weekend free-for-all – March 10-11, 2018

by Alison Green on March 10, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House, by Cheryl Mendelson. This is everything you need to know about having an adult home, from how to fold a fitted sheet so that it doesn’t look like gnomes live inside it, to how to wash dishes so they’re actually clean, to where you should and shouldn’t compromise on cleanliness. This is all the stuff that possibly used to get passed down generationally but no longer does, and so many of us don’t know it, but now we will.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. CatCat*

    I often wake up with neck and shoulder/upper back pain. I’ve found some good exercises to help alleviate that pain, but I’d much rather prevent it!

    I’ve tried a couple different pillows. My current one worked well for a while (it’s like a foam all around with a dent in the middle), but the pillow has not lasted that long and is kind of worn/collapsing where my neck rests. I’ve had the pillow for about 1.5 years (is this normal? I feel like it should have lasted longer, but maybe I’m off base.)

    I’m a tosser and turner in my sleep and I both sleep on my side and my back. Does anyone have recommendations for a pillow that will last longer and help someone like me? (Or any other suggestions for preventing the neck/shoulder pain!)

    1. fposte*

      Sounds like it was a pretty crappy pillow–1.5 years is not normal. If you liked that pillow, you might look through Amazon for others like it or in your sleeper category that get reviewed really well. Latex is less likely to squish over time, but it’s a taste call; I like it in mattresses but not in head pillows, go figure.

      I will throw in the possibility that neck *stretches* might also be a good thing–if your scalenes and/or levator scapulae get tight, they can pull on a shoulder. Have look for stretches with the names of those muscles and see what you think.

    2. Bluebell*

      I’m a side sleeper too and have been using the “sleep for success ” pillow for about a year. It works for me but isn’t exceptionally firm.

    3. Gala apple*

      If you want to change your life, look up Katy Bowman and her work on this. She advocates for a gradual shift to pillow free.

      1. C*

        I have crazy neural tension issues, and when they get really bad, sleeping on my back, with no pillow, is what re-aligns me best. When it gets REALLY bad, a couple of days on the floor helps as well. Also: yoga. Good luck!

    4. Betsy*

      No answers, but my sympathies! I find that the only thing that helps me is getting the right amount of sleep (I often wake up stiff if too much or too little) and regular exercise. Doing almost any exercise on a regular basis seems to cut down the neck and shoulder pain a lot.

    5. Travelling Circus*

      I’ve been having exact same issues for years now. I’ve tried…probably close to ten different pillows to try to alleviate neck/shoulder/upper back pain. My most recent pillow is a talalay latex pillow from Costco, and it’s been the best one so far. I have a lot less soreness and pain now. I hadn’t tried it earlier because I have a latex allergy, but because I don’t actually touch the latex it’s been fine. Maybe give something like a try? (My husband and I switched mattresses to a latex one, too, which has also helped because the latex mattress offers more support).

      You have my sympathies! I’ve been dealing with this for years, and it sucks. I hope you find something that works for you!

    6. Gingerblue*

      A year and a half is definitely not a normal pillow lifespan. I like either a chopped latex foam pillow or a feather pillow, depending on what mattress I’m using and how firm it is, but the bigger factor for me in comfortable sleeping seems to be exercising and stretching regularly. People have mentioned neck stretches, but I also find that shoulder, back, hip, side, and chest muscles can be tight enough to muck up how I’m holding myself in bed and how comfortable my neck can get.

      (On chopped foam pillows: they make some so that you can open them and remove foam or add it t get the right thickness for you.)

    7. CheeryO*

      +1 on the latex pillow recommendation. Nice and soft, while still having enough support for side sleeping, and they don’t break down over time at all. I got mine on Amazon a few years ago and still love it.

    8. Old Biddy*

      If your local mattress place sells pillows, they might be helpful – you can try the pillows out on a mattress similar to yours. We recently bought a new mattress and the salesperson fitted us for pillows based on how we slept/body size/etc. She had us use the sample pillows as we tried the mattresses. It did make it easier to see which mattresses worked for us. They were running a promotion that weekend so we got the pillows for free.

    9. deesse877*

      I always thought that the way to fix this was cradling and support, but ultimately what worked for me was (a) a flatter, firmer feather pillow, and (b) making sure to actually make the bed, since when I just roll in and out sloppily I tend to use less and less of the bed surface over time, and wake up tense.

    10. Star Nursery*

      I tried googling “pillows for neck support” to see if I could find the specific pillow I use. I did buy and return several that didn’t work work. I’ve had this pillow longer than 5 years and it has a contour shape so that it supports my neck and dips fitting my head lower in the middle.

      Years ago I had gone to a chiropractor for neck pain issues and he suggested rolling a small hand towel to place below my neck and then my head flat on the bed. I don’t have any good suggestions for side sleeping though.

      1. Enough*

        This is what mine suggested but not for sleeping. Just lay on the floor. It was to help keep the neck at the right alignment/curve. I found doing this as I sat watching tv worked also.

    11. Slartibartfast*

      I had a microbead neck roll pillow that was awesome, used in conjunction with a regular pillow on my side or by itself ob my back. It had a stretchy, almost spandey or swimsuit material as its casing. Alas, it split a seam and the microbeads went everywhere (1 mm styrofoam looking things). I haven’t found another pillow like it and currently use a latex foam block that has a little curve cut out of one side that’s kinda nice when I am on my side. It’s OK, but not as good as the neck roll was.

    12. Windchime*

      I usually use a Tempuroedic pillow but it can sometimes feel too firm. When my neck starts giving me trouble, I sleep on my back with only a rolled-up towel under my neck. A couple of nights sleeping like this usually sets my neck right.

    13. Bad Candidate*

      I also have neck issues. I use a Chiro Flow water pillow. It’s awesome. Best pillow I’ve ever had and my neck issues have definitely improved. chiroflow.com

    14. Faintlymacabre*

      I used to wake up with shoulder pain and found that a buckwheat pillow really helped me. I change out the hulls every year or so, it’s about 25 bucks. Not cheap, but not ruinous, either.

      1. Zennish*

        Definitely second the buckwheat pillow. That, and a firmer mattress made a world of difference for me.

    15. rubyrose*

      I’m primarily a back sleeper, with some on the side. Since I got my Purple pillow I’m sleeping so much better because I’m not constantly waking up adjusting the pillow.

    16. WideAwake*

      Curious how long people keep pillows? I can NOT find one I like. I’ve tried everything from expensive ($60) to super cheap. The most comfortable so far is a soft, fairly flat $6 side sleeper from Wal Mart. Have to replace it every 3-4 months tho, because it flattens too much.

    17. YouShallNotPass*

      I have back pain and a heated mattress pad worked wonders for me. It relaxes all my muscles as I sleep so I wake up less stiff than normal.

    18. only acting normal*

      I’ve been indulging my latent stationery addiction with Peachy Packages. Each package has a box of herbal tea, a fancy chocolate bar, some stationery and some other bits like a trinket dish or fairy lights or a pretty umbrella. All very nommy/pretty stuff.
      (Might be UK only though, not sure).

      1. only acting normal*

        Hmmm not sure why that posted here. Sorry meant for the subscription boxes thread!

    19. LBG*

      I use a memory foam pillow that is contoured for neck support. It is less than a year old but seems to be holding up well. I do find that I scrunch it up to get a bit more height, which will probably shorten the life. It was about $25 on Amazon, iirc. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with horrible headaches, but this pillow has really resolved that. I also have lower back issues and use a body pillow for additional support. Good luck finding what works for you!

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        I also use a memory foam pillow, and as a side sleeper, I find it a bit too short. I just put an old (rather flat) regular pillow underneath.

    20. TardyTardis*

      Change the height of your chair for two days a week. I ran into shoulder and neck pain due to repetitive activities at work, and if I change the height of my chair for two days a week, I use slightly different muscles and it gets spread out more so that one part in itself isn’t that bad. Also, hot baths every night where I lean back and soak as deeply as I can and still breathe works out well, too.

  2. Come On Eileen*

    Tell me about your favorite subscription box. I’ve tried several – Stitch Fix, ipsy, Mystery Experiences, Birchbox, etc – and would like to hear what you are loving right now.

    1. Nicole76*

      I was subscribed to ipsy and Birchbox for about a year. It was fun getting new surprises monthly. I particularly liked all the pouches from ipsy (I loooove storage pouches). I unsubscribed when my husband was unemployed and didn’t resubscribe once he found employment because I noticed I just don’t go through the products quick enough and am still using some!

      I am still subscribed to Walmart’s quarterly beauty box, however, because I always like pretty much everything that comes in the box and it’s only $20 for the year.

      I also subscribe to Love With Food because I have discovered some great healthy snacks from them, plus they donate money to feed the hungry with every box so it feels like I’m also contributing to the greater good at the same time.

      How did you like Stitch Fix? I’ve seen a lot of YouTubers show their boxes but I think they are little pricey for someone like me who prefers to shop for clothes at thrift stores.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I tried Stitch Fix for three months and then cancelled. It’s not that I didn’t like what they sent–although a few things were kind of eww–it was really the fit and pricing of items. It was kind of hit or miss as to what I liked and how items fit.

        I hover between a 16 misses or XL and a women’s 1X. It all depends on the cut and fabric. I found some shirts were too big in the 1X, while the XLs were a little tight either in the arms or the bust. The jeans, though, tended to be perfect. I’m tall with a 33 inseam, and they seemed to get that right every time. Buuutttt…the jeans were typically about $80 and that’s too much for me. I can pay it, but I choose not to.

        As for whether I liked the pieces, I’d say I liked most of them. Some were just not my style and the stylist kept sending them to me even though my feedback said it was too “old” for me. I tended to not like the jewelry. Big pieces that I just didn’t like.

        If I lose another 20 pounds or so, I’d consider it again. But right now the fit is just too difficult for me. I’m at a point where I really need to go to a store in person. Although, it’s improving now that I know what I like at which stores and the right size at that store.

        If you want to see my Fixes, just click on my name and then scroll down my blog page and look for the Stitch Fix label on the right.

      2. Mrs. Fenris*

        I got a few things from Stitch Fix that I loved, but a whole bunch more that sucked. They sent me some terrific pants and scarves, but most of the shirts have been ugly and cheap. The last one I got didn’t feel personalized at all-just like they threw a bunch of unsold stuff in a box. Thanks, y’all.

    2. nep*

      Interesting timing — I only just learned last week of a local place that does monthly craft boxes — different ones for various age ranges. Might start that for the toddler we take care of, once she’s a bit older.
      I’ve never subscribed to any, but when I can afford it I’d like to try Barbella Box.

      1. Book Lover*

        Look at koala box. We did kiwi crate when my son was younger and it was always really well done.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      The only one we get in our house is Gentleman’s Box. I think they’re in a partnership with GQ. Of course, most of the goodies are for my boyfriend (every month comes with coordinating socks, tie, and pocket square, among other treasures) but I’ve come away with a scarf (he’s trying to learn how to accessorize but scarves are not for him) and a cute watch that I wore until it cracked. He wore some of the pieces at my company holiday party and my boss told him he was the best-dressed guy there. :)

    4. Cruciatus*

      Well, I actually get overwhelmed by all the schtuff! that comes in boxes so I’ve actually quit most of them. It’s not that the stuff was bad, but what do I do with 50 mascara samples and 14 eye pencils? I really don’t know why I did ipsy and Birchbox as long as I did…

      However, I did enjoy a sock of the month one my sister got me as a gift. 12 months was enough though as my drawers started to fill up. But now, a few years later they are starting to wear out so it might be worth doing another 12 months of that. Another good one is LootCrate. I did also get overwhelmed with some of the stuff in there. I liked it, but their T-shirts were all too small for me (even at the size I requested). But I received Ready Player One in a box (which is how I discovered it), Princess Bride playing cards (didn’t know I needed them until I had them), and a direwolf thumb drive (and lots of other things that were mostly neat, not always with any purpose).

    5. Bluebell*

      I’ve done Stitch Fix for over a year now. I like that it gives me options I might not have thought of. I’ve never bought all five pieces though – usually only one or two. And last year I started the Sephora box. I tend to pass on at least one or two items to my teen daughter who loves makeup. I had a coworker who was subscribed to graze and it looked good but I am fine with Trader Joe’s and cut up veggies or fruit.

      1. Nicole76*

        I had Graze for awhile but felt like I could make most of those combinations on my own for cheaper, except for those sweet sweet banana dippers. I miss those.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m waiting on my second box from Fab Fit Fun which is a quarterly box of assorted goodies with a stated value of over $200 worth of stuff for $50. I was pretty happy with my first box although I do have things I don’t use. I like surprise gifts so that’s what the box is for me, and there are some opportunities for customization and ordering extras if that’s what you like. And as a bonus they have pretty good fitness and cooking videos available for subscribers. The frequency and price is about right for me and I’m happiest if I can avoid all the spoilers. The marketing skews pretty young but the membership seems pretty varied.

      I’ve tried Stitch Fix 3 times and the only thing I love about them is their ease of returns.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Reading the other comments made me realize I’ve tried others. I subscribed to Graze and Love with Food for a couple months. They were great for encouraging us to try new things but the expense was more than I wanted to pay.

        For kids I really like Kiwi Crate. Their Tinker crate and the crafty one, both for older kids, looked really good and we subscribed for about a year. And you can buy creates individually too. It’s one of the places I look when I’m doing kid shopping and they have good Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals. Little Passports was pretty good for the age as well and we’ve also done Highlight’s spy themed thing. But for all of these my kid got bored with them before she aged out of them.

      3. Dani*

        The only box I’m currently signed up for is GeekyStitchingCo’s club box. I signed up when I first got into cross stitch because I love the ease of getting a cute little pattern once a month that only takes a couple of hours to work up. (Actually you get three patterns but they provide everything inc hoop and needle for one). Now that I’m a bit better at cross stitch the appeal is not so much the beginner level as it is the cuteness of the little patterns.

        In the past I’ve tried the bellabox (which is an Australian beauty box) and found like a lot of people who commented that although I loved some stuff, there was a lot I didn’t use. And for a supposedly ‘personally cursted’ box, I got an awful lot of stuff that did not suit my skin type or skin tone. I have also done HarvestBox (a bit like graze) on and off and I love it and would be doing it now if I hadn’t gone keto

    7. Temperance*

      My favorite is “Smartass and Sass”. It’s basically stuff that appeals to Millenial women, but I have to say that they’ve knocked it out of the park.

      I also do “Coffee and a Classic”. It’s a classic novel, in a beautiful edition, along with a treat and coffee each month.

    8. Odelie*

      I’ve tried Birchbox for years, and at first it was exciting. But then they started adding in makeup from CoastalScents and things that I don’t use/like/want, so I stopped it. I think it’s good to get if you travel a lot or buy from their site.
      I’ve also tried New Beauty Test Tube- they include 1 or 2 full size items, but it was around$40 a month! So I stopped it.

      I like trying new things, but some of these subscription boxes are either very expensive or include items that I’ll never use. I also don’t like how some of them “re-fill” your subscription automatically and charge you!

      I want to try boxes from either universal yums or snack crates- they feature candies and snacks from different countries, which would be fun to try!

      1. Lizmk*

        Someone on reddit suggested walmart’s beauty box, and I LOVE it. It tends to be stuff I’ll actually use. They do some makeup, but a lot of it is lotions, shampoo and conditioner, that kind of thing. It’s only stuff you can buy at Walmart, which means that none of it is crazy expensive if you love it. It’s $5, and comes four times a year. Love.

    9. Book Lover*

      I have been looking at parabo box but haven’t quite taken the leap yet. It looks great though. Nice gift, too.

      Same for Lillypost. Looks lovely but I have tons of books for the kids so hesitate but might be a lovely gift.

      I did do naturebox for a while and it was great but honestly can go buy snacks from store for less, so doesn’t make sense really.

    11. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I loooove my Ipsy. I don’t buy makeup anymore generally; I just use whatever I get from Ipsy till I run out. I used to collect all the stuff I didn’t want and take it to work (we had an area on the bathroom counter where people would bring their beauty samples and stuff they’d ended up with and didn’t want), but now that I’m self-employed I’ll probably let it gather a few months and take to a women’s shelter or something, where I imagine it will all find good new owners.

    12. selenejmr*

      I’ve been getting the Yum box for a few months. You get treats and snacks from a different country each month. I take the box over to my daughters for her, the grandkids and me to try. We’ve had a lot of fun trying so many new things! Some snacks were great (butter cookies from France this month), others nobody liked (candy made with tree sap which smelled/tasted like pine from Turkey).

    13. Little Paws*

      I am in love with Fab Fit Fun! I just received my box last week and OMG I love it. I had more than a few “add ons” with my box as well. I highly recommend FFF.

      I also subscribe to Boxycharm. It’s 5 -6 full sized makeup related products for $21 a month w. free shipping! Each month I’ve received a at least one brush. I’ve also received eye palettes, eyeliner, lip products, a decent variety. I love that it’s all full sized items. I’ve had ipsy and Julep in the past and cancelled both.

      I always give away what I won’t use. I have a tote bag with all my “won’t use/can’t use” items amassed from all my various boxes. Sometimes on a Friday I’ll bring it into the office and let the ladies have at it & take what they’d like!

      **Also, ladies, Dott Boxx is a really nice period subscription box. I received my first one a few weeks ago. It had plenty of pads/tamps, wipes, etc, but also lots of tea, some chocolate, granola bars, a heating pad, a candle, and a cute bracelet. Cheap, run of the mill stuff, but it’s a cute treat to receive each month! They also send you a survey so they can try to cater the box to your tastes.

      1. DesertRose*

        Bonjour Jolie is another period subscription service about which I’ve heard good things (their website is bonjourjolie dot com). The boxes are VERY easily customized. They also have options for trans men and genderfluid/genderqueer people who menstruate as well as an option for young people who just started menstruating.

        That being said, I haven’t tried their box (or any other menstrual-supply subscription service) because I’m in menopause. ;)

    14. Nerfmobile*

      I’ve been doing Gwynnie Bee for a while for clothing – it’s a slightly different model. I’m feeling a little tired of it though and have been trying out Stitch Fix and Trunk Club. Stitch Fix has gotten my style down pretty well after two boxes and even found pants that fit my challenging waist/hip ratio. Trunk Club did ok on the first pass, will see how the second one goes.

    15. Middle School Teacher*

      I used to do Ipsy but I found a lot of the stuff I liked was only available in the US so I couldn’t buy it here, which seemed a bit pointless. I did Birchbox too and liked it more.

      I also did a clothing one called frockbox where you returned whatever you didn’t keep. It was ok until they sent me a top that made me question their good sense (it was a t shirt in a horrible floral print with a lace overlay around the collar and shoulders… it looked like some grandma’s couch) and I cancelled. I like floral and I like lace, but I tried it on and thought, “Dear lord this is the couch time forgot…”

    16. Can't Sit Still*

      KitNipBox for the cats! I get the small box every other month, because the boxes are pretty much the same: wand teaser, bag of treats and 3 or 4 catnip toys. There’s a consistent flow of new toys, so they are replaced as they are destroyed, and the cats don’t get bored with the same old toys. I’ve discovered some new treats. You can also order the box without treats, and they’ll add another toy instead. The boxes are usually themed for the season or nearest holiday, so it feels curated, not just random cat toys in a box. One box had a bird theme, so all the toys were feathered or birds, and the treats were duck bites. Back to school had school bus and apple toys.

      I also really like Sock Panda, a monthly sock subscription. I keep thinking I’ll cancel after the next package, but the socks are so cute! Thanksgiving was socks covered in tiny, multi-colored turkeys, and the second pair was root vegetables (I can finally say I like parsnips – on my socks), February was pink socks with an ice cream theme, March is spring-themed with cherry blossoms and bicycles. I can’t stop!

      They are both so twee, but they really brightened up a couple of really awful years for me.

      1. Safetykats*

        Love the KitNipBox! The themes are fun, and the cats love the toys. My cats aren’t that hard on toys, so they are piling up, but my sister has a new kitten so maybe we will pass some along. They haven’t loved all the treats, but they are pretty picky.

      2. Feline*

        I haven’t tried KitNip box, but I did get MeowBox for a while. I loved that they personalized the inside of the box to my cat’s names every time. My cats are overprivileged and didn’t need quite that many treats, though.

        I also loved trying the CatLadyBox, which has things for your cat and for you. I still wear one of the necklaces I got from there pretty regularly. They work with a lot of Etsy sellers to make exclusive items, and even though I don’t subscribe any longer, I do try to check out stuff they sell from past boxes periodically, because my overpriveleged cats can never have too many unique toys.

    17. Pennalynn Lott*

      The quarterly Pusheen box! Pusheen pancake maker, Pusheen popsicle maker, Pusheen t-shirt/sweatshirt/tank top, Pusheen backpack, Pusheen head tingler, Pusheen LED USB string light (so cute! I have it strung up inside my car), Pusheen plushes, Pusheen vinyl figures, PUSHEEN EVERYTHING!! :-D

      3. fort hiss*

        I’m DYING to buy the Pusheen box once I’m back in the states, everything in it looks incredible.

    18. Torrance*

      I’m a huge fan of Skoshbox & SnackFever. They’re food boxes; Skoshbox is for Japanese candy/snacks & SnackFever has Korean snacks, ramen, and other stuff. I really enjoy getting to try new snacks & flavours. :)

    20. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve never done one, though I saw a really cool food-from-around-the-world one. Unfortunately, it was also really expensive. :( Someday, when I’m rich and famous, LOL.

    21. Natalie*

      So, it’s not your normal subscription box, but my friend and I get Hunt A Killer, which is a murder mystery in a subscription box. Technically you get stuff, but it’s clues rather than products.

      I don’t think I would like it as much by myself, but my friend and I have really enjoyed working on the mystery. And as we are busier and busier it’s an excellent way to make sure we get together regularly.

    22. Jane of all trades*

      I used to do Birchbox and loved it – I found a lot of brands that I enjoy through the box. I also travelled a fair amount so I would use all their little samples when traveling, and I think I probably saved money because I like to shop for something frivolous every so often and Birchbox used to fulfill that for like $10 a month.
      I stopped due to 2 concerns: I don’t think there is an option to only get cruelty free products, and I don’t want to continue being complicit in animal testing for my makeup. Also, I had concerns about generating useless packaging waste every month (trying to be more green has its costs :/ )
      BTW – if anybody is interested in exploring more cruelty free products, a lot of great brands are cruelty free. You can google that, or look at the back of the product for the label or an indication that the product wasn’t tested on animals. Sephora, Whole Foods, Ulta have a bunch of cool, cruelty free brands.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I am also trying to stick with cruelty free products! But I’m cheap, so I usually stick with E.L.F. or Wet’n’Wild. I want to try some more upscale cruelty free brands from Ulta though–any favorites?

        1. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

          I use Urban Decay and they state that they are cruelty-free. Dunno if they’re considered ‘upscale’, but I really love their eye products.

        2. AnonEMoose*

          Seconding Urban Decay. Their eyeshadow primer is the best. Also the All Nighter makeup setting spray. With that stuff, my makeup has stayed put in some very hot, humid conditions, without it feeling like I’m wearing a mask.

        3. Jane of all Trades*

          Hope I’m not too late – here are a couple of favorites: for hair care I loooove oribe. It’s ridiculously expensive but if you’re wanting to splurge, especially their dry texturizing spray is great and smells fantastic. MoroccanOil is also cruelty free and one of those products you can get in any store really. A couple other shampoos are Giovanni and Wen. For makeup I really like Tarte and Kat Von D, both have great products. Bareminerals and Urban decay are also great and cruelty free. Not at ulta, but also cruelty free – the bodyshop and Lush. And as for more affordable brands, ELF is also cruelty free. When in doubt you can check on the back of the product for the image of a little bunny, which indicates certified cruelty free. I’ve also found some sales consultants to be very helpful and knowledgeable resources. Happy shopping!!

    23. Lurkersbelurkin*

      Real pet food has monthly dog treats for my dog. It’s all unprocessed and handmade treats without all the crap that big manufacturers put in it. Sometimes the contents gross me out as a human, but doggie LOVES them. Things like rabbit ears I mean.

      I subscribed to birchbox for a year, but like someone else said, it’s hard to get through all the products in a timely way. And then I just ended up donating them when toiletries ended up being needed due to a natural disaster not far from me.

    24. anon24*

      I do the mighty fix from mighty nest. It’s $10 a month and you get a “green” household item worth more. Some stuff I use all the time and others I don’t ever, but it’s a fun surprise every month. I’ve gotten wool dryer balls, glass storage containers, facial lotion, cleaners, bamboo utensils, a silicon sandwich bag, stainless steel drinking straws, a dish brush etc.

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        I got my sister in law this for Christmas and she seems to like it. I almost got a subscription for myself too- they have so many things in their site that I want to try incorporating in my life.

    25. BetsCounts*

      I’m using Gwynnie Bee, which is sort of like Netflix for clothes (back when Netflix actually mailed DVDs) and am super pleased with it. I also subscribe to Sephora, which is pretty cute and only $10!

      1. JewelryLover*

        I do Bijoux Box – for around $30 a quarter. If you love jewelry, it’s a good box. I find I rehome a lot because it’s gold tone though – I’m a silver kind of girl.

    26. Trixie*

      Beautyfix from Dermstore, I think $25/mo with subscription. Predominantly skin care products. Every month at least one full size produce and other deluxe sample sizes. Serums, toner, sheet mask, etc. Found it through Youtube channel I follow and thoroughly enjoying it.

      1. work in skincare*

        This is the one I would recommend for anyone wanting to try good skincare affordably. I get so much free product that I can’t justify spending anything on more, but I subscribed for a while because I love skincare and trying new things, and I think this one consistently has the best quality and value for money.

    27. Peggy*

      I was an early adopter of both Birchbox and Ipsy many years ago. I cancelled Birchbox when I realized how frustrated I was with having a lot of tiny samples of things that I liked – I’d use them, enjoy them, consider buying the full size version of some, but then I’d have all these other tiny samples to use up. So I never ended up actually buying the products I liked, and I didn’t like switching up my routine on a weekly basis when the samples would run out. I had Ipsy for a really long time but they sent me blue nail polish like 6 months in a row and I hate blue nail polish. I’d put it in every feedback channel, send emails, mark it as “hate this product, hate this color” on all my surveys, and every single month… I also found they sent a lot more “young” items that I wasn’t using – like bright green eyeliner and things I can’t pull off.

      I’ve done Glossybox (enjoyed but was a little too fancy for me), Allure (both the monthly box which was great for a long time but I kept getting broken items and their customer service wasn’t helping, and the huge tri-annual box which was full of more drug-store items and less specialty high end items but I always loved the deal for how much you’d get), Bijou Box (loved the style of jewelry but the clasps always broke), PopSugar (loved it, still love it, just don’t have budget for it anymore), and a few others I can’t remember.

      I’ve done one month or three month trials of Graze, that Love Food one I can’t remember the name of, a coffee sub that isn’t around anymore, a few jewelry/lifestyle subs that aren’t around anymore, a spice blend one that I didn’t care for.

      The only one I get now is Boxycharm which I think is the best value and best product choices of any box I’ve ever tried. But I’ve been a subscriber for years and I am amassing a stockpile of eye shadow and brushes that I’ll never ever ever use so I’m considering canceling that one too and looking for a skin care one. It’s really the only product I get super excited about now – expensive skincare surprises in my mailbox for a deep discounted subscription I think is where I’m at right now.

      I’ve never done a clothing one before because I used to be very, very overweight (size 24). Now I’m just regular overweight, a size 14, but I have enough clothing that I don’t really need a monthly delivery.

      We’ve also tried a lot of the cooking ones – Blue Apron (we found the recipes to be appealing on paper and kind of meh once cooked), Home Fresh (ironically never fresh when it arrived to us and poor customer service dealing with rotten food issues like “sorry you couldn’t make the meal we sent you because of rotten produce, here’s a discount for your next order for the value of the rotten mango and cilantro which we value at $2.30.”) Sun Basket was fine but had delivery issues. We tried a low carb one and realized it wasn’t cheaper than just going and buying steak and veggies, and it wasn’t creative enough to justify the cost of getting it shipped. We love Plated though – home runs almost every time, great customer service (if something has gone bad they will give you a free box or a free meal in your next box!), our type of recipes, stuff we end up making over and over again. We get it when we’ve been eating out too much and want to get back on track with cooking – every couple of months we’ll do it for a week or two then we’ll get inspired to come up with our own recipes and be back in the swing of cooking every night. It’s cheaper and healthier than eating out, but more expensive and not as healthy as how we cook when we’re “on track.”

      As I type this, I realize how much I enjoy getting “presents” in the mail. I miss the excitement of these boxes! For the record, have never gotten more than 1-3 subs at the same time so it’s not like I had a $1000/month budget for all these, haha!

    28. Half-Caf Latte*

      Thredup has a stitch fix- esque box. You can pick a theme, I think like office, casual, or dressy? And then it’s 10-15 pieces.

      I loved it, got a few great things, and felt it was less $$ than stitch fix would have been.

      Planning on doing it again soon to build my work wardrobe.

      1. Arjay*

        Thredup emailed me about the subscription box, so I went to check it out only to learn they aren’t supporting plus size boxes at this time. Then they sent me a follow up email reminding me that I hadn’t signed up. I happily provided feedback on that one.

    29. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I’m enjoying My Treat’s underwear box, though I was a bit nonplussed when the first one came with a face mask and a magazine as well – there was a reason I didn’t get the combined underwear and beauty box and that reason is I don’t use beauty products.

    30. fort hiss*

      I use Pipsticks to get stickers for my students! They always send me a delightful collection, from cute artsy stickers to classics like scratch and sniff style. Love them. They’re very communicative and helpful too.

      The only other box I’ve ever subscribed to consistently is graze. Graze are way better than other snack boxes in my opinion. I’ve tried some of the others and they’re good, but graze is KILLER. It’s more readily available in the UK but they do have a US arm!

    31. Teach*

      I love Ipsy – cheap, but they send stuff I love. I have it set for my age and preferences but share with my teenaged daughter. She goes through A LOT of black eyeliner and mascara, so it all gets used.
      Loot Crate was fun – my son would love to get that one again.
      Plum Deluxe Tea has been a very successful gift at least twice now.
      This is a dangerous thread!

    32. Arjay*

      I did ipsy for a while, but ended up with way too many tiny mascaras and eyeshadow brushes. I quit a couple months ago and just recently went through all the products to sort out what I might actually use from some of the other stuff.
      I love Gwynnie Bee and they just expanded into straight sizes so they’re now inclusive of size 0 – 32.
      I have mixed feelings about my Splendies underwear subscription. Three pairs a month, you can specify if you do/do not want thongs, for about $17. The fit has been kind of all over the place for me. Some of them are soooo soft, but also have a tendency to fall off! The thing that’s keeping me enrolled now is that they do such cute holiday themes. I loved Halloween and Valentine’s Day. I hope to get some shamrocks for March.

    33. Skunklet*

      No one has mentioned TARGET’S box? It’s similar to the Walmart/Birchbox/Ipsy beauty thing, but it’s $7, not $10, and it includes a $3 off coupon (off your $15 beauty purchase) so it really practically pays for itself! The downside? It’s not technically a subscription box, you have to go on their website monthly to get the box, and it usually sells out quick. Otherwise, it’s similar to Walmart in that most of the items are practical and you’ll use them too.

  3. Laura H*

    Hope y’all have a good weekend.

    And (as applicable in most of the States) remember to put the clocks forward an hour so you’re not late. (I’m Not fond of the time changes but yay for the phones and computers that do it kinda automatically.)

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I despise the whole concept of “changing” the time by an hour twice a year, but at least I seem to have fewer and fewer clocks that actually require changing every year. Right now I think it’s just our old 2006 Honda’s clock radio, our stove clock, and my old alarm clock, which was hard programmed for the old time change before 2007.

      1. fposte*

        My problem is a supply of digital items with one-button time changes, because it often turns out that somehow I’d set them up in DST and the one button toggles them an hour back. Other than that I don’t really mind it.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I have three clocks that will need changing–big wall clock in the living room, small wall clock in the bathroom, smaller wall clock in the kitchen. The rest are digital. The alarm in my bedroom updates itself, and my travel clock is keyed to the atomic clock so it also does itself.

        OH WAIT MY WATCH. And the one I always forget—the one in the car!

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I actually have an analog watch, but the battery is dead because I’ve been wearing my Android smart watch for a few years now.

      5. DesertRose*

        I think I lucked out in that my car has about the world’s easiest car clock as far as time changes go. The clock itself is slightly to the left (driver’s side) of the middle of the dashboard, and above the display, there are three buttons, helpfully labeled H, M, and Reset. Press the H button to change the hour, M to change the minute, and Reset to start from 12:00. But the buttons are located under a slight “lip” of dashboard so it would be really difficult to hit them accidentally.

        The car is a 2002 Mazda Millennia P (which was the last model year for that particular model); I don’t know why more cars/car manufacturers don’t adopt that design.

        1. DesertRose*

          The car clock and my wristwatch are the only clocks I have that require me to change them at all, and I don’t bother with the watch since I don’t wear it that often and the battery is dead.

          That being said, time changes are a royal pain in the backside. Can we please just pick one and stay there year-round?!

    2. Sapphire (formerly EnobyPro)*

      Every year when Daylight Saving Time happens, I have to wonder why on Earth it’s still a thing when it doesn’t actually give you more sunlight. That’s not how the Sun works.

      2. blackcat*

        I wondered until I moved to Boston. Either move us over an f-ing time zone, or keep daylight savings. I do not want the sun to rise at 4am in June. 5am is early enough.

        (Personally, I’d vote for changing the time zone. It would also help with the “What a lovely sunse–wait, it’s 3:45 in the afternoon!” moments in December.)

      3. Former Employee*

        It’s also confusing because Arizona, Hawaii and I believe that part(s) of Indiana don’t change their clocks – they have opted out.

        Back when I dealt with people in AZ and HI, I always had to stop and think about the time difference.

        1. Another person*

          Indiana changes now! They used to not (except the part of Indiana that was in Central time zone, because Indiana is in two zones) which made it extra confusing for the people I knew who lived in one time zone and worked in another.

      4. Oxford Coma*

        It’s stupid and dangerous, according to several studies. I wish it would be federally removed so everything would stay consistent in the U.S.

    3. Nicole76*

      I enjoy the sunlight later in the day but otherwise I’m not looking forward to losing an hour this weekend. I wish they would just leave the time alone.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        I’m so with you. I’m not a morning person, so having it feel like I’m trying to go to sleep an hour early and get up an hour early is truly miserable until I adjust.

    5. OperaArt*

      Eleven for me. Bedroom, bathroom, other bathroom, thermostat, oven range, microwave, answering machine, dining room, living room, car, sprinkler system. And probably something I’m forgetting.

    6. Lady Jay*

      I’m always the odd one out: I’d prefer to have more sun earlier in the day than later in the day and would be thrilled having standard time year-round. 9.00 PM is simply too late for there to still be broad daylight outside in the summertime! I like the peacefulness and quiet of night and would have more of it if possible.

      That said, I sympathize with those people whose sun is rising at 4.00 am. What a wake-up call.

      1. Laura H*

        I’m with you on the standard year round camp- this change to DST is the one I do not like (which is also why I’m going to Mass tonight- because I work tomorrow and uh really don’t wanna deal with an earlier thing on an already weird day.)

      2. Sherm*

        I’m also with you. It makes a little more sense to have standard time, since it means the sun is halfway through at noon. But I could live with permanent DST. It doesn’t actually save electricity, but I could do away with the increased risk of heart attacks, strokes, and auto accidents that the time changes cause.

      3. Parenthetically*

        My folks are on the far eastern edge of their time zone and they LOVE the spring forward, otherwise it would be broad daylight before 5 in high summer. We’re on the far western edge of our time zone and… you know what? I still love it. It’s the signal of the end of my seasonal depression and the coming of warmth and all sorts of nice springy summery things that I adore. I get why people hate it, but I love it.

    7. Dawbs*

      There were states (Indiana) that claimed dst was too hard on the cows as their excuse for not doing it…I eye rolled about that.

      until I was pumping/nursing. Bodies do NOT like this stupidity, and convincing baby AND my body that milk should come an hour different was incredibly problematic and contributed to mastis, and the next time change I moved 15 minutes a day for 4 days instead.

      Can we just get rid of it? It’s heck on the time clock and overtime for 24 hour services too

    8. Temperance*

      The only fun piece of DST, for me, is that every single year, I reach out to my sister, and we jointly complain about how our mean mother wouldn’t let us skip church on DST Sunday. We used to get up at 6 AM to walk across the street for a 9:30 AM service, so we were cranky and tired and bored as it was, and DST stealing an hour of sleep just make it worse. LOL

    9. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I lost the manual AND the remote for our bedroom clock radio when we moved last year, and couldn’t figure out how to change the time on it without them, so it’s been off for an hour all winter. Then I moved it yesterday (our cleaner had accidentally knocked it out of place) and discovered there’s a simple toggle switch on the bottom! I’ve never had to use it before because I used the remote, but that’s pretty handy – just wish they’d put it somewhere more visible.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Oh, and I am very much looking forward to lighter evenings. Lately my bike ride home has been in twilight, which I find more dangerous than either full daylight or full dark; my bright colours, reflective strips, and lights are all less effective in half-light. I left early one day last week and it was glorious to be riding in full sunshine! Worth losing an hour of sleep tonight, for me.

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          Agree! I get off work at 5:30pm and it is so nice to have some sunshine after work. I am one of those strange people who likes DST!

    10. gsa*

      Does anyone own a wristwatch or more, anymore?

      Not to out do Nicole 76, But I have what she has plus another vehicle in a half a dozen wrist watches.

      It really doesn’t bother me. It’s just another thing we do.

      I’m off to run errands in what is becoming a lovely day.

      1. Drama Mama*

        I do! But I teach in a room without a clock and I need to be able to pace myself without pulling out my phone all the time.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I do, but I don’t wear it very often. Mostly when I’m traveling and know I won’t be able to get to my phone easily. I keep my phone put up most of the time when in airports, etc. so it doesn’t get snatched.

      3. Parenthetically*

        My husband has one that he wears for fashion reasons! And I’m planning to get him another one for his upcoming milestone birthday, one that looks nice and works properly, unlike his current one.

      4. ChildlessbyChoice*

        I have several watches, and I’m always wearing one. I’ve been wearing one since I was about 10 so I feel a bit undressed without it. Analog and digital, and I had a nooka until the battery died :(

      5. gsa*

        First watch was cat in the hat watch. Wish I still had it.

        We both have gifted each other watches. Mine was for a milestone anniversary and hers was for a milestone birthday. To me, going out of the house without a watch this like going out of the house.

    11. Mike C.*

      This time of year drive safe me batty because I’m finally starting to see daylight on my way to work and now it’s going to be another month of darkness.

      And since I’m in bed earlyish, I can’t take advantage of the extra light!

    13. Feline*

      I always thought I didn’t need a reminder for this, but in the autumn, it was Tuesday before I noticed the analog wristwatch I wear was an hour off. I apparently only ever look at the minute hand.

    14. Rather Be Reading*

      It’s not often that I say, “Thank goodness, I’m so glad I live in Arizona,” but it happens at least twice a year on time-change weekends!

    15. Mimmy*

      I used to not mind the changes, especially the spring time change since it stays lighter later, but now it’s beginning to irk me. It’s nearly 6:00 pm here in NJ, yet I keep thinking it’s still 4:30-5:00. I think the change is just too quick and disorienting, if I’m being honest.

      If memory serves, it’s darker in the mornings for a little while – tomorrow is gonna suuuuuuuuuck!!!

  4. HannahS*

    Book thread! What have you been reading this week, and how do/did you like it?

    I read the whole Rashi’s Daughters series, which is historical fiction about the three daughters of the (very important) 11th century French Talmud scholar/vintner Rashi. He taught his daughters Talmud, which was forbidden to women for a long time (and still is, in some communities). It was definitely interesting and engaging, and I feel like I was able to develop a picture of what kind of lives Jews lived in that time–a period of peace and prosperity ended by the First Crusade–but I had mixed feelings about the whole second book and some of the writing was uneven.

    1. I Love Thrawn*

      Allison’s book choice for this week looks really intriguing. I have to check that one out.

      1. Gala apple*

        I own this and it’s a great resource. Checked it out of the library first, and realized it’s pretty much a home encyclopedia. I suggest trying to find one used if it stricks a chord with you.

    2. Sesame Plexer*

      I jut finished reading Working With People I Want to Punch in the Throat and it was hilarious. I know we don’t talk about the w word on weekends but that’s what I just finished. Can’t wait to read more by this author!

    3. Sugar of lead*

      I’m slowly chewing my way through The Name of the Wind. According to a cashier at Panera, I’m in for a real treat.

      2. oranges & lemons*

        I really liked it. I’m looking forward to starting the sequel–it’s been sitting on my bookshelf for a while.

    4. dr_silverware*

      The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker! Kind of a necessary read for an advice column addict. Felt a little dated, and there were a few areas I wish he’d explored more, but overall I thought it was fascinating.

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        I found that after reading Carolyn Hax for years (and seeing it mentioned here, but I’ve been reading Hax since she had a column), The Gift of Fear was a bit of a letdown because I felt like she’d covered a lot of the major points in her column over the years. Not sorry I read it, but it wasn’t the life-changer I expected it to be either.

        1. dr_silverware*

          I did think it brought up a lot of new stuff, but I was surprised by how much advice column advice just came directly from it.

    5. Gala apple*

      I am on a Terry Pratchett kick! At my current rate I’ll finish the Discworld series mid-year. Favorite characters right now are Sam Vimes and Death, of course.

      1. Mephyle*

        I’m slowly working my way through them, too. Limited by how quickly I can acquire copies, which in turn is controlled by my self-limitation on spending more than the minimum amount; i.e., tracking down the cheapest copy possible.
        I’m currently enjoying Small Gods a lot: as well as the print book, I have the BBC radio play version and the full audiobook and I’m relistening to them a lot.

      2. Book Lover*

        Sam Vimes of course. The guards books are my favorites though actually I really loved the first two Moist books also.

      3. Librarygeek*

        Hooray! I love that series and make sure that every library I work at owns his stuff.

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      The Ninth Hour. I can’t remember the author but it starts with a man who kills himelf to prove “his time is his own” and a nun who shows up in the aftermath to manage things (she’s a nurse), and moved on to the lives of the man’s descendants and how they’re involved with the nun’s order. I’m enjoying it.

    7. Bluebell*

      I just finished John Hodgman’s Vacationland. Funny, with detours into some serious topics. And including lots of places I’ve been before, from Downeast Maine to Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn. Loved it.

    8. neverjaunty*

      Working my way back through the Parker series by Richard Stark (actually Donald Westlake under a pen name).

    9. Lady Jay*

      I started Octavia Butler’s book, Lilith’s Brood. In essence, the story is about a human woman chosen (by aliens!) to restart the human race after they nearly destroy themselves in a nuclear holocaust; the novel begins with her waking up on the alien ship.

      This is, hands-down, going to be one of the weirdest books I’ve read in a very long time. But I like the characters; they’re well-rounded and hard to put into boxes.

      1. SineNomine*

        Lillith’s Brood really, really hit me hard. It was super disturbing, but obviously incredibly written. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for quite a few days after I finished it…but I also couldn’t bring myself to keep reading the series, tho0ugh I hope to eventually. I guess that’s the mark of a great book in how much it affected me.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Did you read all of Lilith’s Brood or just Dawn? The copy I have includes all three Xenogenesis novels (my impression is that they’re meant to be read together, so I got them combined). It is disturbing, all the more so because (at least at the point where I am now, about 150 pages in, the aliens are not malicious in what they do.

          1. SineNomine*

            Sorry, just Dawn, mixed up the names. I wasn’t able to keep reading through Adulthood Rites and Imago.

            And yeah, thats absolutely what makes it so disturbing. There are no easy answers about how to feel because, like you said, the aliens aren’t malicious at all. And they have a point. And nothing is FORCED on Lilith, which makes it so much worse because the choices she has to make are just absolutely awful. Trying to think of what I would do in her situation just really, really affected me.

    10. Not That Jane*

      I just finished SPQR by Mary Beard. A history of Ancient Rome that I really, really enjoyed – partly because it gives the atmosphere of the times very vividly.

    11. Temperance*

      I just finished “The Last Olympian” by Rick Riordan earlier this morning. I really love YA fiction. I try to read more highbrow stuff in between for some balance.

    12. SineNomine*

      I’m about to start Brandon Sanderson’s Oathbringer, the third book in his epic fantasy Stormlight Archive series. I have just been putting it off a bit. Having to wait til 2020/2021 for book 4 is just absolute hell and it’s caused me to sort of drag my feet and delay reading it, ironically, because I know I am gonna love it too much. That’s weird, isn’t it?

    13. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m making my way through Evelina by Frances Burney.

      It’s an 18th century book that talks about one woman’s experiences in society and was a major influence on Jane Austen’s writing. It’s actually very relevant to what we’re experiencing today with the MeToo movement and Time’s Up because Evelina’s experiences are things that I’ve gone through myself and it’s fascinating (and a little disheartening) to read about it from 300-ish years ago.

      It does make me want to scream at certain points though. Some of the characters behaviour is just so embarrassing that I have to put the book down and just breathe.

    14. Book Lover*

      I am impatiently waiting for The Rook and Into the Drowning Deep. In the meantime have been reading Belgarath to my son and spending too much time messing around on iPad.

    15. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I have different books in each main reading room of my house, plus one on my Kobo for the bus.

      Currently reading:

      Ibid, by Mark Dunn. The conceit here is that the author’s editor accidentally destroyed the only copy of a biography manuscript, but that the extensive footnotes (which were sent separately) survived. As an apology to the author, the editor published the footnotes anyway as a stand-alone text. So you’re reading the story of this (fictional) person’s life from the snippets presented in the footnotes, inferring the gaps as you go. I’ve only just started but it’s very cleverly done so far!

      The Book of Strange New Things, by Michel Faber. A very earnest and well-meaning Christian pastor is sent to a distant planet, as a missionary to the alien natives. I’m about a third of the way through and it feels like it’s really just starting to get into the meat of the story. I’m enjoying it but not loving it.

      A Brief History of Everyone Who Ever Lived, by Adam Rutherford. Human evolution and modern-day genetics. None of the subject matter is new to me, but it’s presented very well; I particularly enjoyed the section on direct-to-consumer genetic testing such as 23andMe, and the comparison between the very rigorous work done to positively identify the body of Richard III and the sloppy, sensationalist Jack the Ripper “identification”. However, a few chapters seem like they needed an extra round of editing – there are some sentences that you have to re-read before you can parse them correctly.

      Aboriginal Health in Canada: Historical, Cultural, and Epidemiological Perspectives, by James Waldram, Ann Herring & Kue Young. (For work). Very informative, meticulously researched and referenced, a bit dense and dry.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I read The Book of Strange New Things and was decidedly underwhelmed by the end of it. It was an interesting concept but I felt the execution was lacking.

        Also, how in the blazes are you able to read all those books at once? I can only read one book at a time. Any more and my tiny brain gets confused.

        1. Typhon Worker Bee*

          Ugh, I had the feeling this book might not be worth it. Oh well, I will persevere.

          I’ve almost always had multiple books on the go at once, since I was a kid. My Mum and my sister are the same way (my Dad is not, and was constantly frustrated by how many books there were lying around the house!). I don’t see it any differently to being able to watch Game of Thrones, Westworld, and other shows on different nights of the week and keep all the stories straight! I guess early training is key, lol

      2. Lady Jay*

        I did not care for the Book of Strange New Things. Gave up on it shortly after the pastor meets the alien race; it was kind of . . . dull.

        That said, if you like mixing religion with your science fiction, I recommend Mary Doria Russell’s The Sparrow, about a group of Jesuits and scientists who make First Contact, and everything goes wrong.

        Here’s the prologue:
        It was predictable, in hindsight. Everything about the history of the Society of Jesus bespoke deft and efficient action, exploration and research. During what Europeans were pleased to call the Age of Discovery, Jesuit priests were never more than a year or two behind the men who made initial contact with previously unknown peoples; indeed, Jesuits were often the vanguard of exploration.

        The United Nations required years to come to a decision that the Society of Jesus reached in ten days. In New York, diplomats debated long and hard, with many recesses and tablings of the issue, whether and why human resources should be expended in an attempt to contact the world that would become known as Rakhat when there were so many pressing needs on Earth. In Rome, the questions were not whether or why but how soon the mission could be attempted and whom to send.

        The Society asked leave of no temporal government. It acted on its own principles, with its own assets, on Papal authority. The mission to Rakhat was undertaken not so much secretly as privately–a fine distinction but one which the Society felt no compulsion to explain or justify when the news broke several years later.

        The Jesuit scientists went to learn, not to proselytize. They went so that they might come to know and love God’s other children. They went for the reason Jesuits have always gone to the furthest frontiers of human exploration. They went ad majorem Dei gloriam: for the greater glory of God.

        They meant no harm.

        1. Sparrow*

          This is one of my favorite books of all time! (part of the reason for my commenting name, although there’s more to it also) :)

    16. Enya*

      I just finished Zoe Heller’s “The Believers” – I really enjoyed it. I always love novels about strange or dysfunctional families.

    17. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading A Column of Fire by Ken Follett. It’s the third in the Kingsbridge series and I’m enjoying it so far. It takes place in the mid 1500s and is about the war between Protestants and Catholics.

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        I liked that one a lot. The Pillars of the Earth was one of my favorite books of all time, and I don’t think the other two are quite at that level but still really good. The last one actually reminded me more of the writing in the Century trilogy-I guess it focused more on the history of the time, using the characters as examples of the people affected by it.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I just finished the Century trilogy. I really enjoyed it, but found parts of it really difficult to get through, like the Cuban Missile Crisis. It also was a bit hard to follow the family lines by the third book, since it was the third generation. Still a good series, though.

          Yes, I loved Pillars of the Earth!

      2. Ann O’Nemity*

        I love Follett’s historical novels. Anyone ever try his earlier thrillers? I haven’t, but I’m curious.

    18. Pam*

      Just pre-ordered a bunch, and I am re-reading Jo Walton’s Thessaly trilogy- Àthene and Apollo start Plato’s Republic forrwal. Complications ensue.

    19. anonagain*

      “Are We Smart Enough to Know How Smart Animals Are?” by Frans de Waal, which I LOVED, and “Main Street” by Sinclair Lewis, which I’m sure I didn’t fully understand but still liked well enough.

      I’m not sure what I’ll read/listen to next.

    20. Liane*

      Got through several books this week.
      1. Dawn of Rebellion. Latest release in the Star Wars roleplaying game line. Focuses on Rogue One movie and Star Wars Rebels TV series. Going to be interviewing one of the writers/game developers who worked on it, once I come up with questions! He is a friend, so will be extra fun.
      2. Star Wars Poe Dameron: Legend Lost. Marvel graphic novel comprising several issues of the comic book series. Poe & Black Squadron steal starship fuel from the First Order, while helped/hindered by a journalist. Pretty decent.
      3. Burn Brightly. Fifth full novel in Patricia Briggs’ Alpha & Omega urban fantasy series. Love this series and the Mercy Thompson series it was spun off from, and this one was great! Released Teusday, downloaded it early that morning onto my Kindle, finished it before noon (working afternoons is wonderful), an considering rereading it already.
      Oa

    21. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Stuff for grad school. :( But I bought a few French-language versions of books I liked in English (Murakami’s A Wild Sheep Chase and Dance Dance Dance and the first book of Lev Grossman’s Magicians series) and would like to reread, so I’m looking forward to reading those when I have some time.

        1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

          I have the first season of the TV show, but I haven’t watched it yet. I wanted to reread the books (in English) first.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I read City of Endless Night, the latest Pendergast novel from Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. It was pretty decent–Pendergast and D’Agosta up against a really baffling serial murderer without a lot of personal distractions. Just a straightforward police procedural, a nice respite from the soap opera drama in which Pendergast has lately been immersed.

    23. Hana*

      I’m reading ‘Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe’! I haven’t been this excited about a book in years.

      1. copier queen*

        That is a great book – probably Fannie Flagg’s best. I like her writing style and tone – most of her books are really enjoyable!

    24. Former Employee*

      I recently read “Midnight at the Bright Ideas Bookstore”. So many people were saying how good it was. I had so many problems with it because (to me) it just didn’t hold up to any scrutiny. You have to believe that people would act in ways that make no sense. I don’t mean the sorts of things we see here where people can’t believe they will be fired when they are told that if they don’t improve or if they continue to do X, Y, or Z, they will be fired and they make no changes and are fired (surprise!). I mean the kinds of things that are obvious deal breakers in their relationship where the character isn’t doing it to get the other party to break things off with them because they don’t want to be the bad guy. It also doesn’t help that the detective who was assigned to the long ago crime that is at the center of the book seemed obsessed with the idea that a particular person committed the crime. Even when we find out “whodunit”, some of the particulars don’t really add up, either.

      Anyone else read it and have a similar reaction?

      1. Ann O’Nemity*

        It was just okay. I think I read too many glowing reviews and had high hopes. My biggest problem was that everything tied up too neatly in the end, with the characters being double- or triple- connected in ways that just weren’t plausible.

    25. AcademiaNut*

      I’m two thirds of the way through the Three Body Problem series by Cixin Liu, and quite enjoying it. It’s a hard scifi first contact series written by a Chinese author. In addition to being a good read, it’s interesting to read sci-fi written with a very non-Western set of cultural references and assumption.

    26. Babs*

      I am still reading The Wheel of Time series! Just finished The Shadow Rising (book 4). Potential spoiler: The chapters about the history of the Aiel gave me chills. The writing, everything, was so beautiful I was almost overwhelmed and had to take a break before finishing that section.

      I’ll be starting medical school in the fall, so I’m trying to finish all 14 books before my schedule gets crazy.

      1. GiantPanda*

        Me too!
        Most of it is a reread, but I remembered last week that I never got around to “Memory of Light” (what was I doing when it came out???). Going to finish “The Great Hunt” (book 2) tonight.

    27. phyllisb*

      I just finished Pachinko by Min Jin Lee and really liked it. I’ve always enjoyed books about Asian culture; Pearl S.. Buck was one of my favorite authors when I was young. I have read many books about Chinese culture and some about Japanese culture; but this is the only book I have ever read about Koreans. It goes into a lot of historical detail about the Koreans in Japan and how they were treated by the Japanese. Very educational but entertaining at the same time. Last week I finished The Last Mrs. Parish. It was well written and I couldn’t stop reading after I got into it, but if I had known what it was about I never would have started it.

    28. Elaine*

      Trying to read “Irene Iddesleigh”, but holy cow! This is some of the worst writing EVER, and I’m including the Elsie Dinsmore books in that. Direct quote: “So soon may the house of gladness and mirth be turned into deepest grief! How the wealthiest, through sheer folly, are made to drink the very essence of poverty and affliction in its purest form! How the golden dust of luxury can be blown about with the wind of events, and is afterwards found buried 54 in the fields of industry and thrift! Their names, which were as a household word, would now be heard no more, and should sink into abject silence and drowned renown, leaving them to battle against the raging war of ruin and hunger, and retire into secluded remorse.”

      THE WHOLE BOOK is like that.

      1. TardyTardis*

        Someone besides me has read the Elsie Dinsmore books? I found the whole series electronically (and read some of them on my phone while standing in line at Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm, which was a smidge surreal…).

    29. Jen Erik*

      Happiness for Humans by Kate Eberlen.

      I wanted something light-hearted and the reviews seemed to suggest this was the thing – a sort of rom-com of a book where an artificial intelligence decides to match-make for the woman who has been working on improving his conversational skills.

      And it was probably fine, and I can see how people could enjoy it, but it was a bit of a miss for me – I didn’t feel moved by the romance, or enjoy the comedy.

  5. I Love Thrawn*

    All Things Thorin and Thrawn.

    1. I was asked why I was/am so enchanted with Thorin, King of Dwarves. The Hobbit is my all time fav book, so I was already pre-disposed towards the movies when they came out. Richard Armitage did a phenomonal job portraying him in the movies – dark, brooding, that fire simmering just below the surface, absolute determination to take back his birthright for himself and his people. He’s a natural born leader, charismatic. And of course they made him very handsome. He probably does have a big fandom out there, but I don’t usually look for stuff like that. While we are talking dwarves, it irritates me to no end that they are considered “greedy” simply because they wanted their own back. If someone walked in and kicked you out of YOUR house one day, wouldn’t you want it back??

    2. Grand Admiral Thrawn. YES I am very excited for the new book!! I’m still appalled that they had (spoiler alert) freaking space whales take him away at the end of Star Wars Rebels recently, but at least he’s alive and officially back in canon. Ezra, you are a little jerk, you know that? (And did it ever occur to you that there may be unintended consqueneces to something as dangerous as time travel? *****Or that maybe you were even manipulated into it?) Yep, I’m an Imperial chick through and through (Thrawn, Eli Vanto, Cpts Canady and Palleon, Col. Yularen, Agent Kallus , Gen Hux….). BTW, name dropping Pelly at the end of Rebels was seriously awesome fan service, THANK YOU, Dave Filoni.

    ……..Not originally intended but after this week’s letter about dating fictional characters – I have always had at least one crush going on a fictional character, and it can get intense but I’m fully aware of reality. Never claimed to be dating or engaged to any of them, just enjoying the fantasies that may or may not come with. Pretty much your standard crush.

    ***** I was thinking Wrinkle in Time, the Nothing. What if Ezra’s stunt was designed to attract and or bring the Nothing into his universe? Just because you CAN do a thing does NOT mean you should do a thing. But it was the only way he could beat Thrawn, because the blue guy is just.that.awesome.

    1. Reba*

      LOL Because of the soft-focus close ups and so on in the films, I always referred to him as “Beefcake, Dwarf King” or “Thorin Oakenshield, Dreamboat.” The way he was filmed made me laugh, but indeed, Richard Armitage, WHEW!

      I do think the Dwarves are greedy in a sense because they really covet treasures — but it’s also not greedy, exactly, because they don’t care about it as *money* but rather as something priceless that they have some deeper kind of affinity for.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        Exactly! They were created by Aule, who was about all things metal working. He passed that on to his creations.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Hi Hobbit fan! I’m a LOTR fan overall. Also a Star Wars fan, but very much not caught up with current canon. I’ve seen part of Clone Wars (animated). Hope you have a great geekout session :)

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        I’ve only seen parts of the Clone Wars myself. It’s a much bigger scale, lots of big battles and wars. I like the smaller scale Rebels. Though CW did have Maul. I love Maul too but that’s an entirely different thread.

        1. SineNomine*

          I think that the real joy in Clone Wars isn’t so much the epic battles but more the character development of Ahsoka and Anakin through the series. I’ll always love it just for actually realizing Anakin’s character infinitely better than the movies. They actually managed to make him sympathetic and a convincing war hero in ways that the movies never were able to either due to time constraints or poor writing.

          And Ahsoka started out pretty annoying in a “Yup, this character is just for kids to relate to” way but hoo boy. She ended up being an amazing character, one of my favorites in all of the franchise. I actually haven’t seen much of Rebels, but knowing that she appears in it has made me super interested. I’m scared to ask but…do they show what happens to her vis a vis her obvious absence in the universe during the OT?

          1. I Love Thrawn*

            She is a great character. Really don’t like the kid version of her but the adult is seriously a force of nature. You will be happy to know that she is alive and kicking still. Her story gets complicated, with several plot twists, but worth watching.

          2. Amadeo*

            Yeah, I was glad of the Clone Wars series for the simple fact that it didn’t leave me wanting to beat Anakin with a shoe. It absolutely did save his character for me.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      I LOVED Richard Armitage’s portrayal of Thorin. Up until the live-action movies I actually didn’t much care for Thorin, but I thought Armitage really brought a humanity and vulnerability and regal nature to the character that had never come across for me before. I thought that Jackson overdid the paranoia and transformation to a**hole at the end of the movie.

      The whole “greed” thing also drives me up a wall. If you want to talk about greedy how about looking at Thranduil? Exactly what claim did he have on the treasure? How much help was he to the dwarves when sh*t was going down? None. Maybe some of the pieces in the mountain were things he’d commissioned, so okay he had claim to those, but that’s not the way he was approaching the situation. Also, how is Thorin greedy for wanting to reclaim his birthright? He was kicked out of his home, saw his family killed, lost his father to Sauron, and somehow he’s greedy for wanting to reclaim his home and status? I’d like to see how Thranduil would react if he’d gone through everything Thorin and co. did. And if dwarves were straight motivated by greed then Dain wouldn’t have reacted the way he did to Sauron’s messengers when they showed up offering to give back the dwarven rings of power. Dain was having none of it and sent them packing.

      Another thing that irritates me is the way that Gimli was basically comic relief in the LOTR movies. And the whole Moria thing- in the book Gimli knew damn well that nothing good was going to be found in Moria. They hadn’t heard from Balin and co. in ages- he was very realistic about what they’d find, not all “roaring fires” or whatever his line was.

    4. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      TIME FOR ME TO YELL ABOUT THRAWN!!!

      What I actually mean by that is that Thrawn has been my example of a perfect villain for… let’s see, I started reading Star Wars books in middle school, so that’s about 20 years now? I love having him be nu!canon, and since it looks like the new book is going to be him dealing with The Skywalker School of Being Absurdly Extra™, I’m pretty beside myself.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        See, I don’t think of him as a villain. His primary motivation, originally, was to protect his people at all costs. Past that, he just does what he has to. And he would have ruled the galaxy well, I think.

        1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          I mean, he’s a villain in the general sense of being the antagonist and working for the recognized bad guys of the series. He definitely had (at least in Legends canon) some tendencies that would not have been considered part of a free and democratic society.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Richard Armitage, yum yum. ;)

      I wish they’d just done two films for The Hobbit. The story is much smaller in scale than LOTR and the third film was god-awful in both pace and repetition. They could have chucked that entire Necromancer thing and shortened the whole last battle (it just went on and on and on). I would have liked it a lot better. Three films was a money grab, plain and simple–it didn’t need the epic treatment LOTR got because it was a shorter story. You didn’t need to establish any prequel to LOTR because the mere existence of the One Ring and Bilbo finding it IS the prequel

      And don’t even get me started on Tauriel. >:(

      2. I Love Thrawn*

        Not a Tauriel fan?? :) I don’t mind her, but if they’d tried to pair her up with Thorin, my head would probably have exploded. I agree three films was too much, and those battle rams… !!! I think P Jackson was and is a bit too in love with his CGI.

        BTW, I think you are in England, aren’t you? Any thoughts on Welsh actor Mark Lewis Jones? I saw him in The Last Jedi, Cpt. Moden Canady, and he’s so cute. I’m starting to search out his other appearances, but since they seem mostly to be UK and I’m in the US, not always easy.

      3. Dr. KMnO4*

        Two movies would have been way better, I agree. I wish they’d let Guillermo del Toro do it, I think his version would have been really cool and much tighter.

        >:( Tauriel…grr…I can almost forgive having Legolas in the movie since he is Thranduil’s son, but he didn’t need to be there really.

        The worst part of the trilogy for me was the part with the giant gold statue and the whole weird battle scene in the mountain. Also, there was too much Laketown drama. Waaayyyyy too much Laketown drama.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yep. So far, I have not disliked one single del Toro film I’ve ever seen. I think his Hobbit would have been awesome. And I LOVED The Shape of Water. Also that a fantasy genre film won Best Picture. When Return of the King won, that was a huge nerd victory, but now we’re getting more appreciation for genre stuff and I am ecstatic. I mean, Get Out was also up for it and it’s a horror film!

    6. DoctorateStrange*

      I’ve developed such a fondness for Thorin as well; not going to lie, but it always made me uncomfortable how, in a lot of ways, the dwarves were coded a certain way that Tolkien unconsciously wrote. Lindsay Ellis did a great analysis on that and other fantasy titles in her review of that Netflix movie, Bright; the movie was not great, but Lindsay Ellis skewering it in her video essay is hilarious.

    7. HSavinien*

      Hello! Would you like fanfic recs (if so, what ships)? Or links to fanart? I’m very fond of Tolkien’s dwarves and involved in the fan community, though I focused on Bofur, the Ri family, and expanding the roles of lady and nonbinary dwarves.

  6. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    My favourite tv show (The Return of Superman) has been blocked for my country for the past three weeks. Apparently the channel wants a three week delay between airing and posting on Youtube for the US, but instead they set the restriction for the entire continent. People are definitely not happy about it.

  7. Sapphire (formerly EnobyPro)*

    Crafting thread, anyone?

    This weekend will be my first time blocking knit pieces, and I’m so worried I’m going to screw it up. The fiber isn’t completely wool, which is what’s making me nervous. But I’ve been working on this sweater for more than two years, and I’d like to finish it so I can actually get to wear it.

    1. Laura H*

      Firstly excuse me as I giggle at the pun… I love puns.

      And while fanficcing doesn’t entirely fit in with the crafting theme except for uber-loosely, I’m hopeful to get a wee bit of that done today.

      1. Sapphire (formerly EnobyPro)*

        I didn’t notice the pun at first. Ha!

        What are you working on? It’s been years since I’ve written fanfiction, and I have a lot of fond memories of it.

        1. Laura H*

          Honestly the plot bunnies have gone so into hibernation that I’m really just hoping to get something added. Thankfully I’ve got several options to choose to try tackling- I don’t have to deal with the insertion point of mockiness.

          I’m not terribly comfortable exposing my fandom of choice… apologies for dancing around that.

          1. Sapphire (formerly EnobyPro)*

            That’s okay, I understand that.
            I’m working on a play with some friends that technically should have been finished last night, but I was recording a podcast into the wee hours, so I’m hoping to get some work done on it this morning before I get my hair cut and colored.

    2. HannahS*

      If I can bring myself to pull out the tweezers and re-thread my serger, I can work on skinny-ing up my boot-cut jeans. I finally realized I was the only person still wearing them, and I hate how they drag in the slush. I have four pairs of jeans, and I’ve only done one pair so fair. It’s easy, and mending/alterations definitely saves money, but darnit it’s not very exciting!

      1. Mephyle*

        It is, though, so satisfying when it’s done and the garment is better for it.
        I sometimes finish raw seam edges with zigzag if I want the thing to be done and can’t be bothered to fiddle with the serger. But if I do have to re-thread, it’s much easier to tie the new thread onto the old one and pull it through (for the looper threads) than to thread from scratch – do you do that?

        1. HannahS*

          I do! But what happened is that I got some extra fabric caught in the serger. The jeans sort of folded over the presser foot and got dragged back under, so I had to cut them out of the machine. It was all in the seam allowance, so it’s ok, but the threads were cut/snapped.

        2. Owler*

          I darned some Smartwool socks on a car trip, and I’m still on a mending high from finishing them.

    3. Cristina in England*

      Re:blocking, go for it! If you mess it up you can re-wet and re-block. What are you blocking?

      1. Cristina in England*

        (I know you said a not all-wool sweater but I meant what pattern if you are happy to share, and congrats on finishing!)

        1. Cristina in England*

          Oh wow that’s gorgeous. I honestly didn’t know there was a non-wet way to block it, so I say go for it. :-) If you need some help for the how-to, I am sure the Ravelry technique forum or YouTube would be a big help. For something that thick I would soak it in the bath, hand-squeeze most of the water out, lay it on a big towel, roll up the towel and step on it, leaving the vest only damp, and then tug the vest gently into shape and lay it flat to dry. Good luck!

        2. Red Reader*

          I block pretty much everything by spritz – pin it out to the mattress how I want it, then spritz it down. Can always spritz more. :) But with silk in the blend, I’d be hesitant to do a full-on wet block personally.

          But yeah, if it doesn’t work the first time you can always let it dry and go again! :) Be the boss of your string!

          1. Cristina in England*

            What is the reason for not wet blocking silk? Presumably it will be washed at some point down the road, and isn’t dry-clean only.

            1. Red Reader*

              Oh, I fully acknowledge that I err on the side of overcautious with my hand-knits personally :) But my general thought is not to handle it any more than absolutely necessary when wet, because in my experience some silk yarns are more delicate than others.

              1. Cristina in England*

                Ah cool. Yeah it’s good to be cautious after all that hard work! I would hope that it would be ok in a blend but I would maybe add to the OP, definitely don’t wring it or otherwise twist it when squeezing out the water, just gently squeeze and don’t let the whole thing hang from your hand when wet. Or maybe soak it in the tub and run it in the spin cycle on your washing machine? To me that is more gentle then squeezing it and stepping on it in a towel but others may disagree.

                Blocking is definitely a job, that’s for sure.

                1. Sapphire (formerly EnobyPro)*

                  I ended up just soaking the pieces briefly, rolling them in a towel, and pinning them on the blocking mats. They should be dry by now, hopefully.

        3. Searching*

          I’ve blocked a shawl that had silk in it and it worked out great (I think it was only 20% silk, with 20% cotton and the rest acrylic – I usually avoid any acrylic like the plague but I was away from home and needed something relatively cheap). I’ve started wet-blocking just about everything that isn’t a hat. For a vest or sweater I think it’s the secret to making the pieces fit together properly. Just make sure you _really_ support the pieces when you pull them out of the water. The hard part is being patient while it dries, because it seems to take forever.

    4. Pollygrammer*

      I’m experimenting with resin jewelry making this weekend! I love the idea of being able to make any image into a professional looking piece. But it’s a little bit of a steep learning curve and it’s not cheap.

        1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

          Me too! I started painting a few months ago and have really wanted to try out epoxy resin but haven’t made the investment yet. Happily, I’ve found I can get a really similar effect by layering a lot of glossy Mod Podge on top of a piece… it turns out really great and stays clear even if you’re pouring it. I’ll try out resin eventually, but for now, this is within my capabilities. :)

    5. Travelling Circus*

      I’m hoping to finish crocheting my Slytherin scarf. I’m going to join a crochet along next week, so hopefully I can get at least this scarf out of my WIP bag!

      I’ve blocked 100% acrylic pieces before with no problems, but if anything goes wonky you could probably just re-wet and re-block. And congrats on finishing!

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m finally quilting my daughter’s quilt. As in sewing the 3 layers together quilting. It’s nerve wracking and I totally see why some people just write a check for this part. But it’s also fun and relaxing. I’m just doing a basic free-motion stiple. I’d love to be doing something more pointier, I’m learning that my brain sort of jerks at times and I’d love a design that can sort of incorporate that and make it look on purpose, but this is what she wants and it’s great practice. I was having trouble getting the tension right and I was so close to dropping everything and taking it in to the repair shop, which is 40 minutes away, but some little instinct said call first and see if you need an appointment. I’m so glad I did! They’re on vacation and won’t be back until next week. So I fiddled with it and got it to work. Now I think I’ll bring it in before I go on vacation. It’s really due for a tune-up. And I’d love a machine that is made for quilters with all basic settings that makes the job easier. I love the romance of being one of those people who used an old machine or a basic machine, but I’m also a big fan of having the right tool for the job and if I’m going to keep doing this then it’s worth spending the money on a nice machine that will last.

      1. Laura H*

        As a former quilter’s kid, I hope your daughter loves the finished product for many years to come- as I do the quilts my mother made for me when I was younger. Super thankful for the one that was for my full size bed… makes my now twin size bed extra cozy!

      2. Jemima Bond*

        I’ll be quilting later too! Two baby quilts to bind and some hand quilting on another. And planning my next project – deciding on design; maybe cutting fabric.

    7. Gingerblue*

      I have free time for the first time in a while, and I’m hoping to get back to some of the half-done knitting projects I started over Christmas. Looks like another round of hats and scarves I won’t actually wear until next winter!

      I’m also getting back to doing some gaming, and building a tiny little treehouse village in Terraria is so very satisfying.

    8. CheeryO*

      I have a Bloomsbury (https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/bloomsbury-7) that I’m working on in a really pretty cerulean color. It just needs sleeves. It’s only my second fitted sweater, and I had a lot of trouble with the sleeves on my first coming out way too big, so I’m procrastinating until I figure out if I should use DPNs or magic loop or just buy a tiny circular needle.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Ooh that is so pretty! Do you want to talk through your sleeve situation here? How did you do the too-big sleeves? I used to do sleeves on DPNs but now I prefer magic loop. I have a tiny circ, which is sometimes annoying because a ten inch circ is great for most of the sleeve but not all the way down to the wrist. For a top down you might start with magic loop and move to DPNs for the cuff. For bottom-up, the reverse. What do you think?

      2. Dr. KMnO4*

        You could buy two circular needles. That’s how I make my socks – one circular needle for the front half and one for the back half. The knitting doesn’t fall off the needles and it doesn’t matter how long the cables of the needles are.

    9. Cristina in England*

      I have had lots of crafting energy lately, and managed to finish a bunch of projects. I am most proud of my two scarves for my mother, made from silver silk bought in China 14 years ago. I did one rectangular scarf and one infinity scarf. I also finished off a couple of hoodie to zip-hoodie conversions, and I knit a neck warmer. I am working on a hat made from sock yarn at the moment.

      I am a bit stuck on refining a cape, mostly because I don’t like the collar and I am not sure what to do with it. I might add a second layer to it like this wool coat I have and love.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Ugh, re-lining a cape not refining it, though that isn’t technically wrong I guess

    10. Bullwinkle*

      A question for any expert sewers out there: I learned how to sew as a kid, and am getting back into it recently. I would say I’m an experienced beginner. I’m interested in learning how to make tailored button down shirts, but not sure where to start. I’m a woman, but I prefer men’s styles for the most part. Shirts I have that I like are typically a more conservative woman’s cut, ie not super fitted/darted etc, or a more slim fit men’s cut (though men’s shirts are often too small at the hips. I wouldn’t describe myself as especially curvy, but apparently more so than the average dude.) I assume whatever pattern I pick, I’ll need to make some adjustments, but I’m wondering if I should I try a men’s or women’s pattern and go from there? Try to go off a shirt I like the fit of? I know this is a challenging project and my first attempts will probably not go well, but have to start somewhere!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        There is a blog called Male Pattern Boldness where he has done men’s shirt sew-alongs before. ALSO he is a gay man who sews women’s clothes and wears his creations out and about as his “cousin Cathy”. Sometimes he will do vintage patterns. Give it a look and see if there are some past posts that may help!

      2. Slartibartfast*

        It wouldn’t be too hard to alter a men’s pattern if you just need hip room. Mark on the paper where your widest hip measurement is, then mark your natural waist on the pattern’s pre-marked stitch line. Draw a straight line from one mark to the other, that’s your new stitch line. From the hip mark, draw straight down to the hem line. Remember to add your seam allowance before you cut, I like to use a 3/4 inch instead of the usual 5/8, to have a little bit of wiggle room to make alterations if needed. I have wide hips and a Beyonce butt, so I sometimes need extra fabric there.

        1. Bullwinkle*

          That’s a good point, the shoulder/sleeve area seems like the part I wouldn’t want to mess with too much but adding fabric to the bottom seems more straightforward.

      3. Cristina in England*

        I would start with a pattern and some cheap muslin so you can make a mockup and adjust the fit that way. Unless you have broad shoulders and or a flat chest or it would probably be better to look for a women’s pattern that isn’t very fitted.

        Also for any pattern you do find, do research on it. Do a google image search for it and also check out pattern review dot com. On that site people post pics of their finished projects and comments on what the pattern was like to use. It’s really helpful! Good luck.

      4. Catherine from Canada*

        I actually teach shirtmaking at the store I own, so I can help you here. I am a bit passionate about sewing and shirt making in particular, a well fitted shirt makes your life so much easier. I’ve probably made 15 to 20 shirts over the last three years. I’m recommending two independent pattern designers, because their instructions are really good, especially for experienced beginners. They will build your skills.
        For a looser more relaxed fit shirt, I like the “Archer Shirt” from Grainline Studio. https://grainlinestudio.com/shop/women/archer-button-up-shirt-paper/ (Ignore the collar setting instructions, I’ve recommended a better method below).
        For a more fitted shirt, with lots of accommodation for curvyness, I recommend the Harrison Shirt from Cashmerette. (Ignore her cuff instructions though, they make no sense.) Even though her patterns are designed for curvy women, the Harrison fits from a size 12, cup size C to a size 28, cup size H.
        https://www.cashmerette.com/collections/cashmerette-patterns/products/harrison-shirt-pdf-pattern
        Both of these patterns are available as paper or PDF.
        For your first shirt, choose a nice stable cotton, like a quilting cotton or at most a lawn. The Archer makes a nice flannel shirt too! Anything else is going to be too shifty and hard to handle until you get more skill.
        The best way to set a two piece collar can be found here:
        http://foursquarewalls.blogspot.ca/2013/09/sewing-collar-different-order.html
        Don’t bother to mark or sew buttonholes until the very last. Try the shirt on, and pin it together right between the fullest part of your breasts. Pin about three inches above and below this point too, then go to a mirror and flex to see if you have gaping. You probably won’t, but if you do, adjust that first pin up or down a bit. Then mark all your buttonholes three inches on centre from that pin. No more gaping front!
        If your shirts always drift backwards (you always have to pull the collar forward) look up “forward shoulder adjustment.”
        If your shoulder seams are too high up your shoulder, or dropping off your shoulder, look up “wide or narrow shoulder adjustment”.
        Hope that helps, email me if you want any more advice.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          How do you make sure sleeves are set in properly so they don’t bind when you try to use your arms? I have many women’s dress shirts where apparently nobody checked to see if the wearer could raise their arms above shoulder height. I’m so tempted to cut out the sleeves and reshape, but I don’t want to make the problem worse! Is it mostly in the sleeve’s shoulder curve?

          1. Catherine from Canada*

            Believe it or not, making the armhole bigger will make the binding problem worse. You’d be “lifting” even more of the shirt. If anything you need to
            If your sleeves are binding, you need one or more of these adjustments:
            Wide shoulder adjustment
            Full bicep adjustment
            Wide back adjustment (basically slash and spread to add to the centre back without increasing the neck diameter.)
            And – I don’t know what it’s called but I have to do it on a lot of patterns because I seem to have deeper arms than most – lets call it a deep arm adjustment. I draw a line perpendicular to the grainline through the arm hole on both the front and back pieces and -for me – add an inch. I also cut across the sleeve head and add an inch. This makes sure that the diameter of the sleeve and the arm hole still match and deepens the curve of the sleeve head. Seems to work.
            Hope that helps! (I love teaching this stuff!)

            1. The New Wanderer*

              Thanks, that’s very helpful! I think it’s that last bit that would do it for the sleeves I’m thinking of.

    11. SAHM*

      I’m going to attempt to cut vinyl with my Cameo this weekend to do the second step of my “hot mess” project. I painted two canvases weeks ago and am finally (hopefully) going to actually do it, or maybe I’ll finish cutting out cardstock birds for the baby’s mobile, or maybe I’ll make the soap I promised the local preschool for teacher appreciation week (beeswax & honey for a Pooh Bear soap) and I definitely need to get the tomatoes and basil I bought yesterday planted, and the sunflower, beans, and peas seedlings repotted…… :-) My life is so full of wonderful things!

    12. Rookie Manager*

      I’m planning to chart a cross stitch design for my friends wedding. 2 couples in the same group are getring married this year so I can’t just recycle the last one. She’s a music teacher so doing something based on a song they are having in the ceremony.

    13. Red*

      I’m currently knitting a bunch of squares to join together to make a baby blanket because my sister-in-law is pregnant, but omg they keep coming out different sizes somehow and it’s driving me batturd insane! I just keep reminding myself it’s for a baby and the baby ain’t going to know it’s not supposed to be that way.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      Since I have quit skating, I’ve realized I need to get rid of my unused fabric and trim, etc. I don’t really waaaaaaant tooooooooo……I guess I could sell it. But I’m not going back to it anytime soon, and I can make over dresses if I have to (not getting rid of those just yet). If I keep the patterns, then if I do decide to go back, I can still make dresses and just get new fabric.

      Besides, it will make room for my miniatures crafts, which I’m not ready to give up yet. I know I’ve said this before, but I intend to finish the two dolls houses that are sitting in there, in the way, and maybe do something with the bigger one. It’s amazing how much room that stuff takes up.

    15. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’m making dishcloths. I’m holding cotton dishcloth yarn with the scrubby cotton yarn. It makes it a bit thicker and sturdier.

    16. The New Wanderer*

      I’m about halfway done with a quilted faux chenille blanket (using the tutorials that come up when you search that phrase). The stitching took for-ev-er! Currently, the cutting is taking a while too but I’m over the halfway point. Then comes binding… It’s pretty heavy too, with three flannel layers and two thin cotton layers, but it was a great way to use up old flannel bedsheets.

    17. Amadeo*

      Soaped the last batch that’ll be ready in time for a con this afternoon. I’ve also been doing glitter tumblers with resin for the same thing and played around with a Dollar Tree glass with the resin and alcohol ink. The effect is really neat! There’s a brief video on my page linked in my name. I think I shall keep that one and call it mine, LOL.

    18. Searching*

      I took a class in Encaustic Painting today! Lots of fun, but it’s harder than I thought to get the encaustic medium (wax) to spread smoothly and evenly. It’s a 2-part class and next week we’ll incorporate photos into the medium, which I’m really interested in.

    19. Moving Out*

      I am SO CLOSE to finishing a Hudson Bay inspired baby blanket for my forthcoming niece of nephew! It’s not perfect (there’s some holes to patch, and one of the colored stripes ended up with 2 extra rows) but a) babies don’t care, and b) it’s my biggest project to date at looks pretty good!

      I bought the yarn to make a similar one for a good friend who’s ALSO having a baby (seriously, is EVERYONE pregnant right now?!) but this one took me since October…. so maybe that baby will get a blanket after s/he’s arrived

    20. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

      Unless it’s 100% acrylic and you’re steam blocking it, you can always reblock. I’ve done that a couple times.

      I just got my Addi CraSyTrio set, so now I need to get these socks off my HiyaHiyas so I can try out the Addis! I also just got lovely squishy mail for a knit platypus and a sweater. There’s a few custom requests (including the platypus) that I would like to just get out the door.

    21. oranges & lemons*

      I’ve recently taken up pottery and the learning curve is tough. Three months in, I’m starting to get to the point where my bowls are mostly bowl-shaped but everything is looking pretty “artisanal” still.

  8. AnonForMed*

    Anybody else here diagnosed with interstitial cystitis? I’m still sorting out how to eat given the long list of food restrictions. Thank goodness for the thorough online list of usually safe, usually unsafe, and give-it-a-try foods.
    Eating out is starting to become possible again if I’m very careful.

    1. Nicole76*

      I have it, but I’ve been told it’s a mild case so for the most part I eat what I want. The exception is drinks with fake sugar, such as Crystal Light (or any of those powders you add to water), because it irritates my bladder so much it’s not worth it. I also stay away from pop for the most part. I read you shouldn’t eat rye bread but I still do it because it doesn’t seem to bother me much. In fact, it hasn’t been hurting me too much since my last round of Elmiron several years ago.

    2. WG*

      I was diagnosed with IC in the early 1990s. At that time, there was advice to start with a very restrictive diet – only a few of the safest foods – until symptoms were under control and then slowly add back in one food at a time. This could make it easier to determine which foods/drinks most exacerbated symptoms.

      While a tedious, time consuming process, that really did help me better understand how I could control my symptoms with diet. I spent decades using only diet modification. I can still eat some “forbidden” foods, but I only do that at a time and place of my choosing, when a minor symptom flare wouldn’t be too impactful to my schexule.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I don’t have it, but have experience with people who have food restrictions for various reasons. The best advice is don’t try to eat like you have. Figure out what you CAN eat, and just go with it. IE, if Indian food is generally pretty safe, then figure out a bunch of recipes that you like and can eat and that’s what you eat going forward. Just give up on trying to find safe replacements for unsafe foods, it’s more work and probably more expensive.

      I have a friend with multiple food allergies, and she basically doesn’t eat American food. It’s just easier and safer for her to eat dishes that happen to originate from India, China, Thailand, parts of Africa, etc. Because those dishes simply do not include the things that she can’t eat. I think the process of finding and learning to cook these dishes was tough, but it got easier over time. Now, she’s just got it down and her food is amazing.

    4. fposte*

      I was briefly but it turned out it was just irritable bladder. My impression from what the urologist said is that the two aren’t well differentiated by front-line carers. It’s pretty easy to manage now that I know what the problems are, and even the problem foods I have *some* tolerance for.

      1. Lujessmin*

        My irritable bladder is triggered by allergies, so spring in the OK is always fun. I take an generic form of Allegra to combat it, but the spring and fall are more intense.

      2. Elizabeth H.*

        I went to a urogynecology specialist doctor for extreme pain a couple years ago and she told me that interstitial cystitis wasn’t a real thing and that it was pelvic floor muscle spasms. This seemed consistent with both the literature she gave me and my experience. As such I highly doubt that dietary changes could have any effect at all except for the fact that caffeine and extremely acidic food or beverage can slightly irritate the bladder and potentially exacerbate some discomfort. I was pretty convinced by the medical literature that “interstitial cystitis” is not a real condition and that diet has nothing to do with it at all. That’s my 2 cents. The treatment is physical therapy or stress reduction. Or time.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that’s really interesting. (Caffeine and citrus are my two biggest offenders for irritable bladder, so there may be some comorbidity as well as confusion there.)

        2. Teach*

          That is REALLY interesting – I was diagnosed with IC, then referred to the most amazing pelvic floor PT for incontinence. She found all kinds of muscle spasms and tight spots, and fixed everything with trigger point massage, biofeedback, and muscle strengthening.

      3. Bibliovore*

        I have had it. The number one issue for me was coffee AND I only had one cup a day. Cut out cafienne for almost ten years. Now I have one cup of coffee in the morning or black tea.

    5. Traveling Teacher*

      My doctor was worried I had IC after a string of not-getting-better UTI symptoms some years ago. While I was on the restricted diet, though, I found it really helpful to call ahead and just tell servers that I was on a strict elimination diet (which was pretty much true, I didn’t want to get in to the gory details…) when I had to go out for a couple of friend’s birthdays. They were really nice about it and helped me to double check ingredients and pre-plan my order so that I wouldn’t have to give a big spiel in front of the party group.

      In my case, a couple of months later, it turned out to be a sensitivity to the heavy amount of chlorine in the local tap water! I can’t imagine living with those symptoms long-term—I really hope that your symptoms are decreasing with your treatment plan!

    6. AnonyAnony*

      A few good, reputable resources for information about the condition, treatment options, and diet modifications are IC Network and Confident Choices.

    2. Laura H*

      Sounds like an acceptable way to spend part of a birthday.

      I hope you have a great day- and enjoy the sleep. :)

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Happy birthday! Hope you have a great day. and yes, going back to bed is AWESOME.

      2. Lady Alys*

        Happy Birthday! Agree with Hellanon, 50s have been fab so far! Enjoy the start of yours!

        1. Cristina in England*

          You posted just in time, it will be tomorrow here in less than three hours ;-)

    8. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Happy birthday! I’m getting close; I’m at the point where I’m thinking about whether I want to have a party for my 50th (with more than just my immediate family), and one of my childhood friends has already scheduled hers.

      1. Anon For This.*

        We were supposed to havea big party tonight, but have to postpone because of the weather :-(. I’m a bit down about this, been planning and looking forward to it for ages.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Aw, I hope you can move it to another date without any hitches! Better to have it when everyone can make it safely, right?

    12. Casuan*

      Happy, happy!!

      Do what you want today. At 50 you deserve it!!

      I’m going to celebrate your birthday with some ice cream. Which will be the appetiser for my brunch.
      ;-D

      1. Anon For This.*

        Well since I don’t have to do last minute party stuff I might read a book (without feeling guilty I’m ignoring the kids) , it’s my second favorite thing to do. Enjoy the ice cream, it’s my favorite too!

  10. fposte*

    This might be too work-related (it’s *his* work), but I was really bummed to see that Brian Wansink, the food behavior scientist, is the latest social scientist to get caught goosing his results big time to get noteworthy findings. With Amy Cuddy and the power pose it at least seemed more self-deceit than intention, but with him it seems pretty outright.

    2. Reba*

      Yeah, it does not look good. I wasn’t really aware of his research (I think–it’s likely been reported in the news but I didn’t recognize his name or the ideas when I read about the house of cards coming down). But I feel bad for his students.

      1. Jill*

        I have his book. And was just beginning to think about reading it in more detail and implementing some changes. *sigh*

        1. fposte*

          I do find that some of it works for me; a lot of it accords with the animal training dictum of “make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard,” and he’s very clever in conceiving ways of doing that. He didn’t make up *everything* he did, but it’s going to be tough, without diving into the original scholarly literature and the takedown, to know just what can be relied on and what can’t.

    4. dr_silverware*

      Ugh, I know. I confess at this point I have a hard time trusting social psychology findings at all, particularly when they’re the type to get any press. Though maybe it’s also because social psych was the least rigorous psych course I ever took, and that continues to prejudice me a bit.

    5. neverjaunty*

      At this point in my career, I have cynically come to believe that ethical scientific researchers are in the distinct minority. There’s just too much industry money to be had, and for those who aren’t in the pocket of corporate interests, the pressure is enormous to get publications and page hits.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        Add to that the fact that no journals want to publish negative or inconclusive findings, even though those findings are still invaluable to future research. The system is just broken.

        It’s like the whole world has become clickbait.

        1. fposte*

          I just had a new and trademarked PT treatment suggested to me, and when I decided to go research it I thought about that damn negative results problem.

          1. Dead Quote Olympics*

            There is one publisher that will publish (open access) negative results, but it is of course a minority practice. “PeerJ judges content only on scientific and methodological soundness. It does not, for example, reject articles based on lack of novelty, interest or impact.

            It places an emphasis on research integrity; high ethical standards; and constructive peer-review.”
            It does publish medical articles (although it’s newer and therefore smaller, but with big ambitions.

            This is a legitimate open access publisher, for those aware of the predatory publisher problem.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Right on.
        I try to read the actual study when I can. Some are laughable.
        It’s sad though because there are people out there who have staked their careers or their lives on those studies.

      3. The New Wanderer*

        Or (speaking from experience) having your work not matter because you didn’t solve an intractable problem in 1 year with limited budget and come out with a handy dandy marketable gadget. Sorry, industry, either fund what it takes to actually solve the problem, or be stuck with flashy tech that doesn’t do anything useful.

        Sample interview question: but what products did you make?
        My honest answer: I made a lot of scientifically founded recommendations for next steps. There are no products because nobody cared about the recommendations.

      4. catsaway*

        So do you think that most researchers are intentionally dishonest? I think that’s overblown. Full discolsure, I’m currently on the basic research side of a STEM field but looking to move into more applied directions in the future.

        From what I’ve seen there are a couple of main issues, besides money, that lead to later retracted/disputed results. One is when a field is very new, so people have no idea what they don’t know. This leads to a lot of exploratory studies where results are mostly descriptive and the correlation/causation error can come up. I know people in one new field and I’m certain that some way they are studying/reporting on results now will be shown to be wrong in the future. And I know that when these folks write up their results they are being truthful given what’s currently known but it’s a field where stories can get picked up by the media and that’s where distortions tend to come into play. (Even there I don’t necessarily think there’s intentional distortion of a story of any kind, broader media distortion will happen when you distill a study that probably took at least a year to do into a paragraph).
        Another factor, in regards to repeatability in science, is that very small changes in methods can drastically change results. For example, I heard a story about how 2 cancer researchers tried to replicate their studies, where in theory they were doing the same thing but getting different results, and it turned out that, once they did the protocol side by side that there was one step where they handeled the cells differently and that led to different results. So,was either being dishonest or deceptive in any way? Whose result was correct? Do we even care about that level of repeatability?

        1. Mike C.*

          I always though it would be amazing if there was an AmeriCorp type organization for new grads that was dedicated to repeating the experiments in previously published papers.

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      I saw this and I was so disappointed. His book Mindless Eating was so good and I found it so easy to apply the ideas.

    7. Sylvan*

      Same. I heard a lot about his research in school (around the same time we learned about Paul Rozin, who does all this cool research on eating) and it was very interesting. I’m sad to hear about this.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I love Paul Rozin too! I like his work on disgust–that’s such an interesting human phenomenon.

        1. Sylvan*

          It is! He also has a son who studies music, and he has sort of either been inspired by or collaborated with his son to look at the structure of a meal. He compared it to the structure of a performance. He looked at which parts people were interested in, or which they responded to, and which they remembered most.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, I haven’t seen that–I’ll have to look for it! I’m interested that he has never done the mass-consumption take on his work that so many have–it seems ripe for it, but I can also see a lot of good reason to choose not to do that.

            1. Sylvan*

              He talked about it in a speech, so unfortunately I can’t link to articles. IIRC he talked about publishing something on it. It was neat, though.

              I’ve wondered about that, too.

              I want him to write a book. Not on, like, diet advice, but on international food culture, disgust/enjoyment, and psychology.

    8. Casuan*

      This is disheartening, especially since legitimate results can have such a positive effect. :(

    9. Mike C.*

      The worst part is that all the folks who breathlessly reported on his “findings” likely won’t be there to report on the retractions. And then folks get mad when others report contradictory findings and stop trusting scientists and research institutions all together because to the lay person, what do they know?

      Ugh, f!ck this guy.

    10. Irene Adler*

      Ouch! Not the way to start a Sunday morning.
      Dang, I really enjoyed his work. Not any more.

    11. Owler*

      I highly recommend listening to a recent Planet Money episode on this topic: Episode 677: The Experiment Experiment. It talks about this problem of replication, and how science is driven by publishable results. Positive results get published; negative (No, we didn’t find anything”) don’t. There is also a lack of a pre-registry, so that researchers might expand the scope of testing after starting a project—which can increase the chance of getting a significant event by chance alone.
      https://www.npr.org/sections/money/2018/03/07/591213302/episode-677-the-experiment-experiment

  11. Struggling Domestic Goddess*

    Looking for a large art piece for a big space in our dining room without breaking the bank. My style is pretty modern and I’ve been looking at doing one big piece or even six or nine smaller pieces. It’s the main point when you walk into our house and I’m just stumped and not good at this stuff! I did paint it light gray but that’s it. Any advice or websites would be appreciated.

    2. Espeon*

      I’m a fan of a large piece of artwork – people are sometimes a bit scared of going big in a small or ‘regular’-sized home (assuming that’s what you have) but I think that only helps it to look even better if you’ve got the courage to go bold.

      Why not paint something yourself? It’s way cheaper, you can colour-match to your decor, change it up when you want (paint another), and it makes a talking point. If you like modern anyway, something abstract is totally achievable.

      You can frame other stuff too – a wallpaper you like? Frame it. A fabulous fabric? Frame it.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I looked into DIY wall art and leftover house paint is awesome. I used several colors from our various rooms in one set of canvases so they could go anywhere. I went small though to try it out. I’ve done stenciling on closet doors, but stencil on canvas would be pretty cool as wall art. Hmm…

        Wall paper, fabric, art paper all make good framed objects.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Any trips planned? A lot of places have art galleries at many price levels, and it makes a talking point for that reason, too. (One of my favorites was a big painting in classic Chinese style of crustaceans, which turned out to be done by his mom. But if you don’t have artistic relatives…)

    4. Bluebell*

      Is there an art school in your area that has student sales? That might be an option. Or open studios. Giclee prints would probably be more economical. Most of the art in my house is either posters I picked up in my 20s and just don’t want to give up, combined with prints and paintings from open studios.

    5. fposte*

      I love art and buy both online and at art fairs and sometimes Etsy. I love a big piece, but your challenge is likely to be transportation–it’s going to be costly to ship and may be challenging to get into a vehicle. Some media can be shipped rolled–watercolors, hand-pulled prints, and giclee prints often will be–but they’re less likely to be really big.

      If you look at a site like saatchiart dot com, you can search by size, subject, and color; that might at least start to give you some ideas of what you like, even if you don’t find the exact thing you want to buy. I’d also recommend looking at Etsy, since it sounds like you’re looking more for visual impact than investment quality. But we’re getting into art fair season, and I think that’s really worth considering–you can usually look at least some of the artists up online in advance, you can often arrange a studio visit if you want to look at their full range, and they’re usually really eager to make sales and pack stuff for travel.

      (What roughly is your price range, and how big is big?)

    6. Kj*

      Is there a store that re-sells home stuff? You could hand a door or factory mold or something very modern from there. Could you find a tapestry that you like? Apartment Therapy has some stuff about how to DIY large wall art.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I’ve bought some nice prints of well-known paintings from Posters-dot-com fairly cheaply. (I usually buy what they have on sale.) After I ordered something, I get like 3 emails from them every day and it is like they are always offering 50% off.

    8. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I fully support painting one yourself! You can buy really big stretched canvasas on Amazon or Blick online, and then just cover them with whatever colors you like! You’re still paying a bit for shipping and the cost of the canvas, but saving money and getting something really personalized. And, painting is fun!

      1. fposte*

        I also think if you’re going to do this it’s perfectly kosher to echo something you’ve seen that you like rather than starting completely from scratch. I just searched “How to paint a big canvas” on YouTube and found a bunch of videos that can give you ideas about what techniques produce what kinds of looks.

    9. Book Lover*

      Tapestries are usually reasonably priced and easy to hang cheaply. Cheaper than framing large pieces. Large canvas pieces can be inexpensive depending where you buy.

      1. fposte*

        Ooh–which reminds me that you can get stretcher bars inexpensively from craft stores (if you’re looking for over about 26″ on a side, Amazon has them) and do a fabric hanging. Marimekko is a popular choice for those since they tend to have very big prints, to the point where shops like kiitoslife dot com have preplanned kits for wall hanging (you can also trawl eBay for vintage flavors).

        There’s also at least one Etsy shop that sells really cool furoshiki and hanging kits, which would be a similar approach.

        1. fposte*

          Okay, I am seriously overexcited about your art prospects, but I also wanted to mention artfulhome dot com–it has a lot of giclee and other prints if you’re keeping the price point down but also a lot of other cool stuff, and sometimes it’s worthwhile to separately Google anybody you find there who seems promising; they’ll often have more stuff available on their own site.

    10. Junior Dev*

      Society6 has the option to buy art pieces as wall tapestries; I don’t know if they make them big enough for what you want.

    11. Fiennes*

      Don’t neglect thrift stores! While your average Goodwill may have pretty slim pickings, secondhand shops that are only marginally more upscale sometimes have amazing art on sale for very reasonable prices.

    12. Pam*

      Perhaps something made of cloth? Tapestry, quilt, etc? I have a nice hand-woven piece I got in Vietnam. I hang it over a curtain rod.

    13. Lady Alys*

      Try IKEA?

      (Secretly I want to suggest that you frame all the NASA art-deco planet posters and use them, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your style.)

    14. Struggling Domestic Goddess*

      Y’all are wonderful! I would have never thought of any of these ideas. I’m kind of inspired to paint one myself… I have an unfinished basement so why not.

    15. The New Wanderer*

      Oh, I should have mentioned, all the big art in our house are framed or canvas enlargements from photos we took. You need a high res photo but if you have some ones you really like, it’s a great look.

    16. Jane of all trades*

      I love Joss and Main (its a website) – check it out? They are affordable and I have made good experiences with their products. Plus I find that when I go to a furniture store to get inspired I kinda forget what my home looks like, so shopping online from home helps visualize ;) Good luck!

  12. AvonLady Barksdale*

    The house on our north side finally got rented after being vacant for four months. Our last neighbors were horrible, loud and obnoxious. Anyway, this new neighbor seems very quiet and respectful– he’s a single guy in his 40s or early 50s, and he’s been very nice to us and our dog– but he either has a hoarding problem or he’s using his porch to collect stuff to donate/dump. He’s been there for a week, and every day the porch gets a new “gift”. First it was a haphazard pile of old books. Then it was tubs full of papers. Then it was three or four box fans. Then it was a faux leather loveseat. It doesn’t directly affect me (at this point anyway), but my curiosity is raging right now.

    1. nep*

      What a huge relief to have an apparently quiet and respectful neighbour after dealing with loud, obnoxious ones.
      So is this stuff accumulating on the porch, or is it there for a bit then goes away?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        It’s accumulating, which is why I’m so baffled. At first we just assumed he was cleaning while unpacking and not being very neat about it, but then a truck rolled up, dropped off the loveseat, and left. Then he brought over a station wagon and took stuff out of it, most of which he left on the porch.

        It is definitely nice to have pleasant neighbors, that’s for sure! Our south side neighbors are wonderful, the ones across the street are a pain but manageable. This guy seems fine, it’s just this trash business. Granted, he’s only been there for a very short time, but if the stuff is still there (rotting in the rain) by the end of the month, I’ll be kind of weirded out. (Full disclosure: I am by no means spotless and clutter-free, but hoarding is one of the few conditions I simply do not handle well. Watching the show Hoarders spikes my anxiety.)

        1. nep*

          Well you’ll have to keep us posted. Hope there’s a somewhat reasonable explanation and that it doesn’t turn into a problem.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Hopefully he’s just trying to organize inside and will move everything in soon.

    3. I like French braids*

      Maybe there’s something going on with the house? Like he’s waiting for a repair before moving in too much stuff?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Not likely! He already moved in three U-Haul loads of stuff before the porch stuff appeared. This whole thing fascinates me.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          THREE???

          Hoarding. I’d bet money on it. There are (or were) a few hoardy houses in my neighborhood, although they’ve been cleaned out. One is abandoned and tagged. The board was off the door when I walked by the other day, so either kids have been in it or somebody’s squatting at night.

          *sigh* Crappy houses (including mine) and scattered rubbish seem to be characteristic of this neighborhood. Is it any wonder I don’t pay any attention when I take my walks? There’s nothing to see but paper, liquor shot bottles, syringes, cups, little pieces of paper, and other assorted detritus. Well, the cute pitties make up for it, I guess.

    4. WellRed*

      Call me pessimistic, but people that will pile a bunch of crap on their porch when they move in, are likely to always have a bunch of crap on their porch, especially if it’s winter or winter-ish out now.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        And therein lies my fear.

        Bright side: I can probably use this as a negotiation tool when our lease is up.

    5. Mrs. Fenris*

      Oh, dear. I hate to be That Person, but is there a Code Enforcement in your area? You might be able to call them.

      (This is a subject that is thoroughly giving me the icks right now. A family member turned into a hoarder, totally unknown to the rest of us, and her house was ultimately condemned by her local code enforcement. It was horrible all around.)

    6. Peggy*

      I don’t know about your neighbor but I can tell you why my porch is full of furniture and boxes. I bet my neighbors wonder about us too.

      It’s because we’re renovating our very large old house room by room. Some of the furniture is REALLY heavy and belongs in a room that isn’t ready to be renovated or is in a stage of partial renovation. The porch has a desk, a few chairs, a long dresser, a bureau, some mirrors, a few shelves, and a stack of boxes full of items that will go in those last few rooms.

      We go in and rearrange things and take things out as we finish a room and are ready to furnish us. The porch (only entry point is our dining room, no external doors) is all glassed in on 3 sides with large panels that can be removed in the spring/summer since there are also screens in place. It’s going to be the last space we renovate – we replaced the roof on it last year but still have to replace the ceiling, paint the aluminum siding of the house that makes the 4th wall of the porch, and refinish the floor before we can furnish it. So it’s the perfect place for storage, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT OUR NEIGHBORS PROBABLY THINK WE’RE CRAZY TRASH PEOPLE. :)

  13. Sir Caroline*

    Okay, this is kind of TMI but I’m at the end of my rope.

    I am absolutely done playing host to this unwelcome monthly visitor. I’ve gone through four pairs of underwear 24 hours, and resorted to setting an alarm to wake me up at night at regular intervals to go to the bathroom and clean up the blood, because whatever I use it’s going to leak and I can’t ruin another set of sheets. I’m debating buying a pack of adult incontinence products so I can sleep tonight.

    My question is, does anyone know of a form of (affordable) birth control that will make me lose my period? I’ve opted out in the past because I’d heard it can make your breasts bigger, and I’m 125 lbs and a G cup already, but at this point I don’t care; I just don’t want my life interrupted every month by this horrible houseguest.

    1. Alex*

      Have you been to your doctor? Because that situation could be a sign of a medical condition, like fibroids or other conditions. If that is the case, treating the condition might be your best option.

      I don’t have experience with birth control, but from what I hear, not everyone loses their period with them–some people do, some don’t.

      1. Laura H*

        I second the doc visit suggestion. Even when I was pre-birth control, it wasn’t that bad- but every person’s period is different. Is that how it’s always been for you or is it fairly recent? (No answer needed, just a factor worth acknowledging)

        I’ve been on my regimen for about a year (oral 28 day) and I have not skipped a period yet.

        It prolly varies based on type/ need.

        Good luck

      2. Thlayli*

        I’m a third for having a talk to a doc. Having to change your pad four times a night is not a normal level of flow. I’ve been on the pill and off the pill and regardless of whether I’m using hormonal contraception or not, I’ve never had to change my pad during the night.

        You must be losing so much blood it’s probably dangerous for your health. Please see a doctor.

    2. Anon For This.*

      I can’t do BC so I suffer with the same issues (except I naturally wake up every 2 hours to change during that time). My dr has talked to me about a procedure that will scrap everything out (like, but not a DC, abulation?). But I’m past childbearing years so don’t know if it’s a solution for you. I hope you find something soon, it does affect your quality of life.

      1. Pam*

        I had the ablation after years of problem periods. It permanently removes the lining of your uterus. I have had no periods or problems since in 12 years. It’s usually an outpatient procedure- essentially amore extensive D&C. It does mean you can’t allow pregnancy.

      2. Slartibartfast*

        I’ve had an ablation. I had already had my tubes tied, so no worries about losing my fertility. It was an outpatient, took a little nap and it was over. The recovery wasn’t even half as bad as a regular period at that point, and haven’t had a period since. Bonus, I also no longer get homicidal PMS, no more gas and diarrhea because no more cramps, and my migraines went from 3 to 4 per month to 1 or 2 a year. 10/10, would recommend.

        1. full speed ahead*

          Another who has had the ablation. It was life-changing. If you are done with child bearing, I recommend it 200%. I had the same experience as the other posters – minimal pain after the procedure and NO MORE PERIODS. It’s been 11 years for me amd I’m still thankful. My periods were heavy like yours and my cramps were just terrible. And those also came with stomach upset and diarrhea. All of that is gone and has been.

    3. Reba*

      Consider the hormonal IUD! I haven’t had a period since 2010! (it was light before that, though)

      I’m in the US, it was totally covered by insurance as preventive care. So far they’re good for seven years.

      I’m really an IUD booster so feel free to ask questions. It’s also come up before on open threads so you might look for those.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Seconded. Since I got mine things have been way lighter (not that they were heavy to begin with, but now they’re practically non-existent — I got a diva cup last year and now I hardly need to use it at all).

      3. hermit crab*

        This is my vote too. I had life-disruptingly heavy periods beforehand and now it’s like two days of spotting each month, or sometimes nothing. My life has been made so much easier! I also have not experienced any of the side effects I had on oral contraceptives. YMMV of course, but something to look into.

      4. EB*

        I’m an ovarian cancer survivor– due to unusual circumstances I still have my other ovary. When my period came back after chemo it really came back with a vengeance. I had never had heavier periods in my life, I was actually leaking through heavy pads to underwear like OP describes. I also had extremely painful cramps I’d never had before.

        I had been told in the past by (bad) practitioners that I couldn’t get an IUD because I was childless. Yeah, that’s very much not a thing anymore except in rare cases where your anatomy can’t support the IUD. So if you want an IUD and get push back you may need to see another doctor. YMMV with that, I’m in the midwest so there are a shocking number of doctors that insert their religious beliefs into medicine still, I guess.

        My oncologist was totally on board with it though and I have the mirena now.

        It’s been SO GOOD. I had the nuvaring before and it made my pre-cancer periods heavier and crampier. I’ve had the IUD for a year and I went from bleeding through pads to not needing to buy pads AT ALL. I repeat, AT ALL! Woo! I keep some light day pads around for when I have kind of heavy spotting, but that’s as bad as it gets. There was a transition period (pun intended?) where I still got periods but they were noticeably lighter.

        I can’t recommend the IUD enough!

        1. Slartibartfast*

          In some states, it’s illegal to get an IUD if you aren’t married with at least one kid. I know, because I had a friend who wanted one and her doctor agreed it was her best option, but couldn’t give her one.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I…. don’t think that’s true? Some doctors prefer to only give them to women who’ve had a kid, but there are newer smaller ones meant for nulliparous women. I can’t find any source that there are birth requirements in any US state.

          2. catsaway*

            I really don’t think that’s currently true. I’m pretty sure all the laws on birth control and marital status were done away with a while ago (in the US). Assuming you’re in the US your friends doctor might have been very mistaken.

      5. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

        I have a hormonal IUD and have had a similar experience as others here. It really does help! The big downside for me though is cramping; naturally, I have bad cramps and I’d forgotten about it because I was on the Depo shot for 5 years, which basically got rid of cramps.

        So, while the IUD is great, I personally preferred the experience of the Depo shot, just because it got rid of cramps and actually fully got rid of my period (its still super light/mostly just occasional spotting, but it’s been creeping back since I switched from Depo) so I’m going back to Depo once my IUD runs out of juice in November.

      6. Julianne*

        Loooooove my IUD. I got it a year ago January, and I’ve been loving the period-free life. Insertion was challenging though; I went to my regular doctor and they were not able to insert it with the equipment they had abailable (apparently my cervix is super narrow), so I had to go to the large hospital affiliated with my health care network where they had some more powerful cervix-opening thing (or so I gathered). BUT, it was well worth the hassle and the temporary pain!

      7. Nye*

        Cosigning this all the way! I have a Mirena, and it’s possibly the best thing I have ever done for myself. After years of being period-free, I don’t think I could ever go back. It’s been a massive improvement in my quality of life. Not to mention, planning is so much easier. I backpack and travel for work (fieldwork and conferences), and I don’t have the logistical headaches that come along with, say, having your period in the middle of the woods 50 miles from the nearest bathroom.

        1. hermit crab*

          I so agree with this. If I’d had mine ten years ago, I very well might have continued doing fieldwork (which I loved) instead opting for a more sedentary career.

      8. CheeryO*

        Yep, I’ve had my Mirena for a little over five years and have had zero issues with it. Doesn’t seem to affect my mood like the pill did, and my period is completely gone, although I do have some extremely light spotting here and there. I think there are some smaller hormonal IUDs now, so I’ll probably go for one of those next time since the insertion was pretty painful (but still very much worth it!).

            2. Nye*

              I’ve had mine for nearly 8 years, still going strong. Whenever I get to the “end date”, it keeps getting shifted based on newer research, which is great. Also I pay more attention to the European guidelines, since they’ve historically been much more progressive about IUD use than the US. (Apparently the Dalkon Shield fiasco made Americans pretty nervous about all IUDs.)

          2. Natalie*

            The effectiveness timeframe seems to be longer, FYI. I think the current “official” time is 7 years.

      9. ThatGirl*

        I love my Mirena. Need to get it replaced this year and gonna go for the good drugs this time (insertion was over fast but it really hurt).

      10. Short & Dumpy*

        I have the same problem (along with cramping that leaves me writhing in pain) and am NOT on team iud. I had nothing but problems with mine and basically bled 20 out of 30 days. I let them talk me into leaving it for over 2 years and it never got better.

        I find taking the regular (NOT mini) pill continously works great. I’ve been doing it for a decade and it’s a miracle drug for me. That said, it does very very slightly increase your risk of uterine cancer to take it continously. But, I’ve had multiple doctors agree that for me, a very tiny increase in an originally very low risk is well worth it. Occasionally when we move & I have to find a new doctor, I run into one (universally male & over 60) who tries to telll me it can’t possibly be that bad & it’s not worth any risk. They are assholes & I immediately find a new (usually female) doctor.

        When I’m having issues, I use one of those waterproof mattress pads & white sheets so I can throw the sheets to soak in large amounts of OxiClean in the washing machine during the day. (Doesn’t work with the he front loaders but this house has older appliances anyway)

      11. Elizabeth H.*

        Did any of you with Mirena gain weight (or have trouble losing weight) or have emotional or skin related side effects?

        1. PX*

          I get a very slight outbreak now around when my period would be (a couple of pimples but thats usually it) but my best friend who also has one definitely had more outbreaks with hers. Strangely enough what they recommended for her was to get it changed and a new one put it, which seems to have done the trick?

          I also noticed when mine was new I felt more emotional for about 2-3 months after, nothing massive but as someone who is usually pretty mellow, it was more like…I felt my emotions more? And I felt like they swung a lot more too. But that seems to have settled down now. No weight gain issues but that is one of the common complaints I do see online.

        2. ThatGirl*

          I don’t get my period anymore but I do sometimes still get PMS and it tends to take me by surprise. I did have a bit of an adjustment but nothing big, though I’d been on the pill before that for years.

        3. Girlwithapearl*

          I got a Mirena and had immediate relentless insomnia. I got it out a few weeks later. Bummed! Insertion was a breeze for me.

    4. Molly*

      I don’t think the incontinence products will work because they are made for liquid stuff and a period is thicker. You can try, of course, but I won’t hold much hope.
      I don’t know if you have to pay for your doctor’s appointments but s/he will be able to answer your questions about side effects. There are a lot of different products so it should be possible to find one without the side effects you are dreading.
      (Just an idea: maybe a diva cup will help you? And there are blood-absorbing pants you can buy which I believe also donates something to women in poor countries)

      1. Jill*

        Depends worked perfectly for me postpartum- I imagine they would work well for a period too. (They also worked great when I was in labor and my water broke… I had to change every 10-15 min but that was the best option I had!)

    5. Nicole76*

      I second Alex’s comment below about first seeing a doctor to rule out a medical condition. I realize everyone is different, but that sounds like an awful amount of bleeding.

      As for your question – I found this on Google:

      Lybrel is a no-period birth control pill. It is the first low dose birth control pill designed to be taken 365 days, without a placebo or pill-free interval. Seasonale has 12 weeks of estrogen/progestin pills, followed by 7 days of no-hormone pills — which means 4 menstrual periods a year.

      Good luck!

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I third the idea of going to the doctor. That is pretty serious bleeding.

        I take the pill for BC and to treat my PCOS. My periods were never really that bad before (and were actually nonexistent for a few years thanks to my condition) but they are might lighter now. I take a generic form of Seasonique which means I only have 4 periods a year, which is plenty. I have noticed some side-effects like weight gain and breast tenderness, but it’s better than letting androgens wreak havoc on my system. :3

    6. Chris*

      I had luck years ago with the injection- I didn’t lose my house guest every month, but the months it did make an appearance it was super light and only lasted a day or two.
      Hope you find something that works for you!

    7. dr_silverware*

      That’s really heavy! I’d check with your doctor first of all—bring up anemia in particular.

      A hormonal IUD can really very much reduce blood flow. Also maybe consider a diva cup/moon cup. It might not be quite enough for the amount of flow you have but may help with management.

      1. Elf*

        Yeah, I have never been as heavy as that, but I always had a thing where it would be super heavy for like a day, almost stop for a day or so, then be very heavy again at the end, which was unpredictable enough to lead to a lot of wrecked underwear. I’ve found that a cup in combination with a heavy pad will deal with anything for 12 or so hours, so even if you bleed a lot more it might still let you get 8 overnight.

    8. CatCat*

      Do you have medical insurance in the U.S.? The pill should be covered, if so.

      If not, check out whatever discounts may be available through pharmacies near you. When I was uninsured, I was was able to get generic birth control pills at RiteAid through a discount they offered for under $20/mo.

      My period has never gone away on this pill (even if I don’t take a break in them), but it lightened them tremendously. I used to have really heavy periods and now they are more moderate/light and also last for a shorter period of time. It can take several months to get those results, but imo, it has been worth it. I only take the pills to control the my period!

    9. Nonnon*

      I don’t know about affordable, because I’m in the UK, but progesterone-only hormonal bc can stop/reduce bleeding and doesn’t have the effects of breast growth. I’m a trans man and before I went on testosterone I used the progesterone implant and it worked pretty great for me.

      I’d suggest getting it checked out by a doctor in case there’s something else going on, though, because that sounds like an alarming amount of blood.

      1. Anon for health stuff*

        Just want to say that different BCs have different effects on different people because I currently have the progesterone arm implant and I have been bleeding for like 7 months straight and did have a slight increase in breast size. The amount of blood is typically very low, but it’s been almost every single day, which is annoying. It did get rid of my absolutely horrendously bad cramps and I’m happy with how my boobs look, so I’d say it’s been a net positive but I was really hoping for a complete loss of my period which has obviously not happened.

        1. Nonnon*

          Yeah, my first implant cleaned everything right up, but my second implant (which was apparently the exact same thing but had a different applicator or whatever it’s called so had a different name) did cause nonstop slasher film underpants until I doubled up with the progesterone-only pill. From there on until I started taking T (and thus stopped using hormonal BC) I didn’t have any bleeding.

        2. Implant advice*

          If you have prolonged bleeding on the implant, you can ask your healthcare provider for a short course of BC pills with estrogen. The estrogen stabilizes the lining of your uterus and stops the bleeding. (I used to work in an OB/GYN office and the doc prescribed this often)

          1. Anon for health stuff*

            I also get aura migraines so based on what I have read estrogen is not recommended because it can increase the chance of having a stroke. I’m planning on going in to chat with my doctor soon to see if there are any other options, but I can live with the bleeding if not.

            1. Implant advice*

              Maybe progesterone-only pills would work too, based on what Nonnon said above. I hope you and your doctor can talk through the options and find a solution!

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Hormonal birth control can absolutely level out a lot of things, including too heavy flow and too long periods. I had really long, really heavy, horrible crampy periods throughout my teens, and going on the pill (because I was seriously dating someone) was a revelation. Damn. I wish I had mentioned these problems to a doctor, years ago, and they had said “Oh there it totally a well-tested treatment for that, you don’t need to just bleed through and take it.” Generic pills (or shot or inserts or whatever) should be very affordable–on our eh insurance they are free, and generics should be cheap. Planned Parenthood is a great affordable (sliding scale) source of women’s reproductive health care, exam and bc prescription.

      As for side effects–some people get none, some people get positive ones, some people get negative ones. That last group is small but if you’re in it, try a different formulation. (For example, some people do have a diminished sex drive. Twice as many have an increased one. And most people have no change. But it’s the first group who get hauled out in “oh noes not the pill” discussions.)

      In the meantime, find a collection of Connie Willis short stories and read Even the Queen, which deals with this exact problem.

    11. HannahS*

      Yeah, I’m on one called Lolo which is a fairly low-dose, but I take it continuously and at most I have a wee bit of spotting for a day or two. I barely need pads/tampons and can get by with just pantyliners. I don’t know how much it costs in the States though. I definitely used to take one (Alesse maybe?) where I recall that the generic was 7$. Talk to your doc, explain that you need something cheap, and hopefully they’ll have ideas. I used to go around with a heavy flow pad and a tampon and have to change them at least every 2 hours, so I feel you. To sleep, I’d basically plaster my underwear with pads and it would still leak! I would have no un-stained underwear, because my periods lasted for so long that I couldn’t have period-dedicated underwear. Tampons helped a lot. In terms of saving your sheets, I can also suggest laying a big, dark-coloured bath towel down and sleeping on that.

      1. Molly*

        Oh, to the last one: you can buy incontinence sheets which is just for one use and then you can throw it away.

    12. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      First, doctor visit, STAT. You need to at least rule out physical causes.

      IUDs can have that effect, the ones with a small amount of hormones. They can stay in for several years at least (depends on the type). Some versions of the pill do as well.

      Re the sheets – assuming you still have the ruined set(s), just use those. If it’s already ruined, a little more isn’t going to matter. Throw an old towel down to protect the mattress if you need to. It’s ok to have clothes and sheets that you only use during your period.

      1. Clever Name*

        Definitely. Before I went on birth control I kept old underwear to use as my period panties.

      2. Observer*

        Definitely to both. Please see your doctor IMMEDIATELY. And if you don’t get a serious and respectful response, find another doctor.

        Sometimes birth control is a good method for controlling the problem, but even then often having a diagnosis for the underlying problems is useful.

    13. Betsy*

      I’m on Microgynon and it stops my periods, at least if I take it continuously, skipping the sugar pills . I’ve been told by my doctor that that’s fine for me to do.

      I think it may have made my breasts a little bigger, but really not by much. It seems to have cleared up a lot of awful lower abdomen bloating I had, on the other hand.

    14. ainomiaka*

      sympathy. I can at least get through the night with an ultra tampon (they make sizes about super +! That was a revelation for me) and a huge overnight maxi pad layered together. That’s the only thing that works the first few days. And really the only advice I can offer. I see all the continuous hormones. My personal experience with that was that it did lower the intensity of the flow, but at the cost of basically 6 months of continuous bleeding before I got fed up. YMMV.

    15. Kj*

      Go to the doctor. If you are in the states, your insurance MUST cover birth control. I had AMAZING results from an IUD, loved it so much.

    16. FrontRangeOy*

      An IUD helps many women.

      I have implant BC (“toothpick” implanted in my arm) – the adjustment period can be pretty rough but 3 to 4 months in, everything settled down and it’s great.

    17. Odelie*

      I’m sorry- I feel your pain. That’s why I miss being on the pill- it didn’t stop my periods, but it definitely made them lighter and more tolerable. (And cleared up my acne!) As others have said, it might be helpful to see your doctor about it. There are generic options which are definitely cheaper!

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I miss the acne-clearing from the pill SO MUCH. The IUD is not nearly as effective for that. My doc had to put me on a super low dose of accutane to help, because my face (and back, and neck, and hairline…) was out of control. My teens were a while ago, and not so awesome I want to relive them.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            Ehhhh? It’s ok. Things aren’t getting worse, which I guess is a good thing. I mostly keep forgetting to take it, since it’s only twice a week. I haven’t noticed any negative side effects, it’s a really low dose (10mg/ twice a week).

    18. Ali G*

      I agree with seeing your doctor. She/he is also the person that can recommend a pill or IUD that can work for you. I have chronic issues so I can’t do an IUD, but I take a 90-day pill so I only have 4 periods per year. They’ve gotten much lighter, although every once in a while I’ll have a really heavy period.
      Modern pills are much lower dosages that previously so I wouldn’t worry about your breasts getting bigger – but if you are worried make sure you ask your doc about that too.

    19. Kuododi*

      I’m afraid I can’t give specific recommendations as my experience with BCP was back at the dawn of time. ;). I also had nightmare periods and was on BCP the majority of my life until the cancer DX and hysterectomy. (I will spare y’all the details!!!). I will also strongly recommend a check up ASAP. Mine finally caught a raging case of previously undiagnosed PCOS as well as uterine CA. I would suggest you look into the big box stores…(Costco, Sam’s) Their pharmacies do not require club membership and offer significant savings for out of pocket drug expenses. (ie I get an anti nausea med at my local Costco pharmacy. Retail price for 30day supply…$150. Costco price, $23.). Best wishes!!!

    20. Clever Name*

      Do you have insurance? I think hormonal birth control is still free if you have insurance. But I agree with the others, I’d see a doctor, as a period that heavy may be a medical symptom.

    21. Red Reader*

      I’ve been on Depo since 2002 (yes, I know the recommendations, I have been under a doctor’s care the whole time, doc and I are fine, not willing to discuss that part) and can count the number of periods I’ve had since 2004 on one hand. It’s been glorious. (I’m horrific at remembering to take pills, so I wanted something that required much less effort from me, and I had other issues making an IUD not an option.)

      1. dawbs*

        I know so many people who have hated Depo…and I would chop off my left pinky if I could go back on it again. (Can’t. or, at least, it wouldn’t be wise for a bunch of medical reasons)
        It eliminated periods, masked migraines, didn’t affect my drives or weight–all around it was awesome. (It did take me a year+ to get back my fertility once I went off-as I was warned when I went on)
        Not that it doesn’t have a reason for some people to hate it–and I do understand why people hesitate to take something they’ll be stuck with for 3 months if they hate it, but man, it was great for me.

    22. INTP*

      Most birth control pills can make your period much lighter or be taken without an off week to make it go away. If you have US health insurance, several should be available for free, or some have very cheap generic cash prices. (Others are not so cheap even in generics so research what will be affordable for you before asking a doctor.)

      There are of course other options like hormonal IUDs and I’m not suggesting BCP are better, just suggesting them as the simplest and possibly cheapest option.

    23. EN*

      Definitely talk to your doctor. I also recommend “The Period Repair Manual” by Dr. Laura Briden. Before going on birth control, I had very heavy periods and terrible cramps. At least once or twice a year, they would be so bad, I’d see stars and nearly pass out. Her book helped me realize how not normal that was and identify some potential contributors to the problem. In most cases, she heavily pushes non-hormonal birth control (copper IUD, etc.) because it will still allow your body to ovulate, but that’s not the best solution for heavy bleeding and bad cramps. I’ve been on the Skyla IUD (smaller version of Mirena) for a year and it has made a huge difference for me. I’d tried the Nuvaring and a few different pill options before, and I’ve had the fewest side effects and lightest periods on Skyla.

    24. Superman’s Wife*

      I’m on blood thinners due to a clotting disorder, which also prevents me from using any type of hormonal birth control. My periods are a mess and very heavy. I use Depends and they have been a life savior. No more leaks or ruined underwear! I highly recommend them.

    25. Melody Pond*

      First, I second all the suggestions to go see a doctor. I went to go see a naturopath, specifically, because I was looking for ways to reduce the intensity of my period without introducing hormonal birth control.

      (The naturopath I saw suggested the Gaia Herbs brand of Vitex Berry. Two pills a day, every day, all the time. It took a couple months to build up in my system, but really helped. She also made several suggestions relating to changes in my diet that have helped.)

      Second – I completely understand the frustrations around periods that are just way too effing heavy to deal with, without destroying your underwear/clothing/sheets/towels/etc. Have you looked into reusable menstrual products? Depending on your anatomy, there are menstrual cups out there with amazing capacity – but even better, there are huge cloth pads out there (like, post-partum sized), with waterproof backings and insane levels of absorbency, like way more than you could ever get with a disposable pad. I also find they are way more comfortable to wear than disposable pads, particularly when you’re sleeping.

      There are also types of period-specific underwear out there, made with waterproof linings. THINX is kind of expensive because it’s also absorbent, but I believe Anigan makes a brand of period-specific underwear that is not absorbent, just waterproof and a great back-up to something like a cloth pad.

      I used to be really squicked out by the idea of reusable cloth pads, until one day I realized that I bleed on my underwear all the time, wash it/stain treat it, and then wear it again. So that’s not really much different. Also, my mom used cloth diapers, and cloth diapers seemed like a completely normal thing, and I find those, um, bodily substances to be WAY more squicky than blood.

      Good luck!

      1. Karen the Librarian*

        Thank you for recommending the Gaia Herbs Vitex Berry. I’m at my wits end with my period like Sir Caroline, but am TTC, so no birth control for now. I’m willing to try anything at this point and am ordering it now!

        1. An anon*

          Hey, I would do some research on the ingredients and consult your doctor before taking anything new while trying to get pregnant. If this stuff does anything, it’s going to be affecting your hormones or uterine lining or whatever… and that could potentially affect the likelihood of conceiving (and the health of any resulting pregnancy, because it seems likely there’d be a period during which you could be taking it before you know you’re pregnant). Be cautious with herbal supplements that haven’t been rigorously scientifically vetted!

    26. Red*

      Go to your doctor and ask for a cheap generic pill. Then just skip the hormone-fee week. That’s what I did and I haven’t had one single period in years.

      1. An anon*

        FYI if you didn’t know about it, there’s a generic, year-round pill with no inactive pills, available in the US (at least)! The brand name is lybrel, and the generic (or possibly one of multiple generics) is called amethyst.

    27. IT Squirrel*

      Lots of suggestions already, but I wanted to chime in and say – if you try one and it doesn’t work, don’t give up. Just try something else! Everyone is different and it may take a little bit of trial and error to get the mix of hormones or find the right product or treatment that works for you, and it may take a while to settle into each one. It may also change over time so you might have to revisit even after you find the one that works. Don’t despair! There will be something that works for you even if it takes a while to find :)

      1. Short & Dumpy*

        THIS!!!!!

        What is one woman’s dream solution, will make things infinitely worse for someone else (case in point, the IUD for me…I’d quite possibly kill myself if I was forced to have one of those because I was in agony 20 of 3o days for the entire time it was in)

        At least until they manage to repeal ACA, birth control is still totally covered so most of these options will be very affordable.

    28. Perilous*

      Lots of great ideas here (I’m team Mirena myself), so I’d like to address the affordability part. I had this exact issue, and when I couldn’t find an ob-gyn who was accepting new patients, it suddenly hit me that this is exactly what Planned Parenthood is for. I think I paid about $300 (sliding scale) for my implantation, which comes out to $60/year.

    29. Nails PhD*

      Definitely talk to a doctor first to rule out things that are problems vs. things that are just horrific periods. I am so, so sorry you have to deal with this.

      I am a long time (10+ yrs) user of continuous dose birth control pills (on a low-dose pill, just skip the placebo line until I have breakthrough bleeding, ~7 months at a time). I love it and it’s never given me issues. I would strongly suggest trying continuous dose pills for a while for a while, simply because they’re easier to jump on and off of than an IUD, but the hormonal IUDs (including the new ones targeted for the non-child-bearing of us) or Nexplanon will likely also do what you want. FWIW, continuous dose can be done with lots of BCP as long as they only have one dose level throughout the month, you don’t need a brand name pill.

      I’m not sure if this has been mentioned (I skimmed), but if your doctor/OBGYN provider pushes back against the idea that you shouldn’t have to deal with this, FIND ANOTHER PROVIDER. This is a problem for you and you have the right to have it fixed if an urgent medical cause cannot be identified.

      1. Betsy*

        I agree about pushing back if your doctor doesn’t agree. I had one horrible woman who was extremely reluctant to give me birth control despite a previous diagnosis of a condition that’s very similar to endometriosis. Other doctors have had no problem at all with prescribing the pill.

        The first doctor really irked me at the time, because I was in so much pain, yet if I’d gone in and just said I wanted to have heaps of unprotected sex with a partner, she probably would have had to prescribe it to me.

    30. WillyNilly*

      I used Seasonale (a Pill) for years. 4 periods a year, and they are super light – like pantyliner only. No weight gain or breast increase for me. I truly lived it and as soon as my youngest stops breastfeeding I will be resuming it without hesitation.

    31. WideAwake*

      Yes! I haven’t had a period in 10 years. I took DepoProvera injections every 3 months for 7 years (my hubby injected me in the hip), and have been on Heather BC pills for the last 3 years. Both of these are recommended if you have a history of blood clots in your family.

    32. Belle di Vedremo*

      Not what you asked, but I learned fairly late that hydrogen peroxide takes blood out of fabric. I’ve done multiple applications when necessary, without running the item/s in question through the dryer. Just be careful as it can also bleach out color, but it’s been great for keeping necessaries in better order.
      Hope you find a good solution to your issue.

      1. Teach*

        Table salt is also very effective! Wet with a little cold water, dump on heaps of salt, let absorb, rinse with cold water, blot/wring, repeat salt until clean.
        This was very handy knowledge on Prom Night circa 1991 when my bff and I met a sobbing girl in a white beaded gown in the bathroom at dinner…

    33. Close Bracket*

      You want a form of hormonal birth control with constant hormone levels. You have several choices, and they don’t all make your breasts bigger. I’ve been through a few, and I’m the same size.
      You can take monophasic pills continuously. Monophasic means they have the same levels during all the weeks, unlike triphasics, which increase the progesterone each week. Continuously means you throw away the dummy pills at the end of the cycle. If you are taking a regular four week supply, you will need more than the usual 12 refills. If you are using insurance, this can be a problem. You will probably have to talk to the insurance company and also to the pharmacist to get refills every three weeks instead of every four weeks.
      Some brands come in a three month cycle, so you only have dummy pills every three months, or four times a year. You could skip those dummy pills as well, and you would have to talk to your doctor about making sure you have 52 weeks worth of pills. A lot of women experience in later. On birth control pills regardless, so you might be OK with four periods per year.
      Another option is the implant or the IUD. While birth control pills have both estrogen and a progesterone, The implant and hormonal IUD’s have only progesterone. Most women experience later periods, but they don’t always go completely away.
      A copper IUD will not work! It will probably make things worse. You need hormones.
      A third option is Nuvaring. This is a hormonal he implanted ring which sits inside your vagina near your cervix. It contains both estrogen and progesterone. You get a new one every month. Standard usage is to leave it in for three weeks and leave it out for one week. To stop your periods, you would use it continuously for four weeks and put a new one in immediately. Nuvaring is really expensive, but it’s really awesome.
      I’m not sure whether the patch is still available. There were some problems with it, And I can’t remember whether that resulted in new prescribing guidelines or if it’s just not on the market at all anymore. The patch is a sticky patch, like a smoking cessation patch, That you stick on your body. You replace it every week. You would have to talk to your doctor about making sure you had 52 weeks worth of prescriptions.
      The implant, the IUD, and Nuvaring are the only ones that don’t cause a problem with the number of refills your doctor orders.
      Good luck!

  14. Alex*

    Anyone for a “making friends after 30” post? I know this is talked about a lot on here.

    I’m feeling really bummed because someone I thought was becoming a good friend over the past six months has seemed to lose interest in our friendship. I find that in my post-30s, post having-roommates life, I can’t keep up the momentum of friendships without feeling like I’m pestering someone. The last real friend I made was a roommate, and before that all my friends were from school programs. How do you do this in Real Life?

    1. Kat*

      I’ll bite! I had a similar issue with a friend recently, except he was my friend for years. I guess a new girlfriend is much more exciting! I never had roommates, really, and didn’t go out much at university, so I’ve never had a big circle. Other than work, I’ve found the only way to really meet people is to go to a class or do something you enjoy that involves others (e.g. I’m considering a running group) and that way you’re already entertaining yourself and you end up eventually chatting to likeminded people. I find this takes time so don’t expect it overnight, but it is possible. I still haven’t got that many friends, but that’s my current approach (as I say, it takes time!).

      1. Alex*

        The problem I find I encounter isn’t meeting other people, it’s getting over the hump of “person I know from X” to “person who is my friend.” As in, someone you go out with and talk to and have a friendship with.

        I thought I’d gotten over that hump with this woman, but she said she was busy the last time I invited her out (and the time before that was also at my invitation), and then she never reciprocated/brought it up again. So I feel like I have to let it drop, and I’m so bummed. I really wanted us to be friends.

        1. Betsy*

          I feel this too. I think I’ve put quite a bit of effort into trying to cultivate relationships, but a lot of them fizzle out. Or they’ll be friends for a year or so, but then disappear. I don’t think I’m doing anything objectionable, and I’m generally quite sensitive to others’ feelings.

          My perception has been that many people at our age are happy with their pre-established friendships from high school or college or spending time with partners. So I don’t really take it that personally anymore, because so many people I know don’t actually need new friends. I find befriending people who are new to cities can be good, and the activist groups I’ve been involved with have been great for meeting people.

          Sometimes I want to give up, though. I’m in a space in life where I’d love new friends, because I’m single and some old friends have moved away or drifted away recently.

          1. Tris Prior*

            This sounds familiar. Boyfriend and I were just talking today – hours before his planned milestone birthday party that we’re terrified no one who RSVP’ed is actually going to show up to – about how we’ve had trouble turning “occasionally hang out” friends into more meaningful friendships. A lot of our budding friendships fizzle out. But I think the main thing that bugs us is that it seems like we’re doing all the inviting and suggesting…… but it’s rarely reciprocated. We think of inviting others to things, but no one thinks of us.

            At one point during our conversation I said something like, “the problem is, we don’t know how to get people to CARE about us!” And then I realized how codependent and needy that sounded. But really, what we are missing in life now is local people whom we can share things with and whom we can count on (and vice versa). We have people like this but they have all moved away to places that are cheaper to live and have less harsh winters. I can’t say I blame them.

        2. hermit crab*

          it’s getting over the hump of “person I know from X” to “person who is my friend.”

          Ooh, I feel ya on this. I am involved in a bunch of volunteering/community activities so I feel like I know – and am friendly with – lot of people. I know general things about their lives and have a pleasant time spending time with them in the context of whatever activity we’re doing. But it is always “Jane from the museum” or “Jane from the League of Women Voters” and not “I’ll call my friend Jane and see if she wants to get coffee.”

        3. Kat*

          Is there an upcoming event you could invite her to? A group thing? Maybe give her one more chance (a decent time after the previous invitation) and then let it go. Only because some people really are not great at planning or reciprocating.

          My problem definitely *is* meeting other people outside work.

          1. Alex*

            Ok, I have to come clean and say that this person is from work…..which is why I don’t want to put extra pressure on her to be my friend if she doesn’t want to, because we do need to have a comfortable working relationship.

            I do somehow manage to “meet” people. I’ve taken classes and been chatty with people, or even people who live in my neighborhood. I’ll chat for 20 minutes when I spontaneously meet someone who is taking out the trash at the same time as me, but somehow that’s always the end of the interaction…

            Definitely for sure you have to make an effort to interact with people if you want to see people you don’t work with and you live alone.

            1. Kat*

              It’s hard though! Cause even if you chat to someone taking out the rubbish you have to think of a way to link that to doing something else, or ending the conversation with something that opens things up, and that isn’t always easy.

              Yeah, I try to take classes to meet other people. Even if they don’t end up best friends with me, it’s nice to interact with others.

        4. The Senior Wrangler*

          Definitely know the feeling here. I go out and do plenty of stuff but finding someone who you can just invite round for a glass of wine and a chat in the evenings is surprisingly difficult.

        5. INTP*

          This is my deal too. I feel like usually people cross this hump in contexts where there’s a sense of community building, like in churches and parents with kids at the same schools, sometimes roommates or coworkers. I’ve met acquaintances, had fun and gotten out of the house through topical meet ups or taking classes but people aren’t really in a making-new-close-friends frame of mind there in my experience, it’s not a good way to build a social circle especially when you aren’t someone that just easily forges connections with people everywhere you go.

          I don’t have a religion, kids, coworkers, or roommates and the “new in town” meetups are hard for me to go to (restaurants above my price range, downtown where I have to take a train that runs once an hour to get to). I’m kind of stuck, thinking about trying Bumble BFF or something instead of group activities.

    2. Espeon*

      I don’t really have advice, only commiseration(?). I’ve accepted that if – goddess forbid – anything happened to my H2B, I would become that old lady that no one notices has died for three months. I’m blissfully introverted and chronically independent – utterly screwed in the long run basically!

      I have no idea how people get human friends, let alone convince them to stay! Propped shoebox with a bit of cheese? Do you have to keep the windows closed so they don’t escape? Are they self-cleaning? What do they eat??

      2. Sylvan*

        Haha. +1, minus the SO.

        I joined a bunch of clubs in college, but the clubs for adults in my city are significantly less cool. :'(

    3. Triple Anon*

      I don’t know. I have noticed the same thing. People in their 30’s and 40’s, generally speaking, seem more reluctant to make new friends. I think it’s because that phase of life brings an intense focus on family and career. They’re becoming successful professionally and/or raising children or helping relatives raise their children (being the cool aunt/uncle who’s there every weekend) or there’s another big commitment that takes up a lot of their time and energy. It’s not the people; it’s the phase of life.

      So I’ve been befriending older and younger people. In doing so, I meet other people my age who are also looking to make new friends. It helps if you meet people through common interests that bring people together across all age groups. The older I get, the less I identify with my chronological age anyway. I mean that there are more important things. And I think my life is better, having people of all ages in it.

        1. Former Employee*

          If anyone lives in the Los Angeles area and wants to get together for an AAM Fest (I just made that up), let me know. I am the older person, probably your mom’s age and a definite introvert. However, I think it would be fun to have a random group gather and use AAM as a jumping off point.

          Of course, I have no idea ow anyone would contact me since I don’t want to post my real nam/email address online. Hmmm…

          1. Not That Jane*

            Take a look at the way the Captain Awkward meet ups work! I bet you could set it up pretty anonymously (so only the people who show up would know your real name).

          2. Someone else*

            The way I’ve seen this done you don’t even necessarily need to give your name or email. You could just designate a very specific location (like…the fountain in front of the BLAH BLAH building on WHATEVER St) and a time, and then people just sort of congregate and folks basically just show up and say “Are you here for the AAM meetup” and if a person says “yep” great you found each other, and if they say nope, you just keep waiting until others show up who are.

      2. Alex*

        It is true that a lot of the people I used to be close to now have families and not only does that take their time, but I feel like I just don’t relate to them in the same way. One even told me that she just wants to be friends with other moms now.

        I think one thing is that people my age (mid 30s) tend to be focused on DOING THINGS. Raising a family, working on a career, even volunteering or just being involved. So much energy is put into these activities that there’s not the emotional bandwidth for establishing new relationships other than their SOs and children and family members.

      3. Nina*

        IA. I’ve been trying to be closer friends with the people I work with, but their either engaged, or they have kids. Neither of which apply to me at the moment, so we don’t have much in common right now. And I kind of feel like I have arrested development since I’m not there yet.

    4. Nicole76*

      That’s a good question. I can relate to feeling like you’re pestering someone. I don’t consider myself a particularly needy friend but everyone I hang out with doesn’t seem particularly interesting in “keeping up the friendship” via messaging/text between hanging out in person (which tends to only happen a handful of times a year as it is). I’ll try to start a conversation but they tend to give very short answers with nothing said to move the conversation forward so I give up. It’s possible they just aren’t big texters, but I wish I could keep a never-ending open chat with some of them like I have with my husband and one brother but I get the sense I’m bothering them so when I see something that reminds me of them or that they might like more often than not I don’t bother saying anything.

      It’s a delicate balance, of course. I had this one coworker friend about 18 years ago who I’d chat with all day at work and on breaks/lunch who also wanted to talk for hours on the phone after work. It got to the point where I wouldn’t pick up the phone. Instead of leaving a message she’d just keep calling back. No thank you! Like I said, I don’t need to talk to anyone daily, but it would be nice to keep up inbetween events where we see each other in person.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My boss suggested we play Scrabble. If I ever get a phone that works here. (We get along well and we both know she will win. But it will be fun anyway.)
        But maybe someone will play a game like that with you.

    5. Little bean*

      Haha I’m planning a wedding now and my mom was confused about why the guest list is so small. I’m like, those are all my friends, Mom! They’re all from high school or college. I haven’t done this but I think the best way to make friends is to have some regular activity where you see the same people a lot. For the fiance, most of his friends are from his softball team.

    6. PX*

      So first option is things specifically geared towards meeting new people and making friends aka Meetup. I’ve found it depends a lot on the specific groups and and areas, sometimes you need to go several times before you find someone you click with or till people ‘open up’ as it were. Bumble (BFF) is also an app geared towards making friends.

      But basically once you meet someone who you seem to click with, dont be shy about putting yourself out there. I’m usually happy to just say: ‘You seem like fun and I’d like to keep in touch. Can we exchange numbers?’; and then usually invite them for dinner/drinks once or twice, see if it gets reciprocated and see if you can actually keep having a good conversation. If they respond positively and you enjoy their company – yay, new friend! If not, repeat the cycle. Am currently on the cusp of asking someone from a class I’m taking if she wants to hang out sometime because we seem to get along quite well and I always like new friends.

    7. Odelie*

      I’ve met people through work, classes, professional organizations/associations. You could also volunteer and meet people that way. I’m very introverted, so it’s hard- it’s helpful to befriend someone extroverted who can connect you to other people. I’ve never been to meetups or anything like that, but that could be another way.

      As others have noted, try to be patient as it can take awhile. Some people might drift away, while others may stay.
      I prefer closer friendships with few people, but this isn’t always possible. (Those take time and people can be busy with families, kids, life, etc.) So I’ve had to change my expectations a little.

    8. Not That Jane*

      Yeah! It can be hard. I agree that the barrier for me isn’t in meeting people, but in going from acquaintance to friend. For me, part of it was in redefining what friendship was… so, in college it was seeing someone multiple times a week for meals, hangouts, study sessions, etc. Now, on the other hand, I only see my closest friends once a month, and less close friends maybe a few times a year, or more frequently but in larger groups. I still find it really satisfying. I just try to make sure I have at least one social event per week.

      As for how to get there…. I did find that just putting myself out there, a la, “I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you, do you want to hang out again sometime?” has helped me go from acquaintances to friends. People kind of love being told that their company is enjoyable. And if they don’t respond with an enthusiastic yes, well, it does sting a bit, but there are also other people to hang out with.

      1. Alex*

        I think it is especially hard for introverts like me. Not only do introverts not tend to put themselves out there, but the kind of interactions that are satisfying are harder to develop. Like, I don’t want a friend where we just go see a movie or talk about our favorite books or something. I like friends where we have in-depth conversations about The Meaning of Life and stuff. I tend to want to just jump into those kinds of friendships really quickly because I’m so uncomfortable with the “let’s talk about our favorite books” level of friendships. I think that may be where I go wrong…most people need time to get there.

        I do have one of these friends, but she lives far away. I talk to her a lot, but it isn’t the same as having someone you can see in person.

        1. Kat*

          See, my introversion definitely doesn’t want to be that in-depth with someone I don’t know very well. I’ll quite happily circle around the ‘shallower’ chats before I get to the more ‘personal’ stuff. I don’t think being introverted makes it harder, necessarily. I’m sociable and I can make small talk pretty easily.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          The Meaning of Life Stuff gets ever scarcer with age. I am in my mid 50s and I frequently meet people who do not want to sort it all. Their parent was crappy, they got a way from that and no point to talking about it.
          They have other reasons for not wanting to review life, such as a bad car accident, loses in deaths, big fires and so on.

          So yes, people need time to get to the point where they will talk about the meaning of life, but some folks never will. With these folks what you see is what you get.

          Definitely brush up on talking about day-to-day stuff. This actually opens a bigger door in some ways. I learned how to fix my old fridge when it peed on the floor. I also learned the best place to buy appliances when the washer went. I found a little trick to keep my dog from slipping his line.
          It’s almost like trading how-tos replaces the Meaning of Life conversations. Ironically, people can be so damn helpful, it’s like finding the Meaning of Life. “Just help me with Current Issue”. In my mind reading this blog almost verifies my theory. Readership keeps going up and up. I believe in part because people are finding some types of answers so they can move their lives forward in the ways they choose.

    9. Overeducated*

      I’ve come to think that the pace of friendships in your 30s is much, much slower than when you’re younger. People have more obligations, tend to live further apart (vs seeing each other every day in school, or living on campus or group apartments downtown), go to bed earlier on weeknights, and generally just have to squeeze most of the social life stuff in amidst errands on weekends. Groups splinter more so you can’t see a bunch of people at once as easily. I used to see my good friends at least every week or two, now it’s more like every couple months at best, or even a few times a year. We schedule dinners nd such weeks out. Iand one od my husband’s old friends do most of the reaching out of everyone we know, and honestly people are glad we do because otherwise we’d see each other even less. I don’t take one “I’m busy then” and a lack of reciprocation as a sign someone doesn’t care about being friends, in most cases, and will often reach out next time if they seem generally interested.

      I know this sounds kind of grim but I’m saying it to say I think the rules are different now and you may not be doing as badly as you think. Just keep trying, eventually it makes a difference.

      1. Betsy*

        Thanks for this! It’s reassuring. People often tell me it’s hard to make friends in your thirties, but I still need reminding more often that it’s not just me.

      2. Elf*

        I would find this reassuring, except that I’ve been stunningly unsuccessful at making friends at all ages.

    10. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I have an extremely gregarious friend who approaches this the way most people approach dating: if she meets someone she clicks with, she’ll straight-up say “I’m always looking for more friends, and you seem like someone I’d like to spend more time with – would you like to go for a coffee next week?” When I asked her about it she’s like “but I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t do this! They do it if they meet someone they think they might want to sleep with!” I met her through work, but she has a huge group of friends who she met on a bus five years ago or at the supermarket or at a class.

      I don’t have her confidence, sadly, but I’ve done things like invite potential new friends to join my book club or a board game day I was planning with existing friends – something low-key and in a group – and see where it goes from there. I recently met and really clicked with the wife of one of my husband’s work friends, and after she came to book club for the first time we made plans for coffee with just the two of us. Other times it hasn’t worked out but that’s OK.

      I also work in an industry where people move a lot, often for 2 or 3 year contracts, and you get really good at forming awesome-but-temporary friendships really quickly with people in that situation. I was actually just out last night with one such friend who I first met 15 years ago – she finally moved back here permanently, so we just started hanging out again as if she hadn’t been away for 12 years!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am not sure if it is confidence or resilience. What do we do when someone says NO. It would be interesting to hear her answer. I bet part of her answer is, “I ask so many people that if half of them say no, it does not matter to me.”
        She has a resilience about her. And that has something to do with her decision how to handle it when someone says NO.

        I hope you can ask her and post what she says. NO pressure, of course, it would just be an interesting contribution to the conversation.

        1. Typhon Worker Bee*

          She’s pretty busy getting ready for her first baby right now so I don’t want to bother her, but I’m 95% sure she’d say pretty much exactly what you guessed she’d say!

    11. NicoleK*

      Most of the friends I’ve made in my adult years have been coworkers or former coworkers. It does get harder to make friends and keep friends as you move through the different stages of life.

    12. Lissa*

      Yes me too. Part of the problem for me is I just don’t like that many people quickly. It takes me a verrrry long timeto want a one on one hang out. I am bad at what I think of as solo friendships and do way better with a big group I can slowly get to know people over months. And that is harder now. So many of my good friends have moved away and there aren’t a lot of new folk coming in.

    13. PickyD*

      I’ve had this issue my entire life. I tend to have one close-ish friend at a time, but have never found a long-lasting, permanent friend. That said…

      Recently I realized there were a couple other women in my area that I really like and seem to really like me, but for whatever reason, we never get together on a regular basis. (“OMG It’s been so long since I saw you! Why haven’t we gotten together before this?! So much to talk about!”) So I decided that since I’m such a terrible communicator (hate phones, but not good at remembering to text lol), I would solve the problem with tech,.

      With both the women, I said, “Hey! I’m wondering if you’d be up for something different. Would you be ok if we set a date every 3rd Wednesday, say, and if it works for both of us, we do something? No pressure! I’ll set an alarm on a repeating event and check with you the day before, but if we both add it to our calendars, it might actually work out!”

      Both of them have very flexible schedules. With one, we do lunch every other Wednesday. The time and place changes, but we just check the night before. The other woman is one I love but we don’t have kids the same ago so there’s less to talk about. I go to lunch with her once a month. Since it’s on both our calendars, it’s easy to work around. If one of us is out of town or can’t meet for another reason, we skip that one and don’t worry about getting together until the next regularly scheduled time.

      You could do something similar with drinks, coffee, etc. It takes the friendship to a much deeper level. NOTE: Right after the lunch, I try to think about anything I recommended during lunch and look up a helpful link. I send it along with “Great to see you today! Looking forward to our next regularly-scheduled outing lol!” or something similar.

      1. PickyD*

        I’ll add that NO ONE thinks I’m an introvert, which shocks me. I enjoy being one-on-one with a nice person and can talk for hours, but I absolutely cannot stand parties, and often find interacting with even only 2 other people difficult.

        One time on a college break, I happily spent 9 days in my apartment without seeing anyone else or going anywhere. Good times…

        1. Lissa*

          I think this type of thing is the origin of “introverts=rare”…because when we see other people, we see them when they are being social, but won’t see them when they’re hiding in their house reading for days on end! We compare our own insides to other people’s outsides and assume we are much more introverted than the norm without realizing other people often feel the same way.

    14. SeekingBetter*

      I actually had an easier time making friends after college and high school, and after the fact I stopped working a job that required me to be there 70 hours a week. Most of my friends now are from my exercise classes. I think it is easier to make friends with people you see on a regular basis. Of course, I’m not friends with everybody who goes there but there’s quite a few I love hanging out with.

    15. Teapots for Llamas*

      I have found a couple of apps invaluable for this. Meetup and BumbleBFF. I joined a meetup book club first, and it was scary to go to the first one, but once I did that, I loved it. I picked a low interaction threshold activity for my first event, which helped.

      Bumble BFF is really like a dating app for friends. You get a profile, add a couple of pictures, and set your preferences/distance. Then you see other people’s profiles, and you swipe left or right. You can only message each other if you are both interested. It sounds scarier than it is!

      I’ve met really cool people through both, and gained three close friends, plus a couple of people who I know are generally good grab-a-coffee or see-a-movie friends.

  15. Molly*

    Does anybody have tricks for getting rid of the smell of scent sticks? I stayed in a B&B last week from Tuesday to Sunday and now all my clothes smell of that stuff. I immediately hung it all out and after a couple of days the smell was still there so then I washed it and hung out again and the smell.is.still.there. It is driving me nuts especially because it is a lot of my fave pieces because I was staying there to help the bride and be maid of honour that weekend. So my new dress I’ve only worn for that occasion smells too… Luckily not as much because it was hanging in its bag except for the last night. Sigh. I am apparently more smell-adverse than I originally thought. Advice is much appreciated!

    (On another note, the wedding was absolutely perfect and everything was right!)

    1. Nicole76*

      Have you tried using white vinegar diluted with water in place of the fabric softener? I find it usually helps getting rid of unwanted odors.

        1. CatCat*

          Seconding white vinegar. I often put it in the rinse water cycle in the washing machine. You can also spritz it on the clean fabric as well and that might do it without having to rewash.

          We keep a spray bottle of the stuff next to our laundry and workout clothes get spritzed before going in the laundry bin to keep the laundry bin from getting stinky. Love white vinegar!

          1. Nicole76*

            It really is great, right? And so inexpensive! I use it in place of fabric softener on my towels and my dog’s blankets. I also use it to clean the floors so it’s safe for my dog who licks the floor.

              1. CatCat*

                I do 1/4 to 1/2 cup in the washing machine.

                I do full strength in the spray bottle and mist things that need it.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Dump a cup of white vinegar in to the rinse cycle. For things that can’t be washed, spray with diluted vodka.

  16. Nicole76*

    Our neighbors are moving this weekend (spotted the U-Haul last night in their driveway) and I’m a little bit sad, but mostly nervous, because we they were perfect – non-smokers, quiet & kept to themselves, and other than leaving their garbage can out for days at a time when they first moved in (that stopped once they got fined), weren’t annoying. Not knowing what our next neighbors will be like is making me super anxious.

    We’re in a townhome with a shared wall and it’s a rental next door. The neighbors before them were very loud and obnoxious. Our living room wall is shared and they would have their subwoofer on too high and the walls would thump. On top of that they smoked out back so we could never open up our patio door on nice days because it would smell inside our house. Plus they had a loud dog who would bark at everything which was ok except when they would take him out super early or late at night when we were trying to sleep.

    *Fingers crossed* our next neighbors are as good as the current ones.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      See my post above, and know that I hear you and completely sympathize. I’ll cross my fingers for you. I will say that I was really nervous about who would move in next door, but one of the things that helped ease my anxiety was that the “For Rent” sign had a phone number on it, so I felt like this time, I knew who to call if I had an issue. If you see one of those signs, write down that number. But I hope you never feel compelled to use it.

      1. Nicole76*

        I haven’t seen any signs, unfortunately. I think they might be forbidden by our association. Thanks for crossing your fingers for me!

    2. nep*

      That’s such a crazy feeling — the waiting to find out who the next neighbours will be.
      At one point the houses immediately to our left and right were for sale. We really lucked out — the families in both houses are kind, decent, and quiet (!), thank goodness.

    3. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Our townhouse neighbours are moving out soon too. They’re very nice but they have four kids under the age of five (two sets of twins!) and a bouncy dog, so the new neighbours will almost certainly be quieter overall (I refer to their house as the Shrieking Shack right now). On the other hand, all the noise from them is early in the day and we’re early risers too – less noise but later at night would almost be more of a problem. I just hope the new neighbours don’t have kids who cry during the night – the current neighbour kids do occasionally (maybe once or twice a month, and only for a few minutes at a time), so it’s not very disruptive, but years ago we lived in an apartment next to someone with a newborn and it was Not Fun.

    4. Triple Anon*

      I think it’s interesting that a lot of colleges house students together based on preferences like loudness and smoking, but I’ve never heard of that anywhere else. It seems like kind of a no brainer.

      Where I live, there are a lot of big apartment complexes. Often, one company will own, say, ten of them in this city (and more in other cities). You’d think one of them would try having themes – pet lovers / no pets, kid-friendly / adults only, non-smoking, quiet / loud, and so on. I know that in practice, it isn’t perfect, but it would solve some of the neighbor issues that seem to come up again and again.

    5. June*

      Could you buy the place next door and then rent to whomever you want (quiet, non smokers, etc.)? I know there’s a pain factor in being a landlord but it might be worth it. We are thinking of buying the house next door to us for the same reason (get a better neighbor!).

  17. noName*

    Recently the plush toy that was one of my first gifts from my partner and that I’ve taken everywhere I spent a night for the last several years disappeared. As best as I can tell, it fell in the trash near the bed and I didn’t notice before taking the trash out (and my apartment building takes the trash out of the building basically every morning) – that night I assumed it’d ended up somewhere else in the room and figured I’d find it in the morning.

    Even sadder, the place the plush was bought from doesn’t have the same thing available right now, and as far as I can tell, it might not be in stock again. It’s silly, but I just want it back.

    1. Pollygrammer*

      I’m sorry. :( It’s not silly. Attaching emotional value to objects is absolutely human nature.

      If your partner gives you a new plush (even if it’s not the same design) is there a way to give it some kind of connection to the first one, make it a kind of reincarnation?

      1. noName*

        I’ve been thinking about that. It was a plush of a character from a webcomic and the character is an AI (to comfort me my partner told me to think that the character’s consciousness could be downloaded into a new body), so I’m trying to think of a way to make that work.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      aww. Do you know the brand name? Maybe you can find it online?
      Maybe the place would custom order one for you if you asked. I would definitely ask, when something means something like that it’s worth the extra effort.

      1. noName*

        I could ask them! It’s a plush of a character from a webcomic, so it isn’t sold widely. I tried to see if I could find anybody reselling it on EBay but had no luck.

        1. Former Employee*

          I always suggest ebay, but when they don’t have something at the moment, I do a “saved search” so you get an email when one is listed.

          Best of luck.

      2. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

        Not exactly the same, if the company won’t special order you one, could you try one of those places that makes a stuffed version of your dog/cat/whatever pet, or one of the ones that brings a stuffed animal to life based on a kid’s drawing? Incredibly expensive, but they basically custom make every plush they send out so I think they would likely agree, and it sounds like it might almost be worth it to you for sentimental value.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I would definitely try to find it online if you can. When he proposed, my husband had gotten me a cute stuffed animal that plays a song, and got the second of the set of three of them shortly after that. Years later he mentioned he was disappointed that he never got the third when he had the chance, but we were able to find it on eBay.

      1. noName*

        It was originally bought online – but I’ll keep searching. And like Pollygrammar suggested, I might be able to find a way to make a new plush (even of a different design) feel connected. It was one of a pair to begin with; the other member of the pair just inherently isn’t cuddly because it has an internal rod, so it isn’t good for a sleeping pal.

        I’m glad you were able to get the third part of the set!

    4. ..Kat..*

      Not silly. Special and nice.

      The ‘accidentally fell in the trash and not realized until too late’ is how I lost my first wedding ring (I think). I was pretty upset and thought my husband would be angry. He laughed and said, “nice try; we’re still married!” Thank Dog for his sense of humor!

    5. Elizabeth H.*

      First of all, I’m really sorry.
      You can find so many things on the internet. Look on ebay, write the place it came from, Google it, etc.
      Also, depending on how long ago it was, you could dumpster dive in your apartment complex. I have done that in our apartment complex and found the missing thing before.

      It also might turn up somewhere. You never know!
      I (30 y/o) have multiple stuffed animals and really sympathize.

  18. dr_silverware*

    Is there anything you just recently discovered that’s amazing and you can’t believe you didn’t use/do it before? I was thinking products but it could be anything. For me, if it’s not too TMI, it’s poo-pourri. I live in a tiny apartment with another person and it’s a godsend.

    2. CatCat*

      I discovered this week that the handles on the lid of the InstantPot fit inside the the handles on the side of the body of the InstantPot. No more awkward drippy lid taking up space on the counter.

    3. nep*

      I hope I’m going to have that experience when I bite the bullet and make an appointment for a massage — I’ve got three gift certificates for a local chiropractic office that gets rave reviews. I’m really apprehensive but my back is causing me a lot of problems so I’ve decided to go for it. (I’ve yet to make the call.) I appreciate all the advice and suggestions people here offered a while back.

      1. nep*

        I just made the call. I got all choked up just talking to the person to make the appointment. Pretty sure I’m going to cancel it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Aww. I think you have mentioned this before. It sounds like you are torturing yourself with this. Can you get one of those things you put into the tub and make it into a whirl pool? Or how about a shower massage?
          How about one of those electric pads that you lean on in a chair and the thing vibrates? I am trying to think of things that you would be in control over.

          I like massages. I tried a massage chair and it really did not cut it for me. I mean, I will use one if it’s available but I would never buy one.

          I like arnica gel, too. That is great for going to work- no scent. But it’s also good at bedtime because it stays with me while I sleep.

          If you think you have a muscle in spasm, you could try tapping it. My chiro will tap a muscle and it seems to get that muscle to behave. Here at home I take something that extends my reach such as a hairbrush and tap a muscle that is acting up. He said to tap it about 60 times, I usually do 80. Seems to help.

          1. nep*

            Thanks.
            (Arnica oil is worth its weight in gold, seriously. Love that stuff.)
            I really want to do this. I even told the woman on the phone — OK, thanks, we’ll see how this goes.
            I just don’t want to get in there and be all emotional on these people — that’s not what they’re there for and they sure don’t need that.
            But I really would like to push myself past this block and see how it goes. The appointment’s a week and a half away. If I cancel, I cancel. If I decide to go in, I might abandon ship early, or I might stick it out, I think depending on how I’m feeling on the day. I’d like to work past this.

            1. fposte*

              In case that concern really is a factor: my massage therapist, who has terrific sympathy for her clients, takes big emotions in stride, and I think that’s pretty common. They know people are there to get what they need and that that’s a complicated thing.

            2. Sweat Band*

              Speaking as a massage therapist – don’t worry about them. They will have seen it all before. I’ve had clients cry, have panic attacks, laugh uncontrollably, you name it – massages can be an intense and intimate experience for people, and emotional reactions are quite common. You do not need to worry about them. They will know how to handle the situation, and they’ll have plenty of experience doing so. In a sense, that IS what they are there for.

              I hope you are able to go and get something out of it. But either way, I hope you feel better.

            3. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

              I’m rooting for you! But I do want to push back against the idea that “they don’t need that…” Every massage therapist I’ve ever met has been REALLY interested in making the experience as positive and comfortable as possible. Maybe if you tell them you have anxiety around this, they might already have things in mind that could help? Or they might make sure to assign you to a masseuse that works well with people who have similar struggles, or suggest something you can do before or during, or ask you if there’s some favorite music you could bring… idk, I just think that people who get into massage are very into making the experience worthwhile for their patients, and might be more interested in partnering with you on this than you’re thinking!

              Relatedly, if you have several certificates, and if they do have various ideas on how to maybe help you out, it might be useful for you to schedule several appointments at once (like, set up one a week or one every 2 weeks or month or something until you’d have used up all your certificates). It might help you make at least one appointment, but it also gives the office more reason to work with you in particular on your anxieties. Instead of your being a one-off patient with issues, you’re a new regular patient who may need some iteration on what works and what doesn’t over time.

              Good luck!!

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I love this answer.

                Nep, I have sat and cried at the MT. And I like massage. It seems that sometimes our emotions get locked in our muscles. Okay that is a very stupid explanation of a more complex process. However, the MT would be working on my arm or my back or whatever and I would get to thinking about something that upset me and out came the tears.
                I am not saying this to scare you, I am saying this to emphasis drinking water. Drink plenty the day or two before you go and then drink plenty when you come home. This keeps the organs working so if you do hit a bump it might not be as difficult.
                When you get in the MTs office you will probably notice a box of kleenex. They know they need to keep one handy. Many folks cry at the MTs.

                Give you and the MT a fighting chance at success. Tell her that this is your first massage EVER. Be sure to say that.
                You can tell her where not to massage, for example, I really don’t like people messing with my feet. A good massage therapist will respond with, “That doesn’t matter, I know how to massage your legs to help your feet. I don’t have to touch your feet.”
                And if you are ready you can tell her that you are afraid. This would be very good, because then you would be giving her a big chance at helping you the most.

                And one last tool. I am not sure if you have a half hour or hour massage. So either way, tell yourself that you only have to tolerate it for 15 minutes. Tell yourself at the 15 minute mark you are going to decide whether or not to do another 15 minutes.

                Worst case scenario, you are in it for 15 minutes and you decide you absolutely cannot do one more minute.

                Then you tell the MT to stop. It’s pretty easy. They always stop when they are told to stop. If you think about it, this makes sense, they pretty much have to stop when told to stop. This is good to know, the patient has not lost control here. You are in control the whole time you are there.

                Sending reassuring vibes you way. Let us know how it goes.

                1. nep*

                  Thank you so much. This is very helpful.
                  ‘Give you and the MT a fighting chance at success.’ You really nailed it.
                  One time a guy friend with whom I share a really nice friendship started rubbing my hands to begin a spontaneous massage; I got all teary. It was the combination of the release as well as just ‘being cared for’ in the way he was doing in that moment.
                  This all reminds me of the first time I did pigeon pose — we tend to hold a lot of tension in our hips, I guess — I softly wept. Not sadness, just release.
                  Thanks, all. Really — much appreciated.

                2. Elizabeth West*

                  Definitely lots of water–it will also help keep you from getting a post-massage headache.

                  All this–they’re used to all kinds of reactions from all kinds of clients. Massage can really be lovely and relaxing. I wish like hell I could afford one right now.

            4. Reba*

              Is there someone who could go with you? Just to accompany you to the office, or to schedule an appointment at the same time? the first time I got a massage it was with a friend. I felt so weird, but my girlfriend was in the next room and we met back up in the little waiting area, which was soothing.

        2. June*

          Please don’t cancel! My first massage, I could not relax (all too new to me) but I tried it again and wow, did I get better. I had a single mastectomy and I truly believe that the chair massages help speed up the recover for my arm. And tell the dr you are nervous. They understand that everyone has different anxiety levels and will work with you. My massuser did. Even when I cried a few times (breast cancer is emotional, what can I say…). So keep your chiropractic appt and treat yourself to something special afterwards (mine was a cup of tea in a quiet shop so my nerves would calm down). You got this!!

      2. nep*

        I’m in tears reading these responses. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and insights, and for the support. Really helpful and heartening.

        1. ..Kat..*

          I suggest two things:
          -start the massage. Give it 5 minutes or so. Then, if you can’t stand it, call a halt and leave. You can leave as much of your clothes on as you want. Or ask if it can be a chair massage instead. You are being touched, but through your clothes. This might make the ‘stranger touching you ‘ more comfortable for you. (Obviously, warn the massage therapist that you might call it off, so she isn’t startled.
          -I think you are female. You can ask for a female MT. For me this made it easier (I have special issues in my past that have left me unable to handle a male therapist. My problem. Just don’t want to derail the conversation with this).

          I am encouraging you to try it, because I think you might get some good benefit from massage therapy. I’m glad I tried it so many years ago even though the first sessions were very difficult for me.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          My motto is if people are talking about a problem they are half way DONE solving it. The worst situations are when people won’t say they are having difficulty. You are half way done solving your problem, even though it may not feel that way right now.

          1. nep*

            I think you’re right. It is a barrier overcome just to have made that phone call.
            Thanks, all.

            1. Belle di Vedremo*

              One of the things you hear around massage and bodywork people is, “the issue’s in the tissues.” We can carry around so much. It’s part of why massage therapists generally have tissues available, it’s so common to find that as the tissue is released/given permission to let go that emotions/old things can surface. This often happens as a part of the process of letting those go, too. I say this just to point out that some of your concerns and experience are common.

              I have a massage therapist who talks with some clients about the first appointment being for the client’s body to decide whether or not to trust her. Once that trust is established, the next appointment is very different. If the client doesn’t (or isn’t ready to) trust, then the next appointment is cancelled.

              You’ve talked about taking some new or challenging steps for yourself already this year, kudos to you for doing those things. We’re pulling for you, internet strangers though we are.

        3. Teach*

          For what it’s worth-
          I had huge anxiety about getting a massage. I had some irritable bowel stuff and googled around and realized that people who massage other people’s bodies have seen everything bodies might do. So my intense fart fears were probably unfounded.
          Also, my massage women keeps everything pretty dark. I also start face down. So any tears are soaked up by the sheets or the amazing heated sheepskin table cover. Muscles hold emotion – if I know this and have cried during yoga classes, I have to believe massage therapists have seen this.
          If you can, tell them you have some fears or anxiety. Via email, even. Any time I’ve been able to state that I’m anxious, my provider has calmly offered everything they can do for an anxious client. (Dental office, included!) You are not the most anxious person they’ve encountered!
          Massage feels great in the moment. You might also frame your thinking as others have suggested – talk yourself into it, not out of it. Tell yourself there will be a few moments of not knowing what to do or being awkward in exchange for knowledge of your muscles and what to do to help them.

      3. Cowgirlinhiding*

        If the massage scares you because you have to be undressed, ask them for the option where you can stay dressed. They should have something that will help you feel comfortable.

    4. HannahS*

      Meal planning on a white-board next to my fridge. Oh my goodness. So, so helpful. I have breakfast and lunch written out (I graze for dinner and have a big lunch) plus snacks, and then a grocery list in one corner and what’s-in-the-freezer in the other.

      1. dr_silverware*

        Holy shit that sounds really helpful. I know that basically any fore-thinking about meals helps me a ton when I’m like “UGH now WHAT do I EAT??” and a whiteboard like that sounds awesome.

    5. hermit crab*

      I recently got a smartphone for the first time, and now I have an app that tells me when the bus is coming in real-time. Before this, I was literally that person with a paper copy of the bus schedule (not that the bus really runs on a schedule, but they publish one anyway). I feel like I’m living in the future! (even if it is the future of, like, five years ago)

      1. Laura H*

        Smart phone/ tech epiphanies happen!!

        I forget that this can do so much beyond its role as my electronic babysitter. (My as in for me. I don’t have any kids of my own.)

      2. Lady Alys*

        Android Pay on my phone – I can pay for things without hauling my shoulder bag into the store! It’s magic! The only thing better would be if the charge never actually showed up on my statement, but no luck with that yet…

      3. Gingerblue*

        I held off on getting a smartphone for a long time, but can’t imagine going back now. For me, Google Maps was the real game changer–I am so much more relaxed driving now that I can get updated directions fed to me in real time.

    6. Pollygrammer*

      LeVar Burton Reads! How did nobody think to tell me that there was a podcast of LeVar Burton reading awesome short stories for adults??? It’s a beautiful feeling to have him reading to me again after a decade.

      1. Nicole76*

        Whaaaat? I must check this out! Although who knows when I’ll get to listening to it since I am subscribed to way too many podcasts at the moment and am binge-listening to all the back episodes of My Favorite Murder.

    7. periwinkle*

      Dutch oven. Seriously, how have I spent multiple decades on this planet without ever trying one? The Kitchen recently had a series of articles touting the wonder of Dutch ovens, and I finally went to Target and bought the Lodge 6-quart in blue.

      OMG y’all.

      1. Red Reader*

        My husband got that one for Christmas, it was one of the things he really really wanted. I was kind of teasing him about it a little bit, like “we have a thousand pans, what do you need that for.” A couple weeks later, I was trying to describe a shape of pan that I wanted for something in particular, and his grin was just getting bigger and bigger, and finally I was like “What??” and he goes “You realize you’re describing my new dutch oven, to a T, right?”

        (I’ve still only used it the once though.)

        1. periwinkle*

          Line the bottom with thick slices of onion and fresh herbs. Season a chicken (whole, thighs, split breasts, whatever) and place it on top. Cover and roast @ 350 for 30-45 minutes. Remove the cover and cook until a thermometer says it’s done. Juicy perfection, no brining required. That alone is worth the price of admission.

    8. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      Not exactly an object, but I have a trackball mouse and I’d been considering replacing it with a standard mouse because it had become intolerable to use. I mention this offhandedly to my teammate, and he’s like “have you cleaned it?” It had never occurred to me to clean it. So one lazy morning I look up how, it took about 3 minutes, and now its gliding like new again. I cannot believe I almost threw it out! And I can’t believe I tolerated how terrible it had become for so long!

      1. Red Reader*

        I have a couple reports I run for work on a weekly basis, and now when I kick off the report process, while I wait for it to run, I pop my trackball ball out and both wipe down the ball (usually just on the hem of my shirt) and use a q-tip to clean out the contacts in the divot – I used to forget to do it all the time, but making it part of the weekly routine helped a lot :)

    9. Sylvan*

      Four-pound boxes of Arm & Hammer baking soda.

      This is a deeply boring comment, but I use baking soda a lot to clean. Sprinkling it on the carpet 20-30 minutes before I vacuum makes my apartment smell great but makes me go through a little box of baking soda SO fast!

      Apparently the brand also makes resealable bags up to 13.5 pounds, but I haven’t seen them yet. I only found the four-pound boxes in one grocery store in the pet supply section away from the rest of the baking soda and cleaning products.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Try a pool supply store. Its used to adjust the pH, so people need a lot for thousands of gallons of water.

      3. The New Wanderer*

        Costco too. Also, giant bags of salt, which you can use to refill the smaller container that has the spout.

    10. Lily Evans*

      I just started sleeping with earplugs in within the last year and it’s been a gamechanger. I’ve always been a light sleeper and somehow I never thought of trying them before then. I lose so. much. sleep. when I was living in college dorms and my parents’ house, when the solution was simple all along. I’d worried that I wouldn’t be able to hear things like my alarm or the smoke detector, but had never bothered testing to see if that was true.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Is there a product that will vibrate the bed when it is time to get up? I had a friend with hearing impairment and I think he had something like that. Or you could set 2 alarms so it is super annoying.

        1. Lily Evans*

          I meant that they don’t actually keep me from hearing my alarm, as long as the volume is set high enough I can hear it no problem! I’m just annoyed that I assumed for years that it wouldn’t work instead of actually trying them out. So many sleepless nights could have been avoided!

    11. The Senior Wrangler*

      I am seriously hoping that the Iud I’m having fitted in a couple of weeks is going to be like this…

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        If it works for you, it can be life-changing! Just don’t make my mistake and read the stories on the internet. They are of course 90% frightening horror stories, which got me super stressed out, and it actually was really fine. Not fun, of course, but way better than I expected. My doctor is really experienced at inserting them, and her nurse told me the doc can do it in 2.5 minutes, so I kept an eye on my watch, which helped distract me.

    12. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      Oh, a big one for me is a leg pillow! Like, a U-ish shaped one that you put between your knees or thighs. It’s made a world of difference in my sleep.

      The other big sleep one is breathe-right strips! They don’t really help with snoring or anything, but dang, when I put them on I feel literally like I forgot how great it feels to BREATHE.

    13. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Electric assist bike! I live in a very hilly city, and my house and both of my offices are all quite high up on different hills. I moved house and job last year so my commute got longer and hillier, and I decided it was time. So. Much. Freaking. Fun.

      1. Cristina in England*

        You know, I should consider this. I live in a really hilly place and I love to ride but I grew up riding along the beach. I am not into torture.

    14. Fiennes*

      I’ve been using Simple Habit, a guided-meditations app. I got it with a fair bit of skepticism but have really found it helpful over this past month, especially for coping with anxiety.

    15. Extra Vitamins*

      An alarm clock that slowly turns on a light. It actually wakes me up gently instead of the startlement of a sound-based alarm. It is the bessstt.

    16. Parenthetically*

      I make my own deodorant and I will NEVER. EVER. EVER go back to store-bought.

      Also (TMI alert): luna cup. I mean I have a 7 month old, so obviously I haven’t needed it in a while, but I just don’t dread shark week like I used to.

      1. Elf*

        How do you make your own deodorant?

        Also, totally with you on the cup (whichever brand) and I am jealous about the not needing it because my period came back immediately despite exclusive breastfeeding :(

        1. Parenthetically*

          It’s about 50/50 baking soda/cornstarch, with enough coconut oil to make it the texture of toothpaste, and a tablespoon or two of melted beeswax. Plus a few drops of whatever essential oils you like/have — I usually do tea tree and lavender because I always have those around. I make a big batch and keep it in a pint mason jar, then warm it and pour it into an old deodorant container as I need it. It works incredibly well.

      2. Birdie*

        I love my luna cup and have been using it for over 4 years. Never running out of tampons :) .

      3. Roja*

        Yep, my Diva cup has been the same thing for me. I held off buying it when I was in college because my mom convinced I would think it was gross and too hands-on, but I finally got one five years ago and have kicked myself ever since for waiting. It would have made college SO much easier. The only way I’ll part with it is if someone pries it out of my cold, dead hands.

    17. LilySparrow*

      A potato fork (garden implement).

      We have incredibly dense, matted grass and heavy clay soil in our yard. We’re trying to convert some of the lawn to garden and have dug out the beds several times, but the nightmare grass keeps growing back. And it’s just so heavy & hard to break through.
      I recently inherited some old garden tools from my aunt, and decided to try the fork on my next assault on the grass.

      Oh. My. Gosh. It cuts in and flips that stuff up like butter.

    18. DietCokeHead*

      A Tub Shroom! I bought it because I saw a video online and we needed some sort of stopper for the tub. Seriously, the Tub Shroom catches so much hair, it is amazing. And it’s super easy to pop out and clean off.

        1. Gingerblue*

          They’re so awesome! If you want to try one, Office Depot, Staples, and Levenger offer mutually-compatible discbound systems. I find most of the existing covers for them kind of dreary, so I just bought a small laminator so I could make my own from pretty cardstock. (Staples does carry some Martha Stewart branded notebooks which come in cheerful colors, and the “Happy Planner” brand makes bright covers and rings, though only their letter-sized notebooks are compatible with the other brands.)

    20. Nina*

      Man, I wish Poo-pourri had existed when I was in college. One of my roommates had some digestive disorder, and you could always tell when the poor girl had been in the bathroom. Hell, I have a bottle in my own bathroom right now.

    21. oranges & lemons*

      Wireless headphones! I share a small apartment with my girlfriend and I like to listen to podcasts when I do housework. It’s nice to be able to do that without bothering her.

    22. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I write the meat, produce, and leftovers I have on the doors of my freezer and fridge with the dates I bought/cooked them so I can easily see what I’ve got without having to look inside.

  19. nep*

    Alison’s book recommendation is always one of my favourite things about the weekend free-for-all. Love the writing.

  20. Talia*

    Since the “ask friends for recommendations” suggestion isn’t working, anyone have any tips on how to find a lawyer? Preferably one that isn’t too expensive?

      1. neverjaunty*

        Yes, this is going to matter a lot – some types of cases cost you nothing because the lawyer works on contingency.

      2. Talia*

        Landlord-tenant lawyer, to see if I can get out of my lease (and if nothing else, if I can tell the ex-roommates “I’m not paying utilities now that I’m not living there” even if I’m stuck with the lease, so as to get them to stop sabotaging my attempts to get someone to take it over).

        1. fposte*

          In my area, you’d likely be able to get a free consultation for that, either in person or over the phone, and the lawyer would give you a rough idea of what would be done for you and what the rates would be.

          My state bar association has a lawyer search, and I suspect that’s pretty common. I’d do a search in my area for landlord tenant law and cross-check it against lawyers.com and avvo.com and pick a few to start with.

    2. K.*

      Start with your local bar association. When I was laid off a few years ago, I wanted a lawyer to review my severance agreement & found one through mine.

    5. Undine*

      Again, depends on what you need. My town has a “Lawyers in the Library” program which gives you someone who can talk to you about your question & then refer you (they might not be a lawyer who has expertise in your area). The nearby city has a program (during work hours) where you can drop in and talk to a lawyer about a range of questions, like name change, rental stuff, various other topics. Those might be places to start.

  21. FrontRangeOy*

    A friend of mine is in surgery this morning. It can be a up to a 12 hour affair depending on the specifics. I’ve got a dozen things to do but what I really want to do is wallow on the couch and think about my friend.

    1. HannahS*

      I’m sorry :( I was in your shoes a few months ago. It sucks, and I hope your friend is OK.

  22. Little bean*

    Who do you invite to a backyard wedding with limited space? Family and close friends is already over 100. What about friends who invited you to their wedding years ago but you don’t really talk anymore? What about people who used to be really good friends but now they live far away and you never see them?
    If they are extended family, can I invite some but not all (e.g. can I invite my mom’s aunt and uncle without inviting all their adult kids and grandkids)?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You can invite whoever you want. It’s your wedding. I would not invite people who I do not see or talk to anymore. I would not invite family of a close person if I am not close with the family, I’d just invite the close person plus one.

      I would invite the people who have been the most supportive of the relationship. This means, they are active in my current life, this means they have some understanding of me and who I am and this means that they like my person.

      You don’t “have to” invite anyone.

    2. Ali G*

      We had this issue when my husband and I got married. Complicating the problem was that we were relatively “old” (I was 35 and he was 40), so there were kid considerations, everyone is married, etc.
      What we decided on for friends that live out of state was (with only one or two exceptions) if the other person hadn’t ever met the friend, then they did not get invited. So my friend from my past job didn’t get invited, because in the 4 years we were together my husband never met her. That made some decisions a lot easier.
      And you certainly can prioritize family too. It’s hard, but try to remember this is YOUR wedding and you deserve to have the people there that YOU want – not those that think they should be invited.
      As a side note – we decided no kids because our budget would be severely impacted by feeding everyone’s kids. There were some hard feelings about this (someone RSVP’ed for their entire family even though our invites were addressed on to adults) and then decided not to come if we wouldn’t invite their kids, etc. This crap happens and just remember to have responses prepared ahead of time when pushy people try to force you to do what they want. I swear weddings make people CRAZY.

    3. Kj*

      You don’t have to invite adult kids. You don’t have to invite relatives unless you want them there. You don’t have to invite people who invited you to their wedding. Invite who you want. Don’t feel obligated.

      I had a wedding with 50 guests. Period. We ruthlessly handled invites, with the least drama possible. We wanted a small wedding, so we invited only those we really wanted (except for one Aunt who my parents insisted we invite. I’m still mad I caved on that one).

      1. JewelryLover*

        We had to be ruthless with our wedding too. We found on my side, that first cousins was a good cut-off, and on his side, he only invited the first cousins he had actually seen in the last few years.

        If you haven’t seen or really socialized with someone in years – don’t worry about inviting them. For the most part, unless they are really petty, they aren’t really going to care.

    4. Jane of all trades*

      You should invite those people you most want to share this moment with. According to the Emily Post podcast people should not assume they are owed an invitation, because weddings are such complicated and expensive events. If I were you I’d suggest talking to people you are close to, and who might expect an invitation but who didn’t make the list, and tell them in person. That should alleviate any hurt feelings.
      Congratulations!!

    5. LilySparrow*

      You certainly don’t have to invite everyone whose wedding you were ever invited to, even if you aren’t close.

      In terms of family, it’s a nice guideline to have some consistency. So for example, if you have five aunts & uncles, invite all of them or none of them. Invite all the first cousins or none. The exception would be if there’s a huge disparity in closeness. Like if you were raised with one first cousin as an extra sibling, but your family hasn’t spoken to another set in ten years.

      But the only real hard-and-fast rule I can think of, is that you don’t invite one half of a couple and not the other.

    6. Natalie*

      Yeah, you definitely don’t need to invite anyone’s kids *and* grandkids just because you invited them!

      For friends, invite who you want. Who you used to be close to or who invited you to their wedding doesn’t matter one bit. For family, people sometimes say you should invite everyone in one category, but I disagree. I have a huge family (20+ aunts/uncles not including spouses, 40+ first cousins) so I only invited the relatives I was close to, which was 6 aunts/uncles (and their spouses) and 2 cousins. (And it would have been one cousin but one came in place of an uncle, which was a weird little bit of finangling we did on purpose.) That said, if people are long-term-partnered, you have to invite their partner in all but extreme circumstances, like there’s only one more space on the boat or whatever.

    7. WideAwake*

      We had 75 people. Invited closest family- parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, adult first cousins, and closest friends. As in, the friends we actually saw regularly or kept in close touch with if they lived elsewhere. All singles were allowed a plus one, of course. No kids under 18. This caused some people to decline, but whatever. Our venue and evening wedding wasn’t child friendly.

      We did send a few courtesy invites to elderly great aunts as keepsakes (they asked, for a family keepsake album. They weren’t able to travel anymore), etc. We said no to MIL’s list of friends she wanted to invite. Our wedding, our dime, only OUR people.

  23. HannahS*

    Chronic illness vent:
    I had a rough week. I was in a lot more pain than usual, slept through my alarm almost every day, missed mandatory classes, fell behind on everything, and generally felt awful about it. For weeks, I’ve been telling myself, “Well, when I’m feeling better I’ll [be a better student, keep my apartment less gross, exercise more, etc.]” and then this week, when things got a bit worse, I once again realized that this is not going to end and I’m never going to be healthy again. I feel like it’s fairly common to have this feeling go in cycles–it’s been almost a decade, and for the most part I’m used to how my body works and my normal just feels normal. But every so often it hits me how much function I’ve lost. I try to be solution-oriented, and I do have some plans in place for the next few weeks to try to get myself to function a little better with my mom’s help, and on top of it my general function is miraculously good, but I think I need a bit of grief-crying while I do the dishes. I don’t really have a question, but talk to me, my sick peeps.

    Also, if you suggest that I try yoga/gluten-free/stop-eating-dairy/have-you-considered-meditation/but-the-thing-I’M-suggesting-is-supported-by-evidence I will mail you a turd.

    1. fposte*

      Hey, Hannah. That’s a sucky moment. I’ve been there and return there. I’ve got a bedroom floor currently carpeted with clothes from a similar period.

      Please remember also you’re in freaking med school. A lot of your cohort are also going to have gross apartments and no exercise happening, and those that manage better often have somebody on the homefront doing the heavy lifting for them. So while mourning the loss is absolutely legitimate, try not to turn it into belief you should be leading a life that very few people are actually leading.

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks, you’re so right. I was telling my mom yesterday that every time I get moany-groany to myself about how I’m not managing, I can’t do it, I hear her voice in my head going, “Hannah, you ARE doing it” because we’ve had that convo out loud many times. And it’s true. I’m plodding along. And frankly, I’ve been untidy and unenthused about exercise since childhood.

    2. SineNomine*

      I’m with you all the way. I got diagnosed with severe UC about a decade back and my life was completely wrecked. I wish I had some sort of answer to being able to keep up with the important things when feeling shitty, but I’ve got nothing. I don’t think people that haven’t experienced something similar can ever truly understand what something like that does to you. It’s not just “feeling shitty”, you can cope with that to an extent…it’s the unending nature of it, you know? It wears you down in ways that are hard to express. All you want is a break from it, and being chronic means you will never get one. Which can be absolute murder on your hope for the future and desire to do…well, anything at times.

      And yeah, the well-meaning friends and family that apparently understand your condition better than you despite it being your body and your life…Ooof. I love them and all, but I can only do so much non-committal replies while wanting to scream that I’ve had plenty of experience and probably know better what has an effect and what doesn’t.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        There is a psychological component that is almost as wearing as the illness itself. I have often wondered how much that psychological component exasperates the symptoms.

        1. Former Employee*

          Your system probably did an auto correct – it’s “exacerbates the symptoms”, which, I’m sure, exasperates the person with the illness.

      2. HannahS*

        Yeah, it’s the undending-ness of it that can be a real grind. It’s so different from regular illness, which, you know, goes away.

    3. Gala apple*

      Ugh I’m sorry you are slugging through this swamp now. Sending you mazel and hatzlacha, and simple understanding.

    4. CheeryO*

      I feel you. :( I have some sort of autoimmune thing going on (possibly RA but probably something less common), and I feel like such a turd because I’ve been too tired to be anything other than an okay person for the last few weeks. On a related note, I HATE when I start feeling worse and realize that I was actually at “good” before.

      Keep prioritizing what’s important to you and try to forgive yourself for the rest. I like to run, so I make sure I get my miles in no matter how I’m feeling, and I try to at least do dishes and laundry and eat a vegetable once in a while, but my apartment is going to be a wreck sometimes, and that’s okay. Like fposte said, not even the most energetic and healthy of us has their life together 100 percent of the time, so don’t feel like you need to compare yourself to some unattainable standard.

      1. HannahS*

        Right?! It’s like, “Oh, that time before when I was not feeling so great, that’s good now–it’s the best I can expect.” That’s hard. I hope you get answers for what’s been affecting you.

    5. Lizmk*

      I was diagnosed with MS two years ago, and I’m completely with you. I’d lost something like 85 pounds in the year before, and I felt like I was finally living the way I’d always wanted to. Between steroids and plain old stress eating, ive gained all of that back. My finances are a mess because of the treatments and hospital stays, and I haven’t really deep cleaned my house in months. I don’t have much advice for you, but I do commiserate. I believe things will get better for both of us. You’ve got this!

    6. Junior Dev*

      Hugs. My apartment is a mess and a lot of my bills aren’t paid on time and my bank account is nearly empty until payday, and I’m 27 and work a corporate job where a lot of my colleagues make 6 figures and have spouses and kids and impressive hobbies and advanced degrees. I feel like an impostor adult, like someone is going to find out how I live and be disgusted at how badly I’m facing it.

      My physical health is mostly ok now (though I’m having really annoying side effects from meds) but my mental health has been awful, just panicking all the time, using up all my energy to pretend I can deal with people at work and then coming home and collapsing in bed instead of cleaning or dealing with mail or any of that.

      So what I’m saying is, you’re not the only one who has trouble getting stuff together because of health issues. And also, like someone else pointed out here, there are plenty of healthy college students who have messy apartment and are disorganized. This stuff is hard for a lot of people but it’s especially hard when your body just doesn’t allow you to do stuff.

    8. Rookie Manager*

      I have chronic pain and a busy life, my current technique is once a fortnight having a pj day and doing nothing. On the whole this is keeping me going and I’m learning to ignore any guilt as this is my self care time. I’ve also got to the point where I’ve realised it isn’t going away and that’skinda liberating.

    9. Reba*

      Sometimes I get myself into a jam because I procrastinate on [Rx refills, maintenance bloodwork, scheduling appointments] FOR MONTHS because I just don’t like to think about how I have an illness and it’s going ok but when you lose bone you don’t get it back and I will take medications forever and these work now but at some point I’ll have to go off them and try other ones and and and and and

      Solidarity, HannahS.

      Also, mailing a turd, I actually LOL’d.

    10. Thursday Next*

      I hear you. I have an autoimmune illness, and a host of bone/alignment issues that leave me with chronic pain. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work in laying plans to help yourself adapt. Along with that practical work, sometimes you need to mourn what you’ve lost. I thought I detected a bit of self-reproach for grief-crying in your post; if that’s the case, please go easy on yourself. Find some way of being kind to yourself that isn’t “useful,” like sitting down for fifteen minutes to listen to a podcast (or LeVar Burton reading a short story!).

      Again, I hear you, and wish you all the best.

    12. LilySparrow*

      I hear you! I have autoimmune disease that actually responds pretty well to my regimen.

      But I also have ADHD, which means a) I easily forget that I am sick and how awful it is when it flares up, and b) sticking to the regimen is always going to be incredibly challenging.

      I’m sorry you are dealing with this and hope you get on that good track quickly.

    13. Mimmy*

      Hang in there Hannah. Be sure to take care of yourself whenever you need to. I’m rooting for you all the way!

    14. Flower*

      Been there. It sucks so much. Realizing that this is your life now and you’ll have periods that are like this… it’s a messy, disheartening feeling.

      I don’t know if I can offer much in the way of proactive advice, but I’m sending you support and so, so much empathy.

  24. hermit crab*

    Here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. Do you have a “best friend” (or perhaps more than one)? Define that however you want, but I’m picturing a current, adult friendship, not as in “my best friend from the second grade.” Do you refer to them as your “best friend” when talking about them to other people, or only to yourself? Are you mutual best friends, or is it more one-sided than that? Do you think this is useful distinction to make as an adult?

    1. Betsy*

      I do have an adult bestie and I refer to her as my bestie (and I think she refers to me that way too). I think it’s useful. It was only after becoming single a few years ago that I realised how much friendships mean and how friends are your support people and your community. It’s kind of like saying she’s my significant other and the person who’s always there for me when I need it, but because friendships are given far less value than both romantic relationships and family, there’s no real term for this.

      My mother always used to go on for ages about this friend and that and what exactly they were doing on the phone and it drove me mad. I wondered why she thought I’d care. It was only when I became single that I realised that these *are* her people and they have meaning to her and they’re the main people in her life. So it made just as much sense as when I’d talked about my partner frequently to her in the past.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I relate to this comment. I call them a “got your back type friend”. I have a male friend like this. We are two very different people and marriage would bring out every single one of those differences in a spectacular manner. However, as friends we can probably go the rest of our lives being in a friendship.
        He knows he can talk about whatever strange thing is happening now and I will listen and try to say something intelligent. Then he does the same thing for me. We are coming up on ten years as friends and we do have some really weird stories. However, it is nice to have a friend that does not flinch and just says, “Okay, let’s talk about this and see what options we can find.” Not everyone is open to that kind of conversation.

    2. ainomiaka*

      I have a group, not one best friend. I refer to them as tribe and not besties, though. And that is mutual. I think it’s useful. Having a set group that isn’t work people has absolutely saved my sanity in some jobs. And just with life stressors.

    3. Kathenus*

      My best friend has been since we met in eighth grade, it’s definitely mutual, and we both refer to each other that way. We haven’t lived near each other in decades but even if we don’t communicate regularly, when we do and when we do see each other it’s as if we had just been together the day before. Wish we lived in the same place, but it really is great having someone that is still my best friend since my teenage years in that role in my life.

      1. many bells down*

        This is pretty much EXACTLY my best friend story. Only we met in 7th grade. Our birthdays are one day apart. We hardly ever get time to chat, but when we meet up again it’s like we’ve never been apart.

        1. Kathenus*

          Earlier in my life I had a good friend in middle school/early junior high – we had the exact same birth date, mothers had the same name, fathers in the same industry, and brothers who were big screw-ups. We’ve lost touch over the years, but it was crazy that we happened to live two blocks from each other.

    4. Nicole76*

      As cliche as this sounds, my husband is my best friend. I’ve never had much luck having a best female friend. I had a few in grammar and high school but they would eventually drop me for someone more interesting. I get along better with guys anyway now because I would rather talk about pop culture and tech stuff than family matters and kid stuff. Not to say I’m the only female who cares about that stuff, it’s just the majority of women I’ve been in the position to become friends with were mothers so that was (understandably so) their main focus.

    5. The RO-Cat*

      I have two people in my life (beside family, that is) in whose hands I put my life and never wonder. I call them friends (the rest are acquaintances). Both came into my life at (almost) adult age (one in compulsory military conscription, one in my second job – I was his subordinate, I got promoted, we became friends). With both I think about the relation as two-sided and balanced, With one I celebrated 30 years; with the other, 23.

      1. hermit crab*

        Interesting – for me, “in whose hands I put my life and never wonder” is essentially the line I draw between my “best friend” and just regular friends. I think I have a pretty loose/generous definition of “friend,” though.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          “A rose by any other name…” – it really doesn’t matter what you call them as long as it suits you, right?

    6. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I’ve very intentionally carved this out. I didn’t have a best friend for a long time (and, really, my teammate guy is the person I live with and trust the most and etc), but I do have a person who I declared to be my best friend, and he’s good with that, so we’re running with it! It helps that he’s super extroverted, so he has a million friends, so I don’t feel bad about the fact that my general level of introversion makes me not want to go out every week with the person. It works well!

    8. Sylvan*

      Nah. Sometimes I want this, but I usually think it’s best to have a small group you’re very close to, like two or three people, instead.

      Don’t ask me how to find that, though. Meeting new people as an adult is weird.

    9. Clever Name*

      I have a group of 3 really close friends I consider my best friends, and it’s amazing. Since we all have kids and jobs etc, we don’t see each other all the time, but we make time for evenings out or parties at our houses.

    10. Temperance*

      My best friend is probably my sister. So I don’t call her that to other people, just my sister.

    11. Red Reader*

      I have my bestie — we were housemates for two years, then she moved cross-country and at this point we haven’t lived in the same state for gah fourteen years? wow. But this summer will make 17 years that we’ve been friends. (Mind blown. We just had an incredulous text exchange about that.) We’ve both been adults the whole time. I’m also her bestie, and we both refer to each other that way. We also both have tattoos of each other’s handwriting.

    12. kas*

      I have a best friend and it’s mutual. We’ve been best friends since high school and we’re now in our late 20’s. We text every day and it’s weird to just refer to her as my friend but I also strangely feel a bit immature using the word “best friend.”

      I have a group of girl friends who call me their bestie but I don’t consider any of them a best friend.

    13. Hrovitnir*

      Hmm, interesting question. I think the concept is useful if it’s useful to you. I do think that very close platonic relationships are underappreciated but I don’t know that I’m capable of those.

      I have one friend who I do a lot with and trust as much as I trust people, and would probably happily live with. My brother likes to make fun of me saying he’s my best friend but I don’t have a definition of that that works for me. Like RO-Cat I tend to have a high bar for “friendship” and describe what many would call friends as friendly acquaintances. This has relaxed somewhat over time.

      As for my closest friend I don’t know if we’re mutual besties (heh) but I would be one of his closest friends at least. *shrug*

    14. Handy nickname*

      My “best friend” and I have a talked a lot about the concept of besties and having different friends that were close to in different ways and how we both had sisters we were very close to and always considered our best friends, but we became a tighter part of each other’s lives over the years, and one day she texted me and said she’d been talking about me to a coworker? I think? of hers and described me as the closest friend she had, and that she just thought I should know that.

      I’ve referred to her as my best friend for a while, even when I still felt closer to my sisters than to her, which is much less the case now, just because relationships are complicated! It was useful shorthand for her importance and closeness in my life to people who didn’t know us together.

      We probably talk on the phone more than we text, mostly because she turns off all her notifications and doesn’t respond to texts forever lol, but we get together as often as our schedules allow- anywhere from every week to once a month or so.

      I guess I consider friendships sort of in tiers- acquaintances/blank-friends (eg work friends, church friends) are people I know from a group that I am friendly with and excited to see, sit together on purpose for lunch or whatever, but don’t hang out with one-on-one & don’t really text or even have their number.

      Friends are people I’d call up to go see a movie, grab lunch, come over and play games- people that I would expect to tell me/I would tell them if one of us was moving, dating someone new, got s new job, etc.

      Close friends are people I’ve gone to in tears because I needed them. I have three of these- my best friend who I met my senior year of high school and is the person I can dig my fingernails into when I just need someone to be there and get me. Another close friend from a similar background/family struggles who I’ve known most of my life- we’ve had closer/more distant times(and she has a best friend who’s not me), but definitely have been there for some pretty rough spots. And then a guy I’ve worked with for about five years who has tons of friends so I know I’m not in his top three closest friends, but he really looks out for the people he cares about. I see him every day, obviously, so we’re closer in that way, and he’s more into texting and other social media than a lot of my other friends, so he’s there for a lot of the day to day, like the day I asked him to grab lunch/afternoon snack? with me after work and ended up in tears across the table from him because of stressful stuff in my family and he didn’t make anything awkward or a big deal, and had my back when I decided to make some changes in the situation. Gosh I love my friends. They’re pretty great people.

    15. Thlayli*

      I used to until I met my husband. Now my husband is my best friend. I’m still close to my old best friend but obviously my hubby is the person I go to first to talk about stuff.

    16. Parenthetically*

      I have two very close, very dear friends whom I do call my best friends. I don’t get hung up on the terminology in particular, though — the point is, when I had to have major emergency surgery, they were the ones I called at 3 am.

    17. Elizabeth H.*

      Yes! I have a best friend and our families are also very close and super entwined. (I just got back from my mom’s birthday dinner at my best friend’s mom’s house, which is around the corner from my parents’ house, to which I brought my new boyfriend. I also spent this past Christmas visiting my best friend and her husband in his country that they live in, at his childhood home where they had a stocking for me (best friend, husband, his siblings and I are all late 20’s to 30)! I do consider it a meaningful relationship and I talk about her to colleagues or acquaintances or whoever as “my best friend” because I feel like it’s a more significant distinction than just saying “my friend” – it seems like so much more of a family relationship and Official. I realize it can sound kind of middle schoolish, especially because I’m the only one who is aware of the whole context where we are so much like family to each other, but it is what it is! I’m so happy to have a best friend. Oh, we’ve been friends since 3rd grade (8 y/o) and are now 30 and 31. She is married (I was witness) and has been living in her husband’s country for several years but we talk regularly and fb chat or message in between, and see each other a lot on visits. I’ve accompanied her on tour (she’s a musician) several times so we’ve got in a bunch of “face time” not just talk.

    18. Roja*

      I do; we’ve been friends for 13+ years (half our life now!). I’m committed to all my friends, but I’d move heaven and earth for her and she would (and has) done the same for me. We live across the country and save our pennies to visit each other. I do sometimes accidentally refer to her as my best friend, because she is, but I try not to do it so as not to hurt any other friends’ feelings. I’ll refer to her that way though if I’m talking to someone random who doesn’t know her, so it’s not just “Oh, my friend is getting married,” as if she’s just one of many. No, my best and oldest friend is getting married and it’s *really important.* That kind of thing. I don’t know what I’d do without her; we’ve been through the highest highs and the lowest lows and it’s so nice to have someone who knows that much about you and can be supportive accordingly.

      So maybe it sounds childish, but I kind of don’t care. There should be a phrase for that sort of friendship besides “best” though. Most of my friends have come and gone through different seasons, but there’s something different about one that stays put.

    19. fort hiss*

      I have a close friend that I would never have said I considered a best friend, but he had to go to the ER a few years back and he messaged me to tell me, saying I was his best friend and he wanted me to know he might be seriously sick. He had surgery and turned out okay with no long-standing problems, but I was so touched by that message. It made me re-evaluate how much I did value him. I still don’t quite think of him as a best friend, but I really appreciate him thinking of me that way… I’m not sure why it’s uneven. I would probably consider my partner my best friend, even if that’s a cliche.

  25. Just Another Weekend Warrior*

    So, at what point will we stop coddling everyone who chooses to be different? I’m posting this in regards to the “I’m married to an Anime Character” question and the thread from a few weeks ago about the self-diagnosed “BPD Girl.”

    Note I used the word “CHOOSES” because I’m talking about this rash of craziness that seems to have emerged in the past few years of “Hey, I’m a Unicorn! Respect me!” I’m NOT talking about sexuality. Before anyone accuses me of being “anti gay” or “anti trans” just know I am trans, and this mentality of “hey I’m a cat-girl” pisses me off something awful.

    1. ainomiaka*

      I hope never? this sounds just so. . . unkind. Why do we need to? I draw a line at things that actively harm people, but the anime person is a perfect example of someone that isn’t harming anyone.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I think it’s always worth examining my own impulses and motivations when I feel strongly about a low-impact thing somebody else is doing. Sometimes the argument is that there’s a moral hazard, but that’s perceived more often than it exists and I can’t even figure out what it would be here–even if there is suddenly a breakout of people wearing cat ears in public, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to hurt anything. I really like people to abide by etiquette about minimizing impact on other people, so I don’t think they should growl or meow at people.

        And sometimes my resentment is that I went through hard things, and either I think the difficulty was important or somewhere in there I wish it had been easier; I don’t know a lot about the psychology of why we want other people’s lives to be harder when we think ours should be easier, but it’s definitely a thing.

        I think privately we get to think what we want of anybody for anything, and I can think sportsball fans or or otherkin or whatever are ridiculous in my own home or head. But I don’t see how a live-and-let-live approach in encounters with such people is coddling them; it’s just living and letting live.

      2. Temperance*

        I think she’s harming herself and weirding people out at work. If she rolled it back a touch, like not telling random clients about her boyfriend, it would be fine.

        IDK, I think people get the right to be strange and believe whatever they want to, so long as it doesn’t hurt others. I think sometimes people forget that most people have some strange beliefs that are based in nothing and aren’t exactly reasonable. It’s just what’s accepted weirdness and what’s not.

        1. ainomiaka*

          yeah, I do think clients is a grey area around harm. That’s a fair point. And yes so much on the “most people have some strange beliefs.”

        2. Reba*

          Re: “most people have some strange beliefs,” join me on a tangent:

          In the Book of Mormon musical, there is a delightful song about what the characters believe that is written to move from line to line from mainstream thing to wacky-sounding thing, and it is funny.

          And it makes a fair point that I have often thought, too — with religious beliefs, we’re talking about miracles. When “raising people from the dead” is on the table I don’t see why “long distance travel in antiquity” is necessarily outlandish.

          1. Temperance*

            I love, love, love Book of Mormon, and I totally agree with everything you’ve said here.

    2. CatCat*

      If someone’s differences don’t impact my daily life then I really don’t care what they’re doing. It doesn’t piss me off if someone thinks they’re a cat or whatever because it has nothing to do with me. Like… okay, you think you’re a cat. Weird, imo, but so what? Human beings believe a lot of things that strike me as weird. Doesn’t piss me off though. Otherwise it we be hard to go about life on this planet full of weirdos (self included).

      If a person who said they were a cat hissed or swiped at me though, I would shut that down. Just like any other behavior that was directed at me that I didn’t like.

      1. Hellanon*

        Hissing, swiping, or insisting that I start eating cat food is where I draw lines too (the latter being the source of my current state of simmering rage about legislation based on religious principles) – short of that, carry on with your purring or praying self, you know?

    3. Betsy*

      I tend to agree with you, even though I’ve always been in favour of people being able to express their differences and being accepted.

      I think establishing some sort of normative criteria could be good, or at least seeing arguments like the other day’s makes me think more about why some people’s claims to particular identities are more valid than other claims (and I think some *are* more valid; I don’t think identity is a free-for all where anyone can choose to be anything).

      It’s hard because I would say anyone who has really broken with reality (I am a wolf or my husband is an anime character) doesn’t need to have their claims taken at face value. But then some people might really be ahead of their times or visionary like scientists or visionaries (I’m pretty sure a lot of people would have thought Charles Darwin didn’t deserve his claims to be taken seriously, either) so I’m not sure this would work as a universal criterion.

      The notion of choice is interesting too, because religion is arguably more of a choice than sex or race, but I still think religions should be respected. I’m not sure whether choice could form part of a criterion here or not.

    4. Pollygrammer*

      Are you actively encountering alternative types, or are you just annoyed that they’re getting sympathetic attention from others?

    5. Temperance*

      I honestly don’t know what you mean by “coddling”. Someone who self-diagnoses with BPD has something wrong, even if it’s not that. Someone who identifies as a unicorn or what have you will face social scorn. I don’t think anyone is saying, hey, it’s really cool that you are this way.

    6. HannahS*

      I don’t really see it as coddling. I see it more as encouraging each other to be indifferent to how others live their lives. Like, on the one hand, someone’s claiming they’re married to an anime character and I don’t think that’s real but on the other hand nuns claim that they were called to marry Jesus and while I have different emotional reactions to those two situations, intellectually I have a hard time justifying why one should be socially accepted and the other ridiculed. I can completely admit that someone claiming to be married to anything other than a fellow human would trouble me, and I wouldn’t want to be around a nun who talked about Jesus all the time, but if she mentions it and I go “Oh, ok” and we move on, it’s all good. So I’d extend the same courtesy to anyone else. Is part of the reason you’re so frustrated is that many groups appropriate the language and struggles of LGBT+ people in their arguments for how oppressed they are because they can’t wear their horn at work? That drives me up the wall, and I’m a cis straight woman; I can only imagine how angry-making that would be for you.

      1. Just Another Weekend Warrior*

        I volunteer with a group of nuns who help traffiked teens. Not a single one of them claim to be “married to Jesus.” Most don’t wear the habit unless it’s a high religious day and they are attending services. This is a big progressive city, so this may not be true everywhere.

        But I have never been made to feel uncomfortable around a nun. I have, however, been made to feel uncomfortable by people who can’t separate reality from fiction and bring that nonsense to work.

        1. Fiennes*

          I think “but it makes me uncomfortable” is a very bad criterion for deciding who and who doesn’t get empathy. I tend to think otherkin/etc are genuinely troubled, but I also think that about a lot of behaviors that are socially acceptable. I’m also personally made uncomfortable by many behaviors that people absolutely have the right to pursue. In the end, I think you have to go by (a) is the behavior actually negatively impacting someone or something that you have the right or responsibility to look out for, and (b) is it something that’s within your power to change?

          If the answer to both those questions is no, then I think you’re better off trying to be compassionate. Obviously this approach isn’t appealing to you, but most people will be happier for adopting it.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I think that married to Jesus thing is something cultural inside the order. I know the Immaculate Conception Order was very fond of saying how they were married to the church. That could be something that was a focus for their order.

          1. many bells down*

            The nuns in “Call the Midwife” talk about how their order used to follow the tradition of wearing a wedding dress for your final vows as a nun. Because they did say they were marrying the church, or Jesus.
            The only nun I’ve personally known wore a wimple but not a full habit, and also a plain gold wedding band.

        3. Elizabeth H.*

          Ok, maybe not the people you met talked about that concept of being married to Jesus but there are many nuns who would say that if asked and who wear wedding rings. Just bc your nun friends are “cool” and “progressive” doesn’t mean you can ignore what it means to be a member of a religious order.

    7. Laura H*

      I’m copying and springing from part of a comment I made yesterday because I feel like it nails my stance on the issue.

      As a person with none of these tendancies, as a non-LGBT person- as someone who can really only go WTF at all this comparison stuff from the outside, my opinion is sorta small potatoes, but I feel like this kin stuff undermines (or has the potential to undermine) the progresses that other classes (lgbt, disabled,women- im prolly forgetting some) have made in the workplace and society.

      I don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate someone’s preferences- I do have to accommodate and acknowledge, but only to a certain point- that point varies… and that point is almost never MY call to make, unless I’m the uh receiver OR it’s waaaaaaaaaay out there (as was my sense of what went on re that letter writer’s conundrum.)

      It’s a slippery slope….

      1. ainomiaka*

        huh. I think that saying “well, you get the right to judge anything other than x” is not going to help any marginalized group, even if we expand x to technically include them. It’s part of the reason behind my “I hope never” statement above.

    8. Please let it be now*

      I am so sick of this stuff. I stopped buying food at work because over the past few years or so, everyone has developed a food allergy, or is triggered by the sight of tacos, or feels forks are a symbol of oppression since they joined an online community of woke sporks, or their comfort squirrel is offended by napkins. And this isn’t a millennial rant–this crap has spread at every age level.

      It’s frustrating at work and socially. I’m sorry, but I just can’t feel the same empathy for the person who asks we eliminate all blue clothing from the office as I do for the kid who needs an accommodation for his epilepsy. I can’t feel the same empathy for the struggle of someone who identifies as a mermaid as I can for someone who is facing anti-gay discrimination.

      1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

        I’m extremely curious about how much of this is hyperbole and how much of it is actually real. I have to admit, I’m not super encouraged by the fact that you started out with “everyone has developed a food allergy.”

        1. Please let it be now*

          The fork thing was a real complaint (not accommodated); the woke spork community was hyperbole. Tacos did cause a prolonged argument over who owned the right as to what an authentic taco was. The color blue request was real (accommodated). The squirrel was actually a ferret (sp?) with its own list of requests (not accommodated).

          I don’t actually work with anyone who identifies as a mermaid, so that’s hyperbole, but I’m sure that sometime soon I’ll receive a request for an aquatic cubicle. The gay employee facing discrimination and the epileptic employee were both also real, and yes, I did feel much more empathy toward both than I did toward the taco avenger.

          1. Temperance*

            <— ferret person

            Ferrets do have specialized diets, but non-ferret people do not and should not have to accommodate them.

            1. Please let it be now*

              They’re cute little buggers, but I just didn’t want one running around the office, especially since I guess it couldn’t be around any loud noises and also to keep the line clear between service animal and comfort animal.

              1. Temperance*

                I’m totally with you on that! Plus, frankly, ferrets are NOT service animals and it’s not really good for the ferret to be in such an environment. They have very specific needs and conditions, and the workplace environment would stress them out too much. I’m surprised your office allowed it.

          3. Managing to get by*

            Why would someone need to eliminate blue clothing from the workplace? Did this mean no one that worked there could wear anything blue? What about jeans? What if someone came in for an interview wearing a conservative blue suit?

            It doesn’t really sound like a reasonable accommodation. If I had an offer from a company and was told ” we don’t allow employees to wear the color blue ” I’d probably pass on the job.

        2. Turquoisecow*

          Same.

          Food allergies are a medical thing. It’s not coddling to accommodate a need for a peanut-free diet. It’s literally saving the person’s life. If that inconveniences you, well go eat your peanuts elsewhere.

      2. Barabell*

        Wow. You sound – really upset. I hope whatever’s bothering you settles down and you find your compassion and empathy again. Good luck!

      3. Just Another Weekend Warrior*

        2nd Paragraph is exaclty how I feel. No, you’re not being discriminated against because you think you’re Harry Potter. You want to play pretend and be Harry Potter on the weekends, fine. But you can’t wear a robe and try to cast spells on people at the office.

        (Yes, actually worked with a guy like this)

        1. Please let it be now*

          And when you don’t get a promotion, it’s not always because there is a Toxic Job conspiracy. Maybe the Ravenclaw really was just better at Excel than you are.

      5. all aboard the anon train*

        Most of these are over the top, but food allergies are pretty serious and shouldn’t be considered something people need to get over. Food allergies have become way more prevalent in the past decade or so, and I don’t think it’s fair to lump them into other non-issues as something that needs coddling or doesn’t deserve empathy.

        1. Please let it be now*

          Fair enough. Curmudgeonly as I am, I do not actually want anyone to go into shock. I think it’s just that the gluten folks are so…evangelical…at times.

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            There’s a difference, though, between people who choose to not eat gluten as a lifestyle choice and people who are actually allergic to it. I have a coworker who is severely allergic, to the point that she can’t sit in an area where there might be cross contamination because even a small trace of it will send her into shock and cause a hospital trip.

            The people who are loud about it and who lie about allergies deserve scorn, but people who are loud about it because they do have severe allergies do not deserve such judgment. I don’t have a gluten allergy, but you better believe I may be what you term “evangelical” if there’s shellfish at an event and someone decides to pick up shrimp cocktail with their hands and then touch the brownies and the veggie platter with those some hands. That cross contamination could mean going to the hospital or spending two days with extensive swelling, diarrhea, and vomiting.

            People who lie about food allergies or who choose to go vegan/paleo/gluten free as a lifestyle choice and not for medical or religious reasons are completely different from people who do have medical allergies. People really need to separate these because I’m honestly so tired of people judging those with food allergies for being strict or loud about it when it’s sometimes a matter of life and death.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I think the preaching is the actual problem. I don’t care if you are a wolf or whatever. Live your life as you see fit. Don’t preach to me about it, just do your work.

            But I would say the same about gluten free (I avoid gluten) or church goers (I go to church) or anything else. Okay so that is something for you, there is no need to talk about it daily and drone on and on. Life is full of many, many things. Make your point and move on, let’s talk about a wide variety of topics.

            In general terms it is considered rude to limit conversation to one topic. So there is that also.

      7. Betsy*

        I think there are certain types of people who have seen the kinds of valid celebrations we have of minority groups and their struggles, or the accomodations made for people with disabilities, for example, and have decided that they too want something that marks them out as different.

        However, what they don’t understand is that it’s much better not to have to suffer from discrimination in the first place, and that having a disability can make everyday life difficult. So they just want to be seen as special, but without the adversity that usually comes with this.

        (I don’t think otherkin or legitimate food allergies or dietary requirements fall into this category; I just think there are certain personality types that are trying to co-opt equity for their own purposes).

    9. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I think we’re on the road to recognizing that people are all really unique, and that the more freedom people have, the more different from one another we’re likely to become. I think this is a great thing! I already feel like the term “mentally ill” is bunk, because we all have weirdness and quirks and I feel like that term is just a line we’ve arbitrarily drawn in the sand of “these people aren’t normal, but they’re still normal” vs “these people aren’t normal and they’re not normal in a bad way”. When, in reality, the difference in many cases isn’t that people are neurologically similar, its just that some people are better able to subvert their own quirks and play along than others are.

      This plays out in all kinds of ways… for instance, I hate that our current economy prizes so highly the idea that you have to work in order to live, and then we intentionally structure “work” so it’s much easier for some people than others. We ascribe to a “bad work ethic” what in reality is simply a non-morning-person forced to function in a world that insists that good, normal people work 9-5 and that’s just that.

      Which is all to say… I’ve been trying really hard to exercise my empathy muscle more actively (and yep, I do fully believe it’s like a muscle). Is this person doing literally anything in the world that is harmful to me, or makes my life worse? If not, then they’re just another person trying to navigate a world that is probably extremely unfriendly to them.

      I’m not saying this is your approach AT ALL, but I always balk at a (commonly conservative) mindset where people disdain folks on, like, food stamps, because they seem to genuinely believe that those people are “getting away with something” and that that devalues their own work. Nope, it really doesn’t, your life is obviously one of more freedom and options than theirs, and I swear you can afford the $20 or whatever of your taxes that go to giving that person food.

      I feel like this is a similar sentiment. I feel like the natural implication of “we should stop coddling them” assumes 1) that people are being entirely too nice to them, which is likely generally untrue in their lives, and 2) that they would somehow gain from no longer being coddled? That all we really need to work these quirks out of people is to force them to endure a world that’s meaner to them, on purpose?

      I’m not saying you’re totally wrong… I don’t think that you need to tolerate clients being weirded out anime-boyfriend coworker. But I think you can generally be kind to people, even if that means “coddling” them, because it makes their experience in the one life they have just a bit better.

      1. Just Another Weekend Warrior*

        The Anime Boyfriend, the “Master” girl, the BPD girl, hell even the comment from before Christmas (?) about the special needs adult who was stealing and hitting people…these are all things that do not belong in the workplace.

        If people want to let their freak flag fly on the weekends, fine. But I’m not calling your boyfriend “master,” I’m not acknoledging that you think a fictional character is your love, and I sure as hell am not going to tolerate someone screaming at me because I don’t know what persona’s name they want me to call them on a given day.

      2. Dr. KMnO4*

        Perhaps I am misinterpreting your comment, but I disagree with you strongly on the term “mentally ill” being “bunk” because everyone has “weirdness and quirks”.

        I have multiple diagnosed mental illnesses. They are legitimate illnesses that affect the quality of my life and how I function. They are most certainly not “quirks”. I am not neurotypical. My brain chemistry is different than that of people who do not have the same illnesses that I do.

        I don’t like that there is a stigma around mental illnesses, but it is not wrong to point out that they exist and that they generally are detrimental to one’s quality of life.

        1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

          Oh sure, I didn’t mean to imply that mental illness doesn’t exist. I just think that neurotypical vs neuroatypical aren’t that useful, because it draws too clear a line between “this is OK” and “this is not OK.” I think that people should be more free to pursue the avenues that help them have better lives. You have a certain brain chemistry, and you find your life better if you take X medicine and do Y things in your life. I also have a certain brain chemistry, and it reacts to things differently than other brains do. I just don’t think its super useful to say that you’re mentally ill, while I’m not, even though my brain chemistry would probably benefit from, say, Adderall, even though I might not have a diagnosable condition that Adderall would be prescribed for.

          My overall point is that I think we’re moving away from generalized medicine and getting more personal. Different bodies react to different medicines in different ways for different reasons, and I think the more we consider medicine holistically (not in terms of like hokey stuff but just in terms of individuals who have unique chemistry), rather than as a set of symptoms that you treat with X medicine, the better off we’ll be as a species.

        2. Sylvan*

          I get where Kimberlee’s going – diversity is healthy and normal – and I also agree with you. I consider myself mentally ill because I have symptoms that are harmful to me or painful or hold me back, not because I judge the way I work as bad or because I’ve internalized others’ judgment.

          1. Sylvan*

            I think one example of this is ADHD. (Full disclosure: I’ve been diagnosed with it.) It’s a spectrum that runs from “happy, healthy, and easily distracted; barely diagnosable” to “disabled.”

            For some people, labelling it seems like unnecessarily pathologizing a part of them that is different from the norm, but not harmful. For other people, ADHD symptoms are a hindrance, or more severe, and finding a diagnosis opens up doors to understanding themselves, considering treatment, and learning more about managing it. Suggesting that people who lean towards the first group have anything “wrong” with them would be silly. Suggesting that people who lean towards the second are 100% healthy wouldn’t make much sense, and would downplay what they’re dealing with.

      3. Kendra*

        What exactly do you hate about the fact that “our current economy prizes so highly the idea that you have to work in order to live?” This seems like something that has been true for all of humanity since forever, because it takes a lot of work just to stay alive, and the current economy just means that work takes the form of a job instead of hunting animals or scavenging other kinds of food for yourself. I do believe that there are some people that society should take care of (children, the elderly, people who are sick, etc), is that what you are talking about?

        1. Alexa*

          I was just reading recently that back during hunter-gatherer times, the work it took to sustain yourself/family really only took about 15 hours per week. That’s how we had enough time to develop technology, culture, etc. But regardless of how much work ancient/prehistoric humans did, I think Kimberlee has a point. Our society largely determines one’s worth based on one’s usefulness or ability to contribute. (Think about how much people disdain those on welfare for “not contributing”.) While it makes sense why we’ve arrived at that particular ideology, it becomes problematic when you think of the kinds of people you mentioned: elderly, disabled, children, etc. If value is based on contribution, then the motivation for caring for these people comes from compassion, “out of the goodness of our hearts”. We so often treat disabled, elderly, or homeless people as though they are morally or intellectually inferior, ignoring their basic human dignity. I think that largely comes from our overemphasis on work as a measure of value.

          1. LilySparrow*

            I very, very much question the 15 hours idea. I seriously doubt that was true year-round, in every environment, for every role in a group.

            1. Yossarian*

              And must have a fairly small definiton of what qualifies as “work” and “non work”. Food gathering and shelter building is probably an easy shoe to the work category, but what about experimenting with medicine or food? Guarding against external threats (nature, animals, other people?) Home or community improvement?

    10. Sylvan*

      I think I missed the “BPD Girl” thing.

      Anyway I feel like the balance between “not coddling/enabling” and “not being a jerk” is hard to find, particularly when we’re irritated by the specific freak flag the person’s flying.

      Examples: a friend who overshared about her “demisexuality,” a friend who told everyone in her life about her kinks, and a friend who was surprisingly open about her boyfriend being a furry. WHY?

      I don’t want to be a rude, critical killjoy. I want to be empathetic when I can. I also don’t want to deal with this stuff.

      1. Just Another Weekend Warrior*

        Exactly. If what you’re doing is in the comfort of your own home or online outside of work, I don’t care if you’re on Tumblr all Saturday discussing your kin-types. But when you bring it to the office, and lay claims like “well, you don’t say anything about Don and she dresses like a man” then I have a problem. (Also, I’m a ‘he.’ And I don’t dress like a man, I am a man. My brain is wired to be a man)

        But I digress.

        1. pedos huele malo*

          It caught my eye the use of brain “wired” to be a man. How is that not propagating and reinforcing sex based stereotypes, ie. A man is one way, a woman is another. That sounds like what used to said to keep women in the kitchen, and men owners of property. It’s all in our heads.
          I’ve yet to find anyone who fits neatly into a little sex based box, are we all non-binary?

          1. Sylvan*

            Hey, sorry, but if you want to do this, could you start a different thread? It doesn’t really have much to do with this one, besides being a reply to a trans person who also replied to this thread.

        2. Reba*

          It sounds like that was a real incident that happened to you? If so, I’m so sorry. And for the person to both misgender you AND co-opt your experience at the same time…. that’s bold, dude.

      2. Sparkly Lady*

        Yes, that balance is the crux of the issue IMHO. I think the reason why “coddling” gets used so often is that sometimes, there is a demand that we essentially prop up what appears to be delusional behavior, either through pretending to believe something we don’t or through modifying our own behavior. It can come sometimes seem like the person is using the identity claim as a tool for control of others rather than a sincere expression of self.

        1. Sylvan*

          I’ve noticed some of the same, particularly in the mental-health-related forums and real life places I’ve visited, and sometimes in social justice groups that value respecting people’s identities and taking people at their word on lived experiences. These are almost always good things, but like you described, sometimes it enables something controlling. Or something just plain dumb.

          Oh no, I just remembered something. This LGBT group that I loved in college was inexplicably visited by several otherkin who thought this made them queer for whatever reason. I expected it to come to an end pretty quickly because it was bonkers, it had nothing to do with LGBT people or allies, and the group’s leaders were usually pretty good at handling weirdness. It went on for a couple of months! We were supposed to be open-minded.

    11. Old Timer*

      You need to google “The Final Fantasy 7 House” and the “Sarah Saga.” This crap of ‘I’m really a fictional character’ and/or ‘I’m married to one’ has been around long before Tumblr and the crappy parts of the internet.

    12. Clever Name*

      Who gets to define “different”? You? I’ve always been different. I think differently than most people. I have different interests. Etc. fortunately, I’ve found a job that values my differences no I’ve found my tribe. I’m just really glad I’m old enough to celebrate my weirdness and not care what “normal” people think.

    13. dr_silverware*

      Eh, I think that the out-there behavior you’re calling out is not actually happening as much as you think it is. There are a lot of communities, especially on the internet, that are so intensely insular and self-sustaining that the members look odd to the outside world. And they’re highly visible when they do emerge from their communities, or when someone ventures into that community to see how they talk to each other and comes back with screenshots to throw around.

      One, I think a lot of these online communities operate a lot like cults. They can be damaging; they’re insular; they’re estranged from the outside world; they involve odd beliefs; they can feel incredibly good to their members (what a community to have!). So talking about when a community like this is annoying, is legitimate, is whatever, gets into a similar conversation as you can have with cults. You can say all cults are bad! And X religion is also a cult! And Y religion is also a cult! Or you can say, man, that’s one weird religious belief that person has that I don’t agree with, and they’re weird, but they don’t actually seem to be in danger. I know which conversation I prefer.

      Two, if you’re thinking about this like these are delusions, I think there’s a lot of value in taking someone as they are. Are you ever going to change your distant acquaintance Becky who says she’s a cat? No. You just say, this is who she is right now, and you can take that or leave it.

      Basically, I think it’s crummy if someone’s co-opting language of oppression & gender & sexuality. I think it’s crummy when folks act harmfully out of their weirdness. But if none of that is happening, keep your complaining about the weirdos to the privacy of your own home–where you want the weirdos to keep themselves–and don’t put yourself on the slippery slope of joining the hordes of fedoras who already complain about the liberals on the internet.

    14. all aboard the anon train*

      If it’s not hurting anyone, I don’t really care. I do care when those people co-opt or act like their issues are in line with those of oppressed groups. You don’t get to say you identify as a unicorn and then act like people not accepting that identity is in anyway similar to someone who is facing persecution for their race, sexuality, or religion.

      But tbh, in my experience, the people who coddle such individuals are usually extreme social justice soapboxers – the type who, if you say “I like sandwiches”, will berate you for liking sandwiches because some people might not be able to afford sandwiches or eat them because of allergies, so how dare you say you like them. There’s a difference between coddling and just ignoring their unusual activities and going on with your life.

      In the grand scheme of things, it’s annoying at times, but it’s not really a huge presence and I think this is more prevalent in online communities than irl. I’m not going to waste too much time getting worked up about it when I can get worked up about white feminism and the lack of intersectional equality or cis straight allies acting like they know what’s best for the LGBTQA community.

    15. Andrea*

      I’d like some long-term studies on this subject – do people grow out of this kind of thing at some point? A lot of commenters here mention having similar fantasies when they were children but grew out of them as time went by. Given a lot of people involved in this kind of thing are still quite young, it’s quite possible it’s just a phase, and if so, what’s the harm in indulging them for now?

    16. First time buyer*

      I’m curious what you’d suggest be done, I tend to agree that someone having a seriously held belief that they’re married to an anime character is extremely odd (although not harmful in its self) but if they’re suffering some grand delusion, that needs proper professional treatment not a bunch of coworkers calling them out and trying to force them to change there word view. It seems to me the best thing to do would be politely not engage or assert a reasonable boundary (such as telling anime coworker, no one that works here talks about there partners that much or like that in the work place) and I don’t see the need to be so harsh towards people who aren’t hurting anyone else.

    17. IncognitoForThis*

      I agree. I do. I think it’s weird. As a manager, I would never allow my employee to tell clients she was married to a cartoon character. It shows a lack of judgement and common sense. It’s out of touch, infantile, and possibly indicative of a mental health issue.

      That being said, a mental health issue is not shameful, and I fully support that person getting help. I know my answer sounds callous, but I’m really not. I just can’t do the coddling/going along with ridiculous behavior thing in anyone over elementary age.

    18. Triple Anon*

      What do you mean by coddling? And how does it affect you? That’s where I draw the line. If someone tells me they’re a cat, fine. They’re free to do that. If they come into my yard, climb my trees, try to attack the birds and then expect me to be ok with it because they’re a cat . . . Well, probably not. Because how would I tell if they really believed they were a cat or if it was just an excuse to do things that humans don’t get to do? It wouldn’t be fair for me to keep putting up with it. But I’ve never heard of anything analogous to that. Instead, a lot of this seems to fall into the live and let live / mind your own business category. Unless I’m missing something? Are people being coddled? Is there an impact on other people besides just being expected to be polite about it?

  26. WellRed*

    Any suggestions where to get an ear repierced, besides by a 16 year old at the Claire’s in the mall?

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Yup. A reputable body-piercing place will use different tools (not the gun which is awful), have good hygiene protocols in place, and most staff are (or should be) first-aid trained in case a client faints or something. They will also be able to educate clients on post-piercing care beyond the usual “put this stuff on it”.

      2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Yes. Emphatically yes. A good tattoo/piercing parlor is the place to go.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Go to a tattoo and piercing place. They’re much better trained, do more of them, there’s less chance of infection and you’ll get better results. Ask around for recommendations. Some doctor’s office also offer piercing, and some salon and spas offer it as well.

    3. Pollygrammer*

      When I was 20, I put in two conch piercings (thickest cartilage) with a sewing needle, sterilized with a lighter and rubbing alcohol. Do not do this.

      But those piercings healed better than the lobe piercings I got done at Claire’s when i was 10.

      1. WellRed*

        I’ve had it done at Claire’s a few times. But it eventually closes back up. I wonder if getting it done at a tattoo place will help? For the record, originally done when I was 8 and was fine for a couple decades.

        1. Forking Great Username*

          Claire’s uses a piercing gun that just pushes the skin out of the way. The hollowing needles used at tattoo places are definitely superior and way less likely to close back up.

        2. Saradactyl*

          Why did it close up? Are you taking it out before or during the healing?

          I do echo the other comments – go to a piercing studio! A good medium to search might be using the APP website, they’re the Association for Professional Piercers and even though not all APP member studios are guaranteed to be good, you have to meet certain standards to be a member and those standards are generally the starting point for a good studio.

            1. CoffeeLover*

              Well… piercings will close after some time no matter where or how you get them done. The longer you’ve worn the piercing the longer it will take to close, but they will all eventually close (unless you’re doing stretching). I will go without earings for a couple of weeks in my main 2 holes (which I got as a baby) but the others (I have about 10) I always keep in. Tattoo places are definitely the best, but they’re WAY more expensive (like $50 per piercing vs $10 at Claires) and I only ever did my cartilage and body piercings there. If you’re getting a regular lobe piercing it doesn’t really seem worth it.

              1. Natalie*

                Eh, once the piercing is old enough it takes years if ever for it to close. I literally went a decade without wearing earrings and nothing closed up.

    4. Barabell*

      Find a good tattoo and piercing place. Check out reviews and testimonials online. Don’t go anywhere that uses the gun!

    6. Elizabeth H.*

      Like everyone else said, go to a tattoo and piercing place. The more extreme the tattoos and piercings the staff has, the more professional, experienced and hygienic they will be, so you can look for that if you are worried about assessing the quality of the place. I got my conventional ear piercing done by a guy named Pineapple with 3 inch gauges and full face tattoo.

  27. Kali*

    Does anyone know how to invert the Y-axis on excel 2016? My Y-axis goes from 4500 to -500 and I want -500 at the top. Google has failed me and this is driving me maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

    1. periwinkle*

      1. Click on the axis values to select it, then right-click to bring up the editing menu.
      2. Select “Format Axis”
      3. Click the box for “Values in reverse order.”

      1. Kali*

        All those links give me the same advice as periwinkle. My comment with a screenshot attached should show up soon. Basically, when I follow the instructions to open the ‘format axis’ menu, there is no ‘values in reverse order’ box anywhere.

  28. Foreign Octopus*

    Just an update to let you all know that my cat, Bones, is doing so much better after the chaos of the last month.

    The surgeon said on Monday that her eye is now out of danger and healing nicely. She no longer needs antibiotic injections or anti-inflammatory injections daily (woo-hoo!) and we only have to see the surgeon once a week now, which is a relief to my wallet!

    She’s become so much more playful and she’s started running through the flat again, which she hasn’t done since the self-inflicted accident. She also accepts the eye drops much easier now. I no longer have to burrito her and put her in her carrier. I can just crouch behind her and get her that way.

    Thank you to everyone who was so supportive, who shared my GoFundMe page, and who donated. I was blown away by the kindness that we received and it made the last month so much easier to handle, both emotionally and financially.

    2. Casuan*

      Yay, Bones!!
      Thanks for the update; ever since I read your first post, I’ve thought of you both.

  29. ainomiaka*

    Sort of related to a letter this week, but I want a non-work example. Customer service apologize. Particularly when they have no interest in changing the situation. Does it help? What should people do?
    example. I have a thing I ordered that was supposed to be here yesterday but hasn’t even shipped yet. The place can’t tell me when it is going to ship. At all. I personally hate “we apologize for the inconvenience.” They don’t care enough to change their business process. They don’t feel bad enough to give me something to take to the bank. It just feels emotionally manipulative and condescending to me. What do other people think/want to see in that situation?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      To be honest, I hate those “apologies”.

      They’re just there for politeness sake and it smacks me as really disingenuous. I’d much rather they just get straight to the point instead of wasting my time with an apology that has been memorised and spoken so many times to so many customers. Just solve the problem. That’s apology enough.

      1. ainomiaka*

        yes, I agree that solving the problem is apology enough. I’m specifically thinking of cases like mentioned on the thread where the problem isn’t going to be solved because the solution would be against policy/the law, or my example above where they aren’t going to change their business practices. What, if anything is the right thing to do? I tend to just stop using companies that do this, but I’m wondering if people have found a good option.

      2. nep*

        +1
        They are just so scripted, contrived. Like the opposite of apologising. It often feels like nothing short of mockery.

        1. fposte*

          For me the ones that I hate are “Our menu options have recently changed” (no, they haven’t) and “We are receiving a higher than normal call volume” (no, you’re not). Or “Click here to contact us” which clicks to something that clicks to something that clicks to a dead link.

          1. ainomiaka*

            oh my goodness yes on the “we’re experiencing higher than normal call/order volumes” ALL the time. No, you aren’t. You’re just not willing to pay enough staff to deal with your normal workload.

      3. Sylvan*

        On the other hand, not apologizing can get you yelled at. Callers will shout if you apologize, too, but a few of them will be placated, so it’s worth a shot. (The yelling is why I don’t do customer service anymore.) And if the problem can’t be solved – or if the problem is actually not solvable by the customer service rep at all! – all you can do is sympathize with the caller.

        1. ainomiaka*

          I get this, and it was sort of the crux of my question. Businesses do it because it works. And for all that the business is just deciding not to meet my need, it wasn’t the customer service person making that decision. So. . . what is the right strategy as a customer? How do I actually get my needs met?

          1. Sylvan*

            There probably isn’t much of a connection between people in customer service and people in shipping – but they must have some way of handling it when somebody never receives their order at all, right? What if something happens to a package en route or it’s stolen from the recipient’s doorstep?

            Depending on how long it’s been since you placed your order and how urgent your order is, I would ask them about starting that process.

            If they do have the ability to tell you when your delivery is going to be shipped after all, or they can put you in touch with somebody who can tell you, they’ll do that.

            My own company had bad delivery people that we weren’t able to get our hands on ourselves. We did, however, have a couple of points of contact with their managers, and we could reach out on behalf of customers. That didn’t get instant solutions because there was more back-and-forth than any customer could possibly want to wait through, but it did get problems solved.

            If they aren’t able to connect you to somebody helpful or get in touch with somebody themselves, they can at least offer a refund so you can take your business to a company that has its shit together.

    2. CatCat*

      I’d like there to be some reasonable explanation so I know their shit is actually together (e.g., a serious snow storm delayed an order I placed recently, that’s certainly reasonable cause for delay). If not, something to rectify the situation. (I’ve noticed Amazon is pretty good about this.)

      If it’s just “sorry for the inconvenience!” but there’s no solution, why would I believe you’re actually going to fulfill the order? I’ve canceled orders before for goods and services when I don’t have confidence that the order will actually be reasonably fulfilled and it really is super inconvenient (service techs not showing is the one that totally grinds my gears).

      1. many bells down*

        I’ve recently spent 3 MONTHS in a fight with Amazon over a “fulfilled by Amazon” order that they refuse to do anything about. Only, SIX different CS reps PROMISED me that I’d be fully refunded. And then nothing would happen. When I finally got a supervisor, s/he said “I’m sorry that you were given inaccurate information but we can’t do anything for you.”

        That is the worst non-apology ever. Not even one acknowledgement that not only did their seller lie to me, but ALL of the Amazon reps I spoke to lied as well.

        1. Natalie*

          Maybe time to talk to your bank about a chargeback? And I mean soon, because you usually only have 3 months or so to do one. (Also banks will often do this for debit cards as well so don’t let that stop you.)

          1. Former Employee*

            Ditto. Get the credit card company/bank involved and be really clear as to why, i.e., that you tried repeatedly to get Amazon to do what they should have done in the first place, to no avail.

            Good luck!

    3. fposte*

      For me it depends how boilerplate it is, but mostly I think the absence of an apology is worse than the presence. At least the apology acknowledges they need to apologize.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That is my go-to.
        I remember commenting to my father years ago, “So-and-so apologized but it sounded robotic/ heavily scripted.” His reply was, “The person had enough of their wits about them to realize they needed to make an effort to apologize.”

        I have hung on to that. I know for myself I have made apologizes that were not the most heartfelt sounding because of fatigue/distraction/busyness. I was glad that people saw through that and realized I was saying “I see you DO have a problem.”

    4. ThatGirl*

      I work in a CS role, and when people sound angry we’re trained to say “I’m sorry to hear that” or “I’m sorry for your frustration” as a social soother. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone get mad at me for saying it, but it does help to sort of gauge the situation first.

      1. ainomiaka*

        oh see and this is exactly what I will get mad and be shorter with, even if I try not to take it out on the poor rep.

        1. ThatGirl*

          I mean, if I can fix a problem I will… but a lot of times people DO seem to want to hear some kind of apology first.

    5. Mephyle*

      I agree that fixing it is a better apology than saying the words “we apologize”, but an apologetic attitude is one order better than making transparently false excuses, which is one order better than aggressively blaming the customer.

    6. INTP*

      Usually the frontline customer service person isn’t someone with the authority to change the business practices or tell you what went wrong, and the apology is an attempt to diffuse the anger in the situation. So it’s emotional manipulation in the sense that the goal is to make you calm down and be less angry, but it’s not malicious and it doesn’t piss me off.

      I do get pissed at the business itself when they have repeated or major issues and no interest in giving anyone the authority to solve the problem for me. History and reputation of quality customer service definitely play a role in where I choose to spend money.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      There are so many angles to this question and there is no one size fits all answer.

      We cannot console people who will not allow us to console them. “I am sorry, that is not a service my company offers”, will lead angry people to get angrier but problem solving people will seek another company. Perhaps the latter group will ask for recommendations of where to go next.

      Item not shipped yet and no date given: I had this problem with Walmart recently. I ordered a LARGE item. I think they did apologize but they had no idea when they would ship it to me. I needed the large item, SOON. For planning purposes I could have moved my plan to coincide with the delivery of the item, but I needed to know when that delivery would happen.
      Crickets.
      This went on for weeks. They had my money the whole time. When the UPS truck came the guy could not find the package because the shipping info said it was a 9 pound package. No. It was a 109 pound package. He thought he was looking for a little box, not the box over in the corner roughly the size of a grown adult.

      I was always shown in business that an apology has two pieces: 1) the apology itself and 2) an explanation of why not OR a new plan to remedy the situation. Both pieces have to happen.
      But it is up to the company to teach it’s employees how to handle the angry customer and companies are not doing this. Massive fail, just massive.

      Pretty much what I used for angry people was to restate what I just said. “Sir, I have apologized for your problem here. I have explained to you the limits of what we offer [or I have explained to you what I will do to help you]. This is the most I can do here. I cannot do any thing further.”

      Each of us is entitled to feel what ever emotions we have. So, sure, this can feel condescending and manipulative. But we can decide not to be manipulated and stay focused on resolving the problem. “That is nice of you to apologize on behalf of the company. However I still need This Thing for my project. I have a contractor WAITING for it to arrive. The fact that it is not here is costing me money. Now how do we find out when the delivery date will be?”

      I do think we can expect more of this in the future. Society is pretty demanding of its businesses. Everything is moving so fast. We have lost something. We have lost the idea that there is a person on the other end of the phone line or the other end of the order. A person just like US, with homes, commitments, time constraints, the whole works. The proof is in the pudding, as companies instruct employees not to apologize and customers do not try to contain their poor behavior. The failure to be civil is happening on both ends of the phone/email. Where I see it the worst is with the cable company, the phone company and medical offices. But that is my small world.

      We don’t encourage civil behavior by NOT being civil ourselves. It starts with each of us.

    8. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Keep in mind that depending on the size of the outfit you’re dealing with, the person apologizing for the inconvenience probably has no ability to change the business practice.

      Imagine that the person you’re talking to has zero power to change what’s going on. How would you want them to respond?

    9. Pollygrammer*

      The worst? “Thank you for your patience” or “thank your for your understanding.”
      Anybody else ride DC Metro? They love using those lines. I’m not being patient, I am literally trapped and can’t go anywhere.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I can’t imagine how a basic, formulaic civility could be “emotionally manipulative?”

      No, they don’t care how you feel. Why should they? It’s not a date. It’s a business transaction. If you don’t think the representative is handling things properly, escalate the case to a manager. If waiting for the shipping isn’t worth it, cancel your order.

      I am glad when businesses use routine courtesies, because it’s more pleasant than hearing, “Nope, it didn’t ship.” (*crickets*)

      But I don’t expect them to act distraught or change their business model.

  30. Pimple Face Date*

    Just a rant… I have a date tonight with a guy who I really like, but who I haven’t seen for two months due to both of our work commitments. And this morning I woke up with the worst breakout I’ve had in literally years! I’m not going to lie, I cried. Why do our bodies do this to us?

    1. Laura H*

      It’s the Printers can sense when you’re in a deadline thing. Or alternatively timing sucks.

      :( I am so sorry you’re encountering this.

    2. Kuododi*

      Oh that just blows!!!! I don’t know how to help this situation but for future reference… I have discovered a little smear of plain toothpaste on the blemish before bedtime usually clears it up by morning. (Grandma’s old fashioned remedy actually works in this situation!!!) I don’t know how well it helps for the major cystic acne but I have had good luck with that remedy for the garden variety nuisance blemishes. Best wishes on your date!!!!

    3. dawbs*

      Our bodies hate us.
      FWIW, when Mr. Dawbs and I were dating (*cough cough, ages ago when dinos roamed cough*) he went to the doctor w/ horrific acne. And the doctor couldn’t find anything wrong then eventually asked if there were any…’hormonal changes’ in his life.
      Apparently dating = breaking out for him-literally.
      Meds and the hormones being ‘normal’ eventually got it evened out.

  31. Middle School Teacher*

    Any Call the Midwife fans in the house? This whole season has been gutting (and I’m normally not an emotional tv viewer), but I’ve been sobbing every episode and last week’s in particular just about killed me :( I’m almost afraid to watch tomorrow’s episode!

    1. Menacia*

      Yes! Absolutely love that series as it is historical and fascinating, and yes, terriblely heart-breaking at times. What never ceases to amaze the kindness that emanates from those who care for the patients in each episode. So lovely to watch.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I usually find something uplifting in each episode, but the last two have been just devastating for me!

    2. many bells down*

      Lord. worse than the end of Season 5 with the Thalidomide and Patsy’s girlfriend getting hit by a truck!?!

      I was mad that my Amazon PBS channel wasn’t carrying the new season but now I might be relieved.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I bawled my eyes out last week. I’m simultaneously excited for and dreading tomorrow’s episode.

    3. Rookie Manager*

      Oh man! Last week was a tears fest! I have to prepare myself to watch each week.

      Would recommend the series of books of you haven’t read them. Really interesting and powerful.

    4. Ron McDon*

      Huge fan of previous series, but not enjoying this one so much. What I particularly noticed in the ‘smallpox’ episode is there seem to be more of the ‘long shot of people smiling at each other in a simpering way’ scenes. Almost as though there’s not quite enough dialogue to fill the time slot, so let’s have lots of lingering looks…!

      But it’s still one of my fave shows (along with Endeavour), and I proper sobbed last week!

  32. nep*

    Anyone familiar with Yona? A group of women working on redesigning the vaginal speculum. They’ve got a video on their website of this ‘radical empathy’ experiment they did with three men.
    yonacareDOTcom / You get to the video by clicking on ‘our process’ at the top.

    1. Ann O.*

      I was not familiar, but I looked at their website and what they’re doing looks awesome.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Who were those men? Obviously they aren’t healthcare providers, or they would know what gynecology is and have seen a speculum before. I guess I don’t get the connection of how doing radical empathy roleplays with random guys is going to improve women’s health care. Maybe it said at the end- I didn’t watch the whole thing because it started squicking me out.

      I think modifying healthcare practices to improve patient experience and outcomes is a great thing, obviously.

      But there’s something about the tone of the website that put my shoulders around my ears. It made me think of some smothery kind of quasi-authority figures I’ve met (school counselors, nurses, my eldest sister-in-law, some family friends) who keep asking in a soothing, super-concerned voice, “Are you *sure* you’re okay? Let me *help*you.”

      Ew, ick.

      I’ve been fortunate to have always had female gyn’s, and good rapport with nearly all of them. My college also had a fantastic peer-to-peer intro session for the women’s health clinic. They passed around a disposable speculum and talked about what to expect, and everyone got the chance to make the duck noises, and it was all very upbeat.
      Annuals for me rate about like a teeth cleaning: not fun, but I just want it to be clean, professional, and quick.

      I know a lot of folks are uncomfortable getting care for different reasons, and if it helps them, great. But the copy and the video gave me the heebies.

      1. Jules the First*

        With respect, you’ve also been blessed with anatomy that makes your pelvic exam no biggie. We’ve tried absolutely everything for me (and I also had that peer to peer session in college) and every single pelvic reduces me to tears on the table. I’m all for a redesign of the speculum (actually, I’m convinced that modern technology must have a better way to do this, period), and I will swallow any amount of sugar coating, nannying, or slightly-creepy meditation apps if someone can make the process less painful for those of us with unconventional anatomy.

  33. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I believe I am experiencing (or just experienced) my first ocular migraine. I have “regular” migraines, but this was a first. While I was walking the dog this morning, I saw shimmering in my vision and seemed to have weird blind spots in my peripheral vision. Thought it was my contacts. Then it went away but came back after a couple of hours. For once, WebMd and its ilk were very helpful, telling me it’s not serious and will likely go away on its own. I have mild nausea and a very mild headache, and the weather has changed dramatically here so I’m not super shocked. I also know several people who have had complex migraines. But still, it’s not a comfortable feeling. Does anyone else get these or migraines like them?

    1. Overeducated*

      I do! I don’t get regular migraines, fortunately, but I get shimmering that turns into blind spots that turns into a headache. Had one last week, they seem pretty random. Usually Advil and/or closing my eyes for a while helps. Hope yours are treatable the same way.

    2. Ali G*

      I do too! In fact I never get “regular migraines.” I usually wake up with them in the morning and they seem to be linked to being dehydrated (for me at least). I typically go blind from the shimmering stuff in my vision for about 10-15 min and then it goes away. Sometimes I have a little lingering headache, but not much. My other symptoms tend to be indigestion and upset stomach and sometimes a little nausea.

    3. Bluebell*

      I’ve had the shimmer migraines for years. Haven’t found any patterns to them. No headaches along with them fortunately. It can make reading challenging but it’s not debilitating thankfully.

    4. Accidental Analyst*

      I’ve had something similar. I’ve sometimes ended up having a narrow section of vision where I can focus and everything else is blurred. It reminds me of tunnel vision (assuming the tunnel is made out of swirly glass). It’s annoying and I can’t work with it but would 100% take it over my more infrequent, have to lay in the dark, pray for unconsciousness migraines.

      More practically with the peripheral visions ones I find they end quicker if I can avoid looking at screens and reading. If I can’t avoid those I try to shift my gaze away from the screen/page as much as possible

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Thank you! While I hate that this is a thing, I’m kind of comforted that it is a thing. I started to get a little freaked out. I now have a headache that feels close to one of my usual migraines but isn’t nearly as debilitating. I took some Excedrin and just ate lunch (which should help the nausea), and I should probably put the laptop down and go back to bingeing season 3 of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

    6. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Yes, I’ve had three, each a few years apart.

      The first one totally freaked me out, but my husband looked it up (I couldn’t read) and reassured me, and it passed within an hour or so.

      The second happened at work and was a massive inconvenience – it was still too difficult to read a computer screen after it passed so I had to go home early, I’d cycled to work but had to leave my bike there because I didn’t trust my vision enough to bike home, it was super bright outside and I didn’t have sunglasses – so it just pissed me off.

      The third one happened at home when I didn’t have anything else going on and tbh I found I actually quite enjoyed it! I don’t feel any kind of pain, so I sat back and enjoyed the show, then sat in a dark room with my eyes closed and listened to podcasts for while until I felt normal again.

    7. Red Reader*

      I’ve had one migraine in my life, and it came with aphasia. Like, I was driving down the road singing along with the radio and suddenly I couldn’t sing along with my favorite songs anymore. I knew the words, but they weren’t coming out right – “night” became “white” and so on. Scared the bejesus out of me. But that was two years ago and it’s never happened again, knock wood.

      1. Reba*

        Ooh I’ve had that, too. Only once. I struggled to tell people what was happening and what I needed–it felt like the words were very far away. It was terrifying.

    8. Valancy Snaith*

      I’ve had them a few times–maybe 3-5x times in my life? They go away after an hour or so, and leave me really tired and out of it for a little while. I’ve never had a doctor blink an eye at them, apparently they’re pretty normal. Mine are like a blind spot with shimmer at the edges that gradually grows, then fades away. If I feel one coming on I try to leave whatever I’m doing and lie down in a dark room, and even if it doesn’t help it makes me feel better.

    9. Sarah LR*

      AvonLady! I hope you are feeling better now! I hesitate to post this, because I **don’t** want to be that alarmist person on the internet with a horror story, and I’m not trying to scare you, so please forgive me!

      I had those symptoms on/off for a few years. The doctors always told me “it’s just a migraine” and sent me on my way. 2 years ago I went for a routine appointment for my eyeglasses prescription. The optometrist dilated my eyes. He was looking at them and doing his thing, and he stopped all of a sudden. His face went white as a sheet. He then sat down and told me to call my doctor immediately because he saw “papilledema” in both of my eyes and that I would need to rule out a brain tumor ASAP. The man looked like he was going to cry. I’ll never forget that moment. I just sat there in shock. That routine eyeglasses appointment changed my life. Thankfully, after multiple CT scans and MRI scans, we now know that I do not have a brain tumor. I do however have a disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hyptertension (aka Pseudotumor Cerebri) so it basically acts like a brain tumor without the actual tumor being present. They believe it was caused by the birth control I was on, along with a few other health factors that were in play at the time.

      Again, I’m not trying to be an alarmist. I’m not trying to scare you. But I could’ve gone blind and been permanently disabled if this horrible disease hadn’t been caught in time. My doctors were quick to write me off as “just another headache” but I’m one of the few who ended up with something much much worse and much more complicated to treat. I live with daily, chronic headaches and mild nausea. Changes in weather/pressure also affect my headaches. I am on strong medication to help take the pressure off the nerves in my eyes so that my eyesight is protected as much as possible. Grey outs/flashing lights/blackouts/spots in the peripheral vision are rare for me now, but happened much more frequently before I started on medication. My headaches were always mild and never debilitating.

      If these episodes increase in frequency or worsen, please see your doctor for referral to 1.) an ophthalmologist and 2.) a neurologist, so you can have a proper workup done. I’m sorry if I’m coming across as an alarmist but when I saw what you wrote, I just had to chime in. I guess my point is that if this does not go away or if it gets worse, it can’t hurt to see your doctor about it. The chances of it being anything more than a migraine are *really* slim, but I’m living proof that sometimes, weird sh!t really does happen. This all started when I was 29. It has changed my life in many ways, but I’m thankful to still have my vision in tact.

      I really really hope it gets better for you and that it’s just a standard pain in the ass migraine! Good luck to you :)

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Agree with the above, with the addition that migraines do change character, so it’s reassuring that you did already have migraines. Many places you should be able to see an ophthalmologist without a referral for a routine vision and eye health exam, so you may be able to get that done even if your PCP doesn’t/won’t send you. Not a bad idea to have regular eye exams regardless of migraine status.

        And as far as migraines go, I get pretty much everything. Simple migraines with just a terrible headache and classic migraines with the sensitivity to light, sound, smells, scintillating scotomata, aphasia once, numbness and tingling of one side of my face or body, and on rare and exciting occasions, hemiplegic migraine. Usually I can’t see during the aura phase and then my head hurts too badly to function during the headache phase.

      2. the gold digger*

        Ophthamology professor who examined me at the optometry school observed the same thing in me – said it could be a tumor or could be medication. He reviewed my medication and said that the oral erythromycin I was taking for my skin could cause it and to stop taking it.

        I was furious because my regular doc, who had prescribed my imitrex and the erythromycin, had not figured out that the erythromycin could be a problem.

    10. Anon attorney*

      Yes, I’ve had a few. Google scintillating scotoma if you haven’t already. I find they are stress related. The first time I was worried I was having a stroke or seizure but now I find them half annoying, half fascinating. Mine only last 20 minutes or so but I have to lie down and close my eyes otherwise I find them intolerable. Luckily I don’t get headache afterwards although feel tired and a bit odd.

      I could have done without the one I had on the freeway though! I had to take the next exit and pull over until it passed.

      1. LCL*

        I had my first one when I was driving, on a sunny day wearing polarized sunglasses, and got massive vertigo as a result. Something about seeing the dots in the windshield and the moving pavement, I had to pull over too.

        I had my second one two days ago, I have been taking prescription steroids and having all kinds of body weirdness. I was at home so NBD.

    11. Reba*

      Yes, this is the classic presentation for me. In the past several years I’ve also started getting numbness/pins-and-needles as part of the aura, usually in small patches on the opposite side of the body of where the headache will appear. Bodies are wild.

    12. Earthwalker*

      I thought all migraines were the regular kind until I got an odd one. I came home from work feeling tired and punky and then saw this zigzag pattern around the view in my right eye. I asked the optometrist, thinking it was a torn retina or something, and he said it was an optical migraine. I hadn’t had a headache, but he said you can get them without headaches. Headache-less migraines: who knew?

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve never had this but I have a friend who gets them. Mine are a very bad pain on one side of my head, and they usually involve the eye in that reading or looking at videos, etc. is disorienting. The only thing to do is go to sleep. Sometimes a painkiller will help; Excedrin migraine or the generic is good, or in a pinch, I can pop an Alka-Seltzer Plus packet into water and chug that. They usually show up shortly before a visit from Auntie Flo, but sometimes I wake up with one. Not sure why; probably not drinking enough water.

      I’ve only had one classic migraine–couldn’t see, couldn’t move as the pain was so bad, nausea, etc.–and I NEVER want another one. Evah.

    14. Temperance*

      I get them on occasion. It’s usually accompanied by extreme tiredness, and if I don’t get a quick nap, it goes out into a regular migraine.

  35. Computer says no*

    Whoops I realise I didn’t post this in the weekend free for all. I’ll repost it.

    Update for those who read my comment last time. Things aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. He got a suspended sentence, and I am seeing him today as I still have a lot of his things. He lost his job ofc so now he’s starting from scratch. He is deeply apologetic for his crime and has owned it and that he needs help from professionals. This is good. Things will never be the same but I want to keep in touch with him so he doesn’t feel completely abandoned plus our lives are so entwined I want to make sure he is taking this second chance to redo his life. He is living at his mum’s now.

    Also he dropped by again had more of a heart to heart. Is it weird that I don’t feel so heartbroken over him anymore? Considering he is the love of my life and all. I don’t feel like I need him or want him anymore in that respect.

    1. fposte*

      It sounds like you’re finding some peaceful ways to make a hard journey. I’m glad that’s so.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      No, not weird. It sounds like you have a balanced sense of reality. You have respect for this person but you have not allowed yourself to become chained to them.
      FWIW, the judge probably saw something there also. That is why the sentence was suspended.
      Sometimes people make crappy choices and we just cannot stay with them on their road.

    3. Reba*

      You sound compassionate and like you are approaching this thoughtfully. So much has happened in a short time! I’m glad you’re doing better.

  36. OC to DC*

    My H recently got into a PhD program and last night we made the decision that he’ll accept and we’re going to move. I cried at dinner. I mean, not like hysterically crying, but definitely had some tears I couldn’t control as I ate my pizza. I’ve never lived more than an hour and some change away from my parents. I’m an only child and as my parents get older, now I feel like I’m abandoning them.
    My in laws might move out with us because my MIL hates her job and we’d be moving right next to a hospital that focuses on her specialty. Pro: my in laws are great! My parents are so close to retirement, maybe they’d move out by us too…IDK.

    This is all so new. I don’t know where to begin, but…everything is going to be fine.

    1. Ali G*

      That’s hard! I’m sorry you have to go through that (especially leaving the OC for DC – I live in the DC area so I get to say that :p). Do you think your parents will visit you? Do you have siblings nearby so you won’t feel like you are leaving them alone? I have to believe they won’t resent you for doing what’s best for your life/relationship – they will love you no matter where you live!

    2. Ree*

      I’m an only child from Southern California too!
      My husband and I moved to the Kansas Coty area almost 7 years ago.
      My in laws have not/will not move to be near us, because my BIL and nieces are in their town and we don’t have kids.
      My parents retired, kept a vacation home they had in the mountains in California and bought a house near the beach in South Carolina…sooooo they didn’t even try to move near us, haha!

      All that to say, we don’t regret moving away from our families. We knew that either or both of our parents were capable of moving to be near us and we also committed to ourselves to visiting SoCal once a year to see them.
      Ultimately we both believe that our parents chose to live/work/raise their families where they thought was the best place and now we get to make that decision as well.

      Best of luck with your move!!

  37. Justin*

    I mentioned a while back that I was applying for a doctoral program (it would be part-time – I’m not quitting my job! – and my job would pay for about 35-40% of it). Yesterday we had group interviews and some other stuff, the very last step before we find out one way or the other.

    So in the new few weeks, I’ll know a lot about my future. It’s a privileged thing to say, but my undergrad and MA I sort of went in without passion, but this would really be something meaningful to me, and I’d be following in my great-uncle’s footsteps with an EdD (he was a Tuskegee Airman, and is kind of a hero, though I barely knew him).

    So fingers crossed.

    1. fposte*

      You can really make a difference with an EdD, so I can understand the passion. And that’s seriously cool both that you’ve got a Tuskegee Airman in the family and that you might be following in his land-based footsteps. Good luck to you on the admission!

      1. Justin*

        Yeah I wish I knew him better (only really saw him at weddings and funerals), but following from afar decades later would be cool.

        Thanks! I really hope it works out.

  38. Ali G*

    Need makeup help!
    I think now that I am almost 40 my hormones are going a little crazy (it’s also possible I am peri-menopausal but that is a conversation with my doc I will have soon). Basically I break out every time I wear makeup. I can’t wash my face more than once a day or it dries out, and every make up remover I have used (wipes, cold cream, micellar water, etc.) either irritates my skin, doesn’t clean everything and I break out or clogs my pores and I break out.
    I was using Physicians Formula, Aveeeno and Nuetrogena make up products and for a while that was OK, but now I am reacting to those as well. I haven’t worn makeup with the exception of a few occasions for the bulk of the past year because every time I do I know I’ll be delaing with zits afterwards. But now I am job hunting and I really want to be able to wear makeup to interviews.
    I am looking for recommendations for someone with sensitive skin for make up and make up removers (that actually remove make up without freaking out my skin!).
    Any thoughts appreciated!

    1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      What types of makeup do you use? I used to do the whole foundation thing, but now I just use HD powder to control oil (sounds like that’s not a problem you have!) so maybe you’ll react less by just skipping the stuff that you apply to larger areas? My daily makeup is brow pencil (I have pale brows), mascara, a swipe of shimmer eyeshadow if I’m not feeling lazy, and some lipstick or gloss. I feel like my skin has generally calmed down a lot since I just stopped worrying about making my skin look better en masse (I have large pores, acne scars, zits from time to time, dry patches, the whole nine yards).

      I use whatever makeup-removing stuff is on peapod, but I’ll say that the best makeup remover I ever used was oil-based, so it didn’t sell well because people are always wary of using oil on their faces. I feel like those worries are a bit overblown, especially if you’re just using it around your eyes (which, like, is the only place I have makeup that is actually hard to remove).

      Otherwise, my biggest secret for removing makeup is to just not use waterproof mascara. I gravitate toward mascaras that sort of powder off, rather than smearing everywhere when you wash your face. They’re rare, but wonderful. Right now, I’m using Radial Glamolash XXL, which never gives me raccoon eyes after washing with my Neutrogene Ultra-Gentle.

    2. Always science-ing*

      For context, I have rosacea and mild acne issues. Everyone’s skin is different but this is what works for me. The first thing that comes to mind is that if you can’t wash your face without it drying out you should consider reevaluating your current process. It sounds like either your cleanser might be too harsh or your moisturizer not effective enough. For moisturizer Cetaphil products have worked well for me (and been recommended by multiple dermatologists). I also use Cetaphil oily skin cleanser. For make-up I’m not sure what you’re wearing on your skin, but just washing with Cetaphil removes my face make-up. If I’m wearing eye make-up I only use make-up remover in the eye area. Almond or olive oil are options to try if commercial removers irritate your skin. Remove eye make-up prior to cleansing and then aslo wash the eye area when you wash your face. Make-up removers are all oil based so I’d avoid using them on facial skin if you’re prone to acne. One final thing to evaluate is your make-up. It may be the culprit here. Ensure you’re using hypoallergenic, etc. products. and perhaps try a light powder foundation instead of a cream. Good luck, I hope some of this is helpful!

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m wondering if you could be developing an allergy? My mom was in the same boat, suddenly products she had used for years were making her break out (and Leo develop rough red patches on her skin). Her doc sent her for an allergy test and it turned out she was allergic to trace metals (like nickel), which is present in tiny compounds in soaps and shampoos. She’s had to work to seek out products which have nothing metallic in them; I think she’s had good luck with kiehl’s stuff. Might it be worth pursuing, even to rule it out?

    4. MissCPA*

      I have mild rosacea and decided I wanted to try a powder foundation after years of liquid foundation. I have dry skin in the winter and no amount of moisturizer helps it. I second the powder foundation recommendation. I have been putting a dab of concealer on my cheeks to hide redness and then going in with the powder. I’ve been using the bare essentials matte formula and have found with their primer (which I loved even before using their foundation) is amazing and lasts all day. I have no real recommendations for the breakouts, because my skin is luckily very tame, but I would try for powder if you’ve been using liquid/cream.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Have you tried washing your face with oatmeal? Grind up a bunch of dry oats in a blender or food processor until fairly fine (not quite flour stage). Use a tablespoon or two with some warm water (make a paste in your hand), apply and scrub around face, and then rinse with a warm cloth. My mom does this as she has eczema patches on her face.

      Also, I have some sensitive skin (not quite like hers though) and use emu oil for moisteurizing.

      1. Ali G*

        Thanks All!
        There are some good suggestions in here. I think it might be time to visit the dermatologist. For clarity, when I do wear make up, I usually use a tinted BB cream (Aveeno) topped with a foundation powder (Physician’s Formula). Powder blush, liquid eyeliner and mascara (waterproof). I use Neutrogena cream cleanser, but it could still be too drying. ugh! :)
        I hadn’t thought about the allergy thing – that’s interesting. But I do think my skin is no longer tolerating the same products as it used to.

        1. Alexa*

          In addition to all of these suggestions, I’d like to add a resource that’s been super helpful to me. Beautypedia(dot)com is a website run by dermatologists and scientists that reviews common makeup and skincare brands for things like whether or not their claims are even reasonable, if the packaging will destroy any active ingredients, if any common irritants are included, or if the concentration of some hyped ingredient is too low to actually be effective, etc. Helps me get through all the BS of makeup advertising.

          1. Natalie*

            Yes! Love them. I developed a really effective skincare routine using their reviews after a dermatologist actually made things worse.

    6. Ann O.*

      My skin also changed as I neared 40. I can’t entirely tell from your description, but it sounds like in a similar way in that it got noticeably drier.

      So I switched to using almond oil for a nightly cleanser and rose water in the morning (if I felt I need it). I also use a facial moisturizer in the morning. I don’t use anything else on a routine basis because it’s all too harsh for my skin. When I wear heavy makeup (which I sometimes do for my part-time circus life), I use a moisturizing cleanser. I use a gentle exfoliator twice a week or so.

      I don’t know if any of that will work for you, but what I notice in your description is that it doesn’t sound like you’re using anything moisturizing.

    7. Jess*

      My skin is sensitive, and any kind of cream or lotion tends to make me break out – for a while Laura Mercier foundation worked well, but eventually even that caused spots. What I use now is Lily Lolo powder mineral foundation (I tried a few and this was the only one that was non-shiny and felt comfortable for me, but I know others have joy with bare minerals etc), plus regular eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. The powder foundation has made a huge difference and is the only way I can do foundation without breakouts. I use lush ultrabland cleanser and a facecloth to wash it at night, and then once I feel my skin is clean I wash again with warm water and a clean facecloth to make sure I’ve really got it all. I also have a huge stack of cheap microfibre cloths, so I always have a clean one, and I wash the brush I use to apply the foundation weekly. On no foundation days I just use warm water and the facecloth.

      I hope you find something that works for you – I dread the day this routine stops working for me and I have to go back to the drawing board!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      When do you wash your face? I switched to washing it before bed. Then in the morning I just rinse it with water, no soap. For such a simple change, I was surprised by the difference.

      1. water wash*

        This is what I do! I started breaking out all the time in my late 30s, early 40s. Nothing I tried worked – a mixture of cleaners, moisturizers, and acne treatments, both expensive and cheap stuff. I think my face settled down eventually on its own (now I’m mid-40s), and though my face is still prone to dryness, it doesn’t break out that badly. Every moisturizer I’ve tried on my face has made it break out, so now I find that washing my face during my nightly shower and just rinsing in plain water in the morning is enough to keep the dryness tolerable. (So it’s still not great but I can get away with it.)

    9. Parenthetically*

      Please check out Environmental Working Group ratings of various types of makeup! Even “natural” brands can have all kinds of irritants, fragrance, and other undesirables. EWG dot org slash skindeep

      I use Everyday Minerals foundation when I wear makeup, and it’s extremely hypoallergenic! Mineral makeup would absolutely be something to investigate.

    10. Odelie*

      I would recommend seeing a dermatologist to get to the bottom of things. My skin is sensitive and acne prone. For products, I use Make Up For Ever sens’eyes (it’s from Sephora) to remove my eye makeup. Wipes are okay, but they can irritate your skin. For makeup removal, I use a cleansing balm or CereVe cleanser. Be careful using Neutrogena makeup. My aunt had a reaction and found out that it was from an ingredient used in Neutrogena. (Not saying that this is causing your reaction, but it might be helpful to look at the ingredients list.) Good luck!

    11. LilySparrow*

      I have had really sensitive skin my whole life, and for many years just had to change products periodically because I’d become sensitized to them. For me, finding basic products with less ambitious goals (and, I suppose, less ingredients) is usually the way to go. At this point I can almost always smell if a product is going to cause a reaction. It’s not always the same smell – sometimes it’s unscented products. But if I cringe when I smell it, I don’t use it. And if it smells okay to me, I don’t have an issue (unless I’ve been using it daily for many months – then it can turn on me)

      For makeup removal, I use plain coconut oil and then wipe it off with either a sensitive baby wipe, plain tissue, or a washcloth with warm water (not always the same thing). Then I follow up with a mild cleanser. Aveeno calming is working well for me right now.

      I’ve also had good success with the Lacura line from Aldi’s, believe it or not. I use their cleanser and night cream. Sometimes if it’s very dry, I’ll use coconut oil instead of night cream.

      Once a week or so I’ll use a generic apricot scrub with salicylic acid, depending how things feel.

      Daytime, I use either the sensitive Oil of Olay with sunscreen or a generic version. Then a tinted moisturizer/BB cream. Right now, Cover Girl is doing fine for me. I use a concealer stick on my eye bags (I don’t worry too much about those because my undereye doesn’t react to anything), and put on pressed powder with a brush.

      I really liked the pure minerals powder foundation and never reacted to it. I just quit using it because it was so expensive.

      The key principles I’d advise are to rest your skin whenever you can; don’t let hot shower water hit your face; look for simple, single-purpose products with little or no fragrance; vary your routine within the week; and be prepared to experiment a bit.

    12. BlueBloodMoon*

      I have wildly sensitive skin (eczema, acne and blisters now from products). Even cetaphil cleanser is too much. I’ve switched to the Vanicream cleanser and CeraVe lotion. ***the best thing** I’ve done is use special eye wipes (Dr Fischer) and use those and nothing else on my eyes. And no exfoliators beyond a washcloth.

      I can use Blinq or Clinique mascara, maybe a hypoallergenic foundation. I’m fortunate I don’t need to (or particularly want to) wear makeup, as it’s clear I’m not able. I also recommend a dermatologist – I’m on 2 prescriptions and my skin in good enough now to forgoe foundation. I think micellular water is okay but I cannot use it on my eyes.

      I cannot use any of the brand you’ve listed. I think you need to go one level deeper into the hypoallergenic/boring/bland.

    13. MissDissplaced*

      It might be hormonal. As I hit my late 40s everything changed and I had to reevaluate all my makeup, which had previously been based around oily t-zone. Unfortunately, finding products that worked for me that didn’t cause breakouts was a lot of trial and error (and money!).
      One suggestion. I found I can’t wear makeup with SPF built-in. Makes my skin irritated and breakouts. It’s in, like literally every BB and CC foundation so I have to look closely at them before I buy. Get samples!

    14. Boredatwork*

      *note my suggestions are not cheap*

      I have horrible skin, it’s sensitive, exremely fair and basically a shade of red all the time.

      The dhc cleansing oil will remove every ounce of makeup and is very gentle. If you go to their website & use the chat feature they’ll send you a sample.

      The Jane ire dale makeup line is life changing, it’s the only foundation I can wear. They will send you samples in the mail to find your shade.

      I recently bought that ridiculous looking netragena light mask, and I swear it’s the best $20 I’ve spent in a long time. I really helps with killing pimples with no chemicals

      Hope this helps and happy job hunting!

    15. GRA*

      Late to the replying here, but I turned 40 last year and I feel your skin pain. I have gotten rid of ALL my products and now just use coconut oil for everything on my face. I wash my face with it (take about a dime amount, warm it in my hands, rub all over my face/neck, take a warm washcloth and wipe it all off), spot moisturize with it (usually don’t need to, though, since some of the oil stays on my face after “washing”), and my skin is looking better than it ever has! I slowly brought back some of my make-up, product by product, but honestly don’t need as much now. Not sure if it will work for you, but thought I’d share. FYI: it took about three months to start seeing results, but now I’ll never go back to using anything else!

  39. Almost Violet Miller*

    ***mindfulness update***

    I haven’t been practising as much as I would have liked due to the thing that we do not discuss on weekends and also because I was preparing my big trip coming up next week (exciting!).
    I want to get back into the habit of doing 3-5 minute self check-in meditations, even at the bus stop or in the bathroom at work. Those really help me cope with stressful situations and I calm down by ackowledging all the feelings I have and knowing they are temporary.
    If I manage to go to bed on time, 10-20 minutes in the morning ( Ilove the morning sun!) will help me kick off my day in a more mindful mode. If you have any tips for going to bed earlier and becoming more of a morning person, please share.
    I’m going to attend bi-weekly sessions whenever I can. These are organised by the instructor I had. I enjoy meditation in groups with a guide.
    How are you doing, The RO Cat? Anyone else on the mindfulness journey?

    1. Accidental Analyst*

      Not a morning person but have been getting up at 6. Things that help (that I don’t always do): go to bed/get out of bed at the same time each day, don’t use the snooze function, reduce the time I spend in bed after waking (I force myself to get dressed for exercise), make a deliberate decision if I’m not getting up early

      Still working on incorporating mindfulness. I do some guided meditations (not as regularly as I should). I have activities that I try to do mindfully: showering, brushing the cat, weekly bath. Throughout the day I try and have little moments where I focus on my breathing or just focus on something I can see. I’ll also read books/websites and listen to podcasts. I choose to incorporate what works for me. Feeling calmer and more in control with it but still a long way to go.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I do it weekly with a group and try to sit at least once a day (I sort of pulled back for a while, but I’m gradually resuming). I don’t like to do it when I first get up because I’m so sluggish then I would just fall back asleep; for me it’s helpful later in the day. My Saturday group is in the morning but later, at 9.

      I’ve found that doing meditation regularly and practicing mindfulness has helped me be more calm overall. It’s definitely helped my anxiety. No tips for getting up earlier, except for going to bed earlier.

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Bout the morning session: I usually woke up at about 6 am, now it’s 5:45, to accomodate the mindfulness session. But my program goes: wake up – coffee (and cigarettes) for 20 – 30 mins – mindfulness for 20 mins – back to the regular morning. The wake-up pause of coffee makes it work, otherwise I’d fall back asleep, too.

    3. The RO-Cat*

      Hey, Almost Violet! Been thinking of you. It seems someone in this world knows me and developped an app just to my liking, the Insight Timer app. Since I’ve installed it (some 2 weeks ago) I never missed a day without meditating (usually 2 sessions, one in the morning, one before going to bed. The morning one is totally worth moving wake-up time by 15 mins. The night time one is half meditation, half relaxation – makes falling asleep so much easier).

      If you want to put some structure in your practice I’d suggest going to Present Moment Mindfulness website. They’re the ones with whom I took my MBSR course that just ended. It’s online, with 2,5 hrs/Saturday commitment and it’s donation-based. They helped me a lot to get regularity in an otherwise chaotic practice.

      In other news, this Tuesday will be my very first minsdfulness facilitation session. I’ll keep you posted next weekend. Serene days, y’all!

      1. Almost Violet Miller*

        Thanks for the ideas. I’m going to try the app, it sounds like what I need.

        Last night I went to bed early, did a short meditation and woke up totally well-rested at 7, so that might be the way to go.

        I am so excited for you for the session! Let us know how it went.

  40. Accidental Analyst*

    I’m hoping for some help with apps for iPhone and iPad. I’ve done a bit of research but analysis paralysis has struck.

    RSS reader
    I currently use commafeed but it’s web based and I want to move to an app. Things I really want:
    * Uncluttered interface
    * No ads
    * Not subscription based – ok with a one off fee
    * Not tied to a third party RSS services
    * Has the whole article – where supported by the feed

    Things I’d like:
    * Being able to add/edit/delete feeds in the app not through a website
    * Being able to set the frequency at which different feeds refresh

    Podcast
    I currently use apple podcasts. I’ve like it less since iOS 11 came out. I swear I used to be able have channels that would only include downloaded episodes etc. Things I really want:
    * Easy UI
    * No ads in the app
    * No subscription – ok with one off fee
    * Schedule when things download
    * Have channels that only play downloaded episodes
    * Block using mobile data to listen

    Things I like:
    * Being able to set the default play order across all channels/shows

    Any help greatfully appreciated. They’re small things that are slightly impacting on my quality of life that I just haven’t been able to get sorted myself.

    1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I use BeyondPod for podcasts, and I really like it. Its free with ads or a one-time fee (and if you download and tolerate it for awhile, they usually do a discount on the fee at some point… I think I upgraded at Black Friday for maybe $2). It has all those settings I believe, though I listen to few enough podcasts that I just download manually and have a single playlist that I add things to manually as well. I think you can set both broad download/delete specs and ones for individual shows, iirc.

      1. Accidental Analyst*

        Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately it doesn’t appear to have an iOS version.

    3. Nicole76*

      I really love Feedly and use the free version. From there I save articles to Pocket to read later if I don’t have the time (although you can bookmark in Feedly as well).

      I’d be interested to hear what people suggest for podcasts too. I’ve recently gotten back into them and have been using Apple’s stock app but it does kinda suck.

    4. Typhon Worker Bee*

      I’ve used PocketCasts for podcasts ever since Apple finally broke their own app badly enough that I just couldn’t deal with it any more. I don’t know if you can schedule downloads since I don’t do that, but it meets the other needs you listed.

      I use Newsblur for RSS feeds, but it is subscription based if you have a lot of feeds (I think there’s a free version if you only have a few, but I have a TON so I pay the annual fee).

    7. Fiddlesticks*

      Overcast or Downcast are great podcast apps! Overcast probably looks a little bit slicker, but if you’re a serious podcast power user, I think Downcast still has the best suite of tools in the business.

  41. The Senior Wrangler*

    I got the results of my DNA testing kit last weekend. I am 98.9% North and Western European and 1.1% English (which I’m taking to mean Native Briton). I live in England, so I was a little surprised to have so little “English” DNA, and also for it to be spread over such a (relatively) small area.
    Anybody else done one? What were your results?

    1. Sylvan*

      These tests look for certain genetic markers that are common in people of certain places. People moved around throughout Europe and the rest of the world for thousands of years. The genetic markers that you share with the generalized people of Place X don’t mean that you aren’t descended from people who spent their lives in Place Y.

      I took a test and turned out to have way more English ancestry than I thought. I am a white American with some English names in the family tree, so I expected some English results, but I was surprised at the amount.

      I also expected to have roughly a quarter of my results from my great-grandparents’ home country, because records showed that their family lived in the same place for hundreds of years. I didn’t. I had results from countries surrounding theirs and just a little bit from that one country. It made sense when you thought about how much trade there was between those countries and how often, over hundreds of years, fairly diverse people could have married into the same family.

    2. Kj*

      I’m not as interested for me, but I want to know my husband’s results. He is Portuguese on his dad’s side and he has very thick, black, curly hair. Many people assume he is biracial due to the hair. I LOVE his hair, he of course hates it. I am really curious what his genome says. I am pregnant with our first kid and I am curious for them as well. I am 100% sure I am european/british to the core, as I am super-pale, reddish hair, blue eyes.

    3. Clever Name*

      My parents did this and my dad is like 86% British isles and my mom is 75% Scandinavian. We’re American.

    4. Mephyle*

      My daughter just did this and she is 48% German. That would be me. Now I don’t need to bother testing my own DNA. She was expecting Eastern European because my parents were born in what is now Ukraine, but that didn’t take into account that my ancestors migrated eastward from Germany two or three centuries ago. Until the era of modern communication, they lived in separate villages from the locals, conserving their own language and customs, and, it seems, not intermarrying with them either.

    5. Hrovitnir*

      I did one – for the health stuff, but you get the ancestry stuff bundled. Considering I’m ~1/4 Maori and there is so much less data on Pacific people I take it with even more of a grain of salt than I otherwise would, but it’s still fun. To my knowledge I’m a bit short of 1/4 Maori (a smattering of other ethnicities a long time ago), have one Danish ancestor and the rest is mostly Scottish.

      My results were 83.4% European, 9.1% East Asian & Native American (which I suspect actually comes from being Maori), 6.6% Oceanian. Within European 34.6% British and Irish, 31.2% Broadly Northwestern European.

      My maternal haplogroup is B4a1a1, the Polynesian motif – apparently almost universal in Pacific peoples but rare elsewhere. I do believe there are some novel Maori variants but I ain’t one of those.

    6. Drama Mama*

      I have done ancestral DNA through three of the different companies (Ancestry, MyHeritage, 23 and Me) over the years, with *radically* different results each time.

      For example, MyHeritage showed I was 48% Italian. No known Italian in my ancestors, and neither of the other two tests shows any Italian, or even close.

      Ancestry said I was 23% sub-Saharan African. Also no African results on the other two tests and I’m a pasty white redhead who only has color from freckles.

      I’ve come to the conclusion its all hooey.

      1. Someone else*

        I read an article a few months ago that I now cannot find, but the gist was that most people taking the tests don’t actually know what the companies’ methodologies are. What these tests do is compare your DNA to the DNA of people who, now, live in whichever countries. So the assumption is because you have X markers that are very common to people currently from that area, you must be whatever % that. But it’s inherently flawed because there is movement between countries (duh why else would anyone take this type of test to tell them where their ancestors were from). So you’re coming up as having similar markers to whomever is currently there, which is not necessarily who was there 100 years ago when your ancestors may or may not have been, AND it’s a moving target as people continue to move around, AND their math is only as good as their sample size. So one of the reasons you get drastically different results from the different companies is because depending on each company’s sample from wherever, what markers they’re aware of/associate with wherever are different. But the more people take the tests the more confident they get in their process because they have larger samples sizes to cross reference. That was the gist of it.

        2. The Senior Wrangler*

          I think as long as you take it with a pinch of salt and are generally aware of the rough history or the areas involved they can be useful and interesting, but of course they’re not perfect. Probably worth doing some from several companies to get more of an overview.

      2. Star Nursery*

        My siblings both sent in the tests (I declined to do it) and since got back varying results they freaked out thinking that one of them must have had a different father, but honestly I think they do have the same father.

        My gut tells me these types of tests aren’t terribly accurate.

    7. Thlayli*

      I saw an article where they took identical triplets and had them all tested and they came back with the same nationalities but the percentages differed by as muchas 10% – for people with identical genes. So it’s not terribly accurate.

      1. Anono-me*

        I read the same story. What I thought was really strange was that the test itself actually confirmed all three triplets as being genetically identical.

    8. LCL*

      I’m waiting until my mom dies before I take one. My dad, before they met and I suspect sometimes after was a rambling man. It would be too hard on her to find out about any other children. My mom reads a lot and still makes her own decisions and is interested in science; if she wanted a genetic test she would have brought up the subject herself.

  42. Casuan*

    Suggestions on cutting the landline cord?
    Have you regretted ditching your landline or thought you did it too soon?
    What bluetooth devices do you like & dislike?

    For quite some time I’ve been wanting to cut my landline, however there are two things that keep me from doing so: preserving the number, reception & voice quality.

    re preserving the number:
    This is my primary reason for wanting to keep my landline. I’ve had the number for over twenty years & I’m not keen on losing it. I’ve thought to port the number to a mobile although when I looked into that I was told I can’t port it into the same service as my mobile, although I could port it to a different company then transfer after several months.
    Ummm… what?!?!?
    Now that I think of it, it’s been a while since I researched that, so possibly that’s changed now & I can port it to the same service.

    re reception & voice quality:
    This is big factor, too. It’s the can-you-hear-me-now cliché. With certain people the reception is really good & with others it’s just frustrating.
    I hate-hate-hate having to concentrate so much on literally listening for clarity & it makes it difficult on understanding what was said. It doesn’t matter if I’m holding the mobile to my ear, using speakerphone, on a corded headset, or Bluetooth.

    re Bluetooth:
    My Plantronics Voyager headphone has consistently high ratings for my needs yet still it falls short, mostly in making myself heard. I’ve tried all of the suggestions to improve this with limited effect. It makes sense this is a PICNIC issue so I try to be conscientious as to how I speak.
    Siri can almost never understand me— often with results that would be hilarious if it wasn’t so frustrating. Google’s voice recognition is so much better & it makes me question how much of a PICNIC this really is.
    I’m willing to spend for a really decent Bluetooth headphone (one ear), although I’m not certain which that would be.
    What have you used & what are your likes & dislikes?

    PICNIC = Problem In Chair Not In Computer

    1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      Hahaha wish I’d read to the bottom of your post before I spent time googling PICNIC.

      So, I don’t have a landline and I’m really happy about it. If you do need to port to a different service, I highly recommend Ting, which allows you to have a number associated with a device and only pay for what you use (for voice, data and messages), with per-unit pricing going down as you use more. It’s what we use, and I’m thinking about getting a 202 number (our local area code) on a phone JUST so we can maybe use our building door buzzer, because the base cost is just, like, $7 a month.

      For quality… idk, I feel like landlines aren’t THAT great, especially since you’re likely to be talking to someone else on celluar or VOIP. I honestly don’t remember the last time I talked on a landline… my past 3 offices or so have been fully VOIP.

      When I am concerned about sound quality, I prefer to use a computer connected with ethernet and using Google Hangouts to make the call with my gaming headset. But I’ve done it with good wifi too and that was fine. And the calls are free (mostly), and you can do it right from your Gmail window.

    2. CAA*

      We had the same concern about preserving our number, so I moved our landline to a Google Voice number and plugged our old landline phone into an OBihai device. If you have multiple phones, you can even plug the OBi into a jack and all of the phones will work. The one time costs for setting this up were under $100 and there is no monthly cost. We no longer do business with AT&T, so that saves $35/month and this solution has long since paid for itself.

      The drawbacks are that it is VOIP, so if our Internet service is poor or down, we do lose the ability to use the phone. Though, if the phone is down, Google will still take messages and email us the transcripts and audio files. Also, we don’t have 911 service unless we pay a subscription fee to OBi, which we don’t do. If we need to call 911, we will have to do it from our cell phones.

      1. CAA*

        I should also say if you want to do this, I recommend getting a new gmail address and porting your number to that address instead of using an existing gmail address. You have to give the gmail password to OBi, and I just think it’s safer to have a separate account.

        Also, if you happen to use Google Fi for cellular, that service is built on Google Voice and you can’t forward one Voice number to another, so that limits you from forwarding your home number to your cell number.

      2. Nicole76*

        That’s interesting that you had the option not to subscribe to 911 service. We had Magicjack and had to pay an additional $11 annually for 911 (which we were informed was required). Between the shoddy service and the app not providing quality reception (it sounded OK through the cordless phone but then I couldn’t use my Bluetooth headset), and the fact that only our mothers called the landline, it no longer seemed worth it. So we’re back to cellphones only for now.

        1. CAA*

          Well, technically I think our configuration violates the FCC rules requiring E911 services, but I have no idea who’s in violation here. It’s hard to tell if it would be Google or OBi.

    3. Red Reader*

      The last time I had a landline was 2003, but I don’t want a phone for calls anyway.

      My parents moved a couple years ago and finally ditched the landline at that point, just using their cell phones. I’m not aware of any troubles they’ve had, and for my purposes, the only “problem” is that I still remember the landline number because 30 years of calling it, and I can’t cement either of their cell phone numbers into my brain so I have to look my dad’s number up if I want to use his loyalty card at the grocery store or gas station. (I don’t go to his chain of grocery stores very often, so I don’t have a card for them myself, but he collects the points, so I just use his on the rare occasion that I do go.)

    4. Dear liza dear liza*

      I resisted cutting the landline because I hate, hate, hate the diminished quality of sound you get through cell. But then when everyone I knew cut the cord, including my *grandma*, I found it didn’t matter how good my landline was since the other end was icky cell.

      We did port our landline number through Ting, but at that point (years ago) it wasn’t a big deal.

    5. Anono-me*

      My place has less than steller reception. (many theories). For about 6 months before I got rid of my landline, I had my friends and family make calls from various locations around the house and rate the connection. One provider was significantly better, so that part of my choice was easy.

      1. Anono-me*

        I had my friends and family make calls from various locations in my house on their own phones then rate the connection and tell me which provider they used.

    6. Earthwalker*

      We switched from landline to T-Mobile because it cost the same for two flip phones as for our landline, so we could make the swap without additional cost. Hated the flip phones. They worked badly (you couldn’t hear someone speaking half the time) and were a source of ridicule at work. Switched to Republic Wireless and Moto G smartphones which cost a little less than the T-Mobile service even when you figure in buying the phone outright instead of leasing. They work better. Occasionally we have to switch between Wifi and cell when a “can you hear me” problem comes up, but we can usually get almost-landline levels of service that way. I’ve taken late night overseas audio meetings on mine and it did fine. At under $200 the Moto G isn’t the smartphone you buy to make your friends jealous but it does all the normal things smartphones do, takes a decent picture, holds a lot of music and Kindle/Audible books, and runs Android apps. The cost is roughly equivalent to what we used to pay for a landline. I don’t miss the landline anymore.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Can’t speak as to Bluetooth–my thingy is just one of those Jabra ones. It works fine but isn’t very intuitive to use and I often accidentally hang up on people with it.

      When I had a landline, I also had DSL but websites outgrew it, and it was soooooo slow. Bugged me to death. When AT&T bought DirecTV, I decided to ditch both that and my landline to get away from the Death Star. So I got T-Mobile and went cell-only. I’d had a basic smartphone with Net10 to avoid contracts with ETAs and when I found out T-Mobile had no contract full-service plans, I was like “Hell yeah.”

      I haven’t really regretted it. I can call 911, the plan lets me use it overseas, and their reception is a TON better than it used to be. Plus, I saved some money by ditching the three separate bills and getting cable internet so I can stream shows. Even with Netflix, Hulu, and Britbox subscriptions, I still pay less overall. And I have a Google Voice number for job hunting/using wherever that rings through to my cell.

      OH YEAH and if my internet goes down, or I’m at mum’s or in a hotel with super slow wi-fi, I can tether that bad boy to my laptop and go online. Net10 would not let me do that, nor could I use my smartphone when I went to Britain in 2014 as anything but a camera.

    8. Casuan*

      Thanks for the feedback! It helps & makes me feel more secure to do it. Also your comments made me realise that sometimes a landline-to-mobile call is a bad connection so I might not be forfeiting as much quality as I’m thinking I would.
      :-D

    9. water wash*

      Re: Bluetooth, I have used two highly rated plantronics earpieces. They both were horrible, in actual use. One was very comfortable and clear for me but *every single person* on the other end, no matter what provider or phone they had, complained bitterly that it magnified all the background noise coming from my end. So closing a Tupperware container sounded to the other person like a gunshot.

      Since the point of using a bluetooth earpiece for me was to free up my hands to do chores or move around as I talked, I stopped using it. Now I use plug-in earphones that are still comfortable but don’t magnify the noise, and I’ve given up on talking while doing other stuff.

      1. Casuan*

        That’s what my friends tell me about my Plantronics Voyager. Also, my iPhone’s voice recognition sucks when I use the earpiece, which I attribute more to the iOS than Bluetooth. I’m relying more on Google Assistant because the voice recognition is way much better.
        Probably I should just invest in an armband to hold my mobile so I can then use corded earphones.
        Thanks for the infos!

    10. Mm Hmm*

      Hmm, I know a number of people who have multiple lines on single cell phones, on a variety of carriers. You might want to talk with someone else about moving your land line number to your cell in addition to your cell number.

  43. Gc1234*

    Does anyone have friendship advice?

    I have a very close friend who is flaky to the extreme and I don’t cope well with it.

    She cancelled today with under 39 minutes notice and has been super apologetic but I don’t know how to accept gracefully. This has been a pattern over the last year – cancelling with short notice.

    I considered if the friendship was worth it last year and decided it was because when we do meet up it’s a lot of fun.

    I want to explain that I would rather not make plans than make them and cancel but don’t know how to say that without coming across as rude.

    I am also aware that a lot of this is on me, I’m quite lonely at the moment and having a hard time. That’s not her fault, she doesn’t know it and I don’t want to take that out on her.

    1. fposte*

      It’s really hard to negotiate a friendship across mismatched styles like that. Do you know why she cancels? Is it anxiety or last-minute plans with somebody else, or do you never know?

      Personally, I’d say make the assessment that it sounds like you’ve already made–is it worth staying friends with her if this is what her friendship looks like? If the answer is yes, try to make plans that are still fun for you if she cancels. That may mean “let’s meet at the movie that I want to see anyway” or “come by my house and we’ll hang out in the backyard and play with the dog.” That way you minimize the loss with her cancellation.

      I’m not ruling out a conversation about how it hurts your feelings if she cancels and that you’d like to get a better balance of certainty even if it meant she wasn’t committing to stuff. But I think the odds of that changing her aren’t great and they depend a lot on why she’s cancelling, so I’m focusing on the things you’re likely to have more control over.

    2. blergarg*

      If you’re distant friends, I’d say something like ‘I’ve noticed youre canceling plans a lot lately (time 1, time 2), and I wonder if anything’s up? I bring this up because it’s a little disappointing/a bummer to make plans and then cancel them last minute. ‘

      If you’re better friends than that, I’d just be honest, and explain the extent of your problem carefully. ‘You know I love you, but you’ve been canceling a lot on me lately, and it leaves hours of time in my schedule.’ If you’re really close, I’d even mention the hard time part, and how you need support atm.

      I’m sorry you’re lonely. I just moved to a new city, and can be very lonely too. Good luck, and I hope she and other friends pull through for you!

    3. INTP*

      Can you keep up the friendship without banking plans on her? For example, invite her along on things you’d be doing with or without her, like group activities, or a shopping trip you’d equally enjoy alone. Or just invite her to do something at the last minute when you feel like being spontaneous or something else falls through. It might feel rude to a planner personality to only invite someone at the last minute, but speaking for the flakes of the world, we don’t mind at all. (It’s a lot easier actually because we can say yes if we feel like it and no if we don’t instead of trying to guess ahead of time how we’ll feel in the moment.)

      Basically, keep hanging out with her but without putting yourself in a position to feel like your day has been messed up if she cancels.

    4. Casuan*

      Gc1234, this is something I’ve experienced as well. I had a friend who was flaky in several ways & continual tardiness was one of them. After much internal debate, asking other friends for their thoughts & my own soul searching, I came to the difficult decision to let the friendship go. Now- years later- whenever I think of her I’m a bit sad from it although I’ve never regretted my decision.

      To make this decision, I had to answer several questions.
      -Was I really thinking of ending a friendship over her always being late?
      Yeah, I was. And I felt awful for it because it seemed so petty.
      It wasn’t only that she was always late, it was that she didn’t even give me the courtesy of letting me know & asking if we could adjust our plans or that she rang long after our chosen time. I tried several things to help her change this behaviour, including the adjustment my own expectations because I thought my expectations might have been too high [the consensus of other friends was that in fact I was quite tolerant]. At various times I asked her to let me know if she’d be more than five minutes late, I told her that I had another commitment at a later time so we missed our window then I couldn’t meet, I adjusted our meeting place to my home so if she was late I wouldn’t be hanging out wondering when or if she’d show up… when she did call or show up long after our scheduled time [>30mins] I’d tell her I couldn’t go- this was after I had already warned her of this. At one point I just stayed phone friends with her, in that I refused to make plans with her because she was so unreliable; I even told her this & when I finally
      And I felt quite petty for being so rigid for doing this, it made me feel like an awful friend & human.
      -Was it just her lateness or did she do anything else that made me question the friendship?
      There were other things, the little things that on their own were no big deal although as a pattern they were a big deal. This made me wonder if I was projecting onto her because often we’re aggravated by others’ behaviour because we exhibited those same traits.

      -How was she as a person?
      She considered me her sister, which was always a bit one-sided for me; it was another petty-inducing thing. She was nice & would do anything to help someone.

      After several years of this angst, I realised that our relationship wasn’t really a friendship. To me, friends help each other to be better people & we feel good to be around each other. There’s a mutual respect. Even though she was a good person, I wasn’t getting any of this from this acquaintance. For me, this revelation was when I realised that she never did anything to try to change behaviour, like her tardiness. She’d apologise & say that she’ll try to be better & then she wouldn’t. I never perceived any effort of her part & that was the pattern that made me see that there wasn’t much a friendship to begin with.

      Making that decision was a relief, even though it broke my heart a little because I still felt a bit petty.

      So, Gc1234, that was my experience. Hopefully it helps you a little now. Ironically, this person really did help me to be a better person— after I ended the relationship.
      You get to decide what friendship means to you & what qualities you value in a friend. For me, it came down to respect. This acquaintance didn’t respect me or my time, in various ways she didn’t respect herself or others, & I realised that I had very little respect for her.

      my questions for you [rhetorical if you prefer]:
      -You say that she’s super apologetic. Do you see any signs that she is trying to correct her behaviour?
      -Might your friend have a valid reason as to why she’s chronically late &or can’t let you know? If so & if she’d rather not tell you, are you okay with that? If she does tell you, have you offered to help with the situation?
      -Is she flaky in other ways? If so, are these traits that you’re okay with or are you just putting up with them because you’re lonely?
      -If you have fun with your friend when you go out, is that enough for you?
      -Does this friend seem to really enjoy your company?

      Gc1234, I think you should tell her what you need. If she’s truly a friend then she shouldn’t be offended, especially if you preface by saying that you don’t mean to offend her or to be be rude. Just remember that you’re not the one being rude here: she brought it on by her rudeness. If she’s at all dismissive or otherwise minimises what you’re telling her, then your decision should be easier.

      As you said, your loneliness isn’t her fault, although as a friend she should be concerned [if you’ve told her, & if not, if she really is a good friend then it might help if you do]. Your happiness should definitely concern her because as friends we invest in each other’s well-being. You deserve friends who aren’t flaky & who respect you for who you are!

      Hope this helps.

    5. Anona*

      I have a friend like this. I’ve basically adjusted my expectations and assume that she’s not going to follow through. Like others have suggested, I no longer plan my day around her. I have plans that I do with or without her.

      I will say that I used to get much more frustrated. It sounds bad, but ever since I’ve accepted that I can’t rely on her, while spending time with her is ok, I’ve kind of mentally downgraded our friendship, so I no longer get upset.

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I don’t have any advice. But last night I went out to meet a friend and she cancelled after I’d arrived. I did end up meeting up with some other people I knew but I was was gutted…. because I was exhausted and wanted to cancel myself but had dragged myself out to see her.

      So I feel you :(

    7. HannahS*

      Hello, are you me? I’m in the same chair. It’s tough to know what to do. So far, I’ve tried forcing myself not to care + one time being a passive aggressive + then when she wrote something like “are we good?” I said something like, “I get that you’re busy and that’s fine, but I want you to cancel with enough notice that I can change my plans.” She apologized, I accepted. I’m not actually sure it’s helped, because after years and years of bending over backwards for her turns out I’ve got a lot of stifled resentment. I’m not sure where to go from here, it’s not fair to dredge up stuff from 6 months-10 yeas ago.

  44. SineNomine*

    So yesterday I had my last sessions of PT and OT at home. I had major surgery last year that went…very poorly, since I went into it very sick in the first place and it was sort of forced on me by circumstances. I ended up hospitalized from the middle of June through til almost Thanksgiving, and had home nursing visits since then as well as a few more emergency room trips and hospital readmittances as I have tried to adjust to my new reality. And despite all this, I am scheduled to get the second of three surgeries in a little over a month from now.

    I’m a bit worried that I have just ignored and avoided how I feel about all this and how it has affected my life and not sure if that is gonna come back and cause issues at some point. I’m naturally the sort of person who just…soldiers on and adjusts when bad things happen, but I worry that’s more because I don’t deal with it than I am some sort of resilient person. I’ve definitely noticed more since then that watching traumatic, painful events on television makes me…anxious? It’s a lot more uncomfortable since I relate more in my personal experiences now and watching some character in a story need to be hospitalized has me thinking back to my own time.

    Anyway, I am just a little worried about getting more scared as I approach the next surgery. We’ll see I suppose. Theoretically it should go MUCH better since I won’t be as sick heading in, so it should be a much more average amount of recovery and not as much “completely paralyzed from deconditioning, in constant horrible pain”, but it’s clear that things can go wrong at any time no matter what condition you go in.

    1. fposte*

      Yikes, that’s rough. I hope the surgeries are going to put you on a better road.

      It’s pretty common for an experience like yours to leave a mark. What’s making me raise an eyebrow a little is the implication that somehow you’re doing it wrong and are going to pay, and what sounds like a recurrent tendency to focus on concern about the feelings more than on the feelings themselves. What if you were doing it just fine, and it takes a while to process that kind of experience and you’ll be doing that for a while, and surgery was scary because it’s scary?

      I’m speaking as a soldier-on-er myself; I was recently told that what I was dealing with probably included mild PTSD from a bad physical period not nearly as impactful as yours. So I may be projecting a little :-). But it doesn’t sound like you’re dealing inappropriately in any way. (I’ve also noticed that the relevant word tends to get comments sent to moderation and Alison seems to be having an offline life this morning, so I’ll say it might be good to talk to a professional about this, too.)

      1. SineNomine*

        Thank you for your concern :)

        The problem is that I am pretty textbook avoidance coping with my problems, so I am completely unable to self-assess when I am actually coping with something versus when I am just avoiding it. I would almost definitely benefit from talking to a professional, but I seem completely and utterly unable to actually express to anyone that I need that. I put on a good act so none of my friends or loved ones suspect anything might be wrong, and while I have thought of discussing it with my doctor I’ve never been able to actually pull the trigger on that. It always feels like a distraction from my very real health problems (or so I tell myself). Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own head.

        The few times it has come up, like in the hospital after surgery where I had a psychologist come in to talk since it was a pretty traumatic event, I am able to discuss it so rationally and detached that…I don’t know, I come off as handling it either way. Maybe I am coping, or maybe I am months away from the dam bursting and having a breakdown. It’s so hard to tell.

        1. fposte*

          I think it’s helpful for me that when I see a counseling professional in my town (again avoiding the moderation word), they’re accustomed to academics, so they are used to people who are up in their own heads and have a reasonable idea of what distress sounds like with us.

          But I still feel like you’re framing this as a binary of coping and handling vs. not, and I don’t think there’s a clear or useful line between the two. I’m also struck by your statement that “I seem completely and utterly unable to actually express to anyone that I need that.” Can you just get that without making the case for need? If insurance or finances permit, just contact somebody for counseling directly; otherwise just say to your doctor that you’d like a referral, please. It’s not the sort of thing that most are going to require you to prove your case for.

          1. fposte*

            BTW, maybe still projecting, but I think us soldier-on types aren’t great with notions of need; it’s something other people are allowed to have, and we can have pretty severe tests for ourselves for “earning” it. That’s why I think it’s useful to sidestep the whole question of “need” when possible.

            1. SineNomine*

              I 100% agree with you there. I tend to be really understanding of others and their needs and flaws but hold myself to an impossible standard. It’s definitely hard to shake the feeling that other people can definitely need help and that’s right while I don’t “deserve” help and should just handle things on my own and if I can’t it’s my own fault. It’s obviously irrational, but I’ll be damned if knowing it’s irrational does anything to take those feelings away.

          2. SineNomine*

            Sorry if I was unclear, I am pretty sure I could get a referral easily if I asked. I am on medicaid currently, so it would most likely be fully covered without even copays. What I meant was more that no matter how bad it gets, I can’t bring myself to bring it up. I don’t seem to have the courage to ask for help, I chicken out every time I seriously consider mentioning it to anyone.

            1. fposte*

              I’m deliberately splitting hairs here to see if it helps put this in a more active side of your brain. You’re not asking for help, you’re asking for admin. “Can you put this thing in the file for me?” It could be that you’ve developed a sensitivity to tomatoes or that you want a referral; it’s all just a paperwork thing.

              The other thing is that when I look at the Psychology Today listings, you can search for providers who take Medicaid; depending on how your state works, you might not even need a referral but could make an appointment directly. That’s not asking for help; that’s just checking out somebody’s professional services.

              Just some thoughts.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              We do have a coping tool in us where we can go purely practical in order to get through a crisis.

              It’s after the crisis that we sort out all that happened and the emotions come out and need to be dealt with. Actually this can be a survival mechanism.

              Consider this. A person is trapped in a burning building. For whatever reason they make their way to the top floor. This makes no sense. Then the person sees others are taking flying jumps over a narrow alley and landing on an adjacent roof. The person decides “If I don’t try then I definitely will die. However, if I try I have shot at living. Others have made it, I can see that. So I will try.” Others yell to the person, “Com’on, we will catch you!” The person thinks to themselves “well maybe or maybe not”. But the person jumps, they put everything they have into that jump. And they MAKE IT. They are safely on the roof of another building. The others are cheering.

              Months even years later, the person is STILL processing what happened in those moments. They were scared but there really wasn’t time to be scared, decisions had to be made things had to be done. Dual thinking.

              Don’t be afraid of dual thinking. It is one of the many ways our minds protect us, ensure our survival and keep us moving ahead. It’s the same idea but a more complex version of the idea that our stomachs growl to notify us that our bodies need food. That is our bodies/minds protecting us, AGAIN. Survival.

              We can have great concern and realize we must focus on the moment. Because it is what we do moment by moment that will keep us alive in the long run. Typically, when a person still feels they are in the middle of a crisis, (which you indicate that is your sense of things) a person will not want to deal with the emotions that are created by the crisis. This could be your survival mechanism kicking in.

              It could be later that you need to spend time processing/grieving all that has gone on. Or it could be later that you decide your life and your worldview is forever changed and you change your opinion on a few subjects. No way to know how that will land. Learn to trust yourself to be doing what it is you need to do now. Call it your survival mechanism, your spirit, your inner self, your gut or whatever and tell yourself that you will pay attention and respect what your gut says you should be doing today. Free yourself from over thinking this one. Make that jump over the alley (do what you gotta do) and promise to process whatever emotions come up later.

        2. Mephyle*

          That concern – wondering if you are coping or not – would be a thing itself to discuss with a counselor. There are therapists who specialize in helping people with physical such as chronic debilitating diseases as one example. One of those might be the best equipped to help with your concerns.

    2. Reba*

      Just as a sidebar, since I think you are getting great helpful comments here on the meat of your question, about your worry about having feelings about the surgery that are somehow “incorrect,” or not proportional to the event somehow? I think having feelings that don’t make sense — or that don’t appear to line up with the matter at hand — is normal.

      I can share my own little story. I was in an accident, hospitalized for 2 weeks, on bed rest for several more. I got through all of that well and in good spirits. I went for a follow up scan a few months after leaving the hospital–at that point I was walking, not in any pain. Yet I freaked out and actually wept in fear when they went to put in the IV for the contrast dye. I almost couldn’t do it! That tiny needle! I had had IVs, hourly finger sticks, was intubated, quite a few scans, no problem. Somehow all that stuff weighed on me more at this checkup than during the actual crisis.

      I hope your health turns in the right direction soon.

      1. SineNomine*

        Thank you for your story. That’s definitely one thing that I worry about, if as I get close to the next operation I start to get anxious. I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out.

  45. Beachbrain*

    For the first time in our lives, my spouse and I have enough disposal income to plan a vacation just for us. (That is, we go stay at a hotel instead of with relatives and the focus is just on having fun together instead of spending time with family or friends.) We ended up booking a week at a beachfront resort and we are very excited! So, my question is… how do we make the most of this experience? We can’t afford spa stuff or massages, but we do plan to spend time in the (free) hot tubs and, of course, at the beach. If you have gone on this kind of vacation before, what do you like to do?

    1. Kj*

      Hike, picnic, explore random places. We try not to get in the car when we go places- by walking you see more.

    2. cat socks*

      Check out Trip Advisor for the location you are visiting. The forums are helpful and there are posts about what to see and do.

      You can use Google maps to search for restaurants in the area. I use Google and Yelp for restaurant reviews.

      For beach vacations I load up my phone with e-books and spend a lot of time reading and relaxing in the sun.

      Have fun!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Exactly this – totally give yourself permission to sit on the beach or at the pool and do… nothing.

        Have a look at tripadvisor as suggested but also you could see if there are day spa services nearby that could be cheaper than where you are staying :)

        Alternative to walking: see if there are bike rentals available (but only if the area is safe for riding!) or check out any sort of free activities the resort may offer such as kayaking or stand up paddleboarding.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      We did this. We stayed at a place with kitchen facilities so that we could at least have two meals that were “home cooked” and hopefully cheaper. Then we had dinner out somewhere. Usually touristy places have freebies that tourists can check out, such as concerts in the park or free events with guest speakers. I got newspapers (well more like area ads) and flyers lined up so we could see what activity we might like. They had a beached whale and volunteers were pouring water on it bucket brigade style. I wanted to go do that but my husband did not- sometimes odd stuff comes up like this, too.

  46. FlowerPower*

    My MIL is celebrating a milestone birthday (hwangap!). We’ve bought her a few gifts, but I’d also like to send her flowers. She lives outside Seattle (Bellevue/Issaquah Area). Any recommendations for florists? I’ve looked at FarmGirl Flowers but I’m afraid their arrangements might be too craycray for her :P

    1. Former Employee*

      I would just go with one of the big companies – whichever one has an arrangement you like. They contract with local florists anyway.

      Good luck & Happy Birthday to your MIL.

    3. Mirth & Merry*

      Super late but I’ve always had nice arrangements from Cugini Florists in Renton, I think they are associated with Teleflora but it’s cheaper if you go straight through Cugini. And I know they have a pretty big delivery area. Hope that helps!

  47. Incantanto*

    Got laser eye surgery today!
    They were an hour late and I was sooo close to chickening out in that hour, the surgery, whilst not bad, was not exactly pleasant and it turns out I have the family local anaesthetic resistance so it hurt more quickly than normal, and the eyes were first blurry and are still really itchy, but I CAN SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

    I’ve even done the dumb thing of putting on my own glasses and going “wow you are blind!”

    1. Accountress*

      Isn’t it just the best thing ever??? My laser PRK was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done, hands down.

      1. Incantanto*

        I was so scared and I’m not sure much of me actually believed it would work, but, wow! And this is 10 hours later. Its supposed to get even better.

        Most expensive ten minutes of my life, but omg. I got lasik as well which is the nice less ouchy one. My eyes have a perfect circle of bruise on the whites which is really weird.

    2. The Senior Wrangler*

      My boyfriend nearly got laser eye surgery but the from £x per eye on the poster turned out to be more like £xxx per eye because his eyesight was so bad. He did get some super-cute nerd glasses instead, though.

      1. Incantanto*

        Getting to have a look around. My optician had a set price for any procedure they could actually do.

  48. CAA*

    I use Feedly for RSS. It does everything you listed except possibly “Being able to set the frequency at which different feeds refresh”. It might do that too, but I’ve never experimented with it. Mostly I read on my computer, but I use the iPad app when traveling and occasionally I use the Android app on my phone.

    For podcasts, I used Downcast and switched to Overcast when they were having problems coexisting with Waze; and then Pocket Casts when I switched to an Android phone. They’ll all prevent you from downloading or streaming with mobile data. Downcast has the most sorting and prioritization options. Overcast and Pocket Casts have silence compression which I also like.

  49. Nicole76*

    Has anyone participated in Record Store Day? I never have, but my favorite band is releasing a limited edition LP which I really want to get my hands on. I’ve already determined which local stores will be carrying it, but is there anything I should know and be prepared for?

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We stopped participating some years ago because the limited edition records always seemed to be a scam and either the store had already sold the copy before the day or they only received one or two copies in the first place, which inevitably ended up on eBay. Alternatively, by the time you got to the shop there really wasn’t anything else to be bought you couldn’t buy some other day with far fewer crowds. Be prepared for lines at the very least, but have you considered maybe sending out a trusted friend or relative to see if they can get the album at another outlet? Saves you from having to drive from one to another.

      1. Nicole76*

        That is what I’m worried about – people snagging rare stuff to resell online later. I have nothing against people selling stuff, but I really hate it when someone buys a hot item with the intention of making money from re-selling it. They should leave it for someone who truly wants it.

        Anyway, that’s a good suggestion as I know at least one other person who might be participating in the event who I can ask to check for the title for me.

        I got the impression from the stores I spoke with they will know ahead of time how many copies they’ll have available which will prove useful so I know which location to check first. I normally wouldn’t even put this much effort into getting an album, as I HATE waiting in lines for anything, but it’s my #1 favorite band and there are only 7000 pressings so it would be really cool to own one.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’ve found that Record Store Day is just like any other day in a record store, but with a lot more crowds. The desirable stuff has always been gone by the time I’ve gotten there.
      That said, I haven’t done it first thing in the morning, so it didn’t come as much of a surprise.
      That said #2, record stores are awesome, so you should do it anyway!

    3. Lady Bug*

      Go to the least popular store, you’ll have a better chance with smaller crowds. Also, some bands will release more copies after record store day, so you can order online if you can’t get it in the store.

  50. Casuan*

    My newest online go-to when I’m having a bad day is to watch videos of pandas playing in the snow. These pandas exhibit a pure joy that I almost envy!

    Your bad day go-to?

    4. Sylvan*

      The Instagram account animalsmeettheinternet. It’s so dumb, it’s a repost account, but it makes me laugh so hard.

    5. Almost Violet Miller*

      Playing the Sims.
      When I need some extra moral support, I create characters I know from RL.
      Okay, I might do that every time I play.
      I really want to have the desktop version, the apps don’t let me create my very own storylines.

    9. Parenthetically*

      I REALLY love the Supersizers Go/Supersizers Eat series and even though I’ve seen every episode a few times, I really enjoy watching it. Stress-melting.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I don’t like Giles’ and Sue’s eating habits.

          Giles Coren also presented Back in Time for Dinner and there is now a spin off, Back in Time for Tea with Sara Cox. The later episodes are funny when you remember something happening (like when MacDonalds first opened in the UK)

    10. Chaordic One*

      Reruns of ’60s sitcoms. I love an old episode of “The Andy Griffith Show,” or “Bewitched,” or even “Gilligan’s Island.” (It’s surprising how well the jokes on Gilligan’s Island hold up after all these years.) Just something silly and mindless.

    11. misspiggy*

      Playing Midnight Castle. Utterly girly and pretty, short attention span stuff but just enough tension to make me feel I’ve achieved something through tapping a screen.

  51. blergarg*

    I’m curious to hear people’s thoughts on leadership, and whether you have to be an aggressive type to be a good leader.

    I find myself impressed more and more by collaborative leaders, who listen and make decisions as a team (in any context), and exhausted by people who need to have an opinion on EVERYTHING be involved in EVERYTHING and always be right. But I also know that that drive and ambition is what characterizes most leaders. Any thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      I think the popular abstract thoughts on what it takes to be a leader tend to be overinfluenced by 1950s-style military/white-corporate-guy fields, and IRL when you think about the people you know who exhibit desirable leadership you’ll see a bunch of different styles. I also think “leader” is an overbroad concept–people are generally leading a specific group or a thing for a specific period of time, and you can be a good leader of your girl scout troop in the 20-teens and a sucky leader of your engineering team in the 1990s.

      I also think that it’s more complicated than aggressive or collaborative–I know people I wouldn’t consider aggressive to still be more individual than collaborative leaders. I also know people with plenty of drive and ambition who work collaboratively. For me it’s mostly a question of 1) does this person get things done and 2) do I want to work with them?

    2. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      TBH I think most of what we think of as “traits of leadership” are just institutionalized sexism/racism/etc. Traditionally (at least in the US) aggressive white men have become leaders because white men (tend to) respect aggression and then all your leadership at your company are white men and the only way you can advance is if you gain their respect and suddenly everyone’s asking “why is our company so cutthroat?”

      There are a billion ways this plays out. To me, there are only 2 essential traits of leadership: the ability to get people to follow you (which encompasses them listening to and respecting you, generally, I’d think), and the ability to get things done (so, being able to translate the goals and mission from the leadership level into action and execution that accomplishes those goals and furthers the mission.)

      In a vacuum, kindness and collaboration seem like way better ways to go about this than aggression and authoritarianism, but we’re not starting out in a vacuum, now, are we? :)

      1. fposte*

        Wow, on a really abstract concept you and I posted almost identical takes without seeing each other’s posts.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Whenever I think of leaders, I always think in terms of Star Trek captains (I know, I know, but I’ve embraced it).

      The type of leaders they are, are collaborative and thoughtful. Picard in particular takes care to listen to his crew and then make a decision using their expertise and his past experience, and I think that’s the sign of a good leader. He’s willing to sit back and let the conversation flow while just listening.

      As for drive and ambition, I think they have become slightly dirty words over the last few years. There’s nothing wrong with that at a personal level, it’s when they blind you to other things and other people that it becomes a problem. In my experience, the people who need to have an opinion on, and be involved in, everything and always be right are deeply insecure in their position and try to exert their expertise that way.

      I certainly don’t think aggressive leadership is a good style of leadership. Perhaps aggressive in advocating for your people, but I prefer a thoughtful, collaborative approach.

    4. CAA*

      I think there’s a happy medium between being fully collaborative and having overbearing ambition.

      Although it’s difficult to work with autocratic leaders for obvious reasons, I’d say the worst situations I’ve been in have been the ones that were completely collaborative. At first it sounds great because everyone has a voice and every input is considered and all decisions are made as a team. But in reality, no decision can be made until everyone is in agreement, and if anyone misses the meeting where a decision is reached, you are definitely going to have that entire meeting again so they can agree or disagree and then you start all over trying to get a consensus. The endless looping is paralyzing and prevents the group from moving forward because you never know if any decision is final or if it will be revisited and changed.

      Going through an overly collaborative process really taught me the value of having a leader who will listen respectfully and consider all input but then make a decision and take responsibility for it, even if not everyone agrees with it.

      1. LCL*

        My city is pretty much paralyzed because of an overreliance on the collaborative way of getting things done. Your second paragraph describes the problems with this kind of ‘leadership ‘ perfectly.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Define aggressive.

      If that means abusive to employees then NO. If that means doing unethical/illegal things that, too, is a NO.
      But if that means procuring what your department or your company needs then YES.

      People who always need to be right are NOT leaders. Additionally they have no clue what leadership is. I am not sure how much longer we need to exist as a society to figure this out, but evidence says we have a ways to go yet.

      Of course, micromanagers are not leaders. These are people who are loaded up with fear and need to be involved in every single thing for fear that it will go wrong without them. Professional leaders take their fears/concerns and find stand-by plans to address those concerns if the concerns become reality.

      I do think drive and ambition are common characteristics. It’s super important to look at how that person uses their drive and ambition. If it is for the greater glorification of themselves then, again, this is another person who has no idea what leadership is. But you do have to create and set goals for yourself and your group. A person who is not a goal setter will have a hard time with this. And their group will flounder because of it.

      Some situations require different leadership techniques. A good and kind boss can become a dictator when the building catches fire and she wants to get everyone out alive. In a similar vein, a harda$$ boss can become a very compassionate person when faced with tragedy. This is because in both instances these bosses know what a situation calls for.

      I have read some interesting theories. One said that introverts actually make the best leaders because they can cue in on how others are feeling and what their needs and concerns are.
      I have also read a school of thought that says leaders are servants who serve the servants. I like this one because it is a good reminder to take care of the people under the leader, actually take meaningful care of them. Keep them supplied with what they need, keep their training up to date, advocate for them where appropriate.

      Personally, I think the best leaders are the ones that recognize their limits and allow their people to help them lead. A startling number of people are content to feed a good leader information so that leader can do the best job possible. These are folks who do not want to a leadership position for themselves. They are relieved that someone else is willing to be the front person.

    6. blergarg*

      Thanks everyone. I ask because I have ambitions for my own company one day, and I have the ideas and support, but I don’t feel like a natural leader/influencer in my current role. People listen to and respect me, but I don’t feel my most comfortable and therefore less influential on my peers in my office. I think I have a great relationship and voice with the national office, but not so much my local team (I’m not in a management position, but have asked for work on a number of projects).

      So my point is, I think I am a leader in ideas, plans, and getting opinions, but have trouble influencing people i’m not comfortable with, and I wonder how to overcome this, and whether it’ll hold me back if/when I start my own business. Any thoughts?

    7. Totally Minnie*

      I’m late to the party, but I feel like a person’s leadership style should be measured by the group they are leading. I’ve worked with groups that are motivated by competition, and other groups that find it off putting. Being a truly good leader means knowing the people you expect to follow you and tailoring your style to what they need.

  52. Sad*

    I just realized the guy I’m “seeing” actually never wants to spend time with me.

    It’s good to move on.

    1. Forking Great Username*

      Been there – it’s good you recognized it and that it’s time to move on!

    2. Effie, who is pondering*

      Tons and tons of hugs.

      That sucks. I’m glad you’re willing to move on. It’s a better place to be than waiting for someone who doesn’t treat you like a priority.

        1. Effie, who is pondering*

          I’ve been there way too many times and I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I can leave even when I know that they aren’t interested anymore/aren’t prioritizing me. I hang on until the bitter end. I’m working on being okay with letting go of the relationship as soon as I can tell that they let go. It’s not giving up if they gave up first.

          Take care of yourself. Good luck!

    3. Jojobean*

      Ooof I’ve been there too (in my last relationship) and I’m so, so sorry. It’s a painful realisation to arrive at, and even though you know it has to happen, eventually pulling the plug and ending it will be even more painful.

      Major props to you, though, for being able to come to the realisaton, acccept it, and act on it – despite the heartache that will follow. So many people can’t do that and instead cling even tighter, which never ends well because then no one is able to be happy.

      Better to end things now and move on, eventually to someone who prioritises you as they should. Sending you good vibes!

  53. Loopy*

    Adult napping, yay or nay?

    I’ve know several people who cannot or will not nap. I, however, consider it quite a luxury.

    Weigh in AAM friends!

    1. fposte*

      Definitely pro. My only problem is overnapping at the expense of the night’s sleep. I’ve read some research that suggests that over 20-30 minutes isn’t great, so I try to limit it.

      Often I don’t end up falling asleep, but just lying down quietly for a while is helpful anyway.

      1. many bells down*

        Yeah I have to set a timer because any longer than 20 minutes leaves me groggy and cranky for the rest of the day. Unless I’m sick, I can only do catnaps.

      2. Dear liza dear liza*

        I love naps. I’ve heard the same re length, but it often takes me a while to fall asleep, negating my ability to set a timer. I usually end up sleeping for an hour or so.

    2. Red Reader*

      I cannot nap unless I’m sick. But then, I also lament that I am not like a giraffe and able to get by on 30 minutes of sleep a day, because I have so many things that I would rather do and it drives me bonkers that I have to spend a third of my day asleep. :)

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      100% yay!

      There’s a particular joy about taking a nap in the middle of the day as an adult. My prime time is between 2 and 4. Any later and I don’t sleep.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Yay! I used to work in a daycare and I would nap with the kids. I miss that SO MUCH.

    5. CAA*

      I’d like to, but I just can’t seem to fall asleep during the day unless I’m suffering from massive jet lag.

    6. Valancy Snaith*

      I never, ever napped in my adult life until I started working as a barista. Now, if I’m up at 4am and done a full eight hours of work before 2, sometimes I need a nap when I get home. I try not to sleep after about 4 or 5, but occasionally I’ve slipped into an evening nap. It’s amazing how refreshing napping is!

    7. kc89*

      it feels sooooo good at the start of the nap, but messes me up for the rest of the day. I get a headache and feel cranky. Sometimes I give in because it just feels so good but it’s always a mistake to do so.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Yep. I nap at least once a week and I always hate it afterward but the beginning is just the best. It really does put me in a weird headspace for hours after, though.

    8. Lily Evans*

      I used to nap a lot during college and I would take “pre-dinner” naps when I was working 8-4 and they were great! I’m lucky now because my work schedule is a bit odd, but it works really well with the timeframe my internal clock wants me to sleep during at night. I do still take the occasional nap on my off days when I take a work out class in the morning. Either people who claim morning exercise is rejuvenating are liars or my body just runs very differently than theirs, because I just completely crash a couple hours after.

    9. Travelling Circus*

      I’m definitely pro nap. I’m terrible at power napping, though (I tend to overnap), which tells me that maybe I’m not getting enough sleep at night.

    10. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I love nothing more than my nap time from 3 to 5 on Saturdays and/or Sundays. Especially after a really good workout in the morning. Just something luxurious about dozing off with the cat on a rainy winter afternoon with nothing to worry about time wise. Sometimes its just a light half hour doze and sometimes its an intense 2 hour conk-out, but its ME TIME damnit!

    11. nep*

      I think I’ve written this on here in the past, but this strikes me as so true about naps — can’t recall where I first saw it: Naps are tricky. Either you wake up feeling refreshed and able to conquer the world, or you wake up with a headache and a mouth stuffed with cotton and you’ve no idea what year it is.

    12. Clever Name*

      I can’t nap. Sometimes I really wish I could. Like when my son was an infant. I could never “sleep when he sleeps” (which also only works if you have no other children)

      1. Cristina in England*

        Yeah, may that “sleep when they sleep” advice get shot into the sun and never be heard again!

    14. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I am a champion napper. 10-15 minutes of light sleep in the afternoon and I am a new woman. I’ve been doing this since I was in college. I have even had moments where two minutes of sleep have refreshed me. I am a terrible sleeper, naps or no, and I often wonder if I would do really well with that double-phase sleep they used to do back in the olden days.

      Weirdly, the best nap I had recently was last Saturday night. I fell asleep at about 8:45pm, woke up at 10pm, and was good to go for another couple of hours. I felt great, and for once my boyfriend didn’t tease me about going to sleep too early.

    15. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      I generally can’t nap-as-in-sleep unless I’m either sleep-deprived or unwell, but I’ve found that sometimes just lying down in a dim room and letting my mind wander (and my cat cuddle up to me) can be enormously refreshing.

    16. Loopy*

      I love that people vary so much on this. I have this great ability to nap on demand and always sleep for almost exactly an hour. My trouble is not waking up it’s actually *getting* back up- I get into lazy mode and want to browse my phone in bed or do something else that doesn’t involve moving. Today I took an hour nap and wasn’t back to being productive and out and about until almost two hours later :P

    17. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I can’t do it. I’ll wind up oversleeping and then messing up my sleep schedule. I get up late when I can, but once I’m up, unless I’m sick I need to stay up.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      YESSSS NAPS
      I just have to make sure not to sleep too long or I can’t sleep that night (unless I’m sick, and then it’s continuous naps all day long). I read (might have been here) that if you drink a cup of coffee before a short nap, by the time it starts working your nap will be over, so you’ll be perkier when you wake up. I might try this.

    19. Totally Minnie*

      My body doesn’t nap well. I always wake up feeling sick and cranky, and then I have trouble sleeping at night. Unless I’m really, really sick, I tend to restrict my sleeping to the nighttime hours.

    20. Arjay*

      Yay for me. Nay for my husband. It took some negotiating at first since he thought “napping” was code for sex, and I was like, “Stay over on your side and go to sleep like I am” at nap time.

  54. Foreign Octopus*

    A thing’s happened and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive about it.

    A friend and I arranged to meet at my flat at a certain time for a cup of tea and a catch up before she went for an appointment. We haven’t seen each other in a while because I’ve been so busy with work and looking after my stupid, but lovely, cat and so I was looking forward to a 30 minute catch up before she had to leave.

    The time passed and there was no message from her and, after 30 minutes, I gave it up as a lost cause, figuring that something came up on her end. I changed out of my clothes and into my pyjamas (yay) and took of my bra (double-yay) when she finally rang my buzzer 40 minutes after the arranged meeting time.

    I was so frustrated by her lack of punctuality that I just ignored the buzzer. I hate when people are late to things. I can just about manage 15 minutes if I’ve got a book to hand, 30 minutes if I love the person and they’ve messaged me, but anymore than that and I find it unbelievably rude. This isn’t the first time it’s happened either. We make plans to meet and she turns up 15-20 minutes late every time and when I bring it up, she laughs and says that she’s gone native (we live in Spain where time-keeping isn’t as strict as it is in Britain).

    Am I wrong to be frustrated? Should I just have let her in and had the cup of tea? Do I need to adjust my expectations?

    And has anyone else experienced this?

    1. Red Reader*

      I would have done exactly what you did, with the recognition that I am not even a little bit tolerant of people who run more then a couple minutes late and can’t muster up the courtesy to let me know.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        That’s good to know. I try to be tolerant because I’m not a particularly social person and so when I do make the effort to socialise, I try to allow for people’s idiosyncrasies but I feel that this was just rude more than anything else.

        1. Red Reader*

          I’ve just backspaced several more comments because I fear they all make me sound either super precious, super high maintenance (which I guess I sort of am, maybe) or super stuck on my own importance. Heh. Final try: I don’t socialize much and my friends know that, so I expect that when I make plans with them, they will have the respect for me and my time to either keep those plans or contact me as soon as they know they can’t.

    2. nep*

      I think it’s normal and right to expect the person would at the very least communicate with you to let you know. Shortly before the meeting time — hey, I’m not going to make it by x time; I could be there at y — could that still work for you?
      But no contact at all and showing up 40 minutes late? I think any way you want to respond (or not respond) is just fine.

    3. MissCPA*

      but I think it’s very important you noted you’re living in Spain. Punctuality is not in their nature and not something they take as seriously as, say, me in the United States. I think you should adjust your expectations if you really do want to spend time with this person!

      1. Mephyle*

        100% agree, now living in another Hispanic country where for many types of social occasions you can be considered ‘on time’ if you arrive on the right day.
        Her behaviour seems rude to you (and I can understand why) but in that environment it is the inflexible, over-punctual person who is being rude.
        This is a specific example of cultural adaptation, which sounds like a nice thing in the abstract, but can sometimes be tough when it means accepting that things you feel to be rude really aren’t, and vice versa.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I should have mentioned that she’s British, like me, so she actually knows how British people feel about punctuality. I’ve made the adjustment for when I have Spanish appointments at the vets, hairdressers, town hall, etc because that’s their culture.

        1. Lara*

          It sounds like she’s adapted to the culture, though. And not all Brits have the same attitude to punctuality in any case. If YOU feel this way, you can certainly share that with people who are hoping to spend time with you, so they know your expectations, but I would definitely not assume just that she is being rude. She may just assume you have also adapted to the culture, and be treating you accordingly. Have you told her your expectations on time management before?

    4. Lily Evans*

      I can’t stand lateness either, but I probably would have texted her at the 15 minute mark to ask if she was still coming, and again at the 30 minute mark to say that it was getting too late and we’d have to reschedule. That way there’s no unexpected buzzer ringing later on.

      1. Overeducated*

        I think this is the ideal response.

        I would have definitely let her in because I am a talking-out-emotions-NOW person, but that might not have gone as well.

    5. Book Lover*

      This is interesting when looked at next to the post above by someone whose flaky friend canceled last minute. I didn’t answer on that one, but when I have flaky friends, I arrange for them to meet me at home or somewhere that I will have fun alone. That way they show up when they show up and I don’t worry too much about the time.
      Honestly if I were expecting a friend and she were late, i’d be happy to see her whenever she arrived (because life happens) and if I weren’t happy to see her later then I probably wouldn’t make plans to see her at all. But that is just my perspective. And I am a terribly horribly punctual person to the point of feeling that on time is ten minutes early minimum so it isn’t that I don’t appreciate punctuality, I just don’t think it is that important if I am meeting someone at home.

    6. Thlayli*

      You didn’t let her in because she was 40 minutes late? Wow. For me, if I were her, that would be end of friendship.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The buzzer rang 40 minutes after she was supposed to come?

      By my math at this point she is 10 minutes late for her appointment. My first thought would have been “Ten minutes late for your appointment and you are HERE instead? I guess we won’t visit for very long then.”

      Eh, I can’t tell ya which way to go on this. I do know that when little things start wearing on us there is probably not that much going on in the relationship anyway.

      I do worry about people. I would have had to answer the buzzer to make sure she was alright. Once I found out she was alright, I think I would have said, “I have my jamies on now, so I guess I will see you another time.” Or give her a lecture on scarring the crap out of me.

      I have often thought of tardiness as a friendship killer.

    8. ThatGirl*

      I don’t think I could bring myself to ignore a buzzer but I would’ve been frustrated for sure.
      I will say I’ve learned a lot that there are some people whose internal clocks do not function like mine, who cannot seem to be on time for anything. It’s worth knowing if she truly is just rude or if she is one of those people who can’t seem to help themselves and it’s not about you.

    9. Someone else*

      I think you’re not wrong to be frustrated, but hindsight being 20-20, you also could’ve done some things to mitigate the situation. Part of your frustration seems to stem from her not contacting you to say she was running late, but you also didn’t contact her to say “hey are you still coming?” or “hey I have a hard stop at X o’clock so it looks like we need to reschedule” or whatever. Basically, even if you decided she were totally flaking on you, when you decided you were done with waiting, you could’ve told her she was too late. She’s still in the wrong for not showing up in a reasonable window, especially since it sounds like she showed up after your visit was supposed to have ended, but if you wanted to prevent her buzzing after you’d given up on meeting with her, you coulda shoulda woulda told her that before changing clothes, etc.

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      It depends on whether you value her friendship. If you know that she’s always late, at some point it’s somewhat your responsibility to adjust to this known quality. You can’t claim that you didn’t reasonably expect her to be late.

      For the record, I would be frustrated with her too. I just think that you need to accept the person that you know she is.

    11. Betsy*

      To me, turning up 40 mins late would be no real drama, because you’re meeting your house, so you have things to keep you occupied. I’d be a little angsty while waiting, but probably fine when they arrived.

      15 mins is pretty much what I’d consider to be on time with meeting up in a public place. I text people if I’m going to be late anyway and feel really bad about it if I am, but within 15 mins is considered to be on time (in Australia, for informal catch-ups).

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I had a friend whose record for being late was 3 days. Basically he kept texting, putting back the time we were supposed to be meeting. One time, I cancelled other plans, and then he didn’t show up.

        Even allowing for people who are just always late, I decided after a while not to bother arranging things with him as it was clearly not going to happen.

    12. Little bean*

      Sorry but we would not be able to be friends. I make an effort to be on time if someone is waiting for me, like at a restaurant. But ifind it normal and not rude for people to be late up to 10-15 minutes, and i think you get extra leeway if you’re just hanging out at someone’s house. Sure, 40 minutes is kinda extreme and I’d probably be annoyed, but certainly not so mad that I refuse to answer the door.

    13. Clumsy Ninja*

      So was she then planning to be super late to her next appointment? I’d probably have opened the door and said, “Wow. Did you switch the times for me and your appointment, because it looks like you’re late! Do you need to use my phone to call?”

  55. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m proud of riding my bike a whole lot yesterday, probably about 20 miles total between biking to work, biking to a friend’s house after work, and biking home from the friend’s house.

    I’m struggling because it’s clear that my beta blockers, which do such a good job of keeping my anxiety under a manageable level, are causing some pretty troublesome side effects, and I’m scared that if/when I talk to my doctor about it they will conclude I need to stop taking them. But I actually want to keep taking them, I just want to find a dosage and schedule that works better. This is the first time in the last 3 years or so I’m not overwhelmed by anxiety constantly.

    How are you doing?

    1. Mischa*

      I’m really impressed with your bike mileage — I sometimes commute two miles to school (uphill!) and that is more than enough for me. I hope you get your medications worked out!

      Since I’ve gotten my ADHD and depression figured out, things have been going SO WELL. I’m doing better in classes, I’m managing my time better, and most of all, I’m exercising regularly. And I just feel…happy. It’s great. I’m hoping after this semester (since we are approaching law school finals season) to maybe start thinking about dating, too. Very exciting.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I’m not dating right now and the idea of it is really scary to me, so I’m impressed that that’s something you want to do next. I hope it goes well.

    2. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m having a really bad week. I’m still coming to terms with being diagnosed with chronic pain and iy’s really making it hard to fight with my depression. My anxiety has also been bothering me because I have to try and file for disability but because I don’t have a solid diagnosis yet I have to do a lot of work arounds in the mean time which means lots of phone calls. I feel so tired all the time and I’m starting to slip into the old thoughts that ending everything would be easier. Even though I try to stop the thoughts before they get to that point it’s really hard when even showering can cause major pain. It’s very frustrating and I feel more useless than ever.

      I am proud that I managed to get through all the calls and appointments this week. I hope that I can get everything done this coming week as well.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs, and congratulations on getting through those calls and appointments! I know how hard it can be with anxiety.

        When I had sciatica a couple years ago and was in pain, it was really bad for my depression, not just because I was physically suffering, but because it made it much harder to do the self-care mechanisms I’ve developed–leaving the house, seeing friends, any kind of exercise. I spent a lot of time in online chat rooms and reading webcomics, but it wasn’t the same as in-person friend interactions.

        I’m glad you’re able to be proud of how hard you’re working to deal with this. I don’t think I was able to be nearly so kind to myself.

        1. Shrunken Hippo*

          I can usually pick out a couple of good things in the week, but I’m still having a lot of problems coming to terms with my pain. At this point my GP thinks it’s either fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, or possibly something else in the same realm. There are tons of things that I use to be able to do and I can get very depressed and angry when I do one thing and end up in pain for the rest of the day because I apparently over did it. There are lots of nights where my pillow gets soaked because I’m just sad about what is happening. My university degree that I was so excited about completing is now useless and I can’t think of how I can be of any use to anyone in the future. Although I know I can find ways to survive, I’m having problems finding ways that I can feel like I’m living. It’s painful and frustrating and it’s very difficult to find friends who undertsand. Thankfully my dad has fibro so both of my parents are very understanding, but it’s still disheartening to find out just out of university that you can’t do anything that you had planned to with your life and although you’ll live you will always have pain to struggle through. It’s one of those things I wish more people would talk about out in the open and something I hope I’ll be able to open up more about soon.

    3. JaneB*

      Beta blockers really help me, but it did take time to learn when to take them and how much to avoid side effects but get desired effects – maybe try keeping a log of dose/time/context/effect for a few weeks? My GP prescribed me the pills at a lower dose (so if my prescribed dose was 80mg, he gave me a months worth of that, but as a mix of 40mg and 10mg pills on the prescription) which let me experiment – since they’re pretty fast acting (I feel the effects in 15-25 minutes) I could try a lower dose then top up if my anxiety symptoms got too bad (and knowing I CAN top up often helps me get through stuff – I feel less trapped, and that helps me self manage). Maybe see if your pharmacist would do something similar for you?

    4. JaneB*

      I’m doing really badly – ongoing img industrial dispute at the thing we don’t mention is doing a number on me (terrible guilt if I take part OR if I don’t etc etc), and I had to get my cat put down last week.

      I stayed with her, which was the right thing to do for her, but I can’t get the moment when she went out of my mind, and it’s intruding on sweeter memories. The house is full of her – even at nearly 18, she was still playful and energetic, and carried toys around, so I find odd things in odd places, and of course there’s the hair, and when I do clean somewhere it stays clean and that’s even worse.

      I’m so sad, and I’m not sleeping well(it’s tooquiet), and I’m so stressed I can’t do stuff – I feel like if I start to move I’ll either fly apart into a million pieces, do something awful (throw things, hit people, attack myself) or something terrible that is lurking will get me, that prey hiding feeling where you don’t know if the thing you’re hiding from is Out There or inside you.

      Trying to mark essays without crying on them…

    5. Red*

      Yikes, I wish you all the best with your meds- it really sucks to have something that works come with so many side effects.

      I’m finally coming to the painful realization that I can’t do everything I think I ought to be capable of because of my mental illness and it sucks so hard. Looks like I’ll be applying for intermittent FMLA for my bipolar, actually. Wish me luck, this is tough to handle…

      1. JaneB*

        Luck! It’s very hard, especially if those around you are of the “Just try harder!” school of thought. sending empathy your way!

    6. Dr. KMnO4*

      Depressed today. Probably has a lot to do with *that* time of the month; since I’ve been off my BC the PMS symptoms are returning with a vengeance. But I know that part of it is also just being upset about my situation at work. Just doing some self-care today and tomorrow and keeping up with the meds.

    7. Lissa*

      I’m OK. Still struggling with a lot of intrusive thought spirals, and having a very hard time telling when I am reasonably annoyed or upset or worried and when it’s just my dumb jerk brain deciding to freak right out. I also feel like a terrible person for having different opinions than some people on some current social issues and again, not sure if that’s reasonable and trying really hard to change my opinion isn’t working. People keep telling me I’m wrong but I don’t feel wrong, so ??

      That all sounds bad, but the sun is out again finally so some of my seasonal depression is alleviating! I walked to work today, half an hour away, and also home, and am going to make some chili for dinner tonight! Feeling like I have some things to look forward to, and was also really active this week overall which always helps my mental health.

      1. Tiny Crankypants*

        I went for a meditation session to deal with my C-PTSD. I cried the entire time and realised that I have a lot of repressed emotions. Growing up, I was not allowed to be sad or angry and people, especially my mother, told me not to be sad because there were others worse off than me. My anger was also invalidated a lot. My instructor is very nice but very expensive. Since public mental healthcare where I live is bad, I have decided to seek help from private practitioners, who are very effective. She’s expensive, but I want to get better. I want so much to feel normal again, no matter what that is.

    8. Betsy*

      I’m having problems with intrusive thoughts again this week. I also have felt a bit panicky on and off for the last day or so. I’m irritated because I really have every reason to be happy right now, as things are going pretty well for me.

      I go to therapy, but sometimes I feel frustrated at therapy too.

      1. Betsy*

        I’m proud of myself for resigning from my job, though. I had to summon up a lot of energy to actually have the talk.

    9. Janeitenoir*

      I’ve actually had a decent week mental-health-wise – I’m starting to hope I’m pulling out of the spiral I spent most of February in. I saw my therapist on Wednesday, which went well, and there has been a lot of CBT that I’ve been putting into practice. I actually had moments where I was bored and not having the intrusive thoughts. I had a good weekend with the boyfriend – it’s amazing how just hanging out and cuddling him can calm me down.

  56. Anon today*

    I have to have a biopsy. I didn’t stay off the internet. There is a thirty percent chance that it is cancer. I am trying not to project. A little freaked out. A lot freaked out. A bit ashamed. I knew that something was wrong and waited to go to the doctor.

    1. nep*

      I hope you’re not beating yourself up.
      So sorry you’re going through this anxiety and uncertainty. When’s the biopsy?
      We’re pulling for you. Please keep us posted.

    2. Junior Dev*

      This is not your fault. There’s no perfect way to be a patient or to navigate the (confusing, overwhelming, often expensive) healthcare system. Whatever happens, you did the right thing by going in when you did.

    3. Kuododi*

      Speaking as someone who had cancer many years ago and was fortunate they were able to get it all with surgery, freaking out is understandable. There is no right or wrong way to address this problem in your life… just take good care of yourself, do what you need to do to stay upright and functioning….(as long as it’s legal!!!). You have nothing to be ashamed of….all you did was have a biopsy. Keep in mind,. 30 percent chance of cancer also means 70 percent chance this will turn out to be no problem!!! Cancer is rough but it is no longer the death sentence it was 20-30 years ago. Keep us posted. Best wishes!!!!

    4. Ali G*

      I’m so sorry! I hope it all works out. I had to have a biopsy a few years ago. The results were either – you have lymphoma or this other completely benign (but painful) tumor. My surgeon went on vacation the day after the biopsy so I had to wait over a week for the results. Luckily, it was benign, and besides still causing me pain almost everyday, it still is.
      So focus on the 70% chance it’s nothing!!
      Take care of yourself too. This isn’t your fault.

      1. Anon Today*

        I am hoping the biopsy is this week. I have to wait until Monday to see if they can fit me in. Otherwise it will be after April 17th. So at first when she (the Dr) said sometime in April, I thought oh, this is no big deal. Then I went on-line and realized that I have had these symptoms for over a year and if I see the words, “early detection” is the key to survival, I will scream. So best case would be biopsy this week some time.
        Thank you all for your thoughts as I can’t even say the words aloud.

        Okay good news-
        Great Dr. She did major surgery on me four years ago. Great health insurance.
        Supportive husband person. Dog.

        1. Anon for today*

          Rant ahead-
          okay I know I said I had a supportive husband but not once today has he said, how can I make things better…he is acting like everything is just normal. I am on huge deadlines right now for work. I am taking an overseas business trip in 3 weeks that I am not prepared for. I have a huge yearly event two days before my trip and am hosting out-of-towners the day before that. HE has invited 30 people to our house for his pet charity and when I told him it was bad timing, he said it was our turn and don’t worry we will have it catered. It is next week and has he done ANYTHING to prepare? No. Then today I worked up what the catering would cost and he started nickel and and diming and said that we could just do x and y and z. WE? So I lost it. I said have you ever in your life prepared for thirty guests? Thrown a party? Hosted cocktails? Held a tea? No. And then he want to know why I am being negative.

          Did I mention that I have pink eye?

          1. Someone else*

            I am in no way trying to suggest your feelings are unreasonable, but want to throw out a possibility in case it might make you feel a little better or even just be something you hadn’t considered.
            It’s possible he’s acting like everything is just normal as a coping mechanism. Maybe he feels like if he doesn’t act as if it’s normal, he may lose it, so he feels like he needs to keep the “normal” in place. This could be conscious or unconscious, but it’s a very common reason I’ve seen for acting like everything is normal in fine in the midst of potentially scary news.
            For the catering angle…I got nuthin’.

            1. Anon Today*

              yes and I guess I was sending mixed signals “trying to be normal” trying to be outwardly calm.
              I am just going to do my usual veggie platter, cheese and good bread, two dips, smoked salmon, and some proscuitte with figs. Fresh fruit/whatever looks good. Maybe some bars. Iced tea, coffee, seltzer. one of the board members is bringing wine. The thing is from 3 to 5 next Sunday. Cleaning the house today. Getting rid of the pile of books this morning.

              1. Reba*

                Eh, I say let the husband do it!

                Soon you’ll have a little space to talk through with your supportive husband person what you need — maybe when you have a clearer sense yourself of what it is you need — and I bet he’ll come through.

                1. Anon Today*

                  Feeling much better. Saner. Thanks for the support.
                  supportive husband just took down the Christmas tree.
                  And has given me space all day to get some work done.

                  Books have been sorted for donation and shelving. We can see the fireplace again. All the laundry done.
                  Working through the old magazine pile.

                  then a power point.

    5. Incantanto*

      Data turns up even when you don’t look for it.
      The important thing is that you went.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Well said.

        Try not to be hard on yourself—it’s easy to second-guess a decision in retrospect, but it’s an unkindness to yourself.

  57. Mischa*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for stain removers that are safe for silk? Dry cleaners are not an option, unfortunately. We do not have any eco-friendly dry cleaners in my city and I haaaaaate the smell of traditional dry cleaners.

    1. Reba*

      I think it depends a lot on what the stain is.

      I will say — I wash my silk blouses at home, cold water and a very gentle, non-sudsy detergent like Eucalan, some people use shampoo — that it is not recommended to spot-treat silk. Since it’s so susceptible to color loss, you could remove the stain but leave a permanent pale spot in its place! My process is: soak for a while with soap, very very gently rub the stains with a little more of your soap, rinse with vinegar in the water, rinse with clear water, and lay to dry or press dry.

      If it is an oily stain, I’d recommend trying to pull it out first! Heap talcum powder over it and let sit for a few hours, then brush away. A purpose-made product for this is called Janie.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I’d use an enzyme spray for pets, such as Nature’s Miracle.
          Spray an area larger than the stain and spray BOTH sides of the stain. Don’t skip this part. Stains expand as they are breaking up- so you want that expansion area covered. (This is guess work. Make your best guess.) Additionally stains have to sides, a top side and a bottom side, you want to hit it from both sides for the sake of thoroughness. Let it sit or hang.
          Wait. Maybe 12 hours? Check the stain. If the spray is going to get the stain out it should be gone by the time you check it. Enzymes “eat” stains. You can wash as you normally would.

          I used Nature’s Miracle on a food- stained suede coat. It took the stain right out and left no trace.

    3. Natalie*

      Are you familiar with Jolie Kerr? She does the Ask a Clean Person series and is great with unusual stains. She might have some columns on silk.

    4. Kerr*

      Prior comment didn’t nest, so trying again:

      Cornstarch. Put a spoonful on the stain, press it in a bit, let it sit and absorb for a while, brush off. Repeat a few times. It probably won’t come out completely without washing, but it will remove enough grease that it can wash out.

      It depends on the garment, but I’ve had success washing soft silks with baby shampoo, Eucalan, or dish soap, with tepid water and no scrubbing. Add a dash of vinegar to the final rinse.

  58. ChildlessbyChoice*

    Further to the period/birth control discussion upthread, there’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I’m close to 40, and been on the bc pill since I was about 22, mainly for acne control. I have never wanted kids. Since I’m pushing 40 and I know the pill isn’t recommended for women older than about 35, I talked to my doctor about getting something permanent done, again since I don’t want kids. Not only that but I don’t think I’ll have the opportunity to have them: I’m single, and if I met someone tomorrow, I think it’ll be about 2-3 years before we’d be in a position to discuss having kids, which I know wouldn’t go well (I know there are issues with geriatric pregnancies and also some family medical history means it wouldn’t be prudent). My md wouldn’t even discuss it. She also said there’s no way an ob-gyn would discuss it when I asked for a referral. I feel like I can’t win here: I can’t take permanent steps to not have kids, and getting pregnant would not be smart. She suggested an iud, which I went with, and it’s ok, but it’s had some bad side effects: inconsistent periods, acne, severe cramps.

    I guess I’m just frustrated that if I were having difficulty conceiving, the medical community here would bend over backwards to help me: referrals, medications, and insurance would pay for a lot of it. But as a woman who doesn’t want kids, my wishes are dismissed “in case I meet someone” (actual words doctors have said to me). It’s just really really frustrating that it’s 2018 and women still aren’t being listened to about this stuff.

    1. WG*

      I’d go see a GYN anyway to discuss your options. Making the decision for permanent birth control is a very personal, individual decision that one doctor should not make for you. There are many aspects to consider for both now and the future, but those should be your decisions after obtaining and evaluating all the facts. You may decide you’re not ready to close that door yet, but it’s your decision.

      2. Reba*

        You may have to try more than one GYN practitioner, if you can, but yeah, I don’t think your doctor is right on this.

        Do you have access to a Planned Parenthood clinic in your area?

        Good luck, CbC!

          1. Agnodike*

            There are actually PP centres in some cities (Ottawa has one, and I think Toronto, too). They don’t provide clinical care but they DO provide referrals, and they have a good sense of the GYN landscape in their communities.

            You should absolutely see another doctor; ask around and see if anyone has a GYN they really like, or call whoever your local reproductive health advocacy organization is (PP, Hassle-Free Clinic, Sexual Health Centre, whatever) and speak to one of their counsellors about a referral.

    2. Kj*

      See if you can find any docs in your city that would consider tying your tubes- sometimes there is a doc if you call around and ask if they tie tubes for women of X age. You have to be persistant, but I bet a doctor would do it- you are 40 and clearly know your own mind. I had a friend who got hers done at 30 by calling around and sounding sure.

    3. Oxford Coma*

      I tried to get an ablation and tube tie in my early 20s, and could not find a doctor willing to do it. I used BCP for over 20 years, then got a hormonal IUD. My endocrinologist recently suggested that so many decades of hormones may have contributed to my thyroid problems.

      I encourage you to keep looking until you find a doctor willing to do what you want. The long-term effects of hormonal BC is significant.

    4. Nicole76*

      But as a woman who doesn’t want kids, my wishes are dismissed “in case I meet someone” (actual words doctors have said to me). It’s just really really frustrating that it’s 2018 and women still aren’t being listened to about this stuff.

      So what if you met someone? That doesn’t automatically mean you’d suddenly want children. How very 1970’s of her. I’d look for a new doctor who listens.

      1. ChildlessbyChoice*

        To be fair, it was a past doctor who said that, not the current one. But I’ve also heard it from other women I know, men I’ve dated… it’s such a pervasive attitude.

        At the moment I have the iud but if the side effects don’t improve, or if they get worse, I’m going back to the doctor and making a big deal out of this. And I do know a couple of nurses so I’ll ask around to see if they can point me in the right direction.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I had an IUD that I wound up removing after three months. So yeah, it doesn’t work for everyone.

          I vote with everyone who suggests finding a different doctor. Maybe phone screening to ask if they/their practice does permanent bc for women who haven’t had and don’t want children—make sure to tell them your age, as the answer may vary by age.

    5. Melody Pond*

      Can you go see some different doctors? Or – I’m not completely clear on whether the MD you spoke to was a general practitioner, or an OB/GYN, but maybe go talk to an OB/GYN anyway?

      I’m 31, so younger than you, and I’m coming up on the one-year anniversary of having my fallopian tubes removed in late April. I don’t know where you live, but I’m guessing that this attitude against women getting sterilized could be somewhat linked to political leanings and cultures in different parts of different countries. I’m in Portland, OR (USA), and the OB/GYN I saw about getting sterilized, didn’t even blink or ask me if I was sure, even once. She was just like, “Okay, great! Here’s all the stuff you need to know beforehand…”

      By the way, this same OB/GYN recommended the procedure of removing the fallopian tubes over just snipping/tying them, because it apparently can significantly reduce the risk of ovarian cancer. It cost me way more money with my insurance, but I decided that was worth it, and Mr. Pond and I sprang for the more expensive procedure.

      Anyway – it’s just complete nonsense to me that you can’t get sterilized if that’s what you want. I’d keep going to different doctors until you find one who doesn’t feel the need to make your reproductive decisions for you.

      1. Enough*

        Also though very rare tubes can reconnect. Can lead to outright pregnancy or ectopic pregnancies.

    6. Anon4This*

      Definitely talk to an obgyn. Some of them are more reasonable than your doc sounds. Also, lower dose pills can be quite safe when you are older. It is very individual, and depends very much on your other risk factors such as family history, blood pressure, and so on. I’m past 50, and I’m still on a low dose pill. It is working well for me to ease early menopause symptoms as well as warding off any later-life babies.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        They wouldn’t let me have it anymore after I turned 45, even though I’d been taking low-dose pills for ages with no problems because a regular pill gave me a DVT. The doc who took me off it flat out refused to discuss his decision with me, even to talk about alternatives, and wouldn’t return my calls–he sent me a letter saying he was taking me off them and then ghosted me!

        I had to call the office manager and complain about him. He didn’t stick around there after his residency, thank goodness. My doctor now would NEVER do that to me without talking to me about it (and he was all, “The oldest woman to have a baby was 70. You could do it!”) He’s soooo much more awesome than Dr. Ghosty McChicken.

        I don’t know why they fecking do this. A man can walk in and just get a vasectomy with no issues. It’s so sexist and dumb.

    7. First Post Ever!*

      There’s a list on Reddit “childfree” of doctors who are open to performing tubals on women who don’t have kids. I found one who was willing at 32, and it was awesome. Definitely doctor shop! There really are doctors out there who believe you’re allowed to make up your own mind.

    8. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m on the new doctor wagon. I’m a little older than you, single, and not going to have kids. When I last had to make a contraceptive decision, I was at what turned out to be the tail end of a marriage and unsuccessful TTC for him but wanted to get back on BC because a pregnancy would have been a disaster for my mental health. My PCP offered tubal ligation. I didn’t take him up on it, but might when my IUD runs out. Only problem is that my IUD does such a good job controlling my terrible cramps. And my insurance would have paid for the tubal but none of the infertility. Insurance is so frustrating.

      Anyway, point is that you need to look for a new doctor. In fact, I know a man who got a vasectomy in his (early?) 30s because he was that certain he didn’t want kids. It took him a while, but he finally found a doctor who listened.

    9. copy run start*

      Your MD is full of !#@&. I got my tubes tied in my mid 20’s — single, no children, no boyfriend even. My MD didn’t bat an eye, and the OBGYN she referred me to didn’t bat an eye.

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      You say you’re single (which of course doesn’t mean you’re celibate) but if you’re not having regular sex, is there any practical need for you to be on the pill? Especially since you were mostly on the pill to control your acne and now you’re using a method that’s known for making acne worse. It just seems like your doctor was focused on keeping you on some kind of birth control without accounting for the realities of your life.

    11. Earthwalker*

      When I was 25 I asked about tubal ligation. I got the same story you got, that I couldn’t be sure that I would never change my mind. (I’m 60+ and I’m sure I have not changed my mind!) At 25 my husband-to-be asked about a vasectomy. He got a vasectomy. What’s up with that? And why is it still like that thirty years later! Grrr. No good advice but plenty of sympathy.

      1. RestlessRenegade*

        I was just about to ask, would they say the same thing to a man asking for a vasectomy? I seriously doubt it.
        You have every right to make choices about your body. I definitely think you should forget this doctor and find one who will do what you want.

    12. Short & Dumpy*

      Find a new doctor. There ARE doctors out there who will actually listen to a woman and realize that (shock!) we actually have brains.

      I’m a woman who has known my entire life I didn’t want kids. The closest I’ve come in my entire life…and I’m approaching menopause…is ‘well, kids might not be as bad as cancer’. And that was a brief though…most of my adult life I’d take cancer even terminal over kids. Both my spouses have been the same way—we went vasectomy route because it is a much more minor surgery and it was pre-ACA. I learned to be quite adamant about it…one doctor I went to tried that crap on me to the point I got aggressive and asked him if he REALLY wanted considers parenthood a worse fate than than terminal cancer to raise a child. He backed off (and yes, I filed a complaint and found a new doctor). I’d actually probably be a pretty good mom, but I don’t WANT to be and that’s all that should matter. Doctors are there for medical care, not moral judgements about whether woman know their own minds & should be broodmares.

      (Not that I’ve got really strong feelings on this or anything! Sorry for the rant!)

    13. Valancy Snaith*

      I have to say, as someone who is actually infertile, it’s still pretty damn hard to get the correct care. Referrals and medication take a lot of self-advocacy to get, and insurance coverage for infertility is reeeaaaalllly hit-or-miss.

      I promise you a gyn would not only discuss it, but they would almost certainly do it for you. Ask for a referral again, in stronger terms. Say you need to see a gynecologist. If your regular PCP won’t refer you, some gyns take self-referrals if you call around. Sexual health clinics will almost certainly be able to refer you to doctors who will take that kind of thing seriously, and may be able to write a referral to you. As with all things, you’ll be in better luck if you’re in a city. If you’re in Ontario, OHIP covers tubal ligations, but I can’t speak to other provinces.

    14. Observer*

      Please go see someone with some sense – preferably an OB / Gyn. Aside from the more general issues, given your age and medical history the idea that you need to leave open the possibility that you might change your mind is just nonsense. This is one of the few situations where I would say that a good doctor should actually be proactively discussing the benefits of permanently cutting off your childbearing capacity.

    15. ChildlessbyChoice*

      Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I will be making some calls and pressing for more options. And a bunch of you made a good point: if I were a man I could probably just walk in and ask for a vasectomy, and be scheduled for one as an out-patient in like two weeks.

      I was listening to the radio today and there was a story by a woman who had terrible endometriosis and finding a specialist was insane for her. It just made me think, women’s health care has a long way to go.

    16. TL -*

      My OB-GYN offered for me when I said I wanted an IUD because I didn’t want kids – she made it very clear that tying my tubes was an option if I really wanted it. (I didn’t. Kids are on the table for me, just not a big priority.)

      Which is to say – your doctor doesn’t know and there are OB-GYNs who will do it. Keep looking and make your GP give you a referral.

  59. sophieChotek*

    So…I was just rear-ended. =(

    I called the police and the officer took a report. The lady who rear-ended me and I both looked at our cars. Hers looked fine….as far as Incould tell there was only a minor scratch and possibly a very minor dent – we both agreed our cars were so dirty it was hard to tell – on my bumper. If my car was not a lease, I don’t think I would have even worried about it. But because it’s a lease I am more concerned.

    But I am not sure I want to tell my dealership I was rear-ended if it does not need to be fixed. should Injust casually point it out and ask “how much wear and tear is considered normal.”

    Thanks.
    T.

    1. Someone else*

      The trickier part to this issue is you can’t assume it doesn’t need to be fixed by looking at it. Something behind the bumper could’ve been damaged/cracked/whathaveyou and you won’t know unless you have a pro look at it. That’s my understanding of the concern with rear-ending. There may not be much visible damage on the point of impact but it still could’ve damaged something underneath the car. So it’s really worth having it checked out, especially since insurance should cover it. Unless the rear-ending happening going like…3 mph and the cars really just barely touched, it’s probably not worth the risk.

    2. Betty (the other Betty)*

      You should probably get the car looked over by a good mechanic. My car was rear-ended twice. First time, the plastic cover on the bumper just had a tiny scrape, but the actual bumper underneath was damaged. Second time, the bumper was fine, but the muffler/exhaust was pushed in and needed to be fixed, which I couldn’t tell without getting under the car.

      In terms of the lease: read your paperwork to see if they define wear and tear. I wouldn’t point out a tiny scratch if that’s all it turns out to be.

    3. Red Reader*

      If you were rear-ended and an officer took a report, I would suggest filing a claim to your insurance company, who will almost certainly go after her insurance for complete coverage of any repairs necessary – at which point, your dealership DEFINITELY won’t have any issues with the outcome. Why risk it?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, she’s the hitter, you’re the hittee. Her insurance will pay. I would check with the company you lease from. It’s their property and if you don’t check in with them they might say that you failed to take reasonable care of the vehicle, which could cause you unforeseen problems.

        Why are you hesitant to tell the leasing agency?

    4. Anona*

      I was rear ended last year. If she rear ended you, her insurance may end up paying for whatever repairs are needed. Call them to file a claim, and see what happens. In my state if someone rear ends you, they’re pretty much always considered”at fault” automatically, meaning that their insurance must pay for your repairs and medical care.

      I also strongly recommend going to the Dr or urgent care to get checked out. I had a little neck/shoulder pain the day of, and ended up needing months of physical therapy, which apparently is super common with whiplash. Sometimes it can take a year or more for full recovery.

      Going to the doctor immediately helps confirm with the insurance company that the pain is caused by the accident. If you wait, they may say it’s unrelated, and may not want to cover it.

      Also, the insurance company paid me some pain and suffering money, and for lost wages. oh! If you do need to miss work at all, get a doctor’s note, also for insurance. Do this also if you go to physical therapy. That ended up being surprisingly important.

      And the whole ordeal was a huge pain in the ass, so pain & suffering was def warranted! Also, be aware that you can negotiate with insurance for what they cover/ the pain and suffering. You don’t have to take what they first offer.

    6. Belle di Vedremo*

      Sorry to hear you’ve been rear-ended. Because it sounds like a low speed hit, based on seemingly very minor damage, this is my standard PSA: in a low-impact hit, bodies take more of the brunt of the hit than the vehicles do. So be on the lookout for incipient aches and pains over the next while. For me, it was a couple months before my shoulder seized up and froze. So ask about follow up care should a need arise later, that can be tied to the accident. (Mine presented with a lovely seat belt line from shoulder to hip.)

      And drink extra water over the next few days to help your body adjust. After even a low impact hit, we’re often in some degree of shock which lessens our internal assessment of discomfort or damage.

      As for the car being on lease, there should be info in that lease on how best to handle this. Since you were the one hit, liability should be with the other driver’s insurance.

  60. sophieChotek*

    Carbs.

    so I am trying to shed some pounds by cutting sugar and carbs (or really cutting back).

    But the thing is, I love carbs! Potatoe, pasta, bread, rice….

    Even once I lose my goal ( at least 20) I would like to really keep my carbs to a minimum. What subs have found that satisfies those cravings but don’t have the carbs?

    1. Rogue*

      Spaghetti squash for pasta! It’s not the exact same, a little more buttery, but still tastes yummy!

    2. Mephyle*

      1. Cauliflower rice. And just cauliflower. And steamed shredded cabbage, with cheese if you like. Brassicas in general: also broccoli and brussels sprouts.
      2. When you do have carbs, have unprocessed carbs like vegetables (such as potatoes, yams and beans) and avoid grains, i.e. things made with flour, or rice.

    3. TrixieBelden*

      For crunchy chips – try Whisps – parmesan cheese crisps. Yum. I’m down 30 pounds in 8 months by limiting carbs – once you get over the first few weeks, it gets much easier!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      A company called Lensi makes pastas out of beans, chickpeas, lentils and so on. No carbs. I am not sure if this is an area company or a national company. These pastas are in the pasta aisle. They are not too bad really and it seems adequate for my cravings.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      You still need carbs for energy. But COMPLEX carbs are best. Peas, beans, whole grains, vegetables. It’s the refined carbs (white bread, etc.) that are the baddies. Just calories with little fiber or nutrition. You need that fiber to keep you regular.

      I tried whole wheat pasta and it’s better for you and tastes great. Make sure it’s 100% whole wheat. And sweet potatoes are better than regular ones and tastier, too. Nom nom. Of course, cutting down on your portion sizes will help also. Even wheat pasta will make you gain weight if you eat too much. Though it’s hard not to, because it’s goooooooooooood. And I mostly eat sprouted wheat bread now. It’s the best for toast–I can’t find good bread anywhere that still has any texture when you toast it. All American supermarket bread is like foam. My auntie buys this seed bread in the UK (the brand is Hovis) and it’s so good toasted. I wish I could get it here.

      It’s almost midnight but now I want toast. :)

    6. Nina*

      Cauliflower rice is great, because it can take on basically any flavor you use to season it. I made cauliflower rice “bread”, and they tasted like potato pancakes. And as someone who loves potatoes, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed them.

      Also cauliflower fried rice. Very similar to regular fried rice. I learned that when the substitute tastes similar, you don’t miss the original as much.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Ive found that I if I can have potatoes in a reasonable quantity that I am not as bothered by the others. Note: reasonable quantity!

      Otherwise any sort of roasted vegetable will work, or cauliflower rice (i whizz up many one cup batches at a time and freeze until ready to cook it. Love it more than normal rice now I think!) as note below.

    8. Girlwithapearl*

      For me, cutting carbs requires ensuring I have adequate healthy fats– olives and olive oil and avocados and good nuts. This makes sure my meals are filling (vegetables and protein and healthy fat is the key) and lasting.

    9. Belle di Vedremo*

      A friend got me started on homemade kefir (that’s the fermented milk akin to yogurt). I use whole milk, and don’t add flavoring or sweetener because to my surprise it’s yummy plain. After a couple weeks, my cravings for sugars and carbs plummeted. I hadn’t known that was possible. The commercial kefir I’ve seen is loaded with sugars and flavorings. Making my own is really simple – especially as a friend gave me the starter “grains.” YMMV, but in talking with others this isn’t a surprising result.

      In the past I’ve tried to cut sugars, and that has worked best if I up my protein and healthy fats intake.

      Good luck, hope that your explorations lead you to delicious changes and the benefits you seek.

    10. Jojobean*

      Oh god, I feel you. I’m in the same boat – both with the need to cut carbs and sugar, and the shared love for them. What I’ve found actually works best for me due to that aforementioned love is not to cut them out completely (at least not at first) but instead to cut back drastically. That way I can still occasionally have a cinnamon roll without guilt, but only one instead of a whole pan, and only every now and then.

  61. INTP*

    Is anyone familiar with the Gretchen Rubin four tendencies? I went down a podcast/internet rabbit hole this week and realized I’m a Rebel that’s been treating myself like a Questioner. As in, my tendency is to research research research and then individualize a plan and genuinely put a ton of thought into how I’m going to do what I want myself to do, but I still only wind up doing it as long as it’s novel or I feel like it. As soon as something semi-becomes a consistent habit I’m at risk for stopping entirely because then doing something ELSE is what feels novel and therefore feels good. I think I need to work this need for novelty into my efforts to be consistent with things. I’m curious if anyone else found this system insightful or helpful at all?

    (I’m not treating it as some sort of objective scientific truth that all humans fall into one of these four types and need to live their lives as Gretchen Rubin says, of course. I just found it a helpful way to think about what I actually find motivating and am successful with versus what I do that doesn’t work. Just adding a little disclaimer because when you mention any sort of personality sorting thing people seem to love declaring that it’s useless pseudoscience because it’s not universally applicable, lol.)

    1. Accidental Analyst*

      Fellow INTP but I’m an obliger with questioner and rebel tendencies. I think systems like this (and MBTI) are useful for thinking about the way you think/approach things. With the 4 tendencies I think of them more as separate scales. So I’d rate myself high on obliger, high on questioner, rebel varies and low on upholder.

      For me, particularly with low upholder and varying rebel, things like SMART goals and set schedules don’t work. Instead I try more for rhythms and low bars. I might have a range of 5 things I want to do each morning. As long as I do at least one and I make a deliberate decision to not do the others (ie don’t just forget) that’s a win. Within the things I may also have other criteria. Eg with exercise I try to do some weekday mornings for a minimum of 1km or 10 minutes, whichever comes first. It’s a low bar but if I’m more likely to do it and go for longer than if I set more rigorous criteria.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m actually talking to Gretchen Rubin soon for the AAM podcast! If anyone has questions they want me to ask her, put them here and I will see what I can do!

      1. Accidental Analyst*

        That’s really cool. Couple of questions:
        * Tips for obligers to maintain boundaries/not take on board other people’s work
        * Tips for questioners to get the info they need to make a project succeed without coming off like they’re belittling/pushing back on the project/idea
        * Worst/most outrageous case of obliger rebellion she’s witnessed/heard about

      2. Cristina in England*

        I would actually love to know what she thinks about reconciling the need for novelty with consistency. My need for novelty is a huge obstacle in forming habits, and it would be great to be able to build in novelty on purpose if that is even possible.

        1. INTP*

          This is a big thing for me too. It seems like the longer I stick with a habit, the better it feels to stop doing it because it’s so novel, so no habit is safe!

      4. INTP*

        I’d be curious about how the types can best explain their motivational styles to each other for better understanding. For example, how Rebels can explain what we need to feel motivated to partners, employers, etc. without coming across as lazy, immature, or selfish.

    3. Cristina in England*

      WOW this is me:
      “As in, my tendency is to research research research and then individualize a plan and genuinely put a ton of thought into how I’m going to do what I want myself to do, but I still only wind up doing it as long as it’s novel or I feel like it.”

      I will have to start consciously introducing novelty into things to keep interested. I don’t know how to do that though. How are you going about this, @INTP?

      1. INTP*

        I’m not sure, to be honest. I really need to get more exercise, and strength exercise especially is a challenge right now because I’m really weak from hypothyroidism. When I try a new yoga/pilates/strength training video, I almost always can’t do most of it, so that’s really discouraging, but I also have a hard time sticking with the same videos or programs because I get bored. (I was able to do most of the yoga in Yoga with Adriene’s new years program, but I got 10 classes in and couldn’t stand the sound of her voice anymore.) I wish I could try new classes all the time but I don’t have the money for studio classes or the fitness level to get much out of them. I think I can possibly get myself to walk more by budgeting to bribe myself with certain destinations, like walking to a new coffee shop in my neighborhood and I get a coffee, or to the bookstore 2 miles away and I get a book.

        The one arena that I am really consistent and successful in right now is grocery shopping/meal prep/healthy eating, and I credit that to the fact that I comb through my cookbooks and blogs for recipes I’m actually excited to cook every week and rarely repeat recipes. Just sharing in case that helps!

        1. Cristina in England*

          This all sounds so familiar to me. I am great at taking long walks when I have just moved to a place but I get sooo incredibly bored with walking places I’m really familiar with. And I too find the novelty of new recipes a really good way to eat well! (Though I now live with three picky eaters so I’m not in a great place with this at the moment)

          I am also great at trying new hobbies but terrible at getting really really good at them or perfecting my skills. Strangely enough, I used to be a regular runner in the most unexpected way (for people like me): I always ran the same two routes (long and short) and I didn’t use headphones, I just really focused on how my body felt and how my form was. I still cannot believe this worked so well for so long (until I got pregnant with my first), as there was no novelty to it at all. Well the novel thing was that it worked, I guess. I kind of dreaded it but I still did it. I plan on taking it up again in September. I’ll report back on how it goes!

        2. PX*

          So I might be biased, but have you considered climbing as a hobby? Obviously depends on if there are any halls around you. But it would meet your strength/exercise goals, and has inbuilt novelty because if the halls around you are any good, then the routes/problems change every few weeks so new things to try!

    4. Not That Jane*

      INFJ / Questioner

      The 4 tendencies were helpful for me, particularly from a marriage/relationship standpoint. I had hubby take the quiz and he turned up as an Obliger. It really helped us develop empathy for each other around frustrations like, “Why doesn’t she remember to hang my shirts up in the right order?” (Answer: the request didn’t make sense to me, so it didn’t stick) or “Why does he get so stressed when I want to make a low-pressure request?” (Answer: because he feels a lot of internalized pressure to comply with external requests)

      1. Cristina in England*

        Oh I love this. I wonder if my husband is an Obliger at home but a Questioner at work.

        1. Cristina in England*

          …or an Obliger at work but he releases the pressure valve at home and so all I get is the million reasons why Things Should Not Be Done That Way

        2. Not That Jane*

          I should add, something that was great about this was talking to another female friend who is an Obliger married to a Questioner. She said of her husband, “He would do absolutely anything for me… that he already wants to do.” It gave me such insight into my husband’s possible frustrations with me that I went right home from hanging out with her and apologized to him.

      2. Parenthetically*

        INFP/Questioner here

        This nails our marriage dynamic as well! Also, if anyone is into Enneagram, I’m a 4w5 and he’s a 9w1, which just ramps up the Questioner/Obliger dynamic.

        1. LNLN*

          The Enneagram saved my marriage! My husband and I are a classic combination (2 and 7) and understanding our types helped us to stop blaming each other for being the people we are.

    5. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Oh, man, I feel you. Another INTP and Rebel here. One thing that helps me is to have multiple schedules–if I wake up in Mood A, I’ll do X; if I wake up in Mood B, I’ll do Y; etc. It doesn’t always work well, but having alternatives gives me more freedom than just the binary of good habit/lack of good habit. Like I’ve been trying to up both the amount of protein and the amount of vegetables in my diet. Ideally I’d do both, but separating things out rather than just telling myself to eat better allows me to at least achieve part of my goals on certain days rather than none of them.

      1. Cristina in England*

        This makes a lot of sense, it what you do with kids to give them a sense of control: offer two choices, both of which are acceptable.

    6. Lissa*

      Never heard of her but just took the quiz because…well, I love personality tests even though I don’t always buy into them. I’m a Questioner, absolutely. Description fits me perfectly. Ha. Maybe I’ll have to look into this a bit more! I barely felt anything like “oh, but I’m sometimes like *that*” with any of the other tendencies and had very little trouble picking answers, which is pretty uncommon with tests like that for me.

  62. nep*

    Do you flip your mattress?
    I can’t afford a new one right now. I flipped it and clearly it’s not meant as a two-sided mattress, but I’m going to sleep on the other side for a night or two to see. (If it doesn’t work I plan to put a futon mattress on the bed frame till I can get a new one.)

    1. fposte*

      I have a two-sider. I turn it the long way (I cheat there–since it’s on casters, I just wheel the whole bed around rather than flipping the mattress) and flip it.

      What I’m seeing online is that it’s worth a try to flip a one-sider; if the problem is the lack of padding on the new side you can put something to soften it (you can get a memory foam at Big Lots for under $20 around where I am).

      I do think that with your current physical stuff, nep, it makes sense to try minimizing the squishiness component, so I support these experiments and wish you good luck.

      1. nep*

        Thanks a million. Yup — as little squishiness as possible is in order. We’ll see how it goes.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Mine can’t be flipped over either. The salesperson said to rotate it end for end. I made a mental note to myself when he said it’s a ten year mattress. No more stretching mattresses out for decades for me. Done doing that.

    4. Anono-me*

      You can also put a sheet of plywood between the mattress and box spring for more support. (Some home improvement store will cut the sheet to size and even cut it into two or three sections if you have a small vehicle. )

    5. Nina*

      Mine is a pillow-top, so I can’t flip it. I do rotate it, and there’s a noticeable difference.

  63. Collections*

    Question about a bill going to collection.

    Due to a comedy of errors, I recently got a notice from a debt collector that a thirty-dollar medical bill of mine was sent to collections. I am FURIOUS.

    I got a new job and changed insurance last summer. My new card looks the same as my old card (same insurance company, just different plan number). I was told to keep the old card for proof of continuous coverage.

    So, I went for blood work and gave them the wrong card. I had them both in the safe, and grabbed the wrong one. Totally my fault, of course. I realized it when I got home, and immediately called the testing lab to try to fix my error. The technician told me that it was already automatically submitted and nothing could be done. She said I needed to wait for the system to sort itself out, I would get a bill in the mail, and I could manual resubmit correctly once that came.

    I waited. And waited. Nothing came. I hadn’t moved, so there was no address change. I called the insurance company, and they said there was nothing showing up on my new account. I asked them to check the old account, and they claimed that since it was closed they couldn’t access anything.

    Fast forward to this week, and I get a notice for this amount, claiming that the testing lab had sent my bill to collections. So, do I just pay this version of the bill and get it over with? Can I fight the fact that it ended up happening this way, so my credit isn’t damaged? ( I’ve also been watching too much John Oliver, and now I’m freaking out, convinced that this debt will end up sold and zombified to pop up multiple times for the rest of my life.)

    1. fposte*

      A lot of medical “collections” are actually in-house, and they often won’t hurt your credit rating.

      The one exception to my general financial diligence is medical stuff, because I have one of those insurance policies where there are umpteen back and forths rather than a straightforward copay and I hate paying something before I know if it’s final or not. As a result, I’ve had stuff sent to my local system’s collections department three or four times. It doesn’t look like it’s from the system–it’s a separate arm with a whole nother name–but if I dig deep I can find the connection. There’s no surcharge, there’s no credit ding, the people are very nice, and I just pay it off and it’s over.

      I can’t swear yours is the same, but I thought I’d mention the possibility.

    2. Expert Camelid Midwife*

      Do you monitor your credit? It being in their “collections” doesnt necessarily mean it’s on your credit. Contact them again (the biller, not your insurance), and have them resubmit the bill to your correct insurance. If that fails, pay it off. It likely isnt going to hit your credit yet, just follow up and communicate.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      [Evil laugh.] I’d pay the bill. I would include a copy of a letter to the state attorney general’s office describing your situation. In that letter ask the attorney general for the company to give you a letter in writing explaining that the problem was clerical in nature, should have no effect on your credit rating and that the problem has been totally resolved.

      Then I would settle back and wait for the AG’s answer.

    4. Peggy*

      I’ve been in medical collections a dozen times and have never had it show up on my credit. (I should note that I always had the money to pay for these stupid bills, but have severe ADHD and am terrible with paper. I get thrown off when I get the “THIS IS NOT A BILL AND NOT THE FINAL AMOUNT” paper then the bill then 2 days later the reminder then I log onto the system and there’s no money due then suddenly it’s past due, etc. I just want a simple, straightforward website for my medical bills like all of the other bills that I’ve literally never been late on in my life, but that doesn’t exist. I either lose them, think I paid them, paid another one that was the same amount but didn’t realize it was 2 separate bills for 2 different appointments, etc.)

      I am about 40 and have a perfect record of paying every single credit card, utility, and rent or mortgage payment on time or early, my entire life. But I’ve messed up medical billing a hundred times.

      Credit score is an 830 on FICO/Equifax/Transunion, and I’ve never been dinged for medical collections since I always pay right away when I get a collection bill. Interestingly, usually medical collections have a way to pay online where most of the medical bills I’ve failed to pay did not… so of course, I can pay them right away online which usually solves my problem!

      1. Parenthetically*

        I get thrown off when I get the “THIS IS NOT A BILL AND NOT THE FINAL AMOUNT” paper then the bill then 2 days later the reminder then I log onto the system and there’s no money due then suddenly it’s past due, etc.

        AGH this is my issue. Also bills with no due date that get sent to collections 90 days later it is INSANE.

        1. Peggy*

          I had 3 emergency surgeries last yer (kidney stones and gallbladder issues, nothing too serious and just a fluke they happened around the same time) and I got over 100 different bills from the hospitals, doctors, anesthesiologists, specialist, the $900 ambulance that transported me from one hospital to another when there were no beds even though they assured me intra-hospital transfer was free of charge to me. Came to around 3k (I fought the ambulance one and got it down to $100 then I wrote a letter with my check about how they were slimy pieces of garbage and would rot for lying to a person on morphine about to have surgery which I’m sure was tossed in the trash unread but gave me a little bit of satisfaction). But that 3k was spread out in over 100 bills over a period of 3 months, many of which were sent in triplicate and arrived ON THE SAME DAY without information or itemization. It was near impossible to tell which were dupes, which were reminders, which had been paid recently but more reminders sent before my checks processed, etc. I went into collections over about 9 of them, under a hundred bucks worth even though I paid the other 2900 as they came in. It was a huge mess, medical billing is a complete disaster and they don’t take any responsibility for creating so much chaos.

          1. Epsilon Delta*

            Yes medical billing is so confusing. We had a similar experience when my husband had a minor surgery done last year.

            We also had a bill for a routine check up go to collections because it was billed wrong (and we had to fight the insurance company to get the correct amount paid by them). It was really upsetting to get the collections bill but you have a month or two “grace period” to pay it before it hits your credit. You can also send a letter to the debt collector demanding proof that the debt is valid and that will buy you another month or so.

    5. RestlessRenegade*

      If it makes you feel any better, hypothetically speaking if the bill DID go to collections and end up on your credit, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. You can sometimes offer to pay the debt in full to have the debtor remove it from your credit (they aren’t legally obligated to, but sometimes they will do it). Worst case scenario you pay the bill, it shows as paid on your credit (but stays under late/missed payments) and falls off after 7 years.

  64. all aboard the anon train*

    Random fashion observation, but after seeing it pop up in several places, I have to say I’m not a huge fan of the 2018 bodysuit trend. I understand the point of them. They’re supposed to be slimming and prevent awkward bunching and make it easier to have that sleek look of tucking a shirt into pants or a skirt without weird overhang, but they just look like adult onesies to me and I can’t take this trend seriously.

    It’s not even high fashion, either. I’ve seen these bodysuits in places like J.Crew. Anyone tried one of these (and I mean as normal clothing, not bodysuits for sports or anything)?

    1. fposte*

      I tried those the last time they were fashionable :-). I think they come back every few years and new people decide which bugs them more, bunching of their tops or extra crotch features. I’m going with “extra crotch features” myself.

      They shouldn’t look like an adult onesie when they’re worn, though, because you shouldn’t be seeing the bottoms, just the top.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        They always looked like it would be a pain to go to the bathroom. Unless they do it baby onesie style and have a button-up crotch, which then looks uncomfortable.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        Oh, I know they shouldn’t look that way when they’re worn, but that’s what they remind me of when I see them on hangers or in pictures on the store’s websites.

        Bunching of tops annoys me, but I don’t think I’m annoyed enough to try a bodysuit. They’re in the realm of jumpsuits for me in that I think going to the bathroom would be a nightmare.

    2. Oxford Coma*

      I have a standing policy not to wear anything that I already wore in the ’80s. Bodysuits fit this policy.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Did you notice that stirrup pants are back in the stores?? When I was a teen I tried to wear them, but being tall made it really difficult–I was always pulling them up. Now that I’m an adult, I know better.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I’ve been wearing leggings tucked into ankle boots and some of them have a tendency to bunch up just above the boot. Stirrup pants sound kind of appealing right now.

    3. Sylvan*

      It’s definitely on thin 80s ice, but maybe it can work. Have you ever worn jeans over a swimsuit on your way to a beach? It’s not too different.

      I like how tucked-in T-shirts look, and bodysuits fit the bill with less bulk and more comfort. I’ll probably try it this spring.

    4. Temporarily Anonymous*

      I don’t understand how people can wear those. I have a somewhat longer body but not extremely out of the usual range and if I wore a bodysuit I’d either be flashing my chest like an 80s wrestler or the bottom bit would be giving me a halfway-to-my-uterus level of wedgie.

    5. Effie, who is pondering*

      OK so obviously I’m in the minority there but bodysuits are growing on me :)

      I thought they were such a stupid idea and seeing them brought back ballet class flashbacks. I decided to give them a try after reading an article online about how they can work for you even if you don’t have a perfect body and how not worrying about lines is freeing. I bought a couple from ASOS on sale and I have to say, I love one of them. The other is a bit big. However ASOS has free shipping and returns so it was really nice. ASOS also has bodysuits in “long” and “petite” for those with long or short torsos. I have a long-ish torso and I went with regular bodysuits and they still fit fine. Zappos and Nordstrom sells bodysuits too and they also have free shipping/returns on all orders.

      I love it because – the texture is really smooth and nice and it feels good all the way down my back. It’s nice to know that I don’t have any lines under my clothes. It does have fasteners (the press-down kind, not the hook & eye) at the crotch which makes going to the bathroom fine. I wear underwear underneath – I think the fasteners would feel terrible against bare skin. I’ve bought a couple more since then and haven’t worn them out yet but I was just thinking about doing so tonight :)

    7. Scarlettnz*

      I wore bodysuits in the ‘80s back when I worked in the corporate world in London and I absolutely loved them. They are fantastic underneath suits. You do need to replace them once the crotch poppers start to wear out though- a colleague (and friend) said she could always tell by the look on my face when a popper popped as I sat down at my desk :-)

    8. The New Wanderer*

      Seems like they fix one problem (bunching shirts) and introduce another (visible panty line). It took me a long time to find underwear that doesn’t result in VPL and are not thongs , I doubt I’d have any luck finding a suitable bodysuit.

      Also I had one or two in the 90s, so they were back briefly then.

  66. Expert Camelid Midwife*

    Last week I asked for tips on how to reach out to a couple local non-profits I was interested in getting involved with (the ultimate goal was to serve on a board) and how my approach should look. I decided to reach out to my top two picks first (because I didn’t want to over-commit myself in case everyone responded with interest!) and decided to keep the initial contact a bit more casual (not including a resume/port) and then go from there.

    Although I didn’t hear from my top pick yet, my second pick responded after a couple days very enthusiastically. They expressed overwhelm because my background and interests check off every box they were currently needing help with and they’v extended an invitation to meet with the board and possibly joining the board if it lines up! I offered to help with a committee first or some projects that relate to my background to get acquainted with the ultimate goal of joining board down the line but the opportunity to do both at once is sort of on the table in front of me now.

    This org has a single mission, but one that I support. They are a smaller org and I think the commitment requested for board members is so doable and the other things they need are very doable for me and my schedule and other commitments and still leave me open to pursue a larger commitment down the line. I am going to focus on this one first to gain knowledge and experience and ditch some of the imposter syndrome that is creeping up about whether or not I’d be useful or good at this, before I pursue anything else.

    I’m really excited. I meet with a few board members and the director this week coming up. Thanks for the tips, those who replied last week!

  68. anon non non*

    Depressing topic–

    My family and I (husband, 3 yo, 1 yo) live 2,000 miles away from my parents. My dad appears to be losing his battle with cancer…slowly. He has had significant cognitive decline due to the treatment and location of the cancer. We have a trip planned to go visit in a couple of weeks.

    I’d love to hear from others who have had sick parents but live a plane ride away. How did you balance spending time with the sick parent/working/your children’s needs (one of my kids has special needs that requires regular appointments)? How did you support your healthy parent? I have two siblings (one equally far away from my parents, one international)–how should we be working together? We’ve tried having conversations with my parents because we felt like they were holding back information, but it seems like my mom is sharing everything. She just isn’t asking the questions we’d want her to ask.

    1. Also anon*

      I’m so sorry. My mom recently went through cancer treatment, and it was so important that she had an advocate in the room with her to ask and *absorb the answers*. I was incredibly lucky to have a sibling who could do that fairly well, as well as a close family friend who did much better. You may check to see if the local American Cancer Society or the hospital has a patient advocacy program to help your mom communicate effectively.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      One thing I learned with my parents is that probably they did not share much because they did not really understand what was being said. Conversation boiled down to what is going on today or how they are feeling today.

    3. IT Squirrel*

      I can’t advise on the long distance thing, having never done it, but on the asking of questions: if your mum isn’t asking them, e.g. at doctors appointments, could she phone one of you while there and you ask the doctor directly so she doesn’t have to? It also means she doesn’t have to process the answer and remember it so she can tell you later.
      I dealt with the illness of a parent and the doctor was happy to have one of my cousins (who happened to be a doctor in that specialty) on the phone and able to interject with questions despite being several hundred miles away at the time.

  69. The Curator*

    I need a tote bag/handbag for a carry-on, that can hold a water bottle, big earphones, a sandwich, a thirteen inch Mac air, a shawl, knitting, and an iPad for my trip to Japan. I need it to have interior pockets. Doesn’t have to be leather. I want something that I can carry all day and will look professional. (Right now I carry a backpack)
    My twenty year old Tumi is on its last repair.
    I like black and plain and as light as possible.

    Recommendations of your favorite? Or a brand that I should be looking at. I haven’t seen anything Coach or Tumi that would be a good fit for me and e-bags category is just too broad.

    1. Simone R*

      I love my big Kate Spade purse! A little pricey($300) , but still looks good 4 years out, although I did replace the straps. I’m always surprised at how much I can fit in it!

      1. The Curator*

        Did I remember a thread, a few weeks ago that someone was requesting a Leather Tote? I tried to do a search but can find it. Some one suggested a “not leather” but great. I looked at it but can’t remember the brand.

    2. CAA*

      If you’d like to look at a lower cost option, try Baggalini. Their totes are lightweight and practical with really good internal pocket arrangements; and I know from experience that they clean easily if there’s something on the floor when you put it under the seat on a plane. I have a striped one that I love for casual outings, but they have solid black and charcoal colors that are more professional looking. Also, you can often find them at TJ Maxx for half or less what they cost on their own site.

    3. Cristina in England*

      LL Bean have a lightweight nylon Tote that zips shut and has a thin pass through for a wheeled suitcase handle (it’s just webbing not a full sleeve). It only has one interior pocket but it has a great exterior zipped pocket that is large enough for a small handbag or clutch and has your normal small org pockety things there. I prefer that since I can leave the main pocket zipped. When full it is pretty much the carry on maximum so it can definitely fit everything you need but it is light and will squish smaller if its emptier. Only downside is the handles are sewn in half where you grab them so they’re narrower and less comfy. I undid that stitching and the handles are comfort that way. I’ll put a link in a reply.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Oh, it seems as if they’ve made the zippers grey (instead of black) so it may not look as professional as you’d like, but on the other hand it does have two side pockets I forgot to mention.
        It is called the Carryall Tote:
        https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/91563

  70. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    Don’t mind me, just breathing into a paper bag as I get ready to move again…

    I had thought that having to move a couple months before I lost my job was bad timing, but I think I’ve now encountered worse timing. Unbeknownst to me, my current landlord renewed my lease for thirteen months, not 12, and the new place I’m trying to get into is extremely competitive, meaning that I just had a long talk with them about trying to hold off on moving in for another month, and they won’t budge.

    Basically, I’m gonna have to find some way to either get out of my current lease a month early without it turning into a massive clusterfuck (and I’m very, very wary of breaking leases), or come up with two months’ rent overlap, which works out to…. hahahaha most of my take home pay.

    I’m really paranoid about losing out on the new place, because it’s pretty much the only apartment that meets all my requirements, and it not only meets them but smashes them. Everything else I’ve found is in some way majorly deficient, and I fell in love with this place the moment I saw it. Big airy kitchen, private entrance, hardwood floors, lots of storage space, the complex as a whole looks more like fancy condos than pleb apartments, and it’s maybe 10 minutes away from my office, driving opposite prevailing traffic for minimal rush hour congestion! But hoo boy is it going to strain my budget, and two months of paying rent for it plus paying rent on my current place is going to hurt.

    The upside I guess is that it means I will have plenty of time to take everything that I can possibly handle on my own, which will save me some pennies on movers. But the budgeting is giving me indigestion.

    1. Kathenus*

      I feel for you. I’ve had two different moves with either a significant overlap with two rents, or in one case I had just signed a lease when I got a great new job offer and had to find a way to buy my way out of it. For the former, I sucked it up and pinched pennies and as you mentioned used it to make moving cheaper. For the latter I had to borrow some money from my dad to get through, and was able to pay it back a year later once settled in the new gig.

      A great place to live is important, if you can do it and find a way to get through budget-wise, I hope you can take the new place you want.

      Good luck.

    2. CAA*

      Do you know anyone who might want your old place? In most places landlords have to try to mitigate damages, so if you are able to provide a qualified tenant who will move in on a new lease at the start of your month 13, then they can’t charge you for that month. Theoretically the landlord is required to look for this tenant, but realistically, it benefits you to help them find someone.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Sadly, I don’t. I don’t have a ton of local friends, and the ones I do have aren’t looking to move anytime soon.

        1. Reba*

          But your friends may have friends, etc. Might be worth asking folks to put the word out.

          Ugh and I’m giving side eye to the THIRTEEN months like that is a normal lease term come on dude!

          1. Reba*

            Meant to add, I and spouse have (both, separately) taken over strangers’ leases when they moved out or left the country or whatever when the lease term is up. One was a friend of a friend of a friend, one a rando. So if the personal social network doesn’t bring anything up, a Craigslist post might be worth a go if you have the spoons to do a little screening.

  71. Let's climb again*

    I posted last week about getting over a fear of climbing but I didn’t get back early enough to respond to the really helpful responses. Ironically enough part of that was because I went climbing!
    So thank you Causan, Anon attorney, PX, TL and everyone else for the help.
    In answer to some of the questions/advice, I think my main goal is to get rid of the physically shaking manifestation of my fear. Although being fear free would be awesome, I think that’s probably a step too far! I can control breathing symptoms when they appear by taking a rest and fighting through them so I’m less concerned when they make an appearance.
    I was talking to a colleague about heights and he said that if I climb, I’m not scared of heights, I’m scared of falling. Which actually made a whole lot more sense and has given me a new perspective to think about.
    The suggestions that I might not be completely recovered yet are probably right, and something I’m going to keep in mind when I’m trying to push myself so I don’t do too much.

    I haven’t been able to climb this week but when I went last weekend, I managed to do a small set of overhangs, one that I couldn’t fully get under (I think part of my issue is not being able to see where I’m going next) but that I still had to work to get over. So I’m really pleased with that, little steps in the right direction :)

    Thank you all for the advice.

    1. Lissa*

      Awesome! Are you doing outdoor or indoor climbing? I have recentlyish started indoor climbing in part to help me get over my vertigo. I’m doing a lot better but will still sometimes freeze on the wall and become convinced that everything is terrible. Good luck! I love climbing and used to do it all the time as a kid, everywhere/anywhere, and developed the vertigo later.

    2. PX*

      Glad to hear you have made it back, and good luck! As I said, for me, the shakes are a part of climbing that I’ve learnt are normal and can be overcome! So two suggestions for you: 1. the next time it happens, try climbing through them? The amount of times I’ve surprised myself by climbing through what I thought I couldnt is great (does wonders for the self esteem too – yes, I am awesome!). Again, main tip is just slow down, breathe slowly, but just keep going. 2. its very common! I cant find the link now, but I always remember some video I watched with a bunch of pro-climbers and one of them talking about having the exact thing when they were doing something scary, so just know you are not alone!

      Interesting to see you break down what it is that you dont like. Fear of falling is very common and is something that can be trained. Am also intruiged by your comment about it being that you cant see where you’re going next. I think one of the most under-rated skills in climbing is reading routes, so maybe try spending a bit more time before getting on the wall going through your sequence and what exactly you need to do once you get to/through the overhang. Alternatively, work on getting stronger. As you said, if this is part of not being fully recovered, then part of the fear might comes from feeling like you are not going to be able to make it all the way through the overhang, which then means you will fall which then makes you scared. So while you work on the fear of falling, maybe getting stronger will also give you the confidence to just go for things without worrying about falling off!

      Anyway, long comment is long! But hope some of this is helpful :)

  72. Jane of all trades*

    Let’s talk Whole Foods – this has been my absolute go to grocery store because they used to have amazing fresh fruit and vegetables and high quality food. Yes, very expensive, but very good quality, and with the hours I work I can only make 1 grocery trip a week.
    I have noticed a significant decline in quality since they were purchased by amazon, which I assume comes from cost cutting measures, most noticeable I have gotten a lot more produce that’s either bad or about to go bad.
    Anybody had the same experiences? Anybody in Manhattan get their fruits & veggies from a different place (I’m planning on doing farmers markets once they open in the spring)? Any inside info?
    (I totally know that this a first world problem, but with my crazy hours and living in Manhattan = no car, its not so easy to get groceries)

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Where in Manhattan are you? Is there a Fairway nearby? I used to have good luck there, and at the Garden of Eden on 23rd Street (is that still there? I moved away 3 years ago, and we all know how things change). When I moved to Harlem, I went to the Best Market on FDB and 118th, and I often found decent produce there.

      When I lived in Forest Hills, I went to a fantastic grocery store right around the corner from my apartment. One of the few things I missed when I moved into Manhattan!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m not sure if the Best Market you mention is the same chain we have in CT (I think it is). If so, then yes they have great produce. Great prices and great quality. If it’s not the same then just ignore this. :)

        1. Jane of all trades*

          lol, hopefully it is!! I looked it up and it does seem to be a small regional chain, so might be the same.

      2. Jane of all trades*

        Oh Best Market looks amazing! I’ll give that a shot. I’m probably halfway between there and Garden of Eden, so I might try that as well. Thanks for the recommendations!
        Yeah having a good grocery store w/in walking distance is amazing. I don’t have a Fairway nearby. There is a D’Agostino though – have you tried that?

        1. fruits and veggies*

          I have a D’Agostino’s near work and I find it ridiculously expensive, more even than WF.

    2. CAA*

      Interestingly, this problem with Whole Foods is widespread (my local store across the country from you is now terrible), but it was not caused by Amazon purchasing them. There are many food shortages and a lot of poor quality produce in Whole Foods all over the country.

      Google “whole foods new inventory system” for many articles detailing the problems. It started when the Whole Foods honchos decided to do something like “just in time” inventory management, which might be great on a manufacturing line but really doesn’t seem to work that well in grocery stores. Amazon bought the problem along with the stores and I hope they figure out how to fix it soon, because it’s really annoying for us customers.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Hmmm. Now that you mention it’s widespread, I just realized that the issue is the same at the store near me. I go to Whole Foods only when I need one particular item, or when I want to be inspired by the produce section to eat more veggies. I’ve noticed the last few times it hasn’t look so good and I found myself just wandering through with nothing catching my eye.

        1. Jane of all trades*

          I know right – it used to take a lot of discipline to not buy ALL OF THE VEGGIES at my Whole Foods, but recently they keep running out of broccoli, and the tomatoes, peppers, and berries I just bought all had rotten items hidden in the bag. Blergh

      2. Jane of all trades*

        Oh, interesting – maybe they just implemented the new inventory system around the time that amazon purchased them and now I’m just blaming amazon… ugh that is so frustrating though, hopefully they will find a way to fix it. High quality fresh fruit and veggies is where I splurge – I have no interest in paying Whole Foods prices for bad products..

        1. CAA*

          I know! They just started giving 5% back for Amazon Prime credit card holders, which I am. I would love to take advantage of this, but I just can’t find anything I want to buy there any more.

      3. Wendy Darling*

        Yeah my local Whole Foods’ produce section went directly to hell a while before Amazon bought them. I live very near one grocery store with a decent but unexciting produce department so I used to go to Whole Foods when I needed something less common or my nearby store was having a bad quality week… but then Whole Foods’ produce variety and quality both went off a cliff. Now I almost never go there unless I want something from their meat counter.

        1. Jane of all trades*

          Yup. I just googled it and it seems like not only has their quality gone down but they’ve also terminated a couple of local suppliers, which I also noticed to my disappointment. So now its just like any other random chain.

    3. fruits and veggies*

      I’m also in Manhattan and basically use Fresh Direct. In my experience it’s similar to WF in freshness and cost, and I’m not carrying things or waiting in lines, and I get to get it all at once which is really helpful in terms of organizing my cooking and making sure I have food when I get home late from work.

      1. Jane of all trades*

        Yes, good idea! I have tried them before and I may just start doing it regularly. Honestly I don’t love the idea of paying close to $10 for delivery and tips, but maybe I’ll just bite the bullet – I do love that they have sustainable seafood and you can buy like a fruit and veggie CSA box.
        Might do Fresh direct like every 3 weeks or so to stock up, and then just supplement from local farmers markets when they are back up.

    4. Effie, who is pondering*

      I like Trader Joe’s! There’s one on 23rd St and one on 14th St near Union Square.

      1. Jane of all trades*

        Do you like their produce? I used to go there years ago because I liked their prices. I don’t remember them having great produce, but maybe that’s just the one store (the one on 72nd St)
        Btw, I love your name’s evolution.

          1. Wendy Darling*

            I find Trader Joe’s produce is good 98% of the time and then 2% of the time it is terrible. Usually with big bags of stuff — I’ve bought bags of both apples and potatoes and had half or more of them be so badly bruised/going rotten that they were unusable. It’s not common but it happens occasionally, only with the stuff in bags that I can’t really check over. It mostly sticks out in my mind because I had to send someone on an emergency apple run on Thanksgiving day because I didn’t have enough edible apples to make a pie!

            Also this is super weird but the local Trader Joes are having a weird issue with their milk — half the time it’s fine but the other half of the time I buy it and it tastes a little odd when I open it and then goes totally sour within 2-3 days. And it’s not anything at my house because 1. it doesn’t happen with other stores’ milk and 2. it happened to my mom also. I’m REALLY curious what the issue is with the milk — my guess is there’s a refrigeration problem at some point in their supply chain.

            That said their quality is definitely more consistent than most of the other stores in my area — I think they beat everyone except the super-expensive local co-op, which I would love to shop at but cannot afford.

            1. Belle di Vedremo*

              Tell TJ’s about the milk issues! I told them about some not quite as frozen solid as they should be things, and it turned out their freezer sensors were blocked by ice from a leak. They fixed it, with multiple thanks to me, and it’s all better now.

            2. Jane of all Trades*

              Yes, the prepackaged stuff is where I noticed WF getting worse recently too.
              And yikes with the milk, there’s nothing worse than taking a big sip of coffee with sour milk in it. Definitely let them know!

        2. Wendy Darling*

          My local TJ’s usually has good quality but a limited selection, both for meat and produce. Also I don’t love that a lot of the produce items are packaged — it’s wasteful both in that I don’t need my carrots in a plastic bag and in that sometimes I want 2 carrots, not 12.

          Whole Foods was my go-to if I wanted something a little off the beaten path (rainbow chard, broccoli rabe, fancy mushrooms, romanesco…) but lately I have found them lacking. Unfortunately I don’t have a good solution other than that I do 99% of my veg buying at my local farmer’s market the six months of the year it runs.

          1. Jane of all Trades*

            Sounds like we’re in the same boat, all the stuff you listed sounds delish. I eat mostly veggies so I really liked the variety at Whole Foods, but I’m probably going to switch to the local farmers markets too. I did email Whole Foods last night about the decline in quality … will see what happens. It seems that there is also a local csa which uses part of their proceeds to supply veggies to people in food deserts close by, so I may give that a shot too.

    5. LilySparrow*

      When we lived there we did a CSA subscription, fantastic stuff but of course you get what you get.

      Don’t rule out your neighborhood bodegas. There was a market near us on 187th called Ahn’s, I believe. Really nice produce, great selection, some unusual/gourmet items – but it looked just like a regular bodega from the outside. Probably not worth traveling uptown for, but do check out your own corner, they may surprise you.

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Interesting! I may have to see what we have close by in terms of bodegas. Thanks for the tip!

    6. Elizabeth H.*

      I live in Boston area and haven’t noticed any drop in quality in Whole Foods. I also shop almost exclusively at Whole Foods because I have one a block away from me. I can’t remember if I’ve posited this theory here on Ask a Manager before, but I believe very very strongly that Whole Foods is actually cheaper on a lot of items than other stores, and that the perception that it’s an expensive grocery store is a myth based on the fact that they sell expensive products alongside the good values on quality products. It’s really tempting to buy prepared food, fancy beverages and trail mix, but if you buy bulk grains, peanut butter and frozen vegetables you will get way better quality for about the same price as comparable items elsewhere. What they don’t sell is cheap lower quality food (bread, processed foods, snacks) but I feel like if you’re interested in not just the minimum quality or are more interested in inner aisles products than ingredients products, you probably won’t find budget items at WF. But I always feel like the price is reasonable if you don’t impulse buy snacks or whatever. If you want to buy preprepared food or snacks, Whole Foods is definitely going to be EXTREMELY expensive. Trader Joe’s has amazing prices on prepared foods and snacks, ice cream, dairy, bread, chips etc but their produce is more or less universally terrible. The one exception is blueberries/strawberries and their frozen vegetables and fruits (although I think in most cases WF frozen fruits vegetables are better tasting and very similarly priced. TJ’s frozen mango is better for example)
      Clearly I could write an article about this…

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        I agree with you that you can shop there for reasonable prices, like you’d pay at Publix or some such, if you really watch what you buy – their store brand is generally more affordable, and for the other stuff they usually have a range of prices. Like you can buy the bottle of olive oil that costs $25, but they also have one for $7. My typical breakfast consists of oats, almond milk and frozen fruit which I buy at Whole Foods at prices similar to what they would cost in other stores. The only expensive part is if I throw in hemp seeds, but I think those would be costly anywhere. I get in trouble if I go food shopping on an empty stomach and then buy the pre-sliced fruit and veggies, or the cheese, or the sushi…

  73. The Other Dawn*

    I need some serious inspiration to cook more. I didn’t cook every night of the week to begin with, but this whole back pain thing is so distracting and makes me not want to do anything by the time I get home from work. So I’m hardly cooking at all now, and if I do it’s the usual steak, hot dogs or burgers, chicken on the grill and not all that much else. Cooking would mean I move more, rather than sitting around all night like I do now, which would actually alleviate the pain. But I just don’t feel inspired. I’m not one for cooking complicated meals, and although I would love to be more adventurous, my husband is pretty simple when it comes to food. I can get him to try some things, but he’s never going to eat Indian food, try vegan or vegetarian dishes, etc.

    Last year I tried making a plan to make one recipe per week from my small collection of cookbooks I never use, but it got derailed when I had surgery, then my dad died, then my brother died, and then all the work with settling dad’s estate and now the back problems. I’d like to try that again, but can’t seem to make myself do it.

    How do you get inspired to cook more?

    1. Helpful*

      I’m in the same boat. I’ve been checking out cookbooks at the library and cooking some recipes from them. The internet is a bit too overloading right now so the sample size of a few cookbooks is helping a lot.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I did that last year. I checked out cookbooks that I had thought about buying. I’m glad I did that because it turned out a few of them weren’t as good as I thought they’d be. It was a nice, free way of cooking something new and sampling cookbooks I might be interested in.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I don’t know how to get you more inspired to cook except to try out new, simple recipes for something. Or if you can meal plan on one day and then it’s all ready for you the rest of the week so you don’t even need to think about what you’re going to eat.

      I just made spaghetti carbonara! Really simple, easy, and filling (though I am slightly worried the egg didn’t cook over the hot noodles but I think it did).

      Can your husband cook some days to take the pressure off you? Even if he just makes spaghetti and opens a can of Ragu?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That’s probably all he can manage, other than burgers and hot dogs. I can have him help with prep that night or the night before and have him put it in the oven. I’ve had gastric bypass, so I don’t eat any pasta (I never cared about it anyway, really), but he eats it.

        I don’t even know if “inspired” was the right word. “Motivated” is probably a better word choice. I just don’t feel motivated to cook, but I also don’t want to live on things like yogurt and eggs. Not that they’re bad, but it gets old. And I’m not feeling motivated to eat right, which ties into the not wanting to cook. I don’t want to fall back into eating out all the time, which isn’t good for maintaining my weight loss (or my budget).

        1. Wendy Darling*

          Do you think a book of relatively quick, low-mess recipes would help? I cook as a hobby but I struggle with making meals on work nights, so I picked up a book called Sheet Pan Suppers that’s all recipes for complete (or nearly complete — just add bread or salad or pasta) meals you cook on a sheet pan in the oven.

          I also really like the NY Times cooking section, which someone else mentioned, and also Basically by Bon Appetit for quick and easy recipes. NYTimes has some recipes specifically marked easy also, and I find they’re quite fast.

          The other thing I do is make giant batches of freezable foods like stews or pasta sauces on the weekend so I can quickly defrost them on weekdays when I’m not feeling like cooking.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’ve heard (read?) a lot about sheet pan meals and have thought about trying that. I like the idea of throwing a bunch of stuff on a sheet pan and letting it bake.

            I used to do batch cooking, but I got away from it, just like everything else. Although I still keep up with making big batches of “Rice-a-Roni” in my Instant Pot. I Food Save and freeze it. Ever since I went through some rough financial times a couple year ago, I always make my own seasoned brown rice rather than buying the boxed stuff; it’s so much cheaper!

            1. Wendy Darling*

              I’m really loving Melissa Clark’s recipes lately, and she has an entire Instant Pot cookbook called Dinner In An Instant, if that’s something that might be up your alley. I haven’t tried it because I don’t have an Instant Pot (no room — I have a stovetop pressure cooker because it does double duty as a stockpot) but I’ve made a lot of her recipes and haven’t hit a bad one yet. (Maybe if you pick it up you can tell me how you like it, because I bet I can adapt the recipes to my stovetop cooker pretty easily!)

              I find that most pressure cooker recipes freeze really well, since they’re not all about the crisp textures or anything, and making a huge batch isn’t much more work than making a tiny one. My other favorite trick gleaned from Serious Eats is to freeze soups and sauces in plastic ziplock bags laid flat on a tray because then you can defrost them REALLY fast.

              Do you know anyone else who’s into batch cooking? My mom and I sometimes make big batches of some recipe and then trade half, so we get more variety.

              I don’t know how much help I’m being re: inspiration because cooking is one of my favorite hobbies, but I hope maybe some of that helps?

              2. The Other Dawn*

                Yes it helps. Thank you!

                I have The Big Pressure Cooker Book. Every recipe has a version for the stovetop pressure cooker and one for the Instant Pot, which is really useful. The recipes range from easy to more advanced with multiple steps. I’ve had some good meals from it.

    3. Jane of all trades*

      I use the NY Times recipes. They have a huge database, and when I see something that looks interesting I just save it on the website, and then when I’m planning my meals I can go back to “my recipes” and have them all for inspiration.
      If you haven’t cooked in a while, maybe start off with recipes that are similar to a food you have already cooked, so its not as intimidating? I think that simple recipes can be amazing – I think salmon is a very easy fish to start with, especially if you put it in the oven. It doesn’t need much – either very finely sliced lemon on top, or a little dill, or even sliced tomatoes topped with parmesan and ground pepper. And as sides whatever you are most comfortable – maybe some potatoes, and some green beans, or a salad? You could also start by making pastas, and transitioning from store bought sauces to home-made ones, which can be very easy, and there are tons of recipes out there.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m thinking I need to bring out the Instant Pot for awhile. I was using it quite a bit last year before the sh!t hit the fan last March, and I loved it. I have a cookbook specifically for it, actually. I make big batches of my own seasoned rice (think Rice-a-Roni style), Food Save it and then freeze it. I have so many different grains that I haven’t used up, and I can put those in the Instant Pot. (I seem to have an issue with over stocking my cabinets and then…letting it all sit there.)

        1. Jane of all trades*

          That sounds awesome – seasoned rice is great! I feel you on the big batches – I first started cooking again when I needed to save money, so I would cook a week’s worth of food and freeze a bunch. Some of it was amazing, some was terrible, and some tasted great when fresh and was the worst when I tried to defrost it, but I definitely picked up a lot of confidence and cooking skills over the last few years by doing that.
          Sadly there is a big batch of polenta with roasted root vegetables still sitting in the freezer, because that stuff is disgusting once you freeze it…..
          Try some recipes and report back next week? I’m always interested to hear what other people are cooking!

    4. CAA*

      Join a cookbook club on Facebook. I joined the Food52 club, and just seeing what other people are doing has been motivating. I have been checking out the cookbooks from the library (as ebooks), and it’s worked out really well.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Do you know of one that uses simple cookbooks? Meaning it contains dishes that aren’t overly complicated and need a lot of one-time use ingredients?

        I joined one last year and then left the group after a few months. I found each chosen book to be quite adventurous (not a bad thing for me, but bad for hubby) with overly complicated meals or meals that needed a bunch of hard-to-find or one-time use ingredients.

        1. CAA*

          I’m only in the Food52 clubs, and I don’t really know what else is out there. This month we are doing Smitten Kitchen Every Day, which is a very accessible book. She is cooking for a family with kids, so you will find things like “Corn, Bacon and Arugula Pizza” or “Caramelized Cabbage Risotto”, which are creative, but not exotic — by which I mean that I already have all the pantry ingredients and can easily find all the fresh ones at my local chain grocery. I think most, if not all, of the recipes are on the Smitten Kitchen blog, so you could check them out and see how you like them.

          All year, we are also using Six Seasons as an extra book, so if you don’t like the chosen book one month, or if you can’t find it, that’s an option. I do find these recipes to be a bit more elaborate and more likely to use the one-off ingredients.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I just checked and it turns out Food52 is the one I joined last year and then decided it wasn’t for me. I guess I must have joined at a time when they were choosing the more elaborate books. Perhaps I’ll give it another try.

    5. Jane of all trades*

      I also think that salads can taste amazing and be very simple to make – you could start supplementing your usual with an interesting salad – I sometimes use Pinterest for my salad inspiration. I particularly love arugula with fruit, nuts and crumbled goat cheese – peaches, strawberries or pears taste amazing. Add a little vinaigrette, and viola!

    6. Reba*

      Browsing Smitten Kitchen.

      The things that got me into cooking were 1) move to a very expensive area so can no longer afford to eat out ;) and 2) signing up for a CSA. This might be an option for you in the spring, and they are not usually the dreaded “get three bushels of cauliflower at once” anymore–lots of farms put their wares together and make more balanced baskets. Anyway, that food is coming so ya better cook it!

      The cookbook I love to recommend for comprehensive, no-fuss cooking is Mark Bittman’s Everything series.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I thought about doing a CSA last year, but decided to wait and see what all my coworkers got. It was done through my company and it was the first year, so I let them be the guinea pigs. Plus I had no idea how much a half share would be and what kinds of things they’d get. A lot of people complained that they didn’t get as good a quality as other CSAs they’ve done, or they got way too much of the same thing several weeks in a row. I’d say there were about four weeks in a row where someone left kale, Swiss chard and monster-sized scallions in the cafeteria. Worked out good for me because I got some free veggies I wouldn’t ordinarily buy. And I quickly realized i would never use up all those veggies in a week; it’s just me and my husband.

        1. Reba*

          Ha! Well, if you can find one that does the right amount for two people, it could be good. You may not have the time right now to really research all of them, but I will just say, a true two-person share exists! We’ve gotten them in two places we’ve lived. One of them was the most rewarding food experience of my life.

          When the farmers’ markets start back up again you could try approaching them in somewhat the same way as the CSA. Commit to buying something there, or spending X there, pick something that is in season and looks good, and challenge yourself to build the dish or meal around it. Actually you could do the same in your grocery store.

        2. Reba*

          Oh, is a meal kit delivery service in the budget for you? Might be something to try for a few weeks (I don’t know anyone who has tried them and really kept it up longterm). Just to get some exposure to different recipes and methods, and easily get out of your rut.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’ve thought about meal kits. I like the idea of everything coming in one box, pre-portioned. They’d be great for me, but most of the meals are not something my husband would eat. Although some of them I could probably modify a bit for him. He’s a somewhat picky eater, although not nearly as bad as a friend of mine.

            I’m thinking a farmer’s market would be good since I could buy only the amount I want. I eat veggies, but my husband is pickier when it comes to that. (He’s better than the friend I mentioned above, though. She eats lettuce, cucumbers, corn and asparagus. I think she may eat carrots, but that’s about it.)

        3. Fellow Traveller*

          If it is available in your area and you think a CSA type thing would encourage you to cook, I highly recommend Hungry Harvest. It is like a CSA, but their produce is stuff that would be otherwise thrown out because it was over produced or deemed aesthetically flawed. The things that I really like – they have several sizes of boxes to choose from, you can add things or customize your box for a small fee, they will email you a couple days before delivery with the list of what will be in your box (which allows me to really meal plan), and you can put a couple things on your “never send me” list, and you can stop your subscription anytime.
          It really encouraged me to explore new recipes incorporate more vegetables into my diet. I will say, though, as with any CSA, you have to be flexible and willing to try new things.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m a big fan of the budget bytes website. There are lots of different styles of cooking, she’s developing more Instant Pot recipes, the majority of recipes are healthy (some are more comfort-food), and the costs are all reasonable. She has lots of one-pot meals, which are super easy (I especially love her grown-up hamburger helper — can’t remember what it’s actually called, but it’s delicious). I also like damn delicious, which has lots of sheet pan recipes, lots of copycat recipes (like, copycat PF Chang’s lettuce wraps), and is getting more IP recipes. Epicurious has some good recipes, especially quick and easy versions of things (like quick general tso’s chicken), and as others have suggested, the New York Times.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I like Budget Bytes. I’ve made a few recipes, mostly her baked oatmeal. Maybe I’ll delve back in to see what she has. I think she has a lot of pasta dishes, which I can make for my husband. I’ll have to see if there are easy dishes that don’t use pasta since I don’t eat it.

    8. Lissa*

      Do you like things like chili or other “one pot” meals? If so I really recommend it! Super modifiable, not too “weird” for your husband but you could add in things to make it more interesting, and not too complicated. I just made white bean and turkey chili tonight, spicy the way I like it, and it wasn’t too difficult and was a big hit. Also try “wonderpot” which is basically pasta cooked with everything else in a single pot. Tasty and easy.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That chili sounds amazing! Yes, we like one-pot meals. I’ve made some good ones over the years, but I feel like I can’t even muster the motivation for something that simple. But I have an Instant Pot and two crock pots, so I’m prepared when motivation strikes!

        1. Lissa*

          I’ve been thinking of getting an Instant Pot! I’ve been cooking much less due to long days at work and might be nice to have some of my favourite meals faster…. first we need a bigger kitchen though.

    9. the gold digger*

      I’m in a few facebook cooking groups – it’s fun! They pick a cookbook for the month and people try recipes and post about whether they are good or not.

      Look for
      food52cookbookclub/
      food52bakingclub/
      saveurcookbookclub/

    10. Canuckian*

      Does it help at all to set a goal of trying a new recipe once a week/x number of times a month? I’ve been trying that over the winter and found that it helpful. Since I live alone, I tend to eat the leftovers for a few days after, so it helps out w not being inspired/energized later on in the week.

      I’ve also found it helpful to go through my cookbooks on a non-cooking day and mark any new recipes I wanted, so I’m not hunting around at 5 for one.

  74. Cristina in England*

    Random life hack for getting kids out the door in the morning: keep a set of everyone’s toothbrushes in the kitchen or downstairs bathroom if you have one. Once they come downstairs they stay there until it is time to leave. No going back up.

    2. Mrs. Fenris*

      When mine were little, we had a rack with hooks at kid-height near the back door. Backpacks had to be hanging on it with everything in it before bed.

    3. Epsilon Delta*

      I have an alarm on my phone, set to go off 15 minutes before we need to leave. The rule is that everything needs to be done by the time that alarm goes off (brushing teeth/combing hair/getting dressed/backpack packed), but if it isn’t done for some reason it needs to happen NOW. It’s worked really well for us.

  75. Junior Dev*

    Cleaning thread!

    I had to unclog my toilet and I decided after that I might as well scrub the bathroom floor and the bathtub too.

    I have some laundry going and I need to sort and put away the old laundry. I’m feeling really tired now though.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I came home from work yesterday and decided to clean my poor neglected bathroom. I even used Bar Keeper’s Friend on the shower doors. Then this morning I tried out my new telescoping lambswool duster, then I vacuumed. When this migraine hit, I was SO happy I got those urges when I did.

    2. Merci Dee*

      I usually do my laundry on Saturday morning, and it typically takes 4 hours since I have 3 loads. But I came home from work an hour early yesterday due to a post office run, and still had some energy since it was a low-key day. So I got all that washed and put away last night. I loved having my whole Saturday to do whatever! It was great.

    3. Emily*

      I’m moving sometime in the next few months (ugh, apartment searching is stressful), so I’m trying to declutter. Today I got rid of some old clothes (threw some hole-y socks in the trash and made a donation bag for some shirts that are in okay condition) and threw away a few knick-knacks that I don’t really want.

    5. KR*

      I need to do cleaning today. We need to fold and put away loads and loads of laundry, vaccum, dust the living room, clean the litter box, and a myriad of other random tasks. Thanks for the inspiration.

    1. Banana Hammock*

      Best- gorgeous day in austin texas! Sunny and 85 degrees

      Worst- lazy dick neighbor didn’t put his trash bin out 2 weeks in a row. It’s overflowing and he’s dumped 4 bags in our bins (including one bag the night before trash came- so instead of rolling out the bin to the curb he dumped the bag in ours!). Now we have to have an awkward talk with him…

    2. nep*

      Worst: Back pain and still unsustainable living situation
      Best: Things could be a lot worse.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Best: daughter’s early onset scoliosis seems to have stabilized and even corrected a bit. Hurray! No brace needed for now.

      Worst: I’m nervous about a court hearing next week where I am representing myself. The other side has a lawyer and they’ve been playing all kinds of games that I don’t think they’d risk with another lawyer. I don’t have a lawyer because this isn’t big enough for anyone to take on contingency. I get anxious about public speaking and worry that I’ll be tongue-tied.

      1. Bibliovore*

        A few helpful words for speaking when extremely anxious.
        Take deep breaths. Count backwards from ten.
        Have notes in bullet points in a large font with lots of white space.
        Anticipate the questions and practice the answers.
        Speak slowly.
        Speak deliberately.
        No need to respond with more than a yes or no.
        Feel free to say, can you phrase that another way or I don’t understand your question.
        Respond with calm.

    4. Temperance*

      Best: Jessica Jones!
      Worst: My mother just can’t stop showing her ass at every opportunity.

    6. Caledonia*

      Best: I actually attended not one but two meet ups this week, rather than just saying I would go and talking myself out of it. And I really enjoyed them!

      Worst: feedback time at work. It’s no fun.

  77. Dieter*

    Last summer, I had a really stressful, terrible job, and I gained 15lbs as a side effect.

    I thought that when I stopped working there, I’d go back to normal, but it’s been a few months, and that hasn’t happened, despite eating generally very healthy.

    For a few weeks, I upped my workout routine… spending a lot of time at the gym, lifting heavy, and biking for 2 hours at a time. But I wasn’t dieting.

    Then, several days ago, I decided to lower my calorie intake. I feel confident that I’ll lose the fat that I gained, but my workouts have been terrible. I can’t do half the exercises I was doing when I wasn’t watching my caloric intake. I’m so tired all the time. After work, all I want to do is take a nap, wake up for a couple hours to watch Netflix, then go back to sleep.

    I feel like my quality of life has suffered because of this diet, because I hardly want to do ANYTHING.

    I’ve started to wonder if dieting is even worth it, but then I think about how uncomfortable I feel at this weight I’m at now. I don’t even feel like myself, honestly.

    My question is… will the lethargy pass soon? I considered just going back to the intense workouts, eating more, and not dieting, but I have a feeling I’ll regret it in a few months.

    1. Horizons*

      What are you eating? When I want to lose weight, I cut carbs and up veggies and protein, and I find my energy levels are good. But I tend to stress eat sugar and carbs.

    2. AdAgencyChick*

      Dieting sucks. It just sucks. You can make it suck less but…it still sucks.

      The only program I’ve had real success with was Renaissance Periodization — I didn’t pay the beaucoup bucks for their very specific templates, just used their guide for women (which is like 30 bucks, I think the templates are more like four times that) to rough out my goals for overall calories and for each macronutrient. I lost 13 lbs and was able to keep CrossFitting through the whole thing.

      But it’s still no fun, because you have to weigh and measure everything (or have a VERY good idea of visual estimates), and it’s much lower-fat eating than I was used to. :/

      1. Dieter*

        Thanks. I haven’t heard of that diet before.

        Did you ever feel unsafe or anything doing crossfit while dieting? Like, it seems like it takes a lot of energy to keep yourself safe when doing those sorts of intense exercises.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Are you getting enough protein?
      How’s your water intake, did you stop drinking water when you stopped exercising?

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      What if you were to track your calories but not have a calorie deficit? take your level of activity into account and eat to maintain for a month or so. Then try a small deficit and see how that feels. My thinking is that when you exercise and eat normally without tracking you may be unknowingly eating extra calories. Also, most apps, like my fitness pal, set their calories recommendations too low. You’re better off using one of the more scientific calculators. I’ll try and remember to post a link tomorrow when I’m not on my phone. I know the weight went on pretty quickly, but you’re better off taking it slow when trying to lose. Think more in terms of sustainable habits than drastic levels of exercise.

    6. Sylvan*

      There is already good advice here, but: How much did you lower your caloric intake? You could go with a smaller calorie deficit, lose weight a little more slowly and easily, and feel much better. That would be easier to maintain, too.

    7. Thlayli*

      It sounds like you are just reducing carbs, not following a healthy diet plan.

      If you want an actual healthy plan for both exercise and diet, google operation transformation – it’s got recipes for a healthy balanced diet. No fads, just healthy tasty food in healthy portions, and an exercise program. It’s a 10 week program I think and you can pick from 5 plans to follow.

      1. Thlayli*

        And it’s completely free btw – all online recipes and videos and you don’t have to sign up to watch – but if you want to sign up there is an app for that.

    8. Little bean*

      My partner is on a weight loss diet recommended by his athletic trainer, and it actually includes a lot of carbs, because they are energy for the workouts. It’s all carbs, veggies and protein. No sugar. Its working for him.

  78. Lcsa99*

    Anyone care to share home remedies? There are a ton out there, and most don’t work, but the ones that do are gold.

    My favorite: tea bags for burns. We use it specifically for sunburn, but it works for any burns. Just steap some tea like you would for a cup of tea, let it cool completely (we tend to use ice to make it faster) then gently rub the wet tea bag over the burned area. If the burn is bad enough you might have to repeat a couple times, but since we’ve discovered this, we haven’t had to suffer through burns for longer than it takes to make some tea. We’ve always used mint tea, but I assume any tea would work.

    So what are your favorite go to remedies?

    1. Red*

      Hey, that works for healing piercings, too! It’s amazing!

      My favorite is microwaving lemon juice for a minute and then wiping the hot steam out of the microwave with a paper towel. Haven’t had to put any elbow grease into that task in years.

    2. Effie, who is pondering*

      Another burn remedy: room temp water. If you burn yourself (ie while cooking), do this ASAP: grab an unbreakable cup/bowl/container depending on where you were burned, fill it with lukewarm water, and plunge your burned extremity in. Keep it there until you’re so bored you want to scream. :)

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        I have used honey on burns, it’s very soothing and seems to heal faster.

        For bee/wasp stings, mix water with baking soda until you have a thick paste. Spread on the sting area. It will harden and if there is a stinger it should pull the stinger out too.

        Spoonful of honey and/or tea with honey for sore throats and dry coughs. My kid hates tea but hates cough medicine more so she drinks the tea, and it seems to work better too. And she loves the spoonful of honey.

    3. Reba*

      The only things that work for me as far as health stuff are black tea with lemon and honey for sore throats, and steaming the heck out of one’s face for congestion. Oh, and ginger ale for upset stomach — though that one is at least partly psychological, as it’s what my grandmother always gave me if she was taking care of me while I was “feeling puny.”

    4. Kuododi*

      I mentioned in an earlier thread that toothpaste on an acne blemish before bedtime will usually clear the spot by morning. I don’t know if it will work out for the major cystic acne but it is a big help for the low grade nuisance acne. ( Grandma’s old fashioned remedy)

    5. HannahS*

      The fart position.

      If you’re feeling bloated, lie on your back, pull your knees up to your chest, and rock (not side-to-side; the other way). The farts just come shootin’ right out of ya.

  79. Out of Tissues*

    Negative post to follow (sorry). I don’t really have anybody I can talk to about this.

    I think I’ve come to a decision that I want to break up with my partner, who I believe has an undiagnosed personality disorder. They are a very typical Cluster B personality.

    One day is perfectly ideal and the next is hell on earth. I am walking on eggshells constantly, terrified to say the wrong thing in case it causes an explosion. In the past I have had to physically restrain them to stop them destroying our home during a fit of rage. I have been screamed at, lied to, deceived, and called names. There have been holes punched in walls and doors that were slammed so hard they don’t work any more. I used to argue back, but now I’m so defeated that all I’m able to do is burst into tears. When it’s all over, they apologise and promise it won’t happen again, but it always does.

    We’ve been together for a few years and we live together in a rented place that is registered in my name. I’m scared of sitting down and having the “this isn’t working, I’m moving out” conversation because of what might happen. I don’t want them to destroy the home I am responsible for. I do have family I can live with if circumstances change.
    I’m scared to end things in case they harm themselves. Nobody knows what goes on behind our closed door and I try my best to keep up appearances.

    Right now I’m fearful, anxious, and terrified of what is possibly next to come. I’m sorry if this post is all over the place. I’m feeling pretty out of sorts right now. I could do with any advice, solidarity or virtual hugs you may be able to offer. Thank you for listening.

    1. Temperance*

      Out of Tissues, I highly recommend checking out the BPDLoveOnes subreddit. There are many people there who’ve been through what you are going through, and who can give you some advice.

      One suggestion from me: it sounds like your partner is abusive, and you can actually get them evicted from your place if a restraining order is granted. This will save you financially, since it sounds like they’re a destructive person.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Also, depending on where you live, if you’re escaping an abusive relationship you may be able to break your lease without penalty. We just passed that law here (I’m in Canada).

      2. Out of Tissues*

        Thank you, Temperance. I’m familiar with that subreddit and it helped me to realise that I’m definitely dealing with a uBPD. Almost every post on there I can relate to.

        At the moment I’m trying to work out what would work best in terms of who moves out. I’m quite happy to go and leave them here, but it’s just how to go about letting the housing agency know and transferring all the bills. I’ll write some things down when I have some privacy.

    3. nep*

      Glad you shared this. I really would like to hug you right now. Endless virtual hugs.
      So sorry you’re having to deal with this.
      Could someone be somewhere in the house — or waiting just outside — when you have that conversation? Or could you have the conversation at a ‘neutral’ place?
      I hope to goodness something will happen to make this transition the least painful and stressful as possible for you.
      Glad you have family you could live with if need be.
      Please keep us posted.

    4. Update on he wants a baby*

      I finished a divorce last November from someone who seemed very narcissistic. No official diagnosis, but a lot of signs were there. I am sorry for what your are going through.

      The first point I’m going to make is that you are not responsible for whether they harm themselves when you end the relationship. You need to take care of yourself. YOU are your only responsibility.

      Second, I got a bunch of advice, depending on how likely I thought he was to become violent. At the low end, it was tell him in the house with shoes on and car keys in pocket for a quick getaway if needed. At the high end, it was tell him in a neutral place with a witness. In both cases, have somewhere else to stay. In your case, how much longer is the lease? It’s only your name on the lease, but he’s been living there, which might give him some right of access if you want him to move out. Talk to a lawyer about whether you can lock him out if you want/need to.

      I gradually moved enough stuff to live on and the things that were most precious to me out of our house and into a friend’s house. Little enough that he wouldn’t miss it, but enough that I could dress for a week if I never got anything else out of the house. It was a fine line for some of the keepsakes because their absence would have been noticed. Those went in the car at the last minute. I thought the odds of actual violence were low enough that I went with tell him with shoes and and car keys in pocket, not letting him get between me and the door. I got a PO Box so I could change my mailing address. The only problem is that the USPS sends confirmation of change of address to both addresses, so I had to time things carefully, otherwise that would have been a give away. He’s not as violent and destructive as yours sounds, though.

      Of course, this is all if Temperance’s suggestion about restraining order and eviction doesn’t work out. This is terrible and stressful and has to be done. You can do it. Find a therapist. That, this community, and my family got me through. *hugs* and more tissues.

    5. Faintlymacabre*

      So sorry. I left a partner who was very difficult, and it was hard. But also worth it. Captain Awkward has loads and loads of good advice. Good luck, and all my best.

    6. Sparrow*

      All of the solidarity and virtual hugs to you, Out Of Tissues.
      You deserve a life and a home where you are not constantly afraid.
      Please take care for your safety. If want help making a plan to leave, or just someone to listen, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in the US, or chat online at www dot thehotline dot org.
      I’m thinking of you. <3

    7. Thlayli*

      Contact a domestic abuse helpline, they have lots of experience and can help you plan your escape in a way that protects you and your interests.

      It might be possible for example for you to work with the landlord on getting locks changed and leaving all his stuff someplace he can pick it up, while you pack up and leave elsewhere. You may have to forfeit some rent money but hopefully you won’t get sued.

      Contact the experts, tell them you have made the decision to leave and you want to plan it properly to protect yourself and your finances.

      1. Thlayli*

        Just realised I assumed your partner was a he – sorry. Force of habit. Punching holes in walls can also be done by women.

        Also, don’t let the “I’ll hurt myself if you leave” BS manipulate you into staying. This is one of the most common abuse tactics. If they choose to hurt themselves that’s on them not you.

        1. London Calling*

          Second that. You might well get ‘I’m sorry, I love you/you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me/you’re my world/I’ll change/you’ll break me if you leave’ type pleas.

    8. Out of Tissues*

      Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful responses. It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not overreacting (as my OH always says). I didn’t say the word ‘abuse’ in my OP, but the fact most of you have used it in your replies speaks volumes.

      I will try to find a charity I can contact via email here in the UK who may be able to help. I’m thinking that I will leave our home and let them stay here. It’s also daunting knowing I’ll have to ask my family if I can move back in with them.

      There is lots to think about and I’ll report back when I can. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I’ve had amazing support from my local women’s aid.
        Good luck. Rooting for you.

  80. SL #2*

    I’m taking my parents to London and Copenhagen in May, so I wouldn’t mind crowd-sourcing some recommendations from you folks! My parents are in their early 60s and relatively mobile; my mom has some knee trouble, so no intensive hiking or biking for her, but as long as we can stop somewhere and rest for 20 mins or so once or twice through the day, she’s okay.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      There’s a beautiful pedestrian-only shopping street in Copenhagen. The rundetarn (sp? The big round tower) is nearby and it’s pretty neat. There is also a boat tour you can do that hits all the highlights, I think it’s about 45 minutes. If you have access to a vehicle and if you’re interested in literature/history, Helsingør Castle (Elsinore in English – aka Hamlet’s castle) is about 40km away from Copenhagen. There’s some interesting mythology associated with it too. Have fun!

      2. Jojobean*

        Strøget is the walking street and definitely a must-see. Seconding Helsingør as well, and there are also trains from Copenhagen you can take to avoid having to drive. Nyhavn (pronounced ‘new-houne’ – like in ‘house’) is the street along a canal with the super-picturesque colorfully painted row houses that you see in all the postcards and always a fun place to go for a stroll, especially in the sun.

        And since everyone there speaks excellent English, it makes getting around so much easier than a lot of places, so don’t be afraid to ask questions!

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Bring rain gear – even in May it can rain a bit here in London, but that can also be true of Copenhagen as well. Waterproof coat and umbrellas would be the most helpful!

      I haven’t been to Copenhagen in years, but its very flat and walkable, just be aware of the bike paths as people WILL plow you over – treat it as another road and look both ways. They don’t really do sedate cycling there! The harbor area (havn) with the multicolored buildings, the famous photo, take the picture but eat/drink somewhere else as it can be extremely pricey down there. Second the suggestion of a boat tour, and seeing the castles around town are pretty neat as well. I seem to remember the botanical gardens being quite cool, and Tivoli is worth walking around just to see.

      For London – anything you could want to ever see, do, eat, listen to is here! But if you are going to do the big tourist sights (e.g. Tower) GO EARLY. As in, when they first open early (trust me, this is particularly true of the Tower). Without knowing further interests/specifics I would also suggest just wandering off into back streets and looking around. There are maps all over the place these days, so its hard to get lost. Pace yourself and try not to cram too many sights into one day OR try and group a few into one spot and avoid criss crossing town. Download Citymapper app and that will help tell you what bus to take, etc. I love taking the bus, you can see so much more! I would also suggest taking the TfL river boat at least once to your destination – I think you can take it all the way to Hampton Court Palace if you want another type of day trip out of the city.

      Good places to try all sorts of “street food”: Borough Market (try the italian sandwiches at Gastronomica, next to the Brindisa shop), the food market behind Southbank Centre (lots of places to sit and eat and people watch), Spitalfields (to the east), or Greenwich.

      1. London Calling*

        *I would also suggest taking the TfL river boat at least once to your destination – I think you can take it all the way to Hampton Court Palace if you want another type of day trip out of the city.*

        If you decide to do that trip check the times – depending on the tide a trip to Hampton Court from central London can take over three hours to get there.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I recommend the Copenhagen city pass. Gets you into most attractions including a boat ride on the canal and let’s you use public transit.

      We particularly liked the canal tour, the Rosenberg castle and walking through Trivoli the oldest amusement park. Might be a couple sets of stairs for Rosenberg but otherwise everything is very accessible.

    5. Nana*

      Both cities have a Hop-on Hop-off Bus … and London has a Hop-on Hop-off Boat (to Greenwhich, I think). Great fun, very educational (excellent guides on all), and a good way to rest. Not cheap, but well worth it (I think ticket is good for 24 hours)

  81. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m a little annoyed. I had to pick up some groceries, so I ran into the store while my husband waited outside. I got a few things and checked out. When I went to leave, they wouldn’t let me leave the store. Apparently, getting in line at the customer service desk and then leaving via the door closest to the service area after you check out is “suspicious.” I felt like telling them, instead of treating me like a criminal, maybe you should staff the service desk appropriately instead of having one person on duty on a busy Saturday. The only reason I went to customer service after I checked out is because when I came in, I stood in the line for 10+ minutes, but someone was holding it up with a Western Union or bill pay issue (and there was only one clerk, so she couldn’t help anyone else), so I did my shopping first and then went back later.

    1. Rogue*

      Here’s a good similar story for you. I was at Walmart, went through self check out, scanned everything, including items I wasn’t bagging like toilet paper and papertowels, and then paid for my items. As I was leaving the self check out area, a Walmart employee stopped me, reached down and grabbed my paper towels while asking “Did you not want these?” I was so confused and said “Of course I want them, that’s why I just bought them.” The rep proceeded to tell me that he did not see me scan them and they weren’t showing on my order on his screen. I explained, I had and have my receipt to prove it. The rep told me I needed to show him, to which I explained I’ve no idea what they scan as, he as the ability to check and since he was questioning it, he should be the one to locate the item on my receipt and handed him my receipt. Surprise, surprise, my papertowels were on the receipt! His response to me was simply oh yeah there they are. I told him that he really owed me an apology for accusing me of stealing. He told me he didn’t do that – to which I explained that’s exactly what he did and again, repeated he owed me an apology. This Walmart employees response? “Whatever.” This resulted in me having a conversation with his manager, who apologized profusely. If I didn’t have frozen food that was already thawing due to the whole hole up, I would have demanded they get him and make him apologize to me, not only for the accusation but the horrible attitude I got.

      1. J C Books*

        I have a friend who realized suddenly in Target that she got her period. She grabbed the necessary feminine supplies. Paid then took the little bag and headed to restroom. She was stopped and told no bags are allowed in restroom. She responded that she was having a personal emergency. The male security person radioed for help! A female security person came hurrying over. After a back and forth problem solving conversation between the security people, my friend was “allowed’ to take her merchandise into the restroom!! Ridiculous!!

        1. Peggy*

          That’s so stupid, you’re allowed to take PURCHASED merchandise into the bathroom at Target. You just can’t take a cart or basket in with you. I’ve purchased tampons and walked into the bathroom with them, makeup, once a nice shirt because mine got a stain on it at work and I had somewhere to be for dinner and didn’t have time to go home. Of COURSE you can buy something and take it into the bathroom with you. I’d LOSE MY MIND on a security man who stopped me from putting in a tampon that I bought and paid for. I’d make the biggest fuss, it’d end up on the news.

    2. Natalie*

      That is really obnoxious of them. For whatever it’s worth, if something like that ever happens again you can just leave. Generally speaking, a random store employee isn’t allowed to physically keep you there. So just go!

      Some years ago I stopped waiting if the store alarm goes off. I know I didn’t steal, and their loss prevention strategy isn’t actually my job. It’s remarkably freeing.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        That’s what I said! That they can certainly ask to see my receipt, but I can say “no thank you” and leave without showing it. The guy literally would not let me out of the store. What makes me mad is that they didn’t tell me that leaving through a different door is “suspicious” when they stopped me. I thought they were just doing regular receipt checks. It wasn’t until I called corporate to explain why I returned my entire order AND will no longer be buying $80-100 a month worth of gasoline there that I found out about the door thing. The lady from corporate called the store manager, and he told her that I left the store and came back. I said he was mistaken–I never left the store. I paid, walked down to the service desk, cashed in a scratch-off ticket that someone had given me in a Christmas card, and then went out the door closest to the service desk. If the guy would have just said, hey, you went out this door instead of this door, can I see your receipt, I probably would have just showed it to him.

    1. nep*

      In my mid- to late 20s I said ‘by the time I’m 30 I’ll be in Africa or have a plan in place to go there.’
      I visited one African country a few months before my 30th (with a friend from there), and left for Peace Corps duty in a nearby country a few months after.
      I was initially rejected for medical reasons but I appealed two decisions on that (which took considerable time and energy), and eventually received clearance. It never felt as if I was forcing something that was not meant to be; it always just felt like these were just little hiccups along the way that I had to move through.
      Ended up spending the better part of 15 years on the continent.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Wow! That’s amazing, all the more so for your persistence in appealing the medical rejections.

    2. Thursday Next*

      When I graduated from college, I was living with my parents, working part-time at a regional daily newspaper. I got a FT job offer from a weekly newspaper, which my mom wanted me to take because FULL TIME. She couldn’t deal with discomfort or plan strategically for a desired future. I declined the offer, in part because the pay would have meant living at home permanently, and because I liked the pace and scope of the daily paper. Within a few months, the daily offered me a FT position, I had health insurance, and I could move out of my parents’ house.

      It was important for me because it was a decision I made that worked out far better than what my mother would have chosen, and it taught me to trust my judgment.

    3. Thlayli*

      Pretty much my whole life. The trick is to identify the steps it takes to get from here to there, and then work hard.

      “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?”
      “Practice!”

      1. nep*

        YES.
        How to get better at something? Keep doing the thing.
        Hard work and consistency — no substitute.

    4. HannahS*

      I always wanted to be a doctor. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness at 18 (which is very young for the particular stuff I have) and was awfully disabled by it at the time. Both my rheumatologist and my fam doc* made it clear that medicine was no longer an option. One of my parents is a doctor who went through medicine with a chronic illness, as was my grandfather (I know, we’re not a well family!). So we knew that at least it was possible, and my parents told me that if I still wanted medicine, they’d support me as best they could. It took years longer to finish my degree and get in to medical school than my peers, but I did it! And despite the fact that this particular week went poorly, I’m actually delighted to be here.

      *My family doc implied this as gently as she could, after a year had gone by and I wasn’t doing much better. My rheumatologist spat it out about three minutes after handing me a diagnosis and through the times that I saw him continued to talk about how hard it is for anyone to get in to medical school. I stopped seeing him a few years ago, preferring my family doc, and my mom recently said that she thinks my rheumatologist’s comments might have been, uh, influenced by the fact that his son–who had an excellent average, as we were told–was struggling to get in.

  83. Anon for this one*

    This is about gender identity confusion.

    I was assigned female at birth. I spent a good part of my childhood thinking I should have been a boy and wishing for some way to get there. I had no idea about transgender, transitioning, or anything else helpful or relevant. Starting in mid-high school or so, I made my peace with being a woman. Sometimes I was happy about it and sometimes it seemed like settling for the only available choice. As an aside, I was pretty sheltered. I was and still am bisexual, but spent all of high school and some of college thinking being attracted to both genders was how everyone was and you just didn’t talk about people of your own gender.

    Fast forward several decades of not really thinking about my gender identity, even when I did learn about transgender. Once in a very long while I wondered if it applied to me, but moved right on past that thought. Last weekend I was signing up for a race and saw something I hadn’t seen in any previous race registration. The choices for gender were male, female, and other. As soon as I saw “other,” I thought, “That’s me, finally available.” And then I heard what I had thought, but didn’t really feel like it was wrong.

    I don’t know quite what I’m looking for posting here, but hope some of you have some thoughts, because my own are in such a jumble.

    1. Thursday Next*

      It’s womderful to have a moment of validation, to feel like finally the person you are to yourself has a place outside yourself. This internet stranger is happy for you.

    2. Sylvan*

      Nothing to add, really, but I have weird gender identity issues, too. I am mostly fine with being seen as a woman but sometimes I wish I could opt out (for reasons that aren’t avoiding misogyny).

      I also spent my childhood wishing I was a boy. I’ve never felt that I fit in with other girls/women, but I wonder how many other women feel that way.

      Sometimes these things are weird. Good on you for thinking it through and looking for what you relate to.

      1. Temperance*

        FWIW, I’m a woman and identify strongly as such – as in, I don’t even like dressing up in costume as a male – but I often struggle to identify with other women. I’m a weird combination of very feminine and very stereotypically unfeminine. I wear mostly pink and women’s clothing, but my interests are stereotypically male (soccer, comic books, video games, etc.) and I’m married but not Mrs. Him and it’s not a huge part of my identify.

        1. Reba*

          I identify with a lot of this.

          It strikes me that everyone’s experience with their gender or other aspects of their identities is nuanced and varies in some way from the accepted norms. As much as gender is about performance that relates to external factors, it is also necessarily an interior and private experience.

    3. copy run start*

      I feel you. I was assigned female at birth too, and went through a similar journey of confusion, acceptance, and questioning (and then for me, transition). Only you know where the road can lead, or if you’re even ready for the journey right now.

      If you’re interested in exploring how you feel, I highly recommend a good therapist. If you’re not ready for that or unable to meet with one, Reddit has several trans* subreddits that I recommend. You may also find a local trans* or LGBT group in your area to connect with. You are certainly not alone. Many of us don’t really tackle our gender identities until we are older.

    4. Solidarity*

      “I was and still am bisexual, but spent all of high school and some of college thinking being attracted to both genders was how everyone was and you just didn’t talk about people of your own gender.” I really identify with this! In fact, I still kinda feel this way. Like, intellectually I understand that people can be attracted to one gender or the other but I don’t really get it?

    5. Ange*

      Hey, I absolutely get what you mean. I am AFAB and realised last year that I am non-binary (only took me 42 years!) but it has been so relaxing since I came to that conclusion. I don’t spend any time worrying about being “female enough” which was kind of a preoccupation before.
      I do get more upset by being misgendered now, that’s the only real downside for me.

  84. Lady Jay*

    Y’all, I finally got around to seeing Black Panther! So good (though I coulda done with more screen time for T’Challa in his suit; that Korean car chase scene was *not* enough.) The women of the film kicked a*ss – loved them all.

    2. Nina*

      I saw it for the first time last weekend, and I nearly lost my shit, it was so good. I absolutely loved Okoye, that woman would put fear in the heart of any warrior, I don’t care how old they were. And I just want to hang out with Shuri because she was so cool.

      T’Challa and M’Baku…yummy. That’s all I have to say.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        It took me forever to figure out that Danai Gurira also plays Michonne on The Walking Dead–I was sitting there going, “I know her! Where have I seen her!? Where!?” She looked so different that I didn’t recognize her! Cue giant head slap when I realized it.

    3. Cristina in England*

      I just saw it today! Loved it. Okoye is just fabulous in every single way. She is my hero.

  85. kas*

    I have a friend who’s in a relationship that she constantly complains about. Her boyfriend rarely works and constantly quits jobs over minor issues, he doesn’t buy her things or take her anywhere and I think he has a criminal record that I believe is the reason why he won’t travel with her – I don’t think he can leave the country.

    He lives with my friend and her lease is almost up and I know he’s using her (she pretty much takes care of him, he barely contributes to rent and never buys anything). She wants to move back in with family and he’s using every trick in the book to get her to renew the lease (incl. promising marriage). If she doesn’t renew, he has no where to live unless he moves in with a friend.

    I’m over hearing her vent about her relationship for the past 2+ years. I ignore her calls because I know she’s calling to vent. I used to give her advice but she never listens so I stopped responding. Does it make me a bad friend for not sharing the fact that he’s using her? I know she doesn’t see it but I’m tired of telling her things about him just for her to continue to stay with him. She’d rather try to fix him than find someone new and I’m tired of hearing her cry and complain.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      There are a few ways to view this. My experience with this dynamic is that in friend groups, the ones in happy relationships are often oblivious to how often they mention their partners/spouses/children in conversation. If you (or any of your friends) casually mention a boyfriend in a story about a trip to Target, this friend is entitled to tell a story that involves her boyfriend.

      I think it can be hard when friend groups try to say that only one of them isn’t allowed to talk about her relationship, just because that relationship happens to be upsetting or annoying. Either everyone gets to talk about dating or no one does.

      1. kas*

        We don’t have the same friends and I don’t bring up anything relationship related to avoid hearing her complaints.

        We could be discussing shopping and she’ll switch gears to talk about something her boyfriend did to annoy her.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          And that’s another side of it too: if you talked about what you did today, she can switch gears and talk about something that she did today, or something that happened to her today. It’s not really switching gears though – it’s more like an objectively reasonable pivot to an appropriate topic (the thing she did today) that you have determined is something you no longer what to hear about.

          You’re allowed to decide to end a friendship with someone who’s no longer a positive presence in your life. You’re allowed to write her off merely for being annoying. It’s not really about the relationship itself, since she’s really just sharing what’s going on in her life, in the same way that everyone else on the planet tells repetitive stories about their daily doings. It’s about the feelings that these conversations are dredging up for you.

          As you can tell, I’ve been on both sides of this. I think most of us have. Personally, I have put up with a fair amount of annoying relationship talk because there have been times when it was therapeutic for me to tell the same stories over and over to anyone who would listen. I will tell you that it is very hard to lose your relationship and your friends at the same time. If you really want her to end this relationship, eliminating yourself as a support system will make that harder for her.

          1. Betsy*

            My perspective is different. I’d probably just tell her he’s a jerk. She obviously needs help, but she’s not listening to your cues that you don’t like to talk about this so often, and you are not her counsellor or therapist so the friendship needs to work for you too.

            There are certain times in life where friendships can become unequal and you can lean heavily on someone without expecting much back, but I think this pertains more to major issues like someone suffering from violence, becoming homeless or experiencing a death in a family.

            With my chronic complainer friend, she openly admits to enjoying complaining (I don’t) and takes ages to take action on any problems in her life. Clearly the complaints are just helping her to defray some of the emotional toll of not taking action to solve her own problems.

            You should keep the friendship if you benefit from it in other ways, but you are not required to mop up others emotional messes. If you’re like most people, you probably have problems of your own, and it’s not fair for people to hand over their problems, of the recipients then have to deal with them on top of their own.

          2. kas*

            I don’t mind venting as much as I have other friends that vent about their relationships. It’s the fact that she’s been venting about the same issues for over two years and won’t do anything to change her situation. I don’t plan on ending the friendship though.

    2. Sunflower*

      You’re not a bad friend. If this was a new relationship, I’d say you should suck it up and deal with it because we all have relationship issues but this is beyond venting. You say your friend is oblivious but I’m not so sure- it sounds like she is looking for validation of her decision to stay with the BF- while knowing deep down this is probably not the best decision. My friend has a crap boyfriend who has another girlfriend. We’re all tired of hearing about it. We’ve all tried to tell her that this guy is a jerk. I have one friend who constantly tries to strongly tell her this guy is a jerk- and now said friend with crap bf hates her.

      Giving your unsolicited opinion when it comes to things like this is super tricky. Most of the time, people actually do know the truth-they just don’t want to believe it. And if you try to give it to her straight..well see above for what happens. When my friend would vent, I would just ask her questions out to where she would end up admitting or realizing things on her own. I’d suggest laying out everything she says you to – ‘So let me get this straight- your BF has no way of supporting himself and will have nowhere to live if you choose to go ahead with what you want to do. And he’s trying to talk you out of doing what you want to do?’ Something that may work to get her to stop venting is asking her ‘What are you going to do about that?’ every time she complains about something.

      I usually just nicely suggest therapy. ‘It seems like you’ve been really unhappy/struggling with this for while now. Have you considered talking to someone about this?’

      1. kas*

        She is definitely in denial most of the time and also seeks validation but every few months or so she’ll realize everything I’ve been telling her and say she’s done and then he makes some more promises and she’s in love all over again.

        I’ve tried suggesting therapy because she seemed depressed for a while but she didn’t seem to be interested.

        I will try laying it out like you suggested one last time, thanks!

    3. VictoriaQ*

      Well, I mean the only thing you can really do in this situation is remind yourself ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’. You can also visit Captain Awkward, because she’s had very similar letters over the years, and you might find some scripts to work with.

      However, I think a lot of times all you can do is watch. For some reason, your friend thinks that this dude, however much he mooches off of her, annoys her, and manipulates her, is somehow The Best She Can Get, Or Whatever. You might ask her, if you’re willing to talk about it, ‘if his behavior never changed, how much longer would you stand it? A month? A year? Longer?’ It might give her food for thought.

      That said, if you want to continue being friends with her, without her talking about her boyfriend, you might have to be blunt about it, or change the subject. “[Friend], how did you like the movie?” “Oh, well, [Boyfriend] kept talking about-” “[Friend] I asked how you liked it”. Where you either ask the question again, or mention that she brought the boyfriend into the conversation for no reason. If she just interrupts a conversation to talk about the boyfriend you could say something like ‘we were talking about [x], not about [boyfriend]’.

      1. kas*

        I’m at the “not my circus” point right now.

        I’ve asked her what will happen if she marries and has children with him when he can’t keep a stable job. She’d rather figure it out when the time comes but by then it will be too late.

        Thanks for the suggestions!

    4. Thlayli*

      You seem to be thinking you only have two options – end the friendship, or put up with the constant moaning about bf. There’s actually a sliding scale of options in between. You can reduce your contact with her – only return calls once a week or once a month, don’t see her in person, limit conversations to a half hour, make an excuse and hang up every time she starts talking about bf. You can also have a Big Talk with her – tell her straight out that he’s using her, you think she should move back in with folks, and age can do better, give her all the info you’ve been holding back, and then wait and see if the friendship survives that. You can tell her you sympathise but you are just sick of this topic of conversation and you need a break from it, and tell her you don’t want to talk about him anymore.

      Or any combination of the above. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

      1. kas*

        Oh I wasn’t thinking about ending the friendship, I’m just tired of the complaining. I’ll have one final conversation with her about him and bring up the using part when she brings it up again. After that, if nothing changes I’ll tell her I don’t want to hear about him again.

        2. Pollygrammer*

          Set a request in terms of time? (As often as you need to). People are so much more willing to go along with “would it be okay to not talk about boyfriend issues today?” than they are “can we stop talking about boyfriend issues?”

    5. Hellanon*

      “Promising marriage”? What is this, the middle ages? Your friend should run hard and fast… but if you have told her this & she is not prepared to listen, it may b time to deploy the Subject Change strategy. Fannish obsessions and cats make excellent weapons here…you trying to change her situation, otoh, will never work. (And seriously, these feral guys never change either, they just get harder to get rid of. Ask me how I know.)

  86. Nervous Accountant*

    I thought I was ready to socialize but Today made me realize that I was not.

    When my dad died a friend texted me saying she wanted to come over to offer condolences when I was free. When I came back, she was busy w her sisters wedding festivities (some of which I’m invited to). She apologized to me twice about not coming over, I said I understood. Another friend who also has a family wedding coming up, didn’t even bother to text and ask to come over. And I’m pretty hurt by that. She had a bridal shower today and I really wanted to skip but forced myself.

    Otherwise I’ve kept myself busy w work. Friends who I haven’t seen in 5+ years came over for condolences so I hardly consider that socializing. There’s 5 events coming up (diff weddings) which i initially wanted to go to but not anymore. Idk.

    I’ve always kept my expectations pretty low but I still expect a little morefrom certain friends than others and I’m hurt by it.

    1. Bibliovore*

      I am sorry for your loss. As the person in mourning traditionally, you have no obligation to “socialize” during this period. Visitation doesn’t count as socializing. It is the ritual for when we have the opportunity to comfort the grieving person.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Oh, this sucks. Yep it’s hurtful.

      Oddly, it’s been a recurring theme in my life. The people who I think should do X, don’t do X. And they let me down on a regular basis. If I need something they are no where in sight.

      This is going to sound rough but bear with me. We don’t get to assign tasks to people involving our care. Many times they simply won’t accept the assignment. The ones who should help bail us out because they “owe” us are not the ones who bail us out.

      There are a few things that came out of this discovery for me:

      1) Stop giving so much of myself to people who don’t give back. Be more aware of relationships that are all me giving them and them taking whatever I offer.

      2) People neglect us for a reason. They are busy. They don’t know how to help. They are overwhelmed or perhaps frightened by watching us. When my husband died, I called a couple. I got the wife on the phone, when I told her my husband had passed she screamed into the phone (omg!omg!) and quickly passed the phone to her hubby. She. could. not. deal. in any manner.

      3) I knew I had a problem and I was probably the key person who should know, because I am in charge of my own self-care. So I started doing all that self-care stuff, even though I was kind of robotic about it, I still did it.

      4) The universe is kind. People come along who will help us. Typically these are the people who owe us nothing.
      Many times it can be people who live on the perimeter of our lives and we don’t know them that well or we don’t know them at all. (This blog is a great example. It’s a bunch of strangers helping each other.) Don’t turn down help from people who DO offer. Learn to say YES in well chosen instances.

      5) Some relationships I had to re-evaluate. Some people were just plain thoughtlessly cruel. Other folks did not know how to process my situation. Death is a very power force in that it causes some relationships to end and new relationships to start up. There are many reasons for this but the pattern is pretty well recognized, many folks have seen this play out in their lives. Those friends who reconnected with you might be some people to pay attention to, idk.

      I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to 5 weddings or even 1 wedding. I’d like to encourage you to make a plan. Do every other wedding? Just go for the service and skip the reception? Drag a friend along who does understand your setting? Do the showers, skip the weddings entirely? I am not sure what is right for you or what will make the most sense. I hope I can encourage you that you do not have to participate every inch of the way. You need time out and you should take that time out.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Some people don’t handle loss well. If that’s the case with your second friend, it’s best if she’s staying away for now. Some people also don’t like when other people invite themselves over after a death, so they feel they’re being respectful by giving you some space.

      The frustrating truth is that this sounds like a whole lot of bad timing. If you’re seriously struggling, you wouldn’t be in the wrong to reach out to people and say that you’d like some company. I doubt anyone is ignoring you on purpose. Feel better.

  87. Kerr*

    Cornstarch. Put a spoonful on the stain, press it in a bit, let it sit and absorb for a while, brush off. Repeat a few times. It probably won’t come out completely without washing, but it will remove enough grease that it can wash out.

    It depends on the garment, but I’ve had success washing soft silks with baby shampoo, Eucalan, or dish soap, with tepid water and no scrubbing. Add a dash of vinegar to the final rinse.

  88. Sad Anon*

    I’m not sure if this is off limits here but I don’t really know where to turn. My partner and I have been together just over ten years now and we have no real intimacy except perhaps once a year. It’s been like that for about 6 years. He’s on anti depressants which I know loss of libido is a side effect. When I asked him to bring it up with his doctor, he came back and said, yeah the doctor said it’s a side effect. I was pretty upset (a bit angry tbh) with that and said, what so I’m supposed to put up with that forever?! He doesn’t seem to care at all.

    So trying to survive with no touch or intimacy or even any kind of interest from him is really really hard. I get a peck kiss each day and night and that’s it. No hugs, no cuddles, no touches. It makes me so sad. I ask myself, is it me, all the time, even though I know it’s not. I’m not sure I really want to break up over this. I’m 51 now. Do I want to start again, what about losing all contact with his family. I’ve been through that before, I know it’s so hard.

    Can I hear from anyone who’s been through something like this please?
    Is it ever ok to stray from your partner? I feel like I would be justified. I know that sounds terrible :( I am also currently tempted by someone interested in me which I’m having trouble dealing with. Who is not single by the way, ugh!

    Are there any online resources or forums anyone can point me to?

    1. Thlayli*

      I think relationship counselling would be a good first step, rather than cheating behind his back. It’s not reasonable of him to just expect you to accept a sexless existence – that’s not what you signed up to. You could talk to his doc and ask if there is any way the medical effect can be mitigated – is it possible for him to take viagra or something while on those drugs. Or are there similar antidepressants that don’t have this side effect, or is there any other way to mitigate the side effect.

      It’s not reasonable for him (or his doctor) to just say “it’s a side effect” and have no other discussion. It affects you too. It seems like he doesn’t care about your feelings at all.

      Some couples have an arrangement – an open marriage type thing. Perhaps your husband would be open to that?

      A relationship counsellor would help you talk through things and help him realise that this upsets you. Even if he won’t go with you, a relationship counsellor would help you consider your options.

    2. no-petales rosebud*

      No solution, but you’re not alone. My wife is almost asexual. No intimacy for years and years (once a year, maybe…). I have no solution, for the moment, except… own amusement, so to speak. Now, I’m a hetero guy, so it’s a different thing than yours, but I’m in the same general boat. More, for me sexual fidelity is a paramount value, so no side gigs, accepted or not. The TL;DR being: no idea, just commiseration.

    3. misspiggy*

      Have a look at Dan Savage’s archives. My partner has similar circumstances and issues to an extent, but physical affection has never been off the menu – even when depression has made him retreat. It’s not right to be in a relationship and deny your partner touch. If his situation is caused by medication, you have a right to request that he tries alternative brands or doses. If he himself would rather live without physical intimacy, he needs to be upfront about that, so you can decide whether that’s acceptable to you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Straying does not solve your core problem. It’s a temporary fix that is all it is. And it could possibly bring in a dozen more new problems.

      If you feel the need to stray, seriously consider that this may be the last straw and you need to bail out of this relationship.

      As far as starting over. I think life is cruel in that we can be forced to start over at any age. Who wants to keep doing this? ugh. Like many folks, it’s easy to think about what we would be losing or walking away from, for example his family. We almost have to deliberately plan out what we are walking TOWARD. Think about where you would go and what you would do from here, if you left. See if you find something that makes sense.

    5. BugSwallowersAnon*

      Your mileage may vary, but I think if it’s really clear that the kind of sex and physical intimacy that you need won’t be possible in this relationship, and you can’t come to any kind of compromise, I think you may need to end it. It’s okay to leave over this if you want to, but it’s not okay to cheat or lie.

    6. Clever Name*

      I’ve been through something similar. I’ll tell you my story, but I can’t tell you what to do. I recently divorced my husband of nearly 17 years. While we were having sex fairly regularly, the sex was awful. My ex displayed no affection for me at all. He’d walk right by me and greet our son. He never initiated hugs, didn’t kiss me. He showed no concern for me as a person while I spent nearly all my emotional energy being supportive while he endlessly ranted about his job which he hated yet made no effort to leave. We had one final argument (about sex) where he admitted that he had no romantic feelings for. It was like a switch flipped and I was done. When we had the conversation where I told him it was over (and he agreed) he asked for a damn hug! I left him because I know I deserve better. I think you know you deserve better too.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’ve noticed that many doctors will just answer the question asked and leave it to the patient to follow up. And it can be hard to follow up on things, especially something like this. And for me, the follow up question doesn’t occur to me until the appointment is over. The question for the doctor needs to be “how can I counteract the side effects of the meds I’m on?” And it may not be a good question for a GP. You may need to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in meds. They’re not cheap, but you don’t need as many visits as talk therapy. An alternative is your husband could email his doctor instead of making another appointment, since he’s basically already raised the issue. My clinic has their own app where you can email any doctor you’ve seen before. Then even if he does need to be seen the topic has already been raised and he doesn’t have to say it out loud too many times. But I think that unless you hear otherwise, you need to assume he wants to fix this too but the depression and meds are getting in the way.

      You could also decide what your minimum level of physical contact is and ask for that. Like a hug each morning and one night of tv cuddleing each week. It will probably be pretty perfunctory at first but it’s something you can build on. If you don’t have much physical contact you end up building this shell around you that takes time to break through.

      Unless you open up your marriage beforehand, an affair is the nuclear option. Especially with your current crush. The attention is probably very flattering and is feeding a need you have, but it’s a supremely bad idea. I think I would imagine he has every personality trait you find annoying.

    8. Reba*

      I’d be totally bereft without physical affection from my partner. A lot of folks might say it’s “just” sex — but ordinary, everyday touches and hugs and smooches matter to me. They are part of what really makes me feel loved and secure. It’s not just you.

      Counseling — your spouse may not realize (although I know you have already told him in different ways!) just how serious this is. He may think this is normal, disappointing but normal. He may not realize that it is actually, currently, already fatal to your marriage. Let him know that one way or another, change is coming.

      For me, I think trying to open the marriage rather than going outside in secret (i.e. cheating) would be something I could live with.

    9. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m sorry you are not getting what you need out of your relationship.

      Loss of libido is a side effect of some, but not all, antidepressants, including one I took for years. On a different medication, I now have a stronger libido. For me, I didn’t want sex, but still wanted companionable touch. They are separate drives in me, so I worry that your partner doesn’t even seem to want to touch you. They may not be separate in him, though. The other thing that worries me is you saying that your partner doesn’t seem to care that you are upset.

      Some combination of a few things might help. Figure out for yourself (with or without a therapist) if you can continue in this relationship with no change. There’s your starting point. Talk with your partner about how you feel and what you need, again with or without a therapist, but I think someone good at couples work would be good. Make sure he understands. Don’t beat around the bush. If he’s willing to work on things, then you have choices: change medications, agree on some middle ground for amount of intimacy, other things suggested by someone smarter than I.

      Don’t cheat. Open the relationship by mutual decision if you both can truly and honestly say it will be okay, but don’t cheat. In the long run, I can’t see how cheating won’t cause more problems than it solved.

      *hugs* (or whatever you like better)

    10. Temperance*

      You’ve gone without a meaningful sex life for 6 years, and he doesn’t want to fix the problem. You’re 51. You aren’t too old to give up on a meaningful connection with someone.

      Is his family important enough to you that you’d give up the relationship you want and deserve to keep them around?

    11. heckofabecca*

      I’m going through something similar with my husband, though I’m in your husband’s shoes. We’re in marriage counseling, and I feel awful about the situation and what it means for us as a couple and for my long-suffering husband. I do show affection with hugs, cuddles (when possible—I’m what my therapist calls a highly sensitive person, so I get overwhelmed a lot), etc. I’m sorry your husband isn’t putting in an effort in that department.

      I highly recommend couples counseling. Intimacy is something you can work towards. Even if sex isn’t on the table right now, cuddling and other types of nonsexual intimacy is clearly something that could help! And a couples therapist should be able to help you find ways to connect with each other. And the fact that he’s not showing sympathy for your distress is pointing to the “help!” sign.

      I would start with counseling, and if your husband isn’t open to it, or isn’t actually putting in the effort… Reevaluate then. Best of luck, commiseration, and internet hugs to you.

    12. Anon 4k*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone. I’m in that boat too, except without the medication as a cause. I’ve been with my partner nearly 20 years and this has probably been going on the last 4. I literally have to ask for a hug and I don’t even get the pecks goodnight. No random hugs, no cuddles, no passionate kisses, no hand holding (unless you count my initiated hand holding that lasts less than a minute), sex once or twice a year. We’ve talked about it, discussed what each of us needs, but due to reasons nothing changes. It’s one of many reasons I’m planning to leave. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t seem to want me, except to do his laundry.

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      This is a tough one. He should want to try to be intimate with you even if he doesn’t have the drive. That’s what couples do when something is important to one of them. But since it’s sex, you can’t go further than hoping he’ll put in effort to make you happy. Sex isn’t something you can bargain with or pressure him about (it’s not like emptying the dishwasher). If he’s saying no, he’s saying no, and now you need to figure out what you want to do if you never get this part of your relationship back.

    14. No Name*

      I hear you! I have been with mine also for 10 years and I think we did the “deed” once last year, and a handful or times before that. Mine won’t even discuss it with the doc. It’s terribly painful, and I have no magic solution for you. I do get some cuddling, but it doesn’t feel like enough.
      Would I have a physical relationship with someone if the chance came ( safely), yes. But I have also discussed and said that to him, so it’s not a sneaky secret.
      Also, my friend who recently got married and has been with her guy for 7 years is also starting to have to practically beg for it ( and there is no outward physical change in us, other than the aging of those years).

      Her and I are at our wits. Not to mention all this stereotyping that it’s the woman who never wants to put up. Seems like the issue seem to be quite a few men actually.

    15. Sad Anon*

      Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I’ve really appreciated hearing all of them, sharing your thoughts, ideas and experiences. It’s given me a lot to think about.

      Actually writing it out yesterday has made me realise just how sad I really am about all of this. I’ve been feeling fairly emotional all day.

      Certainly, I agree cheating is not the answer. I don’t want to be that person.

      I can’t say I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this (no one deserves this) but it does help knoing that.

      I guess I feel ignored and not valued at all. I haven’t changed much physically either over the years. When we met we agreed that a good sex life was important to both of us.

      I think I’ll start by seeing a counsellor. I don’t think he’d go. I would probably have to put my feelings to him in a letter as especially lately every conversation ends in raised voices.

      Thanks again everyone for responding.

  89. ..Kat..*

    Just wanted to thank AAMers for two somewhat recent suggestions on AAM.

    1) I have always had allergies, including itchy eyes. Over the past two years, my eyes had gotten worse, but allergy medicine worked less. Someone on this site talked about blepharitis. I tried the suggestion of baby shampoo and a wet washcloth and massaging my eye area. Jackpot! Still have allergies, but apparently I had developed blepharitis as well. Thank you so much! My eyes feel and look so much better. Red, swollen eyes is not a look you want your nurse to be sporting!
    2) on the post of a woman with skin-touch-sensory issues. The woman was asking how to look professional without a bra at work because she could not stand the feel of it against her skin. Many people suggested Bali comfort bra. My issue is no where near as severe as hers, but I love these bras. They really work for me. If Goodwill won’t accept my old (but amazingly unused condition bras, maybe I’ll have a good, old fashioned bra burning! Thank goodness my girls are small and need very little support.

    Thanks y’all. Better living through AAM.

    2. nep*

      Love it — Better living through AAM. I think it’s the case for many of us.
      Grateful for AAM and everyone here.

    3. Pathfinder Ryder*

      If Goodwill doesn’t accept them, try looking into organizations that donate used bras to homeless people, trans people, or abroad. (I have no specific recs because I’m not in the US.)

  90. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Can anyone in the UK/London suggest a place to get premade salads that don’t have lettuce in them? Making salad is a huge PITA (as would be carrying it around for hours), and I don’t have the time or energy to make my own salads, but I miss salads and want to eat more of them. Spinach, arugula, etc. are all fine, but lettuce makes me really sick. And yet it is everywhere.

    1. JaneB*

      Marks and Spencer food hall? They have bags of prepared spinach leaves or argugla (rocket here), and heartier salad pots of things like lentils and chopped veggies other than lettuce, pasta or rice salads etc., and combining the two would give you something really nice… (also they have these great “meal box” things with couscous, roast squash, vegetable puree, seeds and feta and stuff – often in the meal deal – healthy and vegetable packed and filling, plus do much better with being carried around for an hour or two than a lettuce-y salad)

    2. Thlayli*

      I think both boots and m&s have salads that meet those requirements but you might have to dig around a bit.

  91. StudentA*

    I slept for 16 hours last “night” (it started around 3pm). I woke up once for less than an hour, drank some water and messed around online. This has not happened to me in a long time. Has this ever happened to you? Besides medication, what would be the culprit? I have not had a change in medication, and I have not been oversleeping other than yesterday.

    1. Caledonia*

      Unless it becomes more a regular issue I’m not sure you need to worry too much. Perhaps your body is fighting something, or it’s a answer to stress or upheaval in your life or maybe it’s something that just happened. Bodies are weird.

      If it becomes a pattern then investigate.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Flu?
      You might never know, because your extra sleep might have been enough to ward it off.

      I spent a good chunk of yesterday sleeping too. I am pretty sure I had the start of a bug.

    3. LCL*

      The start of pollen time here always causes me to be exhausted. And it is pollen time in parts of the PNW.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I wouldn’t take it seriously until it becomes a pattern. You may just have had a string of nights where you slept but not well and your body was catching-up.

    5. StudentA*

      Something else happened. I went to brunch with a friend today and ate A LOT, then stopped by a bakery and had dessert. My friend was astounded at how much I ate. I told him about yesterday and we agreed something was off with my body. I don’t have a thyroid issue, according to past tests. I’ve been feeling disoriented all day today. I’ll do as you guys advised and see if it’s just a one-off thing.

      1. Thlayli*

        It does sound like there’s something unusual about you. Simple Exhaustion, fighting off a bug, or pregnancy would all make me really tired and hungry.

      2. acmx*

        You slept 16 hours so at minimum you didn’t eat for 16 hours. You probably didn’t eat right before you went to sleep so it was even longer since you last ate.

  92. Sorgatani*

    This feels like a combo-platter, whether it belongs in the Friday thread or here, but I think it pertains more to here.
    On a complete whim, and with nothing else to lose, I applied for a job with the Australian Army. Within a week, I had undertaken aptitude testing, and, to my surprise, found that I have WAY MORE OPTIONS than I initially thought! This felt like an opportunity was in front of me, rather than behind. Long story short, I want to try for this!

    Thing is, I don’t currently meet the fitness or BMI standards.
    It’s going to take me a lot of time and work to make it, but my fiance is on board with this – he holds my feet while I build my sit-up count, and I’ve asked him to be my ‘prod’ – when he tells me to run around the block or work out on the WiiFit U, I’m going to do it! More times than I care to admit, that’s what I think I need.

    I might start trying to track the “journey” here – until I set up something more suitable, at least.
    I need to improve my form for pushups. I can retain good form with Elevated, but I need to get better at Toe/Floor pushups. Toe/Floor I end up dropping my hips and looking like I’m performing the Yoga “Cobra Pose”. I don’t know what my current shuttle run score is; my last test was 2.3. I checked my watch before and after a jog around the block, and it takes about 3mins – incorporating a few walking paces and at least one sprint), I can currently do about 22 sit-ups (10-6-4) before my guts start feeling like they’ve been punched.

    I also see a need to study what I’m getting myself into. Better than being adrift in aimlessness.

    1. PX*

      Sounds like a great challenge! I’m quite goal oriented so I would enjoy tracking my improvement and seeing how much better I get over the weeks. And as you say, see what you’re getting into and start narrowing down your options to focus on what you want!

      1. Sorgatani*

        Thanks!
        I’m new to actually having goals, and I have had bouts with analysis paralysis in the past.

        PS: I also just noticed that my maths was wrong in my post! D’oh! I did do 22 sit-ups, it was 10-6-6.

    2. nep*

      This is exciting. Good for you!
      I know you didn’t ask for advice on the push-ups-in-proper-form (and you might already include this in your training) — but just throwing this out there. Doing negatives can really help with that strength for full push-ups: get in a nice straight plank position and lower your body as slowly as you can, and as low as you can while keeping that straight line, then release — body comes to the floor and hands come up. Push yourself up however works best (peeling body off the floor) then repeat.
      Wishing you all the best. You got this. (Great that you’ve got a supportive partner.)

      1. Sorgatani*

        Thanks! I’ll try that. I hadn’t asked because I didn’t know how to ask. That method makes sense.
        I did start out doing my sit-ups in reverse, because the first time I tried the regular kind, I could barely move the next day. I can see extending that to push-ups.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      A couch to 5 k program or similar training program may be a good way to get an easy, scheduled plan with graduated levels of effort.

  93. Feed me, Seymour*

    I need family dinner ideas. Two young kids, two working parents. We used to eat well and in the past 6 months, our youngest moved from “toddler food” (out anything remotely healthy in front of her and call it a win) to real kid food.

    What meals work for your family? We have no dietary restrictions, just time and kids that would eat fish sticks, corn, and rice every night if it were up to them. Only half of us like tomatos but sauces are fine.

    Winners have been chili, lasagna, various risottos (either with meat or served alongside meat), chicken pot pie, “dump chicken” aka salsa chicken/beans/corn in a crock pot over rice. But that’s basically all we eat now other than kid food.

    We have a crock pot, instapot, etc.

    1. PX*

      Roast veg and roast chicken? Basic, easy to make (ish) and likely to appeal to all audiences. Maybe more one pot bean dishes – I’m a big fan of black eyed beans with various veg and rice. Not sure how complicated they are but have recently rediscovered my love of frittatas (store bought though!), so maybe that direction (or quiche for extra oomph).

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Check out cool mom eats for a weekly menu plan of family friendly meals. I also really like two cookbooks, “Keepers” and “The Dinner Plan” both have delicious and well written recipes. Also consider a cycle menu where you plan out 2-3 weeks of meals and repeat. I like Ellyn Satter’s “Secrets of Feeding A Healthy Family. ” The book includes recipes, meal planning tips and ways to let kids help plus a short explanation of her Division of Responsibility practices which are helpful for any family.

    3. Lily Evans*

      My parents had a few different ways of using a whole rotisserie chicken each week. We’d get a hot chicken and have it with different sides, cold chicken would be served with salad, cold chicken is also a good shortcut to chicken salad sandwiches, or we’d shred the chicken and use it as a taco filling with a bunch of topping choices.

      Crockpot pulled pork sandwiches were always a big hit with us, served with store bought potato salad or coleslaw usually. This one pot pasta was also a family favorite (I even figured out how to make a vegetarian version because I missed it so much). And if your kids like chili, they might also like Indian dal, there are tons of recipes online for that including slow cooker versions, and when you make it from scratch it’s easy to control the level of spice.

      1. Nicole76*

        I second the rotisserie chicken. We usually pick one up from Costco and the first night just have it warm with a veggie and starch. Then I cut it up into smaller pieces and add mayo, celery, sliced almonds, and dried cranberries so we can have chicken salad sandwiches for lunch during the week.

      2. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Before the latest snowstorm I picked up 2 chickens, shredded them both and made lazy shawarma out of one and left the other plain. We’ve been eating them as sandwiches and in soups all week.

        For shawarma I shred a rotisserie chicken while it’s still warm and let it marinate in yogurt, lemon juice and spices in the fridge for a few hours. When I’m ready to cook I dump it all in a pan and cook it down. You can either cook it until its dry and crusty or leave it a bit juicy.

      3. Lily Evans*

        Also breakfast for dinner! Somehow it’s much more exciting than actual breakfast. It’s pretty quick and easy to whip up some eggs, breakfast meat, and something starchy like frozen potatoes or toast.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Sheet pan dinners are my go-to. Basically all ingredients go on a sheet pan and pop in the oven. Easy to prep and clean up. I’ve gotten some good recipes from thekitchn.com but you can find tons by googling sheet pan dinners.

    5. Aealias*

      Pork chops or chicken in condensed cream of mushroom soup.

      Microwave-steamed vegetables. Summer sweet peas work really well and my kids gobble them up.

      A couple of dressing choices for salads – youngest is strong-willed, and everything is easier if she feels she’s had a say.

      Wraps: chicken, pork souvlaki, peppercorn steak, ground beef & taco seasoning. Mix and match veggies.

      Stew, chicken or beef. Instant pot makes this quick, although I prefer a slow-cooker stew for flavour.

      Vegetarian is a pain in the butt, though. My kids don’t like mushrooms, curry, beans… basically, anything I enjoy in a vegetarian meal. If anyone has suggestions for that, I’ll be following.

      1. nep*

        My friend likes making pork chops with chicken and rice soup in the crock pot — the recipe was ‘chicken lickin’ good’ pork or something. (If you eat pork.)

    6. The New Wanderer*

      I’ve had luck with baking chicken thighs with various seasonings (I read recipes online and pick one with a flavor combo I think they’ll enjoy), with sliced roasted potatoes and steamed/sauteed veggies on the side.

      Also a variation on chili with ground turkey, tomatoes, corn, onions and carrots minced beyond recognition, and sometimes white beans in spaghetti sauce, served over pasta. (I personally hate chili flavor and kidney beans so that’s because of my pickiness!)

      Salmon/steelhead has been hit or miss, regardless of the marinade or whether broiled or baked. Shrimp scampi is good, and my MIL gave me a recipe for teriyaki shrimp and snap peas that they loved.

      If it were up to my kids, we’d only have spaghetti and meatballs, pizza, and chicken thighs on permanent rotation. The struggle (for variety) is real.

  94. JamieS*

    I’m not sure if this falls under this thread or the work thread but I’ll start here. I’m trying to find a letter written a few years ago that I can’t for the life of me find and it’s driving me nuts.

    The basic gist of the letter was the OP wanted all their department coworkers fired so they can be paid the salary of multiple people since they came up with processes that would enable them to do the work of the entire department thus making the co-workers obsolete.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Whoops, I just posted it too with out refreshing.

          I found it with a phrase that included the word “obsolete”. But it was not on the first page of search results. I think I went 2 or 3 pages. “made coworkers obsolete”

          I don’t mind if you delete my post, Alison. It’s redundant, anyway.

        2. Reba*

          Oh, I also found it just now — by googling ” “ask a manager” can I propose that my company fire my coworkers and give me their salaries”

          I love that letter because the writer is both so logical and so absurd.

          1. JamieS*

            Hmm, I Googled something similar and nothing came up. Guess didn’t have the right key words or didn’t look far enough into the results :-/.

        3. Sadie Catie*

          I found it pretty much the same way as Not So New Reader. It was a combo of keyword searching “efficient” and the vague memory that it was a short answer. I’m really excited we found it :)

        4. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

          Ugh I refreshed and STILL missed that others found it. I used the in-site search and looked for (no quotes) “I automated so I want to be paid 3 salaries” or something like that. It was like the 5th suggestion, but I scanned the search results and I think it was the only one that actually had “automated” bolded so I took a look.

      2. JamieS*

        Yes, that’s it! Thank you! I was thinking it was a stand alone letter which is probably why I had so much trouble finding it.

  95. Casuan*

    Star Trek

    Who is a fan & to what degree? Why do you like Star Trek?

    To me, Star Trek makes me want to learn more about science & it promotes tolerance of other races & cultures— not just tolerance, also acceptance & integration, & that sometimes things just don’t work out. It also helps me to think through things from different angles.
    And it’s just good fun!!

    I guess my fandom can best be described as “casual.”
    A remember seeing The Original Series during one of its first syndications & I didn’t really get into the series until the Voyager finale; there wasn’t anything else on so I watched it & wanted to learn more about the Star Trek universe. The only series I watched during its original run is Enterprise. One day I’ll rewatch The Original Series & The Animated Series, which I’ve never seen. My favourite series is Deep Space 9, although for years I never had interest in watching it & probably by the fifth season it was my fave.
    Sometimes I’ll look online to research various aspects, I’m not into fan fiction & probably I’ll never go to a convention because conventions aren’t really my thing.

    As for individual episodes, there are a few things to get out of my system, which probably won’t enhance anyone’s life except my own because I need to say them to someone & this board works!
    Be warned that there will possibly be more in the future, whatever randomly might surface. ;-p

    *I’m trying to write these spoiler-free & hopefully I’ve succeeded; I think they’ll make sense to someone who is familiar with the episodes.*

    The Next Generation: The Vengeance Factor
    During a dinner that Riker is observing, Riker phasers someone who threatens the safety of the diners. It’s always bugged me that he went straight to kill.

    Star Trek: Deep Space 9
    During the finale, Sisko talks with his wife. After an entire series that showed the close relationship between Sisko & his son Jake, I’ve always thought Sisko should have talked with Jake.
    to get over this, I like to assume that Sisko did talk with his son & we just weren’t told of it :)

    Enterprise: two episodes tho I can’t remember their names; one was where T’Pol asked Archer to help capture a prisoner
    Archer told T’Pol that he wouldn’t be a very good captain if he couldn’t perceive when one of his officers was bothered by something. A few episodes later, he proceeded to not tell that T’Pol was having difficulty so he berated her, when even Porthos probably knew she was upset.

    1. Casuan*

      Aauugghhh!!
      Somehow this posted before I could finish edits & I even had a cool name to use [at least it was cool to me].
      So the tribble is out of the bag. I like Star Trek :)

      I’ve *got* to set up Feedly. Hopefully that will help.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I am a huge Star Trek fan to the extent that I have a tattoo of the original Enterprise on my right foot.

      What I love about it is very much the same as you – it promotes tolerance, cooperation, ingenuity, bravery, self-sacrifice, and so much more.

      I’m more TNG than any other show and when it was in its prime (seasons 3-6), it was just incredible. I love the reltaionships between the characters, I love the characters themselves – they’re all fleshed out and relatable, including Wesley despite the hate some have for him – and they just feel like family. Whenever I’m feeling a bit down and need comfort TV, I always turn to Star Trek.

      Also, the Original Series was so far ahead of its time (pun not intended, but appreciated). Kirk was pro-choice, against capital punishment, and a liberal minded leading man in a time when it wasn’t normal to be out and loud like that.

      Star Trek also values intelligence over brawn, which is definitely something I feel has been lost over the years. They would rather talk a situation through than open phasers, although they did do so when necessary.

      I also joke (but actually quite serious) that I learnt my moral code and my way of looking at life from Star Trek. For example:

      1. Infinite diversity in infinite combination – taught me to welcome and embrace different opinions and experiences and to be pro-immigration
      2. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or of the one – taught me that sometimes, what’s best for me isn’t the best for everyone else and to step back
      3. Live long and prosper – taught me to live the best life I can
      4. To boldy go – taught me to be brave and do it even if it’s difficult and hard, and do it with my chin up

      So yeah, I forkin’ love Star Trek.

    3. Thlayli*

      I grew up watching the next generation and loved it. I’m working my way through it again on Netflix at the moment – it’s interesting seeing which bits have aged well and which haven’t.

      I wouldn’t consider myself a massive fan, but I am definitely a fan. I agree with you that it promotes/promoted racial tolerance. It’s well known that the original series had the first interracial kiss on tv, and having a black female officer on tv at that time was just wonderful. I like the way they addressed a lot of the politics of our time too. Like the Klingons were the Russians and then they made peace with the federation etc. It was a hopeful show. Watching The original series now it is absurdly sexist, but I suppose it was pretty women’s lib for its time. The next generation seems sexist now, but it seemed pretty feminist in the 80s. I think it’s always been pretty progressive on social issues.

      I really really like the recent jj Abrams movies. The opening scene of the first one, where Kirk is born. I cry Every. Single. Time. Bawl my eyes out. It’s a phenomenol 10 mins of cinema. One of my favourite scenes of any movie or tv show ever.

    4. Anon and alone*

      Yep, total Star Trek fan. I watched the Original Series during its first syndication, I believe, (early 70’s) and was immediately smitten. I also read the Star Trek novels. I liked The Next Generation but I couldn’t get into DS9 or Voyager. Enterprise, on the other hand, I loved it. In fact, I like Star Trek so much that a jerk I dated briefly asked my mom after we broke up if I was still into “that Star Trek s–t”. The guy was a compulsive liar, I’m much better off without him. I rather like episodes that left an opening for speculation e.g. “Assignment: Earth” (which was supposed to be a spinoff that never happened) which led to, I think, 5 novels featuring Gary Seven/Roberta Lincoln/Isis the cat.

    5. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I love Star Trek, always have. I remember as a kid watching the original series back in the 1960’s with my dad who turned me on to sci fi, then watching all the other series as they came along. My favorite was Next Gen, least favorite Enterprise. One of the highlights of my life was going on a Star Trek themed cruise “Sea Trek” in 1995 to the Caribbean along with many of the stars of the different series. It was so awesome. I got lots of autographs and photo ops with the different stars.

  96. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    7 more weeks :)

    MOH’s organizing a bridal sleepover. 2 cousins (the only fam I invited to sleepover) decliner—1 has a newborn, 1 has chemo follow up appointments. Also, a friend transitioned, FTM. Basically, can I invite a guy to a bachelorette sleepover party? He’s known us all growing up…but he’ll be the only guy there, and it’s a wine-and-paint quiet night. Will he get bored? On the other hand, if he’s excluded, he’ll be the only one left out…

    Also, Aunt Flo=spending this afternoon vegging out on the makeshift couch watching Charmed, baking sweet potato black bean protein brownies, and literally counting down the days till I can finally eat chocolate and pb deliciousness again….(doing paleo-ish so I can ensure my gown fits well). 55 days, 2 hours, 20 minutes……..

    2. Thlayli*

      Congrats. Re your FTM buddy – first question is do you want him there? If so, invite him. Second question is does he want to be there? He may feel out of place but since he knew you all growing up, probably not.

  97. Cruciatus*

    Went to another open house today. Now I’m torn. Last time I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt pretty good about this one house. It was a little plain with small rooms, a small yard (flat), close to work (10 minutes) and I could actually think about how to decorate a bit. But I like today’s house but it also has it’s pluses and minuses (argh!). The house is nicer in general–less plain (but tasteful), rooms are, well, roomier (though not huge), also a small yard but sloped, lower taxes than other house (by nearly $1000), and a little further from work (20 minutes).

    Here are some pics if you’re into that: https://imgur.com/a/bjo1E

    The house is just for me. Would that sloped yard really start to bother me? I do like that it’s mostly private–but there are those houses you can see in at least one of the photos at the top of the slope (and there are houses on either side). I won’t actually use the yard that much if I truly think about it. And I am capable of mowing the lawn and going up and down. There is a little deck on the house that is flat. There will be a lot of competition for this house so I need to think fast! Many people say “you just know” but I am an over-thinker, which is probably why I have been house searching for YEARS (some times more seriously, sometimes less so–but STILL). I would probably be just fine here–the house itself is very nice (and that is where I would spend the most time–inside). Anyone have any thoughts?

    1. Yetanotherjennifer*

      That’s a nice house! That yard seems awfully sloped, but for what you save you could hire someone to mow if needed. 20 minutes each way is an extra 40 minutes each day in good traffic. That seems like a lot to me, but my commute is across the hall. But you may not always have that job so also consider how close the house is to other potential workplaces. And how close is it to other things? I know so many people who moved away from the city to get more house and ended up moving back because they spent so much extra time driving. I would be inclined to take less house in exchange for more time.

      1. Cruciatus*

        My current commute is 30 minutes one way, coming up from the snow belt every day so this is actually closer (though of course, traffic dependent). This is actually in the city and pretty central. It’s on the southern end, but in the middle of the east and west sides, and is minutes from the main drag (movie theater, restaurants, shopping, etc.).

    2. fposte*

      It’s a very cute house! My one concern with that slope that you didn’t mention is drainage, especially since that looks like a raised ranch with some real living space on the ground floor. I would ask my realtor about that.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I did talk to the seller’s agent (I know, I know, but no reason I felt to not trust him) and he said there was drainage. One of the first questions was about flooding or water getting into the house. I also read through the disclosure and years ago, before the current owners, there was a leak in the sun room roof/ceiling, but had nothing to do with the ground (and that leak was fixed). And that was it.

        My one gripe is that there isn’t really a basement. I’m finding very few houses that have a full one (AND have the living space). There is one room (like a living room) and a half bath downstairs and beyond that room (sort of behind it) is the “laundry room” and a corner for storage (though the 2 car garage is huge).

        1. fposte*

          If you didn’t get more info on the drainage, I’d find out exactly what he means. Is there a drainage trench? An in-ground system? How old is it? Does the house have a sump with a pump? My concern is that under the snow you’re not going to be able to get a good look at whatever the drainage involves, so you really need to get the info.

          1. Cruciatus*

            I’ve emailed my agent to ask about next steps regarding questions I have about the drainage, though there are probably people out there who don’t care and will put in an offer before me (not that I’ve 100% decided–want to see what my agent thinks first). Everything online says “no, don’t do it!” about a sloped yard. Sigh. I know it’s potentially a bad idea…but is it always a bad idea? Gah!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Houses built at the bottom of a slope or half way down tend to have water in their basements, even if it’s just a dampness. This can work into mold and health issues later if left unchecked. I have never seen anyone have an easy time with a house built in such a location.

              Conservative thinking would probably say, yeah, this is not a good idea. If I tried to sell my house I would have too many tell-tales. Willow trees out back, dehumidifier, fans under the house, sump pump, lack of foundation plants, large trees removed and on. My lot is flat but we have Serious Clay Soil. It’s a nasty clay.

              Have you noticed that you do not have the same confidence about this house as you did the previous house?

              1. Cruciatus*

                Well, I’ve only had since Friday night to think about this house whereas the other house has been on the market for nearly a year and I’ve been watching it off and on for a while. I way prefer this one in looks and space. The only thing I know to be concerned about is the slope. The other one has a flat yard but is actually at the bottom of a (less steep) slope. It’s a horse apiece!

    3. Anono-me*

      The second house is beautiful. I love that it has a sunroom.
      Here are my concerns about the second house:
      If the slope is towards the house, what does that mean for water when there is a fast melt or heavy rain?
      Twenty minutes each way is not a bad commute, except if you compare it to ten. Then it is an extra 1 hour and 40 or more out of your life each week. (The longer the commute the more opportunities for delays. ) With a ten minute commute you can run home quick if you need to over lunch. If you drive, how much longer would your car last with the shorter commute?
      My concern about the first house is that I don’t think you really truly want it. One your description of house one sounds lackluster at best and two, you kept looking.
      What does your Realtor say about finding a house like house two in the neighborhood of house One?

    4. Casuan*

      It is a nice house & the photos helped. I never saw your post from a few weeks ago so I can’t compare properties.
      Yeah, that yard looks quite sloped although unless you’ll be spending much time outside or if your sense of balance [balance? whatever it is that makes us straighten crooked frames] would be off then probably it’s okay.

      Everyone has different priorities so…
      As for locale, today’s house would add at least 20mins of commuting per day. And even if you love & are secure in your job, companies can move to another address & life happens. For me, I prefer to live in a smaller place closer to my favourite areas than a larger place farther away & a yard isn’t a selling point for me, although I like a decent view & the option of enjoying the space whenever I want some fresh air.

      Sometimes when we think something won’t be a big deal, we learn that they are a big deal. The little things either end up bothering us more than we think or we discover that they really don’t bother us at all.
      Can you see yourself living there? Do you think you’d cringe every time you saw the sloped yard? Any idea of how the area is during severe weather? Would the sloped yard cause any issues with heavy rain, snow, or as it is now when the snow melts?

      Hope this helps. Let us know what you decide!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure where the property line is in the first pic. I’ll assume that the photo was taken from the back line looking toward the back of the house.

      That is one heck of a hill. I am bias. That hill would cure me on the property, done/over. Now, I should say that I am part of the “silly city people group” who look for flat lots. Mowing that could wear thin FAST. Additionally, there is not a lot you can do with that space. I am wondering if a garden would work there or if you could even have a dog run because of the slope.

      When I worked selling plants, tractors, mowers etc. we told people that with a walk behind mower you go across the slope. The idea here is that pushing a mower up hill in 95 degree heat could kill a person. With tractors you go up and down a slope. The tractor cannot go across the slope because the likelihood of tipping over is too high. Mowing is a weekly task, the sheer repetition of the work can change our thinking quickly.

      If you are not totally comfy with the slope now, that probably will not improve with ownership of the house. My guess is that slope is what keeps the taxes down a bit. There could be other factors going into the assessment also.
      I don’t like the fact that you are being pressured for the decision. That almost stands alone as a reason to say no.
      Given all that you say here, I think the first house is probably the better choice. Or keep looking.
      I do love looking at houses with people.

      1. Cruciatus*

        It was taken from inside the house (the sunroom, actually. It looks out toward the back yard). I think the property line is those trees.

        I did consider how mowing would go. The more I thought about it I realized my current house (well, my parent’s) is sloped into from the back and slopes away in the front (though it’s a much larger yard–1 acre versus the, like, .2 acres here). But mowing has always been OK. Not my favorite thing but OK and I don’t think it would take very long at least.

        There’s no real “pressure” it’s just that I think the house is nice enough (and “priced to sell”) that a lot of other people are going to overlook the yard and I’m worried my over cautiousness may have me lose out on something that is potentially not a problem. I’ve just been looking for so long and I always have an excuse.

  98. Anon for this*

    So…. assuming a good endodontist, how is a root canal? My nerve died apparently (old trauma? No tooth decay or gum disease) and started having a sore tooth last week apparently because the root got infected?
    Anyway, root canal is scheduled and I am wondering whether I will feel better after that, or worse for a while or…? I guess two weeks after root canal they close up the tooth and hopefully all will be well but not sure if I should expect to be achy the whole time.

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      I had two root canals within two days, and the teeth were next to each other. I felt no pain during or after the root canal. The only thing that was annoying was remembering not to chew on that side of my mouth until I got my crown placed over the root canal. I was able to go to work after I got my root canal. I took 200 mg of ibuprofen before the exam to ward off pain, and the doctor gave me one 500 mg pill after the root canal. I was fine with taking ibuprofen for the day of the exam and the day after.

      I never had any pain with the teeth before, but I had root canals because they were full of cavities. I don’t feel any pain now with the crowns. The only pain I felt was in my bank account.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I had a root canal down about five years ago and I was so relaxed during it that I fell asleep and the dentist had to wake me up when I was done.

      It was honestly the most relaxing experience of my life. I was dreading it because of the horror stories that I’d heard but it was amazing.

      You’ll definitely feel 100% better after the root canal. The rest of the day might be a write off because of numbness from the local anesthesia, and you’ll definitely be dribbling a lot. Plan to eat liquid foods that day, or foods easy to chew, just because it’ll feel a little weird. But within 24 hours, I was back to normal. I kept poking the tooth with my tongue for a while though because I was constantly testing to see if it hurt but it was fine.

      No aches, no pain, just back to normal.

      Good luck!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Adding: Straws. You might like to have a package of drinking straws in the house, to make drinking easier after the surgery. However, this is not a big deal you would probably only want one or two straws and then be fine.

        1. Anon for this*

          Yes, I am drinking through a straw now to avoid my ouchy tooth. Ugh, I want this to be over ASAP.

    3. Horizons*

      I am dental phobic but root canals don’t freak me out because when done properly, they remove any potential for you to have pain in that tooth, ever again. Mostly, they are just boring because the procedure takes a while.

    4. Merci Dee*

      I had a root canal done almost 10 years ago. No pain during the procedure at all. My dentist was excellent. He easily found and treated 3 roots of my tooth, but thought it suspicious that he couldn’t find the 4th root. He took the time to do an x-ray to see if he could find the last root, and was able to locate and treat it, too. If he hadn’t taken that extra step, I would have been in major pain. As it was, the only discomfort I experienced was in my jaw muscles from holding my mouth open for 3 hours. A day or 2 later, and even that was gone.

    5. Kuododi*

      I have had a couple of root canals. Honestly they are NBD…. I was well medicated and the only real problems I had afterward was a mildly tender area where the root canal took place.(It was a mess of a tooth…lots of work to rebuild.). A couple of days of Tylenol and “squishy” food…then I was back to normal!!! I am a needle phobic and always have my provider write for a one dose perscription of Valium to get me through the proceedures. No big 30 day supply…just a one shot, no refill dose for immediately before the proceedure. If you are dealing with that level of stress/anxiety, it would be worth a conversation with your provider about anti anxiety meds. Best wishes.

    6. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      You will probably feel much better.

      A few years ago, I had what I refer to as “adult Halloween” — meaning a surprise root canal on Oct 31st! My tooth just quietly fell apart in the middle of the day.

      The dentist took the time to make sure I was completely and thoroughly numbed — despite the delightful discovery that apparently I lose my effing mind when having a foreign substance injected into me — and it honestly was not bad at all, as dental procedures go. If they offer something you can focus on beside the procedure, like an overhead TV, I’d definitely go for it, just because root canals are LONG and you probably don’t want to think too hard about what they’re doing in there. I didn’t have a TV to watch, but they had a massage function on the chair and I just focused on timing my breathing to that and letting my mind take me far away.

      Aftermath, I didn’t even feel pain really so much as the continuing sensation of pressure, like they were still in there drilling. The worst part honestly was getting the crown fitted — THAT was uncomfortable as hell. Here’s a thing that’s vaguely the shape of your tooth, now we’re gonna ram it in there, figure out where it doesn’t fit right (which, ow!) and then take it out, refine it a bit, and then ram it in again — rinse and repeat till it’s right. But at least that was the end of the whole miserable business.

  99. Delphine*

    Has anyone ever been quoted $1,000 per month for car insurance? I’m a new (adult) driver in what I imagine is a high risk city (Boston), but it seems bonkers to me that all my quotes are around $1k for a month. I want comprehensive coverage, but I was expecting to pay at most $250 per month.

    1. Cruciatus*

      !!!! A month!? Even in a large city for a new driver that seems super expensive. I’m in a much smaller city and pay something like $75-85 a month. My yearly total is $850 (thereabouts). Even when I was a teenager I don’t think it was much more than that. I hope you find a more competitive price!

    2. heckofabecca*

      We live in Somerville, and my husband pays about $100/mo through Progressive. He’s in his 30s and has a good driving history. (If I’m added on, it’s about $10/day extra. I am a new adult driver too—got my license last summer.) Those quotes are bonkers!!! I hope you find something reasonable fast!

    3. Casuan*

      Wo!!
      US$1000?!?!?
      No, based on my arguably limited knowledge on car insurance prices, $1000 per month is extremely excessive.
      If you had a really bad driving record &or own an expensive vehicle (like a Lamborghini or a rare antique car) & have a 0$ deductible… maybe that rate would make sense?
      It’s worth calling/resubmitting the company again for a new quote in case the first quote was a snafu. And is this a relatively known company? Whatever your insurance, you want to know how they respond if you do file a claim.
      You said Boston tho if you’re researching from out of the country, it’s possible that the price was quoted in the currency of your current locale? Doubtful, tho I thought I’d mention it.

      1. Delphine*

        It’s actually all the big name companies! Liberty Mutual, Progressive, All State, GEICO. My rates aren’t lower than $800 for any of them. I’m definitely going to ring them all up.

    4. Belle di Vedremo*

      Welcome to car insurance in Massachusetts. My best tip is to get a AAA membership. That saved me hundreds. It’ll be cheaper when you have a few years of driving under your belt. When I lived there, they charged all new drivers what they’d charge 16 year old new drivers. But meantime, get a AAA membership.

      1. Casuan*

        I’m content with my current car insurance although every year I call around for other quotes. AAA was always quite more costly, which I think is the exception because it was the best option for several friends. I’m an average driver with an average car, so there isn’t anything special about my car or my record that should give such a high quote.
        Thankfully my membership pays off in other ways.
        For car insurance, it’s definitely worth the time to do some research.

    5. Chaordic One*

      What kind of car do you have? Sometimes sporty-cars, even lower-priced ones, can be expensive to insure.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Something is amiss here.
      Are you talking to real people or filling out an online form? If you are just filling out forms online change strategies and talk to a person.

      It might be worth while to find an insurance agent. A good agent has offerings from many companies. My agent has slightly over 100 insurance companies. This is how they can shop and get you good rates. My old insurance crept up to 2k a year for house and car. (for my setting this is outrageous.) I went to my agent and she got me down to $800. Of course it’s creeping up again and at some point I will call her and I will change companies again.
      My friend switched to my agent. His agent had about 3 companies he dealt with. My friend’s car only insurance was $1200 a year for two very old vehicles. So when he went to my agent, she got him down to $600. She explained she has more companies to chose from. My friend did a happy dance.

      I am currently with Travelers. I am not happy about how they treat their help. But I have to keep my insurance costs down.

      An agent will help you select the best policy for the price range and she will help you get the discounts you are entitled to. I probably get over $100 in discounts. There are also discounts for paying in full at the beginning and for paying in full with cash.

      1. Delphine*

        Ah, I hadn’t thought of an insurance agent! I’ll look into that and also call up the insurance companies directly instead of using the online quotes.

    7. Jen*

      Are you reading it right? Usually the quotes are for 6 month policies, and $1000k sounds right. $2k/year. We pay a LOT in Boston, but we have a luxury vehicle and a driver with a lot of accidents. We do not pay anywhere near $1k/month and that is for 3 cars!

      Insurance is very regulated in MA so I assume (hope) you’re looking at a 6 month quote.

      1. Delphine*

        Unfortunately, it’s close to $6k for six months. I definitely had a moment where I thought I was seeing things!

    8. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Not that high, but I’ve come pretty close to it! Of course, I a) was under 25, b) had just moved to Baltimore City – lol high risk forever, AND c) had a major car accident with 2 total losses in my recent history.

      Without 2 of those factors, and considering that Boston doesn’t have nearly Baltimore’s reputation as a cesspit, that’s absolutely bananas.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      As long as you get up to running 4 or 5 miles at a stretch fairly regularly (and you have time if you aren’t yet!) you’ll be fine! I was pretty nervous before my first 10K, worried that it would be so far… but the adrenaline of being around the other runners will carry you through as long as you’ve done some training. 10K is a forgiving distance and if you enjoy it, it may whet your appetite for longer races. That’s what happened to me. 5 marathons and 35 half marathons later, I live to tell the tale. Good luck!!

  101. Jules the First*

    Anyone have any recommendations for self-directed CBT?

    A friend of mine has been told (by the therapist who evaluated her) that it would really help her, but she can’t afford to pay for the therapy out of pocket, and her insurance won’t cover it because she’s not suicidal. She’s game to try it herself if someone can point her in the direction of the right materials, but I haven’t had to look for resources in such a long time that I’m stumped.

    2. Kuododi*

      There is some good info about self directed CBT on NAMI.org. It’s a helpful option for people who are struggling with life issues, decision making process, general coping skills etc. It’s not appropriate for people in active crisis, dealing with heavy duty mental health issues and the like. Best wishes to you and your friend!!!

    3. Not That Jane*

      A friend once recommended something that I believe is called the Feeling Good Handbook. CBT-based journaling / workbook.

  102. Cristina in England*

    I did it! I went out to see Black Panther by myself today. What I mean is, I went out by myself, for myself, for the first time in over five years (since my oldest was born). I was gone from 10-3. My husband even changed a diaper (his first for our youngest, who is 2. The kids didn’t eat lunch, only a lot of treats, but I don’t care. My mood is SO much better and I can see how maybe not having a break in five years could be contributing to my ongoing struggles with patience!

    I want to make this a quarterly feature.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Why not gave a date with yourself every month? Something to look forward to every second Tuesday (or whatever). :)

    2. Caledonia*

      Good for you. Quarterly is good, monthly would be something to aim for in the future maybe but for now, every so often sounds good.

    3. Thlayli*

      That’s great that you got out. I really hope you can manage it more than once every 3 months though! We have a 3yo and a 2yo and my DH and I give each other a lie in once a week and an evening off once a week too. Try for once a month maybe to start with? It gets so much easier once the youngest turns 2.

  103. Merci Dee*

    Kiddo and I went to a neighborhood place for a lazy brunch this morning. It was wonderful. I had an English muffin with orange marmalade. I love that so much, I dunno why. Got some cranberry English muffins over the holidays, and they rocked with orange marmalade.

    Anyone got any particular breakfast or brunch combos they like?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Brunch is my favorite meal. I don’t eat it nearly as much in this city, but I used to go for brunch in NYC all the time. It’s not quite a thing here. Anyway. Favorite breakfast/brunch is, by far, corned beef hash with sunny side up eggs and Frank’s Hot Sauce. If it isn’t Frank’s, it must be Texas Pete. Cholula in a pinch.

      I also looooove buttermilk biscuits with strawberry preserves. Put all of those things together and you have my dream brunch. I also love a good eggs benedict, but the hash is where it’s at.

    2. StudentA*

      Breakfast/brunch is my favorite meal of the day. Scrambled eggs, a biscuit, pancakes and coffee. Mmmmmmm.

    4. Overeducated*

      Oh yeah! My teenage favorite was a croissant sandwich with egg and cheese from Dunkin’ Donuts, so making or buying one still feels like treating myself. I also love huevos rancheros and breakfast burritos. And a good bagel with cream cheese, lox, and capers is perfection.

  104. I am still Furious!!*

    Just need someone to tell me, I’ll eventually be divorced, right? My stupid “soon” I hope to be ex husband wrecked yet another car, the second in 10 months. I left him with the house and 3 cars. He’s down to 1, that’s not running and he wrecked the one I paid to have fixed. Thankfully the car insurance expires in June. I’m going to talk to my attorney. Time for him to have his own policy before I can’t afford car insurance!

    It’s been nearly 6 months since I moved out. Nothing. No settlement proposal, nothing. At least in my state if he dithers around and does nothing, once a year is up (he was served on 9/18/17) I can petition a judge to make a ruling. Ugh. 6 more months of this :( or more :( :( :(

    1. Effie, who is pondering*

      Soon. Hang in there. In the grand scheme of things, a year is short. Grit your teeth, treat yourself, and keep moving forward. All the best.

    2. fort hiss*

      You will absolutely be divorced. I had a friend whose husband dithered, and eventually she had to get the courts to do it for him. It will happen, even if it takes time. That car insurance stuff sounds like a nightmare!!! Take care of yourself in the meantime.

    3. msroboto*

      Document document document all of this. A judge may take all of this in consideration of dividing up the assets.
      I know early on you seemed willing to give a lot but maybe you don’t have to. He is being unreasonable as well as irresponsible he’s not owed the house and three cars and health insurance and your money and whatever all else you had that he didn’t earn.

  105. Yolo*

    Hey Alison, Do some people get placed via IP address in a default-moderation status? Could you explain why/when this happens? I think it has happened to me and I genuinely don’t know what I might have done to result in such status. Thank you!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes, that can happen, but I just checked your IP address and it’s not on moderation. It looks like a few of your recent comments just randomly went to moderation, but sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason to why that happens. (That said, I think with at least two of your recent comments, it’s because they included a word that triggers the spam filter.)

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