weekend free-for-all – March 31-April 1, 2018

by Alison Green on March 31, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Merry Spinster: Tales of Everyday Horror, by Daniel Mallory Ortberg. Delightfully disturbing (and sometimes funny) adaptations of classic fairy tales. Very enjoyable.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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      1. zyx*

        Also, Mallory Ortberg is now Daniel Mallory Ortberg, even though it was too late to change his name on the cover and promotional materials. (Not sure why Slate isn’t using his new name yet, though I’m sure they will eventually.)

  2. Almost Violet Miller*

    I’m thinking of dying my hair red again. Think Julianne Moore or Emma Stone, so something darker and natural-looking.
    My original hair color is brown (not light but not very dark either). The first time my hairdresser dyed it red, it washed out into an orange mess very fast.
    My hair grows very fast so I know I’d need to have the roots covered every 4-6 weeks but does red really fade this fast or did my hairdresser screw up?
    I am fairly happy with how my hair is at the moment (I was blond for a very long time) but would like some change and my inner redhead wants to resurface.
    Is there anyone who went red and loved it?

      1. Almost Violet Miller*

        Thanks! Do you have any experiences how often it needs to be redone?

        I’m also thinking of using henna instead, but still with the help of a professional.

        1. Indie*

          I use nice n easy ‘born red’ which I redo once a month. If it’s a natural red colour you’re thinking of, then fading won’t matter as it will just be a ‘handsome auburn’ for the last few weeks as Anne of Green Gables would say. Mine doesn’t fade as I have awfully spongy porous hair which releases nothing, not even to highwaymen. I can go up to two months if I exercise fade proofing care which involves using cool or tepid wash water, sulphate free shampoo (also good for curls) and you can also top up the colour half way between proper dye jobs with a toner, henna conditioning treatment or an easy non permanent foam colour

        2. Birch*

          I really recommend henna! My natural colour is blonde, so I can’t say how well it will take on brown, but I use the red henna (a medium red–not the BRIGHT CRIMSON but also not the strawberry blonde one; my local natural food store has about 8 different shades) and it lasts forever. I never have to recolour unless I’m doing my roots. It’s a beautiful, natural looking red and has so much depth, plus my hair has never been this healthy. It’s much stronger and I get less frizz and less breakage. I just do it at home–mix it with water till I get a sort of pancake batter texture, apply, leave on for 4-6 hours, wash out. It smells a bit for about a day and I sleep with a towel over my pillow the first night to prevent stains. I also use a natural shampoo without sulfates since I read that you can’t wash your hair with drugstore shampoo after dyeing with henna or it’ll turn orange. I’ve had no problem with my natural shampoo.

          I’ve done platinum blonde for a bit and liked that too, but at the moment I can’t beat the red henna for colour, health of hair, and cost of maintenance–one packet lasts me about a year and they’re 6 euros at my local shop. Go henna!

        1. Lindsay J*

          Red tattoo ink can apparently be problematic as well! More likely to fade as well as more likely to cause skin reactions.

      3. Middle School Teacher*

        My red doesn’t fade that quickly. My hairdresser uses colour from Joico, I believe, and I only wash my hair two-three times a week, using aveda shampoo and conditioner. It does fade, yes, but slowly, and it stays pretty. I get it done every 8 weeks.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Try esalon.com. I am also a brunette releasing her inner red head and was able to get a decent red that lasts better than the regular boxed stuff (never had it professionally done). They will adjust the mix until it’s something you like, and you can schedule shipments so you can get it as often as you need.

      It sounds like I started with a darker brown than you so that might have made a difference, but it really is worth a try if you’re comfortable doing it yourself.

    3. Forking Great Username*

      Yeah, red is pretty high-maintenance. Did you try using a color-depositing shampoo or conditioner last time?

    4. Nye*

      I’ve used henna a bunch in the past to redden my brown hair, and loved the results.

      Pros:
      * Sits on top of your natural color, so fades/grows out naturally and not obviously (and lasts a long time).
      * Gives great shine and texture to hair – mine always looks and feels healthier after I henna it.

      Cons:
      * The actual process is messy, smelly, and time-consuming, and most salons won’t do it. (I’ve always gone DIY.)
      * Since it doesn’t bleach your hair or change your underlying color, there’s a limit to how much of a change you’ll see. With dark brown hair, you’ll probably go auburn or coppery, but you’ll never get Anne-with-an-E red.
      * It’s not recommended to use henna on hair that’s been chemically dyed (and vice-versa), because cheaper hennas can have additives that may interact badly with chemical dye. (I have read that this is less of a problem than people think, if you use good henna, but have never tested it myself so offer it as a consideration.)

      I’ve always loved the results when I’ve used henna in the past, but haven’t done it in ages because it’s just been too much hassle. That said, if I want to make a change in the future, I would absolutely use henna again instead of a salon dye job.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Some Lush Cosmetic shops will apply the Henna that they sell in-store.

        (I would imagine they’re more likely to do this if you schedule ahead of time with them, or go in during a weekday or other not-busy time.)

    5. phyllisb*

      I dye mine red, and the funny thing is, when I had it professionally done it seemed to fade quicker than when I do it. I just use Nice N Easy and redo it every 10-12 weeks. What DOES help, whether you do it yourself or get it done, ask for a glaze. That makes it last much better. If you do it yourself, you can get what you need at a beauty supply store. If you’re not sure what to get, ask the clerk. They won’t make recommendations, but they will be able to direct you to the right aisle. The product I use is Clairol Professional Radiance Color Gloss. After you color your hair, blow it dry and add the glaze. Let set, rinse and style as normal. Also use a shampoo for color-treated hair. There again, at my beauty supply store I found one for red hair, riveting reds by Quantum. Also John Freida makes one for red hair that you can find at CVS, Walgreen’s, ect. Also don’t wash your hair every day. Nothing makes color fade like excessive hair washing. In fact, when you do color, don’t wash it all for three days. That gives the color time to set. I’m surprised your stylist didn’t tell you any of this. Mine told me all this the first time I got color.

      1. phyllisb*

        Oops. Forgot to tell you that if you decide to add glaze yourself, you get the color gloss and color infuser and mix them. It tells you that on the bottle, but didn’t want you to be trying it and not having everything you need.

        1. phyllisb*

          I also forgot to tell you the most important thing (note to self: no posting until AFTER the second cup of coffee!!) If you decide to try doing your own color, leave it on longer than the instructions tell you. My most recent stylist told me to leave it on for an hour. It won’t damage your hair, and color does last longer.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Me too.
          I didn’t trust it for blonde, but I went back and forth between auburns 110 and 112 and they worked really well.
          Plus, they include a badass conditioner in the box. I wish Clairol would market that stuff all by itself.

          1. phyllisb*

            Seconding the auburn. I used 110 until they came out with the Sun-Kissed. Now I use 8SC. Makes it look like I have high-lights.They have started selling that conditioner in individual tubes. I think it’s like $3.00?? I have a boat-load of it I would send you if I had your address. I only use it the day I color my hair and then maybe again after three weeks. My hair does not do well when I condition it. It gets too slippery and I can’t style it right. Even when I use just a bit and rinse, rinse, rinse. My hair seems to do better when the texture is just a bit rough.

          2. phyllisb*

            Also going to say nix to the N&E blonde. When my natural blonde started to fade to dishwater, I tried it, and came out with a beautiful (not) shade of brass. Decided that as long I was doing blonde or highlighting, professional was the way to go. Of course that was 30 years ago, and hair color products have improved a lot since then, but I would still be wary of doing my own blonde. I didn’t try to color my own again until I went red.

            1. Cedrus Libani*

              Yeah, bleaching your own hair is not trivial. There’s a fine line between bleaching it orange and bleaching it into oblivion. The first time I tried…I ended up with a white-blonde buzz cut, because everything that wasn’t virgin roots melted right off. (Which looked awesome, TBH, and I kept it that way for awhile. But it’s not to everyone’s taste!)

      3. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, I use L’Oréal Prerefence in light reddish blonde and the immediate redness fades but it stays a nice strawberry blonde color.

    6. AnotherJill*

      I went red for several years, also with medium brown hair. I had it done professionally, about once a month. For me, the biggest key to maintaining color was washing strategy. As someone else says here, don’t wash at all for around 72 hours after a dye. After that, I only washed it every other day, and used shampoo for dyed hair in red shades – herbal essence is one I remember working well.

      Otherwise I loved it. I went back to my natural hair a couple of years ago at which point it was grayish brown with white streaks. I love the look of it, but am still sometimes tempted to go back to red.

      1. Cathy*

        And wash in as cold a water as you can tolerate. Hot water opens the cuticles and the red can fade super fast.

    7. Red*

      I have bright bright red hair and it really does fade that fast, but I love it so much that I do not care at all

    8. CatCat*

      Sounds like you and I have similar hair colors. I have red with magenta highlights. I looooove it. I do have to get it touched up more often. I wash my hair every other day or every two days and use dry shampoo in between.

    9. Parenthetically*

      Red fades NOTORIOUSLY quickly. Apparently the issue is that the color molecules/particles are much smaller in red dye, so they wash out much quicker. I have dark blonde hair and have dyed it various shades of red myself for 20+ years and the one thing I’ll say — don’t use drugstore dye. The developer is garbage, not nearly potent enough, and will almost never result in a nice clean red, especially not if you’re aiming for Julianne Moore/Emma Stone, and will just get darker and muddier every time you redo it. You need a 20 or 30 volume developer to be able to lift medium brown hair to be as light as you’re aiming for and drugstore developer is 10 volume. Sally Beauty Supply or another similar place will have a much much wider range of shades, stronger developer.

      You can also get root cover, either in spray or powder form, a bit like dry shampoo, which really does an awesome job of reducing how often you have to color. I can get away with once every 3 months.

    10. Former Employee*

      Even natural red hair seems to fade.

      Most natural red heads I have known seem to experience their color fading as they age and they appear to go grey at a younger age than average.

      I believe that Julianne Moore has been coloring her hair back to her earlier color for years.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Wait, really? I’ve always heard that redheads (I’m one) don’t go grey at all and just get lighter/sandier as time goes on.

        I’m 44 and my hair color still hasn’t changed, and I thought that was part of the deal.

          1. Former Employee*

            I guess I should have included white and not just mentioned grey. When I was a child, an older family member had beautiful white hair, but I was told it was originally red. I never saw the person with red hair because they would have been in their early 60’s when I was born.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            My dad’s (brown hair) is all white now but was salt-and-pepper for a long time. I do not like that on me, so I’m keeping it blonde until it goes all white. At that time, I may grow it out and just have long-ass white hair and put cool colors in it.

            Or I may stay with long blonde movie-star hair for the rest of my days. :)

        2. Indoor Cat*

          There is science on this! Okay, so grey hair is an optical illusion, in which some individual hairs turn white and others don’t.

          Most people’s individual hairs are not all the same color, or shade of that color. Two pigments make up all natural hair colors– eumelanin and phomelanin. Every single hair has a mix of both kinds of melanin, but in different quantities than other hairs on the same head. Gingers have the most phomelanin, blondes have the most eumelanin, brunettes have a more even balanced mix.

          Hair color is genetic, but six different genes contribute to melanin. And hair color changes when the melanin-producing cells in the scalp just…die. Our hair still grows, but those cells are dead. For whatever reason, phomelanin producing hair follicles generally live longer than eumelanin producing cells.

          But, if a person has some blonde hairs and some red hairs (making a “strawberry blonde” color), they’ll go gray earlier (generally) than others, because the blonde hairs will turn white, and combined with the red hairs, they begin to take on a grey texture.

          1. LizB*

            Ooh, is this also why several people in my family were very blonde as small children and got more and more brunette as they got older? Did their eumelanin producing cells start dying off and change the balance of pigments?

            2. Panda Bandit*

              People tend to have darker hair after they’ve gone through puberty and that may be one of the contributors.

        3. McWhadden*

          Redheads tend to wake up with silver hair later in life. Like going from a Tully to a Targaryen.

        4. Indie*

          I WAS a natural redhead! I’ve been grey since 35. My brunette brother had a white quiff at age 19 though so it seems to be a family thing, not a hair colour thing. I’ve heard that the Irish (which we are descendants of) go prematurely grey as a ‘price for the fine skin’ which I take with a pinch of salt in spite of my nice skin!

        5. phyllisb*

          Sorry, Alison. My sister is (was) a natural redhead and now her hair is a beautiful snow white. I don’t remember exactly when hers started changing because she started coloring it, but I think it was in her late thirties/early 40’s. She’s 69 now and decided about 10 years ago to let nature take its course. We have different dads, (and different hair color/type.) My dad’s family were all blondes that went brown/dishwater and didn’t have any grey until they were close to 80. I inherited this so I don’t know if I will ever go fully grey; but I can guarantee that if I ever go white, I will be thrilled.

        6. Muriel Heslop*

          I’m 47 year old redhead and just over the last three years find one or two stray grays every three months or so. They are usually coarse and wiry. I’m definitely more strawberry blonde in some places and I am hoping to be like my auburn haired mother and be 10% gray at 72.

          My hair does get lighter pretty easily – every time I get my hair cut, people think I’ve colored it. It’s just so much darker after I get the top layer thinned out. Then again, I live in the south and am outside in the sun year round.

        7. LS*

          My grandmother was a flaming carrot redhead and her hair just got lighter and lighter from her 50s onwards until she was a very pale strawberry blonde when she passed away in her mid-70s. I just inherited auburn tones, but my cousin is also a flaming carrot redhead and starting to get lighter in her 40s. So it’s definitely the case for some redheads!

        8. Eye of the Hedgehog*

          My mom is pushing sixty and while her red has faded considerably, she has not gone grey yet. Her brunette parents were both fully grey by her age.

        9. KarenT*

          My best friend has red hair and it’s gone quite grey. It may not be the norm but it definitely happens!

      2. Pol*

        I don’t know, my father is a redhead and over 60, and only recently his beard started going white (no grey).

        There were a few red haired women in the family in my grandparents’ generation with red hair who kept the color into their 70s (then died, so no data after that).

        He isn’t getting bald, either, though his father was pretty bald at that age (and his younger, brown haired brother has largely grey-white, thinning hair by now…)

      3. Momma Bear*

        Not true for me! I’m nearly 50, my natural red is still vibrant, not a single gray.
        My grandmother’s was similarly naturally vibrant into her 70s, that’s what I am hoping for!

    11. Michaela Westen*

      I have darkish brown hair and dyed it a color called Light Golden Chestnut, which is a little reddish, for a long time to cover the gray. I did it myself and when it grew out I dyed only the roots because I wanted it to have natural variations.
      I didn’t notice any color fading, maybe because it was chestnut instead of red? It seemed to have a gold cast.
      Maybe a chestnut shade would work for you?

    12. G*

      My cousin has dyed her hair in rainbow colours in the past. She says the only colour that lasts very long is blue.

      1. Red Reader*

        I’ve found personally that blue fades super fast, but purple lasts quite well, fades into wine/burgundy shades.

      2. Temperance*

        For me, bright pink faded much more slowly than blue. Blue washes out pretty quickly and turns a greenish color without regular upkeep.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I was a redhead for YEARS. Yes, it does fade faster than any other color. I finally had to switch because grey was coming in faster than I could keep up and I was touching up my roots every two weeks. That got old. :P Originally, I was going for a lighter red, but it came out more blonde and I liked it better.

      Wash it less often and stay out of the sun! I think a tinted glaze treatment might also help–anyway, my stylist recommended that to me before I changed over. It won’t do anything about regrowth but 4-6 weeks touchup is pretty good. The closer it is to your natural color in terms of shade, the better it will look.

    14. Fiennes*

      I’ve been artificially red for several years now, and I love it. My coloring works well with it, and I don’t mind going bold. I touch up every month, though this is primarily because my hair grows fast and is getting very patchily gray. So it doesn’t matter to me that much—YMMV.

      Of home hair dyes, I personally prefer Schwarzkopf (yes, like the general) brand. They provide very good coverage and stay vivid about as long as any red can. I get lots of compliments on the shade (Ruby Red, which is gorgeous but not for the faint of heart.) Personally I think it looks as good or better than it did when I first got it done at the salon. Although it can be tricky to find Schwarzkopf dyes in your neighborhood drugstore, they are available on Amazon.

    15. Slartibartfast*

      I use Schwartzkopf vintage red, because I like vivid red. and I don’t shampoo every day. I will wash and condition one day, shower but don’t get my head wet on day 2, wet but only use conditioner day 3. My natural hair is mousy brown, and probably at least 25% gray, and I color every 8 weeks or so. I also use Loreal root touch up spray as needed.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        Also, when I wanted more natural and less flaming red, I would mix a red and auburn to get an in between tone. I used Loreal Preference when I did this, put half of each color in one developer bottle, save the other developer and other halves of the color creme for next time. It was a very natural result and seemed to last longer, but it didn’t cover the grays as well (main reason why I switched to Schwartzkopf)

        1. phyllisb*

          Speaking of red hair, my son (who is blond like I was) grew a beard, and it was flaming red. Now the hair on his head is turning red. I think that is so bizarre (not the beard, I know it’s common for mens beards to be a different color) but I think it’s odd that his hair is turning red I would have thought it would turn either a muddy color like mine did, or turn grey. It’s also turning loose. Much to his char gain.

          1. Slartibartfast*

            I used to be naturally red, turned to brown as I got older, but I would still get flaming red streaks in the sun. I wonder if that’s part of why red doesn’t seem to fade out for me as quickly?

    16. Almost Violet Miller*

      Wow, thank you all for the awesome suggestions!
      I’m in Europe but most of the products mentioned are available in my local drugstore, for the rest I will check online.
      I’m really tempted to try henna. I’m a bit shy about DIY hair coloring so I’ll probably ask a more experienced (or braver) friend to help me out. I know of a few salons that use henna, that might also work.
      For some condition similar to seborrhea I need to use a specific shampoo about once a week, I’ll check if that works with henna. My hair has zero volume so I use something by John Frieda but I can live without that.
      Will let you know which product I went for and how it turned out in the next couple of week!
      Enjoy Easter if you celebrate it or have a nice weekend! And once again thanks for the answers.

  3. Laura in NJ*

    Anyone know where I can find Series 2 of “Science of Stupid”? I’m having a very difficult time; I’d try Netflix but they require a credit card just to search and I don’t want to deal with that hassle just find my show.

    2. JKP*

      In the US, and not on Netflix. And only series 1 for sale (not prime) on Amazon.

      If you get the Yahoo Video Guide app (free) you can search by show and it will show you all the services that have that show. It’s a lot easier than looking on each streaming service you have trying to find it.

      1. Casuan*

        There are other sites that also do this, such as Reelgood-dot-com.

        I’ve never heard of the series although it sounds interesting!
        I’ll look it up. :)

  4. Handy nickname*

    I didn’t buy a tv before I moved last week, so the only movie source I have right now is Prime Video on my tablet, and I’m looking for suggestions! I started watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and adore it. Didn’t watch a ton of tv showed before this, but I liked Rick & Morty (even though a lot of the fans suck, sadly), That 70s Show, Christy, Coach, and plan to watch House of Cards. Mrs. Maisel is by far my favorite so far though!

    Any suggestions of other shows available on Prime video that you’ve enjoyed?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      If quirk colliding with super heroes tickles your fancy, my son (teenage) and I really liked The Tick. And it’s in half hour increments, which was handy for us.

      Arthur is a quiet nerd who has been trying to prove that a supervillain faked his death. One day a large confident person in a tick costume pops up and starts offering him villain-fighting advice, completely blowing Arthur’s whole under the radar, no one will believe me, thing. Hits all the superhero origin tropes, but with fun twists. And I think Alan Tudyk plays Danger Boat.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Seconding the rec for The Tick! I was a fan of the animated series ages ago as well. It’s quirky and moves along quickly.

    2. MCL*

      I just finished watching The Wire several years late, and loved it. All seasons are on Prime. The first two seasons of VEEP are also there for something lighter.

      2. Phideaux*

        I second The Wire. I loved that each season was a different story line, not just typical cop show. However, I need to say that Mrs. Phideaux did not appreciate the violence, language, and regular use of the n-word (when gang members would refer to each other) If that bothers you then you probably wouldn’t enjoy this show.

    3. Juli G.*

      The Americans! The last season starts on FX this week and it’s a show that is very underrated.

    4. Emily*

      I enjoyed Hannibal, but it’s very artsy and can get pretty graphic (as one might expect in a show about serial killers), so your mileage may vary!

      I’ve heard that a lot of people like Orphan Black (science fiction series where the main actress plays a bunch of different clones), but I haven’t watched it, so I can’t personally vouch for it.

        1. Sylvan*

          There is also a lot of dark humor in it and a romantic plot that you might not expect if your only touchstone for the characters is Silence of the Lambs. It’s fun. It’s not unrelentingly grim.

          1. Handy nickname*

            That sounds like something I’d really enjoy, but my stomach tends to be not great with graphic violence in shows. Ugh I wish I could watch it!

    5. Red Reader*

      I keep meaning to watch Chance with Hugh Laurie (big House fan), but haven’t been able to do it when I can pay enough attention to follow it. (I do a lot of my tv watching while multitasking.)

      1. Handy nickname*

        Yeah I’ve been turning a show on in the evenings while I’m making supper and cleaning up for bed. So mostly watching things that are engaging but not too complex, but sounds like a good one to save for later!

    6. Laura in NJ*

      The Grand Tour, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s hosted by the old “Top Gear” guys and there’s two seasons so far. They’re currently filming series 3.

    7. Anona*

      Goliath grew on me. If you like house of cards, you may like it. There’s some intrigue. We’ve also enjoyed sneaky Pete and man in the high Castle (which reimagines postwar history if the Nazis had won). High Castle is a little weird but interesting.

      1. Parenthetically*

        How dark is Man in the High Castle? I mean the subject matter is pretty dark, but how relentless is it? I like counterfactual histories but have held off on it because I don’t want, like, psychologically oppressive entertainment, you know?

        1. Thursday Next*

          It is not necessarily relentless, but I’ll admit it took me a few tries to get through the first episode. Once I was in, I was all in, and I’m eager for season 3.

        2. KR*

          Yes! The Nazi government in Eastern America is…. Unsettling and there are some antiquated ablest, racist, and xenophobic views/actions/rules that definitly made me do a double take and think for a moment but there isn’t a ton of gore and it’s got me hooked as well for the next season.

      3. Nines*

        I was really fond of Sneaky Pete too! I haven’t watched season 2 but I’m excited about it!
        Catastrophe is a sitcom and it’s just fantastic.
        I also loved Hannibal.
        I’m currently working through the Sons of Anarchy seasons. It’s not fantastic, but it’s entertaining.
        Oh! And I think the first couple seasons of American Horror Story are still available on Amazon. I fell in love with those!

    8. Stacy*

      I absolutely adore Last Tango in Halifax. If you’re not strictly limited to Prime I highly recommend it. I bought all of the series because Amazon has the original versions of the episodes that aired on BBC, not the edited PBS/Netflix versions, and I re-watch it often enough that it’s more than worth it.

      1. Handy nickname*

        I’m not technically, but I’m trying to check out ones that are on there before I start spending money, but if I ever get a chance I’ll check it out!

    9. Piano Girl*

      A Man Called Ove is a wonderful movie, if you don’t mind subtitles! I’ve also enjoyed Mozart in the Jungle.

    10. Parenthetically*

      Oh man I LOVED Mrs. Maisel. Hysterically funny. Following this thread because we just don’t use our Prime video as much as we should.

      1. Handy nickname*

        Isn’t it though!? I’m halfway through the first season, and it’s absolutely delightful. The characters (especially Midge) are so relatable- she is fantastic and funny and screws up at all the right plot points. Got the recommendation from here a few weeks ago!

    11. Casuan*

      “Lark Rise to Candleford” is an excellent series.
      It’s doubtful I would have watched the series on my own, although I was visiting someone & they were watching it so I got drawn in & loved it.

      I think it is on Amazon Prime…?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        It is! I started bingeing it when we were away over Christmas. So good. Though I did get a bit exhausted of it after about 5 straight seasons. :)

    13. Lady Jay*

      I watched the Battlestar Galatica reboot on Prime. The first couple of seasons are really excellent: well-acted, complex, surprising, and thought-provoking. Also The Big Sick is on Amazon Prime; I loved the characters and the unexpected focus not on the main character and his love interest, but on the main character and his love interests’ parents. It’s a funny movie but doesn’t accept easy resolutions for difficult situations.

    14. Muriel Heslop*

      We loved Mrs Maisel so much! We’ve also enjoyed Mozart in the Jungle. There’s only one season, but we LOVED The Last Tycoon with Kelsey Grammer, Matt Bomer and Lily Collins. Definitely recommend it.

      Our favorite of all: Catastrophe. It’s absolutely hilarious. It’s about a couple who has a fling, she gets pregnant, and they try to make the relationship work. Plus: Carrie Fisher. It’s complicated, a little dark, but so funny.

      Good uck!

      2. Nines*

        Yesss!!!! I was so surprised Catastrophe hasn’t been mentioned earlier. It’s so well done and hilarious and intelligent. I just love it.

  5. Cookie Addict*

    Psst. It’s Daniel Mallory Ortberg now. :) Though, I’m not sure if books published before pre-transition get attributed differently post-transition.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yeah, I wasn’t sure how it would work with books, but since Slate is still listing his byline as Mallory as recently two days ago, I don’t think he’s made the change with authorship yet. (If anyone thinks I’m wrong about this, let me know and I will inquire!)

    2. Cristina in England*

      The article in The Cut said that his name change wouldn’t be appearing in Slate bylines for another six months or so.

    3. fposte*

      Unless there’s a reissue, the publisher isn’t likely to change the name on a book that’s already out, so the book itself is likely to still have the pre-transition name. I think probably the likeliest model here is pseudonyms and maiden/marriage names–you cite the book as published but might parenthetically add the better known or more current name. So you definitely wouldn’t just say “by Daniel Ortberg,” because that’s confusing in finding the book by Mallory; you could, though, say “Mallory (now Daniel) Ortberg.”

      The person I immediately thought of was tJan Morris, who had an extensive writing career as James Morris, and I was interested to see how varied her stuff was treated. Penguin UK still has a 1979 work of James in print and hasn’t changed the name on it, but most of her stuff is out under Jan now, including other editions of the same work. While she was a huge pioneer and conventions weren’t exactly worked out when she transitioned, I think her case reveals the complexity of the nomenclature issue.

      1. fposte*

        Sorry, she’s not tJan, just Jan–not sure whose t that is. She wanted less of that, not more.

        1. fposte*

          I think colloquially that’ll work fine; it’s just an actual citation where you need to be clear what’s on the book, not just what the person is named now.

      3. McWhadden*

        Funny enough I have the first volume of her Empire series as Jan but the third volume as James. So, it seems pretty erratic.

        But she’s been Jan since the 70s. That’s over four decades to get it right. I think we can give it a few months here.

      4. JamieS*

        My understanding is the name is supposed to be whatever the book was published under. So if Jan Morris published a book under James Morris in 1978 and the book was reprinted in 2018 the name on the book would still be James Morris but if she wrote a book in 2018 then it’d be published as Jan Morris. Admittedly I could be way off since I’m no expert on this but that’s the understanding I’ve been operating under.

        1. fposte*

          Most of the books Jan wrote as James have been reissued as being by Jan Morris. The publishers didn’t rush out to reprint when she transitioned, but it’s been several decades, she’s a popular writer, and stuff has gotten reprinted since then. The Penguin Classics version of the Pax Britannica series seems to be an odd exception, but a more recent version of those by a different publisher is under Jan. It may just be Penguin printed a crap ton of them and is still getting rid of the inventory (they probably wouldn’t do that in the U.S. because of unfavorable tax laws, but I don’t know how that works in the UK).

          The official citation would depend on which edition you were using; in the Ortberg case, there is still no edition officially labeled “Daniel Ortberg,” so it would be under the Mallory name.

        2. Rusty Shackelford*

          And yet, a million years ago when I was in college and looking in the card catalog for a book by Clare Boothe, I was redirected to Clare Boothe Luce, even though the book had been published before she married Luce.

    4. Come On Eileen*

      Wow, I had no idea! I listen to Dear Prudence quite a bit and don’t think this has ever come up. Not that it naturally would, but still. Whatever the name or gender, Prudie is witty and funny and this just makes me happy.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I used the name that I’ve seen him still using on his published works as recently as this week, which I deliberately took a look at. No slight intended, and I have asked him if he’d like me to change it.

        1. LouiseM*

          On twitter he’s said that he’s happy with fans using his new name/pronouns in private conversation (so, “I can’t wait to see Daniel Ortberg speak today!”) but is using old names/pronouns professionally and in book promo for the time being.

          1. Lance*

            Makes some sense; that’s the name they’re recognizable under at the moment, after all. Just gotta give the name some time for transition in people’s heads.

  6. Lcsa99*

    Please send out any good luck vibes you can. My mother has been trying for the last 5 years to get on disability. She has a laundry list of ailments and is in constant pain, yet she was denied the first time she tried, attempted to have that changed through the courts and the judge mishandled her case twice before she was able to get the decision thrown out. Monday she gets a new hearing and I think this will be a final straw for her if she gets denied again. 

    She can’t walk around a single block without getting out of breath, is in tears if she tries to walk up a single flight of stairs, yet she has had so much bad luck we’re all just holding our breath. 

    1. Thursday Next*

      That sounds so difficult. Your mother sounds very determined and I hope things work out this time. It’s frustrating that many disability services are so hard to access. I am sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

    2. WellRed*

      I believe it’s almost automatic to be denied the first time. I know in my state it is common for it to take a few years.

      1. Lcsa99*

        That’s what we’ve heard. It’s just exhausting her to keep this going. And I live on the other side of the country, so there is only so much I can do to support her.

    3. Diluted_Tortoiseshell*

      I am really sorry that is really hard. Went through the same with my mother. She did finally get a back payment though. I think it took 6 years before she got it. She ultimately switched to a private lawyer who agreed to take a share of her disability and did not require money up front. That was the turning point. I highly recommend you find a good disability lawyer who only gets paid if you get paid.

      Also my mother was a tough go get em type who would push herself beyond her means in the disability tests. Her new lawyer did a lot of coaching on what to say and how to perform. Not that it was dishonest but for example – if mom giving 110% could lift a box but it resulted in 3 days of being bed ridden then obviously it was not sustainable. If 40% was her sustainable I can do this every day without much repercussion that is really where she was.

      1. Lcsa99*

        She’s done all of these suggestions so she’s definitely on the right track. Just has to survive this weekend.

        Considering she called me last week practically in tears just thinking about it, I’m worried about her stress levels.

        1. Former Employee*

          Unless she has something on the list of things where you automatically get qualified (all or virtually all of them mean you won’t live much longer), it is pretty typical to be denied when you apply and then be denied again when you appeal.

          Unless things have changed since the time I knew someone who went through this process, the way you get a real shot at qualifying after denial #2 is to get an attorney and request a hearing.

          Best of luck to your mother.

    5. Casuan*

      My thoughts are with your mum & you!!
      I’m so sorry that this is so difficult & I understand the frustration. I hope it works out!

    7. Pam*

      A friend of mine took 7 years to get approved. Luckily, once they do approve, you usually get back payment

    8. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      All the best of luck to your mother, lcsa99. It’s a nerve wracking process and I really hope she comes through it okay (and with the right result).

    9. Paquita*

      Good vibes! My DH was denied. He has several of the conditions on the list. Talked to a lawyer who wouldn’t even take his case. :( He turns 65 in November and several people said that is why he was denied. To close to getting Medicare?

      1. Lcsa99*

        It’s just frustrating because you give up part of your hard earned salary to have this safety net that you can’t even use.

        Talked to her on the phone a few hours ago and she is really anxious, but has a friend that will travel with her so hopefully that will help.

    10. Massmatt*

      Best of luck, Social Security disability has the most restrictive definition of disability I know of in the field, it is notoriously hard to get. Basically the claimant has to be completely incapable of doing any work, regardless of whether that work is even available in the claimant’s area or whether it would be enough to pay the bills.

      It can be done, though it requires a lot of perseverance that many people needing it can’t muster.

  7. Jessen*

    So what’s your Easter Dinner? I have 2 kinds of cheese and some nice crackers (working on a fruit or veggie to match). And of course a cup of shrimp mix for Miss Princess.

    1. Heartlover1717*

      I’m flying solo and so keeping it simple: Bundt Pan Chicken Dinner. Still deciding on either biscuits or cornbread. Planning to bake a marble cake loaf (using Martha’s method) to have with ice cream for dessert.

        1. Heartlover1717*

          Using a bundt cake pan as the container, veggies (potatoes, onions, carrots, or whatever) go in the bottom. Take a whole chicken (about 4 lbs.), dry the skin, then massage with butter in which you’ve mixed in cut up fresh herbs. Place the chicken butt end over the post in the center of the pan (don’t cover the post – you want the hot air to circulate), place the entire thing on a baking sheet to catch any drips, and into the oven it goes. The chicken gets crispy all over (except maybe the bottom of the legs) and the veggies cook in drippings from the seasoned chicken. Quite adaptable – you can use what veggies you want, what seasoning you want – some folks will put lemon and herbs inside the chicken as well.

          1. LilySparrow*

            I love that! Beer can chicken without the beer.
            I usually do my chicken in the Dutch oven, but I don’t like how the veggies get all soupy. Must try this way.

    2. Red Reader*

      I just finished making a lemon icebox cake for my housemate to take to his mama’s dinner tomorrow. It’s going to be pretty low key at my house, we have to have the kitchen packed up by the end of the weekend because the remodel begins on Monday so I won’t have a kitchen for two weeks. But I think I’m making a zucchini pizza casserole for dinner tonight.

      1. Handy nickname*

        Oh man zucchini pizza casserole sounds so good! I’d love your recipe if you’d like to share!

        1. Overeducated*

          Likewise! I made an awesome bean pizza casserole last week so I am totally in the market for another veggie based one!

          1. Red Reader*

            Posted a link, should be out of moderation before too long, but it’s on the SixSistersStuff website too :)

              1. Red Reader*

                Hahaha. My carnivorous housemate was like “Ooh, pizza!” and the look of betrayal on his face when I told him the underneath was zucchini was just …. priceless. Slayed me laughing.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      Keeping it simple this year, so I’ll be making a tourtiere for my husband and myself with a traditional Caesar salad to match. We’re going to brunch in the morning, so I think I’ll skip anything more elaborate than that.

    5. Enough*

      I am cooking a turkey. Been a tradition to have a third turkey when the kids came home on spring break. (First two are Thanksgiving and Christmas) This year took the turkey to my son’s and his younger sister who’s near by will come by. This will be the last one probably as youngest graduates this year.

    6. Overeducated*

      Going to the in-laws’ but they don’t make a big deal about holiday meal menus, so we’re having cold cut sandwiches and dessert from a bakery. I’m making a big antipasto-type salad.

      Lunch at home though, so the question is should we attempt anything fancier than the usual Sunday post-church leftovers?

    7. Parenthetically*

      spiced lamb leg, slow-cooked until falling apart
      pesto-crusted salmon
      Jamie Oliver’s super crispy roast potatoes
      steamed spring veggies with lemon butter
      pavlova with lemon-blood orange curd and raspberries

    8. Aardvark*

      I’m hosting brunch, so dinner will probably be leftover brunch :) Brunch is hors d’ouvres (cheese plate, bacon-wrapped dates, cucumber salad, plum rye danish pending a recipe hack success, maybe some berries), ham, frittata, salad, biscuits, potatoes (trying the Smitten Kitchen recipe where you cook them at 500 degrees, with broth), and an citrus ombre cake (dang it, Food Network and your mesmerizing videos!!!)

      1. Claudette H Hulce*

        I just did those potatoes this evening to go with a hunk of leftover steak. They were Great!

    9. Agnodike*

      Can we talk about our Seder meals here too? I made wine-braised short ribs instead of the usual brisket and it was definitely a good call. Also made matzo balls from scratch instead of a mix this year and feeling pretty proud of myself!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Roast Gigot of lamb with leek and garlic sauce accompanied by gratin dauphinoise (out of the freezer) and vegetables.

        Since I can start eating chocolate again I have chocolate ice-cream to follow.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Riiiiiiibs *drooooool*

        I have no Jewish friends and I really feel like I’m missing out on some absolutely amazing food here. Carrot tzimmes must enter my life (and my mouth) before I die.

        1. Agnodike*

          I like my matzo balls right in the middle range of dense and light, so I use baking powder but no club soda. They’re too ethereal for my taste with the club soda in. But I did try simmering them in stock instead of salt water for the first time and wow did it make a difference!!

      4. raktajino*

        A friend does a giant Seder every year (where she’s usually the only Jew) and we’re making our usual offering of Spanish-influenced fish balls. My husband does most of the work, I’m just responsible for boiling the potatoes and rinsing the salt cod. Every year turns out a little differently because he never writes down the recipe. So we’ll see how they turn out today.

    11. LilySparrow*

      Not sure about main dish, but I’ve been hoarding asparagus from the garden since yesterday. (Normally, we gobble it up immediately)
      I think I may have to break down and buy a pack, not sure there will be enough.

      1. LilySparrow*

        They had frozen boneless leg of lamb at Aldi’s, pre-seasoned with rosemary & garlic.

        So it’ll be lamb, roasted potatoes, asparagus wrapped in ham and puff pastry, salad, and I’ll probably do some dinner rolls.

    12. Cute Li'l UFO*

      Last year I made a highly traditional tuna mac with peas complete with pepperoncini potato chips crumbled and baked on top. Nothing fancy but my mom and I really enjoyed it. That dinner must have cost less than $10 for the whole serving.

      This year I picked up a 4 pound leg of lamb to roast. I really love lamb and big cuts of meat are a special occasion. The big $77 prime rib we had earlier in the year (split between my dad, mom, and myself) kept us eating for four days and it was totally worth it. I’m looking forward to cooking the lamb. I’ve done chops and smaller cuts and I’ve roasted pork tenderloins but never a big roast by myself. I stewed lamb necks (a package for a literal dollar and a penny on manager’s special) earlier in the month with rosemary cut fresh from my garden and that made a wonderful stew.

      Serving alongside garlic mashed potatoes (I boil the whole clove with the potatoes and then mash it all together) and sauteed green beans. My secret for reheating mashed potatoes is to either add a little milk to them or turn them into croquettes.

      Dessert? I’m much more of a savory person but I do have some sweets I like. I bought two of my favorite cookies-and-cream cookies from Neiman Marcus yesterday which is always a nice treat.

      Oh, and I’m totally about to go buy some Peeps.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Not doing anything, since I don’t really do the religious thing anymore. My mum asked me if I wanted to drive over, but the weather is supposed to be really nasty the next couple of days so I demurred. But I did buy two chocolate Easter cupcakes with purple icing at the fancy grocery store. I ate one yesterday and will have one tomorrow. ;)

      1. Emily*

        Yum! That is about the level of my celebration – boyfriend and I bought a few different Easter chocolate candies and are going to eat them. (A very friendly woman at my pottery class invited me to her Easter brunch, which I’m considering attending, but I haven’t decided yet.)

    15. Muriel Heslop*

      We go out for Asian food every Easter. In the mornings we attend church and/or volunteer somewhere as a family and go out mid-afternoon for Asian. It’s a holiday for me, too, and that doesn’t involve elaborate cooking. Plus, my five year old says, “Yay for Easter noodles!” which is a tradition of its own.

    16. Erin*

      My grandmother had an unexpected flood (!) in her apartment, so my mother and I found ourselves cooking for 10. It’s going to be ham, scalloped potatoes, spinach and strawberry salad, and maybe some more veggies. Oh, and I’m baking rolls.

    17. Laurin Kelly*

      Deviled eggs two ways (sour cream/herb and Buffalo style), ham with a cherry-mustard glaze, prosciutto wrapped asparagus, mashed potatoes with goat cheese and caramelized onions, and mini strawberry sous vide cheesecakes.

  8. Nervous Accountant*

    Re: Keto vs low carb vs atkins/south beach & readymade meal ideas

    My crazyass is about to start a diet 2 weeks before a MAJOR deadline at work (yay tax season!). But yeah, so I don’t know hte difference between the 3 but I’ve heard too many good things to not try.

    I don’t have time at all to meal plan but I have access to delis and restaurants that serve a variety of meals and I’ve budgeted for this so I really need simple ideas for breakfast lunch and snacks that are ready made/easily purchased. My company buys dinner every night so if I know wha t to avoid I can still have that.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Keto is useful if you have certain seizure disorders; I wouldn’t touch it otherwise. Your body runs on carbohydrates, which are in any plant-based food, and plants should be the basis of any diet.

      South Beach is the most reasonable of those, with a focus on lean protein and lots of vegetables. I also think the temporary time off from things like sugar and white flour (it’s one of those where you add foods in and see how they do) can be helpful to resetting your tastes.

      Also I would really advise starting it April 16th. One of the keys is the ability to have The Healthy Option be The Default Option, and that’s tough when you are stressed and low on time.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        What is the difference between all SBD keto and Atkins? I’m diabetic so I need to be watching carbs to begin with.

        1. To your point*

          I can’t answer about the other two, but keto is EXTREMELY low carb – around 20-25 grams a day of carbs.

        2. WellRed*

          I have type 1 and watch carbs but I think keto sounds too restrictive. With any if these diets, meal planning is a big part of it. But, if you need to go the takeout route, salads, cut up veggies, lean protein, hard boiled eggs, nuts, broth based soup (one cup, measure it).

        3. Cedrus Libani*

          Atkins is relatively dated, as compared to modern keto protocols. Atkins is just low carb – to a first approximation, eat whatever you want, so long as it’s not a carbohydrate.

          Keto is specifically high fat (and moderate protein). The idea is, eat enough protein to maintain lean mass, but not so much that your body is burning it for a significant proportion of calories. Also, you’re meant to supplement electrolytes fairly aggressively.

          If you try to eat low salt and low fat while also doing an Atkins style diet, you will at best be miserable, and may do yourself permanent harm. Seriously, don’t do that. You’ll give yourself kidney stones. And don’t do ultra-high-fat one week and rice cakes the next, you’ll give yourself gallstones. Any treatment that’s strong enough to work has side effects…but modern keto protocols are well-studied and quite safe.

          I’ve been on hardcore keto for years, due to neurological issues. My target is nearly 80% fat by calories – though I’m active and at normal weight, generally someone in weight loss mode would need less. I’m also the laziest person alive when it comes to routine household tasks like meal prep, so if I can do it, you can.

          My goal is to be able to eat a normal dinner, whether at home (partner eats a standard diet) or at a restaurant. In both cases, this generally involves a hunk of meat and some vegetables. Which is fine, and can be found almost anywhere, but it’s not nearly enough fat on its own.

          So, my daily brunch is Keto Chow. If you’ve heard of Soylent, it’s a similar meal-replacement concept. It comes as a dry powder, to which you add heavy cream and water…if you’re in weight loss mode, use more water. It takes literal seconds to make, and is actually tasty – it’s like a salty milkshake. I put in enough heavy cream to balance my macros for the day, which is also enough calories that I lose interest in food until dinnertime.

          For electrolytes, I make a mix of regular and potassium salt, 5:1 ratio, and bring it everywhere. I take a teaspoon of it each night, and more as needed. That, plus a daily magnesium pill, is my routine. Seriously, you need electrolytes. If you don’t get enough, you will think you have the world’s worst hangover – that’s your body telling you to get your ish together before you hurt yourself.

          While “keto flu” is mostly an electrolyte issue, it’s true that it takes a few weeks to fully adapt. While your body is ramping up the fat metabolism, you’re going to be a little draggy. Honestly, it wasn’t a problem for me in terms of daily life, but don’t expect much of yourself athletically.

          Two weeks isn’t forever, though…if life is kicking your butt right now, consider taking a first step (e.g. cutting out sugar) now, and then figuring out what full keto would look like for you after tax day.

      2. fposte*

        Agree on the timing.

        If you can stay away from readymade meals, that’s the best thing. There’s some evidence that the health gains people reported from Atkins when it first hit public consciousness are harder to obtain now that there are Atkins-friendly packaged foods–that basically a decent amount of the health gains and weight loss was from moving away from processed foods rather than Atkins per se.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          I’m sorry by “ready made” i meant something that I can get made fresh at the deli, so takeaway/takeout is the proper term? My bad!

          I’m inclined to agree w u on the processed stuff….I’ve tried freezer meals before (not low carb, just trying to go for convenience) and while they LOOK promising the taste was just super disappointing. Only one I really liked is stouffers’ grandma casserole…. (mmmm not keto but mmmm yea)

        2. Cedrus Libani*

          TBH, any diet plan that forbids break-room donuts will get results…

          My personal suspicion is that our bodies can handle a wide range of inputs – complex starches, fatty meats, we’re built to handle both as they become available. We’re not built for refined sugars or hyper-palatable processed foods. I’m on board with the diet philosophy of “eat real food” – keto works well for me, but most healthy people will be fine if they simply avoid junk food. (Some people try eating smaller portions of the same crap, but that’s miserable, just ask anyone who’s tried it.)

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, my best diet move was pulling Apple Pay off my phone when the work vending machine started accepting it.

    2. Lissa*

      I’m planning on doing a couple of no-sugar weeks as soon as my work crunch period ends, I know from experience i’m going to be a lethargic mess, so you have my sympathy.

      I know some people who have done *really* well on keto, though it’s not for me. For some people, sugar/carbs seem to make them way hungrier. I think a lot of the benefit comes from having to pay close attention to what you eat and having to avoid things like muffins/doughnuts (my favourite things…) For easily purchased snacks I suggest hard-boiled eggs, they usually have them pre-made in stores these days.

    3. Fiennes*

      My partner and I have just begun intermittent fasting, which is not a diet but an eating pattern. The idea is that you only consume calories during an 8 or 10 or 5 hour stretch of the day. (Women do better with 10 hour windows, at least to start.) You don’t eat the rest of the time, though coffee and tea are okay. (As is some milk in your coffee, or a couple of cough drops—basically, keep it under 50 calories total for your fasting time. During your eating window, have whatever you want, within reason. (Obviously, if you eat three huge pizzas a day, no fast can save you. Eat normally and reasonably.) To start with, this is no more than cutting out after dinner snacks and breakfast. Its effectiveness lies in ensuring you have a few hours in fat-burning mode all day, and while you should definitely get in at least two good meals and some healthier snacks, you’ll almost inevitably reduce your total calorie intake.

      We’re still in early days, so I can’t yet pronounce judgment on this. There are people for whom this is contraindicated, and women need to start much slower, so I would advise reading up extensively on intermittent fasting before deciding to try it. However, there appears to be a fair bit of actual science indicating that this method can be very effective for weight loss, and has some other health benefits too. And beginning the process was pretty painless for us both.

      1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq*

        Yeah this is sort of my general eating pattern now; I can’t say I’ve lost weight, but I can only eat 2 meals a day, max… I feel completely stuffed to the gills if I eat three meals in a day now. So it’s pretty good for food costs :)

        1. Fiennes*

          I’m not. Anyone who reads up on this before trying it—as they definitely should—will readily find information about the groups for whom this isn’t a good idea.

          1. TL -*

            Sorry, that was for Nervous Accountant, who is diabetic.

            Should’ve been more specific in my use of ‘you’ there.

      3. ket*

        My personal experience mixes a few comments here: I can do intermittent fasting (I’m a woman, 10 hours eating/14 hours fasting indeed is better than 8 hrs or less eating, unlike my male compatriots) but only if I cut the sugars and starches and eat a fair bit more protein. For instance, intermittent fasting with oatmeal for breakfast or vegetarian pasta for dinner? I hate you all. The world is stupid. And I’m still hungry. Intermittent fasting with eggs & veggies for breakfast and meat and veggies and maybe some potatoes, all drizzled with olive oil, for dinner? No problem!

        You could consider something like “Primal” (Mark Sisson’s diet) which probably cuts between keto and South Beach. Aim for 50-150 g carbs a day, lots of veggies in wonderful ways, carbs only from starchy veggies as opposed to grains, meat, nuts, various fats, and an occasional glass of wine.

    4. Can’t remember my name*

      I am using an app called lose it for calorie tracking and I am surprised how well it is working for me. I’m dropping 1-2 pounds a week and have lost eleven pounds so far. My goal is to lose 40 pounds and I am projected to reach that goal late in October. I can eat anything I want but need to stay within my daily calorie limits. It is really easy for me to stick to this since I don’t feel deprived of anything, and I am surprised that I am not minding the calorie counting part of it!

    5. Mm Hmm*

      I’m on team wait-til-the-18th. There are relatively simple things you can try tweaking in the interim. For me, a big one has been having a high protein, low carb breakfast (eg eggs, burger, etc). That gives me a more stable start than a higher carb breakfast does, & reduces the carb cravings that come hard on the heels of a carby breakfast. I’m likely to eat less, and if a better balance, afterward.

      Another thing that is working for me is adding (plain) kefir. It helps change the microbiome in ways that also reduce my sugar cravings. I’m making my own kefir, and have been surprised to find it so delicious.

      When sugar is unavoidable, be sure you’re getting fat with it. The fat will cushion the hit to your insulin system. Caffeine hits your insulin system, too, as you probably know.

      Short term: in your circumstances I’d be upping protein at breakfast & upping protein & greens in general, & trying to drink 80oz of water every day.

      You have so much on your plate, if you’ll excuse the expression, that waiting til your deadline passes increases your chances for successful implementation.

      Good luck, whatever you decide.

    6. chi type*

      My suggestion for a healthy semi-pre-made lunch: buy and cook an entire box of quinoa, buy pre-made veggie salads like you find in the grocery store deli (bean salads are usually your best bet, avoid the creamy pasta ones). Make a bed of quinoa and put the salad on top. If you really want meat, you can usually buy cooked chicken breast strips, just make sure they don’t have a lot of extra crap in them.
      Breakfast I haven’t really figured out yet. I usually just eat a clif bar. :(

  9. Foster Mom*

    Thanks everyone for the advice last month on my teenage foster daughter and battling an eating disorder! I really appreciate everyone’s input, especially nep! Things are going pretty well. She has stopped purging and has therapy and nutrition classes every other week. We are trying to now regulate binge eating and late night eating, so if anyone has advice for that I would appreciate it! I just picked up Ellyn Satter’s book and have started to read that.

    So far being a foster mom is pretty great! I’m trying to teach her responsibility and money management with the stipend we get. She is 15 and boy crazy!!! Holy cow, the boys!! If anyone has any other advice for teenage girls I am all ears!! Thanks all!

    1. Kn*

      Honestly I’ve got no idea about foster childs, but I can remember my own teenage years very clearly. And honestly, someone listening to all worries, problems and interests without any judgement would have been something that I would have really needed.
      It might be difficult to not patronize where it’s not appropriate, but the more open minded you are the easier it will be for her to talk with you about actual problems and to take your advice seriously.

    2. Cafe au Lait*

      Being boy crazy can be a sign of ADD in girls. Since it’s a socially acceptable obsession, it doesn’t raise the same markers as another type of obsession would. It’s worth keeping in the back of your mind as she progresses through therapy.

    3. nep*

      She is so fortunate to have you!
      Glad things are going better and that she’s doing therapy and nutrition classes. Power and good vibes to you all.

    4. King Friday XIII*

      Foster parenting is so necessary and so under appreciated! I think she’s lucky to have you.

    5. Loopy*

      I don’t have any advice but I just want to commend you for being genuinely invested in her health and recovery. I was a teenage foster child with different issues and I could tell my foster mother saw them as a burden and it was an awful feeling. She made some annoyed comments about having to take off work when I was sitting with her in mental health ER waiting room and it was so terrible.

      You sound amazing for willingly putting the time and effort into your foster daughters well being!!!

      1. Thursday Next*

        That’s terrible, Loopy, that you had to go through that. Hugs to your younger self, if they’d be welcome.

    6. Thursday Next*

      You sound like a wonderful foster mom—thoughtful and caring. I think some of the most important parental qualities are a willingness to listen, and a commitment to teaching skills to promote independence. It sounds like you’ve got those bases covered!

    7. Triplestep*

      This advice may be premature; If so keep it tucked away for the future: My daughter’s first big deal relationship started when she was 16, and my rule was “never be home alone together.” (I told her my expectation was that she not be home alone at his house either, but I knew that I didn’t make the rules there.) I explained to her that this was not because I thought they were animals who would tear each other’s clothes off given any opportunity, but that I wanted to help her be really intentional around decisions about sex. And that it’s easy to get carried away when you like someone and you’re attracted to him, so the best way to stay intentional is to just follow a few basic rules.

      I was really clear with her that sex was not bad, and she was not bad for having sexual feelings; that I knew she would likely develop strong feelings for someone and have sex with him well before she was married. I just wanted her to be thoughtful about it, and I that this would help.

      They waited until they’d been together 7 months, which I consider a huge success and even she says it was more than twice as long as most of her friends took with new guys. (‘Course, it took place in her bedroom when they were flouting the rule by being alone together, but still – she TOLD me about it! And I also consider that a success.)

  10. Nervous Accountant*

    probably the best thing going on aside from tax season is that I finally convinced my endocrinologist to change my insulin and OH MY GOD its a life changer!!!!

    2 weeks on it, and my highest high was still lower than my “low”. Yall, I was literally scared for my life esp after my dad died and thinking I would’nt make it to see hte next week. For the last 2 months it was hovering 250-500. Some of it was my shitty diet, but I was also stressed out AF and I had a feeling the meds weren’t working.

    Fast forward to now, and the last 2 weeks it feels like my life’s changed. I don’t feel magically better, I still feel like crap some days, but it’s the mental boost I got from finally seeing my #s improve. Even the insulin weight gain doesn’t bum me out. Even when I eat bad sometimes (don’t judge) my numbers are still far better than when I was strictly dieting on the previous medicine. The biggest thing is that I FINALLY feel like I can get this shit under control eventually w diet and exercise. I really wish my previous PCP had worked harder at switching me over instead of just saying try harder.

    2. Juli G.*

      That’s great! Good work advocating for yourself. Even when you have great doctors, it can be intimidating.

    1. Caledonia*

      Can’t fight you on this particular option because I never watched. HOWEVER, I would like to put it out there that Will Bailey/ Joshua Molina did not ruin West Wing.

      1. Dopameanie*

        See, now, it’s gonna be hard to fight since I’ve never seen West Wing.
        HOWEVAH!
        The next best thing to an Internet Fight is a new Strong Opinion. So I’m with you now! Molina all the way!!!

        1. Casuan*

          Dopameanie, your enthusiasm is cracking me up!!
          Seriously, it’s just what I needed today. Thank you so much for that!

          & There’s nothing better than an Internet Fight with Strong Opinions !!

          I was going to say “Internet Fight on Little Stupid Things” although that isn’t quite accurate. Nor is “Trivial.” The gist is non-health, non-sports, non-political, non-religious…
          Just a good ol’ fashioned respectful debate.
          ummm… Ol’ fashioned yet on the internet.
          :-D

          Suggestions?

          1. Dopameanie*

            So, in my real life, I have to be a consensus builder. I have to softly talk cranky old white dudes off the ledge so they keep their money and power where I want it. My failures can be catastrophic for at-risk families. I have to carefully consider all angles and be cautious of who I step on. I have to weigh all my words so they are not twisted and thrown back at me.
            It is a joy to pick a fight that I can be as stubborn and careless about as I want.
            The War of the Inconsequential is the BEST war in which to take up arms.

      4. all aboard the anon train*

        I didn’t care for Will when I first watched the show in the same way I didn’t like Amy Gardner, but they both grew on me a lot with rewatches.

        I find Will especially endearing now after listening to Josh on The West Wing Weekly podcast.

      5. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

        Agree about Will/Josh!!

        Still I laugh every time I think of Will with the Laurens…

      6. Horizon*

        I’m kind of meh on Will, but I absolutely love Josh Molina on the podcast. I especially his quick wordplay, and his dynamic with Hrishi. Without the Will character there would be no WEST WING WEEKLY, which would make me sad.

        Now, if someone wanted to argue Alan Sorkin leaving didn’t ruin West Wing, I’m ready to rumble. My repeated rewatching stop at season 4’s end.

        1. LemonLyman*

          I wouldn’t go as far a saying “ruined,” but it definitely became a different show. It’s like it wanted to find an identity outside of Aaron Sorkin. I think it picked up when they went into the elections and I enjoyed the addition of Jimmy Smits to the cast.

    2. Bigglesworth*

      I like both, but I am first a fan of the original Kirk. I read once that Kirk is a man of action and Picard is a man of words. A man of action was needed to get people interested and invested in this new space odyssey series. A man of words and diplomacy kept those same people intrigued and continuing to come back for more.

      Also, if I’m being honest, the fact that when Kirk takes his shirt off he looks like a normal human and not some ripped man who spends all of his time at the gym appeals to me. This isn’t compared to Picard, but rather to today’s modern superheros.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That was very much the thing in those days–if you watch films from that era, you don’t see many ripped dudes except maybe in beach or bodybuilding films. They almost all have average–though slim–physiques or what we’d now call dad bods. And many of them don’t look like models, either.

        John Gavin, the guy who played Steve Archer in Imitation of Life and Sam Loomis in Psycho was ridiculously good-looking but still had a fairly average build. (He died this past February, at 86.)

        1. Casuan*

          “Imitation of Life” is one of two movies that puts me in tears each time I watch it.
          The other is “The Little Princess”— the Shirley Temple version.

          :::sigh:::
          I’ve learnt not to question why this is.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I only just saw it a couple of weeks ago on the big screen–Alamo Drafthouse had a free screening and I was invited (I made it to Captain level in the Victory Club, LOL). I CRIED SO MUCH.

      2. Dopameanie*

        JTK was a loose cannon who refused to play by the rules! He should’ve been stripped of command by the 4th or 5th time he ignored the Prime Directive in order to get Space Tail. JLP was a consensus builder who respected his crew members equally regardless of gender. He was a gentleman AND a scholar who was in no way responsible for what the Borg did.

        1. nonegiven*

          Dulmur: Be specific, Captain, which Enterprise? There’ve been five.

          Lucsly: Six.

          Captain Sisko: This was the first Enterprise – Constitution-class.

          Dulmur: His ship!

          Lucsly: James T. Kirk.

          Captain Sisko: The one and only!

          Lucsly: Seventeen separate temporal violations; the biggest file on record.

          Dulmur: The man was a menace.

      1. Dopameanie*

        The only thing in the middle of the road is roadkill. Are you WITH US OR AGAINST US?!?!

      2. Dopameanie*

        Hol’ up now. Are we talking about Sisko, impetus for the species-wide extinction of the Dominion? Pregnant wife abandoner? Guy who smashes religiously significant rocks on a whim? THAT Sisko?!

        1. Nashira*

          Ben Sisko, the complex and important character yep. He’s not any worse than any other captain and imho he’s quite a bit more complex and interesting, especially when placed in context with the real world.

        2. Casuan*

          Yes, THAT Sisko.

          Sisko’s strength was that he was vulnerable. He could say that he didn’t know something & still have authority because his people knew he would find the answer. He was willing to take major risks & to accept the consequences. Sisko didn’t go around kissing every Galactibabe he met & he could socialise with his crew without compromising his authority.

          What really sold him to me was once when Starfleet ordered that “under no circumstances are you to take the Defiant & do this thing,” he & his crew were on the Defiant to go do that thing & Starfleet was trying to hail them. Sisko asked Kira is she was even certain that the message was real because of all the interference…
          I’d been waiting for Kirk or Picard to do that.

          Also!!
          Sisko loved to cook & I love how passionate he was about the food.
          [said by moi, aka She Who Hates to Cook]

          Picard takes a close second place to Sisko.
          Yes, THAT Picard, who almost caused the Borg to assimilate Earth, who helped caused the death of Sisko’s wife… yeah, I know Picard didn’t have free will on any of this, though still…

          Picard had a certain wisdom that other Captains lacked & although he showed vulnerability, it was after the vulnerability was already exposed, as opposed to Sisko being more overt. Both captains incorporated the lessons from these times.
          & I loved the scenes between Picard & Sisko in the DS9 pilot episode.

          Picard always pushed the envelope, although didn’t quite take the risks that Sisko did.
          Also, Patrick Stewart!!

          disclaimer: I haven’t watched TOS or the TOS movies in years, so my memory of Kirk is somewhat lacking.

          1. Sparkly Librarian*

            Ah, the interstellar version of “Hello? Oh, sorry – sorry – hello? *mouth noises* It’s such a terrible connection. Sorry, gotta go, bye!” That takes guts.

          2. Dopameanie*

            Whaaat?! Dude straight-up ghosts his knocked up wife to hang with Space Jesuses and you give him a pass due to vulnerability? Sisko leads with emotional outbursts, JLP leads with restraint borne of hard-won experience. Sisko turned his workplace into a soap opera, and was the architect of ALL his worst antagonists.

            1. Casuan*

              Dude, you’re joking. Sisko wasn’t responsible for turning his workplace into a soap opera… Bajorans, Trill, Changelings, Cardassians, Ferengi, Klingons, Morn, those aliens with a stylish reptile tail from their head, Dabo girls, the Aliens of The Week…
              Sisko’s workplace was already a soap opera when he arrived!!

              And Sisko didn’t ghost his wife, he updated her on what was going on. That said, I am still pissed off that there were 7 seasons establishing the Sisko-Jake father & son relationship & Sisko did ghost Jake.
              Not cool.

              Sisko doesn’t get a pass due to his vulnerability. He has earned his accolades because of how in spite of it, he learns & grows from a Commander to a Captain. With Sisko, we saw the evolution of a captain-in-the-making as opposed to the already-been-there-done-that-so-now-has-experience Picard. Picard didn’t always have that restraint borne with hard-won experience; we all saw how cocky the younger Picard was when he got stabbed in the heart.

              Sisko had more respect from the Cardassians then Picard ever did. And as far as Q could respect anyone— if not actual respect then not disdain— he seemed to respect Sisko more Picard because Picard never had the orbs to punch Q.

              side note:
              Q disdained Janeway the least, then Sisko, last is Picard.

              The question isn’t “Who is better?”
              The real question is “Who is better at [certain stage of Starfleet career]?”

              For that, as a cadet the answer is Kirk, because Kobayashi Maru.

              2. Dopameanie*

                So I’m surprised how long it took that test to be brought up. I’m with Spock on this one; no rewards for cheater-pants Kirk.

                Also, Sisko got dumped into the inter species conflicts inherent in that position exactly like any other starfleet Officer. But all the religious drama, all the interpersonal conflict between staff, all the Incidents would’ve been avoided by anyone who bothered to allocate a couple skill points to Diplomacy(Interstellar)

                Dude was bad at his job, due to Dances-With-Wolves-Ing it up with a whole planet.

      3. Elf*

        Not much of a Sisko fan, but DS9 may be my favorite of the series from a holistic POV, not from loving any individual character. Favorite captains are definitely Picard and Janeway.

        Qochchugh vay’ DaSmeywIj bIngDaq DabeQmoHchu’ jay’

        1. Dopameanie*

          So for theme songs, DS9 wins by a MILE. Not even close. For plot, TNG. For Alien of the Week, Voyager. For Unearned White Frat Bro confidence, TOS.

          This is not just opinion. This is Truth.

    5. Sapphire*

      Here’s my preference: Janeway > Picard > Kirk. Y’all fight me. ;)

      Unfortunately, some associations of TOS Star Trek with shitty people who are now not in my life, combined with the Black Mirror episode “USS Callister” exposing the dark side of TOS Kirk kind of ruined TOS for me. Though maybe I’ll try and watch it all the way through.

      2. Dopameanie*

        Pro: Janeway had the correct philosophy regarding time travel.
        Con: I would not trust a Captain that trusted 7 of 9. Bad tactical choice.
        Truth: she was handed the crappiest plots/antagonists in that quadrant of the galaxy.

        1. Casuan*

          trusting 7 of 9…

          Janeway became Borg.
          Okay, Borg-ish.
          Collective knowledge. Trust.

          Still I’m sorting out how this explains Janeway’s trust before her Borgishification. So far the best I can do is think “time-travel.”

      3. Dopameanie*

        It took me three tries before I didn’t automatically translate TOS as terms of service…hahahaha

      5. Sea*

        Janeway all the way. Her story is essentially about being thrown into a godawful situation and still going on and doing one’s best. :)

      1. Dopameanie*

        Well you can’t use that as a distinction between the two since Picard is just as bad. MY head cannon has always been that the red shirts are equivalent to British citizens sent to Australia. Sentence commuted to Potential Cannonfodder in return for passage on a magic spaceship that manufactures everything you want along with your family if they wanna go.

      2. Casuan*

        Falling Dipththong makes a very good point. I can’t argue with that.

        ummm… This is scary. When I typed “a very” my autocorrect changed it to “Avery.”
        A few minutes ago I posted about Sisko & Picard.
        Sisko… played by Brooks… Avery Brooks…

        The Apple iOS autocorrect can’t be that smart, can it?
        CAN IT…?!?!?

        Somebody, please say that it can’t…!!
        Oh, no!! Am I a red shirt & my technology is going to get… aaauuuggghhhhhh!!

        I’ve either had too much caffeine or I need more. I guess I’ll have a raktajino.
        This has been a bizarre week!

        1. Dopameanie*

          Maybe you’ll get to be that one lady who came back from the dead? I would’ve watched a whole series following just her….

          1. Casuan*

            Maybe you’ll get to be that one lady who came back from the dead? I would’ve watched a whole series following just her….

            This is the best compliment I’ve had in weeks & I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing.
            I’ll take it as good.
            Thank you!!
            :-D

    8. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Not a chance. Romulan Warbird decloaks and charges disruptors? Picard calls a staff meeting. Kirk bluffs his way out of trouble and takes their cloaking device as a trophy.

      Picard asked for the Enterprise. Kirk stole it out from under Starfleet’s nose.

      Kirk had the best executive officer in any fleet anywhere. Heck he had the best crew overall. It took gods to take over his ship. Ferengi boarded Picard’s Enterprise.

      James T. Kirk for the win.

      2. Dopameanie*

        JTK has a gambling problem. He’s happy to gamble others’ lives and treasure to keep himself swaggering. He can’t be trusted. JLP is a chess player. There may or may not be stakes on the game, but he will take on all comers quietly, with gravity, and find a new way to win that didn’t occur to anyone else.

    9. LilySparrow*

      No argument. Just based on the fact that Picard didn’t instantly leer at every humanoid that could possibly resemble a female, made him a superior human.

        1. Dopameanie*

          OK. WOW.

          I thought I was just gonna go hop over to a new webpage, check out link, whatever. I’m gonna have to…like…make an appointment to sit and take in all that. That is A LOT.

        2. LilySparrow*

          Nope, not a victim of anything.

          I’ve been trying to watch TOS with my elementary & tween daughters, and it’s a rare episode that they don’t ask, “Why is he looking at her like that? Why did the camera go all fuzzy? Why are they playing love music?”

          Granted, a lot of that is a production choice to present all the actresses as Fresh Meat. But a fish rots from the head. Kirk’s in charge of the culture on his ship, and the culture is steeped in leering.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Don’t modulate the key then not debate with me!
        Why should a spaceship across the galaxy regulate Jean-Luc’s tea?

        I apologize to all Hamilton fans, I couldn’t resist…

    12. Slartibartfast*

      It’s not even a debate. Picard. Sexier, smarter, just as daring when it’s called for.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I obviously underestimated the Sisko Coalition this week. But seriously! Dude runs out on his pregnant wife to hang with Space Jesuses! Shatters religiously significant cultural artifacts while throwing a temper tantrum! Why are so many people cool with this?!

        1. Casuan*

          I’m cool with this because I was never a Cassidy fan & because Sisko was the Emissary it was within his purview to smash the religiously significant cultural artefacts.

          How do you know this alleged artefact-smashing wasn’t the will of The Prophets… hence okay with the Bajorans?

        2. nonegiven*

          Wasn’t space Jesus. It was aliens that bred him to smash the artifact, etc. Since the aliens exist outside time, they can put him right back after he left.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Bad news is, the other team get a shirts and not us.

        Good news is, those shirts are all red.

        We get flutes, tho.

  12. Nancy*

    Check out Zaktoscani’s coworker lunch stealing story. It’s so funny! You can either google it or read the thread on twitter on his twitter feed (ATzaktoscani). I laughed so much and it made me think of the AAM lunch stealing letters.

    3. JKP*

      People responded to this lunch stealing story with some of their own.

      I thought this was brilliantly played by the victim:
      “Last time, I posted a flyer: “Whoever took my lunch: It contains a high amount of dihydrogen monoxide for medical purposes. If you took it, see HR, no questions asked.” The weasel we figured was the culprit showed up in HR and asked “hypothetically” what might happen to whoever..” leewah (@leewah)

      1. Casuan*

        Dihydrogen Monoxide is positively brilliant because it’s a good example of how simple facts— so simple that one doesn’t even try to do more than. cursory due diligence— can be used for the positive or negative & simple it is to recruit others to the cause.
        It’s so brilliant that I have the link bookmarked…
        I first heard of it several years ago when I read that a town in California banned styrofoam cups because they contain this toxic substance. So I researched it

        http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

    6. LadyKelvin*

      That was a great laugh. Both my husband and I cried laughing so hard at the response of the HR person who had to investigate someone who was sneaking into a coworker’s desk drawer and snapping carrot sticks in half. We died.

  13. Antagonist Relations*

    D&D/RPG

    There was talk in the knowledge share and then in last weekend’s free-for-all about D&D and RPGs so I’ve created a groups.io group (linked in my username) if anyone wants to join and we can use that to talk RPGs and organize games. So for those of you who want to try out D&D or those who want to find an online group, it should let us arrange events, share links and just chat about RPGs.

    If anyone else wants to help manage it, just let me know and I’ll add you as a moderator on the group.

    I’d love to play in more online games (I can run too, but I’m running 4 other games, so I might only want to do one shots).

    1. Antagonist Relations*

      FYI, I’ve set the group so that new members need approval, I’ll be checking often to approve everyone who signs up. There’s also a thread under messages for introductions once you join.

      1. Lilith*

        I requested to join! I’m potentially writing my own campaign for the first time and looking for tips/feedback :)

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      I started some of that, then got completely eaten by Holy Week and Easter. I’ve been to 9 church services in the last 8 days, being part of about half, and hosted Easter dinner. And I work full time. Thank you for picking up the ball that I dropped!

      1. Antagonist Relations*

        No worries, just glad to see the interest in the hobby! Hopefully everyone who replied to your post in the March 25 weekend thread will see this thread too.

        And if your schedule ever gets less busy and you want to help out, I certainly wouldn’t say no to having at least one other moderator of the groups.io page ;)

  14. Nervous Accountant*

    Yall I just had my tooth pulled this week. I’d been having face pain off and on for a month–nothing specifically hurt just had a dull ache. Thought it was headache/tax season stress so just took tylenol for it and it wasn’t happening often so didn’t think of it..

    Any way so it got annoying and I went to my primary for other issues (heart issues which were fine yay) and he said see a dentist who found the culprit and referred me to a oral surgeon. God knows why I thought it would be quick and painless and could go back to work. I was soooo blase about this.

    Uhmmmm well 2 rounds of novocaine later, it sets in that holy shit my tooth is coming out. I was in tears and terrifeid the whole time, like a litlte kid. I did go back to work, wasn’t drowsy or lightheaded. Eating soft foods and following all after-care orders. Bleeding stopped after the first day thank God, and I didn’t feel the stitches after day 3. Still slight swelling and bruising and sore throat, but the worst of the worst is going away. Nice thing was that a lot of coworkers went through hte same so a lot of sympathy and good natured teasing.

    Soooo if I’m keeping tally, Dad died, I had 2 rounds of painful bronchitis and now had my tooth taken out. Still I’m upbeat for the most part, I don’t feel what I felt in February. Historically I’m always more down and stressed that month (even before I became a tax accountant) and the loss exacerbated the feelings of despair. But now I wonder what else 2018 has in store lol

    1. Thursday Next*

      I’ve been really moved by the things you’ve written here about your dad, and I know you feel his loss keenly.

      Getting teeth extracted is NO FUN. I’d spin it and the bronchitis as—you’ve flexed your resilience muscles! You’re working them out to face 2018’s challenges!

      Hang in there!

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Thank you.

        It’s tough, esp w the health stuff bc he was the one person i would confide in.

        My dad was really invested in my health the last decade or so and I was always pushing him away. I felt like—they screwed me up (eating cake and drinking soda at age 1, diabetic by 11 etc) so now let me fight my own battle as an adult. That they had no right to be so vested.

        Now, anything health or driving related I just wish I could run to him and tell him. No one else would get it.

        1. TL -*

          You have Type 1 diabetes, right? That’s not related to diet choices – you probably know this but it’s an autoimmune disorder, not a metabolic one like Type 2.

          (that being said, drinking soda regularly at age 1 isn’t the best, though cake as a treat would be fine.)

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            Funny story, my previous pcp said it was type 1 bc it was uncontrolled for so long that it just progressed in to type 1. I met w an endocrinologist (wrote about her above) and she said it’s type 2 bc When inwas diagnosed at 11 I wasnt put on insulin, and type 1s are. I’m type 2.

            1. TL -*

              I don’t doubt your endo, but the difference between Type 1 and Type 2 isn’t how they’re treated but in what’s halting the normal insulin signalling pathway.

              Type 1 diabetes means your immune system is attacking your insulin-producing cells in the pancreas and thus your body can’t produce enough insulin (why it’s usually sudden onset and needs insulin to treat.) It generally develops earlier in life.

              Type 2 diabetes means your body is no longer responding to insulin; your pancreas makes more and more insulin (and eventually can damage your insulin-producing cells) but your metabolism no longer responds appropriately. It can sometimes be managed through diet, exercise, and non-insulin medications, but it can also require insulin to treat, depending on severity of disease. It usually develops later in life.

              Type 1 doesn’t turn into type 2 from not being properly managed; usually improper management of Type 1 ends up with patient in a diabetic coma. Type 2, likewise, can’t turn into Type 1; improper management usually ends up with kidney damage, neuropathy (lack of feeling), and other chronic symptoms.

              Obviously I don’t know what’s going on with you at all! And there are weird subtypes of diabetes and things like that- I’m not an endrocrinologist and strange things happen with the human body all the time. But just to clarify what is meant with those terms.

    2. Kn*

      I feel you.
      I’ve always had bad teeth and so many months in which I couldn’t eat normally, I can understand how much joy it steals away from every day life. Also, both my parents died already, so I really hope you can handle it better than I did for a long time.
      Since your past months sound really tough, hope you can at least find some small joys… Maybe try to read a good book for even just 20 minutes, take a nice long shower or a walk outside. Some things don’t need to be long to take a bit of your stress away.
      Sending you a hug from across the world! I’m sure it will get better.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I so hear you about the not being able to eat and the joys it brings. First and second day was like that. Right now it still hurts to open my mouth but I’m getting better by the day. Sometimes I think it was karma bc a coworker/friend went through that last year and I bought him baby food lol (all in good fun).

        Thank u for the hugs

    3. Anono-me*

      I hope you feel better soon.

      Salt water rinsed and a bag of frozen peas were helpful to me.

      Please be sure to work with your dentist soon to come up with a plan (flipper, bridge,implant etc.) to keep the neighboring or opposite teeth from shifting.

        1. Anono-me*

          You are welcome.

          Sometimes the only Silver Lining to a mistake, is that by sharing you can help someone else avoid it.

    4. Casuan*

      Nervous Accountant, I’m so sorry about your dad & your own health issues. That you’re mostly upbeat speaks very much to your character & that’s a good thing!!
      I can relate to being unwell & still needing to care for family & I can definitely relate to the dental aspect because on Monday I need to ring a specialist for to have two broken molars extracted. My trigeminal nerve hurts on one side & it makes it difficult to think & I need to be careful of what I eat.

      Thank you for sharing & I hope that you feel better!!
      So far 2018 has not at all been boring!!

    5. Former Employee*

      I’m another in the Bad Teeth Brigade. I have 15+ crowns, though the only teeth I’ve had to have pulled as an adult are my upper wisdom teeth – never had lower ones and upper teeth without opposing lower ones eventually drop and start to fall apart and need to be removed. First one was a nightmare experience with a supposedly super qualified professional – pain and bleeding for days. Second one some years later was the exact opposite – bleeding practically gone by the time I got home and I took one Advil after the Novocaine wore off. Second guy is a treasure.

  15. Bigglesworth*

    Does anyone here have any experience with Section 8 housing or income restricted housing? I moved to a new area last year which has one of the highest costs of living in the US. Hubby and I realized that we’re spending around half of our income on our cheap apartment and weren’t sure if there were other options. We started looking around and our income is usually on the border of an acceptable minimum income for income restricted housing. We need to find a place by July 1st and just aren’t sure of what options are out there for us.

    1. To your point*

      Just to warn you, chances are there is going to be a long waiting list for Section 8. You should certainly still apply, but usually in HCL (and pretty much everywhere) areas, the lists are long.

    2. Natalie*

      Section 8 can be difficult because the waiting lists are long and in most areas, landlords don’t have to accept it. You might also look at Section 42 or local programs. If you google “[city name] housing authority” you might find something.

      If you’re willing to share the city name people might have specific suggestions.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Okie doke. Thanks for the info. I didn’t realize towns and cities had this kind of program.

        We currently live in Northern Virginia. Our commutes are currently to Reston and Arlington and we’re pretty open to living anywhere in along that stretch of NOVA.

        1. Bigglesworth*

          Also, we (my husband and I) are a one income family while I’m a full-time law student. We are desperately trying to live within our means and not borrow student loans beyond tuition, hence the struggle to find affordable housing. My university doesn’t provide much for graduate/professional students and isn’t an option for us.

          1. Bigglesworth*

            Currently we pay $1600 with parking and utilities. It’s really not a bad price for the area, but it’s still more or less around 1/2 of our current income.

            2. Dan*

              That’s what I pay, fwiw, and I think I have one of the better vales in the area. I once looked at stuff that was marginally cheaper, and it really wasn’t worth the sacrifice.

              I get the desire to live within your means, but $40k just doesn’t go that far around here.

              Renting someone’s basement off of Craigslist might be your best bet.

              1. Bigglesworth*

                Ok. That’s what I wondered. I haven’t seen a lot of other places that are cheaper expect for the income-restricted apartments and Section 8 housing – hence the question if there are other options for us.

              2. Overeducated*

                Yeah, that’s about what I pay too. You might be eligible for some restricted income housing depending on if you’re talking gross or net but I’m not sure market rate gets too much lower unless you’re willing to move further west.

                Maybe you’ll be raking in the big bucks 2 years from now though
                …I hope so!

        3. Hobgoblin*

          Oh hey! I posted below about the program I participated in but didn’t realize you were nearby. Check Loudoun’s ADU program thru Family Services. They have both rentals and homes to buy. They’re super helpful and really want people to participate but the purchase program takes at least several months. I’m not sure on the rental program.

    3. WellRed*

      Long wait (years) in my area, lots of landlords don’t take it and the places that do, well between the building issues and the neighbors, I wouldn’t want to live there anyhow. Sorry this isn’t more positive or helpful.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        That’s ok. Thanks for the info. I’m not sure what to expect, so knowing what we might be getting oursleves into is helpful.

    4. Anono-me*

      Section 8 is a huge headache for landlords, so especially in high demand housing areas, there are few volunteers.

      Alternatively you may want to look for a private rental where your landlord will discount the rent for being a great tenant
      If you put the word out everywhere that you are looking for a rental, someone might have a friend or relative that has a garage or basement apartment that they would love to rent out but don’t because of the hassle of finding good tenants. I have three different friends who only rent to people they know or people that are vouched for by mutual friends. And they all rent at less than market to keep the good tenants.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        That’s a good idea! You just made me realize that my husband’s aunt lives in the area and she may know a few people. All of our previous landlords have loved us because we aren’t loud, pay the rent on time, and clean up after ourselves when we move out, so we’ve never been denied after applying to a place so far. His aunt might know someone who would be willing to make some more income.

    5. Overeducated*

      You could look for income restricted housing – I’ve seen ads for spots in my complex and nearby that have a lower rent if you qualify with an income under a certain level, and I think that’s with or without Section 8. The advertised prices are a few hundred lower than my non-restricted unit, which is still a lot cheaper than the DC average. I think we are both in the same state so you might be able to find those too.

      It’s crazy though – we make a bit more than required for the restricted units, but definitely not enough to imagine how we will afford to move with how high market rents are getting. Good luck!

      1. Overeducated*

        Sorry I saw you said you’re on the border. Just look for older buildings with fewer amenities where rents are a lot lower, I guess – my friend who had a dishwasher as a dealbreaker paid a lot more than I did for the luxury. And you might have to just go further from the metro (which is painful I know…I have an hour long commute and 40 min of it is just walking to and from the metro on both sides).

        1. Bigglesworth*

          You guessed right on where I live. :) We’re currently living in the Falls Church area, but are open to living anywhere in the NOVA area. We’ve started applying to income restricted places, but it sounds like the wait lists may not work out for us.

          Also, that commute sounds horrendous. :/ I would love to avoid that, but we might not be able to. We’ve been looking as far out as Manassas for an affordable place. Good luck finding a good place if you move in the future! I don’t know how people live here long term.

          1. Dan*

            Double income with two good salaries…

            I do alright on a single income, and renting a one bedroom apartment in the burbs… With a boat load of student loan debt.

            1. Overeducated*

              I’m not sure either of us posting above have 2 good incomes…in my case we have one income for 3 people….

              1. Bigglesworth*

                Yeah. Single income here for two people. As much as I would like to get a job right now and have a good salary, the ABA restricts how many hours a full-time student can work during a week (20 max) and even then it’s strongly discourage during the first year of school. Going from primary bread winner to negative income has been difficult to say the least. At least my husband has a good job and is generally well-liked at his company.

          2. Overeducated*

            It’s super dependent on where your work is and whether there is parking. I switched jobs 2 weeks ago and went from a 25 minute drive to the hour on public transit (and going home is worse because day care pickup is halfway in between)…my new office is only 2 miles from my old one! Unfortunately I think some rough commutes are unavoidable, because I sure can’t afford to move to Georgetown and have an easy one.

            NOVA is pretty big, I am a 30 min drive from Falls Church, and again an hour on metro…but we’d strongly consider moving there if my husband got a job in that direction. Good luck to you too! It’s tough here!

            1. Bigglesworth*

              Congratulations on the new job! And I see what you’re saying. It’s been interesting moving from the Plains where my morning drive time was 15 minutes or less and now I technically live closer to my school but it takes me twice as long to get there. However, my husband’s commute went from two hours to one hour here and his workplace here is awesome and loves him, so he’s pretty pleased. :)

              As an aside, how do public transportation vs. driving places differ for you cost-wise?

              1. Overeducated*

                Thanks! The commute is the worst part but it’s a career move i needed to make.

                It’s hard to compare costs. My old office was a 7 mile drive and had free parking, so I didn’t really calculate how much I was spending on the commute, whereas with metro you really feel it every day. I think metro woul definitely be more expensive if I took it daily and paid myself. But I try to bike when the weather’s good, which is free except for maintenance, and I’m waiting for a transit subsidy from my employer to kick in as well, which will cover most or all of the rest.

              2. Dan*

                Two things to consider commute wise: depending on where you are, tolls are a factor. The Dulles toll road tolls are scheduled to go up again next January, bringing it to almost $5/each way, if you travel the full length. If you move West to Ashburn, the Greenway is yet another set of tolls. That one is EXPENSIVE.

                I avoid the tolls, so for me, whether or not I have to pay for parking is the line between driving vs metro. It’s one thing if you can avoid a car entirely, but assuming you have to have one anyway (and therefore the car is a sunk cost) the marginal cost of metro is so expensive, it’s cheaper to drive. I also commute off peak, so I don’t end up sitting in traffic. (Plus, off peak, metro schedule sucks, so you waste a lot of time.)

    6. FD*

      This varies heavily area by area. But I work for a company that manages real estate among other things.

      So, here’s a basic intro for my area. From my understanding, other states have other rules, particularly NY and CA. But many of them do it like I’m describing.

      Section 8 (sometimes called Housing Redevelopment Authority or other pseudonyms) is a government program that directly pays the landlord for part of your rent. In some states, it’s illegal for a landlord to refuse to accept Section 8, though this actually happens a lot anyway. The biggest challenges with Section 8 tend to be 1) invariably long wait-lists, often in the range of multiple years and 2) an inspection that is sometimes more strict than the standard rental inspection.

      As an example, the city might approve a particular unit for a general rental. However, if a tenant who is to receive Section 8 wants to move in, there’s an inspection by that program. In principle, it’s meant to ensure that tenants who are receiving assistance aren’t getting stuck in s**tholes. In practice, they often ask the landlord to do additional items beyond what was required in the city rental inspection. If the landlord declines, the assistance won’t be approved for that unit. In my experience, landlords will usually do the requested changes if they’re minor (example, change the cover on a particular outlet, repaint something, etc.), but if there are a lot of changes requested or those changes are expensive, then the landlord may not be willing to do so.

      Alternatively, as a general rule, most markets have some apartments with ‘affordable’ or ‘income-restricted’ units. In general, many states and municipalities offer property tax credits to developers who agree to offer some percentage of their units at a below-market rate for qualifying people. The landlord is responsible for checking the income of the tenants and confirming they are eligible, normally every year at renewal time. As a rule, how many of these units there are in a market depends on state funding. We don’t manage any of those, but I hear that most apartments do have a waitlist on those too.

      Frankly, for a July 1st, in most areas you wouldn’t be able to get into a Section 8 program. You might luck out with an income-restricted apartment complex, but you should start looking now.

      1. Hellanon*

        I’m a landlord in a HCOL area (southern California) and all of this makes excellent sense. If you do go the low income/moderate income route, look for new renovations of existing building or new construction – here, developers do a set-aside in exchange for gimmes on issues like height restrictions or parking. But – and this is a big but – new construction is rarely rent-controlled, and so you have to factor that in. If the city you are in has rent control, it might make more sense to look at a more modest building where your rent increases will be more predictable. Look also at renting a room to a grad student, nursing student, etc – great way to help make expenses.

        (And ps – we don’t take section 8. The requirements are onerous, more than we can cope with as small landlords.)

        1. Bigglesworth*

          Good to read the information from a landlord’s perspective. One of the income restricted apartment buildings we’re looking at recently had renovations done and we’ll keep an eye out for other ones as well.

      2. Bigglesworth*

        Thank you for all of the information! We are spending part of today and tomorrow applying to income-restricted apartments, so hopefully some of them will turn into something. Income-restricted housing really seems to be the way to go. I didn’t realize how many hoops landlords have to go through in order to be considered or accept Section 8 tenants. I can understand why many of them wouldn’t want to in that case.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      We once had the absurdity of a lottery to get on the waiting list for the waiting list for Section 8 and the only time people advanced if somebody died while still on the waiting list. There were discussions about whether children were allowed to inherit their parent’s place on the waiting list. It’s not that bad anymore, but Section 8 is probably not a viable option.

      Income restricted housing often has a lot of lifestyle restrictions as well, which is something to keep in mind if you do qualify. Those restrictions are strictly enforced, too, and they don’t hesitate to evict. Definitely find out before you move in!

      In addition to Section 8 and income restricted housing, your area might have Below Market Rate (BMR) housing, which is for people who are over the limit for income restricted housing, but still below the median income for the area. BMR units tend to be in luxury developments, but your neighbors and the management can be very nasty about you having the nerve to actually live there. BMR units usually aren’t rent controlled, either, so just because you can afford the rent this year, doesn’t mean you’ll be able to afford the increase when the lease is up for renewal.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        BMR is a new term for me. I wonder if my area (Northern Virginia) has any of those. If they’re not paying my rent, then I can deal with people looking down on me. I can see it being a problem with management, though. How does one find BMR residences?

        1. Can't Sit Still*

          It might be a region-specific term. Searching your local housing authority would help you find options, but sometimes cities have city specific names for their housing programs, so you’ll probably need to dig. Cities really prefer to restrict their own housing programs to current residents, for obvious reasons, so it can be hard to find information. BMR units are typically managed directly by the property managers, and they don’t really advertise. BMR rentals usually rent within 24-48 hours, and may have a waiting list. BMR can refer to both rentals and home purchasing programs.

        2. Dan*

          I’ve never heard of that in NoVA. I’ve seen some income restricted stuff, and also stuff for seniors.

    8. Hobgoblin*

      I bought a house under an income restricted program. It was an amazingly good decision and really set me up for financial success. However, it was a long program and would’ve been nearly impossible to get into in 2 months. If you’re in the US, check your area’s family services or social services agencies (the program I used was social services but has moved to family services and not as many people check there so popularity has fallen a bit).

  16. KatieKate*

    For those who’ve stopped wearing makeup… how did you do it? I barely wear anything as it but I do wear a color corrector, brow fill, eyeliner and mascara every day. On the days I’m feeling more gender queer I’d love to switch to less makeup (or none!) but I’m having a rough time moving past the psychology of “putting on a face” as learned from my mother. Help?

    1. Annie Mouse*

      I never really started wearing make up although I do fairly regularly wear concealer to hide the black bags under my eyes.
      If you’re wanting to minimise how much you wear sometimes, could you start by dropping to one or two things that give you the feel that you’re ‘putting on a face’ like moisturiser (plain or tinted) and mascara or concealer or eye liner and then gradually reduce it from there?

    2. Agnodike*

      Is there another ritual you could do that would help you feel ready for the day? I don’t wear makeup, but every morning I do my hair and I don’t feel ready to go out unless I do. Maybe you could find another kind of self-care or beauty routine that would replace makeup in your morning rituals?

      1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        Yeah, I was going to suggest something similar. Maybe giving your face a gentle wash before you go out will help replicate that feeling? I don’t tend to wear makeup that much, but I love putting on some lip balm and lotion just to feel kinda refreshed and ready for the day.

    3. Merci Dee*

      I stopped wearing makeup, at least at work, more from necessity than anything else. I have pretty severe allergies, and there was always =stuff= getting into the admin offices from the production floor. Rubbing and poking at your eyes until they’re bright red and drippy isn’t a good look, so I decided to go without eye makeup one day (which is basically all I wear, besides a little powder), and it helped so much. I just decided to go bare faced at work, and it wasn’t a big deal to expand that for two more days.

      Though I will say that sometimes, if we have non-production Fridays when the plant is closed and only office staff is working, I might wear some color. I don’t have to worry about my allergies on those days, and it’s nice to go a little fancier sometimes.

    4. Ali G*

      You could invest in some really great daily moisturizer (with SPF!!) and/or a daily skin care regimen that you could do instead of the ritual of putting makeup on. Also try it out just around the house to get used to seeing “just your face” before going out (if that’s a worry for you).
      For me I just stopped one day because it was too much hassle and I kept breaking out so it was easier to just not do it anymore.

    5. neverjaunty*

      Could you swap in a skincare routine? Then you’d be “doing your face” without actually putting on makeup.

    6. epi*

      Find something else to do in the mornings, like sitting down with a cup of coffee and a book, that will make makeup feel like a hassle in comparison.

      And treat yourself on skin care. Much of the fun of makeup, and feeling confident about your skin will make it easier to cut back.

    7. fposte*

      Your “barely anything” is a big day for me :-). I almost never wear any makeup–I’m pretty solidly gendered female, but the health stuff means it’s a PITA to mess with, I don’t work in a field where it’s requisite, and I never grew up with “putting on a face.”

      So I think as epi suggests, your challenge is to find another way to toggle the “ready for the world” switch in your brain. If it needs to be appearance-based, can you do a hair, scarf/tie, jewelry thing? It doesn’t have to be anything particularly feminine–you can serum your hair down, put in nice cufflinks, go for a cravat, whatever. That might satisfy the “spend a few minutes in the mirror” need.

      1. KatieKate*

        Those are good ideas-I don’t have a lot of masculine work clothes yet but once I do will up the accessories! Thanks!

      1. Anono-me*

        Sorry the second half of my post went missing.

        You might want to try a plain moisturizer with sunscreen, but without any tint and then just chapstick.

    9. Lily Evans*

      I haven’t stopped wearing makeup completely, but I wear a lot less now than I used to. For me it was a gradual transition from a full face. I started by just using things I already had up and then either not replacing them or replacing them with something more natural. Like instead of doing full liquid eyeliner, I got a softer eyeliner pencil. Foundation became a bb cream. Instead of fully done brows, I used just a brow pencil, then just some wax to hold things in place, now I just keep them well maintained but don’t use any product. I also stopped using super volumising mascara in favor of something promising a softer, more natural look. It’s so hard to go from a full face every day to none at all!

    11. LilySparrow*

      Well, mine wasn’t a presentation choice, but it might work.
      1) Get interested in something that sidetracks you over breakfast.
      2) Realize that if X is the amount of time it takes you to shower, dress, do makeup, and travel to work, you now have <0.5x minutes available.
      3) Arrive makeupless but almost on time and realize nobody notices or cares.

      Repeat as needed until #3 fully sinks in.

      1. KatieKate*

        That #3 is totally true-my boss wears no makeup so I know it won’t be a professional issue. Thanks!

    12. Casuan*

      Thankfully I never got into a lengthy makeup routine.
      I’m Pro whatever helps me to look & feel better & Con anything that will cause me to continually look to ensure that colours stay where they should be & aren’t melting off [my state is quite humid].

      Mascara & lipstick [really lip tint; I prefer Burt’s Bees] are my norm. I’d like to use under-eye concealer although I finally gave up because even with a light touch it never looked natural.

      Most people look better with less makeup, IMHO. And your skin will be better off as well, especially with a decent skin-care routine.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        I recently switched from concealer to color corrector. OMG, huge difference. I can wear it by itself.

        1. Casuan*

          Colour corrector: like green for redder skin?

          If so, I used to do that tho I stopped [probably for no particular reason].
          Thanks for mentioning it!

          re other cosmetics: A year or two ago I stopped using pressed powder & switched to oil-absorbant non-powdered blotters. They’re much more effective & better for the skin. For me they’re less expensive than a good compact would be. At first I was hesitant because I didn’t know how many I’d use tho they last for quite a long time; I’m in a humid area although I’m not outside too much. So far the blotters I like best have charcoal & I think the brand is Sephora.

          1. Slartibartfast*

            Yes, but in my case it’s orange to neutralize wicked genetic dark undereye circles. With concealer I had to spackle it on, which meant liquid foundation to blend in to the concealer, which meant full face because foundation alone looks weird.

    13. Melody Pond*

      Very gradually. I way overdid it in high school, moved to more-normal-but-still-heavy in college, then after college gradually tapered down to a very basic look of light shimmery eyeshadow under the brow and at the inner corner of my eye, plus mascara (as my everyday look). I also had fairly subtle eyeliner tattooed on a couple years out of college (that was worth it – need to get it touched up).

      It helps that my (male) partner of 6 years rather prefers me without makeup most of the time, though understands putting some on for fancy occasions. So for the past 3-4 years, I’ve gone completely bare-faced as my normal everyday.

      The more I didn’t wear makeup, the more I got used to my face and started to decide, “there’s nothing wrong with the face nature gave me.” I care that Mr. Pond finds me attractive, but beyond that, there is zero value to me if the rest of society finds me conventionally attractive. I don’t work in a job where being fashionable and looking super polished/made up is important (at all) – that’s the only other factor that I think could matter to me, besides Mr. Pond’s opinion.

      Plus, go search for your most common makeup items on EWG’s cosmetics database website. There’s a good chance that several of the ingredients in what you’re using, are super toxic for the body. :)

  17. Nervous and anon for this*

    I am representing myself in a lawsuit I filed in small claims court. The other side has a lawyer. They are fighting me like…well, like it’s a federal case. Just slinging so much at me. They’ve probably spent way more than I would have accepted as a settlement. They offered a laughable amount, then refused to negotiate further when I made a counter offer.

    I have yet another hearing coming up and I’m nervous. The other side is digging their heels in even though they’re wrong (well, of course *I* would say that). But I am literally the injured party.

    This is dragging out and I just want it to end. But I know I would be upset if I abandoned this because of the pressure. I’m bad at tolerating stress and uncertainty. My stomach hurts all the time now and my heart is racing. Any words of wisdom, comfort, or encouragement would be appreciated.

    1. Dopameanie*

      So…some of what you are feeling is misplaced adrenaline. I’ve always had luck giving that adrenaline something to do. I have ducked into a restroom to do 20 jumping jacks, I have dropped my things at the front door and done a wind sprint.
      Your body is trying to help. Sometimes bodies help like four year olds trying to help make cookies. Give your body a job maybe?

      1. fposte*

        Sports psychology does a lot of interesting stuff about this, since pregame jitters and butterflies are a really natural and common part of competing. One approach is thinking of getting the butterflies to “fly in formation” and to psych yourself up rather than calm yourself down. Damn right you’re wired–you were done an injustice, and now it’s time to see your wrong righted.

        Paralympian Menna Fitzpatrick has a threefold approach–getting the butterflies to go in the right direction, the mantra of TCUP (Thinking Calmly Under Pressure), and yoga breathing. I also think just having a plan for where to send your mind when you’re aware of stress is really useful. While you may not be an internationally ranked athlete, physical activity, if only going for a walk or cleaning the house, can help convert that flight or fight energy into something more on the satisfying fight side.

        1. Nervous and Anon*

          400-level redirection! I will try my best. It seems like a practice well worth cultivating.

    2. Kathenus*

      You’re standing up for yourself and fighting the good fight. Regardless of the outcome, but hoping you prevail, you’ll be happy looking back that you stuck with it. Set small goals for yourself and reward yourself for keeping at it. Good luck!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Okay so both parties have tried to settle the matter out of court.
      Now a judge must decide.
      This has given you a good idea of what their main talking points will be in front of the judge.

      Use the extra energy to make sure you have each of their known points covered with appropriate documentation- paperwork and/or pictures. Some instances you may just need an explanation.

      The judge will give you a turn to speak. If their attorney talks over you while you are speaking the judge should remind him to remain quiet. If she does not, ask her if you can speak without interruption.

      Remember that cases drag out for more than one reason. Reasons include allowing time for the parties to find their own solution or perhaps agree on a mediator. Another reason is for a cooling down period so each side can think about their important talking points in preparation to see the judge.

      Do take some Pepto or something for your tummy. Maybe it is all emotional, but eventually the emotional becomes physical. Coat your stomach with something protective. It’s amazing how NOT having a stomach ache can help with the nervousness. When my heart ramps up I like to take some vitamin E and sometimes some vitamin B. I can reduce that symptom and gain more ground.

      Practice what you will say in front of the mirror. The attorney does this all the time and he can just prattle on about stuff almost with out thinking. Practicing in front of the mirror will help you get used to your own voice explaining things and will help you to be sharper in your explanations.

      Bring a pen and writing tablet. As their attorney is speaking, you won’t be able to interrupt. Write down the things you want to respond to as you listen.

      Put tissues in your pocket when you go to court. Many folks cry in court. If you have a tissue you can discreetly dab at your face if you need to.

      They got an attorney because they think you have a serious chance of winning. They want the attorney to find them that “easy out”. You have no way of knowing but the attorney may be telling them that you will win in front of the judge.

      1. Nervous and Anon*

        Thanks, Not So New. I appreciate the practical advice, as well as the reminder that I don’t know what the lawyer is saying to their client.

    4. Casuan*

      Be proud of what you’ve already accomplished, Nervous & Anon. And take the replies here to heart & know that we’re pulling for you!!

    5. Former Employee*

      Small claims court is traditionally a place for “the little guy”.

      By being represented by an attorney, the other side may be making a strategic error, which can work in your favor.

      Just be sure to have all your facts in order and present them in logical sequence to make it easy for the judge to follow. Plus, have any pictures, medical reports/bills, estimates, etc., ready to hand to the bailiff/court officer.

      If I were in this position, I would try to think of it as a school project where you do the research on a topic and then present the results to the class.

      Best of luck to you.

      1. Irene Adler*

        Yes- the judge will probably be harder on the attorney than on you. The fact that they’ve spent more than what you were asking for won’t be lost on the judge either. Might even make the judge look poorly on them.
        I noticed the judge had a sense regarding who was honest and who were not to be believed. In one case, he believed the tenant who claimed she had paid the rent every month-even though she could only produce a couple of receipts. The landlord was instructed to look to his property manager for the missing rent money. The tenant was visibly relieved that she was believed.

        I’ve been to small claims court. Had to watch a whole slew of cases that were called before mine. The judge appreciated those who presented as Former Employee suggests. He was very quick to shut down anyone who got out of order. He expected more from the attorney who showed up.

        Good luck!

        1. Nervous and Anon*

          Thanks for the perspective, Irene. Honestly, this is such an alien experience for me that I have no idea how the judge will see all this.

      2. Dan*

        Am I the only surprised to see a lawyer in small claims court? In the jurisdiction I was in, lawyers weren’t allowed in.

  18. Mike Logan's interchangeable female partner on L&O CI*

    I am totally excited to go to London in a few weeks for a live recording of the West Wing Weekly podcast because they have only gone and announced that Richard Schiff will be a guest!

    3. fposte*

      Wow, those were hard tickets to get–congratulations! That should be awesome. Hope Richard is well-miked :-).

    4. LemonLyman*

      They always get great guests for the live episodes, don’t they? That sounds like so much fun! I’ll be listening when they release the pod episode!

    5. all aboard the anon train*

      I’m going to the Boston show and I’m so excited. The recordings of their live events always sound like so much fun.

      1. LemonLyman*

        Right?! Like when they brought the big block of cheese and Josh tried to get everyone to eat it! :)

  19. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone use an inversion table for back pain? I’d like to look into that for pain relief. A friend of mine has one and the said it’s been a real life saver for her. She’s in another state so I can’t just go and try it out, unfortunately.

    I went to the orthopedic this week and decided against fusion for now. If my pain level was preventing me from doing alot of things or was higher than a 5 on a consistent basis then I would go for it, but I’d like to try a couple other things first.

    1. Nic*

      I have one. I got it for about 150$ from amazon. It was easy to put together for me alone; I’m reasonably fit and able other than back pain.

      I found that I had to work up to full inversion (mine came with a strap that allows you to easily adjust this), and to longer periods of time. I looked up some exercises that help stretch things out when done while inverted. They were things like situps and twists.

    2. Former Librarian*

      I bought one for my husband several years ago for Christmas at his request. I ordered it from Walmart and he uses it about 5 times a week. He was having back issues and seeing a chiropractor. He hasn’t been since he got the table.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Did we talk about a TENS unit before? I can’t remember. I am sitting here with mine now. I had a lovely go-around this past week where I left work because of my back. Me and the TENS unit having been doing life together for the last few days. It’s been a tremendous help. Other times it does not help, so YMMV.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve found it helped after the physical therapy sessions I had a few months ago, but I really need something to decompress and take the disc pressure off the nerve. Glad it’s helping you, though!

        I do love the heated seat in my car, and I find that can help sometimes. Even when it’s too warm to use the heat in the car, I still fry my rear end with the seat. Especially after working out.

  20. Perpetua*

    Recommendations for a first time visit to New York, please!

    I’m finally crossing it off my bucket list in less than a month (we’ll be there for 12 days, end of April/beginning of May), and I’m really excited. The boyfriend’s already been there a couple of times, so he’s familiar with most of the “must see” things, so I’m looking more for personal recommendations and things I might not find online on a list of Top 10 NY Things to Do.

    What did you enjoy in NY that you wouldn’t have stumbled upon without a recommendation or if it wasn’t for pure chance?

    Thank you!

    1. Elkay*

      I preferred Top of the Rock to the Empire State but I know some people who feel the other way round! I really loved the Skyline, a park built on the old elevated railway lines. If it’s nice weather go there for some downtime.

      2. BRR*

        I also preferred top of the rock over Empire State. The tour of Rockefeller center was really cool as well.

        I enjoyed the tour of the United Nations and it wasn’t that expensive.

    2. Engineering consultant*

      The High Line
      Gulliver’s Gate (paid exhibit but very cool if you’re into miniatures and interactive stuff)
      The view of Manhattan from Brooklyn end of Brooklyn Bridge (I knew it existed from photos and stuff, but we didn’t know how to find it until a local Williamsburg shopkeeper told us)
      Samurai Mama for Japanese in Brooklyn
      Koreatown in mid-town Manhattan – it’s about a block and a half long but there are plenty of Korean food options and a couple of Korean beauty shops to browse, plus quite a few Korean-style bakeries/cafes
      Cha An in Manhattan – fancy Japanese tea and desserts. So pricey yet so beautiful and delicious

      1. Perpetua*

        We’ll be staying in Williamsburg, so the Brooklyn recs are much appreciated as well, thanks!

        1. Reba*

          Walk along the Brooklyn Promenade. It’s in a cool old neighborhood (Brooklyn Heights) and gives you the true ‘postcard’ view of Manhattan. I’m sure some of it is blocked by new buildings by now, but that’s my rec!

          We used to love a restaurant called Noodle Pudding very near there.

        2. Music*

          In Williamsburg, try to eat at Lillia at least once. If the weather is nice walk across the Williamsburg bridge to the LES — you get a sense of the scale of the city that way. Wander up from Williamsburg to Greenpoint (Franklin avenue especially) if you’d like some cozy bars. If you’re beer people, yes, do Brooklyn Brewery, but also Torst and Threes, which are nearby.

          Seconding the Brooklyn Promenade, though it’s difficult to get to. Spend an afternoon in prospect park, but also nearby green-wood cemetery.

          You’re going to walk, a lot.

    3. Annie Mouse*

      Definitely the High Line on the old railway line. When we went back the second time, we did that and also went to find a little stone bridge in Central Park, think it might possibly be Gapstow bridge. Both lovely places to visit.

    4. PM-NYC*

      What kinds of stuff do you like to do- museums, parks, shows, etc? Types of restaurants you like?

      1. Perpetua*

        As for museums, my current plan is to go to MoMA and maybe the Met. I’m an art therapist in training, and I love colorful stuff, so I’d love to visit a quirky gallery or something like that. I like musicals and I was thinking of trying the Broadway Roulette or getting tickets via TKTS.

        Types of restaurants – casual, street food, brunches, things like that. I’d love to visit a rooftop bar (or two)!

        1. Kj*

          Fist bump! I’m an art therapist! I went to NY for the first time about a year ago. The Met was nice, but it felt a bit disorganized and the collection highlights were not highlighted well. They have some amazing pieces, but they are not well marked so you have to come accross them by chance. Honestly, the Boston MFA was a better museum, but the Met is so iconic I can’t recommend against going.

            1. Kj*

              No, I wasn’t there long enough sadly. I was starting my private practice then, so we were doing brief vacations and were mostly in NYC for a wedding.

        2. Stars*

          I would suggest considering checking out the Whitney Museum. It’s actually near the Highline. The whole area is actually pretty nice.
          The Met is near the Park, but otherwise, I find the area rather boring and residential. Also harder to find food.
          Moma is ok, if you check out what is on exhibit at the current time.

        3. Lore*

          If you get museum fatigue, check out the Cloisters or Met Breuer instead of (or in addition to–the $25 ticket includes all 3 for I think 3 days). I’ve heard great things about the Bowie exhibit at brooklyn museum too but it ls selling out so I’d get tix in advance. (Also it’s oddly difficult to get there from Williamsburg.)

          Ride the ferry! It’s currently subsidized to the same price as subway. Beautiful ride to greenpoint, Long Island city, or especially brooklyn bridge park.

            1. Lore*

              I live between the G and the museum. I’d say it’s more like a 30-minute walk from any of the adjacent G stops (Fulton St, Clinton-Washington, or 7 Ave), plus a 30-50 minute train ride depending on how well the L and the G are behaving on any given day!

              1. Music*

                It’s a mile walk from Clinton-Washington to the museum. Ok, maybe closer to 15 minutes than 10, but I’m not sure where you’re getting 30 from?

                Lorimer to Clinton Washington is 8 minutes. Five stops. I know the G has an undeserved bad rep, but come on, 50?

                1. Coywolf*

                  I’m just going to jump in here to say that a 10 to 15 minute mile can be done running by most people, not walking haha. When I was younger and fitter and walked everywhere i could speed walk a 15 minute mile but only when I was desperately late. Leisurely I can take 25 minutes walking a mile, my mom would probably take longer. So it depends.

      2. Perpetua*

        As for museums, my current plan is to go to MoMA and maybe the Met. I’m an art therapist in training, and I love colorful stuff, so I’d love to visit a quirky gallery or something like that. I like musicals and I was thinking of trying the Broadway Roulette or getting tickets via TKTS.

        Types of restaurants – casual, street food, brunches, things like that. I’d love to visit a rooftop bar (or two)!

        Thanks for asking, I should’ve included some more of this information in my original post. :)

        1. Grad Student*

          Somewhere on the west side of Manhattan is [at least] one block with a whole bunch of private art galleries that you can just wander in and out of for free if you come when they’re open! I forget where, but I’m sure you’ll find them if you google map art galleries and find where there are several close together.

        2. PM-NYC*

          Cool, so a couple thoughts- there’s an ongoing experimental art exhibit called dream house in Manhattan (http://www.melafoundation.org) I haven’t been but depending on the type of art you like it might be up your alley.

          Since you’re staying in Williamsburg, the Bushwick neighborhood in Brooklyn (a couple stops further into Brooklyn off the L train) has a lot of small galleries geared to a younger crowd. There’s also a ton of good restaurants, cafes, & bars in that area. And if you like graffiti art there’s a lot there & in particular one street that is famously covered in really cool street art.

          There’s a really tiny museum of everyday NYC ephemera from years past called the City Reliquary (http://www.cityreliquary.org) that’s in Williamsburg and is adorable if that’s your type of thing.

          There are good restaurants in Williamsburg but the nightlife vibe is very crowded & (imo) can be oppressively hipsterish. I’ve had good meals at Dim Sum Bar and also at Salt + Charcoal in that neighborhood. Have also had really good brunch at The Brooklyn Star (this was after not being willing to wait 2 hours for brunch at Okonomi, which is supposed to do an awesome Japanese style brunch, although I’ve never successfully been.)

            1. Perpetua*

              Thank you, those are great recommendations, I was hoping for some colorful street art as well!

        3. Olive Hornby*

          Since you’re staying in Brooklyn, I’d highly recommend the TKTS booth at Metrotech—reasonably close to the G, and the lines are much shorter for the same tickets.

            1. Olive Hornby*

              Depends on where she’s staying–if she’s anywhere near the G (or if she’s taking cabs), she’ll be just as close if not closer. (I live in downtown Brooklyn.)

    5. Max Kitty*

      If you like design, we really enjoyed the Cooper-Hewitt Museum (it’s the Smithsonian Design Museum)
      Also the Frick Collection (traditional art, but displayed in Frick’s Gilded Age mansion)
      The Intrepid Air, Sea & Space Museum — an aircraft carrier moored in the Hudson River (so big that they built a building on the deck and put a space shuttle in it)
      Lower East Side Tenement Museum-tells the story of NYC’s immigrant population

      If you are a member of a local art or science museum in the U.S., see if your membership includes the reciprocal admission program. We got into the Cooper-Hewitt and Frick (and the Met) based on our art museum membership and the Intrepid based on our science museum membership.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, I second the recs for some of the lesser known museums — Drawing Center, Asia Society, Jewish Museum, Moma PS1 and the Whitney (well that’s not lesser known but anyway). In Queens, Museum of the Moving Image in Queens and the Noguchi Museum.

    6. deesse877*

      From Williamsburg you can walk into Manhattan over the Williamsburg Bridge, which is cool on a nice day, and the spot where you arrive is very near both Chinatown and Little Italy. The latter is more a theme park than a living immigrant neighborhood, but the pastry is still legit.

    7. Combinatorialist*

      We really loved the Cloisters — its an extension of the Met for medieval art in a relocated cloisters and it was really cool. We also have always done well getting tickets at TKTS but you do have to wait in the line.

    8. Lizabeth*

      Visit St. John the Divine cathedral on the west side. Beautiful place and there’s a really good coffee/pastry shop across the street – Hungarian Pastry shop.

      Walking around the West Village.

    9. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I second the Brooklyn Bridge Promenade/Brooklyn Bridge Park, Met/Cloisters, and exploring Williamsburg suggestions. If you’re staying in Brooklyn and coming a little later in spring, the Brooklyn Botanic Garden is one of the best botanical gardens. I also happen to love Coney Island; its a little gritty but there’s just a certain energy to being there by the water on a spectacular day. If you’re into museums and rock music, you should get tickets to see the David Bowie Is exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum. It was probably the most amazing museum exhibit I’ve ever seen.

      Invariably, someone is going to suggest going to Katz’s Deli. Whatever you do when you’receive in NYC, do not do this. It was like eating in a prison cafeteria.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Sorry for the typo, not sure where “you’rereceive” came from. Silly phone. One more suggestion. Take the Staten Island Ferry from Manhattan to Staten Island during the morning rush hour (i.e. reverse commuting). It’s almost totally empty going in that direction and it will be so much better than doing it midday or afternoon rush hour.

      2. PM-NYC*

        Re: Katz’s deli- I’m not so firmly anti, but it is very crowded and expensive. The food is really good. But if you’re in that neighborhood and want great Jewish deli food, go to Russ & Daughters. It’s been around for over 100 years and has great bagels, smoked salmon, chopped liver, latkes, chocolate babka, black and white cookies, etc., etc. It’s tiny, can have a long line and is carryout only, but if you go midday and find a nice place outside to eat on a sunny day it’s great. They also have a separate sit down cafe nearby but I haven’t been to that, it looks a bit more upscale than the deli.

    10. Lcsa99*

      Brooklyn bridge park is beautiful. If you go, definitely check out the Brooklyn Ice Cream factory. It’s also nice to walk across the bridge, but don’t do it in the afternoon or the crowds and bikes can be a bit much.

      Add my vote to the Cloisters. Can’t tell you how much I love it.

    11. Menacia*

      I am from NY and used to work in Manhattan so I always look to something different. I really enjoyed the International School of Photography, they have a wonderful museum that has interesting exhibits, I’ve been twice (I live in CT now) because I liked it so much. I also enjoy walking around the Village and Washington Square Park to just people-watch.

      Hope you have a great trip!

    12. Natalie*

      This might be a bit of an oddball (I’m a nerd for black history so I loved it): African Burial Ground National Monument. It’s a teeny tiny national park in lower Manhattan, maybe a quarter block square, but it’s a beautiful and interestinf memorial. (There’s also a small attached museum that I believe is free and explains the history of the burial ground and it’s discovery.)

    13. Rookie Manager*

      One of my favourite things in New York was the gospel brunch at BB Kings on a Sunday morning with the Harlem Gospel Choir. Food was great, music was awesome… When I get back to NY that will be no 1 for repeat activities.

    14. HRH The Duke of Coriander and Gomasio*

      Loved Broadway, The Cloisters, Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum, walking around The High Line,

    15. LilySparrow*

      Ft Tryon Park & the Cloisters museum are lovely in the spring. The Cloisters houses the medieval wing of the Met, but it’s all the way up at 190th Street.
      I used to live up there, and it’s so quiet by comparison to Midtown, it’s like coming up from the subway into another world.

    16. It happens*

      Rooftop bar in Williamsburg – william vale hotel. Go for sunset on a weeknight. Crazy crowded with tourists but best view of manhattan and sunset. Wythe/N11. Also excellent Italian restaurant, Leuca, on ground floor. Lilia is a few blocks away but you need a reservation. Weeks ahead. Also no lunch at Lilia:(. Lunch in general a much better deal and no res necessary most places.
      A good Chelsea day would be the Highline, galleries, Chelsea Market to Eat and maybe the Whitney.
      Midtown would be MoMA, Sixth ave food truck and TKTS.
      Greenpoint: drink coffee and shop vintage then take the ferry to LIC or Brooklyn Bridge. Also dinner at Anella on Franklin, breakfast/lunch at Le Gamin on Franklin. Also Norman on Norman.
      Take the tram from 2nd Avenue to Roosevelt Island to walk around and see the Four Freedoms monument. Really, just go take the tram.
      Essentially, you can’t see it all and there are no wrong choices.
      Enjoy

      1. Music*

        The secret to lilia is you can walk in any weeknight right after they open and get a seat at the bar immediately. (But don’t tell anyone.)

    17. JamieS*

      I don’t really have a specific recommendation, although if you like comedy/improv I enjoyed Upright Citizens Brigade shows, but when I visited I just Googled free/cheap things to do. For example, “free museums in NYC”, “free events in Greenwich Village”, “free outdoor movie nights”, etc. Wound up finding a few websites that had things to do that were either totally free or very cheap and it felt a bit less touristy since it mostly took me away from tourist hubs which was nice for me.

    18. Perpetua*

      Thanks, everyone, you’ve been of great help! I’ll let you know what we did and how it went! :)

    19. only acting normal*

      Burger Joint (behind a curtain in the foyer of Le Parker Meridian 119 West 56th Street).

      Grimaldi’s Pizza (near the base of Brooklyn Bridge, Brooklyn side).

      Eating is not *all* we did on our NY honeymoon I swear, but my husband does love his food! :D

      1. Lcsa99*

        Grimaldi’s is decent if you have hours to wait for a slice, but I would recommend Ignacio’s in the same area instead. Solid pizza, closer to the bridge so a better view and you can actually take your time to enjoy it. It is cash only though.

        1. only acting normal*

          Weirdly we hardly had to wait at all at Grimaldi’s. Just lucky timing. (It was winter and FREEZING so there was no flipping way we were queuing for hours on the street).

    20. NacSacJack*

      First off, you’ll never see everything. I’ve tried twice now and still have more to see on my “Must See” list. That said, here are my recent experiences and recommendations (Wont give you my “still to see” since I dont know how good they are…yet).

      – Skip the National Museum of Mathematics (spent $17 per person for kid stuff)
      – Try and get to the 4 World Trade Center subway station – it is beautiful from the inside, looks like an alien ship from the outside
      – Go to the View on the World restaurant at dusk or after for drinks and appetizers – the pools and Freedom tower lit up at night are gorgeous. It’s located in the CQ World Trade Center hotel on 140 Washington, a couple blocks from the Rector St Station
      – Dont bother with the Tick Tock diner next to Madison Square Garden for breakfast, instead go to George’s on Rector St
      – Trinity Church graveyard – Alexander Hamilton and Robert Fulton are buried there.
      – Skyline, Friends apt, and Washington Square Arch

  21. MommaCat*

    I’m rather excited, I have an actual spring break (er, 1 week break between jobs, that is). What should I do to relax?

    1. Kn*

      How about starting with meditation or yoga if you haven’t already? I always thought it would be silly, but thanks to Yoga with Adriene on YouTube I’ve had some great experiences :)

    2. Parenthetically*

      Oh man, go do things you normally can’t do in the middle of the day on a Tuesday! Like go to a cafe in the middle of the day and bring a book and sit in the sun and sip coffee really slowly and flick through magazines or something. That kind of stuff is my favorite.

    4. Future Analyst*

      Movie in the middle of the day on a Tuesday! It’s empty, you have the place to yourself, and it feels unspeakably luxurious. :)

    5. MommaCat*

      Thank you all for the ideas! I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, and in between doing a bunch of laundry, I’m sitting around watching the tv shows my husband doesn’t like. I may also try some meditation!

  22. Cafe au Lait*

    I’m on my way to my Grandfather’s funeral. It hasn’t sunk in yet that he’s gone. I am crabby and easily angered by simple things today. My panty hose riping this morning earned a loud “FUCK.” I’d like to howl at the world right now.

    1. Agnodike*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Come home from the funeral and have a lengthy howl if that’s what it takes.

    2. Jules the First*

      I hear you. It will get better, promise. If it was sudden, be prepared for this feeling to come back unexpectedly at weird moments.

      In the meantime, go ahead and howl. Now is the time that everyone will forgive you for doing it.

    4. Emilie*

      You tell those pantyhose who’s boss! And then howl as much or as little as you need to. I’m sorry that I can’t say anything, that’ll make this whole thing suck less.

    6. Anon-profit*

      I’m so very sorry. I was there exactly one year ago – my grandpa died early on Good Friday last year. It was not sudden but it was horrible. That Easter was the most surreal holiday I have ever experienced, knowing that we would be at the funeral home the next day. Please be kind to yourself; wishing for peace for you and your family.

    7. StudentA*

      I’m so sorry, Cafe au Lait. Please be kind to yourself. When my gramps died, I howled in my bedroom for hours. It’s ok to be crabby.

    8. Rogue*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m going through the first round of holidays without my grandma, and it’s tough. ☹️

    11. King Friday XIII*

      I’m so sorry. It’s been two years since I lost my grandmother and it’s still hard sometimes. Please be kind to yourself.

    14. I can barely hit submit*

      My dad will be gone soon. I howled at the garage door the other day, I’m grateful it was just a door. Good luck and peace to you and your family.

  23. Juli G.*

    I’m struggling a lot with little disappointments that are affecting me way more than they should.

    My long planned vacation was punctuated with a somewhat expected family member death at the beginning and a devastating death of a friend at the end. And the vacation had a theft and a lost item during it.
    Husband blew off my birthday
    Husband ruined my surprise for him and the kids on Valentine’s Day (I truly wasn’t expecting anything in exchange and his reaction was going to be my gift)
    That thing we can’t talk about… my manager and my mentor both had the same last day, bonus was bad even though my review was great, a promotion opportunity disappeared for completely understandable reasons
    Terrible threes are in full swing and add an extra element to everything
    Anniversary long weekend was a bust because husband got sick

    I planned some of this stuff to boost me up from other disappointments (like the long weekend) but than THAT becomes a disappointment. It’s just such a bummer.

    At least I don’t have cancer and an eating disorder?

    1. Thursday Next*

      And you still have a sense of humor. :=)

      Disappointments snowball into an increasingly bigger sense of frustration and loss. Are there any pick-me-ups you can plan to do with friends or on your own? Something to look forward to that’s not pegged to your family might be good.

      Jedi hugs if you want them.

      1. Juli G.*

        Thanks! I do have a fun night with friends coming in a month that we’ve been planning for awhile. I have to say, in the back of my mind, I worry it will end up screwy too but I’m trying to stay positive.

    2. Kn*

      How about you try to set a small portion of time aside just for yourself? (if you haven’t already)
      Sometimes even 15 minutes with relaxing music and a journal to write in can really help to overcome disappointments like that. If you want to read something, I can also recommend “Feeling good” by David Burns (it’s not only for depression).

    3. Sapphire*

      I’m really sorry things have been shitty for you! That’s really awful.

      It must be going around, because that’s happening to me too. Partner lost their job in November, I got fired in February, didn’t get a job I really wanted, and as a cherry on top, partner’s bike got stolen from our apartment’s storage area. You and I both sound like we’re overdue for a not shitty thing to happen.

    4. Ermintrude Mulholland*

      Some of those things Do sound hard and upsetting though. Having your life partner ditch your birthday sucks, having to only expect someone’s reaction as a gift is really sweet but also kind of makes me feel sad for you. Don’t talk down your feelings, it’s ok to be upset and bummed out by those things.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry.

      You know what I do when it rains in my life like this? I take a nap. Seriously. It’s about all that is left. And these things are all an energy drain so napping actually make sense in that way.

      I hope things get better soon.

    6. King Friday XIII*

      It sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional work. Those sorts of things add up even if they don’t look like much individually. I’m glad to hear you’ve got something coming up next month, but it sounds like you might benefit from a break sooner than that. Can you talk to your husband about what you’re feeling? I wonder if some acknowledgement and extra support from him would help ease the disappointments he’s responsible for and make you feel like he’s got your back in this.

    7. valentine*

      This is like a forced reset. Can you look at it as spring rebirth forecasting marital peace talks?

  24. ThatGirl*

    People can really suck.

    We went to a concert in Chicago last night. We’re in the burbs so it’s a bit of an ordeal but we got there, found parking, had dinner, found a decent spot to stand in. The opener was good. The band was great, but with about 4 songs to go, people started straight up moshing. We were getting slammed into, my husband is a bit claustrophobic and also got glitterbombed, and we just had to flee. It was obnoxious and disappointing. Would not have expected a Wolf Alice show to include moshing. Glad we went but mad at the jerks.

    Oh, once we got out the venue staff was great, I should say, they saw we were shaken up and gave us water and a place to sit. So that was nice.

    1. ThatGirl*

      I should mention my husband had been looking forward to it for months after we successfully navigated a smaller concert in November, and this was his favorite band, so he’s kinda beating himself up today.

    2. Emilie*

      I had to look up the band. And I do not understand why this sort of concert would attract people who’d start a moshpit? Do people mosh to Arctic Monkeys as well?!
      I’ve been to a handful of metal concerts where moshing was an advertised thing, and people were so nice and took great care of each other (some huge guy knocked my friend over, and then picked him up, lifted him up in to the air while shaking him and yelling “Are you okay! I’m so sorry!”). So… Yeah… I’m baffled.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, I mean I can understand dancing in place and some jumping but these two a-holes just started slamming into people, moving through the front of the crowd. It was super frustrating and I even missed the song we struggled through because I was so distracted.

        And yeah, really not the kind of band I’d expect that from. Sigh.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I swear, so many people at concerts suck. If you do general admission, wait for many hours in line to get up front, and ARE lucky enough to get up front, you get the people who showed up two minutes earlier and manage to push their way up to the front. Or if you have seats up front (seems to only happen up front for some reason), you get the people who get completely trashed and spend the whole time fighting with their significant other, or they’re constantly squeezing through the row, back and forth, so they can get their 10.00 beer, then food, then more beer, then the bathroom, then more beer, then more food, etc. In my mind I’m thinking, “why did you bother spending the money on upfront floor seats when you’re spending more than half the show walking back and forth?” Or in your case, people just get totally out of control.

      So sorry that happened and ruined the show for you guys.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Thanks. Yeah, it was gen admission standing, we waited in line half an hour, stood around an hour plus waiting for the show to start, opening act, set change, argued with a guy who tried to steal a spot, and it was worth it… right up to the slam dancing.

    4. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Sorry to hear that. Yeah people can be idiots at concerts. Last one I went to some guy who had already had too many beers before the show started tripped and dumped his beer on my head as he was sitting down in the seat behind me. Great way to start the evening. Did I mention I hate the smell of beer? Fortunately I just laughed it off rather than make an issue of it as he was already too drunk to be reasonable.

      Sadly that wasn’t my first bad experience at a concert but it was my last one. Haven’t gone to one since.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, how disappointing. I’m sorry that happened. :(

      I’ve only been to one arena concert (Rod Stewart, the Young Turks show–yes I’m old) and we were in the balcony, so no moshing or anything. The rest of the concerts I’ve attended were really small venues (local bands; Men at Work at a downtown bar here) or symphony orchestras and fans were pretty well-behaved. I have no desire to do the arena thing anymore. Besides, I can’t afford tickets.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Thanks. Just a bummer.

        Yeah, I feel like arena tours might be better since moshing would be very localized and there are seats… this was a smallish club venue. Inexpensive and crowded. If we did ever go again I’d try to get right up front in the balcony.

    6. only acting normal*

      I once sent a drunken mosher *flying* with a well-timed shoulder shove. 8-|
      He got up and started looking for a person to fight but overlooked the 5’2” 100lb woman with the shoked-guilty expression. Luckily his mates calmed him down quickly, and he cooled the moshing down too.
      In his defence it was Green Day, in mine it wasn’t the best place for a mosh pit.
      Next time I’m getting seats. I’m too small and old (and apparently too strong) for standing.

      Sorry you night ended on a bum note.

    7. Mosher*

      I get the urge to mosh. But at a show where it wouldn’t necessarily happen, there has to be a compromise. They should have Mosh and No Mosh zones in the GA area, or something like that.

      I’m sorry to hear that happened. People should be nicer.

  25. grace*

    Have you been to Charleston? I’m going in May and while I’ve been it was as a teenager with my parents… so I’d love suggestions of what to do (or not do)!

    2. fposte*

      Charleston is awesome. What do you like to do? I really enjoyed Fort Sumter (the ferry out is cool in its own right, since you often see dolphins), and I also thought the Charleston Museum was really cool not just for its contents but for its historiography–it’s really been conscious about examining and updating its approaches to history. I liked walking around the Battery and other areas of town–it’s pretty walkable.

      It’s also a foodie’s paradise–there are a multitude of amazing restaurants. The big name ones, like Husk, get full fast, but there are plenty of other great places that you can probably get into on the spur of the moment.

      1. grace*

        I’m a history nerd and my boyfriend is a foodie – so Sumter and tons of food is on the list! I’ve agreed to one really nice restaurant for him to pick out; did you go to husk or somewhere else that you really enjoyed?

        And I’ll add the museum to the list! I was thinking a walking tour downtown might be fun especially if there’s food involved but I have to research a bit to find a good one.

        1. fposte*

          It’s been a few years, so I’m not sure what’s top of the list now, but I went to Magnolias and loved it. (Also, Kilwin’s was an awesome ice cream parlor.)

          A walking tour sounds like a great idea. I was visiting a local friend so she provided the guiding on what was pretty much a private walking grou.

        2. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          I loved the Aiken-Rhett house- The was a lot of historiography there, not just a straight up recreated rich planters mansion. My friend and I also did a beer walking tour where we stopped at a few cool historic pubs, and our guide was great at telling us the history of the city as well. Can’t remember the name of the tour company though :/

    4. Loopy*

      I live in Charleston! I adore the historic house tours (but beware, one is just a weird collection of some rich person’s eclectic stuff- totally bizarre but not historical!), there are several good ones downtown and it’s a nice thing to combine with a dinner downtown since they are short and nearby! Most are along the battery which is also a lovely place to walk along and near rainbow row. The Marketplace is also fun to walk through and is within walking distance. You could make a nice afternoon and evening out of it!!

    5. LilySparrow*

      Ghost Walk!
      We went to Charleston on our honeymoon and did a bunch of touristy stuff, and the ghost Walk was hands-down the best.

      You get a lot of local history, along with some great storytelling.

    6. I Love Thrawn*

      I went two years ago, April. Loved it – our big event was the mule drawn carriage ride. The tour director/driver was very funny and knew his history. Lots of people there. I hate to mention this but be wary of bed bugs. It’s a very well traveled city, lots of people coming and going, so check your hotel room carefully. Be prepared for humidity, too. We could feel it in April, so May will be worse. Also, parking is all but impossible in the touristy parts. You will be doing mucho walking. I have no doubt you will have a great time, so don’t let this info bits scare you!

    7. Casuan*

      Love Charlston!!

      Try to take a tour as soon as you can because you’ll enjoy things more when you already know some of its history. Also it’s a good way to get an overview of the city. Really I try to do this wherever I visit.
      Get in at least one or two house tours if you can. There’s a lot of history there.
      Jestine’s Kitchen is a good restaurant.
      The City Market for the ambiance.

      Take a hat, a bottle of water, & be prepared to walk.
      Enjoy!!

    8. Oxford Coma*

      Food: SNOB (Slightly North of Broad) was mediocre and expensive, only go if you’ve already tried all your top choices. Seaman’s was really good, but the whole-fish fry is not for the squeamish.

    9. grace*

      Thanks to all of you for your thoughts! I’ll keep you guys updated in May on how it all goes. :-)

  26. Roe*

    Using a different name for this one.

    My husband’s drinking is getting unsustainable, he’s hiding it, lying about it, and it’s become daily. He got stationed at the same base as his brother, and it hasn’t helped at all. He is a violent drunk, and he hasn’t come at me… yet. I know I have to get out, but I’m scared because I will lose everything that doesn’t fit in my car. He’s active duty, but I don’t want to involve his career. His brother will interfere if he gets out of hand, but I only get to leave once.
    My plan is to grab my dog, clothes, paperwork, and my guns, transfer half the savings, and leave the next time he goes off the rails.
    I don’t want to lose everything, but I can’t have an honest conversation with him, and I just don’t know what to do. If I stay it’ll just get worse, but if I leave I leave behind my whole life. I have somewhere to go, I have a plan, but I am frozen at the thought of losing everything I’ve worked for.

    1. Agnodike*

      If you stay, you could lose your life, and that’s more important than anything you’ll leave behind. I know how it feels to be contemplating that irrevocable step, but that step isn’t just away from what you know now, it’s toward a new life where you don’t have to be afraid for your safety. If you have a plan and you know you need to leave, please leave as soon as possible. Everything you’ll leave behind can be replaced. You can’t.

    2. Red Reader*

      If you trust his brother, maybe talk to him and lay it all out, and see if brother can maybe take him away for a weekend and give you more time to get yourself together and out? Plus that way brother will have a better, less-husband-sourced notion of what’s going on in the aftermath and can maybe try to help husband get the right kind of treatment.

      1. Roe*

        I talked to my SIL, she left his brother because of his drinking, she went back when he got real help. She’s willing to help me in whatever way she can, and she might be able to organize a “boys weekend”.

    3. Max Kitty*

      Good for you for facing hard truths. Things can be replaced. Please take your dog and go as soon as you possibly can. Don’t wait for things to go off the rails, because then it might be too late. You are worth more than any of your possessions.

      If you can do it safely, maybe contact a domestic violence hotline so they can help you take the steps you need to take.

      1. Casuan*

        Don’t wait for things to go off the rails, because then it might be too late.

        +1 !!!!!!!!!!!
        Especially to call the hotline.

        Roe, what you’ve worked for means nothing if *you* aren’t safe.
        Be certain he doesn’t have online access to anything that you do. This is commonly overlooked.
        Your first priority is to get to safety, & your dogs.
        Also, you’re not responsible for his career. It’s commendable that you don’t want to mess things up for him, although remember that you are not the one who has caused these problems.
        My thoughts are with you!!
        Please check in when you’re safe to do so.

    4. Merci Dee*

      I totally understand how hard it would be to walk away from the things that make up your life. But those are just =things=, and you would still have your =life=.

      Any way you could mitigate some of that, though? Maybe rent a small storage space, and then move some things into it as unobtrusively as possible? If he questions you about packing some stuff up to move it to the storage unit, maybe say you’re donating some of your stuff to Goodwill or whatever. That would let you get more stuff out, and create less of a burden to grab whatever you could if you had to flee under duress.

      1. Future Analyst*

        Yes to this. A friend was getting divorced (due to a different type of abuse), and starting stashing things at a friend’s house before she did the official leaving. It helped her feel like she wasn’t just waiting around for whatever terrible thing to happen next, and gave her a better starting point than if she just had to leave. Any chance you can start squirreling away some items?

    5. Elena*

      Some on-base resources may include the local MFLC – they claim to be confidential and don’t report to command or to your husband.

      Depending on the length of your relationship, how recently the problems have appeared, how much they’re associated with a recent tour of duty, how much he’s willing to do for you, and how much you can handle, you might try one final “Come to Jesus”/”Hail Mary” talk….

      Good luck!

      1. Roe*

        We had one of those talks last year when I caught him driving drunk on base with my dog. He used to say he was going to the dog park, but he was stopping at the shopette on his way, and getting drunk in his truck instead. After that he started hiding it more, and it usually involved driving with an open container.

      2. Roe*

        This base is also tiny, I can’t go anywhere without being seen, so I can’t go through the resources. I might be able to go to the army base about an hour away, but I don’t have ready excuses for that.

      3. Kuododi*

        Speaking as a former MFLC…the only limits on confidentiality are the standard suspicion of child/elder abuse as well as issues of domestic violence. An MFLC would not be required to report addiction issues unless it had deteriorated into one of the above three concerns. Best wishes!!!

    6. neverjaunty*

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      Don’t be afraid to involve his career – he doesn’t need you to protect him from the consequences of his actions. And you ARE entitled to more than just the clothes off your back, in all likelihood. This may sound cold, but the fact that he is active-duty military means that it will be a lot harder for him to hide money from you.

      Please don’t freeze until you’re in worse danger; it’s better to get out while you can. He is already “out of hand”.

      1. Roe*

        All he has is his career, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. I will take the nuclear option if he forces me to, but I’m trying to avoid it. His brother is high ranking, so I know he can help mitigate the damage, but I don’t want him to use whatever political power he has on this.
        I’m trying to be as kind as I can, even though he’s the one ruining my life with his habit, I love him, but I won’t go down with the ship.

        1. Kuododi*

          I would really encourage you to find the nearest Al-Anon meetings and get involved. They would be the best source of local support regarding loved one dealing with their partners addiction. It may take trial and error to find the group that is the best fit for your needs. Military One Source is another option for practical, confidential resources which are military oriented. You and your family are in my heart. Blessings…

        2. Jen Erik*

          He is jeopardising his career, not you. You’re allowed to tell the truth about your own life.
          I’m a little concerned about the ‘next time he goes off the rails…’ because I did that for years. If he does this, I’ll go. If he does it again I’ll go. Well, okay, but if he does that, I’ll go. And I never actually went.
          And, with hindsight, that wasn’t great for him either, because he had to be on the verge of losing everything – work, family, health – before he could properly accept he needed help. (And he’s sober now, and we’re happy – but if I could time-travel back, I’d tell myself to just go, and not wait for him to cross some final line.)

          1. Roe*

            It’s amazing what you can justify to yourself. I should have left already, but he had no one, now he has family, to help. Last weekend I had to drag him in the house because he was destroying the shed “looking for something”, he came inside and destroyed my table that I made.
            I’m worried that I will always justify it, and it might take a little longer, but I’m at least a little less scared of leaving now that I have a plan.

            1. neverjaunty*

              He has his brother, and he has the entire structure of the military, which has dealt with people in his situation over and over again. He cannot get help from the victims of his behavior (that’s you).

              1. Casuan*

                This.

                And as things are now, you could probably help him better from the outside. At the least, he might start to realise that he has a problem.

                Roe, what else is there? What’s the alternative? If you stay, do you really think he will stop drinking & getting violent? You’ve already been trying this tactic, to no avail. So change tactics to where you can be in a better [& safe] position to help him.
                I’m so sorry, I know it isn’t as easy as to just do something especially if you’re frozen.
                Several Commenters here have direct experience with this. Please take their comments to heart, Roe. They’re telling you they understand the waiting mentality because they did the same thing & they’re telling you they shouldn’t have waited.

                Hopefully this doesn’t read as too harsh. I’m just really concerned for you.

            2. Jen Erik*

              That sounds scary. I’m sorry you had to be in the house with someone so out-of-control.

              (And I’m properly impressed you have a plan.)

        3. Not That Jane*

          There may also be safety-related concerns when thinking about whether to involve his career. If he feels like he has nothing to lose, that may push him towards being more violent. But you know him best, and can best evaluate whether that is a factor.

          I definitely second the recommendations of Al-Anon and a domestic violence hotline, if you can access them safely. I think you need a Team You that is trained and experienced in situations like this.

        4. Slartibartfast*

          I truly believe my brother would have stopped drinking at least a decade earlier if mom hadn’t done so much to keep him out of jail.

        5. RestlessRenegade*

          Our situations are not much alike at all, but I left my boyfriend of 5 years last month (he didn’t do anything wrong really, but it was time for me to go) and he had nothing but his mom (essentially homeless and very poor) and ex wife. No money, no transportation, no job. I have him some money and I wish him well, but it was so hard to not fix everything and it is still hard knowing that I left when he was at a very low point. I feel responsible, even though I always helped him and never sabotaged him and never will.

      2. Casuan*

        This.

        And as things are now, you could probably help him better from the outside. At the least, he might start to realise that he has a problem.

        Roe, what else is there? What’s the alternative? If you stay, do you really think he will stop drinking & getting violent? You’ve already been trying this tactic, to no avail. So change tactics to where you can be in a better [& safe] position to help him.
        I’m so sorry, I know it isn’t as easy as to just do something especially if you’re frozen.
        Several Commenters here have direct experience with this. Please take their comments to heart, Roe. They’re telling you they understand the waiting mentality because they did the same thing & they’re telling you they shouldn’t have waited.

        Hopefully this doesn’t read as too harsh. I’m just really concerned for you.

      3. Triple Anon*

        How much responsibility does he have? Does he supervise people? Make key decisions? Handle weapons or heavy machinery or dangerous materials?

        I’m sure you’ve thought about this, but an advantage to involving his career would be to protect other people who he could hurt. He would lose everything, but lives could be spared.

        Of course I’m not sure if this applies. But please take the potential damage to others into account. It sounds like you and those close to you are the only ones who know about it right now.

    7. Cristina in England*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t hand over half the savings until you have consulted a lawyer. I’ve left a marriage with nothing in order to be kind, so I get it, but honestly, if he is in the military he will have salary and pension in place and you won’t be getting any of the spousal benefits after you go. Like military housing, and all the other stuff. Protect yourself and try to find an attorney for some advice before you take any action.

      1. Roe*

        Most of the savings is actually his. He had a good amount before we married, I only calculate my portion after marriage. Whatever I take out will be 1/3 of the overall amount. I don’t need his money, I just need my car. The car will be the sticky part though, we sold his truck before the move, and he doesn’t need a vehicle here cause the base is so small. He can buy a new vehicle outright, but I don’t want a judge to say my car must be sold and split because it’s the only one for the house. The title is and/or, so I hope since I am in physical possession, that it can’t be taken, plus I had a vehicle when I entered the marriage.

        1. Bagpuss*

          Can you arrange to talk to a divorce lawyer now, before you leave, to get a feel for what you might be entitled to and how you safeguard stuff like the car? That way at least you know where you stand and can plan with good information.
          (In my jurisdiction, all the savings would normally be treated as matrimonial assets, not just those built up since since the marriage, for instance – if that’s true where you are you could still decide not to take half, but there may be a way to offset that against the car so you don’t risk losing it, for instance)
          Good luck

    8. fposte*

      I know this is hard, but you’re talking about a violent drunk with access to weapons. Staying means a risk of losing everything you’ve worked for as well, only in a tragic and unrecoverable way. You’re doing him a favor to make that less likely too.

      1. Roe*

        That was a first thought too. I secured the ammo in a lock box, and replaced the combo lock with an identical model, but different combo, he hasn’t opened it yet, and I haven’t brought up going to the range.

    9. Nesprin*

      get a po box today so you can make copies and store documents ahead of time. Ditto enough cash for a couple of days in case of emergency. Im so sorry you have to go through this.

      1. Roe*

        I have $2k cash, my own credit card, and I scanned the most important stuff. I also have screenshots of the savings account, so he can’t say I took anything that wasn’t mine. I’m trying to put a “go bag” together, but this isn’t a big house, and it would be noticeable for key things to be missing.

        1. Marthooh*

          In addition to the go bag, make a go list of other things to take and their locations in the house. That will make packing the car much easier when you have to do it.

    10. King Friday XIII*

      That’s such a hard situation to be in, I’m sorry. I know you said it’s a small house and he’ll notice if some things go missing, but can you maybe start “redecorating”? That would allow you to move all sorts of things, pack others up, and generally have an excuse if he asks where something has gone and it’s in a box.

      Also please believe me that you don’t have to wait for him to do something bad enough. You can leave while he’s asleep. You can leave on a good, calm day. You can leave while he’s out of the house. You are important and your safety and happiness are important.

    11. Roe*

      Btw thank you all for being so supportive. I know that’s it’s going to take a little longer to get my sh*t together and get out, but it is really great knowing there’s people in the world that are this supportive. All of the encouragement and advice is wonderful, and helps with my frame of mind. You are all just wonderful people.

    13. Mananana*

      Roe, first, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My first (ex) husband was an alcoholic; it is soul-sucking living that way.

      Couple of things: First, you can arrange counseling through Military OneSource, which can be done in person, on the phone, or via Skype. You can get 12 sessions for free. Or find a Al-Anon group, either in person or online. It was a life-saver for me.

      Next, if you do decide to go through the Family Advocacy Office, please know that they’re not going to go the career-ending route as the first step. But, if he devolves into physical violence, please know that there is help for you. Including the Transitional Assistance Program which can help you financially.

      Above all else, take care of yourself and your dog.

    14. valentine*

      Can you get legal advice? There is a story on Reddit from an abusive guy who found out his ex dumped him via her lawyer, who photographed the apartment so he couldn’t stick her with future damages. Maybe that doesn’t apply on-base. There is a story on Tumblr about a trainer’s clients, a SEAL and some bodybuilders, surprising her with her stuff they gathered from her ex’s place. Do you have friends who can help you move out? A civilian can ask for police or sheriff’s deputies to be present. Is this something you can ask of MPs? Be careful with SIL and BIL, in case they betray you because they think they can force you to have what they have. If you feel safe with online resources, there are counselors you can type to.

    16. Mm Hmm*

      I hear your courage, your kindness, & your ability to see clearly in your words. I’m glad you have a plan. And a SIL as an ally.

      If you’re the poster I think you are, can you stash some stuff as part of “prepping the house” for some of the repair work you’ve requested?

      We’re pulling for you.

    17. Roe*

      I intend on going to the family readiness center this week, I went at our last base and I was able to talk to someone about these things, and they also gave me info on logistics. At a minimum I can find out what is available in this state.

      I’m going to register my car in my name only, I have an excellent driving record, so I told him it would save us $ on insurance. That should take care of that problem.

      I contacted a friend of mine at a different base, and he is setting me up to meet a good friend of his on this base, who also happens to be security forces. I’ll be able to get additional information from them.

      A friend of mine is a couple hours south of me, so I can go to her house while things get sorted. I’ll be far enough he won’t travel to me, but close enough to be available for getting stuff/ paperwork.

      So all that’s left is the hard part, which will happen (hopefully) in the next couple months.

      I never thought I’d be over 30, making plans like this. I always figured waiting to get married was smart, turns out it doesn’t matter when you do it, it can still go sideways. But thank you everyone for all the kind words and information. It is really appreciated and useful.

      1. Belle di Vedremo*

        I’m so sorry to hear that you’re up against this, but glad to know you have a plan and some local support. Violent drunk plus weapons sounds really scary. An attorney and military support both sound very practical. I hope that you can get more time to prep and pack to leave, eg the brothers weekend, and that you can leave on a calm day/weekend.

        Please keep us posted.

    18. Massmatt*

      This was a heartbreaking letter to read, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Much good advice here, make your safety the priority and gather all the support that you can. Please update when you can, good luck!

      1. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

        I just came here to ask for an update as well. Roe, please take care and be safe! We’re all rooting for you!

  27. Sapphire*

    Crafting thread (heh, puns)! What are y’all working on?

    I feel really accomplished! I finished two pairs of mittens (one pair even has holes for your fingertips so you can use a smartphone), and I also knit a bunch of I-cord so that I can crochet a little accent rug when I acquire a big enough hook. I also plan to see some of the seams for my knit vest.

    1. LNLN*

      I am about to finish knitting my 3rd pair of socks. It took me a while (2 classes and 2 pairs of socks) but I was determined to master turning the heel! I’m not a very experienced knitter, so this really feels like an accomplishment.

      1. Sapphire*

        Yay for you, that’s awesome! I wish posting pictures was easier here.

        Socks and Fair Isle feel like the final frontiers of knitting that I haven’t quite gotten up the courage to try. I think a pair of socks is going to be my next project for myself.

        1. Anonyme*

          I am working (slowly) on the Beekeepers quilt and I use the hexagons to try out new techniques, like mosaic. and my first fair isle was a coffee cozy…. tiny manageable things for new skills.

    2. Anonyme*

      Also knitter, I’m currently practicing steeking on small things before trying it on a sweater I have.

      1. BeautifulVoid*

        The crochet steek is my favorite. (I suck at anything involving a sewing machine.) I love colorwork and don’t mind steeking. I’ve even modified things to include a steek rather than having to turn my work. My mother thinks I am insane.

    4. BeautifulVoid*

      I got a gradient set of sock yarn from Knit Circus for Christmas and I finally started a pair of socks with it. (Here Be Dragons from Knitty.) I loooooove gradients and I’m itching to get more already; however, I’m not sure how many ~$50 pairs of socks I can justify. :-X

      I also finally made myself learn Judy’s Magic Cast-On for this. Not too bad once I did it all on DPNs instead of two circular needles, though I did feel like a psychotic octopus at times.

    5. LadyKelvin*

      I picked up crochet over christmas as a new hobby. Right now I’m make an awesome octopus. It is taking forever! But it’ll look really cool when I’m done.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I REALLY want to get the hang of knitting but it’s so difficult with this stupid dyspraxia and the fine motor control issue in my hands. If I keep at it, I’ll eventually get it but it’s frustrating and I haven’t worked on it in a while. I’m not ready to give up and/or let go of all the yarn I bought, haha.

      More below about cleaning out stuff, but I’m determined to finish at least one of these dolls houses and perhaps more. If for no other reason, to make some room in here because supplies and houses take up a lot of it.

    7. King Friday XIII*

      This week’s been spent mostly mending a wool blanket. I finally upgraded from darning needles to a weaving needle for the big holes, lol.

    8. Not That Jane*

      I started, but haven’t finished, an afghan based on Penrose tiles. It requires some creative pattern making / modification, plus making 200 pentagons.

    9. Officials' Anonymous (UK)*

      I’ve knitted half a cowl in an amazing Countess Ablaze colourway with a name that’s too rude for here but linked in my name.

      Also mounted some cross stitch and made a table for my craft corner.

    10. Searching*

      I knit a little baby hat for a friend’s brand-new grandbaby. It’s kind of late in the season for hats but it was a cotton yarn so I hope she’ll get to wear it at least once! It was a new pattern I found on Ravelry and knit up in less than a day. Ravelry links in reply.

      I’m also still working on my lace weight shawl. It’s an easy “tv knitting” project since I’ve been watching way too many tv shows before they wrap up for the season.

    11. NeverNicky*

      I’m working on a blanket and also knitting up lots of small toys from the free kits that come with magazines.
      Next week I will be stitching a small sampler for a friend who is getting married.

    12. Dragonista*

      I’ve finally got the hang of knitting socks, and I’m almost to the heel on the third pair I’ve knit since the new year. Perfect size project for commuting! Once this is done I have agreed to knit a loose sweater with all over cables for a very knit worthy relative.

    14. Thursday Next*

      I’m working on a blanket for my son. I had started knitting it in the fall, but took a few months break from knitting because my carpal tunnel issues flared up. It started out as a throw blanket, but (due to a gauge snafu) I’ve decided to make it twin size. I’m really pleased with myself for having found what seems to be the last skein in New York City of the yarn I was using!

    15. Ann Furthermore*

      My thing is cross-stitch. I just recently finished a Merry Christmas sampler (a little late, but it’s ready for this year), and my next project is a baby gift for my great-nephew and his girlfriend. Yes, I’m going to be a great-great-aunt, and my mom is going to be a great-great-grandmother. Anyway, I found a super cute “Dragon Welcome” sampler. I’m just waiting to find out if they’re having a boy or a girl before I get started.

  28. Rye*

    Thanks to Netflix I’ve been marathoning the entire series of Friends. I remember loving this show back when it was on (though it probably set up unrealistic expectations of how independent I’d be by 25 lol), but watching it again now…wow the main six characters were really terrible people. Many of their backstories seem to contain some pretty traumatic events and those are passed off as jokes.

    (Also all the gender stereotyping, borderline homophobic jokes and general stigmatisation of anything intellectual…that show really doesn’t hold up as well as I would’ve expected it to…)

    1. Ali G*

      OMG I was just having this conversation with someone recently. The biggest thing I realized was how HORRIBLE Ross was. And horrible to Rachael and we couldn’t believe she threw her life away to be with him. He’s manipulative, jealous and treats her like property for the better part of the series and she’s just like, “sure that’s cool.” Not cool.

      1. kc89*

        as a child Ross was my favorite, I think it’s because he did a lot of physical comedy and funny voices

        but as an adult he is the worsttttttttttt

      2. Rye*

        I used to defend Ross (somewhat half-heartedly but still) since he was the token bookish type who seemed like he might care more about substance than style. But upon re-watching he’s every bit as shallow as Joey was when it came to appearances. When he got dumped by Charlie (the beautiful palaeontologist from one of the last seasons) he complained about how all the other female palaeontologists ‘look like they should live under a bridge’, and that just made me want to hit him.

        Back when it aired I was so happy that he and Rachel ended up together (I suspect the creators felt pressured to end it that way) but now I really wish she moved to Paris after all (and lets not get started on how unrealistic that job negotiation process was!).

    2. Diluted_Tortoiseshell*

      It really doesn’t hold up well at all.

      I remember marking as a red flag an interviewee who said his hobby was re-watching all of Friends. And that in his opinion TV stopped progressing after that point.

      Usually the hobby question is a throw-away let’s get to know you better type thing. I have never dinged anyone on a question before. Some coworkers argued with me about it – and I told them to go home and re-watch their favorite episode on Netflix. They all came back the next day and agreed he was not for our team.

    3. Sapphire*

      I almost finished Friends, but had to stop at the episode where Ross objects to having a male nanny because of toxic masculinity or something. I was just tired of all the jokes about gender and sexuality, and the fat jokes.

      Honestly, the best thing about Friends was a cameo by Hugh Laurie before American audiences knew him as House.

      1. Rye*

        Oh yes, that one was just cringeworthy, although I guess it’s in keeping with the character (there was an episode where he was super-uncomfortable with his son wanting to play a Barbie doll).

    4. Parenthetically*

      Yes! God! Spoiled, insufferable, sexist, fattist, homophobic trash. Phoebe was by far the most decent human in the bunch.

      1. Rye*

        Seriously? I don’t agree at all!
        Well actually she did start out really sweet and caring. One episode I still like a lot is the one when Ben was born, and Susan and Ross were arguing over who got to be more involved in the baby’s life. Phoebe pointed out how lucky this baby was that it has three whole parents to fight over who gets to love it the most when she barely had one parent growing up. That one still makes me a bit teary.

        But the later episodes she got increasingly mean and shrill and manipulative, and would make mean comments for no reason other than to be mean. I read somewhere that apparently it was because people found pregnant Phoebe (who was super irritable) hilarious, so they kept moving her in that direction. They chalk a lot of that up to her having lived on the streets, but that makes no sense since by the later episodes she’d been /off/ the streets longer than she had been at the start!

        The other thing that annoyed me was how they made the family thing a big deal for her, but after she found both her birth mother /and/ birth father (and seemed to want a relationship with them) they were barely mentioned again. I get that it was most likely a casting issue, but to not even mention why they weren’t at her /wedding/ was a serious oversight.

        1. Nina*

          I agree. Phoebe was awful in the later seasons. Just mean for the sake of mean, and it wasn’t funny.

        2. Lindsay J*

          Yeah, I feel like all the characters suffered from some flanderization over the course of the series, but Phoebe was the worst.

          There are several times where she is just plain unreasonable for no good reason. Like, insisting people agree with her on things that are just not cool (like trying to get everyone to agree to let her keep the cat that she decided was her mom, even though she knows it belongs to a little kid, but there are others I know I’m not thinking of off of the top of my head).

          She starts out good-natured and quirky, but turns into mean, unrealistic, and just weird for the sake of being weird.

    5. Lissa*

      It doesn’t hold up at all well, and that makes me so happy, in a weird way. It was only 20-ish years ago, and we’ve come so far in what’s considered acceptable – I think that’s really cool! I also know what you mean about traumatic events passed off as jokes – that seems to be a thing in a lot of 80s/90s shows at the time, where it’s like … “uh, that’s child abuse actually” or similar. I’m another one who loved Friends, and I do think some episodes are still hilarious, but overall… yiiiikes.

      1. Rye*

        Yeah, some of the stuff Monica’s parents did (and continue to do) to her was just disturbing (I think I found them unpalatable even back when they were first shown, but could overlook that because I loved the show so much overall).

        I think one of the problems is that they keep regressing that relationship. Like they’d have a heartfelt moment when her parents acknowledge how lucky they are to have her as a daughter, but then a few episodes later she’s the punchline again.

      2. Lindsay J*

        Yeah, I still enjoy watching Friends. You just have to view it as a product of it’s time. And we have come a long way in the 20 or so years since then. (And Friends was actually sort of progressive for it’s time. Yes, Carol and Susan and their wedding were played for jokes, but they were one of they few portrayals of a lesbian couple on air at all at the time. And definitely one of the very few shown getting married.)

    6. Emilie*

      As a historian it’s important to me to point out, that we should be wary of judging things/actions/people by other standards than those they existed/were created under. But boy did Friends age badly…

      1. Rye*

        Yeah, it’s a reflection of its time. Although it does make me wonder whether, despite (or even because of) its popularity, there were people who were made to feel bad about themselves because of the way traits were depicted on the show. (E.g. that people who like to read are boring by definition.)

      2. Sapphire*

        To be honest, I don’t like the argument that racism or homo/transphobia or fatphobia were more acceptable in earlier time periods. It’s not like black people, queer people, or fat people didn’t exist; they most certainly did and would have been hurt by those attitudes and how they manifest in popular media. They just are able to more easily express their feelings and have other people listen.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          This. So much. If you look back throughout history, there were always people speaking out against the treatment of marginalized groups, and I think the argument that something or someone is a reflection of their time handwaves and justifies that bigotry and oppression. People knew it was wrong then, they just didn’t have anyone from those marginalized groups who had the power or fame to speak out against it in a way that made people actually stop and take notice.

          1. Triplestep*

            Yes! OR people did NOT their behavior was bigoted, and few (in any) from marginalized groups were able to speak out.

            This idea that we should look at different eras through the lens of what was considered acceptable at the time has never made sense to me. Why not look back and say “That was not OK”? I think that only serves to help us evolve. As Lissa points out above, Friends was only 20 years ago, and it’s great that its only taken that long to critique and question why we thought it was funny. Taking it with so many grains of salt because it represents what a particular demographic found acceptable in the nineties does a disservice.

            1. all aboard the anon train*

              Yeah. In the ’90s, I knew it was progressive to have queer characters on TV, but I also knew it was wrong and hurtful to laugh at them for being “weird”. One doesn’t cancel out the other. I was still hurt and made to feel like “other” because that a portrayal of queer people was only a caricature and not something fully realized or accepted.

              I think people get defensive and use the “that was the time” because they’re embarrassed they went along with something or want to explain away bad aspects of their country/culture’s history, but that does more harm than good.

        2. Lissa*

          I’m not sure I agree with that. I think that some of the attitudes we saw in the 1990s, for instance, *were* considered progressive at the time, and people were less likely to be hurt because it was considered to be pretty forward-thinking. It isn’t like there’s one agreed-upon trajectory of social consciousness with an objective bad/offensive and an objective good that’s the same in all cultural contexts. I’m sure lots of things we’re doing today, even things made by minorities that are considered progressive, will be considered bad in some ways in 50 years. I think this is particularly true when it comes to language use, for example.

    7. Kat*

      I’ve seen this being said a lot recently and, well, I can see why, but I also just don’t really watch it in that way. I think I can accept it doesn’t translate as well to 2018 and still enjoy it for what it was and what it gave to me at the time.

      2. Lindsay J*

        This.

        Unless we’re going to throw out all media that existed prior to the current year, there are always going to be things that are *problematic* in older media.

        Some are obviously worse than others (like Alamo Drafthouse is showing all of the James Bond movies in order and holy hell I can barely keep myself from gagging at some of the older ones. Like he basically forces himself on women who don’t want to kiss him, but in a minute it’s okay because he’s hot and good at kissing so they enjoy it).

        But everything – and I mean everything – has changed a lot even in the last couple decades. And things that weren’t problematic at the time, now are.

        And sometimes, a show or book portraying something problematic doesn’t mean that the creator agrees with those attitudes. Like “To Kill a Mockingbird” has been challenged in several school districts for having the N-word in it, and how black people are treated in the book in general. But reading it it’s pretty clear that Lee does not support racism, but was illuminating the horrors of it to show that we should not be racist.

    8. Peanut*

      I loved Friends back when it originally aired – there was a MadTV joke about a guy whose friends were just the Friends on tv, and I felt like I was that person. But I tried rewatching it last year and didn’t make it very far.

      You know what has held up though? Frasier!! I’ve been watching all of those instead, and enjoying them greatly. I wasn’t a huge fan when it aired, though I liked the episodes I happened to catch, but the physical and verbal humor is amazing.

      1. Parenthetically*

        This is so true. I was staying with a friend a couple summers ago in London and the weather was filthy and she was in the “if I hold perfectly still except for sipping ginger ale, maybe I won’t barf” stage of pregnancy, and we watched a LOT of Frasier! I was the wrong age for it when it was first on air, but I found it very sly and clever as we marathoned it.

      2. Rye*

        I’d finished watching Frasier a while ago (right before starting Friends actually), and while it does hold up much better, there were still some things that jumped out a lot more when watching it in one go (as opposed to spread out over 11 years). For instance even though he wants to be appreciated for his intellect he focuses a lot more on how attractive a woman is (sort of like my complaint about Ross above, but not as bad).

        I’m thinking about re-watching Cheers at some point, another series I really loved. But given it was made in the late 80s/early 90s, I worry it’d be even worse…? (Although I first watched it maybe 10 years ago, and thought it was great at that time…)

      3. Courageous cat*

        Yes! I never watched Frasier before until just a few weeks ago and I was honestly surprised at how good it is. I watch it every night and am on season 2 now. Really out of the rest of 90s sitcoms’ leagues. Niles and Frasier especially have great chemistry.

        The only thing I still haven’t gotten used to yet is Daphne’s voice. How she manages to sound like a shrill English grandmotherly type all the time is beyond me. I imagine it’s in part due to using “me” in place of “my”. I could totally be off-base but she just seems like a cartoonish depiction of a British person and it drives me nuts – her character is great otherwise.

        1. Rye*

          I think Daphne’s quirkiness gets toned down a lot later on (Frasier being one of the rare shows where characters became more well-rounded rather as the seasons went on, rather than getting turned into caricatures of their earlier selves.). But then again most British characters on American shows tend to be a bit stereotyped aren’t they? Otherwise how would you know they were (gasp) British!

    9. buttercup*

      I’m a Friends fan. it’s funny because I always recognized the characters were bad, but I though that’s what added to the comedy. Both Chandler and Ross’s insecure masculinity was always mocked by the show, but realistically depicted a sad reality about how social views were/still are. I definitely thought Ross was one of those fake nice guys who tried to seem like he cared, but was actually really selfish. All of the characters are definitely foolish.

      I do recognize now that Friends was definitely a Hollywood stereotype of its time where everyone in the cast is white, straight, and thin.

      1. Lindsay J*

        I always recognized that Ross was terrible.

        But what really struck me on rewatching is how terrible all the characters are. None of them are really good friends to each other when the going really gets tough.

    10. all aboard the anon train*

      I’m always a bit happy when people point this out.

      I hated the show when it was airing. The homophobic jokes made me feel awful about myself and probably pushed me further into the denial closet, and the gender stereotyping also made me uncomfortable. I never watched it frequently aside from times at a friend’s house or in college when someone had it on and I couldn’t escape it or change the channel, but so many people at school did and would rehash the jokes or talk about how funny certain things were when it was clear to me that the show was laughing at people, not with them.

      I always hate the excuse “it was a different time then!” to justify such jokes because there were also a good number of people then who were hurt by such cruelty and knew it wasn’t okay. 90s and early 2000s TV were really, really bad with gender stereotyping and homophobia (and it makes me cringe whenever I see that tired ’90s stereotype used to reference queer people in media today….and worse, I know a lot of straight people who think they know what “queer” looks like because of the portrayals in ’90s TV).

      1. Rye*

        Out of interest, did you feel the same way about shows like Will and Grace?
        I never watched that show (maybe one or two episodes in total), but I’ve heard polarising views about whether it had a positive or negative impact on perceptions of the LGBTQ+ community.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          Yeah. I mean, it’s pretty well known in certain areas of the LGBTQ+community that Will and Grace is a show about gay men for straight people, not a show for queer people. It was meant to show straight people that the gays aren’t scary. They’re either sexless (Will) or harmlessly flamboyant (Jack).

          IMO, I think it’s great if the show helped anyone, but I found it also made people think all gay men acted a certain way and I saw it lead to a rise in straight women wanting a gay BFF. I think it’s caused lingering stereotypes that a lot of straight people cling to even today, and with the revival, I’ve definitely seen that come up again.

        2. Someone else*

          It had both positive and negative effects. A Lot of people watched that show and liked it and for the first time in their lives felt “hey, I like this character, and this character is a gay person, I like a gay person and that’s fine” for the first time after watching that show. All of a sudden gay people were people to a bucnh of folks who kind of didn’t consider them so before. And that’s a very good thing.
          But that show also tread (treads I guess since it’s back and very much the same) in a TON of very lazy stereotypes, which is not so great.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        When the show was airing, I could not hack it. I watched it briefly and thought it was harsh all around. I could not understand the popularity.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          Honestly, this is my thought with a lot of sitcoms, even ones airing now. I feel like we’re supposed to root for the characters, but they’re usually awful, selfish people and their banter comes off as borderline bullying and their jokes come off as cruel. Even the rare sitcoms I love like Parks & Rec & B99 have that one character whose humor comes off as mean-spirited.

          That’s why I guess I always preferred sitcoms like Arrested Development where you’re told the characters aren’t great people and you’re not really supposed to laugh with them, but at them.

          1. AcademiaNut*

            That’s pretty much how I’ve always felt about most sitcoms, particularly the ones that are more cringe comedy oriented. I’ve literally never made it through an episode of Friends or Seinfeld.

            Oddly, the ones I did like as a kid were MASH and Night Court. And some of the British ones.

    11. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I feel similarly about How I met your mother! I watched it a while ago and really liked it, but thinking back now, I’m realizing there was a lot of stuff that was straight up horrifying.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I was a similar age to the Friends characters when it was first broadcase, but it seems to be a show which has not aged well.

        That said, there was a short scene over the closing credits where Phoebe and Joey were sitting in Central Perk discussing an alternative ending, and I thought it sounded like a far better programme. (It ends with Phoebe saying about Ross “We have words, then I kill him”)

      2. Lindsay J*

        Yeah.

        There was a Buzzfeed post about this recently.

        And I always kind of hated Ted. He’s just as much as a womanizer as Barney is, but while Barney’s behavior is over-the-top and clearly exaggerated and played for laughs, Ted is the *romantic*.

        But there was a joke about human trafficking in the show that I am 100% not okay with. Like, yes, it’s a throw-away line. But since it’s a throw-away line, why have it in the damn show to begin with.

        SPOILERS BE HERE:

        I also hated how Robin was super pissed at Barney for lying to her, etc. But then as soon as he pulled out a ring and proposed it somehow made everything okay. Like you’re so pissed off at someone that you don’t want to be friends anymore in one second, but then he asks you to marry him and you say yes? What the hell is that?

    12. Apostrophina*

      I felt the same way rewatching Wings back when it was streaming on Netflix. Joe’s proposal to Helen could get its own Lifetime movie, it made my skin crawl so much.

    13. FrontRangeOy*

      The theatre I’m involved with recently did a audience involved/improv show originally written in the mid 80’s. The director ended up cutting out a huge toast that’s laced with racist, anti semetic, homophobic “jokes” of the worst attitude. And much like Friends, it’s a little bit remarkable that in such a relatively short period of time, that speech has morphed from acceptable comedy to completely-unacceptable-half-the-audience-will-walk-out if we cast this role.

    14. Lone Rhino*

      “the main six characters were really terrible people.”

      I’m seeing this complaint a lot about sitcoms. Being terrible people is part of the comedy. There are a lot of shows where people are complete jerks to their family and friends. I guess it doesn’t bother me because I don’t look for comedy to have well rounded characters. It’s the absurd that makes it funny.

      1. Rye*

        If that’s all you’re looking for in comedy then sure, there’s no problem. But I don’t think people need to be jerks for a sitcom to be funny (probably why I could never get into Seinfield).

        Even the early seasons of Friends the characters were much better people. They make references in later seasons to how spoiled Rachel was when she first joined their group, but really she was just naive, she was still very sweet and tried to contribute (accepted a low-paid job, tried to impress Monica by cleaning the apartment etc.). I’ve sort of watched it a bit out of order (later seasons first) but the contrast is pretty stark.

    15. Ann Furthermore*

      There were some moments on Friends that could have been truly awesome, or taken the story line in a new direction that allowed for some great character growth, but it seems now like the writers were not mature enough to know how to do anything beyond standard, banal jokes.

      There’s a lot of Ross bashing — all well-deserved — but one time where I thought he got the short end of the stick was at the beginning of the series, when Carol and Susan got together. The 2 of them acted like Ross was being completely unreasonable, particularly when Carol was pregnant. He and Carol were married. He was in love with her, and was planning to spend the rest of his life with her. Then she drops this huge bombshell — not only does she not love him, she’s started a relationship with another woman. That was a huge adjustment for him to have to make, and often it seemed to me like Carol and Susan were way too dismissive of Ross’s struggle to come to terms with that.

      When Carol and Susan got married (or had their commitment ceremony), Carol’s parents refused to participate and Ross ended up walking her down the aisle, which was really sweet of him to do. Then, at the reception, Susan told him that he’d done a really nice thing. That would have been a great jumping off point for the writers to take the relationship between the 3 of them in a whole new direction, but soon after that they reverted to the same tired old humor.

  29. Extra Anon Today*

    Trans day of visibility is today, and I’m well aware of the irony of posting about it under a different name, but I’m starting to transition socially and it’s terrifying.

    Anyway good luck and good vibes to my trans siblings – we’re some pretty cool, brave, excellent people, and may we all have the good fortune to live as the people we are <3

    2. King Friday XIII*

      Congrats! I’m on the other end of that where being visible today means coming out to people who may not realize I’ve transitioned. So the good news is it never stops being weird!

      … Wait. That’s not what I meant. What I meant is that you’re so awesome for starting the process of socially transitioning, and it does get easier even if it is differently weird. I’m so proud of you. And it’s been 100% worth it for me, and I hope it is for you too!

    3. Anony Non (UK)*

      Congratulations!

      Happy TDoV and huge, huge congrats on starting the process, using my partner’s words “it gets harder, and then easier, and even a decade later you still get randomly blindsided with something hard”

    4. Triplestep*

      Congratulations! I hope your transition gets less terrifying more quickly than you expect.

    5. Triple Anon*

      Congrats!

      I’m out as . . . something . . . I think. I’m not sure if people think I’m non-binary or a pre-everything trans guy, but they’re being really nice about it. Nicer than when I pretend to be a normal cis woman (whatever “normal” is). I guess people appreciate the honesty even if it’s awkward.

      I sure feel awkward. People treat me like a guy and it’s nice, but then I kind of panic and think, “Wait! I missed all the lessons for this! I don’t know the rules!” I know how to be a guy from having male friends. But I was taught the opposite role growing up so I feel like I missed a lot of key stuff and will play the part wrong.

      And it all feels like playing a part. I think I’m non-binary. I seem to think more like a typical guy (if there are legit differences) but I enjoy being feminine about half of the time. I’m at the point where I identify as confused / indifferent.

      I said some vague stuff about being some variety of non-binary on Facebook. I’ve come out privately as trans to a number of people over the years. I think that might have gotten around as a rumor. I mean I have concrete reasons to suspect that.

      It’s all really weird, but it’s progress in the right direction because I’m being honest and not pretending to be something I’m not. Awkward: my body is very feminine-looking and I can’t even do the usual modification stuff. I wear loose clothing and hope for the best.

      I’m hoping that someone will still be attracted to me. Maybe another non-binary person? I’m hoping people won’t be too weirded out by me acting like different genders on different days. I’m subtle about it. But it’s weird even for me. And I’m hoping I’ll find a good job where I can kind of be myself or some variation on the non-binary theme.

      Agh. It feels really complicated. But it’s also liberating in a lot of ways. I’m taking things one day at a time and trying not to stress about it too much.

  30. WellRed*

    I have a group of HS friends I get together with several times a year. I have my closest friend, Michelle, who I met in my 20s. They’ve never all socialized, until Michelle got to know one of the HS friends via work. Is it OK if I sometimes find it weird to see Michelle included and responding to a group text making plans, saying how she cant wait to see everyone? It’s not frequent, but I don’t know. I don’t get to see ANY of them often and am often lonely in that “hard to make friends” stage of life. I am also more reserved (they are all fairly fun, vivacious) and have always had sharper boundaries than perhaps I should. But this boundary blurring is a good thing, right? How do I reframe my thinking and not feel like I am getting squeezed out? Ugh, too old to feel this silly and insecure.

    1. kc89*

      friend stuff that like really can be weird

      it’s like a good friend of mine who lives in another state came to visit me, she met a local friend of mine and the three of us hung out for a couple of hours

      it’s over a year later and my friend in another state is constantly asking about my local friend and wanting to give her life advice and go on trips and I’m like girl you met her for THREE hours lol

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Add more friends into your life.
      I realize you said that life is at that stage where it is hard to find new friends, so go slowly. Maybe find one person in the next 18 months. Then look for a second person. In the process of shifting gears here that will help somewhat with those squeezed out feelings. You will kind of shift to deciding how big YOUR circle is instead of squeezing into your established circle.

      Right now you rely on this group to get a sense of belonging. But other folks will come along and welcome you and show you that you belong with them also. You may find that one friend brings you to her family and they all welcome you. I have had that happen a couple times, I get to meet the whole family and they are all warm friendly people.

      And here is a tricky one, some times people show their love/friendship for us by adopting OUR friends. Michele is new to your group, your group may have opened up to include her or anyone you bring along. I can’t really tell from what you have here that this is NOT the case.

      People like Michele make friends very quickly. There’s lots of Micheles and Michaels out there. People who just join in naturally and quickly. That’s not you (and it’s often times not me) that is okay. Everyone goes at the pace they are comfy with.

  31. Grieving*

    TW suicide

    How have you coped with the loss of a loved one to suicide? Those stages of grief are no joke. In my case it’s an ex, but he was important to me and I am just struggling with how to move forward with my life while knowing how much pain he was in. My spouse is incredibly supportive and I’m also sick right now, which helps in some way because I can stay in bed and just be. I’d love to hear from others who have been through this very sad and very specific loss, because it’s hard for me to connect with my community around this, and people just want me to be over it.

    1. AlmostAcademic*

      Yes! It’s such a different experience and form of grief to other losses in some ways. I struggled with feelings of guilt and anger for a while after it, and people around me had a hard time connecting with that. I think above all, just giving myself space to feel and heal, talking with a counselor, and just the passage of time really helped. I also got involved with a few suicide-prevention groups, and taking action in that way helped me to work through my feelings a little more. Not sure what country you’re in, but the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the American Association for Suicidology both have some resources and support groups for those who have lost someone to suicide. NAMI can also be helpful. Sorry for your loss.

    2. Elkay*

      I highly recommend the podcast Griefcast. The host lost her Dad at 15 and each episode talks with someone different who’s lost someone. It really highlights how grief is different and the same for everyone. It comforts me to know I’m not the only one who feels a certain wat. They recommend a book called Grief Works by Julia Samuel, maybe that would help you.

    3. Can't Sit Still*

      My local hospice has a suicide survivor support group. It was 4-6 weeks, I can’t remember now, and there were a wide range of survivors, from very recent to decades-old losses, who lost family members, spouses, children, cousins, friends, etc. It was very helpful, even though I went a couple of years after my father’s suicide. I found meeting in person much more helpful than online groups and one on one with a therapist, personally.

      Grief takes as long as it takes. Suicide can be very difficult to deal with alone, and sometimes stuff can pop up years later. After twenty years, my father’s suicide has gone from being an open wound to an old injury that aches when it rains. It’s always there, but it doesn’t always hurt. I found by speaking openly about my father’s suicide that there are a lot of survivors of suicide out there. Some of them told me it was the first time they’d talked about it in years, because there is still such a stigma about it. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the US and nobody ever talks about it, as if it will somehow go away.

      Please take care of yourself and take the time you need to grieve. I am so sorry for your loss.

    4. Sylvan*

      Two of my relatives, who I was very close to, committed suicide. It’s hard. You might not feel the way you expect to based on what you knew about suicide before. You might not feel how other people expect, even people you’re close to, and they might not have the tact to keep that to themselves. Give yourself space to let your reactions come and go.

      If you want to talk to people who get it in person, look for discussion groups. Right now there are groups for “suicide survivors,” a term worth Googling with your city’s name. It’s not my thing, so I can’t speak from much experience, but they have a lot of resources and groups. There’s also NAMI.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not directly answering about suicide survivors because I don’t have a close experience. But I can answer about the people who want us to be over our grief.

      The people who want us to just get over our grief are NOT our peeps right at the moment. Maybe later we will warm up to them or NOT.
      The thing about loss is that some folks know what to say and what to do OR they know how to ask how to help. Other folks can’t/don’t.
      From watching people I have to say we do not get to pick who helps us. I have been guilty of saying “oh, Family Member should help me and be supportive.” The next thing that happens is FM blows me right off.

      People will come along randomly and say supportive things or make helpful gestures. And if you deliberately watch for these people, you may notice more and more of them. They usually are not the people we think should be supportive, they are just random people. Learn to accept these random people as a gift, because they really are.

      An aside: Sickness, even if it’s just something like a cold, can really exasperate sorrow or grief. It can turn grief into something bigger than planet earth. Go easy with you. Encourage yourself that your immediate goal is to get feeling a little better. Once you get better then you are going to look into some type of support to help with your grief.

      You know. You have several griefs running at the same time. That sorrow for how difficult life was for your ex is a whole grief alone. My father died and I grieved him not being there. But my larger grief was my sorrow for just how fn hard his life was. Granted, not the same because he did not commit suicide but it does jump out at me that we can just plain mourn how hard someone’s life was for them. And that is a pretty heavy grief right there.
      I am sorry for your loss, his loss and his suffering when he was here.

  32. Anonymouse*

    When is reasonable to go to the doctor?

    I grew up in a family that almost never went, and having lived on a very limited budget for most of my adult life, even the thought of a $15 co-pay when I’m not sure the visit will be helpful is a lot to swallow. Plus I’ve had some really bad times with unexpected bills and fighting insurance companies, so needless to say I’m not keen on the doctor except in absolutely emergencies. Now, I’ve been sick on and off and feeling rundown for months, like I’m in a super dull fog and can’t understand anything (before anyone asks, it’s not depression). I’ve heard that doctors in general are not great at vague medical complaints, and combined with my history I’ve been trying to change things in my life on my own instead and hoping that helps, and feel like it’s likely just a random crummy string of colds/flus/etc. My friends who grew up with money, access to healthcare, yearly physicals, can’t understand why I haven’t been to the doctor yet (especially since they’re the types to go see their GP for every cold and sniffle!). It’s making me question my stance and learning on it.

    So I’m wondering, what’s reasonable in general for frequency of seeing a doctor, or symptom severity before you should make an appointment?

    1. neverjaunty*

      “Feeling rundown for months” definitely qualifies. At this point I don’t know that trying to figure out an ‘objective’ trigger is something you should be doing before you get this problem looked at.

    2. ThatGirl*

      If something is either getting worse or not getting better after x amount of time, I’d say it qualifies, especially if it’s affecting your quality of life.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Yes—came here to day this. Specifics will vary from person to person, but the general trend and its impact on your life are clear indicators of whether you should go to a doctor.

        Feeling rundown for months is something that bears investigating, for sure.

    3. Elkay*

      If I have something bigger than a cold for more than a week I go to the doctor. However I live in a country with free healthcare at the point of delivery. I’ve been to my GP 4 times in the last 6 weeks for the same issue, we just keep trying treatments until something works. I don’t know the intricacies of the US health system so I don’t know if that’s a viable approach for you.

      1. Anonymouse*

        I think that’s what I’m scared of in a way. I have great health insurance, but can barely scrape together the cost for a copay and round of testing. The thought of having to do multiple visits and spending hundreds of dollars to no have an answer is almost more terrifying to me than just sucking it up.

        The cost factor definitely changes the way that people over here make decisions about seeking care I think (or at least I see a big difference between my wealthier / higher SES friends and those that grew up in poverty), which is where my general question stems from.

        1. fposte*

          Keep in mind that this is not an all-or-nothing scenario. You can go to the doctor for a visit and say no to lab tests. You can go to the doctor and say you don’t have much money–what one or two lab tests would she say are the most worth doing? You can say things aren’t so bad that you desperately need an answer–you just want to rule out the likeliest things that it’s the easiest to change.

          It can feel like a merry-go-round, but you have the right to step off at any stage of the circle.

          1. Sled dog mama*

            Fposte is always so wise! This is a great metaphor!
            Remember that what your doctor tells you are recommendations he or she can’t make you do any of it.
            Also that you don’t have to have lab work done where they recommend you can shop around for the best price and some places will cut you a discount on your portion of copays if you ask.
            We had to take my daughter to get staples in her head after she took a tumble last year (no urgent care nearby which would have been a $50 copay) so we knew we were going to have the $200 ER co-pay, as my husband was taking care of registering he asked what kind of prompt payment discounts they offered and was told that if we could pay our copay before leaving they would discount it 50%. Just ask!

          2. Book Lover*

            The problem with this (and to be clear, I think she should go to her doctor) is that feeling rundown isn’t a no lab test thing. If she can’t get lab work, probably little to do – obviously can check blood pressure and heart rate, listen to heart and do an overall check, but this is a lab test kind of issue. I would check for anemia, check kidney and liver function, check thyroid, consider checking cortisol, along with b12 and maybe vitamin D though that is controversial.

            1. fposte*

              Sure, that’s what you do if you have money for all that, and they certainly will default to ordering a bunch at once. But you don’t have to. You can ask, based on your history, which ones offer the most bang for the buck. The challenge is that the blood draw has a cost in its own right, so you want to do as many as you can afford at once.

            2. Ktelzbeth*

              And sometimes panels are cheaper than a smaller number of individual tests, if the options are right. But I agree with everyone else. If you just don’t get better, it’s time to go to the doctor. The time frame is a little vague. A limb that feels broken–minutes to hours, maybe a day at the longest. A high fever that won’t break–a day or a few, depending on if you can keep fluids down. Feeling low level terrible all the time–once you realize you’ve had long enough to get over any standard illness. Sort of rules of thumb like that.

    5. Sled dog mama*

      If you can identify specific things that are contributing to how you feel that will help your doctor treat you, also if you can tell them a story that can help a lot too. If you can see a Nurse Practitioner or Physician Assistant that might also help as these practitioners are often able to spend a more time with each patient.

      What I mean by identify what’s contributing to how you feel is do you feel run down because you aren’t getting enough sleep and are you not getting enough sleep because when you lie down you have trouble breathing or you have to get up to pee six times a night or because your mind is racing. Each cause of poor sleep would give your provider more information and help them narrow down possibilities. Most doctors will have difficulty with “I feel run down” but “I’m not sleeping well because I have to pee six times a night.” That’s something they can work with.
      Also don’t be afraid to ask how long it should take before you see improvement (should you expect to feel a lot better tomorrow or is it going to take a month), what other options exist if you don’t like the one they’ve given you, and most importantly what would be the next step if what they have suggested doesn’t work.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Oh something I wanted to add, some providers/insurers do a one co-pay per problem thing where if the problem isn’t fixed you’re still covered under that first co-pay for subsequent visits for the same issue but you often have to read the fine print of your insurance and get your doctor to bill a specific way to get that benefit.

      2. Sled dog mama*

        And one more thing if the next step is a medication or a different medication ask if they will prescribe without another office visit, then ask that they document that in your chart. This is a great way to save on copays. When I was first diagnosed with migraines the initial medication was not working so I called my doctor and since we had already discussed what to try next if the first option didn’t work he switched my meds without seeing me.

    6. LizB*

      Most health insurances I’ve had (and I’ve had insurance through a bunch of carriers over the years) include a free hotline where you can talk to a nurse and they can give you advice on whether to go see a doctor or not. That’s always my go-to when I’m not sure whether something is bad enough to warrant a visit. The number is usually listed on the back of my insurance card, or on the website.

    7. Combinatorialist*

      I had very similar symptoms — very run down for month, felt like my brain was in a fog. I went to the doctor who did blood work and it turns out I was B12 deficient. Which I was able to easily fix with B12 supplements and folic acid. Both are safe and over the counter (and my doctor told me you can’t have too much B vitamins). I really think you should go to the doctor (and am a much bigger proponent now), but if it really is a significant cost barrier, you could try B12 if the symptoms of that seem likely. It took me about a month of the supplement to feel better, but I do recommend the doctor if at all possible.

      1. Ron McDon*

        I don’t go to the doctors unless I really need to. I had been feeling vaguely unwell for a couple of months – exhausted, sore throat, just not myself – so I eventually went to the doctor.

        They did a blood test, turns out I was anaemic and deficient in b12.

        Took about 6 months of iron tablets and b12 supplements; my iron levels are now fine, but they’ve upped my dose of b12 as it is still showing as a bit low.

        My husband is also feeling really tired all the time; he hasn’t made an appointment yet, but I am pretty sure they’ll tell him it’s due to lack of good quality sleep from his awful snoring!

        Go to the doctor; if it is a vitamin deficiency it can be fixed quite easily with supplements, and it’s best to find out if there is a reason you’ve been feeling unwell.

        Good luck.

    8. FrontRangeOy*

      Anecdotes: My spouse developed what we both thought was a severe case of flu. Went to ER after 36 hours of high fever and chills to discover that spouse was in septic shock and probably would not have walked out of the hospital had we waited much longer to go in. Lesson learned: Don’t mess around with a high fever for more than 24 hours.

      One of my children randomly complained of a sore ear off and on in the mornings for a few days, in absence of any other symptoms of illness. Sent child to school. Picked child up from school end of day after 3 days of this, child very obviously sick – hollowed out eyes, dull, listless, feverish. Took child straight to doctor. Child had scarlet fever (these days a rarely seen result of an untreated strep infection)! Lesson learned: Feeling only a little bit unwell, for more than a day or 2, can be serious, even if I don’t think it is.

      Friend spent months tolerating vague GI discomfort and occasional acute abdominal discomfort. Saw doctor occasionally, everyone seemed to think it was some sort of stomach/allergy sort of thing. Goes to see top GI specialist in the area, is discovered to be in acute liver failure and 10 days later had a full liver transplant for a rare genetic condition. Lesson learned: Vague discomfort and not feeling well, over an extended period of time, can be an indicator of something serious.

      In general, what I’ve learned from the above examples and others not listed is that I’m willing to muck around for 3 to 5 days and if symptoms have not improved by that time, it’s time to see a doctor. You may not get an answer the first time you go in for vague complaints but over time, patterns emerge and something will be found.

    9. Thlayli*

      What you described definitely warrants a visit. The doc can do blood tests to find out why you are run down.

    10. nonegiven*

      What about a routine physical? That’s supposed to be part of our ACA thing. There is a list of tests they do and how often they can do them.

      Does anyone think those routine tests would be a place to start. Our insurance pays for this 100% as long as everything is done in network, not even a copay

      1. Slartibartfast*

        Absolutely those routine tests are a place to start. That’s going to cover anemia, elevated white blood cells if there’s an infection, basic liver and kidney function, diabetes, possibly thyroid. And even if it’s all normal, it’s valuable to have a baseline for future reference. Changes in blood values are far more useful than a single data point.

  33. Natalied*

    Baby shower games

    I’m hosting a baby shower for my best friend next month and we are planning on doing one or two baby shower games or activities. The rub is that this is an open house shower, so people will (presumably) be coming and going and there is no performative present opening part.

    What baby shower games do you actually enjoy or at least tolerate?

      1. fposte*

        Or you are a purveyor of untruths :-).

        I’m a sucker for madlibs, and there are some free online baby shower ones–I like the ones about old-timey advice (I see there’s one called “Old Wives’ Tales,” which may be the one I played at a shower once).

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Madlibs!!!! I loved those as a teen, when they were the IT thing. Of course, the fun in it was using all the dirty words or words we’d made up over the years. I actually bought some a couple years ago when I happened to see them in the store, but no one wants to play with me. Or I get, “What’s an adverb??”

        2. Natalie*

          Ooo, madlibs is a good idea! Maybe we could pin them up somewhere rather than read them given the open house aspect.

    2. Red Reader*

      Raffle type thing, have everyone put down a guess as to date and time of the birth and whoever’s closest gets whatever prize – someone has to keep track of the guesses until then, but it’s good for an open house because it doesn’t matter when people drop in their guess as long as she doesn’t go into labor mid-party :)

      1. Red Reader*

        Get fabric markers and have everyone decorate/sign a baby blanket? Baby food taste-testing? Just, for the love of whiskey, avoid the “candy bars melted into diapers” crap, pun only sorta intended. :-P

          1. Temperance*

            My youngest sister was pushing hard for us to do that at our other sister’s baby shower. It was the hill I chose to die on, and I do not regret it.

        4. Slartibartfast*

          We did that one at mine, except with baby food. Yes it was gross, but still better than “let’s all cut pieces of string and guess how big around Slartibartfast is!” Nothing says healthy body image like finding out your belly takes TWO YARDS of string to encircle it.

    3. WellRed*

      IWhat’s wrong with socializing, eating and opening presents? Of course,I hate games in general and especially those at showers ; ) please don’t do the guess the candy bar squashed in the diaper game.

      2. Parenthetically*

        This is my stance as well. I HATE party games, and particularly since there’s an “open house” component of this, games will be tough to do.

        If anything, I like the drawing idea with guessing the birth date/weight/whatever since people can write it down, or you could have a little book for people to write good wishes for the baby or family.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          Agreed. I’m not a fan of the games either.

          My friend recently had a shower for her daughter. What she did was have a diaper raffle. Anyone who brought a package of diapers received a raffle ticket. She then raffled off a gift basket that had scratch-off lottery tickets, a gift card and something else (snacks, I think).

          The other thing she did was set a timer while the gifts were being opened (it took SO LONG because the daughter got inundated with gifts and had to unpack every single gift bag, which of course had multiple items in it, so people could take pictures, etc.). Every time the timer went off, the person whose gift the daughter was opening got a prize.

        3. Natalie*

          I’m not really a game person either but the friend wants something. An activity (like decorating something) is probably more the direction I lean.

    4. Reba*

      You’ve been Natalied!

      I have done a famous baby trivia thing — e.g. GOOP’s kid is named A) Kiwi B) Jupiter C) Alpha D) Apple. Maybe that could be adapted into submitting answers over time as guests come and go, and draw winners later in the event?

    5. NB*

      This isn’t a game–it’s an activity. A friend did this for me at my shower, and I loved it. She had the guests make a shapes book for me. She gave each guest a sheet of stiff felt that she had three-hole punched ahead of time and a second sheet of regular felt. Each guest cut out a different shape (or several of the same shape) from the regular felt–hearts, diamonds, squares, circles, etc.–and glued it onto the stiff sheet. Then she laced all the pages together with ribbon. You could just leave the finished product for the new mom, but my friend took it home with her until the baby was born. She personalized the cover with my baby’s name. I loved cuddling with my little girl and turning the pages with her of this gift my friends had made for her. This kind of activity would work well at an open house.

      You could also do one of those guess-how-many-[rubber duckies, baby socks, whatever]-are-in-this-jar games.

    6. Piano Girl*

      My sister took lines from famous children’s books and we had to come up with the title of the book. Fairly nerdy, but fun.

    7. Pollygrammer*

      Painting onesies is always fun. I’m very proud of the one I made for a friend at a shower that just says “I Can’t Read.”

    8. all aboard the anon train*

      I despise anything cutesy.

      If I have to tolerate a game, I like bingo cards or raffles. I went to one baby shower where the raffle asked you to guess how many onesies or books or other items you thought would be given as gifts.

      The one I really did enjoy was a friend had a bunch of blank storybook pages with a color that you could draw a picture on. So for the storybook page that said “Red is for _____”, you’d pickup a red crayon/marker/colored pencil and draw something that was red and label it – “Red is for apple”. She made a book out of it later. The pages were left in an open area so you could decide whether or not you wanted to draw something.

      Also, can I just say, if you’re doing anything with prizes, make sure they’re generic things like chocolate or amazon gift cards or whatever. I’ve definitely been to some that give things like Babies R Us or kid’s clothes/etc as prizes, which imo is stupid because there’s always people there who don’t have kids.

    9. Little Bean*

      We played Taste the Cake at my sister’s baby shower. We are a family of bakers, so I made 3 different kinds of cupcakes and everyone had to guess what flavors were in each. They got little cards to write down their guesses. I think I made it a little too hard as almost no one was even close but I think everyone had fun!

    10. Pat Benetardis*

      Admittedly, not a fan of shower games. The only one I think is ok is baby gift bingo. Since you’re all just watching the mom to be opening presents anyway.
      The worst game I ever saw was something where little chocolates were slightly melted (To resemble poo) and you were supposed to guess which type of candy it was. Gross.

    11. A Worker Bee*

      The only baby shower I’ve been to, the friend who organized it had put a lot of diapers into a large basket and we all took a guess on how many there were and of course the winner got a prize. She also had a huge decorated construction paper that we all could write a message on for the baby.

    12. Applesauced*

      A onesie decorating station can be fun – get a bunch of solid onesies in various colors and sizes, and lay them out with iron on patches, fabric markers, puff paint….

    13. Triplestep*

      I come from an era where baby showers did not have games, and it sounds like games will be hard to do at an open house shower anyway. The best thing I ever organized for a baby shower was to put together a book of advice from the guests. You provide index cards on which people hand write their baby advice, and then you place them all into the plastic pages of a photo album for either 3 x 5 or 4 x 6 photos. (These used to be called “brag books” before everyone started just showing pictures on their smart phones.)

      You can tell people in advance that you’re doing to do this so they can start thinking about what they might write; we asked for advice that was “helpful and upbeat” or something like that. (I can’t believe the way a pregnancy turns some people into killjoys: “You’ll be up all night!” “Say good-bye to your sex life!” “you’ll be sticky for years!” We wanted none of that kind of “advice” so we tried to say as much.) We just provided the cards, pens, instructions and a basket to collect the cards in, then put the book together later.

      One last note: It seems like this format would lend itself to collecting thoughts and wishes for the parents and baby; you can do that too, but I find that puts a lot of pressure on people. It’s easier to ask for helpful, down to earth advice than to put all your hopes for a baby on an index card.

    14. Jersey's mom*

      Get a handful of little jars (baby food size!) and partially fill each one with a white powder – salt, sugar flour, cornstarch, baking soda, baking powder, etc. Put a number on each jar. Each guest gets a piece of paper to guess what is in each jar. If this is a non-cooking savvy crowd, you can put a list of the white powders, so then guests just need to match them up with jar numbers. Prize for winner. If multiple people guess correctly, then pull the winner from that bunch.

  34. Anonymous Ampersand*

    Ex told me this week that he’s dating.

    So that was weird.

    Mixed feelings. I’m mainly relieved because he seems pretty serious about it and that seems to put the final stoppers on any chance he’ll suddenly want to try again with me (this seemed highly unlikely anyway but it’s nice to know it’s even less likely now). He said in January that he was not even vaguely thinking about dating ever. I was sceptical and apparently they started dating only a few weeks after that….. HOWEVER I’m pretty sure that when they started dating was actually only a few days after he said that (evidence I don’t want to say online though).

    (It’s an ex of his from years ago and I know he was devastated when they spilt and it felt weird when he friended her on Facebook.)

    He hasn’t told Small Child yet but apparently that’s coming soon. I think that will hit the poor kid hard.

    Meanwhile I’m quite happy with the idea of Never Dating Again. I’m straight, but I cannot actually imagine ever wanting to be with a man again.

    Stuff is moving on. Small Child finally told me last night just how much he misses Before. Poor kid. I should be moving back home soon thank God. I got my job in the restructure and things are going pretty well. It’s just weird to think he’s moved on so quickly. I know it’s because he never really deals with anything, he just locks it in a box and pretends it didn’t happen. But it’s weird when I’m still processing the years and layers of hurt (weird and disturbing dreams being part of that) and he’s all like “la la la I’m over you and I’ve moved on”.

    Life: It’s Weird.

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      That went weird because I started speculating about whether I’d ever date a woman and then decided that was irrelevant and highly unlikely and not worth considering. Hence the non sequitur about being straight.

      Also, *split not spilt

    2. Diluted_Tortoiseshell*

      My only recommendation is that you have a frank conversation to ex about when he brings small child into his relationship. You can and should have some say in how serious they are before child is introduced.

      My sister had a kid and went through a few boyfriends. She fully incorporated each into her small childs life and even encouraged her child to refer to them as dad. Each one left and it was just one more abandonment for small child. That child is much older now, but my poor nephew really struggles with abandonment issues. He doesn’t understand why he doesn’t have a “Daddy” like everyone else. It would have been better if he never had all those daddies leave him in my opinion.

      1. Emilie*

        I second this so very much!
        I had friends during my childhood who went through this, and they were devastated every time this new grown up left them! Sometimes they even lived with their step siblings for years, and then… Bam. They dissapeared out of their lives.
        My parents divorced when I was 11, and I’ve only ever met the partners that they’ve been with for 12 and 11 years now. No people they were “dating”. And I honestly think this has spared me so much confusion and sadness.

      2. AnonForThisOne*

        I jumped enthusiastically into the dating pool after my husband and I split, when kiddo was about 5. I would introduce any new fella as “my friend Fergus,” I’d watch like a hawk to see how they got along with kiddo, and I never, ever, described a fella as “your new dad” or something similar. Ew. I always let any relationship between a Fergus and kiddo kind of grow organically. Also, I didn’t let any Fergus move in until it looked like marriage was on the horizon with the guy I eventually married. By that time, kiddo was almost done with high school. He and Last Fergus get along great, and kiddo and I are kinda living happily ever after.

        But Dad, on the other hand, entered into a disastrous (and thankfully short-lived) second marriage a couple of years after our divorce was final. Kiddo was pretty traumatized. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Dad really put himself ahead of kiddo, prioritizing this romantic relationship over his relationship with kiddo. He and kiddo do not have a great adult relationship at this point.

        TL;DR: While childhood is temporary, your kids are forever, and a parent should check themselves before a Fergus wrecks themselves.

      3. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Thank you to you all. That really helps. He does seem to say Small Child is his main priority and he wants to be very slow and cautious with this… but, yeah. Five minutes ago he wasn’t ever going to date anyone ever again ever. It’s helpful to get other people saying that actually yeah I get a say in how this plays out.

        1. Triplestep*

          There’s so much upheaval in the first year after a split, and he has started in with someone pretty quickly. You’d be well within your rights to say Small Child does not get introduced to New Person yet. IMO, that would not be making Small Child a priority. Lots of parents who split establish rules around this that they both follow, and your intentions to date (or to NOT date) do not need to play in to any discussion about this. They are not pertinent.

          Like AnonForThisOne above, I also dated enthusiastically after my divorce, and my kids (ages 3 and 9 at the time) were never going to meet any of those guys until it was serious. They only met one person, and I married him.

          I’m sorry you’re having to think about this.

    3. Mallows*

      I rather doubt he has moved on. I have seen so many men (yes, yes, women too perhaps but I don’t date women) start up a relationship immediately after a divorce when clearly they are still hung up on their exes. It’s all about white noise and filling the space the ex left. That’s all well and good if they are honest about it, but often they aren’t. A man who says he won’t even think about dating in January and is dating one person exclusively three months later is probably going to drive the other person bonkers with his drama and damage and woundedness.

      2. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Ok yeah I think you’re totally spot on. I think he does believe his own hype but I don’t think for a minute he’s actually over it. I think he’s just decided she was always the one who got away and now they’re all star crossed. She’s got a kid who’s already met him :-|

    4. RestlessRenegade*

      I know the feeling of never really wanting to date again. I do want another relationship someday and expect to get back in the dating pool sometime, but it’s hard to imagine actually doing that and most of the time I don’t want to.

    5. Belle di Vedremo*

      Life: It’s Weird.

      Agree with this, knowing that weird covers the gamut from awful to wonderful. These markers in moving on are definitely weird experiences.

      Glad to hear that your job is now secure again.

      You’ve accomplished so much!

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Imagine a Scale Of Stupidity that goes from 1 to 10.

      Checking out the new girlfriend’s Facebook profile is about a million in that scale, yes?

      I looked at his too. As of when he told me about her, he’s now down as in a relationship with her on fb.

      All it’s basically proved is that I couldn’t be more different to her. And that I’m not jealous of her (or of him being in a shiny new relationship) or regretful of having ended it or anything. But I’m very very sad, and also, pretty pissed off. We’ve not even got our decree nisi yet, although the papers are filed. And he’s already Facebook official.

      Hey ho.

  35. Diluted_Tortoiseshell*

    So I am really upset about a work event that happened Friday. I even dreamed about it last night.

    My weekend thread question is: how do you let the week go and keep it from ruining you sparse me time on the weekend.

    1. Junior Dev*

      Can you do something fun amd distracting today? For me I’d probably go on a bike ride. Could be seeing a friend, going to a Saturday street market/farmer’s market, going to see a movie, whatever you enjoy.

    2. Dinosaur*

      I refuse to let it take up space in my brain. If I find myself ruminating about it, I get up and do a few things that are self-care for me (cleaning my shower, cooking a nice lunch, doing some yoga, etc). If I do all of that and I’m still fixated, I’ll journal it out and then just leave it all there on the page so it’s out of my brain. If it still keeps popping up throughout the weekend that means that I have to do something about whatever it was that upset me, like talk with my superior or bring it up in therapy.

      I don’t know if any of those things could help you, but I wish you luck and I hope you get to have a restorative weekend.

    3. Notthemomma*

      I clean like a madwoman! Loud ‘80’s music, windows open, or at least cracked for fresh air, and put energy into doing something while literally scrubbing my bad week away. I like cleaning though, and I feel pretty refreshed that they didn’t drag down my weekend.

  36. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    Nothing huge to report here.

    Got a hair cut on Thursday. Went from middle of my back to a teensy bit longer than shoulder length. My hair has been all lengths and colors, so I’m no stranger to it. But it’s been years since I switched it up so I was a little nervous. I absolutely love it!

    A laid back Easter weekend with my mom. We’re planning on spending the whole weekend eating and watching TV. I suggested, perhaps, we go for a stroll around the block at least once if we were going to be slugs for a solid 48 hours.

  37. Sled dog mama*

    MIL, FIL and two nephews visited last night, they stopped on their way to the beach for nephews spring break. I usually enjoy seeing my nephews but not so much this time. My inlaws are usually very “put the technology down, you may have it in the car” so after the seven hour car ride they had to get to us both boys are glued to their devices playing games, watching videos and texting all evening (12 year old got a cell phone for Christmas and has a laptop for school, 10 year old has a tablet for school). So of course my 4 year old is going bonkers, both over watching their screens and trying to get them to pay attention to her. I almost feel bad that we limit her to 30 minutes of screen time (must be watched with a parent) 5x a week, almost. I wanted to strangle my nephews and then when I reminded my daughter that she had already used her screen time for the day so she couldn’t watch a video after dinner my younger nephew looked at me like, well like I’d killed a puppy or something.
    I’m grumpy because my doctor has me on a restricted diet for the next two months to rule out migraine food triggers but apparently my husband thought that having a dinner his wife could eat was less important than having things his nephews would eat and my MIL had to comment on every bite I ate (just like she always does, i can more easily put up with the expected comments than, last nights “why aren’t you eating” “ um the person whose turn it was to make dinner chose not to cook things I could eat”)
    My daughter slept on the floor in the guest room with her grandparents so the boys could have her room and this morning she comes down to give me a hug since I was leaving for work when I picked her up she reeked of perfume so I asked her did she have on perfume. MIL says “oh she insisted on being sprayed.” Ugh!!!! How many times have we had the conversation that I have scent triggered migraines. I send you unscented detergent, which you won’t use, since you insist on washing my child’s clothes when she visits. I asked nicely that you not put lots of scented candles around when we visit. You know I will not visit your other son’s house because his wife insists on having multiple scented candles in every room and took offense when I asked if maybe she could scale it back for the once a year I visited them. Knowing all this you douse my kid in perfume and don’t mention it!
    So now I can feel the migraine starting which really sucks because I have a meeting this afternoon I really needed to go to.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Ugh, this sounds so stressful! Gentle internet hugs if you want them.

      One of my dear friends and her husband basically just decided that his folks are off their list for watching or being alone with the kids because in-laws just WILL NOT abide by any request, however reasonable or necessary, and it’s really frustrating and difficult to manage for them.

      Sorry your weekend is off to such a rough start and I hope it gets better.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        She’s like this towards everyone, even wait staff which is why I refuse to eat out with her

    3. Anono-me*

      I don’t understand your husband or in-laws thought process and you are being way kinder to everyone than I would be.

      I am appalled at how you are being treated in your own home and at the example being set for your nephews and your child.

      My reaction would be strong and posibly very unkind. But since you are a nice person, what about sending a couple of old outfits to grandma’s house forever. ( Or let grandma buy cloths for at grandma’s house.) That way when your granddaughter goes over, you only have at most one outfit to wash when she comes back.

      Feel better.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        I tried the keeping clothes at grand ma’s house she just packs them up and sends them back since kids grow so fast.

    4. Agnodike*

      Your in-laws sound exhausting. I hope you feel better soon and I hope your husband gets on Team You even sooner.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        In his defense I have only been on the diet a week so he’s still adapting and did apologize profusely when he realized. I was upset that he didn’t jump in a shut his mom down since my lack of eating was his fault.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Oh hun, go visit reddit’s JustNoMIL section. You’ve got a husband problem as well as a MIL problem, and those people there can help.

    6. valentine*

      You can have the same 30-minute rule for your nephews or any other child while they’re in your house, but maybe you’d like a migraine-free staycation while they go camping. You can also set up a search station at your door and confiscate scented stuff your in-laws smuggle. Send your daughter to MIL in expendable clothes and keep baby wipes and an outfit for her in your vehicle when you pick her up, for a quick hazmat and wardrobe change.

  38. Loopy*

    This week I realized how spoiled I am with Alison’s posting frequency and timing. It’s amazing to wake up (US east coast time) and always have a new post waiting. And have 2-3 more throughout the day.

    This may have ruined me for other blogs!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I’m having a hard time keeping up. If I find a *thing we don’t talk about on weekends* I feel like I’ll be very lucky if I get to look at the site during the day at all. Exthing didn’t care how much time we spent online but I can’t count on that in future.

      1. Loopy*

        I have days where I can’t check it but I like having multiple posts to binge on later when I do have time. It’s like a win-win.

  39. CatCat*

    I’ve become kind of obsessed with Turkish historical dramas. I’m totally hooked on Magnificent Century, which is a bit Tudors, but also a bit Real Housewives of the Ottoman Empire. I saw that Netflix has a several other Turkish historical dramas available that I am excited to check out now.

    I’m kind of a historical drama junkie anyway and now that I’ve exhausted Netflix’s various “British historical dramas based on the book” and “British period pieces,” I’m glad to see additional international offerings in the same vein!

    1. fposte*

      Oh, this is fascinating. Do you have Turkish connections, or did you just happen onto the Turkish stuff?

      I was thinking yesterday, as I burned my mouth on my microwaved soup, how people in Downton Abbey never had that problem–they’d be lucky if the food had any warmth by the time it got up to them.

      1. CatCat*

        Nope, I saw the picture of people in Renaissance era garb on the Netflix display, thought it looked like my kind of jam, and started watching it. I’m almost done with season 1.

        There is a lot culturally that I don’t understand about it so that has sent me looking up things about the Ottoman empire such as the meanings of various titles, the structure of the household, and some religious sayings and hand gestures. I’ve mostly just been on wikipedia, but learned a lot. Makes me want to know more though so I’m going to see if there are good books on the Ottoman Empire.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t have Netflix, but I’ll hunt around for other kinds of access–this sounds like a great way to get into history you don’t know so well.

    2. Lissa*

      Oh, that’s so funny! The other day I fell into a TVtropes hole and ended up reading the page on Magnificent Century and then that sent me to Wikipedia to google all kinds of things about the people involved and the Ottoman empire. Now I might have to actually watch it.

    3. Merci Dee*

      If you’re getting into international historical drama, check out some of the offerings from Korea. Historical K-drama has some really great shows going, and some of the most popular series have 60, 70, or 80 episodes available. The dramas are typically set during the Joseon dynasty, which lasted from approximately 1392 through 1897. So a lot of time these shows can cover without tripping over each other.

      If you get into this genre, pay attention to the costumes, especially the hanbok worn by the women. Hanbok are the traditional dress worn in Korea, and feature full-skirted dresses with shortened jackets that stop just under the bust, all in beautiful and vibrant colors. The basic design of the hanbok traces back to the 3rd century BCE, and they are still worn today for important holidays and ceremonies. There’s a heck of a lot of history and tradition in the clothes, even without the historical scripts for the series! :)

        1. Merci Dee*

          I’m pisting a link to some of the better dramas in a separate message. Full disclosure: I haven’t watched more than an episode or two of any of these. I work for a company headquartered in Korea, so I’m familiar with the names of a couple of the shows because some of the younger Korean-American employees will talk about them occasionally. The one I’ve heard the most about is Moon That Embraces the Sun. But, really, the descriptions of all of them sound pretty good.

      2. CatCat*

        Thanks for the suggestion! I would love to check these out. I admit that one thing I love about period pieces is seeing the clothing of the times!

    4. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Ooh, that sounds interesting! I’ll have to keep that in mind for, er, when I have stable Internet access again, lol.

      I personally can’t stand him (and I seem to be very much in the minority on that), but Hindi film director Sanjay Leela Bhansali has done some historical movies that you might like, and even some of his contemporary films kind of feel like period pieces, with very elaborate sets and costumes. Not sure if they’re on Netflix, though.

  40. Kat*

    Two weeks till I go to Berlin! Alone! I’ve pretty much sourced a decent number of coffee/lunch places, and one possible dinner option, but I could do with a few more evening food suggestions (for a solo traveller), plus maybe any good bars or places to go in the evening alone? I’m female, so I’d be OK with chatting to others but want to also be safe. Equally I don’t want to spend my evenings in my hotel room! Any recommendations welcome :)

        1. The German Chick*

          Not too sure about places in Tiergarten, Mitte can be rather tourist- and business-oriented. Berlin and Germany in general are very safe, you can use public transport at night. In Kreuzberg, 3 Schwestern, Max&Moritz and Obermaier are nice options for German food. Cevicheria and Chicha are nice Peruvian options. I also like Big Sur (Run by an English-speaking team), Ssam (Korean BBQ), and Life (Japanese Non-Sushi on Maybachufer). Cosmic Comedy Club at Rosa Luxemburg Platz Does weekly American Stand-Up Comedy nights. If you’re looking for other specific recommendations, let me know. Have fun!!

    2. Emilie*

      Burgermeister is worth a visit. It’s a burger joint in an old toilet building under the U-bahn tracks in the middle of an intersection, and the food is great if you’re a burger kind of person!
      Unsicht Bar is pricy, but such an experience! You dine in the dark. The waiters speak english.
      Ixthys is a korean restaurant with bible quotes on the walls (hence the name). It’s a bit of an experience and the food is great.
      Shiso Burger is an asian fusion burger restaurant. Very interesting concept and the food is lovely.
      KaDeWe (shopping center) is worth a visit, and has a lot of dining options on the pricier side on the top floor.
      And don’t cheat yourself out of having a döner kebab. Or a curry wurst. It’s a part of the experience.
      In general, Berlin is a city to eat your way through.

      Sadly, I seem to have tossed my notebook with notes on things to see and places to be in Berlin, but the Beate Uhse Erotik Museum (the name sort of gives the theme of the place away) is pretty fun. And the Natural Museum is a must, and is open until 6pm. They have the world’s ugliest taxidermy ocelot.

      I don’t have a lot of experience with bars in Berlin. I’ve only ever been to Barbie Deinhoff’s, which is a queer bar (lovely place, very pink). I think they have happy-hour-tuesdays.

      1. Caledonia*

        I second burgermeister. Yum.

        And definitely go get your photo taken in one of the many street photo booths!!

    3. First time buyer*

      I really liked maximilians its traditional German food a bit touristy but still worth a look for dinner.

  41. ScoutFinch*

    Thought I’d give a laugh to our UK peeps.

    On NPR, we have updates from the BBC hourly or so. Driving in to work one morning, the BBC commentator identified himself. I thought “How cool is that name!”

    Imagine my dismay when Google identified the man as Rob Hugh-Jones, not RockYou Jones.

    American ears —-sheesh!

    2. Circus peanuts*

      I misheard a NPR reporter’s name as Whizzer Johnson for quite some time. It’s actually Windsor Johnston. Somehow the stories were more exciting when I thought they were from someone named Whizzer.

  42. Casuan*

    Hello, y’all!!
    How are you folks doing?

    Grammar debate!!

    Whilst we’re on the subject, what do ya’ll folks think of “y’all” & “[you] folks”?
    -Do you use the terms?
    -If not, what term do you use for second-person plural?
    -Is the usage regional?
    -Do you equate either of with a certain region &or educational level?
    -Does it depend on with whom you’re communicating?
    -Are “y’all” & “you folks” interchangeable?

    To answer my own questions, sometimes I use “y’all” & I rarely use “you folks.” I prefer “y’all” to “you folks” because unless you’re with the Scooby Doo gang talking with the old personable will-soon-be-unmasked caretaker then “folks” usually makes me cringe. I don’t know why.

    I used to equate the terms, especially “y’all” with the South although I think they’re more mainstream than that & other than that I’ve never noticed that a particular demographic uses the pronouns more or less than others. I don’t use the pronouns in my professional communications although others do; now that I think of this more they seem to do so during conversations & not written communiqués.

    1. Ok*

      Don’t, never had. Just seemed lazy to me. But the occasional use doesn’t bother me. It’s the constant use as if the speaker can’t/won’t acknowledge the individuals.

      1. Fiennes*

        So everyone who speaks Spanish/German/Italian/any of the umpteen languages with a second person plural is lazy?

    2. To your point*

      I use y’all a lot (I’ve lived my entire life in the northeast) or you guys. I really dislike the word folks for some reason so I don’t use it.

    3. Red Reader*

      I “y’all” regularly. I grew up in Michigan, so I have no idea if it’s regional or not. I wouldn’t use it in super formal language, either written or spoken, but in a more relaxed setting, anything goes. (I have used it in emails on occasion, but I tend to be somewhat informal even in my emails, unless I’m emailing up the org chart farther than my boss.)

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Not entirely regional to Michigan, because that’s where I’ve lived my whole life and every time my cousin-worker from Tennessee says ya’ll, our students all comment on it. I don’t use it at all.

    4. Reba*

      “You folks” doesn’t sound especially strange to me, but I wouldn’t use it. I do say “folks” occasionally but it’s not something I grew up with (Kentucky).

      Y’all is fine any time! :) Probably not in formal written communication.

      My BIL teases me about it and especially the possessive forms “your all’s” or “y’all’s”

    5. Dinosaur*

      I say “y’all” and just “folks” but not “you folks”. I use it with everyone because it’s not gendered. I’m from the PNW, so nowhere near the south.

    6. Former Librarian*

      From the southeast. I’ve said y’all my entire life and think the alternatives are strange. I have 2 Masters degrees.

    7. Parenthetically*

      I say “y’all” and “folks” but not “you folks” — it was “you guys” where I grew up (plains state), but I rarely use it anymore. I live in the south now, so y’all is SO ubiquitous that I don’t associate it with education in any way. I even hear Aussie friends saying “y’all” — it’s just incredibly useful as an element in spoken English and since we stupidly no longer have a single-word second person plural for some reason, I think it’s heading toward wider usage.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I use y’all but not in everyday conversation, mostly when I’m being facetious. I probably use it more online than in verbal conversation. For reference, I’m in southern Missouri, where it’s not really a thing, though I had an ex who used to say you’uns (he was SUPER rural).

    9. Fiennes*

      I’m originally from the south, and I use y’all. A second person plural is handy, as virtually every language other than English knows.

      When I went to college up north, my dorm mates spent the first week making fun of me for saying y’all…and the rest of the semester saying it themselves.

      1. Natalie*

        English used to have other second-person words (ye, thee, thou) including distinction between singular and plural, but they fell out of use.

    10. Lady Jay*

      I am HERE for y’all any day, and I’m not even from the south. I love it because 1) it refers to “all of you, 2) without gendering (e.g. “you guys”), and 3) is short/easy/smooth to say. It’s my personal life goal to make y’all more widely used.

    11. Merci Dee*

      I’ve lived all my life in the southeast, so “y’all” is firmly entrenched in my vocabulary. As many have noted, this is a convenient word for the second person plural; however, I have noticed that a number of people use “y’all” as more of a singular option, and adopt “all y’all” as the plural form. I’m guilty of this occasionally, especially when I’m mad and my southern and country are coming out in equal degrees. Nobody has ever had problems interpreting what I’m saying.

      Example: “Girl, I don’t know what the problem is, but y’all can take your prissy attitude right the hell home, and if y’all bring your sisters back up here, I’ll kick all y’all’s asses!”

      1. LilySparrow*

        *snort*
        I was going to mention “all y’all” but you beat me to it.

        “All y’all” is also useful when distinguishing subsets and a larger group: “Y’all on the left say, hey. Y’all on the right say, ho. And then all y’all wave your hands…”

        Another usage would be to emphasize not just a generalized “you,” but “every single one of you.”

        “I can’t believe y’all are standing here telling me that you don’t know how this mess got here? Well, I’m telling you, all y’all better get to cleaning it up.”

      2. Fiennes*

        I’ve lived most of my life in the South and have never heard y’all used in the singular. Sometimes it’s said to one person, but in context is meant to also refer to a person or people not present. Whereas “all y’all” means “absolutely everybody to whom this could apply.” Seriously, I’ve heard zero evidence of this shifting.

    12. periwinkle*

      I grew up near Washington, DC. “Y’all” is a normal part of my vocabulary. I would not use it in professional communications except when emailing with people I know well enough to merit using casual language. Once in a while I’ll deploy the word strategically, such as at the start of a team meeting when I saw my boss trying to get everyone’s attention. “Y’all hush!”

      It would be handy to have an encompassing, gender-neutral second person plural equivalent to “y’all” but without the casual connotations.

    13. LilySparrow*

      I am Southern and have always said y’all, except when I lived up North and was trying to blend in. Then I said “you” or “you all” or “guys,” but “hey, guys” was pretty much the non-Southern default at the time.
      I use y’all in informal, social, and low-key professional speech, and in informal writing.

      I can’t think of any real-life situation where I’ve seen or heard “you folks” used. Ever. It sounds like a line from Our Town.

    14. Hrovitnir*

      Haha, well, I use ya’ll a bit and I’m from NZ. >_> I started using it in written conversations (as noted, English could do with a second-person plural), and at this point I say it out loud. I associate it with southern US but I like it.

      I do *not* like the word folks, for no apparent reason, so I don’t use it and I’ve barely heard it used. If I did I’d interpret it as interchangeable with ya’ll/you guys (but not gendered so I appreciate that can be a reason people like it).

    15. Weekend Warrior*

      I heard “yez” in rural Ontario, similar to “youse” in parts of the US. Tempted to use it in downtown Toronto but held off!

      As a Canadian, y’all doesn’t sound natural but “you all” is used. I really like the “vous autres” usage in Quebec.

    16. Triple Anon*

      I think English needs a second person plural. I’m in favor of y’all. I don’t say it very often, though, because I’m not from a region where it’s used. Instead, I say “you all”. I grew up speaking some German and French, so the lack of a second person plural in English has always felt awkward to me.

    17. Lindsay J*

      The only time I have ever used “you folks” or even “folks” was when it was part of my sales script at work.

      I use y’all a lot now that I’m in Texas.

      Prior to that I used “you guys”. Actually, I still use “you guys” as well.

      I consider y’all to be Southern. I grew up in the North East and nobody up there that I knew used it. I don’t think it correlates with education level.

      My word usage does not depend on who I am communicating with. I’ve found myself using “y’all” and “you guys” in the same email.

      I consider y’all and you guys to be interchangeable.

      I do use them in work communication, including with directors and CEOs in emails. But I probably wouldn’t use them in a cover letter or similar.

  43. nep*

    A friend has a cat that recently had a litter of one. How common is that?
    My mom wants to get a kitten and we were in touch with this friend about taking one once the litter came. The owner’s not sure who papa cat is and it might be a close relative. We’re thinking of just avoiding it altogether — from what I read there could be health issues if the male was a sibling or even YIKES offspring.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Litter of one–I believe that sometimes happen when it’s the cat’s first litter, so probably not uncommon.

      As for heritage, there’s no way of knowing if the parents are related to each other unless you’re going to a reputable breeder, in my opinion. And even then, where did the breeder get her first two cats to breed? Does she know that the two cats aren’t related?

    2. StudentA*

      I’ve actually never heard of or seen that happening. I wonder if it’s her first birth and if that is a factor. I didn’t realize the tendency of health problems when the parents are related. Makes sense though.

    3. Rogue*

      The first female cat I had growing up and one kitten for her first litter. The kitten was as healthy as can be. I think it’s fairly common, especially for a first litter.

    4. Can't Sit Still*

      I rescued a kitten whose family tree probably resembled that of Charles II of Spain, and his biggest issue when he was young was a mild heart murmur, which didn’t require any treatment. He was not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, but was incredibly affectionate. He looked like an overgrown kitten his entire life. Not-smart cats tend to injure themselves a lot more than others, in rather spectacular ways, but intelligence and not-hurting-themselves in an idiotic fashion isn’t guaranteed with a non-inbred cat, either.

      Strictly speaking, linebreeding is generally only hazardous to the offspring if it goes on for multiple generations. It’s usually OK the first generation or so, unless there’s something really nasty hiding in the recessive genes.

      2. Merci Dee*

        Yikes.

        I had to look into Charles II, since you mentioned him. Looking at his family tree back for 6 or 7 generations was interesting. It was certainly…. entangled. It reminded me of a comment I’d heard some years ago with relation to royal pedigrees – it doesn’t look like he had a family tree so much as he had a family pole.

        Straight, with no branches.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Look at Cleopatra’s family tree too. Even worse than Charles II’s. But she was beautiful, intelligent and strong willed, so her genes must have served her well.

          When you take the morality out of it by breeding animals instead of people, line breeding is a very useful technique that you have to be careful with. It concentrates characteristics both good and bad. So you can get chicken that lay more eggs, or you can end up with birds with crooked legs. The breeder has to be fairly ruthless about not breeding the animals with problems i.e. culling.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      It happens, especially with young cats. And if possible, mom & baby should be spayed/neutered when appropriate :)

    6. Lindsay J*

      I mean a lot of animals are bred to close relatives a lot of the time. It’s called line breeding. That is how more desirable traits such as speed for race horses, certain appearances for dogs, etc, and bred for – you take the two fastest horses or the two longest corgis or whatever and breed them together, and if those two fastest horses happen to be a mare and her sire, then, well, so be it.

      There would only be health issues if the existing animals had health issues that were magnified. Say, the line of horses is fast, but it has weak ankle bones. Breeding one of them to another horse without weak ankle bones would mitigate the issue a bit so you might have not as fast, but you also have not as weak of an ankle bone. But breeding weak ankle bones to weak ankle bones will exacerbate the issue instead of mitigate it so you get double fast but also double weak ankle bones. (And with recessive traits it can be tricky, because you might not know the animal is carrying a bad gene, but potentially getting a double dose of it makes it more likely to express itself.) But it won’t spontaneously create health issues out of nowhere.

      And with any given cat off the street, it’s not likely much of anything is known about it’s parentage or it’s pedigree anyway.

  44. Lissa*

    There was a bit of talk about this and I mentioned doing an open thread discussion about it – so, income disparity between friends! I’m hoping without people one-upping or one-downing each other, since what’s “a lot” or “a little” varies so much regionally and I’m really more thinking about how one’s financial situation specifically compares to friends, which may have nothing to do with what it would be like compared to the general population. :)

    Most of my friends and I are late 20s/early 30s, living in an expensive city, renting, many of us without cars. We mostly met as broke students and a lot of us are still in that phase to some degree. kind of typical millennials in that most of us are unlikely to own property, and few of us have kids/are married. A few us are starting to do a bit better, which can occasionally cause some tension. I’ve been on both sides – barely able to make rent and not able to join friends for a gathering, and now doing a little better and usually can splurge on a nicer diner if I want to.

    There’ve been a few incidents of slight tension over the years with money. For instance we’ve had a food moocher who brings up being poor all the time, to people who are also poor, and yeah it is hard not to notice how much he drops on video games and figurines and then shows up and says he hasn’t eaten all day. (and yes I’ve read all the letters and know not to judge others’ spending habits!)

    I rarely will buy food or dinner out for people, and tend to take people at their word when they say they can’t afford something – there are times when I feel a bit guilty and think I should spot my friends when they’re in a tight spot, but I have seen that go south SO many times – the couple times I lent friends money in my mid-20s I always ended up noticing everything they bought until they paid me back, and since I couldn’t stop doing this, I figured I just would not lend others money anymore, even if it makes me a bit miserly. These also mostly happened when I wasn’t making more money than anyone.

    I’ve also got a couple of friends who, while their jobs aren’t necessarily amazing, have families of origin who are a bit better off than most, and I’ve struggled with resentment towards them, especially when they seem to be defensive or oblivious to the fact that this means they can do things I can’t. Like a friend who brings up defensively that her family isn’t rich even though people think that … but then they all take vacations noooo way I could afford, and it’s like OK I get it but it is still annoying to hear!

    Also, I think because my friends and I met when we were early 20s and had no money, we all talk way more openly about things like income level, rent, and general financial situation than I think is considered acceptable! Personally I really like that we do this, since I grew up without learning much if anything about anything financial, especially specific numbers.

    Anyway, just wondering what everyone’s experiences are on this topic, if financial disparity has caused problems in friendships and/or how people navigate it.

    1. neverjaunty*

      I think you’re entitled to judge other people’s spending habits when those people expect you to subsidize them. Video Game Friend griping about having no money for groceries is one thing, VGF hinting that maybe you should get appetizers for the table or who somehow never pays his share of the check is another.

      I don’t loan money to friends – that almost always goes south. Sometimes I will help friends out and tell them to pay it forward, because gifts can create resentment too when people feel that they owe you something they have no way to repay.

      Other than that, I think it just helps to be open about them and not wrap them in shame. “Doing X isn’t in my budget this week, what about Y?” or “Let’s go to NewRestaurant, my treat” work pretty well when everyone treats them as facts rather than implied statements about who’s a stick in the mud or who owes whom.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Cosigning on your last paragraph. My closest friends and I have been in wildly different places financially over the decade-plus of our friendship, so we’ve learned to just be totally honest. It’s a fact, not something to feel bad about, so we just don’t feel bad about it.

      2. Triple Anon*

        I agree. Other people’s finances are none of your business unless they choose to involve you. But it can be hard to handle it. I used to be nicer, but people would pull all kinds of manipulative stuff – guilt trips, prying into my own financial situation, repeating my advice to others out of context (“I don’t like Triple. They told me to stop buying video games.”) Then I realized that people who ask for money / transportation / food on a routine basis or without being in some kind of bad situation are often just not very nice people. Or, at best, they have issues that they should address in a serious way instead of involving friends. So now I just distance myself from anyone who does that.

    2. Overeducated*

      I think late 20s/30s is when it starts to get awkward more as people’s career tracks diverge. I had a similar standard of living to friends in my early 20s when we met in school, but my interesting but low market value grad degree got me a very average salary in a high COL city while similarly overspecialized spouse job searches (two body problem sucks). Meanwhile some of my friends are now starting to rake in surgeon and lawyer salaries in dual income households that give them TOTALLY different, and frankly much nicer and more, financial choices, like buying houses and going on huge trips. Though my spouse may soon get a job, the divergence is never going to,get better.

      Really the only way around it is to not do everything together, and make plans the lower income people can afford. They go to really nice restaurants with other people; we do things like cook brunch, go hiking, or have picnics together because we can’t even afford a babysitter right now, and maybe go out to eat every few months. I know that’s not what they want to do 100% of the time, but we’re not attached at the hip, so we just don’t spend every weekend together (nobody has time for that anyway) and it works out ok.

    3. buttercup*

      I’m also someone who started out my early 20’s as money-tight (I don’t necessarily want to use the term “poor”) when my friends were making more than me, and recently landed a better job that allows me to be middle-class, and now I make the most out of my friends. It works out for the most part because, fortunately, none of my friends are moochers or try to take advantage of me. I think it is important to plan activities that are all-inclusive and won’t force anyone to choose between spending too much money vs. not being included at all. To me, hanging out with my friends is priority over the activity, and I’m fine with doing things that are free/low cost so I get to hang out with them. I also generally don’t discuss my finances to my friends, and try to keep conversations about money at bay. I just don’t see the need to introduce potential resentment towards my current luck over there’s, when there is really nothing I can do about their current situations. I also never lend cash, though I occasionally cover the cost of drinks/dinner.

      I do sometimes have issues with one friend who always likes to talk about how she’s hard-done-by and underprivileged compared to other urbanites. She is the one who’s fire I try not to fuel too much by avoiding talking about finances. The truth is, we both come from middle-class familes and have college degrees, but she chose to study liberal arts…I think it’s unfair to equate her to someone who actually came from a socieioeconomically underprivileged background.

    4. all aboard the anon train*

      For me, it only started becoming awkward when people started buying houses or having kids because then I had a lot of “well, I have a mortgage and/or kids and I can still afford this!” when I begged out of certain events. But my married friends have two incomes, and I have one, and my friends with houses live in the less expensive suburbs while I live in a HCOL city.

      My resentment isn’t towards their financial status so much as the expectation that I should apparently have a lot of money to roll around in because I’m single and without a house or children. I think they just seem to forget that people without those things also have expenses and it’s not just spending money on whatever luxury I want.

      1. fposte*

        Whereas a lot of my friends are DINKS and I’m sometimes wistful about how much more money that means they have. (I know them well enough to know they really do–it’s just just a grass-is-greener thing.) It’s fortunately not an issue with daily spending, because we’re not that far apart there and we’re in an LCOL area so it’s hard to blow my budget on a restaurant meal, but they do more travel, that’s for sure.

    5. Ok*

      I just remind myself that most of these people probably have debt. And add to it for those nice vacations that I have never taken.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I actually feel like I’m on both sides of this, although it has never seemed to cause any problems. It’s more of a matter of feel self-conscious and awkward about it, which is all on me.

      I am married and childless by choice, have a nice income, husband has a good income, and we have a house. We’re in a lot of debt, but we’re usually able to take a vacation once in awhile (maybe every couple years?), like a trip to Vegas or a road trip to Williamsburg, VA, and can still pay our bills. We’re not that social, so a night out for us is dinner at the local diner and a run to the grocery store. My one indulgence is Def Leppard concerts, so I will usually save my money to splurge on good tickets.

      The few friends I have are generally less well off than I am and it’s mostly always been that way. Two were/are single working moms who barely made ends meet. Two were/are married with kids, but money is pretty tight. But they each have a house with their family and they’re making it. With these friends, I tend to feel really self-conscious about any money I spend. I realize I’m not spending hundreds of dollars on frequent spa days or anything like that, but I still feel like THEY feel bad that I can spend money and they usually can’t. But this is really all in my head. I’ve never actually felt judged.

      I have one friend who lives out of state and she’s pretty well off. We went to school together, but weren’t friends. She was Miss Popular and I…was the very opposite. We met up on social media several years ago and became good friends. Prior to having kids she made six figures and so did her husband. She now is a SAHM. They live in one of those planned communities (not gated, though), and her house is quite large. She uses an interior decorator. The kids go to a private preschool. She and her husband both drive new luxury cars. She has spa days with her many friends, shopping, dining, etc. She doesn’t ever flaunt it, but I still feel awkward about my financial situation (deep in debt) in comparison to hers. But again, it’s all in my head and I’ve never felt judged.

      I don’t know if any of this is actually useful. It’s more to say that I think it’s natural to have the feelings you’re having and there’s nothing wrong with it.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I agree with The Other Dawn.

        Before I started law school, both my husband and I worked. Although we made <40k combined, we budgeted wisely and could afford our annual vacation (camping trips to TN or CO) and paying off student and car loans. One of my friends is a SAHM mom of one, has never held a full-time job, and her and her husband built their second house and are renting out their first one. We always felt pretty money-strapped compared to them. That said, I have another friend who is a part-time music tutor/part-time children's pastor and her husband works a part-time retail gig. She is pregnant with their second child and they currently live in a apartment with a roommate in order to make ends meet.

        All three of us have very different situations. I think it's easy to compare and feel jealous or sympathy depending on the situation.

    7. Nacho*

      As somebody with a not great job whose family just gave him $100k to buy a new house, it’s awkward for us too. Whenever financial issues come up at work, I try to quietly stay out of the conversation, because I don’t really have anything to add to the people complaining about how we don’t make enough money. On the other hand, I’m sure it annoys some of my coworkers that I have more money than most of them combined, but I still talk about how buying a car is way to expensive for me.

      1. Overeducated*

        Honestly it has made me feel so much better when peers I know through work do things like buy houses in our hugely expensive cities that I couldn’t dream of and actually say it’s because their families gave them down payment money. Otherwise I worry that I’ve just been a huge financial screw up for years, because if they could do it on their own, why not me? I think staying out of the complaining is not a bad idea, but being honest about having other sources of money isn’t always bad!

        1. Triple Anon*

          I agree. It’s refreshing when people are honest about it, and when they don’t assume that everyone is in a similar situation. I don’t mean that it has to be a big announcement. Just when and if it comes up in conversation.

    8. HeightsHeifer*

      I have encountered some problems with income disparity, but nothing major. I’m early 30s, and within my closest group of friends, I bring in the highest income. If we count my household income to include my husband’s salary, we are within the top 10% for our city. However, we also live in the middle of our city (high rental costs), and have a combined total of about $100,000 in student loans. Most of my close friends have children, live in the suburbs, and have little to no school debt. This means our disposable income is very similar so we often have similar issues/complaints when discussing retirement, vacation plans, or large unexpected expenses.

      However, I do have a handful of friends that do not work and rely on their spouse’s income. I tend to feel jealous when they talk about remodeling their home or relaxing at the pool on a weekday. I don’t think I would feel the same if this this friend was working full-time because I can identify with that – I figure that my resentment comes from thinking they don’t “deserve” that lifestyle, even if they’re not in my face about it. I’ve learned that if I value the friendship, I have to realize that they’re not trying to show off and are just living the life they are able to.

    9. Thlayli*

      I think this is one of the reasons people stop talking about money as they get older. If it’s causing issues stop bringing it up and don’t get involved when it comes up. Ask people if they want to meet up at each other’s houses instead of going out all the time.

      I’ve been on both sides. As you go through life income goes up and down and spending goes up and down too, so your comparative levels of disposable income can vary massively as you get and lose jobs, move in with partners and break up, save for houses, get mortgages, have kids, take career breaks, have to pay childcare, go back to college, whatever. I’ve been the broke friend and the flush Friend. You just adjust to suit. If everyone wants to go out for dinner and you can’t afford it, you just don’t go, and maybe next time you suggest staying in. When we were all in “broke” mode we used To go to each other’s places all the time. Now we go out to nice places once or twice a year. You just roll with it.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I don’t think it’s about relative income levels, but about behavior in the relationship.

      Mooching is rude. If you truly need assistance, you have a serious private conversation about getting help, you don’t just show up on social occasions and whine until somebody treats you.

      Bragging about trips you know others can’t afford is rude. Borrowing money and not being conscientious about paying it back asap, is rude.

      If you’ve been treated to a dinner or an outing, you should reciprocate – not with similar expense, but with similar thoughtfulness. If you don’t reciprocate, or don’t allow others to reciprocate to you, that’s rude.

      There are rude rich people and rude broke people. In my experience, there’s no firm connection between income level or income disparity and rudeness.

      Also in my experience, late 20’s is when many folks start realizing that some of their friends aren’t growing out of bad habits or learning any manners. And they don’t have to stay friends with rude jerks.

    11. annakarina1*

      I definitely have been jealous before of my peers who have more money due to higher-income jobs or coming from well-off families. I come from a middle-class family, so I can’t complain, but I’ve always made just enough to support myself with a little left over, but not enough for a major savings account. Some peers who have gotten married or come from a rich background can afford to buy houses or go on multi-country trips while I usually felt that most of my income goes to rent, bills, and groceries without much left over for major things. I’m in my mid-30s, and can feel too old to be still earning the same salary I got five years ago while others had advanced further, but I know better that that is their life, and compared to when I was unemployed, I am doing much better personally.

    12. Temperance*

      This is something that I really struggle with. I grew up very poor; most of my childhood peers from my neighborhood are not doing well at all, comparatively. I’m now pretty comfortable (DINKs), but I still deal with some jealously relating to my current peers, who had more opportunities growing up, and who now have a better career than I do.

    13. Circus peanuts*

      I have friends that are all in different income brackets but most are around my income. I try not to judge about money issues but what gets me biting my tongue more than anything is some friends complete lack of retirement planning. They are smart people who have set aside nothing for retirement and think social security and a weak plan from our employer will be enough. I wish they would clear their debt and get a Roth or some kind of savings.

    14. TeapotAdvocate*

      My friends and I have very different incomes, with my best friend struggling and me being wealthy. We have very similar values, though, so I appreciate why her job choices mean she isn’t well off, and she thinks the way I spend my money is reasonable. We do activities we can both afford, although I’ve screwed up a couple of times on extra costs. But she’s then explained that to me and I’ve tried to avoid repeating the problem.

  45. StudentA*

    Looking for AAM reading material. What’s your favorite thread on here? I don’t care how old, as long as it’s captivating.

      1. WellRed*

        Yes! And how about the one where someone’s coworker set her up to be investigated by police so she could report domestic abuse? I still think that LW should sue.

        1. Not Alison*

          These are my top 2 for getting an update (of course, I would like the update for the bird one to be from the victim, which is unlikely as the letter writer was an observer to the whole thing and not the victim).

      2. Canadian Teapots*

        I still can’t get over that. Especially when the bird-phobic guy seemed to have no real understanding that it looked like he was trying to get out of owning responsibilty for badly injuring a co-worker, and the company didn’t seem to sufficiently grok that.

        No wonder the injured person basically threw up their hands and cut off all further contact. I really feel sorry for her.

  46. Some sort of Management Consultant*

    I’m awfully sad today.

    Basically, I figured out on Tuesday that I’m having a depression relapse when a friend and I booked Hamilton tickets and I barely cracked a smile.

    In a fit of adulthood I did the responsible thing and sent a message to my psychiatrist.

    And amazingly, in a turn of events that almost seem like fiction, my psychiatrist actually called me back on Wednesday.
    She’s usually a little hard to read, but she was so helpful. She made me an appointment to discuss things like a shorter sick leave or a medication change in a week and a half, which is basically tomorrow in psychatrist speed.

    She also told me that if I feel I can’t work, she can give me retroactive sick note for next week.

    So I have the plan, I’ve dealt with stuff as best as I can for this week but after Thursday and yesterday were better days, today is a bundle of sad.

    Sigh.

    1. Reba*

      LOL at “fit of adulthood.”

      Sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope that the meds and other adjustments help. Please hang in there and be kind to yourself today.

    2. Parenthetically*

      High fives and all my admiration for Doing The Thing.

      Your writing is so engaging. I hope you check in next week feeling much better.

      1. Some sort of Management Consultant*

        Really? Wow, that’s the nicest compliment I’ve gotten in weeks!

    3. King Friday XIII*

      Agreed that “fit of adulthood” is a phrase I’m keeping. It’s so great that you were able to identify how you’re feeling and get your psych in your corner so quickly! I’m super impressed. I hope you are able to get through the time until you see her as well as you can.

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        I am impressed with myself, underneath the syrup cloud at least.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Sending you lots of positivity as I am there too, having been off Prozac for many months now. It’s so strange functioning day to day realizing there’s a pretty big meltdown brewing underneath that I’m just sort of ignoring. I have an appointment in a week to get back on the meds and I’m honestly really looking forward to it.

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        Oh gosh, yes, that feeling of a meltdown storm just simmering underneath the skin…

        I hope things start feeling a lot better for you soon

    5. Thursday Next*

      You kicked ass! Making a solid plan while depressed is no easy feat. Well done!

      I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        Honestly, I think I’ve used up all my energy doing that one thing

  47. Ms. Gullible*

    HELP!

    I am moving out this weekend with my kiddos. I proposed a visit schedule to my ex and of course he never responded. Last night he asked what the kids were doing for Easter. I stated I thought he would take them as he never disagreed with my idea of a schedule. He said he would but what times. I told him that I would drop them off at 8am and pick up at 8pm. He said no they were going to stay with him. I stated absolutely not as he has a sleeping disorder where someone has to physically wake him up and he’s a recovering alcoholic who started drinking again a couple of months. Our kids are both under 2 and there’s no way they can wake him up. He told me that he wasn’t going to give them back. What do I do if he refuses to give them back to me?

    1. Book Lover*

      You need to call a lawyer. I am sorry, but that is seriously the first thing you need to do.

    3. Kuododi*

      I am not a lawyer but my understanding from dealing with families in the family court system, unless you are under a specific court ordered visitation plan the decision is yours regarding visitation…. particularly if he’s an active safety threat refusing to return the kiddos at the end of their visit. Again, this is not legal advice and I would encourage you to get in touch with an attorney stat!!!! If the ex refuses to return the kids after visit…envolve the police immediately. Best wishes. You and your dear children are in my heart.

      1. fposte*

        The problem is that she has no more right to the kids than he does right now; she has no grounds to insist the kids be with her instead of him. That’s why custody orders are valuable–they protect everybody. Get a lawyer ASAP.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Don’t drop them off at all.

      And get a lawyer ASAP. Like pick up the phone and call right now.

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Yes, do not drop them off with him! If you call the police to get them back you’ll be out of luck since there’s no custody order.

    5. Ms. Gullible*

      I have a lawyer actually. He never returned my call yesterday. We’ve filed the answer and counterclaim for temporary and permanent custody weeks ago. I don’t know if it’s valid or not. I do know he got a copy in the mail but still hasn’t opened it.

      1. valentine*

        If he doesn’t give them back, the law probably expects you to wait for a court to deal with it, regardless of whether or not you have a document outlining custody and visitation. If you’re saying his sleep disorder means he can die in his sleep, leaving the kids unsupervised, it sounds like the options are getting him to agree to another adult staying over or risking him accusing you of withholding them and of violating a custody or visitation order. (I can’t tell if you have a judge’s decision on those.) If you haven’t already, you can add his sleep disorder, especially if it’s untreated and there’s treatment available that he can apply himself and doesn’t require a supervision, to your petitions. Can you add a go-between to your petition, like an admin, so he can’t use the kid-based communication to punish and threaten you? If not, if you can pull back and communicate with him in writing only, it’ll double as evidence.

  48. Jacquelyn*

    My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year and a half and still nothing. We’ve done preliminary tests, and I still need to schedule another one but dread picking up the phone and making the call. My gynecologists said not to stress, I’m young (29) but that is, of course, easier said than done. My husband is also 6 years older than me.

    My friends with kids say things like, “Don’t worry, it took us 8 months to get pregnant!”, which I know is them trying to be supportive but it is really not helpful (8 months is nothing!). My friends without kids don’t really say anything at all.

    Anyways, I know this will probably all work itself out eventually and the medical community can do amazing things, but I feel like there is just all this mental energy that is going to this “What if?” place. It feels like life is on hold and that is hard. Each month is a rollercoaster of emotions: hope, waiting, then the eventual deception.

    I don’t know what I am looking for in writing this. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! :)

    1. Book Lover*

      On the one hand, yay, you are both young! On the other hand, assuming you have actually being having regular sex, 18 months is time to go check things out a bit more. Definitely make an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. Perhaps you have already done this, but cheap starting point before seeing RE is to make sure you are ovulating regularly (use cheap ovulation predictor kits with morning temperatures) and you husband can easily get a semen analysis. That way you already have those things checked out before starting with RE.
      Good luck, I hope it is something straightforward or just on the wrong end of the percentages so far.
      It was so terrifying to hear that I might have fertility issues. It worked out, but I remember how I felt. I really do wish you the best.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      Don’t be afraid. Do call a reproductive endocrinologist.

      As someone who is literally in the midst of doing IVF right now (in fact, I just packed my injection kit to go to work this evening), I’ve never heard anyone say they wished they had waited longer to visit an RE, but I’ve heard lots and lots of people say they wish they would have done so sooner. Think of it this way: you might find out something terrible, but knowing something terrible is far better than not knowing about something terrible and the terrible thing still affecting you.

      REs aren’t all that scary. Many infertility fixes are relatively inexpensive. You might be one of the lucky ones that just needs a boost from Clomid or metformin. You might not. An RE will be the right person to help you, even if it’s intimidating. Get your cycle calendar in order, get your husband an order for a sperm analysis, and I promise it will feel a million times better. Gynecologists usually know very little about fertility–an RE will help you. I promise.

      Best of luck.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Totally agreed with everything Valancy Snaith said. And while you wait for your appointment, it’s a good time to check out “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and buy a thermometer and some ovulation predictor kits so you can have some data to take to your appointment!

    4. No kiddos for this one*

      So sorry to hear of your struggles, they remind me of my own. Unfortunately even with all of the fertility treatments we underwent we were not able to conceive. And yes, it’s sad for me everytime I see someone else’s infants and I never was able to have one. But life goes on, and we have come to terms with never having children and we make the most of what we have.

      One thing we definitely have done is make a plan and follow through to save money to be able to pay for care in our old age as we don’t have children to rely on to help us.

    5. Jules the First*

      I just wanted to say that friends of mine tried without success for four years, finally saw a fertility specialist who told them it was a very fixable ovulation issue and they are now pregnant with twins.

      The what if is hard, the tests are scary, but not knowing is worse.

    6. Lady Jay*

      I’m so sorry! I have several friends who’ve had difficulty conceiving, and I know from listening to them how painful and stressful this can be. You have my sympathy.

    7. Not That Jane*

      I’ve been there. It’s OK to have strong feelings about this, it can be really difficult & traumatic.

      We did eventually go the IVF route, due to some medical complications that came up for me. I was devastated to think it would have to come to that, but then once we did it, well, we have a 2-year-old and another on the way. Hang in there.

    8. LibbyG*

      Make the call! For an RE, your first appointment may be like 3-4 months out. So make that appointment and hope you can cancel it.

      I used assisted reproduction technology (ART) to bring home my two kids (though I was mid-30s when I started. The first child came from Clomid+IUI which wasn’t nothing but was a lot less than IVF. The second was from IVF.

      Best of luck! It’s such a difficult road to walk, especially having no idea of your prognosis. I was helped tremendously by a lovely community of bloggers all on the same journey. We cheered for one another, grieved with one another. It was like AAM but it was a network of blogs.

    9. Changing my name for this*

      *hugs* I have been trying since 2015. Definitely concur that calling the RE for tests doesn’t require any more from you than that and can be highly stress relieving. I wish I had tried at 6 months when my gyn suggested it rather than wait. If you want support I have found RESOLVE to be great. I have found them a great place to talk about all the emotions.

    10. Courageous cat*

      This may or may not be helpful in this case but I always recommend ZocDoc for difficult-to-make doctors appointments. It takes a lot of the emotional labor out of the equation so all you have to do is click a few times and show up. I find I will frequently not make an appointment at all if I can’t do it on ZD.

    11. Dan*

      Sorry, that sucks. On this particular issue, I’m in the camp with your friends without kids.

      However, I think when we live life long enough, a broader range of people find out that life didn’t turn out as planned or strongly hoped for.

      Take me, for example. I had intended on becoming a pilot, and did flight training while getting my bachelor’s degree. Except after dropping $20k on flight training, I lost my medical at the age of 28. Shit! 10 years later, I developed heart problems. Double shit.

      I think it’s ok to process and work through the “what if”. Life is on hold, so to speak. My medical issues didn’t develop overnight; in fact, it took me two years to accept/confirm that being a pilot wasn’t going to happen, and I needed to find something else.

      So, in a different way, I totally get it. Work through and process what you need to, I’m not a fan of repressing “uncomfortable” thoughts.

    12. Anon for this*

      I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant with our second child after IVF; it was third time lucky this time. The thing is, you are already on the infertility rollercoaster with the monthly stress you mention. Unless you actually start using contraception again (some people do for a while for the mental break) you will always be thinking about it. I had a huge dread of starting the process, but once I did it really helped to feel like we were doing something about it. I strongly felt that I didn’t want to have to involve others in the conception, but once we started, it was such a positive experience, despite the two failures, that I’m actually glad to have conceive that way. The tests were not hugely problematic (for me a tonne of blood tests done in one go, one gynaecological examination, one x-ray) although once you get started, you keep moving pretty fast if you have the funds as the tests are only valid for six months. One of the tests can increase your chances of conception for two cycles so can be the solution on its own (I know a couple for whom this was the only treatment they needed). If you test AMH and FSH they can also give you an idea of how long your ovarian reserve will last so you can make informed decisions based on that.
      Best of luck with whatever you decide your next steps are!

    13. Avec Un Zed*

      I’m late to the conversation here, but you may find some good community in the podcast and associated FB group, Matt and Doree’s Eggcellent Adventure, if you’re a podcast listener. They’re going through IVF and working to remove some of the mystery and stigma by just talking about it.

    14. anycat*

      hi there. i know i’m a day late, but i have been in your shoes. we have been trying for 2+ years now and had go to down the ivf path.

      i’m 33, and my husband is 32. we have identified our infertility factor. we have 2 embryos left before we would have to do another round of ivf.. and while i battle the daily war inside my head of “what if’s” and i’ve come to the realization after getting out of a slump that i can’t put my life on hold. i have to still do things that make me myself, without feeling like i’m putting myself out there primarily as the me who the infertility statistic.

      i’m totally happy to send you my email if you’d like to chat more about it. it can be incredibly tough and trying. i’m thankful for science and the hope that it’s given us.. but there is the other part of me that is still looking one chapter ahead and looking at alternatives.

      if i could do it all over, i would’ve started asking doctors more questions sooner rather than later.

  49. Chocolate Teapot*

    Well, my plans for a weekend in Paris have been thwarted as the railway unions are going on strike for 36 days in a 3 month period. Basically, I could have got the train to Paris, but there were no trains going back home!

    Thankfully the SNCF is offering refunds of what were non-refundable tickets.

      1. valentine*

        Go to Paris, y’all. Be your companies’ first international remote workers. Also, “I’m stuck in Paris” is a great reason to call out.

  50. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I slept a lot last night after being exhausted all day yesterday.

    I’m trying to get used to the idea that my project right now is to take good care of myself and get my health and finances on track. I’m doing physical therapy and on a balance of psychiatric meds that works fairly well. But I feel tired a lot and overwhelmed and just don’t have it in me to do any big creative projects, or to clean the house more than at a very basic level, or to date. I’m feeling lonely a lot even though I have a lot of friends and a good relationship with my family. It’s hard but I think I will be better off if I can focus on getting some stability in place.

    I am proud of riding my bike to work twice this week and of paying down my credit card below $6,000 with my most recent paycheck.

    How are you doing?

    2. Elkay*

      Not sure if this is mental health or general wellbeing – I’m in a vicious circle when it comes to sleep. I’m having difficulty sleeping, when I do I get anxiety dreams, I have trouble getting back to sleep because of all the things swirling in my head, then my joints start to hurt because I’m tired but being in pain makes it more difficult to sleep. I really hope tonight is better.

      I’ve exercised a couple of times this week, I ditched the first session because of the lack of sleep. I know that exercising makes me feel better about myself so I do try to make a few sessions a week.

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        Ugh do i know that feeling!

        Could you see a doctor?
        Imho, sleep meds can break the cycle

    3. Elf*

      I am feeling mostly better (still low-energy, but I’m pretty sure that’s at normal pregnancy+full time job+toddler levels). I am astounded by the degree to which my issues seem to be seasonal, getting a sun lamp before next fall is Very Much on my to-do list.

      My husband and I have also been noticing that he’s at least as Seasonally Affected as I am, it just manifests in different ways. I get very low-energy, low-motivation, can’t do things. He gets angry & hair-triggered. This interacts in very bad ways. Hoping that now that we’ve recognized the pattern we can fix it; hopefully getting a sun lamp will help him too, and we’ve been able to have some conversations about communication issues that just would not have been possible a month ago. He’s started randomly singing all the time again and wanting to do fun things, so at least we’ve got a 6-month respite.

      I’m interested in how anyone else’s mental health issues have interacted with their partner’s (or other person they live with).

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’m pulling out of a short lapse into depression and feeling much more productive. My valleys into that and spikes into anxiety have leveled out since I’ve been meditating. And, I had a period where I veered away from a regular practice for a while (apparently this is normal when you’re building a practice), but I’ve lately been more engaged in regular sits again.

    5. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m slowly coming out of depression right now. I get to help look after three very loving dogs today which will really help me get out of it. Even though I’m exhausted and my body is sore all over I have been able to make it to doctor’s appointments and I am excited to get my hair cut off this week. Even though I feel useless right now donating my hair makes me feel slightly better.

    6. Jules the First*

      I don’t usually post in this thread, but I am not doing so great this week. I knew it might be a tough one because it’s the anniversary of some not-so-great stuff, but it’s been two years and I was really hoping I’d be over it by now. And I’m not.

      And the worst thing is that I really was fine…and then I went on Facebook and got reminded by a ton of posts, and am now not fine.

      My therapist is away until Tuesday, so I’m trying to do the self-care thing but finding it hard to walk the line between wallowing (because I’m not fit to be company for more than ten minutes) and over-compensating (because I really do want to be distracted!). Rationally, I know I’ll be fine next week, but I’m dreading the Tuesday conversations “so what did you get up to this weekend” when everyone knows that I had tons of plans and the reality is I’ve been in no shape to do any of them. Sigh.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        “My weekend plans? Oh. Had to cancel. Did not feel well. Trying not to dwell on that. So how was your weekend?”

        The problem with photos is that they are a moment. We have to remind ourselves that life is more like a movie with many, many moments. So it is easy for a photo to draw us in and we can recall that moment vividly. When photos trigger renewed deep heartbreak it is important to remember the surrounding context. We have to remind ourselves, there is more to this story than just this (these) photo(s).

        If the photos show a traumatic event it’s important to remind ourselves that “This event is not happening any more, it has ended. I am safe now.” Say these things out loud if need be.

        And there is an added layer here. The hope that you would be over it by now. You know, stuff happens in life and it forever shapes us. Good stuff, bad stuff and benign stuff all shape us in some way. Why not just decide that you are forever changed because of X. Oddly, you may find that some of the changes are good, such as you find yourself more empathetic than you used to be. Or perhaps you are more aware of people who are also going through X.
        We are supposed to allow living to teach us. Honestly, although I do not know what your situation is, in some instances I would be more concerned if you said, “X happened but I am over it now.” You might find it easier to view it as part of your life story, part of your autobiography. “This is part of how I got to be the way I am.”
        For many types of griefs, two years is not that long. It’s reasonable to expect the sorrow to still be there, although it may change form. Such as it might go from prolonged sobbing to an ache in the chest/mind in current time. Go easy on you. Tell yourself little affirmations such as, “I still feel bad about X and it’s okay that I still feel bad about it. It’s part of my life story.”

        I always have to add. We have tears for a reason. Tears cause a chemical reaction in the brain that help to keep the brain healthy. If you need to cry, then that is what you need to do.

        1. Jules the First*

          Thanks for the script NSNR! I’ll be practicing that so I can say it with no wobbles on Tuesday…

          And thank you also for your kind words. I lost someone who changed my life, and though she’s now been out of my life longer than she was in it, there’s no doubt that I wouldn’t be where I am now (mostly good things!) if not for her.
          I miss her sense of humor and her huge personality and her gift for saying exactly the wrong thing at any moment and not giving a ish about it; and yes, I miss the buzz of discovering that you’d somehow not just lived up to her (enormous) expectations but exceeded them. To surprise her was to light up the world. She left a tardis-shaped hole in the universe when she went – a small ripple on the surface, much bigger on the inside – and we keep tripping over it when we least expect it.

          All that said, everything feels much more manageable today (partly because it isn’t raining…), so maybe there’s still some weekend that can be salvaged.

    7. Red*

      I don’t know. I’m doing mostly well, I think, but I can’t help but think I’ll still be mentally ill for my entire life and I just don’t want to be like this. I know it is definitely a case of “suck it up, buttercup” but I’m just f’ing sad and that’s that.

      Beyond that, running is nice and endorphins are helpful so that’s really good, and my therapist got me to finally contact student disability services for help so I’m hopeful there but unsure what to expect.

      1. Junior Dev*

        It is sad though, it makes sense to be sad about it. Coming to terms with having a chronic illness or disability, mental or physical, is kind of like grieving the loss of a loved one. It means you don’t get to have the life you might have imagined for yourself in a lot of ways.

        I’m glad running is helping and you’re reaching out for resources!

    8. Lady Jay*

      Dealing with some anxiety over whether I’m making good professional/financial choices right now. I don’t have a great coping strategy besides trying to bury my anxieties by distracting myself with humor sites on the Internet or loads of work.

      But I’m also thankful to have a couple close family members who are always willing to listen, and patient as I second guess myself (and third-guess, and fourth-guess).

    9. Ow The Hurt, It Hurts*

      I think I’m about to head into a depression spell. Which sucks, because I came out of one in January with the holidays. And the one I had last year at this time lasted months, and I’m trying to finish a Master’s, so… shit.

      I’m starting to drink more alcohol in response to this stuff, after getting myself down to a more moderated drinking regime last year. I’ve tried listening to music, but the stuff in my feed is usually either sad Celtic ballads or angry rock/rap, which ain’t good for mood.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I hear you on drinking in response to depression. I have to work hard not to do that. I’m impressed that you’re able to sense a spell coming. I feel like I never see it until I’m knee deep in it.

        For me, I ease up on myself for using certain coping mechanisms instead of drinking, because (again, for me) drinking while depressed ultimately makes me feel worse compared to, say, eating a bag of chips. Are there any strategies that aren’t ideal for you but that may be better (for you) choices than drinking?

    10. Thlayli*

      Went to counsellor last night and I’ve been in the antidepressants a week. I’m feeling hopeful – it seems like they’re working. I’m finding it very hard to concentrate in work though and I think my boss noticed coz he started questioning everything I was up to on Friday. Better get my act together!

      1. Junior Dev*

        Sometimes antidepressants can make you feel weird or unfocused as you get used to them. It usually gets better after a few weeks. If it doesn’t it’s worth trying a different medication.

    11. annakarina1*

      I’m sorry you are feeling lonely and tired. It can be extremely stressful to want for company despite having friends, and to feel too tired to do anything creative. I don’t have advice, but I wish the best for you.

      My mental health has been OK. I had gone back to online dating from last fall to this past February, and I really didn’t like it. I went out with a few guys, but wasn’t interested in any of them, and didn’t have luck in going out with anyone I did like. I was also matched up with colleagues in my industry and felt embarrassed to be seen on the site by them, and when I would contact them through previous email correspondence for industry reasons, not into dating them, I wouldn’t get a response, and I would feel like they thought I wanted a date when I didn’t. So between that, bad dates, and just hating the online dating process, I quit, and have had more confidence in playing bar trivia, impressing guys with my knowledge of arts, pop culture, and history, and feeling more at ease in getting to know guys casually and letting connections blossom more.

      I’m feeling lonely tonight, but I have kept very busy with work, trivia games, Muay Thai, seeing friends sometimes and watching movies, so I haven’t been as depressed lately.

    12. Triple Anon*

      I’m stressing. I feel isolated and starved for intellectual conversation. Earlier today, I got really angry and overwhelmed by all the Big Problems in my life. So I took the day off to hang with my dog and do some creative projects. That was good.

      I’m working on finding some places where I can hang out and be around people – bars, coffee shops, maybe even a place of worship. I’m not much of a joiner, and I like being alone, but I need to get out more.

      I feel like my life is about to turn another corner and enter a new phase. It could be almost anything.

    13. Handy nickname*

      I have now been living alone for a week and I LOVE it. I feel like I can breathe and really relax in the evenings for the first time and it is amazing. I went to see a movie with my mom & sister on Saturday and spent Easter with my whole family and some extended family, and realized how much I really do like my family, just that I needed to not live with them.

      It’s been interesting, because I had an idea of what I wanted to get by moving out and by doing it alone, but many people I talked to (especially my family) told me I would be really lonely, that it would be harder and more complex than I thought, and that I wouldn’t do any better dealing with life/ADHD stuff than I did at home. I felt like I knew what it would be like, but second guessed a lot.

      It was surprising and so empowering to realize that I was actually right about how I would feel! I’m the only one living in my head, and I’m actually pretty good at figuring out what I need and what will work for me or help me.

      So I’m still working on finding a rhythm for my days and what needs to be done, but it’s been a good week.

  51. Pollygrammer*

    Happy Passover! My seder leader got impressively drunk last night. (The traditional 4 cups of wine, plus maybe 2 at dinner, for a guy who I’ve never seen have more than two drinks a night). The boys also tried to compete for who could eat the most horseradish. Lots of red, sweaty faces and watering eyes, and a bunch of guys who are going to be seriously regretting that contest today :)

    1. Elf*

      My favorite is the (I think Sephardic?) tradition of whipping each other with scallions. Some of the relatives were not fans, but I thought it was hilarious.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My partner was not happy that no one wanted to join him in a horseradish eating contest. He did it all on his own.

      I just made macaroons for the first time and am setting up a spinach matzo pie to bake tomorrow. I am so happy Pesach is on a weekend, because it gives me plenty of time to set up meals for the week.

      1. LizB*

        I’m also so glad for a weekend Pesach so I can cook ahead of time. I get so grumpy without my precious precious refined carbs that I really struggle to plan and cook dinners, so having a chance to stock the fridge is amazing. Currently making some great quinoa & spinach fritters that reheat nicely, next on the list is a big batch of chickpea salad (I eat kitniyot). Also debating another pan of chocolate toffee matzo since most of my first batch got polished off at the seder last night.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Chocolate toffee matzo is on my agenda for this morning. Make another batch! It’s so easy, after all. :)

    3. FrontRangeOy*

      I’m making gefilte fish kabobs for our community seder tonight. There are some *very* traditional members who will probably object but, I won’t be there to get the fallout. I need to stay home with two sick children and my spouse is there to provide security and will be outside for most of the evening. Nobody will dare scold my 10 year old for their parent making gefilte fish “wrong.”

      Just steamed carrots and bite size pieces of gefilte fish on long toothpicks, with parsley and lettuce to garnish.

  52. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Five more weeks till “I Do!”

    …And OMG FI and I are exhausted beyond belief. It’d take me another full week of sleep to feel 100% myself again. Jogging/staying healthy, attempting sanity, baking healthy cauliflower-based berry Greek yogurt spice bites.

    Bought bubbles and coloring books for wedding guest kids. One is 11, so I found a new science themed book 50 cents at a lightly used market.

    Is there anything you did wedding favors-wise for kids?

    Is there anything wedding planning related you wished you did/skipped/any pro-tips?

    1. Anono-me*

      Colorful pipecleaners are my go-to for entertaining kids.

      Inexpensive fake flower bouquets can be fun for kids at a wedding. (I had two inexpensive fake flower bouquets for the two littlest kids, but all of the kids under ten wanted to play with the bouquets.)

      You may want to check with the venue re bubbles. Some places don’t allow them indoors, also the bubbles can stain some clothes, especially shiny fabrics.

      Stash healthy tidy snacks and water bottles everywhere for the two of you and the rest of the bridal party.

      If you are wearing something complicated, have a bathroom plan.

      Maybe have a selfie spot. A cute poster or banner that says ” Carmen & FI June XX, 2018 with a romantic quote” in good light. We got lots of really nice guest selfies by doing this.

      Kudos for the good self care.

      Congratulations.

    2. h.cowl*

      Even if you are not writing your own vows, write them down and read them from a card. We did fairly traditional vows, but trying to listen and repeat what the celebrant was saying really took me out of the moment.

    3. Dragonista*

      I’m getting married in December, so I’m still in the planning stages. One of the tips I am taking on board is to nominate a friend to be a central point of contact on the day, and give her a print out of the schedule with all relevant timings and contact details. The caterers, band etc will have her name as the person to direct queries to. This is in addition to the coordinator provided by the venue, I need to know someone I absolutely trust has a grip on things or I won’t be able to relax and enjoy the day.

      The other golden advice I’ve been given, nominate a person to make sure you eat, particularly important for me as a type 1 diabetic, also if there is going to be a champagne reception you want to make sure that you lined your stomach!

    4. valentine*

      Siesta space, especially for the smallest kids, even if it’s some sort of small cushion they can plonk right down on on the pew. A printed schedule for the guests, especially children, especially showing things like who eats when at the reception. I second the snacks advice.

    5. Reba*

      We had a sitter for the kids and they colored and watched a movie (Little Mermaid? IDK one with a wedding in it). At my sister’s wedding, the kids had little streamers, like tiny ribbon dancers, that were part of their role in the ceremony, and they were a huge hit as toys.

      My unintentional best wedding idea was that our head table was very close to the dessert table, therefore when everyone went for pie we effectively had a receiving line!

      Good luck, you’re in the home stretch now. And then you’ll be married!

  53. Anon anony*

    There is a new woman at the place we’re not supposed to talk about here. I introduced myself and thought I was being social and doing okay. She seemed weirded out by me or something because now it seems like she’s avoiding me.
    I’m quiet and awkward in general, so I don’t know if it’s that or if I said something bad- I basically welcomed her and just explained what I did and asked her about herself, how she liked the place, etc.

    I feel like I’m people repellent or something. No matter how hard I try to be social, it just doesn’t work. I wish there was someone to give you honest feedback and tell you what you are doing wrong and what you should do to change it.

    Does anyone else ever feel this way? What have you done about it?

    1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

      A lot of the time!
      I mostly feel boring and awkward but I have it on good authority I’m not. It’s like there’s a tiny little black hole in my brain holding these thoughts and despite it shrinking massively due to therapy and meds, there’s still a speck left.

      So I doubt you’re repellant. It’s probably the woman’s issue, and not anything you did.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      OMG yes, I feel this way ALL the time! I wish someone I don’t know could just watch me for a couple days in different situations and then tell me what I’m doing wrong.

      I haven’t done anything about it, since I don’t actually know what I’m doing wrong. Although, I’m definitely trying to think more before I speak. I sometimes come out with things in the wrong way and then I feel like an idiot. But that doesn’t happen often, so I’m pretty sure that isn’t the overall issue.

    3. Elf*

      Even when I try to get feedback, it’s never anything actionable. I just – fail at making friends. (less at keeping them). It has always been this way, childhood, high school, college, thereafter. I just don’t GET it, and don’t know what I’m not getting. I’m also a bit hesitant to try to make too many changes to how I interact because 1) Holy mother of Batman, the energy! and 2) most of the specific things I’ve identified that might be at issue are things that Would Not be social obstacles if I were a man, and I just can’t bring myself to bend myself into even more pretzels for the patriarchy.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        My social skills are fine but I’m still a bit of a loner. Part of it is that I don’t suffer fools and I have very little tolerance for drunk bullshit. So much socializing revolves around “let’s go out” or “let’s get dinner (and drinks).” I’m not a teetotaler by any means but it’s awful being the only mostly-sober person in a room full of people who’ve been drinking heavily. I opt out of social situations where I know I’ll be metaphorically holding everyone’s purse while they all act like idiots. So I spend a lot of time alone even though I honestly do enjoy the company of other people.

    4. fposte*

      I have no idea how reliable or available it is, but social skills coaching is a thing. I’m surprised it isn’t bigger, really; so much of them are teachable but don’t get explicitly broken down for us.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      +1 to all of the above comments – they all apply to me and I wish I knew what I could do so that I could make friends easier. I join clubs and meet-ups and volunteer activities but somehow noone ever outreaches to me to get together (I’m always the one having to make the effort). And even after asking others to get together and having a nice time doing something – noone ever bothers to reciprocate and ask me to do something.

      Thanks to all who commented here, though. Just reading that others are going through the same thing makes me less lonely.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      I was close work friends with another woman at my work and then one day she suddenly cut me off. Deleted and blocked me on facebook, the whole deal. She’s still kind to me in person so I had to conclude that there’s something else going on in her life or in her head that made her decide not to get close to anyone at work. I know that her husband doesn’t like it when she brings work talk home with her, and I had seen her recently post things on facebook that the company wouldn’t be happy with. She had reasons to stop being sloppy about the crossover between work and social life. I was sad to lose her as a close friend but ehhhhh it’s her loss. She once mentioned to me that she has trouble holding onto friends and I just figured that this was one example of that.

      tldr – We all have experiences like this and unless you’ve done anything to actively alienate her, it’s all in her head.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Sometimes a friend lets us know where we are going before we get there.

        But it sounds like this woman has a lot going on in the background that it’s probably for the best that she distance herself.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            “She once mentioned to me that she has trouble holding on to friends.”

            A friend of mine and I did quite well together for a while. Then one day she starts telling me about her friend. Her friend did X. Well, my friend could not stand X at all, and thought that her friend was a bad person. In my mind X was not that bad and nothing I would end a friendship over. However, my friend did end her friendship over what her friend had done. I had never seen my friend drop off a friend like this before. What does this bode for ME?

            To each her own, I figured. But I could not turn off the yellow warning light in my head.

            Sure enough. A few years later, this friend saw me do Y. Without finding out what the surrounding context was for Y, she decided I was a bad person and she dumped me.

            This upset me at first. Then I realized she had warned me with the previous story about ditching the friend who did X. Things are fine until they aren’t. That is how it goes in her world. She had indeed warned me what I could expect.

            For the bigger picture, my friend and I were two different people. And we wanted different things out of life. I saw my friend a while ago. She was still doing the same things we did 30 years ago. My life moved away from that in part due to necessity. Not that my life is any better than hers but we just have very different approaches and we focus on different things. I still think of her warmly.

            1. Stellaaaaa*

              Ah yes, that’s definitely true of her. A while back she told me that she and her husband prepared for a super bowl party and literally no one showed up to their house. That’s the kind of thing that makes me wonder what’s really going on. I’d have to have extremely negative feelings about someone to avoid a free food party, you know? I’d at least pop in as I made my rounds.

              Then again, I think she’s 50% in a dumb marriage and 50% uses her husband as an excuse. She hates her job (I actually like the company – go figure) but her husband “won’t let” her quit because he wants the second paycheck for the hosuehold. She would rather stay home and start having kids. I don’t need to tell you that there are a million ways to quit or even make yourself fire-able at work, but she keeps coming to work and attributing that to her husband because she doesn’t want to put effort into coming up with her own life plan.

              So anyway yeah. Obviously I’m still a little sad over losing a friend but I can look at her previous statements and the way she moves through the world, and decide that she and I probably would have had a falling out anyway.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I see several things here.

      If you regularly meet and befriend people you are raising the odds that you are going to meet some duds. I have a friend who had a party. He sent the invite out on FB. He invited 1,000 people. Literally 1,000. What is my friend doing differently from me? He rebounds quicker. Someone rejects his friendship, he moves on immediately. You could decide to say, “Eh, maybe later they will warm up to me.” And leave the story there.

      Another thing I noticed about myself is that I don’t always do a good job of picking out people for friends. One tool I have found helpful is let the friends I have lead me to their friends so I can meet more nice people. Yeah, this is like letting your friends do that sorting work for you. But if they are good at picking out good people, then why not?

      In the example you give here I don’t see where you did anything wrong. Since you are the established employee you are the one with more power. She may be wondering why you don’t come talk to her again and she may be wondering what she did wrong.

      Always watch power imbalances. I have friends who are 30 years younger than me. With some of them, I found that I needed to subtly let them know it’s okay to visit with me even though I am OLD (ha!), I still like chatting with them. Because of the age difference I tend to lead some of the relationships. Power imbalances happen for all sorts of reasons. In your example here I would expect to lead the relationship, initially at least, because I am The Established Employee and she is the newbie.

      There’s no one magic bullet answer, I think. Each person has their own thing going on and their own way about them.

  54. My Anonymous Alter Ego*

    Confession time!
    Please confess here so I don’t feel like a totally pathetic human on my own…

    Thursday evening I finally broke down & bought a box of eight Frosted Sugar Cookies from Trader Joe’s. I’ve been tempted before although this is the first time I caved for these particular cookies— I’ve caved on other things, of course, although not on these cookies!
    For the record, I bought healthy things as well although I was having a really bad day & bought a few things too many that Won’t Help Me Lose Weight.

    Less than 48 hours, I just ate the last cookie.
    Consider yourself warned!
    soft biscuit + just enough not-your-average-frosting + sprinkles = too much sugar that melts in your mouth & makes you thinking of going to get more cookies from Trader Joe’s

    Just the biscuit itself would melt in one’s mouth, then that frosting!!
    I had no control. They’re addictive.

    Fortunately, I refuse to go out just for cookies, so there’s that. And really all I need to do is to look in the mirror from a side view.
    Oh, yeah. And I need to stop buying cookies

    :::sigh:::
    It doesn’t help that I now have a small hole in my face because I was tweeting out a rogue hair. It didn’t want to be tweezed & then things got personal. Finally I won at the expense of my face… thankfully it isn’t too bad & should heal up within a day or two.

    1. Lily Evans*

      I got one of TJ’s new cinnamon cereal chocolate bars with every intention of eating it over the course of a few days, but then I ate it within 3 hours. Their snacks and sweets are just so good, it’s hard to stop eating them!

    2. NicoleK*

      A couple weeks into my low carb diet, I gave into temptation and ate two bagels slathered with cream cheese.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I like to scrape the bottom of donut boxes, as in with a spoon. I’ve done it twice in the last two weeks. If the frosting/icing/glazing is the best part, why do people take a donut and not scrape up the bit(s) of frosting from it?? I won’t move a donut to do this, but obviously it feels pathetic because I won’t do it if anyone might see.

      To justify it, I do tell myself that it’s better than eating a donut, and to be honest I usually can avoid eating one if I allow myself just a taste of frosting. (Or sometimes more like a teaspoonful, to be perfectly honest.)

    4. Red Reader*

      I just ate an entire bag of potato chips with a tub of French onion dip. *sigh* Solidarity.

    5. Lissa*

      Yeah I get it, I went out for dinner last night for charcuterie/tapas and ate so much I still feel full today. My stomach muscles hurt and I’d like to believe they’re from the workout I did two days ago I’m slightly afraid it’s from how much I ate. spent waaay too much money and we kept getting more plates. oh right and then went out for ice cream afterwards, cause sure why not. it.was.excessive.

    6. HannahS*

      I’ve been using “but Passover is coming!” as an excuse for eating all the bread and pasta in my house for the last two weeks (with butter and cheese, of course) and “but it’s Passover!” for an excuse for eating lots of delicious things I didn’t need last night and today. And tonight. And tomorrow. Because it’s Passover, and I’m deprived, right?

    7. Red*

      I just ate an entire pizza. I did not even have any pretense of thinking I’d save some for later, I just bought it and ate it

    8. KR*

      I’ve been getting way too much Starbucks. I also want ice cream and the girl scout cookies in my freezer super bad right now. Also I got Sonic last night. No, I’m not eating my feelings why would you say that?? /Confession

    9. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve been doing great for two weeks with logging my food and staying within my calories, but I’ve been sneaking a treat here and there and not always logging it–if it’s not on the log, it didn’t happen. I take a spoonful of peanut butter from the jar and then dip it in the bag of chocolate chips.

      And those cookies you mention are so delicious! It’s kind of a good thing I can no longer tolerate a lot of sugar in one shot, because I would have polished those off in about two hours…

    10. Simone R*

      I only buy snacks from Trader Joe’s that come in smaller serving sizes-otherwise I’d eat the whole thing of peanut butter cups in one day!

    11. Kuododi*

      Oh my… I personally refuse to diet. But that’s my deal. I do however make one concession and keep from buying a Kroger Brand lemon ginger cookie. I absolutely love them and one cookie becomes two becomes the whole box in approximately an hour. Then my blood sugar is absolutely goobered up and I am screwed for the rest of the afternoon. As a diabetic I do have to make certain choices to keep myself healthy. I spent too many years of my life worrying and putting energy into “diets” to meet some external standard. I wish you the best.

  55. Loopy*

    I have so much car rage right now, AAM. Help.

    I bought a new car, knowing all about the drive-off-the-lot depreciation because I haaaaaaate dealing with repairs. I hate the lights coming on, I hate the time and (unexpected) money they take, I have having to do the research. I can barely deal with maintenance (but I do it to avoid repairs). I would pay so much up front to put it off as long as possible.

    My 2014 Chevy Sonic just hit 50,000 and I’m afraid its already nickel and dime-ing me. A major $750 repair and now a $120 hose in less than 6 months. I’m so annoyed it’s ruining my weekend. For whatever reason, this is beyond pet peeve. It’s safe to drive (its a fresh air intake hose that’s cracked) but also, my anxiety doesn’t like the check engine light even knowing that. Leasing sounds so nice to me but everyone gasps in horror when I speak of it :(

    How do I let go of this weekend-ruining anger at my car (and Chevy, as a whole).

    Also right after, my vet called to tell me the expensive treatment for my dog would need another dose soo this weekend is really not… going my way.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, bummer; it’s frustrating to hit a big repair cost, that’s for sure. But over the life of a car, $750 is not a big deal; it’s really helpful to think of it amortized over time, even though such repairs come to you as one-offs. It sounds like maybe you’re thinking of repairs as out of the ordinary, but even if the individual instance was premature, cars just regularly need stuff fixed and replaced over time.

      Leasing is generally less financially advantageous than buying, but that doesn’t mean it’s a mistake for everybody. However, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with repairs; it just means that you’re likelier to be driving a car that’s still covered by a warranty for them. Is that enough of an advantage for you?

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks. I think I just don’t like car ownership. I have tried to take joy in it but even when I owned a wonderful luxury car, it’s mostly just a means to get from points A to B for me. So the effort always feels like a burden. I don’t have public transit available so it’s my only option. I should value the independence it gives me- logically that’s HUGELY valuable. Alas, sometimes people are unreasonable and this seems to be my unreasonable thing!

        I appreciate the perspective though. I wish there was a clear option that was like… Cars will always take some.level of effort, but this option is clearly the least amount of effort of the available choices. I kind of thought buying a new car was like that but my desired easy period for this car ended literally right at the 3 year/ 36000 mile marker. I’ve had about four issues right between then and now. Alas.

        1. Melody Pond*

          I don’t like car ownership either. Mr. Pond and I dealt with that by moving into a neighborhood in our city center, with a Walk Score of 95, and we use ReachNow whenever we need a car.

          1. Loopy*

            I would love to walk more. I was able to in grad school and I loved it. Unfortunately the *only* walkable area where I’m from is downtown, and it’s either historic million dollar homes, or student filled housing (I have a zero tolerance of noise past 9 pm!).

        2. Green Kangaroo*

          There’s nothing inherently bad about leasing, and it may be the right choice for you. You can get a new car for a lower payment than you would if you were to buy it, and at the end of the lease you have the opportunity to buy the car outright, or finance the balance. There are many calculators online; just review them to understand how leases are structured, so you can negotiate accordingly. People who prefer to buy a car, pay it off as quickly as possible, and keep it until it runs into the ground don’t tend to like the idea of a lease, but if you like having a newer, reliable car at all times it might make sense for you.

          1. Loopy*

            I wouldn’t mind just doing a two year lease and trading in for something else, even if it meant always having a payment, but I’ve heard from people who were burned by hidden fees when leasing. I also don’t like having to worry about every little ding on a car. I high Alas. TBH, I think I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist!!

        3. Not So NewReader*

          My husband was a techie. He used to say, “It’s not IF the machine breaks, it’s WHEN will it break.” This was life changing for me to expect things to break.

          I so relate to what you are saying here. I often asked why can’t they make a car where you turn a key and it just goes? But NOOOO. We have to change this, fix that, tighten the other thing, add another gizmo and we can’t just turn the key and have the car run properly. Manufacturers, given the choice between creature features and a car that actually runs, I will forgo the features to have a reliable car. I often think that the designers focus on all the wrong stuff.

          And repair prices and parts are getting scary expensive.

          I read an article one time that talked about owning the same car for 9 years vs buying a new car every 4 years. It’s substantially cheaper to keep the car 9 years. This is due in part to loan costs and yes, it does factor in the costs of repair over those 9 years.

          I had a brand new car once. In the 14th month it spit out a tie rod and a water pump. In a snow storm. That was NOT fun. I have never bought a new car since. It helps me to keep my expectations down because I can say, “Well I bought it used….”.

          So I found a local dealership and repair shop. What is unique about them is that they rent out cars at a cheap rate when mine goes in for repair. Here no one gets a courtesy car when theirs in the shop. If you are lucky they have a mini van that will take you and five other people to work, if your employment is local. Customer service is not a big deal around here. So I found this place and I rent a car for less than $20 bucks a day and I learned that there were advantages to this set up.

          In the big picture, if it’s not a broken car, it’s a broken tractor or broken plumbing or broken furnace. The more we own the more repair bills we get. I do agree, though, why can’t stuff just WORK?

          1. Loopy*

            I’m so glad I’m not alone! I think why I fixate so much on the car reliability is that, it’s such a massive disruption for me to handle repairs- I need the car every single day of the week. Plus, I work M-F when the shops are open and volunteer Saturday mornings. And unlike other gadgets, I can’t just put it aside until a better time, it has to be fixed NOW. I know some families that have a clunker back-up car and that sounds like a nice option but I know I would never pay to insure and entire car I’m not using most of the time!

            And honestly, I had better experiences with the three used cars I had and thats also what’s making me cranky. I had a 1999 Ford Contour, a 2003 Prius (the pre-hatch back ones!), and a 2011 Audi- which covers a pretty decent spectrum. Each had one major repair over the course of about 3/4 years so I was spoiled. This car has had 3-4 in the last…year or so?

            I am definitely waiting for a unicorn car and you’re right- manufacturers are not on my wavelength.

            1. Dan*

              How are you defining “major”? I’ve had my car for 5 years / 30k miles and while I’ve probably put $2k into it, none of it would be what I would consider major.

              For reference, I had my previous car, also bought used, for 12 years and 110k miles. I never put much money into it. I deferred a lot of stuff and replaced it when I couldn’t put it off any more.

              All that said, I’d say on average, I probably put $50/mo into the cars for routine stuff.

              1. Loopy*

                Generally if a repair is 700 or over I consider it major but that’s admittedly completely arbitrary and based on nothing but my brain deciding it out of thin air. But I think all my arguments are more a reflection on my own car issues than the reality and I’m coming to admit that.

                For whatever reason, I can calmly accept other life expenses- home repairs, medical bills, vet bills with grace and patience … but when the exact same type of thing happens with my car I want to throw it in the trash.

                I’ll just accept it as a quirk to work on a guess.

    2. Dan*

      I hate to point this out to you, but your car hasn’t been “new” for the last three years. The 30k mark is when a lot of things “should” get serviced. And brakes and tires will come up somewhere in the 50k range. Your bills aren’t unusual.

      FTR, I have a 2010 Nissan Altima with the same number of miles, and a few “wear and tear” items have been popping up.

      1. Loopy*

        After my initial post, I’m starting to realize, yes, I am being irrational. I mentioned earlier after my initial pst that I think I just don’t like being a car owner. If I lived someplace where not having a car was realistically possible, I think I’d just give it up.

        This morning I told my fiancé the part was expensive, followed by the price and he told me no, that is not an expensive part in the larger scheme of things.

        I think it’s a point of trying to readjust myself.

        1. Dan*

          It may actually help to budget for car repairs in advance. That way, if you need less than you expected, you can feel good about it.

          I only take my car in for an oil change once a year, because I only put less than 8k on it annually. However, certain service intervals are costly – the 30k and 60k have a huge list of things the manufacturer suggests.

          You can talk to your mechanic about these kinds of things and plan ahead. Mine is also good about telling me when something will need to get done “next time” but can slide for awhile.

          I live in the suburbs of a major metro area. The car’s convenience outweighs the hassle and cost. Plus, I live by the metro, so when the car is unavailable, I can hop on that as a backup.

  56. Little Bean*

    Did you or your partner change your name after marriage? I am a woman, marrying a man, and I would prefer not to change my name. My fiance says it’s my decision but I can tell he’s disappointed and would prefer that I take his name. A big part of my reasoning is that my last name is indicative of my cultural heritage and his would not be. In the spirit of compromise, I’m willing to consider going by two last names, or changing my name legally but continuing to use my current name for all practical purposes. But really, I’d prefer to just keep my name. Is this something that we should try to compromise on, or do I just get to decide (since it is MY name) and he has to get over it? Are there other creative solutions I’m missing?

    1. Elkay*

      I changed then after a while we both double barrelled. I would caution against double barrelling, it’s a PITA. I double barrelled when it came to changing my name on the final official piece of paperwork and I freaked out, this was a good few years after we’d got married. I like having the same last name but I’ve never felt welcomed by my in laws so going all in to their name felt wrong. I sort of wish I’d just swallowed my feelings and kept my married name.

      1. Little Bean*

        Well I’m not entirely sure of the reason but he doesn’t want to. He’s not open to hyphenating either. I’m think he just has a traditional view on this, that he’s the man and his family should have his name. He’s not upset that I don’t want to change it, it’s not like a deal-breaker or anything. But I can still tell he doesn’t like it.

    3. Raining Roses*

      You could both take a new name you choose together? Or hyphenate?

      But really, I think you get to decide this. It’s understandable he may feel a bit disappointed, if he’s always imagined becoming Mr and Mrs HisLastName, but it’s your name and you’re the one who’d have to make the change.

      1. Little Bean*

        I don’t think I’d be really happy about choosing a new name either. I like MY name. It’s been my name my whole life and I feel like its tied to my identity in a way that his name isn’t. That said, I care more about what people call me than what documents say, so I’m more willing to consider changing or double barrelling officially, as long as it doesn’t mean I have to start calling myself something else. I don’t think either of us would be fully happy with that solution (which I guess is the definition of a compromise), so if I just do what I want, at least one of us is happy?

        1. Peanut*

          I felt and feel the same way about my name as you describe feeling about yours. It was never an option for me to change my name, the same way it was not an option for my husband at the time to change his to mine. My husband knew I felt that way, so he never said a word to me, but I know some of his family commented on me not changing my last name to his.

          (We got divorced eventually, and not having changed my name all along did make the process a tiny bit easier.)

          It’s your name, your choice. But speaking from the perspective of a now divorced person….pay attention to how you and your fiance argue/discuss things. How you disagree with someone says a lot more about your relationship than what you agree on.

    4. Lcsa99*

      It’s completely your decision since it is your name. For me it was an easy decision, as I had a horrible last name and am not that close to my family. But more than that, I personally feel more tied to him this way, and I would absolutely want any children we have to have the same name as both parents.

      But you can hypenate, you can make up something using both names, you can make your last name your middle name, and his last name your new last name (my sister did this), or whatever makes sense to you.

    5. Agnodike*

      I’m a woman. I didn’t change my name. My mother didn’t change her name. I didn’t feel I needed a reason or an excuse beyond “It’s my name and I like it how it is.” When we had kids, we flipped a coin to see whose last name they would have.

      I put names firmly in the category of “personal stuff that I get to decide on without input,” like my hair colour, clothes, snack choices, and library book selections. I know not everyone feels that way, but for me it wasn’t something where my spouse got a vote.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        And if for some reason your spouse did get a vote on your name, shouldn’t you get a vote on his? :D

        Seriously though, Little Bean, ask him to seriously consider changing his name to yours or a hyphenated name as an exercise, and he might understand why it’s wrong for one partner to be able to push a decision about it on the other. My wife kept her name; we talked about hyphenating, but it troubled my need for order that that wasn’t sustainable over more than a generation or two if everyone did it. We talked about creating a hybrid name, or a new name, but that just seemed too much work and family strife when we already had perfectly good names. There is no reason for names to have to match any more than there would be to always wear identical outfits.

        1. Agnodike*

          Do you and your spouse not always wear identical matching outfits?? I guess we’re just a little more traditional in my house.

          Seriously, though, I think growing up with a parent whose last name didn’t match mine or my dad’s really informed my perspective on this. It’s not like I was in any way unclear on who my mom was, and neither was anyone else after the first time she introduced herself as “Hypatia, Agnodike’s mom.”

          Spouse’s mother does have the same last name as both him and my father-in-law, so I think he sort of assumed we would share a name until I asked him “OK, how do we decide which name we pick?” and he had to contemplate what it would mean to him to change his name. I have quite a few friends who’ve changed their names (I would say about 70% women married to men, 30% men married to women) and hearing them talk about why they made that decision just reinforced for me that choosing your name is about as deeply personal a choice as it gets.

        1. Agnodike*

          We flipped for the first two and they ended up matching, so for the third we just picked the matching name because we didn’t want to introduce the potential for a weird sibling dynamic.

        2. Reba*

          One couple i know did ChildA HisName and ChildB Hername. I love that but suppose you need even numbered kids. Another couple (not married) gave the kids the maternal grandmother’s maiden name.

      3. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        I love the phrase “category of personal stuff that I get to decide on without input” <3

    6. Elf*

      I think it’s your decision and whatever way you go is perfectly fine (although I have gotten the impression from anecdotes that people are happier either keeping original/changing/or making up new than they are double-barreling).

      I changed my name, and did the super traditional thing of taking my maiden name as my middle name. I didn’t have super strong opinions beforehand, but after I realized that doing that would give me the initials ELF I knew there was no other choice :)

    7. all aboard the anon train*

      I ended a LTR because of this. We weren’t engaged, but we had talked about the future and not changing my name is a hill I will die on. He was very traditional about it and was not happy with my insistence that it was MY decision, and he had very little to do with it.

      It’s my name, it’s my identity, and I personally don’t like the cultural background that goes with a woman losing her name and identity only to take on her husband’s. I never really understood the explanation that men can be attached to their names, but women can’t be.

      Part of my reasoning is also that over the course of my life, I’ve had more than one person tell me that once I get married, I can finally change my name to something “easy to pronounce”. My last name is very Polish, and it makes me uncomfortable when people imply that my name should be Anglicized for their benefit.

      I think you get the choice because it’s your name, and if you have a strong connection to it, you shouldn’t have to change it.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I can see why the criticism of your name as unpronounceable would make you uncomfortable! I have a lovely German last name (it actually has two parts!) and if I were to ever marry (not currently on the table), I’d want to keep it.

    8. Red Reader*

      You get to decide, and he can suck it up. When I got married, I still had a previous husband’s last name. I’d kept it when we divorced because whatever, but I felt weird having Husband A’s last name while married to husband B. Husband-the-current did not care one whit, said whatever worked for me was fine with him. I opted to switch back to my maiden name and then hyphenate it with his last name, personally, and have been half-heartedly grumbling ever since about the excess of name I now have. (I went from a 4-letter last name to 15 :P )

      Realistically? He’ll get over it.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, I’d put a pretty hard line on this, too. I think it would be nice if your spouse would do the thought exercise about changing *his* name and come around… but you actually don’t need him to come around to your point of view, only to accept it and not sulk.

        FWIW I did not change. Neither did spouse, and he never expected that I would.

        I keep being surprised when women my age do change their names or express their desire to do so with hypothetical future spouses. But that’s my logical fallacy of thinking other people are like me!

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      I would be open to changing my last name if my imaginary future husband’s name were better aesthetically. My current last name is my asshole dad’s last name. Either way it’s a man’s last name. I don’t see how clinging to my asshole dad’s name would be any more empowered than actively choosing to share a name with someone who wasn’t an asshole.

      1. Natalie*

        I mean, do whatever is comfortable for you but I don’t know anyone who objects to changing their name because they would be taking on “a man’s” name. The point is that it’s her name, where the last name specifically came from isn’t relevant.

      2. TL -*

        It’s a bit different if you’ve got issues with your dad – I can see why you wouldn’t want to keep his name and why you would associate it as being his.
        But for me, my last name is *not* my dad’s last name. It is mine. It is mine and it is not a reflection of my father; most people (my last name is fairly unique and I live far away from my parents) would only think of me if they heard it.

        I’m not changing it, any which way, but there are reasons someone else might feel differently.

        1. TL -*

          I have the same last name as my dad, but I don’t think of my last name belonging to him, that is. Or a reflection on him.

    10. Not Alison*

      I faced this same issue when I got married (in my 30s). While I preferred to keep my own last name, my husband strongly preferred for me to take his last name. On the other hand I wanted to move to a state more than a day’s drive from where both of our families lived and he was agreeable to that. In the end I legally changed my name so that my last name became my middle name and his last name became my last name.

    11. Jessi*

      I won’t be changing my name if I ever get married….. I have two passports, and bank accounts in 3 countries! What a mess!

      One of my best friends tells everyone that she didn’t change her name, because feminism, but confessed to me that really it just seemed like a huge hassle, and so much paperwork!

      You get to decide – its your name! You could change it socially? Be known as Ms Little Husband’s name socially, but still be little bean legally?

      1. Little Bean*

        This might be weird but I actually care more about how people know me socially. If I had to choose, I’d rather change it to his last name legally, but get to go by my preferred name socially and professionally. In which case, what was the point of changing it legally, even?

    12. Natalie*

      For whatever it’s worth, I wouldn’t change your name if you don’t plan to use the new name. It can be a huge pain in the ass, as well as an expense, which is utterly pointless if you don’t plan on actually using the name ever. You can always use both names socially if you want to; no one checks your drivers license before they send out party invitations.

      I didn’t change my name and I have zero regrets, but I was raised in a community where not changing was pretty common. Neither my mom nor stepmom changed their name when they were married and many of my childhood friends had parents with different last names. My husband had no opinion.

    13. BRR*

      I think if you’d prefer to keep it then you should keep it. I throughly hate the “tradition” of women being expected to take the man’s last name (and even then children usually end up with the man’s name). It’d be pretty bad ass to say you’d hyphenate if he does as well. The only other creative solution I can think of is to combien your last names to form a new last name. Emma Bloomberg and her husband did that for their daughter.

    14. Lissa*

      This is one of those issues that really hits a lot of guys an interesting way. I have noticed this too. Even guys who are all for equality, feminism etc. still often have a desire for their partner to take their name, and not take their partner’s, and will get really squirrely when asked about why because at the end of the day the only reason for this to be is “because I’m the man.” But a lot of guys don’t want to just straight out say it. It’s one of those things where it’s so clear it’s still a “thing” but most progressive guys don’t want to come right out and say “you should take my name because you’re a woman.”

      I won’t change my name, in part because of this. Of my married friends, 95% of the het couples had the woman take the man’s name, and all say it’s just coincidence/worked out that way. A lot of my female friends say, oh, well I hate my dad or my name was hard to pronounce, but I don’t know *any* guys who say that, so if it really had nothing to do with gender you’d see equal amounts of guys doing it. I totally understand being like, well it’s easier to have one name and we’ll get less crap from doing it this way – makes perfect sense. But I know a fair number of guys who try to argue it’s “just preference” for her to take his name and that it has nothing to do with gender, but I think it really does.

      It bothers me that “neutral/compromise” is considered you taking his name, but you keeping your own is being unbending (in society’s eye)…. you’re doing the same thing he is, wanting to keep your name! But somehow he’s not going to be considered unbending for not wanting to take yours.

      3. Justin*

        I told my wife to please do whatever she wanted. I feel bad that I didn’t want to change mine (she didn’t ask, but she’s more traditional than I am), but it took me many years to like my name (because I have four names).

        She ended up hyphenating.

        ….two years ago today (yes it’s our anniversary)

    15. Not That Jane*

      I kept my name. It just felt weird to change it, having had it for so long :)

      Any chance he would take your name? Like, is this about wanting you both to have the same name, or is it specifically he wants you to have HIS name?

      For what it’s worth, I say it’s totally your decision. It’s your name. I also think that in the engagement period, stuff like this can loom really large, but after you’re married it kind of shrinks back into proportion again. A least it did for us.

    16. KR*

      I could tell my husband was taken aback a little when I said I wasn’t changing my name but now he’s one of my biggest backups when his family and his work get my name wrong (he works in a career where they need certain information on me.)

    17. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I think you should keep it! Like you said- it’s your name, and it reflects your heritage. If he feels so strongly about having the same name, he can take yours.

    18. Melody Pond*

      Mr. Pond and I are getting married in about a month and a half. Neither of us is changing our name. He prefers this option. He doesn’t like the idea of me taking his name. He prefers the idea of unification of two complete individuals, rather than the one absorbing the other.

      I don’t know what to tell you. I just keep thinking of that scene from Parks & Rec, where Ben pranks Leslie by telling her right before they get married spur-of-the-moment, that it’s really important to him that Leslie Knope ceases to exist and becomes Leslie Wyatt. She’s clearly horrified, until she realizes that he’s messing with her and doesn’t actually care at all.

      If it’s important to you to keep your name, I think you should. I think you just need to decide for sure that you’re doing it, and have a heart-to-heart with your partner. Explain that it’s important to you and you’re not going to change your name, and is that something he can live with? Plus, even if you legally took your spouse’s name, wouldn’t he still be peeved if people continued to call you by your maiden last name?

    19. Thlayli*

      It’s totally your decision. I still go by my maiden name most of the time, but since our kids have his last name, I use my married name for family related stuff coz it’s simpler. I didn’t bother changing it on anything official tho so all my bank accounts etc are still in my maiden name.

    20. LibbyG*

      Well, I guess whatever you decide doesn’t have to be permanent. You could change it later. But on that basis, it would less fraught to go from original name to husband’s name than the other way around. Which seems to point toward keeping your name the same for now and then seeing how you feel in a year or so.

      I kept my name. It seemed weird to me to change it.

      1. LibbyG*

        Oh, and our kids have my husand’s last name (as a surname) and my last name as a middle name.

        We have a portmanteau nickname for the family. Like if the two names were Griffin and Victor, we call our family Team Grifftor. That’s only to ourselves. I don’t presume it’s cute for anyone else. :)

        1. Ainomiaka*

          This is what my husband and I did legally. Mostly because we would have kept our own names, but I absolutely refused to do the “well, she can keep her name but all kids get his.” He saw my point and we combined. Stuff like that is why I married him.

        2. HannahS*

          I know a family where the parents each have colour names, think something like Mr. Brown and Ms. Green. They each kept their own last name, and gave the kids the last name “Olive,” which is a combination of the two colours. I’m not sure I’d do it myself, but it’s a neat idea!

    21. CatCat*

      I legally changed my last name to the husband’s. It was kind of a pain having to go through all the hoops of the legal change that if I were to go back in time, I would have kept my original legal last name and gone socially by his last name.

      At any rate, it wasn’t a tough decision for me since it didn’t much matter to me one way or another. He liked the idea of us having the same last name. He was open to taking my last name, but we decided on his so he and his kiddo could keep the same name. I dropped my original middle name and made my original last name into my middle name.

      At any rate, it’s definitely 100% your decision on what actually happens to your name. You’re the one who has to live with the name!

    22. Anon because I overshare here*

      You get to decide this one.

      FWIW I did change my name because I wanted to mark the life change that way, my husband did not pressure me. I try to go by both last names but a) most people drop my maiden name, which is in the middle, and b) over time I’ve never gotten used to it because I think my maiden name DID sound better on its own. Also once you’ve been yoked together financially and made your big life decisions together for a few years, having the same name doesn’t make you feel “more married.” I regret my choice, and wish I’d given myself a waiting period AFTER the wedding instead of agonizing before. It’s legally easier to change to your husband’s name after a year than change back.

      You know what you want in this case, more than I did. Don’t do it!

    23. Extra Vitamins*

      Compromise would be both of you changing to a new name (alternate the syllables of both your current names!). Or you could both keep your birth names. That is what I did. The only time it has come up is as an issue is at the veterinarian, of all places.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        Stupidly, some software programs don’t let you list more than one owner. For those programs, households with multiple names have to pick one, and you can make a note on the file that there’s a co-owner, but the co-owner’s name won’t come up on a name search. Doubly stupid, because in a show dog situation, sometimes the original breeder retains co-ownership (in order to maintain control of the bloodline) even though the owners don’t share a household or any relationship besides the dog.

    24. A Worker Bee*

      “changing my name legally but continuing to use my current name for all practical purposes”

      My advice is don’t change your name if you are not going to use the new one. to me, that just seems like the worst option.

    25. LilySparrow*

      If you were both interested in coming up with a plan together, then that would be the time for collaboration and compromise. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here.

      It’s your name, you decide. It sounds like your intended has (quite correctly) decided that his bias/preferences are his own issue to deal with. Let him! Don’t second-guess him.

      People change their names all the time, and it’s always some hassle, but it’s not always all at once.

      It’s okay if you change it, it’s okay if you don’t change it, and it’s okay if your decision evolves over time.

      FWIW, I changed my name, partly because in the place we were living, my maiden name was assumed to be of a different ethnicity than I am. My husband’s name matched my appearance, and put an end to the repetitive strange conversations about “but you don’t look X!”

      1. Little Bean*

        I am concerned about the opposite situation. My last name currently accurately reflects my ethnicity, of which I’m very proud. I’m worried that if I changed it, people would expect me to look differently and be surprised by my appearance.

    26. Temperance*

      I honestly think he just needs to get over it, and/or consider taking your name if he wants you to have the same last names.

      I’m married, and I apparently found the last male unicorn. He didn’t want me to change my name because he hates the practice. He introduces me to people as his wife, Temperance Brennan.

    27. Circus peanuts*

      I have been debating the same thing. My fiance doesn’t care if I take his name or not. I go back and forth on it. I could hyphenate but it would make my last name have about a third of the consonants be the letter R and it ends up being a tongue twister. Going to just his name as my last name makes it sound as if I have two first names. And right now, my name is so common that many people have the exact same name at my doctor’s, my financial advisor, my dentist, my work, etc., and my files have been intermixed with others people’s many times before. I think I am going to keep my last name but argh, all the mental debate on what is the best option is aggravating.

    28. EvilQueenRegina*

      My second cousin had a fight with her husband on Day 2 of the honeymoon – someone at the hotel had addressed her as “Mrs Baratheon” and she’d said “Actually, I’m still Cersei Lannister.” Her husband Robert went mad and started yelling that if she was going to be his wife she was going to take his name and they didn’t speak for several hours. The upshot was she took his name.

      For me personally I don’t much like my last name (have sometimes considered taking Mum’s maiden name but never actually done it) and would be okay with changing mine, but I think it’s a matter of personal preference and if you prefer to keep your own that’s what you should do.

      1. Lissa*

        Clearly her first problem was marrying Robert Baratheon, what a cad! :D seriously though, that upsets me that it ended with her giving in – it’s HER name! She shouldn’t be the one to “compromise” if it’s that important to him, he should.

    29. Hrovitnir*

      Keep your name! I understand the urge to give a little, but I can only see it being a way of extending the discomfort to no one’s real satisfaction.

      FWIW I would never change my surname, but (a) I also don’t want to get married unless I have to (which I may if I move overseas – I’ve been with my partner 14 years and he’s not bothered), and (b) I was raised with my mother’s surname and different names for my parents in the 80s and it was zero issue. Seriously.

      I was very disappointed when my mother gave her kids by her new partner his surname and made noises about matching their older half-sister (not me), but it was blatantly obvious it was because her partner would not have been OK with their kids having her name. *sigh*

      I had a lecturer who is in his 60s and has hyphenated with his wife’s name first, which I thought was pretty great. It allows him a fun acronym, and I honestly feel like a lot of the pain in hyphenation comes from other people being weird about it. Kids can just pick one of their surnames to hyphenate with if they want to continue it.

    30. fort hiss*

      I’m non-binary and married someone non-binary. We considered doing a namesmush but our names really don’t work well for that, so we just kept our own names. It saved tons of paperwork. I know it’s very easy to say you should tell him to get over it, but you can, and if that’s how you feel, you should! Keeping ties to your cultural heritage is important.

      If he’s so committed to a name change, why not take yours?

    31. Student*

      This is not the first time he’s been disappointed by something in your relationship. It won’t be the last.

      Put the shoe on the other foot – can you imagine for one minute telling him that you’d rather he went by a different name every day for the rest of his life, and then getting huffy if he rebuffed your (utterly inappropriate) suggestion?

      Your name impacts you so, so much more than it will ever impact him. If he was a little bit more conscious of that, he’d hide his preference better and defer to your judgement on it with grace. Pick what you want to do with your name, and ignore his opinion on it because it’s not his domain to opine on – just like you’d ignore him if he were expressing some utterly misplaced preference on what style of clothes you wear to work every day, what you eat for lunch, or what type of car you’ll drive daily. His opinion is inherently less important than yours is on matters that impact you much more than they do him.

    32. only acting normal*

      I did not change my name. It was never on the table. Husband was mildly disappointed at first but realised he wouldn’t want to change himself so…
      We let certain family members address stuff to Mr & Mrs Hisname because it’s not worth the argument.
      I’d recommend keeping your name legally and using his socially/with family – if you’re going for a mix-n-match approach. The other way round invites major hassles.

      (If anyone trots out the “but it’s your father’s name not yours” rubbish, 1) his name is only his father’s name too, and 2) why would you want *his* father’s name any better.)

  57. Can't Sit Still*

    My estranged brother called me from out of the blue. We hadn’t spoken in over a decade. I quit having anything to do with him once it was apparent that he was going to continue being a violent alcoholic and drug addict. I hoped for him to get better, but didn’t want to hang around and wait for it to happen. He was the Golden Child growing up, plus the precious oldest son/grandson, so he always go everything he wanted growing up. I paid my own way from when I was 14, my mother paid my brother’s rent well into his 20s. My grandparents always bailed him out of jail and paid for expensive lawyers (which is why he’s not in prison right now), while chastising me for my poor money management, meaning, not purchasing a house in Silicon Valley and repairing my elderly car, when I should have just bought a new one. Throwing good money after bad, you know, repairing a car instead of replacing it. Before we went no contact, my mother gleefully informed me that the grandparents gave him over $40k for his lawyers, and spent a lot a couple hundred thousand on rehab for him several times, in addition allowed him to live rent free in one of their properties. She wanted to remind me that I am nothing to them, since I can’t carry on the family name.

    He called me, he said, because our mother has been saying very nasty things to him lately for no reason, which is very much like her, except that I used to be her target. (My mother and I mutually went no contact years ago.) He’s also been sick and had a significant birthday recently, all possible reasons he might call me. OTOH, he’s an addict and an alcoholic. He sounded sober, but we have a lot of functional alcoholics in our family, too.

    So, has anyone had any success stories reconnecting with siblings or other loved ones after long estrangements, particularly due to drugs or alcohol? Cautionary tales are fine, too, since I so want this to be real, and it’s probably not, or he was sincere when he called me, but…

    I miss my brother and I want him to be well, but I don’t want to endanger myself or my family of choice, either.

    1. Elf*

      I haven’t been through this (I am not estranged from anyone, notably because the one I’d like to be estranged from is on my husband’s side of the family), but I really feel for you.

      I don’t think there is anything wrong with whatever decision you make, but if your heart wants to reconnect, I say go for it! with caution. Get back into contact, but don’t leap right in to introducing him to people currently in your life, or giving him info that would allow him to interfere. He clearly has your phone number, so have some more phone conversations. If it’s going well for a few months, maybe meet him in a neutral place (not your place/town or his). Take baby steps, keep your heart open, but keep your eyes open too.

      I really hope it works out for you.

    2. Loopy*

      If you do choose to reconnect, maybe go in with a time frame where you reevaluate how positive/healthy the reestablished is for you. It’ll force you to sit down and make a decision about it you need to disconnect again or can continue on.

      I reconnected with a family member that the entire family doesn’t speak to or mention. However, they have successfully been a positive and healthy part of my life. There were no addiction issues but I went in with in agreement with myself that I wouldn’t continue contact unless it was an overall healthy thing for me.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      For me, “I don’t know” means No. This is a very cautious approach.

      However, you can limit the points of contact such as phone or email just to get a feel for how things are going now.

      You do have more than one hurdle to jump here. There is how he acted and treated others because of his addiction AND there is how you were treated because you were the Less Valued Child. The latter is not his fault. However if he fed into it and treated you like crap because it was allowed then THAT part IS his fault.

      For me I like to listen closely to what people think of to say. Some statements reveal an incredible amount of internal self-examination and people can only make those statements IF they themselves have changed. I have a friend who describes himself as a recovering assh—. He talks about the things he did and he talks about what he misunderstood about life. I can see he is not having those behaviors any more, so his walk matches his talk also.

    4. Can't Sit Still*

      I talked to him today and he’s really unwell. I think maintaining a distant relationship is best for now, as much as I would like for it to work out that we could see each other again. We are effectively strangers at this point in time, and I need to remember that. We can start slowly rebuilding the relationship and see where it goes from there.

      1. valentine*

        I’d be wary your mom and the grandparents set this in motion in an attempt to claw you back. Even if not, unless he commits to protecting your no-contact by not mentioning them, he’s potentially reintroducing all that horror to your life. You can set whatever boundaries you want, even if he turns out to be a good friend, that protect your family, such as not carrying a lot of valuables around him and not allowing him in your vehicle or home, and having expendable contact info. Issendei has good stuff on estrangement.

        1. Can't Sit Still*

          Yes, I do have that in the back of my mind. My grandmother is dead, my grandfather is dying, and my mother disowned me, so it’s definitely possible.

    5. Circus peanuts*

      Honestly, I would talk it over with a therapist for a session or two. There are too many layers, people, and years to get through this easily and having a neutral outsider to raise questions and help clear the way for a hopefully good resolution might be the way to go.

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        My therapist thinks it’s a trap. I don’t know that she’s wrong. Unfortunately, she’s taking her first long vacation in years next week. So I’ll be navigating carefully without her.

    6. Earthwalker*

      Not much encouragement here. Every time my brother reconnected he needed money. It was to get on his feet in recovery from alcoholism, he said. This time for sure. But before the month was out the money as going for booze again.

    7. Jersey's mom*

      It sounds like the financial base for him and your mother is crumbling, with one grandparent gone, and the other in poor health. I would be extremely cautious that he/mom are testing the water to create a “relationship” to get money.

      If he really wanted a relationship, he could have emailed/texted/called anytime in the past ten years – but the contact is now, when he is looking at potentially being poor.

      If you decide to talk with him, make the discussion about him. Do not talk about your chosen family, your home/location (not even what part of town you live in), job or even the stuff you have. Discussing these things with him are handing him weapons that he can use on you.

      Direct conversation toward what he’s doing, or innocuous things — tv shows, books, things going on in the news, etc. The key here is to protect yourself and your chosen family.

    8. Arjay*

      I’m not sure this is a cautionary tale, but just my experience in a similar situation. When my estranged brother called me, he got voicemail and left a message that basically said, “Hey, it’s your brother. I screwed up again and need help. So call me back if you want…”

      I wanted to call. But I started thinking about what kind of help he might need and what kind of help I might be able to offer. I didn’t have any money to spare. I had a one-bedroom apartment. But I had a couch! And as soon as I thought of that, my mind went straight to him stealing from me / selling my stuff for drugs. So my gut knew I really had nothing to offer to this stranger on my answering machine. It still makes me sad sometimes, but I’m also confident it was the right decision for me.

    9. Student*

      What on earth do you hope to gain by reconnecting with this brother?

      If the only thing you want out of this “relationship” is to find out you’re right and better than your brother, don’t do it. I’ll offer you an anonymous internet stranger’s validation of your life instead. You are right, and you are better than your brother and the rest of your family. You don’t need to reconnect with him to find out exactly what kind of miserable wreck he is and what a hash of it your family has become.

      Reconnecting with people like this will never lead you to happiness. It will only lead to more pain and rejection from them. You already know that’s exactly what they’re offering you – more pain and rejection. The couple glorious minutes of smug superiority you’ll get when you hear about their pain isn’t worth it!

    10. btdt2*

      I don’t have any experience with reconciling with them, but I’m reminded of a quote from the MIL boards where someone asked, what do they do when their scapegoat leaves the field of battle?

      The answer was, a new scapegoat is selected who will try to bring the original one back.

  58. Wendy Darling*

    You know that nightmare where your tooth just falls out for kind of no reason and you’re like wtf? Yeah so that happened.

    This month I’ve been to the ER and the emergency dentist. It is BS. Today I bought myself a playstation 4 because I deserve a consolation prize. The entire rest of my tax return is being spent on medical bills and a dental implant. :(

    1. Thursday Next*

      :( indeed. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. You deserve that consolation prize—enjoy it!

      1. Wendy Darling*

        The good news is my partner, whose insurance I’m on, has outrageously excellent dental coverage so the implant is not actually costing me all that much. Also because of the ER bill I just blasted through our entire deductible for the year and it’s only 1/4 over, so the rest of my medical care for this year is basically free!

  59. Casuan*

    How do you read AAM & other message/comment boards?

    Normally I’m good with technology, although this RSS thing is driving me bonkers. I’m late to the RSS thing because I hadn’t really needed such a thing until recently.

    Recently I posted to ask how others access RSS feeds. Feedly was the most recommended on AAM & from my own research. So I installed the app. I’m… underwhelmed. It’s more work than just looking on individual websites.
    I’ve looked at a few other readers & they seem to be the same.

    What am I missing?
    My biggest problem is with the commenting feeds. I guess I was expecting a system like the old feeds like one could read in Outlook, where the messages are threaded [side note: I don’t use Outlook any more].
    Instead, the comments are posted individually & they aren’t threaded. Also, the apps seem to select which comments to show even tho I have set preferences. It seems that Flipboard is the same, although I haven’t played around as much on it. Flipboard’s interface is gorgeous, although I don’t need gorgeous & that precludes the premise of RRS.

    Is there programme/app that does this or if I want threaded I just need to be on the webpage?

    Thanks for comments & suggestions!

    1. Nicole76*

      I use Feedly to read new articles on the sites I follow, but I open the page up in my browser to read the comments. Perhaps that would work better for you as well.

    2. Abelard*

      I use The Old Reader (theoldreader.com) for my rss feeds. I only use RSS for articles though, I’ve found no matter what comment feeds are difficult (I tried a bunch of different readers before settling on the old reader). I’ve never actually tried the app, i just use my phone’s browser and it all works fine. (Rather I should say any of the apps–The Old Reader doesn’t have an official app, but it does have a lot of apps that integrate/support it.)

      (The old reader was created to provide a similar solution to Google Reader after an update to Google Reader many people didn’t like but a few years after that Google Reader was discontinued The old reader is still going strong.)

      I really just like the simplicity of The Old Reader’s interface.

  60. IrritatedAtTheSituation*

    How do I report a predatory landlord when it’s a houseshare and the main family owns the house and are landlords? I don’t want to go into details right now since I’m still looking to move out as fast as possible; it involves inappropriate boundary pushing and sexual harassment.

    1. fposte*

      It depends completely on where you are. In the U.S., tenant laws tend to be by city or by state; I’d Google “tenants rights mystate” and see what you get,

      In the U.S., the harassment is likely to be the issue; inappropriate boundary pushing, unless it means accessing your rented space without permission, not so much.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Also look up any city-specific regulations—larger cities have tenant laws (and sometimes help hotlines).

      2. Triple Anon*

        Yes. And I would look into both tenants’ rights and laws that could apply to the behavior in general.

  61. Someone else*

    Does anyone have experience with mentoring foster youth? In my area there are frequent advertisements that, though of course there is a need for certified foster parents, there’s also a very high need for mentors. I can’t seem to find any more information about what that entails. The county website basically just says “We need mentors! Call or email NameOfPersonInChargeOfMentors for more info.” I don’t really want to do that yet at this stage, since the website makes it seem like “want more info? call this guy.” “want to apply to actually do it? call same guy.” There’s no one-sheet or even a paragraph.
    If anyone has done been involved in foster mentoring before, what was it like? I realize there are probably regional differences but if you have anything to share, thanks in advance.

    1. Red Reader*

      I volunteer with a teen mentoring program, though my match isn’t a foster kid. Basically we just go out and do something every couple weeks, our program expects 2 visits per month. There’s not too much more to it beyond that — I mean, ours has a scholarship/academic tie, so my match has some other obligations toward that end (keeping up her grades, completing a couple of required activities through the year to qualify for the scholarship program, stuff like that), but I don’t have too much else that I have to do.

    2. LizB*

      I do something like foster mentoring professionally, and it’s incredibly rewarding. The various systems and professionals these kids are surrounded by can be a huge headache to deal with, but as a volunteer mentor you hopefully wouldn’t have to do too much of that wrangling, and the kids themselves are just regular kids who want someone to care about them and show up for them. Some kids are immediately thrilled to have an adult in their lives who is showing a genuine interest in them; some kids take a while to warm up because they’ve had lots of adults show up and then disappear in their lives already. They may need someone to start teaching them the basic adulting skills that most people get from their parents (how to sign up for drivers ed, how to order a pizza, how to make a grocery list and cook a basic meal). If they’re in the school play or a band concert or whatnot, it can mean the world to them if you show up; it’s not a guarantee that any other adults in their lives will. No matter what the format of the mentoring program is in your area, the most important things are to make sure you can make a commitment to be there consistently, and to really listen to your mentee and let them take the lead, since there’s probably no other aspect of their life where they’re getting to do that.

      It kind of sucks that your county doesn’t have more information and guidance available, but it also doesn’t surprise me. If you’re even a little bit interested at this stage, I definitely encourage you to contact the guy listed on the website and find out more! If it works out and you’re able to mentor a foster kid, you’d be making a huge difference.

    3. To your point*

      It might be helpful to reach out to the local chapter of Big Brother, Big Sister- they can tell you more about mentoring in general (as well as what’s specific to them). Their site was useful when I was there a few years ago, but I haven’t been since so I’m not sure how much information about fostering it has.

      1. Someone else*

        I actually specifically wasn’t looking to work with BBBS, but a program that’s within the actual county foster care system. Although since you mentioned it, I did go to the website of the local BBBS and their “learn more” link led me to a 404. My web research on this so far seems to be a comedy of errors…

  62. Ryden*

    Is it weird to go to the doctor with your spouse in the US? I apologize if I am overthinking this and, as a result, you find this annoying to read.
    I am a woman of color and an immigrant in my late 20s. The US has become my adopted country, but during all of my time here, I have avoided going to the doctor despite having decent insurance! I just really don’t like talking about my health and being asked questions about my history and habits. I finally cannot ignore my health issues any longer, so I chose a primary care provider and I will be going to see her in a few days. My question is – will it be really awkward or odd if my husband comes in with me to see the doctor? I know people sometimes go with relatives to the doctor’s office, but does the relative actually go in to see the doctor or do they sit in the waiting room instead? It might sound silly, but it’s important for me to “fit in” in terms of social and cultural norms. I am concerned that if he accompanies me, it might look like I am not a capable adult and/or that I defer to my husband (who is a White dude). At the same time, I do want him there with me because it will make me less anxious about seeing the doctor. Any advice?

    1. Momma Bear*

      My husband and I have done both. I’ve waited in the waiting room if he doesn’t feel the need to have me there. I’ve gone back with him and taken notes when he wanted that. I’ve gone back with him and participated in the discussion when he was feeling overwhelmed.
      And he’s done all of the same for me.
      I think there isn’t any one norm, and you should do what make you feel comfortable. If you choose to have him come back with you, you can ask him to just take notes and not participate in the discussion if that helps you feel less anxious and still be independent.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I think the only time my husband wasn’t allowed in the examining room was for ladies only type examinations. Any other time the doctor didn’t bat an eye.

      The last time we had a regular check up, we actually coordinated our appointments so we could just do one after the other, both go in together and leave when he was done with both of us and it worked out nicely, we could both be there for the other and just get it over with quickly.

      1. Paquita*

        DH and I do that often. Our wonderful PCP moved to another office 45 minutes away, BOO (but 5 minutes from his house) and I have not seen the new guy yet.

    3. HannahS*

      I’m Canadian, not American, but it is absolutely normal here for the relatives to come in the room with the patient, even for a young or middle-aged couple. I can’t promise that the doc won’t be condescending but if they do, it’ll be for the “usual” racism and sexism, not because it’s odd that your husband came in with you, if that makes sense.

    4. Red Reader*

      It’s not abnormal, as long as they don’t somehow get the impression that he’s there against your wishes. Depending on the purpose of the visit, they may be concerned that you won’t feel comfortable answering their questions fully with your husband in the room, but if you’re pretty straightforward with the doc that you’d like husband to be there for reasons xyz, shouldn’t be a problem. (And if it is, then maybe consider a new doc.)

    5. ChiAnon*

      My husband has come back with me before, and it didn’t seem to faze the doctor at all! It can be helpful to have a second person there to take notes and ask questions that might not occur to you.

    6. Sparkly Librarian*

      You are allowed (and entitled) to have a person of your choice with you to advocate for your care, if you choose to. Many people do not choose to take someone in with them, so it may appear unusual to some, but the medical providers should be used to it. Stating your preference explicitly — “I would like to bring my husband with me to my appointment, so he can take notes. It will make me feel more comfortable when I see the doctor.” should result in a positive response (or if the office staff have any concerns, they can discuss them with you or with the doctor before the day of your appointment). I have found it common nowadays for medical professionals to enforce at least a few moments alone with the provider, to allow for the possibility of disclosure of private information including domestic abuse. When I requested to bring my wife into my exam, and later into an outpatient surgery (to hold my hand and talk to me as I needed distraction from the procedure under local anesthetic), the nurse or medical assistant brought me back to the office first and asked me the standard questions (“Do you feel safe at home?”) before inviting my wife in from the waiting room.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      This may not come up, but in case it does: if you seem very outwardly anxious and you say you want your husband there the whole time, some practitioners may be concerned that your husband is abusive and/or controlling, and that he’s forced you to say that so he can keep an eye on you. Don’t be surprised if they ask at the end to speak to you alone briefly to ask if you are OK, and if you really wanted your husband in the room with you. By that time you will probably be at least a little more comfortable, and you can say that it’s because of your anxiety in general, or about your health, or just for the emotional support…whatever words fit for you. You really don’t *have* to explain yourself, but they may ask, so it’s best to be prepared.

      1. Natalie*

        And importantly, if that does happen it’s not because you did anything wrong! It’s just a standard treatment component – I have been asked if I feel safe at home at multiple appointments for the last few years, along with questions about seat belts and calcium.

    8. Not Alison*

      One other thought to consider is that at some point in time during the appointment, you might want to consider having your husband step out of the room momentarily. Nowadays health care professionals often ask if you feel safe with your spouse and this would give your doctor the opportunity to ask you this without having your husband monitor your answer.
      (Sorry for this comment if it is not necessitated by the situation but I just finished reading the book Behind Closed Doors by B.A.Paris and the whole situation was pretty scary)

    9. Bex*

      My husband and I live in the US and English isn’t his first language, and I usually go into his appointments with him. It makes communication a lot easier and with medical care you really want to make sure you have full comprehension! No one has ever questioned whether it’s appropriate for me to be there.

      My dad (born and raised in the US) has chronic health issues so sees a lot of doctors. My mom is a nurse and almost always goes with him as well since she often has a whole extra set of questions, above and beyond what my dad might ask. Sometimes my sister and I go when she can’t make it, because my dad likes having a second person to listen, Again, no one bats an eye as long as my dad says it’s fine for us to be there.

    10. Notthemomma*

      I get wanting to do what is culturally appropriate! I’m a white woman married to a white man and we at different times, both gone into the exam room for each other’s appointments, waited in the waiting room the entire time, and waited in the waiting room for a while then asked to have the other come into the exam room. I feel providers will want you to be at ease, be able to speak to your issues, and if language/communication is a concern, would appreciate having someone with you to assist. Be aware that many providers are required to ask if there is any concern of abuse, if you have religious preferences in relation to your care, and will ask about alcohol/drug use; if your provider asks, this is not specific to you, but to allow them to tailor their care for you.

    11. LadyKelvin*

      I’ve never had my husband go with me to the doctor except for a surgery for which I was especially nervous. Out-patient and no general anesthesia but he came and waited in the waiting room for me. He does go to all my dentist appointments though and holds my hand during the cleaning, etc. I’m super anxious about dentists and if he’s there I don’t have to take a Valium to get through it. I would say its pretty normal, especially if you have some health problems and would like to have a second set of ears there to help you navigate the treatments. For a regular check-up it would be slightly weirder, but not so unusual that you would look out of place.

    12. Peanut*

      I’ve gone in with my long term boyfriend to his appointments, and if I wanted him to accompany me, he certainly would also. Don’t worry about whether it is normal or not – whatever will make you most comfortable is fine!

    13. Thlayli*

      I go by myself, but if I was nervous like you I wouldn’t hesitate to ask my husband to come with me. I don’t think it’s weird at all. It would be no harm to tell the doctor up front that you always feel nervous around doctors and that’s why your husband is there.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      When my husband got sick I went to every single one of his appointments with him. All 67 spread over 8 docs. I was asked to leave the room once when they did a spinal thing but that was because of contamination/germs. Once they put the needles away I was allowed back in the room.

      I think many times docs are happy to see someone with the patient. For one thing it puts a third party in the room. But also it means someone else is listening to the instructions so chances are greater that treatments will be followed.

      My husband went with me to some appointments, likewise, no one ever said anything about his presence in the room.

    15. LilySparrow*

      At the clinic where I volunteer, he would not be allowed back until after the medical staff had the opportunity to meet with you privately, to avoid coercion.
      If they had no reason to suspect you were at risk, they’d allow him back if you requested him to be with you.

    16. Kuododi*

      It’s not wierd at all. DH went to all of my post surgery exams following uterine CA diagnosis. (He also slept in a chair beside my bed while I was in hospital.). This all took place however back at the Dawn of Time before HIPAA. It is a safe bet you will find additional “administrative” issues in order to get what you want. Specific details will certainly vary from provider to provider. Just know what you need and stick to your guns. Blessings and best wishes.

      1. Natalie*

        I’ve gone to a ton of appointments with my spouse in the last year or so and HIPAA has never come up, nor have we had to sign anything to do any additional administrative stuff.

    17. valentine*

      You can do whatever you want. You’re allowed a support person (or people) and you can ask for a female nurse, regardless of the provider’s gender. Rather than thinking him your guardian, providers may treat you better, even unconsciously, because he’s a dude and white.

    18. Belle di Vedremo*

      Not weird, but you may want to set up guidelines with your husband before going in.

      Eg, often medical people will talk to the companion rather than the patient so you may want to agree that if that happens Husband will remind them to talk with you, not him. I took a friend with me to look at glasses options, and the optometrist started asking him how samples fit, etc. He would respond with variations of “I don’t know, why don’t you ask her?” Optometrist finally got it, and was a bit embarrassed.

      More and more we hear about how smart it is to have a second person at medical appts so that you have two sets of ears to track and retain information and to ask questions.

  63. Elizabeth West*

    I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

    I’ve said before how small my stupid little house is, and how much I hate it because besides falling apart, it’s full of clutter. The back bedroom (I have two) has been a repository for junk and a craft room for ages. Around the walls I have a small banquet table on which I do projects and where my sewing machine sits, a computer station with my old laptop next to my large laser printer, bookshelves, and a dresser full of fabric from skating sewing and assorted crap. I have one closet in that room and another in my bedroom—that is it for the house. I had a giant dolls house and a few boxes of miniatures stuff sitting near the table, and one tiny dolls house on top of it. I have a wicker shelf full of electronics boxes and odds and ends, and near that, my record stand and ALL my luggage (four suitcases, two backpacks, a duffle, and several totes), which wouldn’t fit anywhere. The room has been hard to keep clean. There is no other storage in here. I have an attic room above the garage, but it only has a wall ladder going into it and you just can’t put stuff up there.

    The other day, I cleaned out the closet. I emptied clothes and coats out of it and they’re destined for a monster garage sale when the weather cooperates. The big dolls house and the boxes are now in the garage, where they will stay–only the tiny one, my art supplies, and one other project are under/on the table. All the luggage is now in the closet, and some of it went into the garage sale pile. Then I attacked my bedroom closet. The floor is much neater, and I threw out a TON of junky, worn-out clothing. I filled an entire giant lawn-sized bin bag with rubbish.

    Next is the dresser. I think I will either sell or donate all my skating fabric and trim to my former skating club (I’ll keep my patterns; they don’t take up much room). I kept my skating dresses; if I go back to it later, I can remake or reuse them. After that, the shelves. Once they’re cleaned off, I can move stuff off the craft table and have more room there, which will improve the working space to the point where I actually want to work in it. Projects may actually get done.

    I can reach the corners. I can see the edges of the floor instead of just the center. The room looks more spacious already. Ima rearrange it a little. And new rule: everything in the garage is either going to STAY in the garage or leave the property entirely. Nothing comes back into the house until it’s needed for an active project, right at that second.

    The Great Purge has begun! \0/

    6. Thlayli*

      Whoohoo well done!

      I really need to clear out stuff. I used to be quite good at being minimalist but since having the kids it’s so hard to find the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in an episode of extreme hoarders!

      I hope I get some inspiration from your post.

    7. Dr. Doll*

      Good for you! And I hope this clear-out leads to other positive changes for you too. I have a leadership coach who used to help professionals with clutter, who points out that good spaces can give return on investment in several different areas. (e.g. clearer heads, better decisions, less damn I thought I had a weebleflotz guess I have to go buy one damn just found it guess I have two now).

    9. Not So NewReader*

      When I do this stuff, I feel years younger and pounds lighter. Go, YOU! Enjoy your wins.

    10. I Love Thrawn*

      Awesome! I’m all about keeping things to a reasonable minimum. My father was a major level hoarder, so that made a deep impression.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Thanks all!

      I’ve just been too lazy or bummed out to do it. But it’s gotten to the point where it’s annoying and a little embarrassing to have so much crap around that I don’t even use. And I’d like to not have so much to deal with if I end up moving. In my universe request/plan, I get the hell out of here, so I’m trying to manifest that by actually dumping stuff now. The goal is to reduce it by half. I want a cleaner space. This house is a piece of shit, but having less stuff will make it easier to bear until I can leave, and I think it will make me feel less anchored. Now if I can only get my mum to stop buying me crap. :P

      The craft stuff is the hardest. If I build in some crafting time, I can use it up. The garage is a problem in itself–but getting stuff out of the actual house has been an ordeal. Hence the new rule. Plus, I’m hoping to find a couple of things that my house apparently ate. A pair of brand-new leggings, a hoodie, a brand-new Harry Potter t-shirt, and several books. Da hell, house?!

    13. nep*

      And you’ve inspired me. I’d been planning to get at more of my closet this weekend (it’s a work in progress). I’ve now taken a bunch of clothes off shelves and put them on the bedroom floor — giant trash bag at the ready. Love purging. So many things in this closet I’ve not touched in a lonnnnng time.
      Purging (and it’s sunny outside) = instant joy.

  64. Adulting (30s)*

    (Medium) regular commenter, going anon for this one:

    How do you deal with feeling as though your friends/family members are “doing life” better than you are? My younger sibling (4 years younger) is married; both she & her partner are high earners; they bought their first house and are renovating the whole back yard. One of my cousins (who is basically like another sibling to me in terms of closeness) is getting married this autumn, and his two sisters are also dating. I’m really happy for them all, so I’m not envious precisely. It’s just . . . I’m older than everyone, never married, never even dated. Also! I’m starting a PhD program in the fall (I’m in my early 30s) and left an actual job with health insurance to do so, so I’m about to go from modest but stable income to so. dirt. poor.

    I feel as though I’m missing big life milestones that I should be making, that I’m the only one who can’t settle down and just do something with my life, and move up.

    This is probably not true. I’m sure I’m as adulty and competent as anyone. But I feel pretty discouraged. How do y’all deal with this? Help?

    1. Loopy*

      This may not be helpful but hopefully it’s encouraging: I am one of those people who look successful from the outside. I personally got it from taking a very safe, cautious path in life. I would be terrified to start something like a ph.D program and leave a “safe” job even if I desperately wanted to.

      There is a massive value in having the courage and will to take a leap like that and most people seem so much happier from the other side.

      There are so many aspects to happy and successful and what you’re doing for yourself now is absolutely one. I’m jealous of people who take routes like that, knowing I probably wouldn’t.

      1. Adulting (30s)*

        Thank you! This terrifies me too!

        Part of the reason I’m doing this is that I WANT to be the kind of person who does things that terrify her . . . but that doesn’t make it easier in the moment, especially since PhD programs outside of the hard sciences have a hard job market these days (though the program I am leaning towards has a strong track record in placing its graduates).

    2. Theodoric of York*

      Being in a Ph.D program should help. You are advancing in a different direction than your family and friends.

    3. HannahS*

      One thing for me that was a useful exercise was thinking about my feelings, and distinguishing between “I want what they have,” “I don’t want what they have but I don’t have what I want,” “I’m failing at meeting the social norms of my culture and I feel bad/guilty for it” and “Oh no! Everyone’s judging me!” It mattered, because I’d express dissatisfaction with my life and people would be all “It’s ok, Hannah! Everyone’s on their own journey!!!” or “We all know you’ve had some additional challenges!!!” (I had/have some health stuff) and I’d feel really annoyed with those responses. I realized that all the usual messages of “Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel,” etc. didn’t work for me because the fundamental problem was that I didn’t have what I wanted in life. So it wasn’t so much a matter of jealousy, exactly, but more that other people’s success reminded me that I wasn’t living the life I wanted due to circumstances outside of my control. So it could be useful to think about what underlies your feelings first, before figuring out what to do. Do you need to remember that no one’s life is perfect, and that no one has exactly what they want? Do you need to stop comparing yourself to other people? Do you need to forgive yourself for mistakes you made when you were younger? Do you need to make peace with circumstances you couldn’t control?

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        I realized that all the usual messages of “Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel,” etc. didn’t work for me because the fundamental problem was that I didn’t have what I wanted in life. So it wasn’t so much a matter of jealousy, exactly, but more that other people’s success reminded me that I wasn’t living the life I wanted due to circumstances outside of my control.

        Oh, wow. You just articulated exactly why I’ve always hated when people say that. Never been able to explain it before.

          1. HannahS*

            Yeah, it’s like, the problem wasn’t that I had this normal life but was getting thrown off by other people’s curated insta-feeds, and all I needed was to count my blessings. The problem was that I had Very Big Problems at the time, and I needed to grieve and make peace with them.

    4. Not Alison*

      You could be me. Mostly didn’t ever date until I moved and started a master’s program. Tried internet dating and after about 10 loser dates was lucky enough to meet my amazing husband. Ended up getting married the same day as my graduation (which I ended up missing).

      Am sending positive thoughts and energy your way so that you will meet someone amazing as well!

      1. Adulting (30s)*

        Thanks! I’ve tried internet dating and basically hate it. My hope is that moving to a larger city with a university will make it easier to meet people.

    5. AnonRightNow*

      Honestly? This is why I eat a whole lot of cake. My lack of success (my definition) in life has me extremely depressed and cake is my drug of choice. No real advice, but I’m sorry you feel this way, it sucks. Hugs from this internet stranger.

    6. Agnodike*

      You’re the one who has to live in your life, so shouldn’t the metrics you use to evaluate it be about what you want, not what other people choose?

      Everybody has a finite amount of time, energy, and money, and we invest those things where we want them. If you bought a house and renovated the back yard, would you be able to afford a Ph.D. program? If you were investing a lot in the dating scene to try to find a life partner, what other activities and pursuits would that time and energy be borrowed from? Your siblings and cousins made choices that shut down some possibilities for themselves just like you have; they just picked different possibilities to open up and to shut down than you did.

      Who gets to decide how you “should” spend your precious, limited resources? I submit that the only person who should reasonably make that call is you. You choose what milestones you want to place on the road ahead of you. You decide what success looks like. You’re the expert on your own life, so you’re the one who calls the shots.

    7. Geeky*

      I’m nearly 40 and I haven’t fallen in love yet or dated a lot. I haven’t dated in more than a decade.
      My career is not going as smoothly as my other successful classmates either.
      But I count the blessings that I have. You may not have romantic love, but you have a family that loves you or a pet that loves you. Some people don’t even have a family to count on, so be grateful for that. You can go to school is a blessing, since some people can’t go to school even if they want to.
      Maybe love and success will arrive for us later in life. Don’t give up. Just do the best you can at the current moment.

    8. FrontRangeOy*

      You keep doing the things that ring true to you. So.Dirt.Poor sucks (been there, just crawling out now) but it’s a little easier to tolerate when you know it’s for a period of time, for a specific reason.

    9. Overeducated*

      I feel that way a lot (posted elsewhere about my friends who became doctors in hugh paying areas and the like…those are the ones who make you doubt your life choices). And I guess I think about the bigger implication of thinking about life milestones on a schedule – what prize do you get for getting there first? None. What’s the finish line? Death. Uh…right. No rush then….

  65. I'm A Little TeaPot*

    Contractors. Ugh. Share your horror stories!

    I’m rewiring my house – OLD house! Knob & tube, aluminum, and original Romex. Project is done now, just need the inspection. The contractor boss has been a bit odd all along, the guys doing the work are just fine. Until this last week at least – the idiot tried to cheat me and I shut him down hard. So he switched tactics to emotional manipulation and quasi harassment. Which just makes me dig in my heels harder. Hoping to get the inspection done ASAP so I can be done with this idiot.

    Best part is, he only got the job because a friend who’s in the trades and is well known and respected in the area recommended him. Said friend is now pissed at how this guy’s been acting – and he knows exactly how because the electrician tried to get my friend to get me to pay him. What a way to shoot yourself in the foot.

    1. Nacho*

      Not my story, but my parents.

      Our fence was falling down and needed to be replaced, badly. We new our neighbors had hired a guy to do their fence a few months back and asked for his number. Guy agrees to do it super cheep/doesn’t charge any tax, so we hire him and pay him 50% up front for supplies/lumbar/etc…

      Guy does about a third of the work, then stops answering our calls and drops off the face of the earth. Comes back to us with a sob story about how he was evicted/somebody stole his tools, and he spent our down payment on other stuff and no longer has the money to buy lumbar for our fence. Wants us to pay him even more upfront to cover the lumbar he was supposed to buy with the first $3k we gave him. Then it turns out he pulled the same shit on our neighbors , and they didn’t think it was important to tell us when we asked for his number.

      We eventually bought the lumbar ourselves (because there was no way in hell we were just giving him more money) and he promised to finish the fence. That was months ago, and last I checked the fence is nowhere near done.

  66. speed dating*

    Has anyone done speed dating? Pros/cons? Success stories? Horror stories?

    I’m a bi woman and while I’ve never had a problem meeting men, I’ve had a lot of trouble meeting women. There’s a lot of lesbian/bi speed dating events in my city and while I’m interested, I’m also terrified to go to one.

    So, stories? Help me get over this anxiety so I can sign up?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I did it a couple of times, back in 2009-2010. I’m a hetero woman who was looking to meet men, so YMMV, but I enjoyed it. My biggest tip: go with a friend or friends (and plan to go out afterwards to compare notes). My second biggest tip: expect nothing. I met one guy who I went out with a few times and another guy I went out with once; I really liked the second guy, but it wasn’t a romantic connection. I had a lot of fun, though. Some of the “dates” were a bit of a slog, but then, it was only 8 minutes. It did kind of suck when I was trying to be open-minded and saying yes to a bunch of guys who didn’t say yes to me, but it was also pretty easy to move on.

      But if you can, definitely go with friends. I went to a few events on my own and it was fine, but being with friends was so much better. Made it into more of an evening out.

      1. speed dating*

        I have no friends to go with. They either don’t live in the same state or are in relationships. :(

    2. HannahS*

      I did it once! It was exhausting, but fine. I matched with quite a few people (I was fairly liberal with who I said yes to) and went on a couple of dates. Didn’t meet anyone spectacular, but it wasn’t a bad experience, by any means.

  67. Friendly*

    I have this high school friend that I still talk to back home, but in the last few years when I talk to her she always seem to put me down or call me names. She wasn’t like that. I think at one point she was jealous of me, but now that I’m worse off than before she kinds of gloats of it. I called her out before, but she denied she said anything mean. I noticed she would giggle after I thought she said something mean. She had always been smarter and more successful than me, but socially I’m not as nerdy as her though I’m still geeky. I don’t understand why she has to feel she needs to put me down and wish I don’t achieve farther. I want to end the relationship and never talk to her again, but then I will lose out on having a friend from childhood. What should I do?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Honestly, that’s not a friendship. Someone who says mean things or gloats isn’t a friend. A friend makes you feel good about yourself and lifts you up. I’d end it and not feel bad about it.

    2. periwinkle*

      Lose her. You’ve called her out on her toxic, hurtful behavior; she denied it was happening and then continued the behavior – for several more years.

      Friends don’t do that. You can give it another try and talk with her again but honestly, is it really worth it? The age of a friendship does not make up for the lack of quality in the friendship.

      TBH, I don’t keep in touch with any childhood friends. Proximity does not equal long-term compatibility.

    3. nep*

      Seems you have already lost having a friend from childhood.
      Sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’d say it’s time to think more about yourself and being treated with respect (and as a friend), and let go of an abstraction.

    4. all aboard the anon train*

      Why the focus on not wanting to lose a childhood friend? You mention this as the reason for not distancing yourself, but is there a particular reason why you’re so focused on it?

      She seems like a bad friend and you’d be better off without that negativity in your life.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh. This person is NOT your friend. She’s being really rude to you.

      We don’t need to keep things from our childhood if they’re not working for us once we’re adults. Think of it like a shirt that you’ve grown out of. You’ve become an adult and moved past her in terms of maturity and she’s still stuck in middle school. You’re not obligated to hold yourself back and let her pick on you.

      If you want to end the relationship, you have the power to do that. You don’t have to be mean back; just don’t talk to her anymore.

      1. Friendly*

        I tried to ignore her calls, but she keep texting me and requesting to talk to me every weekend. She doesn’t seem to get it that I don’t want to talk to her. I had to literally block her from calling. I thought I give her another chance and decided talk to her again, but again she was mean. I don’t know why she keeps seeking to talk to me and yet always sneaks in a hurtful comment. I will have to block her again and ignore her. You are right I need to remove toxic people out of my life. It’s just sad that I will have no more childhood friends. It is hard for me to meet friends that is why I’m trying to hold onto this toxic friendship. Thanks for listening to me.

    6. Casuan*

      +1 to the comments so far.

      You said it’s difficult to make new friends.

      Would you really rather be around someone who puts you down & leaves you feeling bad than to be alone with a good book or doing the activity of your choice?
      Instead of doing something you enjoy, you hang out with someone who takes joy in making you feel like a bad person.
      No contest.

      My suggestion is that you need to let this not-friend go so you can recalibrate & meet others who will at the least not put you down [& deny it!] & at best become true friends.
      to rephrase: You need to get rid of the toxin so you can heal.

      This is never an easy decision; if you decide to let this friendship go I doubt that you’d regret it. I’ve been in this situation several times & I’ve never regretted stepping back from such toxic people.

      just so someone gives you this perspective…:
      If you still want to try to keep the childhood [non-]friend, then make one last effort by being very direct with her: tell her that you don’t like how she treats you & that you don’t appreciate when she disavows that behaviour. Her reaction will tell her all you need to know. If she commits to doing better & if you’re okay with that, then give her another chance.

      If you still don’t feel valued or uplifted by her, then you really should just tell her that you prefer not to talk with her any longer. You can be honest as to why.

  68. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I have tennis elbow. Not sure what’s brought it on but I’m prone to RSI type stuff. I now am also getting not-yet-diagnosed shoulder and upper arm pain.

    I’m mostly just whining, because IT BLOODY HURTS and keeps waking me up. But if anyone has any suggestions as to what I can do while I’m waiting for physio (long story, long wait) that would be awesome. *wanders off mumbling about painkillers not helping*

    1. soupmonger*

      I’ve had tennis elbow, and it’s horrible! Google ‘tennis elbow strap’ and buy ome. It’s a support strap with Velcro which you wrap around the top of your lower arm, below the elbow. It really helps, and fixed mine (it took a few weeks). But yeah, I had it years ago and I still prefer to carry anything heavy with my other arm than the tennis elbow one. Ow.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Thank you so much! I don’t know why but neither my usually-amazing doctors nor my work’s occ health are being any use. Meanwhile it’s been getting worse for over two months and I’m getting increasingly whiny ;)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Agreeing with the tennis elbow support strap.

        Drug stores here sell them for $20 or more. But we have a grocery store that sells them for about $5 bucks.

        They are WONDERFUL! You will have to wear it for a few weeks, I agree. Wearing it to bed is no problem and seems to help move things along.

        If you have a friend who is a massage therapist maybe she will show you how to massage it, that will help, too. But it’s an optional step, not a necessary step.

        One additional thing I did was watch how I used that arm during the day. I have odd habits of resting on the arm and other such things. So I tried to avoid my habits that might exasperate the situation.

    2. fposte*

      If you don’t have one already, Google “Theraband Flexbar.” Try the easiest one if you try one.

      And this is a big YMMV, but the thing that really helped me was pushups. Weight-bearing while straightening my arms completely was seriously helpful. If you’re going to dabble, you could start with wall pushups and see how that goes.

      If you can get into a massage therapist in the meantime, that might be worth doing as well; other stuff in the kinetic chain starts to tighten up and guard the injury, and it’s also doing extra work.

      1. fposte*

        Duplicate, sorry:

        If you don’t have one already, Google “Theraband Flexbar.” Try the easiest one if you try one.

        And this is a big YMMV, but the thing that really helped me was pushups. Weight-bearing while straightening my arms completely was seriously helpful. If you’re going to dabble, you could start with wall pushups and see how that goes.

        If you can get some massage in the meantime, that might be worth doing as well; other stuff in the kinetic chain starts to tighten up and guard the injury, and it’s also doing extra work.

    3. Can't Sit Still*

      Don’t lean on anything with your elbow or put any weight on your elbow ever at all. Get a padded elbow protector to wear to bed, so you don’t lie on or lean on your elbow while you’re sleeping. If your painkillers are anti-inflammatory, keep taking them as prescribed whether or not they relieve the pain, since reducing the inflammation will help you heal faster.

      You can try alternating hot and cold packs, a few minutes of hot, a few of cold, then back to hot, then cold, and so on. You are supposed to finish with cold to keep the inflammation down, but I always had to finish with hot or I would be cold for hours afterwards.

      I hope this provides a bit of relief, but the only thing that really worked for me was lots of physical therapy, unfortunately.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      You probably do need to go to the doctor about the shoulder pain. It sounds like it could be impingement syndrome, and if so, physical therapy can help. You don’t want to lose mobility in your shoulder.

      As for the tennis elbow, it can happen when you’re favoring the shoulder — that is exactly what happened to me. At OldExjob, I had to heft a lot of boxes and it made my shoulder worse. In compensating for the shoulder, I got tennis elbow so badly my elbow actually locked up. I had to do PT for that too.

      Your physician may send you to an orthopedic specialist and then to PT. In the meantime, at night you can sleep on your side and prop your arm up on a pillow (like you’re embracing it). I have to do this because I need a PT adjustment and I can’t afford x-rays or PT visits. My impingement syndrome has progressed to a rotator cuff issue–it probably needs surgery by now, but I beat the hell out of it skating also, so that didn’t help.

      Go easy on painkillers; ibuprofen’s not good for your stomach, and paracetamol ( acetaminophen) isn’t good for your liver. The tennis elbow band will help too, until you can get to the doctor. Don’t overuse your arm–rest it as much as you can, but move it around now and then to keep it from getting stiff. The PT guy for my tennis elbow had me massage the area and use ice therapy also.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Yeah, also, brufen is almost certainly what triggered my mum’s heart attack, so I really don’t want to be taking it for long. And I’m also on sertraline which is bad for your stomach. And codeine is addictive! I hate taking painkillers at the best of times and I rattle at the mo :( thanks Elizabeth

    5. Aealias*

      If the shoulder pain is on the same side, it may be connected. I’m prone to locking up my neck and shoulder to the point of elbow and finger joint pain and tingling. I’d suggest ice/heat the shoulder and neck. If that seems to help all your aches, then a massage therapist and a muscle relaxant might be good next steps. A couple of days of babying my neck solved my problems, the last time I had wake-me-up-crying elbow and forearm pain.

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! :) This has been driving me mad and it’s great to have some actual things to try, because up till now my coping mechanism has basically been “take the painkillers and whine when it gets bad”.

  69. Rest Is Silence*

    Long time, first time!
    Does anybody else here get deja vu or deja reve? Every few months I’ll be going about my business and then suddenly feel that I’ve experienced the exact same situation before. The most recent time this happened was the most extensive: I was standing in a hallway and my preceptor was talking to someone else, and I felt that I’d heard the whole conversation before while standing in that spot. I knew what my preceptor was going to say before he said it, and it was information about him I couldn’t have read anywhere.
    Does this happen to you, and what do you make of it?

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      Yeah, it happens to me a lot. I don’t really think too much of it when it happens in a location I frequent a lot or if it happens about something that’s been on my mind a lot (I had deja vu with my thesis advisor the first time we met, but I chalked it up to the fact that I had been thinking a lot about how the conversation would go and the topics I wanted to bring up).

      It does freak me out when it happens in places I’ve never been before. I never really know what to make of that.

    3. Faintlymacabre*

      I have it off and on. One person told me that it means you are where you’re supposed to be, which is a nice way of looking at it.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I used to have that a lot more than I do now.

      The weirdest one was I dreamed I was in a dining room. It was elegant but not a lot of furnishings. Oddly, there was a full suit of armor over in the corner. Yeah, like a person standing there.

      A few weeks later my aunts decided to go looking at open houses. They just did it for fun. When they invited me, I said yes. We went to several houses. One had this dining room a lot like in the dream. And standing in the corner was a full suit of armor just like in the dream.

      I have no clue why this happens.

      I do know that we are suppose to be intuitive, we are supposed to kind of know things for unexplained reasons. It’s necessary for our survival. My suggestion is to just respond by saying, “oh, okay.” If you want keep a journal of these things and see if you notice patterns.

      My deja vu tapered off when my life got easier and I felt less tossed around by the people and events around me. It could be that you are going through a rough spot and things are weird anyway?

    5. LilySparrow*

      Yes, I have gotten this many, many times in my life. For me, it’s much more frequent when I’m sleep-deprived or stressed.

      In fact, I take it now as a symptom and start assessing my habits to see what is out of balance.

    7. silverbullet*

      Yeah, I get pretty strong deja vu sometimes. I remember being around 11 years old and on holiday with my family, visiting a place none of us had ever been to, and feeling like I knew it so well I could tell what would be around the next corner.

      I put it down to brains being weird sometimes, and things getting mixed up in the processing of experiences and memory forming.

    8. Cat*

      I also get that when I’m tired or worn down and I have just assumed that it’s because the different parts of my brain aren’t communicating very well. Not sure if my logic is good here but I thought that it was kind of similar to when people injure the part of the brain that connects the right and the left and then one of their arms just sort of does its own thing. Basically one part of the brain decides on the action and then tells the frontal lobe (I think?), but if that process gets messed up you can have perceptions/actions that happen that the frontal lobe hasn’t approved, which can be freaky for the person experiencing it. The implication is that the brain does a lot of stuff in the background before you consciously are aware of it so if the background steps aren’t running right, it can mess up your conscious perceptions and lead to things like deja vu or limbs just doing whatever. Not sure if this is valid though, so absolutely take it with a grain of salt!

  70. Ow The Hurt, It Hurts*

    How do I get over being passed over by a potential romantic partner for someone more interesting and exciting… almost *two years ago?* With whom the former has already broken up with the exciting person and is now dating somebody else? And when I realize that, owing to various incompatibilities, the relationship I would’ve wanted wouldn’t have worked out?

    Preferably without choosing to use hate to cancel out the love and sadness, since I’m trying to stop holding grudges. Dating isn’t really an option – I live in the countryside with no car and no public transportation.

    I also had lots of other horrible shit hit the fan at the same time at this, and I think the anniversaries of all these things are amplifying one anothers’ devastating-ness in my head.

    1. Lcsa99*

      It’s hard not to think back on what might have been when you’re already feeling down. Knowing logically that it would have been a mistake doesn’t help. Just keep convincing yourself it would have been bad for you. It will eventually sink in. Try concentrating on things that make you happy instead of things that you’re missing out on.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure that getting over it is a realistic expectation. I am a big fan of believing that these types of stories shape us into who we are. Let it shape you in good ways.

      And yes, each grief amplifies other griefs. So loss of partner is going to feel worse because of other losses. Grief has the nasty characteristic of snowballing. One grief layered on top of another and the snowball of grief keeps getting bigger.

      Taking regular walks can be helpful. It’s not just the time in quiet contemplation, it’s also the time spent connecting with the current world around you. And walking increases organ function. If the organs are working better, in turn the mind will feel clearer. It will be a bit easier to sort through all the stuff you have seen.

    3. Grad Student*

      I don’t know, but I’m sending you compassion from afar! Know that it’s totally ok to be feeling the feelings you’re feeling, whatever the current situation or however much time has elapsed.

      I think meditation/mindfulness can help with this kind of thing, too–any practice that works for you to interrupt the painful thoughts and bring your focus into the current moment without judgment.

  71. The Other Dawn*

    This is probably obvious to a gardener, but I have to ask.

    I’m starting seeds (oregano plants) in one of those Jiffy seed starter trays. Once the seeds are planted in the pellets, it says to put the dome top on and put the tray in a warm place out of direct sunlight until the seeds start to sprout. Does that mean any warm place, or a warm place that has some form of light, like by a window or just a room that has windows? And how warm? The only warm place I have would be the open closet next to the kitchen, which is above the furnace. It’s pleasantly warm in there all the time. I can put the tray near a window, but I have a really old house and the windows are pretty drafty.

    1. Not That Jane*

      I’d say you need some light. Seedlings get leggy in dark conditions. The main reason you don’t want to do direct sunlight is it might heat up TOO much, but some indirect light is preferable. I don’t know what your climate is like, but you’d probably want it to be at least 60 degrees 24/7 in whatever spot you choose.

    2. Undine*

      Foe germination, before the seeds sprout, dark is okay. I once sprouted some seeds by putting them on a furnace pipe. But you need to move them to a lighted spot as soon as they sprout. Another time I used an old hot plate on the lowest setting (with layers of towels and such). Apparently seedling sprouting mats are a thing, and not too expensive.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Hmm interesting. Yes, once they sprout I would move them. I just wasn’t sure if my windows would make it too drafty, and if the open closet would be too dark. It doesn’t have a door, so it’s not total darkness, but there’s definitely no sunlight.

        1. Natalie*

          If you’re worried about drafts, a clear plastic container (like a Rubbermaid type thing) over the top will keep drafts out and diffuse light. Although I would still keep it out of direct sunlight so it doesn’t get too warm.

  72. EA*

    So I recently got a raise, and was mentioned in to some family at Passover. This led to an obnoxious conversation about how I am closer to making ‘enough’ money. Because the internet is (relatively) annoymous, when did everyone think they made enough money? I know it’s personal and relative to area, but I am curious.

    I make about 60 now, and felt I made enough when I made I think 47ish. After college my first job paid 35 and that was livable yet tight, 47 felt like enough to save as well as pay bills. I’m in a very HCOL area.

    1. Overeducated*

      Ironically as my income has gone up (more than doubled since 3 years ago) I have felt less like I make enough. Not shockingly, this correlated with my moving to a higher COL city, having a kid, and my spouse losing work, though. So there is no objective number and I think your family is being a bit rude.

    2. Extra Vitamins*

      When I filled up the car with gas and drove off without doing math over it, I felt I had “made it.” I made not much at the time.

    3. Gatomon*

      Hmm. I think when I hit $45k I felt like it was finally enough. I had enough to pay all my bills comfortably, purchase both what I needed and what I wanted (that was within reason) and pay down some debt. I still couldn’t achieve homeownership or save for retirement while dealing with debt, but I wasn’t constantly looking for cheaper apartments either.

      I’m up to $60k now, and I feel like it is more than enough. I am able to save 15% for retirement and still do a lot of damage to my debt, but that’s because I’ve tried to avoid a lot of lifestyle creep. (I’m still in the same apartment and driving the same car I got when I made $30k.) But if I had a family to raise, I would probably still struggle. As a SINK, life is pretty good.

      For comparison’s sake, the US Census Bureau says median household in my town is about $46k and per-capita income is $28k. I think our COL is pretty average nationally. (And now after looking that up, I feel like Mr. Moneybags, but it also sort of explains why I felt pretty good at $45k.)

    4. Red*

      I’m in a low cost of living area and thought I hit the jackpot when I started making 33k lol. And this was just a few years ago!

    5. all aboard the anon train*

      I’m a little above 60K in Boston, which is HCOL, and while I think it’s enough for me to live on, it’s not enough for me ever think of buying a house. But that $60K salary was when I finally could breathe and not have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck (before that I made $30K and before that $19K). The $30K to $60K jump shaved a lot of financial stress from me. $30K was hard to live on.

      On $60K, I can pay my rent and my bills, chip away at my medical debt and student loans while saving some money each month, and still have some left over for entertainment. If I had no debt I’d be fine with my salary (my student debt is fairly manageable and will be paid off in my lifetime, but my medical debt is so much worse). But I do worry about retirement on this salary as well as future medical issues, and I know I’d need at least $100K to be able to think of buying a condo or house. Honestly, I want a higher salary just for the security of mind of paying off my debt and any future medical issues. And being able to maybe one day buy my own place.

    6. Sylvan*

      My area has a very low cost of living. I also live near the border of town, where my rent is about half that of apartments near the center of my city or the other city I’m close to.

      I felt like I was doing great at ~35K. I could pay all of my bills easily, save, go out to eat sometimes, and have the occasional fun shopping trip. I make less than that now – I left that field, now I’m self-employed and fairly new to it – but it’s all right.

      I will say that 35K wouldn’t have felt as nice as it did, although it would certainly have been livable, if I had a kid or another person to support on one income. It was enough for me and my cat, though!

    7. Someone else*

      At some point, when I was very very poor, I did some math on my expenses, and my area, and adjusted for anticipated inflation and basically landed on a number that I thought would constitute “comfortable” based on what I guessed my mortgage payment would be (at the time I didn’t own a house yet), plus other assumed expenses. That was 10 years ago.
      Since then, I’ve done quite well in my career and as of last year, got a raise that put me within $1k of that “comfortable” number I came up with a decade ago. We sometimes get bonuses at my company so I sort of mentally categorize myself as “there”. I hit my number. I was actually probably comfortable more like 4 years ago, but someone I couldn’t get myself to believe it until I hit this number. I own a home. I have no car payments. I have “safe” feeling savings. I contribute to my retirement. I think I’m ok.

    8. BRR*

      My second job was $52k in a high COL area but felt like an ok amount. The “extra” money I had each month that I wanted for savings usually went to random expenses like semi annual car insurance payments, vet bills, or going to my best friends wedding. I then got a new job at $66k and that gave me a little extra cushion (it’s a little hard to tell since my husband got his first full-time job around that time).

    9. Can't Sit Still*

      My income is finally high enough that I am paying less than 50% of my net income towards rent, which is a huge relief. It means that one paycheck can be dedicated to rent with a little over and the other paycheck can go towards bills and savings and retirement. (I get paid biweekly.) Before, I felt like I was perpetually “borrowing” from the next paycheck and it was exhausting, like being on a treadmill.

    10. Dan*

      Honestly, no joke? Last year when at 37 I cracked the six figure mark. Yeah, making $80k wasn’t enough.

      The thing is, the COL in my area is so high that a $100k/yr job is 10% below the median income in my county.

      Now, if I could just find someone who makes what I make, we’d be set.

    11. Thlayli*

      Once you don’t need to borrow to survive you are making enough money. Your family are rude.

    13. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      When I was living in Asia I felt like I made “enough” because I could afford to pay all my bills and have things left over. Even though I was objectively not making that much (something like the equivalent of US$2000-2500 per month), it was enough to live off of. Has yet to happen anywhere else.

    14. Elf*

      My money troubles are really first world troubles. I was feeling very comfortable about money, and my husband got a better job, so we’re actually making a bit more now, but we just bought a house, and it’s a real stretch house because this is a very HCOL area, and getting in the market at all is what you’d be paying for a giant McMansion somewhere else. Even then, we’d still be feeling comfortable about it, but we’re going to halve our income next year because I’m pregnant and want to take a year with the baby (I’m a teacher, so taking a full year is actually easier from a business standpoint, and won’t lose me my job). It’s the house and baby so close that’s causing the stress, because house really depleted savings, so I’m looking at the what we’re saving each month as “will this get us through next year.” We’re really ok, though, just stressful.

      Combined household income is about $130k. I actually feel more money stressed right now than I have at any time in the past, including when combined household income was more like $50k, because supporting family and toddler and house is just a lot more.

    15. Earthwalker*

      I went at it backward: I spent a year tracking what I spent money on, categorizing all the expenditures. Once I saw where the money was going I cut back on some things I decided was spending too much for and not getting enough enjoyment from, so that the extra money could go to more enjoyable or useful ends. And then it wasn’t a matter of “is it enough?” but more of a sense of control over my finances. Now, as much as I hate that monthly task of tallying of expenditures, I do it because there’s so much comfort in knowing where I stand financially.

    16. Sparrow*

      I was making “enough” at $27K my first year out of college. I lived in a cozy 1-BR in a low-medium COL city, no car, liked my job, had “fun money” for cheap/free activities like sports leagues, trivia nights, local festivals, hikes in parks and plenty of friends to do them with, was able to pay my application fees and travel costs for medical school applications and save a bit on top of that. I’m quite nostalgic for that now actually, as I’m in a HCOL city and taking out student loans. I’m enjoying my time in this city, but I don’t think I can stay because I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’ll have “enough” given the COL here.

    17. pur8ple*

      I think I felt like I had ‘enough’ when I got to 40k. I was able to pay bills and everything before, but that number was when I started feeling like a grown-up (in regards to salary only, sadly)

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        I was going to suggest the same thing. Trying out for a comedy or improv show particularly. These kinds of shows teach you a lot about preparing a performance and then being responsive to your audience and adding nuance to what you say based on how they respond to you. It can be a big time commitment for the rehearsal period but you can learn a lot in a relatively short amount of time.

  74. The Other Dawn*

    I’ve decided today is the day to cook basically every grain in my cabinets using the pressure cooker. I seem to stockpile them and then never use them, so I’m going to cook them and then vacuum seal them for later use.

    Tell me what you like to do with the following grains: farro, wheat berries, bulgar wheat, quinoa, French cous cous and amaranth (I still don’t remember why I bought this, because I’d never heard of it before.)

    I’m looking mostly for breakfast ideas, but anything is welcome; I’m in such a food rut!

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      For breakfast I like to make a batch of quinoa and then roast some sweet potatoes, saute some mushrooms and spinach, combine is all and toss it with pesto, and then put a poached egg on top.

      For couscous, I cut up some cucumber, tomatoes, mushrooms, scallions, and smoked salmon and toss it all with tzatziki. I’ve eaten this for breakfast, but it makes a great lunch too.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I LOVE amaranth.
      I used to make muffins with fruit in them. You can freeze what you won’t use right now and then pull out the quantity you need as you need them.
      Sometimes I would put chocolate bits in the muffins, just because.

    4. HannahS*

      I do farro with milk and cinnamon with breakfast, sometimes. I just treat it like cold cereal.

  75. Seeking Opinions*

    Is anyone here on a blood thinner (Xarelto, Warfarin, etc.)? I have been for over half a year now and expected to be for life. What does your doctor/hematologist tell you specifically you cannot do as far as activities?

    I ask because my doctor told me I cannot do a couple of beloved past times, but she openly admitted that she herself hates one of those activities. I’m wondering if there is a real threat to my health if I went back to doing it or if she projecting her disliking of it onto me.

    I’m curious what others have been told. Have you had to curtail any of your activities?

    1. Ok*

      Husband is on warfarin and has been for about 5 years. He hasn’t really changed anything but he’s retired. Anything that has a certain level of risk of physical injury isn’t recommended (contact sports). I would advise you get a medical alert bracelet because treatments have to be adjusted for the bleeding risk.

    2. Book Lover*

      Mountain biking and downhill skiing and typically most contact sports (ice hockey for example).
      Sorry :(

      1. Seeking Opinions*

        That I know and I have to stop a (non-contact) sport because the injury rate is still quite high. I saw a potential future Olympian’s career come to a crashing halt at the gym because of the sport (thank God that is all that happened as he is fine otherwise).

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I wouldn’t. If you start bleeding while on the ride, you can’t get off quickly and it could get ugly. I know this sucks, but you are going to have to curtail any activities that could cause bumps, falls, or any kind of whiplash injuries. I once very lightly bumped my nose while on it and ruined a sweater.

        Here is more info http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/Arrhythmia/PreventionTreatmentofArrhythmia/A-Patients-Guide-to-Taking-Warfarin_UCM_444996_Article.jsp

    4. Some sort of Management Consultant*

      Ah, I only had to be on one for 6 months but they said that I could do pretty much every activity but perhaps not in the same intensity.

      Like skiing in prepared slopes is fine but offpist skiing in avalanche areas isn’t.
      Biking is fine but not mountainbiking on difficult trails.

      And so on.

    5. Brunch with Sylvia*

      I am a prescriber of a lot of blood thinners and I do not outright restrict any activities! I discuss with patients what activities they do and then help them to weigh the risks and benefits. Patient can have serious, spontaneous bleeds not related to any activity. That would be a higher risk patient that i would advise do less jerking, jostling, contact activities. But if you are less than 75yo and don’t have a heart condition or back problems…ride the roller coaster!
      Warfarin has a readily available antidote, most of the newer agents do not.

  76. Tax Question*

    Small, hopefully not complicated question about tax filing. If someone quit working to care for an ailing parent, are they unemployed, a homemaker, a caregiver? I don’t know how exacting the terms for occupation have to be.

    1. Ok*

      I don’t think it really matter unless you are being paid work for working. I have always listed myself as a homemaker even when I had some short term jobs. My husband now lists himself as retired.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m not sure they do much with those, but unemployed tends to mean someone who is actively looking for a job.

    3. Belle di Vedremo*

      There are new programs (in at least some States in the US) where you can be paid to do the caregiving. It won’t be much but it’ll help – and it’ll change how you file your taxes going forward.

      You can look up CDPAP – Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program and CDPAS Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Services.

      Those folks might have suggestions about how to file for 2017, too, but that’s a guess on my part.

  77. Sylvan*

    Sorry if this is weird, but I haven’t seen Ramona Flowers around in a while, and she’s usually one of the first people to comment on new posts. She made a comment on a weekend open thread some weeks/months ago about having received some bad news. Does anyone know if she’s doing okay lately? Just busy?

    2. Someone else*

      She posted last weekend that she’d stumbled upon what I guess was basically a hate-blog about this site? That mocks both it and frequent commenters. Pretty much she read a bunch of jerks writing nasty anonymous things about her and it sort of soured her on participating. There was a decently long thread of people telling her how much they appreciated her, or how her comments had helped them, or were thoughtful or funny or interesting, etc. It was kind of heartwarming (for me at least) but I got the impression it didn’t really help. I don’t know if she still lurks and just isn’t commenting or if she’s taking a full on break. But I think that’s the gist of what happened.

      2. TL -*

        It’s a snark blog. I found it, out of curiosity. It’s mostly just people who don’t jive with the comments sections/advice style (which seems fair; it’s not for everyone.)

        I wouldn’t call it a hate blog; it was more along the lines of X is sooo ridiculous and Y is obviously fake.

        Just adding context because internet hate sites can get really nasty and full of death wishes and really crude language and this is just a bunch of snark and disagreement with the style/advice.

        1. NoT*

          I’ve read it, it’s not a hate site at all. Like you said it’s just people who want an outlet at some of the more unbelievable things submitted here (which have been raised before but since commenters here aren’t allowed to speculate about such things, it makes sense to do it elsewhere).

          I actually think it provides a good reality check for readers here and avoid things getting too hive-minded. A lot of people there admit to being former commenters here (and in fact there was an influx of members there when they were called out here a few weeks ago) but feel like they can’t question anything anymore.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Just to clarify because this gets repeated a lot, the site rules don’t actually ask people not to speculate on whether a letter is fake — I did used to ask that because it feels derailing and unkind to the letter writer, but then realized how tyrannical it sounds to say “you cannot question these letters!” which wasn’t my intent. It was a mistake to do that. So for a while now, the site rules have just said: “I have no way of knowing if the letters people submit are real or not. I assume all advice columnists get trolled now and then, but I don’t really care as long as the answer might be useful to someone.”

            That said, people cry “fake!” about some relatively mundane stuff, which is weird.

            1. NoT*

              It’s your website so if you don’t want that kind of speculation here, then it shouldn’t be done here, so really it’s better that people go somewhere else to discuss it and save you having to moderate etc.

          2. fposte*

            I think that sites like that hope for that but tend to end up replicating what they deplore; it happened there, heaven knows it happened at GOMI, and it’s happened at every shadow/critique site I know ranging from the sequence of anti-TWOP sites and anti-anti-TWOP sites to the Jennifer McKinney sites. There are definitely people in all of them who just want to hang out and talk about what they see or read, but the structure of the beast tends to pull in people who get overfocused on personal minutiae and then that gets normalized in the group. I don’t think groups like that check reality for anybody, enjoyable though they may be.

            1. NoT*

              Yup, I’m sure that when/if that community grows in numbers it’ll start getting into the same kind of pitfalls that have happened here. For now though it’s still fairly well balanced, despite being a snark blog if someone is unreasonably harsh they still get called out.

              1. fposte*

                It may depend on which posts you read, or we may just have different limits :-). I bowed out after they posted somebody’s college paper and the mods didn’t care. I also think that when it comes to Alice, they sound like Alice.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, I am sorry to hear this, also.

          It really does not take much talent/effort to find negative things to say and reasons to disagree with people. Personally, I never have a problem finding some negative thought on the fly.
          The true talent is finding what we have in common, finding positives and strengths in all the chaos around us. This takes additional effort.

          If a person really wants to figure out the value of something then looking at what that something produces can be key. If the final product is positive, productive, sustainable, ethical, etc then it is probably a thing of value.

          Something that does not grow or sustain our quality of life is probably something without much value.

          I won’t go and look at this site you guys are talking about here. I can get my USRDA of negativity just going about my ordinary day, I don’t need more. I like to read here because I feel better about life in general, I feel I have learned valuable things that I can use right now, today. This site helps to keep my faith in humanity. My life is richer because of Alison and you folks. I hope RF finds her way back here.

      5. Temperance*

        That’s a bummer. I know she has been having a tough time lately, and that probably hurt her. I hope she’s otherwise doing well.

    3. Almost Violet Miller*

      I didn’t have the chance to comment on that thread last (?) week. So if you’re reading, Ramona, you and your kind and insightful comments are missed and I hope you’re doing well!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: I cleaned the house the other night so I can do whatever I want this weekend, instead of waiting until Sunday, and why don’t I do this all the time!?

      WORST: Spring weather is taking a turn for the cold and unsettled again. Bleah!

    2. Extra Vitamins*

      Best: got a new cat! And she gets along with my old cat!

      Worst: pollen season is starting.

    3. nep*

      Best: Into third week back-pain-free. Heavenly.
      No real worsts, but…work-related…still acutely underemployed and the search continues.

    4. KR*

      Best: Brought home foster dog this week. Easter informal get together with friends today. Some bumps and bruises I had from a fall last week are healed up nicely. It’s in the 80s and gorgeous.

      Worst: Foster dog is adjusting to new house and cat is adjusting (scared of) to foster dog who is much larger than my other dog and while isn’t cat aggressive, wants to give my cat a good sniff and doesn’t realize how scary she is to cat. Also she is super clingy right now because it’s a new house so I’m a little overwhelmed. Hoping it works out because I would absolutely hate to bring her back to the rescue and ideally want to adopt her. Also it was kind of an Ordeal to get her from the rescue.

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      Minor worst: The other people who live in my building are very inconsiderate when it comes to laundry. We have 1 washer and 2 dryers in the basement. I had to move someone’s clothes out of one of the dryers yesterday after them being there for multiple hours. I’m pretty sure the clothes are still on the chair where I left them. Also, I might be the only person who ever empties the lint traps, as every time I go to do my laundry there is a layer of lint at least 1/4″ thick.
      Major worst: Stealth gluten got me. I have celiac. I was eating in the dining hall where I work and the food was definitely not labeled properly, so what I thought was gluten-free turned out not to be. I was very ill the past few days.

      Minor best: Liga MX has been fantastic this weekend, with some very exciting games. The Cubs are 2-1. Real Madrid are playing well.
      Major best: 3 phone interviews this past week, two of which were for tenure-track jobs. And both of those went pretty well. Fingers-crossed for moving forward in the process…

      1. Rhubarb*

        My building is like that too. We live in a land of cell phone reminders! I don’t understand how people are still so careless about their laundry.

    6. LizB*

      Best: Had a really lovely Seder on Friday! Everyone got along, food was great, a friend brought her adorable three-month-old who was super chill the whole time and happy to get passed around the group to anyone who wanted to cuddle her.

      Worst: Woke up this morning to discover my cat playing with a real live mouse. Emphasis on LIVE – the poor thing wasn’t even bleeding, my little huntress was just happily batting it around the living room. I scooped it into an empty takeout container and ran outside (in flip flops, a coat over my nightgown, and crazy just-woke-up hair) to set it free, but now I’m worried it or its family will return, and I really don’t want to deal with traps. Also the cat was chagrined that I took away her new best toy.

      1. LizB*

        Oh wait, other best: my car is finally fixed! HALLELUJAH. I’m picking it up tomorrow morning.

  79. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    If someone remembers, last week I mentioned that one of the most hated teachers said hello to me. Well, a few days later I found out how much hated he is.
    Someone asked for teachers recommendations at the unofficial forum. My answer was among the lines of “if you’re retaking this course or you understand the basics of the syllabus and you like someone who goes straight to the point and grades fairly, his class may be the one for you”. The backslash was immediate. The least I was told was that “anyone that dares to paint that sad excuse of a human being in a good light belongs to hell”. Apparently some years ago he was reported by several students for spreading sexist and misogynistic opinions in the classes he was in charge of. I have no idea if the reports are legit, but my experience with him was completely different, and I’m not a guy! Yes, sometimes he can be too harsh for the standard fresh-out-of-school student, but in my opinion he was always respectful and ready to answer questions as long as you showed interest in his course. I just can’t believe the amount of hate mail I received, and the worse of all is that now I feel super guilty because I recommended him to people IRL (Hello anxiety, my old friend)!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      God, I’m sick of people who can’t just say “Hey, you might not be aware but in the past, Prof has said X and Z and done [problematic thing]. People aren’t really fond of him.”

      But then the internet is full of folks who really need Jesus. :P

      1. TL -*

        oh gods, one of my profs had a very public affair years ago (well, okay, he had a quiet affair and the woman ended up pregnant) and the story is just told and re-told (lots of different versions, of course)

        I’m just like…look, it wasn’t a student and all I want is to have a good student/professor relationship with him. I don’t want to know the gossip unless you think he is a sexual predator (and I’ve asked questions along those lines, though nothing so direct, and heard nothing beyond the affair story, so I don’t think that’s the case.)

      3. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

        So much yes. It wouldn’t be a surprise if many of the people who dislike him so much had him at the beginning of their college life, had a different idea of what a college professor should be, and got offended when they fail an exam. (And honestly, if you keep chatting in class, missing lessons and don’t study for the midterms what do you expect? A pat in the back?)

    2. Rhubarb*

      Absurd. They’re basically saying “you should double-check other people’s opinions before forming your own opinion.”

    1. Lcsa99*

      We saw the previews for that the other day when watching izombie and need to find it on demand! Is it as good as it looked??

        1. Lcsa99*

          We just watched. That was one of the best things we’ve seen in a while! I can’t imagine how much fun they had making it.

  81. Kali*

    I just read The Merry Spinster last week!

    I feel like I was missing something in The Wedding Party – the one about a couple coming up to their wedding day, that referencing that Goose Girl. I got a creeping sense of dread, but I feel like I missed some of the implications of the conversation – or was an undirected sense of creeping dread the point?

  82. choir friendships*

    I’m a guy and have been part of a choir for a bit now (so much fun!). One of my goals in joining was to meet more people. But I need help! It seems mostly the different voices stay together before and during the short break we have. I’d like to branch out, but it seems awkward as other people seem to be in small groups and I don’t know how to approach them. Or it seems I have to walk to the other side of the room which makes me feel like I’m going to ask someone for a formal dance or something, when I just want to get to know people. I’m probably overthinking this whole thing but any suggestions?

    1. TL -*

      Walk over! And then say, “Hey, I’m Choir Friendships! I’m new here and wanted to introduce myself.”

      Or ask something simple, like, “I’m new here and I’m on the lookout for a new coffee shop – the sopranos always seem to have coffee. Where do y’all recommend?”

    2. Melody Pond*

      Huh. When I was in choir in high school, we of course started learning new songs in our respective sections, but once we learned the songs well enough, we always moved into mixed formation, because that’s how we’d perform. I was a soprano, but I’d commonly be surrounded by people singing different parts, so it was easy to talk to others.

      1. fposte*

        That also tends to lead to a better sound, because people aren’t leaning on the others in their section so much but have to hold their own and understand how the music works in different parts. But it’s harder to direct, especially in bigger groups, and of course requires that the singers *can* hold their own. I’m guessing why both of those are why it’s not as popular.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Unfortunately, that tends not to happen in volunteer choruses. I prefer it, but it can be logistically tough and then you also have some people who are simply (in my opinion, anyway) lazy and unwilling to risk getting things wrong.

        In my last chorus, where I was a member for 8 years, all of the sections mixed a lot. In my current chorus, I only know the names of a handful of sopranos and basses, which is SO WEIRD. It can be really hard to cross those boundaries. Often it just takes time– and joining committees! Any opportunity to gather with a smaller group? Take it.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It doesn’t snow by you? But it is snowing now? That is weird. I bet it will melt fast, though.

  84. Lcsa99*

    So did anyone find any fun April’s fools pranks online? I just played Where’s Waldo on Google maps (google always comes up with fun stuff)

    4. fort hiss*

      A lot of Japanese app games had incredible ones this year! The Love Live girls all turned into their child versions, Bandori had a “terrible dream” type of story where the girl who usually wears a bear costume wakes up to everyone wearing bear heads except her, Fate/Grand Order turned into Pokemon Go for the day so you could find drawings of the characters all over the real world, The Dragonball game turned ALL GIRLS! for the day (if only)… It was a fun time.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Redbox sent an email that said “New feature–theater presentations at the box! Come early and grab your seats! Jumanji will be just as good!” Accompanied by a picture of a family sitting around a Redbox kiosk in lawn chairs watching The Rock. When you clicked the link it took you to a website where you could enter your zip code for a box near you, and then it said APRIL FOOL

      LOL that was a good one.

    6. Yolo*

      Light-up sneakers with built-in digital assistant/Shoe Siri from Brooks. I think the voice thing was an add-on because someone realized that customers would be truly disappointed not to have access to light-up sneakers for adults.

  85. Sharing*

    Is it important to you to be able to share some of what is happening in your life with others? I am single and don’t have a lot of close friends and sometimes struggle with this. For example, there are sometimes small things going on, like maybe I cooked something special or new; it’s not important in the great scheme of things, but they’re part of my life. They feel too small to call someone about them; I might mention them if I’m meeting a friend for dinner. I think when you live with someone, these exchange happens invisibly but it’s frustrating sometimes not to be able to share that with anyone. I find that eventually I start feeling somewhat invisible. Have you felt that? How have you coped?

    1. KR*

      No advice, just commiseration. I deal with that a lot when my husband is away for work because he is usually completely unreachable. Sometimes I do weekly phone calls or hang-outs with my friends where I tell them all the little things that seem to small for a phone call. And honestly, I have a snapchat and I snap all the interesting stuff I want to share. My friends don’t always respond but to see that they viewed it is nice. Are your friends open to texting? You could text them this stuff too so they can respond to it when they want to and respond something low-key if they want or start a broader conversation.

    2. Nicole76*

      I find that social media and my own private journal are good outlets for that sort of stuff. Plus I can go back and reminisce over stuff I might have otherwise forgotten about. It doesn’t have to be anything terribly exciting either – I find joy in the little things.

    3. Clever Name*

      This is pretty much exactly why I posted the musing below. I used to share stuff like this with my former husband, but now my amazing insights have to be unshared for the most part. ;)

    4. silverbullet*

      This is basically what my friends and I use Twitter for – that way, we aren’t calling a specific person to talk about what we’re doing, but there’s a group of us sharing our daily stuff and there’s almost always someone around who will respond and it helps me feel more connected. Some of these friends are online-only friends I’ve made through fandom, while others are people I know IRL but don’t see very often because no one has invented a transporter yet, dammit.

      I always like seeing those sort of posts from people on social media, it’s a little insight into their daily lives and it feels good to know these little things about each other.

      1. Grad Student*

        Yeah, I used to use Twitter for this too. (Then I decided I needed a break from Twitter to reclaim that time for other things; if I were still on it I’d still be using it that way.) I’m also lucky enough to be in a few intermittent group chats with friends (not necessarily all pairwise friendships in the chat are close) where I can sometimes share random little things like this, and the norm in these chats is that not everything gets responded to but that’s ok! I still appreciate those little updates from my friends even if I don’t reply/each individual one is no big deal.

    5. TL -*

      I text/facebook message for this stuff. I have friends who are cool with this (and who send me the same stuff) and it’s basically all about the “I DID THIS AND IT WORKED” or “this was pretty much the worst experiment ever.”

  86. Clever Name*

    So I was at a restaurant with a bunch of people I don’t know after a meetup. I sat across a couple of women who were having an extensive conversation basically about stuff they don’t eat. “I don’t eat dairy because xyz” “I’m not a vegetarian exactly, but I don’t eat meat because I don’t like it.” “I avoid wheat…” “I eat zero processed foods except those I deem okay for me to eat” I was silent because I’m a not-picky omnivore and I’ll eat pretty much anything. Plus, I really dislike intense conversations about personal food choices. So when our food came, I was amused that both of these women got French fries. My head was filled with snarky thoughts about how hypocritical these women are opening about their “clean” diets while noshing on what pretty much everyone agrees is “junk food”. And then I realized that the conversation the women were having was basically a performance to absolve themselves of the guilt of eating the food they wanted to eat. And that’s really messed up. I’m not saying they are messed up; I’m saying our society’s attitude towards the food women eat is messed up. I mean, men feel free to tuck into a giant plate of burger and fries and they don’t feel compelled to say “I really shouldn’t”.

    1. nep*

      Yeah — that represents a not-very-healthy relationship with food. If you’ve got to sit there and talk aloud about what a clean eater you are in order to ‘allow’ yourself to eat a plate of fries…not good.
      On a related note, I really can’t stand when I see on fitness sites anything about ‘earning’ the food you’re going to eat later. Sheeeeeesh.
      I love this line I once read: ‘I work out to celebrate what my body can do, not to punish it for what I ate.’

    2. fposte*

      I think can be that but I also think it’s modeling–you don’t have to feel internal shame to see that as a bonding practice in your social group and to emulate it. (I’ve definitely heard men do it too, so it may depend on your social circle.) I also think we’re going through a period where we’re particularly focused on what we don’t eat as self-defining (kind of funny to think about that this week of all weeks–it is certainly something that religions do as well)–as long as we don’t eat dairy/GMOs/meat/whatever we’re in the clear. So in that case it could be more that introductory butt-sniffing rather than guilt expiation.

      With you in finding it less than enthralling, though.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think it reflects our society as a whole.

      I remember a marketing class where the comment was made marketers can’t figure out what people want. The specific question was “Why order a Diet Coke with an ice cream sundae?”

      My thought was, “People do peopley things.”

      I have been that person who ordered a Diet Coke with an ice cream sundae. I did it because it was just too much fn sugar to have a Regular Coke, that would make me feel crappy and I did not want to drink just water.

      Now, for myself, I try to eat whole foods most of the time. I used to be diligent about it, but now, not so much. I do know this, some attempt will give you some level of benefit. It’s not an all or nothing thing. And this applies to many things in life, such as handling money or maintaining a house. Some effort will give us some benefit. More effort will give us more benefit. No one out there, eats perfectly, handles money perfectly or maintains a house perfectly all the time. No one. But the parts we get right we do get benefit from that effort.

  87. HannahS*

    Guys, yesterday we had the best Seder we’ve ever had. The lead-up was stressful and tiring and full of…not drama, really, not in a “ooh, DRAMA” way, but just in the sense that one person at our table is in very poor mental health right now, so we were figuring out how to arrange things to be as comfortable as possible for him. And two guests were late, and it’s their first time coming, so our leader gave a short speech and sang a hymn to stall for time. And one couple almost didn’t come because transit was down and were embarrassed to admit that they couldn’t afford a cab ride, so my mom insisted that she cover their cab and had to dart out discreetly while everyone was arriving to give them the money and reassure them of how welcome they in our home without making them feel self-conscious. But once we were all there? It was so great. So much signing around the table, so much participation, great retelling of a fantastic story.

    We had so many people there who aren’t our family, but who are fellow Jews without much a of a community, whether because they converted, or live far from their homes of origin. It feels like such a privilege to open our home to people, and as they come back year after year, I feel like they’re becoming family. So warm and fuzzy. I hope those of you at seders had equally lovely times!

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      That sounds really wonderful. Our seders this year were really nice, especially the one yesterday. Our friend’s mom invited us to their family seder and it was low-key but so pleasant, and it turned out that my friend’s uncle is a vegetarian so there was plenty for my partner to eat.

      At our first seder, only one couple was made up of two people who were Jewish from birth, so that was an interesting twist. We had a lot of learning at that one, but I always enjoy that because it helps remind us that the point of Passover is to tell the story.

  88. Almost Violet Miller*

    Mindfulness update

    I haven’t been doing formal meditations for the past two-three weeks unfortunately. I had a very busy schedule on holiday and then at work. Now I’m recovering from jetlag and general spring fatigue and trying to get back into the habit of meditating regularly. Yesterday I did one called 5 steps towards mindfulness and really enjoyed spending time with myself and exploring how I am doing physically,
    mentally and emotionally after weeks of not being alone.

    What I managed to do even on holiday was little mindfulness exercises. Focusing on what I’m doing and my surroundings and not letting my mind wander isn’t easy but worth it. Especially on holiday, I recharge much faster when I am present.

    The RO Cat, how’s your course going?

    1. The RO-Cat*

      I’m hooked on Insight Timer and I never missed a day (which surprises me no end, seen as I’m usually very good at starting without ending… well… almost anything).

      I’m happy to report that the very first Mindfulness Intro class went well. They liked it, now they try to get another group and are talking about a 2-day wellness retreat (wellness in all senses) where I would have a Mindfulness module. And I’m waiting for the final say of a yoga hall for an 1 hour/week intro class on a more permanent basis. These weeks were good for mindfulness in my neck of woods, I dare say, thanks for asking!

  89. Shrunken Hippo*

    I hope everyone stays smart on this April Fools! Smart enough to not fall for pranks, and smart enough to catch other people!

  90. KR*

    I mentioned this on the Best/Worst thread from Ruffingit but I am feeling kind of down this weekend, and my husband doesn’t have a lot of emotional bandwidth currently, so I’m shouting into the open thread void! Warning, emotion dump about pets.

    Brought home a foster dog on Friday. She’s a upper middle aged German Shepard mix, much bigger than my other dog who is a very Medium sized senior spaniel mix. Dogs get along fine and there’s been no signs of jealousy but I am so overwhelmed getting her adjusted on my own. The cat is terrified of her. I don’t think she means the cat any harm but dog did bark at the cat and do her a heckin frighten. I think the dog just wants to say hi to the cat. Cat is having none of it.

    Also, her leash manners are not good and she is incredibly clingy. Like, if I get up and walk across the room she has to follow me whereas I’m used to my dog who will follow me room to room but will also go hang out by himself when he wants to, and is generally happy to just be on the same floor of the house as I am. He’s very relaxed and independent and she is not quite that so it’s an adjustment period. I think she’ll become less clingy but I really can’t wait until she does.

    Also, she barely pees. I don’t know if it’s a female dog thing or what but I can tell my senior guy to go outside and “Go Potty” and he pees/poops in the yard on his own whereas I have to coax her to pee a little bit once, maybe twice a day and I have to stand there and watch her the whole time to make sure she does it. So far she’s been pooping once a day at irregular times and only on walks. Which is fine since we walk to the dog park every day but now I’m panicking at the thought of going to work tomorrow and coming home to a big mess.

    Finally, I got her for my husband who is away for work currently and will be until the middle of May. He was fully on board with getting her and once he gets back I know he will love her and exercise her and pay attention to her and shift the focus from me to him, but it can’t come soon enough. I’ve been talking on the phone with him more because I need his emotional support but he is unusually busy with work so he doesn’t have a lot of time right now.

    My senior guy is a very easy dog – great off leash, good with dog/cats/strangers/kids, very chill, rarely over anxious aggressive or overstimulated, loves snoozing away all day but down for adventures and car rides, goes potty when I tell him to, knows his manners, understands what I want him to do when I tell him in plain english, and knows basic tricks. He is bonded to me and he was my first dog. I just love him so so much.

    I know that German Shepards need clear direction and are super smart, and she will probably pick up commands and manners quickly. I also know that she has had a lot of instability in her life and all things considering she’s very well behaved. I will feel so bad if I have to give her back to the rescue (she’s a foster) and I don’t want to have to, but if things don’t improve in 2 weeks time with my cat and her clingyness I am not sure if I can keep doing this.

    Thanks for listening.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Aww. I am sorry.

      I relate to your story through my little buddy here. For the first two years I had him his On Switch was always ON. He never slept. I would get him to stop doing one thing and while I was cleaning up that mess, he would turn and do something else. After 13 months of this I wanted to run away from home. Wait. I own this place.

      A friend came over. For whatever reason, my friend SO gets this dog. He talked to the dog and played with him. He laughed at all the dog’s antics. And for that little period of time, I could just settle back in my chair. I did not have to be thinking, “What is up NOW?”

      If you have a friend who is a real good sport about dogs ask the friend to come over for a half hour to help you. It is amazing how just that short a time can be such a relief.

      Not fully voiding. I am wondering if there is a little dehydration going on there. You might try adding just a little bit of water to the dog’s food to see if that helps with the peeing issues.

      Clingyness. There has to be some way that you can show her how to be with you, how to hang out. This wild child I have now, has a blanket on the floor of the rooms I use the most in this house. That is his spot. When we are in a room together he gets told to go to his spot. This actually works out well for him. YMMV, of course.

      I do hope you can find someone who will come over for a short bit. If a friend of mine asked me to help in a situation like this, I would go flying over to her house in a heart beat.

      1. KR*

        I think she might be dehydrated a little. She’s been drinking more and more water the longer she’s here. Now the trick is to be able to have her go outside and relieve herself without me standing there making her do it. When I tell her to go outside she goes inside. I will try the blanket trick if this doesn’t get better by Tuesday.

        If this continues, I may have to enlist the help of a friend. That’s a great idea. Thank you.

    2. Trixie*

      Give the situation the full two weeks and take another reading, for both you and the pack. Since she came into these new settings on Friday, she’s probably not sure what to expect. Not used to leashes (another reason shelters need volunteers!) but again, will improve with time. Sounds like the makings of a great crew!

      1. KR*

        Thank you for your good wishes. I am feeling super overwhelmed but you’re right I need to give her the full two weeks.

    3. dog lover*

      Haven’t fostered dogs but all but one of my dogs have been rescues. Each dog entered the household as the only new addition. First week was rescue dog just trying to figure out dynamics and expectations, as well as needing some reasssurance. Some were Weimeraners who also need direction and schedule. In my experience, every time, new rescue wanted to be able to see me at all times at first (as if I might randomly disappear- they all had been abandoned)- so giving them a sight line to you in a stationary spot will help (i.e. dog bed near the kitchen without being underfoot. If you switch to another room for a significant amout of time, bring the same dog bed. and invite foster dog to it. I never knew if I was dealing with food theives at first so I was always super cautious to keep human food out of reach.

      what’s your background with taking in foster/rescue dogs? If you ask specific questions on your concerns, I can tell you what I did for something similar.

      1. KR*

        I’ve only had one other dog, my old man. I got him 2 years ago. He lived in a good home for most of his life (though they weren’t good enough to take him with them when they moved and so that’s how I got him). He was in the shelter a week before he met me. I guess what is most overwhelming to me right now is trying to balance her energy levels with my old man (walking them is … entertaining to watch since she is GO GO GO and he walks at like.00009 mph) and get her to fend for herself a little (eat without me having to be standing right next to her, explore the house, go out in the yard and pee without me being out there, not have to be right beside me every second, me be able to walk across the room without her following me). I know it’s an adjustment and I’m willing to give her the time she needs. But wow am I overwhelmed.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      German Shepherds tend to be high anxiety. Most of the herding breeds are. And the clingyness and reluctance to pee on her own are a reflection of that. The intense interest in the cat is also quite normal for her breed, they want to figure things out, and a cat’s natural movements tend to trigger the herding instinct. “I must figure out how to keep this creature in its proper place! Maintain order!” is what is going on in the shepherd brain. Meanwhile, cat-brain does not respond well to herding signals, and is going “What’s wrong with you???”, particularly since cat-brain is hardwired to run by a strictly maintained routine that’s just been thrown out the window. So basically right now, you are dealing with dual furballs of anxiety.

      The best thing to do is come up with a daily routine and follow it. Be particularly strict about it in the first 3 weeks or so, potty and meal times at a scheduled hour, playtime and walks at a set time each day, the more predictable you can be, the less anxious the critters will be. Predictability equals security in both brain systems. Make sure the cat has a safe zone the shepherd can’t reach (height = safety in the cat- brain, so bonus points if the safe zone includes a tall dresser or high shelf). Reward the dog for being calm in the cat’s presence, may want to keep a Ziploc bag of training treats in your pocket for rewarding desirable behavior as it naturally occurs. Positive reinforcement works best, avoid punishment and yelling. In the early days, positive reinforcement goes slow, because you have to wait for the behavior to occur organically. The more you and the shepherd get to know each other, the faster she’ll figure out what you want. Best wishes to you all.

      1. KR*

        Thank you so much. I know German Shepherds are so so smart, so once she starts learning commands and manners she’ll be great but wow the transition isn’t fun. Thank you for telling me about the anxiety. I didn’t know that going in, though they did tell me she was timid they didn’t mention how anxious she is. And you’re right about the interest in the cat – she actually whines when she sees the cat because she’s figured out already that I don’t want her to go near her or get up when the cat is in the room. The cat has places up high to sit and a room with her litterbox that only she can get into (the door is stuck so only she can fit through the opening). Your advice is much appreciated and I will apply it as much as possible. I want to make sure I give this a good try because the new dog deserves it.

  91. IntoTheSarchasm*

    Five years ago I inherited my grandparents house – think practical farmhouse circa 1870. Ten foot ceilings downstairs, six foot ceilings with a knee wall upstairs, extra steep narrow stairway up, concrete curved deathtrap stairway to basement, ancient wiring, no closets, plaster, lead paint, asbestos flooring, narrow doorways and only one tiny downstairs bedroom, one bathroom, minimal heating/cooling to upstairs, last remodeled in probably 1972. We have been living here trying to figure out the best way to address the issues. So next month, the remodel begins: two story addition to resolve most of the issues with bedrooms and stairways as well as heating and cooling. New entry to house, new kitchen, new full and half bath, rewire. I am filled trepidation and excitement.

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        I have never blogged before, I will have to think about that! Thanks for the idea. I do plan a lot of before, during and after pics so maybe that is an option.

  92. Jessen*

    …I did not expect the cat to jump ACROSS the kitchen. Apparently I need to work on my storage areas.

  93. Brooke*

    I have a lot of credit card debit, and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for refinancing or how to pay it off sooner?

    I’m very good with saving money and sticking to a budget, and have been my whole life. There was an emergency outside of my control, and I feel grateful I had my credit card in order to get through it. I’m paying a large portion of my salary every month, but the interest is so high, I feel like I’m hardly making a dent.

    1. Brooke*

      Or… any advice for negotiating the amount down with the credit card company without totally defaulting?

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      When I had a medical emergency that needed to go on my credit card, I ended up opening another credit card that had 0% interest for 24 months and transferred my balance over. It made it much easier to budget to pay it off without worrying about interest rates. I had to pay a small 3% transfer fee, but it was worth it in the long run.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I opened a couple of credit cards that offered 0% balance transfer offers. This doesn’t work for everyone, I know, but I paid down several thousands of dollars in about 16 months. I started with the Chase Slate card, which offered 0% interest on balance transfers for 16 months (and no fee on the balance transfer), then I put some additional debt on a USAA card (available to members only, unfortunately) that gave me 0% interest for 20 months. I’m still paying down the latter. But it helps me enormously to be able to pay things down without accruing interest. I pay as much as I can every month, and my year-end bonus went to finish paying off the Chase card.

    5. Aealias*

      Check with your bank! The bank that holds our mortgage was able to give me a SIGNIFICANT line of credit at ~4% interest. That let me transfer the balance off my credit cards and actually pay down the principal instead of burning all my money on interest every month. With a good credit rating (which I DIDN’T have) you should be able to set that up easily.
      If you’d be able to pay off the full balance in 2 years, you should absolutely look into a new credit card. Make sure the 0% applies to balance transfers/cash advances. I wanted to avoid adding any more credit cards, as I found them bad for my budgeting, but from the sounds of things that wouldn’t be an issue for you.

  94. Laura H*

    Wishing you here at AAM a wonderful (possibly belated) Passover and Easter. May your homes, hearts, and stomachs be full of joy and good food.

      1. Laura H*

        It very much was. But now I think I’ll either hit bed early or nap. (Bed early is prolly more likely at this point tho)

  95. Justin*

    One fun thing, one ugh thing.

    1. It’s my 2nd anniversary. We got married kinda fast, the first year was up and down but we found a great rhythm (mostly due to my own therapy). Can’t wait for the next 98 (I bet she’ll get tired of me at age 130, lol)

    2. Sooooo friend breakup.

    I have a friend. Long story short, best friends in college, I went away for two years, then we lived together for 3 years. Then he moved to another major city, one either of us could reach for a weekend without flying (NY/DC).

    Then, a year later, his life fell apart. Some of it was just bad lucky, some was decisions that didn’t pay off.

    So now it’s 4 years(ish) later. My life has gradually improved. Better career, living situation, married (obv, from point #1). He’s in a lot of pain. He’s moved back home (out of the country). But the fact is, we had drifted apart long before, and so when I got married, we weren’t really as close as we used to be, and other people were chosen to give “official” toasts. (I wouldn’t have stopped anyone who wanted to speak, but no one said so.)

    It’s two years later, and he’s still furious about this. I get it, he’s in a really bad place, but there isn’t much to be done. I’ve apologized (even though I don’t think I actually betrayed him), have spent these two years trying to help him sort out his job/etc situation but he’s… not good at listening to gentle suggestions. (Stuff we talk about here, eg how to improve cover letters and such). He doesn’t really have a lot of people in his corner, and he’s deeply dependent on painkillers but in denial about it.

    I mostly just feel bad for him, but I also know our friendship kind of fell apart before all these things happened (our lives just went differently), and I wish I could help him but I know I can’t (and even if he had been chosen to speak, his life wouldn’t have changed, despite him fixating on it for two years).

    I don’t think there’s a solution. I’m sad about what’s happened to him, I know I can’t solve it, and I wish him the best even though I know things haven’t been the same for five years.

    That’s all, sorry for the wall of text. Happy holidays to those celebrating.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You do have a good handle on this. And yeah, even understanding what is going on here does not make it less sad.
      I am sorry your friend is floundering and adrift. You have been a good friend to him. I am sending out good vibes that things improve for him in some way very soon.

  96. Kuododi*

    To those of y’all who are a part of the Christian tradition, may your Easter be warm, peaceful and blessed with God’s love. To those brothers and sisters in the Jewish community, may G-d richly bless and keep you this Passover season. My prayers for all of the AAM community is that you have all the love and grace the Unnamed One may bring. Blessings to all!!!

  97. bephakud*

    Mental health question here:

    My brother is quite a number of physical, emotional, mental, & intellectual issues. He’s no longer a young man & he lives with my parents & will probably always need to live with them or eventually, with me. I love him dearly, we’ve always been the closest siblings.

    A few years ago, he developed an imaginary girlfriend who is now his wife. He does have real friends and even a real girl friend. I’m not sure how I feel about imaginary one. On the one hand, he credits his wife with improved emotional and behavioral stability. But how far is too far? Last year when I saw him, he got angry because he was holding the door open for her at a restaurant and two guys walked through it. My mother was in a full waiting room & another patient asked if she could sit in the empty seat next to my brother & my mother told her “no”.

    Today, my brother had a “coming out” for his wife. He explained that everyone had someone & this was his someone. I’ll be seeing him again next month. I’m not sure if he’ll repeat this when I’m there. If he does, what’s most appropriate response given I really don’t know how healthy this is? So far, I’ve not acknowledged his wife, but I’ve also not gone out of my way to “sit on her” or “walk over her”.

    I guess I’ve felt that, I don’t see him and talk to him every day, maybe this is OK if it’s helping him to feel less lonely, even if it’s not, if it’s not causing him harm, who cares, live & let live. But should someone set expectations for what’s reasonable to expect from stangers?

    1. fposte*

      Maybe, but I don’t see why that someone would have to be you, especially since you don’t have information about whether that would be helpful for him or not. Does he have a doctor with an opinion on this?

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t think he (or you) can reasonably ask other people to be pawns/participants in someone else’s mental illness. I’d say it’s not healthy for people in good mental health to get into the habit of acting like it’s reasonable. There’s value in enforcing reality. Breaks from reality are symptomatic of major mental ailments. My uncle had an extreme case of schizophrenia so I’m speaking from my one case of observing stuff in this vein, and I think your proximity to your brother has already caused you to not register how serious this could be. Do not indulge this, and do not ask other people to do so either. I’m not going to diagnose him, but your story sounds a lot like stuff my uncle did, and he had a diagnosis, so….

    3. Nacho*

      This doesn’t feel like the kind of thing an internet chatroom will be useful for. This is the kind of thing you need to consult a mental health professional for.

      1. Temperance*

        I think that this is unfair. FWIW, I’ve found better advice relating to dealing with a mentally ill relative from Reddit than I have from dealing with actual professionals. NAMI might have some good resources, but I’m not sure that they’re friendly to family members.

        1. Sylvan*

          NAMI has groups for family members, spouses, and friends, for what it’s worth. Talking to them might be good.

          It might be different for you locally, but NAMI also seems to have a decently diverse mix of resources around here. It’s not just about anxiety and depression, which is something I’ve noticed with local in-person mental health stuff (fine by me, I’m on Team Mood Disorders, but I wish there were more for others).

      2. Sylvan*

        Yeah, see a professional if you can, but I don’t think anything’s wrong with asking around here. Some posters have made insightful comments about having children, siblings, or other relatives with mental illnesses or disabilities over the years.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, the genius of the group here is astounding. I am in total awe of what people can figure out and show each other.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Ideally, he would be working with a doc and the doc or a social worker would develop a behavior plan. That behavior plan would be something that everyone would use, so your brother gets the same message from everyone.

      If some people are acknowledging the wife and some people are trying to bring him back to reality, each group is defeating the other group. In the end, I think the people who have the most contact tend to have the most leverage, so their opinion tends to “win” out.

      Now, it could very well be that a doc or social worker decides to let him keep the wife because of other reasons. Or it could be that he is using the wife you can’t see against everyone to allow himself to remain in a state of constant anger/upset. Dunno. There is no one size fits all answer. I have seen some times where people went along with stuff because they knew the person was dying. In other cases that same type of stuff/behavior was totally unacceptable.

      I do not have a degree in such matters. But I spent 11 years in human service so I can tell you about what I saw people doing. I do think professional advice from someone who can monitor the situation with you guys is very important, because this is an on-going story and nothing that can be resolved or “fixed” in one day/week/month. Indeed, it may never be “fixed”, it could just be a matter of building coping tools.

  98. saffytaffy*

    Does anyone remember the letter-writer who wrote to AAM in a flurry after a bad interview, saying at one point that a certain question was “objectively the worst interview question” or similar, and then was in the comments being kind of combative? It was a very long original letter, and then the comments were also long, and it turned out the person was in academia… Does that ring a bell with anybody?

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