weekend free-for-all – April 28-29, 2018

by Alison Green on April 28, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Then She Was Gone, by Lisa Jewell. A woman whose daughter disappeared 10 years ago ends up in a relationship with a man whose daughter looks eerily like her own, and all is not what it seems. I don’t normally read suspense because I find it so stressful, but somehow I started reading this and couldn’t put it down. (And it was stressful! But good.)

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Language Student*

    Anyone get married young? Advice? I’m 20, recently started planning my wedding, will be 24 by the time I get married and we’ll have been together for 10 years, living together and financially independent for 7. Our view is very much that we’re planning the marriage as much as (actually, more so than) the wedding, so any advice helps!

    1. Life is Good*

      Married at 20 and 22. We met at 17 (me) and 19 (him). After 38 years of marriage we are doing great. I have no sage advice to offer. There will be ups and downs because you are individuals and people change over the years, but I think if you have the same core values, you will be ok. Good luck and congratulations!

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I’ve heard really good things about pre-marital counseling! Most people I know who have tried it said it was actually very fun and helpful, because they got to think about things they wouldn’t have considered otherwise, even though they had known their partners for a long time.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes, it was helpful to be intentional about discussing things that don’t occur to you to bring up. No great surprises or Revelations, but we all have assumptions about relationships, roles, communication, and what it means to be married. Usually those are so ingrained we can’t even see them. Even when you’ve known each other a long time, there’s always some expectations about marriage that are different. Unpacking them helps you get on the same page and realize there’s not just One Right Way.

      2. Kj*

        Gottman (a very famous researcher in marriages) has some great classes, held all over the country by trained educators. Link in my user name to one example.

      3. Buffy*

        Second pre marital counseling! It was a required thing with our church as a part of pre-Cana, but I found it very helpful. Going back, I’d even find a marriage counselor to see if they offered pre-marital sessions.

      4. Language Student*

        I’ve heard good things about this! We’re planning to get married in the church my partner’s a member of, so it’s mandatory anyway, but we’re considering doing extra or doing pre-marital counseling for longer. Thank you!

    3. the gold digger*

      I did not get married young, but my cousin did. She and her now-husband went to the long (six Saturdays in a row) pre-marital course required by their church. I was really impressed by the topics they covered. They had to talk about whether they would have children and how the children would be cared for. They had to talk about who would take out the trash. They each had to prepare a meal plan for a week using a budget of $3 per meal. They had to talk a lot about how they spend money and save money and view debt. Their class got into the super detailed, nitty-gritty of things. You guys may have already talked about a lot of this, though, as you live together.

      1. The Opening Act*

        The post says they’ll have been living together and finaiclally independent for seven years by the time they get married, in four years.

      2. ValaMalDoran*

        I read it as by the time they get married in four years, they’ll have been living together and financially independent for 7 years.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 21 (yes, 21…). We got married when I was 21 and he was 27. I think what helped us was that we lived together for a couple years before we got married. Those two years were rough for us. We both had a lot of maturing to do: he needed to get used to someone asking him where he’s been when he finally decides to come home at 3 am after a very long night of drinking with the guys and no phone call to say he’d be that late, and I needed to realize that his friends were there before me and he needed to spend time with them (I was very jealous of his friends at the time, or really anything that took time away from ME ME ME) and I needed to spend time with my friends. We got through it and things greatly improved once we moved out of his parents’ house (we lived in the basement). I think because we were no longer forced to live together in a few hundred square feet, and we’d already gotten through the growing pains of living together. We’ve been together for 28 years this month, and married for 22 years.

      I’d say realize that you both are still young and there may be some maturing to do on one or both sides. That can be rough. Realize that one or both of you may feel as though you both have some living to do. Do some of those things together and some of them solo. Alone time is a must so that you don’t feel suffocated. (People are often appalled that my husband and I sometimes take separate vacations, but absence makes the heart grow fonder!) Also, pick your battles. There were things that I (notice I said “I” not “we”) fought about for no apparent reason–stupid things–which was likely tied to my desire to control him back when I was so young. I didn’t know how to let him be himself and I tied my identity to him. I’m way past that now, though.

      Good luck!

    6. It’s All Good*

      Married at 22, together since 16. Celebrating 28 years. – The way you communicate is key. Don’t be stuck resolving conflict at 24 like you did when you were 17. Go to therapy periodically for checkups. Congratulations!

    7. Erin*

      I got engaged at 24 and married at 25. A four year engagement is *long* no matter how old you are, but especially when you’re young. A lot can change, so be prepared for the person you marry in 4 years to be different than the person you got engaged to today. We got engaged and planned the wedding within 10 months (we’d been together 4 years- we met in college).

      Compared to friends that married later, our finances have been joined since we were 24. We paid for our grad programs, first house, etc jointly. Did a lot of our “fun 20s” married- living in the city, weekends at clubs/shows/bars/brunches, etc.

      While we married young, we didn’t have kids until I was 29 (almost 30), and at 34 I’m about to have our 3rd and final kid. Our 10th anniversary is this summer! We are extremely different people than we were a decade ago.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        One of the great NPR stories: Some politician at 50 was mired in an infidelity scandal from when he was 35, and he was arguing that he was a completely different person then. So they interviewed a bunch of 50 year olds and, to a person, they felt they were quite different from 35. Things that barely mattered then were now big, and vice versa. I am almost 50, and find this to hold true of myself as well. Some things I have more patience with, some things less.

        There is no age at which your unchangeable adult personality kicks in.

    8. Lora*

      I’ll be the combo breaker: got married at 22 (he was 25), at which point we had lived together two years and dated for almost a year before moving in together. We had known each other via friends of friends since high school. It was dumb but we were both in a crappy financial position and it really made the most financial sense at the time – we needed health insurance and the state of PA still counted my mother’s income as “expected family contribution” to limit my financial aid for college and grad school – and she hadn’t contributed a dime since I was 17. If anything, I was supporting her on my measly work-study and summer jobs, although she worked full time (I still support her). When I got married, the Expected Family Income = $0 and I could get a lot more financial aid, and he was able to get health insurance via my grad school. We did love each other, it wasn’t totally convenience. I was fresh out of college, and he didn’t have good grades in high school but he had a job in shipping & receiving and was good at it.

      Did I mention it was dumb? I didn’t have a lot of financial options though. We got divorced after 15 years: in that time, he had developed drug and alcohol habits, craigslist hooker habits, and had some serious mental illness problems that he refused to get treated. I had hauled him to rehab and the psych ward multiple times to no avail, he had burned through my savings (mine because god knows he never saved a dime), and he had a side piece who was demanding that he divorce me and make me pay him alimony (ha!). He started coming home wasted, coked-up and turned violent more than once, and when the police had to be called for domestic violence it was like GET OUT NOW. Judge told him he could be deported if he refused to obey a restraining order, and he didn’t want to be deported, so he left but didn’t go far.

      The divorce was nightmare fuel and not amicable: SidePiece pushed hard for him to get alimony (he didn’t), committed insurance fraud on my health insurance, I got a cancer diagnosis literally the day after court, there were a million ridiculous awful things that happened. Had to go to the lawyers frequently because he refused to abide by the financial agreement. It’s emotionally traumatic, really – if he had died (he threatened to commit suicide repeatedly), it would have been very sad, but in many ways easier and cleaner, over with quickly. It’s different when the person you loved and invested so much into turning into a monster vampire beast that sucks money. Best thing about it was, we had no children.

      Prior to getting married I was very focused on school and my career, very driven. It took several years after getting divorced to regain that level of focus and energy, direction.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yeah, I … was divorced once when I was 20 and again when I was 29. But I also made some really dumb mistakes in both cases, knew I was doing so, knew better, and just couldn’t figure out how to get myself out of them. So the only advice I give about young marriage is this: If you have second thoughts or feel at any point that maybe this isn’t the right idea, trust your gut. It’s easier to put on the brakes and wait than to undo it all later.

        (In my case, I knew so hard that my first marriage, at 18, was a huge mistake – he was an alcoholic pothead who couldn’t hold a job, among other things – but I as a clueless-about-life teenager couldn’t figure out how to get out of it without making my friends mad and upsetting my parents, who had paid for the whole thing, so I never said anything to anybody and just kept going because I didn’t know what else to do. Turns out, when I finally told my parents that after the divorce, that they would happily have paid two, three, five times as much or more in lost deposits and nonrefundable charges if it meant I wasn’t marrying him, and that they wouldn’t have been mad at all. And he did get all the friends in the divorce, but in retrospect, that wasn’t really any great loss on my part. :P )

      2. Erin*

        On balance- my sister dated someone she met at 21 for ten years. They got married when they were 32 after living together for several years. He hauled her in and out of rehab (a bit before the marriage, and after). She was a train wreck. But she was no more or less a train wreck than in the 10 years they dated. They divorced after 18 months.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Yeah, anecdotally you can find both people who married young and it didn’t work, and people who married after a decade and it didn’t work. I think age is popular as a point of analysis because, whatever foolish mistakes you made at 37, you’re now 39 so that’s done.

    9. Laurin Kelly*

      We were both 20 when we met and 24 when we got married, a few months after graduating from college. We’ll be married 24 years in September and still love each other to pieces, so I can definitely say that in our case getting married young worked out for the best!

    10. LilySparrow*

      Planning for the marriage is a great perspective.

      Didn’t get married young, but as far as wedding planning, just remember that the goal is a nice party for you and your loved ones to enjoy. Not perfection. Not a referendum on your relationship. A nice party.

      A LOT of people are going to try to make you think the wedding *has* to have this or that, it *has* to be the bestest, mostest, superest thing ever. They all have an agenda, and your happiness isn’t it. They either want to sell you something, or they are unconsciously using you to act out some drama of their own. Shrug it off.

      Make a nice party. Avoid stress. Be kind and thoughtful. Be a team. Enjoy each other.

      1. Buffy*

        Awesome advice, I sent a screenshot to my friends who are getting married in 3 weeks and deeply mired in the getting-married-in-3-weeks stress. :)

      2. Bigglesworth*

        I second this so much! I only had a for month engagement and one of the main reasons was to keep the focus on it being just a party. We didn’t cater a meal, but had chocolate and candy covered apples and coffee (the elixir of life). It was fun and that’s what we wanted it to be. :)

        Fine Note: I actually wanted to elope, but he wanted to have pictures and the whole family there. I’m glad now that we had the ceremony, because several of our older relatives (great-aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc) have passed away since then.

      3. Saucy Minx*

        According to Miss Manners, your wedding should be like any other party you give, only a bit nicer. And according to me, it should not be billed as the happiest day of your life, since that would mean it was all downhill post-wedding.

        I endorse the plan of signing up w/ a therapist who will bring out the assumptions & help you both learn to communicate well w/ each other. If it turns out that one of you wants enough sons for a football team & one of you wants a cat sanctuary, or one of you likes gender-dictated roles & the other one thinks both parties will pitch in on child-rearing, cooking, & cleaning, best to get these notions out in the open & have as many frank discussions as it takes to come to an agreement that works for both.

    11. Chalupa Batman*

      I was 21 and he was 23 when we got married, together about a year. We’ll celebrate 13 years married this year. I really don’t know what the secret sauce is. Some days it’s hard and some days it’s the only thing that gets me through. I think to an extent we lean into that. We know, every day, that sometimes it’s gonna suuuuck. We’re both always changing. We’re not the same people and we don’t have the same marriage we did a decade ago. I guess we’ve gotten better at talking through things and figuring them out, and we’re both committed to doing that work. Marriage is frickin hard. But I still think it gets a bad rap- if anything, marriage is underrated. There’s nothing else like fully trusting and bonding to another person. It changes you as a person.

    12. Lilo*

      Married at 23 here. One thing I would advise is, don’t jump into having kids right away. A lot of people will expect you to, but you’ll have a lot of time to just be married and be the two of you before it becomes an issue. Obviously, if that’s what you want, that’s your choice. But you might get some weird pressure to have kids young as well, and you can feel free to just ignore that.

      1. Language Student*

        Luckily for us, there are only a couple of people who expect us to have kids at all, let alone any time soon – we’re both cis women so if we do choose to have kids, it’s going to have to be planned. Very grateful that our families are mostly respectful and understanding of bodily autonomy and not wanting children!

    13. LemonLyman*

      Not me but my sister. They met freshman year of college but didn’t become a couple for another year or so. They got married at 24 but divorced seven years later. They are still friends and care for each other, but hey acknowledge they got married too young (too young for them). They didn’t know each other truely as adults and it turned out they had different paths in life. They would say that they didn’t know themselves as adults, first. They both were in grad school their first couple years of marriage and then my sister was offered a great job that took her to a different city. He couldn’t come because his doctoral program wasn’t over. He eventually joined her but her job had her traveling a lot.

      I think their advice to most now is just to be aware that your goals will change as you get really into adulthood and into your career. And, as many other mentioned, communication is key. As with most successful marriages, some sacrifice and compromise will be in order. Just make sure it’s not one person who is always doing the compromise and sacrifice!

      I would say that it’s important that you are already talking about the future, kids, where you want to live, goals, how to handle money, etc. For instance, spouse’s family have very different philosophies of how to deal with money than I do. So I made sure to have long talks with my spouse on how we would approach our money, saving (for a home, etc.), spending, etc. We got on the same page before getting engaged but I think it could have been a very contentious thing if we had ended up with two different approaches.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I got married at 23. I met him when I was 19.
      I love what one of my aunts said, “Couples grow up together.” Yeah, be prepared to watch each other mature and as we mature we change our opinions on things, we change our priorities and sometimes we change what we value. This does not mean the marriage is over. It just means we are progressing through life. A pup used to be very important to me, now health insurance is very important to me. Different ages bring different focuses.
      And the way couple’s express their love changes also, sometimes it matches the needs of the stage of life. Initially, perhaps flowers or going to the movies were important to me. As I went along, I placed a higher value on him coming to the doctor’s with me or getting groceries with me. So his expressions of love shifted accordingly. Love has all kinds of costumes and the way we express love changes. It’s still love, though.

      The best tidbit I heard was love is not an emotion, it’s a commitment. Commitment is what happens on days when we are just. not. feeling. it. And there will be days. I thought about this and I added one more step, it’s best if at least one of you remembers why the two of you are together. You can take turns doing this, but if both people forget at the same time, that’s not so good. I can definitely say there will be times where YOU will carry the two of you, and then there will be times where Other Half will carry the two of you. It’s good to remember that life can be very hard regardless of marital status. In other words, both of you would have struggles even if you did not find each other and just lived on your own. Some struggles are just part of living.

      Last. No spouse provides the comprehensive package. Each of you will need to keep your friendships alive with other people and will need to keep developing your interests and your careers. This part of life we do on pretty much on our own, except for when it comes to making decisions that also impact the spouse, such as moving or taking a pay cut. Keep your friendships and family relationships (the ones you want) active and on-going. Encourage your Other Half to do the same.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I love all of this, but especially the parts about growing together and love being a commitment even when you are not feeling it.

        An example of love that stands out to me–I had been stuck in the snow for a long time, shoveling and spinning and getting nowhere. He came from work, handed me the keys to his car, and told me to take our kid home, get warm, and he would be home when the car was out.

      2. Language Student*

        This is amazing advice, thank you so much! I especially like the bit about commitment and continuing to develop individually, as well. There’s a lot here that I need to think about. Thank you again!

    15. Reba*

      Esther Perel has a concept (or at least she’s spoken about it, IDK if she coined it): Capstone vs. Cornerstone model of relationships. You might enjoy reading about it!

      1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

        If anyone else is curious about this concept but can’t watch videos at work (and videos are a lot of what come up when you search), I found this short quote:

        “One of the striking features for millennials is what’s come to be called a capstone marriage, as opposed to the cornerstone marriage of the boomers, in which you married early and grew up together. When you marry in your early 20’s, you’re in a relationship that’s going to shape you in the most fundamental ways, but in a capstone marriage, partners come together far more fully formed.

        Many people today approach capstone marriage as if they’re beta testing a website. You have it kind of half-official, and you do it for two years to see if it holds up and you can actually sustain it. “I’m already formed, so what I’m choosing you for is basically the one thing for which I still really need a committed relationship, which typically is the raising of children.””

    16. Chameleon*

      Met my husband at 21 and married at 25. We’ve been married for 17 years and….

      Well, I don’t want to be the buzzkill. I still love him and we are mostly happy together, but I really, *really* regret not spending some years living on my own and being more independent for some of my life. Like, I have never even been on a vacation by myself that lasted longer than a day. And we’ve both changed in some ways that have made things difficult. (Our ideas of how much life outside of marriage is healthy is…let’s just say quite different.)

      I’m not saying don’t do it. But think about spending some of the next few years tending your own garden–you can do it while still being with him and living with him, but don’t put all your eggs in his basket.

      1. Oilpress*

        I love this advice. A 20 year old planning a wedding four years out really does feel like putting all their eggs in one basket.

        Be 20. Live for the now. It’s a great age, and you are missing out if your main focus at 20 is planning for a wedding in four years. If you guys are still together at 23 and want to get married then you crank up the planning.

        1. JaneE*

          Yes indeed. Planning for a wedding that’s four years away – what more when you’re 20 – is to not live in the moment and enjoy what life offers you now. Life is fleeting; what you have today may not be there tomorrow. You don’t want to look back on the life you lived with regrets. My mum married at 16. Me? Call me a commitment phobe, but I have little interest in marriage, and even less in having kids.

        2. Traveling Teacher*

          Yes, this. For right now, I think it’s such a great idea to plan the marriage: do you have the same spending/saving habits and priorities? Probably not. How are you going to raise your kids, and what’s important to you when they do come along? When do you want to have them? Where do you want to live? Figure out what makes you both laugh, and what makes you both cry. Are you able to fully be yourself with your “other half”, or are you hiding parts of yourself? And why?

          I’d never say don’t get married young (I got married at 25), but before you start choosing colors and putting down deposits, wait a couple more years. I think that’s the beauty of an engagement, saying: I think I want to be with you forever, so let’s use this committed time to see if those feelings change or stay the same. If, a couple of years down the line (since you’re four years out), you both still want to say, “I do,” then start planning the wedding. And best wishes, whatever is down the line!

          1. Language Student*

            Planning the marriage is definitely our priority. We’re not getting married for a wedding, we’re getting married for each other! We’re on the same page in terms of values (including financial values) – not so much habits, but we’ve developed ways of counteracting our bad habits and playing up our strengths together. We don’t want kids, and they won’t happen accidentally (we’re both cis women), but we know that might change so we’ve talked about our values there as well, plus things like if we want to buy property together. We’re comfortable with each other – we were best friends before we got together, and being ourselves has never been an issue during our relationship. As we learn more about ourselves, we talk about it.

            Yeah, most our engagement is going to be working on our relationship and saving. The benefit of a four-year engagement is we can save everything we need and then some without sacrificing what we want in a wedding (and without spending everything we have on one day) – as much as I’d love an engagement of a year or two, we want to pay for everything ourselves and something has to give! We figure that if we plan to get married and spend our lives together, we can wait a couple more years before the wedding. We hope to be together either way, after all! And thank you!

        3. Language Student*

          I should note that most of the planning now is talking about the future, working on ourselves and our relationship, and saving. We have a budget, accounted for inflation and in four years’ time we’ll have saved double what we need assuming our income stays the same (we’re paying for everything ourselves and don’t want to spend all our savings on one day). We have an idea of when we’ll start finding vendors and putting deposits down, but we aren’t tying anything down four years in advance. For all we know, the vendors available now will be out of business or have tanked their reputation in that time. Starting to plan and save now means we can afford the wedding we want with plenty to spare so we don’t have to stress if we go over budget or spend everything we have on the wedding. If we end up not getting married, well, we’ll still have a decent amount more than we would’ve.

          I just don’t see being engaged as missing out, or not living for now. I have the life I want already! I’m happy, I’m comfortable alone and with my partner, I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings, I have my own friends and “shared” friends with my partner who I see regularly. I’m doing well at Uni, I have a job I love and we’re financially stable enough to pay all our bills, save and have some spending cash. Sure, I don’t go clubbing or have casual sex, but I don’t want to. My life is great as it is! Planning our wedding isn’t eclipsing the rest of my life, it’s highlighting the parts that are most important.

      2. Future Analyst*

        Just want to note that it’s not too late! You can go on a solo vacation any time of your life, it’s not just for the youths. :) After my husband and I had kids, I started going on solo vacations once a year (usually around my birthday). It’s a chance to do only things I want to do, and rediscover what I like and don’t like. Highly recommend!

    17. Anon.*

      Met at 18/22 married at 21/25, been together for 12 years despite extensive doom and gloom predictions. 12 years is a long time to be with someone, and the only way it’s worked for us is for each of us to maintain separate interests/space so that we can grow as people at the same time we grow as a couple.

    18. Lis*

      I married the person I had been dating since high school when I was 22, our sixth anniversary will be in June. I am an incredible unromantic person, so bearing that in mind:
      1. I used “if”as oppose to “when” language up until we sent out save the dates (if we get married, should we…?) This leaves you with two advantages: if at any point in the next few years you have doubts, you don’t have the pressure of some kind of big promise influencing you to stay, and-when you ARE in the actual wedding countdown, you know you made this decision based on years of little decisions, not one promise made 4 years ago. (This worked well for me. Other people will not need to play this headgame with themselves.)
      2. We have always had separate credit cards and I have given this advice to everyone who has ever asked about marriage. Our finances are relatively pooled (we have bizarre work lives so some of our long-term savings are separate as well) but I can record things in the budget as “gift” or “hobby” or just “credit card purchase” and we never have the stupid conversations we have watched both sets of our parents have about “what is this weird website on the credit card, why were you shopping there, but what is this FOR?” Again YMMV.

    19. Falling Diphthong*

      Married at 22, will be 28 years this summer. Reason for young marriage: met at 18, graduation was the “Am I making life plans with the other person’s needs in mind, maybe trumping my own? or not?” fork in the road.

      I have a statistic! From the CDC. Which is that the age at which growing older before marrying stops making a difference is… 20. Yup. Those who were 18 or 19 have a higher divorce rate (I think in line with those who have divorced once)–and those too young to sign any other binding legal document a still higher one–but on average people who marry for the first time at 20 have the same odds of it lasting as those who marry at 22, or 32, or 42. And as with any statistical argument–you don’t marry a statistical average. Who you two are matters more than anything else.

      Marriage advice–I think the observation that things ebb and flow, and that is normal. Rarely is it 50-50, and that’s okay. Marriage is a vow to keep going even when things are tough–the in sickness, for poorer, for worse side of the vows. Occasionally those times will stomp through (for most of us), and being committed to each other and to the marriage gives you a rock to stand on.

      1. Deeply anonymous*

        Yeah, I was closer to 42 when I married. 10 years later, it’s not working out. Age isn’t a guarantee of anything.

    20. Loopy*

      I was engaged at 22 and it wasn’t age that was the issue- it was really the fact that we had a major life transition that our relationship didn’t survive- and not because we didn’t love each other. We had a very functional, healthy relationship. So, I was in college and suddenly when I was out of school, I kind of abruptly realized I wanted to move far away and live away from our hometown and I wanted to travel at every opportunity and he was a homebody who wanted to live close to his parents.

      It was that when faced with this huge decision, we wanted to go in opposite directions. He actually was willing to sacrifice his wants for mine but here’s what was important to me: he would have done it and not been excited about it. All my excitement and happiness would have been one sided- even though he was 100% willing to follow me. This would have been fine for some, but it wasn’t for me.

      Keep in mind how you feel about that when you two are faced with major life decisions. If one is willing to concede to the other…how does that make the other feel? I wanted someone excited, not just willing. YMMV.

    21. Buzzkill*

      I hate to be a buzzkill and don’t mean to rain on your happiness…

      We met in high school, married at 23 after 8 years together. We went to premarriage counseling and were financially independent and had lived together.

      At 30 we were divorced. Both of us had changed so much in that time we were different people. We went bankrupt before the divorce. We both had affairs. The true love we thought we had was naive on our part. Neither of us had been with anyone else in our lives or had any actual relationship experience.

      Looking back we should have seen the signs. People tried to talk us out of it and we didn’t listen. We changed as people during our (3 year) engagement. We never should have gotten married.

      3 kids and a acrimonious divorce later. We hate each other. There were affairs and bankruptcy. We don’t talk unless it is related to our kids. All of our friend group who married young are in the same boat.

      I would strongly advise against it. You are young. You have time. You both have so much growing up to do. There’s lots of time to get married. I’m not saying you need to break up but you don’t need to be married to be together or be happy.

      I regret getting married young. I missed out on so much. I know my ex does and so do our friend group who were in the same boat. I love my sons but getting married young was a mistake. I am still recovering financially from the divorce, legal fees and bankruptcy. I am cynical and worry about how my sons will be affected by this. I have no time to date. We share custody 50/50 because neither of us can afford child support. My time without them I am working all the hours I can. I live in a small shoebox apartment. Money is tight. My ex is no better off and neither is anyone I know who married young like us.

      I would strongly urge you to wait. If it is right and you are meant for each other waiting won’t hurt. But getting legally entangled so young is a recipe for disaster.

      Sorry to be a buzzkill.

    22. Martine*

      Met at 14. Engaged at 19. Married at 24. Lived together for 6.5 years before marriage. Did pre-marital counseling. Were on own financially and independent. Thought we had the same goals.

      It was a disater. We were too young. Our engagement was too long and we changed too much. We had romanticized the whole idea and had no idea what we were doing. The long and the short of it is that we were far too young. We are divorced and not on speaking terms except for our children. Having kids made the situation worse.

      We were much too young, too dumb and changed as people too much.

    23. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      I got married at 24, and I think it’s young-ish but not super young. Like, at that point, you are definitely an adult. (I think maybe people getting married on the younger end of things like this might want to be careful about taking a little longer before they commit to marriage, as in maybe not get married after a year of dating because you just don’t have the same experience, but you seem to have that covered.) I mean, I also only have 3 years of experience being married, but I think it’s been pretty good so far (so obviously this comes with that caveat that I don’t actually have all that long of an experience being married).

      My recommendations are to take a break before you start seriously planning your wedding, but go on ahead with planning the marriage. I think it’s good that you will have been financially independent for a while before getting married–I think sometimes a lot of the problems with early marriages are when you haven’t had time being an adult and have to learn it on your own. I know that I changed a lot between when I graduated college (22) and got married (24). Also, be aware that your plans and priorities will change and that’s fine.

      I just recommend very many conversations and also potentially one or two times before marriage where you sit down and make sure that you are getting married because you want to and not just because it is the next thing to do. (I did this and came to the conclusion that I was getting married because I wanted to, and that just helps build a better foundation).

      Also A Practical Wedding is an awesome website with lots of stuff about planning the marriage/married life and I highly recommend it.

    24. Book Badger*

      Different perspective: I’m 24, he’s 25. We’ve been dating for 7.5 years. We’re not going to get married for at least another couple of years, mostly because we’ve been long distance due to college/law school for most of that time and we want to live together before getting married.

      I am a very different person now than I was when I was 20; for one thing, I’m almost finished with my law degree, which was just a vague idea when I was 20. When he was 20, he was just starting to realize that he’d signed up for a major in a subject he didn’t like. We were both diagnosed with depression between now and then. I’ve put on fifteen pounds. He’s started losing his hair. A lot can change in only four years.

      Relationships evolve because the people in them evolve. Understand that there’s a possibility that you’ll both grow apart. That’s not bad, that’s not a failure, that’s just something that happens sometimes. I don’t think my boyfriend and I are doing anything special, we’ve just had the good luck to evolve in ways that permit us to stay together.

    25. Falling Diphthong*

      Re time on your own: If you’re planning out an abstract life, you say “I will do this for these years, this for these other years, and then at 29 find a person to marry.” But life doesn’t always follow neat plans. A lot of people get married, not because it’s time according to the plan, but because they met someone they didn’t want to lose. Same with jobs, and other life choices–most of us are not exactly what we pictured at age 7, or 17, or even 37, and that’s not a tragedy–it’s life throwing in curves you didn’t perfectly foresee back then. Most high school romances end, but some lead to long marriages. Same with college romances. And post-college romances. And second weddings in your 70s, to cite an aunt and uncle now in their 90s.

      There’s an advice letter trope that goes “I love this person, but I want to be single and explore, too–can I shrink wrap them, set them on a shelf, and then in five years if I still think they are a great option they will be right there, frozen in time, waiting for me?” These people should not get married. But sometimes the right person does not wait around until the date you had circled for “life mate shows up.” Sometimes they’re there earlier, and you adjust your plans to include them.

    26. Oxford Coma*

      I’m in my 40s, and have been with my husband since I was 14. We stayed together through everyone telling us that high school romances don’t last, we stayed together through everyone telling us that us that long-distance college relationships don’t last, and we stayed together through everyone telling us that young marriages don’t last. At least it was good practice for more than two decades of people telling me I’d change my mind and suddenly want babies.

      Put it this way. Any time I go to a wedding shower and am asked to play that game where you fill out a slip of paper with marriage advice, I write something like this: Don’t take marriage advice from a bunch of random idiots. Nobody here knows you as well as you know yourself or your fiance. Own your flaws and baggage without taking on anyone else’s, by way of their wish-fulfillment “advice”.

      1. soon 2 be former fed*

        “Random idiots” is a bit harsh. Most people are well meaning, not idiotic. I know someone who was married at 16 and just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary. It happens. I know others who married at 19 and it lasted 23 years, and everything in between. I married for the first time at 50, and was divorced seven years later. So, nothing is guaranteed. It sounds like you and your husband were unusually mature, self-aware, and emotionally stable, and your long union is to be congratulated. But, sadly, the stars don’t align like that for most people , and advice can be useful. Take what resonates and leave the rest, that’s what I say.

        I’m in a wonderful relationship for four years now, and think about if I want to get legally married again. We are both in our sixties, and are married and committed in our hearts, which is where true marriage takes place. Legality does not impart commitment, and many of the rights and privileges afforded legally married couples can be obtained by other means. Whether young, old, or in between, it’s critical to know yourself and be true to yourself. Don’t get legally married because it is social convention. The commitment of both people is indeed the glue that holds thing together during trying times, whether legally married or not. It’s a cliche, but love is not enough.

      2. soon 2 be former fed*

        “Random idiots” is a bit harsh. Most people are well meaning. Take what resonates and is leave the rest, that’s my idiotic advice.

    27. Gilmore67*

      I agree some of the other advise to wait a while. You are still young and yeah will change a lot from 24 to even 30. But a lot of marriages that young are great so who knows !

      Please make sure you are not getting married to run away from something, run to something that seems secure and/or better then options you have now. ( I am just saying this as a general statement not assuming you are). I’ve known many people get married because it is better than ” this”…… or they are not wanting to be alone and so on. So really just know well your reasons to do this.

      Also, accept now, who each other is. Do not, I repeat do not just expect a person to change just because you don’t like whatever they do or don’t do. If they are not as neat as you are, or they leave the cap off the toothpaste
      or whatever it might be, either figure it out now, deal with it or don’t get married.

      Habits don’t just change after marriage. I am not saying not to talk about stuff and work it out, I am just saying don’t try to change a spouse to fit your needs or if you just don’t like it. Of course marriage is compromise and talking. But also accepting them for who they naturally are is just as important.

      If they eat crackers in bed, like to watch TV in bed, wake up to loud music, or whatever and it bothers now you need work it out now. There will be plenty of stuff that will come up in your marriage that will need discussion and compromise, don’t start the marriage out already stuff that bothers you. It is not about right or wrong. It is just about talking about it.

      My hubby takes longer to get ready in the morning. Lets say we are going on a trip. I have learned by the time he gets up ” gets his marbles together” as he puts it, showers, dresses, packs the car, stops for a pop break, checks his phone,, stops for a pop break, I can sleep an hour more, dress, put on a little make-up eat a snack and STILL be ready before him sitting in the car. My dealing with Sir Mister Pokey Joe… was not making him faster and getting mad because I want to get going…., but me just getting more sleep !!

      Good luck !!

      1. Lindsay J*

        Also, accept now, who each other is. Do not, I repeat do not just expect a person to change just because you don’t like whatever they do or don’t do. If they are not as neat as you are, or they leave the cap off the toothpaste
        or whatever it might be, either figure it out now, deal with it or don’t get married.

        Habits don’t just change after marriage. I am not saying not to talk about stuff and work it out, I am just saying don’t try to change a spouse to fit your needs or if you just don’t like it. Of course marriage is compromise and talking. But also accepting them for who they naturally are is just as important.
        —

        I know I’m several days too late, but I agree with all of this 100%.

        Believing in change is something that caused me to stay in a relationship way too long – he kept on telling me he was going to change, and I believed him.

        What finally got me out was imagining sitting there 5 years, 10 years, 50 years in the future and having the same damn argument. And that’s when I realized I just couldn’t do it anymore, and needed to leave, so I did.

        It’s not that people can never change. I’ve become like 1000000 times less messy since getting with my current boyfriend. My spending habits and credit score have improved drastically. My mom went from not liking exercise so much that she wasn’t willing to join my dad and I on mile runs when I was in middle school track to doing triathlons at 55.

        But when they say they’re going to change at some random point in the future, I don’t believe them. Either you’re attempting it and making sustained progress towards it, or I’m assuming it’s not going to happen. And when you’re just expecting that someone else is going to change without ever clearly expressing to them that you want or need them to, you’re just setting yourself up for heartache.

    28. Elkay*

      I got married at 25 to the person I met at university. We’d been together five years when we got married having lived together for a year before the wedding. We’ve been married nine years this year.

      I am very aware of the fact that we were young when we met and therefore we grew into adults together. Our outlooks are very similar because the decisions we’ve made about our adult lives were made together, we didn’t have to try and merge two fully formed adults. I am aware this could go the other way because you might not grow together, I don’t think we did anything special to make that happen. I’m not going to lie and say it’s all been plain sailing, we’ve had blazing rows and three months after we got married one incident made me think I’d made a huge mistake, we still had a lot of growing to do as people. We both learned to read the other one which means we can push at that half truth the other is telling for the easy life. I can hand on heart say though he is my best friend and I enjoy spending time with him more than anyone else.

      My litmus test was when I realised if someone said to me “You just need to go over there and sign some forms and you’ll be married” I would have done it. The wedding was a great day but if someone told me I couldn’t have a wedding but I could have a marriage I would have been fine with that.

    29. Lisa H*

      I got married the first time at 20 and divorced at 25. Married the second time at 27 and still married after 20 some years. Maturity is the issue not age. However, we mature with age. Strongly suggest premarital counseling to strengthen your communication skills. The 2 of you will be different people in 10 years so it is key that you can navigate these changes together and not grow apart.

    30. AnonEMoose*

      I’m not sure there’s a “right age” to get married. I’m now in my late 40s; I met my DH when I was 26 and he was 39, and we’ll celebrate our 20th anniversary this year. It hasn’t always been easy, but we tend to agree on what we consider to be the important things: Bills come first, and we talk to each other before major purchases. We knew from the beginning that we didn’t want kids. We have very overlapping interests and stuff we do together, and we try to be supportive of each others’ separate interests. He gets along with my friends, I get along with his. And I can tell him “I need introvert time,” and he will work with me to make sure I have it.

      But one thing I have learned in life, and in my view, the sooner you can internalize it, the better off you will be: No matter what you do, someone will be right there to tell you that you are doing it wrong.

      Anything from the age you get married, to your job, to having kids (or not), and how many if so, pets, budgeting, hobbies… people will judge you on all of it. So, try to keep a grasp on what is right for you. And by that, I mean you as an individual and you and your partner as a couple. Be kind to yourselves and to each other (which does not mean that you shouldn’t bring up issues – you should, but how you do it matters).

      I should add that most people probably do mean well, but some are definitely going to be pushing their own agenda for their own reasons. Give their input the level of consideration you think it deserves, and make your own decisions (again, as individuals and as a couple). However you decide to move forward, I wish you and your partner the very best!

    31. Diamond*

      If you’ve been dating and living together for such a long period of time I don’t think you necessarily need advice specifically due to being young. Just try not to sweat the small stuff, don’t keep score and appreciate the little things you each do! I got married at 25 to someone I’d been with since I was 18, really my first proper boyfriend.

      I do find 4 years an almost ridiculously long engagement, to the point you don’t need to be planning at all yet. Mine was 1 year and 2 months, and if I did it over again I’d make it shorter. Why so long? Why not wait a few more years for the engagement?

      1. Language Student*

        It’s definitely a long engagement, and a big part of that is wanting to pay for everything ourselves. We know what we want in a wedding and looking at market prices in our area (and adjusting for inflation), it’d take 2 years to save enough by saving 33% of our joint income. We’ve decided we’d rather have a longer engagement and save twice that so we don’t need to worry that we don’t quite have enough for deposits yet, or if something goes wrong (venue burns down, for example) and insurance won’t cover as much as we need we have plenty to cover everything and will still have a decent chunk of savings post-wedding. Our view is that we’re setting ourselves up for marriage as much as planning a wedding, so we want to have some savings left when we get married. We won’t actually start getting details pinned down for a couple of years, but we can still prepare for marriage now, so why wait to get engaged?

  2. The curator*

    So I am recovered from the trip to Japan. I am spending today in service to my marriage and tomorrow curled up on the porch with a galley of a he new Kate Di Camilla.
    Spring has finally sprung!!!!!

    1. Kuododi*

      I have no idea who Kate di Camilla is however your post-Japan recovery plans still sound divine!!!! BTW I’m all kinds of jealous you were able to travel to Japan. That country is on the top of my bucket list!!!! I was only able to take one semester of Japanese during undergraduate. That gave me an introduction to one of the three alphabet systems. I keep looking for an adult Ed class in Japanese but so far no luck. Blessings!!!

      1. The curator*

        Spell check- Kate Di Camillo is a writer of children’s fiction. She is one of our greatest writers as well as having served as the Ambassador for Children’s Literature.

        The trip was amazing and I felt I made good use of my time there.

        Today has become more about cleaning and laundry. But I am grateful to be awake to do that.

  3. Lujessmin*

    I was supposed to walk in my first 5K of the year today, but those damn shingles really did a number on my stamina. Hopefully, I’ll be better in time for my next one at the end of May.

    1. misspiggy*

      So sorry – but you definitely did the right thing listening to your body. It’s eight years since I set myself the goal of being able to walk 10 miles, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve got anywhere near a quarter of that. But progress since then has been exponential.

    2. Pam*

      At one point, before my health fell apart, I did a 5k a month. It was fun, and the goal kept me working out

  4. matcha123*

    Does anyone have simple recipes for a person (me) without an oven, toaster, or microwave?
    I have two pots, one is like a dutch oven? and a frying pan. I don’t have much space in my apartment, thus the lack of microwave. And Japan doesn’t really do ovens like the US does…

    1. Combinatorialist*

      When I was in a similar situation, I used to eat a lot of fried rice. Basically, you take leftover rice, any vegetables and leftover meat you have and stick them in your frying pan. There are recipes online that will give you a sense of what order things should go in but it is really easy when you just have a stove. You can also make as much or as little as you want.

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks! I should have written what I typically make, which includes fried rice :p
        – fried rice
        – sliced pork and kimchi
        – sliced pork (by itself)
        – bibimbap
        – fried eggs/english muffins
        – scrambled eggs
        – Japanese curry rice
        – small slices of chicken breast cooked in the frying pan

        I will probably start making hamburger patties at some point.
        I am interested in soups or maybe deserts? or even any thing I haven’t thought up yet!

        1. Max*

          For frypan desserts, nothing beats fluffy pancakes!
          If you’re not a fan of pancakes and all of their glorious toppings, you could try making a deconstructed apricot crumble?
          Caramelise the fruit in the pan with sugar, butter and brandy (if you’re that way inclined), set the mix aside and toss some oats / broken biscuits / bread crumbs / walnuts with brown sugar, cinnamon and butter in the same pan and then assemble in a mini mason jar. Yum!

        2. MysteryFan*

          Soups are great! Also, I second googling “skillet meals”. You’ll get a lot with pasta, but there are some that lean more on just the meat and veg. Also, I like to make sauteed greens.. any kind with a little onion and some hot sauceish stuff at the end. Also, If you’re from the south, and miss cornbread.. you can make it like pancakes, and it’s just as yummy.. and stores in the fridge in a ziploc bag!

          1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

            Sausages are great for this! I love using some Aidells and frying up with some fresh kale, sliced onion and bell pepper, spinach, potatoes… whatever veggies you happen to have on hand, along with some sofrito or recaito (might be tough to get those in Japan? maybe?) and serving either as-is or over rice.

        3. Yvette*

          Chili, you can use chicken, beef, turkey, or vegetables only. Chicken cacciatore, panini style sandwiches using a skillet and a heavy pot instead of a press. Pasta, you can make a simple sauce/topping with chopped fresh tomatoes, olive oil, olives, and fresh basil. Please forgive my ignorance as to what may or may not be readily available.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Soups would be good in this situation, I think. Or one-pot pasta meals? The budget bytes and damn delicious recipe sites have some good options.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Enjoy! I love budget bytes, I use it probably once a week. She got me using sriracha and now I love it :)

    3. Etg*

      We do almost all our cooking on the stove, even with a full kitchen. (Though when I only had a stove, I do remember learning I could make toast in a frying pan!) There’s a lot you can do: pasta, soups, braised meats, steaks or fish fillets (not too thick so they cook through, or you can use a lid to cook more evenly). There’s a lot of recipes for “one skillet meals” online. You can defrost things either in salted water (look up “brining meat”) or in a baggie in water. Anything particular you’ve wanted to make but didn’t know how?

      1. matcha123*

        One problem I’m having is that even when I was living in the US, for budget reasons, I basically ate the same few meals for a couple of years (fried rice, curry rice, baked chicken, Jiffy muffins/pancakes), so I don’t really have an idea of what I could make. When I flip through cookbooks, they often have recipes with a bunch of ingredients. And they call for an oven or other cooking tools that I just don’t have.

        1. matcha123*

          I actually have not! I have found a few books in my area, but the recipes don’t seem that appealing or easy to make. I’ll also check out good ‘ole Google :)

    4. Someone*

      How don’t see how that would be so limiting… make some rice/noodles/potatoes in one pot, and some vegetables and/or meat with sauce in the pan. E.g. fry mushroom and onions, then add (sour) cream and spices, plus rice made in the pot. Or noodles in the pot, and some meat with tomato sauce in the pan. You can also put a sieve into the pot so you can cook some vegetables in the steam while cooking something else in the water.

    5. Natalie*

      Noodle dishes seem like they would work – you can cook the noodles in the pot and cook protein and vegetables in the frying pan.

    6. dr_silverware*

      I love the Serious Eats recipe for pasta e fagioli. The basics are, you’ve got your soup pot. First you fry the hell out of some pancetta or other really flavorful meat like bacon (this is optional though). Then take that out and cook your spices and aromatics (onion, garlic, oregano, red pepper flakes) together in butter–pretty gently, just sweating the onions until soft. Then you dump in a big can of whole tomatoes (broken open with your fingers so they don’t burst when cooking) with their juice, a couple small cans of kidney beans, and some chicken broth. You bring that to a boil and simmer it for maybe 20 minutes until the flavors have come together, and then dump in some pasta shells and continue cooking for 10 minutes or however long it says to cook the pasta shells on the box. Then season with salt & pepper & parsley and maybe put a bit of extra olive oil in there to finish it.

      This particular recipe makes a lot, but it can be frozen really well, and can be scaled down if you’re using smaller cans of ingredients. I like to leave out the chicken broth and cook the pasta shells separately and treat it more like a sauce. When I do that I put in some of the pasta water at the end to loosen it up and give it some extra starch.

    7. Blue_eyes*

      There’s a cookbook called “Will It Skillet?” that is all recipes you can make in a skillet. Not sure if you can get it in Japan, but there are some recipes from it on various cooking blogs promoting the book, so worth googling.

      Soups are a great idea as they are usually made in just one pot. Stews or braised meats would also be good in your Dutch oven. Curries too. And I second the recommendation for the website Budget Bytes. She has great recipes without too many ingredients and she will note when something can be left out if it’s too expensive/hard to get for you. She does a lot of one pot meals and is good about balancing taste, health, and price.

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks! The recipes on that site look pretty good.
        Ingredients that are cheap and easy to find in the US can be expensive or non-existent here, which adds a bit to my problems. But it looks like a lot of the same spices are used, so that gives me a great place to start.

    8. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Quesadillas are great for one person/one skillet meals! Heat a little oil. Throw down a flour tortilla, whatever cheese you like, and anything you have on hand to be the filling. Let it get melty on the inside and crispy on the outside. Fold in half, and serve with salsa, avocado or guacamole, sour cream, or whatever you like.

      You can smear a layer of refried beans on one half if you have them, and virtually anything can be used as filling so you don’t get tired of the same stuff. Black beans and spinach with pepper jack. Ham and mushrooms with cheddar and a drizzle of barbecue sauce. Leftover roasted sweet peppers and eggplant with feta and halloumi, dipped in hummus. White beans and tuna with shredded jack and a little parmesan, dipped in marinara. There are endless possibilities!

    9. LilySparrow*

      The Dutch oven is great for soup. I don’t really use recipes for soup, just a kind of formula.

      Saute your aromatics (onions, garlic, carrots, celery or whatever) in a little fat until they smell good. Dry seasonings go in with them. If you’re using meat, cook it with them too.
      Deglaze the pan with wine or broth and get all the flavor/caramelization scraped up. Add your juicy or bulk veggies (tomato, greens, squash, beans, potato, whatever) and the rest of the liquid. Fresh herbs would go in now.
      Put the lid on and simmer until it’s soup (at least a half hour, more is usually better). Anything that would dissolve, like rice or pasta, should go in just long enough to get cooked.

      For a creamy soup, sprinkle flour in with the fat & aromatics to make a roux. Puree with a stick blender after simmering and finish with milk or cream, 5 -10 mins before you serve, and turn the heat off.

      I usually just make soup out of the bits & Bob’s in the fridge before grocery day.

    10. LemonLyman*

      I’m not sure if you can get popcorn kernels at where you are, but I’m case you can (or buying them online isn’t an arm and a leg), stovetop kettle corn can be a nice and simple dessert. It satisfies a sweet tooth but isn’t heavy. Google: How to make kettle corn at home. I’ve used the recipe from thekitchn dot com. You can also make regular stovetop popcorn (non sweet).

      Do you have the ingredients for mac and cheese where you are? I’m a fan of comfort food with real, clean ingredients and cookieandkate dot com has a real ingredient stovetop version of the old school blue box mac and cheese. A nice thing to eat if you want some American comfort food!

      1. matcha123*

        Oh my god, I haven’t had kettle corn in ages! That sounds so good!
        I used to make mac & cheese in my rice cooker. I didn’t even think to use it in the pot!

    12. Chris S*

      Misha Fletcher just did a “cookbook” called ‘Cooking is Terrible’ that’s all about simple dishes that are low-energy to make. I find it delightful, and it’s 90 pages of ideas and recipes! You can find it on Amazon for $5 or Gumroad for name-your-price.

    13. Nesprin*

      Master the omlette/okonomiyaki. Eggs + whatever veg/meat you have in the fridge fried in a pan with or without okonomiyaki mix.

    14. Kuododi*

      When I was a kid, I remember Mom would make Beef Stroganoff in her Dutch oven. For the life of me however, I have no idea where the family recipe has disappeared. I am sure you would be able to find a good one on Google. Have fun!!!

    15. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      You can make some skillet cornbread! That’s probably something you can make all kinds of variants on with 5 ingredients or so.

      I eat a lot of packaged, ready-to-eat Indian food I buy off Amazon (Kitchens of India is a good brand). You can eat it straight out the bag, or heat it up in the frying pan or pour it over heated rice. Super convenient!

    16. Falling Diphthong*

      Potstickers:

      1 lb ground meat (I use chicken)
      1 bunch chopped green onions
      chopped ginger
      soy and fish sauce
      Combine these and put them inside wonton wrappers. Seal.

      Heat oil (peanut is traditional) in that frying pan. Cook the wontons (single layer panful at a time) until they brown on the bottom, then pour in a good slug of stock, cover, and let them boil and steam. (I turn them over at this point, but not essential.) Uncover, cook down into sauce, transfer to plate.

      Dipping sauce: soy sauce, sesame oil, lime, a few scallion bits, whatever heat you like

    17. Pam*

      Last night, I made a pot of quinoa, stirred in leftover veggies, and ate that. Today, Inreheated it, and threw in a couple of eggs.

    18. DrWombat*

      I have a zucchini rice recipe that works as long as you have a small food processor or a box grater:

      2-3 medium zucchini, shredded in a food processor (easier to do this if you dice them first)
      ~1-1.5 lb ground sausage
      cooked rice (at least 2 cups, cooked)
      cherry tomatoes
      minced garlic and spices of choice
      cooking oil of choice

      Brown sausage in high-sided skillet/dutch oven on stove with spices of choice and a bit of cooking oil if lean sausage
      Once sausage is browned, add zucchini and sautee until translucent and the zucchini starts to get sticky. Add more spices at this stage, or the final product will taste bland
      Then add enough cooked rice, stirring so that the zucchini binds everything together. Get it so the proportions look good to you.
      Let the mixture cook down a bit until less watery and everything starts to bind together more, on med/medium high heat
      If adding cherry tomatoes, place in pan, turn pan up to medium high, and cover pan. Let the tomatoes blister a bit. Serve. Doubles well if the pan is big enough, good to make ahead and eat all week. Fresh basil is good in this too.

    19. AcademiaNut*

      Simple pasta sauce: In frying pan sautee some combination of onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots, garlic. Add diced chicken, or ground meat if you want, and brown slightly. Add a can of diced tomatoes, or pureed tomatoes, or chopped fresh tomatoes and fresh or dried herbs. Simmer for a while. Serve over pasta.

      Stew: Sautee chunks of onion, mushroom, carrot, celery, etc. Add cut up meat and brown. Add a bit of water or broth (stock cubes are okay) and a bay leaf. Cover and simmer until the meat is tender – part way through, you can add diced potatoes and/or green beans or corn. When the meat and potatoes are cooked through, thicken with a bit of flour and water, and a dash of tonkatsu sauce if you need a bit more flavour

      You can use this base (before adding flour) to add Japanese curry or cream stew cubes. Serve with rice if you want, and a side salad.

      Pot Roast: Take a chunk of meat – pork shoulder is good – and trim the fat. Brown in the dutch oven in a bit of oil or lard. Add some liquid (wine is good, it doesn’t need to cover the meat), cover, and simmer on low heat for a couple of hours, adding more liquid if needed and occasionally turning the meat. Serve with bread, and a vegetable side.

      Thai Curry: Buy a package of Thai curry paste (green is good) in the international section, and a can of coconut milk. Sautee the paste in a bit of oil, add the coconut milk and blend. Add cut up chicken, eggplant and onion (or other vegetables of your choice), simmer until tender. Add a squeeze of lime juice at the end, and if you want, some fresh basil and a dash of fish sauce. Serve over rice.

    20. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      if you can get hold of James Barber’s ‘Fear of Frying’ it’s all stuff to do in the frying pan :) he’s a got a couple more books like that – one pot stuff with minimal ingredients and space requirements (at least one of the books was from when he was living on a boat, so really minmal space :) )

    21. Hannah*

      Here is a favorite of mine, although I’m not sure if Japan has all these ingredients, so YMMV:

      Ingredients:
      Some kind of uncured spicy sausage (such as Chorizo or spicy Italian)
      A large amount of baby kale or other baby cooking greens
      Shallots or onions, chopped
      Red bell pepper, chopped (optional)
      Slightly cooked potato, sliced (I microwave for a few minutes, but you could parboil)
      Eggs
      Butter and/or olive oil
      Salt and pepper

      Saute onions in butter or oil. Add sausage and saute until browned. Add potato and cook until potato is soft. Add bell pepper, cook for a few more minutes. Add as much greens as you can put in the pan. I often put them in, then put in more when those have cooked down a bit.

      Take out of the pan and set aside. Add some more butter to the pan if needed and fry one or two eggs for each person. Serve fried egg on top of the greens mixture.

    22. Susan Sto Helit*

      Melt some butter into a pan, add half a tin of black beans (drained and rinsed), diced chorizo and a couple of slices of jalapeno pepper if you like them. Heat all the way through until the peppers are just beginning to break down. Put in a bowl, top with grated cheese, soured cream and guacamole (I just use the stuff in the squeezy bottles you can get in the supermarket). Ta da – Mexican beans. It takes less than 10 minutes to make, and you can scale up as necessary (adding in taco shells or scooping portions into lettuce leaves if you like) if you have guests.

      It’s my go-to whenever I can’t really be bothered to cook – it’s really quick and easy, and it’s all stuff you can stick in the fridge or cupboard and just have waiting until it’s needed.

  5. Chocolate Teapot*

    Ooh, in quite early for once!

    I went shopping today and for some odd reason, almost every shop was having a sale. Which is very nice, but I am trying to be frugal at the moment to pay for my summer holiday. There was a lot of “Do I really need to buy this?”

    Fortunately, I did get a bargain. It was a stainless steel saucepan with matching steamer insert and lid, all for less than half price, with bonus loyalty points and a free Easter Bunny cookie cutter thrown in.

    1. Fiennes*

      I went NUTS clothes shopping this week. I honestly did need a couple of things, but yeesh. The sales get ya.

    2. Laurin Kelly*

      Thredup had a 20% off sale for Earth Day and I also had a credit for a couple of things that didn’t fit. 90% of my Favorites list suddenly jumped into my cart – ooops!

    2. ainomiaka*

      oooh. This sounds like fun. I’d be super interested to hear what you think of the results.

          1. Nana*

            Looks terrific! You might consider saving your pennies for permanent eyeliner (subtle tattoo). Longer lasting and fabulous.

  7. annakarina1*

    I am feeling down about being single. My last relationship was five years ago, and since then, I focused a lot on grad school and work, and dated only occasionally. I stayed busy with social stuff like bar trivia, kickboxing, seeing friends, and writing about films, but I haven’t had the luck of getting into a romantic relationship with anyone. And I will be 35 this fall, and feel as if my peers have advanced past me with marriage and kids and buying homes. I don’t want marriage or kids or to buy a house, but I also don’t want to feel as if I am far behind everyone.

    I got back into online dating last fall, but I didn’t enjoy it. I went out with a few guys, but wasn’t interested in them, and I wouldn’t get message responses from guys I liked online, so I just felt old and past my twenties prime. I casually chat with guys through my hobbies, and it’s nice and fun, but very fleeting. I also have a longtime FWB, but we’ve never been a couple because we don’t share the same relationship interests. Sometimes it felt like he was the closest thing I had to an intimate boyfriend relationship, but I know he isn’t my boyfriend. I would want to date a guy like him, and reached out to similar guys on online dating, but without luck.

    I hate that I feel inadequate to others, or that I’ve been single for way too long while everyone else is happily coupled up. I want to know that it isn’t too late for me, that I didn’t miss an opening by not having a successful relationship earlier.

    1. Kelly AF*

      I had never had a relationship until I met my now-husband when I was 30. I felt the same as you do now. He and I met by chance on a news discussion website – not somewhere I would have imagined meeting a romantic partner!

      I don’t know if this is helpful or depressing, but I genuinely believe it’s luck and good timing.

      1. annakarina1*

        I agree, it is luck and good timing. I only had my first boyfriend in my late twenties. I dated around, but wasn’t emotionally trusting due to my own shyness, so I would either have guy friends or hookups, and there were a couple of guys who potentially could have been boyfriends, but I wasn’t ready back then. Now I do feel more ready after years of being single, but it is harder being in my mid-thirties and, while I think I am nice-looking, I’m not cute in the way I was in my twenties.

    2. NaoNao*

      I’m not sure if this will help but I was in the *same* spot at 35. I was burned out and fed up with a parade of ONS and FWB and I felt over the hill and invisible online.
      I actually had a friend from work who I developed feelings for as did he, and we agreed to try it.
      Even though I had already known him almost a year, there was a *lot* of deal-breaker stuff I didn’t know or was minimizing and it was the *worst* 14 months of my life. The first 3 months were great—he’s handsome, charming, funny, sexy, super helpful around the house, etc. But he was also very damaged and broken and has a severe drinking problem he made zero effort to control. We got engaged after about 2 months together. I was on cloud nine. I had waited so long (10 years without a long term steady guy!) and finally he was there! That feeling kept me in it for about 10 months too long. I also had the story about everyone surpassing me: getting engaged, married, kids, etc. That’s just a harmful story. What’s right for them is not right for you and you never know what’s going on behind closed doors! Maybe they’re happy, maybe they’re miserable. A guy friend from high school married at 22 and had 3 kids, he’s now on wife 2, with 5 kids, and sleeping around. Another guy friend married at 28-ish, spent 8 of 10 years of his marriage in a long term long distance affair!

      I limped away from that with a completely broken heart. I was shattered.

      3 months after the breakup I met a cool coworker at a new job. Almost the same story: friends for about 9 months, then we agreed to try it. Completely different relationship: stable, loving, caring, supportive, and so on. I feel lucky every day to have met him.

      The difference is that with this second guy, who I’ve been with for just over a year now, is that he wasn’t someone I would have picked for myself. He’s younger than me by 8 years, has no college education (although he’s enrolled now), was working in a technical call center, and was a “young for his age” guy in terms of life experience. (Never been outside our country, hadn’t been to a lot of the interesting or cultural spots in town, a lot of housekeeping optional stuff was new to him, etc). A couple years ago, that would have been a hard pass. I wanted an intense, strong, manly, dominant personality guy to “keep up with me”. I wanted romance, intensity, passion, etc.

      What a dum-dum I was. :)

      I’m not sure if I have a point, other than: be really, really open to who might be a good fit. You do NOT have to compromise on having physical chemistry and attraction. But speaking frankly, I don’t have “tear your pants off” chemistry with my now-guy. We have a spark and an ember of consistent mutual attraction, but it’s steady and low key. Looking for “fire” chemistry at the expense of character was a BIG mistake to me.

      1. annakarina1*

        That’s great that you found a wonderful guy!

        I don’t get turned on by most guys. I wondered if I was a lesbian, but I’m not sexually attracted to women, I just find women prettier than men. I had a minor crush on a guy in my field, but was embarrassed when we were matched up on the same dating site, and when I sent a work email to him later and he didn’t respond, I felt as if he thought I wanted a date. So I got off online dating to keep my work life and personal life separated.

        I would just like to find someone who I find interesting and nice and attractive to me in some way.

        1. NaoNao*

          I recently read an interesting article that talks about how sexual desire is actually rarely present in that “organic” or “out of nowhere” way, and how the media and society sort of pretend that it is!
          So looking for what Captain Awkward calls “pantsfeels” for someone you don’t know or on a first date might not be a reliable indicator of how you will feel once you get to know them and like them.
          If you rarely feel attraction “organically”, my advice would be make friends you feel comfortable with and look forward to spending time with, and see if something develops naturally. If it doesn’t—no loss. If it does, great!
          At the age of 35, most men in your age cohort or younger are likely guilty of not making much effort (grooming, style, fitness) or are all the way over on the “Crossfit/IG model” side, and thus likely not a great/realistic match for most of us mortals. So that’s part of why women are prettier: they’re trying harder.
          If “pretty” is what makes you feel attraction or desire, maybe the “compass” needs to be shifted to men who present in a more gender neutral way or have a feminine energy to them. With social shifts recently, this is more and more common (long hair, traditionally “feminine” colors on a guy, tunics or sarongs as loungewear, jewelry for men, higher grooming standards, and so on) and you might find a guy who falls more on that “pretty” side rather than “ruggedly handsome”.

          1. annakarina1*

            I tend to go more for rocker types, like guys with long hair who have a grungy look to them. I just find it sexy, and saw that I had that in a pattern of guys I’ve been attracted to. There have been exceptions, as my ex-boyfriend didn’t look anything like that and I was into him. But while I do have a type, I try to be open-minded to get to know other kind of guys, as I already did have a relationship with someone who didn’t look “my type,” but we shared similar interest in film, martial arts, and senses of humor.

    3. matcha123*

      Hey! It looks like we’re the same age and also single :)
      I also don’t care about marriage, don’t want kids and owning a home seems like a waste of energy to me. I don’t really feel behind my peers in that area, I helped raise my younger sibling and have spent a LOT of time taking care of young children, infants and teens. All of that is kind of “been there, done that” for me.
      I do feel behind in my career. My friends got a lot of support from their families and were able to seek out lucrative jobs and have progressed. I am happy for them and proud of them, however I feel like a loser. I make less than 40k a year, I have no savings and I just paid off my student loans.
      With dating, I am totally behind. I didn’t date in high school or college. When I broke up with my bf of 6 years, I had to remind myself that it was better to be single than to be with someone who was making me depressed/didn’t want to make an effort to be with me.
      I also recently started online dating. I’ve met some men…all younger…and have had a positive response from two. It’s too early to tell. But, I remind myself of the advice given here to people who are interviewing…I’m interviewing them as much as they are interviewing me. I shouldn’t have to completely hide my personality. I shouldn’t feel stress talking with them. And I should try to enjoy what I can. I am an introvert and getting out of my comfort zone to talk to unknown men is nerve-wracking. I’m also trying to fill my schedule studying, quiet time, exercise, etc. and making time to meet friends.
      We only get to see a small part of our friends’ lives, and most of us try to show the best parts…not the fights with partners, stinky farts, etc. I also don’t think too much about my age. 34 is still quite young! We have at least 30 – 40 more long years of life to live. Let’s enjoy what we can!

    4. Fiennes*

      I’d been more than 15 years without a relationship when, greatly to my surprise, I partnered up in my 40s. I definitely felt left behind in many areas: while I couldn’t have children, I would’ve liked to adopt, though didn’t feel my situation was stable enough to do that as a single mom. I hated being the one long-term alone person with all my married friends. I hated not having friends who could be up for a spontaneous movie or restaurant outing.

      But I didn’t hate my life. I sank my teeth into my career—after always thinking I was a person for whom my job could never be my life. I traveled alone, even to foreign countries. I bought a house and made it nice, a home instead of an interim spot. All this meant I was in a good place when my fella finally turned up. What I’m saying is, don’t wait to live. Also: you never know when the right person will come along. It may be a while! But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

      1. annakarina1*

        Thanks! During my single years, I finished grad school, worked various contract jobs, adopted a cat, visited Paris (my first time overseas), am currently in a good job for over a year, excel at bar trivia games, wrote about films, and worked out a lot with Muay Thai. I have been busy, and I am still pushing myself to be more social and to meet new people, with some hope of meeting someone nice to date.

    5. Midwest Engineer*

      I’ve had the same feelings and recently reading the book “All the Single Ladies” by Rebecca Traister really helped my perspective on things. It’s about single women and how the growing population of single women is changing our society. (It is focused on the US.)

    6. neverjaunty*

      I hear you saying that you feel “behind” when people reach milestones you don’t really want yourself?

      1. Fiennes*

        Even when you, personally, don’t want one of the traditional societal milestones (wedding, kids, home ownership), you are *absolutely* treated differently for not having these things after a certain age. You get talked down to. Did you go on a big trip/take a class/something else fun? Don’t worry, at least one of your parent friends will be there to explain that they would love to do something like that if they didn’t have *more important* things to do. (Extra fun: some of them will keep saying this even when they know you really wanted kids but turned out to be infertile!) My family kept seating the unmarried at the thanksgiving “kids’ table” WELL INTO THEIR THIRTIES, no I am not joking, until finally my aunt led a revolt.

        My point is that you can be 100% down with where you are in life, it if you haven’t checked some of these boxes, someone will take the time to make you feel excluded for not doing so. If you *aren’t* 100% with where you are, that exclusion can be anywhere from irritating to deeply painful.

        (As I’ve gotten older, I see more that the married/parents who do this tend to be the ones who actually resent something about their situation—who feel they gave up too much to have kids, whose marriages are less satisfying, etc. They need those “accomplishments” to be all-important, because otherwise they’d have to face their unhappiness. People in good marriages/happy families don’t need to throw that kind of shade, and are a lot more accepting and objective. But there are always enough unhappy people to go around.

        I may be slightly testy about this because I had a couple of friendships go haywire after I found my partner later in life. Suddenly a few people seemed resentful, or became very condescending about my career in a creative field. I didn’t get why this was happening until one of them had the honesty to say: “I kept myself from feeling jealous about your job by reminding myself you were alone.” Because she owned that and got over it, that friendship survived. But some others appear to have changed forever.)

        1. matcha123*

          I’ve noticed this over the past few years. Why would someone older feel the need to look down on me because I’m not married and don’t have kids? That mindset has never made sense to me.

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          Yes. People can be very cruel about it. I’m fine with being single, but I’m not fine with being excluded or treated differently because I am.

          The worst is at events when they seat single people away from everyone else. If I have friends who are sitting elsewhere, why can’t I sit with them? Why do they get to all be at a couples table and I’m regulated to the singles table? It’s unnecessarily cruel.

          Also the “pity” thrown at you when you don’t have the house/kids/partner. I’m so tired of it. I’m happy with my life, so stop insisting that I must be miserable!

          1. Single Person*

            You are seated with the other singles in the hopes that some of you will pair up…

            1. Grapey*

              Organizers that do that are rude IMO. At my wedding, I sat people together that knew each other. If people were single and ready to mingle, that’s what the open bar and dance floor were for.

            2. all aboard the anon train*

              That’s rude because it implies a single person must be so lonely and desperate that they’re looking to pair up with any other person who is single. And it assumes that the people arranging the seating know what’s best for me. It’s condescending and inappropriate, and is making a noticeable attempt to separate me from people I know and could sit with because I’m “different”.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                Agreed. I hate when people assume that because people are single they will pair up automatically, as if that would magically override any disparate interests or worldviews. I’ve had people try to fix me up that way — “You’re both single! Why not give it a try?” Um, because what you’ve told me about the person contains several deal breakers, and if you knew me at all, you wouldn’t have suggested him in the first place?

                1. all aboard the anon train*

                  Ugh yes. It’s also bad when you’re single and queer because people just assume that one queer person will automatically date any other queer person. “Oh, you’re both queer women who are single, of course you’ll get along!”

                  It’s so annoying.

        3. neverjaunty*

          Sure, but literally none of that was in the comment. “I feel like I’m behind” is very different from “my married friends stopped hanging with me”.

          1. Agent Veronica*

            People tend to feel left behind because they’re *made* to feel that way. Otherwise people just feel lonely.

            1. neverjaunty*

              People are never ‘made to feel’ lonely? And never feel left behind because of their own attitudes and feelings, rather than others being unkind to them? That seems rather a broad brush.

        4. Middle School Teacher*

          I straight-up get what you are saying. I had to stop hanging with a friend because she just seemed so determined to fix me up with someone, or was constantly bringing it up. As a teacher, I travel with students a lot. After an international trip, this girl and I got together for a drink. This was the first five minutes:
          Her: how was your trip?
          Me: fabulous! The kids were great, the weather was perfect. I love Europe.
          Her: did you meet anyone?
          Me: well, no… it was with kids, not sure how that would have worked. You know that. (She’s a teacher too.) But every time I go, it’s harder for me to come back home. I think I want to move back to Europe again soon.
          Her: with a man!
          Me (internally): ok, we’re done.

          Like, she took it personally I was single? We had a couple of single guy friends so I let her work on them. One got married last year so she has a couple to hang out with now, and one I think will be a bachelor for life. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, but I’ll have one on my terms, thanks.

          But there is a reaction from people when they learn you’re single without kids. Like, oh, are you married? And no kids? Ohhhhhh. It’s annoying sometimes.

          1. The Original K.*

            I had to tell a few friends that it really hurt my feelings when they reduced activities I was excited about to places I could meet a man. “I’m really excited, I just signed up for a new cooking class!” “Ooh, maybe you’ll meet a guy there.” “I’m doing my first triathlon in a few months!” “Lots of guys do triathlons!” It would be one thing if I were lamenting being single and saying I wanted to meet a man, but I was just excited about doing a thing I wanted to do. I found it really insulting and said so, which caused a few rifts.

          2. all aboard the anon train*

            Ugh been there. I’ve found the people I know who push this tend to be people who don’t know what to do with themselves if they’re not in relationships.

            1. Middle School Teacher*

              It didn’t help she met her husband in high school. She had literally never been single as an adult. I don’t know how she would have functioned, to be honest.

      2. annakarina1*

        It’s more that I have been single for years and don’t have the milestones of being in a nice long-term relationship, while others have gotten engaged or married, planning kids, buying homes, and just moving onto other stages in their lives as adults. I have my personal milestones of getting my MLS, adopting a cat, and doing well in my job for over a year, but I’ve also lived in the same home for nearly a decade, had one relationship years ago, and can feel behind everyone else who had “graduated” ahead of me. So I don’t want marriage or kids, but I’d like to be in a stable and nice relationship.

        1. Just Jess*

          Adding a late comment here since I feel a connection to the thread. A year and a half ago I started seeing a therapist after a fling got a little messy and did not end the way I wanted it to. It was time to reevaluate a lot of my life trajectory. One of the things the therapist said to me early on as I explored where I was in life (30 and gainfully employed), is that moving out of young adulthood is difficult since there aren’t many guaranteed milestones left to pursue. School was simple; finish the assignment, finish the class, finish the grade level. Then get a job. Then get better jobs until you’re comfortable. Then….????

          A lot of people feel lost because we very fortunately don’t HAVE TO get married and have kids. Being free to find meaningful milestones on our own carries the risk of feeling lost and unfulfilled if we don’t have a strong passion for defining those personal milestones.

          I also want to buy a house very soon. Being single and not having that second income, that roommate to split bills and the cost of a room with, or that partner to bounce ideas off of who is right there with you for every step, are all things that really affect an already emotional and stressful process. But it’s my goal and I know I’ll find a way to achieve it eventually. I have a few advantages as a single person in that I’m looking for a home for me without having to compromise with anyone on neighborhood, housing style, etc. I’m also not trying to start a family so I don’t need a particular type of neighborhood or living situation. So I try to focus on the handful of positives as well.

          1. Anon Chemist*

            I completely understand. I didn’t have my first truly serious relationship until I was 47! I too faced the pressure from certain friends to “find a man”, either at work, or from setups by those friends with totally incompatible men. That feeling of being the third wheel at some social functions wasn’t a pleasant experience, and it took until I was in my late 30’s before I was truly happy as a single woman.
            So, I too agree with the person up-thread who said to live your life now! I bought a house at 33 (a real financial stretch on a single-person salary), struggled through all the decisions associated with that on my own, traveled the world solo and enjoyed it. It was tough the first time, but I thought I’d better just DO IT, no sense “waiting for someone” to make my “real” life start. And then, when I’d settled in to being single all my life, I met a wonderful man online, the last place I thought I would! Here I am several years later, happily married, but I wouldn’t change the past for anything. Having autonomy for the first four decades made me self-confident, successful at my career, and financially comfortable. Having my wonderful husband now is icing on the cake. You never know what is around the corner!

    7. Buttercup*

      I have a great book to recommend for your post: 27 Wrong Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel. It dispels the myths people use to explain why women in their 30s are still single (e.g., too picky, too desperate, too immature). When I was in a similar situation, it helped me feel less alone, more at peace with my single status, and hopeful. I’ve bought several copies for my single girlfriends and recommended it to two therapists for their single clients.

    8. Candy*

      It’s not too late! My husband and I were both 36 when we met & married. We met at a cafe and married six months later. It was just like, “oh! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life. Nice to finally meet you” You really have no idea where you will be and who you will meet a year from now. Just keep on building your life they way you want it and one day you’ll meet the person who fits perfectly into it like a puzzle piece

      1. Just Jess*

        Or you won’t meet that person/those people. And that’s OK too. It doens’t mean stop looking if that’s what someone wants, but there are no guarantees in life. That’s also a great reason to go on and pursue dreams today.

    9. Oilpress*

      Stay in reasonable physical shape, and you will always have plenty of dating options. I know that’s incredibly superficial, but for many people, that’s something they can control. Age, on the other hand, is something time controls.

      There may be fewer singles at your age than when you were 25, but that just means you are more in demand yourself.

      1. annakarina1*

        I definitely feel that. I work out a lot to feel in good shape and to look attractive. I am medium-sized, but I know that I look better at a certain weight. I am told that I am pretty and attractive, but I know that I would have better luck with dating at a better shape for myself.

    10. Mananana*

      It’s not too late for you. Not in the slightest. I married at 25 because I saw all my friends doing it, and I felt like I was being left behind. (Of course, at the time I thought it was love, but there were SO many red flag I ignored that there was no good reason to marry him.)

      At 42, I met my now-husband. In between that time span, I went back to school to finish my interrupted bachelor’s degree, then went on to grad school. After grad school, got a job that I loved in the field I studied for. And went on a LOT of dates from an internet dating site. Some good, some meh, some weird. Took breaks when dating wasn’t fun any more. When I met DH, it was the easiest relationship I’d ever had. No games, no pretense.

      So try to be kind to yourself, and remember that what we see are social-masks (made even worse by social media). Those “happily coupled” friends may envy your singleness.

      1. The Original K.*

        I once remarked to my best friend after a bad date that I was going to be single forever. My friend is married and has two kids, and she said ” … Eh. Marriage isn’t so great. And when you come home at the end of the day, you know what your place is going to look like before you open the door. I may never have that again.” I was like, yeah, that IS pretty great.

  8. Emily*

    How far would you drive for a concert?

    An artist I really like is touring this summer and her closest show is 3 hours away from me. At first I was thinking it sounded like too much work, especially since I’d probably be by myself and don’t particularly like driving, but now I’ve mostly changed my mind – if I drove up earlier, I could spend my day doing fun things in the city. (I’d also probably get a hotel or airbnb so that I don’t have to make the drive back right after).

    I’m not really looking for advice at this point, unless you have Really Strongly Held opinions, but I’d be curious to hear other people’s concert stories/traveling for concert stories.

    (If anyone’s curious, it’s Janelle Monae in Toronto.)

    1. librarianish*

      I didn’t love driving until after some really great road trips. Not for music – I used to play roller derby, and we traveled as much as 8 hrs by car to play. And I once drove 7 hrs for a knitting retreat by myself. I’ve driven 2 hrs for concerts before (into Chicago), and it was always worth it for bands I really liked. I don’t go to many live shows anymore, I find the ambient noise plus the concert noise really anxiety-producing, but I’d still drive probably up to 4 hrs for the right band in the right place.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I’ve driven pretty far for an artist I’ve liked. I don’t think three hours, but maybe more like an 1 hour and a half? Actually, that’s not true! I once drove 8 hours to see an artist I liked. Went from San Francisco to LA, because she never performed outside of the LA area.

      Hope you enjoy the concert!

    3. Etg*

      Great idea! It’s like a nano-vacation. You’ll have a great time.

      A while ago I read about a study that concluded that money doesn’t buy happiness, but people who had lots of life experiences to look back on tended to be happier. I decided that sometimes wild splurging on entertainment or travel is the sensible thing to do. :D

      Hope you have a blast!

    4. nep*

      I’ve made 90-mile, 300-mile, and 600-mile road trips to see a particular artist (whom I also saw once while living overseas — that was just a quick taxi ride, same city).
      Every time, more than worth it. It really is about how much you want to experience the performer live and how much it means to you. For me, also, it depended on the venue; it’s got to be a venue that’s more intimate and where it’s just him and not at a music festival. I can’t think of any other artist for whom I’d do those trips, but for this one, there was never a question.

      1. nep*

        (I should say, for the longer trips I went with family member or friend and they drove. I would have gone alone, though, if no one keen to come along.)

    5. Anna B*

      I don’t drive, but I’ve traveled up to five hours by train (I’m in the UK) for concerts that I really wanted to go to. Three hours, especially if you can get a hotel and stay overnight, seems perfectly normal to me.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I’ve done 3 hours by train a few times. The only thing I regret is not staying over when we went to see Garbage in Glasgow. Do it!

        1. Cristina in England*

          This is a weird coincidence, but I was just wondering last night what it would be like to see Garbage in Glasgow (a train of thought inspired by a YouTube rabbit hole I was in). How was it?

    6. Temperance*

      3 hours is totally reasonable distance. TBH, we regularly drive 2.5 hours from home for shows. Get yourself a hotel and make it a mini vacation.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Ah, this is right up my alley!

      I love in Connecticut. My sister and I drove to Canada twice: once was to see Def Leppard in Sarnia on the lake, and the other was to see Bon Jovi in Toronto. I’ve driven to Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York (upstate and downstate), Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Ohio. Ohio was the longest at about 8.5 hours. I’ve flown to Las Vegas a couple times, also. Almost all of these shows were Def Leppard (yes, they’re my favorite).

      At the end of the month my sister and I are headed to Cleveland, OH, to see Def Leppard and Journey. I’m picking her up in NY (about 4 hours from me), I’ll stay overnight, and then we’ll drive to Cleveland (about 5.5 hours) and see a friend on the way. We plan to spend a couple days, see the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame while we’re there, and head back.

    8. Hellanon*

      Go! I flew to Dublin from L.A. once for a concert, and to London from Venice to see a play…added on a few days in London both times, sure, but the concert was the point.

    9. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I was going to be reasonable, but then you said it was Janelle Monae and now I’m obligated to tell you to steal a car and road trip across Canada if you have to. The police will understand.

      I don’t have any epic stories of concert travel, but…have fun!

    10. Max Kitty*

      We’ve driven 6-8 hours for a concert before. We’ve also flown across the country (more than once) for particular bands. Sometimes we make a weekend out of it, but one time we did just a 24-hour trip and it was loads of fun. One year we planned a road trip home from a family Thanksgiving gathering to hit a concert along the way. So for us, any kind of trip centered around a particular performer is totally logical.

    11. Ugh*

      3 hours if I’m coming home the same night. Anything longer I stay overnight. I don’t have an overall time limit, I regularly base vacations around concerts.

    12. Getting Lit*

      I have road-tripped concerts for years. In my late twenties I was living in Florida and flew to Houston to road trip for a band (Cobra Starship) for their Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio shows. I also drove 4ish hours from near Orlando to near Miami for shows–once I drove to Tampa from Orlando (about an hour and a half) for a tiny secret Fall Out Boy show and it was amazing.

      I highly recommend it! If you have the freedom/can get away/can afford it. It’s fun! I’m probably “too old” to do it now (read: too tired), but I don’t regret any of the times I did go.

      As far as road trips in general go, I’m actually driving with my best friend from Orlando to Seattle in June! She’s moving and we’re going to make a whole week of it.

    13. Stacy*

      I live in Seattle-ish, and have driven to shows in Vancouver BC, Portland, and The Gorge in George, WA multiple times, and it’s generally about 3 hours to each of them. My body feels way too old for shows at the Gorge anymore. There was also the time my brother was driving and we were so near to running out of gas while we were siting in traffic with hundreds of other people out in the middle of nowhere in the pitch black. I may or may not have started contemplating whether disowning a sibling is a thing and also how would we have to do family holidays in the future. That one was a Dave Matthews show, I think. There was also the time my friend thought he lost his ID in Vancouver, BC, and literally as the second car ahead of us started moving forward crossing the border he found it. I feel like both of these stories have a lot to do with why I’m now the ‘get a hotel room and make a mini-vacation out of it’ type.

      Go! Have fun! Let us know how the show is!

      1. Pieforbreakfast*

        In mt experience shows at the the Gorge are less a concert and more an unknown adventure. Beautiful area though.

    14. Mimmy*

      I can’t say I’ve driven as far as the rest who’ve commented thus far, but I’ve had my share of adventures!

      I’m a fan of Kelly Clarkson and used to be very active on a long-running fan site. I’ve seen people who drive/fly all over to see multiple shows in a single tour. My craziest concert adventure is tame by comparison, but about 10 years ago, I’d gone to a show in an unfamiliar city about 1.5 hours away with people I’d only previously interacted with on the fan site. I got to meet many others from the site, many of whom had traveled great distances.

      Another cool trip I took for a concert was our not-even-24-hr trip to Atlantic City (about a 2-2.5 hr drive) to see The Revolution (Prince’s former band from the 1980s) last summer. We drove down Friday afternoon, saw the show, stayed overnight at the hotel, then drove right back home in the morning. All after having had a few adult beverages the previous evening!

      I don’t drive, so if an opportunity ever arose, I’d either go with my husband or make sure that I’d at least be meeting up with people I am full comfortable with. But that’s me–I get easily confused in unfamiliar places, especially if I’m by myself. Your thought of possibly getting overnight accommodations is wise. Also, going up ahead of time for sight-seeing can make the trip feel worthwhile rather than just going to the show and turning right around again, not taking in the new city.

      Enjoy!!

    15. sortaAnon*

      Last year I flew to a remote Bulgarian town from the USA to see my favorite metal artist. So, maybe I’m biased as a traveler but I hope you go!! I LOVE to travel and did what you mention – sightsee and turn it into a vacation. I LOVE planning hotels/itineraries and seeing local sights.

      If there are people you would go with, having people that enjoy the same thing as you can make it even more fun (and you can split up the driving). If money isn’t a problem I find that offering to pay for a ticket/lodging makes people more willing to be your travel buddy.

      1. Emily*

        Hah, I feel like metal fans are super dedicated! (Or maybe it’s just that I’m in the US and a lot of ‘big’ metal bands are from Europe, so some of my friends will move heaven and earth to see their favorite bands when they come nearby.)

        Anyway, an overseas vacation including a concert by a band you really like sounds great! I don’t think there are many artists/performances I would currently do that for, but in theory I like the idea.

    16. Matilda the Hun*

      I drove 6 hours to Miami (well, Sunrise), at night by myself, to see Billy Joel perform for NYE the next evening. Stayed 3 nights, had a wonderful time shopping and relaxing, and had the best concert experience of my life.

      Definitely stay the night- when you’re heading to the show, you’ll find other fans staying near you and you can talk about how you were introduced to her and your favorite songs and stuff! There was a couple at my hotel for Billy that had flown in from Japan for the concert, and were using Google Translate with the front desk staff to sign up for a shuttle bus to the arena. My mom saw Barry Gibb in Miami, and met people from Germany who flew in to see him, since he rarely performs.

    17. The Original K.*

      I would drive 3 hours to a concert (and I would definitely drive 3 hours to see Janelle Monae), especially if it was taking place in a city with lots of other fun things to do. If I were able, I’d spend a day on either side of the concert doing other fun things in that city. Go for it!

    18. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I once drove about 1,200 miles each way to see Belle and Sebastian. I lived in southern New Mexico and my friend lived in Denver, and the nearest show was in Kansas City. So I drove to pick him up then went to Kansas. Fortunately I have relatives in both places so it was a combination road trip and visit to grandma and grandpa’s.

    19. Elizabeth West*

      Three hours is doable for driving. Any more and I wouldn’t want to, especially if I had to drive alone. I HATE driving alone because it triggers my travel anxiety.

      If I have to fly and I have the money, there is no limit. The farthest I’ve ever gone domestically for a concert is from here to Los Angeles, about 1600 miles. The farthest ever was from here to London, 4200 miles. If I can ever manage it, I plan to travel past that even — there are yearly film music concerts in Prague and Krakow and dammit, all my friends get to go and I want to!

    20. mini cas*

      I wouldn’t drive far for a concert but I would fly. I’m from Toronto and I have considered going to the U.S. to see an artist perform.

      I don’t think Janelle Monae comes here that often so I say go for it.

    21. nr*

      I absolutely went from Chicago to Minneapolis to see Dessa with the Minnesota Orchestra. I worked my Thursday night shift, took Friday off at my other job and got a Megabus, stayed with my friend after the show, and got the bus home in time for my night shift on Saturday. It was a bit ridiculous but an unequivocally excellent decision.

      I’ve also gone 2.5 hours to both of her last Chicago shows – for one I rented a car and drove home in the middle of the night, and for the other I took the train and got a hotel. The drive home and four hours of sleep after the former were rough, but not regret-it rough.

      And yeah, for Janelle Monae? How could you not?

    22. Blue_eyes*

      Do it! It will be worth it! Definitely get a hotel or AirBnB so you don’t have to drive in the dark or feel like you need to leave the concert early.

      – signed, someone-who-just-got-tickets-to-see-Janelle-Monáe-in-NYC*

      *I live in NYC so I don’t have to go far to see the show, but she is so amazing I would totally travel to see her. I saw her once a few years ago at a benefit concert and she is unbelievable live – all of her energy and magnetism carries over even more in person.

    23. Jane of all Trades*

      Ohhh I hope you have a fantastic time! I didn’t travel, but two friends flew across the country and met up with me and another friend in my city to go to a concert. It was a summer, outside concert, we pregamed, found a good spot at the concert, and hung out the next day and it was sooo much fun!

    24. smoke tree*

      I would drive 3 hours for Janelle Monae! I’m going to see her on this tour as well–so excited!!

    25. MissDisplaced*

      Like, a million years ago, I went to Live Aid by myself. But that was only about a 1 hour drive. I did also take the train from Philly to NYC for a U2 concert (staying overnight).
      3 hours isn’t so bad of a drive really, but if the show runs late, you should definitely get a hotel room for the night. GO! It will be an adventure.

    26. Windchime*

      I’m probably not a good person to ask, since I’m flying to Vegas to see Elton John next week. :) It would be a long drive, but just a 2 hour-ish feel from Seattle.

    27. Eve*

      I’ve done it. Can you afford a hotel for the night though? I think at that distance it is a must.

      I bought tickets to her show in Boston this week and I’m so excited. It’s about 2 hours from me but I did it without hesitation. It’s Janelle Monae!

    28. Roja*

      I took some friends and drove three hours each way to see Wicked a few years back. It was a long day, but definitely worth it. We did plan so we could spend a few hours exploring the city (New Orleans) and that was quite fun too.

    29. Emily*

      Update for the curious: A few hours after posting, I purchased a ticket! :D

      Also, I appreciate all the stories you have to share – there’s a few too many for me to reply to all of them individually, but it’s fun to read the things you’ve done to attend exciting events or see your favorite performers.

    30. Nervous Accountant*

      I’m driving 1+ hr to NJ to see Ed Sheeran. This would be my first solo concert and second one ever (late bloomer here). I’m crushing so hard I might just drive 2-3 hours lol.

    31. The Person from the Resume*

      I wondered if it was Janelle Monae because my friend today announced that she’s not coming to our town but she’s willing to make the 500 mile drive to Atlanta for the show.

      I wouldn’t do it but I’m not as much of a music fan as my friend.

    32. Diamond*

      I live in a tiny town 3 hours away from the nearest city, so it would be very normal for me to drive that distance even for something less special than a concert!

    33. geographic*

      I flew to Nashville from Boston in 2006 to see Tom Waits with my mom for her 50th birthday. He rarely tours, and it’s usually only a handful of dates. I bought the concert tickets and we each paid for our own plane ticket. My mom is a huge fan and introduced me to his music when I was very young, so I’m a huge fan, too. It was totally worth it (and we also visited her sister in Chattanooga, so it wasn’t *exclusively* to see a concert). I would definitely drive three hours to see Janelle Monae.

    34. pur8ple*

      Doooo ittttt!!! My boyfriend and I flew to Reno from Massachusetts to see Neutral Milk Hotel because they sold out in like 30 seconds when they toured in our area and it was 100% worth it. Probably my favorite show that I’ve ever been to, everything combined to make it a grand adventure and we still talk about it today, three years later.

  9. Someone*

    What is your inner voice like? As in, how does your inner thought process manifest?

    It’s never really discussed (I think) and I’m dying to know – ever since a few years ago, when I was brushing my teeth while, in my head, telling my father about some stuff I’d learned at university. I veered off a bit, though, and for some reason ended up “telling” my father that I tend to think in a sort of dialogue, where I imagine telling people about the stuff that I’m thinking about. It occurred to me that my father would probably be surprised to hear that…

    I imagine many people might think in a sort of monologue where they basically talk with themselves. I also found some small discussions on the internet, and remember reading about someone who’s inner vice was basically like a narrator.

    Mine, as I said, is a dialogue. Sort of, I don’t actually spend much time imagining what the other person might say. It’s more like running my own thought process against the filter of a different personality – my father, mother, boyfriend, other friends, professors, or sort of “stock personalities” like a doctor or psychologist. I try to explain my opinion or experience to whatever person fits the current situation, while basically listening to my own thoughts with their ears. It’s actually quite useful, though I end up constantly thinking about myself critically, which can be a bit exhausting.

    So, what about you?

    1. NaoNao*

      It’s hard to describe. It’s like an audible book narrator but barely conscious, if that makes sense. I often think in pictures/memories/sensations, but also fully formed sentences. I too have voices: they’re my own voice but critical words from difficult people in my life.

    2. Etg*

      Oh, I dialog all the time. And sometimes i catch myself mouthing the words when I’m alone and i really wonder if I’ve lost my mind ;).

      I remember as a kid I was narrating my life in my head as if it were a series of (extremely boring) books.

    3. dr_silverware*

      It’s changed a lot over the years. I remember clearly that in middle school I’d do a lot of narrating, particularly narrating mundane stuff. “She walks down the stairs with her books.” Now, if I’m in a bad mood, I develop a really mean inner voice telling me things directly, and when I start coming out of the bad mood, I tend to change it to a dialog and talk directly and sternly back.

      Most of the time now, though, I don’t notice an inner voice, or it only comes up when I’m planning, and then it’ll be, like “OK, I’ll do an hour of work and then set a timer for a half hour of relaxation…”

      It’s an interesting question! I think that all these changes in inner voice, for me, have a lot to do with my method of journaling. I don’t know the direction of the causality, but when I was young, I’d write pages and pages of narrative about my day; now I write lists and a couple pages of processing if I need to work through a storm of inscrutable bad mood.

    4. FrontRangeOy*

      Dialogue, like you, with a rotating cast of “stock character types.” (Critical friend, upbeat friend, various neutral 3rd parties.)

      1. Someone*

        Ooh, I should add “upbeat friend” and “critical friend” as stock personalities myself. I’ve only ever used stock personalities when the matter asked for some professional objective opinion. But what you mentioned sounds like a great way to steer your own emotions a bit, which honestly is something I need to work on.

    5. OperaArt*

      Dialog with myself.
      “Don’t forget to take a lunch to work.”
      “Oh, that’s right. Where’s the pear?”
      “Right hand drawer of the fridge.”

    6. Red Reader*

      Depends on what I’ve been watching lately. When I was blowing through all 9 seasons of Forensic Files on Netflix, I started hearing my life narrated by the show’s narrator, complete with some weird phrasing. “After finishing her workday, Ginger went to a department store to purchase some groceries, as well as a bag of chocolate candy and… a DVD movie.” (It was discount post-valentine’s chocolate and Thor: Ragnarok, but the show always makes the most mundane stuff sound hinky :P )

      1. Turtlewings*

        I’m always amused by the way he says “computer,” as if he’s never heard the word before and is mildly suspicious of the concept!

    7. LilySparrow*

      Yes, I nearly always have someone I’m addressing in my mind. The exception would be when I’m having a purely emotional or sensory experience.

      If I’m thinking in words, they are addressed to someone, even if it’s someone imaginary. If I address myself or a thing I’m dealing with (jar lid, recalcitrant computer) like “Well, that was silly,” or “Come on,” or “Yes, good job,” I almost always break into talking out loud.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I tend to think in pictures. This is fine for sorting things quickly. It’s not fine in most other instances. So fixing lunch for work goes like this:
      “Do I have everything? [Picture yesterday’s lunch. picture myself sitting at my desk with my lunch, wondering where my bottled water is.] I grab the bottled water.
      “Now, do I have everything?” [Notice note on place mat with info for a cohort. Put the note in my handbag.]
      “Am I done yet?” [Decide to put the dog out one last time, while I flip through the pictures in my head to see what else I was supposed to remember.]

      Navigating by car is similar. “Picture turning left by the white house with the blue shutters.” I can navigate most of my county this way and I can do a couple other counties in the same manner. About 15 years ago, I decided I should really start to use maps, going on recall is actually a limiting way to navigate. It’s also draining because I sometimes don’t remember a turn until I am on top of it at 50 mph. grr. I hate that.

      1. Saucy Minx*

        For the most part, I process in images & feelings.

        If I want words then the system slows down while I search for just the right ones. Sometimes I get audible at this point, but I am always alone (& not loud) when rehearsing the phrases.

        Strangely, there is not much sound either in my thoughts or in my dreams, despite my love of music & singing.

    9. Lissa*

      I don’t think in pictures at all, and don’t really have a visual component to my thoughts, so it’s all dialogue. My inner voice is always running, generally pretty loud and distinctive, in my head. Sometimes I will imagine conversations, but it’s also often like narrative might be in a book or something.

    10. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I’m such a megalomaniac. I do the dialog thing, but I always assume I’m being interviewed by someone on TV or a podcast. It used to be Jon Stewart on the Daily Show almost exclusively, but I’ve branched out since he left the show. I’ve been on Chapo a few times. Other times, I think there’s still an assumption that I’m on TV or on stage, but the interviewer is more a stock “media” character than anyone specific.

      I guess it’s not ALWAYS an interview, I can think of times when I’ve talked to my boss in my head in the past. But usually, it’s an interview.

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        Hah! I do the interview thing sometimes too. For the longest time, NPR and Diane Rehm interviewed me. I am NOT that interesting but made for endlessly entertaining inner dialogue :-P

    11. Grapey*

      My therapist once called my dad my “shoulder devil.” Many lightbulbs went off at that point.

      I’ve learned to stop being critical to myself and letting my dad/shoulder devil babble to himself when things start to get hairy. I just acknowledge it and then consciously repeat something kind to myself.

      e.g. old me: “You’re dumb for breaking that plate, be more careful you dummy!”
      new me: “Next time don’t try to carry 4 things at once! But at the end of that day it was just a mistake. You didn’t like that plate anyway.”

    12. Ex-Academic, Future Accountant*

      I read your post going “omg, are you secretly me?” I do exactly the same thing — not all the time, it’s something I find myself focusing on (e.g. while exercising, going to sleep, washing dishes, or any other non-verbal activity — I also sometimes audiate music instead at such times). But if my thoughts are internally verbalized, that’s generally how.

      The other thing is that I’m a monolingual English speaker, but the language I do this in also depends on the imagined addressee. And not always in a way that conforms to the reality of actual conversations with the person in question: e.g. my advisor in grad school was a native German speaker, and when I was imagining conversations with him, they were in German even though I only ever spoke English with him in real life. Sometimes I’d be in an imagined conversation with “Generic Person I Speak Language X To”, for languages I’d studied in college and was trying to keep up, but didn’t currently have any opportunities to speak them with actual people.

      It sort of helps with devising things like elevator pitches, and “public-facing” explanations of complicated things that are going on in my life, because I’ve already practiced them a bit in my head.

      1. Someone*

        I don’t ALWAYS think in dialogue, only mostly – when I do have an inner voice. But I can also think differently – e.g. when I’m really concentrated on solving a math problem, I talk to myself (aloud, when I’m alone), explaining what I have to do, what is notable, what one could try. I’m also an avid daydreamer, and obviously these daydreams involve the complete set of sensations.

        I also occasionally focus and /or imagine music, but most of the time I lose that focus rather quickly and dialogue again…

        I totally do that foreign language inner voice thing. Only in two languages on the whole, though, English and German, my native tongue. I think it’s usually dependent on how I’d address that person in real life, though for stock personalities it’s nowadays really almost always English.
        I increasingly do my thinking in internet posts nowadays, which is not much different from the dialogue, only the filter is strangers from a specific website.

    13. Alpha Bravo*

      Mostly it’s like being barked at by my inner drill instructor. On the order of “Come on, Bravo, get your shit together.” Although sometimes he’s helpful and walks me through things too.

    15. only acting normal*

      Mostly 3D pictures and highly abstract non-verbal concept, but if I’m arranging a thought to communicate it then it becomes a rehearsal of what to say/write in words. I can also have long (frequently argumentative) dialogue with myself if I’m rehearsing a conversation – often in the bathroom mirror. :D

    16. HannahS*

      I dialogue, but when I talk to myself, it’s in the first person plural. So if I’m telling myself that I need to study more, it’s ‘We really need to work on this.” Apparently, most people will talk to themselves as either “I” or “you,” but as far as I can remember, I think of myself as “we.”

  10. Not the tooth fairy*

    Having a terrible time in the dental department lately. I have two crowns which have held up reasonably well over the past decade or so but seem to have decided to give up in the same week.

    I had to get one of the teeth extracted (it’s gotten to a point where the remaining tooth wasn’t viable anymore), so that was no fun. I haven’t decided whether to get an implant yet (it’s fairly far back and doesn’t affect my bite) but if I do that’ll cost quite a bit.

    Then two days ago I managed to somehow crack in the other crown. The piece that cracked off wasn’t big but quite jagged, so the bit that remains is also sharp and scraping/scratching my tongue constantly. Fairly sure I’ll have to get the whole thing replaced so that’s another hefty expense.

    Sigh. Back to the dentist on Monday.

    One cannot over-emphasis the importance of dental health. Remember to brush your teeth children!

    1. the gold digger*

      If it helps, the oral surgeon who did my five gum grafts told me that I had done things right (brushing and flossing every day, even when I was on the overnight bus from Santa Cruz to Cochabamba, and paying for dental cleanings out of my meager savings when I was in grad school) and that big dental problems like having to have teeth pulled and grafted and root canaled are mostly genetic.

      RE: Implant. Get the implant. Get the implant instead of a bridge. A bridge requires capping the two adjacent teeth, I think, which means grinding and capping healthy teeth. Get the implant. If you are in the US, check to see if there is a dental college near you. I had mine (second to last molar) done at the dental college in Memphis and it cost $600. You can’t let that space go unfilled, either – your teeth will shift, which is not good.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Also, get the implant now. The bone can deteriorate so much that an implant is no longer possible or very difficult to do.

      2. Enough*

        Agree. The only exception is if it’s the very last molar. Husband has 2 implants and one missing molar.
        Re:genetics Husband was very surprised to find out that you can have a crown without a root canal. All his crowns were the finishing touches on root canals while mine were just the crowns. Have a daughter who the dentist called a “dental patient”. That is lots of dental work in her future. She now has a root canal and a crown and will need to more crowns. Possible TMJ issues and had problems that stretched out her orthodontic work And she’s only 28. Her brother may have a couple of fillings and went through braces in record time. He’s 32.

        1. Not the tooth fairy*

          As it happens it is the last molar (although I have a wisdom tooth behind it) hence why the dentist didn’t insist I go with the implant. They did offer me a consultation so I’ll probably go to that once the site has healed a bit.

          It’s amazing how expensive dental issues can get.

          1. brushandfloss*

            FYI the wisdom tooth is your last molar, you lost a second molar. Since you do have a have your wisdom tooth a bridge is a possibility but that will depend on the state of the wisdom tooth. If you can afford it I think its probably best to do an implant to avoid filling down the adjacent teeth(especially if they are virgin teeth.
            The thing to remember about implants is that they need to be kept clean. They can develop gum problems just like natural teeth(peri-implantitis) and fail.
            RE: Fractured crown. You probably fractured the porcelain. While it should eventually be replaced you can ask you dentist if they can fill it down to avoid to avoid the scratching.
            Best of luck

      3. Lilo*

        I had a back molar pulled this year and I’m going through whether I want it replaced. Losing the tooth was the culmination of years of surgery on the tooth, until they deemed it a total loss.

        Implants cost a lot, but as it’s a back tooth, the only issue is that I will eventually lose its partner above it, if I don’t get it fixed. I’m not decided yet, but I’m going to have the consultation.

      4. Not the tooth fairy*

        Probably true for some people, but in my case it’s definitely down to poor dental practices as a child (typical stuff – had a sweet tooth, was lazy about brushing before bed). It caught up to me when I was at university and I had a really bad toothache, turns out to be a massive cavity, which turned out to need a root canal. I thought once the crown was fitted that’d be the end of it, but 10 years later and I find that’s very much not the case. Sigh.

    2. nep*

      Saw a bumper sticker once: ‘Ignore your teeth and they’ll go away.
      TRUTH.
      You are so right. Can’t overstate the importance of maintaining healthy teeth. I’ve got just a handful of teeth left, and countless issues. Finally contacted a new dentist (as I don’t want to continue with one I’d been seeing) and I’ll be seeing her soon for some overdue work.
      Best of luck.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Dental wax, like what people use on their braces, at the drug store might help with that sharp edge.

    4. AnitaJ*

      No advice, just sending good vibes to you. I’m currently on the couch with an ice pack on my face after a tooth extraction. Suuuuuuuucks.

  11. Fiennes*

    I’m in the process of obtaining Italian citizenship, along with a few other family members. We’re definitely eligible, but still assembling documentation. For anyone else who’s done this: do you have to get certified or official copies of census pages?

    1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      From what I’ve heard Italian citizenship it’s one of the toughest to get because of the high demand. Usually governments ease the process for war and occupation exiled descendants (for example, a passport and death certificate would be enough if official records were destroyed during WWII bombing), but AFAIK Italy barely lowered the bar. I would try to get as much certified documents as possible (birth, baptism, marriage, death, census, passports) to provide proof and contact a descendants local group for guidance.
      (BTW, I’m not sure if you have to resign your own citizenship first, so better check)

  12. Anna*

    How old is too old to be involved in ‘fandom’?

    I started getting into that kind of thing when I was in high school (16-ish, I’m guessing that’s pretty standard), typical stuff like fanfiction, fanart, online forums, some shipping dramas etc. I was aware there were people in the fandom who were in their 20s or even older, and I remember thinking that was ‘old’ but didn’t think it was all that weird (and they tended to be better writers and had more thoughtful discussion etc., so that was nice).

    Now I’m twice the age I was when I started, but I’m aware that most people in fandoms are still in the late-teens/early-20s (often come across posts of people freaking out over turning 25 or something) and I feel like I probably shouldn’t still be interested in that kind of thing. I mean I don’t get involved in fandom dramas, but still enjoy the fanfiction and discussion side of things.

    Just to be clear this doesn’t at all impact on my every day life, it’s very much a thing I do after work or on weekends,(though I certainly wouldn’t talk about it to real-life friends or acquaintances). Still, there’s often a voice in my head that’s telling me this is something I really should’ve grown out of by now.

    2. Fiennes*

      HAHAHAHAHAhahahhahahaha, “too old” for fandom. I’m about 50 and I’m still in. Fandom skews younger mostly bc younger people tend to have more free time. (Obviously there are exceptions—just generally.) People still love what they love. Sometimes, now that fandom is a little more mainstream, you do run into younger fans thinking adult fans are old/strange—but I got in long enough ago that I routinely interacted with fans in their 60s.

      Don’t be ashamed of the things that bring you joy.

      2. AnonEMoose*

        This. I’m in my late 40s, my DH is older than that, and we both volunteer with a local science fiction convention. The attendees range from older than us to infants. Some people will tell you that it’s childish or whatever. Feel free to ignore those people; some seem to think that valuing the imagination and keeping a sense of wonder is somehow “childish.” And you know what? They’re WRONG.

        People never seem to think that someone is “too old” for passionate sports fandom. Sometimes that’s even celebrated. You like a different kind of fandom, and there is NOTHING wrong with that or with you.

    3. Book Lover*

      I couldn’t find the post I was looking for, but perhaps this will help – https://fanlore.org/wiki/Too_Old_for_Fandom%3F

      I’ve been in fandom since the x- files and even then there were many who had been in it so much longer from Star Trek, The Professionals, MUNCLE, and so on. Many of the best writers of fanfic are minimum 30+.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        Some were in it even before that – fandom has been a thing at least since the days of the pulp magazines, it’s just gotten much bigger as more options have become available.

    5. H.Savinien*

      Oh dude, don’t even worry about it. Some of my fandom friends are 50+ and still going strong. Teens and adults have different perspectives on the community, but it’s stronger for all of us. In the Star Trek: TOS fandom there was recently a lot of mourning for Spockslash/Star Trek Grandma/Fandom Grandmoa, one of the Originals, who kept up her fan activity on tumblr until her death this February.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I thought of Spockslash as soon as I saw this question! What a loss to us all. If she wasn’t too old, ain’t nobody too old.

        There’s not a single reason to ever feel “too old” for fandom. Does anyone get too old for knitting? For reading? For watching football? For taking photos? It’s a hobby, it’s something you do for joy, and there’s no age limit on that.

        (I could write an essay on why fandom is only “embarrassing” because it’s largely done by women and anything women enjoy gets crapped on — but suffice to say, OP, remaining defiantly in fandom is a feminist action.)

    6. Sorcha*

      I’m 42, my friends are between 35 and 50, and we’re all in fandom and very happily so. I think that now much of fandom has moved to Tumblr and the like it’s easy to feel that everyone is young (compared with LJ, where it tended to skew a bit older) but it’s not really true of fandom as a whole in my experience.

      I didn’t get into online fandom up until I wasn’t in my late 20’s, and I’ve never seen it as something for young people. One of the first friends I made when I joined fandom was already over 50 and had been in fandom for three decades. Fandom is my hobby and it brings me joy, community and some of the best experiences of my life. I’m not interested in outgrowing those things ;)

    7. Saturday*

      Do you mostly hang on Tumblr? It’s been a thing lately in some circles to act like any woman over the age of 20 is a crusty old hag who needs to drop all her hobbies and devote her life to Womanly Duties. It seems like it’s pretty unique to that site; I’ve never seen that kind of crap on that level anywhere else. They’re out their heads don’t even worry about them.

      Even when I was a kid most fans I knew were adult women with careers and partners and kids. A lot of my fandom friends now are my age (late 20s) or older. You’re never too old to have fun.

    8. Hellanon*

      I got into fandom at 40, happily wrote fic in about 4 fandoms until a few years back, and point to it as one of the defining experiences of my adult life. Thoroughly enjoyed it, learned to write, learned a lot about boundaries and taking myself seriously, even went to Wincon once. And made a few great friendships. Fandom is all about finding your people, and the great thing about online is that in some ways it blurs age enough that interests can become the point of contact. Stay in it until your interests move on – don’t force yourself out of fandom for artificial reasons.

    9. Tris Prior*

      They’ll pry fandom from my cold, dead hands. I am in my 40s and know plenty of people involved in fandom who are my age or older. If you still enjoy it there is no need to quit just because you feel like you should due to your age!

    10. PeakVincent*

      I love fandom! I’m still early 20s, but at the moment, many of my closest friends and favorite writers are early 30s. The idea that fandom is for teens has always confused me—teens are WELCOME, sure, but in my experience it’s adult women who do most of the work to make fandom great. Fan on!

    11. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Kids these days are hanging out on Tumblr for fandom stuff. Us dinosaurs are still on the journal sites/AO3.

      It’s really no different than being into a sport and doing a fantasy league.

    13. Laurin Kelly*

      I’m 47 and have been involved with multiple fandoms since I was in my early 20’s. I have tons of fandom friends my age and older (I think the oldest is in her mid-60’s), and even carved out a fairly successful run as a fanfic author from ages 39 to 45 – I transitioned to original fiction after that, but I still read fanfic.

      There’s no need to age out of something that brings you joy!

    14. LilySparrow*

      There is no age limit. I think the reasons for decreasing participation over time have to do with increased demands on time, energy & money as much as anything. Just like people tend to migrate from sports participation to being a spectator. There’s nothing wrong with being in an upper age division in racing or sports, but people drop out over time because it takes more & more commitment to keep it going as you get older. People just hit their own ceiling at different times.

      I’m over 45 and am not very active in any fandom, but I have written fanfiction within the last couple of years. I do check in and read some fan news, kind of nibble around the edges.

      The main thing I don’t have patience for anymore is the interpersonal drama – cliqueishness, manufactured controversy, etc. There’s always going to be a lot of that when folks are very emotionally invested in something. But I have too many other places to spend my emotional “bucks” now. So I keep my distance.

    15. all aboard the anon train*

      Never too old. It’s unfortunate that a lot of my fandoms hang out in tumblr where the age skews young and they’ve had kids run off adults or say they’ll accuse them of unsavory behavior which is….concerning, to say the least.

      But you’re allowed to keep your hobbies as you age. Honestly, when I see kids complaining about “creepy adults” in fandom or how the content they like is only for people of their age group, I roll my eyes because the original producers of that content are usually older. It’s always adults making the TV shows/movies or writing the books or comics that they love, so I don’t really get the idea that there has to be an age limit.

      I have a lot of fandom friends who are around my age and you know what? I’m 31 and it’s nice to have people who are also in my age group, who stopped caring about drama and just want to have rational discussions and ship what they ship without making the smallest thing into Problematic Discourse. I find a lot of – not all, because there are people who love drama at every age – older fans tend to just avoid the drama and discourse and block what they don’t like and as I’ve gotten older, fandom has still enjoyable, but much less fraught with high emotions the way it was when I was younger.

      It probably also helps that most of my fandoms have a wide age range and aren’t geared specifically towards teens and college kids.

    16. TheLiz*

      You’re totally not too old! In terms of the ages of people around you, it *really* depends where you hang out. I’ve been to London ComiCon, where I think I was on the old end of things at 26, and London Worldcon where I was a wee childling of 25 – grey was definitely the most common hair colour. It’s my experience that the fandoms with older folks are better places, with more acceptance and less drama, but most of all YOU LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE AND THAT’S OKAY. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS BAD AND WRONG AND SHOULD SHUSH. (One of my bugbears, sorry – the Taste Police really annoy me.)

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Being the youngest at a con sounds really lovely and refreshing! All of the people I have gotten along with in fandom are either my classmates or much older then me, and I love hearing the lore passed down from fans who have been around much longer then I have! Stories of old fandom, pre-internet days are our heritage, and I truly love to hear them.

        1. curly sue*

          Go to WorldCon – that one definitely skews older, and was such an affirming experience!

          1. Free Meerkats*

            I have to endorse this. I’m in my 60s and am seldom the oldest one in the room at WorldCons (or any other SF&F con.) I’ll be working in the Fanzine Lounge at WorldCon 76 in San Jose this August, come say Hi.

    17. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      I worry about this sometimes too! I tend to be a fangirl; I get really into stuff and start exploring Reddit or forum options. I don’t hide it, but sometimes I realize it feels sort of weird when I start talking about it. :)

      I’m actually more deeply involved in a fandom now than I have been at almost any other time in my life; Outside Xbox is a Youtube channel, very fun and pretty wholesome, and I just really enjoy what they put out. I’m in the fandom Discord, and I’m actually working on paintings for them (fanart is a new frontier for me!)

      My partner is slightly weirded out by it, but we’re both big nerds (play D&D, video games, watch all the superhero shows, etc) so he also gets it to some degree. He compared it to religion, which tbh I don’t think is off. It’s finding a community of people with shared values and cultural references. In my case, it’s a channel that has 5 people who play (versions of) themselves, and they enjoy engaging with their fans and admiring fanart so that makes the whole experience really rewarding. Paying homage with art definitely feels like what I imagine people who worshipped the Greek gods felt like: you want to make them happy and grant you favor (expressed in modernity via retweet), so you create something for them.

      I’m mature enough to know that they’re not ever gonna be my IRL friends (something I probably knew but didn’t *really* know during my junior-high X-files fandom), and that while people like having fans, it gets uncomfortable when it feels like fans are doing too much or feeling like a fan is obsessive or even stalker-y, as I’m sure happens to most even minorly famous people, so I don’t feel bad about enjoying my fandom. It brings me laughs, lets me meet cool people, and makes my life more enjoyable.

    18. Bagpuss*

      Never too old if you are having fun.
      I came late to any kind of organised fandom, I went to my first Con about ten years ago, when I was in my mid 30s, and I definitely wasn’t even close to being the oldest there.
      And a dear friend of mine, who died this week in her mid 5os, was very much a part of her particular fandom right to the end.

    19. Loopy*

      I relate to this! But not so much as I’m embarrassed but more I wish I could find fandom friends my age- in real life OR online. I also often look for fic and have trouble wading through badly written fics, looking for writers that are more my level. I hope that doesn’t sound snarky and snobbish. I was once a teen writing fics that read badly and Im glad there was a supportive community for helping me grow. But now that I’ve read so widely, I don’t have the patience for bad grammar :( It makes staying involved harder.

      I do love fanfics and fan art.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Agree so much!

        The writing and grammar is an issue for me as well, but I also find a lot of the tropes or plots that are popular with younger writers are things that either make me uncomfortable, I find offensive, or just not my cup of tea. Some of it I know is definitely due to lack of life experience about certain things.

      2. SpiderLadyCEO*

        I sort by kudos, and read by recs – that tends to keep things quality! As for friends – go to fannish events! Join groups that have nerdy leanings! And – don’t be surprised by who’s into fandom :) I work in politics, I’m prim and proper and high femme, I don’t look nerdy – and my greatest joy in life is fandom.

        And you know what I’ve noticed? The grown ups, they write the best fic!

        My struggle is fannish friends who are into the same things I am, but thankfully if I let them gush about GOT, they let me ramble on about MCU.

        (I am totally sorry if you didn’t want advice and I just jumped in, haha.)

        1. curly sue*

          MCU all the way over here! Have you seen IW yet? I dragged the better half and our kids to see it yesterday. (I was the one diagramming out all the interrelationships and comic backstories over the table at lunch beforehand, much to the waitress’s glee.)

    20. curly sue*

      You’re more than fine – the over 30 (over 40, over 50…) crowds are still here and kicking. A lot depends on which fandoms you’re in, and which site you’re on the most. Some fandoms skew younger than others, and Tumblr specifically skews young again. But the best writers, the con organizers, the site builders, the keepers of lore (Secret Masters of Fandom and all) are adults. Revel in the things that make you smile!

  13. stitchinthyme*

    Some of you may remember my post a couple weeks ago about my frustration with a friend (“Jane”) who has MS and had been asking for someone to come pick her up and drive her over to our house for game night every time for the last several months…and with my husband, who always volunteered to go get her because he felt bad for her (and because he’s always too nice to everyone). So, here’s an update.

    Yesterday she again requested a ride, and I told my husband to just not respond, and see if she came up with her own way to get here. Meanwhile, my awesome friend “Gina”, who is on the gaming invite list and also knows Jane well, saw the request and decided to say something. She suggested Jane call an Uber or Lyft, and Jane said she couldn’t afford it because she doesn’t have a job. Gina countered that Jane is married and her husband has a decent-paying job, and surely he wouldn’t begrudge his wife a ride-share to get to game night when he can’t make it. Jane then said she doesn’t like to ride in a car with a complete stranger. Which I guess is understandable, but Gina pointed out that expecting us to both host and chauffeur her all the time (as I said, this has been going on for most of this year, as Jane’s husband has been busy almost every gaming night) is unreasonable, and that not wanting to spend her/her husband’s money or ride with a stranger doesn’t mean that others should be obligated to spend THEIR time and money going to get her.

    So the end result was that Jane drove herself to our house (she can drive, but not at night — although she’s working with her ophthalmologists to get a prescription that will fix that), left her car here, and her husband was going to come get her after gaming and they’d pick up the car today. Her husband ended up having some sort of delay so another of our friends drove her home, but either way, my husband and I were not the ones who had to deal with it, she figured out her own solution, and my husband and I were a lot less frustrated in the end. And I’m really glad Gina talked to her and told her what an imposition it is to always be asking for rides…I would not mind it a bit if it was just every now and then, but when it goes on for months, I get more than a little bit irritated. And I was finally able to convince my husband to let Jane work out her own solution, so that’s also progress!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Great resolution! I didn’t comment last week, since so many others said what I was thinking, but I remember being frustrated on your behalf.

      2. stitchinthyme*

        Believe me, I told her so when she recounted her conversation with Jane to me! She’s also a “fixer” type, so she did try to help Jane come up with possible solutions (that didn’t involve us or someone else having to go get her), but in the end it was Jane’s husband who had the idea to drive herself over and pick up her car the next day.

        I consider it only a partial victory since another of our friends (who happens to be unemployed and doesn’t have a spouse to support him) had to drive her home, but her husband DID intend to — there was just an accident or something on the highway that caused him to get severely delayed. And the other friend did volunteer (he’s similar to my husband — a really nice guy). And since I’m not married to him, it’s not really my business if he gets taken advantage of, even if I don’t enjoy seeing it.

    3. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      That’s awesome – and I’m really proud Mr. Stitch held his ground, since I know that was something you were worried about!

      Hopefully Jane doesn’t impose on you guys as much going forward. Although she sounds even more difficult than she did from your original post about her.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        Yeah, I am hoping that now that Gina has pointed out to her the huge sense of entitlement she’s been showing in just assuming someone would give her a ride, she might at least stop and think about how annoying it is. I think it’s very possible that it simply never occurred to her that other people have to spend their time and money to go out and get her, or that she could try to figure it out on her own.

        Anyway, Jane’s husband’s been playing in the pit orchestra of a local theater production that runs through this weekend, so unless he’s got another one coming up, he should be coming to gaming nights again starting next time. But since there will undoubtedly be other ones — he’s done a couple in the last year (his full-time job isn’t music-related, but he enjoys playing in his spare time) — I’m glad Gina said something, because this was getting super-annoying.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          I’m hoping she does, but from what you said that Gina said that Jane said (which, admittedly, makes it third hand and Through The Internet on my end)…I wouldn’t hold my breath.

          I’m in agreement that Gina is awesome and we all need a Gina in our lives.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Gina is a great friend. Thanks for the update, I am glad there has been change here.

    6. Grapey*

      (I rarely read weekend threads so I missed the previous post – maybe there you mentioned your husband didn’t like giving rides to Gina but that’s not clear in this update.)

      I’m glad the situation is resolved for you, but if someone told me “Your husband makes a lot, make him do it” I’d be pissed. Our household finances aren’t anyone else’s business. If someone can’t give me a ride, just say no and I’ll badger other people or figure something out.

      IMO expressing annoyance at “expecting us to both host and chauffeur her all the time” should have come from your husband, not someone else. If I were Jane I’d be thinking ‘why hasn’t the guy that’s been driving me around said something before? Why is Gina being his mouthpiece? Are they telling Gina something that I’m not aware of? Do they agree with Gina?’ Again, I don’t know what was in the previous post but I feel bad for Jane here.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        People on the original post did point out (correctly) that the real problem was with my husband, who is a really nice person who finds it hard to say no to anyone, and who therefore often gets taken advantage of. This is something he and I have talked often (and argued) about; he really did not want to give Jane rides, but felt so bad for her situation that he kept doing it. Since her requests were never made directly to us (they were made on the gaming invite, which everyone invited could see), I told my husband that if he couldn’t say no directly, he should just not respond — let someone else volunteer, or let Jane figure it out for herself, or stay home. And guess what? She got here on her own.

        Like my husband, I tend to be pretty non-confrontational, so I would never have said those things directly to Jane (although yes, I was thinking them), but really, I’m glad Gina did for the reasons I’ve already stated: a ride here and there would be fine, but doing it every single time gets annoying; and I really don’t think she ever tried to come up with some other solution herself, just immediately asked her friends and assumed that someone would volunteer (probably because it’s always worked before).

        And yes, it was my husband who had to do the actual picking up, but it WAS still annoying to me, not only because I don’t like to see someone I love be taken advantage of, but also because he helps me get the house ready for guests and chats with people when they arrive, freeing me up to get dinner made without feeling like I have to entertain people at the same time. Not to mention that the energy and wear and tear on the car are expenses that I share with my husband (and no, she’s never offered compensation for that).

        Also, the previous post was in a weekend thread, since it’s not job-related. I posted it two weeks ago. There was some other history in there, such as the fact that Jane has a history of asking a lot of favors and being generally irritating. (For example: before she moved to this area, she stayed in our guest room a few times while she was getting ready to move; one of those times she showed up a day earlier than she was supposed to, at dinnertime. And she’s done things like criticize my cooking…which may or may not be valid, but isn’t all that polite when someone’s going to the trouble to cook for you.) 4 months of asking for rides was just the icing on the cake.

        1. OhBehave*

          Bless Gina for being honest with Jane. What happens if she starts asking your husband specifically to pick her up? At some point, you will have to polish your polite spine and speak up. You may have to cut her out of your gatherings if she continues to criticize your cooking in your own home?! (“Feel free to bring your own meal if you don’t like my cooking.”)
          And the game nights sound like fun!

      2. Alice*

        I also missed last week’s post. But if your husband never told Jane “I can’t do this anymore” or “I don’t want to do it so frequently” then she had no way to know that you were getting frustrated.
        Glad it’s worked out now.

  14. here comes the sun oh there it goes again*

    Siiiiigh.

    After a week of gorgeous weather in London (got up to 28C at one point!) last week this week we’re back to the rainy/cold/gray setting. It’s like being teased with the prospect of spring (even summer!) and now they’ve snatched it away again.

    I miss wearing shorts *sadface*.

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      It’s been ok up north this week but still not exactly spring, too bloody cold. It’s like this year will consist of seven months of winter with an occasional spring week thrown in, then 6 days of summer (probs not consecutive) then autumn for the next THREE YEARS.

      1. here comes the sun oh there it goes again*

        I’ve heard it’s generally colder up north? This is only my second winter in the UK and I don’t remember my first one (2016/17) being this long! Certainly no snow in the city!

        1. only acting normal*

          London is warmer than almost everywhere else in Britain because there’s a heating effect in all cities due to the built environment (roads, buildings, general lack of big green spaces).
          Generally the UK is artificially warm for its latitude because of warming ocean currents.
          And, yes, there is quite a temperature differential between south and north.

          1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

            And between East and West, hence Beast from the East affected Yorkshire far more than Lancashire!

        2. only acting normal*

          PS
          IIRC last winter was particularly mild. A couple of years ago two weeks of sun in April was all the “summer” we got – it RAINED solidly for the rest of the year. But that was unusual too.

    2. Tris Prior*

      I just spent a week week there and was flummoxed by the nice weather. I was expecting cold, rainy, and gray, but especially last weekend was lovely! We did get violently hailed on while crossing Westminster Bridge, though. And 15 minutes later it was sunny again, WTF?

      Hey, at least your trees had leaves and blossoms on them. I’m back home in Chicago and our trees are STILL bare sticks. :(

      1. London Calling*

        * I was expecting cold, rainy, and gray, but especially last weekend was lovely! We did get violently hailed on while crossing Westminster Bridge, though. And 15 minutes later it was sunny again, WTF?*

        British weather :))

      2. here comes the sun oh there it goes again*

        My colleagues who are into gardening say that the plants (flowers especially) have been very confused this year because of the sudden weather changes. Apparently it’s more stark than it has been in the past.

        1. London Calling*

          Nope, I can recall lots of springs when the weather has been coming and going and the plants are confused. Sometimes it starts early, sometimes it starts late. This one doesn’t seem much different.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Spring 2015 had lots of lovely flowers but it was a little chilly. I remember standing on a train platform shivering and being extremely happy to discover I’d tucked a pair of gloves into my trench coat.

        2. Tau*

          I’m not sure about confused, but I’ll +1 late over here from Germany. We had crocuses end of March and daffodils start-to-mid-April (in fact, there’s still some blooming here and there), which is over a month later than usual. It’s the first time in ages that the daffodils hadn’t bloomed yet on Easter.

          I’m not sure if it’s necessarily a bad thing, mind you – spring has been moving earlier and earlier over the years, and there is something very bizarre about watching the plants start doing spring in early February. (In fact, we had a few crocuses that started blooming mid-February, got hit by the cold snap, and then made a resurgence in late March).

    3. Kat*

      It’s very sunny up here in Fife just now. Not warm enough for shorts, but then I don’t think the world is ready for my legs yet anyway! I guess we are taking our turn :)

    4. periwinkle*

      Seattle weather is doing the same – earlier this week it was sunny and warm, today it’s gray and chilly. We’ve had just about enough of this weather, thank you very much, give us warmth! I don’t mind the long drizzle-saturated winters but by the beginning of April, you get impatient for it for stop…

    5. Tau*

      Oh yeah, the summer in April thing was amazing, especially after we had solid winter up until the beginning of April. I tell myself this is more normal April weather and we can still have summer when it’s… actually summer… but it’s still sad. Today was nicer, though – let’s hope it stays.

      (I’m in Germany, for what it’s worth, but I figure we had similar weather.)

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Yeah this is pretty darn grim. I went out today to meet a friend for brunch and then to take Other Half suit shopping. Wore my lighter jacket because normally this time of year it can LOOK grey but it’ll be humid and I knew I wanted to walk where I was going. OMG it was chilly! Thank god there wasn’t a wind at least. Im actually making stew tomorrow which is kinda depressing.

      By the way – when did they start doing bag checks to get into St Pauls? I felt (sort of) bad for all the tourists standing out there in the cold drizzle in a rather long line, waiting to have someone check their bag.

      1. Bagpuss*

        I think there are bag checks pretty much everywhere touristy now (and at all the theatres), and have been for at last 2 years.

        1. London Calling*

          There have been bag checks at pretty much all tourist venues in London since the mid 70s. Security is a very lucrative industry.

        2. Tris Prior*

          We had our bags checked at Tower of London and Westminster Abbey. Only walked by St. Paul’s, didn’t go in.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      Ours is all over the place too. April 20? Snow. Gradual warmup all week until about +20 by Saturday. This past week, mostly in the +16 range. Yesterday? +27. Today? +11. My poor self is confused. Do we shiver? Do we lay on the carbs? Do we drink g+t in the backyard? Socks and shoes, or flip flops? Nobody knows!!

    8. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      It’s practically a running joke – we’ve had summer, it was a Thursday…

  15. nep*

    Menopause (or perimenopause) headaches…who’s got experience with this?
    Or — getting sinus headaches late in life, having NEVER had one? I know the menopause can make the body do weird things. I guess that could include getting having reaction to changing weather and having sinus infection although I never had before.
    Related — who uses a neti pot? How has it been for you?

    1. the gold digger*

      I tried a neti pot for my headaches. It didn’t work for me. When I finally asked my doctor about my headaches – it had never occurred to me to talk to a doctor about headache because doesn’t everyone get them all the time? – he told me there is no such thing as sinus headache – it’s all migraine and needs migraine treatment. Changing barometric pressure is a migraine trigger for me. (As is glare, dehydration, not enough sleep, low blood sugar and apparently everything that would make life fun, like staying up really late and then going to the beach.)

      (And I asked him about it only because a friend heard me complaining about a headache that wouldn’t go away and gave me some imitrex. The imitrex worked and I asked my doc for an RX.)

      As far as menopause – I have friends whose headaches have stopped with menopause, so I guess they could start at menopause as well.

      2. Fiennes*

        Oh, there are totally such things as sinus headaches. They’re massively over-diagnosed (if that’s what you call it when people rather than doctors make the call), and migraines are massively under-diagnosed, but sinus headaches straight up exist. (Of course, I’m a person with super-finicky sinuses—have already had to have sinus surgery once—so I get that I’m an outlier. And I’m glad more people are getting appropriate diagnoses and treatment now! But the sinus headache can happen.)

        2. nep*

          This is what I hear from family members, who are quite susceptible to sinus problems. Huge sinus headaches.

        3. LilySparrow*

          Oh, yeah. I’ve had both kinds.

          If I have a visual aura and/or nausea, it’s not a sinus headache.

          If decongestants and/or washing huge clumps of gunk out with the Neti make the headache go away, it wasn’t a migraine.

      3. nep*

        I’ve also read that the headaches generally come in perimenopause and settle down once one is completely into menopause. Hormone fluctuations causing the headaches. I don’t know. Reckon different for everyone as every body is different.

    2. fposte*

      I think it’s not uncommon for sinus problems to have later onset–your body reacts differently to allergens and irritants, your drainage may narrow, etc. After all, you don’t even *get* some sinuses until you’ve been out in the world for a few years. You can also have sinus headaches/blocked sinuses without having a sinus infection; they can be painful and inflamed without microorganisms causing the trouble (though that condition may lead to an infection). That’s how mine work.

      So I have kind of a two-pronged approach for prevention/early intervention. When I come in from gardening in spring, I neti pot in addition to changing clothes and showering (or at least washing hands); when I feel congestion and pain coming on (usually connected to wet weather), I take an NSAID and use Afrin to fight the inflammation enough to make sure the sinus (I have one main offender) keeps draining. If I’m home, I’ll also throw in a neti pot but the anti-inflammatory approach is much more key. It generally works within 12-24 hours and it much less problematic in the mean time.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Yeah, I don’t know whether I can blame age, or just this entire region of the country.

        But I never worried about my sinuses until I was in my very late 20s/early 30s (which coincides with when I moved from NJ to Texas).

        But now mine are terrible. I pretty much constantly have blocked sinuses, and OTC stuff only does so much.

        1. LilySparrow*

          The pollen and mold have been so bad since last fall that I’m now on daily maintenance antihistamine.

      2. Chaordic One*

        My migraines became much less frequent when I quit smoking. Also, I used to get migraines on smoggy days when I lived in Los Angeles, that was a significant thing.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Neti pots are awesome. Wierd at first, but very effective. The crucial thing for me was getting the right concentration of salt – too much or too little and it burns, just right and it feels fine.

      I had a hormonal migraine maybe twice in my life before age 40. Then, starting around age 42 I had one for 3 days every_dang_month. More aura than pain, I could usually work through it (not very effectively, but enough to keep my job). That lasted a couple of years and seems to have slacked off. I only have them a couple times a year now.
      Still not in menopause, but I assume I’ll be there within about 5 years.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        You couldn’t pay me to use a neti pot. Bleah. I would just puke. For sinus headaches, if I’m really stuffed up and can tell it’s from allergies, I take Alka Seltzer Plus Cold (the generic) and that will knock it right out. If it doesn’t work, I know it’s a migraine.

        I get one every fecking month when I’m about to get a visit from Aunt Flo. Usually it’s the day before but a few months ago, it lasted for a couple of days and that suuuuuucked.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I’ve had plenty of sinus headaches unrelated to menopause. I found that willow bark worked super good for getting the sinuses to drain and eliminating the headache. I get reliable results each time. Oddly aspirin did not work as well for me. YMMV, of course.

    5. Joie De Vivre*

      I have friends who use a neti pot & love it. For one friend it has made a huge difference in the amount and severity of her headaches.

      I tried it and found out after the fact that if you have blocked ears (or if you are susceptible to benign positional vertigo) you shouldn’t use one. By using the neti pot I ended up with one of the worst bouts of vertigo that I’d ever had. So I can’t use a neti even though I’d like to.

      Good luck with finding something for your headaches.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, interesting; I’ve got BPV sometimes but have never had problem doing a nasal rinse. Maybe my otoliths get shaken up by different positions than yours.

    6. Nerdgal*

      I had terrible ones and only found relief from HRT. Took then for about 4 years, then tapered off very gradually. I have very few headaches now.

  16. Rachel*

    Extremely mundane survey question: after doing the dishes, do you dry and put them away or leave them to dry on a dish rack?

    I’ve always let them air dry on the dish rack, but my new flatmate insists on drying them and putting them away straight away because he doesn’t like the sight of the dish rack.

    1. Marzipan*

      I leave them to dry, because I can’t be chuffed doing an extra thing that was going to happen anyway if I just left them alone.

    4. It’s All Good*

      Air dry. The few time I’ve helped dry as a guest I can’t seem to get them completely dry.

    5. Cruciatus*

      I let them air dry on the dish rack (unless, of course, it was something I was just about to use again). Our dish rack is always out (it sits in the left side of the sink) whether there are dishes in there or not. Unless space is a huge issue, it seems a bit of an imposition to put it away and get it out again every time you need to wash something.

    6. Dish Person*

      Let them dry. 1-because I live alone and am lazy, and 2-“they” say it’s more sanitary, so I go with it. ha!

    7. nep*

      Set them on a drainer pad/towel on the counter to dry. For me dishes are a lot cleaner if left to dry after a hot rinse rather than being wiped dry.

    8. Epsilon Delta*

      Depends on how much time I have. About half the time I leave them to air dry and the other half I put them away (that’s the way I was taught as a kid). Plus we have limited counter space.

    9. fposte*

      Air dry, totally. However, if somebody else was willing to do the hand-drying and putting away, I’d happily let her. (I hate putting away. Why is it so tedious?)

      1. Reba*

        I always have to coach myself into putting away. Come on, you know it really doesn’t take that long! It’s nice to have things in their places! Let’s go!

    10. MRK*

      Air dry, though I’ll often hand dry large pots/frying pans/mixing bowls since they tend to take up too much space in the dish rack

    11. KarenK*

      I do both, depending on how many dishes I have to wash. Prefer to air dry, also due to laziness.

    12. Red Reader*

      I hand-wash few enough dishes that I just dry them and put them away right away because I don’t want to have a dish rack taking up counter space. One of my housemates used to put wet dishes on the stove to dry out, but I put the kibosh on that right quick. *scowl*

      1. Red Reader*

        If I’m somewhere else though that a dish rack is already there and handwashing is required, I air-dry in the rack out of laziness. :P

    13. Lilo*

      When I was a kid, one person would wash and the other would dry. But as an adult, that’s a lot. Sometimes if my spouse and I are washing up together, we’ll dry at the same time, but when you’re by yourself, it’s a pain.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      When I last did any kitchen type work, NY health code said air dry is best, I believe. (This is going back years.) I leave mine to air dry because it saves me time. I can do something else and put them away in the morning while I am waiting for the coffee to drop down.

    15. Dopameanie*

      I asked my mom about that when I was like, 8, after helping dry dishes at a sleepover at my friends house.

      My mom looked at me with one raised eyebrow and said:
      My darling, if God Himself wants to help me with my chore list, who am I to deny Him the opportunity? He certainly allows me the chance to do all the rest of the heavy lifting.

      For whatever reason that has always stuck with me.

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If your roommate doesn’t like to see them drying on the dish rack, then they’ve signed themselves up to do dishes. Permanently.

      I have a dishwasher, thank goodness. whatever needs to be handwashed just air dries unless I need it.

      1. Nye*

        Yeah, this is how I feel. Dishwasher as top choice, air-drying for most things that have to be hand-washed, and a select few items get hand-washed and immediately dried and put away (mostly things with blades and/or wood). If Roommate wants everything immediately dried and put away, they can do it themselves. I wouldn’t change my dish-washing protocol.

    18. Bagpuss*

      air dry unless there is a lot to do and i need to put some away. I do dry delicate things like wine glasses to avoid breakages.

    19. TootsNYC*

      I put them away wet! They dry out in the cabinet, and I have plastic liners where it matters.

    21. Well-mannered Frivolity*

      I am completely in the minority here, but I almost always dry and put them away. To me, the water spots on the utensils are pure grease, and I need to polish them before they go in the drawer (so I might as well do it all at once). I’ve always done it this way, but when my in-laws lived with us for a year, and never dried their dishes, I realized how much I hate air-dried, and un-put-away dishes. I have now made a small concession, and purchased a narrow, slotted rubber mat to leave our daily glasses & coffee mugs (upside down, of course) to dry, post-rinsing, until tomorrow. Everything else goes in the dishwasher or is fully washed, dried and put away.

    22. Oxford Coma*

      Ongoing household argument. Spouse wants everything to air-dry because he says that even clean towels make the dishes “smell funny”. I think leaving dishes outside cabinets is unsanitary with dust and cat hair flying about, so I want to hand-dry.

    23. Cristina in England*

      My husband and in laws, when they are finished with any dish, wash it, dry it, and put it away. Even TEA CUPS! So if you have tea every hour or two, you have to go through the whole thing every time. We spend so much time on the dishes when we are there visiting. I call it the Scottish Tea Ceremony.

    24. HannahS*

      I leave them to air-dry, but now that I’m in an apartment with no room, I’ll probably have to dry + put away. But I hate drying dishes. I can never get them dry enough once the first one’s been dried, because now the towel is wet! So they’re going to partially air dry anyway.

    25. matcha123*

      I dry them as I wash them and then leave them out until I have time to put them away. Or, since I use the same dishes, wash and dry them at night and leave them out to grab and use for the next night and repeat until the weekend.

    26. N Twello*

      If your question is truly about air drying, then you would put the dishes away within an hour, when they are air dried. If I am correct in my suspicion that you wash the dishes and leave them in the rack for a day or more, then this is not about air drying: it’s about not liking to bother putting away the dishes.

      1. Traveling Teacher*

        Ooh, that really depends on where you live, timing-wise! I now live in a humid place, and the dishes do actually take hours to dry.

        1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          ^ Agreed. My dishes certainly don’t air-dry within the hour! Usually I leave them overnight and then put them away.

    27. D.W.*

      I dry and put away. I, too, hate the sight of the dish rack and can’t stand having things sitting on my counter unless they have to be there.

  17. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    …wish me luck, guys. About to run my first marathon tomorrow – if you haven’t picked up from the weekly threads I’ve been posting on the free-for-all posts! (Shooting for 2:50-2:55. NBD.)

    Thanks to everyone who’s checked in over the past month or thereabouts! Seriously, you guys (especially regs like The Librarian) have really been great to hear from and talk with. And to everyone else who’s racing this weekend, good luck – and most importantly, the time on the clock doesn’t matter as much as the miles in between. The most important thing is having the best race you can have.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Was just coming on here to wish you luck! All the best of luck to you tomorrow. Please update us if you have any energy afterward!

      It looks like you’re going to get perfect weather for running. You’re going to just miss an early May heatwave.

      I was running this morning and randomly thought of the time I reached mile 21 of the NYC Marathon and was so gassed that I thought a high school marching band playing along the course was playing the theme from Rocky when they were actually playing the theme from Shaft. Good times. Have a blast tomorrow!

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I’m expecting to either be dead, drunk, or both afterwards! (There’s a beer tent, apparently. That’s going to be my motivation if the wheels come off.) I might be able to post, depending on when I get my phone back, and hopefully it’ll be an awesome update.

        But seriously – thank you for always giving awesome advice and insight. It’s really helped me keep perspective on everything for the past month.

    5. Ruth (UK)*

      I’m a bit late commenting but good luck! You may have finished by now in which case well done!

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        The funny thing was – I finished about 10 minutes after you posted (since it shows that you posted 10:18 AM my time and I finished at 10:28 or 10:29 my time)!

  18. Hellanon*

    Fluffy Kitty gets her summer ‘do this morning, and I think we are all looking forward to the drop in household cat hair volume. Plus, I have them leave the little ball on the end of her tail, and it’s like an extra toy.

        2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          I love suede kitty! Dame Flufflepants is getting a bit old to be shaved at home — her skin is more fragile and less elastic, so it’s much easier to end up with nicks/cuts — but I’m hoping to find a good groomer who can take her on.

  19. Laura H*

    Hope y’all have a great weekend.

    I’m enjoying my new computer a lot. My next major task is transferring files from my old (but not dead yet-plug power still works) computer to my external hard drive. Then wipe the faithful device of 6 years and dispose of it properly.

    What is the best way to do the last two (wipe and safe disposal) things on that list?

    Thanks and I hope y’all have a restful weekend.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      What is the best way to do the last two (wipe and safe disposal) things on that list?

      Was your hard drive encrypted? If your hard drive was encrypted, just erase it, and that should be fine. The data won’t be recoverable. If you’re extremely paranoid, wipe it and then physically destroy it.

      That said, you don’t necessarily have to ditch the old drive just because you’re ditching your old computer. Take the drive out, buy an external enclosure for it (not expensive), and you now have another external hard drive.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Yeah, I was amazed how not expensive it was. Like $10. And it was easy to take out the hard drive and put it in the casing.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      For the hard drive, a “low-level format with a hammer” is the best thing if you realy don’t like the ghost of your data surviving. Otherwise there are some programs that will “shred” it (multiple passes of 1s or 0s) quite safely.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        If it’s a solid state drive, the multiple passes don’t really do much except wear down the life of the drive.

        There’s also a good case to be made that the Gutmann Method is overkill and one pass of zeros is fine enough, unless you have spy-level-desirable data on your drive.

        But, yes, to be absolutely sure, destroy completely physically.

    3. Gatomon*

      Download DBAN to wipe the drive. For fun, you can also dissemble it and use the platters as coasters! (Assuming it’s a HDD.)

      If you can find an electronics recycler, that’s the best way to dispose of it.

    4. Max*

      Depending on how not-dead it is, think about donating it to someone who might need it? After you’ve reformatted and wiped your HD of course.

      1. Laura H*

        Thing is that it’s not really functional as a laptop- I think I over discharged the battery- and thus it only runs on the plug in. And it’s slow, and showing it’s age. It’s done it’s job and I really don’t want to pass on my problems to someone else.

  20. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

    Fuck. Fuck everything. I was away at a spa with my mom this weekend and we’d been having such a nice time. And then she ruined it. Just before leaving today, we were out on a walk. And she said what is probably the most insulting thing she has ever said to me:

    “I need to say something, and it’s important. I really think you should lose weight. I feel sorry for you as you are now. “

    I spoke up then and told her that wasn’t something she could say.

    But I’m home again and though we’re supposed to go to a concert I really don’t want to.
    I want to make it very clear she crossed a line. I just.. don’t want to talk to her or see her for a while.

    1. NYC Redhead*

      Oh, I am so sorry. That’s really, really crummy. Really crummy. I think you’re justified in cancelling on the concert.

    2. Alice Ulf*

      UGH. I’m so, so sorry that she had to wreck everything like that with her entirely unsolicited and unhelpful opinion. Distancing yourself for a while is probably the best thing.

    3. It’s all good*

      Smh. I can’t believe she meant to hurt you purposely but she does need to realize how much she has. I would cancel the concert and hopefully she figures it out on her own ASAP . But if not, please tell her how you feel.

        1. MysteryFan*

          I understand how hurt you must feel, and I recall a similar incident with my Mom, when I really HAD gained about 40 “extra” pounds. She sighed, and said, “Oh, Honey, I wish you could get your figure back..”. It stung.. no doubt, but like you say, I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. I hope you and your Mom can work out a way to communicate around this issue.. and that she can figure out how not to say clumsy stuff!

          Sorry about your day..

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Ooof. I am so sorry.

      I think canceling the concert is a good idea. Text her and tell her that she can give your ticket to someone else.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I would hate for you to miss the concert if it’s something you’d otherwise like. That’s like punishing yourself for her mean words.

      And I can’t imagine why she thought it was so important to tell you that. You’re a grown person. How infantilizing and intrusive.

      Would it work for you to arrive separately and leave separately? Could you still enjoy the concert, or would it be spoiled by tension?

      I’m sorry you have to deal with that and I hope y’all can re-establish a better balance soon.

    6. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

      Update:
      I talked to her and it went horribly. She apologized for how she phrased it but not the sentiment. She didn’t get it. I got angry, we both cried, I’m still crying. My brother called and yelled at me with tears in his voice that didn’t I realize how much I’d hurt her?

      I feel awful and everything is awful

      She’s so fragile after all the stuff with the trials. I shouldn’t have done this to hee

      1. dr_silverware*

        That’s so difficult to deal with, and I’m sorry. Please know that even if she’s hurting she doesn’t get to hurt you, and no one is so fragile that they can’t be told “that hurt me, please apologize.” It sounds like you’re panicking right now and I understand why: someone who loves you and who is supposed to take care of you hurt you.

        This will be a really hard day for you and probably a hard week going forward. It is totally ok for you to not talk about it with your family right now.

        Do you have a partner or a friend you can call on to take care of you right now, even if you don’t want to tell them the details of what happened? Even just turning your phone off and wrapping yourself in an extremely fluffy blanket to read a comfort novel or watch a comfort movie?

        If you can’t do that, it’s ok. Drink a lot of water. This is a storm of hurt but you weren’t the one dealing it out. Best wishes in what I know will be a dark day.

      2. London Calling*

        *My brother called and yelled at me with tears in his voice that didn’t I realize how much I’d hurt her?*

        Did he realise how much she’d hurt you, or did that not register with him?

          2. London Calling*

            She feels bad, she won’t admit it, so she’s venting to brother and turning it round to being your fault.

      3. Mananana*

        I’m just so sorry to hear this. My mom would totally say something like this, then be horribly hurt if I were to point out how crappy it was. So I get it.

        As far as the concert, which feeling is stronger? The desire to avoid mom, or the desire to see the artist in question? If you think you may regret missing the show, then don’t punish yourself by not going. However, you can make it clear to your mom that you do NOT want to re-hash the issue, and simply want to enjoy the show.

        Whatever you decide, I hope you treat yourself kindly the rest of the day.

      4. DoctorateStrange*

        It’s not your fault. It’s her problem. If anything, it’s best to keep your distance to both your brother and mother.

        I have had to give the silent treatment to close relatives. It wasn’t easy. It never is. But the silent treatment had them apologizing to me, even we’ve had to “agree to disagree” with the topic that caused the strife in the first place. When the topic approached again, I gave them the silent treatment/distance again. I actually had to do it on two occasions before they altogether stopped discussing the issue with me and our relationship is normal again.

        I’m saying this to say that giving your family distance is not going to be easy the first time, but the more practice you do it, each time they cross boundaries, the less difficult it will get, especially as they learn what not to say to you.

      5. Detective Amy Santiago*

        You didn’t do anything to her.

        Take care of yourself right now. Make a cup of tea. Watch your favorite movie. Talk to someone who is 1000% Team You. Ignore anyone in your family right now until everyone has times to let their feelings settle.

      6. TootsNYC*

        “didn’t I realize how much I’d hurt her?”

        Woah, wait a minute–when do YOUR feelings get to matter? Why doesn’t SHE realize how much she hurt YOU?

        If your brother wants to help your mom feel better, he can pour oil on troubled waters and assure her that this will blow over, instead of lashing out and making MORE angst.

        1. AnonEMoose*

          This. What your brother did is not ok. And as TootsNYC said, what about the hurt your mother inflicted on you? Why does that not matter to either your brother or your mother? It might be worth thinking about whether this is a pattern with your mother – does she say nasty stuff and then make it all about her feelings when someone objects?

          It might be worth taking a bit of a break from both of them, if that’s something you want to do, and thinking about the patterns of your interactions with them. And whether you’re ok with how things are between the three of you in general. It’s ok for you to put your own mental and emotional health first.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      “Mom, I need to say something and it’s important. I can drop the weight and my problem is solved. YOU will still be a person who cannot accept people as they are and your problem will remain UNsolved. I feel sorry for you because of that, it will cost you relationships.”

      I know her remark stings, but sometimes we just have to hand it right back to them especially on things like weight. As a teen, I decided to lose weight. I was overweight at a time when everyone looked like pencils (at least to me). So I put a chart on my closet wall and kept track of how I was doing. I never mentioned it to my parents because… parents! One day, my father blurts out, “So when are you gonna drop that weight?” Without missing a beat, I said, “I have lost 25 pounds how many pounds have you lost?”
      He never, ever mentioned my weight again. He never lost his weight either. In the end, I think it was a contributing factor in his death, as he had a substantial fluid build up. I never said one word to him about his weight.

      I know that thinking of comebacks in situations with the parents is not easy. Remember this old standby, “Parent, I do not speak to you like that, because I do not expect to be spoken to like that!” This is a statement that fits a lot of different types of situations. We can’t help what other people say to us, but we can set boundaries with them.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Maybe visit Reddit’s JustNoMIL page. Mothers count.

      You don’t have to go to the concert. Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean they get a pass to be nasty.

    9. Kathy*

      She’s your mother, who would you accept concerns about your health if not her? Have you considered whether she has a point? Why does this have to be such an issue?

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        Nope, the only people who have any say about my body and health; me and my doctor.

        Does she have a point? None of your business.

        What gives you the right to speculate about my health?

        Since you don’t understand the issue, I’d appreciate if you didn’t comment anymore.

        2. Kathy*

          I wasn’t speculating about your health, I was asking whether your mother has reasons to worry about you.

      2. Mananana*

        Kathy, just because she gave birth to SSMC doesn’t give her the right to try to control SSMC’s body. It was NONE of mom’s business. At all. And it’s an issue because it is terribly rude to comment about someone’s body. End of sentence. No “unless you’re family” or “concerned about your health” exceptions nor exemptions. And to try to excuse mom’s behavior and minimize SSMC’s hurt is incredibly tone-deaf.

      3. Detective Amy Santiago*

        People can be healthy even if they are overweight. I am at least 50 lbs heavier than my mom, but I don’t have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

      4. Dan*

        It has to be an issue because Americans are full of shit when they veil concerns about someones appearance as a health issue.

        We’re all allowed to live life on our terms, our health choices are no one’s business but our own.

        If SSMC’s mother had standing to raise the issue, there would be an “organic” time to do it, and also a diplomatic way of doing so.

        1. Kathy*

          Here’s the thing though, I /don’t/ care about SSMC’s health, much like I don’t care about the health of most people I don’t know (and have never met). And given it is the US I don’t even have to care whether they’d be a burden on a public health system. So no, I don’t care about your weight, or your health. But her mother probably does, and that was what I was trying to point out. But if it’s easier to just assume the worst of everyone then you do you.

      5. TootsNYC*

        it doesn’t effing matter whether she has a point.

        Believe me, if SSMC is overweight, SSMC KNOWS THIS.

        And if SSMC needs motivation to care for her health in the matter of weight, the benefit to herself is the most powerful.

        Pointing out to someone that they’re overweight is NOT motivating. It’s NOT helpful.

        I’m not even sure that it’s correct to say, “she didn’t mean to hurt you.”

        1. TootsNYC*

          I just wanted to say–I have been the person who finally went to the doctor when someone said to me, “I’m worried about your symptom–have you seen a doctor? This can’t be good for you.”

          And so there are many instances where I *would* say to someone, “I’m worried about you about this health issue; please, please, take care of yourself.”

          But not weight.

          Just…not weight.

          IF IF weight is a problem, believe me, people know it. And it’s a fraught topic.

        2. ThatGirl*

          My MIL liked to harass her son (BIL) about his weight. She never said anything to me but I’m overweight too and I finally said to her, nobody needs to be told they’re overweight. It has never motivated anyone, and if someone could benefit from losing weight, they know it. (With an implied, so can it.) she sputtered a bit but never brought it up, at least around me, since.

    10. Be the Change*

      I remember once reading in a Miss Manners column, someone wrote, “What is a polite way to tell someone they need to lose weight?” Queen Judith wrote back, “What is a polite reason to say that at all?”

      So sorry, SSMC. That was a really crummy thing for anyone to say to you, let alone a family member.

      1. London Calling*

        Does this need to be said?
        Does this need to be said by me?
        Does this need to be said by me now to this person?

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m sorry. I have this sort of relationship with my mom and I don’t entirely trust that my brother would see my side of things. I tend not to bring it up. So I just want to say good for you for speaking up! It’s something I have not learned how to do. I admire that in you. Hold firm. You are worth kind words, always.

    12. TootsNYC*

      why do people do this? Do they think someone doesn’t know what they weigh–whether they’re skinny or overweight?

      If someone is truly overweight, and it’s damaging to them, BELIEVE ME, THEY KNOW!

      I think you’re totally entitled to simply not speak to her anymore on this trip. Say, “I’m not going to the concert–that was the most insulting thing you’ve ever said to me, and I don’t want to talk to you or see you for a while.”

      Call her on the phone and say it, and then hang up. And seriously, literally, don’t talk to her. Pick a time–like, maybe a month. And the rule is, no talking to mom for a month. At the end of that month, see how you feel.

      1. TootsNYC*

        And i see that you’ve spoken to her. Sorry, I posted this quickly.

        But I do think that taking a time out–just…be busy with other things–would be really good for you.

    13. I can commiserate*

      That really sucks. No one has the right to comment on your weight except *maybe* your doctor.

      Others have given good advice, so I’ll just commiserate about going to a concert after a nasty comment. One time, my MIL said to me and my then-fiance that she didn’t want us to get married (because I wasn’t the same religion as him). She said this over dinner and then she and I were supposed to go to a Bonnie Raitt concert together. I made it through the opening act, then “went to the bathroom” at the set break and texted her that I didn’t feel well and had to go home. I was so angry and just needed to cry and not be sitting next to her pretending everything was fine. (She came around eventually and supported our wedding, but it took years. I also converted to his religion a few years after the wedding.)

      1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        Update: (and seriously. Thank you for all the support yesterday. THANK YOU!)

        I slept ok, and woke up and was still sad. I also did feel bad for having gotten so angry with mom, even though I was right. I said some things that weren’t ok to her.

        I called and apologized for that, and she apologized for having said what she said. She didn’t quite manage it (she was just concerned for my health, yknow.)

        I’m not entirely satisfied with that conversation but my dad came over shortly after to talk.

        And we had one of the best convos we’ve ever had.
        He reminded me that she is hung up on weight and not rational about it. And validated me and my feelings, and did it without any fat shaming (which is something he has never managed.)

        He told me he’s reminded mom that 1) I’m in charge of my health 2) I know what I’m doing and I know more than they about health stuff and 3) she knows I’m on meds that make me gain weight and therefore it was absolutely pointless to bring it up.

        I’m ok with that. She was still out of line. Hopefully, she’s learned something

  21. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for a lingering stomach bug?

    I had gastric bypass about 4.5 years ago. Ever since then, I don’t vomit when I get a stomach bug. It’s basically a couple days of misery and diarrhea. It’s nice on the one hand to not be puking constantly, but on the other I feel like it hangs on longer than it used to. This time it started on Tuesday and Wednesday was the worst of it. Thursday was alternating periods of nausea, feeling like maybe I’m hungry, feeling empty, and feeling OK. A little better yesterday, but still feeling a little off in the stomach. And today I still feel it a bit. I just wish I’d feel normal again!

    1. periwinkle*

      Been there, done that, ugh. Lemon-ginger tea settles things down for both the nausea and that weird phantom hunger. Twinings and Stash both have excellent lemon-ginger teas.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Oh, that’s wretched! So exhausting.

      Scads of probiotics help, as does ginger. If you can’t stand yogurt yet (I don’t want dairy when I have the collywobbles), see if you can get your hands on some naturally fermented ginger beer – it has probiotics in it and the ginger, of course. I see it sometimes in stores that carry specialty cocktail mixers, though sometimes you can find it with natural sodas.

      Kombucha has them, too – but I can’t stand the smell when I’m healthy, much less with a dicey tummy.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have a ton of yogurt in the fridge, and I didn’t even think about that. I’m actually OK to eat for the most part, but get that weird hungry/empty/icky feeling every once in awhile.

    3. Kuododi*

      I have gastroparesis which means chronic nausea and vomiting. I have found Won Ton soup or that tacky cheap ramen noodle soup to be helpful when things are getting ugly. Something about the salt and carbs in the soup I find soothing on my distressed tummy. Feel better soon!!!

    4. ..Kat..*

      So, I don’t have any suggestions for how you feel now. I recommend trying to prevent stomach bugs in the future. Before preparing food or eating it, wash your hands really well with soap and water. You tend to get these bugs by touching contaminated surfaces and then touching your eyes, nose, mouth. I say use soap and water because many gastrointestinal illnesses are not killed by waterless hand gels. With soap and water (and scrub for 20 seconds) you are washing the germs down the drain. Dry your hands on a paper towel (or a fresh towel) and use the towel to turn off the faucet.

      Sorry for your misery now.

  22. cat advice?*

    I’ve had my cat for about a year and a half, adopted her from a shelter where she was listed as “high arousal.” She had fairly short fur at the time, but it turns out she’s got medium-to-long hair, and it gets matted like crazy. Obviously she’s pretty uncomfortable, and Does Not Like anyone manipulating the mats. She’s a terror at the vet’s and when we got some groomers to come to the house, they left cause she was not groomable–which I completely respect.

    She trusts my partner and me, in part because we respect her boundaries. She trusts us enough to let us trim her claws, but the mats are still a no-go with combs and stuff. We have some calming drugs from the vet for appointments.

    Would it be a terrible idea to try & trim her fur ourselves? Would all the mats have to come out before using an electric trimmer?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I had a persian who matted very badly and easily. We trimmed him ourselves with electric clippers specifically for animals. You can do the mats with them, too. Just make sure you start with the attachment that doesn’t cut close to the skin and then go from there. Even though my cat was very docile and actually used to enjoy us running a Dust Buster over him (he was a special snowflake LOL) it was still a two person job. Might be better with three people if your kitty is that hard to control. You might try having the vet do it. They’ll put them under anesthesia to do it. The other persian had to get his lions cut don’t that way because he fights it. We only get that done when he’s very matted and really needs it and brushing hasn’t done the job.

      1. cat advice?*

        Thank you! I’m hoping I don’t have to go to the vet for it; she’d have to have it done under anesthesia for sure. I think me and my partner should be able to work with her, but I’m definitely worried about accidentally hurting her–never had a longish-haired cat before, all my previous ones were short-haired and neat :)

        Do you have a brand recommendation for the clippers?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes, be very careful you don’t accidentally cut her skin. I don’t know what kind of cat it is, but some have very thin skin that cuts very easily. Persians have paper-thin skin, so we always used the blade/setting (can’t remember which it was) that would leave the hair a bit longer. Also, you should use the comb attachment. What it does is it combs through the hair while cutting, which can help get through the mats and lift the fur for easier cutting.

          The brand I have is Andis. I don’t know if there are better ones, since this is the only ones we’ve ever bought.

          If you want to try getting the mats out without clippers or the vet and you have someone to hold her down, you can try the Furminator brush. It’s a little pricey ($20-$30 i think), but it’s awesome at getting through mats and removing loose hair in general. You can get it at someplace like Petco or Pet Smart.

        2. Close Bracket*

          General anesthesia has some risks, so that is not the greatest solution. When I remove mats, it can take several go rounds with a single mat. I start by cutting *through* the mat and keep cutting bits off until I am at the skin. Once you have cut most of the mat off, the remainder kind of works itself out so you don’t have to tug at the skin. It’s easier if you run your fingers through the fur (or use a brush, but it feels so good to run your fingers through their fur) regularly, you can catch the mats when they are very small and easy to cut out.

    2. Coral*

      I have 2 cats with really long, thick fur and matting is a problem for them as well. I’ve usually been able to cut out most of the matting myself, either with scissors or with their nail trimmer (which, believe it or not, is easier). You of course have to be really careful to not cut their skin, and only attempt this when your cat is calm and not moving around. Make sure there’s enough space between the mats and the skin for you to cut it out, too.

      Once you get the mats out, you can give your cat a good brushing and keep up with the brushing to prevent more matting going forward. Consistent brushing really is the most important part. I have one of those brushes that looks more like a metal rake, and my cats LOVE being brushed with it as long as I’m gentle and don’t dig in too much. I have never used an electric trimmer though. I think my cats would be way too scared of the sound to remain still, so I would personally caution against it if your cat is the same.

      Does your vet do grooming? We always take our cats to the vet to be groomed, since they’re generally better equipped to deal with stressed out cats, whereas mobile groomers will usually not bother if the cat is difficult to control. The vet might also be able to sedate them before grooming. Good luck!

      1. cat advice?*

        Thank you! The nail clippers to cut out mats is a really good idea. I’m still trying to find a good brush for her–the one she likes best now is actually a brush that I’ve used, which is pretty funny :)

        1. Schmitt*

          I use the rake-looking comb to put between the skin and the matted fur before I use the scissors on it, so that I don’t accidentally nick the skin. Admittedly, it takes a certain amount of finesse if you’re doing it alone.

          It took a good while for our cat to get used to brushing and to be patient with me when getting mats out. Small but consistent was the key – I would brush her for a couple minutes then turn her loose and give her treats. Or cut just one mat out and then turn her loose and give her treats.

    4. Melody Pond*

      My 15 year old cat is prone to nipping and biting when she’s handled in ways she doesn’t like. She doesn’t get mats that often, but I couldn’t try to tackle them, or even trimming her claws, without drugs. (She isn’t able to keep her nails trimmed enough, and last year, when I finally got an up-close look at her paws, I was horrified to discover that her nails had grown into the pads of her toes!)

      Luckily, I got our vet’s blessing to drug her up with an appropriate dose of gabapentin once every 1-2 months, to keep her nails trimmed, and to take care of the mats that tend to accumulate on her belly. She turns into a little ragdoll, and I kind of feel bad about it – but there’s just no other way we can take care of her basic grooming needs.

      I would ask your vet about using something similar (or even the same thing? I think we use 50 mg of gabapentin, and you have to wait a couple hours for it to really kick in), and ask for your vet’s blessing to use it at home every so often to take care of grooming her properly. Then just be as gentle as you can, while tackling the mats, of course.

      Good luck!

      1. cat advice?*

        We do have some gabapentin, yeah. We’ve used it a couple times for vet appointments (unfortunately messed up the timing) and some urgent nail clipping, though now she’s used to being burritoed so we can clip her nails while she’s toweled up. We’ve got the vet’s blessing to use it but I’ll definitely confirm that we’re using it responsibly and with enough space in between.

    5. Bagpuss*

      I’d say give it a go and see what she will tolerate.
      We used to have a cat who had long hair, and who didn’t tolerate grooming. When she was young she groomed herself but when she got old and stiff she couldn’t, and would not let us do it.
      We found we could cut out any mats using scissors. She looked awful and patchy, but was comfortable and un-stressed, so it worked (and unlike clippers, no noise, vibration or anything, so much less intrusive / stressful for the cat)

    6. Oxford Coma*

      We have a Wahl just for the cats. I am super careful to avoid skin nicks by using both a blade attachment AND holding a plastic comb against the skin while running the blade above the comb.

      Success with a trimmer depends on how close the mats are to the skin. If they’ve formed deep down, you may not be able to get under them with the head of a trimmer. If you need to go in manually, definitely use the comb-against-the-skin trick. Working the comb in at the roots helps to loosen the knots a bit, while also protecting them. Their skin is like paper, FFS.

      Also, I much prefer the corded trimmer we have to a battery-operated one. It keeps a steady level of power and speed at all times. The old one we used would start to slow down, and we ended up yanking the fur a few times before we realized the batteries needed changing.

  23. It’s All Good*

    My brother is flying alone internationally tomorrow so he needs to get to the airport early. He suffers from PTSD and general anxiety around crowds and is nervous about the wait before boarding. He can’t have anyone with him, as you know, beyond the gate. The last time he flew it was international 5 years ago. A lot of us plan on having a text fest with him during his wait to engage him. Any coping ideas for him while he is waiting and on the plane (the last time he flew he said he would never do it again). Thank you.

    1. nep*

      I find EFT tapping quite calming. Has he ever tried it? I reckon one would want to get in a private, quiet spot but hell, I’d do it anywhere now.
      Best wishes to your brother–it’s a lot to take on. May all go well.

    2. PeakVincent*

      Does he find music or podcasts comforting? I hate flying (but love going places, so you do what you gotta do!) and I tend to go to the airport with my phone fully stocked with music, podcasts, audiobooks, and ebooks so I can completely focus on that, and have lots of options to choose from if something isn’t working. I tend to find traveling stressful as I move through the airport but less so once I’m at the gate—it may seem counterintuitive, or not make sense for him, but maybe getting there EARLY would help, so he can stake out a seat near an outlet close to his gate, put his bag on the seat next to him to ensure a little bit of crowd control for as long as possible, and then all he has to do is kill some time. I wish him the best of luck and happy travels!

      1. It’s all good*

        Thank you. He is using an old cell home to text only. Not sure if it’s a smartphone I will check.

    3. fposte*

      Is he in any kind of treatment for managing the anxiety? Usually they give you focusing techniques for higher stress situations. Controlled breathing is a big one–in through the nose for 5 seconds, out through the mouth for 7, for instance. I would also encourage him to give himself tasks and missions. Gamifying-type tasks that involve him being up and moving around (the terminals are usually pretty substantial) can be really good, because walking is often better than sitting and a goal focuses the mind. Walk the terminal and count the shops. How many non-black rollaboards can he tally? How many languages can he hear? It’s also worth seeing if there’s somebody he can be helpful to–is there somebody with a few kids and their hands full whose stuff he could hold or help carry?

      1. It’s all good*

        Thank you. I will share with him.

        I read about the 4-7-8 breathing technique on another AAM post. I will send him a link.

      2. It’s all good*

        Thank you for your time. I’m an anxious flyer (I quit for over a decade) but with taking care of the kids it’s usually an enough distraction. If not, hubby always knows what to do to to ground me (not sure what, those episodes are a blur) so I haven’t any specific suggestions for him.

        1. It’s all good*

          ^ was supposed to be a reply to my post, so it’s out of order sorry for confusion, if any.

    4. PapiDoc*

      Most decent sized airports have a chapel. Whether he is religious or not, in my experience there are rarely people there, and it’s a nice, quiet place to relax and read before the flight begins to board.

      1. Reba*

        Ooh that’s a good idea. I was also going to suggest looking into a day pass for the airline lounge — though in busy airports, those can also get full — and downloading an engrossing movie or show onto his device.

    5. Coral*

      I can’t speak to the PTSD aspect of it as I have no experience with it, but I travel a lot and find that reading, eating, and playing games (i.e. brain teasers, sudoku, crosswords) really help me kill the time. Maybe he could pack lots of snacks, put some headphones on and read or solve puzzles. For the waiting part, if you get to the gate earlier, it’s usually less crowded and easier to find a seat in the corner by yourself. You can set your bags down on the chair next to you so that nobody sits there, and 99% of the time people will leave you alone.

      Once he’s on the plane, international flights always have those small personal TVs in the seat-back, with lots of shows/movies to choose from (I’m assuming it’s a long flight and not a short journey from the US to Canada, for example). Aisle seats are always less confining than middle or window seats, and you can get up at any time without having to talk to anyone and ask them to move, though he might get asked to move himself, so there’s that. Also, if it is a long flight (8+ hours) he could do what my sister does, which is pop a sleeping pill and pass out the whole trip! lol

      Good luck to him!

      1. It’s all good*

        Thank you. It’s the waiting part until he boards that is the worst for him. He does watch movies and has a drink or two once he is flying for distraction (13 hour flight).

    6. NYC Redhead*

      My noise-cancelling headphones make waiting and flying much more pleasant. I often just listen to the white noise.

    7. Lindsay J*

      Is is possible for him to pay for a day pass for a lounge?

      Or if he has an American Express Card, some (all?) of them give you access to the American Express Centurion lounges.

      They’re generally less crowded than hanging out at the boarding areas. (Though depending on the lounge and the location they are still crowded).

      Similarly, some airports have little spa areas with private rooms you can pay for.

      Also, there are sit down restaurants – some with table service, some that are cafe style where you order at a counter and get a number and they bring you the food. Some are crowded, some are really not. If I’m not traveling with my boyfriend and using his lounge access, this is what I generally do – go to an uncrowded restaurant, get breakfast or lunch, and then sit on my laptop and nurse a beer or coffee until it’s close to my flight time.

      For on the plane, possibly check to see what the price is to upgrade to economy plus or whatever that specific airline calls it. You get more leg room and generally less narrow seats, which helps with not feeling like people are right on top of you.

      If it’s a long flight, maybe some zzquil or similar drug to knock him out so he can sleep most of the flight?

      1. It’s all good*

        Thank you. He is financially restricted but otherwise those are helpful suggestions

    8. Dopameanie*

      Not gonna lie, I scored 3 Xanax off a bartender and zombied my way through my last international flight.

      Pro: easiest solution EVER

      Con: illegal

      Can highly recommend.

      2. Red*

        This works for me every time, but I do have a prescription. If illegality is a deterrent, have him ask his doctor! My mom’s doc was perfectly willing to give her a few Valium for flying.

    9. Courageous cat*

      I have panic attacks and need Klonopin to fly so I always recommend that, but past that, there’s a cell phone game called Osmos that I play whenever I fly that has very calming ambient music and is relatively slow-paced and meditative. I think I may have read he’s using an old cell phone – but if he has access to a smart phone, I recommend it so so much for anxiety. It’s enough to keep you engaged without stressing you out.

    10. Mallows*

      Apparently there is a thing called an escort pass that you can ask for at the ticket counter, if you’re with a disabled person. Maybe that is possible? Link in next comment.

    12. Tim Tam Girl*

      It may be too late for this flight, but I can highly recommend the VALK anxiety app if he has a smartphone or iPad. It’s specifically geared toward fear of flying but I find it very helpful in many situations as it talks you through coping with stress, anxiety and fear, including exercises you can do subtly and in confined spaces. It also has a ‘panic button’ that will start a guided meditation/exercise.

      It’s been very helpful for me since I developed my flying anxiety because it’s based on the idea that fears are not facts and it gives you practical tools as opposed to abstract soothing. It directly addresses a number of common flight/travel fears with calmly-stated factual information, which works brilliantly for me; and it’s divided into pre-flight, take-off and in-air sections that give you information and suggestions specific to each period. As I said, it’s been so helpful that I’ve used it in non-travel situations as well.

      I think it costs US$4 but there are no in-app purchases, and I think you could gift it (or the cost of it) to him via iTunes.

  24. PeakVincent*

    I’m visiting Nashville for the first time this weekend! Any must-sees or local favorites?

    Less specifically, what’s your favorite US city to visit?

    1. Cookie Monster*

      Yessss my city. For BBQ, go to Martin’s, do not go to Edley’s. Hatch Show Print downtown is really incredible, great art. I love the Olive & Sinclair tour over in East Nashville, they’re only on Saturdays but you may still be able to book one today – they’re a local bean-to-bar chocolate company. City House is incredible, go for the belly ham pizza with the egg. Frothy Monkey and Bongo Java / Fido are good local coffee places. If you want a cute neighborhood to walk around in that’s not 12th South or the Gulch, Hillsboro Village is lovely.

      1. Cookie Monster*

        Oh as an addendum to this, if you’re downtown, the Nashville Public Library has an amazing exhibit upstairs on the sit-ins in Nashville and the civil rights movement here. (Rep. John Lewis went to high school here!)

        1. Dryroasted*

          Another nashvillian here. Those are all good suggestions! I love martin’s barbecue. Edley’s is fine. Not bad, but martin’s is better. I like taking people to loveless cafe which is very touristy but also good. Arnold’s is a pretty famous meat and three. If you like spicy food, you should try some hot chicken! Prince’s is the original.

    2. Star Nursery*

      I enjoyed going to Joe’s Crab shack when I was there. Depends if you like seafood options though!

    4. The Original K.*

      I love New Orleans. It has an energy unlike any other city I’ve visited or lived in.

    6. Bluebell*

      I loved the Parthenon with the painted Athena. Totally wasn’t expecting something like that in Nashville. Cheekwood was also nice to visit. Plus the Johnny Cash museum. Enjoy!

  25. Loopy*

    Who is good at decor? I just scored a badly needed solid dining room/kitchen table with six chairs at Goodwill for 90 dollars (!!!!!) But it has some obvious scratches on the top. It’s so sturdy that I’m determined to work around those for the price. Should I go with a table cloth, table runner, or placemats? Can one do both a runner and placemats? I’m not feeling a tablecloth and can’t pinpoint why. Help, AAM friends!!

    1. Coral*

      Yes, you can do a runner and placemats! Also, depending on how “fancy” you want it to look, beaded tablecloths are really nice — you can cover up any blemishes without that boring look that fabric tablecloths can sometimes have. Have you considered sanding down the tabletop and refinishing it? You could also get one of those wood markers if the scratches aren’t too deep — might help make them somewhat less noticeable.

      1. Loopy*

        It’s kind of too country looking to go the fancy route and it’s a light wood so I was thinking maybe a light blue. What do rural country kitchens look like???

        I’m terrible/have no interest in any DIY measures so I think covering it up will suite me better. We dont have company often, so I’m not bothered, haha..

    2. Fiennes*

      Maybe get an *awesome* tablecloth? I don’t like plain ones, but I have 5 from Saffron Marigold (Indian textiles) that I love. It’s worth checking out the site, really—

      1. Loopy*

        That site is awesome! I just spent 425 dollars on tires today though so I’ll have to bookmark it for later. Thanks for sharing, I never would have found that otherwise!

    3. FrontRangeOy*

      I have a family history with furniture repair. My favorite quick fix is danish oil. It comes in a range of standard wood finish colors so pick the one matches closest. The directions are all on the back of the can but basically, you rub it in with a soft clot and let it dry. Generally, 2 or 3 coats, about 24 hours apart, will reduce scratches or make them invisible.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ll have to come back to this. My dad asked me what kind of the wood the table is and I couldn’t even guess. I’m awful at matching any shades/colors so I’d need assistance but it would be a good project to come back to when I can drag my fiance along to the store! For now I’ll settle for a quick fix!

    4. Chocolate Teapot*

      Runner and table mats could work. How about a patterned runner with plain table mats in one of the colours?

      As for scratches, is there a way for them to be polished out? I know you can have furniture “dipped and stripped” to remove old varnish etc, but I suspect it will be more expensive than what the table cost. Or I have seen there are special wax fillers (brown crayons basically) which can be used to cover up the scratches.

      1. Loopy*

        I’ve been told furniture polish will help to some extent. I’m going to get some basic stuff and see if it does *anything*. I think I’ll go with covering up for now and maybe ome back around to directly dealing with the scratches later.

    5. TootsNYC*

      I did once find a furniture refinisher who specialized in repairs, and he refinishing only the top of my buffet. I remember it not being terribly expensive (“not terribly expensive” is such an amorphous concept; I tend to be kind of cheap, but I also am not in any financial bind, so…).

      That might be worth looking into.

      But meanwhile, covering them up is nice as well.

      What shape is the table, and where are the scratches?

      (I personally would probably just live with the scratches, bcs my table is covered with junk except for mealtimes.)

      1. Loopy*

        I don’t think the table is worth any more effort than covered just because it’s clearly had a few previous lives. I think I’ll have to settle for a mix of covering and getting over the scratches.

    6. Loopy*

      Update: Went out and got some basic polish/cleaner for the table and a 14 dollar runner. I was dismayed that once I really got to cleaning the table the imperfections were more extensive than I had realized and I’m not sure why, but I’m taking it hard. It’s scratched and scuffed way more than I realized.

      In hindsight, for a used 90 dollar table, it’s honestly still fine. I’m trying super hard to gain perspective: it’s solid word and sturdy. It has a leaf included and can seat six. It’s a light wood color that goes really well with the room and unless you’re sitting at it, it looks *perfect*. It has a super cool drawer I adore. This is a *super* expensive year for us so really, it wouldn’t have been a good idea to spend any more and our previous set’s chairs were literally falling to pieces. When we had guests we only had two out of four seats that were fit for anyone to use, so we’d take the awful chairs. For now, it’s an improvement.

      But I am still sad to see my original assessment wasn’t so great. Also I got a runner and seemingly forgot I hate stripes. The runner is stripey. I don’t know what I was thinking, but it does cover the most obvious scratches well. Despite doing it’s job… stripes :(

      This table has consumed my entire Saturday….

      1. Loopy*

        Also for perspective when I say table for 90 dollars I actually mean the table and all six chairs was 90. I mean 90 dollars for a full *actual wood* wood dining set?! Why am I so bummed that’s it’s scratched and scuffed? New dining table sets costs at least 500.

      2. DrWombat*

        You could maybe get some fabric from Spoonflower and make a custom runner or tablecloth, if you have access to a sewing machine you can hem it with! Or wait for JoAnns to have a big sale and do similar.

    7. Talvi*

      How deep are the scratches, and how much time and effort are you willing to put in? If they’re not too deep, you could try stripping the varnish and sanding down the scratches (then re-staining and re-finishing it, of course).

      1. Loopy*

        I get very anxious around DIY, unfortunately- and I’m pretty consistently bad at it! I’m trying to reframe how I see the table. It’s had previous lives and that’s actually kind of cool. I wonder how old it is and where it’s lived before me. I’m trying to re-categorize them as character, rather than terrible flaws to be fussed over.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I had a crazy scratched and faded set of drawers in a furnished apartment that drove me nuts. I found some colorless shoe polish and used that on it, which made a surprisingly big difference!

      Also $90 is a pretty good price. Maybe decide that one of these days you’ll renovate the table some more and put the damage out of your mind for now?

  26. Coral*

    Anyone have any recommendations for candles or diffusers that have a strong scent that fills the room? I feel like no matter how much I spend, all the candles and diffusers I buy are never that fragrant :( With diffusers especially, they never seem to produce any fragrance unless I’m like 2 feet away. I like fruity/citrusy scents, like mango, orange, etc. – any recommendations would be appreciated! Thank you!

    1. nep*

      I’ll be interested in responses here. I used to use incense but don’t like the effects of the smoke on walls and fixtures over time. I love the scent of some candles but I cannot stand the odor when you blow out a candle — ruins the entire thing for me, that lingering smell of the extinguished wick.
      I’ve been putting tea tree oil on a cotton ball in bathroom instead of using incense. So far I like it.

      1. ainomiaka*

        I get candles in a jar with a lid to deal with that scent. It seems to be much less in that case.

          1. Courageous cat*

            And not only that, but don’t even blow it out and then cap it – just cap it while the flame is still going strong. The flame will extinguish almost immediately and you won’t smell ANYTHING.

    2. PeakVincent*

      I like Bath & Body Works 3-wicks! I can’t vouch for their fruity ones, but I’ve found they fill up the space quite well, especially if you’re willing to light all 3 wicks at once. And when you catch them on sale, they’re not too pricey!

      1. Kuododi*

        Speaking as a former BBW employee….(just one of those pt jobs to keep extra $$$ coming in the house.)…. I would highly recommend their candles over other products. The candles are vegetable oil with soy wicks so there isn’t such a problem with soot and smoky residue. Also on a personal note, I find their scents to be less overwhelming and more long lasting. (I’m one of those people with a hypersensitive nose. For me, scents need to be subtle.). DH sz I have a “bionic nose.” But again…that’s my issue. Best wishes.

        1. DrWombat*

          Any suggestions for a soyfree kind? I don’t keep soy products in the house due to health reasons, and it seems like all the candles I find are soy-based. And I admit, even changing my clothes as soon as I get home, my apartment still smells like cow ><

          1. Kuododi*

            Oh no my apologies…. I haven’t been at the store in a couple of years. I was always pleased with the BBW products and didn’t do any personal comparison beyond their stuff. Best wishes!!!

              1. Kuododi*

                Cool…have a wonderful week!!! Hope you are having wonderful weather in your little corner of the planet!!! Blessings!!!

    3. soupmonger*

      I’m in the UK and the best scented candles I’ve discovered are Lily-Flame. The candles throw off a strong scent, and the scents are clean. My favourite is ‘citrus’, a lovely clear orange scent, and ‘fresh linen’ which smells like clean washing. They do a lot of flowery scents which aren’t for me but if you like florals, I can imagine they’d be lovely.

    4. Reba*

      I have the diffuser with sticks from Williams Sonoma — a relative gives me one every couple years as a gift — I think it is the white floral or something scent? Gardenia, jasmine, a little citrus. I actually use about half the sticks it’s packaged with because I find it pretty strong!

    5. Nicole76*

      Yankee Candles are much stronger than most brands I’ve tried – even their tealights seem to fill a decent-sized room in my experience. I like trying the smaller ones before committing to a larger size. They have a large selection of scents to choose from so I’m sure you’d find something you like.

    6. Ermintrude Mulholland*

      Have you considered buying an actual plug in diffuser and a bottle of your favourite essential oil? Fills the room with scent, no smoke marks.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I’m actually pretty averse to incense and most “smelly stuff”, but I’ve had good experiences with kitchen candles from Williams-Sonoma and Mrs Meyers. Their lemon or lemon & basil scents made the whole kitchen smell fresh, even out into the next room, without being an overwhelming cloud.

      Apologies if you’re already taking this into account, but have you checked for sensory saturation? You lose the ability to smell even a very strong aroma pretty quickly because your brain blocks it out. I used to live downwind of a paper mill (an absolutely choking pong), and nobody in town could smell it unless you went on vacation and then returned.

      I’ll often visit folks who have many layers of scent in their house that seem quite strong to me. But they’ll light a candle or something, because they can’t perceive what’s already there.

      Have you tried clearing your palate after the candle’s been going a while? Going outside for a while or smelling something like coffee beans can reset your nose.

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      We used a Lampe Berger to combat our cat odors throughout our basement. It is kind of a diffuser, but you burn the wick for two minutes to activate it. There is a neutral scent option, too. Or you can mix the neutral scent with the other scents to make them less strong.

    9. Courageous cat*

      Bath and Body Works will definitely do it for you. If you want to spend more money, Diptyque.

  27. aarti*

    I wrote in two weeks ago about a late period, possible pregnancy and feeling generally frustrated with the situation. I got such great internet love/advice and it really felt so good. Thank you to everyone who commented!

    Quick update: I got my period (18 days late!!). My partner and I ended up talking quite a bit after this, good conversations about when we want to have kids.

    I also wanted to thank the lovely human who recommended the Period Repair Manual (https://www.amazon.in/Period-Repair-Manual-Treatment-Hormones-ebook/dp/B00SCIVMCM) I’m sorry I don’t remember who it was!! This book has seriously blown my mind. I’ve learned so much about period healthy that I am almost embarrassed to say at 30 years old I did not know. So I’m sharing the link here again for anyone interested.

    Love and menstrual health y’all

    1. ggg*

      This must be good, because at your link the Kindle edition is $449 and the paperback is $1600. :)

      Amazon pricing algorithms are super fun.

      1. ggg*

        Never mind, I am just now seeing that it is in a different currency.

        Recently I was looking for a used book for my kids and the first link listed the price upwards of $1000. But I was able to get it for 99 cents from another seller.

  28. Ms. Gullible*

    I reluctantly agreed to letting my ex have the kids for the other weekend with the strict stipulation it would not be overnight and his girlfriend was not to be there. Saturday they were only there for couple of hours when he asked m to come get them as he didn’t have anything for them. Neither of them had been changed in nearly 5 hours by the time I got them home and my baby had went the entire time without a bottle. Stupidly, I agreed to let them go back the next day as he stated he would get what they needed. He did not get our baby formula and said his sister would get. When I called around baby’s bottle time, I found out his girlfriend got the formula and was over. So I’ve been furious. We had discussed before this incident them coming this weekend to spend time but I said absolutely not since he completely disregarded our agreement. Now I’m a s***** person and a $2 w****(I had put on makeup for once when I picked them up. I was sooooooo bored without my kids.).

    I wish this court process moved faster.

    1. Tuna Casserole*

      I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. All I can say is document everything.

    2. Nesprin*

      Document document document. This is a solid reason to never let him have custody again.
      An observation: people are at their most viciously self righteous when they know they’re in the wrong. So it may help to rephrase his obnoxiously horrible insults as admissions that he knows he funked up and is trying to push your buttons so you’d bring yourself down to his level. I find ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is the most highhanded way to avoid drama.

      1. Thlayli*

        Agree – keep notes and records of everything especially the texts and so on. Not giving a baby a bottle or changing them for 5 hours is neglect.

        1. Phrasing*

          **five house**’ wow. Even a toddler or someone that on the upper edge of diapers needs one more than that!

          Our state mandate for childcare is every 2 hours OR a poop/noticeably wet diaper, whichever is first. My just turned 2 y/o probably has an occasional stint where she has andry diaper for 5 hours but 9/10 times she needs one every 2-3. Complete neglect.

      2. TootsNYC*


        Document document document. This is a solid reason to never let him have custody again.
        An observation: people are at their most viciously self righteous when they know they’re in the wrong. So it may help to rephrase his obnoxiously horrible insults as admissions that he knows he funked up and is trying to push your buttons so you’d bring yourself down to his level.

        I agree so much! When he lashes out like that, remind yourself that it’s because he KNOWS he was wrong.

    3. only acting normal*

      You’re not at s***** person. You are a normal person who cannot FATHOM how a parent could allow their own infant child to go without food, and to sit in a wet and/or dirty diaper needlessly, because they couldn’t prepare some very basic supplies in advance of a pre-arranged visit. You’ve learned that you can’t apply normal standards of behaviour to him wrt your children (you probably already knew this wrt yourself, or he wouldn’t be ex).
      As others have said, this was neglectful, he is not to be trusted, document, document, document.

  29. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I need to do some serious purging of my apartment. Has anyone ever rented a dumpster for residential use? I looked into it a little and was just wondering what was reasonable cost wise.

    1. fposte*

      I haven’t, but I’m impressed at your commitment level! I’m definitely a sprinter when it comes to weeding.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Well, I’m really lazy and I’m thinking that if I spend the money to rent one, it’ll make me actually do something.

        1. TootsNYC*

          I think like you!

          I’ve been known to ask someone to help me declutter, because if they give up their time to come over on a Saturday, I know I have to stick with it.

    2. OperaArt*

      I have. I don’t remember the price, but there was some advice given to me I’d like to share.
      Have all your junk ready to go before the dumpster arrives. As soon as it’s delivered, fill it up with your discards. If you don’t, you might find it starting to be filled with other people’s trash.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Totally agree with making sure you have a bunch of stuff to throw in right away. It’s amazing the things that show up in your dumpster when it’s out on the street. People think it’s an invitation to toss all their junk in and they don’t have to pay. At the current house our driveway is big enough so we didn’t have that problem this time around.

    3. Merci Dee*

      Never rented a dumpster or anything. But I had seen lots of commercials over the years for Bagsters, through Waste Management. You go to a local home improvement store, but as many of the Bagsters as you need. Fill them at your leisure, then schedule pick-up with Waste Management. They hold up to 3,300 pounds each, and cost about $150 to haul away. They’ve got a website with more info — thebagster (dot) com. They may or may not service your area, but you can check from the website.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Depends on how much stuff you have. We rented a 20 yard dumpster for something around 350.00 I think. It was a good size. You can get a 30 yard for more but make sure you have enough room for it.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I had to, to clean out my rental unit when some tenants peaced out in the middle of the night and left EVERYTHING. It was about $200, including delivery and pickup, as I recall.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Somebody in my neighborhood needs to do this. All the rubbish is piled all over the lawn near the street and up by the house, and it’s blowing all over people’s yards. It’s not on my street, but I do walk by it every time I take my walks, and it’s GROSS. The city tagged it and nobody has done anything yet.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          It might depend on the laws. There is a house in my city that is essentially used as a boarding house, and the alley behind is FULL of garbage, to the extent it made the news, neighbours interviewed, the whole thing. The mayor does a monthly phone-in on a local radio station and three people called and emailed in. I guess the process is, file complaint —> city issues a ticket and tells homeowner to clean it —> city issues a fine —> city picks it up and bills homeowner via property taxes. Your person might still be on step one.

    6. Lora*

      Yeah, think I paid $300-500 depending on size. Did a major clean-out of old furniture that was too dog-destroyed for Goodwill, half-empty dried out paint cans, sort of thing.

    7. Twisted Knickers*

      Another option you might want to consider is a service like 1-800-GOT-JUNK. They come with a big truck and load everything into the truck for you and take it away. Some of them also try to recycle items if they can. I used them once when I moved, and so did my sister-in-law – we were both really happy with the service.

      1. Lillie Lane*

        +1 on the 1800GotJunk truck. My husband set up the pickup and he was very pleased. You pay for the amount of space in the back of the truck. They can also help with loading. We recommended it to people like my in-laws who are in poor health and can’t easily lift heavy furniture, etc.
        We also used a Bagster and that was good for a clean out over time (throw stuff in there as you clean) but if you don’t have a yard to put it in, it would be a more difficult option.

    8. Traveling Teacher*

      Depending on what you’re getting rid of, there might be charities who will come and help you take it away, as well. I was going to bite the bullet and hire someone to remove an old washing machine (that still technically worked, but only on the wool cycle) :/ ), plus random bits like broken knives and a few truly broken small appliances (like the handed down family microwave from 1982, thing is a behemoth!). Don’t have a car, so it’d been accumulating in my basement space.

      I googled, though, and I found a charity nearby that, for a relatively small fee, will come and help you take away all of your large-ticket, possibly repairable items, plus metal stuff and CDs / DVDs for recycling. My fee was only around 70 euros total, and they even removed the two big items out of the basement for me, all for about the same the cost it would have been to rent a van to drive it all to the dump myself (yikes!). And, it helps support a local charity that does free job training.

      I totally get that sometimes it’s a thousand percent easier to just throw it all away, though!

  30. Forking Great Username*

    My four year old was diagnosed with autism this week. I’m reeling and trying to figure out what this all means and kind of grieving the “normal” childhood I’d hoped he would get to have. I’m also already pissed off with some of the family members I have told who are majorly in denial and insisting that he doesn’t seem autistic, it’s just normal kid stuff, etc. Nevermind the fact that they’re not the ones who are with him daily seeing his struggles, apparently they know better than psychologists and autism specialists. I understand the impulse to not want anything to be “wrong” with him, and I understand he blends in fairly easily since he’s high functioning. But the denial mindset is just so unhelpful, and I know exactly where it will lead – to the idea that if I just gave him more discipline and didn’t put up with it, his challenging behaviors would magically disappear.

    I’m finally graduating this weekend, and it feels selfish, but honestly I wish the official diagnosis had come next week – I’m trying to not let this loom over my head while trying to celebrate this degree I’ve worked so hard for.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I don’t have any advice to offer but if it helps, please know that I have multiple friends who are autistic, and although a lot of things in their lives will never be “normal” per se, they are still living happy, successful, fulfilling lives. Romantic partners, successful careers, good educations, devoted friendships — all of these things are still on the table for your son, I’ve seen it happen.

      I’m sorry your family is being difficult. Reminding them that they don’t see him all day every day like you do, and they don’t have the training and knowledge that the experts have, may actually help. Also reminding them that autism isn’t an insult or accusation they need to defend him from, and pretending his mind works differently than it does won’t be a favor to him.

      Best of luck with it all, and congratulations on your degree!

    2. Lilo*

      The good news is, you got an early diagnosis, so there are a lot of early interventions that will stave off issues. The thing is, this doesn’t have to mean he doesn’t have a full childhood. As you mentioned, he’s high functioning. Keep an open line of communication with your doctor, and speech therapy and reading help him.

      I had a friend in college who was high functioning autism – he was a little awkward, it was always obvious he’d rehearsed his social conversations, but he was genuine about caring and was a massively popular guy for that reason.

      Support him, listen to your doctors, but don’t despair. With proper support, a high functioning kid will be just fine.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Congrats on the degree!

      I’m sorry your relatives are being unhelpful. I suppose it’s normal that you’re further along in the process than they are, but I hope you have some good resources to get the support you need that they aren’t ready to give.

      I know you’re reeling, but it can be such a relief and help to know what’s really going on and have access to real, practical help. I hope the diagnosis opens the right doors for you and your precious little one.

      Hugs!

    4. Tuna Casserole*

      It’s normal, and endlessly frustrating, for friends and family to downplay a diagnosis. They are trying to make you, and themselves, feel better. But it really doesn’t help. Getting that diagnosis can be a real kick in the gut. Give yourself time to grieve, read up about autism, take time to enjoy your child. Also, the best thing that helped me was finding a group of autism parents to get advice from and share all of the ups and downs with. If its a real life group or and online group, just knowing that other people support you and are going through the same thing can keep you going through the tough times.

      Congrats on getting your degree!

    5. It’s all good*

      A lot of good advice here. I will add another congratulations! Going to school when you are a parent is challenging, pat yourself on the back and enjoy the celebration you deserve.

    6. Kj*

      I work with kids with ASD and I hear first-hand how much parents have to do. Your son can have a normal childhood- it will be different in a few ways, but most kids with ASD have mostly normal childhoods.

      Some starting points to consider:
      1. Contact your health insurance, ask what services are covered. Is ABA an option? Is it covered?
      2. Contact local ChildFind through your school district and see if they have any intervention preschools your son could attend.
      3. Contact your state’s department of disability and find out what they offer and cover. Some stuff you may not need, but it is nice to know.
      4. Find yourself a community of parens of kids with ASD. You need to bounce ideas off of others and have people who get it.
      5. Buy Neurotribes and read it. It is seriously an amazing history of ASD and it will give you hope.
      6. Celebrate your graduation. This is change to your life’s plan, but it isn’t a bad thing, just a different thing.

      I’m the last to say having a kid on the spectrum is easy (I see struggling parents ALL the time), but I also see the joy and many parents I work with report having so much joy in their kids. It is hard because the diagnosis focuses on what your son can’t do. But ASD comes with limitations and special abilities. We hear less about the special abilities, but they are there and are amazing. You sound like a really caring and on-top-of-it parent. Your son is lucky to have you.

    7. Tau*

      Congrats on your degree!

      Also… so I’m an autistic adult! First off, I think it’s great that you have the DX and are not going to be in denial about it. Just knowing what’s going on gives you so many more tools for handling things going forward. I can understand that this has come as a shock, but maybe it’ll help to remind yourself that the alternative to the DX wasn’t your son being neurotypical – the alternative to the DX was your son being autistic and you both not knowing. I’ve been there (I worked out I was on the spectrum at 18 and got my diagnosis at 23) and I have to say I wouldn’t recommend it. This way, you know why.

      Something I would recommend pretty strongly is to read material written by autistic adults. For one, it’ll hopefully help show you all the various amazing directions autistic kids can go in. For another, I think the perspectives of people who’ve been in your kid’s shoes can be really important to have.

      And – agreeing with Kj that there’s nothing saying your child can’t still have a pretty normal childhood. I’d say my childhood was pretty normal. And, for the record, I’m very happy with myself and my life right now and wouldn’t change it for the world. :)

      1. Blue_eyes*

        “remind yourself that the alternative to the DX wasn’t your son being neurotypical – the alternative to the DX was your son being autistic and you both not knowing.” THIS.

        As a former teacher, you are already doing the right things by seeing doctors and specialists to find a diagnosis – now you are better equipped to help him because you know what’s going on. When I taught elementary school there were parents who were in denial and wouldn’t let their kids be tested for autism or other differences and it was sooo frustrating because their kids needed help whether or not they wanted it to be that way. The diagnosis will help him qualify for services through the local school district –
        I would highly recommend looking into that when you have time. Even if he’s not old enough for kindergarten yet, there are often preschool programs and summer programs for students with special needs. He can still have the full life you’ve envisioned for him, he’ll just need extra support in certain areas. You sound like a great parent!

        PS – congrats on your graduation!!

    8. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      First of all, that sounds like…a LOT to take on at once. I’m really hoping that everything works out (and by the way, congratulations on graduating!)

      That said – don’t worry about your son not having a normal childhood! First of all, it sounds like he’d have been diagnosed as having Aspergers pre-DSM V, from what you said. (I think the diagnosis now would be ASD level 1.) Speaking from first-hand experience, I had issues and meltdowns, but…I also had friends, I played sports, and I was pretty well liked by most people in school. (My prom date was a disaster, but that’s a story for another open thread.)

      I don’t expect to know how your son will grow up. But just because your son is autistic doesn’t mean that he’ll be doomed to be a certain way.

    9. Detached Elemental*

      My little one was diagnosed with Austism aged 3, so I get what you’re going through, even down to the family who don’t get it.

      And I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it, it can be tough.

      But, given the behaviour we were seeing, I’d rather have a diagnosis than not, because it’s opening up doors for us to get funding and therapies before my child starts school.

      And, as other posters have pointed out, it’s not necessarily a limiting diagnosis. I have a colleague who has autism and a PhD. He’s brilliant and a nice guy.

    10. DrWombat*

      Best of luck! I hope you are able to get the support you need and that your kid is too. There are a lot of autistic adults out there blogging about what would have helped them as kids, and having supportive parents is key. I have a lot of friends on the spectrum and they’ve spoken a lot about how frustrating it was to be bullied by teachers/other students so be prepared to fight for your child there too. It sounds like you are really trying hard and that is awesome and I hope things go well.

      Also remember that if a therapist offers ABA, investigate the heck out of it, because a lot of ABA-type interventions are really harmful in the long term (there have been a lot of autistic adults speaking out about this). It is important to find a therapist who will respect your kid’s bodily autonomy and treat them like a -person-. But there are a lot of guides out there written by autistic people (and autistic parents of autistic kids as well!) that can help direct you to resources that are best long-term. I have heard a lot of good things about Lydia X.Z. Brown’s work and what I’ve read of her stuff is pretty awesome. Ari Ne’eman is also a big name in the neurodiversity movement.

      Congrats on graduating and best of luck!

    11. M*

      I have a very high functioning ASD 5-year old and I just wanted to say hi and hugs. For me the hardest part was just absorbing the sheer volume of information about intervention and diagnosis and a million possible outcomes. My in laws were exactly as you describe. It took them over a year to stop saying ‘that’s just what boys are like’ and ‘when he is with us we just tell him no’. It was so frustrating. But they finally came around and now they have become those annoying people who go to every fundraiser and bother all of their friends with random information about ASD. They are all autism pride these days. It took some work on our part with making them read some books about sensory integration, which is my son’s biggest challenge. But they came around.

      We have a fantastic OT and that has made such a huge difference. Our life is so so much better now. My son Loves it and to me it feels like magic. Before OT, I spent 2+ years basically being beaten up by a small child. And from the outside that sounds funny, it is not. It’s emotionally exhausting to have patience with someone who is constantly punching and kicking and pinching and hair pulling. This behavior was completely eliminated after only a few weeks in OT. It felt like I got my kid back. He still has plenty of challenges but he also has more tools to deal with them. And the community of parents in the waiting room during OT has been essential support for me. Just feeling like other people understand the challenges and also the triumphs— my son went to bed without me sitting in his room for 3 hours!!- that other people just don’t.

      Congratulations on your graduation! Although it is hard and a lot to process, for us the diagnosis is what led us to getting treatment that has improved our quality of life so significantly that I will always feel it was a blessing. Best of luck to you!

    12. Kuododi*

      I am going to hold off on commenting on your kiddos new diagnosis bc other posters have done a fantastic job covering those concerns. I wanted to just tell you it is not selfish to rejoice in a hard-earned goal. It hurts beyond words to realize someone precious to your heart is struggling. It is also critically important for you to take good care of yourself in order to be able to give the best to your child. If not, it is the same as trying to draw water from an empty well. The well has to be replenished from time to time. I wish you and your precious child grace and peace as you both adjust to your changing definition of normal.

    13. Jean (just Jean)*

      Congratulations on finishing your degree! That is an awesome achievement. As others have said take time to relish your accomplishment even if you’ve got this other business going on with your child.

      Re the diagnosis, +1 to all of the good suggestions and supportive comments. The good news is that there is a metric ton of information out there about autism and Aspergers: Books, magazines, websites, and professional and parental organizations. Good wishes in finding a community of other parents and professionals. Take care of yourself as well as your kiddo. He _is_ lucky to have you and vice versa, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

      It’s late so my mind is foggy but here’s a starting point: Partnership for Extraordinar Minds at http://www.xminds.org . This organization was started by parents of kids on the autism spectrum. The focus is mostly but not entirely on one particular public school district in the state of Maryland, USA— but there are also rback issues of their online newsletter, and both the newsletter and the website mention resources beyond these geographic limits.

      Sorry not to be more abundant in listing options here— i’ve been sidelined by other responsibilities but wanted to give you at least some place to browse. Again good luck. you are not alone on your journey .

    14. Close Bracket*

      Your son is very lucky. I am mildly autistic, and I wish I had learned this at four instead of 45. You found out early enough to get him coaching, and you won’t have a life time of both of you being frustrated because you think he is weird on purpose.

    15. Public Health Nerd*

      Congratulations on graduation!
      If your family/friends are being ridiculous about oversharing information/prayers/fake science crap that you don’t want, and is making you angry, here’s how you do it (shared from a friend who had a cancer diagnosis):
      1. Create a gmail account.
      2. Choose a good friend/relative who isn’t being ridiculous and wants to help, and give them the username/password.
      3. Tell family/friends to email advice, prayers, support offers, etc to the gmail.
      4. Your friend’s job is to check that account, delete the stupid stuff, and forward stuff which is actually helpful.
      5. Gleefully luxuriate in not seeing posts about how positive thinking/special water filters/spiritual healing would have prevented the diagnosis, and happily get on with your life.

  31. FrontRangeOy*

    I had the odd experience this week of being listened to in a way I’m not used to. The situation has caused some negative thinking errors or a bit of cognitive dissonance or maybe a bit of both.

    In short form, I sit on a non profit board. We release an annual document that summarizes our economic impact on the community and this year’s document included a lovely quote about the benefit of our type of mission in a community. Something about it felt wrong though so I did some reading about the person who said it, found out some very unsavory things about this person, and ended up writing an email to the ED. The background included covering up Jewish pogroms after WWI. I’m Jewish, in a city that has between 10 and 20 active Jewish families. After a bit of back and forth with the ED, the org decided to remove the quote from the document.

    AND I FELT BAD!!!

    I’m not used to feeling heard enough so that people change the content of a document. I’m looking forward to our board meeting next week. There’s a lot to do. I’ve noticed our ED can get weird about personal matters sometimes; I’m hoping that they approach this little back and forth falls more on the side of professional – we-don’t-need-to-discuss-this-again than personal and weird.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Nice catch on that. If that had gone public someone would have called the board out on it.

      It’s odd how we can do the right thing, and have a win and still feel bad. Breathe. It sounds like you should be okay here. It sounds more like you gave an intelligent explanation with follow up back and forth, as opposed to arguing. If so this is good.

      I think you can set the tone by carrying the attitude, “Hey, thanks for reviewing what I said and thanks for removing that quote.” Here you would be using a preemptive strike, before they have a chance to turn it into personal matters, you can use gratitude and team work concepts to direct conversation to be about important things.

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        In our emails, I actually did note that in a city with a larger Jewish community, this particular individual’s quote would never have been considered. It’s just, something like 95% of our city is Christian of one denomination or another (the sort of place where “diversity” means “Catholics, Lutherans, and people from historically black and hispanic churches all get along) and those of who aren’t usually hear some version of “oh but nobody’s ever complained before!”

        I think I will set the tone and initiate a brief contact, rather than waiting for the ED to start and possibly have the conversation turn weird.

  32. Stacy*

    SOS: A new physical therapist messed up my neck something fierce the other day, so it looks like my weekend is going to mainly consist of muscle relaxers, snacks, and streaming movies/tv. What are your favorite recommendations from Netflix, Amazon Prime, or Hulu lately? If it’s British I’ve probably seen (and loved) it. I just caught up on Homeland this week, and before that I watched series 2 of The Tunnel. I’ve been on a dark and intense track lately, so maybe something more along the lines of decent action movies or dramedies that are actually funny. I typically recommend Sherlock, Last Tango In Halifax, and Imagine Me and You, but the old favorites aren’t distracting me from the pain.

    I wonder if Amazon Fresh has decent snack food options…

    1. Red Reader*

      Your mention of Homeland makes me think, I watched the first half of season 1 of Designated Survivor (on Hulu, I think?) and enjoyed it, finishing it up is on my list for when school’s done. (I haven’t seen Homeland though, to be fair, so the leap from Homeland to Designated Survivor might only be logical in my head.)

    2. LilySparrow*

      Since you like the British stuff you may have done these already, but I’ve recently enjoyed The Detectorists, W1A, and the gardening shows Big Dreams Small Spaces and Love Your Garden.

    3. Nesprin*

      Netflix rec: Charite- is about life in a hospital in 1880s when medicine was just starting up. Has drama/romance/enough accurate science to learn something/ whole lots of thank god medicine has progressed from those days.

    4. Sylvan*

      Wild Wild Country. It’s a documentary series, actually, but it has what you’re looking for.

      2. It’s all good*

        Love the series. I might watch from scratch soon. As someone that grew up in LA I think it does a great job of capturing it’s essence.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve recently finished watching both Lost in Space and the Alienist. Both were good, solid series. Nothing hugely spectacular but the Alienist did have me wanting to get to the next episode as quickly as possible – good cast, great costumes, and an interesting concept with the occasional dash of humor.

    7. Blue_eyes*

      If you want dark and intense, watch seasons 1 and 2 of Jessica Jones (on Netflix). I’m enjoying Riverdale right now, it’s kind of dark, but also campy teen drama. I assume you’ve seen Broadchurch?

    8. Windchime*

      I just noticed that all three seasons of Better Call Saul are up on Netflix, so if you haven’t seen that one, it’s a good time to catch up.

      1. curly sue*

        Midsomer Murders are up on Canadian Netflix, and that’s great fun — a British cop show that tries for older cozy mystery feelings with salacious ridiculousness in the body count. I adore it.

    9. DrWombat*

      I am really loving Aggressive Retsuko on Netflix, but I also admit to Gordon Ramsey’s Hells Kitchen as a guilty pleasure. Hoping you feel better soon!

      1. MysteryFan*

        I second the Bosch series, and also Shetland, a series with three seasons available on Netflix (all 4 seasons available on BritBox) based on novels by Anne Cleeves. She’s a good writer, the scenery on shetland Island is amazing, and the actors are quite good as well.

    10. Traveling Teacher*

      A little late for this weekend, but: Alias Grace!

      Only six episodes, and based on a Margaret Atwood novel. It’s the story of a (real-life) woman who was convicted for murder in the 1800s in Canada but 15 years later has the possibility of being released based on a doctor’s testimony. Very dark and beautiful to watch.

  33. Red Reader*

    So my two-day kitchen remodel that I posted about in last week’s thread finally finished up after day seven! We ended up swapping out all but five of the 19 cabinets that were ordered, and by the time all the exchanges were totted up … I now have almost TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in Ikea return credit. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with that. Probably most of my Christmas shopping. :P I don’t yet know how the “so we could have avoided a lot of hassle if y’all had checked the measuring once you knew she was doing it wrong” talk is going to go, but that company hasn’t asked me to pay them the other half of the installation charge yet either, so. Hah. I’m sure we’ll get to that bridge this week.

    On the plus side, it’s absolutely gorgeous :) I painted the kitchen “Peacock Teal” and all the cabinets are white, with light wood counters and handle pulls shaped like branches, and we added a butler’s pantry type set of cabinets and counter to one wall. The space is much better used now than it was previously and I have a small kitchen cart in my basement that, for a summer project, I’m going to repaint and possibly re-surface with a piece of the matching countertop (instead of its current red color and stainless steel top) to match the rest of the kitchen. Also planning to make new curtains and swap out some lighting to finish the job. The next week’s project though, once I finish my last grad school paper ever (due Monday night), is to finish getting all the dishes washed and put back away, which is going to entail some organizational purchases for drawer dividers and the like. (Hey, good thing I have an Ikea gift card! Hah.)

    1. fposte*

      Oh, those are exactly the kind of colors I like. Glad you love them, especially after all that grief.

      1. Red Reader*

        It’s gorgeous, all bright and open :) I keep running into my kitchen and dancing around, haha. My mom is crafting me some inventory labels for the drawers on the butler’s pantry so I can keep track of what I have in there, and I’m thinking related tropical colors for the curtains — maybe something white, with orange and yellow patterning? to jazz it all up a bit.

        If it works, I put a link to a picture in my username!

        1. caledonia*

          Ohhhh, I have kitchen envy now! It looks lovely! I like the handles, it makes a bit quirky. I might steal this idea for my own kitchen…

          1. Red Reader*

            I got them on Amazon! There was an Etsy seller or twelve who had similar ones, but also one-point branch knobs and longer versions of the same thing as well – I just didn’t want to wait for shipping on the slow boat from China. (Literally.)

        2. periwinkle*

          That looks fantastic! We’re planning to do an IKEA kitchen; my husband is set on high gloss white cabinets and I want soapstone counters. A color like that peacock teal would really pop. I’ve also been considering making one side of this galley kitchen all cabinets except a small work area – and you’ve done just that! Are both of the tall cabinets filled with pull-out drawers or is the right one empty for storage?

          Thanks for sharing the photos with us. So envious of the outcome, although not so much of the process. Lesson learned: spot-check the measurements…

          1. Red Reader*

            The two tall cabinets are mirrored :) I’m going to add a couple more shelves in there to better use the vertical space.

        3. Windchime*

          I love that teal paint color! What is the brand of paint? It looks gorgeous with the white cabinets.

    2. Mananana*

      It’s lovely! The paint color looks amazing with the white cabs; you did a great job pulling it all together.

  34. Wintermute*

    I was pondering the other day, I think it would be really funny to have an AAM-style blog that answers “questions” posed from say, a Dark Fantasy world where paranatural creatures (you know, all the things that chased Abbott and Costello: mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, ghosts) exist and are publicly known. Think like True Blood or the Anita Blake series. Things like “the anniversary of my co-worker’s death is coming up, should I do something for him for it?” or “my very religious employee wears a cross, she’s sufficiently faithful it means our new intern could be hurt, he walked into the same conference room and he started smoldering, and I’m pretty sure if she walked into the elevator without realizing he was there, he’d burst into flames. Would asking her to cover it up be religious discrimination? I don’t want our new intern consumed by hellfire, but I don’t want to make her uncomfortable about her faith either!”

    That or a similar idea with a dystopian cyberpunk world (think Neuromancer, or Shadowrun) of extraterritorial megacorporations. “I had to have an employee assassinated, would it be tacky to attend their funeral? I don’t think anyone knows I did it but they probably suspect something…” , “Is it REALLY necessary to get neural interface plugs drilled into my head to get a good job?” (answer: for most companies not being willing or able to go chrome is a dealbreaker, but most good corporations will work with a good, highly-qualified candidate to get them cybered appropriately, and the higher the demand the more you can push back, but that applies more for highly-specialized and intrusive ‘ware like drone control rigs or sensory recorders, not ubiquitous plug-jacks which are increasingly seen as a life necessity. Unless it’s for medical reasons you’d look out-of-touch with business norms to push back on basic interface jacks), or even “I just found out my co-worker is a member of an AI rights organization, do I have a duty to tell my boss? We work at a remote office so she doesn’t have access to the physical AI node to do something crazy, but, we all know how those radical AI abolitionists are, what if she does something? what if she encourages our office AI to do something?!

    1. Lissa*

      Oh man, I absolutely love this sort of thing – taking real-world dilemmas and thinking about how they’d manifest in supernatural etc. settings. I always get such a kick out of it. “My employee is a vampire, so she can only work when the sun is down. Unfortunately, we have to shorten our night hours due to lack of customer volume…what’s the fairest way to go about this.” “I’m a werewolf. I can’t work during the full moon due to my condition. However, my coworker is also a werewolf and CAN work during the full moon – how do I explain this isn’t an option for me?”

    2. Dragonista*

      Have you heard of the podcast ‘Solutions to problems’ ? It’s a Dear Prudence style advice podcast set on a space station. With aliens, time travel paradoxes and transporter accidents…

      It’s very funny and I’m hoping there will be a second series

    4. heckofabecca*

      This sounds AWESOME!!! If someone does go through with it, I’d love to see!

      If you’re into this kind of stuff, the game Ghost Court might be of interest… Roleplaying in a courthouse setting about incidents involving ghosts :)

    5. Loopy*

      Please someone start this!!! I actually love books that put the paranormal or fantasy up against our world and tackle these issues throughout. I’m reading a series where the author posted about what the world’s Starbucks logo would be is mythical creatures existed and people actually were at odds with them (so it obviously wouldn’t be a mermaid).

      I’m reading a book now titled “The modern fae’s guide to surviving humanity”

        1. Loopy*

          The first that comes to mind is The Arcadia Series by Mishell Baker: basically it supposes that a majority of human progress/inspiration/creativity comes from partnerships between the fae and humans- so all of the greatest human artists/inventors had a fae muse (of sorts). What’s neat is that the Arcadia Project is a secret organization that polices the traffic to and from the parallel reality filled with creatures straight out of myth and fairy tales. So it’s a very bureaucratic and “human” way to manage immigration from a fairy realm and it involves handling/mitigating a lot of issues from fae’s involvement in the human world as we know it.

          The second is The Sentinels of New Orleans Series by Suzanne Johnson. The premise is that Hurricane Katrina damaged the barrier between our world and the otherworld (can’t remember the term for it the book uses) and all of the suddenly beings can cross over much easier and love frolicking among the humans in our world.

          I probably have more if this is what you were looking for!

          1. Teapot Reader*

            There’s a couple of great books along these lines by an author called Kit Whitfield. Bareback is about what law enforcement would be like in a world where 90% of people are werewolves, and In Great Waters is an alternative Tudor England with mermaids acting as mercenary armies.

      2. DrWombat*

        FWIW you’d probably like everything by Seanan McGuire then ^^ The Toby Daye books involve a half-fae detective solving mysteries in San Francisco, Incryptid is about a family of cryptozoologists working to protect cryptids from monster hunters, Indexing is about a secret agency working to stop fairytales from overwriting our world, and Velveteen vs is an excellent take on the superhero genre. The Wayward Children series is basically a take on portal fantasy – what happens when the kids come back? How do they adjust? It’s great ^^
        All of her stuff is also really excellent re queer rep, which I love, and her characters are vivid and amazing.

        I also love love LOVE the Young Wizards series by Diane Duane, because it has magic coexisting with our world in secret but also aliens and talking dogs and a relentless optimism I love (plus we are having our third Young Wizards convention in Montreal next year!)

        1. Binky*

          I’ve got a bunch of Seanan McGuire, particularly the Incryptids – although I have to admit I’ve never been much into the Fae stories, so didn’t get into Toby Daye. And I thought Velveteen was great – but I can’t seem to find all the volumes for some reason.

          I’ll totally take a look at Young Wizards.

          What I’d really like to see more of are books where it’s our world, and werewolves/vampires/witches are just an acknowledged part of it. Particularly with a lighthearted tone. That’s what I have a hard time finding. The Rivers of London series is close, in that it’s very recognizably our world, but they’re still keeping magic a secret (I mean, it’s an amazing series, just not quite what I’m looking for).

          1. DrWombat*

            Velveteen just has 3 volumes out, and Borderlands Books in San Francisco could probably help you track down copies if you’d like! They might have them in stock even.

            Re: Young Wizards, the author has edited the books to fix some timeline issues, add more queer rep, update some tech, etc, and they are available on her ebooksdirect site as the New Milennium Editions. Totally awesome. And if you like the books, we have a Slack chat for fans of the books! Just search for CrossingsCon ^^ Let me know what you think!

        2. Becky*

          I somehow never heard of Young Wizards until it was announced on Mark Reads, and then of course I devoured all of them while he was still on So You Want to Be a Wizard.

          If you’re going to read Diane Duane’s Young Wizards–get the New Millennium editions, I think they are only available in eBook, not print. These have been updated with more accurate continuity, technology, and a lot of changes having to do with an autistic character whose original writing left something to be desired.

          (DrWombat–were you at the Young Wizards con in Long Beach last year? It was the first con I had ever been too-small group but it was fun!)

          1. DrWombat*

            I was in fact at the convention in Long Beach last year! Well met on the common journey, cousin! I’m convention treasurer, actually ^^ And also one of the people who found Mark after a reading waaay back in 2014 and asked him if he’d be open to reading Young Wizards in the first place ^^ Mark is such an awesome person isn’t he? We do have a Slack chat available for fans of the series as well, linked on the convention website ^^

            Hopefully you’ve seen the announcement re CrossingsCon 3 in 2019 – we have Diane Duane as our GoH and it will be in Canada, which should be fun! Have a wonderful week!

  35. Margo the Destroyer*

    Any recommendations on things to do in Cincinnati? I know the standards (zoo,art museum etc). But anything a little less well known in or around the area? Getting tired of sitting around all weekend bc the only thing to do is shop. Alsi do you know any quirky little shopping areas like obrienville or yellow springs?

    1. Reba*

      Walk around Over the Rhine — largest extant group of 19th c residential architecture! Interesting neighborhood undergoing transformation. Go to the bar/brewery inside a converted church there — Taft’s Ale House. The neighborhood around University of Cincinnati is also cool and has somewhat artsy businesses IIRC.
      Do NOT miss 21 C museum/hotel! Pretty good bar/restaurant as well. They will let you go up to the upper floors to see the hallway art, even if you are not staying there.
      If you like art and are ok with a little drive, consider Pyramid Hill sculpture park in Hamilton.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I wish WKRP, from the TV show, were a real radio station. I’d go to Cincinnati just to listen to WKRP.

    3. the.kat*

      If you’re into clay, there are several pottery throwing studios in Cincinnati that have 6-week classes that are very reasonable. Check out Core Clay. I also second OTR. If you’ve got a dog, there’s a fun dog park in Washington Park please about a billion little restaurants with everything from coffee to a s’mores bar to ramen.

      If you haven’t gone to the aquarium, you should check it out. Also, some terra cotta soldier are at the Art Museum for a few weeks. The American Legacy Tours are awesome. The Krohn Conservatory has the butterfly show going on right now. Also, check out Findlay Market. Music Hall is pretty epic and they’re about to start Mayfestival, so get some tickets for that.

      1. the.kat*

        If you want to know what’s going on in Cincinnati, you should check out the Movers and Makers websites and magazine. Good luck!

    4. Nye*

      If you have a car and some time, drive to to Jungle Jim’s in Fairfield. It’s a massive, bizarre, wonderful supermarket featuring (among other things) $1500 bottle of port, an international section as large as a regular supermarket, and an 8 foot tall animatronic tiger singing Elvis. It’s worth the trip!

      In Cincinnati proper, Findlay Market in Over-the-Rhine is really fun, especially on Saturday mornings when the farmer’s market is in full swing.

      If you’re in the mood for something a little quieter, Spring Grove Cemetery is a lovely place for a stroll. It’s a Victorian-era park-like cemetery and arboretum and has a ton of crazy old monuments and mausoleums, including a quarter-scale replica of a French cathedral. It’s absolutely gorgeous in the spring when the flowers are in bloom.

      For fun little neighborhoods to wander in, try Mount Lookout, Mount Adams, and Hyde Park. I also highly recommended Clifton, but may be biased since I lived there for a couple years.

      For cultural stuff, the Cincinnati Shakespeare company is inexpensive and puts on a good show.

      For bluegrass and beer, check out the Comet on Sunday night for the Comet Bluegrass All-Stars (house band). Get there early – it’s a packed house. Other good venues are the Northside Tavern and the Southgate House (Covington). I highly recommend the Stardevils (rockabilly) and Jake Speed and the Freddies (terrific bluegrass with lots of songs based on Cincinnati history).

      I lived in Cinci for a few years and really loved it. Happy to answer any other questions! (Fair warning, though: some of my intel might be a little dated.)

  36. dog adoption troubles*

    How do people in city apartments ever adopt dogs?

    I’ve been trying for THREE YEARS to adopt a dog and every single time I’ve been denied for one of the following reasons.

    1. I’m disqualified because I work full-time, and even working from home three days a week isn’t enough. Or because I don’t have a yard even though I’m a ten minute walk to three different dog friendly off leash parks in my city. I’ve been told by multiple rescues that hiring a dog walker or sending a dog to daycare is considered neglect.

    2. The rescues try to foist tiny dogs or pitbulls or pit mixes off on me instead of the dogs I apply for. Tiny dogs make me nervous and I think they’re way more aggressive than larger dogs, and I can’t have a pit in my apartment. Or I like Dog A or B and they push me to adopt Dog C or Dog D instead.

    3. I’m asked incredibly personal questions, such as my financial situation, my romantic situation, any medical conditions I have, whether I plan to get married or have kids, or if I plan to change jobs in the next several years. A lot of them have said that the rescue retains the right to do surprise home checks after I adopt the dog and that if I start dating anyone, they need to be vetted by the rescue. And that they officially “own” the dog and can take it away from me at any time for any reason.

    4. I’ve been disqualified because I have stairs in my apartment, because I don’t already have a relationship with a vet for A DOG I DON’T OWN YET, because I have air conditioners in every room instead of central air, because I live in a street level apartment and that means the dog might be more likely to be hit by a car, because I’m single and apparently a “family” can provide more love and attention to a dog than one person (I’ve been told multiple times that a family is more deserving than one person), because I said I’d let the dog on the couch but not the bed, and a host of other reasons.

    I’m so frustrated.

    All of the shelters in my city and state are 90% pits or pit mixes, and any non-pit dog is usually gone the day the adoption listing is posted. None of the surrounding states allow out-of-state adopters, and I don’t have a way to get most of those places anyway.

    I really wanted to adopt a dog, but honestly, I think I’m just going to start looking into a respectable and registered AKC breeder because I’m apparently never going to get approved by a rescue. It’s a shame that so many rescues are so awful to potential adopters. I’ve tried to do my due diligence for three years. I grew up with dogs and I love them, but it’s ridiculous that it’s this hard to adopt a dog.

    1. dog adoption troubles*

      Ahhh didn’t realize this was so long!

      TL;DR: I’ve tried for three years to adopt a dog but keep getting denied for seemingly stupid reasons and I’m tired and frustrated, and now understand why people buy dogs instead of rescuing them.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, it’s that way in a lot of east coast cities. It’s sad and frustrating. I know they mean well–well, I’m pretty confident–but it’s preposterous to say that a dog can’t have a good life in an apartment. I don’t own a dog but took care of one last week and she slept on the couch most of the day. Let’s not even think about those wackadoo “contracts.” I also definitely know of at least one rescue that is a cover for their own animal hoarding (no one else can take care of the animals as well as they can, clearly).

        I am from a southern state and I more or less plan to get a dog from a pound there when it’s time for me to do so. Plenty of pups still down there.

        Good luck getting your dog.

        1. dog adoption troubles*

          Yeah, I get saying a yard is good for a dog, but a yard doesn’t automatically make someone a good dog owner. There’s a chance they’ll just leave the dog chained up. With an apartment, I have to walk a dog several times a day or hire a dog walker.

          The contracts are ridiculous. At that point, you’re not truly adopting the dog. You’re just renting it.

          1. Reba*

            Not just a yard, but one with a six foot fence! No electronic fences! Responsible children over age 8 with good grades only!

          2. Natalie*

            You know, as Reba mentioned there are lots of dogs in shelters in southern states, and they’re usually fine with out of state adoption. I know this sound crazy, but driving several states away and adopting a dog might be cheaper than buying from a good breeder. My friends pet quality purebred dog was $1500 and that’s in the Midwest.

          3. ThatGirl*

            We live in a townhome, so no fenced yard, and we both work full time away from home and we managed to adopt a wonderful dog who fit our lifestyle well. I really don’t know why some of these places make it so hard.

      2. Book Lover*

        I am sorry. I was about to say to look for a reputable breeder and looks like you are considering that. Or I don’t know if there is an option to look outside your city/state for a rescue where a foster may be willing to travel half way to meet you? Or look through friends/family for a pet that needs to be rehomed but isn’t in the system?

    2. Red Reader*

      That’s awful! The rescues in your area are clearly banana-crackers. I walked into my local humane society at 6pm and they pretty much just asked me, “Is everyone in your house okay with getting a dog? Do you know that they need food and water and walkies and attention? You know this is an 8-week old puppy and how she turns out depends entirely on you, right? Do you know where to find a vet? Ok, cool!” and I was back in the car by 7pm with a crate and puppy food and bowls and whatnot and a tiny goofball (who is probably a pit mix, but has “boxer mix” on all her documentation because I don’t want to deal with breed panic) napping in my now-husband’s hoodie the whole way home.

      1. Lilo*

        Yeah, adopting my cat was basically, “do you have a safe home and will you take him to the vet”. And then I was handed a cat in a cardboard box.

        1. Red*

          I had basically the same experience. “Here’s a voucher for a free vet visit, please use it. Do you need a giant takeout box to put your cat in? They’re $5” I think I also got a coupon for food, because they (correctly) assumed I would be feeding said cat. That was really it.

          1. Hellanon*

            I had to fill out a questionnaire, and when I got to the question, “Where is the cat going to sleep?”, I called the nice young lady over and said in my kindest voice, “Have you ever had a cat?” Because yeah, the cat is going to sleep where the cat is going to sleep.

            (But I must have answered all the questions right, because an hour later I had 2 cats.)

            2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

              “Where is the cat going to sleep?”

              “In the box that the expensive cat bed came in, duh.”

      2. FrontRangeOy*

        Similar experience at our humane society. We walked in “just to look,” walked out a couple hours later with a 5 mo old puppy, his last pain med for getting neutered a couple days earlier, and instructions on how to slowly introduce our existing cat to the new puppy (I’ve grown up with animals and know but we still appreciated the paperwork on how to do it). Took awhile because we showed up on a Saturday afternoon and the adoption councilors were working like mad.

    3. Lilo*

      Yeah, a rescue denied my mother-in-law a dog because when asked if she would constantly have the dog on a leash outside, she said no. Because they live on a large farm with horses and sheep, which the rescue was aware of.

      Just do your research on a good breeder and you’ll be fine. Some definitely screen buyers (the good ones do), but they aren’t as insane as some rescues.

      Unfortunately some rescues are really run by animal hoarders. There was also some horrifying story in the Washington Post about how some “rescues” were basically purchasing puppy mill puppies, then turning them around and basically selling them to people for exorbitant “adoption fees”. So just because an organization calls themselves a rescue doesn’t mean they’re good either.

      2. dog adoption troubles*

        My humane societies are 95% pitbulls or pit mixes or tiny dogs, and like I said, tiny dogs make me nervous and I can’t have pits in my apartment. All other dogs are usually adopted the day they’re brought in.

        1. Mananana*

          I got my last dog (golden retriever mix) off of Craigslist. I was a bit wary, given the reputation of CL, so I made sure that we met in a public place in the middle of the day, and I went with my husband. Murphy has turned into an amazing, 85 pound, love-bug.

        2. Anona*

          I’m sure you’ve considered this, but would it be possible adopting from a shelter in a neighboring town?

          And I hear you on rescues. I had such a rough time even getting a response from them. The SPCA was much smoother.

    5. Dinosaur*

      You are not alone, those rescue organizations are bananas, and that kind of invasive and unrealistic requirements are why I will not judge people who, after doing in-depth research on breeders and checking references, get dogs from reputable breeders.

      1. dog adoption troubles*

        The way they shame some people who have no other choice but to give up a dog is also horrifying. At one of the rescues I looked at, there was one dog who was surrendered because the owner came down with a terminal illness and they didn’t have the energy, health, money, or time to devote to the dog and wanted it to have a better life, and the rescuers acted like this owner was the worst human alive.

        Sometimes good people come into bad circumstances and do have to rehome their pets, and I don’t think they should be crucified for it. I’d rather have someone love their pets and want a better home for them give themup for adoption than abandon or abuse them.

        1. Lissa*

          re your first paragraph – this is why I stopped following some groups online. I just wanted to look at cute animal pictures, and every few posts there would be a meme of a sad animal with “don’t abandon your pets” and a really upsetting story…. any time someone posted about a pet needing a new home the comments would just absolutely tear them apart, making all kinds of assumptions. Or really unrealistic stuff like “oh your husband developed an allergy to cats? Get rid of the husband!” I just don’t see how that is helpful at all. :(

          1. dog adoption troubles*

            Yes! I unfollowed a bunch of them for that same reason. It gets a bit shady when I see people saying that if forced they’d choose the life of an animal over the life of a human. I love animals, but that mentality chills me a bit.

            1. Lissa*

              yeah, and added to it comes the idea that they are a noble, wonderful person for it and that others who wouldn’t make the same choice are unfit pet owners. “I’d mortgage my home and take from my kid’s college funds to give my dog another few years of life”, with the implication that others who don’t are less devoted, love their pets less etc….

              1. all aboard the anon train*

                I watched a YouTube video the other day that was a reunion of a family and dog that had been separated after the California wildfires. The dog had gotten spooked and run off and the elderly couple who owned the dog were already struggling to leave their burning house, and people in the comments were condemning them for saving their own lives instead of chasing after the dog and then again for going to safety and leaving to dog behind.

                Which is just so bizarre to me. The video showed them obviously distraught at being separated from their dog and overjoyed to be reunited, and it’s a horrible situation, but people were so vicious in the comments.

                1. Lissa*

                  Yeah, the “I would have…” people. They’re all so sure they’d somehow have heroically saved the dog, or would have martyred themselves for said dog and it would’ve been a good thing. Most of them would have likely done the same thing, no matter how much they scream otherwise.

                  Also who focuses on criticizing a terrified elderly couple losing their home instead of happy dog reunion?!?

                2. Lindsay J*

                  Yeah, there were people doing the same during the Houston floods.

                  Like, I love animals and all. But if the option is me and my pets dying in a natural disaster, or me living and my pets dying, then I’m living.

                  If my pets don’t make it, I will be terribly sad. But in time I will be able to give a home to one or two of the other millions of unwanted pets out there. I can’t do that if I’m dead.

              2. CityMouse*

                My grandmother told me that getting her dog’s cancer treated was the biggest mistake she ever made. Not the cost, but the dog was miserable and in pain for the last year of her life. When a later dog of hers developed cancer, she did not have the cancer treated.

              3. Amadeo*

                I was a vet tech and I think this attitude that I see is not just sanctimonious but downright dumb. You don’t blow $30k that you were saving on your house to do a kidney transplant on a 16 year old cat. You just don’t. You know damn well going into pet ownership (unless you’ve got a tortoise or a parrot) that you’re going to outlive them unless you yourself are quite elderly. Let them go gracefully and with some dignity. Don’t piss away college savings, your house down payment or get a second mortgage on your home for an animal that was only ever going to live 10-20 years.

          2. many bells down*

            My friend is dealing with this right now; their dog is just not getting the exercise and attention he needs because they’ve got two small kids with health problems. They’ve got a big backyard, but the dog keeps escaping and the landlord doesn’t want to put in a taller fence. So they’re trying to find someone active to adopt him so he can go on hikes all the time and not be cooped up and sad.

        2. LCL*

          One of my parents’ dogs was from a breed specific rescue. He was given up because his owner had terminal cancer and was flying! back and forth for treatment. Everyone involved thought it sad, and didn’t condemn the owners.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      That’s awful! We got our dog from a rescue four years ago and it wasn’t like that at all. I’m so sorry. I know they did references and everything but we lived in an apartment in a small city at the time and they were totally cool with it. No contract or weird intrusive questions either. Nothing wrong with going to a reputable breeder and it sounds like you really tried hard to rescue and adopt. I hope you find your soul dog soon!

    7. Bluebell*

      By any chance have you been able to contact breed rescues? They focus on a specific breed. One of my good friends got her pug from a pug rescue, and there are often golden retriever rescues. Sorry you are having all of these difficulties.

      1. dog adoption troubles*

        I have put myself on those lists, but they’re also pretty particular, I’ve found. Not as bad as other rescues, but I’ve run into the some of the same problems.

    8. Kj*

      Can you talk to your local humane shelter and ask them to alert you when a dog that meets your specifications comes in? Some will do that.

      1. dog adoption troubles*

        I’ve done that for the ones that allow it, but the ones near me have a first on the list, first called rule, and the lists are pretty long. I’ve been on the list for a few years now.

        Part of the problem, I think, is the rarity of non-tiny dogs and non-pits in shelters around here.

        1. Kj*

          Hmm, does your area get any “flights” of dogs from other areas? My area gets “airlifts” of dogs from Texas fairly often, as Texas has high-kill shelters and we have few dogs for adoption. If you do, I’d follow the rescue on social media and show up early the day they release the dogs for adoption. Ugh, I’m sorry you are going through this. The rescue orgs sound nuts….

          1. dog adoption troubles*

            These are the rescues giving me trouble. Almost all the rescue orgs here get dogs from the south and ship them up, but they’re the ones who won’t let me adopt for one reason or another.

            I haven’t seen a single one that let you show up without an appointment after your application is approved.

    9. MMM*

      It can be pretty hit or miss but we found our current dog through a Craigslist post! She was about a year old and the family who had her originally ended up not being able to keep her because a kid was allergic. She’s an absolute angel and one of the best dogs we’ve ever had. The dog before her came through a classified ad in the paper (free to a good home), the family was moving somewhere that didn’t allow pets.

    10. Lady Russell's Turban*

      Whoa. I was involved in breed rescue for years, including making home visits, and our veting process was no where near that restrictive. I did twice recommend rejecting an application, once because the potential adopters wanted a particular dog because they thought she would be able to teach their current aggressive dog better manners, the other time because the family lived on a rural road with fast traffic and had no plan to fence their yard. I just didn’t trust that a family with three young kids would always take the dog out on a leash as they said would happen. I ok’ed people who work full time but had care plans and ok’ed people in apartments. Our policy was any dog had to be returned to us if no longer wanted.

    11. TootsNYC*

      I wonder if you’d have luck by contacting vets and offering to be a new home for a dog whose owners can’t keep him because they’re moving, or something.

      I just remember seeing a photo on my vet’s wall about someone who needed a new home for their cats because they were moving, and sometimes things like that pop up on Facebook or Craigslist.

      But a vet might appreciate having your name in advance.

      And then there’s the idea of putting the word out to anyone whose dog is going to have puppies, or who thinks they’d like to.

      Also–speaking of dogs from down South–there was some dog-adoption organization that took dogs from the pounds in Southern states and brought them up north.

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        Oh, talking to a vet is a good idea, OP. It might also count as evidence you’ve established yourself with a vet if you try to go through a rescue again.

    12. LemonLyman*

      How frustrating! And when you’re trying to do the right thing by adopting.

      I’ve never adopted a dog while living in a city apartment so I don’t have much advice, but I’m wondering if you could get the word out to friends and acquaintances that you’re looking. I had a friend who couldn’t keep his dog because the dog was showing some aggression around the new baby. As much as it pained my friend, he had to rehome his beloved dog. He didn’t want to give him to a rescue and ended up finding a sweet woman through a coworker. Maybe that’s a way you can find yourself a canine friend?

      P.S. My dog goes to doggy daycare and she LOVES it. It is NOT neglect! It’s great socializing and keeps her active. I don’t buy into the “it’s neglect” narrative.

    13. Triple Anon*

      Come to my city! We’re overrun with dogs and you can easily adopt any kind of dog you want. Seriously, if you can travel, go to a city with a large stray population and over-burdened shelters. Even the private rescues are less strict here.

      If you can’t travel, what about your city pound? They tend to get all kinds of dogs and generally don’t have a lot of requirements. Or a group that can transport dogs to your area?

      I wish I could bring you a dog! I just drove by two friendly looking stray Heinz 57’s on my way home tonight. I wished I could help them.

      1. dog adoption troubles*

        Travel isn’t really an option, the pounds/shelters have primarily pits and pit mixes which I can’t have, and the groups that transport dogs to my area from the south are the rescues that are denying me (and other people I know). :(

        1. Triple Anon*

          Aw, that’s no good. Could you call the city shelter and ask them.to notify you when the kind of dog you want comes in? The one here does that.

          1. Triple Anon*

            PS – I could bring you a dog, but I don’t want to give out my contact info here. Alternately, maybe you could reach out to the general rescue community in your nearest southern city? Someone might volunteer to transport a dog, especially if you could pay for gas and everything. I know that where I am, the neighbors often take care of strays and work together to re-home them because we don’t want them to go to the pound and the rescues tend to be full.

    14. Logan*

      I have been involved in animal rescue for years. In the north of the US, adopting a rescued dog is competitive (the south has more strays / unfixed animals, so as you note they have more adoptable dogs which are shipped up north, and there are too many cats everywhere).

      Some rescues are picky because they are unrealistic and weird, and some rescues are picky because they can be. With so much competition for a puppy (I have had 30-50 applications per puppy) there is very little chance for someone who isn’t ‘perfect’. We have old, chronically ill (diabetes, etc), and very grumpy dogs… and they often have multiple requests and are all adopted out to good homes. I have adopted out a boxer mix to a young woman who lived in an apartment, but it’s far more likely that a dog will go to a family with a fenced yard.

      My suggestion to most people – get a dog from a reputable breeder (visit the home and see the puppies, and meet the parents so that you know if they are well behaved, because personality is in some part genetic). Do not meet them in a parking lot if they are selling you an expensive puppy, as that is how puppy mills now work (pet stores are no longer a front for mills, so they now sell dogs on Craigs List and Kijiji – adopting an adult dog from a current owner should be fine although ask for vet records to avoid getting a breeding dog that they want to abandon).

      I think that you should stop stressing about the rescues, and pick a path that works for you.

      As a note – I have volunteered for quite a few rescues over the years, by fostering, and all of my furry family were originally my fosters. Each rescue had a policy where the foster home got ‘first dibs’ for an animal, and I have looked after a lot and kept three of them. I don’t know how keen you are to volunteer, even with fundraisers (volunteering at group events allows you to get to know the foster dogs and homes, and they get to know you), and I wouldn’t recommend volunteering solely to adopt an animal, but if you would consider it as an option anyway… it can be useful.

      Good luck!

      1. Triple Anon*

        Wow. I wish there were more groups that transported dogs from the south to the north. There is no shortage of puppies where I am.

        1. Logan*

          I can’t wait for self-driving cars to become a reality, for a lot of reasons, one of which is that I hope the large-scale transport will change a lot of animals’ lives. There are a lot of volunteers who drive animals all over the place, but they are woefully insufficient for the overall demand.

    15. mreasy*

      Apologies if you’ve tried this, but have you looked on Petfinder? Often pets are posted by their existing owners or foster parents trying to find them homes, and they may not be as hard-nosed as the rescues. You can search by size, age, etc of pet and geographical proximity. Best of luck with finding a pup!

    16. Nana*

      Don’t know if it’s still true…but I called a local vet and was able to adopt through him.

    17. Lindsay J*

      I don’t do rescues for this reason.

      I have had dogs my whole life.

      My parents had one dog from when I was 2 to when I was 15 or so, then another dog from when I was 15 to into my late 20s (with a brief interlude of several months between those dogs where we wound up with an aggressive dog from the shelter that we had to give back to them).

      I got a dog in my early 20s when I still lived with my parents, and when I moved out at 27 they said they wanted to keep her, so I let them. She passed away last year at like 10 years old.

      I had 2 dogs with my ex that I allowed my ex to keep when I moved out because one of them we got from his parents, and I didn’t want to separate the other one, nor did I want to fight with him about it.

      When I was looking for another dog, the rescues so put me off that I didn’t even go through the process with any of them. I am not writing essays about dog care (though I will answer similar questions in a verbal interview). I am not signing a contract allowing strangers to come by my home whenever they please without warning for decades to check on the dog. Some of them are so location restricted (like a 30 minute radius because of the home checks). Some of them have such crazy ideas about what is necessary for a dog to have a good life (isn’t living with a single person who works full time and being walked at lunch or by a walker if needed, better than not having a home at all or being put to sleep?) Some of them are so expensive (one of the rescues around me does all the smooshed nose breeds like bull dogs and stuff, and it costs $1000 to adopt from them).

      I just went to the ASPCA and adopted my girl. She’s a half-rotty half-lab mix. She was about 9 when I adopter her and about 14 now. And the sweetest, most well behaved dog I have ever met.

      Since you said the pound is not an option, I would try Craigslist, local reddit subreddits, Patch maybe? and similar local message boards for dogs that people need to rehome. I see messages posted by people pretty regularly. Also physical bulletin boards at local shops (pet stores, coffee shops etc). Also put out word with your friends and coworkers that you’re open to adopting a dog and see if they let you know of anyone who is looking to rehome one.

      That’s how I got my little Yorkie that wound up living with my parents when I left. I was looking for a dog, and had visited some shelters but didn’t find anything that suited me. Then, a coworker was being made to move due to her divorce, and she could only have one dog in her new apartment. She chose to keep her great dane since she figured it would be more difficult to find a home for it, and was looking for a new home for her Yorkie. It worked out for both of us. I got a doggo that I wanted, and I was able to keep in touch with her, show her pictures of the dog, etc, and she knew it had a good home rather than being left to chance with a stranger.

  37. Kat*

    I’m running my first 10k race at the end of May. I ran once a week over winter and am only just getting back into running over 5k now. I did 4 miles last weekend and 5k during the week. I need to go this weekend and shoot for 4.5 miles. It’s Saturday afternoon. I did not go for a run this morning. I just wasn’t in the mood and it was damp, miserable; I was hungry and groggy. I have to go either this evening (get it over with) or tomorrow morning (Sunday morning run). I’m still reluctant, or my body is, to go today. But it’s so sunny… chilly, but sunny! And I feel so guilty that I didn’t go this morning. I like running but I don’t like the way I feel if I don’t go when I feel ‘supposed’ to. Just the wrong headspace… but trying to talk myself into the right one.

    Please tell me this kind of thing happens to others who run? I am not a natural runner and find it quite tough, so even though it’s good for me mentally and physically, it can still feel like I’ve been through it a bit when I’ve finished, and I’m not very quick either.

    1. Ruffingit*

      Totally with you on this. I’ve run a ton of 5ks and I love it, but the training is hard. I feel good when I’ve finished training for the day, and guilty when I don’t do it. So I feel you on that.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      Yep, that sounds familiar. I was on track to run three times this week. I did two days in a row, then yard work instead on Thursday, and then just fast-walking with weights on Friday. The last two were total compromises and now I wish I had run instead, but … I only feel that way after I don’t run when I planned to. And almost every week plays out the same way, it’s like I don’t learn or something. :-/

      1. Kat*

        Ha, me too. If I had gone today I would have done it and not had to do it tomorrow. But my own fault. To be fair, your other options sound pretty decent too! I might do some yoga at least.

    3. Justin*

      It felt that way for me once. I struggled to run more than 3 miles in 2010.

      I’ve run 7 marathons since 2013.

      Not saying you must, but you are not alone in your feelings. Just keep at it, and don’t beat yourself up too much.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      This is definitely normal. Every body is different, but sometimes this is a result of doing too much, too soon– you get burned out not just physically, but mentally. It’s perfectly okay to take several days, even a week off to regroup. I’ve done it while training for much longer distances and have usually come back much stronger. It sounds to me like perhaps that’s what you should do. Good luck!

    5. A bit of a saga*

      Yep that’s me! I was also meant to go today but didn’t. Now I have to go tomorrow when it’s meant to be pouring down…it definitely happens from time to time and sometimes I let myself get away with it, other times I push myself to get out to get rid of that guilty feeling

    6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      So the first thing is that during the week you should probably be doing shorter runs as you build up – especially if you’re feeling beat up after your runs. Try two 1 1/2 mile runs instead of one 5k. It seems like at least part of the reason you’re feeling exhausted is that you’re just coming back after being off for the winter.

      But also, to be honest – on your main point, I think most people feel the same way at times. Don’t feel guilty if you miss a run occasionally. You’re human. Worse comes to worst, get out there, give it a little bit, and see how you feel (if you didn’t go today).

  38. Penelope*

    I’ve decided to have a go at baking my own bread. The thing that makes me a bit nervous is the thought of cleaning up afterwards (since all recipes involve some form of sprinkling flour on the workbench). Any tips on how to avoid covering my entire (very tiny) kitchen in flour during my pursuit of a fresh loaf?

    1. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Use a no knead recipe. I like the recipes from the artisan bread in 5 minutes a day books.

      You could also use a half sheet pan to contain the mess.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        Yes to the no-knead recipe. I made rolls for the first time last Thanksgiving and used a no-knead recipe from the Pioneer Woman’s website. Usually I only watch her show to see what new atrocities she’s going to commit against food, but this was a very easy recipe. You can find it on her website and she gives very, very detailed instructions which is good for a first attempt.

    2. dr_silverware*

      Cutting boards can work pretty well! It needs to be big, though, and my biggest pet peeve is when you’re kneading on a cutting board and it starts walking all over the counter.

      You could try a no-knead recipe. Those can make really delightful bread. Most are “very little knead” recipes, actually; they require folding the dough in a bowl, or folding the dough on a work surface. That work surface can be a cutting board, though, since you won’t be vigorously kneading and moving the cutting board all over the counter.

      If you do want to go for kneaded breads, a good cutting board will be fine for the purpose–put flour on that and you’ll have a cleaner kitchen in the end. I’d recommend one that has rubber feet, or that you put a damp dishtowel under the cutting board so it doesn’t move around. And then look up how-to-knead-bread videos and find a method that works for you in your kitchen.

    3. Reba*

      My spouse is starting the no-knead bread right now! Unlike the original recipe we use an aluminum dutch oven and do the second rise inside that vessel, so there is less transferring and less mess. It’s not preheated, but we use an aluminum dutch oven which gets hot quite quickly and it works for us. (Spouse adds, don’t be afraid to adjust the amounts of water in the recipes.)

      But yeah, accepting the flour coating is pretty much part of the deal IME, and it’s not that big a problem. As long as you scrape then wipe with a wet cloth reasonably soon, you’ll be fine! It’s only when you let dough harden onto the counter or bowl or whatever that it becomes a pain. A bench scraper is a MUST.

      FWIW I find cleaning off the counter after working on it to be easier than washing off large cutting boards, which don’t fit well in my sink and need a place to dry, etc. Plus you still get mess on the counter even if you work on a board :) We have stone countertops, I could see tile or other materials being more of a pain.

      Have fun!

    4. Erin*

      Vacuum it all up when you’re done.

      You can do other things, like cover your counter tops in Saran Wrap, but I just go for it and clean up with a vacuum.

    5. TheLiz*

      Knead it on clingfilm! Just put a sheet of clingfilm on the countertop (or wrapped around a cutting board) and bob’s your uncle. Also works when rolling out, but use two sheets instead. You can also just use a bare cutting board if it’s clean. (Surface not recommended because if the bread was too sticky it’ll be a far worse job!)

    6. Lcsa99*

      Doing it on a large cutting board works, though it can be annoying if it moves around too much. Honestly, the majority of the flour you sprinkle on the counter should be picked up by the dough while you’re kneading, so there won’t be a ton left behind, and a bench scraper does wonders for picking up the rest. Like others have said, if you just do the cleanup right away while the dough is still rising it isn’t that much work (and totally worth it for homemade bread).

    7. Tau*

      So I do no-knead bread with a rectangular silicone bread form which I cover with aluminium foil to simulate the dutch oven effect. I don’t know if I’m sacrificing quality in any way, but I’ve received many compliments on the bread, have managed it with a lovely thick crust, and there is zero mess because the dough goes straight from mixing vessel to the baking form. I probably spend less than ten minutes on prep and cleanup, total.

    8. FrontRangeOy*

      No-knead recipes

      Keeping everything contained on a cutting board

      The goldtone mixer in this pinterest link is one I have. It’s really good for containing mess but on the downside, it takes up a bit of precious space.

    9. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      As long as you don’t go crazy with the flour it shouldn’t be too horrendous to clean. After all, a good portion of the flour will get kneaded into the dough, and once it reaches the right consistency it won’t be shedding bits on the counter. Just remove things that might collect flour (like cookbooks or decorative doodads) from the area where you will be working and it should be fine.

    10. Blue_eyes*

      Get a bench scraper! They are also good for dividing up dough (and moving a pile of chopped veggies or the like from cutting board to pot when you’re cooking). After you knead the bread, use the bench scraper to scrape all the bits of flour into the sink or trash. Then wipe down the counter however you normally do.

      Good luck! Bread baking can be so much fun, and there’s nothing better than fresh bread you made yourself.

    11. Kj*

      Dough scraper and not over flouring should work. I have made bread for years and clean up is not bad. Just sprinkle a little at a time and you are cool. I don’t think you need to resort to no-knead recipes unless you want to- I love kneading and find it very therapeutic.

    12. Earthwalker*

      I use my hands to push the dough around the deep kettle that I use for a mixing container until the flour is taken up, in a sort of pre-kneading step. I add flour if the dough is sticky but keep it all in the kettle until the flour is gone to keep the flour from flying. Then I take the unsticky and flour-free dough ball out for regular kneading on the un-floured counter . If a little dough sticks in the kettle or on the counter, I clean it with a wet paper towel rather than cloth, since kneaded dough will glue itself to a cloth and never wash out. That’s not the way the cookbook says to handle bread dough it but it works. It keeps the flour from sliding off the counter onto my shoes, as it always did when I followed the cookbook instructions.

    13. HannahS*

      I often would do my kneading on the (flat) back of large cutting board. That way, I’d be able to tip it into the sink. The other thing is, it’s less theatrical, but equally effective, to sprinkle flour on the dough from a lower height than you see on tv.

    14. smoke tree*

      Good luck! I normally knead dough on a cutting board, but if you want to make cleanup easier, you could invest in a silicone mat, which should give you a lot of space to work with. Honestly, though, I find the flour itself pretty easy to clean, since it’s dry and you can just wipe it off.

      In case you’re interested in more general bread advice:
      *Pay attention to the water temperature if you’re using dry commercial yeast, since the right temperature is important for allowing the yeast to bloom. I also recommend letting the yeast bloom directly in the water before adding it to the rest of the recipe.
      *I find that feel is the best way to determine if you have the right amount of flour. For most recipes, you want it to be smooth and elastic. I usually add the flour gradually to make sure I don’t add too much, since it’s easier to add more flour than to add more liquid. As the dough gets thicker, I find it can be easier to mix it with my hands rather than continue with the spoon.
      *It’s usually better to knead too much than not enough, if you’re not sure.
      *Read the recipe and plan ahead to make sure you have enough time to let it proof and rise fully.
      *You might have more luck to start with if you make an enriched bread dough that includes fats like milk and eggs, because those will help it to rise. But you probably want to start with a plain dough that doesn’t have any extras (like nuts, seeds, fruit, etc) because those will weigh the dough down.

    15. Mephyle*

      I used to bake a lot of bread and I always kneaded it in the bowl. I have two large stainless-steel bowls that are wide and shallow, and are ideal for this. The largest one is big enough for a three to four-loaf recipe. A smaller one would be fine for a single loaf. It helps to put a damp dishcloth under the bowl to protect the counter and reduce the bowl’s tendency to slide around while you knead.

    16. Close Bracket*

      Making your own bread is amazing! I have two kneading methods, neither of which involve flour. I either stretch-and-fold it in the bowl or I pick it up and stretch-and-fold it in the air. Google stretch-and-fold. I do use flour for shaping loaves, but you don’t use much. You want to brush the excess off the counter before wiping it with a damp rag.

  39. Lindsay J*

    Cheap furniture, probably from online?

    So, I have a little apartment I will be living in for 5 days a week (most weeks) near my job’s headquarters.

    I need to furnish said apartment.

    My car is tiny, and renting a U-Haul is expensive, and I don’t want to spend a ton of extra time there, so I’m mainly looking at ordering things online in mostly flat-pack boxes and having them delivered. (Or I could do store pickup if I can make them fit into my little Honda Fit).

    Does anyone have experience ordering furniture like this off of the internet?

    Wayfair looks like it has some nice stuff, but I’m wondering about the quality and the customer service.

    I’ve also seen some stuff from Houzz.

    Any other ideas for sites or places to obtain furniture from?

    Also, mattresses. Has anyone done the Casper or Purple or other matteresses like that? How were they? I’m looking for something fairly plush. Or should I just resign myself to going to a real store for mattresses? When boyfriend and I were shopping for mattresses we wound up getting one from Ikea, but I’m not really in love with the one we got or any of them we tried there – we got the softest one we tried there I think (some sort of latex hypoallergenic one I think? and it’s still too hard.)

    1. Aphrodite*

      For a mattress/bed look at Charles P. Rogers. They get great reviews from both the blog The Old Bed Guy and Consumer Reports. And they deliver. I got my bed from them and love it!

      For other furniture, you might want to do a search on Apartment Therapy for posts they have on online furniture stores.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Thanks for the rec. I’ve never heard of them before but will definitely check them out. Thanks.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I have ordered from Wayfair. I made sure to review the comments/ratings before selecting. I thought the items were nice for the price. They did very, very well backing up their product. One item was a long ceiling light and the shade was broken when it arrived. They replaced the light entirely. The other items were a pair of sconces, that their website said were rated 100 watt. When I opened the package, they were 60 watt. They quickly agreed to exchange them and emailed me UPS return labels. I got another set of sconces and the man I spoke to checked to make sure they were indeed 100 watt before I completed my order. All total I spent about $400 and I was satisfied with what I got. I thought the customer service was good. I was not looking for top end items but the quality was good.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      I’ve ordered tons of stuff off of Wayfair and generally had very good luck. I only buy stuff with reviews and usually reviewer photos. Once or twice I’ve had to MacGuyver stuff (like drilling an extra hole into a headboard) and a couple of times things have been either damaged or otherwise weird. I have found Wayfair customer service to be amazing. They have sent us replacements free of charge several times and once when we ordered a toy box that had a chemical smell to it they simply refunded us and told us to donate the toy box Since we didn’t want to chance another one.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve bought a fair number of Threshold brand bookcases and media cabinets from Target over the years. They’ve held up well and look pretty nice. World Market is another good place online and they are always having sales and free shipping.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Ooh, I didn’t know that World Market had a website. Definitely going to check that out now.

    5. Reba*

      I’m really happy with the bookshelves we have from Ikea, as well as work desk. They deliver for a fee, also. We used to have a bed and dresser, solid wood, and a sofa (not comfortable but it worked for several years). I think things made of wood and simple-ish construction from there are great. Target stuff has been pretty good for us, too–bookcases and a coffee table, pillows and rug–don’t forget a rug, really makes a place more comfortable IMO.

      I’ve only done knick knack type items from Wayfair. My main issue with the site is there are just way, way too many things to wade through! Seconding World Market as decent quality for price. Other ideas: Scandinavian designs, Article furniture.

      Re: mattresses, a friend is really pleased with their Leesa. We have an all-latex, it was $$$$ but is heavenly, and they can be had in varying firmnesses. Shopping in a mattress store is worse than buying a car.

    6. TootsNYC*

      My niece bought a used dresser–incredibly sturdy and well-made but really out of date–for $15 through Facebook Marketplace.

      And I was surprised and impressed by the quality of furniture at my local Habitat for Humanity ReStore.

      Those are all used–but they’re very inexpensive!

      1. Lindsay J*

        Ordinarily I like thrifting, but want something delivered to me because I don’t have the time and energy to deal with renting a U-Haul, nor will I be in town enough to scout out stores and find something I like, or arrange to meet people on Facebook.

        I’m also adverse to buying anything upholstered used for fear of bed bugs.

    7. Getting Lit*

      I’m seconding looking at secondhand stuff. You can get great quality for much less than the shoddy stuff.

      Wayfair has been hit or miss for me—but I had no problem returning the two terrible sofas I got from there.

      Also, for the record, my roommate has a Honda Fit and we were able to fit our Ikea Karlstad sofa in the back of it. We did have to remove it from the box first, but it fit easily (without anyone in the passenger seat).

    8. Max from St. Mary's*

      Is there a hotel furniture liquidator near you? I’m in a big hotel city and we have four or five, and they are amazing. Furnishing for an entire bedroom for less than $500, living rooms for a bit more. Most of them have connections with delivery services if they don’t have their own inhouse service.

    9. Oxford Coma*

      I looked into both Casper and Purple, and most of the reviews said that those mattresses run hot. If you like a cool bed and/or are a sweaty person, they are not for you.

    10. LilySparrow*

      We just bought a Nectar mattress, and it’s very firm. (This was a plus to us).
      I think generally speaking, a foam-type mattress will feel firmer the lighter you are, and softer if you are heavy. So you want to adjust the firmness rating up or down to account for that. I’m on the heavy side, so my nice supportive mattress would probably feel like a rock to a petite person.

    11. Becky*

      Instead of getting an expensive mattress–get a middle of the road mattress and a foam topper/egg crate to go on top. I can never find a mattress that is soft enough (a lot of people’s back problems do better on a firmer mattress–not mine–I have to sleep on a marshmallow to not wake up in the morning feeling like my lower back and hips are all misconfigured) so I bought an Ikea mattress (it was kind of soft if you just sit on it) and then a three inch foam egg crate topper.

      1. Lindsay J*

        I might look into this. That’s my problem – my hips feel like sore when I wake up all the time.

        My grandma used to have those egg-crate toppers when I was a kid. I had almost forgotten they existed.

    12. pur8ple*

      We had a Purple and ended up returning it on the 98th night of the 100 night trial, because that was how long it took me to work up the nerve to tell my boyfriend that I didn’t really like it very much. It was very well made and sturdy and I can’t say enough great stuff about their customer service, but it just wasn’t for me. I sleep hot and would wake up sweaty, albeit much less so than with traditional memory foam like Tempur-Pedic. Also, my boyfriend weighs more than me and it was a pretty squishy mattress, so I kept feeling like I was falling asleep on the side of a mountain and tipping toward the middle of the mattress.

  40. Lindsay J*

    Also, bare minimum kitchen supplies while still having a usable kitchen.

    I’m thinking of a cast iron skillet with lid, a largeish stainless steel pot with glass lid, like 2 place settings, a couple coffee mugs, a couple glasses, a chef’s knife, a bread knife, and a paring knife. And a crockpot or instant pot, a microwave, and some sort of food processor or blender. And a cookie sheet.

    Any glaring omissions there? Any recommendations for brands or places to shop? (Otherwise I will likely thrift everything).

    1. Red Reader*

      If you have a handily located Ikea, you can get a lot of what you’re describing fairly cheaply there. (Not as cheap as thrifting though.) Same thing with the flat pack furniture – you can fit a lot into a Honda Fit if you’re careful about it, and I think their delivery service is like $29 if you’re in town.

      Couple other kitchen utensils – a spatula, wooden spoon, basically something to stir and serve with. A colander/strainer, if you’re a pasta eater. French press or cheap Keurig? Cutting board.

      1. Lindsay J*

        a spatula, wooden spoon, basically something to stir and serve with. A colander/strainer, if you’re a pasta eater. French press or cheap Keurig? Cutting board
        —

        Yes, thanks! I’m not a coffee drinker, but definitely need the rest of this stuff.

        I like Ikea and will check them out for furniture. We unfortunately had an issue with their delivery service when we moved into our apartment here – boyfriend brought a couch on the website, arranged for delivery, thought it was all set up, got a confirmation email and everything. Day of delivery, no couch. He called up looking for it and found out that even though he got a confirmation email, there was verbiage in the confirmation email stating that his confirmed date was subject to availability, and that there was no availability that day and would not be for another month. So no couch for him (and he had ordered and set up the delivery like a month and a half prior). We wound up going to Ikea that day, buying the couch, bringing it home, and cancelling the online order.

    2. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      A small toaster oven. Use it as a toaster! Use it as an oven! Mine sees a lot of use for making single servings of things like frozen fries or egg rolls, or heating up foods that you don’t want to use a microwave for (e.g.: pizza). And it dumps a lot less heat into the room than a full-sized oven, which is a godsend in a tiny, closed-up kitchen.

    3. Reba*

      I agree that a toaster oven is surprisingly useful! If I had to choose, I’d take a microwave over it, but I was hand-me-downed a toaster over last year and I use it much more than I thought I would.

      Regarding the cast iron, you’re better off thrifting that than buying new! I have a deep skillet with lid that belonged to my grandmother (ca. 1960s), and it is smooth as a baby’s bottom. I stripped and reseasoned it. I also have a new flat skillet, and it works, but it’s nowhere near as nice.

      I do like my mini food processor/blender stick combo, but I did without for several years. Maybe not urgent but a knife sharpener is a GREAT tool. For me the crockpot is a no, but it depends on how you like to cook of course. Have fun!

      1. Lindsay J*

        Just found a nice Wegner pan this weekend. Stripped, no rust spots or anything to deal with, ready to season up and go.

        I’m excited because I’ve only had Lodge pans (though I do have an old pot) so far and I hear the old ones are much nicer. It’s definitely lighter.

    4. Theodoric of York*

      Cutting board. Extra bowls (I have some ceramic bowls about 8 inches in diameter and 2 inches high that are surprising useful to eat out of).

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Cutting board, small sharpener for knives (you will use the knives a lot), a smaller pot or two. I’d go with two cookie sheets, as opposed to one.
      Dish pan, dish rack, drain board.
      Hand towels, dish towels, dish cloths.
      Metal strainer (hot or cold foods)
      Measuring cups and spoons.

    6. Nesprin*

      Optionals, used daily to weekly in my kitchen: Vegetable peeler, spatula, whisk, ladle, knife sharpener, cutting boards, coffee maker/kettle, 2C pyrex measuring cup, 13×9″ pan, mandoline, drying rack, meat thermometer, hot pads, trivot and scale.

    7. TootsNYC*

      carrot peeler
      can opener / bottle opener
      corkscrew
      cutting board to go with those knives
      rubber spatula
      small-to-medium mixing bowls (holding ingredients after you’ve cut them)

      I suggest two medium saucepans (1 qt and a 2 qt, maybe), so you can cook rice in one and steam veggies in the other. And a pot big enough for pasta.

      I like having a grill pan, and I used to use a broiler pan a lot

    10. HannahS*

      Some kind of strainer. I bought a sieve, because it’s good for draining pasta and cans of beans, as well as sifting flour for baking. Personally, I’d add an electric kettle and a toaster, but I drink a lot of tea and eat a lot of toast. I just have an immersion blender, which takes up very little space and I find it’s adequate for my needs. In case you’ve forgotten, you’ll need tongs, a spatula, and a mixing spoon. I find I manage fine without a whisk; I just use a fork. Perhaps a box grater? I buy large blocks of cheddar, grate them, and then freeze it in a ziplock. It’s perfectly good for melting/baking, less good for eating plain.

    11. Traveling Teacher*

      Silicone spatula that’s one piece (cheap and extremely durable! Can be used in any type of cookware, and can be washed in the dishwasher if you have one!)
      A peeler with a large rubber handle (I eat a lot of carrots and potatoes; you might be fine with your paring knife)
      A cutting board
      Digital scale–never bother with measuring cups again!

      For measuring, in my tiny kitchen, I have: a liquid measure, a set of magnetic nesting measuring spoons, and a digital scale, plus a handy conversion site bookmarked on my phone (1 C all purpose flour = 128g, for example). I spent about 2 hours converting my favorite recipes, and have never looked back. I have most of the conversions memorized now, too, but mostly look for recipes that have both grams and cups.

      Seriously, you can just pour your flour directly into your mixing bowl that’s placed on top of the scale instead of messing around trying to fluff and scoop 2 3/4 C flour and sometimes losing count and having to re-measure! Mine cost less than 10 euros new, you don’t need anything fancy. The battery lasts for 3-4 years and costs around 4 euros to replace.

      Also, if you do a lot of slicing, a basic mandoline is worth its weight in gold, but it’s not 100 percent necessary (I got the basic OXO one for 20 bucks while I was still in the States, and it lasted me for about 10 years)

      A colander is a huge plus, but I used a slotted spoon for a couple of years to strain pasta instead of pouring it all out when I first moved abroad, and that worked just fine. It’s really handy for washing fruits and veg, too, though.

  41. Ruffingit*

    Just returned from two weeks in Italy! It was glorious and I cannot wait to go back. We went to Rome, Florence, Cinque Terre, Pisa, and Venice. Such a beautiful, wonderful time!!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Venice is one of my favourite cities. It’s expensive but it’s unique. Like nowhere else.

  42. Lady Jay*

    Advice on getting a first tattoo?

    I’ve always kind of liked tattoos, but my fears of infection has always kept this completely off the table for me (both of my parents are very concerned about cleanliness and hygiene; in middle school science lab we tested our blood type and my father was very worried after the fact about potential blood-borne illness).

    Now, however, I’m about to make a big life change that I’m somehow both excited for and really scared about. I’d really like to get something that commemorates the moment and reminds me that I’ve been okay in the past, and I’ll be okay in the future (if you’re wondering, a mountain, which has personal significance for me.)

    Do I go through with this? If so, what do I look for in a tattoo shop? Will I get infected?

    1. Red Reader*

      Do you know people with tattoos that you like the look of? If so, ask them where they got theirs. (I’m not helpful with this in my area, my artist is in the next state over, but that’s me.)

      If that doesn’t get you anywhere… a good tattoo shop should have pictures available of their work for you to look at. They should be clean. They should be able to tell you about their cleaning process in detail. They should be very willing to arrange a consultation with you to spend some time talking about what you want and what you should be expecting.

      “Will I get infected?” – They should have very detailed information for you about the aftercare process. (I personally would turn around and walk out of a shop that told me that their aftercare process involved saran-wrapping a fresh tattoo, because AUGH, but some people swear by it.) As long as you follow the instructions provided very carefully and behave with some common sense, risk of infection is low. Don’t use Neosporin or similar – unscented lotion or vitamin A&D ointment, keep it clean, don’t pick at it, don’t go rolling it around in the dirt, keep it out of the sun.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I got my tattoo about four years ago now and the thing I looked for was cleanliness. If a tattoo parlor is clean, and I mean properly clean, not just the bits where most people’s eyes go, then you’re on the right track. Check out the reviews online, and talk to your tattooist. Mine made me wait a month – partly out of supply-demand, but also because he wanted to give me time to think about it.

      As to the risk of infection, if you go to a good tattooist then that will be minimised. They’ll also talk you through aftercare. Mine was fine after a few days, but it was a small one on my ankle. If you’re getting the tattoo somewhere awkward to reach, talk about how best to care for it.

    3. Loopy*

      I have several large tattoos. Go to someone reputable- shops will have reviews from others who have had good, safe experiences. All my shops showed me that everything had been sanitized and were extremely open and communicative. You should be able to actually walk in and talk to them to get a feel for them without signing up and paying. I’d feel free to go in, explain that its your first time and you’d like to know more about the process they use for sanitizing tools and what instructions they provide for aftercare. A good shop should be happy to put you at ease.

    4. periwinkle*

      Check to see if tattoo artists/parlors require licensing in your jurisdiction. If yes, make sure any person/place you choose is properly and currently licensed.

      1. Do a web search for local tattoo parlors. Although I wouldn’t necessarily trust Yelp reviews, that site will at least give you info on what’s in the area.
      2. A parlor’s website should have info on their artists and examples of their work. Also check to see if it has a Facebook page or Instagram with more photos.
      3. There are tattoo parlors with flipbooks/posters of designs. That’s basically the equivalent of a fast-food restaurant – you order by number and they churn out the tattoo. Leave those places for drunk people getting impulsive tattoos.

      Ideally, you would be able to schedule a free consultation with a tattoo artist to discuss what you’re looking for and to check out the shop. Ask about their process for keeping things clean and safe. If they’re not happy to talk about hygiene and after-care, you should keep looking.

      If the artist follows best practices for sterilization and you follow the after-care instructions, you should be fine. I’ve got 4 tattoos and am contemplating a 5th to commemorate defending my dissertation. Have to write the darn thing first, though…

      As Red Reader noted, asking a local person for a recommendation doesn’t always work! I have co-workers who travel hundreds of miles to get work done – either they moved or the artist did. Luckily mine moved her shop only 15 miles.

    5. Courageous cat*

      I mean, think of how many people have tattoos and are still alive to tell the tale! Go to a reputable shop, they’re easy enough to find, and you almost certainly will not get infected.

    6. Anona*

      I’ve found Instagram helpful for looking at an artist’s style, once I’ve located a shop.

    7. Red*

      Find your shop by asking people you see with tattoos you like. For real, people with tattoos tend to like to talk about them. These people would not recommend these shops if they had horrible infections (and their ink would look like crud anyhow, infections are not good for art lol) so there’s that, but you should also see your artist unwrap a bunch of sterile things. Have them walk you through it.

      If that gets you nowhere because all of those shops are farther away than you are willing to go, look online. Shops should have photos of their work online, it’s 2018 for crying out loud! So go feast your eyes upon all the internet has to offer you, and then stop by your favorite and check the place out.

      FOLLOW EVERY BIT OF AFTERCARE ADVICE. This means what the shop tells you, not the internet. Don’t ask us. We’ll tell you 50 conflicting things, you’ll do a hodgepodge of them, and then your artist will be frustrated with you. Just do as they say, they have the experience with fresh tattoos. The exception is Saran Wrap. That squicks me right out.

      Though, if they tell you to use unscented lotion but don’t give you specifics (like my place does) – I like Cetaphil.

      1. Windchime*

        I have only one tattoo, and I echo this advice. A couple of years ago, all the women in my small little family (four of us) decided to get matching tattoos while on vacation. Nothing fancy, just a simple wave design. We went to a small local shop in a beach town that had great reviews online and the place was very clean and sunlit. The artist was friendly and professional and gave us specific instructions on how to care for our tattoos. Overall, it was a very pleasant and non-scary experience. And I love my tattoo.

    8. Bluesboy*

      I found my tattoo artist when I saw just an absolutely beautiful tattoo on the arm of the waitress in a local coffee shop and I just asked her, “Sorry, I hope you don’t think I’m rude, but that is just stunning, can I ask where you got it?” As someone said upthread, it’s something people like talking about.

      Don’t try to save money. You’ll have this for life, if you can’t afford your favourite place, wait until you can.

      Feel comfortable there. Even if it has great reviews, even if someone recommends it, if you aren’t comfortable there…go somewhere else.

      Know exactly what you want and don’t be embarrassed to say no to something even if you said you want it. Maybe you expressed yourself badly, maybe it looks different in that scale…doesn’t matter. It doesn’t go on your skin until you are comfortable with it.

      Follow the shop-suggested aftercare exactly. FWIW, my skin had completely recovered after two days.

      On a slightly different topic, I love tattoos, but I think too many people just stick them on. This is something deeply personal. Your body should be treated with respect, and for that reason I love when a tattoo has meaning. I think yours sounds exactly that, so I think it sounds fantastic!

      Hope all goes well for you!

  43. Merci Dee*

    So the National Memorial for Peace and Justice opened on Thursday. People have come from all over the country to attend the opening. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. Kiddo and I are going to go, but I want to wait another weekend or two so that we can have a little more time to explore without feeling like we’re holding up others who actually had to travel to be there. We live less than 5 minutes from the downtown area, so we can afford to wait a little.

    I’m excited about the memorial and the mass incarceration museum. My dad … not so much. Not that he’s dead-set against it, just that he doesn’t see the point of it. But he was born in the mid-1940s, in a small town right outside of Birmingham. He remembers the civil rights protests, and the police turning the fire hoses on the protesters. In general, he agrees that everyone should have equal rights and be treated the same. But the idea of having a memorial to commemorate the people who lost their lives to lynching, in the service of preserving white supremacy, is something he just completely doesn’t understand. We had a talk about it last night. His points are 1) not all southerners owned slaves, and not all of the ones who did beat and mistreated them, and 2) black people who are here today have it much better than a lot of black people currently living in shacks over in Africa.

    Siiiiiiigh, and beat my head on the table.

    I politely explained that 1) it didn’t require every white person in the south to own slaves and beat them to death in order for slavery to be wrong – it’s just as wrong for a single person to do it as it is for everyone, and 2) it’s true that the US generally has a higher standard of living than some other parts of the world, but nobody should have to be stolen from their homes and families, have all rights and sense of agency stripped away, and then still, 160 years later, be treated like less than a person in order to live here. I pointed out that both of his arguments were diversion, and neither excused what we as a country were guilty of. Of course, he insists he’s not guilty of any of it since he didn’t participate in any of it. He didn’t care for my reminder that he benefited from others’ bigotry regardless, even if he didn’t do it himself.

    How in the world do you convince a 74-year-old white southern man that taking ownership (even though I loathe that word) of the bad behavior and atrocities committed by others is the only way to move through them and make sure they never happen again?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I think you keep saying it. It wears them down after a bit. Initially it’s hard because they actually react, well, no one ever said that to them before? Or maybe no one who was important to them said it before. At first they have to get used to hearing it. Then they have to incubate it. It’s time consuming. And you don’t know if they will ever change, so it will feel like you can’t get through. But just keep saying it. He’s your dad. Your words have weight. Trust that fact.

    2. Gatomon*

      I am a PoC so I’m just speculating here, but I think some white people feel angry/embarrassed/hurt because they feel they are being blamed for something that happened before their time or that they didn’t participate in or condone. Monuments, museums and events like these are probably like sticking a hot poker in that wound.

      Try reminding him it’s not a personal attack, and that no one is accusing him of participating or condoning what happened just because of his skin color. He doesn’t have to go protest or donate or visit if he’s just not comfortable. He doesn’t have to take ownership on a personal level, but on a country-level, accepting that this is American history and owning that legacy is what is key. Try to explain the benefits of learning from our past mistakes so that this doesn’t happen to any group of people again.

      The hardest part is really demonstrating the built-in racism in America even today. I’m not really sure how to show that if all the recent media coverage hasn’t convinced someone yet. It may be difficult too because during his lifetime, things HAVE gotten better for black people and other PoC in America. (At least I can sit in the front of the bus and drink from the same water fountain now.) There is so much more progress that needs to be made that he may not be able to see it because of how far we have come.

    3. TootsNYC*

      The memorial about lynching isn’t about slavery. In fact, it’s about the time AFTER slavery, a time that’s actually still happening.

      the deaths of 21-year-old Alize Ramon Smith and Jarron Moreland, also 21. Their bodies were found in a pond on Sooner Road in Oklahoma City on April 18.

      And it’s not even necessarily about whether he benefited; it’s about the fact that attitudes like his (“it’s not so bad” and “*I* am not the one doing it”) were part of what let other people get away with it.

      It’s not about feeling guilty; it’s about understanding how it happened. And how it still happens.

      I’ve just started reading “The Lynching,” which is about a murder that happened in 1981.

    4. Anony*

      I’m not sure you need to. This seems like a weird hill to die on unless he’s out protesting the museum or you generally see this as an entrance way to affect his general voting politics (which you don’t describe). But if his actions in general are consistent with promoting justice, does it matter that his heart is still affected by guilt and shame? If they’re not, the specifics about the museum don’t seem like the most important. Sometimes it’s okay to disagree to disagree.

      I also am going to point out that it’s a belief that taking ownership is the only way to move through them and make sure they never happen again, not a proven fact. I’m a former social scientist and I still follow the studies on persuasion people are doing. No one knows how to achieve reconciliation and create a just society. Flat and simple, no one knows. If anything, the studies I’ve seen point to the 80’s approach of celebrating multiculturalism, and having a “we’re all in this together” approach are more effective than the current approach of very direct speech and call outs. But the 80s obviously didn’t work, so… again, no one knows.

      I don’t know of any society that you can point to as an example either. Every society has identity-based tensions and injustices.

    5. HannahS*

      I think it’s fine to just repeat the simple message that something really bad happened here, and it’s important that we remember bad things as well as good things. Remembering history is important, but we can’t just study the parts of history that we like. The people who fought for civil rights are Real American Heroes (TM) and they should be honoured because they did something really important. You want [son] to learn about them. But in order to understand what they did, we have to understand what they were fighting against.
      I think framing it as a history museum might help, because it sounds like he’s seeing it as primarily a political move. It is, insofar as most public works are political, but framing it as a history museum might help, because he might be able to see studying history as being a primarily intellectual exercise

    6. LilySparrow*

      Hey there! I live about an hour from you, I guess, and yeah. Our parents’ generation can be a tough sell.

      I try to talk about empathy and respect, and individual relationships. Like, if you respect and care about someone, then you listen to what they say. You let the things that are important to them become important to you. Even if you don’t “get” it, even if you don’t feel exactly the same way, you listen and think about what you’re hearing. Because being dismissive is disrespectful and unkind.

      There’s no point talking to my dad about social responsibility, because then it just gets into a debate about collectivism vs individualism. But kindness and courtesy to people – that he can connect with.

      He’s also a history buff, and has seen lots of dysfunctional family secrets. So he gets the ideas of “those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it” and that keeping secrets about wrongdoing perpetuates the damage.

    7. LCL*

      Why are you still trying to convince him? He’s come a lot farther than many in his generation. I would drop it for the moment, unless he says or does something that you believe is bad.

  44. Lady Jay*

    Also! Is Season 2 of Jessica Jones worth it?

    Finished Season 1 last night, loved it, but I’ve heard very mixed reviews about season 2. Do I bother?

    1. Dopameanie*

      Definitely bother. If season one tracks how abuse squishes the person you are into something you don’t recognize, season two is a treatise on the aftermath. The first half is slow, but the second half picks up. There is an interesting antagonist whose storyline is weirdly abandoned halfway through. It has flaws. But I think it’s good anyway.

    2. all aboard the anon train*

      It’s still good, but not as good as S1. I’m still particularly annoyed with how they treated Malcolm and Trish, and they added a new antagonist that didn’t really have a point for being in the plot at all since there his antagonism didn’t really have a strong basis from his introduction (I’m still a bit ??? about how they introduced him) and his plot disappeared halfway through.

      The storylines with Jessica and Jeri are great. Everything else is sort of meh.

  45. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    To make up for last week’s absence we are going with a classic-

    Cats > Dogs

    FIGHT ME!!!

    1. Merci Dee*

      I live both cats and dogs. But cats fit better into our lifestyle, since we’re away for 12 -13 hours most days.

      And jellybean toes!!!

            1. Dopameanie*

              Gotcha. My response:

              When the Cat Revolution comes, you will be allowed to survive, but you will not be trusted. A house with two masters cannot stand.

    2. Nicole76*

      Oooo that’s a tough one. I’ve always considered myself a cat person because they aren’t as needy as dogs, although I don’t like that they can (and will) walk across any damn surface they please. I fostered for awhile which cured me of the desire to own a cat because a) I didn’t like their fur being everywhere and more importantly b) my husband’s asthma comes back with a vengeance around cats. We have a dog now and I’ve flipped to the dog side. I love taking my dog out and meeting other dogs and their people. She’s fun to play with and spoil. I now consider myself a dog person. Funny how that works.

      2. Mephyle*

        Flipping! We seem to be a family of flippers.
        I was born a cat person, and had cats in childhood. Somehow, while I didn’t dislike dogs, the idea of having one was never something that I associated with myself. I converted to dog thanks to my first dog whom we had while I was aged 43 to 57, so not early in even my adult life.
        My daughter considered herself not-cat. When she was young, she said, “Cats hate me and I hate cats.” Now she researches cats (this seemed to be what converted her) and has two of her own.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Ok…cat research? The guidance counselor skipped that choice during MY career day. Details?

        2. Mephyle*

          It’s a biology PhD, and she works with fellow students and some professors in the Animal Behaviour research.

    3. Enough*

      Cats of course. Children are dependent enough and unlike dogs they grow up and move away.

    5. anon for this unpopular opinion*

      I’ve been clawed, attacked, bitten by several cats and never had this issue with dogs, and people seem to think it’s “cute” or “funny” when cats claw, bite, and jump to attack you and insist that you can’t train a cat so it shouldn’t be viewed as a problem, so dogs over cats. I dislike cats and am scared of them and won’t be around them.

      1. kc89*

        Cat people are so bizarre with how they think the scratching and biting is “cute”

        I work in a medical office and I have a co-worker who laughs in delight whenever a patient’s primary concern is “cat bite” because she thinks it’s so cute

        1. anon for this unpopular opinion*

          I find a similar mindset in people who have small dogs. The nickname “ankle biter” isn’t cute and your dog nipping at someone’s ankles or lunging at them is really bad behavior. It doesn’t matter that they’re small, they’re still being aggressive.

          I don’t know why people give this leeway to cats or small dogs because it’s pretty awful.

        3. Windchime*

          Your co-worker is weird and needs to be educated. Cat bites can be very serious. I was once bitten by a cat (her tooth went through my thumbnail!) and the doctor treated it very seriously. Tetanus shot, antibiotics, and several follow-up appointments. Seriously, your co-worker is an idiot.

      2. Lcsa99*

        Cat bites aren’t cute but it’s the trade off. Cats have boundaries, just like people. If you push them, they push back. It’s their way of saying “back off” since they can’t speak English. But at least they don’t drool on you and you don’t have to touch their warm poo (even through a bag or gloves it’s just gross) .

        And dogs drop hair everywhere too so that’s not an argument.

        1. anon for this unpopular opinion*

          Almost every time I’ve been bitten or scratched it’s been unprovoked. I don’t pet cats or cuddle them or really go near them. I’m scared of them so all I ever do is leave them alone when they’re around me. So apparently the only boundary I’m pushing is being in a friend’s house or apartment. But I guess that means it’s okay for them to swipe at my feet or bite me.

          I have no idea what the hair comment is in regards to???

          1. Lcsa99*

            Someone above complained about cat hair being everywhere.

            As for your experience, cats can sense if you don’t like them. It’s like if you give someone a dirty look on the bus. They would have no clue what that’s about but would immediately take a dislike to you. And again since cats can’t talk…

            1. anon for this unpopular opinion*

              That doesn’t justifying an owner thinking it’s okay for their cat to scratch or bite me. If I’m leaving the animal alone and it’s harming me for no reason, that’s really not okay.

              1. Dopameanie*

                So…what I’m hearing here is that you like BOTH cats and dogs, you just strongly dislike poor pet OWNERS.

                This is a wise and popular opinion. I welcome you to the Cat Team!

    6. Cute Li'l UFO*

      I had a stray that got into the house attach herself to my face as I removed her from the house. I have also been attacked by the family dog and sadly watched her mental decline… where I was bitten again. I don’t have the same fear of cats as I do with dogs. I think because I saw that one coming (the cat) I wasn’t scared. Encountering strays/ferals they usually just bolt. I am not OK with being charged by dogs, leashed or otherwise.

      A couple dog-friendly workplaces I’ve been had dogs that were people/dog aggressive but it was always brushed off. Not anything I want to relive.

      I’ve also become pretty allergic to dogs over the years. I came back from a run and on coming up my hill I saw a little guy who came running at me and my first thought is “I have shorts and no sleeves on. I am going to be ripped apart.” Took doggy home, then dealt with being super itchy.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Cats, of course. I’m a crazy cat lady and not ashamed to admit it. For the most part I find them less work and less needy than dogs. Cats are much more independent. They don’t need to be let outside, so I can leave them for a couple days with plenty of food and water and they’re fine when I get back. Anything longer than overnight and I have someone come in once a day. Also, there’s no way I want all those doggy land mines in my yard to have to clean up regularly. And they eat disgusting things. My niece had a dog that would eat the poop out of the cat litter box at her mom’s house.

      I do like some dogs, though. A coworkers gets a puppy every year from an organization that trains service dogs. She brings it to the office, trains it, and then it goes off to finish up training with the organization before it’s sent to its “employer.” I also like my sister’s dogs because they’re well-behaved. She’s really good about training her dogs.

      1. Dopameanie*

        The thing about dogs is that they HAVE to love you. Obedience is bred into them. If a cat loves you, on the other hand, it’s because you deserve it.

        Team Cat all the way.

        1. fposte*

          I think that’s true of a lot of dogs but by no means all, and ditto for the cats. And they’ve both evolved affiliative behaviors as species, so socializing, at least, is bred into both of them. I also think we’re kind of in a place with cats that we were with dogs 100 years ago–they run around and do stuff, and who but wizards can influence them? And it turns out that with both when expectations change, more people (though not enough) learn about their animals and their behaviors and realize that as long as you put some reasonable thought into it you can work with them.

          1. Logan*

            Totally agreed that much of the difference between the species is in how humans interact with them, rather than the animals themselves.

            If we play with animals when they are very young, so 4-12 weeks, then that influences their interactions with humans forever. Puppies are almost never born outdoors, and we all know the importance of socialising puppies, so they are typically quite friendly. It is very important to a puppy’s development, and to ensure a good personality as an adult, that puppies be introduced to the world at 3-6 months old (if not then they become fearful and/or aggressive).

            I have worked with a lot of orphan kittens, and they get very well socialised with humans, and I make an effort to train and socialise them. Much like puppies, although puppies are more ‘sit and play with the toy and not the human’ and kittens are more ‘scratch the post, and stay off the counters, and play with the toy not the human’. If kittens are raised like puppies then they are often friendly and sweet and well behaved – but the sad reality is that few kittens have that advantage. Many cats are born outdoors, and we kindly take them in, but they are often never able to build a fundamental trust with humans.

            As has been mentioned quite a bit already – the problem is less with dog / cat, and more with the humans. I have a big problem with owners who think that it is cute to play aggressively with a body part (ankles, fingers, toes) and any animal. Puppies and kittens age, and become problems, who often end up euthanized.

    8. DoctorateStrange*

      I love cats and I do get annoyed when people get annoyed by cats biting and scratching.

      Cats can feel overstimulated by too much petting and feeling their personal space become encroached. As a socially awkward person, this resonates with me.

      To be quite honest, I get annoyed in general when people feel that any animal does not deserve their own space and whatnot. Just because they’re a pet does not mean they owe their existence to you 100% at all times. I cringe when I see people hugging their dogs and their dogs clearly uncomfortable but tolerating it. Not to mention, that when dogs “smile” in certain ways, they can be expressing their stress.

    9. The RO-Cat*

      I… don’t really hate cats; I’m just not into sharing my space with a don’t-give-a-rat’s-ass-unless-it-involves-food type of alien life form. My in-laws have outdoor cats (rural area) and whenever I visit them both their cats notice me only if I handle food (on the other hand, in this type of situation they suffocate me. Food gone from my vicinity –> I see their bottoms instantaneously). Their only cat I liked, many moons ago, was a dog-in-cat-suit appearance; she would jump on the back of my neck to keep me warm when I went out for a smoke.

      Their dog, on the other hand, goes berserk when we arrive and would unwind only after a serious session of “I love and lick you, pet me pleeeeaaase!” Now, that’s a soul that really lives the love of me.

    10. Lcsa99*

      I don’t mind dogs. They are dumb and sweet and sure, a big one can protect you, but they smell when you wash them, they eat gross things, they rub their butts places they shouldn’t. You have to walk them and pick up their warm poo. It’s just gross.

      Cats on the other hand are intelligent, have complete personalities, are easy to clean up after and clean themselves. Magic tongues. Plus the purring thing is awesome. Sure they can get in places they aren’t supposed to and will bite or scratch if you tick them off but that’s just how them look out for themselves or each other.

      And again, the purring thing.

      1. LCL*

        I have lived with cats. The idea that cats clean up after themselves is a fantasy. All the gross things you mentioned about dogs were also done by the cats. And cats have broken more of my stuff than any of my dogs. I do agree with you about the purring.

    12. Loopy*

      This is hard but ultimately, I’m a dog person. I like talking ta dog on walks. Right now I have one that I can’t take places but I’d love to go out and about with my pet. In the future I want a super sociable dog I can go to outdoor dog friendly places/events with. I love hiking with a dog. Right now I love my dog but he loathes every other canine in existence, otherwise we’d be going all over the place together.

      That being said, cats are easier.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I like them both. Cats are easier to take care of. I haven’t had a dog in twenty years, but it’s mostly because I’m alone and seem to always be in precarious financial situations, and cats are less expensive, too. In fact, I didn’t want a pet at all because of the finance thing, but then Pig got dumped on me and I knew no one else would take care of her, so I had a cat.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yup. :P I am a dog person. My husband is a cat person. I keep telling him that he can just sit there in his wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.

      2. Dopameanie*

        I’m never incorrect. Just ask me; I’ll tell you.

        Scratch that, you don’t have to ask.

    15. Oxford Coma*

      Team Cat, all day every day.

      Nobody’s cat has ever stuffed its slobbering face in my crotch. Nobody’s cat has ever knocked me over while the owner laughed about how “friendly” it was. Nobody’s cat has ever smelled like oily death when it got wet in my presence.

      I have had cats for 35 years, and I have never owned one that was an indifferent loner as so many people claim. They have all had their quirks, but they have all offered affection and cuddles for at least part of every day. Dogs love everyone; cats love their people. I enjoy being their people.

      1. Windchime*

        This is how I feel, too. People don’t have to listen to my cat barking it’s fool head off for hours on end. The crotch sniffing; gahh. I hate, hate, hate that. And dogs just plain smell bad to me for the most part. I’ve never had a stand-offish or unfriendly cat, either. My current cat doesn’t really like strangers, but that’s because he is a timid, gentle soul. Also, cats are way more trainable than most people think. My cat knows a handful of words and he definitely knows what “no” means.

        Cats are quiet and able to be alone for a night or two; you certainly can’t leave a dog for that length of time. All in all, I’m a cat person. They just suit my personality better.

    17. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Team Cat here. I’m not interested in taking care of any animal that requires my presence and participation in order to relieve itself properly. I can take care of the litter box when it’s convenient for me.

      Also, damp scratchy tongues >>>> wet slobbery ones any day!

  46. Merci Dee*

    So, it starts …..

    My 13-year-old daughter shaved her legs for the first time this morning. We’d gotten her some good razors with wire across the blades to help prevent nicks, and some good shave cream to help everything glide easily.

    She’s ridiculously pleased with the results. I haven’t told her yet how frequently she’s going to be doing this, now that she’s started. I’ll save that little surprise for later.

    1. nep*

      Oh, man. I remember the day my dad saw me doing that at the bathroom sink — he freaked out. Why do you have to start doing that so early?! I was a cheerleader in middle school; I think that was part of the reason I was keen to start.
      I haven’t shaved my legs in ages. (I never wear anything exposing my legs but even if I did, I’m not sure I’d shave.)

      1. Reba*

        Heh. I too started young (12, using my older sister’s razor since I was way too embarrassed to talk to my mom about it) but haven’t shaved in maybe 10 years? I quit for a while in college, restarted, stopped again. Wearing shorts right now, righteously hairy.

    2. Ann Furthermore*

      If she doesn’t like using the shaving cream, have her try the blades with the conditioning bar around them. I think the brand is Intuition. I find them so much easier to deal with than a regular razor.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Ah, the never-ending leg shave.
      When I have money again, I think I might get a man’s electric razor and try that. I’m SICK of doing it in the shower and buying expensive blades every month. I use the Walgreen’s generic Studio Beauty thing, but they’re still pricey.

      1. Red*

        Dollar Shave Club really is delightful, I think their $6/month thingies are exactly like the ones I used to pay $20 for a pack of.

      2. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Do you know that I’ve shaved my legs everyday since I was 11 like some sort of lunatic? And I camp! I also once got a full body rash that was spread with a razor while I traveled through Europe and I still refused to stop shaving. It’s a sickness!!

      3. Traveling Teacher*

        Or, if you want to invest in a slightly longer-lasting solution, an epilator might be just the ticket. It hurts–like it really, really hurts–the first couple of times you use it. But, it’s kind of like plucking your eyebrows–hurts really bad at first, but now I barely feel it, and I only use it about once every 3 weeks on my legs. I got mine half-price during a Black Friday sale a couple years ago because they’re normally 100-200 euros or more.

        For anyone who doesn’t know what an epilator is: it’s a marvelous little machine that rips your hair out, looks like a tiny hair vacuum. Mine has little tools for every kind/location of body hair, but I really only use it on my legs. And, since it can be used dry, I can sit on a towel in my bathroom and watch Netflix while I use it–it’s great!

    4. TheOneWithTheDownyFur*

      I’ll bite. How often do women shave? I remember a friend once mentioned she does it every day in the shower. I was astounded. In summer, in my youth, I think I might have done it weekly. In my early twenties I didn’t do it at all. These days maybe monthly in summer? But never so much that it felt like “the burden of womanhood”. But then I have mostly sparse light hair. (The daily discussion with friend I think was prompted by my comment that if I wait too long, the hairs are so long they clog the razor and they I have to go over it twice.)
      So… I am curious, is there some secret female knowledge of “how often” that you will be telling her that somehow I missed? (Ah, now I remember. In my younger days I usually shaved just before I thought I might get some …. not sure that’s something to tell your 13-year-old. But that, plus wearing tights or pants, probably determined the frequency.)

      1. matcha123*

        I basically shave every day in the shower. My hair grows fast and it’s dark. Apparently a lot of women don’t need to shave their thighs. I envy them. My mom never really needed to shave and when I was growing up, she’d get angry with how often I went through disposable razors.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        As someone who lives alone, not often. In the winter, maybe twice? It gets cold here! But I just did mine yesterday, for the first time in maybe two months. But my leg hair is pretty blonde and soft so I can get away with less.

      3. FrontRangeOy*

        I wear dance tights when I want to wear hose so, nope, no shaving of legs at all over here.

  47. Aphrodite*

    Jury duty.

    I admit it, I hate it. When the notice came in the mail a couple of weeks ago, I could feel a deep, dark cloud of depression and anger sink into me. This past week was the one I was to call in and all goes well (“call us tomorrow”) Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then I get the dreaded note I had to appear on Friday.

    The check-in and orientation process dragged on longer than usual but I had brought three good books (not knowing which I’d prefer; that was “Casanova was a Book Lover”). A couple of hours later we are taken over to the courthouse and introduced to the judge and attorneys. I find out it is a criminal case but the “criminal” in this case is a corporation who did a big, bad no-no here a few years ago. You can hear the sound of more than forty jaws hit the floor when the judge tells us the trial is likely to go on until the end of August. And I am mentally calculating that if the trial is anything like a home renovation it might well go into October. *cue major groan*

    The judge lays out the seven exclusions and of the approximately 45 people present most got postponements . I wasn’t going to go through this thing again so I gritted my teeth and ended up being one of only twelve people left. We were again herded back to the jury assembly room to be met with a 35-page questionnaire. Even though my employer (a higher education institution) would pay me for any and all time I had to do this, I do not want to do it. But I answered the questions honestly, and I have to say that I am happy I did have very negative opinions about the defendant. I wasn’t shy about expressing them in clear detail. The attorneys and judge will be reading them next week so I am hoping I will be dismissed even before we have to reconvene next Friday to begin jury selection.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Juries are so important and it’s not good for our system that serving on one is so very, very unpleasant. I don’t blame anyone for trying to get out of it, the way it works right now. I don’t know how much of the inconvenience could be changed, a certain amount seems inevitable, but overhauling our approach would seem to be a win for all parties!

      1. Mimmy*

        I’m genuinely curious as to why so many people try to get out of jury duty. Sure, it’s not fun to just sit and wait for several hours, but I think it can be an interesting experience if you let it. My husband was picked for a jury last month for a trial that lasted maybe a week and a half. At first he did find it tedious, but as time went on, he became fascinated and said he’d do it again in a heartbeat. I too hope to serve on a jury one day.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Well, serving on a jury means putting everything else in your life — particularly your job and any travel plans — on hold for a completely unpredictable amount of time. And depending on the laws where you live, it can have a very serious affect on your paycheck, as there’s no federal law compelling employers to pay you while you’re on jury duty. If all trials were a week and half, like the one your husband served in, it might not be such a big deal, but sometimes trials go on for months.

          1. Celestine*

            Not to mention if the case ends up being a high-profile one, you’ll be harassed by everyone from the press to people who have very serious opinions on the case you’re on.
            Even people who were on the OJ case are still getting harassed to this day and some of them admitted they needed therapy to deal with the fiasco.

          2. Mimmy*

            Fair point. The trial my husband served on was originally supposed to last at least 3 weeks. I’ll admit that I was relieved when it ended as quickly as it did.

        2. Epsilon Delta*

          Having never been summoned for jury duty, I find the idea slightly exciting. Of course I can also see why people would not want to do it, and I myself would probably not enjoy it much once it started.

          It’s probably mostly a holdover from how when you’re a kid and you wake up with a fever you’re excited because it means missing school, even though you’re laying in bed staring at the wall most of the day. I still sometimes get excited about missing work for similar reasons.

        3. dawbs*

          Lots of reasons.
          Because jobs are required not to punish you, but they’re not required to PAY you–so if you make $10 an hour, but you miss 15 hours due to jury duty, congrats, you’re out $150.
          Because if you have work that simply piles up while you’re gone, you can come back to insane amounts of work. And if you’re sequetered, it just doesn’t get done. So if that grant you’re writing comes due in the middle of the OJ trial, you can assume that your nonprofit will just go under.
          Because scheduling to be away from home from 7:30 am to 5:45 pm isn’t always easy–people have things in their lives that need them and aren’t easy to find and pay replacements for, elder care, child care, dog walker, washing machine repair person, whatever–that’s exp.
          Because it doesn’t take into account the important things in life (and federal jury duty is FOREVER). if it lands over your daughter’s school play, guess what? you’ll never get to see her be “Annie” because thems the breaks.
          Because if you have any health (or mental health) problems exacerbated by sitting in a courtroom for x hours a day for unknown days on ends, you’re kinda SOL there too.

        4. Middle School Teacher*

          I’d think I’d find it interesting, but the thought of having to write sub plans for a week (or two or three…) is horrifying to me.

        5. It’s all good*

          I’ve been on a jury just once and enjoyed it. My issue with it was losing money as all my employer usually just pay for a day. And the daily rate is less than parking.

        6. Kj*

          I’m self-employed, so I would HATE to be on a jury, as I would make $0 while serving. Thankfully, once I tell them what I do, they reject me.

          1. CBE*

            Wish I could say the same. They’ve let me reschedule to a less busy time of the year, but I’ve always had to do it.

      2. Nye*

        Yeah, it’s a tough situation. I appreciate how disruptive serving on a jury for a multi-day trial can be to many peoples’ lives. On the other hand, our legal system relies on a jury of one’s peers, and having instead a jury of only the people who couldn’t get out of serving seems to really undermine that.

        I’ve never served, though I did once get to the point of being called in (spent the morning in a waiting area). I’d be willing to serve, since I do think it’s an important responsibility for all Americans. But I can think of lots of times when it would be professionally crippling to do so. That said, I’ve been told that I’m vanishing unlikely to ever be seated on a jury, since I have an advanced degree in science. Apparently lawyers don’t appreciate jury members who might understand forensic data.

    2. Sam Foster*

      Wow. You missed the point of the second word, didn’t you? Jury DUTY is one of the few duties we are obligated to as citizens of this country. Do you really have so little respect for your fellow community members that when you hear a “jury of their peers” you instinctively thinking “better anyone but me?”

      You don’t even have a legitimate hardship which the courts are set up to accommodate. Things like impacts on being a caregiver, disruption of income, etc. are all reasons to be excused from a jury.

      1. MMM*

        To be fair, not all disruptions of income are covered. My dad was self employed, so any days spent serving on a jury meant days with zero income

        1. Sam Foster*

          Try again: “Things like impacts on being a caregiver, disruption of income, etc. are all reasons to be excused from a jury.”

          1. dawbs*

            That’s the theory.
            In practice, I’ve seen fairly large impacts on being a caregiver and disruptions of income come from serving on a jury.
            Those people still served because they thought it was important to do so and they could do so, but it’s not always that clear cut.

            1. Sam Foster*

              Yes, the widely applicable theory that works most of the time. It’s unfortunate that there are exceptions as you noted and that is something that absolutely needs to be addressed.
              I’d hazard a wager that the exceptions would be few and far between if everyone who was summoned served.

        1. Dopameanie*

          TBH, my initial reply was less polite than Sam’s. (I thought better of it before hitting send)

          Americans are spoiled beyond comparison. All this talk of RIGHTS but no respect for the accompanying responsibilities.

          Drives me up a wall.

      3. OhBehave*

        I was thinking that if I was unfortunate enough to need a jury, I’d be happy to skip selecting Aphrodite if that’s the attitude. I was on a jury years ago, arson. It was fascinating. I was employed with a baby and husband. It worked out. I believe it was 2 weeks. My employer didn’t want me to leave. And yes, I did read that this trial could likely last much longer.
        I also believe the ‘payment’ is ridiculous. It should be much more due to missed income while performing our civic duty.

  48. Nervous Accountant*

    Any recommendations for books?

    I asked a few months back and was directed to Rachel Caine. Loved it. I’m going to check out the one Allison Recommended as well.

    I’ve read all or most of Gillian Flynn, loved Paula Hawkins’ book. Liked one of Mary kubicas (I hated the recent one SO badly i almost threw it). Recently read 2 of Megan Miranda. Any more authors I should check out? New or established Idc.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Oh, I love Rachel Caine! What series of hers did you like? I can recommend different things based on what you enjoyed. Patricia Briggs is one you might like a lot, particularly her Mercy Thompson series.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Ah, I’m not familiar with those. I’ve only read her urban fantasy stuff. Well, if you like fantasy at all, you might try Jim Butcher’s “Dresden Files” books. They’re very noir-detective + magic, and boy does he know how to ratchet up suspense!

          1. Lcsa99*

            Yes! This x100. The noir is awesome, his sense of humor wonderfully sarcastic and all of his books are impossible to put down.

          2. Red Reader*

            The Dresden books are annoyingly sexist, often in that “I’m going to write my Mary Stu self-insert character as a sexist douchebag but call it chivalry so that makes it okay” way. I enjoy the storylines, but holy crap is the main character annoying, so I have to be in just the right mood for him.

            1. DrWombat*

              Yeah all the sexual assault in the Dresden Books is too much for me, and the really squicky stuff that happens later. The misogyny in the books is just staggering. I much prefer Seanan McGuire’s stuff because a) no sexual assault, b) lots of queer people, and c) even her most noir-ish stuff has a lot of heart to it and it’s really wonderful. Pretty much everything Seanan has written is fantastic.

              1. Red Reader*

                Seanan McGuire (and her pen name, Mira Grant, for more science-y thriller stuff) is glorious and amazing. (Also a wonderful musician!)

            2. Engineering consultant*

              Another vote for Seanan McGuire (my favorite series from her is the Incryptid Series).

              Other recs in kind of the same vein (urban fantasy/paranormal fantasy sent in the modern day or after) are SPI Files by Lisa Shearin, Kate Daniels series & Innkeeper Chronicles by Ilona Andrews, All Souls Trilogy by Deborah Harkness (although this kind of veers towards romance), Age of X series by Richelle Mead, Magic Ex Libris by Jim C. Hines.

              I used to like the Dresden Files too, but yeah, the later books are sooooo so sexist that it requires a certain sense of ignoring whatever Harry Dresden is thinking and focusing on the other characters. I miss Mouse.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Oh, I think I recommended those! I’ll have to go through my Amazon account and see what else I can suggest.

    2. Dragonista*

      If you enjoyed Rachel Caine you may enjoy Kelley Armstrong- I really enjoyed her earlier books (Women of the Otherworld), less keen on the others.

      Is there a particular genre you prefer? I am if

      1. Dragonista*

        Whoops! I am a fan of sci fi, so if you like that then I recommend Ann Leckie, NK Jemisin, Martha Wells and Nnedi Okorafor

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Mo Hayder is in the same genre as Gillian Flynn, so you might give her a try. I loved Poppet but hated the Rape of Nanking.

    4. Ann Furthermore*

      If you like mysteries, try the Sebastian St. Cyr series by CS Harris. They’re set in London in the early 19th century, with a very strong female character who I just love.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve loved these books and the people I’ve recommended them to have also loved them, so I hope you do too.

      1. Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi – it tells the stories of two sisters, one a slave, the other the wife of a slaver, and their descendants. It feels like a collection of short stories and it’s just amazing.

      2. Burial Rites by Hannah Kent – the true, albeit fictionalised (due to lack of information), story of a woman in Iceland who has been sentenced to death for murder.

      3. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt – I didn’t expect to love a book about a stupid painting so much but I really, really did.

      4. The Amelia Peabody Series – because everyone needs Amelia Peabody in their lives when you need a little boast of humor, and overblown adventure.

    7. Former Employee*

      Lily and the Octopus by Steven Rowley (very sad)
      Life Drawing by Robin Black
      Sue Grafton’s Alphabet Series (at least through “S is for Silence”; after that, something changes, at least for me)
      JJ Jance’s Joanna Brady Series
      Heartburn by Nora Ephron
      Fly A Little Higher by Laura Sobiech (true story by a mother who lost her teen aged son to cancer; heartbreaking, but great)

    9. Applesauced*

      Look at Ruth Ware’s books – I read “The Woman in Cabin 10” over vacation last week and could barely put it down

    10. I Love Thrawn*

      Ali Brandon’s Black Cat Bookshop Mysteries, 6 so far. Light hearted series set in Brooklyn, with the black cat being Hamlet. He helps solve mysteries. Another reason to go Team Cat over Team Dog. :)

    11. Nervous Accountant*

      I picked up Allison’s recommendation. Can’t wait to read it. I also preordered 2 copies of the AAM book, can’t wait to get those either

    12. LCL*

      Ben Aaronovitch’ Peter Grant series. Urban fantasy about a cop in London. Humorous and funny. Stay with it,it takes him a while to get all his female characters in the action.

    13. DrWombat*

      Currently loving Cat Valente’s new book Space Opera. It’s like Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy crossed with Eurovision and so relentlessly optimistic I love it. The audiobook is also very very good.

  49. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans there’s now a groups.io group (link in username).

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk tabletop roleplaying games with.

    Come and chat, find an online game, talk about gaming podcasts, ask for playing or game-mastering advice and delve deeper into the RPG hobby.

  50. Tara2*

    So I’ve been dealing with MASSIVE neck/shoulder/back pain for the last few days. Slept *really* wrong on my side, and became practically immobile. I waited it out for a day, and when I woke up the next morning, it was even worse. Very sharp pain anytime I moved, had really limited neck movement, couldn’t even stand straight, or keep my head straight.

    Went to the doctor and I have to say. I love my doctor, she’s super kind and very competent. I also love muscle relaxants. I can move without the sharp pains. There’s still a dull ache, but at least I can move and be mostly comfortable.

    1. Tara2*

      Oh, final thought.

      If you wake up in the night feeling really warm, just get up and turn the fan so its pointing at your face. Don’t just haphazardly move your pillow and sleep like a weirdo so that you’re in the path the fan is already blowing. It’s NOT worth it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Did you end up with a Bell’s Palsy sort of thing? I have heard fans can trigger that.

        1. Tara2*

          Luckily not. I think the fan’s part in this story is just the reason why I slept in such a stupid position that ended up severely aggravating my muscles.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I had something similar when I started physical therapy last year, but it last for a couple weeks, and I found the only thing that helped was a massage from a massage therapist. I’d never been to one, but decided to go based on suggestions here. Oh man, did that help! It loosened up everything and I felt better within a day or two. But, yeah, muscle relaxers can be quite awesome, too. They just didn’t work for me in this situation for some reason.

    3. fposte*

      Umpteenthing the suggestion for massage therapy; in the meantime, try doing the standard tennis ball roll on the troubled area (foam roller as well, if you’ve got one). I have a kinetic system with little room for error these days, so I get stuff like this fairly frequently, and getting a regular massage/self-massage and stretching protocol is key.

      1. Tara2*

        Thanks for the suggestion. I feel like this injury is just a couple of days kind of thing, so I’m likely just going to wait it out alongside my medication. But if it continues to bother me into next week, I’ll look into getting a massage.

        I wonder how good my health insurance is as far as massage therapy goes. Its really good for prescriptions and mental health stuff (in that it covers 100% up to a pretty reasonable amount) so it might be good for massage therapy too.

  51. TGIF*

    I would love some advice from those who have cared for elderly family members, about my grandma.

    My grandma has lived by herself since my grandfather died about a decade ago. Her health is starting to slip but she’s still able to take care of herself, just very slowly. Recently she fell getting out of her chair and broke her arm, using her alert necklace to call for help. She’s currently in rehab which her insurance will run out of very soon. This will prompt a family discussion of what to do with Grandma.

    Grandma is determined to stay in that house until she dies because it’s where she feels closest to my grandfather (she has point-blank told us this). My mom and her siblings all believe that Grandma is hitting the point where she can’t take care of herself anymore but doesn’t want to admit it.

    We’re just trying to think of what options there are. Living with one of her children is hard for various reasons (my mom is the furthest away and works full time so wouldn’t be able to take care of grandma, one aunt/uncle pairing is going through bankruptcy, and the other two aunt/uncle pairings are taking care of very little cousins and can’t really care for her). Assisted living is terribly expensive but Grandma has reached the point where she’s having trouble even dressing herself and feeding herself. Does anyone have some advice they can throw our way?

    1. Turtlewings*

      Maybe in-home care? That can get expensive fast, but even having someone come by every day to help her out for a couple hours could help a lot.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Have you considered home care, like a nurse who comes by every day? I don’t know the cost but I know my mom and her siblings looked into it for a while. Luckily my grandma made the decision on her own to go into assisted living (it was like a tiered system — there were individual apartments, she could cook and clean for herself, then you could add on care or a meal plan, and there was a special wing for patients who needed full-time care, like dementia patients). I know you said she wants to stay in her home, but home care or tiered care could be a good compromise?

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      Really, really nag her to be ruthless about doing her physical therapy exercises. My mom is 87 and still lives on her own. She’s had a few health scares, and is always right on top of doing as much as she can right away. She’s even gone so far as to downplay how good she’s feeling so she can get a few more sessions with the physical therapist.

      Also, she said to hell with her vanity and now embraces using her walker. She was all grouchy about having to use it, but then said she realized that her walker is what keeps her living in her own house. Now she’s all about the walker and isn’t shy about speaking up if she thinks she needs it.

      I actually really admire her outlook and hope I’m as sensible as she is when I get older.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      There should be a social worker that you can talk with. The rehab facility should be able to point you in the right direction. They can help you figure out options, resources, etc. Or contact your local Area Agency on Aging (assuming in the US) for advice. there’s a whole network, you just need to get connected.

      You should look into aides/in home care. Depending on her overall physical capability, getting someone to help with housework/cooking/etc might be enough for now. On the other end of the spectrum, at some point you get to the point where the person simply can not live alone anymore. It can be a massive fight, and it can be pretty traumatic for everyone. I would recommend that regardless of the current solution, you start seriously talking with her about planning for the future. And not in a “I’ll be fine” way, but in a very realistic way, given the current issues and how it can go. Plan for further decline. Pulling her doctor into the discussion can be very helpful.

      If the family hasn’t, discuss with her what kinds of medical care she does and does not want. Again, doctor input might be helpful. I’m sorry, but there is an element of planning for your grandma to pass away. It’s not easy, but it will be easier in the long run if you do think about and discuss these topics. For everyone, your grandmother included.

    5. Reba*

      In-home care — she may qualify for some Medicare coverage for this. If she is resistant could you start with someone who does a little housework and prepares meals, then when she needs to move up to a higher level of care, she is already used to someone coming around.

      What is the situation of her assets? You all may want to talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder care about structuring any assets to be most effective for caring for her. Making contact with a geriatric social worker who will know about programs in grandma’s area that she could benefit from might also be a good idea.

      What (relatively) inexpensive changes could be done to her home to make it safer? Ramp up front steps? More railings on stairs and in bathroom? replacing rugs with low pile carpet or bare floors for less tripping, ditto decluttering furnishings so there are clear paths.

      My grandparents went into assisted living last year. The only regret my parents have about the process is how long they waited (I think on their clearer days, the grands agree, although they too were determined to stay put). Instead of making changes when they were still resilient enough to adjust easily to them, it was much more challenging to do it when people were already sick and confused.

      Good luck and good wishes to all of you. This is NOT easy.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      The rehab place will have to do an eval before she leaves. The eval may include a home visit to see how her home is laid out. It COULD happen the the rehab center says she cannot live alone anymore or she cannot live in that particular house anymore. (Too many stairs, bathroom unsafe, etc.)

      Random things.
      Hopefully the rehab place is reviewing with her how to keep herself safe getting in and out of chairs.

      Your town/county may have grants available for home owners with disabilities to have their homes modified to accommodate their current needs.

      In my area there is a program older people can sign up for through the post office. Basically, if the mailperson sees the mail from the previous day has not been removed, they will call for a safety check on that home.

      It could just be that the rehab place sees her trouble with dressing and eating and recommends a nursing home.
      There should be a person at the rehab place who plans people’s exits from rehab. You might find out who that person is and ask them which way they think this will go.

      It might be useful for your mom and sibs to talk to that exit planner also, so they can see what the main concerns are. My MIL had a left neglect from her strokes. This means she forgot about things on the left. We took the burners out of the stove that were on the left hand side. We taped signs over the knobs for the burners that said “NO!” That worked well. We put strong gates at the top of each stair well. If she walked passed a stair well and lost her balance she would not fall all the way down the stairs. Sometimes getting down in the details of things is the solution to keep them in their homes a while longer. The rehab place can help you find these ideas.

      If all else fails, you mom may need to tell her mother, “Mom, if you want to stay here, you must work on x, y and z.” Sometimes when they hear that they pull it together.

    8. Anona*

      Honestly, none of my 2 grandparents who went into assisted living wanted to. It ended up being medical events/car crashes that took away the choice. One thing to point out is that if she’s involved in the process, she’ll at least get a say about where she goes. But eventually if she’s not, she may have medical events that take away her choices.

      It may be getting to the point where she’s unable to safely drive, which is obviously unsustainable in most places (groceries, Dr’s appointments, etc). In many states there are ways to anonymously report an elderly person for unsafe driving, and often they’ll need to retake their test.

    9. Owler*

      Look into “A Place for Mom” online and read some of their planning guides. It’s a good place to start. You’ll want to consider all areas of her daily life before she heads home. Can she bathe and dress safely? How does she do at remembering her medications? How will she get groceries? Does she remember to turn off the stove after heating something?

      At-home health care aides can help your grandma stay in place longer. Depending on the community, the hourly rate may range from $13-25, and you should consider whether you’ll want to go with a higher priced agency (better coverage if an aide is sick) or someone who you hire on your own. Meals on Wheels may be an option. You can also look into senior community centers in her area to see if any exist.

      Honestly, it can definitely become expensive quickly.

    10. LilySparrow*

      My aunt lived at home until she passed at 96. She was on oxygen and part-time bedridden, though some days she could get around enough to warm up her own meals and putter around the house a bit. She lived 4 hours from the nearest family and refused to move.
      She had nurses who came to the house several times a week, which was fully covered by Medicare. She also paid out of pocket for part-time housekeepers/helpers, and had a network of friends who brought meals and library books, ran errands, visited regularly, and so forth.
      It’s not a lifestyle I would choose, but she was fully in possession of her faculties and knew what she wanted. And like I said, she lived to 96 and was in her own home until the last week of her life.
      Seconding the recommendation to talk to a social worker and research the state’s resources on aging and elder care. For people who don’t need 24-hour care or skilled nursing, part-time help at home can be more cost effective and keep them healthier, longer, because they stay in their normal routine and social network.

      Some states also have programs that help with updating the home to make it safer and easier to navigate (pull bars, shower seats, nonslip flooring, etc).

    11. CBE*

      On my inlaws side of the family, there was a college student who was willing to live in house and care for an elderly relative in exchange for room and board during grad school. It was a good solution for a few years.

    12. Becky*

      My grandmother had Alzheimer’s the last decade or so of her life, but was in fairly good physical health until a severe stroke six months before she passed away. After her husband passed away, my mother and uncle (her only two kids) would take turns staying with her a few hours during the day (about 6-8 hours a day accompanied total) but she could bathe, change clothes, get ready for bed and go to sleep without assistance. She could make some food for herself, but my mother and uncle would make sure there was easily accessible ready food. She would do things like forget to close the fridge, so my mother put a block of wood under the front of the fridge to put it on just a slight little incline to let gravity take care of the door. The days neither my mom nor my uncle could stay with her they hired a carer to stay for a few hours. (My grandmother had enough money but my mother and uncle obtained legal power of attorney sometime after her husband died when it became apparent she was not able to manage her finances.)

      I know they talked about getting her into an assisted care facility, but even just visiting my mother’s house (where she had been hundreds of times) she would be so forlorn and lost (it was honestly heartbreaking–she never got angry she would just get so sad). She felt safe in her familiar home, so they made it work as long as it was feasible. After her stroke she was paralyzed on one side and could no longer speak or walk and required around the clock medical assistance–that was when my mother and uncle moved her into a full time care facility.

      Given the circumstances you describe, I would suggest looking into home care resources in your area. Often they are less expensive than assisted living and can in some cases be covered by Medicare. If she needs someone just a few hours a day to help with key things (bathing, eating, changing clothes) it might be more manageable. However, what is her prognosis once the arm heals? Will she be able to then do more to feed herself or change clothes? Is this temporary or will her ability to care for herself not improve once she is healed? That may change the equation.

  52. Sunshine and Whiskey*

    This has mentions of that which we don’t discuss on the weekends but it’s about my relationship/support of a friend.

    A friend, Alexa, has been pursuing a career as an artist. I really do commend her on knowing what she wants to do with her life and pursuing it at any cost. She has had this drive since we were teens and I’d love her to achieve her goal. But I’m getting worried about her. It’s been about six years since we graduated from college and she is still struggling. She hops from one part-time gig to the next, scrapping by just barely enough to pay the bills.

    I’d gladly support this lifestyle if she was happy but it seems she rarely is. She talks constantly about the stress of finding the next temporary position, being without the paid time off and insurance benefits of a full time job, and counting her pennies to the point that she often declines to go to friend gatherings where she’ll have to pay (movies, night out at a bar, local festival, etc). Despite all this, she says she would never want an office job, that she can’t see herself in that role. She belittles the idea of office work to the point that I, a 9-to-5 office worker, am starting to feel annoyed and defensive. She’s also not entertaining much thought towards retail or food service, because she thinks it won’t give her enough money to make it worth her while, which yes can be true of part-time work, but would still be more steady than her temp jobs.

    Of course, it’s her life to choose what to do with it, but I’m frustrated and sad that she wants to continue down the path of the arts even though she has told me point blank that it’s messing with her mental health and financial stability. How can I support her when she has said that she herself is miserable but doesn’t seems to want to change anything about her life style?

    1. London Calling*

      No real suggestions, I’m afraid, but comments about never being able to work in an office really grind my gears – it’s generally meant to convey that the person saying that is such a free spirit and the rest of us are soulless ground down drones with no imagination or aspiration. You might want to point out that your office job allows you to pay the bills and gives you not only that privilege but funds the things you really want to do.

      Maybe suggest she does a cost/benefit analysis of her likely future if she carries on as she is? or depending on how well you know her ask why she carries on with something that clearly doesn’t provide her with much fulfilment or fun.

    2. Indoor Cat*

      Unfortunately, it is really hard to convince someone who is miserable that they should stop making choices that are making them miserable.

      Captain Awkward is an advice columnist who specializes in awkward conversations and relationship dynamics, and she was on the AskAManager podcast recently. One of my favorite posts of hers was #143, called ‘I Lent an Ear To A Friend– How Do I Get It Back?’ In the post, the LW describes a similar situation, where her friend often complains about her own life and criticizes LW’s choices, but never wants to change anything about her situation. Captain Awkward goes into detail, strategizing how to re-direct and end vent-y conversations, set firm boundaries, and introduce the kinds of positive conversation topics the LW misses having had with her friend. It might be worth a read.

      Regarding an artistic life in general, a wise artist once told me that, at the start, you’re either always short on money or always short on time. If you’re short on time, it’s because you’re spending a lot of time at your day job / career. If you’re short on money, it’s because you’re working part time in order to give yourself more time to paint, or you’re trying to make all your living from selling your art — which, in this day and age, could mean running a Patreon, or selling ads in your ‘zine, or living off an Artist in Residence stipend, or what have you.

      It helped me a lot, because I could then see it as an intentional choice. It also helps because I realize I can make a different choice later, if this doesn’t work out. If I don’t make enough from my art to quit my day job in five years, would I feel okay continuing to only paint early in the morning and on the weekends? What about in ten years?

      Or would I want to change something then– try to save up to live on part-time work and have a full afternoon and evening to work on paintings? Try to make a goal to dedicate more time to commercial art and commissions? Alternately, for someone who chose “short on money,” if making art eight hours a day doesn’t make you a stable living in five years, would you choose a day job? What about in ten years?

      You could try asking her those kinds of questions to get the wheels turning, but at the end of the day, you can’t change her mind for her.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Daughter of artist here. Quick question – are all her roles and the stress of trying to make ends meet interfering with her ability to focus on her art? Is she taking classes and refining/learning new techniques or doing anything towards her goal? Because if she isn’t able to actually DO what she is passionate about due to the lack of money, etc then that is a major problem.

      Being an artist involves a lot of compromise, learning how to take a lot of knocks, learning the business side of things, networking. However, you would be surprised at how “life finds a way” haha. We have a family friend who was a broke alcoholic in the early 80s – he is now a multimillionaire (and sober) because he realized at the beginning of the craft beer craze it would be smart to design and cast custom tap pulls. Some became professors, some tried other commercial ventures, but whether things survived or failed it never really mattered because there was always another idea to try, in a very large community where connections matter to get things done. Art, for the most part, doesn’t happen in isolation. Many of these folks were also fine with living in less than ideal circumstances for many years, if it allowed them the space and freedom to create. If shes not able to create, then this situation is not working.

      One last anecdote – I had a friend at a corporate job who provided design support for presentations and conceptual models. She painted in her free time, worked her art business, developed her contacts, etc. The office job was a means to an end that allowed her to create but she had a role that enabled her to be creative too in the 9-5. Not everyone is a drone! Also it can help in order to provide an understanding about how business works, which is the one major blindside of most artists.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Why not ask her? “I want to be a good friend to you. What can I do to support you through this?”

      I have to say that she is NOT supporting YOUR career choices. And this may/may not become a deal breaker as you go along. The relationship is a little lopsided in her favor right now, where you show concern for her and she reciprocates by… well not so much.

      You know I could think of jobs such as garden design or home interior decorating that would tap the artist in her. But if she is not receptive to suggestions, there is not a lot anyone is going to be able to do.

      One tool you might try when she gets negative is to suggest, “Well, what do you think you CAN do? Yes, all these things you mention have not gone well, that is true. But maybe you can think of an action plan you could follow up on.” Redirect to focus on options, but key point, have HER think of the options not you.

    5. CBE*

      My daughter is just starting out on a career as an artist after graduating with an art degree.
      What she has done is find a job (yes, an (GASP!) office job) that pays the bills and is low stress and leaves her with time and creativity left over for her art. It’s 35 hours a week, non-exempt but with benefits.
      She doesn’t LOOOOVE her desk job, but she intentionally sought out a situation where she could cover her bills AND pursue her art.
      Taking a job does not = giving up on your dream
      And without massive amounts of stress about money, she’s more free to be creative.

    6. LilySparrow*

      I know this is going to sound harsh, but I see this quite differently.

      It’s really not your place to approve or disapprove of her career choices, or whether she meets your standards of success.

      Very, very few artists in any discipline have achieved public success by what, age 27? 28? Even making a part-time living from their vocation can take longer than that. For a lot of people, having the freedom to spend six years experimenting *is* a success.

      Of course you want your friend to be happy, and I get why her negative comments about office work rub you the wrong way. And I get that it’s hurtful to realize that she’s choosing her flexible schedule over spending money on pricey outings with you. But declining sounds like a much more mature, responsible choice than racking up credit card debt to go drinking, or tagging along and being a mooch.

      If she couldn’t afford to go out because she had kids, would you be sad and frustrated? If she pinched her pennies because she was paying off medical school, would you pity her or give her credit for being disciplined and goal-oriented?

      From here, it doesn’t look like you’re very supportive at all. It looks like you’re pressuring her to make life choices that meet your criteria instead of her own. Why do you keep talking about her getting an office, retail, or food service job if she’s told you that’s not what she wants? What is there for you to be “frustrated” about?

      It sounds like you’re being very dismissive of her ambitions. She’s probably telling you the truth – she would not be happy in the same kind of career you chose. Obviously you wouldn’t be happy in her life either. If you feel like she’s denigrating your career, how do you think she feels when you keep giving her “helpful” suggestions about how to improve her life?

      If you see her mental and/or physical health deteriorating, tell her your concerns in concrete terms – not what you think she should do about it, but just the symptoms or issues you’ve seen manifested. If you’re sick of listening to her vent, tell her you don’t want to hear it anymore. But her financial and career problems aren’t yours to solve.

      She’s a grown woman. Give her the respect of believing that she knows how to make her own choices.

      1. Sunshine and Whiskey*

        Not sure if you’ll see this since it’s after the weekend but just wanted to respond. I appreciate you offering a different point a view because I do want someone to call me out if I’m not going about this the way I should.

        However, my friend does seek me out to talk about this. I made this post because we were hanging out earlier this week, chatting about fun things and listening to music, when she brought up her job situation and how miserable she is. I’m not being judgmental of her path; she has out-right told me she’s stressed to the max, short on funds, and not sure what she can do to change it. Because I don’t know the arts that well, I make the only suggestions I can think of that would give her a little more financial stability like temp office work and or retail, and she shoots it down, even though she asked my opinion. I don’t mean to do it forever, just for a few months to get her feet under her but she doesn’t want to entertain the notion. I have tried to think of and send her link to temp creative work that isn’t her dream job but would be something (art counselor for summer camps and museums, for instance), but there is few and far between that I can think of, and it doesn’t seem to pan out for one reason or another (and she does say she’s grateful I keep my eyes open for her and send her things, she’s happy for me to do that).

        I know other people who are pursing non-office careers that aren’t making a lot of money but are still really happy with their work. My friend has told me that she is losing her passion for her creative work because she’s so worried about everything around it like finances and benefits. I really am worried she is working herself to death, not even enjoying the work, and will be out of money very soon. This is not frustration that she can’t spend money on hanging out; this is real fear for her mental health and financial stability. And she knows those concerns because she has them herself. I’m just worried because she doesn’t seem to be doing anything to try to change it.

        But again, thank you for your point of view; I do appreciate the thoughts.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      I’m a musician who has always wanted office jobs. The benefits are awesome (the two weeks of vacation time is great for scheduling tours) and the schedule means you’re clocked out in time for gigs. So there’s that.

      The stuff you’re describing is one of the many reasons why I no longer have many musician/artist friends. Once you get close to 30, the cause/effect flips around. As in, once the fun 20s are over, the people who still live that way, they do so because they can’t fit in with standard society. Older people in the arts scene often couldn’t hold down day jobs even if they wanted to. There’s a reason why they were originally drawn to a lifestyle that makes them look cool for not having the basic markers of healthy adult living and for sometimes treating other people badly. If she doesn’t stop insulting you, it might be time to cut ties.

  53. AnonyAnony*

    Any ideas for keeping an active adult amused after shoulder surgery? We have TV, books, internet, cards, and puzzle books. But the patient is used to doing physical work all day. I know he’ll be bored once he’s off pain meds but not yet able to go back to work. He doesn’t enjoy sitting around the house and doing sedentary hobbies, but will be in a sling for 4-6 weeks.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, my husband broke a bunch of ribs and his collar bone. He walked and walked and walked.

        Early on it was not too hard to figure out how to keep busy. He would do a few things and get dog-tired. It’s as he healed up that the restlessness kicked in. Encourage your hubby that restlessness is a healing symptom. When people are really in pain or really ill they just sleep. They don’t worry about how to fill their day.

    3. deesse877*

      If he likes working with his hands, maybe try a new skill with a significant learning curve? Like sewing, or small appliance repair. If it has an obvious practical use it may feel less like BS to him.

  54. Vivid Galaxy*

    Okay so something strange happened to me on my vacation to visit family this week.

    I was helping out my Aunt by taking her son and my cousin to his part time job at a fast food joint, and walked him in because I wanted to catch up a bit and get some food. You know, pretty normal stuff. But the moment his manager walks out of the kitchen, he sees us talking (mind you, he was also refilling utensils and condiments, so definitely working), and stomps over to us, completely red in the face. First, he seethes at my cousin to go take over the cash register, and then flips out on me to the bewilderment of everyone else who could hear, which was more than just a few people. On and on, he screams at me about not being there on time and skipping shifts, and finished with handing me a mop and giving me bathroom duty. I was too baffled to actually say anything about any of it, so I just plopped the mop done in a corner and went to my car, him following me and screeching into my ear the entire way, until I finally drove off.

    For the life of me, I can’t figure out where got the idea that I worked there. I had no uniform, I was what are essentially my pajamas, and I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE. Even when I asked my cousin and his own coworkers/friends if anyone knew what he was going on about, and absolutely none of them did. And one of them had been working there for two years, so they would have known if I looked like one of the employees that never showed up.

    1. Turtlewings*

      That is completely bizarre, and I absolutely think your response should be to go out there and start screaming at him (in front of all his customers and employees) about the STD he gave you.

      2. Vivid Galaxy*

        I, uh, might have cackled a little too loudly at this. My dogs are worried about me now.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Send a letter to corporate. This is so off the wall. However, even if you were an employee this guy has the managerial skills of bug. No, wait. Bugs manage better. This is how he treats employees? Something is very wrong here.

      1. Vivid Galaxy*

        See, I even aked my cousin if that was how he normally was, and he said, he had never seen him do that in his life. And there isn’t a corporate, it’s locally owned, and don’ worry, the owner was there and equally baffled. Apparently he stands a good chance of being fired if the owner’s spouse can convince them to touch this whole thing with a ten yard pole.

        Honestly, I just want to know who exactly he thought I was. Oh well, I’m out of town right now, so it’s out of my hair, at least for now.

        2. Epsilon Delta*

          The fact that you don’t look like another employee and that this behavior is apparently out of character for the manager concerns me. I would be worried that there was something going on health-wise or that he was under the influence. Not that that changes what you need to do here (which is nothing other than be baffled), but maybe offers an explanation.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I was thinking you had a doppelganger until your last paragraph. Your cousin would absolutely notice if another employee looked like you. So now I’m completely weirded out!

      1. Vivid Galaxy*

        That’s the only thing I could think of too. But nope, he’s never done any of this before, according to the one working there for a couple of years.

    5. Anona*

      Time to report him to corporate. The owner of the fast food place would definitely want to know if their manager is unstable and yelling at customers.

  55. MsChanandlerBong*

    I am obsessed with the Tiny Kittens live feed on YouTube. They currently have three mama cats and nine kittens in their care, so it is nothing but cuteness 24/7. My name is linked to the YouTube feed.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I have been watching TinyKittens since Sugarplum’s days. The current batch are so emotional with losing four of them and the cleft palate kitten (who is so feisty that I am sure Shelly will find the purrito harder and harder as time goes on). And I am sure that Chloe and Ramona will find a home together.

      I love Riska and would love to have her. If I had the funds to fly up there I’d take her in a second. And I worry about the other three who are getting little attention now. If Shelly doesn’t get these adopted I don’t know what she is going to do.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      They’re adorable :)

      do you know about the Critter Room too? His was the first kitten cam on the net I believe.

  56. Merci Dee*

    Score!

    Kiddo and I went to a local flea market and antique shop to check out their book booths. We’d gone last weekend, and I found 3 of the hardcover 1980s reprints of the original Nancy Drew mysteries – I devoured all of them over the course of the week. When we checked that booth today, I found 5 Hardy Boys mysteries in the same hardcover 1980s reprints. Can’t wait to read them!

    Anyone else like to go back and re-read books from your childhood? After the Hardy Boys books, I think I’m going to jump into The House of Dies Drear again. I loved it when I had to read it in school.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I used to read these once a year. I skipped the last couple of years though.

        My favorite to re-read is The Westing Game.

    2. Phrasing*

      I’m reading the Boxcar children aloud to my 4.5 year old now! I’m making some slight modifications along the way (the gender roles leave something to be desired) but we’re in book 3 and she’s loving them.

    3. Red Reader*

      I just recently reread the Little House books and the series that starts with A Wrinkle in Time.

      1. Former Employee*

        I haven’t read any of Madeleine L’Engle’s fiction, but I really enjoyed “The Crosswicks Journals”, which are her memoirs (4 books). She lived at Crosswicks, an old farmhouse, in CT.

      2. the gold digger*

        “A Wrinkle in Time” is the only book I have owned since I was a kid. I love that story. I even used a WIT reference in a promo at work recently. Considering most of my target market is middle-aged men (ie, VPs of Finance and Supply Chain), I doubt many of them will get it, but the graphic artist who worked on it with me and I were thrilled to do it.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I not only re-read my childhood books, I still have almost all of them. A whole bookcase full, supplemented with books I read as a young adult and bought at library sales. A few of them I read from the school library and found online or in secondhand bookshops years later. I have all the Little House books and re-read them every year or so, plus all Beverly Cleary’s Ramona books and some of her others. My sister and I particularly loved Fifteen. “Jane’s mother asked, ‘Just who is this Stanley Crandall?'” LOL!

      Nancy annoys me now. If she’s such a great detective, why does she always manage to get knocked in the head and kidnapped? You think she’d learn not to go sneak around a potential lair on her own, or at least pay attention when she does. Or maybe she keeps doing that because,/i> of the knocks in the head. :P

      I did get rid of all my Trixie Belden books for a couple of reasons. First, I’d reached the point where I just could no longer read them; they were too dumb. And second, I mentioned them to one of my skating coaches several years ago and she told me she found Trixie Belden porn online and it blew her mind that Rule 34 really was true. I went home and looked it up and AHHH MAH GAWD. Ruined. for. ever.

      2. Merci Dee*

        I have to admit that it was weird to re-read books that were originally written in the 30s-40s, published in the 50s, and re-published in the 80s. Here’s Nancy, running around to solve a case, and she has to detour miles out of her way to find a phone. I’m sure she’d have had fewer traumatic brain injuries and been concussed far less if she’d just had a handy-dandy cell phone. And also, if she’d read The Gift of Fear and learned not to walk into a dark lair if something felt a little weird.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      I go back to childhood books for comfort reading. I also enjoy reading older children’s lit as a hobby, so there’s some stuff I’ve picked up as an adult that I hadn’t encountered at the library as a kid. A lot of the older authors are public domain now, which makes it easy to get hold of. For the older books – the Little House books, Anne of Green Gables series, Little Women books, Susan Coolidge’s Katy books, the Narnia series. Swallows and Amazons has just hit the public domain if you’re in a Life+50 country, so I’ve now go the first 7 books of that series on my Kindle.

      For newer (still in copyright) stuff, I’ve dipped back into things like Helen Cresswell’s Bagthorpe series (first four books only), Cynthia Voigt, Lloyd Alexander, Madeleine L’Engle, Noel Streitfield. I never got into Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys, but Elinor Brent-Dyer and Elsie J Oxenham fulfill my gigantic series collecting needs.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Me too! I love reading older children’s lit–it’s oddly soothing to me in a way. Next up on my list (all your older books are among my faves!) is the Betsy-Tacy series.

      2. Book Lover*

        It is hard to get all the Chalet books, though. They used to sell them in rotation, so they weren’t always in print. Then they became more available through eBay but so expensive. I will start looking to finish my collection though.

        Voigt and Alexander always a good choice.

        1. Caledonia*

          There is a British (small) publishing company that re-issues Chalet School books, Oxenham etc.

          Google Girls Gone By Publishers.

          From, another Chalet School collector. There is also a forum called ‘ The CBB’

    6. NiceOrc*

      I love Diana Wynne Jones, and can always re-read her books. Also Eva Ibbotson, and Joan Aiken.

  57. Merci Dee*

    Score!

    Kiddo and I went to a local flea market and antique shop to check out their book booths. We’d gone last weekend, and I found 3 of the hardcover 1980s reprints of the original Nancy Drew mysteries – I devoured all of them over the course of the week. When we checked that booth today, I found 5 Hardy Boys mysteries in the same hardcover 1980s reprints. Can’t wait to read them!

    Anyone else like to go back and re-read books from your childhood? After the Hardy Boys books, I think I’m going to jump into The House of Dies Drear again. I loved it when I had to read it in school.

  58. catsaway*

    I posted a couple of weeks ago about being stressed about my wedding which is happening right in the middle of defending my dissertation and moving half way across the county for a post-doc.
    I have some updates. I talked with my fiance and now we’re doing the reception for his side of the family with Christmas so we only have to travel to see my family in the fall, and my family is 3 hours closer to our new home than his, which makes a weekend trip much more feasible. He showed me some ceremony ideas he was researching, so I know he’s following through with planning that. My dress and shoes together cost $230 and the shoes I will definitely use again, the dress I could use if I ever go to a cocktail event that’s not a wedding so not to horrible a waste of money there.
    I still feel like I could take or leave the whole event, but I’ve realized the ceremony was really stressing me out so as long as I don’t have to be on display for people (i.e. walk down the aisle), it should be ok.

    Question: Another woman in my department also just got engaged so a mutual friend/coworker wants to throw us a joint bridal shower/bachelorette party. The event will be at the coworker’s house and I’ve told her to make ‘no gifts’ explicit, since it’s a coworker event and there are 2 honorees. So the other engaged woman is actually into bridal events and parties in general much more than I am, and has suggested crafting as an activity for the party. Since I’m moving I don’t want to do anything that will encourage me getting more possessions since that’s just more stuff to pack. Does anyone have any ideas for party games/activities that would go over ok with a group of co-workers? Given time of year there’s a 99.99% chance that the weather will be good, but it could in theory rain.

    1. Anono-me*

      Letters of advice on what to do to keep your new marriage going strong ( or what to avoid doing). Every one writes a page on pretty paper and maybe decorates it. Put it all in a pretty folder. You can have people decorate the pages at the shower. You can also (If you tell/warn people ahead of time.) have everyone read the advice and guess who wrote the advice.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Maybe an edible “craft”? Making some kind of fancy Pinterest-y goodies together. That can be fun and gets people chatting.

      1. catsaway*

        That’s a good idea – I like cooking and baking but never have the time/desire to make things look really nice so finding a good dessert would be fun.

    3. OtterB*

      Not an activity, but a fun way to do a shower where people bring something but you don’t have too much “stuff” to deal with: A recipe shower. Everyone brings their favorite recipe on an index card with a note about where it came from or what they associate with it.

      Maybe this is obsolete in the Internet age but I really like my recipe box with things from my mom and old friends.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for this idea, I like cooking/baking so I wouldn’t mind a recipe collection. And since it’s an academic department in the hard sciences there are a lot of international folks and people from all over the country so it’d be easy to get a diversity of recipes.

  59. Handy nickname*

    I’m getting a bunny! I’m really excited to bring a new friend home, and have everything all set… I just need to find the right one. I’ve been checking animal shelter websites for about a 2-hour radius and keeping an eye on Craigslist- any other suggestions on where to find a bunny that needs a new home?

    Also, any bunny tips appreciated! I live alone, so she’ll be home alone most the day, but it sounds like they sleep a lot during the day anyways. I got a nice hutch and also a baby gate so I can block off the kitchen and give him room to run around.

    My apartment is pretty warm, so I’m planning to get a couple of those little granite slabs for a cool place to lay, and I’ll have a water bottle & bowl for backup just to be safe. Any other suggestions?

    I can’t wait!!

    1. fposte*

      See if there’s a House Rabbit Society anywhere near you. They’re the people to know, and you’ll get plugged into the bunny network that way–they’ll know the rabbit-savvy vets, petsitters, etc.

      Have fun! Bunnies are characters.

      1. Handy nickname*

        Just checked and there’s no chapter in my state. Boo :( I’ll check out their website for other tips though!

    2. FrontRangeOy*

      Here’s kind of a creative, off the wall suggestion for ideas and support. Contact your local university extension office and ask if they can connect you with a 4-H student doing a rabbit project. 4-H is big on community service and demonstrating your knowledge so you get good evidence based advise and they get an opportunity to demonstrate knowledge and log an hour of community service. Particularly ask about how to assess body condition and about “posing” (showmanship, but good for developing strong bonds between you and your bunny and make any future vet visits less stressful).

      Mom of a bunny project kid hat on: Sounds like you’re pretty well set up. Make sure to ask if your rabbit is more comfortable drinking from a dish or from a ball feeder so you have the right sort available. We feed orchard hay, as

      1. FrontRangeOy*

        Lost half my comment, oy

        We feed Prince Hans as much orchard or timothy hay as he can possibly eat. He gets “rabbit kibble” at a ratio of 1 Tablespoon per lb of body weight. When it’s cold (his hutch is inside our protected back porch) he gets his kibble at night along with alfalfa hay. Alfalfa hay is high in carbohydrates and can make a healthy bunny fat and sick really fast if he doesn’t actually need it.

        Hutch Bedding: We like the wood pellet kind that swells and fluffs up in water. It’s easy to store and cheaper than any other bedding materials we’ve looked at.

        Prince Hans is rather cat-like in that he has an affinity for high places. We put a nest box in his hutch. He does not use it for sleeping inside. No, he sits on the top of it and considers himself master of all he can see. Your rabbit may enjoy the same.

        Rabbit proof your kitchen if he’s going to hang out there! No cords or cables. No loose boards a bunny can pull on. Things need to be chew proof or be aware that he might try to chew.

        Rabbits can be litter box trained, which may be a useful project if you want your rabbit to be able to run loose for longer periods of time. I would suggest training rabbit to be comfortable in a harness and leash; it’s another good bonding thing and again, if you have to take your rabbit to a vet, go to a show, or just want to play in a park, you can do all those things.

      2. FrontRangeOy*

        I missed your question about places to look for a bunny. 4-H should know about local breeders as well. American Rabbit Breeders Association has a searchable state by state list. And of course there’s always your local humane society – ours always has a few bunnies in need of a happy home.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Oh what fun!
      We had a bunny at one point. She was a mini-lop. She was mostly hair, if she got wet there was nothing to her.
      Bunnies are very trainable, I only had her a few years but she learned 13 commands. Teach her “home” to mean she should get back in her cage.
      Bunnies thump to signal danger. We did not realize we had bats coming in under the eaves above a certain window. She would thump in front of that window and I would run to see what was wrong. Of course, I found nothing and it took a while to connect the thumping to the bats. However, in the mean time, the bunny learned if she wanted my attention she should thump. Her thump morphed into “play with me!”.

      The hind legs are unbelievably strong. I saw her jump higher than the kitchen table from a standing start. She never figured out that she could land on the table, fortunately. My father gave her a clay chimney liner pipe. She LOVED it. Sometimes she just laid in it, other times she would run through it repeatedly. (It was only about 14 inches long.)

      If she smelled food she knew she could have she would tug on the hem of my pants. I would be cutting up watermelon and feel this tug on the bottom of my pants. One day she got a Sweet-n-Low wrapper. My husband bent down to take it from her. She swatted his hand with everything she had. He said it was like being hit with a flying cotton ball. He got the wrapper once he finished laughing.

      It’s a lot of fun and they are very interesting. You will have to let us know what kind you get.

    4. Kuododi*

      Delightful!!! When DH and I were finishing our residencies we had a Netherland Dwarf bunny. He was the color of hot chocolate with black tips on his ears. At the same time we had an iguana bc I had an attack of newlywed silliness. (You want an iguana DH? No problem my sweet!). That poor bunny kept skulking around the apt staring at the iguana as though he was invading from Mars!!!! Enjoy your new family member!!!

  60. AlmostAcademic*

    Thinking about moving to a (sketchy?) neighborhood, wondering if anyone has thoughts or experiences with doing something similar.

    Basically, there is one area of my university town that’s consistently recommended NOT to live there. Called the ghetto, mostly because of a higher crime rate (although that’s dropped in the past few years) than other areas. I think a large part of it has to do with a perception issue as well, since the university is made up primarily of wealthy white kids, and that area of town is primarily a low SES historically black neighborhood.

    When I talk to current residents of the place, and a few other friends who live around the general area, they mention that they’ve never had issues or felt unsafe over the past year. I love the house itself, there are very few other options around town that I’ve found that I like, and it would cut my rent by 30-50% (which is huge on my budget!). Plus I would be able to walk to work, be closer to a lot of my favorite places in town, have my own bathroom, etc. But I’m not sure if I should be listening to the warnings that everyone (from outside the area) and the police crime stats are giving me? I also don’t want to be someone who just comes in and is part of a neighborhood gentrification problem either.

    Am I being stupid by still serious considering moving to this place? Or does anyone have advice?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I would give much more weight to people who already live there. I too live in a “bad area”. Never mind that it’s actually safer than the “good area”. People develop stereotypes, it’s normal. It’s also not always good.

    2. buttercup*

      I haven’t been in your exact situation, but I live in what is basically a gentrified neighborhood, and while it’s nowhere near like the neighborhood it was 10 years ago, the occasional muggings and break-ins still happen. However, if you’re vigilant and keep your doors locked, it should be fine. I also recommend trying not to stand out too much in terms of displaying any sort of wealth (ie, keeping gadgets visible on you, wearing jewelry and any expensive accessories, etc.)

      Something to also think about is being a potential gentrifier and what that could mean for the community you’re in. People in the neighborhood might resent you because enough middle class white people moving into a poor neighborhood could, over time, could result in increased rent and displacing lower-income tenants and local businesses. I’m not judging you, as I’m technically a gentrifier myself, but that is the outcome I’ve observed.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I have also lived in a sketchy neighbourhood. I currently live where I like to call “scary-neighbourhood adjacent”. In some ways I felt safer in the sketchy area; I found everyone was vigilant there. Here, people are more chill because it’s safer, but then when things happen, everyone seems shocked. Stuff happens everywhere, you just have to be alert. People in my city were so shocked when the police busted a crack house in one of the new, expensive neighbourhoods. You just never know.

    4. Saturday*

      You can safely ignore any opinions rich WASPs have about low income Black neighborhoods. I live in what’s considered a “sketchy” (racially diverse) town when in reality it’s strictly average/slightly above average. I’ve grew up here and never had any issues. Whether you should worry about the crime stats really depends on what crimes are actually being committed and how they compare to the state and national averages, not how they compare to where you live now. The fact the crime rate is dropping and people who actually live there feel safe is a good sign tbh. People who live in truly dangerous places know it.

    5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I would also put much more weight on what the people who live there say. People who never lived there warned me not to move into the neighborhood I lived in before where I lived now. I lived there 12 years and *never* had a problem, short of being approached for money from time to time. After awhile, the neighborhood did seem to deteriorate, and we moved. I obviously don’t know the neighborhood you are referring to, but it sounds from your post like the positives really outweigh the negative. And if you’re renting as opposed to buying, in a worst case scenario it shouldn’t be an absolute nightmare to move later if you find you’ve made a mistake. Good luck.

    6. Melody Pond*

      I second (fifth?) what many above have already said. A stereotype about a neighborhood is not the same as hard data and statistics. I actually feel maybe a little less safe in my generally-white, generally-rich urban neighborhood now, than I did in our old neighborhood, which was stereotypically considered the “ghetto” area of my city (because, yes, lots of poor people of color… my dad actually made a comment about it once that horrified me).

      When we were looking to move, Mr. Pond was really thorough about finding actual statistical data from local government on different types of crime rates for the different neighborhoods we were considering. He was particularly interested in vehicle break-ins, because we had a car at the time, and would’ve been parking it on the street – so we weighted that one heavily. Also, consistent with what I said above, the crime rates (in general) for where I live now are actually higher than they were in our old neighborhood.

      So, if you can, I’d find similar sources of reliable statistics (the website we used primarily seemed to be an aggregation of police data/county assessor data, and such) – and decide which ones are most relevant to you/which ones you’d be most concerned about. And then if those rates seem high, think ahead of time about what you’re going to do to combat that issue. For us, when we still had our car, we were *very* diligent about keeping the car completely empty (and a little dirty), so it wasn’t an appealing target for break-ins.

    7. Shiara*

      I’d suggest digging into the crime stats a little more. Is it mostly non-violent drug and traffic offenses? Domestic altercations? Higher rates of monitoring resulting in higher rates of apprehensions? Home invasions? Car theft? Homicides between people who know each?

      Assuming you’d be renting still, how easy would it be to break the lease and move if you realised you felt unsafe? Have you been to the neighborhood after dark? Do people seem to park on the streets without a problem? Do you see people with stuff left in their cars? Would you feel safe walking around it after dark?

      Based on what you’ve said you’ve heard from people who live in the area, it sounds like the neighborhood would probably be perfectly fine, and it’s largely a perception issue, but it’s worth digging into the crime stats a bit to double check.

    8. FrontRangeOy*

      I live on the “bad” side of my community also. Like yours, it’s a neighborhood that’s currently low SES and largely hispanic and black. However, it’s also a beautiful, historic part of town, one of the older neighborhoods and there are many places where you can see the history, the homes are lovely, the yards well maintained. And when I talk with people around town, most people remark on how much they love my part of town, the friends they grew up with there, how nice the neighborhood school (that my kids go to! <3) was and so on.

      The house you're looking at could be absolutely wonderful and perfect for you. Especially being close enough you can walk to work!

    9. deesse877*

      Crime rates are historically low nationwide (with some exceptions), and most middle-class white people straight up don’t know this fact. They tend to assume that everything gets worse all the time, that poverty = naked chaos. In my experience, they therefore tend to conflate the signs of under-capitalization and absentee landlords (empty buildings, buildings in need of repairs, derelict cars, tagging, etc) with a real threat to personal safety. It’s 1000% illogical, and as other posters have said, you should weight the informed perspectives of current residents much, much more heavily than rumors.

      Now, all that said, if you do make the move there are techniques for dealing with daily life in this neighborhood that you probably lack, and will have to learn. Some pertain to protecting your property (e.g., get a club for your car no matter how crappy your car may be), but most are just about being neighborly. Residents may well think of you as a gentrifier if you are white or white-passing, and while you can’t change anyone’s mind you can be extra-respectful (particularly of older people). They may have a different standard of politeness in daily interactions; I’m white and professional and live in a similar neighborhood, and it took me a long time to realize that store clerks strongly expected me to say hello as I checked out, and felt snubbed when I didn’t. Things like that.

      Finally, it’s good to remember that even if a neighborhood has a relatively high crime rate, most of the people who live there are victims of that situation, not perpetrators of it, and they’d like it cleaned up too.

      2. Anon Ex-Wife*

        A+++++ on this comment to be neighborly!

        In the city where I used to live, there is a trend of younger white people moving into historically African-American neighborhoods. The longer-term residents tend to say “hi” to one another on the street, use the neighborhood barber shops, etc. But the newer arrivals tend not to be in the habit of being so neighborly. No eye contact, earbuds in the ears all the time, eat at the hipster restaurants but don’t patronize the corner stores. The disconnect can lead to tension, fueled by fear that trust-fund babies will come in and gentrify the rents skywards.

    10. Anono-me*

      You might want to talk to the police station that takes care of the neighborhood you are considering. I have done this and found the officers to be pretty forthright.

      A good friend of mine in real estate said the difference between a nice neighborhood and a scary one was how the kids played outside. In a nice neighborhood, kids might be loud, but they played well together outside and there were always several adult outside nearby doing something while discreetly keeping any eye on the kids. In a scary neighborhood, either the kids were all inside or they were bullying and picking on other kids without any adult intervention.

      No advice on the gentrification concerns.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Good point about kids playing. I’d follow it up with general observations about how the community uses the street.
        I’ve lived in diverse working-class urban neighborhoods that definitely would have looked “sketchy” to folks from my hometown and folks from the pricey side of town. The long-term residents spent a lot of time hanging around outside on stoops, corners, etc. To outsiders that could read as “shady” or “low-class.” But there’s a big difference between a street corner with illicit business being conducted, versus a street corner full of mom’s with strollers and/or grandpas playing checkers.

        This may be a regional thing, but one marker I learned was pretty reliable was if people let their dogs poop on the sidewalk and don’t clean it up. It sounds silly, but I’m serious.

        Blocks where the poop accumulated had one or more people asserting dominance in a destructive way, with nobody willing to confront them. Blocks that got cleaned up had a community with a strong sense of mutual accountability.

    11. Temperance*

      So, I would take the crime stats with a grain of salt, but I would also check on what kinds of crimes are happening before making a decision.

      I can’t really comment on the gentrification issue because I don’t think it’s as simple as “you’re white, don’t move to a black neighborhood”.

    12. catsaway*

      As others have said, listen more to current residents than to rumors. Some neighborhoods can really be block by block. I grew up in a residential neighborhood in a large city – lots of small houses, duplexes and small apartment complexes. Where I was was fine, but if you went 3 blocks in one direction, past a park it was totally different and actually sketchy. Not drive by shooting sketchy, but the landlords were basically all slumlords and that part of the neighborhood contributed to most of the crime stats. So if you looked at a crime map the neighborhood didn’t look good, but none of the crime crossed the park (My parents have been robbed once in >35 years).

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      This is unfortunately one of those situations where it’s hard to pressure individuals to make dangerous decisions just to prove a point about not being racist or classist. It’s also easy for men to tell women that certain scenarios aren’t unsafe.

      In my experience, if you live in an area where people aren’t working 9-5 jobs (I’m not saying that they don’t work or WANT to work) and you are, you’re going to be living in a neighborhood that isn’t synced up to your schedule. You may want to go to sleep at 10 pm, but that’s when many of the hardworking service and retail workers are making the most noise at home. If they don’t have to get up early, they won’t go to bed early, and that SUCKS for someone who needs to sleep at those times.

      This is how neighborhoods become segregated by social and economic class but if you want to get a good night’s sleep and feel safe (which is something only you can decide for yourself) you might need to make a choice that doesn’t represent your overall ideals.

  61. buttercup*

    Being a hopeless romantic is ruining my life and I need help.

    I’ve always been in a pattern where I have never been truly satisfied with the relationships I have had with the notion that I am still yet to meet the “perfect” guy. I also don’t really like online dating because I never feel a “spark” or chemistry with the guys I meet. I do, however, develop hopeless, intense crushes. Currently, he is a wonderful man I befriended a year ago…but he has a girlfriend. For some reason, the fact that he met his gf only a month before me annoys the crap out of me, because I always wonder if I would have had a chance if I met him first.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that sounds frustrating. Can you detect any pattern in your crushes? You crushed on the last one when he wasn’t available–is that usual? It’s not uncommon, if so; a lot of people find it easier to be vulnerable and open to possibility when the risk is mitigated.

    2. Kj*

      If you really want to change, consider therapy. You seem, from this description, to have a cinderella complex- “one day my prince will come” sort of thing. I hate to say it, but my friends who are this way don’t end up in relationships ever, unless they make an effort to change this way of thinking. You could also be risk adverse and so you don’t want to actually try with anyone who is a possible date.

      1. Kuododi*

        Big second on the counseling recommendation!!!! My Dad always told me growing up that “Prince Charming is a myth.” That was part of why he was always so motivated for my sister and I to have the best education possible to prepare us to be able to function on our own. The rest of this stuff sound like an overdose on Hallmark movies and 80s power ballads. Gack!!! Not to discount the benefits of the warm, sexy feelings towards ones mate, but personally I have found that true love comes in being by DH’s side through the joys and banalities of life. He’s the one who told me when I first got the cancer DX that he didn’t care if we had any children…he just wanted to be able to be with me for as long as possible. He held my hand through every follow up exam for five years afterwards until the Drs gave me the all clear. That’s my idea of true love….but it will never be made into a pop tune or a movie of the week. We will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary in a few months!!! Well I am up too early in the morning bc the insomnia is acting up.
        I don’t want to end up rambling too much except to say I really hope she takes a good long look at this notion of the “perfect” mate and throws that stuff in the circular file!!! As long as one deals with humanity, one will never find perfection. It doesn’t exist. Best wishes!!!!

      2. buttercup*

        From what I’ve heard about “Cinderella complex”, it describes girls who are dependent on guys. I may not be interpreting it accurately, but I consider myself to be pretty independent. I’m career-driven, first off, and am financially self-sufficient. I am picky about guys, though.

    3. Indoor Cat*

      Chemistry is weird. Some people exude charisma and charm, some people have none; some people are aroused and attracted by pretty much anyone who pays them attention and has mastered the basics of hygiene, and others are so rarely aroused or attracted they identify as asexual, demisexual, or aromantic.

      And some people have found that they only have chemistry with someone after they’ve built up an emotional connection first.

      It’s all pretty arbitrary, tbh. I think the phenomenon of, “All my love / crushes / attraction goes unrequited, and I cannot requite the love / crushes / attraction of others with feelings for me” is actually really common, and it just remains the case until…it just stops? Like, at some point, you will crush on someone who crushes on you, and then, hey! That’s it, that’s the guy, y’all get married or whatever suits you.

      I know that until that happens, it can feel like you’re doomed to a life of mismatches. But. You’re probably not. And you’re probably not doing anything wrong– being too judgemental or sending out the wrong signals or whatever people tend to worry they might be doing. It’s just a thing that happens to a lot of people.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Perfect timing! I finally, finally convinced myself to get off the couch and clean up the yard!

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Yard done! (Well, I kind of three-quarter-assed it since I just ran the mower over the leaves instead of raking them. But it looks so much better!)

  63. many bells down*

    After 18 years, I bought myself a new car. My Saturn was so old it still had crank windows and a tape deck. Car shopping was far less painful than I remember. Maybe it’s having access to things like Carfax and the internet, or maybe I’m just more assertive and less inclined to listen to sales bullshit now.

    I got a 2015 Honda CR-V and I’ve been driving all over town this week and loving every minute of it. Even the Seattle traffic.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Tape decks! Oh the nostalgia!

      Congrats on the shiny new car! I have a Honda as well (2010 Civic) and it’s been a dream.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Wow! I also went from a Saturn to a CR-V, how funny.

      While the CR-V is by all measures a vastly better car (it even gets about the same gas mileage as the much smaller and much less powerful Saturn)… I have to say, I still miss my Saturn. That thing went 110,000 miles before we gave it away to a family friend and although it was essentially held together by duct tape at the end, and it never really had a heater, and the back window was held up by a block of wood, and it required “audience participation” to get it to merge onto a highway… it only *twice* in 110,000 miles failed to start when I turned the key. (Blown alternator both times, but the third and final alternator lasted 12 years.) It had the best winter weather traction of anything – I drove that thing safely through a blizzard on Christmas Day when 4x4s were faltering, and I felt way more confident in the snow behind the wheel of the Saturn than I do in the four-wheel-drive CR-V. I went through college and three girlfriends (and now my wife) in that car. The engine finally blew a few years after we got rid of it, well past 150,000 miles.

      1. many bells down*

        I weirdly missed it for about 15 minutes when I was stuck in traffic on Thursday. I had it for a looong time. Mine lacked a parking brake and a rear defroster – which was ok in California but not so great in Seattle. I was up to 193k miles and I think I’m a little sad I didn’t get to 200k.

        On the other hand, it blew the timing belt tension assembly about 3.5 seconds after I decided to look for a new car. I paid $300 to have that fixed and I only got $100 for it as a trade-in. C’est la vie.

      2. Laurin Kelly*

        Our daughter is currently driving the 1998 Saturn we bought when she was just under a year old. We’ve had to put some money into it but my God, that thing is a tank. It just keeps going and going no matter what. I sometimes wonder if Saturn went out of business because no one ever needed to buy another car once they had one!

      3. ThursdaysGeek*

        My ’93 Saturn is my daily commuter car. I think it’s close to 250k, but the odometer broke a few years ago at 225K. It’s a pain in the summer, because the driver’s window doesn’t go down AND the air conditioning is broken, but other than that, it just works. Lots of little things are broken or worn out, but I like the car.

    4. Red Reader*

      I got a 2014 CR-V a couple of years ago and loved it. Then in February, I got sandwiched by a texting-while-driving teenager — plowed into the back end of my car while I was at a stop light, going 50 if not more, and smashed me into the back end of the pickup in front of me. The CR-V was totaled – the accident was bad enough that the appraiser saw more than $20k worth of damage on the front end alone, before even looking at the back end (where the majority of the accident actually happened) or any frame damage. I walked away with a hairline fracture of one rib. You bet your behind I turned around and bought another CR-V — there’s no WAY I should have made it out of that accident as well off as I did. Fantastic machine. Honda 4 lyfe. Haha. :)

      1. Red Reader*

        *I feel like I phrased that weirdly. The Dodge Ram in front of me and I were both stopped at the stop light. The kid texting in his car did not stop, hit his brakes or attempt to swerve, just plowed straight into the back of my stopped car going 50+, which shoved me forward into the back end of the Ram. He had a dinged up back bumper and a slightly bent tail hitch, and drove away after the accident was addressed by the local constabulary. God knows how, the kid was also not injured, so I don’t feel bad about thinking nasty thoughts at him at all. :P

    5. Matilda the Hun*

      Gosh, I miss my Saturn wagon. It’s a shame GM never marketed that brand right- the plastic ones lasted forever. (It did alarm some friends when I mentioned not having ABS or power steering, though!) I was just graduating college when they were closing up shop, and tried to convince my parents that buying 2 Vues at buy one get one free was a great graduation gift. “I’ll have a brand-new car, and we’ll keep the spare for parts!” They did not go for it.

      Did yours ever go through the phase where the alternator malfunctioned by overworking and it kept burning through batteries?

      1. many bells down*

        I didn’t have trouble with the alternator, but if I accidentally left anything plugged into the 12v socket overnight my battery was toast. I must have had a dozen batteries in that thing. Also I know I replaced the water pump 3 or 4 times. Burned oil like crazy, too.

        It was a great car despite all that. Vibrated enough to rattle your teeth at idle, but it got me from A to B for 18 years!

    6. Max Kitty*

      My Jeep is so old that it too has a tape deck. We replaced it with a CD player, until someone smashed the window and took that. So back in went the tape deck. No break-ins since! :)

  64. Indoor Cat*

    Good news! And a question.

    The good news is, I’ve finished an art / poetry project I’ve been working on for two years, and I’ve landed a venue for the show in December! I’m super psyched; post-college I was in a terrible art funk where I felt like I couldn’t do anything or finish anything, all my ideas were terrible, and without the structure of college classes and deadlines and specific instructions on how to get into which venue, I figured I’d never be able to do a show again. Especially since my not-particularly-creative day job began turning into a day career; I started feeling like I’d completely left my artistic spirit behind, or that certain collegiate failures just proved I’m not cut out to be an artist.

    So, now I’m super psyched about finally finishing something AND getting a venue! I feel like I’ve got my artistic groove back.

    My question is, I want to make 50-page books of the collection (24 poems, 24 black-and-white illustrations). Ideally, I could sell some of them at the show, which is a mix between a typical opening and a poetry reading. Is it worth it to try to submit to indie / small press publishers like Manic D Press or BatCat Press? I have a list of about eleven small presses whose current books seem like the kind of thing I do, and who accept unsolicited manuscripts.

    On the other hand, I could probably afford to have my own books printed in a very small print run, something like 40-50 copies. Another option is to try to run a kickstarter for a slightly larger, higher-quality print run and the show– based on a price quote from PrintNinja and a few other factors, a 250-book print run would cost $948, which I think I could fund just from presales of ebooks and signed first editions alone.

    But, it does seem less stressful to just, you know, get signed with a small press. That way there aren’t any upfront costs, and the end result is probably going to be a higher quality book. Still, getting signed takes time, and it involves risking a lot of rejection without any guarantees of success. Is that route worth it?

    1. FrontRangeOy*

      I would go with the effort to sign with a small press. There’s that weird stigma about self publishing, not so much in poetry but you know, it still exists.

      Congrats on getting through your project! I’m up late battling my way through a couple projects this weekend and trying to make a Monday night deadline for consideration at an intensive.

  65. Be the Change*

    Just need to tell someone about this, and you all are such kind listeners — let’s see, TL/DR: My father is really sick, 3000 miles away, and there’s F-all I can do about it so I’m flinching on getting on the plane.

    He’s been in awful health for years in great part due to various addictions and terribly unhealthy behaviors. It sounds to me from his wife’s text updates that the hospital he’s in is thinking “Eh. Diabetes, pulmonary fibrosis, obesity, addictions, possible dementia, abusive behavior, immobility…not a good bet,” and so they are not taking great care of him. (This is my interpretation; she is just reporting the events, but her frustration comes through.) Honestly I couldn’t blame them for not putting significant resources in, but I would fault them for not providing appropriate basic care (like feeding him. He’s refusing to eat but he’ll eat if someone feeds him). If he improves even a little he’ll go to a nursing home for rehab, which of course he’s furious about in his addled mind.

    I haven’t lived with him since I was six. His wife is a saint from heaven who has made huge sacrifices to take care of him. I certainly don’t want to add stress to her life, and she’s told me point blank that there’s nothing I can do to help but I’m welcome to come.

    Sigh. My dad has been a terrible husband for not one, not two, but three women. He’s been an absent but friendly dad to us kids. I’m truly sorry that he is in this state. I feel…pity mostly.

    ….thoughts….? Suggestions for action of any kind?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      be gentle to yourself. As cruel as it may be, there are logical consequences to behavior. And do something nice for his wife, sounds like she could use it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have done this a couple times, where I supported the surviving spouse more than the patient for Reasons. I guess in some ways that is supporting the patient, because the spouse takes care of the patient.

        Picture yourself 20 years out. Your dad has been gone for 20 years. Any regrets? Anything that you glad you did? We tend to know ourselves much better than we realize. We can know that we have tendencies to regret this or that, but also we can have tendencies to congratulate ourselves on other things. Put it in a peaceful place, whatever that means to you. Don’t position yourself for a lifetime of regret BUT don’t allow yourself to get beat up (emotionally, financially, psychologically) either. Look for that middle ground where you conclude, “I am doing the best I can at this time.”

    2. Reba*

      What do you want?

      To see your dad one more time before he dies, perhaps soon?

      To be there in some way for his wife?

      Think about what’s achievable in a visit, practically and emotionally, weigh against what it will cost practically and emotionally, then decide if you want to do it.

      So sorry, Be the Change.

    3. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry; that’s really hard.

      I think that it’s okay to want to go and it’s okay to want not to go; it’s okay to go and it’s okay not to go. Which might not be helpful if you’re trying to figure out what it is that you want. So throw in practicalities and see if they shape your decision: do you have time and resources to go? Would you have time and resources to go again later if he gets sicker, or is this a “choose one trip” situation? Do you feel more peaceful if you follow a convention like “of course you see your sick father,” whether you feel deep love for him or not, or are you likelier to find a hospital visit reminding you of the ways in which you’re not close?

      FWIW, I loved my very present dad, and he had several hospital stays where I didn’t fly in to visit him. I think that’s okay. Think also about what visiting him concretely means: how long a visit is he tolerating a day, and what will you do with yourself the rest of the time?

  66. Annie Mouse*

    Does anyone have any tips for getting pen out of clothes that have already been washed at least once? Or reducing the stain? Black pen on dark green shirts.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Hairspray, if it’s ballpoint pen ink. Any cheap hairspray works, I find (from dollarama even). Saturate it, let it sit a few minutes, wash. Try not to tumble-dry until you’re sure it’s gone. (Obviously test on an inconspicuous area if you’re not sure.) good luck!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Peppermint soap. It takes a bit but it will get it. Be sure to treat both sides of the stain.

  67. A.N. O'Nyme*

    COOKING ENTHOUSIASTS OF AAM!
    Any good recipes you wanna share? Anything goes, really. In fact if any vegetarians, vegans and gluten-free people have good recipes to share that’d be very welcome, I like having these things on hand in case I need to cook for someone with dietary restrictions.

    1. FrontRangeOy*

      One of the most popular salads I make is a scoop of hummus in the middle of a plate, surrounded by sliced tomatoes, and then dressed with olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and ground sumac (can be bought in asian or middle eastern food stores). Serve with flat bread like naan, pita, or focaccia if the people eating like bread.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      My go-to in spring is a quinoa salad with steak. Make the quinoa (I like it with chicken stock) and let cool. Quick-pickle some red onion or shallot with red wine vinegar and kosher salt. Cut up some veggies (red or yellow bell pepper, cucumber, green beans and snap peas are all good choices). For the meat I use a cheap cut, rub it well with equal parts of cumin and ground coriander and some salt and pepper, cook in a pan with a bit of oil until about med-rare (maybe 4-6 minutes per side depending on thickness). Let it rest; combine all the other ingredients (including the pickling liquid) and some olive oil. Slice the steak and stir it in.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Oh, I forgot! Add some cubed feta too.

        For vegetarians/vegans, omit the meat and cheese or sub vegan cheese and cook quinoa in just water or veg stock.

    3. heckofabecca*

      I’ve just added an AMAZING recipe I got from my MIL for Passover (i.e. gluten-free) to my google doc of recipes that I regularly use here: https://goo.gl/6mE3qq ——— It’s called the Bête noire and it’s an amazingly dense flourless chocolate cake. It is really like being punched in the face with chocolate. It’s SO good. I keep kosher, and I’ve also labelled the recipes with some labels like GF, dairy, meat, pareve, etc. Hope that helps!!

      The salad recipes in particular have gone over better than expected—I don’t like most salad veggies, but I didn’t expect so many people to enjoy salads with fruit in them instead!

    4. Dopameanie*

      Gluten free (I think)
      Take 4-5 asparagus and wrap them in a piece of prosciutto with a little stick of whatever hard cheese is moulderinf away in the back of the fridge. Put them in a casserole dish. Brush with olive oil, add 1/4 C white wine, bake at 375 for…I dunno…awhile.

      AMAZING

      1. DrWombat*

        Should be gluten-free as long as the prosciutto is! (not always, you need to check, a lot of cured/processed meats have hidden gluten) That sounds good though! I am gonna share with a friend who loves asparagus

    5. Anonerson*

      Sweet potato chili (link to recipe in reply). It’s vegetarian! It’s vegan! It’s gluten-free! I am none of these things and it’s still one of my favorite recipes. It’s simple to make and tastes delicious.

    7. DrWombat*

      A by feel recipe so pardon the inexact measurements:

      2-3 medium zucchini, shredded in a food processor (easier to do this if you dice them first)
      ~1-1.5 lb ground sausage (make sure gluten-free)
      cooked rice (at least 2 cups, cooked)
      cherry tomatoes
      minced garlic and spices of choice
      cooking oil of choice

      Brown sausage in high-sided skillet with spices of choice and a bit of cooking oil if lean sausage
      Once sausage is browned, add zucchini and sautee until translucent and the zucchini starts to get sticky. Add more spices at this stage, or the final product will taste bland
      Then add enough cooked rice, stirring so that the zucchini binds everything together. Get it so the proportions look good to you.
      Let the mixture cook down a bit until less watery and everything starts to bind together more, on med/medium high heat
      If adding cherry tomatoes, place in pan, turn pan up to medium high, and cover pan. Let the tomatoes blister a bit. Serve. Doubles well if the pan is big enough, good to make ahead and eat all week. Fresh basil is good in this too.

      Tori Avey also has a really good website, and Gluten Free Girl, and Celiac and the Beast

    8. A (former) Cad Monkey*

      Mac n Cheese

      16oz Rigatoni pasta
      2 cups half&half
      1 cup whole milk
      3 large eggs
      2 cups extra sharp cheddar
      2 cups mild cheddar
      2 cups gouda
      2 cups Colby
      1/2 teaspoon salt
      2 cup shredded Velveeta
      1/2 stick butter cut in pieces

      Cook pasta to al dente. Mix cheddars, gouda, and colby with beaten eggs, salt, pasta, half&half, milk. Put in buttered 9×13 pan. Sprinkle Velveeta and butter pieces on top. Bake in 350 degree oven 30-35 min until top is lightly browned on top. Let set for a few min to cool.

  68. Mimmy*

    Is getting services from a department store personal stylist worthwhile?

    I have always had difficulty making decisions about wardrobe choices and have long wondered if I’d benefit from a department store personal stylist. For example, Macys has a “My Stylist” service. I know many stores have personal shopping services, but I think I need something beyond that. It could just be a lack of confidence that something looks good on me–be it a top or a full outfit. Sure, I could read fashion magazines and websites for tips, but I just cannot deal with the wide range of choices when shopping! Makeup and accessories befuddle me too.

    Please share any experiences with this or similar services, good or bad!

    2. heckofabecca*

      My MIL *hates* clothes shopping, and I can’t remember which department store she went to, but they had FREE personal shopping available. Either Macy’s or Nordstroms. She talked with the personal shopper, and then she went back the next week. She came home with seventeen (!!!) new pieces. And if she liked something but it didn’t fit, the personal shopper knew exactly where to go for the other size—super helpful! I recommend checking it out, especially if it’s free. Good luck!

    3. Phrasing*

      Oh Nordstrom is great for this, if you can deal with a nordstrom budget.

      I’ve also had great luck with stitch fix, but I’ve only used it with the intent of building up my casual wardrobe/weekend wear. And I didn’t have to go anywhere :-). I’m a straight size but annoying to fit, and they nailed it. My wardrobe now has seasonally stylish/appropriate pieces! For once in…15 years ;)

    4. It’s all good*

      Yes for Nordstrom’s. For business or other things. Like one time I needed something quick for a funeral. I called the personal shopper, told her my needs and sizes. I showed up to a roomful of things and left 30 mins later with instruction to pickup a tailored suit the next day. And you can tell them your budget to guide their selections.

  69. Family drama llama*

    Advice for staying out of family drama and avoiding gossip while still being supportive?

    It has come out that my sister had an affair with a married man and is pregnant. My sister was engaged but her boyfriend left her. Affair guy is a bit younger than my sister. His wife found out, outed them and left him. She has filed for a fault divorce. All of my sister and his texts and emails are being entered in court. His wife found them on devices they shared and took copies. There is irrefutable proof that my sister knew he was married before the affair started and that his wife was battling cancer. There’s irrefutable proof that she pursued him first. There are messages where my sister calls his wife awful names, wishes her dead and is upset when she was found clear of cancer (I am just stating the facts to give the whole picture, both my sister and him are not innocent here). There is proof the baby is his and he went to appointments with her. He has proposed to my sister and they were trying to fight to get married in our church but can’t because his wife won’t agree to an annulment.

    His wife and him don’t have kids but she is trying to hit him as hard as possible. We live in a small town and gossip is rampant. My sister moved into their house after his wife left but his wife will probably get it in the divorce. His wife outed details of their affair to everyone. My sister and him made some videos together and they ended up online but his wife was in the hospital so we think she got someone else to do it though we can’t prove it.

    My parents are retired and are on a fixed income. They can’t afford to keep lending her money. There are months to go in her pregnancy. They are completely embarrassed and so is our family with all the dirty laundry being publicly aired.

    How do be supportive of my parents and family while not getting caught up in the drama and rising above the gossip? I want nothing to do with my sister but want to support the rest of my family. My sister has asked for money but I said no and always will. I don’t want to get caught up in the drama or gossip.

    1. Phrasing*

      What does sister need to be lent money for? She is clearly, ah, not someone who needs synpathy here but she’s not being sued directly, right?

      Is the financial support for the baby?

      1. Family drama llama*

        She wants it for baby stuff, money for his lawyer, money for the mortgage (the wife is paying 50% so her credit isn’t wrecked but affair guy is on the hook for the other half), money for other bills and money for her half of all the wedding stuff (like the reception hall and catering) because they had already signed and arranged everything before her fiance left her, and money for a car (the one affair guy bought my sister and the one affair guy was driving were both being paid with money by the wife’s salary and she had them repossessed so they have no vehicles and my sister and him want to buy one but have no money).

        No matter the money is for, even if she was being sued, I’m not giving her a dime.

        1. fposte*

          Oof. And I’m guessing part of your frustration is that your parents are succumbing to requests for funding this mess? (Does she have a job? Why can’t she bankroll Lothario’s mortgage and lawyer?)

          Anyway, I’m with you on the goal. This is the kind of thing that can turn into the family’s Main Thing, and everybody endlessly discusses how to Solve the Problem. I think your actions depend a little on what’s being brought to you, but with your parents I might give a straight statement once (“I’m concerned about you guys putting yourself in financial straits to fund an adult who should be financially responsible for her own actions”) and then never go back to it again; any time the “What will we do about Lucinda?” conversation starts up say that it’s up to Lucinda to fix her own life and you really want family time to focus on other things.

          With random gossipers, shrug and say, “You’ll have to talk to Lucinda about that” and change the subject; if they persist in talking about Lucinda, keep changing the subject, greet it with silence, or move on, because the point is whatever they want to talk about, you ain’t talking about Lucinda.

          Good luck. I hope you’re getting plenty of time away from this so it doesn’t eat your life.

          1. Family drama llama*

            Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it and it was helpful.

            Neither my sister or affair guy have a job right now. Not long after his wife and her fiance left them, My sister and the affair guy were caught having sex at work and were fired.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, I was afraid work was mixed up in this. I hope these upstanding citizens are applying to jobs like mad, but not with me.

              Sorry, this kind of thing is bad enough with friends; I can only imagine the disruption in a family.

            2. Nervous Accountant*

              Oh my god. This is all kinds of awful. How does one even get to that point where it’s so so sooo many bad decisions after another.

          2. Phrasing*

            ++ to all this. Change the subject when it comes up with family, and express ignorance when it comes to others. Not your circus. Not your circus.

            1. Detective Amy Santiago*

              Agreed. A very neutral “I’m not getting involved” should shut down most of it.

        2. Kuododi*

          One thing I would strongly encourage is that if your parents and extended family are convinced they must run to the rescue of the unborn baby to keep the child from foster care and a fate worse than death, I would tell them to donate gift cards, make a specific payment on a bill, buy a load of groceries etc. That way they can feel better that they are taking concrete action in the middle of the disaster. At the same time, noone is dumping$$$ down the toilet. Best wishes…this is a hot mess. I will keep y’all in my thoughts. Keep us posted!!!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      “They are completely embarrassed…..”

      Tell them that it is not their embarrassment to wear. Being embarrassed assumes your sis slipped her leash and started misbehaving. The truth is that sis is an adult and she ALONE is responsible for her actions.
      If need be point to news articles of people having wilder behavior, ask your folks what the parents in those cases should do. There is nothing they can do and that is the cold, hard truth. People will do whatever and the world continues revolving.

      Encourage your parents that at some point you and sis will have to face the world without them. They cannot jump in and save sis from herself every time she steps in crap.

      The hoopla here will pass once someone else in the community does something news worthy or gossip worthy. Meanwhile you can say that their reaction is helping to add to the drama. If they can learn to shrug and say, “Sis is a big girl, she needs to figure things out herself” the drama would start to die down. Everyone’s reaction to this is making the story larger. Something on the par with a yawn would be a much better reaction.

    3. Temperance*

      You don’t have to be “supportive” of your parents and the rest of your family if they’re helping her out. Your sister did a disgusting, abominable thing here, and she humiliated them.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Money for WEDDING stuff? And she (well, your parents and anyone else she can con) is paying for HIS living expenses and lawyer? Seriously? What the heck is he contributing? In my opinion, HE should pay HIS living expenses and lawyer, THEY should pay for a cheap wedding with minimal reception.

  70. Phrasing*

    I need to tell my sister that she is not welcome/we are not comfortable with her spending the night at our house (which she has done in the past). Long, long story short but she’s an alcoholic that has had several recent relapses and we had an incident with our young kids at Christmas time. We haven’t seen her since (she lives across the country) but is asking about a visit.

    DH and I agree that a day-visit where we can plan to be 100% supervising is fine, but we don’t want her over for an extended visit—which is how she’s visited in the past.

    “We’d love to see you, but it’d have to be for the day only” is what I was going to say, but do I convey why? Or just leave it open for her to figure it out? I’m not sure if it’s better to provide clarity- “we’d love to see you but are only comfortable with supervised daytime visits at this point” is accurate but is it *too* much?

    1. msroboto*

      I lean towards the second one. I read for the day only to mean for one day which would include one night and that’s clearly not what you mean. Be as clear as possible that you are not hosting an overnight visit.

    2. Jen in Oregon*

      “We’d love to see you, but we can’t host you–you’ll need to find somewhere else to stay. Let us know when you plan to be here so we can schedule and afternoon/brunch/dinner/whatever.” I’ve found that spelling it out is the only way to go–I have many people in my life that are willfully obtuse about things like this and it’s necessary to spell it out that THEY CANNOT STAY WITH ME from the get-go, that way they can’t whine and complain about the “misunderstanding” about where they’re going to stay.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        This. So much this. Spell it out – do it by e-mail if you have to, so you have proof. Make sure there is absolutely no way she can misunderstand what you’re saying.

      2. Phrasing*

        Thanks. I actually had to be more careful, because it’s not that we can’t host *anyone,* it’s that we are not comfortable hosting *her.*. We have a big spacious house and always are happy to have people stay here provided they can be trusted around our kids.

        I was very clear: “looking forward to a visit but we are not comfortable having you stay the night. Let me know if that still will work for you!” She has plenty of options- a 3 house drive to stay with my parents, a hotel, staying with a friend in the city we are 30 min from… but of course my mother is somehow involved in this visit too, so I had to ALSO call mom and say “stop planning some big overnight visit for you and sis, we aren’t comfortable letting her sleep in the house.” my sister is 31 and somehow my mother still books her travel. And tried to tell me it’s Ok because she (mom) will be there…sorry mom, she was blackout drunk shaking my kids and falling over on my 90 year old grandmother at Christmas and you didn’t notice. It’s full supervision by me or DH or a no-go.

        1. Reba*

          Good for you for setting this boundary! I hope the potential visit-without-overnight goes well.

        2. ..Kat..*

          Thank you for protecting your children. Wish my parents had done this for me. Everyone else was more important than me.

  71. Hologram Judge*

    Today I’ve been having the uncomfortable realization that I’ve been a probably annoyingly nosy/judgey friend to my roommate/best friend of over 6 years regarding her relationship. How do you folks remind yourself to take a step back, bite your tongue, and just let things play out the way they will (even if they repeat themselves)? Do you have like a mantra?

    Background: The shortest version of the story is that I’ve been “Michelle’s” friend through a series of relationships, some abusive and some great, with the most recent one being a meh guy with poor communication skills. She had been with the latter for a little over a year when they finally broke up a few weeks ago after weeks of them fighting about differing expectations of communication (although this had been a theme throughout the entire relationship). Michelle and I weren’t roommates when they started dating (although we have lived together before), but I heard enough about him beforehand that I certainly wasn’t president of his fan club. So during the relationship, I took the tack of not really bringing it up unless she did so first or I could tell something was bothering her, and when we talked about I tried not to be too “oh my god, he is not going to change this is going nowhere for either of you” and instead would ask questions when appropriate, like “What do you feel like you’re realistically getting out of this relationship?” and encouraged her to be straightforward with both herself and him about what she really wanted out of a relationship. When they broke up, she was sad but seemed relieved, and admittedly so was I. But last night, Michelle’s mother asked how Boyfriend was doing and I realized she hadn’t told her about the breakup. I said nothing while Michelle said he was doing “pretty good” and then changed the subject. Afterward I asked her why she hadn’t told her mother and she sheepishly responded that her and Boyfriend have been talking again, so she didn’t want to say they had broken up “prematurely.” I was kind of stunned, because in the past I would have been one of the first to know if she were getting back together or talking to a boyfriend before. But I’m feeling like the fact that she said nothing is because I must have made my feelings about his viability as a boyfriend a little too clear after their breakup and/or been too judgey of him when they were fighting.

    But I realize this shouldn’t be about my feelings- I want to apologize to her and let her know that I’ll support her no matter what. I don’t expect her to tell me all about her relationships (and never have), but I definitely don’t want her to feel like she has to withhold information from me because I’ll disapprove. And truthfully, I do disapprove, but I know it’s not my place to make that so known, if that makes sense. Haha, so bluntly: how can I not be like this? Have any of you had experience with this sort of thing in the past?

    1. Indoor Cat*

      Yeah, I think a big part is really listening to your friend about the positives of her relationship and the things she enjoys about her boyfriend. It seems like you’re seeing their relationship through a pessimistic lens, whereas your friend sees some bad and some good. It’s important to show your friend you believe her and empathize with her happiness as well as her sadness; celebrate with her when things are going well in addition to commiserating when things go badly.

      If you don’t know what good she sees in him, ask! In an open-ended way. Stuff like, “What are Boyfriend’s best qualities?” or “What’s the best date or experience you and Boyfriend ever had together?” and genuinely listen to the answer.

      Honestly, for me, that kind of thing has worked better than trying to pull back once I’ve been sucked in already. Pulling back in and of itself can look like disapproval or judgement. Whereas this actually makes your friend feel seen and appreciated by you. If you can understand why she’s “paying the price of admission”, in Dan Savage’s terms, of dealing with someone who has poor communication skills, like if you can genuinely see what she sees in him, it will heal some of your relationship.

      1. Hologram Judge*

        I really appreciate the care you took in your response!

        I’m no stranger to crappy boyfriends and relationships myself, so I know that oftentimes friends hear more about the problems than what is working and what’s enjoyable about the other person. So at several points since we’ve moved in, I’ve brought that up and asked her what she likes about him, what fun things they’re doing this weekend, etc. Haha I really am trying to not sound abysmally pessimistic when I say the response has consistently been underwhelming: “He’s just nice,” “He’s really good with his niece and nephew,” and “I feel like I could learn from him because he has a mortgage and is kind of handy.” Which like, if she were otherwise a vague and placid person would be one thing, but she’s one of the bubbliest, friendliest, fun people I know. Yet when she talks about him and the activities they’ve done together, she barely smiles and is so humdrum about it. It’s very much the opposite of how she was with her last boyfriend, universally liked by all our friends, who unfortunately ended up leaving her after several years for one of their mutual friends. When she would talk about him and the places they would go though, she would just absolutely light up. Part of me wonders if she’s sticking it out with Boyfriend because she’s afraid to be with someone she’s *that* in love with again, since the break-up was out of nowhere and absolutely devastating to her. I dunno.

        But, all that said, I’ll try some more. If she’s decided to start talking to him again, there must be some specific positive other than familiarity and a fear of loneliness drawing her back in. I think you’re right about seeming too disinterested potentially coming across as judgmental, so I’ll also just clarify that I’m sorry if I said or did anything that made her feel like she couldn’t be more open with me, but that I’m going to try and keep an open mind about whatever she chooses to do.

        1. Lissa*

          Oh man, that’s really rough. Because on the one hand – yeah, some people are more chill, don’t tend to gush, or would prefer a relationship that is more stable and less excitement. But from what you’ve described it doesn’t really sound like the case — but then, it’s her choice so she must be getting something out of it. I’ve been there too, with friends where I’m kinda like “ok but….why?” and like, I try to hold my tongue if the guy seems like he’s not an ogre, because there’s often more to it, but still…

          Have you met the guy? I mean…it sounds like you might be right and that she’d rather be with someone who doesn’t make her feel those highs right now/ever. I went through that for a good long time after my first girlfriend dumped me in a fairly brutal fashion. And well…I think that is OK! It doesn’t sound like he is a complete jerk or anything, right?

          It sounds like you’ve been doing all the ‘right’ things but you’re probably correct in that overall dislike of him is hard to hide! I think I might try being only positive for awhile when it comes to him – this might feel weird, like you’re encouraging it, but it seems like at least for now she’ll be with him anyway, so it might at least help your friendship… Sorry I don’t have better advice, but I really do empathize!

          1. Hologram Judge*

            Yeah, I have met him a handful of times. He’s the epitome of an “okay” person. Doesn’t say anything offensive, but also doesn’t really say anything much at all. I’ve never been able to elevate beyond the most basic small talk with him. His relative boringness has actually been something she jokes about, like “I bet if I asked Boyfriend what his favorite color is, he’d say he doesn’t know, haha.”

            He’s not a jerk, per se, but he’s definitely very moody with her. He’s not like actively mistreating her, but the way that he interacts with her seems to consistently leave her doubting herself, her own emotions, and just in general deflated. So yeah, it’s more than just like “I don’t get what you see in him, he’s boring,” it’s “why are you going to keep subjecting yourself to this?” Before they started arguing frequently, it sort of made sense, but now I’m like “okay, so he’s boring and you’re spending usually 2 nights a week crying over some new issue with him…”

            I think you’re right though, I’ve just got to keep the negative stuff to myself, only remark on the positives, and just make sure she knows that I support her and her decisions. Eventually this will sort itself out some way or another.

        2. Indoor Cat*

          Oof to your friend being broken up with by Prince Charming for somebody else. That stings.

          Honestly, I mean, absolutely apologize if you feel like you’ve wronged your friend, but I also feel like you might be feeling more guilt than you need to. It sounds like she’s trying to protect her heart, and that’s maybe 10% about her feeling judged by you, and, like, 90% because she got heartbroken by an amazing guy she was totally in love with.

          I’m not sure how long it’s been, but sometimes it can take a long time to grieve the loss of true love like that. Maybe she feels like a “meh” relationship is just what she needs to cope with the heartbreak right now, which can be embarrassing to admit, even though people do it all the time. Maybe she’s kinda judging herself a bit, so she’s more perceptive of possible judgement from you.

          I hope you both work things out; for what it’s worth, I’m optimistic.

        3. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Maybe I’m just a huge bitch, but I don’t think you need to apologize for anything.

          When I was in college, I introduced a friend of mine to a guy I went to school with and they started dating. He ended up being a complete douche and treating my friend horribly. She would always complain to me about it and I would ask why she was staying with him and always got the sort of vague answers it sounds like you are getting.

          I finally said to her one day, “you’re my friend and I care about you, but I cannot continue to hear about how he’s mistreating you if you won’t take steps to change the situation. please don’t talk to me about your relationship anymore.” She agreed and they ended up breaking up a few months later for good. A short time later, she met her now husband and has been happily married with 4 kids for like 16 years.

  72. Weekend Name*

    Hey, everyone. Hope the weekend is treating you well.

    A couple of weeks ago, I posted on the open thread about some significant problems I was having with my friend and that I was taking steps to end the relationship. If interested, here is the link:

    https://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/weekend-free-for-all-april-14-15-2018.html#comment-1946446

    Anyway, things have escalated since then. I’ve had an additional barrage of texts from her. She cycles between angry texts, texts that are designed to make me feel guilty, and “normal” texts. I hadn’t been answering them, or else providing very short answers (i.e. “Sorry–can’t talk right now”), but she sucked me in a couple of days ago with a normal text. She was asking my advice on something, and it was all so *normal,* so very much like the person I became friends with 20 years ago that I responded in a friendly, chatty way. I wish now I hadn’t done that, because today I got a guilt trip text that really upset me. After talking with my mom about it, I decided to block my friend’s number so I won’t get calls or texts from her.

    I intend to write my friend a letter (see my original post for why she doesn’t use e-mail) and explain why I need to end our relationship. But before I send it, I wanted to run it by my therapist. Well, I don’t have therapy until next Saturday because my therapist is at a conference. I’m just afraid my friend is escalating the issue faster than I wanted with all the texts and stuff. I guess that doesn’t matter anymore since I blocked her number. But still. For a letter this important, I feel more comfortable getting my therapist’s input. I also want to read her some of the texts I’ve received since my last appointment with her.

    I’ll let you know what happens after next week. I hate that I had to block her, but I just could not take these texts anymore. It feels cruel, but I didn’t know what else to do.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Seems to me your friend is pretty cruel. I hope you know that she has problems greater than what any ONE person can solve. You can pray for her, send good vibes out into the atmosphere, whatever it is that you do. You don’t have to maintain contact to do this and it is a positive activity in an overall sad situation.
      I am very sorry. These decisions about older friendships are so difficult. But I think she has proven to you that you made the correct one. Not every friend allows us to help them.

    2. ..Kat..*

      Please make sure that your letter is such that she can not use it as a weapon against you. For example, if she posted it on social media and picked it apart (or ridiculed what you said), would you regret having sent it to her?

      Good luck.

      1. Weekend Name*

        I don’t know if she still uses Facebook, and I know she doesn’t use other social media. I’ve never had a Facebook account. We don’t have any friends in common. Actually, she doesn’t really have any other friends besides me. So I don’t care what she says. I just want this to be over.

        I know she’ll show the letter to her husband, and he might get angry with me. I can see that happening. But, now, I don’t worry or care if she gets on social media about it. I don’t plan to make the letter terribly detailed or so personal precisely because I know she’ll give the letter to her husband to read.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Maybe write the letter, but don’t send it. Sounds like maybe you should just block her and move on? Please be kind to yourself. You are not the problem here. Internet hugs if you want them.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Running it by your therapist is a great idea, she can help you edit it so it can’t be used as a weapon.
      Also, don’t feel guilty about cutting your friend out of your life. She’s not allowing you to help her and, frankly, that text about how you were scapegoating her for all things wrong with your life sounds like gaslighting.
      I also do suggest you NOT talk to the husband, because before you know it she could accuse you of having an affair.

      1. Weekend Name*

        I hate that I have to wait another week to send the letter, but I really think it’s best my therapist vet it beforehand.

        I have no plans to talk to her husband directly. For one thing, I don’t have his number or e-mail address. So I have no way to reach him. My mom had suggested sending him a separate letter, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. This is between me and my friend. It’s bad enough knowing that my friend will show my letter to her husband. I know she will, and I have no way to stop it. That actually was a source of contention between us some years back. I had confided in her about a health condition I was experiencing, and she let slip later that she had told her husband about it. I got upset with her for telling him my business, and she didn’t understand why it bothered me. I had to explain it to her.

    4. Theodoric of York*

      It seems that every contact leads to bad things for you. Don’t send a letter. Don’t feel too bad. You can’t fix her.

      1. Weekend Name*

        I can’t ghost her–I just can’t after 20 years. But I’m leaving her number blocked and will delete all the texts after I read the latest batch to my therapist at our next appointment.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I’m seeing it tomorrow morning at 10 at Alamo. Have already purchased an industrial-sized purse packet of Kleenex because I KNOW I will cry.

      I’m alternately dreading it and so excited I can’t think straight!

      1. Red Reader*

        Haha, I saw it this afternoon and my best friend (who lives in another state) had tickets to see it tonight, about an hour after my showing got out. The text exchange:

        Me: Bring a tissue.
        Her: Oh, man, I’ve been worried about who might not make it out.
        Me: BRING. A. TISSUE.

        1. curly sue*

          Maybe I’m cold, or just jaded by too many comic books, but I can’t get too worked up about it. (A couple of moments got me – you can probably guess which ones – but overall? Great movie, but I’m not crying or panicking.) We know 90% of the ending will be retconned somehow in A:4 next year, so I’m saving my reactions for then.

          That or I’m still in the denial stage.

    2. Book Lover*

      I am going tomorrow. I haven’t really kept up with all the films, even though I know ragnarok was supposed to be a lot of fun and black panther very good. I will try to catch up at some point.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I’m not caught up either but I saw Infinity War last night and quite liked it.

      2. Temperance*

        I loved Ragnarok. I thought that Black Panther was good, but I wasn’t as enamored as the rest of the world, and it’s not in my Top 5.

      3. Lilo*

        I’d say the most important movies to watch before Infinity War is Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America Civil War, and Thor Ragnarok. The movie kind of expects you to be familiar with everybody and so people do get small introductions, but if you’re expecting everyone’s backstory, you’re not going to get it.

        Watch was really interesting about the movie is that the tone of the movie kind of followed whoever they were with, so when you were with the Guardians, the movie felt more like a Guardians movie (complete with a 70s song), and so on.

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      I really didn’t enjoy it. Part of it is that I never enjoy the team movies and prefer the standalones, another part is that half the movie focuses on characters I dislike. I also thought it was pretty predictable and the end doesn’t have a huge impact when you know we’re getting a second movie and there are a bunch of other standalones coming out. Thanos is a good villain, though.

      Honestly, I’m just wondering if I’m over Marvel. I loved Ragnarok and Black Panther, but I’m still bitter that Cap 3 was actually Avengers 2.5/Iron Man 4 (or IM5 since AoU was more like IM4) instead of a true Cap movie and I think that’s when my love for the universe started to die.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I LOVED IT.

        I know things will get retconned but there are certain things I know will probably happen and I am relieved they didn’t happen this time and dreading the next one. There were a lot of laughs, too, which I always appreciate. Some people complain about the jokes in Marvel films but I enjoy them.

  74. Posting Anonymously bc im embarrassed*

    This is going to be so gross and idk where else to ask. Pls delete if inappropriate.

    How do morbidly obese or pregnant women clean themselves after going to the bathroom? I know both types in person but I’m too embarrassed to ask.

    Ive gained about 10 lbs or so and it’s allll in my stomach and arms which are already short. I’m finding it hard to fully clean myself after going #2.

    I’m working on losing weight and getting healthier (have a whole host of other issues going on). I’ve always been overweight but I’ve never had this issue before and I’m disgusted and ashamed of myself for it getting to this point.

    1. Central AC*

      Pregnancy and obesity aren’t the same. When you’re pregnant, it’s like you have a basketball strapped to your gut. You try and bend over and just…can’t. There is no give. Unlike body fat, which you can sort of shove around and “make” it fit around things, a baby in your gut has no give at all. Which is why some pregnant women sometimes can’t physically drive a car- the belly is just *in* the wheel by month 9 in a small car! for a fun experiment, stick a basketball, soccer ball, or volleyball in your shirt and try tying your shoes or picking something up off the floor ;)

      But for the pregnancy piece- I gained 50-60lbs with each pregnancy and have never had any issue wiping effectively. I gained weight everywhere-arms, legs, face, and at least 25lbs in the stomach. But reaching behind, nor down in front was never even remotely an issue. Seeing myself? Yes. Shaving my legs? Couldn’t do it. Putting on my own socks? Didn’t happen. But wiping my butt was just fine!

      1. Posting Anonymously bc im embarrassed*

        I’m sorry I didn’t mean to equate pregnancy w obesity. In my mind its that having a big belly makes it hard to bend over, and I’m having that problem right now.

        1. Thlayli*

          If the issue is just your belly, just wipe from behind. Reach around your back. Sit a little forward on the seat and you don’t have to bend over at all.

        2. anonagain*

          It was clear to me that you were asking for advice from anyone who can commiserate.

          I think the suggestions for wipes, the reaching tools, and bidet attachments are all good ones.

          1. Posting Anonymously bc im embarrassed*

            Thank you for the suggestion. I’m not sure about the first part of your comment, again I apologize for equating pregnancy = obesity, didn’t mean to offend.

      2. Posting Anonymously bc im embarrassed*

        I feel as if I have a giant half watermelon strapped to my torso and I can’t “move” my fat around. Im already super ashamed and disgusted at myself by this.

        1. Anona*

          I’m sorry you’re feeling upset! Bodies are so weird. I needed to get wipes because I started to develop hemorrhoids, and it was hard to get clean. It’s good that you’re strategizing on how to address the problem. You’re doing a good job!

          1. Posting Anonymously bc im embarrassed*

            Thank you

            I’m going to my dr this week and hopefully he can help w the issues I’m having (pain swelling limited mobility etc). Until then I need to figure something out.

            FWIW my spouse says I’m fine and no one is shunning me so it’s mostly me. Idk. I just know none of this feels normal or OK for me.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Can you get one of those bottom wiper sticks? They’re made for helping seniors and other folks with limited mobility who can’t reach behind them. Wet wipes work best with them, I’ve heard (but don’t flush those wipes! They clog the plumbing.).

      I’m keeping them in mind in case I have to eventually have surgery on my stupid shoulder. I think you can get them at Walmart or Walgreens. If you’re embarrassed, you can go to a store you rarely visit.

    3. Anona*

      I find wipes helpful occasionally. I don’t flush them, but they’re helpful for getting stuff regular tp won’t.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Agreed! I sure love my Tushy bidet attachment at home! Doesn’t really help when I have to go at the office, though. :-/

    5. fposte*

      I’ve heard those perineal irrigation bottles (you can get one on Amazon for under four bucks) referred to as “a bidet in a bottle.” Maybe that would work?

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am sure your question is valuable to someone reading here. My friend had a problem with her MIL not getting clean and she was starting to smell. Friend did not know what to do. Left unchecked this can go into medical problems so you are wise to find solutions.

    7. Um, yeah. So there is this*

      This is what I’ve do; overweight and freakishly short arms where even thin 100 pound me could never reach behind. Take one step away from the stool. Pants and undies around the ankles, feet parallel to outside of shoulders facing outward. Squat down slightly which will open up your bottom. Reaching between, reach as far back as possible and wipe forward, but only to the Perineum. Repeat until clean, wipe the front area. This obviously goes against the front to back rule, but like I said, freakishly short arms. I will say, that I also haven’t had any UTI or yeast infections in over 15 years, so making sure that no ‘matter’ crosses that invisible line is key. Also, some type of wet wipe invyour bag may help. Good luck!!

  75. Central AC*

    This is our first spring with central AC (we had it retrofitted last spring). I have the annual maintenance, which was included in the install, scheduled in 2 weeks.

    It’s going to be hot enough for AC later this week. Is there any reason we can’t/shouldn’t turn it on before it’s annual “checkup”? I think all they do is give it a once-over and change the filter and maybe tweak the settings to adjust temperature- nothing that “opens” it for the season, right?

    Clearly we’ve never had central AC before ;-)

    1. Red Reader*

      Nah, I lived in my house for two years before I even knew that an HVAC system needed a regular checkup. Never even occurred to me, having rented apartments my entire adult life, until one of my coworkers was muttering that her home warranty company wouldn’t cover her furnace replacement because it hadn’t been appropriately maintained. (I actually bought a new system earlier this year, because the old one turns out to have been over ten years past its lifespan and on its last legs. :P They included a maintenance package for spring and fall checks for the first few years, but its first scheduled checkup won’t be until fall.)

    2. Someone else*

      It’s fine. Go ahead and use it. Most people I know with central air do not actually have it serviced annually. Unless something has gone seriously wrong without your knowing it, which is extremely unlikely, the worst that happens is the AC runs less efficiently than it would if it had recently been cleaned.

    3. Middle Name Jane*

      I normally have my central AC checked before turning it on for the season, but not always. I always get it checked pretty early in the season, though, if I don’t have time to get it done before the weather gets warm enough to use it. With a new unit like you have, I think you’re okay turning it on and getting the service check done as soon as you have time.

      1. OP*

        It’s odd, they don’t schedule the check until it’s hot enough to have the system at full blast….which is way before I want it on! :-)

    4. Enough*

      Turn it on if you need it. I have a heat pump and the maintenance person comes out and overrides the settings and runs their tests and then just resets the thermostat to where it was before.

  76. smoke tree*

    Scare me please! I’m looking for horror book recommendations. I’ve never read a book that has really scared me so this might be a challenge. I’m more interested in psychological/supernatural horror, less interested in just being grossed out. What have you got?

    1. Middle Name Jane*

      “The Exorcist,” “IT,” and “The Shining” are the scariest books I’ve ever read–but I have a pretty low threshold.

    2. Effie, who is wondering*

      If you’d like an anthology of short stories, I highly recommend “Love, Death, and Other Inconveniences: Horror Stories of Love and Loss”! Lots of psychological horror. I cried a lot.

    3. Windchime*

      There is a trio of books by Justin Cronin that might fit the bill. The first one is called “The Passage”. I found it pretty scary. It’s basically about vampires, but not the romantic, glittery kind.

    4. DrWombat*

      The Laundry Files by Charles Stross is james bond meets HP Lovecraft and has some bits that have really stuck with me. I also really like Cassandra Khaw’s work, and while I haven’t read Hammers on Bone yet I’ve heard a lot of good things about it. IIRC Pseudopod also put out some collections of the short horror featured on their website, and there’s been some good ones.

  77. Sylvan*

    Thank you all for your advice on dating a polyamorous person a couple of weeks ago. I’m going to see them in a week. It’s been a long time since I’ve been excited over a crush but I’m going to take it slow.

  78. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Sorry, I forgot to do this one in the morning. Hopefully people will still see it.

    I am doing well right now. Just rode my bike home from my friends’ house. Got my bike fixed, I put larger gears on the back so it’ll be easier to ride to work, with all the hills. Which will hopefully in turn mean I get more exercise and have less anxiety.

    Struggling with the mental health care system, proud of myself for doing what I can to deal with it. Trying my best to get on better meds but my prescriber is not being helpful and I have to see a doctor I’ve never seen before. I have no idea if they’ll even take me seriously, let alone know what to do.

    How are you doing?

    1. Red*

      I’m struggling. I think I failed this one class that I kinda had everything riding on so I’m just mad at an disappointed in myself. I’ve been drinking and self harming again (not at the same time, so don’t get concerned about that). It’s not great. Hopefully my therapist can help, but my appointemnt with her is on the 18th and I can’t move it up. Ughhhh. Though I’m scared she might want an inpatient stay to come of this because one of our first conversations was on what would happen in the event of a suddenn decompensation and that was it. I don’t wanna do that!

      In good news, I have been running and it has been great. I’n going to finish couch to 5k very soon!!!1!

      Oh, and I am proud of you. Always am. You work very hard to take care of yourself and that’s great. Keep being you..

      1. Junior Dev*

        Thank you!

        I’m glad you have a therapist appointment coming up. I hope you can be kind to yourself until then. You’re dealing with a lot.

    2. FrontRangeOy*

      I got a card in the mail today notifying me that, as a user of our state’s medicaid system, I’m entitled to free, no limits CBT-based therapy. Catch being it’s an online system. But I can see advantages to this. For one, chat/appointment transcripts save automatically so a person can go back and review what was discussed. As someone prone to remembering with rose colored glasses, this is an extremely helpful benefit. I put my info into the system tonight. I’ve used some CBT based skills here and there in the past and found them helpful so I’m hopeful that having an external voice to push me through some of the particularly nasty thought patterns will help.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Oh, awesome!

        It sounds like you have access to what you need to make this work, but if anyone else is reading this and wished they could do CBT type exercises without going to meet someone in person, the Woebot app is free and walks you through those exercises (there’s no therapist, it’s all automated, but I like it a lot. It’s actually easier for me in some ways since I don’t have to worry about communication with a human).

  79. Red*

    Here’s a poll – what’s your favorite drink? Because I just tried vanilla Jim Beam and it’s amazing, and I am curious what you all think is similarly great.

    1. Weekend Name*

      My afternoon was kind of rough (see here):

      https://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/weekend-free-for-all-april-28-29-2018.html#comment-1966889

      But I’ve tried to make the best of the day. I took a nap this afternoon, and my wonderful kitty stayed with me and snuggled. I’ve watched some “Golden Girls,” which is like therapy for me. And I did some step aerobics tonight–for the first time! I saw some Jenny Ford videos on YouTube and decided to try it. Bought a step from Amazon.

      So in spite of my overall depression and anxiety, and my friend drama, and work being hard, I’m doing okay this weekend.

      1. Weekend Name*

        Ack! My previous post was meant to go in the mental health thread, but it landed in the drink thread. Sorry!

    2. LAMM*

      The best drink I’ve ever had was a watermelon martini a couple of years ago. I can’t even remember where it was. But I distinctly remember it being absolutely delicious.

    3. Effie, who is wondering*

      I like Shirley Temples. Except sometimes I’ll ask for ginger ale instead of Sprite, and lemon instead of cherry, so is it still a Shirley Temple?

      1. Laura H*

        A variation, perhaps not a true Shirley Temple.

        I say as my favorite is a Roy Rogers and sometimes swap the cola for Dr. pepper.

        As long as you like it and know what’s in it (and can instruct how it’s made) I dunno if it matters what you call it.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Gin and tonic with a dirty martini (with blue cheese-stuffed olives) coming in close behind. Vanilla Jim Beam sounds really good though. Especially with a little ginger ale.

    6. periwinkle*

      A classic Sidecar is my favorite but I keep running across bartenders who don’t know how to make one!
      * 1 part lemon juice
      * 1 part Cointreau (or triple sec)
      * 2 parts cognac (or brandy)
      Shaken with ice, strained into a martini glass, sugar rim optional.

      I’m sensitive to sugar in beverages and so many cocktails are really sweet. I love mojitos and margaritas but they’re too often made as sugar bombs.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m pretty big on gin these days. There’s a place in my area that has a page of different gin and tonics (plus you can make your own), but the last time I was there the bartender said he made a killer gin drink that wasn’t on the menu, and did we want to try it? All I remember is that it had gin, aperol, and some egg white, I don’t know what else, but it was incredible.

  80. Comic recommendations?*

    Does anyone like to read comics? (Ex. Garfield, Dilbert, Baby Blues etc.) I love comics and am looking for some new ones. If you have any recommendations to share I’d appreciate it. Thank you!

      1. LCL*

        Oh man, my local print edition of the paper has started carrying that and I think it’s a waste of space and poorly drawn. What is interesting about it to you? (Asking sincerely, I love discussing art.)

        1. Kay*

          I don’t know anything about art (sorry) and I can’t draw a stick figure to save my life. My 18 month old nephew can draw better than me.

          For me it has nothung to do with art. The story resonates with me. I am an animal lover and have cats, some special needs, like the author does. I can relate to all the things the cats in the comic do and it makes me laugh.

          Like myself and my husband, the author and her husband have moved around a lot. I also admire how she does all the drawing herself while looking after two small children or bring pregnant with a toddler. I can see the love she puts into it and I have the same love for my cats.

      2. Izzi*

        I’m biased because I know Georgia, the author, but I say +1 and recommend Breaking Cat News

    5. Effie, who is wondering*

      Zits
      Retailcomic (if you’ve ever worked in retail/food services/etc. Highly topical and hilarious)
      Moxie Angel (online webcomic only, not available in newspapers)
      Lunar Baboon (online webcomic only, not available in newspapers – touches on depression in a very funny and touching way)

    9. Shiara*

      Newspaper/online:
      Calvin and Hobbes
      Frazz
      Rhymes with Orange

      Webcomics:
      Sunset Grill
      Sarah’s Scribbles

    11. DrWombat*

      All of these are webcomics I quite like:

      Something Positive (dark humor, but with heart to it)
      Questionable Content
      Order of the Stick
      PVP
      Skin Deep is more like a graphic novel published online but is -beautiful- and I love it
      XKCD

    12. LCL*

      Pearls before swine
      Oglaf (x rated, nsfw, sometimes very surreal)
      Hyperbole and a half (Allie Brosh hasn’t done anything with it since 2013, but the website is still up and functional. The story about Christmas is PYP funny.)
      Do you buy the print edition of your local newspaper? They often will run comics. I read all of the comics, even the ones I don’t like.

    13. Comic recommendations?*

      Thanks to everyone for the positive recommendations (no comment on the negative). I’m excited to have some new material to check out.

  81. DietCokeHead*

    My kidney stone has not ruined my vacation! Yay, I’m so happy! I definitely am making sure to stay hydrated and also then peeing often but that’s manageable. My husband and I are in Kentucky and enjoying the LRK3DE. We’ve walked a ton, dome some shopping and are rooting for our favorite riders. Next Friday, this kidney stone will be evicted, which I am also excited (and nervous) about.

  82. LAMM*

    How long are broccoli/cauliflower/baby carrots good for in the fridge? Poking around in the fridge tonight and I found two packages of grocery store mixed veggies that I bought last week (Sunday or Monday I think) and completely forgotten about. I had planned on roasting them in the oven. Everything but the carrots are precut into florets. I have a heavy gag reflex triggered by food gone bad smells. So if they’re for sure bad, I’d rather avoid the sniff test.

    1. Px*

      Look test! Do they look fine? The broccoli might be a bit yellow but that’s still fine to eat. Are there brown/black spots or mould? I’d probably cut it out or toss those pieces if so. If it’s very damp in your fridge and they have gone soft I’d be more inclined to toss. But basically take them out of the bag and have a look. Maybe rinse the carrots but otherwise they are probably fine. For reference I can keep a loose head of broccoli in my fridge for 2-3 weeks before it starts going yellow, and it is probably still fine to eat for another week after that.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      As long as it’s not slimy it’s probably fine. Even slightly limp veggies can sometimes be revived by cutting the end off and putting them in water for a few hours (this works well with celery) so if the broccoli seems a little floppy you can try this.

  83. nep*

    Computer woes — black squares keep coming up on my screen, flashing here and there. It’s maddening and I’ve not yet found much online about how to get rid of it. HELP, anyone?

    1. ..Kat..*

      Back up all your files as soon as possible in case your computer is dying. If you are in the US, Office Depo (Office Max?) have a service where you bring your computer in. My husband and I used Rent a Geek (there is also Geek Squad) and were very pleased with the service.

    2. nep*

      Issues posting here — hope this doesn’t come up twice.
      The black squares seem to come up only in Chrome, so I hope it’s Chrome and not my computer. (Though heaven knows I’m overdue for a new laptop — this one is likely to go anytime.)

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        It could be something went wrong with Chrome. You could try reinstalling Chrome or try a new browser to check if the issue persists.
        Still, backing up regularly is always a good idea. All hard drives will fail eventually.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Oof, yes, back-up ASAP. I’m not sure what is going on, but it sounds like *something* might be dying (your hard drive, in the worst case scenario, although if the issue is solely your screen I suppose it could also be the graphics card.). It’s also a good idea to run a virusscan, just in case.
      Honestly, my best advice is back up your computer (or at least anything important) and take it to someone who can diagnose the problem. They might have to reset your computer to factory settings, hence why you want the back-up. Alternatively, if it is your hard drive failing, your files will be safe because recovering data from a dead hard drive is incredibly difficult (and expensive, costing anywhere between a hundred dollars and several thousand) to completely impossible.

    4. nep*

      Hmmm. Now it appears to be only on this site. Anyway, investigating further and meanwhile backing up (as I do fairly regularly but it’s been a while.)
      Thanks, all.

      1. nep*

        Nope — not just this site after all. And must be my computer as I’m not getting it on another computer.

    5. Cat*

      Weirdly enough I just had the same thing happen to me when I haven’t had it happen before. For me the black squares showed up on a recipe page on the BBC’s website and flashed around as I scrolled. In my case I was guessing that either adblock was being fussy or some part of the page (like the little share bar that follows you when you scroll) hadn’t fully loaded and that’s what it chose to display in the meantime. My laptop is pretty old and sometimes tabs will just refresh/tear when I scroll if too much memory is being used. If you have a bunch of tabs/different programs open at the same time that might be the issue. Chrome seems to be pretty memory greedy sometimes and it might be that your laptop is struggling with that.

  84. Kay*

    I can’t stand the trend where women darken their eyebrows as much as possible. I think it looks so awful. I’m talking about where women use a pencil to color their own eyebrows darker. The eyebrow bar I go to does a fantastic job but they always fill in with makeup at the end of the appointment. I ask them not to but sometimes I don’t remember. It looks so awful. I sometimes feel like the only woman on earth who doesn’t darken mine. I don’t say anything to anyone who does. I realize this is pet peeve of mine and people can do whatever they want with their brows.

    Anyone else not darken their brows and leave the color alone?

    *I’m not talking about women who don’t have eyebrows because of cancer or whatever other reason and draw them on. I mean women who have eyebrows that are normal and visible and darken them as much as possible.

    1. Windchime*

      I don’t so much mind a little darkening, but it’s the drawing of the giant, thick eyebrows that has me confused. What in the heck is the purpose of that!?? I’m not talking about naturally full brows, like Brooke Sheilds. I’m talking about the huge, thick, squarish ones that are drawn on. So weird.

      1. Kuododi*

        I have y’all both beat!!! I don’t know if this was a trend local to where I was living or if it was more wide spread but about four or five years ago I would get clients in for mental health svcs who had plucked off all their eyebrows. They would then draw them back on with what was obviously a ball point pen!!! These were people who were what I would say was traditionally feminine in all other areas of dress and grooming. I didn’t see anything which would have led me to believe they had problems with dramatic hairloss and had additionally lost their eyebrows. There was just this one “quirk” with the ball point pen eyebrows. Go figure!!!!

        1. ..Kat..*

          Once you over pluck, they sometimes don’t grow back. Also, some may have trichotillomania.

    2. nep*

      I don’t touch my eyebrows except to pluck a few stray hairs with a tweezers every now and again. Just hairs that make the brows look unkempt. I’ve never used an eyebrow pencil.
      I’m with you–don’t understand at all the appeal of those unnaturally dark brows, obviously drawn on.
      To each his/her own.

    3. Epsilon Delta*

      Well, I dye my naturally light brown/reddish hair dark brown so it matches my eyebrows so there’s that! Also knew a girl in elementary school with blonde hair and dark brown eyebrows. Unusual but very striking – probably what sparked the trend.

      Honestly I don’t understand most beauty and fashion trends. Eventually they stop bothering me or they go away.

    5. fposte*

      It’s not my thing, but it’s been around one way or another for a while (I remember it as long ago as the 1960s), and a lot of makeup trends aren’t my thing (I can’t wait until lining the waterline goes away).

      Obviously if it’s trying to look natural, it’s missing the mark, but it may not be trying to. Is Kate Middleton the start of this, by the way? I do like her eyebrows.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t. Mine are starting to go grey but since I went blonde, that actually helps them not look so dark in contrast. My problem now is that they look like caterpillars–it’s been ages since I had a wax.

      1. Yolo*

        Disliking a trend? And specifically stating “I realize this is pet peeve of mine and people can do whatever they want with their brows”? You’re free to move along if you don’t like a comment you know

  85. Anon for this*

    Any advice for how to communicate honestly with a potential new partner about why a relationship ended while not being a jerk about one’s ex?

    The long version: I was married to a guy who kind of sort of cheated and did some other not terrible but not nice things (I wasn’t perfect either). Up to this point I’ve mostly avoided sharing any details of the breakup or weird bits of the relationship dynamics with the potential new guy (he and I dated for a while, broke up, and may be getting back together again), because he’s a totally different person and the relationship I may have/had with him is very different from the one I had with my ex. This worked out great for a while…BUT…part of the reason I broke up with the new guy the first time was that I didn’t want to experience the profound loss of self that I felt before. So I kind of broke things off before they could get serious. (And didn’t realize at the time that was what was happening at the time, of course :p ) Now there’s a possibility said new guy and I might get back together.

    At this point, I don’t think I can be fully in a serious relationship without discussing at least some of this with the new partner. However, I also don’t quite know how much of the other relationship stuff is appropriate to share even though it affects how I feel when I’m partnered up. I’ve considered explaining how I felt in my marriage and leaving the “why” out, but I also don’t want to make the new guy feel like I want to put the burden of managing my emotions on him and I feel like it might tend toward that if I phrase it wrong. But it could also go wrong if I overshare, because I don’t want to badmouth my ex or seem like I’m overreacting to some things that happened.

    Anyone navigated this successfully and have advice?

    (I am considering seeing a therapist again about this if I can’t figure it out in the next week or two.)

    1. Anon Ex-Wife*

      A factual answer I’ve used is, “He wasn’t truthful with me, so we split.”

      A less-informational answer I’ve used is, “We weren’t getting along any more.”

      A lighter-hearted, less-informational answer: “If we got along, we’d still be together!”

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think it would be more to the point to be able to state what you want in a relationship.
      From what you have written here, I’d start with you want someone who is truthful and committed.
      Then to cover your part of the story, you want to be able to say what you have learned that you will carry forward. Let’s say for example, you learned that partners need time to spend with their friends. So you would say, “I now realized I under estimated the importance of my partner spending time with friends. So I would want that to be part of whatever plans I make with a partner.”

      I would strive for a perspective of “here’s what I learned”. And I would be careful to say that “He may have done stuff, but I did stuff too. I have time to think about my part of the story.”

      1. Ali G*

        Building on this – it’s OK to say you had some bad experiences in the past (not going into detail) and saying that you try hard to not let that affect your current relationships. Bu t sometimes it happens without you knowing it, but know you are trying to work on it.
        I know I did this with my now-husband. I had to really really try to not put him in the same box as the other guys that failed me. If I held him accountable for all their failings we wouldn’t be together today. It’s hard, but once you realize what you are doing, you just need to be a little more thoughtful about your feelings and make sure they related to your current BF and not as a result of past BFs.

    3. Anona*

      Why can’t you say what you’ve said here? That you broke it off last time because you didn’t want to experience the profound loss of self you experienced in your past relationship. And so you broke it off out of fear.

      To me that sounds truthful, but not like you’re oversharing gory details.

  86. Lcsa99*

    Excited – my husband and I are going to a vinyl record fair today! Last year we went and came back with nearly 50 awesome records. A little worried my plantar fasciitis will make it a little less fun, but it’s worth it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Vinyl record fair. I am old, wasn’t it just yesterday I was buying 45s for 88 cents at Caldors?

      I would get excited about this also. Have FUN!

  87. VIT (Scotland)*

    I have big exams coming up next week and I am majorly panicking, guys. I made it through a whole degree and a half before developing exam anxiety in my late 20s and I swear it’s making up for lost time. I’m doing everything I can to study in a healthy fashion (I started way in advance, I’m taking rest breaks, I’m doing flashcards, trying to get enough sleep and eating vaguely healthy, etc) but there’s just no way to get through all the material in time, which is making me not feel great.

    I’ve worked with a therapist (another appointment this week) and have developed coping mechanisms. I’m doing the best I can.

    I guess I’m just looking for strangers on the internet to hopefully send good thoughts my way and reassure me that I can probably do this and that it’s not the end of the world if I can’t?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Have some chicken or salmon for dinner the night before the exam, if you eat meat/fish. Otherwise find extra protein from your usual sources. Exams are endurance contests, fortify with fuel for the mind/body. Hydrate, too.

      Write out two or three affirmations, tape them to your bathroom mirror. Make yourself say them out loud each time you see the affirmations.

      You can do this. I bet you will surprise yourself. Good vibes to you.

    2. anon24*

      Don’t over study. You either know it or you don’t, and cramming will only destroy your nerves. You got this!

      Also, yoga with Adrienne on YouTube has some great videos for test taking or just anxiety in general – some are very short! I did her meditation for anxiety video before a major exam and felt much better. I’ve also done her self confidence videos before big tests.

      I wish you the best!

    3. Kuododi*

      When I took my national counseling boards the test location was approx 1 1/2 hr drive away from where I lived at the time. I found it worth the extra $$$ to get a room the night before and go down early so I could be sure of being well rested and on time. I would recommend that if your tests are structured in a similar fashion. This will be over soon and you will be able to look back on your excellent test results with pride. You will be in my thoughts!!!! Best regards!!!!

  88. poetry writing*

    I’ve been writing poetry, any ideas how to keep developing it and/or exposing it to others? A few friends who have read them think they’re good … but they’re likely to be more favorably inclined.

    2. Indoor Cat*

      SO MANY!

      Depends on where you live, but Google is amazing. Google “poetry slams near me” or “poetry open mic” or “indie literature open mic.” Find one you like and go and read often enough that you become a regular. Alternately, find poetry-centric communities online. Some of these are just tags on instagram and tumblr, some are parts of sites like DeviantART, and some are part of blogging platforms like Medium. Or do both!

      I’ve found that this is way better than any sort of workshop. For one, it’s free. For another, workshops fall into two traps: people hesitate to say anything too critical because they’re afraid criticism is ‘mean’, or there’s a blowhard (or three) who conflates their personal preference with the One True Way to Write Poems, and belittles people who do something different.

      Live performances and blogging communities tend to avoid these traps.

      One, you can see pretty instantaneously if some parts of the poem bore your audience when the audience is right in front of you and has come to enjoy a show. You might not know why, at first, and people might not be able to articulate why that that didn’t work for them, but you will definitely see patterns. You’ll also be able to experiment with your own solutions rather than find yourself pressured to pursue a specific solution that works for someone else.

      Two, after a show or during an intermission, poets tend to want to enjoy each other’s company. So, people tend to compliment each other freely when something stands out and only critique when asked, to keep the good vibes going. In that context, critiques are like friendly conversation, not judgement.

      In terms of social media, there are some groups where people do critique-swaps, and some groups where you just post and it’s haphazard as to what gets likes and comments. Both have good points. While some online poetry discussion can lead to blowhard critiques, the upshot it those are people you can block or mute if they really bother you. I’ve found they bother me less than irl critics in a workshop scene. And since really nobody’s afraid of being mean on the internet, you don’t have to worry that people are going to hold back or give you false praise. That, I mean, that’s just not a thing that happens on the internet. Really, the pendulum has swung far in the other direction.

      Good luck!

  89. Anon on this Sunday*

    Trying to decide whether or not to give therapy another try. Basically, I’m just kind of unhappy and lonely in general. My social life is struggling right now, as nearly all of my friends are busy with work / spouses / child-raising. Making plans to see people is just exhausting and complicated, and I’ve drifted away from most people while all of these changes were going on. I’m trying to make new friends – but again, every one I meet just seems to be so busy. I have no interest in dating right now, and in fact I can’t really picture myself ever getting married. I just want some people that I fit in with. My past attempts at therapy did not work out so well, but that may have been because I didn’t really “shop around” for a good fit.

    1. StellaBella*

      Hi. I’d say try out a couple of therapists, and be sure to ask them each the same things and topics and get a feel for how they reply and if their replies resonate. In terms of meeting folks, I have heard meetup.com is a good site for finding things to do with other adults in your city that are not necessarily just going out to bars, so that may work to find events or activities interesting? I am 49 and got divorced mid-30’s – and don’t want another partner at all, and am ok with thoughts of getting a dog some day. Good luck!

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Give it another try. This sort of indecision usually means it’s something you want to do but find scary in some way. You could try some form of online therapy while you’re trying to find the right in-person therapist. Your current mood could also be getting in the way of making and maintaining friendships.

  90. Anonimi*

    In like an hour I am going to tell my father I think his memory is getting worse. I’m pretty stressed over this- he is a university professor, extermely smart and with amazing knowledge. And to make it easier, he has anxiety issues around health.
    He is just over 60, and my youngest sister isn’t even 18.
    Ugh.

    1. Forking Great Username*

      I’m sorry – sending good thoughts your way. And know you’re doing the right thing even if he does get defensive – a pretty natural reaction, try not to take it personally.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It could be a simple fix, ask him if he has changed meds lately. Check his home to see if you notice anything off like gas leaks. Check the easy stuff before you panic. He’s pretty young, I wish you the best and I will hold this in a positive light that it go easier than you expect. Let us know how you guys are doing.

    4. Anonimi*

      Ok, it went well. He was visibly nervous but was ok with me bringing it up and all.

      It’s not meds (stable), or gas, probably overwork is doing part of it though. He was already aware of it- he’s even addressed it with our GP a few months back, and decided to hold off investigating further until he isn’t as buried in work… He has some other health issues he is addressing currently and he said it’s a bit too much to do all at once. He did ask me to remind him to start checking it in a couple of months, so at least that.

      Thanks for the good thoughts, everyone

      1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

        <3 I'd never really thought about how hard that convo must be, but then Supergirl (of all TV shows) did an arc in its most recent couple of episodes about one of the main characters going through something really similar; his father is a really smart, scholarly person but his memory is getting worse with age. There are psychic complications, being a superhero show, but it might be a valuable watch. It was a very moving story arc.

  91. Yetanotherjennifer*

    Physical Activity Thread!

    Post your plans for the week and how you did last week.

    I was on vacation last week but did a lot of walking. Did at least 2 day’s worth of steps each day and on the last day I did 3 days worth. But for a while I’ll be living vicariously through y’all. I went and hurt my ankle yesterday. Not sure if it’s sprained or broken yet but I’ll have to be a couch potato for at least a few weeks.

    What have you been up to?

    1. heckofabecca*

      I usually walk 1 mile to and from the train every weekday, but one day this week I chickened out and took a Lyft the way home since it was raining and I hadn’t dressed as appropriately as I’d meant to. I did make up for it the next day with an extra 1.5 miles to/from the doctor to get a vaccine, wahoo.

      Next week, I’m DEFINITELY (god willing!) going to dance troupe practice since they’re short a follow for a performance next Sunday, so I’ll be doing practice + social dancing + the performance. Plus my normal 2+ miles a day :)

      What do you consider a day’s worth of steps? (You as in Jennifer and anyone else… I’m curious!)

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        My goal is 7,000. It’s easier to achieve than 10,000 but enough to keep me moving.

    2. DrWombat*

      I am up to being able to haul about 35lb! I am really hoping to build up more arm muscles soon XD Downside is stamina hasn’t caught up yet so I am exhausted when I get home, but hoping that changes. Goal is to be able to haul 45-50 lb by end of summer or at least to get my arms half as toned as my legs are (finishing up my PhD, it was easy to go for a bit of a walk when I needed a short break, but arm stuff was harder to do, so every day was leg day XD)

      Have noticed soles of feet feeling tight/itchy when I get home though. Does the rolling the tennis ball under your feet trick actually work? Any other tips?

    3. Lissa*

      I’m off work for a bit so have been able to really up my activity – I’m doing 15,000 steps a day, and have been pretty consistent with that – only missed once. It helps that it’s nicer out and I don’t have a car so i walk everywhere. I have also been able to go to yoga weekly which has been awesome for me. I’m so bad at remembering to do anything when I don’t have someone else there – I will tell myself, oh yeah I’ll do half an hour of yoga/body weight 3 times a week and then will forget constantly…

    4. The Original K.*

      I’m training for my first triathlon in a few months so I have a set training plan. I did well with it this week, which I’m proud of because I’ve been sleeping badly so on a couple of days it’s been hard to force myself to work out, but I’ve done it. Last week I was off (wasn’t feeling well), so it feels good to be on track this week.

      Today I swam and ran, and I was proud of myself for adjusting my speed and sticking with the run all the way through. I started out going too fast and adjusted to give myself a chance to catch up. A small thing, but it worked!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I did more walking last week — yay! The daily walk fell off a bit when the weather got really wet. I’m okay in the cold, but I don’t have any gear for rain. And it would. not. stop. raining. Plus, I was dealing with a little depression, but it may have been triggered by the nasty weather. Now that it’s nice out, I’m eager to get back up to a daily workout again.

    6. Brunch with Sylvia*

      We got two puppies last fall and now that the weather is better in my region and they are better leash walkers, I have gone from walking them in the afternoon w/ my hubs to once in the morning before work (5am!) and twice in the afternoon. I have been averaging 9-11 miles per day every day this month!

  92. PM-NYC*

    Branching off from AlmostAcademic’s post above about “sketchy” neighborhoods, I’m curious what people think are helpful things someone who is (unfortunately) a white gentrifier can do to be a good neighbor?

    It seems to me that some of the issues with gentrification are systemic and an individual can’t necessarily move the needle on, but some is individual behavior. Being friendly to strangers on the street & going to local businesses that have been around a long time often come up, but I sometimes struggle with both.

    I’m not an outgoing person & prefer not to interact with strangers on the street, especially men because of concerns about street harassment. Business-wise, I do use some of the older businesses, but sometimes a newer, hipster-y restaurant/coffee shop might have better food or service than another place. For example, I had a debate with an ex about where to get brunch one day- from the bodega or the hipster coffeeshop. My argument was I wanted to order a chai latte & sit in a chair with a back and the bodega only had two stools at a small counter & limited hot drink options. We ended up going to the bodega and the food was great, but to me it was more of a place to get takeout than to have a leisurely sit down meal.

    Any thoughts, advice, things I can do better?

    1. FrontRangeOy*

      My thought is a little bit of “when in Rome,” you know? If it’s safe, just in the area of feels uncomfortable/not really what I prefer. I have kids so my example is different from yours but, my kids go to the neighborhood school. We use the neighborhood branch of the library. We shop in the neighborhood as often as possible (like many cities, not all shopping is convenient though, boo). With your specific issue of wanting to avoid street harassment, you could casually mention this to people when it IS safe (the owner of the bodega, for example). Use the neighborhood’s conversation tree to quietly spread the word that no, this person isn’t an unfriendly gentrification type who wants to jack the rental rates into the sky, they just want to avoid harassment.

    2. Indoor Cat*

      When it comes to street harassment, your personal safety needs to trump your fear of whether or not you are perceived as rude or as part of a gentrification problem. People may judge you for, like, not making eye contact with men you don’t know, using obvious headphones as a way to signal “don’t approach me,” etc, but that judgement is less dangerous that the risk of psychological (or even physical) harm that may come from being sexually harassed.

      And honestly, your neighbors are probably more understanding than you fear since, unfortunately, all races of women face street harassment and have to figure out measures to protect themselves. I don’t know a single woman of color who would judge or look down on a white woman who’s trying to protect herself from sexism, or has anxiety due to our society’s pervasive misogyny, simply because the potential sexist perpetrator is more likely to be a man of color in this particular neighborhood. Rates of women of color seeking therapy to deal with anxiety is at an all-time high, which I think is a good thing; it’s getting talked about more and there’s less stigma around it. If you were to open up about your anxiety over objectification to a woman of color at, say, a block party, odds are that she’d commiserate and be right there with you.

      I think a good, safe way to get to know your neighbors could be to get involved with community projects or volunteer opportunities, and try to make connections with women whom you might have more in common with than you think. My sister is white and her co-workers are predominantly black women, and once she had a conversation with her co-workers about the Marvel movies, the ice was broken and they’re now work friends. It was like, don’t overthink about how different your neighbors are from you. Everybody’s a full, complete person, and there are definitely people in your neighborhood you could potentially connect with if you want to.

    3. Ali G*

      One thing you can do, is when you do frequent the local places, is to talk to the people who work there. They are most likely residents as well, and while your money is great, what they may really want is to know you care about the community you moved into. Talk with them about the history of the neighborhood, where are other good places to go, how long they have been there, etc. just engaging them can mean a lot. They likely know their neighborhood is changing and it would be nice for them to know that it means more to you than just cost of living.

      1. PM-NYC*

        Hmm, I don’t usually talk to people working at stores & places beyond the normal transaction stuff, it seems presumptuous since they’re at work. But I’ll think more on this.

    4. Triple Anon*

      I think one thing that helps is to blend in with the neighborhood. Take good care of your property without flaunting your money or making it really obvious that you come from a different background. Or if you do, at least be aware of it. For example, growing exotic vegetables in raised beds in the front yard is great, but it will make you stand out as that hipster house, so maybe do something to offset that. Like sharing the vegetables with neighbors or donating some of them to a local org. But the more obvious it is that a white person with a good education lives there, the more people’s property taxes and rent will go up. That’s something I keep seeing. But I think it is systemic and there’s only so much you can do about it.

      As for being a good neighbor, you don’t have to be outgoing. Just smile and wave. Introduce yourself once just like you would anywhere. And be considerate. Keep the area by your house clean. Pick up trash. Don’t be too loud. That kind of stuff.

      Also, I’m sure you know this, but sketchy neighborhoods are also sketchy to most of the people who live there. If there are gangs, break ins, violence, etc, rest assured that most of your neighbors share your feelings about it. They might handle it differently or talk about it differently, but no one likes to live with that stuff. If there’s crime and it bothers you (or police violence, which, unfortunately, can be an issue too), try befriending a neighbor or two so you can kind of look out for each other.

  93. Book Lover*

    Met with some Siberians. They are very beautiful. No hives, sneezing, congestion. Maybe itchy eyes but have dry eyes so hard to say, probably should make sure I use eye drops next time I visit so that dry eyes aren’t contributing. I know a one hour visit isn’t the same as living with them though.

    But wow, was there a lot of fluff everywhere with stroking. This and fall are the worst time of year for shedding, though, and presumably regular brushing will keep the fluff from flying quite as freely.

    A lot to think about, still haven’t visited the Devon Rex, but if a Siberian from this breeder became available, I can’t imagine saying no. The kittens were mildly skittish before settling down for some solid cuddling, and the adults were just delighted to be petted and made sure to follow me around for more.

    I am making a purchase list for the future – kitten shampoo, dander wipes, brush, comb, toys, scratchers, box and litter, carrier, toys, greenies for hairballs and teeth, toothbrush and paste. My cats have never used cat beds, other than one that was attached to the window for gazing out. Not sure if I should get one just so that she can have a place to call her own.

    1. periwinkle*

      Shedding season is nature’s way of telling you not to buy black clothes.

      My purebreds are double-coated and I swear by slicker brushes to combat the fluff tornadoes. Look for ones with push-button cleaning (pushes the base up past the bristles, which makes cleaning a breeze). Also, the Furminator is not hype: you will want one designed for the appropriate coat length. Yes, with medium/long coats, you will wind up with an array of brushes and combs. Furminator makes a vacuum attachment which sucks the loose hairs right into the vacuum; I haven’t tried this yet but it could be helpful for lessening contact with dander.

    3. JeanB in NC*

      I have heard good things about Siberian cats as far as allergies go. I haven’t gotten as far as looking up breeders yet, but it’s good to know that your allergies didn’t act up immediately. My previous cat died about 6 years ago now and I think it’s time to start looking for another one.

      1. Book Lover*

        Yes, it has been over 3 years for me. I miss stroking a cat, though admittedly don’t miss the litter box or hair everywhere. But everything has its pros and cons :)

  94. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Doing this in a separate post but…it didn’t go perfectly. (The wheels came off around miles 20 to 22. I actually stopped to walk a little around 24 and 25 because I thought I was going to pull my hamstrings.)

    But I finished.

    In 2:57 and change.

    That’s good enough for me. And good enough for the BAA.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Wow!! All that went wrong and you still beat three hours and comfortably qualified for Boston. That’s incredible!! Congratulations.

      As a side note, I thought of checking the NJ Marathon results and then realized your name would not be listed as “Llama Grooming Coordinator.” Whoops.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I’d have given my bib number but that would reveal my actual name! (My name isn’t very unique, but…I don’t necessarily want it tied to my AAM postings, since I actually do talk about my job sometimes. This is also why I say I groom llamas for a living.)

        But yeah – it was basically a great 20 miler with a horrendous 10k at the end. It still worked out well enough, but it was pretty brutal the last couple of miles. (I looked at my GPS data. It was good up until 20 and then fell off a cliff.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          “A great 20 miler with a horrendous 10K at the end”
          Welcome to the wonderful world of marathon running, Llama Grooming Coordinator. :-)

          I absolutely marvel at the runners that don’t hit the wall at 20 miles. I don’t think there are many of them, which is why “the wall” is such a legendary thing in this sport. My favorite marathon (other than my first) was the one where I somehow delayed the wall until mile 23, and it was only a brutal 5K at the end. But I have a feeling you didn’t fall off the cliff nearly as badly as you thought if you still beat three hours.

          1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            Oh I did :(

            When I say that I hit it hard, I mean – my GPS was steady at 6:30/mi pace up until mile 20, then it went to 6:40, and then it plunged down to 7:45 by mile 25. The funny thing is that it wasn’t that I felt tired so much as I was trying to not pull my hamstring before the finish. So I might have over-corrected a little bit, since I was trying to be really cautious about not injuring myself.

            I’m pretty sure that it was at least slight dehydration, since I’m terrible at drinking. (There were at least two instances where I nearly breathed in water instead of…you know, actually drinking it.)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I enjoyed the first 20 miles, I’ll put it like that. Mostly, I’m glad it’s over and done with for this year at least.

        (I should have expected things to go downhill when I was laughing at stupid signs – props to the person who made the “Worst Parade Ever” sign around mile 5 or 6, I think – and making stupid faces for the cameras early on. Actually, I was running with a dude for a few miles, since it split up a lot early on and I was by myself. I have never been sadder in my life than when he made the left turn for the half marathon and I kept going straight.)

  95. Lily Evans*

    I’m contemplating a vacation in the fall (probably late Sept) and I’m stuck between two destinations. I’m thinking either Scotland, starting in Edinburgh and doing a 3-day tour that hits Loch Ness and the Isle of Skye, or Austria spending most of my time in Vienna with a day trip to Salzburg. I’d love to hear thoughts/opinions/stories from anyone familiar with either place.

    1. HannahS*

      Oh my gosh, I did Scotland (2.5 days in Edinburgh, 3 day tour that hit Skye + Loch Ness + some other places) and I just ADORED it. It was so, so great. Caveat: I hate hot weather, so standing on a misty mountain in June where it’s 8 C/46 F was perfect for me. Three days in Edinburgh is a good amount–I left feeling like I had a good idea of what the old city’s all about, I saw some great museums, but if I were to go back there’d still be more to do. Partly that’s because it rained so much on my last day that I decided to keep close to the hostel in the afternoon and read. So yeah, I loved Scotland!

      1. Lily Evans*

        I also don’t mind cooler weather, especially when I know to prepare for it! That also sounds like the frame of time I’d be spending in Edinburgh, so I’m glad to hear it felt like enough! I hate leaving a place and feeling like I missed a lot of it.

    2. Thlayli*

      If you go to Scotland you can take a day trip to hogwarts! There’s a castle I think just over the border in England where a lot of the hogwarts scenes were filmed (though there were actually 2 or 3 castles total as well as models and sets etc).

      Vienna and Edinburgh are both great cities to visit – Edinburgh is fun for partying / drinking / friendly locals. Vienna is nice for pretty old buildings. Also day trip to sound of Music locations from Vienna.

        1. Thlayli*

          I think it might be Alnwick (but not certain so do your research first obv).

          Have fun whatever u decide

    3. Ali G*

      Honestly, skip Loch Ness. It’s crowded and touristy. I would do Skye and/or Malag. There is also a train that I have heard is great (I saw it, but didn’t go on it). Also, the highlands are AMAZING. Probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Also, if you like scotch – check out Islay (not to be patronizing, but it’s pronounced I-la). Edinburgh is awesome.

      1. Lily Evans*

        That’s good to know about Loch Ness! I haven’t seen a group tour that skips it yet, but knowing that I’ll look around some more.

    4. Sarah G*

      As someone who’s been to both places multiple times, I would vote Scotland, hands-down. Vienna is lovely, but if you ask me it’s not all that extraordinary as far as European cities go. The only reason I’ve been there several times is my dad lived there for 6 months while I happened to be teaching English in Prague a 5-hr train ride a way. However, the place I would really recommend is Prague. Go to Prague. You will not regret it, I promise. Such an enchanting city. But if you are stuck on Scotland vs Vienna, then I definitely say Scotland!

    5. BlueElla*

      maybe a little late to the party, but I can’t recommend Scotland enough. And if you go to Edinburgh, check out Hairy Coo bus tours- they’re free (you pay the amount you felt the tour was worth) and it takes you through the highlands to beautiful lakes, castles, monuments, and a paddock featuring the famous highland cows (coos). I did my tour with the owner, Donald, who kept up an impressive running commentary of Scottish history and stories of his childhood growing up in the highlands.
      I went during my study abroad semester and it was seriously one of the highlights of my entire four months in Europe!

  96. HannahS*

    I moved! I hate moving! But my new place is cute as a button and I can’t believe how much stuff I managed to fit in to it. I never thought I’d love a walk-in closet–I didn’t even register that this place has one. But dang. It fits all my stuff (no rotating out seasonal clothes!) and I have easy access to everything. I hired movers, which always winds up costing more than I’d like, but when discussing it with my family, I reminded them that I get extra grant money in my student financial aid from for having a permanent disability (fibro–fun). This is the kind of thing that this money is for. School itself doesn’t cost me more, but living does, because there are things I can’t do myself.

    1. heckofabecca*

      Mazal tov!! Walk-in closets are so great—glad you won’t have to deal with seasonal rotation.

  97. New Bee*

    I use Google to get to the AAM website. Allison’s book pops up as a suggested search, but it says by “Alison Pylkkänen.” Any idea why that is?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe it’s supposed to say “editor” instead of “author”. The pic above the writing clearly shows Alison G’s name on the book. Maybe someone got their Alisons mixed up.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Jussi Pylkkanen (auctioneer at Christie’s in London) is married to an Alison Green. It looks like *someone somewhere* has decided that you are that Alison, because when googling ‘Ask a Manager book’ Google does indeed say the author is Alison Pylkkanen, and for your other book too.

        If you google Alison Pylkkanen Google result is:

        Alison Pylkkänen
        Jussi Pylkkänen’s wife
        Alison Green runs the Ask a Manager blog, where she answers readers’ questions daily on office and management issues. She also writes the workplace advice column Ask a Boss for New York magazine’s The Cut, and is the co-author of Managing to Change the World: The Nonprofit Manager’s Guide to… MORE
        Spouse: Jussi Pylkkänen (m. 1986)

        I wouldn’t know how one would get this corrected?

        1. Triple Anon*

          Wow. Is it just me or is it really creepy that Google is now listing family members? Right up at the top . . .

          I’m sure I’m not the only person who comes from a difficult family situation and doesn’t want this kind of information so readily given out.

  98. Elizabeth*

    Last night, we saw Weird Al Yankovic in concert (“The Ill-Advised Vanity Tour, with Special Guest Emo Williams”). There was a song he did (recorded a lot of years ago) that reminded me of the Coffee Wars post: “Dog Eat Dog’.

    https://youtu.be/FWhsuqFj8kU for the video!

    And the entire concert was awesome. The only song he didn’t do that I wished for was “Word Crimes”.

  99. SAHM*

    Planting my Dahlias!! I keep having to take breaks to come inside and nurse the new one, but I’m almost done! I planted mammoth sunflowers, Cutting Gold, Red Sun, and a hybrid mixed variety against the fence and then in front of those I planted my Dahlia tubers (29! Go Costco!). I had to take a break to nurse Little one, but once I get back out there I’ll finish planting the last of the Dahlia tubers in front of the house, and some shorter variety of sunflowers as well, some kind of Teddy sunflower? They’ll go behind my gladiolus with the dahlias in front of the glads. I’m super happy about this! And Little one is now sleeping much better and she’ll be three weeks this weds! So happy!

  100. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Healthy unusual noms:
    Sometimes when I’m craving chocolate and peanut butter (but want to avoid icky sugar rushes and pimples-chocolate always gives me painful skin), I bake “healthy bites”: cauliflower rice, frozen berries, coconut chips, pumpkin, nonfat Greek yogurt, and chopped protein bar, sprinkle with cinnamon, and bake. It tastes like a fruit baked dessert.

    Anyone else with weird-but-healthy recipes?

    1. The Original K.*

      Sometimes I blend frozen banana, coconut milk, and unsweetened cocoa powder for a healthier version of a chocolate shake.

    2. Sarah G*

      “Shamrock shakes” made by blending avocado with ice, a little soymilk, stevia, and mint extract. I got the idea online somewhere. I also love sliced cucumber on savory thins (the rice crackers at Trader Joes that come in one sleeve).

  101. Cute Li’l UFO*

    Busted a front tooth tripping over a light rail track yesterday. This also drove said tooth into my lip where I now look like I went a little nuts with lip fillers. Bled out of both nostrils, got a concussion, got helped by strangers.

    Just no good. I have a couple interviews Thursday and I have an emergency dentist appointment but this took a Saturday wracked with anxiety and cheering myself up with art to… this.

    I can’t believe this.

    1. JeanB in NC*

      That is horrendous timing! It’s hard enough interviewing when you look and feel your best. Good luck!

  102. Dr. KMnO4*

    Finishing up my extended weekend at Disney World with my husband. It’s been amazing. I love Disney World and I’ve had a blast sharing it with him.

  103. Triple Anon*

    I befriended someone. All seemed good, but a little odd. She was good friends with someone who really gave me the creeps. She had several impressive jobs, but she was often available to text all day. Not that weird, right? Some people can multi-task. Friendships are individual. Etc.

    Whenever the topic of conversation got serious, I would start to put an end to it, saying something like, “I know this is heavy stuff. I’ll let you get back to work,” and then she’d assure me that she’s ok with it, that she has a leadership role in her religious group and counsels people as part of that. I finally asked what the name of the group was and then looked it up. It’s reputed to be a cult! Of course I can’t say one way or the other, but it sounds a little sketchy. So I kinda sorta stepped back from that friendship. Maybe it’s all fine, but I don’t want to get involved with some sketchy group that might be trying to recruit me.

    That got me thinking. Several family members are or have been in religious groups that are said to be cults. I grew up around that to some extent. I wonder if it had an effect on me and if I come across as a good person to recruit to join a group like that. Or maybe I’m over thinking. Anyway, I’m kind of concerned about one relative in particular who’s involved in that sort of thing, and the fact that this other group seems to have a presence in a community that I’m part of.

    Life is weird. Dog is good. I think I’m going to enjoy being a solo practitioner of some kind of spirituality at least for now.

  104. Kali*

    Bit late on this one, but I want to get this off my chest. Can always copy-paste to next week’s post.

    Last week, I posted about reducing my impulsive anger. I’d made some good progress. I’m still getting irritated by things, but I haven’t snapped at anyone, and I’m able to admit that, while my parents are abusive and I don’t want to be around them, ever, I do love them. That’s a big step for me. The worry is, whether I’ll be able to maintain this or if I’ll forget and just slip back into old habits, but we’ll see.

    The trigger for doing something about this was the ending of my relationship of 1.5 years. At the moment, we’re having a break; on the 1st of June, we’ll talk about whether we want to start seeing each other again.

    We met last year in student halls (he’s 26, I’m 29). We lived in the same flat and got together over watching bake-off and eating toast together. One of the ways our relationship developed intimacy was that I went to him after the last time I saw my mother, when I was upset. That’s symptomatic of the pattern I need to break in relationships. Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s very effective to show vulnerability, to get men to look after me and care for me, despite the fact that I’ve been doing it myself for decades and I’m a very strong, capable person. That set the pattern for our whole relationship; it became his job to manage my emotions and make things okay, and that was definitely a factor in why we’re taking a break now.

    The other part of it – and the reason I understand his decision and I’m not mad at him – is that I was very open about the fact that I had a lot of doubts over our relationship. We never had really great chemistry. We had great sex, we could be completely honest with each other, we had fun together…but I never really felt butterflies at the thought of him, or when we kissed. I don’t know if that’s important or not; when I look back on the occasions when I did feel that, they never seemed to add anything to the relationship, and actually made me fight for bad relationships longer than I should have. I do wonder if part of this is a mismatch in love languages; I am heavily words, and he is very much acts of service and touch. When I imagine things that would feel romantic, it’s all word-based. However, when I look back I realise that whenever I said I wanted something or expressed a need, he would get whatever it was for me.

    I keep going back and forth on this question. Are my expectations unrealistically high, because, deep down, I don’t believe in love and I set people up to fail because I need them to prove that they don’t love me? Or, am I settling on a relationship that’s 90% right and denying myself that 10% for fear of not finding it and being alone, or never having children?

    If we were to try dating again, it would be very, very slowly. One date a week, maybe two phone calls, so we can really appreciate each other and look forward to seeing each other. At the moment, I’m leaning towards seeing what our relationship is like under those circumstances. I think that mystery and anticipation is something we lost because we lived together for the first year of our relationship.

    1. Triple Anon*

      If you feel that way after 1.5 years, it’s probably not going to get any better Keep in touch, but put your energy into meeting new people. And working on anything in your life that affects the quality of your relationships, as you’re doing.

      Chemistry. It feels so good, but if you come from an abusive family, I think you often feel chemistry with the wrong kinds of people. It can be a bad sign. I don’t have a solution. Being with someone you’re not that attracted to is a recipe for dysfunction too. But as you distance yourself from your family and heal from all of that, maybe things will change.

      1. Kali*

        I’ll be honest; my reaction to that is just “NONONONONONO”. But, I’m keeping a tracker for whether my feelings towards trying again are ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘maybe’, and I see that I would have had a different response yesterday. So I’m going to wait and watch and collect more data.

        For many years, I’ve felt distanced from my emotions and a little numb. I’ve felt less numb recently, getting over the anger. As well as using the tracker to get an overall image of how I feel, I also want to see what my feelings are like when I can, you know, actually feel my feelings. I’m enjoying letting go of the anger. It’s been tougher today, probably because I’ve been tired and cranky, but I’ve not really gone over 2-3 (‘mild irritation’) and I haven’t snapped at anyone. Plus, I’ve finally been able to forgive my ex of two years ago, which I posted about here a while ago. That’s another factor; my most recent relationship was something of a rebound from that one, and I want to see what happens if we try again when I’ve gotten over that.

        1. Triple Anon*

          That sounds good. That was just my reaction as a stranger on the internet. Feel free to disagree with it! Whatever happens, I hope it works out. :-)

          1. Kali*

            Thanks for taking the time to comment; it’s really good to get out of my own echo chamber. :)

            “Whenever you’re called on to make up your mind,
            and you’re hampered by not having any,
            the best way to solve the dilemma, you’ll find,
            is simply by spinning a penny.
            No – not so that chance shall decide the affair
            while you’re passively standing there moping;
            but the moment the penny is up in the air,
            you suddenly know what you’re hoping. ”
            ― Piet Hein

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