weekend free-for-all – March 24-25, 2018

by Alison Green on March 24, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Amateur Marriage, by Anne Tyler. A multi-generational saga, all stemming from a marriage that probably shouldn’t have happened.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Grandma Mazur*

    Recommendations for young children’s books that deal with social issues?

    We have an eight-month-old to whom we read once or twice a day, and I’m getting a bit bored of books that are about dinosaurs and underpants. We just got Our Twitchy, about a rabbit who’s adopted by a cow and horse, from a charity shop, and it made me want to get other books that actually help raise awareness about the world, not just rhymes and vocabulary (we’ll still read those as well, but they’re easier to find without recommendations).

    So, what books would you recommend, covering topics such as adoption, trans issues, racism, bullying, death, etc, for very young children? I don’t mind that they won’t all be suitable for toddlers specifically, as I’d like to build up a library that stays useful for a good few years – I am a former academic and my husband’s an avid reader of fiction, so we’re planning that there’ll be have *a lot* of books in the child’s room – but the younger the age range the better at this stage.

    Thanks! (in a few years time, I’ll come back for YA fiction suggestions :-) )

    1. Truffles*

      Not sure if this fits the bill, but I’m a fan of the book Humans of New York Stories by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo series of people in the streets of New York, accompanied by quotes from each person. I find that the stories cover a diverse range of topics, and the photos could be interesting for a young child. There are a couple other books in the series that are more focused on photographs rather than quotes, but I prefer having the stories beside each photo. I enjoy Brandon’s blog, too. He regularly posts photos and interviews of people he’s encountered in his travels.

    3. JustAnotherLibrarian*

      My best recommendation is to go to your library and ask the youth librarian there. Some libraries separate out this kind of picture book nonfiction to make it easy to find and in some, it’s in with all the others and you have to do a search.
      I don’t know of anything for this age on trans issues. I recall a couple of good Mr. Rogers books on death, kindness (the opposite of bullying), and possibly different ways of becoming a family. (Might be out of print.) I always liked “The Skin You Live In” for racial differences. Many years ago I used “My Body is My Own” to cover “private parts” and consent-type ideas but there is probably something newer and better out there by now. I also like “For Every Child” which covers some of the principles of the Rights of the Child adopted by the UN.
      I applaud your regular reading but at 8 months, the topics might not matter as much as the closeness of a lapsit and your tone and affection while reading, which will give the child warm fuzzies related to the experience and set the stage for a love of reading later.
      Again, ask your local children’s librarian because she will be up on the latest research and the newer books. There is also the 1000 books before kindergarten movement…

      1. Cor*

        I like It’s Not Easy Being a Bunny. It’s about a bunny who doesn’t want to be a bunny anymore and tries being lots of other things before he realizes that bring a bunny is best after all. Not super deep, but a good message, I think.

        I remember the Berenstain Bears having books about sharing and bullying and such when I was growing up.

      2. MarianCSRA*

        Maybe Jacob’s New Dress by Sarah Hoffman: Jacob, who likes to wear dresses at home, convinces his parents to let him wear a dress to school, too.

      3. Another Anonymous Librarian*

        Seconding the 1k books before kindergarten program! We do a lot of it, and if your local library isn’t aware of it, I believe there’s an app. Your local children’s librarian will know good books, but I also recommend:
        Prince and Prince (and sequel, King & King)
        And Tango Makes Three
        Mommy, Mama, and Me
        It’s Okay to be Different
        The Feelings Book
        Pete the Cat (anything in this series is good)

    5. Jules the Third*

      These should all be available at every library:
      Heather Has Two Mommies is becoming a classic
      The Snowy Day or any Ezra Jack Keats helps normalize non-whiteness.
      Seuss’s Sneetches, Horton’s, Lorax are still great (I did purchase all these and read them to pieces)

      I also liked Max and the Tag-along Moon, and I linked to a curated list at Pragmatic Mom.

      1. Julianne*

        Peter’s Chair and A Whistle for Willy by Ezra Jack Keats are also great. I’d especially recommend Peter’s Chair for younger kids who are getting/got new siblings.

    6. MarianCSRA*

      Children’s librarian here. I like the Lola books by Anna McQuinn, Global Babies by The Global Fund for Babies, Yoko by Rosemary Wells, and Last Stop on Market Street by Matt de la Pena. There’s also a great blog called Everyday Diversity that has some good suggestions. School Library Journal also has a great list titled A Diverse Book List for the Under Five Set. You can find both easily in a Google search (which will also bring up a bunch of other helpful results).

      I also highly recommend asking for suggestions from the children’s librarian at your local public library.

    7. An*

      There’s “Good night stories for rebel girls”. You don’t have to be a girl to enjoy it, but it’s for children a bit older than yours. But it might be a good read in a couple of years, and it has incredible illustrations!

      There are some danish books about “Niller Pilfinger”, who is a child with two moms. It’s just a fact that he has two moms, and it’s never really discussed in the books. You might have to buy them online and in danish, but the words have been translated and can be found here; http://nillerpilfinger.dk/niller-pilfinger-in-english/

    8. Not That Jane*

      We found a list of children’s books to teach compassion. Three of my favorites from that list:
      – A Sick Day for Amos McGee (zoo animals visit their sick friend. Beautiful artwork)
      – A Chair for My Mother (non-traditional family dealing with the aftermath of a fire)
      – Out of the Blue (story in pictures about helping a stranded sea creature)

      1. Book Lover*

        A Sick Day for Amos McGee is absolutely gorgeous. I am always looking for more by the artist.

        Mem Fox – Whoever you are – is a nice one for the message, though the art isn’t my thing really.

        I recommend Emily Gravett to everyone with kids because her books are quirky and amazing, and her most recent, Old Hat is a good one for your purposes, I think.

      2. NoName*

        A Chair for My Mother was the book in one of my favorite episodes of Reading Rainbow ever! (The episode focuses on teamwork. It’s a cheesy episode with a dance/musical number about fighting a fire. But it is the one that seemed to be on every time I turned on PBS growing up, and it always makes me nostalgic.)

      3. Not That Jane*

        Oh, I should add another one! It’s called How Smudge Came. The main character is an adult woman with an intellectual disability who works for a hospice center. Touches on death, loss, difference, difficult feelings. Plus an adorable puppy and a heartwarming ending.

    9. Greed is something we don't need*

      Not a book but there’s movies and tv shows that focus on gay and trans issues for children more, one that comes to mind is Queer kid stuff on YouTube

    10. Canadian Natasha*

      I love the picture book Wolfie the Bunny by Ame Dyckman. (A bunny family adopts a baby wolf and the big sister bunny doesn’t like her new brother at first. It could be a good starting point to talk about different kinds of families and belonging as well as the problems with stereotypes and making assumptions about people)

    11. Peanut*

      How My Parents Learned to Eat by Ina Friedman. A great picture book, explaining how the (interracial) narrator’s parents tried to learn how the other eats (one with chopsticks, the other with a knife and fork) when they met. Not heavy handed at all, and a lot is told through the pictures.

    12. Grandma Mazur*

      Thanks for all the great suggestions so far!

      I also have asked for recommendations for German books too, as we’re bringing him up bilingually (it’s hard work!). I already have two “German classics” – both are actually translated from other languages (Hungry Caterpillar and Frederick) – but would be keen to hear what others have enjoyed…

      3. Someone*

        Michael Ende and Paul Maar are two classic German children’s authors that shouldn’t miss in any good German children’s book collection.

        Michael Ende is wise and thoughtfull as well as funny – e.g. “Momo” (one of my all-time favourite books) is just as suitable for adults. “Jim Knopf” is noticeably old-fashioned but still a nice read.

        Paul Maar is very funny and witty and loves to play with words. I can’t imagine a child not liking “Das Sams”. For smaller children learning to read and write, “Der Buchstabenfresser” is nice, too.

        But for both authors you should absolutely check their other books, too. They are classics for a reason.

        Other nice books for younger children:
        “Die kleine Hexe”
        “Das kleine Quadrat” (best if done with the corresponding origami)

        1. Someone*

          Oh, and I just googled and skimmed the books for books that sound familiar…
          “Der Regenbogenfisch” is good, too (no idea about it’s origin – is it popular in other countries, too?)
          “Das kleine Gespenst”
          “Vom kleinen Maulwurf, der wissen wollte, wer ihm auf den Kopf gemacht hat” is not socially educating, and I never read it myself, but I couldn’t help learning that this is a popular children’s book

          1. Grandma Mazur*

            Excellent suggestions – Der Regenbogenfisch we’ve borrowed from the local German playgroup’s collection, and I have Momo (in English) and Jim Knopf (in German) – but I don’t know the others and hadn’t heard of Paul Maar, so this is very exciting. Thanks!

            1. Someone*

              And I just remembered that when I was a child, we had a box full of “Pixi-Bücher”.
              They’re an entire series of small picture books with different protagonists/story lines (I remember Conni and Pixi).

            2. Someone*

              Paul Maar is really an excellent author – the only thing between him and world fame is his insistence on playing with language (and it’s his strength, too). Most of his books would be impossible to translate – they have a plot hinging on misunderstandings at the very least, and frequently the word games form the entire plot.
              E.g. the Sams is a creature that only appears after a days have been “true to their meaning” for a full week – as in, Sun on Sunday, visit by Mr. Mon on Monday, work on Tuesday (Dienst), middle of the week on Wednesday (Mitt(e)), thunder on Thursday (Donner), no work on Friday (frei) – then, on Saturday (Samstag), the Sams will be there! Granting wishes that use up the blue dots in it’s face. Making silly rhymes and deliberately misunderstanding obnoxious people.
              …even the basic plot can’t be explained without translating the words. But it is definitely a very fun series (I would totally read the books again if I happened be alone in a room with them).

              Somehow a background process has been running in the back of my head for the entire day, scanning my childhood memories for more books.

              “Die Olchis” – building on the fact that many children are fascinated with yucky things – the Olchis live in a dumpster, eat garbage and get sic from normal food. I remember liking a book from that series.

              “Lurchi” – in fact an elaborate marketing scheme targeted at children. It markets shoes. But it has gained cult status, and personally I have to say that the marketing aspect went right over my head (if you don’t KNOW it’s shoes from a special company, it’s just special shoes). The series is a nice read; and the older, classic books are written in rhymes which make them very suitable for reading them aloud.

            3. NiceOrc*

              I can see why The Rainbow Fish is popular, and I like the theme of sharing, but I can’t help reading it as a story of a fish who was told it should give away everything that made it special and stand out, and make everyone else look great while it fades into the background of ordinariness. But I’m a cynical old bag so that’s just my take! I like The very quiet cricket by Eric Carle, and I’m Here by Peter Reynolds. But just reading to your child is the best thing you can do. When my children were babies the bedtime story was usually whatever I was reading (textbooks, fantasy, etc) but the tone of voice was most important. Stories read during the day were more of a conversation about the book, not just reading TO my child. You’re right that if you’re bored by the books, your child will probably pick up on that too. Have fun – a story and a cuddle were always our favourite times!

        2. Jane of all Trades*

          Absolutely agree that Paul Maar is fantastic. I also recommend das kleine Gespenst and die kleine Hexe as well as the Ritter Rost series. Also Astrid lindgrens books, translated into German, are fantastic, for younger children her books Tomte Tummetot and the Matilda series are great. I also recommend James Krüss for older children, eg der Leuchtturm auf den Hummerklippen. Also Janosch.
          And for English language books that touch upon social issues, maybe take a look at “a mighty girl” – they have a lot of recommend readings on a lot of issues!

      4. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        I also grew up bilingual and just loved translated Calvin and Hobbes comics! And Asterix and Obelisk (sp?)

      5. LK03*

        We’re doing bilingual German/English too — my daughter is almost 2, but we’ve been collecting books since she was tiny. My partner (he’s the German-speaking one…it’s his second language but he lived in Germany for several years) gets recommendations from German parenting blogs and so on. Two favorites so far are by the author/illustrator pair Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler — they’re translated from English, but apparently popular in Germany — Der Grueffelo (The Gruffalo) and Fuer Hund und Katz ist auch noch Platz (Room on the Broom). We’ve also really liked some non-fiction science books from Ravensburger that are large-format but made of stiff paper, with tabs and flaps to open and look behind. We’ve got one on the weather and one on the parts of the body, so far.

        By the way, for German kids’ music — we’re not TV people at all and our kid’s only screen time is Skype with relatives, but my partner was familiar with the German TV show “Die Sendung mit der Maus” from when he lived in Germany, and ordered a whole set of CDs from the show. They are mostly music but with some spoken-word storytelling, too. I think the music is great, not annoying to listen to repeatedly at all, and our kid loves them too (though she hasn’t been as interested in the spoken-word stories as in the songs so far). My German isn’t very good, so the German board books and all the Maus CDs are good for me too!

        1. Someone*

          “Die Sendung mit der Maus” is definitely a very integral part of German upbringing. The “Käpt’n Blaubär” stories are particularly good, other popular stories are “Der kleine Maulwurf” and “Der kleine Eisbär”.
          “Löwenzahn” is another well-known TV show aimed at children, and also educational.

          Other non-book-media I’d recommend are the audio dramas(plays?) “Benjamin Blümchen” and “Bibi Blocksberg”.
          When I was a bit older I also liked to read the children’s science magazine GEOlino.

          A book which I remembered while writing this because we had it as an audio book: “Herr Klingsor konnte ein bisschen zaubern”.

          1. Grandma Mazur*

            Thanks for all these ideas! I loved the Bibi Blocksberg stories as a kid (I still have the cassettes, but no means of playing them) – but I think they’re on You Tube…

        2. Jane of all Trades*

          For audio you might also enjoy Rolf Zukowski’s children’s songs. A lot of them are classics at this point!
          Also “Augsburger Puppenkiste”

      6. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

        Briefe von Felix and its sequels! I loved those because the letters Felix sends are in the books in actual envelopes and it was so fun to open them as a kid and take out the ‘handwritten’ letters!

    13. Kuododi*

      I adore “The Paper bag Princess” as a book for empowering younger girls. Unfortunately I’m drawing a blank on the author… I’m sure someone out there will be able to jump in and help!!!

      1. Aealias*

        Robert Munsch.

        His “Love you forever” and “Lighthouse” are wonderful stories about ageing and loss. They both make me cry, but my kids love them.

        All the other Munsch books are rollicking and silly and strongly recommended. The illustrations are based on pictures of specific actual kids, after whom the characters are named, so there’s some diversity. (Michael Martchenko, who does most of the illustrations, is brilliant.) They’re not generally about social issues, though.

        For babies and toddlers, I can’t shout loudly enough for “No Matter What,” by Debi Gliori, a simple board book about toddlers moods and unconditional love. I like that neither character is gendered, so the story’s a bit more universal.

        1. Totally Minnie*

          “Love You Forever” tends to be one of those love it or hate it books (full disclosure, I’m in category 2), but Robert Munsch’s work is generally really fun to read, especially out loud.

          1. Sparkly Librarian*

            Plus, all of his books are read aloud — by him! — and available for free on his website (linked in my name)

          2. Elizabeth H.*

            I’m definitely in the second camp too. It’s horrifying and I wouldn’t allow it into my house, LOL.

    14. Melody Pond*

      I’m surprised no one’s mentioned this one yet!

      John Oliver, from Last Week Tonight on HBO, just released a children’s book called “A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo” (like, released it within the last week). He’s basically trolling Mike Pence with it. The Pence family has a legitimately awesome pet rabbit named Marlon Bundo, and John Oliver released his book on the exact same day that the Pence family released their children’s book called “Marlon Bundo’s Day in the Life of the Vice President”.

      John Oliver’s book tells the story of Marlon Bundo meeting and falling in love with another boy rabbit, and them wanting to get married. Apparently there’s a big stink bug in the book who is very against them getting married because they are both boys. And the stink bug bears a striking resemblance to a certain vice president of ours. :)

      I haven’t read it yet, but was thinking of buying it. Apparently it was way more popular than they expected, so they actually sold out, but they are reprinting another large batch of books which will be ready in a few weeks. It’s available on Amazon, and I believe the proceeds are all going to The Trevor Project and AIDS United.

      1. Windchime*

        I was going to suggest this book as well. It looks like a lovely children’s book and the proceeds go to a good cause. I’m planning to order one for a family member who will be having a baby very soon.

      2. Typhon Worker Bee*

        I listened to the audiobook version on Thursday and it was delightful! It was read by Jim Parsons, with some other celebrity guest appearances too. I might order a hard copy later, for the illustrations – assuming they make it available in Canada soon.

    15. HannahB*

      Where to start! I’m a elementary school teacher, and I use picture books all the time to illustrate theme, or address an issue.
      – Not a Narwhal
      – Paper bag Princess by Robert Munsch. A kick ass princess defeats the dragon with smarts and rescues the prince.
      – And Tango Makes Three. About the gay penguins at the NYC zoo.

      You are entering a wonderful world! Find a good independent book store and fall down the rabbit hole!

      1. Totally Minnie*

        Not only does the Paper Bag Princess rescue her prince from the dragon, she also decides that it’s not a good idea to marry a person who doesn’t respect her. I love that.

    16. HannahS*

      And Tango Makes Three is about the true story of two male penguins who adopted an egg and raised a baby penguin together. The pictures are lovely watercolours.

    17. Ranon*

      There’s a micropress called Flamingo Rampant that puts out “feminist, racially-diverse, LGBTQ positive children’s books” – we’re still at the board book stage in my house, but I’ve heard great things about their books: https://flamingorampant.com

    18. Rookie Manager*

      A book about grief is Dogged by Shirley Hughes. Absolutely beautiful illustrations and a way to talk about loss that kids can really relate too. 8 months might be a bit early though! ;)

    19. only acting normal*

      Books I’ve bought for nieces and nephews and been sorely tempted to keep for myself. Probably most are suitable for when they’re a little bit older.
      “Dogs don’t do ballet” by Anna Kemp (following dreams / assumptions based on appearances about who can do what)
      “My little book of big freedoms” by Chris Riddell (Universal Human Rights Act)
      “Black Dog” by Levi Pinfold (unwarranted fear of the unknown)
      “Aesop’s Fables” illustrated by Helen Ward (also written by her: “Tin Forest” and “Varmints” are about ecological threat)

      1. Julianne*

        There exists a book called Giraffes Don’t Dance (or maybe Can’t Dance) that I think is similar to your first suggestion. I haven’t read it, but a few of my colleagues who teach K and 1st use it.

    21. Paris Geller*

      I’m a Youth Services Librarian, so these kinds of questions are what I field daily. Ones I typically recommend:

      The Family Book & It’s Okay to Be Different by Todd Parr
      Harriet Gets Carried Away by Jessie Sima (this one is very new!)
      A is for Activist (board book)
      Red: A Crayon’s Story by Michael Hall (this is one that has a lot of trans themes)
      Worm Loves Worm by J.J. Austrian
      Introducing Teddy by Jess Walton
      Stella Brings the Family by Miriam Schiffer
      This Day in June by Gayle E Pitman (book about Pride that is definitely geared very young with few words per page)
      One Family by George Shannon
      Home at Last by Vera Williams

    22. Indoor Cat*

      Hmm. When I was a kiddo, I had quite a few books that were about social / relationship issues that had a good message while still being playful rather than preachy (no kid likes a lecture, even if it has pictures).

      –“Officer Buckle and Gloria” by Peggy Newman. The message? Some people’s talent is obvious and rewarded; other talents are more hidden and less applauded. But everyone should use their talents together to make the world better, rather than compete and compare ourselves to one another. The illustrations are amazing and hilarious, and it won a well-deserved Caldecott award in 1994.

      –“The Little House” by Virginia Lee Burton. The message: Constantly wanting “more, more, more!” and “new, new, new!” makes us neglect and overlook perfectly good old things. An explicit anti-pollution, pro-recycling message, and an implicit ‘respect your culture’s traditions even if they’re not cool’ message.

      –“Corduroy” by Don Freeman. My favorite picture book with a black girl co-protagonist. The message: You don’t have to be perfect to be loveable, and you don’t need to judge yourself by the standards of the people “in charge.”

      –“If You’re Not Here, Please Raise Your Hand” by Kali Dakos. Connected poems that tell stories about kids in a classroom. Some are about serious issues, like a girl who is being raised by foster parents. Some are about smaller serious issues, like a girl who is fat and asks her teacher if she’ll be ‘thin and beautiful’ when she grows up, and the teacher has a wise answer. And some are just funny.

      When I got a bit older, like 6-7 age, I started reading a *ton* of books, through the library, about history and zoology. All the zoobooks and NatGeo Kids and Discovery books had explicit environmental messages along the lines of, “This cool animal you just read about? It’s on the BRINK OF EXTINCTION.” Which definitely made an impact in what I did with my life, a lot more than any general pro-environment book.

      There are tons of kid-appropriate historical stories, (Dear America series, for example; I was also very into Harriet Tubman and Sacagawea in second grade, and pretty much every report or project I did that year involved one of them) which, like the zoobooks, made me care about social issues a lot more than a story with an obvious moral lesson re: treating people with respect.

    23. fposte*

      Where are you located, GM? The “charity shop” locution suggests you’re not in the US, so some of the books us US folks suggest might not be available to you. Hopefully your local library still is, though.

      Some things to consider beyond the message: one, the age of the books. For instance, Heather Has Two Mommies had its groundbreaking place in 1994, but it’s not, IMHO, a great book even after revisions have improved it; there are more and better picturebooks now about kids with same-sex parents. Hold out for a good book, not just a good message. Two: think also about representation–books like Snowy Day and, if you’re in the UK, Amazing Grace are really nice, but they’re books by white people about black kids. Make sure that your diversity isn’t only in what’s represented but also in who the creative talent is–black people make books about black kids too :-).

      If you have access to US books, every year the American Library Association has awards in several relevant categories for you: there’s the Coretta Scott King Awards, for books about the African American experience; the Pura Belpré Awards, for books about the Latinx experience; and the Schneider Family Book Award, for books about the disability experience. It’s easy to find lists of previous award winners (you might even be able to search in Amazon for the award names); while not every book is a long-term great, it’s a good way to find books focusing on representations that you won’t always see foregrounded elsewhere.

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        I had no idea Ezra Jack Keats was white – that’s crazy. (I used to work as children’s book specialist at a bookstore so I am especially shocked) I was actually about to comment *correcting* you but looked it up first!

          1. Bibliovore*

            And if you are looking for great “Keatsian” type books, there is the Ezra Jack Keats Award from the Keats Foundation identifying new writers and illustrators.

      3. Grandma Mazur*

        Am in the UK but am guessing all books are accessible via inter-library loan if one can wait awhile! Thanks for the point about representation – hadn’t occurred to me although it really should have. Will pay attention to this.

    24. Anonymous bookworm*

      Try a magazine subscription from Cricket Media. They have a variety of magazines for different ages, and the stories and art are from all over the world. Some of the characters carry over from issue to issue. They start with BabyBug, for the under 3 set, then have two lines after that, one more literary, and one more science-based. I think you can ask for single issues from them, to see if you like it. I got them as a kid from my grandmother and loved them, and have given them to nieces and nephews.

    25. Yetanotherjennifer*

      If you happen to have a boy, one of the most radical things you can do, apparently, is read him stories with a female protagonist. It’s generally accepted that girls will read books from anyone’s point of view while boys can only read books with a male protagonist.

      And I hear you on the dinosaurs, but “the day dinosaurs came with everything” is delightful.

    26. It’s All Good*

      Most of the Dr Suess books hold a child’s attention because of the fun words and pictures. Then when they are older you can discuss the message behind them. In example – the Sneeches, which can go either way for racism or classism.

      I miss the days of reading everyday with babies and toddlers. I swear our kids have empathy partly because of all the reading we exposed them to.

    27. Totally Minnie*

      “I am a Baby” by Kathryn Madeleine Allen is a good one. It’s got photographs instead of illustrations, and it shows a wide array of family compositions. There’s also “A Mother for Choco,” which is a metaphor for foster care and cross-racial adoption.

    28. Nacho*

      Only one I can really think of is Heather Has Two Mommies, because it got a fair amount of press a while ago.

    29. Amtelope*

      I agree with many of these recs! As a lesbian mom, I think Heather Has Two Mommies was important and groundbreaking, but I would choose newer books to introduce the idea of diverse families today. Heather Has Two Mommies is very much about Heather having two mommies, and that’s not something that today I would necessarily introduce to a young kid as weird/unusual/noteworthy, rather than as a normal way some families are. (And it was mostly baffling to my daughter, who as a preschooler mostly knew other kids with two mommies, and couldn’t figure out why this was interesting.)

    30. InternWrangler*

      The Ten Good Things about Barney is about grief and loss.
      Amazing Grace is a beautiful story that celebrates diversity.
      Father Bruce is delightful, easily one of my favorite books.
      Ira sleeps over is a great book that talks about anxiety without expecting people to be brave.

    31. Anono-me*

      The Golden Treasure by Maryke Reesink.
      It deals with selfishness and entitlement and what makes something truly valuable. The illustrations by artist Jaap Tor are incredible. It is an older book and you would probably need to buy it online second hand, but I think that it is beautiful art and a beautiful story.

    32. LilySparrow*

      Well, my theory is that if you instill the right principles, the issues sort themselves out. And most “issue oriented” little kids’ books I’ve seen are either cheesy or horribly pedantic. Social issues rarely benefit from the oversimplification toddlers and preschoolers need.

      One principle-oriented one I like is “Like likes like” by Chris Rashka.
      It’s about a little cat who can’t find a friend, but spends time seeing how beautiful the world is, and then finds another cat to enjoy it with. The pictures and language are lovely. I didn’t see any social message in it, but some bigoted relatives got very upset, variously claiming it “promoted homosexuality” or “promoted interracial relationships.” So there’s that.

      “Corduroy” and “The Snowy Day” are classics with children of color as protagonists, having normal kid lives.
      I think it’s important to raise kids to think of everyone as having the same kind of feelings and needs as themselves, not just as a backdrop to an issue. That’s another downside to a lot of the “issue” kids books I’ve seen. They often leave a taste in my mouth as if the protagonist is a symbol instead of a person the young reader can identify with.

    34. Amy*

      My 19-month old loves “The Worst Princess,” which is a picture book about a princess who breaks gender norms and basically becomes a mini Danerys Targaryen (with dragon). It’s cute and funny.

      Another favorite is “Alphabet Family Band” which isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but is about a Hawaiian family singing the alphabet. There are surprisingly few books that have characters who are all people of color, and this is a good one.

      She’s grown out of it a bit now, but “The Sounds Around Town” was a huge favorite for a while. It features people of different races speaking different languages.

      We tried “She Persisted” but it didn’t hold her attention – I think she’s just too young for it. We also tried the “Little Feminist Board Book Set” which features women leaders from around the world and is unbelievably cute, but she didn’t really get into it even though it’s made for the baby/toddler set. YMMV.

      Good luck, and thanks for starting this thread – I’m going to steal some of these suggestions!

    35. Fireye2*

      Favorites of mine that haven’t already been mentioned include:
      “Her Right Foot” by Dave Eggers
      “Maybe Something Beautiful: How Art Transformed A Neighborhood” by F. Isabel Campoy
      “A Chair For My Mother” by Vera B. Williams
      and when they are older “Escape from Aleppo” by N.H. Senzai are my recommendations.

      Try using “Social Justice” in your searching and you’ll find a ton of books on all sorts of topics that will help lead you!

    36. Tuna Casserole*

      1. Any book by Robert Munsch
      2. Hands are not for Hitting by Martine Agassi
      3. Feminist Baby by Loryn Brantz
      4. Rosa Loves Dinosaurs by Jessica Spanyol
      5. Two Dads: A book about adoption by Carolyn Robertson
      6. Zack the Prairie Dog: A Prairie Tale to Promote Autism Awareness and the Acceptance of Differences, in Yourself and in Others by S. Charles Decker

    37. LilySparrow*

      I just remembered the “ordinary people change the world” series by Brad Meltzer. Little biographies of historical figures as children, really fun illustrations. I’d say they’d work as a read-aloud for older toddlers and preschoolers and up, or a self-read for newly independent readers. He’s got an interesting selection of subjects and pulls out details that would be interesting to kids (like Amelia Earhart building a giant bobsled, basically, to launch herself in the air.

      He’s got Ghandi, Jane Goodall, MLKJr, Lucille Ball, Jackie Robinson, and lots more. I think the series is still growing.

    38. Mephyle*

      Elijah of Buxton by Christopher Paul Curtis. A wonderful story of a young boy who has to learn some lessons about proper behaviour, but when he is challenged by a great adventure, he steps up and acts responsibly. It is also a historical novel about the African diaspora in U.S. and Canada. Elements include slavery, the Underground Railroad and the meaning of freedom.

    39. ket*

      I just got “Please, Baby, Please” by Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee. It doesn’t actually address what you’re asking for, but it’s adorable and addresses the day-to-day and features a black family.

      For something “deeper” I’ve actually been reading old rhyming poetry and old fairy tales/stories for kids from the 1940s, etc. The rhyming poetry seems soothing to my kid even if it’s Anne Bradstreet talking about death or Edgar Allen Poe talking about bells (I mean death). The old stories have heroes and heroines who trick people and do dodgy things. They’re about getting enough food to eat and avoiding death, rather than about self-esteem. It’s an interesting change of pace.

      “A Different Pond” by Bao Phi and Thi Bui has gotten very good reviews — they were out when I looked at the bookstore. Father-son fishing story that’s about beginning a new life as a refugee, leaving Vietnam, fishing for food not just recreation, but none of it in a preachy or heavy-handed way — just in a quiet and reflective story.

    41. Pol*

      My parents would read me The Lupine Lady from age 1.5 or so, it really affected my view on generational inheritance. Might require more vacabulary, however (I’m not sure- they would translate it for me, as we don’t speak English at home)

      Just another ordinary day (Rod Clement) is hilarious. It doesn’t deal with social issues, though. It’s mostly absurd with picture-text contrasts (the story is very banal, the pictures show a much wilder reality. I guess you could use it to illustrate how the terms you choose to describe something are themselves a judgement, but that is also for older ages than 8 months. Though, awesome pictures)

      1. bunners*

        Oh man, the Lupine Lady is properly called Miss Rumphius and it’s by Barbara Cooney. I was actually going to mention it if nobody else did. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this book it’s about a girl/woman named Alice who is carrying on her grandfather’s legacy of traveling to far away places, coming home to live by the sea, and (this is the kicker) making the world a more beautiful place. It had a massive influence on my understanding of a person’s ability to influence the world *and* the importance of caring for the planet.

        Last year my family started carrying homemade seed bombs and small bags of native Californian wildflowers with a focus on bee and butterfly friendly seeds (super heavy on the milkweed – Monarch butterflies depend on that plant for almost everything and as the plant vanishes so do Monarch butterflies) and whenever we went on a walk or hike we’d “do a Miss Rumphius” and sow seeds. The areas we planted last year are starting to grow now and some of the flowers are blooming – and you’ve never seen a more excited 5 year old than mine when she saw the first patch of poppies she’d planted.

        Caveats: it’s a little advanced for a toddler – I’d say it’s a 4 and up book? Also, it’s from 1982 and is set in the late 1800s/early 1900s and there’s a little “far away places = exotic natives” subtext (although in my family we’ve always used that bit as a moment to talk about learning from other cultures and what do we consider far away places? And then we get out the globe – we’re currently learning about Iceland because of this tactic and my child deeming it “the far-est away place” and are planning a family holiday there. Homeschooling as a way of life!)

    42. SharedDriveUser*

      Ping – set in China, Ping is lost and has to find the way home. It’s a classic story that speaks to children of all ages/types/groups. All of us feel lost and abandoned at some time! And my stepson loved it, gave multiple copies to friends who adopted/fostered children of different races and/or national origin.

    43. OtterB*

      Not yet mentioned:

      Lifetimes, by Mellonie and Ingpen, about death. It talks about how everything has a beginning and an ending, and in between is living.

      Raising Dragons by Jerdine Nolen. The fact that the little girl who raises the dragon from an egg is black is not central to the story. The message has to do with family love and becoming yourself, with hard work along the way.

      (Not a picture book, but a little later) Ursula Vernon’s Hamster Princess books have great fun overturning some of the classic fairy tale tropes, and Harriet Hamsterbone is not going to put off by any expectations about what princesses are supposed to do. Vernon’s Dragonbreath books are also good kid fun.

    44. cleo*

      Ashley Bryan’s ABC of African American Poetry – beautifully illustrated sampler of African American poetry.

    46. Autumn anon*

      Sophie Labelle writes and draws comics about trans kids. It’s mostly a webcomic, but she definitely has printed books that contain the same cast of characters but different stories which could work for you, and I would definitely recommend her for trans issues. Her main motivation was to make stories for trans people about trans people by a trans person who gets it (her) rather than a cis person who may try but might not understand fully, but apparently they’re really educational for cis people too. I’m not sure how good they’d be for very young children, but they’re not really complicated so they might work for children over five or six? I think they’d at least be worth looking at to see what you think.

    47. Pathfinder Ryder*

      When the kid gets a bit older, Disability in Kidlit (middle grade and young adult) and Rich in Color (YA) are great resources for book suggestions and reviews.

    48. dragonzflame*

      There’s one that I guess is a bit heavy, but a really important theme, called Uncle Willy’s Tickles – it’s about bodily autonomy and a child’s right to say no. Uncle tickles a kid a lot, kid doesn’t like it, tells mum, they find a way to respectfully ask uncle to stop, uncle says sure, no problem.

      I also like The Princess and the Pony by Kate Beaton (she of the Hark! A Vagrant webcomics) – it’s a funny, silly story but I see a lot of good messages in it about doing the best with what you’ve got etc (unless I’m reading into it too much).

    49. Phy*

      Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers depicts families of all ages, genders, and races but its not specifically about social issues.

    50. Kat*

      for really little kids I would recommend “Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes” (all about diversity and how babies are different but still so alike), and “Everywhere Babies” which has awesome diversity both in the text and in the pictures. And both are geared towards babies specifically. Both of mine have loved them.

  2. Nancy*

    Where to get maternity clothes? Have no relatives or friends who can give me hand-me-downs. I’ve checked thredup and there’s nothing. I also went to Motherhood Maternity and tried some on. They don’t carry sizes big enough for me (I’m a 16 or 18 pants size and a 1x for shirts). I’ve tried just buying bigger pants but they don’t fit the belly! Help!

    1. LK03*

      One useful thing, at least for the first few months, is a belly band — like “Bella Band” or similar. It’s kind of like a cummerbund made of stretchy material that goes over the waistband of your pants so you can leave your pants unbuttoned or unzipped and the profile is still (mostly) smooth.

      Other than that, I had luck finding maternity clothes and just some sized-up elastic-waist pants (some of which were okay for my business-casual work wear) at my local Goodwill-type charity shop. But I know those can vary a lot by area.

    2. Jules the First*

      Facebook marketplace, freecycle, Craigslist are all decent options. Garage sales or jumble sales also sonetimes come up trumps.

      You can also ask around at your church or community centre to see if they know anyone who is looking to offload some lightly used maternity wear.

    3. Cor*

      I got mine at a Just Between Friends sale. (jbfsale dot com). It’s like a pop up consignment sale held in big cities. It’s mostly toys and kids clothes, but there’s some maternity. There’s nowhere to try on the clothes and the stock is limited to whatever women are purging from the closets that season, but that’s where I got all my stuff (you don’t really need that many items after all).

      Stitch Fix is now doing maternity too!

    4. Temperance*

      Check your local thrift store! Maternity clothes are one of the most often donated things, because they have a limited use.

    5. Anonaternity*

      Some Motherhood stores carry plus sizes; their website might be helpful finding which does. I ordered some stuff from JC Penney online, but I don’t know if they have any in stores. I think old Navy might also have stuff, online only.

    6. MidlifeStudent*

      It appears that both Motherhood and Torrid carry your size. Have you checked there? Having some solid staple pieces that you pay more for can be very valuable, then “making do” with stretch knit dresses, long shirts, yoga pants, etc. I never wore maternity pants much. I hated their fit. Instead I wore yoga pants with the waist folded under my belly with a long shirt overtop. The knit belly bands are nice to cover any belly exposure, and later in your pregnancy the stronger ones help reduce strain on your ligaments. (I do wish someone had told me about the supportive ones.)

      I have seen ThredUp carry maternity, so maybe check occasionally for some in your size.

    7. Amtelope*

      Target has a reasonably-priced maternity line that goes up to XXL, both in stores and online.

    8. Intel Analyst Shell*

      I’m the same size as you and had my baby 4 months ago. I lived in Walmart or Target clothes.

    9. LibbyG*

      Some of those stores for used kid clothes have a maternity section. Good luck! A couple good pairs of pants will do a lot for comfort in late pregnancy!

    10. It’s All Good*

      Congratulations! I wore knit yoga pants that had a folded wide band. My MM had Plus sizes so I was able to get two pants from there. Tops were 2/3x regular tops.

    11. Thursday Next*

      eBay—look for mat clothes sold in a “lot” in your size. And Target has pretty good stuff.

    12. Lima9472*

      If you live in a city, check if there’s a local parents listserv where people sell or give away kids items and mat. clothes, etc. I’ve gotten most of my maternity clothes (and kids’ clothes) that way.

    13. Amy*

      Target and Old Naaaaavy! I bought almost all my maternity gear from them. Yes, they’re cheap and not super high quality, but you’re only going to wear the clothes for a short time. They have stylish options and many of the shirts also double as nursing tops for after the baby is born (and your stomach hasn’t deflated yet). Plus, if you’re nursing in a shirt, you really don’t want it to be a nice garment because there will be bodily fluids of all kinds everywhere.

      I visited a few maternity boutiques like Pea in the Pod and found their stuff really overpriced given the fact that I wouldn’t be wearing it for more than about 6 months.

      Also – you’ll find a lot more online than in brick and mortar stores.

    14. Anona*

      I got a lot of stuff at a children’s consignment sale. They have a lot in the spring and the fall, often advertised on Facebook.

    15. valentine*

      Ashley Stewart has good spandex pieces. Order various sizes to try, but beware of final-sale pieces ($x.97, I think), as they’re not returnable. Jessica London/Woman Within/Roaman’s are an online/catalog family, with JL having the smaller sizes.

  3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Tw: food issues, disordered eating

    Advice for dating a picky eater?

    New boyfriend has admitted to being one, and it’s messing with my head a bit. I have GI issues, non-GI health issues that require specific diet modifications (sometimes mutually exclusive ones *sigh*), and several food intolerances and vitamin deficiencies. Additionally, while I doubt my symptoms are severe enough to actually get me diagnosed with an eating disorder, I have some major issues around what I eat, when I eat, who gets to see me eat, etc. And a lot of my really “safe” foods are either hideously expensive or much more difficult to find here in the UK, so things have been extra stressful. In conclusion, when I was single, I spent a lot of time thinking about food in generally unpleasant ways.

    And I think his picky eating might just be a bit too much for me. I don’t want to break up with him, but I really feel like having more information about what he eats might help (and maybe sharing some of my own issues; he doesn’t seem to mind if I eat when he’s not, but I have a hard enough time eating around other people when they’re also eating, and I’ve been accidentally skipping a lot of meals because he hasn’t wanted to eat). How can I talk about this with him? I don’t want to shame him or blame him because it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t like his pickiness and wishes he could eat more, but things as they are right now are unsustainable for me in the long run.

    1. Fiennes*

      I’m not sure what it is about his eating that’s troubling you. It sounds like he doesn’t police what or when you eat—is that correct? If so, what specifically makes his pickiness hard on you? That sounds like a key element here.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Some of it is the uncertainty–I often don’t know what I’m going to be able to eat from day to day, and my safest foods are things he doesn’t eat. I also feel really uncomfortable eating in front of other people, especially when I’m the only one eating. I also just don’t want to make him uncomfortable–he hasn’t expressed any feelings about my eating something he doesn’t like in front of him, but how do I know he’s not thinking it even though he’s not saying it?

        What’s been happening is that most of our dates have been 12+ hours recently, covering one or more mealtimes, and because our dates are less food-based than when I’ve been with other people, I just kind of…don’t think to eat? Which isn’t good for me (and, to be fair, is something I struggled with when I was single too–I’d often skip lunch when I was working a 9-5). So 95% of it is just me being weird about it and having my own food issues, but I think having a more indepth conversation about it might make things easier for me. I’m not going to try to encourage him to eat more variety or anything. I just feel kind of overwhelmed by the addition of his food issues to mine, if that makes sense.

        1. Fiennes*

          I don’t think this is a picky eating issue; I think it’s a communication issue. Anyone you regularly spend 12+ hours with will sometimes not be hungry when you are. Also, most of the time, that would be a relationship that was becoming fairly intimate. So I think that if you can open up to him about this, that’s the real solution. The two of you need to come up with ways to cope that work for you both —and if he’s not capable of understanding this and handling it maturely, better for you to know now. Good luck to you both.

        2. KayEss*

          You are thinking about this a lot… is he devoting even a tenth of the emotional energy to this problem that you are? If not, you may have to write this one off as incompatibility. You can be incompatible without one of you being a bad person. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes that’s just life.

          As a picky eater myself, the number one thing that is important for me to feel comfortable with regards to eating with people is that they not comment on or even notice my relationship with individual foods and food in general. I really can’t list what foods I guaranteed will or won’t eat, and TBH thinking about it makes me internally lock up with anxiety. If you and I were dating, knowing that you can’t eat unless I’m eating and were also monitoring my reactions to your food would stress me out a ton and we’d probably be better off breaking up. And that’s okay! That’s just what you need and what I (your boyfriend?) need being incompatible.

          Remember that he has navigated a world of food he dislikes for long enough to become an adult. The only food I’ve ever had to ask my partner to not consume in front of me is canned tuna, because the smell makes me gag, and I was perfectly capable of using my words to negotiate that with him. (Now, if canned tuna was a vital part of a restricted diet for him, it might have rightfully been a huge issue! That pesky incompatibility of needs again.)

          I wish you the best of luck, but seriously, stop shouldering all the work and anxiety about this yourself. You need food to live. You don’t need this dude to live.

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Eh, we’ve been together for about three months, so the jury’s still out about long-term compatibility. :P I have no idea how much he’s thinking about it other than my general impression that he seems to be uncomfortable with his eating habits and a few things he’s done (that I don’t want to elaborate on for anonymity purposes) that make me think he’s thinking about it a lot, too, even if we’re not discussing it.

            If we’d been together for longer, I’d be more comfortable eating in front of him–I’ll eat in front of family and close friends when they’re not eating, but I’d probably have to be literally about to die before I’d eat in front of a non-eating coworker, and even then I might stress some about it afterwards. It’s very much a Level of Intimacy for me, and I guess I’m not sure if I’m there yet with him or not.

            I do want to push back on one thing, though. It seems like you’re ascribing more conscious intent to my thought processes than there really is here. I’m not thinking like this for fun or specifically because of him, although the anxiety is greater than with a coworker or friend because of the more intense relationship.

            1. KayEss*

              I apologize for sounding overly critical. I’m mostly trying to push back strongly against two underlying cultural assumptions I’m detecting in what you’ve said:

              1) “You are responsible for your partner’s food satisfaction.” This is especially insidious for women with male partners (which may or may not apply to you) and is what I’m trying to get at with the “is he thinking about this as much as you are?” question. You express anxiety over what he feels about the food you are eating–the food you need to eat–when it doesn’t sound like he has indicated at all that it’s a problem. By all means, you can have a conversation about that… but then you do kind of have to trust him that he’ll step forward with any issues. If that’s not going to be possible, it sounds like a lot of stress.

              (Also, is he demonstrating a similar level of care and consideration of your feelings and preferences in this and other areas of your relationship, at three months in? Does he notice that you’re skipping meals when you’re with him? The answers to those questions will provide you important information one way or the other.)

              2) “Food/meal compatibility is not a factor worthy of consideration in relationships.” You are (hopefully) going to eat tens of thousands of meals in your lifetime. You absolutely, 100% deserve to not be on edge during all of them. Or even 1/3 of them, if you’re only eating dinner together. This is the kind of thing that people tend to think they can just “get over,” because love conquers all and for goodness’ sake it’s only dinner, but then five years later they’re stewing because their partner doesn’t care about meal planning/preparation, or wants to read a book while eating instead of having a conversation, or whatever. Most meal needs and preferences are completely valid: meals being important shared time vs. eating individually being okay, dividing meal planning and preparation equally vs. one partner taking on the bulk of it, prioritizing a particular (non-medical) diet vs. prioritizing meals with low-effort preparation, etc. You have a preferred/necessary way for your meals to be and he has a preferred/necessary way for his meals to be, and if six or nine or twelve months in, you can’t get enough overlap for another 5-10 years to be worth it… that’s a bummer, but also totally fine.

              Even just three months in, you’re getting a feeling that working out compatibility in this area is too much effort. Three months seems to me like it should still be the “everything is as perfect as the smell of his neck”-phase of a relationship, not the “wow this is hard” phase. (Though obviously you know yourself best with regards to whether that’s a reasonable alarm going off or if it fits into an overall pattern of anxious overthinking.)

              1. Safetykats*

                KayEss, you are amazing. I second everything you said.

                As far as practical advice goes, I’m hypoglycemic and so have to control when and what I eat very carefully. If I can’t manage that, I feel really awful. Unfortunately, having another person (or people) in the equation can really complicate the issue. I think it would be really helpful, first of all, to find a healthy snack that you can get used to eating in front of others. I love protein bars (Bonk Breaker Bars particularly have a nice mix of nutrients for me; a lot of them are too sweet.) They are compact, portable, and can be easily broken into pieces, which makes them pretty discrete. I use them a lot at work, because when it’s time for me to eat I can just pull one out even if I’m in a meeting or in transit. I have coworkers who will bring a whole elaborate lunch to a meeting, so that’s not necessarily frowned on, but I’m really uncomfortable eating on that scale when others aren’t, so the protein bars are a life saver for me.

                The other thing I really recommend is figuring out how to clearly state your needs. When you have specific food needs, and you can’t communicate those, I’m afraid it’s always going to end badly – because any partner who doesn’t have those exact same issues is really unlikely to figure them out. My husband knows – because I told him really early in our relationship – that I can’t skip meals, but I also can’t eat huge restaurant meals. It took him a little while to really understand, because it’s very different than the way he used to eat, but he has been lovely about changing his eating habits because he knows it’s a must-have for me. I do still occasionally have to remind him that I really have to eat soon, but mostly he remembers. Also he’s a champ about sharing meals when we go out – luckily there are a number of things we both really like – and admits that he feels better when he doesn’t eat as much at a single meal. But I had to ask for that specifically – had to just tell him it would be really helpful to me if we could just share something.

                The main thing I want to emphasize is that it’s not unusual to have specific food related needs – all kinds of people are hypoglycemic or diabetic or have Celiac’s – or are body builders or marathon runners or all kinds of things that demand specific dietary needs – and a loving, caring partner will actively support your needs to the extent that they understand them. This just means that you need to figure out how to become comfortable clearly stating what you need.

                If you can’t clearly state what you need to this potential partner, or if they can’t figure out how to support what you need once they understand, you probably do need a different partner. Because otherwise you’re going to be miserable and unhealthy, which is no good – no relationship is worth that, if only because I assure you that you can find a relationship in which your partner will be understanding and supportive.

              2. Close Bracket*

                2) “Food/meal compatibility is not a factor worthy of consideration in relationships.”

                Oh, heck, yes it is! Anything at all is a factor worthy of consideration in relationships, but there are certain types of food pickiness that would be deal breakers for me even if my hypothetical SO wasn’t happy about their pickiness!

        3. Junior Dev*

          Do your dates have to be 12 hours? Can you make them shorter?

          For longer dates, can you put a timer or reminder in your phone to eat every couple hours?

      2. Fiennes*

        Upon rereading—is it only about him not eating at times you want to eat, and you winding up hungry as a result? I see that this is a problem (though one you would probably also face with a non-picky eater.) Just wondering if that’s the crux of it.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      Picky eater here, so maybe I can offer some insight. Maybe not though – this sounds like a tricky situation. My pickiness is pretty much a sensory issue, and if I tried to force myself to eat something I don’t like so that you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable eating alone, I would likely end up gagging and not being able to do it – super embarrassing and not likely to make you feel more comfortable!

      You say you’re not sure that your issues with food could really be considered an eating disorder, but it definitely sounds like they have the potential to turn that way if your own eating habits greatly depend on not eating unless others are as well. Have you ever talked to a therapist or someone and tried to get some strategies for this? It just sounds unsustainable to keep ANY relationship going with a dynamic that you can’t eat unless the other person is eating. Especially if you reach the living together stage with someone. Your SO should be able to turn down food they don’t feel like eating without putting your health in jeopardy, and right now it doesn’t sound like that’s possible.

      I know I’m kind of jumping ahead of what you’re currently asking about, but it might be something to give some thought to. In the meantime, yes, if you think there’s potential for a long term relationship you should certainly talk to him further about your issues with food.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        I don’t care if we’re eating the same thing. He could be eating a hot dog and I could be eating sushi, and that would be okay with me. Eating in front of someone who isn’t eating is, as I said in another comment, a Level of Intimacy for me, and I guess despite how well things have been going I’m not sure if I’m there yet, although he’s eaten in front of me when I haven’t wanted anything, so maybe I should try it sometime soon and see how it feels.

        I’ve thought about going to a therapist for it, but I have some other mental health issues that have always seemed more pressing. Maybe I’ll look for some books or websites in the meantime.

        1. Amtelope*

          Are you addressing those other mental health issues with a therapist? If so, mention this – not feeling able to eat in front of someone who isn’t eating unless they are close family members is a pretty big issue. When that’s causing you to skip meals, you are definitely in “warning signs of eating disorder” territory, and eating disorders are not well treated by self-help methods. You need to take those symptoms to a doctor.

          If you’re not, I would really encourage making finding a therapist a priority. In the mean time, maybe scale back the all-day dates to build in mealtime breaks where you can go home and eat by yourself. Waiting for someone else to be hungry so that you can eat isn’t a good longterm plan.

        2. Perse's Mom*

          I would prioritize finding a therapist and laying it ALL out. Disordered eating could be linked to the other mental health issues you mentioned; it’s a piece of your whole mental health puzzle. A good therapist is going to need all this information in order to get a full picture of your situation in order to start helping you.

    3. Emilie*

      If you trust him, I think you should just be honest with him; “I tend to skip meals when you do, since I have a weird anxiety about eating while others aren’t”. I’m pretty sure that most people would try to do their best to help you. Maybe he (or you) could bring snacks that he could eat with you, like some fruit or a bar or some sorts. There’s no shame in needing some support in breaking unhealthy habits or learn to tackle things that makes you anxious :)

    4. Drop Bear*

      I’m not sure how practical a suggestion this is, but could you minimise how much of your time together is food related? Food and dating are culturally linked of course, but when I dated someone who struggled with food issues we did non-food related things together in the beginning. As we became more comfortable with each other it was easier for him to tell me about his issues and for us to incorporate them into our plans.

    5. Jules the Third*

      Mr. Jules and I still, after 20 years, only have a couple of meals where we eat the same things. Him: complex and multi-national; me: simple, plain, low spice. We only come together on occasional Mexican or Mediterranean; I’m just not a sushi gal. There is no reason why your romantic partner’s eating choices have to determine yours. Mr. Jules does do his own cooking, though – he’s much better than I am.

      It does sound like you already have a lot of mental focus on eating. To get around it with a partner:
      * Make food-based dates primarily take-out, where you both get what you want and meet up to eat together.
      * Find one or two places that have enough diversity that you can both eat there.
      * Make meals for yourselves, don’t try to push it to meals for both.
      * If you do really want to do ‘meals for both’, keep it *simple*
      * Make the focus the time together, not the food

      And finally – work to get rid of your adherence to social expectations. Do what works *for you*, let him do what works *for him*, and look for the ways you can do them together. Don’t judge his choices, don’t let him judge yours, get to the point where it’s just ‘we have different preferences and that’s fine!’

    6. Lcsa99*

      As a picky eater, I think the best thing to do is essentially worry about yourself, and let him worry about himself. You can look at restaurant menus ahead of time and find something that has stuff you can eat, then ask if it works for him too. Being able to know ahead of time that you CAN eat somewhere gets rid of a lot of the anxiety that comes with picky eating. I have a feeling that might be part of the reason he skips meals – if there isn’t something you can eat, or you just don’t know there is, it’s easier to skip a meal.

      I wouldn’t pressure him to discuss it. Picky eating is really stressful. If you make an effort to let him know it’s safe to eat with you, that you won’t push or judge, then he will be a lot more comfortable with you and you can learn what he can eat by just observing.

    7. Turtlewings*

      I think you two need to just completely unyoke your eating. He eats what he wants, when he wants, and you likewise. I know there’s a ton of weird social pressure around people eating at the same time and place, but accept the fact that you absolutely do not have to do that! If your eating habits are not compatible, stop trying to make them compatible. You don’t have to eat together to enjoy each other’s company.

      (Extremely picky eater here, fwiw. I can tell you he probably does not care what/whether/when you’re eating as long as you’re happy. He’s too busy worrying about being judged for HIS weird eating.)

      1. Overeducated*

        I agree with this. I have two friends with very strong and different eating restrictions (one kosher and no grains, beans, or dairy, one with a ton of allergies to fruits and vegetables) and they just eat separately the vast majority of the time, it just makes things low pressure to not worry abput matching up at all.

    8. dr_silverware*

      That does sound pretty serious. The absolute first thing I’d do is speak with him about this—to tell him basically exactly what you’ve said here. That you have a lot of anxiety around food, and while you’re not trying to force him to eat when he’s not hungry or not into the food, this is a really big deal for you.

      Possible options: one, this isn’t the right relationship for you right now. Food is a really fundamental part of daily life and maybe you need someone right now who will make you steadier about that instead of less certain.

      Two, maybe you can’t swing twelve hour dates right now. Hang out after dinner, between your planned mealtimes, etc.

      Three, maybe take a break around mealtime, so you can go eat without the pressure of him watching you.

      Four, he finds something he’s comfortable snacking on while you eat.

      None are easy options and there are more compromises under the sun, but it all starts with talking with him and telling him what’s going on.

    9. Dan*

      I hate to say this, but this isn’t about him. Your phrasing in the opening paragraph suggests that you think this is some sort of quirk on his end… and I don’t think it is.

      I eat anything and everything, and enjoy pretty much all of it. I’ve thought a bit about how compatible I would be with someone who is on a substantially restricted diet (reason doesn’t matter — preference, religion, medical, doesn’t matter), and I’ve come to the conclusion that food is both too important and too frequent for me to make serious changes or compromises for a significant other in how, what, when and where I/we go to eat or what I cook.

      I agree with the others who think it’s worth a conversation or two with a therapist to see where you’re at with your food issues — it’s outside of the norm enough where I wouldn’t write it off as a quirk.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        It’s not that I think it’s a quirk on his end. I know that picky eaters tend to be really sensitive about their eating habits and have done some reading about it, but what he needs might not line up with what other people need. Ideally, if we do discuss it, when the conversation is over he’ll have a better idea of my (currently non-articulated, so not his fault for not knowing them) needs and I’ll have a better idea of what I can do to make things easier and less stressful for him. It might indeed wind up being a dealbreaker for me down the road. I just don’t know.

        And I don’t have the time to see a therapist right now, but I think I’ll definitely be looking for books and websites that might be helpful sometime in the next couple weeks.

          1. Polly*

            Right? Shorten one of your dates. Go see a (clearly much-needed) therapist in that time slot instead. One day, you’ll look back at your posts here and understand why you keep getting the same plea.

          3. Reba*

            That’s not really fair (though I get your point about priorities). It’s not just an hour by hour exchange. Finding a therapist takes a lot of time and energy, plus katamia is not in their home country so accessing that stuff is harder. And dates usually happen on weekends, when therapists don’t usually work.

            1. Music*

              This person is asking for help, and it’s extremely clear that therapy is the only thing that will help them. You’re projecting a lot of circumstances into the conversation that haven’t been said by the person actually asking for help.

              I stand by the point: if they’re having 12-hour dates, then they have the time to find and visit a therapist. And until they do, they’re going to keep having this problem.

              1. Reba*

                I’m not projecting, but adding some context from katamia’s past posts about their situation–they are a regular poster here.

                Also not attacking you.

              2. Close Bracket*

                I bet those dates don’t happen during the work week – which is when they would have to see a therapist. So, no, having time for 12 hour dates does not translate to having time to see a therapist.

        2. Close Bracket*

          “if we do discuss it,”

          This needs to be a when, not an if. It is affecting you right now, so it needs to be out in the open.

    10. Indoor Cat*

      It sounds like you’re really anxious about this. Especially the “don’t eat if he’s not eating rule.” You seem really worried about it, so, first, I want to say that nobody is judging you as hard as you’re judging yourself.

      I’ve dealt with both-physical-and-mental eating disorder stuff, and I’ve learned that making up rules (like “don’t eat if he’s not eating” or “only eat proteins on Tuesdays, carbs on Wednesdays,” or w/e) were a way of trying to control part of my life and my body, because it felt very out of control. I couldn’t control whether or not I got sick, or whether or not someone else harmed my body, and that’s a scary feeling. It actually took a lot of therapy to really learn where that was coming from, and to learn new coping mechanisms besides the “rules” which interfere with my life without helping me stay well.

      In the short term, can you make up some different rules? Like, instead of “don’t eat when someone else isn’t eating,” you can make the rule, “don’t eat a meal when someone else is eating, but drinking [a protien shake / an ensure / a frappuccino] in an opaque glass is fine.” Or the rule could be, “every hour, eat a three-bite snack, like a bag of cashews or oreos.” That way, you can still get the feeling of bodily control or whatever positive reward you get from following your own rules, and that doesn’t interfere with your relationship.

      I know a lot of people are encouraging you to be open about this with your boyfriend, but I have mixed feelings about that. I think it might help if you’re asking for a specific thing, like dates that don’t overlap with meal times, or to coordinate a routine that involves ordering food at the same time; then he can agree or offer counter-suggestions about what might work for him when he realizes how much stress this causes you.

      The thing is, it can go wrong if you just say, “I have all these anxieties; help me fix them!” Your bf can’t do that work for you, so that can cause a lot of conflict.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Part of this is basic coupledom, where people, who have paired up, by necessity have to check in with each other.
      We are on a road trip. I need a bathroom. I really have no choice but to tell my guy, “Can you pull over at the next rest stop?”
      So there is this practical angle of communicating needs to each other.
      My suggestion is that if you are not ready to talk about food with him, then the relationship may be going too fast for you and you might do well with breathing space. It sounds like it’s basically a nice relationship, right? So why not pace it out and just take your time.

      Intimacy is cultivated and grown. Intimacy is not instant at all.

      Second thought. People tend to mirror back what we do, especially if they are sensitive to the same things. Since you are the one who is able to talk to us internet strangers, I suspect you are the stronger of the two of you at this point. This happens in couples, they take turns being the lead on an aspect of their relationship that needs assistance.
      Here’s something like I would go with to open the topic. “Uh, hon, I have to say this. I try to keep to a particular diet. I found that it helps me in some ways. I also like to plan my meal times. This, too, helps me with my health. I have been slacking lately because we do this and that so my food plan kind of shifted to the back burner. But now I need to rope it in and get back on track.” Then briefly describe the times of day you like to eat. For myself I would say, “I like to eat within an hour of getting up. Lunch is anywhere between 11:30 and 12:30. Then I have to have dinner by 6 or I am just dragging myself around.”
      Then move on to, “I see you eat a lot of stuff that is not for me. Why don’t we agree that each of us will be responsible for planning our own meals when we hang out together? I don’t think it’s good for us not to eat regularly but it might work out well if we each find/bring/get our food. This way neither one of us has to guess what the other wants.”

      People in long term relationships have to have many difficult conversations. Some times it is only difficult for one of the people(because the other person has some thoughts on things and thinks it’s a workable situation), some times it is difficult for the both of them (because both parties are in uncharted territory). If you think about the bigger picture of “This is one of many difficult things we will talk about if we stay together for a long time” this reframing might help in some small way.

      As you think along here, think of times you had to talk to someone about a difficult topic and you did WELL at it. What went right? What did you like about how you handled that tough conversation? Look at positive examples, it’s all to easy to look at the negative examples where we failed to connect with another person. Make your thoughts trend on the wins you have had.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is a terrific comment.

        I was thinking that the issue in part could be that you’ve jumped to the intimacy of extended periods of time together without feeling sufficient intimacy to talk about this difficult topic. And of course the length of the dates makes food even more important, since waiting until the date’s conclusion to eat is not a reasonable option. So there’s a disconnect between these different levels of intimacy. I’m not saying that’s good or bad, just that it exists.

        Several commenters here have suggested different ways of handling that disconnect, through shorter dates, therapy, unyoking food and dates, or having a conversation. Whichever (or whichever combination) you choose, I wish you all the best.

    12. AcademiaNut*

      Reading through your comments, this seems to be almost all about your issues, while you don’t really know what his issues are but are making assumptions. There are a couple of suggestions I can think of

      Therapy! Even if you break up with this guy, the issues will follow you to the next relationship. You’re skipping meals when you’re hungry because of psychological discomfort, *and* you’ve got complicated physical diet issues. This is not a good combination.

      For this guy, you need to talk to him, otherwise the relationship is doomed. One practical way you could deal with this is to consciously decouple your eating. If he’s very picky, and you have serious diet issues, sharing meals is going to be really complicated, so you could agree to each handle your own meals at home (cook separately, bring something with you visit him), and come up with a list of restaurants that serve food that both of you can eat. For a 12 hour date, you absolutely have to be able to say “I need to eat now”, and maybe separate for half an hour, go into different rooms, or something like that, if he’s not hungry.

    13. LilySparrow*

      This isn’t meant as a criticism, but an observation – my understanding of a “disorder” (at least in terms of the disorders I have) is that it interferes with one or more major life functions.
      Your issues may not fall neatly into a specific, named eating disorders, but it looks from here like there are certainly some disordered patterns around your eating. Certainly worth bringing up with your therapist.

      I think bringing this up with your boyfriend will be a great relief to you, and possibly to him as well.
      It certainly can’t hurt.

      “Hey listen, there’s something that’s been making things difficult for me when we’re together, and I think if we can talk about it, we could find other ways to deal with it that would make it easier for me.
      I have some physical issues and some feelings issues about what and when I eat. One of them is that it’s hard for me to eat alone in front of people in a newer relationship. I’ve been skipping meals because of it, and I can’t keep doing that. When I need to eat at a certain time, would you want to share sometimes? Would you rather I excuse myself?”

      And see where it goes.

    14. misspiggy*

      I’m in a situation where I have health issues around food, and my partner is a picky eater on a number of levels. He’s been fairly comfortable explaining his issues. This has really helped, because some things took a lot of hearing before I could take them seriously, given the assumptions about food my upbringing had given me.

      We’ve evolved into some patterns which have helped us in practical terms:
      Takeaway at least once a week: we each order what we like and avoid what we don’t like/can’t eat.
      Timing of main meals is usually between when I get most hungry and when he gets most hungry. But each of us snack when we need to and there’s no criticism of that.
      Sitting next to each other (watching TV usually) while we eat. Not facing each other helps keeps the attention off what and how we’re eating.
      Cooking a meal where we can each eat the protein, but we might have different carbs/sides. Or vice versa.
      Cooking a one-pot dish, dividing it into two and adding different spices towards the end.
      Never cooking anything one of us hates; but sometimes cooking something one of us craves and the other isn’t keen on.
      Never cooking something he hates the smell of when he’s in the house, or going to come back to it. Sometimes if we’re out, I might have a dish he doesn’t much like the smell of; he doesn’t have to smell it being cooked, and it stops me getting resentful.
      On days where I can’t eat a meal, I sit with him and eat some kind of snack like nuts.
      On days where I can’t get out of bed to eat, he brings dinner up and we eat in bed. (We might well be eating different things at this point.)

      Our issues cross over in different ways to yours. But I’m sharing as an example that there are so many ways to do eating. The assumptions you bring with you into a relationship can change once you start talking about what each of you needs.

    15. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      David, there is a catchall diagnosis out there that you may fall into. Disordered eating. Honestly, this sounds like it’s really messing with your daily life regardless of your SO, so if you’re able I’d recommend that you seek out some professional help. Having a hard time eating around other people when they’re also eating isn’t “normal”, and if you can get some sort of help to reduce it, you’d probably get a lot of relief.

      I also struggle with food, though not to the extent you seem to. It’s rough, and most other people DON’T get it and will accidentally make it worse. Good luck and take care of yourself. (no advice on the SO, I’m hopeless there.)

  4. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I went to see an ENT this week for what I thought was chronic sinusitis (I asked last week about experiences with balloon sinuplasty). Turns out my sinuses are fine, but my turbinates (yeah, I’d never heard of them either) are enlarged, which has caused my chronically stuffy nose and, in all likelihood, my headaches. The doctor can’t guarantee that the headaches will go away once he fixes the turbinates, but he thinks treatment will help with them and the congestion in my neck. It will also help my snoring. So now I need surgery. Through the wonders of having very good health insurance, everything is scheduled and set to go next month. Outpatient, yet I’ll be under general anesthesia (a first for me) and they expect me to have a not-great couple of days but a full recovery pretty quickly. No packing.

    I’m divided between excited to get this fixed and freaked out about the anesthesia.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I totally understand being freaked out about anesthesia. I’ve had four surgeries and I still worry. For me, it’s the fact that I’m under for all that time and I have no idea what’s going on. I mean, I know what they’re doing because I’ve researched the procedure like crazy and the doctor has told me, but it still freaks me out. They’re rummaging around IN your body. It’s also the passage of time. It totally boggles my mind that you go to sleep and wake up like two seconds later with the same thought you had before you went to sleep, when actually hours have passed. Does that make sense? I’m trying to explain as best as I can.

      But you’ll do fine! It’s totally normal to be freaked out about it. Just think about the benefits of going through some very temporary nerves and discomfort.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That makes total sense. I am so used to local anesthesia, the idea of not being aware of what’s happening to me is so foreign. I am also a Very Good Patient– not fussy, interested, perfectly willing to go through discomfort while practitioners get things done– and the idea of being so out of it that I can’t be that Very Good Patient is simply weird.

        1. WellRed*

          When I had surgery the I was worried because i have type 1 diabetes and couldn’t imagine being under in case of a low. The anesthesiologist said, “your job is to sleep, my job is to watch you sleep.” I found that so helpful.

        2. Other Duties as Assigned*

          This is timely, as I just had a colonoscopy yesterday (F). My earlier two had the usual anesthesia, where you wake up sort of disoriented and have to sleep it off the rest of the day. However, this time, they said they were using a different type, explaining “you’ll drop off faster and come out of it faster.” I thought I’d count to 30 from when they put the stuff into the IV to see how long it would take; I made it to six. SIX! I woke up 90 minutes later and was completely lucid and felt normal, unlike the woozy feeling I’d had other times. They fed me a fresh chocolate chip cookie (I believe they make them on-site) and turned me over to my wife to send me on my way. Even though I had the usual prohibition on driving and signing legal documents for the rest of the day, I felt 100% fine and didn’t spend the day asleep. I’ve always felt the anesthesia is the best part of this procedure….you really go off into a deep and restful sleep. For GoT fans, this matches the described effect of Dreamwine.

          Best wishes.

        3. ..Kat..*

          We nurses understand. We are dedicated to keeping our patients safe and comfortable. Good luck.

      2. Book Lover*

        I get anxious I will say weird and inappropriate stuff while waking up. Sigh. I have only had one procedure and apparently the worst I did was thank people more than once, but still. I have this crazy stuff in my head and what if it comes out!

        1. Drop Bear*

          My daughter is an anaesthetist, and according to her it’s not uncommon to say things while waking up but it is almost never inappropriate and if it is she doesn’t ‘hear’ it.

          1. Book Lover*

            Lol, good to know. I find being alive to be generally embarrassing most of the time but like to feel I hide it well. Anesthesia uncovers thing. Sigh.

      3. D.W.*

        I have the same problem with my turbinates; found out about 6yrs ago. I had the outpatient surgery and my recovery was really short and painless, and I felt so much better. If you haven’t, ask is if this is a one and done procedure. I had to revisit my ENT every year because my turbinates are always swollen!

        I’ve since moved and unfortunately have not found any doctor here that I trust, so I’m miserable.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Thank you for the tip! My doctor didn’t indicate either way, and I tend to be very conservative about these things. Like, let’s do this and see how it works. Fortunate to have that luxury, to be honest.

      4. Florida*

        I had turbinate reduction surgery a few years ago – and it’s the best thing I ever did. A little background, I have had life-long sinus problems. Had one sinus surgery in high school. Have been getting allergy shots for about 10 years, and tried every allergy medication on the market. Nothing has made as much difference as the turbinate reduction surgery.

        After the surgery I couldn’t blow my nose for a short time. I think it was about three days. That was annoying because stuff was drippy out constantly. But you can handle that for three days if you get the level of relief I got.

        I didn’t have general anesthesia for this.

      5. nonegiven*

        Beats the hell out of the kind of anesthesia that you’re not supposed to remember but doesn’t seem to work on me.

    2. Sarah*

      My husband had that done and it’s made a huge difference in his ability to breathe and his energy levels throughout the day!

        1. Safetykats*

          I would really recommend asking if it can be done under local anesthesia, if the general makes you uncomfortable. Fairly often, general anesthesia is more for the convenience of the medical personal and not at all mandatory – and it sounds like this is the case here, since one commenter has had this surgery without general anesthesia. You say you’re a “good patient,” which probably means that you’re not used to challenging your doctors, but a good doctor really wants you to understand your options, and to do that you need to ask questions. It also doesn’t hurt to get a second opinion, if you’re not getting answers that you can be sure about. You say that you have good insurance – and good insurance will often pay for a second opinion – so I would take advantage of that if you can.

    3. Ann Perkins*

      I had a septoplasty a while back and coming out of the anesthesia was a little scary becausi hadn’t been under in a while but it was fine and gave me an excuse to watch TV in bed all weekend. Good luck!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Thanks! Your nickname reminds me that I am just about to finish my semi-annual Parks and Rec re-watch, so I’ll have to find something else to plan for the weekend. I’ve started Downton Abbey again and might be finished in a few weeks. So I have some decisions to make. :)

    4. Merci Dee*

      I had sinus surgery 10 years ago, which included shaving down my turbinates, as well. It made a huge difference in the way I was able to breathe. You’ll do fine with this.

      As for the general anesthesia… my fondest memory of the whole thing. They put me under, did my surgery, and then wheeled me to recovery until I woke up. First thing I asked was how long the surgery took and how long had I been asleep. The nurses told me the procedure took about 45 minutes, and that I had been asleep for about an hour all together. I just sighed and replied, “I feel like I’ve been asleep for hours! It was wonderful!” The nurses thought that was great.

    5. LCL*

      When I had sinus/septum/turbinate surgery done, the surgeon explained that general anaesthesia is preferable for this type of surgery and he wouldn’t do the surgery otherwise. His reason was that it is very traumatic for the patient having surgical instruments near the head and being used. Basically, you don’t want to be aware this is happening because you can’t look away or escape the sounds.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That was my issue with an endoscopy. My fear level with that procedure was much higher than when they took out my gallbladder, which I just found interesting.

        They don’t actually knock you out, but I did tell them to please give me as much sedation as safely possible, because I didn’t really want to know what they were doing. Whatever they gave me did the trick. I remember them putting the block in my mouth and then nothing else until I woke up in recovery.

    6. Totally Minnie*

      My number one post anesthesia recommendation is make sure you have plenty of wet foods available to you. A common side effect of some anesthesia drugs is dry mouth, and I tend to have problems eating things like crackers or bread afterward. So make sure you’ve got someone to bring you lots of water, and try to have things like pudding or popsicles on hand.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I said something to my boyfriend last night about chocolate pudding and Spaghettios, and he thought I had gone crazy. I don’t eat such things usually, but they strike me as very good post-procedure foods (if I’m allowed to have Spaghettios, that is).

    8. charlatan*

      I had turbinate reduction and septum surgery a few months ago and I’m only sorry it took me so long to muster up the courage to have it done. It was my first time with general anesthesia too and I was worried in general about the recovery but it was all so worth it.

      It was an odd experience coming out of the anesthesia – I was apparently combative and then weepy for about 10 minutes straight – and I had full-body aches for a few days afterwards. My nose was tender for a while but I only needed the pain meds for a day and a half after the surgery. Be very careful with the discharge (it’s hard to not blow your nose but you REALLY have to wait a while before it’s safe) and make sure you have your pain meds, soft tissues and a saline irrigation system ready for you at home.

      Good luck! I hope it works out as well for you as it did for me.

    9. Skunklet*

      I had a deviated septum repaired with a partial turbinate reduction (they weren’t swollen, just removed to make more room). In and out of the OR in 45 minutes – but yes, the anesthesia is awful (I am out of it mentally for two days). After the surgery it wasn’t too bad, but they pack your nose with, essentially, medical tampons to stop the bleeding. The first day wasn’t bad, the 2nd day stunk because, well, your breath is awful and you can’t equalize pressure. Once they took the tampons out, it was fine, but your breath smells for like 2 weeks… trust me, my husband told me!

  5. Fiennes*

    My sweet little dog has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He’s older, and has had heart issues for a while, so as sad as I am, it doesn’t come as a shock. His energy remains very good, as does his appetite; it’s obvious he feels absolutely fine. So that’s good at least.

    My vet is one who really, really softens bad news to the point of not being clear. I’m trying to get some sense of how long he has, and she just says no one can know. She says she has seen dogs last two years or die within a month. Is there a more concrete time frame? I want him with us as long as possible, and to be with him whenever he finally begins feeling poorly. We have been planning a longer trip this summer for almost a year, but I don’t want to abandon my little buddy if he’s going to need me. At the same time, though, I don’t want to put personal and business travel on hold for up to two years if that’s not warranted.

    He’s a mutt, part Pomeranian, approximately 11 years old. He has some lung edema that’s well controlled by medication, at least for now. Any advice from those who’ve been through this would be welcome.

    2. nep*

      No relevant experience or advice — just commiseration and a huge hug. Sorry you’ve got to go through this with your long-time companion. May he not suffer.

    3. Book Lover*

      I am so sorry! I think she is likely being honest that she just doesn’t know and that it can vary a lot. In humans, a diagnosis of congestive heart failure has a very high mortality – like a nasty cancer – but still, some people last weeks and others many years. As long as your dog is happy and enjoying life, perhaps you can take it a day at a time? I understand the vacation thing, but perhaps you will know better in a month or two….

      1. Fiennes*

        I realize there’s nothing concrete to know, at least at this stage. Thanks for the kind words.

    4. Dan*

      How long is long in terms of the trip? I regularly take trips out of country that range anywhere from 3-5 weeks. I’m sorta waiting for the moment where “life” (in whatever form) dictates that a planned trip won’t happen.

      My suggestion is to live your life the way you have and the way you’ve planned; and insure your vacations with a policy that will cover a cancellation for a reason like this.

      If your dog remains relatively asymptomatic, I’d say keep doing what you’re doing. When the symptoms start to kick in, then you can revisit some of your future plans.

      1. Fiennes*

        My dog would probably be in my family’s keeping for about 5 weeks. They love him and will take good care of him; he’s stayed with them before and likes it there, so the time away should not be super stressful on its own. This trip is mostly pleasure for me, but it’s something that has deeper personal meaning for my partner, so I really want to make this happen for us. I think your idea about living life as usual, but getting trip insurance, is probably the best way to go for now.

    5. Peanut*

      About 9 years ago my rescue Chihuahua mix was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He was relatively young at the time (maybe about 4?) and the vet cardiologist we saw said he had anywhere from 3 to 6 months to live. They put him on medication (sorry I can’t remember specifics, but I remember one cost about a dollar a day) to reduce the fluid and also to help with the heart. Within a few months we found out our dog basically recovered amazingly. The cardiologist couldn’t believe it and said our dog was an outlier, and eventually the dog didn’t have to be on the medication anymore.

      He lived a full life, died in his sleep of old age about a year ago.

      I would recommend going to a specialist if there are any near you. We lived in Massachusetts at the time and there were at least two very good specialty animal hospitals within a half hour drive of us.

      1. Peanut*

        Oops, my math is all wrong. I think he must have been more like 6-7 years old at the time he was diagnosed, because he was around 15-16 when he passed away.

      2. Fiennes*

        I will try to check one out. Given my dog’s age, I suspect a total reversal is unlikely, but I would like to give him as much (happy, comfortable) time I can.

    6. Former Employee*

      I’m so sorry to hear about your dog.

      I am only somewhat familiar with congestive heart failure in people, not in dogs, and it seems as if the doctors can’t really tell. Sometimes, the patient is put on medication(s) and responds well, sometimes not.

      Someone else suggested you check with a specialist and I think it’s a good idea. A specialist may also be aware of meds that a primary care doctor is not aware of or familiar with, just because.

      Best of luck to you and your little guy. Please keep us updated.

    7. Slartibartfast*

      Vet tech for 15 years here, and the truth is, there’s no way to know. Which sucks, because the not knowing is the hardest part to deal with. Congestive heart failure is progressive, nothing will stop it, and the goal of treatment is to slow it down as much as possible. It’s really variable how each individual will respond to treatment, but the good news is it isn’t painful. If you’re noticing a lot of fatigue and are constantly having to adjust meds in the first few months, most often (and I’m generalizing off of presonal experience here) that’s a sign that the patient only has a few months. Usually though, the response to medication is good, and when that’s the case, it’s usually 2 to 4 years of good living before they become difficult to medicate, at which point it’s usually going to go downhill fast. In its final stages, heart failure causes extreme fatigue and exercise intolerance, because the heart isn’t circulating enough blood to keep the body oxygenated. Signs that it’s time to let go would be blue tongue, passing out, and trying to keep their head elevated when sleeping, because fluid backs up into the lungs when the heart can’t pump effectively. But still, the patient is pretty comfortable and not suffering, just really tired. This is the point where you’ll have to make the decision to let go. Not laying down at all, standing or sitting like a bulldog with the chest out, hearing crackling or gurgling when they breathe is the end stage, because these are signs there’s free fluid in the lungs, which is the only part of this illness I would consider to be suffering. There’s a good handout about quality of life if I can find it that helps you judge your pet’s condition objectively and helps track good vs bad days, I will post a link if I can find it.

      1. Fiennes*

        Thank you very much for this. It helps to know that while there are no guarantees, there are signs I can look for. Right now he’s showing none of the extremely negative signs (except keeping his head elevated, but he’s always done that–I think he just likes it). It helps a lot to know what to look for and look out for.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Why not ask your vet what she would decide in this instance if it were her dog?

      I made one last trip before my previous dog got too old. The people I left him with are great people or I would not have even considered going. When I got back the report was NOT GOOD. He howled every night and they could not console him. (Previously, he LOVED them, he was very happy there.) I never left him again. He lived about another year or so, then he passed. Oddly, my aunt who took the trip with me passed about 8 months after my dog. No regrets. I feel bad that he was so inconsolably upset, but I am glad I got the time with my aunt before she passed. It was four days out of his life, I came back and I stayed with him to the end. It was the last trip I took with my aunt. Such is life, no ideal solutions but just handling things in a sensible way and in the moment.

    10. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry. I’m going through the same thing with my kitty. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, heart disease and heart failure last August. He’s been on medication since then and is doing well. I definitely notice him sleeping more and being less active overall, but nothing serious enough to where he is having major breathing issues.

      We went on vacation about 3 months after his initial diagnosis. I boarded him at a vet so they could give him his medication twice a day and monitor for any signs of distress. I have another trip coming up in April and one in June for a week at a time. Both of them are out of the country. He will be boarded at the vet for both of those trips as well.

      What helped me feel a little better this time was that he had an appointment with his cardiologist recently where she saw some pockets of fluid around his lungs, but not enough to have to extract any fluids. It helped having some concrete information about his condition.

      I just spend as much time as I can with him but it’s hard because I don’t know how much longer I have with him. It’s a tough situation. Sending good vibes to your little guy.

    11. Onomatopoeia*

      This is the most difficult phase of a beloved pet’s life for thoughtful owners. When our 20-year-old dachshund received this diagnosis, we didn’t know what to expect either. Your Vet isn’t being vague – it varies from animal to animal. As long as your beloved dog isn’t suffering, all is well, if slowed down considerably. One morning my doxie woke up and was clearly struggling for breath. It was the weekend so we went to the emergency vet. Her little heart was struggling in her fluid-filled chest. She wasn’t wailing in agony, but she was suffering. We had to say goodbye to her that day, but she died in my arms, she was loved, and she didn’t experience agony. I’m so sorry for what you face, it is difficult beyond description. But truly, your little dog will let you know; the signs may differ from pet to pet, but it’s immediately recognizable as time.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      Sorry to hear that.

      One of my cats had the same issue. It’s true what the vet says, that it’s just not easy to pinpoint how long the animal will survive. You’ll know it’s not far off when he starts to rest way more than usual. Meaning he may get out of bed, walk halfway to his food dish and then have to sit or lay down for a bit. Not napping, but having to stop and rest, then continue on to wherever he was headed. That’s what happened with my cat. Over the course of a couple weeks he started having to stop and rest/catch his breath more often. The last day or two he would walk maybe 10 steps and then have to rest for five minutes. That’s when we knew it was time.

    13. CityMouse*

      It can depend on a lot of things. My grandmother’s dog was diagnosed with heart failure and he lived another year, but I don’t want to give you false hope.

      1. Safetykats*

        I think boarding him at the vet is a great idea if you can – and if he is going to potentially need medical care. If not, please make sure your family understands what he needs and is capable of providing it. I have an elderly cat who is hyperthyroid, and needs medication twice a day, and I’m lucky that my mom is capable of doing that pretty reliably. As she gets older and sicker, I probably won’t be as comfortable leaving her for extended periods of time, if only because if there are serious decisions to be made I don’t think it’s fair for my mom to be the one who has to make them. It might be a good idea to think hard about what you would want done if your dog takes a turn for the worse while you are gone, and discuss that with your family.

        However, I have a friend with congestive heart failure who had to quit her job three years ago because it was so bad – and she is actually doing quite well now. So I think your dog may have some good years left, depending on how well you can control the condition with medication. So possibly the main issue is only whether your family can effectively medicate the dog.

    14. Good pup!*

      You really can’t know. The last CHF dog I looked after had “weeks to live” for 2 1/2 years (the 3rd recurrence of a cancer is finally what killed him, not the CHF), and management/medication has come a ways since then. With any luck, your pup will have a similar story.

  6. The Other Dawn*

    I went for a follow-up with my orthopedic doctor in regards to my back pain. I thought I was going to hear about a simple pain relief outpatient procedure. Instead, I found out that I’m actually a strong candidate for disc replacement. Totally not what I was expecting. At all. I was kind of in shock.

    Apparently the herniation in my disc is pretty big and the nucleoplasty (disc decompression) isn’t possible. A mini discectomy isn’t possible either. I was kind of in a daze and on information overload at that point, but it was something about the condition of the disc, the size of the herniation and the very small space and location in which to do the work. The other possibility is disc fusion, but he said it has a lower success rate. Not that it’s not successful–it is for many people–but he felt for my situation, a disc replacement would be the best choice and I’d get the most relief from it. The disc above also has issues, but he’s more worried about this one for now.

    He’s having me see another doctor, the one who would work with him during surgery to get him into where he needs to do the work. (Apparently it’s a frontal approach, rather than through the back.) Unfortunately I can’t get in until April 13, but I plan to call every couple days to see if they have any cancellations. He ordered an updated MRI, which I had yesterday morning. I looked at the MRI since I have the previous one and I now know what I’m looking at, and the affected disc actually looks a little worse than six months ago. I go Tuesday to have him read it. I plan to make up a list of questions. I didn’t think to ask much other than recovery time (out of work for two to three weeks) and success rate.

    I’m not adverse at all to having the surgery done, as long as there’s a reasonable expectation of pain relief, which there seems to be; he’s pretty confident that this would help me a lot. I’d also like to know if it’s inevitable that it will need to be done at some point. If so, they why wait? I’ve already tried a bunch of things and they’re not helping. I really want to get back to living my life as I was before. Why spend more money on temporary solutions? I’m also not worried that he’s trying to steer me to surgery too soon; we’ve tried all the conservative things. He even suggested chiropractic and acupuncture, which isn’t usually suggested by a medical doctor. And he’s all about minimally invasive, so for him to suggest surgery doesn’t alarm me. I guess my only concern would be whether insurance would cover replacement, as I know not too long ago it was considered experimental.

    So, the question is: has anyone had one of these procedures done? Either fusion of disc replacement?

    1. Me2*

      Haven’t had the replacement, have had fusion. Replacement was not an option when I had mine. The only thing I would caution you about is the armchair quarterbacks. I had so many people telling me to try alternate theories including some I’d already tried (like spinal epidural) for pain relief. Only you and your doctor can adequately judge your pain level and the impact it is having on your life. I was to the point where I could not walk long distances, couldn’t walk my kids to the bus, had to use a wheelchair when we went to Disneyland, if I dropped something it stayed dropped until someone else came home to get it. The surgery was definitely worth it to me, I’m able to move relatively freely but am still cautious and mindful of my back, and my quality of life has improved enormously. Another year of trying alternates just to avoid surgery was not worth it to me. Good luck!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “Only you and your doctor can adequately judge your pain level and the impact it is having on your life.”

        Thank you for saying this!! I’ve already had a lot of people telling me to get a second opinion. I mean, I get it, but it’s not like we haven’t tried other things: spinal epidural twice, prednisone taper pack, chiropractic, PT, back brace, etc. I feel like it implies they think the doctor is jumping the gun or trying to take advantage. I know his reputation, and it’s a really strong one. And based on what he’s saying, it seems like this will be inevitable because there’s a fair amount of degeneration in there, too.

        My issue is lying, sitting and static standing. Working out is great (90% of the time, and I’m a little limited), as is walking and movement in general. If I didn’t have to sit for my job, I’d probably feel pretty decent most of the time.

        1. Me2*

          Yes, exactly. I have tried other things, lots of other things, now I’m trying this. I’d never advise jumping to surgery and you said your doctor is conservative. As far as the actual procedure, you’ll feel amazing immediately after because your incision is packed full of the happy drugs. I went from wheelchair to walking immediately. Be slightly cautious and listen to your body, especially as the drugs start to wear off. On a separate note, which I’m sure you’ve thought of, is it possible for your employer to accommodate you with a standing or convertible desk?

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, I have one already. I stand when the sitting gets to be too much, and then sit when the standing starts to wear on me. I’m constantly up and down, because those are the two things that bother me. And the nature of my job is that I have to be at my desk, unfortunately.

    2. fposte*

      I’ve had a fusion, but it was cervical, so much less effect on mobility. It was really effective.

      Some thoughts on your previous paragraph.

      Spine stuff comes with no guarantees. Some people have discs leaning on their nerve and have no pain; some people have virtually clean MRIs and are in agony. Some people have relief when the disc is, one way or another, separated from the nerve, and some people really don’t. Absent paralysis or loss of below-the-waist control, the doctors are mostly going to say it’s up to you whether you have a surgery or not, because it’s about pain relief and it’s up to the patient what it’s worth to try for pain relief. Hence the suggestions that you try other methods of pain relief to see if they help.

      IMHO, it’s actually pretty unusual for people to get to surgery too early; insurance makes you jump through hoops anyway before you can even get to the MRI. I think it’s far more common for people to put themselves through hell trying to avoid surgery for too long. I regretted how long I waited for the fusion, and I regretted not pushing for an MRI earlier on the lumbar surgery to identify the need.

      If I were you, I would ask what options are available down the line with each technique. Does the replacement disc mean that you could still get a fusion in 10-20 years? (I think if you get a fusion that precludes disc options since there’s no disc space any more, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask what options there might be after that as well.) I’d also ask about mobility. It’s generally true that pain limits mobility to such an extent that the loss of mobility from a fusion might not be noticeable, but ask, and ask specifically about anything you like to do physically that you think is relevant.

      (And of course check with insurance.)

      1. fposte*

        Oh, and while I haven’t done real research on this, I would lean toward the replacement disc myself. I think it has a higher chance of preserving both mobility and later options. I would research comparative outcomes and the longest-term available data I could find on replacements (it’s new, but it’s not, like, toddler-new).

        I would also, now that I think about it, ask if there’s a possibility that they’d start surgery and discover that a replacement wouldn’t be possible after all, and in that case what happens?

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, he mentioned that back surgery is tricky. Some people get a lot of relief, others don’t. My husband knows a lot of people at work who have had some form of back surgery, and most of them had a lot of success. I know a couple, too. But I do have a few people who like to tell me all the things that can go wrong, how Jane had surgery three times and she’s a mess (this was from a coworker yesterday), how the doctors just want money so they push surgery (I’m sure there are cases like that, but I don’t think that’s typical in back surgery–maybe plastic surgery), etc. Same thing happened when I had weight loss surgery four years ago. Almost no one had a nice success story to tell me. It was all doom and gloom. And now that I’ve had it and kept the weight off, everyone knows someone who had it and lost so much weight and kept it off and they’re doing great. I think what annoys me most is the implication behind their negative stories, which is that I don’t know enough to do some research and ask questions. I know some people might be looking out for me, like my family and friends, but some people seem to want to scare me or judge me.

        Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent here…

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I know all about that! Also an argument for stay away from most online forums on the subject–the people who got relief are out and about and not posting, so they skew heavily toward the failures.

          By me, though, when pain is untenable you look to the relevant intervention. You can’t have much of a life in severe pain. It’s really unlikely that things will get worse, and this isn’t the only thing that can ever be done if it doesn’t help. There is some really sobering research about what happens to brains under sustained pain, and I’m pretty sure mine took a hit as a result of the delay in my action. The second time I had an issue, when I saw the MRI I had an appointment with my surgeon within the week; I wanted surgery ASAP.

          So if it helps, I’m two spine surgeries and a “well worth it” on both. Maybe in 100 years they’ll figure out something better, but in the meantime I still need to sit sometimes.

        2. Book Lover*

          Well, failed back is a thing, unfortunately :(. I think the way we typically approach it is to try to do everything under the sun that is not surgery (unless nerve compromise emergency) and then go for it, recognizing some people will wish they had had the surgery earlier and others will wish they had never gone ahead with it.
          I think if you have tried everything and have a reputable surgeon who is optimistic that it will help (no good surgeon will give a guarantee, but you can usually tell if they think it is a good idea) then it is hard to just not do anything.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      Bad stories make more interesting news. I have had back surgery and it was life changing in a positive way. If it was my spine, I would try the replacement before the fusion, because you said the disc above the problem is also not in great shape. Fusions can put additional stress on the discs to either side, so there’s a chance that a fusion could lead to the next disc rupturing sooner than it otherwise might have. But it’s not my spine, and I am not a doctor, so feel free to chuck my opinion right out the window if it isn’t right for you. I am glad you’re getting a built in second opinion though, this isn’t a decision to make lightly.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        No, that’s actually valuable information to know–thank you! I hadn’t thought about what a fusion would do to the other discs. To be honest, I’m not 100% sure he said “fusion.” What I remember him saying is that taking the frontal approach would have a higher probability of success; however, going through the back might mean less relief and he might use rods and screws. But doing some research, it appears that “rods and screws” are what are used in a fusion.

        1. fposte*

          It’s worth asking more about that so you understand what the procedure would entail. Also, in your first post you said “disc fusion”–unless I’ve missed something, that’s a little misleading, because in a fusion what happens is that they take the disc out entirely and fuse the two *vertebrae* together (usually with a bone graft and rods and screws). So if it’s, say, that usual troublemaker of L-5 to S-1, those two would be fused together and your back would no longer bend between the two vertebrae (which is why, as Slartibartfast notes, there’s more strain on surrounding discs). You’re probably not bending between them much right now as is, so it may not even be something you’d notice. But speaking as somebody who started this crap young too, I think about long-term possibilities, and if you start getting trouble at another level in a couple of years you want to have preserved as many other options as possible.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, I misspoke when I said “disc fusion.” I meant “fusion.” After reading about fusion I can see why it’s something that might potentially cause some issues long-term, since it’s in the lumbar area, which has more movement and bears more weight than a cervical disc or vertebrae.

            1. fposte*

              Cool–as long as you know what you’re signing up for phraseology doesn’t really matter. And I still think a fusion can be a reasonable move, but so can other procedures.

    4. Natalie*

      My husband had a fusion in November (L4&5 and S1) and had overall very good results. I’ll second Me2 that the armchair qbs are extra annoying – my friend is dating a chiropractor right now and my already-not-great opinion of chiropractic is basically bottomed out after meeting a bunch of his work friends right around that time. Anyway.

      For insurance, you almost certainly need to get preapproval and there should be someone at the ortho office that coordinates all of that. If for some reason they don’t approve, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

      When this was first recommended to B, he was referred to a neurosurgeon but everything I researched indicated an orthopedic surgeon was preferable. He ended up at a clinic that specializes in this kind of thing and works with a lot of professional athletes. And even though I think his surgeon was kind of an asshole, the guy did a good job. You may want to consult with a second surgeon either for extra confidence, or if they disagree on the front approach. I’m obviously not a doctor but if they’re going through the back they’re disturbing fewer muscles, no organs, etc.

      One odd thing we weren’t warned about is positional nerve damage from lying on a table for hours. Apparently it feels like a bad sunburn and can last for months. But if it’s intolerable they can give you medication that helps.

  7. Ms. Gullible*

    A couple months ago I posted that I caught my ex and his howorker coming out of our house on my son’s birthday. That day I got a lawyer, filed for custody/support, and began looking for a new home. I found out last week I was approved for our new place and the kiddos and I move in next weekend.

    The child custody hearing is in two weeks and my ex had not completed the parenting class still. He will not communicate about the kids and I want to strangle him. He does not seem to realize what he’s doing to our children.

    Anyway, I appreciate all of the support I received and the recommendation for reading Chump Lady. Looking forward to packing this weekend. (Bonus is that everything but the kids is pretty much his, so I really don’t have much to pack other than my clothes.)

    2. Agnodike*

      The way you’ve handled this is incredible and your kids are unbelievably lucky to have you as a parent. I’m sorry you’re going through so much upheaval and pain right now.

    3. nep*

      Thank you for the update. How great that you have a new place. Sending you love and good vibes. You are strong and amazing. All the best as you move through this.
      Peace

    4. It’s All Good*

      Don’t let him see you sweat and don’t let the kids see you sweat. You are on the right path. I wish you well. Remember I’m those tough times you are stronger than you think.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Go, you! Well you are indeed in charge of your life and how your life will go. Congrats on your new house. You have the world wide open for you. Him? He will be in the bathroom hiding from his phone.
      I am very sorry for how things blew up here and I am sorry the kids are short their father. But I suspect that time will be very kind to you and to them. I wish you the best.

    8. Perse's Mom*

      If his refusal to prioritize his kids during a custody battle isn’t all that surprising to you, it’s probably also not surprising to them. That doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful to them (or to you!), but you all may find it easier to breathe when you’re in a new place. There’s something kind of claustrophobic and disheartening about feeling trapped in a space with someone who SHOULD care but clearly doesn’t.

    10. Lcsa99*

      I think it’s great how strong you’ve been through this. Focusing on yourself and the kids. It’s so important.

      One thing I feel I need to say, though, as hurt as you feel, and as mad as you might be, try to be careful about bad mouthing him in front of the kids. Even if he bad mouths you. Trust that they will eventually see for themselves that he is an ass and you’ll have a better relationship with them in the long run.

      1. Observer*

        This is true. And you can be sure that they will eventually see it, even if they don’t yet. Of course, based on your description of his behavior, if they haven’t figured it out yet, they will very very soon.

  8. LK03*

    On the knowledge-swap post this week, Scrumtrillescent shared some amazing stories about how she is raising 5 kids on her own. One point she made was that her kids started having chores and responsibilities in the household when they turned 2. My kid is almost 2, and my partner and I really want to raise her to be generous and self-sufficient. So…what kinds of chores are good to start a 2-year-old on? She already joins in with us to pick up toys and books when we ask her to, and sometimes she does it spontaneously. (“Put it back!” she says.) What else could we try?

    1. Me2*

      I used to have my littles feed the pets. Give them a pitcher to fill the water bowl, which they think is fun. Same with watering houseplants. They can help with laundry at this age, sorting whites from darks. Carry dishes to the sink or counter. I remember mine would ask if the dishes were plastic, those could go in the sink, or ceramic, those would go on the counter. Chores at this age are mostly you supervising, helping, redoing as necessary, but it definitely plants the seed for the future. Make it a game (like learning colors when sorting laundry) for sure.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      If your washing machine is a front loader, my toddlers love helping me put laundry in ours!

    3. Jules the Third*

      Sorting clothes into lights and darks
      Maybe bill filing, if you color code your bill folders

    4. Emilie*

      When I worked as a cashier some people would let their very young children pay. They’d hand them the cash/card (I’m from a country where everyone pays by card), and then the child would hand the money to me/put the card in the machine (and then the parent would enter the code/do the signature). I always found it encredibly sweet and a great way to give the children an important job to do during grocery shopping, so they’d feel more involved.

      1. Red Reader*

        A caveat with this one from a former cashier: if you’re letting little kids pay with cash, please include the “before we get to the cashier, we want to make sure our money is not wadded into individual crumpled-up little balls and that we know roughly how much money we have” lesson, for the sake of both the cashier and also anyone else who might be in line behind you.

          1. Red Reader*

            I loved helping out little kids who were doing their first purchase with their very own money — I worked at a Target, so it happened a lot — but man, so often, Junior is just fishing handfuls of change and wadded up singles out of her pocket (or worse, her how-does-this-open-again piggy bank) and dumping it willy-nilly on the counter, and surprise they’re $2 short for their plushie and now dad is fishing for the couple bucks cash, and ALWAYS the next four people behind them in line were snotty and awful about it taking so long.

            1. MRK*

              Along with organizing money/making sure they have enough, please make sure you are with your child if they have your card. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a kid come up with a toy and their parents’ card while the parent is outside/across the store/otherwise unavailable. Here the problem is two fold. 1. I want to make sure the sale is ok and they kid hasn’t added or switched anything and 2. We need the card holder to sign or enter their pin. Your 6 year old can not sign your card slip, that’s fraud and we can lose the sale if it was contested.

        2. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

          slightly OT: Am I the only person with the bills in my wallet lined up facing the same direction and in descending order of denomination?

    5. Savannnah*

      I’ve seen 2 year olds sweep, dust (what they can reach) help put groceries away, put away their clothes, pick up toys, set the table and clear plates and load laundry. Depends on youe kid though!

    6. Agnodike*

      This nested wrong when I tried to post it, so copied from below:

      Unloading the dishwasher is a fave for my small people – I put their plastic dishes on the bottom when I load it and they take them out and stack them for me, or sort the cutlery as we put it away. Matching socks when we put away laundry is another fave, as is wiping down the table and high chair after a meal and cleaning up spills etc with a cloth. Outdoor chores were very fun with my eldest, who loved to pull weeds and did a surprisingly good job identifying them on her own (although we always confirmed before they got pulled!) but her brother was fond of eating dandelions so he didn’t get to do that one as often.

      1. Elf*

        If your lawn/garden was organic, that’s totally safe, dandelions are edible. (and delicious!)

        1. Agnodike*

          We do put dandelion greens in salad often! The issue was more the he would spend more time delicately plucking leaves and scattering dandelion seeds than weeding ;)

    7. Kuododi*

      When little sister and I were small people we were “helping” around the house as soon as we were toddling around the house. By that I mean taking plates to the sink, learning how to sort wash (darks and lights), tidying the bed covers.(Mom had to go behind us.and finish that task quite a bit until we got bigger and more proficient.). Obviously as we got older, the complexity of the tasks would increase. Have fun!!!

    8. King Friday XIII*

      Aside from putting her own toys away I think we started Princess Tuesday in on matching her socks, cleaning up her own spills, putting things in the trash can and we got a terrific deal on a kitchen tower so she’s been helping in the kitchen for forever. We also put her plates, bowls and plasticware in a low drawer so she can get them out herself, and put her things away as we unload the dishwasher. We also put her snacks on the lowest shelf in the pantry so she can get them out when she’s hungry. At three she decided she loves vacuuming so I found a lightweight vacuum that she can handle rather than a pretend one.

    9. Good Morning!*

      Ive picked based on what my kid is interested in combined with what I can currently stand. I have 2 under 3, so some learning messes are just too much.

      Silverware sorting. Wiping the table. Taking kids dishes to the table and back to the sink. Push any buttons, elevator, credit card machine, washer/dryer, help feed pets, vacuuming since 18months, sweeping, toy pick up, window wiping, pushing in chairs and closing doors, turning off lights, finding kid clothes in the laundry pile, putting groceries on the belt, grabbing diapers or towels for spills, pulling weeds.

      They will do anything. Whether its safe or not, so its more focusing on safety and personal sanity.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Pushing buttons!
        Erma Bombeck once said in one of her books, “My girls fight over who gets to press start on the dishwasher.” I laughed so hard because we did that too.

        1. LK03*

          Oh, I loved Erma Bombeck. We mostly use our dishwasher as a glorified dish drainer, but on those occasions when we actually run it, I’ll have to give the kid a chance to push ‘go’!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      My friend started teaching her grandchild to scramble eggs when the kid was about 3-4. The kid stood on a chair and my friend did NOT leave her side, nor did she even look away for a second. The kid did a good job and had a blast. (They did hand over hand.) This one is hugely dependent on the personality of the child. My friend took her outside to collect the eggs first, so she had a good feel for how this would go with her grandchild.

      1. LK03*

        We’re really hoping we can start our daughter cooking early — maybe we can do this sooner than I was thinking, and scrambled eggs would be an excellent start. Our whole kitchen is a no-go area for her right now unless someone is carrying her — rental house, not as childproofed in there as I would like — but she loves to balance on one parent’s hip and watch what the other parent is doing in the kitchen.

        How cool to collect eggs fresh from the yard and then scramble them! No chickens here, unfortunately.

        (And I just have to say this: as an infrequent poster but an avid reader on AAM, I always really appreciate your compassionate and insightful comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          ;)
          Back at ya, in the context of not every parent tries to teach their kid stuff. Thanks for being that very cool parent!

    11. Anonia*

      Toddlers can do lots of things! I teach preschool and we have them bring their plates over and dump out their cups, they help wash dishes (which we then put in the dishwasher); have your child help with folding wash clothes and her clothes, putting her own clothes away, putting away toys, putting books back on the shelf, help with measuring and stirring when cooking, etc.
      make sure you also teach her what I call personal chores-getting dressed putting on coats, hats, mittens, and shoes. I am always amazed every Sept at the number of kids who clearly have never been expected to put on their own shoes! If she has a backpack, she can start carrying her things and help with packing it. It’s all about teaching independence!

    12. LK03*

      Thanks everyone for the replies and suggestions!

      Some of the things we are already doing but didn’t think of as ‘chores’ — like working on having her pick out her own clothes and dress herself, or having her take her own jacket and shoes off when we come inside. And pushing buttons — that’s a favorite! Her father hit on the idea of having her turn the light on and off in her room (rocker switch) with her foot for nighttime diaper changes when she was about 3 months old, so we’ve got that one covered ;) and on a recent trip she was very excited about taking care of the elevator buttons in our hotel. (She’s just learning to recognize numerals now, which made the elevator extra fun: “Can you push the button with the 5?”)

      Some of the ideas (unsurprisingly) won’t work for us — no pets, and (shocked gasp) we don’t actually sort our laundry by color, and we don’t vacuum very much (hardwood floors). But I had already been thinking of getting her her very own little broom. And the idea of having her sort her own socks once the laundry is clean is brilliant — as is putting away her clean clothes, since her things are all in a low Ikea shelf-and-bucket thingy that she can reach.

      We definitely plan on starting her with cooking soonish, but I didn’t think of that as a chore either, lol. She already helped with the cookie cutters at holiday cookie time.

      I’m amazed, though, at all the suggestions about wiping off the table and setting the table. She’s only about 35 inches tall/not even a meter, so she barely clears the top of the table with her head. Still, those are good ideas to keep in mind for when she gets a little taller! (And she does wipe off her own highchair tray after meals…she likes to wipe things.)

    13. paul*

      I like to have ours help load the washer and unload the dishwasher and put up their own laundry. We pretty much have to supervise of course but…I keep telling myself it’ll help long run (I hope I’m right!)

    14. Jen*

      My kids (4.5,2) started helping set the table and unload the DW at or before 2. Now that my older one is…older…they can empty almost the whole dishwasher.the two year old gets plastic plates and paper napkins for everyone. We store all our plastic dishes in a low cabinet.

      I remove knives from the dishwasher, then the kids do the entire bottom rack. I do glasses and mugs out of the top rack and they do the rest.

      They help with laundry- older one started around 3 but has been helping my 2 y/o learn even younger. 2 y/o folds wash cloths and matches socks and puts her clothes in the right drawer (with supervision).

      They both sweep, though it’s really for practice for the 2 y/o. 2 y/o vacuums up crumbs if I give her the nozzle. They pick up many of their toys.

    15. Amy*

      My 19-month-old feeds the dog, picks up her toys and books at the end of the day, helps unload the dishwasher, carries her dirty clothes to the hamper, and wipes up any spills she makes. She thinks all of these tasks are great fun. We’re planning to add more as she grows older.

    16. Observer*

      Make clean up part of her routine. She puts away every.single.toy. Every.single.day.

      Have her put her things in the clothes hamper when she gets undressed.

      Help set and clear the table.

    17. Bunny McFoo*

      Oh, this is such a fun age to be working with! I have access to a wonderful resource in my mother – I turned out okay AND she taught preschool for twenty three years – and I just ran this question by her. Some of what she suggested has already been mentioned, but here’s a few that haven’t been:

      – Pouring the (pre-measured) soap in when doing laundry or running the dishwasher – or if no dishwasher is used, squeezing the bottle of dish soap.

      – Sorting laundry either before or after washing not only teaches household skills, it can be a great way to teach matching and patterns/scale – ie, these socks are little, these are Little LK socks. Can you find them all? Now these socks are bigger, these are Mama LK socks, etc. (Apparently I used to LOVE sorting out my undies from Mom’s undies and I still to this day adore folding towels. Folding sheets was another big favorite – I would hold two corners and she would hold the other two and we’d make it go UP and DOWN and then bring corners together!)

      – When you start cooking with her, apparently the biggies are helping to stir and (again) pouring things into the bowl. This is also a great time to start teaching her about some ingredients by letting her taste or smell them and then explaining what they do – things like salt, sugar, herbs, sauces, etc. We made muffins every Saturday and age two is when I got to start helping to decide what went into the muffins – from pre-selected options, of course – and eventually I did take over the muffins entirely. (I will have you know that pumpkin muffins with pistachios and dried apricots are shockingly good and we still eat them now, 30+ years on)

      – This is a great age to have them start “helping” with the grocery shopping – by which I mean explaining what you’re doing when you shop, and why. When we went to the farmer’s market I had my own little shopping bag and I was so proud of it! (Granted, it had things like, oh, one green bean, a flower, and a pretty pebble in it, but it’s *training* so that’s okay)

      – Dusting! Dusting is great for kids. I was always allowed to dust the shelves of the bookcases that I could reach and it was my own special job to dust the baseboards every week.

      – Making the bed: while much of this is going to be outside the scope of what a 2 year old can do, Mom suggests letting them “finish making the bed” by putting the pillows at the head of it and also possibly helping to pull the sheets or duvet up depending on how high the bed is

      1. LK03*

        Thanks for the detailed comment — sounds like your mom is a great resource!

        We already do some of the food and shopping things, like showing her ingredients and how we cook, and talking with her about what we’re doing while grocery shopping.

        Lots of folks have recommended laundry and sorting, and that certainly sounds like fun; I know kids like to match things. Lots of folks have also recommended setting/clearing the table, but she is way too short for that now! A good idea for the future, though.

        (Apparently you are from a universe where dusting the baseboards happens weekly? ;) That did make me giggle!)

        1. Bored IT Guy*

          When you are changing sheets on your (or her) bed, have her help take the old pillowcases off and put the clean pillowcases on the pillows.

  9. Elsa*

    Just venting about small frustrations that add up to a big frustration.

    I’d been waiting for a delivery (which contains information that could potentially be life changing but can’t be given over phone or email) and got a notice from UPS saying no one was home on their first attempt. I got permission to WFH the next day to make sure I’d be in…and found another notification instead!

    That’s when I realised the buzzer to my flat was broken! This was on Friday so my property manager can’t get it fixed before Monday (when the final delivery attempt is scheduled). There’s no option to get it re-directed or left at a pick-up spot and I have to sign for it in person. So basically on Monday I’ll probably have to just stand outside the door to my building for the four-hour window they give and hope to intercept the delivery person before they can leave another notice!

    Sigh. I hate it when something is delayed on a Friday ’til ‘next business day’ because that just puts a dampener on the weekend. Now I’m both annoyed by the prospect of having to literally stand and wait for hours, /and/ anxious about the results I’m waiting for. Not a good combo. ARGH.

    1. Red Reader*

      Oh geez!! :(
      Could you maybe stick a note, “buzzer broken, I swear I’m home, please call (phone number)” or something like that?

      1. Elsa*

        I thought about that, but I live on a really busy street (which has a restaurant downstairs so a lot of people go past) and I’m not all that comfortable putting my number there (probably paranoia, but still…). Plus I’m worried the note might get lost or something (paranoia x 2). I don’t get many packages like this though, so I’ll just have to suck it up and hope they come earlier in that window!

    2. Lcsa99*

      The buzzer at our old place was broker so we left a sign on the door saying it was broken but if they called my cell (number on the note) I would run down to meet him. Worked perfectly.

      Good luck!

      2. Elsa*

        Nope, I tired to arrange it online and it wouldn’t give me that option. I called the number and all I got were automated options to return to sender or arrange a different day. I’m in the UK, maybe options here are different?

    4. DietCokeHead*

      Oh, that’s really frustrating! I hope you can get the package on the third attempt. Good luck with everything!

    5. Jerry Vandesic*

      If you sign up for UPS My Choice, a free service, you can have packages delivered to local UPS store, which will hold the package until you go and pick it up. If you sign up for the paid version you can reroute the package to work, but I have found that delivering to the UPS Store works for me.

      1. Elsa*

        I tired to sign up to that option online! But it wouldn’t let me do it, I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a sensitive item or because the service isn’t available in the UK, but…ugh.

    6. valentine*

      See if you can get it redirected or if there’s a place on the notice to write in “buzzer broken/call me” or “buzz apt x” (having arranged w/ your neighbor to help you here).

  10. Crappy family issues*

    Cut my manipulative and abusive parents off completely three years ago. Best. Decision. Ever.
    My parents have been whiny as hell about it, pestering my husband and adult kids about it, showing up at my house uninvited, sending whiny letters on a regular basis that I don’t look at but husband reads and summarizes to me. Husband does not get it at all and is trying to play peacemaker and we’ve had a bazillion fights over it.
    I get along fine with most of my siblings, and we get together when we can. They all DO get it and have all at various times and for various reasons done the same thing.
    BUT. Family wedding this summer. I don’t want to miss it, as I love the people getting married dearly. It’s not local, we’ll be flying in and staying nearby all week. (I already drew the line at staying in the hotel.)
    BUT. Parents will be there.
    I could easily just ignore them and steer clear, but given their whiny persistence, that isn’t likely to work.
    If husband were 100% on board, I could get him to play interference. But he won’t. He’ll try to “broker peace.”
    Any advice or strategies for me?

    2. Red Reader*

      This is a husband problem. He doesn’t have to get it, he needs to be on Team You. Why is he so dedicated to disrespecting your wishes for dealing with your toxic family members?

      1. Jules the Third*

        +1 from another Awkward fan.

        But since he isn’t, yeah, reach out to other Team You members like your siblings. Maybe ask the family member getting married if you can have a ‘troubleshooter’ role at the wedding, so that anytime the Whining Parents (WPs) start to close in, you have to duck into the kitchen to check on appetizers, or round up that stray bridesmaid for pictures. You’d need a separate troubleshooter designated to any issues specific to WPs, and don’t get stuck with anything where you’re nailed to one spot.

      2. Drop Bear*

        I agree but fixing that is the long game. The short game is getting through the wedding probably. Sorry if my sports metaphors failed!

        1. Red Reader*

          I mean, it’s not a long game though. It’s really simple. If I say “I don’t want (whoever) to be in my life,” especially where (whoever) is someone that my husband wouldn’t have any interactions with ANYWAY if he didn’t know me, then his only role in the exchange is to go “Okay.” and help me out with making that not happen. He doesn’t get to second-guess me or argue with me or try to change my mind, because doing any of that makes him a jerk.

          It’s a little less simple if it’s HIS family that I’m trying to cut out of my life, but still can be pretty straightforward, and he still doesn’t get to argue with me as long as I’m not saying HE has to cut them out too. (My husband’s twin brother and I amicably despise each other. So when he goes to hang out with his brother, I stay home. It’s really not rocket surgery.)

          1. Drop Bear*

            It shouldn’t be a long game but it can be. What he SHOULD do and what he WILL do are likely miles apart. It can be hard for people with functional families/upbringings to understand that estrangement can be the healthiest option. Or perhaps he doesn’t believe her about her family, or (insert a dozen other possible reasons here)….. Whatever the reason he’s not on her side at the moment, so while in the ideal world he’d step up for the wedding he hasn’t in the past (a bazillion fights!) so the OP needs a strategy for the wedding that takes into account that he most likely won’t have ‘seen the light’ by then.

            1. Red Reader*

              Again, he doesn’t have to “see the light.” He needs to show some respect for his wife. If he can’t do that, then maybe he can just stay home by himself and at least not actively sabotage her mental health. Because that’s what he’s doing, and that’s not something that she should be expected to wait around for him to decide he’s ready to stop.

              1. Drop Bear*

                I’m not disagreeing with you about what he should do. But people often don’t do what they should and sometimes that never changes. CFI’s reality is that he ‘doesn’t get it’ , he hasn’t changed his ‘peace maker’ role in spite of a gazillion fights about it and he can’t be relied on to play interference at the wedding. Saying over and over why he is wrong won’t change CFI’s reality.

                What’s more, I didn’t say she was ‘expected to wait around for him to decide he’s ready to stop’. I think it is clear I was trying to point out that he probably wouldn’t stop quickly, if at all, and so she needed strategies to manage the wedding around that. Which is what she was asking for in the post!

          2. Crappy family issues*

            We’re totally working on it, but it absolutely IS a long game here. If all your relationship conflicts are resolved in a snap, you’re hugely lucky. It’s not that simple. But you can go on enjoying your marvelously simple and straightforward life full of nothing but easy fixes.

      3. Emilie*

        I had the same thought. Some things are not up for debate in a relationship. He’ll have to respect your decision. And then you can debate everything else, from the colour of the bathroom tiles to where you should go on vacation, or how you should treat your children.

      4. neverjaunty*

        My guess is that he dislikes conflict and has his own But Faaaaamily issues and he’s dumping them all over CFI.

        Dude needs to be sat down and told to cut it out, immediately and forever. And if he wants to read whiny letters he can do so silently and to himself.

        1. Crappy family issues*

          No, he doesn’t have family issues. That’s why this is an issue. He cannot wrap his brain around the idea that a parent/child relationship can be so bad I don’t *want* to salvage it.
          He is conflict averse, too, so you’re right on that part.

          1. Natalie*

            Have you tried talking about this with a couples counselor? With my spouse and I sometimes we need a third party that’s not invested/frustrated/defensive to reframe/rephrase the issue for the one of us to get it.

    3. Not That Jane*

      Honestly, I think you’ll ultimately need your husband to “get it.” Any chance of doing a few sessions of couples counseling to talk it through and help him get there?

    4. neverjaunty*

      You already know if you go to this wedding that you are going to have to do some family deflection as the price of admission.

      Sounds like before going you need to have an extremely serious chat with Husband about expectations: he doesn’t have to agree with your decision, but he has to respect it, and that means having your back and not undermining you.

    5. Temperance*

      It’s really hard for people who haven’t dealt with these issues to understand. There’s a recent column in “Care and Feeding” on Slate that has some excellent advice, and (shockingly) the comments are great.

    6. Another Anonymous Librarian*

      Suggestion for the JustNOFamily on Reddit, if you haven’t been there. They have a lot of strategies and advice, not just about parents but also about your not 100% SO.

    7. Anono-me*

      Is husband close to the engaged couple? If not, maybe he shouldn’t go. I don’t mean this in a high drama way; rather if he isn’t close to the engaged, you have to buy a plane ticket for him, and he will try to make things 50s tv family happy between you and your parents rather than 50 feet away happy that maybe it doesn’t make any sense for him to go.
      Good luck.

    8. heckofabecca*

      I cut off my dad about 2 weeks before my own wedding; the next summer, a cousin on his side got married and he’d be there. I feel you!!! It’s such a stressor.

      I’m sorry that your husband isn’t supporting you in this. He should be! As if things aren’t stressful enough without him adding crap to the pile. :/ So many props to you for holding fast even in the fact of such behavior. I don’t know how I would have managed it in your situation.

      Do any of your siblings still talk to your parents? If so, can you talk to them about potentially running interference at the event? If not, maybe they have other ideas. Good luck.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Fire him as UN peacekeeper.
      This means tell him to stop summarizing letters for you. And anything else he does to bridge the relationship.
      See, when we let other people do these things, it gives them an inroad that they can use to get more involved in things. Or perhaps it makes them feel like they are responsible even if they aren’t.
      Take away his power to be involved.

      So this is take with one hand and give with the other hand.

      Here’s the give part. I had a fight with my father. It was not good, my husband never seen us get really ticked at each other. It took a long time, but months after my father and I worked through our issue, my husband finally opened up and he said he had never seen two people get so ticked at each other. Then it dawned on me. He was looking at my relationship with my parents and trying to see what that would mean in my relationship with HIM!
      Help your husband to understand that this is your relationship with your parents and he does not need to worry about you handling your relationship with him in a similar manner. Explain that he is very different from your folks and you don’t need to put your foot down in such a hard way with him. Also say that you realize that you have been letting him bridge the gap between you and your folks and this is asking too much of him. Tell him from now on your relationship (or the lack of relationship) will be solely on you to handle. Yes, that maybe a little be removed from reality. Reality might be that he inserted himself when his help was not wanted. However, in order to reach your husband you will have to have a very high awareness of HIS perspective. And you will have to meet him on the grounds with a sign that says “Husband’s perspective, enter here.” Make sure he knows that you love him and make sure he knows you remember you promised you will always love him.

      1. Dopameanie*

        This is brilliant. I was going to type something similar, but you did a much better job than I could have. I co-sign *EVERYTHING* NSNR put.

    10. Casuan*

      Attend the wedding & don’t let anyone prevent you from celebrating with those you love.
      Tell your husband that your focus is on the happy couple & that you will be civil with your parents. Also tell him that whilst you appreciate that he tries to broker peace it is now officially time that he stops doing this. Expect a learning curve because this seems to be his default mode; when he goes into mediator mode remind him that you don’t want to hear it & change the subject.

      Civil can only go so far before it becomes strained, so have civil topics on hand &or an out for when your parents talk with you… deflection can work although when that fails always have an out:
      “The kids are doing well, thank you for asking! How is Great Aunt Esther doing?”
      “Somebody asked me how my mum & dad met & I told them I couldn’t do the story justice. Tell me again?”
      “This isn’t a good time to discuss why [I’m a horrid daughter who can’t take your whining]. Excuse me, I need to go [do this other thing].”

      Also have an out with any mediator wanna-bes who want to talk with you.
      “Wakeen, I appreciate what you’re trying to do although this isn’t the venue for that. Did you hear how Fergus & Arya met? It’s epic!”

      It can definitely help to have a partner-in-crime who will run interference, such as to be the person who asked how your parents met. Bonus if your husband would agree to support you in this way!

    11. Onomatopoeia*

      As difficult as this is, just be the bigger person. The greatest gift that you can give to the about-to-be-wedded couple is no trill of stress and dissension through their wedding ceremony and festivities. Hard? Oh heck yes. I’ve experienced similar estrangement issues in my life, we all have. Give everyone, including yourself, the gift of conducting yourself with calm, disinterested courtesy when you must interact with your folks. You aren’t endorsing their behavior or their treatment of you; you’re not offering renewed relations when the wedding week is over, you’re simple claiming the higher ground. If they try to bait you, and likely they will, with conversation to discuss the undercurrent, reply with a happy remark about the wedding. Or the lovely venue. This is how I endured my abusive ex at my daughter’s wedding. No one who didn’t already know, would have guessed the years of pain and misery between the two of us. I did this for my daughter. It didn’t harm me. I gave her the gift of no unpleasant undercurrent. No snipe, no sarcasm. Just happiness on her behalf. It is near physically painful to endure the presence of someone who has harmed you and not let it show, believe me, I truly get it. My coping thought is: “Let go, let love, let life, let God.”

      1. Crappy family issues*

        That’s exactly what I want to do. Problem is, my parents will try to force the issue. When they showed up uninvited at my home, I could refuse to let them in, close the door and wait for them to leave. Can’t exactly do that at a wedding.
        I *know* how to behave myself. You make it sound like I don’t.

        1. Mustela Furo*

          I disagree that you are called upon to “be the bigger person” and “be nice.” Victims of abuse or bullying are often asked to “be the bigger person” and it is annoying as hell. If you want to go to the wedding, go…just be civil and brief to these difficult people. Have multiple escape plans, such as refreshing your drink, talking to an old friend, having to pee, getting an urgent call. You can deploy the phrase “I’m not discussing this now” and “Let’s focus on the wedding!” If you think they won’t leave you alone (like, they will chase you to the bar or bathroom), enlist the help of other relatives to run interference who will magically show up and ask them for stories or advice, or even tell them to Leave It Alone. I strongly encourage you to take your own car (maybe even a separate one from your husband, if he isn’t on Your Team) and be ready to just leave the venue if absolutely necessary. Hugs from afar if you want them!

    12. valentine*

      Can you not draw a hard line about the no-contact? forbid receipt of letters at your residence. (In the US, you can send them back “RTS Refused”. Take before/after photos, in case you need evidence someday.) Tell your husband and kids to stop mentioning your parents. There is a greater peace possible. Ask the couple if they have designated bouncers and work with them and your siblings to devise multiple redirects of your parents/commanding your parents’ attention, versus you having to run around to avoid them.

    14. LilySparrow*

      I’d leave husband at home, honestly.

      “I can do this on my own, or I can miss out on something really important to me. But I can’t do it with you along, because you will spend the whole time hurting me and making my life harder.”

      One would hope it might be a wake-up call.

    15. ket*

      Of all the weird places to get ideas, the “Dealing with In-laws” forum on BabyCenter (or the “All in the family” board) might be good. There are a lot of readers there who have dealt with crazier parents (pestering, showing up, sending whiny letters, stalking, breaking in, starting lawsuits, trying to steal grandchildren, etc) and it sounds like you’re at the level of difficulty that requires stronger measures than “be polite” and “change the topic gracefully”.

    16. Dopameanie*

      So, no joke, my wedding and reception budget included paying for a BOUNCER. Just in case certain relations decided to show up unannounced or certain invited relations tried to make a scene. Can you leave husband at home and invite an intimidating muscly friend instead? Tell people you brought a buddy from work since hubby is feeling under the weather? Or, I mean, you could be honest and say you don’t want to talk to your parents but they insist on invading your life so you brought someone who can minimize that? This is a more dramatic solution than others will suggest, but it’s advantage is that it may embarrass your parents to the point they leave you alone. No matter how you handle it, I agree with others that you have a marriage issue not a parental issue. I hope it works out!!

    17. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Reddit. JustNoSO, JustNoFamily, JustNoMIL. Whichever applies to you.

      I’ve also heard good things about DWIL, but never spent time there.

    19. Rusty Shackelford*

      I’m coming in late, but motherinlawstories.com is a great resource (not only for dealing with ILs, but your own family as well).

  11. The Other Dawn*

    As part of my commitment to start cooking more (no motivation lately), eat healthier and journal my food intake (in an effort to lose a few pounds and take back control), I bought a couple sweet potatoes last weekend. I was at the store, feeling positive and seeing some nice looking produce, which is how I ended up with two big sweet potatoes–about a pound and a half.

    What to do with them? I find that recipes that prominently feature sweet potato as the main ingredient are just too much for me, such as roasted or mashed, or hash. I’d rather it be more in proportion with other ingredients, or an accent. I found a recipe for sweet potato cornbread on Budget Bytes, but that would be dangerous to have in the house. I don’t think I could control myself.

    If it helps, I have a bunch of grains, like wheatberries, farro, quinoa and amaranth (don’t even remember why I bought this!). I have some lentils (I thought about SP lentil loaf). Pasta, of course. Meats.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Maybe a shepherd’s/cottage pie with mashed sweet potato instead of regular potato? I had a good vegan one with lentils recently, although I’m sure you could use actual meat too.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I was going to suggest this too! I made one this week. Just threw every vegetable I had (leeks, mushrooms, diced tomatoes, carrots) in a cast iron pan and used mashed sweet potatoes for the topping. I was planning to use lentils, but I ended up having so many veggies that I just threw in some silken tofu.

    3. Zathras*

      I love to eat sweet potatoes very plain – just cut them up into small pieces and cook them in olive oil. Once they are cooked, put some salt and pepper on top and you’re done! I do this on the stovetop in a cast iron pan but the oven would probably work too. Sometimes I get fancy and add some different spices on (paprika is a favorite). I eat this as a main dish, usually with some greens on the side. (I tend to like boring food, so YMMV on whether this is a suitable main dish.)

      As a bonus, sweet potatoes do not lose any deliciousness if you burn them a little bit, so if some of them look burned, don’t toss them – just think of them as artisanally seared. They will taste fine.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I like this too–and if I nuke the potato about halfway cooked and then put it in the fridge, I can take it out and cut it up later and cook it. It saves time so I can have it for breakfast.

        The other day, I had corned beef hash, two poached eggs, and a small spinach salad for breakfast. Vegetables aren’t just for dinner! :)

        Also, I like to cut up cooked sweet potatoes and put them in ramen. You can do this with a different soup if you don’t eat ramen.

    4. Drop Bear*

      I make sweet potato, green bean, tomato and red lentil curry a lot. Coconut milk and/or cream to thicken if desired. Served on a bed of whatever grain you have.

      1. Emilie*

        I’m joining team curry! Dahl/daal is also a great indian dish to use up stuff like sweet potato.

    6. Jules the Third*

      Sweet potatoes would go well in a grain salad, but it also freezes really well. We buy 30lbs at a time, spend a day roasting / peeling / mashing / freezing them and have easy sweet potatoes for 3 months.

      If you chose to do that, find serving-sized storage containers and freeze each serving individually. I use the Glad freezer squares; Mr. Jules uses vacuum sealer bags.

    7. Not That Jane*

      Ming Tsai has a vegetarian paella recipe with edamame and sweet potato. Not sure if it’s available online, but you could try Googling for that.

    8. Drop Bear*

      If you are craving a sweet bite, a favourite of mine is diced sweet potato microwaved until soft, then fried with diced apple, sliced banana and ginger to taste (powdered or grated) in ‘healthy’ oil until the banana softens.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Ohhhh…that’s a great idea. And I have two bananas that are heading south very quickly. Although they are VERY ripe so I might be better off saving those for baked oatmeal.

    12. epi*

      Sweet potatoes (any potatoes really) make a good base for other foods that aren’t a meal on their own, kind of like pasta or rice. Cube then, bake them, and use the time to make a topping. Quick veggie chili (can of black beans +can of tomatoes + western veggie mix + seasonings) and cooked down dark leafy greens taste great with sweet potatoes. I like my greens with red pepper, lemon, and parmesan. Or ginger and jalapeño.

      Mashed sweet potatoes also make a really good breakfast. Salt them, then top then with some plain yogurt and dried berries or granola. If you use granola it’s more like eating oatmeal, not an overwhelming sweet potato experience. The great thing about them is you should get more than two breakfasts for your effort since you are mixing them with other stuff.

    13. Agnodike*

      Unloading the dishwasher is a fave for my small people – I put their plastic dishes on the bottom when I load it and they take them out and stack them for me, or sort the cutlery as we put it away. Matching socks when we put away laundry is another fave, as is wiping down the table and high chair after a meal and cleaning up spills etc with a cloth. Outdoor chores were very fun with my eldest, who loved to pull weeds and did a surprisingly good job identifying them on her own (although we always confirmed before they got pulled!) but her brother was fond of eating dandelions so he didn’t get to do that one as often.

      1. Agnodike*

        I don’t know why this nested here instead of under the toddler chores, but since I’m here…toss them in oil, paprika, garlic powder and salt, and bake at 400 until they’re caramelized. Good side dish, good as part of a salad, good as a snack.

    14. Sweet potato help*

      I’m also a person who often finds plain sweet potatoes to be Too Much. Crisping them helps me, fwiw. In terms of specific recipes, the New York times has a recipe for oven baked hash (with white potatoes) and I find that making it with half white potatoes and half sweet potatoes is a good choice. Smitten kitchen also just posted a recipe for sweet potato and black bean tacos that I think would be quite good and help mitigate (via crisping, the addition of black beans, and toppings like salty cheese and pickled onions) the richness and sweetness that are the aspects of sweet potatoes I find can be unappealing.

    15. Die Forelle (The Trout)*

      I make a southwestern-flavored quinoa and sweet potato bowl:
      1. Cube the sweet potato, toss on a baking sheet with salt, pepper, and chipotle chili powder (reg chili powder would probably work, too). Bake at 425 for 20 minutes or so
      2. Make a pot of quinoa according to package directions
      3. Dice a red bell pepper, then saute the pepper, some black beans, and some corn in a skillet
      4. Put it all in a bowl together with some sliced or chopped avocado, sour cream or Greek yogurt, and a squeeze of lime juice. Some cilantro and/or green onions to garnish if you have them.

      This is one of my go-to easy meals, it’s vegetarian and can be done vegan by omitting the sour cream/yogurt. It sounds like a lot from the directions, but you can probably do all of steps 2-4 while the sweet potatoes roast.

    16. Junior Dev*

      You could do a veggie burger with mashed sweet potato, cooked lentils, some flour or bread crumbs for binding, and whatever seasonings. Heat up some oil in a skillet, pick up a scoop of the veggie burger mix with a large spoon, plop it on, and flip it after about 5 minutes, then keep cooking and flipping til it is browned on both sides.

    17. AvonLady Barksdale*

      You can always do a grain bowl! Roast some sweet potatoes, chickpeas, broccoli, carrots… anything you have, really. Place on top of grains and make some kind of sauce (when I did this on Thursday I made a peanut-tahini sauce) and you have a delicious, healthy, filling dinner. Very little clean-up too, if you use parchment paper on your baking sheet when you roast the veggies.

    18. Chameleon*

      Stuffed sweet potato can be a main or side dish: Roast one sweet potato per person. When it’s done, scoop out the flesh and mash it. Meanwhile, sautee some ground turkey, diced carrots, celery, onion, and mushrooms and add it to the mashed potato. Put the mash back into the potato skin and serve! Makes a very filling dinner with plenty of leftovers, and one cup (a generous serving) is less than 400 calories.

    19. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      If you “bake” a sweet potato in the microwave and only use a little at a time it’ll keep for a while wrapped up in the fridge. Try substituting it for 30% of the regular potato in dishes you already know you like. You can also mash one or two spoonfuls into a bowl of oatmeal, or add a few scoops to a batch of muffins. Not enough for it to be a dominant flavor, just a little hint.

    20. PB*

      I like to peel and chop them, sauté them, and make them into a curry. I don’t have a recipe. I just make it up with what I have on hand. Usually, I cook down some coconut milk, add some red curry paste and whatever spices I have on hand, add the sweet potatoes and any other vegetables I have on hand, and serve over rice.

    21. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I definitely will try some of them. I especially like the chili idea, as well as shepherd’s pie and a few others.

      I think next time I will plan a little better when I want to buy something new. That’s the problem with going grocery shopping when you want to try something new, but don’t know what–you just pick up random stuff without thinking how you’ll use it.

    22. periwinkle*

      Echoing the suggestion to use sweet potatoes in chili. I make a veggie-heavy (but not vegetarian) chili with ground turkey, cubed sweet potatoes, winter squash if I’m feeling brave enough to cut it, chopped onions, sliced mushrooms, chopped kale, diced tomatoes, and at least two colors of beans (black beans plus some other type). I also make Japanese curry regularly with pork, onions, and sweet potatoes.

      If you puree cooked sweet potatoes, it mixes in nicely with tomato-based sauces and adds a bit of natural sweetness along with the extra beta carotene kick.

    23. Ali G*

      A couple of options:
      Google “vegan lentil chili” and get the recipe from The Kitchin and sub the butternut squash for sweet potato.
      Shred along with either shredded zucchini (be sure to squeeze water out) or regular shredded potato and make potato cakes (mix shredded veg with some egg and a little flour or corn meal. Drop dollops in a cast iron pan with some oil and cook on each side until brown and crispy). I eat this on a bed of spinach and shallot, with some greek yogurt.
      I’m not the biggest fan of sweet potatoes either. They are too sweet for me, but these two recipes balance them out a bit.

    24. HannahS*

      Some kind of grain with roasted sweet potato chunks, a green veggie like green beans, and protein/no protein as desired (beans! chicken! tofu!), with either a lime-based vinagrette dressing or maybe a chili-based one, or a sweet honey-mustard.

    25. cat socks*

      I am doing my meal planning for the week and am going to make the Spicy Peanut Soup with Sweet Potato & Kale. This my second time making it because it’s delicious!

        1. Still working on the user name*

          The cocoa powder is a stroke of genius, imo. It adds such an incredible depth of flavor. I hope you enjoy – this is my absolute favorite recipe to share!

    28. Stellaaaaa*

      How about baking them like a regular baked potato? They caramelize a bit and get sweeter. Just add butter.

    29. Roja*

      I’m a huge fan of baking them in the microwave (or oven if that’s your thing). Then while it’s baking, you sautee up some black or kidney beans with some chopped tomatoes in a pinch of olive oil, and add curry powder or cumin, coriander, and salt. Top with some sour cream. Oh man, is it ever good!

    30. LilySparrow*

      I like them anywhere you’d use a regular potato:

      Soup, stew, filling in a pasty, hash, sliced and oven-fried, grated for pancakes, etc.

    31. The Other Dawn*

      Something I just thought to ask, since there are apparently a lot of sweet potato lovers here: what would be the approximate weight of a small, medium or large potato? I bought two, and they weighed a total of 1.5 pounds. And those were two of the smaller ones in the bin.

  12. Anne*

    I’ve been thinking a bit about chronic illnesses lately. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness when I was around 13. I always try to remind myself that I’m lucky it’s one of the relatively less ‘disruptive’ ones (no obviously outward symptoms, controlled with medication) but when there’s a flare-up I can’t help but be a bit resentful of all the people who don’t have to deal with this stuff (or having to worry about keeping up with meds etc. in the first place).

    Recently though one of my friends mentioned that she also has a chronic illness (it was just in passing, about why she was switching up her diet/lifestyle), also one that’s mostly invisible. I’d never have suspected her of having any health problems before she told me this, and I’ve known her since we were in high school!

    That just got me wondering how many other people in my life (inner or outer circles) are actually dealing with their own health issues that I wouldn’t have guessed. After all no one would know about my condition unless I tell them (or if they’re a medical professional and know what they’re looking for), so it’s possible that they’d felt about me the way I’d felt about other people not having to deal with certain issues.

    Anyway, that’s rambling a bit, but I guess it was just a bit of a reminder to not assume everyone else has it easy just because the have no noticeable problems.

    1. CleverGirl*

      I have sleep apnea and I regularly go through resentment phases. I’m not overweight, and was diagnosed in my 20s and I didn’t fit the “profile” fit sleep apnea at all. My neurologist was shocked at my sleep study results. I hate hate HATE using a CPAP but I don’t sleep well without it, and honestly even with it I don’t think my sleep quality is as good as people who don’t have sleep apnea. I’m so angry and jealous of other people who can just plop into bed and go to sleep without strapping a huge mask to their face and turning on a machine to help them breathe, and who can go camping in a tent without electricity, and who wake up feeling energetic and refreshed instead of wanting to also for 10 more hours.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        +1
        Though my home medical company did give me a sheet of instructions on how you could hook a CPAP up to a marine/deep cycle battery for use in places without power. I haven’t done it yet.

      2. Lujessmin*

        I freaking LOVE my CPAP. The fact that I get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep outweighs any inconvenience (although, I don’t really have a problem with using it.)

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          It’s definitely a love/hate relationship for me. I do like the better quality of sleep, but the mask is just such a nuisance. Maybe someday there will be something better.

          1. CleverGirl*

            I hold out hope for this. Since sleep apnea is such a common sleep disorder, I hope there is research going on for ways to fix, cure, or deal with it.

        2. CleverGirl*

          Okay I admit I love that I actually sleep now, but I hate the fact that I have to have a CPAP to sleep. So I guess it is a love-hate thing. I don’t like that it restricts the positions I can sleep in (I used to sleep on my stomach but that position pushes the mask off my face) and that I am tethered to something with a hose, and that LITERALLY EVERY NIGHT as soon as I turn it on my nose starts itching and I have to pull the mask off to scratch it, and then it makes sneezing kind of a pain (I also have basically chronic allergies so I’m pretty much always sneezing). I do like that I don’t wake up with a splitting headache every morning, and that I can go to a meeting during the day and not start nodding off halfway through.

    2. Kj*

      I totally agree that lots of people don’t obviously look like they have health problems, but do. I was recently diagnosed with PCOS due to fertility problems. I talked to three separate friends about it and they ALL had PCOS too. It was so weird. I am the “least conventional” of the PCOS diagnoses, which is why mine wasn’t caught until I was 31 and trying to get pregnant for over a year. Now I’m 12 weeks pregnant and super happy. But it was interesting to realize so many people had what I thought was a rare illness.

    3. fposte*

      I think that increased diagnosis and awareness means that chronic illnesses are really common, and the older you get the more likely you are to have something and to have friends with something. IMHO, the needle is shifting a bit from the “the majority is healthy and some unlucky people have a problem” to “many bodies have factory-installed glitches and most bodies undergo detectable wear and tear that affects their operators’ lives.”

      1. Casuan*

        …“many bodies have factory-installed glitches and most bodies undergo detectable wear and tear that affects their operators’ lives.”

        Love this!!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I read some where that 90% of the population has a heart problem. For many the problem will never develop into something that warrants treatment. But I would be willing to bet that it contributes to other problems later in life.

      3. TL -*

        It’s mostly due to an aging population – the older the population gets, the more likely something chronic pops up. Evolution really only pushes for a healthy majority to the end of the reproductive years*; we now have a population that is living long beyond that, due to effective treatments for most acute conditions.

        Obviously, if you look at populations with limited access to health care and large socioeconomic problems, you’ll see the opposite – lots of acute problems, very few chronic ones, and a much younger population.

        *Why Huntington’s disease can stay in the population even though it’s caused by a dominant gene – it manifests after reproductive years are done (40s/50s) and thus is not quickly eliminated from the gene pool like the majority of deadly dominant mutations are.

    4. nep*

      I hope I’m not going too off-track here.
      I teach fitness classes and over time I’ve learned that many of the beautiful, upbeat, fit people I’ve met have had or still have some crazy challenging health issues. It’s humbling and uplifting every day. And just a great reminder — we never know what people have been through or are going through.
      I had a lovely and powerful reminder a few months back. I was at a gathering where I interacted and played music with some people. This one woman had a particularly beautiful glow about her. I was drawn to her; at the same time my jerk brain was entertaining all those ridiculous thoughts we sometimes have — comparing myself to her. All that ego BS.
      Well. I exchanged emails with her a few days later as part of something I was writing about the event. I learned from her email she’s survived a brain tumor, six brain surgeries, two strokes, and she’d died twice.
      Yeah.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Many of the beautiful, fit, upbeat people have had that “come to Jesus” moment where the choices are “sink” or “swim” and they chose “swim”. This woman chose “swim” many times over. This is someone who is tremendously strong at their core/spirit/whatever we can call it.

        It’s okay, nep. You have your own unique beauty that no one else has. So do I and so does everyone else.

        1. nep*

          Thanks. Oh I didn’t mean to suggest that I doubt that one bit. Sure we all have moments when we’re down and not at our best, and some of us do that comparing thing. In any case I know that it’s only when I glory in the grace, beauty, and power of others as well as myself that I’m free.
          All One.

    5. Junior Dev*

      I have a bunch of stuff going on and I don’t know to what extent I would classify it as a chronic illness–it’s more like I have a bunch of mental health problems that take various forms in various life circumstances, plus some weird food intolerancees, plus a susceptibility to some physical health problems that I need to work hard to make sure they don’t flare up again.

      But yeah. I’m on a bunch of psych meds right now and it keeps me marginally functional at work and in society as a whole. I also exercise a lot because if I go more than a few days without it, my brain goes to a pretty dark place. Right now my project is learning to exercise in a way that doesn’t over-exert myself, to approach it from a place of joy and self-compassion rather than grinding myself into the ground and risking injuries. I’m starting physical therapy again and it’s bringing up a bunch of unpleasant feelings about the last time I had major physical health problems.

      I wonder how many people are suffering in some mental or physical way and they’ve gotten used to it and don’t realize there are resources out there that could help them. Probably a lot. I know before the current round of psych meds I was getting used to the idea that ordinary social interactions would send me into a spiral of self-loathing panic.

    6. Thlayli*

      There’s an old saying “everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

      The perfect life doesn’t exist. Every single person I’ve ever been close enough to to have deep meaningful conversations with has some serious sadness going on, whether it be health issues, family issues, abuse, childhood bullying, whatever. No one has the perfect life, even if if looks like it from the outside. Everyone has problems.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Right on.

        I had a family member (FM) who argued that there were people out there having perfect lives. I started to enter the argument but I backed out because of the absurdity. FM actually believes people have perfect lives, which sets her up for huge, larger than life disappointments with her own life.

        Growing up in the 60s, we were all told how marvelous the Kennedy family was. The pics were idyllic. It was so easy to get drawn into the dream. The truth is that they are a family, not much different than every other family, a mix of good eggs and rotten apples, those who are just lost and those who die too young. That’s it. No amount of wealth, fame, followers can shield us from Life Stuff.

      2. Mobuy*

        Yes Thayli, this is so true. I had cancer 5 years ago, my parents-in-law lost a 14-year-old daughter 14 years ago, the list goes on and on. Emily Dickenson’s poem “I measure every grief I meet” really speaks to this idea, and it really helps me remember your point.

    7. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      I’ve had multiple sclerosis for almost 30 years. The first five of those years was: my knowing that my body was going haywire, being so fatigued that I couldn’t talk & walking the five steps to the bathroom was more arduous than I’d ever think it could be, dealing with the mindf*ck aspects— which consisted of my being confused & terrified, wondering if that state was the new standard for the rest of my life, having to deal with other’s thoughts & feelings, battling the questions of if I was a hypochondriac &or faking it because I “just wanted attention,” wanting a diagnosis to justify what was going on yet not wanting a diagnosis because I didn’t want to be ill— dealing with different doctors & specialists yet still no one could tell me why I was sick…
      Once I was diagnosed I had to battle my company to go back to work because they didn’t understand how I could be ill yet not look sick & there were times when I kind of wished that I was wheelchair-bound because in the corporate newspaper there was a profile of a paraplegic employee that described how difficult it was for him to go into work two or three days per week & he could also work from home because he had a disability.
      Although I was genuinely glad that he could still do so much, I was also resentful because it was obvious he was impaired & I couldn’t resist thinking that if I had more visual symptoms then I might be able to get the the accomodations that could help me.

      So… yeah. I get the resentment thing. Sometimes I also resent myself for actually thinking that if I were more “visibly” unwell then things might be easier because that is sooo very much not true. Mostly I try to be grateful for all that I can do, especially because with MS, tomorrow my symptoms could get worse & I would be confined to a wheelhcair for the rest of my life. Then again, that might not happen & really any living person could be in an accident that would change their lives forever.

      What ‘ve learned from all of this…?
      Tolerance. Knowing that everyone has their own issues, whether it’s illness, insecuritues, family drama &or other skeletons in their respective closets.
      And I’ve learned some humility because there are many whose experiences are so much more intense than mine & often I’m glad that I have “only” MS. Still I’m far from humble.

      What I haven’t yet learned—at least not to my satisfaction— is to shake off others’ attitudes. So I tend to say that I have MS because I hate for others to think that I’m lazy or otherwise trying to get away with something.
      I’m still working on this one.

      I don’t suffer from my illness. It just pisses me off.

      Everyone has something & it’s easy to forget this. It’s also kind of cool when we learn of others’ difficulties because they can connect us & help us to be better people. Definitely I’m a better person from my experiences & from others sharing with me.

      1. Julia*

        My mother has MS. It is scary how many people are… not well(?) when you really start talking with them.
        I remember when we were children, we were saying that every family has their own battle and issue. Now twenty years later it is every person has their own battle.

      2. Slartibartfast*

        “I don’t suffer from my illness. It just pisses me off”

        That really resonates with me. Fibromyalgia, it won’t kill me. It just makes simple things incredibly difficult.

    8. Circus peanuts*

      My fiance is on disability. My parents have only seen him on his good days. If he is having problems, he stays home. And so every time I speak with my parents, they want to know when he is going to get a job. Because he seems so healthy to them.

      1. Casuan*

        Go to “but you don’t look sick-dot-com” for “The Spoon Theory.”
        Email it to everyone you know &or print it out for your parents. Hopefully it will help others to understand a little better.

      1. Dopameanie*

        They have actual robber masks on! They will never be able to get bank accounts because the bank will have them arrested. If the banking industry knows better than to have them around, we should too!

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          You are clearly in the pocket of Big Opossum and have bought into their anti-raccoon agenda!

          1. Dopameanie*

            Actually, I am paying restitution for that one time I decided to see if it was true about what they say regarding opossums and full outhouses.

            I still can’t look them in the eyes. (Because their eyes are closed when they play dead.)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        They do! FarmBoyEx and I had a pet one for a while. She liked to play with my braid.

        I like opossums too. They eat lots of pests and almost never get rabies (body temperature is too low).

      1. Kj*

        Love their faces. And their little hands. I want a pet raccoon! (I know it is a bad idea in reality, but I love them so much.) I have raccoon socks too because I love raccoons so!

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      That’s a controversial opinion? They are creepy emeffers. They have weird claws and they look you straight in the eye. Same with skunks.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I grew up in the country, and for as long as I can recall, my father waged war against the skunks that would come onto our property. It was a sensible decision, since skunks often carry disease and especially rabies and we had pets.

        But my father built up a reputation, to the point that people give him skunk-related gifts now (he has a skunk figurine in the back yard and a skunk magnet on the refrigerator).

        1. Dopameanie*

          So I met a tame skunk once. It had its scent gland removed and ate dog food. It was super friendly and very curious. It’s owner said if you get a pet skunk you don’t ever need to lock your doors again. Robbers will turn and run on sight. It may have been psychosomatic, but I thought it was still slightly stinky.

      1. Dopameanie*

        They have the soul of Gollum wrapped in the fur of a cat. Raccoons probably steal their fur from those poor naked hairless cats.

    5. fposte*

      They are Trojan cute, because they will take you, or at least your pets, effing DOWN. People freak out over opossums because they’re ugly and weird and offer treats to raccoons because they’re cute. And which one is likelier to give you rabies and dispatch your Rottweiler? That’s right, the masked bandit.

    7. Canadian Natasha*

      Hmmm, well there’s the rabies proneness and the Lady Macbeth style compulsive washing so I can see your point. Also my sister was bitten by one. But I’m a sucker for clever animals with inquisitive faces so I’d have to say overall they are more appealing than creepy.

      1. nep*

        ‘Lady Macbeth style compulsive washing’ — love that. (And until reading this and looking it up I didn’t know that about raccoons — or I had and I’d forgotten.)

        1. fposte*

          Myrin and her German compatriots can set me straight if I’m wrong, but when I learned German I was told that their name in German was “washing bear.”

          1. Myrin*

            They are indeed; they’re called “Waschbären” (that’s the plural). Until this moment, I never thought about why that might be, though. Animals names usually aren’t random in German so I should’ve guessed that they’ve got something to do with washing but I’ve never spared that a single thought until now.

            1. fposte*

              I first saw the word in completely incomprehensible-to-me context and thought it was a bar for washing, i.e., soap. Then I got it :-).

            2. Dopameanie*

              That’s interesting! Are MOST German animal names like that?

              Though I am surprised they didn’t stick with, like, “sinister bear” or “evil cat with hands” or something more accurate.

              1. Myrin*

                I’d say so, yes! They’re usually very descriptive (even if the description is lost to time for most people because it hinges on a very early wordform most aren’t familiar with), though not always (usually when it’s orignally a loanword from another language like Latin or Greek).

          2. Dopameanie*

            How can someone BE so blind? They are probably drugging your food. Be careful, and don’t open your door to anyone in a trench coat and sunglasses and hat. As soon as you unlock the door, BAM. It’ll be like 20 raccoons instead of a person.

      2. Dopameanie*

        They wash compulsively because they know under their fur they are creepy little hellbeasts. That’s why they are trying to distract you with the face thing.

          1. Dopameanie*

            I agree! The video ends properly, with the raccoon denied the sustenance it needs to stay alive. This is good entertainment. I pretend it is a new raccoon every time.

            1. charlatan*

              Aw. I don’t like them either but I feel bad for that poor little guy every time I see that video.

              There’s a different video that shows him eventually learning and getting to enjoy his treat.

    8. nep*

      I am right there with you. Creeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Don’t like them at all. A couple of them have been hovering round our garbage at night. Yuck.

    9. Undine*

      #TrashPanda! They’re cute in pictures, but when you see a hefty urban one scuttling down the street at 3 a.m., yes they are scary. And they eat cats.

      1. Dopameanie*

        They are cute the same way little kids are in horror movies. You know there is something wrong in there somewhere, but by the time you figure it out it’s too late.

      2. Windchime*

        This is true. My mom lost her old cat to a raccoon. To add insult to injury, the thing came back on several subsequent nights and kept banging into the glass patio door, trying to get the other cat who was inside the house! My son decided he was going to shoot it if/when it came back, but it never came back after that.

        They are horrible, nasty, destructive creatures. Pictures of them might look cute with the little mask and the little hands, but when you actually see one walking down the street they look like a deformed cat.

    10. Gorgo*

      ANOTHER CONTROVERSIAL OPINION:
      Red pandas are the only good pandas. Red pandas are adorable. Giant pandas are HUGELY overrated. My zoo spends a fortune on giant pandas, and they aren’t even ours–we’re renting them from China. >_<

      1. Dopameanie*

        AGREED. Giant pandas are soooo dumb. They move slow and have terrible balance and procreate worse than two kids from the freshman formal in the back of an old Buick. Why are we spending so much money propping up a species Mother Nature CLEARLY wants gone?

    11. Oxford Coma*

      Racoons don’t bother me as much as groundhogs. Those little f*ckers act like they’re so cute, predicting spring and shit, but they’re actually vicious demons. It’s almost kitten season, and I will once again be trying to protect our neighborhood strays from a painful groundhog evisceration. (I do TNR, but I just can’t keep up, so the kittens continue.)

      1. Dopameanie*

        I LOVE your username. Also, I kinda thought they only ate bugs? Is this like a territory beef? Or are they always carnivorous and I never noticed?

        1. Oxford Coma*

          I think it’s territorial, because the mother groundhogs with kits are the meanest. They tend toward plants and bugs as far as diet.

      2. dawbs*

        I know someone whose Newfie was taken down by a woodchuck. They are AWFUL if they think they’re cornered.
        We have one that is allowed to live as long as it stays int he WOODS, not in the yard. the jerk keeps edging into the yard and I”m afraid it’s going to try to take on a kid or a pet.

    12. Loopy*

      Raccoons are evil. I volunteer at a place with animals that get feed and they’ve chased the animals away from their own food!! It was deer in this case.

    13. Former Employee*

      Raccoons are the best mothers. They really take care of and watch out for their babies.

    14. I Love Thrawn*

      I’m not fighting you. They are the mortal enemies of cats, so I do NOT like them at all.

      1. Dopameanie*

        My cats informed me their mortal enemy was my vacuum cleaner. I have *just now* come to the conclusion my cats may be spoiled. They, of course, disagree; but have a hard time getting taken seriously from their fortress whilst eating treats.

        1. Nonnon*

          I had a fear of the vacuum cleaner from a very young age, and I feel that your cats are wise. Horrid, noisy demon. My cleaning process normally involves a dustbuster and loud music played through my headphones.

          1. Dopameanie*

            My cleaning process is usually me closing my eyes so I can’t see the mess anymore, so you’re still doing better than me.

    15. charlatan*

      Cosigned.

      I used to like them until a little family literally chewed their way into my attic and I had to pay lots of money to get them out of there.

    16. LilySparrow*

      Raccoons (at least urban/suburban raccoons) are nasty-tempered, garbage-gulping, flearidden rabies bombs.

    18. Slartibartfast*

      Two words: baylisascaris procyonis. Don’t Google it before bedtime. Raccoon roundworm that sometimes burrows into the human brain. You’re welcome.

      1. Dopameanie*

        O. M. G.

        I did not know this. I am simultaneously feeling deeply creeped out and victoriously vindicated? I don’t think there is an emoji for my face right now. Ewwwwwwwww.

    19. Nines*

      This thread made me so very happy! Thank you, you have made a random person on the internets day!

  14. Zathras*

    Any tips or suggestions on good resources for learning how to buy a home (and about home ownership in general)? I am not ready to do that, but I just finally paid off my grad student loans (yay!) and this is the next financial goal. I figure I should use the time while I’m saving up the down payment to also learn everything I need to know.

    Home ownership for me in the area I currently live might involve some element of being a landlord, so learning about that would be useful too.

    1. Fiennes*

      I learned more than I expected to from a LOT of HGTV. It helped me understand what’s expensive to change and what’s cheap; what not to freak out about (paint colors); and that the perfect house doesn’t exist. Also I just learned more about what I do and don’t like. When I began my house search, I gave my realtor a 3-page bullet-pointed list of Must Haves; Strongly Desired; Likes That Aren’t Necessary; Stuff Most People Care About That I Don’t; Mild Dislikes; Strongly Disliked; and Dealbreakers. I apologized for being difficult when I sent it—but she said I was one of her easiest clients, because the real difficulty arises when people don’t know what they want. (She showed me my future house on day one of the search.) HGTV taught me what I wanted, which really does matter.

      1. Snargulfuss*

        Agreed but I have one warning about HGTV: it kind of brainwashed me into thinking I just had to get some old house with character and make it my own. That was my approach my first time around it was a disaster. I personally don’t have the resources (time, help, more money than you think you’ll need for a project) to do a lot of diy. For my second house-buying experience I bought a boring, new townhouse…and I love it! I’d so much rather spend my money on fun furnishings than updating electrical and worrying that every creak means something is falling apart.

        That’s not to say that buying an older home is bad. I still love the idea of customizing something with character, but there’s also nothing wrong with a two year old tract house.

        1. Zathras*

          This is a great point, I helped a family member work on a fixer-upper they bought a while back and it was a LOT of work. I enjoyed it because I enjoy DIY stuff and also I could stop and go home whenever I wanted, but I saw how exhausting it was for them. I think I would probably do OK with a place that was solid but maybe a little shabby or dated, where I could do small projects over time as I wanted to – not something that needed as much work as this relative’s house just to be livable.

      2. Zathras*

        Thanks! like your idea of a list, I will keep that in mind and try to build the list as I save up. I don’t have TV right now but have watched lots of HGTV in the past. I have heard a suggestion of going to open houses even before you are ready to buy, just to see what is out there, that might be a fun way to start building the list.

    2. Irene Adler*

      RE: being a landlord
      Read up on the owner-tenant laws in your area. You’ll want to know what things the dwelling must have to rent it out (example: Where I live, the rental must have intact screens in all the windows). And, you’ll want to know the laws regarding unlawful detainer. So if you have to evict, you won’t waste time finding out the laws if circumstances dictate.

      RE: how to buy a home
      Learn about the financing. Research banks, credit unions, etc. and get to know the rates and terms (points, fees,etc). Different institutions have different criteria for how much they will lend. This is based on your income and how much the down payment will be. Some places will loan 2.5 times your annual income; others 3 or 3.5 times your annual income. HOA dues affect this so factor that in.

      Don’t automatically trust the real estate agent to get you the best financing. In fact, I NEVER tell the R.E. agent any numbers beyond what home price I wish to see. I take care of the financing myself with the lending institution. Now, this pissed off one R.E. agent and was perfectly fine with another R.E. agent. The pissed off agent insisted she could get me better financing than anywhere else. So I told her the terms of my loan and her face fell. No, she said. She couldn’t beat what I found. Do as you are most comfortable.
      Having the loan pre-approved can put you in a stronger bargaining position than merely being pre-qualified for the loan. Discuss this with your agent.

      I found Redfin to be handy with calculating what the monthly payments would be. Peruse real estate websites regularly to see what all is out there. Good to know what the inventory is and what you can get for the amount of $ you wish to spend. The lists that Fiennes describes are brilliant (If nothing else, assemble a list of deal-breakers that you don’t want). Perusing real estate sites can also help with thinking up items on your lists.

      RE: Real Estate agent
      Shop around. Ask for referrals from friends, relatives, other people you know. Interview a few. Make sure you are comfortable with them. And that they understand your needs.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        IA, is right about landlord-tenant laws. Long ago, landlords got away with oh-so-much unbelievable stuff. So law makers made laws. Now in many places the scales are tipped in favor of the tenants. No one seems that interested in rebalancing those scales.

        If you want a really good example of what you will see, find out what happens if a tenant does not pay and you need to evict them. Look at your state’s legal process for that. Then look at your state’s legal process for collecting rent owed after the tenant leaves. (Hint: Go whistle up a drain pipe.)

        If you are interested in renting an apartment to help pay the mortgage, make sure you have a plan on how you will pay the mortgage if the tenant does not pay. Figure on a minimum of three months to get them out, so three months with no rent.

        1. Roja*

          In my area, the landlords still get away with oh-so-much unbelievable stuff. I only wish those laws were enforced more often. Our first rental here was an… interesting place.

          1. Zathras*

            This – I understand it is a ton of work and hassle to evict a deadbeat tenant, but it’s still a lot of work to make a deadbeat landlord toe the line.

        2. Zathras*

          This is great advice. I definitely plan to only buy something I can afford without any tenants – the most likely “landlord” situation would be me renting out a room in the same home where I lived, from what I have heard the scales are tipped at least a little bit back toward the landlord in those cases, although I will have to do my research. Depending on what the market and my income do in the next few years (or if some previously unknown wealthy relative dies and leaves me all their money) it’s theoretically possible I could end up owning a 2-family home or similar, but those are CRAZY expensive around here.

      2. Zathras*

        Thanks for all these suggestions, this gives me some good places to start! I’m fairly well versed in tenant rights in this area, thanks to currently living in a place managed by incompetent ****heads. (We have the screens law too! And the screens they put in after we badgered them for a year aaaalmost comply with the law…)

        I will have to look through those laws again with a landlord perspective. I know the state puts out some helpful pamphlets for tenants, maybe they have similar landlord documents.

    3. Snargulfuss*

      I found Home Buying for Dummies really useful. I also bought a book from Kiplingers but that one was more detailed and advanced; I needed the Dummies book to establish a base of knowledge.

    4. Trixie*

      In addition to local and state laws, I find local financials often host free class/workshop on home buying. No commitment required and usually very informative. For something like this, I would be somewhat familiar with the process going in but only to ask more specific questions on confusing points. Check with local credit unions too. Should see more of them this time of year too.

      1. Zathras*

        Thanks! I had forgotten but the relative who bought the fixer upper I mentioned above attended something like that, I will have to ask where they went.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Consumer Reports had a great book that simplified things and laid out all the things you need to do/understand. My husband and I were so glad we had this resource.

    6. Dopameanie*

      So the only advice I really have around home ownership is: however much money you have reserved for right AFTER you use the down payment and move in? Like, triple that number.

      In the long run, owning a home is a better deal than renting, but in the short run homes are seriously expensive! It’s easy to get in over your head if you don’t have enough in savings to cover, say, a new water heater and a broken window in the same month.

  15. The Other Dawn*

    One final question for today (I think). Any suggestions for finding slip covers for a wing-backed sofa? It’s definitely a 1980s country pattern and style, so I’d like a solid color. I’m having trouble finding something to fit the weird back. The arm and back shape is like this: https://www.centuryfurniture.com/product-detail.aspx?sku=LTD7124-6&section=
    I’ve done some Googling, and I can’t seem to come up with good results. But maybe something exactly like this just doesn’t exist.

    1. Max from St. Mary's*

      Have you thought about painting the fabric? I’ve been trying to carve out some time to try painting a really ugly plaid upholstered chair and have watched several videos about it…looks doable, just trying to find the time.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve seen that, too, and I’m not so sure I want to attempt that. I’d much rather buy and slipcover and be done with it. Although, it’s a hand-me-down, so I wouldn’t have anything to lose by trying it!

      2. LilySparrow*

        We painted a sofa once. It felt awful and looked worse. And the paint didn’t hold up to even a year of normal use before it started rubbing off the edges.

        1. Ali G*

          You could still buy the Sure Fit and just make your own plastic stays. The way Sure Fit works is that the slip cover is a stretchy fabric and they give you these plastic stays that you push down behind the cushions and between the cushions and arms. You could just get your own plastic (or other) materials (they may also sell extras) and use them to push between the wings and cushions. Or find another way to tack the cover around the wings.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I see they have some that look like just a plain old blanket draped over the sofa, so that might work. I went and looked at the sofa a few minutes ago and I noticed that the wings aren’t as big as I thought (I hardly use that room so I don’t look at the sofa very often), so a standard loose-fitting cover might work.

  16. CleverGirl*

    Leaving for Japan on Monday! Tokyo, Kyoto, and Hiroshima. Tips and recommendations appreciated. It’s supposed to be in the high 60s and low 70s and I’m still not sure what clothes to bring. I don’t remember what that feels like (it’s been a long New England winter).

    2. Amber Rose*

      A t-shirt and sweater should be fine at those temperatures. You’ll probably ditch the sweater halfway through the day though. I recommend long pants personally, just because of all the stairs. Kyoto and Tokyo are basically just a series of stairs.

      If you have time in Tokyo, you can go to the top of the Metropolitan Government building at night. The view is like nothing you’ve ever seen. And it’s either free, or cheap as heck.

      Off of Hiroshima is Miyajima Island. You can take a ferry there, and it’s beautiful. Also: riddled with deer. They’re friendly and like pets. Lots of tourist shopping and street food and tori gates.

    3. Dan*

      Buy a rail pass in pass to get around from Tokyo – Kyoto (I think the bullet train stop is in Osaka though) – Hiroshima. Hiroshima has significant historical value, I’m sure you know that.

      Last fall, I spent four days in the Shinjuku area of Tokyo. It was awesome. In that area, check out Piss Alley (it’s full of izakayas) and the Golden Gai.

      I’ve stayed in Roppongi and Shiodome on previous trips; Shinjuku was far and away a much better neighborhood to hang out in.

    4. matcha123*

      Bring layers. It’s getting warm (for me) here in Tokyo and Hiroshima is further south and a bit warmer. The cherry blossoms are almost completely opened, so by the time you get here (barring any rain) they should still be out and nice to view.
      Bring a small umbrella, just in case.
      Here in Tokyo, the mornings are cool and it warms up a bit throughout the day. The weather is supposed to be pretty warm next week, so a jacket should be ok. Might feel chilly in the early morning and evening.

      Kyoto will be filled with tourists looking at cherry blossoms and everything.
      The cherry blossoms along the river at Peace Memorial Park in Hiroshima are quite nice. And as others have mentioned, Miyajima is nice, too. Be sure to try okonomiyaki in Hiroshima and momiji manjuu if you go to Miyajima. And if you like oysters, Hiroshima is the number 1? producer of oysters in Japan.

      I would recommend getting a Pasmo card for transportation while in Tokyo and an Icoca card to use in Kyoto/Hiroshima. You can get cards at any train station, plus a 500 yen deposit. If you don’t think you’ll ever use it again, you can return the card for a refund of your 500 yen.

      Bring good walking shoes! A plus if they are ones you can slide off easily.

      1. Mephyle*

        A Suica card will work in both Tokyo and Kyoto. (I don’t know first-hand about Hiroshima, but the internet says it works there, too.)

        1. matcha123*

          Suica is a card from JR East, but Kyoto and Hiroshima are JR West. Recently all of the JRs (East, West, Kyushu, etc) have tried to make it so that users from different regions can use their respective cards. Basically, if you are only going to use the JR lines in Kyoto and Hiroshima, you’ll have no problem. But, as far as I know, you can’t use Suica on the streetcars or local buses in Kyoto/Hiroshima. Icoca (from JR West) works on Kyoto/Hiroshima streetcars and local buses. But, things may have changed since last year.

      1. The Curator*

        BRIDGE―大野美代子の人と人、街と町を繋ぐデザイン―
        英語・絵本読み聞かせワークショップ「橋について考えよう！」
        絵本のコレクションで知られるミネソタ大学図書館・児童文学リサーチコレクション学芸員のリサさんに、橋にまつわる絵本を英語で読み聞かせしていただきます。

        日　時：2018年4月5日（木）10:00 － 12:00
        会　場：竹中工務店東京本店２階 Ａホール
        講　師：リサ・フォン・ドラセク
        　　　（ミネソタ大学図書館 児童文学リサーチコレクション学芸員）
        定　員：30名　要事前申込（先着順、親子参加可）
        参加費：無料
        　　　　下記応募フォームよりお申し込みください。
        応募

        Can anyone translate this for me. My hosts have not and I am curious to what it says

        1. Mephyle*

          I pasted it into Google Translate, and this was the result:
          294/5000
          Buriddji ― Ōno Miyoko no hito to hito,-gai to machi o tsunagu dezain ― eigo ehon yomi kika se wākushoppu `hashi ni tsuite kangaeyou!’ Ehon no korekushon de shira reru Minesota daigaku toshokan jidō bungaku risāchikorekushon gakugei-in no risasan ni,-bashi ni matsuwaru ehon o eigo de yomi kika se shite itadakimasu.-Bi-ji: 2018-Nen 4 tsuki 5-nichi (ki) 10: 00 – 12: 00-Kai-ba: Takenakakōmuten Tōkyō honten 2-kai A hōru-kō-shi: Risa fon doraseku (Minesota daigaku toshokan jidō bungaku risāchikorekushon gakugei-in) jō-in: 30-Mei yō jizenmōshiko (senchaku-jun, oyako sanka-ka) sanka-hi: Muryō kaki ōbo fōmu yori o mōshikomi kudasai. Ōbo
          BRIDGE – Miyoko Ohno’s people and people, connecting the city and town –
          Read English-Picture-book Reading Workshop “Think about the Bridge!”
          I am going to tell Lisa, a curator of Minnesota University Library / Children’s Literature Research Collection curator Known for collection of picture books, English books on bridges.

          Date and time: Thursday, April 5, 2018 10: 00 – 12: 00
          Venue: Takenaka Corporation Tokyo Head Office 2nd Floor A Hall
          Lecturer: Lisa von Dorsek
          (Curator of Research Collection Collection for Children’s Literature, Minnesota University Library)
          Capacity: 30 people Required advance application (first-come-first-served basis, parent-child participation possible)
          Participation Fee: Free
          Please apply from the application form below.
          Application

    7. Mephyle*

      My go-to recommendation is to visit the Tokyu Hands and/or Loft stores in Shibuya. Allow several hours – maybe half a day – there’s a lot to see and it’s well worth it.

    8. fort hiss*

      As I’ve said The Curator, if you’re in Kyoto and like fine dining, absolutely make reservations for The Sodoh. It’s an Italian-Japanese fusion restaurant where you’ll be treated like royalty. The chef there is SO inventive. There’s always at least one waiter who speaks English, so let them know if you need that. You can check their current seasonal menu on their website, but it changes every month or so so it may change by April.

      When you go to Hiroshima, ENJOY MIYAJIMA! Itsukushima Shrine is the best thing you’ll see in all of Japan, in my opinion! If you can, stay until low tide (around 6:30 or 7). Stores start closing before that, but don’t worry, the last ferry is around 9. If you can stay on the island at a ryokan or a rental, I honestly recommend that. It’s so peaceful late at night. Eat a fried momiji manjuu if you can (you can get them near the Sanrio store in the main market area). If you like aquariums, they have a really cute little aquarium with a great gift shop. Last: watch out for the deer, they can and will eat any paper right out of your hand.

  17. Amber Rose*

    My new bed shows up in a few hours! I am so tired they may not be able to get it up the stairs. Our old mattress is like freshly plowed farm: all ridges and dips. I actually slept on the couch last night out of sheer desperation for a couple of hours of sleep.

    Question: the sales guy tried to sell us on a mattress protector for $200. That’s a lot of money for what is basically a plastic sheet. Is it worth it?

    1. Emilie*

      IKEA has options for mattress protectors that are a lot cheaper. I’d assume that a plastic sheet would lead to a lot of sweatyness and inhibit the mattress from “breathing” properly. Where I’m from mattress protectors are made from fabric and batting, so my lack of understanding might be a cultural thing, though.

      1. HannahS*

        Yeah, I have an Ikea one. It’s sort of terry cloth with a rubberized backing. I like having it in case of a sudden terrible vomiting (hasn’t happened, but I’d hate to ruin a mattress over it) or accidental bleeding.

    2. fposte*

      IMHO, no, not for an adult, unless you tend to drink or leak in bed. There’s a weird school of mattress protector that wants to seem like it’ll protect from bugs but doesn’t go all the way around and zip closed, so it’s useless for bugs, and it’s not nearly as nice texture-wise as proper mattress pads.

      2. Valancy Snaith*

        Or you’re a woman whose period has nights where it isn’t completely under control. We have a mattress cover that was about $50 that has saved our mattress from more than a few bloodstains (as well as stains from other adult activities, actually).

        1. fposte*

          Right, that was one of the meanings of “leak.”

          I was a Grand Guignol level bleeder for years, though, and never bled through to an actual mattress past a regular mattress pad, and nor did anything from sexual partners leak through. So the mere existence of bodily fluids doesn’t necessitate a $200 mattress pad or even one that’s plasticized.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            If you jump right on the stain and clean it first thing in the morning, you can get it out of your mattress. I would take the bed apart, clean the stain, and leave the bed unmade all day while I was at work. This gave the formerly stained area enough time to dry.

            I had that mattress for many years and when looking at it no one would have ever guessed. Fresh stains clean up much easier than we imagine.

      3. Undine*

        The only-on-top mattress protectors keep the microscopic skin particles that fall off of you from falling into the mattress, so (at least in theory), the dust mites have nothing to feed on. Won’t help with bedbugs, of course, and only good with a fairly new mattress. They are much easier to wash.

    3. Drop Bear*

      That seems a lot (you are probably in a different country from me though so I might be wrong.) I got one for around 50 AUD (39 ish USD) in December (king size). It’s not plastic -which would be uncomfortable I think – but some sort of quilted material. Worked when I spilled tea on it though.

    4. Laura H*

      Maybe not that particular one but DO get a mattress cover.

      I still wet the bed on occasion (I overestimate my bladder sometimes) and the matress cover does it’s job. Not completely dry, but miles better than drenched.

    5. Book Lover*

      That is too much for a mattress cover! I buy them for the kids in case of accidents and that is very expensive. Actually I should get one for myself – I always manage to get blood on a mattress as soon as I buy one….

    6. travelandi*

      If you ever need to file a claim using the mattress manufacturer’s warranty, the mattress pad will be worth it’s weight in gold! Any stain, no matter how small will void the warranty. On another note, don’t forget that there actually IS a warranty (usually about 10 years I think). We got a brand new replacement mattress for free after our last one started developing deep depressions. I thought we were SOL but contacted the manufacturer on a whim and was blown away how easy the process was! The claim inspector is the one who told me about the stain clause. And, yeah, you can get a good mattress pad/ cover for about $50.

    7. Peanut*

      Sign me up with all the others saying to get a $50 mattress protector. I have a Protect a Bed premium waterproof protector that is 8 years old and still works great. You really just want to protect from leaks of any kind, assuming you don’t have allergies and need a full mattress encasing which is pricier.

    8. oldbiddy*

      That’s a lot. I got my most recent one free when I bought the mattress, and the last one was maybe $40. I get heavy periods, so I like having the plastic backed one. My 10 year old mattress looks like new.
      The mattress store did give a longer return timeframe/better exchange conditions since we got the mattress pad, so you may want to consider that if you think you might have to exchange it.

    9. Casuan*

      Yay, new bed!!

      $200 seems too much for a mattress protector. As for mattress pads, I’ve given up on buying more expensive ones because after several washings [& drying on very low heat or air dry] the netting never lasts long enough to justify the price.

      subthread:
      Are mattress pads worth buying at all?

    10. Oxford Coma*

      Getting one in general is worth it. A $200 one from a mattress store is not.

      We always zip our new mattresses in a dust-mite cover first thing, then use a top mattress protector as well. In addition to the usual concerns, we both keep water bottles on our night stands and have had a few “wake up startled and topple everything” moments.

  18. Sunflower*

    I have to get some expensive dental work done that insurance will not cover- around 6k. Someone a while back had noted some good places to get interest free loans. I have the savings to pay it all up front but I’d rather pay in smaller increments and then pay the rest off once I pass the interest free period. I have great credit so not worried about approval. What do you guys think?

    1. Uncivil Engineer*

      I did this when I bought new appliances for my kitchen. I could have paid up front but took the 18 month, 0% interest credit card being offered by the store. It worked out fine but I wouldn’t do it again in the future. It’s one more bill I had to remember to pay and I also had to remember when the 0% interest ended. The mental energy – albeit very small – was not worth it to me.

    2. nep*

      I know this doesn’t answer your question — but I wonder whether Care Credit is an option? I’ve not used it but my dentist told me about it; apparently it allows you (if your dentist works with Care Credit) to get work done and pay in monthly installments.

      1. Red Reader*

        My husband and I have both done major dental work on CareCredit, aye. It generally works in a “x months same as cash, and if you haven’t paid it off in the x months you get slammed with ALL THE INTEREST EVER” vein with the number of months depending on the size of the charge. So, Sunflower, you want to make sure you pay the balance off in the last month of the interest free period rather than waiting til afterwards, but otherwise, yeah, CareCredit is a pretty common option for dental work because dental insurance is a total racket and doesn’t cover like anything unless you don’t actually need anything other than preventive care or possibly are a little kid who needs braces. (And I’m not sure how well they cover braces either. I just know I have a $18,000 mouth and my dental insurance covered about $600 of it. :P )

        1. miyeritari*

          I’m also doing Care Credit for some dental work. I knew I could pay of the amount based on my monthly take-home pay, but I didn’t want to pay for it all up-front, so I set up autopay! You can do it online, set how much you want to pay per month (and it can be more than the minimum), and then forget about it. I calculated how much I could afford per month, and I’ll be paid off in no time.

      2. Natalie*

        That’s what I would suggest and might actually be what the OP is thinking of – if you get the promo rate it is an interest free loan and I’m not aware of any other commonly available one for medical care.

        Husband did it for laser eye surgery and we have 2 years interest free. Totally worth it.

    3. Lizabeth*

      Have you talked to your dentist about a payment plan? Mine have been incredibly generous to let me do that for stuff not covered by insurance. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

    4. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      Ditto with me. First talk with your dentist’s office. When I asked my dentist’s assistant about a payment plan I was told to discuss it with the dentist so that’s on my to-do list.

      Has anyone ever had implants? I’d like to keep my teeth although with all of the work that needs to be done I’m wondering if it might be more cost-effective & efficient to get implants.
      Thoughts & suggestions, please?

      1. Red Reader*

        I do, aye, a full upper arch, thanks to a combination of bad dental health as a kid and a physical assault. That’s my $18k mouth, and it took almost a year all told — 4 months to heal from the initial extractions, then another I think 5 months for the implant anchors to set after implantation.

        As a midpoint, consider regular dentures — significantly cheaper, significantly faster. That was my initial plan, until I found out that I apparently have -a- a weird deformity of my hard palate that meant I couldn’t get the right seal on a standard denture plate to keep them in place AND -b- a contact allergy to the most common varieties of denture adhesive :P And of course we didn’t know that until after the extractions — I went without anything at all for almost two years in between extractions and implants, saving my pennies to be able to afford the implants. (It is amazing what you can still manage to eat with no upper teeth. I think the only things I found that I really couldn’t manage were Rice Krispie treats and most raw fruit/veg.)

        1. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

          Yeesh!
          Thank for the infos & suggestion, Red Reader!
          For now I think I’ll try to keep my teeth. :)

      2. the gold digger*

        I have an implant that I got almost 20 years ago. My insurance at the time would pay for a bridge but not for an implant. I did not want to ruin the adjacent, healthy teeth, so I fought with the insurance company and won.

        Even if I hadn’t won, I was willing to pay for the whole thing myself – I really treasure my teeth! I was lucky to be living in a city with a dental college and had everything done there for $600. Worth it.

        1. Sunflower*

          How did you win that with the insurance company? I need 2 implants and 3 caps/crowns- right now i have a 3 teeth bridge but one of the posts is no longer healthy and i refuse to get a 5 tooth long bridge. My crowns are covered 60% but implants nada. I can’t find any dental plans or anything online about insurance covering implants

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      I’ve heard of dental schools that provide dental care at a reduced cost. Maybe that’s an option?

    6. valentine*

      Credit card balance transfer with zero APR for 12-18 months. Maybe negotiate for no transfer fee.

    7. CatCat*

      If you do it, pay it off before the interest free period expires. If you wait until that period passes, a heap of interest could be piled on dating back to when you first incurred the charges.

  19. Ktelzbeth*

    Question on realtors:
    I’m trying to buy a house. How frequently should my realtor be the one to send me the new listings vs me finding them first? Our market is really fast in the segment I’m looking and it seems like I’m finding listings only to have her follow them up and say, “Oops, sold already.” Is it reasonable to expect her to find them before me? It is her job (I think). The only other realtor I’ve ever used was the same. Truthfully, the person I’m complaining about is the substitute, because my person has been out of town for much of March, and almost nothing was on the market when she left, but I want to know what I can reasonably ask for when she gets back. Thanks!

    1. Sandra Dee*

      My realtor was a gem. The local market here has been hot for a couple years. He found my house for me before it was even listed, therefore I was the first person to see it, and put in an offer and it was accepted before it was ever listed. I would also get automated emails from him for any new listings that just came on the market, based upon my requirements. In my opinion, a good realtor knows the market and area well, and can get you appointments as soon or before a House being listed. Or maybe I have a rare unicorn of an agent.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I think we found a lot that our realtor didn’t. She gave us about a third of the listings we saw, but the best were always hers. If you’re looking on your own and find something you like, before sending it on try looking directly at the listing broker’s website (instead of Zillow or whatever) and you’ll reduce the number of listings you send her that are already sold. They tend to keep their own sites up to date and forget the multiple listing sites.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Today’s was still showing active-new with an open house today everywhere. My agent was as surprised as I was that it was actually sold when she went to arrange a showing for me. Can’t always win, I guess. I’ll remember to do a better job looking at the actual broker’s websites; some here make it hard to find that, but it’s a good point that that is most likely to be up to date.

        1. Lcsa99*

          I remember one listing I actually drove myself crazy with. In the multiple listing sites it came up and went down again as sold pretty quickly, and on their site it was marked as sold, but later it was relisted on their site alone. Both our agent and I tried contacting the agent about it multiple times but never heard back.

          It’s a frustrating process. It took us 10 1/2 months to go from looking to closed and moving in to our new place. You just need to be patient, especially if there isn’t a lot around your area.

          1. Triplestep*

            This happened to me the last time I was in the market to buy. The house sold quickly and showed everywhere as “under contract” except on the listing agent’s site where it was “active”. I asked about this and was told that realtors will do this on the one site they have control over (their own) to keep interest alive in case the sale falls through.

        2. CBE*

          When we bought our house, we had our offer signed and sealed on Friday and the realtor STILL held the Saturday open house. Wanted to capture leads – people who were shopping but didn’t have an agent.
          She was super up front with us. Not so much with people who came to the open house. (We went to it, too. Took the kids so they could get their first look at it.)

    3. Dan*

      As a practical matter, if you always find listings that are “gone already”, you’re never going to find a house and your realtor won’t make the commission.

      I’m sure this is market specific, but one way to figure out what kind of service is reasonable is to work with an agent for six months or so, and if you’re not happy, move on to another one. If you do this for a couple of years (I know that’s a long time) with a few different agents, you’ll get a sense of what’s reasonable.

      It’s your house and your life, and nobody cares about it more than you do.

    4. Snargulfuss*

      I worked with a couple of different agents and they both just set up automatic mls searches that would send me results ince a day, but I was the one on the listing website multiple times a day sending texts to my agent about what I wanted to see.

      I also bought in a hot market. If you’re not already doing so, I’d recommending putting in backup offers for properties you like that have gone under contract quickly. I’m my area people put in offers first ask questions later, which means an original accepted offer has a decent chance of falling through.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        Same here. We would get the automatic mls listings from our agent with houses that fit our criteria. Then we would tell the agent which houses we were interested in seeing in person. The market was hot when we bought to, so we needed to look at the emails right away and then see the houses as soon as possible.

        As far as backup offers, we didn’t put any in. But we did offer over asking price for the house we ended up with. Our agent was good in advising us in that situation.

    5. Irene Adler*

      You are entering the “hot” season for real estate. You want someone who is on top of things in finding your new house.
      What you describe is unacceptable on the part of the substitute. Sounds like you are an afterthought in their priority list.
      Complain to the broker. Ask for someone else who will send you TIMELY listings that are of interest to you. You want to buy but you can’t when everything is already sold. Agents often know of properties BEFORE they show up on the MLS listings (connections!). That’s where they get the jump on other buyers. Clearly no one is doing this for you. Why not?

      Also, have you lined up financing yet? I had this all ready to go and found that the loan institution was instrumental with getting the agent focused on finding my house (“let’s get this done already!”).

    6. Florida*

      Does your real estate agent usually work with buyers? Generally speaking, you make more money as a listing agent. (Not necessarily a higher commission, but in terms of annual income.) So people who have doing this a long time and work primarily as a listing agent, often are not good buyer agents. There are some agents who focus on buyers. Others who work with both. Sometimes those are newer agents who are still trying to figure out their niche. Other times it’s people who like the variety.
      I would try to find an agent who makes most of their income representing buyers.

    7. Triplestep*

      I don’t have anything to add to the great advice you’ve gotten here already, but I would go ahead and go to those open houses if you’re not doing so already; tell the agent at the open house that you’re working with a realtor so that if you want to move forward, you’ve been up front about it. Let your realtor know that you’re doing this, too.

      Neither the listing agent or your agent should be shocked if you do this – plenty of people do. If anything, they should be used to it. The internet and real estate apps have changed everything about the way they do business, and if your realtor has not caught up to today’s technology and the accompanying need for urgency, she does not deserve your business.

  20. Ktelzbeth*

    D&D/role playing:
    There was a segment in the knowledge swap on D&D that I got to late but another late reader and I got to talking about the idea of starting an online campaign with interested AAMers, whether because you don’t have an IRL campaign or want an online one for a different reason.

    I know an online site that mimics the tabletop (Roll20). It offers voice and text chat, but the voice chat isn’t very good. Ventrillo works better for the voice chat part because of a push to talk feature that can be enabled, but the last online campaign I was on switched to something else just after I left (due to divorce), so maybe someone else knows something better. Vent was also nice because it worked on Windows, Mac, and Linux, all of which were represented in the campaign.

    Discussion?

      1. Aealias*

        Discord seems to have taken over from Vent in my online gaming community. Cheaper hosting, maybe?

      2. Joan*

        I’ve been in an online D&D group for over a year now, and a combination of Roll20 for maps/character sheets and Discord for voice and text chat has worked well for us. I think Discord now offers video chat as well, but we haven’t tested that out.

    2. Red Reader*

      I have no suggestions — the couple of times we’ve remoted someone into my games, we just used Skype and that worked about as well as you might guess (not very) — but I’m generally interested in D&D discussions overall :)

    3. Chris*

      The last Roll20 game that I played in we used Skype. The one I watch on Twitch (Court of Swords) uses it as well- some occasional hiccups but otherwise works well.

    5. MayDay*

      De-lurking just for this!

      I know my friends typically use Skype for games – plus Critical Role uses Skype for the one that lives/works on the other side of the States.

      I haven’t played in a D&D campaign in a while due to the fact that d20s only works for me outside of combat and critical story moments (hey, roll an insight check on that super suspicious NPC who is totally not an evil person! Natural 1…)

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Reminds me of the natural 1 rolled by someone else in a campaign I was in as they scouted ahead and found a bunch of perfectly normal humans conversing in the pitch dark in a dungeon. Right.

    7. New To This*

      I’d be interested! I don’t have much experience, but I’ve always wanted to try D&D

    8. Perse's Mom*

      Discord is the big voice app in gaming now – and it’s nice because of how it integrates with communities, text chat, and it’s easy to set up different channels for various things – so you could answer questions for players in PMs (oh a high Insight check from Susan, Susan gets a PM and can decide what to share with the group rather than everybody knowing it) rather than clutter the main channel or spend voice time on it. It also has a push to talk option.

      But I don’t think it offers a video option, so it depends on if you want to SEE your players or just hear them. Then again, you could have something like Skype or a google hang-out with video and have audio run through whatever works better for you on that end.

    9. Ktelzbeth*

      I’ll email Alison and ask if she’s willing to be the center of an email address exchange for those who are interested, so we don’t have to post them openly here. I think I see three interested besides me today and one from Friday, which is a good start.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Actually, if you’re willing, the best thing to do would probably be to set up an email address you’re willing to post publicly here (maybe one you just use for this purpose) since my mail is hard to manage as it is and I don’t want to be responsible for accidentally leaving anyone out! Sorry about that.

    10. Antagonist Relations*

      Long time lurker, first time commenter.

      I’ve used Roll20 to run and play games and been happy with it, though it does work much better to use another audio connection, like google hangouts or Discord.

      With my newest online game, we’ve been using Discord and it’s worked really well.

      I’d love to play in more online games (I can run too, but I’m running 4 other games, so I might only want to do one shots).

      I created a groups.io group that’s linked in my username if anyone wants to join and we can use that to talk RPGs and organize games. If anyone else wants to help manage it, just let me know and I’ll add you as a moderator on the group

  21. Annie Mouse*

    Does anyone have any tips for getting started improving strength? I need to get a bit stronger for both work and hobbies but other than joining a gym I have no idea where to start!

    1. fposte*

      If you look for “You Are Your Own Gym,” you can see a lot of suggestions for bodyweight exercises you can do at home (I couldn’t tell if your phraseology meant you didn’t want to join a gym). Even if you just start doing squats and pushups, adding one each day, that’ll get you some good strength in a lot of important muscles.

      2. Annie Mouse*

        Ooh, thank you. I’ll have a look. I haven’t the time to go to a regular gym at the moment but I’ve been told I have access to a gym at work if I ask but it will be working out by myself (no PTs or anything). I know a bit about improving cardio fitness but not strength. Bodyweight exercises definitely sound like something I can do to start with so thanks!

      3. The Other Dawn*

        +100 to body weight exercises. You can get quite a workout without any equipment or trips to the gym. Just you in your living room.

        And yes, squats, pushups and lunges are awesome for building strength. Planks and wall sits, too.

    2. Fiennes*

      I have a great app called “Full Fitness,” which lists tons of exercises for every body part and muscle group. You can also look up exercises by method: Body weight, free weights, machines, Swiss ball — you name it. So you can figure out what to do based on what’s available to you at any given time.

      At the beginning, be very careful to get the form of the exercises right. Good form minimizes risk of injury and maximizes results. The FF app is only so-so on this, but you can look up almost anything on YouTube for detailed pointers. Many gyms also offer one free consultation with a trainer; if you can resist the subsequent sales pitch, that consult can be a great opportunity to pick up pointers on form.

      I don’t know your gender, but if you’re female, don’t ever limit your workouts for fear of “bulking up.” It is virtually impossible for a woman to build heavier muscles like a man without sustained, deliberate effort. (The main exception is women who have abnormally high testosterone, and chances are you already know if that’s you.) They try to sell women on exercises that will just leave them “toned,” in other words not as strong! Don’t be afraid to go for it.

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks for this advice! I’m not the OP (obviously) but I was looking for ways to change up my resistance routine, and just downloaded the app you recommended to my tablet.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Steph Gaudreau dot com! Lots of focus on women’s strength, but would be very outstanding for people of any gender. She has a podcast too — Harder To Kill.

    4. AnonyAnony*

      If you can afford it, hiring a personal trainer can help. Even just a few sessions where the trainer can assist with creating a workout routine that will accomplish what you’re after.

    5. PB*

      I’ve been using a book, New Rules of Lifting, and making good progress for the first time ever. It’s designed for people with no lifting experience, provides background, a workout program, and instructions for the exercises. If you want to pick it up, I would advise getting a print copy rather than an e-book. You have to flip back and forth a lot, and it’s just easier.

    6. Roja*

      Fitness Blender on YouTube is a really great place to start. They have a HUGE variety of videos and they actually are sensible (no fads and stuff).

      1. CA Teacher*

        I am a Fitness Blender evangelist, so thank you for mentioning them! They are the best :)

    7. ..Kat..*

      Shape magazine will usually have a work out routine every issue that uses minimal equipment and that you can do at home.

    8. Koala dreams*

      A gym can be a great place to start, I find having classes is greatly motivating, but, you need to have the time to go regularly. Sometimes there are cheaper alternatives at community centres and similar. If you want to do exercises at home, there are a lot of videos on Youtube. You can get a cheap exercise band to help you, and later maybe some weights.

      A physical therapist can also help you with exercises based on your needs. The ones I’ve seen have been great for things you can do at home.

    9. Bullwinkle*

      I have been enjoying the Reddit body weight fitness Recommended Routine. I think it’s pretty accessible to beginners, there is lots of explanation and videos of the exercises, and the forums are friendly if you have a question.

    10. Climber*

      LAte to the party but a great way to begin building strength is to try rock climbing. It’s popularity is building and there are several gyms around the country (US). Full body work out, balance, and endurance training, plus it’s fun and social. If you like the outdoors it fits right in with your likes already. As a woman this was the best/easiest way to build muscle when I wasn’t really interested in lifting at a gym. It builds working muscle and, of course, is a great supplement to any cardio or lifting program.

  22. Anon though I shouldn’t be....*

    Awkward issue – avoid if squirmish.

    I get contact dermatitis from Always pads. I tried tampons when I was young and always managed to put them in wrong and now I would be worried about a very awkward allergic reaction given that it is bad enough with pads.

    I tried the cup and I just couldn’t make it work for me. Now I basically avoid my period for about six months at a time with the pill, then when I have spotting, use cloth pads at home and manage the discomfort with regular pads at work.

    Any ideas? I imagine I should be researching hypoallergenic pads or…?

    1. Agnodike*

      It’s actually relatively common to get a rash from Always brand pads specifically because of one of the materials they use. Most of my patients who have that sensitivity have been fine with Kotex or even store brand, so you could try one of those. You can also buy expensive organic cotton ones. If you want to try tampons again, try wearing one next to your skin (but not *in* your vagina) for a day and see if you react. (Without the applicator, of course, or you could try a no applicator brand like OB.) Finally, reusable cups come in many shapes and sizes and vary by brand; if you have a feminist sex shop if your area, you could pop in and have a chat with them because they can usually make some recommendations on what to try. Good luck!

      1. Totally Minnie*

        Can confirm. I recently switched from Always to Kotex, and it’s soooo much better.

      3. LBG*

        Great timing. Usually use Carefree but had picked up Always for some reason. Was having terrible irritation. Switched back to Always and feeling better already. Thanks!

    2. Intel Analyst Shell*

      I was in Target the other day and saw some pads that were labelled 100% cotton and organic. I can not remember the brand for the life of me but I’d suggest trying something along those lines?

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        Are these the L. brand? I got some from Target and really like them. They are a tiny bit bulkier than Always, but I found them more comfortable.

    3. Thursday Next*

      My gyn said Always issues are common. Even switching to another brand might solve your issue–it did for me.

    4. PeachSox*

      I’m team cup all the way, but I have learned about some new companies that sell 100% organic cotton pads and tampons. Lola is one of them. You might want to check them out.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Seconding Lola. NatraCare is another brand and they are really widely available.

    5. Junior Dev*

      I use organic cotton pads, either 7th Generation or Natracare brand. If there’s a Whole Foods or health food co-op near you you can probably find them there. I find then much more comfortable than most brands.

    6. Fiennes*

      Don’t know if this will help you, but I spent years believing I was sensitive to tampons and couldn’t wear them. Finally in an emergency, I borrowed Tampax Pearl and discovered—I wasn’t sensitive to tampons, just cardboard applicators! My chagrin was great, but outweighed by relief.

      Tl;dr—don’t write off any form of “feminine protection” without trying a few different brands/types.

      1. CityMouse*

        I’m actually the same – fine with Tampax pearl, bad with other tampons. If you haven’t tried them, I would recommend it.

    7. Melody Pond*

      Which menstrual cup did you try? There are a ton out there, and while the Diva Cup is the most well-known, I personally think it’s one of the worst cups out there, particularly for beginners. The LENA cup is one of the best ones out there for newbies – it’s quite firm, so opens up easily, but they also have a “sensitive” version which is a little softer. They also have insanely good customer service, who are more than willing to help coach you through the learning curve.

      Softer cups seem to be a little easier to remove, but require more skill to insert and get them to open properly. Firmer cups are traditionally a little easier to insert, but are sometimes a little more difficult to remove. Using a firmer cup like the LENA, but also applying some generous lube to yourself before you insert the cup, is probably one of the easiest ways to go.

      I’d encourage you to give cups another try. They’re not the kind of thing you can just try for one or two cycles and expect to get it to work perfectly – some people find there’s quite a steep learning curve. It took me only a few cycles to get it figured out, but it took my sister six months of the Diva Cup, and then another six months with the LENA cup, for it to really “click”. Now she tells me she’s got it completely figured out, and knows how to get it perfectly aligned with her cervix, so that she knows she won’t have any leaks. And to hear her tell it, the convenience she has now is 100% worth the 12 months of learning and wrestling with it.

      I’m also very into cloth pads. I find them way more comfortable than disposable pads. :)

      1. Agnodike*

        Just FYI, this isn’t an option for the many people who get breakthrough bleeding/spotting even if they take oral contraceptives continuously without a break.

      2. Thlayli*

        What pill does that? I know you can start a new pack if you want to skip the 7-day break, but at least for my brand it’s not recommended to do that 2 months in a row.

        2. Anon though I shouldn’t be....*

          I use a generic for seasonale – three month continuous and then start the next pack. I can usually do almost two before I get breakthrough. I think you can do it with almost any pill that is a continuous dose (not tricyclen for example).

        3. HannahS*

          Lolo. I very occasionally have very minor spotting at the end of a pack, but I don’t get periods.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Lunapads and Lunapanties are another brand with the same idea. I have some and have liked some, but they keep changing the design, so it’s hard to know whether I’ll like them when I have to reorder for having worn the last to pieces. It looks like they’ve even added a boxer brief for folks who don’t want explicitly female-looking underthings. Dear Kate is another option. I have one pair of those. They are not absorbent enough for full on period, but they are actually cute and perhaps even sexy.

    10. saddesklunch*

      I bought myself a set of THINX (period underwear) and I love them! They’re pricey to start, but since they’re reusable it ends up evening out, I think.

    11. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m also team cup. There are a lot of different styles, so one might work for you. I also did poorly with inserting tampons and found them tremendously uncomfortable to wear, so that doesn’t guarantee a failure with cups. I made the transition through Instead Softcups (http://www.softcup.com/), which worked great too, but I wanted something reusable. You say you only use cloth pads at home, but not at work, but could they work at work? I use cloth as backup all the time. I’ve also heard of but not tried sponge “tampons,” which can be either natural sea sponges or artificially manufactured.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I used Insteads for years, and would reuse the same one for the 5ish days o& my period, then toss. To me it was the best compromise, I wasn’t going through a whole box but I never had to boil or anything. I found them very comfortable and only stopped because I have a Mirena now.

    12. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I’ve heard good things about reusable menstrual underwear (THINX, I think?) I’m not sure what materials they contain, though. I found the Diva cup unwieldy when I wan’t on birth control, but now that I’m on the pill and have lighter periods, it works for me.

    13. only acting normal*

      I hate Always pads, I don’t get a reaction, but they feel plastic and sweaty. NB Avoid anything perfumed like the plague if you get reactions!
      As a supplement to cloth pads I like (the unscented version of) BodyForm (don’t seem to be available in the US though). Looks like Natracare disposable pads are available in the US – free from lots of kinds of potential irritants like chlorine, latex, fragrance, etc.

    14. Parenthetically*

      Seconding/thirding the suggestions to look into organic pads and Thinx panties! Another option is sea sponges. I used them as a transition when I was thinking about switching to a cup but didn’t want to pull the trigger. They’re amazingly, incredibly comfortable.

      1. Anon though I shouldn’t be....*

        Thank you, everyone! I will likely try Kotex next, then, and then maybe the standard organic pads before considering other options. I like my cloth pads but I have heavy periods and they are pretty bulky for at work. I did try soft cups but will think about the other cup options and the period panties. Will try to keep it simple for now though.

    15. Julianne*

      I haven’t had a period in 15 months, since I got my IUD. (I have Mirena.) I do realize that’s quite a leap from the problem you identified in your question, though! However, if it’s in line with your general health/life goals and potentially feasible for your personal circumstances, I’d encourage you to talk to your health care provider about it.

    16. NaoNao*

      Any chance “period panties” (such as Thinx) or reusable cloth pads such as LunaPads, would work, especially with lighter or breakthrough bleeding?

    17. Anon For This*

      Go to a natural food store and get some organic, no extra stuff added pads. They’re not expensive. The major brands have some nasty stuff in them. Your body’s reaction is common.

    18. Dopameanie*

      So I don’t know where you are on your reproductive plans/health insurance, but if you are DUNZO with baby-makin’ you could try an ablation? It’s where they “sear” your uterine walls. It’s an outpatient thing, you take a pill, walk out 30 minutes later and NEVER HAVE ANOTHER PERIOD EVER AGAIN. No hormones, no babies, no nothin.

    19. Bionerd*

      Same issue with Always (and other major brands). Both Organyc and Natracare brands work for me. I usually buy from Amazon.

  23. Forking Great Username*

    I need to vent about my husband’s parents and holidays – Easter is causing our usual debate about how to handle them. My mother in law is the very controlling type who sees herself as the matriarch of the family, and expects us to all let her make our life decisions. My sister in law goes along with this and lets her mom call the shots even when mom is clearly wrong. They’re together CONSTANTLY. Mother-in-law is their full-time childcare too, so she sees sister-in-law’s kids every. single. day.

    Our kids? She sees them maybe every few months. When they were first born she wanted the same 100% involvement, and while we were happy to have grandparent support, we set healthy boundaries – we get to choose the names, pediatrician, nursery decor, and decide how we parent our children! That pissed her off, so she pulled way back. Never calls or texts to see how they are. Doesn’t invite them over. Always has an excuse when our kids ask to see her.

    But now it’s Easter! And on holidays she expects us to show up so that she can take photos and pretend to be grandma of the year on facebook. I’ve had it with this crap. I grew up with a grandparent who strongly favored my cousins for super similar reasons to what we have going on here, and I will do everything I can to protect my children from it. While I can’t protect them completely, why should I give them that precious holiday family time when they absolutely does not deserve it? None of them give a shit about us until we’re breaking up their picture of their perfect little family on the holidays. I want to be done and put my foot down. But I also don’t want to hurt my husband, who will do what I think is best but is obviously hurting over the way his parents have shut him out because he doesn’t let them run his life anymore. (Guys, when we were house shopping they fully expected us to bring them to see every house and buy their choice. When we said no they got my husband to tell them what houses we were considering, and they went and peeked in the windows of the homes!! Then told us which ones we could and couldn’t buy. No. They’re nuts. Just no. I have a million other examples.)

    1. Dan*

      Are you suggesting you never want the kids to see their grandparents? I’m no stranger to toxic relationships, so I get it.

      But what I can’t get a read on is exactly what you’re looking for, and exactly what your husband will back you on.

      I will say, however, that at a certain age, you should guide your children in making those decisions for themselves. I would think it’s unreasonable to keep your kids from their grandparents until they’re 18. When they’re old enough to start figuring things out, the best thing you can do (IMHO) is validate their feelings and let them call the shots. If granny’s nuts, validate their feelings. If they want to see granny in spite of that, at some point, I would think that’s their choice. And if they *don’t* want to see granny? That’s their choice too.

      I’m not close to my mom’s side of the family, and I’m pretty sure *she* is a big reason why. I lived within an hour and a half from my mom’s two sisters, and I can count on one hand the number of times we spent holidays together growing up. (Each of my mom’s sisters has at least one kid.) My cousins and my aunts are normal people, and I’m pretty sure that the distance is mostly on my mother for one reason or another. (She can’t stand one of my uncles, and made it clear. I don’t think my uncle was bad enough for her to draw the lines she did.)

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Sorry, I should have been clearer – it’s not that I want them to never see their grandparents. But I have a problem with the fact that when my kids ask to visit, my in laws always say no. Excuses range from they’re babysitting the other two and can’t handle all four, to they need to take the dogs to be groomed, to my mother-in-law planned to go shopping that day. I’ll ask if another day works better, they say they’ll let us know later, and then we don’t hear from them. I’m not asking them to be at our beck and call, but since we started setting basic boundaries (no, the 1 year old can’t have pop, for example) they just never want to see our kids.

        Holidays are the exception. On holidays they expect us to show up. And I don’t want to. I’m sick of spending a good chunk of our holiday time with people who don’t like us and ignore our kids (even on holidays when we’re there, are kids largely go ignored unless it’s time to take pictures for Facebook) when they can’t be bothered to make any effort the rest of the year. I want to stop going there on holidays unless they can start acting like they actually care the rest of the year. For me, acting like they care means every now and then asking to see the kids, calling to ask how we’re/they’re doing, etc. Not constantly, but right now we ONLY hear from them for holiday invites.

        Other thinks I might need to clarify – my kids are only 3 and 4, so they definitely ask to see grandma. Then they get hurt because of the obvious favoritism. They don’t really like seeing their cousin either – their cousin is known to say things like “I hate (My kid 1) and (my kid 2), why did you invite them over?” He screams when they touches any toys at the grandparent’s house, and most troublingly, he regularly beats up animals and smaller children. So that adds another layer of stress to the situation.

        1. fposte*

          It sounds like that either they see the grandparents on holidays or not at all. I have no problem with cutting off family if that’s the decision that you and your husband make, but it sounds like you’re not framing this situation as cutting the grands off even though it de facto is.

          My personal take is it doesn’t sound like hubby is ready to cut them off at all, that you can go to them for some holidays without signing on for all, and that the fact they have ugly expectations and contact practices isn’t necessarily a reason to shut Easter out as a visit opportunity if you’re genuinely not looking to cut your kids off from them. But that’s all seriously YMMV.

        2. Natalie*

          I can’t quite tell – do they expect you to spend every holiday with them? Because that could be an easy start to having some holidays you enjoy – it’s totally unreasonable for one family segment to expect to claim all of your holidays.

          1. Forking Great Username*

            Yep, there’s a guilt trip every holiday we aren’t there. I agree that it’s unreasonable.

            1. Natalie*

              I mean, to a certain extent you just have to live with their attempted guilt trip. As annoying as it is, if they behave badly when you don’t visit and behave badly when you do visit, there’s no solution that doesn’t involve their behaving badly.

              I find no-contact, however brief, is a pretty easy way to short circuit the guilt tripping. Unsubscribe from them on Facebook, auto-direct their emails out of your inbox, maybe even block their number for a day. They can have their crappy feelings but that doesn’t mean you have to be their audience.

        3. Observer*

          Before you make your decision you need to understand one thing. You are highly unlikely to get your IL’s to change their behavior. So, make your decision based on the knowledge that this is who they are and this is how they are going to behave.

          Given that, you really have two choices – You go there for (some) holidays and give the kids a chance to see their grandparents. Don’t insist that they are having a grand time, and if they get upset at their grandparents, validate. And, of course, keep your options open. The fact that you show up for this holidy doesn’t mean that you show up for the next one, etc.

          You stop going for holidays. That’s essentially cutting off contact for the kids. I do think that this is a choice that should really be a last resort. But only you know how bad the situation is. In any case, if you do decide to stop going for holidays, understand what the choice means.

    2. Agnodike*

      You’re not hurting your husband. His parents are hurting him. What does he want to do for Easter? Like, not what does he feel he should do – what does he want to do? For that matter, what does he want the relationship to look like? Does he know what your concerns are? Might be time for a good chat about how you guys want your interactions with your in-laws to look – what are your goals and how can you achieve them?

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Yes, we’ve had many talks about this! It’s tricky, and perhaps I should consider trying to get him to talk to a therapist about it. For a long time, he always kind of rolled with his mom wanting to make all of the decisions in his life. Sometimes I feel like that has just transferred to me – he generally says he doesn’t care and will do what I want. That’s not how I want it to be and I do try to dig deeper and figure out what he really wants. Of course, what he wants really isn’t possible – he wants his mom to be more like my mom! (Because my mom is loving and supportive of our choices, only giving her opinion when asked and not getting offended if we choose not to follow her advice.) Blah. But yes, it’s time for another talk.

        1. heckofabecca*

          That…. sounds a bit like me :/ Growing up was pretty toxic, and I’m still working on agency and expressing myself (including my needs, my wants, etc). If your husband’s up for it, therapy can really put things into perspective. I didn’t realize how much things from my past were affecting me until others detached from the situation saw what was going on. But the level of work that such repression puts on partners really isn’t fair, and I regret that my husband has to deal with it! I am getting better at it, at least.

          What your husband wants is impossible. He cannot change anyone else’s behavior. He can only change his own. Good luck to you. Your kids are lucky to have you.

          (If you haven’t checked out Captain Awkward, I recommend it. Letter #247 may be helpful?)

    3. Anono-me*

      Can you do a short Easter brunch visit with a plan to leave early if there is bad behavior? (Similar short early visits for other holidays)

      I think you might find your life lots easier if you can just stop caring about the pictures. I very much understand why the facebook fairytale of your in-laws being super involved with your kids is very frustrating, but that is all it is. I also think it might be obscuring the real issues.

      The issues of grands openly favoring one set of kids over another and letting the other kids behave that badly to yours are issues that are you and your husband need to address together as parents. And in my admittedly biased opinion neither of you need to worry overmuch about being ‘fair’ to adults behaving poorly to small children.

    4. Casuan*

      Forking, how are your relatives when you are actually together? Do the grandparents engage with you, your husband, & especially with the kids? Are they genuinely interested in what you’re doing & what your kids are doing & achieving?
      Or are they dismissive & treating you like props who come when summoned hust so they can tick off their How to Be A Family During [Holiday]?
      Do they engage in enjoyable or meaningful conversation or do they just talk about the other grandchildren or debate everything you say or try to correct what you say & do?

      The gist is this: If you, your husband, & your children are in any way being uplifted during these visits then it makes sense to go for a short visit.

      That said, if this is the case then I’d be surprised. You & your family deserve to be around others who are genuinely glad for your company. You are not obliged to be with anyone who isn’t.

      Even if your children want to see their grandparents, you might be inadvertently making the relationship worse if their grandparents aren’t *loving & engaging* grandparents when they do see them. The anaology is when parents stay married “for the sake of the children”; the children in question grow up with memories of how much their parents fought, which in turn caused what the parents hoped to avoid.

      Also!
      Have you ever asked your in-laws about their habit of beong unavailable to visit with your children? If not, I encourage you to do so. Just be prepared what what might be a difficult conversation. The grandparents might have valid concerns and it would help to know so you could address them.

      Good luck & I’m sorry this is so difficult!

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Props. Definitely props. And I’m painfully aware of the whole inadvertently making it worse thing, because I had a grandma who didn’t like me and a mom who thought she could fix it. She couldn’t, and the attempts always left me feeling more hurt. For a while I was hoping my kids weren’t old enough to pick up on this…but when older cousin is telling my 4 year old he hates him, and grandma and aunt (cousin’s mom) just sit there and do nothing but say his name in an exasperated tone? How can he not know?

        We haven’t ever asked. I’ll throw that idea out there tonight when discussing this with my husband. I suspect he’ll be hesitant – last time we needed to have an awkward conversation with her was over the summer, and she barely said a word and was clearly super offended (in fact, that might have been the turning point in all this – she’s been particularly frosty since then.)

        Sorry, I know I’m rambling a bit – it’s hard to fit so many years of history into comments, so I’m probably jumping around a bit.

        1. Casuan*

          Please don’t be sorry!
          This is a difficult thing to navigate & you really want to do what’s best for your children. Bonus if it’s good for you & your husband!

          Definitely ask & do what you can to sort out your in-laws’ perspective. It might take more than one attempt or conversation. Once you’ve established that you’ll know if there’s any common ground [eg: if the grandparents would like to see their grandchildren once per week or twice per month with no conditions].

          As long as you know you’ve done everything possible to sort things out, you can disengage with them guilt-free. Forking, you are not required to be their props. That isn’t your family’s job. Instead, work on making your own family traditions that don’t involve other adults passively witnessing one child telling another that he hates him. That’s a serious Wtf?!?!? which really tells you all that you need to know.

          I’ve had to make relationship decisions such as this & the decisions have always been heartbreaking. They’ve also been some of the best decisions that I’ve made. Why would I want to inflict myself on someone who has always hated me, thinks I’m stupid , & “hates my face”? Once that person [a parent’s spouse] told me those things I knew I had all the answers I needed about our relationship. Actually, I’m grateful that they said this because it gave me no doubt whatsoever as to how they felt about me, although it took a little time for me to realise this.

    5. Circus peanuts*

      I do not have kids so take this with a grain of salt, but why not alternate holidays with just the four of you and then the whole extended family or his parents then your parents to cut down on the drama llama g-mama?

      And there is nothing stopping you from posting your own holiday photos and captions. Why not tag a photo of gramma and the tadpoles with an occasional quote of “Tadpole 1 and 2 are so happy to see Drama Llama G-Mama! She can hardly believe that they have grown seven inches since she last saw them!” Passive aggressive to be sure, so just do it rarely and only to stop you from saying more.

      1. Circus peanuts*

        Also, can you stake out a minor holiday and start using a family party with both sides of the family and model the kind of behavior that you want your kids to see and make that a yearly event? There is no sense is having your kids only see dysfunctional holidays, and your husband’s family will also see a loving, less drama intense holiday. Choose a holiday where your husband can be the star and in charge of one aspect completely. Does he like to grill? Have him be the grill master and have him practice phrases like “Mom, I be got this, don’t worry!”, etc.. Make it into a family tradition to counteract the other command performances. If mil misses, no big deal but I bet she won’t want to miss everyone having a good time without her.

        This option isn’t going to change mil but it will give you a revenue of dealing with her together with your husband by your side for mutual support. She will want to dominate one thing so let her bring the potato salad or some other family dish and just that. Because you want her to be a guest and relax and not be a hostess.

        2. Forking Great Username*

          This is pretty much what we do with the kid’s birthday parties. She generally stakes out a spot in the backyard with her daughter’s family and they ignore everyone else.

      2. Forking Great Username*

        AHHHHHHHHH that Facebook comment would be amazing, hahahahaha! I know I need to worry less about the FB thing, but your suggestion there totally cracks me up.

        We were alternating holidays for awhile. Guess which side of the family made that get all messed up? For example, this was his family’s year for Thanksgiving. But when they found out husband’s sister had to be out of town for it this year for a work thing, they cancelled. (Of course, the years our family can’t come, they certainly don’t cancel on their daughter. Only her absence warrants a cancellation.) So now they expect us to be there for Easter, even though it’s my family’s year for that, because we didn’t spend Thanksgiving together. Even though that was totally their fault.

        God, I sound ridiculous. I just want to spend holidays my with people who don’t suck!

        1. Natalie*

          So, that kind of thing is something you should talk with your husband about. If they cancel, too bad. Then they lose two holidays that year.

        2. Rusty Shackelford*

          Wait. It’s not even their year to have you for Easter, but you feel compelled to go because they arbitrarily changed the schedule? Oh, hell no. This is when you put on a big smile and say “Oh, sorry, did you forget this is the year we spend Easter with the Forking family?” And when they whine about Thanksgiving you smile even harder and say “Yes, it’s a shame you decided to cancel that, but it doesn’t impact our Easter plans.”

          (Also, I suggested it under a different comment, but motherinlawstories.com is a great resource for dealing with these people!)

    6. Ruffingit*

      Dump them. If your husband wants to go visit alone, he can do so. But there’s really no reason for you to subject yourself and your children to this kind of abuse. Just stop. Family relationships can be complicated and fraught with all kinds of emotions, but the solutions to those issues are often quite simple – stop going. They are never going to be the grandparents/in-laws/parents that you want them to be. That’s OK. Find people to spend the holidays with who give a crap about you and your family. These people don’t. And again, that’s OK. Work through those feelings in therapy and then move on. You and your children deserve so much better than to show up for holidays only to be ignored and treated like Cinderella. It’s not worth it, honestly. Do something happy and loving and wonderful for the holiday with the family/friends who truly want you there and love you.

    7. valentine*

      If the kids are happy to do Easter or a different holiday with Grandma, so there’s a designated time they can see her, maybe cede it to her and husband can take them. It sounds like any interaction is submitting to abuse, though, so it would make sense to cut Grandma off. She’s been brainwashing the cousins and poisoning them against your kids. I can see where your SIL feels trapped because she’s enmeshed and can’t imagine leaving or even finding other childcare. Whatever you decide, also adopt a proper grandma, even if there’s already at least one on your side of the family.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      I would focus on giving your kids an enjoyable holiday. I was a kid whose cousins were favored by the grandparents. None of the family/religious holidays were ever fun or enriching. They were annoying and often sad because I could see that I wasn’t loved as much as the other kids. If you’re sure it’s going to be a rotten time, don’t force your young children to endure a situation that will set a poor example for how to be a family and how to participate in your religion.

    9. Jen*

      So, what are you looking to do on Easter? Visit your own parents? Have a small thing at your house and avoid extended family? Host at your house?

      Seems like if there is an option to let your kids see their grandparents, you should do it. It can be a quick stop in.

    10. Triplestep*

      While reading your post, I was formulating an answer in my head – until I got to the part where you said you’d grown up with grandparents like this.

      My original response was going to be about how your kids will eventually figure it out on their own, and it will be a reflection on the grandparents – not on them. That’s the way it has worked out with my kids; my son had it figured out by age 10, while it took my daughter a little longer.

      What did I do? I honored the relationship, brought the kids to visit my father and step-mother on demand when it was feasible, and built family-like inter-generational friendships in my own circle. My kids have people who are/were like grandparents, aunts and uncles to them. Believe me, as young adults, they totally get who is interested in them, their goals, their interests, etc. When thinking about the grandparents in question, their attitude is not one of rejection. They just don’t care that much.

      Now back to you … you’ve been through this with your own grandparents. When did you figure it out? Did it feel like a rejection at the time? Or did it just seem worthy of a shrug or eye-roll and then moving on? If you were hurt by your grandparent’s rejection, it’s understandable that you want to protect your kids from that. But your kids don’t need to see it as a rejection of them, or something they are missing out on. They can be like my kids and see it as their grandparents problem, their grandparents nutty behavior, their grandparents loss. There can be other adults in their lives that make this process easier – I recommend you try to apply some coping skills to the way your in-laws push your buttons (I know – not as easy as I make it sound) and start cultivating relationships with other adults for your kids.

  24. Anon Auntie*

    My BIL came over to my mom’s house and dropped my nephews (ages 2 and 3) off for a visit. She pulls out toys for them, makes lunch, changes diapers, sometimes gives them baths, etc. She said that she would then drive them back home. (Which is a 45 minute trip home, one way.)
    When she brought them back home, my BIL was all upset because the 2-year-old’s car seat didn’t have all the straps buckled. (3 out of the 4 straps were buckled- she missed one buckle by the legs.) My BIL then said, ” This is the third time. If it keeps happening, I’ll just pick them up.”
    Now, she watched their kids for the whole day, brought them home and instead of a “Thank you” she gets a lecture. I understand it from a safety perspective and if she got stopped by the police, I don’t know if they would mention something or not, so I get it. But the fact that BIL gets upset so easily just makes me upset. His mom doesn’t pick them up and take them to her house- she makes BIL drive them over. My mom does so much for them that they don’t appreciate it and it really makes me mad.

    Any thoughts?

    1. neverjaunty*

      Well, is it “for a visit” with Grandma, or is Grandma babysitting as a favor to BIL? If she’s providing childcare on the regular they should be appreciative, but if Grandma is seeing it as visiting her grandkids, then it’s not surprising they aren’t thanking her. Changing diapers and feeding small children is not something you can put off for hours.

      And I’m a little baffled by the concern about a traffic ticket. Your BIL wants his kids not to die in a car accident. He could probably remind your mom in a nicer way how to hook it up correctly, but if she just doesn’t see car seats as a big deal (“well WE survived”) or can’t be bothered, it makes sense that he’s upset.

      Are you otherwise annoyed with your BIL?

      1. only acting normal*

        Slight aside:
        I *hate* the “well WE survived” attitude some people have – Yeah, WE survived, but our contemporaries who DIDN’T aren’t here to be snide about it.
        …and breathe…

        (NB I’m not assuming that is Grandma’s attitude here.)

        1. Casuan*

          Only Acting, I understand what you’re saying although I’m missing your context here? What did Anon Auntie or neverjaunty say to make you think of it?
          I’m not panning your comment; I’m genuinely curious. :)

              1. Casuan*

                Oh, jeez!!
                I read neverjaunty’s comment several times & it never registered!!

                I hate when that happens!!
                :::turning crimson:::

                Fairly Odd, your response was perfect & made me laugh :)

    2. fposte*

      I think this one is between your BIL and your sib and your mom, and that your getting emotionally invested isn’t going to make the situation better and might make it worse. That can be a hard habit to break (I say, speaking as someone who has long has big ideas about what her siblings should do), but I think you’ll find it useful in both the short and long runs.

      1. Casuan*

        In theory, I agree with fposte.

        In practicality, BIL can be appreciative & concerned about his children’s safety. If BIL knew this was an issue & was concerned about it then he should have avoided this scenario by picking up his children himself— especially because it seems like he always could do this easily enough (“If it keeps happening, I’ll just pick them up.”).

        Anon Auntie, are you witnessing these exchanges or are you just hearing these things from your mum? Is it possible that your mum is getting thanked & berated &or that she is only conveying the negative to you?

        re comments that It’s no big deal that Grandmother wasn’t thanked:
        Thanking is always appropriate, especially when someone does something nice for someone you love.

    3. Forking Great Username*

      Sorry, but I’m team BIL here. Car seat safety is serious stuff – literally a matter of life and death. I also feel the need to point out that it’s misleading to say 3 of the 4 straps were buckled – car seats have a chest clip and the actual buckle down by the kids legs. Missing one of those buckles down by the kid’s legs means that bottom buckle is not in place, and the kid could go flying out of it, just slide right out of the bottom of the seat, in an accident, especially a fast-moving one. Could BIL have said thank you for watching the kids before telling her how important the car seat thing is? Yes. But I think it’s unfair that you are so upset with your BIL for getting upset about this. You’re upset about your mom’s feelings. He’s upset about…well, wanting to keep his kids alive. And the fact that this is the third time your mom has done this? That tells me it wasn’t a one-time slip up – that says she isn’t that concerned about car seat safety and probably thinks BIL is being over the top. Sounds like you probably think that to. You’re both mistaken – lots of research and awful, heartbreaking stories out there if you want evidence of that. It sounds like you basically feel like BIL owes your mom in some way because she visits with her grandkids and drives them sometimes, and that because of that, he doesn’t have the right to correct her even when it comes to the kid’s safety. And that can turn itself into a toxic in-law situation pretty easily. Check the ego and remember that your BIL is just trying to keep his kids safe.

      1. Forking Great Username*

        (And I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh, but this touches a nerve for me – see above post about my husband’s parents. One of the reasons they don’t see or ask about or kids anymore is that they’re so angry we won’t let them drive the kids anymore. The reason, as you could probably guess, is they would never take the time to strap them in correctly.)

        1. anon24*

          I agree with you 100%. If you’ve ever seen a bloody car seat in a wrecked car (and I hope you never do) you’d know that child car safety is one of the most serious things in a parent’s life. If a child is not buckled in properly they could easily become airborne in a crash.

    4. Agnodike*

      Not buckling a child correctly into a car seat is a life and death issue. It’s not ingratitude to want someone who cares for your child to not put their life at risk. And *three times*? Mistakes happen occasionally, even to parents, but routinely missing an important safety step would be a huge concern for me. I don’t think that’s “getting upset easily.” It does sound like your mom is doing lots for your niblings, which is great, but managing that relationship and making sure their kids are safe is something for your sibling and BIL to work out with your mom. I’m not sure why you want to be involved in how your sibling and BIL manage either their parenting decisions or their relationship with another adult.

    5. Book Lover*

      I totally understand why you are mad – but I would have said the same thing. Your mother is doing him a favor, while hopefully enjoying time with the kids, but their safety is the priority.

      And he wasn’t threatening to withhold the kids, just saying he would pick them up, which would actually make your mother’s life easier, right?

      But if your mother is feeling she is being used and not appreciated, she should have that discussion with him or just say no next time to taking care of them.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Book Lover covered it all! I understand you’re hurt over your mother being hurt, but your BIL is completely within reason to insist on car seat safety.

        You also might not have the full picture of everything he said to your mom–he may have communicated gratitude along with the criticism. This is between them, but you do have standing to talk to your mom if she raises it again, to say that you understand her being upset, but that your BIL is looking out for his children’s safety. As he should be!

      2. The New Wanderer*

        This is where I stand. It sounds like she does a lot for the kids while she’s caring for them and that’s great. If he’s ungrateful for that, it’s a different argument. But she did mess the buckling up three times now and he did just say he would do the driving to eliminate that risk, not stop having the kids at grandma’s altogether. I don’t think that by itself shows any ingratitude.

    6. valentine*

      Your BIL is happy to assume the cost of a 45-minute drive in order to avoid the unmitigated regret of mourning his child due to something so physically small as a buckle. Picture the news story if mom crashes: they would hold up the buckle and talk about how much of a no-brainer and how great of a lifesaver it is. If sib/BIL don’t appreciate your mom, that’s fair to push back on, but not equal to this great responsibility. I can see where he’s tired of telling her and thinking she must not care. If your mom exaggerates the lack of gratitude as much as she minimizes the buckling necessity, they may be thanking her just fine, while she wants a particular performance.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      OP, my guess is that your mom is dragging you into a conversation that you did not witness. This makes you the third party.
      Watch out for third party situations. Make it a life habit to redirect the person back to the other person who is actually involved in the problem. Help your mom with wording or role playing if you want. But insist that she either work to solve her problem OR don’t tell you until she is ready to solve her problem.

      I went off on a family member who let my dog out with no leash. It was a careless gesture and I had just lost a dog earlier. She KNEW this and still was careless with my new dog. When people show flagrant or repeated disregard for another people/beings, someone somewhere will get super ticked.

      As far as the child seat itself, if your mother is having a hard time remembering where the straps go then use a label maker and set it up so that she counts, step 1, step 2, and so on. I do this with machines that I don’t use a lot. I label the buttons or levers in numerical order. I know I have to count up to start and count backwards to end.

      Other than that, the correct answer to your BILs insistence at doing the driving himself is, “Oh, Okay then.”
      You could also consider telling your mother that if his request is such a hardship then she may want to consider doing less with the kids. It could be that she is tired and her patience is maxed out by the time they go home and that is why the car seat is done incorrectly.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      Being sloppy with carseat safety is a “remove all brown M&Ms scenario.” When an adult providing childcare misses such a crucial step, you wonder if there’s anything else they’re slacking on.

    9. ..Kat..*

      Can grandma go to a car seat safety seminar? Often held at your local children’s hospital or fire station. She can get one on one training specifically geared to their specific car seats. This really helps a lot of people. I remember being surprised by the percentage of people that are using car seats incorrectly (it is high!).

    10. Jen*

      Well, it is rude BUT it sounds like it is a pattern and car seat safety is a serious deal. Sounds like you haven’t been around for the previous incidents. All the free babysitting in the world isn’t helpfulnif the babysitter never does the car seats right putting the kid in danger.

      “Thank you so much for helping, next time Buckle then right” softens the severity of the problem, in my opinion. Again- only if this is one in a series of issues. First time is insanely rude.

      1. Jen*

        And- this is only what BIL has seen. Does grandma take them to the grocery store and forget to buckle?

        I’m pretty lax about kid stuff in general (mom of 3 under 5…), but think about this as if grandma were leaving the stove one once? Accident. Twice? Hmm maybe she’s too distracted. But three times that you’ve personally witnessed? That’s a pattern and a concern.

      2. PNW Flowers*

        No, its not rude. It’s a critical component of a child’s safety in a car. It is literally life and death, not a preference.

    11. Rusty Shackelford*

      “Three out of four” straps being buckled means the child wasn’t buckled in. No matter how awesome your mom is, if she’s not using the carseats correctly, your BIL is right to not have her use the carseats any more.

    12. Observer*

      You actually do NOT get it. This is not just about possibly getting a ticket. Not getting the car seat right put the kids at real risk. That’s a legitimate thing to be upset about.

      It doesn’t sound like he over-reacted – this is a pattern of behavior that puts the kids at risk. His reaction is not to cut the visits but to pick them up himself. Why is that so bad.

      Now, if he ranted, called your mother names or did something else ridiculous, I’d hear your complaint. But if she can’t get the car safety thing right she SHOULD make him pick the kids up. And you should stop getting offended that your BIL doesn’t want to put his kids at risk.

  25. Odelie*

    I’m sick with a cold- coughing, runny nose, congested. I’m having difficulty sleeping. Any tricks to sleep better when you’re sick?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I take a hot shower as close before bed as I can manage, which tends to open up my sinuses, and then Vicks Vaporub under my nose when I lie down. Several pillows so I’m not lying flat on my back. Chamomile tea with honey or cough syrup to keep the coughing to a minimum. Lots of water beside the bed. There’s also a trick you can do to manually un-clog your sinuses by pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth and pressing a finger firmly on the space between your eyes for about 30 seconds, then alternate pressing one and the other in a rocking-type fashion–it actually works for me, you can feel your sinuses begin to drain. Not fully, but enough to give yourself some temporary relief to fall asleep!

    2. Fiennes*

      A humidifier at your bedside can be a godsend. It helps your throat not dry out to maximum soreness when it’s tough to breathe thru your nose.

    3. Junior Dev*

      If a shower before bed or a humidifier aren’t going to work, you can soak a wash cloth or small towel in hot tap water, wring it out, and breathe through it for a few minutes when you first get in bed. You’ll probably want to have some tissues on hand for this.

      1. only acting normal*

        Seconding the breathing through a damp wash cloth. Very effective (if a little claustrophobic).
        Last time I had a rotten cold+cough, in bed I had a cold pack across my forehead and eyes and a wash cloth across my mouth. My husband thought it was hysterical he could only see the tip of my nose. :)

    4. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Seconding the hot shower before bed. I also try to drink a lot of herbal tea and sleep on my stomach instead of my back.

    6. Ktelzbeth*

      Afrin right before bed. Only use it for three days in a row, otherwise you can get worse congestion when you stop, but it should help open things up enough to let you breath and sleep. It does make my nose and sinuses burn sometimes, but being able to breath usually wins for me.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      For me, I can either take cold medicine at night and feel ok but not get any sleep (like maybe an hour or two if I’m lucky), or I can skip the cold medicine, feel all the symptoms but maybe get some sleep. Even the non non-drowsy stuff gets in the way of my sleeping. What really works for me is a few drops of eucalyptus oil on a wash cloth that I place on my pillow. The fumes really clear my head and that’s the biggest piece for getting to sleep. I’ll also take a spoonful of honey right before bed for my cough.

    9. Briefly Anon*

      Um. If you have congested sinuses, an orgasm is actually quite helpful. Not that anyone’s particularly in the mood when they’re sick, but if you can manage to apply yourself, it really can provide some temporary relief.

    10. oranges & lemons*

      I recently tried nasal spray with an awful cold and it really helped me sleep through the night since I wasn’t congested. I also think Nyquil is a godsend but it probably varies a bit in how effective it is.

    11. Casuan*

      Hot shower or bath before bed.
      If chamomile tea & honey aren’t enough, then herbal mint tea with a dash of whiskey.
      Nest in bed: many pillow & blankets, water, lotion or vaseline for your poor nose, & your tissues of choice* with a waste bin for them.

      *This is highly subjective. For me it’s Puffs Plus; Kleenex are softer although Puffs Plus are stronger & I’ve never been known to be a dainty sneezer.

      Feel better, Odelie!!

    14. MissDissplaced*

      Hot shower or bath helps relax the body aches. And I swear by lots of Nyquil. If the coughing is bad, a shot of whiskey can help (sipping not downing it).

    15. Mephyle*

      Sleep with your head and torso propped up so they are diagonal instead of horizontal. Anono-me mentioned a recliner chair, or use pillows and cushions in your bed to get a similar effect.

      1. sharon*

        Mucinex brand 12 hour pills. One DOES last 12 hours. Usex to use dollar tree generic 4 hour ones, since using the 12hr formula….I’m in love!!!

  26. Kezi*

    Update on my overweight cat I posted about a few weeks ago: I found a grain free food to try with him, and not only does he love it but he actually leaves kibble behind. I give him a scoop and he’ll eat about half of it instead of inhaling the food. It’s a little early to see weight change but I am seeing a nicer coat already. I hope it helps him slim down a bit.

    On a less happy note: One more week to finish all the Passover preparations and I have bronchitis.

    1. PM-NYC*

      What brand of cat food is it? (I also have a very heavy cat & my vet suggested switching to all wet food but he won’t eat that.)

      1. Kezi*

        I have him on nulo freestyle. He is comfortably eating only a cup and a quarter a day. For his weight, vet had figured 1.5 cups (.75 twice a day unless he was starting to eat non-food things) so I have been thrilled that he has been eating some of his food and leaving the rest.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Awesome! I had to switch Pig to grain-free because the regular stuff made her puke. I had her on Pro-pac for a while, but they discontinued it so we went to Taste of the Wild. She LOVED it and did really well on it. As she got older, I supplemented with wet food. Blue Buffalo was good but she also really loved Fancy Feast (plus it was cheaper). She liked those Fancy Feast broth things too and Temptations chewy treats now and then.

    3. Ali G*

      Would you mind sharing your Passover menu? I do what we call “Eastover,” since my husband’s family is Christian. The only really Passover-adjacent dish I make is matzoh ball soup.
      If you are willing to share your ideas, I would appreciate the inspiration!

      1. Kezi*

        We follow a Sephardic tradition so do things a little differently (We can still eat lentils and rice, for example.) My partner is responsible for the main dishes since I’ve been known to accidentally set fire to soup (in my pre-instant pot days). My favorite thing he makes is an lentil and rice dish where he cooks everything in a blend of orange juice and agave, but it wouldn’t be kosher for people following an Ashkenazi tradition.

        I like taking matza, crumbling it up, and making into pie crusts. I am all about matza pies. I use either coconut oil or kosher for passover margarine (if I can find it) to bind it all together depending on what I’m making.

    4. FrontRangeOy*

      Our kitties are on grain free Taste of the Wild, same as another poster. One is old, one is young, they both thrive on the stuff.

      With you right there on the Passover cleaning. Spouse and I are scheduled to do the kitchen together on Monday because, well, it’s slightly less of a drudgery to do it with someone. I’ve got my cheesy Maccabeats Passover playlist cued up and ready to go for that :-)

  27. Free Meerkats*

    Formula 1! Who’s a fan?

    New drivers, new livery, halos, new broadcaster and new on-air team in the US.

    I’ve driven the roads in Albert Park, it’s a lovely place.

    1. SJPufendork*

      Ooh! Me! Me!

      I am insanely excited that the seasons about to start. I don’t talk about my passion for racing IRL since my friends think racing means Rednecks.

      I’m interested in seein if LeClerc shows as much potential as people seem to think. And I want to see if we actually get a multi-manufacturer championship!

    2. Mike C.*

      I’m enjoying what the new owners have done with the broadcasts and actually posting things online and so on. We’ll see if there are commercials during the race tomorrow but even then I’m considering the streaming service.

    3. Free Meerkats*

      Some teething problems with the pre-show. Sky got savaged pretty good on Twitter for it. While I like being able to hear the cars better, they need to boost the announcers’ levels a bit.

  28. PeachSox*

    My spouse and I are buying a house soon, and we could really use some advice on where to buy large appliances. We are very new to the middle class, and no one else in our lives has ever been in a position to buy a home or their own large appliances, so we don’t really know how to go about this. We need to purchase a washer, a dryer, and a dishwasher. I can’t tell the difference between big stores like Lowe’s, Best Buy, and Home Depot. Is one better than the others? How do we find out the best deal? Where do people get their information on special offers and rebate promotions? I read online about “May is for Maytag,” but I can’t understand it and whether it is a good option. Any help would be greatly appreciated! (We are in the U.S.)

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      If you don’t have a subscription to Consumers Reports, try your local library–they’re the best I’ve found for comparing things like large appliances and ranking them based on things like power, noise, reliability, cost, and so on. I use it every time we have to make a major purchase like that and they’ve always been bang-on (for example, our washing machine died and we needed to buy a new one, and the one that was available to be delivered that week was one Consumers Reports listed as being noisy, but effective and relatively inexpensive for its power. Guess what? They were right.)

      Check out the fine print on your big-box store websites about delivery prices and terms and conditions. Some stores will haul away old stuff or hook up your existing stuff included in the delivery price. Some places will charge you extra. Ask your realtor if they have suggestions, or your home inspector if you have one yet–usually they can tell you places that are better to deal with as customers and places that are less scrupulous.

      Congratulations on the new house!

    2. Temperance*

      I would check coupon sites like Krazy Coupon Lady. There are a lot of coupon sites that tell you the best place/time of year to make certain purchases. It really helped us; we had to buy a new stove/oven, washer, microwave, dryer, and dishwasher at the same time. Thankfully, it was around Black Friday sales time, so we ended up saving several thousand dollars off the whole thing due to special BF deals and packages stacking with a percent off coupon.

    3. Cruciatus*

      I would start with Consumer Reports. You can usually get issues from your library and they sometimes have things you can read online without paying for it. We usually start there to see what they recommend in appliances or just to learn a bit more about features available on them (and whether they are worth the cost). And they discuss things like whether warranties are, well, warranted (usually, no). So once you know what you like then you can just start browsing online and compare prices. I also usually check out deal websites like slickdeals dot net or dealnews dot com and you can often read the forums for the best price that was available for an item. If you can get a price close to that then you’re likely getting a good price! Also do internet searches for best time to buy X (fridge, washer, etc.). There are some months where certain items get bigger discounts. Also, don’t buy Maytag. They actually have a very high repair rate.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I see I should have refreshed before I posted! Oh well. Really, Consumer Reports is great! I use CR then check online reviews by (hopefully) real people to make as informed a decision as I can. I don’t know that it really matters where you buy as long as you’ve figured out if you’re getting a good price or not. Maybe one place has free delivery which could end up being cheaper overall even if the appliance is a little more. Maybe another offers free 5-year warranty. Maybe you can get a good deal at a local place because you’re buying so many items at the same time. Just ask questions and hopefully you’ll find a place that will give you a great deal! Good luck!

    4. LCL*

      Just go to your nearest big box store and see what’s available. Then type the name and model into your browser and start reading. You will find that usually most of the big stores are within 50$ of each other once you figure out the actual price. The place where the price appears hundreds less than the other guys often doesn’t include the cost of delivery and removal of the old appliances. It’s totally OK to buy last year’s model. Some places may offer a deal if you purchase more than one thing at a time.

      Small local owned businesses are nice to use if one exists where you are. We got a deal on our dishwasher from one.

      Hopefully reading on line will give you an idea of what to avoid. Our new stove turned out to be a bit of a lemon, but that line turned to crap the year we bought because of manufacturing changes and nobody knew it yet.

    5. the gold digger*

      Scratch and dent store! All the great stuff but with maybe some paint scratching! Google “scratch and dent appliances [your city].” We got our washer and dryer at the Sears scratch and dent store for a lot less than they would have cost anywhere else.

      1. dawbs*

        yes, the searsoutlet near us rocks.
        AND, what can be useful, IF you have time, and have an existing ‘barely hanging in there’ appliance, is figuring out what you want (read your reviews, I really like thewirecutter.com) and pinpointing it, then using the heck out of the webpages to wait for it to come in stock.

        THen you can swoop down when it’s in stock and get it.
        My refrigerator was 2/3 LESS than retail because of that. And the catch is the markerboard we use for our to-do list goes in the upper left corner–which was probably where it was going anyhow :P
        (it’s not super noticeable, but *I* know it’s there)

    6. Red Reader*

      As far as the where: I bought my washer and dryer at Lowe’s and had a very positive experience with the sales folks and the delivery/install folks both.

      I bought my kitchen appliances (a year earlier than the w/d) at Best Buy and the sales guy in the store was very nice and helpful, but the installers sucked. One was a racist d-bag — the people who owned my house before I did had done some uh creative (read craptastic) DIY in the kitchen that complicated matters a skitch, and he kept repeating emphatically how they had obviously “afro-engineered” everything, you know what I mean? NO I DON’T, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND WE’LL FINISH HANGING THE MICROWAVE OURSELVES AND YES I WILL DEFINITELY TAKE THAT SURVEY LINK FOR SURE THANK YOU. The other guy wasn’t too awful, but a bunch of the … I dunno what it’s for, the white padding or sound muffling or whatever around my dishwasher is hanging out the bottom of it and I didn’t notice that til after he left. I also had a massive dent in my microwave and the installers and the store manager had a two-month squabble over who’s responsibility it was to either replace it or credit me back 10% for it. Finally I told the store manager “Look, I don’t even care anymore, the dent is on the top and I can’t see it anyway, but seriously, what kind of customer service is this, giving me a two-month runaround and catching me up in your internal squabble over $15?” That was in 2014 and I haven’t shopped at a Best Buy since. :P

      (But I have been super happy with my Whirlpool kitchen set and my Samsung washer/dryer, for what that’s worth.)

    7. Piano Girl*

      I buy my appliances from an appliance store, rather than Home Depot, etc. For me, any difference I pay in the price is worth it to have it properly installed and to have someone service it. As an example, when I replaced my oven, they were able to do a quick repair (trimmed down a lip in the linoleum) which allowed me to purchase a nicer oven for less money. When the oven needed a repair, it was easy and convenient. Good luck!

      1. Windchime*

        I second this suggestion. My sister recently got a screamin’ good deal at Home Depot (Black Friday sale) for stove, microwave, fridge, and dishwasher in a house she is renovating. The price included delivery and installation. Well, the delivery happened but the guys had an excuse for each appliance why they couldn’t deliver. For instance, they said the screws were stripped on the existing microwave bracket, so they couldn’t install the new one. If they had just looked, they would have seen that it was a square screw head and not Phillips.

        So yeah, I would go with the local appliance store. The big box stores contract out the delivery and installation, and you never know if you’re going to get a pro or some lazy bozo who doesn’t want to do the installation.

    8. Irene Adler*

      Since you are purchasing more than one appliance, see if you can negotiate to get a discount or something else of value. Factor in delivery charges, installation (esp the dishwasher) and even haul away charge (for the dishwasher). Sometimes the Mom & Pop appliance stores are places that are receptive to negotiations. Also, they might offer discounts if you purchase from them and later on need a repair.

      If there’s a gas dryer involved, make sure the hook ups are same diameter. Will the installer have the means to take of this or will you need to bring in a plumber to connect things? I learned this one the hard way with my gas stove.

      I second consulting Consumer Reports for reliability information. Also for buyer’s guides on what options to consider and how to assess your needs.

      If you find specific makes/models you like, google them to see if there’s any issues with them. Usually there will be a few; you are looking for great numbers of logged complaints. Also might contact an appliance repair company and ask them for brand recommendations. They will at least know what to stay away from.

    9. Anon for this*

      Best Buy’s appliance area is pretty small with not much selection. Lowes and Home Depot have a larger selection and will have pretty much the same thing as each other. Memorial day is coming up relatively soon and there will be sales then, if you can wait. Do your price research now, thought, so you know whether it’s worth waiting.

      Consumer reports doesn’t just review products, they also have buying guides that tell you about what you’re buying and how to select the best one for you.

    10. Alston*

      We bought ours at Best Buy. Everything was a little cheaper there. Also they have open box stuff-new appliances that were returned or two big to get up someone’s stairs or something. We basically looked around at stuff we liked and then looked up reviews.

      All these stores will have sales around holidays. So try to scope out when a sale is (but seriously, it’s almost every month)

    11. Oxford Coma*

      I had a very bad experience with Lowe’s. Our dishwasher was fried during a lightning storm (surprise! surge protectors aren’t just for computers!) and I wanted to replace it with the same one because it worked so well. It was discontinued, but an employee assured me that there was still stock in a warehouse somewhere, and he could order it.

      It was delivered, and was not even close to the right dishwasher. The model number and all identifying information was the same, but it was a completely different product. They gave me the run-around for WEEKS about it. Normally I am much better at advocating for myself as a consumer, but I was knee-deep in my thesis and wanted to cry at the idea of ripping it out and starting over. I gave up and still have that worthless POS washer that doesn’t match and doesn’t get dishes clean, but I will never shop at Lowe’s again.

    12. Earthwalker*

      When our spendy front loader washer died due to a house power problem, we couldn’t afford to buy another. So we tried a high efficiency washer from Lowes – a top loader with a short impeller instead of a tall agitator. Discovered that those clean clothes almost as well as the front loader (which is way better than an agitator) and cost a lot less. The old expensive dryer died from our power troubles too. Husband replaced that with a refurbished second hand dryer. (A local entrepreneur took abandoned appliances from foreclosed homes and repaired them). That was way cheap and it has been going strong for years. (And the moral of the story is, if weird electrical events make you go “hmm,” call the power company sooner rather than later. Minor power glitches that don’t bother the stove or the lights will fry those tender electronic washer/dryer switch panels, and it’s cheaper to buy new appliances than replace those panels.)

    13. Not So NewReader*

      My husband was a repair technician. His criteria was, “Who will repair it WHEN it breaks?” Not IF it breaks, but WHEN it breaks.

      Some towns have That One Appliance Store that everyone goes to because it’s not a big box store and it has a repair department.

      Right after my husband passed, I was suddenly faced with replacing three out of four major appliances. UGH!
      I happened to have a friend who had good luck so I asked him. You might be able to find people to ask at your jobs or whatever groups you may belong to. You are looking for someone who is happy with their appliances and you ask them what they did.

      The place I chose, delivered my appliances, tested them to make sure they ran properly and took away my old
      appliances. I had a problem with the dryer and they came right away. It was a little rocky getting through that part, but once they fixed it the dryer has been fine and I have had it for years.

      When you find this local place and you have narrowed down your choices some what ask them what is doing well out in the field. Because they have a repair department they know full well what is working and what is not.
      When I picked out my washer I had to keep my choice modest. I picked out the lowest priced washer. The salesman volunteered, “The one that is $20 more is doing much better out in the field. The one you pointed to gives us many more problems.” I thanked him and bought the one that was $20 more. My friend went to the same place. His price range was a lot more healthy. He wanted x, y and z. The salesman took him right over and showed him the model that people were the most happy with. He, too, is happy with the machine.

      So if you go this route, you are looking for an independent dealer, who has been in business for decades and has a repair department.

    1. fposte*

      No, but I will now.

      On another note, did you see the article in Harper’s, “The Pain Refugees: What We Get Wrong about the Opioid Crisis”? It’s about the horrible flaws in pain management. Link in followup.

    2. Junior Dev*

      I haven’t read any of them. The phrase “dangerous drugs such as opioids” in the summary puts my hackles up. I’ve seen friends and family ruin their lives with opioid addiction, and I’ve had pain so bad that opioids were the only thing that helped. I’m pretty touchy about this.

      The things that ultimately helped me with my low back pain were physical therapy and medical marijuana. A prerequisite to getting the PT was finding doctors who believed me, took my symptoms seriously, and respected my needs and life circumstances in deciding on treatments. Navigating the healthcare system was just as challenging as any direct part of my treatment.

      1. Gaia*

        I view opioids as both dangerous and necessary. Some people truly need them but they are also widely overprescribed and abused.

  30. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m feeling better than I was last week about some of the childhood trauma stuff but now I’ve been reminded of other trauma. Most recently it was when I went in to physical therapy last night for a moderately painful but not yet disabling leg pain, and it really reminded me of a couple years ago when I saw the same PT at the same office for an awful, extremely painful, extremely limiting injury. I’m scared to be sick again. I don’t think it will get as bad this time but I also am afraid to really feel my feelings about what’s happening in my body.

    I’m proud that I went to a kickboxing class again, and I made social plans for today, and I paid my bills for the rest of the month with the exception of rent.

    How are you doing?

    1. nep*

      Had a bit of a breakthrough in the past week — just letting some big stuff go and feeling a lot lighter. It’s all been very spontaneous; I didn’t set out to do anything special. Just in reading and learning about some ways to cope with things, I found a couple approaches that really work for me.
      I think relief from back pain and ability to move/exercise the way I want to has a lot to do with feeling lighter, more at peace. But I also have freed myself of some suppressed toxic stuff and habits that I know were weighing heavily.
      Wishing everyone peace.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Good for you! Exercise definitely is important, and my mental health has gotten much worse when I couldn’t do it due to back pain.

    2. Fiennes*

      I had some bad anxiety days—which I was able to better deal with once I recognized them as anxiety. It’s taken me so long to understand that anxiety doesn’t always feel like fear; instead it can be extreme torpor or paralyzing patterns of negative thoughts. So I took my meds for a couple of days, did some meditation, and am back on a more even keel.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Yay for you! My anxiety manifests itself in all kinds of different ways and it’s hard to recognize a lot of them, so I’m glad you are making progress on that!

    3. Ruth (UK)*

      I’m doing well. I feel these days I seem to experience less anxiety etc on average than a lot of people do, which is an odd turnabout from just over a decade ago where I felt like the only person I knew with mental health problems…

      For some context, there was a period of time when I was 14-17 or so where my parents genuinely considered the possibility I would never be able to live independently of them or without care as my mental health had deteriated to the point where I couldn’t carry out any level of caring for myself (the diagnosis I got was actually OCD but I feel this was never quite right).

      I think now, no one would know of my mental health unless I told them, and I think people are very surprised to find I have ever had problems (I think I present as quite a confident and capable person).

      So right now I’m in a coffee shop – teen or child me would not have used (or touched) crockery or cutlery that had EVER been used by a person other than me no matter what type of cleaning had happened to it.

      So I just have occasional moments where I’m shocked (in a good way) at what I’m doing (or not doing).

      And I just generally try to remember that no matter how obscure or irrational a fear or thing that causes anxiety or upset might seem for someone to have… The brain does some odd stuff.

      The down side is, when I think a about my past, I still deal with a lot of angry thoughts about it… The upside is, I guess I feel like I can be understanding of other people’s problems (sometimes even if that’s just realising that I can’t really understand what they feel but know that it’s really bad and empathize)

    4. bassclefchick*

      I haven’t checked in with this thread in a long time, and I really missed it!

      Overall, I’m doing well. My job is going great, so that part of my life is finally smoothing out.

      However, now I have to start controlling my eating again. It’s gotten WAY out of hand. When things were at their worst last year, I gained back the 15 pounds I had lost. I’m stuck again. I can’t seem to get back on track. Plus, my anxiety has been bad, so my bad habit is really manifesting itself. I have been trying to get in to see a specialist who deals with my issue, but my insurance won’t list her as in-network. Until that gets straightened out, I can’t get the help I need. Sigh. I know the direction I want to go, I just can’t seem to get there.

    5. Lily Evans*

      My anxiety has been really bad lately. There’s a lot of medical problems and drama surrounding them happening in my family right now that everyone’s worried about. I’ve been having over-the-top crying reactions to things lately (like I literally cried for a good ten minutes the other day because a customer service person I was on the phone with was brusque). My brain is trying to convince me that all of my friends secretly hate me. And I know I should really try to find a therapist but doing things is just so hard.

      I also had my parents react really badly to something that I was super excited about and it feels like my parade’s been peed on. I could really use some time hanging out with friends but I just feel like a major bummer to be around, and what if they all secretly hate me?

      1. Thlayli*

        Do you know logically that they don’t hate you, but still FEEL like they hate you, or do you actually THINK that they hate you?

        Logically, if they hated you, they wouldn’t be your friends. So they must not actually hate you. It’s just the anxiety making you feel that way.

        Please make it a priority this week to find a therapist. Good luck

    6. Red*

      I’m actually doing well, except for I have the flu. I’m ordered to stay home and rest for a week by my doctor and the boredom and social isolation is killing me. I honestly cannot wait to go to work again, it’s that rough.

    7. Lissa*

      I’m feeling much better with the nicer weather. I always forget how much SAD affects me, because it comes on so slowly, and by February I’m always a mess but I never consciously believe how much is the weather, until it starts lightening up.

      Dealing with some absolutely ridiculous social drama that’s making me feel old and grumpy. Not going to get into all the details but basically: not everyone has to be friends, and I personally believe that if I’m not someone’s biggest fan, all that is required of me is not to be rude, and I don’t need a bunch of people interrogating why or trying to “fix” it. Just want to hide in my apartment and yell “leave me alooooone.”

    8. Amber Rose*

      When my health took a nosedive last summer I took a hiatus from nearly all my social activities. It was too much to function at work and also go places after work and try to function when I was so miserable I could hardly do even basic tasks.

      I’ve been more stable this year so I promised to start going back to stuff, but a major trigger for my anxiety is being late, and I’ve been gone for over half a year now which is the MOST late and even with my meds I am so nervous I feel like throwing up. I’ve been trying and failing to go all month, and tomorrow is my next attempt.

    9. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m doing okay. I made it to the doctor and even though I wanted to throw her through the window when she suggested that my chronic pain was caused by a mild iron deficiency I was able to stay calm in the office. I have an ultrasound this week to find out what is causing the sharp pains in the abdomen and I’m still on the waiting list to see a pain specialist. The whole process is irritating and if I dwell on it too long I can get very depressed, but I’m trying to work on focusing only on what I can do instead of what I can’t do.

      To top off this week I went to a crochet group and had fun talking with the ladies there and working on a project. Between making things and reading and writing I have been filling my time and not allowing my mind to think to much about future fears. The future is a terrifying concept for me right now so one step at a time; one little victory. Speaking of victories by the end of this week I will have read 50 books since the beginning of the year. It’s not a useful thing, but I still feel accomplished!

    10. Thlayli*

      I got diagnosed with depression this week. Probably related to my miscarriage last month. On antidepressants and booked in to see a therapist next Friday. Feeling better already, but maybe that’s just the placebo effect.

      2. Nashira*

        If you feel better, you feel better, and that is something that has real value. Sometimes knowing that you are receiving help can be enough to take the edge off.

    11. Anon on this one*

      Not good. Not good at all. Every. Little. Thing. just pushes me over the edge and I break down into tears. I’ve literally had more panic attacks the last two weeks than the previous year combined. Multiple meltdowns a day over mundane shit that ends in just sobbing. I’ve had everything under control for years and it’s like everything just went to shit out of nowhere for no reason at all and I don’t have the energy or will to even call my doctor for help. Like I’m starting to wonder if it’s bad enough that I need to just go to the ER and do inpatient.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. I hope you’re able to get the help you need with a minimum of hassle.

        Do you have any friends or family members you can call and talk to about it? I know it can be hard to admit you’re not doing well, but sometimes it helps just to make sure *someone* knows what’s going on. I’ll sometimes ask my parents to call me in the morning and help me wake up when I’m having a really hard time getting out of bed. Maybe you could ask for something like that?

        1. Anon on this one*

          Thanks. Those are good ideas. Intellectually I know this train of thought is BS, but I don’t want to bother anyone with it. My family is all several states away, and I only have a couple of friends I’m close enough to that I’ve even told I have mental health problems. My spouse is, frankly, already not helping. He hasn’t washed a single dish or so much as folded a sock in so long I couldn’t even tell you when. I’m just overwhelmed and ran out of fucks to give. I don’t know. I think I’m just on my own.

    12. Tiny Crankypants*

      Junior Dev,

      Thanks for doing the mental health thread every week. I really appreciate the time to reflect. I am glad that you’re holding up well and confronting your own traumas. I am also glad that you’re going for kickboxing. I find it very therapeutic, too.

      My therapist is working on installing good self-beliefs within myself. I am slowly getting better.

  32. The Other Dawn*

    I just have to say the Eve looks a bit annoyed that she has to share the bed with Olive and Lucy. She really should have her own king-sized bed. Just sayin’…

        1. Junior Dev*

          Thanks!

          Eve looks so cute in whatever little box she found to sit in. My cat doesn’t really do “if I fits I sits”–she doesn’t care about boxes or paper bags or anything. She does like to go in my closets and last week I came back from work to find I had accidentally shut her in the coat closet. (she was fine, just kind of annoyed.)

          1. Snargulfuss*

            This is my cat too! If I put a bag on the floor, no interest, but if I open a cupboard or closet door I have to be really careful about checking to see if she’s inside before I close it. And I usually don’t realize she’s stuck inside somewhere until it dawns in my that I haven’t seen her in a while.

          2. Red Reader*

            My husband’s fearless, brainless, one-eye-less cat gets shut on the wrong side of doors ALL THE TIME. She spent the night in the garage once, several nights in various closets recently. She’s the only one of our four cats who isn’t a big chicken, we’re pretty sure that she’s just too dumb to recognize potential problems. :P (Little known fact: Cats apparently store their brains and dignity in their left eyeballs. :P I know three cats who are missing specifically left eyes, and all three of them are the absolute dumbest specimens of felinity in existence. This one regularly loses fights with her catnip pickle, the floor, and her own paws.)

  33. Nerd Writer*

    I’m sharing this here because I am both proud and embarrassed by what I’ve done this week. I wrote and posted my first piece of fan fiction and it’s getting some positive attention from the community. I’m just delighted, because I worked hard on it and people seem to be enjoying it.

    I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone in real life that I’ve done this, because it’s a very explicit sexy Star Trek fic, which is just too embarrassing for me to reveal! But I felt like I had to tell someone, so I’m telling you guys.

    2. Agnodike*

      It’s not embarrassing to do something you enjoy, and even less so if other people enjoy what you’ve created! If J.J. Abrams can make a bundle on the premise of sexy Star Trek, why shouldn’t you enjoy it too? (Even if your version is a little more, uh, more.)

      1. Nerd Writer*

        True! I find myself less and less embarrassed by stuff as I get older, and I see no reason why this pattern shouldn’t continue. Maybe I’ll be sharing my sexy fics with all the other residents in my nursing home someday!

        1. fretnone*

          I hope we end up in the same nursing home! And props – I am still screwing up the courage to share my sexy ST fanfic :D

    5. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Congratz! That’s such an awesome feeling to finish something and get positive feedback on it.

        1. Casuan*

          Nerd Writer, I read your story.
          You should be very proud of it!
          […although I confess the subject isn’t my thing]

          It’s creative & the tone came through [by tone I mean that I could envision the characters delivering the dialogue]. I also like the linguistic aspect & the words that you created.
          When in the timeline of DS9 is this? If the story said, I misssed it. I ask because there’s an episode that would logically come after your story [IMHO], which is “The Wire” [s2e22]. In the teaser there’s a discussion about literature.

          Keep writing & keep publishing for as long as it fulfils you!
          If you do, please let us know. :-)

          1. Nerd Writer*

            Casuan, thanks for reading and for your feedback, especially given that the subject’s not really your cup of tea!

            I think of it as taking place sometime in season one, or maybe early season 2, and they’re getting to know each other. But yes, I had the literature discussion in The Wire in mind when I was writing. I wanted to show the potential genesis of their little book club.

            Thanks again for the feedback and encouragement!

            2. Casuan*

              Hopefully this suggestion doesn’t offend you [if you read it at all because it’s after the weekend]… I think your story fits in perfectly with “If Wishes Were Horses” from season one. We only know of one of the character’s wishes, so your story can be about the other character’s wish. That could also explain the book club, kind of. Alternate timeline episode is Dramatis Personae.
              Ds9 is my fave Star Trek series, in case you couldn’t tell!

              1. Sawcebox*

                I’m delighted you’re still commenting, and of course I’m not offended! I’m actually delighted that you’ve thought enough about my little fic to even suggest it.

                I hadn’t thought about the story in the context of either of those two episodes, but I’m really enjoying thinking about the possibilities. It really puts a different spin on it to think of it as purely a fantasy, in the case of Horses (which I admit I have not watched in a long time, but I have recently listened to a podcast recap about it), or one of them not in their right mind, as in Dramatis Personae.

                DS9 is my absolute fave too :)

                1. Nerd Writer*

                  Haha, my “secret” identity has been given away. Should have been more careful on my second computer. It’s me, sometime comment leaver Sawcebox. Hopefully not too many people are still reading this thread ;)

                2. Casuan*

                  :-D
                  Check in on future free-for-alls & let us know how the writing is going. I’ll be glad to read your stories. They won’t convert me to the subject matter although I can appreciate the character developments.
                  Glad I didn’t offend you & I’m delighted if I helped!

  34. Blah*

    So I got my first motorcycle helmet the other day. Very nice (and expensive) piece of kit. It’s a black full face helmet, and I’m getting both clear and tinted pinlock visors. What I need is a reflective decal so my helmet flashes in the headlights at night or in the fog (boy, do I live in a foggy climate). Being me, I’m obsessing about what I want. Do I want a shamrock? Odin’s hammer? Skull? Fake eyes? I’m actually not sure. I like both the shamrock and Odin’s hammer, but I can’t say I must have either.

    It’s also time to seriously consider what bike to buy. I’m buying used and older, and my ideal is a smaller cc Honda Rebel like what I did the basic skills course on, but if I can’t find one, what other lightweight cruisers that are good for beginners and easy to find parts for are out there? I want a relatively cheap and fuel efficient bike, but not a scooter.

    1. Free Meerkats*

      Just remember the acronym, ATGATT. All The Gear, All The Time. I don’t ride at the moment, but I never leave the driveway without real shoes long pants, jacket, helmet, and gloves.

      I can’t give useful advice on the steed, haven’t owned anything smaller than 1500cc since the early 80s.

  35. WellRed*

    My new roommate (moves in next week) doesn’t use checks so sent me rent and security deposit via Zelle. Help! Zelle isn’t partnered with my bank so I downloaded Zelle and set up a profile/account but I don’t know how to use it to get the money. Can I use it to get the money? It asked for my debit card info so I thought it could transfer to that but every time I click the link my roommate texted me, it takes me to a page that asks me to select my bank.

    1. the gold digger*

      Get off my lawn, but – I think it is your roommate’s responsibility to get you the money in a way that’s easy for you.

      Other than that, I got nothing.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Agreed. There might also be a fee for you, WellRed, to use Zelle since it doesn’t have an agreement with your bank. If your roommate is that opposed to checks, maybe get her to use cash? It might take a few days or a week to withdraw enough money from the ATM, though, depending on withdrawal limits.

      2. Ktelzbeth*

        Unless you specifically told the roommate to use Zelle, I’m with TGD and DSP. It also depends on how much you need this roommate. Do you have to take their money any way they will provide it or can you kick up a bit of a fuss even at the risk of them walking and you having to look for someone else?

      3. Florida*

        I agree. Even people that don’t have checks have the ability to get money orders. Or once they live there, they can pay you in cash. Roomie needs to give it to you in an easier way.

    3. Lore*

      It’s also possible that you can’t use Zelle. My bank is HSBC and I was sent a Zelle payment for a freelance job. I installed the app, went through the steps to link my debit card, it wouldn’t register, and when I called the Zelle rep told I had to use a different debit card. Which I don’t have. The client can cancel the payment; if your new roommate has a bank account she can set you up as a payee and the bank can send you a paper check or transfer. (Which is how I got paid in the end.)

    5. WellRed*

      So, the zelle transfer worked. I have no idea how. Since I am headed out of town for a week, its nice to get her money and know I am all set. Had a hard time finding roommate this time around.

  36. Free Meerkats*

    Vague Worldcon costume update.

    I’ve finished and fitted the muslins, the fabric order came in, I may have lined up an embroidery machine to borrow, and my sewing machine is freshly serviced. Time to start cutting fabric!

    At Emerald City Comic Con last year, I bought a fez. https://mcphee.com/products/safety-monitor-fez That prompted a hall costume idea, The Safety Monitor. The friend who helped me with the Rambo Brite costume is making a 3-piece suit for me, using safety yellow and orange fabrics. She can make it for me, because it’s not a competition costume. I’m making a traffic cone topped walking stick. I may make a cape for it.

    If I have time, I’m going to make a Takeo Ischi hall costume; black lederhosen, black cape, and a stuffed chicken.

    If anyone else is planning to go to Worldcon 75, LMK. We can plan a meet up.

    1. Free Meerkats*

      Oh yeah, a friend is 3D printing an accessory piece for me. She says it’s going to be 40 hours of printing, and I still have to assemble it and fit it to another part of the accessory. Then paint it all. And I have a foam sword to make. And cast and paint some custom buttons. Will I finish by August? Stay tuned!

      1. Free Meerkats*

        I won’t have my schedule until much closer to the Con, but I’ll be working the Fanzine Lounge. Stop in and say hi. You’ll be able to recognize me by the pink beard.

  37. Indisch Blau*

    Question about public transportation in London: The map for public transportation in London and vicinity shows an area in the southern suburbs sandwiched between zones 4 and 5 marked London Trams Fare Zone. Can anyone tell me what this means? Is a Travelcard for Zones 1-4 or 1-5 valid in the Trams Fare Zone?

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      My understanding is that a Travelcard for zones 1-5 is also good for trams while a 1-4 is not, but I’ve never needed to take a tram myself so I’m not 100% on that.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Oops, posted this before Isobel’s comment with the link showed up.

    2. Nye*

      Ooh, I second this! My favorite book growing up was one of hers, Chloe & Maude. Sweet book and nice lessons about friendship and being yourself. I think it’s out of print, sadly, but you can still find it used pretty easily. (I’ve done so a few times to give it to small children of my acquaintance.)

  39. Lizabeth*

    Question about cutting mat boards for frames. There lots of YouTube on how to cut straight edge ones (bevel or no bevel) BUT I haven’t found anything on how to cut heart shaped ones (bevel or no bevel). Suggestions where to look? The Logan mat systems have great videos but all straight edge or using the circle/oval one. TIA

    1. Lcsa99*

      If you have instructions for circles and straight lines, it should be pretty easy to put those together to get a heart. Just do two half circles next to each other, then connect them with two straight (At an angle) lines.

      It would be slightly more complicated than that, but if you pencil it out first I am sure it’ll work.

  40. Snargulfuss*

    I know there are a lot of cats fans and Yoga with Adriene fans here so I thought I share that my cat loved watching Yoga with Adriene, especially the videos where Benji makes an appearance. (I swear he has to be the wirld’s most chill/laziest dog!) Whenever Benji gets up and walks out of the shot, my cat will look beside and behind the TV trying to figure out where he went.

    1. anon24*

      My cats love Yoga with Adrienne. I tell them it’s yoga time and they come sleep my my computer and my yoga mat. I’ve caught them intently watching the video and occasionally they will mimic the stretches in their own kitty ways.

      1. Snargulfuss*

        Wow, that’s amazing! My cat thinks my yoga mat is a wrestling mat. Whenever I get it out she flops down on it in a way that signals “time to play.”

    2. Parenthetically*

      This is amaaaazing. I love Yoga with Adrienne and I love that your cats love it!

    3. cat socks*

      That’s so cute that your kitty looks for Benji! Count me in as a cat + Yoga with Adriene fan.

  41. Ruth (UK)*

    Argh bike maintenance rant! I’m a cycle commuter by a mix of necessity and choice (I could probably get and afford a car if I HAD do but I currently don’t own one, it’s not quite in my budget, parking isn’t easily available anywhere near the flatblock I live in, etc).

    Anyway, I typically do about 80 miles per week on the bike (a mix of work commute and other activities) and my preferred bike is really just worn out beyond repair – the cost to replace all the necessary parts really isn’t worth it compared to just getting another second hand bike. My spare needs a bit of care / servicing, and I really just need to sort of which parts I’m putting on what bike and getting a new preferred bike (my spare is a mountain bike which I keep for back up or icy conditions). I feel like I’m juggling bikes at the moment and it’s just a pain. Still, at least I can mostly sort it out myself… If I had the same issues with a car I realise it would be a lot pricyer and more complex… Still it’s all very inconvenient! :( End of rant…

    2. Zathras*

      Fellow bike commuter here – so sad that your trusty steed is worn out! Good luck getting things sorted out and finding an awesome bike to replace it.

  42. Katie the Fed*

    I hope this doesn’t belong on the Friday thread instead – this is more on the mental/emotional aspect:

    Working moms, how did you cope with returning to work? I’m a week out and having SUCH a hard time with the thought of leaving my little baby in daycare. I know I’m not cut out to be SAHM – the lack of mental stimulation, paycheck, and adult interaction would not be good for me. But…he’s just so LITTLE. And I’m so crazy about him. The thought of returning to work and leaving him for so many hours is so hard to deal with.

    Does anyone have words of comfort or something that can help me cope with this?

    1. It’s All Good*

      I completely understand and was in the same position. Before kids, I knew I would still want a career. Then after birth I was mortified to leave them, even though I knew I was a better person and Mom when I worked. I was so angry about it. At work, thinking about the baby and with the baby thinking about work (don’t stone me). Then one day I woke up and realized my feelings smoothed out and they weren’t on a pendulum anymore. My advice is to take one day at a time. The days are long but the years are short. Good luck to you.

    2. Overeducated*

      It’s SO HARD. It’s sad and scary and emotional for many of us, and the anticipation is as tough as the leaving itself. But the second day will not be as bad as the first, the second week won’t be as bad, and you will probably establish a new normal sooner than you think. The only way out is through, just know it gets better.

    3. Cobalt*

      For me, the first day was by far the hardest. It has gotten easier, but even though my son is six, I still deal with Mom guilt sometimes!

      I think the hardest thing was figuring out a balance. When I felt like I was winning at work, I felt like I was failing at home, and vice versa. Eventually, it started to even out. I did not really click with my son’s first daycare provider. We switched, and I felt much more comfortable. For me, that was key in easing my guilt. Now, I consider our teachers as part of our family! I also dropped to part time for a couple of years. I realize that isn’t an option for everyone, but for me it really helped me get to that balance. Now I’m full time again since my son is older.

      TLDR…take it one day at a time, and things will get easier. Try tweaking things as time goes by, and be gentle with yourself. There is no right way to do this, and I think everyone struggles with the tradeoffs.

    4. Anon though I shouldn’t be....*

      The first day I left my son I came home and just cried. Then after that it was really ok. I probably had some postpartum depression and being back to work actually helped. I struggled terribly with pumping for him and that was hard, but I felt more like myself going back to work and enjoyed my time with him more when it wasn’t continuous.
      I had more time at home with my little girl, and it was easier to leave because she was older and harder because she was much easier. But even with her, I just felt more like myself when I was back at work. And pumping was much easier for her, likely because I was more relaxed about everything.

      I really think you will be fine – it may feel a little traitorous to say so, but you may feel amazing about it. It can be hard because of fatigue, not caring as much as you used to about work, etc, but you get into a new routine and babies get older every day. And one day they will be big kids and at school most of the time.

      1. Anon though I shouldn’t be....*

        And that totally didn’t have to be anon, and likely wasn’t very, but oh well!

    5. Thlayli*

      Both my kids were over a year when I went back, so I have no personal experience of leaving a baby in a Creche, but I just wanted to say I sympathise. I feel so sorry for you American ladies. Check out the working moms board on what to expect there’s loads of American ladies on there to give you advice too.

      Good luck x

    6. Not That Jane*

      I was lucky in that I got to go back very part-time and intermittently at first. But I did find, as others have said, that it didn’t take very long to establish a “new normal,” and that once I did, I enjoyed my time with the baby a lot more.

      Now I’m feeling like teaching teenagers and parenting a toddler are a good break from each other :)

      One thing I’ll say about pumping at work: it can be tough and it can be awkward. Hopefully you have a private, lockable space that you can regularly use (not a bathroom). For storage throughout the day, I just used the faculty fridge, which may not be totally kosher? So you might think about milk storage / keeping it cold / pumping logistics if that’s something you’ll be doing.

    7. Maya Elena*

      If you’re returning three months in you’re probably still a sleep-deprived hormonal basket case to some extent, so you kinda have to power through the anxiety.

      I ended up getting a nanny rather than daycare – more expensive on average – because if reservations about day care not gone into here. Maybe that is an option you can consider if your finances allow. If you can come back and know your babyis happy wherever you leave her, that makes it easier over time. Also, getting back into the groove of work makes it easier too.

    8. valentine*

      I love how much you love your baby. Think of it not as leaving them, but as the staff helping you care for them.

      1. Reba*

        Maybe it will help to consider from the kid perspective a bit. You aren’t abandoning him! My mom put all of us in daycare as infants. She told me that she cried and cried. But I LOVED daycare, even though I was then and am now a profound introvert! I still remember a lot of my caretakers by name. It was wonderful for me.

        Good luck as you head back to work, Katie the Fed!

    9. Gloucesterina*

      Katie the Fed, wishing you all well in this big transition! Having my little one going into daycare was valuable on s0 many levels I didn’t anticipate:
      – regular contact with an experienced caregiver gave us a lot of reassurance and confidence as parents over all the ups and downs of sleep, eating, tantrums etc. that come with a growing human
      – relationships that he builds with other kids (even back when he was teeny tiny and spend much of his time sleeping). This also underscores for us that he’s his own person with his own life and interests.
      – And this may not be relevant for you, but as two introverts who ended up with an extrovert kid, we really appreciate that he has others in his life who can meet his intensity and appreciate his energy in a lot of different ways!

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Thank you! I’ve been kind of thinking of daycare as something that’s a good enough thing, not something that can actually benefit him! So it’s good to think of it like this. He’s a really alert baby and I think he’ll really enjoy watching the other kids.

        1. Tea, please*

          I second all of Glouceterina’s comments. Have you had any time away from your baby to get comfortable with someone else caring for them? I had no problem with daycare when both kids started, but my husband cared for the kids for several weeks (#2)/months(#1) when I returned to work and before they started daycare.

          If it is possible at this point, return to work midweek as opposed to a Monday.

          Also, if you can meet other parents of kids attending your daycare, do it before you start. We met many people who sang the praises of our daycare and that helped tremendously.

          Good luck! You can only do so much, especially sleep deprived, so be kind to yourself as you transition back to work.

    10. Jen*

      You can do it! I bawled like a baby dropping my first off at daycare (she was 11 weeks). The daycares are used to it ;).

      If you have the option, I “worked up” to a full week back. First day at daycare was a Weds for just a few hours while I went home and did prep stuff (outfits, meal prep). I picked her up at noon. Thursday I went into the office for a half day, and Friday was a (short) full day. The next week I worked 3 days from home (baby in daycare full time, but no commute and no having to deal with a new crazy AM routine). The next week daddy did daycare pickup on the early side (4). Then week 3 we were doing the full 8:30-5:30 5x/week.

    11. PNW Flowers*

      Late to the party, but from a safety perspective, make sure to reiterate your safe sleep expectations with your care providers. It’s a stressful transition for everyone (not bad, but stressful bc its new!) for the baby and caregivers, so you don’t want your baby placed in an unsafe environment to sleep (their cars eat, the couch, crib with blankets, no melatonin or Benadryl to promote sleep, etc.) It sounds obvious (of course care providers know this!!- but no, not always), there is a bit of higher risk for infants when they first enter care (before their care providers know their cues, and the baby is used to their new normal). This is NOT to say day care is bad or anything like, but knowing you have covered safety concerns can help ease those fears. You will do great and baby will do great. There was recently a news story that talked about this, and it matched my anecdotal experience of first day of day care stories (ED RN here). I also agree with start midweek, and work up your hours. :)

  43. Gaia*

    I had a really bad week. Tuesday night I went out with a friend (Beth) and we met up with Beth’s friend Mary. We all had a great night and drank way more than we planned. At the end of the night Beth and I went home and Mary said she was going to stay and talk to the guy she had been chatting with. We parted ways and Mary promised to text when she got home.

    She didn’t text. She showed up the next morning and had clearly been assaulted. Mary didn’t remember anything. We talked to her and she agreed to report and the treatment center was wonderful and the police have been great. We had the phone number and a picture of the guy she was with and gave that to them.

    I can’t help but feel guilty. I left a very drunk woman alone with a man she didn’t know and she was brutally assaulted. I know, logically, it isn’t my fault but I just feel horrible.

    I also feel real fear. I’ve done exactly what she did in this same area and never felt in danger. I can’t help but feel like I won’t feel safe there anymore.

    I really don’t know what to think. I’m just a big bunch of emotions and I wasn’t even the one assaulted. I feel like a mess.

    1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I am so sorry, that’s so horrible. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can in terms of supporting Mary, and that’s huge. I know you know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else– it is 100% the fault of the guy who assaulted her. I hope you guys are okay.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Oh Gaia, how awful! That is so much to think about and I’m so sorry. Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to process it. Internet hugs/solidarity arm pats if you want them. :(

    3. Ruth (UK)*

      Oh that’s awful :( Please try not to feel guilty about this – the only person who has done anything wrong is the person who assaulted Mary. No one else. It’s so easy with hindsight to look back and say “I should/could have…” after the fact… but before it happened, you couldn’t have known. I hope Mary also doesn’t feel she has in any way brought this on herself. I hope Mary (and you, and Beth) can come out of this as ok as is possible given the situation.

      1. Gaia*

        Unfortunately Mary is feeling and expressing a great deal of guilt right now. Thankfully she is committed to seeing the counselor to help work through that.

        I’m really focusing on focusing on her feelings and experience because it feels kind of…I don’t know…gross? to talk about how I’m feeling when this happened to her and not me. I appreciate having this thread to express how complicated this feels.

      1. Gaia*

        Thank you. Logically I know that Mary is an adult and made what should have been a perfectly fine decision and she should have been safe. I know we can’t live in fear and we certainly can’t control the decisions of other grown women because of what a predator might do. But I still feel terrible.

    5. Not Alison*

      Please, please, please do NOT feel guilty. But do take this as a lesson to
      #1 – limit drinking to something less than being “buzzed”
      #2 – safety in numbers with your girlfriends (i.e. don’t stay with a guy who you don’t know when you are “buzzed” or more drunk)
      #3 – if your girlfriends suggest that you leave with them when you’ve had a bit too much to drink, then accept their counsel and leave with them.

      It wasn’t your fault that your friend stayed when you and your other friend left. Even if you had encouraged her to leave with you, she probably wanted to stay with this guy.

      Why, why, why is it that we women often feel like we need a man’s attention to complete us and that we will do stupid stuff to get that attention. {Please don’t get on my case as I don’t mean all women, just so very many women. And if you don’t believe me, just check out chumplady.com}

      1. ThatGirl*

        This comes off a bit victim-blamey, the only person whose behavior should need to change is the guy who assaulted Mary.

      2. Agnodike*

        Please, please, please rethink everything you’ve just said in this post. Women should be able to drink and still be safe from violence. Women should be able to be alone and still be safe from violence. Women should be able to enjoy positive attention, in whatever way feels good to them, and still be safe from violence. That Mary was assaulted is the fault of her assailant alone. Please don’t say these things to other women, even if you continue to believe them.

        1. Gaia*

          Thank you. This really rubbed me the wrong way. I feel bad enough for what happened to Mary but to have someone imply it was because we drank too much and enjoyed male attention is just salt in the wound.

          1. Agnodike*

            Sometimes terrible things happen, and it’s awful. To imply that the only solution to violence is to tell certain people, and only certain people, that they can’t enjoy the freedoms that the dominant group enjoys makes the terrible reality of living in a violent society more awful still.

            This wasn’t your fault, or Mary’s fault. This wasn’t anyone’s fault but your friend’s assailant. Drinking, enjoying positive attention, talking to strangers, making new friends, being alone in a bar are all perfectly normal and reasonable things to want and to do, and the expectation that you should be safe doing them is just as reasonable.

      3. Gaia*

        I really hope you reconsider these views. Even though I feel guilty as hell for what happened, I logically know we did nothing wrong. Drinking (even getting drunk) does NOT excuse what this man did. Being alone (and even alone and drunk) does NOT excuse what this man did. Mary not coming with us when we left does NOT excuse what this man did.

        And your last paragraph is gross. Enjoying the attention of your preferred sex does not inherently mean you need that sex’s “attention to feel complete.” We were having fun. We had no reason to suspect a fun night out would end so terribly.

        I look back at the pictures we took and they just make me sad. We were smiling, joking, laughing and then we were in a hospital talking to police and counselors.

      4. Courageous cat*

        Don’t agree with any of this and think people should indeed be on your case. This is classic victim blaming and it is not anyone’s responsibility to stay less drunk for this reason.

      1. Gaia*

        So do I. I’ve been very impressed with the police reaction and how seriously they are taking this especially because Mary is a POC, the man is white and this is in a city with very few POC and where she hasn’t had the best experience with police in the past.

    7. Casuan*

      This isn’t your fault, Gaia.
      Support Mary— which you & Beth are already doing— & use this for something good, which would be how you & your friends can support each other & stay safe in various situations.

      For now, just know that your survivor’s guilt (as it were) is unwarranted (albeit understandable) & continue to be there for Mary.

        1. Casuan*

          Gaia, also know that it’s so very okay to have the feelings you’re experiencing. You need to understand that you’re allowed to feel conflicted & emotional.
          Just because you didn’t experience the same as Mary doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t as valid. They are just as valid & they are happening to you.

          Let your feelings happen & give them a week or two to sort themselves out. If they don’t then you might want to get some counselling.
          *The caveat here is that if you want counselling now then don’t wait. You know yourself & how you process so go by that.

          If you want to talk with someone anonymously or need counsel on how to best help Mary, Beth, & yourself… there might be a hotline to call?

        2. Natalie*

          If you would like, you can call the RAINN hotline to talk to someone. They say explicitly on their website that loved ones as well as survivors can call. I’ll put a link in reply.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Know that you are not alone.
      As a teen, a friend left his date to finish her walk home alone. She said she would be fine, “see ya tomorrow”. It took them weeks to find her body.

      These are the stories that forever shape us. It’s forty years later. I know if I do not return my friend’s call in a reasonable, expected time frame my friend will appear at my front door. He’s not angry, just worried that is all. Allow it to shape you in good ways. Perhaps you become someone who notices things quicker than others. Perhaps you become that person who always has a little caring touch to add to a friendship. Let it wake up a part of you that has always been there but perhaps it has been snoozing instead of being active.

      Tell yourself affirmations:
      It’s okay to be a bunch of emotions. This is called sorting.
      It’s okay to be a mess, you are sorting.
      Emotions are not actions, they harm no one.
      Additionally grief is a bunch of emotions, it’s anger, it’s fear, it’s depression, it’s hyperness, in short it’s a big mish-mash of stuff. That is what grief looks like. Cry when you want to.
      Perhaps part of working through your grief would be to make a donation to a rape crisis center, or to knit your friend a lovely lap throw. If you chose, you can turn that grief into positive actions and that action can be whatever you chose.

      My sympathies to you and your friend.

    9. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I’m just…really sorry for both Mary and yourself. Please take care of yourself and provide whatever support to Mary you can.

      1) You’re absolutely right that it’s not your fault. It’s not even Mary’s fault. The responsibility is entirely on the guy who assaulted her. But…I think part of it is just human guilt, and a lot of it is that a lot of societies still blame women for getting raped – that there’s some magic code that will prevent sexual assault entirely. (Not sure if you’re American, but this is still a thing in the US – although I hope it’s changing now!) And…you know, I’m pretty sure there isn’t, otherwise we likely would have figured it out by now.

      2) I can totally understand why you’d be scared now, and don’t feel safe there.

      3) Your feelings are totally valid, even if you feel like they’re irrational. It’s okay to feel like a mess. I’m pretty sure there’s no book titled, “Dealing With Sexual Assault For Dummies.” Feel free to think whatever you want to think at least for the short term, and feel what you want to feel.

    10. sadAboutThis*

      I’m so sorry this happened to your friend. I hope they lock up the attacker and throw away the key.

      This wasn’t your fault or Mary’s fault – there are some really terrible people out there.

      I don’t know what the police are like in your area, but it sounds like they are taking this seriously, which is good. Can you talk to the police and ask about strategies that you and your friends can use so you don’t have to feel as scared? You shouldn’t need to do this – you should all be safe wherever you go, but the world has some bad people in it. I’m sure the police deal with this too much (any assaults are too much), and they may have some good advice.

  44. Katie the Fed*

    Another mom question –

    We want to travel somewhere internationally this fall (September). The baby will be around 9 months then, so eating some solids and possibly mobile but not too mobile. I’ll hopefully still be breastfeeding and possibly pumping some too (supply TBD). I haven’t yet mastered the art of public breastfeeding though.

    I know a trip at this point is more for us than him, which is fine. But what places would you recommend that are easy to bring a baby? We’re thinking maybe London, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, or Paris.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Not a parent, but I found Paris fairly difficult to get around compared to London. There are a lot more stairs, and a lot more places seem to be stairs-only there (which is presumably difficult if you’re planning on taking your kid out in a stroller). It’s also harder to find public restrooms in Paris than London, although apparently it’s not as hard as it used to be. (Just went to Paris for the first time this year, but I saw a lot of horror stories online of Parisian bathrooms 10-20 years ago.)

    2. Parenthetically*

      Are you planning on mostly carrying the baby using a backpack/soft structured carrier, or a stroller? London varies WILDLY regarding accessibility especially on public transport. Overground stations and some Underground stations are fairly accessible, the older outer train/Underground stations are REALLY REALLY NOT. I still saw people navigating with strollers — Londoners are great about just pitching in and helping a mum with a stroller down the steps in Elephant and Castle and then going on their way — but I would feel really stressed about it, I think.

      And do you have a good nursing cover? I don’t usually use one but I know lots of people love them! The times I have used them, I’ve really preferred the poncho style ones to the apron style — and I’d recommend “practicing” nursing with a cover at home before you do it in public (if you want to do it in public at all, that is)! My son gets confused about why he suddenly can’t look around and What’s this thing on my head? and Ooh! This is fun to pull on! and then before you know it he’s quit eating and is having loads of fun pulling on and chewing on the cover.

    3. only acting normal*

      Comparing Amsterdam, London and Paris (haven’t been to Copenhagen), I’d say Amsterdam is the only one I’d like to live in. All are expensive.
      London (especially) and Paris have bad air pollution, but Amsterdam (having a lot of canals instead of roads) doesn’t – although cannabis is legal so if you object to the smell of that it’s maybe not for you! It’s also more compact, London and Paris are pretty sprawling.
      And I’d imagine the London underground is fairly difficult with a stroller/push chair as there are many many stairs and escalators between different lines. London does have buses too, but I think Paris and Amsterdam have better above ground buses & trams respectively. Amsterdam is less hectic than Paris and London.
      As far as friendliness of the natives – Amsterdam every time! :D
      Hotels in central London have tiny rooms. The hotel we stayed in in Paris was vile (but we were on a budget back then). We stayed in a lovely B&B in Amsterdam 5 yrs ago, but I cannot find the details – it was in a nice area south of Vondelpark though.

    4. Jules the First*

      All four of those destinations will be fine with a wee kid; you could also consider southern Europe (Italy, Spain). Breast feeding in public will also be fine, cover or no cover.

      I do recommend that you consider a carrier rather than a stroller (or as well as) for additional options when you’re running around town – or one of the families I nannied for had a hip cushion that strapped around your waist and over one of your shoulders and was super handy for hoisting up a kiddo who was too tired to walk but not interested in the stroller.

    5. Book Lover*

      I actually found that age to be quite easy to travel with. Toddlers are harder, really. But a baby you can put in an Ergo isn’t so bad :). I would try to avoid strollers pretty much everywhere.

    7. Lilchickshan*

      We have travelled a bunch with small kiddos and actually just did Portugal with a 1 and 4 (the day we left) year old and it was fantastic. At 9 months, especially in Europe, a carrier is great, better than a stroller for 1 kid.

      Also recommend Airbnb or other home place vs hotel. Easier to have space to spread out if kid in bed earlier. Less worries if yelling baby. And kitchen.

      Also 9 months is the sweet spot, immobile, don’t really need to worry too much on food, etc. The just walking til like 3 is the tougher travel time.

    8. Jen*

      I’d recommend going slightly earlier if you can. At 9 months my first would have been great but my second was already so mobile that being in a carrier/stroller would have made her crazy. 6 months would be *ideal*.

      Also, just want to point out that you should make sure you have enough PTO. Sounds like you are Government so you might be fine but babies are sick A TON their first year in daycare and unless you have solid backup care, you and DH will burn through so, so much leave to accommodate illness. If you can WFH it lessens the burden since they still sleep a ton this young but I’d assume you each burn 2-3 days per month home with a too-sick-for-daycare baby.

  45. Char Elle*

    Please tell me if I have a leg to stand on.

    I bought a plane ticket on American Airlines for a direct flight departing on a Thursday. Two hours before the flight, AA emails me that my flight has been cancelled, then emails me that I have been rebooked for a flight departing on FRIDAY.

    I call the customer service number and explain to them that I had to get to my destination THURSDAY. The agent was very accommodating and searched all local airports (within 50 miles.) My three local airports absolutely do not have any openings for departing flights. He luckily finds a flight departing from an airport 75 miles away (AND the flight was direct, so I was ecstatic.) I agreed to that flight. I took an Uber to the airport 75 miles away, which cost $115.

    I had paid extra for a ‘preferred’ seat on my original flight. When I was rebooked, I was put in a normal seat.

    Can I ask AA to reimburse me the cost of the Uber and for the cost of the Uber? The flight was cancelled at no fault of my own.

    2. Char Elle*

      May I add that I live within a couple of miles of the original airport. If my original flight had not been cancelled, then I would have been able to be dropped off by a friend.

    4. Anon for this*

      You probably won’t get the Uber reimbursed, but you might have a chance at getting the seat upgrade fee reimbursed.

    5. Nacho*

      You can definitely ask. I do something very similar in my job, except with canceled hotel reservations instead of flights. We always cover reasonable transportation costs if the guest mentions them and sends us receipts.

      This is one of those situations where asking for a manager is completely appropriate if the agent you talk to wont agree. Any decent tier 2 agent should understand that this is just bad customer service and give you at least part of the cost of the uber back.

    6. Snargulfuss*

      They may not be able to reimburse you for the Uber but you could ask for an airline credit or voucher worth at least the cost (I’d ask for more than the cost of the ride since obviously an airline credit is not the same as cash.) I had a flight changed my once and the airline put us in a taxi and paid for us to be taken to the other airport; they should have done that for you, or booked you on a flight the same day with another airline.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      There is an Air Passenger Rights group on Facebook. It’s canada-based but they are very knowledgeable (and could point you in the right direction if they can’t help). Good luck!

    9. Sam Foster*

      Absolutely. Put everything in writing and mail it to them including an itemized list of what you expect to be reimbursed for.

    10. SophieChotek*

      You might be able to get reimubrsed for difference in comfort seats/preferred seat vs. normal seat. In theory I don’t think you can be reimubrsed for the Uber, but I (personally) think AA should offer you a voucher as a gesture of goodwill.

      I find Christopher Elliot’s website on travel issues such as this to be useful and informative. They have forums there also. I think it’s Elliot[dot]org

  46. Can't Sit Still*

    Last week, I whined about having to go dairy free. I’m adjusting slowly, because it is a big change, but I think it is going to be ok. I can have small amounts of hard cheese so far. I’ve found that I like coconut milk in my coffee, and pea milk is a close second. I’ve bought some cashew cheese, but haven’t tried it yet.

    However, what I didn’t realize is that all of dairy I was consuming was counteracting my missing gallbladder. Now that I’ve cut out most of the dairy, I need to learn how to live without a gallbladder all over again. It’s been 9 years since my gallbladder surgery, and I thought I knew all of the dangerous foods, but that has changed. So I’m losing weight rather rapidly at the moment. I’m thinking that I need to go super low-fat for a while, just until I figure everything out. So much fun!

    1. Just curious*

      What do you mean by “dangerous foods?” I had the gallbladder out and a year later, there is no difference from the way I used to eat before. (Would like to help but not sure what you’re talking about – how could dairy be “counteracting”?

      2. Kuododi*

        I’m confused as well. I still have my gallbladder but the people in my life who have had the thing removed ….(Dear Sister included) have all told me that their eating only changed in minor aggravating ways. (Both had to give up carrots and bell peppers). Otherwise no problem.

      3. NoMoreMrFixit*

        Some folks who get their gallbladder removed can no longer eat certain foods. I’ve got a relative who can no longer eat beef. They get terrible abdominal pains if they try. A close friend has a very sensitive gallbladder and had to cut out fried onions and spicy food. As soon as he did, no more attacks.

        Yet I’ve also heard of people who suffer no ill effects and go on eating and living as before with no problems.

      4. Can't Sit Still*

        Dangerous foods are the ones that can’t be eaten without a toilet in the immediate vicinity (many people have issues post-gallbladder removal, although lots of people don’t.) Dairy fat was slowing my digestion down substantially, even though it more typically speeds things up. So the dairy was having a protective effect on my digestion, post-gallbladder removal. I actually switched to full fat dairy afterwards, because low fat dairy had become a problem. It’s kind of obvious, in retrospect.

        I am keeping a food diary, because I think that’s the only way to figure out what’s causing the problem. It doesn’t seem to be fatty foods, which is annoying. That’s the easy answer! The only change I’ve made to my diet is removing dairy, because I wanted to avoid something like this.

      5. Starley*

        Man, I had no idea I was so unlucky. After two years of trying to figure out what I could and couldn’t eat, until I landed on low fat and mostly vegan (I do eat honey as I love it and it doesn’t give me problems). I thought digestive issues were common but apparently not. :(

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        Treeline Cracked Pepper cashew cheese wasn’t bad, although it was pretty sour. Not sure what happens when it’s heated, though.

    3. Close Bracket*

      Just FYI, coconut milk is terrible for you, contrary to recent coverage in the media. All the news that coconut fat is the saturated super-health-fat was based on a scientific study using specially tailored coconut milk that contained only some of the kinds of fats found in coconut milk. Those particular fats are in fact very good for you, but they form only a fraction of the fats found in typical coconut milk.

  47. oranges & lemons*

    I’m not sure if this is too work-like, but it’s a hobby for me, so I’ll try it here. Does anyone with experience selling at craft fairs have advice to offer? I’ve tried it once before and had a lot of fun so I’d like to try again. For some background, I’m thinking of selling amigurumi characters that can stand on their own as collectibles or a string can be added so they can be hung or used as keychains. Some things I’m wondering about in particular:
    -Any suggestions for cheap level ideas? I had some challenges with the booth layout the first time but I don’t want to pay too much.
    -Price point–this is one of the big ones for me. Since the only local fairs I can afford are pretty general, I can’t imagine anyone would pay too much for more elaborate, niche amigurumi, which is why I’m keeping mine smaller and cheaper. Any comments on this strategy?
    -Suggestions for booth placement and design strategies?
    -Other tips for drawing people to the booth/getting them to engage? I tried offering free cookies last time but everyone just ate the cookies and ignored me.
    -I already have a square, which worked well last time, although most people wanted to pay cash.

    1. Dagnabbit*

      I love making amigurumi! No tips, but I’ve always wanted to sell at a craft fair. Keep on keeping on.

      1. oranges & lemons*

        You should give it a try if you have a local craft fair that isn’t too expensive to enter! I’ve been thinking of doing this for a while and it wasn’t too hard to build up enough stock since I focused on smaller, easier things. The one thing that has really surprised me is how much it costs to rent a table at some of the fairs, particularly the more niche ones. I can’t imagine being confident in my ability to afford a $500 fee and still turn a modest profit.

    2. Kj*

      Price point wise, have a variety. I sold jewelry at art shows for years and I did well in part because I had $200 necklaces to draw the eye, but also $15 earrings. The nicer pieces are going to get you attention.

      For leveling, look at IKEA. They have a number of items that would display small items. Cake platters and lazy susans can work.

      Don’t bother with food- just be friendly and ask if folks have questions.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Ive never sold, but been to many craft fairs. Most booths show high end fancier stuff and a larger selection of the low priced small versions. I think it’s both to draw people in and also showcase your talents. If you have larger, more detailed amigurumi to display, you could think of them as your booth mascots.

        Maybe check Etsy for comparable pricing?

    3. Tris Prior*

      – These are awesome for creating levels; you can arrange them however you like, they set up and break down easily, and it’s easy to either set stuff on them or hang stuff on them: https://www.target.com/p/whitmor-6-cube-wire-storage-shelves-black/-/A-52273393 I have a friend who sells art and she makes literally a big wall out of them, which she then clips her art to.

      – I sell jewelry at craft fairs. I focus mainly on earrings and simple pendants on chains, but also have a few bigger “wow” pieces for people to admire, to impress them with my skill, haha. They rarely sell due to price, but every now and then I do unload one. People admire the big piece and then buy something more affordable, typically. I would say you are on target in focusing on smaller cheaper items, especially if you’re doing smaller shows in lower-income areas.

      – ALWAYS have a way to take cards. Sounds like you’ve got that covered, but in my experience, people paying with cash is not the norm. So always bring your Square!

      – Yeah, don’t give out free food; people will do exactly what they did to you last time (also: crumbs and mess!) Height on your display will help draw people in – if they can see what you’re selling from a distance, that seems to help. As far as engaging with people – usually I just say a friendly “hi, how’s it going?” and if they seem super interested in my stuff (picking it up, trying it on) then I’ll tell them a little about how the piece was made or what it’s made of or whatever. I don’t have a “spiel” that I give to everyone who walks in, because that feels pushy and I HATE it when people at shows or at stores do that to me as a shopper. Some people are just plain not going to want to talk to you no matter what you do, and that’s OK and not your fault. Sometimes the response I get to my friendly “hi!” is “no thank you” or “Just looking” or a death stare. Um, OK, all I said was hi?

      – You didn’t ask this, but piggybacking on my last comment: It helps to have a thick skin. People will come up to you in your booth and say all sorts of ridiculous stuff. I’ve been doing this for a while – at first I’d get really upset, but now I just laugh and add it to my list of “sh!t people say to me in my booth.” No, really, I have a list. I post the especially over-the-top comments on Facebook (personal Facebook, and friends-only so customers don’t see it) so my friends can laugh with me. I don’t say that to scare you, but just to let you know that you will encounter ALL kinds of people at shows and 99 percent of the time, there’s nothing you can do about it, just roll with it and have a good laugh later.

      1. oranges & lemons*

        Thanks for the tips! I have already experienced the joy of unsolicited criticism and other weirdness from strangers. I’ve done enough customer service work before that this doesn’t bother me–also, I was sharing a table with a friend last time, so we just laughed about it after. I think I still need to find the sweet spot of engaging people without scaring them away, though. I know some people like to browse in silence so I don’t want to bother them.

        The tip to draw people’s attention with showier items is a great one, and something I hadn’t thought of! I will have fun making those–I generally enjoy working on the more elaborate pieces more, but I know it’s the rare person who will pay $200 for a giant customized My Little Pony amigurumi. The height idea is also very helpful! I’m thinking of trying for a wall-backed table this time so it will be easier to build up.

    4. Earthwalker*

      No advice, just solidarity. I’m new to this too, and trying my luck for the first time selling hand felting at a laid back small town craft fair. Thanks for posting and gathering ideas I can use too!

    5. the gold digger*

      smaller and cheaper

      I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Chile, where I worked with a group of women who wove and sold their traditional blankets and rugs. These products were big – large enough to cover a full-sized bed, heavy, and expensive. But their target market was tourists, who didn’t have an easy way to carry big, heavy items and who also did not want to spend $400 on a blanket.

      I suggested they start making placemats. The women didn’t like making them that much because the revenue was so much less, but the margins on the placemats were much, much higher than on the rugs and blankets and we sold a lot more of them.

      So yes – lower price point, easy to carry in one hand or in a bag or purse, and useful.

      Also – you mentioned being able to add a string – sell some with the string, keychain, or Christmas tree loop already attached so buyers can see a complete product on which they have to do no work.

  48. Red*

    So my cat just attacked my husband for doing her the dubious favor of trying to get her out from underneath a parked minivan. She ran underneath it, and my husband – who has a heart bigger than his brain – went after her. His hands and forearms got MAULED, and badly. We had to take him to urgent care and he’s now bandaged ten ways to Sunday and on antibiotics for 10 days. Yikes.

    Oh, and I have the flu. Happy freaking Saturday. Thank you all for being patient with my pity party.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I once got my hand bitten/scratched fairly badly keeping my cat from strangling herself in the window blinds cord. Frightened animals do what they do, alas. Your poor hubby has all my sympathy; I hope he can take comfort in the fact that he did a good deed. The flu is a good reason for a pity party, too — be gentle with yourself, I hope you feel better soon!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Sending you and your hubby virtual water spritzers. I keep them around the house. Sometimes I get attitude and I just won’t deal for whatever reason. I grab a spritzer and the attitude vanishes miraculously. I could just see me ending up in the ER, this would so happen without spritzers.

    4. Anona*

      That’s horrid! I hope he recovers well and quickly. Maybe a broom would help next time? Cuz that sounds so lame :/

  49. The Curator*

    RE: Japan trip. Most everything is in place. Since it is the weekend, I want to do the Work/Life balance thing. We are taking three days and two nights smack dab in the middle of the trip to do a trip to an Onsen.

    A little anxious about scheduling too much.

    Thank you everyone for their help. I found a baglini computer/handbag that fits my computer and feels professional
    Will be laying out my clothes tomorrow.
    Anyone have information about shipping my luggage to the next destination instead of lugging it on the subway? It will be all within Tokyo.
    Packing help please.
    I am packing Eileen Fisher black and grey skirts and jersey tops with colorful scarves. Leggings, short socks, either Birkenstocks, short boots, or all birds. Traveling 15 days. One pair of knit pants. That is fine, yes?

    1. matcha123*

      Hmm…If you have the address of the place you will be staying, you could go to a 7-11 (or Lawson or Family Mart) and mail your luggage. If you do it early in the morning, it could get to your destination the next day or even that night. I did that when I was moving from one side of Japan to the other. You can also get your luggage sent ahead to the airport by mailing it at the convenience store. However, this all depends on your Japanese ability and the English ability of the staff…

      1. The Curator*

        Thank you matcha123,
        I was hoping that our luggage could be picked up at one hotel on Friday and Arrive at the next hotel on Monday.
        We will be traveling out of Tokyo to Atami and will take overnight bags with us.
        Is there a service that would do that? Would the hotel be able to help.
        Our first stay is in the Ginza district.
        Although everyone says to take the subway from Haneda airport, I think I am going to cave and get a cab to my hotel after the 14 hour flight. Is this unspeakably indulgent? I am from NYC and just looking at the Tokyo subway map make my heart beat fast.

    2. Reba*

      Re: overscheduling worry. I feel you on this one! What helps me is to make the plan of what ideally I would fit in, then rank the things (literally look at my schedule and write 1, 2, 3), so that when the time comes and we cannot bend space and time to make it all work, the decision of how to cut activities is already more or less done and I’m on my way to accepting it :)

      list looks good to me. You have a cardigan or light jacket?

      Hope you have a fabulous time!

  50. Lady Jay*

    Another entry in the weirdness of online dating:

    I’ve been chatting back and forth with a guy this week, and while he’s nice enough (encouraging, etc), he’ll randomly come out with these bits of information that make me feel like I’m reading his resume:
    “I have enough money saved to buy a house in cash.”
    “I am related to a famous poet.”

    So, add to this the weirdness of the guy who made his profile pic a bowl of guac, the guy whose profile pic only showed the top half of his forehead, and the guy who felt the need to tell me, three separate times on a Skype date, how beautiful I was. :P

    Why is online dating so weird?

    1. Kj*

      Because it is a WIDE cross section of humanity and humanity is strange? That is my going theory at least. I met my now husband online, so I had success, but I know the slog of online dating can be rough. Good luck!

    2. Can't Sit Still*

      It’s cold comfort, but voice mail dating and introductions by snail mail were also really weird, except it took longer to know for sure, especially by mail. Humanity is a rich tapestry! (I think I’m stealing that from Daniel Ortberg?)

    3. Jemima Bond*

      Oh the stories I could tell about internet dating! Indeed, I did; I had a blog.
      But I’ll confine it to this. Right now the seventeenth man I dated in phase two of my adventure is in the kitchen making me boiled eggs and soldiers for a late breakfast (the clocks just went back in the uk). We’ve been together over five years now. Don’t be downhearted; keep at it – there are good ones out there!

    4. Reba*

      I dunno, a bowl of guac sounds pretty appealing… Oh, it was a guy, not actually a date with a delicious dip? Huh.

    5. Clever Name*

      I’ve had 2 separate men tell me how much they have in savings. My first reaction is always to wonder why they’re telling me. how do you even respond to that? Shake their hand at their success at adulting?

  51. Lady Parts (because why not?)*

    TMI: I was Anon for Today -two weeks ago.
    Biopsy was negative. Yea! Still super uncomfortable. Cold Gel Packs are my friend. Husband very supportive and kind.
    Trying steroids and its a wait and see situation.
    Here is some exciting news. Had abdominal new pain. Was worried. Dr. took me right away. Shingles.
    Everyone. Go get the shot. Don’t be me.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t get it yet–not old enough.
      I’ll probably need it though, since I had an extremely intense case of chickenpox at nine. Right before Christmas, too! :\

      1. Enough*

        The level of chicken pox isn’t really an issue. My son at 5 had the mildest case I had ever seen. Like could have counted the spots light. He was diagnosed with shingles at 24. Fortunately hasn’t had it again.

      2. Book Lover*

        Shingrix is out now and approved for age 50 and up :). Seems much more effective than the old zostavax but it is two shots instead of one.

        1. fposte*

          I got Zostavax a few years ago when I turned 50 (and my insurance covered it); I will probably go for Shingrix in a few years because it’s better and lasts longer.

    2. fposte*

      BTW, forgot to say congratulations on the clear biopsy. If what’s being talked about is lichen sclerosus, I can share info if you like.

      1. Lady Parts (because why not?)*

        fposte.
        Yes and no. I think I need clearer information from the gyn. She is referring to dermatology. Again. Trying to stay off the internet. Doctors didn’t recommend the vaccine before Shingrix because of the success rate. Getting the Shingrix when this round clears up. Stress is a trigger- duh.

        1. fposte*

          I will generally say that the juggle back and forth between gyn and derm is familiar to me, and I eventually had to leave my area (I don’t live in a big city) to go to a gyno in a major national health center before I got decent treatment. I now go to a specialized clinic in a different city; the google search “vulvar dermatologist near me” might be worth a try for you.

          1. Lady Parts (because why not)*

            I am in a major midwest city with excellent health resources. I will see if there is one nearby. Vulva. see getting the hang of it.

    3. Anon for health stuff*

      Glad to hear about the negative biopsy! If you want any tips on dealing with shingles, let me know – I had it a few years ago.

  52. Elizabeth West*

    Ahhhhh
    Just got back from the writing meetup. My beta reader, the organizer, IS LEAVING. :”'( But she will still beta for me (and me for her). Everyone gets to leave this stupid place except me! :P

    I presented my new chapter and we discussed the changes I’ve made, and she was really impressed. She said the new chapter (I wrote most of it yesterday and was up really late finishing, haha) was PERFECT and it blew her away how well I’d been able to restructure and revise. I feel like I fixed the issue with the villain that the agent pointed out. I finally think I may have a real shot with this thing.

    I feel so confident and competent; I could wrestle a lion. :D

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Yes, between this and a professional edit from someone I met here (Liz!) that really helped me make my protagonist more likeable, I’m actually happy about it again.

  53. Notthemomma*

    Was in the way out of town this am with hubby and #2 son and got into an accident an hour and half away. Blowing snow and a car hit a plow, we hit car. No one hurt and the trooper who witnessed it said we are not at fault, and no way we could have avoided impact. but the other car who was is in licensed and uninsured. We opted kit to have rental car reimbursement so I’m without a vehicle and will have to look for a new vehicle.
    Today kinda blows. We are all safe, unhurt, and fine- except for the mental ‘what if’s’

    4. SophieChotek*

      Oh no sorry to hear that. I am glad you’re okay but still that must have been nerve-wracking few seconds….

  54. LAM*

    For those who meal prep lunches, what are you cooking this week?

    I feel like I’m in a rut when it comes to meals to bring to work. Salads aren’t doing it for me lately, so I’ve been trying to bring easy to prepare in mass food to heat up. Roasted chicken and sweet potatoes or a pasta/tomato sauce/sausage combo are my normal go-tos, but I’m burned out on then. I’ve been doing an Asian style chicken and rice with veggies, but that’s been boring me lately. This week I’m doing chicken and pasta two ways to mix it up, but it’s more or less a combination of the other two (Asian style chicken, noodles and carrots. BBQ chicken, sweet potatoes and garlic noodles). So I may have another week of that before I’m over that too.

    I hate to cook, so the less time spent in the kitchen the better. I also try to keep costs down and have it be healthy-ish at least.

    I’m running out of ideas! And Pinterest is just overwhelming sometimes.

    1. The New Wanderer*

      Do you like curry? When I wanted leftovers for work, I would make a big pot of lentil, wild rice, and quinoa curry. Very tasty, reheats really well.
      I do a lot of one pot pastas and heavy soups or stews and just vary the ingredients a little for variety. Chicken vs tofu, potatoes vs rice vs noodles, whatever vegetables are on hand, different seasonings. The cooking effort is about the same with different enough results to feel like it’s a new meal.

      1. LAM*

        I wish I liked curry, as there are so many recipes out there that people say they’re great as leftovers.

    3. Red Reader*

      My husband’s last couple of batch meals for his work lunches have been (pork tenderloin with rice and beans) and (loaded mashed potatoes and bratwurst), if that helps any. He got an Anova sous vide cooker for a wedding present and he usually sous-vides as much of his meal stuff on Sundays as he can, then portions it up for the week.

      1. LAM*

        The loaded mash potatoes and bratwurst actual sounds really good and is completely different from what I’ve made before.

        1. Red Reader*

          Technically speaking, he clarifies, his was colcannon held over from St Pats, but colcannon is to me just a variety of loaded mash, haha. :)

          How do you feel about cold meals? Chicken salad with a roll or croissant, maybe some veg or fruit and a yoghurt? A lot of deli pasta salads are easily bulked up with the addition of some shredded chicken or chopped ham, or maybe salad shrimp. I have a really good recipe for a shrimp pasta salad that’s based on the flavor profile of Bonefish Grill’s bang-bang shrimp, if you’re at all familiar — and if not, it’s shrimp in a creamy spicy sauce, spice level adjustable. (And if you don’t like shrimp, it’s also really good with chicken.) Very adjustable by quantity too.

          Since I mentioned it I might as well drop it — for the bang-bang shrimp pasta salad, I do a half cup each of sour cream and mayo, whisked together until smooth, add a spoonful (or three) of minced garlic and a couple tbsp of lemon juice and (here’s the key) 1/3 cup of Thai sweet chili sauce and a shake or two of red pepper flakes (adjusted up or down to taste). Add that to a cooked one-pound box of bowtie pasta, a handful of thawed frozen peas or chopped broccoli (or whatever other veg sounds good to you), and a handful of thawed frozen salad shrimp (or shredded chicken) and toss it all together until coated. It’s actually good either hot or cold, though I tend to eat it cold because of the sour cream and mayo based sauce.

        2. Red Reader*

          And after all that, I scroll back and see that you were tired of salads, hah. Sorry! :)

    4. Nacho*

      I had chicken and rice in a store bought simmer sauce the last two weeks, so this week I’m thinking pasta and ground beef .

      Those simmer sauces are god’s gift to lazy cooks though. I fucking love those things.

      1. Overeducated*

        I was too snobby to buy them for almost a decade. Then last month I did…it was delicious.

    5. Ali G*

      Today I just made a bunch of tuna salad for my husband. It’s so easy and healthy – get a few large cans of tuna, drain and dump in a bowl. Add some minced shallot, halved grape tomatoes and some shredded baby spinach. Season with s&p (go easy on the salt because the tuna is salty), add a good amount of red wine vinegar and a bit of olive oil. Mix.
      If you want, you can pack some crackers and olives to eat along with it, or do as hubs does – and just eat as much as you want straight from the container.

    6. Loopy*

      I’m obsessed with making a big batch of pearled cous cous (comes in a box with flavoring packet for the super lazy like me), and mixing in a big batch of roasted zucchini, tomatoes, paprika covered chick peas and then feta. Sprinkle in salt, pepper, and lemon for flavoring. Super easy to portion out into tupperware for a few days ahead and keeps pretty well. Must adore pearled cous cous though!

    7. Briefly Anon*

      Last week, I had a simplified, more stew-like version of the pozole verde (Mexican chicken-tomatillo-hominy soup). This week, since I still have a lot of cilantro and lime left over, I’ll either do a black bean and corn salad with cilantro-lime dressing over brown rice, or stir-fried tofu and vegetables over rice noodles with a ginger-cilantro-lime dressing. Or maybe a red curry paste/coconut sauce. We’ll see.

      Since Passover is coming up, that week I’ll probably have what I refer to as a “Farmer’s Lunch” and I have no idea why I call it that, but basically hard boiled eggs, matzah (would be crackers, usually), some sliced cheddar, an apple or some grapes, and something like cucumber spears or baby carrots.

    8. Agnodike*

      My favourite lunch is a ploughman’s plate – boiled egg, cheese, bread, maybe some ham or other cold meat, pickles. It feels very luxurious to me to have lots of little bits. Along the same lines, I often do antipasti (salami, cheese, olives, roasted peppers and zucchini, tomatoes, artichoke hearts sometimes) or a charcuterie plate with crudités. I like fancy lunches.

      Spouse has salad every day (made by me) but likes them on the hearty side, so I’ll often do rice/wild rice/chickpeas with roasted veggies and feta, or lentils with boiled egg and roasted veggies, or some other combo of grain/legume/cheese or egg and veg rather than a standard lettuce-based salad.

    9. fposte*

      I did Chrissy Teigen’s recipe for Jok Moo–Thai Pork and Rice Porridge–this week and it was freaking amazing and really easy. I’ll post a link to the recipe below. I didn’t do the fried garlic part because I wasn’t feeling like frying, and it was still delicious.

      It really was a change from my usual suspects, so that in itself was really enjoyable.

    10. Overeducated*

      I don’t usually cook separate lunches, I like dinner leftovers…but that said, for lunches specifically I’m excited to have two different bagged salads for this week ($2.50 each at the grocery store), I usually have peanut butter and jelly once a week or so to fill gaps, and I’ve recently discovered refried bean tacos as a super cheap, quick work lunch. For leftovers, I like bean dishes (this week it’s pizza beans), stir fries, and soups (next up is carrot, pepper, and couscous).

    11. FD*

      I’m trying out some fried ‘rice’ that’s made with quinoa, along with some French onion soup I’ve made before.

    12. Anona*

      Ooh! Budget bytes has a great lunch meal prep series. She publishes this most Sundays. I’ll link to a super tasty one.

    13. MsChanandlerBong*

      This week I’m doing mini meatloaves. I use my usual meatloaf recipe, but instead of baking it in a loaf pan and slicing it, I use my large biscuit cutter to shape the meat mixture into patties of uniform shape and size. Then my husband can have one or two patties each day, along with some baby carrots and nuts or seeds. Last week I did fajita bowls: chicken cut into one-inch pieces, bell pepper strips, and onions, all tossed with olive oil and taco seasoning (I make my own, but you can just buy a packet at the store) and cooked in the oven. To make the bowls, I cook a big batch of brown rice and put 1/2 cup of rice in each container. Then I add even amounts of chicken, onion, and peppers. I’m trying a new recipe for sticky ginger soy glazed garlic chicken this week. If we like it, I will make a batch of that for my husband’s lunches. I like to rotate through different things so he doesn’t get sick of eating the same thing all the time.

  55. Lissa*

    Just another grouch about division of labour at home. So, my partner is awesome about doing stuff around the house – when I ask. Our work schedules vary a lot so when I’m working more I text him with a couple things to do each day and he does them. When we both have a day off and we do chores together he always works hard and is good at getting things organized, which is good because I’m really bad at it.

    But. “When I ask” is my grump here. I really genuinely feel that if I never said anything, he would never do anything until there were no clean dishes, no clean laundry, and he’d eat frozen meals every night (he’s actually a pretty good cook and if I ask for something he’s happy to make it.) I know this is WAY better than many women with their male partners, but OMG sometimes it’s really annoying. If I don’t text him for whatever reason or I’m not there, he always forgets/doesn’t think about it. If I don’t suggest having a Sunday clean/organize, he never ever will.

    The thing is, I suck at cleaning too. I hate it, it’s really annoying, and literally the only reason I ever do any of it is because I don’t want to live in a place full of bugs and overflowing with junk – when I was younger had some bad housekeeping issues, we’ll leave it at that. But I am NOT a natural at this, but feel like I have to do all the “thinking” and “planning” or nothing will ever get done. It’s kind of a grind. Even though it’s not the biggest deal it’s annoying. Anyway there’s my petty whine for the week.

    1. Red Reader*

      I hear you. I have a houseful of adults who will (usually) do chores when I ask them to, but yeah, the youngest is 28 and I shouldn’t have to ask them all the time and it’s crazymaking.

      I know it feels juvenile, but sit down together and make a chore chart? Either your-chores-mine-and-ours, or with varying work schedules, split up by day? “Do yesterday’s dishes” ends up on every day, but laundry maybe only once or twice a week, and whatever else you need, and that way, the reminder of what needs to get done is there for him but it’s not on you to chase him around for it.

      Disclaimer: I tried the chore chart for a while. In my case, it never worked, I just ended up with verifiable proof that I did three times as much around our house as the other three people put together and they all went “Yeah, we need to do better” and never did. Finally in frustration, I yelled at them all that would they rather just pay someone to come do the majority of the chores and that way I could stop yelling at them? And they all said immediately “YES PLEASE WE WILL PAY FOR THAT.” So now we have a lovely lady who comes in every other week and does most of the cleaning and my stress levels reduced massively. So that might be worth considering too, at least for some of the chores.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      It’s tough to feel like you always have to be the one organizing and in charge. A lot of cleaning tasks recur from week to week, so could you set up a schedule? Every Saturday do these things, every Monday those, and every third Sunday a major clean and organize, or something like that. Then you only have to think once, when you set up the schedule. Agree on a night that is always his to make dinner (that’s what I did with my ex, though he was excused in the case of a snow event because I’d rather have him shoveling. He’s huge and doesn’t have bad shoulders, both unlike me).

      1. Reba*

        Depressingly yet perhaps in a galvanizing way, Pat Mainardi’s well-known, fifty-year-old consciousness-raising essay “The politics of housework” brings up really similar points.

        It’s so scathing: “most men are too hip to turn you down flat.”

        caringlabor.wordpress.com/2010/09/11/pat-mainardi-the-politics-of-housework/

      2. Natalie*

        I can’t remember what letter it was, but there was someone in the comments there who described how organizing and delegating was one of their chores – that is, their family took it into account when determining a fair divide.

        Sometimes someone does need to be the executive. But if that’s the case in your family, both you and your spouse should view it as a chore like any other and adjust accordingly.

    4. Not That Jane*

      This is sooooo not just a petty whine. I read this Metafilter thread on emotional labor a few years ago and it was life-changing. Basically, think of it this way: the actual physical work of doing chores in your house sounds like it’s reasonably shared. But, the mental work (And it IS work) of noticing / remembering / planning to clean is 100% on you right now. And that sucks. And it’s OK for you to not want to do that all alone.

      I have literally talked to my husband about this before. It has definitely helped in terms of him understanding the issue, and it has somewhat improved our actual “ownership” of the mental work.

    5. LadyKelvin*

      Welcome to my world. My husband is happy to help but he doesn’t notice things that need done. So when I explained to him that if I had to ask him to do something I might as well just do it myself, and I needed him to just do it without me having to think about it. So we have chores (HE has chores). He does all the laundry and sweeps the floor every weekend. I clean the bathrooms. Everything else we kinda just split, its mostly kitchen stuff and we cook/clean up together or one of us cooks and the other cleans. It has worked for us, but it did take me saying “look, reminding you to do things is not any easier than just doing them myself. I need you to take responsibility for somethings so that I can stop thinking about them. I have too many other things to worry about.”

    6. oranges & lemons*

      This isn’t petty, it’s incredibly frustrating. Have you talked to him about the larger pattern here? Obviously he is basically on the same page with you about how the things need to be done, since he does them well and without complaint. But he’s basically decided (probably not consciously) to offload the responsibility of planning/thinking about them to you. Any way you could work out certain areas that he’s ultimately responsible for and has to remind you to do? Obviously it’s really annoying that you should have to lay it out like this for him, but it may save frustration in the long run. (And my apologies if this is a really obvious solution that hasn’t worked out for whatever reason–it just seems to me that if he doesn’t mind doing the chores, it shouldn’t be too much more of a stretch to take responsibility for them as well.)

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I haven’t got this all figured out either but you could try putting him in charge of a certain “area” and then he has to figure it out.

      Like, laundry is always his so he has to monitor/plan/do all the tasks that laundry involve. Or dishes. Or whatever.

    8. Gingerblue*

      Remembering to do the chore is part of the chore! You’re definitely not being petty—the grown man who isn’t holding up his end is.

    9. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      I am not good at seeing what needs to be done or remembering either, but I am improving at it! Full disclosure, I don’t really believe emotional labor is a huge thing outside of service jobs or performing where you have to pretend to be happy. (Don’t know, maybe I’m just sour on the concept of it from times where I have had to perform nearly all physical labor- whereas you can think or plan while sitting down or watching TV or playing computer games). But, I do recognize that remembering and reminding someone takes effort.

      I’m a routine type of person, so what I do is do certain chores on certain days or times and rely on visual cues. Is it Sunday? Then I vacuum. Is it bedtime? I refill the humidifier. Friday? Laundry. Dishwasher “clean” light on? Empty it. I still am reminded once in a while, or when asked to do things I don’t normally do, but I’m much better now. If it’s in my routine, no reminding needed.

      1. Reba*

        Rather than emotional labor, I like the term “mental load” to describe the intellectual work of household management. Deciding, remembering to pick up this or that, keeping maintenance schedules in mind, meal planning, keeping pantry stocked…. Does that work better for you?

    11. Overeducated*

      I think unfortunately this is not uncommon, and I don’t have any great solutions. The only thing I can add to things others have said is that sometimes I have to remind myself to actively notice how much my spouse DOES do without being asked. I think it is very easy and common to overestimate how much we do individually so that if you ask both people, the total comes out to 150%, and it helps me stay happier when I try to remember that. Not denying the problem, it is so annoying, just something that *personally helps me* find balance after getting frustrated.

    12. Clever Name*

      I’m raising a son, and I’ll be damned if he lets his significant other do all the thinking about housework. How can I train him now to consider thinking about chores as part of the chore?

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Model it. If you’re in a het relationship, have the father-type actually think of the chores. Kids listen more to what you do than what you say.

      2. Close Bracket*

        Train him the same way you would train him to do anything else – actually show him how it’s done and start giving him responsibilities so he can practice.

  56. Ice Bear*

    Do you ever feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you? All my life people have interrupted me when I’ve been in the middle of speaking. When it happened last week at my own home, in which I was hosting a get together, it really hurt my feelings.

    I was telling a story to one friend, while three others having were a conversation across the table. This friend clearly wasn’t even paying attenion to me (something I’m usually pretty good at picking up on, but I guess not this time) because mid-sentence she started yelling in response to something that was said in the other conversation. She seemed to not notice or care that I was still speaking and kept talking over me to the other people. I was so shocked and hurt that I had to walk away to stop myself from cying.

    Unfortunately, it’s not just friends who do this (save for a handful who are actually good listeners). My husband has witnessed my own family doing it, and when I’ve called them out on it they’ll say “I thought you were done” even when I was mid-sentence. Clearly I wasn’t done speaking – they were just done listening. The thing is, I’m not a rambler. I’ve observed groups of people speaking before and other people can go on and on and no one interrupts them but if I say something they can’t be bothered to listen to a sentence or two. So it must be me, right? Or am I not assertive enough because I stop talking when they start instead of continuing on and raising my voice?

    The funny thing is I’ve had people in the past ask me why I’m so quiet and it makes me want to scream. I just can’t win. For the most part I sit back and observe because it’s really a blow to my self esteem when this happens so I’ve stopped even trying. I feel stupid. I should have known what would happen since this person tends to be the one to dominate most conversations. I just got excited that she was actually (at least initially) listening to me for once.

    Also, do I say something to my friend since it’s still bothering me a week later? I didn’t say anything in the moment because I was too upset and I’m also not one to make a scene, but I’m getting realy tired of being verbally walked all over. I actually have some interesting things to contribute to the conversation once in awhile if people would just let me.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Oh boy. This is me, too. I’m always being interrupted and it drives me absolutely nuts. I feel as though I don’t talk fast enough for people, or that I’m rambling, or I’m boring them. Granted, there are definitely times when it takes me awhile to tell a story. Mainly because I have a hard time editing my thoughts before they come out of my mouth, so I end up adding a lot of detail that probably doesn’t need to be there. But that’s not true in all cases of interruption.

      My husband’s family is absolutely terrible with interrupting people. They’ll ask me a question, I’ll start answering, and then they’ll ask another one or start talking about something else entirely. I’ve concluded that it’s them, not me. Rude, yes, but that’s the way they are.

      My sisters are the same way, but with them it seems to be curiosity, or making sure I explored every possibility/asked every question, etc. (I’m the youngest.) With them I stop and tell them, “If you let me finish the story, all of your questions will be answered!” They laugh and apologize. I actually call them “the interrogators” and often ask if they want to sit me in a chair with a spotlight and a tape recorder. And I do think it’s impatience with them sometimes, because they are all much older than me, are mothers, and have busy lives, so they just want the gist of something in the first pass, not the whole saga.

      And like you, I see all these people around me who just. won’t. stop. talking. But no one ever interrupts them. I don’t get it. Except in the two exceptions noted above, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have nothing interesting to say. (I know that’s probably not true, but it sure feels that way.) As a result, I tend to be quiet most of the time.

      So, I totally feel your pain and frustration. I don’t have much advice, just commiseration. But honestly, I’d say something to your friend. I’d be hurt, too. It’s happened to me many times, where I’m telling someone a story or talking in general, and their attention is clearly not with me. I find it to be rude and hurtful.

    2. Lissa*

      I have a few thoughts but not sure if they will be helpful or what you want, so I just want to say right off that you are not wrong to be annoyed, that is super annoying! And I’m sure some people will say “those people are just jerks” and that may be true in some cases, but I am one where, if a bunch of people seem to be treating me, and only me, in a certain way, I figure either I’m hanging out with a bunch of jerks, it’s random coincidence, or there’s something about my behaviour that is encouraging others to interrupt you.

      I guess what I mean is, if it IS you, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It could well be something about your speaking style that either lends people to think you’re done when you aren’t, or an attitude that lets conversation-hogs think it’s easy to overrun you. I highly doubt it has a thing to do with how interesting what you’re saying is – I constantly see people get away with rambling about the most inane things and they don’t necessarily get interrupted a lot.

      Are the people who do this usually inconsiderate in other ways? It sounds like it’s a cross section of people – if it was just your family I’d think that maybe you had gotten into a dynamic with them where they run over what you’re saying, and that could still be true to an extent – you learned patterns of speaking/acting from home and carry those into other aspects of your life.

      I also find that people have *really* different ideas of how OK interrupting is. A couple years ago I had a friend who had the same complaint as you – he said he felt he was always being talked over, more than other people. I observed this for awhile to see if I could help out, and what I observed was that he was very passive conversationally, and would never “jump in” on a topic. He saw interactions that I would see as normal conversation as interrupting, and also, he would get quite hurt/offended any time this happened and shut down, rather than continue his story when the other person’s sentence was done. Conversational styles are not wrong but can vary a huge amount. So it could be that these people are doing it to other people, but the other people are, as you say, continuing on and raising their voice. That’s a pretty common dynamic in conversations and often nobody even sees it as rude.

      Honestly I don’t know if I’d bring it up with a friend a week later, because I doubt she remembers the interaction. You certainly could say something to kind of see how she responds – is she super dismissive, apologetic etc? I wonder if it would help to practise things like getting comfortable interrupting someone “back” and taking back the conversation in the moment.

    3. fposte*

      I’m sorry; it sounds like that was really frustrating.

      I don’t think this is about there being anything fundamentally wrong or right with you or them, though; it sounds like you have different conversational styles. When this has come up on AAM before, I’ve likened it to spaces in traffic when driving; in small towns you can wait for a nice wide space before you turn into traffic, but in Chicago you boldly drive right out or else you’ll wait forever. It sounds like you are comfortable with small-town distances while dealing with big-city drivers.

      One thing you could do is start to notice other people who prefer longer distances and seeking out their company. Another thing you can do is develop the ability to use your horn :-). “Hang on–I wasn’t done!” or, as somebody here once said, “Wait! Let me finish my story!” are perfectly valid and legitimate things to say if you want to be listened to when people’s attention is drifting. (You can also refuse to yield the floor if somebody else starts talking to you while you’re still talking–just keep going, maybe amping up the volume.)

      Now in a deeper sense this may not seem satisfying to you. Right now it sounds like you’re seeing this as a response to you as a person, not just what you were saying in the moment, and maybe you’re feeling if they respected and loved you they should make space for you to speak. And maybe there’s some truth in that, but what you’re describing is really common in human conversation even among people who love one another. So while it never hurts to go looking for new kinds of friends, I think it’s worth seeing if some city-driving skills with the old ones might get you more of the space you’re hoping for.

    4. Turtlewings*

      Ugh, that really sucks. Some people can compel attention and dominate a conversation without even trying, and some people just have the opposite effect — just something about the way they speak. It’s so hard to put a finger on. In D&D terms, I’d say you have a negative charisma modifier. It honestly doesn’t mean that you don’t have anything interesting to say, it doesn’t mean you can’t bond with people or that nobody cares about you, it just means that… when the conversational dice roll, for some reason you come in last. It could be something about your voice, about the way you hold herself or the way you phrase things; I don’t think there’s much reason to obsess about why, because it’s unlikely you could change it without doing an overhaul of your entire psyche. (That said, if you want to work on being more assertive in conversation, presenting yourself more confidently, etc., it might help.) I’m sorry you’ve gotten stuck with this negative modifier, but please know that if your stats are low here, it’s because they’re high somewhere else — i.e. there are other things about you that are great. Not knowing you, I can’t say what they are, but I have zero doubt that they exist.

      As far as whether to talk to your friend about it, I think you should, actually. Something like, “I know this is a little thing, and I wouldn’t care except that it happens over and over. It really stings when I think I’m having a nice conversation with someone only to find the other person has stopped paying attention to me at all.” Then stop talking and see how she responds, because if it’s anything other than “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that and I’ll try not to do that ever again,” then she’s not much of a friend.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Just want to say that I totally sympathize with you because this happens to me and it always makes me feel like crap. Like people don’t care about me or what I have to say, like I’m the lowest person on the social hierarchy.

      My coping mechanism is to just stop talking, and to try to not care. The latter of which is easier said than done.

    6. Lady Jay*

      Ah, you have my sympathies! Happens to me far too often. At least in my experience, I get talked over (or my questions will get misunderstood) because I often provide backstory prior to whatever I’m saying, and that throws people off track. I also think I get talked over because I have a soft(er) voice and I am a relatively small woman, so there’s no physical presence. I’ve been trying to “jump to the point” a little more quickly, as a way to get my voice heard in conversation, but this takes a while to learn and to some degree just isn’t who I am, conversationally. I say this because it’s possible that there are things in the way you communicate, which are *not things to be ashamed of*, that affect this.

      And yes, tell your friend, especially if you want to spend time with her in the future. If she really cares about you, she’ll make the effort to adapt to your communication style and respect your voice.

      1. matcha123*

        I’m the same! I need to lay the foundation for what I’m saying, that context is extremely important to me and it seems to throw some people off. The same people who don’t give backstory then get annoyed at me for not interpreting their intentions as they meant.

        1. fposte*

          Sometimes backstory is necessary for understanding, that’s for sure! The problem with backstory is it’s not that engaging for a listener–it’s like leading with the footnotes. The faster that you can get to the part that you want them to connect with the better. One of life’s communication trials is that the way it makes sense for me to tell you something is often not the best way for you to listen to it. (See elsewhere where you’re talking about communicating with people with brusque and privileged styles.)

          This discussion is also making me think about how much conversation can be like writing and yet how rarely we think to apply the same conscious rules. I, for instance, am an inappropriate rambler in situational exchanges like checkouts. In the Midwest, a brief comment on the weather or a pleasantry about tech problems there is accepted and even preferred, and if it were an email, I’d have that down–“Thanks for fulfilling my order. Hope the snow isn’t too bad for you going home!” Yet in person I then expand to a comment about a sliding car that somehow I can’t compress into a 10-word sentence, and then it’s pointless without the next sentence, and though I’m packing up my bags and moving on rather than just standing there, the cashier still begins to question their life choices.

    7. TL -*

      Do you pause a lot for thought or trail off when you’re looking for a word? There are some people I know who “signal” that they’re done speaking when they’re actually not, so if you’re not careful, you end up talking over them, especially in group settings. I know it takes me a few conversations to adjust to someone’s pace if they’re a pauser.
      And some people just aren’t okay with silence during a conversation so they jump in at any pause, because silence = end of thought or silence = uncomfortable.
      Either way, look surprised when someone interrupts you and politely say “I’m not finished yet!” or wait until they’re done and say “as I was saying….”
      And do this with other people in your group! If someone was interrupted, redirect attention back to them after interuptee is at a stop/pause point. Sometimes you can build a group dynamic where that kind of circling back is the norm.

      1. only acting normal*

        The duration of the ‘pause’ that people hear as a legitimate place to interrupt is really small too – like a few hundred milliseconds! Though it varies a bit culturally.

        People interrupt me all the time. I apparently leave too long a gap, e.g. when it’s “my turn” to speak, and I can never smoothly interject in group discussions. In my case I blame an autism-related auditory processing glitch.

        1. TL -*

          It’s so interesting how much it can vary from person to person! I’m a fast talker myself so while one-on-one I can pay attention to and adjust to someone’s pause speeds – and I have friends that take pauses of 10+ seconds – it’s really, really hard to get that from a group conversation.

          1. fposte*

            Sometimes I feel there should be publicly agreed upon conversational traffic rules. I mean, there is the interrupting is rude rule, but there should on the other end an agreement about how long a silence constitutes ceding the floor.

    8. The Commoner*

      I sympathize and have the same struggle. It sucks to be invisible. Personally, it makes me feel very lonely that no one takes a notice in my interests or thoughts. This probably contributes toward my anxiety and depression. While I don’t need others for validation, it sure would be nice to share some mutual time on common interests with someone.

      1. scarydogmother*

        I see you and relate completely. Sometimes I think maybe people like us are only visible and important to each other.

    9. oranges & lemons*

      I feel you on this one. It’s frustrating, but in my experience I think a lot of it comes down to confidence in how you speak. If you (general “you”, or maybe just me) don’t feel very confident that anyone wants to listen to you, it seems like it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve also tried the technique in the past of speaking really concisely to avoid rambling and boring people, but ironically I’ve found that some of the most compelling and engaging people I know aren’t afraid to take up your time and really tell the story at their own pace. Do you find that this is pretty situational? It might be helpful to practice speaking more assertively with small groups of people you know well and are comfortable with. I think it is a skill that can be learned, and it’s something I’ve gotten better at with time.

    10. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      Ice Bear, to answer your first question: Yes! I can so very much relate.
      To answer your last quesion: Absolutely you should tell your friend! Friend can help you to understand what’s happening &or help to ensure that you’re heard.

      There’s a Seinfeld episode that I think of a bit too often… Jerry is dating a woman with many good attributes, although the reactions to her are quite tepid. This woman seems to have loser status built into her DNA because those who know her are dismissive & those who meet her seem to automatically know of this DNA trait.
      This validated what I often suspected about myself: that my compisition has loser-status built in.

      (If this episode does give a reason for others’ reaction to her then I don’t remember that. I just remember that the episode seemed to be written about me & it kind of surprised me that others knew this to be a thing.)

      1. Lissa*

        This is so interesting to me because it’s something that I think exists, absolutely, but people don’t really want to think about it. But it makes sense – I mean, we realize that the opposite exists, where people are more charismatic than average, people are just drawn to them, some people “get away” with all kinds of things. I suspect it’s also self-reinforcing and there are ways to lessen the effect, as there would be with other traits … I mean, people can get stronger physically, get better at math etc. even if they might not be amazing.

    11. Gatomon*

      Yes, this is a reoccurring issue in my life. I’m working with a therapist on it, but I’m not sure there’s a way to force people to listen to you when they’re seemingly dead set against it. I have a few friends who do and I treasure them, but other people? I don’t waste my time anymore. I never had the guts to confront anyone over it. I guess my feeling is that if you can’t listen to me complete a sentence then we are not friends and never were.

      Family’s a bit different, but it’s probably the biggest reason I’m not close to them. I don’t waste my breath or energy because they don’t listen and they don’t remember. Even my own parents hardly listened to me, and rarely do they actually tell me important things. My mom didn’t even give me the courtesy of telling me dad passed before the rest of the family was calling and texting me about it, for example. My therapist has helped me realize that I was trained to stay quiet because my thoughts/opinions weren’t valued by my parents/family, and that I do deserve to be heard.

      People who tell me I’m quiet piss me off. If you want me to talk, don’t’ tell me I’m quiet. Hold a conversation with me!

    12. Stellaaaaa*

      It might just be the content of what you’re talking about. If you’re talking about an event that no one else was at, or a person that no one in the group knows, or a TV show that they don’t watch, it doesn’t matter how many words you’re saying. It’s a conversation that no one else at the table can participate in.

    13. MeM*

      I have this happen to me a lot, too, especially within my own family. Everyone will be speaking in a general conversation, I’ll start a sentence in a lull, and just get talked over. After the fourth time, I just stop trying. In our family there is definitely a pecking order (I’m not near the top, obviously), and it doesn’t help that SIL is hard of hearing.

      It also happens in social settings a lot, too. There, my strategy is a little different. I’ve taken a Dale Carnegie class and one of the things we learned is that people have short attention spans – we practiced telling a story in either 30 seconds or two minutes. When I’m in a group, I’ll really distill what I have to say down to something short. If it turns out the others weren’t interested, at least I wasn’t talking long enough to be interrupted. If they are interested, then the conversation will expand naturally.

    14. Ice Bear*

      So much well-thought-out and great advice here! This is why I love this site so much.

      I tend to talk fast, and I think it developed as a way to get a word in edgewise in conversation. But from what I’ve learned from some past research is that it can be harder for people to listen to fast talkers. So my strategy has actually backfired. :(

      As for the topic of conversation, I was trying to share a story about shitty bosses since that was what was being discussed previously. I know it got a bit long, as in more than a few sentences, but I always listen to my friend’s stories so I had hoped she’d indulge me in this one instance. And I do mean one, because in all the years we’ve been hanging out I’ve never actually told a story to her because I know how things usually go. Was just hoping this time would be different. It’s tough with this particular group of people because they all know each other from working together and we met via my husband so I rarely have anything to contribute to the conversation as it is. They are actually very nice people other than this particular incident, so I’m still on the fence about saying something because I think she’d feel really bad knowing she hurt my feelings.

      I am a small person physically and I do talk softly so I’m sure there’s something to that as well. It probably goes back to grammar school when the only attention I seemed to get was negative (aka teasing) so I apparently developed habits to stay unnoticed even now when I do want someone to notice me!

      1. fposte*

        I think also people may develop duration patterns, as it were, with different people; if you don’t generally tell a longer story, they may not have been mentally prepared for it. One tactic is to flag it so people know it’s not a quickie–“This is a long one, so buckle in!”

        It’s also okay and even helpful to foreshadow the takeaway or meaning–“This is long, but it still upsets me to this day, and I’d love to get feedback.” Countess Boochie below talks about BLUF, bottom line up front–while you don’t necessarily want to do that literally for story with a punchline or a climax, it can be helpful to set people’s expectations so they know what they’re listening for (I’m sure you’ve had the occasion where you thought you were listening to somebody’s funny story only to find they thought it was a tragic story or vice versa). It also, with a longer story, can help to give indications of where you are in the process so people know whether they’re committing to 30 more minutes or two. So subhead-type information like “And the second of the three horrible things he did was…” can be a really useful way to signal to listeners that you’re in control of this story and you have a landing point in mind.

    15. Anon For This.*

      My 10 year old daughter has this issue and it’s hurts her so much. She is seeing a therapist but so far none of the technique have worked so far. If they don’t interrupt her they just walk away mid sentence. She is very conscientious about asking questions or make a comment about others first “how was your weekend?”, “I like your dress” but when it’s her turn to talk they will listen for a second then interrupt and walk away. In her school she was in a small therapy group and the feedback from the therapist was that she didn’t see any issues, as daughter was the “leader” of the group and was very good about drawing the timid kids out to join the conversations. So she got dropped from the group because the therapist said other kids needed her services more. Maybe she is too confident for her peers? Not sure but I hope things change for the best for both of you.
      I hope for a change

      1. fposte*

        Oh, ouch. I think there’s often a problem for kids who learn the adult rules well and then find that a lot of them don’t work in elementary school–and the rules that do work are kind of stupid. It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of ten-year-olds aren’t good at listening to other people, so I do think your daughter is mismatched by being ahead of the game at those kinds of social skills and empathy, but that’s not much help to getting her what she wants.

        The one thing I’d want to keep an eye on is if she’s doing this because she thinks she needs to tend to others’ wants in preference to her own. There’s a delicate dance with the importance of politely inquiring about others but also the importance of going first sometimes and not waiting before somebody politely invites you to do so. Lots of us grownups are still working on that one too :-).

    16. Jackie*

      People interrupting is so very common. Everyone has something to say ! ! ! Just this weekend I met cousins for lunch and couldn’t finish what I started to say. So, after being interrupted, I’d pipe up that I hadn’t finished my story. Then I’d proceed to finish my thoughts. If I’m talking and really want to continue the conversation thread I started, I now tell people that my story isn’t finished and for them to hold their thought until I’m done because I have to get to the punch line of the story. There are some people who are good listeners, others just what to talk and have no curiosity.

    17. Clever Name*

      Honestly, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with you. It sounds like you’re surrounded by assholes.

  57. Kali*

    I’ve recently been reading The Game by Neil Strauss, and I wanted to unpack some of my thoughts about it.

    Firstly, the most common reaction I get is “why?” or “Don’t read that” or “Don’t give them the air time”. Obviously, I don’t instinctively know the reasons for these responses, because I *did* decide to read it. I think some of it is to do with the fact that my ‘tribe’ – liberal feminists – has an opinion on PUAs, and while I do agree with that opinion, I wanted to go and look at the original source for myself anyway. Even wanting to look at it for myself feels like a betrayal, like I’m suggesting that the group opinion might be wrong or that I might not fully agree with it. I don’t have a defence for that, and it feels like I need one. I just want to look at it to make sure that I *do* agree with the tribal opinion, and for the right reasons. I also, tbh, have a secret fear that some pick-up artists have techniques that could work on me or someone like me, and I want to be able to see them coming. I don’t want to be tricked. I think some of the reaction also comes from the idea that PUAs want attention, and that, like toddlers, should not be given attention for the sake of it. I think that’s fair, and I think some of these men sound very like Elliot Rodger, which is also very worrying.

    I’m now on chapter 4, and what I’ve come to realise is that’ the game’ (as, in what the pick-up artist community do) is a very bad model of how the world works, but that it serves the men who use it. Most of these men are very lonely, very awkward, and very anxious. Several of them have reached their mid-20s without having conversations with women, and see them as some strange and terrifying ‘other’. Their map basically has ‘here be dragons’ scrawled all over the female psyche. What this model does give them is a set of rules. Firstly, ‘the game’ defines what gives men value, in a way that these men are already inclined to agree with (picking up women). It has its own slang and jargon, i.e., most men are ‘average f-ing chumps’, going out to pick up women is ‘sarging’ and so on, all of which gives them a sense of community (in the same way that cults do). And, it has rules, and the map says that if men follow these rules, they will have more value. The rules and tricks aren’t easy to master, but even if they fail, it tells them why and gives them a clear next step. It tells them why other men are more popular or more successful (there’s a quote about proving that PUAs are better than nerds and jocks who’ve been beating them), and then tells them what to do about it.

    I can see why it works, which is scary. Neil Strauss learns magic tricks, practices interesting conversation openers, and so on, and I think I would enjoy being a part of some of the conversations he describes. I think I would like someone who told me interesting things and showed me magic tricks, and I can see myself falling for some of the cold-reading tricks that makes him seem more interested and empathic than he actually is. That terrifies me. I don’t want to be ‘Brunette Rank #’, and it worries me that some of these guys might be able to do a good enough impression of being genuinely interested in me as a person that I might fall for it.

    A lot of the PUA community isn’t even about women – it’s about spending time with, competing with, and interacting with men. I can kind of relate to that. My friend and I have a joke-crush on one of our professors, and we spent half an hour talking about a 2-minute conversation one of us had had with him. That wasn’t about him – that was something fun for us to do together. I think the difference is that we didn’t make him part of it. We didn’t take anything from him, we didn’t try to trick him, or change how he felt about anything, and I think those are the worst parts of the pick-up community. It’s like when someone has a fetish and they start acting it out with you without asking permission first (I use that example from personal experience; I’ve had men message me on dating sites saying things like “do you need a slave, mistress?” or “who is your master?” and I had one guy who would come into wherer I used to work and pretend to be developmentally disabled in order to act out his adult-baby fantasy, fooling complete strangers into interacting wtih him as this character).

    The PUA community just does not appear to view women as fully human, which is one of the things I knew going in.:/ I do think the responsibility of understanding that lies with these men themselves. I also wonder what else is out there, for adults who are this socially awkward? I’m lucky in that regard, but for people who really do need social interactions to be broken down to an absolutely basic level, what resources are out there?

    1. Turtlewings*

      What’s the old quote, that unless you understand your enemy’s argument you don’t fully understand your own? I think there’s every reason in the world to investigate what something actually is before condemning it wholesale, even if just to gather more ammunition against it. And your mention of wanting to know their methods so you’re less vulnerable to them is a great argument as well!

      I find what you say about them really interesting; I had assumed these men were simply desperate for sex and didn’t have enough to offer in the personality department to get it more legitimately, which still sounds kind of true, but after seeing the way you break it down — their complete inability to interact with women, the way the PUA community gives them structure and friendship — geez, that’s honestly pitiable. And all the more terrifying because it shows a man might not have to be a monster to get sucked into it, just vulnerable and lonely. And perhaps lacking in empathy.

    2. fposte*

      I think the rules thing is huge. These are often people who really, really want to feel safe; who are really afraid of feeling vulnerable. Rules and groups are ways to avoid that; so, to some extent, is anger of the red pill/mgtow variety.

      1. Reba*

        This may relate also to the psychology of tolerance or intolerance for ambiguity — I think you brought this up here before, fposte, but it just arose in a conversation around here last night. Some people really want to know the right way to do something, and expect to get the results they programmed in for.

        1. Reba*

          I am highly tolerant of ambiguity and track pretty well with the other things that correlate with that…. except I know I’m always right, so it kinda breaks down there. ;)

          1. fposte*

            I have gotten much, much better with ambiguity as I’ve matured, but I still love rules for rules’ sake. I would be a great cartoon bureaucrat.

    3. Lissa*

      For your first argument, I am a lot like you in that I want to understand the other side, and often I don’t even mind engaging with them. There’s been a big movement in liberal circles lately that say things like “don’t give them a voice” “engaging with the other side is giving them license” “trying to have a civil debate with people who don’t consider you fully human is wrong” and so on. I absolutely think NOBODY needs to have those conversations or ever engage with those people and it’s extremely wrong to tell them to. But I am someone who questions *everything*, and as soon as someone tells me “you’re not allowed to consider the other side” I start…considering the other side. This has put me at odds with people lately and I don’t really know how to reconcile it, because it’s just what my brain does.

      As for PUA…yeah. “doesn’t appear to view women as fully human” is it exactly. To my mind it’s the natural extension of the “friend zone” crap. The idea that a man would never want to be friends with a woman without the potential of sex, and that women are just a completely different species. Some of their techniques work, yeah. not because they are right about women, but because human psychology is complicated and there are things that will “work” to a greater or lesser extent, on many of us. For instance I remember learning something once – to get someone to like you more, don’t do them a favor. Ask them to do YOU a small favour, then be really thankful. This totally works a lot of the time, because many people (men and women) like to help and enjoy feeling like they improved someone’s day.

      I (unfortunately) knew a guy slightly who was into Red Pill type crap, and would go on and on about women, dating etc in a way that just was bizarre to me because what he was saying didn’t line up with ANY of the couples I know, and he knew them too! It’s like, dude, you look around you and see all kinds of people in relationships, not just “alphas”? He also extrapolated his time trying to pick up women in clubs to all women everywhere. It was so odd because even with tons of people around him who refuted this worldview, he still wanted to hold to it so hard because it gave him some comfort that it wasn’t his fault that his girlfriend cheated on him and he hadn’t been as successful romantically.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        I’m a logical nerd too, so the idea of shouting down certain conversations isn’t my first instinct…but I’ve come to see the appeal. There’s nothing good that can come from the premise “convince me that Group X is fully human”. Nobody makes that decision based on logic, no matter what side you fall on. Either it’s “you’re talking about my family / neighbors / colleagues / ME, so shut your mouth”, or it’s “I benefit from exploiting Group X, and I don’t plan to stop, but I’m a good person so clearly it’s OK”. Both are terrible from a pure logic perspective. But if you argue calmly, it becomes clear that you don’t have a logical case; if you get angry, especially if you’re Group X yourself, you’re just proving that Group X isn’t capable of logic at all. The only winning play is something of the order “that kind of question is only asked by moral degenerates, and I won’t bother to engage with it”.

        Not saying I like it, just saying I haven’t found a better alternative.

        1. Lissa*

          Hmm, I’m not sure I agree – I do think there are logical reasons not to discriminate that don’t involve it being an emotional response based on being personal. I think it also depends on what is meant by “fully human”, too. I guess I feel this way because I think if it wasn’t the case, our society wouldn’t be (too slowly) moving towards more acceptance, and looking at history, I absolutely believe that we are.

          For instance, with the PUA thing, my logical argument to what they say would involve a lot of what they say just being flat out wrong – so I could point out examples of where them treating all women like a monolith who want X type of man and will do Y is untrue. I’m not saying this always works, but I have had productive conversations with people with “problematic” views, though of course it depends on how entrenched those views are.

          My problem with the way my mind works is as soon as somebody says “that kind of question is only asked by moral degenerates” my brain starts asking that question, and then thinking “yikes, I’m a moral degenerate!” and it isn’t something I can stop from happening just by telling myself I’m a bad person for questioning it. I have tried a lot.

        2. Kali*

          I think that is true a lot of the time…but I still want to know their arguments, just so *I* know they’re stupid. Also, with all these ideologies, there are some people who eventually change their mind, like DrNerdLove, as mentioned elsewhere in this comment thread. I really like hearing from those people too.

    4. Kj*

      Dr. Nredlove is the resource to point men who need to recover from being pick up artists (or who are drawn to it because of the awkward).

      I know many awkward men who were drawn to PUA. Most of them couldn’t pull off the whole Game thing, but picked up some skeevy habits. My sympathy is limited. I get dating is hard and talking to women is hard at first. But I’m an awkward woman and I would never treat men as badly as the Game suggests. I also get little sympathy from society, so I don’t feel awkward men need so much. Maybe I’m harsh, but years of being one of 3 women at a geeky male dominated weekly event and getting hit on with Game-esque techniques or having my shirt stared down rid me of all sympathy.

    5. couldn't think of any good username*

      Do people still read that? I thought that was something guys read years ago that came off as quite ridiculous. It’s almost as bad as The Rules. I seriously wonder, but who believes in that stuff anyway?

      2. Temperance*

        FWIW, The Rules were silly, but generally harmless. PUA is about having sex with as many unsuspecting women as possible.

    6. Champagne_Dreams*

      Definitely finish the book. The second half takes an interesting left turn from the first half.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      This may sound cold, but I just don’t think anyone owes it to men to help them figure out how to talk to women. Maybe they SHOULD struggle a bit. Maybe they should have to retrain their personalities and cultivate interesting lifestyles instead of expecting attention and sex from women. If these men view women this way, the women are better off without them. About 50% of the current news cycle is about the aftermath of men who thought they were entitled to women who didn’t like them. I’m at a point in my life where, yeah, men need to earn that stuff, and they need to figure it out on their own. I’m not a pawn in someone else’s learning experience.

    8. Cedrus Libani*

      I do think that some of the advice isn’t awful. I’m a nerd-lady who’s spent a lot of time around the kind of nerd-dude who’s in full “here be dragons” mode with the ladies. Often, especially if they’re young, they react to anything that’s not outright rejection by latching on like she’s the last helicopter out of Virgin City. That doesn’t work. (If you’re so low-status that you react to basic courtesy with slobbering gratitude…why do others treat you so badly? What do they know that I don’t? Should I be finding an excuse to be literally anywhere else?)

      If nothing else, The Game teaches these people to act like they respect themselves. Which, just by itself, improves their game immensely. Ideally, it would also teach them to respect their targets, but…

      As for resources for basic social interaction, I enjoyed the “Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense” series (I read the work one, there are more). It breaks down, in a logical way, how communication can fail (intentionally or not). As an awkward nerd myself, I draw on some of the concepts / mental models regularly.

    9. Maya Elena*

      For me, I find PUA and red pill fascinating as a cautionary guide telling me – 1) what kind of behaviors to avoid in men and 2) what kind of things women do that stimulates resentment in men. (What you do with that information is up to you.)

      I also have a hypothesis for why male resentment-based movements, like PUA, have gained traction. I think they are a side effect of the normalization of victim narratives in society – gender, race, diet, marital status, weight, you name it (they often play put in thr comments here!). Now, the narratives may be justified and the normalization necessary – but once you make it acceptable, everyone with a grievance can jump on the bandwagon.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        It’s such a paradox: I’ve just commented that no one owes men any favors when it comes to sex (you won’t die if you fail to get laid), but I do think that a lot of problems could be mitigated if we acknowledged that there’s a direct link between telling (white) men that they’re no longer important and a whole slew of preventable tragedies. When a whole demographic is raised from birth to believe that they’re entitled to everything, they’re going to react in nasty ways when that’s taken away and no other roadmap is provided. I don’t know what the solution is, and I don’t necessarily want to be a part of it, but I’m aware of how those dominoes fall.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          When a whole demographic is raised from birth to believe that they’re entitled to everything, they’re going to react in nasty ways when that’s taken away and no other roadmap is provided.

          I don’t think it’s an easy solution by any means, but you’ve pretty much laid it out here—raise that demographic better. Teach them they’re not entitled to everything. Provide them a roadmap.

      2. Close Bracket*

        “2) what kind of things women do that stimulates resentment in men”

        I) Have bodily autonomy
        II) Exercise it

  58. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Has anyone watched The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon? I voted for it during Amazon’s pilot season last year and just finally got around to watching the first season. It’s fantastic!

    What binge-worthy recs do you all have?

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I have also been binging RuPaul’s Drag Race on Netflix. Season 10 started on Thursday!

    3. Margo the Destroyer*

      It depends on what you like. The Magicians is fantastic, Black Mirror, IZombie, Stranger Things, Eureka, Haven, Warehouse 13, Leverage, just to name some. I have so many tv suggestions, it is kind of sad really.

    5. Bluebell*

      I’ve really liked the One Day at a Time remake. And if you haven’t seen Grace and Frankie, it’s very good. Not quite the fabulous costuming as MMM but some amazing interiors. I want their beach house kitchen!

    7. NYC Redhead*

      Plebs on Hulu- daffy, NSFW British comedy about ancient Rome; soon to be remade by Seth Rogan
      La Casa de Papel – Spanish heist series; dubbed or subtitles

  59. Loopy*

    Disclaimer: this is a woe is me post.

    I’ve ever had an eye for aesthetics. My interior design has always been a random miss-mash of acquired stuff. Wardrobe has only been marginally better through painstaking trial and error. I couldn’t even master dorm room decor in any coherent way. Basically, coherence is not my thing. I can’t even put together a professionally stylish looking powerpoint without a template.

    That being said, mostly I’ve muddled along and just accepted this until I met the challenge of wedding decor. Sure, Pinterest things look great. Replicating Pinterest things is usually a fail 9/10 times.

    I’m thinking simple is better but how do I do simple without being just plain or underdone? I feel like there is no hope for me! How do I make my wedding not look like a bad prom? (Also: no dollars for a wedding planner)

    1. Anona*

      As someone who got married 3 years ago and isn’t crafty, I realized on the actual wedding day that I really didn’t care about decor. We bought a lot of flowers from Costco and put them in jars around the venue. But looking back, I cared very little about the decor on the day of. It was 100% about the people. My theory is that wedding blogs and Pinterest focus so much on decor because people don’t really care about looking at pictures of strangers at other ppl’s weddings, but decor is something everyone can understand. Obviously for some people, decor is super important. But if it’s not something you care about in everyday life, when your wedding actually comes you may not care about it much. That was my experience, anyways! I wish I had spent less time stressing over decor and details, in hindsight.

      1. Loopy*

        This is good advice. I don’t know why I’m agonizing so. I think I just want it to overall feel classy and adult (nothing else in my life screams classy and adult and really, thats okay… but I do kind of want to have this one thing feel that way). What little touches I do have, I want to get right. I’ve dialed down the centerpieces to bowl of water with glass beads and floating candles. I was going to do some floating flower thing and whoa, nope. I have no patience for the flower part. So I’m slowly trying to move towards this mindset.

        Why is it so hard?!

    2. Wrench Turner*

      When I was professionally putting together events I found this site useful for all kinds of random, easy and affordable kibble and bits to make them look good on a budget. I still buy from them occasionally. Good prices, good customer service and good ideas to decorate. https://www.save-on-crafts.com/

      That said, you don’t need an internet-approved wedding. It only needs to be as fancy as is right for you. I did my wedding and it was apocalypse themed. Just told everyone to wear red/white/black whatever they wanted. Of COURSE my dad wore green because he didn’t read the invite or bother to talk to me about any of it – and it was funny. I still laugh about it. We had axes and swords and weird neon/LED tube light things. Most importantly we had a great time because it was about us and not the sparkly money-wasting flotsam that would be thrown out in a matter of hours.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! That site has some great stuff!

        The things I’ve been most excited about haven’t been decor. I find it easier to fit ourselves in everywhere but decor it seems. I put my dog on our Save the Dates. I believe he is the best dog ever and is the cutest. He has a sign that says “My Humans Are Getting Married! <3" and a huge doggo grin. I didn't do it because I saw it on Pinterest, I did it because I'm friggin obsessed with my dog. And it felt great.

        Instead a guestbook a made a mock movie poster for everyone to sign because my fiancé is an avid movie poster collector.

        I was so excited about that kind of stuff so I totally get what you mean! Just not really about to see how to reflect myself in a centerpiece, unfortunately.

        1. Wrench Turner*

          I’ve noticed a trend in the guest-poster thing and I think that’s great! Something you actually see regularly, not a tome (let’s be honest) put away and forgotten. I did a quick drawing that matched our invites on a foam core panel that I had everyone sign and is now framed on our stairs.

          For two good examples I’ve seen of people reflecting themselves in the centerpiece, one was a pair that really liked Japanese things and had origami cranes (which meant folding a bajillion of them, but it’s easy to do) in paper colors that matched the event pallet, and the other was those cheap little rubber monster finger puppets because they liked toys and bad movies. They had a bajillion of those and the guests could fidget and play and some collected one of each and because both options cost almost nothing but time nobody felt bad about many of them getting thrown out.

          Maybe consider something that you like that could be touched, interacted with, but isn’t so precious that nobody would want to take it (or conversely fight over them, seen that too).

          1. Loopy*

            I looked into toys like dinosaurs and dragons because I adore dragons and he’s huge Jurassic park fan but none of them were awesome enough for my liking. LOL. Dang it good special effects.

            I want a full size dino/dragon or bust apparently.

        2. Pam*

          Maybe the centerpieces need to be themed around your dog- pictures of him or her, little dog statues, etc.

    3. HannahS*

      You’re being so hard on yourself! I think you should remember that having an “eye” is a skill as much as a talent. I relate, because I’ve worked really hard to try to improve my eye–mostly for reasons having to do with “I’m so bad at this that I think it’s impacting the way people view how I present myself”–and it was time consuming and difficult. So don’t be too hard on yourself for not being good at it, it just means that many other people have spent more time working on it than you have (or were surrounded by it/taught by their parents), and you’re now in the position of having to develop a new skillset yesterday. I don’t really have practical advice, except to say that you want to look for “how-to” posts on Pinterest and the wider internet, not “inspiration” posts. Inspiration posts will show you a stunning living room and lovingly photograph the details. How-to posts will tell how what height is the right height for hanging curtains, how to arrange a gallery wall, and how to create a cohesive palette. Ditto for weddings. Look for the how-to posts, and add “on a budget” or “no flowers” or whatever it is that fits your needs.

      I’ve never had a wedding, but I did have a Bat Mitzvah where the decor in the synagogue social hall, where we had the lunch/party after, was the tablecloths that the synagogue caterer chose (hot pink, despite my saying “just not pink, please) and little purple potted plants that my mom bought at the grocery store as centre-pieces. I was wearing red; it all clashed. In a time when all my Jewish friends had major dance parties at event halls, this was super duper pared down and not stylish. And it was fine, because we didn’t really care. The food was good enough, our friends and family were there, and while some guests may have thought, “…really?” we didn’t care because that wasn’t the point of the event.

      1. Loopy*

        It does see like it takes a lot of work to develop an eye for things. I do appreciate that perspective. Unfortunately, I have no interest in putting in the time or effort it seems. If I had the money, I would dump it all in a wedding planners lap. I know that sounds horrible- but I’m more excited about the marriage. The wedding is fun and all, but just doesn’t mesh with my planning skills (I’m amazing at organizing, logistics, scheduling, and that side of things).

        1. HannahS*

          It doesn’t sound horrible at all! In that case, I wonder if it would make more sense to tell yourself that your wedding might well come off looking like a bad prom, because you don’t care enough about the way it looks to spend the time, money, and stress on it, and you’re more excited about the marriage anyway. And then to sort of make peace with that.

        2. the gold digger*

          I’m with HannahS. It’s your wedding. It’s your marriage. You get to do it the way you want to!

          I also had no interest in planning a big do. We got married in a small church with immediate family only. No flowers. No decorations. We all had dinner together at a nice restaurant. Then we went home and Primo and I slept on the sofabed in the basement because his mom and dad were in our bedroom and my mom was in the guest room. (Do not do this.)

          That was it! And it was fun! Except for my in-laws getting drunk and maudlin, but that was to be expected. And except for having my in-laws in our house for nine days. But having my brother and sister and my mom and her gentleman caller and Primo’s stepdaughters here was awesome.

          And we are still married almost ten years later!

          1. Loopy*

            This is helpful advice. I’d never thought about what I wanted my wedding to look like and honestly, when I’m really truthful with myself, it’s more important that it go smoothly. I have anxiety so really, I would probably have a happier day with reliable vendors and great professional support than great decorations.

            The internet is clearly way against me on this one and it was easy lose sight of than and feel like crying over table runners vs. overlays and if satin *always* looks cheap was completely reasonable.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      String lights are good and can be reused. Especially if you get the ones with round bulbs that are not Christmassy. Light will really affect the feel of the room. Also think about plants as centerpieces. One friend did tea roses. Then guests can bring them home. I think they’re cheaper than cut flowers too.

      Don’t Pinterest wedding decor, look at party decor. I think that will give you more the feel you’re looking for. My thinking is to give the feel of a big outdoor party. And I’m trying to think of the decorations that have been at weddings I’ve attended and I just can’t remember any. Just the roses and that’s only because I brought one home. It’s about the ceremony and friends, family, food and dancing.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks for the tip on the lights.

        Plants look super cute, but man would it feel weird in the sense that every plant I’ve ever owned has died a sad death until I stopped trying for the sake of plants everywhere :P I love plants! Just don’t love taking care of them apparently. They are far better off in nature than in my care!

    5. Overeducated*

      I am similar and for me, setting did 95% of the work. I barely decorated the church (flowers on the altar was it), and friends commented on how pretty the building was – it was my regular church, not selected for architecture, but it has nice stained glass. I had my reception at a botanical garden and it was gorgeous, minimal decorating required, just candles and simple flowers on the tables. So let the venue do as much work as possible.

      1. Loopy*

        Alas, my venue was picked on a budget, and while it’s nice enough, it doesn’t go near as far as I’d like!

    6. Casuan*

      I love what Anona & Overeducated said.

      To avoid wedding à la prom, my suggestion is to focus on a few elegant & quality pieces of décor.

      That said!
      Loopy, I think that you do have a style! A mismatched aesthetic is really an aesthetic in itself. Why not embrace it?
      Your wedding should be based on your style [& your fiancé’s]. It really is about you both & those with whom you choose to celebrate.

      Interactive décor? Ask the guests to send you a photo or a saying that means something to them which you can print to make centrepieces or whatever… or to bring something with them that can become part of a larger decoration… or ask that they each bring a flower or have paper & markers at the venue for them to create something there.
      I’m not describing this well at all, although hopefully it makes some sense & helps you to think of what might work for you. Of course, you don’t want anyone to feel obligated nor do you want it to be too “crafty.” The idea is that this about the people. :)
      disclaimer: I have friends who have done this with much success, so that’s where these suggestions originate.

      Congratulations on your marriage!!

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I do have something a teeny bit like that. The table numbers are little books that say “Leave a note for the couple to read on their [insert number] wedding anniversary.” I really love that piece of things a lot.

    7. Aphrodite*

      I have a deep and abiding love for simplicity wherein every single person there (including the bride) has a wonderful, memorable and utterly relaxed day. So when I saw this post on Apartment Therapy a couple of years back I fell madly in love with this wedding. It seemed so perfect: https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/real-wedding-georgia-bed-breakfast-elopement-230187

      Others posted on then since then have also attracted me but none so much as this one. It had all the hallmarks of a fabulous day.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I really should step away from the minute details and just step back. I really think I’m going to work on that.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      Do you have a control freak relative with Opinions? Wanna just let her/him pick everything out for you?

      1. Loopy*

        I actually have several relatives with an excellent, amazing eye for decor. Alas, we all live many states apart.

        Also, I’m trying to do this on a tight budget and my family probably wouldn’t work with with my limits. My dad is already worried that I’m worrying about costs too much. It’s not that we don’t have the money, it just that my fiancé and I both want to keep it at a moderate cost so our money can be used for other things.

        Wedding and moderate cost seem to be concepts quite at odds.

    9. Loopy*

      Thanks everyone. I really needed this support right now. Wedding planning just stopped being fun and started being discouraging. Probably a lot has to do with my own strict cost limitations, minimal DIY skills, and honest disinterest in decor. That’s just not a great combination!

      Truthfully, I’m excited about the marriage and don’t want wedding planning to taint that, which it may be doing. But honestly, I’ve got all my vendors but hair and make up- if I do nothing else but send out invites, we’d probably still be able to hold this shin-dig.

      And that’s sounding like a great path to take right now!

      1. Anona*

        My husband and I joke (but kinda not joking) that if your relationship can survive planning a wedding, you’re good to go.

        You sound similar to me in a lot of ways. And for me, wedding planning was stressful and hard, for the reasons you mentioned. I did enjoy the actual day, but was actually sick during it, and a few days before it (I blame the stress!). I actually had to go to urgent care the next day as we drove to our honeymoon, and pretty much spent the whole honeymoon laying low and recovering.

        For us, marriage has been waaaay better than wedding planning. We do appreciate going to others’ weddings now. We always tell each other how glad we are that we don’t have to do that again .

        So, hang in there. You will get through it! It sounds like you have the pieces in place.

        1. Loopy*

          I totally get that now! A LOT of people warned us that wedding planning was miserable and it really irked me because I was so excited to be getting married and have a wedding of my own. I totally agree with them now in hindsight though!

          I know there are probably people who can be chill through the whole process, but I’m an A type personality so I tend to make everything harder than it needs to be.

      2. anonagain*

        Honestly, that sounds super fun to me. I don’t remember anything about the decorations at my friend’s wedding. I just remember the time we spent laughing and dancing and celebrating.

        However you choose to decorate, your wedding will be great.

  60. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Any other runners on here?

    Doing my first full marathon (NJ) in…five weeks now, and I’m a little nervous about it! Hoping that things go well – did a half marathon (NYC) last weekend and that went really well. On the other hand, not sure if it’s just been this winter, but I’m feeling a little burned out. (Granted, I was REALLY stressed in the run up to NYC.)

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Yes! Five time marathoner here, including the NJ Marathon twice.

      It’s not unusual to feel burned out a month or six weeks out from the marathon. It’s a ton of training. But the NJ Marathon is going to be well worth it. Every marathon is extremely challenging, but on the Richter scale of marathons, NJ is a really nice race. Not overcrowded, beautiful ocean views from mile 17 or so till the end, nice and flat, good crowd and community support for much of it. As another commenter mentioned below, don’t be tempted to over-train; if you do, the clock will strike midnight well before you reach mile 20 on race day, and you don’t want that. Also, if this is your first full marathon, don’t pressure yourself by setting a time goal. Just run what you run and enjoy the ride. And good luck!!

      I’m curious, by the way, to hear what you thought of the NYC Half. That race was long overcrowded and overhyped but this year they changed the route and it looked so cool! I had no idea until the day of the race or I might have considered paying the exorbitant price for it.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        First of all, I’m glad to hear I’m not crazy for how I’m feeling! (It’s…been a long winter, is all I can say.) I mean, I am looking forward to NJ, but it’s just the tempos and fitting in the long runs between that and The Place We Don’t Talk About On Weekends.

        With NJ, I’ve actually heard that coming back the crosswinds are a bit difficult – and I tend to not handle wind that great (it’s a peril of being tall and skinny!) On the other hand, I managed mostly fine at NYC in wind, so I don’t know how much I should worry.

        Regarding NYC – I had…a lot of thoughts. I’ll try to condense them, but:

        – Background info: my opinion’s going to be more performance-based than experience-based. That is, I can’t tell you how pretty stuff is as well as I can tell how good the course is for a PR (spoilers: not great!)
        – The course is pretty interesting (since it starts in Brooklyn now) – but also more difficult than the old course, from what I’ve heard. I didn’t run the old course, but I have a lot of friends that did, and that’s what they’ve all said.
        – Notably, you have to contend with the Manhattan Bridge. It’s not as bad as it looks on the elevation graph, but it’s not exactly a walk in the park either. (When I looked at my data on Strava afterwards, my grade-adjusted pace on the bridge was about 5% faster than what I actually ran.)
        – IMO, the most difficult part is the FDR segment – you’re out on the highway, fully exposed to the elements (and it was windy that day), and you’re kind of by yourself. The good thing is that you hit the FDR relatively early (about miles 5-7).
        – To emphasize – the grades weren’t really that bad, in my opinion. It was really the wind that was the most difficult thing to deal with; one guy in my group described it as the first ten miles being in a headwind, and that was pretty accurate. It might have been a bad coincidence, but it was really the wind that was the killer.

        All that said, I didn’t find the course quite as tough as I was expecting. And further, you do get a couple of nice views – so if you have a chance to enjoy the view, do it! However, I’m guessing most people lost a minute or two from the course change alone.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Thanks for the info on the NYC Half! After putting 12+ years worth of mileage on my legs, I’ve stopped caring all that much about PRs so I’m more interested in what the course has to offer me. A chance to run on the Manhattan Bridge and FDR Drive sounds very cool.

          Crosswinds were an issue the second time I ran NJ but not the first. Basically, hope that you don’t get a stiff north wind on marathon day, because roughly the last seven miles of the race are due north. I hope you post again after marathon day and let us know how you do? For what it’s worth, my first time running NJ was my personal best by almost six minutes.

          2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            Thanks! I probably will end up posting about things afterwards (and probably in the run-up as well). I’m actually hoping to qualify for Boston next year, which I think I should be able to do.

            In retrospect, the experience of actually getting to run places you normally don’t get to go was pretty awesome, and ending in Central Park was great for the crowd support. I think part of my experience was that I was so focused on hitting my goal time (which I did with seconds to spare) that I didn’t really think about how cool the course was. (And then, the group I normally run with is more racing-oriented, so that colored my perspective too.)

            1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

              Wow! If you’re fast enough to even be thinking about qualifying for Boston (which I’m a good hour too slow to ever hope to do), forget what I said about not having a time goal. Good luck!

              1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

                …I mean, it actually was good advice! Two mental traps I noticed myself getting into were 1) thinking that my time goal was everything and 2) comparing myself too much to others, which caused me to be extremely stressed in the run-up to NYC.

                Granted, there is some truth to the first part – for example, if I don’t run a BQ (and well under it), I’m probably not going to be able to do Boston. But also, in the grand scheme of things, whatever competition there is doesn’t matter to anyone else but me. It shouldn’t stop me from trying, but in the end I’m really competing with myself. I mean, I’m fast, but not elite, and I’m fine with that.

                (I think the other reason I’ve found myself a little bit more able to be chill is that I’m more confident that I can run a BQ at NJ!)

    2. Justin*

      You killed it last week.

      Stay focused and do what people say: First ten miles with your head, next ten with your legs, last 10k with your heart.

    3. A bit of a saga*

      I’m a new runner, doing my first half marathon in Berlin two weeks from now. Very excited! And pretty proud I’ve made it this far and stuck with the training (which admittedly I started too late but hey)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Good luck! It’s quite an accomplishment to just be able to stay with a program.

        A couple of quick questions – exactly when did you start training, and how active were you before that? The guidelines I’ve heard are usually 10-14 weeks of training leading up to a half marathon – more if you’re not really active, and less if you are somewhat.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          10-14 weeks of training for a half marathon is about right. Since I’ve done 35 of them now it’s a bit less for me :-)

          1. A bit of a saga*

            Thanks! I will have had exactly 14 weeks on race day so I should be ok. But I’ve been signed up for the race for almost a year (tickets go fast!) which is why I’m a bit annoyed I didn’t start the training earlier. I’ve stuck pretty closely to one of the many 1/2 marathon programmes you can find online (one recommended by my brother) so with the time I ended up having so prepare I think I’ve done well

            1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

              It sounds like you should be ready – you’ve definitely had enough time to prepare. From what I’ve heard, Berlin is a MAJOR race, so that’s actually pretty normal to have to sign up that early.

              If you haven’t already started, definitely start figuring out your race day prep. I’ve found that for me, having things planned out and set up really helps with not feeling scrambled, and large races basically require you to have your stuff sorted out. Definitely try to get to the start early (like at least 1 1/2 hours before).

              1. A bit of a saga*

                That’s a good tip! I don’t know Berlin well so also need to figure out exactly how to get there. It is indeed a major one, hoping for a great atmosphere!

  61. Casuan*

    What is the stupid little thing that you should have already known but inexplicably never did & not only can you not fathom you never knew it, you’re a bit embarrassed about this & it makes your life sooo much easier?

    Until about three weeks ago I never grasped the joys of drag & drop. I always knew how to do it, of course, although I never realised how it makes typing so much more efficient than always cutting & pasting.
    What cracks me up is that I’m way too proud of myself for finally knowing this!

    1. NaoNao*

      It’s not recent, but I used to bring all my packages from my etsy store/ebay store to the post office and hand write (!!) a label and ship them all Priority Mail flat rate for like, over $6 each!
      Yeah, ebay and etsy will sell you printable labels at half the price, for First Class Packages under 1 lb. D’oh!
      Also, I bought poly mailing envelopes (like 1000 count) the kind that major clothing brands send you their clothing in, and use those. Again, saves SO much time!

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      If you mess up your mascara, let it dry and then scratch it away with the spoolie end of your eyebrow pencil. I ruined a lot of eye makeup by rubbing away mascara while it was still wet.

    3. LilySparrow*

      I lived in my house for nearly six years before I realized we had a self-cleaning oven.

      I was scrubbing it on my hands & knees with baking soda & vinegar, procrastinating cleaning the thing so long in between, it was a safety hazard. And I could have just thrown a switch whenever I wanted.

    4. Thlayli*

      Pretty much every social skill I’ve ever learned as an adult. When I “get” it I think back to all the times I did it wrong and go bright red.

  62. Fleur de Lis*

    Congratulations on getting to your goal! A marathon is a serious commitment in training and discipline…be proud of this accomplishment. I would recommend following your tapering schedule diligently…even if a longer run feels good. Eat well, sleep well, make packing lists…you’ve got this!

    1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Guessing this was under my thread, but…Thanks! I’m trying to remember to do the little things – I’ve found that for races, that really helps keep me on track.

  63. tangerineRose*

    I’m getting hooked on the Velocity channel – something about how fix and improve stuff I guess. Any other fans here?

    1. msroboto*

      I’m hooked but there really isn’t all that much content. It’s the same few shows repeated over and over. That said it’s my go to sleep channel.

      I like most of the shows but I will not watch Graveyard Carz but I watch everything else.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Graveyard Carz got better when they got Daren and Josh on the show, but Mark does still put people down – not angrily though.

        I prefer Bitchin’ Rides and Speed is the New Black and Junkyard Empire. I DVR the shows so that lets me watch more variety, but yeah, a lot of it is the same stuff. It’s great background noise though.

  64. Lady Jay*

    Recommendations: Really compelling/exciting audiobooks. I’ll be driving 9 hours for a work trip this week, half after dark, and won’t arrive at my destination till midnight. Need something to keep me awake! I usually like nonfiction audiobooks but am open to a variety of suggestions.

    1. Elkay*

      I’m not sure how long they are but try David Sedaris books, I find them better as audio books. How do you feel about series? Cabin Pressure (comedy about an airline) is 27 half hour episodes, Homecoming (government conspiracy) is 12 episodes all between 30-40 minutes.

    2. yo*

      the storm before the storm by Mike Duncan – It’s about the beginning of the fall of the Roman republic.

    3. KR*

      Okay I have some good recommendations for you!

      “Slow Burn” is a podcast series about the whole entire Watergate scandal. I grew up in the 90s/00s so I knew Nixon got impeached but I didn’t know a whole lot else and this completely filled me in on not only what happened but how it felt when the news came out as it came out.

      “The Atlanta Monster” is a podcast about The Atlanta Child Murders from 1979-1981 where over 25 black children and teenagers were killed. It examines the hunt for the killer and his capture. It also talks about the community efforts to protect the neighborhood children and the increased awareness of child abductions during that time period. It also discusses how race was a major factor in the investigation because all of the victims were black, so there was a lot of community speculation about whether it was a racially motivated crime. Also, there is some speculation that the police did not act on it soon enough or recognize the pattern killings because they were black children.

      “Up and Vanished” is by the same person who did Atlanta Monster. I liked this one better but they’re honestly both great. It talks about the disappearance of Tara Grinstead, a high school teacher from Ocilla, GA. It discusses her whole case in great detail with interviews from people in the town and great storytelling. The best part about this podcast is that they found the people who supposedly did it fairly recently so it’s a developing case.

      I also really like “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and “Death, Sex, and Money”. If you like history, I love “Stuff You Missed In History Class” and “Sawbones”, which is a medical history podcast. If you’re into feminist podcasts, “Stuff Mom Never Told You” is boss and I love it.

      I just realized you asked for Audiobooks and not podcasts.. after writing out this whole list. But these are all available on the NPR One app or Spotify and if you want to listen on the ride they are awesome. Safe travels.

    4. only acting normal*

      “The Tobolowsky Files” podcast is essentially the actor Stephen Tobolowsky’s autobiography read by him. Unexpectedly brilliant. Plus he is *the* most accident prone person- he’s broken his neck *twice*!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ooh, thank you for this! I love Stephen Tobolowsky and had no idea he’d written a memoir.

        1. only acting normal*

          Don’t think there’s a book, but he writes sections for the pod cast, and the cumulative effect/style is of a book read aloud, vs an interview or an off the cuff anecdote.

    5. KarenK*

      David Sedaris is hilarious. Willie Nelson’s autobiography, It’s a Long Story: My Life, is great, too. The Call the Midwife series is awesome. Neil Patrick Harris’ Choose Your Own Autobiography is very entertaining, as well. John Hodgman (the PC in the old Apple commercials, has three very funny books that I recommend: More Information than You Require, The Areas of My Expertise, and Vacationland. Bill Bryson’s books are great.

    6. anonagain*

      Jenny Lawson’s books are hilarious, but intense as far as mental health issues.
      I also enjoyed Shrill by Lindy West, Heads in Beds by Jacob Tomsky, Troublemaker by Leah Remini.

      Jon Ronson’s the Psychopath Test kept me awake for, like, a week…

      For fiction, I recently listened to Sweetness #9, which I really liked. Also, Maria Semple’s books are both really good.

    7. IWD*

      Dreamland by Sam Quinones, all about the opiate epidemic in America and how it came to be. It’s a 13-hour audio book that I listened to on a recent road trip. He’s an investigative journalist who really fleshes out the characters and different aspects of the problem, and it was riveting all the way through.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I actually read that hard copy a couple years ago – it was indeed very good, though sobering.

  65. Mimmy*

    Wishful thinking:

    I sometimes wish this site had a private message feature. I occasionally find myself wanting to communicate back-and-forth with another reader, but don’t want to get into a long conversation that adds to an already-enormous thread, e.g. the knowledge-swap thread (over 3,000 replies!!! O_O)

    I know a PM feature is not possible on this site. I’m just curious if other readers have felt the same or if they’ve found ways to help one another offline. Probably not, since most here seem to value anonymity and privacy (which I completely respect).

    I know we had a LinkedIn group, but I think someone said recently that it got taken down.

    3. FD*

      Yeah, I think the problem with that though is that it could become hard to moderate for Alison. Here in the open forum she can identify problem behaviors, and ban users when needed. We also self-police a lot by telling people if their behavior isn’t acceptable.

      Adding private messages would A) add an entire feature she alone would have to moderate and B) reduce the social pressure to behave for users as they would likely feel they could act out privately.

      (Most people would probably use it just fine but I think it could easily become a huuuuuge headache given that this is a one-mod community.)

    4. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Yep. There are loads of people I wish I had the ability to get in touch with through the site without having to post my email address in public. But it’s never gonna happen, soooo…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          Yeah but for other people to see it and be able to email me I’d have to put it in the text of the comment.

  66. Casuan*

    Possessive apostrophe with a word that ends with an “s”?
    cats’
    vs
    cats’s

    Discuss!

    I’m pro cats’… such as “The cats’ human is named Alison.”

    3. fposte*

      British favors the first, American the second. Specific style usages will depend on the house style that you’re writing to.

      1. nep*

        So there are some house styles that would call for cats’s as the possessive? I can’t fathom that’s a word.

        2. fposte*

          No, I lost my head in the heat of threading–that’s true for proper nouns ending in s, not for plural nouns. So forget everything I said. I wasn’t even here.

          1. nep*

            Singulars as in Zeus’s or Socrates’s — right?
            I love exchanges like this. It all makes me re-examine / review my grasp on punctuation.

            1. nep*

              (Actually I think AP changed a while back, eliminating the need for the s after the apostrophe here…I’d have to check. I think this (proper / singular) is certainly one that depends on style guide.)

    4. FD*

      Plurals ending in -s should always get apostrophe with no following s, from what I understand (i.e. “the cats’ bed).

      Where it gets hairy is in singular words and proper noun that end in s. Example, should it be lens’ or lens’s? Texas’ or Texas’s? There doesn’t seem to be an absolute rule there, though I was generally taught that common nouns take apostrophe + s while proper nouns take apostrophe only.

    5. KR*

      I hate the apostrophe after the s. It just looks wrong to me even though I know it’s correct. I’ll usually try to find some other way to phrase it instead of putting the apostrophe there.

      1. Lcsa99*

        This.

        My brother actually has a name ending in s and I got pretty good at working around it. I just think the double s is kinda ugly.

  67. anon for this post*

    How do you keep your thoughts to yourself when people make completely different choices than you would make and wouldn’t hear or disregard your advice?

    My cousin just had a baby. Due to a medical issue she had a planned and medicated c-section and was not conscious during the birth because she didn’t want to be. Due to an autoimmune issue she did not breastfeed and was not interested in donor breast milk. Even though we get a year to 18 month of mat leave in Canada she went back to work after 3 months because she wanted to and could not stand being at home with him.

    My wife and I have 2 children. Both were unmediated home births, we each had one pregnancy and both were exclusively breastfed for 1 year and breastfed until they were past 3. Both my wife and I took the full year and went part time for a little bit when we each went back.

    I understand she can make her own choices. From online communities I know people with her medical issue and autoimmune issue who had a home or vaginal birth and did breastfed. She wasn’t interested in hearing about it. By going back to work after only 3 months they are losing money because of the daycare cost. She hated staying home and decided to go back. My wife and I both wanted to stay home but we need the income from both of us.

    I’m a mother and I can’t imagine turning down donor milk or hating being around my baby. She isn’t depressed and has no history of mental illness or postpartum depression. It’s not that (and I do know, her dad and my dad are twins, our mom’s are sisters and we were born one day apart, grew up next door to each other and live one street apart now. We are close and tell each other everything)

    I know it is none of my business. She is happy and her baby is not neglected. It’s not what I would have chosen. Advice or tips for how to let go and accept that your advice wasn’t wanted? I don’t want to be a jerk to her or alienate her. I know I can come on strong and I don’t want to be in her face about it. How do I let go and leave this alone?

    1. hello*

      I mean, just don’t bring it up with her. Like you said, you know it’s none of your business. It’s better for the baby that the mother is mentally healthy and this is what enables that.

      Also money really isn’t any of your business, even if it is family. She isn’t asking you to pay for childcare.

    2. TL -*

      None of these things you’re talking about have any “right” decision. Why are you so invested in how she raises her family?

      From another perspective:
      A C-section is the safest method of birth, for the baby. I think not wanting to be awake during major surgery is a quite understandable impulse. (It is far, far safer than a home birth.)

      Formula is much safer than donor milk, which is limited in how it can be screened and the difference between formula and breast-fed babies is about 8 colds and/or ear infections in the first year. That’s it.

      What, precisely, is wrong with wanting to be a working mother? Why aren’t you judging her partner for not staying home? She can both enjoy working and being with adults and being a mother. They are not mutually exclusive things.

      What works for you and your family is not what works for her and her family and you need to let go of the idea that there is some ultimate “right” way to parent and you’re doing it. You’re not. You’re making the decisions that are best for your family and that’s it.

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Oh gosh, yes at the home birth bit. Anon, how would you feel about being judged for the fact that if your baby had been born needing urgent medical care, you couldn’t have provided it because of the choices YOU made?

        If that question makes you angry…well, yeah. That’s pretty much how I felt reading your post. There is no one perfect choice when it comes to parenting. Every type of birth has risks, for example.

    3. fposte*

      It seems like you’ve realized, though maybe with some hard work, that this isn’t your business and that you need to hush your muffin about her childrearing choices, so good for you.

      Why do you think you’re struggling so much with somebody else’s choices, though? It might be worth thinking about that. Did you feel like being close meant you saw things the same way and that this means you’re not so close? You phrase it as her “hating being around her baby”–that is really, really not the same thing as hating being stuck at home. Whether it’s with a baby or a partner, love doesn’t correlate directly to the amount of hours you want to spend in a small space with them. Do you feel like her choice reflects on yours in some way, or maybe calls your certainty about it into question? Could yours be the right choice for *you* without being the right choice for everybody?

      1. Forking Great Username*

        fposte, you are so good at being calm and reasonable in your questioning. Are there any topics that cause you to lose that ability, or are you just always able to remember that the calmer tone is pretty much always more effective?

      2. oranges & lemons*

        To add to this comment, maybe this comes down mainly to worry for someone who is dealing with all of this a little later than you are, and is choosing to do things differently. When I’ve felt most frustrated/upset with the choices of people I’m close to, it’s usually because I’m worried about them and afraid they’re making a mistake that will hurt them later (and essentially projecting my own anxieties onto them). Are you concerned that she’s going to regret her decisions later? Because so far, it seems like her approach is working out fine.

    4. Casuan*

      How do you keep your thoughts to yourself when people make completely different choices than you would make and wouldn’t hear or disregard your advice?

      I remind myself that there are billions of people in the world who are making choices with which I don’t agree & that the majority of them wouldn’t care at all about my opinions or thoughts.
      And that essentially, the person who provoked this reminder is simply one of them.
      It’s futile to try to reach them all.

      It can be frustrating & hurtful when you know someone wouldn’t be interested in your thoughts & suggestions. This is also a good thing in that you don’t spend time trying to help someone who is determined not to listen, understand, &or be willing to be convinced that they should try something different. Instead, you can try to use that time to discuss things that do interest you both.

      Oh, another tactic I use is to think of how things would be if the situation were reversed. Often I need to use both of these tactics.

    5. Forking Great Username*

      Whoa, some really unfair assumptions you’re jumping to here. Especially for someone who doesn’t want to be a jerk about it. For example, you just said that hating being a stay at home mom = hating being around your baby. Really? There are SO many other reasons and possibilities for why she wanted to return to work so early. She missed the frequent adult interaction, for example – and no, joining a playgroup and going for walks or whatever is really not the same thing. Assuming that it means she hates being around her baby is incredibly judgmental and unkind.

      And most of these things are incredibly unlikely to make a difference down the road. My story is pretty similar to that of the woman you’re trashing here. I had a hard pregnancy where I had to take medications such as zofran and in the end I had to have a c-section. My cousin’s wife, who I get along with super well, had a home water birth. I switched to formula after a short time because of medication I needed, and I had concerns about donor milk (it’s really not as simple of a process as you make it out to be.) She breastfed for the first couple of years. I went back to school when my youngest was 4 months because I so missed spending my time around people who could hold actual conversations. Her husband is a stay at home dad. Our kids are now five and six, and guess what? You would never know about any of these differences. We both have healthy, bright, kind children.

      You let this go by realizing that, yeah, sorry, but you’re kind of being a jerk. How would you feel is someone told you that you obviously hate being around your children because you’re a working mom? That if you REALLY loved them and cared about what was best for them, you would move to a smaller house or something and cut all the corners possible financially to stay at home with your child? You would probably think that was pretty unfair. And it is. Your current income level is probably necessary for certain things that bring you happiness, whether that’s vacations, date nights, cable TV, etc – all those little things that add up.

      It’s a hell of a lot easier to be a good parent when you’re happy. She is doing the right thing by doing what she needs to do in order to be a good, healthy, happy parent. And when I say a good parent, I don’t mean one who breastfeeds and has an unmedicated birth. I mean the kind of parenting that goes on throughout the child’s life – patience, teaching them, etc.

    6. Not That Jane*

      I was on the other end of a bunch of unwanted advice. My BIL’s girlfriend was trying to give us a ton of advice about our pregnancy, and was making suggestions that ran counter to our doctor’s advice despite being told we were not interested. (Obviously you are not that pushy! So on that dimension I’m not comparing.)

      Well, as it turned out, our birth situation went much differently than anyone could have envisioned, and if we had followed any of her advice our twins and I would probably all have died. Thinking about it now makes me really angry and sad.

      I guess the moral of my story is, you honestly never know what someone’s actual circumstances are (even someone as close as a cousin!) and your advice may be totally infeasible or unsuitable for them. Obviously as their child grows, if you think they are unhappy or unhealthy I think you can express concern… but right now, letting go of their different choices will ultimately protect your strong relationship with your cousin.

    8. Anon4now*

      You could view birth as something painful and traumatic, so much so that anyone who endures it has the right to go about it however they want. Women have fought long and hard to be able to make their own choices about how and when they give birth. Reducing a woman’s value based on her choices around motherhood is utterly backwards. Sorry, but it is. I was born by C-section for medical reasons and my 3 siblings weren’t. My mom loves/is annoyed by all of us equally. It’s not like her process of parenting me was any different as a result of the C-section. Any talk and relevance of your cousin’s C-section ended once the baby was born.

      Just because your country offers generous leave doesn’t mean that her personal career wouldn’t be stalled by taking a full year away from the office. It doesn’t sound like you’ve offered to reduce her childcare costs by taking care of her child for free during the workweek, so an opinion on finances isn’t warranted.

    9. Casuan*

      Fellow commenters, really?!?
      Anon has asked a thoughtful question based on a certain situation & all people are responding are judgments about the situation?

      Anon was genuinely asking for help & she was candid with the background infos. Most commenters are focussing on the situation & not responding to her original query of “How do you keep your thoughts to yourself when people make completely different choices than you would make and wouldn’t hear or disregard your advice?”
      Anon’s post conveys a genuine desire to help her cousin with her knowledge & the frustration that her cousin doesn’t even welcome this type of conversation. Anon understands her cousin isn’t receptive to her & she is trying to get past this.
      How are the judgments helping her?

      If this were one of AAM’s letters, we’d cry foul at this behaviour & I’m crying foul here.
      Of course, this is the Weekend-Free-for-All & anything goes… would some of you who commented & didn’t address Anon’s initial question please respond to it constructively? I shared methods that work for me & I’m interested to learn of what others do in these situations. :)

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        Sometimes a question can’t be answered until the lens is redirected. She wants help keeping her mouth shut. She thinks her feelings are correct; she just wants to know how to avoid voicing them. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong for women to point out when another woman is practicing misogyny. Activism isn’t pretty and it’s almost never pleasant. I’ll stand up to any woman who claims to think that another woman is lesser for not being a stay-at-home mom. That needs to be challenged. I don’t tolerate intolerance. Someone who has unkind, sexist views doesn’t get to play the victim when progressives express their own views.

      2. Forking Great Username*

        Yes, really. This was not a thoughtful question given the context of it. Anon did not merely ask how to deal with people close to you making bad choices and not listening to your advice. She went on a long rant about what a crap mom this person is and made a ton of unnecessary judgments based on someone making different parenting choices than her. Yes, she knows her cousin isn’t receptive to the judgments, but she doesn’t seem to realize how toxic the judging is in the first place. A whole lot more toxic than us pointing out how wrong this train of thought is.

      3. Overeducated*

        I think the situation actually matters here. The question of “how do I hold back when someone won’t listen to me” is very very different when the person’s actions are objectively bad and potentially harmful to the person asking (e.g. drug stuff, borrowing lots of money and throwing it away, etc), because then the answer is often “that is terrible, so withdraw to save your own sanity, finances, family etc. if you have to.” It is NOT the same here. Maybe OP needs to hear from a neutral audience that the cousin’s choices are not objectively bad, harmful to the kid, or worth harming their close relationship over. Maybe OP does need to withdraw for a while, but not because the cousin’s doing anything wrong, just to hold herself back.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      For you, these things might be unthinkable, and it’s coloring your perception. You’re really seeing this through your own lens. That is understandable—we all look at stuff differently. The challenge is to see it from the other person’s point of view.

      I think if you concentrate on “She is happy and her baby is not neglected,” every time you feel the urge to chime in about her choices, that will help redirect you.

      1. Casuan*

        Elizabeth, I love how you phrased this!
        I need to keep your first paragraph in mind for my own life. :)

      3. Reba*

        Yes, exactly. Anon for this post seems to be working from the perspective that it is obvious that the relative’s choices are bad. Anon, NONE of the things you have listed put your relative or her baby in harm’s way. None! So there is nothing to worry about with the baby. What is there left to advise on?

        I hope it will help dampen the urge to advise if you spend some time reflecting on why you want to so much. Their choices are not yours, but remember, no one is being harmed. So where is your sense of urgency coming from?

        If you want and you are close to the relative, you can try to change the dynamic of how you interact, by asking her how things are going, rather than advising or explaining what you did.

    11. Loz*

      Keep telling yourself this when you feel the urge to give her advice or question her approach:
      – I am not an expert in anything relevant to this situation
      – She does not appear to be making any blatantly wrong choices, just ones I disagree with.
      – Her baby is well and healthy
      – Money is not my business
      – Not my choices, but still valid choices.

      Then keep quiet. Change the topic of conversation on if you have to. (“We’re not going to agree on …. so let’s move on”)

      1. To your point*

        Good advice, though I’m not sure I would say the “We’re not going to agree on…” part – it seems to me that opens anon up for the potential for arguments. I may be overly defensive though

        1. KR*

          Maybe something like, “Hattie that’s so interesting to hear. I couldn’t imagine going back to work so soon, but I’m glad that you’ve made a choice that works for you and your baby.” Even if OP isn’t feeling glad about it, training themselves to say they’re glad about it may have a “Fake it till you make it” affect?

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I have several things that might be helpful or worthless.

      I used to worry about other people’s choices too much. Well, I thought it was too much, so probably it was.
      My wise friend told me to trust that people gravitate towards the choices that are right for them. We can’t run two stories concurrently, so all we ever get to see is how the one choice they do make plays out. It’s not a choice we would make because we know for a fact that it would not work for us. Yet they make it work okay. That is kind of a marvel if you stand way back and distance yourself. They made something work for them that would never work for us. So you can substitute in with sincerely marveling. I have seen people pick things that I would make a total jackass of myself if I did it. They pull it off with grace and success.

      Another thought. She wants to tell you how wrong you are with your choices also. Do you really want to endure that conversation?

      Next. Define love. Love can look like, “I love you enough to place my love for you AHEAD of my concern for your choices.”

      Last. Consider this practice. Because, I can tell you from first hand experience, it will come up over and over and over again in life. People are so proud to tell me, “I bought a house that is twice what I can afford.” noooooo. Don’t tell me these things. Okay this gets down right exhausting for one thing, they are not me and that was annoying. I had two choices, I could be right or I could have their friendship. I could only have one, which one did I want?

      I am saying this gently, because I think you have mentioned this before. My wise friend used to say when we dwell on things in other people’s lives it might be because we want to fix something in our own lives but we won’t/can’t/gave up. Beef up your own game, fill your head with new things to be doing and thinking about.

      Cousin relationships can be wonderful. But there is such a thing as too close. I think you guys need to give each other space to define your own lives and how you want your lives to go. In the end, I found I had to have several ways of thinking about things, because I could not get one method to work each time. Finally as I got older and more tired, I was more able to just stop and focus on my own stuff.

    13. Temperance*

      I think you need to reframe your thinking. You say that you “understand” that she can make her own choices, but you feel that yours are superior. No offense, but I can sense your judgment through the computer. She doesn’t “hate” being around her kid. She just likes to work. That’s fine! I think it’s important for children, especially boys, to see women working. I would be mind numbingly bored stuck home all day with an infant, and I imagine that your cousin is in the same boat. I kind of hate the gender essentiallist thinking that women must be happy only being a mother, and must do so in one specific way.

      I can’t imagine using other people’s bodily fluids to feed my kid. That’s super disgusting to me, as a germaphobe.

    14. Anona*

      I would try to let it go, and remember that with parenting, there is no perfect way to do things that works for everyone. It’s great that the choices you made worked for you, and that hers work for her.

      That’s what feminism is- allowing women to make choices that are right for them, even if they’re not right for everyone.

    15. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I think everyone gets that feeling now and then, when you really want to offer advice or guide someone, but they’re just not in the space to hear it. Here are some operating principles that I find useful when I’m in that headspace:

      1. It’s actually okay to judge people. Sometimes that can be a way of figuring out what’s going on with ourselves. When I find myself getting really invested in someone else’s choices (and believe me, I do), it’s usually because I’m feeling a little insecure about that part of my own life, and looking for reassurance about my own choices. Choices related to babies feel very high-stakes for people, so that may be at play. Also, sometimes I think I’m judging someone, but I’m actually kind of jealous! Regardless, it’s truly okay to judge people a little, as long as you treat them with kindness.

      2. People are different from me in ways that I cannot and probably will never fully understand. Empathy is great, but sometimes accepting that you just disagree with someone’s choices is a way of making peace with yourself.

      3. I really think that in the society we live in, there is no golden ticket option when it comes to stuff like labor, being a working parent, etc. so I think we do have a responsibility to be as supportive as we can around those choices. It sounds like you want to do this, which is great! Maybe consider it an investment in your relationship. The more supportive and kind you are to her now, the more likely she’ll be to seek out advice from you later (maybe).

      1. Lissa*

        Yes, we all have judgmental thoughts, and it’s easy to tell ourselves “it’s different because my opinion is right!” I try to always remind myself that no matter how correct I believe (know! :)) I am, the people on the other side of it are just as certain – and how would I react if they were to behave to me the way I might want to?

        I am not sure that your opinions will ever stop being your opinions or that you’ll be able to will yourself into not being judgmental, OP. I am a jerk in my head about SO many things and have long told myself that I’m awful for thinking these things, as well as had other people talk about how anyone who thinks/judges is awful, and I still can’t stop myself from believing what I believe.

        I don’t know that anything people here have said about why she’s making the choices she is will change your mind – they make a lot of good points though, and perhaps reading some “personal” articles from people who made different choices could be of benefit. But, sometimes you just can’t stop feeling a way, and the best you can do is keep it to yourself. In a case like that yeah it’s just better to try to not bring the topic up. Resist any urges to backdoor it, or “just ask questions” where your judgment comes out. Maybe think about why it’s bugging you – are you feeling your judges for your own choices? Do you really think her child is worse off? etc.

      2. Casuan*

        Everyone judges. That’s just who we are.
        It’s what we do with those judgments that matter.

    16. Yetanotherjennifer*

      It must be so hard to see her turn down the very thing that both you and your wife want and value so much. Since you’re so close, next time you could express the feelings that are underneath your advice. It seems you know she is the best one to decide what is right for her just as you the best one to decide what is right for you. Parenthood is a tough gig no matter how you manage it and I’m glad you want to let go and keep the relationship. As to how, I don’t know. Maybe by switching the topic to the weather when you feel jealous or like giving unsolicited advice. What I do know is it’s late here and I’m too tired to put a pretty ending on this. Good luck!

    17. M*

      I think it means talking about other topics and I applaud you for realizing that your relationship is more important. When I found myself struggling with this, I had a few sessions with my Employee Assistance Program counselor and it really was helpful to get a framework of what and why not to say things from a professional.

    18. Overeducated*

      I think it hurts to see other people seemingly carelessly giving up things you wish you had more of, like time before returning to work.

      But maybe it would help to make up a story about your cousin (that may or may not be true) where she also hurts seeing you get things that she wanted but felt she couldn’t have. You may know people with her condition who had a vaginal birth and nursed, but you may not know that she wanted those things but her doctor’s advice was against it due to her specific case. (I don’t know a single person who had a C section who wouldn’t have preferred a vaginal birth, it was always medical necessity.) There isn’t really such a thing as “turning down donor milk,” it takes special effort to get, I didn’t know it existed until I spent a LOT of time on nursing advice forums during maternity leave. Think of how it might feel if she actually wanted the “ideal” experience you had but couldn’t make it work for detailed reasons you may not know, and then think of how she might feel if you questioned her about it and implied she just didn’t care enough about her baby. That would be really rough and would probably hurt your relationship in the long term.

      Also, as a US mom who doesn’t get a year of leave, I don’t really understand people who are excited to go back to work at 3 months either. I knew a lot in my new parent’s group and I NEVER said a thing, because being a working mom of a baby just plain old sucks in a lot of ways and we need to stick together and support each other or it will be even worse for us all.

    19. Menacia*

      Write how you feel to get it out and then treat her with the same respect about her choices that you would want to be treated about yours.

    20. Anon for personal discussion*

      I want to tell you the story of my first baby, because I think it might help you a little bit in understanding how people can come to decisions that are different from yours but still valid.

      I’m a midwife. I attend home (and hospital, and birth centre) births. I support breastfeeding families. I believe in birth, I think it’s incredible that we can make the perfect food for our babies with our bodies, and most of all, more than anything, I believe in choice.

      You never know somebody’s story. Ever. You only see pieces of it. That’s why I have to trust my clients to make the best choice for them. That’s why I have to trust all the people in my life to make the best choice for them, too.

      I have a rare disease that requires chemotherapy treatment. In pregnancy, my usual chemotherapy was contraindicated, so I used an injectable form that made me feel much sicker than I do on my usual pills. I also injected blood thinners. I also spent the duration of the pregnancy terrified all the time, because I was sick and that meant my baby could be sick, or even die. I was too sick to work. I felt like I was going to die. It was horrible.

      I had a high-risk obstetrician for my pregnancy because of my illness. She’s a colleague at the hospital where I have privileges, and I knew her to be supportive, evidence-based, and person-centred. She gave me amazing care. Because of my disease, we had initially planned an induction of labour for 39 weeks, but she told me that if things were going well and the monitoring we were doing looked OK, we could negotiate a later birthday if I felt strongly about letting my baby cook longer. That’s because we’d worked together lots and she knew I didn’t love early inductions, because I think our bodies generally know when our babies need to be born.

      I walked into her office at my 36-week visit and said, “I’m done. How much worse is it for my baby if we move the induction to 38 weeks?” I really felt like I couldn’t take it any more. I felt like I might not even make it that two extra weeks. We talked about the risks and benefits and she booked me for a 38-week induction.

      I had the induction. I had an epidural – something few of my clients do! I gave birth to my baby.

      Baby was born tongue-tied and breastfeeding was very difficult in the first weeks. I’ve supported hundreds of families in this situation. I accessed all the resources that I recommend to clients. I had a lactation consultant. I pumped. I used nipple shields. In the end, I had to make the decision whether or not to have baby’s tongue tie released. I also had to make the decision whether I would stay on the same medication I was taking during pregnancy – injections that made me feel awful – or whether I would go back to my usual medication, which I felt fine on but which would mean I had to stop breastfeeding.

      I went back on my usual drugs and gave my baby formula at two weeks old.

      Did my baby get the benefit of being born at or beyond 40 weeks? No.
      Did I get the benefit of experiencing the birth centre water birth of my dreams? No.
      Did my baby get the benefits of breastfeeding? No.

      My baby DID get the benefit of a parent who wasn’t so sick she wanted to cry every moment of the day.
      I DID get the benefit of knowing that my needs and desires were important and respected.
      My baby DID get the benefit of having feeding time be a joyful time of bonding, instead of a painful experience with a sick parent.

      I made the right choices, and I have a kid who is thriving and happy and loved and loving. The choices I made might not have been right for someone else – there are people in my situation who take the injectable meds and breastfeed, or who fight to stay pregnant to 42 weeks. But they were right for us.

      You will never, ever know what factors contribute to someone’s decision-making. You never, ever know what decisions are best for someone else. You say your cousin tells you everything? All you know is that she tells you what she tells you. I can guarantee you that if you’re that close, she knows you’re judging her, because she knows you. And she might well feel really uncomfortable opening up to you about the stuff that’s hard for her as a result. You do not know, and you will never know, what things people keep from you because they’re scared, or embarrassed, or ashamed.

      How can you let it go? By realizing you never had it to begin with. Please be kind to the people in your life, and please respect that they, not you, are the experts on their own lives.

      2. Not That Jane*

        Yes! I love this perspective. You said so much better what I was trying to say too.

      3. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        Thank you.

        Your story gives me hope. As someone who deals with the challenges of chronic illness, and what it can look like in pregnancy and parenthood, this is…wonderful to read. It makes me feel better about the choices I will likely have to make.

        OP, the whole world is full of people who tell us how to live our lives. Don’t add to those voices. Breathe, focus on your sweet baby, and let it go.

    21. LCL*

      From my perspective, unmedicated home birth and the pressure to do so is just another way to glorify women’s suffering and risk our life and health and keep us repressed. I agree with the Skeptical OB, but not her approach because she is a jerk about it. I would never say any of this to you or any woman who told me she did natural birth at home because it’s not my business. If you brought it up, I would nicely redirect the conversation to your children and how they are doing.

    22. Sylvan*

      I’m not a parent, I probably won’t ever be one, and I don’t feel qualified to give advice on that.

      However, I was born very prematurely. I spent the first couple of weeks of my life in the NICU, where nurses gave me plenty of attention, but my parents couldn’t hold me or care for me daily like most parents would. I was fed formula instead of breastmilk because I was too lactose intolerant for any kind of milk.

      I wouldn’t know any of this if nobody had told me. The things I just described were sources of enormous stress for my parents, obviously, but not for me. I don’t think about whether my parents could or should have done anything differently. I feel sympathy for what they went through. That’s it.

      This stuff you’re talking about right now, her baby won’t even remember. Her baby’s being loved and taken care of. That’s all a kid that young can want. Can you make a blanket judgment that if the baby is being loved and cared for, everything is good? Even if it’s different from what you would do in her shoes?

    23. Blue Bird Yellow*

      Woah. I don’t even plan to have a baby but your post gives me anxiety. There’s a lot to unpack. Forgive me for saying so, but you appear to be one of those mothers who have a very fixed idea about the right way to parent a child and the wrong way.

      The fact that you think an unmediated home birth is an accomplishment and a c-section under anesthesia makes someone a bad mother? If my uterus were to be sliced open, you can bet I wouldn’t want to be conscious for that either. I know there are a lot of mommy blogs that claim that c-sections traumatize children and are the worst thing ever, that you’re not a real mom or a good mom if you don’t do it the ‘natural’ way, but damn am I happy that c-sections are an option. I was born with a c-section, and my mother would have died if she couldn’t have had that procedure. Oh, and she was anesthetized! I’m very grateful for that. (And for what it’s worth, we have a great relationship; I never had developmental problems or any of the other issues attributed to the feared c-section).

      Furthermore, I find it alarming that you seem to be advocating so much for home births, given their much higher mortality rates and the greater risk of complications. (Especially if previous issues are already present, as is the case with your cousin!)

      And the fact that you think working means hating your children…that left me speechless.

      Your entire vibe seems extremely judgemental (i.a. “what’s right for me is right for everyone”) and I just wish I could tell all mothers that other mothers aren’t their enemy. That they don’t need to spend time to put them down…being a young mother is hard enough without other mothers making your life harder. You’re basically inventing hoops for other people to jump through by creating your own rigid standards (a birth needs to be at home; a birth needs to be natural; a birth needs to be unmedicated; a mother needs to breast-feed; mothers don’t go to work). The question is, why? Do you want to feel morally superior? Do you need to feel that you’re doing the right thing, that you’re being a good parent? Are you ambitious and want to excel at this new task? Do you feel resentful that your life changed so much?

      For your own well-being, please look at your motivations and support your cousin rather than silently fuming because she chooses to parent differently.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Blue Bird Yellow said this so well. Home births are more dangerous. C-sections tend to only be done when they’re necessary.

        Also, isn’t it better for the mother to be at work and feel happy instead of staying with the baby all day because she thinks she should if she’s miserable? That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like the baby; it might just mean she needs some time away.

    1. NaoNao*

      Best: Got a free lunch at my second (weekend) job today!
      Worst: minutes before work, got a *super* tenacious smudge on my brand new for work only very expensive pants! Eventually got it out but it cast a cloud on my day.

    2. paul*

      Both: moving sucks. It really sucks. OTOH, I’m sure Dallas has lots of cool stuff to do and see. I’m really trying to talk myself into being excited about living in a large metro. I think there’s apartment complexes in Dallas that have more people than the town I went to high school in…

    3. Elizabeth West*

      WORST: It has been 16 months since I last worked. D: I could have a toddler by now. Come on, universe. I might have to wait a little longer for some other stuff (hurry up), but I need a decent damn you-know-what *now*.

      BEST: Excellent critique from beta reader (see comment upthread). I am now eating a corned beef and potato pasty with aioli and it is delicious. Mmm.

    4. Mimmy*

      Best: Although it’s still a bit chilly and there are still patches of snow, the weather has been pleasant in the last few days. The air feels so nice and the sun is starting to get nice and bright.

      Worst: My mom’s close friend passed away on Tuesday after a 2.5 year battle with cancer. Our two families have known each other since we were kids. One of the daughters posted thorough and beautifully written updates throughout their mom’s treatments and in her final days. It really made me appreciate how important it is to have family around.

    5. KR*

      Best: Hung out with a good friend today and may see another good friend tomorrow. I was sick in the beginning of the week and had to go into work late but I am mostly better now. My tattoo is also completely healed and to the kind soul that warned me a few weeks ago about sepsis and the flu having the same symptoms , I didn’t end up having it but I appreciate the warning and I did get it checked out just in case.

      Worst: I fell on the sidewalk last night and scraped up my leg pretty bad. It doesn’t hurt as much now but it still stings a lot. I have also been feeling really fatigued all this week which makes it hard to do chores. I pretty much go to work, come home, walk my dog, and then go straight to bed. I even skip dinner because I am so tired.

    6. HannahS*

      Best: Caught up with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a while, and it was lovely.

      Worst: Not the worst thing ever, but spent the an evening midweek getting to know my brother’s new girlfriend, and while there’s nothing wrong with her I don’t think it’s going to end well. He seems to be in love with her and I just don’t see that they’re great partners for each other. The conversation was the kind of conversation that my brother would normally find really grating and boring, except that he stared at her adoringly with stars in his eyes and gently touched her hair and held her and it’s just like, dude, you’re hearing what she’s saying too, right? If it was anyone else, you’d really dislike this. She talks a lot, in kind of…a young way, I guess? A bit frivolous and repetitive. She is quite a bit younger, and it shows. I know my bro’s been really lonely. I think he has a lot of love in his heart that’s going unspent and here’s a woman who, genuinely, is a sweet and kind person. And from his history, I know he falls in love with women who will absolutely not be good partners to him–not unkind, bad-values women, just really, really incompatible women, because he loves one or two things about them. And this woman seems like a nice person with some similar hobbies, but who does not fulfill the things he previously stated he wanted and needed. So, I guess I’m concerned for him, either that he’ll make some kind of major commitment to this woman–I’m pretty sure he thinks ‘this is it’ and he’s not someone who thinks that the concept of the honeymoon period applies to HIS judgement–oh no, not him–or that she’ll break up with him and he’ll be heartbroken. And I also feel like a jerk going, “Gee, I hope you dump this new girlfriend you’re so delightedly excited about.” But I do feel that way. Oh, well.

    7. StellaBella*

      BEST: Being done with the taught portion of my uni as of Friday. On a short break now.
      WORST: Getting news from two friends this week about poor health: a close friend called, to tell me that her bone cancer is back and it is not good news. Am making plans to go visit. And my best friend’s husband is very sick with hearth and lung issues (he is only 47).

    8. Always Anon*

      Best: eat frequently at a local restaurant. Yesterday they picked up my bill. When I said you didn’t need to do that, the owner replied “we like to treat our VIPs well.”
      Worst: thought Yesterday was going to be my first work-free day in two weeks. I was wrong.

    9. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: Reunited with grad school friend for brunch with our respective fiance(e)s. Hadn’t seen for 6 years, it was amazing.

      Also good: book sales, slow Saturday relaxation, leek soup, reading on Elizabeth I while watching the Tudors.

      Worst: FI’s brother (our best man) lost 2 friends in a car crash. :(( He went to an informal wake and seems ok outwardly but lord knows this is a shock to him..

    10. Woodswoman*

      Best: I went for a beautiful walk at a wetland at a wildlife refuge and my friend and I were the only people there. A few of the ducks that typically winter in the area were still around and hadn’t yet headed north for the year. I savor every time I still get to see them before they’re gone.

      Worst: The toe sprain that refuses to heal is sore after the walk, and I’m once again sedentary and missing out on spring wildflower season.

    11. Handy nickname*

      BEST: I moved yesterday!! Out of my family home and into a lovely apartment that is allllll mine and it is wonderful. Someone said moving out (at least from semi-overbearing/helicoptery parents) is like exhaling after inhaling for 18 years, and let me tell you, it feels so amazing to b.r.e.a.t.h.e

      WORST: Saying goodbye is the friggin worst, especially to the people I love more than anything in the world and who I’ve lived with for the past 20-odd years. It was time to move, I’m very happy in my new place, and I needed to not live with my family anymore, but we are close and I love them so much, and I will miss seeing them every day.

    12. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Ran a 5k this weekend and felt pretty good about the run even though my training sucked for weeks before.

      WORST: Having a “people are THE worst” stretch at the moment. Kind of depressing.

  69. Little Bean*

    Should I respond to random messages from exes? I have been in a relationship with my now-fiance for over 2 years. Occasionally, out of the blue, I’ll get a text from an ex. Sometimes it’ll be like a “hey, I know you probably don’t want to hear from me but I’m in the area, blah blah blah”. Sometimes it’s just like a “this made me think of you” or “happy birthday”. It’s sometimes in the middle of the night, but sometimes not. Anyway, is there any purpose in replying to these? I’ve been ignoring them but I’m wondering if, now that I’m engaged, I should just say that and it would probably forestall any future random messages. For the record, I have not had any communication with these guys since I’ve been with my current partner, other than these sporadic texts.

    1. fposte*

      Not if you don’t want to. You never have to respond to random messages unless you want to.

    2. Casuan*

      This depends on intent.
      If you think the ex in question wants to hook up, then you can reply with “Enjoy the city! It’s where I met my fiancé!”
      If you’re amicable then it’s good to reply to a thinking-of-you text with a thank you. It isn’t a bad idea to say that you’re engaged.
      If the thinking-of-you text is risqué, then ignore or lol it & say that you’re engaged & wish them well.
      The only wrong decision here is if you were to lead them on in any way. I’m for letting the exes know that you’re engaged because they can opt out of texting you at all if they know you’re no longer available. You’re also not wrong blocking numbers or ignoring texts.

      Congratulations on your engagement!

      1. Anona*

        Yep, when an ex emailed me to let me know he was getting married, I wished him well, said that my husband and I are expecting our first child, and haven’t heard from him sense. Sometimes a nice love life update shuts things down. It makes it clear that you’ve moved on, but have no hard feelings.

        If he had kept emailing I would have stopped responding/blocked him.

    3. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I vote no! If you don’t want to talk or meet up, you don’t need to respond.

  70. Sorgatani*

    Army update:
    After all that work (and I got there not just on time but with half an hour to spare), I didn’t get further than the psych interview.
    The short version is that I couldn’t hide my nerves or anxiety. So now I’ve got a referral to get my anxiety and/or depression treated (or even diagnosed), and a recommendation to join some clubs.
    Meanwhile, it’s another year in which to work on my health. That’s expanded to include my head.
    I’m still reeling from it, but I intend to stick with this dream until I think of another thing to pursue.

    1. nep*

      Thanks for the update.
      I can imagine what a blow that must have been.
      Might be too early to see it this way right now — but this is exactly how we learn and grow into our best selves. I truly believe that.
      You did an impressive, important thing putting yourself out there like that, and working toward this test/interview. Only continued learning and growth going forward.
      All the best. Peace.

  71. Aurora Leigh*

    Camping thread!

    Tell me your camping stories, tips, and tricks!

    Boyfriend and I have our first trip of the year coming up in mid April and I’m so excited!

    1. Casuan*

      My tip is not to go camping. :)
      Once when camping with friends, we were sitting around the fire & there was a ruckus in the tree above us. Two things fell from the tree & one landed just a few inches in front of me. My friend yelled “Casuan, don’t move!” & I realised that the thing was a big-ass snake. That almost landed on top of me. I never did see what the other creature was. After a moment, BAS recovered & with the help of my friend he slid off into the woods.

      If I did go camping again, then I’d want a comfy pillow. And much bug repellant. And a quick-thinking friend.

      all that said…
      Enjoy your camping trip!!

      1. Casuan*

        ps: I just realised that “enjoy your camping trip” might read as snarky; it isn’t!

        I truly hope you have an amazing time!
        :-D

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Aww poor snakey. I’m glad he *and you* were okay.

          I’ve been raking up sweet gum balls since it’s spring and I often disturb a garter snake sunning itself. I AM SORRY I TAPPED YOU WITH THE RAKE LITTLE SNEK BUT YOU ARE NOT MAKING YOURSELF VISIBLE ENOUGH

            1. Julianne*

              I had to Google this. To me, they look like big burrs, I realized I’ve seen them before but they’re not common anywhere I’ve lived, which is probably why I’ve never heard that name before.

            2. Elizabeth West*

              I do not slay them. Snakes are valuable animals that eat mice and garter snakes eat slugs, which I hate.

              Gum trees make these spiky seed pods. They look like koosh balls but are sharp. They also hang around forever–once I composted some and dug them up a year later and they were still there. -_-

              The only way to get rid of them is to rake them up as they fall (so it’s not one huge job) and have my yard man haul them away. And they blow off into my neighbor’s yard. Since it’s my tree making the mess, I rake them out of his and into the pile in mine. I wish I had a pine tree–people who want mulch and cones would offer to take it away for free.

              1. Casuan*

                I do not slay them.

                I as going to go with “Tapper of Snakes” although I decided that “Slayer” was more alliterative.
                I’m sorry if I offended you!

              2. Clever Name*

                I have 5 huge ponderosa pines and I love them. I’ve spent the last 2 days picking up cones and redistributing pine straw to my flower beds, and I have probably another day to go. I end up just tossing the cones because in Colorado there isn’t exactly a market for pine cones. :)

                I do love the smell of sweetgum pods though. It reminds me of my grandparents house in St Louis.

    2. Roja*

      Make sure all your light sources work before you go… Hubby and I went camping for the first time (my first time, his definitely not, he’s done backpacking and stuff) and we brought a lantern that had been a wedding gift. Well, it had been so long since we used it that the wick crumbled. And then our fire burned super fast, so we were stuck by like 8 or 9pm with no light besides a flashlight. Don’t be like us! Other than that we loved it though… but next time we’ll definitely do better on light sources.

    3. Lcsa99*

      My parents were very different people. My mother is a bit of a prankster, and my father – isn’t. And kinda had a temper. So of course one year when we were going camping, my mother decided to put a “dead body” that she had created for Halloween in the trunk of the car. Needless to say, it did not make my father happy and he ended up throwing it in the lake. (I was too young to remember this by the way, it was told to me years later.) I sometimes wonder what it would have been like for the people who found it after!

      My big suggestion is to make a list of everything you use on a day to day basis before you go, particularly with cooking, and make sure you bring what you need. My mother kept a running list of things we used when camping and we always had new things to add that we forgot last time.

    4. Lcsa99*

      Also, make sure you keep your food in a hard container, that can preferably be locked. There was one year we kept a “supply tent” separate from our sleeping tent. We woke up in the middle of the night hearing strange noises but couldn’t figure out where they were coming from, even with the guys exploring the campsite. Got up the next day to find they had chewed a hole in the supply tent and stuff was missing. Then there was the year we kept our food in the truck, and woke up the next morning to find bear slobber on the windows.

    5. Salt wat*

      Waterproof matches, lots of water, skillet from thrift store, clean rags, tarps (put one small or folded one inside tent door and leave shoes on it – no walking in tent in shoes! But still bring a whisk broom to clean up tent before breaking down).

      If you decide you’ll be camping often, when home make a list of things you thought of while camping that you’d like to have. Put it in the tote with other camping stuff. Makes the next time SO much easier.

        1. Belle di Vedremo*

          To go with the suggestion above of testing your lamps before you go, test everything. Put up the tent in the backyard. Cook something on your stove. Etc. We put up tents in the dark and in the rain, it helped a lot to know how it worked under good conditions. You might even want to to sleep in the tent in the backyard. That’ll tell you how comfy your sleeping bags are, and if they and your padding are sufficient. Testing at home means you can go back in to bed if what you have isn’t sufficient the first time.

          Pack some quick to eat but substantial snacks.

          Figure out how to set up inside the tent so that nothing is touching the walls, which can stress poles & if you have an old tent increase likelihood of leaks for heavy dew or rain.

          Be sure to pack your sense of humor and an extra dose of patience. Those come in handy at unexpected times.

          Have a great trip!

    7. Woodswoman*

      I second a number of these suggestions–test your gear in advance, locking up all your food away from animals, etc. If you’re going to a busy campground, earplugs are a lifesaver if you’re a light sleeper. Even when people aren’t particularly noisy, there’s just lots of people tromping around on their way to the bathroom, chatting at the site next to you later than you want, people with young kids who wake up earlier than you, etc.

      If bugs are an issue where you’re heading, good protection is essential. You don’t want to be hiding in your tent. I’ve found that wearing the right clothes is effective deterrent. Aan oversized baggy shirt, long pants, a baseball cap, and tucking my pants into my socks minimizes exposed skin and avoids having to use big amounts of bug juice.

  72. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So, I’m late to this thread because I am really sick today. And my wife is out of town until Monday evening, so I somehow have to keep 5 cats alive and fed and in clean litter regardless (mine and foster kitty, 2 kittens, 3 adults). Sneezing every two minutes or more, coughing with chest involvement, nose is constantly blocked, running, or both somehow, chills. I guess I should just be glad there’s no puking involved, because otherwise litterboxes would not be happening.

    And I also had to pick up foster kitty supplies and take a poop sample to the animal rescue half an hour away. Nothing like slinging 40 pounds of litter up a flight of stairs when you can’t breathe. I’m supposed to pick up the apartment tomorrow so Roomba can vacuum and then do the bedroom myself because it gets stuck and caught under the bed. While not complaining because I don’t want to seem negative (okay, I can be whiny or pessimistic sometimes, but I’m not doing it AT wife or anyone).

    If I were a Sim now, I would be shrieking “Ugh! Ne dar no wee nee!”

    1. KR*

      Loved that last part, especially since after I scroll through this open thread I’m going to power up Sims 3. One of my Sims just got married in a whirlwind romance and I’m trying to get his new wife into her lifetime goal career and get his sister to be more serious with her long time girlfriend. But I digress.

      I’m sorry that you’re feeling sick. I was recently sick and I found a hot shower really helped me feel well enough to go do what I absolutely needed to do for the day before I crashed in bed. Also, relaxing while propped up in bed might help reduce some of the coughing. I still can’t sleep flat right now because I end up coughing up a lung. Remember to hydrate! Feel better soon!

    2. Laura H*

      Is there a cat-friendly neighbor you could ask for help? Or people you like who like you, and cats and can be plied with promises of cat-time, lots of profuse thanking and maybe something social upon your return to health? Seems like entropy drop-kicked you pretty good Overcaffinated….

      And if that ick persists… you should get it seen to, it could become worse. But you prolly already know that.

      Feel better soon.

  73. Casuan*

    So… now I have A Stupid Just Cause to Fight.
    Apparently this is now a thing & I’m quite vexed about it.

    Ordering a drink “straight-up” has a surcharge…?!?
    Wtf?!?

    The justification is that “straight-up is more alcohol than on-the-rocks.”
    This baffles me. I don’t want more alcohol. I want the beverage made with ice & then I want the strained liquid.

    Someone told me that if they did this then the glass wouldn’t be filled, so that means more alcohol. Drinks are recipes & I’ve never seen a recipe that gives different measurements for neat or straight-up versions. If the bartender is altering the recipe to fill the glass then he is giving me something that I did not order.
    And I don’t care if the glass isn’t full. The Bar should be okay with not filling a glass because there are many reasons why a glass of liquid might not be full. The most obvious reason is that… I’m drinking from it.

    I shouldn’t be penalised because the bar has some misguided Bar Pride that I didn’t know about until I had my drink[s] & received the bill. If the charge were written on the menu or if I was told when I ordered the drink then I’d be [very reluctantly] more okay with this than not.

    When I order another drink straight-up then I’ll ask if there is a surcharge & if so, why. Depending on where I am & my mood, I’ll either ask to go to the bar so they can show me how my order is more alcohol or I’ll simply ask the server for a strainer [or fork & an extra glass] so I can straight-up my drink myself.
    Probably I’ll just do the latter & fantasise about the former, especially if the venue is busy. I’m not out to make restaurant & bar staff suffer; I simply want my drink with no ice & no bogus surcharge.

    Has anyone else noticed this trend?
    &or Can someone please explain this to me as to why this surcharge makes sense?

    1. Someone else*

      I have never experienced a bartender who would interpret “straight-up” as “beverage made with ice and then the ice strained out”. So, that’s something to consider that might make your drink order weird and/or more work that might be surcharge worthy. However I agree with you that the alcoholic drink’s recipe should be whatever it is and if the glass isn’t full due to absence of ice…then the glass isn’t full. A pour is what it is and costs what it costs. If you were asking for a double or something, sure change you for it, but a normal pour should have one price regardless of whether there’s ice in it.

      If it were a non-alcoholic drink then I would expect no ice to result in more drink, but not with booze.

        1. Someone else*

          Which bit of what I said are you asking about? I use straight up to mean “alcoholic drink that doesn’t have ice or water in it but has more than one ingredient” (as opposed to “neat” which is “alcoholic drink that doesn’t have ice or water in it and is poured straight from bottle to glass, not mixed or stirred or combined with anything else”). An alcoholic drink served straight up or neat has the same amount of alcohol in it as it would (should) if served with ice or water.
          Whereas, for example, if I ask for a Coke-a-cola without ice, I get more Coke than a person whose Coke contains ice. But if I ask for a Rum and Coke without ice, I don’t get more rum than a person with rum and Coke and ice.
          Is this not common?

          1. Lcsa99*

            I have actually had bartenders refuse to give me a rum and coke without ice specifically for this reason. It isn’t measured or regulated, so they would have to add more rum (yay) or more coke (boo) to fill the glass. I don’t care if its full, I just don’t want it that cold.

    2. BRR*

      I’ve never heard of that. I can’t imagine a bartender filling towards the level of a glasss, it’s always been by amount of liquor. If they are giving you more liquor that’s one thing, but again i imagine they pour a specific amount regardless of there being ice or not.

    3. KR*

      You know, I don’t know if I’ve ever been upcharged for it but I order my whiskey neat and I have encountered some really strange pushback on it. From bartenders at events telling me they “won’t pour shots” (I am going to drink this at a normal pace with water, I just hate anything in my whisky) or bartenders at bars insisting on putting ice in there or not giving me a full shot because there isn’t ice in there. I think part of it may be that I’m small and young-looking and bartenders think I can’t handle alcohol and don’t want to deal with me drunk.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Whaaaaa? Clearly these bartenders do not know what they are doing. I know that in the US you don’t usually use a measure when you pour, but the drink should be charged according to whatever the price of the pour is. It’s entirely normal to drink whiskey, and other similar things like cognac, neat. This push back and extra charges seem completely bonkers to me.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      I am genuinely learning so much about American culture from the AAM comment section! So do I understand from this that there aren’t laws where you are about measures for the sale of alcoholic drinks? Because here if you buy spirits in a pub/restaurant/bar/anywhere licensed, a single shot is legally defined as 25ml and you must be sold that or multiples thereof. So ice or no ice doesn’t affect it. Say if you asked for a scotch, you might specify/the barman may ask if you want a single or a double/large, then they’ll pour it and ask if you want ice which they’ll add, or not. Also the glass wouldn’t be full even if you did want ice – or do they serve a lot more ice with spirits in the US? Similarly, beer and cider is served in half pints or pints and accusations of “short measures” are a big thing!

      1. Lcsa99*

        I think this is so necessary and wish it were true in the US. I can’t tell you how often I have ordered a rum and coke that tasted like it didn’t have a drop of rum. It’s gotten to the point I only have wine when drinking outside of my home because it’s such a waste of money otherwise.

      2. Casuan*

        Actually I was surprised when I googled the up-charge for alcoholic beverages. I was amazed at all of the results. I don’t know about the laws on quantity. Americans usually use much more ice in their drinks than Europeans. Often the ice will go to the top of the glass.

        as for the charges…
        To me, it isn’t unlike the airlines that some charge extra to book via a telephone call, or extra to book at the airport, or extra to book online… Or the stupid Resort Fees & mandatory add-ons at many hotels. Just tell me the bloody price of the room & if I’m willing to pay that amount then I’ll make the reservation.

    5. Close Bracket*

      Do like me and ask for a glass of water with your drink and take the ice out of your drink and dump it in the glass of water (drink a little first). Extra points for being exactly like me and using your fingers.

      Where is this happening? Are you in the US? If yes, is this in chain bars or is this in independent bars? Chain bars almost certainly have a regulation about measuring using either a jigger or a timed/counted pour when pouring drinks. Do a little bit of data collection. Order a drink straight up and order a drink with the ice and watch how they pour. If you are in a chain restaurant/bar and they give you more booze when ordering straight up, I would complain to the manager because they are not supposed to do that (Source: am mystery shopper. Have done bar integrity shops. Pour method is one of the things they are judged on.) if it’s an independent place, I don’t know, maybe still have a word with the manager and tip well so you don’t breed resentment.

  74. Margo the Destroyer*

    So, has anyone read The Magicians Series by Lev Grossman? I am totally hooked on the show. Season 3 is running now and it is by far better than the other 2 seasons. I am interesting in reading the books as well, but would like some opinions from others who have read it and their take on the series. I know its going to be different from the show, that never bothers me.

    1. Gatomon*

      I read the first book a while ago, and just never came across the second or third books in stores. I’m really enjoying the show too, though there are some major differences. I decided not to reread the books while watching the show (so I don’t get grumpy about changes), but I believe Quentin is much closer to insufferable in the book than on TV. Also, I believe they were all undergrad age, not grad-school age, in the books. I think at least one of the TV characters doesn’t exist in the books, and the plot pieces from the first book that I remember are covered really quickly in season 1. The entire first book is spent wondering what happened to Julia.

      I remember enjoying the books a lot. At some point once the TV series is over, I’ll probably grab the other two and go through them all again.

    2. oranges & lemons*

      I didn’t realize there was a show! Sadly, while I didn’t mind the series and have read the first and second books, I had tons of people recommend the books to me and tell me how much I’d like them, and I was kind of disappointed by them. Maybe it was just the hype, but I found the Narnia-based stuff a bit off-putting–I just didn’t feel like a darker, edgier Narnia was something I needed in my life. I’m now curious to see what the show is like though!

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I read the first book and I’ve seen the show. I liked it but I cancelled my cable so I didn’t see the end of the second season. But I really enjoyed the first season.

    4. Effie, who is pondering*

      I HATED the book series and have chosen not to watch the show. I read the first two books a couple years ago, one after another, and found it incredibly sexist and Quentin insufferable. Or maybe Quentin is incredibly sexist since it was mostly his POV; either way I couldn’t handle it. I felt really tricked since it had so many glowing recommendations, and then I felt like there was something wrong with me when I tried searching online to find others who felt the same way about the series that I did.

      The third book, which I read about a year and a half after I read the first two, out of curiosity of how the series ended, gets a bit better but I didn’t think the series was worth my time.

      1. Sylvan*

        Q’s sexist, yes. It’s grating and it was a common theme in articles before the third book’s release (probably after, too, I just don’t remember). I can’t blame you for not dealing with it.

        [SPOILER ALERT for those who haven’t read]

        I felt that his sexism was tied to his immaturity, which was so extreme that he was the only student in his year without a discipline and didn’t have a discipline until he was 30ish in the third book.

        [/SPOILER]

        He’s not like that in the show, thank God. The show’s version of Quentin is easier to handle in a lot of ways.

      2. Reba*

        Effie, I felt much as you did about it — let down by the recurring descriptions of breasts and the generally reductive treatment of the women characters. I didn’t bother to pick up the other books.

        In the past I would have gotten past it, because I did love the idea of basically Dirtbag Harry Potter. But I really do not have the patience for that kind of thing anymore.

    5. CatCat*

      I have read three of the books and have seen the show. There are a lot of differences in the show and the books. I honestly like the show better (but I do enjoy the imagination of the books). You may be in for a shock on just how annoyingly self-absorbed Quentin is in the books. He’s not likeable at all.

      1. Margo the Destroyer*

        I honestly don’t find Quentin very likable on the show either though. My favorite characters are Penny, Josh, Margo and Elliot. I read somewhere that book Penny is much more like Quentin in the books.

        1. Sylvan*

          Q is horrible in the books, and most of your time is spent in his head, watching everything through his eyes.

          In complete honesty, he’s more fun to read when he’s a bird traveling to Brakebills South than when he’s a person.

    6. Jen Erik*

      Read the first book and in many ways really liked it – I thought it captured something really true about the way the relationship between younger readers and fictional worlds. But ultimately I felt the female characters were secondary – which was something that was bothering me in my reading at that point, so I didn’t read further in the series.

      1. Margo the Destroyer*

        I think the series differs in that way then. The show seems to be centering more and more on Julia, while season 1 was more Quentin’s story.

    7. Sylvan*

      I’m inexplicably addicted to the books and I enjoy the show. So, here are the big things you should know going into the books:

      – Quentin is, as always, the main character. You see everything through his eyes (including female characters, which gets old FAST). He gets less frustrating, particularly in the third book, but it’s enough for a lot of people to stop reading before they get to the third book.
      – Julia doesn’t get as much focus. I read the books for Julia in the first place, so that was a let-down. Her point of view is given more time in the second book, but she’s never on par with Quentin like she is in the show.
      – The books have a different plot on a different timeline. They’re not anywhere near as fast-paced as the show. This is the one thing I think the books do much better than the show: there is time to breathe in between plot arcs.
      – Some characters are pretty different. Margo/Janet’s characterization is… uneven? I never got a handle on her in the books. Penny has an entirely different personality, although the general “traveler, psychic, antagonizes Q” gist of it is there. Kady isn’t there; there is an Asmodeus in Free Trader Beowulf, but it isn’t her. The Free Trader Beowulf folks are different but way more fleshed out (although Silver is somebody else who you might not like, and again, Asmo is different/not Kady).

      1. Sylvan*

        If you’re particularly attached to any specific characters, feel free to ask me what they are like in the books.

  75. Mimmy*

    So this week has been a little wacky. I had most of this week off due to the nor’easter – the second state shutdown this month – yet I still feel like I need a vacation haha. This post’s gonna be a bit scattered….

    On Tuesday, I got the results from routine (every 3-4 months) blood work, and my liver enzymes, which have been slightly elevated for the past year, went up again. Not super high, but I’m now at a point where I have to stop drinking, at least until my next testing in July. Not even wine! I’m a little bummed about it because I love me some wine at social gatherings and family dinner, but I know that it’s better for me in the long run. I have have to continue to watch my blood sugar. I really do want to get/stay healthy because I have a lot of travel this summer, including a major multi-day conference this June in an unfamiliar place. Sigh. Can I have my 20s back?

    Ugh… I dunno why, but I really am starting to dislike holidays. I love being with my family, but it’s the preparation that drives me nuts. What am I gonna wear? Will my hair turn out okay when I get it done Thursday? (keratin treatment, which I’ve had done before, but the place is new for me). In between all of that will be three straight days of the organized chaos that is my job, and a wake (for my mom’s close friend who died this past Tuesday) that I have to figure out how to get to as it’s 45 minutes away and I don’t drive.

    /mindless rant – I needed that.

  76. Cruciatus*

    Ya’ll, give me the strength to get through this Dish chat where I’m trying to not only lower our bill but also get my DVR that just fried out replaced. If they tell me “I understand” again or keep trying to dangle “But you can get the new Hopper upgrade for free” I will scream. Will our bill be going up or down with that? ….Up. Then, yeah, no. Not the direction I’m looking for. Gah!

    1. Cruciatus*

      When I said no, I don’t want the Hopper if it increases my bill since I’m here because it’s too high now they ended the chat saying there were too few other options for me. The end.

  77. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

    Any thoughts on learning to live with uncertainty? I know that’s a huge question, but there are some major life changes up in the air right now, and it doesn’t jive well with my type A personality.

      1. Casuan*

        +1
        It really helps me to have some options in place because that still gives me some control, or at least the allusion of it.
        eg: If A, then I can do this. If B, then I can do that. If X then I can try this… Sometimes I’ll do this a few steps in.
        Also it helps me to remember that often something will occur that wasn’t even on my radar, so Expect the unexpected.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      This is me right now too. I’m trying to just plan for and expect the most likely scenario while having some ideas for what I’ll do if things go differently. I try not to obsess over those back up plans though, because I’ll get really anxious.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My wise friend used to say plan for the worst thing you can think of. Once you have that plan in place it will be simpler and quicker to make plans for lesser catastrophes.

      I am not sure if your life changes are good or bad. I will go with what seems bad. I remember when my husband was first diagnosed diabetic. I mourned us not being able to go to McDonald’s much any more. And there were other things that gave me a big sense of loss. (Boy, have I changed since those days.) His diabetes diagnosis saved my butt and that was reality. I ate what he ate. For the first time in my life, I was eating nutritious home cooked meals. I started making lunches to take to work. We saved a lot of money and we were able to do other things. He got seriously into bicycling which saved his butt later in life. (He remained able to walk and the docs could not figure out why. His legs were super strong.)
      Very seldom is something all bad. And if the change is mandatory such as a diabetic diet, that change can touch other aspects of your life in positive ways.
      If you are faced with choice A which sucks and choice B which even sucks more, take the one that you think will have the lesser amount of suck in the long run. Try to find ways to limit the time period that will be sucky.

      One last thought. Major life changes pop up from time to time. Typically they are foisted on us, we don’t get to pick the timing. My usual thought here is think back to other times when you faced life changes. Think about what went right, think about what you would like to have done better. Use this information to guide you now.

    4. Loopy*

      You could be me from the way you phrased this. I am a huge fan of worst case scenarios and having a Plan B, C, and D.

      Sometimes it helps getting through uncertain times and coming out the other side. I lost a job and had to do a terrifying urgent job search. It ended up being okay. Now, I’m faced with a similar scenario I can force myself to acknowledge I’ve survived something like this before, I can do it again. It doesn’t help you now, but maybe it’ll help put a positive spin on this as valuable experience for next time.

    5. Belle di Vedremo*

      Up your self care. Be sure that includes exercise, as that’ll help burn off stress that might not rise to your attention yet, and more water than usual.

      After that, I’m with the planners. Figure out likely scenarios and the implications, then create strategies and/or follow up questions for next steps.

      It’s not an easy time for most of us, but major life changes can bring us great things. Hope that proves true this time.

  78. BingeAnon*

    I am struggling with binge eating. I have not seen a doctor for this, but i have a habit (compulsion?) of eating large quantities of food, to the point of feeling physically sick. Afterward, I feel ashamed. J generally do this type of eating in secret, and most people that spend time with me would say that i am a healthy and balanced eater.
    This is a problem i have had for as long as i can remember. I gained a lot of weight due to this, and have yo-yo’d repeatedly as adult. In the last 2 years I’ve lost around 80 lbs through diet (very consistent calorie tracking) and exercise. I am at a weight that I am generally happy at, and i have found myself binging again. It’s like i have a mental glitch that tells me “you’re thin, eat whatever you’d like” even though i know that’s not true or healthy.
    I know that therapy will be suggested, but I’m wondering if therapy is going to be “let’s talk about your feelings” type stuff, or if it will give me actual tools to combat this behavior. And if it will give me tools, well…is there a way to access those tools without therapy? Time is an issue, so if there is something i can read or watch, that would be much more workable for me. Or, does anyone have any strategies they’d like to share?

    1. oranges & lemons*

      I haven’t dealt with binge eating specifically, but I have had to deal with compulsive behaviour and in my experience it was pretty much impossible to stop on my own–I ended up having to have a medical intervention instead of therapy, so I can’t give any specifics on that, but if you can make it work, it’s probably going to be more effective to give it a try than trying to struggle through on your own. That said, the only strategies that worked for me (to some extent) were avoiding situations that enabled the compulsion–I wouldn’t do it in front of others, so avoiding being alone was the most helpful thing I could do. In your case, perhaps there might also be some way to restrict your access to the types of food you would typically binge on, and/or limit the amount of food you keep on hand at home? Sorry if this is a super-obvious suggestion, but in my experience it wasn’t enough to try to rely on will power alone.

      1. BingeAnon*

        Thank you for responding. I have had some success with limiting access to the foods that i would typically binge on, but don’t have total control of the food in our home (due to having a spouse and children that have their own likes and dislikes). Limiting alone time would help me as well, although i need alone time to recharge, so that’s a delicate balance.

    2. Thlayli*

      There are loads of different types of therapy. Everything from person-centred counselling, where the therapist is there to listen to whatever you want to talk about and won’t push you, to cognitive behavioural therapy, where you work on changing the damaging behaviours and don’t focus on feelings so much. It sounds like you are interested in a CBT style approach.

      You can get lots of self help CBT books, but I do t know how effective the DIY approach is. I do know that CBT is supposed to work quite quickly.

      1. BingeAnon*

        Yes! CBT seems like what i would be interested in. I may start with a book or two, and then move on to a therapist if necessary. Thank you for the input.

    4. Melody Pond*

      So, I don’t have the exact same struggles with food that you described, but I have my own struggles, which have lately got me considering Food Addicts Anonymous meetings. There’s a little quiz section on the website I found, that asks several yes/no questions, and it says if you answer yes to any of them, then you might be a food addict. I do remember there was at least one question about binge eating, and another one about eating in secret.

      I don’t know about you, but my issues with food don’t feel like they will ever be “fixed” – the best they can be, is kept at bay, through regular maintenance. And a support group seems like it is exactly the kind of maintenance I need, to keep me accountable and inspired. That can fade with time, which is why I think regular meetings could help. So it’s something I’m definitely considering – maybe it could be helpful for you, too?

      1. BingeAnon*

        I know exactly what you mean about feeling like this will never be “fixed”. That part is frustrating for me, and it also causes me to limit what i do to control it. My brain says “you’ll never be able to stop completely, you’ll never have a normal relationship with food, so why try?” And even though i logically understand the value of improving my relationship with food, it’s hard to get past what jerkbrain tells me.

    5. nep*

      I posted something about EFT tapping here; I put in a link so that’s in moderation. Just thinking later — do you know what might be at the root of the binging? Does it stem from a long time of severely restricting? Do you still severely limit what you’ll let yourself eat (aside from the binges, I mean).

      1. BingeAnon*

        I think it may stem from food insecurity when i was a child. I grew up very poor, and was often hungry. I can’t remember when exactly the binging started, but it was (obviously) after we began to have more access to food. I do know that when i began working and having personal money to spend, i would spend it on large quantities of food which i would eat after everyone in the house had gone to sleep.
        I am no longer in a situation where i have to worry about having enough money for food, but the bahavior remains (although i go through varying stages of having it under control.)
        I don’t restrict my food intake by type of food, and although i track calories i eat a reasonable number of calories each day (around 2000-2200) so it’s not a matter of severe restriction.

        1. nep*

          I see.
          Your assessment makes a lot of sense. One would have this sense of having to hoard food — I imagine that can really have a grip on a person.

    6. food*

      I used to binge but haven’t in a while now. Just like you say, I’d eat until I was physically sick, also in secret (sometimes I’d throw out food containers in other trash cans so no one could see it in mine). So I think ultimately it is about feelings, for me at least, feelings related to my childhood and dynamics in my family and the more that’s become untangled, the less I’ve binged. Also, therapy helped named the various feelings and things that were being literally stuffed by food – I had a very poor feeling vocabulary but for me identifying what is really going on is more than half the battle. Nowadays, the thought of food still comes up but I know it’s not hunger and I can move on. So yes, therapy, highly recommended.

      On a practical level, some things that have helped me: stopping before I start to see if I was hungry or if there was something else going on. This was difficult for me when my whole being was screaming I needed food right now. Sometimes I had to think OK I just had food 1 hour before so I’m probably not hungry, so what’s up? But that second pause slowly grew.

      Another thing was to try and identify a feeling – often I realized I was angry or anxious, but then I also had to learn alternative ways to deal with those feelings because my go to was food, but my second go to was being destructive to things around me and that was not good either (and harder to do, say, at work).

      Some of my binging was exacerbated by the idea that there would be no food later so I needed to get it all now (which made sense from my childhood, with parents extremely food controlling, not a poverty issue), so I had to learn to trust that I would feed myself anytime I wanted or needed.

      I also could do very controlled diets but then had no idea how to regulate my food day to day. Now I try to see my eating in a more holistic way, like on a daily way, and it’s so much more tied to whether or not I am hungry – like I could only tell when I was over stuffed, but now I can when I am satisfied, although sometimes it does feel like I’ve eaten too little so I have to remind myself that I can stop because I will feed myself if I am hungry later.

      It’s such a relief to not do those things anymore. Good luck!

      1. BingeAnon*

        Oh, some of the things you posted ring so true for me. I think telling myself “there will be food later. It’s ok to stop eating now, and if i am still hungry in a little bit, i can eat again” might be helpful. I responded to another comment talking about food insecurity as a child (different from your childhood, but maybe effectively the same). Thank you for the insight!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I am totally in favor of counseling/therapy. But I also think at the same time you might enjoy learning about nutrition and proper nutrition. Starvation can look like obesity for some folks. The body needs more of a vitamin or mineral and oh, look, these cookies are handy. BTDT.

      Also keep in mind that thirst masquerades as hunger or even munchies. Have a glass of water. Wait a short bit. See if you still feel like eating. I know this sounds pretty basic but it’s important to check the basics as we go along. I had my mother with me for 24 years. I never once saw her have a glass of water. What happened to her was epic and forever changed me and forever changed how I viewed life. Dehydration breaks down mental function and eventually there is not enough of the mind left to make the organs work. I am not saying this in the context of trying to be scary. I am saying this in the context of “take care of you, keep the basics flowing”. As you do your counseling work, look at your care of your body, too, and that care involves many, many things.

      1. BingeAnon*

        Oh, dehydration is something i hadn’t thought about. I do need to focus on my water intake, although my hunch is that this behavior is stemming from a more psychological rather than physiological place. Thank you for the insight!

    8. Koala dreams*

      If you choose therapy, I’d recommend you to ask about the method in the first session. Also, tell them what you are looking for. There are many different kinds of therapy, and it’s very annoying to spend several sessions only to find out that the therapist doesn’t do the kind you are looking for.

      There is online therapy, I don’t know how effective it is but maybe you can look into it if it’s the travelling to the therapist that’s the problem for you?

      1. BingeAnon*

        Online therapy would definitely be easier to fit into my schedule. I need to do some research and see what’s available and reasonably affordable. Thank you for the suggestion.

    9. No Easy Answers*

      I would really, really recommend checking out the Intuitive Eating Workbook by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. Our relationships with food are messy, tricky, complicated things. At least for me, putting all my energy into restricting certain types of food and trying to avoid binge eating just makes the eventual binges more pronounced and more frequent. Often binges are pendulum reactions to prior emotional or physical restrictions. Much more I could go into—I’d recommend you check the book out, because it has really cool ideas. I’ve found Intuitive Eating (and also various body liberation podcasts) very helpful in terms of helping me understand “Oh, that’s maybe why I binged” instead of the previous “Bad me” shame, as well as allowing me to slow down a little and think about my choices or what I really need. It’s been a long, long process for me. I hope that regardless of what method you choose, you have patience and kindness with yourself in this process.

    10. Librarygal30*

      I would suggest a nutritionist first, and then maybe therapy to figure out your attitudes about food. I know that while my eating habits are okay, I hate working out with a passion, and I need a workout buddy, so someone who will force me to do this, even when I don’t have any desire to do so.

  79. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I just had a really horrible disturbing dream.

    I don’t want to go back to sleep yet in case I go back into it.

    Any tips for preventing a return to a really bad dream?

    1. Lissa*

      Change your sleeping environment somehow. I will turn on a podcast to sleep to, if I had previously had silence, or move out to the couch from the bed, or even just change what I’m sleeping in.

    2. Effie, who is pondering*

      I like moving my pillow to the foot of the bed and making that my new head of the bed.

      If you like fragrances, spraying a fragrance that you like on your pillow might help. Or if you sleep with your hands near your face, on your wrist.

      Holding a stuffed animal has helped me before, too.

      Best of luck!

    3. Expert Camelid Midwife*

      Honestly, I turn on silly cartoons or a light show for a little while then turn it off and go back to sleep. Or turn my oil diffuser on and add something soothing. Even just getting up for a moment, to use the bathroom, or get a cool bottle of water helps. Instead of just trying to fall back asleep right on.

      1. Lcsa99*

        This. I will turn on cartoons or an old sitcom or something to clear my head.

        Then again I just had a bad dream last night that ended with me kicking my poor husband sleeping next to me (really hard). And with the foot wearing the night splint. And somehow we both went right back to sleep.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      If you pray or meditate , get there, do that.
      Change your sleep position.
      Tell someone about the dream, that usually breaks the pattern for me. If telling someone is not possible , then write it out on paper. You can shred it later.

      I used to dream I was walking through a factory building. Some of it was abandoned and some was in use. What was scary was the building never ended, there was no way to get outside so I just kept walking and walking and walking… The building itself was not scary, it was the walking with out end that was scary.

      This dream rattled me to my core. First I told a friend about the dream. While he did not see the significance of it, I still had the value of talking about it during daylight hours. It’s always good to look at these things during daylight hours. The next thing I realized is that this is kind of how I feel about my life. I just keep walking and walking through life and not much of life makes that much sense sometimes. I realized that life was scarier than that dream. Then I thought of my Good Boss. Some days she will say to me, “NSNR, sometimes life is just plain HARD.” What is significant here is we will be sitting at our desks working away quietly and she will say this out of the blue. I so get her. I just so get her.

      If the dream is tied to any part of your life, you will probably eventually figure out that it’s nothing you did not already know.

    5. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Thank you for all the tips, I will keep a note of them for next time!

      I really wanted to say what the dream was but it might have been disturbing for some people. Can’t believe I never thought of writing it down then destroying it.

    6. StudentA*

      I’m sorry you experienced that. I’ve been there and it’s horrible. I’ve noticed I am more susceptible to bad dreams when I’ve had caffeine before bed, especially if it’s a lot. Also, when I’m cold, so I always make sure I have adequate blankets and socks on, as my feet tend to get especially cold.

    7. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      reading – something familiar and friendly and comforting (I have Little Golden Books right beside the bed, for when it’s not safe to touch the floor yet). It wakes you up enough that you’re _really_ out of the dream and helps get your mind off the dream’s track and on to something else. Read until you’re awake and then until you’re sleepy again (that’s why something familiar and simple – so it’s not keeping you awake, just telling you a story)

    8. Belle di Vedremo*

      What’s worked for me is staying up until I’m calmer, and then very deliberately doing a conscious rewriting of the story of the dream to have a better ending. Then I think about that better ending, before trying to go back to sleep.

      My dad used to say that the role of bad dreams is to wake you up to go to the bathroom, so I always do that, too.

      Hope you had a good night’s sleep afterward.

    9. Anono-me*

      Write a happy ending to the dream while you are awake. It doesn’t have to be well written just lots of happy ever after for everyone. (Sometimes my plot twists to happy are as bad as Dallas and JR, but it gets the job done for me.)

    10. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I very much appreciate the rewriting idea. Thank you both for suggesting that.

    11. Mephyle*

      Change the channel on your dream TV. Deliberately turn “the dream TV” back on to a different channel, one with no dreams, or soft pleasant dreams. The way you do that do that is by changing your position or environment. It can be as simple as turning over to the other side if you sleep on your side, or putting your pillow at the other end of the bed and lying back down with your head at the foot of the bed, or going to a different room, or some of the other suggestions above for changing it around.

  80. DietCokeHead*

    Last week I was in a lot of pain and the doctors found a kidney stone. This week, I feel better but the urologist I saw thought that I have a less than 10% chance of passing the stone on my own. So in two weeks, I’m scheduled to have the stone removed. Ugh. I know it’s for the best and I certainly don’t want the stone to continue to cause pain but I’m also kinda nervous. I wish I could fast forward and have this all done with. This post maybe is a bit whiny and over sharing but since I had posted in the Friday thread last week, I thought I’d circle back with an update.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      UGH! kidney stones.
      I had one and the doc told me, “It could be worse, you could be a guy. Women do better at passing stones.”
      I took some vitamin D and that broke the stone up. I got lucky.

      The pain was incredible. This is nothing you want to leave unchecked. It’s “omg, I think I am dying” pain. So good that you caught it and good that you are having it taken care of. No fun waiting for the surgery though.
      Probably others here can tell you what to expect. Maybe that will help some.

  81. Driveway*

    Has anyone rented out half of their driveway? I don’t have/need a car right now but have a 2.5 car garage and driveway. My neighbors across the street have a one car garage and driveway. It seems like there are four or five people living there (no, I don’t know them) and are parking two in the driveway and two beside it, where it’s not paved or even graded with rocks/rubble.

    So it occurred to me that they need more room for cars, I have the room and could use some extra money. Any advice? Pro? Con? Thanks!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I’d check to see if it’s legal where you live. I’ve done it before, but then my city passed a bylaw against it, so now I don’t. I don’t know why they passed the bylaw but it’s a hefty ticket if you’re caught.

    2. Casuan*

      Have you ever heard of this being done or did you just think of it? I’m asking because I’ve never heard of the concept although I know that different regions have different protocols.

      This is odd to me, although it is an interesting idea. For me, the cons outweigh the pros.
      Let us know what you decide!
      :)

      Pros:
      -income

      Cons:
      -your neighbours might be offended if you ask &or think that you want to charge them for something they get for free
      -neighbours or friends might congregate around the car talking, which could be disruptive
      -they could be coming & going & all hours
      -What if the fluids stain your drive? Will it be costly to remove them?
      -insurance considerations [eg: What if their car hit yours? What if the vehicle is broken into?]

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I would turn it into a math problem.
      How much income could I expect?
      What would my costs be?
      Do I lose, win or break even?

      I am a conservative person, I would not rent to people who I did not know personally. That could be just me though.

    4. Temperance*

      We let our neighbor occasionally use ours. I don’t love it and would have said no due to liability, but my husband is way kinder than I am. I have an 8-car driveway and one vehicle.

      I wouldn’t make the offer. FWIW, you’ll probably bring in $40-$50/month max, and could you deal with the headache of not being able to get your car out if these people lock you in?

    5. Woodswoman*

      It seems to me that the income you would like from renting your driveway is separate from the idea of approaching your neighbors. Personally, I wouldn’t want my neighbor reaching out to me, when I hadn’t asked, with an offer to charge me for something. Doing that could create a sour relationship.

      There are some areas where parking really is at a premium and hard to find, and people rent out their garages and driveways by the month. Do you live in one of those communities? If so, you can post an ad on Craigslist or on local bulletin boards. If someone is interested, I would check into the person’s background to make sure they’re on the up and up and not someone you want nothing to do with.

  82. matcha123*

    Do any of you have tips on how to speak more clearly to get a message across?
    I keep finding that I have communication problems with people from upper middle class backgrounds. As in, people who grew up vacationing around the world, their parents paid for their university fees, and they’ve never had to struggle with financial problems. These types often have, what I see as, an abrasive, in-your-face type of approach to communication, they tend to focus on one part of a message and throw out important details and then berate me (or others) for not communicating well.
    I don’t have this problem with people from other backgrounds, so I’d like to know if you all have any tips on communicating well and quickly nipping miscommunication in the bud?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      It sounds to me as if you don’t have a communication problem but a respect one. These people don’t respect you, and it’s disgusting. Obviously not everyone from that background acts that way, but the ones you’re describing just sound snooty.

      1. matcha123*

        I do think respect does play a part. Until recently I’ve been more likely to shrink when ignored, but I want to get my point across when I say it, not days or months later. I know I make an effort to understand where the other person is coming from and I expect the same from them.

    2. Casuan*

      Tailor your speech patterns to theirs. It might sound odd & rude to you, just keep in mind that you’re simply communicating with your audience in the language they use.
      I like what Anonymous Educator said about respect.

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks for that suggestion. I will try that. I have refrained because I didn’t want to start a fight, but if I don’t try, I won’t know!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Matching is a great suggestion. It’s probably what my wise friend would say also. If you want to come in one step lower than they are using, OP, that is fine too. That should work. Sometimes I go a step lower because I am more comfortable there.

        I’d also like to encourage you to autopsy conversations gone bad. Think about how you would like to handle that conversation if you see it again in the future. If you need to write out your answers to help you concentrate then do that. You won’t have to keep writing them out for long, you will get into the swing of it.

        Yes, it does take a concerted effort to train our brains. I worked in a blue collar setting and the candor was over the top. I decided that I wanted to set things down in a peaceful place or at least a benign place. So this is how I practiced answering, I practiced crafting benign or peaceful answers to real life conversations. Finally I got so I could just create the answers on the fly, which is what I needed to be able to do.

        1. Casuan*

          Yes to all NSNR said.
          Also it might help to think of various scenarios; there’s a thread above yours that discusses this. The original question is by BugSwallowersAnonymous.

    3. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      When in doubt, I find it really useful to go to a BLUF policy – Bottom Line Up Front. Tell them the exact thing you want their takeaway to be, and then fill in details as needed.

      But like Anonymous Educator, I think it is ultimately a respect issue, and at some point you can keep jumping through their hoops and not really improve anything in their attitudes.

    4. Temperance*

      I think that the answer to this is so dependent on setting. I have a similar approach to communication, but I did not grow up that way. I grew up in the opposite scenario, FWIW.

      My advice to you is to match their manner of speech. If they only get part of what you’re saying, that’s a problem for you. I think you need to visualize yourself as their equal. You need to project an air of confidence.

    5. Anon For This*

      I don’t have any advice, but I have the same problem. People who haven’t had the same struggles in life (and have an attitude that reflects that situation) tend to talk at me and act offended when I start to respond as if it’s a two way conversation. And the monologue usually involves really misguided advice that ignores my financial realities.

      But I realized something. It’s a consequence of beating the odds. Had my life gone as expected for someone of my background, I wouldn’t be interacting with these people. And I think some of the snootiness comes from them being threatened by my success.

      So I changed my attitude towards it. Now when someone acts snooty or disrespectful, I feel sorry for them. I see it as a sign that they’re troubled and can’t handle the situation maturely and with composure. So I speak to them like I would to someone having a meltdown in public. Very gently and reassuringly. And it seems to work! It seems to communicate, “Hey, you’re being weird,” without being mean about it. Humor and finding common ground can also be helpful. Any kind of reminder that we’re all human.

      And I’m 99% sure (no pun intended) that what you’re describing is an attitude of superiority or just immaturity and lack of life experience. When I meet people like that, I imagine how hard it must be to have that outlook on life – taking so much for granted, feeling entitled to a lot of things that aren’t realistic. I’m glad I wake up every day appreciating the roof over my head, the food in the fridge, and the flowers blooming outside.

  83. Expert Camelid Midwife*

    A few weeks back I wrote in a weekend free for all for advice about getting involved with and joining a NPO board of directors. What I decided to do then was only reach out to two orgs that were in line with my passions and go from there. I then updated on how the smaller org reached out almost right away. I’ve since met with the board and attended one board meeting and have officially expressed interest in joining the board. I guess this will be put up for a vote at the next board meeting?

    This week the second org finally reached out and I am meeting with the ED/Founder of the org on Thursday. I asked to join a committee for this org when I expressed my interest because I thought this was a better way, for this particular org, to become a known quantity as well as gain experience, before trying to join the board, although their board is small and may have room for me. This is the org where I also personally know one of the newer board members. I haven’t talked to her about my getting involved yet, as I hadn’t even heard back from the ED until just now.

    Now, I can juggle both commitments and even 2 board seats if I were to join but is it typical to join two orgs? They serve similar populations but with very different missions, so their grant funding, for example, wouldn’t overlap. However we are in a smaller city near larger cities, and I’m sure some of the donors would overlap. Would that ever be a conflict of interest? I’m sure it would depend on the bylaws, and again, I am not trying to join the board of the second org just yet.

    To be frank, I am very new to this. To the non-profit world, to actively volunteering (I sometimes volunteer at a homeless shelter doing physical labor – laundry, dinner, or just hanging out & talking with the people the shelter serves) in any fundraising or program planning or board work. I also have been self-employed for most of my adult work life, so this is new to me in other ways as well.

    I’m excited and nervous and don’t quite know what I’m doing just yet, but this has been on my goal list for a while because I want to be useful, I’d like to gain this experience, and I’d like to make community connections and mostly I like to serve the demographics these two orgs focus on in tangible ways.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It may indeed be a conflict of interest to be on these two particular boards. However, just as a general answer yes, you can be on two boards. I am on two boards.
      Be very candid about your activities, they need to know. If they do not know what their members are doing they could get in trouble. The times that I had to abstain from voting was not because of a conflict between the two boards. It was because of a conflict between one board and my JOB! Who’d thunk. I simply recused from the voting and that was the end of that.

      Join one board. When the second board asks you to join, let them know that you have just joined the other board and you do not know if there is an ethics problem for you to be on both boards. They should be able to tell you. If they can’t tell you this, then this may not be a board you want to be on anyway. Worst case scenario, they should say, “I dunno, but I will find out.”

      For myself, I find two boards is like having another full time job. So you may not actually want to do both boards at the same time.

      Hopefully, they will vote on your appointment in the next meeting. If they don’t then this is a warning flag for you. Watch their process and watch how they handle decision making as a group. We can not help boards that table everything until later, then later never comes. You want to be a on a board that is making decisions and moving forward with those decisions.

      I think the two most helpful tidbits I can tell you are these:
      1) Once on the board, read everything they give you. If it’s a good board they will give you a ton to read. It’s probably yours to keep. Use a highlighter and make notes to yourself in the columns.

      2) People are very fond of the expression “The Board”. Always remember it’s a group of individuals. You have people doing peopley things. Some will make missteps. Some will be brilliant. Some will do nothing. They are people first and a board second. When we start thinking of them as a group of individuals, the concept of The Board becomes less daunting, problems become more solvable and so on.

  84. ..Kat..*

    Hi. Going to Kailua-Kona, Hawaii soon. Any one have any suggestions for places to see? Restaurants (bonus points if they have gluten free, vegetarian options) ?

    1. Uncivil Engineer*

      In Kailua? Hulihe’e Palace is the only place I can recall. If you’re open to driving, Pu’uhonua O Honaunau (the place of refuge) was a wonderful visit ~40 minutes south.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Thanks. My husband and I plan to use Lyft instead of renting a car. That way we both can relax and sightsee during the drive. Plus, if I’m driving and try to look at the scenery, I risk becoming one with the scenery. We can always change our mind and rent a car for a day.

    2. MarySue*

      Botanical garden, do a coffee tour, and try the poke shack ( if you’re not entirely veggie) although they prob have good veggie stuff too. I like the shops in Holualoa, you can buy a custom yukelele if you’re into that!

  85. Passover!*

    It’s Passover! What are some of your favorite recipes? I really like to make this pistachio coconut macaroon by Mark Bittman. It’s usually a hit.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Chocolate caramel matzo crack! With just a little sea salt on top, people have a hard time resisting.

      It’s a Smitten Kitchen recipe so link to follow!

    2. heckofabecca*

      -My mom’s Passover cereal is really good—matzah farfel+veg oil+honey baked, then you add raisins/etc when it’s done
      – bête noire, a flourless chocolate cake with the density of plutonium… so amazing. The only time I’ll willingly add whipped cream :P

      I’ve got them on a google doc, link to follow!

      1. Passover!*

        No you are correct, I’m just already in Passover thinking mode – especially for food items!

  86. dd88FOUR*

    I have a grudge against doctors, even though my bro is one, but so what humans are not rational.

    I dislike them telling me it’s wrong to not to go to church, or not want kids, or taking drugs (which I don’t do), or look at porn. i just think they’re all dishonest and biased, since i know they wouldn’t tell that to some hot chick. but that’s how things function.

    Because of this (and the reason I’m posting this) is that my parents invited some doctor around for dinner, and i didn’t really take her on. I just think they’re scummy, since one of them admitted they select who is ill or not, and overlook minor details. I didn’t feel bad at all, since she deserved it.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Get involved with alternative modalities. That is what I did. Well the docs can’t help me that much anyway so I have nothing to lose. What I like about it is that it takes me away from the ball of negative stories that I have and puts me focusing on positive, can-do actions. (Like the doc who called me a fn b!tch cry baby. Thanks, doc, love you too.)

      The fact is we still have to find ways to take care of our bodies and that gets more important as we age. I have learned so much and done so much about self care. It’s been a wonderful journey.
      Take that anger and turn it into positive actions that benefit you.

      1. fposte*

        Whoa, NSNR–did that doctor say it to your face? Appalling either way, and I hope you filed a complaint.

        (Years ago a friend suffering from terminal cancer in a hospital got a really bad and thoughtless resident. When we complained about him online there were suddenly a pile of sock-puppety indignant responses from an IP number that traced to his wife. Like, way to make us think we were wrong, dude.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, he said that to my face as I laid there crying with a huge hole in my knee. (I have fat knees so there was plenty of turf for the hole.)
          I did not say anything as my ultra conservative inlaws were right there. My MIL saved the day. I mouthed the words FU and my super conservative MIL said, “Say it out loud, the doctor did not hear you.”
          I laughed about that the whole time he was sewing my knee together, she rescued me and did not even realize how much.

          I have many such stories. The doc who told me that I had absolutely no moral worth as a human being. Then there was the guy who reopened a foot wound using his thumb nail. There was dirt under his nail. I could keep going. My aunts said I could write a book. Yep. Probably.

    2. Temperance*

      I’m a huge fan of the medical establishment and most doctors. I’ve never had a physician judge me for not going to church; it came up exactly once, when I was hospitalized and declined a chaplain visit.

      You don’t know the woman at all, but you’re judging her based on one person who you might or might not have met. If you didn’t want to be polite, you should have gone to your own home and had dinner yourself rather than bully someone.

    3. fposte*

      This sounds like you’re personally blaming everyone in a class for the flaws you’ve encountered in individuals and for some systemic problems. Would you be okay if people said “I’ve met a [blank] person and they were an asshole, and therefore I’m going to be rude to your [blank] guest”?

      My suspicion is that this may also be about your uneasiness with perceived power; a lot of us get rude as a way to “level the playing field,” so to speak. But 1) it doesn’t work and 2) it just reinforces the asymmetry you perceive since your behavior is guided by it.

      You don’t have to be guided by medical doctors, but you still need to be polite to your parents’ guests, and if you can’t be it’s time to take yourself off and have dinner elsewhere.

      1. Gorgo*

        Seconding this. When you openly admit something is not rational, you negate any justification for “she deserved it.” You’re just being cruel, in a situation you could have easily avoided, and you kind of sound like you’re bragging about it.

        I’m worried about what other biases you might have that you feel perfectly comfortable acting on. Are you nasty to your brother? Are you a jerk to hot women because you think they get better treatment than you?

        Please reflect a bit, man.

      2. Casuan*

        This sounds like you’re personally blaming everyone in a class for the flaws you’ve encountered in individuals and for some systemic problems.

        This.
        dd88FOUR, your comment reads that you’re conflating this doctor’s personal opinions with her profession…?
        As with every profession, there are those who excel, who are mediocre, & who aren’t very good. There’s an old joke of what does one call a doctor who graduated last in their class: “doctor.”

        If your parents are friends with this doctor, then the doctor-friend had every right to expect to talk candidly because she was amongst friends. If she judged you without provocation then she wasn’t a considerate guest. You said you didn’t take her on, which is good.

        However, might you have provoked her?
        I’m curious as to what was the conversation that prompted the guest to make all of these comments? And definitely I’m curious as to what prompted her to say that doctors choose who is ill & whu she would have felt the need to say this. Friend or not, that’s quite a radical comment.

        For future reference, if you’re ever in such an uncomfortable situation again then you can excuse yourself by claiming a bad headache. That always works for me & it also works if there’s a doctor in the house because there’s nothing they can do other than to tell you to take a pill & rest.

    4. Book Lover*

      I’ve never in my life told a patient that it is wrong to not go to church, to not have kids, or look at porn. I don’t get into a drug talk unless it is relevant to health, but admittedly if a patient is taking cocaine that is generally a pretty significant health concern. I pretty much only see marijuana and cocaine in my population though.

      Anyway, it is fine to have a grudge against doctors, I guess, but wow, this is a bit of a broad brush to paint people with. I am not sure what to even say about the ‘select who is ill or not’ comment.

    5. SlasherChick*

      Humans are not always rational, sure, but the level of irrationality in this post is troubling. It is not reasonable or kind to think and behave in these ways, and that makes me think you must be terribly unhappy to lash out so cruelly and thoughtlessly. I hope you find some help that works for you, and that you feel better and more able to engage rationally and reasonably with those around you soon!

    6. Sylvan*

      It sounds understandable after what those doctors told you, but that’s really out of the norm. Most people who have made it through medical school don’t behave like that.

      I’ve had extremely bad experiences with dentists and K-12 teachers, but if I hated them all, that would be a lot of people. And now some of my childhood friends who grew up to be teachers!

      i know they wouldn’t tell that to some hot chick

      Huh?

      since one of them admitted they select who is ill or not

      Yes, they do diagnose illnesses? And an unfortunate part of their job is also seeing people who are drug-seeking, and risking deciding that someone is not ill when they are in order to make sure that only people who actually need medication like opioids have access to it.

      I’ve been on the wrong side of this one as a patient (and spent a pretty long time there) needing treatment, but I’m not sure what else you expect them to do. Do a better job of deciding who is ill and who isn’t? They’re all working towards that.

    7. Triple Anon*

      I’ve had some good doctors in the past, but I haven’t found one in the past decade. I have all kinds of horror stories. Maybe I’ll tell a few of them. But first, I think it has something to do with changes to the overall system. Doctors are more stressed and have less time to spend with patients. There also seems to be a trend towards them being more superficially judgmental and less interested in getting to know you as a human being.

      I also think that my age and health status are factors. They seem to be friendlier to younger people and people who don’t have any serious health issues.

      But, yeah, a lot of them are sketchy. I’ve had several tell me to take drugs to mask the pain and refuse to order tests to diagnose the problem. They’ve put notes in my chart about me seeming depressed when I was acting that way because I was clearly in a lot of pain or had a high fever. I’ve been dropped, forceably drugged (while in the hospital) and otherwise retaliated against for asking basic questions like, “Why do you recommend this medication and what are the possible side effects?”

      At the point where they started refusing to diagnose things, aggressively pushing pain meds and getting angry when I questioned it, and so on, I sort of gave up on the whole thing. I realized they weren’t doing anything that was worth paying for. I’m still holding out hope that one day I’ll find a good doctor. But until then, I’m putting my resources into eating a healthy diet, reducing stress, all that basic stuff that makes a big difference. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than paying an arm and a leg to be insulted and given prescriptions for things that will only give you more problems.

    8. Close Bracket*

      “I dislike them telling me it’s wrong to not to go to church, or not want kids, or taking drugs (which I don’t do), or look at porn”

      I am a chick, but I am not a hot chick. I have never had a doctor tell me any of these things. The only one that has even ever come up in a doctor visit is the taking drugs part, and that is because they get a drug history as part of my health history. It is rather relevant.

      It really sounds to me like you need new doctors.

    9. Menacia*

      Hi dd88FOUR, was it the same doctor (or group of doctors) from whom you experienced this treatment? I like other posters agree that you can’t lump all doctors into this category, as they are human beings first, then a doctor. There are some who, instead of treating you for your ailments (or providing a service, etc.), decide to lecture you because they’ve made assumptions…these humans are the worst and can be found in any and every profession. That is why, just like for any service, you need to shop around…you CAN fire your doctor, and find one who listens to you, and will actually help you instead of making you feel bad.

    2. Overeducated*

      Good read! I loved the paleo take down at the beginning, it drives me crazy that somehow people think domesticated grains are too different from what Neolithic people ate but somehow eating bacon from a domesticated pig is the equivalent of a mammoth you hunted yourself. It’s not the actual content of the diet, it’s the bad history!

      I do feel worried and frustrated by the information coming out about processed meats and carcinogens though. I try very hard to eat a low meat diet (cooking with it 3-4 times a month on average, and eating it about twice that much due to leftovers)…but I really like the flavors of bacon, pepperoni, and such, they go a very long way in small amounts. I’m not ready to give them up! But I also don’t want easily avoidable cancer risks for anyone in my family. Sigh.

  88. Burn After Reading*

    If you were going to be in the hospital for a couple days after surgery, what would you want in your bag? Right now I’ve got books, pjs, a toothbrush, and clothes to leave in, but I feel like I’m missing something.

    2. Grace Less*

      My mom takes a journal, and writes (or has a family member write) down each medicine received and the time, vitals checks, and a summary of each doctor’s oral report. It’s really helpful for her to be able to look back at as she comes out of anesthesia poorly and often doesn’t remember the time of the last dose of pain meds, etc.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        What a good idea. Also a good chance to journal/diary/draw any concerns, feelings, etc while being imprisoned in a bed.

      3. Natalie*

        Huh, my husband’s nurses wrote med times on a huge white board at the foot of his bed. I thought that was pretty standard.

      4. ..Kat..*

        Make sure you give official permission for these writers to be in your hospital room when you talk with doctors/nurses/others and you give permission for them to ask questions. Otherwise, in the US, you risk them getting kicked out when medical stuff is discussed.

    3. Cruciatus*

      Things my mom had be bring her when she was recently in the hospital–of course all chargers for devices, her own chapstick, hand lotion, lots of underwear and socks, puzzle books and regular books. You will get bored. What do you need to stave off boredom?

      1. Burn After Reading*

        Chargers are the most crucial and yet most forgotten thing. What I really want to bring is my laptop- but do you think that’s a good idea?

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I’m what they call a “frequent flyer,” and I always have my laptop with me. Comes in handy when I can’t sleep or don’t feel like watching TV.

    4. Patsy Stone*

      Depending on where you are, you may want to bring some personal toiletries (soap, dry shampoo, lotion, etc.). The hospital I work at in Canada doesn’t provide any of these items (well, we get donations and we have cheap little bars of soap but that’s it) and people don’t realize that. It’s nice to have your own toiletries to have a bed bath/freshen up. As The Other Dawn said, slippers for sure…make sure they have a solid grip, you don’t want to have to worry about slipping or falling.

      1. Burn After Reading*

        Thank you for the heads up! I think I have some hotel soaps around here to bring with me…

    5. Temperance*

      Deodorant, face wash, a disposable razor, and comfortable clothes to wear while you’re there. Hospital hygiene supplies are fine but aren’t the best, and my hair felt like greasy straw after a week in the hospital. I also felt so gross without having the ability to shave under my arms for a few days.

      I would seriously bring twice as many pairs of underwear as you think you’ll need, because hospital panties are so gross.

      Trash magazines are also good. You might be in a different situation, but I was too zonked out to actually read and comprehend a book, so I thumbed through magazines and played a lot of Candy Crush.

      1. Burn After Reading*

        Thank you! Good point on underwear– I grabbed an extra couple pairs, because I’m not sure when I’ll shower, but just doubling it might be good…

    6. Triple Anon*

      If you’re allowed to eat, snacks! If you’re allowed to have liquids other than water, non-perishable drinks. Hospital food and drinks are notoriously sketchy. I’m sure there are exceptions, but it’s usually pretty bad.

      Also, really light things to read. Stuff you could flip through while tired. And headphones so you can pretend to be unavailable to talk if you get stuck in a room with someone who wants to talk more than you do. Or, of course, just to listen to music or watch movies on your phone / tablet. If you have a tablet, definitely bring that.

      1. Temperance*

        To date, my most surreal experience was when I was hospitalized and my roommate decided that she didn’t want to check out so she wouldn’t miss dinner. Like, she WANTED hospital dinner.

  89. anon24*

    Cell phone, tablet, chargers, headphones, personal care items (they will provide you with basic things but if you like your own shampoo or lotion etc.) Some people bring their own blanket or pillow for comfort but I would be a little grossed out. Maybe comfy slippers if you like that sort of thing.

    1. anon24*

      Nesting fail. This is for Burn After Reading.

      I blame my cat. He refreshed the screen as I was typing ;)

    2. Temperance*

      I brought a very soft and very washable robe that went into the washer on hot as soon as I got home.

  90. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    Moving madness is coming along smoothly. My lease is signed, and I will be getting my keys next Wednesday after work. I’m taking a break to listen to a church service online as an alternative to taking time away from packing to get prettied up, drive to church, drive home after, and get unprettied. My folks, their tools, and their GIANT VAN will be here Thursday, and the movers will be here bright and early Saturday.

    I am SO TIRED but so ready for this move.

    Does anyone have good advice for buying rugs? This is my first time living somewhere with wood floors, and my lease requires me to have 80% floor coverage excluding tiled areas (kitchen, bathroom). That’s… a lot of floor space and I’m having abrupt sticker shock over how much even sketchy rugs cost. Ikea has nice ones but they’re so small they’ll break the bank if I try to hit that 80% through them.

    (Helping nothing, I hate beige and need to avoid textures that will attract kitty claws. So many pretty rugs are looped or woven textures, and that basically looks like “here Dame Flufflepants, have scratch mats all over the place!”)

    1. Lcsa99*

      We got our rugs off Amazon. Thankfully the cats haven’t been able to damage most of them (just one, which unfortunately leaves fuzzies everywhere because of the constant clawing). The prices weren’t prefect, but better than I saw anywhere else. The only downside is we couldn’t see or feel them ahead of time but we are happy with our picks.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Check out what’s in thrift stores or Pier 1 if you have one of those around you. You may also want to consider bamboo mats instead of carpet.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I bought my living room rug from Rugs USA, online. Buying online can be a crapshoot, but I was looking for an interesting pattern in a neutral color, nothing too fancy (this one is acrylic, not wool), that I could have in a house with a shedding dog. I love my rug. It’s gray and has a white octopus pattern on it that doesn’t look like an octopus. Got it for a little over $100, had it for almost 4 years, and I will probably chuck it when it’s time to move (the white parts got really grungy really fast, but only I notice it).

    4. BRR*

      I’ve had good luck at Lowe’s/Home Depot. My parents have one from esalerugs and it looks nice. I also had huge sticker shock when I found out how much rugs cost (and really every home item).

    5. fposte*

      Carpet places often have cut remnants (not like teeny scraps, big old rug size) at a very low price. Contact any of those around you and see whether they have any.

    6. Lore*

      The 80% isn’t quite as scary as it sounds because remember probably 30-40% of your floors are under furniture! Also, keep an eye on Target online’s home sales. I gave up trying to get cat proof rugs and just bought $50-60 ones that needed to be replaced when they got trashed. Much easier when they’re cheap and delivered! They have about 8x as many rugs online as in stores. My friends also swear by Houzz but I have looked too deeply there myself.

    7. Temperance*

      I bought our rugs from Home Depot for like $150 each for fairly large rugs. They’ve held up pretty nicely over the past 3 years.

    8. Anono-me*

      A homemade version of painted oilskin rugs (painted canvas dropcloths) will give you very inexpesive coverage and you can control the color 100%. This will not help with sound, only with protecting the floors, so you will want to be mindful of where you use them.

      I would probably use a big oilskin to cover 80% of the room, then arrange my smaller rugs on top of it where I actually walked so as not to annoy the people below me. (And to be honest, I would probably eventually get one big thick rug from Ikea when my budget allowed.)

    9. Casuan*

      My first thought was to tell you to wait to be certain that you want rugs, then I read on…
      80%?
      Wo.
      What is the penalty for not doing this? If you don’t want that much floor covered then it might be just as cost-effective to pay any penalties.

      If you do get rugs, you might also need the pads that prevent the rugs from sliding. Also, be certain to rotate the rugs every so often because of sun fading. If you have the pads, every several months [maybe two or three times per year] pick up the pads so they don’t begin to stick to the floor because that can damage the floor much more than regular foot & paw traffic.
      This probably depends on region & climate. It’s something I learnt the hard [& expensive!] way.

      Congrats on your new place!!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        In our apartment, the penalty for not covering 80% was not getting our $2500 (!!) move-in deposit back.

        By the time we purchased enough rugs to get to 80% coverage, though (because we flunked the “carpet inspection” multiple times), we probably ended up spending close to $2500!

    10. Red Reader*

      How weird, I’ve never encountered a lease that required me to put rugs down. (Every place I’ve lived just had cheap crappy carpet. :P ) I got most of my rugs at Overstock.

      1. Gatomon*

        Yeah, this is odd to me. I’d say 95% of rentals in my town are carpet. You’re usually choosing between “original 70s shag” and “original 90s berber.”

        I’d honestly just get a bunch of those rag-style rugs from Walmart (or Kmart if there’s one left nearby) and use that to meet the 80% requirement. They’re not so expensive that it would hurt much to replace them in a few years, I feel. I have actually had one in my kitchen for 10 years now though.

  91. StudentA*

    Trying to understand more about why some people hate others. Here is what I’m NOT talking about:

    situations where it’s obvious why you hate the person — they did something egregious, like a drunk driver causing you or your loved one an injury, or the woman who stole your husband
    racism / homophobia / etc.

    Help me understand how someone gets to the point of hatred of someone else outside those contexts.

    1. fposte*

      Are we differentiating between hate and serious dislike here? Or is any antipathy relevant? Are there specific examples you’re thinking of?

      I think a big part of strong distaste is continued exposure, especially exposure you can’t avoid. You don’t bother to hate a stranger who was an ass to you in the airport before you went your separate ways; it’s the family member, in-law, classmate, co-worker, etc. who keeps putting friction on that blistered emotional spot until it’s a gaping wound. And a lot of time it’s about things in yourself they speak to–that they’re getting something they don’t deserve when you feel like you don’t even get the things you *do* deserve, or they take up other people’s space in a way that you get way too much of, or they’re still around when you think your friend should have kicked them to the curb and you’re putting your emotion on the lunkhead rather than the person who won’t dump them.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Some people hate because they are taught it, or because the people surrounding them reinforce the behavior.

      Some people hate because they misunderstand entire huge concepts.

      Some people hate because they are giving back the way they themselves have been treated.

      Some people hate because they are afraid. They do not know what info they are missing and they have no way of getting that info.

      And some folks do not understand all the costumes hate wears.

    3. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

      StudentA, I can’t do better than the excellent comments from fposte & NSNR although I can add my perspective which I hope helps you.

      There are differences between dislike, antipathy [ie: strong dislike], & hate.

      It’s possible to dislike someone yet still love them.

      We can dislike someone without any real reason. Well, the reason is there although it can be subtle; we realise we don’t have much in common or we might not like one’s humour so we don’t pursue a relationship. That doesn’t mean that this person is bad, it’s just a personality thing.
      If someone goes out of their way to avoid this person, then that goes more into antipathy.

      Hate is a strong word. It’s a strong emotion that is toxic to eceryone involved. One needs to put work into their hatred & it needs to be nurtured.

      The opposite of love is not hate; it’s apathy.

      please forgive the assumption here…
      If you’re hurt because someone hates you for no real reason, even if you tried your best to be kind to them… that’s an awful & confusing thing & I’m sorry for it. Probably there isn’t anything you can say or do to get them to downgrade their hatred. It might help to remember that anything you say to them will be translated as if you were a Charlie Brown school teacher (“Wah-wah-wah”).
      Do not spend your time trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t like your existence & who is determined that everything about you is bad.

      Instead, spend your time with those who do like you & who are genuinely interested in what you say & do. You don’t owe the hater any of your attention. If there’s a situation when you should be polite or think you should help them, then do so only if you want to.

      disclaimer: I’m projecting here. It took decades for me to learn this & once I did & learned how to manage things my life has gotten so much better. How did I learn this? It was when that person yelled down a busy corridor that she never liked me, said I was stupid, & that she “hated my face.”
      Once I got over that shock I was actually quite thankful it happened because she gave me no doubt as to her feelings. Finally I could stop trying to get her to be civil with me because her public tirade was my permission to do so.
      Thankfully I have others in my life who do like me, know that I’m not stupid, & who like my face. :-)

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      Sometimes you just can’t get on board with how other people move through the world.

      I’ve seen people on other forums talking around the idea that everyone should always like everyone else. that you need an actual reason to decide not to be friends with someone. I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation to have of other people. For one, it assumes that everyone is coming to the table with the same views and values, and we all know that isn’t true. I have known many, many people who enjoy saying cruel things for effect and how powerful it makes them feel. I hate them, though you could say that they probably hated me first. But why interrogate that further? These people already don’t like me so I’d prefer to nurture my relationships with the people who do.

      Personally, there are a handful of people that can say I hate. I don’t have room for them in my life and I don’t have the energy to bother smoothing out the wrinkles in our dynamic.

  92. Lady Jay*

    Anybody seen I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore? It’s an indie black comedy on Netflix, about a woman who turns vigilante after her silver (handed down from her grandmother) is robbed. Unexpectedly hilarious in the first half, tense in the second. I appreciated its attention to detail (sidekick Elijah Wood’s ninja stars in particular).

    I really want to talk about it with somebody, but nobody I know has seen it! Help!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I didn’t really enjoy it very much, unfortunately. I just watched it because I’m a Melanie Lynskey fan.

  93. Nicole76*

    Lately I’ve been addicted to acquiring new holiday home decor. I’m a pretty frugal person, though, so I stick to Dollar Tree, Target (the “dollar” section), and stores like Hobby Lobby and Michaels when stuff is 50% off or more.

    I also like finding versatile pieces at the thrift store. For example, a few months ago I found a cute white ceramic planter for under $2. For Valentine’s Day I filled it with Dollar Tree pink peonies. For Easter I filled it with orange fake grass with three fabric carrots (found at Target) sticking out the top. To complete the look, I tied some brown woven rope around the pot.

    Another example: Target had a small clear mini cake stand for $3 or $5 and Michaels had a cute pink doily for $1.50 that I got for $.75 with a coupon. I put the doily under the stand and a ceramic bunny I already owned on the stand to make a cute centerpiece. I also went back to Michaels and picked up a few more doilies in different colors to use along with the stand for other holidays.

    I get so much joy and satisfaction from finding new ways to decorate for the holidays. Can anyone relate, or care to share tips?

    1. Gilmore67*

      We have just a bunch of redecorating as well. There are things found in antique stores, Crafts fairs and dollar stores. You don’t have to spend a whole lot of $$ to just get a nice fun change to your place. Coupons are my best friend !

      I like to decorate for seasons as many do as well so my ” Welcome” little decoration for spring I think cost like $5. So when I take it off and do fall, that also is hardly any $$.

      Other stuff like pictures my Hubby took, have very nice frames and matts. We spent more $$ on that stuff.

      I don’t need high end stuff just to make some simple but fun changes. Coupons and just some deep looking around can get you what you want.

      Have fun !!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I do a lot of tag sales and consignment shops. I have little rules I make for myself so I don’t go crazy. Like I limit the numbers of different colors in each room. I also have to know where I am going to put it BEFORE I bring it home.

      I like to re-purpose old things in new ways. I have an old trunk that I store toys in for when people bring their kids. The trunk is my coffee table. I have never had a bored kid yet.

      Weird stuff intrigues me. I took an old map of the US and put it in a cheap poster frame. Not everyone’s taste but I really like it. I also have a collection of old curtain tacks (used to pin the tie back to the wall). They are in shadow boxes on black velvet, just because…
      Take your time, don’t fill a space just because it’s empty. Wait for some for stuff to pop up in your mind, it takes time.

    3. Pam*

      My sister uses Dollar Tree and Target Dollar Spot to dress up her dogs for holiday photos. The dogs have figured out that putting up with it brings treats.

    4. Red Reader*

      I have a light-up dinosaur on my porch. He was originally a Christmas dinosaur. Around the end of February that year, my husband was like “We need to put the Christmas dinosaur away. We are not going to be those jerks leaving the Christmas decorations up year round.”

      And that is how my husband found himself in charge of redecorating the dinosaur about once a month. (Before the end of the day today, in fact, he needs to go out and swap out Holidaysaurus Rex’s green top hat for his bunny ears and basket of eggs.)

  94. Sylvan*

    Thank you all for your advice on teeth grinding last weekend! I ended up going to an urgent care office. The doctor there was very helpful.

    It turns out that I definitely have TMD, which comes as a surprise to nobody, lol.

  95. nep*

    When’s the last time you did something for the first time?
    Or, the last time you set caution aside and just f*g went for it because it’s been speaking to your soul for a long time?

    1. Mimmy*

      Or, the last time you set caution aside and just f*g went for it because it’s been speaking to your soul for a long time?

      I’ll be doing that this June when I go to a major multi-day conference in an unfamiliar city (Pittsburgh) BY MYSELF. I admit I still have bouts of “what the eeefffffff am I doing??” but I know if I don’t go, I’ll regret it. Besides, I’ll be meeting a classmate for the very first time – we are so excited about finally getting to meet in person.

      1. nep*

        This is SO GREAT. Good for you. Some of the best experiences in life start out with us saying ‘what the eeefffff am I doing?!’

        1. Mimmy*

          Very true. I’ve had people tell me that the thing you are most afraid of doing is exactly what you should be doing (if that makes sense).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I had a tooth pulled for the first time several months ago. Then he pulled three more. I have two more to go.
      Not fun. But it’s like everything else, we work into it. I got used to going for a tooth pulling.
      It did inspire me to take on a few projects around here that have just been sitting because I did not want to deal with the projects. So I do feel good about getting some of these things done. I have made good headway.

    3. Handy nickname*

      I moved out of my parents’ house yesterday- almost a year since I first decided I have to do this . I keep getting that feeling like when you almost hit a car, but slam on the brakes really fast and that other driver doesn’t notice- it’s unreal. I’m the first person in my family, or out of my friend group who moved out for any reason other than getting married or getting a job far enough away that it was logistically impossible not to move, but I still work in my hometown.

      I had too, and I finally did. It feels amazing.

  96. Cruciatus*

    Probably a long shot, but I’m still fighting with Dish today. While I wait to get my DVR that died last night replaced, I want to hook up my TV to another DVR in the house. It’s already set up for 2 TVs. I just want to switch the signal being sent to the guest room to my TV instead. I have contacted Dish, I have written on a satellite TV forum and was told there is no one way to do this so therefore no one is helping or giving me a place to start. I don’t know why this is so impossible as it’s currently being done in my own house! It’s obviously “a thing”. Does anyone have any inkling what I could try? I assume the signal from the DVR is being sent to the second TV through the cable system in the house (I could be really, really wrong on this, but it’s not sent through obvious wiring). Or is this just too hard and only Dish technicians have the ability to do this? Anyone? Bueller?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not a tech, but I was married to one for decades, and all his buddies were techies.Guess what the big topic of conversation was for me. Is it possible that you need to have another line with a signal for the second DVR?Weird stuff like that comes up. I would suggest going to a place that sells DVRs or repairs them and talk with them.

    2. Nicole76*

      I could be way off base since I’ve never had satellite service, but I don’t think the DVR “knows” what TV it’s connected to, so I suggest just moving it over and seeing what happens. If simply disconnecting it and reconnecting it causes an issue, I would think Dish could send a refresh signal to the box to get it working again. Good luck! I’d be interested in hearing an update.

    3. Cruciatus*

      Well, that was a marathon online chat session with Dish and then checking the forum I had posted in to see if they had better information and in the end…we’re upgrading to the Hopper. They are “lowering the price” since we’re “preferred customers” and our bill will be $20 less a month by signing up for 2 years. They could have replaced the DVR I had but said they were the last of that line and really pushed the Hopper. And since they said they’d need to send a tech anyway for switching my DVR signal (seriously, really?!) I figured we may as well just go with the Hopper anyway. I actually wanted to upgrade to that but price was holding me back. So, our bill is still a lot, but it will be cheaper than we’ve been paying. And in 2 years we’ll have to remember to all again and try to keep our bill at least the same price. So probably not the best resolution. I would have been fine staying with a replacement of my current DVR but this may just be easier in the end.

  97. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    One of the most hated teachers in college remembers my name.
    One. Of. The. Most. Hated. Teachers. In. College. Remembers. My. Name.
    ONE OF THE MOST HATED TEACHERS IN COLLEGE REMEMBERS MY NAME.

    People told me I should be proud of that, but I’m not sure whether he remembers my face and name because I was a good student or a massive PITA.

    (Also, one of my new teachers is kind of attractive. Why, why, why. )

  98. Triple Anon*

    I’m angry and frustrated, having lived through a lot of violence and never having had anyone in my life who I could talk to about it. But I’m channelling it into productive things and cultivating my attitude of invincibility. And I keep reaching out to people, doing good for the world in small ways, and hoping that one day I’ll meet someone who will care and want to listen. Someone who will respect me as a fellow human.

    I feel really isolated. It’s hard to relate to a lot of people because I’m just sort of unusual and I’ve lived an unusual life. But I know there are other people like me out there, and lots of great people who I don’t have much in common with but could be good friends nonetheless. Every day, I move my life forward in a positive direction. Hoping for the best.

    1. Hmm*

      You know, I honestly think most people are pretty good, and try their best. It’s not necessarily about being the same as someone else – everyone is so unique anyway, even if they were in similar circumstances. Lots of people are willing to listen, and everyone has a lot more in common than we think. I’d say if you feel really isolated, try to focus on the ways you really to people.

      And if your life has been that difficult, you’d be better off talking to a therapist instead of a friend, anyway. Friends aren’t really a substitute for that sort of thing.

      1. Triple Anon*

        I’ve tried, but it hasn’t been helpful. I’m having logistical problems, not psychological ones. I don’t need to relive bad memories or put a label on “what’s wrong with me”. I need people in the community who will care if someone threatens me with violence, breaks into my house to take souveniers because they feel entitled to it, etc. Not just the police; they’re not always helpful. But actual people who will kind of have my back. Like, “Oh, that person did THAT? I’ll keep an eye on him/her.” I don’t need to talk at length. I just need to be part of a community where people are nice.

        But thank you for the recommendation. I get what you’re saying and I appreciate it.

    2. Reba*

      Hey Triple Anon, I’m hoping for the best for you, too.

      I love the idea of “cultivating my attitude of invincibility.”

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It will get better.
      For tamer reasons than yours I, too, felt my life was unusual. It was hard to find people who related, usually just older people seemed to get parts of what I was talking about.
      You are making all the right moves and thinking about this clearly. Time will be very kind to you.

      1. Reba*

        Talking with my mom this weekend, she said one of the best things about being older is that people “just get right down to it” when they talk. People get one another with less fuss and worry about what the other is thinking of you.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep, yep, yep. My friend appeared on my doorstep with the most distraught look on his face. “My son did Very Bad Thing and now is going to go prison.” The first thing out of my mouth was, “Com’on, I will make us some coffee.”
          No wasted time with hand-wringing or beating around the bush. Cut right to the point. For my part, eh, crap happens, even to the best of us.

          It’s a lot like the way we talk here, OP. People just say what their concern or focus is and we talk about it.

      2. Casuan*

        So very much what NSNR said!
        Triple Anon, live your life & others will find you & you them.

        There’s an excellent TED Talk that might help you a bit; really I think it can help everyone. :)
        I’m not usually into things like this although this resonated with me. It seems counter-intuitive to your newly-found invincibility although I’d argue that the two concepts complement each other,

        >Brené Brown
        >The Power of Vulnerability

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When we are weakest we are strong. It’s one of those mind bending concepts but basically, it takes strength to speak up and say, “I feel vulnerable.” Now why does this show strength? Because in order to say this, you have to know that you will not fall apart because you said it out loud.

          The most worrisome people are the ones who do not say they are having difficulty. They are the most fragile.

        2. Triple Anon*

          I haven’t looked it up yet, but I have been getting stronger through opening up to people more. It can be awkward, but I’ve found that people really appreciate the honesty. In fact, people seem to prefer my more rough-hewn, honest side to my trying-to-be-nice-and-polite side. It’s like opening up and being honest is the kindest thing you can do. To a point, of course! Anyway, I’ll look up the talk.

  99. Gaia*

    I feel really torn. In two months I have the chance to move cities and I can either move back home or to a new big city and I can’t decide.

    Home Pros:

    Cheap mid sized city
    Familiar
    Family and old friends
    Comfortable

    Home Cons:

    Family is there and I won’t be able to maintain self care boundaries
    Few job opportunities if I leave my current (remote) job

    New city Pros:

    Ideal climate for me
    Great culture
    Lots of future job opportunities
    Best friend lives here
    Easy travel opportunities

    New city Cons:

    Traffic triggers my near paralyzing accident anxiety
    Very high cost of living
    Hurricanes

    Help.

    2. Snarkblog*

      Yeah, that’s my pick. Largely because of the job opportunities (or lack thereof) at home. Try new city!

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      New city sounds worth a shot. For the traffic anxiety… does riding on public transportation help? If the new city has a decent bus or subway system, that might turn into a “pro”, especially because you may be able to do certain exercises to soothe the anxiety that you could never do behind the wheel. (I used to close my eyes and kind of meditate or watch a beloved movie on my iPod to ease some of my travel anxiety.)

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, if accident anxiety can in any way be mitigated, I say try the new city! Good luck with the decision and the move!

      2. Gaia*

        The anxiety is a direct result of a really terrible car accident I was in a few years ago. It kicks in when traffic is moving slowly, in high volumes and cars are close together and potentially moving to new areas suddenly (like changing lanes or merging). So it is worst when I’m in traffic jams on freeways (but generally fine when traffic is flowing smoothly on the road) or when stopped at lights with cars pulling up behind me. It is better when I’m driving (but only if I know the area well) because I feel in control. It is worst when I’m a front seat passenger. Better when I’m a backseat passenger.

        If I moved to big city I probably wouldn’t drive much because of the anxiety (and general dislike for sitting in my car for an hour) but I like driving and the freedom it gives me. But also in Home Town I wouldn’t drive nearly half the year because the roads are a disaster in the winter.

    4. Casuan*

      New city has high cost of living although it seems that advancements can come with a raise.
      Every place has potential for natural disasters. As awful as hurricanes are, at least there’s usually several days’ advance notice.
      Anxiety can usually be overcome. I don’t mean to minimise your anxiety; the question is Would you prefer to deal with this anxiety or would you prefer to deal with family infringing on your self-care boundaries?

      Go for the big city!!

      1. Gaia*

        That is the question, isn’t it? Do I want traffic and weather anxiety or do I want family anxiety and…honestly…I really don’t know which would be worse for me.

    5. Paris Geller*

      I think the fact that not being able to maintain self-care boundaries in home city is a big reason not to try that first. I totally understand traffic anxiety and natural disaster anxiety, but (at least for me) those take up a smaller percentage of the day-to-day than family-related stress, which can often feel constant.

      Also, as someone from a hurricane-prone area who now lives in a tornado-prone area, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that natural disasters are everywhere and while it’s best to be smart and level-headed, no place is free of natural disaster potential.

      1. Gaia*

        See now, people say “natural disasters are everywhere” but they really aren’t. Current town has none – no extreme winters, no tornadoes or hurricanes or nearby fires or even earthquakes in decades. Home Town has fires nearby but they’ve never gotten anywhere near the city and there was an earthquake like 30 years ago.

        I’ve lived through tornadoes and I think they are what make me not want to live through any other disasters. But…SUNSHINE!!!

  100. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    5 more weeks till the wedding.
    Making an effort to stay toned/healthy, Lauren Conrad style (no Splenda; lean meals; greens; no carbs—sweet potatoes ok though).

    My skin’s much cleaner since I cut out chocolate, peanut butter, and I have more greens and lean chicken/fish. Protein bars: 1 every 4 days which has cocoa and peanut flavors. My waist looks trim and healthy. Not scary skinny, but toned/healthy.

    The problem? Giving up Splenda (and real chocolate!) is putting me in a BEC mindset, where I’m bitter I have to sacrifice all things delicious while FI eats anything and stays skinny as a beanpole.

    How do you stay in a healthy mind frame while toning up?

    1. Reba*

      Yeah the chocolate would be particularly tough. Greens are great though, and there’s basically no limit on how much you can eat of them! I find that I can make something really flavorful (e.g. Indian dishes) and it’s a similar satisfying eating experience to something rich, if that makes sense.

      Why no Splenda?

      Doing other things that make you feel good and healthy can take some of the pressure off the eating part of the equation, IME. Good luck and happy almost wedding!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Can you eat watermelon? Watermelon saved my life when I gave up sugar. I wanted something sweet so badly.

  101. NicoleK*

    Ireland travel question. Anyone here travel to Ireland recently? Are the rental cars in Ireland equipped with GPS? I’ve been researching car rentals and it seems that they are an add on and there is a daily fee for GPS. I’ve rented 3 cars abroad the last 12 months and all came equipped with GPS.

  103. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

    Beating my head against a wall, need to vent a bit.

    1) Hubs leaves next week for OCS.

    2) Grandpa is most likely going to need a funeral arranged this week. This man raised me, and I will always be a very proud Marine’s granddaughter.

    3) Had to explain to 3+ pharmacy techs and two pharmacists that 9<12 before they finally understood that my prescription runs out sooner than they fill it. If it only lasts 9 flippin' weeks, it can't be filled only every 12 weeks!!!!

    Running on about 3 hrs of sleep but got a thing of M Dew for the day.

Comments are closed.