you know that stuff like our anniversary is really important to me, and is especially important because we don’t have the normal face-to-face stuff that other couples do, so I would like for you to observe it with something beyond our ordinary chats. Can you help me understand what your approach to those things is, and can we talk about how to meet in the middle so I don’t feel like I’m chasing you?”

      Good luck! :)

      1. Rusty*

        That’s a really lovely way to phrase it! That conveys exactly what the issue is, which I think I’ve been struggling to phrase without making it seem like that the material goods are the issue. Thank you so much for that thoughtful response, will use that!

        And so lovely to hear that you & your husband made it through the LD bit & are still going strong – success stories keep me going :)

      2. Colleen*

        Yup. My DH needed to be told “it’s Valentines day. I want a card and flowers. Homemade and yard-picked are perfectly fine.

        Took him a few years but he’s caught on. Now he has 3 daughters so I make him get them a little something too (my dad always-and still does- consider me his valentine ;)). This year they all got balloons and heart shaped donuts for breakfast. We’re low maintenance ladies.

    5. Temperance*

      Is there a reason he doesn’t help pay for your travel when you’re doing more of the work and he has more money?

      1. Rusty*

        There was another q about that; he’s definitely not ungenerous or inconsiderate about finances, I’m just not really into letting him pay for things if I can pay. He does generally cover more than I do – when he chooses expensive restaurants etc he’ll pay or pay more than me; we went on a trip & he covered about 2/3 of it; & he would do cover more if I needed him to. We have said that if we need to split my travel costs we could, I just didn’t feel it was necessary this time.

        1. ..Kat..*

          But flying from Europe to the United States is expensive. He pays for dinner at an expensive restaurant (or pays half). Seriously? It sounds to me that you are paying for the vast majority of expenses, and yet he makes way more than you. I know this sounds harsh, but can you afford this relationship? Is he as into you as you are to him? Are you at least saving for your future (retirement savings, emergency savings, etc), or are you spending every thing you have on traveling to see him? Why are you martyring yourself by paying all of your travel expenses if he is so willing and able to pay them? You are more able to take the time to travel and he is more able to pay for the travel. But you seem to feel you need to spend both your time and money. While he spends neither. Why?

          1. Snuggly muggle*

            I have to agree. Presumably the trips to see each other are for you and him, not just you. I think if he is in the position to be able to he should be paying half the traveling expenses, regardless of who is the one actually traveling.

    6. Triplestep*

      I’m going to be the dissenter here: I am completely unsentimental about Valentines Day (and I’m female, if that makes a difference.) You mention your anniversary was the day after Valentines – I’m not sentimental about those either, but my husband is, so I play along. If someone like me started a relationship on February 15th, the following Valentine’s Day they’d be one year in with no model for how to handle these sentimental milestones. You did quite a bit to mark the day, but did you ever discuss his feelings about it? As a couple you had celebrated neither Valentines nor an anniversary, yet you had some really clear expectations for which you had no example or history in this particular relationship. It sounds like he’s pretty demonstrative without having a holiday or milestone providing a schedule for such things.

      I think you need to talk more about what you’ll need now that your relationship is this long distance.

      On the question of who pays to maintain this LDR, I suggest you two open a virtual bank account into which you deposit a small percentage of your salaries each time you get paid. Then use this fund to pay for LDR expenses like travel. The percentages will be equal, but since he earns more, his contribution will be higher. Some couples who live together but do not blend finances pay household expenses this way – it could work for you.

      1. Rusty*

        The account idea is a really good idea – like I said, it wasn’t an issue this time (as in, going isn’t causing me financial problems), but moving forward that’s great, thank you.

        And I do understand that people have different expectations, & I felt like I had telegraphed pretty clearly that it was important to me – I reminded him of our anniversary, he knew the week before that I was sending him gifts for both holidays etc, even after he got the gifts & videos & messages he didn’t hop on Interflora or even call me. So it is hard for me to understand.

        He is demonstrative when we’re together, I think he just hasn’t figured out how to show that he loves me long-distance – which is why I was so disappointed where there were these two big days that are culturally signposted as “Do something nice for your SO!” days & he didn’t make an effort. So I think that’s going to be the bigger conversation, but I’m taking on the advice above about intent/affect etc, & being clear & explicit about what is important to me.

        1. Triplestep*

          For some people, hearing “This holiday or gesture is important to me” will be taken as “It’s important to me that *I* acknowledge it”. He may not have taken it as “… and I want *you* to do something for me, too”.

          When my husband used to want to acknowledge Valentine’s Day, it was actually a problem for me. I did not want gifts, nor the pressure of giving gifts to him. Maybe your guy didn’t “take the hint” upon being told the gifts were coming because he doesn’t care about getting gifts on Valentines Day, and did not want the pressure (or obligation) of selecting any for you. I don’t know if this is the case, but it wouldn’t be unheard of. If true, it seems like instead of talking about it he chose to do nothing, and just let you do your thing. Perhaps he felt that letting you make a fuss over something that is important to *you* was keeping up his end of the bargain.

          My husband and I don’t give gifts on any occasion now; only “just because” gifts. No birthday, anniversary, etc. I just ordered Alison’s recommendation for him from my local bookstore (Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness) because I think he’ll enjoy it. No other reason. I wholeheartedly recommend this style of gift-giving.

          1. Rusty*

            I do also do the “just because” gifts & gestures a lot. He’s more of a “doing stuff to make your life easier/making you dinner/physically affectionate” person – which is AWESOME, just not really transferable in LDR. So think it needs to be a conversation about how he can be demonstrative. But thank you for the advice, it does give perspective on the difference between expectations & intent/affect, & I’ll make sure to open up the communication!

          2. Peggy*

            My wife and I only do “just because” gifts too. Like I recently got her one of those Night Sky prints that is a map of the stars from the location/night of our wedding in 2015, just because. (She gives me fewer gifts but does a lot of projects around the house and will often fix or make things that mean a lot to me. Like “while you were on your business trip I stripped and painted your closet door and hung up a rack for your purses!”) No birthday, Christmas, or anniversary. We just don’t need more STUFF, or to mark those events with purchasing items. For those occasions, we either plan a nice dinner at a restaurant we wouldn’t normally spring for out of our regular restaurant budget, or we go away somewhere for a night. It’s not for everyone but it’s perfect for us and I’m so glad we are on the same page about it!!

  59. New Bee*

    Spoiler-free Black Panther thread!

    I’m not seeing it until Monday morning, and I can’t wait! Post your anticipation, your outfits, and your memes here. :-)

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I am so excited about this film!

      It has a large number of my favourite actors in it – Chadwick Boseman, Daniel Kaluuya, Danai Gurai – and I’m am so psyched about it, particularly as the reviews have been favourable. Between this and Wonder Woman, I’m really hoping that comic book movies are getting good again after how formulaic and meh the main Avengers films have become.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Since we can’t say anything to spoil plot points, I’ll just say there are two shawarma scenes, so make sure to stay past the credits.

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      It was amazing! It’s tied with Captain America 2 as my favorite Marvel movie (Thor Ragnarok is a close second).

      Everyone was phenomenal and the ending made me really emotional. All the women were brilliant and I want a solo movie or TV series of just all the Wakanda women.

    4. Lady Jay*

      Also super excited about it! Probably won’t see it until next weekend (waiting for the crowds to die down a bit) and very much looking forward to it. I generally prefer origin stories to subsequent superhero films, as I think they have more interesting plots, more than just shoot-them-up, so this one seems really interesting. Plus, the previews made it look gorgeous.

      And is it bad to admit that I love the African accents of the characters? :)

    5. copy run start*

      I won’t spoil… but I just got back from it and it was AMAZING! You’re going to love it!

      And if you’ll excuse me, I now need to pack my bags in preparation for my move to Wakanda. :)

    8. Rusty*

      I loved it sooooo much – the world of Wakanda, the women, the costume design, even the villain is so interesting because his motivation is so understandable.

      I did think T’Challa himself wasn’t given enough charisma, tbh; not Boseman’s fault at all, I just thought the screenplay gave him a great backstory & motivation, but not much personality. I’m hoping that it’s just because there was so much world-building & he gets to shine a bit more in further installments.

    9. Femme d'Afrique*

      I just watched it last night and it was INCREDIBLE. I’m not a “superhero” fan, and definitely don’t watch movies based on comic books, but this one… Oh, what can I say about it? Please watch it and then come back to an open thread so we can talk about it. I absolutely loved it.

  60. Ktelzbeth*

    I have the Olympics on as I work on stuff around the house and currently it is hockey. I think that I just heard the announcer refer to a domestic violence incident that caused the arrest of a hockey player and his expulsion from his former team as an “unfortunate incident.” Domestic violence is not an unfortunate incident!

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        And I hope that is what he meant. It just seemed like really soft wording to me. By strict definitions of both words it is true, but it doesn’t connote to me how truly awful domestic violence is.

      2. Starley*

        It was Mike Milbury, who is a pile of garbage wearing a human suit. I guarantee you, in his heart of hearts, the hockey team suffering is more important than the impact on the victim.

        To paint a picture of the kind of guy Milbury is, when he was playing he once climbed into the stands and beat a fan with his own shoe. That incident is part of why the glass around rinks is higher than it used to be.

        1. Thlayli*

          He sounds like a lovely fellow! (Sarcasm).

          Yeah it does sound like he means “undortunate” to refer to the impact on the team.

    2. Ellen Ripley*

      I heard that too. :/ I wasn’t too surprised since there was a lot of apologist asshattery when the Slava Voynov incident first came out. Today’s comment definitely had a subtext of “oh, why did LA have to fire him, he’s such a good player.” Sigh.

      On the other hand, hockey has really improved on this sort of thing in recent years, and LA *did* let him go, whereas in past years it wouldn’t even have made it into the press, or if it did the team would have said “that’s a matter for the courts to decide, not us.” Bobby Hull was basically a known wife beater and none of that came out until well after he retired.

    3. Thing One*

      I have no idea how Mike Milbury (pretty sure he was the one who made that comment) is still employed, other than being part of the Good Ol’ Boys network. He’s a terrible announcer with a questionable understanding of what’s happening in any given game, he has a chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease, and quite frankly the part of his hockey career he’s best known for is the time he went into the stands to beat a fan with his shoe so it’s not like he has interesting insights into the life of a top player/GM to make up for the rest of it.

      1. Starley*

        If humanity could harness the power of the hot air Milbury spews from his piehole, we could completely eliminate the need for fossil fuels. I will never understand how he remains employed. I live in a dream universe where he’s fired and replaced by Ilya Bryzgalov.

        1. PX*

          <3 <3 <3 Best comment ever. My days of being an NHL fanatic are over, but man do I wish Ilya would get some love!

  61. Ruby*

    I will never be able to conceive or carry a child even with medical intervention (such as fertility treatments or drugs or surrogacy with my own eggs). Due to my mental illness I am not a candidate for adoption, surrogacy adoption or fostering. If I was in a relationship with someone who had a child/children from a previous relationship I would not be allowed to adopt them or be a hands on step-parent. Is anyone in the same boat as me and is forced to accept that they will never be parent, adoptive parent, or hands on step-parent? Basically that they will never have kids any way. How did you do it?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

      I am never going to be a parent, for various different reasons (and I respectfully ask that nobody suggests options or otherwise tries to give any advice). I could theoretically be a step-parent but I’m married to a childless man and would need a time machine to make that happen.

      I don’t know that I have accepted it. Sometimes it’s ok and sometimes it’s not. I have a history of backing off from friends who have kids without even realising I’m doing it. I feel very angry and upset that some people get to decide about whether they want kids without a load of medical obstacles standing in their way. I read an article the other day about being in your 20s and deciding whether you want kids and just wanted to throttle the writer.

      I would be a good parent, that’s the kicker. But I never will be. (Please nobody try to give advice. Seriously. Thanks.)

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m so sorry.
      I spent a lot of my life wanting kids and have ended up single in my 40s without any. My situation is not the same as yours, by any means, because I could adopt/foster/step-parent, but I turned a corner at some point and have ended up very much of two minds. A huge part of me wishes it had worked out when I was younger to start a family, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I want to start now. I feel like I missed the boat and am not always sure I have accepted the way things turned out. I focus on what I like about my life and the freedom I get from not having kids. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Support and hugs (or your preferred gesture of support) to you, RF, and anyone else out there.

    4. Kuododi*

      Oh my dear…my heart goes out to you….. I have said before on this forum that cancer made biological parenting impossible. Additionally for various reasons adoption is also not an option. DH has been a true partner in this journey….his first response when we got the news was that he wanted me to live as long as possible to be with him….children were just not important in the decision equation….. I go through good days and bad days even now…. I tend to get the most offended when people want to tell me it’s “God’s will” that I am dealing with this situation. I actually have a deep faith in God however the idea that the Almighty is looking to zap me for some unknown reason with cancer and infertility is offensive and makes Good out to be a sadist. I do believe that good can come from times of deep pain and that is what I hold on to. You are in my thoughts…. I wish Grace and Peace for you in this time of grief.

    5. Casuan*

      Ruby, I’m so sorry.
      Hopefully there are others here who can share similar experiences. All I can offer to you is the thought that what you’re feeling is a genuine loss. Have you ever considered grief counselling? That could help.
      My thoughts are with you!

    6. Anona*

      I’m sorry. My husband and I can’t legally foster or adopt, due to a long ago past drug conviction that our state has laws about related to fostering/adoption.

      We also had infertility issues for several years, and decided that ivf would be a no go.

      I did recently become pregnant unexpectedly, so feel free to disregard my comment/ I hope it’s not painful for you.

      But for us, it was a process to slowly accept that we probably wouldn’t have kids. My husband was fine without kids. But for me, it was a deep longing. But as time went on, and it got less and less likely, it helped me to think about what makes a valued life, and what I wanted life to be like. I made a list in Google docs where I listed all the things I wanted to do as a childfree person, the many places I wanted to go. I made a list of hobbies I wanted to take up, and made a Pinterest board that pinned positive quotes about being childfree.

      I also intentionally avoided spending much time around babies and kids, and stopped going to baby showers. I worked on cultivating my childfree friendships. I deactivated Facebook. I read articles written by childfree people, and joined a childfree Reddit board. And I went to counseling.

      It helped me to think about how there would probably always be things that would trigger me/be hard for me, like pregnancy announcements. But I began to take care of myself, and truly envision a full, whole life.

      It’s a hard road. I wish you grace and peace.

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      I am not infertile, but I have been told that if I get pregnant, I will likely die. Even if I don’t, I’ll have to spend six months in the hospital, and it would be a terrible risk for me and my baby. Due to my medical condition and lack of physical stamina, I am also not a candidate for adoption or fostering, and I am already married (happily), so stepchildren are not an option. It’s disappointing, but I’ve just had to accept it, which I know is easier said than done. Nothing I do is going to change the situation, so unless I accept it, I will be setting myself up for a difficult road.

    8. Hecate*

      I think it might help you to ask yourself a series of questions.

      Why do you want children? Is there another way to achieve that objective without children?

      You mention your mental health issues preclude you from ever getting involved with children in any way. Do you resent that boundary, and that’s why you are pushing against it? Or do you want kids for other substantial reasons? Do you think the assessment that you shouldn’t be involved with kids is wrong, or do you agree with it?

      Is this more about you, and how not having kids reflects on you, or is it more about the well-being of the kids?

      This may be cold comfort, but maybe it gives you something. My parents are both mentally ill, and by most people’s standards they should not have had kids. They did anyways – two, me and my brother. I would not wish my childhood on anyone, and I wish my parents had not had any kids, even though that means I would never have been born. I hope my brother never has kids, because he has some very serious issues of his own. I will never have kids, out of choice rather than biology and law; I fear passing on the monstrous legacy I was born from, either through genetics or through defective parenting. I’ve felt conflicting things about giving up on kids, but in the end, I need only look at my family for minutes to be reminded that I’m ending a legacy that deserves to end here, with me.

  62. ann perkins*

    I got engaged last weekend and have already had a breakdown. The guy my fiance (MF) asked to be his best man said no because he didn’t think he had the time to commit. Okay first of all, WTF are you doing that you can’t be a best man? It’s not a commitment that requires hours per day or even week of activity, etc. I don’t care about even numbers of bridesmaids/groomsman on either side. I was upset b/c MF worships this guy and his feelings were clearly hurt. He’s also not that close with many people like I am, which makes it hurt a little more, I think. I’ve never heard of someone saying no before. I don’t even want this dude at our wedding now, but that is not a hill I am going to die on.

    1. Red Reader*

      Mm, not a great start. People aren’t obligated to participate in your wedding festivities. If he doesn’t feel he can do what you need him to do, it’s GOOD that he said no now rather than bailing or otherwise letting you down later. And the fact that he felt comfortable saying no suggests a strong friendship, IMO – I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard from people going “I’m in this wedding for this person I don’t even like but I didn’t know how to tell them no!”

      So be bummed, sure, but this dude didn’t do anything wrong.

    2. Michele*

      I would respectfully point out your wedding is not the center of everyone’s universe, people have their own lives and other commitments that they are allowed to prioritise, and the guy shouldn’t be slagged for being honest. Your attitude is not healthy, it’s good that your wedding is important to you but if you don’t be careful you will alienate the people around you. The guy did nothing wrong or anything to warrant any anger on your end.

      1. Natalie*

        Indeed. My own mother was late enough to my wedding that she missed the actual ceremony. *shrug* she’s the one that missed out, frankly.

    3. Natalie*

      Sometimes people say they can’t commit to the time when the real issue is something else. Could be money (being an MOH cost me about a grand between the bachelorette party, shower, and clothes), not wanting the responsibility/pressure, or even just not feeling that close to your fiancé. People decline this kind of thing all the time, for whatever reason. It’s an invitation, not a summons.

    4. Marie B.*

      I’m sorry but no one is obligated to participate in your wedding. He isn’t the one who is wrong.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I have to admit that I’ve said no to being a bridesmaid because a) I really didn’t have the time to commit to dress shopping, showers, etc. b) I lived in another country and financial it would have been crippling for me to agree and c) I was deep in my depression at the time and I really wasn’t focusing on anything else except me and my recovery.

      People sometimes say no. They have a number of reasons. The best you can do is to try not to let it spoil your engagement and your wedding. As for your fiance who’s feeling hurt, I think he needs to come to terms with the refusal on his own.

    6. Rusty*

      I would cut him slack, tbh. Being involved in a wedding party is often more expensive/time-consuming than is acknowledged. I was asked to be a Maid Of Honour but asked to be a bridesmaid instead, because I have a job with weird hours & lost of last-minute travel & assignments, & I knew I was going to end up disappointing the Bride by not being able to attend a lot of things. I did organise a Bacherlorette party, & even though everyone chipped in I was left with a pretty big bill, & extra expenses – even dinners & travel – made it an expensive time for me.

      Also, often the fear of public speaking is REAL, & making a Best Man speech is so pressurised.

      So I wouldn’t see it as him not caring about your fiance or being a bad friend, but being realistic about what he can give & telling your fiance upfront so he doesn’t disappoint him or cause unnecessary strain or conflict.

    8. Forking Great Username*

      I think some people are being kind of hard on you here. While they have a point that not wanting this guy at your wedding is an overreaction, I do get that you’re hurt on behalf of your fiancé. My husband is kind of a loner too, and sometimes he does feel awkward about it – thinking about whether or not he’d have any groomsmen was one of those times. It sucks to see your fiancé hurt, and I’m sorry about that. But definitely think about what others have said about finances and such. You can’t know everything about this guy’s priorities and what’s going on in his life – assuming the worst and being angry will only make the situation harder for your fiancé.

      1. ann perkins*

        thank you, I feel bad because I didn’t mean to portray myself as a selfish whack job- his feelings were clearly hurt so that made me upset. I’ve never said no to being in someone’s wedding or heard of that happening before so it was a new thing for me. of course it happens. I just get upset when the people I love are hurting.

        1. IForgetWhatNameIUsedBefore*

          I have been in ONE wedding, mostly because people don’t even ask (yay!) There are *maybe* a couple other people I’d do it for, but if else asked they would get a resounding NO no matter how much I cared for them. It’s just not a thing that I *do*, for Reasons.
          I remember a friend of mine getting huffy because my SIL did not ask me to be in the wedding party, because I guess it’s some kind of tradition? I howled with laughter- I barely knew SIL at the time because I’d lived in another state most of the time her & my brother had been dating. No WAY would I have even accepted (though if my bro had asked me to stand up on his side I might have done it, as long as I didn’t have to buy some kind of stupid dress.) Nope, I was much happier as a regular guest!

      2. Casuan*

        Forking Great Username just saved me some typing.
        Ann, I took your original comment to mean that you were hurt for your fiancé, not that you were being selfish.
        One word stood out to me from your comment. You said that MF “worships” Guy. Is it possible that MF thinks more of the friendship than Guy does? If so, I can understand why he would decline the request (bad analogy: it’s kind of like asking someone you just met to help you move; the relationship just isn’t there).

        paradigm shift: It’s better to know that Guy isn’t interested now than later & you don’t want someone in your wedding party who doesn’t really want to be there to support you & your fiancé.

        Congratulations on your engagement!!

        1. Triplestep*

          And Casuan just saved *me* some typing … I agree with both of you. I saw the OP as expressing hurt on behalf of fiancé, not being self-absorbed about the wedding. I also agree that it’s better to for the guy to have been honest, and as someone else pointed out, it could even point to a comfort level in their friendship that he *knew* he could be honest on this level.

          Congrats on your engagement, and I hope your fiancé finds a Best Man (Person?) who makes him forget he felt rejected by the first friend he asked.

    9. ann perkins*

      I don’t think I worded this original comment correctly – I was not meaning to say I think he is obligated to be in or even AT the wedding, I understand there are more important things going on in people’s lives. I could just see the disappointment it caused and that made me sad/angry. I came here to vent because I don’t want to put him in an awkward position and will support whoever he decides to ask instead, etc.

      2. Ktelzbeth*

        It is so hard to see someone you love hurting. There can be a lot of parts to being best man, as several other people have pointed out, including bachelor party, toasts, being in the wedding and rehearsal, maybe renting/buying clothes, and who knows what else because I’m not very good at these things. Would it help to figure out what part the friend might be able to do and see if he can still be a part of the wedding? Say just stand up during the ceremony or just give a toast or something? I can see how it might be hard to still talk to the guy MF wanted to be best man, but maybe there is a small something that would be manageable.

      3. all aboard the anon train*

        Sure, it’s a disappointment, but I also feel like people have to expect that someone might say no when asked to be in a wedding party the same way people are going to say no if someone has a destination wedding.

        I’ve turned down being in a bridal party because I’ve been in some and they’re a drain on my finances and time. I know the brides in those situations were upset, and I felt bad, but at the end of the day, I have to think about whether I can afford at least $1K (usually way more than that) and months of time commitments for one person’s special event. People often don’t think being in a wedding party is a big time commitment, but it is – and not to mention, it’s also a huge emotional commitment.

      4. Observer*

        Well, it will help if you reframe how you look at it, and how you express it. “WTF are you doing that you can’t be” is just attaching a level of expectation that’s on the verge of Bridezilla territory, if not totally there yet. If you really do get that you’re NOT entitled to his time and energy try not to frame it in those terms.

        “I’ve always done it”/ “I’ve never turned it down.” That’s you and doesn’t mean anything about the most appropriate way for anyone else to handle it.

        The bottom line is that your anger is just not really legitimate. Keeping to you an anonymous internet forum rather than you fiance is a really good first step. But, understand that you really need to let it go, because he really doesn’t have any obligation here that makes your anger a reasonable reaction.

        I get that you are sad for you fiance. That’s a different issue and one I totally sympathize with. That hurts. But lashing out, even in your own mind, at the person at the other end, is damaging in a way that just being sad isn’t.

        1. ann perkins*

          going to be honest here – the last thing I want to be is a Bridezilla, whether in real life or anon on the internet. yes, I was angry, yes I understand others might not feel that is reasonable. when I said I had a breakdown in my original comment, I should have elaborated that it was in private. I really hope this guy still attends the wedding as I know it will mean a lot. I cannot apologize for my feelings, I was angry. that is how I felt, but I didn’t express that anger towards my fiance or his friend. anger is allowed.

          1. Observer*

            You also don’t get to tell people that they owe you their presence, time, money or any other resources. Doing so only in your head IS miles ahead of actually saying this out loud. But even in your own head, harboring the idea that people “owe” this to you is not appropriate. Stop.

            She can feel however she wants to. But adults also need to know when their feelings are unreasonable and / or out of proportion.

            The OP said certain things that are NOT reasonable. Those totally unreasonable things lead her to be very angry. Which is her right. But if she doesn’t realize how unreasonable the basis for her anger is, that’s a problem.

            1. IForgetWhatNameIUsedBefore*

              Yep.

              “I don’t even want this dude at our wedding now, but that is not a hill I am going to die on.”

              Is not a reasonable reaction to what happened, especially since turning down a part in a wedding must be a pretty common occurrence.

              You may want to examine why you (and maybe fiancé) is taking this so personally. It’s not a rejection of either one of you as people, or a rejection of your relationship/marriage. It’s not some kind of betrayel, he hasn’t ended the friendship, or done anything beyond the pale. He merely can’t do it.
              Frankly I’m baffled why anyone would react this way, rather than just thanking them for the heads up & moving on to the second-third-fourth-etc choices on their list.
              I mean, surely you DO have alternate choices in mind in case somebody’s answer was no, or they have to opt out before the ceremony?
              Or did you just expect everyone you asked to say yes without hesitation?

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      The best man isn’t expected to do as much as the maid of honor (which is its own issue) but he still has to plan the bachelor party and make a speech that is often the centerpiece of the entire reception. If this guy feels he can’t plan a good party or craft a speech worthy of your wedding, it’s good that he said no.

      1. IForgetWhatNameIUsedBefore*

        He can say ‘no’ for ANY reason. Nobody is obligated to be in anyone else’s wedding.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      My first choice for MOH said no. Without even listening to the context. I did not want any of the traditional stuff. Just appear on my wedding day in a dress that you will reuse and then come eat with us. She said no before I even finished explaining that I wanted nothing. It was sad.
      I went to my second choice.

      You could suggest that maybe his buddy would stand in at your vow renewal in 10-15 years.
      FWIW, we had a longer discussion here a while ago about how people who were in our weddings fell out of our lives afterward. A large number of people commented how this happened to them. So there is that, too.

    12. Thlayli*

      When I was planning my wedding I was stressing about stuff and my fiancé said to me “it is in the nature of a wedding for things to go wrong”. That is good advice and I took it to heart. About 5 things went wrong on the day and I still had the best day of my life.

      1. Casuan*

        Your fiancé was wise, as were you for taking his comment to heart & having the best day of your life despite the snafus!

    13. Amey*

      If it makes you feel better, the first person my husband asked to be best man turned him down because he didn’t feel comfortable doing it and my sister-in-law decided not to be my bridesmaid because she wanted to be with my husband in the morning on the day. We have lots of friends and get along well with people, I promise, it just happened that way. Try not to take it personally – some people really just don’t feel comfortable with that role for you and that doesn’t mean they’re not a great friend! Best man in the end was a very good mutual friend to both of us (a better choice, to be honest) and he was very honoured but also was very nervous. He didn’t do a great job organising the bachelor party and did a lovely speech but really stressed about it beforehand. We were all quite young so we weren’t seasoned wedding-goers yet, but I think it’s worth remembering that being in a wedding party can feel like a big commitment even when it’s not and it gives people a responsibility for making your day perfect that they might not feel comfortable with.

    14. Oxford Coma*

      I’m sorry MF’s feelings are hurt. I had a bridesmaid back out, claiming my wedding was “too expensive” and it snowballed into a whole host of issues when it became clear that she was just using that as an excuse (in short: I had no shower or bachelorette party, the bridesmaid dresses were “wear whatever you want as long as it’s blue”, I got married in the hometown we all still lived in, and she spent most of my reception hijacking conversations with a $$$$ digital camera to show people photos of her custom-build McMansion in progress).

      Weddings really bring out the best and the worst of us.

  63. Foreign Octopus*

    Last week I posted about my cat, Bones, who was stupid and nearly scratched her eye out resulting in a very expensive surgery.

    I’m happy to say that thanks to GoFundMe I’ve been able to raise just over €400, which helps so much to cover most of the cost of the surgery. I can’t thank everyone enough for their good wishes, for sharing the page on their social media and, in some cases, donating (you know who you are!). It’s been really stressful and when I saw the money coming in, I actually started crying in relief at knowing that I’d be able to pay the bill.

    As for Bones, she’s doing well this week. Absolutely hating the injections she gets daily and I’m hoping that this week was the last for the daily injections but I’ll find out more on Monday. She has, however, opened her third eyelid, which had been stitched shut to let the eye heal. I really wished it had stayed closed because omg it’s disgusting. Think of the weird little alien from Star Trek (the reboots) who is friend’s with Scotty, Keenser, and his strange pupils. That’s kind of what she looks like in one eye and it’s really difficult to give her the eye drops because my stomach turns every time I look at it.

    However, I’m now the eye drop pro! I didn’t think that would happen but I’ve taken to wrapping her up like a burrito (I called her a purrito once and my friend told me off because I wouldn’t stop laughing). She always tries to escape as soon as I’m done but, damnit, I’m getting the eye drops in so Foreign Octopus 1, Bones 0.

    Thanks for everyone’s support. I love knowing that this community is here in times of need.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Hi TCA!

        I got your message but can’t for the life of me figure out how to reply via the other site. Thanks so much for your support and for the promise that it gets easier with practice! I feel awful at the moment because she knows when I’m coming for her and she gets so scared, it breaks my heart. I can’t wait until it’s all over.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I’d say spend more time giving her treats and play time now, so she doesn’t start associating your interest in her with the drops, and give treats before and after. It’s my experience that cats can forgive a lot if they get their favorite snack. :) I used to give our big scaredy-cat treats before and after clipping his claws, and then later giving him his medications, and that helped. What was quicker than the burrito for me was to kneel down with my toes on the floor (rather than the tops of my feet), sit on my heels, then spread my knees enough to get the cat in there. He couldn’t back out past my feet and my butt, and I could grab his head by the jaw and force the (needle-less) syringe in the corner of his mouth to give him his liquid medicines. (I had to keep his head up and stroke his throat lightly until he swallowed, but that shouldn’t be an issue with eyedrops.)

          Best of luck!

    4. nep*

      So happy to hear she’s doing well this week. Thanks for the update.
      You’re a great human companion.
      Continued healing.

    6. Bye Academia*

      Thanks for the update! I’m glad she’s improving and that you’ve gotten some help with the bills.

  65. nonamenow*

    I have an invisible disability and anxiety and some trauma in my past. So I’ve found out that everyone in my life – my relatives and friends think it’s “for the best” I’m not able to have children or adopt because someone with my “issues” should not be responsible for children or be a parent. Everyone always acted supportive. No idea why they’d feel this way and it hurts. They don’t even get why it hurts. I’m not sure why I’m posting, Just needed to get that out.

    2. Reba*

      Nonamenow, their attitude stinks. I’d be so hurt and angry–on top of the other things you are dealing with!

      Not sure how you learned about this, of course, but try to bear in mind that it is likely not “everyone” you know (sometimes shit-stirrers will say “and everybody agrees with me” when it isn’t at all true). And it is certainly not everyone you will ever know.

    3. fposte*

      That sounds hurtful. Is it possible that it was fewer people than it sounds like and that either there’s some overbroadness in what somebody told you or people thought they were reflecting your thoughts back to you?

    4. nonamenow*

      Thank you for the responses. It is not just a few people. Apparently it’s a universal view. I’m not just imagining. Everyone believes that. They say they love me but I’m not in a place to take care of children. So they all feel the same way.

    5. Parenthetically*

      What the hell? That’s an awful way to think of someone. Sorry you’re dealing with that right now.

      How do you know it’s “everyone”? Not encouraging you to shoot the messenger, but is the character of the person who told you this… trustworthy with this sort of thing?

    6. ArtK*

      I’m really sorry that they are causing this hurt. As they say, the road to the nether region is paved with good intentions — it’s likely that their intentions are good, but they have no concept about how hurtful this is.

    7. Ktelzbeth*

      That sounds so hard. I’m sorry and offer hugs or your preferred gesture of support. If all your friends really do share this opinion and it’s not something that’s been stirred up by a few, I would go so far as to say that you should think about whether they are really friends, though ending friendships and starting new is another huge, hard thing.

    8. Thursday Next*

      I can’t imagine what would move anyone to share such hurtful thoughts with someone they cared about. What the actual bleeping what.

      Are they still trying to talk to you about this, or are you still trying to talk to them about it? If so, could you tell them their response is really hurtful? Or is this not feasible? I think people sometimes try to comfort through rationalization—like, “hey, here’s all the reasons why that crappy thing is for the best.” I know there are times when I’m so grateful for the friend who says, “that sucks. I’m so sorry,”and hands me some Kleenex.

      I’m so sorry, nonamenow. This sounds heartbreaking all around. I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I’m sending compassionate thoughts your way.

    9. Casuan*

      Nonamenow, how awful & hurtful. I’m so very sorry!!
      The decision to have children is one of the most personal decisions there is & to be told that you shouldn’t… I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.

      What I can imagine is having an invisible illness & being told I can’t or shouldn’t do something that I really I want. I agree with the comments that ask if some might be exaggerating as to “everyone” or refelecting &or projecting although you replied this is not the case.

      here is another possibility:
      When my illness exacerbates, sometimes those who love me might step in to tell me what to do because they know that I’m not thinking clearly. Even though I get upset & might argue back, I know that they’re looking out for my best interests.
      Could this in any way be what your family & friends are doing?

      Nonamenow, even if this scenario could be true, I know it won’t make you feel any less hurt & I sincerely hope I didn’t cause you more pain. Perhaps when the pain subsides a little, if you’re up for it you can ask them to be more detailed as to their concerns. They might have valid concerns for you to think through, although you are the one who gets to decide this, not them. If every adult waited until they were at-a-certain-place before having children then our population would be a bit smaller. I think it’s awesome that you’re open to adoption; there are many children who need a loving home!

      Please know you’re in my thoughts & I hope you feel better soon. Do something good for yourself, even if it’s just a little thing!!

    10. Overeducated*

      That is really hurtful, I’m sorry. I wonder if it’s a misguided attempt to find a silver lining – sometimes people do that in such a knee jerk way that it doesn’t even occur to them that the kindest and truest thing may be to accept that something is just plain hard and doesn’t have a silver lining. And then they say really thoughtless things. Like that.

    11. Sylvan*

      Rude. Perhaps they haven’t considered that people with chronic illnesses, disabilities, or traumas can have the same wants in life as everyone else. How did you find out about this? If you heard it from one person, is it possible that their claims about other people agreeing with them aren’t that trustworthy?

    12. Agnodike*

      I was raised by a parent with significant mental health issues. Sometimes it was really hard. Guess what? That’s life. I love my parent, I’m happy with my childhood, I grew up to live a life I love. Anyone who says people with disabilities or mental health challenges shouldn’t parent can go jump in a cold lake in their skivvies. It’s unhelpful, rude, and frankly borders on eugenicist ideology. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m sorry you can’t be a parent, and I’m sorry the people in your life aren’t the support network you deserve.

      2. IForgetWhatNameIUsedBefore*

        I’ve seen too many kids & adults who have been mentally & emotionally damaged by childhood abuse for me to agree with you- at all. There are MANY people who can’t parent, or should never have kids, and for some of those people, the reason why is a mental or physical disability that renders them unfit for it. It’s not eugenics or ableism to point out that this is true.
        I have had lifelong chronic illness and some serious, invisible, neurodevelpmental disabilities. I have steadfastly refused to even CONSIDER having children or being a parent because I neither want to pass those things on for another human being to suffer with/through, nor do I want to be an awful, horrible, possibly abusive parent *because* of some of those same disabilities. If someone said I should never be a parent, I’d agree! But it seems like in our culture it’s worse to discuss the fact that there are actually plenty of people who should never have kids, than to actually be one of those fucked up parents who neglects or abused their kids or saddles them with a genetic defect/serious illness/disability that they will cause them pain & suffering.
        This is one case where ‘but think of the children!!1! actually applies. People have kids because they *want* them, without giving any thought to what those kids actual lives might be like once they are born.

  66. Reba*

    What are y’all cooking this weekend?

    Tonight we’re having roasted squash and attempting handmade pasta for the first time! Arugula salad on the side. In a few hours we shall see if this pasta gambit was wise…

    Earlier this week I made a slab pie for a thing for a colleague, one of the first times I’ve adapted a baking recipe with big changes. I had made a pie over the holidays that involved poaching pears in wine and assembling the thing basically like a tart. I have been working on adapting the recipe into something less labor-intensive because I couldn’t see myself doing that again often, but I was so captivated by the flavors: pear and wine, rosemary, cinnamon and vanilla, with a slightly cheesey cream topping. It worked beautifully! So I’m still enjoying the leftovers from that. :)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I just made a double batch of seasoned jasmine rice in the Instant Pot. I also pressure cooked two dozen eggs so I could have hard cooked eggs for the week. Not much else…yet!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Homemade Rice seasoning. Powdered Chicken bouillon, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, thyme, parsley, and basil. All dried herbs. It’s supposed to be similar to the rice a Roni seasoning. It’s pretty good.

    2. Parenthetically*

      That pie sounds fantastic!

      I had some leftover lamb from Valentine’s day, so that’s getting shredded and put in a ragout with pasta, possible with some brussels sprouts on the side. Also made fruit bread (my bread-addict husband’s favorite thing, rich with apricots and numerous kinds of raisins/sultanas). Tomorrow I’m making a casserole for a friend who just brought her twins home from the hospital, and apart from that I have no idea. Maybe pork chops — we do a meat CSA so every month we get beautiful local forest-raised pork and pastured lamb and chicken to play around with.

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      Thinking about whipping up some chili tonight. You may not call it chili and it certainly isn’t traditional, as it will have beans, pink banana squash (a winter squash), and maybe fake meat, but I do. Tomorrow probably winter squash and poblano pepper soup with queso fresco chunks. In the recipe it was jalepeno peppers or some such, but poblanos are all I can handle. You may have guessed I have squash to use.

      2. Reba*

        I had never heard of banana squash. Just looked it up. If yours are as big as all the ones on google images, no wonder you have a lot to use!

      3. Ktelzbeth*

        The chili now has millet in it because it turned out way too spicy. Forgot to calculate how spicy the TJ’s soy chorizo is. I’m out now until the next time I go to Mpls/St. Paul or Omaha. :(

        My pink banana squash is probably not quite as huge as some of the pictures because the one I’m currently using is on the middle-sized side. There’s still a big one in the basement. Especially since I live alone, it’s a project to get a whole one used and/or put up all at once, but I like the flavor, so I do get a couple a year.

    6. Casuan*

      Wo. I thought I was doing good by cooking frozen Trader Joe’s Mac & Cheese. Earlier I did make two perfect medium-boiled eggs. Cooking isn’t my thing, although I totally enjoy reading what everyone is cooking & I enjoy some cooking competition shows.
      Enjoy your fabulous meals, they all sound yummy!!
      :-D

    7. Overeducated*

      Tonight was gnocchi (packaged) with bacon, mushrooms, onions, and cabbage. Sort of wish I’d left out the bacon, though.

      Tomorrow I’m going out to an expensive Russian restaurant, hope it’s worth it! Monday I think I’m making khinkali (large Georgian soup dumplings) with kidney beans with mixed herbs and stewed green beans with tomatoes and onions. We also bought stuff for an instant pot Moroccan chickpea and kale stew and apple muffins with candied ginger…but I’m going to run out of steam and time this weekend before I manage to cook it all!

    8. Red Reader*

      My housemate’s mom just had surgery and is on no weight bearing restrictions, so I’m making her folks big pans of lasagne and macncheese. Both freeze well so if they get tired of them, they can freeze the rest for a couple weeks.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I saw a thing where you could make sweet potato gnocchi and I might try that. I bought some sweet potatoes, which I discovered are GREAT in ramen (spinach too). I think I’ll pre-cook a couple and put them in the fridge so I can just take them out and cut them up instead of having to handle a hot potato straight from the microwave.

      No, I do not fire up my huge 1950s Philco stove’s oven just to cook a potato! Also it’s funny that I used to despise sweet potatoes as a kid, but now I love them.

      1. Reba*

        SAME re: sweet potatoes. Hated them as a kid, and in fact they are quite divisive in my family of origin. I love them now and they are good for you!

        Good idea to make ahead. I know they freeze well when roasted in cubes, too.

    10. HannahS*

      Lunch (my main daily meal) this coming week is going to be breaded chicken cutlets, mashed potatoes mixed with corn, and green beans. I had a hard time adjusting to cooking for one, but now I feel like I’ve hit my stride! I enjoy only needing to really cook on the weekends. Generally, the most other cooking I do during the week is making popcorn and scrambling eggs.

    11. DrWombat*

      I made “inside-out omelettes” which is basically scrambled eggs topped with sausage, bacon, and sauteed mushrooms. Sauteed the mushrooms in the grease from the meat, and sauteed the eggs in the grease as well. Nice as a treat ^^ I love the way canned mushrooms get when sauteed a bit – probably a weird thing to like, but they’re great!

    12. So anonymous I wasn't even here*

      Just made mini cottage pies for the freezer. Trying to eat more veggies so I added in lots of grated carrot. On a side note is it just me that pebbledashes the kitchen when grating carrots. Finding the stuff at far end of kitchen!

    13. Amey*

      I think we’ll probably do sweet potato, cauliflower and chickpea curry tonight. I have lots of lovely ingredients in the house and very little money in our bank account (last few weeks of my long UK maternity leave!) so want to make sure that what I’ve got goes as far as possible and don’t want to waste anything.

  67. Regular Poster Going Anon*

    Thanks to everyone who weighed in on my dog aggressive dog issue in a previous weekend thread. Was it last week? Not sure. I know many thought the muzzle was truly unnecessary but I decided to try it out and be firm with myself that if doggo wasn’t liking it despite careful training, it would go.

    I’m happy that it’s been going very well. I introduced it for short periods of time with lots of positive reinforcement- treats and praise. I only put it on for short walks and supplement those walks with sitting outside with him tied next to me in the sunshine with no muzzle since we are *right* outside my door (he loves sunshine time so much and loves to just sit right next to me and enjoy. Its adorable how much this dog loves sunshine time). This helps because he was previously going on longer walks but now they’ve been shorter to help acclimate to the muzzle carefully. But again, I make sure he doesn’t get less outside time or attention.

    He seems fine when we walk, ears aren’t back, isn’t shaking his head. The first few days he flopped down like a drama queen but I was patient and soon he just seemed to give a doggie shrug and now goes about his walk like normal. It seems to gradually be coming akin to his harness- a thing we put on to go on walks. No other acting out in the house or signs of distress.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      This is awesome and I am glad you’re taking the time to manage his reactiveness. So many people would just dump him at a shelter. Thank you, sincerely, for being a responsible owner.

  68. Little Paws*

    Happy Saturday, All! We made it!

    I just wanted to give a quick update! Quick recap: I posted in last week’s thread about how I just ended the emotionally abusive relationship I’m in. And, due to pending layoffs at work, I’m also in job search mode. I’m in the Boston area and looking to relocate to VT or NH, etc.

    Well, I’m in VT this weekend! I arrived here in Burlington late morning. I’m taking a few days to explore the area and get a feel for the surrounding areas and where I might like to live. I made it up here in 3.5 hours from where I live in MA, so the drive wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be!

    The university of VT medical center has many job openings, and quite a few of them I feel I would be a good fit for. Also, Keurig/Green Mt Coffee HQ is up here, so they are a large employer in this area too. So far, it’s been a great weekend! My ex has been calling/texting/emailing nonstop, but I just ignore it. It feels great to be up here on my own, hopefully paving the way for the next chapter in my life! Thank you to all who offered their thoughts on my post last weekend :)

    1. Loopy*

      I am so so so filled with joy for you. I’m from MA but haven’t lived in the area for about 7 years and I still miss the beautiful areas in VT. What a great place if you like hiking. I hope the move works out!!!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Burlington. That is awesome. Go for walks and just talk with people. Check out Gardener’s Supply. Front Porch Forum is based out of Burlington and if you live there you could join a forum for your neighborhood.
      I have always thought of Burlington as an upbeat, positive place.
      I hope you enjoy your weekend.

    5. DrWombat*

      Congratulations! I am glad you are in a place and making a fresh start ^^ Keep on ignoring it and block him as much as you can – hopefully he gets the message! I am cheering you on – congrats on making the break, and best of luck with job hunting!

    6. Triplestep*

      Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream is just outside Burlington! They have a fun tour of their factory if you have time on your way back to the Boston area.

      I have known several people to relocate to Burlington, either for short stints or permanently, and I’ve visited a few times. I’ve always thought of it progressive and welcoming place. Enjoy the weekend and all your plan-making!

  69. Loopy*

    Maybe no one else will find this story funny but I’m hoping some will. I laughed quite a bit but maybe it will always be more funny to me.

    I’ve never personally cared much for Valentines day but I have an oddly obsessive enjoyment of getting cards. So I always want a card because yay, a card! The future Mr. Loopy has been well-trained in card buying.

    This year, however, future Mr. Loopy totally forgot the Valentines day card. I ended up not seeing him on Valentines day because he had to work late (it’s fine, truly). On February 15th, I found a homemade card with stick figure future Mr. Loopy and my dog drawn on the front. Next to the card were two coconut overnight oats (he loathes coconut, I adore it). The inside read:

    “Dear Loopy,

    The Valentines day, Dog and I decided to do a handmade card. There were multiple reasons for this:

    1) We care about you very much
    2) Apparently stores don’t have/run out of Valentines Day cards by about 10:30 PM on Feb 14
    3) Re-read #1
    4) I brought you cookies from work (not really a reason)

    So, in asking forgiveness in our (but mostly Dog’s) failings, we offer coconut overnight oats AND a coupon for a future purchase of more overnight oats.

    Love,

    Future Mr. Loopy and Dog (even though its really all his fault)”

    Of course, I think I was more pleased with this card than any other card he’s ever bought me and texted him to tell him so. It went right in the memory box with the others.

    In other news, it’s crazy they are selling “overnight oats”- THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE AND REGULAR OATS.

    But Golly I do love me some coconut.

      2. Loopy*

        I thought so too. I was really amused by the card. I wasn’t going to be mad that he forgot since it isn’t one of my important holidays, but I *was* still overjoyed he still went out of his way to make the card. And purchase the dreaded coconut.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m not a really mushy person and he’s definitely not a romantic type. Our cute moments are rare but oh man, I am being such a mush about this, haha.

        Ironic he’s getting more of a reaction after forgetting than if he remembered, haha! A rare time that’s going to work out for a guy.

  70. Trisana chandler*

    How does you act generously and non-awkwardly?

    I earn lots of money and lots of my friends earn less than me. When we go out together sometimes I like to pay for both our meals, or pay for both our tickets to an event. They will usually let me if it’s occasional (not every time) but I always feel like I’m being really awkward when making the offer. Sometimes I just pay before they get the chance, often I’ll phrase it as “you can get the next dinner” anticipating that will be a less expensive meal.

    Similar issue, when tipping (in Australia, where it is much less expected) I often would pay for the meal on a card at the counter then put cash in the tip jar. Especially if this is a fairly generous (for Australia) tip, this prompts a “thank you sooo much” from the waitperson.

    In both scenarios I feel super awkward. I don’t want praise or to be thanked, I would rather “the thing” is not acknowledged at all so I’m afraid my body language screams “uncomfortable” and I might actually come across as rude or entitled.

    Does anyone else have this issue? What do you do differently? Or is there something you tell yourself that tones down the awkward?

      1. Trisana chandler*

        I’m not sure he’s the best guide for relationships. Probably should ask Lark!

        And by the by, did you see the new Tortall book about Numair? So excited!

        1. TootsNYC*

          I’ve read that–it’s not a great as the others, I’m sad to say. But it was fun.

          As for the advice–Sandry will know. In fact, if you reread, she might have advice from Tamora’s pages!

    2. Simone R*

      I think there’s multiple ways you could go about this, depending on the relationships you have with your friends, what sort of events you’re going to, and what you want to do.

      “Hey, I’ve bought 2 tickets to X show, would you like one of them?”
      “I know you like X and tickets are on sale! They’re a little pricey but it would mean a lot to go with you so I’d be happy to cover the cost of the ticket for you if you want.”
      “I just saw that X restaurant opened and I’d love to try it out with you! Want to go? It’s my treat!”

      Also, get more comfortable at being thanked! People are appreciative and want to show it. You can smile and say “I’m happy to!” “Thanks for coming-this event was better with you!” “You’re welcome”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        While you are working on being more comfortable with being thanked, why not thank them right back?

        “Well, thank YOU, it was great to have a good friend to share this event with. I would not have gone alone.”
        OR
        “Thank YOU for joining me, you are really fun to hang out with.”

        You see the idea. Take the awkwardness about being thanked and turn it around to thanking them for something. Keep the statements true, of course.

        1. Trisana chandler*

          Great ideas Simone R and NSNR, I think being conscious of how it might seem from the other side (thsnks FO) but also reflecting what I’m actually feeling underneath the awkward – “I loved this meal/time together/whatever” is the way to go

          1. Natalie*

            For something like a show, you can also give them an opportunity to reciprocate the gesture for less money, like buying the drinks or driving/paying for the cab. It all depends on the individual you’re treating, but some people feel better that way.

      2. the gold digger*

        It’s pretty easy for me because I am married and I use, “Primo and I got tickets to this show but he can’t go. Would you like to go with me as my guest? I’d hate for the ticket to go to waste.”

        If the friend offers to pay, I refuse and re-iterate that the money has been spent and I just want to enjoy the show with a friend.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Speaking as the friend who earns less money, I’d be really embarrassed if you got in before to pay for the meal. I know that your intentions are good and we need more people like you! However, whenever a friend does that, I always end up feeling like a child. It’s absolutely not intentional and if the situation was reversed, I would definitely try to do the same as you.

      The problem is that I can’t reciprocate the gesture. If I’m going out for dinner, then I’ve budgeted and I can afford it. Definitely offer, that’s fine, but don’t pay without telling them as it really does change the mood of the night for me.

      If you want to help, look for restaurants that are still nice but more affordable. After all, it’s really the company you’re after, not the food.

      You’re still a good friend though, particularly because you’re thinking about this.

      2. TootsNYC*

        Also–I know that I could easily start to assume, “Oh, she’ll pay.” Or even “maybe she’ll pay this time!” So I would prefer that you not, because it doesn’t start to condition me to become covetous.

        I don’t want to say never, but truth be told, I’d be happier if it was never.

  71. SparklingStars*

    Last week I posted about my boyfriend of 6 months trying to invite himself along when I told him that I was planning to take a trip abroad this fall (I’ve been saving up for over 2 years, long before I met him, and this was a trip that I had envisioned taking by myself. Plus we’ve never traveled together, or even spent the night together yet).

    We sat down and talked about it and I told him why I really wanted to go by myself. He didn’t say much at the time. Today we talked some more and he told me that I hurt his feelings when I didn’t invite him along. Then he said that he talked to his therapist and a couple of friends and they basically told him not to take it personally. So now he’s OK with me going (gee thanks, buddy) but I can tell that he’s still not thrilled with the situation. And we’re planning to do a couple of short trips together this summer, so maybe that will help.

    From my perspective , I don’t feel like I need to include him in every aspect of my life, especially things that I’ve been planning to do before I even met him. But he seems to feel like I’m pushing him away. Our relationship is pretty good besides this one issue, but now I’m just kind of worried about things. Ugh, relationships are not easy.

    1. Ruffingit*

      You’ve been together 6 months, you’ve never spent the night together or traveled together and he wants to accompany you on an overseas trip? That seems odd to me and I’m glad his friends and therapist told him to basically get a grip. You’ve been planning this for two years, it’s your time to go and enjoy yourself!

    2. Reba*

      I think early on in a relationship, when you don’t have all that much information about the other person, gestures or small things can feel much bigger or more significant than they really merit. As you gain more history together you can see things more in their proper proportions, in the context of all the other experience you have. This goes both ways–both the way your bf is reacting to your plans, and your gauging of his response.

      It could be that by the time this trip arrives, all will be well. Or this could be a sign that your bf really thinks everything is about him. Are there other signs of this nature?

      FWIW my spouse is going to Iceland without me in a couple weeks. We’ve done a lot of trips together but I’m thrilled for him and only mildly jealous ;)

      Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your plans.

    3. London Calling*

      *So now he’s OK with me going (gee thanks, buddy) but I can tell that he’s still not thrilled with the situation*

      I read this and alarm bells started going off and red flags waving. Six months and he’s trying to muscle himself into a trip you’ve been planning since before you met and when he’s told he can’t, gives you *permission* to go? and that you *hurt his feelings*? I hope his therapist and his buddies told him that he’s the one responsible for his feelings, not you, but I wonder if there have been any other signs he wants to control what you do, where you go and who you see?

      Sorry, I’d be having second thoughts about the whole thing (the relationship, not the trip) – not least about the fact that after only six months you felt you had to justify to him why you are going without him. At best he’s needy and suffocating – at worst he’s controlling.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      Thanks for updating on this. I was wondering whether you’d had the conversation.

      Sympathies on the difficult relationship (or at least the difficulties in the relationship). It can’t have been easy to have the conversation and kudos for doing it. Kudos for him to talking to his therapist as well instead of just reacting.

      Easier said than done, I know, but try not to let this ruin your excitement for your trip.

    5. TootsNYC*

      I’m glad for you, that you held firm.

      I gave in once, because my boyfriend said, “But I’m your boyfriend; don’t you WANT me to come along?” The answer was no, but I couldn’t figure out how to say that. (It was more like a year, so I could see why he thought it was fine.)

      And then it exploded by my boyfriend’s PARENTS AND BROTHER deciding they were going to come along too. When I objected, my boyfriend said, “But we may not have another chance at a family vacation.”

      It ruined the vacation, frankly, and I was pissed at them for a long time. At all of them–him, the parent, and the brother.

      Fortunately, in the aftermath, my point was clear, and my husband and I are pretty solidly in agreement about vacations now.

    6. SparklingStars*

      Thanks for all the feedback. I really am having some alarm bells going off at this point – but I’m not sure yet what to do. We’re both fairly inexperienced at being in relationships (he’s only been in one relationship before ; I’ve been in two) so I feel like that’s part of the problem. Also, he’s going through a really tough time right now – his one grandmother just passed away a few weeks ago, and he and his dad are taking care of his other grandmother, who has advanced Alzheimer’s and doesn’t have much time left. He’s also not happy at his job, and there’s some pretty serious drama going on there that is really affecting him.

      I’m planning to just wait and see how things go with us. I’m enjoying being part of a couple after being single for so long, but I’m not willing to put up with someone throwing a fit every time I want to do something by myself.

      On the plus side, I’m stoked to be going on my trip (finally!) and as soon as I double check with my manager at work that I can have the time off, I’ll be booking my trip!

      1. London Calling*

        Ah right. Perhaps he’s modelling his parents’ relationship and thinks being joined at the hip from the get-go is how it works – plus he is going through some major upheavals that make him want to cling on.

        Best advice I can offer is keep your eyes open and be aware. How is he with your friends? has he met them and does he like them and what happens when you say you are having friend-time?

        Should those bells get louder or you just want to check you aren’t hearing and feeling things this is a brilliant web-site.

        https://www.mumsnet.com/

        Don’t be put off by the fact it advertises itself for parents. There is solid advice there about relationships.

  72. Fabulous*

    Welp, I had one week of pregnancy happiness. Today has been awful; I think I miscarried. I woke up bleeding and went to the ER. They didn’t see anything on the ultrasound, like whatever was there was gone. They’re running a blood test today and again on Monday to know for sure but I’m not holding my breath. I’m still bleeding and very heartbroken.

    1. Anona*

      I’m so sorry. My miscarriage was so emotionally painful. I wish you support and healing. You are not alone.

    2. Ruffingit*

      I am so sorry. There are no words at a time like this. Just know that I’m thinking of you through your grief.

    9. Half-Caf Latte*

      So sorry. I hope you have people you can talk to.

      This is so common, and so devastating, and so hidden.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, you are right. I know very few women who have not miscarried. I can probably count them on one hand. I have no idea why this isn’t dealt with more.

    15. Colleen*

      I stopped taking pregnancy tests until 6-7 weeks after my last period. I had *so many* early miscarriages (between the positive test and like, week 7) that I preferred to be oblivious to the whole thing. Once I was 3 weeks late for my period, I tested. Of course, I *suspected* pregnancy after a missed period, but hey, if I started bleeding in a week or two, maybe things were just late that month.

      It is all kind games, of course, but it worked for me. And FWIW with my current pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks and assuming all goes well it will be my 3rd kid), I had a few missed periods followed by heavy heavy bleeding…then one where at 2 weeks after my period was due I was dead tired and nauseous. Positive test, sticky baby.

    1. Red*

      Best: Got a nose piercing and I LOVE it! It’s so nice and sparkly.

      Worst: Think I’m at the beginning of a manic episode and I can’t move my psychiatrist appointment up any so this is going to be an interesting time… Let’s just hope I don’t f anything up too badly lol

      1. ..Kat..*

        I am worried about you. Can you ask your psychiatrist for a recommendation of someone who can see you now? Is there a hot-line you can call? A group session you can attend? An emergency therapist you can see? A medication adjustment your psychiatrist can prescribe?

        1. Red*

          I emailed my paychiatrist and she should see/answer it on Monday, and then we’ll go from there. Thank you for the concern though :) It’s very nice of you

    2. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: We had a great writing meetup today. It was fun to look at the other folks’ work. The group has apparently shrunk to three; I’m sad that the new writer decided not to come back. Too intimidated, I guess, even though we did our best to reassure her. The group organizer is also doing a beta reading for me. Yay! We’re doing it in chunks so she doesn’t get overwhelmed (she’s a freelance writer) and so she can start while I finish this revision.

      WORST: Still no you-know-what, and I’m feeling massive amounts of guilt for being a drain on family. I’m not *holding out* for anything, but I’m past shit you-know-whats and I think that’s why nobody is calling me. They know I’m either gonna leave or they think I’ll want too much moolah.

    3. Sylvan*

      Best: Very good week at work. Just great all around. I have an unexpected new client, too, so I’ll have more income this month than I expected. Outside of work, I was able to be helpful with some family stuff.

      Worst: “Family stuff.” My dad had a grand mal seizure while home alone and he hurt his arm. My mom came home to find him and his postictal weirdness, then called me and called an ambulance. We were in the hospital for most of the day. He is home now and he seems to be doing all right.

    4. DrWombat*

      Best: Found a subletter who wants to move in the day I leave! So that’s all sorted, now it’s just packing and packing and packing. I can’t believe I move in a month! It all seems so overwhelming

      Worst: Taxes this year were about triple what I expected, as I was mostly on fellowship funding this year, so taxes weren’t taken out. I did not have enough $ set aside, so I’m borrowing from my parents and will add that to the amount I need to pay them back after I move, I guess (they’re also loaning me $ to cover the cross-country move)

    5. Trixie*

      Best: Taking care of project list including CPR recertification, training homework, etc. Looking forward to next Friday for brief family visit for 1-2 nights.
      Worst: Water heater is taking the weekend off, first time in YEARS. No hot water but thankfully it’s not freezing here. I can make do at the gym but hoping someone can take a look tomorrow.
      Middle ground: Napped way too long this afternoon and now I’m wide awake, cleaning and streaming. Times like these make me LOVE living alone :)

    6. Casuan*

      Best: Solved a few conundrums & being productive.
      Worst: My week will need to start with an emergency dental visit.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Best: home after a work trip. Snuggled on the couch.pile of good reading. No huge looming deadlines. Avocado toast for breakfast.

        Worst: looks like I am sick again. Swollen glands. Hacking cough. Wheezy, asthma. Took some musenex, hoping it is just a cold. On the road again in two weeks.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: my annual review went well. Also, I’m back in touch with my aunt (well, my uncle’s ex-wife) and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve had any positive contact with anyone I consider part of my birth family. Just emails, and she lives in another country, but it feels positive in a way I’ve not experienced maybe ever.

      Oh and NINE MONTHS SMOKE FREE!

      Worst: on period and feel suuuper grotty.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Congrats on the 9 months!!! My mom quit last May as well and I told her the other day that I am so proud of her.

    8. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Got some new clothes for work and it just feels good to dress up a bit.

      WORST: Had a training yesterday for a side job and while I love the side job itself, the driving and sitting through the training were a hassle.

  74. DrWombat*

    I found a subletter! And then got hit by a higher than expected tax bill because I was on fellowship most of the year and hadn’t set aside enough to account for the fact that most of my income hadn’t had taxes paid on it already ><. Packing goes slowly, but it's going. I just am trying to find room in the living room for all the boxes – I may need to sell my futon earlier than anticipated just to have room, even though I really don't want to. But I have the official pay letter and everything, and have applied for an apartment! It's now less than a month till my exit seminar, and I am so stoked ^^

  75. Gitty*

    Tips for getting cooking oil splatters out of clothing, please?? My usual soak with oxyclean + detergent and then a regular cycle is not doing it, even after a bunch of cycles. I’d hate to throw out one of my favorite sweaters just because I can’t make those oil stains go away. Thanks guys!

    1. Red*

      I’ve used dish soap successfully before. Just fill up a sink with warm water, dunk the garment in, and then rub some Dawn into the grease stain. Then you just let it soak until you need the sink again, squish the water out, and throw it in a hamper until you next wash your laundry. Seems to work well for me.

    3. fposte*

      The usual advice is Dawn, but tbh when I had a major oil situation Dawn didn’t do very much, and I had really good luck with citrus cleaner (I think mine was Zep, from Home Depot). I did it on three different items and had no color loss with any of them, but I’d test it in a corner just in case.

    6. Notthemomma*

      This is hard core, but brake cleaner. Yep, automotive brake cleaner. I use it frequently on hubby’s work shirts. Spray on, soak in whatever you use and wash. I don’t always scrub, but if hard set it may help. Just be sure to use in a well ventilated area and away from all flames.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I really like Goop for grease stains. It’s a degreasing hand cleaner used by mechanics. Most grocery stores carry it or you can get it at Walmart or Target. It’s a sort of gel and comes in a white tub. I spread some on the stain, wait 5-20 minutes depending on the stain, and then wash normally. The other secret to grease stains is to keep the garment out of the dryer until the stain is gone. the heat can set the stain and make it tougher to get out.

      1. Earthwalker*

        This. When we did re-enactment we had to clean black oil splatters off a WWII plane while in historic uniforms. We often stained them with that goo. The rule was to use waterless handcleaner before any other laundering and then wash that out with regular detergent. Same rule as above: if it gets to the dryer with the stain still in it, the stain may be set so firmly that nothing will get it out. But waterless handcleaner is still worth a try even on a set stain. Sometimes it worked even on those.

    9. Melody Pond*

      I don’t think I saw this in any of the other responses – hot water!

      Oil-based stains are the one situation I can recall where you want to use HOT water to get the stain out. Cold water won’t do the trick as well, and using something that is good at cutting grease will definitely help.

    11. TootsNYC*

      and of course, do NOT put the item in the clothes dryer until the stain is out–heat will set it solid.

    12. Oxford Coma*

      More oil. No, seriously.

      If nothing else works (there are some great ideas already below) then add more of the exact same oil, rub it in with your thumbs, and re-launder IMMEDIATELY with a grease-cutting agent like Dawn. Sometimes once the stain starts to set, a refresh of the stain itself helps lift everything out.

  76. Lauren R*

    I’m in the process of looking for a cat to adopt! There’s one cat on Petfinder who sounds really awesome but is FIV+. I’ve never had a cat before and have done some reading about the virus, but does anyone here have any first hand experience they’d be willing to share? Is it something that would be very difficult for a first time cat owner to deal with? It sounds like it increases the cat’s risk for developing an illness but doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be experiencing symptoms daily or that their life will be significantly shorter. Is that correct?

    1. cats*

      I think there is nothing extra to do. The main thing is that FIV+ is contagious between cats so any other cat you bring into your house should also be FIV+. I adopted a stray who was FIV+ and he was fine until the very end when he wasn’t. There were no symptoms to manage or anything like that.

    2. Melody Pond*

      No first hand experience, but if I recall correctly, FIV+ cats should not be allowed outside (where they can fight with other cats and transmit the disease to other cats). Also, I second the poster above me who said that the cat should only live in a household either by themselves or with other cats who are also FIV+.

    3. ScoutFinch*

      I had an FIV+ cat. She lived to be 22. Liked to be carried on her back like a human baby.

      If the cat has good food, is kept inside & has vet care, there is every reason to believe it will have a good & long life.

      Don’t skimp on dental care. Bad teeth can cause major damage to cats.

  77. WWYD? MYOB?*

    Ok, so DH’s mom (my MIL) is visiting this weekend. I’m pregnant, have some physical complications right now, have 2 other kids running around, and just don’t have it in me to host. I told DH this is his problem.

    For context, I like my MIl. DH and I have been married 10 years and we’ve always gotten along fine, but we don’t really have our own relationship. DH is an only child, and while there isn’t a bad relationship, he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his parents- we live on opposite sides of the country, they do their thing and we do ours (vs my family, who lives 3-5 hours away, but I make an effort to see them and they make an effort to see us, so we see eachther fairly regularly). We’ll FaceTime weekly with the kids, but DH doesn’t actually call his parents to chat or anything. Maybe it’s best to say that they “aren’t close” and by extension, I have a not-close relationship with them, too.

    ANYWAY, when my mom visits, I do all the prep work. My mom also is hands-on and will offer to cook/clean/babysit and shoo me and DH our of the house. DH’s mom doesn’t come with expectations to be entertained, per se, but she’s more of a “houseguest.” Like, if my mom was coming and I hadn’t done laundry, I’d put clean sheets on the guest bed and not worry terribly if the pillow cases match. Or, I’d make sure we had coffee and breakfast but not stress in advance about having a full weekend’s worth of meals planned out.

    With all that as background, I’ve been in bed rest for 2 days. Our house is a disaster. DH has done nothing to help get things tidy. Our kids are fed and clean and that’s literally it. I went downstairs for the first time since breakfast and my god. Toys, dishes, clutter, EVERYWHERE. Guest bed isn’t made. Heck, guest bed had toys on it.

    MIL’s flight lands in 15 minutes. We leave 35 minutes from the airport. I had to convince DH it was time to go and to stop fiddling with the computer (he’s backing stuff up so he can somethingsomething with his phone, apparently).

    So MIl will be arriving around 11:30pm to our house, which is a complete disaster (food/dishes in sink and on counter, dinner remnants everywhere, toys, papers, shoes, god knows what else everywhere). She will have no sheets on the bed.

    I am on (self-imposed) bedrest. Bending over makes me dizzy, I cannot walk because baby’s head or shoulder is on a nerve. I go down the stairs via butt-scoot. It’s okay to just not GAF right? Do I at least apologize for the mess when I see her tomorrow? I HIGHLY doubt DH will say “sorry about the mess, wife has been laid up and it’s just been me and the wildlings today” and instead she’ll just wonder why we are living in squalor.

    1. WWYD? MYOB?*

      FWIW I am not a homemaker, but I work way less than DH does and by default do more of the housework (and…lets be honest…I declutter before the cleaners come).

      I don’t feel like a messy house reflects only on me, because DH is also responsible to clean, but DH’s mom was a working mom who kept a tidy house (with only one kid ;)) so I know how she’ll mentally react…though she’s too polite to say anything.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      You are absolutely allowed not to GAF right now. I’d just be like “Deal with it.”

      If MIL wants to visit at a time like this, she can darn well help. Yes, she’s family, but you’re not running a hotel. DH needs to get off his butt too. Kicking locked and loaded if you need it (sans skates, unless you want them LOL).

      1. WWYD? MYOB?*

        To be fair, she doesn’t Have Expectations. And she lives across the country and has had this visit planned for a few months. And I’ve only had this stupid complication for a few days, and I guarantee he didn’t mention it to his mom.

        So this is really all about me/DH and how much care that he doesn’t care that our house is a disaster ;).

        1. Casuan*

          I’m with Elizabeth on this. Especially since MIL doesn’t have expectations!
          Let yourself stay on bed-rest & if you can’t give yourself permission not to GAF, then consider this thread your permission.

        2. TootsNYC*

          she may surprise you and help out. I am often more comfortable visiting people when I can do something, and stacking the toys in the toy basket is calming.

    3. Free Meerkats*

      “Sorry it’s a mess, I’n on bed rest, and you raised a slob.” would probably be the wrong thing to say, no matter how satisfying. ;-)

      Apologize once and leave it at that.

    4. Anono-me*

      Maybe MIL wants a better /closer relationship and is coming to help out (and to remind your husband what Murphy’s Wood Oil Soap is.)

      I know that is probably a pipe dream. But seriously, she is descending on your household at a very tough time and if she is not coming with a helpful attitude; I vote for dropping her at a hotel on the way home from the airport. Your husband can visit her with the kids while you rest in peace and quiet.

      Do what you need to do to be safe and healthy.

      1. WWYD? MYOB?*

        It’s such an odd relationship. She’ll want to help, but she’ll feel rude asking to help, and therefore not help. She’s very much a southern stereotype in this way. Like, by offering to help she’s implying help is needed and therefore I’ve not done a good job.

        When I’m 100%, I just do my thing. If I want her help, I say “MIL, would you watch the kids/made dinner/fold that basket of kid laundry?” And she will do it happily. But I’d also pick her up from the airport on time ;).

        I’ve decided to go with a “well, this is what happens when dad (DH) is in charge!”

        1. Thlayli*

          That’s the best way to put it. I have some sympathy for him coz it is hard looking after the littles and keeping the house in order all on your own, plus presumably he’s been bringing meals and sympathy to you too, but on the other hand it sounds like he needs to prioritise a bit! When the house is a mess and someone’s on their way is not the time to start backing up stuff on the computer!

        2. Aealias*

          How about, “Thank you SO much for coming! You’re a godsend. Since I’ve been on bed rest the last several days, DH has been single-parenting. I’m so relieved he’ll have your help while I’m laid up.”

          Now she knows 1) you’ve been incapacitated and aren’t responsible for the disaster zone, 2) she’s more than welcome to pitch in/strongly encouraged to pitch in, 3) DH is on-deck now, and she and he should work out their roles right now without expectations of you.

          Best defence is a good offence, and this assumes goodwill on her part.

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          Embrace the chance to say “I am so glad you came, we can really use the help” and then toss her your three things you’d most like done right now. I am betting she would be thrilled to feel really useful but fears that if she guesses it might be wrong and irritating, and if she asks she’s making everyone entertain her by thinking up tasks.

          I was struck by your line about your mom shooing you, because when we would visit my in-laws their three kids would confidently decide “We should plant carrots over here, so I’m going to dig up this part of the yard, and then build a trellis over here” and I REALLY wasn’t confident doing that. (My one sil who gave up and dove in with her own projects also was resented for doing it wrong, which goes to my and the other il’s “We’ll quietly occupy ourselves and help with anything when asked” approach.)

    5. neverjaunty*

      She raised him. If she doesn’t know his housekeeping abilities by now that’s her problem.

      Also, when you’re feeling up to it, sounds like DH needs to have a little chat about pulling his head out of his ass and doing his share of the work.

    6. Observer*

      Apologize for the mess and be matter of fact. Don’t say “Husband / your son has been acting like an idiot” even though you may feel like it. And don’t get into “self imposed” or not. Just “I’m not feeling well. I’ve had to spend most of my time in bed, I can’t bend over, I can barely walk and I have to slide down the stairs. Hence the disaster zone. I’m sorry it’s working out this way.”

  78. Red*

    I would probably acknowledge the mess but not bend over backwards apologizing. Yeah, its a mess. You have other priorities and so does your husband. I would go get some sheets on the bed asap, but beyond that? Who cares. If she has a problem with the house, she can either clean or prompt your husband to. “Pardon the mess! Guest room is just down the hall, feel free to make yourself comfortable”

    1. WWYD? MYOB?*

      Agree, but sheets were on the list I gave DH and he didn’t do it. I physically can’t do it right now, and my kids are under 5 and asleep ;). He’s gonna deal with it when he gets home, i suppose!

  79. Introverted introvert*

    What are some tips on getting your first apartment? I’m a single female in my mid-20s and am looking for a place for myself. I’m not keen on having roommates and am introverted so I like my alone time. Though I’m worried that I will get too lonely. I also worry obviously about safety since I’ll be on my own. I also don’t like insects and worry about having to get rid of them, since someone else always did it for me. Any tips? Anything that you wish you would have known? Any help is greatly appreciated!

    1. LAI*

      Get a pet! I also like my alone time and loved living alone for my late 20s and early 30s, but I had my dog the whole time. It was so much nicer coming home to a happy pup than an empty house, he cuddled with me, I talked to him when I felt like it, etc. As for the other stuff, I always rented so I could call the landlord to fix anything major. But for the smaller stuff, I just googled it – and I enjoyed the feeling of self-sufficiency when I figured things out on my own.

    2. Rahera*

      I’ve been flatting on my own since my early twenties, and I love it. I’m introverted too, and tend to go out to meet people and come home to recharge. I genuinely don’t find it lonely. It pays to be careful with security while trying not to panic about it too much. I have the doors locked and I tend only to open the upper windows during the day — to be fair I live on a very busy road and can’t distinguish between cars on the road and a car in the driveway, so I’m a little extra cautious, but it sets my mind at ease.

      Really I find the most annoying things are always having to change the loo roll and always having to wash the teaspoons. ;-) It’s great to set your own routine. If you can, I would suggest getting a decent freezer unit or fridge freezer, and lots of freezer-appropriate ziplock bags and pottles. When it comes to cooking, I find it easier and more economical to cook a family sized meal and split it up, and unless you have feeezer room, you can end up eating the same thing five nights in a row which can get a bit old. It’s nice to come home sometimes and just defrost something, so you don’t feel like you’re always on with the cooking.

      Happy flatting!

      1. Rahera*

        Oh one more thing. I’d recommend always keeping a bottle of ginger ale or lemonade and some dry crackers in the cupboard, just in case you get a stomach bug and can’t easily get to the shops right away.

    3. HannahS*

      Well, hello! I think we’re same person, but with me six months in the future. Personally, I have not gotten lonely, but I’m in school, so I’m with people all day. If I was working, I might be more worried about loneliness, but I’d likely make more of an effort to find a social community somehow.

      Is there something in particular that makes you worry for your safety? Personally, my ground-floor apartment has a locked door and locking windows, and I checked the crime stats published by the local police in the neighbourhoods where I was looking to live. I also passed on a very lovely apartment building that was surrounded by closed businesses and parking lots, because I knew I’d be coming and going at night, and it’s safer to be in places where there are “eyes on the street.” Instead, I’m in a bustling, two-building complex on a major road, and my walking commute takes me either along the major road or through a dense residential area.

      I unfortunately had a cockroach problem, trouble with the heat, and utterly incompetent management–I didn’t find this in my research, which mostly rested on bedbugs. I think those things are by word-of-mouth. If you can find housing rental Facebook groups (a student or young professionals group maybe?) populated by people who live in the area, they can tell you which buildings have a dreadful reputation. I wish I’d done that!

    4. TootsNYC*

      insects: get a vacuum with a wand and a bag (not bagless), and then also use insecticide.

      And I agree on the recommendation of a routine. (Maybe even write it down on a schedule) For when you clean (and to clarify for yourself WHAT you will clean), when you do laundry, even when you go to bed (if you’re the sort of person who has trouble deciding to do so).

      Routines are totally powerful.

    5. Nacho*

      Roommates aren’t really that bad if you can find a good one. I’m an introvert too, but I had a roommate all through college. Just make sure your room is big enough that you don’t need to make extensive use of the living room, and you should be able to get by with barely ever seeing your roommate.

  80. Lily Evans*

    I’m not sure how to approach a situation with my roommate. I share an apartment with three other people, two are a couple who have their own bedroom and bathroom, the third is another woman who I share a bathroom with. My problem is that she has her boyfriend over almost every night. She has never asked if anyone else is okay with this, she’s never introduced him to any of us, I don’t know if she thinks she’s being sneaky by hiding him away in her room or what. They’re not quiet or anything, but I’m not sure if maybe she doesn’t realize just how obvious it is? That just on principle annoys me. But what also bothers me is that I’ve taken the greater share of buying things for the shared bathroom (tp, hand soap, tissues) that now three people are using instead of two. I’ve also changed what time I get up in the morning, thinking my roommate was in the shower at the time I used to get ready, but it turns out it’s cryptid boyfriend who’s been using it.

    I just had to text her to ask if she could ask him to put the toilet seat down when he uses our bathroom because he keeps leaving it up, and she reacted okay to that, but I don’t know how to broach the larger ongoing issue that this isn’t what I signed up for. He’s not paying any rent despite sleeping here 5 nights or more a week. I’m only supposed to be sharing a bathroom with one person (specifically another woman) not her and her boyfriend, who, to me, is a stranger. I’m really uncomfortable with the fact that there’s a man staying in my home, using my bathroom, who I couldn’t pick out of a line up. I’m also not sure whether I should bring any of this up with my other roommates, since I don’t think they have any clue what’s happening (they’re in bed well before third roomie and her bf come home most nights, and their room and bathroom are at the other end of the apartment so it’s totally possible they never hear them). Ugh. I hate any kind of confrontation, just sending the text to her about the toilet seat gave me nervous sweats, but the lease lasts another 7 months and I cannot deal with this that long. Plus, I really like my other roommates and the apartment.

    For what it’s worth, she’s been nothing but friendly towards me, but I have a jaded past with roommates that, combined with all of my other anxiety, makes situations like this really hard to manage. The whole having adult conversations tactic was never my go to, I’ve been working really hard on not reverting back to the passive aggressive monster I’ve been in the past. My whole family and a good half of my previous roommates ran on passive aggression escalating to eventual lost tempers. It’s hard to unlearn that for myself, and it’s equally as hard to trust that most people won’t start to hate you for trying to discuss problems.

    Basically right now I’d appreciate advice on is how to parse the above into one main point to bring up, instead of the riot act it currently reads like.

    1. Colleen*

      I think you have to figure out what is bothering you and approach it.

      For example, I totally get the bathroom supplies thing! I’d say “hey (roomie) can you pick up some extra TP since there are 3 people using it now?” I’m 100% sure her BF doesn’t think he’s using much, as he only rarely occasionally needs it.

      Over breakfast, or when you see your roomie aloone, ask her about the shower. “Since you both use the shower now, what’s a good time for me to hop in?” Or more aggressively, “I need your BF to wait until after X time to shower, or before Y. It’s throwing off my morning.”

      If it’s the whole concept of sharing, you might want to ask about BF- name, job, where does he live etc. then you feel a bit more like you know him, and also, can ask if she’s spent much time at his place. If he’s really becoming a 4th roommate, at some point you should say just that, but know what you want out of it- him to chip in for utilities? Groceries? To make dinner once in a while?

      Maybe when your lease is up your roomie will move in with her BF. If not, you should assess it before you sign up for another year.

      1. Lily Evans*

        The casually talking to her suggestion made me realize I forgot to add one major problem: I see her in person maybe once a week, if that! She works really weird hours, so I honestly think it’s exacerbating my annoyance that the only “interaction” I have with her is overhearing her and her boyfriend when I’m in the shared bathroom. I hate doing things over text, just because tone is so hard to convey, so the only options really are to specifically set up a time to talk or just wait until I run into her next.

        The utilities thing also bugs me a bit. Our other two roommates have those in their names (they’ve lived here longest) and she’s had a problem in the past with splitting things evenly because “she’s never here so she uses them less,” but now she’s adding a fifth person to the household! I’d love to figure out a way to bring up to them that her boyfriend is practically living here without it seeming like I’m trying to talk behind her back.

    2. Anono-me*

      Please make sure your other two roommates are aware of this. They have a right to know who is living with them also. As do you.

      It is very reasonable to say that the roommate needs to pay for the costs associated with her guest and that her guest needs to use her shower time, not yours, or an unused time. (To be fair, her guest may not realize that this is not happening. )

      You might want to text your roommate and ask for a sit down face to face conversation about your new semi roommate. (Have a list of concerns and reasonable possible solutions ready if you do this.)

      Goog luck.

    3. HannahS*

      So, I get that this situation has multiple levels of WTF-ery (he a financial drain AND he shouldn’t be living there in the first place AND you don’t even know him) but you know it’s not great to say all of them, because they’re problems with really different solutions–one where he stays but pays rent/contributes to household, one where he only stays occasionally, and one where you just get to know him a bit. And it sounds like really the only acceptable solution to you is “this guy can’t stay here more than X times a week, and I’m not ok with him being here in the morning taking up shower time.” So I think if you’re going to talk with her about it, you need to have the outcome you want in mind, and share it with the other two roommates. So, step 1, articulate what you want to yourself, step 2, talk with the other roommates to make sure they’ll back you up, or at least not undermine you. Talking with roommate might look like scheduling a talk over text, then when you’re talking, say something like, “Hey, so I’m sure Fergus is a really nice guy, but I’m not ok with the amount of time he’s spending here. I know it probably doesn’t feel like a lot to you, but it’s been multiple nights a week for the past X months. I signed up to live here thinking that I’d be sharing space and a bathroom with a one female roommate, but that’s not happening, and I’m really not comfortable with it. I’m willing to compromise occasionally on a weekend here or there, as a roommate-to-roommate favour, but not multiple nights a week, and not without you letting me know by text or something that he’s going to be here, ok?” …and then, I’m sorry, but she actually might hate you. She’s not sounding like the most considerate person here, right? She might feel attacked! She might yell! She might “buy WHYY” at you. Your line is, “I’m sorry, but I signed up to share space with one female roommate, because that’s what I was comfortable with. I’m willing to compromise for occasional guests, so I’m fine with him being an occasional guest, like, one night a week or something, if you let me know in advance.” Or, to pull out the big guns, “If you want, we can discuss this with [other roommates]” where you know the others are going to back you up.

      1. TL -*

        On this note, check your lease. My guess is that your lease has a definition of a guest and he’s way violating it.

        Talk to her, mention what the lease allows, mention what you’re comfortable with, maintain that he is a noticeable presence in the apartment, and be kind but very firm.

        And stop buying toiletries every time; keep a stock in your room and when it’s her turn to buy, bring your stuff in and out until she buys.

    4. Kuododi*

      I get the communication limitations are a nuisance…. I would encourage you to text this roommate and set a time for a face to face…..to prepare, actually write out a list of concerns you believe need to be addressed. Your other roommates definitely need to be looped into the situation because they are not aware of the magnitude of the problem, or are able to make informed decisions about how they want to proceed. Ask yourself, what would be the worst thing to happen if you face your fear and address these roommate problems? Someone might be upset with you however the chances of an actual altercation is really pretty small. Even if the worst were to happen and your roommate was to become upset to the point of aggression…you are capable of managing that as well. (Stay near the door, leave the room when things escalate, call the law if anyone becomes aggressive.). You can do this! It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, but ultimately, not fatal. :)

    5. Thlayli*

      First I would point blank stop buying things for the bathroom. Take all the stuff you’ve bought out of the bathroom and keep it in your room until you sort the situation out. You shouldn’t have to pay for this mans toilet roll for heavens sake. Maybe leave one roll though so it’s not a dirty protest situation!

      Secondly I think you need to figure out what solution you want. Do you want the rule to be no men over ever for either of you? Or do you just want to get to know the guy so he’s not s stranger? It seems clear to me that it’s somewhere in the middle – maybe you would be happy if you knew in advance when he was going to be there, or if you all three contributed to a pot of money for bathroom supplies, and took turns cleaning (properly) each week so it’s always clean but you only have to clean once every three weeks each. Or maybe you want a limit of 2 nights a week or something. All of these things are totally reasonable to ask for. Text your flatmate and arrange to meet to discuss use of the bathroom. Be prepared to compromise a little. If you can’t come to an agreement then arrange a house meeting with all the housemates. I’m sure they wouldn’t be too happy with a stranger basically living there and using hot water etc that he’s not contributing to.

    6. ..Kat..*

      If her boyfriend is there almost every night, you are significantly subsidizing his utility costs, bathroom supply costs, rent costs, etc. This is not fair to you. But, decide what you want before you inform all the roommates/confront her about this. Would you be okay with him moving in and paying 1/5 the rent/utilities/other costs? Do you want him to only spend the night X nights per week and contribute $Y to the budget? Or something else? But, yes, the current arrangement is unfair to you. And, as an unofficial household person, he doesn’t get to have a priority in bathroom/shower time. Freeloaders don’t get first dibs on the bathroom – or any other shared resource that they don’t pay for.

    7. Anona*

      I second the other suggestions. Talk to the other roommates, decide what you want (partial rent? $$ for utilities? More bathroom supplies? Shower schedule? A chance to get introduced to him as a house? ), and text her to set up a house meeting, hopefully with all roommates, but without him.

      If she pushed back on paying full utilities because she’s “never there”, she probably won’t be stoked about more rent/utilities for boyfriend. But I’d really get a firm front in advance with the other roommates and be firm about what you want.

      I’d say things, matter of factly, without anger, that the current state of things isn’t working for you, and that the original understanding was that you’d be sharing with one other person, so with the new situation where boyfriend is around at least x nights, there needs to be adjustments made. You could even say that you’re sure she’s not realized how to you feel, so that’s why you’re having this meeting to get things out in the open to set up something that works for all. I’d explain that you’d be fine if boyfriend was only here on weekends (or whatever), but if it’s more, then more adjustments need to happen to keep things livable and fair. It’s nice that you have precedent with the other couple paying rent/splitting utilities equally (I’m assuming), since that’s a really easy standard to point to. Like, if he’ll be here this much, it’s fair that he make a similar contribution. You could even say if he just wants to move in, then everything can be split equally, vs prorated.

      She may end up staying more at his place, instead of paying, which would also be fine for your purposes. But definitely think carefully about what you want, and do a united front!

    8. the gold digger*

      Not much advice, but a ton of sympathy. I shared an apartment with two other women when I was in grad school. I moved in in January to replace their first semester roommate, who moved out.

      I found out very soon why former roommate had left – current roommate #1 had her boyfriend over every single night – and they were very enthusiastic and very noisy in their bedroom activities.

      Roommate #2 and I were pissed. R2 talked to R1, who got angry and said that her boyfriend was having his newspaper delivered to us instead of to his place and wasn’t that a contribution?

      Boyfriend continued to stay every night. Did not pay for any bills. They still made noise. R1 and R2’s friendship ended. They had known each other for years and were going to be in each other’s weddings, but that didn’t happen. So – not a happy ending, unfortunately.

      But – it sounds like you are not lifetime friends with Roommate and you don’t have much to lose. It is perfectly reasonable not to want a guest every single night and not to want to share your bathroom – the bathroom you supply and you clean – with a strange man. I think it’s reasonable to, after agreement with the other roommates, set rules about the number of nights per week there can be guests or if there can be overnight guests at all. If you and other roommates do agree on this, talk to her as a group so she knows it’s not just you and so you have some emotional support, because this sort of thing is really hard.

      I also like the idea of checking the terms of the lease – you may have backup in that the lease limits the number of nights. (Primo had to get me put onto his lease when I moved here and we were looking for a house.)

    9. Lily Evans*

      Thank you to everyone who commented! Sleeping on it and reading through all of the thoughtful replies here have led me to form a clearer plan to how to approach this. I think first I’ll talk to my other two roommates. For some reason in my head talking to them about this equaled stirring up unnecessary drama, but as at least one comment pointed out they have a right to know what’s going on. If I was in their shoes, I’d want to know that we basically had an unofficial fifth roommate. I think I’ll just let them know what the situation is, and that I’m planning on talking to Jane about it, leaving it up to them whether they’d like to participate as a full roommate meeting about utilities etc., or if they’d not as fussed I’ll talk to her alone about the bathroom issues. Which I’ll approach from the “I was supposed to be sharing the bathroom with you, not you and bf. How can we arrange things more equitably if he’s going to be staying over so often?” angle. I’ll probably also mention that I wish she’d just asked if it was okay for him to stay over instead of just doing it.

      1. Lily Evans*

        Also multiple people have mentioned checking the lease terms, and unfortunately there’s no straightforward limit on overnight guests.

      1. Lily Evans*

        That’s how I refer to him in my head since I have no concrete evidence of his existence beyond hearing his voice from afar, the “for men” shower gel that appeared in our tub, and the toilet seat occasionally being left all the way up.

        1. Thlayli*

          If he’s paying for his shower gel at least, that bodes well! He may be totally willling to pitch in for TP and cleaning rota. Good luck!

  81. Proform Hiit Trainer - anyone use one?*

    Hi
    I’m thinking of buying a Proform Hiit trainer – has anyone used one? It looks like it’s what I want as it’s cross between elliptical/stepper and takes up less space than regular elliptical.
    Thanks

    1. Helpful*

      I use a similar one at the gym and I find it is starting to aggravate my knees which never happened with a traditional elliptical. Just my two cents in case you haven’t used one before!

  82. Casuan*

    Not So NewReader commented on an earlier post & it is amazing.

    Can I just say to everyone who is reading, if heaven forbid you are hit by tragedy in your life don’t let yourself fall into isolation. Make yourself let other people help you. People can be really awesome and super thoughtful if we just give them a chance to do that. You don’t have to walk alone.

    in context:
    https://www.askamanager.org/2018/02/weekend-free-for-all-february-17-18-2018.html#comment-1859090

    1. Reba*

      And speaking as a friend, obviously not that I want misfortune to befall the people I love, but it is truly an honor and a meaningful gift to be able to step up for them.

  83. Chocolate Teapot*

    An odd thing happened at my Zumba class this week. We were all jumping around as usual and a new attendee suddenly took the instructor to task about the lyrics of the songs, saying they were racist and sexist. (Various choruses along the “move your body girl” line)

    Admittedly, I don’t pay so much attention to the lyrics but I wonder what is going to happen next week?

    1. nep*

      Interesting. I teach fitness classes and I am constantly in the market for songs that will be good to move to in class. And part of that is scouring the songs for any potentially offensive language. I often wonder how many people pay attention to lyrics.

  84. emotional intimacy*

    I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional intimacy (not physical). If you are single, how do you get that need met? It feels sometimes to me like if I don’t share more intimate things, I feel like either I’m going to explode and/or become invisible, although I can go a longish time without feeling that. I don’t have a lot of friends, but I am very active with different activities etc. I don’t know if adults have a BFF but the ones I know who do they have been friends since college or earlier, or it’s their partner. I am building friendships and developing the ones I do have but these things take time.

    1. Thlayli*

      It does take time. I’ve made friends as An adult that have developed into BEst Friend status while I’ve lived near them and spent time with them, but unfortunately I’ve not managed to keep in touch with them when we moved away from each other. I kind of feel like the BFF thing does start earlier on in life. But you can definitely make close friends as an adult (if you’re a woman anyway, it seems to be much harder for men).

    2. Amadeo*

      I’m lucky in that while I have a few friends I go some stuff with on the very much occasional occasion, I have my family (mainly my sister and my mother) for this. My sister and I are only a couple years apart in age and even while we’re at work we’ll chat back and forth at each other every day and share that kind of stuff. I think my mother planned it that way, to be honest.

      I agree with Thlayli though that that kind of thing with others takes time and is a lot harder to do as an adult.

    3. Simone R*

      I agree with what has already been said, but I wanted to add that there are different levels of intimacy, and you can start with smaller things to build up to deeper ones. With your more casual friends, someone has to start deepening the relationship. They may share more personal things more easily if someone else has made the first step.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I know a few people around me, but I would not say I have a BFF.

      I kind of divided my problems into two groups, fixable and NOT fixable.
      Of the fixable ones, I look around to see who is good at what. Sue is good at taxes, I will ask her my tax question. I heard Bob talking about dealing with a mouse in the house, I will ask him about my mouse problem. As I went along, I found that I was embarrassed about some questions and there was no reason to be embarrassed. If we have never dealt with a mouse in the house then we naturally would not know how to deal with a mouse in the house. No need for shame on that one.
      Sometimes we attach emotions to problems where we just do not need to attach emotions.

      Of the problems that are NOT fixable, this is a little tougher because people can be really subtle. After my husband passed, I looked out the window one day and my neighbor was mowing my lawn for me. That was his nod to “I can’t fix your husband, but I can jump in and get this lawn taken care of.” To me that was emotional support, although it was in a strange package as the lawn has very little to do with my larger issue of grief. Sometimes people realize we have something bigger and not fixable going on so they lighten our load where they can lighten it. Look for these folks whose actions speak louder than words.

      The other thing I have done to help myself is to endlessly read on various topics that concern me. I don’t stay with one topic too long, I will move to a different concern and read something on that. The internet has been a huge help but I have also borrowed many library books.
      To help lessen the feeling of wanting to explode do things more often to help yourself along. Don’t let concerns pile up. I have a stupid example, but bear with me. I worry about finances, when I had my old dog I worried about him and I worried about the safety of my old, old house. That is plate load of worry. So my solution was to not allow new worries to jump in here. Take the car and have that strange noise checked; furnace is running oddly then call the repair guy. It’s really important to help ourselves where we can every day.

      In the end, I found that random people who were not close friends ended up being the ones who I connected with on the emotional stuff. People are great. Sometimes they just blurt out the very thing I have been beating around inside my head and not sharing with anyone. I go with the flow when that happens because usually the person will say something that makes a difference. Emotional intimacy does not always come the way we expect it. Sometimes it comes on the fly when we would prefer to sit and talk over a pot of coffee or a good meal. Sometimes emotional intimacy comes at a time when we think we are too busy doing something else.

      Last. Double check yourself. Are you giving and giving and expecting very little in return? It’s okay to expect the friends you have to give something back to you. Friendship is a back and a forth. Make sure you are not letting one or more people just take and take and take.

      1. Thlayli*

        Can I just say that story about your neighbour mowing your lawn is so sweet. What a lovely guy. I know it’s just a small thing but how thoughtful.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It warmed my heart and gave me hope. I have a very poor sense of balance and I was learning to use the tractor. So mowing involved an hour of crying before I even started mowing. I don’t think he was aware of my tractor issues, which makes the meaning of his actions even greater.

    5. Rainy*

      I have a BFF. We met during our doctoral programme. She lives on another continent now but we have weekly skype dates and text/email/etc, and we try to make sure and see each other whenever we’re on the same continent. We have been BFFs about 8 years now, since we were both single. We both had other friends as well of course, but having someone who’s your go-to for spending time and sharing stuff is always nice.

    6. buddythefox*

      As I’ve gotten older and especially post-college, I’ve become much closer to my mum and sister, and they definitely fill a lot of that role for me. I know not everyone is close with their family, but I think it’s the same sort of thing as a childhood BFF where you’ve just known the person forever. I totally agree that it is harder to find super-close friends as an adult. The closest I have come is gal from college who I only sort-of knew at the time, but we ended up moving to the same city after graduation and became much closer then.

  85. families!*

    My father passed away years ago and my mother remarried. I was in my mid 40s, living far away, when that happened. How do you call the man who is now her husband? With friends I might say my mother and [his name]. But with others I say my mother and her husband which is really long, and people will often say “oh, your step-father?”I don’t feel he is my step-father at all! But then I feel like I’m being rejecting, but really, I hardly have a relationship with him. Is there some elusive term I am missing?

    1. Caledonia*

      I say (although we are not in contact/close) “my dad’s wife”. I don’t say stepmum because that applies a closer relationship than we have. And also, I had all my parenting from my mum.

      1. Casuan*

        ditto with me
        Even though the marriage was when I was a teen (1980s), she has never even tried to get to know me. So she is “my dad’s wife.”
        Sometimes I’ll use stepmother, although that’s only to simplify things (eg: if my dad is in hospital I’ll tell the staff she’s my stepmother).

    2. Anona*

      My husband is in the same situation. He just calls his his mother’s husband. If someone asks if it’s his stepfather, he’ll briefly explain that they got married when he was already an adult. Likewise, he doesn’t really view the adult sons of his mom’s husband as stepbrothers.

      He’ll explain that too, if people ask. He also usually follows it up with something about how he likes his mom’s husband, but they just don’t have a parental relationship because they got married when he was already an adult.

    3. Triplestep*

      My mother was in this exact situation. For people in her closer circle, they were “My mother and John.” For others, they were “My mother and her husband.”

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I think people who say “oh, your stepfather?” are just figuring out the relationship. I would be wondering if it’s someone she’s been dating for a month or someone she married, because of the (usual) qualitative difference between the two relationships. If they’re paying attention, they’ll deduce that it’s probably not quite a familial relationship.

      I have aunts and uncles that I called Aunt Cersei and Uncle Tyrion as a child, but now as an adult I just call Cersei and Tyrion, and I’m fairly close with them. I don’t think I’m rejecting them by calling them that. Do your mom or her husband hint or openly push you to call him something else? It’s not really for them or anyone else to tell you how familiar you should feel with them, or with anyone.

    5. Earthwalker*

      I called the wonderful woman who married Dad when I was already grown up “Dad’s wife.” I was too old for a mother/daughter relationship by then and to me “stepmother” goes with “wicked,” which she was absolutely the opposite of. Asked a cousin what he called the woman who married his dad, a woman the whole family adores, and he went with “Dad’s wife” too.

    6. LAI*

      Both my parents are in relationships with people they met long after I’d left the house. I call them “my dad’s wife” and “my mom’s boyfriend”. They also have kids, which is even harder to explain (“oh, he’s my dad’s wife’s kid”). But if someone else refers to them as my stepmother or stepbrothers, I don’t argue with it. It’s technically true.

    7. Someone else*

      What you’re doing is totally consistent with everyone I know whose parent got remarried when they (the son/daughter) were adults. Not using “step-parent”, to me, doesn’t indicate any kind of rejection of the spouse, but rather that they got married when it was well past a time when the spouse might do any “parenting” of you, and thus no reason to use a name that implies some form of parental-esque relationship. If someone does say “oh, your step-father” if you want to clarify I think it’s totally reasonable to say “well, I was 40 when they got married, so not really?” and it won’t seem rejectey, but also if you don’t feel the need to elaborate or correct it, that’s fine too. I think this is common enough that the “my parent’s spouse” construct needn’t have negative connotations or imply some sort of bad relationship. It very often just means they got married when you were an adult and aren’t super close to that person and that’s fine.

    8. Slartibartfast*

      I also call the awesome woman in my dad’s life who wasn’t a step parent “my dad’s wife”. He’s been gone awhile sadly (been missing him a lot lately) and she’s still in my life as my dad’s wife.
      Oddly, my mom was the one to step in and help dad’s wife plan the funeral, as dad’s wife never had to plan anything like that before. I remember dads wife saying “isn’t this weird?” and mom saying “wife, the only person who would have a problem with it is in no position to complain”.

    9. TootsNYC*

      I think people who respond to “my mother and her husband” with “Oh, your step-father?” are REALLY RUDE.

      Look at them weirdly and say, slowly and patiently and clearly,
      “My mother’s husband.” Maybe add: “Who is a perfectly fine person.”

      And then go briskly on with your story.

      Seriously, it’s not like every “parent’s spouse” gets called “stepfather” or “stepdad.” (especially stepdad)

      I suppose you could start calling him “my stepfather,” which has a more “official tone” to it but isn’t particularly intimate.

      1. TootsNYC*

        Or, I suppose you could say, “That’s not really the term I use. He’s fine, we’re just not close.” And then go on.

    10. Temporarily not lurking*

      We use different terms depending on the situation. Context: widower father who remarried when I was 41. We see them regularly and have good relations.

      1) Inside the family, e.g. referring to her when talking to my daughter: Grandma Cersei.
      2) If with friends who have kids, e.g. at a kid’s birthday party: Daughter’s grandmother
      3) Informally among adults in my family: Cersei
      4) Informally among adults in step-mother’s family: my step-mother (lots and lots of distant relatives who meet occasionally; easiest, fastest, and simplest way to identify relationship with people I may never have met before or don’t remember meeting.)
      5) Strangers: my step-mother. Yes, I do occasionally get strange looks when people realize how old I was when I gained a step-mother, but that’s minor. There tends to be more awkwardness because people assume my father was divorced as opposed to widowed, and so then ask about my mother.

      But we’re all relaxed about it, one of the main drivers of this was my wife’s family. My wife’s family is from a culture where proper respect to elders must be shown and the concept of referring to one’s grandmother or parent by first name is “horrifyingly improper.” So having the honorific of “grandma” solves a lot of problems. My father and step-mother were dating when my daughter was born, so she has been a part of my daughter’s life the entire time.

  86. Bibliovore*

    Best: home after a work trip. Snuggled on the couch.pile of good reading. No huge looming deadlines. Avocado toast for breakfast.

    Worst: looks like I am sick again. Swollen glands. Hacking cough. Wheezy, asthma. Took some musenex, hoping it is just a cold. On the road again in two weeks.

  87. Bekx*

    Any tips on how to stop gossiping?? I’m not saying anything bad or being a bully, I just can’t freaking keep a secret.

    I love talking and I love drama (as in, I love reading /r/relationships because there are some doozies, not me starting drama). I try to just tell my boyfriend all the gossip because I feel like that’s harmless but it doesn’t scratch the itch. Its like I get this high from telling people “omg this crazy thing happened to X, I wouldn’t know what to do!” or even I’ve almost left slip the surprise anniversary massage present I have booked for my boyfriend and I.

    Any tips??

    1. fposte*

      I sympathize; I really like gossip too. (I love Patricia Spacks’ phrase that “Gossip is news in a red silk dress.”) I can actually keep a real secret (I feel like I know when all my high school friends had abortions) if I have to, so I have it in me, but not maybe as often as I ought.

      I would try exercising your discretion muscles a little rather than quitting cold turkey. That itch is often strongest when new–pick a piece of intel and challenge yourself to hold off until the next day, or the *next* time, not this time, you’d see the friend you’d be talking to. See what that does to your telling impulse. Or try picking one thing you *will* tell and letting the rest go for the moment.

      1. Bekx*

        That’s awesome advice, thank you. You’re totally right, the urge does go down the next day. It’s getting through that first day.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I’ve often had the same problem! One thing that helps me is putting something into perspective, like yes it will feel good to tell someone about this surprise right now, but won’t it feel better to actually surprise them? I also remind myself that it’s better to be trusted by my friends than to get the quick high of sharing gossip.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Figure out what is missing from your life that gossiping fills in for.

      Drama is a high or a kick. Build on to your life so that your own life has highs and kicks. OTH, some people derive energy from gossip. Do you feel tired often? Do you think of yourself as running low on energy sometimes? Maybe it’s time to beef up your self-care so that you don’t need gossip/coffee/etc to feel energized.

      Remember gossiping is borrowing other people’s lives. Get stuff going on in your life so that things going on in other people’s lives takes a distant second place.

    4. Thlayli*

      I have a really hard time remembering what is a secret and what isn’t. Some stuff is obvious of course, but some isn’t. It started to become a problem a few years ago and I went through a phase of asking people “is this a secret or not? Who can I tell?” And if someone starts out with “don’t tell anyone but…” I would say “don’t tell me, I can’t keep a secret!” After a while I got better at it and now it’s not really a problem for me at all.

      Gossip is really common so I don’t think you’re abnormal getting a little thrill out of it. I read once the percentage of our conversation that is about other people and I can’t remember what it is but it’s pretry high.

      I think the strategy of just telling your partner everything is a good one – it gets it off your chest and I think most people assume there are no secrets between couples so if I tell my friend something I assume their husband will know too. Another good tactic is to only tell people who have never met the person you are gossiping about and is unlikely to ever meet them.

  88. Music andlyrics*

    Had my well water tested and it failed for lead. Totally freaking out. My kids and I have been drinking this water for 9 years. Can’t get them tested for exposure until Wednesday.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I know we have people who work with water supplies here.

      Do you have the test in front of you? Can you tell us what it says under parts per million or whatever the unit of measure is?
      I hope you come back to your post here.

      1. Music andlyrics*

        81 ppb. Which is way, way over the epa limit. We had the water tested when we moved in, but didn’t know it should be tested every year.

    2. Anono-me*

      You are having your children tested due to the well test, not due to anything that you, their teachers, or their pediatrian noticed. I think this is a good sign. I am hoping for the best for your family.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I was thinking the same thing, the initial finding was in the water not in the kids. That is a plus.

        It’s probably wise to have well water tested annually. I am on a board for a small municipality, we have a regular list of tests that we have to go through in checking our wells. Things change as underground water flows can start or stop or even change direction. And what your neighbors are doing can impact what happens to your well. My friend’s neighbors put in a new well and my friend’s water turned black. Yeah, what’s up with that. Confusingly well water can also change when we have a drought. A friend complained their water started smelling like sulfur. Once the water table went up again the smell went away.

        I am taking some hope in the fact that you do not mention noticing changes in your kids. Please let us know how this goes for you. I am sending good vibes your way.

  89. wubbletelescope*

    Little big cat has been acting aggressively hungry lately. No change in feeding or type of food. Had a check up three months ago, was fine. Don’t know if this is bad habit or something of more concern, taking back to vet for check up.

    1. cat socks*

      Have the vet check his thyroid levels. Sometimes excessive hunger can be a sign of hyperthyroidism, especially if there is associated weight loss. My big tabby boy was diagnosed about 6 months ago and he is on medication to regulate his levels. Good luck!

  90. Jules the First*

    Hey Elizabeth – do figure skaters train in helmets?

    I was talking with some friends the other day and they were amazed (since we’re all equestrians and the rules make you wear a helmet at all levels and all disciplines to set a good example for junior competitors) to see the figure skaters helmetless. I pointed out that the speed skaters are also helmetless, which left me stumped trying to define the logic.

    I know growing up that we had to wear helmets for all learn-to-skate programmes, hockey, and short track, while speed skating required a helmet while you learned but once you had mastered the difference between skates and speed skates, you got to turn in your helmet (though I usually wore one anyway unless I was the least experienced skater on the track). I never got past learn-to-skate on figure skates, so I have no idea when or why they let you give up the helmet.

    I can’t be the only one wondering why figure skaters get to skip the helmet despite a series of death-defying leaps and tosses…

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      We didn’t wear helmets when learning to skate! I did figure skating for a bit and never wore one. I did for ice hockey though.

    2. Epsilon Delta*

      I was watching the men’s 1500 m race last night and they were wearing helmets. I was wondering the same thing, why are they wearing helmets for this event? And now that you point out that figure skaters don’t wear helmets I wonder even more. (Although I suspect that the reason for figure skaters has something to do with style/appearance/we’ve never worn helmets, because I would argue they are probably at quite a high risk of head injury with all the jumps they do, especially compared to speed skaters).

      Also, I took skating lessons as a kid and don’t remember ever wearing a helmet.

      1. Jules the First*

        There are two 1,500m events on speedskates – short track (skated on speed skates but round a hockey rink) and long track (often called just “speed skating” which takes place on an oval). The former wear helmets (and gloves and pads and kevlar suits) because the tighter curves make you more likely to crash and the larger heats (4-6 skaters) make you more likely to lose control and hit someone or something. The latter don’t wear helmets for much the same reason that pole vaulters don’t: because, frankly, if you wipe out on an oval, it was your own dang fault – there’s only two skaters in a heat (so you can’t get knocked over) and only two very gentle curves per lap. You will occasionally see a long tracker in a helmet for the team pursuit, but it’s pretty unusual.

        Oddly enough, although both versions are called “speed skates”, the actual skates for short and long track events are slightly different – short track blades are fixed to your boots at both ends, long track ones are fixed at the toe and “klap” in and out of a bracket at the heel on every stride.

        (Oh, and lest you think me a paragon of winter sports, I suck at all these – I just grew up in a winter-prone country, in a town that happened to have a full set of olympic facilities so we did all manner of winter olympic sports at school)

    3. Aealias*

      Helmets for figure skating is a new thing since I learned. I now see them required at the beginning levels (first year or two) or with smaller children. Watching a 10-yr-old skate out for practice and knock off triples in a helmet was a trip! But competitively, a huge part of a skater’s mark is presentation. Costume, hair, facial expression all matter. You can’t show that stuff in a helmet! Style trumps safety. :)

    4. fposte*

      Speaking as an equestrian–in the U.S., helmets aren’t required at all levels or all disciplines. They’re mostly limited to hunt-seat English, and the FEI doesn’t even require them for dressage; you don’t see them on saddle seat or in Western, even in rodeo. And of course for a long time, the helmets worn were pretty much useless anyway and were more about cosmesis than protection (I remember when the big upgrade to cardboard velvet was a chin cup rather than an elastic under-chin strap).

      1. Jules the First*

        Huh. I had forgotten that FEI has different rules for under-7s and over-26s…I guess I just assumed that helmets were required, since the last time I competed a horse older than 7, I was under 26!

        Helmet technology has come a long way in the last 15-20 years (with a corresponding reduction in serious head injuries) and I’m glad to see the FEI reviewing their helmet clauses this year. Personally, although I never wore one as a child, I now wear one whenever I’m within arm’s reach of a horse – possibly overkill, but I’ve known too many people who were injured in a “freak accident” that could have been wholly or partly avoided if they’d been wearing a helmet.

        And that said, I still skate helmetless…which is probably something I should stop doing, given how rarely I skate these days!

        1. fposte*

          I think the older you get, the more you understand skull and brain fragility, too, and the less you care about looking cool.

          1. Jules the First*

            Heh. For me the turning point was my first concussion (I walked into a lamp post) and the realisation that even a fairly mild concussion is unpleasant enough that I never want to repeat the experience…

        1. fposte*

          Not for a long time, but it was a big love of my youth, and I’m intermittently in touch with a few still in that world.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            That is cool. Nice memory to have. And you could probably still ride today, it would all come back to you.

      3. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

        It’s surprising how little it takes to make the difference between deadly and dangerous though – for both the old English and Western hats whatever hits you/you hit is more likely to glance off than stick in (including a horse’s foot on a downed rider, in one case I know of)
        Though the new helmets are definitely better :)

        1. Jules the First*

          That’s true…but the biggest improvement in the stats is the decrease in concussions in both numbers and severity (cut by about half when wearing an appropriate helmet). Having watched a friend walk away from a headplant that we were convinced would require an ambulance, I am pro-helmet all the way :)

          (And yes, the first thing I did after that ride was upgrade my helmet..)

          1. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

            oh heck, I can imagine!
            basically ‘anything is better than nothing, but something better is better than just anything’ :) I like my old helmet & it’s got loads of memories, but should I start riding again it’s time for a new one (maybe one that actually vents rather than have that turny thing at the top that never did anything!) :)

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I didn’t. No one at our rink does; I have no idea if they’re required now since I quit. The only folks I ever saw wearing helmets were an elderly skater I knew when I first started, and very very small children. I always wore my hair in a ponytail when I started so if I fell backward and hit my head, the ponytail would cushion the blow. There is a such thing as butt pads and hip pads, however. :)

  91. Gala apple*

    I had roots colored last weekend and wasn’t thrilled with the color—the stylist went medium brown when I wanted medium/dark. And I noticed today that my grays are starting to come through. I called the salon and the manager will redo it for me tomorrow night. Do I tip her? It’s a Hair Cuttery type place.

    Also any tips for learning how to talk about color or how to choose color appreciated! I have dark hair and gray all over, and in my early 30s so no natural color visible.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My hair used to be like a deep chocolate brown. I would hear people say my hair was black. Then the gray came in and it turns blonde in the summer, so now it’s like a calico or something, I dunno.

      Anyway, when I was coloring it I had read some where about rinsing hair with coffee to darken the roots. I never tried it but I thought it would be interesting to try. (I quit coloring it shortly after so I never tried it.)
      I did get good results adding chamomile oil to my conditioner this gave me a nice soft subtle blonde tone. I think I put about ten drops in the bottle. So while a bottle of chamomile oil was a bit spendy, I could see it was going to last a long time.

    2. Rainy*

      I’d tip.

      And if the recolour is unsuccessful, find a different salon/stylist, because life is too short to have bad colour.

    3. Rusty*

      Did you tip the first colorist?

      If so & they’re fixing it, a tip isn’t required – you paid & tipped for a service & now have to spend your time having it fixed. However, because it’s a different stylist, you can tip if she does a good job & you want to, but it’s not necessary.

    4. Casuan*

      If you want the colours to blend, try to put the desired colour next to the hairs that keep their existing colour. The best shades are when it’s difficult to tell where one colour ends & the other starts. Just make sure to account for any weird lighting in the salon.

      As for tipping… augh. I get so tired of always having to think of whom to tip &or how much. Tip jars drive me bonkers. My thought is that you really shouldn’t be required to tip twice due to an error from the stylist. Ideally, the manager should think of this as part of her role as manager. I’m not saying never to tip the manager; I just don’t think it’s warranted in your situation.
      When I’m in tip-doubt, I ask the reception or even the person providing the service. It seems counter-intuitive to ask the person to whom I’d tip, although I’ve found I receive honest answers & appreciation that I’ve asked [& only one or two who were offended].
      In your situation I’d say “I don’t know the tip protocol here, is it customary to tip in this situation?”
      If the manager gives an emphatic yes, then tip as you normally would & find another salon.
      Good luck!

  92. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for stores (brick and mortar) that sell women’s pants with an inseam of at least 33 inches? (size 16)

    I’m so frustrated trying to buy pants. For work I normally wear leggings with long shirts (yes, everything is covered and they’re thick!) or skinny fit jean-type pants that look more like twill so I can get away with it, but I want to get a few pairs of pants that I can wear with flats rather than my boots. I prefer a very slim fit, because straight legs, boot cut, etc. tend to look ridiculous on me since I’m tall with long legs. I can’t wear jeans to work, of course, and I don’t want to go back to skirts because then I have to wear dress shoes all the time.

    In-store I’ve tried Dress Barn (now Roz & Alli), the Avenue, Lane Bryant, and Banana Republic. Their tall sizes have inseams that generally don’t go beyond 31 inches, which is a bit short for wearing regular shoes. I checked out Long Tall Sally, but their inseam starts at 34 inches. I could probably get away with that, but it seems like size 16 is usually sold out in the 34 inch inseam.

    Any suggestions?

    2. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      if you’ve an LTS nearby to try on or don’t mind a round or so of sending back, try a 12 or 14. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve ordered from them so things might have changed, but historically their pant sizes haven’t matched their sizing info – I measure out as a 14/16 on their chart and generally wear a 10/12 in their jeans.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I noticed that too–I went to their location in London and the attendant eyeballed me and said, “Oh you’re a 12” and I was baffled. But the jeans fit me perfectly. God, he was the best, and I spent an obscene amount of money there. :)

        Old Navy has leggings that should fit — I’m a 34 and they are juuuuuuust long enough for me.

    3. Colleen*

      Old navy- they have long as well as tall, and I’m 5’10” and the long works for me- I need a 32.5-33.5 inseam.

      Gap may also work, not sure if they go to size 16 in store.

    5. Uncivil Engineer*

      JCrew’s tall Maddie pants are slim/straight fit and come in 33″ inseams but are only sold online; however, they will ship to a store for free and returns to a store are also free.

      Banana Republic: long pants come in various lengths depending on the style. Ryan slim/straight fits says it is 33″. Long pants aren’t always available in stores but shipping is free over $50 and returns by mail are free (or you can take it in to a store).

      Ann Taylor, NY & Co, and Express all offer pants in bootcut, straight leg, and trouser style in 33″ inseam but,
      sadly, all their slim or skinny fit pants are shorter.

      I wear a 33″ inseam, too. They’re hard to find.

  93. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Just in case anyone wondered…
    I passed the final! WEEEEEEEE!!! The professors traditionally give 50 minutes to answer the whole thing and don’t answer questions, so I left the classroom shaking with anxiety. (I’m still fighting the impulse to burn all my notes since I really, really hated this course) Now I have a couple of weeks off before the new term starts.

  94. housing crisis*

    I posted back in late November/early December venting about rental prices skyrocketing and being worried about eventually not being able to afford housing in my town. I ended up renewing my lease for a year because it wasn’t any cheaper anywhere else, and I got a couple hundred off January’s rent as an incentive from my landlord.

    Since then, a few things have changed:
    – My salary has gone up $12k.
    – I now require a second bedroom to house guests for a few months of the year. A second bathroom would also be nice, but is negotiable.
    – I reeeally want my next car to be an electric car. To do that, I need somewhere to charge it at night. I can’t find any apartment complexes that offer charging ports here, so I would like someplace where I can install one. This means I need to be an owner.

    I’m not going to break my lease to satisfy #2, but it is a hard requirement for 2019. #3 is a strong want, but not an immediate need as my current car is still in great shape. So I will be moving by summer 2019 — I might do another 6 months to avoid moving in winter.

    Two bedroom apartments here are anywhere from $950 – $1100 a month, and I can now comfortably afford that. I could also afford a small home that is < $175K or a condo that is <$150k, assuming ~$200 for the HOA. I figure I can save up $15k reasonably by summer 2019.

    I also have $26k in student loans at 6.6% that I would like to get rid of. I could use that $15k to get rid of a large chunk of that loan early. (There is another $18k in student loans that is at 4.5% and less that I am not so worried about because I think I can get better returns in the market.) I have no other debt (credit card, car, etc.)

    My question is, should I save that $15k for a downpayment, or put it towards the higher interest student loans and continue to rent in 2019 and beyond?

    1. Ron McDon*

      My feeling is that usually one should pay off debt rather than save, unless you can get a higher interest rate on your savings than you’re paying on your loans.

      A few years ago I had a car loan, but it was 0% interest, so I paid it from my bank account each month, and kept my savings (which I could have used to pay off the loan) in a savings account on which I was receiving interest.

      However, I’ve never had to choose between home ownership and paying off loans; my feeling here is that if you can afford to service your loan payments each month whilst saving for/running a home, you should buy a property. Simply because house prices usually rise year on year (I am basing this on my local market, your area may be different), and you may find that prices have risen out of your reach in a year or two.

      1. housing crisis*

        Those prices do take into account my current debts; I would definitely be able to afford more home if I didn’t have them! But then I wouldn’t have a job that allowed me to even afford an apartment here.

        We officially don’t have enough homes for buyers in my city and are geographically constrained, so there is no land to build large subdivisions anymore. So I do worry about prices skyrocketing out of my reach within a few years, unless a high-earning SO falls out of the sky and into my lap….

    2. Enough*

      Do you have any other money? There will be other closing expenses on a sale and then ongoing expenses you don’t have as a renter. And the amount of debt you have will limit what you can borrow. You need to establish a life happens fund (couple of thousand) This would be to cover the unexpected like a car repair or a crown. You also need an emergency fund that would be 6 months of living expenses (not net income but what you absolutely need to cover essential costs without adding to debt). I would recommend you pay off as much debt as possible while starting to set aside savings. You don’t need to save the 2 pots of money I mention all at once but should be building every month. So probably rent till at least summer of 2020.

      1. housing crisis*

        I have a 6-month emergency fund; this pile of money would be totally exclusive of that pile of money.

          1. housing crisis*

            My parents were never good with finances. I vowed early on to not be the same way, though I did stumble with CC debt early on.

    3. Sam Foster*

      Unless you are absolutely certain that the homes you might purchase are where you want to be for the next 5-10 years, I would suggest paying off debt and possibly refinancing the remainder of the 6.6% loan or otherwise working to accelerate its pay off.
      Trying to buy real estate with debt that is 40+% of the worth of the house seems to put you at high risk of losing the house if circumstances change.

    4. Colleen*

      Have you looked at refinancing those loans? I had $25k of grad student debt left at something like 6.6% and refinanced 2 years ago to 3.5% through SoFi. I kept my monthly payment the same and paid it off earlier.

      Not sure what today’s market looks like for interest but >5% seems high.

      1. housing crisis*

        Yeah, I looked at doing SoFi recently, but it is just 5.5% over 10 years. Not worth the hassle, in my opinion.

    5. Thlayli*

      I think it depends on the cost of rent versus mortgage payments also. If mortgage payments would be significantly cheaper than rent it makes sense to try to get the mortgage ASAP and then pay off the loans with the extra money from lower housing payments. But if mortgage payments would be as much or more than rental payments I think it makes sense to pay off the high interest student loans ASAP and put off the house buying/electric car buying for a while.

      (Also bear in mind electric cars are still new and expensive but it’s very likely you will have one at some point in your life, so getting into the massive debt of a mortgage just for the purpose of owning an electric car is probably not a good idea – the driver for getting a mortgage should be to reduce your housing payments over the long term and that’s more about rent – v – mortgage payments and mortgage interest rates -v- loan interest rates.

      Also upwards of 6% seems really high for a debt nowadays. Could you borrow at a lower rate to pay the high-interest loan off in full now?

      1. Thlayli*

        Having read the other responses I am now leaning towards buying a house since rent and house prices are going up fast in your area – and you could always rent out or air b&b your spare bedroom for a few years to pay down your loans.

        But then again this is what a lot of people did in the last boom and when the crash came they lost the lot. So personally I would feel safer getting rid of debt than buying a house. It’s a tough one – if the boom continues the best thing to do is buy now. If the boom ends and we have another crash the best thing to do is pay down loans. Since I don’t have a crystal ball I don’t know.

        1. housing crisis*

          I don’t plan on renting out the spare bedroom. My best bet if I did that would be to rent it out Aug – May to catch college students but I need it available Aug – Nov. Not sure how many students would be interested in a Jan – May lease.

          It is tough… in general I think we’re due for some sort of bust, but I haven’t seen any indications of it yet. At least not in my local area. I’m really hoping only housing prices collapse. Last recession we had a lot of economic damage, but not much change in home prices. The economic damage was due to the collapse of a major industry that was already dying though, so we are more diversified now.

  95. Incantanto*

    New Tamora Pierce book arrived. That was my weekend. So gooood. Probably should have read it more slowly. Oops.

    2. Simone R*

      The one about Numair? I’ve been on the fence about reading it because I don’t remember much of the immortals series-is it still worth it?

      1. Incantanto*

        Its good! Tbh as long as you remember him and orzone the emperor not much else is needed.
        Its not the most exciting in that its obviously a plot set up for further books but its a really interesting look at learning to be a mage and how the characters intertwine, and a naive young boy slowly realising the issues with his culture. More along the lines of the first alanna books than anything else.

  96. BRR*

    Does anybody have any cheap solutions to the exorbitant price of vanilla? I’ve thought about making my own but I feel like I’m a little lazy for that to happen.

    1. Lady Jay*

      Mexican vanilla is usually cheaper (and very delicious). Look in the Hispanic section of your grocery store.

      1. Anono-me*

        Actually lots of spices in the Hispanic section are less expensive and most are labeled in both Spanish and English.

      2. neverjaunty*

        I prefer Mexican vanilla over the “fancier” varieties – the flavor’s just cleaner and brighter.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m currently making my own but it’s not ready yet. I just filled a pint jar with vodka, threw in some split beans and stuck it in the cabinet. I shake it up every week or so. It’s been almost three months.

      Another vote for trader Joe’s. Aldi too.

      1. Peggy*

        That was life changing for me. I only use it in baking and now I don’t feel bad about buying the cheap stuff!

    5. LAI*

      I only buy mine at Costco. Not only the price, but I bake a lot so the size bottles they sell at regular stores would last me like a few weeks.

  97. Casuan*

    :::when your day is meh then you remember there is Nutella in your cupboard & suddenly you feel better:::

    What little thing has happened this week that made you feel better?

    1. Jules the First*

      While staring into the refrigerator at breakfast yesterday, I realised that there was not just bread but also bacon, which meant I had all the fixings for the world’s awesomest breakfast sandwich – bacon, egg, and peanut butter. Bliss on a plate…

    2. Salt Water*

      Moved a month ago and in the last day or two, those things I haven’t been able to find are showing up

    4. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I took a bath together in our nice big tub…but that isn’t the part that made me feel better. We used a bath bomb that happened to have a ton of glitter in it, and he used his towel to wipe it up after. The next day he used the same towel to dry himself off after showering, depositing ALL the glitter on himself. It alway cheers me up to see Mr. Sparkles make an appearance.

  98. Cameo Noob*

    So I’ve had the cameo silhouette since a bit before my birthday (Aug) and I haven’t done too much with it. I’m really tempted by the “Hot Mess” designs im seeing in the FB groups but I’ve never cut vinyl and I don’t have transfer paper and I’m just nervous about trying new things. I will probably attempt it this week or next, I was kinda hoping to do it this weekend but I ended up spending 4 hours cleaning my home office instead. Any Cameo buffs out there that have advice/suggestions for this newbie?

    1. Amadeo*

      No Cameo specific advice, but speaking from the experience I have working with vinyl on a much larger machine: don’t be in too big of a hurry to make a complicated design with your vinyl. You still have to weed that mess, and if your details are too fine or your design very busy you’ll be thinking ‘hot mess’ by the end of it!

      You’re going to waste a little bit of vinyl even once you’ve gotten some experience, so don’t be afraid of that, it’s going to happen anyway. Take your time, make sure you’ve got a good light source and have fun with it.

      1. Cameo Noob*

        Thanks!! I have to admit I’m not a fan of waste so that’s probably one of the reasons I’m hesitant. I am tempted by the complicated designs, but I really ought to figure out simply how to cut vinyl first!

  99. Someone else*

    For those of you who’ve hired a cleaner/cleaning service to help at times when you’re just too busy/worn out/whatever to clean the house. How do you deal with clutter? All the times I’ve felt on the borderline of “eff it, I’m going to pay someone to do this” I’ve ended up not because I realize a lot of what gets out of hand in my house when I fall behind is more clutter than actual dirtiness. I’ve always been under the impression you have to declutter before cleaners come so they can actually clean. But if I had the time/energy/whatever to deal with the clutter, the actual cleaning part would be a breeze…so I’m feeling sort of stuck. I always see posts on the open threads here from people saying what a relief it was (or some other positive) when they finally just decided it was worth it to pay someone to come clean. I want that relief. How did you actually do it?

    1. fposte*

      I split the difference. I pick some stuff up and I have no-go areas where I toss stuff before they come; stuff on coffee tables gets tossed into a basket or piled. For me it’s more about floors, kitchens, and bathrooms than dusting anyway.

    2. ronda*

      i have a lot of clutter and cleaners. they clean and kind of stack the clutter.
      I dont ask them to or want them to move the clutter, cause they don’t know what to do with it. (I dont seem to know what to do with it either)

      talk to the cleaner about what you want.

      I suggested to my brother that he have a cleaner put all the clutter in a basket for that room then he can deal with the clutter later (or never). Maybe that would work for you?

    3. blaise zamboni*

      So, I’ve never personally hired a cleaner, but…it sounds like what you need is really a professional home organizer, to set up a system for your clutter and/or to help with routine upkeep. It can be a bit of an investment upfront but for people who tend to accumulate “stuff” it can be pretty life-changing.

      I only have experience with one organizer (my mom, haha), so maybe this isn’t universal, but she tends to see people with normal levels of messiness who, for whatever reason (too busy, physical/mental health problems, etc), get overwhelmed by it. Some of her clients get a system in place and never need her again, some of them have standing appointments with her every 1-4 weeks, but all of them seem happy to be able to focus on what matters in their lives instead of decluttering constantly. It might be worth looking into! She was listed on HomeAdvisor for a long time–you would probably also have luck with Angie’s List.

    4. cleaning and organizing*

      Well, I use the cleaner as that extra incentive to put things away. I do my best in between but there’s always those little (and not so little) things that need an extra incentive to be put away. I try hard to not just shove things in closets but sometimes that happens.

    5. Colleen*

      We generally declutter the night before, but when we don’t, the cleaners pile all our clutter in one pile in each room, then clean.

      then we get home and pick up each pile and take care of it.

      Decluttering in advance makes things smoother but you can totally say f-it and the house still looks good.

    6. Thlayli*

      Not done it myself but it seems like most cleaners charge by the hour. So could you arrange for them to come for say 3 hours and work with you OJ decluttering rather than cleaning? Obviously explain on the phone and be clear about if there is any heavy lifting.

  100. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m late to the party, so I may not get any responses, but has anyone found a dangling cat toy that doesn’t break within hours or days of buying it? I just bought one of those long sticks with a feather and fake mouse on the end of it. Two of my five cats LOVE it. They have been bugging me constantly to play with them, and when I ignore them, one of them picks it up and carries it around like a little hobo with a bindle. However, the rod snapped within days of buying it. The cats weren’t especially rough with it–they used it exactly how it is supposed to be used, for chasing and dragging. It seems like there isn’t a cat toy out there that can survive my Jasper.

    2. Cruciatus*

      It’s not feathers or a mouse, but I bought a Cat Charmer (I think it’s called). It’s a stick with a long piece of fabric at the end. Sounds like my cats aren’t quite as playful as yours, but it seems to be holding up pretty well. It all feels pretty sturdy. My friend has one and her cats carry it around and are constantly begging to play with it and it’s still in good condition.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yes, that is the best cat toy (apart from empty cardboard boxes). All of our cats have loved that toy. We call it “colored rope.”

    4. Oxford Coma*

      We gave up and made our own with string and a dowel from Lowe’s, plus feathers from the craft store. Cats shouldn’t have access to any string-like toys unsupervised, though.

  101. lily*

    Does America have a narcissism epidemic? I’ve been seeing a rise in awareness of narcissism on YouTube. A lot of the videos are good. They explain a lot about narcissism and I think it’s true from my personal experiences. Anyone hear about overt and covert narcissist, flying monkeys, triangulation, hoovering, love bombing, devaluation, discard, grand finale, etc…? Seems that both my parents are heavily narcissistic and many people I’ve met living in Southern California.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      You might find it helpful to check out the Out of the Fog website and /r/raisedbynarcissists.

      I don’t live in America, but I think if you’ve been raised by parents who fit these behaviours it can be tempting to sort of armchair diagnose everyone around you. You can’t really tell unless you know someone really well.

    2. Thlayli*

      If everything I read online is true then America is a dystopian dysfunctional society on the brink of civil war. Children are being slaughtered on a weekly basis, boys are being taught to hurt girls with impunity and cops are murdering people left right and centre. There’s no concept of family love or any sort of justice or equality and lgbtqia+ people are outcasts with no place to turn. Nazis roam the streets killing people. POC are afraid to leave their homes. Gang violence and drugs are killing children constantly. Everyone is dirt poor except 1% of the population who are eating cake and bathing in asses milk.

      However when I actually go visit America it doesn’t seem that bad in real life. So I think you have to take online stuff with a pinch of salt. In reality all these things are true for individual people and communities … but they are not reflective of the day to day life of the majority of the population.

      Technically “epidemic” has an actual meaning – it means an increase in the number of cases. The internet has a way of bringing similar people together. So if a lot of the people raised by narcissists in America all join one group within a short space of time they can make it seem like it’s an epidemic – but it is more likely that these problems have always existed in a tiny percentage of the populations and there is just a rise in awareness now, and connection between affected individuals. (Which are both good things). I also agree with pp that if you are affected by something you are more likely to armchair diagnose it around you, when that’s not necessarily true.

      So short answer no I don’t think it’s an epidemic. But there’s no way to tell for sure unless you could find out how many people were narcissists in previous generations and how many are narcissists now and if there has been an increase.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        As a US citizen, I thank you for this, Thlayli.

        OP, remember good news stories do not sell toothpaste and the news media has to have revenue. If people are not watching the news, the prices for ad space will drop and so will the media’s income. The news media thinks it has to have drama and upset in order to get people engaged.

        I think it is the little boy who cried wolf syndrome. I think that more and more people are turning off the news and in effort to get people back the stories are just getting replayed at a much higher clip.

        It’s interesting to watch, you can notice a lot of things. Over the years I noticed whenever Charlie Manson was up for parole the media would have to revisit the murders. I notice recently that we heard every day about the parents who abused 13 offspring for decades. Now I have to google to find more information because it’s no longer in the headlines. We have moved to the next problem. I have also noticed that crime victims are now requesting privacy from the media more than they used to. Forty years ago, I can’t remember anyone asking the media for privacy. Overall there is a pattern of hopping from one crisis to another and magnifying it to the nth degree. So yeah it looks like we are a hot mess on the surface. Good people aren’t news. And finding solutions does not make a good news story either.

        Looking specifically a the discussion of narcissism, the States have a long history of sweeping issues under the rug*. Well the kids that had their concerns swept under the rug are now adults. The adults are now “in charge” of our society. They have decided it’s time to drag these problems out into the light of day and deal. This a good thing. And I would like to note that every generation has their own version of this, where they deal with abuses that the previous generation did not. It’s progress.

        * I remember as a kid reading in Ann Landers or Dear Abby about “funny uncles”. You were supposed to stay away from funny uncles but if the funny uncle got you then get over it. We now call them what they are: pedophiles. And we put them in jail where they belong. And we get the child some help. This is a massive, massive step in progress. We still have a ways to go on this, though. I read recently that certain types of brain cancer triggers pedophile behaviors. I hope more research is done there.

        Some of the things that you see in the news were always there. We just never talked about them. I read an article about “what is right with the US”. And the author pointed out that we put our problems right in the store front window for everyone and their brother to look at. We are good at examining ourselves. A problem reaches a boiling point and it’s all over the headlines.
        Just from my own life experience, it’s the problems we do not talk about that are the most concerning.
        I had a teacher once say, “Don’t worry about a country that talks about their problems. Worry about countries that are not allowed to speak of their problems.” This comment was made decades ago, so the teacher referenced the Nazis in Germany as an example of what is worrisome behavior. I have held on to this thought as it seems to make sense.

  102. Anita-ita*

    I’m late! Hopefully someone sees this :) Anyone traveled around Colombia? A friend and I are looking to make a short trip down there, excluding travel time 4 free days. I’ve looked into Bogota, Medellín, Cartagena, and Barranquilla. All look wonderful and so different! I speak Spanish well so less touristy locations where English isn’t common won’t be an issue. Looking for cool vibes, salsa dancing, great food, and beautiful landscapes.

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