weekend free-for-all – March 3-4, 2018

by Alison Green on March 3, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng. Why did it take me so long? I don’t know but it’s wonderful. It’s about family and class and art and convention and loss. Read it!

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Julianne*

    Little Fires Everywhere was amazing. I was lucky to be one of the first to request it at my library, so I think I got it a week or two after it was released. Can’t wait to read it again, and to see what they do with the TV adaptation!

    1. Peanut*

      When I got Celeste Ng’s first book from the library, I stayed up all night until I finished reading it. I did the same thing with Little Fires. Bonus: Celeste Ng is the nicest person!

      1. Monsters of Men*

        When she tweeted that her mother’s reaction to her reaching the NYT Bestseller List was “OK. Going to brunch now.” I DIED.

    2. Brunch with Sylvia*

      Definitely in the minority here but I just did not love this novel. I was disappointed in the lack of development in the male characters..especially Moody. And as a lifelong Clevelander I was oddly irritated by the references to the local area. It makes me wonder how New Yorkers or Londoners feel when they (often) read about their hometowns in a fictional setting.

      1. phyllisb*

        I liked it, but felt like the ending was left hanging. It makes me wonder if there will be a sequel.

  2. Leela*

    How often do you really have to water a lawn? When in the year do you need to start doing it? This is my first time having a lawn to take care of and I’m clueless! Do I need a sprinkler system? Just me and a hose? What else do I need to know to take care of grass?

    1. nep*

      I know some people who ‘sacrifice’ having a terrific-looking lawn in order to conserve water. (And I guess in some cities water is rationed so people can’t water the lawn just whenever they want.) Just putting this out there as water conservation might be something to consider, especially depending on where you are.

      1. the gold digger*

        I am very Darwinian about my lawn. It needs to survive on the rainfall we get. I refuse to go through the hassle of watering.

        When the poor ChemLawn guy knocked on our door, trying to sell us lawn treatment services, I said, “Look at our yard. Does it look like I care if I have weeds?”

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Same here. I can’t be bothered to water the lawn. I will, however, water my garden (which isn’t big) since I’m trying very hard to maintain one and not kill it all.

        2. Snark*

          I tilled my yard and planted a mix of aridity-adapted shortrgrass prairie species in most of it, and a patch of nice-looking artificial grass for playing on. We’re in Colorado; it’s insane that we use what little water we have on Kentucky bluegrass, this side of the hundredth.

          1. Also in CO*

            Oooh, tell me more about what kind of grass you planted. I have a small yard and I despise watering the lawn. It seems so very wasteful of both water and my time. I’m looking into finally doing something with it this year that will make things easier on me and our (eventual) renters.

            1. Snark*

              I got a mix of native seeds from the local garden place – Spencer’s in Colorado Springs, if you’re familiar with it. Mostly buffalograss, blue and sideoats grama, some tall fescue.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                How long did it take to get established? My parents live in this area and have a huge new lawn to make pretty. They had clover at their old house but it was still very scrubby looking.

            2. Clever Name*

              Buffalograss does fine here with no watering after establishment. Plus it’s a very short grass so you don’t really have to mow it.

              1. Snark*

                Yeah, I’ve been very happy with it. We mow it periodically to keep it kind of level, but it’s been very low-maintenance.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            I read a book about yards, after getting it for my mil. A striking detail was that everyone in the stop-farming-grass group had some grass in their yard–you can’t beat it for a play surface with kids or dogs. They just didn’t use the whole outdoor expanse for flat grass.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I actually really like dandelions! There’s a field behind my house that sometimes is covered in them and it’s quite lovely.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              I also like dandelions, gosh darn it.

              Nothing with prickles, but if it flowers I’m fine with it showing up.

          2. Elf*

            Dandelions aren’t ornamental, they are a food crop! They are better than any other type of greens I’ve tried in soups that call for greens.

    3. RestlessRenegade*

      Really depends on your climate, amount of rainfall, size of the yard, etc! There also might be local watering laws to consider–where I am, we can only water one day a week at this time of year. Sprinkler systems make everything much easier, but you either have to install them or get them installed, and they do require a bit of maintenance (if a sprinkler head breaks for instance.) If your yard is small, you can probably get away with a sprinkler attachment that you put on the end of your hose and let run for a while. I’d say that if you notice the grass getting brown, it’s time to water more often and/or longer.
      I live in a place where it gets over 100° basically every day from June to August, and we had to water four times a week to keep the lawn nice. But I’d you’re in a cooler climate, you might not have to water so often. :)

      1. Wendy Darling*

        And if your yard is big you can still get away with the sprinkler attachment on the end of your hose, you just have to spend seriously all day dragging it around to different parts of your lawn.

        Two reasons I hate housesitting for my parents: 1. cleaning the cat box; 2. watering their accursed lawn. They looked into an in-ground sprinkler system but it was outrageously expensive and you only actually have to water your lawn ~4 months out of the year here because it rains enough.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I live in New England, and only water when the weather is hot and it hasn’t rained in a long time. There is a narrow band in which I consider watering worthwhile, and the town hasn’t imposed outdoor watering restrictions.

      I’m with Renegade on “when the grass gets brown” and gold digger on your landscaping needing to work with your climate.

    5. Fiennes*

      I live in an incredibly humid area, so here the answer is “never.” If I lived someplace where watering would be necessary, I think I’d find a native-plants/non-lawn solution. A lot of flat green just isn’t worth the trouble, to me.

    6. only acting normal*

      In Britain and similarly temperate rainy climates, never. It might die back to yellow/brown in a rare heatwave but you can trust that it will recover.
      I have Australian relatives and their lawn is a very different type of grass to the typical British lawn, much more drought resistant coarser grass that needs less water.
      What else to know? Don’t mow it when wet. If it gets very long, don’t cut it down to super short all in one go (a mower is more likely to rip it out by the roots if you try), you have to trim it a bit at a time and let it recover in between.
      Some lawns get mossy (unlikely if you are somewhere very dry) – some people see this as a problem and de-moss, I quite like it – it stays green when the grass is struggling and is pleasantly spongy soft to walk on.

      1. Can’t remember my name*

        I can’t even think of my lawn with over two feet of snow sitting on top of it right now. We haven’t even seen our lawn since before Christmas. But it was really hot and dry last summer and we tried to be very minimal in our watering. Our lawn didn’t look very green but didn’t get totally brown and dry either. The thing is nobody’s lawn looked good so it didn’t matter. The rare house here and there with a bright green healthy lawn looked out of place. Kind of shouting out to the world “We Waste Water!” Some of my neighbors have replaced their lawns with xeriscape which I would love to do but my husband loves his lawn.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I’d love to have my whole front garden covered in the nice spongy moss stuff. I love it, but my attempts to get it established have not been very successful.

    7. fposte*

      I live in an area of the midwest where spring is wet and July/August gets hot and dry. Some lawns go dormant then and there’s a local mix of people who water to stave that off and people who don’t; I’m in “people who don’t.” I’ll water garden plants that are new that year and that’s it.

    8. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I don’t generally water my lawn. Just means I have to mow it more often, so why would I punish myself?

      I will water other plants, but I purposefully select ones that will do just fine if I don’t. So I end up watering only NEW plants, or if it’s really dry for an extended period. I figure if a plant can’t survive without my watering it constantly, it’s the wrong plant for my area. I like low maintenance yards.

      1. Saucy Minx*

        First, do you really need a lawn? How big must it be, & why? Would you set up a net & play volleyball or badminton all spring & summer, or do you want a flat patch of green just for looks? If there’s enough room for doing somersaults, would that be sufficient?

        Can you go w/ ground covers, shrubs, & trees? My childhood memories are of stalking through the shrub borders & studying the grape hyacinths as they came up, then the daffodils. Good place to hide, too.

        Most important, choose native plants. They will thrive in your local conditions & not need extraordinary care, plus will offer shelter & food to wildlife & to honeybees.

    9. Mephyle*

      It depends a lot on your climate, your weather, and your expectations. If you want a green lawn all the time, water it if it hasn’t rained in a few weeks, or if it’s not looking lush and green. However, if your region is experiencing a drought or has chronic water shortages, your water use may be restricted.
      Know that if your lawn goes dry and brown, it will revive when it starts receiving consistent water again, even if it looks totally dead. So if you live where there is a yearly dry season, you can choose to just roll with it, let it go dry, and wait for the rainy season to revive it. The upside is that during the dry season, you hardly have to mow, if at all.
      Likewise if your region is experiencing a drought and you are restricted from watering your lawn, don’t worry about it; it will turn green again when the water or rain comes back.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Very baseline, keep it mowed. Keep it trimmed around trees, shrubs, etc.

      I hate saying this but do look to see what your neighbors are doing. If everyone has manicured lawns then you will probably end up doing the same or people will gripe.

      I live in rural America so I have no sprinkler system and no lawn fertilization program. Every August my lawn is brown, so is everyone else’s.

      If you are asking about a sprinkler system, I am guessing you do not have one and in an even larger leap in logic, I am going to guess that you do not need one to fit in with the neighbors.

      The other baseline thing to know is to rake up the leaves in the fall. Leaves will smoother a lawn if left all winter.

      How big is your yard, roughly? And do the houses around you look prim and proper and manicured?

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        A counter to mowing–if you have a yard that isn’t that visible and can get overgrown (e.g. fenced backyard) then it can be good to let the first round of growth in the spring go to seed. Grass is incredible at trapping moisture down at the roots–like, in a drought, midday, my feet would get wet–if it’s allowed to grow long. Letting the nearby successful grass donate its seed mix to any adjacent bare patches is the most effective patching we’ve ever done.

    11. Lujessmin*

      My lawn is on its own. If God doesn’t water it, then it doesn’t get watered. I have a lawn treatment service that comes by 4-5 times a year to keep the crabgrass and dandelions at bay, and soon my yard guys will start mowing.

    12. Lujessmin*

      My lawn is on its own. If God doesn’t water it, then it doesn’t get watered. I have a lawn treatment service that comes by 4-5 times a year to keep the crabgrass and dandelions at bay, and soon my yard guys will start mowing.

    13. Mrs. Fenris*

      I don’t water my lawn. I water flowers and vegetables, but the lawn is sink or swim. However…I do recommend having a lawn company come out and do the fertilizers and pre-emergents and stuff. I cancelled ours during the financial crisis, figuring how hard could it be to put down a $60 bag of pre-emergent in the spring or whatever, and the weeds really took hold. My lawn looked like a million bucks when we bought this house in 2004 and now it looks terrible, and my only real cure is to get new sod for a cool $4K.

      1. Anono-me*

        Maybe check out this month’s Handyman Magazine. They have an article about improving not so good lawns.
        In the past, I have found their advice to be pretty good.

    14. Expert Camelid Midwife*

      Speaking of all this grass, I really want to know what type of grass is in the park that looks up at the Goldengate Bridge and across from Alcatraz. That is some of the most lush and softest grass my bare feet have ever felt and I want to grow it in my yard. LOL

    15. LilySparrow*

      I don’t water anything that doesn’t feed me or my pollinators.

      If the grass dies, we throw clover seed on it.

    16. TiffIf*

      When I first moved from the east coast to the Rocky Mountains I was amazed to find that people watered their grass, on purpose.
      It really depends on where you live and what the climate is like. Nobody I knew growing up had sprinklers or ever bothered to water the lawn, but it is standard in desert/drier areas.

    17. Wrench Turner*

      Since owning my own home I have never watered the lawn, nor raked leaves. I only mow when I think the county is going to get grumpy. We water the garden where our food grows but that’s it. Anything else is a waste of resources to me. Our yard is healthy with its own leaves and trimmings, and if it gets a little dry so be it, it comes back with the rains. I live in a blue collar area so I don’t need to keep it looking like a golf course.

    18. Lady Russell's Turban*

      My mom once complained to my grandmother about having to mow the lawn yet again. My grandmother replied, “Margaret, if you didn’t water so much you wouldn’t have to mow so often.” I took that lesson to heart and never water. In the spring or a rainy summer, I sometimes have to mow twice a week, but some years in the height of summer I can go weeks without mowing. I have plenty of weeds that keep the yard looking green.

    19. N Twello*

      My town has strictly enforced by-laws about watering. We can only water our lawns one day each week, and on that day only for a couple of hours in the morning or evening.

      During the dry part of the summer, all the lawns in town get brown and brittle. They look dead but they’re just dormant. As soon as it rains they green up.

      I think that’s a good way to treat lawns.

    20. Anono-me*

      Check at a local nursery or hardware store or wait and ask a neighbor with a nice lawn for advice.
      Things to keep in mind:
      Watering early in the morning is best. (Midday heat will evaporate some of the water and evening watering risks fungus and other growth. )
      Watering thoroughly 1 time is better for deep root growth than watering lightly several times.
      Keep your lawnmower blade sharp to cut rather than rip the grass. You can tell when you are overdue for a sharpening if the tools of individual blades of grass look uneven and beige. (If you are handy you can take remove the blade and take it to the hardware store for sharpening your self.)
      Be sure any trees in your yard get enough water. Thirsty trees can cause all kinds of problems.
      If it freezes where you live; underground sprinkler systems need to be preped for winter each year to remove the water from the pipes.

      I have a very very long hose and a tractor sprinkler. Very old school, but it is about $150.00 and only takes about 5 minutes to set up for my huge back yard.

  3. matcha123*

    I have a hard time getting bad thoughts from taking over my waking moments. What do you guys do to distract yourselves? I’ve started writing a diary again. I’ve tried redirecting my thoughts. I’ve tried letting myself feel sad, etc. for a few moments and move on. I’ve tried exercise. I’ve tried talking with friends.
    Everything works for that time, but when I’m home, or in the shower, my mind runs through everything. I am tired of being this stressed. What do you guys do?

    1. nep*

      Wow crazy timing here. I’ve been thinking the past couple days — I wonder how common or uncommon it is to live, as I generally do, in a constant stream of fear, stress, sadness. Nights are especially bad. I wept in bed the other night because it’s just getting so OLD. (I hate crying.)
      And I’m one who has known the power of simply living in the moment and letting go the fear and stress; it really does work for me. And I am very aware of how fortunate I am. Also I’m much better off when I’m taking good care of my body — everything’s just better when I feel healthy. Just lately the negatives have been really heavy — a lot at once. And it’s Just. Constant.
      I don’t necessarily have advice…Just, I hear you. I hope you’ll find some relief.

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks, same to you, too. I feel better after exercising or having a cry. I’ll think that I’m foolish for brooding over silly things and that I need to just brush it off, then I think about how I’ve had to hold it together for years with limited support and all the depressing thoughts just creep back in. Stress is high and I push myself to look toward the good and remember the good, but it’s hard.

          1. LilySparrow*

            Yes, if you feel like it’s constant and taking over your life, definitely high time for a chat with a doc.

        2. Etg*

          Agree with Thayla. My partner has the overactive brain problem like you describe, and finally saw a doctor after many years. Talk therapy with a counselor helped, and a low dose of Lexapro just took the edge off the anxiety. They’re so much happier.

          I had different issues (ADD), and decided that I’d spent enough years trying coping strategies, feeling guilty for failing, etc etc, and for me, too, a little bit of medication has made me feel more like a functioning human. I sleep better, feel more confident and less anxious.

          I’m not a big fan of unnecessary medication, and everyone’s needs are different, but for me it meant doing myself a kindness, and acknowledging that I’d done my best and still needed a little help. But talk therapy alone can also be great for giving you coping strategies and finding root causes.

          2. matcha123*

            I’ve started opening up more to friends. They’ve shared with me for years and I think I’m at a place now where I can cash in on some of the accumulated stuff I’ve been carrying. It does feel a lot better to share something with multiple people, get their thoughts, and work towards a solution.
            I have been able to remind myself of what friends have said and that does a lot to talk me down from working myself up. And realizing that if a friend or other person doesn’t like me, that’s ok and I don’t need their approval.

        3. Betsy*

          You sound very self-critical (I am too so I understand). If you can change some of the ways you’re talking to yourself and cut out some of the labels like foolish or silly, and stop trying to push yourself to do things, that could really help.

        4. Tootsiemoll*

          Just a thought. The anxiety/stress you are experiencing is its own thing – not triggered by ‘silly foolish things’ – those are just what the anxiety/stress are grabbing onto to express itself. So if you are thinking, “my problems are small, I don’t need help” you could be right you don’t need help with the ‘silly things’ – but you may need help with the anxiety.

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      I don’t know if this is exactly applicable, but I struggle with intrusive thoughts a bit, and I also have social anxiety which partly manifests in me examining every little embarrassing social moment I have (and there are tons.) Something that has helped me with the intrusive thoughts is just accepting them. “Sure, I might cut my fingers up with my shaving razor. So what?” This robs them of the fear they once carried, because instead of putting all my effort into “don’t think that don’t think that don’t think that” I can just accept it and move on. I do a similar thing with recounting bad experiences– “Yep, that was embarrassing. Next!”
      Accepting the things I don’t like or wish weren’t happening has made it easier to deal with them because I’m not wasting energy debating or ignoring them. I hope that helps in some way!

      1. matcha123*

        It does and that’s similar to what I am reminding myself of. Life really is too short to waste feeling down. I get out and push myself to do the things I enjoy because I know it makes me feel better and helps uplift me.

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          That’s great! Something else I was thinking about too is that if I’m having a bad day, sometimes I just say, “I’m having a bad day today, and that’s okay.” I try not to beat myself up if I spent the day being negative or sad, because I just feel worse.
          I hope you find peace and feel better!

      2. MommaCat*

        With my intrusive thoughts, I’ve just decided that it’s my brain’s way of warning me of potential dangers…by giving me the worst-case scenario. “Throw that important paper out of the car window!” Oh, my brain is worried about losing the paper. I should roll up the windows so it doesn’t fly out. “I’m going to hit the baby’s head on the wall, oh no!” Well, let’s walk carefully around this corner, then; seems like a good idea to be careful with a baby, anyway. Hopefully this helps!

    3. Lily Evans*

      I find that forcing myself to think about something else works well. That something else can be a lot of things, like trying to run through the score of an entire musical (or just putting music on and singing along) or a movie I haven’t seen in a while, listening to a podcast and trying to actually pay attention, trying to remember something like a recipe or a poem or an old dance combination. Recently when I’m trying to fall asleep, I pick a day in my life where something memorable happened and try to walk through the day step-by-step, remembering a many of the details as I can. I also tend to get back into creative hobbies when I’m trying to distract myself from my own thoughts. I always keep some painting stuff around, and writing fiction always helps too because it’s worrying about fake problems for a while. If all else fails, binge watching a truly mind numbing reality tv show always helps for a bit.

    4. Emilie*

      I’ve felt like this during periods of my life. Honestly, getting therapy helped much more than I would have ever imagined. Cognitive therapy worked for me, but it might be different for other people. I always had the thought that “I’m not sad/stressed/anxious/whatever enough to go to therapy”, but that was just a part of all the bad thoughts for me. Talk to a therapist! It does wonders, and noone should live a life feeling stressed and sad, when there are things to be done about it! I’m rooting for you!

      1. matcha123*

        I’ve been doing something for a few years which I found out later is basically my own version of cognitive therapy. I’m working in a foreign country and therapy isn’t as big as back in the US. Logically I know that everyone doesn’t hate me and think I’m stupid. Logically I know that someone I had/have a crush on isn’t targeting me when they post pictures with their SO. Over the past two years I feel like my grip on my emotions has been all over the place. I know that my friends wouldn’t look down at me for asking for help, but I feel like a huge burden when I keep sharing the same things. I make an effort to ask about their lives so I don’t dominate the conversation and I agree to outings. I really hope I can crush this this year.

      2. nep*

        This is so interesting to me.
        I have absolutely zero inclination to reach out to a therapist. Just wouldn’t do it.
        I hear of so many people who see therapists (among my friends/family)…I just find it fascinating because it truly is the last thing I would do. I really can’t put a finger on why. (I truly detest sitting with someone and talking about my stuff.)

          1. LilySparrow*

            The thing is, you totally don’t have to talk about “your stuff” if you don’t want to. The most helpful therapists/counselors Ive had asked stuff like, “what’s your goal, what would you like to change about the way you deal with x”

            Or, “Let’s make a plan for things you might do when Y happens,”

            It’s not like the movies at all.

            1. nep*

              I can’t think of any therapy scenes I might have in my mind from a movie.
              Even the idea of sitting there with someone asking me questions like that…Nope. Not a draw for me in the least.
              I wonder — do some people go to therapy kicking and screaming, not wanting to go but ‘having’ to, and get something out of it? Probably.
              Anyway, interesting and thanks for the insight.

              1. Emilie*

                Every trip to my therapist’s office involved a pounding heart, sweaty hands and the desire to run away and hide. I did not enjoy it. But therapists are trained in talking to people who don’t like to talk to people, and I never actually felt uncomfortable or like she wanted me to talk about things, that I wasn’t comfortable sharing. It was pretty much like LilySparrow described; very focused on what I wanted to change, and how I was going to change it. It wasn’t me crying or talking about my emotions (but you can totally find a therapist who does that sort of thing, if this is what you feel like you need).

                Therapy is like going to the dentist, in my opinion. Noone really enjoys it. But it’s an important part of keeping yourself healthy and taking care of yourself.

                1. nep*

                  I’ve never heard it put that way.
                  I think we can accept that everyone needs to go to the dentist; the teeth, which every human has, will rot and can turn even fatal if not properly cleaned and maintained. I don’t think everyone needs to see a therapist in the same way as everyone needs to see a dentist. I don’t think I’m ‘protesting too much’ here just because of my non-interest in going to therapy — just curious about people’s thoughts on that.
                  I think people have many various ways — let’s say, in lieu of therapy — of keeping themselves healthy and taking care of themselves.

                2. Kj*

                  Nep, I’m a therapist and I completely agree that there are many ways to keep yourself healthy w/o therapy. That said, some people can’t figure those out without help and a good therapist should help work him or herself out of a job by giving people ways to do that. I tell the kids I work with the goal of therapy is not to need therapy anymore. I love when people graduate therapy and don’t need me anymore. I see myself like a medical specialist- when I have a throat issue, I go to my ENT for as long as I need to. Then I don’t go again until/if I have a problem. That is how I help the kids I work with(I only see kids). It isn’t for everyone, but as I tell folks, a therapist is a resource that not everyone needs, but when you need it you really need it. I see a therapist at times myself, although I’ve gone years without needing to as well.

              2. Another person*

                Therapy was super terrible but also helpful. My mom likes to describe it like physical therapy. Going to physical therapy can hurt a lot and sometimes they tell you to change something that seems tiny and stupid and won’t really make a difference, but if you follow through with it, even if it hurts or seems pointless, it does usually end up helping.

              3. Cedrus Libani*

                I’ve never been to therapy voluntarily, and I’ve still gotten something out of it.

                In grad school, I hit a rough patch, and it became clear to me that I needed to be on antidepressants for awhile. And I had to go to therapy to get them, and I very much did not want to. But I went anyway. Within about twenty minutes, the guy had figured out my problem, and had called me out on it. “But I actually AM worthless if I’m bad at my job… *blink* …you’re right, I should work on that.” And I did work on that, and the depression went away.

                Just as an athlete might have bad physical habits, causing reduced performance or even long-term damage, brains can have bad mental habits. It can be easier to correct these problems if you have a coach who can stand outside and watch you objectively. I don’t think it’s absolutely required, it just helps. I do think that if you’ve got one of those brains that will happily attack itself if you let it – and I do – learning to step outside your own thoughts and view them with coach-like objectivity is literally a matter of survival. I’d recommend a classic book about cognitive-based approaches, “Feeling Good” by David Burns. No wibble about your childhood, or your dreams, or your innermost fears – just practical techniques to deal with your brain when it’s in self-destruct mode.

                (And yes, I’ve also had years of therapy that were worse than useless. I have OCD – born with it, diagnosed age 5 – and got dragged in once a week to talk about it. I didn’t really understand what they wanted, but I learned real quick that if I said anything bad, they would repeat it to my parents. And then I’d get, at best, fussed at, and would probably also get punished. So I played with their toys, and told the happiest stories I could think of, and it was a complete waste of everyone’s time.)

    5. FrontRangeOy*

      Tetris or Some other game with repetitive patterns and problem solving. There are a few pilot studies floating around that use these types of games to interrupt thinking patterns in people experiencing PTSD and other mental health crisis. Twenty or 30 minutes is usually enough time for me to get over a negative or escalating pattern and over time it’s gotten easier to interrupt myself without need for a game.

      1. Alice*

        Ooh, tangrams! That’s the game with, I don’t know, six or seven geometric pieces in different shapes. You can get sets in wood or plastic, and you try and combine them to make silhouettes from a book of patterns. Nice analog option compared to Tetris.

    6. Thlayli*

      Things that work best for me are the obvious stuff like exercise getting enough sleep eating healthily avoiding alcohol etc.

      Sometimes it’s not possible to do all of that though and at those times I do struggle. Things that work sometimes are watching comedy, reading until tired, thinking about happy stuff.

      1. nep*

        Watching some of my favourite comedy sitcoms on YouTube sometimes helps me as well. I had to finally just ‘allow’ myself to ‘waste’ time doing that. It’s another case of just letting myself be in the moment and enjoy what is, rather than overthink and second-guess every little thing.
        I’m quite glad we’re coming up to milder weather. Sunshine and fresh air do absolute wonders.

      2. Trixie*

        This. I also focus on the good things, gratitude list if you will. The biggies include health, family, close friends. Then those things I’ve accomplished which can help me on to other goals. But some days I just accept I’m not feeling great and go with it, knowing it will pass.

      3. matcha123*

        I actually have started watching more comedy specials and noticed how laughing helped.

    7. StrikingFalcon*

      I think at the point where you feel like they are taking over your life, it is worth talking to a professional, if that’s an option.

      For me, I’ve had two patterns of negative thoughts I’ve been grappling with recently. The first was unrealistic expectations of myself – basically yelling at myself for not doing “enough” even when “enough” was physically impossible. That one was an easier habit to break than I thought it would be – I just worked on replacing the mean thoughts with calmer, more accurate thoughts, like “I made a mistake” not “what is wrong with you.” I would say that one took a few months to improve by 80 or 90%.

      The other, more intrusive thoughts are a symptom of anxiety. Specifically I get really disproportionate feelings of shame over minor social interactions. Going on medication made an unbelievable difference – I had no idea how much stress I was under until suddenly it was gone. I still get them sometimes – I’ve been talking to my therapist lately about them, and she says shame is a fear response. That we feel like that when our minds think that the thing we did / said could put us in danger (e.g. leave us socially isolated, etc.). It’s really hard to bring them up, but talking them over with her completely robs them of any power.

    8. M*

      I have struggled with this a LOT. I have found a good therapist who is helping me so I recommend that. I specifically looked for someone with experience with CBT, as it focuses on thoughts and behaviors rather than a more traditional talking about my childhood therapy. (Also, I always tell people I went through 3 therapists before I found the one I go to now– therapy is all about the relationship so if you get someone who is not the best fit at first, it can be worth it to try again).

      But, even more, (and I know this is going to sound crazy because I thought it was crazy before I tried it) I started eating grain and sugar-free. I experienced a significant -HUGE really- reduction in both social anxiety and negative thought patterns. It’s made me a little scared of how much influence whatever billions of tiny bugs living in the human intestinal tract have over our brains. But that aside, I can say as a skeptic that it really has worked for me and my quality of life is significantly improved. After about 4 months of eating differently, I attended an annual conference in my industry that in the previous years I had spent hiding in my hotel room during any non-mandatory event. The most recent one, I found myself much more easily spending time with colleagues, networking, and participating in some of the more social events. I had a colleague tell me she thought I didn’t like anyone before that. I realized how much my anxiety was holding me back in my career as well as my social life.

      Because everyone always asks: I followed the Primal Blueprint but there are a ton of versions of this and I won’t say that this one is right for everyone or that this will work for everyone but it has more than worked for me.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        I had the same experience. I’m a scientist, and I know how this sounds…but I’ve had OCD since I was self-aware enough to notice, and it went away. I did not expect that to happen. I just went on a diet because I was getting fat.

        My diet is high-fat, low-carb. I’m that weirdo with the half-gallon of heavy cream in the work fridge. I’ve never felt better, either mentally or physically.

    9. Fiennes*

      This used to be a huge issue for me. It still crops up, but largely I’ve gotten much better. What I did:

      1) got diagnosed with depression & found meds that work for me

      2) did four years of CBT with the guy I refer to as my “one true therapist.” He understood me, and knew how to say things in a way I could hear. That ended a decade ago, but I still analyze a lot of my more extreme emotions through that lens and am often able to work through them.

      3) exercised more. People can talk about endorphins all they want, but honestly I think the biggest thing it does for me is make me so tired that I have to fall asleep instead of tossing and turning with bad thoughts.

      The CBT can really be invaluable if you find the right therapist. One of my huge issues was falling into mental ruts—these endless cycles of anxiety/sadness/frustration that repeated and reinforced themselves. It was the CBT that taught me how to recognize this kind of thing and push through it.

      Good luck to you. I know it’s awful.

    10. Florida*

      When you start thinking about bad things, try counting backwards from 100 by 8’s (or any other thing that requires you to actually concentrate). It can’t be saying the alphabet or counting by 2’s because you can do that mindlessly. By the time you are finished, you won’t be thinking of bad thing anymore.
      Depending on what the bad thing is, you may have to do this a lot, like several times a day.
      This sounds very hokey, almost like something you would tell a kid to do, but try it a few times before you would dismiss it.

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        This is very similar to playing a game that uses problem solving and patterns to disrupt the thought process . And doesn’t need an electronic device that may disturb sleep patterns more. I hope this helps OP, it will certainly help me

    11. only acting normal*

      I’d recommend trying it under the supervision of a councillor/therapist at first but Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) worked for me, especially the breathing exercises. It takes a bit of regular practise to get the hang/habit, then if you find bad thoughts intruding again at any time you can use the skill to stop the cycle.

    12. Overeducated*

      For me, two things. One is trying to fill up my time more with joyful things so I have less time and space for those thoughts. The other is leaning into them…like, way in, so instead of focusing on a particular worry I think and read about the inevitably of death*, how short a time we have on this planet and with each other, where my worry is in perspective to that…it doesn’t make me happy, but I don’t think being happy is necessarily the goal here, I would like to be better at accepting thr whole reality of life.

      *Caveat: I am not currently staring the immediate death of myself or loved ones in the face, grief is a very different kind of beast.

    13. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I think you’re doing the right things, and they’re working. The problem is you’re expecting the right thing that you did yesterday to prevent today’s negative thoughts and it can work that way but it takes a really long time. Think of your brain like it’s a 5 year old that knows it will get cookies if it nags often enough. You have to say no many more times than the last time when you gave in before they will accept the no. And you have to do that many more times to prove that yes, this time you also mean no. And that next time you will also mean no. And then they’ll still occasionally check to see if maybe today is special. Some people will be able to retrain their brains to have less negative thoughts. Some people can do that with a little extra help from medication. Some people will always have a higher level of negative thoughts that occur, even with medication and behaviors, and need to focus on accepting that while continuing the techniques that work for them. To use another analogy, it’s like diabetes or many other chronic conditions: some people get better or even are “cured” with treatment. Some people, no matter how well they follow their treatment protocol, will always have it and will always need to be in treatment. It doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong or need to try something else.

      You can also try using a more neutral approach and label negative thoughts as “unhelpful.” I have hobbies that I can get completely absorbed in that quiet my negative thoughts. I’m often listening to podcasts while I do them which also helps. And my brother once mentioned that he doesn’t notice the daily benefit of exercise on his anxiety, but he notices the change when he stops exercising. I also think it helps to think of yourself on the same side as your thought patterns and work with yourself to make a change instead of fighting the thoughts.

      1. matcha123*

        I will keep this in mind. I spent twoish years working through issues I had with my relationship with money and I now know how to recognize the times and things that will set me on edge. I guess since my current thoughts are related to people around me, it might take a little more time and dedication.
        Exercise has definitely played a huge role in helping my mood. I have a mental checklist that I go through when I am feeling bad and lack of exercise is one item I look for.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Get your hands busy. It does two things makes us think about the immediate activity AND because we are touching things in the process of keeping our hands busy it tends to ground us, bring us back from where ever we were at.

      I would also look at minerals/electrolytes. It sounds like you have done most of the things that are like a “tune-up” for your brain, so it could be that you are low on minerals. No amount of positive thinking is going to increase depleted minerals in the body.
      You could check out a drink with electrolytes in it. Here is something pretty cool to know, if you need the minerals the drink probably will taste good to you. If you don’t need the drink, it may not taste all that great. I have the same experience with bananas. When I am low on potassium, I catch myself thinking “Gosh, I don’t remember bananas tasting this fantastic.” Then I have a second banana. It does not taste as good as the first. Probably because my potassium levels are starting to come up again after the first banana.

      Not a doc, but from my own experience, if my heart is tired my thinking will tank. Again no amount of positive thinking or positive actions is going to fix this. In this case I need some vitamin B and a nap.

      How’s your water intake? Even minor constipation can mess up our thinking. Make sure those bowels are working more than once a day.

      And a big picture question, are you happy with how life is going? More importantly are you content with how things are? You know, if we are not content in our setting then our minds can really kick in to warp drive trying to pull us out of where we are at.

      1. matcha123*

        You might be on to something with minerals and water. I can go all day without drinking anything and it’s not until I feel moody, have a headache, feel down that I realize that I have only had a cup of coffee all day. It’s interesting you mentioned constipation because I felt great after a spectacular bowl movement the other day.
        I’m not terribly content with my life at the moment. It’s better in some areas, and I’m pushing myself to study new things so that I can eventually open new doors.

    15. TheLiz*

      You said you’ve been carrying things for years, and are beginning to get better. Give yourself time – you have strategies that are working great, and chewing over things you wouldn’t let yourself feel at the time may very well taper off after a while. (Doesn’t help with the day-to-day, but I hope it’s something to look forward to?)

    16. Junior Dev*

      Hey, you’re always welcome to post in the mental health thread I do every week.

      As someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life:

      * Journaling
      * Doing a hobby or sport that’s totally unrelated to whatever life responsibility is stressing you out
      * Regular exercise. I don’t know if your relationship with exercise is one where you’ve been guilted about it or felt it’s something you “should” do but don’t want to. All I can say is that biking, weight lifting, roller skating, yoga, running, and hiking have all helped me immensely; if you can find some way to move your body you genuinely enjoy I think it will help a lot. It doesn’t have to be a traditional form of exercise–dancing, rock climbing, volunteering to plant trees or pick up trash, walking a friend’s dog.
      * Talking to friends and family. If you worry about burdening anyone, try to spread out who you talk to, and be sure to ask them how they’re doing too.
      * Seeking professional help. I see a therapist every week who’s been so helpful in helping me sort out my various insecurities and distorted thoughts, and I just started a new medication that has helped so much. You don’t have to do this, but if you do you don’t have to take a medication or see the same therapist for the rest of your life, and you can see a doctor or counselor just to talk over your options without making a decision right away.

    17. Lissa*

      Me too. I’m in the process of trying to see a therapist or counselor for what I suspect may be OCD or similar, but it’s gotten *bad*. It’s weird, because for me…I lived in a bad situation as a kid and didn’t get away until I was 20. My mental health was really bad up till that point but a lot of it got better when I moved away. I had about 5 or 6 years of feeling pretty good brain-wise. Then a few years ago I started having creeping intrusive thoughts, major spirals, etc.

      I’m like you – things work for a time but when I’m alone it comes back. The only thing that has worked for me is finding something else to occupy my thoughts, but that has led to obsessive tendencies as well, for instance constantly thinking about a character I’m roleplaying. But for awhile those thoughts were fun, not like knives in my brain.

      Exercise/long walks with podcasts have helped, but when it gets really bad nothing does.

      1. matcha123*

        I’m similar. I grew up being told a lot of negative stuff and when I tried to share with close friends, they shut me down and switched the topic to their own problems. I’ve found it difficult to feel comfortable sharing with friends and that’s probably caused many people who would have been there to help to feel not as close to me. I made it a goal to start sharing more about myself with my friends and reduce relationships that aren’t positive in some way.

    18. Jax*

      I started taking yoga classes and after a couple weeks (it seemed like a short time) I was really able to stop the bad thoughts spiral. I had been interested in meditation for a long time but thought I didn’t have the focus for it, but yoga helped with the focus to do guided meditation. So, sometimes I replaced my spiraling thoughts with a mantra (Like “I’m am here.”, “I love me” or “I will go for it.” and sometimes I turn on the meditation app (I use 10% happier but there are a ton of free ones.)

    21. LilySparrow*

      I am religious, and find a lot of help & comfort in prayer and devotional reading. No matter what your beliefs, you can try memorizing helpful quotes, poems, or songs and recite them to yourself in those vulnerable moments. It’s an active habit to replace the negative one.

      I’ve also seen a lot of improvement by limiting my news exposure, being selective about my media consumption (I consider myself “allergic” to dark storytelling).

      Also physical brain care, including maximizing sleep, taking vitamin D, and getting 25-30 percent of my calories from clean fats (including some saturated fat).

      For me, getting my thyroid meds and ADHD meds right were also important in dealing with anxious thoughts and tension.

    22. Wendy Darling*

      This is weird, but there is a song from Steven Universe about mindfulness called “Here Comes A Thought”. When I get in the bad-thoughts loop I sing it (in my head or out loud, depending). It helps me acknowledge the thought, and then also reminds me that it’s just a thought and I can let it go.

      In fairness, I have a fairly severe but currently extremely well-treated anxiety disorder, so this is a strategy I arrived at after years of therapy (CBT did not work for me… DBT did), and I remain on medication. If this is something that’s really disrupting your life, maybe a few sessions with a therapist would be worthwhile?

      At first it was really hard for me to let go of my negative thoughts. I had to force myself to practice a lot, even when I thought it was stupid. Sometimes it still doesn’t work, but mostly it does.

      1. Saturnalia*

        Actually, Steven universe is one of my go-to tools for feeling better. I have rewatched that show so many times in the last 2 years, and it always helps me. I definitely struggle with intrusive thoughts, plus paranoid anxiety and severe depression. The whole show soothes and uplifts, even the more actiony/stressful episodes later on.

        Another tool is refocusing on facts in the present moment. Sometimes I start with myself and zoom out (I’m in a body that hurts, in a bathroom that needs cleaning, in a house I mostly like, in a neighborhood with great trees, etc), sometimes I go through my senses (name 5 things I see, 4 I hear, 3 I can touch, 2 I can smell, etc).

        I agree with the advice to go ahead and waste time on distraction. Distraction stops the thoughts, and in less time than sitting with them would. So it only feels like a waste because we’re trapped in an awful feeling where everything we do is awful and we suck (maybe just me? Lol)

    23. Betsy*

      My therapist said to just let the thoughts happen and don’t try to stop them (and feel the negative feelings even if they’re difficult). That seemed a little hippie-ish to me, and just like it wouldn’t work at all, but I tend to have far less negative thoughts overall when I’m not trying to prevent or suppress them. Maybe you can just set aside a bit of time during the day (even just 15 mins) to just sit with the thoughts and feelings and let them go through your head without judgment. The only thing I found was that it took a little while for my thoughts and feelings to settle down and be more manageable. I know you said you’ve tried letting yourself feel sad for a few moments, but it could be good just to check that you’re not trying to push the thoughts away. It’s like when people say ‘don’t think of a polar bear’ and then it’s impossible not to, so if you are telling yourself not to have bad thoughts then it might just be generating more of them.

      I think adding extra self-care in is important too. It’s much easier to become overwhelmed and stressed if you haven’t had a break or haven’t done something nice for yourself.

    24. Wrench Turner*

      I walk and breathe; sitting meditation only if the weather is really awful. I look at the life around me and try to be grateful for what is here and now right in front of me. Old homes, weird neighbors, the birds I know, new flowers; right here and now. Seeing a therapist finally was an important part of it.

    25. The Commoner*

      I try to do something kind for someone else. Now it doesn’t fix the issue for me, but it certainly distracts. After activities I can then evaluate if my previous issue was minor and now in the past, or something more that I need to work through.

      I’m one who likes to process all my emotions to get back to what I call my baseline. (My baseline is a quiet girl who’s very simple or basic.). This also causes me to continue asking myself “why” until I’ve answered the question.

      Example – I tell myself I don’t like to fly. Why? Because I’m scared of a crash, because I’d be scared of dying. And why scared of dying? Because I fear no one would notice I’m gone, which means no one notices now. Or that my faith is too weak for the afterlife. Long story short, I’m fearful of not being in control of something I can’t control anyways. Once I’ve thought it through enjoy, I recall that my coworkers enjoy me, my family misses me, and that I’m spinning this around in my head.

      Not sure that this helps, but I wish you the best.

    26. June*

      It sounds like you doing the right things but have you thought seeing a nutritionist? I have celiac disease and anxiety. The reason I mention that is those with celiac will often have low B and iron. So I take B complex and iron and if I miss a few dosages, I quickly get anxious for no reason (and run down which doesn’t help either). To help with my disease and anxiety, I take B complex, vitamin D, iron, multivitamin for women, and probiotics. I know that sounds like a lot but it helps my digestive system and brain run smoothly. Oh, I also gave up chocolate and caffeine. Both greatly helped with my stomach/brain issues as well. I wish you the best of luck!

  4. Handy nickname*

    Hi all, I am moving out in 3 weeks and I am so excited! Thank you all for your advice a couple of weeks ago about packing- I didn’t get a chance to come back and comment, but I read all of them and really appreciate all your suggestions.

    I have been packing a few boxes every day or doing something to prepare- washing all my new pots and dishes, sorting through my book collection, etc. and it feels so good to getting ready. I work at a grocery store, so I’ve just been bringing a stack of empty boxes home every couple days. Definitely will take your advice too about having “first days” boxes to unpack first.

    The move is really hard on my family too- we’re very close, in a subculture where people don’t really leave home until they “have to” e.g. take a job far away, get married, etc. so I’ve been finding people- a couple friends, a coworker or two, an extended family member- who are really happy for me, so when I do exciting things towards moving out like sign a lease! Get my apartment key! I have people to tell who are like “yeah, you go girl! So happy for you!” and that helps.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Purge–though if it’s your first move into more space you may not need to. It’s discouraging to UNpack a box and realize you didn’t use this stuff in the past 3 years.

      1. Handy nickname*

        Yeah, I’m moving out of half a bedroom that I’ve lived in for the past 20 years into a (small) 2-bedroom with no roommates, so I’ll probably have room for everything, but there’s definitely stuff I should get rid of

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I’ve lived in my house for 18 years, and plan to rent a dumpster this summer for some major purging. Like, there are saplings in the climber–we don’t need to preserve it as a monument to childhood memories any more.

    2. Fiennes*

      Designate one box as the “first box.” In there, pack (a) some bedding, (b) dining utensils, can opener, etc., (c) any everyday-use tech that won’t be in your purse or suitcase; (d) toiletries that wouldn’t be in the suitcase; (e) at least one towel and a shower curtain/mat if you need those; and, if applicable, (f) fear for the weather you’re moving into. It really helps when you can crack open just one box and have the essentials for your health and comfort immediately on hand.

      Signed, a person who once found her can opener in the very. last. box.

    3. Rookie Manager*

      Such an exciting time! Hope the move itself goes well. Your family will adjust to you moving out and be excited for you in time.

    4. Seal*

      I’m moving back to the Midwest in a few months after over a decade in the Deep South and am finding the sorting and tossing to be SO satisfying. It’s amazing how much unnecessary stuff one person can accumulate over time. This has been a particularly productive weekend – yesterday I took a whole carload of junk to the landfill and today I’m taking a carload of stuff to Goodwill. I still have a ways to go and fortunately a fair amount of time to prepare, but I’m making an effort to downsize. No need to pay to move anything I don’t intend to keep.

    6. Garland not Andrews*

      Don’t know if anyone mentioned it in the first thread, but be sure to put first aid supplies in your “Open First” box. Adhesive bandages, antiseptic, pain reliever. Nothing too complex, but enough to handle the scrapes and bumps that are bound to happen!
      Happy moving! I’m doing it too! March 23-24.

  5. WellRed*

    I have had a rough week, with some sort of upper respiratory infection. Can’t sleep due to coughing and nose blowing all night (I went to quick care). Now I have conjunctivitis in both eyes. I am a big chicken when it comes to eye things. Is there a trick to eye drops? And, how long till I start looking human? Ugh.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      There is a trick to eye drops! Tilt your head back (or lie down) and look toward your nose. Then put the drop in at the outer corner of your eye. That way it’s not landing right in the center of your eye, and it will be much more comfortable.

      1. Patsy Stone*

        Nurse here…another tip is, once you’ve applied the eye drops, close your eyes and briefly press/hold the inner corners of both eyes (where the tear ducts are). You can do this one eye at a time as well. This prevents the bitter or metallic after-taste that can sometimes be felt in the back of the throat after applying drops.

      2. Beatrice*

        I gently pull down my lower lid to create an open pocket in front of my eye, and I drop the eyedrop there, and then close my eyes and blink a couple of times. An eye doctor showed me that trick during a childhood eye exam, and I have done it ever since! You just have to be very careful not to touch your eye with the bottle tip.

        I was able to start giving myself eyedrops at 8 or 9 instead of my parents having to forcibly give them to me while I resisted (I had miserable seasonal allergies as a child, with frequent itchy eyes, but man, I hated eyedrops dropped straight into my eyes from a distance!)

    3. Merci Dee*

      I do my eye drops kind of the opposite way of Alison. I drop them right on the very inner corner of my eye, sort of right on the tear duct and not on my eyeball at all, and blink so that the liquid spreads over the surface of my eye. By putting the drop in my tear duct, I avoid that jump from having something directly on my eye.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That’s what I do.

        Be careful not to get the tip of the dropper / bottle too close to your eye. I poked myself really hard doing that, so hard that I had to wear an eye patch for almost a week. Everyone at my job kept saying “Arrr!” at me. It got old.

        Also, don’t hold the cap in your teeth while you use the eye drops. That’s how playwright Tennessee Williams died (he swallowed the cap and choked).

        2. BeautifulVoid*

          Daaang. Not that I didn’t believe you, but I immediately had to go and look this up (the Tennessee Williams part) because it’s so crazy, I can’t believe I’d never heard it before.

    4. Elsie*

      I put eye drops in other people all the time. My trick is to close your eyes and put a drop right on the edge of your eyelid. When you open your eyes, the drops fall right into your eye.

        1. WellRed*

          Eewww! No tugging of lids (see eye chicken : ). I have to do 4 drops a day for 7 days, so I certainly have the chance to try all the suggestions.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        With kids, sometimes it is the only option because they squeeze their eyes shut or blink just as I go in with the dropper. Generally, anything that involves the drop gently easing onto your eye rather than falling from a distance is the way to go.

        For myself, I go with putting the drop in the inner corner while looking away.

    6. NaoNao*

      This may not be the most sterile of methods but…I wash my hands extremely well, and then I drop a tiny puddle of drops into my palm. Then I lower my eyes/raise my palm and blink the drops in!

    7. MeghanK*

      I cannot stand seeing eye drops at all – I always blink reflexively. Months of trwatment for something meant I had to find a way. Look up the lower lid technique.

      I tilt my chin up a couple inches. Look in a mirror, use my index finger to pull on the skin below my lower eyelid, and use my other hand to add the drop to the pouch formed by the lower lid. Then I’d roll my eye with the lids closed to distribute the medication over the eyeball if it was a thick medication. The eye corner pinch helped too, with the bitter taste and sometimes stinging of some drops.

    8. Seal*

      I’ve been dealing with a serious eye issue (uveitis) for the past couple of years that involves lots of eye drops. At the height of this thing, I had to put in steroid eye drops every hour while I was awake for several days at a time; I had to set the alarm on my phone to remind me because an hour goes by quickly. Needless to say, I’m very, VERY good at eye drops!

      My technique is to wash my hands, tip my head back, pull my lower lid down gently, put the drop in, then keep my eye closed for up to a minute. Works every time.

      As frustrating as my eye condition is, I’ve found conjunctivitis to be much worse, although with treatment it does go away pretty quickly. Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  6. Namast'ay in Bed*

    Has anyone listened to the Harvard Business Review work advice podcast? It’s relatively new and I was excited to have a supplementary podcast to the AAM one, but I’ve found it…disappointing.

    Examples- someone wrote in asking for advice on managing someone significantly older than them who was bristling, and their advice was essentially “try not to act young, you’re probably bothering them with your youth” and even said something along the lines of “don’t use Snapchat to send work documents instead of email, that will show you’re too young”. What?? So useless and condescending.

    They also were suuuuper in favor of workplace romances, because of looooovvvvve. Yuck.

    I guess I’ve grown too accustomed to Allison’s wonderful advice to stomach it. I haven’t gone back to listen to it since the first two episodes were duds, maybe it will get better?

    1. neverjaunty*

      I am a fan of not throwing good money after bad. If it’s terrible, why waste time listening to more terrible in the unsupported hope that it might get better?

      Also, ew.

      1. the gold digger*

        If it’s terrible, why waste time listening

        Oh, I don’t know. Some of my favorite book club meetings are the ones where we talk about how much we all hated the book.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Definitely! But it’s also possible to hate a book that was OK in parts but had some horrible flaws or the world’s stupidest ending. (I’m looking at you, Jodi Picault.)

          As a nerd, it is a Thing in need culture where people will urge you to slog through multiple volumes of crap because “it really picks up in Season Three!” or “the first few books in the series are mediocre but then it gets good” or “sure, the movie is meh but if you see it then you’ll have a lot more context for OtherMovie” and I am no longer having with it. Life is too damn short.

          1. Clever Name*

            Seriously. I stopped reading the first Outlander 2/3 of the way through, and I don’t regret it one bit. People have told me that it gets better after the first two books, but why waste my time reading books I don’t enjoy?

            1. Lissa*

              It most certainly does not! (imo of course!) . I think the first three books of Outlander are good and then it gets really bad really fast. If you don’t like the first one I can’t see why you’d like the rest…

          2. Typhon Worker Bee*

            “the world’s stupidest ending. (I’m looking at you, Jodi Picault.)”

            My Sister’s Keeper, by any chance? I loved 95% of that book but HATED the ending. I literally threw the book across the room, which I’ve only ever done with one other book (A Storm of Swords, red wedding #FUGeorgeMartin #Stillnotoverit)

            1. neverjaunty*

              HOW DID YOU GUESS

              Few things piss me off more than lazy authors. “Oh wow, I’ve set up a really tough narrative and the reader is going to wonder how on earth it will get resolved. Huh, I can’t figure it out either. Magic idiotic plot twist time! The end!”

              1. dragonzflame*

                The Lovely Bones, too. Fantastic premise, great reading – until the author clearly got stuck on how to end it and lost her head, probably after watching Ghost late at night.

                1. BeautifulVoid*

                  Oh good, I’m not the only one who had this reaction. Great book, wonderfully written…until the last 10-20 pages or so, where I could only blink at it and say “…wut?”

            2. Cruciatus*

              OMG, I was just telling someone about how I threw that book across the room after finishing it! My sister threw the final Divergent trilogy book (Allegiant?) across the room. We all have that one book. Maybe two.

            3. Typhon Worker Bee*

              I read that book 10 years ago and I’m still mad about it! How could she do such a great job setting up that complex and heart rending scenario, pulling the reader’s emotions in a million different directions along the way, and then end the story with the biggest cop-out deus ex machina ever written?! Infuriating!

            6. Nic*

              I threw Storm of Swords across the room after that, too. Specifically the Arya and the Hound scene. Only book I’ve ever thrown.

              Note to self: Don’t read My Sister’s Keeper in hardback.

              1. Typhon Worker Bee*

                Heh, I threw that book once after the red wedding, retrieved it, then threw it again when I read the Arya/Hound follow-up. I’m not usually a violent person but that was just too much for me.

          3. DoctorateStrange*

            UGH, I can’t stand Picault these days. Between that awful ending of My Sister’s Keeper and book that was so insulting towards autistic people, I want to stay away from her.

            1. Casca*

              Argh, yes, not to mention adding in that maybe it’s vaccines. One of the only books I’ve actually just tossed in the recycling instead of rehoming

        2. JamieS*

          I think listening to the podcast again would be more akin to reading the terrible book then reading more books by the same author that also wind up all being terrible and then still expecting books (particularly ones of the same genre) by that author to be good. At some point you’ve become a reading masochist.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Don’t use Snapchat to send work documents.
      Just spontaneously, they feel this is what the Youth might be doing?

      looooovvvvve
      No more rom-coms for you, Harvard Business Review.

      If you have any interest in politics, I enjoy 538’s (posts late Mondays, casual arguing) and Washington Posts’s Can He Do That? (Such a good question!) which posts Fridays. If you like words, Says You from NPR.

      1. hermit crab*

        I am imagining Snapchat as the modern answer to “this message will self destruct in five… four…” Could be useful in some very select work environments!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Sending passwords!

          One of my favorite little scenes on Limitless was when genius guy deduced the 10-digit ever-changing password to the radioactive waste storage…. by reading it off the wall where the employees had written it.

    4. Triplestep*

      Messaging and/or texting work-related documents must be prevalent enough that the snapchat advice made the final cut on this podcast. Or maybe it was a tongue-in-cheek way to say “stick to e-mail” and they just landed on snapchat to be funny and it landed badly?

      I don’t know. I DO know that my kids – both in their twenties, both in higher ed and looking for work – SWEAR that they check their e-mail daily. They do not. One of them abandoned an e-mail address that I had to point out was attached to his Linkedin. The other set up a Gmail address strictly for job-searching (on the advice that her .edu account calls attention to her student status). I am wringing my hands over her missing an important job-related e-mail because she does not check the e-mail account she professes to actually use.

      My kids are bright and accomplished, and yet we still need to text them if we e-mail something important. They will take these habits to a workplace soon, so in a world where people are often away from their desks and use phones for work-related communication, I am not surprised that someone thinks its necessary to tell younger managers to stick to e-mail.

      1. Clever Name*

        Yeah. I’ve had to tell younger coworkers that they need to keep outlook open at all times. They are used to email apps that notify them when they get an email regardless of whether the app is “open” or not.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I believe you can still set up gmail accounts (and others too, I’m sure) to combine all your emails in one account. Or set up an app like K-9 mail that checks all of your email accounts. A mild pain to set up the first time but then you have everything in one place.

        1. Triplestep*

          I suggested this feature of Gmail to both kids (I use it) even explaining that they can respond from the Gmail account and make it appear to the recipient that it is coming from their school account, if that is what they wish. This did not seem to have any impact. Remember, they are both insisting that they actually check their e-mail, so why would they need this advice from Mom?

          I would say this is limited to my kids being dopey, but I have had this conversation with friends whose kids are in the same demographic, and it’s a common story. We can’t figure out why they INSIST they are checking their e-mail when they clearly are not. And it’s not just our e-mails. My daughter was nearly charged an amount nearing $1K by her university health services for insurance she did not need after “not seeing” multiple e-mails from them. You do not miss multiple e-mails on the same subject concerning a large sum if you are checking your e-mail on any kind of regular basis.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            Actually, I wonder if somehow these emails are getting pushed out of the “primary” inbox. At least on my phone, gmail sorts things into various categories automatically, and many important emails have been wrongly sorted into the promotions or updates categories.

            1. Triplestep*

              Oh, right – I seem to remember that if you take the default settings, Gmail will sort your e-mail for you. I think when I first set it up I tweaked things because I wanted more of an “outlook experience”.

              Both kids are using university accounts, or rather *ignoring* university accounts, so I’m not sure any kind of sorting thing applies. I think I would have heard about it by now – it would have given some weight to their defense! But thanks for the tips; I don’t mean to sound argumentative or like I don’t appreciate your astute comments.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                Ah, I see. They they are “checking” it but not actually reading any of them. Can’t help you there because I do the same thing! ;-)

      3. JamieS*

        There’s a world of difference between not checking your personal email every single day and not knowing not to send work documents via Snapchat. Not to mention a manager isn’t the same as college students who sounds like they have little to no office experience. Even if the manager entered the workforce not knowing about email norms they would’ve quickly learned the lesson long before becoming a manager so it’s still a condescending comment.

        Also, just as an aside, checking email daily usually means scanning for important looking emails not looking at every email received. Not to mention not checking every day doesn’t mean a person doesn’t check their email. I’m also baffled why you and your friends seem to be so involved in your adult children’s email habits. Maybe you aren’t as involved as your posts make it sound but regardless you’ve already told them email is important, time to let them succeed on their own or fall flat on their face and learn from that.

    6. June*

      You could try listening to the Dave Ramsey Show podcast. It’s focus is money but it talks about work, relationships, etc. I listen to and from work every day. Plus its free!

  7. DuchessCarrie*

    Do long distance relationships ever work out? Is there a way to help them work out? My friend and her fiance have always had a great relationship, so I was surprised when she told me they fight all the time. Mainly about how little time they get to spend together.

    1. matcha123*

      I was in a long-distance relationship for about 3 years and ended it last year. I think they can work if both parties make an effort to meet frequently, talk frequently, and communicate their needs clearly. I think it’s especially important for the couple to have a solid relationship before doing long-distance.
      What killed it for me was the lack of effort on my boyfriend’s side when it came to meeting. I suggested meeting in different places so that it was like a mini vacation. He never wanted to do that and never did. He also never wanted to talk on the phone or chat online. He was in a larger city and wanted me to visit him so he could show me off to his coworkers. He also wanted us to get married, but I didn’t see anything changing with his communication and decided ending it was the best.

    2. ainomiaka*

      My now husband and I were in a long distance relationship for years while I finished grad school. Another good friend was long distance for something like 3 years during college, and another set are right now indefinitely long distance. It can work. It’s also really hard. It’s definitely a stress on your relationship. And involves what I would describe as a lot more having to invest in your relationship (you need to give up lots of time and $$ to get to see each other generally).
      As for what helps. . . I don’t know. I found it was easy to put off “boring normal life things” for when partner wasn’t around. On the other hand, that did make the transition to living together a lot bigger. The only thing I can think of is-invest the time. Also, get over hating the phone. That tone of voice info is really important. And have the serious talks about where the relationship is going. Are you going to do this forever? Is it just for a couple years until person x graduates? I know people who use long distance as a way to not have to face the fact that their relationship actually won’t work. It’s not their fault they don’t see each other/want to do nice things day to day-they just can’t. That doesn’t work well long term.

    3. CAA*

      Yes, long distance relationships can work out, but distance certainly adds pressure to a relationship.

      DH and I met in college and were together for 3 years. Then we had a long distance relationship for 2 years before we got married. We celebrated our 30th anniversary last year, and it seems to be working out so far. :-) We definitely argued more when we were apart and the constant travel was exhausting. I used to joke that the best wedding present I got was having weekends again.

      We have friends who met online, dated and got engaged all while she lived in NY and he was in CA. She relocated and they’ve now been married for 10 years. I also live in a navy town, so I’ve seen many couples, married or not, repeatedly separated by long deployments. I’ve been surprised multiple times by couples that I thought were really solid breaking up, and I’ve learned that you just can’t see enough of a relationship from outside to predict which ones will last and which won’t.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        There are circumstances where regular long-distance is built in, like military and various extraction crews. I think it helps that those separations are predictable and you know when they end.

        One of my favorite bits of fictional insight from Cap. Jack Aubry was that your wife has been managing the household without you for the past 18 months, so you need to not wade in and start making decisions.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Someone I know just married the person who she was in a long-distance relationship with, and all indications are that they couldn’t be happier. Another friend of mine was in a LDR that ended in heartbreak after a few months. A woman I dated seriously when I was in my 20s moved halfway across the country to go to grad school, and after two great years together, our relationship failed within weeks. It all depends on the person, I think. Two people who are happy having a lot of space, I think, can really make it work. That definitely applied with the first friend, but not with the second, and definitely not with me (I wanted to be able to give and get hugs every day!)

        1. Anon for this*

          I’ve been married for 29 years, and at least 1/3 of it has been punctuated by long distance. Grad school, fieldwork, work assignments. Distance has ranged from a 2.5 hour drive each way to halfway round the world.

          As The Librarian says, a lot of it depends on what sorts of people you are and how those match up. I think that’s key. Both my husband and I are very comfortable being alone (require it, in fact), are workaholics, and have very high levels of trust in each other; and that includes low levels of sexual jealousy (there was never any drama about opposite sex friendships, e.g.) Those traits are evident when we are together and become even more significant apart. We’re also very adept at communicating in written form and are comfortable chatting on the phone. It’s funny, neither of us are very drawn to FaceTime/Skype, we get along fine without it.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I think the critical thing is having a plan to close the distance. I had friends who dated, lived together, did long distance for a year, got married, did long distance for another year (post doc options), then were together.

      Agree with matcha that a solid pre-separation basis is important.

      Aino is right about putting off boring life stuff on the rare days you get together, which makes the transition to being in the same place and having to accomplish Boring Life Stuff a shock to the system. (People who have affairs discover this too. People with whom you never have to discuss whether a plumber should look at the toilet or an expert at the taxes are so much sexier! But you can’t live with someone if you can never discuss those things with them.)

      1. hermit crab*

        I agree that having a plan is critical. My husband is an ex-academic and our story is very similar to your friends’
        – except we never officially lived together until about a year after we got married. We were long-distance for about four years, during which time he actually moved further away! But we always had a plan/timeframe in mind and that helped a lot. We’re both long-term planner types, and liked setting visit schedules fairly far in advance so that we always had something to look forward to.

        Of course, a lot depends on your personalities, your specific relationship dynamics, etc. In our case, now that we live together, we spend a lot of time happily doing our own things in separate rooms, which honestly isn’t that different from when we were long-distance. :)

        1. Triplestep*

          As I understand it, LDRs are pretty common between academics. Many of my academic friends have successful LDR stories to tell, even long distance after marriage. Their academic friends totally get it, while others tend to find it odd.

          1. Overeducated*

            Yes, it’s common but usually it’s very hard. All of my friends with academic LDRs do want to wind up in the same place long term somehow, and many put off kids or just decide not to have them if they wind up in tenure track jobs in different places. That can be a very worthwhile choice for some and unacceptable to others – avoiding a long term LDR is why I took another path.

          2. AcademiaNut*

            Very common, but the failure rate is still high.

            The worst is what I think of as the “promising relationship” – you’ve met someone, you really like each other, there’s great potential for a long term relationship, but three or six months into it, your postdoc ends and you move – and in my field, international moves are common. You haven’t been together long enough to have a really solid foundation, experience in daily life with each other, solving problems and working through conflicts, and it’s going to be years before you might, possibly end up in the same city. Those tend to limp on for six months or a year or two before ending, either drearily or messily.

            Another common problem is the relationship that goes long distance for years, then when they finally get together it crumbles. They’ve been long distance so long that being together, not just on romantic vacations but every day, is a big adjustment. Plus, if a relationship is rocky, long distance can be used to hide or deny the flaws for a really long time.

            A third pitfall is when someone is so invested in a long-distance relationship that they forget to build a life where they live. They don’t go out with friends, because they Skype with their partner every evening. They don’t take up hobbies or join groups, because their schedule of visits would interfere (and all the money goes to visits). They don’t make their apartment look nice, because it’s only temporary. Then, if the relationship fails, there’s nothing else going on in their daily life.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          When we first looked at apartments in grad school we mentioned not liking the totally open one, and someone thought that sounded so crushing. 24-7 togetherness with no walled options is exhausting, even if you love the person in a “let’s do our taxes together for the next 60 years” way.

      2. Triplestep*

        This is what I came here to say; I think success is really dependent on a plan to live in the same place at some point, even if that plan is not developed until after you are already long distance, and even if that plan is to ultimately live separately, but in the same area. I tend to think that “indefinite long distance” doesn’t really have a *reason* to work out.

      3. Parenthetically*

        “having a plan to close the distance.” Yeah I think this is so key. My husband and I started out long distance (met in person once and then started “dating” when we lived 10k miles away from each other) but we both knew going into it that one of us moving to a different continent was the outcome. And because we’d never spent any real time together face to face before we started dating, and our trips to see each other were filled with visiting family and stuff, once we lived in the same city, boring stuff was the MOST FUN EVER. Like grocery shopping together?! We’ve never done that before! Awesome! Snuggling on the couch and watching Netflix every weekend? Yesssssssss.

        It was HARD — especially conflict. But conviction that we were going to be together permanently at the end of it… well, it didn’t make working through that stuff easier, per se, but it made it so we felt like we HAD to do it.

        I wouldn’t recommend long-distance, but I think there are ways to make it work IF you have an end in mind.

      4. RJGM*

        Agree re: a plan to close the distance. My husband and I were long-distance for more than half of our relationship (pretty much the entire time we were dating and most of our engagement), but we knew we’d be together once I finished school. We also had most of our holidays together, which I think helped.

        One thing we learned after the first semester was that we did better by giving each other a little bit of freedom. When we Skyped every single day and texted almost constantly, it was hard for either of us to do anything fun in our respective locations. Since I was in a new city in a new state for school, I wasn’t making any friends. Once we cut down on that a little — weekly Skype dates, with texting periodically throughout the days in between, for example — we were able to cope a lot better. If your whole life revolves around waiting by the phone, things are Not Good.

      5. INTP*

        Agree about a plan. I think the hard-to-acknowledge (in the moment) truth is that if you’re not serious enough about this person to make plans for the future around them (the plan to close the distance), you probably aren’t sure or serious enough to make the sacrifices needed to make a long distance relationship with them work. After a certain point, scheduling your life around phone calls, going months without in-person physical or emotional intimacy, spending all your vacation time and travel budget on them, the emotional toll of being vulnerable to someone who you rarely actually see and having to trust that they’re being faithful, or some other factor will start to feel too difficult. It sucks because it absolutely could be someone that, given enough time, you would start to feel serious about, but you haven’t had enough time together to know before the distance comes in. I’ve tried to start LDRs in this situation in the past but based on my experiences, I now have a policy that if it’s not serious enough yet to make a plan to close the distance, it’s not serious enough to deal with a LDR.

      6. KR*

        So agree with having a solid plan for when the relationship won’t be long distance. I was long distance with my husband for a few years while he was in the military, before we were married. The relationship almost didn’t work out because I felt like it was going nowhere and my husband would never be willing to get his finances together to live with me and not in the barracks, and he didn’t communicate the fact that he was getting ready to propose and getting serious about marriage. We almost broke up, and it was purely because i wanted to get married and move in with him and was tired of putting my life on hold. I couldn’t save properly because I was paying for plane tickets out to see him and I could never see him fully when he was home because his family had a lot of expectations about him staying at their house when he was there. Now I’m married to him and I couldn’t be happier. We have transitioned to living together very well and rarely fight anymore.

    6. D.W.*

      If you define “work out” as, the couple ultimately stays together (i.e. marriage, or move in/to the same area), I’d say yes. Because I’ve done it and so have a lot of my friends.

      We all broke up with our SO’s at some point in time because the distance is draining. In my case, it was 9yrs of long-distance. We split, I left the country, I came back to the States, and we got back together a year later (still long distance), and we remained long-distance until we got married last September.

      What helped, as unsexy as it is, was establishing a schedule for communication. I lived on the east coast and he was three hours behind me, on the west coast. What also helped was coming up with things we could experience together while we were separated. I think the thing that ultimately breaks couples apart is the fact that they are experiencing life apart and they are changing. When that happens over a long period of time it’s easy to “grow apart”. So we made sure to stay connected through mutual interests, and of course visiting as often as we could. Emotional connection is very strong, and if you can maintain that, you can withstand temporary physical distance.

      1. Libervermis*

        I echo that “experiencing life apart” problem – and distance can allow someone to hide the signs of something being wrong, and/or allow someone to blame a problem on distance when it’s really more fundamental. Communication and a mutual desire to actually prioritize the relationship are key. If only one side is demonstrating any interest/effort in moving from long-distance to in-person, bad sign.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        They are experiencing life apart and they are changing.

        Yes! People change. People in their 50s change. There is no age at which your permanent, unalterable adult psyche granitizes itself to an unbudgable form. And if there were, it would be weird to say “Okay, NOW I can join my life to someone else’s, and start making all major decisions with their needs and desires in mind, sometimes even trumping my own, because that won’t affect me. And add a few small irrational people who don’t sleep–having kids never changes a person.”

      3. Parenthetically*

        Schedule for communication — yes. Every Friday night (his Saturday morning) was our standing date. We dressed up, I fixed my hair and put makeup on, he got me flowers, and we skyped. Once we got engaged, we also had a standing phone call every day, just a half hour or so.

    7. misspiggy*

      In my experience, what makes the difference is how clear each person is on what they are willing to give up to be together in the end. I know two wonderful couples who spent years apart, maybe seeing each other once a year if that. They have lasting marriages. But in those cases, they were both clear that they were ultimately working towards being together. And one of each couple didn’t have a strong interest in what they did to earn money, so was able to adapt to the other’s career trajectory.

    8. Sesame Plexer*

      My fiancé and I were long distance and he moved so we could live together. It was hard and stressful to be apart all the time but we had regular Skype dates and saw each other once a month (Hello Delta status).

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Errgghh. My most major relationship started out long-distance, sorta; we lived an hour’s drive from each other. I moved in close to a year on. The other one lasted two years — about a year longer than it should have, and the last six months were rough (mostly because we shouldn’t have been a couple in the first place).

      In my opinion, yes it can work, but you really have to be in agreement on how often to communicate and whether you’re going to be exclusive while separated (some couples aren’t). At some point, one person will have to relocate if you want to take it to the next level.

      There does need to be periodic facetime. If you can’t work it into your schedule or afford the travel, or if you don’t agree on how often it needs to happen, that can become a major problem.

      I don’t know if there is anything you can do other than listen if she needs to vent. But if they’re engaged, it sounds like the time has come where somebody needs to suck it up and move.

    10. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I don’t think you can really help another couple work it out– that kind of has to be on them. But I totally think it can work. I think you just have to be really honest with yourselves and each other about what you are and aren’t okay with. So maybe you can just try to support your friend in being honest with herself and her SO about how she’s feeling. If they’re fighting all the time, then something might need to change.

    11. Betsy*

      I think in some ways they’re easier than they’re made out to be. My ex and I were together for six months, and then did one year apart- half of that year was in different countries, and the second half was in the same country but different cities.

      The same country but different cities wasn’t too bad, because you can fly to see each other every month or two.

      I really didn’t want to do much longer than a year and I strongly pushed for a move to the same city after that.

      We were together for six years all up, and the early long-distance part made our relationship stronger, if anything. The reason we eventually broke up was in no way related to starting out long-distance.

    12. Star Nursery*

      They can. It’s not something everyone can handle or wants to do. My spouse and I met while living in different states. I had moved away and went back to visit friends at times and then met through mutual friends. We were in a long distance relationship for about 10 months. Once we decided we wanted to be exclusive, we were committed to making it work for us and that it wasn’t going to be indefinite. We discussed how to make it work (how often we would talk on the phone, Skype, how often we would travel to see each other, that we both were looking for marriage someday rather than something casual, etc.) When we decided to be a couple, I didn’t know how often we would see each other but he decided to drive 9 hours (each way) to see me every-other-weekend. That was more often then I ever expected (but pretty great of him). I agree with others that long distance can be really good for getting to talk about a lot of things (it’s great to build friendship and can talk more than just getting distracted by the fun physical affection etc.) Bonus: I like looking back at what we wrote to each other.

      I had three other people that didn’t last long with a long distance relationship. One I moved and it fizzled, second one he moved just as were starting to date (probably around three or four dates-ish) and he had a rule against LDR’s so unless I wanted to move there too, then it was a no-go, third one I met when I was home over winter break from college so we started dating but it didn’t last more than a few months (but I don’t think it was necessarily the LDR itself).

      People in relationships are going to have fights and that’s the nature of trying to live with a another person who has their own opinions and viewpoints. It’s true whether they were in a long distance relationship or not.

  8. Ann*

    Does anybody have suggestions for a birthday present for my dad? He’s a neuroscience professor in his 50s and his hobbies are…basically going into work early and writing grants, reading Flyertalk, and telling me how awesome his Prius is, from what I can tell (he really likes hiking and skiing too, but doesn’t get much chance to do that because of where they live). He also really likes coffee – he has a AeroPress and a few years ago we got him a burr grinder, at his request. I know he’d talked about being interested in a burr grinder that weighed out your beans for you, but I’m not sure how much of an upgrade that is? (I’m a tea person).

    Some other things that we’ve gotten him in the past that he’s liked a lot were a Fitbit (he’s one of those people who will go out and walk in the dark/rain to get his steps in for the day) and Bose noise cancelling headphones (for planes). My budget is around $250, but flexible.

      1. Ann*

        He doesn’t – I was actually thinking about getting him a kindle before, because he does like to read (and I love mine for reading on the plane), but I think he might like an iPad or something, because he uses his iPhone a lot and the iPad is probably easier for him to use.

      1. Ann*

        That’s a good idea! He has one, but it’s pretty old and doesn’t display pictures very well anymore (they’re all weird and glitched). He really likes taking photos when he travels, so I think it’s something he’d get a lot of use out of

        1. The future will be better*

          There are pretty good ones for cheaper than they used to be (and probably nicer). I’ve bought a few Nix brand off Amazon and have no complaints. You could either get a bigger one for home, or maybe a smaller one for his desk? In my experience, people love them! We take so many pictures now, but never print them out… solution: digital picture frame.

    3. Isobel*

      Maybe one of the coffee subscription services where you get sent different beans every month?

      1. Bluebell*

        I was going to suggest this! My sister travels a lot for business and likes to send us coffees.

      2. Ann*

        Do you know of any that are good? (or webpages that review them?) My mom was thinking about getting him a subscription service like this, but we don’t know where to start looking

        1. Bluebell*

          The Eater website had a review, and Stumptown offers a roasters choice, but it’s only their brand. Good luck!

        2. Sled dog mama*

          I got my husband a subscription to misto box a few years ago, it was nice because you can pick your shipping interval and as you rate what they sent they are supposed to adjust what they send based on the new info.

    4. Patsy Stone*

      I found that as my parents and sister got older, I started getting them “experiences” rather than things. I sent my sister on an afternoon make-your-own-chocolates/truffles class, which she loved. Took my mom to a special museum exhibit that she wanted to see, and then treated her to lunch at a posh hotel on their rooftop patio… something she loves but would never spend the money on herself. Is there anything similar you can think of that your Dad might enjoy?

      1. Triplestep*

        I like this idea. I am in my fifties and I really don’t want my kids getting me *stuff*. I actually don’t care if they get me anything, but I would prefer something depletable (like an experience, or the coffee suggestions others have made).

      2. Chaordic One*

        To elaborate on the “experiences” thing, maybe tickets to a movie or to a concert that your dad is interested in.

    5. Elkay*

      Get him a coffee subscription, as a coffee drinker I really liked it because it helped me identify which notes/flavours I enjoy in coffees.

    6. Reba*

      New floor mats for the Prius for his wet hiking days. :)

      Fancy coffee subscription service?

      1. Chaordic One*

        “WeatherTech” floor mats made to precisely and specifically fit his car. They’re kind of pricey, but worth it.

    8. ContentWrangler*

      My dad is also difficult to shop for, but there is a lot of really neat ski gear especially if you have a budget around $250. My dad has a ski helmet with Bluetooth headphones built in so he can listen to music while on the mountain – he loves it.

    9. Mephyle*

      Does he like earbud headphones? Wireless ones are great. There are the kind that are connected to each other with a wire that you wear behind your head, and the kind that are totally wireless, just two separate pieces, one in each ear. No more accidentally ripping the buds out of my ear when the wire joining it to the device gets caught on something, since there is no such wire!

    10. fellow academic*

      Greg Dunn makes some amazing neuroscience artwork – some of the prints would be within your budget, and might be lovely for decorating his office or the like. Academics tend to be pretty obsessed with our work.

      In terms of coffee, upgraded grinders are totally helpful. One that weighs out beans essentially reduces the steps. I don’t have any good model recommendations, but I would advise asking him if you decide to go down that route. I’m not a huge fan of the coffee bean subscription services, just because I have really picky taste in beans.

      Maybe experiences? For your price range, you could get him an intro flight lesson, bnb room out in the country for an overnight hiking or skiing trip?

    11. Marillenbaum*

      A couple of really nice pairs of hiking socks, plus a guide to hiking spots where they live? Good hiking socks make SUCH a difference to the quality of the hike, but they can be pricey and I for one feel kind of dumb spending that much money on socks, so I love someone forever if they buy them for me.

    12. Sled dog mama*

      You said he reads Flyertalk? Does he frequent a specific airline forum? (Asking because some of the forums have inside jokes that you could get him something for)

    13. Elizabeth H.*

      Does he like reading/learning stuff? Like general science? You could do Great Courses gift certificate or Audible subscription.

    14. School Psych*

      A coffee roaster? My husband has pretty much the same hobbies as your dad and really enjoys his.

  9. Lady Jay*

    One of my New Years’ Resolutions was to read more books by minority authors. Any recommendations?

    So far I’ve read and enjoyed Malla Nunn (a mystery novelist from Swaziland), and I already have Ta-Nehisi Coates, Colson Whitehead, and Trevor Noah on my list. I tend to prefer nonfiction or genre fiction (mystery, sci-fi) to artsy fiction.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Ooo, yes – I forgot, she’s on my list. I purchased her book (Lilith’s Brood) and it’s waiting for me. :)

    3. fposte*

      Nnedi Okorafor, Justina Ireland; doesn’t Edwidge Danticat have a mystery in there?

      I would also recommend the delightful Americanized: Rebel without a Green Card by Sara Saedi. Released as YA but definitely crossover, a memoir of her experience as an undocumented teenaged Iranian American navigating between sleepovers and missing Social Security numbers.

    4. hermit crab*

      Glad to see Colson Whitehead on your list! He’s so talented and so incredibly, amazingly versatile. If you don’t like whatever book of his you start with, definitely try another. My favorite is actually his zombie novel.

      Do you like memoirs? I got really into chef memoirs for a while and my favorite was Yes, Chef by Marcus Samuelsson. He actually self-narrates the audiobook version and it’s fabulous.

    5. Maryn*

      I was recently introduced to the scifi of N.K. Jemison. I find myself slowing down near the end of each book to make it last longer. She’s that good. Start with “The Fifth Season.”

    6. Nashira*

      In addition to the aforementioned Octavia E. Butler: Samuel R Delany, Alyssa Wong, NK Jemisin, Nnedi Okorafor, Nalo Hopkinson…

      If you want short fiction, look up Lightspeed Magazine. They publish spec fic work from authors with diverse backgrounds. Their horror branch, Nightmare, is also quite good.

    7. only acting normal*

      I can recommend Tananarive Due’s “Ghost Summer” short story collection. I haven’t read any more of her’s yet, but on the strength of this I probably will.

    9. Dinosaur*

      I highly recommend “Everfair” by Nisi Shawl! It’s a steampunk/Afrofuturism novel that that offers an alternate timeline where the Congo wasn’t successfully colonized. It’s a really fantastic read.

    10. Triplestep*

      I haven’t read this, but I heard José Older interviewed in NPR a while back and I bought his book _Shadowshaper_ for my daughter. It is considered “Urban Fantasy”, and even though it is YA, it is apparently popular with adults who like SciFi/Fantasy.

      I also bought her Trevor Noah’s book at her request, and I’m now trying to get it back so I can read it!

      1. Nashira*

        CW that Who Fears Death has graphic sexual violence. It’s an immensely good book but I’m not able to read it again because it’s so gut punchy.

    12. Reba*

      NK Jemisin, Ken Liu, Ted Chiang!

      You might also poke around on Tor.com — they often blog roundups of authors for example under the tag “World SF” or the series “100 African Writers of SFF”

    13. HannahS*

      Silent Hall, by N.S. Dolkart. It’s fantasy, with kind of a blend of mythologies from the Mediterranean and Middle East. Someone recommended it to me as being based on Jewish stuff, which–some aspects are, but that part is really subtle. It’s great, though.

      Brown Girl and the Ring is voodoo-involved urban fantasy set in Toronto. Sabaa Tahir has also written some awesome YA fantasy, set in a pseudo-Roman occupied Middle-Eastern place.

      1. RJGM*

        Ooh, seconding Attica Locke. And I haven’t read him yet, but I have two of Deji Bryce Olukotun’s books (Nigerians in Space and its sequel, After the Flare) on my on my shelves — he’s super interesting on Twitter.

        Same for Tochi Onyebuchi: I haven’t read Beasts Made of Night yet, but I’ve heard excellent things about it, and I met him and he’s super sweet.

    15. Marillenbaum*

      NK Jemison’s Broken Earth trilogy. Also, Nnedi Okorafor has an excellent collection of short stories (I’m less familiar with her novels). Oh, and Leslie Nneka Arimah’s What It Means When a Man Falls From the Sky is incredible; the title story was featured on an episode of Levar Burton Reads and is so, so good.

      1. Jen RO*

        The short story collection sounds interesting, I’ve only read novels by Okorafor. Do you happen to remember the name of the collection?

    16. Cheshire Cat*

      NK Jemisin, Karen Lord, Cixin Liu (think that’s spelled right). They are all wonderful.

    17. CanadianUniversityReader*

      The Absolute True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
      It’s really good!

      1. DrWombat*

        Personally I can’t read Alexie’s book anymore because his history of sexually harrassing women has soured his work for me and it’s too irrevocably linked with him for me to enjoy http://oedb.org/ilibrarian/20-native-american-authors-you-need-to-read/ Maybe instead of Sherman Alexie, these all look good?

        Also reccing Aliette de Bodard, whose Xuya series is amazing. “Immersion” is a great take on colonialism and cultural hegemony and assimilation, and “On A Red Station, Drifting” always makes me cry in the best way. She’s written a lot of amazing stuff in general!

        Cassandra Khaw is also brilliant – “Bearly a Lady” is current favorite, as it’s a hilarious urban fantasy novel about a werebear. But her short stories in the horror vein are also wonderful, and she’s very versatile.

        Sarah Kuhn is great, she writes SF about Asian-American superheroines and has a great sense of humor. Zen Cho has also written some beautiful short stories, and the anthology “The Future is Japanese” was a great read IMO as well. Hao Jingfang’s “Folding Beijing” was lovely, and Alyssa Wong writes great SF and horror.

          2. Tea, please*

            Yeah, this one hurt a lot. Diary of a Part Time Indian was my fool proof way to get reluctant readers to get excited about reading. Guess I need to find a new book.

            Since hindsight is 20/20–There is a short story in The Toughest Indian in the World that is I immediately thought of when I read about his serial harassment of women as a warning flag.

            Other authors–Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Mat Johnson, Heidi W. Durrow, Viet Thanh Nguyen

            Also, these are some international authors I love–Kiran Desai, Thrity Umrigar, Arundhati Roy, Aravind Adiga, Haruki Murakami

    18. Betsy*

      My brain glitched and I read this as ‘books by minor authorities’. I don’t know if that would be like parking inspectors, or maybe dictators from lesser-known countries.

    19. Elf*

      If you’re willing to go YA (which I highly recommend) I highly recommend The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm by Nancy Farmer.

        1. Book Person*

          !!! I loved The Ear, The Eye, and the Arm as a kid, but somehow never read anything else by the author. So excited to hear of this!

      2. Emily*

        Nancy Farmer’s books (especially The Ear, The Eye, and The Arm – I love how delightfully strange it is) are wonderful, but I’m pretty sure that she’s actually a white American who has lived in Zimbabwe and Mozambique in the past. Worth reading for sure, but the author herself is not part of a minority group!

    21. oranges & lemons*

      Junot Diaz–kind of on the borderline between genre and lit fic, but The Brief, Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao is one of the most amazing books I’ve ever read. (And I mean amazing in the literal sense–awe-inspiring.)

      Seconding all of the Octavia Butler recommendations–Parable of the Sower and Wild Seed are my favourites.

      Madeleine Thien–this is a bit more on the literary side, but Do Not Say We Have Nothing is one of the best books I’ve read in a long time. It’s a history of an artistic family during the Cultural Revolution.

    22. Pathfinder Ryder*

      The book Hidden Figures is based on is great.

      I liked Anita Anand’s Sophia: Princess, Suffragette, Revolutionary, with the caveat that it often digresses from the biography to give a lot of historical context.

      The Stars Change by Mary Anne Mohanraj is scifi but with erotica as a strong secondary theme.

      If you like comics/graphic novels, Marjorie Liu’s Monstress has some trades out.

    23. Book Person*

      Most of the people I had in mind to recommend I see already listed (but a HARD AGREE ESPECIALLY to NK Jemisin, whose Broken Earth trilogy I read in three days last week. Still reeling from it, and I went out and bought her other five novels immediately).

      If you like Colson Whitehead’s prose and the way race is talked about/treated in his novels (along the lines of Zone One or Apex Hides the Hurt more than The Underground Railroad), I would HIGHLY recommend Percival Everett. Some of his works (Glyph, Reference as a Function of Gesture) are a bit arty, but Wounded, or A History of the African American People [Proposed] by Storm Thurmond are great and my go-to recommendations. Wounded is pretty straight-forward fiction, and is just stunning/devastating; A History of… is comedic and epistolary, told in a series of emails and memos and notes as a couple of professors try to ghostwrite a book that’s pretty inappropriate, given the proposer. (Erasure is also a favourite, but definitely more artsy).

    24. Lurker*

      ‘The Sellout’ by Paul Beatty, the one that won the Man Booker prize. Very good (and often very funny) but not for the faint of heart. It reminded me a lot of Catch 22.

      Because it’s an observational satire on contemporary American society, you should be prepared to suppress the urge to laugh at wildly inappropriate moments for a while afterward.

  10. anonymous for this*

    Has anyone dealt with a family member in an abusive relationship successfully? A close relative’s boyfriend is not currently harming here, just emotionally abusive and breaking things. She won’t leave him (and he’s done so much terrible stuff), and I’m worried she’ll end up pregnant or if they progress the relationship he’ll really hurt her. I’ve told her how I feel and sent resources, I tell her she’s great (itsself esteem issues in part, not to blame her but I’d there)… I don’t know what else to do.

    2. ainomiaka*

      If she won’t leave him, the main thing you can do is keep connection to her so you are a resource whenever she does want to. That frequently means toeing lines that will feel like letting him win, but the important thing is not to let her get isolated. If she isn’t ready to hear criticism then don’t criticize him. If staying in touch with her means following rules that he set and she agrees to. . . it’s worth it to do that to keep that connection.

      1. Thlayli*

        This. Isolating the victim from friends/family is often the first step. Make sure she knows that she can always call on you to help her escape if needs be, and then stop putting pressure on her and just give her some normality. If she brings up something abuscive he said or did then definitely don’t condone it but also don’t use it as a reason to start a long criticism of him every time or it will just drive a wedge between you.

        1. Libervermis*

          Make sure to take care of your own mental and emotional health too. Being the “safe person” and keeping those communication channels open can be exhausting. It will require some compromises that feel like letting the abusive boyfriend win (as ainomiaka said), and it will take far longer than you want. Be good to yourself and be compassionate with yourself if/when you don’t handle something quite right,

          1. anonymous for this*

            Regrettably (and luckily) I know she talks to other people more than me, because it’s been very hard on them! I wish she talked to me more, the rest of her family/friends don’t want to call it abuse, and I think they allow her to normalize the behavior. I realize I couldn’t argue with her because that doesn’t help, but having at least one person say “Whoa, it’s really screwed up that he destroys your stuff when he’s angry!” to her more often would probably be good…

      2. Junior Dev*

        If you’re wondering how to square this with the advice to not normalize the situation:

        * That really sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
        * You deserve better than that.
        * I’m really sorry that happened.
        * What do you think about that?

        As someone who’s been on both sides of this: it’s a hard balance to walk, but I try to keep ny comments on the side of reminding my friend they’re a good person and deserve to be treated well, and also that they deserve to be listened to and have their agency respected. It’s so easy to want to swoop in and fix everything, but when you do that in a way that disregards their ability to make their own choices it actually reinforces the abuser’s message, that they’re not competent to handle their own life.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I remember this coming up here re coworkers and Alison posting links to past comments from Marie, which were really insightful. The part that is sticking out to me is not normalizing it–don’t fall into acting like the yelling and breaking is normal, typical, all couples do this. What didn’t work was “Don’t do what he says, do what I say.” The best people seem to have found (and it’s frustrating) is door open, communication open, and don’t go along with the “of course all couples go through this stuff” narrative.

    4. Rookie Manager*

      My sister was in an (emotionally/financially) abuse relationship and I did it all wrong*. My advice is to do the opposite of what I did, stay in touch, keep talking, let them know you love them unconditionally. I got angry at the way he treated her and that was flipped around as evidence I didn’t love her. Be a place of trust and sanctuary. Don’t criticise the partner, critisise the behaviour (Don’t normalise it). Don’t push them to leave but help if asked, however be aware most abused women don’t leave the first time they try AND it is at this time they are most in danger. In the UK most female homicides are women killed by their partners or ex partners because they left or are trying to leave. If possible offer a safe space to keep key documents (passport etc) and emergency clothes, meds, money. Let them know they are loved, brave, clever, funny, respected and they have value. Many abusers grind down their partners till they feel worthless. You can help build them up instead. (Sorry this is so long)

      * I’ve since done some work in the field and studied abusive relationships – I wish I had the knowledge I do now when they first started dating, or got engaged, or got married…

    5. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Yeah. My sis. But I had to stay with them when I left my abusive husband and now I can’t really say anything because I’ll have that thrown back in my face. But staying there cemented my suspicions.

      Keep the lines of communication open. Respect her autonomy. Don’t tell her she has to leave. Just… make it seem possible.

      Apparently one of my friends now thinks of me as a superhero as leaving never seemed possible before I did it. Now she thinks it might be. One day.

      Hope my sister comes to think that one day.

      1. Junior Dev*

        The thing that finally allowed me to leave an abusive relationship was friends asking us to house-sit while they were on vacation. The “make it seem possible” part is so key.

    6. Managing to get by*

      I was in an abusive relationship many years ago, and one thing that bothered me when I finally left was all of the people coming out of the woodwork to tell me they had been worried about me, but not a single one of them had said anything when I was still with the guy. I felt alone and as if I had no support or resources. So make sure she knows that you are there to help her if needed, that you recognize what is going on and that it is not normal. You can’t live her life for her to direct her on what to do, but you can keep yourself available as a resource when she needs you.

      One of the reasons that I don’t talk to my mother much anymore is that our neighbors (who knew her through her work) outright told her they could hear us fighting and they were worried for my safety and she did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except to let me know that she had known I was being hit, after I moved out.

      1. anonymous for this*

        Would reaching out more have helped? I sent her info about abusive relationships, hotline numbers, and wrote a note… but she’s so hard to talk to, she gets very very defensive and starts tearing down everyone’s (perhaps not perfect, but not abusive) relationships. She hasn’t acknowledged it, so I don’t know how she feels, but she is still talking to me so at least there’s that. We aren’t that close anyway, but I just try to say hello ocassionally more so she feels like she’s not alone.

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          I don’t think anyone saw what was happening with me. But if they had, resources would have just made me stop listening. What would have helped?

          “I don’t like the way he treats you”
          “I don’t like it when he makes jokes at your expense in front of me. Does it bother you?”
          “It seems like he puts you down a lot, does it feel like that to you?”
          “You haven’t made it to any {family celebrations} for a few years/X never comes with you. What’s that about?” (Trying to discover whether that’s a true choice or whether it’s because Spouse makes it Too Damned Hard)

          If someone I knew had left an abusive relationship and talked to me about power and control and boundaries that might have helped.

          For me, the key moments that led me to realise how bad things were was reading captain Awkward and this site and hearing people talk about boundaries. I read “why does he do that” (Lundy Bancroft) because I was worried about other people’s relationships, rightly, but it opened the door just a tiny bit, so over time I was able to think the unthinkable. Believe that my husband being consistently mean to me, and gaslighting me, and blaming me for everything, was actually unacceptable.

          I wish I’d realised so much earlier. But at least I’ve realised now and not in 20 years time.

          1. The future will be better*

            Ugh, it must be a case by case basis then, because she HATES when I say those things. That was actually my initial way of dealing with it. :( Even when I’m calm about it she flips out.

            >“I don’t like it when he makes jokes at your expense in front of me. Does it bother you?”
            “It seems like he puts you down a lot, does it feel like that to you?”

            ARGHHH THIS IS WHAT HE DOES AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE! It honestly makes me cry to see someone so mean to her, and then she gets mad at me if I say things like the above. :(

            Once you made the realization, how long did it take to actually leave? I imagine it still took a while?

            1. Anonymous Ampersand*

              Should have added YMMV then!! Hey ho. I’m sorry that wasn’t helpful.

              I’m sorry your relative is going through this. I just reread your post. Emotional abuse is hard: of someone punches you in the face there’s no ambiguity about that, but because we don’t educate people about emotional abuse and because abusive behaviours are celebrated as romantic in popular culture it’s hard to accept that that’s what’s happening to you. It took me 20 years to notice. It wasn’t bad right from the beginning but when I look back there were sooooooo many red flags.

              Have you read why does he do that? It was eye opening. There are abuser profiles that may help. Or there’s a programme by a UK probation officer for women that may help. I’ll post the link in a reply. Oh and also there’s a book on Kindle for emotional abuse scripts, I’ll look up the name and author if you like.

              I’m sorry. It’s horrible to see someone going through this and be unable to help. I think both my siblings are in abusive relationships and about half my friends. It’s awful.

              Please look after yourself too <3

              2. Anonymous for this*

                Oh, it’s totally fine that it wasn’t helpful! I think more than anything it’s nice to talk about it, I know that no one can give me a magic solution.

                But I would love that Kindle book! If you could look it up I’d really appreciate it :)

            2. Anonymous Ampersand*

              I just reread. Tbh if she flips out at that stuff? She’s aware. She just doesn’t want to admit it to herself/you. If someone had said that stuff to me I would have been bemused but it would have planted a seed.

              I was talking from the perspective of someone who was “blissfully” unaware. She’ll need a different tack. A lot of talking up her own agency.

              I also fear that if she’s reacting like this he may have gone past the “breaking things and emotional abuse” stage to actually hurting her.

              And also, be aware he’ll be telling her all manner of sh*t about you. Even if you think he doesn’t know you know. Even if he doesn’t know you know! Abusers isolate and criticise family members. It’s what they do.

              Anyway, I came back to answer your question. I posted here at the end of May last year saying I might be done with the low level emotional abuse, back before I even realised quite how bad it was. I realised from that comment thread that I had to leave. I actually left at the end of October. It took a while to get my ducks in a row. But I did it.

              Good luck. I reiterate what I said about taking care of yourself <3

              1. Anonymous for this*

                Yeah, supposedly they got into a fight and she “fell” last year, but I didn’t hear this first hand… as said, I’m not the one she talks to, probably because she knows it’s all terrible and doesn’t want family to know. The friend said she believed she hadn’t hit him because she was just so upset about the falling, but I was like…. Kinda sounds like he hurt her, and I mean, even if she actually just fell, that shows you were having an unhealthy fight. I think it doesn’t happen regularly, and he isn’t hitting her, but who knows. I imagine she has the “well he can do all this other stuff as long as he doesn’t hit me” line which allows people to stay in relationships that are super messed up. I think he toes the line of physical abuse so she doesn’t realize what’s happening.

                I’ll take a look at some of that stuff, I don’t feel like there’s much else I can do… except hope!

                And oh yeah, I know he talks mad sh*t about me and the rest of the family. She tends to parrot the stuff back at me when I tell her he’s not good for her.

                I’m hoping that all the stuff I sent planted a seed – at the least, the idea that breaking stuff IS physical abuse, and will lead to physical abuse… Why does no one in my life know this?! When I suggest abuse they’re all “Oh you think?” and it’s like, YES it’s definitely abuse! Argh. Our society is terrible at this. Like you, I know so many people in unhealthy relationships.

                1. Anonymous Ampersand*

                  I’m so sorry to hear all that. It sounds bad :( I’m glad you’re in her corner even if it feels like she’s pushing you out of it.

                  The book is “emotional abuse breakthrough scripts” by Barrie Davenport but it may not be be useful if he’s violent :-| have a look anyway.

    7. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      That must be so painful. I think your instincts are right– affirm that she has agency and is a complete person, make sure she knows that you’re a safe place to land, but also that you won’t judge her for staying. Scheduling one-on-one time with her, and making sure you also talk about things not related to evil boyfriend so your relationship is not all about helping her get out of a bad situation. Captain Awkward also has some great advice on being in this position, and I would really recommend checking out her archives.

    8. Kuododi*

      DS (dear sister) ex husband was emotionally and financially abusive. I just kept in contact….kept reminding her how much I love her and how much I always want good things for her. Ex husband was a higher level creep and they finally split when he admitted he had misplaced his d*** in another woman’s skirt…..(multiple times!!!). She’s now remarried to a wonderful guy (I officiated the service) and has had two magnificent children. Life is beautiful!!!!

    9. Star Nursery*

      I’m sorry. That situation is hard. You cannot get someone to end an abusive relationship when they aren’t making the decision to leave it. It’s really tough to watch someone you care about stay in that situation. They do deserve better treatment and they are worth a better partner who is kind, patient, allows them to be themselves, doesn’t hurt or control or make them feel less than. Until someone is ready to end things though there isn’t any magic button to get them to get out. Just keep an open line of communication, and be a supportive ally.

    10. Catherine from Canada*

      My daughter was in an abusive relationship for seven years. She lived in another city, our only contact was phone and e-mail. It was terrifying to watch the progression long-distance (eventually, you flinch when the phone rings…). The enforced isolation got so bad that she cut contact with us; knowing that she wouldn’t/couldn’t READ an email from me, I wrote subject lines that told her we were still there for her, like “thinking of you,” “I’m sorry you’re angry with us,” “hope you are well,” things like that. I knew I needed to keep the door open, the bridge unburnt so that when she was ready, she’d have a place to go.
      She did eventually get away from him, is now married with a baby, and has told me that those non-content emails were a big help, that they helped her not-entirely-believe his “I’m the only one that really cares about you” BS.

    11. June*

      Everyone has already given you some great advice but I have one more – Start a side hustle with her. So many women can’t leave their abusive partners because of finances. If she sees that she could be gainfully employed, maybe that will help open the door to leaving him?

  11. Lady Jay*

    Also, recommendations for a good tote? I was at a conference this Friday and wishing for a nice leather bag that would easily fit a water bottle, my laptop, and the contents of my purse (wallet, hand cream, lip balm, etc). I’m looking for something that
    * is one large open pocket within
    * has straps long enough to hang on my shoulder and hold over my arm
    * does not have an extra across-the-body strap or any bling (I do not like the look of metal/straps everywhere)
    * preferably leather or faux leather

    1. Lillian Gilbreth*

      Not leather, but have you investigated Dagne Dover at all? I have a midi tote from them and I am OBSESSED. Super professional looking, well made, lots of little pockets to augment the big on.

      1. Cristina in England*

        I just checked them out, they have two leather totes (Charlie and Allyn) which are gorgeous and the Allyn opens really wide so you can easily see what’s in it. Both fit a laptop.

        1. Lillian Gilbreth*

          Oh I just saw this! Hope you see my response – a laptop won’t fit in the padded sleeve (it’s made for tablets) but a small one will fit in the body of the bag.

    2. The future will be better*

      I’ve recently converted to Pendleton purses.. I know they aren’t leather like you asked, but I LOVE how much lighter they are than leather. Saves my shoulders!

    3. the gold digger*

      Libby Lane’s bags are great. I use mine for work – it fits my lunchbag, my computer, a jar of peanut butter to replenish my Peanut Butter Drawer, any chocolate to replenish The Chocolate Drawer, and my gym clothes with space left over. It’s gorgeous and sturdy. It’s pricey, but I look at it as The Only Bag I Will Ever Have To Buy Again.

      Plus I love her story – she started making bags with the leather from the cattle on her grandfather’s ranch in west Texas.

      Libbylane dot com. I have the Sophie tote, I think, and I got the zipper.

    5. Fiennes*

      Everlane has a great simple tote, leather, no frills, several colors. It’s been spotted on the shoulders of both Meghan Markle and Angelina Jolie, so you can have all the “it bag” cache while paying a fairly normal tote price.

    7. Clever Name*

      I have nice leather tote from madewell, and I use it to carry my laptop and my lunch to work

    8. Candy*

      I don’t have one, but Everlane’s totes look really nice. They’re very simple, leather, and look like they hold a lot of things without being too large and bulky

    9. MMM*

      I have one from Target that I love, and people often think it’s much fancier than Target brand haha

    10. Dead Quote Olympics*

      I like my Knomo leather work bags, although I prefer (demand) some interior pockets and a slip pocket. But depending on the model, they are pretty roomy inside with one big pocket. The handle drop is good -not too long but long enough for me to get into the bag without sliding it down my arm.

      If you want to try some minimalist well made faux leather, take a look at Matt and Nat. I have a bag from them that I often use for conferences. It looks professional and it’s lighter than leather.

    11. LemonLyman*

      I have a beautiful leather tote bought on Etsy that I always get compliments about. It looks like the popular Madewell one but without the price tag. There are different style options and colors and their stuff is all hand made. Check out Portland Leather on Etsy. (I’m not affiliated with them. Just love their stuff!)

  12. KatieKate*

    Am I late to the party of Queer Eye? I’m watching it now and love it! Except episode 3 with the cop. That was a little…..yikes.

    1. DoctorateStrange*

      I love that show! I gave up on ep3 halfway, but otherwise I liked it. I cried over a bit over the episode with the dad with 6 kids because I’m a bisexual Catholic and, well, those stories always resonate with me. I have to say, I would love to see more makeover shows that focus on men or deal with both men and women.

      1. DoctorateStrange*

        When I mean, I otherwise liked it, I mean the show, not the episode. I realized my phrasing made it sound weird.

      2. Chaordic One*

        When “What Not to Wear” first came on it featured both men and women, but after the first season or so it only featured women. Supposedly because the “before” and “after” transformations were more dramatic for women than they were for men. Yeah, I’d like to see more makeover shows featuring men, too.

        1. DoctorateStrange*

          Yeah, I’m enjoying Stacy London’s recent makeover show, “Love, Lust, or Run.” The transformations are more satisfying for me because Stacy is more creative there. She likes to mix her finesse with the people’s aesthetics and most times it looks great to me. I would love to see what she’d do with men.

    2. Melody Pond*

      I love the new Queer Eye!

      I watched the old one when I was in high school, and I like this one a little better. It feels less like the fab five are just caricatures of people for straight people to be entertained by, and more like these guys expect to be treated like real humans. I liked how they handled it in the first episode when the guy they were making over asked kind of an offensive question about one of their relationships. I think he asked which one of them was the girl and which one of them was the guy, and the fab five (the one in this scene, anyway), were like “Wow, okay! So, let’s break that down a little bit…”

      Also, the one where they made over the guy who hadn’t come out about being gay to his stepmom – ahhhh, I cried super hard at that one. (Also, that guy and his boyfriend were kind of insanely hot.)

      I haven’t finished it yet, the last one I watched was episode 5. But yeah, I’m really enjoying it. :)

    3. Tris Prior*

      The opening scene of the cop episode (involving the friend who nominated the makeover recipient – that’s all I’ll say due to spoilers) bothered me A LOT. Otherwise…. props to the Queer Eye guys for committing to make over someone who clearly had VERY different views than them. I’m not sure I wouldn’t have fled the house, had it been me.

      I really enjoyed the reboot. I like that they also focused more on making over the guys’ self-image and thoughts, than I remember the old version doing. I like that it wasn’t *entirely* about physical appearance and how they dress and such.

    6. Margali*

      I find Jonathan irritating and over the top, but other than that I live it and can’t wait for Season 2. I adore Tan and Karamo the most, and I want Antoni to be my cool little brother.

      1. Dear liza dear liza*

        I really loved Jonathan’s Web series GAY OF THRONES, but he’s a bit much for an entire series.

    7. Triple Anon*

      I almost didn’t post because I don’t want to be a downer. But I liked those shows at first and then became critical of them. On What Not to Wear, money is often clearly the issue. And/or time. Or something like that. Yes, if you give someone a day off and $5,000 (or whatever it was) that they can only spend on clothes, they will probably look better than they did when they had no days off and no expendable income. It was sad to see people’s real life, all too common challenges portrayed as fashion mistakes.

      And, on all of those shows, the queer vs straight stereotypes! And the gender stereotypes! And other things like that. I know that’s just tv and it’s all like that, but I found it really irritating.

      I’m just posting this for the sake of offering a different perspective. It’s just entertainment. If you enjoy it for that, no judgment! :-)

  13. Ruth (UK)*

    I posted on here a couple weeks back saying I have played fiddle on and off over the years but recently stopped playing due to feeling self conscious (I won’t repeat the whole story again, but it was due to something someone said as well as my feelings in general and not really liking how I sound, though I do like playing).

    I was previously playing in folk sessions etc. I also talked about how I feel my playing ‘level’ is mixed due to making certain beginner errors (like brushing strings I don’t mean to) and generally not being a good fiddle player despite having an ok musical ability in general (because though I lack much/recent formal teaching, I do also play other instruments. eg. I play piano at a higher level to my violin playing, and button melodeon at a lower level).

    I have practised a couple times this week partly because a friend of mine asked me if I would play / bring my fiddle to an event. I’m not sure if I will, but I thought I’d better find out if I can still remember how it works…

    I have not recorded my playing yet, but I wondered, if I did, would people on here give me feedback. Non-musicians about whether they think it is ok (or painful/annoying?) to hear (and would it be still bad if I was playing with other people eg. in a folk session) and musicians (especially string players) if they could think of any specific improvements I could make.

    I thought I could play some tunes and put it as an unlisted video on YouTube maybe next week or this week if I get it out and play now/soon. If you don’t know what unlisted means, it’s sort of between public and private. Anyone who has the link (which I’d provide) would be able to see the video, but it would never appear in a search.

    Does that sound like an ok thing, or is that not ok for reasons I’ve not thought of (I also realise it would de-anonymise me in a way if I did it on my regular channel (though maybe I could get round this somehow…?), which has other videos made by (and of) me, but I’m not too highly concerned. I’d disable the link (eg. make it private or remove the video) once the weekend thread was ‘closed’ eg. a couple days afterwards).

    1. FrontRangeOy*

      I’m going to repeat the advice I just got on a thread below because it’s spectacular: do what you do because you enjoy it, without any attachment to the outcome.

      Instrumental wise, I do understand your frustration though. I play several instruments at different levels of proficiency and it’s hard for me to separate how I feel about my performance from other people’s enjoyment of my performance. If your friends asked you to bring your instrument, they want to hear you play whether you think you’re up to your internal standard or not

    2. Myrin*

      I remember your story from a few weeks back and I’d love to hear some of your work and tell you what I think about it. I’m a total non-musician and can literally only judge music by whether I think it sounds nice or not, I have no ear for anything beyond that. If you end up doing this, I can also ask my sister to weigh in, as well – she’s a passionate and really good amateur singer and has much more of a technical ear without being overly critical.

    3. misspiggy*

      I’d be very happy to have a listen! Musical instrument playing person here, but not a fiddle player.

    4. Nelle Jefe*

      I would be interested, if you think you could return the favor for me at some point. I also like playing music but feel self-conscious about it, and I avoid session playing, mostly. In my case, it’s not anything anyone has said — I just have a big load of social anxiety that manifests itself that way.

      I know I’m not as good as I’d like to be, and the best cure for that is to just play more and work on my inner demons. I’ve thought before of recording myself a few times and letting one or a few people watch it. In my case, I’m less concerned with the overall ‘am I any good’ question, and more with ‘am I making any progress’.

      But while no mighty shakes as a performer myself, I’m pretty good at giving feedback. If you think it would be helpful to you, I’d be a willing participant.

    5. Hakuna Moscato*

      Long time reader coming out of lurker status to say…
      …I’m a string player, and I’d love to hear you play. I’m in a bit of a similar situation as you — I returned to the violin last year after a 17 year hiatus, though I’m taking lessons again. I’m not a pro violinist by any means, but if I can help, I’d be happy to.

        1. Hakuna Moscato*

          I played as a kid, too. :) I played for about a decade. Then I took a looooong break, lol. I didn’t return until one of my kids decided that she wanted to play, but now I’m wondering why it took me so long! Haha.

    6. Casuan*

      Ruth, what is your ultimate goal?
      Do you want to play in an orchestra, play professionally in smaller venues, play at parties, play for friends, play for you because you enjoy it, &or other or a mix of the above?
      If your goal is more towards the informal, then you might be so focussed on form to the point that it’s affecting the music. In a way I get the impression that you think that you have to play publicly, like it’s a requirement for one who plays an instrument. Your friend wouldn’t ask you to play if she didn’t like your music, although if she hasn’t heard you play then you should let her to be the judge.
      My impression might be way off base & if so, I’m sorry. Whatever your goals, you seem passionate about your music & you want to do it well & that’s always a special thing!
      I’d love to hear you play!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        I want to play (informally) with other people in folk settings (I’m a morris dancer). But I don’t want to sound so bad that it annoys people that I brought my instrument and joined in. (my post the other week was about how a guy tried to make a ‘deal’ with me that he wouldn’t sing, if I would stop playing my violin (the implication being that he sings [and I play] badly, and no one wants to hear that).

        My friend has heard me play (andalso plays music)

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          Wow that dude is a jerk. I thought that before hearing you play, because that’s an incredibly mean thing to say in any context, let alone one where everyone is just there to have fun. But having listened to you, I can tell you that it is also completely unfounded as well. Seriously, this is all on him. He’s a jerk. You have nothing to worry about.

          (I don’t play a string instrument, so I can’t give you any useful technique feedback, but I play clarinet, so I say this as a fellow musician)

    7. Ruth (UK)*

      I uploaded a video – I realise this will also go to moderation now (due to the link, and I hope posting this is ok). So it is a bit late now in the day, but oh well…

      I realise I am very tense when I’m playing. I know I probably don’t use enough of the bow. My posture is bad but I struggle to correct it. I do make a few off noises… etc. I play 3 tunes in this clip. The 3rd one is not the one I had planned to play when I started off, so I think I took myself by surprise… (I don’t find it too cringey to hear myself, but more cringey to see myself play. I look a lot of tense/awkward/wrong than I feel I do).

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqoV2I5ABtU&feature=youtu.be

      1. Cristina in England*

        I think you sound great! I am not a musician, just a fussy music fan, if that matters.

      2. Viola Player*

        Hi! I think you sound great and I really enjoyed listening to you. You play well in tune, your sense of rhythm and pulse is good, and you have a clear, strong sound. I read your comment after watching the video and I think your sense of what could be improved is pretty accurate: you tend to spend a lot of time in the upper half of the bow and some of the string crossings look a little awkward, with very big movements… experiment with different bowings as you could probably organise your bow distribution better. You do look tense (which I’m sure isn’t helped by knowing that you’re recording yourself!)… I know my “danger area” for tension is my shoulders, which tend to rise when I’m concentrating hard.
        As for the “off noises”, they didn’t stand out at all! Those types of mistakes are always so much more obvious to the performer than the audience, and are part of playing an instrument live.
        (If it matters, I’m a professional musician (a violist) and I teach violin and viola.)

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          Thank you. When I try and use the lower part of my bow, I feel all bunched up, so I end up not doing it, so I guess I never get used to using it. My string crossings do often feel awkward (you can sometimes hear an open string echoing that is not the one I’m trying to play on). One thing I’m aware of is… I kind of hate using my little finger and often play an open string above rather than use it (unless I’m already on the E string)! I actually can shift and play in other positions, but I haven’t had need/cause to for years (not since I last took lessons over a decade ago) so… I’ve probably forgotten how.

          1. Viola Player*

            Using the little finger… almost everyone hates this, especially at first, and it takes time to build up the strength in the finger. An easy exercise is to write down the numbers 1-4 in any order, then use that as your sequence for the day (so 1324, first finger, third finger…) Start on the E string and play the sequence as four crotchets, slurred together in one bow. Repeat this 4/8/10 times. Then double the speed, so you now play the sequence as quavers with two repetitions of the 4-note cycle in each bow. Then try doubling the speed again. Repeat this on all 4 strings (and don’t forget to move your left elbow slightly further under the instrument to help your fingers reach the lower strings).
            Another good exercise for the little finger is doing left hand pizzicato on all strings.
            My impression from your comments is that you’re an analytical person, so you might like the book “Basics” by Simon Fischer which has over 300 exercises for violin technique (some of them are REALLY tricky!)

      3. Peanut*

        I was a little worried at first, wondering whether you would want feedback if it was negative, but then I watched the clip. I have no idea what that guy was complaining about – is he awkward and maybe just tried to make a bad joke??? You are in tune and your sense of rhythm is fine, especially for what you want to do, so I’m completely baffled as to why anyone would complain about your playing. I quite enjoyed listening to it.

        I would say though, that I agree with Viola Player on some of the visuals of it. Is the person who complained not a great musician and basing his opinion on how you appear rather than how you sound? You don’t look happy, if that makes sense, because of posture, bowing, what VP said.

        But for what it’s worth, I don’t think you have anything to worry about as far as your sound goes.

        (I had 1 yr of piano, 5ish years of violin, then another 5ish years of viola. Played in audition-only orchestras up until graduating from high school, never practiced and kind of hated it, haven’t played in the 25ish years since then but now wish i had kept up because i would love to play in a group for contra dances, so good for you!!)

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          I would still like feedback if it’s negative. It’s hard to judge oneself, and I don’t want to be someone who keeps playing when other people are politely not saying anything but wishing I’d just stop. I know at least one person who plays out of tune violin and it’s not pleasant to hear. I wondered whether I am, but maybe my brain is ‘correcting’ it to my ear so I can’t tell how much I’m off (like how it’s difficult to proofread for yourself, because your brain reads what it thinks you wrote, not what you really wrote).

          The person who made the comment is not a musician at all, but he stood by his comment (he took it back when another person told him to, but then re-said it later). I do also do some ‘gag’ musical things when the situation allows – eg. I play the kazoo through my nose as a bit of a party trick. I think the topic started about that and… it was like he somehow didn’t realise that when I do nose-kazoo or ‘perform’ the triangle (ie. I make a big deal that I can play the triangle, and then stand holding the triangle as the music plays, and then ding it at the end) I am messing about/joking, but when I am playing the fiddle, I am not taking the p. He seemed to think my fiddle playing was equally a ‘gag’ act, somehow… (which made me question how bad it perhaps sounded)

          1. Peanut*

            I really don’t think your playing would make any normal person ask you to stop!! I have no idea what that guy is basing his opinion on, but it is clearly not on your actual playing because you are not out of tune in any noticeable way. And I’m definitely not saying this just to spare your feelings – honestly, I would just not have commented at all if I had been horrified by your playing or just disliked it.

            Are you ready for a solo at Carnegie Hall? Well, no, but that’s not your question or what you want to do. I really think that the average bystander (with or without a musical background) listening to you play solo would either enjoy it or would be neutral (not because of your actual skill level but because the person doesn’t like that particular style of music or another reason that has nothing to do with you).

            Please do go on playing in the folk settings if you enjoy it. If your worry is that you are making unpleasant noise for people, please know that it is unfounded on the reality of your playing. (In other words, you might still worry about it, but it seems based more in how you feel or what this one guy is saying, not your playing with is totally fine.)

      4. Nelle Jefe*

        You sound and look fine to me. I get the sense you are a little nervous, but it doesn’t take over what is a perfectly acceptable performance. I don’t think you should worry one bit about playing for your friend’s event — whatever the problem that one guy had, it was his own.

      5. Nynaeve*

        I thought your playing was perfectly pleasant. Not professional orchestra level, but about what I would expect to hear at something like a Renaissance fair. In a setting like that, I would stop and listen a while, clap, and maybe throw a dollar in the hat.

        I did notice you brushing an adjacent string in a couple of places, but only because I was listening for it. If you hadn’t mentioned that as an issue, I doubt I would have noticed.

        I say go forth and play! Ignore the haters! (Or ignite the haters, if you listen to autocorrect.)

      6. PlantLady*

        There’s nothing at all wrong with your playing, you sound very good! I don’t have the expertise to give you any technical feedback, but if I were at a get together or a jam session and you were playing, I would enjoy it.

        I finally started playing the fiddle about 3 years ago – in my mid 40s and with no other musical experience behind me – and I wish I sounded as good as you do. Keep up the good work!

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          Well done – it’s tough to start as an adult I think, and fiddle isn’t really the easiest one to start with (they’re good for kids cause they come in small sizes!). I know a guy who took up recorder for the first time in his 70s – about 3 years ago. He’s pretty decent at it now!

      7. anonagain*

        I’m a non-musician and I think you sound good! Your playing isn’t painful or embarrassing at all.

      8. Mm Hmm*

        You sound fine, Ruth. Your friend is way off base. Go forth & play!

        You mentioned that you’re working on your posture. If you are interested in things to try, you might check out the Alexander Technique. Part of what I like about it is that the focus is on “use of the self” & the relationships of posture & movement, rather than on positions. I recommend group classes over private, as I could see changes in others while having no idea how to understand what was happening internally. It’s a great tool to have, if it’s of interest.

      9. misspiggy*

        Loved it! Perfect for a folk setting. Very nice tone, confident rhythm and just enjoyable all round. Hubby who is a fiddle player says a little bit of string brushing was detectable, but that that just makes a nice folkie sound.

      10. Rosie M. Banks*

        I’m a folk musician and teacher (though not a violinist) and I gave it a listen. You have an excellent sense of rhythm and the ability to keep a steady tempo. (Trust me, not everyone does.) I thought the tunes were played with considerable musicality and expression. I heard a couple little squeaks and thought your bow dragged another string once or twice, but I certainly didn’t hear anything that detracted from the overall musicality of the performance, which I found quite enjoyable. If you were my student, and played at that level on my instrument, I would say “Go forth and play in public whenever you like!” Ignore the jackass who criticized you. Good amateur musicians can bring a lot of joy into people’s lives, and you shouldn’t let some jerk take that away from you.

        (Apologies if something like this posts twice — I wrote out something very similar, but it seems to have disappeared.)

      11. Casuan*

        Thanks for sharing your music with us!
        I really enjoyed it!!
        Also, +1 that the guy you mentioned was a jerk.

        Three things that come to mind:
        -My ex-roomie played quite well & often I’d see her practise. Your face seemed to have the same look of concentration that she had, which is my bizarre way of saying that your face doesn’t look tense.
        -Your stance is a bit tense. Would it help if you changed how you stand just a little? It might not be technically correct, although would that matter for how & when you play?
        -Your bow wrist also seems tense; would it help to loosen it when you play?

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          The face, yes… It’s actually so common especially among box players that we call it ‘melodeon face’ in the morris world! I do enjoy playing, but don’t look it…

          My stance is the one thing most incorrectly represented in this clip… I normally end up swaying when I play but it looks really weird. I’m quite embarrassed about it tbh. Here, I am making quite a conscious effort not to..

          Bowing… I need to work on but I’m struggling with actually improving or correcting it

      12. Vancouver Reader*

        I thought it was lovely! I’m not a musician by any stretch, but I really admire anyone who plays the violin because I think it’d be a very difficult instrument to play well. Bravo to you for posting it on YouTube and letting us enjoy your music.

      13. Myrin*

        I think you sound perfectly lovely! As I mentioned, I’m like, negatively-talented when it comes to music, so I can basically only judge whether I like something or not, and I did like this! I can’t in any way differentiate between your playing and that of a professional musician, it all sounds the same to me, so I think you did perfectly fine.

        As others said, you appeared a bit stiff which obviously doesn’t have anything to do with how you sounded but I was always waiting for you to… move a bit more, if that makes sense? I’m used to fiddlers at least swaying a little, often even getting really into it and “bouncing” so I kinda missed that, but that might just be influenced by the people I know who play the violin.

      14. Jules the First*

        You’re a little overcritical! You play much better than I would have expected from the words you’ve posted…so go forth and play with joy!

        That said, since you want critcism, here are my “violin teacher hat” comments on your comments:
        – your posture is good, but please stop trying to stop swaying…there’s nothing wrong with moving when you play and by trying not to, you are creating tension which is inhibiting your playing :)
        – using your fourth finger will be easier if you can drop your left wrist. By flexing your wrist up, you are limiting the space your tendons have in the wrist, which makes moving your fingers harder. If you ease your wrist down more in line with your arm, your fingers will move more freely and comfortably.
        – you mention that you find it hard to play in the lower half of the bow; we talked last time about bowing through the wrist and fingers, rather than just through the elbow (which is what you are doing and which is very very normal!). Working on this will give you the biggest bang for your buck in the sense that it will give you more control over your bow and thus more confidence in your sound.

        Let me know if anything I’ve said doesn’t make sense – I’m happy to try a skype call if you want real-time feedback before you play at your friend’s thing.

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          Thank you.

          I will try to sort out my wrist – that has been bad since forever and sometimes I remember to try and correct it, and then I forget again for a while! It slips up when I’m not consciously thinking about it.

          I will try and look up some bowing exercises – I had sort of forgotten about them but vaguely recall having done some when I first learned, which I could probably go back to…

          My friend’s thing is a little soon, but it’s not hugely concerning… it’s really just a folk session (lots of people playing at once) but is a specially called one for a particular party rather than a regular weekly/monthly/whatever one. I’m also a bit socially embarrassed that people might click they haven’t seen me with the fiddle since probably November now and ask me about it (that friend and one other are the only 2 that seem to have noticed at the moment – I wasn’t bringing it every week even when I was ‘still’ playing).

      15. Ron McDon*

        Hi Ruth,

        A bit late here, but I thought you sounded great! I don’t personally like the violin (many years of listening to it played very badly by children!), but I thought you played very well.

        As others have mentioned, I did hear a few times where you brushed other strings but think it doesn’t matter – you’re not playing as a classical violinist in an orchestra or as a soloist at Last Night of the Proms. I feel it is more than acceptable for this sort of informal folky playing.

        So, that guy is a jerk, and you should not feel embarrassed or awkward about playing in public. Quite honestly I was almost dreading clicking on the link, and wondering how bad you were going to be; from your post I was expecting to hear that awful, screechy, scratchy violin playing from my youth! You were nothing at all like that – go and play!

      16. the gold digger*

        I haven’t played violin for years, but I thought you sounded just fine. I don’t know where that guy was coming from. I was expecting something like the sound of cats fighting. Instead, I heard perfectly pleasant music!

        As I watched, I channeled my 7th grade orchestra teacher, Ms. Bonnington, who would have said, “Straighten your left wrist and get that right elbow up!” :)

    8. Like Feathers*

      Oh, I remember that! Also thinking the person who said stuff to you was a word not to be used on AAM…

      Not sure my feedback would be useful, since my ears are very untrained, but happy to give it a go.

    9. MarySue*

      I gave you a listen and it sounded fine to me! As good as any folk music fiddler I’ve ever heard. In context, I like to go to open mikes, hootenannies and that kind of informal music event and…I kind of thought that “fiddle” music in this context is supposed to be a little less precise than perhaps classical violin playing in a quartet might be. So if there were any errors (not that I heard any) I would attribute it to style….sort of like in some jazz the notes are more bendy.
      I think maybe the person who criticized your playing is a bit of a jerk, and/or, if his singing is bad, perhaps his ear is also bad. Or he may just not like the violin. My mother always hated the instrument because she found the high notes painful, especially if out of tune as it might be for a beginning learner, so I was not allowed to learn it myself.
      I also tend to dislike the high notes (also high soprano singing) so I thank you for not going up there! Don’t know if this helps but my cat came over to cuddle while I was listening. He appears to love it. Try an audience of felines to build your confidence. And recommend a voice teacher to your “friend.”

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Yeah, I think the difference between ‘fiddle’ and ‘violin’ is about the way you play it and the context. I think if you say ‘violin’ you can mean any style or level, but it’s especially more common if you are intending to play ‘correctly’ where ‘correct’ here means ‘classically trained’ and probably playing classical music.

        I think ‘fiddle’ is used if you’re playing folk or country music, and especially if you are self taught or do not play ‘traditionally’ or ‘properly’ etc. People who play in this way can still be very good! But it’s just different.

        I think overall ‘violin’ is the broader term. I think you can still call it a violin if you’re a folk player, and it won’t sound off, but it sounds a bit weird to say ‘fiddle’ when you’re talking about a classical string quartet.

        Originally, I began taking lessons (as a child) in quite a traditional/classical way, which I never really enjoyed and then gave up until I took it up again once I’d been kidnapped into the folk world. For me, calling it a ‘fiddle’ sounded odd for a couple years – it didn’t quite work in my mouth, and I felt sort of like I was using a ‘slang’ that didn’t belong to me. Sort of like when you’re a kid and then adults try to use current-kid-slang and then it sounds silly – I felt like I was basically doing that. But ‘violin’ felt wrong to say too (cause I was playing folky), so I started just saying “my instrument” for a while! Now, it feels normal to say fiddle… phew!

        I also am not a fan of high notes! The 2nd piece I played, I am actually playing the first part of it an octave lower than everyone else usually does! I sort of wish I played the viola instead, but not quite enough to commit to getting one or trying to make a switch…

        1. Rosie M. Banks*

          Folk musician here, though not a violinist. I heard lovely rhythm and controlled tempo, which not every amateur has. A few squeaks or notes dragged onto another string, but nothing that seriously detracted from the overall musical effect. Overall, I thought it was a clear and musical performance. I also think the guy who criticized you sounds like an ass. With your musicality, you have the ability to bring a little more joy into the world. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!

        2. Viola Player*

          I’m very biased here, but you should absolutely have a go at the viola! It’s a wonderful instrument and doesn’t get the love it deserves :-) At the music school where I work, I’ve just started a viola ensemble. There are currently 10 members, aged between 7 and 20, some of whom only play the viola while others are violinists interested in learning a new but not so different instrument… the youngest player in the group even asked Father Christmas to bring her a viola!
          Whatever you do, don’t give up playing!

        3. Incantanto*

          Can you find a folk based teacher to give you a listen/a couple of lessons. I play clarinet and recently played for two lessons just to reset after none for years: it really helped just to get a few pointers on how to improve. The folk world is full of helpful fiddlers, but I know they can tend to intimidating/exclusive in groups, so a couple of one on ones might bring up your confidence.

          Or maybe one of the workshop sessions at a festival?

    10. Hakuna Moscato*

      I watched your video and I think you sound great. You’re in tune and you have good rhythm. I agree with Viola Player in that you look a bit tense and your string crossings are big (for lack of a better word). I did hear some string brushing, but I was looking out for them since you mentioned it. I don’t know if I would’ve noticed if I hadn’t been looking for it.

      Overall, I think you’re totally fine. I’d definitely stop and listen if I saw you playing live at an event. (I love fiddle music! I mostly play classical, which is sometimes less fun.)

  14. Elsie*

    Anybody have any tips for getting through a deployment? My boyfriend is in the military and got deployed for the first time since our relationship started. I won’t be able to be in contact with him at all right now. The person I talk to every day suddenly is totally unreachable and I feel lonely. Has anyone been through this? Any advice?

    1. Thlayli*

      How often can you contact him? As I understand it most deployments have some time at a base built in so you might be able to talk once a week or once a fortnight or something. Having that date in your head makes it easier. Also write him letters / send care packages etc.

      Apart from the contact aspect, just go about your life as if you were single, minus the dating. Connect with friends and family, arrange something to do with other people at least once a week, get a hobby, etc. The time will pass soon enough if you keep busy.

      1. Elsie*

        He’s in the submarine service, so there’s no texts, phone calls, video chat, Facebook, etc. I can email him but he can only email back a small percentage of the time.

        1. ContentWrangler*

          That’s tough, hope you have good friends you can lean on while you deal with this change. I haven’t dealt with a deployment though I have experience with prolonged time abroad where the time difference made communication really difficult. It helped me to send a little email every day, usually before bed – kind of like coming home and talking about how your day way, what things happened that made you think of them. You make it clear that you don’t expect a response to most of the emails. It’s kind of like a diary for the person you’re missing. Just getting out the things you wish you could say to him might help.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Letters. It’s become a lost art–even though you can type up an email and then hit send–but it is a good way to keep him connected to home.

      My husband often has business trips to Asia where he’s 12 hours off from me, and I will send texts about what the children or animals are doing that only make sense if you know them, and are only particularly interesting or touching if you know them. (e.g. “Apparently it’s hard to dribble a soccer ball upstairs while carrying hot chocolate” and “Dog was not switched with a doppelganger”) If you can compile those little small observations (“Wed, lunch: Cat defeats Q-tips”) into a longer missive that you send (email, letter, etc) it can make for a nice connection.

      1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

        I second this. A close friend was a submariner and he and his wife worked HARD at writing letters to each other. Even if they arrived in a big batch, they would draw them out over the days apart. They also kept those letters and at their 20th anniversary, sat down and read them again.

    3. TerryD*

      I don’t really have any advice but I do sympathize. My husband is in the military as well and we have spent a lot of time long distance because of that. I would look into the base resources, I know that where I am there was a ton for dependants going through deployment. I’ve known people who got a lot of comfort from countdowns. My mother and father were also in the military and spent a lot of time apart due to deployments and postings and what it came down to in their relationship was independence. Being able to be comfortable alone and knowing that you are complete even without your S.O.
      Totally second the letters or writing emails. I found that when my husband was incommunicado writing letters / emails were enough to get the impression of connection that I craved.
      I also have mantras. This too shall pass. It’s a hell of a climb but think of the view at the top. Remember your strength.
      And don’t be afraid to ask for help!
      Sorry for how scattered this all is!

    4. MissingArizona*

      When my husband deployed it was incredibly lonely. The best thing you can do is just keep yourself busy. They’re gone, and it sucks, but it’ll suck a lot more if you sit at home waiting for them.

    5. Cheshire Cat*

      Do you know any family members of his crew mates? Sometimes talking to others in your situation can be helpful. If you can do something inexpensive and fun once a month, it can help — plus they know exactly what you’re going through.

    6. KR*

      Try seeing if there is a Facebook group for the significant others of his units wives! It’s a little different because you’re a girlfriend and girlfriends usually get excluded from most benefits ans support wives get but I found the company of other wives is so so helpful dealing with deployments and long field ops. We’re all here for you. -USMC wife

    7. Moose Javian*

      My husband was on submarines too, and left for a 6 month deployment on the day of our first wedding anniversary. Seconding previous posters’ advice to write emails to him. We numbered ours in the subject line, and wrote every day, about all kinds of things – daily events, big news, random thoughts. The numbering really helped, because I think on submarines, they send the emails through (both to and from boats) in batches, which means you can go days without receiving any, and then have 3 or 4 hit your inbox at the same time. The numbers helped both of us keep the chronology straight. And you can also see if you miss any, which does happen. They don’t always go through, for various reasons.
      The deployment will be tough – not gonna lie. But keep yourself busy, reach out to friends, try to find some fellow navy wives/girlfriends if possible, and count down the days. It’s not forever!

    8. Kuododi*

      Check with your base… depending on the policy, you may qualify for free services with a Military Family Life Consultant through Family Program. (Unsure if they work with unmarried partners.). It has been about 10 years since I worked with the military so I am unsure about current policy. Military One Source is also a great resource. (Free telephone support.). Check your base and see if there is a Family Readiness Group in your area. (Family support made up of military families.). Best wishes and keep in touch…

    9. Tea, please*

      My brother is currently deployed (3rd time), but he does have wifi access. See if there is a Family Readiness Group connected with your BFs unit. Typically it is run by the wife of the commander to share information and this could be a support network for you. This could be tricky b/c you’re not married, but maybe it could help you get connected with other girlfriends.
      Mail is also a great way to stay in touch. Also, I gave my brother a digital recorder before his first deployment so he could send audio messages to his kids. Don’t know if he ended up using it, but he was really excited to try.

    10. June*

      Oh girl, been there, done that (married to a military man for 10 years before he retired). Here are some things that helped us –
      1. Email him as much as possible. I know he won’t be able to respond often but it helped me feel connected with my hubby when he was gone. And it keeps the other person connected to what is going on at home. Even little things like telling him I was so proud that I remembered to take out the trash on trash day that I had a smile that morning going to work. It will mean the world to him to hear the boring, little details.
      2. If he is a reader, send him a copy of a book you both could read. Have him write notes in his copy and discuss it via email or when he returns.
      3. Send care packages. It made me happy to think of themes and get the supplies to make the care packages. Some suggested themes are – jerky in every flavor (some counties wouldn’t accept pork products so check first); birthday care package with decorations and enough goodies for him to share with everyone so he could have a mini party; everything in yellow (or another other color you want); cheesy books from a used book store; silly underwear (if he is allowed to wear something other than military issued and make sure they are comfortable – no thongs); gum in every flavor; water sports (squirt guns, water balloons, etc.); you get the idea.
      4. Just know this time apart is going to suck. Embrace the suck as they say and take good care of yourself. I took more baths and cried in the shower when I needed.
      Hang in there!

  15. FrontRangeOy*

    I’m opening a show in a week. Amateur/Community theater but we’re a 99 seater philosophically (small program with the intent of training young actors and developing their craft). I learned how to cope with repetitive anxious thoughts last year but am still struggling with feelings of not being good enough. It’s a small show, just 5 actors including myself, and our director has about a decade of professional acting credits as well. I’m just an adult community actor who like acting enough to show up and audition for 2 shows a year and learn as much as I can in during the rehearsal periods. I’ve been called “a naturally really talented actor” several times in the past couple days and that’s messing with my tech week mindset more than it should.

    1. nep*

      I think no matter what the undertaking, most people struggle with a sense of not being good enough. But what’s ‘good enough,’ really?
      It’s great that you do this. Think about how much you enjoy some unique quality this or that fellow actor brings. You’ve got that too — whatever that flair is that only you have. And — given those comments you’ve received — I’m sure you’re far better than you give yourself credit for.
      A good friend once made a remark to me about doing something without attachment to outcome — it really is powerful. It can apply to so many things — sending a letter, trying a new skill…
      All the best to you. Enjoy.

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        That’s really helpful, to do your thing without attachment to the outcome. Thank you

    2. Mm Hmm*

      You do you. It’s the way to grow into your craft. Others provide information in their responses, but it’s information for you to use not definitions imposed on you.

      Many of us have been at performances where some people weren’t impressed but for others it was the best they’d ever seen/heard. You do you.

    3. LilySparrow*

      A couple of things that helped a lot when I was performing:

      Use a physical ritual of some kind to “take off” yourself and “put on” the character. It’s hokey, but it helped me get out of my own head.

      Bear in mind that creative frustration or dissatisfaction is a sign that your skills are making a leap. Your discernment of what’s good and perception of what’s possible are always ahead of your ability. So your artistic growth goes in cycles: you try something, you’re pleased with the result, you feel a sense of accomplishment. Then you learn more, and you get dissatisfied. Your previous efforts seem weak. Then you level up and have a new sense of accomplishment.
      So you should always welcome that feeling of discontent as good news – it means you’re about to level up.

      Focus on your technique stuff: what does your character want at this exact moment? How close are you to getting it? Who’s winning or losing the scene right now? What is the physical event, the emotional event, the change in relationship? How are you experiencing that right now? And so forth.

      And then sometimes I had to kind of shake myself and say, “Listen missy, those people paid money to see this play, not my agita. They deserve 100 percent of my attention and effort, all the way through. Its not about me & my feelings, it’s about doing the show. So qwitcher whining & get on with it.”

      So best of luck with tech week and break a leg!

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        Thank you!

        Just got home from a double header (OY!!) and this was wonderful to read before heading to bed. The drama we’re doing is emotionally demanding so “stepping out of my character” rituals are already super important. Mine is not hanging costumes until final curtain (I lay them over a chair neatly in the meantime). Hanging everything up helps me get back to myself

  16. Feeling Crushed*

    Am planning on leaving my marital/family home after 35 years of marriage and 30 years in this house. Ive opened my own bank accounts, have been looking for places to live, etc. Im going to have to take some money out of my 401k to buy a used car. It feels so hard and I am so anxious. Husband is delusional about our relationship. Now that kids are gone, its worse. How do people do this?

    1. New commenter*

      All I can say is take it one day at a time. Maybe break things down into manageable tasks (like buying s used car), and just keep doing the next task. You are so brave for making such a big life change. Not everyone would do that, but so proud of you for recognizing when something was no longer working, and being willing to pursue a better life for yourself. You are amazing, and you deserve the best life for you. Good luck!!!

      1. Feeling Crushed*

        Thanks, thats good advice. Will feel less overwhelmed. Our marriage has been crappy for a long time. I want to be able to enjoy life at this point.

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I left after 13 years of marriage, almost 20 years since I fell in love with him. It’s hard. Really really hard. 35 years is long. But being trapped where you’re unhappy is worse.

      Good luck. Keep posting (if you want to). I’m rooting for you.

    3. I Am Still Furious!!*

      Good for you! I left after 32 years of marriage, most of it bad. My husband isn’t getting the picture, and it will soon be 6 months since I moved out, and no settlement proposal yet. I can’t wait to get the divorce finalized so I can move on! Just take one day at a time, be good to yourself, and remember there will be good and bad days, but at the end, you will be so much happier.

    4. Marillenbaum*

      The same way you eat an elephant: one bite at a time. You are doing the things you need to do, and that’s enough.

      1. Feeling Crushed*

        Thanks all, i just have to keep reminding myself that i did everything i could.

    5. Nic*

      Oh Feeling Crushed, I’m sorry you’ve dealt with 35 years of hardship, and I’m THRILLED for you that you’re making plans to get out!

      It sounds like you’re already going through some great steps. The other advice here is also really good…take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

      I haven’t been through the same situation, but I know when I’m planning something big, even if it’s good, I often procrastinate. My trick is to make myself do at least one thing towards the goal a day. Make a phone call. Put aside money. Spend 10 minutes packing or making a list. Whatever I can to keep things moving forward.

      I know it’s suggested around here a lot, but Captain Awkward has some good stuff that involves making time and space for you, connecting with Team You, and getting stuff done.

      Good luck, you’ll rock this! Please keep us updated!

    6. Quickbeam*

      Feeling Crushed: I’m your internet twin. Leaving a 31 year marriage. I strongly recommend counseling, it has changed my life. I now have a storage locker for things that are important to me and am scouting out apartments. I have separated our finances and sought legal help on what I am entitled to. It’s hard but it won’t get easier ignoring the problems ( in my case spousal addiction). I’ll keep you in my thoughts as we make our way in an unfamiliar world!

  17. oy*

    Regular commenter going oh so anon

    Is the third date too early to have a “Where might this be headed?” conversation? How do I even have the conversation if the timing’s okay?

    I met someone through a dating app. We’ve gone out twice. For the first time in my life (I’m in my early 30’s), I feel like there might be something there, like I might actually want something serious with him. We won’t get married next month or anything, but there’s definitely something there that I’ve never felt with anyone else I’ve dated. And, yeah, I know this is ridiculously early because…

    I need to tell my landlord very soon whether or not I want to commit to my lease for another year. I’m very on the fence about whether I want to stay for another year. I have time for one more date with this person before I need to let my landlord know. What this guy says is not going to determine, by itself, whether I stay or go, but it’s information I’d appreciate having.

    I’m also studying in another country on a visa. I have about a year before I’ll have to leave unless I find a job here, but my classes end in May and then I’m just writing my thesis, which I could do here or elsewhere. The economy here is going through some weird problems, and because of the uncertainty I’m not sure whether I want to stay or whether I’ll even be able to find a job once I get my degree. So if there is something there and he agrees there’s something there and things are going well, I might have to leave anyway in a year.

    He is fairly shy, so I doubt he will bring it up. I’m going with the assumption that if one of us is going to bring it up, it’ll have to be me. But I’m totally stuck on how to address it because, well, I got to my 30’s without even tentatively feeling like this about anyone so I just assumed I never would. I know this is really premature and I wish the timing weren’t so awful. If I were more sure of where I’d physically be within the next couple years I’d wait. Ugh, I feel ridiculous even asking this.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Thoughts as I read:
      1st paragraph: With relationships it only matters if you’re reasonable close to the same page. People happily agree to marry on the second date, or that this is casual after 5 years.

      3rd paragraph: Do not move in together. That really shifts the “should I break up” and is probably too fast.

      4 and 5: Is it possible to rent a place on a monthly basis? You seem eh on your home and town–which is better than loathing them.

      If there is to be a long-term, how does he feel about where he lives?

      1. oy*

        No renting on a monthly basis unless I wanted to get an Airbnb (which would be much more expensive than my apartment). As a non-citizen, I have to pay a lot more than a citizen would, which is the biggest factor in my thinking of moving somewhere else (as in another country because the situation would be the same anywhere in that city). Wasn’t thinking of moving in with him right away, but a lot of people seem to have jumped to that, so I must have worded something wrong there.

        He does like the city we live in. I don’t know if he wants to stay here forever. If I were in a better headspace (mine’s been bad for a long time for unrelated reasons), maybe I’d be less eh about it.

        But not renewing the lease feels like deciding to preemptively end whatever relationship we could have had–if I leave, I’m probably not coming back. And it took more than 30 years for me to find someone I could even imagine myself being with in the long run, so the thought of not even trying to see where it might go even if it doesn’t work out is a rough one to think, to say the least. If I keep going like this, maybe I’ll meet someone else I like in my 60’s.

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      I understand and I don’t think you’re ridiculous! I think one way to approach it might be to let him know your plans and see what he says. I told my SO that I was applying to grad school in a city about three hours away. When I got accepted, which was several months into the relationship, I said I was going and he could come if he wanted or not. He said yes, and we stayed together for 5 years.
      I would also say that three dates is a little early for making plans around. Renew the lease or don’t based on your own wants/needs, but I wouldn’t make any decisions based on the guy, because you never know.

      1. Anona*

        Ditto to all of this! Third date is super early to be renewing/not renewing based on him. Give it a few more dates and see how things are before having the “so, are we seeing other people or are we exclusive” talk.

        1. oy*

          I don’t disagree with you that the third date is too early to be renewing or not renewing for him. That’s what’s making this so frustrating for me. If I decide not to renew (there are pros and cons to both sides, it was just a much less emotional internal debate for me before I met this guy), then why bother having the “Are we exclusive?” talk to begin with? Or why bother even continuing to see each other at all?

          1. Snark*

            The thing is, though, you’re defining “successful relationship” as “seeing each other exclusively for a really long time, and staying together through the visa issue.” That’s one possible successful outcome, but it’s not that or “why even see each other at all if I’m not sure?” You can have a very successful relationship for….six months, and then decide, hey, this isn’t quite what I’m feeling but you’re a great person and I wish you the best. You can have a successful relationship for a year and still decide that he’s not the person you want to be with when you’re both ancient and toothless, and leave the country and bid him a fond farewell. Or maybe you end up happily ancient and toothless together. But I’ve had six-month flings of a totally nonexclusive nature that I consider totally successful relationships, and I’ve observed exclusive 30-year marriages that I’d rate a failure.

            So I think it’s a fallacy to assume that it’s not worth it to ride this train – whether you get off a few stops down the line or ride it all the way to the end – particularly when it sounds like you’ve not been in many relationships, successful or otherwise. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that it’s not worth it at all if it doesn’t end in a nursing home.

      2. Betsy*

        What my ex did was to tell me, when we first started dating, quite early on, that she had plans to spend time in another country in six months time, and that it was all already organised, so I had the information I needed to make a choice about whether to keep dating her. So we decided to see where things went, with no real expectations that it would last.

        I think if you give him all the info about your potential plans, then you can see how things go from there.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I think it’s too early. This comes from someone who (when he was 20) told his girlfriend he loved her after eight days together, and freaked the living heck out of her. Personally I’d give it at least a month, and in the meantime, just enjoy the feeling of feeling something for someone that you’ve never felt for anyone else (doesn’t that feel nice)? All the best of luck to you.

      1. oy*

        Yeah, I don’t love him and definitely don’t plan on saying it before I do (if I do). It’s hard to enjoy this feeling with all the uncertainty, though.

    4. Snark*

      “Is the third date too early to have a “Where might this be headed?” conversation?”

      Yeah, I think. My wife and I had sort of a hypothetical, “so, what are you looking for relationshipwise these days” sort of discussion, but it wasn’t so much “where are WE headed” as much as a “where would you like to be headed” discussion. And she, like you, was also considering whether she’d move back to Israel or stay in the US, and was not sure which gender she wanted to partner with, and it was good to get all the cards out on the table.

      In your case, I think it’d be good to lay some cards out on the table – “so I’m not sure whether I can or want to stay here, and my visa is what it is, but I see some potential for a long-term relationship with you, where ya at?”

      1. Snark*

        And, I meant to add, that conversation was like two months in, when we’d started hanging out three or four nights a week and it made sense to call her my girlfriend. Three dates in is pretty early to bring this up.

          1. Snark*

            I understand, but there’s such a thing as being too honest, especially after three dates. He’s not going to be able to reassure you that he wants you to stay or that he’s going to be in a relationship with you when your visa expires because he doesn’t know. All either of you know is that this is an interesting person who you could see a relationship with maybe happening. And that’s too early for him to productively or comfortably engage with that question.

      2. Reba*

        I think that’s a really useful distinction: what you want in a relationship, where you envision such a relationship fitting in your life, versus what is the future of THIS (potential) relationship right here. I think the former is totally in bounds in early dates. The latter you probably can’t even answer beyond the presence of absence of spark/chemistry.

        That said the moving situation has to be decided based on you alone. You just can’t count on this person yet.

        Caveat, I don’t know shit about dating but I love talking to my friends about it. I know that if I were dating now I’d want to be strategic about it and I’d appreciate having the big picture chats on the early side.

        Good luck!

      3. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Yeah, I didn’t have the “should I renew my work permit? Or maybe even look at applying for permanent residence?” conversation with my now-husband until we’d been together for almost a year. Doing it before that would have put too much pressure on a new and fun relationship. Apartment leases obviously aren’t as big of a deal as immigration decisions, but I’d still give it at least a couple more months.

      4. Parenthetically*

        Mm, yeah, this is where I’d land as well, I think. “Hey, in general I’m looking for X kind of relationship, what about you” is fair pretty early on.

        1. Sled dog mama*

          Yes! My now husband and I had a what are you looking for and how does a relationship fit in your plans conversation pretty early (2-3 weeks) and became long distance at 3 months. Next week we will have been married 10 years. Make your decisions for you and what makes best sense for you and give the relationship time to grow and develop, even if it is long distance (hubby and I went a year where we saw each other twice, in a long distance relationship you either figure out how to talk to your partner about everything or the relationship doesn’t work, I think the long distance did wonders for our communication)

    5. Krista*

      I think you are rushing things. It would make me uncomfortable if someone asked me that question after the second date and might scare me away.

    6. Twitch*

      Make your housing decision based on you, not whatever he says. That should not be a consideration at this time. Even if the two of you are one day going to be married, three dates in is way too soon for that to have ANY bearing on your choices. In six months, maybe, it would be reasonable to start thinking about these things. But three dates just isn’t nearly enough time to know someone well enough to go there.

    7. Libervermis*

      No need to feel ridiculous, you’re finding a connection with someone and aren’t sure how to pursue it. Most people can relate.

      Separate from any other conversations or decisions, do not move in with him. Decide where you’re living next year based on what works for you and let the relationship be separate from that.

      In terms of discussing the future, it seems like a “hey I really like this and I’d like to keep seeing where this relationship is going” convo is perfectly in line with where you’re at. “I’m moving away in a year, do you see us making it for the long term” is probably not. So exclusivity/mutual interest: fine. Plans for eighteen months from now: likely premature.

      1. oy*

        I guess I just don’t see the point in being exclusive with someone when I already know there’s a hard end date–I know where it’s going, which is nowhere. It’s not that I want to plan out the whole relationship and want confirmation that we’ll eventually get married, it’s that I don’t see a reason to keep seeing him if I already know I’m leaving. And if I decide not to renew my lease, why even go on a fourth date or have the discussion at all?

        1. Libervermis*

          Oof, that all sounds like a lot (and still not at all ridiculous). I wish I had an answer for you, but I mostly just have internet hugs if you want them. I would encourage you not to think of it as a simple binary of “I renew my lease, stay here, date this person” or “I move away, never find love” – I’m not saying this is your exact binary, and that feeling of “what if I never find this again?” is real, but what if there were more alternatives than “this person or bust”?

        2. Reba*

          You could just enjoy the company for the time that you have it?

          I agree that exclusivity probably doesn’t make sense in that situation, but having fun is still allowed–if you think it’s possible to have the fun and not hurt too bad when it’s done, I guess.

          1. Snark*

            Yep. I think there’s a head-zap the culture lays on us, where everything is rounded up to TWOO WUV and “if I don’t want to make babies with this person it’s not real” and “it has to maybe last for the next 50 years or I’m out.” A low-stakes six-month fling is just….hooking up. FWBs. It’s not real. It’s not actually successful. But what if it is? What if it’s warm and fun and you take good care of each other and part with some sorrow at the end? It doesn’t need to be maximum emotional and time investment to be real and successful.

        3. Colleen*

          What are the penalties for renewing then moving out? Is there an option to sublet? Move in with roommates? It seems like there may be an option between “commit to this place for a whole year” and moving out of the country in 2 months (or whenever you’d have to leave).

          Even if there’s a cost to breaking your lease, perhaps that’s the cost of finding out if there’s something to this relationship.

          I also agree you can have the “I’m digging this, how about you?” after 3 dates- and you might get enough in his response to make a decision (if he says no, if he says he doesn’t want a long term relationship, etc).

        4. Betsy*

          But the thing is, you’re shutting yourself out of a potential opportunity if you just cut things off now. Sure, there is a strong possibility that you may move to another country, be open about that. But who knows what will happen- you could have several more dates and then go long distance for a while, or maybe next date he’ll pick his nose all the way through dinner at a nice restaurant and you’ll be put off and not want to see him again, or maybe if you date for a while he’ll be open to moving to your country.

        5. Snark*

          “It’s not that I want to plan out the whole relationship and want confirmation that we’ll eventually get married,”

          Except….basically you are, as I said above. You’re assuming that if you can’t plan out the relationship beyond a year from now, it’s not worth even considering – even if you’re not setting a marriage date yet. And you think you can’t plan out the relationship, or at least see a clear logistical path to staying with this person for over a year, then why bother? But if a person is basically nontoxic and good to you, and you have good experiences together and bring each other happiness and (should you be so inclined) sexy times, and you strive to leave the relationship honestly and compassionately whenever that might happen….that’s success, my friend!

          If you need a reason to keep seeing him, “I might have a relationship for up to a year and maybe much longer, depending on how things roll, with the first person I’ve actually been attracted to in a very long time if ever,” seems a solid one to me. You don’t need to make an airtight court case demonstrating to the doubtful jury in your head that there’s a point to dating a person.

          1. oy*

            I fudged the timeline for anonymity reasons and I think I accidentally made things unclear. If I don’t renew my lease I’m gone in 3 months.

            Any relationship could end at any time. But it seems like more trouble and pain than it’s worth to start something tbat will automatically end no mattet how we feel at the time it ends.

    8. Casuan*

      Oy, you’re not being ridiculous. Actually you’re being quite practical to recognise that it’s something you need to sort through & not to jump in head first.

      It is much too soon. Make your decisions as you would if you hadn’t met this guy. Definitely don’t move in together, even if it is as a friend-thing.
      the factors at play:
      -You could be unwittingly idealising the relationship, in part because of the economics & your deadlines.
      -If this guy is a different nationality than you, be extra cautious about having the where-do-we-go conversation. There are cultural norms that aren’t always evident; if no one discusses them it’s probably because they’re ingrained norms- ie: it’s taken for granted that everyone knows them & it’s easy to forget that other cultures might not be aware of them.
      -If you’re both the same nationality in another country, your feelings could be because you’ve found a compatriot who like what you do yet he might not be ready for the conversation you want to have.

      re your lease:
      +1 to asking if it can be extended by the month, or even to sign for a shorter term; again, base this decision as you would have without the new relationship.

      Err on the side of caution. You have nothing to lose by waiting & much to lose if you act too soon. Try to enjoy this relationship for what it is now, not for what you think it might be in the future This will help you sort out if you really do like this guy enough & if he reciprocates your feelings.
      :-D

    9. TL -*

      “He is fairly shy, so I doubt he will bring it up. I’m going with the assumption that if one of us is going to bring it up, it’ll have to be me.”

      The thing is, it’s only been two dates and you don’t know this about him – he could be really shy but very proactive about important conversations once he’s in a secure relationship. Or find it really easy to bring things up if they’re a specific level of importance.

      I know, even for people I like, I tend to come off as much more laid-back than I am in the first part of the relationship. In reality – that’s not me. I have zero chill. But in the early parts of a relationship (or friendship), I just don’t care enough to invest in conversations like that and it’s often read as me being more laid back/accepting than I actually am.

      1. Star Nursery*

        Agreed! And ‘shy’ doesn’t mean he wouldn’t bring up topics that are important to him!

        I think it sounds like you want reassurance that your relationship will last but at three dates you and he likely don’t know each other well enough to decide. I think you should decide on the lease without considering what might happen with him. And that doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing him if you don’t renew the lease either. In three more months you and he could have gotten to know each other better and decide to continue seeing other. He could decide to move to where you move. At this point it’s too early to know what could happen months from now. Take life a day at a time even when planning for the future.

    10. Triple Anon*

      It’s not either/or. You can bring up the topic without making it an inappropriately heavy conversation for the third date. Just tell him you really like him. Show him that you’re feeling something. In a separate conversation, not too close to that one, mention your living situation and how you’re trying to decide what to do. That leaves room for a follow up conversation, at a time of his choosing, about where this is headed – after he’s had time to think about it. So it’s a sort of back and forth / both people deciding the timing of the conversation sort of thing.

  18. Reba*

    Site question: Alison, I know you have a program to selected the “you may also like” posts, but do you choose the ones for the open threads? At random or do you remember great ones you want to highlight?

    I want to thank you for resurfacing the boy band fan site letter yesterday, and sometime recently the beautiful sentence “I’m frustrated by my office’s constant Nerf gun battles”!

    1. RestlessRenegade*

      The “you may also like” algorithm makes me chortle. A while back the post was about ghosts in the workplace, and one of the recommended posts was “I ghosted my ex,” haha.

      1. Cristina in England*

        I’m pretty sure they’re hand picked, aren’t they? I remember someone asked about that specific example but maybe I remembered the answer wrong.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It varies — the site will pick on its own if I don’t, but I can manually pick. I usually do it for the open thread, since otherwise it wants to pick the exact same three links for the open thread every time (since it’s based on content, and the content of that post never changes).

      1. Kelly*

        So how do you manually pick one? Do you just have a bunch of good ones saved somewhere? :)

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          For regular posts, I’ll search for key words from the post and see what’s related. For the open threads, though, I just pick stuff I liked from the past and want to re-surface. Mostly I go by memory for that.

    3. paul*

      I’m 5 sheets to the wind after a week from hell, and I want to say the nerf gun sentence make sme happy as I’ve been all week

  19. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    2 more months till the wedding—eeek/yay!!

    Pros of marriage less than 1 year after engagement: get planning done, efficient prioritizing

    Cons: cramming cake testing, coordination paperwork AND wedding rings into 1 weekend.

    At same time, volunteer org wanted help today and the dad invited us to his coworkers dinner. I cancelled on them all citing planning, but really—I just needed rest/decompressing/binge-watching, sleep.

    Anybody else do the same? I feel slightly guilty as a people-pleaser but I know if I were to say yes to all, I wouldn’t be rested or sane….

    1. Nashira*

      If you don’t care for yourself, how can you help others?

      Spoiler: you can’t, so taking care of yourself enables you to help others later on.

      1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Jewelry: tomorrow (mainly looking for a plain clumsiness-resistant (lol) band)…
        Coordination paperwork: today (electronic which means I can do crosswords/chill too)
        Cake: red velvet with delicious buttercream and distinctive sugar flowers….cake testing is definitely one of the more fun parts of this crazy process <:)

        1. hermit crab*

          Ooh, that cake sounds fab. Hubs and I had a pretty chill wedding (very little planning needed) and the one thing I regret is not doing any cake tasting! Our cake selection process was like “let’s call Person-We-Know-Who’s-A-Baker and ask if she can make her Cake-We-Know-We-Like on X date.” In retrospect, we should have at least asked her for a few options we could taste and choose from, that would have been fun.

          I hope you get some good relaxing in this weekend!

    3. PN*

      Meeeee! 3 months left until my wedding. I think I’m a little bit in denial. I’m so behind on a whole load of things some of my colleagues think I’m crazy.

      Please keep us updated!

  20. Would I Lie to You?*

    Anyone here a fan of the (British) panel show ‘Would I Lie To You?’?

    Basic premise is: two teams, three members each (the two team captains are regulars), during each round, one team member is presented with a card that has a ‘fact’ about them, and then the other team has to guess (via asking for more details etc.) whether that fact is the truth or a lie. The challenge is to make lies sound true and tell truths as if they’re lies.

    Not sure if that description is enough to convince you of how wildly /hilarious/ some of the episodes are – there are some guests who have done unbelievably ludicrous things, or had unbelievably ludicrous things happen to them. But beyond the actual content of the stories, the way they’re told (and the reaction from the rest of the contestants as well as the host) are a huge part of the humour as well.

    The team captains are comedians Lee Mack and David Mitchell, who in my opinion form one of the best rival/partnerships of any panel show. They’re both obviously intelligent and quick-witted, but their humour ‘styles’ differ in a way that actually balances and compliments one another. The host is Rob Brydon (also a comedian), and while he doesn’t get as into the quizzing/banter he’s a great addition to the show as well.

    Obviously the quality of each episode depends a large part on the quality of the guests, but most of the time it’s a hoot. There’s a compilation video on Youtube (link to follow) that selects some ‘classics’ if you’re interested in giving it a go.

    2. fposte*

      I *love* this show. It is the kind of thing as a child I thought grownup TV would be like all the time.

      It’s such a robust format that it can support the occasional dud guest panelist (athlete or musician, though some of them, like Gareth Malone, have been surprisingly good), and I love that there are returning guests who have their own show reputations, with of course Bob Mortimer being the prime example. I also love that after all these years (and I can’t believe I’ve been watching this show for ten years) subgenres have evolved–the practice of giving Lee stories everybody knows are BS just watch him try to sell them, for instance.

      Rob Brydon gave it all a very different vibe after the departure of Angus Deayton, which made me nervous, but I love that he seems keen to make things *more* chaotic. Special mention also has to go to the editing–they know when to let something like the Kevin Bridges horse story take up a disproportionate amount of time.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, and I actually now remember the colors of the Teletubbies based on Lee’s mnemonic device (with David’s enhancements), so it’s educational as well.

      2. Would I Lie to You?*

        I only started watching after Rob was already on board – the first episode I remember watching was the Kevin Bridges horse story, which I had to keep pausing because I was laughing so much I couldn’t breathe.

        Bob Mortimer (and Greg Davies to a certain extent) have crossed over the that area where they’d read out something completely ridiculous, but the others are like ‘well, it’s him, so that’s completely possible’. Bob’s /way/ of telling stories is a huge part of why he’s a favourite, like he’d say the name of someone (a cat named ‘Good Monson’) that could sound completely ‘normal’ from anyone else but when he says it you just crack up.

        1. fposte*

          I’ve only watched a ittle Vic and Bob stuff in YouTube clips, but after WILTY I kind of feel like what was surreal comedy to their audience was just autobiography to Bob.

          And yes, Greg Davies is another favorite. I do like, though, how every now and then it goes the other way, and nobody believes it because it’s Lee but it turns out to be true.

          From an American standpoint, what I like is the apparent low budget, lack of prizes, and fine good time people appear to be having (save for outliers like Janet Street-Porter, who really didn’t seem to understand where she was). I love humorous camaraderie–that’s one of the charms of The West Wing Weekly podcast for me, too–and the fact that a lot of these people know one another in a small-world kind of way probably enhances it. It’s kind of like a game in your living room with friends if your friends were really, really good at being funny.

      3. Sheep*

        I’ve started watching 8 out of 10 cats, which has much of the same cast. It’s good for bingeing when you are sick and bored!

        1. Incantanto*

          Sooo it sounds weird but 8 out of 10 cats does countdown is amazing and you should watch it.

      4. periwinkle*

        When I’m feeling down, sometimes I’ll watch the horse story. It’s so gloriously surreal – the story itself, the reaction of Kevin’s teammates, David’s increasingly manic interrogation, Rob’s increasingly desperate attempts to advance the story… it’s a thing of beauty.

    3. Rookie Manager*

      I was a latecomer to this. Thought I was over panel shows… but it can be hilarious, as mentioned Bob Mortimer is always brilliant. They all often have me snorting with laughter.

    4. Elkay*

      I think James Acaster and Bob Mortimer are the best guests.

      Do you listen to The Unbelievable Truth that David Mitchell hosts on Radio 4? It’s similar in the way that you have to spot truths among lies.

      1. fposte*

        The James Acaster cabbage story was definitely a series high point! And yes, I really like The Unbelievable Truth as well.

        1. Elkay*

          I just read his book which includes the cabbage story. Apparently he told it on Josh Widdecombe’s radio show when it was happening and got cabbaged by loads of people!

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I prefer The Unbelievable Truth to WILTY. I think I just prefer the format. Although I have to say that cabbage story kills me every time I hear it.

        1. Serious Sam*

          The most memorable episode of The Unbelievable Truth, was when there was an all-female cast of guests, including David Mitchell’s wife Victoria. One guest commented that the dynamic was that of a school-master with an unruly class of girls. Another panelist pointed out that in this case they _knew_ one of them was sleeping with the schoolmaster.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            Ah yes! I remember that episode!

            I think for me it was Richard Osman talking about octopuses (or octopodes, as he pointed out). His little poems were a delight. “While swimming off the coast of Rhodes, I spied a shoal of octopodes.”

    5. HannahS*

      I adore it! The dynamic is fantastically hilarious. My favourite guest has got to be Claudia Winkleman.

    6. KayEss*

      My husband is a huge fan! I don’t like watching things I have to actually pay attention to, so he just shows me the best bits… there was one he watched a while back where the guest was trying to convince everyone that she was afraid of rainbows. I actually went back to him after because I had to know if that was a lie or not. (It was, sadly. But she was quite convincing about it.)

      He used to be a big fan of “Never Mind the Buzzcocks,” too, before it ended. Lately he’s also been watching “What’s My Line?” which was an American panel quiz/comedy show in the 1960s where the panelists ask questions of the guest to try to figure out what their line of work is… with jobs ranging from mailman to cow washer(?) to operator of a carnival skirt-blower machine(???).

    7. arjumand*

      Kevin Bridges: horse story
      Lee Mack: This is Steve, and while we were camping in the Scouts our tent was stolen.
      Anything with David Mitchell, but my favourite is the bucket story (also anytime David goes into one of his ‘genteel rage rants’ is magic).

      These are the things I watch when I need cheering up.

  21. Jess R.*

    I’m having some complicated feelings about my body these days, so! This is a thread to share things you like about your body — how it looks, what it can do, weird birthmarks, cool scars, anything!

    1. Emilie*

      I’m experiencing the first sign of wrinkles, and I am proud to say that they are obviously smile wrinkles! I’ve smiled and laughed enough for it to show on my face, and I think that is a good sign that I surround myself with the right kind of people for me. As long as your body shows signs of the life you have chosen (a bit of a belly, from all the delicious meals you shared with your family, wrinkles from all the laughs you’ve had with friends, or stretchmarks from when you grew an actual proper human being!), I think they should serve as good reminders when you look in the mirror :)

      2. Nic*

        My first wrinkles are smile lines, too! It makes me so happy! A few years ago I’m pretty sure that would *not* have been the case.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I am very much in the same boat, so this will probably be good for me.

      (1) I really like my hair these days. It took forever to grow it out, but it feels much more ‘me’ and I really like the look of it long.

      (2) Cool scars: My appendectomy scar is something of a family legend because it shies away from touch. If anyone tries to touch it, I tense my stomach and it shrinks back, much more so than the skin around it. Very weird and amusing.

      (3) I have chubby little hands and they look a lot like my late grandmother’s hands and I honestly love that. I don’t otherwise resemble her whatsoever but I have Mawmaw’s hands.

      (4) Birthmarks: This one’s a little weird but me and all my siblings have the same birthmark at the base of our skulls. I read somewhere that some cultures believe a birthmark indicates how you died in a past life, and we were joking that the whole family must have been lined up and shot, Mafia-style. And then I remembered that they found the bones of the Romanov children (4 girls, 1 youngest boy, just like us) and they had all been shot in the back of the head. So… yeah, we might be the reincarnated Romanovs. o_O

    3. RestlessRenegade*

      I am slowly losing weight, and liking the way it looks/feels, but I am also trying not to base how I value myself on my appearance, so it’s a hard line to walk for me.

      1. Emilie*

        Does your weightloss make it so that your body can do more things, than before (running further, knees not hurting any more, being strounger, etc.)? Maybe you could use these things instead of just your apperance, since being healthier and more able is pretty much universally awesome!

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          That is a really good point! I have been so focused on my appearance for so long that I forget the other important things my body can do. Thank you.

    4. Little Bean*

      I am in my mid-thirties and my metabolism is changing and I’m realizing that I can’t treat it the way I always have in the past. I used to eat whatever I want and only workout when I felt like it and it was fine. Now, that attitude toward health means I have a little belly. It doesn’t actually bother me that much but it does make a lot of the clothes I own look very unflattering – so I have a closet half full of things I don’t wear, but that I don’t want to get rid of cause I would want to wear them if I just lost a few pounds. The hard part is that my weight overall is not high, it’s just that it seems hard to get rid of the fat in just that one place without a lot of work…

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I’m right there with you. I’m 38 and discovering the weight doesn’t magically disappear like it did when I was 28.

      2. Cristina in England*

        Ugh, same, and I haven’t lost the baby weight from my two year old. I want to lose it in a healthy way without triggering unhealthy eating habits from the past. My plan is to start exercising again when my 2yo starts preschool in September. That will mark about 5.5 years since I gave up my running routine when I was 13 weeks pregnant with my first.

      3. hermit crab*

        Oh, I’m in the same boat and have been thinking about this a lot lately. I just this week decided that I want to get some new clothes instead of trying to lose the weight I’ve gained over the past couple of years. I actually feel great and am healthy as the proverbial horse, but I also feel like I should be fighting harder against “letting myself go” which, ugh, is a gross thing to be feeling.

        On the other hand, I am legitimately psyched about my new gray hairs. I love them and I can’t wait until they are more visible! It’s weird, but I feel like they make me take myself more seriously.

      4. Jules the First*

        We were just talking about this on Friday over coffee…how when we were in our twenties, all our 30-something friends always seemed to be going to the gym or coming from the gym or trying to squeeze in an extra workout or fasting today or watching their weight and we thought they were being precious and obsessing over it because we did none of that and we were fine. And our friends would say “just wait – this will happen to you too!” And we’d laugh and not believe them…

        And now we are the 30-somethings working too hard to be as slender and fit as we were effortlessly in our 20s, marvelling over how much more work it takes to stay the same weight and slowly coming to terms with our rounded bellies and age-related hangovers…

    5. Felicia*

      I really like the color of my eyes and how they look simultaneously blue, green and grey.

      I like how my body is learning how to bellydance which I never thought it could do.

      My boobs are pretty good!

    6. Reba*

      I have a bony chest. No matter what weight I am, you can always see the sternum and some rib. I remember when I was around 22 or so having a chat with my mom about clothes, specifically V-necks (so flattering on nearly anyone!) and she said something about the bony chest and I kind of cut her off to say, “Mom, I actually *like* it how it is!” And I realized that was true.

      I have some decent scars on my arms from the wood shop during my art student days, which I like. I also have some small flat scars from mole removals (which always make me sad, I know they’re growing wrong, but there was one right next to my belly button that was cute! Alas.)

      My finger joints are nubbly from RA–one pinky is particularly special–but I like how they look overall and they still work well. I still type and play piano with them (move it or lose it).

      I’ve gotten back into ballet and yoga recently and I love the way they get me to hold my shoulders with my arms “plugged in” to my back. Feels great and I think my shoulders look nice, too :)

    7. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve surprised myself on the job I’m currently working on by being one of the best shovellers on site. A year or two ago I was actually crying in the bathroom at break because it was too hard. So, yay arms!

    8. Red*

      I like my blue eyes, I like my curly red hair, I like my tattoos, I like my long legs, and I really like my boobs (they just got larger with a change in birth control). I also have a scar on my face that I rather enjoy the look of.

      1. Opulent Octopus*

        If not for the legs I’d have thought I wrote this! :) I love my facial scar, but everyone I’ve told that to thinks I’m a weirdo.

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      I love my hair. I work hard to take care of it and I visit the salon every eight weeks. I also used to be a hair model so I’m a bit vain about it.

      However, I gained about 5 lbs over this past winter. I’m only 5’2” so it’s pretty obvious. The winter here has been so cold and snowy that exercising has been challenging. I’m so so ready for spring because I feel bad about my tummy :(

      1. Overeducated*

        Me too to your last paragraph! I’ve also been sick so much this winter that exercising was an extra thing I couldn’t bring myself to do. I am so looking forward to being able to bike to work more as it warms up.

        As for things I like about my body, I guess I just like that it’s my way of getting through the world. I like eating, seeing, walking, and so on.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Whatever plagues were going around this winter, I caught them all! It made motivating myself to even just go to yoga really tough. I’m going to Europe in three weeks and I’ll be doing a lot of walking so I’m hoping that’ll jump start my exercise engine again.

    10. Parenthetically*

      I LOVE my thighs. They are thick and strong and jiggly. They’re wonderful. I also have a really pretty birthmark on my left cheek that I’ve always loved. When I was about 14 someone “helpfully” suggested I could have it removed and I was SO OFFENDED. Like… no? I love it? Thank you?

      1. Marillenbaum*

        Speaking of thighs (it sounds like mine are like yours), have you heard the Miss Eaves song “Thunder Thighs”? It has a delightful music video, and I love how it celebrates a part of my body it took me a long time to love.

    11. Cristina in England*

      I have a coffee-stain birthmark on my left shin. It’s a 3 inch long, 1.5 inch wide oval. I forget about it sometimes because I don’t wear short things very often. There is a chicken pox scar just next to it, but that’s the only noticeable scar I have so I feel like my left shin gets all the excitement and nothing interesting is happening anywhere else.

    12. Marillenbaum*

      I have my first gray hair–I’ve named her Lucille. I have a tattoo on my left collarbone that makes me smile every time I see it (in part because my mom HATES it but tries to be supportive). I can pop my arms out of their sockets at will, and I’ve always been pretty flexible.

    13. Temporarily Anonymous*

      This may be an atypical one:
      I really like my body hair -particularly my leg hair- especially when I let it grow out to its full length (it’s very thick and long compared to many women). It gets really soft to touch and then if I walk around with bare legs* I can feel it move in the breeze. It kind of feels like I gain an extra sensory ability like having antennae or whiskers, lol.

      *Since there is still such ridiculous societal judgement of women’s natural bodies I’m not comfortable doing this in public (I don’t have the emotional bandwidth at this point in my life to deal with all the mean comments and judgey looks), so sadly I only get to enjoy my leg fur in winter at home.

      Also I really like my eyes which are hazel but not really if you look closely. Actually the irises have a dark charcoal grey ring around the edge, then moss green, and then a multi-pointed star shape surrounding the pupil that is reddish-brown (almost exactly the burnt sienna oil paint colour). They look different colours on different days depending on lighting and what I wear.

      I love that my legs are strong and have stamina even though I don’t have a particularly muscular or athletic body type.

      1. anonymous for this too*

        Me too on the leg hair. I grow it out every winter, and it’s like a little forest. But I love wearing skirts and can’t deal with the judgment, so I’ll wax it all in a month or so.

    14. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I have a mole at the bottom of my neck (and have had it since I was born without it changing and it’s been checked by a dermatologist and it’s totally fine) that I really like for some reason.

    15. Dr. KMnO4*

      I love my short haircut. I love my green eyes and slightly tanned skin (I don’t visit tanning salons, it’s just naturally tan). I love that I can pick up things with my toes. I love that I can wiggle my right ear. Even though it stems from an old injury (a softball between my ring finger and pinky) I love that I can spread the fingers of my left hand very wide because it helps me play the double bass.

    16. The New Wanderer*

      I really like my skin. I rarely get blemishes (yay genetics!).
      I like that I can jog about three miles at a time, since there was a long period of time where I was very out of shape (no reason, just lazy). I like that I have great balance and can do most yoga poses well, barring the ones involving hamstrings or arching my back.
      My favorite feature is my green eyes, and it makes me happy that my kids desperately want to have the same eye color as me (one almost does, the other might someday) even though their eyes are beautiful as they are. Second favorite is my hair. It can be a love hate thing, but on a good hair day I feel so confident.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I love my hair. It’s getting very long, and I love being blonde. Sometimes I think wistfully of going back to auburn, but then I remember how annoying it was to touch up every two weeks, and that feeling goes away, LOL. I might try a bronde with highlights at some point. But I absolutely refuse to cut it just because I’m older. Eff that. If I live that long, Ima be the old lady with long-ass hair.

      That’s about it right now. I gained back some of the weight I lost, when the weather was too wet/cold to walk, and I’m not super happy about it.

    18. SAHM*

      Well, I just hit 34 weeks pregnant so right now I’m kinda impressed with my belly. Also, that I need to be a bit more careful about parking too close to other cars/things bc I can no longer squeeze out of my car as efficiently.
      Cool scars? I have one on my pinky from hopping a barbed wire fence when I was a kid. I have one on my wrist from sliding down a hill on a large piece of cardboard as a kid and got a stick up my arm.
      And of course my stretch marks which I call “war wounds” to my kids. Lol.

    19. Lady Jay*

      I also have very mixed feelings about my body. I carry more weight on my belly than women of a similar size/height/shape, which is frustrating to me, but women in my family have always carried our weight there. Still, I hate feeling that cold belt buckle press into my belly, especially since I’ve gained a little weight in the last year or so.

      On the other hand, the weight gain means I have nicer arms. :)

      On the other

    20. anonagain*

      The whole being alive thing is a pretty big one for me.

      That, and my tolerance for spicy food.

    21. paul*

      Likes:

      I’ve got damn strong shoulders; my OHP hovers around 230 which isn’t bad.

      I’ve got a high pain threshold.

      I think my face is more or less handsome, barring some scars.

      Dislikes:

      My joints suck. My knees and hips and shoulders hurt pretty much all the time.

      I’ve got a ton of scars: my belly, my arms, some on my face. Some on my legs. I carved “hate me” into my thighs at one point; that’s never going to fade. My kids have already noticed some of them.

      I tend towards fat, absurdly so (staying under 300 is work).

      My eye sight sucks.

      1. TL -*

        I have finally admitted my high pain threshold is veering into the dangerous side – I am not taking care of things in a timely enough manner because things that should be extremely painful are coming off as mildly unpleasant.

    22. Betsy*

      I build muscle very easily. I just started back at the gym and yoga and haven’t been back to that many sessions at all yet, but can see my muscles developing again already. Some yoga positions require a lot of strength (as opposed to those that mostly require a lot of flexibility) and I can go into those positions confidently.

    23. Claire (Scotland)*

      I like my hair. I like my smooth skin. I like the curves of my boobs to waist to hips, and the curves of my legs. I like my blue eyes and how they look grey at times. I like how strong my arms are. I like that my body can walk for miles. I like the way my nails look when I paint them. I like the tiny scar at my hairline, and the bigger one on my knee, that I got falling off my BMX as a kid. I like my long eyelashes.

    24. Nic*

      My wrists remind me of my mom. A LOT. It sounds strange to say that, but it’s true. I look at my hands and it’s her wrists they’re attached to. It makes me really happy knowing we have that connection.

      I have a scar on my shoulder from getting my only birthmark taken off. I was sad when it happened, but it was changing shape and we needed to check it for cancer. The scar looks like a small round hole, and we call it my bullet wound now.

    25. Molly*

      My back is slightly more s-shaped than most people so my stomach and behind juts more out than usual and there’s a small “resting place” on my lower back. I love resting my wrists there when I’m in the shower enjoying the warmth. It reminds me of a cat’s hips, just being soft and warm and content.

      My eyes look green when I’m wearing green colours, blue with blue and grey with grey. It’s cool but I always have trouble discerning their real colour because it is just a lot of dark colours save brown.

    26. extra anon for this*

      I’ve started taking actual material steps towards transitioning and for the first time in my life I actually like parts of my body. For so long I thought there was something fundamentally broken about me because I couldn’t understand why anybody would feel anything other than mild distaste towards having a body, but I’m discovering that I actually LIKE being in here.

      1. Natalie*

        That is so awesome for you! May your physical transition process continue to be fulfilling and affirming. :)

    27. J.B.*

      I am stronger than I have ever been and have a belly. I don’t love the belly but feel really healthy and happy overall.

  22. Emilie*

    I have a personal problem, that I’d like som input on. It’s not ruining my life, but it has me speculating quite a bit.

    I’m a European university student in my mid twenties, in a friend group of people between 20 and 30 (it’s pretty common to be a bit older at university where I live, than the average American college student). One of these people is my boyfriend of two years, whom I live with. We know each other very well among the group of friends, and it’s not uncommon to show physical affection towards each other (hugs, a kiss on the cheek, a shoulder massage if someone asks for one, etc.).

    We were all at a party at the university last night, and I was talking to one of the others, Peter, who was pretty drunk (which I wasn’t). Suddenly, pretty much out of left field, he said something along the lines of “… And sometimes I don’t understand why Matthew is your boyfriend. I mean, sometimes I think that I should be your boyfriend”. I had no idea how to respond, and resorted to joking about how one of the others, Jenna, also wanted to move in with me, since she thought I was such a good cook, and then changed the subject to something completely unrelated.

    The thing is… I’m pretty sure he meant it. It puts things he has said and done in the past (things I interpreted as just being extra caring), in a pretty different light, and I have no idea how to proceed from here. He’s a great friend, but I have no interest in him romantically.

    He’s a lot closer with my boyfriend than with me, and I’m not sure what to do now.

    Do I talk to my boyfriend about it? He would be very understanding, I’m sure, but I’d like to offer up a solution as to what “to do”, if I involve him (I don’t want him to be feeling unnecessarily akward about things).

    Do I talk to Peter about it? I’m afraid that he’ll just pass it off as a drunken joke gone wrong, or maybe embarrassing him.

    Do I just leave it, and try to keep a bit of distance?

    I’m not really uncomfortable about the whole thing, but I’d like to set up som boundaries that makes it clear, that I have no interest in being anything else than friends, to avoid this potentially blowing up. I don’t initiate the hugs/kisses on cheeks/etc., and never have, but I feel like I have to find a way to withdraw from it when Peter initiates it, since it just feels like leading him on in a way.

    Any good ideas?

    1. Anona*

      Since you didn’t do it in the moment, next time you see Peter (or even by text), I’d say something along the lines of “I’m not sure if you were joking the other night when you said you wanted to be my boyfriend, but I have no interest in being anything other than friends.”

      I’d be really clear and direct. It’s kinder that way. If he keeps pushing boundaries after that, i’d limit contact.

      Regarding telling your boyfriend, I’d tell him, but let him know that you’re handling it, and are telling him for transparency’s sake.

      1. Anona*

        And he may feel awkward- but if he says stuff like that, he already created the awkward situation!

      2. Emilie*

        I’m sorry if it came off a bit messy, but the one I’d spare the akwardness is my boyfriend – not Peter (I very much agree, that he himself created the akwardness!). English is my second language, so sometimes I’m not as clear as I could be.

        I’ve tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t have to talk to him, but I guess you’re right about being clear and direct being the kindest way. And I do want to be as kind about it as the situation let’s me.

        1. neverjaunty*

          It’s already awkward thanks to Mr. Drinky there. Clarity and kindness is the best way to hand it back.

    2. WellRed*

      Frankly, I would leave it. He was pretty drunk and while I agree it was probably truthful, I don’t see what good could come from talking to him or telling your boyfriend. I mean, if you did either, what outcome would you be looking for?

    3. StudentA*

      I am not sure what good could come out of bringing it up. He was drunk. He may not even remember it. Even if he has some affection towards you, he has had the sense to keep it to himself. It might potentially be very humiliating and awkward to bring it up – and again, I don’t see how that would help things.

      Let sleeping dogs lie. He knows you’re unavailable. If he ever does bring it up in a straightforward way, then you can address it.

    4. Reba*

      I don’t think there’s anything to do, necessarily.

      I firmly do not think that being a friend and acting in normal friendly ways is leading anyone on. Withdraw or cool the friendship if that feels better *to you*–don’t try to manage his feelings (that he hasn’t even presented to you sober!).

      2. Lissa*

        Yup, this would be my opinion too! How do *you* feel about it? Does he make you uncomfortable in small ways? Then I think it’s totally reasonable to pull back and loop in your boyfriend. Or do you think it was a joke that landed wrong because there was drunken truth to it, but he’s normally fine? If so then I think it’s also reasonable to keep being his friend and act like it never happened. Don’t worry about leading him on or anything like that, if he has a crush he *knows* it isn’t going anywhere and it’s on him to manage.

        I don’t see any good about confronting him about it or telling him nothing will ever happen. He’d probably just say he doesn’t remember or that it was a joke anyway. I would keep an eye out for any escalating weird comments though.

        1. Emilie*

          It has happened once or twice that he’s made me uncomfortable by something he has done. These are things that I’ve just sort of excused it as accidents or misunderstandings, but in the light of his recent drunken confession, were clearly not things that happened accidentally. But on a day to day basis he has always acted in a way, that I would expect from any friend in this specific friendgroup.

          But it feels like I’ve been let in on a secret, that I wasn’t supposed to know about. And I think it’ll naturally lead me to keep a bit of distance (both physically and emotionally). Honestly, I wish he would have just kept his mouth shut, so I wouldn’t have to think all these thoughts about this. But on the other hand I don’t want to shame him for the way he’s feeling, since people can’t exactly control this sort of thing.

          I think keeping an eye out for escalating weirdness is probably a good idea. And I guess I can be pretty straight forward about the boundaries of our friendship, without directly confronting him.

          It has been really nice getting some input from other people. Having a bit of help in sorting through how I actually feel about all of this have helped me out quite a bit!

  23. Anon for this*

    Any other asexual people here that could help me out?

    I’m a 36 year old woman who has identified as asexual for around 6 years now. I’ve only been in 3 romantic relationships (partly due to lack of interest throughout my 20’s), and none of these relationships lasted more than about 18 months. I’ve always had a great deal of difficulty in communicating my needs as an asexual in a relationship (none of the guys I dated were asexual), and also none of them were particularly a good match for me in other ways. Be that as it may, I’m feeling rather disheartened by the whole world of dating right now.

    Any advice on how I can find someone better suited to my needs? I’ve had no luck when I’ve looked for an asexual partner locally – I’ve tried asexual meetups for my area, online dating sites for asexuals (these have very little activity, so basically useless), and changing my orientation to asexual on OKCupid. I realize that only 1 to 3 percent of the population identifies as asexual, so the pool is quite small – but then whenever I try dating other people we can’t seem to get past the major problem of “I really don’t want to have sex or fool around with you, ever – no it’s not your fault, it’s just how I am.”

    My other problem is that I’m used to be alone, and I’m quite introverted. Every time I’m in a relationship I eventually feel like I’m not getting enough time to myself, and it’s almost a relief when we eventually break up. But then after a while I start to feel lonely again. So I honestly don’t know if I even want to be in a relationship or not.

    I realize that it’s possible to be single and be happy, and honestly I have a pretty good life. But this is something that I keep struggling with, and I’d appreciate some feedback.

    1. KatieKate*

      Fellow asexual here. No advice because I haven’t figure it out yet, but hopefully we can get some advice~

    2. Canadian Natasha*

      Another fellow asexual here. Sorry I also don’t have any advice, just sympathy. (I’m aromantic as well as asexual so not in the least bit interested in those kinds of relationships)

    3. Also anon for this*

      I’m not asexual but from the definitions, I probably fall between “very low sex drive” and “demisexual,” meaning most of the time I’m not interested in intimacy but I can be in certain circumstances. Most of my relationships had been with guys on the lower end of the drive, and even that was challenging. Moreso because I didn’t have the words, or the courage, to say that I liked them a lot but I’m not interested in more physical stuff and would be even happier with less.

      By complete coincidence (meaning, we never really talked/talk about it), I found someone exactly like me via online dating (match). Because we didn’t talk about it, it led to some conflicting expectations but over the years we’ve settled into a pattern that works for us. Actually it was that whole process that made me realize what was going on: neither of us has a “problem” or lack of interest in the other specifically, we’re just fundamentally low on the scale in general.

      Honestly I’m not sure there is a good solution. If it hadn’t worked out with my now-husband, I’d probably be skimming the dating sites and going to more group activities like meetups or hobby classes. I wish there was a site for best friend-matching, not just dating.

    4. Alex*

      Fellow asexual here, with no great advice.

      I’ve honestly never met another asexual person in person. It’s very lonely. I’m still figuring it all out too, and I’m also 36.

      You’re probably way ahead of me. I’ve never even dated anyone, ever. There’s almost no one I’d like to date and usually I’m 100% cool with not having a partner.

      But occasionally, there will be someone that comes into my life that I totally fall for. But I feel that they are off limits, because OF COURSE they will want to have sex, and OF COURSE I don’t. (There’s someone in my life like this right now, and it’s so tough!)

      But the likelihood of someone who is also asexual being a person I fall for is SO statistically small that it feels like it can never happen. It’s hard.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      This doesn’t sound like an orientation related quandary. It sounds more like “I want to be alone and I don’t want to be alone” quandary. I am picking up on “it’s almost a relief when we eventually break up”. Perhaps you would like companionship/friendships over dating? These types of relationships could work into having a friend or two that you can call when your car breaks down or go have dinner with once in a while, etc. Maybe that is more what you are looking for at the moment? Maybe you’d like to take some down time from dating?

      OTH, you could think about the times you have dated and what you were looking for when you started seeing each other.

    6. AceAnon*

      Yet another introverted asexual here. I was in my mid-40s before asexuality even started to be considered as something other than a mental illness. I don’t have any immediate advice. All I know is that as I became older, the lack of a partner mattered less and less. (Yet, I’m a sucker for rom coms, go figure.) Friends, and group activities are all I want or need now.
      Wishing you well.

    7. Flowers r cool*

      Another fellow asexual here, no advice, but you have my sympathy.

      It’s hard to be frank about my sexuality even to friends let alone romantic partners, so you are a little ahead of me.

    8. Jules the First*

      Can I just say how lovely it is to know that there’s, like, half a dozen other people here who feel the same way about this?

      It’s so very rare that we meet each other spontaneously, but it’s nice to know y’all are out there…

      (I wish I had solutions to the dating-but-not-dating thing but I don’t…I kind of just fall into the “not dating” category)

    10. AnonGirlNow*

      I am on the graysexual spectrum. I wish I had an answer to your question. I have had different amounts of luck with different partners. All that has worked for me relatively well is honesty. I would love to read, maybe on a thread next weekend, how you all have had come to terms with being a/demi as it’s been a struggle for me.

      1. Alex*

        I think it is probably a struggle for most of us. I’m still not quite sure where I am with it.

        I think that I may actually be asexual/demiromantic/same-sex oriented. It’s been a long journey to get to this realization and has meant I have not ever dated anyone. At 36 years old, finding another asexual/demiromantic/same-sex person I’m into who is also into me seems like a needle in a haystack. I don’t even know where to look. Major introversion makes it all the harder. I have a hard time even making regular friends, let alone…whatever it is I’m looking for!

        But I think one of the hardest parts, as is kind of demonstrated in this thread, is that I feel so invisible. It’s not like you can “come out” in any easy way without getting into some VERY personal stuff. Most people don’t even know what ace/demi/gray even is. And a lot of the time, when I am explicit with people, they don’t even believe me. “Oh, you’re just gay and don’t want to REALLY come out,” or “You’ll come around,” is more common than anything else. It’s really hurtful, especially when this stuff comes from people you think of as friends.

    11. Emily*

      I honestly don’t know (I’m on the ace spectrum, but will do some sex stuff sometimes and have reached a sometimes-frustrating middle ground with my non-ace boyfriend of many years), but I hear you and sympathize. If I ever break up with my partner, I’m not sure how I’ll approach a new relationship. I could be wrong, but I kind of assume that for most people, the lack of sex isn’t gonna be worth it for someone they’re not that invested in yet? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      As to the being alone part of your question, maybe you could cultivate a slightly more active social life, work to deepen some of your friendships, or pursue a hobby that puts you around other people? There might be ways to alleviate some of your loneliness without entering into a romantic relationship.

  24. Super Duper Anon*

    Going Super Duper Anonymous for this: hemorrhoids. I’ve had them for about a week now (hard to tell how many, but it feels like at least two). I’m using Prep H and some prescription hydrocortisone that was prescribed by my doc for another reason. It seems like topical solutions basically help the symptoms but don’t actually treat the hemorrhoids themselves, and that I’m just supposed to wait for them to disappear. Is that so, and how long should I expect to have them? Or is there something else I can be doing to get rid of these? The topical solutions help with the itching and uncomfortableness to a large degree, but I can’t help but think there’s something else other than WAIT to help them along their merry way.

    1. Anona*

      Tucks pads are awesome. I have them in a canister, but they’re probably sold other ways too. They have witch hazel and i’ve found they’re both good for relief, and if you use them as kind of something you hold/keep on the hemorrhoid (for a few minutes, either after a bowel movement or after getting out of the shower)it seems to help with the swelling.

    2. Also Anon*

      Have you actually gone to the doctor and been checked out? Sometimes what feels likes hemorrhoids can be something else, like a thrombosis. The treatments aren’t exactly the same. I know it’s embarrassing, but it’s better to really know what you’re dealing with.

      1. Super Duper Anon*

        That’s good to know. No, I haven’t been to a doctor yet. This is my first experience with this, so I guess I’d prefer to try over the counter treatments first to see if that works. I pay 100% out of pocket when I visit my doctor until I hit my deductible, so I’d like to try a few things and see if they work before going in to the doc — but that said, I’ll certain do it if things don’t clear up in a few weeks.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          If they’re chronically thrombosed, they may have to be removed. What helped me was adding more fiber to my diet and making sure I drank enough water to move things along; straining while on the toilet can male them worse.

          I had both external and internal ones removed and it was not fun, especially the internal. So I’m very motivated to make sure they don’t return to that level again.

    3. Anonymous_Advice*

      I have had hydrocortisone suppositories prescribed to me in the past for this purpose, after having a physical exam conducted by a medical professional. It does help somewhat; though mine have been a recurrent problem for so long that my Dr. advised me to consider surgical banding at some point in the future.

    4. Anonroids*

      WATER. Drink TONS of it. And lavender essential oil diluted in coconut oil.

      Signed, a lady who has been pregnant, thanks kid. ;)

      1. Super Duper Anon*

        Can I ask what I’m supposed to do with the lavender oil diluted in coconut oil? I have both. Do I apply topically, sniff it, something else?

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Do you have any reason to think the hemorrhoids could be caused by liver disease? Are you obese? Hep C positive? Excessive alcohol intake? If so, I would see your doc.

      If chronic constipation or prolonged sitting are your issues, work in fiber/stool softeners and exercise like walking.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        If constipation is a problem, organic apple juice NOT from concentrate works like you would not believe. (I am referring to drinking the juice, if that was not apparent here.) You can cut it in half with water if you want to stretch your money, you will still have the same results.

      2. Super Duper Anon*

        Thankfully, none of those. Not overweight, no hep C, and in recovery so stopped drinking several years ago. I *have* had constipation that seemed to come on during two rounds of antibiotics (finished those about 10 days ago) so I think that could be part of it. Pooping is returning to normal but the hemorrhoids could def be leftover from the constipation that turned up while I was on antibiotics.

        1. AnonTOOCauseYIKES*

          Antibiotics also caused this for me a few months ago.

          It took me quite a long time to get rid of it even after the constipation was gone (about three months before it stopped flaring up altogether, although in between that time there were some days when it was OK). Sorry you’re going through it! Witch hazel was my friend.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Also warm (not hot) baths can provide some relief. I basically did just what your doing, plus the wipes some else mentioned. It took about 2 weeks in my case, but it did start to feel better after a week or so.

    7. Ron McDon*

      I’ve had haemorrhoids a couple of times over the years.

      The Anusol/Preparation H type creams help with the discomfort/ache, but I’ve usually found they just shrink gradually with no further intervention. It usually takes a couple of weeks, I think? If they get really painful, much larger, or don’t start going down after about a fortnight, I would see your doctor.

      They’re usually a sign that I need to drink more water, or that I’ve been a bit run-down and unwell.

    8. Odelie*

      Sitz baths are good. This is what I do. Otherwise as others have said (wrote?), tuck pads, preparation H wipes, and getting up, moving around.

    9. Elizabeth H.*

      You really do just have to wait. They will go away!
      This is my favorite pro tip: get a bunch of cotton pads (like for removing nail polish or makeup), a bottle of witch hazel, and some kind of container (like a tupperware or something). Put the cotton pads in bottom of container, soak in witch hazel, put a piece of tin foil over, repeat with new cotton pads etc. until you have a couple layers of witch-hazel soaked cotton pads. Then freeze! After frozen, put a couple in your underwear over affected area and sit on an ice pack or bag of frozen vegetables (on top of a towel or something probably). Repeat. After frozen you can just wrap the cotton pads in tin foil and keep in your freezer for a flare up. You could also do this with your underwear itself or a washcloth or something but I like the disposable nature of cotton pads!

  25. going anon I guess*

    I’ve been really annoyed lately at how many events are financially geared towards couples and then charge a higher price or an extra fee for a single ticket. I wanted to buy tickets for an exclusive event and the tickets were $100 total for a couple, but $125 for a single ticket.

    And don’t even get me started on how international travel deals charge exorbitant fees if you want to travel solo. Most of the travel sites out there have great deals….but only if you’re book a room with someone. So, if you want a 9 day trip to Europe, each of you pays $1500, but if you’re traveling solo it’s $1,500 + at least $500 (sometimes it’s as much as 50-75% of the base price as a solo fee). And NONE of these travel groups I’ve encountered will match up solo travelers to share rooms. They just charge you a ridiculously high fee. I can’t find any solo traveling groups that AREN’T single/dating groups as well, which also really sucks because I just want the benefit of buying a solo ticket without having to join a dating group or be charged 50% of the ticket price as a “solo fee”.

    It’s sucks and I’m annoyed and tired of feeling like I’m being punished because I don’t have (or want) anyone in my life to share these things with. I already feel like society punishes single people, but this is pretty much the last straw for me.

    1. going anon I guess*

      oops, there was no reason to go anon for this, but I didn’t realize that the last time I posted, I was apparently anon. Guess I’ll stick with the anon handle for this post lol

    2. Fiennes*

      I HATE that. Like, how are you losing money on the hotel room if there’s one person in it instead of 2? I was single for a long time, and am now partnered with someone who doesn’t like to travel as much as I do, and it’s pricing like this that has discouraged me from using any kinds of tours or packages. Solo travelers get the best deal doing their own planning.

      1. going anon I guess*

        Right??? It’s so annoying!

        I’ve given up on a lot of international travel because planning it myself is way more expensive than some of these tours, but I also hate that they’re charging $500+ solo fees. I wouldn’t even mind sharing a room with a stranger if it meant no solo fee, but that’s never an option.

      2. Colette*

        Well, the hotel room is an issue – if it costs $100, that’s $50 each for 2 people but one person has to pay the whole thing. (And most hotel rooms are more than that). I mean, I agree it’s annoying to pay more as a single person but hotel rooms are the one place it makes sense.

        1. Lily Evans*

          There are some hotels, though, where they have separate prices for the same room, depending on how many people are staying in it, but it’s not a flat per-person fee. Like if a solo traveler is staying in a double room it’s $150, but if two people are staying in the room it’s $200. So the solo traveler is still paying more, assuming the pair is splitting the cost.

          1. Cristina in England*

            Yeah I never came across that until I moved to the UK. I don’t like the PP (per person) charges at all. Either the room is occupied or not! It would make more sense for B&Bs to just charge separately for breakfast, if that’s what it’s about.

            1. Lily Evans*

              The only reasoning I could come up with is that a second person might use slightly more electricity/water, but I can’t imagine it would be all that much of a difference.

              1. Cristina in England*

                It doesn’t add up, even if you include a full English breakfast on top of your electricity, water, and towels. Unless they’re counting on people using the hotel bar? I must not be the target guest if that’s the thinking though because I have never had drinks in a hotel bar that weren’t free with a voucher.

          2. Thlayli*

            The hotel is getting less though, so they are actually giving a discount to the solo traveller. If they jut had a flat rate for the room a solo traveller would have to pay twice as much as each member of a couple.

    3. WellRed*

      My pet peeve is cell phone plans. Get an additional 5 lines for $10 each! I don’t want 5 more lines, I want a less expensive monthly plan for little old me and my single line.

    4. Anna*

      I don’t understand – it’s actually cheaper in total to book for two? (The $100 vs $125 tickets). Not just cheaper per person? If that’s the case what’s stopping people just booking for two and then say ‘oops the other person couldn’t come’?

      1. going anon I guess*

        I shouldn’t have to buy two tickets to get a better deal, and neither should anyone else. For travel, you can’t really buy the two person deal and just say they can’t come, and for a non-travel event, I’d feel guilty buying two tickets and taking the place of someone else who might have wanted to attend.

    5. Irish Em*

      It really bugs me, I’m booking a solo holiday and even within Europe it’s like you either put up with the room that’s smaller than my wardrobe or pay more for a double-room-for-single-use and argh.

      I will say, I’ve had success with The Travel Department (they have .ie and .co.uk sites) because they do gear several tours toward Solo Friendly travel, so it might be worth taking a look, and seeing if they have any that you like the look of. It doesn’t stop the pain of getting to Ireland or the UK to meet up with them, but it does mean the hefty single supplement isn’t part of your holiday.

    6. fposte*

      Huh; I’ve encountered the travel surcharge per room thing you mention in your second paragraph, which is annoying but to me understandable from a business standpoint, since a couple in a room makes them more money ($3000) than a single in that room ($1500). I haven’t encountered the first situation you mention, though, where it’s $50 per person for a couple but $125 for a single–that’s really nasty! It sounds like something Ticketmaster would try to do.

      I don’t enjoy bearing the brunt of it, but as long as I can see the clear business reason for the policy I’m not going to take it personally. In the first paragraph situation, I don’t see the clear business reason for the policy.

    7. Lily Evans*

      I feel this. As someone single who loves traveling and going to events it’s so annoying!

      For travel companies, have you heard of Intrepid Travel? They don’t have single supplements, they pair you up with someone of the same gender to share (unless you choose to pay for your own room). They also have trips just for people traveling solo. I haven’t traveled with them, but I’ve heard really great things.

        1. Patsy Stone*

          Explore also does this…pair you up with a solo traveler of the same sex at no extra charge. They have a lot of amazing trips all over the world!

        2. Jojobean*

          G Adventures is very similar to Intrepid and they do the same thing – pair you with a roommate for the trip so you’re not stuck paying for the full room yourself.

    8. Little Bean*

      If it’s something like a cruise, I’d guess it’s because they make all of their money on alcohol and activities and people shopping on the ship, not on the rooms, so it’s more fiscally to their advantage to have as many people on the ship as possible. I don’t know if that would apply to a tour as well. Just guessing here…

      1. going anon I guess*

        Most of these aren’t cruises. They’re either trips with guided tours or trips where the tour group does the travel accommodations and sets up any exhibit/excursion/reservation or leaves you to do whatever you want for the rest of the day. So, a couple versus a solo person going on a museum tour doesn’t really make a difference since the cost would be the same per person.

        1. fposte*

          It still does when you’re calculating your personnel and equipment costs, though. Very crudely speaking, if it costs your agency $50k to set up your group tour, getting two people in a room is a profit maximizer; they’ll make more money from 24 people in 12 rooms than 24 people in 24 rooms.

        2. Undine*

          I assume it’s primarily the hotels that drive up the cost. I just went on a tour & paid the single supplement (I did have the option to have a shared room), and I had the same room I would have had if there was two of me. Most hotels, at any level, don’t have a lot of single rooms, and they charge by the room, not the person. They charge the tour the tour turns around and charges you that (plus some percentage). So if you are taking a room they could give to two people, you pay for a room for two people. But the excursions/guides/etc., you only pay one person’s share. That’s why you don’t pay twice as much overall.

          There were two women on my tour who took the shared room option, and it seemed to work out for them, but it also means you have a roommate who might be up all night running to the toilet, or whatever. (One of them ate something that disagreed with her.)

          1. going anon I guess*

            A lot of the tours I can afford don’t have a shared room option, which is where I’m running into an issue. I’d have no problem rooming with a stranger, but when I’ve asked, it’s buy as a couple or pay a solo fee without an option to room with a stranger.

            1. AcademiaNut*

              Are there any resources on line for finding people who would be the other half of your ‘couple’ for a trip? Someone else single who is interested in the same trip. Although there’d be a good chance you’d end up sharing a bed, not just a room.

              Solo travel is also an option. You don’t have someone to split room costs with, but you can compensate by picking more affordable hotels. You can then hook up with day trips in various locations, if you want to do some part of it with other people.

    9. neverjaunty*

      They aren’t giving a discount AT you or as a moral judgment on your relationship status. It’s entirely financial. They’ve determined that they will make more money by offering a discount for couples (encouraging them to go) than by having no discount (meaning some couples will pass it up entirely as too expensive.

    10. Middle School Teacher*

      Oh my god YES. I like to travel, my money is as good as any married person’s.

      You’re right, society does kind of punish single people in that way.

    11. Undine*

      If you want to find out more about how society penalizes singles, google “Bella DePaulo singlism”. I don’t agree with evreything she says (and I hate the word, which should be couplism), but she’s counted up the cost of being single in the U.S., and it’s huge.

    12. Casuan*

      Wo. It’s so good to know there are other happily single people out there!!

      I get frustrated with this, too. For travelling, I don’t expect a hotel room to be less expensive for a single than a double. It’s ridiculous to have an upcharge for a single ticket.

      The markets affect me the most, especially the “2 for $3 or $1,89 each” type pricings. Augh!!

      1. going anon I guess*

        Traveling isn’t even the only place I’ve encountered this, but it’s my current annoyance since I’m trying to plan a vacation.

        But it’s things like 2 for 1 restaurant deals where an expensive restaurant has a deal for couples to encourage them to dine at an affordable price or discounted couple tickets for an event, but you’re out of luck if you want to go there on your own. I’ve seen enough events or deals where it says two people have to be present and one person can’t take advantage of the deal themselves.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          THIS.
          When I joined the PBS monthly pledge thing, so I could binge shows on their website, they sent me this big book of thank-you coupons to restaurants, etc. Nearly every single offer was buy one, get one. The coupons were useless to me. I love Alamo Drafthouse, but they do the same thing–“Here’s your Victory reward! Buy one insanely overpriced shake and get another one free!” And you have to do it on one visit. I can’t drink two shakes, or eat two meals, at the same time. I can never get anyone to go anywhere with me because everybody has a family. :(

          I was so bummed about it I actually called them and nicely said they might want to consider that some of their patrons don’t have anyone with whom to share the offers. The PBS lady felt so badly for me that she started crying and I had to comfort her! It turned out she was upset about something personal, but she said she hadn’t thought about that, and she would recommend to them that they include some offers singletons can use as well.

          1. going anon I guess*

            Exactly. It’s super annoying.

            A few years ago, instead of a wedding a friend and her fiance had a small event that included a winery tasting, vineyard tour, and four course meal for a small group of close friends. Except, I was the only single person and the tasting and meal could only be booked in doubles, so if I wanted to go, I essentially had to pay for a second plate and tasting, and had to pay double what everyone else paid just because there was no single ticket option. And it was pricey. A little over $400.

            It sucked, but it sucked more than no one understood why I was so unhappy about it (one of her fiance’s friends said that was the price I paid for being single, which still annoys me to this day). There’s no reason I can think of why you need to buy two tickets to be involved in a wine tasting or meal.

            1. Fiennes*

              Fiancé’s friend is an ASS. And that’s inconsiderate at every level on both the couple’s part and the organizers.

                1. Casuan*

                  So very Totally. Gah.

                  How could the event not have been arranged for an odd number of people? I mean, it was a special event.
                  The price one pays for being single…?!? That friend was definitely an ass.

                  Elizabeth, yup re coupons, tho I don’t see the problem with two shakes if one has a freezer… ;-D

                2. Elizabeth West*

                  @Casuan — Well a shake won’t keep if you buy it during a movie. And do I really NEED two shakes? No, I don’t, LOL.

                  It’s not the shake; it’s the casual exclusion of the single person from any of these promotions. Like we don’t even exist.

                3. Casuan*

                  Yeah. I definitely don’t need two shakes…

                  …it’s the casual exclusion of the single person from any of these promotions. Like we don’t even exist.

                  This is it precisely!!

    13. Thursday Next*

      That is some weird math! I’d understand if it was $125 for an individual or 2for $200 (and therefore $100 each). But charging less in total for more people seems…strange. Why wouldn’t you pay the $100 for yourself then?

      1. Thursday Next*

        If it irks you to think of it as buying two tickets, perhaps think of it as buying “admission”? Similarly, for your general point, maybe think of it as a “bulk discount” rather than “couples’ price”?

        I know it’s demoralizing to think of the world as geared toward couples, so reframing when you can might be helpful.

  26. Snark*

    So, this week has been a lot.

    As I’ve mentioned in open threads, I’m being laid off at the end of May and am frantically searching for the thing we don’t talk about today. My Subaru is starting to burn oil and will likely need some fairly involved, but covered by warranty, engine work. We’re leaving for Barcelona in two and a half weeks. My wife’s work is intensely stressful and burning her out, and we’re still trying to do things like get exercise and see friends.

    But the biggest thing this week is actually two things: learning that my own hearing loss is probably genetic, which was good to learn, and learning that my four year old son has the same hearing loss, which is fairly heartbreaking. His hearing test, which disclosed the same moderately severe loss I have, led me to schedule an audiologist appointment, and he said mine’s probably genetic and I probably passed it along to him (along with basically all of his other features). The knowledge that he’s going to walk the same road I have is…..really depressing, and distressing. I caught a lot of shit when I was a kid about it, and it’s always been an impediment to my social life, learning, and ability to chill with my homeboys in noisy bars and restaurants. There’s the slight compensating reassurance, though, that I walked that road before him, and can help avoid a lot of the things nobody knew to tell me – like the delusion that I could just power through without hearing aids, for example. But it’s heavy news to get, and I wish I’d known it was a possibility.

    1. Snark*

      But, on the bright side, it’s 65 degrees today, and I’m gonna take a hike with the dog, get some sunlight and exercize.

    2. Caledonia*

      That is a lot snark. I hope you can manage to enjoy your European when it comes around.

      The beauty of the world we live in is that medical advances happen and by having knowledge you can prepare for any issues your son may or may not face in the future.

      PS – can we have an ask snark thread again at some point in the future?

    3. fposte*

      That’s the dark side of parenting, isn’t it? To realize that whether by influence or genetics, you’ve shared something you’d just as soon not. Has this put any of your parents’ or grandparents’ interactions in a different context as well?

      I’ve watched a colleague with anxiety deal really intelligently with her young son, who’s pretty clearly cut from the same cloth. Rather than being anxious about his anxiety, she’s really matter-of-fact with him about what’s difficult, what you can do about it, how she’ll back him up if he needs it with authority figures. I think maybe she’s being the parent she wished she’d had around this, and maybe you can be that for your son too.

      1. Snark*

        Yeah, that’s what I’m really hoping. My parents were, bless their hearts, rather clueless about how my hearing loss works and what I needed, and sort of let me take the lead in ways I really didn’t have the perspective or information myself. And there were just a lot of frustrations that I subjected myself to, trying to gumption my way through a hearing world. I’m hoping to help him avoid most of that. I wish I’d had that matter-of-fact, knowledgeable guidance about how to manage it.

        It’s definitely made me wonder about my fairly antisocial, isolated grandfather, as well.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I enjoy that our society is a lot more open about things and more respectful. “Your problem, suck it down” is not an answer to anything. I am very happy about these changes that I have seen in my lifetime.
          Your poor grandfather he probably got the brunt of “suck it down”. Every generation tries to do a little better on some things.

          1. Triple Anon*

            Yeah, I think we have come a long way. People are nicer and more matter of fact about those kinds of things than they used to be.

    4. neverjaunty*

      It’s heavy news, but your son’s experience won’t be yours; he’ll have the benefit of knowledge, and to him it’ll just be normal and not “what’s wrong here?!” Also, the world is a lot less shitty toward people with disabilities than it used to be.

      1. Casuan*

        So very +1!!

        Snark, I’m sorry for all you’re going through. And I’m thankful your son has you to guide him… with your practicality & sense of humour [dare I say “snark”?] that helps you! :-)

        Enjoy Barcelona!!

    5. ainomiaka*

      that stinks. and I’m glad you have better options to manage for your son. One thing I at least have if I ever have a kid (a more fraught topic than I had previously thought) is that at least there are ways that the issue that cost me hearing in one ear can be managed that won’t involve them growing up with a teacher hating them because I couldn’t hear her when she stood right next to my bad ear and taught.

    6. Kathenus*

      I feel for you with all that happening, especially at once. Regarding your son, as you and others have mentioned, you have so much to offer to make his path easier by your experience. And at least from the perspective of an internet stranger, you seem pretty awesome, so guessing you’re passing that on to your son as well.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      *HUG*

      You absolutely can help your kid through this. I’ve thought about that myself — “If I have a kid, would it have dyscalculia? Arrgh it’s awful. Maybe it’s better this way.” But my kid would have the early intervention that I did not get. Their outcome would likely be vastly different from mine. So yeah, if given the opportunity, I would absolutely go for it anyway (please universe, gah; this is just stupid).

      Enjoy the hell out of that vacation, dammit.

    8. Mimmy*

      Snark – I don’t have children but I can relate the hearing issue. I was born with a slight hearing impairment (among other lovely things….). I don’t know why I was not given hearing aids when I was a child, but I somehow deluded myself into thinking I could get by without them until my now-husband convinced me otherwise (after much debate).

      I think you have the right frame of mind – now that you know what you wish you’d had growing up, you can hopefully find peace by making sure that your son gets what he needs now and, when he gets older, that he understands what will help him in school, work and socially.

      Have fun in Barcelona!!

    9. paul*

      Man, good luck. Sucksyou’re getting laid off :( And rough about your kid; I know how it feels to find out your kid has/may have something that’s made your life rough. I wish I could offer coping advice but I’m not too good at it myself so I’d feel hypocritical doing so.

      Enjoy Barcelona though, and good luck with everything

    10. ..Kat..*

      Consider ASL classes with your son? This could be a special thing you do together. Lip reading classes for you?

      Sorry, this sucks.

  27. Rookie Manager*

    The Beast from the East has caused so much disruption BUT I’ve really enjoyed having some bonus, unscheduled time at home. Yes I did some WFH but also we stayed in bed later than usual, cooked from scratch, did some sorting out that was overdue, watched some telly… is it terrible that it’s been fun? I feel so refreshed it’s almost like I had a holiday.

    1. Irish Em*

      I’m using the time to heal a back injury that I would otherwise have had to use pto for. It is wonderful. I’m just dreading the thaw, I remember the Big Snow of 2010 and my estate was a pain to get out of for about three weeks.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        Ah yes, 2010 Big Snow… We lived on a hill in the city and I didn’t leave the house for a week. Glad this BftE is allowing you to heal.

    2. Caledonia*

      I am happy civilisation is back – so the library is open and I have a supply of books. Hoping to be back to work on Monday.

        1. Caledonia*

          Did you see the attempted demolition of a Lidl in Ireland? They stole a digger or something like that. Crazy.

          1. Cristina in England*

            What?! Someone stole a digger and tried to demolish a LIDL in a snowstorm? I feel like I missed out on that one.

    3. Kat*

      I should have done that but instead spent the time worrying about the fact I wasn’t at work. What a waste of time!

      1. Rookie Manager*

        I certainly did some of that, and a weird ‘am I shutting the office cos I don’t want to go in’ guilt stressed me. Hope you can enjoy this weekend.

    4. Ruth (UK)*

      I’ve had to go into work :( But, to avoid that topic on the weekend thread, and to avoid talking about the problems the snow caused, here are some things I’ve enjoyed from it:

      I have really enjoyed seeing so many people sledging! I saw a lot of uni students on make-shift sledges shooting down this big bump/hill. One guy was going top speed on a “caution – wet floor” sign, screaming “I’M ALL RIGHT! I’M ALL RIGHT!”

      Meanwhile, I saw 2 teenage girls trying to ride down on a single airbed!

      People were trying to sledge on bin liners, bits of cardboard, and in boxes! I’ve done a lot of walking in the last few days (2 hours each way for work on Wed, Thurs and Fri). The wind on Thursday was so bad, I ended up making a non-intentional U-turn while trying to cross a park, and ended up going the wrong way!

      But it all has also been very pretty and sort of magical looking. And I’ve baked chocolatey chocolate chip chocolate bars.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        The funny videos of people skiing/snowboarding down streets, dogs getting lost in a flurry then diving out, sunbathing behaviours… have been a delight. I’ve not seen much for real though due to staying home. I admire that amount of walking Ruth, you are a tenacious woman!

        (That sounds like my level of chocolate!)

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          I usually cycle to work, which is about 40 minutes for me anyway, so it’s not as hard to go from being used to doing that every day, to the walking, even though the walking takes longer.

          I also saw people walking/skating/sliding on a lake/pond, which I realise can be dangerous, but in this case, it was a purpose built ‘lake’ for model boats, and is only about waist deep – which meant it had frozen more solidly than a real/deeper lake would, and is also less danger should someone fall through.

          I did enjoy the videos of people snowboarding in the streets! Oh, and I saw a kid trying to convince their dog to pull them while they sat in the sledge. But the dog just sniffed around and wasn’t interested in pulling :D

    5. WonderingHowIGotHere*

      Where I live is known for having its own microclimate, so while we got two or three small flurries (Monday morning we had a whopping 1″ of snow on the car roof – the light powdery stuff that brushed right off), we’ve all been going about comparatively normal lives. The supermarket was a bit light on bread and milk when we went today – I suppose the depots are further inland and so probably couldn’t make deliveries, and I have been wearing an extra layer of clothes (and getting the mickey taken out of me because I’m ALWAYS cold in the place we don’t mention at the weekend).

      1. Rookie Manager*

        A teacher friend took a class trip up to the highlands this week and had next to no snow, the only worry was would they be able to get back down to the central belt! It’s funny how some places miss weather that *everyone* seems to get.

    7. Espeon*

      I took one look out the window on Thursday morning and was like ‘O hell no I’m not risking my life for a call centre’, and promptly enjoyed my extra day off (which I’ll be taking unpaid, but whatever). It was super refreshing!

      I made it in on Friday (the roads were clear, no more excuse :( ) but it was a complete waste of time overall, because the companies we get our work from were closed!! I was so bored I almost fell asleep at my desk a few times.

    8. Incantanto*

      I was on leave for it, went up from the south to high in the pennines. So great as not having to stress about work,was woth family so fun snowball fights and it was nice.

      We seriously had fun on the worst night though: a five minute trek to the pub turned into a fifteen minutes arctic expedition in a blizzard. Brr.

  28. Eat up!*

    Should precede this post with a warning: if you have (or have had) an eating disorder probably best not to read this.

    Question: how’s your relationship with food? Do you obsess over it? Log it? Count calories? Do you adhere so some sort of diet plan? Do you constantly worry about having to ‘work off’ treats even if you only have them once in a while? Do you think of food simply as fuel or do you have strong emotional reactions to it?

    (Note these questions aren’t meant to be a questionnaire, just some suggestions of where to start – please comment as you see fit!)

    The reason I want to ask is that there seem to be increasingly visible ‘pushback’ on the whole ‘clean eating’ movement. Personally I think that’s a good thing – it always bothered me to read the prescriptive eating plans laid out against pretty photos which sound appealing but really have very little scientific backing (most of these authors are not dieticians) and are often not at all practical (or affordable!).

    One of the leaders in the area is the former GBBO contestant Ruby Tandoh, who’s written quite a lot about her experience with EDs and body image issues. (Anyone who thought she was too ‘meek’ during her time on the show should really check out her Twitter and Instagram content.) She’s usually the first to call out people advocating the ‘next big thing’ in dieting and reminding people that treats are okay, and there should be no shame or guilt associated with eating as a general rule.

    It’s such a complicated issue. The problems of obesity and related diseases aren’t getting any better despite all the public health warnings (which is a pretty clear sign that the issue /isn’t/ that people don’t KNOW it’s a problem, but there are no viable solutions on offer). Even on this (usually even-mannered) forum tempers tend to flare when the issue of food (the nutritional value or lack thereof) is mentioned. Of course there are other issues – socioeconomic status is a hugely complicated one – but this attitude that no one should be talking about it at all doesn’t seem right either.

    It’s even harder when it comes to younger people, including children – it’s so difficult to find the right balance between wanting to teach good habits and not scaring them or making them feel guilty, or forming negative associations with food at all. It seems like there’s always blame to go around – blame the parents, blame advertising, blame peer pressure or whatever, but surely it’s a societal wide issue and trying to pin the blame like that isn’t productive in any way.

    Anyway, I’ve rambled and probably gone off on too much of a tangent from my original question. But it’s one of those topics that keeps going around in circles while problems of both obesity and EDs still continue to worsen. It’s like every ‘solution’ is only pushing people more and more to the extremes and there doesn’t appear to be any way of stopping it. And indeed, so long as there are people who stand to benefit – and profit! – from this pattern, what incentive is there to stop it at all?

    1. KatieKate*

      So I come from a community with some of the highest rates of EDs, but it’s still something no one talks about. It wasn’t until I got friends outside of my community that I realized, “oh, okay, all of my high school friends had EDs.”

      I have a lot of problems with food that stem from how I grew up, and the fact that I only have disordered eating and not a true ED is really a miracle.

      So when it comes to stuff like “clean eating” I am 100% there for the pushback, probably too far on that side, if we’re being honest because anything with the words “clean” and “healthy” set me on edge but the issue of obesity and health really needs to be looked at as an intersectional issue rather than putting all the blame on one thing. The pushback I got from my culture was intercommunity selfhate and not the root of the problem. It’s a problem, sure, and one that’s easier to address, but not the overall issue.

      Access to food, socioeconomic issues, food education, and food kindness are all much more important than the blame game.

        1. Reba*

          Yes, even aside from faux science there’s the larger context of desserts or whatever being “sinful”! I MEAN. If there’s a god she clearly put chocolate here for me to enjoy. And then the performative “I’m being bad” “indulge!” etc. etc. etc. Is SnackWells still around?

          But why is food morality made personal (and particularly feminized) around the chemical composition of what you eat? To my mind the moral questions of food are the big ones about the environment, food access as KatieKate mentions, and labor conditions. (spoiler we know why)

          1. fposte*

            And why are some chemicals clean and other dirty, especially when you’re talking substances that are grown in actual dirt?

    2. fposte*

      I think your last sentence is really resonant–there’s just too much profit in food-shaming and quick fixes for them to go away anytime soon.

      I have a quant streak so I’ve gone through counting periods, but I think even when counting is useful, it tends to 1) be useful only short-term while you reframe your intake and 2) come even then at a cost of how you think about and approach food.

      Crohn’s really tossed my relationship with food like a salad (couldn’t resist the metaphor), but ironically in some ways it has improved it by nudging me away from traditional American eating habits. I’m guessing your talking about Ruby means you’re British; the UK has its own challenging eating patterns too and there’s some overlap, but for sheer quantity America is, I think, out in the lead, and Crohn’s means that I just can’t do an American restaurant portion. I also get pretty decent taste resets from not eating sugary carbs very often.

      OTOH, when I recover from a flare where I’ve been able to eat nothing interesting for a while, the pent-up demand is an unhelpful phenomenon even if I’m pretty discriminating about what I eat; additionally, I was a serious baker in my younger days and haven’t quite let go of that idea of myself, even though realistically I just can’t do that any more.

    3. Laura H*

      Mine is fortunately decent. It’s more than the basic food in energy out equation, and while I don’t ascribe to all these (IMO) fadish, borderline snakeoil, “clean/healthy” diets- excuse the eye-rolling – I’m not a bad eater! I do like my sweet stuff a little much.

      But the food in, energy out equation helps me remember that I do need to eat something, and that there is a thing as too much. And that’s important to me. I value how I feel physically over a number on a scale. I’ll likely pay way more attention to how I feel than a scale.

    4. Rookie Manager*

      So I don’t have any ED but I think my relationship with food is probably a bit weird. My mum always would insist on giving you that extra spoonful when dishing up but only having a small bit herself, she constantly is on some sort of diet and talks about being fat when she is far from it. My sisters and I all have the same hourglass body shape but my mum is straight up and down – she would talk about being ‘booby’ amd fat at a B cup while we are all D+ even when thin. Most greetings start with have you lost/gained weight?

      Anyway as a result I refuse to diet, I will not join in the January Deprivation Cult, I will breezily take seconds of something delicious or undo that top button at a all you can eat place… however inside I sometimes feel guilty for eating whatever or I don’t want the seconds I just cannot go along with the “Oh I really shouldn’t” nonsense. And I don’t think I’ve ever said all that “out loud” before. So I’m glad there is pushback, let’s not give moral values to food.

    5. To your point*

      So I count calories but the reason I do that is because I know if I let myself eat however much I want, I’ll put back on all the weight I lost. I grew up eating mostly homemade things and going to college (so losing access to that), medication, and subsequent poverty while I tried to find a better job led to some pretty bad eating habits I still try to combat 3ish years later.

      I do try to eat organic and locally grown (“happy”) food – I don’t eat a lot of meat, especially when I can’t get local, free range/organic meat. It isn’t because I think it’s healthier for myself but I don’t see a reason to make animals suffer just for me to eat them. Organics in general because I just don’t like the environment impact of major pesticides.

      That being said, people are going to eat how they eat. As much as I think a lot of the fad diets are bs (like clean eating or paleo tbh), there can be health benefits from them and if they work for people, I don’t really judge them. Food is such a personal and cultural thing that why people make the choices they make is a very complex thing.

    6. Overeducated*

      I got into a fat acceptance/intuitive eating phase mindset about a decade ago thanks to a roommate and it really recalibrated my relationship to my body and food in a positive and lasting way. It got me out of the scarcity mindset of restriction and overeating as two sides of the same coin, which actually made it easier for me to eat the right amount for me and try to eat a generally sensible diet instead of “good” vs “bad” foods. I also wound up more in shape and at a healthier weight just from being able to focus on exercise for fun and health rather than obsess about food. I know I can always eat more vegetables and fruits, and with limited cooking and exercise time right now I am a little heavier than I prefer to be, but I think pretty much everyone knows that and push back against “clean eating” fads does not mean denial that vegetables are good for you. Just one person’s experience, but I dont think that push back is an extreme or pro-junk food or anything, it’s just in favor of a less fraught relationship with food.

      1. Overeducated*

        But from a parenting perspective I really have no idea how to get my kid to eat a variety of foods. I try different things but I may be failing, and often just default to how I was raised. That is tough because there are multiple theories and all could screw up your kid in the long run!

      2. Betsy*

        Oh, I completely agree. I was told to ‘eat whatever I want’ because my eating has been quite disordered. I was a bit shocked at first, but I found it didn’t really increase my weight and cuts out a lot of the shame around food. On the other hand, when I was trying to only eat healthy food, I didn’t lose weight and would often feel a bit dizzy towards the end of the day, probably due to not eating enough calories.

    7. Turtlewings*

      Oh man, food’s definitely a hot issue for me. I have an anxiety-based eating disorder that makes it very, very hard to try new foods, so I eat the same things over and over. If you think not having many foods to eat would make it easier to lose weight, you would be exactly wrong, because none of them are healthy, and portion control is a serious issue for me.

      (Details: I eat exactly one fruit — apple — and two vegetables — corn and potatoes, which are really more starch than vegetable. I eat a lot of bread, chicken, and cheese. Love me some pasta… or all the pasta. Love ALL the junk food — candy, cookies, ice cream, etc.)

      For the past few years I’ve used a calorie-counting app off and on, and when I can really buckle down and stay within the calorie limit, I am successful in losing weight. But it’s really freaking hard for me and I always burn out after a while. I try to concentrate on eating things with real nutritional value — protein, whole grains, etc. — BUT THERE ARE ALSO CUPCAKES IN THE WORLD so yeah, difficulty.

      Several months ago, very burned out on calorie-counting, I tried to just wing it. Eat when I was hungry, don’t stress about it, try to think nutrition and don’t eat myself sick but don’t stress. The whole “listen to your body” thing. I immediately gained 28 lbs and can no longer look at myself in the mirror. My particular body is not a good one to listen to.

      Food is definitely an emotional thing for me. I enjoy eating! It tastes good! It’s a pleasant experience and it’s really freaking hard to just NOT experience that pleasant thing when it’s right there for the taking! There have been times in my life when I was so miserable that looking forward to my next snack was what got me through the day. And then at the same time, it’s an activity that is rife with anxiety and shame because I shouldn’t be eating, and I especially shouldn’t be eating THIS thing, and everyone is mad/hurt/thinks I’m weird because I won’t eat THAT thing, and with one hand I throw the middle finger to society/everyone and eat what I want because fat people still have worth, and with the other hand I push away my sister’s camera because I don’t want to see any pictures of me looking like this.

      Also what even is healthy eating. Every piece of research I see contradicts the last thing I saw. Is bread the staff of life or the devil? Chocolate, the ultimate sin or secretly good for you? I’ve almost given up trying to keep track.

      1. nep*

        ‘My particular body is not a good one to listen to’ — great line.
        From experience I know that what my body has to ‘say’ changed when I started eating less processed stuff and more healthy foods.
        I really like the way you summed up what is really a hot issue for so many.
        All the best

        1. Turtlewings*

          It is comforting to hear that if I “trained” it properly my body might become a more reliable guide. Thank you!

          1. fposte*

            I agree with nep on the possibility of reset. For me, there’s about a 24-48 hour appetite hike for non-produce sweet stuff or sweetened carbs after I consume them; after that the straight-out yearning dies down (though stress, boredom, and proximity can work the same effect). In other words, having cookies today makes me want cookies about ten times more tomorrow. Sometimes I can manage to stay under that activation threshold (it’s pretty low), but a lot of times I can’t due to the other pleasures of sugar and carbs and packaging.

            (I think there’s microbiome work that supports this–that the bacteria that get fed are the ones that get more active–but I haven’t found anything that’s specific or that supports the interval I’ve experienced.)

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Sometimes I tell myself when I am 95 and in the nursing home I will eat a big piece of cake every. single. day.

              1. Parenthetically*

                New life goal. Big piece of chocolate cake with really sticky, super thick icing.

                I can make it another four weeks with no sugar, I really can.

    8. nep*

      I grew up in a household where we were allowed way too much junk. (I know — define junk.)
      My life was completely transformed (truly, saved) when I stopped eating junk. I don’t go around preaching ‘clean eating,’ but if someone asks me I will tell them cutting out processed crap saved my life. (I don’t mean processed as in something had to happen to this item between the soil and my plate — I mean processed as in transformed and shot through with preservatives, sugar, and sodium to the point it resembles no living thing anywhere.)
      I know the difference it has made for me. Every body is different.
      (I’m in a constant battle with another family member over what to feed a toddler we help raise — another story for another day. Or not. P.S. The little one is not exposed to tension or discussion around food; I don’t go around slapping cookies out of her hand.)
      Michael Pollan: Eat food, not too much, mostly plants.

      1. Overeducated*

        I am curious abour your toddler feeding battle, because I am not really sure what to do with my extremely picky child, so if you want to get into it you’d have a receptive audience….

        1. Cristina in England*

          I’ll join in, maybe we can have a separate thread if anyone is interested in picky eating kid chat?

      3. Fiennes*

        I’m trying to get to a place where if I have something more sugary/involved, I have to *make it from scratch.* The cake is not good for me regardless, but at least I know exactly what is in it.

    9. Reba*

      Ruby is great! I loved her and really felt for her on the show. And her recipes are spot on as they say.

      Have you read Roxane Gay’s _Hunger_?

      There was a good BBC Food Chain episode a while back about orthorexia — caution because I think that ep could be triggering. They also had a really entertaining show about food and long life. I loved hearing from the woman who was a 1940s music star about how she ate steak every day!

      You might also enjoy Dr. Jen Gunter’s write up of her day at a recent Goop fest, it is both disturbing and hilarious.

    10. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I stopped eating dairy products in 2000.

      At the time I thought it was a reasoned, sensible decision that I had made for Reasons.

      Recently I’ve looked back and thought… yeah. At that point food was pretty much all I could exert control over. It pissed people off that I stopped but they kind of grudgingly accepted it.

      2.5 years ago, I was with my family and they were having ice creams, and I thought sod it I’m having an ice cream. And I did, and now I eat dairy again, although most of what I eat at home is still dairy free. But I know that I’m still under the control of that disordered eating. I sometimes have to force myself to eat things that contain dairy because I know if I don’t I’ll slip back into that “dairy is evil” manner of thinking and that’s not good for me.

      I know I will have a way to go. I’m hoping to get some Proper Therapy soon dealing with all the stuff that led me to this that can help me untangle it, because at the mo I’m still struggling with it. And in the meantime I’ve put 3 stone in the last 3.5 years and stopped exercising and I need to sort my health out, but even though one of my friends who’s disabled has joined slimming world and had amazing results, I cannot in good faith pay money to make someone profit from my struggles (I don’t judge anyone else, I know it can work miracles, it’s my own thing).

      So. Yeah. Another thing I’m trying to cope with. Gimme another 30 years or so and I’ll have everything sorted.

    11. Thursday Next*

      My relationship with food is very fraught. My mother freaked the F out when I hit puberty at 11. She bought food that she’d hide from me, didn’t give me lunch money or food for school, didn’t want to buy me bras (because my 34c breasts weren’t “old enough”)…that’s a partial list.

      Once I left home I struggled with eating because the line between love/maternal care and food is so direct for me. I’ve gone through periods where I didn’t use food to comfort or punish myself, and those were the periods I felt psychologically and physically healthiest.
      I think it was the psychological health that drove the good eating habits, not the other way around.

      All this is now complicated by being the parent of one underweight child with disordered eating practices, and one disabled child for whom the independent bringing of food to mouth has represented a real achievement. It’s hard to reconcile all this different stuff. I’ve always given both of them a variety of food and let them eat as they choose, without attaching negative judgement to any food. Yes, I do try to encourage child with scoliosis to eat calcium-rich foods, or undereating child to eat calorie-dense foods, but I actually avoid food talk for the most part.

      I will say I judge myself for having gotten to this point in my life and gone through all that therapy only to have all this adulthood and self-awareness mean nothing in times of stress. Which seems to be always! I hate seeing myself make choices that I know I will regret, or that aren’t consistent with practices I’ve had when I’ve been healthier.

    12. Marillenbaum*

      I grew up with the usual sort of weird body-image BS you get from growing up female in America, with the added misogynoir of being Black and having the thicker thighs and backside that meant that even at my lowest weight, I never looked “thin”. I was never one for restricting food–if anything, remarks from my mom about my weight made me more likely to eat junk food because I wanted to explicitly reject the diet talk mindset.

      Now that I’m in my late 20s, I am actually trying to lose weight, and I’ve found a program (Noom) that really works for me. I exercise a lot more, but I focus on what feels good and pleasurable; I eat less, but I try to make it diverse and delicious–and there’s definitely still room for the odd slice of lemon cake! I read Bee Wilson’s “First Bite”, all about how we learn to eat, and that’s informed my development of a less judgmental approach to myself and food.

      I think the biggest change, though, is that I have far less patience for anyone who tries to police my body or eating habits–in either direction. I was dating a guy recently who decided to tell me he “thought [I’d] be thinner” when we met (this was a 4th date) and that my weight was “a concern”, and I very calmly handed him his coat and threw him the fork out of my apartment. I lost 190 pounds of dead weight in two minutes, and it felt damned good.

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        good for you! no one needs that kind of crap in their life. I wish you well in your journey to better health.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yeah, people who food police, either at me or at others, piss me ALL THE WAY off and I’m real glad you showed that dude the door.

        I’m 36, and I have a long way to go to feel like I have a peaceful relationship with food, but I FOR SURE cannot handle the “detox” “clean eating” bullshirt some of my peers peddle. Orthorexia is… it is rampant in my community. Actually that’s one of my issues, I think — I get so adamantly ANTI-“clean eating” that all I want to do is go to Cane’s and shove chicken strips in my face while staring at Spirulina Self-Righteousness Smoothie Lady. Like I am a person who actually very much enjoys kale and lentils. But damned if I won’t eat two cups of rotel-sausage-velveeta dip AT her smug vegan/paleo/whatever ass. :’D

      3. Betsy*

        Ugh. I’m a white woman with thicker thighs, hips and butt. I’m sure the judgment’s even worse for young black girls and women, given that racism’s added to that too. As a young woman, I was really quite thin, and sometimes people would still comment on my thighs. Even if you’re not carrying much fat in those areas, people still make assumptions just due to your body shape. My bone structure means that even if I have zero fat on my hips, I still look curvy.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      It’s kind of like preaching religion. No one is going to agree with a person who is using a sledge hammer to drive their point home. We each have to find what works for ourselves.

      I will say, when I wanted to lose weight just so I could look okay, the weight loss was slow and difficult and very complex. But after I got sick, I just wanted to be well. I no longer cared what I weighed. I was at a place in my head where if the doc said, “You need to weigh 500 pounds to feel well” I would have gotten right on that. This on the heals of nearly 15 years of trying to lose weight. The turnabout on that was not lost on me, my mindset had changed drastically.
      So anyway, I started eating simpler meals and food with less and less ingredients. Gradually, I got my life back. I put on muscle. I found an internal resilience to be able to tolerate the sticks and stones life throws at us. I liked me better.
      And I learned a lot.

      The clean/dirty thing makes me sad. We have lost our way. Just like church, politics and other things, each person should find their own path. We should be encouraging each other to try things to procure and sustain our quality of life. Instead we have people angry with other people. Which really moves us even further away from the point: protect your quality of life. Watch the older folks, watch people around you. See what is working and what is not , judge for yourself, then go accordingly.

    14. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’m a picky eater, have texture issues, and my brain and stomach do not always communicate very well to tell me when I’m hungry. Eating is also more of a neutral than something I enjoy doing. And I do not enjoy cooking. Overall, I’ve got some issues. Technically I’ve got disordered eating. I learned how to manage it in college through trial and error – basically how to make sure I remember to eat. I’m fine with my body overall, this really isn’t a body image issue.

      There are times that I have more problems than others. If I’m stressed, I will often not feel hungry. If I’m suffering heat stress, I’ll lose my appetite and will also be unable to eat a lot of solid foods. I do best with a defined schedule, like work, and have to be very careful if I’m on vacation to make sure I eat enough. If it’s heat stress, lots of liquids, simpler foods, cold things, etc. Where I live now heat stress is much less of a problem. Sometimes I’ll make a LOT of different foods and have them in the fridge/freezer. If something is easy to grab and eat then I’ll do it, no problem. Bizarrely, I also don’t have favorite foods the way other people do.

      I’m currently in a problem phase actually. Just having trouble getting the interest to make dinner, thus I often am not eating dinner right now, or am snacking on something. I’ll get out of this by a combo of willpower (yes, I have to make dinner), buying foods that are easier to cook/prepare, and possibly doing some bulk cooking. I’ll go to the grocery store tomorrow and will be getting more convenience type foods, simply because I’m currently losing weight and I need to reverse that asap.

      Due to the texture issues and pickyness, there are things I won’t or can’t eat. I have problems with a lot of pastas, and basically never order pasta in a restaurant. I will literally gag trying to eat certain foods. I generally prefer less involved foods. If it’ll be on the food shows, I probably won’t eat it. Foods also can’t touch. If you’re thinking I’m basically a giant toddler, you’re right.

    15. Lissa*

      I don’t like how basically everything I read on the Internet lately (on this topic, but OK kind of also about everything) seems to be so black or white. Either it’s completely shamey “clean eating”, watch your weight, jump on female celebrities who gain 5 pounds, or it’s intuitive eating always works, calorie counting always is bad, the link between obesity and health issues is all fake.

      I’m the opposite of a picky eater. I love all food. As much of it as I can get, there’s very little I won’t eat, and going out for a nice dinner is one of my favourite things to do. When I want a reward food is the first thing that comes to mind. When I first put on weight I was constantly seeing stuff posted that seemed to say that it was impossible to ever lose weight and keep it off, changing what I ate wouldn’t help, it just happened of course people gained weight as they aged. I read something that countered this so I decided, Ok fine, I’ll give calorie counting a try and for the first time in my life I was able to lose weight. More than that i felt like I had control over it! I could eat whatever the hell I wanted (and often do) I just would keep in mind everything else I’d had that day. I also learned so much I had no idea about when it came to food. I treat it like my bank balance, just being aware of what I’m eating has been helpful for me personally, though for some people it would be absolutely disastrous.

      I feel like so much around this topic tends to go off of “This worked for me, so everyone should do it and it should always work for everyone.” But I’ve found that to be really untrue, and what helps one person is awful for another. I don’t even understand what “clean” eating is supposed to be, and the few times I tried to look into what it was I got confused and annoyed. I mean, I could eat less sugar but other than that…meh? I have no interest in spending days making healthy homemade food, sorry. I will make what tastes good to me and sometimes go for a convenient option or go out to eat without thinking that much into it and I prefer to live that way.

    16. Chaordic One*

      It’s complicated.

      I was diagnosed as having an eating disorder many years ago when I was much younger. At the time I was also diagnosed as having IBS and I was also smoking heavily. (I was told by my doctor to get counseling to help me deal better with stress.) It seemed like nearly everything that I ate made my stomach upset and so I stopped eating and I became extremely thin. Things seemed to improve when I finally quit smoking and my metabolism slowed down and I began to eat a bit better, but I continued to be plagued off and on with IBS.

      Years later I was diagnosed as having food allergies to some annoying common foods. In retrospect I think that I didn’t have an eating disorder so much as I was trying to avoid the foods that I was allergic to. I suspect that many people with EDs might have some sort of complication such as IBS or colitis or Crohn’s Disease. (I’ve read that Karen Carpenter claimed to have colitis.) I really wish my food allergies had been been diagnosed earlier.

    17. Jules the First*

      I have a complicated relationship with food. When we decided to diet-manage my IBD, my doctor warned me that it meant being rabidly difficult about what I eat for a while and that it put me at risk for an ED. I’m in a fairly good place four years down the line, but I still struggle with the guilt of knowing that the diet I live on now isn’t as perfect as it could be but it’s the line I’m walking to keep the balance between healthy and sane. Every new job is tough because I have to go through the hassle of explaining again, and this job is particularly tough because there’s a company canteen that everyone eats at and eating at your desk is forbidden (and yes, there’s good intentions behind that, but also no understanding of why people might need to eat differently than the norm across the company).

    18. JenM*

      I think I have a pretty good relationship with food. I’ve been roughly the same weight most of my adult life. I’m a strong believer in everything in moderation- food, alcohol, exercise. I don’t enjoy cooking so my meals are pretty basic – standard meat, two veg and a carb. And I love the odd take away.

      I completely agree with Ruby Tandoh on the whole issue of food purity (it’s annoying as I generally can’t stand her!). All of the diets and fads are all part of a multi billion euro industry which only works by making people feel unhappy with themselves. I think “home economics” should be a mandatory subject in schools so students leave school understanding nutrition and able to cook at a basic level.

    19. MechanicalPencil*

      I definitely have disordered eating, but I don’t think it falls into any of the usual eating disorders. When everything in life feels out of control, my eating is the one thing I can definitely control. So I sometimes…don’t. And when I’m anxious, my body doesnt send out the “feed me” signals to remind me, so I don’t always remember. It’s a problem.

      I also always felt like the big girl in my class because I was always the tallest, etc. I’m usually always the tallest now, sometimes even over whoever I’m dating, so even if someone makes a comment about me being slim or whatever it doesn’t penetrate because my mental image of myself is completely different.

      I don’t think “clean eating” is really a thing. One of my doctors wants me to follow a special diet, which basically removes preservatives, etc. Which falls under the clean eating definition (yes, eyeroll), but I don’t always listen. A girl has to have some Girl Scout cookies and chocolate. But I’ve also found that I feel better eating fewer carbs overall and more veggies and proteins. I just hit up the freezer section sometimes for those steam in a bag types.

    20. oranges & lemons*

      I have a lot of feelings about diet and other lifestyle shaming being pushed by corporations out to make a buck off of people’s insecurities, or by governments who don’t want to put the effort into examining how they approach healthcare. Really the biggest factor influencing lifestyle choices and health outcomes is wealth, and everyone’s diets are restricted by their income and by the types of food that are prioritized through our model of factory farming and industrialized agriculture, but of course it is much easier and more profitable to make everyone feel bad about their own eating and spending habits. Although governments have been trying to shame people healthy for decades and it never works.

  29. FrontRangeOy*

    I went through a terribly restrictive/clean/paleo phase about eight or so years ago but have mainly rebounded pretty healthily.

    I eat what I want, when I need to, and don’t worry too much if a day or two seem out of balance. In stepping away from restrictive eating, I was told to observe weekly and monthly patterns rather than obsessing over each day. I may not have eaten many veggies yesterday but odds are I’m going to eat salad all day today or tomorrow and over a week, servings of fruits and vegetables will balance out.

    1. Rookie Manager*

      A study was done on toddlers who were allowed to choose all their own food. Over the course of each month they had a totally balanced diet that met all their needs, even if on one day they would only eat red jelly babies. If we listen to our bodies it should all work out ok, I like the sound of your method.

      1. fposte*

        That study is unfortunately pretty dicey–I’ll append a link in followup–and of course you have the problem that a 1939 study about what toddlers chose from the restricted options provided to them doesn’t map all that well onto what a 2017 adult could choose out of everything they have access to.

        I think unfortunately the obesity rise correlates strongly with listening to our bodies, because our bodies have evolved to want high-value foods and we’ve now made them extremely easy to get. Additionally, there are some indicators that our bodies say different things depending on our microbiomes, so another way to think about it is that our bodies’ tenants have a lot to say as well, and they tend to like what they’re used to.

        2. fposte*

          Sorry, “correlates” is a bad choice of word there. It correlates with our increased ability to obtain the high value food that our bodies want, not with any greater listening to the body.

        3. neverjaunty*

          This. With respect, I’m not sure how anyone who has actually tried to raise toddlers would be under the impression that they naturally choose a healthy diet if only it’s made available to them.

          I’m also done with “healthy parenting” as a proxy for mommier-than-thou competitiveness. Yes, it’s very nice that little Spendleigh prefers organic farmer’s market sweet potatoes, but that’s because she likes sweet potatoes, not because her superior parents were more conscientious about food choices than other people.

          1. Elf*

            Yes. I have a toddler, and I subscribe to the toddlers choosing their own food idea only to the degree that I can’t actually force him to eat a damn thing. I can control what goes in front of him. I think that toddlers (and people in general) will mostly eat a balanced diet over time if all their choices are healthy. I’m not going to stress if one day he only wants to eat brussels sprouts at dinner and another he only wants chicken, that will balance out just fine. However, if he had the option to eat candy all the time, he absolutely would because it is made out of sugar.

            I think that people will eat to their needs if the super unhealthy designed-to-be-addictive processed foods aren’t particularly part of their diet, but the prepackaged modern stuff will absolutely take over your diet if you let it.

        4. Rookie Manager*

          I’m gutted to hear this. I’ve used this theory to reassure my sister that she was doing just fine when she was weaning the baby and had PND. Just shows how bad she was that she accepted the fluffier article version I sent her rather than coming back to me with statistics and science.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, man; sorry to have stepped on those toes. I still think her toddler was probably doing okay, though, not because of innate food-seeking instinct but because we’re ultimately pretty sturdy organisms and it’s not likely she was feeding the kid arsenic cakes or anything.

          2. Elf*

            No, this is probably totally fine. You/your sister shouldn’t stress about what the kid actually consumes, just make sure that healthy foods are presented, and candy/chips/packaged snacks are not presented much. Division of labor: your job to put appropriate food in front of the kid, kid’s job to eat it. If the kid doesn’t eat, she will be hungry. If she is hungry enough she will eat. She will not starve.

        5. Betsy*

          But the OP is talking about how they’re moving away from overly restrictive eating. In their context ‘listen to your body’ sounds like it makes a great deal of sense. Their issue is that they were limiting their diet, and now they’re not, not that they’re obese and trying to lose weight.

  30. Free Meerkats*

    Coffee!

    What’s your favorite?
    How much do you drink?
    Flavored or not?
    Preferred brewing method?
    Black, sugar, cream, creamer, latte?
    What’s your order when you go to a coffee shop?

    I’m a Starbucks guy, usually dark roasts but not Italian or French. I drink mine black. I use a siphon brewer; gives a great tasting, bright and clear cup. I drink about a pot a day and my Starbucks order is, “Grande dark, no room, two ice cubes.”

    1. Snark*

      I….utilize coffee for its ability to keep me energetic when life dictates that I not be, and when I drink it, I enjoy it. In the winter, I like a dirty chai or a cortado; in the summer, I like an iced cold brew with milk and almond syrup.

      But my favored morning drink is my homemade chai, which I brew from scratch – strong, lots of cardamom and ginger, lots of tea.

      1. Marillenbaum*

        Is there a particular recipe you use? Asking for myself and my deeply greedy love of chai.

        1. Snark*

          Well, it started with the proportions given to my by my favorite chaiwallah when I lived in India….uh, 15 years ago, and sort of mutated from there.

          4 cups water
          2 cups milk – I prefer 2%
          3 tbsp sugar (more or less to taste – I use turbinado sugar)
          1 tsp chai masala – which is 3 parts cinnamon to 2 part allspice to 1 part each cloves, fennel seed, star anise
          8 pods cardamom
          About 2 tsp ginger, grated on a microplane from a frozen ginger knob

          Heat water to boiling, add tea and sugar, and steep 4 min. Add milk, then masala. Put chai back on heat and heat till starting to scald and get foamy. Take it off before it boils over, but it should be a near thing. Smash cardamom pods and add to chai; stir. Grate ginger into the chai, giving it another stir. Pour through a tea strainer into a mug. Repeat daily for 15 years or so.

    2. FrontRangeOy*

      At home, pour over method, Cafe Busto brand grounds. Powdered creamer, no sugar.

      On the go, local coffee shop that roasts on site. Single source beans (Ethiopian for preference, Tanzania or Kenya are close follow ups), pour over method, room for cream, no sugar.

    3. BRR*

      My favorite is a cold brew done in my mason jar cold brew maker. Usually Trader Joe’s or Costco medium roast beans steeped on the counter for 48 hours then one part cold brew with two parts milk.

      In the winter months I enjoy using my mr coffee latte maker (or as I call it the poor man’s espresso machine) with Trader Joe’s espresso beans. Add in a little vanilla extract.

      Wawa’s new creame brûlée cold brew is amazing as well.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Bizarrely, I *love* coffee ice cream, coffee-flavored donuts, frozen coffee drinks such as Mocha Frappuccinos… but I can’t stand drinking actual hot coffee, even with loads of milk and sugar.

      1. fposte*

        *fistbump* Coffee is great except for actual coffee.

        I think it’s possible for coffee to be brewed in a way where it tastes like what I think it should, because I had it once, but that’s the only time in several decades. I therefore have to assume that even if it’s possible, it’s not likely enough for me to bother.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You might like a French press. It’s a much smoother cuppa. I love mine, but I seldom take the time to use it.

      2. Claire (Scotland)*

        I love the smell of coffee but hate the taste. So I don’t actually drink coffee, or eat anything coffee-flavoured. But I like it when I’m with those who do, so I can smell it. I like hanging out in coffee shops for the same reason.

        1. fposte*

          Tried it. Didn’t change things. (Just as well, because I’m really not supposed to have much caffeine anymore.)

            1. fposte*

              I had the same thought–that’s why I deliberately tried it! Oh, well, I still love my Mocha Frappuccinos.

    5. Nina*

      Caribou Medium Roast (in my Keurig) and Starbucks or Dunkin when I’m out. There aren’t any more Caribou shops where I live
      How much I drink: One cup a day or every other day
      Preferred Brewing Method: Drip, I guess? I have a Keurig at home.
      What’s in it: Regular cream and sugar, and a shot of flavored creamer. The only coffee I drink plain is Dunkin. Otherwise, it varies. White mocha creamer, Cinnamon Vanilla Creme, French Vanilla, Hazelnut…the list goes on.
      What do I order: Also varies. Usual standby is either a Peppermint Mocha or a White Mocha. Occasionally I’ll get a Frappucino or a Macchiato.

    6. Junior Dev*

      I got a little automatic coffee maker which makes about 3 cups. I use it most mornings so I can set it and forget it.

      I prefer french press coffee but the glass on my last french press cracked. I’m saving up to buy a metal one.

    7. buttercup*

      I adore coffee. I prefer Colombian/Cuban coffee (so, strong!) with milk, no sugar. I generally prefer Latin American origin beans with chocolaty nutty flavors.

    8. Casuan*

      Black. Strong.
      Usually via a French press although I also have a good instant coffee I use [cue collective eye rolling!].
      If I need a quick infusion, I’ll get coffee with a shot or two of espresso; I forget what they’re called. One of them is a “black eye.”
      As for flavoured coffees, I like hazelnut & mochas. In my car I usually drink Frappuccinos because I’m a klutz & prefer not to cover myself in hot coffee. Fortunately I’m frappuccino-accident free [although what’s with drive-thrus who use crappy lids & cheap cups so when I squeeze the drink- usually a shake- even a little the cup gives & the lid pops off?!?].

      When I don’t like the coffee at hotels or restaurants I might add sugar &or cream &or hazelnut, because caffeine is important.

      Best coffeemaker I ever had was in the early 1990s; it was Braun Cup-at-a-Time. Simple, small, consistent, & it lasted for years.

    9. Pie for Breakfast*

      Coffee is my drug of choice. Every now and then I try to go sober and it’s not worth it. However I am able to refuse to bad coffee (like office, hotel, oil change place coffee) so I’m not THAT bad. I drink 4 cups in the AM, one at afternoon break, and often one before bedtime. I have been subbing in tea sometimes lately for the evening cuppa. My pet peeve is coffee that is not hot (yet supposed to be). It should be lava hot not bathwater tepid.
      Packaged coffee choice is Peet’s or Boyd’s. My favorite period is a local roaster that is way too expensive to buy all the time. I prefer medium to dark roast, Colombian beans. I drink it with milk or cream, no flavors or sweeteners. My coffee shop order is an Americano, extra-ice when I want a cold drink.
      Now I want more coffee, so thanks.

    10. Kathenus*

      Dark roast, dark roast, dark roast. With non-dairy creamer since I’m lactose intolerant, and sugar if the creamer is the plain versus flavored kind. Starbucks French roast is my go to but I try out other dark roasts as well. I prefer my own drip coffee to buying it, if I’m spending the money to get something out it’ll be an espresso-based drink of some type but I don’t spend the money that often on those, mostly when I’m traveling. Sprinkle some cinnamon or vanilla powder on the coffee grounds before brewing lets me have a hint of flavor but still the strong brew I like.

    11. Marillenbaum*

      At home, I use a French press and a cheapo electric coffee grinder for either a light or medium roast; sometimes, I’ll add cinnamon or cardamom to the grounds for extra flavor. Milk, 2 sugars. If I’m on campus, I’ll usually do an americano with milk and sugar, or a dirty chai latte with skim milk, but sometimes all that sugar in the chai powder makes my teeth feel gross.

    12. The New Wanderer*

      I don’t have a preferred bean, roast, or blend but I’ve become very specific about how I prepare my coffee at home:
      11 oz coffee + 4 oz milk + 1 tsp sugar + 1/2 tsp hot chocolate powder.
      I like some flavored coffees but I usually cut flavored grounds with an equal portion of unflavored grounds, otherwise I find the taste too strong or chemical-like. I don’t use many syrups or creamers for the same reason – there is never a mild flavor and the sugar content is higher than I like for taste reasons.

      At a coffee shop it’s way easier: 12 oz latte, either vanilla or caramel.

    13. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      coffee if it’s an Ice Capp, a Frappuccino, or a Hopje only :)
      other than that: tea. All day every day, preferably strong enough to eat the spoon + milk & sometimes sugar, preferably Assam, made with boiling water (proper boiling, not ‘hot from a tap’) if at all possible

    14. periwinkle*

      I used to be more selective about my coffee, and attempted to gain skills in making solid espresso drinks (pulling good shots, steaming milk properly, even some rudimentary latte art). But I just couldn’t get the hang of it.

      So I switched to a Nespresso machine and rely on their pods (recyclable, unlike K-cups). Sometimes I’ll go back to making coffee using my Aeropress or pour-over setup, in which case I’ll go back to the local roasters (I like dark roasts with chocolate notes or light/medium roasts with spice notes).

      But hey, if I’ve driving around, it’s time for a sugar-free vanilla latte from Starbucks or elsewhere. I don’t like most of Starbucks’s dark roasts, but their light roast Veranda blend is a favorite of mine.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I’m not picky. I drink instant in the morning because I can’t be arsed to brew it, even though I have a coffeemaker with a timer. This would probably not be the case if it weren’t just me drinking it. A friend of mine is a coffee connoisseur; he would faint if I told him this, haha. I do like a dark roast–Santa Cruz Coffee Roasting Company had a good African one and a nice French too. Oh, and Boss and Bosswife at OldExjob once brought back some Kona coffee from their annual trip to HI and shared it at the office. It was DIVINE.

      I like my tea. BOILING water, steep for two minutes (if I can wait that long), and not too much milk and/or sugar. Earl Grey, please. Looseleaf preferred but I’ll take Twinings tea bags; also Yorkshire Gold, which I find to be much smoother than PG Tips. Tetley and Lipton can go jump in the lake. I like green tea, chai, and rooibos also.

      Fortnum and Mason’s Earl Grey Classic is the best. I have quite the collection of F&M tea because my mum found it at Williams-Sonoma and keeps buying it for me. She needs to stop; I can’t drink all this tea. So please do visit, everyone, and help me!

      WE’LL HAVE SCONES
      AND JAMMIE DODGERS

      1. London Calling*

        Fortnum and Mason’s anything is my treat. I used to work just around the corner on Pall Mall, I was always in that shop and it could work out quite expensive . Have you tried the Royal Blend or Queen Anne tea?

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, I have both! All of it’s good, but the Earl Grey is simply divine. And they have the prettiest tins. My mum also gave me a tin with a music box in the bottom and some sort of chocolate-covered macadamia biscuits that were FABULOUS. They have really good macarons, too. I bought seven of them last visit and got them all home without breaking even one. :) The best one was the White Champagne flavor, omg.

          I like F&M because I can actually afford stuff there, and the salespeople are not snooty. Not at all. Plus, I don’t have to wear a formal gown to shop there, LOL. I do wish I could afford one of the hampers, though; they’re sooooo nice. Plus, it was the only place I could find a tea cozy–nobody sells them anymore and I wanted one for me and one for my mum.

          And right next door is Hatchard’s Bookshop! \0/

    16. Circus peanuts*

      I have Menieres disease so it absolutely has to be decaf or there will be hell to pay. Since then, decaf coffee has been a rare treat in my life, I perhaps have two a month. I get it in a latte with one shot of raspberry syrup.

    17. Lady Jay*

      Mmm, coffee. Neither of my parents drink coffee, so I was late high school/early college when I started to like it. At first, I just liked the way the words sounded: mocha, cappuccino; the drinks themselves were too bitter. A friend recommended that I start off with McDonald’s cappuccinos, and that did the trick.

      Several years later, in Germany for the summer, I stopped taking sugar in my coffee. Now I drink it very strong, with cream, preferably fresh ground and made in a French press. Weekday mornings, I drink the Cafe Bustelo brand (bright red and yellow cans), which is cheaper and better-tasting than most ground coffee.

      Ironically, I still don’t really like blended coffee drinks: not because they’re too bitter now, but because they’re too sweet.

    18. SophieChotek*

      I admit to liking Starbucks Mocha Frappucino (regular or light); sometimes I add an espresso shot, but usually not.

      I drink Caribou Coffee for regular coffee — I like medium to dark roasts from Caribou. Cream, but no sugar.
      (or every once in a while, an Americano.)

      Sometimes I drink a non-flavored latte.

      In the winter, I drink the occassional hot chocolate from Starbucks or Caribou.

    19. Daisy*

      Love coffee! I’m not very picky – I’ll drink any type included freeze dried.

      My go-to coffee is home made in my plunger with milk and 1 sugar.

      As a treat I love flavoured Starbucks drinks – Christmas flavours are my favourite.

      I drink home made plunger coffee every day, typically 1 cup per weekday and 2-3 cups on weekends. I rarely drink take away coffee, maybe once a month (I live in a super rural area).

      I definitely want to experiment with different brewing techniques though. Just gotta do the research and get the right equipment.

    20. Original Flavored K*

      Medium or dark roasts; preferably local. There’s a monastery near my town that grows their own coffee, and I like to buy a bag. For day-to-day caffeination, I’ll drink anything, and I’m a big drinker of dirty chai. These days, I limit myself to four cups a day, or else my night time anxiety will be unbearable.

      My usual coffee shop order is either a dirty chai + hazelnut or a white chocolate mocha + hazelnut.

  31. Weight loss issues*

    Does anyone have recommendations for an exercise bike? We have limited space so I was looking at this folding bike: Exerpeutic 4100 Gold 500 XLS Foldable Magnetic Upright Bike. It’s a bit pricey though. I’ve also seen a combo bike-elliptical machine. Has anyone tried one? In the past, the issues I’ve had with exercise bikes are an uncomfortable seat and noise, so I’m looking for something quiet and comfy to ride. (It also needs a fairly high weight limit :/)

    Also, has anyone tried the My Fitness Pal app? My doctor said I should try it. I’ve been using it for a couple of days and it seems alright.

    My biggest issue with weight loss seems to be in my head… like there’s this subconscious part of me that doesn’t want to lose weight. When I notice I’ve lost a bit of weight, I get this intense urge to eat until I’ve gained it back. Or with the app, if I see that I’ve hit my calorie requirements for the day, I want to EAT MORE FOOD even though I’m not hungry. I know, therapy… I haven’t had any luck with therapy. I have tried, I really have! Over the last 18 years I’ve seen psychologists, psychiatrists, family physicians, counselors, social workers, family therapists, marriage counselors, grief counselors… I have come to intensely hate therapy. I don’t think I’ll ever willingly seek it out again.

    1. Reba*

      Hm, it sounds like tracking/counting is not helpful for you! I wonder if there are other metrics you could develop around the changes in your body that might avoid that little “eat more” circuit you describe. Humans are often not rational and “optimized” :) Maybe you could journal about how you feel, rather than measuring calories or inches or pounds?

    2. Short & Dumpy*

      I swear, all I have to do is THINK the word ‘diet’ and I’m hungry!

      I do use myfitnesspal & like it a lot but I don’t use it for tracking calories per se, I use to figure out what the lowest calorie but most filling/satisfying foods I can eat are. I plug in my favorite recipes & put in realistic servings per recipe to figure out which ones I should avoid/eat.

      When I’m trying to get weight off, I basically gorge myself constantly on foods that are satisfying but have minimal calories. For example, I’ll saute a packages of sliced baby bella mushrooms in a tiny splash of vermouth/dry sherry in a non-stick pan several times a day (they also re-heat well in the microwave at work. @20 calories per 8 oz package of mushrooms & I feel like I ate something satisfying. I make myself salads in a giant bowl (like the popcorn bowl!) and make my own dressing out of mostly vinegar & herbs. @75 calories in a hard boiled egg, so I chop up one or two of those on the salads and it gives it a creamy, satisfying taste with a healthy chunk of protein. Another favorite when my garden is up & running is to slice eggplant @1/3″ thick, sprinkle with salt & paprika, and toast in a nonstick pan with just a little bit of non-stick spray on each slice (20 calories/cup!) .

      I’ve discovered I get worse cravings for carbs & sugar than I did quitting smoking BUT it only lasts @7-8 days. So I tell myself zero wheat-based or sweetened foods for a week. I’m adamant that I can give up ANYTHING for a week. Then at the end of that week, I don’t want them anymore. Usually. And if I do still want them, I let myself have small portions.

      There are a TON of studies now showing that our bodies really do settle on a number of fat cells and even when they are removed by things like liposuction, your body/brain will try to force them back. Great for surviving famine…not so great in the modern world! I try to use it as a reason to forgive myself for cravings, but not as an excuse not to try. Some days are easier than others!

      I gained a ton of weight (like 70lbs) in just a couple years when I had some big life changes that threw me for a loop…and I was always prone to being Rubenesque. I need to get it off just for health reasons but it sure isn’t easy!

      1. Weight loss issues*

        Thanks for the food suggestions! They all sound really good.

        OMG, I tried to give up sugar and wheat 2 or 3 times and failed miserably every time. The most I made it was 3 days and then I was a desperate, grumpy monster and gave up. Maybe I’ll try again but more gradually.

        Yeah, I’m also built on the large side… wide hips, large bust. I’ve gained around 80 pounds over the years :( I’m so tired of struggling with this, but diabetes runs very strongly in my family. My husband is diabetic and after watching him struggle, I don’t want to go through the same thing. I’m turning 40 in a couple of years, so I feel like now is the time to do this.

        1. Short & Dumpy*

          Have you tried increasing fiber too? It sounds so obvious but it wasn’t something I paid much attention to until my mom started having digestive track issues & her doctor told her she HAD to get at least 25 grams a day. (Younger women are supposed to get even more!) Even eating a ton of fresh fruits, veggies, & whole grains neither one of us was close. I find that when I can actually get that, I don’t even want to think about food. Jicama is the best thing for me to snack on at my desk during the day to get there. If you track for a few days & find out you’re way off, increase GRADUALLY. I made the tactical error of jumping straight there & let’s just say it wasn’t a pleasant adjustment!

          1. Weight loss issues*

            No, I haven’t tried that. My doctor said to eat more vegetables, but didn’t mention fiber. I hear you about about adding it slowly… :) I haven’t tried jicama before.

    3. Odelie*

      I found a folding bike at Aldi of all places. It was around$85 and while it’s not the best, it’ll do for now. (I prefer walking and biking outdoors, but it’s still winter outside so it’s nice to have indoor alternatives.)

      1. Weight loss issues*

        Yep, winter makes biking tough here! Some people do it year round, but I’m definitely not one of them.

  32. Soumy nona*

    I have a question about supporting my husband and his family through a bad time. For the thing we don’t mention on weekends his family on his dad’s side had a business. My husband was the 3rd generation to be there. His sister and cousin’s treatment of an employee (think relevance to the me too movement) led to him suing. He had a strong case and the lawyers for my husband’s family said it was the worst they’ve seen. The business went bankrupt from it. The family is taking it hard and my husband is too. There’s lots of embarrassment because everything is public record and not confidential. His sister and cousin are perpetually playing victims. They both destroyed everything but they think he was at fault and they should have won a lawsuit against him despite the lawyers telling them otherwise. The cousin went so far as to tell people she miscarried when that never happened and she wasn’t pregnant even. I’m sick of them. My husband is taking it hard. He has to look for what we don’t mention on weekends now for the first time. I’ve told him to read here for Alison’s advice but beyond that I’m not good with the emotional stuff. Advice or commiseration would be appreciated. Thanks all.

    1. Reba*

      I don’t know how helpful this is, but what’s happened is a series of devastating, compounding losses–the family legacy, relationships with family members you no longer trust, the job itself. Your spouse and you will grieve for all of these things, and it will just take time.

      So sorry you and your spouse are going through this!

    2. neverjaunty*

      No real advice other than keep up with what you’re probably already doing – let him know you love him and you’re on his side no matter what.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      He has had a lot of losses here. Perhaps reading on grief, the symptoms of grief, the stages of grief and all the different things we grieve would be validating for him. Yes, this is a bfd.
      Perhaps he would get something out of reading stories from people who hit their own depths of despair and climbed out.
      Taking walks is very therapeutic for many reasons. Do you guys take walks together? If no, and this is something doable for you both, please start. I have many stories of couples in crisis who took walks together on a regular basis and they got through their crisis.

      Does he have a friend who has stuck by him through all this mess? If yes, maybe you can encourage him to spend time with his friend. This will give him someone else to talk with, take some of the load off of you and give him ideas that perhaps you would not think of. Finding sincere people is hard, but once we find one that person will generally lead us to more like-minded people.

      He can also join in on the Friday thread and ask specific questions. Heck, lots of people ask on behalf of their SO, if you asked for him no one would bat an eye. Just recently I have seen a couple posters say their lives changed once they started reading here, hey this stuff happens.

      He sounds like he is a good person who got caught in over his head. It happens to good people sometimes. I also see that he has a heck of a spouse. I am quietly optimistic for him and you. As long as one spouse sees there is something salvageable, there is a good chance the other spouse will follow along.

  33. Irish Em*

    Best Snow puns?

    I saw a picture of a snow octopus called Sneachtapus and that just made my week :D

  34. Nonny*

    My sister in law is pregnant! I’m excited for her, I really am. But how do I tell her I don’t want to be nearly as involved with her pregnancy as she wants me to be? She’s sending me weekly updates about baby size and doctors appointments and making a registry. I love my husband and his family, now, but during my pregnancy, no one on his side of the family was particularly supportive, including said SIL, until I was nearly 8 months pregnant. It was a very lonely pregnancy, as I had no friends to talk to about it, and no family close by either.
    It’s been a couple of years and they’ve all been lovely and supportive of me and my little one since. I don’t want to cause a blow out or hard feelings, I just can’t be the level of involved she seems to be looking for. It’s dredging up too many negative feelings.

    1. fposte*

      I think even without past negative thoughts I’d get pretty tired of weekly updates about baby size.

      How is she sending them, though? Can they pass without comment, can you mute her for the duration, or find another way that they don’t take up space for you? Do you see her often enough to have the conversation face to face? Is part of what you want to talk to her about the fact that you’re still sad about how your own pregnancy was handled, or would just getting off the weekly cooing hook be good enough?

    2. Reba*

      The comparison between your pregnancy and hers is very natural but for the sake of the relationship I’d try to separate your (valid!) feelings about your lonely experience from the present annoyance.

      How are you responding to the messages and posts? Along the same lines as fposte’s suggestions, could you taper down your replies to, say, single emojis, or a response a day or more later, and “train” her not to expect instant cheerleading from you? If your relationship is close and you think she would take it in the spirit in which it’s meant, at some point you could have a conversation about it: “What do you want when you send these things” “Here is what I can offer right now”. But it’s possible that she would be put off or offended by bringing this up, even.

    3. Forking Great Username*

      Are these just like update texts/messages she’s sending everyone? Honestly, I would just send some super basic response to them every now and then. Cool, neat, a thumb up emoticon, whatever. I don’t think her sending updates means you really need to be involved or let yourself get so emotionally invested in the updates and the negatives feelings around the comparison.

    4. WellRed*

      If you were first to get pregnant, please understand that she may not have realized ALL THE THINGS until it happened to her. Lots of life things are like that. Second, I am supportive of pregnant friends, etc., but am not the best person to relate to on that stuff. I have no kids for a reason (well, many reasons).

    5. Drama Llama*

      I don’t think you can outright tell her “I don’t want to be involved in your pregnancy” without damaging your relationship. She’s someone you will see for the rest of your life. So it’s not worth creating that much conflict with her because of your (very much valid and understandable) ill feelings.

      I would just respond infrequently: “Sorry, for a late reply! Hope baby is doing well!” Frankly I would find the weekly updates kind of annoying even without the bad memories. I get that it’s exciting and all, but usually the only people with an eager interest in weekly updates are the father of the baby and maybe the grandparents on their first grandchild. So it’s totally okay to not demonstrate enthusiasm about every pregnancy milestone. Don’t feel obliged to get involved with setting up registers, either.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. Set your own pacing and stick to it. Let’s say you decide to answer one post a month. Then that becomes your pacing and you watch the calendar to make sure you stay on target. Delete/ skip everything else.

        It might be helpful to consider the person involved. I have a Person, who was the first person ever to get married and the first person ever to have a child. No one else has ever done these things. Honest.

        Looking at behavior over a period of time might help give you reference points that will be useful to ease your mind. I have come to expect that every life event will be the same, “This has never happened to anyone before me!”
        We can chose to find some pride in our ability to walk alone and still manage to get through stuff. Pat yourself on the back when you start thinking how you were alone so often. You got through it anyway.

        And if you do need help, the right people will help you. This is important to keep in mind, the people we expect to help us, the people who might owe us, are not the ones who end up being the right people to help us.

    6. Marillenbaum*

      With the updates–if they’re emails, you might be able to have them automatically send to a separate folder you can check when you like. If it’s text, you can put her conversation on Do Not Disturb if you have an iPhone (not sure about Android). And mute like crazy on social media!
      I’m sorry this is bringing up painful feelings. Sometimes, it’s really hard to be asked to give things we didn’t get, by the people who didn’t give them to us. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a step back from all her updates and letting your husband handle this stuff (it’s his family, after all).

    7. Blue Eagle*

      What if for every e-mail that she sends you, you send her an e-mail back with a smiley face and “great to hear it”, then send her a paragraph or two on what your child has done that week (couch it in that you are sharing with her what she has to look forward to once her child is born).

      1. fposte*

        I like this–it opens up the possibility of genuinely strengthening the relationship, which could be a nice possibility if you’re open to it.

  35. Snark*

    So, happy post to offset my “OMG LIFE IS A LOT” post above: my dad got me a smoker for my birthday. Making some ribs tomorrow. Good times. It’s an electric smoker, which should get me over the hump of not wanting to endlessly tend a finicky fire. I’ve got a charcoal grill that will smoke if I ever wanna get into that, but I’m kind of liking the “set temp to 225, add chips, eat delicious ribs four hours later” convenience factor. Whee!

    1. Rookie Manager*

      That sounds awesome! My partners birthday is coming up… that might just be the perfect present. Delicious hot fresh ribs! Please feed back on how it goes.

    3. SAHM*

      Oh man! I’ve been wanting a smoker for a while! We have a propane grill and I love it, so easy to just turn it on and throw steaks on-done! But I would love to make proper ribs or even, brisket! Mmmmmm. Congrats!!! Tell us how it works for you!!!

    4. oranges & lemons*

      Oh man, so jealous! I’ve wanted a smoker for ages but I think I’d need a yard first.

  37. I'm A Little TeaPot*

    For the allergy/sinus/ear sufferers out there, ideas? My allergies are kicking up. My sinuses are PISSED from the massive weather swings. And my ears are clogged because of the allergies and sinuses. I tried decongestant (on top of allergy meds), but that actually made things worse because it pissed off my sinuses even more. If I can’t get my right ear to drain, I’m headed for an infection at some point.

    I’m sleeping elevated to help with overall drainage. Ear isn’t getting worse, but also not better. Halp?

    1. PHT*

      Try watered down hydrogen peroxide- just a few drops. You can get it as the over the counter treatment for swimmers ear or make it yourself but it always helps me. Put it in, let it bubble then tilt you head so it drains out.

    2. fposte*

      What decongestant did you use? If it was oral, maybe try a topical. My doctor specifically recommended Afrin to me for sinus stuff and for blocked ears when flying. I take it along with an NSAID, since sinus inflammation starts to interfere with my drainage.

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        Sudafed.

        I can’t do nasal sprays – the stuff ends up in my ears every time. It’s really annoying, because there’s a couple that could really help me, except they screw up my ears. Drs never believe me either, until they talk me into it and I tell them that they’d better magically create an opening in their schedule to treat the ear infection. They believe me when I show up again in a couple weeks with an ear infection. Best guess is there’s something slightly odd in my sinus structure.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, what a pain. Yeah, Sudafed is rough stuff. If you tolerate them, I would at least try throwing an NSAID into the mix to see if it’s helpful to knock back a little of the inflammation.

    3. Anon this time*

      If it’s been going on this long, perhaps it’s time to see an ENT? I’ve worked with them and they’re getting tons of issues like these right now, especially with sinuses.

      One thing they recommended was the NeilMed Sinus Rinse. You can find it most drugstores.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Trick from my chiropractor, which I swear has kept me from getting so many infections this winter:

      Grip the firm part of the cartilage of your ear (the smooth part right outside your ear canal where you can still get a handle on it) and pull very firmly back, up, down, and around, keeping the motion along the line of your head (so not pulling your ear straight out from the side of your head). Yawn as you do this. Then press two fingers behind your earlobe and slide them firmly down along your throat toward the middle of your collar bone (you can use an oil like eucalyptus, diluted in olive oil or coconut oil, to help your fingers slide). Repeat until you feel some relief and/or drainage.

      You can also look up lymphatic drainage self-massage. Works a treat.

    5. This Daydreamer*

      Have you tried a saline spray? It dilutes the mucus and it’s innocuous enough that it might not bug your ears.

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        I have tried them. That’s how we’ve been able to figure out what’s going on – the saline ends up in unexpected places, including my ears. I will sometimes do the saline spray anyway when my sinuses are bad enough.

        Good news is my ear seems a little better today (so far at least). Of course, my asthma blew up out of nowhere, so honestly I’d probably rather have the ear problem! I’m not having a good time with the immune system lately.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      For me I stay away from mucus producing foods/beverages. Milk and OJ are biggies for me.
      I also like willow bark for sinus problems. You can get it at the health food store or some larger grocery stores. It’s the natural equivalent to aspirin, but for me works better than aspirin ever did.

      Make sure your bowels are working, we can get dammed up and then nothing drains.

      Hot packs on your neck or shoulder blades might help you get to sleep.

      You can do a lymphatic massage. Rub behind your ears in the area behind your ear lobe.
      Next rub the corners of your arm pits where your arm pits meet your back and your arm. It might feel tender when you do this, if so that means you found the right spot.
      Ideally you coax someone into doing this for you, but you can still do it on your own.
      Every time I do this, I end up in the bathroom eliminating about an hour later. And then I know that my ear problem is going down.

    7. Gingerblue*

      I only have mild allergies, but I’ve been getting persistent coughs the last couple of winters. Last year I bought a good air filter for the bedroom and saw an immediate improvement in my breathing. If your allergies are triggered by environmental factors like dust, etc. it might be worth a try?

      This one’s mine. It’s expensive, but every week I’m reminded of why it’s worth it when I vacuum the new layer of dust and crud off the filter: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01728NLRG/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

        Mold, pollen, my cat. An air filter probably would help, thanks for the link.

        And watch that cough – sometimes its asthma.

    8. Observer*

      Thyme.

      For a bad bout with your sinuses, take 1/2 ounce – 1 ounce in a bowl and pour boiling water over it. Drape a towel over your head above the bowl (like a steam tent) and breath the steam. Otherwise make a tea with a teaspoon of thyme twice a day.

    9. Odelie*

      I’m sorry that you’re suffering- I feel your pain. I go for allergy shots and it’s still bad. I do a neti pot/sinus rinse. I also have moisturizing drops for my nose and use a humidifier. Decongestants help, but be careful because they can raise your blood pressure.

    10. LBG*

      Chronic sinus sufferer. More than 15 years of constant sinus infections. Polyps are involved. You need to see an ENT to ensure there isn’t something structural involved. Even after surgery to removed the polyps, I still had constant sinus infections. The only thing that works for me is to rinse my sinuses twice a day. Get the Neilmed sinus rinse kit (squeeze bottle and saline packets), use only distilled water (I warm mine up in the microwave). My ENT had prescribed topical steroid solution (budesonide) to add to the rinse to keep the polyps from growing back. I was getting an infection every 6-8 weeks, now I get them 2-3 times a year. Also, too many decongestants can lead to rebound congestion. Even when you aren’t sick, your sinuses swell because they are used to the drugs. Especially Afrin.

  38. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Same exact problem here – my ears get clogged very frequently due to allergies. I’ve gone to three different ear, nose and throat specialists; all three shrugged their shoulders and said because there wasn’t any wax, there wasn’t much they could do. The last one prescribed fluticasone propionate (Flonase), which helps noticeably (but not totally) if I remember to take it every day. Hydrogen peroxide worked a little bit for me, really just very temporarily but it did provide some short-term relief. Every body is different, so good luck.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Oh shoot, I apologize, that was intended as a response for the allergy/sinus/ear sufferer question.

  39. Roker Moose*

    Has anyone rented space at a flea market? I am moving house this summer and whilst I’ve had good luck selling bits and bobs on eBay and poshmark, I’m looking to offload more than just clothing or small household goods. So, has anyone ever gone the flea market route? There’s one not too far from me that is free for selling outside and I’ve been considering it. I’m not expecting to make thousands or anything, just a little bit of return on some of our junk. Thanks!

    1. Earthwalker*

      Yeah, it’s a hoot! If it’s a very big flea market the regulars will mob you as you’re trying to unload the car, hoping to fluster you into a low price on something good that they’ll turn around and sell for more twenty feet away. So it’s helpful to have a friend to dicker while you unload the car and it’s helpful if everything is price tagged before you get there. Be sure to have a cash box with plenty of change. Once you have everything laid out, it tends to be a party atmosphere with way more people looking and chatting and buying than at a garage sale. So it’s fun and busy and a few hours later you’re all done. When it’s over, we have a rule that with few exceptions nothing may go home. It can go to Salvation Army if it’s saleable or to the trash if not. Getting rid of the clutter has always been the objective for us but the amount of cash that comes home has always been startling. We’ve sold Tupper lids without bowls, half fishing rods, and a mixer missing parts (and we told the buyers exactly what was missing.) It’s amazing what people will buy.

  40. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I started taking a new medication for anxiety–a beta blocker–and HOLY CATS I am doing so much better! It doesn’t make me less likely to experience emotions when things happen, but I’m not entering a state of jaw-clenching, heart-pounding panic every time something mildly distressing happens. I’m so excited!

    It does make cardio harder. I am very out of breath biking up hills. All the advice I found online assumes I am taking them for heart problems/high blood pressure and doesn’t really apply to me.

    My parents are visiting this weekend and they are staying somewhere that is not my apartment. Which makes it much less stressful.

    How are you doing?

    1. Red*

      I’m so happy for you about your anxiety!!!

      I’m back to thoughts of self-harm after some upsetting bs, but you know what? I’m proud of myself because I’m not actually going to do it! Whohoo!

      3. BRR*

        That’s awesome! I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it but there’s an app called calm harm that might be worth looking at.

      4. Tiny Crankypants*

        I am very vain. Every time I think of self-harming, I think of how difficult it is for the scars to fade. It seems to work.

        1. Red*

          I am now thinking of how scars have to be a year old in order to tattoo over them nicely. It’s a good deterrent lol

    2. buttercup*

      I’ve heard of beta blockers! I’m intrigued, I must say.

      I’ve had a tough start to the New Year, mental health wise. I feel a little stuck in my life, I feel unable to advance it. I’m someone who goes into periods of disorganization and I forget to do things like clean, cook, and go to the bank. My room currently looks like a literal tornado went through it, and I’ve been eating more expensive, unhealthy takeout than I should be. I left my Saturday open to take care of some cleaning and cooking so I can turn the pattern back around.

    3. NaoNao*

      I had a huge “sober win” (I’m sober) this week,–I won a writing/performance contest while sober (it’s held at a bar and many drink before and after performing) and nailed an interview for a part time “let’s test this out” job I’ll hopefully be working in addition to my current full time job. They scheduled a second interview and all signs point to “they like me, they really really like me!”

      Gorgeous weather today here, finally!

      Only struggles this week have been that I invited a ton of people to my event and only my BF showed up :(

      I just really struggled to make friends here where I live and it’s not getting much better!

    4. Marillenbaum*

      Pretty good this week! It’s a lot sunnier, which HOLY SHIRTBALLS I didn’t realize how lethargic the lack of sunshine was making me. I also started buying myself flowers again, and I’m getting back into knitting. Basically, I’m trying to be more deliberate about including the things I know make me happy, and it’s helping.

    5. BRR*

      I’m on a new anti depressant which I’m responding to well! My anxiety is even better except when I start to think about how my promotion at work keeps getting pushed back it immediately flares up. I already received the raise so that is at least not a battle but I want the title bump that was brought up to me over a year ago. It’s tough to not down all my klonopin.

    6. Tiny Crankypants*

      I am glad the medication is working out for you. I recently saw a therapist and she recommended someone to help me with being uncomfortable with my body. I have CPTSD, and after a bully insinuated I couldn’t dance, I have since been uncomfortable with my body. This yoga practitioner is supposed to help me release any negative emotions and make me feel comfortable with moving again. I hope this works.

    7. Tiny Crankypants*

      I am glad your anxiety is getting better with the help of medication. Hang in there.

      I told my therapist that I cannot learn anything, and she helped me reflect and see that some of the learning environments in had triggers and caused meltdowns. I also told her about my hang ups with moving, and that I cannot do physical activities, especially yoga and even dancing in a club. She then recommended a yoga practitioner who specialises in healing people with trauma (I suffer from CPTSD). I have my first session next week. I’m a little anxious about it.

      1. JaneB*

        I’ve also had good results from beta blockers – yes, they are tiring, but so is being depressed and being constantly anxious! Like you, they don’t affect my thinking, but they reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety markedly. This makes a huge difference for me because if my hind-brain isn’t screaming “I’m dying or something really awful is about to happen! Emergency! Emergency!” because of all the physical/chemical stuff going on, I can make much better use of my mental toolkit, like rational thinking or mindfulness, to get control of things.

        I’d rather be tired than frequently feeling some combination of shaky, nauseous, racing heart, short breath, chills, random pains etc. which come along with anxiety for me. It took some playing around to get the dose to the point where I minimise the tired and other side effects, without much breakthrough of anxiety – but now I have, I have a tiny dose pill (10mg) I can take as a top up if I start to get symptoms in a situation I can’t get out of (e.g. airports, or four-letter-word-we-don’t-discuss-here meetings), but mostly I can remove myself from those situations for ten minutes to get back in control. It’s really helped me use the tools I have, rather than just giving in…

        Tiny Crankypants – my current counsellor struggles to understand that I also have hangups around moving – it’s so good to hear that someone else does and it can be a real thing, that it’s not just me being lazy and trying to rationalise it as a mental health symptom (I have always had weight issues and am currently obese, and eating is my go to solution for everything bad in life… something we’re trying to work on, but…). Maybe I need to read about CPTSD – I was bullied all through school and my weight/height/early physical maturation/minor disability (malformed hip, and by age 15 ligament damage in my lower back and one ankle) made all exercise type contexts particularly hideous, so maybe I have something like that mildly (and my Dad and sister are naturally brilliant at sports and my mum is one of those never-sits-down people, so I got quite a lot of flak for my clumsiness at home too).

        We’re on strike at the moment (UK academic and academic related staff in older universities) and it is SO STRESSFUL! It’s really, really making life hard for me – my “be good” excessive people-pleasing tendencies and my catastrophising tendencies are tearing me up. I want to be a good union member – AND a good employee/support my students – and that’s just impossible. We’re either on strike (very bad employee) or working to contract (SO HARD to just work for 7.5 hours a day, and having to prioritise for yourself because management are just blaming not helping). The dispute is over pension cuts – so the discussion is all around how terrible things will be and old age poverty, which I’m low key constantly worried about (I’m chronically single so completely dependent on myself to cover all bills etc., and the dismantling and selling off of the welfare state over the last 10+ years in the UK has terrified me anyway).

        Basically, I’ve been eating my feelings. Chocolate coated shortbread feelings are surprisingly enjoyable!

        1. Tiny Crankypants*

          OMG how embarrassing — I thought my post didn’t get through the first time and posted twice. Sorry about that.

          Jane B — Sometimes, I eat my feelings too, especially when it comes to chocolate. I try to balance it out by eating yogurt, especially the kind I like. Or bananas. They’re easy to eat . and carry around.

          I also encourage you to read up on it, but I’m not an expert. I was misdiagnosed with anxiety at first, but was so elated when I finally got diagnosed properly with CPTSD. It’s good to read up about it beforehand and see if your symptoms match. I had no idea what it was until my therapist told me, and then, I realised what it was.

          I have had my mental illness invalidated by someone I met in real life, and it really hurt my feelings. I don’t want to impose on anyone, so I stopped posting here for a while. But I am glad I did this today, because everyone is so supportive.

          Thanks for sharing. Best of luck.

  41. Nina*

    Afternoon, all!

    I want to get a nice handbag or a tote. I’m tired of using cheap versions to lug my stuff around, but I know I can’t afford $200 for a Michael Kors. Anyone have any good places or methods to get one for cheaper?

    1. FrontRangeOy*

      eBay or other auction site of preference. Either New with Tags (you’ll pay retail or pretty close to) or used/auction. Avoid New without Tags as it’s a lot harder to be certain you’re not getting a knock off.

      I got $300 worth of Kate Spade for less than $50, including shipping. The wallet just needed some shoe polish to buff out the leather

    2. nep*

      thredUP often has some really nice bags — some like new or new with tags — for decent prices.

    3. Junior Dev*

      I don’t know if this meets your criteria but Target has some really nice bags. I’ve had the one I got there on sale for like $10 for almost a year and it’s holding up.

      You could also look for messenger bags or bicycle bags at bike shops, they’re less fashionable but very sturdy and functional.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I got a gorgeous, basically new Michael Kors on tradesy for less than $100. And I’m a big fan of consignment stores and winners/goodwill. You can bid on stuff online for goodwill!

    5. neverjaunty*

      Keep an eye on discount sites like RueLaLa and Haute Look – they sometimes have flash sales with massive discounts.

    6. Little Paws*

      I’m a Michael Kors junkie! I wait until they are on sale at Macys. 6pm.com is another decent option. Also, Steve Madden has some really nice bags, with a much lower price tag! I have way too many Kors bags laying around (wish there was a way to PM each other, I’d sell you one of my barely used ones for really really cheap! I need to get rid of some!) but I have taken a break from buying Kors and have been buying Steve Madden. Worth checking out! I get 99% of my stuff from Macys and sometimes 6pm.com for designer bags. I’m just paranoid about paying $$ on eBay and being sent a fake one, you know? Good luck with your search! :)

    7. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I would go with Poshmark or TJ Maxx. TJM has a lot of Kate Spade & MK, but it’s 99% of the time outlet. I personally find that the Guess and Calvin Klein they carry are of better quality than the name brand outlet pieces. If you have a Burke’s, they often have a wide selection, but the quality is hit or miss. Ross too, anything in the Guess/Steve Madden range is often pretty dependable.

    8. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Are you near a TJMaxx? They often have nice leather bags on discount, especially if it’s leather bag that isn’t a known brand name. It can really vary by TJMaxx, but the ones near me usually have a pretty big selection. And you get to handle them in person, which can tell you a lot about the quality of the bag.

    9. Book Lover*

      I am just starting to look for myself! Michael Kors looks nice but yes, pricey. There are outlets though. Coach has sales and outlets. Kate Spade has good sales and cute things. Vera Bradley has some nice leather handbags. I think eBay but with caution for fakes….

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I like to check discount shops like the ones that sell department store remainders and irregulars. You have to keep looking on a regular basis, however, and check items very carefully for damage. Outlets might also be a good option. I haven’t been to the ones in Branson, but people keep telling me they’re great.

    11. Ann Furthermore*

      My favorite purses are Harvey’s seatbelt bags. They are just what they sound like: bags made out of seatbelts. I have one that’s about 10 years old and it looks almost brand new, and I am hard on stuff. It’s the large satchel and you can really fit alot of stuff in it even though it’s not that large.

      About 6 months ago I got another one, this one a cross-body, and I absolutely love it.

      They’re not cheap but they are indestructible and last forever.

  42. Gala apple*

    How long does food keep in the fridge/freezer after the power is out? Is there anything that’s ok to keep (condiments, ferments)?

    We lost power yesterday at 2:30 with the wind, and it’s still out now. I haven’t actually been home, but outdoor temps are in the 40s/50s. Thanks!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      If you’re managing to not open the door, I would just go by smell test once the power is back. Lots of stuff (condiments, vegetables) would be fine on your counter if you lived where shopping every couple of days was the norm. (After visiting friends in Maine we started keeping a stick of butter on the counter; jam and mustard are also fine.)

    3. Overeducated*

      We tossed milk, salad greens, herbs, and older leftovers, ate up the meat last night, and kept most other stuff like condiments, eggs, cheese, and hearty vegetables. Haven’t opened the freezer, just assuming everything is ok since we only lost power for under 24 hours.

    4. Someone else*

      If you haven’t opened the fridge at all, most stuff is probably OK for up to 6 hours. Freezer should be OK for 24-48 depending on how full it was and how cold it was set to. So I’d probably toss the stuff in your fridge but the freezer stuff is probably still good.
      If you’ve opened either in the meantime, it’s a lot harder to say but definitely those times are decreased.

    6. Awkward Interviewee*

      For what it’s worth, our power just came back on after being out for about 28 hours, and the freezer food is still quite frozen. We’ll have to toss most of the fridge food, sadly.

  43. cheluzal*

    It’s my baby shower today!
    This is my first–and last–child. I’ll be 41 next month, we conceived naturally, and it has been hell on me, this pregnancy. Just want to meet this little dude and start a new chapter in life. Excited to see friends and family and celebrate the last grandchild on both sides of the family.

    3. Mrs. Fenris*

      Congratulations! I was a somewhat older mom too, had my daughter at age 36. It was a little harder physically, but I think it made so many things emotionally easier to handle. You may find as your child gets older that a lot of their friends’ moms are MUCH younger than you. :-)

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      Congratulations!! I was 41 when I had my daughter. She turned 9 last month. I also had some complications with my pregnancy so I feel for you.

      I think there are advantages to being an “older” mom, even with the one big disadvantage of not having the energy you did in your 20’s. The biggest one for me is that I really appreciate the little things more. I think it’s because I knew this was the only child I was ever going to have, so I want to make the most of my time with her. So when, say, she wants to snuggle sometimes in the morning when I should really be getting ready for work, more often than not I’ll indulge her, because I know there will come a time when she doesn’t want to do that anymore, so I’m enjoying it while I can. I don’t do it every time, I’m not some kind of selfless saint.

      Enjoy your new baby and being a mom! For me it’s been an unpredictable adventure and not at all what I thought it would be, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

    6. it's all good*

      How exciting and fun! I had my second at 40, and it was tough like yours. But it’s all good, congratulations!

    7. Ann Furthermore*

      Oh…. the one thing I don’t like is people asking if I’m Mom or Grandma. Ugh. It’s only happened twice though, and once it was asked by one of my daughter’s friends at school. To a 3rd grader anyone over the age of 20 is ancient, so I’m not really sure that one counts.

  44. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    I found out today from a neighbor that one of my other neighbors has been diagnosed with cancer. From what neighbor A said it’s not looking good, and neighbor B has apparently been in the hospital for a week or more.

    So, I want to write a little card or note, but I’m struggling with finding a way to say “thanks for being a good neighbor” without it sounding too morbid or inappropriately cheerful. In the past she has looked after my house when I’ve been away and has generally been friendly so I want to say something, but given that it seems terminal I don’t want to say “get well soon” or stuff like that.

    Any suggestions?

    1. fposte*

      I just had to do something similar. Can you mention that you miss her around the neighborhood and you hope they’re taking good care of her? If you have a nice shared memory to offer that might be welcome too.

    2. Working Class Dog*

      You could start with something such as “I was thinking about the many people I appreciate having in my life and realized it would be nice to tell them so.” From there you can offer a few lines expressing why you appreciate her. I envision the tone being similar to a thank you note if that makes sense. This makes it more about your gratitude rather than her situation.

    3. Jenn*

      Even just saying that you’re thinking of them means a lot in the hospital, very kind of you to reach out

  45. Audiophile*

    I have no power.

    Despite the fact that it’s actually nice out, almost 50° where I am. The winds are awful and so it’s pretty cold, power may be back sometime Monday.

    I just finished my laundry, but I’m not sure I’ll actually go to work on Monday, if the power isn’t back yet.

  46. super anon*

    I recently found Esther Perel’s “Where Should We Begin…” podcast and I’ve been obsessed with it! Each ~50min episode is a deep dive into a couples therapy session with Perel, and I always come out of it with a plethora of quotes and ideas to apply to my own life. The first season is free on Apple Podcasts, but the second is only available on Audible right now.

    If you like podcasts and self-help type stuff, I highly recommend it.

    2. Reba*

      This podcast is BANANA PANTS SO INTENSE but it is really good. Esther Perel is pretty great– I read a review of her book that described her as a kind of literary critic of people, and I thought that was so apt. She interprets what people say and helps them shape their life narratives.

      First heard about her when she did the book-promotion rounds on other podcasts I listen to, like Note to Self.

  47. Overeducated*

    Did anyone else on the east coast have an exciting weather weekend? I hope you are safe and warm if so! Share stories/thanks/complaints here.

    My office closed and I couldn’t even telework because my neighborhood lost power all day yesterday. Looked like some trees went down, including into the window of a house on the corner, eek. I was mostly stuck in the house because my kid was sick and probably contagious. It was a very boring day, but the power came back around 2 am so that’s fortunate. Then a ton of fire trucks and police cars showed up at my complex soon after, but it was a false alarm due to a smoke detector coming back online, everything was ok. Now it is lovely and sunny out, but one of my coworkers lost power this morning instead.

    1. hermit crab*

      Yikes, you had a lot going on! We had lots of power outages in the area (near DC), but the lights in our immediate neighborhood stayed on thanks to some heavy duty infrastructure repair work done after the 2012 derecho (when I was without power for five full days. in 100-degree heat. with houseguests, who I am amazingly still friends with somehow). Plus Hubs is a fed so he got a free day off, and for me there were fewer people than usual in the office, which meant I got first dibs at leftovers from a fancy catered meeting. :)

      We just went for a walk and saw a lot of things that had been blown around – lots of shingles, pieces of street signs, metal panels from… something big, magazines, windchimes… I picked up some stuff and put it on people’s stoops etc. but who knows if I was returning them to the right place!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      The organizer for my writing group (who is also my current beta reader) was supposed to go to Maine this weekend and she got stuck in Pennsylvania for two days. Bleah.

    3. Oxford Coma*

      Posted this already below, but during my commute home on Friday I had to abandon my car in a drift, walk to a police station, and get taken to a shelter for the night. There were dozens of adults, small children, and several dogs in a rec center with no running water. The smell was insane.

      Walking in 50+ mph wind is interesting. At times I was leaning forward like in a Michal Jackson video, because the wind was holding me up. I was knocked down face-first a few times, and have a jacked-up knee to show for it. One woman was blown into the door of the rec center as she was struggling to get the door open to enter, and knocked out a tooth.

    4. Elf*

      We are fine at our house, but my mother in law and her mother have no power so they are camping in my house for and unknown period (might be as much as a week). This – is not good. My mother in law hates my guts (not my imagination, my husband would agree).

  48. Junior Dev*

    I don’t need advice, just to vent.

    One of my good friends is going through a hard time and being moody and not wanting to hang out the way we did before and he won’t talk to me about it. I know everyone handles things in their own way and I need to let him work things out in his own time. I just need to suppress the urge to, like, grab him and shake him and yell “YOU CAN TELL ME STUFF IT’S OK.” So yeah. I want to fix things, but I know rationally the best thing I can do is let him have his space. It’s just hard.

    2. Casuan*

      Yeah. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
      This is horrible & I’ve been dealing with this myself. For me, it’s difficult to decipher when to stop saying that I’m there if & when needed. Finally I realised that a good friend should know this so I resist the urge to remind them.
      Hopefully your friend knows the same of you!

  49. RJGM*

    Display names!

    How did you choose yours? Do you use it elsewhere? Is there another commenter whose name you love or are jealous of? If you had to change your display name, what would you change it to?

    Mine’s just my initials, of course. I don’t use it elsewhere, but I usually use other variations of my full name.

    The names Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Countess Boochie Flagrante crack me up every time, especially since they’re always paired with such lovely, insightful comments. And I’ve thought of changing my name to Sadie Doyle, since I’ve seen Frank around recently…

    (I always miss the open thread, so please forgive me if this has been done before! I saw the discussion about nicknames-for-your-nicknames recently [I think from Snark?] and it inspired this one.) :)

    1. Overeducated*

      My display name was originally “Overeducated and underemployed,” which was the problem I was facing when I started posting. I shortened it when I got a better job. I now dislike it and want to change it but haven’t thought of a new one, so I’m curious how people picked theirs, and strongly considering following the favorite character trend.

    2. caledonia*

      Mine used to be my first name plus country but I wanted to anon it more so I’ve gone with caledonia (Scotland which is where I live). I do not use this any other place on the internet – I use another Scottish name elsewhere – a West Wing reference or a long favourite book title.

      Sometimes when I want to be more anon I use various TV series names from whatever I’ve recently been watching.

    6. Marillenbaum*

      Mine is sort of twofold: “Marillenbaum” is Austrian German for “apricot tree”. I lived in Austria for a year on my Fulbright, and growing up Mormon, there’s a children’s song called “Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree” that I always loved as a kid. Even though I’m Stateside (and a Unitarian Universalist) now, I like how it combines both things that are important to me.

    7. Red*

      I was given mine, actually! It’s a nickname from work, because of my fire engine-like hair. I guess if I had to change it I would probably choose Andromeda. It’s the screen name I chose when I didn’t want my parents to find my Live Journal way back when I had a Live Journal and gave two turds what my parents thought about such things. It’s been so long I honestly don’t know how I chose it, unfortunately.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve had a few of them on and off. I originally started with a nickname I’ve had for years that I use in many places online, but two other people had the same or similar nicknames, so I’ve changed it a couple of times. Miss Pantalones en Fuego was just something that was in a comment that struck me as funny, so I adopted it in place of my previous more depressing name.

    9. Rookie Manager*

      The first time I posted on here it was in response to a question about new managers, which i was. I don’t use it anywhere else and I’m not that rookie anymore. Definitely thinking of changing too.

    10. Like Feathers*

      Non-goth, non-offensive song from my Spotify library- Like Feathers by Me The Tiger.

    11. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I was in the midst of watching television as I was commenting, and the preview for Todd Chrisley Knows Best popped up, and I just went with it. Pretty sure now everyone thinks I’m a dude. I’ve considered changing it but I’m lazy and unoriginal. :-)

    12. BunnyWatsonToo*

      I commented occasionally a while back under a different name that was job-related. When I started posting again, someone else was using that name. So I switched to a character name from my favorite Tracy-Hepburn movie.

    13. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Mine is the tile of a Hives song. Since I work in academia, the lyrics make me laugh, even more considering the original Hives delivery.

    14. Dr. KMnO4*

      KMnO4 is my favorite compound, and I have my PhD, so I’m Dr. KMnO4. I do use it elsewhere, though there aren’t that many places I comment. If I had to change it I’d probably go with a character name, maybe LotR themed.

    15. Parenthetically*

      Mine’s a simpler version of a name I used on The Hairpin and The Toast (RIP) — I opened the nearest book and picked a phrase from the page I opened to, because I couldn’t be bothered thinking about it, and it stuck.

    16. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m a big fan of the show Leverage. My next set of cats will be Nate and Sophie, or Parker and Hardison, or Elliot and Hardison. I may just get 5 cats.

    17. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      Mine is because I was stuck. And also because I TOTALLY want to be a Disney princess. The hair alone! Plus I wouldn’t turn down adorable woodland creatures helping me with housework.

      This is the only place I use this one. The one that I use the most is way too easy to ID me with (and has also been hacked recently sooooo it’s been retired).

    18. Expert Camelid Midwife*

      This current one was in response to Alison using “Llama Midwife” as a job description in a letter this week.
      I have a couple names, one is a character in a book series I loved. I don’t comment regularly enough to want to maintain the same name for recognition purposes, but I cycle through a small handful of names that make me laugh for one reason or another or feel clever to me.

    19. Mrs. Fenris*

      Mine is in honor of my husband’s gamer name, Fenris. I’m a little annoyed at myself for starting it now. I have another name with a couple of variants that I use other places, going all the way back to my original AOL name, so I should probably burst forth with it eventually.

    21. SophieChotek*

      Mine is historical – since I am obsessed with the Great War (1914-1918) and Austro-Hungarian monarchy.

    22. SophieChotek*

      I like the Lady Cordelia Vorskogian one. I kind of want to steal that one – but i’d actually probably go for Ekaterin, if I was going to do the Bujold Vorskogian universe.

      Darn, there are other literary/theater/film references ones I like too – but I tend to perk up just when I see them, but can’t remember them now.

    23. Tabby Baltimore*

      Mine’s my “porn name” (first name=name of first pet, last name=a street name lived on as a child).

    24. HannahS*

      I initially intended to make HannahS my internet name (I just like the name Hannah), and I did use it a bit to comment on blogs, but once I decided to start my own blog (…this did not come to fruition) I wanted something more similar than my real name: Hebrew first, Yiddish last. So I use that other name as my instagram handle and for commenting on blogs in the online sewing/knitting community, and if I ever start a blog (hope springs eternal) I’ll use that. HannahS exists only on AAM!

    25. Oxford Coma*

      I am a fan of both exacting punctuation and silly word play. I also enjoy the idea of someone wondering if I made a typo, and the “Alanis irony” therein.

    26. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I wanted something different from my usual username elsewhere and gender neutral, had recently played Mass Effect: Andromeda when I started commenting, and though they’re not actually my favorite character in MEA (I’m more intrigued by the Ryder sibling who didn’t become Pathfinder), the thought of poor Pathfinder Ryder writing in for advice on the awkward and terrible situations they face in their work amused me.

    27. Paquita*

      Mine is what the teacher called me in Spanish class in college. If I changed it I think I would go with Alianne. (Just finished Tricksters Choice and Tricksters Queen, thanks to Keladry of Mindelan for introducing me to Tamora Pierce. Now I need to go back and read the Lioness books.)

    28. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Aww, thank you!

      I’ve gone through a couple display names before I settled on this one — previously, I used a variant spelling of a family name, and before that a shortened version of my actual name. I got this one from the Star Wars version of a meme that cracked me up, and decided it was so fun and distinctive that I was going to keep it. (Which is also why my Gravatar is the dumbest Anakin Skywalker face I could find!)

      (Not sure if images link properly, but link to the meme in my username)

  50. Lily Evans*

    I know facebook algorithms are just automated and aren’t purposely trying to make me feel bad, but logging in today to a greeting about how it’s my “friendversary” with someone I used to be really close to but don’t really talk to anymore just feels like a slap in the face. Thanks facebook, for reminding me about my friendship with this person who continuously flakes out on plans and ignored my birthday (in spite of having been invited to my party, and finding the time to upload pictures of the trip she was on with her new friends)!

    Also there are both personal and work related reasons why I can’t completely delete my account. But I did remove the app from my phone for now, and it feels good not to be tempted to check in with it constantly.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I know facebook algorithms are just automated and aren’t purposely trying to make me feel bad

      Sometimes they are automated to make you feel bad, though. Facebook engages in psychological test studies.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          It sounds like par for the course for Facebook. When memories like these appear, you can press a button that says “Show me less of these” (memories), and Facebook gives you an empty apology and keeps showing just as many memories. I think it’s just an evil company, to be honest. Unfortunately for me, it’s literally the only way I can keep up with my family and friends as most of them practically live on Facebook.

        2. Lily Evans*

          Yikes. I try not to feed it too much information, but I don’t even want to know how much they pull from other sites I use.

          1. Triple Anon*

            Not just other sites. If you have a smart phone, they might also be getting some content from or about your text messages. If you buy things using a credit card, they tend to get that too. More so if it’s at a major retailer. And it’s not limited to your own actions. They also track data that other people share about you. It’s hard to control all of that and place limits on it. Those companies have a lot of economic and therefore political power, and the technology is outpacing the public’s awareness of it and the speed at which laws are passed in a traditional democracy. Interesting times.

      2. Triple Anon*

        Exactly. They are automated to push your buttons. Negative emotions are more addictive than positive ones, unfortunately. So if you provoke people, they’ll engage more, share more data that you can then sell, and view more ads. That’s the business in a nutshell.

    2. Simone R*

      That sucks, I’m sorry.

      If this helps, you can remove people from your facebook memories! I have it set to not show me anything about my ex, and if someone I didn’t want to know about comes up, I’ll set it to block them too.

    3. Mrs. Fenris*

      Yeah, Facebook is pretty fun in that regard. I have a couple of ex-friends that came up like that, plus the “We thought you’d like to see this” with a picture of my dog the day I did emergency cancer surgery on her. (She survived the surgery but died from the cancer, 10 days later.)

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I would LOVE to delete mine but I have too many far-flung peeps who aren’t on other social media platforms to do it. I did vow that if I become famous, it’s gone (ahahahaahaha like that will happen). They can just make a Twitter account and follow me and then DM me. Or email.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I agree – and had similar thoughts. (Like what if i become famous…yeah, right, as if…I shall live and die in obscurity.)

    5. Lady Jay*

      One thing that helps make Facebook a better space is getting yourself added to a bunch of groups for things you like. I have a couple home hobby groups, one for work, and a few hiking groups – due to where I live/how busy my life is right now, I’m not able to take involved hiking groups, but seeing the pictures that people took out hiking (nature!) is lovely. I’d say only 40-50% of my FB feed is actually people I know IRL; mostly it’s my groups.

      And it’s a great alternative to yet another baby post, or political post.

    6. Cheshire Cat*

      You can set your preferences not to show memories between certain dates (that you set). The first memory they showed me was about my father’s funeral the previous year—not that I needed a reminder of that! I set the dates from before I joined Facebook to the end of … next year, I think. I’m much happier without the reminders.

    7. Starley*

      Yeah, I can’t delete my account because the last time I deactivated I didn’t hear from my family for months. Like, a grandparent was hospitalized for pneumonia at one point and I had no idea, because they’d only told people on FB. That’s its own issue, but I uninstalled it from my phone as well, and that’s helped a lot. The new thing FB is doing to make me miserable is letting me know that the birthday of a family member who passed away last fall is coming up next week. So for the last couple of weeks, I keep getting notifications asking me if I want to organize an event for it. Like… just stop, Facebook. Stop.

    8. Betsy*

      I understand. I sometimes feel petty because so many people share those ‘you have been friends with Jane for seven years’ posts, and whenever Fb alerts me to the fact I have been friends with Fergus or whoever for a certain amount of time it’s never about anyone I have a meaningful relationship with. So I feel like everyone’s celebrating their close friendships all the time and saying how much their friends mean to them, but no one does this about me.

      I like to think of myself as being quite funny, so the real solace was that I’d get a lot of likes on some of my posts, but then they changed the algorithms and now I seem to get hardly any.

  51. Anon but not alone*

    I don’t know if this is more of a work or relationship oriented question (Alison, if I guessed wrong sorry, everyone ignore)…but how do you find the right balance of support for a partner who is unemployed when you don’t want them to feel worse, but for the near term financial stability of both of you, they REALLY need to get past feelings of inadequacy, failure, fear, etc. that seem to be making them avoid actually putting themselves out there? If anyone has been through this before, how did you navigate the emotional side of things?

    1. hermit crab*

      Ooof, yeah, I’ve been there. My husband was unemployed for about a year and it took a heavy emotional toll. Unfortunately, I have very little advice, because he sort of magically got a great job a few months ago (I hope that happens for your partner too!) and before that, I was struggling really hard with the exact same things you mentioned. I just asked Hubs what I could have done better to support him, in retrospect, and he thought about it for a while and said “I don’t think there’s anything you could have done that would have actually worked.” :-/

      So I guess I don’t have any advice, but I definitely empathize and I hope things get better soon!

    2. Sheep*

      I’m there… The husband has been out of work since June last year. He’s recently been diagnosed with depression (not a surprise), but doesn’t want meds or therapy. He does do some housework every day, but not enough. He spends hours playing computer games. He has applied to maybe 3 jobs since June, and then after lots of nagging from me.

      I don’t have any advice, just solidarity and sympathy.

  52. Wendy Darling*

    I have back/sciatic nerve pain that isn’t letting me sleep. I have legit tried everything. Went to my doctor and got prescription anti-inflammatories (which make me feel great during the day! but laying down still sucks). Heating pad. Ice pack. Elevating my knees while laying on my back. Elevating my top knee while laying on my side. Laying on my front. Sleeping on the (firmer) couch. Muscle relaxants. Physical therapy exercises. Nothing works! I haven’t slept through the night in a week.

    I’m about to go back to my doctor on Monday and be like “I don’t care what you have to do but I need you to make it so I can sleep”. I like sleep. I miss it.

    1. fposte*

      Sounds like the medical game needs to be stepped up here–I’d look for a spine specialist and ask about getting an MRI, since you’ve had sustained back and sciatic nerve pain that hasn’t responded to PT. PT is also really variable–McKenzie back exercises are a different approach that usually you’re not going to get through a regular PT, for instance. I’m also not seeing any words like foam rollers, tennis balls, piriformis, that should be in the mix here.

    2. Big Person*

      Been there, done that! It sucks. But it sounds like you have done everything I would have suggested. I recently suffered with it for a couple of months. The muscle relaxants and Tylenol 3 were the most helpful, but it still took a long time. I didn’t sleep the night through, but at least I did get some sleep.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      The only thing that helped mine was orthotics. I tried all the same stuff as you and finally got a prescription for orthotics, and I feel so much better.

    4. Mm Hmm*

      Have you tried soft tissue bodywork? My PT then my massage therapist each used cranio-sacral therapy. Bought huge increases in comfort, range of motion, & flexibility. Also suggested things to do at home, along the lines fposte mentioned.
      Hope you find relief soon.

    5. NJ Anon*

      Had horrible sciatica, nothing helped. Had an MRI whuch showed a herniated disk. I ended up having surgery. It was a sucess and I feel fine now.

    6. Jenn*

      You’ve probably already explored this, but a new mattress can sometimes help if some of the pain is from position or pressure

      1. Wendy Darling*

        My mattress is a disaster, I actually have a new one coming on Tuesday. It’s just surviving until Tuesday…

    7. Observer*

      I know that everyone keeps going on about how firm mattresses are the best thing for your back, but it’s not always the case. See if a less firm mattress helps. It made a HUGE difference for me.

      Also, a physical therapist – not just the exercises, but also ultrasound and / or a TENS unit. And, the better therapy places have equipment that you just don’t have at home.

      1. Abelard*

        THIS.
        I can’t use firm mattresses at all. I have a probably middle of the road firmness mattress and a 3 inch thick egg-crate foam topper.

      2. ..Kat..*

        In the US, you can now get basic TENS units over the counter. Lidocaine patches and creams, too.
        CAUTION: lidocaine numbs, but is also a cardiac medication. Use according to directions. See your physician before using if you have heart problems.

      3. Wendy Darling*

        My mattress is actually kind of a wreck even though it’s only ~5 years old. It has a massive saggy spots where we sleep and is horribly unsupportive now. :(

    8. Abelard*

      Have you tried sleeping propped up on an incline or in a recliner? When I have some of my worst back pain the only comfortable position is mostly vertical. This of course may not be workable at all for you depending on if you have severe pain sitting as well, but something to try if it is a possibility.

    10. Kuododi*

      According to my internist….Salonpas patches (OTC) are actually perscription strength……need to use 12 hrs on and 12hrs off. Definitely check with MD before use particularly if cardiac issues are of concern. Best wishes from another back pain sufferer.

    11. Kuododi*

      My pain management Dr has me on a perscription pain cream that has to be mixed at a compounding pharmacy. Stuff is fantastic!! Has probably 8-10 medication in the mix such as lidocane, Flexeril etc. (Frankly I don’t remember all of the ingredients at the moment.) The beauty of the thing is that because it is applied to the skin, there isn’t any sedating effects. Essentially it is a jacked up form of Ben Gay. Just rub a small amount on affected area as needed. Make sure to wash hands with soap and water after or it will transfer all over the place and then there is the risk of toxicity.

    12. LBG*

      The only thing that worked for me were the steroid shots directly into the area where I had the herniated disc. My spine specialist administered the shots with X-ray guidance to get the stuff right where it needed to go. That was 10 years ago, and while it still acts up, I don’t have the excruciating pain, nor do I get the foot drop any more.

  53. Let's climb again*

    I’m wondering if anyone’s got any advice for powering through things that scare you.
    I started climbing regularly last year and, despite a fear of heights, I love it. About a month ago though, I was ill with the not-quite-flu that was going around and it completely knocked me for six. And it seems to have given my confidence in my climbing a hit as well. I’m back to full strength now but I’ve started having what I can only think are mini panic attacks while doing some of the more interesting stuff. I’m getting to the overhang or tough move and my breathing goes up and my leg or arm shakes uncontrollably meaning I have to come down. I’ve never experienced anything like it before and it’s frustrating me no end.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to push past this? Or to combat the symptoms when they start but before they take hold?

        1. Let's climb again*

          Indoors at the minute. I’m going to be doing some falls practice with one of the instructors which will hopefully help but it’s going to be a few weeks before I can do that.

    2. Casuan*

      Indoors.
      Logic out your fears. Think of the worst-case scenario & logic that out.
      It’s a safe environment, so that’s your safety phrase here.

      questions are rhetorical, although reply at will :)

      What is your goal here?
      To be panic-free sounds good, although it might not be feasible for you. You might need to get comfortable with the idea that you might not always be totally panic-free when you climb. This can actually be a good thing & help to keep you alert & safe.
      When you can focus more on the climb than the panic… that could be your goal now.

      Do you know what specifically is causing your panic? You said fear of heights. Do you know why you fear heights?
      Before you climb, can you take a few minutes to think of what can go wrong & how things would be if they did snafu?
      You’re indoors. You’re safe.
      There isn’t any wind, rain, or extreme temperatures nor are there unwanted creatures around. [& If there are any of these things, where is this freaky indoor climbing area?!?]
      There are others there to help you.
      If you fall, you’re in a harness that will keep you safe.
      If there is an accident, probably it would be limited to a sprain or a simple break. There are people there to call emergency services & these services are probably not too far away.

      Take control of your equipment so you know that it’s in order. Ask to inspect the connections & the harness. If you already do this then try to keep confidence that you & at least one other have checked out the equipment.

      This might help if you think about some of these things several times during the course of your day, not just pre-climb.
      You’re indoors & in a safe environment.

      Also! As you keep climbing, your confidence should grow.
      Hopefully some of this helps you.
      Congrats on climbing!!

    3. Anon attorney*

      I’m not a climber, but in general, I think that a focus on breathing can be really helpful in moments of high stress. Not only does concentrating on your breathing give your brain something else to do , but certain patterns of breathing will activate the parasympathetic nervous system and counteract the fight or flight response that seems to be happening here. You might want to Google for yoga or mindfulness breathing exercises?

    4. TL -*

      The thing I tell myself is that the mountain (or rock wall) will always be there tomorrow. So I can try and fail and it’s okay.

      1. anonagain*

        Is it possible that you aren’t fully recovered yet? I know I need to work my way back up very, very gradually after an acute illness. A month ago might not be enough time to be fully back to your peak performance at something as demanding as climbing.

    5. Short & Dumpy*

      If you were that sick only a month ago, it may very well be that you are pushing too hard too soon still & this is your body telling you it needs a gentler return.

      I learned this the hard way coming back to riding from pneumonia. (And ended up in the arena dirt from not listening to the signs that my body wasn’t as strong as I thought it should be when I started up again!)

    6. PX*

      Dont be afraid to stop (or block as its referred to in my part of the world) and take a minute. You can either sit in your harness and take a proper break, or try and stay on the route but take a few moments to shake out and focus on your breathing. If you can, try and clear your mind to focus only on the next few moves ahead of you. Think really hard about the next few sequences you need to execute and just focus on that.

      Fall practise is probably a good thing as well, but for me – leg shakes are a normal part of climbing if I havent been in a while, am trying something hard or something new and scary. My very first outdoor experience involved a lot of leg shakes! But for me personally, I found I can climb through them – which makes getting to the top that much sweeter!

      Good luck and let us know how it goes!

  54. harley*

    Hey everyone, I just wanted to give an update about my dogs (because something new happened today) and to share some photos (because who doesn’t like dog photos). First off, I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who gave advice and support since I showed up here with my anxious dog’s issue, and said such nice things when I brought the new guy home from the shelter. I don’t always comment on posts throughout the week, but I do always read the comments and feel like I know y’all a little bit, if that doesn’t sound too creepy, so it means a lot that you guys were so supportive to someone who doesn’t participate all the time :)

    Anyway, things are still going well, all is quiet and the dogs are happy, they wear each other out every day and Winona continues to be so much calmer than she’s been since my first dog passed (turns out she’s still weird about the phone, but she does have a legit reason for it and it upsets me a lot less now that she’s chilled out in other areas). Something super unnerving happened today, though. They were in the front yard this morning and I was inside, and suddenly I heard them going wild, but before I could get out there, Sam came charging in to basically lead me outside. This older guy was at the gate, and when I got closer I realized that something was pretty off with him, and he got really aggressive when he saw me. Like he’d already been pushing his hands through the gate and teasing the dogs, but then he asked me if they bite, told me they were talking to him, started yelling some pretty explicit stuff at me and refused to leave when I told him to. He finally wandered off when I said I’d call the cops, and even then he doubled back after crossing the street to yell some more. Winona refused to leave the fenceline until he was truly gone, and Sam was glued to my side the whole time (still is). I had to call again half an hour later when he came around to the back of the house and was staring into the backyard, Winona was going nuts again and Sam did his best to get me outside to see. Obviously not an ideal situation all around, but I was somehow really relieved to see the dogs working together to guard the house, that Sam’s settled in enough to be protective of me, and that he has the instinct to come and alert me when something’s not right.

    I’ll comment to this with some photos, since I know that’s what y’all are waiting for :)

    1. harley*

      Winona giving me the loving, happy eyes: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/27580403_409450616145172_4292364734797185024_n.jpg

      Sam sleeping: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/27880565_1976620399270514_7108492327412301824_n.jpg

      BOOP: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/27881408_343096712845313_9129590210470871040_n.jpg

      Winona and Sam (showing off his new tag): https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/27880040_188449445244054_1122563821060227072_n.jpg

      Practicing his side-eye: https://instagram.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/28157237_186738715267657_4516027673587220480_n.jpg

      1. Rogue*

        No good about the weirdo guy, but glad to hear your doggos did their job! Good doggos! They’re so pretty I just want to hoop their snoots!

    2. Turtlewings*

      *high-pitched noises* They are beautiful! And ugh, sorry you had to deal with Weird Intruder Man, but yeah it is pretty awesome that your dogs are so on the ball.

      1. a day at the zoo*

        Believe your dog’s’ instincts. If they freaked, there was a good reason.

        Get a “Beware of Dog” and “No Trepassing” sign for your yard.

        With those signs, you protect your dogs if someone comes into
        your yard or teases them and they nip.

        With those signs, you can call the cops and get the guy arrested. Without them, you have no grounds.

        We had four dogs and a trespasser was jumped on. We were sued but settled. The cops told us it was a scam but we did not have signs. If we had another incident in our area without a sign, the fog would be put down.

        1. fposte*

          What a Beware of Dog sign does for you varies by jurisdiction–and by insurance company. In at least one state it apparently *raises* your liability because it indicates you knew the dog had a propensity for aggression, and there are certainly places where the cops will come out if a guy is yelling into your backyard and claiming that your dogs are talking to him (!) no matter what kind of sign you have. So check with a liability-informed lawyer, preferably one familiar with animal stuff, in your own jurisdiction before taking any action in hope of legally protecting your dogs.

          1. harley*

            @fposte Oh wow, I didn’t know that about the signs? I have one in the back because it was there when I moved in and I figured since I had a dog, I might as well keep it up, but I’ll do some more digging. The cops did respond when I called, especially when I called back to let them know the guy had come around to the other side of the house. It’s only recently that we’ve used the front yard for play, since Winona had no interest until she had a buddy to run with, but the front gate is the only way anyone could reach them, the walls are solid and the back fence is reinforced up to a certain height, so nobody’s sticking their fingers in to say hi to the dogs.

            1. fposte*

              Dog bite law and dog liability is frustratingly variable. This is a commonly told tale about Beware of Dog signs (that they make you more liable), but it doesn’t look like it’s super-common–it does seem to be true in Georgia, though, and could be elsewhere. On the other hand, in strict liability states like Washington, it generally wouldn’t matter whether you have a sign or not–if the dog bites (and there are no mitigating circumstances, which vary by state), you’re liable. Then there may be states where such a sign would indeed protect you, so you really have to know the rules you’re operating under. Nolo has a chart that could give you a place to start at least, though of course it won’t tell you what your insurance company thinks of any of it; that might be worth a Google too.

        2. harley*

          Thank you for this! I have a “Beware of Dog” sign in the back, but I’ll get another for the front, and “No Trespassing” as well. This is the first incident I’ve had since moving here three years ago, I know the neighborhood has some characters (like Random Screaming Dude, who terrified me the first time I heard him, but he never goes up to anyone) but I was really startled that somebody actually approached my house. Plus, going out in the front yard is a new thing, Winona was never really interested in that until she had a buddy to run with, so I was like doubly unprepared. That’s insane to me that somebody who comes on to somebody else’s property has any grounds if a dog defends the territory.

      2. harley*

        Thank you!! Yeah, it was really a relief on Winona’s part in particular, because I spent a long time feeling like we weren’t connected at all, so when all of this went down it was kind of wonderful to see that she’d instinctively get between me and a potential threat.

  55. Mischa*

    A huge thank you to everyone who gave me advice two weeks ago re: adult ADHD. I’m now on a different medication…I think it’s called focalin XR? Though I’m still on a low dose, I like it a lot better than Ritalin. I still feel like I’m immensely fidgety, though my concentration has improved drastically. For those of you who deal with ADHD, how did you overcome the fidgeting (of course, assuming that was a problem for you)?

    1. BRR*

      I get up a lot during the day and when I’m working from home I roll my feet on a lacrosse ball. I did a kickstarter for a fidget pen which helps when I’m in a situation where I can’t get up.

    2. it's all good*

      I’m glad it’s working for you. I can’t do any kind of stimulants so I’m unmedicated. the only time I can truly calm down is when I am reading. Otherwise, the struggle is real.

      1. BRR*

        Have you looked at non-stimulant medication? I’ve been on some at various times and it can be nice not having the stimulant side effects.

  56. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

    How do you keep up with news & blogs such as AAM?
    I’m having a time-management issue because I’m spending too much time reading the news & the few blogs I follow. I’m not a news junkie & I don’t care about what some guru says or which celebrity did what. The only board I comment on is AAM. I’m a quick reader, so I think the problem is because I’m just following the sites on the internet. When hyperlinks don’t show an article as read then I might click on it again. Usually when I see a link I can remember what I’ve read, although sometimes a site changes the title so I might not realise I’ve already read the article until I start to read it.

    Would a social media site help? Even though I have Facebook I’m rarely on it & I don’t have any desire to subscribe to other social media sites. If needed I’d probably create an account just for media reading.

    I’m thinking that RSS will help with my needs…?
    Although I’m good with software & the internet, it turns out that I need someone to explain how I can get RSS (on my iPad & PC) like I’m ten years old.

    Recommendations, please?

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        +1 for Feedly. I use it on Android and just by visiting the website on my Mac.

    2. dr_silverware*

      RSS will probably meet your needs exactly!

      Since you said to explain like you’re ten years old—many websites will publish an RSS feed. This is just a URL where they update a bunch of info about what articles they recently published, etc. To actually follow those you’d use an RSS reader.

      Readers like Feedly, inoreader, and others will ask you to sign in and then will keep track of all the RSS feeds you ask them to, either by pasting in the URL you get by clicking the RSS button on a website, or by searching in the reader. It works a lot like a podcast app, if you use any of those.

      I’d probably choose Feedly as others have suggested since you can use it on your browser and download an app for it on your ipad.

  57. Sick of it anon*

    Anyone have a screw up family member they are just sick of? My screw up cousin screwed up again. A few years ago she flunked out of community college. She lied to my aunt and uncle about it and they were paying her rent and expenses and giving her money but she blew it all on clothes and partying. This is a pattern. She has been screwing up her whole life.

    She got a job and seemed to be doing better. She moved out saying she was moving in with a friend. My aunt and uncle sold their home last year and downsized to a smaller condo in a quiet neighborhood. My uncle retired.

    My cousin moved back in with them. She was pregnant and lied about being engaged and the guy dying. Really she was having an affair with a married guy at her work. He was a peer and there was no coercion. She knew he was married and it wasn’t an open marriage. The guy was paying her rent and bought her a car and was paying her other bills. She wasn’t living with a friend.

    His wife found out and she didn’t keep it quiet. She outed the affair to everyone including their work. My cousin and the guy both got fired because it was against company rules. The guy took off and ghosted my cousin.

    The guy’s ex-wife couldn’t find him. He told my cousin he would come back but he lied. He moved overseas. The country he went to is the place his family immigranted from. His parents came here and he was born here but he was eligible for citizenship through his parents. He’s claimed it and is living there now. He has a job and a place to stay. Evidence is he had been planning to go there for over a year. He has apparently denounced his citizenship for this country according to his ex-wife’s attorney. His parents moved back there when his did retired years ago and no other family lives here. Apparently the family back home is angry with him because his actions are shameful and they want nothing to do with my cousin or the baby.

    He hasn’t had contact with my cousin. Since he moved there and didn’t answer the divorce proceedings his wife got everything. She got the car he was paying for my cousin. She took the money from his bank account and stopped paying the rent. That’s the real reason my cousin went back to my aunt and uncle.

    His ex-wife us getting a fault divorce and everyone knows what my cousin did. His ex-wife has proof of the affair, that my cousin knew he was married before it started and that it wasn’t an open marriage. She might sue my cousin and she would win if my cousin didn’t try to settle.

    The country the guy moved too doesn’t reciprocate child support and the courts there won’t compel him. My cousin has no education beyond high school which she barely passed and no skills. She has had one job which she was fired for over the affair and therefore has no references. She lied about being engaged and the guy dying before they could get married and meet the family. The guy who died had never met my cousin and was just a random guy. His family took exception to my cousin’s lie. My cousin is facing charges because she tried to pretend she was the ex-wife to get money from the bank account after the divorce court took it. She is living in one of my aunt and uncle’s spare rooms.

    They enable her so much. She made a complete mess of her life and they don’t see it. No one else in the family will give her a dime and support her in any way including me. They are trying to use the baby but I don’t care. It probably sounds harsh but she made her bed. The entire family and both sides, aunt and uncle are sick of it. My aunt said I could buy stuff directly for the baby like diapers but I’m not doing that. Cousin gets nothing from me.

    I’m so sick of it. My aunt and uncle enable her and wonder why she never changes. They always bail her out. They downsized and my uncle retired and now my cousin is back with them. They are paying her lawyer for the criminal charges and will for the lawsuit. She never has to face any consequences.

    It’s not her fault she knowingly had an affair with a married man. Not her fault she got arrested for lying to the bank. Not her fault she will get sued by the ex-wife. It’s all the guy’s fault. His ex-wife is the bad guy and not my cousin. Same with the bank. The family/friends of the dead guy she lied about are ‘meanies’ for being angry at my cousin. On and on.

    Sorry I didn’t mean for this to be a novel. But I am so sick of her always being the victim. I’m glad everyone’s (besides my aunt and uncle) eyes are open and no one is helping her. Advice or commiseration welcome. Does anyone else have a screw up relative or enabling relatives that they are sick of?

    (Excuse typos please. I have a new phone and am not used to the touch screen)

    1. Expert Camelid Midwife*

      I have family members like this, I am sure we all do.

      We don’t punish innocent children when their parents are screw ups. We also don’t enable their parents. But if an innocent child has a need such as diapers, clothing, food that their screw-up parent can’t meet, I believe it is our moral obligation as humans to help fellow humans and meet those needs.

      My best advice is to detach yourself emotionally from the choices and resulting consequences your cousin, as an adult, as made for her life. I have a habit of getting emotionally entangled in things my loved ones do that I just don’t understand when I know they can do better or I want better for them, but I can’t control their lives and whatever outcomes arise are theirs to deal with. However, where there are a children involved, I do my best to be there for kids because they didn’t choose nor ask for this.

      This isn’t always easy to do, and it may even require you speak to a therapist about it. Its not your job to save or fix her, and you don’t even have to get things for the baby if you don’t want to. But you need to detach emotionally from being mad if your Aunt and Uncle choose to care for the baby. Also, if you aren’t a parent it may be harder for you to understand why a parent may continue to take in their prodigal child over and over again. Unless she’s dead it’s never too late for her to get her shit together. Sometimes, for some people, having a child becomes that wake up call. Sometimes that wake up call still will require support and assistance. Her parents are willing to give that for whatever reason and that is their choice and you need to detach your emotions from their choices.

      You can be sick of her and fed up, but you can also choose to hope for the best, counsel her or give your advice if asked, and yes, you can even buy diapers for your baby cousin (that’s not “helping” the cousin, that’s covering a babys bum)

      Good luck!!

      1. Expert Camelid Midwife*

        I also wanted to add that she wasn’t the only one involved in the affair with the married man. That coward chose to be involved too and he chose to leave her and their child with no concern for their well-being. You can be mad at her choosing to deal with someone who was already involved, but I don’t get the sense that you are equally disgusted with the father of this baby. Moreso it sounds like you are blaming your cousin for his choices instead. Life is going to be hard for the baby, and that baby deserves both parents and a support system that she may not receive if people keep giving consequences to the baby for the actions of her parents. The best way to prevent the cycle from repeating is to be a community/village for that baby. She’s already lost half of her identity because her bio father is choosing to be a deadbeat. She won’t have connection to her other half, her family, her heritage, her health/dna history etc. That is hard. She’s innocent in all this and deserve to be enveloped by her village in love and support and care. She doesn’t have to turn out to be a poor decision maker like her mom is (was) and again maybe she (or he?) will be all mom needs to pull her act together.
        Detach emotionally. Even if you are disgusted she dated a married man (for some people thats a huge deal, for others its just not) the fact that the result is a kid who won’t have a father because he chooses to be absent, isn’t the kids fault.
        If you can’t detach emotionally from her decisions or you feel you will be negative and not forgive her, you probably would do best to stay away and let her find her footing, because she might this time. Some people take longer than you did. But perhaps you can set aside how you feel about her choices and still love and support the person and hope she will do better going forward, because she is your cousin after-all.

    2. Marie B.*

      I posted below about my train wreck relative. I get what you are going through. You are not a bad person for not helping or setting boundaries. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are not responsible for the mistakes of others.

    3. JJean*

      You shouldn’t feel guilt for saying no. None of this is the fault of the baby but that doesn’t mean you are obligated or responsible. If your cousin, your aunt, your uncle or anyone else do try to make you feel bad or guilty for saying no, they are wrong. You don’t owe them anything. I have a family member who is like your cousin. His parents don’t enable him the way your aunt and uncle do. I’m glad you are strong enough to have drawn a line in the sand and same with your family. Stay strong and don’t let anyone guilt you, even under the guise of an innocent baby. You are allowed to say no. No is a complete sentence.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      Enabling is such a bizarre thing, especially when it comes from the parents. I don’t really care or mind if parents continue to support adult children. In a way that’s what you sign up for when you freely make the choice to procreate. Not everyone gets to give birth to a genius with a winning personality and a stellar ability to land good jobs. You have to take the kids you get, and for a lot of people, they get kids who are better off living off of their parents than living on the streets or continually moving in with awful boyfriends.

      In the case of my brother, it’s better for everyone if he lives with our dad. That costs less than kicking him out and having to take care of the inevitable legal trouble.

      1. Notchangingcolor*

        And what happens when the parents die? In your brother’s case, does he then live with you? Does your parent’s choice to procreate then become your burden?

    5. Rogue*

      Wow! What a mess, but you are not alone. Unfortunately, I’ve several screw up cousins that are drug addicts and in and out of jail or always broke and doing sketchy shit. I just gave up dealing with them; washed my hands. They’re relatives, but they’re not my family any more.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I get your level of upset all too well.
      Here is something to carry with you: You are not the person who is going to help her. This is not a slam, she won’t let you help her, so therefore you cannot help her.

      Sometimes the best we can do is get out of the way so that someone else can get in and perhaps your cousin will listen to that person. Or not.
      Another tool I have used is this question: “And this impacts my life, HOW?” Your life will go on and you will have many successes and many joys. Your cousin, she will continue on, too. Check back in ten years, she may be doing the same things she is doing now. Until she decides to change there is not a lot anyone can do.

      Last thought. Being a victim does not allow a person to develop actual life skills. Once one victim role fails to produce money, security, whatever then they will need to find a new way to become a victim. My person has been a victim all her life. Foster care, bad job, bad husband, and later abuse by the disability board. There is always someone being mean. Always. I tried saying, you are a human being first and foremost. The response was a meltdown, “No, I am a victim.” It’s her identity now. If I try to take away her victim-ness she no longer knows who she is.

      I do know this. If we get involved in their stories too much our lives will stop developing and growing. Distance is your best bet.

    7. SophieChotek*

      Like many – almost all seem to have one relative like this. It can be so frustrating to watch this from the sidelines – (I’ve got the cousin that shot his brother several times while their mother was dying in the hospital of cancer — she died like a week later) – and perhaps worry about how this will affect your aunt and uncle also.

      I think you can only do is hope for the best for them, try not to get too involved, distance onself if one needs to for one’s own protection/sanity.

    8. Martine*

      I don’t blame you for washing your hands of it. You don’t owe your cousin a thing. The baby doesn’t change it. If you are harsh then so am I because I think you are right. I think your aunt has nerve pushing you to help. It is not your baby and you owe nothing. Your aunt and uncle need to take off the rose colored glasses and see how bad she has alienated the family. You and your family are not the jerks in this situation for not helping. Good for all of you for having a backbone. Frankly I agree with you.

      1. Scarlettnz*

        Yup, I agree with Martine – not your circus, not your monkeys. I’d get out the popcorn and watch the train wreck from a distance but there is no way I’d be buying her stuff – if her parents want to support her then that’s on them.

        I have a deadbeat sister and I refuse to get involved in her dramas. As the saying goes, you can pick your friends but not your relatives.

    9. Betsy*

      I don’t think you need to give her anything or support her if you don’t want to.

      But I also don’t understand the amount of anger you’re expressing. I’m not sure how it affects your life that much. If your life is going well, then that’s great, and maybe your anger is slightly misdirected.

      I actually think, for a screwed up relative, she’s not doing so bad. The criminal charges are a concern, but for the time being she’s not in jail, not addicted to drugs, not homeless and, has held a job before. So there’s the possibility she’ll turn things around, or maybe not, and as others have said, you don’t need to be there for her to find out. I don’t know- my relatives who are having problems are long-term unemployed, or ended up in the mental hospital for a year, or never graduated high school, and don’t have the kind of support that it sounds like she does.Yes, I am a bit frustrated about the close relative who I feel is not trying to get a job, but ultimately it would be a lot worse to actually be them. I have had a good education, and am gainfully employed, so in a way I feel lucky, not resentful.

      1. Expert Camelid Midwife*

        I think this person definitely has misdirected anger and is too emotionally involved. She doesn’t HAVE to do anything for the baby, even though the baby is an innocent player in this scenario. She’s also far too concerned about what parents are choosing to do for THEIR child. The anger over this is going to prevent this person from seeing this situation from any other viewpoint than the one she is expressing. She keeps framing the affair as something only her cousin did as if she got pregnant by herself.

        Everyone’s life path isn’t going to be your life path. So what if she flunked out of school? Lots of people don’t go through college and end up okay. Some peoples definition of what success and happiness looks like in life doesn’t always line up with our own definition. You can’t be emotionally entangled in that just because it’s not what you would have chosen.

        She may have flunked up a lot, but she also sounds like she is young and has time (again, unless she is dead it’s never too late to “get it” whatever it might be) to figure things out. I hope for her and the baby that this is when she does figure it out. Hopefully the lawsuits and legal troubles end up being a blip on her life story and a distant memory soon.

        Honestly, I hope your cousin counter-sues the wife for some of the husbands former assets since she has a child with him and he chose to leave both of them. Maybe the suits will go no where, but I don’t care how screwed up people make things, kids don’t deserve to suffer for it.

  58. Expert Camelid Midwife*

    I don’t think this is considered a work related thing, as I am not wanting to do this to boost my resume or leverage experience for a job opportunity. I simply just want to be involved. So here goes:

    I am interested in joining a non-profit board of directors or at the least a committee involved with marketing/fundraising/event planning for a non-profit. I want to focus on orgs that service the needs of marginalized populations in my local community. Areas that interest me are issues of homelessness, hunger, youth initiatives and prison reform/prisoner reentry success. I am not currently interested in doing very much direct volunteering with the populations these orgs serve (such as: mentoring, group facilitation, running camps or programs, reception etc) due to other obligations I have. However, I am self-employed and I do have free time to be an involved member of a committee or board.

    Here is my dilemma: I have never done any major volunteer work before (I have done some digital services for an org once and on occasion serve at a homeless shelter by doing laundry, checking in residents/spending time with residents in the day room and bringing meals up to the floors where there are long term residents who may be away at work or programs during mealtimes) and I am not sure how to approach a couple of the orgs that I am interested in.

    Do I just send an email and say “hey I am interested in serving and I see you have an opening” and wait for a response to continue the conversation, or do I reach out with a resume or portfolio of related skills (for example for a marketing/event planning committee) and a “cover letter” or “pitch” in my initial email?

    I have found three organizations that have posted a need in which I could be of use and that I am very interested in, and one of these three is looking to expand the board as well as needs committee help. This org also has a board member who I know on an acquaintance level and we chat sometimes but aren’t close friends – I am not sure if reaching out to her first would be a good idea or not? I think she may be newer to the org herself.

    I want to make sure it’s apparent how I can be of service to these orgs and that I am thoroughly interested in serving the needs of the organization, but I don’t know the proper way to go about doing this? The last time I sent an email to a social services organization I was interested in, I never heard back from the volunteer coordinator, but was added to their mailing list and that was a little off-putting. I was hoping to at least hear that their needs were currently being met or they didn’t need me at this time (their website has open ended “need for volunteers” opportunities posted so it’s hard to tell)

    Any tips/suggestions?

    1. Bluebell*

      As someone who works on a development office, I think you have a few options. At the org where you know the board member, express interest to them and have an informal conversation about their board service. Did they have to serve on a committee first? Are there other expectations? What are the time commitments? Then if you are still interested you can talk about what you have to offer.
      For the other organization, my suggestion is to reach out to development staff. So often the person coordinating volunteers has other priorities, and the offer of someone who wants to help on a committee may not fit the mold. That could lead to a conversation where you could pitch your skills.
      One last question – do you support any of these organizations financially, even at a very modest level? That sometimes can be a signal to get staff attention.
      Good luck!

      1. Expert Camelid Midwife*

        Thanks! These are good suggestions.

        Do you think I should initially just express interest to any of these people I reach out to and see where that conversation leads, or should I express interest + provide them with my skills/background or any materials that can show how I can be of service (resume/portofolio, for example?) at the same time?

        1. Intern wrangler*

          As a leader of a nonprofit, I love it when people reach out to learn more. I’d ask to grab coffee or to talk before giving them a forma resume. Some boards have people serve on committees before they join the board. Be prepared that most boards ask for a financial commitment because finders like to know the board is willing to invest in the organization. They might set a dollar amount or it is might be up to your discretion. It’s also important to see if the board is a working board or a governance board. Governance boards are focused more on strategy and direction. Good luck with your interest!

    2. FrontRangeOy*

      I’m on a non profit board.

      I think there are a few ways you could go about this. you could contact the Development or Marketing director and inquire about putting some volunteer hours into their departments. Our Marketing director is always short of time and funds and it wouldn’t surprise me if the same is true in many local/regional non profits. If I were in your shoes, I would do that first.

      Once you’ve spent some time with the department putting in hours (and possibly donating dollars or time to fundraisers), express your interest in serving on the board of directors. In the non profit I’m attached to, the Marketing director and executive director both participate in the Nominating committee’s meetings and recommendations for board appointments. Unless the organizations you’re interested are like mine (mine requires that a certain number of people on the board be appointed by the city and by the county), your best bed for sitting on the board is to become known through volunteering and assisting with fundraising, bringing in donars, and raising awareness in the community.

      1. Expert Camelid Midwife*

        This seems to be the same advice I’m seeing and honestly I think it would be best in order to get familiar with the org and their culture and become a known quantity. I’ve decided I will reach out to the Director about their need with help on their planning committee and start my involvement there before attempting to join their board (this board does not have the requirements of appointments.) They also appear to have a volunteer informational scheduled for next weekend as well, so I plan to attend there.

        I still don’t know if my initial email should include any sort of resume/portfolio/package of my skills/experience or not though?

        1. Bluebell*

          ECM- my thought is that the presentation of resume etc upfront might be seen as too aggressive. Maybe after you’ve spoken you can ask if they’d like to see, but I’d keep it more open for the first conversation.

  59. Marie B.*

    I have a relative whose life is a train wreck. She is mentally ill. But she barely sticks with her treatment and meds and since she isn’t a threat to herself or others there is nothing we can do. But she is still a train wreck. She wants to be a mother but that is in no way a good idea. Thankfully she was born with no womb and is sterile from drug use. Sorry if that sounds awful but it is true. And given her history she can’t adopt. Recently one of her mentally ill and sometimes drug using friends gave birth. She didn’t want the baby and gave the baby to my relative. CPS was involved quick because the birth mom has other kids in care she has lost rights to and her probation officer knew she was pregnant. Some of us also called when we realized she had a baby. My relative isn’t being charged because her friend freely left the baby but my relative has this notion about going to court and fighting for the baby. There’s no way in hell she will win.

    She is mad that no one in the family supports her. Us believing she should never be responsible for a baby is hurtful, even if it is true. Not one person, family, acquaintances, doctor or court. If no one thinks she should be responsible for a baby it should be a clue but according to her everyone else is wrong. She says she would be a good mom but that is not the point. My relative is a person who should never have kids. I’m just relived CPS stepping for the sake of the baby.

    [Please note, I’m not saying ALL mentally ill people are train wrecks or NO mentally ill people should have kids. I’m talking about my relative and her situation only]

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Small consolation but people at the service level see this a lot. I know a few stories of women who have given birth to 10-12 kids and they say, “I am going to keep giving birth until the state lets me keep one.”
      I have no clue what the answers are. When some people want kids they REALLY want kids and this desire happens to people in all types of settings. If you can try to think of it this way that this strong desire happens to people in general maybe you can find a way to help her with grief. She wants a child so badly and no one will support her. That is two griefs not one grief. Perhaps she is working with a therapist and you can tip off the therapist about this concern.
      It’s a very fine line, what you are striving for is, “yes, this is hugely sad” but you don’t back down from your statement that having children is not appropriate for her. If she has a case manager or other social workers you might check with them to see how they frame that.

      1. Marie B.*

        Thank you for the response/advice. I appreciate it. My cousin refuses therapy or treatment and doesn’t have therapist. She’s also never had a social worker or case worker before.

    2. Temperance*

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. FWIW, I grew up with a pretty mentally ill parent, and it was really hard. I’m glad that your family spoke up before she was able to harm that baby.

      In my experience, the shittiest parents insist that they’re good.

      1. Martine*

        “In my experience, the shittiest parents insist that they’re good.”

        +1. I agree. Every single time someone says they would be a good mom/dad I always think “yeah…no.” I have never once agreed with anyone I have heard say it.

        I’m sorry your family is going through. I’m glad CPS, the probation officer and your family were looking out for the baby. You are not a bad person for saying she should never have kids. There are plenty of people who should never be responsible for a child. Too bad she is in denial and can’t see that.

        Be well and look after yourself.

  61. Cristina in England*

    I finally got myself to journal fairly regularly by totally splurging on a really nice (refillable) leather notebook. It’s beautiful and it came in a protective bag (!) and I can’t believe I am so easily tricked but that journal and a nice fountain pen (only £2.79 actually, a Platinum Preppy) are all I need to write out my own paper-based Tumblr.

  62. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I haven’t updated in a while.

    Things are going ok. Y has filed the divorce papers. Things are very civil between us. Weirdly so but I’m not complaining.

    Work is going well which is pretty cool (and seeing as it’s the free for all that’s all I’ll say about that!).

    The small child is doing about as well as could be expected. He’s showing some signs of anxiety but nothing out of the ordinary for the circumstances.

    I’ve been able to draw better boundaries with my parents. I’ve not given them my new bank details so now they send me cheques and I have the choice whether to pay them in or not. The messages have died down to reasonable levels.

    Financially I’m doing much better. Pretty cool. Amazing how much better you do when half your cash isn’t draining to the local omic-cay op-shay.

    I’m trying to figure out who I am, now. I used to spend a lot of time trying to make sure my purchases were as ethical as possible, but when you’re married to someone who doesn’t give a sh!t where the cash goes it’s hard to keep making the effort. It’s pretty cool to be able to figure this all out for myself now.

    I’ve signed up for some workshops at a local art gallery. I’m going to see a comedian talk about mindfulness. I’m trying to re-establish my meditation practice. I’m planning weekend trips with myself to Scotland, Ireland, the Netherlands and Berlin (not all at once!!) and a holiday with the small child.

    The world has opened up.

    If anyone else is thinking “… it’s not THAT bad…” of their marriage, but can’t silence the tiny voice saying “something’s rotten in the state of Denmark”… it doesn’t have to be dreadful to leave. My husband was emotionally abusive but I didn’t see it for nearly 2 decades. I had a nice life. But I wasn’t happy and I internalised a lot of guilt that wasn’t mine.

    I’m not saying everyone should leave :) that would be crazy. But I want y’all to know it’s possible.

    2. Little Paws*

      Thank you for sharing this. I was in a 7 year long emotionally abusive relationship (not married) but I recently ended it. No children are involved, and I was able to move out of his house and into my own place fairly easily. It is very true that some people are able to split up without all the horrible theatrics that we constantly see in the media or celebrity world, or from our friends’ marriages, etc. I’m glad things are civil for you. I’m also glad you will be taking those trips! They sound wonderful. I really hope to visit Europe some day! I’m sending positive thoughts your way!

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Thank you! Well done on being strong enough to leave. :) Wishing you all good things.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Wow. This sounds different, stronger. Good for you. You have come a long way. congrats. Keep going, you will get through this part of “finding you”. (Part of that will be realizing how much of you that you have been all along. You are a kind, caring person who got hitched to a taker. When you get with people who give and take, you will find your peeps and reclaim who you want to be.)

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        It’s funny, until I sat down and started to think about what’s going on for me now I didn’t think all that much had changed since I left. But I can see even in the last few weeks I’ve come a long way.

        For a very, very long time (always?) everything in my life was functional. Since I left… I bought new bed linen. It is beautiful. I have cushions. I’m buying clothes I wouldn’t have looked at before because Y would have hated them. I never realised I could do this stuff before.

        1. Effie, who is pondering*

          YAY!!!!

          You sound so much healthier. I’m glad you’re having fun getting to know yourself again. Wishing you the best as you keep getting to know who you are and letting yourself be who you are.

    4. Annie Mouse*

      I’m so glad things are going well at the moment.
      NSNR is right, you sound so positive and strong and it’s great to hear, you sound exactly how I’d expect someone as amazingly awesome as you, and who’s acheived what you have, to sound. If that makes any sense!!
      My last relationship wasn’t abusive but there was a lot wrong with it. When I finally had sense to end it, I had great fun using my extra time how I wanted, doing things for me. And I made self discoveries and new friends along the way. I hope you keep enjoying finding out who you are, and have loads of fun as you go.
      Good luck!

    5. SophieChotek*

      Thank you for the update! I am glad you are looking out for yourself. Best of luck as you continue on this new path.

    7. J.B.*

      This is the right thing not just for you but for your child. I’m glad you’re feeling your horizons expand.

  63. Felicia*

    It’s my birthday today and I’m kind of sad for various friends/family related reasons. What do u guys do to cheer yourselves up?

    1. nep*

      Happy birthday and I’m sorry you’re sad.
      Depends on the moment and what I feel inclined to do — it varies.
      A walk always makes me feel better — if the weather’s decent and I especially if there’s some sunshine. Just being outside and getting fresh air can help a lot. Any kind of exercise, stretching…
      Alone, with no one around, moving to music I love — just really letting go. (But again, only if in the mood for that.)
      Letting myself just veg out and either read or watch something helps sometimes.
      Hope you feel better soon.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Happy birthday!

      Birthdays for me are always the worst. I seem to always get down around them. But comfort food, or doing something that makes me laugh with my husband and/or our cats always helps.

      If nothing else, reading the joke thread from last week might make you smile.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Happy birthday! My go-tos are peppy music, good movies, and baking. Plus, treating myself to something nice, like a bunch of flowers or a cupcake.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Cake wrecks dot com. I stay there until I am laughing so hard tears are running down my face.

    5. Thursday Next*

      I’m sorry it’s a tough birthday this year. I seek out small doses of humor—I just hit the damn you autocorrect site this morning. Or pics/videos of cute cats and dogs. Sending a text or email to a friend who’s good at listening without feeling the need to problem solve is something I should probably do more than I do.

      Sometimes I return to beloved books or videos, like Anne of Green Gables or the 1995 Pride and Prejudice (I will always heart you, Colin Firth). And I put on my favorite sweatshirt or cozy socks.

      And when all else fails (let’s be honest: even if it succeeds), a really nice chocolate treat.

      Hope you feel better!

    6. Betsy*

      I get down on birthdays too. I hate the pressure to enjoy myself and not knowing whether people will be there for me or not.

      What gets me through is looking at Facebook messages (I think they’re fun to get, even if you don’t get huge amounts, and it’s nice to know some people have taken the effort to write messages). Do something nice for yourself, that way even if family and friends don’t come through for you, you get to see that movie or buy that new jacket you’ve had your eye on for ages, or eat a lovely meal.

      And the best thing is that it will be over really soon and tomorrow will be a non-birthday day again! Thinking about this always helps me.

  64. MsChanandlerBong*

    I am going to a black-tie event tonight. I came to the salon to get my hair done, and not one person knows how to do a chignon! Now I am kind of afraid to see what I will look like when I leave.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I was pleasantly surprised! She curled it all and then pinned it up in the back. It came out really nice, and the event was wonderful. I made my husband take a picture of the back of my head so that I can get it done the same way in April when we have another formal event.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Yay! It’s so frustrating to get something done that you don’t like. Glad it turned out for you!

  65. nep*

    From the eating thread above — Toddlers.
    My running battle with the other adult who helps raise this toddler is that adult gives the child way too much junk. (I’m going to use ‘junk’ as shorthand for nutrient-poor and high-sugar foods — cookies, graham crackers, marshmallows, juice, ice cream sandwiches, high-sugar yogurt…) I for one think it is cruel to get children used to eating foods like this as they please. A toddler knows no better and will crave what she’s regularly given; as adults we are supposed to know better and foster good habits.
    If the little one doesn’t see it in the house, she’ll be fine without it. My relative likes to have these things around because she eats them; fine — have at it. But don’t hand over poor eating habits to an innocent child.
    The little one likes vegetables, oatmeal, eggs, fruits, pasta and tuna, other things that are relatively healthy. She likes a lot of things that aren’t sugar- and sodium-packed. I say reinforce that and keep the junk out of her sight. Treats once in a while, sure…great. But not junk as a regular, all-day thing whenever she wants.
    It could be worse. I mean, my relative does give her decent food. It’s just that for me, the junk should be out of sight and treated just as an occasional thing.
    So I think this issue is different from what Overeducated and Christina in England were talking about above — You specifically mentioned finicky toddlers. What’s the situation?

    1. Cristina in England*

      Picky eaters are so tough and I do think there isn’t much parents can do to prevent picky eatine. Right now we are in a better time, but from the time she was around two to age four, my daughter only wanted bread or yogurt or cheese. She would of course eat any sweet foods that were available, but apart from that she would not even entertain the notion of anything beyond what I’ve just said. Before age two she ate avocado, quinoa, chicken curry, sweet potato, but it all stopped. At age four she added sausages. She only very recently branched out to pasta, and then mac and cheese, which I consider an enormous triumph.
      My son, who is two, will eat cucumbers, which is great, but that’s the only vegetable apart from a potato he will eat. He ate mushrooms for a time but won’t now. If he is entering an extremely picky period, like my daughter did, I am not looking forward to it.

      1. nep*

        That sounds really rough. We’re fortunate in that this little one will eat a pretty good variety of things.

        1. Cristina in England*

          Thanks. It has been tricky, but it is easier this year, and I hope that continues! I’ve read that it’s really normal for ages 2-6 to be pickier than other ages (there’s a theory it is an evolutionary mechanism protecting fearless toddlers from poisoning themselves) and that helped. If the little one you look after becomes more picky, it probably isn’t because of the availability of treats given by the other adult, although of course that won’t help the situation either if it becomes a crutch. I try to save treats for snow days and other unusual times like when I am in line or at an appointment somewhere and I break out a pack of Belvita Minis to keep them quiet.

          1. nep*

            I’m not concerned that the treats will make her more picky, per se — rather that the treats will make her accustomed to having goodies (instead of more nutritious food) as she wants, when she wants. And I know from experience how that was detrimental to me and my siblings.
            Good approach on your part — good to make the goodies the exception.
            Anyway my 2 cents.
            I guess part of why I feel so strongly about it is that I didn’t know I could feel so damned good until I stopped eating processed stuff…and I really do think food can be the worst poison or the best medicine.
            ‘Our’ toddler’s starting off with this perfect, healthy body — no good if the adults in her life start her down a path of poor eating.

      2. Overeducated*

        My kid is very similar to your daughter. Very limited fruit intake, vegetables basically nonexistent (unless tomato sauce counts…), chicken nuggets the only meat. The processed food door had been opened, especially at breakfast because we eat stuff like cereal too. We try to offer what we’re eating at dinner in particular but don’t go so far as to say “eat what we’re eating or nothing,” in part bc the kid is only in preschool, and in part because that absolutely didnt work in my household growing up. I would like to encourage a more varied diet but don’t want to make it a battle of wills and hunger like it was with my siblings. Open to ideas….

        1. TL -*

          I listened to a podcast on picky eaters and one of the things the expert suggested was very slow but somewhat mandatory introductions.
          For instance, if you couldn’t bear the thought of eating broccoli, that was fine, but you had to lick it. Once you licked it, you were done for the day. Next time you had it, if you can’t bear eating it, lick it again. Maybe take two licks instead of one. When licking it was no longer The Worst Thing Ever, you have to take a (tiny) bite. Eventually, even extremely picky eaters were able to put a lot more food into their diets.

          Plus, I bet little kids will love being able to lick something at the dinner table. And model the eating habits you want your children to have – if you’re eating a lot of junk food, they’ll eat a lot of junk food.

          1. Overeducated*

            Thanks. We do try to get him to lick new foods, and a minority of the time it works, but we don’t make it an absolute mandatory thing with negative consequences when he refuses – I guess that’s what I am not sure about, how hard to push it with a young kid without creating bad associations and power struggles. I am less worried about what my kid does eat (because I think preferring carbs and dairy is common at that age and a fine way to fuel a toddler body) than what he doesn’t (most kids eat at least a bit more variety, vitamins aren’t a substitute).

      3. Ron McDon*

        I am going to say something really unpopular!

        From my experience, it’s not that the children ‘don’t like’ the foods and are being picky eaters; I think that children get to around 2 years old, they don’t have a lot of control or autonomy over their lives, and food is the one thing they can control. After all, none of us would force feed a child…

        So, they realise if they say ‘I don’t like that’ they get offered something else. And eventually they limit it to the foods they like the most, and they feel in control.

        My eldest son used to eat everything I put in front of him, had a really healthy diet, wide range of foods, the works. He started saying ‘I don’t like that anymore’ at around the age of 2-3. I thought ‘well, he’s not a fussy eater, he used to eat everything, he must genuinely not like the taste of *sausages* anymore’.

        It wasn’t until I realised he was only eating a very limited range of plain foods that I realised how bad it had got! He was also very prescriptive about how his food was presented (sandwiches had to be folded, not cut; no visible butter on toast etc), or else he’d refuse to eat it or have a tantrum.

        It only stopped when I became pregnant with my second son and said ‘I’m not making separate meals for you anymore. If you don’t eat what I’ve made for dinner you can have something like fruit or yoghurt to eat, then nothing until breakfast tomorrow.

        Within three days he was eating whatever was put in front of him without complaint, and has not been a fussy eater since. It made me wonder why on earth I put up with it for so long…!

        I advised my sister to never start down the road of ‘ok, I’ll make you something else’, but she did, and her daughter is now a fussy 9 year old. I don’t believe they grow out of it, I think parents have to assert their authority and not let the children dictate what they will and won’t eat.

        1. Tea, please*

          There was an annoying parenting book about feeding toddlers a few years ago, but it did have one great take-away that helped me stick to “I’m not cooking anything different for you”. It was to have at least one thing your child will definitely eat on the plate. Sometimes this means we make something just for him (like scrambled eggs) and serve it with what we are eating, but we don’t cook an entirely new meal. The only exception is that he can eat as much fruit (or vegetables, but funnily enough he never asks for more broccoli) as he wants, so if he doesn’t eat his dinner, we will let him have a banana or bowl of strawberries. He usually will try other foods on the plate, even if he ends up dramatically spitting them out.
          This only applies to parents whose kids attend daycare–I used to stress about how little he was eating at night. But then I had a conference with his daycare teacher who said he regularly cleaned his plate at lunch and asked for more (they provide the food). These lunches were nutritious, so I stopped worrying when he didn’t eat dinner at home because he was eating so much at school.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      Our kids are out of the toddler stage now, but I’ve found that they really took the healthy eating spiel to heart. We spent a lot of time during meals and snacks talking about “growing food” meaning food that helps your body grow bigger and healthier. Treats were handled by only giving rarely and also talking about how sugar isn’t as good for you as fruit or whatever.

      I will say, my husband goes a little overboard at times almost demonizing junk food, but is the one more likely to suggest getting ice cream and not setting limits on candy-heavy holidays. I take the middle ground – I’m more likely to give them medium-level things like granola bars (which he classes as junk food) on occasion but not allow them to overindulge on candy. So we don’t have the same approach, but our general message is the same – healthy food is best for you, but treats are okay once in a while.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Well, I did leave out the parts where the 8 yr old turns up her nose at what I make for dinner and demands cereal instead (our fallback if they don’t want what I make), and the 4 yr old asks for dessert every night. :-). But generally the message gets through.

          We also do “try a bite” if it’s a new food. No forced feeding (I was a picky kid in a “you will clean your plate” family, ugh) and I don’t even serve them food I know they don’t like.

          1. Jules the First*

            My mom’s fallback was the microwave-scrambled egg – nutritious and easy, but not nearly as appealing as a bowl of cereal. It slightly backfired when my kid sister had dinner at a friend’s house, wasn’t liking it, and helped herself to the fridge and microwave to make a scrambled egg instead. You did have to have one bite of everything on the plate before you could go for the egg though.

            I can get most toddlers to eat just about anything by sharing the bowl – for some (possibly evolutiony) reason, the food in my bowl is always more appealing than the food in kiddo’s bowl. My sister’s kid is a super-picky sweet-focused eater with his parents, but will happily tuck into almost anything when he’s with me which is partly because we talk about the food while we’re eating, and partly because I try to always join him when we’re eating, making it a social thing rather than a chore.

            If you have a picky eater, I suggest serving smaller portions of things and offering seconds or serving new foods in “courses” – an appetizer of broccoli followed by main course of chicken. You can also try different presentation – I nannied one picky eater whose mom served lunch in an ice cube tray (she had some cool ones with larger-than-normal compartments in cool shapes) with bite-size pieces in each hole…he would eat anything out of the cubbies and not one bite if it was served on a plate.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I worked at a preschool for a bit, and I’ve observed that there’s a difference between the foods a young child will eat when she’s being patiently spoon-fed by an adult, and the foods that a child will eat when it’s merely placed in front of her. Parents aren’t always objective about what their children will want to eat when they have to feed themselves – the amount of unsweetened yogurt and uncut fruits in those lunchboxes was ridiculous. Kids will eat it when their moms put it in their mouths, but I’m not convinced that they genuinely like them.

      Is it possible that the other adult isn’t actively feeding the child? Or is it possible that the child will only comply with eating vegetables when Mom is doing the feeding?

      1. nep*

        That’s a really interesting observation.
        I was heartened one day to see the toddler, seated at a table with a plate of cookies on it during a birthday party, take one small bite of a cookie then put it down and ask for an orange. Then another orange.

        1. Cristina in England*

          That’s interesting. Young kids (under 5 maybe?) don’t really overeat sweet things even if they love them. What I mean is, a preschooler is too young to eat an entire bowl of ice cream even if that’s their favourite food. They won’t eat past feeling full, unlike older kids and adults. They’re much more led by their bodies that way.

        2. Stellaaaaa*

          Breastfeeding complicates things too. Are you still breastfeeding? Because if you nurse and then give healthy foods in quick succession, the other adult is not going to have the same luck with just the vegetables. That was another huge issue – moms who were still breastfeeding expected us to get their kids to eat solid foods without the comfort and coddling a nursing mother provides, and it just didn’t happen.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      You know, there’s only so much you can do to control what your child has access to outside your company. You’ll really learn this lesson once they start school. I used to get frustrated every time school gave treats as a reward. Especially holiday treats once they’re in middle school and older, because you could have several teachers in one day giving out candy and treats and you know I’d like to be able to provide special holiday treats too without it turning into a giant sugar fest. I might still have feelings about that.

      I’d really stick to the basics at your house. Balanced meals given on a schedule. Allow the child to come to the table hungry but not famished. Treats should be served with a meal and can be eaten at any time during the meal. (This is key because it means your child is less likely to learn to overeat as opposed to when dessert is brought out after the meal. Young kids just can’t “save room” for dessert.) And if junky foods are really that accessible elsewhere, I’d actually serve them more often at your house than less. My thinking is that by having regular access to those foods at home they won’t be so special at the other place. Your child is more likely to treat them equal to other foods. I know you’d prefer it to be less than equal to other foods, but it is highly palatable, and out in the world, and you’re playing a long game here. You can always have it as one option among many other choices so it’s present but a small part of their day’s calories. I’d probably also use the same junky foods as vehicles for other foods. So maybe graham crackers, a little plain yogurt and fruit on top. And juice should only be served in special juice glasses that coincidentally limit the serving size. Once your child is older you can start having discussions about good food choices.

      I’ve never labeled my daughter as a picky eater, but I have considered her a cautious eater. Being a picky eater just seems so final and has so much baggage. I feel like she had more room to grow as a cautious eater. I also used what I call “gateway foods.” Those are foods that can lead to other foods, so for example, I used an easy curry recipe as a gateway to other, stronger curries and also to tolerating stuff (sauce) on food. No matter how hard you try, you can’t scrape it all off, and gradually they become accustomed to the new thing. I also have what I call the “mixed food rule.” That’s where when there’s a dish with many different ingredients you can’t just take the really tasty things. And you can’t have seconds until you’ve eaten all your firsts. You don’t have to take seconds; I don’t care either way about that, and there’s plenty else to eat, but if you want seconds of this, you have to finish your firsts. And since I want her to succeed and eat enough, I’m going to make sure there’s plenty of the tasty thing in that first serving and less other stuff to make it easier. Take poverty stew for example, it’s potatoes, cabbage and kielbasa, with the kielbasa being the favorite element. At the beginning she was given everything, heavy on the kielbasa, but didn’t have to eat the potatoes and cabbage. After a while she was given the same serving but now she had to eat it all before having seconds. Sometime she would and sometimes she wouldn’t, it was all up to her. Now she loves the whole dish and eats it all.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Thinking about it, most of my ideas are better for older kids. Here’s a couple ideas that may be more toddler accessible: let them dip healthy foods in yoghurt and sometimes use plain yogurt and sometimes sweetened. They’d probably also have fun finger painting on a tray with yogurt or pudding. More will be on the tray than in the tummy but the food will be there and your child will have fun with it. It’s a great sensory experience, too. And when they’re older you can practice drawing shapes and letters. I also used situations to encourage new foods. My daughter seemed braver in restaurants than at home so that’s where I’d introduce new foods.

  66. The RO-Cat*

    So, today was the last of the 8 live online meetings of my MBSR program. It’s been awesome, I learned a lot. I’m happy I “graduated”, but I’m sad it’s over – there was a nice, welcoming, warm group formed there, and the two teachers / hosts, Ted and Amy, were magnificent. I’ve rarely seen the sense of belonging and the emotional security form so quickly, thoroughly and organically.

    I’ve learned a lot; I hope I’ll apply all of that in the programs starting this march and april, so wish me luck! These are the very first mindfulness meditation / stress reduction programs I’ve ever lead and I’m a little nervous.

    1. Almost Violet Miller*

      This sounds so great, I’m happy for you! So you’re going to lead a course soon? Wow, so exciting!

      I’ve been trying to post an update for a while.
      A few weeks ago I had my MBSR practice day. We did about 6hrs of mostly guided meditations, indoors and outdoors, in movement and on a mat etc. The participants weren’t allowed to talk to each other until the discussion session where we shared our experiences. Here are a few remarks I had:
      -silence felt very intimate at times with people I’d nevet met before
      -we were forced to really pay attention to each other (if everyone has enough space for eating, if they don’t mind us opening the door for some fresh air etc.)
      -I spent hours concentrating on myself but when I saw myself in the mirror in the bathroom, I always had this strange feeling: is this how people see me? Is this what they ‘see’ when they think of me? Because when I am with myself, I don’t think of my face at all, I’m this black warm blob or something
      -apart from talking, reading was also ‘forbidden’ – I never quite realized how much text surrounds us in public spaces (ads, info boards, artwork)
      My course ended a week ago. We discussed how we can keep meditation practices in our everyday lives. I haven’t fully succeeded yet… My plan for the moment is to do a 10min guided meditation in the morning and a 10-min body scan by myself in the evening. On weekends, I will try a more complex one.

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Continuing my practice was also one of my worries. I decided to use Insight Timer (it’s both on Android and iOs) – it clicked with me on several levels, so… here I am, with at least 2×15 mins sessions each day, wake-up time pushed back 15 mins to accomodate the morning meditation…

        Thanks for your insight in the practice day. I haven’t been in a full one yet and I’m curious – I’ll get there some day. The “no reading” bit is… interesting. Right now I’d be half dead – half crazy without letters, but I guess any learning can be un-learned, right?

  68. CatCat*

    Does anyone have recommendations for decaf coffees?

    I’ve recently had to give up caffeine and started drinking decaf this week. We got some Trader Joe’s decaf and it’s not bad, but I’d like something with a bolder coffee flavor if possible.

    1. nep*

      I found that the decaf French roast at T Joe’s is not bad — have you tried that one?
      I’ll be interested in responses here too.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      The decaf drinker in the family likes Seattle’s Best decaf and does not like Costco’s Kirkland House decaf.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Get decaf from a local roastery! There’s a place near me that has a Brazil decaf that only the snootiest of coffee snobs would be able to tell was decaf by the flavor. It’s great. Smooth and rich and only a medium roast, so not burnt-tasting. It’s more money than your average grocery store offering but I reckon it’s worth it for something really delicious!

      1. Parenthetically*

        WAY on the other end of the spectrum, my parents drink decaf exclusively (mom has a heart issue that precludes caffeine consumption) and they buy the Walmart knockoff of Folgers decaf and make it double strength and it’s bizarrely delicious for what it is?

    5. SophieChotek*

      I drink Caribou Coffee’s cross fox espresso decaf. (This is the blend Caribou uses in its espresso makers in the store, but you can totally drink it as a “regular” coffee.)

      I also have drunk Gevalia and liked it.

      I personally find Starbucks roasts their beans too dark for me; though I need to try their Blonde Espresso.

    6. periwinkle*

      I’m fond of Peet’s Major Dickason blend – it’s bold without being too dark, smooth enough to enjoy black, and readily available at supermarkets. And it comes in decaf! If you like it, I recommend buying it directly from Peet’s because you’ll get freshly roasted beans; if you prefer buying it already ground, they’ll grind it to order. I haven’t seen their decaf Sumatra in stores but it’s available online; it’s bolder with a little tobacco-y undertone. Oh, and although their classic Arabian Mocha Java isn’t available in decaf, they have a similar Mocca-Java decaf.

  69. Cristina in England*

    I posted last week about some unhappiness in my marriage. Well I decided that I was going to ask for what I want, at the very least, as part of some self care. So for Mother’s Day next Sunday I am going to see Black Panther in the cinema by myself! I haven’t been out alone* ** for FIVE YEARS.

    *as in, with no children! Not even babies!
    **apart from a couple of ten minute dental appointments, three trips to the corner shop, and this one time I gave a presentation while a friend watched my baby, nearly five years ago

    1. Todd Chrisley Knows Best*

      I didn’t catch the “in England” part of your username and panicked for far longer than I care to admit that I had somehow failed to realize it was May. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy your weekend!

      1. Cristina in England*

        Hahaha, whoops sorry!! I’m American and I probably should have specified. :-)

    2. Expert Camelid Midwife*

      I recently took myself to see it alone too and it was the best thing I’ve done for myself in a while. Dating yourself is SOOOO important. I so enjoyed myself! So much so I even blurted things out in excitement like I would with a date/friends but didn’t even feel self conscious about it! At one point my “GO ON GIRL!” got audience participation. Great film, and even better great that you are doing something for you. It is SOOO important. I can’t believe you aren’t getting more of this for yourself, but I am so happy you are. This is good for you, and also good for your children. They deserve a mama who is taking care of herself!

      2. Cristina in England*

        Thanks, @Expert Camelid Midwife and @Elizabeth West!

        I briefly lived in South Carolina and our local cinema there was full-on audience participation, but here that would definitely not be the case. I would love to see it that cinema! Would add to the experience I think.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      This is one. Don’t wait so long for the next one. Do things that recharge you. This is important, your family will see a difference in you.
      Enjoy your Mother’s Day!

  70. Loopy*

    I’m not sure if there’s even any advice to give but maybe someone can help/console me:

    About two years ago I was so unhappy at work. Like mental health affecting me level unhappy. So I found volunteering to balance that out and it’s been a lovely bright spot in my life. It’s not a replacement for therapy or anything but the people and the work really helped and I’ve loved it. I especially adored the people who worked at this place. I was going to invite the entire small staff to my wedding I’d grown so close to them all and felt so in-tune with them.

    Apparently, unbeknownst to volunteer-me something (I don’t know what) dramatic happened and two people are suddenly gone. I feel like my happy place has been suddenly turned upside down into a confused atmosphere where everyone is tip-toeing around something. Plus those were friends and now it’ll be hard to stay in touch due to logistics (we don’t live close, that place was a halfway point).

    I just feel like there’s a hole. And my happy volunteering is now strained because suddenly less people and same amount of work and just…

    People leave jobs around me and I’m fine- it’s happened so often. But this feels *so* different and I’m so sad.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I think the first thing you should do is ask someone what happened. You feel like the atmosphere has really changed and you want to understand why. The unknown is always scarier and once you have information, you won’t have to tiptoe anymore, or at least you’ll know what you’re tiptoeing around and why. As part of the organization, even just a volunteer, you have the right to ask this.

      No matter what the answer is, you’ll probably still have to adjust to the changes. That’s a bummer and I’m sorry about it, but things change in life. Probably things will go back to normal after a while, or at least a slightly different normal, probably with a few new people.

      I’m sorry your “happy place” has become a source of stress, that really is a shame. But you can still invite whoever you want to your wedding, and I really do think things will even out after a little while.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes a group of people get together and there is almost a magic to it. They are happy to be together, the work goes well and it’s an enjoyable period in life.

      Then for whatever reason that falls apart. I dunno, I guess nothing lasts forever? It seems cruel. I had a volunteer group that dissolved. I cried for months.

      Time passed. One person in the old group invited me to join a new group. I have been with the new group for a few years. At first it was rocky for Reasons. So I started with the Reason that impacted me, launching new members was too casual. Members need training. I worked on that for a bit. Then I moved on and started doing other things. The group changed. And now the group is happier than I have ever seen. It’s not the same as my old group, but I feel like I am with good people again. And it feels good.

      Time is on your side. You know what to look for in a group. You have some understanding of how groups function in a healthy manner. When you see this again, you will recognize it and know this is what you want. It could be that you bring in new people to your current group OR it could be that you find a new group.

      Just as the good times are temporary, the bad times are also temporary. The hard part is working through the bad times. Start thinking about what you would like to do, is it time to move on? Is there a friend who would love to join you in this group? Do you have a casual acquaintance who would make a good solid contribution to the group?
      And yeah, cry if need be. Sometimes we end up with a volunteer group that becomes an anchor in our lives. It’s solid when not too much else is in life. I believe that if we find that once, we can find that again.

    3. Betsy*

      A similar thing happened to my mother with a mindfulness meditation group she was heavily involved in. Things just seem to have gone a bit sour after she’s been involved for well over a decade. I’ve had similar things happen with joining sports clubs and training a lot and it becoming a major part of my life, only to need to leave due to interpersonal problems between members making it a noxious place to be. I did really struggle leaving the sports club, but it freed up a lot of spare time to just relax or do other things.

      What my mum did was to join some other groups. I think she’s stayed in the meditation group, but joined a sewing group, and some kind of social group, and also goes along to a different meditation group sometimes as well. I don’t think the groups have been a major time commitment– I think they’re more things where you can come one week and not the next if you don’t want to.

  71. The Other Dawn*

    I’m very happy to report that two windows in my house (out of 21) now have curtains! It’s only been more than three years since we moved in…

    I struggle with curtains for some reason, and I guess interior decor in general. What complicates it is that I have an 18th century house and I’m trying to find things that would fit that time period; I don’t want modern. Also, I’ve had cats in the past that have ruined my curtains, so I eventually switched over to all blinds. That was fine in the other house, which was 1920s, but I want something a little nicer now.

    I decided on double rods in warm gold for every window, with decorative finials and curtain hold backs (they look like doorknobs kind of). For the curtains I will use a white sheer on the back rod and a shimmery solid royal blue panel on the front rod. I’ll use one curtain hold back for each window so that the curtain will be held to one side. Even with using cheap curtains, it will still be about $100 per window, so I’m going slow. The most expensive item is the double curtain rod, followed by the finials.

    Two down, 19 to go….

    1. Lcsa99*

      That’s sounds beautiful!

      We were lucky. While the woman who owned our place before us had pretty terrible taste (she PAINTED the beautiful frosted glass shades on the ceiling fan!) the curtains she left behind are at least passable. Not great, but they do the job.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        She painted the glass shades on the ceiling fan? How did light even get through??

        The previous owners, whose mom (who smoked in the house!) lived here until she died, had someone come in and install very cheap carpeting and paint the entire place white before they put the house up for sale. We can tell they used a paint sprayer. That’s not usually a bad thing, but they didn’t cover the HARDWOOD floors and there’s over-spray all over them. No problem. They just covered up with cheap ugly carpeting. Oh, and when they painted they didn’t prep and scuff up the surface underneath, so there are giant bubbles of paint coming off all over. They also didn’t use any painter’s tape when painting the wood panes on the windows, so there’s white paint all over the glass.

        1. Lcsa99*

          The shades only cover half the bulb. So light did get through but it is amazing how much brighter the room is now that I got it all off.

          It’s heartbreaking how little some people care about doing things right. I hope you were able to get rid of the paint on the wood floors! And it probably cost more to fix the problems on the walls than it would have cost them to do it right the first time.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            We haven’t yet gotten to the point of tearing up carpets, although I’d argue the cats are pretty much doing that for us considering the cheap carpeting. We had to pull up a large portion of the rug in the family room in order to access our well (more on that in a minute…) and that’s when we realized there was gorgeous 1920s hardwood under it…covered by white paint drips, splotches, and over-spray.

            So, the well. When we got our inspection during the home buying process the inspector mistakenly thought that the cap for the line to the city sewer was the well cap. He didn’t check to make sure that’s what it was. We bought the house and moved in.

            The first week we were there we needed to have the well water treated. (We had it tested during the inspection and it had come back as having bacteria. The sellers wouldn’t call someone out to do it, but instead gave us money for it at closing. My realtor agreed since we made the sellers pay for some other big ticket safety items.)

            The well people come out and discover that the cap in the yard is for the city sewer line. They look all over the place and can’t find the well anywhere. They give up and also give us some suggestions, such as visiting town hall to see the plans for the house, property, etc. No luck there either. We finally decide to buy a whole-house UV filter, test the water and everything is great. No more brushing our teeth with bottled water.

            One day my husband is walking around in bare feet in the family room and he feels something strange under the carpet. He checks it out and realizes it’s in the shape of a square, maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. He tears up a section of the carpet and finds a cutout in the floor and it has a small hole. He sticks his finger in, pulls up the plywood cutout and finds what looks like a hatch. He opens it…and there’s our well! And it looks exactly like it would have looked in 1735. Hand-dug, perfectly round with stacked stone for the walls. And very dark and deep. And creepy.

            My house was built in 1735 and we figure the family room was added sometime in the very early 1900s–before permits were needed for things. So, yeah, my family room was built over the well, which explains why the sellers gave us the money for treatment instead of having someone out. If we ever need service it’s going to cost a lot of money since they would have to lower someone down to the well pump. If that ever happens, we may decide to pay through the nose and connect to the city water, but I try not to think about it.

            And yes, all my older nephews like to tell the younger nieces and nephews that I have my own version of The Ring in my house.

            1. Lcsa99*

              I…have no words. That’s incredible! I can’t imagine what they were thinking. At least you won’t have to worry about it freezing, I guess?

    2. HannahS*

      That sounds lovely! Curtains are a surprising pain–this apartment is the first place I’ve lived that didn’t have blinds. I have three windows. Well, it took my Dad, my brother, and I three entire days to hang the curtain rods and get the curtains up. The wall where we had to stick the rods is crumbling plaster over steel. I eventually figured out how to jury-rig some Ikea brackets to work in the ceiling, but it was so frustrating. I have a white lace on the back rod and slubby grey cotton on the front rod. I love the look, but again, much more difficult than expected. I had to hem each panel by a good foot to keep them away from the heaters, which took (for eight panels) five hours!

    3. Cristina in England*

      Oh my, you’re not alone! We haven’t had living room curtains for three years, since we got the new windows. And we live on a main road, near a major intersection. Which means we have a giant “outside TV” to watch, though of course people can also see us.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Curtains are such a massive pain. I couldn’t find anything I liked for my house, and my windows are all strange sizes, so I ended up making curtains from cheap Ikea bedspreads for the living room. They are now fading and look terrible, though, so I have to come up with a different plan.

      Recently I decided to change the bedroom window treatment because it was just plain horrendous. I didn’t really know what I was doing when we bought this house, so I had an incredibly oversized wooden curtain rod and plain curtains that hit about halfway between the window and the floor. It looked sort of okay when we had the room arranged differently but now the bed is under the window and I always had the curtains bunched up on the windowsill so that they didn’t get tangled up in the bed. I left it that way for at least 6 years!!

      After several wasted weekends searching for a solution I finally got an inexpensive black double curtain rod from Ikea, blinds that had to be trimmed down, and black-white-beige abstract striped curtains that had to be hemmed. Still not perfect because it lets in too much light but looks a heck of a lot better. Drilling all the holes and putting everything up took all day, though, because my walls are plaster over brick and crumble like mad and I had to fill in all the old holes plus patch the outer bits once I got the wall anchors in. Next job is repainting all the walls but I’m waiting for summer for that!

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Who knew this post would bring out Feelings about curtains!

      I don’t hate them. I just like buying the cheap mini blinds because I tend to have a lot of cats that like to go all Jack from The Shining on them sometimes. Plus when they get gross I can just toss them and spend $5.00 for new ones. Curtains have to be washed, and dressing a window can get expensive. And I also just have a really hard time deciding what would look right.

      My mom, though, was a curtain lover. When we cleaned out the house late last year we found So Many Curtains! I couldn’t believe how many garbage bags we filled. She had at least three sets of curtains for every window. So basically a set for every season. But she wasn’t someone who spent a lot on them. She could go to someplace like Ocean State Job Lot or Big Lots (or whatever discount store you have) and decorate the whole house. Of course, it also made for a bit of an…eclectic…look sometimes, but it always somehow came together and looked really nice. My sister, who was living in the house until we sold it, inherited my mom’s taste and flair for discount shopping and took all the curtains.

      And I hear you all on the plaster walls. 1735 house here, which means it’s all plaster. I tend to use the side window trim for hanging the rod (is that wrong?), so it makes it easier, but the window trim is practically petrified because the wood is so old. Won’t ever fall down though!

  72. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    I was on the hunt for a muffin recipe this morning, so I got sidetracked by my collection of vintage cookbooks. I LOVE old cookbooks. And mine are from the 30’s – early 50s. I periodically just flip through them because they’re fascinating. So much information in them! And stuff you just don’t see nowadays. Whenever I’m in an antique store or used bookshop, I look at the old cookbooks.

    What other odd (or niche) things does anyone collect?

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I have some old Be-Ro recipe pamphlets. My ex husband’s grandma gave them to me.
      https://be-ro.co.uk/f_about.html
      In the earliest one the baking instructions are for coal fires with three temperatures: high, medium and low.
      They are awesome. She really got a kick out of seeing how much I loved them :)

    2. Hakuna Moscato*

      I collect rocks and gemstones. And, um, yarn. I mean, I crochet, but I have a huge yarn stash and there’s no way I could go through it all — especially since I keep adding to it. (Hmm…I guess I also collect crochet patterns….)

    3. nep*

      Not really an odd one, but I’ve got a load of foreign stamps; I simply kept them from a former job (decades ago) where we’d receive mail from all over the world.
      The other day I came across them during some ‘spring’ cleaning and just for kicks I looked up some stamp collector stuff on line. Saw one stamp that’s worth $9 million. (Any stamp collectors here?)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I used to. I got discouraged with it and quit. And other life things went on that had a higher priority. I was looking to sell the collection. I probably have a few thousand in it, but to sell it I would probably get 50 bucks.

        I had an interesting conversation with a man who deals in gold. I mentioned about the stamp market tanking so bad and his comment was, “When metals go down, stamps will go back up again.” He went on to explain when investors lose money in metals they shift to paper such as stamps, currency etc. He felt that the 60s and 70s were kind of a bubble in the stamp market. Which is why I ended up putting so much money into the collection.

        But I learned so much. I would look up the countries to see where they were located and sometimes I would read about the person/thing/animal pictured on a stamp. I am convinced that stamps will give a person the equivalent of a liberal arts degree, if someone digs into the hobby and learns the background story of various stamps.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Do pork tenderloins count?? At last count I had six in the freezer. I must have hit a sale at some point…

      I wouldn’t say I really collect anything. At least, not on purpose. I tend to buy a lot of cookbooks and like to flip through them. I also like old wooden spoons. I actually them, though. I’m of the mind that if I buy something antique I need to get use out of it. Well, within reason. I have a lot of cross stitch kits I haven’t worked on yet.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I love the pork tenderloins.

        Don’t feel bad. I recently cleaned my freezer and discovered I had 18 chicken breasts (all individually wrapped) and 15 pieces of salmon (all about 1/3 pound each, also all individually wrapped)…they kept getting pushed further back, so everytime I needed some…I must have gone out and purchased more…

    5. Lcsa99*

      I collect keychains! Pretty much everywhere we go we get a couple, and a few family members will pick up for us when they travel. We actually have them all linked in a long chain that’s surrounding our kitchen! (It was fun trying to figure out how to move it when we bought our new home) .

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Oooh, that’s a great idea for displaying them! I have a few but they just sit around in a drawer. Sounds like a fun art piece!

    7. BravoMessenger*

      Books! Especially Folio Society ones. Starting to collect vintage Le Creuset but only things I find at thrift shops.

    8. Gala apple*

      I’m always on the lookout for a lovely old landscape painting or print at thrift stores and antique shops.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I like old cookbooks too. I had to cull my collection because DAMN. But I saved the coolest ones. The oldest is a Gold Medal Flour promotional cookbook from 1910.

      Most of my collection frenzy goes into Victorian cabinet cards and the smaller cartes de visite. I’m picky about them, so I don’t like it when people buy them for me. They’re easy to find at flea markets and antique malls, and unless it’s a rare one, not very expensive. What cost me was the old albums with the slots. I’ve got several and am gradually filling them up. I choose them by whether I like the people in the photo and if they have an unusual outfit or prop. I really like it when someone has written their names on the back. :)

      2. SophieChotek*

        Yep – me too regarding Victorian CDVs and Cabinet cards – I buy them if i like the clothes or hairstyle or something unusual, or I find myself making up a story about the people in the photo, etc. But impossible to explain to someone else!

    10. SophieChotek*

      I have some vintage cookbooks too – a White House Cookbook form the early 1900s, several WWI War-time cookbooks (how to cook during rations) a later edition of Mrs. Beeton’s cookbook.

      I mostly collect books, DVDs (have not yet made the jump to digital), antique postcards/ephemera/CDVs, and miscellanious things related to my “name” that i post under here

    11. FrontRangeOy*

      I collect old cook books too! My favorite was published in NYC and is a compendium of Jewish/immigrant recipes from 1910 or thereabouts. I learned that fried cucumbers are totally “a thing,” among other fascinating bits and bobs

    12. Earthwalker*

      I collected books about aviation from before 1945. Some of those pre-WWI ones were written by authors who had no idea how planes flew so the contraptions were pretty funny. I had to send them to the aviation museum when we moved. On the subject of cookbooks, I bought one in an estate sale that was hardly more than a bundle of pages missing cover, binding, and the title pages. A trip to a museum revealed that it’s The White House Cookbook, an edition from around 1905. It’s all in teacups and handfuls – no standard measures – and includes the most amazing chapter at the end on home doctoring of diseases we don’t even have anymore using everyday kitchen ingredients. I’ve never found any use for it but I just can’t part with it.

  73. rosiebyanyothername*

    So in the Nor’easter yesterday, a tree fell on my house… I’m okay, so is my family and cats, but just a very stressful situation, and only about 6 months before I’m moving for grad school. Sleeping on a mattress in the living room until further notice…

    2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      Yikes! Glad your family and kitties are alright. That really sucks.

      I had to sleep on an air mattress for a while. If you have a spare sleeping bag, put it on top then sheets on that. Not as comfortable as a bed, but still pretty comfy.

    5. Oxford Coma*

      I feel you. I had to abandon my car in a drift, walk to a police station, and get taken to a shelter for the night. I didn’t get home from Friday’s work until Saturday night. I slept on the floor of a rec center surrounded by a bunch of strangers, terrified that someone would try to take my expensive work laptop. I am so sore from (barely) sleeping on a concrete floor and from shoveling my car out that I can barely move today. I also was knocked over multiple times by the 50+ mph wind, and my knee is black and feels really messed up.

    1. nep*

      Worst: Stress (linked to unsustainable living situation) and back pain.
      Best: Laughs and hugs with the toddler we help raise. Always pure joy.

    2. The Person from the Resume*

      WORST: Apparently ghosted by a woman I was seeing a few days before my b-day. (See below)

      BEST: One of my best friends told me she didn’t have the kids as expected and that prompted me to plan a birthday celebration with about 6 people. (I didn’t want to do it without her.) Also made plans to celebrate my birthday by having breakfast with my parents. So I have a full birthday day to distract from the ghosting.

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      Worst: My knee is bothering me, and I’m still getting over a cold I picked up last weekend.
      Best:
      -The Cider Summit was amazing! I can’t wait to go back next year!
      -I saw Black Panther on my birthday and it, too, was amazing!
      -I saw Sabaton last weekend, in Madison, WI. What a show!!! I loved the fact that they were headlining, and at a decent venue (one with seats!). It was my fifth time seeing them live and they have been SO GOOD every time. They even played some songs that they usually don’t play, which was awesome. As a belated birthday present my mom got my husband and I a hotel room a couple of blocks from the theater. It was perfect.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Worst: it’s cold and snowy AGAIN here after about four days of 0 to +4 degrees, just enough to lull me into thinking winter was letting up. Nope.

      Best: massage today and a new episode of Call the Midwife!

    6. HannahS*

      Worst: (…this is a bit spoiled brat of me) I learned that I won’t be able to take the vacation I was really hoping to take this summer. I only have two weeks off, and I was hoping to return to Scotland. I still can go on my own, but the tour of the Shetland isles I was really really hoping to go on isn’t really feasible. We’d return to Edinburgh on Sunday, and I’d have to be in Canada in a lecture hall at 9 am on Monday. So now I have to find something else fun to do!

      Best: I had some friends over last night and we’re really cementing our outside-of-school friendships. I’m so happy!

    7. London Calling*

      Best – daylight when I leave in the morning (6.40am) and daylight when I leave work in the evening (5pm). In the morning the birds are singing and there was a blackbird this morning chirping it’s heart out.

      Worst – commuting in London last week, OMG. At midday Friday my train company put out a red alert DO NOT TRAVEL IF YOU HAVE TRAVELLED WE CANNOT GUARANTEE TO GET YOU HOME YOU MIGHT HAVE TO DRAW LOTS TO SEE WHO YOU EAT FIRST IF THE TRAIN GETS STUCK (OK, made the last bit up but the tone really was like that); so I left and was home by 2pm with the heating cranked up and a fridge full of supplies. In the event my part of London had an hour of snow and it was all thawed by mid afternoon Saturday; and we got off lightly in London. Places were cut off and people stranded on motorways for 12 hours…it was a week of chaos. Many thanks to all those people who struggled to work to keep essential services running.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I cannot believe how much of a difference going to work and coming home when it’s light has been making in my mood!

        We had a bit of a snowpocalypse here Friday night. Saturday I was at a meeting all day for the northern part of my area so lots of people were coming from far away. We’re more car-oriented and there is very limited public transit between cities to most people drove. There were something like 90 accidents before 9am.

        1. London Calling*

          It really does, doesn’t it? I’ve had a winter of getting up at 6 and leaving in the dark, and I’m appreciating the onset of lighter mornings much more than I ever have before.

    8. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Had a fun date with DH last night.

      WORST: Long week at the place we don’t mention on weekends. Lots happening there this last week.

  75. SAHM*

    Keurig/Nespresso/Visamo

    I want to get a coffee brewing pod thing, since I’m the only one who drinks coffee in the house, my hubs refuses to learn how to grind and brew a proper pot of coffee and I want him to be able to bring me a cup after baby is born (and I take full advantage of his 8 weeks of pamper me- I mean, paternity leave). I was originally all for the Keurig, but my church has a Visimo (sp?), the Starbucks brand Nespresso I guess, and I LOVE how frothy it comes out. So creamy and yum! But I’m getting way too confused on the differences between the Nespresso and the Visimo, it shouldn’t be this complicated but my brain is just not wired correctly right now. I really would love to just test out the different machines so I can make a more informed decision, but there really isn’t a place like that around here (or is there??). So throwing this out to ya’ll. What are your thoughts, experiences, and opinions????

    1. CAA*

      Do you have a Bloomingdales nearby? Some of their stores have a big Nespresso department where you can try out the machines and taste the coffee. I don’t drink coffee myself unless it’s mostly milk and chocolate, but I was shopping with a friend once and they were really accommodating and let her try several machines and different pods.

      The Starbucks machine is called Verismo. I haven’t seen them in our local Starbucks lately, so I assumed they weren’t selling them any more; but they do have less merchandise space since they remodeled, so maybe it’s just that.

      1. SophieChotek*

        And Bloomingdale’s can have some great sales on Nespresso. Last Oct during their F&F they were offering 30% off the Nespresso, plus another 25% off if you didn’t have their credit card and took it out. I meant to go back and buy one but forgot — I am kind of bummed.

        The K-cups are easiest to find and almost every major coffee chain has the K-cups.
        A friend of mine has Nespresso and k-Cups and she likes the Nespresso better, but agrees the pods are expensive.

        I didn’t like the Verismo; I tried it during a demo at Starbucks and was unimpressed.

    2. Dead Quote Olympics*

      The Sur La Table near me does Nespresso demos. You might check on Williams Sonoma or Macy’s if there is one in your area. FWIW I won’t drink Keurig at all but we stayed in Airbnbs in Europe recently and they all came with Nespresso machines, and I was perfectly happy and I’m seriously thinking of getting one. And I’m a Moka pot stovetop espresso snob for home coffee, so switching would be big for me.

      I found this useful as I investigate: https://www.thecoffeemaven.com/compare-nespresso-machines/

    3. periwinkle*

      As I mentioned in the coffee discussion earlier in the open thread, I used to use a “real” espresso machine but recently switched to Nespresso. At work we have Keurigs. I’ve never tried a Verismo but the system looks pretty Nespresso-ish.

      I love my Nespresso Latissima+, which is an OriginalLine machine. Nespresso also has a VertuoLine series, which can make coffee or espresso (OriginalLine is espresso, but of course you can make Americanos). Nespresso’s base machine in either line is priced comparably to the Verismo, but you can upgrade and spend a heck of a lot more! The Latissima+, which has a milk container for 1-touch lattes, retails for $400. Luckily Nespresso frequently has 30% or 35% discounts on their machines! Nespresso pods for the OriginalLine are 70 to 75 cents each right now, with special edition pods priced a bit higher. When you order pods, you can request a pre-paid recycling bag; when it’s full of used pods, seal it up and drop it off at a UPS outlet.

      Keurigs are ubiquitous and inexpensive. I do not like the coffee they produce, it’s just so blah. But convenient. You can buy a reusable pod to fill with your own coffee, but I suspect your husband won’t want to deal with that! That’s more of an environmental benefit than a flavor one; coffees I like in normal form (such as Starbucks Veranda light roast) are still blah from a Keurig.

      Given my experience with Nespresso, I would buy it again, no hesitation.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I got a Nespresso Essenza mini (the De’Longhi version) which came with an Aeroccino milk frother. I love it. The pods are much less expensive than my previous Starbucks habit, so I come out on top in that respect. Also you can get a pre-paid bag from Nespresso to send in your used pods.

  77. Gingerbread*

    Anyone with flat feet have good recommendations for workout shoes? My feet kill me after jogging for a few minutes.

    3. Gingerblue*

      I’ve had good luck in the past with Sauconys, which run wide and low-arched and which a running store recommended to me for that reason. It’s been a few years since I bought any, though.

      1. Overeducated*

        I have had good experiences with Saucony shoes and flat feet too. Don’t get anything that says “minimalist,” if they make those now, you want at least medium support.

    4. Lady Jay*

      I’d suggest going to a running store and getting specially fitted. Running stores have the technology to measure/map your feet, see which direction they lean, what your arches look like, etc; they use this to recommend the brand best for you. I’ve bought all my running shoes at specialty stores and really appreciate their expertise.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Yes this. I wear Brooks but only because I was evaluated at a running shop with excellent staff.

  78. The Person from the Resume*

    I’ve been ghosted by someone I’ve been seeing for a bit over a month. Due to opposite work schedules and her crazy life we didn’t see each other much but she was calling me regularly when we’re both awake and not working right up until the ghosting. I’m angry. I’m not sad; there were signs that we weren’t going to last but it’s disrespectful and insulting to be ghosted. I think I just want her to be an adult and deliver the bad news herself. I doubtful I’d even be upset enough to cry but the relationship was far enough along and her last communication was a text that she’d call ASAP so ghosting is way inappropriate.

    ** I suspect she got back with her ex due to Facebook sleuthing but that’s a shock because it was a nasty breakup.

    2. misspiggy*

      Sorry. It’s never fun when people take the low road. Hope you meet someone better soon.

    3. Marthooh*

      Have you called her? Maybe something came up, or she forgot, or… maybe she got back together with her ex. A “What’s up? Are you okay?” text/call is a way to find out for sure, instead of stewing over it.

      (But if you have tried to get in touch, kindly ignore the above condescending advice.)

  79. Nacho*

    Late post because I’ve just spent all day moving into my new condo and all I want to do now is sleep even though it’s not even 7:00 here, but there’s still so much stuff to unpack and God I just want it to end. I am so glad I took tomorrow off work. Might consider taking Monday off too if they’ll let me

    2. Lcsa99*

      Congrats on the new condo! It’s so exciting to have a new place. And I would highly recommend taking Monday if you can. When we moved in October, I had saved a week of vacation time just for unpacking and it made a world of difference.

      Enjoy your new home!

    3. SophieChotek*

      Congrats on new place – !

      I guess try to do a little bit and not be too overwhelmed…if you can…=)

    4. it's all good*

      Congrats! I feel your pain, we moved in December and our garage is still full of boxes (we downsized). The room we lost is my office and I really need to dig out some important papers but I.JUST.CAN’T.FEELIT. There is always something better to do. I’m also debating on whether or not to transfer all my office stuff from boxes to plastic totes. But then I think if someone breaks in, it would be too easy to figure out the contents. Any other office garage storage suggestions? (I don’t care if anyone sees the contents of my office supply boxes, more concerned about important papers.

  80. Casuan*

    Trying to decide whether to use Google Calendar or the native iOS calendar. My portable devices are Apple & my desktop is PC, although in the distant future I’ll probably switch to Mac because Windows is getting ridiculous by not letting the user customise as much as prior versions.
    On my iDevices I use Fantastical 2, although that’s just for ease of entry.
    With the ability to show gCalendars on iOs & the vice-versa, the only difference seems to be that iOS has an entry for travel times & Google does not.
    Now that I think of it, I need to decide where to store my contacts, as well.
    Suggestions, please!
    & What do you use & why?

    1. Observer*

      Using Google calendar means you can see your calendar on your computer. I’m pretty sure you can’t do that with the iCalendar.

    2. Jules the First*

      I use google calendar because you can integrate your calendar and Gmail so that things like flights and hotel reservations get automatically added to your calendar in the right time zones. If you put locations in, it will also make your appointments have pretty pictures or fun doodles so that it’s much clearer what the purpose of the event is at a glance and you can colour code individual events without having to keep multiple calendars. Travel time is not really something I worry about, but if I’m going somewhere unfamiliar, you can get Google Maps to remind you when it’s time to leave. I also hate the layout of Apple’s calendar app – the google version lets you scroll easily through weeks of your calendar and has plenty of space for attaching notes or documents or links.

      I use the native apple calendar app to handle an outlook calendar on my work phone and gosh, I have never been so late so often because I can never get a handle on my day. Still trying to persuade my IT guys to let me use the Outlook apps for iPhone (I miss Sunrise!) instead…

    3. Reba*

      I use iCal with google calendar. They can definitely talk to each other–not perfectly, but for my needs it works and AFAIK no calendar program will work exactly how I want it and handle different time zones without any hitches.

      I like the setup because I can add things via G when I’m away from my personal devices. The main annoyance is that from time to time the same event will get “found” in like 5 different places and copied into iCal.

      If I were doing heavy-duty scheduling I’d probably look for something else altogether.

  81. Elizabeth West*

    I’ll take Weird Medical Things for 500, Alex!!

    I have had this weird pain roughly in the area where my right ovary would be for ages. It’s not pain exactly, more like discomfort. I talked to my doctor about it and we both thought maybe it could be an ovarian cyst, but I have no money for an ultrasound until I get a job with health insurance again. This bumblef*ck red state did not expand Medicaid and as a single adult with no kids, I’m not eligible.

    I’m not having any other worrisome symptoms, just the discomfort. It seems to be worse around mid-cycle and after my period. It started after I had that really bad fall at the ice rink in January 2016; along with a neck sprain, I pulled something in that area and it took ages to heal. A different doc looked a few months after the fall and said ovaries seemed fine, it was probably a lingering injury that would resolve, but it never really went away.

    Could a fall aggravate a cyst? Was it a coincidence? Could I have torn a ligament? I can’t find anything online. It’s a challenge!

    1. Casuan*

      The older I get the more I realise that anything is possible… & I know there’s something called referred pain where one has pain somewhere & the real issue is something totally unrelated… & with comments like my last phrase that’s why I didn’t go into medicine.

      Really, Elizabeth, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for the troubles. It’s always vexing not to know how or why something hurts & it’s worse when one can’t get the needed tests to sort it out.
      A challenge, indeed!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        there’s something called referred pain where one has pain somewhere & the real issue is something totally unrelated

        It’s probably aliens. It’s always aliens.

        1. Casuan*

          True!!
          Just to be safe, don’t wear a red shirt & you should be fine.

          Seriously, I hope you feel better & can get tested soon.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Damn. I am trying to think of a way for you to get the ultrasound without paying for it. some hospitals have community foundations. If I was Queen of the Universe everyone would have access to health care. I the meantime here are good vibes for your health, happiness, and speedy employment with health insurance: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My go-to for pain is to check my water intake first. Lately, I fill a pitcher and keep it on the counter, the pitcher has to be empty before bed time. Ideally a few hours before bedtime.

      Next, does the pain respond to a muscle cream such as Bengay or essential oil for pain like peppermint oil? That might be a cheap way of figuring out if it is a muscle or something else.

      I know my period exasperated whatever little thing I had going on. So I kind of discounted the increased levels of pain in some instances. You are the one living with it, so your judgement is the best on this one.

      In general does the pain seem to be going down each month, staying the same or getting worse?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Since the onset of the pain coincided with the fall, I am optimistic that it is still that muscle trying to heal.
          You know I have been having annoying muscle problems lately and the doc said I was neglecting my veggies. Yeah, I got into this pasta made from lentils and some other stuff and the veggies were not a focus for me. So now I am back doing salads and more cooked veggies and it seems to be helping a lot.

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      I have had ovarian cysts ever since I started having periods, but I didn’t know it for the longest time. Just always felt that nagging, tugging, irritation. Then when I was in graduate school I was playing softball, I reached up to catch the ball, and all of a sudden I felt like I’d been stabbed in the lower abdomen. I went to the ER later that evening (worried about appendicitis) and found out I’d ruptured an ovarian cyst. So, if the simple act of stretching my arms up could rupture a cyst I don’t see why a fall couldn’t aggravate things. I’m sorry that you can’t get it looked at and that you don’t have health insurance. I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Nagging, tugging, irritation–yes, kind of like a warm ache. It’s more annoying than anything else.
        Man, I hope I find a job soon. And it has awesome benefits. That start right away. I need contact lenses too!

    6. Nynaeve*

      Maybe try looking for a college near you that offers an ultrasound technician/ diagnostic medical sonographer program. They’re always looking for people to practice on, so they’ll usually do it for free. The students are supervised by a professional technician, so they’ll be able to flag if there is anything serious. They may even be able to print you a copy of your results to give to your doctor. (Possibly. Not 100% sure about this.)

  82. SophieChotek*

    Looking for movie or TV series recs…

    So the other night I was in the mood for a mystery/thriller. I tried “The Snowman” based on the Jo Nesbø thriller – and never got into it. I was totally in the mood for that type of movie…but couldn’t get into it – give it 33 minutes, before I gave up…

    I feel like I’ve pretty much watched every major crime drama series on TV (e.g. NCIS, CSI, Criminal Minds, Bones, Lie to Me, Leverage, etc., etc., and going back to the early 2000s – The Closer, Major Crimes, Body of Proof, Medium, Law and Order, Ghost Whisperer, Father Dowling, Without a Trace, Covert Affairs, 24, Alias), and BBC and PBS series too (e.g. Foyle’s War, Cold Case, Law and Order UK, Crossing Lines, Father Brown, Miss Fisher, Inspector Lynley, Vera, Endeavor, The Collection, Doctor Blake, Agatha Christie series, Wallandar, Blue Murder, Mr and Mrs. Murder, etc.). Plus a lot of BBC mini-series and Hulu/Netflix series (Thirteen, The Tunnel, The Fall, etc.)

    I am sure I’ve watched a lot of the major theatrical releases on DVD (Psycho, Gone Baby Gone, Shutter Island, Changeling, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Taken, Bone Collector, etc.). Can’t even think of any really good examples right now to write about them…

    So…I guess I am just looking for some recs? It’s hard to know what to request from the library or see if it is on hulu or netflix or amazon, if one’s doesn’t know what to look for. I’ve sorted by “genres” on all those platforms, but nothing jumped out at me…

    Thanks!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I know you mentioned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but have you seen the full trilogy on Netflix? It isn’t just the movies. It’s like an extended cut that feels far more like a mini-series. It’s quite a bit better than the cinematic releases of the films.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Not sure if these are available to stream, but I really like El secreto de sus ojos and L’appartement.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        The Dinner (original Italian one, not the American remake) is interesting, too.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        And maybe this doesn’t count strictly as thriller/mystery, but I’d recommend Advantageous, which is on Netflix right now.

        1. SophieChotek*

          will check out Advantageous. I have seen El secreto de sus ojos….and L’appartement sounds familiar….will double-check. Thank you!

    4. Effie, who is pondering*

      *all recs have English subtitle options*

      If you like Leverage, there’s a great Malay crime show on Netflix called “Persona”. It’s less grandiose.

      “Unriddle” is another awesome Malay crime show on Netflix, it’s more like “The Closer” and very action-packed.

      “Mind Game” is maybe my favorite Malay crime show on Netflix, and it’s similar to “Criminal Minds”. However there’s some woo stuff in it that is common in Asian dramas that you might find out of place/jarring.

      Best of all, they all star strong women characters :)

    5. Caledonia*

      Have you tried Spiral (French with English subs) – this was on the BBC so maybe you have. Trapped was brilliant too (Icelandic).

      If you haven’t seen Line of Duty I highly recommend that.
      You could google “Walter Presents” which is a Channel4 international box set thing that often has crime dramas on it. Dicte is quite good.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Thank you – yep, Spiral I’ve seen…
        will double-check Line of Duty though, thanks!

    6. Becky*

      You mention you’ve watched a lot of BBC–I hope you’ve seen Broadchurch?

      If you don’t mind supernatural elements to your mysteries–iZombie or (a little older) Tru Calling.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Yep done both of those. (I knew I wouldn’t remember every one when I was writing above. Thanks for the recs anyway though.

      2. SophieChotek*

        Oh yeah, forgot I watched Tru Calling and the TV series version of Dead Zone…
        Yep – see some of Broadchurch…I feel like I wasn’t in the right mood when I tried it, but maybe now I am/would be…!

    7. Dr. KMnO4*

      -These were on Netflix last I checked: The Blacklist (a TV series), and Dream Lover (a movie). Both star James Spader. Also on Netflix: Daredevil and Jessica Jones. I only made it partway through Daredevil (can’t stand Matt Murdock) and haven’t watched Jessica Jones yet but I’ve heard great things about it.
      -If you are into suspenseful horror that isn’t gory but is still scary, try Marble Hornets. I believe it’s on YouTube, but it’s also been released on DVD.
      -Other good horror that’s not very gory: Suspiria, and The Shining (which I’m sure you’ve probably seen but it deserves a mention).
      -Thrillers that I’ve enjoyed, that *just so happen to* star Harrison Ford: Firewall, The Fugitive, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, Air Force One, Cowboys and Aliens, Hollywood Homicide (comedy/action/sort-of-mystery)

      1. SophieChotek*

        Thanks for all the recs.

        Like you, I need to try Jessica Jones.

        (Yep seen all those that “happen” to have Harrison Ford.) =)

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t stop recommending Dark on Netflix. It’s a German series that’s like a cross between Stranger Things and Broadchurch. It’s more sci-fi than mystery but very much has those elements. I loved it and cannot wait for more.

      If you’re in the US, Netflix defaults to the dubbed version and the English dubbing is AWFUL. So change it to German with English subtitles or you’ll want to rip your hair out. Seriously, the dubbing is that bad.

      I also just finished Altered Carbon, also on Netflix, which started out kind of slow (and unintentionally hilarious) but OMG did I get sucked into it. Action, mystery, definite thrills.

    10. LNLN*

      My husband and I are watching Wanted on Netflix. It’s about 2 Australian women on the run from the cops. It’s very suspenseful and there is some quiet humor at times. We are really enjoying the show! There are 2 seasons available to watch.

    11. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      have you seen the Swedish Wallander also? the last season is coming out!

      otherwise, off the top of my head and in no particular order:
      The Loch
      The Secret
      The Indian Detective
      Frankie Drake Mysteries
      Murdoch Mysteries
      Republic of Doyle is somewhat mystery – he’s a PI
      Private Eyes
      Cardinal

    12. Amey*

      Have you watched Line of Duty from the BBC? It’s very good and sounds up your street (but you’ve probably seen it!)

    13. Cruciatus*

      We’ve watched a lot of the same things so here are some others roughly in those categories I’ve enjoyed: Orphan Black, Bates Motel, The Missing, Damages, Lost, Friday Night Lights, Justified, Stranger Things, Dexter, Deutschland 83, Elementary, Sherlock, Battlestar Galactica, Warehouse 13, Fringe. I could probably come up with a hundred more. I’d say these are all dramas, but some may have a supernatural or fantasy twist (Ophan Black, Stranger Things, Fringe, Warehouse 13). Some are more thrilling (Dexter, Bates Motel, Deutschland 83) and so on.

    14. Also anon for this*

      The Night Manager, on Amazon Prime I think – action, suspense, some violence.

      I really enjoyed Midsomer Murders, on Netflix. Almost cozy, but they don’t shy away from showing post-murder scenes.

    15. SophieChotek*

      Thank you all – I am sorry I did not reply individually, but I have copied and pasted all your suggestions and will work my way through them -I am sure a few will catch my interest!

  83. Ann Furthermore*

    So last week I posted about my daughter’s friend coming over for a sleepover, but being a little scared and nervous since it was her first sleepover, and she’d never been to our house before. She had a couple of rough moments, which I talked her through. I told her that yes, sleeping over at someone else’s house is kinda weird when you think about it, but it’s fun to stay up late goofing off with your friends. Then I told her I was so glad she’d come over, how excited my daughter had been all week, and that I was so glad my daughter had a friend as nice as she is.

    I really hoped she’d make it through the night because I figured she’d wake up in the morning and be proud of herself and ready for the next one. If she’d gone home then it would be a really big deal next time, and just snowball from there.

    I’m happy to say that she did it! The girls stayed up until 2 in the morning giggling and watching silly videos, ate junk food, and snuck around the house…. you know, all those things you’re supposed to do at a sleepover when you’re 9.

    2. Effie, who is pondering*

      Aw yay! I still remember when I was twelve and one of my friends had to go home during my sleepover and feel a bit bummed about it. Happy for you that it turned out well!

  84. KatieKate*

    Anyone have a source for good nonbiany clothing? I’m afab looking add more ~masculine ~ clothing into my wardrobe.

    1. gender clothing*

      Can you shop in the men’s sections? it might take some trying out to find what works for you but that’s what I did.

        1. gender clothing*

          Yes, that’s a problem. I typically have to have things altered like in the sleeves and waist sometimes (larger hips),and hemming. Also, sometimes online, there are more sizes than in stores – for some reason Gap jeans have always fit me well but the stores never carried my size. Sometimes there are more unisex clothing like at LLBean etc. but you have to search for it. There are clothing places for transguys and short men but they have tended to be more expensive so I never ordered from there.

    2. oranges & lemons*

      I have this issue also. I’ve generally found it’s easier to find masculine-looking women’s clothing, since most men’s clothing is way too big for me (I’m pretty short though). I’ve considered looking into boys’ clothing, but I’m guessing the styles will not exactly be my thing. Apparently Donna Tartt wears pretty much all boys’ clothing, though, and she always looks pretty sharp. My long term plan is to get better at sewing and learn to tailor larger clothes to fit me.

  85. Wrong Anon*

    Anyone have any advice for when you were wrong and a family member or friend was right? I have had mousy brown hair my whole life. All one length and long since I was a child. I’ve never done coloring or highlights before. I used basic shampoo, washed my hair at night every other day and never used a blow drier or straightening thing or anything else like that.

    I’ve always wished I was blonde. I was dumb and did not want to pay for it. My cousin’s wife is a hairdresser and she told me not to try it at home. I watched a video on YouTube and thought I could do it. I messed up my hair and the color was not right when I did it at home. I tried 3 times and went from pee yellow to orange and then pee yellow with orange strips. Not to mention how much the bleach hurt my scalp. I didn’t know I was not supposed to bleach 3 times in a row. My hair was breaking and like straw the next day. I tried to go to a salon to get it fixed and had to pay hundreds of dollars. My scalp was so sensitive and afterwards I had to go to the hospital. I may have lied to them about my hair history because I was embarrassed. That meant my scalp was burned even more and the color fix made it worse. I went to the place my cousin’s wife works at. The owner of her salon who has done hair in Hollywood said that no amount of money would fix my hair. It was breaking off and falling out everywhere. In whole patches my hair was only a couple of inches long and in others was all the way down my back. It had pee yellow and 2 different kinds of orange.

    To save it I had to cut to less then an inch and dye it back to my natural mousy brown. The alternative according to the fancy salon owner and 2 other good salons I went to was being completely bald. My scalp was burned and there are a few tiny patches where no hair is noticeable. They won’t be visible once my hair is longer than a few inches. It will take over 3 years for my hair to get back it’s length. My hair was the one thing I liked about myself and I hate it now.

    I live in the hottest part of the country so wigs and hats are out as an option. I tried a wig and couldn’t survive an hour. I couldn’t do it. My hair is too short for extensions now but even when it is long enough they are expensive and time consuming and will damage my hair and scalp further. I am never coloring or doing anything else to my hair ever again. I will go gray in my own time when it comes. For now I have to wash my hair every day in the morning because it is so short if I don’t it looks greasy and awful. Once it gets longer I’m back to every other night at night with ordinary shampoo and no blow dryer or anything else. I am starting to get a mullet but I want it to grow so bad and I don’t want to cut it ever again.

    The thing is, everyone in my family knows what my cousin’s wife told me. Our father’s are identical twins and our mother’s are sisters only 13 months apart. We share the same maternal and paternal family and they all know what she said because they were there or because I told them before I tried my experiment. My friends and co-workers also know because I told them. I am embarrassed. My mother told me I need to stop complaining because people love me but are getting tired of it. I know she is right. I can’t believe how bad I messed this up. It is my own fault and everyone knows I was wrong. My cousin’s wife has not said anything to me but my anxiety tells me she is gleeful and mocking me (I told you so) behind my back even though there is nothing to indicate that.

    So, how do you deal with being wrong in a very public and embarrassing way when someone told you not to do something and you did anyways and complete screwed yourself over? Thanks in advance to anyone who reads/answers.

    1. TL -*

      Oh no! That sounds so awful. It also sounds like something I would do, so take heart. You aren’t the first person that this has happened to and you won’t be the last – there are tons of stories like yours on the internet.

      I doubt your cousin’s wife is secretly mocking you. I know if I was her in the situation, I would just feel bad for you. If you want to do anything, I would just ask her for advice on getting your scalp and hair back to healthy. Even if you don’t take it, she’d probably like to feel like she’s helping. I would, personally, laugh a bit ruefully, say “Serves me right for not listening to the expert!” and then ask her for advice on growing it out again.

      And I know how important hair is to identity – but it is just hair and yours will grow back. Plenty of women and men rock short hairstyles and you can too. Try to own both your story and your hair – we all have embarrassing stories like this in our past!

    2. Cristina in England*

      Oh no, I’m so sorry. I think the key to dealing with it is to try and accept that this is the situation. You’re now a short haired person, for the next few years. When you have short hair your features stand out differently, the jewellery you wear is in a different proportion. Immerse yourself in short hair tutorials on YouTube if you need to, spend a bit on cute hair clips or headbands or giant dangly earrings and embrace it as fully as you can. Look up pics of Miley Cyrus, Anne Hathaway, or, if you’re closer to my age, Dolores O’Riordan (RIP), Winona Ryder, Michelle Williams, or Tegan and Sara. All of these women have had really short hair and have made it their own.

      There was a young beauty vlogger recently who burned off all her hair with chemicals in a similarly embarrassing story (she used a chemical relaxer for black women who want to straighten their hair, but she’s white with naturally straight hair). She was devastated but then she started to feel more confident and rocked a buzz cut pretty well. If I can find it I will post a link in a reply.

    3. Thlayli*

      Hi there! The best way to deal with public humiliation like that is to try to get a sense of humour about it and make a joke out of it. If it happened in a movie you’d be laughing right? It’s funny. Even if you can’t see that try to act like you can and people will forget about it quick enough.

      I’ve experimented with my hair lots – I’ve had it every colour I can think of, bleached, shaved, dreadlocks, you name it. I’ve had my share of mess ups and hideous outcomes. It’s just hair, it grows back. It’s the safest part of your body to experiment with. It’s not like a messed up tattoo! Both times I shaved it (blade 2 so we are talking SHORT) was to get rid of other hairstyles that I didn’t like. Lots of people thought I was crazy but you know what, it’s not a big deal. I think it’s funy when people judge me based on my hair. It’s just hair. It grows back. I take the attitude what’s the big deal. We have this whole body part that we can do ANYTHING we like with – even remove it entirely – and it doesn’t hurt, and it grows back. That’s such an awesome thing to have it’s like the universe is saying “hey go have fun with this!” It takes me 3 years to get it long too but there’s loads of fun hairstyles you can have in between. At the moment I’m a pixie cut.

      I do think it’s probably likely that your family have had a bit of a chuckle about the situation. But it’s also likely they’ve felt very sorry for you about it. It’s possible to recognise the humour in a situation while still empathising with the person in it. Like when you see those videos of someone falling down a hole – first reaction is to laugh, second reaction is “OMG I hope they’re ok”. That’s normal. It’s not “mocking” to recognise the humour as well as the sadness in a situation. I’m sure plenty of people would disagree with me on this, but I think my attitude is pretty common also. Especially when the stakes are so low (it’s not like you cut your leg off). So again I would say try to recognise the humour and have a laugh about it yourself. Imagine yourself in the future looking back and saying omg remember the time I burned all my hair off – how hilarious was that! That’s when you’ll know you’ve really kicked anxiety’s ass.

      It sounds like you’re seeing a therapist already since you have a diagnosis so hopefully you can work with her to realise that it’s just hair, it’s not that big a deal, and that even if people do recognise the humour in the situation that doesn’t mean they don’t feel sorry for you or love you any less.

      Also – I know you said you’re too afraid to ever try this again – but in case you do want to. There is a way. I’ve been told by loads of hairdressers not to bleach my hair at home and it’s not possible to be blonde with hair like mine. I’ve ignored them all and experimented with my own hair lots and I’ve managed beautiful baby blonde hair on more than one occasion. Here’s how:

      It’s a two-stage process over at least 3-4 days. Firstly you get proper hair bleach that has peroxide in it. The best place to look for this is in those teenage goth /punk shops where they sell all the crazy hair colours like purple etc. The pack you are looking for is probably called “pre-lightener” or similar it’s not the final colour pack. Now bleach your hair all over. Follow the instructions on the pack. It burns. Do not do this if you or anyone you live with are pregnant and leave a window open. Wear old clothes and stay away from anything you like. Clean the sink all up ASAP before you go sit down. Don’t forget to set timer before you clean it up. I usually sit very still on an old towel on the bed and watch tv it read something while it works away. Make sure you don’t leave it on longer than the pack says. When it comes to washing it out put some water on your head then massage it all around so it’s all wet, then rinse it out. Cant remember if you shampoo and condition now I think so but check the pack. Make sure it’s rinsed thoroughly. Towel dry gently don’t blow dry. Your hair is now completely dead and your scalp is raw. When it dries it will be a nasty orange-yellow colour. And it will feel like straw. This is the way it should be. It sounds like you got as far as this before.

      Next step – wait 3 days. Wash it max once in these 3 days and go light on shampoo and heavy on conditioner. This is the bit you missed. Your hair may be dead but your scalp will recover, your roots will grow in a tiny bit and some protective oils will build up. This step is very important. It’s because you didn’t allow your hair to recover that it all got burnt.

      The second step is to dye the colour in. pick a blonde hair dye (I like nice n easy). Most of these are designed to only go a shade or two lighter. And most have pics of before and after in the pack. Compare your hair to the before pics. If your hair is darker than the darkest before pic then you want to leave it on for the max length of time it says on the pack. Follow instructions carefully. Ignore the bit about not using on already coloured hair. Dont leave it on longer than the pack says. Wash it out thoroughly and use a good quality conditioner. Towel dry and don’t blow dry. And viola! Baby blonde hair.

      When the roots grow in you can’t pre-lighten them, because a second pre-lightener will burn your hair. So you either have to accept roots or dye your whole hair back to match the roots, or else (this is my preferred option) use a darker blonde dye on the lot. This gives it a nice natural look that blends from darker roots to lighter tips. At this point after three dyes the ends of your hair will be in flitters so it’s time for a haircut. The hairdresser will tell you you’ve destroyed your hair and it’s totally dead. Tell her “yes I know it’s dead that’s coz I killed it with bleach. Make sure you use a good conditioner for my dead hair”. She will think you are crazy. Ignore her.

      And enjoy!

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I did something similar to myself once (naturally blonde, dyed black, then tried to go back to blonde again). I ended up with a horrendous shade of purply brown with greenish streaks for months until I cut it short and let it grow out again. I ended up getting it cut more frequently than I wanted just to get rid of the horrible color.

      It takes time but your hair will come back. Bandanas, light scarves, etc. might be a sufficiently lightweight head cover for now. You might even find that having short hair is a fun new look for a while. I kind of enjoyed having short curly hair, even though I knew I didn’t want it to stay that way.

      As for your cousin, well, she was right but try not to dwell on it. Someday it will seem funny to you.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Forgive yourself? Such as simple sentence yet so hard to do.

      I really don’t think your cousin is too worried about all this. She tried to help, you did your own thing and that is it.

      It will heal. Give your self a nice scalp massage when you wash your hair, that will tend to help.

      A few things to think about:
      We all have times where we do not heed the advice from others. Conversely, we have all given advice and been ignored. It happens, it’s part of being human.

      You indicate you had a learning experience so that means all is not lost here.

      Is your family still talking about this? Maybe if you stop talking about they will also. OR, OTH, it could be that your family is a bit overbearing and this is a symptom of a larger problem? I can’t tell. Try not mentioning it any more and see where that puts you.

      Like the rest of us, you will go on and make more mistakes in life. Consider this practice for how you want to handle future mistakes. The goal is to find that place where you can say, “Yeah, I messed up. But time will help fix this. And I learned something.”

      You are not completely screwed over. This WILL heal. It’s not permanent, although it will take a while to settle down. Hopefully you can reframe your self-talk here. You are NOT completely screwed over. Time is your friend. This today is the worst it is going to be. Tomorrow will be a tiny, tiny bit better, likewise with the next day. Each day tiny improvements will happen. After a bit you will be able to see the improvements, you just can’t see them right now.

    6. fposte*

      It’s possible that cheerfully saying to your cousin’s wife “Wow, were you ever right!” will help you feel like you’re putting a period on this period, as it were. While this is a huge thing for you, she deals with this stuff all the time (hence why she knew it was a bad idea), so to her it’s more like you thought you could copy and paste from a PDF and keep formatting, not a big personal drama.

      If you’ve otherwise liked her (the fact that she hasn’t said anything to you points in her favor), you might also ask for her help in managing the grow-out stage; it’s possible doing a little layering and strategic cutting might be better than just never touching it until it’s long again.

      You also mention anxiety, and this seems to be a big anxiety thing for you–are you getting help for that generally? If not, maybe it’s time to consider that–this sounds like it’s been miserable and it would be nice for it not to be.

    7. the gold digger*

      I am so sorry! Those among us who have never, AS AN ADULT,

      1. dyed our own hair with Sun In, seen it turn orange, run to the drugstore for real hair dye to make it blonde, realized it was too blonde and run back to the drugstore for brown color to weave in
      2. cut our own hair
      3. cut our own hair again and had to wear a baseball cap to work (OK, it was as a swimming teacher, but still)
      4. dyed our hair reddish only to have it come out as MAGENTA
      5. put purple “temporary” highlights in our hair only to discover on Monday before work that “temporary” means “will fade to lavender over the course of a few weeks”
      6. cut our own hair AGAIN

      may cast the first stone.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I would add, used one of those ridiculously strong home-highlighting kits where you have to wear then little plastic cap and use a mini crochet hook to pull sections not of hair through, left the highlighting stuff on too long, ended up with weird yellow stripes and then had to run to the 24-hr drugstore under cover of Darkness with hair in a bandanna to pick up another home hair colour kit to done down the weirdness…

        Or, you know. So I’ve heard.

        (Ahem.)

        1. Also anon for this*

          I ended up with leopard spots. Yeah, not a good look. Fortunately I had long hair and when in a pony tail the spots were less noticeable, but I stopped with the cap and hook method after that!

        2. LibbyG*

          Isn’t that called frosting your hair?

          I once tried at home dye and overshot chestnut brown to goth black.

          I hope your burden lifts, OP and you can start to feel more or less OK about all this soon.

      3. Thursday Next*

        Magenta THAT RAN…all over my pillowcases, towels, and clothes for weeks before I decided to pay the hundreds of dollars to have corrective coloring done at a salon.

    8. Temperance*

      Honestly, you’re already suffering due to the hair situation that you’re in right now. I definitely recommend getting regular trims, even though you don’t want to. The growing out process will look better if you go to a salon and have them help you along.

      Plenty of people make mistakes. Yours had pretty tough personal consequences. Try and be kind to yourself.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I tried a different red once and it came out like clown hair. Think Bozo. Thank the universe I had used semi-permanent color–I was able to get it out, but it too hours and hours and my hair took a week to recover. I had to go to an interview like this, too! It was a non-profit job, and the panel was dressed very conservatively–I’m convinced to this day my clown hair did me in.

      I can relate to this, because as a child, I also wanted to be blonde. My original hair was a light chestnut, and I ended up spending many years as a redhead until keeping up with the greys got too annoying. There is no way I would have done it myself, because bleaching hair can be tricky, and I am notorious for messing this kind of thing up.

      Having my color done is like a mini-spa day for me. My stylist uses really nice products, gives me a scalp massage, and she looooves to style me at the end even if I’m not going anywhere. We joke that I’m like her play Barbie head, LOL. And it looks so much better than if I did it. She can do highlights and lowlights that would be impossible for me to do on my own. It’s expensive, yes, but I’m paying for two things: her expertise, and a special treat for myself. I understand wanting to save money. It helps if you think of it like pampering yourself because you’re worth it.

      Your hair will grow back. It will be fine. *HUG* In the meantime, rock your short hair and feel free to be creative with it–temporary colors, accessories, etc.

    10. Florida*

      How do you deal with public humiliation/being wrong? Own it. If you say, “You were right. I should’ve listened to the expert.” Then what can she possibly say? You are agreeing with her. Cousin’s wife might find pleasure in pointing out that she was right and you were wrong, but if you point it out for her, then there isn’t much else she can do.
      Also, embrace your short hair. I’ve never had your exact hair situation, but I have brain surgery in high school. Obviously, the surgery required to an undesirable haircut. People take their cues from you. If you are mortified, other people will be mortified for you. If you treat it like it’s just one of life’s punches and you are rolling with it, other people will roll with it too.
      Mostly I would say that you do not need to let your cousin’s wife humiliate you. She can say what she wants to, but ultimately it is up to you whether you let her humiliate you. (This is much easier said than done, for sure.) You can acknowledge your mistake without being humiliated.

    11. Thursday Next*

      It’s great that you can distinguish that it’s *your anxiety* feeding you lies about what your relative is thinking. That’s so important, and a big win for you. Hold on to that, and try to remind yourself as well that this event, which has held so much importance to you, hasn’t been central to other people you know, and isn’t playing as big a role in their own narratives of themselves or of you. (Though wow, what a uniquely intertwined family situation you have! I can see how that makes things harder.)

      I understand hair-specific anguish, and the agony of having to wait. so. long. for it to grow back. I have sworn the vows of Never Doing Anything to It Again. And I have been so miserable at times that I couldn’t look in the mirror, or bring myself to handle my hair in any way (which does not help, btw, but is an unfortunate manifestation of my depression).

      I think you will see your hair in a way no one else will, for better and for worse. Try to hold your head up in the knowledge that everyone around you is used to it by now, and that your self-consciousness is not reflected in their perception of you.

      Perhaps it’s time to actively cultivate love of something else about yourself, so you can redirect your attention to that when you’re fixating in your hair.

      Best wishes—

  86. Little Bean*

    I will be traveling out of town for a friend’s wedding this summer. It’s at a very expensive resort, so I found a few vrbo rentals in the area and asked some friends if they’d want to share with me. However, both friends are kinda being flaky – they said they’re interested but aren’t committing to the plan. The rentals have flexible cancellation policies but my concern is more that if they end up not going/cancel late, it’ll be too late to find another affordable option in the area. The resort is kind of secluded so there are not a lot of other places to stay in the area. Am I being too anxious in worrying about a hotel room for June? I’m a planner and like to have things settled. Should I just book the rental and hope my friends come through? If they back out, my choices are basically suck it up and pay for the whole 3-bedroom house myself, or hope that magically a cheap hotel room will still be available at the last minute on a summer weekend in a popular tourist location. Or would it be reasonable to ask them to make a decision and commit to paying their share now?

    1. Thlayli*

      If you ask them to commit now you will probably still be worried they’ll cancel, and they might. I think you could say “we need to pay for it now, or else I’m just going to book a hotel room on my own”. Then do that. Either all of you pay for it upfront now so no one can cancel or else just go alone. Any other way you’re going to be worried until June.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Get a plan that is not contingent on what other people do and something that is affordable for you. This plan is not a solid plan that is why it’s eating at you.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I would find something that I was comfortable paying for myself. Even if you book two different options, with the vrbo for your friends if they play along, and something else if they don’t. That way you’re covered regardless, and can just cancel whichever one you need to when your friends finally get their act together.

      1. Little Bean*

        Oh that’s a good idea! I didn’t even think of making two reservations. I guess I’m such a planner that I usually like to know exactly what I’m doing and I’ve never really had to make two alternate plans before. But that makes sense! Thanks Lesa99!

        1. Lcsa99*

          I am a planner too, so I realize that sometimes it takes a plan B or C lined up, just to make sure you’re covered. :)

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Yep, this is why I hate being the “Monica” of the friend group. Everyone lays into you for nagging and not being fun, but then things only happen when you’re the one to make plans.

      Definitely ask them to make a decision by x date and then follow through by making your own reservation if they don’t bother. This is a situation where the deadline isn’t artificial or passive aggressive. Tell them that they didn’t answer so you needed to make your own plans.

  87. Almost Violet Miller*

    Holiday help needed! (I’m so excited!)
    I’m going to China in 2 weeks. I found conflicting info on which apps work there. I usually use Messenger, WhatsApp and Gmail/Hangouts – does anyone have recent experience what is and isn’t blocked?
    Thanks!

    1. SophieChotek*

      pretty sure anything Google will be blocked.
      My cousin is currently teaching ESL there and he had to go back to his yahoo or some other email account so we could email him.

    2. Little Bean*

      Have not been there myself, but I know people who go frequently and I’m pretty sure WhatsApp is the one I hear them talking about. Like the previous poster said, I believe everything Google is blocked.

    3. Soupspoon McGee*

      WhatsApp will work. Facebook and Google won’t. Also remember that you’ll probably need to use a VPN and get a Chinese phone card in the province you’ll be touring so you can make calls and access the internet when you’re not using public wifi. We tried to use translation apps last year, then realized we didn’t have wifi out in public, so they were no good.

  88. The Senior Wrangler*

    With the recent snow here in the UK, and the nearest shop a couple of miles away, I have been baking my own bread again, which I love doing, just wish I was organised enough to do it the rest of the year!

    2. Cristina in England*

      Very resourceful! My friends who live in the country did the same. I have a stash of my not-favourite brand in the freezer for emergencies (it is what my closest shop sells, so when I can get my regular brand I stash the other stuff even if I haven’t run out)

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Bread baking has become a hobby of mine. I don’t really know how or why, but I’ve learned over the past 6 months that I love doing it. I bake a loaf at least every other weekend. If you enjoyed doing it, just stock up on some basics (flour, yeast, salt) and make some dough when you have a few spare hours. :) I often remind myself that it’s ok to run an errand while the loaf is rising, and it’s definitely ok to, say, clean a room during that “downtime”. The only loaves that have required a lot of planning– for me– have been rye bread and sourdough, but I look at those as “projects” and set aside time on my calendar.

      Happy bread baking!

    4. Tea, please*

      Baking bread is something I’m interested in learning how to do. No one I know bakes bread, so I’m reliant on internet tutorials and trial and error. I’ve made a focaccia and biscuits, but want to explore more.
      I have a fantasy of baking with my toddler, but he sees sugar or flour and thinks it’s sand…disaster ensues. Maybe in a year.

  89. sprained ankle*

    I seem to have sprained? my ankle. It’s not painful but there’s a localized swelling that looks like someone attached a small ball to my ankle. Should I tape it up? ice? I don’t even know what or when it happened.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I would absolutely get it looked at before trying anything on my own. Mobility is so dependant on your feet, that you don’t want to risk it being something more serious.

      My mother once fell because she tried to stand too quickly when her feet were asleep and caught herself on the coffee table. She went a week with it swelled and hurting before going to the doctor and finding out it was fractured. Do you really want to risk this hurting for longer than it has to?

    3. Jules the First*

      Generally, if it’s not painful, it’s not a problem (with a few exceptions I’ll cover below). No taping until the swelling comes down; ice won’t do much unless it’s inflammation, and if it were inflammation, you’d probably be sore.

      IANAD, but things to check: do you have full range of motion? Can you stand? Walk with ease? What about standing on one foot (obvs on that foot) – is your balance normal? These are all indicators of a sprain or strain, in which case, rest, ice, and elevate.
      Is the lump hard or more like a big blister? Does it itch? Any odd colours? Is it noticeably warmer than the same spot on your other leg? If blistery and warm, if it’s yellowy or has red/purple/black streaks, or if you feel like you’re coming down with the flu, please see a healthcare professional asap (as in Sunday walk in clinic asap) – those are all signs of an infection that can be quite serious if untreated and while I don’t want to freak you out, as your internet friend who can’t see it or check your temp, I’d rather you got it checked out!

    4. fposte*

      Yeah, there are things you can do for a sprain, but this really doesn’t sound like a sprain. Get it looked at.

    5. Temperance*

      I recommend hitting up urgent care. I sprained my ankle a few months ago, and it was a serious injury requiring an air cast and a bunch of PT.

    6. Thlayli*

      The treatment for a sprain is rest, ice, compression, elevation. If you think it might be more than a sprain and you can afford an X-ray, it’s probably a good idea to check if it’s a fracture.

      Rest, ice and elevation won’t do and damage to a fracture but compression might

      1. fposte*

        My concern isn’t a fracture but something like an infection or inflammatory reaction of some kind.

        1. Thlayli*

          Oh yes fair point, especially since OP has no memory of spraining it. If you sprained it so bad it swelled up hugely then you would probably remember doing so.

  90. Depressed family member with other complicating issues*

    For those with family memebers with depression, or those with depression themselves, I need some advice.

    My sister is bipolar and recently (past year or so) her depression has been really bad. She’s gotten her meds adjusted and that has worked, but she occasionally forgets them and apparently her depression just sends her spiraling.

    I say “apparently” because she lives 1500 miles away and we don’t talk very much these days- she is a recovering alcoholic and at Christmas, she relapsed and there was A Major Incident involving my young kids and their safety. we went from texting daily to more like a few times/week- I’ve needed a lot of space to process what happened. I’ve seen her no more/less than usual since The Christmas Incident.

    Anyway, she will occasionally text me that she forgot her meds and her depression is “really bad.” What do I say to that? I have tried helping her remember her meds better, but other than that- she’s 30, lives across the country, what am I supposed to do other than tell her to see her therapist?

    Or she’ll text saying “well my meds have kicked in again and I’m feeling less like I want to die, so that’s a good sign.” What do I do with that other than “glad to hear you’re back on the meds.”

    She has a husband and my mother babying her. I don’t have time or frankly the desire to send her weekly “pick me ups” and frankly, with depression I doubt they’d work anyway.

    Thoughts? If there are things I should/shouldn’t say or do, id love to know. Otherwise, I just try and keep her engaged with my kids (at a physical distance) and occasionally check in.

    1. HannahS*

      I don’t know what to do, but I do remember your post about that incident. I’m sorry for your troubles. It seems like she’s reaching out to you for something, but it’s hard to tell what she wants out of those little interactions. Is she the kind of person who would know and be able to tell you what she wants if you were to ask?

      1. Depressed family member with other complicating issues*

        Doubt it. She doesn’t want a visit (it’s both impractical for both of us and also off the table for other reasons- but that’s not it). I frankly have limited experience with depression so I’m not sure if it’s more of a status update, a cry for help (if so- what’s helpful? I know things that cheer up the average bummed-out person do not work with true depression), looking for advice or just b!tching in the way that sisters do.

        I want to say, “what can I do,” but I’m also sensitive to the fact that she doesn’t know.

        1. HannahS*

          Yeah, that makes it a lot harder. My experience is mostly with other peoples’ anxiety and less so depression, but just from that I feel like it’s a cross between a status update and an ask for support. I remember my friends wanting to tell me and tell me and TELL ME how they were feeling–it wasn’t because there was anything I could do to help, but because they were full up to bursting with these feelings that they couldn’t handle, and they felt like telling someone relieved the burden somewhat. So, on the one hand, it was helpful to them for me to listen, but then it very easily crossed over into something that was unproductive and frustrating for both of us.
          In terms of what you can say/do, I think it really is dependent on what you’re feeling up to. A small “Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well!” or “Glad the meds are helping!” is fine, especially since it sounds like you’re fed up with her right now. If you feel it’s necessary, when she’s tells you she’s really depressed, you can ask her if she’s safe.
          Other than that, if I felt like saying more, I’d tend to say something like, “Glad you’re feeling better! What are your plans for today?” and just try to have a normal friendship-y casual conversation. Or, “Sorry you’re not feeling well! Can you do something kind for yourself today?” and then see what they say.

    2. Reba*

      FWIW I think that multiple times per week texting is still a lot of contact! So don’t feel like you are cruelly turning away from her. (And on the flip side if you still feel like you need space–that does not really sound like space to me! YMMV depending on how you communicate, obviously.)

      I agree with HannahS that you can try to read these updates as just that. Not calls for you to do anything or say any particular response, or react in some way other than keeping the interaction going bit by conversational bit.

      In terms of being helpful to the depressed person, I think the connection matters but the substance of any one text thread less so.

      If you think your sibling would be open to it, you could ask: “What kind of responses are you looking for when you tell me this stuff?” But you know better than we do whether such a conversation would be helpful or not, or just lead to unrealistic demands on you.

      Sorry you’re dealing with this.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      It sounds like she’s reaching out to you with status updates, and the nature of them indicates that she’s not expecting you to get involved or do any heavy lifting. I think you could respond with things like “Hang in there” or “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

  91. Heaven*

    Londoners who own property (or anyone who lives in an area with absurd housing prices), how did you do it?

    I won’t be looking at buying for multiple years (only just got my first professional job) but I still can’t wait to have My Own Place That Is Really Mine that I can decorate, furnish, etc. Only, apartment prices are insane here, and Help To Buy is… not actually helpful at all (seriously, if you can’t afford a mortgage, why would you be able to afford a mortgage, rent AND some kind of grounds upkeep payment?).

    I’ve been toying with the idea of making an appointment at my bank to talk about opening a Help To Buy ISA, since I’ve been tossing £100 – £150 into my savings each month anyway, and I might as well get a bonus on it. If I understand what I’ve read correctly, there is no penalty for varying your monthly deposits or even skipping one entirely if you need to, and you can take the money out of the ISA even if it’s not to buy a property, you just don’t get the government bonus in that case.

    The only thing is that, even if I managed to save enough to max out the bonus, I can’t see myself being able to afford anything even half-decent. I probably have my expectations for my first property set too high but I figure once I buy I’m going to be stuck with it for a lot longer than just waiting out a bad decision on a rental contract so I might as well really love it. I’m definitely starting to understand why a lot of people live in London when they start work and then slowly move out and shift to commuting from the outer zones or even surrounding towns when they look at settling down.

    Honestly, my favourite idea right now is to become so good at working from home that my job eventually allows me to telecommute permanently and I get to move back north and buy a fabulous two bedroom apartment and make mortgage payments that are equal to my rent for a single room right now. Sigh.

    1. Elkay*

      I live in the South East so not quite as high as London but still pretty out of reach for a regular wage. I bought 8 years ago but I’ve now been priced out of moving anywhere larger. I also bought with a partner and we had ~15% deposit. If I were doing the same now I’d be ploughing money into a help to buy ISA because it’s better than nothing. I know it’s not easy to change your expectations (it’s one of the reasons I haven’t moved, we could easily afford what we want if we moved 5-10 miles away but I don’t want to) but you might have to. Also, remember that while having work done to a house is a pain it’s probably cheaper than buying a finished place and the bonus is that you get to have it done how you want. When I see what we could afford if we lived pretty much anywhere north of here it’s really annoying, but then I remember I’d be living there and not here, where I want to live.

      1. Heaven*

        Yeah, I think I’m going to open a help to buy ISA. I even have enough in my savings right now to take advantage of the ability to make a bumper initial deposit.

        RE: changing my expectations, I agree I’m pretty sure I’ll have to in the end but until then I’ll try to keep hoping. It’s a problem I have in several areas of my life tbh; I’ve avoided travelling abroad until I recently made plans with a friend for later this year because I couldn’t afford a really lovely hotel and would rather wait and save than risk ending up in an awful motel or hostel.

        I would definitely not be opposed to a bit of a fixer-upper, although my DIY skills are very limited and, from what I understand, a lot of the help for first time buyers is directed at getting them into new properties, so that might be moot.

        Thank you for sharing your experience and advice!

    2. Jules the First*

      I’m in London and ended up going shared ownership. I had a not-huge deposit, looked for ages unsuccessfully and gave up for a couple of years before a series of coincidences (my lease was up, my landlords were putting the rent up enormously, Google served me an unexpectedly intriguing advert, a friend was buying and asked me to tag along on some viewings with her) led me to a shared ownership building around the corner from my rented flat and I fell in love. As in, saw the advert on Thursday, the flat on Saturday, and made an offer on Monday (highly stressful and not a recommended timeline!). All in, between the rent, the mortgage, and the service charge, it costs me about £15 a month more than my last rented flat (well, plus the deposit) and I get more space, lovely neighbours, and it’s all mine. (Ok, ok, nine percent of it is mine, 31% belongs to my bank, and the other 60% belongs to the housing association, but who’s counting, right?)

      There’s also a developer called Pocket that specialises in compact flats for first time buyers – they’re excellent and have good resale value and a fairly high percentage of each development gets sold for lower than market rates to facilitate affordable ownership.

      The big trick that nobody mentions is that you are only eligible for Pocket properties or shared ownership properties if you have ties to the area – so you need to focus your search around the places you currently live and/or work, and if you are renting, you want to try to build a history of renting in the same borough, if not the same neighbourhood.

      1. Heaven*

        Ha! That timeline is exactly what I did when I moved into the room I’m in now. All of my friends thought I was crazy and/or hyper-competent; really, I just needed a place to live and was super lucky to choose a good place/landlord. So I totally understand that sometimes things just happen really quickly.

        I think the reason I’ve been initially put off shared ownership is because the properties are popping up in my searches for my hypothetical price range in like 5 – 7 years time when really when you add in the rent and service charge they end up a ways out of it, so the way they’re presented on websites like Zoopla and Rightmove seems… misleading, almost, I guess? Maybe it’s just me.

        I just Googled Pocket flats and they look great! I love the idea of being able to get somewhere compact but still looking quite light and airy (I struggle with depression, especially in the winter, so big windows are kind of a must for me).

        And, actually, by total coincidence as I was typing this a little leaflet on planned affordable housing in my area was pushed through my letterbox! So I’ve signed up to that mailing list; it’s in the burough I’m currently living in so that’s a good start. I’m hoping to stay in the same area, actually, it’s not too long of a commute (about 45 mins – 1 hour each way) for work and has a lot of reasonably priced supermarkets and shops around. Plus, as mentioned above, I have a great landlord so I don’t want to give him up any time soon.

        Thank you for your help!

        1. Jules the First*

          Yeah, figuring out your price range for shared ownership can be tricky. You really want to be looking at shared ownership properties that are about 75% of your nominal purchase budget – so if your maximum mortgage is £200k, you should be looking at shared ownership properties with shares for sale around the £150k mark. As a rule of thumb, your maximum mortgage will be 4x your gross salary – it’s almost impossible to get more than that – and you should have about £5k extra in cash to cover purchase costs (your solicitor, stamp duty etc) and moving costs.

          Note that if you are single, it’s very difficult to get a shared ownership home that’s more than a one bedroom because it’s deemed more than you need. Keep an eye out also for resale of shared ownership properties as well – people sometimes sell before they own the whole thing but it’s still only a few years old.

          And with the help to buy ISA, check the paperwork carefully as I think you lose not only the gov’ts contribution but any interest earned by the gov’ts contribution if you use your money for something other than an eligible house purchase.

  92. sweet x kind x loving*

    A friend of mine, in response to something I did for them said I was “so sweet”. I’ve been wondering about that word. What does it mean exactly? It’s very loving but I don’t know when I would use it. Sometimes I say people are loving or kind…is sweet, sort of both of those at the same time? it feels more intimate than kind.

    1. Jules the First*

      Definitely more intimate than kind. I’ve always interpreted it as thoughtful + kind + unexpected = sweet

    2. fposte*

      I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule on this one. In some areas of the US, I hear “sweet” more than “kind,” especially in response to a gesture, so I think some of it is just user preference rather than differentiation.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I think the usage and meaning is regional too. I heard it used much more when I lived in the South than I do now that I’m back up North.

  93. StudentA*

    What are your favorite AAM pages? The stoma one was unforgettable for me. I get a few hours a week of downtime that I would like to fill up with some AAM gold.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Ooh, I don’t think I read that one! I’ll have to look it up.

      The one I really liked (in a cringey thank-god-it-wasn’t-me way) was the one where the person got fired for sending his bosses to Naples Italy when they were supposed to go to Naples Florida.

    3. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I spent a couple of months binging the updates tag because a lot of the posts that get updates to them are the weird ones.

    4. But I am anon*

      The One Where Alison tells the OP “this was not a experience arranged for your benefit, it was a job and you’re lucky you weren’t fired…” is gold. Several managers at this company use this wording script when “coaching” younger hires. I actually think it was framed and put up in a place of honour in an office, no joke.

  94. neverjaunty*

    I know this is a semi-regular topic, but what are your personal finance sites? I’ miss the old Get Rich Slowly and Mr. Money Mustache is… good if you are very, very selective about his advice?. What do you find helpful?

    1. Oxford Coma*

      I take some of it with a grain of salt, because the millionaire interviews make me eyes roll out of my head, but ESI Money has some good stuff. (The acronym is earn, save, invest.)

    2. Jules the First*

      JD is back at Get Rich Slowly…it’s early days, but it’s definitely worth reading again.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Oh good! I went and looked at MMM because a lot of people liked and ended up doing the virtual equivalent of backing out of the room slowly. Glad JD is back.

    3. fposte*

      Bogleheads. Also requiring some selectivity, if only because of high traffic and breadth of topics, but they’re why I’m not only going to be able to retire early, I’m going to know for sure I’ll be okay if I retire early.

  95. Oxford Coma*

    Adjacent to the “salt tooth” versus “sweet tooth” discussion from last week, does anyone have advice for portable savory snacks?

    I’ve mostly kicked my sugar habit, and find myself craving savory/umami flavors now instead. This is easy to accomplish when it comes to a full meal, but I’m finding it hard to come up with good, mostly-unperishable savory snacks. It’s easy to keep sweet things in my desk or in my bag–a granola bar, a cup of applesauce, fruit. But I only have a portable insulated cooler at work, no fridge, and the cheese I’ve been taking gets melted and gross by midafternoon.

    Ideas appreciated!

        1. paul*

          my wife puts in cayenne into chex mix…OMG so good.

          Pumpkin seeds are kinda pricey but are a good savory snack.

          There’s these seaweed chip things that I’ve tried and liked, but the writing was in Thai (I think) which I don’t read so I can’t give you a name.

    2. nep*

      Do you like nuts?
      Seasoned/roasted chick peas?
      There are those EPIC / paleo bars, if you eat meat products.

    3. Nicole76*

      Have you tried the green bean crisps called Harvest Snaps? I like that they are salty but healthier than chips. I discovered them in the Love With Food subscription box, which I highly recommend by the way. I’ve found it a great way to try out healthier snacks.

      1. heckofabecca*

        Oh man, the snaps are SUPER addictive… Delicious, crunchy, salty! They sell them at Costco.

        Other (Costco) recommendations: veggie straws, roasted seaweed packages

    5. Effie, who is pondering*

      Seconding the rec for seaweed and bagel crisps.

      Trader Joe’s parmesan garlic pita chips.

  96. Earthwalker*

    Followup on the obesity discussion yesterday (regarding the statement by the cancer research organization in Britain that says obesity causes cancer): A study seeking the real causes of obesity concludes that “We believe it is implausible that each age, sex and ethnic group, with massive differences in life experience and attitudes, had a simultaneous decline in willpower related to healthy nutrition or exercise.” Link in the reply.

    2. fposte*

      I like that quote a lot. Was that cancer research statement mentioned earlier in this open thread, or did it come up somewhere else?

  97. Little Bean*

    I’m turning 35 this year. I’m engaged and my fiance and I would like to have a kid, but neither of us is 100% sure we’re ready yet – we both have careers and hobbies and we like our life as it is. Ideally, my life plan was to be married for a year or two before having kids but we haven’t even started planning the wedding yet, so that would mean probably not starting to try until I’m 37 or 38. Part of me thinks we should just start trying now and worry about the wedding later. (We’re not interested in freezing eggs – if it doesn’t happen naturally, we are ok with not having kids). Do we take the leap now and assume we’ll be ready when we have to be? Wait until we’re sure we’re ready even though that increases the risk it may never happen at all? Does anyone know what the odds are of having a natural, healthy pregnancy in your late 30s? All the articles I’ve read online say the odds go down after age 35 but I don’t know how MUCH they go down….

    1. Lcsa99*

      I am in the same boat. If you are really, honestly ok with not having kids if it doesn’t happen, I would go ahead with the original plan and just let it happen so you can enjoy a few years of marriage without kids first.

      But you have to be completely honest. If there is a little part of you that might be upset if it doesn’t happen, then don’t wait and worry about marriage later.

    3. Enough*

      I will link below – It should come up as a search page with other suggestions besides the original website.
      It all depends on you and your spouse. I had my third child at 40 with no problems. Baby was a healthy girl who graduates from college this year. I had chorionic villus sampling at about 9 weeks. My OB told me he never had an over 40 mother with a down’s baby. My sister had 2 children after 40 (she had 6 altogether), the first at 41 was fine the second at 46 has downs.
      As far as being ready – I’m not sure you are ever “ready”. As far as when, how long have you known your fiance? My husband and I starting trying (or at least not actively not trying) to have a baby 6 months after we got married. But we had known each other 8 years by then. My niece just had her 1st less than a year after her marriage (known each other 5 years).

      2. Enough*

        Also as regards ability to conceive. I took 15 months to get pregnant with my first and needed a little medical intervention with the second as I apparently was not ovulating but had absolutely no problem with the third. In fact I told my husband I was probably pregnant 2 weeks before it could be confirmed. I had very irregular periods till after the second child. There are treatments to induce ovulation if that is an issue that only require a prescription. But if you are having regular cycles with consistent blood flow for consistent number of days you probably are okay. But if you follow the steps for natural family planning you can determine when (if) you are ovulating. The doctor can use this information if you don’t get pregnant.

    4. Anona*

      I’m pregnant, and turning 35 during the pregnancy. My obgyn explained it, when talking about prenatal testing, that 35 is the first year where the risk of stuff like downs and the risk of miscarriage when caused by tests like the amniocentesis are about the same. Or something like that. Basically there’s this chart, and each year the risk of abnormalities goes up slightly, which is why I’m classified as a higher risk pregnancy due to age. I think the term is elderly primigravida (old + first pregnancy), which is fun.

    5. Anona*

      Also, fwiw, fertility does decline, but it varies by person. I have a friend who pretty much got pregnant immediately, and i think she was 38 or so. She’s had 2 healthy kids.

      Whereas we started trying at 32, got pregnant quickly, but miscarried, and then it took another 1.5 years (eventually with the help of a fairly cheap fertility drug called femara to make sure I was ovulating), before I got pregnant again. Probably should have sought help sooner!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Fertility starts to decrease at 30, and decrease more steeply at 35.

      On average. You don’t know where you specifically are on the bell curve for your exact age until you start trying, at which point you can’t time machine back and start trying earlier. Some women in their 40s get pregnant by accident–last I checked this is the second largest group seeking abortions, because “less likely” doesn’t mean “100% effective form of birth control.” Some women in their 20s can’t get pregnant. And while your OB can alert you to obvious macroscopic problems like fibroids, most infertility is unexplained even after testing–there is no one simple trick your OB can do at your annual exam, then promise that things are fine and you will get pregnant within 3 months of trying.

      I think being okay with not having kids if it doesn’t happen naturally is extremely healthy. If you’re both okay with waiting a few years, wait. If you are certain you really want kids, though, don’t wait around for the universe to send you an unmistakable engraved invitation that The Time Is Now.

      The hobbies thing–my husband sails. When our kids were little, he sailed at the same frequency as before. It came to be a hobby he shares with the older but not with the younger. And now that the kids are older, he sometimes does winter sailing, which when the kids were small was too much time time leaving me in charge of an unsleeping toddler, but now the child is self-entertaining and I’m glad he’s out doing new things.

      (Personal experience–got pregnant in one try in my 20s, then only after a few years of trying each for two subsequent pregnancies. With no medical explanation for why it was so much harder a few years later. I actually HAD a data point–the first pregnancy–that should have raised my odds of getting pregnant a second time, since clearly there had been no problem a couple of years earlier.)

    7. Jules the First*

      According to the fertility seminar I attended last weekend, the odds drop when you hit your 30s, but start dropping really steeply after about 37/38. However it can vary hugely from person to person. (We’re the same age and I’m trying to decide how badly I want kids – I think badly enough to try for single parenthood but not badly enough to do it if it means IVF)

      One option for getting more (and more relevant) information is to do a fertility wellness check (look for clinics that cater to single moms by choice). I was very surprised how reasonably priced they are – mine will be about £300 for the tests (including transvaginal ultrasound and follicle count), consultation with the doc to interpret the test results, and an optional counselling session to figure out how you feel about the results.

    8. Overeducated*

      I think I’d approach this as a question of what you’d regret more: missing out on those early married years as just the two of you, or possibly missing out on having kids entirely, at least the “easy” way. If you couldn’t have both, what would be the more painful loss? There’s also the in-between choice of not actively trying to prevent and letting chance and nature help with the decision.

    9. Erin*

      Talk to your OB/GYN. For some women, it’s no big deal after 35; for others, even early 30s is a challenge. I’m in the Boston area and when I went in pregnant with my second, I was 32 and “the youngest patient I’ve seen all day.”— it’s super common to have babies over 35 up here.

    10. Thlayli*

      You can get a fertility test (I think the hormone is AMH) and that might give you an idea of whether you have a few years to decide or if it’s “now or never”.

      After 35 levels of fertility reduce and change of miscarriage increase. Chance of disability also increases. It’s now known that higher age of both partners increases all three risks (difficulty conceiving, miscarriage, disability). There are some good internet sites with percentages of risk for all three factors if you dig a bit.

      If you definitely wanted kids this would be a no-brainer: start trying now.

      Since you aren’t sure then I don’t really see how it matters what the risks are. Just do what you feel like and if baby comes later then it comes. Put it in the hands of fate (or a deity if you’re so inclined).

  98. Lynne879*

    Last night my 18 year old cat had a seizure.

    She never had one before & it was obviously traumatizing. We are very fortunate that we have a pet ER a few minutes from our house- we were there for about three hours cause they had to do x-rays and blood work & based on her mostly normal blood work & my description of the seizure (she was lying on the sofa & suddenly looked scared then she ran around the room then collapsed on the ground & started convulsing-
    when it was done she started to spin in circles), the doctor told us that she most likely has brain cancer & she’ll have seizures again- you just never know when they’re gonna happen again.

    At some point, we’ll need to have to put her down. Luna has been in my life since I was 6. It’s hard to imagine a life without her. This sounds cliche but losing her really will be like a family member passing away. I’ll be completely devastated when the time comes.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m sorry. We lost our dog to brain cancer, and it was less than a week between the first seizure–the first sign anything was wrong–and putting him down while he still remembered us. He couldn’t walk within a few days, and the rate of decline was far faster than I could keep up with emotionally.

    2. tangerineRose*

      I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. You’re right; losing a pet, especially a longtime pet, is losing someone very close to you. Be gentle to yourself. Not everyone will understand how this hurts, and I’ve found it helps to spend time with people who do understand.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Am so sorry. Our pets serve us in so many ways. Your little buddy has been a good and faithful servant to you for a long time. We never forget them.

  99. Bluebell*

    For those of you who celebrated on Weds/Thurs, how was Purim? And if you were celebrating Holi, how was that? I finally came up with a last minute Purim costume- spouse and I dressed up as two of the more “eventful” transit routes in town and taped on signs like “signal problems” “ghost train” and “police action” on our appropriately colored shirts.

    1. HannahS*

      That’s a funny costume! I went to my local Conservative synagogue for the first time erev Purim to check it out. I was the only person not in a costume. The rabbi was in a skintight sequin dress, green tights with fishnets, high heels, a wig, and a tiara. Usually rabbi costumes are just, like, a hockey jersey or something, so colour me impressed! Everyone was very friendly, and both the rabbi and a congregant took my number to invite me to Shabbat dinner some time. It was really nice of them. I made hamentaschen both last and this weekend, much to the delight of my classmates!

  101. Michael Rochelle*

    I’m excited about the book recommendation of the week: Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng. I’m on the waiting list to get this book in ebook format from the library, so I’m not sure when I’ll receive it, but it is on my to-do list. I believe I’m number 238 in line. Oh well…I have a couple books to get through until that book becomes available.

  102. extra anon*

    Sorry, this is a bit of a heavy one. I’m fairly sure I was sexually abused on multiple occasions by a family member when I was young. But my memories are pretty hazy, which I think is because I was pretty young when it started, and also because when I started having flashbacks in high school, I put a lot of effort into forgetting and not thinking about it. So at this point what memories I have are almost secondhand–I remember remembering, but I don’t really have a clear memory of what actually happened. I’ve felt really mixed up about this for years, and although I’ve spent years just trying to not think about it, I think for my own peace of mind I’d like to talk to a therapist about it and see if I can sort it out a bit better in my mind. A part of me feels weirdly guilty about the whole thing, and I doubt myself a lot because my thoughts are so confused about it. Also, because of circumstances, I’m now finding myself having to come into contact with this family member fairly often, after distancing myself from him for a number of years, and I find that difficult.

    I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this, or knows anyone who has? I’m feeling hesitant to talk to anyone about it because my memories and feelings are so confused. I guess my fear is that the therapist will accuse me of making the whole thing up, or will just think I’m weird, since it seems like something I should be able to remember clearly.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      A close friend of mine went through this in her early 20s (suddenly uncovering memories of childhood sexual abuse). A good therapist will not accuse you of making this up; she’ll be able to explain to you the circuitous path that memories of trauma sometimes take.

    2. Reba*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, extra anon.

      It sounds like you’re not dealing with “recovered memories,” which have been controversial, but rather with totally normal experiences of childhood memory, i.e., early things are fuzzy, later things and especially things that were discussed with others are stronger, and things you haven’t thought about fade away. I know that I have read that children’s memories of traumatic and non-traumatic experiences are basically similar for lots of people. (If I can find a link I’ll share, but I think it’s something my own past therapist shared with me.)

      There is no “should” with this stuff. When you talk to the therapist, there’s no burden of proof you have to pass to be deserving of help. Confusion and feelings of guilt are normal here, not signs that you’re doing it wrong.

      If you find it hard to tell the therapist that I hope you will find soon, you can try writing it down and giving it to her to start the conversation.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      With the caveat that sometimes these are false memories.

      It’s a neuroscience fact that every time you access a memory, it gets stored again and the new version is slightly different from what was there before and what was there before is gone forever. It’s like the children’s game of telephone.

      It may not be possible but is there anyone from that time period who could confirm your memories? Do you otherwise have a difficult or any relationship with this person? Are there other possible past or current victims?

      1. extra anon*

        Thanks for your response. I did accidentally come upon a journal entry by this person that seemed like a confirmation to me, although it was a bit vague. I’m pretty certain that some kind of inappropriate sexual contact happened, but I’m not entirely clear what it was. We have a difficult relationship, to say the least, not only for this reason. If I had my choice, I’d rather have no relationship, to be honest, but this is a close relative who is still close to other people I care about. There certainly could have been other past victims, but I doubt there are any present ones, because the relative is pretty incapacitated due to illness.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      As a worrier myself, I like to make a plan for worst case scenario.

      In your situation, the concern is what if the therapist does not believe you. Make a plan for that. So, clearly the response is to find a new therapist. How about while searching for that first therapist, you write down a few names that look like good secondary choices if that first one is not your person for ANY reason? Then you are ready for whatever happens next.

      I hope your first choice turns out better than you could ever wish for and I hope your journey brings light into your life.

    5. Thursday Next*

      A good therapist who has experience working with people with early childhood trauma would serve you well. I think any good therapist regardless of that specific expertise will take your experience of trauma seriously. Please don’t let the fear of not being believed deter you from seeking help—if you are unfortunate enough to encounter a bad therapist, that is their failing and you should have no compunction about walking away.

      It frequently takes multiple tries to find a therapist you connect with—again, please don’t let it deter you; it’s a common experience. All the best—

    6. extra anon*

      Thanks for the advice, everyone. It is kind of comforting to know that my memory issues might not be as weird as I thought. To be honest, therapists still scare my pants off, but I’ll try to keep in mind that it might take a few tries to get the right one. I haven’t had the greatest experiences with them in the past.

      1. Triple Anon*

        To be honest, I think that therapy isn’t for everyone. Or, at least, it can be hard to find someone who’s a good fit. If that option doesn’t work out, you could try support groups or work through it in writing and other types of things that allow you to express and process your thoughts. You’re not alone.

        Also, start with the facts. Be objective. Start to separate that from the emotions. Maybe have separate outlets for both. As you work through it, you’ll learn more about it and have insights.

        Also, look up your legal rights. A lot of people start with therapy. Therapists rarely have legal training. They don’t usually point out when something is illegal and what you can do about it. As you work through things, you might uncover evidence and decide that you were the victim of a crime. Try to find out where you could go from there. You have the same rights as anyone else, whether the perpetrator was a stranger or a close relative.

    7. Casuan*

      Any decent therapist will believe that you believe the memories & a competent therapist will help you sort through the memories, determine if they’re real [as opposed to false memories] & help you come to terms with the traumatic events, or refer you to someone who can.

      Even if you find this competent therapist, you might not quite click or for whatever reason you might not feel comfortable with that person. If so, the therapist should understand that you need to switch [& recommended another if you ask for it] & if they don’t then you just have confirmation that you made the right decision. Best-case is you like working with your first therapist. I do like NSNR’s suggestion about worst-case scenario & keeping a list.
      You get to determine this & you deserve to work with a therapist with whom you’re comfortable.

      re false memories*: This is definitely a thing. My personal thought is that memories that resurface after being absent for so long are usually close to true & that false memories are often narratives that have changed throughout the years— one has always had the memories, although the retelling causes the narrative to change (not unlike the childhood game of Operator].
      *this is a personal opinion from what some friends have experienced so it is highly subjective; I’m interested to know what others think

      Extra Anon, I’m sorry you’re going through this & I hope you can get them resolved with a therapist you trust!

    8. Anonymous Poster*

      I’m a victim of sexual abuse by the son of a family friend that happened when I was 5 for a little while. It wasn’t something I really wanted to dwell on, but it pushed its way to the surface in my late 20s. I was really worried about talking to someone about it, as a man over 20 years removed from it, because I too was worried about being accused of making it all up. It was hazy and murky, and I felt really guilty about it.

      That said, it really helped me to find someone I could talk to about it. In my case it was a pastor I was able to talk about it with, who was able to help me and could connect with professionals in the area to help me get what I needed. I’m not saying you should go down this same path! I’m saying that you aren’t crazy, and you can find someone out there that will believe you, help you sort through what’s going on, and help you figure out how you should react going forward.

      I’m rooting for you. It was a huge load off of me getting the help I needed, and I hope it will do the same for you.

      This isn’t necessarily something you should remember clearly. Your guilt is misplaced. Find a therapist or counselor that you can talk to, they are out there, and they will believe you.

  103. Jess the Kat*

    Can anybody recommend a great travel company that will book a vacation to Ireland? Hubby and I (we are in the U.S.) are planning a self-driving tour around the country that will involve renting a car that must be automatic, staying in a castle and B&Bs the rest of the time, etc. I have reached out to a few companies and none seem very good at responding or being able to handle my request despite specializing in Ireland and offering customized self-driving tours! Does anyone have any recommendations, or advice to share? Thanks.

    1. CanadianUniversityReader*

      If I remember correctly, there’s a company called McKinley Kidd. It specializes in train and driving tours.

  104. Red*

    I don’t have the faintest clue what’s happening here, but I do have very not-faint good vibes for you!!

  105. KR*

    Dear AAM, after a week of travelling for work I now have the flu. I’m dizzy whenever I get up, having a hard time getting warm and shaking these chills, nauseous, having a hard time breathing, have a dry cough, loss of appetite, fatigued, and have muscle aches. To make this worse I got a large tattoo yesterday that requires lotion and cleaning so the spot where I got it hurts more than usual and I’m really drained whenever I try to take care of it. Husband is taking care of me. Send good thoughts. I appreciate all of you for giving me something to read while I’m stuck in bed.

    1. nep*

      So sorry.
      That added ‘special’ pain of a new tattoo is intense. Hope you’ll be able to get some good rest.
      Glad you’ve got someone to help take care of you.

    2. Jules the First*

      Hey KR – I hope the flu was there before the tattoo…if it wasn’t, you should call your medical professional of choice now, because sepsis feels like a really bad flu but needs medical treatment asap!

      It happened to me (of all things, it was an ant bite!) and I would have brushed it off as needing a couple days in bed but my paramedic sister said “ER now” and was not taking no for an answer…I ended up on bed rest and industrial strength antibiotics for three weeks.

      Hope you feel much better soon!

      1. KR*

        Thank you! I’m not sure which was there first. If I’m still feeling bad tomorrow I’m going to go to urgent care ASAP. If it’s the flu it will be Tamiflu to the rescue and I will ask them about sepsis! Thanks!!!

  106. Kali*

    I just watched Friends: The UnAuthorised Musical on YouTube and I feel like they did not do all they could with the show (nb. I think there are multiple versions, but that’s the only one available to me). Feel free to fill in the gaps or make alternative suggestions on the following. This is very much a brain dump. If I were to make the show;

    Monica would be dating Richard at the beginning. They break up – because he doesn’t want babies – and, shortly afterwards, Ben is born. Monica’s mother is abusive, as before, and Chandler comforts her. Ross’s wedding to Emily follows shortly after, and they get together. Chandler opens the show dating Janice, breaks up with her, has the going-to-die-alone-like-mr-Heckle realisation, maybe confronts one or both parents, and is in the right place to be with Monica. Chandler will attempt to get Janice back before he and Monica get together (from fear of dying alone) and she really tells him off for how he treated her (the constant attitude like he’s doing her a favour being around her), which is a big part of him being better in his next relationship.

    Rachel opens the show running away from her wedding. But, she and Monica stayed in touch after high school, and Rachel already dated Ross – for like a week between Carol and Emily – and they’ve had their break. So, when she arrives, she brings back all those old memories and Ross says the wrong name at the alter.

    Ross found out his wife is gay/pregnant, dates Rachel, sleeps with the copy girl, and meets Emily, so he opens the story engaged to her, with Ben about to be born. The last moment of the first half is “I take thee Rachel”.

    Phoebe dates and ends up with David Hannigan, a cross between David and Mike.

    The second half begins at a wedding, after a 2-3 year time skip. Joey is marrying Karen (the fictional women he decided his character was married to when he worked for Chandler, turned out to be real), and they will be really happy. The other friends will sing a song about what a romantic Joey is, and all the relationships where he wanted something more and the other person didn’t, and they’re glad he’s finally found someone who brings out the romantic side of Joey (if you play close attention, he’s very hot on monogamy and he likes kids) rather than just wanting Dr Drake Ramoray.

    Chandler and Monica plan to adopt. Phoebe says that’s really brave of them, with how their parents screwed them up. Cue cross-accusations and a song detailing how fucked up all of their parents are.

    Other songs; a sappy Ross/Rachel ballad, full of romantic lies and a counterpoint from Monica/Chandler detailing everything they’re worried about the other not liking, and reassurances that they know, they’ve always known and they live each other for who they are. Chandler’s and Monica’s duet is “You’re Perfect, but What About Me?”. The Ross/Rachel one is called something like “You’re a Dream”.

    The Ross/Rachel story ends with him repeating “we were on a break!”, a beat while Rachel stares at him, then “okay Ross. We were on a break” and she walks off the stage. Also, whenever they row earlier, Phoebe or Joey will state that they’re a great couple together, like that weird conversation they had in season 10.

    Throughout the show, Chandler says a sarcastic “could my life BE any more perfect?”. Until the very end when he says it with no sarcasm.

  107. Terri*

    I’m looking for some gift ideas. My friend’s birthday is coming up and I’m not sure if I should just send her a card or send her a little gift, too. Usually we buy each other roughly equivalent gifts and it’s not something I really notice, but during Christmas I spent more money on her gifts than she did mine. I’m truly, truly not a petty person, and she did feel a bit bad for us not buying equivalent value gifts. She even said she is planning on sending me an Easter gift to make up for it, which she doesn’t need to do. Anyway, I’m not sure if I should really bother sending a gift because of the disparity from Christmas. I don’t want to be petty, but I don’t feel right buying her another gift. Is a card just fine, it won’t look… petty? I’m probably making too big of a deal about this, I just don’t want it to come across bitchy if I just send her a card. Lol, I’m not even sure if what I explained makes sense. I hope I don’t sound like an asshole.

    1. Enough*

      I think a card would be fine but how about a very minor present that she would like? My daughter’s go to is items from bed bath and beyond. Inexpensive but appreciated.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      If she’s sending an Easter gift and you’re not sending her one, I’d consider you guys even.

    3. Colette*

      Do you want to exchange gifts with her? It sounds like you live some distance away, and I find that that makes it hard to know what to get. If you like getting her gifts, get her a gift – it shouldn’t matter who spent what. But if you don’t, talk to her and see if you can create a new tradition (outlandish cards? Going out to a fancy dinner when you’re in the same place? ).

  108. nep*

    Perhaps this has been covered in the past — has anyone written a letter to an author?
    Context? Why? What did you want to share with him/her? Any response?

    1. HannahS*

      I wrote to the author of “Rejected Princesses” to thank him for his work, and to suggest Hannah Szenes as a future “princess”–most of the women he writes/illustrates are amazing women who Did Stuff but were not actually royal, and he does say on his sites that he accepts suggestions. He wrote back within a day telling me that Szenes was in his queue, and that he appreciated the suggestion. It really warmed my heart that he bothered to reply. I admire what he’s doing so much.

      2. nep*

        (And I’m really glad I asked and you responded — I’d not heard of Rejected Princesses. Looking at the wonderful website now.)

    2. Anono-me*

      I accidentally called Mr. Thomas Blatt the author of Escape from Sobibor and the Ashes of Sobibor. I though I was calling his organization for information on his future speaking engagements, but it was his own number. He was very nice, but unfortunately he wasn’t planning any more at the time. (I did take the opportunity to tell Mr. Blatt how much I admired him and appreciated his books.)

    3. Merci Dee*

      I did. Well, an email, anyway. I had enjoyed a number of books by a particular author and sent a message about the particular books I liked and why. He wrote back to tell me he appreciated the note, and that he was glad I enjoyed the books. He gave me a few additional insights, and was absolutely lovely. It was a nice interaction. If you’re thinking about writing to an author, definitely do it. Knowing that fans enjoyed their work often means a great deal to writers, and most of them are really great about writing back.

      P.S. Scott Nicholson is a great writer and does everything he can to keep in touch with his fans.

  109. phyllisb*

    Have any you ever read a book that you didn’t like the subject matter but couldn’t stop reading? That’s the way I felt about The Last Mrs. Parish. Have any of you read it? What did you think of it?

  110. DanaScully*

    I’m late to the party, but I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who replied to my Thailand questions last week. We still haven’t narrowed down exactly where we’d like to go, but you’ve all given us some ideas. Thanks again!

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