weekend free-for-all – April 21-22, 2018

by Alison Green on April 21, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Female Persuasion, by Meg Wolitzer. It’s about friendship, mentorship, activism, and what we want from each other, with characters who are all the more compelling because of their flaws. I loved it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. amanda_cake*

    Has anyone had any ITB tendon/muscle group issues? I went to Urgent Care this week and they thought I have snapping hip syndrome, but the orthopedist they referred me to thinks it is the ITB group rubbing against the bone and making it inflamed. He gave me three rounds of steroids and I’m almost done with the first round. It has helped some, but once I get up and going for the day that’s when the pain really kicks in.

      1. amanda_cake*

        Oral steroids. He said his next move would be an injection of cortisone.

        I’ve thought about physical therapy but don’t know how that would work with my schedule… I’m hoping to land a new job and move soon, so the logistics behind all that would complicate getting to regular appointments.

        I missed the last step going downstairs today and fell right on that side, so I’m feeling extra sore tonight.

    2. fposte*

      I’m a little confused–that *is* snapping hip syndrome. (One kind, anyway; the other is the iliopsoas catching against the bone–maybe Urgent Care suggested it was that kind and the orthopedist was disagreeing with that?) I actually have both kinds to some degree, though the iliopsoas is more of a problem for me.

      It’s fine to try a steroid, but if that’s not getting you there physical therapy is the likely next step; if he doesn’t bring it up, you should ask. Massage can also help. You might also Google “self massage for snapping hip”–my bet is that there will be some tennis-ball related self-massage for you.

      Be aware that often the location you’re feeling the pain isn’t necessarily the place that the most change can be made, so physical therapy may focus on stretching and strengthening all kinds of areas on you.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think the iliopsoas may be what I injured when I fell skating in January 2016. It’s hurt in that area ever since. And it goes around into my back and down my leg, too.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Another vote for physical therapy. I fell a few months back and injured my knee. While I did have a torn meniscus, I learned– with the help of my PT– that most of my problems generated from IT band inflammation. Now that I know where the problem really lies, I can do exercises that mitigate the pain quite a bit. The steroids will get the inflammation down, but PT might be a huge help to get you walking normally again.

    4. Awkward Interviewee*

      I have IT band issues from running. It usually causes outer knee pain for me, but occasionally hip pain. Physical therapy is what helped me. Sometimes it’s caused by muscle imbalances which is why PT is important.

      1. Betsy*

        I have Illiotibial Band Syndrome too and physical therapy is also what mostly fixed it for me (although it does come back on occasion during long walks or when going up and down stairs).

    5. Dame Judi Brunch*

      I had terrible hip pain with the joint catching. The orthopedic surgeon thought it was a snapping psoas tendon or a torn labrum.
      He sent me to physical therapy, but there was no improvement. He ended up sending me for an ultrasound and MRI. It was a torn labrum and I needed surgery. It was arthroscopic surgery and it was pretty low-key.
      Note if you have an MRI done on your hip, make sure you have contrast dye injected. The first MRI done by a crummier doctor did not use it, so I had to pay for a 2nd MRI. I wish I had known going in!
      Good luck!

    6. lapgiraffe*

      I struggle with my IT band and focus a lot on it with my trainer in the form of stretches, rolling, and targeted exercises, but I also get regular massages that include cupping that have been life savers!! It’s a commitment, going in every month for the first few months and then tapering to every 3-4, but I cannot believe my mobility after these sessions – I swear I feel like years are taken off. While I’ve long been a massage and body work proponent, cupping has literally changed my life for the better.

    7. aes_sidhe*

      Tumeric (95% curcuninoids or higher) and magnesium glycinate are excellent for inflammation.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I can vouch for turmeric. I get the Gaia brand, I was told it’s on a par with Motrin 800s. I have heard of people keeping it in the medicine chest and using it the way people use aspirin for random pain.

        1. LS*

          The problem with turmeric is that people’s absorption of it varies greatly – for some people it does great work, for others nothing. Definitely worth trying, but it’s not for everyone.

    8. Edie*

      I have a chronic IT band problem that manifests near my knee, not my hip, and the best solution I’ve found is stretching my hamstrings A LOT (I’ve almost reached my goal of being able to do the front splits) combined with foam rolling my butt and strength training for my hamstrings and abs.

      I’ve found it really doesn’t work to foam roll directly on my IT band, but on the muscles that surround it and especially this muscle that gets tight in my butt. The IT band is supposed to be tight. (disclaimer: not a physical therapist).

      I’m convinced my main problem is caused by adhesions between my IT band and surrounding muscles. Long ago a chiropractor did something called “active release technique” which was basically them putting pressure on the adhesions while I moved my leg. This TOTALLY IMPROVED my leg for a while… but of course the problem came back! I wish I had the money to spend on regular sports massages.

      My favorite stretching trick is to do the side/middle splits (no, not all the way in the splits, I’m not that flexible!) with my feet against an object like a couch because then I’m able to grab the bottom of the couch and pull myself forward into the stretch with my arms instead of forcing myself into the stretch with my back and hips. The couch stops my feet from sliding out of place. A wall would work in a pinch but you can’t grab onto the wall. I hope this makes sense. Stretching my adductors like this really helps my overall flexibility but I do a sport that requires a lot of adductor strength so YMMV.

      1. JSPA*

        Not for acute inflammation, but for tightness and long-term constrictions or bound joints, Rolfing has finally done for me what 10 years of increasingly deep tissue massage only hinted at. It’s painful to the same degree but in a slightly different way than deep tissue massage, and many (most?) practitioners will make you do a standard series of 10 visits covering the whole body (and then move on from there). After my neck released while my tailbone was being worked on, and my foot on cramped while he was working on the mid back ribs on the other side, and my IT band release was completed by work on the psoas… I had a hard time considering this to be any sort of imposition! The effects last for months rather than weeks. (Apologies if this double posts)

  2. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

    Hello weekenders!

    I’m about to start my third week of sick leave due to what I thought was a depression relapse, but that probably just is my body nope-ing out after two incredibly stressful years.

    I’m already feeling a lot better but I’m also starting to be comfortable being home, and the thought of work in a week and a half (getting up in the mornings! Performing! Being sociable!) feels so-so… But I think that’s more nerves rather than me actually needing more time off.

    I’ve finished 4 seasons of the West Wing (I’m in love) and gone bike riding a lot.

    An actual question rather than my ramblings:

    I want to start riding my bike through the fairly busy downtown of my hometown, but I’m chickening out because I’m afraid I’ll get hit by a car and/or hit a pedestrian.

    Any advice for how to get over the fear? There are good bike paths and plenty of bikers here, and it’d cut my commute in half.

    But I’m a small feathery bird when it comes to this!

    1. Hannah*

      Work up to it gradually. Start off at a non-busy time, or in a slightly less busy street, and then gradually increase the level of traffic. You’ll gradually get more comfortable.

      And always remember that if you feel unsafe or overwhelmed, you can just pull over on a sidewalk and walk your bike through scary intersections or around crazy drivers. There are a few intersections that are just too much for me where I just always get off my bike and walk it in the crosswalks.

    2. CAA*

      Start out by riding what will be your regular route at times that are less busy than your commute. This weekend is a good starting point, then try a couple of weekdays around mid-morning, then do one day at the normal time before you go back to work, so it won’t matter if it takes you a bit longer or you decide not to finish the trip.

        1. nep*

          Yes, brave it.
          Good that you’re taking this on.
          It’s one of those things that reminds us that try as we might we can never, ever control what happens. We can only be as careful and cautious as we choose — then control only our reactions to whatever comes our way.
          I hope you’ll brave it and get a lot of joy out of your riding.
          Best

    3. CG*

      Wear something bright. And if you are riding on a road without a bike lane don’t be scared to take the lane like a motorcycle does (following the path the wheel of a car would travel). At least in my downtown area traffic rarely goes 25 mph (people parking, pedestrians, stop lights) so riding in traffic, rather than along side it makes the most sense.

        1. Ella*

          Please don’t bike without hands while looking at your phone! That is definitely not the goal to aspire to. :)

          I was a bike commuter for a number of years, and I’m hoping to get back to it this summer, and besides wearing bright colors and following your local laws, I think the biggest thing is: behave predictably. Ride in a straight line. Signal your turns. Don’t ride on the sidewalk (cars can’t see you/don’t look for you there, especially if there’s parked cars on the curb between you and them). Don’t ride so far to the right of the road that you won’t have any reaction time if someone opens a parked car door or if a pedestrian steps out from between two cars. When you’re at an intersection and there’s a car that could potentially cross in front of you, make eye contact with the driver of the car and confirm that they see you before moving forward. I think a lot of people, when they start biking in the city, feel exposed and vulnerable, and you kinda are. But the flip side of that is that it’s so much easier to be aware of your surroundings on a bike than in a car, because you’re not sealed up in a tiny moving room. Because you’re moving slower and you’re not enclosed, it’s easier to keep track of peds, hear cars behind you, get a sense of an intersection before you venture out into it. Best of luck. Have fun. :)

        2. CG*

          The biking while phoning thing boggles my mind! It took me a while to realize that what felt safe (to me) was actually more dangerous. But I feel badass when I have my cuff turned up and my arm out and cars need to wait for me to make my left turn! Enjoy your rides, you inspired me to do a spring tune-up.

    4. Flinty*

      Maybe see if you can find a bike class to help make you more comfortable? Probably won’t work if you’re rural, but a lot of more urban areas have bicycle clubs and associations that have classes on city biking.

      (for anyone in DC, the Washington Area Bicycle Association has awesome free classes!)

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        I don’t think there is. There are lots of triathlon clubs and the like, but I’ve never heard of a ”I’m scared of city traffic” one. My country consists of health nuts, and a looot of bikers, so it probably doesnt cross anyone’s mind to start a club like that.

        1. Flinty*

          If you were in the US, I would say that if you are in an urban area and there are a lot of bikers, there probably is some kind of bike club? In my experience, bikers love to recruit everyone to the bike commuting side and and the more serious bikers there are, the more beginner cycling classes there are. But yeah, I guess that may be very country-specific!

        2. Daria from Cleveland*

          Look specifically for a “confident city cycling class” in “[name of your city]”. You got this!

        3. JSPA*

          BikePittsburgh, as well as a lot of online resources has a bike to work day so newer people can ride with a group of experienced commuters. I think they also had some sort of matching service so that at any time of year you had a chance of finding a neighbor with a similar commute who would take you along the first few times. If you have nextdoor or a similar online neighborhood group this wouldn’t be the silliest thing to ask. If you want to make sure that it doesn’t get weird, specify that you would like to do it once or twice.

    5. Zathras*

      Year round bike commuter here (though I do take the train or just WFH if there is snow/ice on the road). One thing to consider – how much bike riding have you done recently? I started bike commuting after several years of regular long recreational rides. I was also scared of commuting in city traffic but one thing that helped was that I was already really comfortable on my bike. You don’t need to be a pro cyclist, but if the last time you rode a bike was many years ago as a teenager, definitely do some riding in low-traffic conditions first. Then, when you start trying out higher traffic situations, you will be more confident in your ability to handle your bicycle. (This may not apply if you already ride your bike regularly!)

      Also look up whether there are any bike to work events coming up where you live – National Bike to Work week/day is in May. Where I live (Boston area) there are group commutes where everyone meets up at one location and then rides into the city together – usually these are specifically targeted at helping people who are new to bike commuting try it out. I’ve also seen events where there is a free breakfast for bike commuters somewhere along a popular bike route. Google “Bike to work day” and your location to see if anything comes up.

      Be willing to experiment with your route. The best bike route is probably not the way you would drive, and it may not be the bike route Google suggests either. Look at the map for lower-traffic streets going the same direction you are and try those out. Anywhere you need to make a left turn, figure out safest intersection to do that on a bicycle. Different routes may work better at different times of year and in different weather conditions – bike paths won’t get salted or warmed by use as much as the roads and may be too icy in winter.

      I like having a mirror for seeing behind me without turning or losing sight of the road in front of me. This might make you feel more comfortable in traffic. Be careful though – even on a bike you still have a blind spot with mirrors, so always actually look over your shoulder before changing lane positions.

      Good bright bike lights are also important – bikes are really hard to see, particularly at night but also dawn/dusk or in overcast conditions. I actually recommend 2 rear lights – one flashing to catch attention, and one steady to help drivers judge your position and speed, which is really hard with a flashing light. (I don’t know if this will help with the fear exactly, but it will do a lot to actually increase your safety.)

      Don’t be tempted to ride on the sidewalk thinking it’s safer – it’s not. Drivers going in and out of driveways/side roads are not expecting anything faster than a pedestrian to come along a sidewalk, so they won’t look far enough down the to spot you approaching before moving across the sidewalk. If there is no bike lane, the best place to be is well out in the road (not hugging the shoulder) because that is where the drivers are looking.

      Long comment, but hopefully some of it is helpful! Good luck! Bike commuting is super fun and great exercise. Once you try it a few times, I bet you will find that it is much less scary than you expect. I was really scared when I first started out but I found that completing the first commute gave me a huge confidence boost. I have been doing it now for about 5 years.

      1. Zathras*

        You totally said right in your comment that you ride your bike a lot already, disregard my first paragraph. :-) Also, it sounds like you are not in the US, so the Bike to Work week events might not be a thing either, but you never know – maybe there is something similar locally, even if it’s not at the same time.

    6. AnonEMoose*

      Besides the good advice already given, please make sure that you wear a good helmet. My DH really likes having a mirror attached to his helmet (a good bike shop will have them); basically, it’s a small mirror on a holder that attaches to the helmet and extends a bit out to the side. It helps you see cars approaching from behind. It might help you feel more comfortable.

    7. N Twello*

      Go to a bike shop and buy (and ask them to install) a small flag that sticks out from your rear hub on the street side (not the curb side). They stick out about a foot and have a fluorescent orange plastic flag. They wobble/bounce when they hit something. Drivers tend to stay far away from bikes with the flag, I think because they think their car will get scratched. (It won’t.) I biked in a huge city for many years, and it got a lot easier after I had one of those.

      When I first started biking in the big city, I had a lot of accidents. I was young and foolish back then, and it took me too long to realize that I needed to SLOW DOWN. Once I realized that, I never had another accident.

      Another tip: the most dangerous time to be on the street is during the evening commute. My guess is that drivers are hungry and impatient to be home. They are their most aggressive and inattentive. Be careful.

      Finally, urban biking can be stressful. Keep a good attitude and have fun! It’s incredibly rewarding.

    8. LemonLyman*

      The first four seasons are THE BEST! It becomes a different show at season 5 since that’s when Aaron Sorkin no longer writes the show. I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just very different (and not as good). I’ve watched all 7 seasons multiple times but I find it’s best to give people a head’s up that the last three seasons have a very different vibe.

    9. Alice*

      The good news is, biking will make you a better driver. Practice trying to anticipate drivers’ behavior (and pedestrians’ too to a degree). If the car in front of you is slowing down, is the driver about to swing into a parking space without signalling? Or maybe a pedestrian who is hidden from you by traffic is crossing? If someone just passed, is she about to turn across your path?
      If the bike lane is in the door zone, or if you are turning across the oncoming lane, move into a safer position.
      A pannier or bike bag will make you more comfortable when you have to carry things.
      As you get more comfortable intersections that seem scary now will start to feel easier. Have fun!

  3. PlantLady*

    Up at 4:00 this morning so I can be there to help set up our community “pot sale” fundraiser (pottery, not cannabis)

    Not fond of the wake-up time (No, cats…this is not your new breakfast time, so don’t get used to it), but being a volunteer does mean first dibs on the merchandise and since “Spring is sprung” and all that, I have been collecting plants and potting soil and I am ready to get my hands dirty!

    I really hope somebody is bringing caffeine and pastry…

    2. Life is Good*

      Wish I was where you are, Plant Lady! That sale is something I would get up at 4 AM for! Hooray for Spring!

  4. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans there’s now a groups.io group (link in username).

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk tabletop roleplaying games with.

    Come and chat, find an online game, talk about gaming podcasts, ask for playing or game-mastering advice and delve deeper into the RPG hobby.

  5. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I had turbinate reduction surgery yesterday and I am soooo happy it’s over. I was a ball of anxiety– first time under general anesthesia– but everything went very smoothly. I felt a bit woozy yesterday but I’m mostly fine. I got up a few hours ago feeling great. But now? I’m soooo sleepy and my throat hurts. This is a result of first the anesthesia and second the whole sleeping upright thing (which SUCKS) and all the drainage. I had planned to do nothing this weekend but woke up being all, “Yeah, let’s GO!” and now I’m, “Uh… no, I’m going to lie in the guest bed watching Bake Off.” My boyfriend has been great. He took very good care of me yesterday and even brought me frozen custard (at my request, but I know he hates the custard shop so it was a pain in the butt for him). Looking forward to better breathing and fewer headaches!

    1. fposte*

      Congratulations on being on the other side! I hope soon it’ll be clear that it was worth it and you’ll be able to lie down to sleep again.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Thanks! I feel like these few morning hours have shown me why our doctors tell us to “take it easy” even if we want to ignore them. :) Hoping to sound less stuffy by Tuesday.

    2. DietCokeHead*

      I’m glad the surgery is over! Definitely take it easy this weekend. Surgery can really take a lot out of you, even if you don’t want it to or think it will.

    3. Book Badger*

      I got turbinate reduction surgery last December. Trust me, it’s great! Being able to breathe properly is the weirdest sensation if you haven’t been for years. XD

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I have all of these crazy notions that I will now be able to get a good night’s sleep, my headaches will decrease, and I will be able to sing for more than two measures without breathing. I just have to get through this first week and all of my dreams will come true, right? RIGHT?

        1. Chaordic One*

          Um, well no.

          Having the turbinator reduction surgery (and septoplasty) was one of the best things I ever did for myself, but all of my sinus problems did not go away, unfortunately. Still, there was a significant improvement in my feel it was like a 90% improvement, so it was definitely worth it.

    5. aes_sidhe*

      I had sinus surgery about 2.5 years ago, and my ENT did a turbinate reduction while he was at it. It’s amazing how much of a difference it’s made. I went from very frequent migraines to none. I will say it took longer than I thought it would to get past the being tired all of the time from the anesthesia. Good luck with the recovery!

  6. Annie Moose*

    Happy weekend!

    I’ve been considering adopting a cat. (I volunteer at the local animal shelter and I can’t stand a catless apartment anymore!!) However, I’ve never owned a cat before. AAM cat owners, any advice for a first-timer?

    I’ve been doing a bit of reading, but I’m particularly wondering about things like catproofing my apartment and what sort of things I should be sure to have on hand before bringing a cat home. (aside from the obvious litter box/food/toys etc.) Any other advice will be welcome as well!

    1. TL -*

      I just got a kitty and did almost zero catproofing – just picked things up and put things I didn’t want her touching on the counter she can’t jump on.
      But I’m a grad student and I can spend a lot of time at home, so I was able to watch her and see what kind of trouble she gets into.

    2. Book Lover*

      Lol, just saw this after posting my own comment and question.

      I never cat proofed, we only ever lost one vase to a cat and it was an ugly one, so maybe was on purpose. I do recommend sisal cat scratchers. We had a rescue that was declawed before we got her, but you shouldn’t declaw a cat that hasn’t been and they need to scratch. You can also regularly trim nails but still need something for them to scratch.

      A metal bowl for water, ceramic bowl for food, litter box and a litter that won’t aerosolize too much. Maybe a spray bottle if you want to keep her off tables and so on. A bed if you don’t want her to sleep with you or just want her to also have her own space. A carrier so you can bring her home and to vet.

      Good luck, cats are the best.

      1. Clever Name*

        All of this.

        Also, if you have plants, it can be hard to keep cats out of them, but it is possible. I sprayed the plants with a bitter cat repellant and I squirt kitty with a spray bottle when he messes with one.

        And on the scratching posts, cats prefer different materials. One of mine likes the sisal and the other actually likes the carpet ones (first cat I’ve ever had that prefers the carpeted ones).

        1. Junior Dev*

          I got a product called “cat scat” which is a spiky mesh designed to keep cats out of gardens but you can also use it on large potted plants.

          1. Clever Name*

            I’ve been meaning to collect some pine ones from my yard for just this purpose. :)

        2. epi*

          I highly recommend just getting them their own plants. Mine don’t really care about cat grass but they love ferns– most are fine for them to gnaw on a little and they seem to like the shape. I leave those in areas they know are theirs, like by their food or a favorite sleeping spot, and they mostly ignore other plants.

          Just use the ASPCA toxic plants list to make sure you know what you’re getting. Some varieties, like asparagus fern, aren’t actually ferns and are toxic.

        3. SciDiver*

          Seconding the plants bit–our family cat loves playing with the spider plant in the dining room, and my sister’s cat goes nuts over cat grass. Definitely familiarize yourself with plants that cat’s can’t be around, like day lilies, garlic, onions. Spray bottles work well for keeping cats off counters/tables/places you don’t want them. Some pet stores have cat loungers that are made of corrugated cardboard–those serve both as something to gnaw on and a place to relax. Having some cardboard boxes around or using one to store cat toys is also a good idea, our vet told us years ago that biting the cardboard helps the cat floss their teeth.

          Each cat is different, and you’ll be able to figure out what cat-proofing you need to do once you’ve had them for a while. The only other advice I’d give for a first-time cat owner is stick to the amount of food the vet or shelter tells you. My girlfriend adopted her first cat 2 years ago and gave him what she thought was right based on how vocal he was about being hungry. Took him to the vet 6 months later and he’s 2.5lbs heavier than he should be!

      2. Joie De Vivre*

        Cat carrier – I have one that opens on the top and opens on one end. It is wonderful if you have a cat that fights going in.

    3. Margaret*

      Two cats if you got the room is better than one- they play with each other and keep each other out of trouble. Often you can find siblings. Having owned many cats over the years, it’s amazing how much less catproofing you need to do!

      Because it’s really going to be a practice of trial and error. My first cat immediately ate flowers from vases and clawed any patent leather shoes he could access. My second cat could be counted on to knock stuff off shelves whenever possible, ideally water glasses or fragile ornaments. I had a cat who liked to chase candle flames and would set her whiskers on fire if she was allowed in the room with one. But none of these cats would have had ANY trouble with the other one’s worst behaviours. You just have to wait and see what trouble yours will find.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Unscented litter. When I got mixed up and bought scent-absorbing, thinking that was what we had–blurgh, opening the door to the house it smelled like cat litter.

      Cats seem to immediately pick up the litter box idea, so that’s a plus.

      Little bippy things. They literally sell strips of plastic like the pull tabs on milk jugs, so good are they to bip.

      Our cats work with the puppy (cat knocks the shampoo off the shelf in the bathroom, puppy chews up the bottle) so I advise not getting a puppy at the same time.

      2. Nic*

        I have had really good luck with a brand called pretty litter. It’s unscented, it desiccates the feces, and it absorbs the urine then lets the water evaporate off. The best part is that it changes color based on the acidity level which gives early warning for things like bladder infections.

        It’s also delivery, and subscription. Which makes it really easy.

    5. greykitty*

      I read Cats for Dummies, before I got my girl. Maybe check your local library – the librarians would probably be happy to point you toward some good basic cat care & health books. I would recommend checking out some vets in your area before you pick up your baby. Mine does a free new pet check, and it was peace of mind even though my shelter was a darn good one for pet health. You’ve probably got this all under control due to being a volunteer at the shelter. Do watch out for any plants you have at home; so many can be harmful to pets eating them – and I had to ditch my decorative baskets because my boy enjoys gnawing at them.

      And, to anyone, please consider adopting an adult. Mine were three when I got them (picked up as strays), and they’re now 15. Kittens are delightful – but with an adult you may have a little more insight into their personality even before you get them home. I’ve been repaid a million times for adopting my ‘mature’ kitties.

      1. Book Lover*

        Yes. Got thre as kittens, one as an adult. She had been abandoned and who knows how long she had been out on the street, but she was the sweetest most loving thing. Kittens you just can’t tell what they will be like. My first was a love, but the two I got together we adored but they were always a struggle.

    6. Hellanon*

      Do it! Cats are the best. You might consider getting a slightly older cat (between one and five years old) or bonded pair-once a cat is past the destructo kitten phase they are a lot easier while still being serious fun. And the older cats/bonded pairs have a harder time finding homes, so you’ll really be doing some good.

      (And I second the advice below. You can’t really cat-proof an apartment beyond eliminating known hazards. Make sure your windows have secure screens, get rid of all lilies and lily relatives, fit cabinets with secure latches, that sort of thing. And then watch them. One of my cats had pica and required all kinds of accommodations, shall we say, while the other two are remarkably easy in comparison.

    7. fposte*

      The best way to catproof a place is to cat-bait a place! Give your cat lots of places she can and will want to go to perch, to curl up, and to scratch, and give her lots of exciting things to do, especially with you, once she settles in.

    8. Turtlewings*

      Before you pick out a cat, check out the cat personality types (link below) and talk to the shelter staff about who is the best match for you. As a volunteer you may already know all about that, but the sad truth is that not every cat is equally suited to every owner! You definitely want a cat who’s going to be a good companion for you specifically and not drive you nuts.

    9. Melody Pond*

      Invest in at least a couple high quality cat scratchers. PetFusion scratchers on Amazon are super expensive, but omg, they’re made out of kitty crack or something, and cats love them. I’ll link the ones we have below, our cats go nuts for them. Experiment with where you place them. Cats will want to use them in the places where they like to hang out the most – sometimes with the best view of the room, or a good view of outside, or right next to the human furniture.

      I actually really like the non-clumping wood pellets as kitty litter. If you buy the kind that’s made for a pellet stove (and not the kind that’s marketed as kitty litter) it’s cheaper than the cheapest crappy clay clumping liter. There are YouTube videos out there to help you learn how to clean that type of litter – it’s not hard. It also smells way, way better than any other cat litter I’ve come across. And because it expands as it’s used, you only use a tiny bit of it in the box. I wouldn’t use more than it would take to cover the litter box floor in about two pellets worth of depth.

      (A caveat to this – if the cat you adopt has never used this kind of litter before, you’ll probably have to go through a slow transition period between their old litter and the new litter. It’s a pain to do the transition, because the mix of clumping and non-clumping litter basically means you have to toss all of it after a certain level of being “dirty”, but once you’ve completed the transition, it’s totally worth it.)

      I like to invest in really high quality, grain-free, filler-free, wet cat food (which we can afford partially because we spend so little money on litter). I buy the frozen raw Primal pellet cat food, but there are other kinds out there. This is another one where you have to transition your cat really slowly, if they’re not used to that kind of food, and it’s best to do it under the advice of a naturopathic/holistic vet (many mainstream veterinarians are solidly against any kind of raw food, but many mainstream veterinarians are also solidly in the pocket of major, giant pet food manufacturers.)

      And finally – if there are certain surfaces where you don’t want your cat to jump up and be on (for me, this is kitchen counters): Scat Mats. Again, they’re expensive, but OMG they work. They work much better than simply spraying a cat with water every time you catch them on the forbidden surface, because they’re effective when you’re not around, and you’re not watching. The cat will also associate the electric shock (very minor – just enough to startle them) with the surface, and not with you.

      Oh, and if you get a cat that needs interactive playtime (which many do) there are a couple of specific cat toys that are just magic.

      Links to follow.

      1. Melody Pond*

        PetFusion Ultimate Lounge Cat Scratcher (just look at the sheer number of positive reviews and the average score, to get a sense of how consistently cats love this one): http://a.co/cRm6qcR

        PetFusion Flip Lounge: http://a.co/fMHD4pG

        PetSafe ScatMat: http://a.co/fJL0jTx

        GoCat Da Bird cat toy: http://a.co/0ljLPFX

        I like to use this wand toy…
        GoCat Teaser Cat Catcher wand toy: http://a.co/0oQ6LL2

        … with these, higher quality mouse “refills” (made of real fur, sewn together – no glue, no metal, no plastic, etc):
        Fun Rat Pack Refill: http://a.co/ixrVDfl

      2. Clever Name*

        I’ve been wondering if pellet stove fuel would work as cat litter. I use feline pine, but would love to find cheaper stuff! You can get it at hardware stores or farm/ranch supply stores?

        1. Melody Pond*

          You sure can! We find it regularly at Lowes/Home Depot. It can be harder to find in the summer, but the bags are so big, that if you stock up on two or three 40 lb bags around April or May, you can probably get through the end of September on that supply (we have two cats, and we can, easily).

    10. Akcipitrokulo*

      If you are able to…. it’s often useful to have two cats because they will keep each other company when you’re out.

      1. Tuxedo Cat*

        If you go the two cat route, I’d suggest a bonded pair. My female cat doesn’t like other cats. I don’t think she even missed when one cat died.

        1. Denise*

          Second that. I had one cat who couldn’t stand other cats and later a cat no other cats could stand.

      2. Grapey*

        +1

        And if you can’t, go for an older cat that is used to being a singleton. We adopted a buddy about a year ago when our other single female cat was on her last legs, and he didn’t care one bit about her. Now that she passed, he loves being king of the house even though we’re gone 8 hours a day. Even when we’re home, 10 am – 4pm is just a big naptime for him.

    11. Tuxedo Cat*

      Make sure your plants aren’t poisonous to the cat. That’s a big one.

      Depending on the cat, you’ll want to keep anything really important away from the cat. Mine have a gift for throwing up on things. Some cats like to knock everything over.

      Make sure they can look out the windows. Mine love that.

    12. The Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so glad you’re adopting a cat! I did this for the first time last year, and as some people know on her, I’ve had quite the adventure with my one.

      Everyone’s advice is really good. I just want to add in mine.

      Even though you volunteer at the shelter, and so you know the general health of the cats, the first thing you should do, before you even take it home, is to take it to the vet.

      Cats are devious little creatures and they hide their aches and pains. A cat can be on death’s door before you know something’s wrong, so take your cat to the vet. They’ll probably already been tested for feline AIDS and feline leukemia (check with the centre and get the proof if you can), but if you can’t get that, get them tested. Also, have their teeth looked at and their nails trimmed (your thighs will thank you for that).

      Also, it’s just a good idea in general to get to know your vet before there is an emergency so that they .pknow the animal as well.

      Good luck with everything, this is really exciting, and let us know how it goes.

    13. Mallows*

      My cat is a wire chewer. Not all cats are, but until you figure yours out, keep your chargers and so forth hidden or high up.

      If your litter box is on carpet, I would suggest getting a linoleum remnant and putting it under the box for any accidents.

    14. Justme, The OG*

      I’ve never not had a cat. We’ve never cat proofed before the cat, instead we moved stuff after. Congrats!

    15. Oxford Coma*

      Getinng cats requires a bit of mental re-set for certain things. Previously I thought nothing of leaving hair elastics everywhere, and my husband shed guitar picks like they grew from his ears. We quickly learned to stop leaving small objects in exposed areas. Embrace the junk drawer!

    16. Manuel*

      I also never did any “catproofing,” per se, but one of the best things I bought was a water fountain. My cat was completely uninterested with a regular bowl of water, but loves his fountain. I also bought a plastic bin with higher sides than a regular litter pan, which keeps all the litter and mess inside the bin – my cat gets a little wild when he’s cleaning up after himself. Hope this helps!

    17. soon 2 be former fed*

      You must have a wand or two! Blue feathered ones are best. Use it liberally each day, and your kitty will purr with contentment.

  7. Book Lover*

    Ok, so last week I posted about needing (wanting) a less allergenic pet. I even visited a chinchilla.

    But when it comes down to it, what we want is a cat. So it doesn’t seem to make sense to get something else :(. So how much of a disaster would it be to get a ‘hypoallergenic’ cat like a Bengal or a Siberian? I understand Bengal cats are absolutely nuts? We would just get one cat, have not had great experiences with two at a time in the past.

    I have tried reaching out (with a great deal of guilt) to breeders but haven’t received much in the way of responses. I guess most of them have waiting lists already and so may not get a response or it may be a long time. I have looked at rescues but there isn’t anything in my area (or within several hours) that would be considered hypoallergenic.

    Another option is a rescue cat that is easygoing and to bathe her weekly. Not sure how much that would help?

    Anyone with experience with breeders and how they work or with experience with coping with allergies or asthma and cats?

    1. Clever Name*

      How bad are your allergies? I’m allergic to cats but I’ve always lived with them. Flonase has changed my life. I try not to touch my face after petting the cats and if they scratch me, I wash it with soap and water immediately.

        1. Ella*

          I lived with a cat and built up something of a tolerance for her. Costco allergy meds and diligently washing my hands (and staying away from her litterbox, that was my roommate’s job) were hugely helpful for me, but it would depend on the severity of your allergies. The cat did aggravate my asthma though.

          1. MysteryFan*

            My BF and I have 3 cats, and he is fine with our cats.. yet, if he pets a strange cat on one of our walks, and touches his face… Ooohhh Noooo. So, my point is, even if you’re allergic, if you can power thru with Zyrtec and Flonase (my drugs of choice) you MAY develop a tolerance to your own cat.

        2. aes_sidhe*

          Immunotherapy works. You just have to be very committed to it for 2-3 years since it’s a once a week shot until your system has quit responding to it. After the weekly shots, it turns into a once a month shot.

      2. I Love Thrawn*

        I’ve got asthma and allergies. I use Flonase – awesome stuff – and my asthma is mild, so I’m ok with the sneezes. It’s worth it to have their company. I have two cats, Toby and Leia. Definitely recommend a short hair though.

    2. Cat Person*

      check with a vet on bathing a cat weekly. They are not like dogs. I would worry about it drying out their skin. Also, I only recall every bathing one of my cats once, and it was not a happy experience. It was necessary as he had escaped the house and gotten filthy. Most cats hate bathing, so you’d probably have to get a kitten and train it to like the water, if the vet says that it would help with your allergies. But I don’t think bathing an animal is the way to go because *you* have a problem.

      1. Book Lover*

        Hmm, I will ask my vet friend, but bathing definitely does not have to be traumatic – many cats actually love water. I definitely will ask about what would be a safe interval. I know for hairless cats it is necessary to wash them weekly, but we decided against a hairless.

        1. aes_sidhe*

          I had to give my cat a flea bath once, and she just sat in the soapy water farting up a storm. I guess that was her way of retaliating against having to sit in water?

        1. fposte*

          For the breeders I’m acquainted with, I would consider email to be like snail mail. If you wrote them in the last week, they’ve barely even gotten it :-).

          By and large, breeders of purebred cats aren’t businesspeople. They’re cat people who have a little surplus sometimes. This is also likely to be kitten season, so they may be busy with the little guys.

          1. Book Lover*

            I am very impatient! Not for the cat itself, since I can’t get one immediately, but I hate uncertainty. That said, I heard back from a Bengal breeder but need to decide if one would be the right choice for us. And two Siberian breeders just emailed me back this morning, so that was exciting – though they don’t have any cats or kittens available hopefully I can be on a waitlist.

            1. fposte*

              I get you on the uncertainty! It sounds like things are rolling along, though, and you might have some enjoyable visits with cats in your future. (BTW, if they’re easily accessible to you there’s a lot to be said for visiting the cattery just to meet them and see what kind of cats they seem to turn out before there’s a specific cat or kitten in mind.)

              1. Book Lover*

                I am only looking at local (within two hours, though most are basically next door), I really wouldn’t want the trauma of a flight to start things off.

    4. Hellanon*

      Don’t get a Bengal unless you also have a farm or a lot of land – they really are wild creatures and need more stimulation than a house can provide. You might look at the hairless cats, but even so, the allergens are proteins in their saliva, not anything specific to the fur, so that may or may not help.

      Could you work with a rescue to foster, and see how it goes?

      1. Book Lover*

        I think that would be ideal, but no hypoallergenic cats available and I imagine they are rare. But we may go into an adoption of a ‘regular’ cat with the understanding it may not work out. Most of the options here would come from foster adopt so would be terrible to give one up after falling in love but wouldn’t mean surrending to a kill shelter.

      2. Kuododi*

        I’ve been owned by orange and one silver tabby over the course of my pet friendly life. I’ve also been owned by one Siamese cat. None of those were particularly hard on my allergies…just kept the pan clean, and the area swept up. ( IOW… routine care and maintenance ). One of my animal hoarding in law’s just “had” to have a hairless cat. The things are freaky IMO but that’s my issue. They aren’t cheap…start up cost alone set this in-law back almost$1000. Also, since they don’t have fur “technically” they need to be bathed regularly to keep skin healthy, will need sweaters if you live in cold weather area. Also they are prone to sunburn so during spring/summer they will need to wear sunscreen. As far as bathing cats goes, I only needed to do that with my silver tabby bc she had trichotillomania and would pull out her hair to the point of bleeding sores. Needless to say she had to have a few medicated baths to keep her from infection. Once the Siamese came to our house, she seemed to have recovered from the hair pulling quite nicely. Ended up with a beautiful silver coat.

      3. curly sue*

        Confirmed. Bengals are very high-energy, high-needs cats. I thought I understood cats, growing up with Burmese and owning a couple of Siamese… but the Bengal boy we had was a *unreal* amount of work to keep happy by comparison. We loved him to bits, he was a wonderful fluffy monster, but I’ll never get a Bengal again. A small townhouse with two working adults just does not provide the space or stimulation they need.

        (Also avoid Burmese – they’re amazing cats, but hyperallergenic. Even people who weren’t allergic to any other cats have been allergic to my mother’s Burmese cats over the years.)

    5. Kyubey*

      I think there other hypoallergenic breeds other than Bengals & Siberians, I had a Russian blue growing up and she never bothered my allergies while other cats did, though mine are mild to begin with. Maybe google hypoallergenic cats for other breeds; I haven’t adopted from a breeder but I wouldn’t recommend bathing, at least not every week.

    6. fposte*

      I would slow your timeframe down a lot here. IME, responsible cat breeders like to build a relationship with a prospective home, and they move at their own pace. Is there a cat show you can go to? That could be a really good chance to get up close with a particular breed and to talk to breeders, and then you can talk about a visit to the cattery later on.

      And yes, while Siberians and Balinese are the lowest secreters of the relevant protein, there are definitely other breeds, ranging from Siamese and their affiliated breeds to Russian Blues to the Rexes, that tend to be less allergenic. And don’t throw the cat out with the bathwater–if you don’t actually *like* the cat much, the fact that it doesn’t make you sneeze isn’t going to be much comfort.

      1. Book Lover*

        I can’t imagine a cat that I don’t like, though some are more challenging than others :).
        But yes, I actually can’t bring a cat home for at least three months, so am starting to look now because I know it may take time. Assuming I can actually get in touch with someone, I don’t mind if it takes a year or two to bring a cat home, but if I can’t actually communicate with someone, then I need to consider alternatives.
        We decided against the hairless, not super excited about Siamese and similar. But we will definitely explore our options. For now, I think a sweet Siberian would be perfect for us, but it may not be possible. I think a Bengal might be great given that we may not live on a farm but we do have a huge house with a lot of vertical space and two very active kids.

    7. Kj*

      Try one of the rexes- Cornish Rex cats are very friendly, while still being cats and are not crazy.

      1. Book Lover*

        They seem to have wonderful personalities! But none available in AZ that I could find. I did email one person but the website is out of date and not sure if they have kittens available or will in the future.

    8. Nesprin*

      Allergies+cats here. 1st do the immunotherapy shots. Theyve changed my life from 5 ed visits per year to 0 over the past two years. Second, hepa filter in the bedroom and no cats in there ever, so at least you have 8hrs per day to be free of allergens. Third, someone else needs to brush the cat, vacuum the house and do litterbox as these are high dander activities. Fyi there are no nonallergenic cats- they all have some dander. Id recommend catsitting for a few days to see if cat ownership will work for you.

      1. Woodswoman*

        Second this. You should assume you’ll be allergic to any cat. A friend allergic to cats has been able to live with a couple cats for years now because he did the allergy shots.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Don’t get a Bengal. Very few people can handle them – they need a TON of stimulation, and if they don’t get their needs met they will be destructive. So you see a lot of them being surrendered/dumped simply because humans were stupid. The closer to wild breeds in general are MUCH harder to have as pets, because they’re not really pets.

      If you really, really want a cat, it depends on your allergies. If meds will control the reaction, just commit to meds forever. Allergy shots can help too. However, as much as you may want a cat, if you don’t think it’ll work long term (entire life of the cat), do not get a cat. The animal is innocent and doesn’t deserve to suffer because you didn’t think things through.

      Even with allergies, you’ll react differently to different cats. Watch for patterns. For example, I seem to react to black cats the most, followed by long hairs. Black long haired cats are the worst for me. When choosing a cat to adopt, spend time with it. If you’re reacting badly, not a good sign.

      You can do things to help at home too. Keep the cat out of your bedroom. Having the cat on or in your bed will be concentrated allergy exposure, so much worse for you. Vacuum regularly. Brush the cat regularly to help w/shedding.

      Weekly bathing is probably way too frequent. Cats need a certain amount of oils to have a healthy coat, and if you’re washing them out that’s not good for them. If that would be a have to do to cope, then that means you can’t get a cat.

      I’ll be honest, if I was trying to find a cat a home and someone who knows they’re allergic wanted the cat, then I’d probably say no. The risk of you dumping/surrendering the cat is just too high. So before you get one, you need to be REALLY, REALLY sure that you can commit to providing that cat a good life that meets their needs for their entire life – regardless of your allergies.

      1. Book Lover*

        I understand, but would like to say that we have had cats for thirty years and have never surrendered a cat for allergies. So I don’t intend to start now…. I am just looking into the possibility of a cat that may be less allergenic to begin with. And as I mentioned somewhere, also the possibility of a foster adopt rescue situation where if it didn’t work out the cat would still be going to another home.
        We never bathed our cats except for my first, who seemed to enjoy it when it happened (not often), but I understood that the hairless cats had to be bathed weekly and wasn’t sure what would be reasonable and appropriate for cats with fur. I will check into that with the vet.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Ok. You’re realistic. Your best bet then is going to be spending time with individuals and trying to find one you react to less.

      2. Former Border's Refugee*

        And if you DO get a Bengal, don’t tempt fate, get a pair, and name them Mischief and Mayhem.

    10. neverjaunty*

      Oh noooo, as Alison would say.

      1) no cats are hypoallergenic. Some of them are less allergy-inducing than others, it’s true, but there are no magic allergy free cats.

      2) Bengals are not a starter cat.

      1. Book Lover*

        I have had cats for thirty years – not sure where you got the idea it would be a starter cat :). I am just sadly catless right now.

        Hypo actually means less. So I am aware there are no non-allergenic cats :). But some do have less of the allergenic protein in their saliva and some people with allergies do better with certain species than others.

    11. Book Badger*

      I have a severe cat allergy and asthma. Just as an FYI: when you have allergies, what you’re allergic to is a protein in their spit and skin. There’s no such thing as a completely hypoallergenic cat because all cats, even hairless ones, are going to have that protein, it’s just a matter of amount, and washing isn’t going to help much because they still have spit and skin.

      Immunotherapy can work (I’ve looked into it myself and I know people who went from very allergic to nothing or almost nothing), but it takes years of injections to get that far. If you want a cat NOW, immunotherapy might not work for you.

    12. EN*

      Turkish Vans are also supposedly less allergen inducing, and this has proven to be the case for me. I never noticed cat allergies when we just had the one kitty, who is probably a Turkish Van mix, based on his looks and attitude. (They’re often described as dogs in a cat suit.) I didn’t have issues until we brought home a stray kitten we found on the side of the road. That’s when I got tested and found out about my cat allergy—among many others. Immunotherapy sadly didn’t work for me, but other people have great success with it. Because of all of my other allergy triggers, I take a generic Zyrtec daily and use Flonase and don’t have any issues. If you really want a cat (and it sounds like you do), I’m sure you can find a way to make it work.

      1. Book Lover*

        I seem to remember that they like to swim, also :)

        I will take it slowly, nothing is coming home for at least three months, but I think it is worth continuing to investigate my options.

    13. Courageous cat*

      No experience with hypoallergenic cats but my ex-bf was extremely allergic and once he adjusted to my cat, he was 100% fine living with her. My bff is the same way with her cats. I think you could probably get a regular cat and be fine after an adjustment period.

    14. Windward*

      Bengals are really generally huge commitments. They need a lot more than “domestic” cats. If you’re interested, please contact Bengal rescue groups for info – why do people give up their Bengals, what makes for successful adoptions, & anything else they think you should know. Even some of the rescue folks can’t keep all Bengals.

      Allergies – if you’re up for alternative options, you could check out the NAET website to see if there are practitioners near you. I’ve had good luck with this, & a friend’s cat allergies (something I didn’t need) have fully resolved. You go thru a standard protocol & then do specifics like cats. It’s remarkably simple, & in my experience painless. The MD who created the program is also an acupuncturist.

    15. LilySparrow*

      I have terrible cat allergies, and in most cases it makes it difficult for me to even visit friends with cats.
      One friend also had allergies, but loved cats and had an ordinary shorthair mix. She brushed him daily and wiped him down with a damp washcloth morning and night.

      I never even sniffled at her house.

    16. periwinkle*

      I used to be in the cat fancy, which is such a strange name for it but anyway…

      Serious breeders are highly protective of their cats, and I would not trust a breeder who would sell me a cat without ever talking with me a few times. Litters are usually planned very carefully and generally a good breeder will plan on one litter per year for each breeding queen; breeding careers are just a few years. I’m differentiating them from “backyard breeders” who want to make money off their pet and from the scumbags who run kitten mills, neither of whom give a damn about genetics or health. Despite the inaccurate descriptions on Petfinder – no, that is not a Chartreux and that is not a Turkish Van and that absolutely is not a Maine Coon – there just aren’t that many purebreds and definitely not that many serious breeders in the U.S.

      If you’re emailing a breeder saying you’re allergic and want to buy X breed because of it, the response would be lukewarm at best. There’s no guarantee. Cornish Rex and Devon Rex are thought to be good for those allergic to dander, but both are very rare. Bengals, as noted, are not a beginner cat. They have an active breed rescue because they have no choice – they’re smart and agile and can be a real handful. I’ve only met a few Siberian cats, rare but both lovely and rather nice to be around (mellow and sweet).

      BTW, I’ve known a lot of breeders who are allergic to cats! They just put up with it or find a great allergist. Something you need to consider very seriously is what you will do if you cannot manage your family’s allergies around the cat. What happens to the cat? Serious breeders usually have a take-back clause in the sales contract – you agree to contact them if you need to re-home the cat, and they agree to take the cat back. But… this isn’t always a viable option. The first breed rescue I adopted was given up due to a child’s allergies, but the breeder was deceased. Thankfully the owner persisted and got in touch with the breed rescue contact, who sweet talked me into fostering, which lasted all of about a minute before I decided the kitty was staying with us.

      1. Book Lover*

        I joined a Bengal forum and did a lot of reading and regretfully it doesn’t seem like it would be the best choice for us. Might be great for the kids, but I want a mellower cat that will hang out on my lap sometimes.

        The only reputable local Devon rex breeder did answer my email and sent me a very thoughtful list of questions and we discovered we have some things in common :). He has invited me over to meet him and his wife and the cats and hang out for a while talking and answering questions and seeing how the allergies do. He says he has had good luck placing his kittens with people with allergies and he is very picky and demands close communications with people adopting his kittens, so I feel really good about that. The personality seems like it would be great for us – food for occasional snuggling as well as playing with the kids, but I have to see if I can find it adorable and not weird looking.

        I have had a nice positive communication with a reputable Siberian breeder who is relatively local, and she also invited me over to meet the parents of the next litter to see how it goes. Siberians are absolutely gorgeous, no question.

        We have always managed our allergies – they are annoying but not life threatening. I think a combination of allergy meds (oral and nasal) as well as considering immunotherapy would be reasonable. And keeping the cat out of most of the bedrooms. And definitely regular brushing and then washing as appropriate (I think for the rex is every 3-4 weeks but would discuss with breeder). And we already vacuum regularly, etc. We have never given up a cat due to allergies, but as you noted there is a take back clause for both of these.

        So right now tentatively we will plan on meeting both breeds and just seeing how things go, without making any decisions. No kittens would be coming home until late in the year, so time to talk and think.

        2. fposte*

          Are you for sure focused on kittens? I know sometimes breeders also have older retirees from showing or from breeding that they will rehome. If you’re open to that that’s a good thing to mention to breeders, too.

          1. Book Lover*

            Yes, one Siberian breeder may have a boy later this year, but not sure how males do when they are neutered late? I don’t want spraying issues if I can avoid it…. The Devon rex breeder doesn’t have any adults. I think kittens are cute, but they grow up fast and I don’t feel strongly about a kitten versus an adult.

    17. Not a Mere Device*

      I am slightly allergic to many cats, and strongly allergic to a few. As in, I’ve had a cat or two for most of my adult life, and managed with at most low-level allergy pills, but I’ve also had to leave a friend’s party after about half an hour, because I was allergic to her new kitten.

      What I did, when we were most recently looking to adopt a cat, was make repeated visits to both the local humane society and the adopt-a-cat spaces they had at a pet supply store. The idea was to meet some cats, see if there was one we liked, and then sit for half an hour and make sure I didn’t react badly. It wasn’t a perfect system, since what it told me was “I’m allergic to either this cat I would otherwise like to adopt, or one of the three others in the room with it.” But on the fourth visit, we came home with two cats; after a couple of years unmedicated, I’ve gone back to the allergy pills.

      If you’re working with a breeder, you might be able to do something similar–explain what you’re looking for in a cat, and ask need to spend a little one-on-one time with the possible cat and see whether she triggers a strong allergic reaction.

      This may not work, if you’re strongly allergic to most cats rather than a minority. It worked for me because basic cleaning levels meant I wasn’t being triggered by a cat that had been in the room the previous day, but if you’re allergic to half the kittens in a litter, and they share space, you may not be able to tell which ones are the problem.

    18. Spice for this*

      I came here to share with you that for many years I lived with terrible allergies (during this time due to different reasons I moved from one city to another with climates ranging from humid to extra dry) . I got allergy tested in 2007, found out I have allergies to cats, dogs, trees, grass, etc. I was on an allergy pill and a nasal spray from 2007-2012. Also, got allergy shots from 2008-2012. The entire time, we owned an inside cat (the cat lived outside for the most part from 2004-2007).
      In early 2013 I got tested for food allergies. Results came back and I gave up gluten, dairy, soy and corn. It took about 3-6 months and I was allergy free.
      We still have the cat and she is a healthy 15 years old now.

    19. JSPA*

      I build up tolerance but there are multiple gender types so learning to tolerate one cat does not allow you to tolerate every other. (otherwise it would make sense to hang out with somebody else’s cat until you were ready to tolerate your own). For me, having bedroom and bathroom be cat-free is absolutely essential. I also teach them from when they’re young to come to my feet for petting. That doesn’t mean they don’t also try to Head Bonk my forehead or put their heads under my hand, but it does let me pet them with my feet without them assuming that I’m about to kick.

      Of 3 cats, 2 have been bright enough to learn that they should only rub against my legs if my legs are clothed. Cat Number 3 is …unusually dense.

      We also have a throw with two different colored sides to go on laps, person side down / Cat Side Up.

      Cat wipes help.

      I make sure I have a brand new inhaler prescription if I’m getting a new cat. And I try to do it at a less allergenic time of year.

      Most of the hypoallergenic claims are frankly marketing. Whether or not you’re allergic to a particular cat has a lot more to do with you than any absolute about the cat. I suppose a deeply inbred breed could have only a single allergen type (?) But that sounds like asking for a lot of other problems. Also if there’s any risk at all that you could end up having to give the cat up… it may make extra sense to get one from the pound / animal rescue.

      FWIW, even though her hair goes everywhere and sticks to everything, my long hair happens to give me fewer allergen problems than my short hair does.

      When it’s time for another cat I’ll probably try to scratch myself very gently with the kitten’s claw, and gauge how extreme my reaction is, that way.

  8. selenejmr*

    I’ve got a question about tea. I started drinking hot tea about a year ago, and only liked English breakfast tea or Irish breakfast tea (the rest were too weak), but they seem kind of blah now. Does anybody have any recommendations for robust, good tasting tea? Thanks!

    4. CAA*

      Try a lapsang souchong. It’s got a strong smoky flavor. Also, assam is what gives Irish breakfast tea it’s strong flavor, so you could try an unblended assam. If you’re using teabags, switch to full leaf loose tea and try steeping longer.

      1. Washi*

        Mmmm yes. Smells like bacon to me, which is a little disconcerting, but I love lapsang souchong.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Lapsang is very much a love it or hate it kind of thing so I would suggest getting a sample size to try before buying a lot.

      3. selenejmr*

        I might be branded a heretic, but I have one of those Contigo autoseals and I just put my tea bag in, pour in hot water, close it up and keep the tea bag in all day.

        1. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

          seconding Yorkshire, particularly Yorkshire Gold.
          also nthing trying Assam unblended
          Murchie’s Afternoon is quite nice too

    6. Pollygrammer*

      I actually like Constant Comment, which is super cheap. It’s a flavorful black tea with spice and orange.

    7. PX*

      Based on finding the rest too weak, it seems to me like you are into black tea? Or have you tried other types like rooibos (redbush) or green tea? I’m from a tea growing country so I’m spoiled, but it might be interesting for you to know that things like English/Irish breakfast are actually blends, so you might be more interested looking into the pure varieties themselves. A quick internet search on ‘types of black tea’ gave me a few ‘best of’ lists, so that might be fun for you to look into :)

      Happy drinking!

    8. Margaret*

      Some of the oolongs are really nice, and so’s keemun. But they vary so much by shop… best bet is to go to a tea shop and tell them what you like, they’ll hook you up with recs of their best blend for you and samples.

      I’m like you, I drink strong black tea, and I can also be persuaded to drink keemuns and oolongs, or flavoured roiboos where the leaf is ground small enough that you get a rich flavour payoff. The ‘strength’ of tea has a lot more to do with how finely it’s milled than the leaf itself.

    9. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I like English and Irish breakfast a lot, and I have found making a good cup makes a difference. I drink P&G tips for English breakfast. I also really like earl greys that aren’t super floral, and the ones I am drinking now are both Adagio. What I did recently that I think you might want to try is just buy a whole ton of Adagio $5 tins, so you can brew a few cups and see if you like it before buying a whole ton. I’m addicted to their fandom blends, because I like pretty packaging.

    10. miyeritari*

      Is it a weakness thing, or have you tried other types of tea (like green tea, white teas, roobios)? I also love drinking earl grey, which has a pretty distinctive flavor, and I love sencha and jasmine green teas.

      You can brew stronger tea with more than one teabag or more leaves in your strainer, if it’s just a strength thing.

    11. Lau (UK)*

      Assam packs a decent punch, I’m a huge fan of spiced teas, largely chais which I drink black but you need to try a few before finding the right blend for you (i drink masala chai because i don’t do sweet)

    12. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Earl Grey is good. Adagio makes an Earl Grey Lavender that I absolutely love.

      You might want to try some pu’erh teas which are generally more robust and earthy.

    13. Parenthetically*

      Grab a sampler pack of single-origins or black teas from Upton Tea or The English Tea Store to see what you like! Assam, Darjeeling, Yunnan, etc., all have very different qualities. I like Assam for an everyday robust tea, but golden yunnan is gorgeous — it’s much much more expensive, but the flavor is just out of this world.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I am a PG Tips fan, and have to have a supply of it at home. I read somewhere that PG Tips is predominantly Darjeeling, but Assam and Ceylon are both quite strong teas as well.

          Once I had afternoon tea in Fortnum and Mason at St Pancras Station and there was a selection of teas (unsurprisingly!) to choose from and there was a house blend, which was quite nice.

          I know loose tea is superior in taste to teabags, but I still stick to the latter for convenience sake.

    14. lapgiraffe*

      Tea lover here, and I would suggest two brands – mighty leaf has lovey teas, and rishi is a new favorite in my premium category, specifically their earl grey which is very citrusy in the best way. Second the suggestion to get a sampler pack. I’ve also been very pleased with David’s Tea “the buzz” which is a mate blend, it has some caffeine and buzz, if you will, while still feeling light and herbal.

    15. Book Badger*

      Orange Pekoe can also be fun! It’s a strong black tea with a different flavor than the breakfast teas.

    16. ThursdaysGeek*

      Dilmah tea is excellent, better than Yorkshire Gold. You can get a nice black tea, but they also have a lot of flavored tea. I really like their blackcurrant. It doesn’t get bitter and tannic if it seeps too long.

      You can get it on Amazon, or order it directly from the grower in Sri Lanka.

    17. Chaordic One*

      I like English and Irish breakfast teas, but when they start to seem a bit too ‘blah’ I break out the Tazo Wild Sweet Orange. (It may be too sweet for some tastes, but it’s not like it is full of sugar.)

    18. Tea Drinker*

      Have you tried loose leaf teas? There’s a pretty big difference in flavor between tea bags and loose leaf, and if you like the taste of a particular blend but want it stronger, loose leaf might be your answer.

      If you’re looking to try different blends, Harney and Sons has a wide variety of excellent teas. You might like their Amba Thieves Tea – it’s a bit strong for my taste, but it might be perfect for you.

      If you’re in the US and you’re interested in Chinese tea, I’d definitely recommend checking out Little Red Cup Tea Co. I drink their tea daily. You might like their Gunpowder Green and Wuyuan Black in particular.

      Masala chai, too, has a pretty strong flavor and is delicious.

      There are a lot of teas out there – hope you find one that works for you!

      (If anyone has some tea-related puns, by the way, feel free to share. I still haven’t come up with a good username.)

    19. TheLiz*

      I can second chai and roiboos/redbush as being really strong, flavourful teas. I also like flavoured teas such as rosebud or jasmine green.

    20. Loopy*

      I’m surprised no one has suggested chai tea (not the chai tea lattes often found in coffee shops but the actual tea). It’s the only tea I’ll drink in the morning. Just me? I find it to be strong/flavorful!

      1. Margo the Destroyer*

        David’s Teas always has tea samplers on sale, esp after a holiday.

        These are loose leaf though which are much better. I am partial to light white teas with floral or citrus flavors.

        1. Margo the Destroyer*

          Also, a good way to sample is to go to a tea room for an afternoon tea. Several around here offer several blends with the tiered food trays.

    21. misspiggy*

      Russian Caravan packs a lovely punch. Assam can be fantastic, but choose your brands carefully – Taylor’s of Harrogate is the best IMO, and although they’re pricey you can get several cups out of one bag.

    22. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The best I’ve ever had is Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice tea… if you like cinnamon. It’s a black tea.

      Pricey, but really good.

      Unfortunately, I’ve become increasingly caffeine sensitive so I have to be very careful. but I love tea. Luckily for me, I like herbal tea as well, especially ones with lemon and ginger.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        You can actually get the H&S Cinnamon on Amazon. $10 for 50 bags, which is not bad at all. I just sent some to a friend :)

        If you like spicy teas, try David’s Super Ginger. It’s caffeine free.

    23. Engineering consultant*

      Try Assam or Ceylon teas. A lot of the black tea found in your average supermarket is… of poor quality, to say the least. And then the rest of the teas are primarily herbal teas with little to no caffeine content, so maybe that’s why you perceive them as weak.

      If you’re in the US, it’s not going to be easy to find a good selection of un-blended teas unless you live near an urban area that also has a lot of Asian immigrants. I’ve found the best teas from tea shops that source teas from Asia – China, India, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, etc. where tea is treated like fine wines, not two buck chuck

      1. selenejmr*

        I live in Michigan, but I’m close to Michigan State University so I’m hoping that one of the shops near it will have some good stuff.

    24. Kathenus*

      Tazo has a sweet cinnamon spice tea I really like. Strong cinnamon and anise flavors, if you like those tastes.

    25. -*

      Assam is a good strong-flavoured tea, similar to an English Breakfast. It’s sometimes described as having a ‘malty’ taste but I just think it tastes like a strong tea!

    26. Elan Morin Tedronai*

      Earl Grey and Oolong seem to be a common theme here, and I agree. In addition, I can recommend lapsang souchong, iron buddha (tie guan yin) or pu’er tea. You can also try rooiboos.

      Generally, most black teas will give you a pretty robust flavour and they also seem to be the most forgiving when you overbrew them. I’d avoid green teas because they’re not as robust, and white because they’re far too delicate.

  9. Life is Good*

    Anyone done the Stonehenge tour? How about Kent/White Cliffs of Dover? We will be in London for a few days in July and need suggestions for things to do that we shouldn’t miss. We’ll be there on weekdays. We have a BritRail Pass good for 8 travel days for the month. Thanks for any suggestions.

    1. Book Lover*

      London in and of itself has a lot to do. A train to Stonehenge is a couple of hours each way not counting getting to the station and waiting around and so on. Dover is a bit closer, but still, a lot of time traveling rather than just enjoying being where you are. Not that it isn’t worth it, but just a comment.
      If you want to get out of London and don’t mind the travel time, there is also York.

      But I would suggest you just stick with London if you haven’t been many times and haven’t already ‘seen everything’ – botanical gardens, national gallery, National history museum, British museum and so on.

      1. Book Lover*

        My memory failed me. Stonehenge and Dover are both about the same amount of time by train. Bit over two hours.

      2. Life is Good*

        Thank you for the info! We are also traveling in Scotland two weeks prior to visiting London and have plans to visit Liverpool (Beatles fans) on our way to London. You are right about taking pretty much a whole day to do just one thing, though. We had planned to do “local” sightseeing and we will definitely check out the stuff you suggest – right down our alley, but wondered if those other two were too “touristy” to be enjoyable.

        1. Akcipitrokulo*

          If you’re in Glasgow… look up tchai ovna teashop! Also Burrel collection and Kelvingrove museun/ art gallery and Museum of Modern Art are good!

          The Isle of Arran is definitely worth visiting too.

          And if travelling between london and Scotland, sleeper trains are fun :)

          1. Life is Good*

            We will be in Glasgow for a couple of days! We will check out that tea shop, for sure. My husband loves good tea. Thanks for the suggestion.

            1. Life is Good*

              Also, love to visit museums of modern art wherever we go. Will definitely check that one out.

          2. Tau*

            Seconding Tchai Ovna, I moved away from Glasgow years ago and I still miss it. :( Also seconding Isle of Arran, which I’ve heard called Scotland in miniature.

            Loch Lomond is also pretty and very reachable from Glasgow (it’s actually a really nice cycle ride, but that’s probably more for residents – there’s a train if you don’t have the time or inclination.) And although I didn’t do much sightseeing in Glasgow, I found St. Mungo’s Cathedral and the Necropolis pretty cool.

            1. Akcipitrokulo*

              they had to change their entrance because of developers :( After taking the bit beside the river, they said that the porch was trespassing, so new entrance is just down from bookshop. Still awesome though!

          3. Glasgow-Based Anon*

            The Burrell is currently closed and will be for a few years. Slight correction that doesn’t matter too much, but it’s the Gallery of Modern Art, not the Museum of Modern Art. Don’t want you flicking fruitlessly through your guidebook ;) The Lighthouse has an excellent viewing platform, so I’d recommend that. As for London, I’d definitely agree that if you only have a few days it’s not really worth travelling outside the city. The British Museum alone could eat up a few days.

    2. Tess McGill*

      Go to Bath! You’ll love it! I know Stonehenge is on everyone’s bucket list, but I found it so underwhelming … all six times I saw it (we lived 13 miles from it away for two years and everyone who came to visit wanted to see it, so off we went! Excellent gift shop, however.) If you do the Stonehenge tour it will probably include Old Sarum and Salisbury. Don’t miss the Cathedral. How about a day in Oxford … wonderful city! Head to Seven Sisters in Sussex for a really spectacular view of the cliffs. There is a ton to see in London, however. I used to lead off-the-beaten path photo tours in the city, two Tuesdays a month. The Cotswolds are lovely but once you get there by train you really need a car to see the villages. Do you like castles? Cathedrals? Grand homes?

      1. Tess McGill*

        London Waterloo to Salisbury is about an hour and 22 minutes to an hour and 30 minutes, depending on if you skip stations at Grateley, Whitchurch and Woking. Easy train ride, no changes. Trains run twice an hour. From there you can pick up the bus tour to Stonehenge.

      2. Life is Good*

        We do want to tour the Salisbury Cathedral if only to see the Magna Carta copy there! We think we may get our fill of castles in Scotland. Love cathedrals. Notre Dame was magnificent, but kinda touristy.

        1. Tess McGill*

          The cathedral is wonderful. Salisbury is my favorite “exterior” but Exeter Cathedral is my favorite interior. I also love Wells, Durham, Ely, Lincoln and Winchester cathedrals. Exeter has the most ornate “cathedra” (seat for the bishop) I’ve ever seen. The Minster in York is also spectacular.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          British Library has a copy I believe of the Magna Carta, but they also have originals of the Beatles lyrics/songwriting – in the same room even (treasures of the british library gallery), along with a Gutenberg Bible and a lot of other cool stuff. Free entrance – its next to St Pancras/Kings X area.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            The British Library is one of the most wonderful places on earth. I’d love to be given leave to paw through all their treasures. Did you know they have a lock of Lord Byron’s hair? They do. :)

              1. Elizabeth West*

                Their exhibits are cool. Last visit, I was there to do actual research, so I got a reader pass. It’s expired but I refuse to take it out of my wallet. Nerd cred, ya know. ;)

              2. Bagpuss*

                Yes, the ‘Treasures of the British Library’ exhibition is free and includes their copy of Magna Carta, a Gutenberg Bible, manuscripts including the Beatles, Jane Austen, Leonardo da Vinci, Ada Lovelace, plus things like a first folio Shakespeare and lots of stunning illuminated manuscripts including many which are non-european.
                It looks as though they have a free exhibition of Ethiopian manuscripts which will be on during July.

                I personally would pick Westminster Abbey over St Paul’s Cathedral, if you don’t have time for both.
                If you do go to Bath, consider staying overnight. Queues for the Roman Baths get very long, but if you can be there first thing before the coach parties arrive they will be shorter.

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We’ll be spending two nights in Bath when we go for my birthday trip at the end of May. I visited on a day trip from London when I was 15, but looking SO forward to really exploring and enjoying that city.

        1. Tess McGill*

          I loved Bath SO much, especially the Christmas market. It is the BEST city to wander around in. Wander all the way up to The Circus and The Royal Crescent. Tour the Roman baths and Bath Abbey. If you have time, go to the Thermae Bath Spa. There’s also the fashion museum, the Jane Austen Centre, the Victoria Art Gallery and The Holburne Museum. You can do something different like taking an architectural tour or walk the Bath Skyline Walk. Everyone goes to the Pump Room for tea … why not try The Royal Crescent Hotel & Spa for tea? Or the Bath Priory (a cozy country house)? The best place for a Bath Bun is Hands Georgian Tearooms (Sally Lunn’s will be PACKED with tourists, but if you love Blue Willow china, you’d better stop in). There’s also No15 Great Pulteney (amazing presentation) and The Regency Tea Room (Jane Austen fans) and the lounge at The Gainsborough Bath Spa (amazing service). If you have the ability, go see Bradford-on-Avon, just 8 miles southeast of Bath. The tiny village is commonly nicknamed “Little Bath”. The architecture is similar, but the town is less touristy. One of the oldest surviving Norman churches in England is there as well. It’s gorgeous! Enjoy and happy birthday!

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Thank you for the recs! Many of these are already on my agenda. I booked my birthday dinner at the Royal Crescent because I AM FANCY (and it came highly recommended by some friends), but I hadn’t considered the Priory for tea (just dinner, Dower House won out). My partner and I are definitely wanderers, so I’m pleased for the confirmation that I made a good choice. And I will be dragging him to the Jane Austen Centre, and if he doesn’t like it, he can play Pokemon for an hour and leave me to it.

            1. Bagpuss*

              If you go to Bradford on Avon go to the Bridge tea rooms. It’s in a lovely old cottage dating to the start of the 16th C and is full of Victorian kitsch, and they do amazing teas. I’d take it over either Sally Lunns or other places in Bath!

          2. Life is Good*

            Tess, we need you along as a tour guide! I am going to look up all of your recommendations. I guess we’ll just have to plan a longer visit next time as well!

      4. epi*

        A lot of day trips from London seem to combine Stonehenge and Bath. I preferred Bath and that was the reason I didn’t go on my last trip to London– I didn’t see an affordable way without revisiting Stonehenge. (I was joining my husband at the end of a business trip so we were flying by the seat of our pants.) The day trips combining them can be great though if you’ve never done either one before.

      6. Tau*

        I also found Stonehenge pretty underwhelming, although that may have to do with the fact that we had a terrible time getting there and ended up arriving after the ticket shop had closed so we could only look at it from outside the fence. As far as Stone Age remnants go, I actually found the Orkney Isles more imposing – Ring of Brodgar, Standing Stones of Stenneess, Skara Brae, and I passed through when there was an active excavation at the Ness of Brodgar and got to watch the archaeologists at work. Of course, in order to visit those places you first have to get to the Orkney Isles, which is something of a feat.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          It is indeed real – I have also been there. The water color is GORGEOUS and so beautiful -the cliffside walks were amazing. Actually learned to surf over in that area too. Its a pain to get to and you need a car and knowledge of driving in one-lane hedgerow lanes, but yes, its down in Cornwall.

    4. Tess McGill*

      In London, don’t miss Borough Market. Go early in the morning and sample everything. (“If you didn’t see Borough Market, you didn’t see London.”) If you are a museum person please don’t miss the Victoria & Albert Museum. I am not a Museum person AT ALL and I adore the V&A. Go see St. Paul’s Cathedral and don’t miss the memorial to 28,000 American WWII service members who served in the UK in the very back of the cathedral.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Second this – you could easily start at St Pauls, walk across the Millenium Bridge to see the Tate and then head for Borough Market in late morning. The market is going to be heaving for lunch from 12.30 and if its sunny it will be practically impenetrable – the gelato place had a massive line out the door on Friday. If you would prefer to sit down in a sunny area with umbrellas (more for drinks and cheese/meat boards) – try Boro Bistro as its usually overlooked because it is tucked away under the bridge below the Barrowboy and Banker pub.

        From Borough Market, cross London Bridge and take the stairs at the north end to drop down onto the Thames Path and follow it to the Tower (about a mile or so). The giant concrete hotel monstrosity actually has a really nice (and very reasonably priced) outdoor bar area with some nice snacks on hand (small wood fired pizzas are about £7 I think, burgers etc) right under the bridge on the river. Alternatively pass through the hotel to the Dickens Inn in the Docks area, especially if you want a ‘grammable type of photo and a nice outside pub.

      2. Life is Good*

        Victoria and Albert museum is already on the list…..I love the BBC series on PBS. Obsessed, actually.

    5. Lau (UK)*

      I’m biased as all get out but Cambridge is pretty glorious this time of year, especially midweek when it’s less busy. We have colleges, botanical gardens and lots of independent shops, food and drink.

      Also, only an hour on the train from central london.

      1. Tess McGill*

        Lau (UK) can you recommend your favourites in Cambridge? We’ll be there at the end of May. We plan to see King’s College Chapel, but want to see the city as well. Can you recommend local places to see/eat? Less touristy things to see/do? I am very much looking forward to my day in Cambridge. Thanks!

        1. Buu*

          I recommend either branch of Hot Numbers coffee and the Fitzwilliam museum. Near King’s college you can go to a traditional fudge shop and watch them prepare it fresh.
          If you go punting I recommend a guided punt, it’s much safer and many will point out landmarks.
          The computer museum is good if you are at geeky it’s a little out of the way though.

        2. Cambridge Comma*

          It sounds like you have more than a day so you can probably see everything. I would include smaller colleges as well as Kings if they let you in.
          Go to Grantchester (I’d walk rather than punt, it’s not so far walking but feels like a lot of punting if you don’t have the practice). People seem to fall in the river a fair amount so decide if you’re up for that before punting yourself.
          A lot of the pubs have good food, perhaps you can find current recommendation online? Many of the restaurants in the city centre are chains so quite blah; the pubs have more character. Fitzbillies for Chelsea buns (I know they closed, but I think they opened again?)
          I have fond memories of eating at the Van of Life and the Van of Death but that’s probably just nostalgia.

      2. Short and Stout*

        Definitely seconding a midweek visit, otherwise things get very busy here and the main streets in the city centre are crowded.

        You should go punting down The Backs, even if you pay to get punted it’s pretty good value as you’re essentially getting to see the middle of Queens’, Clare, King’s, Trinity and St John’s Colleges, including the most famous sites in the city of King’s Chapel and Trinity’s Wren library.

        If you did want to punt yourself, go in the early morning or late evening when the river’s less busy: it’s actually pretty fun and a lot cheaper. There is a great little picture map you can buy from Heffer’s bookshop on Trinity Street called “Cambridge, The Backs of the Colleges” (for £3.50, so less than $5) that will tell you all you need to know to have a self-guided tour. It includes punting instructions!

        All of the colleges mentioned above have world famous choirs that you can hear for free if you’re here during university term time and go to evensong.

        Two of the university museums have recently reopened after major refurbs:

        (1) Kettle’s Yard is an art gallery in a house, giften to the university in the 1970s by a former curator at the Tate. Very special and unique, and a must-see if you like 20th Century art. Free entry, but you must get a timed ticket for the house.

        (2) The Zoology Museum is now also mostly open, and has been done out very nicely. Great for kids.

        My personal favourite is the museum in the Scott Polar Research Insititute. This covers exploration of the Artic and Antarctic, with a very moving section on Scott’s last voyage. Look out for the ceiling in the atrium!

        Hot Numbers certaintly has some of the best coffee in Cambridge, but service isn’t always especially fast and the branch opposite the Fitzwilliam is quite small if you were looking to eat in.

        Bould Brothers (opposite the Round Church) has excellent coffee too.

        Pub recs for food + drink: The Hopbine (my top pick, best beer and tastiest and best value food), Cambridge Brew House, and The Red Bull (walk to Newnham).

        Recs for just drink and cute British Pub aesthetics or location: The Maypole, St Radegund (smallest pub in Cambridge?), The Old Spring (on Jesus Green by the river, so-so food).

    6. ladyb*

      Brighton is also an easy day out from London by rail. Go to Brighton Pavilion – an Indian themed palace built for Prince George – wander round the Laines (I especially like the North Laines) for individual and quirky shops, and the to the sea front for ice cream or fish and chips.

    7. london*

      I did a day trip bus tour that included Oxford and Stonehenge. I was really happy with it. In each place the guide talked to us a bit (in Oxford we walked a bit with the tour guide), then we had a time on our own. Logistically it worked well and I didn’t have to figure out trip details.

      1. Short and Stout*

        If you do go to Oxford, don’t miss the Treasures of the Bodleian exhibition in the Weston Library. They have a 1217 Magna Carta on display, along with other wondrous things. This summer is the big Tolkien drawings exhibition too.

    8. Lady Russell's Turban*

      You know, some things are “touristy” because the are worth seeing. You can walk past the t-shirt sellers and elephant ear stalls.

      1. Life is Good*

        The crap sellers are the worst, but I guess you’re right that places worth seeing are going to be full of tourists (like us!). ;)

    9. Becky*

      I was in London for two weeks in 2016–my first time visiting. I actually did a tour bus thing that did Windsor castle (really awesome!), Stonehenge, Bath and Lacock. For me it was easier than trying to figure it all out without renting a car. With all that packed into a single day you don’t get a whole ton of time at any one place, but it does give you a nice survey visit. I enjoyed it a lot.

      Word of advice–be wary of packing your schedule too tight! I was planning on going up to the lake district for a few days but had been doing so much before I was too exhausted and ended up taking a day and a half to recuperate. My sister who was traveling with me, did go to the Lake District on her own and then up to Scotland for a bit. Then she needed a rest and couldn’t even move the morning we were supposed to be taking the train to Paris. Because I had rested up I was able to do it but she was in so much pain and was heartbroken that she couldn’t go to Paris.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I did several tours with London Walks when I was there, including Stonehenge, Oxford, Windsor, and the Inns of Court.

      I found them very well-paced, both the in-town walks and the day trips. The guides were interesting and gave a good mix of history, literary references, and pop culture.

      I enjoyed them all thoroughly.

    11. Kathenus*

      I did a day trip bus tour from London to Bath, Lacock, and Stonehenge (at sunset). Paid the extra for the tour that allows you to go up into and touch the stone circle. I thoroughly enjoyed it. If you do go to Stonehenge i think the extra money to go into the circle is well worth it. I don’t think I would have been happy with the trip if I had been back behind the rope.

      I also loved the Tower of London, as a history buff.

    12. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know if you like Harry Potter at all, but the HP Studios just outside London (and available by rail to a short shuttle) are pretty amazing to visit. I’d allow four hours there—it’s quite comprehensive.

    13. AnonEMoose*

      If you’re into Tudor history at all, Hampton Court might be worth a visit. I don’t think it’s too far out of London, and it’s supposed to be amazing. It was built by Cardinal Wolsey, and then was gifted to Henry VIII by Wolsey in an attempt (ultimately unsuccessful) to stay in Henry’s favor.

  10. Red Reader*

    In my kitchen remodel (cabinets and countertops only, no like … moving walls or replumbing/wiring or anything), I paid for a measuring/layout design service, because I’m dodgy with measuring and spatial capacity and all that jazz, so let’s get a professional in here for this nonsense, right?

    Well. The installers started on Tuesday, and it was supposed to be a two day job. So far, we have discovered:
    The measurer/designer put 81″ of floor-to-ceiling cabinets on a 72″ wall.
    15″ wide drawer cabinet in a 12″ wide space.
    48″ worth of cabinets (2×24″) in a 36″ space.
    Her design incorporated a 30″ base cabinet for my 33″ sink.
    But surprise, I had to go buy a new sink yesterday anyway because it’s too deep front-to-back to fit into the base cabinets without removing the structural support.
    Oh hey, let’s place a couple of drawers in the cabinets such that the bottom of the drawer is 6′ (yes, that’s six FEET) off the ground. (I’m 5’4″. My housemate is 4’11”. Are you frigging KIDDING me.)
    Her supply list included 2 x 96″ sections of countertop and one 74″ section. Her design plan instructed the installers to cut one 96″ section to 4-foot-whatever to fit side A of the kitchen, the other 96″ section to 74″ to fit side B (presumably because the official 74″ measured section is a little wibbly the same way a 2×4 is never actually 2×4? I dunno), and the 74″ section to two smaller sections for the two smallest bits of the counter. They cut down the two 96″ sections as directed (this was before we realized just how shitty her measuring job was) and then discovered that side B actually needed to be 76″, so we had two 74″ stretches of counter and a 76″ space.
    Above my microwave, the support unit that connects to it – she placed two 15″ cubes. Only — (a), the 15″ cubes were designed for use in bathrooms, not kitchens, so they didn’t have a way to connect to the kitchen rail system and would instead need to be fastened directly to the wall, but (b) they weren’t structurally sound enough to support the microwave anyway. And (c) the space above my microwave is only 10″ without drilling into my tile backsplash. (The installer ended up taking a 20″ tall support, which is the smallest available, and cutting it down quite nicely to customize it into the space.)

    So basically, my two-day kitchen install has now swapped out literally 15 of 19 cabinets, I had to go rage-buy a sink, and it’s not going to be done until AT LEAST the end of day six. All because this “professional” can’t operate a damn tape measure.

    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    1. Book Lover*

      Oh, no! Any recourse? At least getting fee returned, and giving polite but honest feedback?

      1. Red Reader*

        I went through Ikea, so there’s actually three companies involved — The actual product came from Ikea, the measuring lady is from a different company, and I think the installer guys are a third company who was contracted by the measuring lady’s company. They’ve been back to Ikea for swaps five times in the last three days (luckily I live like five minutes away :P ), and when I went in to get my sink yesterday I mentioned that I was in because of a measuring debacle and the saleslady was like “Oh no, that’s YOU?” :P Plus I had a chat with the kitchen sales manager while I was there, so they’re aware of the extent of the debacle. He’s going to review the whole thing and talk with the other companies involved and see what’s what from his end. I’m being very clear with everyone that I talk to that while I am pretty darn upset, I am also wanting to be conscientious about not yelling at anyone who didn’t have anything to do with the problem. (But I swear to god, if someone decides it’d be a good idea to send the measuring lady back to my house …. )

        Ikea actually gave me a gift card for the cost of the measuring service when I bought the cabinetry, as part of their standard practice – ironically, they do it that way to encourage you to use the measuring service, and I was very plain that the measuring service is not worthwhile and I’d have been better off to do it myself :P But I still haven’t paid her company half the cost of the install, so before that’s settled up, there will definitely be a come-to-Jesus about how much they’re going to discount me because of the debacle. It’s also not just me, the installer guys were telling me that out of 40 jobs their teams have worked on this year that she measured, at least 3/4 of them have been significantly messed up in similar ways (though mine has been one of the worst) and she’s apparently not allowed to do measuring anymore.

        (Disclaimer: Ikea’s kitchen product has been great, they’ve been very easy to work with on the swapping, I have my own guy in the customer resolutions department who knows me by name :P The takeaway here should not be “Don’t use Ikea for a kitchen!” Rather, “Be very careful before trusting contracted measuring people.” :P )

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Do you have cats? Cats might really appreciate a drawer 6 feet off the ground.

      1. Red Reader*

        I did comment that I could stuff the cats in there. The cat people in my house did not appreciate that idea. (I am a dog person. We have two cat people in the house, each of whom has two cats, and they’re all either totally invisible or giant pains in my butt. The cats, not the people. Mostly.)

    3. Triplestep*

      I work in the building trades as a designer, but you didn’t need me to tell you the measuring lady made some really rookie mistakes. Wow. While reading, I was expecting you to say you’d gone through a home center (Home Depot, Lowes) since I’ve heard other horror stories about ceiling heights from people who used those services. I hope the planning errors (and the costs involved) are all resolved to your satisfaction.

      On a positive note, did you know that IKEA cabinets are often rated higher in quality than some of the well-known pricier brands like KraftMaid? So there’s that, anyway!

      1. Red Reader*

        Vertically is about the only direction in which she didn’t really massively screw up! (Well, I guess aside from the misplaced drawers, which the guys were like “Uh, did you REALLY want this up here?” before the actually installed them, and we moved them to a much more useful location.)

        I did know that! I generally like Ikea’s aesthetic, but I did want to do some research on quality, since $4k in cabinetry is a far cry from a $59 bookcase, haha. I was really pleased with what I found, and it’s going to be great when it’s done. (If. No. When. WHEN. Haha.)

    4. Mimmy*

      Oh hey, let’s place a couple of drawers in the cabinets such that the bottom of the drawer is 6′ (yes, that’s six FEET) off the ground.

      Sorry, but when I read this, the Stonehenge scene in Spinal Tap came to mind (that’s the scene where the designer made it 18 inches rather than 18 feet). lol.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      It sounds so far off on almost every measurement – is it possible the tape lady mixed up your kitchen info with another house? Otherwise, it sounds like she just made up numbers instead of actually doing her job. I really hope you get a discount because that’s just bad service, she should have been gone after the second complaint of massive incompetence.

      FWIW, we just finished our major house reno, estimated to take 4-5 months total. Ground-breaking was two years ago this month. Sometimes it’s just gonna be a slog.

      1. Red Reader*

        The way I’m hearing it is, she used a laser measuring device instead of a regular measuring tape and she didn’t know how to accurately use the laser thingy. I kinda feel like, after they found out the first three sets of problems that were caused by her failure to accurately laser, they probably should have contacted the next 37 of us and been like “So our measuring lady measured your stuff with a device she didn’t understand, we’re going to redo your measurements and all that jazz.” But that didn’t happen. (Like, she did my measurements in October, I guess they figured out in December that she couldn’t laser, and when I called her up in March and went “Ok, I’m ready to get this going!” nobody said “Soooooooo maybe we should double-check those October measurements first.”)

    6. Red Reader*

      … and in continuing my week’s theme of “I laugh so I don’t cry,” I just discovered that because of a copy/paste error over a month ago, I now have to redo every single scrap of the data analysis for my entire final semester project that is due a week from Monday. (During which I also have to do two exams and ANOTHER class’s written final too.)

      1. Mananana*

        Oh, my condolences on this. I hope you have a good time-off plan after finals to recover from all of this.

        1. Red Reader*

          This is my last semester, so after this, nothing else academic until I start my next program in July! :)

  11. OLD*

    Dating thread! Talk about your woes/current dilemmas/hopes/fears here if you wish.

    Mine currently: to be honest or not to be honest about why I’m not interested in seeing someone anymore.

    Its only been a bit more than a month, and we were both happy to have it as a reasonably low key thing. But then he went and said some vaguely misogynistic/sexist things that just mentally made me nope right out of ever wanting to see him again. I’ve dialled way down on the messaging, so I’m sure he knows whats coming, but I’d like to actually end it officially rather than just slow fading/ghosting. Part of me wants to be brutally honest so he knows exactly why I dont want to see him again, but part of me would rather just keep it vague to avoid any pushback.

    Thoughts?

    Other than that, at the very least my faith that it is possible to meet people you actually click with has been restored! It only took a solid 6 months of shitty first dates and way too many bland profiles/dead end conversations to get there!

    1. Clever Name*

      I don’t think I’d tell him why, but I do think saying you don’t want to see him anymore. “I’ve had a great time, but I don’t think we’re right for each other.” Etc

        1. Indoor Cat*

          Thirding, especially since someone who seems slightly sexist can have hidden depths of serious, scary / violent misogyny, and you’ll never know until you piss that person off!

          It’s not typical, but scary stalking or harassment situations happen often enough that I’d err on the side of safety, “It’s not you, it’s me,” etc. Fighting sexism is nobel, but it’s good to pick your battles. Imo, it’s a battle worth picking if I really do value my relationship with someone and want to stay in their life, and hope they might be open to change. Alternately, it’s a battle worth picking if it seems like someone is going to be in danger if I say nothing.

          It sounds like neither is the case here, though.

    2. annakarina1*

      I last went out on a date in February, and felt depressed from online dating, so I stopped. I have kept myself busy a lot with playing bar trivia and going to kickboxing classes, so it keeps me being social and less lonely. I haven’t felt into asking anyone out, but I generally feel more confident and happier when I am doing things I am good at and meeting like-minded people.

      1. OLD*

        I feel you on this! I regularly take breaks from dating and I’ll probably be on one after I end it with this dude. I’m enjoying time alone/with my friends/taking classes right now :)

    3. Kyoko*

      I recently reconnected with an ex I dated very briefly- less than 2 months a year ago. It still didn’t work out so I’m trying to start over. I’m unfortunately very shy and introverted and bad at being myself around strangers so it’s hard. I’ve been going to meetups and tried online dating but never seem to get anywhere :/ Any advice for a shy lesbian who isn’t completely out is helpful

      1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        I’m straight, so I don’t know if the same advice applies, but for me…it was time and a lot of it. It took me 7 years on online dating before I found my person.

        I’ve also found that it is very much a numbers game. I was always so quick to write someone off based on their profile (and did so with current BF), but discovered that I often had better connections with the people I originally wrote off than the ones I didn’t. It sounds like you’re challenged by some of the social aspects of dating. I would suggest maybe practicing with friends! Role playing situations over and over can seem boring and silly, but it can help.

      2. SciDiver*

        Keep your chin up! I met my gf while we were in college, she’s also pretty introverted and not totally out (I’ve met her mother and grandparents as a “friend”). Online dating worked okay for her before we met–nothing serious but she went on some interesting dates through Tinder. Dating can be super frustrating, especially when you’re not out and have limited ways of meeting people. If you live in a city with an advocacy or discussion group for queer folks, that’s a place to find your community–connect with other queer people and have them bring you to events, even non-queer events. Friend hosts game night? Go! A couple people want to meet up for ice skating? Join them! If you’re in school there are often events or groups that will have events and resources, and they are usually 100% confidential so there’s no accidental outing. The gay club in my area did 18+ events for things like drag shows, so even if you can’t drink you can still have fun and meet people.

      3. Indoor Cat*

        My main advice is, attend LGBT-centric events and groups. You’re free to be out, and generally I’ve found people respect your wish not to out you outside the group (so, for example, not taking pictures of you that might end up online, for example). LGBT groups are pretty friendly, and even in a medium-sized city (I live in a midwestern town of about 50k, and a nearby city with a population of 101k), an LGBT organization is likely to have more than 100 people. Some will be into activism, some will be into “traditionally” gay things like drag shows or softball or kink workshops, some will be into Dungeons & Dragons or Latin American literature or knitting avant garde sweaters– which is to say, the LGBT community is as diverse as any other community.

        Even if you’re geographically stuck, I found paying to uber or lyft to attend LGBT events and meetup groups was 100% worth the price. Once I started hanging out with groups of friends where being LGBT was the norm rather than the exception, my confidence really boosted. It wasn’t even about dating, it was about feeling safe being open about this part of myself. You may meet some other wlw who are into you! You might not, but even if the only thing that happens is you make a bunch of LGBT friends, that’s still great.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I think you have very little to lose from telling him why. I mean, what’s he gonna do, break up with you? It might be a favor to the next woman he dates. The trick will be to avoid being drawn into an argument about it. You’re not opening a conversation, you’re imparting a fact. I would probably say (or text) something like, “I’ve decided me and you are not working out. I figure you deserve to know why I feel this way; it’s because you said X, Y, and Z things that were really disrespectful toward women. I’m not going to argue with you about what you said and whether you meant it that way; it made me FEEL that way and those feelings are not what I’m looking for in a relationship. I wish you the best, though.” And peace out.

      1. teclatrans*

        What’s he gonna do? Hm, stalk her? Fixate on her? Threaten her? These are things to consider, maybe even especially given the reason she wants to end it is misogynistic/sexist behaviors.

        1. Turtlewings*

          What I meant was that she doesn’t have to worry about preserving the relationship, since she’s ending it. Any time you break up with a guy, there’s the risk he’ll take it badly; I’m not sure if specifying her reasons or not will make a difference in that risk. But yeah, if she thinks calling him on his remarks would tick him off and increase the chance of him acting that way, of course don’t do it.

      2. Clever Name*

        Uhhhh. One guy I opted not to meet asked me why. He was all, “was it this deal breaker or this other deal breaker?” There were soooo many red flags. I picked one and was like “yes, it was this one deal breaker” he tried to argue with me and convince me that it wasn’t a problem (it was). He’s contacted me a few times since then, so I’ve blocked him on all platforms ive come across him on. So explaining why isn’t low-risk by any means. And really, it isn’t your job to make someone else more datable to others in the future. That’s what self help books and therapy is for.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I’ve pretty much quit dating. I’m just not motivated at all to meet someone new. I was chatting with a couple of guys online but one casually mentioned he has kids (it wasn’t in his profile or I wouldn’t have started talking with him) and the other one… eh, I just wasn’t that interested in him. I’ve pretty well resigned myself to the fact that I’ll be all Netflix and no chill for the rest of my life.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Dammit I don’t have Netflix! I’ll be no Netflix and no chill. I’ll have to take up a hobby or something ;p

    6. matcha123*

      I’m kind of trying the whole dating thing for the first time at 34. I dated two men previously, but they were both relationships that formed at work.
      Last year I met someone I felt like I hit it off with, but he ended it. I set up profiles on some sites recently and had a few dates this month. I’ve met one guy twice, but it seems like a struggle to find some common ground. I think both of us are tired from work, too. What do you guys talk about on dates? We’ve talked about our families, work, university days, movies, news…

      1. OLD*

        My best and pretty much only criteria for really being interested in someone is when the conversation flows. If a conversation feels like work then its probably not a good match. For me things I’ve talked about on good dates has flowed from work, to movies, to general philosophies about life, to random interesting things on the internet, to politics, to upbringing, to sports and all the way back to work.

        1. matcha123*

          Ok! Then maybe I’m being a little too sensitive. The two times we’ve met so far we followed dinner with more drinks. Both times we were with each other for about 4+ hours. And we both loosened up a lot after having a bit to drink, too. I don’t want to put in too much work, but I also figure it does take some effort to keep the conversation up…especially after a long day at work.

          1. Red Reader*

            4+ hours is a lot of time to be filling too, if you’re at all introverted. maybe it is if you’re not too, but I am, and I can count on one hand the number of people I can focus on for four hours without getting twitchy :)

            1. matcha123*

              I am introverted. A few months ago someone mentioned vitamins and minerals helped them with their moods, and I’ve found that since taking B vitamins almost daily, I’ve been able to tackle the soul-sucking tiredness I feel after talking with people for a long time. However, I still get pretty tired.
              I guess the good part is that I felt more drained from the large amount of alcohol we consumed.
              Changing the venue to some kind of activity should be the next thing we focus on.

    7. Resigned to my fate*

      I was jilted fairly recently because I saw someone who was not compatible for me. I was physically attracted to him and ignored the warning signs — him talking ALL about himself on the first date, not taking what I wanted to do into consideration, replying messages late (think 3 days to 1 week late). I stupidly trusted him about my mental illness, to which he belittled when he realised I had actual feelings for him (he only wanted a fling, obviously, and someone with more experience, which I didn’t have. That still hurts). This put me off dating for a while because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. I know we just weren’t a good match, but it still sucked.

      I have dated two other people who did not look like their profile picture. One of them had a nice picture of him wearing a blazer and looking really slim, but when I met him, he just came across as really frumpy (horribly ill-fitting jeans and he wore a dirty brown t-shirt) and had a beer belly. There isn’t anything wrong with having a bit of chub, but I felt deceived. Another guy was actually shorter and tubbier than his picture as well. Both weren’t interesting at all. It seems like some men think they can get a girlfriend without working on themselves first.

    8. Lady Jay*

      I’ve been experimenting (very lightly!) with online dating over the last year. I met somebody nice, and though we never got serious due to the fact that I’ll be moving away for a doctoral program this fall, we’re still friends, and I’ve enjoyed his company. Other than that, online dating is a bust. I’ve posted here about some of the weird people I’ve interacted with online, but in general, when I’m dating online, I feel as though I’m shopping at a store the day after a really big sale: the stuff left is just not that great. This is probably made worse by the fact that I’m in my 30s. The people I know who met someone online all did that in their late 20s. I have an uncomfortable feeling that by this point, many of the people I’d like to be with are already taken.

      That said, as I get older, I’d increasingly like to find somebody to marry. I’m not close with my one sibling and I’m afraid when my parents pass away (hopefully still decades away) that I’ll be alone, and without real family support. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to make that happen.

      About a year ago, I realized why in Pride & Prejudice Charlotte marries Mr. Collins. While I’m not quite to the level of settling for my own Mr. Collins yet, her choice suddenly starts making a whole lot more sense after a certain point in life.

      1. Lissa*

        I just want to say I totally get what you are saying with the last bit. The idea in our current culture seems to be that anything other than a grand, passionate love who checks all the boxes, satisfies every need is settling and terrible, but I think there’s a lot of other ways to do love/marriage. I’ve got a friend from a culture where arranged marriages are a thing and she’s thinking about it but gets a LOT of judgment about even considering it from her friends even though she’s explained it isn’t at all like it was in the past where there was little choice on the part of people marrying and women were basically property.

        1. Fiennes*

          One of the happiest marriages I know is an arranged one. They were lucky enough to have parents who (a) genuinely knew and understood their kids, and looked for a mate who would complement their personality and goals; and (b) encouraged them to spend time dating before finalizing plans, with the clear understanding that if they didn’t get on, the idea of marriage would be dropped with zero pressure or questions asked. The parents did so well that these people are not only together but genuinely devoted to each other 40 years later.

        2. OLD*

          There was a great article on the Toast called ‘Why I Want An Arranged Marriage’ which I think touches on many of the things you said on how at least modern arranged marriages are. I’ve also been binging on some old Captain Awkward posts and one of them talks about how to meet new people, and matchmaking (as in asking your friends to set you up or just be aware that you are looking to date) is (in my mind) not very different from getting your parents or relatives to ask around/find a potential person for you. Heck, even for me, as someone who has done a lot of online dating and loves/hates going through the process of looking at a bajillion profiles, I’d love to have a matchmaker where I could just tell them what I like and have them find me some candidates. All of which is to say, online dating..so hard! I wish there were more alternatives other than just relying on fate to have you meet the right person…

          1. Lindsay J*

            They do have matchmaking services. I don’t know how expensive they are, however, nor how high quality the actual matches they make are.

            One I’ve seen advertised a lot is “It’s Just Lunch” but I imagine there are more boutique ones as well.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I understand 100% too. Plus, reading the rest of your post, I feel like you could be me!

    9. Clever Name*

      I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who doesn’t really enjoy online dating. The dates I’ve been on have been fine, but the looking at profiles and swiping just really effing sucks. I’m not looking for something really serious now, but I’m not into hookups either. I’m recently divorced from a 17 year marriage with an introverted narcissist, and I’ve got a lot of emotional shit to unpack. So for now I’m starting new hobbies and going to meet ups and hoping the stars align for me one day.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I’m with those who said just say it’s been nice but I don’t think we’re compatible in the long run. A little over a month isn’t all that long. This isn’t like breaking up with someone you’ve been seeing for a year or more.

      I have not had any luck whatsoever with online dating or anything else. The last person I dated I met in an online community; two people there met and got married, as did two others in another online community. My relationship was the huge mistake. :P Never again; it’s like dating at work now.

      It’s been a long dry spell and I am ready for it to be OVER. But there is no one here, and I suspect my person is very far away. How we’ll find each other I have no clue. :\

  12. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

    Anyone else have a relative who obviously loves and care for you but just does it… badly?

    I have a much older half-sister on my dad’s side. She has bipolar disorder, and her husband is on the autism spectrum, as well as their three children. This is relevant because my sisters’s ONLY topic of conversation is neurodiversity. I WISH I was exaggerating but I’m not. She does not talk about anything else. She is a wonderful parent, and knows so much.

    But she also has trouble understanding that just because some people have difficulties, or that some people have special needs, that doesn’t mean everyone does, or that the adjustments needed are the same.

    It sounds odd, I know.

    You see, I have ADHD, diagnosed a few years ago. Since that happened, she has often told me that I should switch jobs (i love my job) or start working parttime and wondering about when ill get so burnt out ill have to quit working altogether.

    I’m now on sick leave for a few weeks and my dad let it slip to my sister. And it started again immediately. I should work less. Work somewhere else. Not work. When I get kids, I’m not going to be able to manage… etc etc etc.

    She cares. She is trying to care. She means well.
    But I’m not a child. I know my own limits. I’m well read about adhd. I’m actually extraordinarily capable. And I HATE that she treats me like I’m just one step away from breaking and that Ill come around and see everything her way. Just because she couldn’t manage something doesn’t automatically mean I wont be able to.

    Advice?

    1. Hellanon*

      Subject change when she starts in. You’re never going to get her to see that you don’t live in her world, in which 100% of the people have XYZ complicated issue, and at least while she’s in the thick of trying to care for all these folks, get her to see that you need something different from her. So when she starts, you say some variation on, “Yes, that’s a thought – now, are you watching GoT/Great British Baking Show/random sportsball team? Isn’t it great this year?” It’s essentially how I handle my parents at certain points in the conversation, and a result, I know more than I ever dreamed possible about the hopes and fears of their dog…. It works, since the ultimate point is maintaining the connection, not the topic per se.

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        True. I do want to maintain the connection. I just wish it didn’t take quite so much energy to do so.
        We can talk for two hours, and at the end, Ill realize she hasn’t even asked me how I’m doing. (Except for cases like right now, when she does the whole thing I mentioned above.) It’s like the regular ‘I’m actually fine and living my life’ stuff just doesnt fit into her world view.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I think cultivating a shared interest around which to maintain intimacy might be helpful. That way, your subject change doesn’t have to be random. Also, it will be more meaningful than a topic you only raise once or twice. Is there anything that seems like a good possibility?

        What I imagine is this: her life has been disproportionately dominated by issues around atypical neurology, so it makes sense that they dominate her thoughts. She might have seen your ADHD as something to bond over, or a way to show her concern or knowledge. That would have been validating for her. But it’s not validating for you, and you can/should say directly that it’s not the way you want to maintain your connection to her. She might not understand—but could she respect it, especially if you give her something else to talk about?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Basically, the two of you care about each other. In cases like this, I would try to find the parts I agree with. That could look like this:”Gee, Sis, you may be right. I may have to work less. But for now I want to make a go of it. So that is what I will be doing. Five or ten years from now, I may need to revisit this decision, that could be true. But for the time being this is my decision. I will keep in mind what you said and I know it comes from a caring place.”

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        We do!
        But it is difficult for me to comprehend that someone who is so smart and cares so much and understands so well that individuals have variations, and still cant see that someone can be differently able in a positive way. Not all is doom and gloom, you know?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            No doubt in my mind that it feels condescending. And I think it’s fine to say that out loud, too.

            One thing I have seen is that people who are struggling to live from one minute to the next get a plan and hold on to it for dear life. This sounds like what your sis is doing. She has a plan and she is hanging everything she has on her plan. And it’s true, people who are struggling this hard do not see that different things work for other people. Or even harder, they do not see the differences in the struggles. For example, she feels that her struggle interferes with her ability to work full time. OTH, you don’t see your concerns as interfering with a 40 hour a week job. Your sis views other people’s problems as all being a five alarm fire. Your concerns might be a three or four alarm fire to YOU. If she had your concerns on top of hers, she would probably think she had a six alarm fire going on.

            It’s hard to gauge the severity of other people’s concerns when our own concerns weigh so heavy.

            Not that this helps you much, but sometimes it’s good to have an idea of what the other person might be thinking. And I see nothing wrong with saying directly, “This feels condescending. It feels more like something a parent would say, rather than a sister. I need you to be my sis, cheer me on, give me tips about day-to-day stuff and that sort of thing [fill in with stuff she does well with]. But when it comes to health, I want to find my own path.”

            Once you have said something like this you can say something shorter the next time. “Remember, Sis, I am finding my own path on this one.”

    3. Lady Russell's Turban*

      Why not be honest? Tell her you love her but the neuro talk gets exhausting for you and you were looking forward to telling her about (whatever). When she veers back into neuro-talk, point it out.

      I had to do this with my sister who became focused on how processed food/big agro is killing us and the cause of all troubles in the world. I still need to remind her and she gets momentarily offended but it has made it better from my side at least.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        I think I would suggest trying this. I don’t have a close relative on the spectrum, but there are a fair number in my extended social circle. And almost invariably, they have told me that what works for them is to be told directly when they overstep a boundary (as your sister is doing with you).

        In a way, you might be doing her a kindness to tell her “Sis, I love you, and I want to spend time with/talk to you. When you tell me I should X, it feels condescending to me, and that is very frustrating and upsetting. Could we just talk, without you offering advice unless I ask for it?” And “Sis, I know that neurodiversity is a huge part of your life, but I do not want to talk about it as much as you do. I would like to talk to you about other things, like what else is happening in your life, and mine, or movies you’ve seen recently, or what’s good on Netflix.” Or whatever language would be normal for your family.

        Being that direct can feel really weird, especially if you were raised in a “hinting” family/culture. But most of the folks on the spectrum that I’ve meant really appreciate being told directly that X is a problem because Y, and could they do Z instead? Like I said, I don’t know if your sister is the same way, but maybe worth a try?

    4. JSPA*

      Search your mind for a subject that you could get a little preachy about (except that you’re well enough socialize not to do that). Something really harmless but really boring or mildly offputting to anyone not equally fascinated the different varieties of dietary fiber? The salutary effect of staring at individual pine needles as a meditation aid? The evolution of insect wings?). When she starts on her riff, start on yours. It’s possible you’ll just have two inane conversations at the same time. But just as likely it’ll flummox her into searching for a third topic. Even if not, she’ll at least realize that you have plenty of time to spend with your other interests (besides work). And don’t ever blame how busy you are / how much work you’re doing for your lack of Interest in her Single Topic. That just gives her an excuse to harp on you being overworked.

  13. The Other Dawn*

    My husband was just diagnosed as a diabetic and has high cholesterol. Understandably, he’s feeling a bit dazed. He’s turning 49 and I think he never thought he’d hit the point where “life” would catch up with him. He’s overweight, eats like crap a lot of the time and doesn’t exercise (although he’s got back issues like I do, and his are worse). Although he will usually eat what I cook (and I’m not good at cooking on consistent schedule…), I can’t control what he eats when I’m not around or he’s at work. He admitted there are frequent after-work-before-dinner trip stops for fast food on his way home from work; he gets home a couple hours before me and is pretty hungry during that time.

    The doctor prescribed a glucose meter and wants him to check his sugar a few times a week, and he prescribed medication for the diabetes and cholesterol. My husband has been good about taking the meds and testing his sugar. He’s also making a real effort to eat better.

    Any tips? Nutrition, support, cookbooks, etc. I got some good tips from my personal trainer as far as nutrition goes, as well as how I can best support him, but I’d love to hear from someone who is diabetic or is close to someone who is.

    (I have to say, I went shopping last night for some healthier food, and it took SO long. I was reading labels to make sure I’m buying whole grains, low sugar, etc. Also, he’s an unadventurous, picky eater, so finding veggies was tough; he’s basically carrots, corn, green beans and peas. And then I realized that all the salad stuff I bought contained romaine lettuce, which is thought to be the cause of the e coli outbreak, so that has to go back to the store today.)

    1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

      Something as little a 15 minute walk after each meal has a VERY big effect on blood sugar. I cant recall the name of the study now, but it was well sourced.

      I’m also a fan of hiding veggies. I’m not a big veggie fan, so I do my best to hide them ( I swear, my mental age must be 3 y.o.) in dishes I like. I mince carrots, and root veggies and put in tomato based sauces. Eat chicken and rice with a good tasting sauce and then put lots and lots of chopped veggies in the rice when I cook it.
      Basically, Ive noticed that I can build up the veggie rate in the dishes over time as my palette adjusts.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        Hiding vegetables is how my parents got us to eat them when we were kids. My mom put them in the spaghetti sauce, in the rice, in the meatloaf, anywhere she thought we wouldn’t notice. :)

    2. TL -*

      It sounds like he should be packing snacks and lunch at work to help with the fast food snacking.

      Exercise if he can will help just as much as dieting, even just taking a walk a few times a week.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        He takes breakfast and lunch to work, but many times he gets stuck eating lunch early; that’s the nature of shift work. Also, he works 7am to 3pm (leaves at 6am and gets home around 4:30pm), whereas I work until 5pm and get home around 5:30pm. I think he definitely needs some snacks to take with him.

    3. dillydally*

      Fiber. It takes longer to digest, and will reduce cholesterol (your body makes bile salts (to digest fiber) out of the chloresterol)

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Figure out a diet-friendly thing he’s okay to eat (e.g. turkey on whole wheat with mustard, a salad with some chicken on top) and figure out how to make that an easy thing to eat when he gets home. Low effort is important. You can work with unadventurous and picky by just sticking with a couple of things that he does like.

      For variety, you can try roast carrots. Slice, toss with a little olive oil (like a teaspoon) and sprinkle with salt and whatever seasoning goes with the rest of the meal. (Caraway is good.)

      I also recalled this book; around a group of firefighters who discovered a bunch of them had similar problems to your husband. : https://www.amazon.com/Engine-Diet-Firefighters-Save-Your-Life-Cholesterol/dp/0446506680/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1524318806&sr=8-3&keywords=firefighter+cookbook

      I don’t normally recommend swapping up home assignments, but given that he gets home early and is hungry then, he might want to take on some meal planning and prep. Nibbling on the building blocks of your healthy dinner is better than grabbing a burger.

      1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        +1 for ease.

        I find that if I have chips/cookies/etc around the house, I will immediately reach for them. I’m trying really hard to not buy those things, and instead keep pre-washed grapes and not-terrible snacks like animal crackers and granola bars around. It makes it easier for me to eat better.

    5. CatCat*

      I’m not diabetic, but I have struggled with food.

      If it’s hunger that is driving the fast food runs, I’ve found having several high protein snacks throughout the day and right before I leave work, really helps curb my own hunger and cravings. I try and eat them at specific times so even if presented treats at work that I might normally cave on, I think, “Oh, but I’m having my snack in 30 mins” or if I need to, I’ll have a snack right then.

      Things that I snack on include Babybel cheese (the little round cheese covered in wax), hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese, smoked herring (kippers), protein water (I like Protein 2O, but it’s kind of pricey, no sugar though), plain greek yogurt with protein powder mixed in (I like the whey protein from Trader Joe’s, but I don’t know how much sugar it may have in it),
      I will often pair with a veggie (usually carrots) or a piece of fruit. I don’t eat meat other than fish, but I bet lean deli slices would also be a good option.

      If it’s not just hunger, but more impulse and lack of portion control, I’ve found going to Weight Watchers meetings very helpful. I’ve found the support and accountability and the “we’re all in this together” vibe of the meeting so helpful. It just really helps to feel like you’re not alone. People are there for all their own personal reasons (health, want to look better, don’t want to feel out of control), but the common theme is we all need to improve our relationship with food, which is easier to do when you have support.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Also not a diabetic, but was worried I was headed that way, and so I’ve recently made a big shift in how I eat.

        I cut out grains and breads entirely. I did this mainly because I found that eating any kind of breads/grains, seems to trigger sugar cravings for me, and that’s where my real problem area/impulse control area is. That’s where I was really overdoing it. I still consume carbs, but more from vegetable sources – yams, parsnips, carrots, etc.

        Also, I actually think I wasn’t getting enough “good” fats before. I’ve increased the amount of fats (e.g., nuts, seeds, avocado, coconut) I’m eating on a day to day basis, and holy crap, I stay full so much longer, on way less food, and it feels like my blood sugar doesn’t spike at all (I don’t feel as “full” but I don’t get hungry for a good long while, either). And even when I get hungry, it’s not the desperate-low-blood-sugar crash where I’ll eat everything in sight as soon as I do get hungry.

        If you’ve got a food processor, you can make nut/seed bars (the recipe calls them protein bars, but I actually think “fat bars” would be a more accurate name), like from this recipe:

        https://wholenewmom.com/recipes/homemade-protein-bars/#_a5y_p=1146806

        I use dates to sweeten (chopped), instead of stevia, and I add a couple tablespoons of carob powder, and use raw cocoa butter instead of coconut oil – makes them taste kinda like brownies! Doing this also seems to make the nut butter unnecessary. And I don’t bother with the topping. You can experiment with your own preferred nuts/seeds/nut butter/oils.

        I make a big batch on the weekends, and take them to work as mid-morning snack items. They’re super filling!

    6. Life is Good*

      Check out his health insurance plan. I know mine has a diabetic/healthy eating counseling benefit that’s free.

    7. greykitty*

      Did doctor send him to ‘diabetes school’? My internist had me signed up for a course offered by the local hospital before I left his office. Covered by insurance, led by certified nutritionist and an RN. Mine was, oh, four Saturday mornings, I believe. It was sort of boot camp for type 2 diabetics. It was very helpful. Exercise (just good old walking will do, if nothing else appeals) and eating, well, moderately of just about anything, portion control, and learning which foods work best for you are key, IMO. I did learn to enjoy whole wheat bread and pasta, incorporated more fiber into my diet, all that good stuff.

      He may find as he gets his numbers under control that his appetite will start decreasing as well. One sign of uncontrolled diabetes truly is hunger – it’s not all just eating past fullness at that point.

      Just thinking – your local pharmacy, as well as the medical practice, could well have a lot of literature, suggestions and programs (many of them free or covered by insurance) available. Type 2 diabetes is pretty much epidemic in much of the world. There’s a lot of info out there for the asking – the hard thing to remember is this is a life long journey with no silver bullet/shot to fix it right now. That said, eating for diabetes is pretty much just eating healthy and exercising moderately. Please, though, if anyone suggests any ‘radical’ food plans, run it by the doctor/nutritionist so they’re in the loop.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        The doctor offered a referral to the class at the local hospital. My husband didn’t take him up on it that day, as he was pretty surprised to actually hear, “You’re diabetic.” But, yes, he does plan to call and ask now that he’s had a few days to digest it.

      2. Addy*

        You should check out One Drop. Subscription plans for blood glucose test strips that are really affordable AND come with a Certified Diabetes Educator available via chat through an app. It’s really great for people who have just been diagnosed, and the clinical outcomes are compelling (lower A1C in a short time for people who use the system).

    8. Meh*

      My father has diabetes and it was quite bad for a while (needing to do insulin injections). But he has it more under control now (just oral pills) and these were the two things that helped most:
      -Low-carb diet. He found substitutes for his favorite carbs, so he doesn’t feel deprived. I recommend shirataki noodles & rice to replace the regular and Nature’s Own makes a high-fiber low(ish)-carb bread. He tries to keep his carb consumption lower than 20g per day.
      -Recently he’s been using a constant blood sugar monitor. You stick it in your arm (and leave it there) and check your blood sugar throughout the day with a sensor. The needle is very thin so it doesn’t hurt and seeing the blood sugar all the time sort of “gamifies” it and he is able to see the real-time successes and failures.
      Good luck! It’s not fun, but it’s manageable. There will be mistakes and failures but there will be successes too. It doesn’t have to be a sentence to food misery.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My husband was a diabetic. He was pretty cooperative with the program, though.
      Just a few observations.
      They need to drink water. Soda, coffee, tea all contain water but they are not a replacement for plain water. This will help with the blood sugars and the cholesterol to a small degree. Thirst will feel like hunger, he can try a drink of water before he starts grazing to see if that helps with the grazing.

      I believe some diabetic foods are considered freebies, be sure to have one or more in the house. We never know when the munchies will hit. We’d plan the snacks.

      I don’t care for cooking myself, in part because it feels like I never stop cooking. I am always cooking something. My husband’s diet encouraged me to cook simpler. Generally speaking the more ingredients and the more steps in prep then the meal is moving the further and further away from the diet plan. This was actually a relief for me. I’d get a nice roast. make a flavorful rice like basmati rice and cook some veggies and that would be dinner. I tried to double up, so the roast and rice would last 2-3 nights and then I just had to do veggies. The beauty of doubling up is that if I worked late, it was fairly easy for him to make a meal out of stuff sitting in the fridge.

      Someone mentioned taking a short walk each day. You know, I have to say this is just excellent advice for so many reasons. It’s great advice for couples to take walks together, it helps to support the marriage/relationship. It’s quality time with each other. My husband and I would go for walks and take the dog. The dog loved this and his joy made us really smile. So a big thumbs up for walking.

    10. epi*

      Your husband should try to get a referral to a nutritionist. This is exactly the kind of situation in which it should be covered. Your insurance may offer free counseling or general information that would be helpful if your husband has to wait.

      A nutritionist will talk to your husband about his specific barriers to eating healthier, how to make incremental changes, and what healthy foods or habits he already likes that he can step up.

      My husband has been seeing one for about four months and it had made a noticeable difference in his diet, his weight, and even his mood. Where I am helpful is being supportive of him following the nutritionist’s advice, encouraging him to tell her about new barriers he notices to following the plan, and suggesting snacks and meals I like that sound like they would fit with the plan. But IMO it’s a job for a pro to come up with the plan.

      Best of luck! Lifestyle change can be a huge help in managing diabetes and delaying or preventing the need for medication later. I hope it works for your husband, he deserves help to get there.

      1. OtterB*

        Seconding the value of a nutritionist consult on his specific barriers. In my case, I got one through a weight-loss center where I was going anyway (reputable, medical-based, individualized, not of the Here’s The Plan variety) whose nutritionist did diabetes education somewhere else. If the first one he sees makes him feel incompetent or talked down to, try another. Getting advice from someone else will also help you not end up in the role of food police.

        Don’t feel like he has to make all possible changes immediately. Pick the low-hanging fruit (so to speak): identify a few major problem areas, make the changes, see how things go, identify a few more things to work on. It’s important and it needs to be worked on, but since you said his doctor wants him checking his glucose levels a couple of times a week (not a couple of times a day) it doesn’t sound like it’s medically necessary for him to do everything at once, and finding his way to a sustainable plan is so important.

        Think about glycemic impact in addition to carbs. In the end, carbs matter most, but things that are high in simple carbs tend to boost the blood sugar way up and then drop it, while things that have some protein or fat with the carb don’t have the same roller coaster effect. Think a handful of nuts or a cheese stick with the piece of fruit.

        I’ve had good results with suggestions from the “Eat This, Not That” website and cookbooks which suggest substitutions with better nutritional value. I’ve also found useful recipes on paleo and even keto websites (though since you said his cholesterol is high you’ll have to watch the fat content in keto) – you don’t have to buy the whole philosophy but they don’t use processed carbs, so can be a good starting point. I find a lot of diabetic receipes to focus too tightly on portion control (Here’s our recipe for brownies! Your serving size is a one-inch square! Yeah, no.) I personally do better with things where it’s okay to eat until I’m full.

        Seconding the suggestion above to look for shirataki pasta. Here it goes by the brand name of “Pasta Zero” and is in a refrigerator case near the tofu. Almost no flavor in itself, but makes a decent very low carb base for a meat-and-veggie sauce. The nutritionist suggested it and I’d never heard of it. She also suggested “PB2” or other brand names, which is essentially lowfat powdered peanut butter. Stirring a spoonful into oatmeal boosts the protein content without adding much fat, carbs, or calories.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I eat PB2 myself and love it; that’s a possibility for him to mix into oatmeal.

          As far as changes go, the very first thing we’re doing is to cut down on portion sizes. That in itself will likely result in a few pounds lost. I also switched to whole grain bread. We don’t eat a ton of bread anyway, but at least this will be better than white bread. I also bought some stuff to make salads. He already started all this on his own this week by having salad for lunch at work with a little protein on top; however, I need to encourage him to add more protein to the salad–he said he added about two tablespoons of chicken, which explains why he was hungry quickly!

    11. neverjaunty*

      He should be the one picking out the healthy food he wants to eat – not you having to play Guess the Vegetable. Not only is it unfair to you, it’s important healthwise for him to be aware of and making good decisions about managing his diabetes.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        This was only my first run to the store, and he was working until midnight last night. The plan going forward is to have him go with me once or twice to figure out what he wants.

        1. neverjaunty*

          This is a good plan! I’m sorry if that came across as criticism. Having BTDT, it’ll save a lot of grief for both of you to have him manage his diet rather than having you bear a chunk of the load.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            That’s OK! I definitely don’t want to have to manage his diet for him; however, doing at least some of it will help me, too. I’m supposed to be eating high protein-low card (gastric bypass) and I’ve gotten away from that. But yeah, he needs to take responsibility, which he seems to be doing.

    12. Margo the Destroyer*

      I have found that cooking more on the weekend and then freezing food for the week really helps. Your husband gets home 1st, so he could pop that nights prepared meal in the oven for you.

      Also helpful is using my stores click list so I am not tempted to go in and buy a bunch of crap as I am shopping. If I go in, I will always pass the entemanns section and want donuts. You can buy and put together healthy snacks to pack for on the way home.

    13. Kuododi*

      When I was first diagnosed, I went on the American Diabetic Association website for the start up information. They have good general information about nutritional management as a diabetic. I am also working with my endocrinologist and insurance to get a referral to a good thorough diabetic education course. If that isn’t an option through insurance, MD or local hospital, check your YMCA. I know the ones in my area offer nutrition classes for a nominal fee on top of the monthly registration. Enjoy!!!!best wishes!!!

    14. LilySparrow*

      Look up resources for the DASH diet. It’s very flexible and easy to follow – was developed to lower blood pressure, but has side benefits for weight management and diabetic control.
      It has one of the best long-term compliance rates, because it’s not super restrictive and focused on whole, simple foods.
      The National Heart, Lung & Blood Institute has free recipe booklets you can download. I’ve been making the “family meals” one, and even the picky kids seem to like them.

      Google “Keep the beat recipes NHLBI” and you should find it easily.

    15. JSPA*

      The romaine lettuce thing reminded me that lettuce (especially romaine) is actually a perfectly good cooked green. I suppose the amount of cooking needed to kill off salmonella might be a little too much for your standard salad mix but if you’re going to toss it out anyway give it a try. Dose it with some vinegar, Touch of olive oil, salt, pepper. Caraway if that sounds nice. Served hot or from the fridge. I find I eat a lot more greens if I keep a cooked lettuce “salad,” a fresh-but- wilted arugula and baby greens salad, a simple cucumber salad and a green bean salad in the fridge. Of those the bean salad is the fastest thanks to the microwave in bag green beans: zap, rough cut, dressing, chill. The cucumber salad, due to 5 minutes of cutting cucumber, takes longest. Those four are all fridge stable for ~4 days. Tomato salads, 1 to 2 days for best texture and flavor.

  14. Flinty*

    How do you feel about seeing your in-laws? We live about 20 minutes away from my husband’s parents, have been married for 2 years, together for 9, and have no kids. I think they’d like to see us every week, but we currently see them 1-2 times per month. They’re nice people, but I just find it incredibly…boring. It’s just pure small talk, like seeing a relative you barely know, except we see them what feels like all the time! I feel bad, because I know some people have nightmarish in-laws, but seeing them really feels like a chore to me. It’s not torture, but it’s a boring and unpleasant thing to do regularly. Luckily, my husband doesn’t want to see them every week either, at least not together, but I just feel bad that they send us 3-4 emails per week and invite us to stuff all the time and I’m just not into it.

    Is this normal? Are there strategies for developing more affection for your in-laws?

    1. Ali G*

      That would be annoying. Once a week is too much. Do you even see your good friends once a week? Seriously, no.
      Can you try to set up a regular day each month that you know you have plans with them? Maybe if they know they are on your schedule and don’t have to ask the next time they will see you, they will back off a bit.

      1. Flinty*

        I think this would be awesome if it were just my husband’s parents and us in the area. One set of his grandparents is also here though, and so between the 4 of them, there’s already a holiday (they’re Jewish, lots of holidays!) or birthday already once a month and I’m not really sure I want to add another monthly visit on top of that.

        But I do like the idea of my husband having a monthly date with them, minus me :) I’ll suggest that to him!

    2. Blue Eagle*

      It’s especially bad when your in-laws consistently talk about people who only they and your spouse know and never ask you anything about yourself (i.e. how work is going, how your hobbies are going, etc). My MIL is the best clothing giver (always gives me clothing to my taste) and never interferes in our marriage and is so sweet. But I’m glad that my spouse is good with visiting once a week after work so I don’t have to go along and we don’t usually visit more than once a month.

    3. mountainhighenough*

      I’ve got two sets 0f in laws- and my advice is set up activities. When we visit set 1, there is a chore list that the men handle together (rewiring outlets, installing new hoses on dryer, putting in new light fixture), during which my mil and I will make ice tea, talk about books, set up lunch). Or set up game night, play cards or rummikub. Or meet up a restaurants you’d like to try. You want a purposeful visit, one where you are sharing activities and interests, not just siiting and watching each other.

      1. Flinty*

        I think this is part of the problem – we don’t have any activities in common really, except eating! My in-laws don’t like games, they never want to just watch a movie, and they do go on walks, but my MIL is literally the slowest walker I’ve ever met and the small talk + slow walking kills me.

        But yeah, maybe I’ll try to get us to go out to eat more, which I know they do actually like!

        1. Temperance*

          This is good advice. Honestly, your ILs sound a bit like mine. I love my MIL – she’s actually a lot of fun and is honestly always down to try new things, go places, etc. HOWEVER, her parents live with her, and she was trained from childhood to put them first, so we end up doing what they want on visits, which is sitting around, being bored, and helping with chores.

      2. Book Lover*

        Yes, I was going to say this. Go to the movies and then dinner after so you can talk about the movie. Go to a park, gardens, zoo, whatever.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Scheduled fun is not always fun.
      Keep it at 1-2 times per month. It takes time to find things in common. And sometimes life happens and you suddenly find you share things that you did not share before.
      What kinds of stuff are they inviting you to do? Perhaps you could do one of those activities instead of your regular visits. I have gotten sucked into doing more stuff this way. It’s good to stretch ourselves and it’s good to see things that are different from our norm.
      It could be that this is what there is and it will not change. Maybe you can tell yourself that boring is better than fighting? Or maybe you can set time limits, so you have a set time that you stay. Perhaps plan a treat for yourselves after the visit. Perhaps you can invite them to something you guys actually like doing.

    5. Temperance*

      We live 2.5 hours from my MIL and her parents, and about 3.5 hours from my FIL. My MIL and her parents more or less demanded monthly visits a few years ago (after we told them biweekly and spending “at least” a week of Booth’s PTO up there with them wasn’t going to happen). We see them roughly quarterly, which works for our very busy schedule.

      It was really hard to negotiate, because spending time with my husband’s grandparents is super dull. They don’t have any hobbies or interests besides church, which I don’t care about. (Also, well, they’re Catholic and speak about non-Catholics like we’re trash, so it’s a sore subject.)

    6. Parenthetically*

      Well… first impulse is to go beyond small talk. Ask questions that will encourage intimacy. Ask them to tell you stories about your husband as a child, or about their favorite memories of XYZ. Ask their opinions about things. Cultivate curiosity about them — I find curiosity stimulates affection.

      Good luck!

    7. Blue_eyes*

      I think 1-2 times per month is fine. They’re nice but boring – you should continue to be polite to them and see them occasionally, but you’re not obligated to spend lots of your free time with them if it’s not enjoyable for you. Also feel free to send just your husband to see his parents sometimes while you get some alone time or see friends.

      My husband and I, his parents, and his sister all live within a 10 minute walk of each other. We often see each other multiple times per week (not always all 5 of us together), but we enjoy each other’s company and my in-laws invite us to a lot of plays and concerts so we usually have an activity to do. But we will also get dinner with them last minute at least 2-3 times per month. Every family is different though, and you don’t need to hang out with your in-laws more than you are currently.

    8. Loopy*

      So I have a future mother in law that I adore, we chat easily and I often go see her even without my S/O. That being said, I still don’t feel inclined to see her every week. Usually I will go once every three weeks. So 1-2 times a month is fine and I wouldn’t force yourself to do more.

      There’s only so much time we all have! If I’m only seeing someone I truly get along brilliantly with that often, I’d think more often is just… too much.

    9. Lcsa99*

      I guess I’ve been lucky. My own parents would be the crazy annoying in-laws, but they live across the country so we never see them. My husband’s parents are great. When we were first dating he would see them alone once a month, and once we got married it changed to every three months or so, mostly on holidays. They still talk on the phone once a week or so, and that seems to be enough. They are also great conversationalists, so we never have to worry about what to say. I guess the time between visits helps, too.

      I have a feeling your in laws just miss their son, and that’s why they try to get together with you so often. It also seems (at least from the outside) that it’s probably a good thing they want to include you, rather than making you feel like an interloper. I don’t really have any suggestions on how you might make it a little less boring. Less visits might help, but maybe you just need to plan something to do during their visits. See a show or even do a board game. Anything to give you something to talk about.

    10. It’s all good*

      The only thing my FIL likes to talk about is what he has eaten since we last saw him and updates on people we don’t know. He shows us pictures of food. He never engages his grandkids during visits, never calls between visits to talk to them or see how they are doing. Practically ignores the kids during visits, His new wife just complains about him. Usually only see them during holidays even though they an hour away. It’s sad. And boring. No advice, it’s been this way for decades.

    11. MeMeM*

      You’ll probably start liking them more over time, but until then maybe you could get a hobby like knitting, crocheting or needlepoint. These are all hobbies that people have more or less accepted as “okay” to do in the presence of others without sending them “you’re boring” message – they can be pretty mindless to do, but they give you something to do with your hands and you have a finished project when you’re done. Its possible that your mil either does one or more of them, or would enjoy doing it with you, too, giving you a shared enjoyment. If you live somewhere where you wouldnt wear knitted items, you can knit smaller quick items like hats for chemo patients, or Knitted Knockers for mastectomy patients.

  15. The RO-Cat*

    Yesterday’s talk of cemeteries reminded me that here we have a small town with a “Merry Cemetery” (literal translation from my language). Each and every headstone features a highlight of the deceseased’s life in funy rhymes. Lots of tourist tours include it, even though it’s way up in the north. The link in my user name leads to its Wikipedia Page. Happy reading!

    4. Kuododi*

      That is just delightful!!! I will have to add this to my “bucket list.” ;) Blessings!!!

  16. mountainhighenough*

    Preparing kids for college -what do you wish you had done in high school, wish your parents had done – what do you feel you missed out on?

    1. Julianne*

      I wish I’d gotten more guidance about planning for after college before college. Growing up, I never really fantasized about having a particular career; I knew the kinds of things I liked doing and came to realize my own strengths, but I never really thought about how those things might translate into what kind of work I would do after college. My excellent public high school did not have an excellent guidance department – the student to counselor ratio was, like, 900:1, and the first time I ever met my counselor was the spring of my junior year for the required “are you on track to graduate” meeting – and I feel like the entire community’s attitude was “Of course you’ll attend a four year college, and therefore you will be employable when you graduate.” I wish someone (my parents, a teacher, a counselor, anyone) would have said, “So you like X and Y and you’re good at A and B, let’s talk about how that might translate into careers.” That wasn’t something I even knew to ask for guidance about.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        This. Especially in high school, you don’t know much about the full range of careers out there. There’s so much more than the careers most kids say they want – doctor, lawyer, teacher, firefighter, singer, basketball player, etc. – but it’s hard to find out about other careers because they’re often not visible to people outside of their specific industries. There could be so much more done with high school students to look at their interests, personal qualities, and skills to suggest possible careers.

        Part of the reason I became a teacher was because I knew what a teacher was and more or less understood the job (and I always loved school and learning). But I wasn’t actually well suited to teaching, and I wish I had figured that out sooner. I was always good at school, and was competent in a wide range of disciplines and skills, but I never had one area that really stood out (which might have suggested a career direction). In high school and college I loved stage managing but never wanted to make that a career because of the instability of working in professional theater. Now I have a job that I love that uses many of the same skills as stage managing – I’m the chief of staff and house manager in a private home (my job is basically Carson from Downton Abbey). Being competent at a wide range of things, but not an expert at anything actually works really well for my job, but I never knew this kind of job existed until I sort of lucked into it.

        1. Red Reader*

          I have referred to myself as our house manager before (my household is me, my husband, and two housemates, and I’m the landlord and the one who handles the majority of the day-to-day operations), but I would love to hear more about what one does as a professional house manager, as opposed to my version which is basically the equivalent of everyone’s mom. :P (Do you buttle? /Tim Curry )

          1. Blue_eyes*

            As a professional house manager I pretty much do all the things you do to take care of your own house and life, but I get paid for it. Some of my duties include: schedule all maintenance for heating and cooling and other systems in the house, order supplies and groceries, delegate tasks to the housekeepers and other staff, make medical and other appointments for the family, sign kids up for after school activities, make a schedule of how each kid is getting to school and activities, open mail, pay bills, make travel arrangements, organize and supervise construction and repairs.

            I really enjoy it. I get to have a hand in lots of different kinds of tasks and learn how to handle just about any situation that comes up.

            2. Red Reader*

              That sounds like so much fun. I mean, not to minimize the fact that it’s work, but. :) If you take up AAM’s interest expressed below, I’d love to hear more about it and how you ended up there :)

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        This. The library I work at has something called the Career Cruising database. It has a career matchmaker and comprehensive information about what type of education is needed for each career you are matched with (i.e. what you need to major in). I SO wish I had this when I went to college (before there were databases like this). I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do and just sort of took my best guess as far as choosing a major. Granted, I might not have taken the suggestions seriously and very well could have floundered around in college anyway, but it might have been a big help.

        Shameless plug: Anyone going to college should visit their local library and see what they have to offer as far as learning about career paths and how that would affect what they study in college.

      3. StrikingFalcon*

        And not just strengths and weakness, but what do you want your life to look like when you graduate? A lot of travel for work? Exactly 40 hours and then you leave work at work? Any busy metropolis? A specific town? There are careers that can be pursued anywhere, but there are also ones that are limited to only one place in the world. Having an idea of this stuff helps a lot in choosing a career, and it wasn’t something I thought about before I graduated.

        Also, high school and college aren’t a series of boxes that if you check them all off perfectly you will get a good job when you graduate, which was the attitude I grew up with. They are experiences, they are time to explore, they require specific skill sets that may or may not be as important after graduating, and there are no guarantees of anything. A greater acceptance of life paths that aren’t “traditional” four year college + job would have been very healthy for me.

    2. Fiennes*

      I wish I’d taken a gap year. IMO, relatively few 18-year-olds have a powerful sense of vocation yet, and I think that for most of us that can’t develop until we have a better sense of ourselves as independent adults. So the first year or two of college gets wasted, academically speaking. In my personal case, I was fairly young and sheltered, and could’ve used a broader worldview than my small town had given me. At the time, I remember looking hungrily at booklets that could set you up with au pair positions, farm work, etc., in other countries. My parents were SO against it that I never went beyond getting that booklet…but I nearly memorized it. In retrospect I think my instincts were correct, and I’d have had a better college experience if I’d done it.

      Not every kid would want this, but I think it merits consideration by many more US families than currently take advantage of that opportunity.

      1. Melody Pond*

        +1 to this. I think if I’d taken some more time between high school and college, and specifically focused that time on doing things like traveling or working in different countries for a while – I would’ve been a lot more well-rounded by the time I got to college, I would’ve known myself better, and I would’ve wasted a lot less of my education trying to figure stuff out.

      2. Pie for Breakfast*

        Agreed that this should at least be part of a conversation about post-grad options. Looking back I should have taken a year but that just wasn’t considered in my house or high school.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I wish that I had better help with finding a career path. It was the 70s, what can I say. Even on into the late 80s I heard, “You are a woman, you can be a nurse, a teacher or a secretary.” I think the adults around me could have done a better job of career guidance than the counselors at school. It did not help that there were well over a thousand books to look at. I wasn’t even sure where to begin and I wasted a lot of time with bad guesses. Finally I settled on something that turned out to be too long a haul. My immediate situation was not good and I ended up not doing the long haul. Practical advice would have suited me, how to get something that I could use for employment within a year or two of graduating.

      1. fposte*

        I remember in second grade that we had to write what we wanted to be when we grew up. And this would have been just at the end of the 1960s, and I remember all the girls wrote nurse or teacher, and I thought surely there had to be other possibilities–but I couldn’t think of any.

        On the bright side, most of us found a lot more variety in our actual choices and fields than we anticipated when we were seven.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I always got a kick out of that survey. They surveyed us each year for a few years. What do you want to be when you grow up? I said, tell me what my options are first, I am six years old how would I know?
          I ended up copying off the paper of the person next to me. One year I wanted to be a firefighter and the next year a teacher and so on.
          Decades later I was telling a family member who was a teacher and the response was “No, kids don’t do that!” Ha! Kids learn very early just put something down on the form and hand it in.

          1. Tau*

            I am pretty sure that my answers to “what do you want to do when you grow up?” went, in order:

            – mathematician, because it’s what my mother is
            – astronomer, because stars are cool
            – entomologist, because insects are cool and you need lots of maths to be an astronomer (the irony of this will become apparent in a few lines)
            – botanist, because plants are cool
            – …mathematician again, because I like maths and am good at it. (And it’s cool.)

            and that’s where it stayed until halfway through my PhD.

            In retrospect the fact that I didn’t seem to realise professions other than some brand of scientist existed is rather funny. (And says a lot about my family.)

    4. Temperance*

      I honestly wish that I had the ability to meet with adults with “professional” careers prior to college. I was the first in my family to go, and my parents pushed me to become a local newspaper reporter. (I did not.) I didn’t really understand how businesses worked.

      I also see how very privileged parents prepare their kids for college, with shadowing, internships, etc., and I wish I could have had that sort of experience.

    5. Anono-me*

      I’m seconding the wish for more practical career planning.

      I found it helpful to take two general requirement classes at a local community college between graduating high school and starting college. It made the transition much easier and I took two classes the required lots of reading and memorization. Usually in the less luxurious dorms, single rooms are not much more than doubles.

      I’m not a big fan of shared bedroom dorm rooms. All you know about the other person is that s/he is the same gender and is going to the same college or university. I know people who were assaulted by a guy the roommate brought home, or someone seeking drugs because the roommate was known for having a large amount, people whose roommates stole, and people whose roommates never did laundry.

      My parents and I took a good self defense class before going away to college. I think it was a good idea.

      1. Anono-me*

        Sorry for the bad paragraph break. The line about single vs double dorm costs should be with the reasons why I think that single rooms are better.

    6. CBE*

      The practical stuff! When my oldest went off to college, there were 6 girls in her suite. My daughter was the ONLY one who knew how to do laundry. She taught lessons to her roommates, and word spread that she could teach you, and she ended up teaching half the dorm.
      Boggled my mind because I make my teens do their own laundry, and thought that was common. My kids learned as soon as they were tall enough to reach down into our top loading washer!
      But I know lots of kids struggle with grocery shopping, bill paying, time management, etc.

    7. Buu*

      If they are managing their workload, encourage them to take on a part time job or work experience. They can develop work experience and build up their resume ready for any college work they want to take on. Don’t pressure them even the odd casual summer work is helpful. I had a hard time getting work in college as I’d done no Summer jobs when younger, when I graduated the lack of even a student job badly impacted me.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Yes. As someone who works with adult job seekers all the time, I can say that this is so, so important.

    8. Cedrus Libani*

      If I could send a care package to my 14-year-old self, it would contain everything that Cal Newport has ever written. Especially if the kid has any interest in applying to highly selective colleges; his advice is by far the most accurate of anything I’ve seen on the subject. Don’t be well-rounded, pick something and do it well.

      I decided, at age 5, exactly what I was going to be when I grew up – and did it. But I basically had to figure the college thing out for myself, and I got a ton of bad advice.

      I remember making a spreadsheet of various activities, trying to ensure that I was “well-rounded”. That lasted a semester. I am NOT well-rounded in the least – I’m aggressively terrible at sports, music, and arts. But I’m hard-wired for science. So I gave up on the extra fluff, and did science as hard as I could. This was scary; some of the adults around me were convinced I was committing career suicide, since I’d never get into a decent school with my terrible resume. Fortunately for me, the “failed simulation effect” (Cal Newport’s term) kicked in just in time, and I got a bunch of international level recognition for my work. I went to MIT as a “silver bullet” recruit (they used to have a special program for the top few dozen admits, though they’ve stopped doing this, as it’s really not in keeping with the philosophy of the school). There were super-geniuses in that group; I’m not one, I swear, I was just doing my thing.

    9. matcha123*

      I wish I had known about what types of careers were available. My parent and most of my friends parents fell into two job types: public service (teacher, social worker, activist) or professional (university professor, doctor, lawyer). I had no idea what people in other white collar jobs did. Even now I don’t know and I’m starting to ask people about what they do so I can get a better idea of what I could aim for.

      I wish I could have been allowed some down time to relax from working part-time and studying for school. I felt like I was going to fail at life if I didn’t get into the university that my parent wanted me to go to. I was threatened constantly with being kicked out of the house if I didn’t get in.

      Maybe this isn’t as related to college, but in general I wish I’d been taught that my thoughts and opinions had value. I went to a suburban school and most of my classmates came from upper middle-class homes where they were taught how to argue their opinions. I was taught to sit down, shut up, and do what was told of me. That’s really held me back now that I’m an adult and I am working on correcting that line of thinking.

    10. Tipcat*

      1. Everything people have already said about career guidance.

      2. Look at the cultural fit in the colleges you are considering. For example, My family was working class and I was the first to go to college. I got a scholarship to a a school that had mostly upper-middle class kids. I never fit in and the school had no support programs for students like me. Also big/small? Sorority/fraternity culture? Party school? Football factory?

      3.Practical stuff like laundry, cooking, budgeting. “Cooking” includes meal planning, budgeting, nutrition, grocery shopping, actual cooking, and clean-up. House cleaning. Basic auto maintenance. Kids should be doing these things while at home in high school.

      4. Social skills, including but not limited to: Serious and realistic talk about alcohol, weed,and other drugs; privilege, racism, homophobia; rape culture; and peer pressure. For girls especially–social skills like boundaries, saying no, using your words, and not being a pleaser. That is, the stuff Captain Awkward talks about. For boys–I am vaguer here.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I really wish that I had gotten some psychological counseling much earlier in my life in order to deal with anxiety. I think I could have done much better academically and been better prepared for life.

    12. patti mayonnaise*

      I wish I had come to college with more social skills. As a teenager, I was shy, quiet, introverted and socially anxious. My parents reinforced these traits with messaging like “school is your job,” “don’t worry, you’ll never see these people [your classmates] again,” etc. I went to a big state school where I blended in. I did learn how to actually hold a conversation, but now that I work in higher ed, I realize all the opportunities I missed out on by keeping to myself. I didn’t talk with professors outside of class, I didn’t seek out extra help from advisors, and I kept potential friends at arms length. After some personal growth, I realize what I missed out on by not cultivating those relationships. And from a practical standpoint, as a current administrator in higher ed, I realize how many opportunities I lost by just keeping my head down and focusing on grades. College is about so much more than textbooks (although I will always love academic learning). The relationships you build there are important personally and professionally, and it’s important to put effort into them.

      1. Sylvan*

        +1

        I wish I had understood that relationships would be important later professionally. I made a ton of friends in a field that I don’t want to work in, and didn’t network where I did want to work. Why, baby Sylvan, did you do this? :/

    13. Sylvan*

      As an only child whose first roommate was also an only child, I wish I had somehow learned to get along with a roommate earlier. I had never had one for longer than a month before college. We both wanted alone time and we were both bad at compromising on things like room temperature and TV volume.

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Fellow only child here! I’m lucky that my first roommate was a sweetheart because I was so not prepared to share a tiny room with someone.

      2. Mimmy*

        I’m NOT an only child (youngest of 4) and I hated having a roommate! I’d had a single room during my freshman year; at the end of that year, a friend invited me to be roommates. Long story short, we lasted just one semester. I had a single room again second semester of my sophomore year and never looked back, lol. I just like having my own space.

    14. Loopy*

      Since everyone has already said a lot of my feelings about career prep support I’ll jump on financial aid prep.

      I wish someone had sat me down and translated loan amounts (AND INTEREST) into what that would be in monthly payments. I wish someone had then done that same for salaries in terms of take home pay….and then helped me figure out what each loan level would look like against a rough estimate of take home pay. When I got my first monthly bill with interest… I was so shocked. And I shouldn’t have been.

      Basically, when I was sat down with my financial aid package… it didn’t mean anything concrete to me. Nothing. I just wish I had an inkling of what I was signing.

      1. patti mayonnaise*

        Oh my gosh, yes. This sounds so stupid now, but I worked three part0time jobs all through school, and I never realized I could start paying back my loans before I graduated.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Yeah. What a loan costs something other than numbers. If you have a loan for $X,000, and an income of $X0,000, you can pay off your loan at the bargain price of three years of ramen and no nice things. Or you can opt to have disposable income and pay instead with fifteen years of having it hanging over your head.

        For me, its cost me about eight years of half my income. And while I make very little, I didn’t really have big loans in the first place.

        Student debt is a really big commitment.

    15. Oxford Coma*

      I wish I had been better prepared to live with a roommate. I wish I knew that not every adult is an authority figure just because they’re older.

      My roommate came from a super-strict, very religious family and went absolutely nuts with her freedom. Her parents tried to clamp down from afar and manipulate me into being her jailer, and I was nowhere near mature and self-assured enough to tell them to eff off. Her dad called every Saturday and Sunday morning at 6:00 AM to yell at her to get up and go to church, and called around dinner time every night to make sure she was back in the dorm doing her homework. It was always me answering the phone and trying to hide the fact that she constantly went out partying and slept over with guys. I wish I’d pulled the phone out of the wall instead of playing his games.

    16. Elena*

      If you have a sheltered, bookish goody-two-shoes girl prone to low self-esteem – like I was in high school – I’d do what I could to make sure she knew how to make herself look as attractive as she wanted to: her sense of style, how to care for hair, how to dress appropriately and pick out well-fitting clothes (esp. Bras!), basic makeup, eyebrow care, etc. If she doesn’t like her weight, encourage her to work towards what she would like to be.

      This doesn’t mean body-shaming, or forcing her to transform into a cheerleader or something. It requires tact. Proceed with caution.

      HOWEVER: I cannot underestimate how figuring these things out, at a quite simple level, increased my self confidence – and from there improved the kind of relationships I had with guys, how I spoke up in class and made choices, my relationships with friends…. Better all around.

      Unfortunately I only got there halfway through college, and would have liked – in retrospect – to have more support in these areas from my mom, who doesn’t emphasize these things at all – and doesn’t need to in her own life – but is a much more laid back person than me.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes, I didn’t really start feeling in charge of my appearance until my late 20’s. I always felt like my hair and clothes were something that just happened to me, or a trick I was failing to pull off.
        Knowing what really suits you, in look and feel, helps you be more comfortable in your own skin.

    17. pleaset*

      More dating. I should have spent more time on that and not been so hesitant.

      But I can’t see parents pushing me on that.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I second this. I wish I had more of a clue about social norms around dating. I really wish I knew that it was not a good thing to tell someone I loved them after dating them for eight days (!)

    18. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I kinda wish someone had warned me (and my parents) that there might be more tension between myself and my folks when I went to college- maybe that wouldn’t have helped, I don’t know! I always got along really well with my parents as a teenager, but once I went to college, it felt we started having all this conflict. Now I realize it’s a normal part of growing up and becoming independent, but it totally floored me at the time.

    19. Detached Elemental*

      I wish I knew how to budget. It took me a long time to realise that monthly bills were, in fact, not a surprise.

    20. Lora*

      What my family did wrong: I was the oldest girl-child in the extended family after my cousin died. I got to be mini-mom to a platoon of kids every holiday, birthday, reunion, weekend etc. It was Middle Of Nowhere, East Cowfk USA and my career options as far as my family was concerned were 1. teacher 2. nurse 3. some kinda artsy thing but really get your MRS degree.

      What my boarding school did right (yay scholarships):
      1. How to distribute your applications so you will get into at least 2-3 decent schools you’ll like.
      2. No study hall. You take extra classes if you have already fulfilled your requirements to the state for graduating with the state diploma. Math and AP classes were suggested first, then the headmistress would suggest something your grades reflected that you were good at, then fine arts. But she always suggested advanced math and AP classes first.
      3. We had a program in the state where you could substitute actual college classwork for high school graduation requirements, and the state would pay your tuition. You just had to pay the registrar fee, which at the time was like $25. I took college level science and advanced language classes as a high schooler. Also this gave us a notion of what real college is like. I think you had to take PSATs or something and get a certain score though.
      4. It was boarding school, so we had roommates and did laundry and all of that. They had teachers who lived in apartments near the dorms who had to mind us, but by and large we had to mind ourselves and be responsible. Your parents couldn’t just call the school when you got in trouble, if you were caught doing something bad or were late for class and not sick, it was all on you. My public school friends often got their parents to weasel them out of stuff, and they were really shocked to find out that they couldn’t just do that in college.
      5. Our social interactions were very…mmmm I guess “scripted” is the best word? Very controlled settings. You will wear XYZ clothing or be sent to your room to change. We had dance lessons, etiquette lessons on which fork to use, small talk conversation lessons, how to introduce yourself and speak to people and shake hands and so forth. This was SUPER helpful for an introvert who basically hated talking to humans ever, because it gave me a straightforward set of rules to follow.
      6. Re: well rounded, this was a thing and it basically meant you had to take at least one fine arts class series like Theater I & Theater II or Photography I & Photography II and also do either a sport or play an instrument. You didn’t have to be good at it but you had to learn enough about art and music to be able to appreciate a decent concert and understand the difference between Warrant and Steve Vai, sort of thing. You had to learn to appreciate the combination of technical mastery and strategy/inspiration that went into something great.
      7. How to use the library card catalog. I suppose the new version would be how to do a proper database search and how to write a good query? How to write a thesis paper. How to write a poem that wasn’t objectively awful.

      After boarding school, college was a piece of cake until midway through junior year – it was like a repeat of high school, except without the uniforms and chapel.

    21. Lindsay J*

      I wish that it hadn’t been treated as an absolute given that I was going to college. Like, there was never a question of it and I was never presented with an opening to even think that maybe I wanted to do something else. It wasn’t “are you planning on going to college?” it was “what colleges have you applied to?”

      There was no option for me to say, “hey, actually I’d like to take a gap year,” or “actually, I think I’d like to go to HVAC school” or “I want to work full-time for a couple years so I don’t have to take out so many loans.”

      Similarly, I wish community college had been presented as a real option for me. It was never treated like that, even though I could have gone for basically free for two years. It was basically intimated that only people who didn’t have any other choices went to community college. When really, going would have been good for me.

      I don’t know if anyone could have convinced me of it at the time, because I was pretty much burned out on schooling as it was at that point. But I wish people had encouraged me to enjoy the college experience more. I was determined to graduate as quickly as possible and get my life started. So I bypassed opportunities like interning in Washington DC, or traveling abroad, because they wouldn’t help me get my courseload done as fast as possible. I wish someone had told me that doing those things would matter more to employers, and also would probably help my life experience be more varied and enjoyable and full, than just grinding away at the max allowable credits each semester. I also wish I had been encouraged to socialize more with classmates – that someone had pointed out that joining clubs and partying and stuff like that wasn’t just fun, but it was building connections with other people that I would likely see again in my career, etc. I very much felt like college was another hurdle to leap over before my “real life” began, and that I was going to blow out of there and never see those people again. And I think that if I treated it like a bridge into life that I was going through with other people.

      Personally, I wish that I hadn’t kept a steady boyfriend though all of college. I missed out on a lot of chances for strong female friendships because I blew off my roommates to spend time with my boyfriend at the time. Who I haven’t seen or spoken to in over a decade now. And it wasn’t even like it was a conscious choice that I was blowing them off, but when they invite you to dinner but you’ve already made plans to go see your boyfriend and hang out in his dorm room, you go with the plans you’ve already made. Except that that was my plan with him every damn day. I don’t know that any adult could have convinced me otherwise, however. At the time I was convinced that he and I were meant to be and were going to be together forever. I also blew off post-graduation options like teaching English in Japan because I didn’t want to be away from him for that long.

      I wish that someone had made the student loan numbers real to me. Like, I’m not dumb. I knew how much I was borrowing per year. And I knew that I was going to have to pay it all back. But to someone who is used to having 100% of their income be disposable, knowing that, and the reality of that are two different things. And it’s like, “Okay, after I graduate, I’ll be making $40,000 a year. And sure, I have $80,000 of loans to pay back, but I have 10 years to pay them. How hard can it be?”

      But that 40,000 is before tax, and has to cover rent or a mortgage, car insurance, car payment, car repairs, cell phone, renters insurance, gasoline to get to and from work, electricity, gas, water, sewer, garbage pickup, work appropriate clothing, food for eating, things like sponges and dish soap and toilet paper, money to eat out if you’re going on dates or ever intend to see your friends, etc. And unless those loans are all subsidized, they’re more than $80,000. And sometimes it barely feels like you’re paying down the principal at all with all the interest each month. Also, I graduated directly into a recession, so that $40,000 job wound up being a pipe dream for me and most of my fellow classmates.

      I wish someone had done a budgeting exercise with me or something to make me realize how thinly I would actually be stretched with those loan payments. I also wish my parents had shared with me a little bit about our household budget growing up starting from when I was young and getting more into depth as I got older so I could see how adulthood actually worked and not my idealized view of what I would do and how I would never get myself into financial issues.

      In high school I wish people had pushed me more towards STEM fields. I was pretty nerdy. I coded my own livejournal layouts. I had a Cybiko extreme which was like an internet connected PDA with near field technology. My test scores and grades in math and science were higher than the kids actually planning on going into math and science. Yet nobody ever took me aside and said, “Hey, I know you like music and all, but instead of going to school for music ed you should think of going for computer science [or bio-engineering, or anything like that]. You can still play in community orchestras and stuff like that, and you’ll have a lot more money to buy instruments, a lot more free time, and a lot more opportunity, if you look into other career fields. You have a lot of potential in this area.” When people did try to push me away from music ed, it was towards things like being an English major. Or an Art History major. I don’t like to think that it’s because I was a girl, but looking back that’s the only reasonable thing I can think of.

      I also wish more attention had been paid to my mental health. This was more a middle school issue than a high school issue, but it was still there in high school. But when your middle school child is coming home and crying at night every night, and cutting herself, and you don’t notice, or if you do notice don’t know what to do so you do nothing instead, it’s setting her up for issues for a long time. When I say “graduated” college, I didn’t really graduate. I failed out without completing all my required courses (despite having more than enough credits) because my depression and social anxiety and ADHD were so bad I couldn’t get to class often enough in a semester to come close to passing. If it had been caught sooner (like in middle school or high school) and I had been offered treatment then I think I would have had a lot better outcome.

      Also, echoing the thoughts about knowing other careers. I still don’t know what people in most “office” type jobs actually do all day, because I’ve never been exposed to those environments. My mom is a teacher and my dad is a restaurant manager. And my career path hasn’t taken me into offices, really. So I knew about direct service positions growing up, basically. Teacher, doctor, social worker, retail clerk, food service worker, lawyer, professor, mechanic, accountant, nurse, amusement park worker, realtor, etc. If you had a more “behind the scenes” job where there weren’t signs advertising what you do, or I didn’t see you when I went to school and about my daily life, I didn’t know that your job role existed.

    22. Mimmy*

      Haven’t finished reading the thread yet but man does this make me feel better about how incredibly naive I was before, during, and after college!! Just about everything you all are talking about–career planning, social skills, practical skills–nobody prepared me really for any of it. I was fortunate that the RA was willing to teach me how to do laundry. But things like basic personal finance and cooking/meal planning are what I wish I’d learned more of back then. Maybe people tried to teach me but I was resistant–I honestly don’t remember.

      My best friend was equally socially awkward–we were practically tied at the hip. Yes it was a big help to us as she and I would’ve probably otherwise had no true friends, but in the long run, I think it was a detriment to my social skills (although I think her practical skills were better than mine).

    23. LilySparrow*

      Learning how to manage a schedule and my living space under my own direction.
      My mom was very structured with the household routine, lists, meal planning, organizing the family activities and Dr appointments, all that kind of thing. It was really overwhelming to leave that structure behind and have zero clue how to create one for myself.

  17. Ali G*

    I’m so annoyed with myself! Yesterday I rolled my ankle in a parking lot. A parking lot I was not supposed to be in because I screwed up an order and I was in the wrong shopping center. By the time I got home I couldn’t walk and I had to cancel on an event I was looking forward to today. I’m just so annoyed with myself because if I hadn’t messed up to begin with I would have never been in that lot and out of my car.
    Now we aren’t even sure if my in-laws can visit next weekend, because IDK if I will be able to clean the house and in general just be a good hostess.
    Nothing you can do – just ARGHHHHHHH!

    1. Hellanon*

      Hmmm… since it’s your in-laws, could your spouse do the cleaning & hosting? (Or are they cheering inwardly at the thought of having an excuse to avoid the visit?)

      2. Ali G*

        Hubs will help out – it’s just bad timing. He works full time (and lots of nights and weekends), and since I am only partially employed I typically do the cleaning/shopping during the week, rather than wasting time on those chores during the weekend. This weekend we were going to try to get our garden and other landscaping stuff done because we hope to be hanging out in the yard. So everything’s all topsy turvey.

    2. CAA*

      Oh no! If it’s not starting to get better by Monday morning, go see a doctor. Rolling an ankle in a parking lot is exactly how I broke my fibula and ended up in a walking boot for six weeks.

      1. OtterB*

        Seconding this. I limped around on my “twisted ankle” for two weeks before I got it checked and found it was broken.

        1. Ali G*

          Oh lordy! Luckily it’s better today than yesterday already, so I think I just need to rest it.

  18. Anona*

    We put down my sweet dog yesterday. Both our vet and the home vet said that the worst thing about this degenerative disease that she had is that other than the symptoms (not being able to walk, progressively worsening things like bowel and bladder control, and various health things as a result, and more recently, anxiety because of her mobility issues), she’s healthy and still sweet.

    So it made it tough. The vet putting her down even teared up a little.

    I adopted her after a miscarriage, and she became kinda a surrogate child for me. As my husband said, we both needed each other.

    I loved her so much, and she me, and my life was made so much richer by her. My heart is broken. Run on, sweet girl. No more suffering for you, only running, loves, and all the good foods you can eat.

    1. nep*

      I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking. There is no grief quite like it — particularly given the unique role she played in your life. I wish you peace and healing.

    7. Ali G*

      I’m so sorry. Know you did the right thing. I believe as hard as this was, you would feel worse if you had waited too long.

    8. JaneB*

      Oh it hurts so much to lose a good pet! Empathy and virtual hugs if wrlcome from an Internet stranger mourning her Good Cat who had to be put down in March…

    12. SciDiver*

      Saying goodbye is so hard. I’m sure she was happy to have spent her life with you and your husband, and you made her life better in countless ways. Sending comforting feelings your way as you go through this.

    14. Yes and*

      I’m so sorry. We had to PTS our beloved dog a few months ago. Similar to your pup, she was dealing with mounting mobility issues, but mentally she was still 100% there. And being a lab, her appetite never suffered and she rarely showed any pain, so the“usual” signs that It’s Time were unlikely to occur. I still cry regularly for her. Gentle Internet hugs to yo.

    16. Anona*

      Thanks to everyone for their kind comments. So many kind people! Not gonna lie, I teared up reading these. Thanks for being sweet, and saying kind words to an internet stranger.

    17. Kuododi*

      Oh my…..the heart just aches. I have walked that path more than once in the past and anticipate having to do so again in the near future. You are in my heart. Grace and Peace.

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        I read this on a dog-centric FB group I belong to. “Every dog I have lost has taken a piece of my heart; every dog I have come to love has given me a piece of their heart. Some day my heart will be entirely made up of dogs hearts and I will be all the better for it.”

  19. dreamy anon*

    AAM, I just had the wildest dream. I was on a cruise ship, and we were all forced to listen to a long speech by a particular person in the charge of a very large country who generally is thought of as not the greatest speech teller. there was a literal armed rebellion on the cruise ship in the middle of the speech. i grabbed my bag and ran. i went to the elevator that was a floating platform, but it took me about 10 stories higher than my room, so I jumped off the platform, back onto the ship, where I ended up in an “internment area” defended by armed guards, where everyone was having to sign papers indicating their loyalty to this person.

    from their my brain thought about pushing this person out of a port window but decided they would be rescued and i would drown so my brain was like ‘you just daydreamed about that in your dream.’

    then we had to sit for like 10 hours in the “internetment area” (which was, if you’ve ever been on a cruise ship, the top deck with all the pool chairs, bars, and beachy decorations, so it was garish.) i had to use the restroom, as one does in 10 hours, but none of the armed guards would let me go. so i literally took one of the loyalty papers, put it on the ground, pulled down my pants and went right there. and when people were mad at me, I was like “i had to pee, and you wouldn’t let me go in to the bathroom, so … not… sure what you thought i was going to do?”

    then, instead of that happening, i actually did manage to make it successfully to my room and hid in the closet. a guard was looking for me, but i was hiding, and when he yanked me out of the closet, i kicked him, and he shot me. then cut to my mom in the internment area going “where’s my kid? where’s my kid?” and starting a rebellion on the ship including people picking up tire irons and beating up the guards.

    anyway. I’M AWAKE NOW. that’s what going on in my brain i guess. Christ. IT’S THE WEEKEND.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Hahaha dreams can be so weird and upsetting! If it helps, this morning I dreamt that Brad Pitt went undercover as a porn star to try to catch a serial killer. I think too much Criminal Minds is responsible for the serial killer part, but no idea why Brad Pitt.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            In my dream he was like, ten years ago Brad Pitt. More rugged than 90s, but less rough-looking than now.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      HAHAHAHA
      I’m laughing because this sounds like one of my dreams. I have these weirdo nightmares about going to a place and not being able to leave–the movie Get Out scared the hell out of me because it triggered all those fears of “get out oh noooo it’s too late you can’t.”

      The most memorable one involved a cultlike house we were all locked into and there was a bomb about to explode and I was trying to get everyone out. Yaaaah!

  20. Nervous Accountant*

    So yay no more tooth pain, the jaw joint still aches a bit but I’ve gone about 3-4 days now with no painkiller (otc or Vicodin).

    But alas, given how my year is going I now have really bad back and leg pain. It radiates to my hips and back now. I had it after my first pregnancy many years ago and it went away on its own. Started again last summer, and I went to a podiatrist. He said i don’t have diabetic foot but just to change shoes. I can’t stand for too long or walk a block without being in pain.

    Pain went away and it’s back again, yay!!! *not*

    1. fposte*

      Sounds like sciatica might be a possibility. Around here, physical therapists will often do a free assessment–might be worth going on for one of those.

  21. no coffee anon*

    Am I in the wrong here? I have a friend who will occasionally come to my city and we’ll go see an event together or she just needs a place to stay while she does her own thing. I have a one bedroom apartment in an east coast city, so there’s not a lot of space. I only have a couch for someone to sleep on (or the floor, I guess).

    I’m getting pretty tired of one friend, Jane, in particular staying over with me. There are several annoyances. The big one right now is that she throws a passive aggressive fit whenever she stays over because I don’t have a coffeemaker. I have limited counter and cabinet space, and I don’t drink coffee. It makes no sense for me to have a coffeemaker for the very small amount of guests I have staying with me each year.

    But Jane does the incredibly grating “I’m a monster in the morning without coffee”. Admittedly, I hate that phrase and the way people use it to justify being a jerk because they haven’t had coffee. The phrase and people who use it are one of my big pet peeves. But aside from that, Jane insists that it’s rude that I don’t have a coffeemaker for people who drink coffee. I’ve bought a small container of a good brand of instant coffee, which I know isn’t the same, and said that there’s a Starbucks and local cafe a block away from my apartment, but she insists she needs it before she leaves the house. I’ve told her that if she really needs it, she can get Postmates.

    I have one other friend who will occasionally stay with me, and she’s never had an issue running down the block to pick up coffee or waiting until we leave for the day. I think Jane’s issue is specific to her since she tends to treat my apartment like a bed and breakfast. She’s gotten upset if I don’t buy specific brands of food or have a bunch of snacks on hand (I don’t eat a lot of sweets, so my cabinets are stocked with ice cream or cookies). She’s also a very picky eater (picking a restaurant to eat is a nightmare, she basically just eats bar food like burgers and mac and cheese and nachos), and I have mostly produce and grains in my cabinets/fridge which she won’t touch so I refuse to try and cook for both of us when she stays.

    She gets passive-aggressive if I ask her to take her shoes off the couch or coffee table or to not leave wet towels on the floor or over the back of the couch. If she stays for one night, she’ll bring three bags and spread all of her stuff all over my apartment, making such a mess. She tends to be a messy eater and even though I’ve never said anything about that habit, I have asked her to eat with me at a table instead of on the couch because she’s stained my couch with food before. She gets annoyed that I don’t have cable TV or that my internet isn’t as fast as she would like (I live in a city apartment, so there are so many wireless networks trying to get connection in the same small area).

    I know I’m at the BEC stage with her and that I’ll probably stop letting her stay with me, even if she’s visiting the city for an event we’re going to together, but I really would like to know if I’m in the wrong about the coffeemaker. If I don’t drink coffee, why should I have a coffeemaker for someone who visits maybe two or three times a year? FWIW, we’re both in our early 30s, and she lives at home in the suburbs with her parents and doesn’t pay rent or have any big expenses.

    1. TL -*

      She sounds like a horrible house guest in many respects – but it’s weird to expect someone to buy a kitchen appliance for you, yes. (Unless it’s your parents. Family should provide caffeine at all costs.)

      Buying a small bag of instant coffee was the good host thing to do.

      1. Nye*

        Agreed. I’m rnot much of a coffee drinker but I’ve always kept a tiny percolator / drip machine since my parents are huge coffee fiends.

        BUT there are 2 key differences from your situation with

    2. miyeritari*

      Wait. You let Jane stay at your *house* for free, and she gets mad at you that you don’t have an appliance you don’t want, in a cramped apartment? She gets made what kind of *cookies* you have? She throws her crap all over your place?

      Jane is a massive jerk and you should stop letting her stay over IMO. The next time she plans this, you could say something like, “I think a hotel might be suited for your needs, as you can customize it with the types of food and coffee that you like, rather than what I have.”

      If this makes her stop being your friend, you have a net gain.

    3. Flinty*

      Do you actually like Jane? Tbh she sounds like a pretty obnoxious guest. Is there a reason that you keep agreeing to host her?

      1. no coffee anon*

        We do have a lot in common, and I’m never annoyed when we hang out and she isn’t staying at my place.

        I tend to host her because almost all my other friends are married with kids and in the suburbs, so they never come into the city or have time to hang out (it’s always expected that I travel out to the suburbs). Jane is my only single friend who comes into the city on occasion, and I’ve had a hard time making new friends as well.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          I think the only way to keep her as a friend is to not let her stay with you anymore. I mean, the easy solution is to say Jane, buy a French press and bring it with you. (They even make camping versions!) But the coffee thing kinda sounds like the last straw. She’s a terrible house guest and it will not get better with more visits. She isn’t going to suddenly learn how to be a good guest.

          I do cringe when I read stories like this though. In my 20s I was the occasional house guest for some of my friends who lived in touristy cities, back when we all had single bedroom apartments or studios, and I’m sure I was uncool about things at times. I’m pretty sure, though, that I was not a slob who tossed my stuff, mistreated my host’s things, and whined about easily solvable problems.

    4. CatCat*

      You’re not in the wrong and Jane is an absolute boor. No need to buy and store an appliance you don’t want to accommodate a guest. A normal guest would be grateful for you hosting and pick up a coffee at a shop if they’re a coffee drinker.

      The Janes of the world can travel with their coffee and coffee maker if they feel that strongly about it.

    5. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

      Hey No coffee,your last line sums up your problem. Your friend lives at home with all the perks and none of the responsibilities of an adult and she is bringing her sense of entitlement with her when she visits you. If you don’t want a face to face confrontation (I hate them as well!) send her an email telling her that she seems to be very unhappy staying with you and going forward if she wants a visit she must make her own accommodation arrangements (hotel B&B etc.) If she throws a fit, you will be rid of her. As for the coffee, you can always buy one of those one cup coffee makers that you pour the hot water over the grinds and then plunge the plunger. I can’t remember what they are called, I have one. They are the size of a large coffee cup.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Aeropress! Hell, give one to Jane for her birthday/Christmas and maybe she’ll get the hint….

    6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Serious answer: your problem isn’t the coffee maker. It’s that Jane is a bad guest. She knows you don’t drink coffee, you have coffee shops local to you, you’ve actually gotten her instant coffee (which is going out of your way), and she’s not appreciating it. Honestly, why are you letting her still stay at your place? From what you’ve said, she sounds like she’s not worth the effort to host because she’s so high maintenance.

      But no, you don’t have to get a coffee maker. You’re not a hotel.

      Also, about the snacks: next time she comes over, just buy a ton of crackers. Because she actually IS eating whatever snacks you provide like she owns the place. (Don’t actually do this. But if you do, please update us.)

    7. Menacia*

      Jane is a brat, aside from the coffee maker, she seems to be completely inconsiderate of you and your home. Time to nip this in the bud. Tell Jane once and for all that you won’t buy a coffee maker, that she has to go out and get her coffee, and you don’t want to hear any more about it. You can also tell her that if she continues, to bitch about the coffee maker and treat your home like it was a hotel that she can STAY at a hotel. That you have been putting up with this is pretty incredible, since I think a good friend would not make you want to question something like this. I don’t drink coffee, but my husband does, so it’s all on him to buy the coffee, purchase a new one when the old one breaks, and make it when company comes over, and he’s fine with it. Of course there are days when I just want to get up and go, but he has to have his coffee first, and I’m fine with that. Relationships are about compromise but it does not seem like Jane wants to do this at all.

    8. Coffee Person*

      You absolutely are not in the wrong, but if you want to supply coffee for your infrequent guests, you can get these little one cup filters that hang from a plastic rod into the cup. Then all the person has to do is put the right amount of coffee in the filter, boil the water in a kettle or pot, and pour it slowly into the filter. They come about 40 to the packet, and take up almost no room in the cupboard, and are only a couple dollars. Or you could get a Melitta filter set. It’s a plastic filter holder that sits on a cup. It’s a few dollars more, but is actually easier to handle, and only takes up about the space of a cup in the cupboard. But I think you should have a heart to heart with your friend about her attitude, and if there’s no change, stop allowing her to treat you so poorly.

    9. Anonymous Ampersand*

      You’re not wrong.

      There’s ask Vs guess culture, and then there are rude idiots. She’s a rude idiot.

      1. Parenthetically*

        YES. I initially thought this was an ask vs. guess thing, but really it’s just a “demanding jackass” vs. guess thing.

    10. Anona*

      She’s welcome to bring (and take home) a french press or coffee maker if it makes that much of a difference. You’ve provided her with reasonable coffee options. Rest easy!

      1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

        French press! I was going marbles trying to remember what they were called. Thank you!

    11. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I don’t make smoothies or blended drinks, so I don’t have a blender. Should I get one for the occasional houseguest who wants a smoothie or daiquiri? It’s my house, not a bed and breakfast!

    12. fposte*

      As a non-coffee drinker, I’ve encountered this sometimes with coffee-drinking guests myself. But they were mature and polite adults.

      Honestly, I think it’s time to tell Jane that it won’t work to stay at your place. It’s not a fun thing to say, but it seems like you don’t want her there and you’d probably enjoy her more without that.

    13. Thlayli*

      You are not in the wrong. Jane is a selfish brat. Tell her she can’t stay in your place anymore. If she breaks off the friendship over than then she was not a good friend anyway

    14. Red Reader*

      Jane’s a douche.

      I am a non-coffee-drinker, and if I found myself wanting to offer coffee options to my non-douche guests beyond instant, I might, this fall when STOCK THE DORM ROOM season starts, pick up maybe a one-cup Keurig machine, if I had a drawer or high shelf or somewhere out of the way I could set it when I didn’t need it out. The Keurig aisle at Target frequently has sample packs of like, 3 k-cups for a buck. But not gonna lie, if I was for some reason unable to tell Jane that she couldn’t stay at my house, even if I DID have a coffee machine hidden somewhere, you bet your behind it wouldn’t come out of that drawer for her visit, purely on principle. :P

      1. Red Reader*

        (The part of that STOCK THE DORM ROOM part I forgot to elaborate on: When I say “one-cup Keurig machine,” I mean the $10 Mr Coffee brand one, not an actual Keurig machine.)

        1. Temperance*

          I was just about to suggest this! It’s cheap, and small, and you can throw it in a cabinet.

      2. Observer*

        I’d go with the aerobie or Melitta. They are smaller and less expensive.

        That’s assuming that Jane were a halfway decent house guest. But she’s not. She’s obnoxious and I would not want to spend a dollar on her.

      3. bunners*

        I know this is super late but maybe you’ll see it anyway?

        Rather than spending your money and using space on a Keurig (those k-cups are so unbelievably bad for the environment omg) consider getting a pour over thingie? I don’t drink coffee but I do have a pour over, a little box of filters, and a small bag of coffee in the freezer for when my sister stays over (she’s not a crab or anything before her coffee, she just sort of doesn’t function without caffeine. I once saw her almost poke her eyeball out with a toothbrush before coffee….) The whole shebang (including the bag of coffee) was $14.

        I’ve put a link in my name. :D

    15. Jacquelyn*

      Jane is a jerk. Stop hosting Jane.

      I am a coffee lover. I have pretty much every coffee appliance that exists to make filter coffee, drip coffee, Italian-style coffee, etc. because I love experimenting with the different flavors. If I were your guest, I would be more than happy to go one block down the street to get my morning fix. It was very sweet of you to get instant coffee, you are an excellent host and 100% in the right on this one!

    16. Nancie*

      Jane is a jerk. If she’s bringing three bags, she’s got room to bring her own tiny coffee maker if it’s that important. Therefore, it’s not that important— she’s just that entitled.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      She could buy a mini-coffee maker and keep it at your house OR even better bring it to your house. If I were staying with someone who did not do coffee, I would ask if it would be okay to bring my own stuff and make it myself. Someone asks me a question like that as a host, I am relieved. They have what they want and I do not have to figure it out.

      This person is just plain RUDE. I think the coffee maker part of the story is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for you. It’s the tipping point. If it had not been the coffee maker then it would have been something else that made you say, “ENOUGH!” Time to say bye-bye.

    18. Temperance*

      I’m a coffee person, and I have to say that Jane is being an ass here. She has options and refuses to use them. It’s not that hard to go out and grab a coffee in the morning – it’s honestly one of the few things we do at my ILs that I look forward to, lol – and you live in a city where she can get to coffee in 15 minutes.

      I love coffee. I’m one of those people who will drink black coffee all day, happily, if you let me. I am even one of those “I don’t start my day without coffee” people. I would never, ever ask someone to buy a coffeemaker for me to use 3x a year, because that’s ridiculous.

    19. Parenthetically*

      Holy crap, what a terrible houseguest. You just flat out don’t go into someone’s home and take their free accommodation and then bitch at them about not having all the amenities you want.

      “Why don’t you have a coffee pot/cable/high speed internet blah blah blah.”
      “Eh. (Name of nearby hotel) has all that stuff if you want to stay there instead.”

      Jeezy creezy. No you are NOT wrong.

    20. Blue_eyes*

      I agree with everyone else about the coffee – you’ve been more than accommodating.

      I feel like this part is getting lost – SHE PUTS HER SHOES ON YOUR COUCH?!?! And then gets passive-aggressive when you ask her not to? SO RUDE. All of these complaints combined – you should not let Jane stay with you anymore.

      My husband and I have a 1-bedroom apartment in a city, and while we like having guests, it does get cramped and tiring after a few days. And that’s with guests who are reasonably considerate about our space! For instance, I have a friend who has what we call a “drinking problem”, as in, she always spills drinks. So we have a policy that she only gets to drink white wine on our couch, and she can also have a sippy cup for her wine. And she’s fine with that, because she’s a reasonable person who doesn’t want to damage our belongings.

      1. no coffee anon*

        Yes, I think that because it’s a one bed apartment I get more annoyed because the space is already cramped. Even the other rare guest that stays on my couch and is polite and considerate gets annoying after more than a weekend. But I feel rude telling someone to get a hotel since they’re really expensive per night in my city.

        I don’t think I’d be as annoyed about the request for coffee if I had a house or even apartment with a lot more storage space. I literally have three cabinets for all my dishes/appliances/dry food, one closet, and no free storage space. It works for me, but it means I can’t really add anything new without removing something old.

        1. Woodswoman*

          You mentioned that you enjoy your friend’s company outside of having her as the awful houseguest that she clearly is. Since she lives rent-free with her parents–which explains her entitled attitude–she can certainly afford a hotel for a few days.

        2. Enya*

          “But I feel rude telling someone to get a hotel since they’re really expensive per night in my city.”
          This is not your problem or your responsibility. If someone wants to come to the city, let them pay for their own accommodation. I would get damn tired of everyone just assuming they could use my apartment as their “place in the city”, especially a small apartment. Start saying no – especially to Jane, she’s a real piece of…work. I’m a coffee person, but I would never insist you buy a coffee machine for me! I’d go out and buy or make do with the instant you thoughtfully provided. Her messiness and her demands would send her right to my “do not host” list. Stop letting this rude person use you.

        3. Detached Elemental*

          I live in a beachside town that’s really popular with tourists. We don’t have houseguests, ever. We’re happy to point people towards the nearest/cheapest hotels, but we do not have the space or the energy to have people stay at our place. I feel zero guilt over this.

    21. no coffee anon*

      Thanks for all your responses!

      I think a big part of my issue is also that around here it’s Not Polite to ask friends or family to stay at hotels if you have space for them, so I’ve always felt rude not offering my couch if I know no one is using it.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Also, we don’t know Jane IRL.

        Actually I just thought of something: have you told Jane about how she is making you feel? Best case scenario is that she sees the light. Worst case is that she blows up on you and ends the friendship – which (again, I don’t know Jane and you do) doesn’t seem like much of a loss. Not only does she repeatedly disrespect your home, she also seems to become hostile when you ask her to not do things that damage your home.

        I’m sure she’s fun in public, and in a lot of places it’s polite to open your home to friends. But it really reads like she’s abusing that privilege. And you also have the right to assert yourself – so please do!

        1. no coffee anon*

          I have, and she usually backs off before starting up again.

          The issues of shoes on furniture and leaving towels on the floor or couch is one where she always complies when I tell her to stop, but it’s always with “we do this at home and it’s not an issue”. Which, fine, if someone wants to put wet towels on their couch or floor in their home, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s rude to assume someone else thinks it’s okay when you’re in their space. I guess I understand the feeling that it’s gross to take your shoes off in someone else’s home, but again, my apartment is small and old and I have downstairs neighbors and walking with shoes sounds like a stampede of elephants.

          With coffee, she just keeps bringing up that she’s a monster without coffee and needs it immediately in the morning or else she’ll get a headache and be grumpy the rest of the day.

          All these posts are making me realize that I weaned myself slowly from traveling with her a few years back, and I think I’m going to have to do the same thing with letting her stay with me. I do enjoy her when we’re not in the same living space, so it might just come down to different personalities in shared spaces.

          1. Aphrodite*

            I’ve never been a coffee or tea drinker because I just never developed a taste for them. However, like everyone else here I encourage you to stop her visits to your apartment. She is a rude person, not just a rude guest because she has the attitude “it’s just the way I am.” That’s a lie designed to get others to back off. Do not fall for it. But since you like her otherwise, let her get a hotel room. She can afford it and even if she can’t or doesn’t want to, that does not put any responsibility on you for catering to her overnight needs.

            Considerate guests take heed of their hosts’ comfort level and go with it. If she gets a headache without morning coffee, then she needs to deal with it. It was in January either of this year or the year before that some editors at Apartment Therapy did a month of going without something or adding something and reporting back. One coffee addict gave it up and was surprised to discover that after . week or two AND substituting two full glasses of water when she first arose that she no longer missed it and indeed ended up permanently cutting way back on her caffeine intake later. It was the dehydration she needed to address, not the lack of caffeine.

            I strongly encourage you to not allow her to stay with you any longer. You will find her friendship will take a dramatic upward turn when you see her only in public.

          2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            I feel like I know Jane. (To be honest, I think everyone has a Jane in their life – she’s (or he’s) fun to hang out with, but they’re completely self centered. And if you think everyone is Jane, then I’m sorry – YOU’RE the Jane.)

            I actually thought that the part about her living with her parents was irrelevant until you mentioned that she justifies her behavior by saying it’s all right at her house – has she ever lived outside her parents’ home? I mean, my housekeeping is terrible and even I know that what I do at home is unacceptable at other people’s homes. It sounds like she’s very sheltered from the little bit you’ve posted.

            You also just provided the solution to this issue. If she wants maid service, she should pay for the privilege. It’ll probably be harder to pull away because you can’t just say your couch is always full, but you should find an excuse that works for you and go for it.

          3. Kuododi*

            Oh no…she actually said that!?!?! I am just sorry but she’s simply trying to justify acting like a child. My sister and I were firmly raised that if we were overnighting at a friend or family members.place it was to be left in better condition than when we arrive. Before we leave a place where we were overnight guests, my sister and I will be sure to police all the soiled bathroom linens, wipe down BR counters, strip bed sheets and start a load of wash. Additionally neither one of us would dream of complaining about a lack of coffee on demand. We were also taught to check in with our host about any way we can be helpful in kitchen and make sure to clean up after ourselves. Reading about this “house guest” of yours has caused my head to explode so I must go and clean brains off my walls now. Good luck!!!! There is no excuse for this lady’s behavior!!! :(

          4. Lehigh*

            On the coffee thing, if she needs it immediately in the morning she can throw on a coat and go down the block first thing when she wakes up. Or, for heaven’s sake, she can drink instant coffee to get her through until she does go out.

            It’s enough of a need to pester you, but not enough of a need for her to make it a top priority for HER to see to (using either of two simple fixes you have already provided)? Hmmm.

      2. anonagain*

        Maybe you literally have space for Jane’s physical body in your apartment, but who has space in their life for that kind of behavior?

      3. Lissa*

        I think you’re totally reasonable to say something at this point. If you want to keep hosting her. “Jane, I like having you here, but you always bring up that I don’t have a coffeemaker. That won’t be changing. Can you please stop bringing it up every time I host you? If it bothers you that much I won’t be upset if you decide to stay somewhere else, but I’m not buying an appliance I won’t need and that won’t fit in my kitchen.” Or something better, I suck at scripts, but really tell her to knock it off! That’s if you want her to keep staying with you.

        1. SciDiver*

          This. It’s a weird conversation to have, but I think it’s definitely worth having. If she asks to stay with you, you can be upfront about your reservations: “Jane, I really like getting to spend time with you when you visit, but I noticed the last few times you’ve stayed with me, the way I stock my kitchen has seemed to be a big problem for you. I really don’t intend to invest in a coffee maker I will never use, and I just don’t have the space to keep special items for occasional guests. Since this has been such an issue in the past, maybe you’d be more comfortable staying at a hotel.”

          If she pushes back, you can add “I want us both to have a good time when we meet up. It’s honestly been pretty stressful for me to have theses problems come up again and again when you’re in town. It seems to me that staying somewhere that you can have the accommodations you need is the best way for us to enjoy our time together during your visit.”

      4. Totally Minnie*

        I think that’s a very kind mindset of you to have, but it doesn’t obligate you to host someone when you know it will make both of you uncomfortable and upset. If you want to, you can try having Jane over one last time, but make the boundaries very clear in advance.

        “Jane, the last time you were here, we argued a lot about food and beverages, and about my ‘no shoes on the furniture’ policy. I really value you as a friend and I don’t want us to spend our limited time together arguing. When you come to stay with me next weekend, feel free to bring any coffee supplies or snacks you think you might want.”

        If you don’t want to have her over again, replace that last sentence with “The next time you come to town, I’d be happy to help you research nearby accommodations.”

      5. Not So NewReader*

        The catch here is that she is not a friend.
        Friends don’t treat each other like this.

        It does not say in etiquette books, “If you are a friend of the person all these rules do not apply.” It sounds like she has broken every rule in the book.

      6. Observer*

        Well, you do NOT have space for her – she “needs” a lot of space beyond your couch. She “needs” space for the coffee machine, space for her shoes, space to unpack all her stuff. etc.

        Also, around here it’s considered VERY NOT POLITE to demand that your hosts give you ANYTHING. If she’s going to operate by the “polite” rules, it goes both ways.

    22. matcha123*

      Jane sounds selfish. She’s staying at your place without paying. As a good guest and friend she should be trying to make YOUR life a bit easier (picking up, grabbing food that you like, etc.).
      I generally do not have people over. One, my place is about the size of a dorm room. And, two, not many people visit the country I’m currently in. I can understand how hard it is to tell a friend off…for lack of a better word.

      I would say that if she asks to say with you again, and you are feeling generous, give her some rules to follow up front. Tell her that if she can’t follow your rules in YOUR house, she can’t stay over. Or, the next time she asks to stay over tell her that it causes you too much stress.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        Yep. I would start really, really simply. “You’re not being a good guest. I need you to be a good guest if you’re going to keep staying with me. Being a good guest means keeping my space clean, not putting your feet on the furniture, and bringing any food/beverages you can’t live without with you. Is that all clear?” And then every time she ignores those requests, a repeat: “I need you to be a good guest if you’re going to keeps staying with me.

        Because yeah, she sounds really bratty, but I don’t know if she’s proven herself irredeemable.

    23. Chaordic One*

      You know, it just seems like such an inconvenience that just about anytime that I go any place I stay at a motel. I don’t want to put anyone out. And, believe it or not, some people are offended that I don’t want to stay with them.

    24. Anonerson*

      Jane sounds like a nightmare guest. She might be a lovely friend! But that doesn’t always translate to good houseguest, and the solution might be to tell her that you can’t host her in your apartment, but you’d love to meet up with her when she’s in town.

      Others have suggested getting a French press, and that might be a good option if you do ever decide you want to have a coffeemaker on hand, since there are individual-sized ones available that are about the size of a travel mug. But I don’t think there’s any obligation on your part to provide this.

    25. Sylvan*

      I don’t think you’re in the wrong. She seems kinda spoiled, which is weird in an adult.

    26. KR*

      So when my sister and I moved into a place together my parents insisted on giving us a coffee maker. Both of us, while we list Starbucks and Dunks, do not like drip coffee. But they insisted and said we would need it for when they came over and such, so we bought a thing of coffee and put it in the cabinet. And they never came over. And whenever they did come over they had their own coffee . So eventually we found a friend of ours to donate the coffee too and I think my sister donated the coffee maker when she moved because she doesn’t drink coffee. So my advice is to recommend she buy some instant coffee she can make in a microwave if it means that much to her. But I also recommend just not inviting her over. She sounds rude.

      1. Observer*

        Well, there is a key thing here – the OP actually DOES have coffee available but which Jane refuses to drink!

    28. Elizabeth West*

      You’re not wrong–it’s your house, not hers. It’s not a bed and breakfast. It’s your home. If Jane needs a bed and breakfast, let her pay for one. She doesn’t have any expenses–she can fricking afford it!

      She sounds horrible and I would not let her stay in my house.

    29. Koala dreams*

      No, you don’t have to have a coffee maker for guests. In you case it sounds like she is an annoying guest overall, and you’ll both be better off if she sleeps at a hotel or hostel. Then you can meet up for activities outside. All the fun and none of the arguements!

      For considerate people, you can suggest they bring their own travel sized coffee maker, or even their regular coffee maker if they can fit it in their luggage. They’ll take it back home with them when they leave, of course.

    30. OhBehave*

      I used to keep a small coffee pot but switched to a small Keurig-type machine. None of us drink coffee, but guests often do, so we keep it stowed away until they visit. I can buy a small pack of pods that will be fresh. It’s just something I’ve chosen to do. I consider it part of hosting. It certainly isn’t necessary though.

      BTW – your ‘friend’ is horribly spoiled and annoying. I suggest in the future that you tell her “It’s not a good time for you to stay. Here are a few affordable hotels in the area.”

    31. Observer*

      Stop having her over. You’re both wrong about the coffee maker, imo. At least I would say that if that were the ONLY thing she made a fuss about. But given the whole picture? Why even get hung up about it. She’s an awful guest. And, I wonder how she treats people in general. She sounds like she has an credible sense of entitlement.

      1. Observer*

        I think I need clarify what I mean. Jane is wrong about the coffee maker for the simple reason that when you are a guest you do not make demands, and you DO make do with less desirable options, such as drinking a cup of “cheap” instant coffee. Given the rest of the behavior you describe, though, it seems part of a larger pattern which makes her behavior around the coffee even worse.

        What I meant by you being “wrong” is that if I had someone who really needed that brewed coffee first thing, I’d get something like the Melita filter holder with a few filters or the aerobie and some ground coffee. These items are inexpensive and really small, so you could store them even in a cramped apartment. BUT I would only do that for someone who really has THIS issue, not someone whose REAL issue is that she’s an entitled brat of a house guest.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I don’t think anyone is required to have coffee in their house if they don’t drink it and guests do, even for people who say they really need coffee in the morning. If they really need it they can go out and buy it or bring it with them to make.

          1. Observer*

            Requires? No. Gracious and easy? Yes.

            But again, that only applies when the person is acting like a reasonable person. Jane is not, so all of that is moot.

    32. rubyrose*

      I don’t drink coffee. I have a small french press that I keep for visitors to use. But they have to bring their own coffee, make it themselves, clean up after themselves.

      But given everything else going on with her – if she were my friend, she would not spend one more night in my place. If she asks why, when I refused her next request, I would let her know in a concise but honest way. If there was the end of the friendship, so be it.

    34. LilySparrow*

      Not sure I can help, since I can’t imagine letting this person stay in my house twice, much less “a couple of times a year.”

      Of course you don’t need a coffeemaker. You need friends who are grownups and not rude, immature a-holes.

    35. bunners*

      Having read most of the replies, it sounds like you’ve decided to steer Jane towards hotels in the future and that’s GREAT.

      However, if you change your mind, I highly recommend buying her a pour over coffee contraption (link in name) and gifting it to her. It’s very small, it’s plastic, and she can bring it and a filter with her when she visits. If she forgets it, well, that’s on her and the Starbucks is THATAWAY.

  22. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

    I am a newbie with ordering online and so I decided to start with Amazon. I tracked my order and the latest info said that it was delivered yesterday. People were home at the time of the delivery and there was no delivery. The physical layout of our front door is such that any package is not visible from the street so if it were just left on the doorstep I don’t suspect theft. I checked the website and it said to wait 36 hours because even if they say it was delivered, it might not have been. Is this normal? What should my next step be? I really want my package!

    1. Rilara*

      It’s annoying but yes it is normal. Sometimes it will be “delivered” but is being held by the post office for some reason. Unless you really need it, I would wait until Monday to see if you get it. If not (and if it’s an Amazon prime product), call Amazon and they’ll resend it for free.

      If it’s not an Amazon prime product get in contact with the seller for a refund.

      1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

        Thanks for the info. I’ll try to be patient. I’ve never shopped online and then I fell down a rabbit hole with everything they have. I want so much. I don’t need it. I want it because it’s cute, useful, cheap, unique etc. I hate shopping so the ability to order whatever I need while in bed and in my pjs is very tempting. Now I’m going to look at pjs. :)

    2. miyeritari*

      about 1 out of 4 packages, amazon tells me my delivery hasn’t arrived when it actually has. so I think waiting 36 hours is a good idea. if you still don’t have it, they do have a way to request a refund because your package isn’t there when it says it’s delivered.

    3. anon24*

      Is it possible that it was delivered to the wrong address? My mom had a package say delivered for a few days when it wasn’t. She noticed a neighbor had a lone package sitting on her porch for several days so she went over to investigate and it was hers. Thanks neighbor, for just abandoning it instead of bringing it over. I live in an apartment complex and over Christmas we had a bunch of packages delivered into my building. I checked to see if they were mine and they weren’t but I didn’t recognize the name as any of my neighbors. Someone posted on the town’s Facebook page that night that their packages were missing and it turned out she lived in my complex in a different building. So I was able to reunite her with her stuff which felt good.

      1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

        Our house number is visible, plus our neighbours are sweethearts and if they got it by mistake I know they would walk it over to the right house. Also, I’ve always gotten my post office packages without a problem. If I knew for sure they were using the postal system I’d go check with the local office. I’m thinking that maybe I will anyway just in case.

      2. Chaordic One*

        Several years I ordered an item from Amazon and after it didn’t show up I checked at the UPS website said it had been delivered and left on the front porch several days previous. I looked all around entry-way into my apartment building and in the hallway and staircase up to my apartment. (I kind of figured that one of my neighbors saw the package sitting there and stole it.) I reported it and they sent a second item which showed up and was fine.

        Then, about a month later, I found the original package. The UPS delivery person had thrown it onto my second floor balcony. I never used the balcony very much and it never occurred to me that someone might leave a package there. I never said anything and kept them both.

    4. Ali G*

      This is not uncommon if you are not a Prime member and you chose the least expensive shipping option. Typically it is “delivered” to the post office and then the PO delivers to you. So the “delivery” is probably to the PO.

    5. BlueWolf*

      Is it prime shipping? I’ve found that for one or two day shipping they use contractors to make final delivery (I think it’s LaserShip) and they are notorious for marking them as delivered and then they don’t actually show up until the next day. I live in an apartment complex though so if you’re in a house I’m not sure if it would be the same issue.

      1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

        It wasn’t Prime shipping. It was the second option, where you can track the package. Originally the tracker said it would be delivered next Tuesday which was perfect because I’m home that day. When I checked the tracker it said that the package had been delivered Friday, it wasn’t. So I will wait until Tuesday, the original delivery date. We have two dog “doorbells” who go off like crazy whenever the doorbell is rung. The doorbell is always answered in our house if only to shut the dogs up. That also makes me think that the package was not delivered at all.

        1. Arjay*

          Unless a signature is required, and even then sometimes, they won’t ring the bell. They just leave the package and are driving away in their truck while the dogs are still barking.

    6. Lily Evans*

      Amazon shipping is consistently the worst shipping out of all the companies I regularly order online from, so that’s unsurprising. You’re next step could be contacting customer service anyhow, they’ll usually at least give you a $5 account credit as a consolation prize for their ineptitude. And then you’ll have a paper trail if it still doesn’t show up.

      1. Quoth the Raven*

        That’s interesting. I’m not in the US, but Amazon has the best shipping out of all the places I buy online from, even when I’m buying something from the States that needs to be imported. They’ve only failed to deliver one package during the two years I’ve been ordering from them on a monthly basis, and that was because Customs didn’t clear it and sent it back to them.

        1. Lily Evans*

          I’m in the US and once upon a time they were reliable and I loved ordering from them but there’s been a serious decline in the past couple years. I think a big part of it is that at least in the States they’ve began to implement their own carrier service that is just terrible when they used to contract out to established shipping companies.

      2. Lindsay J*

        I used to love Amazon, but once they started using contractors to deliver packages rather than like USPS or UPS, the quality went way down.

        I stopped using them for a year when I had several things say they were delivered when they weren’t. I got refunded each time, but the hassle wasn’t worth it, and sometimes when I’m ordering something with one-day shipping it’s because I need it on that specific day, and an “oops” and a refund doesn’t fix the problem caused.

        I finally caved because I they do have a selection of stuff nobody else has. But now I only use the Amazon lockers and that seems to have solved the delivery problem at least.

        Though I did have an issue still. I ordered a specific type of battery for one of my old cameras I have. A silver oxide battery in a specific size. What I was sent was an alkaline battery in a completely different size, though in the packaging for the battery I ordered. I sent it back and they fixed it, but if I got the wrong battery again I was about the be done with them completely.

    7. Margo the Destroyer*

      I do all my shopping online. I get sucked in on amazon and buy so much that I don’t need. It is convenient though because my sister lives across the country so I can send all my gifts straight them. It makes Christmas shopping so much easier as well. Sometimes, I think the post office marks the package delivered because it is on their list, but forget the package sometimes until the next day. I did also have an issue once with a new mail person who didn’t like our porch so left package for us to pick up at post office but forgot to leave us a note saying to pick it up.

      1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

        That’s also a possibility. BUT, I’m finding this so aggravating it’s destroying any incentive I have to shop on-line.

    8. Jen*

      Call Amazon! You can also check your account and at least for me they take a picture of where they dropped it. We have a weird setup and it can be anywhere! We have a front porch, a regular front door, two separate garage doors, and a back deck, all sometimes get packages. And once I couldn’t find it and it ended up being in the mailbox!

    9. OhBehave*

      Amazon’s chat is very helpful. They will often credit a portion of your order or give you an additional month of Prime membership. They’ve done both for me several times. I will say that Amazon has changed their methods in the last few years. While we have Prime, we have to watch what we order. Shipped by date is NOT the expected delivery date.

    10. Letter carrier anon*

      Amazon now is using several different companies for their deliveries. USPS, UPS and FedEx have GPS in the scanners. (I don’t know how their in-house contractor deliveries work.)

      If USPS delivered it, you can call the station, give them the tracking number and they should be able to see what address it was delivered to.

      I’m not sure why Amazon would tell you to wait 36 hours though. Our scanners update every 10 seconds, so if you set up a tracking alert you could have the parcel before I get back to the truck.

    11. Engineering consultant*

      Agreed with others, give it 36 hours before you call Amazon. In my neighborhood Amazon subs out the “last mile” delivery to people’s houses, so these contractors don’t always deliver on the day or they tend to drop if off at 5AM the next business day before they go pick up other deliveries.

  23. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Actually getting this in early this time!

    So…did anyone else end up watching the Boston Marathon on Monday? I was…not very productive at work that day. (It was mostly nerves. I was tracking three people in my club at the same time.)

    Did anyone actually run Boston this year? If so: holy cow. I’m also a Northeasterner, and it was bad where I’m at – but Massachusetts looked absolutely insane!

    Aside from that: runners, what do you have coming up? (Me, I’ve got NJ next week, Brooklyn Half May 19, and then a couple of shorter races.)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        TELL ME ABOUT IT

        I was pacing around my office like a crazy person and checking my second monitor for the last half hour of the women’s race. My team thinks I’m insane. They’re right.

        The men’s race was also bonkers. I (being a newbie) almost thought Kirui was going to run away with it until he blew up and Kawauchi took over.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            I’m in awe of runners who do Boston. First, you have to be a world class runner to do it. Second, the weather is almost ALWAYS awful. That race is plagued either by awful nor’easters or untimely heat waves. Those runners are true warriors.

            1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

              Tell me about it. I mentioned that I was tracking a couple of my friends – one of them ran a 2:55. In Boston. On that day. (I had the site open and he was basically on pace for 2:45 for most of the race.)

              He was wearing basically the club singlet and half-tights when he came across the finish.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        See you at the start! (And obviously, good luck on all your races.)

        Brooklyn was actually funny – I actually ended up getting an entry after NYC Half since they opened a lottery for some spots. I still need to put in my entry, as a matter of fact.

    3. Red Reader*

      I got my packet for Disney’s Star Wars Virtual Half the other day, but I haven’t decided when I’m going to actually go do the miles this summer.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        If you do decide to go for it, good luck! And stay safe – when is it?

        1. Red Reader*

          Whenever I want! It’s a virtual race, so there’s no set time, I just have to go do it whenever and however I want :) It’s not quite as high-stakes as a “real” (or formal, I guess) half marathon, haha.

          1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            …I knew that! (I kind of missed the “virtual” and picked up on the part where you said you got your packet.)

            Still be careful though – but you already knew that. And good luck! When do you have to do it by?

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Llama Grooming Coordinator, all the best of luck in the NJ Marathon next week, and I’m in awe that you’re going to run a half just three weeks later! I’ve run Brooklyn Half about seven times; it got too crowded and overhyped for me, but it’s still an amazing race and a part of me does wish I was doing it too. I’m doing the NYCRUNS version of the Brooklyn Half (which runs past Brooklyn Museum and down Ocean Parkway, but doesn’t run out to Coney Island) in October.

      I ran the poor man’s version of NJ Marathon today, the Asbury Park Run-a-Palooza Half. What a beautiful course that in part mirrors the second half of the NJ Marathon. I did not run my best time, but I was very pleased with how I felt. My energy level was really strong, even at the end of the race — I felt like there was energy in reserve to run several more miles past the finish. That’s the important thing, because after deliberating about it for a while, including on the AAM open forum a few weeks ago, there is a very real possibility that my sixth marathon is going to come this fall, and this race helped tilt the scales toward “yes”.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Oh my god, I forgot you mentioned that last week! (I forgot to check last week’s thread.) Glad it went great, and if/when you go for 6: you got this! I know you’re on the fence, but if you do go for it, do you have any races in mind?

        But yeah, today was basically perfect for a race. This morning was nice and cool, and the skies are clear. I’m hoping it’s the same way next week

        For me – Brooklyn is going to be a little rough, I’m expecting. I wasn’t planning on running it until NYRR offered some spots to NYC Half runners by lottery and I entered on a whim. I was not expecting to actually get a spot. I’m hoping I’ll be fine for it, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          If I run #6 this year, it’s going to be Philadelphia on November 18. I ran the half marathon in Philly about four years ago; at the time it ran concurrently with the full marathon. I loved it, with the start and finish at the Philadelphia Museum of Art (of Rocky fame), great crowds on the street in the first 7 or so miles (sort of reminiscent of NYC), and a really nice park setting from miles 8-12 or so.

          I think they changed the marathon course since I ran the half, but it looks appealing. The first half of the race is the same as the half I ran in 2014; the second half looks to be largely in a park if I’m reading the course map right.

    5. Red*

      World’s most unprepared new runner here: Just tried to run a 5k before finishing couch to 5k due to some life stuff that came up. It went better than expected!! Who would have thought?! I’m so proud of my legs guys, you have no idea. I have another 5k at the end of May and I can’t wait to see how great it is when I’m actually ready for it :)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Congrats, especially since it sounds like it went well! And good luck on your next race – you should do great!

        (And hopefully, this is just the first of many 5ks.)

    6. CheeryO*

      I did a 5K yesterday and came sooo close to a PR (6 seconds!) on a hilly course, so that felt good. I actually somehow came in second for women (small race!).

      I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with training this spring with two long-ish breaks and rebuilds after being sick, so I’m just trying to stay healthy and consistent now. I have a local half in late May and my second NYC Marathon in November!

    7. MotherRunner*

      I didn’t watch Boston, but i wish i had. I’ve been reading all the stories about the runners and the different strategies involved. Some of the stories are pretty amazing!
      I have the OKC half next weekend, then nothing scheduled after. I’m sure I’ll end up doing several more races this year, but I’ll wait and see what seems appealing. I keep getting asked if I’m going to try a marathon, but i don’t have the desire to go further than 13.1, at least right now.

  24. Gaston*

    Is buying a renovation project home crazy when you’re in the market for something already done? I was outbid on a coastal property in an area where stuff doesn’t come up for sale all that often and my budget (compared to the wealthy buyers of holiday homes there) is the lower end of the local market.

    A small property has come up for sale at a good price, some sea views and a good location for the local town. The downside is it’s a total refurb project – it’s not derelict but it’s been uninhabited for a few years and before that hadn’t seen any work done in a long time. It’s not a ‘knock down that wall and paint the kitchen’ job, it’s a full scale renovation with electrics, water, heating, damp issues etc etc.

    I know nothing about renovating anything and I don’t want to end up a re-run of the Money Pit. I have the time and money to do it but wouldn’t know where to start. Would buying it be crazy? Any personal experiences of renovations (and whether you’d do it again) greatly appreciated!

    1. Flinty*

      No reno experience here, but if you want to watch an entire TV show about British people doing amazing and stressful builds/renovations, Grand Designs on Netflix is awesome :)

    2. fposte*

      Frankly? Yes, I think it is unless you either have no job you need to get to or have a crapton of money to throw at it, and even then it’s a bad plan for a first-timer because there is so much risk of being taken advantage of and majorly screwing up. Mountain climbers don’t start with Everest. (And seconding Grand Designs, but also just because it’s amazing.)

    3. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

      I would take a hard pass. My friend who knows how to renovate bought an old house that was just a shell inside with an upper floor. He and friends did most of the work but he had to call in pros for the plumbing and electricity. He had to, otherwise he wasn’t able to insure it. I helped him and unless you really enjoy physical labour don’t do it. There was so much detailed work. I now know how to install drywall. My neck was sore for days from strapping and I know more than I ever want about septic tanks. Coordination was key, lining up the electrician to come before the plumber etc. The plumber called and said he was coming a day early, take it or leave it. We rushed into town without changing out of dirty, sweaty work clothes to buy the washer and dryer. Walked into a major store, the salesman took one look at us and turned away. So we went next door to an appliance centre and bought a washer, dryer, fridge and stove on the spot from a salesman who saw how serious we were. In the end it worked out, the house is beautiful but it’s 5 years later and there is still some work to be done.

    4. Lora*

      Be prepared to sacrifice your significant other, your vacation time and a nonzero amount of sanity.

      I joke…a little. How old is the house? And it depends on location how much renovations will cost and how crazy they will make you. I live in an antique house in New England and because all construction labor here is basically union (as opposed to under the table illegal immigrants in, say, Texas), getting renovations done, no matter how simple, costs two or three times what it costs in other regions and takes four times longer. I am not exaggerating in the least. Most of the time it’s just easier for me to take vacation time, order parts online and have them delivered, and watch a few YouTube videos and figure out a DIY project than to hire it done professionally.

      I had to replace the front and side doors last year, a project that in a normal house would cost perhaps $1000/door, installed. I had no time to DIY so I had to hire it done. It cost $4500 and took eight and a half months from “please order and install for me two boring standard not-fancy doors, here is a pile of money” to actually getting the damn things installed on the house (not painted, I did that on a weekend because it would have taken another month or two). During this time there was an actual crack you could see daylight through in the old doors. In winter. I had to cover the doors with space blankets all winter and use the back door. No amount of money could induce anyone to move faster.

      That’s par for the course in this area. I have friends who built new houses and they found plenty of things significantly wrong with the new construction that took several months to repair. You can’t win.

      It has nothing to do with lead time of buying components, it’s just that there aren’t a lot of decent contractors and the ones that won’t completely fk up are usually booked out for ages.

      And then you gotta do a lot of project management riding herd on them. Even if it is something simple where you’re like, “listen, you can see there’s a huge hole in the door, I want the new door that shuts properly and doesn’t have holes” and you don’t actually care what all they need to do to make it happen, they will demand that you show up in person in the middle of the workday to approve the work, every little detail. You can be all, “listen, I hired you because I don’t have time off work to do it myself, I really cannot be there” and it makes no difference – they just will not move forward with the project until you take a half-day to be walked through the thing in person. You end up taking more time off work to approve their details than you would if you sucked it up and DIY’ed it.

      I would advise against it. This sounds like enough work that you will wish you tore it down to the foundation and built new. Which is its own nightmare fuel. It’s fun for about 3/4 of the first project you tackle and then you’re like FML.

      I could rant more, except I can’t because I have to go paint stuff, fix the patio, pour concrete, install solar lights in the garden, trim the hedges…

    5. Anono-me*

      Have a good local contractor give you an estimated cost and timeframe for every thing you want and need. If you comfortably afford to spend double the estimate and wait twice as long to move in. I’d say maybe.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I hope you don’t have to live in it while you’re renovating it. I know of several people who, when they bought fixer-uppers, they basically camped out in their back yards while they were working on their houses. Some lived in tents and the relatively better-off ones lived in nicer motor homes or camping trailers with bathrooms.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I know of two families that rented small apartments while their major renovation projects were being done (6-12 month jobs). Another friend’s family has been living in their house while tackling one section at a time as DIYers. We were able to live in ours because the reno project was limited to an expansion, space we hadn’t been using anyway, but it was still hard due to noise, dust, and various limitations (stairs to the second floor were gone for a while, power and water out at times, etc).

        Our cost might not have doubled from the estimate, but it’s hard to say b/c the estimate was SO low compared to real costs. The guy didn’t low-ball the bid exactly, it’s like he didn’t understand that prices have gone up since he started his business. And DH did a lot more of the work than he wanted to originally, partly to save costs and partly to just get it done.

        But the time – I mentioned in another thread the job was estimated to take 4-5 months and it’s just now done, exactly two years to the month.

    7. Pam*

      I recommend trying Cranford, by Elizabeth Haskell. Charming, and an enjoyable read. (And relatively short)

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      We gutted our house and renovated almost every room, but we didn’t end up moving walls (with the exception of a weird wall between a shower and tub in the master, which we removed). I loved it but be prepared for a LOT of work and even more decisions. It’s hard to overstate how much research you have to do and how on top of everything you have to be. I had a unicorn–an honest, trustworthy, highly competent contractor. He wasn’t the most expensive, but definitely not cheap. Even still I had to be on him about stuff a lot and know every detail of what was going on, including being on site every morning before work started to meet the subs to ensure what I wanted was being done. I would say with that much work put in on my and the husband’s part, we still got about 95% of what we wanted, which I consider a huge success. There is just stuff that you notice months later that wasn’t done exactly the way it should have been. If you’re lucky, those things are minor.

      So basically only take on a huge reno project if you vow to be on top of EVERYTHING and you can hire design and construction professionals who are extremely trustworthy and you have a huge contingency budget. Also, remember when you buy a house to save money for mechanicals and don’t spend everything you have on cosmetics because there WILL be issues that you have to pay for (like a new furnace) that don’t add to the beauty of the house, which is the fun part to spend money on.

      Good luck!

    9. Jen Erik*

      My husband is good at practical stuff, as is his family. His first house was a tiny terrace 2 up 2 down – toilet down the garden type of thing – he put a bathroom in, sold it on, bought a semi-detached – hand-made the kitchen for that one – then after we were married bought a large semi-detached that needed the sort of stuff you’re talking about – new electrics, damp proof course, re-rendered, re-roofed.
      We did as much work as was practicable ourselves.

      On the one hand, we doubled the value of the property in about three years. On the other hand, we both had stress dreams about the house for the next twenty years. It would certainly have been easier if we could have paid to have everything done – but even the stuff we did pay to get done – it was hard to find the right people to do it, and – and this may be different in different countries/ parts of the UK – tradespeople seemed to be dreadful for agreeing to come. say, on a Monday – and then just not showing up. So if you’re trying to co-ordinate it yourself, that could be difficult. I think it only worked because I was studying, and my schedule was reasonably flexible.

      And certainly if you’re not experienced, it might be better to contract someone to oversee the project – because you have to do things in the right order, and have people lined up to come when you’ll need them.

      I don’t know about the market wherever you are, so this is only a guess, but if it’s a place where properties sell easily, if it is a sound house, at a good price, and reasonably easy to renovate – I’d expect someone who does that to be doing that already. And if they aren’t, it might indicate that they’ve done their sums and there isn’t a profit there.

      Which, I know, isn’t what you asked. But it might suggest that Cost of House + Cost of Renovation > Cost of similar property in the area – in which case it would be a question of how much you like this particular house.

    10. AcademiaNut*

      Honestly, yes. With no experience, and no particular interest in renovation, you’ll end up in a re-run of the Money Pit.

      Best case – you’ll spend all your free time and money for the next few years, most of which will be living in a construction zone, but you’ll end up with a liveable house and not too unreasonable debt. Worst case, you’ll try it yourself, fail miserably, call in the professionals, find out that it’s a more extensive (and expensive) project that you had thought, spend all your money and free time for the next couple of years living in a construction zone, have contractor problems, and end up in waaay more debt than if you had bought one of the houses you rejected as too expensive, and still not actually have an acceptable liveable house.

    11. Gaston*

      Thanks for all the input – I still don’t know if I’m crazy or not!

      The plan would be to keep the house as a vacation/weekend home initially with a view to moving permanently there in the next few years. It’s in a small coastal village in Ireland (I’m Irish and in Ireland too!) where a lot of property is owned by people overseas who vacation there. Typically they either buy new homes or they build from scratch. A renovation isn’t so much on their radar and the price of this one means I could afford to pay professionals to renovate because my skills are not in construction.

      As for the house it’s a two bedroom small cottage, built in the early 1940s, and internally I wouldn’t say much if anything has been done since the 80s. There’s a good sized garden (one thing I don’t want is acres of land!) and the front of the house overlooks a quiet inlet of the sea. The view isn’t as fancy as some of the other homes in the village, but then neither is the price tag!

      1. Jen Erik*

        I’m from the North. I’m reminded of a holiday we had in the 70s, when my mum booked a cottage by the sea from the Irish Times. We got to Connemara – long trip, in a hot car, four of us squabbling in the back seat – pulled up outside, and my mum instantly said ” Turn the car round, we’re going home.”
        It was a sugar cube of a house – square, flat roof, built of breeze blocks which had been painted bright pink.
        Two minutes down a lane, to a sandy beach no-one else used – and the sun shone nearly all the week. Best holiday ever. We children even enjoyed the thunderstorm when the water ran in under the badly fitted front door, followed the natural downward slope of the property along the corridor that bisected the cottage, and neatly decanted itself outside through the badly fitted back door.

        Equally, I live in a 200 year old cottage – we’ve a few damp problems, but the roof and windows are still sound, and the electrics which date from the 70s, I think, are fine.

        I think you need a surveyor or builder to look at it – if there are major problems like rot, for example, I’d pass – but if they think it’s basically sound, the 1980s isn’t so long ago.

    12. Lindsay J*

      Be realistic about what you will actually do.

      Boyfriend and I brought a house that had been renovated, and just needed some relatively small improvements – the backyard deck redone, outside landscaping done, the fence redone, some small indoor stuff like scraping stickers off of windows and walls, scrubbing crayon off of the fireplace, repainting, etc.

      We lived there for a full year and did absolutely none of it. We’re both worn out from work when we get home. Neither of us are really outdoor people. (Though I do like gardening.) And there was just always something else we could do other than scraping stickers off of windows, etc.

      We sold it a little over a year later in the exact same condition we purchased it in, other than we wound up paying a contractor the fix the fence when we put it on the market because our realtor thought it would help it sell fast.

      I would like to think that if we didn’t wind up moving to a new city and selling so quickly that maybe we would have gotten some of the stuff done that we planned to do, but, honestly, it’s not all that likely that we would have.

    13. JSPA*

      I did that 18 years ago. And am still doing it. (Well, not only same house– ended up doing a largely DIY update on another, and an almost total gut on a tiny third.) But unless you have some real awareness of how houses are put together, are good with your hands, and also get real enjoyment out of learning how things work and using your hands…pass. It’s not really a money saver. It just draws the costs out over years. If you know that there is a large talented labor pool available to you and that it’s easy to pull permits I suppose this answer could change. Maybe. But probably not.

  25. nep*

    Finally finished Middlemarch.
    Well — “finished.” I hereby admit I flipped rather quickly through a few chapters. I’ll likely go back and read it again one day. But the last few hundred pages had me at the edge of my seat in that ‘can’t wait to see what happens but don’t want to finish this book’ kind of way.
    Now I’m enjoying reading a bunch of reviews of the book. (Some people write some amazing and in-depth analyses on goodreads — wow.) And I’m going back and reading the Introduction, which only now I’m able to grasp and enjoy reading.

    1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

      I had to read Middlemarch as part of an English Lit course. I couldn’t skim it because it was going to be on the final exam. It was hard slogging for the first few chapters but once I got into the characters it was very interesting. Human nature stays the same was the lesson I took from it.

      1. nep*

        Yes.
        It’s really enjoyable reading all these reviews, to see what people took from it. The only other English classics I’d read were for school (long time ago), so I’m not a connoisseur. But this is one, based on references I’d heard, that I really wanted to read. I’d like to read at least one more by her — going to look for a copy of The Mill on the Floss.

        1. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

          lol, sorry no. But I do have the exam booklet in my storage unit. I saved all of my essays from my school days.

    2. Flinty*

      That’s so funny, I had the exact same experience with Middlemarch! It took me a really long time to get into it, but once I did, it was so worth it.

      1. nep*

        A lot of the reviews I read say the same — that parts of it are a slog and it takes a while for it to become compelling.
        I love books like this (similar to my experience with books by Rebecca West) where you just come across these absolute gems — sentences that take your breath away for their depth and insight.

    3. Nesprin*

      Yep, 1st time i read it, 3/4ths of the way through i was yelling at dorothea to get her act together and marry the guy. 1st time ive ever yelled at a book

      2. Keep Your Eyes On The Prize*

        I found Dorothea to be really smug with her head up her skirt when it came to Old Man Casaubon whom she wanted to marry for intellectual discourse.

      2. nep*

        Oh my word now I want to strangle Celia. Her going on and on to ‘Dodo’ about how she mustn’t be such a downer, and mustn’t go to Lowick…stay here and witness the magnificence of my newborn………UGH it sounds so awful in the radio drama.

    5. nep*

      This is from a review on Goodreads — brilliant:

      “This book left me in awe. In terms of raw command of craft, Eliot’s piloting the Starship Enterprise through wormholes while so many of the rest of us walk around puffed up by our ability to tell the Computer to turn off the lights.”

  26. WellRed*

    I moved into my smaller office corner yesterday. Behind my desk is a big grubby wall riddled with thumbtack holes. Any suggestions on some sort of wall art that won’t break the bank? I’m thinking one piece, 3 foot square ( to give an idea). Even online stuff is really expensive.

    1. Menacia*

      Try Goodwill or something similar, they usually have large pieces that would fit the bill and not break the bank.

      1. anon24*

        There is a thrift store near where my parents live that is run by a charity that gives free counseling to victims of crimes. I bought a huge oil painting of a beach scene for $4.

    2. Quilt Person*

      Must it be paint or photo? because if not, would you consider something like a quilted wall hanging? or some other type of fibre art?

    3. Kj*

      Do you have any pretty scarves at home? Or shawls? You you could hang one there like a tapestry. Or do you have friends with kids? Get them a large sheet of poster board and some markers and have them make you some abstract art.

    4. Blue_eyes*

      Buy some fabric that you like, and wrap it around a cork board (secure it to the back with a staple gun or hot glue). Now it’s pretty and functional as a tack board if desired. If you don’t care about it being a tack board, you can buy cheap canvases on wood frames from Michael’s and then wrap the fabric around and secure it with a staple gun.

      You can sometimes find lengths of fabric at second hand shops, or look for an old scarf, tapestry, or even tablecloth in a color or pattern you like. You can also get cheap fabric by the yard from places like Joann’s Fabric, or online.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I’d say check out the “Clearance” section of AllPosters dot com. There’s a lot of stuff that is cheaper than the shipping. You could easily find something nice for under $20, and probably under $10.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes! You beat me to it–I was going to suggest AllPosters. They have really really nice posters. I got a Quidditch poster from there on really nice paper.

    7. FrontRangeOy*

      If you have an art museum in or near your community, contact them and see if they have a loaner program. The arts center/gallery in my community has a “art on your walls” program. You tell them what sorts of things you like, they pick things from their collection and hang them. A year later, you get something new. There are stipulations about about the insurance your company carries but it can be a very affordable way to get art in your office if there are any orgs in your area that do loaner art.

      1. Arjay*

        Also check with your local library system if that interests you. Ours allow you to check out wall art for I think three months at a time.

    8. AnonyAnony*

      I actually found decent enough artwork a Lowes for work for under $50. I was shopping for other stuff for home, but came across a section with artwork and there were several I picked up for my office walls. Nothing spectacular, but good enough to cover messy or plain walls inexpensively.

    9. OhBehave*

      Check Target for wall art such as a large hanging. My daughter bought one a year ago that is really nice. It’s thick paper with a print.

    10. Little Bean*

      Check the gift wrap sheets at Papyrus! They sell them as “wrapping paper” but they’re actually about poster sized and have some beautiful designs. I bought one for a friend that looked like an antique map of Paris and she has had it hanging in her office for years.

  27. Ella*

    If this update already got posted, apologies, I can’t read all the weekend threads–but there was an update to the reddit thread that Fposte posted last week about the Jewish woman who was stuck in a hostile work environment call center. Her coworkers had thrown her an unwanted birthday shower, purposefully told her that non-kosher food was kosher, and tried to get her to take off her headscarf, among other things. There is a happy update. I’m linking to the BestOfLegalAdvice thread since that has way more discussion: https://www.reddit.com/r/bestoflegaladvice/comments/8d13rw/update_for_the_tricked_into_eating_something_i/

    2. FD*

      I’m really impressed with that poster who saw the discriminating a**hat of a manager and then later the employee and guessed it was the same person. That was an impressive intuitive jump and let them put the pieces together to provide the person guidance.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Wait wait – this is a serious stretch, but reading through that post, apparently one of the comments that the horrible manager made was:

      Random redditor: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

      Manager: the road to hell is paved with bitches like my co worker who complains about all the nice things I do for her even when she doesn’t want me to do them.

      This made me think of the LW we had here who was mad that their employee didn’t jump all over the amazing maternity benefits she arranged without getting her employee’s input.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Holy cow. I just read through the whole thing, including the deleted comments, and wow. I hope there’s another update about how the jerk manager gets fired.

    6. Blue_eyes*

      That’s such great news! That story made me so angry but I’m glad the OP is getting some justice (and a whole lot of $$$ I hope!).

    7. Lawler*

      As someone with a law background who uses to be a moderator on Reddit, I can honestly tell you that over 90% of the stories there are embellished or completely fictional. I’m Jewish and keep kosher and I’m not saying it’s not horrible, but given the background of that place I would tell you not to believe anything there. It’s a haven for trolls and falsehoods.

      1. Sylvan*

        Oh, really? I visit /r/legaladvice about twice a year and had no idea. Well, I guess it’s some comfort to know that maybe nobody was harassed like that.

      2. fposte*

        But…it’s the internet! Everything here is true!

        The possibility of fiction got mentioned in the comments in bestoflegaladvice. I suppose I’d be gladder to know that somebody wasn’t as horrible as the manager, so I’m not that appalled to consider it might be fiction.

      3. Ella*

        Even if it’s fiction, it’s very well executed, since a significant moment in the story is when an unrelated redditor catches on to the connection between the two entries. (And if that was also staged, well, that was very creative of them). Also, as Alison has said about potentially false letters here: Even if that story is embellished, there’s a decent chance that somebody might be going through or looking for information on a similar event in their own lives. So I’m okay with it.

      4. Observer*

        In this case, though, there were two separate threads which actually supported each other. Unless you think that someone actually created two different user names to troll the forums, I’m going to have to say I believe it.

        1. reddit mod*

          I could fill a phone book with the amount of people/accounts I have banned for doing stuff like that. Lots of these accounts were established ones and not throwaways. It is not a rare occurrence.

          I called that situation as fake as soon as I read it. I had someone where I mod do the exact same thing (multiple accounts making supporting threads across reddit) twice this month. Also many of the situations posted in the particular spot mentioned above are trolls or completely fake.

          1. Lindsay J*

            +1. People on Livejournal used to do this all the time. I have no idea how they have the time and energy to dedicate to such things, but they really do. Some people had networks of dozens of sockpuppets they used to support their other sockpuppet accounts.

            And I read the relationship and relationship_advice subreddits, and it’s well known there that a high percentages of the posts there are faked. There used to be a pattern to the usernames, but someone pointed it out in the subreddit and they’ve since started using more varied ones, but the fakes are still obvious.

          2. Sylvan*

            Wow. That’s some old school overinvolved LiveJournal sockpuppetry. For some reason I thought Reddit fakes were more likely to come from throwaway accounts.

    8. Sylvan*

      Well, holy shit.

      There will be a settlement out of court, as they want this resolved quickly with no publicity.

      They don’t want publicity. You don’t say.

    9. Book Lover*

      I think I am a bad reddit reader – where is the positive outcome? I am not sure where I should be looking.

    10. Ann O.*

      Wow! I’m actually shaking from reading the original threads, they were so upsetting. The manager reminds me of so many people I have unfortunately known who think they aren’t anti-Semitic because they’re completely fine with secular Jewish people whose Jewishness doesn’t require any accommodation or change of perspective.

      The whole thing about shock over the Jewish co-worker taking off different days each year… how freaking hard is it to Google Jewish holidays to learn about the lunar calendar?

  28. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I left my ex at the end of last year.

    I still feel like I will never ever ever want another relationship.

    One of my friends who left a bit earlier than me now has a new partner and is really happy.

    Anyone want to predict, based on whatever you like, whether I’ll ever change my mind?

    FWIW I miss the companionship but I do not miss sex At All. I’m wondering whether I’m asexual. I don’t really care all that much. Maybe it doesn’t matter?

    1. Turtlewings*

      It’s been less than a year, I think it’s impossible to predict how you’ll feel in another few months or even a couple years from now. There’s certainly no reason to push yourself into dating when you don’t want to, or feel at all bad about not wanting to date. You basically just survived a plane crash and don’t want to fly again right now. It’s a perfectly understandable way to feel, and if you decide you never want to fly again and are happy that way, then that’s 100% understandable and fine.

      And hey, if you are asexual, there are lots of other aces out there, too. Maybe you can find someone to have companionship with that also wouldn’t care about sex.

    2. Thlayli*

      Ive heard it takes half the length of a relationship to get over the relationship. So if you were with him for 10 years you would be fully over it in 5 years. I have no idea whether that’s true or not, but I do think 5 months is awfully quick to move on from a years-long marriage.

      Right now it doesn’t matter. You focus on you and your child and don’t worry about dating or whether you should be or ever will want to again. If you wake up some day and feel you want to start dating again, you can deal with it then.

    3. Ainomiaka*

      It’s still pretty early. And some people want a new partnership faster than others. You don’t have to want anything just because your friend did.

    4. Fiennes*

      You can’t know yet. You’re still recovering—and that takes different amounts of time for different people. It’s entirely possible you won’t change your mind; it’s also possible that in another six months you’ll be crazy in love. Or anything in between! The only important thing is that you’re leading the life that feels fulfilling and right for you.

    5. Detective Amy Santiago*

      After what you went through, it’s perfectly reasonable that it will take you a while to be potentially interested in dating again. If ever. There’s nothing wrong with that. You deserve to be happy in whatever form that takes for you.

    6. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Thank you all. I feel better now. It just feels like everyone’s moving on from all their relationships except me. But that’s really OK.

      FWIW this is the longest I’ve ever been single since I was 16. I think I’ve got a lot of alone time to make up for.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        It’s important to remember that getting into a new relationship is not the only way of getting over the old one. It sound’s a little hokey, but be your own SO for a while and really get to know and like yourself. Take yourself out to cool places and give yourself the special treatment. If you eventually decide you want to be in a relationship again, cool. Do it. But if you don’t, that is also cool.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I had a subordinate who lost her husband about two years after I lost mine. About four to five years after her loss, I ran into her again. She had remarried.

        Like you are saying here the first thing that happened was I did a self-check. No, it was more like a comparative analysis of my life. Of course comparing ourselves to others seldom goes well. Additionally, marriage or a committed relationship is only ONE way of moving on. There are many, many ways to move on. If that is not enough to mull over, consider this: IF and that is a huge IF you did remarry, you would still have to keep a job, a car and a household. You would still have to raise SC. Marriage is a part of life but not all of life. We can have lives without marrying, without having children, and people have had full lives and never knew their parents, this list goes on and on.

        Personally, I go with, “Yeah, I did that marriage thing. Now I am ready to look at other aspects of life.” Feel free to steal it if you like.;) I have no idea if I will ever marry again or not. I am finding that people around me don’t care either way as long as I seem content, which is very cool.

      3. Lindsay J*

        When I broke up with my ex, it was the same case for me. I was 28, and I had been pretty much continuously in relationships since I was 16. I decided I was going to take a full year off from guys and dating, and it did me a lot of good I think.

        It allowed me to feel more independent and whole, and it allowed me to really think about and decide what was important to me in a relationship and what my deal-breakers were before I jumped into another relationship because the guy was nice and cute. It made it so I could be more intentional about getting into my next relationship, I guess.

        I was also pretty over the previous relationship by the time I actually broke up with him because it had been years in the making in some respects. But I also didn’t really want to put myself into that situation of having to deal with and consider someone else for awhile afterwards. I just wanted to be by myself and do things for me.

    7. N Twello*

      I left a long term relationship many years ago and decided I was done with relationships, sex, romance, dating, roommates, etc. I am so happy I did. I have good strong friendships and a very happy life.

    8. NaoNao*

      On the “not missing sex” I hear ya.
      It certainly *could* be asexuality, or it could be a ton of other things, either on their own or a little of this/little of that.
      It could be that your ex, the most recent lover, wasn’t a very good lover and your memories of sex are “eh”.
      It could be that you’re not ready to commit to anyone and sex and commitment go hand in hand in your mind
      If you’re a woman, it could be that, like many women, the less sex you have, the less you miss it (that’s totally me. If I’m having regular sex, I’m into it and desire it. If I go for, say, 3 months + without it, it’s like I forget what it’s even for and am totally like “eh, I could easily go the rest of my life without it)
      If you’re a woman, it could be that you have worries about pregnancy or STI/D’s or other physical concerns that are in the back of your mind (for me, a new lover almost always means a UTI at some point, ugh) but not really in your “top of mind”.

      For me, a very, very general rule is that you need one week per month that you were with someone. After a year, it jumps to pretty much a year for year deal (with exceptions). For me, after breaking up with a man I was engaged to, it took a year almost to the day to feel I was genuinely ready for dating. I was having casual stuff and got back in touch with a friendly ex after about 4 months or so, so the “week per month” thing was accurate in terms of how soon I felt like male companionship of any kind!

      I think when you’re ready, intimacy, companionship, dating, and physical stuff will seem exciting and you’ll feel their absence. I don’t think it will be dramatic, it will be like one day a cute person will walk by and you’ll be like oh HAI and you’ll know.

      1. Lindsay J*

        I know even though I did have a sex drive, after I broke up with my last ex I was also afraid of the experience of being intimate with someone new.

        I was afraid that maybe I wasn’t good at it, or that what my body looked like wouldn’t be a turn on, or that I wouldn’t be turned on by his body, or that I would say or do the wrong thing, and any number of other things.

        And those things, for me, even overrode feeling the desire to have sex with someone else for a long time.

      2. Anonymous Ampersand*

        One week per month= three and a but years.
        Half as long as relationship= about 8 years

        Ok, I’ll stop trying to rush myself :)

    9. Close Bracket*

      My personal experience with getting out of a relationship that I was thoroughly sick and tired of was that the relationship fatigue killed my sex drive for a few years after the relationship ended. I was just completely relationship out. I couldn’t stand the thought of another person taking up my time or my energy or my body. It was all linked together. So maybe you are asexual, maybe the sex was bad enough that you don’t want anymore, maybe the relationship was bad enough that you don’t want anymore, or maybe something else entirely is happening. Rather than label yourself or your feelings, try being accepting your current feelings and being open to any possibility regarding your sex drive in the future.

    10. TeapotAdvocate*

      I divorced coming up to about 4 years ago after being married for about 12 years. I’ve been on a few dates since then, because I like meeting cool new people, but haven’t been particularly excited by it. I did meet someone who I had the whole ‘butterflies whirling round head’ feeling for, but I think that was mainly situational (both temporarily working abroad, strange culture, great to see a familiar face). That experience made me reflect on what I actually want – which is to spend time with cool arty people with exciting projects, rather than a long term relationship. I’m very happy with that, and actively don’t want to link my life up with anyone else’s.

    11. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I was so nervous to post this and I’m so glad I did. These perspectives are all so helpful! Thank you all so much for sharing. Some “if this then that” points have had me going YES THAT’S IT!.

      I feel a lot less potentially-broken now.

  29. Is pumpkin a vegetable?*

    Alert: Gyno question ahead!!
    Anyone have any experience with, or know anything about adenomyosis? I’m recently diagnosed and am in a lot of pain and near constant spotting/bleeding. I have to be on bc pills for 3 months before they’ll consider a hysterectomy. Would be very interested in hearing anyone’s experiences that are willing to share. Thanks!!

    1. Recruiter*

      I would recommend joining the Facebook group called “Hyster Sisters” or just checking out their website. It’s excellent and extremely supportive. I was put into surgical menopause at 39 due to a full hysterectomy (endometriosis, adenmyosis and cysts). The info I found there was just what I needed.

  30. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

    Sorry for starting so many threads but!

    But have you accomplished today (big or small) that you’ve been putting off?

    Ive oiled the wood boards on my balcony (MAJOR adult points) and removed sweat stains from a favorite silk blouse of mine.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      I started on sorting out my kitchen. I’m really bad for leaving it when I’m at work and then it piles up and I get stuck where to start and… on and on. But I’m determined to get organised and make life easier for myself so I’ve started it and I’ve got a way to go but my kitchen smells all fresh and fairy liquidy now!!

    2. Lady Alys*

      Moving in the next few weeks, so many little things to take care of – today I’ve rented a van, done some utility stuff (created accounts with new companies, set shutoff dates for current providers), and made a start on packing some oddly-shaped stuff. Just waiting for free shred day next week to get rid of masses of useless paper, thank you public library!

    3. The Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve finally booked some Spanish lessons for next week. I’ve really let my Spanish slide over the last two months because I couldn’t afford classes on top of the vet bills but now that that’s over, I can get back to it.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      The snow is almost melted so now I can see where the dog has been all winter, haha. So I did some yard cleaning. I need to wait for the rest of the snow before I pick up the rest.

    6. Brunch with Sylvia*

      Fixed the mattress platform of my son’s bed so that he can move it into his new apartment next week and big time yard clean up!

    7. curly sue*

      Did a massive backyard cleanup, including getting rid of the old sandbox the kids haven’t used in years, a whole lot of raking and pruning, and minor repairs on the raised beds. They’ll need to be redone completely (the wood’s going in places), but they’ll live through one last summer. Next step – resetting the patio stones so they’re level.

      1. curly sue*

        Hah! I hadn’t looked at the other comments in the thread before posting mine, but I’m seeing a major theme here.

  31. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

    Anybody else watch Jane The Virgin?? Last night’s finale was SO MUCH! (Possible major spoilers below!)

    1. Cruciatus*

      I just finished watching and O.M.G.! And I don’t know how I feel about any of it (especially if it’s exactly as it all seems). I know you can never get too comfortable with this show but I still wasn’t expecting those final seconds.

      Not a spoiler about anything–but earlier this week my coworker was complaining about all the dark shows available and I tried to tell her about this. I’m so sad that so many people wrote off this show just by the name or misunderstanding of the story. I told her to ignore the name and she said “OK, but isn’t she underage?” Gah! No! Young, yes, but I think she’s a recent college graduate as we meet her. Someone else came in and said they also love the show so maybe I’ve convinced her to finally give it a watch. The Narrator alone is reason enough!

      1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        The only way I’ve gotten other people into it is by sitting them down and making them watch the pilot haha, but I realize that’s not practical for coworkers. I also have mixed feelings- I am 100% team Michael but also aghhhhhh!

  32. anon24*

    I move in 2 weeks! I’m so excited to get away from my horrible neighbors. Packing like crazy this weekend because I work next weekend. Does anyone else love moving? I just wish this was the long distance move we’ve been wanting but hopefully that will be the next move.

    1. The Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve just moved and I hated it! I really enjoyed the cleaning though. By the time I was done, I wished I didn’t have to move. Good luck with your move.

    2. Nicole76*

      I can’t stand moving and am already dreading it even though no plans have been made… which is why my husband and I have decided to start getting rid of stuff that’s been sitting around unused for years. It will make moving that much easier if we don’t have to declutter first.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I give you credit, anon24. I don’t think there’s anything I hate more than moving. Even going to the dentist normally ends in less than an hour!

      Good luck!

  33. Ainomiaka*

    My kitty has been sick for weeks and is not getting better or eating. It’s time to call a home vet and talk about the end. I am not ready. I’m just devastated.

    3. dawbs*

      I”m sorry.
      It’s always a hard choice and it never gets easier and it’s hard to be ready.

    7. ainomiaka*

      Thank you everyone for being so nice. She got to go on my lap at home. That’s the best way it could have possibly been, so that’s the right thing.

  34. Anyone buy cars frequently?*

    I realize up front these might be sort of stupid questions, but I am buying a new-to-me-but-not-necessarily-new-but-maybe-new car soon. It seems like so many things need to line up perfectly and at the same time and I am stressing out about it massively. For example, dealers are open on Saturday and Sunday, but banks are not (or partially on Saturday, but not all day). Insurance offices are also not always open on the weekend. I realize people buy cars all the time but I don’t know how. Do you drive the car to your bank with the salesman to go get a cashiers check for the down payment? Do they accept personal checks for amounts that large? Do people go get the cash before even going to the dealer? How do you arrange insurance? Again, go to the agent’s office before completing the sale? Call them and they do it electronically? Use a computer at the dealer and set it up yourself electronically? Or do most of the deal, leave, take care of the rest and then go back to get the car later? How do people do this on weekends? Do you just have to know the exact hours of everybody and time it right? Do most people use their trade-in as the bulk of the down payment so giant amounts of money aren’t usually sitting in your pocket? Except for no-haggle places you don’t necessarily know exactly what you’re going to pay until the deal is done. Or do you negotiate it all in advance over email and so in-person is just about test driving and signing paperwork and the numbers should all have been agreed to before? I’ve read most dealers don’t accept credit cards or those that do charge a fee or have a limit to how much they’ll let you use it for. No one seems to say what forms of payment they accept. So do I have to contact everyone I might consider buying a car from to ask? That seems annoying. (I realize an auto loan would have way better terms than a credit card, but I have all the money and would pay it off right away…I want the rewards points…but if it’s not doable I’ll abandon that idea.)
    Needless to say, I’m freaking out. It seems like so many moving parts. But people buy cars all the time so surely it can’t be THAT difficult?

    1. anon24*

      When I bought my car I went for a test drive and decided I wanted the car. I put a deposit down ($100 if I remember correctly) to hold the car for me. Then I went home and contacted my insurance company and got insurance for the car. I went back the next day with proof of insurance and a personal check (the dealer agreed to take one but some may want a different form, figure this out when you put down the deposit), signed the papers, and left with my car. You can do it over the weekend this way.

      1. anon24*

        As for haggling, my deal was simple. I contacted the dealer and said I’m looking for this type of car but can only afford $xxxx including title tags and taxes. The dealer found a car that fit my needs and when I agreed to buy it she did the math so it was just under my budget, so I actually ended up getting the car for $500 less than asking price. Haggling done, without me actually arguing a thing. I got very lucky.

    2. WellRed*

      When i bought my car the insurance was arranged at the same time while I was at the dealer. I remember waiting for them to fax ir back.

    3. BRR*

      For credit cards, I’ve leanred most will accept a certain amount like a couple grand. My dealership took a personal check for the down payment.

    4. DietCokeHead*

      So this was my experience. I test drove the car and then sat down with the salesperson to haggle the price. Once the price was established, I wrote a personal check for a down payment and to hold the car while the financing was lined up. The financing took a couple of days and I went through the dealership for financing. Once that was in place, I came back, signed the paperwork, and took the car home. I had 48 hours or so to contact my insurance agent and get the new to me car insured. I am assuming the insurance time frame / requirement varies by state and I would think the dealership can advise you there. Hope that helps and good luck!

    5. BlueWolf*

      I bought a new (used) car recently. I had to go to the dealer several times. First to test drive and put a deposit down to hold the car for 3 days and then it took some time to arrange everything and pick up the car. I was also waiting for insurance reimbursement though which slowed things down. I was able to arrange all the insurance and auto loan stuff mostly online so that part was fairly easy, although I did have to call my credit union to sort out a few things. It probably depends on the dealer as far as payment methods. Mine would accept a personal check for the down payment but I had to show them that I had the money in my checking account. They would accept credit/debit only up to a certain amount or they would charge a fee.

      1. BlueWolf*

        Forgot to mention you can get a pre-approval through a bank online (or I’m sure in person too) and then you know how much you can spend before you go to the dealer.

    6. Ann O’Nemity*

      I recently bought a car. I test drove and negotiated price on Saturday. I gave them $100 (credit card) to “hold” the car until Monday, but they let me take it home. I went back on Monday, completed the paperwork, and paid. I put $2500 on my credit card, because that was the max they allowed. Like you, I wanted the points. The rest was paid with personal check. My existing car insurance (State Farm) actually covers new car purchases for 2 weeks before you need to formally set up the policy. If I remember correctly, you can get temp car insurance at the dealership.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Dealerships vary. My usual dealership accepts checks, because it’s a felony to pass bad paper. They don’t worry about it. This is clearly the owner’s personal choice. I bought my last car out of state, and they would not accept any checks. I used my credit card.

      My usual dealership gets the car registered and inspected in my name, so I do not have to run around doing that. My out of state purchase involved running to DMV then over to get it inspected. I literally came out of DMV and screwed my real license plates to the car, I tossed the paper plates on the floor of the car. The out of state place had given me temporary plates, I had ten days to change over. I got the car on a Saturday (with my credit card) and ran the errands on Monday so that I would be finished well ahead of that ten day deadline.

      The insurance part was relatively easy. I called my agent, she wanted the VIN (vehicle identification number). She ran the number and called me back with a price of how much more it would cost. I paid that amount by credit card over the phone. I believe she emailed me the insurance cards.

      Each step of the way I asked each person what I needed to do in what time frame. The out of state salesman explained how long the paper plates were good for. DMV explained how long I had to get an inspection. I had called the insurance company before I brought the car home to find out their time frame.

      The insurance part took the longest to complete- but by then I had the car registered and inspected and the insurance company okayed using it. I think I paid the insurance bill about a week later.

      I have to say, even experienced buyers bring a friend or family member with them to buy a car. Like you say there are so many moving parts. It’s wise to bring a second set of eyes and an elbow to nudge you to get out of a place.

      I’d recommend making a list of features you want. For example, I want power everything. I like to look to see how low the car is to the ground, I hate really low undercarriages on cars. The seats must have good lower back support. Make a list of what you MUST have at home before you go, it’s not much different than writing a grocery list, “Here is what I want…”. This way you are less apt to get sucked into something that is really not for you.

      Next make a list of what you need to do: line up payment, register, inspect, insure and whatever else. I wanted new tires for my last car, so that got added after I picked the car out. Then fill in the instructions for each thing as you go along. Your initial list will keep you on track.

      1. Anyone buy cars frequently?*

        Thanks! Yes I know exactly what I want. That article’s pretty great. It’s the nitty gritty of what actually happens once you get to the in-person part that I’m feeling overwhelmed about.

    9. Gatomon*

      Last time I bought a car it was actually quite easy. It was a week day. The whole sale process went like this:

      – I was stupidly browsing cars on the lot when not intending to buy. Salesman found me, we talked, he showed me a car they just got that fit almost all my criteria and price range was right.
      – Test drove, was good. Discussed financials a bit, decided to move forward.
      – Their trade in person evaluated my car (inspected it, test drove it) and made an offer.
      – Haggled a bit with sales guy before he went to financing.
      – Financing department looked for financing for me and put together a deal.
      – Sat down with financing, went through final deal, signed and had papers signed.
      – I took new car home on temp tags and I updated my insurance online. You will want to check your papers and ensure the coverage you get meets the requirements of your loan or lease, not just the state mins.
      – Returned the next day to drop off my old car’s title and spare key. Notarized the sale of the old car.
      – I took the car to the DMV within the 40-day window and titled and registered it. The DMV database verified I had insurance coverage. (I think this part is really state dependent.)

      The dealership wants to sell you the car, so they will make it as easy as possible to get you to purchase! A good dealership will help you understand what is happening and guide you through the process. I had a friend drive 8 hours to purchase a specific car and the dealership treated him so terribly when he got there he drove away. There will always be another car or another dealership or another day.

      Also, if you end up with a longer-term loan (more than 36 months probably), consider getting gap insurance. It’s usually one of the add-ons the financing department wants to throw in, but it’s actually good thing. If your car is totaled and you owe more on the loan than the car was worth, the gap insurance will cover the difference. In my experience it doesn’t add much to the total cost and it can really save your bacon if the worst does happen. When you have longer loan terms you’re more likely to be underwater on the loan for an extended period of time since the major depreciation tends to happen early on when your paying more interest than principal.

    10. Piano Girl*

      Due to unforeseen circumstances (my husband having an accident while we were visiting family in another state) we purchased a new car on Saturday, from beginning to end. We already knew what we wanted, and let the dealership know before we arrived. The insurance and financing were all done electronically. I put the down payment on a credit card (otherwise we would’ve traded my old car in), did the paperwork and left town the next day. It was exhausting but we pulled it off. Good luck!

    11. Lindsay J*

      Not sure with the payment because the last couple times I brought a car myself we financed at the dealer. My dad brought cars in cash a couple times though, and he wrote them a check right there once, and had the cash on hand to pay them once. I think he took out the absolute maximum he was willing to pay, and then just went and redeposited what he was able to save afterwards.

      For insurance, I logged into the computer at the dealership and set it up electronically.

      For one I used my old car as the entirity of my down payment. For another, we used my boyfriend’s credit card so he could get the miles. He did the same when purchasing his car. When buying his car they did not want to take the credit card as the down payment and said it wasn’t possible, but when he got up and said he was leaving the deal then, they suddenly found a way to take it. I think they don’t like to take it because of processing fees, etc, but when presented with it as the only option they’d rather lose whatever percent than lose the deal completely.

      My most recent car, we agreed to the price “out the door” through text message, and I just went in, test drove, got financing, paid the down payment, signed the papers, and left.

      They had it listed for $8000. We said we would come in and buy it that day if they could do out the door for $7000. We settled on $7500. I told them that if they tried to add on any nonsense or fees that made it go above $7500 out the door, that I was walking out. They stuck to their word. I think it wound up being like $6800 for the car, then $700 in fees.

      Before that, I went to a place that advertised the prices up front, but there was still some haggling over what my trade in was worth, getting them to remove crap that I didn’t want, etc. In that deal we did leave in the middle of it, went and got lunch, went to another place that advertised that they buy your car and got their assessment of what they would pay us, and went back to complete the deal feeling confident we were doing the right thing.

      I’m probably going to buy my next car from Carvana. I gave it some serious thought this time, but ultimately I wound up not liking any of the cars in my (seriously limited) price range this time. Next time when hopefully my credit is better, and I have more money to spend on the car, it really seems like the way to go to avoid all the hassle, etc.

    12. Little Bean*

      I have bought a car exactly once, and it just happened a couple of weeks ago. I had the same questions, so here was how it worked for me. I was putting $5,000 down and they allowed up to $2000 on a credit card, so I charged that much and wrote a personal check for the rest. I don’t know if there’s a limit on personal checks but it seemed like that’s the normal route. You get 15 days to transfer your insurance so you just call your insurance company on the next business day when they’re open.

    13. That Would Be a Good Band Name*

      I’m late to this, but here’s how mine went. I shopped online forever and found the car I wanted. I went to the dealership on a Saturday and test drove. Decided I liked it and sat down with their financing that day to get that squared away. Drove the car home. On Monday, I called my local state farm branch to tell them I bought a new car. They got that updated and emailed me the insurance cards. The dealership does something (??) for the license branch and they mail that to you and then you can go get your license plate (at least that’s how it works in my state) Easy peasy. The worst part is the dealership trying to sell you a million different warranties.

      My sis just bought a cheap used car (about $4000) and she took cash to the dealership. They thought it was funny that she didn’t write a check but like you, she wasn’t sure if they’d take a personal check for that amount and the car she found was over 2 hours away so she definitely wasn’t going to risk having to go again. Since she didn’t have to do financing, it was super quick. I drove her up there and I think we were maybe at the dealership for 30 minutes.

  35. Justin*

    I have come to understand I have deep anxiety issues. Am in therapy, working on it, have gained some strategies and so forth.

    But my anxiety is really draining on my wife, understandably. I try to limit it from messing with her (she is an introvert who needs a lot of quiet and space and, anxious or not, that’s not my strong suit). But it’s hard.

    Anyone else with anxiety type disorders with a partner? Any way to mitiage its impact? We live in NYC, there’s hardly space in our place, etc.

    Thanks for reading.

    1. Kj*

      Have you read anything by Sue Johnson? She is an attachment therapist that works with couples and talks about the “dance” that couples do around certain issues. Hold Me Tight is very readable and might help you and your wife navigate those conversations.

      I have anxiety and a husband and I use a lot of Johnson skills to get us both through- recognizing our patterns, talking about them, having plans for doing things differently.

    2. Fiennes*

      We both have anxiety. FUN. But maybe in some ways it’s easier, because either of us can say to the other, “bad anxiety day,” and that communicates it all.

      In your case, it sounds like you need comfort/company to help deal with anxiety. (If I’m wrong, tell me.) Some things you should do: (1) get a larger “team you,” so there are friends or family members who can talk with you on the phone or meet you for coffee, etc, when you need support but your wife is tapped out. (2) figure out an out-of-house activity that soothes you. For me, it’s riding my bike in the park. Physical activity/exercise is often very good for this. (3) meditation can be excellent. There are some effective anti-anxiety meditations on the Simple Habit app, and no doubt other sources too. (4) with your wife, figure out something you can do together that soothes your anxiety that isn’t just about clinging to her, but is actually enjoyable for you both. (For me, this is board games; for my partner, this is couples yoga.)

      Good luck working through this, and kudos to you for understanding how important it is to balance your needs with your wife’s.

      1. Justin*

        Thanks for the response.

        1. Yeah this is a big part of it – my “team me” has shifted over the last few years, my best friends were/are a bunch of single, not-very-emotionally expressive dudes. So I’ve been trying to add to/change my circle (they understand, anyway). I am going back to school for a doctorate in the fall and expect to meet folks I can really vibe with (not to vent about this stuff, but connecting helps overall)
        2. I’m a marathon runner, so that helps a lot, but, like, yesterday I had a pretty bad moment on my way to work, so moments like that I haven’t figured out yet, since I can’t, you know, sprint along the subway.
        3. I need to really put work into this. I’ve tried and failed, but it’s time to try again.
        4. We’ve been looking, hasn’t clicked yet.

        So basically, I’m glad I’m on the right track, just haven’t gotten there yet. Which is good,but also annoying, but I just have to keep going. I appreciate the care taken in responding.

        1. Fiennes*

          You really might like the Simple Habit app, which has brief guided meditations (as short as 5 minutes) you can do anywhere. You could slip on your headphones and work through one on the subway platform/train, etc. I’m sure independent practice works better, but the app has been useful for a meditation newbie like me.

        2. Natalie*

          Do you participate in any casual running groups? My dad is a marathon runner and a guy that appreciates deeper relationships and the running community is just Home for him.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Do you have friends or family members that you can rely on for support so it’s not all on your wife? Having a support *network* can be really helpful.

      1. Justin*

        My parents are kinda the original source of my anxiety, which won’t surprise you.

        But I’m working on a better peer support network.

    4. Red Reader*

      So, my husband is you (heavy anxiety issues, still early in treatment strategies and whatnot) and I am your wife (super introvert, give me space, etc). In our case, it’s slightly exacerbated by the fact that I am also what my husband’s therapist refers to as ‘hyper functional’ (which is hard to explain without sounding like I’m bragging, so apologies in advance – basically, I am super good at keeping all the juggling balls in the air, I work 50+ hours a week and am in grad school and a week shy of finishing two masters degrees simultaneously and keeping our groceries stocked and our pets fed and and and – and watching me do all the everything with seemingly no effort, while working an extra 5 hours a week is pushing his anxiety buttons and stressing him out, stresses him out more, but I can’t NOT do stuff because shit gotta get done.)

      For us, the super super big thing is for him to recognize when his anxiety is irrational (as best he can) and not shove it off on me, make it a problem that I’m expected to fix, or treat me poorly because of his brain weasels. That was my line from the get-go — I’m very sorry that your brain is being shitty to you, and if there’s a way I can help with that I will do my best, but you absolutely do not get to turn around and make that an excuse for you to be shitty to me.

  36. Triplestep*

    Let’s talk about “Singular They”. Not a conversation about Gender Identity, but about grammar and communication. Disclaimer: I fully accept the idea of gender as a spectrum – this is not about that.

    I get why “singular they” is a thing, and why language evolves. However, I notice that some people will continue to use “they” as a pronoun when speaking about a person whose gender and preferred pronoun (which is not “they”) has been established. It happens a lot in the comments here even when the person’s gender-specific pronoun can be assumed from the LW’s use of it. My question is: Why do this? Why insist on “singular they” when it’s not needed?

    I am often confused by the use of “singular they” where it WOULD BE considered necessary, and I have spoken with others of my vintage (I’m 54) who feel the same way. I often need to go back and read a sentence again when I stumble on it, but it’s typically not that big a deal, and I get that for language to evolve, we need to normalize new usage.

    But for those of you who use “they” when it is NOT needed, or – as I’ve also started to see – flip back and forth between a gender-specific pronoun and “they”, would you think more about doing this if you knew you were confusing people? What if the people you were confusing were influencers in your life? (Boss, mentor … bank loan originator!)

    My point is that there are plenty of people who are old enough to both hold some sway, and also trip over “singular they” because of decades of training that it is incorrect. I don’t think you can just say “get with the times” – some of us accept gender as non-binary but still can’t flip a switch on the way our brains process language. And some of us are in a position of responsibility in the lives of those using “they” where it doesn’t seem necessary.

    Thoughts?

    1. Fiennes*

      It’s not about “getting with the times.” English has used singular they for as long as it’s been remotely, recognizably English. Shakespeare used it. Heck, CHAUCER used it. Only in the 18th-19th centuries did grammarians start trying to police this, because it’s not “logical.” But language isn’t something that operates on strict rules of logic. Never has been, never will be.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, this. Singular they has been around for AGES. It’s a functional feature of English.

      2. Triplestep*

        Yes, I have heard this argument before. It’s an interesting conversation that I suspect others here may want to have, but it doesn’t really answer my questions or speak to my primary point.

        1. Fiennes*

          Your questions seem predicated on the idea that singular they is extremely confusing and/or that using it is problematic, and I think that for most people/in most situations, that’s just not true.

          1. Triplestep*

            Extremely confusing? Heh, no. I don’t want to repeat everything I wrote – it’s still there for you to go back and read. But I can tell you that many people do stumble over “singular they” when their brains are expecting “he” or “she”. If you didn’t realize this, it may be that people aren’t talking to you about it, because a.) they don’t want to make a thing out of it – they are on board with its use, and b.) you are probably at least a generation younger than most of them, and they are not having these kinds of conversations with you.

            But thanks for your responses, because you actually have answered my question ” … would you think more about [using “they” where “he” or “she” would be OK] if you knew you were confusing people?” And what I glean from your response is “No. I wouldn’t care.” Obviously I don’t speak for everyone around my age, but I am right here telling you that this people DO get tripped up over it and when that happens, we are not thinking “Well, you know, CHAUCER!”

          2. Not Alison*

            Singular they may not be confusing for you, but please don’t generalize that it not confusing for most people. Myself, I find the singular they confusing and if a person prefer the singular they pronoun, I generally avoid using the pronoun and just use their name all the time. Which sometimes drives people crazy, but using singular they drives me crazy so which of us is in the wrong?

            Can someone please explain to me why the English language cannot come up with a singular nongender prounoun. Just because Shakespeare and Chaucer used it, does not mean we should use it in the 21st century. Look how many new words have been invented in the English language since then and how many words have had their meanings changed.

            One other question – what happened to the idea of using zir and derivations thereof as a singular nongender pronoun? (sorry if that is the incorrect word, but I can’t think off the top of my head what was the correct word)

            1. Triplestep*

              I have often wondered about the singular non-gender pronoun question. Back in the eighties, some people advocated for “co”, while others tried to normalize the use of “per”. Obviously, neither caught on!

              When I’ve asked this question in the past, I’ve been told “we don’t need a new word; we already have ‘they’ and it works.” And I suppose it does, but I don’t think it works as well as a new word would have.

            2. Anonymous Educator*

              Yes, I also find it confusing and would be fully on board with creating a new word for singular non-gendered pronoun instead of using a word that currently means something else just because you can use some kind of etymological argument to justify it.

        2. fposte*

          I’m not sure I’m following. Are you saying that because of the use of “they” as a deliberate personal pronoun the common “they” as a colloquial neutral pronoun has become a problem to you because it’s suggesting some people have chosen that as a pronoun when they haven’t? Or that because people are aware that “they” is being chosen as a non-binary pronoun that speakers are using it as if it were a grammatical singular neuter pronoun as an acceptable variant, sort of like “one” can be?

          I don’t actually hear that with named individuals, so in my circles there’s not that direct risk of confusion at the moment; I might hear it more if people start defaulting to “they” pronominally as a catch-all, I suppose. But even there, I think you just clarify–“Sorry, which pronoun does Jane go by?”

          1. Triplestep*

            So if I understand the questions in your first paragraph correctly, I am not saying either of those things. Some readers below have given a few examples of what what I’m asking about, but essentially I am saying: I understand the use of “they” as a singular pronoun when gender is unknown; I get momentarily tripped up on it, but reset easily.

            But I do not understand why someone would use “singular they” when gender is known and “he” or “she” could be used instead. Further, I get confused when “they” is used in the same anecdote, email, post, etc, as a gender-specific pronoun. If it is known that the person is uses “he” or a “she”, why do we also use “they” for that person’s pronoun?

            And lastly, I think this is generational, so I wonder if younger people would think more about their use of “they” when it is technically not needed if they knew they were confusing people. Especially since those how get tripped up are probably older, and may hold some sway in their lives.

            In this last part, I’m reminding myself of a time about ten years ago when I started to find fine print hard to read. My alumni magazine arrived printed in a small, creamsicle-colored font on white paper. I went to a design school, so I get that it was a cool graphic choice, but who do they think has the disposable income to donate to the school? The twenty-somethings who had no problem reading that?

            1. fposte*

              Hmm, then I’m missing a piece: if the issue isn’t that you’re getting confused about what pronoun the person uses, how is the slip into the neuter tripping you up?

              And in your third paragraph, I’m your age and I think this really is related to the good old-fashioned singular “they,” which has always tripped people up sometimes, and that it’s not going away. I think if we can’t figure it out, we just have to ask.

              To me the font thing is different, because you’re talking about an objective physical limitation so well known it makes it into accessibility standards. The pronoun use is just culture shifts and English struggling with its insufficient pronouns (see also “all y’all”).

              1. Triplestep*

                If you are asking “Why is it confusing when someone uses ‘they’ for the same person referred to as ‘she’ in the previous sentence” I don’t know that I have an answer for that.

                To me, the font thing is related because I am talking about the possibility of younger people not knowing their older audiences … which is important when they potentially want something from that audience!

                1. fposte*

                  I’m asking if you misunderstand the meaning as something else, or if it just takes you a second to snap it into place that “they” is a variant of the singular there.

      3. Observer*

        That’s not a really useful response though. I don’t have the same issue with singular they although I’m in the same age bracket. But, when talking about the way people process things, it doesn’t help to tell them that what they are talking about is “new” because it started 100-200 years ago. From a historical pov, that is absolutely correct. And, it’s an important point when talking about what usage is “correct” and how language is evolving. But, it’s not relevant or even correct when talking about how you understand language. Because there “new” means “the last few months or years of my life.”

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I think it’s just become more common in the lexicon, both because of the increased visibility of gender diversity and because it works as a solution to some of the more clunky phrases we have in English. For example, when I’m writing, it feels better to use “they” than to constantly repeat “he or she”.

      To my knowledge, I haven’t encountered people getting confused when I use the word “they” to refer to someone– I’m also a young adult, though. Then again, I usually only use ‘they’ in the following scenarios: if I don’t know someone’s pronouns, if I know they prefer the pronouns they/them, or as a replacement for the phrase “he or she”. I’m not totally sure why someone would continue to use ‘they’ if other pronouns have been confirmed.

      Those are just my thoughts, but I definitely understand the brain-switch thing– language can become really engrained and automatic. So I’m not sure there is really a solution– the singular ‘they’ is here to stay. But I also think that no one should be giving you a hard time about it, as long as you’re respectful of individual’s pronouns, which it sounds like you are.

      1. Melody Pond*

        +1 to this. I use “they” in the same scenarios you’ve described. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a scenario where someone used “they” for someone else who had already confirmed use of “he/him/his” pronouns. But I’m comfortable enough with use of “they” as a neutral singular, that I don’t think it would seriously trip me up, if it happened. Might take me a second for my comprehension to catch up, but I think that would happen fairly quickly.

        1. Someone else*

          Yeah. Usually what I encounter is either:
          consistent intentional use of “they” either because the speaker is just being vague or the speaker is intentionally not divulging the gender of the person being discussed
          consistent intentional use of “they” because the gender of the person being discussed is unknown
          consistent intentional use of “they” because that’s the known-preferred pronoun of a non-binary person being discussed
          or occasionally: someone starts a sentence using “they” (presumably because the intention was the first thing above) but then at some point slipped and got more specific later after originally intending not to

          1. Ann O.*

            I’ve encountered people using “they” intentionally as a singular pronoun for people whose pronouns are other (typically she/her or he/him but occasionally a different gender fluid one). I find it obnoxious. The idea is that it’s gender neutral and so okay, but I’m not gender neutral and that’s important to me.

            That’s a bit of a tangent, though. I do find singular “they” confusing for known people, even though I don’t find singular “they” confusing for unknown people. It took a while for this to click in for me because I couldn’t figure out why “they” seemed so natural most of the time, but occasionally felt so difficult. I work through this on my own, but I understand the OP’s point because I share the confusion. I wish ze/zir had become standardized as the gender neutral instead of singular “they,” but mostly I just want us all to agree on a limited set of specific pronouns (maybe for female, male, agender, genderfluid) and for people to understand that truly personal pronouns don’t work cognitively.

            1. Triplestep*

              I also find “singular they” much less sticky when the subject’s gender is unknown. It’s still a hiccup in my reading comprehension, but much less of an issue than when a different pronoun has already been used for the same person.

              My daughter (age 22) told me that in conversation, she would use “they” to refer to someone her conversation partner had identified as male or female if she did not personally know the person being spoken of. I have not actually heard her do this, mind you, but she seems to think it would be the considerate thing to do, and I suspect she’s not an anomaly in her age bracket.

      2. Triplestep*

        Thank you for this response. I can just about guarantee that people a generation older than you have been tripped up by your use of “singular they” in writing; Not everyone, certainly, and I also think that most of us who stumble on “singular they” re-set pretty quickly. That’s why you’d have no way of knowing that anyone had been momentarily confused.

        And honestly, I think most of us wouldn’t talk about it because understand the usage, and don’t want anyone to think that we’re not on board with it. I have a friend who is a high school English teacher; she is totally on board with “singular they”, and yet cringes the entire way through grading papers! I have another friend I met when our young-adult kids were in about 6th grade. She gets scolded by her kids when she occasionally forgets to use “they” in reference to their friends who we knew as children. We realized that referring to their transgender friends by the correct pro-noun is SO MUCH easier, even though we knew them as kids, too. I just think our brains just have their own grammar police that makes “they” much harder.

      3. Lindsay J*

        I wonder if it is regional or family specific like many other language quirks. Because, thinking about it, I do this a lot.

        If I don’t know someone’s gender, or don’t feel like scrolling up to double check in an online conversation, I use they. This is a conscious choice. In the past, I would have gone with my assumption, or guessed, but I’m more sensitive about potentially misgendering people these days.

        However, I also use it even when the gender is known. And I don’t know why. Like, I’ll say something like, “I just spoke to Sally. They’re going to the mall today. Her boots don’t fit so she needs to trade them in for a smaller size.” And I don’t know why I use “they” there. I guess I could be accounting for the idea that Sally might have other people joining her mall outing, or the idea that her gender isn’t important to that phrase. But, thinking about it, that’s really just how my mom speaks and I think I just picked it up from her.

        And the “they” substitutions I do when I know the gender, analyzing it, seem pretty specific. I only replace incidences of “he” or “she”, not “him” or “her”. And it’s always with a verb like, “doing” or “making” or “having”.

        So, in my case, pointing out that it’s confusing in general probably won’t have an effect because it’s something I do rather unconsciously. It would be like someone pointing out that saying “um” is annoying – it’s something I can attempt to cut down on, but won’t happen completely or immediately.

        If someone I interacted with a lot in person pointed out that they found it confusing, I would attempt to not do it around them. But I would have to take my time to pick my words correctly so as to not confuse them.

        I wouldn’t, however, have a problem with a person asking me to clarify who “they” was, at any point. I’m the one who is speaking imprecisely. And confusion can happen with singular pronouns as well. (“I just talked to Katie. She said that she and her friend Elaine are going to the mall later. Have you met Elaine before? Anyway, she needs to buy a dress for Michelle’s wedding in June. OMG I haven’t seen her in ages…”)

    3. Thlayli*

      I see what you’re saying. Even though singular they has been around for a long time, it’s use in the way you describe – when you already know someone uses he/she pronouns – is new. I understand it when you don’t know someone’s gender or preferred pronoun, but it can be very confusing to use it in the same paragraph as he or she when referring to the same person. Eg
      “Jane is a llama wrangler. She wrangles llamas. They want to switch to alpaca-wrangling.”

      In this example it is super confusing to use both she and they to refer to the same person. I think it’s the switching / lack of consistency that’s confusing rather than the specific words though.

      1. Triplestep*

        “Even though singular they has been around for a long time, it’s use in the way you describe – when you already know someone uses he/she pronouns – is new.”

        Yes! This is exactly what I am saying. And while it is the switching and lack of consistency that is more confusing, finding “they” where we expect to see “he” or “she” as we’re reading along, is also a bit sticky. I don’t know that anyone gets completely stuck on it to the point of no return! But I personally will use “he or she” if it fits, or I might just re-work the whole sentence so that neither “they” nor “he or she” is needed. I know that to my daughter (age 22) that last part seems to require too much work, but to me it comes pretty naturally.

        1. fposte*

          Okay, then that was my number 2–that “they” is being used as an acceptable variant for a singular pronoun. Just to be clear, though, you’re not suggesting that you replace it with “he or she” there, are you? You’d just like to keep to “She”?

          Then I do think it’s becoming more like “one” (less common in American English) or “you,” in that it’s natural in conversation to switch between the more general pronoun and the specific, e. g., “If you run into problems with the copier, I would call the help desk.” That would make me twitch in formal print, but I wouldn’t bat an eye at it in speech.

          1. Triplestep*

            I get why replacing “they” with “he or she” is not great because the latter still refers to a gender binary. “They” and “he or she” are not equal in that sense, which is why I said I’d use “he or she” if it fits. More often I’ll re-work so that neither is needed. And yes, this is only in writing, similar to your “one” example. I don’t often use “singular they” while speaking, but I don’t think I’ve ever used it in writing.

            1. fposte*

              Ah, interesting; I’m not sure I’ve seen that one, or at least noticed it. I think it’s something a reader could adapt to, but I’m with you that people probably should stay textbook/stylebook on pronouns in formal communication if they’re seeking advantage from it.

            2. Chaordic One*

              Supposedly, “he” is the default choice and is meant to include both genders, but when it is used many women understandably feel that it excludes them, as do people who identify as a combination of both genders or neither gender.

              I recall once reading a science fiction novel where the default choice was “she” and all human beings, regardless of gender, were referred to as being “women” because their species reproduced by means of the womb. (As opposed to being hatched from eggs, I guess.)

              “They” it will be. It does seem kind of awkward and clunky, but hopefully it will seem more natural as time goes by.

              1. Triplestep*

                As a student in Architecture School (thirty years ago) I tried to get people to see how detrimental gendered language was in the building trades. It was not well-received. In my first job at an architecture firm, I wrote an entire specification without the words “he, him or his”. I even removed references to work being “performed in a workmanlike manner” which is standard spec language! I told no one – it was my little secret. I thought I was literally “sticking it to the man” in an underground way, but I don’t think anyone noticed!

        2. Lissa*

          Your first sentence, yeah! I notice that any time this topic comes up, even if it’s not someone saying “nobody should use it because it’s not grammatically correct” a lot of people instantly reply with “but it’s been around for centuries!” and its’ like, ok yes, that is technically true, but that doesn’t mean it’s been used in the same way it is today, or that it’s particularly relevant to how we’re used to hearing it today. I think that argument only really works against people who are specifically saying “it is not Proper Grammar and so should be abolished.”

          I think the speed of language changed has increased *a lot* due to the Internet, which means it can be difficult to keep up, and it also can get really personal really fast. I have a hard time understanding what is being said on some tumblr posts, for instance. I don’t “hate young people” (god, I’m only 34) but I literally cannot parse what is meant, so I tend to skip over it unless there is a necessity for me to read it.

          You are asking interesting questions but I think it’s hard to have it without people thinking you’re trying to backdoor-complain about gender fluidity or “kids these days”.

          1. Triplestep*

            Yes! To everything you’ve written here. And you have articulated why I really dislike the “It’s been around for centuries” POV, something I have not been able to put into words.

    4. Junior Dev*

      Is this an example of what you’re talking about?

      “Fergus’s girlfriend is coming over next week, I’m a little nervous because I haven’t met them yet.”

      (Where “them” refers to the girlfriend, who generally uses she pronouns)

      I think sometimes it’s just a habit or a slip–I get used to referring to a “hypothetical person” (“someone left their wallet here, I hope they come back for it”) as “they” and somehow my brain misplaces a person whose identity is known but who I haven’t met in that category. Or it could happen for any other reason. If it’s happening in speech or informal text, like instant messaging, I’d chalk it up to “person isn’t thinking too hard about it and goes to the default pronoun by accident.”

      1. Triplestep*

        Yes, good example. Actually I might read it and think momentarily that you had not met either Fergus or his girlfriend. The “them” in the second part of the sentence might refer to two people: Fergus and his GF.

        Heh, I know there are probably people rolling their eyes that I might make that mistake. I am here to tell you I am not alone!

      2. Not Alison*

        Or how about this example – they left their wallets here and you need to stay until they come back for them. How many people are coming back – one or more than one? (Or if wallets seems to be a bad example because people generally only carry one wallet at a time, substitute “books” or “cats” or “kids”.)

        If the qualifier is “someone”, then I am not confused by the singular they, but if there is no qualifier or if the prior qualifier uses a gender, then, yes, I am confused.

        1. Triplestep*

          Now that you mention it, this is so true! “Someone” vs. “they” as a qualifier makes a huge difference in how I’d hear that sentence.

    5. matcha123*

      I’ve used “they” from at least middle school, if not elementary school. I’m 34, btw.
      Typically if I’ve introduced a person, I will use “they” and “he/she” interchangeably. I don’t know, I don’t really put much thought into it. It’s been something I’ve been doing for literal decades.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, I do the same. It’s sloppy speaking, at least for me. I am pretty sure I have done it here, where I try to scroll up and find the person’s preferred pronoun and I can’t find the pronoun. OTH, sometimes the OP is talking about a second party and I lose sight of the pronoun for that party entirely because someone typed he and meant she and now I am confused. Or perhaps I have seen the second party referred to as he AND she and at this point I tend to believe I am not the only one who has lost which pronoun to use.

        IRL, I tend to use they when I am tired. If I had enough of me left I would pick the correct pronoun but it’s the end of the day and my brain has gone to bed even though my body is still moving about trying to finish up things. Again, sloppy speech with added fatigue.

        1. Lissa*

          It only tends to confuse me when there are multiple people being spoken about – then I really can get tangled. But I get the same way when someone refers to people by letters rather than names, I can’t keep track of who A, B, C are whereas I have no trouble figuring out Amy, Ben and Chris.

      2. Lindsay J*

        Same. I’m 32.

        When I think about it, I’m almost positive that my mother does the same thing and that’s where I picked it up from.

        I seem to use it only when it’s prior to some form of progressive-tense verb.

        They’re going to the mall today. They’re going to make pasta for dinner. They’re spending the week in Rome.

    6. KayEss*

      If someone in an influencer position in my life (by which I mean “holding power over my financial future”) was “confused” by singular they and somehow managed to articulate that feedback to me in a non-condescending manner, I would attempt to be suitably clear in subsequent communication… but it would absolutely also cause me to think less of them, just like I think less of people who still put two spaces after a period.

      1. Triplestep*

        If you’re interested, you can see my other posts here on the subject of why you would not likely be told anyone was tripped up over your use of “they” in the singular.

        I tend to doubt anyone is going to be outright confused by the neutral use of “they”. My question was about altering the practice of using “they” where it’s technically not needed, or using it in one sentence and then referring to the same person with a different pronoun in the next. If that is something you do – and then harshly judge someone a generation older than you for being at all confused by it – the feeling is probably mutual!

        1. KayEss*

          What you’re describing isn’t an inherent problem with singular they and its use, it’s a problem with pronoun consistency within a sentence. Yes, that can cause grammatical clarity issues–the same way a subject/verb agreement error or verb tense confusion can cause grammatical clarity issues. These are things that, in a professional setting, can be addressed by the editorial process, and in an informal setting, can be addressed with a simple clarifying question. Couching it as “singular they is so confusing!” is absolutely going to make me assume that the critic is out of touch and, more significantly, is not a safe person to talk casually about gender, sexuality, and social justice issues around. Sorry if that’s not the impression you want to convey, but them’s the breaks.

          1. Triplestep*

            I’m going to assume you skimmed the OP, and haven’t read many (any?) of my other responses here. Sorry if that’ not the impression you want to convey, but …

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I sometimes use they for someone who has specific pronouns if I don’t want anyone to know who I’m talking about. Example: if I’m telling a story about someone that may have identifiable details, and saying “he” or “she” or “zir” or whatever would spark recognition in someone’s mind, I’ll use they. I also use it if I’m just speaking in general. It took me a while to get used to it, but he/she is so damn awkward, and we really don’t have anything better in English.

      1. Triplestep*

        My daughter did this in a recent conversation with me when she didn’t want me to figure out who she was talking about. I eventually figured out who she was talking about anyway; I think she was surprised that it was easy to tell she was trying to protect someone’s identity because “they = neutral” comes much more naturally to her than it does to me. I suspect the “neutral they” pronouns would have rolled off her tongue had she not been trying to hide who she was talking about, but it was extremely laborious for her to get all the “they”s and “them”s and “their”s right for someone who uses male pronouns.

    8. FD*

      English is sort of a mess in terms of gender. We mostly have dropped gender (e.g. most nouns and adjectives don’t have gender, with a few holdovers like fiance/fiancee), except when we do.

      I think what you’re seeing is actually three different uses of ‘they’.

      1. Used as a gender-neutral personal pronoun for a person who doesn’t identify with any gender (e.g. “Bob has said that they will go to the party”)
      2. Used as a singular pronoun when the gender of the subject is not known (e.g. “If the last guest arrives, see that they find their seat”)
      3. Used to indicate generalization even if the generation is known (e.g. “I know we have a new intern, but I haven’t met them yet”)

      It is a bit goofy that we’re using the same pronoun for all three cases, but cases 2-3 have been common for a while and singular vs. plural can usually be determined from context. In terms of case 1, since singular they has been around for a while, it’s easier to use it for this situation than to invent new pronouns (though that has also been suggested).

      1. Triplestep*

        In example no.1, it’s a given that “they” would be used as a person’s preferred pronoun, but I would not characterize no.2 and no.3 as equally accepted uses of “singular they”. I think no. 2 is the usage that is pointed to most to justify that we don’t need a new word – growing up, I heard it used similar to the way it’s used in your example (although my grammar-stickler mother made sure I knew it was not correct!) But I don’t think that no.3 has been common for as long, and it still sounds odd to ear, and to that of many others. If we know the intern is female, we’re going to say we haven’t met her yet!

    9. Trillian*

      I’ve used singular they on occasions when gender has been established in an attempt to avoid a derail into gender issues when they’re not relevant, with audiences who are prone to such a derail. By saying he … they … they, or she … they … they, I try to keep focus on the behaviour or the situation rather than on the gender of the participants.

      1. Extra Vitamins*

        I’ve used it this way quite often. I’ve taught classes that are very gender-imbalanced, and it avoids singling out the sometimes sole member of one sex.

    10. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I think that English’s pronoun situation is just awkward in general. Strictly speaking, we do have a singular neuter pronoun…which also implies that the target is non-human (it). Meanwhile, we only have one collective pronoun. You can refer to Fergus and Wakeen, Jane and Lucinda, or Jane and Fergus with “they.” You can even refer to Jane’s and Fergus’s cats or Wakeen’s Hanukkah balls as “they.”

      So until English itself acknowledges that the gender binary is outdated and creates a singular neutral pronoun that doesn’t implicitly negate the target’s humanity, “they” is probably the best solution. It’s not wholly proper grammar (I’m 20 years younger than you and I learned the same thing in school – and that I should use “he” if gender was not implicit), but it works well enough.

      Specific to this site – I think that for a lot of people, refuting the standard gender assumptions is important. For example, most of the bosses in letters are female, and I know a few commenters have really appreciated that, since the “standard” is that men are in charge.

    11. oranges & lemons*

      Personally I appreciate the gender-neutral “they” both for practical reasons (avoiding “he or she,” because as a non-binary pronoun it can be more natural for people to pick up) and philosophical ones. I don’t like how gender-focused the English language is and I don’t like having to make assumptions about the genders of strangers to be able to talk about them, or address them in a polite way.

      On the other hand, I realize that “they” isn’t perfect and can create ambiguity. In an ideal world I’d appreciate if a dedicated third-person neutral pronoun existed that everyone was willing to use, but “they” seems like a decent compromise to me.

    12. LilySparrow*

      I completely agree that switching back and forth between a gendered pronoun and “they” to refer to the same person is confusing.

      It’s sloppy writing, or a lack of editing, just like changing verb tenses or using mixed metaphors.

      But that’s pretty typical on forum posts. Particularly if the poster is making a point that isn’t about gender identity, but about some other topic in which they are engrossed. Sometimes it’s just too time-consuming to scroll all the way back up to check pronouns.

      I certainly wouldn’t expect to see that kind of switcheroo in formal, professional writing or a polished blog post. Social media and forum discussions are informal and conversational. Those sorts of minor errors are to be expected.

  37. Fiennes*

    Okay, best way to train dogs not to bark all the time? The newbie wants us to know anytime (a) a car drives by (b) another dog barks (c) the wind blows (d) the moon is in the sky (e) the moon is not in the sky (f) somewhere, halfway across the world, a butterfly flaps its wings (g) and so on. I can’t stomach the idea of those collars that hurt the dog when it barks, and besides, if somebody were breaking in, I’d want the bark! But how do we get to some kind of equilibrium?

    If relevant: the dog is a spaniel mix (cocker and King Charles).

    1. Ali G*

      This worked for me. When he starts to bark: “Thank you!” then shake a plastic container with some loose change in it. This will get his attention and he should look at you and stop barking. When he does that tell him he’s good and give him a treat. The trick is to catch him as soon as (or even before if you can) he starts barking. Eventually you should just be able to say “Thank you!” (or whatever you want – just be consistent and say it in an upbeat way) and he should stop. Work up to it, so once he consistently redirects from the change shaking, try to eliminate it, but still give him treats, then slowly eliminate the treats.
      You are right to nip it in the bud early – good luck!

      1. serena vanderwoodsen*

        This is solid advice. I’m going to try it with my hound mix, who has recently realized how fun it is to bark at passers-by while running from window to window.

    2. Anonerson*

      Like Ali G said, the key is redirection. It’s easier for a dog to learn a new behavior than to unlearn an existing one. If you provide a consistent distraction every time your dog gets the urge to bark, you’ll teach them to use that as an outlet instead of the barking.

      The change-shaking method is a good idea. Another suggestion, and what worked for my dog, is to train your dog to fetch a particular toy or ball every time they bark. Eventually, when they have the impulse to bark, they’ll fetch the toy instead – and because they’re carrying the toy in their mouth, they won’t bark.

      Good luck!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My current dog is very strange. He never barks, except at me.

      But my previous dog was going to protect me from every squirrel, bird, small child or horse in the area. I ended up looking out the window with him and then telling him, “It’s okay”. He caught on very quickly. The one disadvantage was I had to go to the window. The advantage was ANYONE could tell him “It’s okay” and he would allow himself to be comforted by that and stop barking. As he aged this worked so well.

    4. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      My little hound started barking this summer. Every night. Endlessly. But it was only when we weren’t in the room, because what he was really trying to do was get me to come in and snuggle with him, without my husband :/ Since he was fine when one of us was in the room, we couldn’t try many of the standard training tips so I finally broke down and got him a bark collar. But he’s sweet as shy and easily startled, so I just found one that beeped when he barked. One little beep, escalating to two, then three, then finally a vibration like a phone ringing. We put it on, he barked, it beeped, and he stopped. I think we have had to take it out once since then! Only side effect is that he leaves the room when someone curses on TV and it gets bleeped, but I knew that I didn’t hurt or scare him, and the problem is solved! I got the collar on Amazon for probably less than twenty dollars.

  38. Not So NewReader*

    I have a friend who wants to sell her collection of porcelain collectables online. She is not doing it as a business, she just wants to downsize and still get a decent price.

    She is not sure if she wants to use ebay. And she is concerned about method of payment. She is concerned people will want to use their credit cards. She thought about Paypal but she got stuck because it seemed so encumbered.

    I said I would ask you guys because you all would know the latest and easiest way to do something. So it’s a collection of porcelain items, some are worth a few dollars and some are worth 100s of dollars. I’d guess there is at least 50 of them, probably closer to 100.

    How would you go about doing this?

    1. fposte*

      I’m curious to hear people’s responses myself. However, from what you’re describing, I think she has a choice–change her mind on credit cards/PayPal or consign her items to a dealer. Selling online without taking credit is, IMHO, doomed.

      I personally lean toward the consignment, because the time it will take to handle a bunch of little items–little, delicate items that need to be carefully packed and boxed–is extreme, plus buyers are often little, delicate items as well :-).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, this is what I told her I did with my husband’s trains. I did not want to be responsible for packing and shipping. She wants to make sure this is her best choice, though. She knows she has to take credit cards, I guess her question is “how?”.

    2. WellRed*

      Honestly I think a dealer is the best bet. They can also tell her realistically what she might get. Unless she has some really rare spectaclular pieces, getting decent money for porcelain collectibles, especially online, seems iffy.

    3. AnotherJill*

      Any type of collectibles can be really difficult to sell. Unless she has really rare items that are much sought after, selling on ebay will be a pain, probably requiring a lot of relisting. Not accepting credit cards will likely not get her very far, either.

      If there is some place to consign them, that is likely her best move. She could also call some local antique/thrift shops and see if they want to buy them in bulk.

      1. AnotherJill*

        If you accept credit cards you have to pay fees. For example, I used to do a lot via paypal and had to pay fees each time the buyer used a credit card.

        1. Red Reader*

          Ah – everyone I know who’s sold stuff online via square or whatnot just bumped their prices up a skitch to make up for it.

          1. Bea*

            Yeah that’s the normal thing to do, you know how much the fees will be, it’s a percentage of the total. So yeah, instead of asking for $20, just ask for $25 and you’ll be fine. Not taking credit cards for any reason makes your options for selling anything very limited.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The problem is getting the card verified as a good card and getting the payment to the bank. It’s not the people, she knows the people will want to use their cards and she is not seeing an easy way to do that, since she is a private individual and not a business.

        1. Red Reader*

          Square! (square dot com.) they’ll send her a free reader for in-person sales, but online she can send an invoice as well. My housemate used Square to pay me her portion of the bills a couple of times, if she needed to float it on a credit card for a day or two until payday.

    5. Someone else*

      Her choice is mostly between: do the easiest thing (which will likely not result in the most money) or do the thing that has the chance of resulting in more money (but which takes more effort).
      If she’s just decluttering but also doesn’t want to straight donate/trash them, then selling it all directly to say an antique store or consignment or something like that will be fastest/easiest.
      If she wants to get every single penny she can for each individual item, ebay is probably best, but then she pretty much needs to deal with paypal, AND has to deal with shipping, AND potentially whiny people if stuff gets smashed in shipping, AND if she has no feedback as a seller she might have a harder time selling it in the first place,etc etc. So if she doesn’t have experience with it and isn’t intending to make it a side-business, the ebay route is probably more hassle than it’s worth. The decision for me would not really be sticking on the payment method issue. It’s more about the level of effort involved in selling individual items (or even bundling some together to try to maximize profit) and doing multiple sales and whatnot, vs just trying to find one buyer to give her cash for the whole lot.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        And this is where I land, too. That is why I went to a middle person for selling my husband’s trains on ebay.

        I grew concerned because I thought she would chew up her profits in shipping costs and in lost time. But anyway, I said I would ask you guys because you guys would know if we were missing something here.

        I see we are not missing anything. So I will tell my friend to either go local or go with an intermediary for online sales. You guys do give me one idea that I had not thought of. She could sell the cheaper pieces as a batch to a local dealer and bring the more expensive pieces to the online person. She might like this idea.

        Thanks, all, for thinking along here with me. This is a good friend who is dealing with the idea of downsizing because of age. It’s tough to let go and nice to have inputs from others before proceeding. Thanks, again.

    6. paul*

      Is she in a large area? I’m a huge fan of FB selling. Even in a smaller city like ours, I’ve sold tons of stuff on FB. Just meet up somewhere public (I like the police station parking lot).

  39. Serena*

    I moved to London about a year and half ago for my masters. During my studies it was reasonably easy to be social since you basically have a ready-made social group in your classmates etc., but after graduating at the end of last year my social circle has been thinning out. A lot of students in my course were international students like me, and have moved back to their home countries, which I probably also would’ve done if I hadn’t found a job in my field (UK immigration laws are pretty strict).

    Obviously I know I’m lucky to be able to stay, but I’m starting to feel strangely isolated. It’s not like being in a new city, so I’m already familiar with my surroundings and the lifestyle, which I guess is a good thing, but more and mor often I have moments of “it’d be nice to have dinner with so-and-so this weekend…oh wait they live in Denmark now”.

    Anyone else been in the ‘not need to th place but still would like to meet new people’ situation?

    1. PX*

      Similar! I moved to a new city about 2 years ago and met a few people straight off, then had a long stretch of not really making much effort. Decided after a few months that I wanted to branch out, so did a couple of things – Bumble (app) for BFF mode (assuming you are a woman, dont think that exists for men?). Alternatively I’m sure there are other friend making apps out there.

      And then ofcourse, the tried and tested methods of
      1)meetup.com – find groups you are interested in and start going for events
      or
      2)start/rejoin a hobby that (hopefully) has a social element to it!

      Alternatively, depending on your work (big company/small company), you might want to try and see if there are any social things you could do with coworkers (assuming you are happy to mix the two!).

  40. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    I’m so excited. I have psoriasis and I’ve been working for months to get it to where I’m comfortable with only a sheer foundation/tinted moisturizer. And I’m there! So I’m treating myself to a brow wax and tint this week and a lash lift next weekend. I’m extremely low maintenance, so this should be perfect for me. Put on a tinted moisturizer, tinted lip balm, mascara and I’m done!

    Plus, I’ve worked so hard to get my skin to a state where the psoriasis isn’t noticeable and I don’t want to cover it all up.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Thanks! I’ve managed to be lucky and able to take care of it with skincare stuff. But I know that’s not the case for everyone. It’s been slow going and an insane amount of trial and error.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Fun fact: it is possible that your gut bacteria have something to do with your condition. I came across a study linking a bacterium called Enterococcus gallinarum (among others, according to a number of studies) to the autoimmune response. Link to come in the reply.

      2. TheLiz*

        Just a heads up: a lot of people with chronic illness es find this *super* annoying. they will get it from their doctors, from people who don’t believe in their illness(es), from parents, from friends, from grocery store clerks….

        I absolutely get they this is coming from a place of being kind and wanting to help, but this kind of suggestion can get really wearing, in a way that’s not obvious to someone outside the situation. Just a heads-up.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          Thank you for the warning! I will take care for the future (though I admit I’m a little surprised that microbiome meddling with health in not-direct ways is that common knowledge. It was news to me, and the fact that antibiotics can reduce autoimmune symptoms seemed… promising? for me at time of reading that article). I do hope I offended no one.

          On a different note, I can’t wrap my head around the concept of “not believing in an illness” when the science is clear. It’s like saying “I dont believe in gravity!” Will that make me float somehow? /smh

          1. TheLiz*

            It’s not the specific, it’s “have you heard?! X new study exists! Yoga/yoghurt/chia seeds will cure you”

  41. GBBO!*

    Netflix (UK) put up all seven seasons of Great British Bake Off (the BBC ones) around Easter and I’m so happy about that! I’ve already watched all the episodes (some more than once) but it’s such a soothing thing to have on in the background most of the time.

    Love most of the contestants (and the ones I don’t love tend to leave pretty early anyway, not sure if personality and baking ability are linked lol). Also really love Mel and Sue (I know people’s opinions are divided about them, but I’m definitely in the pro camp!)

    Plus I’m trying to eat healthier so to compensate for not being able to eat all the pretty pasties I’m really enjoying watching people make them!

    1. Kat*

      I too am watching Bake Off on Netflix! I didn’t see the earlier series when they were on TV, so I’ve gone back to watch those. It’s definitely relaxing and cosy. I love Mel & Sue as well, they’re fab and share my sense of humour.

      1. GBBO!*

        I only started watching ‘live’ from season 4 (with Frances, Ruby, etc.). Watching season 1 was SO weird! Different voiceover guy, location changing every week, Paul and Mary being in the tent when the technical challenge was happening (even thought they’re still ‘judged blind’), Mel and Sue being so much more toned-down than later, no star baker, eliminating 2 people at a time in the first few weeks…the list goes on.

        Season 2 changed a lot but still didn’t feel quite the same, I think from season 3 they found their ‘tone’ and it doesn’t change too much from that point on until the shift to Channel 4.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Dammit, Netflix US, GET WITH THE TIMES. I really need more Bake Off. There was talk of PBS bringing in the older series (we started with #4 in the US, I think?) but nothing seems to have come of that. I love re-watching my old “friends”, but I need a jolt of more Bake Off.

      1. GBBO!*

        The US ‘series’ numbers confuse me so much! There’s at least one that’s out of order (like the 2012 season was series 2 while the 2013 one was series 1?) or something?

      2. Loopy*

        Ditto! I’m seriously considering buying some seasons on DVD with upcoming birthday money (if I get it). I tore through the four seasons on U.S Netflix.

    4. Zen Cohen*

      Me too! I’ve been having a few mentally tough weeks and it is such a balm on my weary soul to have it on in the backgrounds. The pacing, the mood, and the stakes are all right in my sweet spot.

      I haven’t started to dive into actually creating pastries but I have been inspired to start making my own pizza from scratch. It’s worked out so well so far!

    5. Roja*

      I’ve just started watching those this week and now I’m hooked, but I’m in the US and Netflix only has seasons 4 up. I hope they hurry up and acquire them because I want to watch them all!

    6. periwinkle*

      So completely jealous! We just have four seasons available in the U.S. I’ve seen most of Season 3 through less than legal means but those sites are hazardous to use for many reasons. Darn it, BBC, release the first three seasons for sale and I will pay all the money to purchase them! I really want to see John/James/Brandon again.

      I’ve pretty much memorized the 4 seasons available in the U.S.

      Is it just me, or have you ever debated with yourself about which contestants with whom you’d like to hang out at the pub or spend an afternoon baking? The producers did such a good job selecting likeable people, which is such a refreshing change from the usual reality show criteria of OMG DRAMA.

      1. GBBO!*

        Yup! Considering the biggest dramas on the show were when one contestant accidentally used another’s custard, and when one contestant accidentally let another’s ice cream melt on the counter…definitely not typical ‘reality show DRAMA’ haha.

        I totally fell in love with Ruby during season 4 (for some reason I seem to really like the contestants who seem to divide people, Ian from season 6 was another one). Other contestants I loved were John, James and Kathryn (Season 3), Frances (Season 4), Martha and Richard (Season 5), Tamal, Mat, Flora and Nadiya (Season 6), Selasi and Andrew (Season 7).

        The Season 1 and 2 contestants didn’t leave much of an impression, although I do remember Robert from Season 2 being absolutely gorgeous (he featured on a Christmas episode last year, and caused quite a stir on Twitter lol).

  42. Ruth (UK)*

    So I ran my half marathon last Sunday in 2:14:20, which is slower than last year, but quicker than I thought I would (for those who missed my original post, life happened and I basically did no training but went for it anyway).

    It was actually really good, and I had a great chat for about 7 miles with this woman I met on the course. I just wore a regular (analogue) wristwatch and didn’t really worry too much about the timing etc.

    It was also pretty perfect weather for it – around 12 degrees (C.) and a little misty in the morning but not lots, but with no rain. So I was warm enough in shorts and t-shirt but not overheating. For anyone who trained properly, it was probably perfect PB weather.

    2. Junior Dev*

      Oh, congratulations! I haven’t done distance running so I don’t know what that time means but I’m impressed you did it without training.

      I love having conversations with other cyclists when I’m riding my bike, it’s one of my favorite things about biking.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        I might not be quite right on this, but as far as I know/cant tell, I would say my time is good/decent for a woman of my age (late 20s) but not amazing or anything to especially boast about. It’s the sort of time one might expect a relatively fit young woman to achieve with adequate but not intense training/preparation.

        I cycle quite a lot (about 70-80 miles per week) in commuting but pretty much never cycle for pleasure. ie. I never cycle for the sake of going for a cycle ride – only as a mode of transport. The reason I clock up so many miles is that my regular work commute is a little under 5 miles each way, so I’m doing almost 10 miles a day just for that, before I go anywhere else.

        However, I don’t think I’ve ever chatted to another cyclist! Except occasionally when I’m cycling with someone I know. I’ve made basic small-talk at the bike-locking area at work but that’s about it. Might be my area or the type of cycling I’m doing (commuting, not leisure).

    3. Kat*

      Well done! That’s a great achievement. It sounds quick to me! I’m running my first 10k at the end of May and today forced myself to run four miles. This is definitely inspiring for me!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Good luck in your 10k! If you ran 4 miles today, you will absolutely be fine doing a 10k in May!

        1. Kat*

          Oh gosh I hope so! I was up to about that distance in June, but then hurt my leg. I haven’t done further than 4 miles since so I’ve been a bit apprehensive (I’m a slow runner too).

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            Seconding what Ruth said. I never ran much more than four miles before running my first 10K. I was really apprehensive of running that far. It turned out to be no sweat at all. There’s often an adrenaline factor when you run a race that helps carry you through. More than that, it planted a seed in my head to run even longer distances. 36 half marathons later… :-)

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Awesome! Congratulations. 2:14:20 is pretty good for a half by absolute standards and pretty incredible for lacking an opportunity to train this time around.

    5. CheeryO*

      Great job! You definitely have some natural talent to be able to run 2:14 without much training.

    6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Dude, that’s awesome! Congrats on getting through it and on having fun!

  43. Penelope*

    So…awkward question. I’m part of a clothes swap group and it’s been a good time (and cost saving!) ‘refreshing’ the wardrobe from time to time. Obviously we have ground rules on cleanliness etc, and then there’s the size question. Obviously for th exchange to be effective, we have to be of aronndt he same size, but recently one member has been putting on weight (and not due to pregnancy) and it’s been awkward getting stuff back that’s been stretched or otherwise misshapen. Thing is it can be touchy subject to bring up (since we’re not sure how aware she is of this change and no one wants to say anything).

    Would it be easier just to call the whole thing off?

    1. Junior Dev*

      I don’t think this actually has anything to do with clothing size per se–it sounds like it’s a clothing quality issue. If a lot of the clothes are so stretched out they’re unwearable, then you could address it with her on those terms. Don’t bring up her weight.

      If it’s only a few articles of clothing, or if the damage is within the range of what you allow clothes to have anyway, I’d let it go. Make sure you don’t have a double standard for this–if people regularly bring in clothes that have some mild damage, scuff marks, loose threads, that kind of thing, I’d try to make sure what she is bringing is truly worse than that before saying anything.

    3. D. Llama*

      I thought in a swap you owned the new clothes, not returned them. Perhaps that’s a method you could use? Otherwise, a gentle but direct conversation is in order.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        In our swap group, a lot of garments come back after a season or a year for various reasons (didn’t end up wearing, wore too much and want a change). Some items have made their way around to almost everyone at one point or another.

        What we do with stuff that’s too old, doesn’t fit anyone correctly, or not a good look anymore, is collect in the donate pile. (Some people bring stuff specifically to donate since they were already cleaning out their closet.) Someone takes charge of dealing with the donations in exchange for the tax receipt. It sounds like that’s what will happen to any clothes that are still donate-worthy but no one wants. If they’re not re-wearable, many donation centers do textile recycling too.

    4. Cristina in England*

      I’m not sure what you mean when you say “getting stuff back”. Do you get your own stuff back that you previously swapped away? Apart from that one phrase, I thought that you meant she was bringing clothes to swap that she had stretched out in that awkward period before you’re big enough for maternity clothes but you don’t really fit in your prepregnancy clothes.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Sorry my page didn’t refresh when I thought it had- I missed the earlier reply asking the same thing

  44. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Friends, it’s been a roller coaster of a week. I had to travel to San Francisco for the Place We Do Not Mention, and the first half of that trip was an awful mess of cringey corporate cheerleading, but the second half I unexpectedly got some free time, and got to rent a bicycle and ride through Golden Gate Park one day, then out to the Golden Gate Bridge the next morning around sunrise. I’m so glad I did those things, but I got basically no sleep the entire week (hence: biking at sunrise) and was unable to really participate in a lot of things as a result. I slept on the plane home and then slept for about 12 hours once I got home.

    Yesterday I had the day off and I did a bunch of errands and didn’t take my anxiety meds and got burned out by the end. I didn’t panic, I just got really tired. I want to change the dose on my meds but my psychiatrist is not calling me back.

    I’m proud of exercising on the business trip and of getting some cleaning and self care done yesterday. I got a massage and it really helped.

    How are you doing?

    1. Fiennes*

      I had several bad anxiety days in a row, as did my partner, so we couldn’t comfort each other and spent some time getting on each other’s nerves. But I came out of the worst of it a couple of days ago, and he did yesterday, and we’re mostly proud we got through it okay. Sometimes that’s the victory.

    2. BRR*

      I’m continuing to have a tough time finding the right anti depressant. My current one has helped my mood but has wrecked my sleep. I’m on the lowest doesage right now and it’s now the tough choice of sleep vs. mood. I seem to get side effects with every medication and am just exhausted from constantly trying new things.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I can relate to this. I also have had to try a bunch of different meds to get the right one. You aren’t alone and you don’t have to put up with intolerable side effects. Can you talk to your doctor about it?

    3. Anon for This*

      I’m having trouble with health anxiety. I’ve been talking to my therapist about it but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I worry about lifestyle things. Like today I was seized with fears about diabetes even though my blood sugar were in the (high) normal range at my last physical. Not sure what to do about it. My brain tells me these fears are rationale but I’m not sure that’s true.

    4. Anon for This*

      I’m struggling with health anxiety. It’s anxiety about lifestyle things, which I feel intensely guilty about. It started when my blood pressure was high at the doctors (turns out it’s normal at home – I’m just terrified at the doctor), which threw me into an anxiety spiral. And then today I started feeling anxious about having diabetes because my A1C was in the high normal range at my last physical. Not sure what to do about it – it’s starting to interfere though.

      1. Anon for This*

        Sorry for hte double post – I thought my comment didn’t go through the first time.

    5. Lissa*

      The nicer weather is seriously doing me a world of good. I think my SAD comes on so slowly I rarely notice it until I’m in it, but then it lifts over the course of a couple weeks and I’m like…how did I not see this? I’m on part time “vacation” for the next little bit (only working a few days a week) which is bad for the finances but means I can get back into healthy habits and getting out and about!

  45. Kat*

    I went on my Berlin trip last weekend! It was great and I walked around a lot. I only went to one museum because funds, but I saw Nefertiti’s bust, which was fab, plus loads of other interesting bits and pieces.

    Weird thing: guy I am really into (and who before Xmas said we should stop hanging out and being physical before ‘someone gets hurt’) surprised me buy joining me on Saturday. He basically went to an airport not close to him, paid quite a bit of money and flew to a different country to see me. Confused? Yes. But it was so much fun. We went for dinner and cocktails and went to the park and had beer and other stuff… I was so sad when we had to go home. I kind of wish he hadn’t done it because all my feelings are stirred up again (they hadn’t gone but I was doing a good job of ignoring them because he lives far from me anyway), but at the same time it was so good to be together again. Not quite sure what the next move should be. :(

    1. Lily Evans*

      So this guy broke things off with you, knowing you still had feelings for him, and then crashed your vacation? I’m glad you had fun and his appearance didn’t ruin it, but that behavior is so not cool. He’s blatantly playing games. The next move should be cutting him off and moving on.

      1. Kat*

        We weren’t together, we just would meet up and hang out for weekends and stuff. It’s as much my fault because I’ve never really spoken to him about it. I guess I didn’t want to in case we ended up breaking it off altogether. I could easily have put a stop to it too but I didn’t want to. I’m not sure if he knows I have feelings, to be honest. He’s a decent guy, I think he’s just a bit emotionally immature and thinks it’s just a fun thing we do. I should tell him… but I am not in the frame of mind to do it. I will just back off a bit again, I guess. :(

    2. JenM*

      Yeah I’m not sure I’d see that as a nice gesture. Its like he saw you moving on and decided to mess with your head a bit. I may be paranoid but it’s a bit of a red flag for me. My advice would be to maintain radio silence.

      1. Kat*

        I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think I’m just a bit unable to see this as objectively as I would were someone else to post it. Which is why this helps! I am a bit sad I didn’t get to have my solo trip as planned, but maybe by the end of it I’d have been fed up of my own company.

  46. Rhymetime*

    My question is about navigating a personal relationship which is why it’s in the weekend thread, with the work-related background as context.

    I remain friends with someone I used to work with. We have both moved on to new jobs. While we still worked together, he met his girlfriend as a co-worker, and I’ve now come to know her as well.

    He resigned from our former workplace a couple months before I did, saying it was for a reason he didn’t want to discuss. Before my own departure recently, a female co-worker approached me to share that he was allowed to resign rather than be fired for saying inappropriate things objectifying women. While he didn’t pressure anyone for sex—he was hesitant about professional boundaries when his now-girlfriend first pursued him—whatever he said around other women was serious enough that our human resources team launched an investigation.

    It’s shocking news for me and has really shaken my opinion of someone I care a lot about. In a million years, I would never have thought my friend capable of such behavior. I’m female myself and horrified.

    The first woman approached me saying that she hoped that because he and I are friends, perhaps I can find a way to help him grow past this and change how he views women and how he speaks about them. I think she genuinely meant to be helpful. This news prompted me to ask someone else I trust, and from her I learned that the HR investigation involved conversations with several women who complained.

    So now I’m wrestling with what to do with the information. It’s really changed how I view my friend. I feel like I’m carrying around a secret that he is unaware that I know, and I just don’t know what to do with it. I can’t help but wonder if his girlfriend knows what happened—I realize it’s not my place to say something to her and I won’t do that of course—but it’s one more uncomfortable thing I’m keeping to myself.

    I can’t undo how this has colored my opinion of him. What to do now? Look for an opening to bring it up at a later time when I’ve had some time to sit with everything? Distance myself? I really don’t know how to proceed from here.

    1. SH*

      I don’t think you’re wrong for having a different opinion about someone now that you know this information, and I think it’s reasonable that it’s changing your interactions with him. I don’t think you should bring it up to the girlfriend unless she initiates the conversation with you, though.

      I think if you’re friends with him, you could ask him how he felt about it – maybe there are parts of the story that the woman didn’t include. I don’t want this to be perceived that you shouldn’t believe women when they make complaints about sexual harassment, but also I acknowledge that he might have a perspective, or backstory, they didn’t include for any number of reasons.

      There’s also a chance that, especially if you’ve never had this experience with him, he could have not known it was wrong or not realized the gravity of his actions. If you brought this up and he went “Yeah, I really messed up, and I’m trying to be better, and [here are some reasons].” Would that make you feel any better?

      1. Rhymetime*

        If I worked at a different workplace where I had less faith in the HR team, I might question things more. That said, I’m sure he has his own perspective on what actually happened.

        Yes, your last paragraph about having new awareness is what I would hope for. Everyone has their journeys of growth and learning, and I’m including myself and my own behavior in that. I think my difficulty is the how and when of my interactions with him. Acting like I don’t know for an extended period wouldn’t feel genuine. I guess I just need to make peace with sitting with it all for a bit and recognizing that there is no urgency, until I can figure out how to navigate our relationship. (And I’m reiterating that I wouldn’t bring this up with his girlfriend, it’s just another piece of my awkwardness.)

        Thanks for your feedback.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When you do approach him, you will know what your stance will be by the things he thinks of to say.

          I have a friend who describes himself as a “recovering AH”. I listen to his stories and, yep, he was an AH. Then I listen to him explain why it was wrong and what he learned from it. That is when I knew the AH days are over, forever. A person who is going to turn around and be an AH tomorrow, would never in a thousand years think of these things to say.

          People who learn their lessons describe their insight and their process in such unique and thinking ways that it is believable they have done a thorough self-examination.

          Probably giving him time and space to finish collecting his thoughts here would be wise. Half-cooked brownies from the oven are a disappointment. In a similar way, people who have only incubated their lessons half way can be disappointing also. People need time to do this and then they need more time to reach a point where they can talk about it. You say he was decent to you, this shows that he does have the ability to behave like an adult.

          OTH, you could decide the friendship is not worth the effort of waiting for him to sort this all out. What my friend did was waaaay in the past, long before I met him. So he had time to think things through and he had time to develop better habits and characteristics. We really cannot compare my setting to yours. You know the exact nature of the remarks and it could be that you decide, “No how, No way, Never.” And that could be your answer.

          1. Rhymetime*

            I appreciate hearing about your experience. I didn’t go into it in my original post for fear of revealing identities, but part of why this situation is surprising is because this friend and I have had multiple conversations about the importance of inclusion for people of all backgrounds. What you’re sharing is making me think again that it’s good to just let this sit for a while before addressing it, when the experience is not so recent and is less raw for us both. That will also give me time to get my courage up to release expectations about how it will go, so I’m more prepared to accept however it turns out and make the decision for myself that feels most appropriate if he responds in a context that I’m uncomfortable with.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              There you have it.
              My friend is the EXACT type of guy I would have avoided in high school. He did life in the fast lane.
              When I told him this he said, “Back at ya!” I was the exact type of woman he would have avoided in high school. I appeared too bookish and what not.
              We both ended up laughing about how time has changed both of us.
              It sounds like your friend just needs time to think about how his talk and his walk should match up better. At some point you may just be able to calmly state, “That was so UNcool.” And he will say, “Boy, did I learn that lesson, here’s why…..”

              Walk matching talk is a tricky thing. And it can take decades for us to realize all the different ways our talk and walk do not match up. So we just keep correcting and correcting.

            2. Lindsay J*

              Yeah, unfortunately it’s not uncommon for the walk not to match the talk, so to speak.

              I had an online acquaintance for many many years, who became sort of a big deal in local con scenes and in the kink/BDSM scene.

              He wrote many things about consent that people shared and appreciated. He held conventions that stressed that consent was important, and that being an open and welcome and inclusive environment for everyone was part of their goals.

              Apparently during that time he is also accused of: making unsolicited and unwanted sexual advances on people, expecting volunteers at his conventions to perform sexual favors for VIPs without being asked, not paying people for their work, and allowing people who committed sexual assault to hang out at his conventions even when their victims spoke out and said that they were scared of them being there.

              It’s been really hard for some people to reconcile who they thought the guy was with who is really was the whole time. And it seems like some people are just not doing it and choosing to believe that all the accusers are just out to get him for some reason, because what he is accused of doing is so far from the persona he put forward and the ideas he wrote about for so long.

    2. Totally Minnie*

      If you do decide to talk to him and he reacts with some variation of “I wasn’t doing anything THAT wrong, and everything got blown out of proportion,” are you ready and willing to walk away? I don’t want to think that will be the case with someone you know this well and care this much about, but it’s definitely a consideration.

      If you want to go in through a side door, I have an idea that might work. There’s an author named Myke Cole who was named in a discussion of men in publishing who have sexually harassed women. His blog post after the fact is the best apology I’ve seen from a man in the media facing these accusations (link in the reply). Bring it up in a group conversation and see if he has any sort of reaction to it. I know it’s the passive way in, but his response to someone in a similar situation who took responsibility for his actions might tell you something about the way he’s dealing with his own situation.

      2. Rhymetime*

        You have hit on exactly what I’m fearful about, a potential conversation where my friend is dismissive of the whole thing, and finding myself having to make a choice about my comfort level with our relationship. I appreciate your suggestion about Myke Cole’s blog post, which I’ll definitely check out. Thanks.

      1. Nicole76*

        He’s so cute! Noticed you’re in the Chicago area. Morton Arboretum does special dog admission days occasionally. I believe the next one is May 5th.

  48. Kali*

    I had a crappy childhood and some bad relationships, and that’s lead to the development of some bad mental habits I’d like to get rid of. Specifically, I’m focusing on getting rid of my victim-complex, and getting rid of impulsive anger. The latter…well, I recently read The Marshmallow Test, and it was described exactly in the chapter about people with high rejection sensitivity and high impulsiveness. I hear a comment, take it as evidence that someone doesn’t care about me, doesn’t respect me, isn’t treating me right, and immediately react to it. Then the cognitive bias kicks in, and I’m really good at convincing myself – and sometimes the other person – that I’m totally right to have had that reaction. The victim complex feeds into that; I don’t want to actually BE in a victim situation again, even while identifying with that role.

    I currently have a 3-pronged attack. Firstly, I’ve noticed that I reinforce the victim complex a lot by identifying with ideas in songs and movies/TV shows. I’m now focusing on noticing when I do that, reminding myself that I can like something without having to literally find a description of myself in it, and that I am actually a badass who has survived and therefore don’t need to think of myself as a victim. I’ve got a Habitica reward set up to click when I do this. I’ve also started making up my own songs to sing when I’m in the shower or doing chores, which has the added benefit of keeping me focused and in the moment, which might, in turn, potentially reduce my impulsiveness.

    The second stage is noticing when I feel rage or irritation, evaluating where it is on a scale of 1-10, and then consciously getting it down to 0. To do that, I’ve tried thinking of alternative explanations for the thing that annoyed me, and reminding myself of occasions when I’ve done something similar. Really visualising how the other person might be feeling – sometimes even imagining I’m in their place, explaining why I did the annoying thing, imagining that it is a friend or housemate I’m looking at rather than a stranger, or, if it is a friend or housemate, reminding myself of our relationship and that they wouldn’t try to hurt me, helps. I’d really like some tips on specific things to try during this time. I’ve tried googling, but most advice is just “take some time to calm down” or “reduce your anger”, and not really specific ideas on how to do that.:/ I’ve been trying this on day to day irritations – i.e., people cycling on the pavement, drivers nearly running me down (I live near a hospital, which gives an easy explanation for why people might not be paying attention) – and on memories of my parents. The latter is harder, and I don’t expect it to stick right away but I hope that, over time, it will chip away at the well of anger I’ve been bottling up. Overall, I’ve learned that empathy and sympathy is the best antidote to anger. While the ideas I’ve been trying have been working pretty well, I’m concerned about them losing potency over time (not *every* careless driver can have a relative in hospital, can they…?) and it’s harder to feel sympathetic towards people who were genuinely cruel rather than thoughtless, like my mother. If anyone has any tips for specific ways to reduce that anger, I’d appreciate it.

    Over the years, I’ve gotten better at not being impulsively angry with friends, but I’m still bad at it in romantic relationships. I suspect that that is related to the fear of ending up in another abusive relationship, so there’s a high cost to ignoring if they don’t treat me right, and to lack of practice. I’m monogamous, so I have far fewer romantic partners than friends. My current partner and I are actually taking a two-month break, because it got to the point where he was stressed and believed he was making me miserable; I didn’t notice a problem because the relationship seemed totally normal to me. Note that I am not making these specific changes for him; at this point, I’d like him to get the benefit of them, but I need to work on this for my own emotional health, and all of my relationships. Anyway, the final step is that I’ve found a relationship checklist. It’s kind of like the depression checklist they give you if you have suspected depression; you fill it in regularly and compare the results over time. I intend to fill it in myself on a regular basis, and to consider how my partner would answer, when I do. I’m hoping that that will ease the concern of accidentally ending up in a bad relationship again, as well as stop me from slipping into comfortable but bad patterns. I might also ask my partner to fill the questionnaire in on a regular basis, but with no obligation to share the answers but full support for any issues that come to light that he wants to discuss. That depends on how established the relationship is. If I start a new relationship, I’m not going to spring it on him on the first date!

    I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Full disclosure, I’ve realised one of my deep-rooted rage triggers is when I ask something, and I’ve not communicated clearly, especially when people end up offering ideas that aren’t appropriate or that I’ve already thought of. I suspect that it comes from my mother and grandmother making fun of me as a child, especially over something I was right about, and it’s probably also linked to the frustration of not being able to explain my point of view as a child. My parents are both narcissists, and you end up in some kind of surreal alternate universe if you try to explain a reasonable point, like that scene in anger management where Adam Sandler is asked to explain who he is, and keeps being told he’s doing it wrong. I am going to bear this in mind and avoid that reaction here, because I know that you are all kind, well-meaning people who just don’t have intimate knowledge of who I am, what I’ve thought of, and what I’ve tried, and it is ridiculous and unfair to be angry about that. It would also mean potentially missing some good ideas.

    I’ve seen counsellors before, but it would be tricky for me to access at the moment. I also practice mindful meditation sometimes.

    1. matcha123*

      A few years ago I started to take a look at my reactions to things around me and then make improvements. I don’t know if this will help you, but first I decided to focus on one problem. For me, that was my relationship with money and bad, but not terrible, spending habits. I put a kind of trigger in my mind to think about how I felt when I bought something. Then I looked at when I was prone to impulse purchases (usually right before my period). I also realized that incidents from my childhood influenced how I felt about spending.
      Armed with this new realization into the reasons behind my bad spending, I was able to more quickly identity unnecessary spending. At those times, I took a step back and would wait a week or two to see if I still wanted the item.

      All of what you are doing sounds like great steps towards taking control of your life and your reactions. However, it takes time. Rather than tackling everything at once, why not try to tackle smaller problems and move from there? I am also prone to thinking of myself as the underdog, and I am and have been!, but I am also working on replacing that mindset with a more positive one. Good luck!

    2. emotions*

      One thing that helped me is going further than where you’ve gone and asking myself why I get so irritated about what some people say (re your comment here: I hear a comment, take it as evidence that someone doesn’t care about me, doesn’t respect me, isn’t treating me right, and immediately react to it.). For me, it was because I am in fact reacting to my mother. With my mother (also crappy childhood etc.), that makes sense. The person in front of me who I may in fact be friendly with, they’re not trying to abuse me/gaslight me/etc. Reminding myself every time that this is a reaction that belongs with my mother, has over time, created space for me to react differently, and in fact, be much less bothered by other people’s comments. I don’t know who you are reacting against, but I bet that’s the person you’re reacting against. How this works, as an example, a friend invites me to a movie, then says something that I interpret as offensive – what is more likely, that they screwed up/were insensitive or that they hated me? i mean, they invited me! It seems simple on the surface but when you’re in the middle of it, it’s anything but.

      The main thing for me is that this actually over time changed how I think/behave. Before I felt like I had to constantly manage my rage, now I just don’t get angry so much, because in fact most people are not out to get me, and some might even like me (even if they are also humans and thoughtless or rude or whatever at times). I can be hurt, and even angry but I’m not in a rage.

      I hope this makes some sense and helps!

      1. Kali*

        It does make sense. I’m pretty sure that I am also reacting to my mother a lot of the time. I hope I can reach the same point you have.

    3. Lissa*

      I really like how you’ve laid all this out, it has been kind of illuminating about some things in my life/some people I know too, especially your last paragraph in relation to a friend of mine who gets really really angry when people give the wrong feedback/haven’t understood her. I myself struggle a LOT with unfair anger/irritation at other people – I really am concerned I’m going to turn into a bitter person with zero friends because I think “everyone is terrible.”

      You mention what types of media you consume, and finding different narratives. I know for me, though the things I need to unlearn are slightly different, I would look at what I’m doing online. Online communities are very often either echo-chambery or self-reinforcing, and the places that I go are VERY good for validation, but sometimes that can go too far. For instance it’s very easy for me to write something online about how I’m annoyed with someone in my life and hear back a lot of “yeah, that person is awful and you are great!” because I’ve only given one “side”. There’s a lot of narratives online and in the media that reinforce a very good/evil dichotomy (of course what they consider good or evil varies a lot), and I know that minimizing my exposure to that is helpful. Misanthropic kneejerk reactions are really common online, so someone posts about something bad that happened and it’s all “humans suck!!” which reinforces exactly what I want to believe but isn’t super useful, either….

    4. PX*

      On the relationship side, I think one of the things that might help is learning to look for red flags early on in an interaction with someone! Captain Awkward is a good blog for advice on boundaries and relationships, and for me one of the things I’ve found from binging on advice columns (I am a junkie) is it has made me much more aware of things to look out for in relationships.

      But I think for you, as you are already doing, it might be worth it to do some reflection on previous relationships plus some self analysis and look for any common trends which you either want to stay away from or perhaps gravitate towards. I’m not sure what your relationship checklist looks like, but personally, I’d be trying to connect some dots or look for common themes. What have my past relationships had in common? Am I attracted to a certain type of person because they [do thing X, fulfill bad desire Y, sate issue Z which is not actually a good thing of mine?] Do I need to avoid a certain type of person, or do I need to work on (a particular area of) myself?

      Regarding how to stay more calm, I really hope someone with more google-fu than me can find links because I know it has come up here (either in a work or personal thread) and there have been some great tips. My advice might not help because I’m quite naturally calm, but a lot of what helps me is thinking about what anger will achieve? So with impulsive anger, what is the end result you want? The person to agree with you? To feel validated that your opinion was right? If so, is anger the best way to achieve that?

      I’m just throwing ideas out there, but good on you for trying to work on this, and best of luck! Would love for you to keep us updated if you’re up for that.

    5. Reba*

      This is an amazing post. You are doing so much work. The relationship checklist sounds great.

      I don’t share many of your issues, but I do have a thing about people giving any whiff of my not being competent to do something/talk about something I am competent to do. So I have a couple mental tricks that work for me (usually) when I need to redirect my thoughts or get over irritations.

      One is diaphragmatic breathing, if you do meditation you are probably already familiar with this. The “4-7-8” breath or “square breath.” It changes your neural circuitry and can do so really quickly, especially once you’ve trained yourself into a habit of calming for which the breath becomes the first signal. The other is visualization. The empathetic ones you describe are great. In the moment, when I don’t really need to understand something but rather just to move on, I do a visualization of anger draining out of my body or of lowering something into a body of water so it sinks and drifts away.

      1. Kali*

        I will definitely give both of those a go, thank you. :D

        I’m very good at making plans; I just hope that I’m able to keep up my initial enthusiasm and practice this until it becomes a real habit.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The thing I love about breathing exercises is they can be done anywhere and anytime. No special equipment required. Now this just makes sense, life happens at all hours of the day, we need tools that we can use IN the moment.
        If you have to think about your breathing exercise this takes mental energy away from fueling the anger.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      What do you do to dissipate your anger? This could be anything, exercise, music, mediation, prayer, whatever suits you. But you can aim to do something on a regular basis to help yourself break the power of the anger. Personally, I believe that having more than one go-to is important. Walking is fantastic for the mind and the body. But we have to do it for a bit before we start to realize how much impact it can have.

      Anger is like grief in that it has to come out of us somehow. If you don’t have a punching bag installed in your home, consider other outlets to release that energy. Anger is a bunch of energy. Anyway if you do not have an anger release plan, your anger is more likely to pop up at the times you don’t want it to. Grief does the same thing, I walked into Target one day and just started bawling my eyes out. So not appropriate.

      While my family was no where near as difficult as yours, my parents did not work on controlling their anger. We can’t teach what we don’t know, so guess what happened? I ended up with a temper and ashamed of that temper.

      Here’s is one that I have held on to real tightly. Anger itself is NOT wrong. We are supposed to feel anger. From the sounds of it you are justifiably angry. The trick is how do we use that anger? As you go along maybe you would like to think about taking all that you have learned due to terrible circumstances and putting it toward good in some manner. You might land on child advocacy programs or something like that. See, underneath that anger you learned lots of stuff that other people are not aware of or just plain never heard of. Just something to mull, “How am I going to take what happened to me and put it out there to improve other people’s lives?” When we start touching other people’s lives we take back our natural power that we should have had right along.

      So. Anger is a bunch of things.
      You might find relief in reading about the symptoms of grief. Grief can be the driver behind inconsolable anger. Don’t forget, crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy. Tears are good, it’s coming out of us like we need it to do.

      I love Boundaries books. I couldn’t change the past with my angry parents but I could learn to set normal boundaries with people so that my life going forward would be healthy. One thing here, I learned is that if I wait until I am angry to say something I have waited too long. I needed to set boundaries much earlier.

      I got a lot out of books about mother/daughter relationships. Reading other people’s stories was very informative and seeing how they pulled themselves through was also enlightening. Not sure if you are female or male but there are parent/child books available also.

      And anger can be the lack of skill sets. (Back to my parents could not teach me what they did not know.) My good, sweet friend blew up at his kids. He was mortified, he was so upset with himself. I talked with him about building a plan for the next time a situation like that comes up. What would he like to do instead? Going example by example we can build new reactions to recurring irritations and upsets. We can build those skill sets.

      Last, I found it helpful to think of all this learning as a life long habit. Making learning a norm helped me not to expect to “get over it”, but rather to just think of it as part of my life story. One of the mother/daughter books said that we should be good parents to ourselves. Make sure your basic needs are met- food, clothes, shelter, transportation, medical care – promise you that you will always get these basics for yourself. Not our fault that our parents failed us, but we do have the power to build something better in our own lives.

    7. MindoverMoneyChick*

      A good friend taught me a process that she got from her therapist that works for any stormy type emotions.
      1. Note where you are feeling your anger in your body (does your face feel flushed, stomach churning, teeth clenched etc.)
      2. focus on that feeling – really pay attention to it and don’t try to control it. Let it peak and subside (it will always subside if you let it peak)
      3. This is very important – while you are feeling the feelings, don’t tell yourself any narrative at all – nothing about how you were wronged, what the other person was thinking and feeling, nothing about the past or future. try to focus on physical feelings and get let words just drift in and out without running down a narrative path with them. Refocus on your body when the words come
      4. Also very important take no action and say nothing during this time. Just focus on your physical feelings and let them rise and fall.
      5. Once the peak has past and your emotions are falling, THEN the words in your head or ideas on how to act in the situation will likely be productive. Now you can say or do something about the situation.

      This should take on order of minutes for the rise and fall to happen, and it only works if you are truly open to letting the feeling peak, and don’t going running off into a verbal narrative in you head while it’s happening. I realize this is the opposite of actively trying to get you anger down and I think both tricks can work. You can experiment with this a few times and see how you like it. When I can get myself to to it (for me it’s very hard to stay out of a verbal narrative in my head) it is surprisingly effective at getting strong feelings to pass quickly.

      1. Kali*

        I think this is something I will definitely try, perhaps against the long-held anger, or the legitimate anger.

  49. Rezia*

    I wanted to share an experience with ThredUp, since Alison’s talked about it on the blog. First of all, I love ThredUp as a concept, and I’ve gotten some great, affordable work clothes from the site multiple times. BUT, I’ve realized their customer service really is terrible. A package went missing and I tried emailing and chatting (downloading the app to do so) customer service and other than the auto-generated reply, nobody ever responded to me. Eventually the package turned up late, but I couldn’t help but think if it really was lost, that I’d never get a refund. Around the same time I had sent in a clean out bag, and they haven’t evaluated it about a week past when they said they would. Again, tried to get in touch with customer service, this time through FB message. I got one response saying they were looking into it and that was it.
    So now I don’t know what to do. I support ThredUp’s mission, but now I feel like I should only ever do small enough $$ orders that if it goes missing it would be a terrible loss. Anyone else have the same issues and/or figure out a better way to get in touch with customer service?

    1. nep*

      (Did it again / mistakenly posted this at the bottom of the page.)

      That’s a drag.
      I’ve gotten some great stuff on thredUP. The couple of times I’ve had questions for them, I communicated via the website and received responses (real live people) fairly quickly.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I haven’t had that problem with ThredUp, but I’ve had similar issues with another company that only had automated customer service. I tried and tried to get them to refund me and only got canned replies. What I did was dispute the transaction on my card through my bank. I explained that I’d tried to get in touch with the company but their customer service was more or less unreachable and the bank got me the refund!

    3. Totally Minnie*

      Does ThreadUp have a twitter account? Usually if I can’t get in contact with a company’s customer service department, I tweet them about it. Companies really don’t want complaints out there with their names attached, so they’ll typically message you back pretty quickly. Once the issue is resolved, I usually take the tweet down.

    4. Triplestep*

      I am sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, there are thousands of online reviews that come down hard on Thred-ups customer service, and even more that complain about their payouts for clothing sent in. (This had been to my own experience with them a few years ago; I read the reviews too late. There are far fewer bad reviews from people actually purchasing, but I’m not sure how long Thred-up can sustain the business model that seems to be based on pleasing only one type of customer while taking advantage of another.

      Similar to how Alison advises people who interview for jobs to mentally move on, I suggest you just wait and let Thred-up’s process do it’s thing. They will eventually do something with your items, but it might not be in the time frame they’d promised, and you probably won’t get very much for your clothing. I’m sorry. I think nudging Thred-up is going to annoy you, and not going to make much of a difference in your outcome.

  50. Joaquin d'Planck*

    In the book, ‘The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat’, one story is about a man who suddenly realized that his leg did not belong to him, and wanted it removed. I know that people who want to change genders are different, because doctors do gender transition surgeries, and they don’t amputate legs. The first is obviously a psychological problem. But what is the difference?

    Also, what even is gender? What does it mean to say you are a man or woman? When I hear statements like “Men don’t like this activity”, or “this is something that women prefer”, I usually say “Ok, then I’m a man.” But my body is female. I have always figured that it was just a problem with too tightly defined boxes, not that there was anything wrong with me. I’m happy being who I am, even if many of the stereotypes don’t fit at all. But when someone says they were born male but they are really a woman, or vice versa, how do you know? What does that mean?

    And, most importantly, is asking questions like this transphobic? Because I’m willing to stay ignorant if so.

    1. Kali*

      I suspect that most cis people are actually pretty ‘meh’ about gender. I don’t think I’m too attached to being a woman; if I’d been born in a male body, I probably would have made that work. I suspect then that a subset of the population *do* feel strongly about their gender, and that while some of them are lucky enough to be in a body that matches, others aren’t. I don’t really know what that feels like.

      Gender is a category. When you ask what gender someone is, you’re asking “what set of assumptions should I apply to you?”. I can’t think of a scenario where ‘what is your gender’ isn’t a stand-in for another question like “where do we put the metal plate for the x-ray?”, “could you be pregnant?”, “what pronouns do you prefer?”, and so on. There are some silly things in the categories (why would ‘pink’ go with ‘long hair’ and ‘she pronouns’?) but, for lots of people, it’s safe to assume that many of the things in their category do apply to them.

      I wrestled with the same debate about a psychology problem when I read an article about a doctor a few weeks ago. In the 70s, he’d performed an experiment to help a gay man find pleasure in straight sex and convert. All the medical literature said being gay was a problem. The patient himself said being gay was a problem and he wanted the treatment. Is the doctor then a bad person for not knowing that we’d see it differently some day? I don’t think so, but the question is related to the leg thing. I don’t think there are objective definitions for what is a problem and what is a variation.

    2. Temperance*

      Transphobic people will often trot out things like BID (bodily integrity disorder) to “prove” that being trans is a mental illness.

      I honestly don’t know what being trans is like, so I can’t comment on that piece, but I do think being a woman means different things to different women. I’m pretty femme, all things considered, to the point where I dislike even dressing up as a male character for Halloween. I mostly wear dresses/skirts and pink stuff, but I have stereotypically male interests, like comics, video games, and soccer.

    3. Melody Pond*

      I have weird thoughts on this. Maybe some of them even contradict each other.

      I loosely consider myself a cis-woman. But what does that actually mean? To me – nothing, except that I’m fine with being referred to as a woman, and I’m cool with she/her/hers pronouns, and I also happen to have a vagina and uterus, and I went through an estrogen-dominant puberty. That’s pretty much it. I like my long hair and I like wearing long flowy/A-line skirts (comfy and easy to fit into!!), but I don’t see why those things should be exclusively linked with the feminine.

      As I get older, I find the whole idea of gender to be less and less useful for the information I actually need and decisions I actually have to make. I consider it to be one of the least relevant things about a person’s character. You’ve kind of touched on this a bit, by asking “what even is gender?” Well, that’s just it. It’s not really anything. It’s an idea that society made up, and it isn’t actually connected to anything tangible.

      But when someone says they were born male but they are really a woman, or vice versa, how do you know? What does that mean?

      I’m not sure what “how do you know” means here. How do you know that person is really a woman? Because they said they are. Given that gender is a social construct (an idea that society made up), that’s really all it takes, to be a man or a woman – to say you are. And “what does that mean?” Well. Ask the person you’re talking to what it means to them. It almost certainly is going to mean something different for every different person you talk to.

      This is why I find the whole idea of gender (especially binary gender) mostly irrelevant and unhelpful. If you tell me you’re a woman, with the idea of communicating something about yourself – that doesn’t actually mean anything to me. To actually get any useful information that will help me understand you, I’ll ask you several more questions about who you are, what you like, what you don’t like, how you treat other people, what you want, what you need, etc.

      I can’t really speak to the experience of a trans person, because I haven’t had that experience or really anything like it. But I assume that a trans person, for reasons that are personal to them, simply identifies with a gender label that doesn’t align with the sex organs they had at birth. Like, if I was more comfortable being referred to as a man, and more comfortable with he/him/his pronouns – that would probably be based on something deeply internal and personal to me.

      I don’t know if your questions are transphobic. I think some of the specific phrasing you’ve used might be considered insensitive (e.g., “my body is female” – there’s nothing about your body that makes you female or a woman; and “when someone says they were born male” – again, that links anatomy to gender, when they’re not actually connected at all), but I generally get the sense that you genuinely want to understand. And I think that’s reasonable.

    4. Lawler*

      Alison posted a letter from a manager who had an employee who had that condition. Despite being perfectly healthy and having the full use of his legs, he believes he is paralysed from the waist down. He uses a wheelchair full time and has a vehicle with hand controls. It was a fascinating letter. In the comments people mentioned hearing about that condition. One woman convinced a doctor to blind her by putting acid or something in her eyes. It was disturbing but there are doctors who will do it.

      There was debate in the comments about it and comparisons to gender issues.

    5. Lissa*

      Yes, I question this too! What is man/woman and what is masculine/feminine? Most of masculine/feminine seems to change by culture, so IS there an objective “truth” of what makes someone a man or a woman outside of stereotypes and biology? And if so, what is it? And why don’t I feel it at all myself? I mean…nobody, even a really Manly Man or Womanly Woman, is every *single* stereotype, right? I mean, some people might come pretty close…. but I think most people are a mix. And since the stereotypes change, how does that work? IE in the 18th century it was manly for men to wear wigs and makeup, now it’s not. In our culture a “feminine” name is one with lots of soft sounds that ends in an “a” in many cases but in others the naming conventions are really different. And why do those conventions change so much but there still seems to be “different” stuff for men and women in every culture?

      1. Reba*

        You are well on your way to separating gender (culturally constructed) and biology (“given” or “natural” — I put those in quotes since it’s debatable how “natural” a body can really be, since they are lived in and perceived by people of a culture. We name them, divide them into important parts and less so, private parts and visible parts, yada yada. Moreover there is much variation in the “natural” body that isn’t acknowledged in simple categories.).

        But the idea that something is constructed and culturally/historically variable does not at all mean that it isn’t “true” within our experience of ourselves and the world. One’s sense of identity, including the sense that many people have that they *are* this or that gender or none, is obviously deeply personal and interior, but it is also put together out of the cultural categories that one has to hand in one’s particular place and time.

        As for why a binary gender system seems to dominate the cultures of the world? IDK but
        A. I think that is changing and/or we increasingly know more about the variation in gender norms and the existence of third genders or ungendered folks in lots of places, even cultures we might think of as very traditional or conservative. So the picture of male vs female everywhere all the time is likely more ideological than totally factual.
        B. We also are able to recognize that people of different genders have a lot more in common than not. Often there’s a gap between the stated Rules N’ Beliefs We Live By, and How People Actually Live in the complexity and flow of life with other unique people.

        1. Lissa*

          I really like what you said about something not being “not real” because it’s culturally constructed. I think this is where I get tripped up on this stuff, and basically where I fall is “I don’t really *get* a lot of it, and would like to talk about it if possible, but it’s more important not to hurt people and to treat everyone with respect.” For some people that isn’t good enough, and I don’t really have a good answer for that except to stay out of those conversations.

          I constantly ask myself questions like “if I were born in a completely different time and place how much ME would I still be” and some of those questions involve gender, sexuality (would I still be bi if raised in a time when that wasn’t considered an option or would I just default to men and never really know otherwise, or maybe I’d have Feelings for the occasional female friend and not get why….) and other touchy subjects. But some of that also has to do with how I brain, which involves constantly questioning all the things to a point where I wish I could stop!

        2. LibbyG*

          I would add that male-female is just one of the false opposites that loom so large in our (Western? Modern?) culture. In that way it’s like mind-body, humanity-nature, or reason-emotion.

          I think that’s one reason many fully supportive people still find third genders or non-binary identities disorienting.

    6. Thlayli*

      I don’t necessarily agree that the idea your leg doesn’t belong to you is necessarily psychological. Read up on chimaerism. I read an interview with someone who had the feeling that a part of their body didn’t belong to them and I thought maybe they are a chimaera. I can totally see how that would make you feel like a part of your body didn’t belong to you. It’s also possible IMO that transgender people are chimaeras. I’ve seen the concept that transgender people are chimaeras discussed by trans people online so I’m not the only one this has occurred to.

    7. TheLiz*

      I think your questions aren’t tramsphobic but can be triggering for some trans people, so good for you for checking and I’d suggest ask with care if doing so in person.

      One difference between gender identity disorders and body integrity disorders is that BID patients often move to another limb as the “problem” if the first one is amputated, which is why doctors are so reluctant to intervene. People with GID are usually pretty well set up by “fixing” the “problem” body issues (quotes to acknowledge the oversimplification)

    8. Tau*

      I’d say it’s not transphobic but it can be iffy, particularly if you make respecting trans people’s identities contingent on getting answers to these questions which you’re happy with. Back when I IDed more strongly as genderqueer*, I was always very wary when cis people began asking questions like this because I didn’t actually have an answer myself and I was worried they’d refuse to respect my pronouns etc. because of that.

      And… mm… the thing you have to remember is that “what is gender anyway, what does it mean to be a woman” is a very… theoretical, philosophical question, and there’s a certain level of privilege in being able to discuss trans* issues on that level. There’s often a lot of very real pain underlying a trans* identification, and someone who’s started flinching when people refer to them as “she” or has crying jags because they have breasts and it’s wrong and they want them gone… maybe all they know is that the category “woman” isn’t working for them, and maybe “man” works or maybe it doesn’t but either way they may not have any sort of answer for those questions and that’s fine and that doesn’t make their identity any less real or valid.

      (I will say stereotypes never had much if anything to do with it, for me, but it’s super hard to explain what did. Something more fundamental, about feeling wrongly categorised when people tried to put me into the “woman” box regardless of what they associated with ‘woman’.)

      * my gender identity and I have settled into something of a wary truce: I leave it alone for the most part and don’t think about it, it keeps any gender-related dissonance to levels I can deal with and doesn’t hit me with dysphoria. I’m not actually sure what I’d say I ID as these days. There were a few years where I was actively identifying as genderquer and the state of affairs was closer to armed warfare.

      1. Reba*

        I love this observation. What’s an interesting philosophical question to some is a painful, hard-won, real experience for others. Thank you for sharing. It’s so powerful and important to be seen and known.

    9. Kay*

      Some people are really attached to their gender. I recall the letter from the non-binary letter writer whose co-worker was adamant that she be addressed with female pronouns and not gender neutral ones. She wasn’t transgender and it wasn’t a case of misgendering. It was an interesting and informative discussion in the comments. I am a woman but I am not attached to that identity and I don’t always get what it means to feel like a woman. I also don’t feel like a man if that makes sense.

    10. anon for this*

      Okay, I’ll weigh into this one as a trans person. While I appreciate that cis people are more thoughtful about this stuff now, I do feel like discussions often lose the nuance that everyone’s experience with gender is different, whether trans or cis. One thing that I find doesn’t often get talked about is the sense of doubt and uncertainty or ambivalence that people can feel in relation to their gender. I really appreciate how Daniel Mallory Ortberg has been willing to discuss this so openly. Traditionally I think the only trans stories that got heard were the old “I knew I was female from age 3 and never once had any doubts” perhaps because it can be a real struggle to be accepted by the cis world, and so there hasn’t been room to voice internal doubts, out of fear that this will encourage others to doubt you as well. It may also be that the penalties for being openly trans can be so high that many who feel any degree of ambivalence find it safer to stay closeted. Like sexual preference, I think gender can really be a process, rather than a fixed state, for a lot of people.

      Personally I would say that the cultural conventions that attach to gender are part of the lexicon of how people can come to understand and speak about their own gender experiences. They aren’t the same thing as gender identity (for example, not all trans women want to dress like Barbie dolls or have stereotypically feminine interests) but they can be a part of how people understand and express their gender–whether trans or cis. I think gender identity has a lot to do with self-image and self-expression, as well as how you want to relate to the world and have the world see you. It’s much like other kinds of identity in that way. And like other kinds of identity, it’s not something you really tend to notice much unless other people make it a struggle for you.

      To get back to the original comparison, I don’t think being trans and having BID are really comparable from an internal perspective, and that comparison betrays a lack of understanding about what it means to be trans. Gender identity is something that everyone has, and may struggle with or not, but some gender identities are marginalized and others aren’t.

      And to answer your final question, I would say that these kinds of questions do betray a certain kind of ignorance, but it is an ignorance that I think a lot of cis people have, and I think it’s helpful to talk about. I think having a misunderstanding of what it’s like to be trans is kind of like not understanding what it’s like to be a different race, or a different gender, or another type of experience and identity you don’t share. You can’t ever know exactly what it’s like. But hopefully this was somewhat helpful!

  51. nep*

    That’s a drag.
    I’ve gotten some great stuff on thredUP. The couple of times I’ve had questions for them, I communicated via the website and received responses (real live people) fairly quickly.

  52. nnn*

    Has anyone every had vision therapy as an adult for convergence insufficiency?

    I’ve just been to the optometrist and learned that that the visual problem that I’ve been experiencing since a recent head injury is called “convergence insufficiency”, and that vision therapy is a thing that exists. I find the idea appealing, but googling around it, it seems to be intended primarily for children.

    I’d love to hear any experiences anyone might have.

    1. Grace Less*

      My only experience is as an adult taking a child for it, but yes… it’s working! Slow progress for us, but I’m glad for every bit of improvement.

      1. nnn*

        How slow? By which I mean how long did it take to see any progress, and how long do you anticipate the whole course of treatment to be? (I mean, obvs this is something that would vary from patient to patient, but I’m in the market for anecdata)

    2. Mimmy*

      Could you go back to the optometrist who diagnosed the CI to see if he/she has any recommendations for adult vision therapy?

      I googled CI after reading this post, and some of the symptoms are similar to what I have, but my one eye turns inward, and I think I’ve been this way from birth. One doctor suggested prism glasses (which I read was another treatment option), but I don’t think I’d handle that drastic change very well.

      1. nnn*

        That’s the plan, I just can’t move forward with anything on the weekend so I’m asking the internet for anecdata :)

        I’m amazed that you’ve been living with it since birth! It just makes every single moment of every single day so discouragingly difficult!

    3. OhBehave*

      My son has a visual learning disability. We took him to an eye doc who specializes in such therapy. Son was in 3rd grade at the time. After about a week of vision therapy several times a week, he tied his shoes after I showed him once. It’s something we’ve been trying to teach him for years…he mastered it the first try after therapy. That sold us on the therapy and it helped him in school.

    4. CNB*

      For my long-standing double vision I tried a computerized VT program (purchased CD a few years ago from specialist in vision therapy) but found it very frustrating and tiring and not making much difference. After that went to prism glasses which work very well for me. The optometrist who tested for and prescribed the glasses indicated that VT may not be as successful in adults as in children.

  53. dating question*

    When people say they’re dating, does that mean they’re dating exclusively or could they be dating non-exclusively? Please don’t make me ask the person in question directly!!!

    1. nep*

      I would certainly think it could mean non-exclusively. I wouldn’t take ‘they are dating’ to mean that the two people are exclusive. Maybe yes, maybe no — but not enough information just in that expression. My take.

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Normally I’d say if someone says they’re dating someone specific like Jane or Wakeen, then it probably means they’re exclusive (or, if they’re poly/non-exclusive, they might not want to share that with someone they might not know well). But now that I think about it, I can’t imagine anyone just saying “I’m dating” without providing any more information.

    5. Lissa*

      I think “I’m dating Maria” usually means exclusively, but “I’m dating again after my divorce” could be non exclusively.

    8. Fiennes*

      If someone said “dating” without a name attached, I’d figure they’re dating casually, multiple people, or at least open to same. If someone said “dating” with a name attached—like “dating Terry,” I’d assume exclusivity unless otherwise specified.

    9. The Person from the Resume*

      It’s likelier to mean exclusive but there’s not an official definition and if you want to know for sure you need to ask the parties if they’ve agreed to be exclusive.

      Because it dating could also be used to mean that two people have gone on more than one date so they are dating.

  54. nep*

    Anyone here not have medical insurance? (I know this subject comes up from time to time.)
    I’ve paid for it regularly up till end of last year but can no longer afford. Am eligible for my state’s expanded Medicaid and I thought I was going to go that way till financial situation improves. It looks like there’s been a glitch in that process (I did ‘register’ through the state agency and I’ve received docs in the mail about it, but now when I look up status on line no record found); I’m thinking I just want to bag the whole thing. I never wanted to go on Medicaid in the first place.
    On the one hand, should I have some serious illness or an accident, it would feel like a total waste to have spent money on insurance for all the years I have up to now only to have something happen while I’m not covered. On the other hand, I hate that I can no longer find just a policy that’s relatively cheap and just covers me in case of catastrophic illness or accident.

    1. Melody Pond*

      I was on my state’s Medicaid for a couple years while I was in school. Given that it’s free healthcare (at least it was for me), I think it’s worth the extra administrative effort to understand their complicated processes and jump through any necessary hoops. If you qualify, I would say go for it. I don’t think it’s a great idea to be without health insurance completely – especially if you qualify for something pretty much free.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t have it, other than a program with my doctor’s office where office visits and labs are very cheap. This state sucks and did not expand Medicaid. I can’t get it because I’m a single adult with no kids, and I’m not old enough for Medicare.

      If you can get Medicaid, I’d do it. I’m just trying to stay healthy and be careful until I’m covered again. :P

    4. Belle*

      I highly recommend having health insurance, even if you have to call to figure out what is needed for Medicaid.

      All it takes is one accident or illness to happen that could financially ruin you for life. Working in HR, I have seen it happen and the hardships it can create.

    5. Kuododi*

      My parents drilled into my head the importance of keeping health insurance. There have been times during grad school where it was a toss up which bill would be paid but the health insurance always got attended to promptly. I am thankful that DH and I have always worked in some aspect of health care and we were fortunate to have the opportunity to take advantage of excellent health coverage. When I was 29 the boom lowered and while we were trying to find out why we weren’t getting pregnant, the labs came back to say I had uterine cancer. Needless to say if it wasn’t.for the insurance, we would have been in bankruptcy court. Today, I have a number of chronic health issues but I am cancer free and still grateful for our health insurance. All that to say, don’t kid yourself that bad things won’t happen to you. Do what you can to make sure you are protected. Best wishes….

      1. nep*

        Right — I don’t live in a cloud thinking bad things can’t happen to me. This is why I’ve had medical insurance all my adult life.

    6. Lady Jay*

      Have you tried State Farm? Perhaps 10 years ago, I got a catastrophic plan through them, and I remember it being affordable. I was between plans at the moment, thanks to some school/job shifts, I only needed something for a month or two, and theirs worked.

  55. Circus peanuts*

    I posted last weekend about my missing cousin and I thank you all for your concern and thoughts. She has returned home. All that was said is that she was hanging out with friends. Her elderly parents just don’t need this in their lives right now. They are in their 70’s and it should be a time to start enjoying their retirement, not this.

  56. Nynaeve*

    I’m apartment hunting this weekend. I’ve reached the tipping point of frustration with my current place after a second mouse infestation. Over the years, I’ve had mice, fleas (despite no pets), broken heat that took months to get fixed, windows stuck open, and neighbor’s dog being intermittently aggressive toward me. Even though it’s about $300 more a month minimum to get even a smaller place, I think it’s time. The landlord is a nice person, but takes forever to get things fixed and tries cheap, lazy fixes when/if he finally gets around to it.

    Wish me luck! Advice, commiseration, and good vibes welcome.

    1. anon24*

      Lots of good vibes! My current apartment isn’t anywhere near as bad as yours (no animals and my cats eat the few bugs that do come in) but my neighbors drive me crazy. I move into my new place in 2 weeks! It took awhile to find it but it’s so much nicer than my current place and hopefully will be quieter! I hope you find your place too! There’s nothing worse than having to come home to a place you dread.

      1. Nynaeve*

        Thanks! It’s sad because there are a lot of things I really love about my place, but I’m being slowly worn down by various little (and big) frustrations.

        I saw one place that was pretty decent, although there isn’t much around. Everything else had no openings or was out of my price range.

        Good luck with your move! I hope your neighbors are nice and you enjoy your new amenities.

  57. Nervous Accountant*

    I’m not sure if this is a work or non wrok thread so Alison pls delete if need be and I can post on Friday.

    Just curious how much others talk to their spouses/partners about work and how involved, so to speak, the spouses are with each others’ work lives.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t talk much about work to my husband unless I’m griping about something. Same thing with him. We are kinda sorta in the same general area of our prospective industries–security in an aerospace company vs. fraud/money laundering investigation/risk management in banking–so we sometimes talk security-related stuff, but not often at all. And there isn’t really that much in common between us in that area except for maybe discussing Homeland Security.

    2. AnotherJill*

      My SO and I were in the same field and often swapped stories and shared ideas. We also went to conferences together. At one job I had he also knew a lot of the people there so in that case there was a fair amount of socializing, other places we just occasionally went to the others big work events.

      But I’ve known people who were the opposite and made it a point of not talking about work with each other.

    3. Oxford Coma*

      I can share a few general anecdotes regarding personnel interactions, but I work with IP and can’t get into the actual work concepts. If husband wants to know what’s going on with my company, I tell him he can check the website/press releases because anything already posted is okay to know.

    4. Thlayli*

      Tell each other funny stuff that happened, talk about people we work with, talk about what’s happening workwise. Not “involved” in each other’s work at all other than talking about it at home.

    5. Candy*

      My husband and I discuss “big” things, obviously (career changes, future plans, promotions, etc) but neither of us much like bringing the day-to-day minutiae of work home with us so we pretty much just discuss our jobs if something really funny/weird/noteworthy happened during the day. And some days we can’t even be bothered to do that because it would require too much backstory to relate or it’s too tiring to even get into. This week, for example, I had an AWFUL all-staff meeting that I maybe would have liked to tell him about just to get off my chest, but by the time I got home I was too emotionally exhausted to say more than just, “ugh” when he asked me how my day was. So he made me a gin & tonic and we sat on the balcony and talked about other things :)

    6. Crylo Ren*

      My husband and I are in tangentially related fields (different areas of marketing) so we’ll sometimes chat about things that have come up that might be relevant to the other person. And we’ll share the usual funny/aggravating things that happen at work, in the same way that we would talk about those things in a non-work context. But we don’t get into the weeds of things and generally try to leave work at work.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      Almost not at all. He went to one work event out of a dozen for my previous company. I’ve been to two or three of his company’s events. Any conversation about it is limited to maybe one anecdote a day, if that. We work in different fields and have very different ideas of how a job should work (he’s live to work, I’m work to live), so it’s hard to find common ground. Incidentally, job hunting while living with a workaholic is not fun.

      My answer would be way different if I had a partner in my field. I loooooove talking shop.

    8. Kuododi*

      DH and I will talk regularly about work. We are in related fields and coincidentally when I was in seminary, I went through the training to become professionally qualified in his professional field. I opted to go back to school and get a second Master’s degree to qualify as a mental health counselor.

    10. Searching*

      My husband and I used to work in the same field, in the same company even, and we talked about work almost daily. When I moved into a different (although somewhat related) field after grad school, we kept talking about his work almost daily, but I talked about my job much, much less. So things got a little unbalanced. He feels the need to unload about his day at work. I (most of the time) just wanted to put my day behind me.

    11. Nervous Accountant*

      Lots of great insight, thanks guys. I used to talk about work with friends but stopped other than very generic “gotta go to work! tax season much wow!”

      I think this is the only place I talk mostly about work now, and it’s nice to be able to talk.

      I mentioned to my husband something good that happened that day (I got to sit in on an interview of a candidate which I’ve been wanting to do for a while) and…..he said “oh they’re making you HR now?” i said no, and went on to explain how HR is different from what I’m doing. He just kept insisting that they’re making me HR now and I kept trying to explain why it wasn’t and he just got really pissed and said “OK yeayeayea I get it.” so I stopped talking about it. I felt pretty shitty afterwards. I see other couples talk about work w/ their own spousesand it’s so differentfromwhat I experience.

    12. paul*

      Scheduling, some stuff that might show up in the news on my end. I try to leave as much as possible at the office though.

      She does not share my opinion and talks a lot about work.

  58. Someone else*

    Is this weird or am I just antisocial?

    I recently got a message from a relative, just a basic, hi how are you, long time, hope you’re well, blah blah blah. Nothing special. Nothing interesting. Nothing nefarious.

    I haven’t seen or spoken to this relative in at least 20 years. Before that, this was someone I only ever saw at major family functions, once a year at most. We didn’t have a bad relationship, but we pretty much…didn’t have a relationship. I can’t name a single major memory of this person beyond knowing they’re my relative and knowing what they look like. I’m sure we interacted at some point, but I’d hesitate to say I’ve ever had a conversation with this person, or at least not one I remember. Picture more like: if there were a kids table at An Event we were both kids and at it, along with probably a dozen others.

    I guess I’m just puzzled? My knee-jerk reaction is “what do you want?” which I realize is probably unkind. I have nothing against this person, but it struck me as a very out of blue weird thing to suddenly reach out to someone you never really knew to begin with to basically say “hi”.

    1. Enough*

      Sometimes you just get a “need?” to reach out. I did it in graduate school when. I was feeling little lonely and homesick for undergraduate life. Glad I did. One of the people I reached out and I will be celebrating our 35th anniversary next month.

      1. Someone else*

        But you presumably interacted with that person for more than 30 minutes, more than once a year, back when you had originally known each other? Or was the person you reached out to a barely acquaintance before?

    2. stitchinthyme*

      In this era of social media, it doesn’t seem that weird (and I say that as an introvert). I’d just say hi back and exchange pleasantries. Assuming the person isn’t a psycho, the worst that happens is you exchange some small talk and then you fall back out of touch again. Best case scenario, you make a new friend.

    3. AnotherJill*

      Sometimes when people get older they get the urge to reach out to relatives. I occasionally think about reaching out to relatives I haven’t seen for ages, just because after my parents passed away I realized that sometimes I had questions about family history and no one to ask anymore.

    4. Quake Johnson*

      What kind of message was it? I know there was an issue with Facebook messenger being hacked and sending seemingly innocuous messages from your friends and family. Anything odd with your computer since then?

      1. Someone else*

        Thanks for the concern. It wasn’t via Facebook, and I did speak to (in person) a different relative who is more in touch with this person than I ever was. So I’m reasonably certain it was real. Apparently Relative is just missing family, so I guess I’m flattered I’m included in that? I’ve never lived anywhere remotely nearby but I guess Relative’s memory of me is stronger than mine of Relative.

        1. blaise zamboni*

          I don’t know your family’s dynamic or if this applies to your relative, but I was raised with almost no contact with my relatives because my parents were super antisocial with our extended family. I went to some big family events where I barely knew people and didn’t have a chance to get close to them–and that was it. Now that I’m in my mid-20s I have loads of family members that I vaguely remember but have zero relationship with, and it sucks. I have thought about reaching out to them dozens of times, but resisted because I was worried they’d have the exact reaction that you did. It seems like, for whatever reason, your relative is just regretting that they’re not closer to you and other family members.

          1. Someone else*

            Thanks for this perspective. My family dynamic wasn’t quite like you describe. I had decent relationships with plenty of extended family, just not this person, mostly I think because of age difference? So like a 17 year old not being terribly interested in chatting up 10 year old me at Great-Grandmother’s 100th birthday was not shocking at the time. Combine that with infrequency of seeing each other before then and not seeing each other since and…that’s how we got here. I’m actually not even sure I’ve got the age difference right.

            I hope I didn’t scare you off from reaching out to your own relatives though. I think if you reached out and also said why, roughly as you did here, you’d significantly reduce the chances of getting a reaction like mine.

            1. The Emotional One In The Family*

              I’m not *your* cousin, but I was that cousin a number of years ago.

              I have some very strong, very good childhood memories of a couple of summers where we spent a few weeks with two of my older cousins… and then my father and his sister had a massive falling out, and haven’t spoken to each other since. After that he slowly cut out everyone from that side of the family, and took us with him.

              When I was pregnant with my first kid – about 20 years after everything shook out – I was thinking about family a lot, and got very nostalgic for the family members I remembered from those years. I ended up firing off a number of ‘hi how are yous’ out of the blue. One aunt got back to me, no-one else did, and I ended up giving up on that branch of the family tree. But I still treasure those memories, and if they ever decided to get in touch again I’d be thrilled.

              All that to say yes, there’s probably a memory difference in your experiences of family and each other. Could it be that your relative is undergoing some kind of change in life circumstances that’s leading her to think about family? Unless you have reason to think it would unleash problems, I can’t imagine there’d be much harm in saying hi back.

              1. Someone else*

                When you reached out did you mention why? That you were hoping to reconnect or any kind of context? Because I think for me, if Relative had said something like “hey I know we’re not close but I’d like to change that” or “hey I’ll be in your area and would love to catch up” or “hey I’m moving to your area and don’t know anyone else in town” etc, I’m not necessarily up for that but I’d also not find the ask itself odd. It’s they “hey, long time no talk” when we’ve never talked that I’m finding myself puzzled about.

                I completely agree there’s no harm in saying hi back. I don’t expect it to unleash problems. I don’t really think it’ll unleash…anything. I was really just finding myself puzzled. But what I’m gathering from most of the replies I’ve received is that even though there was no conspicuous (to me) Why, I guess it’s very obvious to enough others that “I want to have a connection to some family members, any family members” is a common enough thing. That just wasn’t intuitive to me. I don’t know if this person had any kind of change in life circumstances. I was under the impression this person is/was close to other relatives with whom I am also not close. So it wouldn’t have occurred to me that there is some sort of family void to fill, but it’s certainly possible. I don’t really know.

                1. The Emotional One In The Family*

                  This was more than a decade ago now so I don’t remember the exact wording – it was definitely more along the lines of ‘been thinking of you lately’ than ‘spend time with me’.

                  To my mind, reaching out with an email was already asking for something from them (in terms of time spent reading it, if nothing else; emotional investment and time spent replying, if they were so moved). If a wave-from-far-away didn’t get a response, I wasn’t going to compound the intrusion I was already making by asking about visits or a rundown on their town.

          2. LCL*

            It sucks worse when you get to your mid fifties and are in the same place. I am speaking from personal experience.

    5. Odelie*

      I really wish that my relatives would reach out to me. (And I also say this as an introvert.) We were so close when we were young and I always saw them at family parties, but people move away, grow up, and life gets in the way. My cousin got married last July and I probably see/interact with her once every 3 or so years- we still chat and catch up with things and I’m happy when I see her or my Aunt and Uncle. She got married on my birthday and gave a little birthday shout out to me, so that was very sweet.

      It’s up to you though to do what you want. Maybe they’re going through something and/or just want to reach out.

      1. Someone else*

        Thanks. Just to be perhaps clearer than I was originally: if I’d received the same message from someone I was close to when I was young and then we drifted, I wouldn’t have been so thrown off, regardless of how much time had passed. I guess maybe we just put each other into different categories? Like I think of this person as Person I Barely Met but this person must think of me as lumped in with various fond childhood memories?

    6. LCL*

      You sound exactly like mom, re attitudes towards socialization. You have the right to be however you want, but yeah, you are a little antisocial.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I must be the same sort of unkind as you, because my first thought would be “what MLM are you selling?”

      But my second thought might be that the “ask” could be something more personal – maybe they’re doing a family history project, or planning a reunion. Maybe they’re considering a job in my area and want to find out about the town. Maybe their kid is considering college here and they want a family contact.

      Or maybe they have a sick parent. Maybe they’re feeling nostalgic or lonely.

      Wanting something doesn’t have to be an exploitive or obnoxious thing.

      But I would probably have my guard up when I returned the message.

  59. Loopy*

    Any electric toothbrush fans here? I’ve heard good things and am starting to try and take better care of my teeth beyond the basic brushing. I’d love to hear feedback on if it’s worth it to drop some serious cash on a good one. There’s a deal for a set for $120 at Costco this month…

    Any other above and beyond dental care productive recs welcome, especially if you’ve noticed any whitening!!

    1. Anonerson*

      I love my Philips Sonicare DiamondClean. Expensive, but I haven’t regretted it once in the three years I’ve had it, and my teeth do look noticeably whiter than when I used a manual (still using the same Colgate toothpaste, so it’s definitely the brush).

    2. msroboto*

      I use a Phillips DiamondClean as well. Also, I use a waterpik. I have been pretty steady using this and the last time I went for a cleaning they noticed the improvement in my gums.

      1. Loopy*

        Gum issues during a dental cleaning started me on this project so I’m definitely curious about a waterpik now. I’ve never heard of it. Off to Google.

        1. CAA*

          I also recommend a Waterpik (or other water flosser). It’s made a huge difference in my gum health in just 4 months.

    3. Nacho*

      I got one for about $30 on Amazon. I’m not sure what you’d get out of spending 4 times that much.

      1. Loopy*

        Normally I’d be with you but I’ve read reviews of people who upgraded to the Sonicare ones and noticed a huge difference.

    4. FD*

      They are WAY better than non-electric toothbrushes. It’s crazy how much more rarely I get cavities after switching.

      They get you on the replacement heads, so look at the prices on those, not on the brush itself. I like the Arm and Hammer Spinbrush Pro, which is cheaper than the fancier Oral B and works just as well IMO. (It does use two AA batteries, but I find that it lasts more than a month brushing twice a day.)

      Also if flossing is a pain, check out the Listerine Ultraclean Access Flosser. It’s like those flosser sticks but on a long handle! I have my wisdom teeth so getting back there with traditional floss is a pain in the butt.

    5. DietCokeHead*

      I have a sonicare and I like it. I’ve definitely noticed a difference after using it regularly. My gums were bleeding like crazy during my cleanings before I started using the sonicare.

    6. Oxford Coma*

      I have a Sonicare and am considering switching to the Oral B model. I have some gum erosion around an implant, and my dentist said to stop sawing back-and-forth brushing, and to switch to circular brushing instead. So, apparently that Oral B commercial isn’t total BS, which really surprises my cynical self.

      1. Loopy*

        I hadn’t even started shopping around, now I’m indecisive. Both are very well reviewed so it’s hard to pick one over the other. I think either will be a huge improvement over my current manual toothbrush though!

    7. Call me St. Vincent*

      My dental hygienist swears by the Oral B 5000. I use a Sonicare and she says that the Oral B 5000 is greatly superior and she wants me to get one as soon as the Sonicare dies. The Sonicare has served me well though and has definitely improved my teeth and gum health. Highly recommend an electric toothbrush.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m definitely sure I’ll go electric. It seems like I can only go up either way but the Oral B model does also look good. It may come down to price. Costco has a set for 120 whereas a single Oral B is about 100. This way I can get one for my S/O if he’s interested, or have a back up for myself if he’s not.

    8. The New Wanderer*

      I have a SoniCare – they take some getting used to, all that vibration in your hand and the buzzing if you touch any of your teeth to the handle. I haven’t noticed a whitening effect even using the whitening setting, which is just an extra 30 seconds at the end to polish the front teeth a bit longer. Also I thought it would help with tartar issues but it hasn’t as much as I hoped (okay, flossing actually would help but I’m lazy). BUT, I like it and I feel like my teeth get cleaner when I use it.

      The knockoff replacement heads work just as well as the originals for a lot less money.

    9. Woodswoman*

      Before you splurge on an electric toothbrush, you may want to try a low tech, cheaper alternative–Dr. Barman’s Superbrush toothbrush. I was consistently having bleeding gums. My dentist gave me one of these differently designed toothbrushes to try a few years ago, and my gums haven’t had any problems since. Check it out and you’ll find lots of positive reviews online: http://drbarmans.com/products_1/toothbrushes/superbrush/ with

    10. Gatomon*

      I’ve used Sonicare for ~15 years. No cavities, and I’m a lazy brusher. You don’t need the top-end version. I’ve always used the most basic variety and it does the same thing. The brush heads ARE expensive… but probably cheaper than seeing the dentist all the time. My original Sonicare’s battery eventually gave up and died, couldn’t get through a brushing. I think it was nearly 10 years old at that point though.

    11. Cambridge Comma*

      Ask your dentist first as mine told me, after I’d bought the electric one, that my gums weren’t suitable for electric brushing.

    12. Cristina in England*

      I used to use conventional electric Oral-B toothbrushes but I got tired of spending £100 every five years when the battery finally stopped holding a charge. Now I have three AA battery-powered Oral B toothbrushes. This works better for me because, at £5 each (on sale from £8-9) plus batteries, the costs are possibly similar in the long run but I get to have one in the kitchen, and one in each bathroom. This means I am more likely to be able to brush after breakfast and if my husband is in the shower.

    13. M.e.*

      I’m on my second version of an Oral B electric toothbrush. I love it because:
      a) it has a timer so I know exactly how long to spend brushing
      b) I don’t have to think, I literally just have to move the brush around while it does all the work
      c) my dentist commented that my teeth/gums looked great even after not going for 2 years (I still had 2 cavities, but that’s because I don’t floss enough and I have extremely tight teeth).

      My first model is still running (it’s my travel toothbrush) and I only upgraded to a newer model to get the timer feature. I’ve had the second one for over 3 years and I would buy it again.

  60. bibliovore*

    Trigger Thumb?
    Admittedly self-diagnosed but can’t see my orthopedist until May 9. Huge pain. NSAIDS not helping. Ice not helping. Compression gloves not helping. Should I get an over the counter brace? Massage not helping.

    Anyone ever have this. Can you help me?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I had it. It’s horrible. Can you make an appointment with a different orthopedist who will see you sooner? They’ll give you a shot of cortisone and it will fix it immediately.

      1. bibliovore*

        Thanks. I have a connective tissue disorder that impacts my ligaments and take high doses of NSAIDs plus steroids for asthma control. That is why the super specialist who has only one clinic day a month. I will check with the clinic and see if there someone else who can see me sooner.

    2. Colleen*

      I had trigger finger and I got a brace to keep it straight and used it while I slept. It helped a lot. Good luck to you!

  61. stitchinthyme*

    Anyone know a good cat litter for cats who produce a LOT of urine? We had been using crystal litter for the last few years, and changing it once every few weeks; now it gets completely slushy within about a day or two. Tried to switch to clumping, but it gets solid within a day. Everything we can find by Googling suggests pine litter — which we used to use before we switched to the crystals, but which I hated because when it turns to sawdust they track it all over the house. (Which is no mean feat given that the litter boxes are in the basement.) Is there any alternative we’re missing, or are we just stuck going back to the pine? And if so, any good ways to keep the tracking to a minimum?

    (Note: please do not suggest I bring the cats to the vet; we do so regularly and our vet is well aware of the problem — she says both cats are old and are starting to have kidney issues, and plus they’re both on medications that cause them to pee more.)

    1. Melody Pond*

      I like the wood pellets (which I think is the same thing as the pine you mention). I just buy the stuff that’s marketed as fuel for a pellet stove, rather than the stuff that’s marketed as kitty litter. It’s about $5-$6 for a 40 lb bag, as I recall.

      And I would just put a smaller amount in the litter box, expect that it’s going to get soaked up pretty much each day, and I wouldn’t bother actually sifting and cleaning it. I’d just separate the kitty poop, and then toss all of it out on a daily, or every-other-day basis.

      My cat is elderly and has kidney disease, so she pees a lot as well. This is pretty much what I do now.

      1. Sylvan*

        I have an old cat with kidney failure who tracks other litter out of the box. sWheat Scoop is a clumping litter, so it does need to be scooped and replaced pretty quickly, but it doesn’t have the scent or tracking problems of other litter.

    3. FD*

      Dr. Elsey’s in the blue bag worked wonders for my kitty. Does a really good job of clumping and doesn’t track too badly.

    4. Red Sky*

      I recently saw an advertisement to Tidy Cats Breeze Litter Box System where there are disposable pee pads below a grated litter box that uses dust free/non-tracking pellets so any urine drains thru to the pee pads which can be changed without having to deal with the litter. Depending on how much they’re peeing, this might be a solution.

      1. Kage*

        We used this system for our previous cat and loved it. We mainly got it to help reduce how much litter she was tracking everywhere (the larger pellets just didn’t get caught in her paws the same way). But being able to dump out a pad, wash/dry the tray, and throw it back in the box with a new pad was a great time saver. I feel like we also found/got flushable pellets so sifting also was easy cleanup (the joys of a small apartment => everyone’s bathroom was the same bathroom). I might be mis-remembering that fact though as this was over 5 years ago now…

    5. Nic*

      I’m a big fan of Pretty Litter. It’s a crystal that absorbs the urine and evaporates the water out. It also desiccates and the feces, cutting down significantly on smell. It changes color based on ph or blood in the urine, so that’s useful. Best yet, it’s a subscription/delivery service.

  62. Ruth (UK)*

    Does/has anyone use[d] duolingo to learn a language? I’m currently at duolingo level 7 in French but am also combining it with taking French classes – I’ve only had 1 class so far, as I started recently. I think it seems like a pretty good app though I’m not sure how useful it might be without other input (eg. classes, or available people to practice talking to).

    I think I have quite a basic level of French at the moment. I could do a lot of basic functional conversations (order food, etc) but I definitely couldn’t hold a social conversation beyond greetings/introductions and maybe some basic pleasantries.

    I wonder if anyone here has ever finished all the duolingo levels in a language, and what level of fluency it they feel it gave them (and whether they combined it with other forms of learning, and to what extent).

    1. Gaia*

      I use it sometimes to practice Spanish. My favorite sentence it had me learn?

      La tortuga bebe leche: The turtle drinks milk.

      1. Femme d'Afrique*

        I am proud to report that I can now ask, “are we men?” in Portuguese. Can’t wait to use it!

    2. Roja*

      I’ve finished the French tree and feel like it was nice but not more than that. I’m doing a lot of other things, like using italki for language partners, kwiziq for grammar, Anki for vocab flashcards, youtube for videos, various online sources for reading, and I just discovered HiNative, which seems like it’ll be a useful resource going forward.

    3. Turtlewings*

      I’ve used it in the past to keep in practice with my Spanish. It was fine for vocab but I was baffled that it really didn’t teach a darn thing about grammar (though it still tested you on it!). Maybe I was doing it wrong somehow??

      1. Oxford Coma*

        Same here. I got frustrated with it because it seemed to expect me to magically understand irregular conjugation while it kept quizzing me on the nouns. I had to do side research to figure out what was going on.

        1. Femme d'Afrique*

          Late to this but I have the same problem with Duolingo. I’m trying to learn Portuguese (22% fluent, yay! Haha) but I’m having difficulty with conjugation and grammar. I’m sticking with it though because, what the heck, it’s free, right? :)

    4. Fiennes*

      I’m using Italian now, as is my partner. He’s finished the course, while I’m not even halfway through. We’re spending some extended time in Italy this summer, so I can let you know more how it works once we’re back! I can say that my partner is now reading children’s books in Italian fairly smoothly, so the course at least provides a starting place.

    5. Quoth the Raven*

      I tried it with French (which I already studied in middle and high school and read in regularly, so I had the basics down) and with German (zero knowledge). For the former I think it helped me remember some of the things that had gotten rusty throughout the years; for the latter I don’t think I learnt much at all.

      I think it can be useful if you already have a grasp of the language and you simply want to further or practice it, but definitely not for the basics. I need more of structure, so to speak, and someone who will explain the basics to me so I can build on them rather than having me guess, which I feel is what Duolingo does.

      1. Lilith*

        I agree! Not enough structure for me to learn a new language, but perfect for brushing up on vocab for a language I learned before. I’m also pretty good at languages so I was able to pick up a bit of Spanish (enough to get by reading signs and maps while on vacation in Spain), but I am definitely not fluent after using duolingo. I did take a few years of Spanish and Latin in high school so that helped (never went past basics for Spanish though).

    6. Cambridge Comma*

      I did the whole Spanish tree and the only thing it helped me with is learning where to put the accents.
      I did the assessment test for a language I speak perfectly (to the extent that native speakers don’t notice I’m not one) and I got 18%. I did it in a language I did at school and not since and got twice that, so I don’t think their algorithms work much. I’d do it for fun if you enjoy it.

      1. Quoth the Raven*

        Yeah, I did the assessment test for Spanish too (my native and main language) and while it did put me in one of the last tiers, it should have placed me on the last one.

        I think some of the sentences they use are very awkward, too. I don’t mean the “the turtle drinks milk” ones, but the structures of some don’t sound natural at all.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I use it for reviewing German, I already speak German but need practise. I find it perfect for that purpose, since the app finds the grammar mistakes when I write. I also improve my English at the same time, since I have to translate between German and English. The discussions in the comments are interesting too.

    8. Mephyle*

      Within the past couple of weeks, Duolingo has revamped (I don’t know whether globally, but on all three languages I’m working on). The trees are now much fuller, and I feel I will learn a lot more.
      Some other resources to combine it with would be: Memrise, [language]pod101 (in your case, Frenchpod101), and watching movies and listening to radio stations in the language.

    9. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

      Little bit late on the reply, but hoping this might still be helpful! I’ve used DuoLingo quite a bit, and have done several language trees (but only one to completion). I studied German in high school, and used Duo to brush up on it a bit. I didn’t need any help with the grammar because I’d learned it all; it was really just refamiliarizing myself with the vocabulary. I also did Arabic, which I studied in college and grad school. The program was in beta at that point (might still be) and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it for someone who doesn’t already speak the language and want some extra practice. They gave no introduction to the alphabet, sounds, etc. Just straight into practice. And Arabic is extremely grammar-heavy and complex so… not ideal.

      I did Italian to completion, and I felt I became reasonably proficient with it. However I was not starting from a totally blank slate. I had studied French and Latin previously, and I had an Italian friend I was able to ask grammatical questions of, and get some nitty-gritty answers that weren’t provided through Duo.

      I also dabbled a bit in Spanish, Swedish, and Irish. I’m naturally good at languages so the grammar wasn’t a problem for me to pick up, or dig into on the side. I gave up Irish pretty fast because the relationship of spelling to sounds is really complex and I didn’t feel I was getting much out of doing Duo solo on it. I’d recommend pairing it with actual instruction. Swedish wasn’t bad (especially with a foundation in German), and Spanish was quite easy.

      Overall, I’d recommend it most when done with another source of instruction, or to maintain proficiency after finishing a course of study. Classes, working your way through textbooks, having a friend to ask questions of, whatever. It’s great for vocab learning and motivating you to get some studying in every day (repetition is key), but grammatical constructions are never really explained and they’re often thrown at you unexpectedly and, imo, unfairly (like being asked to translate something into the passive voice, when you haven’t *learned* the passive yet, because someone behind the design of that tree mistook a passive for a past tense).

  63. Gaia*

    So I’ve come to realize I have an issue that I need to address but I’m not sure where to start.

    I’ve been in 2 semi-serious car accidents in my life. Both involving rear end collisions (one was my fault, the other wasn’t). Both left me a bit banged up physically but not too bad and (I thought) pretty okay mentally. But I think I might be wrong on that second point. You see, I’m what I’ve always called a nervous driver/more nervous passenger. I get a bit anxious when driving when someone is coming to a stop behind me (I’ll move forward even if I have no reason to believe they won’t stop in plenty time). I react when cars turn (perfectly safely) in front of me. But that is when I’m driving. Overall, I feel fine and just get a bit skittish in situations that somewhat resemble my accidents.

    When I’m a passenger? All bets are off. I feel outright panic when approaching any other cars and when stopping. I will grip the door frame to brace myself. My heart pounds and vision blurs. I do better when I’m in the backseat (I think because I’m a bit removed and therefore feel safer) but generally I feel out of control. It never lasts and most people just laugh it off and we move on. But today I recently decided I can’t move to a city I really love because of the level of anxiety I feel in the car there (it hits all my trigger points).

    Now it it is impacting decisions around where I live it feels…not quite rational. Everything I read online about this links it to agoraphobia which is really not the case here. I have no issue being out and about – I have serious anxiety over car accidents. Any recommendations on where to start addressing this. For the record, as much as I support counseling and therapy, for a number of reasons that really isn’t an option at the moment but might be in the not-too-distant future

    1. Enough*

      Understandable about it being worse as a passenger. As the driver you have some control of the situation but as a passenger you have none.
      Like the responses to the bicyclist above you might try short trips at low traffic times in very familiar areas. And make a conscience effort to not move the car or look in the rearview once stopped. As you get more comfortable start going to less familiar areas and/or more traffic.
      Find a friend or two who will do the same thing for you as a passenger.

    2. Woodswoman*

      What you’re experiencing is reliving your previous trauma. Therapy with a counselor can address these issues. Two methods that are widely viewed as effective are EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). My personal experience is with EMDR, and I hear equally positive things about CBT. The idea, in my layperson’s knowledge, is that you rewire your nervous system so you can stay in the present and not trigger the previous experience in day to day situations.

      EMDR was developed specifically for healing trauma. Unlike traditional talk therapy that can take a long time, it’s designed to move you past the trauma quickly. It’s not a thing where you talk about your childhood, etc. It’s focused on the triggering event. For me, I felt relief with just one session and the two follow-ups really settled it down and I’m no longer triggered. Of course everyone’s experience is different so yours might take longer, but EMDR is not something that typically takes extended lengths of time.

      Like all therapy, finding the right match is the key to it working. I was lucky that someone recommended my therapist and she was a great fit for me. I subsequently sent two other people to her who liked her as well. And one person who didn’t, so you never know. If possible, see if you can get a referral from a trusted source. Since EMDR and CBT are specialized, you might need to just look online. A good therapist will agree to a request for a short phone call to answer questions you may have about their approach, experience, etc. before you schedule an appointment.

      I know how crippling this kind of thing can be. The good news is that it’s possible to make it through to the other side–good luck!

    3. Phobia of highways*

      I have a severe highway phobia that’s limited my life, so I get it. There’s a couple of programs you can buy online that address this problem, if you can’t actually go to therapy. I purchased one of them, but didn’t properly follow it. So While I can’t vouch for it, it did offer a straightforward guarantee.

  64. Lady Jay*

    THANK YOU to whomever on this board recommended “The Tick.” I’ve been watching it to get through a stressful week (some work/personal risks ahead) and absolutely love it. Sometimes spoofs of a genre are really the best examples of that genre! Funny, lighthearted, heartwarming.

    What else are y’all watching?

    1. Nacho*

      I’m in the middle of re-watching Elementary on Hulu. I love crime dramas, and it’s nice to see a version of Sherlock who isn’t a total dick (unlike Cumberbatch’s).

      By the way, are you watching the new Tick or the old one? Because the new one’s good, but the old one is a serious classic, one of the best sitcoms I’ve ever watched.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I didn’t realize there was an old one! I knew The Tick was created in the 80s (IIRC), but I assumed it was an ordinary comic book. I’ll have to check out the old one.

        1. Extra Vitamins*

          There are 3 The Tick Serieses. The new one, the 2001 live action one, and the earlier animated one. I recommend them all.

    2. WillyNilly*

      I loved the old Tick, but really enjoyed the new Tick even more… despite the distraction I went to high school with [the actor who plays] TinFoil Kevin.

  65. Quake Johnson*

    One week until Inifinity War! Anybody as excited as I am? Plans for going to see it?

    1. Melody Pond*

      Super excited! I’m getting married on May 14th, and Mr. Pond and I are going to go see it on that day. The first Avengers movie in 2012 was partially responsible for us getting together in the first place, so it feels kinda “full circle” to me. :)

      Also, that’ll be a Monday, and it will have been out for a couple weeks at that point – I’m hoping a daytime showing will be fairly empty. *fingers crossed* People at movie theaters seem to be less and less considerate (or maybe I’m just getting more finicky as I get older).

      1. Quake Johnson*

        Ahhh, that’s so cool, congratulations!

        And I agree, I find people (of all ages!) seem to be getting chattier and chattier in theatres these days, without even trying to whisper.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Right??? And the whole moviegoing experience was much better before the advent of smart phones. Even back when the flip phone was the dominant cell phone technology, it seems like people weren’t quite as constantly attached to their phones. Now it seems like being detached from one’s phone for two and a half hours is apparently much too big of an ask.

          Also, I just realized what your handle is. That’s awesome!

    2. Temperance*

      I am going on Thursday night! My local AMC premieres on Thursday nights before a Friday release for big movies.

      1. Quake Johnson*

        Awesome! The big theatre in my city does that but not my tiny local neighbourhood one. I always sacrifice speed for peace and quiet.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I probably won’t see it for a few days after its debut–I haven’t gotten tickets and I’m betting all the shows are sold out for a while. I’ll just have to avoid spoilers as best I can unless I luck into a seat. This week, I’ve been re-watching all the films with Infinity stones and added Winter Soldier, Civil War, Guardians 2, and Thor: Ragnarok just for fun. Tonight I will probably watch Spider-Man: Homecoming also for fun. I thought about going to see Black Panther again, but it’s been recent enough that I think I’ll be okay.

      I’m excited but also not, since my favorite Avenger is about to end his contract and I suspect they’re going to kill him, likely in Avengers 4. That will be a six-hanky event for sure. :”””'(

      1. Quake Johnson*

        Yeah I get that, the one thing tempering my excitement is pondering over who might end up dead. :'(

    4. Fiennes*

      I plan to see it, but my enthusiasm is fairly muted—I never enjoy the team-up ones as much, because I wind up feeling like I don’t get to spend enough times with the ones I’m interested in (Captain America, Spider-Man, Black Panther) & too much with the ones that I could care less about (Ant-Man, Dr Strange). Also, Thanos (?) looks super-super CGI fake and I don’t know how I’m going to take that seriously.

      Still, I expect to have a reasonably good time. If this is the end of one or two favorites, I’ll want to see how they’re sent off.

  66. Odelie*

    I think I have either water or wax in my ear- it feels clogged. Does anyone have any tips or home remedies to try? I’ve always had ear issues, so I’ll probably end up seeing my doctor or ENT, but I just thought I’d ask.

    1. Gaia*

      I have always had ear issues. I have excess ear wax and it is a huge pain. One thing that helps is to put a drop of peroxide in the ear and tilt my head so that ear is up for a few moments. Then, tilt so that ear is down for 10 minutes (put something under your head so it doesn’t drain and make a mess).

      I’ve also had to go in and see a doctor to have my ears thoroughly cleaned. I will tell you that this was probably the most uncomfortable procedure ever (but I’m particularly sensitive and others tell me it is really no big deal).

      Good luck. Plugged ears are the worst.

    2. nep*

      I don’t know of any home remedies — but Debrox overnight worked nicely for me when I had an ear that felt blocked up.
      (When I’ve got water blocking my ear, the only way I get that satisfying release is to hop on one foot (same side as clogged ear) leaning head in that direction. But that’s just in the couple moments after getting out of the shower and when I’m sure it’s water.)
      Hope that will clear up. Ear issues are a huge drag.

    3. The Opening Act*

      If it’s wax, I recommend warm olive oil. Put a few drops in, and keep that ear tilted up for a few minutes, then tilt it down and let it drain. It’ll break up the wax and make it easier to flush out.

    4. Someone else*

      If you go to a pharmacy they have these ear syringes. They’re plastic and only cost a couple bucks. Buy one and a bottle of peroxide. At home, microwave a cup of water, not so hot it’s close to boiling, but it should be more than warm. About the same temp you’d find comfortable as a hot shower. Mix equal parts the hot water and peroxide in a cup. Fill the syringe with that mixture. Tilt your head over the sink and inject the water mixture into your ear. Make sure to press the plunger hard because part of what you’re looking for here is water pressure. Hold your head over the sink so it all drains out into the sink (or you could do this standing in the shower). Repeat until you’ve used half the liquid in one ear, then use the rest in your other ear. If there is a blockage this may dislodge it. If it doesn’t, it’ll at least soften the wax. If doing that doesn’t dislodge it, you can buy drops over the counter that soften the wax. Use those as directed for a day or two. Then repeat the above.

    5. Trixie*

      I’ve attempted most of these remedies but the only thing that truly works for me is having them cleaned regularly. Yes, odd feeling the first time but you immediately can hear clearly so it’s beyond worth it. My ear canals are small and this has been an ongoing maintenance thing since I was 12 or so. (Peroxide actually made the skin dry and itchy, while the olive oil just collected/mixed with wax and reset.)

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      Debrox! The doctor will likely just tell you to use it anyway and it’s over the counter, easy to use, and works like a charm.

    7. Fiennes*

      Get checked up ASAP. I thought the same two years ago, didn’t go to the doctor for 3 weeks—and only then discovered what I thought was clogging was in fact hearing loss. There’s a chance that if we’d treated it sooner, it wouldn’t have been permanent. The doctor said almost nobody comes in soon enough for that—everybody thinks they’re just stuffed up.

      I’m not trying to be alarmist—probably you don’t have this—but still, head on to the doc.

    8. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      It could also be allergies. I twice went to an ENT with really clogged-feeling ears. Both times I waited more than three hours, both times the doctor (actually two different doctors, both highly reviewed) shrugged and said there was no wax and the clogging was probably symptoms of a sinus problem. One of the docs recommended fluticasone proprionate (Flonase); the other recommended a saline nasal spray. In my case, the Flonase did help reduce the clogged sensation in my ears when taken for a few days. The hydrogen peroxide suggestion mentioned by several commenters above also works — at least temporarily — and is cheap, easy, and harmless if it it turns out that’s not your issue.

    9. Mimmy*

      For the last 20 or so years, I get the plugged ear feeling about once or twice a year, and it usually lasts about 2, 2 and a half weeks. I think I produce excess wax, which is not fun when you wear hearing aids.

      A previous ENT says it was due to eustachian tube dysfunction. Our current ENT suggested a nasal spray next time it happens. I may also try the remedies others above me mentioned.

      If it doesn’t go away or keeps recurring, I’d get it checked out by an ENT.

    10. MechanicalPencil*

      Ear candles. It’s homeopathic. Kind of. My mom produces excess wax and picks these up at health stores. I do the actual burning. You can probably Google and find more info. It produces a vacuum and pulls out the wax.

  67. Roja*

    Urgh. So we tried hosting an exchange student this year, and it went absolutely horribly, to the point where the student had to be sent home mid-year. We’re trying again this coming school year, and I just sent off the hello email to our new student. He seems to be a decent kid, should fit well with our family, but I’m still having nightmares about him being horrible. Plus, I just realized I sent off the wrong email draft to him as first contact. Hmph. Just resent the proper draft and hopefully he’ll just read that one! I’m hoping once he emails back, we’ll get a better sense of his personality and there won’t be any more nightmares and general anxiety about it. Anyone have any encouragement going forward?

    1. Loopy*

      I’ve never done it myself but my dad hosted some (his were grad students through, so- older) before I was born and my aunt hosted ones for years and both had positive experiences and look back on the students with fondness- so it can be a good experience for sure! Sorry I dont have any tips!

      1. Roja*

        Grad students would be fun! Thanks for the encouragement–I just need to be reminded that lots of people do this and really enjoy it. My family had two exchange students when I was growing up, both of which were good experiences. Fingers crossed this one will be good too!

    2. Becky*

      My friend hosted an exchange student both last year and this year and has enjoyed it a lot. What kind of issues did you run into–was it cultural differences? was it personality clashes? was it poor behavior/decision making by the student?

      My friend’s students have both been female and from Japan and both were very much on the quiet side but they seemed to enjoy the experience.

      1. Roja*

        Poor behavior from the student. We were her second host family, and we tried repeatedly to make it work, but no luck. Finally she requested another family transfer (to our great relief), and burned through that one too. After she told the third host family exactly what she thought of Americans in language that I can’t repeat but was highly inappropriate, the program sent her home. To everyone’s great relief!

        We’re actually very lucky that our coordinator is such good friends with the district superintendent and pulled some strings. It was such a bad experience for the school (not just this student; there was another issue with a different student too) that they weren’t going to allow the program to have a student at the school this year–a shame, since the program has had really good success in this area thus far. Kind of like the perfect storm this year.

        But still, it was such a horrible experience that I’m apprehensive. If this student is a decent person, it should work fine, despite any cultural differences that might arise. Most things, after all, can be worked through as long as both parties are coming to the table in good faith. But I’m hoping for a better result, since we got to pick the student this time around. This young man shares a lot of hobbies with us and seems like a very thoughtful and kind individual.

        1. Observer*

          Three families? Wow!

          I wonder what went wrong with their vetting process. I would have expected them to weed out the kids who are unlikely to succeed.

          1. Roja*

            We’re not sure. We’ve wondered that too. Her application materials didn’t have any red flags in them, or we wouldn’t have taken her, so I can see how the vetting process cleared her. It was just such a weird experience, besides being generally quite bad. Hopefully better luck this time!!

    3. Jillociraptor*

      We had an exchange student from France stay with us the summer after I graduated from high school. We had an awesome time, and still stay in touch. She came back to visit a couple summers later, stayed with me at my dorm in college, etc. I’m still in touch with a few other people who came to my school as exchange students from Indonesia, Germany, Israel, France… I’m not sure how my rural small town became such a destination but we always had at least a couple dozen exchange students. It was a really great experience in a town that was otherwise pretty homogenous. It was the start of being able to have a bit more of an objective view on my own cultural norms.

      I hope your student ends up being a great, fun fit for you!

      1. Roja*

        Thank you! And wow–several dozen at once in the same school! Our school allows two, and that seems like a lot for our tiny rural town. Our rural area has hosted about a hundred in the last decade, something that really surprises (but pleases) me!

    4. Fes*

      When I was in middle school and high school, my family hosted many exchange students. One went badly, and the rest were excellent. I am still really good friends with one of our former exchange students, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I will be flying out to her country next summer to go to her wedding.

      I don’t know if you have kids, but it really was a great experience for me and opened up my worldview from a young age. Several did say rude things about Americans, but you just have to let that roll off your shoulders and hope they are realizing from their experience that not all stereotypes are true.

      1. Roja*

        No kids yet, nope! It’s good to hear the majority were really fun to have. That’s the kind of relationship I’d like to have with our student(s)… long-term!

  68. Turtlewings*

    I’ve recently adopted a dog who is deaf, or functionally so — she can hear a few loud noises, like a close-range sneeze or very loud shout, but just talking in a normal voice she cannot hear. I’m looking for advice or resources on how to train her. I had hoped to invest in professional training but the savings I’d hoped to use for that have all gone toward her vet bills instead, so I’m on my own!

    A couple of obstacles I face are that (1) she’s 9 years old, and I know that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks, but thus far she doesn’t have that eager-to-learn puppy attitude, (2) she wasn’t born deaf, but rather has lost her hearing after repeated ear infections that her previous owners didn’t treat very effectively (remember those vet bills I mentioned?). Combined with the fact that she CAN still hear very loud things, I get the impression from her behavior that she still thinks she’s in a hearing world and it’s just that no one’s saying anything, i.e. she is not transitioning well to looking for visual signals instead.

    A particular problem I’m having with her is that I have no way to tell her to stop doing something! Whether it’s barking out the window or climbing up on the table after my food (SHE IS QUITE THE FOOD SNATCHER), I can’t shout at her to stop (unless I want to literally hurt my throat trying to get loud enough). And when I try to physically stop her from doing something — such as shoving her away from my plate or dragging her out of the room — she snaps at me! She hasn’t bitten anyone yet and I am honestly not that intimidated by 25 pounds of fluff with worn-down teeth, but it’s hardly the behavior I want.

    Has anyone dealt with deaf dogs or have any advice to give?

    1. fposte*

      Whoa, snapping at you is a big deal, no matter what her size; bodily moving dogs around also tends to make them more snappish rather than less, because they can’t trust you to negotiate space non-forcefully.

      There are some good websites about training deaf dogs, including a section on the AKC site, so I’d Google those and have a read. You’re saying that she’s not looking for visual signals, but that’s something you can train her to look for; get out the treat box or the toy box and proceed as if you were training her onto a clicker.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I get what you’re saying about forcibly moving her, but like… I’m not going to sit there and let her eat my dinner, so my options are limited… :/

        I know that I should be able to train her to look at me, but how do you start?? Even if I successfully train her to recognize a “look at me” signal, she has to look at me to see it… and I’m so much taller than her (she’s a Corgi mix, very low to the ground) that she simply doesn’t look up at me that often, at least not when I want her to. I’ll check out the AKC site like you mentioned.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I get it’s tough; it’s just a worrying setup right now. But do look at the sites, and as Ali G mentioned, there are vibrating collars; you can also train her to cue on lights or other vibrations you make. (It’s possible also that there are frequencies she’s retained more hearing on, but I would really focus on non-auditory cueing since she may lose what she’s got as she ages anyway.)

        2. Gatomon*

          If she can’t behave while you’re eating, remove her from the room in advance. Maybe you can’t train her not to food snatch, but you could eliminate the opportunity to misbehave.

          1. fposte*

            That’s a really good point–resource defense is going to make a lot of dogs more aggressive.

    2. Gaia*

      Dogs are actually very adept at learning hand commands. You can tell her not to do something, you just have to train her to recognize the commands and train the behavior you want (and until then, create situations where she can’t misbehave).

      Also, regarding the snapping, remember that dogs who are deaf are easily frightened and a dog that snaps is often a dog that is scared. She could have bitten but chose to warn instead. It isn’t good – she really can’t be snapping at people – but it means she can learn and you can help her by putting her in the right situations.

      1. Turtlewings*

        She does startle easily and I totally get it, of course she does, she can’t hear me coming. She’s not an aggressive dog at all (for instance, she’s amazingly patient with my toddler nephew and has never offered to snap at him), she just doesn’t like being manhandled. I just feel like I don’t have any other way of communicating with her yet. Before I can teach her hand commands, I have to find a way to teach her to LOOK at me when I want her to.

        1. Gaia*

          It is going to start with controlling her situations. Until she understands what is expected of her, she cannot be left alone with something that will tempt her. She is, effectively, a puppy. When I worked with a deaf dog I found that I literally had to have him tethered to me when I wasn’t going to be in his line of sight. Alternatively, he’d go in the crate if I needed to step away for a moment and there were things he could get into.

          Good luck. I know this isn’t easy but you’re doing a good and kind thing by helping this dog.

    3. Ali G*

      I would try a vibrating collar. It does not hurt, and you can teach her that when the collar vibrates, she needs to look at you for commands. I’m not an expert, but that is a place to start. My guess is the snapping is because she is surprised about you grabbing you , although that is still not acceptable. I would actually recommend professional help. I know it’s expensive (I had to to do it with my dog), but it does work.

    4. animal shelter*

      Where did you adopt her from? I’m a bit shocked they just let you with any resources. But it might be worth going back to them and asking.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Stomp your foot on the floor to indicate you want her to look at you. I guess I would start out by stomping my foot and giving her a treat when she looked at me or came to me.

      When you are in a situation where she might snap, use a spritzer of water instead of your hands.
      You can stomp on the floor to get her attention, show the spritzer. If she does not stop, squirt her. Not in the face, definitely not the ears either. You can get spritzers at the dollar store and have several around the house.

  69. SciDiver*

    I’ve had chronic knee pain that flares up every now and again for the last 6 years and this week it’s been acting up again (but only on one side thankfully!). Maybe happens 3-4 weeks out of the year, but it’s awful when it gets bad–can’t sit for long periods of time, crouching/squatting is impossible, even going up and down stairs is incredibly painful. Trouble is, if I let anyone know I’m in pain e.g. wincing, unintentional sharp inhales, or just moving slower in general, I get people telling me “Wait until you’re older! Then you’ll have real pain to deal with!”… I’m all too aware of the fact that it’s absurd I have this kind of pain at 23. Any good quips for handling this type of scenario?

    1. Lily Evans*

      “I’m actually one hundred and twelve, I’ve just had some really good botox.” If you want to go the lighthearted route. Usually people who are shortsighted enough to say things like that aren’t worth giving a full explanation to.

      2. SciDiver*

        This is great! I definitely get tired of explaining the whole business to people, this is a good out to use.

    3. Enough*

      You have my sympathies. Daughter is 23 and played college soccer. Played thru pain (knees and back) and just wanted to deck all those who whined about their ‘injuries’. She was also an athletic training major and knew they weren’t following their rehab protocols.

  70. exhausted and sad anon*

    TLDR: How do you get yourself on the right track when you think you are depressed but you have to travel all the time, and you cannot (truly cannot) take a vacation for awhile, and work is exhausting you?

    Me: eating and drinking my feelings as those things are all I look forward to anymore. In a new-ish city, ashamed to try to socialize because I have gotten fat and everyone here is gorgeous. I have few people to talk to for support because most of my friends and certainly my family have enough on them already (dying relatives, recovering from Harvey floods, etc). Working 50+hr weeks with little end in sight, and am working in another state about 75% of the time so when I do get home I’m just drained and just want to nest. I know I need to get outside, exercise, etc – and I used to be a gym rat, and I used to love to hike. I’m hoping spring will soon restore that joy to me.

    I don’t even know where to start. I have got to get a handle on myself. Alcoholism is strong in my family and I know I’m just trying to deal with loneliness…but I’m so lost on how to start down a good path with therapy or whatever because I’m rarely home and so damn tired when I AM home. Any advice?? Thanks for reading.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry. Can you try baby steps? Maybe a walk around the block when you get home, either in your work clothes or with whatever you need left right inside the door so you don’t get fully in before you turn around? Is there a possibility you could take a Friday off for just a daycation at home? Even if it means you have to do more the rest of the week, the mental distance can be really helpful.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Maybe you will find something useful in Caroline Arnold’s book Small Move, Big Change. Building on fposte’s “baby steps”, I will say Caroline Arnold makes a very good case for small, incremental changes that do not put pressure on or exhaust you, but the “marginal gains” of which add up geometrically instead of arithmetically. It worked for me, anyway – started with a walk around my block at night (half-hour of light walking) and less that six month later I had a very rigorous walking / running daily routine, without thinking. If you are the type that is able to put book information into action, that might give you some ideas.

    4. N Twello*

      It sounds like your work environment is not a healthy place for you. You should really consider your alternatives, either by finding a new job or getting a new position with your current employer. Or, if you can afford it, just quit and take some time off to travel or study or… whatever. Life is too short to accept a job that makes you physically and emotionally sick.

      Do you need as much money as you make now? Maybe you’d be happier working in a flower shop or a bookstore, or starting your own business, or doing contract work part of the year.

      If none of that appeals, consider talking to your boss/HR about your hours. You’re working too much and it sounds like you’re burned out.

    5. exhausted and sad anon*

      Thanks everyone for the suggestions. We are going through some schedule changes so maybe I could have a 3-day weekend. Spring has arrived in the city where I have to travel, so I do have more incentive to get outside. I have added that book to my goodreads list & will see if I can find it – baby steps actually sounds like a good way to get started. I do think I will see my doc some week when I’m in town. This work situations should be fairly short-lived (until July at worst), and I just joined this team so I don’t want to quit or anything, but I just need to find a way to stop the downhill slide until I have a little breathing room.

      Thanks again for reading!

    6. Thursday Next*

      Elaborating on the baby steps idea, one thing I’ve found helpful is to focus on small, beneficial changes that are relatively easy to sustain, rather than more difficult changes that will seem like deprivation.

      I also turn to food and alcohol when I am anxious or depressed, and trying to avoid drinking or eating poorly is too high a bar, and can make me more stressed. I’ve found success when I’m aiming for things not directly related to eating and drinking, or not related to taking away something I find comforting. So, for example, I’ve set a goal of using a meditation app (I use Calm) for at least 5 minutes daily, or flossing my teeth nightly. Or when I sense a bad stretch coming on, I’ve set a goal of having a serving of vegetables at breakfast (rather than telling myself to knock off the ice cream). Or a “schedule” where I email or text a friend X times in a week. Just little, incremental incursions into self-care. Even a five-minute stretching session or walk—or dance break!—is great.

      And yes, see a doctor when you can.

  71. Deebot*

    I will be going to Ireland for the first time soon, to Dublin and Killarney. Any must-see recommendations or other advice? We already have lodgings. Tbanks!

    1. Red Reader*

      The highlights from the Dublin entry of my European travel journal:
      DUBLIN:
      Kiilmainham Gaol
      GPO/An Post Museum on O’Connell St
      Dublinia
      Christ Church Cathedral
      The Guinness Brewery
      Jameson distillery
      Trinity College – Book of Kells and the Long Room
      Dublin Zoo
      St Stephen’s Green
      Little Museum
      St Patrick’s (I planned just to look around, but as I got there, they were turfing tourists out because a service was beginning soon. Upon reading that the service in question was an Anglican evensong service in honor of the International Day Against Homophobia, I decided to stay for the service, so I went to church at St. Patrick’s.)
      Garden of Remembrance
      Temple Bar
      a 1916 Rising walking tour with a guide who was holy crap Republican (as in Irish Republican) and Socialist and very funny and knowledgeable
      National Museum of Archaeology
      National Museum of Decorative Arts and [military] History (weird combo, but awesome museum)

      1. Roja*

        Dublinia was one of my family’s favorites too. Totally unexpected but very worth the visit.

      2. IrishCailin*

        These are all great to do in Dublin! In addition to the Garden of Remembrance the Islandbridge War Memorial Gardens are beautiful

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      If you go to Dublin and you drink alcohol, I highly recommend the literary pub crawl. They take you to all the famous literary pubs where famous writers (e.g. James Joyce) used to go and there are actors who do dramatic reenactments and readings. It was so much fun and I learned a lot.

    3. Kris*

      Newgrange was one of the highlights of my trip to Ireland. I took a bus tour that left Dublin around 10 in the morning, visited Newgrange and the Hill of Tara, and got back to Dublin around 4 p.m. Link in my username.

        1. JenM*

          Ok so a nice fairly easy route (about 45k) is Killarney and head out the fossa way for about 7k (which is tarmac but off the road) turn left after the hotel Europe for the Gap of Dunloe, through the gap and into the black valley, along the valley and then at the end turn up for molls gap …. at molls turn left for Killarney … lovely day out with nice coffee shops to stop at (one at each of the gaps and one in Lord Brandon’s cottage which is only a small detour in the valley but worth it). There is a woodland trail from the cottage to Torc waterfall along the upper lake (it is too rough for a racer).

        2. JenM*

          Also for walks if the weather is clear a climb up torc mountain gives you the best views of Killarney than from any of the mountains and it is a fairly easy climb with railway sleepers all the way so you don’t need mountain boots. There is also a lovely walk in front of the mountain which is dry and about 1.5 hours around ….. a walk out to Dinis cottage for coffee is also lovely …. about 4.5 k each way from Muckross house … or you could park at the car park 1k out the road after torc waterfall and the cottage is just 1.75k from there …. both walks are beautifully isolated.

          1. JenM*

            Asked my BIL as he lives in Killarney and got these replies. Remember the weather can change in the blink of an eye and we get a lot of rain. Like a lot!! But it’s a beautiful part of the world. Hope you have a great trip.

    5. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Howth is nice if you enjoy light hiking! It’s a little outside Dublin but there are buses that run there.

    6. IrishCailin*

      The lakes of Killarney are absolutely stunning and not too far from the town center. Muckross House and Gardens are quite nice, as is the whole Killarney National Park area.

      If you have a car and someone familiar with the area I’d highly recommend a trip out to Moll’s Gap. The views are amazing – really rural rugged Irish landscape; however the roads are very narrow and winding.

    7. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      In addition to what everyone else has suggested, I really enjoyed Phoenix Park (it’s huge for a city park), the Museum of Modern Art (particularly the attached garden :) ), Dublin Castle, and the Writer’s Museum. There’s a lovely little park at the end of Grafton St. too, where everyone goes to catch the sun when it comes out.
      If you like Victorian taxidermy (and if it’s open again) the Natural History Museum is an experience.
      I think it’s near Dublinia, but watch for the Viking houses laid out in the pavement – they found them as they were digging for a new building.
      Take a Hop-On/Hop-Off tour if you can – they’re a great way to see the highlights and learn your way around the city a bit. (I used the map you get for ages)
      Cross Ha’penny Bridge for free :) (heck, cross all the bridges :) )
      If you like horses and happen to be in Dublin on June 10th the Smithfield Horse Fair used to be pretty awesome. It’s out at Smithfield Market, on the north side of the Liffey (by the old Jameson Distillery).

  72. AdAgencyChick*

    Scenario: You receive an invitation to your sister-in-law’s baby shower from a friend of hers you’ve never met. There is a phone number to RSVP to, no email address. The invitation is addressed to both you and your husband. You hate the telephone. You cannot go to the shower. The hostess probably knows this, since the shower is 2000 miles from you.

    Do you:
    A) suck it up and call the stranger to RSVP no
    B) attempt to find stranger via social media to message her a no
    C) tell your husband: his sister, his job to RSVP, even though he probably won’t bother

    I’m leaning toward C, but the Miss Manners lover in me thinks I shouldn’t leave the hostess hanging like that…?

    1. CAA*

      I would do A, but if you really hate the phone too much to make a 2 minute call, then send a shower gift with a note that says you’re sorry you can’t make it. The gift is the excuse for replying by mail.

      3. WillyNilly*

        But that is essentially RSVPing to the guest of honor (key word here “guest”) and not the host. The host needs guest numbers to plan for chairs, food, favors, etc.

        1. CAA*

          No, you send the gift to the person who sent you the invitation, and whose return address you have on the envelope, not to the honoree.

    2. Red Reader*

      D – text the phone number in hopes that it’s someone’s cell phone because I don’t actually know anyone who has a land line these days :)

      1. PlantLady*

        Seconding this. If the only contact info you got is a phone number, I can almost guarantee it’s a cell number.

        1. Engineering consultant*

          Depends… my cousin’s MIL hosted a baby shower and the phone number (only contact info given) was a landline.

    3. nep*

      Just because of the relief I’d feel just having the matter out of my way, I’d suck it up and call the RSVP number…few seconds on the phone. Done. (This from someone who very much dislikes talking on the phone.)

    4. Dear liza dear liza*

      A. Last year, a cousin got engaged and I was invited to his fiancées shower. I’d never met the fiancée, the shower was 1000 mikes away, I didn’t know the host. I called to RSVP “no” and score! Got voicemail. Left a message and done.

    5. Jen*

      A. 99% chance you’ll get voicemail and if you don’t it will take 2 seconds- “hi this is X and I wanted to thank you for hosting the shower and let you know I won’t be able to attend. Have a great day!”

    6. Reba*

      C!!!!!!!! CCCCCCCCCCCCC

      Ask spouse to call real quick while you’re in the room? I mean, your spouse also bears responsibility for not leaving the person hanging.

      If you do call though, remember most people don’t pick up strange numbers.

    7. StudentA*

      The person took the time to send you an invite. It’s rude not to respond to the host. One of you, whether you or hubby, needs to do it. If I were the host and I got no RSVP, I would be annoyed. It doesn’t matter you’re 2000 miles away.

      Think of it like this: If you sent out invitations and people ignored you, we’d be telling you how rude they are.

    8. Jemima Bond*

      A) because it’s the polite thing to do, but call in the middle of a working day. That way you’ll probably get the answering machine, but even if they do pick up you have an easy excuse to keep it really short because you have to get back to work/a meeting etc.

    9. Engineering consultant*

      Option A. That’s the polite and correct thing to do. If you’re really scared of talking to someone you don’t know, then I guess you could call during the workday and leave a message to the hostess – “Hi, I’m SIL’s SIL. Husband and I regret that we will not be able to make the baby shower.” The other two options are creating more work for yourself, vs a 20 second phone message.

      That’s it. Then if you wish, send a card and gift off the registry to your SIL.

    10. Canadian Natasha*

      Looks like I’m the only one so far but I’d go with option C. (Of course I do have a huge pet peeve about women being expected to do all the social/relational work in a family, so that’s definitely a factor for me.)

    11. Someone else*

      His sister, his job to RSVP, definitely. If you’re concerned he straight won’t do it at all, text the number provided, but really, he’s an adult and it is his sister and if you tell him this is his responsibility, it should be his to handle.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Have to disagree; if he’s not the one invited, he has no obligation to RSVP.

  73. Margo the Destroyer*

    I just recently finished rewatching Eureka and Haven. I would love to watch Warehouse 13 again but it isn’t available on Prime, Hulu or Netflix. I also finished up Happy Endings & Party Down, these shows sadly didn’t have enough seasons. Do you have any recommendations on shows to watch? Some of my favorites are shows from New Zealand (Almighty Johnsons is a favorite) & Britain etc.

    Additional shows I watch to give you an idea (pretty eclectic taste): Riverdale, Magicians, IZombie, Lucifer, The Royals, Timeless, Deception, Once Upon a time.

      1. Margo the Destroyer*

        I wish you could edit on this. I should also add, I love Black Mirror, Stranger Things etc. I have seen all the originals on Netflix and Hulu as well.

        Sorry to make you all read multiple posts.

        Black Mirror completely blew me away in some episodes.

    2. Becky*

      I just got into Timeless! Loving it!

      Have you tried Dr Who? I don’t remember what is currently available where, but given your tastes you might like it. (I adore Dr. Who.) I would recommend starting with the 2005 reboot series, not the original series (though technically the reboot is a continuation…)

      1. Margo the Destroyer*

        I love Doctor Who. My taste in companions seems to be go against the grain. Cant stand Rose, but love Donna and Amy. I also really disliked Christopher Eccelston in that role. Capaldi took a long time to grow on me, whereas, after Tennant (whom I loved), Matt Smith had me at fish fingers and custard.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Oh my goodness, you just summarized my sentiments exactly.

          I recently re-watched all of Broadchurch, and now I’m actually pretty stoked to see Jodie Whittaker’s take on the role. Also, it sounds like she’s going to have multiple companions? That makes me so happy – I always like it when the TARDIS is full of people. :)

        2. Someone else*

          “Boo Rose, Yay Donna, Whoohoo Amy” is the dominant viewpoint among my friends, so I don’t think you’re quite as against the grain as you may think. Or I and my friends are part of a conveniently small sample size that agrees with you wholeheartedly.

          1. Margo the Destroyer*

            It just seems like everyone goes gaga over Rose. I found her kind of awful and she treated Mickey so terribly. I am so glad he ended with Martha.

            I am super excited to see Jodie Whittaker in the role. I get so angry seeing so many fanboys whining about the doctor being a woman. Facebook can be extremely infuriating.

            I did love the Amy Rory traveling combination, so it will be nice to see more than 1 companion at a time.

        3. Becky*

          Yeah I’m not a Rose fan either; until Clara came along, Rose was my least favorite.

          I really really disliked Clara.
          I love Amy and Rory and Donna and Martha and Jack and Bill.

    3. Pharmgirl88*

      I recently discovered “The Five” on Netflix and loved it – mystery thriller. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (Australian) is really good too.

    4. Lcsa99*

      Sounds like we have similar tastes! Have you ever seen Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies or Dead Like Me?

      1. Margo the Destroyer*

        Yes to pushing daisies and dead like me, but I haven’t been able to find wonderfalls anywhere. I love a good mystery series. I breezed through a New Zealander one called Brokenwood Mysteries with the girl who played Dawn on Almight Johnsons. Those episodes are an hour and a half each which is different from our US shows. I guess its more similar to the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries series in that way. They only do 4 a yr on that one.

        I also recently discovered a British/indian show called Good Karma Hospital. It has such a beautiful setting.

        1. Becky*

          I found I think all of Wonderfalls posted on Youtube. Probably not legally posted there, but you can find them.

  74. Milestone*

    So for the past year I’ve been counting calories to lose weight and as of today I have lost 80 pounds and officially crossed over the BMI threshold from “Obese” to “Overweight”! (Yeah I know the weaknesses of BMI, but for me being not very muscular and not having large bones, it is a useful guideline.) I know my weight will fluctuate probably back up over the threshold briefly, but the general trend is downward at a rate of about 20 pounds every three months. I haven’t really been all that hung up on celebrating milestones or anything, but this one did particularly please me.

    1. nep*

      Wow — 80 pounds. That is a huge achievement! Good on ya. Wishing you continued success and good health.

    8. Thlayli*

      Congratulations! Not being obese is a huge deal – you have dropped risk categories for all sorts of things. You should celebrate.

    9. Gaia*

      Congratulations on the sheer will power and strength of spirit this has taken! I’m on my own journey and I have a lot to lose but I’m focusing on feeling stronger and healthier and more in control. I’m very excited for you and proud of your milestone!

      1. Can’t remember my name*

        Congratulations! You are an inspiration to me – I have lost 13 lbs so far by counting calories. About one pound a week. So happy for you, you must feel so strong -an amazing accomplishment!

    10. specialK*

      Congrats! One of my goals is moving from obese to overweight also. It’s a big deal and so good for your health! Keep up the good work and providing motivation for the rest of us!

  75. Jessica J.*

    How do you deal when the person you like or want to date wants different things than you?

    I know a guy. We have known each other for a while. We have had a few dates. We are in the same stage of life and careers, have lots in common, are attracted to each other and have similar lifestyles and beliefs.

    But while I am looking for a serious committed relationship leading to marriage he is looking to stay single and to hook up and have meaningless and unemotional sex with multiple women.

    I mean he was upfront about it and he is clear with anyone he gets involved with about what he wants. But it still hurts. We click so well and he’s the kind of man I want to be in a relationship with. I have had no luck with online dating, blind dating or speed dating and thought for sure we could get into a relationship. But it still hurts and I know I can’t make him change his mind but I wish I could.

    1. NicoleK*

      Honestly, I’d stop spending time with said guy. He can’t give you what you want, at least at this time. Focus on yourself and meeting men who want a committed relationship.

    2. Marie N*

      I am sorry you are hurting and that things didn’t turn out the way you had hoped.

      I would argue that a guy who wants to sleep around and string women along is not marriage material.

      1. Kay*

        He is being clear from the start and everyone involved are consenting adults. That’s not stringing anyone along. You are wildly off base there.

        1. NaoNao*

          I think the stringing along part comes sort of in the implication that if he’s seeing her on the regular, and continues seeing her, it’s almost certain that feelings will develop, so it’s…ungentlemanly of him to continue past, let’s say, 3 dates or hookups if he’s into Swingtown and she’s in Marriagetown.

          1. Kay*

            The women are adults, so they are responsible for their own feelings. He is being upfront and honest. Stringing them along would be pretending he was interested in a long term or marriage relationship when he wasn’t. He can’t control if they develop feelings and to suggest he is responsible for it when he is clear from the get go takes the onus and agency from the adult women he is being honest to.

    3. Melody Pond*

      How do you deal when the person you like or want to date wants different things than you?

      Move on.

      I get that it’s really disappointing when you have a ton of chemistry with the person, but that’s really the only answer. Otherwise you’re just wasting your time and increasing your chances of missing the right person when they come along.

    4. Fiennes*

      I agree that you should move on. He’s not where you are; you can’t make him get there; the end.

      Above all, don’t let yourself get sucked into a situation where you’re giving him what he needs while he’s not giving you what you need. That never, ever ends well.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      It sucks, but it sounds like a deal breaker. He’s not the guy you want to be in a relationship with because he doesn’t want a relationship. If it helps, look for other close-to-deal breakers that maybe you were letting go because you wanted to make it work, to build your case for stop seeing him.

      From personal experience, my guy like that had a different deal breaker and we did the off again/on again thing for close to three years, and yet that wasn’t quite enough for me to let go and move on. It happened months later during an off-again period. He told me about hanging out with a girl who was into furries that the light switch just flipped to OFF. (FTR he wasn’t a furry, but he was clearly interested in the furry-lovin’ girl.) With another guy, it was when his racist views finally came through crystal clear (before there were only hints that I could rationalize away). It’s only a matter of time, but it will take some time.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      What is up with these charming people, it’s like a part of their MO.

      Cry it out. Seriously.
      Then consider that feeling like you don’t have many options is making this even worse. Of course, the truth is you don’t know, can’t verify that you don’t have many options. So the options thing is a lie from Negative Nancy. Something may change tomorrow, next week, next month, whatever, we don’t know.

    7. Sparkly Lady*

      If you are interested in it and know you can handle it, you could keep him as a bootie call/occasional hang out while you continue looking for a better romantic partner. But it sounds like you’ll be happier cutting all ties.

      It also wouldn’t be fair to him for you to continue dating him if you’re doing it with the hope that he’ll change his mind and fall for you. He’s done the responsible, fair thing of communicating his intentions/desires openly. I’ve been in his position in the past, and it is really hurtful to have a partner lie to me about being okay with this when they weren’t. They’ve always been really horrible about blaming me for their feelings of jealousy and betrayal, even though I was the one who was honest and they were the one who was dishonest.

    8. Thlayli*

      He’s being honest. Take him at his word and move on. If you think you can handle it emotionally you could stay in a non-exclusive dating / shagpal relationship while you are looking for another partner. But that can get very messy so be sure you can handle it (and of course practice safe sex for both pregnancy and diseases).

  76. Pam*

    I recommend trying Cranford, by Elizabeth Haskell. Charming, and an enjoyable read. (And relatively short)

  77. Nicole76*

    I’ve been wanting to change our bedding for awhile but the only patterns I’ve seen that I like and go with the room color have a lot of white in them. I like the way it looks, but realistically how long will the white stay fresh looking before it starts to yellow? Would love to hear from anyone who has a white bedspread/comforter.

    1. Lora*

      Funny you say that, I’m just washing a cream colored fleece blanket/quilt thing. It’s fine despite two dogs sleeping on it with very muddy paws, I’ve had it about 8 years. It’s suffering a few small holes due to doggy toenails and kitty claws but it’s the same color. I use color safe bleach on it, wash it about twice a month.

    2. Ali G*

      I have a cream duvet set. Just get a duvet set that is machine washable and wash it every month or so. It should be fine!

    3. Lcsa99*

      We have a mostly white duvet cover and like the above, we only wash it once a month. We’ve only had it for a little over 5 months, and so far the white has been fine (though the colors in the design are a little faded). The cat hair shows up on it real well, but other than that, it’s held up well.

    4. HannahS*

      Super late to the party, but I’ve had the same white duvet cover for about six years, and it’s been in constant use. While the coloured portion has faded, the white hasn’t yellowed at all. It’s been washed…uh, let’s just say less than weekly, more than monthly…in hot water and dried in the dryer. It goes into the same wash load as the family pyjamas, towels, bedding, and underwear, so not many darkly coloured items, but definitely not a white load. It’s 100% cotton, and getting a bit threadbare at the corners, but still white!

  78. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    My wife and I watch entirely too much TV on high-numbered cable channels. Even though we have a DVR and can forward through commercials, a lot of times we end up listening to the commercials while we do other things. The following commercials drive me crazy:

    –MyPillow. The song drives me batty and the creepy guy lecturing us about sleep is annoying.
    –The commercial for the insurance company where an instructor is asking adult students in a class to volunteer their insecurities about their financial future. Who thought this format of commercial would be interesting to anyone?
    –Consumer Cellular. “Remember when we used to have to go to the library to look things up?” Like the library is such a terrible place. Go play bingo and eat at the early bird special and leave us alone.
    –The Twizzlers commercial where horrible music plays and joyless people are forced to smile.
    –Kars for Kids, or Cars for Cids, or however you spell it. Just writing it out is getting the awful song in my head.

    I could go on and on, but I’ll leave it here. What commercials drive you crazy?

    2. Marie N*

      I find lots of commercials annoying but there are three I see often that grate on my me and I can’t stand them:

      The Nike commercial with Serena Williams

      The Under Armor commercial with Misty Copeland (the supposed rejection letters being read in the commercial never actually happened and are made up)

      The infomercial style commercial for the slap-chop starring the sleazy infomercial product guy. I hate this one most of all

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Slap Chop! “You’re gonna love my nuts” … so creepy!!

      2. Marie N*

        I should add that my beef with the first two commercials isn’t Serena Williams or Misty Copeland. I think both of them are awesome. I find the commercials annoying in spite of them, not because of them.

    3. Jillociraptor*

      My most vivid memory from Election Night 2016 was the Kars for Kids jingle playing every 10 minutes on CNN. My blood pressure still goes up about 20 points every time I hear it. *shudder*

    4. Lcsa99*

      Oh boy.

      How about the AARP one (at 6:03 I bought tickets, at 7:46 I stabbed myself in the eye)

      And the idiotic Cash Net USA.com (man)

    6. Chaordic One*

      When I’m driving to work there’s an obnoxious radio commercial for WalMart promoting their “order ahead of time and then pick it up at the store” service. It features a harried married couple with children and it goes kind of like this:

      Husband: “Why did you join a book club? You don’t have time”
      Wife: “I need the intellectual stimulation, good thing I shopped online at WalMart. All of my groceries were ready and waiting for me to pick them up, so I didn’t waste any time shopping. Now stop talking. I’m trying to meditate. Om.”
      Child: “Mommy! Billy just fed the puppy to the turtle!”
      Wife: “Om.”

      Apparently the commercial was inspired by a recent incident at a school in Idaho where a biology teacher was temporarily suspended for feeding a live puppy to a snapping turtle. The teacher claimed that the puppy was sick and going to die anyway. The teacher also received death threats. The state wildlife service confiscated and killed the snapping turtle because it was considered an invasive species and they were worried it might escape and breed.

      Let’s just say the commercial was in bad taste.

    7. Piano Girl*

      Farmers Only.com. Every time I hear “City Folk Just Don’t Get It”, I want to hurl something at the TV.

    8. Rebecca*

      Trumpy Bear (I actually thought this was a parody of some sort the first time I saw it) and that Dr. Ho’s back belt or some such thing…OMG. The other one has something to do with silicone egg cookers, can’t remember the name, but geez, I’ve never had that much trouble peeling hard boiled eggs!!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Trumpy Bear is not a parody. Yes, I almost lost my lunch when I saw that one.

        And I thought of one more while watching TV right now:
        There’s an ad for a dog-walking app where a woman announces obnoxiously to everyone, “My dog pooped!” I’ll admit to not being a dog person, but, um, who the F is going to care that your dog pooped??

    10. Lindsay J*

      The radio station I listen to advertises for now 4 Car Accident Lawyers.

      One has what sounds like little kids talking and goes, “You wouldn’t believe what happened. I just got hit,” “Gurrrl, you better go to iJustGotHit dot com” “Okay”. And then a guy comes on and lectures you about car accidents and Jesus.

      One is for JIM ADLER. THE TEXAS HAMMER. And consists of him yelling about how he’s going to HAMMER the INSURANCE COMPANIES.

      One is made to sound like part of the morning radio show, and has the two hosts badly singing bad songs about the lawyer and the lawyer lecturing you about big trucks hitting you.

      And the most recent one, which I thought was a parody at first, is for the Car Wreck Cowboy. It has two people with speaking in terrible, hokey hillbilly accents, and then kind of screetching I guess is the best way I can describe it. Then a bad hip-hop-esq song about how “You gotta call the car. wreck. cow. boy baby. Car. wreck. cow boy.” This one is so terribly annoying I can’t stand it.

    11. Mimmy*

      Annnnnd now the Kars for Kids song is in MY head…gee, thanks! :P That one definitely gets my vote for the commercial that drives me the most batty.

    12. Sylvan*

      Pandora plays commercials for a local hospital’s services for expectant parents. Drives me crazy. I don’t have kids and I’m not going to.

      I watched TV with my parents once, one of those channels with a lot of Law & Order reruns (which we were watching). Within one episode, the ads were for: fibromyalgia medication, adult diapers, antidepressants, psoriasis medication, and a different fibromyalgia medication. It was depressing as hell.

  79. WillyNilly*

    So my day so far has been convincing my mother she needs to go to the ER and now the endless waiting around.
    Yesterday she never showed up where she was supposed to. A few hours later I found her, giggling (very unlike her) and slurring her speech, sitting on a walker next to her car. She admitted she had fallen earlier, EMS had to come help her up, but she refused to be taken to hospital. She had been there at least 2, if not 4 hours.

    Turns out she had also fallen earlier in the week. Had been barely eating or drinking for over a week. She is diabetic and hasn’t been treating her diabetes with any meds or insulin, etc in over a year, hasn’t even checked her blood sugar in several months.

    2. Emily*

      That sounds scary and frustrating – I hope that the ER is able to help her and that she can be convinced to take better care of herself going forward.

    3. WillyNilly*

      Thanks.

      She has self care issues, and I can’t force her to do anything.
      Her blood sugar was in the 380s. Her CAT scan was good, but still needs a CTA (some sort of contrast test to check circulation).

      Its going to be a long road.

    4. Circus peanuts*

      Oh my gosh – how awful. I wish you luck with it. It will be difficult for both of you.

    5. rubyrose*

      How old is she? Is a home health aide several times a week, or assisted living possible? Would she even be open to that?

      1. WillyNilly*

        She is 65. I think she might be up for a senior community, not sure about full-on assisted living. She has agreed to speaking with a social worker.

        So far she has been admitted to the hospital and they are keeping her until at least tomorrow. Hopefully the social worker gets involved then (they work M-F at this hospital).

  80. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Favorite travel writing (books or blogs)? Especially interested in Africa and Central and South America, but if you have a favorite from another continent I want to know about that one too. :)

    1. Lily Evans*

      For Africa travel blogging check out Helen in Wonderlust! She’s spent years backpacking around Africa and does tours there now, so she’s super knowledgeable. She also has a great writing style.

    2. nep*

      One of my all-time favourite books is Turkestan Solo by Ella Maillart. I look forward to going back to it sometime soon; it’s been a while and I’d like to see whether I’m still as fond of the writing.

    3. Nacho*

      I got my dad a bundle of Lonely Planet ebooks for his birthday a few years ago, and they were really cool (though I’m not sure if he ever actually downloaded them).

      There’s another bundle on sale right now too, and it looks like the first two books in the $1 tier have some stuff about Central America and Africa in themt: https://www.humblebundle.com/books/plan-your-vacation-books?

    4. Patsy Stone*

      If you like epic adventures, Christopher Many has two fabulous books: Left Beyond the Horizon and Right Beyond the Horizon. He’s spent the past 20 years overlanding around the world. First via land rover (the Left book, covering 200,000 km in 10 years through Siberia, North and South America, and Africa), and then via motorbike (the Right book, covering 4 years from Germany to Australia via Europe, Central Asia via the Silk Road, China, and eventually down to Oz). The motorbike expedition was done with his partner, a friend of mine who I got to know while working in Africa (she became his partner when they met in Africa) which is how I became familiar with his books. Excellent books, highly recommend them.

  81. Environmental Gone Compliance*

    Frustration vent ahead:

    I have two designs out for test knits. One, I know the test knitter, who is a lovely person and is always punctual, went out for surgery. The release is being delayed, but I don’t care, because I know there’s a reason behind it.

    The other one I had nearly 40 people ask to test knit. I accepted 11, and I’ve heard back from 2 of them. The deadline is in one week. I’ve asked for updates every two weeks for two months now, and have heard nothing apart from those two. I’m irritated by this, because I would have let on more test knitters if I knew a good chunk of them would just ghost me. Plus, it’s rude IMO to get a final draft of a pattern free as a test knitter, and then vanish off into the wild blue yonder.

    But at least the 2 that *did* respond had good constructive comments for me, so I don’t think that this design release will be delayed, but I’m putting those that ghosted off with a free pattern on a no-testing-for-you list. >.<

  83. Anono-me*

    If you (not the server) saw a $0.00 in the tip line of a receipt; would you think “Oh, the customer tipped cash.” Or “Cheap jerk.” ?

    I usually tip cash because restuants sometimes charge a processing fee in addition to deducting the actual credit card fee. But due to some stuff in tje entertainment media recetly, I ‘ve started to worry that if other people saw the receipt, it would look like I am a cheap jerk. Yes, I know that businesses are supposed to follow very strict card security rules, but I have seen lots of businesses that don’t seem to follow any rules or laws.

    1. nep*

      If you tipped you tipped and that’s what counts. Who cares what some random person who might see the receipt thinks.

    2. blaise zamboni*

      I agree with nep, but, I would find it a little weird to actually write “$0.00” in a tip line. If I tip cash, I usually leave the tip line blank (but fill out the total) or I write “on table” or “cash”. Maybe that would make you feel better about it?

      1. nep*

        Oh, right — if I’m not tipping with the card I leave that blank as well, or just write a line.
        I guess the option of writing ‘cash’ as others have suggested could address your concern?

    4. Lily Evans*

      If it really bothers you, you could always just write “cash” on the tip line. I’ve had friends who’d do that because they hated leaving it empty.

    6. atexit8*

      As to your concern about security.

      I almost always use credit cards to pay for meals even at fast food places.
      I have yet to have a single problem in the 25 years. [knock on wood]

      1. Lindsay J*

        I think she’s talking about if someone took her receipt and posted on social media accusing of her for not-tipping for prejudiced reasons, or just posted that she didn’t tip and was a jerk and needs to be shamed. Not credit card theft or anything.

    7. Loopy*

      ditto. I’ve known server friends who have had their cash from those little receipt books stolen before they can get back to retrieve the book, so I always do this just to indicate I did leave cash.

    8. Oxford Coma*

      I always write “cash” on the tip line as others have said. I was a server, and a few times we had bussers stealing tips, as Loopy mentioned. Providing proof that there should have been bills in the book is helpful.

    9. Blue Eagle*

      I always write “tip on table” so the manager who reviews the receipts to correctly allocate the tips to the servers will know that the server was not so defective that I didn’t leave a tip. The only time I had a server so defective that I wanted them to know that I didn’t leave a tip on purpose, I wrote 0.00 in the tip line.

    10. Anono-me*

      Thank you to everyone for the feedback. I think that I am going to start writing “cash” . It addresses my concerns and several that I never thought of.

  84. Nacho*

    I got glasses the other day. Turns out things in the distance aren’t supposed to get so blurry. I don’t actually need them though, since I don’t drive, and I’m currently debating whether or not to keep wearing them. It’s not like being able to see clearly far away is that big of a deal, and wearing them feels weird.

    Anyone else nearsighted? Do you wear glasses, or just accept that you cannot see things at a distance and move on?

    1. WillyNilly*

      I can legally drive without glasses. But I have glasses I use for movies, live theater, or when driving somewhere where I will need to look for an address. The rest of the time I just deal with the fact that far away stuff is blurry.

    2. Quoth the Raven*

      I have to wear contacts or glasses; I don’t feel comfortable without them and not using them gives me bad headaches after a while. And while I don’t drive, I’ve found I can’t gauge distances accurately — for example, if I’m trying to cross the street, I can’t tell how far car or bikes really are.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I go without when reading or doing something close up (typing on my phone)…but my distance vision is apparently much worse than yours. I can’t comfortably watch tv without sitting a lot closer than my Mama ever would have allowed.

      I don’t think there is anything wrong about not using when you don’t need, but I also don’t think straining to see is good for your eyes, so it really depends if you’re just used to it, or if you actually can see normal distances without a problem and it’s just really far stuff that’s blurry. How far from a street sign do you need to be before you can read it?

    4. glasses expert*

      Well it depends on how nearsighted you are, I am sure. To me “far away” is across a room, or even closer, I can’t see any of the text on my laptop that is quite close as I am typing this – I just see some black lines on my white screen – and it’s not a question of making the type larger. So it would be quite a hardship not to have them!

    5. Forking Great Username*

      Answers to this will vary a LOT based on prescriptions. My vision is literally 500/20. Imagine something written so large you could see it from 500 feet away. I would have to be 20 feet away to see it! So I feel pretty lucky to live in an era with good technology for glasses, and they literally never leave my face unless I’m sleeping or showering.

    6. Red Reader*

      I wear glasses (and have done since I was 4, so over 32 years now). Without my glasses, I can’t see anything clearly that’s past about three feet – like, I can’t read the side of the Amazon shipping box on the coffee table in front of the couch on which I am sitting without my glasses on. I tend to take them off if I’m doing something within about 18″ of my nose, such as reading or knitting, because anything that close, I can’t see clearly with my glasses ON.

    7. Oxford Coma*

      Not sure if you care, but it’s really obvious when you C&P the same question on multiple sites. I won’t get more specific.

    9. Red*

      I am nearsighted and can legally drive without glasses. However, I wear them at all times because I’ve found I don’t get headaches anymore when I do. It’s amazing! Beyond that, you do get used to the weirdness of wearing them. My face now feels weird when I don’t wear them.

    10. Rebecca*

      I’m very nearsighted and have been since grade school, and I wear glasses all day every day. I couldn’t even safely ride my bike, let alone drive, without them. I love being able to see all the details out there! Now that I’m older (55) I have bifocals too. Maybe contacts would be an option if you don’t want to wear glasses?

    11. Mimmy*

      I am extremely nearsighted and have to wear glasses at all times – my vision is completely blurry without them. Even with glasses, I cannot legally drive (Testing usually gets me at 20/60, but I think that’s with me really pushing it – I’m probably closer to 20/70, maybe 20/80).

      What about contacts? I wore them for about 10 years, and I actually liked them because the field of vision is not restricted by the frames of glasses. I found them tricky to handle because of my limited vision so I stopped wearing them after yet another tear, but it might be an option if your sight isn’t as bad as mine.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Nearsighted, that’s me! I got glasses when I was eight, but I’ve worn contacts for so long I have trouble with glasses. Plus, now that I’ve gotten older (argh), I need magnifiers and using the clip-on glasses ones is awkward AF. I’d rather just use my cute little purple reading glasses and skip the clip.

      It took a while to find some that worked for both being on the computer AND driving. My eyes haven’t changed that much in the last few years, fortunately. But right now, I have no vision insurance and I’m on my last pair of contacts and have no idea what I’m gonna dooooooooo. :(

    13. LAM*

      I’m nearsighted and just accept that things in the distance are going to be slightly fuzzy. I can go through normal life stuff (including driving) without being impacted too badly.

      However I am currently considering LASIK as I can get it free through work and there’s a version of it that will reduce my glares and halos I see at night. And it’s free.

  85. nep*

    Gas station TV. UGH. There should be an option to turn it off or at least mute it. (If there is, please let me in on how.)

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’m with you. Unfortunately, I think the only alternatives are to move to New Jersey where they pump the gas for you (assuming you’re in the US), or root like crazy for Tesla to succeed and not go bankrupt so electric cars eventually go mainstream.

      1. nep*

        Don’t they still do that in Oregon too? I heard a while back that Oregon started adding self-serve.

        1. Bea*

          Self Service is only allowed in the rural community during the evenings to avoid people breaking down in the areas with so few stations and none of them stay open after 9 or 10 if ti’s a busy spot.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      They must think we are idiots, honestly.

      I worked for a retailer and the rumor was the new tvs were baby sitters so the people did not get ticked standing in line.
      This went so well. Not. We had a major news event happen here. It went across the US because So Tragic. So Party #1 was standing at the register and Significantly Effected Party #2 was being interview on the TV saying how it was Party #1’s fault. yeah. Party #1 was standing right in front of us as the news was being aired. We all wanted to crawl under a rock.

    3. Anono-me*

      My little single owner operated small town gas station hasn’t ‘upgraded’ to those yet.

      If you can’t find a smaller business that still has the quiet ones. Some of the machines have buttons on the side that when pushed temporarily mute the sound. My favorite big city gas station has their mute button labeled. (Machine only has buttons on the left, it is the second down)

      1. nep*

        Cool — good to know.
        I’m glad that a couple of stations I like (decent prices, nice people) still haven’t installed them. May they never do so; it’s nice to be able to opt out.

    4. Don’t have a screen name.*

      At the places I go, the mute button is the second down on the right. Discovered it when someone else labeled with a sharpie “mute bs.”

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Interesting, I didn’t know this was a thing. I was in the tire place last weekend waiting for my car, and there was a dad and his young daughter who was absolutely BLARING SpongeBob in the waiting area. As soon as they left I turned it way down. Two employees came and thanked me!

    6. Sylvan*

      Look for the separate set of buttons below the touchpad. IIRC they have an off or mute button.

  86. Cassie Y*

    I have a bad habit of picking the skin on my lips. I don’t know how to stop and I’ve been doing it since I was 13. Any advice???

    1. Reba*

      Not much, but LOTS of commiseration. I’m just a skin picker. I’ve been able to get it to the point where I don’t hurt myself but I’m not sure “never pick” is a reasonable goal for me.

      Trying to prevent pickable flakes is the only thing that works for me. Regimented water drinking, very good lip balms (I like the Jack Black). Oh yeah and stress reduction :)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Agreed. Yeah, it starts with dehydration, that is the dryness which makes the skin easy to pick at.
      You can also make sure that you are eating healthy oils, that too will help.

    4. Not a Mere Device*

      Lip balm helps, I find: you may have to try several to find a variety that you find palatable and that doesn’t sting if there are cracks. Burt’s Bees has some I’ve been okay with.

    5. SAHM*

      Would you be less likely to pick if you had sticky lip gloss or smeary lipstick on? That has helped remind me “ick! Don’t pick!” When I pick and realize my fingers are now covered in goo.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I have found that using a hydrocortisone ointment is the quickest and best thing to help heal chapped peeling lips. Make sure you get the ointment (in a petroleum jelly base) and NOT the cream. The ointment is much more effective than cream. Often you will find it available as a store brand, but common brands include “Corizone-10,” “Hydracort,” and “Cort-Aide,” but there are a whole bunch more.

    7. Mimmy*

      Fellow lip-picker here! Everyone else offered good suggestions that I will take note of, so all I have to offer is commiseration.

    8. Sylvan*

      Vaseline, like someone already said. Keep your fingernails short. That won’t stop you from biting, of course, but it will help a little.

      1. Sylvan*

        Some people who pick their skin say that wearing makeup helps. They don’t want to ruin their makeup by picking.

    9. Oxford Coma*

      Exfoliating! Lip balms are good for moisture maintenance, but I still get build-up that needs to be sloughed away. A homemade brown sugar scrub works just as well as the pricey Sephora/Ulta stuff, too. If I can keep my lips smoothed out, there’s nothing to pick off.

    10. HannahS*

      I’m a bit late to party. My two pronged approach (which helps, but doesn’t stop me 100%) is to first, aggressively moisturize my lips so there’s nothing to pick at, and second, to use my hair elastic as a fidget toy.

  87. Miss Molly*

    How do you handle it when a family member posts something offensive on social media? It’s a cousin that I only have to see at extended family events like weddings or grandparent birthdays. I have removed and blocked them from my social media and we don’t have each other’s emails or phone numbers and don’t have contact otherwise.

    The sad thing was not one single person disagreed with them and a few dozen people liked the post or commenented in agreement.

    (The post said that it’s a good thing the activist Emma Gonzalez from Parkland is bisexual because no man would ever want her. The person who posted and all those who agreed live in San Francisco or the Bay area and they have a queer sister who agreed with the post. It was all really disheartening)

    1. Miss Molly*

      p.s. This was in regards to her appearance, not her activism. They all agreed with Emma’s activism

      1. Lora*

        The hell?!?

        I always wonder about anyone who says “no ____ would ever want her/him” because frankly there’s ALL KINDS of people who want all kinds of things I find repulsive and grody. I mean, there’s people commenting in actual media outlets that all the single ladies better get ready for Rudy Giuliani now that he’s divorced and I’m like, there is not one thing attractive about Rudy Giuliani. But there are people willing to be quoted publicly about their intent to touch his weenie on purpose in the absence of any coercion. There’s Playboy models who could, one presumes, find more attractive men than Donald Trump to mash their swimsuit areas against, who nevertheless did so willingly. And from the other side, clearly the people who say such things are unfamiliar with the vast catalogue of porn genres, because those include ALL KINDS OF ODD LOOKING PEOPLE doing ALL KINDS OF WEIRD THINGS and folks deliberately enjoy themselves watching those people doing those things.

        So I guess the real conclusion is, there’s absolutely no accounting for taste.

        Disclaimer: I thought Sinead O’Connor was very lovely in the 80s, and had partially-shaved pink and blue hair myself in the late 80s – early 90s. My boyfriends during that period thought it was pretty cute, for what that’s worth.

    2. Reba*

      That’s such an ugly sentiment. It sounds like it didn’t tell you anything you didn’t already know, though. Are you wondering whether you should have waded in to disagree with the post?

    3. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      So, like, totally irrelevant – being queer doesn’t mean you can’t still be terrible. By all means, LGBTQ people should know better about that sort of stuff, but I wish I could be shocked.

      In your case, it sounds like your cousin is distant enough where blocking them is an acceptable course of action – they might be mad, but their feelings don’t matter that much to you. They might be great in other ways, but their (IMO, probably terrible) views on gun policy and the fact that they’re (definitely) trying to score points by calling a high school girl an ugly lesbian (because…um…Emma Gonzalez is still in high school) is enough that you shouldn’t want to see their posts come up on a regular basis.

      (Another aside: On one hand, she’s 18, and more importantly, no one should be called an ugly lesbian regardless of how old they are, their sexuality, or whether they conform to conventional norms of beauty. But I think that a lot of people have forgotten that they’re talking about children and not fully-grown adults.)

      In general, I’m an advocate of using the lowest block method that’s reasonable. If you can unsubscribe but still remain linked, that’s great (especially since you’re family). If you can snooze their posts, that’s fine. If they’re going to DM you with “DAVID HOGG DID 9/11” even after ignoring their posts on social media, you have to block for your sake and also consider whether they’re actually unwell (because seriously, that is kind of scary).

      1. Marcel*

        I agree with what you said, except where you say they probably have terrible views on gun policy. OP says they agree with Emma’s activism. Does that mean Emma also has terrible views? Or did I misunderstand? OP says it was about the appearance and not the activism.

    4. Thlayli*

      Women with shaved heads are often ridiculed. I’ve shaved my head a couple of times and it’s really interesting to see how strongly people react to it. It’s actually quite funny. People feel like they can comment on it in a way they never would over a different hairstyle. It’s entirely possible they do agree with her activism but feel that it’s ok to comment negatively on her appearance because she has a shaved head.

      I wouldn’t read too much into their politics over this – just note that people react really weirdly to women with shaved heads.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, this happened to me with someone I knew in college. She posted a meme attacking David Hogg as a crisis actor and then when I commented I was disappointed and shocked that she’d posted it, she deleted it and then vaguebooked me. “Seems like some people think I can’t share my opinion, blah blah blah, it’s called communication,” (and this part made me see red) “people should talk about both sides,” etc. This person is a teacher. :\ I left a scathing post and then unfriended her. I peeked a little while later and her stupid friends were calling ME a bully.

      I don’t really talk to or see this person, so an unfriend was sufficient. If it were a family member, I probably would have done the same thing. I’m getting less patient with people’s bullshit these days.

  88. A-nern-o*

    This might sound like a rather dumb question, but what are some really practical ways that one can make the world suck less for other people? My apologies if this veers too close to politics for this forum.

    I’ve grown generally cynical with regard to institutions’ willingness to actually do the hard work of pulling their own weight, and my sense is that individual power has been so obliterated that there’s little that I personally can do. (For context, this is the U.S.) I’ve also gotten really sick of what I think is a smug unwillingness on the part of many opinion-writers to write anything beyond the same old, bland, gutless, faux-witty cookie-cutter column.

    The last part is particularly disappointing to me, because I like to think, and I used to believe that a good enough idea, either on a small or large scale, could genuinely change things for the better. That was when I was in my early 20s. Now, as a jaded almost-28-year-old, I’m really not so sure.

    I’m freakishly worried about the climate and the economy, and am despairing because there’s jack I can do.

    1. To your point*

      What I’ve done is work for a nonprofit that works in areas I believe in and I donate money. It’s not possible for everyone to work for nonprofits but you can do is try to make a difference for those around you, even if its in small ways. Donate time or money or just an ear if that’s all you can donate. Be compassionate to those around you. Vote with your wallet and your legal right to vote.

      Be the best person you can be because while you may not change the country, you can make one person’s life better.

      I try to make my footprint as small as possible and I go out of my way to help those I work with. The world is still going to go to hell in a handbasket but at least I can try my best to make it less horrible.

    2. zyx*

      In addition to what To your point suggested, you could focus on smaller groups of people. It’s hard to change the world (or the country), but there are probably lots of ways to get involved at the local level. That might mean volunteering with a nonprofit, doing some political organizing, or serving on a city/county citizens’ advisory board. Where I live, state politics get so little attention that organizing a few dozen phone calls gets my representatives to take notice. I feel way more positive about the world when I focus on the bits where I can make a difference.

    3. nep*

      Agree with others — think local, think of your community and people with whom you interact.
      Sounds trite but truly, ‘Be the change’ means something. Be the change you wish to see in the world. You never know whom you can touch or how you can engender some improvement.
      There is always, always something one can do — even just decide not to despair. If you despair, you more or less give up on this planet earth and future generations.
      (Re the opinion columns — perhaps submit something of your own to some publication likely to run it, to get an alternative view out there. Granted, tough for just anyone to break through to widespread coverage. But you never know — someone might read it and be inspired.)

    4. TL -*

      One of my favorite sayings is “everybody wants to change the world but nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes.”
      People make differences – you can be a respectful, well-mannered person, speak up when someone else is being intolerant/rude, be intentionally inclusive, call your representative, vote for people and policies you believe in, spend time and money at places whose business model you support, and be honest, open, and matter of fact about your ethical decisions.
      There might not be anything glorious about giving your seat up on the subway or letting your friends know you don’t Uber because of their business policies – but this kind of stuff does make a difference and it makes a difference to people you’re likely to know or interact with often.

    6. matcha123*

      One small step that can improve anyone’s day is treating others with respect. Lead by example.
      People want to see immediate change, but that’s not going to happen. You can, however, improve someone’s day by treating them with respect. And that is something I believe can have a snowball effect.
      Also, stop reading blogs and opinion pieces. Pick one or two things and follow through with them consistently.

    7. ginkgo*

      I love the other suggestions so far, but if you’re looking for something more overtly political (and it fits in with your views), Postcards to Voters (search for the page on Facebook) is just wonderful. Writing, decorating, and mailing postcards is just fun, and the people in the community are some of the nicest I’ve found on the internet (let alone in a group about politics). You can also do as much or as little as you like. It’s the one form of activism I’ve found that doesn’t feed the despair.

    8. paul*

      Be nice to people.

      Volunteer at clean ups.

      Help at the local food bank.

      Donate to said food bank (cash preferable)

      Be a mentor to kids

  89. Lcsa99*

    I seem to remember from other open threads that some others from here watch Riverdale. My husband and I dvr’d it and just finished watching the last episode…

    Without any spoilers, I am absolutely speechless. Especially Cheryl. I can’t decide if the writers are clever or just off their gourds.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I dread musical episodes. It’s normally a sign that a show is circling the drain and just about to be canceled. But this one was… not your typical musical episode!

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I was quite entertained in a wtf way. Normally I’m not a fan of musical episodes either, but this one worked. And Cheryl at the end… holy cow!!!!

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I HATE musicals and really did not like this episode at all – kinda fast forwarded through it all. What a bummer as I was waiting weeks for the new ep!

      I can imagine being in the writing room for that show is fun as they seem to break all the rules and toss in whatever type of crazy.

      Did anyone kill/get rid of Chick yet though?

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Alice Cooper was on the phone with him near the end, saying she missed and loved him. I expect he’ll be back in a big way in the finale.

  90. Venting*

    In the last four months all of the movie theaters in my city/area have converted to exclusively reserve only seating. Meaning that whether you buy online or in person, advance or right before, you must choose and reserve your seats. And they enforce it. Other people seem to like it because no one will ever trade seats and even asking can get them complaining to the staff. I hate it though and it’s a real shame because I love going to the movie theater.

        1. Overeducated*

          I would hate it because I’m short. Last time I went to a movie theater I ended up moving seats because it was not very full, yet someone who was at least a foot taller than me sat directly in front. Seats were not offset or sloped, it was just a foot tall obstacle two feet in front of my face. This was not the first time that has happened.

          1. Temperance*

            From my experience, all theaters with reserved seating also have stadium seating, eliminating this very issue!

            I’m short, too, and the same thing has happened to me so many times. I haven’t had any problems since switching to the stadium seating, pick-your-seat theater.

    2. Reba*

      Hm, I must say that I love reserved seats. Nevertheless I am surprised to hear that all the theaters have gone there. What about it doesn’t work for you?

      1. Temperance*

        I was unsure about it at first, but became a huge fan when “Rogue One” premiered and I didn’t have to spend hours in line for great seats (or do the obnoxious run to the theater to get decent seats), and you don’t have the obnoxious late people asking you to move during the previews because they want to sit together and didn’t plan well.

    3. Temperance*

      What do you dislike about it? I’ll be honest, I am one of those people who refuses to ever trade seats in my reservation-only theater, and I would report someone who sat in my reserved seat. I still remember some jerk women who stole the best seats in the theater for the Deadpool premiere, and then threw a fit when the ushers made them move to their actual seats.

      I would be really annoyed if someone asked me to switch, because I always choose specific seats for my group (far right, either in the tiny private row or on the very end of the row, depending on the theater size).

      1. Lissa*

        yeah this would almost inspire me to go back to movie theatres….well ok, maybe if they also started serving drinks and food to me while I watched.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Ok, we have a VIP theatre here that not only serves food and drink to your seats, it also serves booze!!! One summer I think my friends and I spent a good $300 there. It was so so worth it to see cool movies. (Kids aren’t allowed in the VIP section, which to me was even better… no students watching me drink g&t while watching Wolverine!)

          1. Lissa*

            Ohhh man if they had something like this where I lived I would definitely go back. My problem is that currently there’s not enough positive to going to the theatre over staying home vs. the negatives, but this would do it. The last movie I saw in theatre was Wonder Woman!

        3. Lindsay J*

          Find an Alamo Drafthouse.

          All this, and they kick out people who talk or text during the movie.

          A lot of places are moving to this model nowadays. Studio Movie Grill and Star Cinema Grill? I think, are two of the others.

          1. Lindsay J*

            Oh, and Alamo Drafthouse also often has special menus to go along with the movies – recently they’ve had them for Black Panther and Isle of Dogs. Including custom cocktails.

            And they do special showings like sing-alongs, and move parties where they give you props that go along with the movie, and goofy stuff like showing Groundhog Day three times in a row on Groundhog Day. And they show old movies, indie movies, etc.

            Right now my local one is showing a James Bond movie every month on the 7th until the premiere of the newest one.

            They did a set of showings of movies that inspired or had similar themes to “Ready Player One” so we went to go see “Wargames” there recently.

            And the one we lived near at the time showed all the presidential debates so I could at least drink heavily while watching them.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              This is why I love Alamo Drafthouse. It’s awesome to see old movies on the big screen! Also, the food is good and the seats are mega comfy. I like the no-talking/texting rule and I like being pampered. If Alamo were a dude, I’d marry him. ;)

        4. paul*

          I’ve been to theaters like that, and we’re finally getting one here (right as I move away). It’s glorious. I watched Rogue One while my wife and split cheese fries and a pitcher of sangria, and a large cake with ice cream.

          soooo decadent

        5. The New Wanderer*

          The only one I will go to is iPic (a chain like Alamo Drafthouse, I think). All reserved seats and you can bring in food/bevs from their bar or sit in the pricier seats and get wait service + blanket and free popcorn.

          I thought they rigorously enforced the no-cell-phone thing too, but a few months ago I had to tell the guy next to me to put his stupid phone away. He seemed surprised that I was bothered by the fully lit screen glaring up at me where he was holding it on his leg, but he did put it away. Didn’t silence it, though, dolt.

      2. Parenthetically*

        My two cents: I like going to movies on the spur of the moment — “Hey, why don’t we go see X tonight?” is what makes it fun for me. I do NOT like having to decide days or weeks in advance if (and when! and where! and with precisely whom! and very specifically where!) I’m going to go see a movie so I can make sure to be ABLE to sit with my husband or my friend, thus I absolutely detest reserved seating. I hate when, “Hey, why don’t we go see X tonight” turns into… “Well, never mind, there aren’t any spots left with two seats together… unless we go at 9:40 on Tuesday.”

        1. Temperance*

          That’s totally fair. I’m more of a planner/hardcore nerd, so if I go to a movie, it’s typically a comic or sci-fi movie that we want to see on the opening night. I have my tickets for Infinity War and Deadpool 2, and I have text alerts set up to buy tickets to the new Star Wars as soon as they’re available.

          I did see Super Troopers 2 last night, and I actually bought those tickets yesterday morning. (I had tickets for a later showing and exchanged them.)

        2. Becky*

          Generally if it is after the first two weeks of a movie’s run and it is not a holiday, then you can usually find plenty of available seats together. Maybe on a super popular movie you’d still have trouble a few weeks in, but not usually. If it is in the first few weeks of a movie’s run then good luck finding any not sold out showings if you’re trying to get tickets day of.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Go on a weekday, if you can slip in a day off. I can usually get in on a weekday after the opening. I saw Black Panther the Monday after it opened and had no trouble getting my favorite seat.

    5. Kay*

      My sister has a severe case of astigmatism and has thick glasses for distance. Both theaters in her city have this and she loves it. There are limited seats that she can sit in and still be able to see. Before reserved seats her options were to plan ahead and get there super early, go only at off peak times or hope that people would move if asked. Otherwise she cannot see. Most of the time people wouldn’t move and asked why she was at a move if she couldn’t see.

      She missed out on many movies (Avatar, the last 3 Harry Potter movies, the first Avengers movie) despite having tickets so this is great for her.

    6. Nicole76*

      I think it’s fine for theaters where you pay a higher ticket price and get a full meal, but I don’t think it’s great for all theaters. I’m a planner, but that’s a bit too much planning for me. I would probably stop going if the regular theater switched to that method and our preferred seats were never available (otherwise I’d deal with it, as annoying as it might be).

      If you want a particular seat, you get to the theater early enough to have your pick. Also, by choosing your seats sight unseen you have no idea who you’ll get stuck sitting next to and no option to change your seat if your neighbor is loud/obnoxious/whatever. I also like leaving at least one seat between me and a stranger which I do by putting my jacket there (mind you, I only go to early matinees where the theater is pretty empty anyway).

      1. Temperance*

        I seriously love not having to get to the theater 45 minutes+ before a show to get a decent seat, and then have to deal with annoying latecomers who want to sit with their 5 friends but not in the front row, and then you’re the jerk for not moving.

    7. Becky*

      I love reserved seating–all of the theaters in my area except the “dollar”/late run theaters have reserved seating.

  91. Reba*

    Y’ALL. I finished* my dissertation manuscript! I turned it in on Wednesday.

    My reward is that I’m dogsitting and have gotten to veg with a pup the past couple days.

    *defense and revisions still to come.

    1. nep*

      Fantastic! Well done and congratulations. (You’re the one who’s spent time in W Africa, correct? What’s the subject of the dissertation?)

      1. Reba*

        Thanks! It IS a huge deal, so it was kind of anticlimactic that it was just like, “WHOO I’m done [send email].”

  92. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    I find one of this years teachers attractive. Not on a take-me-now level , but I-would-love-to-have-some-beers-with-him one. I’m lucky the course it’s interesting enough to keep me focused.
    Also, this course has two other women apart from myself, but both of them attend with their respective partners, who act defensive when someone approaches to talk to their girlfriends (especially other men). It’s really off putting and weird.

  93. Lissa*

    There is really no polite/non hurtful way to tell someone “I like you just fine in big group settings and am happy to pleasantly chat with you at events, but do not really enjoy one on one hangouts with you and would like to keep our friendship casual” is there? with someone who is not going to pick up on the “I’ve been really busy” hints, is there? I feel like in a perfect world this would be OK to say, but it is not that world and I have almost decided an occasional boring (not offensive) hangout is worth not hurting someone’s feelings. This is someone I will continue to see in big groups no matter what, so slow fade isn’t gonna work.

    Thoughts? This is not a bad person in any way – while I feel on some level “I’d rather someone NOT hang out with me who isn’t enjoying it” hearing “actually I just don’t like you that much” would also be…um, really not fun.

    1. Sarsaparilla*

      I feel like there isn’t a way to say that without being hurtful.
      I feel like it’d be kind of you to go the occasional boring hangout route. (“Occasional” to me is like once every few months to every few years… but I’m so busy I never even get to see my good friends).
      I don’t know your situation, and it could be different. I’m just projecting your question onto slightly lonely times in my life when it made me feel good that someone was willing to spend time with me even if I suspected they thought I was a little boring.
      I’ve been in the opposite situation, too, where my being friendly and willing to spend time with someone built them up.
      I have friends who go the “I don’t get a lot out of this friendship so it’s better if we’re just not friends anymore” route (to other people, not to me…) and this just comes across as really selfish and unnecessary to me. And it makes me a little paranoid that I’ll be the next friend who isn’t cool enough and gets weeded out.

    2. Epsilon Delta*

      Is there a reason you can’t continue to be busy when this person asks to hang out one on one? Like, maybe they will continue asking, but you can continue to be busy, perhaps too busy to respond for a few hours/a day or two.

      And no, I can’t think of a way to convey that message directly that doesn’t sting.

  94. Anon here again*

    Any recs for anti-virus software?

    I have Norton anti-virus, but I’m not sure if I want it or if there’s something better out there. (My subscription ends soon.)

    2. Nacho*

      I use Avast, but I don’t pay for it. Is there any point to paying for anti-virus software when they all have free versions?

      1. Woodswoman*

        Sophos is great. The paid business version is what our IT team uses at work, and they recommend the home version which is free. I started with that and ended up springing for the paid home version for more peace of mind.

    3. Gatomon*

      I loathe Norton. One day I will finally get that menace off my parents’ PC and out of their wallet. I really like Bitdefender’s products. They have a free version and paid versions, both are fine. Paid definitely has more bells and whistles though.

      If you’re on a newer Windows machine, there is basic anti-virus built in called Windows Defender. It’s not stellar, but if you follow safe web practices it’s probably sufficient.

      1. Observer*

        No, Windows defender is not sufficient, especially if you are not behind a good firewall and spam filter.

        1. Someone else*

          I know you weren’t asking me, but I have bad feelings about Norton. Not necessarily the software but some of their business practices. For a while they were doing a thing where a 90-day trial was preinstalled on some new laptops. That seems nice, right? Except it was actually baked into the image, so you literally could not uninstall Norton. So the 90-day trial expires, you decide, I don’t want Norton, I want other AV. And install the other AV. Now Windows throws a fit that you have 2 AVs installed, even though one is disabled because the trial is over. You can’t uninstall Norton. You can’t tell Norton to stop warning you your trial is over and prompting you to buy it. And you can’t stop Windows from warning you you have two AVs installed and that could cause performance issues. You can dismiss all these warnings, but everytime you reboot or Windows update, you get them again.I found that obnoxious enough that I’d definitely not give Norton my money anytime soon since they seemed to be banking on people being annoyed and/or lazy enough that they’d just cave and keep paying for Norton.

    4. Observer*

      I’ve been happy with Norton – but I get the full protection, not just the AV.

      Malwarbytes is pretty good for detection, too.

  95. Free Meerkats*

    Worldcon costumes coming along. I’m picking up a 3D printed accessory piece for the competition costume tomorrow. It just needs to be smoothed, filled, painted, be assembled to another part, have something attached to it, and the whole assembly attached to something else. And that’s if I decide to not make it lighted…

    And here’s a photo of a fitting for a hall costume. This is the woman who helped me with the Rambo Brite costume in 2016.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/Bhpe39JlO5q/

    1. Windward (formerly Mm Hmm)*

      Cool!
      Pics after the event too, please.
      And just to say again, love the pink hair & beard.

    2. acmx*

      I was able to guess the Rainbow Bright part last year but this year I don’t know the costume…

  96. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I’m late to this, but who likes Mongolian barbecue? I just tried it for the first time for my birthday.

    To be frank, the raw meat on the buffet near the vegetables and sauces gives me the shudders, but they. had. LAMB! I really love it, but never get to eat it except at Indian restaurants and maybe Easter if someone from church is feeling ambitious.

    Salient facts about the experience:
    -For the love of all that is holy, go at less busy times!
    -The vegetables and noodles/rice/bread are traps. Do not engage. Go for the meat and seafood.
    -Garlic and curry sauces do not mix.

    1. LAM*

      I LOVE Mongolian BBQ. Sadly my partner does not. My brother and I used to go fairly often after picking him up from school that we developed a system for getting the most out of a trip up to the grill (because the one bowl option was cheaper than the unlimited bowl, obviously.)

      The protein (which I believe you encounter first), you add along the sides of the bowl (or if you’re doing heavy noodle, pack the protein on the bottom, and out your noodles along the sides). This way, there’s plenty of bowl space for all the veggies. And if you do it right, you can get a TON of food in that one bowl. Add some spices to the bowl as well as the sauce cup to add extra flavor.

      But yes, grabbing raw chunks if chicken or beef always is a bit ew….

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        I guess I lucked out- I don’t like Asian noodles (they had the translucent rice noodles and the other, normal kind), so I definitely ate a lot of the meat and sort of had Paleo/keto esque bowls. I still cannot believe I ate almost three! (Dinner is all you can eat).

        First: Lamb with broccoli, onion, snap peas, water chestnuts, and carrots with garlic and curry sauces.

        Second: Baby shrimp and calamari with broccoli, pineapple, peas, and curry sauce. (My only foray into calamari previously was with it fried- turns out I hate it otherwise, so I picked that out).

        Third: Pretty full, so just straight lamb with curry sauce and a few sad carrots.

        If Little Bo Peep wants to find her lost sheep, someone please let her know to call off the search, because I think the entire poor thing is in my stomach!

    2. Jemima Bond*

      Slight tangent but – why don’t you normally get to eat lamb? I’m trying to think of a context where it wouldn’t be widely available (like I assume it’s difficult or impossible to buy pork in a Muslim country) but I’m mystified.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Not original commenter, but growing up my mom wouldn’t let my dad cook lamb at home because she hated the smell of it cooking so much (although she seems to like it at restaurants). I grew up to hate the smell too, so I’m not going to eat it unless I’m at someone else’s house of a restaurant.

      3. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        I live in the Midwest- mostly what’s commonly available and cheap is beef and pork. Lamb is considered, I guess, more of an expensive specialty meat (and often has limited availability at mainstream grocery stores). That’s how I always remember it being- and how do you learn to cook something that’s hard to find, and really expensive if you mess it up?

        I think I should have been born in Australia/New Zealand. Leg of lamb as a standard dish…*drool*

      4. LCL*

        I bet OAC is in the US. Lamb is not widely available. Once awhile in the supermarket, but never as a restaurant meal. Unless you go to a place that specifically says they have lamb.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      Me! Love it. I could always tell which one was mine because it was super saucy hahaha

    4. Mimmy*

      We used to LOVE Mongolian BBQ! I’m not sure if they’re still around, but the place we used to go to starting getting lax in food hygiene so we stopped going. I think the place eventually closed.

  97. Epsilon Delta*

    As I navigate the world where almost everyone has cell phones and texting, I am finding that when I get someone’s phone number, like a new friend or the phone number of another parent at Kid’s school, I am too nervous to call it. It feels DISRUPTIVE in a way that I never remember feeling when I operated in a world of landlines. But I am also afraid to text it because that also seems presumptuous (what if it is not a cell phone? what if they think I’m a coward who hates talking on the phone?)

    Even with my best friends, I almost never cold call them. I text them and ask if I can call them first.

    Does anyone else have this weird phone anxiety?

    For context, I am 28, and I grew up using a landline phone. Didn’t get a cell phone till I was 16 and it was so junky I didn’t use it much, till I got a smart phone in my early 20’s.

    1. nep*

      I RARELY cold call someone. Just does not feel right. Now I know that people have the choice in the moment whether to answer their cell phone; or they could have it on silent if they’re busy and my call will just go to voicemail. But it still feels off. (An exception — I call an uncle from time to time to say hi. Not sure whether the number I’ve got is cell or landline…In any case that’s one call I make sometimes.)
      I don’t like talking on the phone anyway — but when I have to talk w someone I’ll text: ‘Let me know when you’ve got a few minutes to chat.’

    2. Lady Jay*

      Yes! I was speaking with my parents the other day. They were urging me to simply pick up the phone and call, while I was imagining texting or emailing, then calling if we needed to. I’m not sure I’d call it “anxiety” so much as “concern for politeness” – what if I’m interrupting them in the middle of something?

      That said, if I’m close with someone (family and friends) I do just call.

      In my 30s.

    3. Lora*

      I’m an Old and my only reason to cold call anyone is if they haven’t answered emails and I can’t get them on IM or WhatsApp.

      I also don’t answer unscheduled phone calls unless I recognize the number. Sometimes not then either. If you’re calling me and I’m not expecting you either on the phone or in person, there had better be smoke, dead bodies or flashing lights involved.

    4. The Person from the Resume*

      I’m with you. I very much prefer to text asking if now is a good time to call.

      I have a busy friend who most often calls while in the car because she can’t text and that’s when she has time. The surprise kind of bugs me when I have to drop something to answer at that very moment. Like this morning when my hands were covered in soap. But she’s a busy friend and I want to talk to her when I can. Sometimes I let it ring when I can’t or don’t want to answer it.

    5. Mimmy*

      I don’t like to cold call friends either. Weirdly, I don’t even like texting or private messaging people out of the blue unless there’s a good reason, like if you’re running late for something or you’re trying to touch base about something, such as planning a get together.

  98. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Finally, an update to my divorce drama – received a settlement proposal, and after over 6 months, the “deal” is only good until April 30. My STBEXH wants a lump sum of money by June 30th of this year, and another lump sum by June 30th of next year. He doesn’t want the house (I told him he could have it, live there, sell it, whatever, but no, he doesn’t want to). In return, he won’t take any of my 401K or pension from my first job when we retire. I have no idea where I’ll get the money, but it appears I’m going to be saddled with our crappy little house that will sell for much less than the money he’s asking for. The kicker is, he expects to stay on my health insurance through at least the end of October, and “maybe” the divorce could be finalized by the end of the year. Oh, and I just got notification less than 2 weeks ago, went out of town for most of last week, so I meet with my attorney on Tuesday.

    At this point, I’m no longer furious…I just want him to go away, far away, and never to see or speak to him again.

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I’ve been wondering about you! At least things are moving I guess.

      I find it so hard to believe that he can just say ‘no’ and delay and cause you so much grief. It’s not fair!

      Fingers crossed it goes smoothly from here.

      1. Dan*

        I donno… I’be been in Furious’s shoes, and I’m not sure that it is fair for one spouse to unilaterally declare what the other will get. For as much as I didn’t want to give me ex (who never worked and we didn’t have kids) anything, it seemed more practical to give her enough to get out of town and move back with family. To me, it came down to a logistics problem, instead of a “fairness” one.

    2. Dan*

      Hey…

      Been wondering how things were going on your end.

      So, there’s a couple of ways to look at this, assuming you actually have the cash he wants. 1) You’re not necessarily paying him, per se (even though you are) but what you are really paying for is for the convenience of having him go away. I honestly didn’t think my ex “deserved” what I gave her, but the choice was either to continue to negotiate/fight, or pay it, and accept that my life was going to get better *the very next day*. The later won out.

      2) The other way to look at this is it is another round of negotiations. For some reason I believe (correct me if I’m wrong) that your STBX doesn’t have a job or other source of income. If he doesn’t, the longer you go without supporting him, the sooner he will settle for less money.

      Side note: My ex wanted health insurance for a year as well. I got laid off 3 months after we separated, and I had the foresight to declare that the health insurance was contingent upon continued employment with that employer, and that I wouldn’t be responsible for COBRA payments in the event I separated.

      Along those lines, you may want to be very particular about when that year starts. My state doesn’t recognize “separated” as a legal status, so I’m pretty sure that the only times I could have gotten my ex removed was during open enrollment or when the divorce is final. I’m saying this, because if you time it wrong or don’t do the paperwork right, you could be paying for insurance for a much longer period of time than you originally expected.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        Hi Dan, thanks for this.

        No, I don’t have the money. Not by a long shot. I’ll have to borrow from my 401K plan and take a tax hit. I’m not sure I can get a loan for that much, and if I did, I couldn’t afford to make the payments in a reasonable amount of time. I could borrow it from my Mom, but I really don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want the house, so if he signs it over to me I can sell it, but it’s a real crap dump and not worth anything past it’s a roof over your head and warm in the winter. I doubt anyone would even want to use it as a hunting cabin, let alone a place to live. This is thanks to him and his gambling for years and years and nearly dragging us into bankruptcy. There was so much debt, and nothing left over for even basic repairs. He sold a piece of property in 2015 that he owned jointly with his sister and niece for $36,000 but I ever saw a penny and he didn’t put one cent into the house. I have no idea where the money went.

        He did get a job driving a taxi cab for a local company, but his earnings are still below mine. It’s basically an $8.25/hour job, and I make over double that currently. It’s surprising how motivated people can get when the gravy train derails.

        I live in PA, and they don’t recognize separation, either. I am going to add the whole contingent on employment and not paying COBRA thing when I see my attorney.

        As far as negotiations, he told me on the phone tonight that this is his final offer, and if I don’t accept it, he’s going to drag me into court and bring up all sorts of emotional abuse allegations (?) and drag me through the mud because I treated him so poorly during our marriage. It’s funny, I remember being the one left at home alone with a child while he was out gambling and draining our bank accounts, maxing out credit cards, etc. I’m going to tell my attorney, I’m not a lawyer, but this sounds like blackmail to me. (He texted me to call about another matter then launched into this tirade)

        I should have done this years ago. He knew for years I wanted a divorce, but always told me he’d make my life hell, drag things out as long as possible, smear my name in public, all sorts of things, and I just had enough one day and filed.

        I’ll keep everyone updated; this is the first real update I’ve had in weeks. Hopefully things will be looking up soon!

        2. Lora*

          1. Get a shovel
          2. Dig a big hole…

          I’m joking, I’m joking.

          Mostly.

          I’m sorry. It’s going to suck. Agree with Dan, it’s the logistical problem of “how much must I pay you to go away”. Route ALL communication through the lawyers. Save all texts and make notes on every call. Your lawyer can make a counter proposal that is fairer (not FAIR because that would involve him repaying all the marital assets he pissed away) but fairer. And he can tell his threats to his lawyer to relay them to your lawyer, who will presumably enlighten him with a bit of reality.

          People who think they will get a windfall in a divorce who are not married to Johnny Depp or whatever have frankly bizarre ideas about how financial settlements work in real life. I wouldn’t worry a whole lot about emotional abuse accusations if he doesn’t live with you or have literally years of evidence corroborated by therapists and whatnot. My ex thought he was going to get all kinds of stuff and he didn’t get anything more than he brought to the marriage and the opportunity to apologize for being a douchebag.

  99. London Calling*

    Dear Monique, if you have reached the stage of hacking your husband’s phone then your marriage is over. Spend the money on a lawyer instead.

    And stop spamming advice blogs.

  100. Anonymouse for this*

    Hi
    Can anyone give me some tips on how to train a cat to use an electronic catflap. Last time I did this I had a rescue kitten and I just picked her up and put her through it a couple of times and then waved a can of tuna at her thru the catflap and she figured it out. I now have a rescue cat about a year old and she is struggling – she keeps trying to pull the catflap towards her to open it and got her paw caught and near enough gave me a heart attack when she started screeching. I’ve been taping the flap up a bit so she can learn she has to push it to go thru. There are too many strays around to have just a plastic flap on the door. She’s my only cat at the moment so she can’t learn from watching others.
    Thanks

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Leave it propped open, and put a treat just inside but far enough so she has to go through it. Then walk away to let her figure it out. Perhaps you can check from a distance to make sure things are going okay?

      I have three steps down (inside my house) to get to my dog’s run. Well, I got new steps put in. The dog did not like the new steps and refused to use them. I left the door between the two rooms open. He came over and stared at the new steps for THREE hours. He laid down and fell asleep while staring at the steps. When he woke up, it was over, the steps were fine. We have never revisited the upset over the new steps.
      Yeah, three hours of staring at those steps. I guess whatever it takes, right?

      1. Anonymouse for this*

        Lol – three hours of eyeballing the stairs and then dreaming about them did the trick. Now if I can only get the cat to do something similar. Thanks – I will keep at it with toys – for a rescue cat she’s not particularly food oriented.

        Previously she’s just waited me out and spent the day outside only coming back in when I open the door because its too dark for her to be out. Am keeping out of eyesight of the partially open catflap to try and get her to do it on her own.

        If I was at all technically minded I’d design a catflap that opens horizontally like the doors on star trek – swoosh and in you go!

    2. Jersey's mom*

      Honestly, let her be an indoor cat. It’s a lot safer for her (no car accidents, no dog fights, no wild animal attacks, no killing birds/animals, no bites/infections from attacks,bno ugly human hurts). If she’s truly desperate to go out, she will eventually figure out the door. Othwrwise, let her be a happy and safe indoor kitty.

  101. Fes*

    When I was in middle school and high school, my family hosted many exchange students. One went badly, and the rest were excellent. I am still really good friends with one of our former exchange students, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I will be flying out to her country next summer to go to her wedding.

    I don’t know if you have kids, but it really was a great experience for me and opened up my worldview from a young age. Several did say rude things about Americans, but you just have to let that roll off your shoulders and hope they are realizing from their experience that not all stereotypes are true.

  102. nep*

    Gorgeous morning for a walk. It’s just brilliant out there. One month in and it’s finally starting to look and feel like springtime.

  103. Mazzy*

    Death – the absolutely last member of my grandparents’ generation died yesterday. I had thought I would take it in stride because she was so ancient and in such poor shape that death would seem like a relief, but I still ended up completely shocked, depressed, and crying, like during any other death. Still don’t know where the shock part came from. I think I’m just very grossed out from seeing her briefly on her last day. She was breathing extremely hard, as if she’s just sprinted a mile, and had a mask on and some other medicines to break up the fluid in her lungs, but it still looked horrible. Apparently she breathed like that for 12 hours before finally conking out. That after a long string of other degenerative diseases.

    So I feel a generational shift going on, as my mother is my oldest relative now. I no longer know anyone who remembers the Depression or was old enough to have siblings in the War, or any of that period of history. Now it is history, I guess. I was watching videos on youtube of the 20s and 30s last night and they really look very ancient at this point now that no one from that time period is really alive anymore.

    Related, I went to a relative’s house and it was so stuffy. How do people live without opening the windows ever? I don’t understand it. Mine are always cracked. You cook, you take showers, and to be crass, go to the bathroom and pass gas, how do you not open your windows to let in fresh air, ever? The older I get the more that grosses me out. I really appreciate fresh air. I crack my windows a tad even in the window because I love the smell/non-smell of clean air and feel like it’s washing away the smell from cooking that I can’t register but other people can’t. They had billowy curtains over the window in the bathroom and thick mats. Doesn’t that make it very musty and prone to grow mold? I felt so relieved to come home to hardwood floors and fresh air.

    1. Enough*

      Quite a few houses in my neighborhood don’t even have screens. When I can I turn off the heat pump and open the Windows. Bonus is saving money on the electric bill.

    2. fposte*

      My spring allergies are insane, and I hate summer humidity. Windows get opened in fall :-).

    3. Chaordic One*

      As they get older, many people seem to have their body’s thermostat go out of wack. Even when it is above 80 degrees outside, they are always cold. I think that is a big part of the problem.

      Also, some people become worried about their physical security. They’re afraid that if they leave a window open, someone will use it to break into their house.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Definitely. And adding sometimes the windows don’t open any more and they cannot afford to have them fixed.
        And sometimes it because it’s not much of a priority any more.

    4. Lysette*

      I can’t afford to heat my home if I go opening windows and letting the heat out all the damn time. :/

  104. Aphrodite*

    TinyKittens: Chloe and Ramona.

    I swear I learn so much with every single cat that passes through there. This time it was watching Ramona assist Chloe with her births. Between them there are nine kittens and I, like most it seems, hope that the two mothers will be adopted together. It was nothing short of amazing!

  105. Buu*

    I’ve booked a solo trip to Paris for a week, I’ve never solo travelled overseas before but I’m excited. Any recommendations for things to do/see? I’m female into history and general geek culture/films/games/movies etc. Already booked to do Disney one day. I know I won’t see it all, but it feels like enough to me!

    1. Lily Evans*

      Half of the things I did in Paris were recommendations from the blog Solo Sophie. She’s written a ton about the city and focuses on more quirky off-the-beaten-path choices with a lot of historical locations that I’d never heard about before. Here is her “obscure Paris” tag!

      1. Reba*

        Great resource!

        My fav Very Touristed thing was the catacombs. I found it surprisingly fascinating and moving (surprising because I’m not usually that into things many people wait in line to do).

        My fav lesser known things are: wandering in the other countries within Paris. The 19th, 18th, and 11th are great places to get North African patisserie or Thai sandwiches and experience the cultural diversity of the city. The Grand Mosque in the 5th has an amazing leafy courtyard teahouse. Also over in the 5th are the Musee Cluny (middle ages) and Arenes de Lutece (roman ruins) depending on what era of history you’re into.

        Notre Dame is of course super impressive but if you are into architecture, for my money Sainte Chapelle and St. Denis (in the eponymous suburb, easy by metro) are better.

        Versailles is truly amazing as well, but I’m meh on the haut-excessive French style and since your time is limited I personally would pass on it, unless it’s critical for you, just because it will take up a whole day. I prefer Chantilly, a small jewel of a chateau, with horses! Also accessible by regional train RER D (would be included if you get an all-zone metro pass) or TER (main line trains ~10E).

        Hope you have a great time!

        1. Lily Evans*

          I have similar feelings toward Versailles. People are shocked when I tell them I didn’t really enjoy it, but it just didn’t live up to the hype for me and it was so crowded even in November, I couldn’t imagine being there during high season. If Versailles is something you’ve dreamed of seeing and really don’t want to miss, then go for it. But if you’re not desperate to see it to begin with, you might just feel frustrated that you spent an entire day there when you could have done something else. And it will take a full day, despite some resources claiming it can be a half day trip.

      1. Red Reader*

        But not on Tuesday (or whatever day the Louvre is closed, it was Tuesday when I was there I think). Versailles is super super crowded, and the day of the week that the Louvre is closed is even worse. I got literally pushed down and trampled by a tour group, it was so crowded, and I ended up leaving because I couldn’t see anything, there were so many people jammed into all the rooms.

    3. Sam Foster*

      Musée de l’Orangerie. I must’ve spent an hour staring that water lilies.

      Also try and discover when places have extra/earlier hours and whether there are alternate entrances. Followed Rick Steves’ advice at the Louvre, went early through side entrance and was standing in front of the Mona Lisa by myself for several minutes.

      If you go to Versaille be careful which train stop you get off on. My travel companion had us get off at the first stop that had the word Versaille in it. Not the correct choice.

      1. NicoleK*

        Yes, the train to and from Versaille can be confusing. On our way back to Paris, for about 20 minutes, I could not tell if we were on the correct or the wrong train. And I’m pretty good at navigating.

      2. Lily Evans*

        I took the wrong train and ended up half an hour out of Paris in a random suburb, only to finally double back and realize that not only was the Versailles train labelled “Versailles” the inside was also decorated to look like the palace.

        And I second your advice for off-hours at the Louvre! I went on a Wednesday during their late hours and it was way less crowded than during the day. It’s also cool seeing the courtyard all lit up from inside the museum.

        1. Lily Evans*

          Also at Versailles pay for a pass on the little tram that drives around if you want to see the whole property. It is deceptively large and I seriously regretted the amount of walking I ended up doing that could have been avoided.

        2. Buu*

          Thanks for the Louvre tips, I want to go but was really put off by the talk of the crowds/wait. Going on off hours seems like a perfect way to fit it in whilst I go to less well known areas during peak.

      3. heckofabecca*

        Seconding the Rick Steves rec! His self-guided walking tours are very nice—we used the ones for Père Lachaise, the Musée d’Orsay (WHICH IS GREAT), and the Marais. Fun off-track history places—the sewer museum and the archaeology crypt by Notre Dâme. Both are fairly small and central, so they don’t take too long, and there was no line!

        Food wise, Café Med on Île-St-Louis is REALLY GOOD!

        1. Buu*

          Thanks so much for the tips everyone, this is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for! I will report back after the trip.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I much prefer musée d’orsay to the louvre, I love St Denis, and Montmartre (take the metro, it’s easy) is probably my favourite neighbourhood. Look at the Eiffel Tower, but I wouldn’t go up it, it’s expensive. If you want to go up a tower, I recommend Montparnasse, which is taller and cheaper than the Eiffel Tower. Champs de Mars, Place Vendôme, les invalides, all cool to see. I like doing the super-touristy evening boat ride on the seine, it can be a bit pricey (I think about 30 euros? It’s been a few years) but you see a lot, it’s pretty relaxing, and the buildings at night are beautiful. I also love Père Lachaise cemetery, super worth the long metro ride for a history person :) Moulin Rouge is worth a look, if only for a pic :)

  106. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Had the best low-key bachelorette sleepover ever :D Played typical games, pin the kiss (paper) on the Colin Firth cutout, had mixed peach bellinis, chocolate brandy trifle, crafts/coloring/decoupage, classy beer pong (abstainers tossed balls). Breakfast: funfettu waffles, sausage, while watching old school Pride and Prejudice (Colin Firth).

    My friends/MOH really came through; feeling so lucky….:D

  107. so, so anon for this*

    Longtime reader and lurker here…

    I feel strongly that my marriage is ending. Dying a slow death. I feel so sad about it. For the last several years, my husband has had depression and contamination OCD. Germs. It’s been a constant struggle. We only got married 1.5 years ago or so, I kept thinking depression is an illness we will fight together and it will be ok. The first “career” job he had ended in disability leave for depression and being laid off for staying on leave longer than the 12 weeks they saved his job for. What followed was a few months of unemployment, sitting at home depressed all day and not doing anything to help himself, help me, or clean our apartment that was a pigsty due to his fear of germs. He go ta job and that one slowly started following apart because of long hours and his inability to manage himself. Plus OCD ruining another apartment and me being powerless to do anything myself because it would trigger his anxiety. I know I make it worse by accommodating his fear, but it’s either that or get grief from him. Then he went on elave and then left that job to work with his dad. That fell apart when they fought. Followed again by months of sitting around. Things came to a head over the summer/in September and he made a decision to try again. He went on antidepressants again even though he’s opposed to them and hates the side effects. He got a new job in the field he failed in before. Things were looking up; we still had the germ problem but he wasnt’ depressed anymore. We had months of legit happiness and I finally felt emotionally safe and like we were evolving. I had hope again. We weren’t fighting. He didn’t have mood swings. But now we’re back to a place where nothing is good. We’re fighting again, he’s so depressed again, about to quit his job again, not on medication anymore. he thinks everything i suggest is just trying to get what I want rather than trusting what he has to say. i can’t help but advocate for what i think is the right decisions because he’s not in his right mind. all i want him to do is find a job before he quits this one, and i want him on antidepressants again. he says he wants the time to get our lives together (clean our place… as if that worked the other 3 times…) and maybe visit relatives overseas. i dont’ understand why he thinks this time would be different than the others. he’s just repeating the same cycle. he started seeing his therapist again but he’s never made any moves to really and truly take care of his illness. he needs to do research about self-care. he needs to exercise. he needs to find a therapist for his ocd. we are unable to live normally because of it. we can’t have people over because the place is messy and dirty. we have to wash our hands all the time. it’s ridiculous. we are only happy when we ignore our issues. i know we shouldn’t have gotten married now, but we still love each other. i don’t really have it in me to leave him, but what kind of life is this? cycling through jobs, uncontrolled OCD, arguing, no evolution to buying a house or having a family. he can’t take care of himself right now, or of me… but when he isn’t depressed and when he’s happy in his job, his only problem is the OCD and otherwise he is so wonderful and smart and kind and attentive and RATIONAL.

    1. not using my name for this*

      I’m going to be honest. It’s not going to work. You know this.

      I’ve been where you are. I spent two decades with my husband because I thought I could fix the issues and everything would be fine. He had the exact same issues as your husband. I wish I had realized a year and a half in that we shouldn’t have been married.

      If you think you don’t have it in him to leave you, imagine having spent the best years of your life trapped in the marriage. You talk about having a family. My childbearing years are behind me now. If kids are something you want it’s not going to happen with him and if it does think about what it would be like to bring kids into this.

      Love isn’t enough. It’s not selfish for you to do what is best for you.

    2. Book Lover*

      It sounds like you are both trapped in a never ending circuit. You can get out. Maybe that will shock him into breaking out also. Or maybe not. But in the end, selfish or not, right now both of you are miserable. You leave the marriage and you grieve a while and you worry about him for a while – and then maybe you can have a life. I am so very sorry.

    4. I Am Still Furious!!*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not going to work and it’s just going to get worse and worse. Please look long and hard at yourself and this situation. Don’t spend the best years of your life with someone who is not going to change and will just make you more and more miserable. It’s not worth it.

    5. Observer*

      Obviously your best bet is to get out. But if that’s just not something you can do now, GET A THERAPIST OF YOUR OWN.

      1. Figure out how to not enable (and therefore exacerbate) his problems while either limiting the grief he gives you or finding a good way to deal with it.

      2. Figure out how to stop yourself from advocating for him to do anything. It’s not that you are wrong, but it’s that he needs to come to this decision on his own. You really, really can’t push him and it’s not doing you any good.

      3. Figure out how to advocate for yourself.

      If you can do all of that, one of two things will happen. Either things will improve enough that you can be content (although the others are right that kids are going to be an issue regardless) or you WILL find the wherewithal to walk away. Either way, you will be better off.

    6. Jersey's mom*

      If the situation is the same two years from now, would you still want to be with him? How about five years? Or 10 years? He needs to get help with managing his issues. You’ve been supportive, kept the home together financially, and tried to help him with counseling. It’s not working. You need to start working on an exit strategy for yourself. Financial, legal, new residence, etc. Consider a trial seperation. If he is unable to begin to pull his life toget her – if he doesn’t start with serious counseling….you have to consider that you will be his caretaker for your entire life. Where do you want to be in 10 years?

    7. Drama Llama*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      My son has OCD and my husband has anxiety. I can so relate to your sense of frustration and burden.

      During the worst bouts of OCD/anxiety symptoms it’s so stressful it seems like it will never end. It’s really, really hard. In ways I can’t properly explain to people who haven’t experienced it. But when it does receive proper treatment, I’m amazed by how much difference it makes to our lives.

      Getting my son to get treatment was easy – he was 6 when we first started therapy (I say “we” because at that age a lot of the therapy involves educating parents as well). My husband was harder. He wasn’t really convinced he needed treatment until fairly recently. It took years to get him to a psychologist, only after a lot of gentle encouragement and tough love – including me refusing to enable his avoidance behaviours due to anxiety. For example I would always have to be in the car if he drove to an unfamiliar location, so I stopped accompanying him (lots of other examples as well but that’s one of them). I have no control over my husband’s medical decisions but I can control my own behaviour; and all the hand holding I did with him was causing so much stress and extra work in my life I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

      You’re not responsible for your husband’s life, or his mental health issues. He can only address it when/if he decides to do so. And if he refuses, you cannot be his saviour. It’s okay to invite people over, it’s okay to not wash your hands, it’s okay to tell him you’re not happy and you don’t agree to what he wants to do. Actually, you’d be doing him a favour by causing him discomfort this way. Because you’re not enabling his OCD and going along with his symptoms. He has choice between dealing with his discomfort or seeking treatment to alleviate it.

  108. Little Bean*

    TV watching habits. Partner likes to watch TV much more than I do. As in, his preference is to have the TV on at all times while in the house, and to sit and watch a couple of hours every night after dinner. Personally, I didn’t have cable when I lived alone and will generally only turn on the TV for a few particular shows that I like to watch. I’m fine with it being on in the background, so usually our routine is that I’ll watch a bit here and there with him, but then I’ll start folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen (I can see the TV from the kitchen) or doing some work on my laptop while watching. Normally this is fine. However, every now than then, he’ll get upset that I’m not “paying attention” because he wants me to enjoy the show with him. Last night, he really wanted me to watch several episodes of the Simpsons with him. I don’t care for the Simpsons and he’s seen them all a million times. I suggested that we have it on while doing something else, like playing a board game together but he didn’t want to do that. He said that he’d spent the whole day with my family (true) and he just wanted me to do this one thing for him, so I gave in. Halfway through the second episode, I started falling asleep and he then was upset that I wasn’t trying harder to stay awake (to be honest, I wasn’t trying, because I was sleepy and didn’t want to watch this show in the first place). I don’t care about it being on all the time but, with the exception of a few shows that I’m really into, I don’t want to spend that much time *just* sitting and watching TV; I feel lazy and start thinking about all the chores that need to be done around the house, how I could be better spending my time, etc. He does a lot of things he wouldn’t otherwise do because I ask him to (for example, we spend more time with my family than his, he comes over to help my dad with chores at their house, I choose nicer restaurants than he would chose himself), so is this just how I reciprocate? Can I get out of this without making it big deal? Or do I need to have a serious talk about how I don’t want to be pressured to spend time doing things I don’t want to do?

    1. fposte*

      It may feel silly, but can you talk (sometime when it’s not a pressing issue) about quantifying an amount of shared TV that he can ask for and you agree to give? That way it’s clear you won’t do it all the time but you’re willing to do it sometimes.

      I don’t think anybody wants to spend time on stuff they don’t want to do, but people do that in relationships anyway. The trick is to find a balance where you’re accommodating your partner’s desires but not throwing away all of your own and getting accommodated in return. For him watching TV with you is an important shared activity; maybe you can negotiate an hour a week of undivided shared TV watching with maybe a couple more hours where you can multitask while watching, and he doesn’t push beyond that and you don’t balk at it.

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Maybe you could designate one or two nights a week to be “TV nights”, where you choose something to watch together?

    3. Forking Great Username*

      It would bug me if my partner insisted that I regularly watch TV shows I don’t like just for his own enjoyment. It’s one thing to occasionally see a superhero movie I’m not interested in just because he’s really excited about. It’s another to be guilt tripped into sitting through episodes of a show he likes that I really don’t.

      My husband and I have different TV preferences (for example, he likes CNN, especially bits where opposing sides argue with eacother, whereas I get super stressed out by that.) Our general routine is that we have a couple of shows that are “our shows” which we make time to watch together every week. When it comes to shows we like that the other person doesn’t, neither of us cares when the other person does their own thing while we enjoy a show. Obviously that isn’t the case for you guys, but do you think that having the routine with shows you both watch would help?

      And I’d want to talk about the bean counting that seems to be going on here if that’s a regular thing. Obviously you’re focusing on the problem here because that’s what you need advice on, but based on your description this relationship, it sounds like both of you constantly doing things you don’t want to do or getting the other person to do things they don’t want to do while keeping track of the balance and fairness. Which just sounds kind of exhausting.

  109. Nervous Accountant*

    I’ve been super grumpy all weekend and not sure why. I used to get like this before my dad passed so I’m not sure if this is grief or just me being me and if it’s the latter I’m worried. This is my first full weekend of the year, and Ive been spending it mostly with my husband and…..the only time I wasn’t annoyed or frustrated was when I was taking a nap. There were a lot of things that….I feel bad for getting mad over but then I feel justified with. I feel bad for being grumpy b/c he was looking forward to this being our first weekend in a long time.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like you are super tired. Can you tell him you need quiet time to come down from your busy season?

    2. Jersey's mom*

      Been there, done that. I’ve been incredibly busy and stressed at work ( and distant faaaamiilly issues). We went on vacation and all I wanted to do was veg out in the room or deck reading and was super grumpy.

      I figured out that I really needed some quiet alone me time for a day or two. It allowed me to center myself and let go of the stress. I had to explain this in some detail to my husband, as he was expecting a fun filled busy vacation that I just couldn’t participate in.

      Finally I explained to him that I loved him but I was so stressed out and mentally burned out that I needed two “me” days to sit, read, listen to music and to be left alone. He was initially miffed, as he thought I was doing this AT him, but I explained about work, and then he was fine ( and actually got my favorite take out and stayed at the restaurant for a drink so I could have alone time).

      Good luck and I hope you get a couple day’s of me time!

  110. Trixie*

    Smudge sticks, any favorites? I purchased some locally but wasn’t pleased. Am now looking at other choices online.

  111. PhyllisB*

    Tried to post this yesterday, but computer was being stubborn. Got a new furbaby yesterday!! Some of you may remember about me posting about the loss of our two dogs last year; Roxy in August, Lola in November. Decided I was ready to take the plunge again, so went on website of our local animal rescue, and adopted a male doxie-mix named George. He has made himself right at home; and he and my 12 year-old grandson are best buddies already. I forgot how much boys and dogs go together. Our home feels right again.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Thank you, nep. He has adjusted beautifully. Acts like he’s always been with us. It’s funny how he’s learned how to interact with each member of the family. With my grand-son and my adult son he’s like, “LET’S PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” With me it’s cuddles and pets with a little play. With my husband it’s somewhere in the middle. All in all, a good addition to the family.

  112. Laura H*

    I’m late but I had a lovely weekend at a church retreat… funny how they’re simultaneously restful but you’re so tired when you get home.

    Anyway,

    I bit the bullet and bought a new computer. And with that comes the task of transferring files- what to keep, what to toss,…

    What’s the best way to facilitate the transfer? Use external media (flash drive external hard drive etc)?

  113. Little Twelvetoes*

    The weekend is long over, but as Little Twelvetoes, I just had to come here to give a shout-out RIP to Bob Dorough, the writer and performer of much of Schoolhouse Rocks, including my eponym.

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