weekend free-for-all – April 7-8, 2018

by Alison Green on April 7, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L’Engle. I just re-read this for a podcast I was on (more on that later) and I’d forgotten how good it is. Dark and funny and suspenseful and fun.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,374 comments }

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    1. Nicole76*

      I think the bracelets can be really pretty, but between the bulkiness/weight (I have small wrists) and the cost, they don’t really appeal to me. I have found I rarely wear any of the bracelets I do own as it is, so I’ve stopped buying them altogether. I didn’t realize Pandora made anything else.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      I like them! Not all the styles, of course, but the majority of them suit my tastes pretty well. I have a ring from them, which is small, pretty, and mostly understated but with a bit of sparkle. And a charm bracelet, which I don’t wear everyday or anything but I do like it. Lots of options.

    3. Peggy*

      Honest answer, hate them. No offense to anyone who likes them, I’m sure I wear stuff that people don’t like too. :) I just don’t like the style at all – my mom gave me one a number of years ago and gave me some charms on different holidays and I was like… “please. no more. mom, i mean it!”

      1. Lindsay J*

        My ex mentioned wanting to give me one on a few occasions and it just cemented to me that he really didn’t care about what I liked, just what he thought women should like, because they were sooo not my style, and I told him that the first time he mentioned it and yet he continued to bring the idea up.

    5. Fiona*

      Don’t get the appeal of them really. The charms themselves are pretty when looked at close-up, but string them all on a bracelet and it just looks like a cluttered bunch of metal beads. (But I do know people who love them, which makes gift giving easier lol.)

    6. Safetykats*

      I’m also not crazy about them, but I don’t really wear costume jewelry (metal allergy). As a result, the jewelry I can afford (gold or rhodium plated) tends to be pretty understated. After so many years of that kind of stuff, the Pandora feels kind of clunky and ostentatious to me.

      I do have friends who love it, but their style tends to be much more flamboyant, so it works a well for them. So while I don’t like it at all, I can appreciate it on others.

    7. fposte*

      I got a gift coupon to them once. The bracelets weren’t my thing but I actually found a nice summery ring that I enjoy. I don’t think I’d go there on my own, but I do like my ring.

    8. Marzipan*

      I am always in awe of the sheer brass balls of companies that charge like thirty, forty, fifty quid for a single bead. I find it completely fascinating that people will pay – and even queue up for them! At Christmas they have to put up barriers!

    9. STOP! It's Panda Time*

      For me? I don’t like them. For my family and friends? I love when they like them because it can make gift-giving easier.

    10. Ann O’Nemity*

      I have a Pandora bracelet. It’s silver and all the charms are the blingy white crystal style. It makes holidays easy for my husband – just get me another charm in the same style.

    12. Mrs. Fenris*

      I have a Pandora bracelet that is not a charm bracelet. It’s a very slim silver bangle with teal on one side. I like it, and it’s meaningful to me…it was a goodbye gift from my old boss. :-) Sometimes I wear it to remind myself of her confidence in me.

    13. Menacia*

      Too much of a fad for me, and in fact two women in my office were “competing” against one another who had the most charms…seriously? I don’t see either one of them wearing them now, they wearing different fad bracelets. I’ll stick to gold and diamonds. ;)

    14. Stars*

      So yesterday. They seemed like a fad that was big 5 years ago. Haven’t people moved onto the next new shiny thing?

    15. Wrench Turner*

      I’m not a fan, aesthetically. Beyond that it’s the world’s most expensive charm bracelet. If you really like that style of thing, I guarantee your local artist community has someone that can make it better and way, way cheaper.

    16. MissDissplaced*

      I don’t really get the seemingly wild appeal of them. But, other than my watch, I don’t wear bracelets.

    17. Beatrice*

      I don’t like the charm bracelets, they’re too clunky. Some of their other jewelry is pretty, but I find it all overpriced.

    18. Windchime*

      So I actually like Pandora bracelets. I have two different ones; one is my Family bracelet and it has charms related to my kids, pets, etc. The other is my Travel bracelet and has charms that I have collected on trips. They are kind of heavy and make a noise when I type so I don’t wear them to work every day, but I do wear them at other times.

    19. Bagpuss*

      They don’t appeal to me personally but they do make buying presents easy if you have friends or family who like them!

    20. OP (how do you work at home with cats)*

      They look nice but I can’t justify the expense. There are much cuter, less expensive charm bracket on etsy.

  2. Incantanto*

    Has anybody else seen the film Blockers? I wasn’t expecting much going in, but it was really enjoyable. Genuinely funny, a proper coming of age type film. Smashed a few sterotypes and was really positive. A bit mushy in places but I really liked it.

    1. annakarina1*

      I wasn’t interested because it looked terrible to me, but I listened to a podcast interview with the director, who I was surprised was a woman, and she wanted to make an R-rated sex comedy that was sex-positive for girls. So I might see it after all.

      1. Cringing 24/7*

        I’m suddenly far more intrigued to watch it now that I know it was directed by a woman – it would be nice to see a popular comedy from that perspective. Thanks for sharing, annakarina1!

      2. Triplestep*

        I also was not interested as it seemed terrible, but I heard the NPR review, and was surprised at how positive it was. That made me more interested.

        1. Amaterasu*

          The NPR review made me interested, too! Sometimes I think they give away too much information in their reviews but this time it actually helped sway my decision to see it.

      3. Incantanto*

        It is really sex-positive for women, actually. Obviously very silly but very good fun!

      4. JamieS*

        Hmm. I actually wasn’t interested in it because a movie about parents trying to keep their daughters from having sex seemed incredibly sex-negative and furthered the double standard it’s bad for girls to have sex. I mean I don’t recall any movies about parents going out of their way to try to keep their sons pure.

        1. Incantanto*

          Tbh, pretty much the entire point of the movie is getting the parents to agree with you!

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          That was my impression from the preview I saw too and I thought it looked pretty gross.

        3. The Original K.*

          They expressly call this out in the movie. It was much better than I was expecting (and I had heard that it was more girls-sex-positive than expected, which is why I was on board to see it in the first place).

        4. Mr McGregor's Gardener*

          Apparently one of the Dads doesn’t want his daughter to have sex with a boy because she’s actually a lesbian, and he doesn’t want her to be pressured by heteronormativity. Which is refreshing. The review on The Mary Sue was very positive.

      5. Another person*

        That is interesting because that is the exact opposite impression I got from any of the previews that I have seen for it.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’ll probably wait for it to be available via a streaming service or HBO, but I have a big soft spot for John Cena (not a crush– a weird appreciation), so I’m glad to know it’s worth it beyond him!

    4. Totally Minnie*

      I had written the movie off based on the trailer, but people here have convinced me to put it on my watch list.

      I think whoever cut the trailer might have done the film a disservice. If watching the trailer makes people think the movie is the opposite of what it actually is, that’s not a good trailer.

  3. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans there’s now a groups.io group (link in username).

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk RPGs with.

    3. nep*

      Kinda familiar with the term D&D only because I’ve heard a nephew talk about it. RPG makes me think rocket-propelled grenade. I’m so out of it. Sounds like a great idea. Enjoy!

          1. Zzz*

            Yep, and World of Warcraft is an example of a MMORPG: massively mutliplayer online role playing game.

    4. SineNomine*

      Damn! I’ve been considering finding an online DnD group for a while now, but the timing kills me. I have surgery coming up pretty soon which will knock me out of commission for a while =(. This sucks. Have fun guys!

      1. Antagonist Relations*

        Hopefully your surgery goes well and when you’re back in commission the group will still be around and there’ll be a chance for you to join a D&D group through it if you’re still interested then.

  4. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

    I wrote in last weekend’s thread about how I figured out I’m having a depression relapse.
    Im happy to report things are improving.

    I spoke to my boss, project manager and grand boss on Tuesday and they all took it extremely well, and have been incredibly supportive.
    My boss has been texting to check on me every few days, and said I could call any time if I wanted to talk, work hours or not.
    (She’s battling burnout now, and is actually going on leave for a few months to travel and recover.)
    Grandboss was briefer but thanked me for being open and asked if I wanted to schedule a meeting to discuss what she can do to help me.

    In a stroke of luck, we need to reduce staffing on my project for a few weeks, which means I can be gone and no one will ask any questions. I’m not ashamed but it’s a relief to not have to explain over and over.

    Now I just have to deal with the boredom.
    I’ve been on sick leave before and even when you need it, it gets mindnumbingly boring.
    I’m very glad I’ll get around 85% of my salary in sick pay though. (Thank you government and employer)

    I’m planning on doing lots of knitting and walking. I’ve even considered going someplace warm for a long weekend and just lay by a pool and soak up sun.

    1. nep*

      So glad to hear things are improving. Great that you talked with boss, etc, and that they’re all being supportive!
      Enjoy and keep being good to yourself.
      Peace.

    2. Thursday Next*

      That’s wonderful that your workplace has been so supportive. Good for you for taking the issue to them!

      I hope things continue to improve. Your plan of knitting and walking sounds GREAT. A warm place to lie by the pool also sounds great.

    3. Safetykats*

      Knitting is very therapeutic for me. And when you’re done, you have (hopefully) something nice that you or someone else can use, so that feels nice.

      I hope you have someone to talk to a bit, maybe on the phone if you don’t feel up to talking in person. Or maybe there is a knitting group you can find. Our local library has a nice, sunny room where a few knitters gather. I suggest that only because sometimes it’s helpful not to feel too isolated. (Of course, sometimes it’s lovely to jus watch reruns of Bones and knit an entire blanket.)

    4. Parenthetically*

      I’m so so glad to hear this, Some Sort!! Great news. Hoping things continue to head in this positive direction. :)

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Getting warm sun and relaxing sounds like great self-care. :)

      I wish I could go somewhere right now–I REALLY need to get out of here for a while. Even if it’s cold–just so it’s different!

    6. Kisses*

      I’m happy you are doing well. I’m in a depressive phase of manic/depressive disorder and it’s really hard. I like hearing when people come out of it. Sorry. Im in a dark spot myself.
      I’m glad for you.

  5. Pine tree*

    I’m moving! There’s been a wonderful abundance of packing tips in recent threads, which I’ve copied and am referencing, and now I’d love your actual how-to for long distance moves.

    Hire a company or do it myself with a uhaul? Do a pod? Any particular suggestions on actual companies?

    I’m moving from Virginia to North Carolina, about 4 hours away, and have around a month lead time. Thank you!!

    1. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

      If you can afford to hire a company (with people who lift the heavy stuff in and out, including any stairs), I’d definitely do that. Moving is exhausting to begin with, I tend to not want to make it worse.

      I hope your move goes well!

      1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        +1

        I used a pod for a move halfway across the country. While it was fine for budgetary reasons, and we appreciated the service, I used a professional moving company for a more recent move…worth every single penny, dime, what have you.

        I packed, they moved. While I could have done a better job packing stuff up, I did nothing, and it was amazing. I just stood there, which was absolutely crazy to me. I’ll definitely only use movers from here on out. Worth every penny!

      2. Moving sucks*

        +1
        I’m normally a hardcore do-it-yourself person, but moving is the one thing I don’t hesitate to throw money at. For my last move, I packed my boxes and the company I hired loaded them and my furniture, and unloaded at the new house. Well worth the $600 (120/hr, IIRC).

    2. Turtlewings*

      When I moved across several states about three years ago, we got a Budget truck. It was definitely the cheapest and we were pleased with the truck and service. There was nothing fancy, very bare-bones, but we figured it would be. Nothing broke down and no one tried to cheat us; that was all we asked for, for that price.

      (That said, if you can afford to hire movers, definitely hire movers!!!)

    3. neverjaunty*

      Do not rent from U-Haul for long distance moves.

      If you can afford movers and have references to a reputable company, absolutely hire movers! It’s about 300% less stressful.

      1. Hmmm*

        I’ve personally had perfectly fine experiences with uhaul, as have others I know, so ymmv I guess.

        1. De Minimis*

          I’ve never had problems with U-Haul either, and have used it to move cross country multiple times.

          Think my wife and I are to the point where we may try movers from now on, though, it takes a lot out of you.

      2. A Worker Bee*

        I second the do not use Uhaul. Really bad experience and afterwords I heard people say there’s were worse.

        1. Nisie*

          I’ve had uhaul try to stiff me for added expenses after the move and I will not use again

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Seconding the movers — I’ve only used a U-Haul for a 4 hour trip once, when moving from our first apartment to our second apartment. We were young and poor, and most of our stuff was crap, so we did it all with the help of some friends. But if you’re trying to pinch every penny and you’re moving out of an apartment, a truck or a pod aren’t necessarily bad ideas.

      But do a LOT of research if you use a moving company! I’ve heard a lot of horror stories of people being charged 2-3x the estimate or more, and only being told of the increase once the truck was loaded and in transit. Make sure you get the estimate in writing.

      1. MMM*

        Seconding the research part! Check Yelp reviews etc, and get everything in writing. Also definitely try to get quotes from a few options to price compare, different places will have different methods of calculating the cost (by mileage, by time, in state vs out of state etc)

        1. Life is Good*

          Thirding the research part! Back in the late 80’s, my husband’s company hired movers for us every time they moved us (practically once a year!). We really didn’t have much say on who did it. They used national companies and I remember opening boxes of stuff with so much paper wrapped around non-breakables that simply filled up tons more boxes than necessary. They may have been paid by the number of boxes they packed? Anyway, unpacking at the new place was crazy. I opened several boxes that had a bunch of spice cans each wrapped in a basketball sized wad of paper. Another time, the driver (big national company – name like wallflower) brought a guy along to help unloading who was obviously hungover. He reeked and complained about how crappy he felt the whole time.

      2. Natalie*

        Interstate moves are also federally regulated, so there are good resources on what your rights are wrt estimates, payments, etc.

    5. Lazy Cat*

      Obviously this depends on how much stuff you have! I moved across the country using Amtrak shipping, and drove anything fragile /too big /electronic /etc in my car as I drove. (Straight out of grad school).

      That said, the last time I moved was a half mile down the road, and we hired movers (2 men and a truck) just to deal with the big furniture, since we were moving into a 2 story place with an awkward staircase. We moved all the small stuff in our cars. Best money we spent.

      1. Windchime*

        My sister recently just hired the same company (2 men and a truck). The person who did the walk-through to make the packing list “forgot” to write down her sofa and two love seats, so the truck that was sent wasn’t big enough. The guys who did the actual loading were excellent, though, and managed to make almost everything fit. We had three SUVs packed to the gills with things that wouldn’t fit, but at least Sis got the move done. So be sure to really look over the estimate list; make sure they put everything on it. I think the money she paid was really worth it, and they did a great job of wrapping and protecting her furniture. (She packed the boxes herself).

    6. periwinkle*

      How much stuff are you moving? If you don’t have a lot, a pod is an inexpensive option.

      We’ve moved twice since 2014. The first time was cross-country but we didn’t bring a lot of stuff with us (no furniture). We rented a pod, did our own packing and loading, hired a local company at the destination to unload, and did our own unpacking. The second time was across town, by which time we had bought new furniture. We packed everything except the furniture, hired that same company to pack the furniture and load/move/unload/reassemble furniture. My husband and cats would prefer that we not have a third move anytime soon…

    7. Reba*

      I have done the pod thing (U-Pack) and I think it would be expensive for what you’re doing. It was a good deal when there was also storage involved in between. And if you like packing puzzles, it’s great for that!

      My most recent move we with did with a rented truck (Penske). Rented and purchased moving blankets and used lots of the stretch cling wrap for the furniture. Took two days, with two of us plus my handy brother, to pack the 16′ truck. It was stressful at times to drive but I actually enjoyed it overall. Then we hired movers for the day upon arrival. That was VERY worth it, and only about $200 before tip in a large metro area. We just called a local company listed on the Penske rental site. It was a very small business, i.e. just two burly dudes, but they were great! (One of them got stuck in the elevator for a while; we tipped well.) I’d recommend this setup. I wish we had done it on our moves before!

      I have never used a full-service moving thing mainly because my moves, once out of the “stuff everything in your car” phase, have tended to be very long distances, and have delicate timing where I wanted to be in charge of my stuff, not waiting for it to arrive.

      Good luck!

    8. C*

      I’ve done the move myself and move with full service packers and movers, and agree that if you can swing it financially, full service movers are worth every penny. They can handlw your dishware well, and you basically go from living your life one day to fully packed the next. Do some calling around for quotes and don’t forget to purchase additional insurance for the move!

    9. Cheryl the Retired*

      You can also do a pod but hire movers to unpack it at your new place. Not sure about how that pricing compares to hiring movers for everything, but I know it is an option and know folks who’ve done it.

    10. The Person from the Resume*

      Pay people to pack and move you. I hired movers to pack and load the truck and unload. I had my dad drive the Penske rental truck but I won’t do that again since I witnessed him have a near accident in my rear view mirror when he switched several lanes at once in front of a large truck. He was driving b/c I’m uncomfortable driving anything that large. He was fine except scared the hell out of me.

    11. Quika*

      If you have parking space on each end and not alot of bulky furniture try abf.. key is to pack well so maximize use of space as pay by foot.
      Just did full move where we had 1 day to prep and 1 day to pack truck ( divorce situation) and paying extra was so worth it. The team had furniture and boxes out of the house in a few hours
      Prenegotiate and get in writing what have to pay if have more stuff… .our extra cost was way more then estimate but that was because we ended up with way more stuff on truck then planned. But would have had to pay double if did not preset price when the company was trying to get my business haed to bargain when stuff on the truck…

    12. Frequent mover*

      We have moved 15th times, so it’s something I’m really familiar with. The best moves were those for which we hired movers but it’s still an exhausting event. The best tip I’ve learned over all those moves is to set up and make up the beds very first thing – sheets, pillows, etc. When you are finally ready to go to bed, you’ll be glad the beds are ready.

    13. Earthwalker*

      If you go with a rental truck remember that if the last guy doesn’t get the truck back in time it really messes up your plans. We rented once. We had friends waiting to help pack up on moving day but we didn’t get the truck until 11:00 pm. Our friends staged the furniture in the garage but we were on our own to pack the truck the next morning. When we reached our destination the rental company immediately wanted the truck back before we could get it unpacked. They seemed to think that 11:00 to midnight on that first day still counted as our first day’s rental and we owed them more rent and a late fee for being a day behind on our moving plans. Of course, since we were a day behind, I imagine the next renter had the same problem.

    14. AliceBD*

      I did a similar opposite move last summer, going about 6 hours away. I called several moving companies and went with the company that quoted me $1000 less than the other ones. It was the local Allied Moving affiliate, and they did a fantastic job. Came when they said they would to pack up and drop off, and none of my stuff was hurt. I did the packing into boxes, but I ran out of tape to finish closing the boxes, and that wasn’t a problem as they happily closed all my boxes up for me. They put everything into the room it was going to go in and reassembled my bed (they had disassembled it). Cost me ~$2500 for a one-bedroom apartment plus tips/water and I would absolutely use professional movers again. They packed up my stuff on Tuesday, I got the keys to my new place on Wednesday, internet was set up on Thursday (I had packed in my car a folding chair, like the parents use at kids soccer games or you use car camping, and I would highly recommend it as it let me sit comfortably in my new empty place before the movers came), and they deposited my stuff on Friday.

  6. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    First weekend in a while that I haven’t had to do anything. Taking advantage of it! Made scrambled eggs in muffin tins, so breakfast for the week is set. Probably make pulled chicken in the crock pot so I’ll have dinner for the week.

    Only thing I’m NOT looking forward to is cleaning the chinchilla cage. Maybe I’ll bribe myself with a trip to the library…

    What is everyone else up to this weekend?

    1. Nicole76*

      I’ve tried the egg muffins before and mine came out so dry I didn’t want to eat them. What’s the secret to keeping them moist?

      How are chinchillas as pets? I’ve never known anyone who had one.

      Not much planned for the weekend. Probably a trip to the pet store for dog food and a few small projects around the house. Yesterday I went through our kitchen cabinets and filled a box of cups, mugs, and bakeware I haven’t used in years and plan to donate. It feels good to reduce the amount of stuff we have!

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        I add buttermilk to mine! Unfortunately, I just eye it so I don’t have a measurement. Maybe a tablespoon – tablespoon and a half per egg?

        I love having a chinchilla! Her name is Norma Jeane. They have wonderful little personalities. Mine is very social but stubborn, but it’s part of her charm. They’re also very intelligent little animals. Plus…… low maintenance. As an apartment dweller, she’s the perfect pet for me.

        I did that with my closet a few years ago! It was a great feeling clearing it all out. And an equally (possibly better) feeling donating it all!

        1. kc89*

          My childhood chinchilla was friendly and social except she didn’t like to be touched with the exception of having her chin scratched, she loved that

          Mostly she was fun to watch eat things, the way she would use her little hands

        2. Nicole76*

          Do you use liquid buttermilk or powdered? I bought the latter once thinking I’d get more opportunity to use it before it went bad and I still didn’t. Maybe I’m missing opportunities to use buttermilk in general.

          2. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

            The best buttermilk thing is fry sauce! Nobody on the East Coast seems to know the wonders of it, but I presume all AAM fans west of like Colorado or so are familiar. Lots of people know it’s a combo of ketchup and mayonnaise, and that’s fine, but the real secret ingredient is a bit of buttermilk.

            1. Nicole76*

              Why didn’t I think of this? I freeze everything else (pesto, lime/lemon juice, tomato paste, carrots, peppers, etc). Thanks for the suggestion. Now I can try it in other recipes!

          4. Bullwinkle*

            If you’re a meat eater, it makes a good marinade/brine for roasted chicken. The recipe I have used is Smitten Kitchen buttermilk roast chicken. The recipe uses about half the container of the size they sell at my store, so I’ll get extra chicken, double the recipe and freeze half the marinade with chicken in a ziploc. As long as you remember to thaw it out in time, it makes for an easy dinner- just throw it in the oven.

          5. sharon*

            Buttermilk is already soured. You can use it long after the date on the carton.

      3. sharon*

        Try chewy.com they have a lot of dog foods and orders over 50 bucks they ship for free. We get dog food and flea dope. Hits the 50 dollar mark and it’s delivered to your front door. All I have to do is lug the 30lbs of dog food in the front door. Much easier on me.

    2. Handy nickname*

      Aww chinchillas are my favorite!! I have a friend who has some, and I invite myself over every couple months just so I can hang out with them.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        I’m pretty sure my best friend comes o er just for the chinchilla. She’ll great me with a hello, but my pet gets, “NORMA JEANE!!! HELLLOOOO BABY HOW ARE YOU???”

        I’ve learned to adjust. ;-)

    3. Laura H*

      I have that which we don’t discuss on weekends, but I wasn’t scheduled Sun- fri so I’m ready to get outta the house.

        1. nep*

          One of those indoor playground places. Her mom’s renting it for a couple hours. This should be fun. Four years old.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Not much today (except a couple of trips to the horse barn; one for a lesson, one for a team practice), but tomorrow we’re all going to the US Science and Engineering Festival in DC!! Can’t wait! :D

      Anyone else going to be there?

    6. Jess R.*

      This weekend I’m in Oregon for my sister’s wedding, which means I just woke up without an alarm for the second day in a row and I am DELIGHTED. I can’t remember the last time I got to wake up naturally two days in a row.

      It’s real good to have some real down time.

    8. Jen RO*

      I’m in Paris! I had to travel here for work and return tickets were super expensive on a Friday, so I got to stay over the weekend and the weather is amaaaazing.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have been monitoring the French railway strikes, which have thwarted my plans for a weekend later in the month. Still, it turns out that a place I wanted to visit is currently closed for renovation work, so I need to go later anyway.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Aaahh! Cool! I don’t care that much about the Mona Lisa, but the Louvre has been on my museum nerd bucket list for ages.
        I knew the weather had improved a bit — my Twitter crush went to Eastern Europe and posted a video where he was outside in a t-shirt. I’m jealous because it’s butt-clenching cold again here.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It’s really rainy and yucky today, but we need the rain so I’m ok with that. I started cleaning at 8:30 and got inspired enough to dust the whole place, so all is really nice now. My dog refuses to walk in the rain (he peed briefly in the front yard), so we have a day of naps planned before a dress rehearsal this evening. Concert tomorrow. Not very exciting, but certainly productive!

    10. Caro in the UK*

      I’m trying surfing for the first time tomorrow… I’m woefully lacking in any sort of balance, so it should be fun!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I did surfing down in Cornwall two summers ago and it was just so much fun. We went to Trebarwith Sands – they have a surf coach down there who was awesome. In August it was cold but very beautiful. I got up on my knees a few times, but I definitely wasn’t in the shape I am now. A few days of more lessons in Portugal is on my list for this year.

        Youll have a blast – the sensation is like nothing else!

    11. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Resting – the place I go to during the week has turned into absolutely frustrating and stressful hell the last week or two and while I have to Do Things tomorrow, I figured I was due for both sleep and a mental break.

      It was supposed to be nicer today so we totally intended to do the First Grill of the season, but it clouded over. Oh well, still grilled and our kitchen smells like summer! Also – top tip, Tsardust Memories spice mix from Penzeys is the absolute BOMB on grilled pork loin. Finally opened the jar we had bought two years ago to give it a try and it was a great decision.

      Will watch some of the Masters with the Mister tonight since he’s been traveling for work, and then catch up on tv later while he nerds out on the golf the rest of the night.

    12. Slartibartfast*

      Today I cleaned up a winter’s worth of dog poo from the yard, disgusting but it feels good to have it done! Cleared some debris from the flower beds. We deep cleaned the kids rooms last weekend, trying to goad my husband into cleaning out the closet. It’s about 95% his uniforms, about 75% of those either don’t fit properly, are worn out in places, or are the “old” style, but they all look the same to me. He also owns 15 pairs of identical-looking boots that are apparently all different somehow…

    13. Elizabeth West*

      FREEZING.
      I had to knock snow off the car to get to meditation this morning and now it’s all gone. But it’s gotten cold again. Tomorrow I’ll give the house a clean.

  7. Myrin*

    Oooh, what a lovely little video! I’m still cracking up at Things name just being “Thing”. I’d like to pretend that I coined the term but I actually only had the idea to point it out in the first place because that one picture’s caption was something like “Lucy on thing” and I found that utterly hilarious. It seems like the cats really like it? Is there one toy or “furniture” that all of them like best?

    1. fposte*

      My friends call that “the curl.”

      I like the lesson of the video–if you do not listen to the tail, you will get the paw.

      1. Windchime*

        Me too. I liked that Eve was cool with the licking and affection until it became clear that Olive wanted the Thing–then Eve bopped her! LOL.

  8. New Kitty to the Mix*

    I just adopted a new 2 year old kitty after not having one for a few years. The girl I got her from said she was raised with dogs. I wouldn’t have taken the kitty otherwise as I have two dogs. The kitty is very sweet and affectionate but is still very uncomfortable around the dogs. She hasn’t seen them yet, she just hears them sniffing thru the door. Is this normal? She is doing this low gutteral growl. Please any tips on successful introductions would be appreciated.

    1. Rosie M. Banks*

      Pretty normal, especially right at first. Cats, in general, are not super good with change. Keeping them in separate rooms for a few days is probably a good idea. Do you have a kennel for the dogs? When you introduce them for real for the first, time, I’d recommend keeping the dogs in their kennel, so the kitty can explore (and probably run away and hide) without feeling threatened.

      2. New Kitty to the Mix*

        Hi Rosie, I have her in a guest room right now. I guess I feel guilty that she doesn’t have free run of the house or more time with me/hubby like the dogs do. We are putting up baby gates today (no dog kennels) and building her a kitty tower.

        1. Rosie M. Banks*

          You are probably already doing this, but when I had a new kitty in a similar situation, I just made sure to spend as much time as I could in the room with him. We might play a little, but often I’d just hang out and read a book. Sometimes he’d want to be petted, and sometimes he’d look at me distrustfully from across the room. Either way, I figured he was adjusting to the new place and learning that he was safe there and someone would take care of him.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Seconding sitting on the bed in that room reading a book or typing on a laptop, letting the cat get used to you. We let the dog briefly into the room a few times as the kittens got used to the sounds and smells of the house. Our dog had been thoroughly mindwashed by the 20 year old cat we had when she was a puppy, and gave the new cats lots of space, so a lot of supervision wasn’t needed–if yours are more inclined to chase the Small New Thing I’d supervise closely, with immediate deep voice response for anything too aggressive.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I kept my cats in the guest room initially, too.

            I let my dog see me holding the cat in my lap. The visual was not lost on him, “this is something we protect and take care of”. In a similar vein, the cats could sit in my lap and look around to familiarize themselves with their new environment. “the dog is over there and my new mom will keep me safe”.

            One adult cat I adopted went from being terrorized by the previous dogs to eating out of my dog’s dish WHILE he was eating. (He simply started eating faster. Being a 60 pound dog he could shovel the food in and this was discouraging to her.)
            Let her know that YOU support her. And she will evolve. Talk to her a lot, this is part of how they acclimate. The two cats I kept in the guest room learned to open the door themselves and ventured out into the house on their own. It takes time to build that confidence. One took over a year to be confident enough to go into any room in the house, but she kept working on over-coming her fears.
            They all seemed to need about 6-8 weeks to shift gears away from total fear. Then it became a mix of fear and curiosity.

        2. Kuododi*

          There is nothing to feel guilty about. Cats/Kitty’s do not have the same emotional needs for other humans as dogs and humans do. Sounds like y’all are doing well with the adjustments. I adopted a small silver tabby who got separated from her mother long time ago. She had quite a bit of trouble adjusting to the change from her foster home. At the time DH and I were living in a small condo in SE USA so there were not alot of options for rooms to keep her in while she delt with the transition. I set up her things in the guest bathroom and spent time with her every day. She did well but was never a “lovey-dovey” cat. As far as my cat was concerned I was her only human. The funny thing was that even when she was elderly…her safe space wherever we lived was behind the nearest toilet!!!! All because of her early time in the bathroom of that small condo!!

          1. TootsNYC*

            My aloof kitty has only ever sat on lap (or now, cuddled with a foot) in the bathroom. I assume this is because she was “acclimated” by the rescue using the “corral the cat in the bathroom” thing.

            1. Kuododi*

              Ha ha!!! My dear kitty would come flirt and love all over me but only if she was positive we we’re alone in the house. Otherwise… I was out of luck. She tolerated the existence of DH only bc she knew he would keep the food dish full and the cat pan clean if I happened to be out of town. She truly believed in the philosophy of “cats own the house… humans just pay the bills!!!”

    2. fposte*

      I would say “comfortable with dogs” doesn’t mean “comfortable with all dogs” and it certainly doesn’t mean “comfortable with strange dogs,” so this doesn’t sound all that terrible for a new kitty in the house. It sounds like you’re wisely keeping her in her own enclosed space as she gets settled; I would say that growling through the door isn’t all that uncommon a reaction to The Thing On The Other Side Of The Door in that situation (I know a cat that does that to her beloved sister). I would say the important thing is to make sure she has lots of high perches that she can get to safely in rooms where she shares space with the dogs, and that the dogs can’t make her feel blocked from the litterbox.

      I’d be inclined to keep the introductions staged: if she hasn’t been in the larger space, allow her to explore it and its perches with the dogs excluded from the area first; give her a chance to meet each dog individually face to face, with the dog on a leash, until the cat loses some of her novelty; then two on leashes; then with the chillest dog unleashed; then both. Reward the dogs amply for being cool with the cat, too, since this is a training process. Watch everybody to make sure there’s reasonable comfort before moving on to the next step.

      1. New Kitty to the Mix*

        I have taken her to the larger space (living room / dining room) when I have the dogs locked in the master bedroom. She just runs back into the guest room. I bring her treats, laser, fuzzy toy to try to coax her to stay, explore. I leave the guest room door open so she can explore (all while the dogs are locked up) I’m not sure if she is exploring or not. Maybe I’m being overly optimistic. I only adopted her on Thursday. I just want her to be comfortable and happy.

        1. fposte*

          If she’s only been home two days, it sounds pretty par for the course. As Rosie says, cats aren’t quick on change. I wouldn’t take her into the larger space if she doesn’t choose it on her own yet, since she’s going to feel more secure with an enclosed space that functions as her safe territory; just leave the guest room door open when you can.

          I think sometimes one of the hardest things to do as a parent or pet owner is understand that they need some time to be unhappy before they can be happy. No matter how loving the new home, change is a wrench and adaptation can take time, whether you’re talking a foster child or a new kitty.

          And definitely build the kitty tower; also clear her some ledges, shelves, etc. that it’s okay for her to be up on, and maybe put down towels or cushions to really mark those spots out. She’s probably going to go there anyway, and she needs more than one high space, so might as well direct her to the spots that are best for you.

        2. Drop Bear*

          I wouldn’t worry about her running back to the guest room. After I moved recently my cat spent about a week under the bed – only came out for quick food and toilet breaks then back under she went – some cats take a while to settle in new places even if the people/dogs aren’t new.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Two day is a very short time in their minds. Very short. She will become comfy and happy, she will just do it on her time frame and no one else’s. ha! She will be okay you are a good pet parent.

    3. periwinkle*

      Normal. New people, new smells, new furry creatures – everything is new, and the kitty needs time to adjust. If she’s only been with you since Thursday, this is perfectly normal! If she keeps running back into the guest room, great, that means she now feels comfortable and safe there. Gradually she’ll feel comfortable elsewhere. It sounds like you’re doing it right.

      1. New Kitty to the Mix*

        Thank you. I thought maybe that was the case but I just wanted to make sure.

    4. epi*

      Very normal. I adopted a 2 year old cat in January and I think it was late February or early March before he could be out with my (very tiny, not particularly aggressive) other cat all the time. It really paid off and now they play together and both sleep in our bed. Even many only cats aren’t ready for full time free run of the house yet a few days after getting a new family– they actually need the security of their own space for a while.

      If you search for introducing cats to dogs, you should find lots of suggested sequences and advice on how to know your pets are ready to get closer. In general, it helps to praise and treat your cat any time she gets a little closer to the dogs or the door to their area. Try feeding her near the door, having supervised baby gate time where she gets treats and praise with no pressure to actually interact with the dogs, and slowly increasing the time they are exposed to one another. It can also help to do this stuff after mealtimes and walks so everyone is calmer and a little tired.

  9. Persephone Mulberry*

    Best tips for getting your rental application considered (chosen!) when your credit is not great?

    The leasing process is being managed by Renters Warehouse. The property is hot – they have it priced way below market for some reason. Do application cover letters actually get considered? I even found a reference to a “rental resume” on one website. Is it worth even applying or am I throwing away good money?

    1. Hellanon*

      We like to talk to people’s references – prior landlords can speak to how careful people are about paying their rent & being generally good tenants better than a credit report. Having said that, when we meet with someone, if they swing straight at the problems on their credit report, tell us up front they know what the report will say, it’s a big point in their favor. Anyone can have one-off issues – medical problems, periods of unemployment, divorces can all impact credit. What we look at is a) are they honest about it? b) is it a one-time kind of thing or a pattern? and c) did the rent get paid regardless.

      1. Fiennes*

        I got trapped in a renter’s nightmare once—was sent an eviction notice for unpaid rent when I’d paid, called in a panic to no response, then learned almost everyone in my building was in the same boat. We then got sheepish phone calls informing us that actually the previous manager had taken off with the last few months of rent. New management seemed okay—but wouldn’t talk about the previous incident. Even when you were trying to get a new place, and got turned down due to the old notice of eviction. They wouldn’t offer written proof. I think they didn’t want to admit how badly they’d screwed up, or wanted to cement their tenants in for life.

        And yes, the way I got out was by being upfront and personal. I found a landlord who was personally renting a unit, as opposed to a large property management company. I met with him. I offered to sign a two-year lease. I brought my credit report and even references. He appreciated the info and the honesty. (While of course my old company wouldn’t confirm anything, he said they were so evasive and weird he could tell something really was up. I don’t know if he’d have bothered pressing that issue if I hadn’t already made a good impression.) Honesty helps.

        1. Mildred*

          I didn’t know that I might need to be concerned about this sort of thing. I sued my last landlord because she didn’t follow the law regarding my security deposit. We settled a few days before the trial (she gave me the entire amount plus a little more to avoid possibly having to pay treble damages). I’ve already been in my new apartment for almost 2 years, so I hope the dispute with the previous landlord doesn’t cause me trouble in the future.

          1. Mildred*

            And in response to the original question, I think a personal letter couldn’t hurt, and it could really help. And I agree with the other suggestions about discussing your credit report beforehand.

      2. Persephone Mulberry*

        I have what I think is a solid rental history? – four years in my current place and three years at the place before that. My credit is screwed up because my revolving utilization is high and I bungled my student loans within the past two years.

        1. Mananana*

          We just had tenants move in to our rental home today who had problematic credit. However, they both had good work histories, sufficient income, AND they wrote a letter explaining what happened to their credit (in their case, it was a “surprise, you have a kid you didn’t know about and now you must pay child support!”).

          They let some credit card payments go late while they were getting this figured out. But they always paid their rent. Between that, and their offer to do a 2-year lease, we are giving them a chance.

    2. I Love Thrawn*

      In my case, the property mgment firm did pull credit but cared only about eviction records. Thankfully for me, as I had none of those, but the rest of it…

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        That’s how we got into my current place – big commercial complex, as far as I can tell they take anyone who meets the income guidelines and has a clean eviction record. We got rejected by three or four places due to credit history before we got in with this one.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      My parents are landlords, and are currently looking for a new tenant. They had a woman apply, and on the credit report they get there’s a “grade” – like A, B, C, etc. This woman had an “F”. It was REALLY bad, and a lot of it was little stuff. Not like she was late, but multiple multiple charge offs and vehicle repossessions. And a lot of these were for a couple hundred dollars (while her income is in the $70k range). They turned her down. My parents have rented to people with not great credit before, but this was too much.

      Moral of the story is, if you’ve got not great credit, do what you can to address it. That may not be much depending on the issue, sometimes you just have to let it age off. But if you’ve got a bunch of stuff in collections or behind on payments, cut your expenses to the bone and take care of them if you can. If there are errors, get those addressed. And get a system in place to make sure you pay your bills timely, every month. Educate yourself on budgeting and general financial stuff – it’s not going to hurt you, and the general level of financial literacy in the US is in the toilet.

    4. Can't Sit Still*

      My credit wasn’t great and I made less than the required 3x monthly rent, but I provided a letter with detailed explanations about everything, and lots of proof to back everything up and got the apartment. The most important part was that I had a history of on-time rent payments and no evictions, though. I was totally honest throughout the process. This was with a mid-size property management company.

  10. Bluebell*

    New Orleans travel tips? I’m going in a few weeks. Looking for some culture suggestions as well as delicious food (I’m a pescetarian, no shellfish) and excellent cocktails (quality over quantity). Thanks!

    1. cat socks*

      My recommendations for cocktails:

      Latitude 29 for all things tiki. The Missionary’s Downfall is my favorite.
      Sazerac Bar at the Roosevelt Hotel
      Arnaud’s French 75. Hard to believe this classy place is so close to the craziness of Bourbon Street
      Compere Lapin for excellent food and drinks
      Bar Tonique is a great low-key place with for drinks
      Cane and Table. Went there for brunch and cocktails.
      Carousel Bar in the Hotel Monteleone

      I have heard good things about Cure, but haven’t tried it yet.

      Killer Poboys. I went to the location that’s in the back of the Erin Rose bar.

      Have fun! New Orleans is one of my favorite cities.

    2. Fiennes*

      Welcome! You’ll love it.

      Food: although we have a lot of shellfish in New Orleans cooking, there’s no problem working around it. Consider getting a fried catfish poboy at Parkway Bakery or Domelise’s. If you get a chance to splurge on a meal at Commanders Palace or Bayona, take it.

      Cocktails: check out Cure, and maybe pay a visit to Napoleon House. And of course you’ll want a Sazerac. (The real city cocktails are the Sazerac, the Pimms Cup and the French 75. Hurricanes are primarily for tourists. But hey, if you want one, enjoy.) I also enjoy Oak, which is a little off the beaten path, but serves nice cocktails.

      Cultural notes: for the love of all that’s holy, do not spend your whole trip in the French Quarter. Yes, it’s picturesque and fun—and much more interesting off Bourbon Street—but there’s more to see. Take a Lyft to the Garden District, or to a fun stretch of Magazine Street. Take the streetcar to City Park and have beignets at Morning Call. (If you want to go to Cafe du Monde in the FG, consider getting up early to arrive before 9–that’s the only time when more locals than tourists are present, and the pace/vibe is different.) While you can catch a cab in the Quarter, it’s very difficult to get one anywhere else, and local taxi services are very hit and miss about sending cars in a timely fashion. So you’ll probably have to lean on Lyft, the streetcar, buses (including the hop-on hop-off), or some combination of them. I don’t recommend driving here as an out of towner.

      Music: Snug Harbor usually has a good jazz show each night, one at 8 and one at 10. The Maple Leaf Bar uptown has regular zydeco. Some of the big hotels like the Windsor Court actually have very good jazz or cabaret acts every Friday and Saturday. But you’ll find interesting music throughout the Quarter and the Marigny, through to the Bywater.

      Have fun!

      2. Bluebell*

        Thanks for all this. We are actually staying in the garden district. Any suggestions that are art related?

    3. chi type*

      Try to walk in a second line parade! They have them most Sundays (although maybe only certain times of year?). It’s like a parade/walking tour/mobile dance party. Amazing.

      1. Bluebell*

        I’ll look for one, thanks! We are going before jazz fest so I’m not sure if there will be a lull in music.

  11. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    How do you get rid of an urge that doesn’t make any logical sense? In my case, it’s running a marathon.

    I’ve run five marathons. My first marathon in 2007 was one of the biggest thrills of my life and I ran a great race. 2008 was a letdown. 2012 was terrific. But the 2010 race was agony and I almost didn’t finish in 2014 — my quadriceps quit on me both times with eight miles still to go. After both of those races, I swore I would never do another marathon.

    I didn’t get the urge again until I moved late last year. I now live near a beautiful stretch of waterfront where I could pretty easily do 18 to 20 mile training runs if I wanted to. And now the marathon bug is coming back, even though the 11-12 mile runs I’ve been doing lately in prep for a half marathon have felt like plenty.

    After four years of “just” doing half-marathons, I’m not in much shape to run a marathon. I need to lose some weight and somehow strengthen my body if I have any hope of not running out of gas at mile 18 again. I’m not particularly interested in doing that work, to be honest, though I do want to do the long training runs. Three times I’ve run this distance only to swear I’d never do it again. So why is this weird part of me tempted to give it one more go?

    1. runner girl*

      I have a theory, and feel free to disregard if I’m totally off base. Maybe it’s because for one reason or another you need a goal. Maybe a marathon is a good goal to set for yourself, or maybe it’s just sort of your mental go-to because you’ve done it before.

      I’m taking a college course that’s a bit of a stretch right now. 16 weeks of working my ass off, just for the challenge. Not dissimilar to a marathon training plan. I’ve done several marathons and know that training for one right now isn’t something I want to do- I’ve trained for “finish and have a good time” and know that I don’t have the time and structure to train for speed, which is what I want to do if I run another marathon. So I chose a different goal.

      Tl;dr, is it a marathon you want to do, or do you want the challenge and structure of working towards a goal in whatever form that takes?

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        This makes a lot of sense. I was kind of wondering if I wanted to run a marathon as a distraction from other problems in other areas of my life. I’m facing frustrations at work that I don’t know how to solve, and on a personal level I’m just sort of…in a rut. It doesn’t make much sense that torturing my body to pretty much its limit would be an answer, but the mind works in weird ways when you’re a runner.

        1. runner girl*

          You’ve just perfectly described a not-insignificant percentage of folks who enter Ironman events. (in my wholly unqualified armchair anthropologist opinion as someone who has been around endurance sports for a while now).

        2. Not So NewReader*

          It sounds like exercise would actually be beneficial right now. The only caution I have is don’t abandon work problems entirely. If you do decide to go back to running, allot time each week for resolving issues at work.

          Maybe this could work into something that looks like this: Put x amount of time in on head-banging work problem, the reward yourself with y amount of time running.

          Exercise does cause the organs (including the brain) to function better, with better blood flow, nutrients and so on. Expect yourself to start noticing things that got by you before and expect yourself to find new ideas to old issues.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            I like the way you think, Not So New Reader. To be clear, I still am running. I would just be running quite a bit more if I trained for a marathon!

    2. OK*

      Sounds like a part of you feels like there is unfinished business. And it is always more satisfying to go out with a win whatever that means to you for a given situation.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        That also makes sense. I need to ask myself, though, why I still feel like I would feel I need a “win”… I finished an extremely challenging distance five times.

        I always wanted to run a marathon in under four hours. I achieved that goal in 2012, though arguably not by enough (I kind of wanted to smash through the four hour wall with something like 3:45:00, and ended up with 3:58:45, which is kind of like the equivalent of a baseball player having a home run glance off an outfielder’s glove and fall over the wall. It’s still a home run, but…). That being said, I definitely wouldn’t be running marathon #6 with the expectation of smashing through a personal record.

        It’s possible the “win” at this point would be simply to finish the race without my body breaking down. When I ran my last marathon, my bitter disappointment was not that I badly missed my time goal — it was that I could barely walk, let alone run, by the time I got to mile 26.

    3. Ruth (UK)*

      I think based on some of your replies here, running a marathon probably isn’t the right decision for you now, and I agree with runner girl that it might just be that you need a goal, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be a marathon. So I’m not going to suggest the way to get rid of the urge is to run the marathon.

      Maybe you could try to find something else that could become your focus? I’m not sure what but it sounds like you might enjoy having some sort of ‘project’ to work on, like maybe a craft project, or working towards fluency in another language or something? I guess it might be important to find something with some sort of clear milestones, or ‘end’.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thank you. This is definitely something to think about.

    4. Cedrus Libani*

      I’ve had that happen to me before. For me, it’s a signal that I need to take a look at my life and see what’s missing. Do I want the structure? Do I want a distraction from something else? Am I just bored and in a rut, and want to shake things up?

      Some years ago, I found myself eyeing the Olympics. I daydreamed of training for hours a day before work; the bug wouldn’t go away. Mind you, this made very little sense; I was a fat nerd with the athletic talent of a tree stump. But I took inventory of my life…and ended up going for a PhD.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks, Cedrus Libani. I’m in a fairly decent position here because I think I know what’s missing: I’ve basically hit a wall professionally, which is making me feel like my whole life is in a rut. There’s just a part of me that would rather run away from that problem (quite literally) than face it head on. :-)

    5. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Runners high. It’s a hell of a drug. (And dude, you’re a five time marathoner. It’s not that crazy that you want to go for #6.)

      I think the advice you gave me a couple of weeks ago was to just enjoy the race and not put that much of an emphasis on performance – and I thought it was REALLY good advice! But also – I’m just curious: what happened with your 2010 and 2014 races that was different from 2007 and 2012? Like, was it hotter than usual those days, for example? If you really want to go for it, I’d say try to figure out what happened to cause things to go off the rails that didn’t happen during your good races. (It’s a little harder since they’re from 4-11 years ago.)

      Also, I’m going to be the “bad” angel and say go for it. You’re already a consistent runner and have a base; I don’t think it’d be that hard to step back up. And you have a ton of great waterfront. Don’t let it go to waste.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks, Llama Grooming Coordinator, I appreciate the kind words.

        In 2010, it’s probably easy to figure out what happened. Four weeks before the NYC Marathon, I ran a half marathon and absolutely went crazy with my time. At that point, I normally ran half marathons in the 1:50:00 range. I ran that one in 1:45:05. After that, for the rest of my training runs, I just had nothing left in the tank.

        I’m not so sure what happened in 2014. I followed the same training plan as I did in 2012. When I started running on race day, I just… didn’t really have it. It happens sometimes. I was nervous before the race started that I wasn’t going to do well, and maybe that carried over into the race. It was the only time to date that I’ve ever been nervous before running a race.

        In 2012, the year I set my PR, for what it’s worth, my quadriceps also gave up the ghost, but at mile 23 instead of mile 18. By that point, I was already so far ahead of the game that I was able to gut through pretty easily to the finish.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          No problem!

          I actually posted without reading the other comments first. I still stand by my end conclusion, but it also seems like you have a lot going on already in your life. If you actually think you can set aside the time and manage everything else, go for it. It’s not an either/or situation after all. (I mean, you’re already a half runner. I imagine you already do some serious mileage per week, and marathon training isn’t necessarily that much more.) At any rate – from the running end of things, it seems like you already know what the issues were on the “bad” races, and they sound fixable or even like one offs (like 2014).

          Also, I mentioned your comment from a couple of open threads back not only because I thought it was useful when I read it, but also because your OP read a little like you were concerned about getting everything right as opposed to enjoying the experience. (Correct me if I’m wrong though!) At the end of the day, it’s just a race (probably a very expensive race, but just a race nonetheless). I don’t think anyone is going to judge if you don’t run as well or aren’t as in good shape as in 2012.

    6. Junior Dev*

      So I don’t run anymore since I injured myself doing it, but one thing I’m struggling with right now is moderation in exercise. I stopped lifting weights in favor of biking and kickboxing, and I think those two are way better for me because I’m not tempted to push myself past the point of exhaustion or injury.

      Other people are saying you need a goal–maybe you could make it your goal to exercise regularly, but in moderation. Could be running or something else.

    7. Kuododi*

      I am completely spitballing here but if I had to guess I’d say there is a need for goal setting as well as looking at feelings of accomplishment. That’s why I have such a hard time with treadmills… they simply involve running or walking with no goal or purpose. In my case I was heavily involved in martial arts during my thirties and early forties. For me working toward those belt achievements and finally earning black belt was the ultimate goal in my mind. (Particularly coming from my background as a non-exercising bookworm….black belt was an unbelievable goal for my life!). Hope you are able to get back to marathoning as soon as it is medically reasonable!!!! Blessings and enjoy the lovely running route!!!!

    8. CheeryO*

      Why not just enjoy some long runs on the nice waterfront and see what happens? You could very easily be in great shape by the fall if you’re already doing 12 milers regularly, and there’s no need to commit yourself to any particular race at this point. It sounds to me like you’re craving the challenge, or maybe you’re just ready to get revenge on those last two marathons.

      Playing a bit of devil’s advocate here, you really don’t need to lose weight or do any strength training, especially if you just want to finish feeling strong. It sounds like you enjoy the long runs, so you could just work your way up to 18-20 miles and do those until you feel like you could do them in your sleep. Add in some decent miles during the week and you’re in great shape. I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, but I bet you’re closer than you think to being in marathon shape.

  12. Lucy*

    A few months ago there was talk of a Salt Lake City meetup. Anyone still interested? I’m newish to town and would love to meet more people and broaden my social circle.

    Anyone have any ideas? Weekend brunch? After work coffee?

  13. Knoxville*

    Anybody live in Knoxville? I need to decide this week whether I want to move down there next year to start a PhD program. I’m excited about the program but will not have a chance to visit Knoxville due to short notice/work responsibilities and would love to hear your experiences with it.

    1. epi*

      Have you looked at the Grad Cafe forums? They have threads discussing tops for living in most major American cities and college towns. This is right around the time those get active while everyone prepares to move.

    3. NDR*

      I grew up in Knoxville, and while I don’t live there anymore, I go back every 2-3 months.

      It’s a small city, with a college town vibe around the campus. While it’s not going to compete with any major city in terms of culture/food scene, it has been growing and making strides lately. The symphony, art museum, and opera are small but pretty good; the theater scene is also fairly good. Big Ears Festival is becoming well-known as a high quality music festival, and it is based downtown. The downtown itself is thriving and busy through the weekends. There is a downtown farmers market, regular outdoor shows, and lots of shops/restaurants. There are other areas with great restaurants, bars/breweries, music venues that are both established and up-and-coming that are quite close to the university. You won’t find a ton of options for international cuisines, but generally the food scene is good and varied.

      The cost of living is pretty low still and job opportunities are pretty available. If you are in a STEM field, the Oak Ridge National Laboratories are in your backyard and offer prestigious fellowships and internships to different UT programs.

      Knoxville is about an hour from the Great Smoky Mountain National park, and the entire area is peppered with lakes and rivers, so it’s great for outdoors activities. It does get hot and humid in the summers, so be prepared for that.

      It’s also only 3 hours to Atlanta and just under 3 hours to Nashville, which are both easy weekend road trips and offer more variety in terms of shopping, culture, etc. You’d also only be 2 hours from Asheville, NC and Chattanooga, which are also small cities with lots of outdoor offerings and are just fun places to visit.

      As a grad student, I’d recommend living in one of the areas just outside of the campus area , as it seems that campus and it’s surrounding 1/2 mile or so (Fort Sanders neighborhood) is mostly populated by undergraduates. Downtown, the Bearden area, or the Fourth and Gill area would be places I’d be most likely check out for living space.

      The only other thing I’d factor into my consideration is your tolerance for big time college football. From September-late November home games dominate a big fraction of the city and the culture, especially around campus. Of course, you can escape it fairly easily, but it can be a little much to someone who isn’t used to it. And if you need to be on campus/use the library/tend an experiment/etc., you’ll need to factor that into travel time and parking.

      All in all, it’s a nice town and has gotten so much more interesting and diverse since I grew up there (20+ years ago). Feel free to email me at pizzad119 @ gmail, and I can follow up on any questions you might have.

  15. DietCokeHead*

    Well, yesterday I had my kidney stone removal procedure and it did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. The doctor couldn’t get up in my kidney to get the stone, so he placed a ureteral stent and I’ll come back later for a second try. The stent is making me pretty darn uncomfortable. Hopefully I get used to it I guess.

    2. zora*

      Darn, I’m sorry to hear that!! I had to wait some time before they could do my surgery, too, and it was frustrating. You might get used to the stent, but just try to give yourself a lot of time to rest and try to distract yourself from thinking about it. I listened to a lot of podcasts, but maybe movies, tv shows?

      I hope you can get your procedure soon, good luck!!

      1. DietCokeHead*

        Thank you! I have to have the stent in a minimum of two weeks before they try again but it also could be longer.

        I have tickets to an event in Kentucky at the end of April and I’m worried that this all will prevent me from going.

        Ugh, this all is really not enjoyable. I’ve definitely been doing a lot of dozing today and watching HGTV.

        1. zora*

          Lame, I’m sorry!!!
          I had tickets to an opera I was super excited about that I had to miss and I was so bummed!! I hope things go as fast as possible and you can make your event!

          The silver lining: my pain tolerance is WAYY up after my kidney thing, and just in general my patience with feeling crappy. I hurt my back and I was like “Shrug” I’ll be fine, this is no where CLOSE to that kidney pain! So, that’s kind of a bonus??? haha, not really but just trying to put a positive spin on it.

          1. DietCokeHead*

            Thanks, I’m going think positive that we can still make it down to Kentucky. I’m sorry you missed your opera.

            An improved pain tolerance…I guess that will be a plus at the end of all this. :) Plus I get to put my health insurance through its paces.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      I had a ureteral stent a few years ago. I feel for you! It was supposed to come out in 30 days, but my urologist ended up in the hospital, so it was in for five months. Getting it out was easy, though, and I am glad to be rid of it.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        Five months?!?! I think I would go crazy. Although I’m assuming a person eventually gets somewhat used to the stent.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          It didn’t bother me all the time, but let’s just say that every time I had to pee, there were problems. I guess putting in the stent opened up the urinary highway–I had a major problem with urgency that would leave me on my knees in the hallway outside of the bathroom because it hurt so much.

    4. Jenny Next*

      I’m sorry to read this!

      Did they give you that orange stuff (Azo)? That and ibuprofen helped me with irritation in a similar situation. (I had a prescription, but you can get it over the counter.)

      1. DietCokeHead*

        I’ve taken those orange pills before and when the doctor called today to follow up, I asked about trying them. He said it would be fine and actually called them in as a prescription for me, so that insurance would cover the cost. I’ll definitely be taking ibuprofen too, thank you for the advice!

    6. Fish girl*

      I might be too late for you to see this, but I needed a stent for about a month for the exact same issue (doc couldn’t get the stone out). And it was incredible painful for me every time I peed. What he didn’t tell me until much later (he wasn’t a great doctor) was that peeing more often was the solution. I was holding it for longer and longer, because the pain was so bad, it made me almost pass out. But once I started trying to pee, even a little, once an hour, the pain was much less.

    1. Can't Sit Still*

      It’s Bite Your Brother day here, too! Also Bop Your Brother and Hold Your Brother Down for Vigorous Grooming.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I’ve got the Submissive One is antsy and keeps trying to get the Dominant One to play, which ALWAYS results in the Dominant One swatting the Submissive One and hissing. Then the Human yells to cut it out. Note: Submissive One is 10, Dominant one is 18. Play time is rare.

      Next weekend its supposed to be 60. I fully intend on putting Submissive One outside. There’s a mole in the backyard she can hunt (and not find, she hasn’t figured out how to get them yet). I’ve already put her outside for a bit today, but it’s not really warm enough for her liking.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      It is in our house – girl kitty pulled Chomp on Your Brother’s Neck and His Boy Equipment while boy kitty retaliated this morning with Flatten Your Sister.

      Is it a full moon or something? All week we’ve been reprimanding biting and crankiness. Hopefully the four hours of outside time today helped the boredom a bit.

  17. kc89*

    I just read a wrinkle in time for the first time a couple of years ago

    I enjoyed it, I liked that it was a quick read, I think I read it in one sitting lol

    Didn’t care for the precocious little brother

    1. Aealias*

      Pretty sure no-one’s meant to like Charles Wallace. L’Engle often writes with sympathy for the oldest child! I vaguely recall that he eventually becomes not-awful in some of her latest books. Maybe when he’s Awesome Uncle to Meg’s kids?

  18. DoctorateStrange*

    I read Cuckoo’s Calling by Rowling. I enjoyed it. She is a fine fantasy writer but even back when she wrote solely HP, I could tell she had a marvelous knack for writing mysteries. Although the times I did cringe was when a character was a rapper and the other characters would recite his lyrics and…well, they’re rap lyrics written by JK Rowling, you can imagine how they sound.
    —
    Also, I just finished the second-to-last volume of Wet Moon. I am so sad to these comics almost finished. The body diversity was amazing, the representation of queer women and/or women of color, the gothic atmosphere, so beautiful.

    1. Fiennes*

      Personally I think the next two Cormoran Strike novels are even better! She defied my expectations in many ways with these books, most of them good—and I went in optimistic!

      1. Pharmgirl88*

        For some reason, I actually preferred the first one! The last two just seemed so much darker to me, especially the 3rd. Whereas the first seemed like a traditional mystery, and I guess I just prefer those. But apparently there’s a BBC show coming out sometime? I’m really excited for that!

        1. DoctorateStrange*

          Yes, I am excited for the BBC one although I feel like the Cormoran Strike in my head was a touch bulkier, rougher, and hairier, and all-around messier in my head than this on-screen version—of course, the actor seems like he will do a brilliant job, nonetheless.

        2. Delphine*

          It’s already out, they just wrapped the episodes for the third book a few weeks back.

            1. Jemima Bond*

              I saw them and really liked them fwiw! Really enjoyed all three books and sets of tv programmes.

        3. Delphine*

          Also, I think the reason you like the first most is the reason it was my least favorite (third is my most favorite)—it was traditional, but it also seemed a bit dated and derivative.

      2. DoctorateStrange*

        They certainly sound even more ambitious than the first one, so I look forward to those!

    3. Gertrude*

      Oh my gosh. How did I not connect that these were written by JK Rowling?? All this ebook reading means I only glance at titles before I download! I read all of them and actually really liked them. No wonder I’d get the sense of something vaguely familiar at times.

    4. miyeritari*

      Here is your hug! Hug!

      I hope things are better soon. Remember you are loved and cared about by other people.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      One more hug plus my dog volunteers to lean against your leg in a comforting gesture if you like leaning dogs.

    12. Hrovitnir*

      Another internet hug! You can have an annoying wiggly one from my dog too if you like. :D

  20. Engineering consultant*

    Has anyone bought a travel deal off Groupon/LivingSocial? If so, were you upcharged for anything that wasn’t explicitly spelled out ahead of time? How did you manage the double occupancy thing? Did you have to email the travel agency about the hotel rooms/who you’re traveling with? TIA if you can offer any advice!

    A friend and I are thinking of going to Europe for about a week later this year, around September. The deals generally include airfare and hotels, which is good, because I’m not fond of AirBnbs (had some questionable experiences with them in the last year or so). We’re in our early 30s with professional careers, and have done plenty of international travel in Asia.

  21. Ruth (UK)*

    So, I’ve got a half marathon next Sunday, which I have barely trained for at all. There may be a couple people here who might remember I trained for and ran a half marathon the same time last year (the same event). I trained quite properly for it, running 5 or 6 times a week for several months leading up to it, though had never done running before Jan that year (but was in fairly good shape overall), and finished in 2 hours and 1 minute.

    This year I have basically done no training apart from parkrun (5k) about once every other week. The last time I was ‘seriously’ running was probably about May last year.

    However, I’m still in fairly good shape overall. I ran 6 miles this morning which I think is probably sort of like ‘cramming’ the night before an exam when you realise you didn’t do any proper revising. It didn’t go well and I picked up a big blister in the arch of my foot, which I feel is especially bad luck as I don’t even normally get blisters from running.

    I guess I need to sort of relax about my time and accept I will be slower, and not burn myself out chasing a time I’m never going to achieve. I just want to finish, really. I’m a bit frustrated at myself at how poorly prepared I am, and over how badly I realise I am likely to do…

    Not to talk too much about work on the non-work thread, but I job-searched from last summer, and started a new job in December, and to be honest, this is one of the reasons my running has sort of fallen to the side.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      It sounds like your goal should be just to finish the race. There’s no shame in not being so well trained; life happens. But be realistic. It definitely does not sound advisable to have a time goal. If you’re in fairly good shape, adrenaline is likely to carry you through, especially if it’s a race with strong crowd support. But don’t be ashamed if you need to stop and walk – that (in my opinion) awful book about marathon running by Haruki Murakami has led a lot of people to believe that stopping indicates failure. In any case, good luck to you next week!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Basically, I’m well prepared physically to complete a long-distance event, but not necessarily by running. I have active hobbies multiple times a week, and cover around 70-80 miles per week in cycle commuting. I also not-uncommonly have days where I am on my feet all day with very little sitting down or resting.

        So, I do find it likely that I will finish. I don’t feel that stopping indicates failure, and feel it’s important to stop when necessary (eg. to avoid injury), but I know I’ll still feel rubbish if I end up having to stop. So I realise how careful I need to be to keep to a pace I’ll be able to maintain.

        I sort of feel like a failure to myself anyway, as I signed up to this event feeling enthusiastic and optimistic that I’d train to beat my previous time. I feel as though I’m already embarrassed by whatever result I’m going to get, and I don’t even know what it is yet.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Running a half or more is just as much mental prep as physical prep. Can you reframe (as noted above) your mental approach to this race? Maybe not heap so much angst about training and expectations, but go to have fun, enjoy the day, and get some exercise? You could be surprised!

    3. Grumpy*

      Do you have any idea how many of us are showing up at the starting line of spring halfs hopelessly under-trained this year?
      Don’t cram too hard, you’ll get injured which is no fun at all. Relax, have fun, high-five the kids, get the fun swag, and wave at the volunteers. And then plan to PR in the fall. What else can you do, really. But you’re not the only one, that’s for sure.

    4. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      First of all, good luck with your new Place We Don’t Talk About On Weekends! I can imagine that would be a little stressful.

      With the race – since you’re going for it, don’t kill yourself. Definitely take it slower (so don’t worry about breaking 2) and walk if you have to during the race. And don’t try to play catch-up with the training, since you’re not going to make it up in one week.

      Also, while I was about to say that doubling your long run was the cause of the blister…I’d also look into your shoes! Is that the first time that’s happened? (I mean, I’ve gotten a blister with shoes and socks I never had problems with before or since, so it might just be coincidence or something else entirely.)

      But basically, if you’re going to do it, take it easy and don’t chase a time. For this race, anyway.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        The blister is quite a new thing for me and came as a bit of a shock. I’m incredibly un-prone to them. I have never really picked up blisters before (including when I trained for and did the half marathon last year), and I also don’t tend to get them on my hands, even when I do things that might normally cause them (eg. wood chopping, gardening/digging etc). My shoes are wearing through quite badly though so I guess I need to decide whether to use them (despite knowing they’re in poor condition and gave me a blister) or wearing a new pair (that is not yet broken in) for the race next week…

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          REPLACE YOUR SHOES YESTERDAY. If they’re wearing badly, that means they’re already past the point they should be replaced. (The guideline is about 300-500 miles, or 500-800 km.) I’d do at least a couple of runs before the race, just to get used to them, but I would definitely recommend replacing your current as soon as possible.

          If you have any running stores local to you, I’d really suggest getting fitted if you haven’t already. Their suggestions aren’t always perfect (every salesperson I’ve seen suggests stability models and I tend to prefer lighter models), but it is usually useful input.

        2. CheeryO*

          Running shoes don’t really need much breaking in – I would absolutely buy a new pair now and do one or two short runs in them this week.

          And good luck! I’ve definitely been there. My last straw for deciding to take training more seriously was a really disappointing time in a half marathon a few years ago when I was slacking off. I’ve taken 20 minutes off my time since then and hope to cut off another five this spring.

  22. CatCat*

    I’ve been doing exercise videos for over a month and I love them. It’s called HASfit and they have a ton of free videos on their site and YouTube.

    Turns out I love doing strength training with weights. Stuff I’ve tried in the past has been really cardio-focused so I’m excited to discover the strength training options. I’ve been just been using 3 lb dumbbells or water bottles (about l lb each), but my strength has noticeably improved and now I’m going to get a couple 5 lb weights.

    I still do cardio, but the weights are my favorite and I think having those exercises in the mix have really improved my physical well-being.

    Almost everything is free. They have a few pay programs through their app, but everything on the site is free. They have a donation platform mainly and I donated so they can keep offering so many free videos. Highly recommend!

    1. C*

      For anyone else also looking for a good variety of training videos, I’ve found the Popsugar ones to be pretty great. They cover a lot of different workouts and are available for free through YouTube. They often feature celeb trainers which I don’t really follow but the workouts are tough and it’s a good way to get a good variety or check out what you like if you’re beginning to workout.

    2. annakarina1*

      I do Hasfit too! It has been really great for building strength, especially doing moves that work multiple body parts at once instead of being too stationery, and I like that the Kozaks are fantastic at encouraging a supportive attitude, they get tired doing the workouts too, and they seem like nice and easygoing people. Their cardio workout really pushed me a lot, especially with the random burpee sets!

    3. cat socks*

      Thanks for the recommendation! I use videos from Fitness Blender and Popsugar Fitness, so I like having something new to check out.

    4. ajaner*

      Have you found any yoga or core training videos you like?

      Or has anyone?

      I really need to build up some strength before I launch into cardio and more vigorous kinds of exercise. There are lots of great yoga studios and even cheap classes on campus, but my schedule doesn’t align with most of the classes unfortunately.
      And I’m so out of shape I’d rather do the base work on my own, haha!

      1. CatCat*

        HASfit has beginner abs and back workout routines that should help build core strength.

        Yoga With Adriene on YouTube is great for yoga! Highly recommend.

        2. SouthernLadybug*

          I second the Yoga with Adrienne suggestion. I started based on a suggestion from another open bread whenshe was doing the TRUE series.

      2. Jax*

        I second Adriene and also Tara Stiles. I do her beginner yoga core and it is a challenge but definitely doable. I haven’t tried any of her intermediate or advanced core yet. I also take core at a studio so I use Tara’s videos once or twice a week only.

    5. ajaner*

      All of these recommendations from the three of you are very helpful to me, thank you!!!

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Oh, cool, I’ve been meaning to get into some strength training. I have to be careful because of a rotator cuff issue, but I’ll check these out. Thanks!

    7. Roja*

      I’ll have to check out the HASfit suggestion; I get bored easily and can always use more workout videos! It’s been about three years now since I started lifting weights on and off… I started barely being able to lift 5lb, and now I can do 15 and 20. I’m used to setting physical goals, but weight lifting has been satisfying like nothing else. My upper body has always been my weakest part, so it’s super exciting to be able to do things like lift heavy bags easier and stuff. Have fun… it’s such a great process!

    1. Reba*

      I was so passionate about all those books growing up!

      I reread Wrinkle in Time in preparation to see the new movie — did you catch it?

      It was…not that great, but I was prepared for that and was still charmed by parts of it. I thought the young actors did so well, which is fitting, since it’s a story about how the adults can’t save you.

      1. ThatLibraryChick*

        Many Waters is my favorite of the whole series! It’s actually one of my top favorite books of all time and thus it makes me really sad

        *SPOILERS*

        *SPOILERS*

        *SPOILERS*

        that Sandy and Dennys are not in the new movie at all.

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, I understand why they wrote out the twins for simplicity’s sake. I guess it’s also an admission that further films are not planned :)

          But I don’t agree with rewriting mama Murray as co-author, rather than different field (Victoria, Please’s comment below). I mean, again for simplicity, sure, but also Gugu Mbatha-Raw is like criminally underused in everything I’ve seen her in!

      2. Victoria, Please*

        I did see it, thought it was a gallant effort. I wished she had stayed more true to the ladies’ characters, that was the problem for me. Also Dr. Mrs. Murray was not her husband’s physics sidekick ITB (in the book), she was a microbiologist! I was kind of surprised at that mistake.

    2. Al Lo*

      I’m re-reading my L’Engle library right now. I’ve finished the Time Quintet/Murry/O’Keefe books, and am working through the Austin family books. I love Wrinkle, but it’s lower on my list of L’Engle faves; I’m such a fan of some of her adult fiction and theological musings.

    3. Kj*

      I think Wind in the Door is the best of the series. Although I retain my love for An Acceptable Time as well. I had forgotten how religious the books are though. They weren’t unreadable because of that, but it was weird at points too.

      1. Birch*

        I had this exact reaction. I just reread them all, remembering that Many Waters was my favorite. But wooooowwww are the religious overtones heavy. And not in a ‘here’s a book where the CHARACTERS believe in this stuff’ way, but as if it’s just truth. Really gave me a weird feeling.

    4. zora*

      I loved that series and reread it a couple of years ago and still thought it was wonderful.
      I have been OBSESSED about the movie coming out for months, because of Ava DuVernay and the casting and I loved everything about it!!

      My boyfriend thought the story was weak and thought it was too slow, but I didn’t care at all. I would have LOVED this movie when I was a kid, the young girl hero, the visuals, the Mrs’s and their costumes. I would have watched it over and over.

      And now I want to go back and read the whole series again! ;)

      1. Reba*

        I didn’t think it was slow, although I agree the pacing was a bit off. I felt like a lot of things happened too rapidly, but then we spend like half an hour watching a character turn into a leaf, why???

        I watched on IMAX which was worth it for the effects.

        I cried. The overall message really came through and was beautiful.

        1. zora*

          I cried all of the tears. But I am a sucker, I cry at everything. I am so happy they made this movie, I will definitely watch it again.

          1. The New Wanderer*

            I haven’t seen it yet, but I cried when I saw the first trailer. I knew what movie it was almost immediately (the ball bouncing scene) and I didn’t even know they were making it. I had a friend who passed away a year ago and she would have loved to see it, so that made it extra emotional.

    5. Kathenus*

      Big L’Engle fan, and A Wrinkle in Time is still one of my top two favorite books of all time. I read the not-so-great movie reviews before seeing it, so think my expectation was tamped down which ended up being a good thing. It exceeded the lower expectations I had and I was able to really enjoy it, more I think. What was there I mostly thought was pretty well done, I just wish more had been included and not mashed together at times just to put things in without giving them their due. But overall, a very enjoyable movie experience. And definitely has me interested in re-reading all of my L’Engle books.

    6. Emily*

      As a kid I liked all of them but remember especially appreciating Many Waters; now I think my favorites are A Wrinkle in Time and A Wind in the Door (which feel the most tonally similar to me).

      I read A Swiftly Tilting Planet, but at least at the time didn’t like it as much as the others – I think maybe I preferred the protagonists as kids? It would be interesting to do a reread now, though – aside from A Wrinkle in Time, which I read a bunch because I actually owned a copy, I don’t think I’ve touched the other books in years.

  24. Jen RO*

    Any recommendations for something to do in Paris tomorrow morning? I’ve seen most of the touristy stuff already and I’m looking for something to fill a couple of hours. I am staying close to Gare du Nord and I probably have to be back at my hotel around noon to catch the train to the airport.

    1. caledonia*

      Well, if the marathon is in the morning, go cheer on some runners? (My former manager is running it for a co-worker)

      Shakespeare and Company (bookshop/cafe) is usually my go see in Paris.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Hit up Shakespeare & Co. (if it’s open), then find a cafe and watch some people. I haven’t been to Paris in a reallllly long time, but it’s an ideal place for sitting outside with a coffee and something indulgent while you take it all in.

        1. caledonia*

          well, now Shakespeare and Co have a cafe so no need to go elsewhere for that people watching :)

        2. Jen RO*

          I’ve been to Shakespeare and Co a couple of times now, but the last time it was just too crowded for my taste.

    2. Chocolate Teapot*

      Will you have time for a museum? Rodin? Cluny? Carnavallet?

      Or just sit in one of the cafes with a Cafe-Noisette until it’s time to go to the airport? Galeries Lafayette is open on a Sunday but not until 11.00am and I am not sure about Printemps (but would guess it is the same)

      2. Jen RO*

        I had a coffee (plus associated breakfast) for just 7 EUR at a cafe next to Gare d’Austerlitz and it was lovely, despite the less-than-impressive view. It had the distinct advantage of being deserted, and after 3 intense days at work it was perfect for my introverted self.

    3. Reba*

      You could go by the African market in Chateau Rouge for a look-around. From Gare du Nord area you can walk there. I’d do an early morning to Sacre Coeur to try to avoid crowds (if you haven’t already visited) then stroll back down through CR and Goutte D’or neighborhoods. There is a pretty good Senegalese restaurant, Le Dibi, and a several north African bakery type places including le Rose de Tunis.

      Other ideas: a walk along the canals or a canal boat ride
      OR
      a visit to Jardin des Plantes complemented by a tea and snack in the courtyard of the Grand Mosque. They also have guided tours.

      1. Jen RO*

        Thank you! I ended up visiting the Jardin des Plantes and the Mosque and had a great morning :)

        1. Jen RO*

          Oh, and I will remember the African restaurants for next time I am in Paris. I had something absolutely delicious at a Tunisian (?) restaurant years ago and I am still pissed off that I can’t remember what it was!

    4. Lily Evans*

      Have you been to Montmartre at all yet? It was my favorite neighborhood when I visited. There are some great places for photos around the Place Dalida with great views of Sacre Coeur. If the weather’s nice there’s some cafes with great patio areas for people watching around there too.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I also loved Monmartre. It’s so cool and has a great vibe.

        I would recommend the Tour de Montparnasse, if you haven’t seen it yet. Higher and cheaper than the Eiffel Tower.

        1. Jen RO*

          I’ve been to Montmartre several times. I got close to the Tour Montparnasse (I had to take a train from Montparnasse station), but I didn’t have time to go up. Maybe next time!

    5. annakarina1*

      Belleville is a nice area, very big and culturally diverse.

      When I visited two years ago, my favorite areas were Montmartre, the Marais, and Belleville. There is also a famous Jewish and Arabic neighborhood with great food, but I forget its name.

      The Cinematheque Francaise museum was cool to visit, if you’re into film history.

      2. Jen RO*

        I’d never heard of Belleville, but it does look cool! It’s going on the list for next time.

    6. Candy*

      OMG I can’t imagine needing recommendations for things to do Paris. I was there for six months and never once ran out of things to do. I think I would need at least two years before that happened. But I can also happily waste an entire day just sitting in a cafe watching people…

      Have you been to the antique markets at Porte de Clignancourt yet? It’s not far from Gare du Nord.

      1. Reba*

        I mean, I think the reason Jen RO is asking is because there *is* so much to choose from…
        but then again not that much open on a Sunday morning!

        Clignancourt is indeed cool.

      2. Jen RO*

        Well, I know there are a lot of things to see, but I’ve been to Paris 5-6 times already and have seen all the super-famous ones (except the museums, because I’m not really into art). I was looking for some of the lesser-known sights… and trying to avoid 2 hours of searching on TripAdvisor. It worked out great in the end, Jardin des Plantes was gorgeous, the weather was perfect and I managed to get there before it got crowded. The mosque was an added bonus – it’s in Andalusian style, which I looooove.

    7. Kathenus*

      You may have already done it, but the short boat trip on the Seine I took when I was there years back was one of my favorites.

      1. Jen RO*

        I’ve already done it and I was considering going again, but I ended up going to dinner with a coworker.

    8. Jen RO*

      Thank you all for the recommendations!

      And I will add mine as well: I went on a great bike tour with Bike About Tours. We avoided most of the crowded areas, it wasn’t tiring, the bikes worked well, the guide was great and the price was reasonable (39 EUR). It was my first bike tour but I will now be on the lookout for them in other cities as well!

  25. Sled dog mama*

    Best Saturday ever! The older of my younger brothers is getting married this afternoon and my daughter is the flower girl and is behaving beautifully. I just spent an hour holding my sleeping baby nephew (other brothers kid).

  26. Be the Change*

    Is there such a person as, like, an advocate you can hire if you are having health problems and getting short shrift from the “system”? I have a friend who is going to have permanent nerve damage if he doesn’t get some care soon, and the docs are Not Calling Back. He’s also a terrible self advocate, stubborn and prideful AF, and terrified…he’s a musician and could lose the use of his hand!

    1. WellRed*

      Is he using some sort of hospital or health system? They often have social workers though I suppose there could be a waiting list. Maybe also google patient health advocate. Finally, if there isn’t someone professional to hire, does he have a smart, unafraid friend to help?

    2. Ann Nonymous*

      Yes, there are such people. I’m not entirely sure how to find them, but Google terms like Medical or Health Advocate and your city or zip and see what comes up. You could also ask at local hospitals or medical centers. Find local or online patient groups for whatever the medical issue is and they’d likely know as well.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I assume by your remarks he has some sort of cervical radiculopathy and he’s looking for a decompressive neck surgery like an ACDF?

      First step, he’s likely to get more aggressive attention from an orthopedist than a primary care provider. So if he needs surgery, he should work on getting a referral (if needed) and an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon.

      You don’t mention if he has insurance or if he has “bad” insurance like Medicaid so that could be hindering his access. If you live near a teaching hospital (like associated with a university or medical school), he’s more likely to be able to get an appointment with them than a private practice. Most places have phone numbers for new patient registration where you talk to a patient care coordinator and get a medical record number that you have to do first. Should be on their website. Then he can ask them to transfer him for a new patient appointment with an orthopedist.

      You weren’t too explicit about where the difficulty he’s having is so hope that helps.

    5. AJ*

      If your friend belongs to a church, most churches have a “parish nurse” that can help with communicating to the medical System.

    6. Be the Change*

      Is there someone who can help him get into the system?

      Once he’s a patient, he’ll get an advocate. He’s apparently having a hard time becoming a patient.

      His pcp did refer him to a surgeon; waiting for the surgeon to call and start the process is where he’s at, and not getting the call. IMO he should call that office every damn day until he gets an answer – I’m wondering if there’s an official person who can help with that.

      I’m 3000 miles away. And like I said, he’s stubborn and prideful, if something he needs isn’t offered, he won’t ask again.

      If he can’t play music, he will die. That’s the equation. If he can’t play because a surgeon’s office dragged their feet calling back…

      1. misspiggy*

        At this point you’re looking at calling for him, if you can get his permission to do so; or alerting his closest family (assuming you’ve tried telling him he needs to call every day).

      2. Natalie*

        When my husband was scheduling a surgery there was a care coordinator who was in charge of getting everything scheduled – insurance preapproval, anesthesia, etc. Do they have something like that and is that who he’s calling?

    7. ..Kat..*

      Does his insurance offer case workers? These are often nurses who navigate patients through the health care system.

    8. Lindsay J*

      Yes there are.

      When I worked at a speech pathology office, one of the parents had one who dealt with the insurance nonsense. She worked with us to find out what codes we were billing and why, and worked with the insurance to ensure that they were covered. She did other stuff with other doctors and professionals as well – I’m not sure the entire scope of her job.

      She was just called a patient advocate or a client advocate. She was hired privately by the family, not assigned through a health system or publicly.

  27. Not posting under my usual &*

    YOU GUYS.
    I mentioned last week that the ex has a new girlfriend and that he was introducing her to Small Child this week.

    WELL. For various reasons I didn’t put up any objections to him introducing her as a friend, and they met on Monday. Small Child seems to like her and her own Slightly Older Child.

    On Wednesday night, when the ex was looking after Small Child, the girlfriend STAYED OVER WITH THEM.

    I only know because Small Child disregarded the instruction not to mention it to me and told me anyway on the phone that she stayed “in daddy’s bed!!!!”.

    I cannot believe that I need to explicitly say ‘no sleepovers when Small Child is present’ but apparently I do, and have now said so. I have requested a return to mediation to hash out the details so it’s all explicit for the future.

    I was furious but now I’m mostly incredulous. He’s kept saying all along that SC is his main and only priority. This is pretty good proof that that’s not the case, because how is having his girlfriend sleep over in SC’s best interests? It’s really, really not.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is the worst part, for me. How will Not Posting underMy Usual be able to trust someone who tells their child to withhold information? One parent should not be asking their child to keep secrets from the other parent.

        Not Posting: I’m totally with you.

        1. Not posting under my usual &*

          I cannot say how glad I am that SC was able to tell me. Ex knows he said; he was there when we were talking on the phone. I said to him that neither of us should be asking him to keep any secrets. I mean, seriously, if you need to ask your kid to keep something a secret and it’s not, say, a surprise birthday party, MAYBE DON’T DO WHATEVER IT IS.

          1. Yetanotherjennifer*

            Ugh! I’m sorry! The only positive, is this is a great teachable moment. I remember telling my child at this age (meaning the age where they lack the ability to keep secrets) about the difference between secrets and surprises and that it’s ok to not tell about a surprise when the reveal is coming soon and the recipient will be happy, but secrets should always be reported.

          3. Parenthetically*

            Phew, so glad SC told you!!

            I think the conversation about “surprises” (we’ll tell the person eventually and they will be happy and excited) vs. “secrets” (we won’t tell the person because we think they would be angry, sad, or upset) is such an important one for about a million reasons, but this is definitely one of them. “We don’t keep secrets in our family, and if anyone asks you to keep something secret from me, no matter what, it’s important that you tell me right away.”

    2. Elkay*

      Because he doesn’t want the work of actually looking after his child. He wants to be able to say “Oh SC loves girlfriend” to justify her always being around. I’d bet she’s the one who gets up if SC needs anything in the night.

      1. not posting under my usual &*

        I really hope not but I suspect that might be true in future at least. *shudder* The kid should be able to know their own parent is the one taking care of them.

    3. Ann Nonymous*

      Does it really matter if gf stays over? You really can’t control your ex, so letting lots of extremely irritating things go will give you peace.

      1. not posting under my usual &*

        I don’t give a shit personally but where it interacts with the best interests of Small Child, it absolutely does matter to me and is my business. He can do whatever the hell he wants 5 nights a week when SC isn’t there. But seeing as she’s only been introduced as a ‘friend’, and SC has been very upset about the whole situation, letting a girlfriend sleep over *in the same bed as Ex* is absolutely not in the child’s best interests. For the record, if she’d slept on the sofa, I would have been unhappy about it but at least that would preserve the illusion that they are ‘just friends’. He’s a small child, he’s not stupid.

        I have however moved from absolutely furious about it to amused incredulity…. now he’s agreed to no more sleepovers until we’ve had a chance to discuss new relationships in mediation.

        1. Not sure*

          I totally agree that it was unacceptable for your ex to ask your child to lie, and you were right to call him out on it.

          However, I’m confused as to why you want your child to believe this person is just a friend. Isn’t that just keeping another secret from your child? Like you said, child is smart and not likely to be fooled for very long, even if they tried to keep it under wraps.

          I’m trying to say this in the least snarky way possible, but there’s an irony in the fact that you’re mad at your spouse for a secret, yet you want him to keep an even bigger secret from your child.

          1. Not posting under my usual &*

            Fair point. I’ll have a think about that.

            It’s partly because I think the small child will be absolutely gutted. But yeah, something else we need to discuss in mediation.

            1. Not sure*

              I appreciate you taking this is the manner in which I intended it. Good luck! You sound like a caring, thoughtful parent.

              1. Not posting under my usual &*

                I think it’s partly about age appropriateness. If SC was a baby or toddler it would royally piss me off but they wouldn’t understand. The age SC is right now is old enough to put things together and young enough to be devastated. For a girl the ex has been seeing only 6 weeks, it seems rather soon to tell SC. I only left at the end of October. It’s all still very fresh.

          2. PNWflowers*

            It’s really common to have some ground rules in introducing “parental figures” to small children, it can be incredibly damaging to small children to have a revolving door of “parent #3”. There’s a difference between asking a child to lie about who’s sleeping in the house, as opposed to asking an adult to exercise discretion in how they introduce a third party into the family. I have a family member who moves his current girlfriend into his house within months of dating, it’s all “our family!!” Until they break up (ALWAYS within a year) and the cycle repeats within weeks. His poor kid has had at least 10 mom figures. That’s really hard on children.
            Mom is well within her rights and (common sense!) to ask dad to be discrete. I’m honestly horrified she’s getting any pushback on this at all. Non-related partners can be huge threats to children (don’t even come at me with “not all stepparents”, I’m aware). Maintaining some distance when he only has the child 2 nights a week is a safety measure for the child’s emotional and physical well-being, and shouldn’t be that difficult for dad to adhere too.

              1. PNWflowers*

                Yeah, 6 weeks is nothing. And it’s the first relationship post split? The odds of it going the distance are… low. His priority needs to be on his son, and you’re well within your rights to have that be a mediated element of your co-parenting agreement.

      2. Not posting under my usual &*

        For context, it’s only a relatively new split. If we had split up, say, over a year ago and he was moving slowly through the stages of introducing SC to GF over a few months and only having a sleepover while SC is there once SC had known her a while and knew she was a girlfriend not just a friend-friend, that wouldn’t be raising alarms in this way.

    4. Triplestep*

      I raised two children with a co-parent who made stupid choices like this, and continues to (even though our kids are grown.)

      I know this seems like a long way off, but Small Child will eventually figure it all out as he grows to be a teen and adult. He already is. (He knew it was weird that this lady he barely knows slept over, and he knew it was weird that she was in daddy’s bed, and he knew it was wrong that he was asked to keep it a secret.) I know you don’t want him put in that position, so keep on doing what you’re doing – address the issues with the ex, and go back to mediation.

      But also keep in the back of your mind that you are providing stability to your son, and this WILL influence how he “turns out”. My kids have a relationship with their dad, but they call him out when they see something questionable. Like recently when my son realized that Dad’s GF’s teen daughter was staying at his house when her mom did, sleeping on the couch while her mom was sleeping in dad’s bed. (As I said, still makes poor choices.)

      1. Not posting under my usual &*

        Thank you. That really helps. I’m doing the best I can to be a grown up about it and remember that my job is to make good choices.

        But holy smokes, it was SO HARD not to react when SC told me on the phone. I don’t *think* SC picked up that I was furious that their dad would put them in this position but it was hard not to ask to talk to my ex immediately and scream WHAT THE MERRY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!

        Also good to know that my ex isn’t the only one out there making bad choices. I mean, not *good*, but nice to know I’m not the only one dealing with this! I’m so glad to hear your kids can call out his bad choices.

        1. Triplestep*

          It’s really hard, and it’s harder for you because you than it was for me because you have social media and e-mail and the ability to text. I started this process in 1999, when I had e-mail, but ex did not, and I carried a pager! :-). If I was going through this now, I’d have to physically sit on my hands so as not to type scathing e-mail or text and hitting “send” before I could talk myself down.

          Unfortunately, there are tons of parents making really poor choices – and you intimately know two (the GF as well). Take all the support you can from friends who acknowledge you’re making good choices, and try to find some support in other places if you can. It’s really easy to find other people who just want to bash their exes and yours (and why not? sometimes they deserve it) but try to find some positive support for what YOU do rather than only gut checks that he is behaving poorly. I don’t know if that comes in the form of online forums, IRL parenting groups, or what. But it’s probably out there – there are so many parents in your position – so try to find it.

          1. Not posting under my usual &*

            Just this past few days I’ve met a couple of other single parents locally which really helps. Before that I hadn’t really known any single parents so I’m having to figure out the path for myself. It’s hard!

            I am amazed and honestly touched by all the support I’ve found since I left. I felt like all my friends were at arm’s length before I left ex. I have much better friendships now.

      2. Erika22*

        As someone who was the child of divorce with this exact situation (primarily lived with mom, who, when the split was still fresh, forbade my dad to have his then gf/now wife around during our visits) I can say that the only thing those stipulations enforced were “mom and dad fight a lot about things that don’t seem to matter”. As an adult, of course I understand that those stipulations were more about my mom’s hurt and fear that we’d be “turned against her” and less that we, idk, needed protections from a random gf?

        And not saying at all that this will happen, but I will say that my relationship with both parents is …not great because they were so adversarial towards each other, and whenever they (mostly my mother) felt like we were defending the other or leaning towards the other parent more, they’d badmouth the other parent a lot. Your ex definitely shouldn’t be having your kid lie to you, but you should also be careful to not put your kid in a position to “tattle” and become involved in a mom vs dad mentality.

        Internet hugs because I know this is a difficult situation and you’re doing your best for yourself and your kid!

        1. Not posting under my usual &*

          Thanks for that, it’s useful perspective.

          I don’t *want* the new gf round my son but I’m not going to fight about it. I just don’t want her sleeping over when he’s looking after SC yet.

          The ex and I are very civil. Weirdly so. There has been no fighting since I left (and there wasn’t any fighting before, really) with the child around or not. SC has requested that at our weekend drop offs we have a cup of tea together and, while it’s not something I’d choose to do (and I’m sure ex wouldn’t choose it either) it’s not too bad and it clearly means the world to small child.

        2. Not posting under my usual &*

          And I never badmouth my ex in front of SC. I try to ensure SC knows he can talk normally about their dad in front of me. This week while he’s with me he’s going to make his dad a card for a life event, my idea but he’s really excited to do it.

          But I do veeeeery carefully try to explain about boundaries and how sometimes his dad says mean things and That’s Not Ok. Because I don’t want him to be subject to the emotional abuse I was without the tools to recognise it or the words to talk about it.

          It’s a hard line. And it’s made harder because I’m 100% sure that he and his family and friends talk shit about me when SC is round. But there’s no point in getting mad about the bits I can’t control, eh?

          (It was SO HARD not to react when SC said this. SO HARD. But I did it yay.)

    5. Persephone Mulberry*

      My kids are slightly older (almost 11 and almost 18) and I need to pick my battles with Ex, so who he introduces them to isn’t the hill I choose to die on. But I have to share this story. Once last summer I dropped The Kid off with Ex for the weekend, and for whatever reason, Ex decided it was important that I know that The Kid was having a sleepover that weekend with the kid of a friend of his, but no worries because he, Ex, would be there too. Yeaaahhh, literally everyone can see through the “kid sleepover” story that it’s just an excuse for you and your “friend” to hook up. Classy.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I think this is a great opening for you to start talking about relationships. How to pick people. How to define what type of a relationship he wants when he grows older. Go to the general concepts. If he circles back to Dad, then say, “Yes, X is true. Some people do X, too.” Then move back to “Generally speaking….”

      I was in my twenties and married and I worked with people who were 17. I got questions. “How do you know when to marry someone?” “How do I know when I am in love?” These people knew all about sex, they had no questions on that. Their questions were about love and marriage and we had some interesting conversations. This really made a big impression in my mind to listen more closely and not to be surprised about the nature of the question.

      I hope I can encourage you here that while this is a huge negative in the short run, it’s also a great opening to get some life lessons in. And most of this can be done without running down Dad by talking in general terms about relationships.

      It won’t be long and he will figure things out. It might blow your mind how on target he is. I am thinking of a person “Dad” who had serial girlfriends. His oldest children watched this parade. Once in a while there would be a new baby. Then girlfriend and baby would leave and someone else would come along. After several children, the oldest children reacted to the next baby announcement this way: “Dad, haven’t you figured out what causes that yet?”

      I think that one sentence captures everything about the way they felt about their dad.

      Time is on your side. In time SC’s lack of respect for his father will leak out. You can warn his father of this fact OR you can settle back and wait. Because it does come back around. These “kids” I am talking about here are now young adults with adult type responsibilities. They don’t see Dad much. At all. They do seek out the established adults who took care of them when they were children.

      1. Not posting under my usual &*

        I wish SC had a better father.

        I wish he had some self-awareness. I have thought a lot about what happened and what I could’ve done differently. I’m pretty sure he thinks everything was my fault and there’s literally nothing he could have done differently.

        But, hey, we are where we are, and yes , I’m all in favour of using this as a springboard for age-appropriate conversations about relationships in the future.

        Thank you as ever NSNR.

        1. Espeon*

          “I wish SC had a better father.”

          Exactly how my mum has always felt. I just want to reassure you, like NSNR said, that time is with you here. My mum used to sit with her doctor crying for me (as in, her perception of what I was losing/that he wasn’t a good man etc) when my parents finally split up (she left him, twice), and the doctor told her not to worry, one day I would recognise the truth of him for myself – and I most certainly did.

          My maternal grandfather was a wonderful, gentle, loyal soul, so she felt something missing for me, from what she’d had – but I had my grandad too, and I didn’t know any differently regarding having a father of my own, I’ve never felt the loss like she imagines I must, it’s honestly more painful for her than me, still.

          The older I got the more apparent my father’s inherent awfulness became, I have him countless chances in my twenties (all failed, of course), then I got engaged at age 30 and he went into Selfish Delusional Misogynist Overdrive. I thought, “That’s it; my dreams are coming true and it’s still all about him, I’m starting a new phase in life and family of my own – it’s over for him” – I formally thanked him for making my choice easy, and cut him out of my life. Over the last decade he’s alienated half of his entire family also.

          I learned what a good relationship/marriage was from observing my grandparents, and I now have an adorable father in law.

          Tl;dr – Please don’t worry too much. Things always come right in the end.

    7. MRK*

      Yup, the two glaring things here are
      1. HE ASKED SMALL CHILD TO LIE. And not ohhhhh don’t let mommy know we had icecream for breakfast but trying to get the kid to hide something he (probably) knows was wrong.

      2. On one of two overnight stays he has with SC per week, it was more important to have his new girlfriend stay over. Even if she was nice and played with SC and they had a great time, that’s important time with dad for SC currently.

      My only offhand thought is, since it sounds like she also had a small child, does she have a similar custody agreement and Wednesday night is an “off” night for her? Since it sounds like SC didn’t indicate other child was there as well. Doesn’t excuse the situation but if it’s one of the only evenings/nights she has child free your ex may just be… a putz? and tried to work with it. However this would be something to discuss and sort out, not at all how he handled it.

      1. Not posting under my usual &*

        Yeah her child wasn’t there. That’s a really good point. Again something to discuss in mediation. If this is a regular thing and not just a change for the Easter hols, I’m actually more willing to give him a tiny bit more benefit of the doubt. A tiny bit.

    8. Observer*

      The others have mentioned that asking the child to lie about it is NOT ok.

      This is something you should REALLY, REALLY lean on. There is no excuse for asking a child to lie / keep secrets from the other parent. If these really is a risk to the child if the child “tells” then you need to get into court and make some changes that will stick.

      1. Observer*

        Just to be clear, I don’t think that it was ok to have NEW GF over, either, but even there, the lie makes it much worse because it proves he was acting in bad faith. It’s just that although you might be able to mitigate how inappropriate it was, asking the child to LIE is just inexcusable no matter how you contort yourself.

        1. Not posting under my usual &*

          I suspect that subconsciously ex was testing to see if he could get away with it, and SC has demonstrated no, he can’t.

          I told him that neither of us should be asking SC to lie. I will reinforce this in mediation but yeah, if it happens again, No More Ms Nice &.

  28. Nervous Accountant*

    Why is it next to impossible to find medium toothbrushes anymore? I’m at target and all I see are soft heads.

    2. fposte*

      I think it’s because most dentists don’t recommend them. Has yours? If this isn’t a dental recommendation, it might be an opportunity for you to try to adjust to a softer toothbrush in order to preserve your enamel better.

    4. Myrin*

      That’s the craziest coincidence because I happened to restock toothbrushes at my part-time job today and they were almost only medium. Like, really, there were some softs, very, very few hards (like two) and the whole rest of them were all medium. Yet another unexpected cultural difference?!

        1. Jules the First*

          Yes – cleaning grout in bathrooms and kitchens. :)
          Stick to soft for your teeth….

    5. Lcsa99*

      I have had better luck than usual at Duane Reede lately (Walgreens outside of ny), but yeah, it’s always been difficult. I usually just buy them on Amazon and pray I don’t hate the color

    6. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      If you are in the US, try Target or the Dollar Store for medium, though I think I usually only find them in the manual toothbrushes.

      For automatic toothbrushes, I’ve given up and ordered on Amazon.

      I don’t use soft toothbrushes anymore, and once I quit I was amazed at how I could only find “soft” or “very soft”. Annoying.

  29. Tris Prior*

    It is TWENTY FIVE degrees out right now. This is the worst spring ever. I want to garden this weekend but clearly that’s not possible.

    1. fposte*

      Yes, this is just weird. I have plants coming to go into the ground in two weeks. For all I know I’ll have to dig through snow.

    2. DietCokeHead*

      It’s only in the 20s here too and it snowed this week! The saying is April showers bring May flowers, not April snow brings sadness. I also can’t wait to get started on the gardening but that’s not looking promising anytime soon.

      1. Tris Prior*

        We got snow here too! It didn’t stay around long, but I should not have to be navigating icy sidewalks to get to the train in the morning in APRIL.

        Our growing season is so short as it is. :(

    3. Fiona*

      Almost commented that 25 degrees seemed like the perfect weather for gardening, but then realised you mean Fahrenheit and had to do a conversion and…yikes!

      (Winter here has been ridiculously long too, but at least we’re moving into double-digits (degree C) this past week…)

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Ugh so jealous. It’s -9 here now, hopefully +3 on Monday, but more snow for three days next week. I am DONE with winter.

    4. Dopameanie*

      Agreed!! I have sets to plant but I never thought I’d need snow boots on to do it!

      Awful.

    5. Epsilon Delta*

      I’m in Wisconsin. This is the way every spring is for us. Actually this one has been quite mild, we only got snow once so far and it is mostly melted.

      We go straight from winter to summer. I laugh when people try to lump us in with “places that have four seasons”.

    6. Former Employee*

      I’m in SoCal and it’s in the lower 70’s today. Forecast is for upper 70’s tomorrow and 90 on Monday – yikes!

      Lately, we have had a number of predictions for spikes that have not come to be, so maybe the Monday one will be off, too. By Tuesday, it’s supposed to be down to the mid 80’s and by Wed, the mid 70’s.

      It’s like that here when we are transitioning between our winter weather and summer.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I am so pissed–I need to have a garage sale soon and I can’t even spend any length of time in the garage sorting stuff because it’s freezing. And no one would show up anyway in the rain and/or snow.

    8. chi type*

      This is my least favorite time of year. The eternal recurrence of winter interspersed with sinus headaches from allergies.

  30. Sylvan*

    Thoughts on dating people who are in open relationships?

    It doesn’t seem like a big deal in theory, because I’ve known people in open relationships (and poly people) for a pretty long time and it’s not really a new or crazy idea, but I don’t know. I’ve never actually done it before.

    2. Not So Little My*

      I’m assuming you mean they are in a primary LTR or are married. Consider it a FWB arrangement and, if you grow to like them as a friend, scale back the intimacy to friends-only if you find yourself catching feelings. This worked for me and I’m still good friends with the person 15 years later.

    3. Melody Pond*

      My suggestion: be really clear about what it is you’re hoping to get out of dating said poly person, and ask the poly person to be very clear about what they will be able to provide you, versus what they will be limited on, due to obligations to their other partners. Sit down and think this out/write it out for yourself ahead of time, before talking about it.

      Of course the specifics will depend upon this particular poly person and how they do non-monogamy – but generally speaking, I’d say if you’re comfortable openly discussing your feelings/expectations about poly person’s other partners/activities, and if this poly person is also good at open discussion of feelings/desires/expectations/negotiations, there’s a good chance it will work out. Just take it very slow and don’t sweep anything under the rug.

    4. regular commenter in an open relationship*

      I have been in an open relationship for about 9 years (not always open). I would say you very much need to figure out what you want this relationship to be to you, where you’d fit in their life/where you want to fit into a serious partners life, what else is going on in your life/what else is going on with their life and how are you going to say no if something doesn’t work for you.
      I personally do hierarchical relationships-my husband gets more priority and importance than boyfriends and they get more than short term flings. And I expect the same from partners. Some people find that absolutely unfair-they don’t think there should ever be hard limits that they will run into set from a relationship they aren’t in. They aren’t morally wrong, but they aren’t compatible with me. The most off the rails I see poly go is when either one person doesn’t really want poly but does it because they have to if they are going to be with the other person, and when a person feels like they can’t say no in a significant relationship. I have also seen some really really toxic crap about jealousy from the poly community-the idea jealousy is only one person’s problem and not something that anyone else in the relationship needs to deal with is absolute bunk and used for so much abuse and needs to die in a fire.
      I personally haven’t seen a lot of good experiences with one person being poly/open the other not unless there is some other extenuating circumstance that takes up a lot of mono person’s time and energy-but some people swear it works. I wouldn’t do that set up unless I was only looking for a pretty casual relationship(and if that’s your goal, that’s fine).

    5. Lissa*

      Depends on what you want in the relationship, I think. If you’re looking for something short term or casual it can work really well. Beyond that, well, there’s a lot more negotiating that needs to happen in my experience, some of the posters above illustrated this well. If you’re the sort of person who will want the relationship to escalate in seriousness and you will become the priority, well, that can cause a lot of hurt feelings. Again in my experience, the third person coming in is often the emotional loser when things get messy. Not always, but often.

    6. LCL*

      Make sure they truly have an open relationship. There’s a lot of people that claim to have open relationships but their partner never agreed to it.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Right. That would be the main concern for me. Do they really have a consensually open relationship?

        If they do, I say do what you feel like doing. If you like the person, get to know them as a friend, take things slowly, and do what you feel comfortable with. It’s a new type of relationship set-up so act as though it’s your first time dating someone – one step at a time, open communication, all of that good stuff.

        1. Sylvan*

          They definitely do.

          I’m just kind of reading advice and not making a decision at the moment, but I think this is a good plan.

  31. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I’m moving back to my own place soon (yay!) and I really want a cat.

    I’ve never had one before. I’m out in the office three days a week, WFH two days and weekends in and out. I have a small child in the 5-8 age range who is mostly with me.

    I don’t know anything about looking after them really. What do I need to consider to decide whether this is a good idea or not? I’m probably thinking of getting a teenaged or older cat from the local shelter.

    I also want a dog, but I don’t think I’m in a position to look after one right now.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. SineNomine*

      My only real recommendation here is that if you get a cat, get two cats! Two isn’t really a much larger imposition than one, and it means they always have each other to interact with in times where you are away or don’t feel like feeding them attention (Note: They will steal that attention anyway, they are cats).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you are away from home over night, you may want to have a plan for your cat. If you get a dog, you have to have a plan.

      That would be my starting point for looking at this, how many nights a year are you away from home?

      The next thing I would look at is where I live. Renting can be hard with animals, it can limit your choices. If you have your own home it’s much easier.

      Animals can surprise us with big bills. Does your budget have wiggle room for say, a $300 vet bill?

      These are the things I would look at first. Here’s why. If you are stressed about the animal then it could pick up on your stress. This is going to make the relationship less enjoyable for the two of you. This is my go-to, make sure you have a solid foundation first before bringing the pet home.

    3. Kj*

      A cat will be fine being left along for 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. Older cats will do better with it. You need a place for a litter box and food and water, but cats are really easy. Some cats want affection, some don’t. The shelter should be able to direct you to a cat that suits you. I do recommend getting 2 cats if you are getting youngish cats. We got a pair of year old cats from the shelter and they are happier because they are together and bonded and we are happier because they keep each other in shape.

    4. Best Cat in the World*

      I got a cat from a local shelter nearly a year ago and she is fantastic. She was 3 and a half and is more than happy to be left for the length of my shifts, 13+ hours some days. As long as she’s got plenty food and water, she’s been fine left once or twice for 24 hours if I’ve been away overnight but she goes in a cattery if it’s longer than that. She is such a happy little soul and so perfect.

      Without wanting to cause you any concern, if I remember from a long while ago, I’m possibly in the same general area of the UK as you (I usually use a different name to post) and I went to several different shelters and had a terrible experience at one and a fantastic experience at the second. I’ve attached an email address to this, I don’t know if it’s possible but if you’d like it to see if I can be of use with recommending cat stuff and Alison can pass the email on to you, I’m more than happy for her to. If you not then good luck with getting a cat (and everything else) and I’ll see if I can think of any more generic cat advice for you :)

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Ooh thank you! I will email Alison and see if she can put us in touch :)

    5. Natalie*

      Plenty of cats are very low key and perfectly happy sleeping and birdwatching most of the day. Ours doesn’t even really like toys, she mainly likes to watch birds and squirrels out the window and (I assume) craft elaborate murder plans. Her second favorite activity is sitting perfectly still on someone’s lap.

      A good shelter/rescue should help you pick a cat with the temperament and energy level that best matches your lifestyle.

    7. Emilie*

      I got my cat second hand when she was around a year old (she’s 7 now). She does fine with being alone during the day, and we’ve left her alone for up to 48 hours without problems (but wouldn’t leave her for more than that). Having a cat doesn’t really impact my life, besides all the lovely things she adds to it.
      Cats are of course very different, but my personal experience is that it’s easier for me to take care of my cat, than some of the plants in my appartment.

    8. Vet-in-training (lots of training)*

      You sound like a totally conscientious and awesome potential pet owner which is great! And interested in teenage and older cats which is super great! Cats are the best and it’s worth taking your time with them and getting to know their personality and giving them lots of time to come out of their shell and learn to love you. They are all really different and wonderful in their own ways :)

      I would actually be wary of getting more than one cat UNLESS they are already bonded or you’re prepared to have two separate animal clans in your house (with ideally separate feeding and pooping areas). An awesome animal behaviouralist was telling me how a lot of people think they have say, three cats, but when you pay attention to their interactions you’ll find they’ve got one cat and two bonded cats, or one cat and one cat and one cat, each needing their own space in the house. That’s not to say multiple cats can’t be great (I think everyone should have as many cats as they can fit in a house).

      And agreed on the shelter thing – I hope Best Cat in the World has good tips on a local place because I’ve found UK shelters can be really tough to adopt from, for dogs or cats. They often require all cats to have access to the outside world, which I personally think is something that should be considered on a case by case basis.

      As mentioned, keep in mind that vet bills pop up and are really necessary. You’ll need vaccines and checkups and probably a dental at some point when they’re older. They may end up developing a condition that requires medication at some point which in many cases can be given pretty simply via food. These are all just parts that come with having an awesome furry companion. Pet insurance may be worth it in some cases especially if you get them young but that can really vary – the best advice I’ve heard was to calculate how much your pet insurance would cost and then put that money into a bank account every month as a medical fund for kitty.

      And food! If you’re in the UK (or even if you’re not) you can check out the Pet Food Manufacturing Association’s website which is not biased towards any one company and has great information on pet food. For cats, just please don’t make them vegan and don’t freak out too much about carbs/grains, as long as they’re not obese you’re mostly fine with any complete pet food.

      Key points: Cats are the best. You should get all of them. But actually maybe only one.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        All of the advice I’ve got here is useful but this particularly so :) thank you so much!

  32. WellRed*

    Is Denver a good place to visit for a long weekend with a friend? Might be a stupid question, but we can get super cheap flights, just not familiar with the city, how people get around, etc. (East coaster, here).

    1. CatCat*

      Yes!! I went to Denver for the first time last year and I loved it. The art museum is ammmmmaaaazzzing. One of the best I’ve ever been to. There’s also a wonderful natural history museum. I was solo and had a great time. Good place for geocaching too if you’re into that.

    2. DietCokeHead*

      I think it would be! I spent part of a day in Denver once and visited the mint, where they make coins. That was really interesting.

    3. Lore*

      Denver itself is weirdly far from its airport. They may have opened a train line since I was there (it was under construction at the time). Once you’re in the city, I found it pretty tourist friendly. There’s a (I think free?) bus/trolley downtown and definitely transit routes throughout the city. We also walked a lot. It was beautiful!

    4. Max Kitty*

      You can take a train from the airport to downtown. If you want to stay downtown, there’s lots of bars and restaurants, and you’ll be close to the Colorado Capitol, Coors Field (baseball), Pepsi Center (hockey and basketball), Denver Center for Performing Arts, Denver Art Museum, Clyfford Still Museum, History Colorado, Museum of Contemporary Art, U.S. Mint, Downtown Aquarium, and the Molly Brown House.

      There’s a free bus shuttle along 16th Street that will get you from one end of downtown to the other and a (not free) share-bike program called B-cycle that you could use to get around as well.

      Just a short cab/Uber/Lyft ride away from downtown is Denver City Park, where there is Denver Zoo and Denver Museum of Nature & Science, or the Denver Botanic Gardens, or the Cherry Creek shopping district. A bit longer ride to Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum.

      You can take a bus to Boulder from Denver’s Union Station and walk around downtown Boulder.

      If you rent a car, you can get to Red Rocks Amphitheatre (they have nice walking trails around the theatre, and the theatre itself is open to the public during the day, though it closes early on days when there’s going to be a concert), Golden (home to Coors Brewery), and the mountains.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Yes yes yes!! Denver is an amazing city, especially in late spring/summer. If you’re on social media, check out Bon Appetit’s instagram right now — one of their writers is doing a weekend in Denver and highlighting the great food and beer there.

      There’s decent public transport including light rail. There’s a train from the airport into the city center. If you stay centrally, you shouldn’t need a car unless you want to Uber/Lyft your way out to one of the cool neighborhoods.

    6. rubyrose*

      Through May 20 there is a Degas exhibit at the Denver Art Museum. Dead Sea Scrolls are at the Museum of Nature and Science through September 3, but be sure you get tickets in advance.

      I’m prejudiced; I live here. It’s great place.

      1. rubyrose*

        Oh yeah, Colorado has a lot of craft beer brewers, so if you are into beer, check that out before you come.

  33. Spring Has Sprung*

    Where do you meet new people? I moved to a new city a while ago and so far I haven’t been very social. It doesn’t help that I’m often tired after work and don’t feel like going out – but even if I did feel like it, there aren’t many opportunities! It’s getting lonely.

    1. Ann Nonymous*

      See if there are Chamber mixers right after work. If you go home first and sit down, you’ll never get back up and get out. Look in your local paper and see what the big social or philanthropic groups are and get in contact with them. Also, is there a community center or something similar where you can take fun classes (dance, ceramics, art)?

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Check and see if the city has a newcomer’s club. If there’s a university or a teaching hospital you can check and see if they have any groups. Also look for social groups around a common interest. I once belonged to an outdoors club that had a good variety of people and activities. Community ed classes can also be a great place to meet people with common interests. And you can always just create what you need. I have a friend who moved to the area and promptly created a play group, book club, and supper club and easily found people to join in.

    3. Loopy*

      I work M-F and hate doing anything after work. I volunteer Saturday mornings. Sometimes it’s hard to get up to an alarm one more day but I usually reward myself with a nap in the afternoon. It’s been really positive socially for me and I feel like it definitely fills my social needs. I usually do errands on my way home and then can rest for the remainder of the weekend.

    4. Thlayli*

      When I moved to a new country I put in loads of effort and after a year I had I pretty good circle of friends. It took a LOT of effort though. Places I met people:
      1 shared accommodation. I moved in with 5 other people in a big house. There was a lot of bad things about living with others but it means a pretty expanded social circle pretty quickly.
      2 people I worked with and people they know
      3 I went out every single weekend.
      4 I went on first dates with pretty much any guy who asked. Didn’t go on many second dates.

    5. Anna Moose*

      Check out Meetup! It takes some experimenting to find a group that you click with, but now that it’s spring a lot of groups will be hosting more events as people start to feel more social. People organize all kinds of events there from outdoor activities, getting a group together to see a local show, or just socializing at a local happy hour. The bigger cities tend to have groups specifically for new arrivals, so you can find other friends to explore the city with.

  34. Mimmy*

    I think I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a pickle:

    I registered for a conference in Pittsburgh that’ll take place in mid-June (I’ve mentioned this in previous weekend threads). I will be going by myself–while I have traveled alone before, it was always where I was visiting a family member who would meet me at the destination airport or train station. This time, I’ll be fending for myself, which is beginning to make me nervous. Adding to that is the fact that I have slight vision and hearing impairments plus some sensory processing issues. Yeahhhh, I’m just a tad crazy, lol.

    I know there are options for assistance and transportation. I just don’t know how much I can trust that I’ll get appropriate help or that I won’t get flustered trying to get said help.

    A friend who happens to be a presenter at this conference said I could stay with her, but that was months ago and she’s been out of touch and I don’t want to bug her. The conference takes place at a hotel–hopefully there are still rooms available but gahh they are EXPENSIVE!!!

    What’s more, I’ll be going straight from another out-of-state event (a family thing)!

    I really hope I didn’t bite off more than I can chew :(

    1. Ann Nonymous*

      Mimmy, you’ve got this. Take a deep breath, break the obstacles down into discrete tasks, make a plan for dealing with each micro-part and you can totally get this done. And think how proud you’re going to be when you succeed.

    2. KR*

      Something that really helps me is having my whole travel plan written down on a physical piece of paper that I can keep in my pocket. That way I’m not worrying about my phone dying or something. I write down flight times, durations, gates, confirm codes, addresses, whether I’m going to Uber or Lyft, ect. It might help you to have a plan to refer to, like ok when I land I’m going to go get my baggage and then go to this drop off point and then call an Uber and so on.

    3. nep*

      You’ve got this. Agree with Ann about breaking things down to doable, non-overwhelming tasks.
      I recall how great you felt about stepping out of your comfort zone and planning to go to this conference solo. I know that spirit is still there.
      What’s the worst that can happen/what’s the best that can happen?
      Wishing you all the best. We’re all rooting for you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Find out if anyone who you know in your arena is going to Pittsburgh. Offer to meet them for coffee or something. Like you are saying here, we need a sense of being connected to other people. You may not need a huge connection, just one or two people who agree to having lunch or grabbing a coffee while you both are there.

      When my husband traveled alone, we had a set time that he would call me. His whole day was built around that phone call. Connecting to home or to a special family member at the end of the day can give a sense of feeling anchored because there is that set time for the phone call. Pick someone who understands that this is a big deal for you and who will understand your wins when you describe how something went well. I understood when my husband found an exercise bike and found parts for his motorcycle he was having a great time. Not everyone would be able to follow the significance of these things.

    5. Overeducated*

      Bug the friend! I bet it will make you feel so much better to just have an anchor person there.

    6. Grits McGee*

      I went to grad school in Pittsburgh, and I found that Pittsburgers (also known by their scientific name, Yinzers) are, for the most part, very friendly and helpful. People won’t bother you if you don’t want them to, but I never had anyone be rude when I’ve asked for help or directions. The bus system is a little weird, so the drivers are very used to riders being confused and needing help figuring out where they’re going.

      Do you have any specific concerns about using transit in Pittsburgh? It’s been a couple years since I’ve lived there, but I’d be happy to answer questions. Pittsburgh is pretty much where I learned how to use public transportation, so I definitely feel you on the transit anxiety!

    7. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m in Pittsburgh so if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know :)

    8. nep*

      (You sound in your post as if you’re still willing to take this on — that is fantastic. Just to say, do give yourself permission not to if it is more a burden than a positive experience. But I sense that you’re still game and I know if you follow through, you’ll smash it. Others have given great suggestions and insights here (go, yinzers) — and even a local ready to help! All the best.)

    9. MissDissplaced*

      Does the freind know about the health issues? If so, tell her when you’re arriving and staying and ask her to ‘check in’ with you.
      I travel alone often for work. I find it best to print out everything and highlight flight times. If you need assistance at airport, pre-arrange with the airline (the have gate assistance).
      I recommend Uber for airport-to-hotel transfers, and you can also pre- arrange your departure ride. In your case, it would be best to get a room at the conference venue hotel, even if it costs more. It will alleviate a lot of stress to be in same facility and get around, and you’ll actually enjoy the event much more.
      I’m actually at a conference today! LOL! Unfortunately, the main hotel was booked and I had to lug my bag up the hill to my hotel a block away which was a real PIA. Trust me, you wouldn’t want that. I don’t mind a walk, but my suitcase was not meant to roll along city streets and sidewalks!

      1. Mimmy*

        I’ve only met my friend a couple of times in person (I met her when we graduated from a certificate program together 2 years ago), but I think she knows of my disabilities. I’ll be sure to clarify everything though so that she is aware.

        It turns out my friend is staying at the hotel as well – I thought she was going to commute from her home each day. I may be able to room with her; if not, I’m hoping there are still rooms available. There are overflow hotels, but I agree that it’ll be much easier to stay in the same hotel as the conference itself.

        *happy dance*

    10. Mimmy*

      I love you guys!!

      Good news: My friend finally wrote me back! She’d been off FB for awhile so she just now saw my PM’s. She’s going to be staying at the hotel too, it turns out, and may even be able to let me room with her. Even if that’s not an option (hopefully there are still rooms available!), just knowing that my friend is okay and is ready to welcome me to this unfamiliar city makes me feel better.

      nep – Oh I’m definitely still game! This conference is a dream for me – yeah, it’ll be a very new experience, but it’ll also be a really great opportunity for networking and learning.

      Detective Amy Santiago – I’ll be waving to you when I arrive :)

  35. Ann Nonymous*

    I got a 20% raise out of the blue yesterday! Super yay! Boss is a bit of an odd bird, but she loves my work and wants me to put in more hours (this is a very part-time job)….no worries there…I can totally be bribed!

  36. Gigi*

    My baby chicks arrive in the mail in just over a week! I am so excited! I kept a small flock as a teenager and always wanted to do it again as an adult. It’s easier now because of the “urban chicken” trend, particularly in the Bay Area where I live. I’m getting three Orpingtons and two Australorps and they’re going to be pets with benefits (fresh eggs!).

    I’m debating between naming them after characters from 30 Rock (Liz, Jenna, Cherie, Angie…), The Office (Pam, Kelly, Angela, Phyllis…) or Game of Thrones.

    Any other poultry keepers here? What do you enjoy about your birds?

    1. Ann Nonymous*

      Just don’t kiss them! CDC has been warning of many people getting salmonella from doing just that.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      We’ve got chickens and love them, though ours are mostly not pets. The eggs are amazing. We’ve had a few Orpingtons and Australorps. Nice breeds.

      They can mail just five chicks now? When we last did mail-order chicks, the minimum was more like 25, so they can keep each other warm.

      I will warn you, every time we’ve bought chicks as sexed pullets, there’s been at least one cockerel. Not a big deal for us, cause we make chicken soup, but might be more difficult for you to deal with. Also, with mail-order, we’ve had several that were weak. We babied them along extravagantly, but they all died in days. So prepare your heart if you’ve got one that isn’t thriving.

      But on a more cheerful note, they are the cutest ever! And they grow so fast, enjoy them while they’re babies. I love the soft ‘beep beep’ sound of a batch of chicks. And how they quiet down when you talk to them. And their itty bitty new feathers coming in. And even that fugly stage they get when they don’t have all their feathers in but they’ve outgrown their down.

      1. Gigi*

        Thank you for the advice! It was the same when I was younger – you had to split an order with a neighbor or find a feed store with chicks if you only wanted a few. There’s a hatchery now called My Pet Chicken that sells all kinds of poultry with a minimum order of 3-4. They use heat packs to ship them. They also sell sexed bantams – the only place I’ve ever seen that does that. From talking to other chicken owners and researching online they are legit. I really commend them for filling that niche in the market.

        To be honest I only really want 4 hens, but we ordered five in case of fatalities and/or cockerels. We’ll see how it goes. If all five turn out to be healthy happy hens then we’ve got room.

        So looking forward to the little peepers! :)

    3. Another person*

      I love how chirpy they are and when they come when you scatter food on the ground and also how easy of pets they are. (So easy to leave when you travel—just make sure you fill up the feeder and waterer and they’ll be fine for a day not like my needy needy dog).

  37. Phoenix Programmer*

    Discussion time! Mass Effect Andromeda was the best mass effect game.

    Fun fast paced combat. World altering decisions you can see impact unlike 1,2, and 3. Improved dialogue options. Expanded romance options. And great character building discussions while driving around the planets.

    I thought the enemies and political conflicts really worked too.

    1. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      Never played Mass Effect so I don’t have a ton to add, other than that if you’re into YouTube at all there’s a channel called Outside Xbox (and their companion channel Outside Xtra) that bring me a lot of joy, they do video game videos and whatnot, and Jane’s favorites are Mass Effect games. :) Highly recommend!

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Thanks!

        Lots of fans ofass effect hated Andromeda so I was curious of it would spark debate or not.

    2. miyeritari*

      I”m glad that you enjoyed it, but I though it was fine, at best. Maybe like 6.5/10.

      It felt really unpolished to me. Maybe that’s because I have a pretty weak computer. It also rung to me as a game that clearly had a planned sequel – especially the choice you make based on army size at the end of the game – and because there’s no sequel, it wasn’t meaningful. Sure, you do have different allies, and the amount of allies you fight is different but it’s so empty without the sequel having wide-scale changes.

      I actually felt they could have done so much with finding the Angara. There fact that you show up, they sort of *give* you Jaal (who i love, by the way), and all you get with them is vague distrust. I wish there had been a lot more cultural shock/disconnect. That was probably the biggest disappointment for me.

      I wish the loyalty missions would have more effects on the story, like they did in the first ME Trilogy.

  38. Fernweh*

    I’d love to move abroad for a little while. I’ve never had the opportunity while I was a student and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I’m in my early thirties though and probably not at a point in my career where that’s an easy or particularly beneficial thing to do!

    Any experiences with moving abroad (for a shorter period of time) as an adult?

    1. Fiona*

      Yup. I wanted to live in London for a while, and (after much deliberation and planning) finally decided to go for it. Original plan was going to be 9 months, then a year, and it’s closing on two years now and I’m still here…^^;;;

      1. Fernweh*

        That sounds amazing, congratulations! London is a beautiful city.

        What was the biggest challenge for you? Was the transition easy, workwise?

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Yep, done it twice, once for work (Asia, being vague to keep from identifying myself)) and once (now) for grad school (London).

    3. Candy*

      I took a year leave from my jobs to travel abroad when I was 35. I worked every day for one year and saved enough money that it wasn’t until six months into my trip that I ran out. I got a work visa through a gov’t program for Canadians age 18-35 that provides work permits/visas for a few dozen countries around the world so that I would be able to work if/when I wanted (but I never ended up working that year). I didn’t use them, but there’s also agencies like SWAP working holidays that help you find work, accommodation, etc. If you’re American, maybe the gov’t has a similar program?

      I left when I was 35, so I just made the cut-off for the work visa, and had a great experience even though I did end up coming back to Canada and my jobs after a year. I would definitely recommend it, and would not worry about travelling/moving abroad as an adult. I would not have had half the experiences I had while travelling if I’d done the same trip when I was an insecure, inexperienced twenty-something.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Three times – London in 99-00, Sweden in 2006, and now London again from 2014.

      I will say that its gotten tougher as I have gotten older, especially when you want to start to feel settled at some point. Long term (more than two years) you start to feel neither here nor there too, I’ve found, and you can still have tough days/weeks/months. If you are looking for something short more for the experience, you may want to look up some of the tech nomad sites as those folks tend to know the best cities to set up shop fro six months in terms of visas, finding a lease, etc.

    5. Birch*

      I’ve been living abroad for the past 7 years. London, then Helsinki, now Reading, UK. In my experience you either love it or you hate it–there isn’t really a middle point, and you can’t know unless you try. There is a HUGE difference between visiting and actually *living* abroad that people don’t understand. It’s incredibly expensive, and all the day-to-day logistics are twice as hard because you’re foreign. Immigration, registration, housing, transportation, bank accounts, taxation, employment, medical care, even things like where to buy curtains are all much harder. If it’s somewhere you don’t speak the local language, it’s 3x harder. There’s culture shock, there’s days when you feel like you can’t do anything right, days when you’re furious at this country for not being what you thought it would be, days when people hate you for no reason just because you’re foreign, and a lot of days when you question whether you made the right decision. If you plan on going back, you have to deal with this feeling of being temporary, and whether you want to get close to people. It’s very difficult to make new friends, and you might lose some of the friends you had. If you consider not going back, you have to balance assimilation with keeping your identity as a citizen of your home country. Sometimes you have to choose between them.

      I moved abroad to go to a graduate program and stayed because it’s the most exciting, interesting, fulfilling thing I’ve done. It’s 100% worth it.

      My advice: do it. If it’s not for you, go back and resume life in your home country without shame–be proud you found the place you belong. And don’t hang out with expats. All they do is complain about how their home country is better. Hang out with locals and permanent immigrants. Good luck!

      1. Fernweh*

        This is such an insightful comment, thank you! It’s also very motivating. You’re exactly right – I could go back any time, so there is little to lose and much to gain.

  39. Melody Pond*

    Prenup help!!! So I’ve been working on a draft of a prenup for Mr. Pond and myself. (I originally posted about this… probably a few months ago?)

    I gotta say, one thing that completely stumps me, is the whole equitable vs. equal division of marital property. I really have no idea. I lean towards choosing “equal” because at least we know what exactly that would look like. I have no idea what equitable would look like in the future, because it would depend on our circumstances at the time, right? And either we, or a judge would have to figure it out at the time?

    I live in a common law state that defaults to equitable division of marital property, if I’ve understood my research correctly (Oregon), so I know that if we want equal division of marital property, we definitely want to spell that out in the prenup.

    Also – another thing that stumps me… We don’t have kids, so, if either one of us were to die unexpectedly, we would want the deceased spouse’s retirement benefit accounts to go to the survivor (I know we need to make a will, too). But if we divorce, we would want those assets to be separate property, in the name of the person who earned them. In the prenup, there are paragraphs that deals with designating pre- and post-marital retirement benefit accounts as either separate property or marital property. I’d thought at first, that we want those to be considered separate property, but the book’s example language for choosing to designate them as separate property, includes a piece where you’re saying that each spouse is waiving all future legal claims to those retirement benefits. And I don’t want us to be waiving the ability to inherit them, if/when one of us dies.

    Later on, in a paragraph for provisions applicable to divorce, there’s a clause on retirement benefits that specifies that in the event of a divorce, all retirement benefits will remain the sole property of the spouse who earned them or in whose name they are vested. That seems like a clause that we do want – but then, to be able to inherit the retirement property, do I want to go back and designate the pre- and post-marital retirement benefits as marital property, in the earlier paragraphs of the prenup that touch on that subject?

    By the way, we are each going to have a lawyer review the draft for each of us, but the affordable service I was looking at is a fixed fee, 30 minute phone call to discuss it, and I have lots of questions, so I’m trying to do any research I can on my own, beforehand. Thought it was worth throwing this out there.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who has even a little familiarity with this subject!

    1. OK*

      I would leave the retirement as non marital property. And as regarding inheritance in case of death the designated beneficiary on the retirement I believe overrides almost anything. And has the benefit of being outside of probate.
      But remember the pre-nup is not carved in stone, it can be changed in the future.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        This is what I wanted to say. I know nothing about prenups, but unfortunately I know a lot about estates and probate for a layperson, and retirement accounts generally just have a beneficiary (or more than one, and you can specify percentages), and they will go to whomever you specify as beneficiary(s) without having to worry about an estate or will or anything.

        My only thought about equal vs. equitable is that if one partner has a fairly large net worth and the other does not, I can see that they might want to say equitable. I believe some states generally allow someone to keep property that was owned solely by one party before the two were married anyway, unless they used it all the time as a couple, like a house or a car. If both partners have about the same worth before the marriage, then I would think it would be easier to just say equal rather than equitable. But as I said, I have no experience with these, just my thoughts after dealing with estates and such.

    2. King Friday XIII*

      With something like retirement benefits, don’t those usually have a listed beneficiary? So maybe you can say in the prenup that neither of you is entitled to them as a benefit of marriage but you can separately choose to list each other as the beneficiary.

      1. No regular name*

        I think retirement benefits such as pensions & 401k plans are covered by a separate law that the spouse must be the primary beneficiary unless they sign away that right. This is not true for IRAs where anyone can be named a beneficiary. In the event of divorce, the pensions or 401ks of both spouses become part of your divorce agreement on how to be split.

    3. Loopy*

      I am getting a prenup done too. One thing we considered is handling some things in a Will, where it makes more sense to address there. So, we will treat the prenup as divorce scenario only and then address a deceased spouse via a Will. We will probably get Wills done by a year after we marry.

      I also wanted to mention we were warned that writing it up ourselves initially without a lawyers input can mean a more lengthly/expensive review if it’s very far off their template or what they advise. We ultimately decided that could cause us to have to really go back to the drawing board if the lawyer looks at what we came up with and tells us nope- this is not going to work for me at all.

      But I don’t want to sound condescending as you are clearly putting a LOT of thought and research into this. I just thought it might be helpful to pass on what we were told if you can consider that option. Also so sorry to be a debbie downer.

      The route we went was to have a lawyer draft it up for a flat fee (which we were thrilled to know exists) and then a second lawyer will just have to do the review only which is cheaper. It’s still expensive…we really really didn’t want to pay lawyers fees for this but in the end I have to say I recommend it if it’s a route you can consider.

      1. SineNomine*

        I want to second this. The more you do without a lawyer for each party, the greater the chance that the document becomes effectively meaningless. Mind you, it matters a lot less when you are going for a simple equal distribution (Assuming it’s also equal in respect to things beyond just property), but without each side having independent counsel there are a lot of ways for it to be unenforceable. In cases where one side claims it was done under duress or without full knowledge, even if it wasn’t at this time (Which, while unlikely, you need to prepare for given that divorces get ugly), the court is going to err on the side of ignoring it and deciding for themselves how best things should be split up to be fair to all parties. Having a template goes a LONG way to making sure the prenup is strong and secure.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Yeah, we’re not able to have lawyers do it from start to finish. Not an option for us right now.

        But we do plan to review it every three years, and my thought was that maybe once our finances have a little more wiggle room in the future, we could have attorneys do more re-writes/edits.

        1. Dan*

          I did my own divorce paperwork, and didn’t bother with a prenup. I wouldn’t want to take the chance that I screwed stuff up and it would be meaningless. Besides, we didn’t have much in the first place.

          If you can’t afford a lawyer, is the prenup even worth the trouble?

          1. Melody Pond*

            I can see your thinking, but even though there’s not a lot to our finances right now, I do like the idea of having a basic plan written down – to decide what will and won’t be marital property subject to division in a divorce.

            Plus, while it’s my first marriage, it’s Mr. Pond’s second marriage. I think he wound up feeling taken advantage of, financially, in his first divorce, so having a basic plan in place and knowing what to expect ahead of time, is helpful for him. And even though I don’t have the same triggers in place from a previous divorce, it’s still helpful for me in much the same way – knowing roughly what to expect and having a plan in place.

        2. Loopy*

          I’ve heard of a post-nup. I don’t know if it’s an option to have that done from scratch with a lawyer when it’s feasible and supersede the pre-nup but it might be something to also look into. I know that can be a little more complicated, but it might be an option to have a document done with lawyers from start to finish that you can do when affordable.

          IANAL, but I would hope the lawyer could write in that it supercedes the earlier pre-nup if you so choose.

          1. Melody Pond*

            Yeah, that definitely seems to be a thing. I’ve been using the boilerplate language supplied by the book, throughout the DIY version I’ve been writing, and literally everywhere, there are sentences that say things like, “This agreement may be modified only by a subsequent written agreement signed by both of us.” So yeah, you can definitely change things later.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      In a world where women tend to make less money overall during their careers (for reasons of inequity and also tending to take unpaid months or years off for childrearing), a woman entering into her first marriage should be very, very wary of agreeing to pre-nup conditions that vary from what your state provides in its divorce code, and what federal law provides for Social Security payments.

      You really, really should spend the money now to discuss all this with a lawyer. Think of it as spending a thousand dollars now (probably a lot less!) to protect your right to hundreds of thousands of dollars in the future. Don’t be penny-wise, pound-foolish here.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        and by “a lawyer” I mean “your own lawyer, not one working for both you and your fiance”

  40. Kat*

    My plans for a productive Saturday went out of the window when I was woken in the night with the most painful monthly cramps I’ve had for a while, and things are still sore despite my usual strong painkillers. I managed to go out, but only to the shops for a few boring things. I couldn’t make it out for a run like I’d hoped, and I’m now too tired to do much except slump on the sofa and read or watch a TV programme.

    I’m not very good at letting myself off the hook when things like this happen and I feel I’ve ‘wasted’ a day. Does this happen to anyone else? I’m trying to make myself feel better by reminding myself next weekend I’ll be in Berlin, and able to do plenty of fun things!

    2. Nicole76*

      I know how you feel – just waking up later than usual makes me feel like I’ve wasted my day. I just forced myself to work out on my elliptical machine for a half hour so I’d have at least one productive thing under my belt. Also did a load of laundry so I guess make that two things. I wish the weather would warm up so we could take the dog for a walk. I can’t deal with the cold unless it’s over 60 degrees so my husband has been walking the dog.

      I hope your pain medication kicks in and you feel better!

      1. Kat*

        Yes! And I’m usually up fairly early, but today I couldn’t get out of bed till about 12 because I was just so sore. I did read some of a book I’m enjoying, but other than that… nothing productive.

        I feel a bit better now, thanks!

    3. Thursday Next*

      You’re under no obligation to be “productive” all the time! And rest + recovery should be priorities—they’re what enable you to be productive at other times. Would it help you to consider self care as task category, where there are specific things you need to “accomplish”?

    4. Sereknitty*

      I hear you. It’s the first sunny and warm weekend here and I had plans. Well i got sick Friday evening still feeling pretty crappy today. I am so annoyed that I got sick and all my plans were trashed.
      I used to be be sick twice a year and then usually only 1 day but since October I missed almost every month a few days of work.

    5. Belle di Vedremo*

      Really glad this happened at home and not on your trip!

      Have a great time in Berlin and tell us about it, please. I’ve never been to Berlin.

    6. Lurking...But Not In A Creepy Way*

      Yep. Cramps rarely, headaches (really eyestrain) more frequently. Actually just happened yesterday, so I couldn’t do any productive coding like I wanted to.

      I’ve learned to not push it, because I can ramp my headache from a 3 (annoying but can still do stuff) to a 7 or an 8 (holey Toledo I thought I took drugs who stabbed me in the eye and why do they hate me) pretty quickly. I just started accepting that sometimes it’ll happen, and as long as whatever I’m doing wasn’t earth-shatteringly urgent, work on a different project if I can or just relax and try to sleep the pain away. :) Hope you feel better and enjoy your weekend in Berlin!

  41. Can't Sit Still*

    Last week, I talked about hoping for a renewed relationship with my estranged brother. I had truly forgotten how much drama my family can bring. So, we talked on the phone and texted for a few days. I convinced him to get an inhaler for his asthma (my family is mostly Christian Scientist with some Jehovah’s Witnesses, so this was no small thing), and then everything went sideways, at least from my perspective. My brother ranted and raved a bit, then went silent. I figured he was bored with trying to get money and a place to stay out of me.

    Yesterday, my mother called me. I’ve been estranged from her for almost as long as my brother, so I was not happy to hear from her. My brother had disappeared the night before, after going over to his ex’s house, telling his daughter he loved her and that he was going away to die. My mother and I had a stiff, uncomfortable conversation where she proceeded to be a drama queen about everything, and went on and on how sorry she was for everything. I told her she was always sorry, and she instantly calmed down and said “that’s what your brother always says.” My mother is her own personal, walking soap opera, so I was halfway convinced that I was being played now.

    But I wasn’t sure, so I called another family member, who filled me in on what my brother had been up to the past couple of days. Y’all, this happened in like, 4 days. So our Cousin and Spouse took in Brother after he got his inhaler, and Brother proceeded to destroy both the house and the relationship overnight and was kicked out the next morning. Brother has also been banned from every bar within walking and skateboard distance from anywhere he lives, something he conveniently neglected to tell me. His roommate is furious with him, too.

    I got a text from Family Member early yesterday afternoon, saying that Brother showed up and he was being mean to Mother, with a cheery “keep in touch!” Since Brother seems determined to follow in Father’s footsteps, I expect this will repeat another 30 or 40 times, unless and until he either gets help or completes suicide. My poor niece!

    My therapist is on vacation for a month right now, because of course she is, so I called EAP (my school EAP line goes directly to a counselor, with no gatekeeper, which is nice) last night to vent and get it all out. The very nice therapist, after hearing my story, asked me if this kind of drama is the reason we are estranged. Yes. This kind of drama, all the time, nonstop, forever and ever without end, amen. I am impressed with my brother’s ability to burn bridges so hard he sets the river on fire, though. He’s got some mad skillz there.

    I’m exhausted from all of it and it was only a week. I can’t believe I used to deal with this all the time and it seemed normal! I’m feeling OK overall, just a little annoyed at getting drawn back in again. So we’re estranged again, and now I know for certain that I made the right decision.

    1. Ginger ale for all*

      Oh my goodness! You made the right decision to step back. Best wishes for remaining estranged.

    3. Kathenus*

      I’m so sorry. I’ve had my share of family drama, some similar although not as intense as what you describe. You sound like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders though so keep taking care of yourself, decide what you will and won’t be drawn into, and best of luck.

    5. Windchime*

      Oh, I am so sorry about all of this but yes, it does sound like you made the right decision. I am estranged from one of my sisters. She is drama, drama, drama all the time and sounds very much like your brother. She once got kicked out of the local auto parts store for behaving strangely and then throwing a giant fit (crying, ranting, etc) when they asked her to leave. Multiple suicide attempts, etc. When she finally came unglued at Christmas a couple of years ago (complete with physical threats to family members and finally having the police come and escort her out), I decided I was done. It had been over 20 years of this crap and I was just done. I haven’t spoken with her for about 15 months and my life is about 200% calmer. It’s a really hard thing to do but, as one of my kids said, “Mom, if she didn’t cross the line at Christmas, then where is the line? *Is* there even a line with her?” I realized he was right. I miss her but I can’t do it anymore.

    6. Observer*

      Keep that piece of conversation with Nice Therapist in mind if / when anyone tries to tell you that you need to stay close to family.

      Why on earth did Family Member text you about Brother? But, that’s the kind of person I had in mind above.

    7. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      Healthy boundaries are great. I’m glad you’ve got them and that you are in a good place with it.

      Also, can I just say I admire your turn of phrase? “…burn bridges so hard he sets the river on fire” is pretty epic.

  42. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    Breakfast cereals, ordered objectively by deliciousness –

    1. Lucky Charms
    2. Fruit Loops
    3. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
    4. Alpha-bits (with marshmallows)
    4.5 Alpha-bits (without marshmallows)
    5. Frosted Flakes
    6. Honey Nut Cheerios
    7. Frosted Mini-Wheats
    8. Fruity Pebbles
    9. Captain Crunch
    10. Reese’s puffs

    11-99. Bleh Choices
    100. Literal Sawdust
    101. Applejacks
    102. Cookie Crisp

    (This list does not include limited time or regional varieties due to a limit number of meals available to devote to cereal.)

    FIGHT ME!!!

      1. Dopameanie*

        And I don’t understand how you could be so blind to the joy of the additional flavor dimensions marshmallows add. You obviously hate all childlike glee. You probably also tell toddlers Santa isn’t real.

        1. Dopameanie*

          They make those. They are called candy cigarettes and they are actual shards of sugar chalk. I’m certain you just got those two mixed up in your mind, that’s fine. Happens all the time. I accept your apology for speaking ill of the delightful.

      3. Chameleon*

        I used to pull all the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms. Then threw the nasty oat crap away and ate only big bowls of only marshmallows. They are delicious.

          2. Dopameanie*

            I’ve actually been given a 2lb bag as a gift before! After having a bowl ‘o sugar for breakfast, I recommend using the marshmallows as a substitute for some of the rice Krispys in rice Krispy treats. Delish!

        2. Dopameanie*

          Cocoa Puffs are, admittedly, top 20 material. Points are deducted, however, due to the cocoa color and flavor abandoning the cereal it belongs on like women contestants who end up winning on The Bachelor.

      2. Dopameanie*

        Pebbles of all varieties make the bleh list because the surface area is too great to sustain any crunch past the first 30 seconds. UNACCEPTABLE!

        1. Loopy*

          Truth. I detest fruity pebbles. It was the mystery Oreo flavor and we threw the entire box out.

      3. Emily*

        Chocolate flavored cereals are bad!!!!

        If I wanted chocolate for breakfast, I would eat a pain au chocolat. Not weird cereal that turns my milk into diluted cocoa-water. It’s kind of like eating a tootsie roll when you could be having the real deal.

    3. Sylvan*

      1. Corn Flakes
      2. Cheerios
      3. Special K

      Also, it is best dry. Mixing something crispy with a liquid is a sin. People who do this have been led astray by milk, which in its liquid form ruins things.

      Cereal and yogurt is acceptable.

      1. Dopameanie*

        See now, DRY cereal is a whole other thing. Totally different ranking structure. To be clear; you are still WRONG but for different reasons.

        Also, milk is the basis for everything deliciously rich: cheese, cream, and (indirectly) meat.

        Why do you disparage the origin of richness itself? I know why: poverty of the tastebuds.

        1. Sylvan*

          Also, milk is the basis for everything gross: cheese, cream, and (indirectly) meat.

          Why do you disparage the origin of barf itself? I know why: wealth of the tastebuds.

          FTFY

          1. Dopameanie*

            Look, I did not claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables. I did it to look at pictures of cats and argue with strangers. While eating Lucky Charms. Like a civilized human!!!!

            1. Sylvan*

              You didn’t claw your way to the top to drink cow baby food, either.

              /lactose intolerant

              1. Dopameanie*

                Aaahhh HA! I should’ve known you were sour-grapes-ing! When you can get things as delicious (and varied) as ice cream and cream based soup and steak and you DON’T, then there’s a reason. Cow squeezin’s are worth it for the rest of us. YOU are just being a Bitter Buttermilk Biscuit.

              2. Sylvan*

                It’s not sour grapes! You all have Stockholm syndrome because you were made to drink milk over and over when you were kids, and now you can’t admit it’s gross.

                Are you in the US? If so, did you know that we have a legal limit on the amount of pus that can be in milk? The amount is not zero.

                Almond milk and cashew milk might be made of like three nuts, a lot of water, and thickeners like carrageenan, but NOT THAT.

                1. Dopameanie*

                  This comment makes me want to find you a bottle, because you are whining like a BABY.

                  My spoiled millennial cat drinks water straight from the toilet and you’re too good for a little bovine pus? Well lah-tee-dah.

        2. Spritely*

          Milk with other stuff is great. Ice cream is the food of heaven. Cheese is one of my favorite things.

          Plain milk is disgusting. It does not taste right. Pouring it all over delicious cereal is a sin.

      2. KR*

        Love dry cereal. I’ve tried doing milk in cereal and it grosses me out. Now ignoring sugar content which is apalling enough that it makes me avoid any cereal now, I love 1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch, 2. Apple Jacks, 3. Special K with the Strawberries, 4. Frosted Mini Wheats, 5. Raisin Bran

        1. Birch*

          KB has it. Ugh, I loved all those cereals made from other stuff. Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Golden Grahams, Cookie Crisp, Oreo O’s! There was another one that was shaped like toast and had kind of a mapley flavor, I don’t remember the name! Oh and Waffle Crisp! I also loved Grape Nuts. I was a weird child.

            1. Dopameanie*

              So surveying this comment section on a Monday always reminds me of surveying a slumber party on a Monday. You can see where Big Fun and Drama were had, but everything is oddly quiet.

        2. Dopameanie*

          Wait a second….are you telling me you eat mini wheats DRY? That…that’s…are you secretly a horse? How can you choke down all that dry wheat?

          1. Slartibartfast*

            Oh no, flavored frosted Mini Wheats eaten dry are like a guilt free Pop Tart. Especially the chocolate ones.

          2. Sylvan*

            How do you choke down wet wheat? Are you a goose eating what people have thrown into the water?

            1. Dopameanie*

              That would be preferable, but luckily I am a person with access to delicious MILK.

          3. Spritely*

            I eat Oatmeal Squares dry. My mouth seems to be able to produce enough saliva to ease the wheat right on down.

            But then again I also eat salad with no dressing and rarely put condiments on sandwiches or burgers. I’ve been dry eatin’ my whole life.

        3. Sylvan*

          Those are all pretty good.

          Vanilla almond Special K is better than the one with strawberries, though.

        4. Tau*

          Now ignoring sugar content which is apalling enough that it makes me avoid any cereal now

          It sounds like you, too, know the pain of attempting to find a breakfast cereal composed of, preferably, no more than 10% sugar.

          (I’m irked about this because I thought I’d found a good one and then I realised I’d misread the label and it had twice as much sugar as I thought. :/)

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      First, I agree with Fiona, so we’re going to tag-team you here. Your top 5 choices are only good for compost, except for Fruit Loops.

      Second, you left off the #1 best cereal of all time, Honey Smacks.

      LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLE! ;)

      1. Dopameanie*

        Honey Smacks are, like, #85 on that list. They are medium terrible. Weird mouthfeel, sticky in an artificial way, mediocre flavor, they disgrace the cow whose milk was used to make the meal.
        Awful.

    5. Mimmy*

      Hey now, I like Apple Jacks!!

      But totally with you on Lucky Charms – I was addicted to that stuff when I was little. Now, it’s probably way too sweet for me. A local burger place had a special on a Lucky Charms shake (I think they just mixed together a bunch of the green marshmallows), so hubby and I tried it–no bueno!

      2. Dopameanie*

        Also, applejacks taste like a cinnamon stick was dipped in turpentine and rolled around on the floor of an old lady’s house until enough dust had built up to make the O shape.

        Terrible cereal, with a dishonest marketing campaign. No apple taste at all! Shady behavior.

      3. Slartibartfast*

        Fun fact: Lucky Charms and cat food use the same shapes. And Lucky Charms tastes like cat food with marshmallows.
        I had a bottle fed orphan kitty that only recognized two things on this planet as edible: flat pancake shaped dry cat food, and Lucky charms marshmallows.

      4. Dara*

        Oh, we had that shake at BK, too. Ours was full-on cereal mixed into the shake. The marshmallows got stuck in the straw, and the cereal pieces turned into soggy mush from being mixed with the soft serve (that also got stuck in the straw).

    6. nep*

      When I ate cereals —
      I used to LOVE Grape Nuts — they’d have to have soaked a bit for softening, though. Otherwise, felt like they’d crack my teeth.

      1. Dopameanie*

        That’s why I don’t care for them myself-not enough patience. I mean, if food is too hot you can blow on it! But there’s nothing you can do with grape nuts except sit on your hands and wait for them to become edible.

    7. OK*

      Trix before they went whole grain and when they had different shapes.
      In fact almost anything was better before they went to whole grain.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Trix aren’t horrible, but they get soggy too fast. It’s a surface area issue.

    8. Can't Sit Still*

      Oreo-Os are the best cereal ever! I was so happy when they came back to the US. Second best is puffed rice, followed by regular Cheerios, then Honey Nut Cheerios. I like the giant Shredded Wheat that comes in individual sealed packages inside the box, too (do they even make that anymore?)

      Cinnamon Toast Crunch seems like it should taste good, but it feels greasy to me. I used to like Lucky Charms, but they’re kind of eh to me now. Fruit Loops and Captain Crunch cut my mouth up too much to eat.

      1. Dopameanie*

        So Oreo O’s would score better except the milk is not a suitable stand in for the cream. It reminds me a bit of eating a vegan hot dog: I mean, sure, go ahead, it doesn’t taste bad. But even as you chew you know it is a pale imitation of the real thing.

    9. Ann O’Nemity*

      Kid Me liked (1) Fruit Loops, (2) Cocoa Puffs, and (3) Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

      Healthy option I actually eat now: Cascadian Farms Oats and Honey Granola with fresh berries and Greek yogurt.

    10. Loopy*

      Lucky Charms is overrated and I am ready to fight that it got placed over the sacred Cinnamon Toast Crunch. SHAME ON YOU. How. Dare. You.

      And what even is Alpha-bits?

      …and your list is missing some worthy choices.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Hanging out somewhere around #50. That’s where. Thoroughly mediocre cereal. At a free continental breakfast I would skip over the GGs and just eat a banana.

      2. Dopameanie*

        No lie, I went back and forth a couple times on 1st and 2nd place. LC finally broke the tie by having marshmallows. I kinda think milk choice can flip it tho. Whole milk is better paired with CTC than LC. Skim is the reverse.

        Alpha-bits are delicious nutritional AND educational. Homerun breakfast choice.

        And my list omits NOTHING. Your choice that didn’t make the breakfast varsity league can just cool it’s heels in JV, where it’s second rate flavor belongs.

        1. Loopy*

          The urge to fight it out online has never been more real.

          I’m still not going to write an essay on the virtues and superiority of my cereal choices, but the struggle was real for about 30 seconds!

            1. Loopy*

              Well then, I shall return with “The Most Proper Cereal Ranking, As Nature Intended: A Manifesto”

    11. LCL*

      1 Apple Jacks
      2 Apple Jacks
      3 Apple Jacks
      4 Apple Jacks
      5 Apple Jacks
      6 Apple Jacks
      7 Apple Jacks
      8 Apple Jacks
      9 captain crunch
      10 Froot Loops
      Never in a million years: lucky charms.

    12. SaraV*

      As a kid, for sugary cereals, Lucky Charms was my #1 choice. Alas, my parents weren’t keen about sugary cereals, so having Lucky Charms was a treat.

      I will no longer eat Honey Nut Cheerios. That was the “acceptable” sweet cereal in my family, and I’ve eaten way too much of it. Regular Cheerios I will still eat.

      I don’t know if I have an absolute favorite cereal. Depends on what mood I’m in or what’s on sale. So, roll the 5-sided die on Raisin Bran, Kix, Cheerios, Rice Chex, and if I do want sugary…Golden Grahams.

    13. Parenthetically*

      No sorry, if you don’t put Honey Bunches of Oats as #1, you are Objectively, Tragically, Comprehensively Wrong.

      ;)

      1. Dopameanie*

        HBoO is top 20, sure, but I don’t like the milk-to-cereal ratio you’re stuck with due to the size of the Bunches.

        Therefore they are SCIENTIFICALLY INFERIOR CEREAL!

        1. Parenthetically*

          But you HAVE to weight it more heavily due to those cinnamon sparkle flakes, which are God’s Own Flakes.

          2. Dopameanie*

            The sparkles are what brought it up so high in the first place! You can’t win the championship with only one fantastic team member. Michael Jordan carried the Wizards a long way, but they fell short in the end. Same happened here.

    14. CatCat*

      Your top three are solid, but you are wrong on Applejacks. They belong up in the top 10 and fruity pebbles should be out.

      Cinnamon Toast Crunch is my #1. Like everything else is distant on the list after that one. It’s the entire reason I don’t buy cereal because I would just eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch for every single meal. I’ve done that before.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I am never wrong. I tell my husband so all the time.

        I am Not To Be Trusted with 1-4 in my house. I’ll forego supper to eat 3 breakfasts a day.

    15. Middle School Teacher*

      One of my supreme pleasures in life is, on weekdays I’m not at work (like over spring break), I watch Price is Right and have Lucky Charms. I get the 80-year-old and 6-year-old sides of my personalities satisfied at the same time.

      2. Mananana*

        I haven’t had LCs in YEARS…. but I now must buy some for my next day off. And I will eat by big ol’ bowl of LCs whilst watching The Price is Right. In my pajamas. Thank you for the inspiration.

    16. what's my name again?*

      1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
      2. Honey Bunches of Oats.
      3. Apple Jacks.
      4. Cracklin’ Oat Bran (expensive so never get it).

      If none of these are available, I’ll get something else.
      As a kid, I loved Cap’n Crunch.
      French Toast Crunch is too sweet.
      Sugar Crisp or Honey Crisp or whatever they call it now was always too sticky.

      Never liked Lucky Charms or Alpha Bits, mainly because without the marshmallows, it seemed like I was eating dog or cat food. Which reminds me, Grape Nuts in my world equates to fish-tank gravel, same as Fruity Pebbles.

    17. Dr. KMnO4*

      1. Cheerios, dry, with a glass of orange juice on the side
      There is nothing else that is even worthy of making the list. XP

      1. Dopameanie*

        Ok, first of all, is your arch nemesis dissolved manganese in municipal water systems?
        Second, the type/flavor of Cheerios you’re eating matters quite a bit in how Judgy I’m gonna be about your list.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          I’m a chemist, and KMnO4 (aka Potassium Permanganate) is my favorite chemical. It makes a beautiful deep purple solution. And Manganese is a very cool element in general.

          I only eat regular Cheerios. As far as I am concerned there are no other Cheerios. They are all pretenders.

          The day Cheerios went gluten free I was ecstatic, and I might have hugged the box all throughout the grocery store.

          1. Chameleon*

            I used to have to use KMnO4 as a tissue stain in grad school. Everytime I used it I thought it was the geekiest way to wish someone a Merry Christmas (because…no L).

          2. Dopameanie*

            Huh. I never knew it had any other uses besides treating drinking water for excessive manganese. Interesting !

            1. Dr. KMnO4*

              It does some cool reactions. It’s a good oxidizer. KMnO4 plus oxalic acid is neat; it reacts well with Fe2+ as well.

    18. Why does it have to be a fight?*

      I don’t care about cereal. I just want to mention how off-putting it is to see these comments most every week that scream “FIGHT ME!!” at the end. Plenty of people respond, so I guess a lot of people like to fight. But I personally find it off-putting and not in the spirit of collegial discussion (which is what I usually enjoy about this comment section.)

      1. Dopameanie*

        Then, I mean…there’s a whole rest of the comment section? I don’t pick fights in other comment threads. Everyone in this thread is opting in. This comment is the equivalent of attending a boxing match and complaining that the boxers aren’t getting along.

        1. Corrupted by Coffee*

          I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your weekly fights, and read them aloud to my husband.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Aw! Thank you! I enjoy it immensely. You can come over for a bowl of Lucky Charms anytime. (Because I always have some available)

      2. Oxford Coma*

        “Fight me” is a meme used when discussing silly, inconsequential things that people tend to Strongly Opine about. There is context and history there, it isn’t actually the OP baying for (written) blood.

      3. Thursday Next*

        Tone can be hard to gauge from online all caps. But I don’t think anyone on this thread is fighting—just welcoming the chance for some silliness. :=)

        1. Why does it have to be a fight?*

          “I don’t think anyone on this thread is fighting”
          Dopameanie’s response to me had a rather confrontation tone – questioning why I even responded to this thread. Clearly, not welcoming a difference of opinion, but rather interested in a fight (which was my point).

          1. Dopameanie*

            Ok then. I encourage you to glare disapprovingly at your screen every Saturday when you see my username, and then click the “collapse thread” button while scrolling. For the record, I personally find jazz music off putting. So I don’t frequent jazz clubs.

          2. Slartibartfast*

            This isn’t fighting so much as sparring, and some of us enjoy it. Particularly when your job involves having to be nice to really stupid people, it’s a nice stress relief. If it’s not for you, then post on another thread. I mean no disrespect and I saw nothing confrontational in Dopameanies response.

            1. Why does it have to be a fight?*

              Fighting and sparring are two different things. Sparring is something that is done for sport and generally, the two shake hands (or bow) afterwards out of respect for each other. Dopameanie specifically used a boxing reference and said the two people hate each other. In sparring, the two people don’t hate each other. That was my point in my original post where I said that fighting (two boxers hating each other) is not in the spirit of collegial debate that this comment section is known for.

              It seems to me that neither you nor Dopameanie are interested in sparring (which in the verbal sense, I would define as respectful disagreement, but we all go home friends. In other words, collegial debate)*. You both basically told me to take my toys and go home. Help me understand how telling me to quit reading/commenting is in the spirit of a good spar. I mean that as a sincere inquiry.

              *I did not get that impression from other commenters who disagreed with me. Other commenters disagreed – some with supporting evidence, others without. But either way, it was basically, “I respect your opinion, but here is my opinion.” As opposed to, “Here’s my opinion. If you disagree, quit reading and commenting.”

              1. Slartibartfast*

                This is a public space, so you’re welcome to comment, or not, as you wish. But I find it rather disrespectful that you come here and try to derail a thread that many of us enjoy. If this isn’t for you, fine. But let the rest of us have our fun, please.

                1. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  I apologize for being disrespectful. That was not my intent at all. In fact, I have specifically tried to remain respectful. In the initial post, Dopemeanie said, “FIGHT ME!” In other words, DOPAMEANIE SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR DISAGREEMENT. But now you are saying that by disagreeing, I am being disrespectful.

                  I genuinely don’t understand how my disagreement, on a thread of serial fighters (pun intended), is ruining your fun. The thread solicited disagreement. I disagreed. Several have acknowledged that they ENJOY fighting. Now disagreement is ruining your fun?

              2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I’m going to step in here before this gets too derailing. Not every thread here will be for everyone, and that’s okay! (And unavoidable, with a big commenting community.)

                If other people are enjoying the topic and it’s not hateful in some way (or about politics, which lately can be the same thing), it’s allowed here. The best thing to do if it’s not for you is to skip it, collapse the thread, etc.

                1. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  With all due respect, Alison, fighting is, by definition, hateful. The OP of this thread said it was similar to two boxers hating each other.
                  I don’t have a problem with bantering back and forth – I enjoy it myself sometimes. My original comment was related to the word choice of fighting, as opposed to something else (like maybe bantering). I did not believe this was a hateful thread until OP responded to tell me that this was in fact a thread about people hating each other (reference boxer comment), and the only reason I didn’t understand it was because two fighters hate each other and I’m questioning why they hate each other. That seems like a lot of hate for something that is consider not hateful.

                3. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  Can you clarify the commenting rules for me, please? If someone tells a joke that I don’t find funny, in fact based on the climate of the world I find it distasteful, can I politely point that out?

                5. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  What is legitimately offensive? I mean, if one person is offended but others aren’t, does that mean it’s not legitimately offensive? Or does it just depend if you aren’t offend (since it’s your blog)? I’m just trying get a grasp on it.
                  I mean, there have been some issues that offend other people and I roll my eyes at it but I respect that it’s offensive to them so I leave it alone. (Which is what I expected would happen in this cause).
                  We all come from different backgrounds, countries, generations, etc. It sounds like you are saying that this is not a legitimate thing to be offended about just because it’s not something you would be offended about.
                  If that’s the threshold for offensive (whether Alison would take offense to it), that’s fine. I’m just trying to get a handle it.

                6. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I’m referring to sexist, racist, homophobic, or other commonly recognized categories of hate speech. But yes, ultimately someone has to be the arbiter of what flies here, and since it’s my site, that means it’s me.

                  That doesn’t mean that I’m the final arbiter of what’s offensive; you get to be offended by anything you want! But I might ask you to move on if I judge that it’s derailing the comment section.

                7. Thursday Next*

                  With respect, and at the risk of derailing (and turning serious) this thread, “fighting” need not be hateful by definition. When we speak of people “fighting for their rights,” we are talking about *challenges* to what is hateful. Sometimes these “fights” are more peaceful than the regimes they resist (think Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr.).

                  We also use the word “bout” in place of “fight” to refer to boxing—it’s clear, then, that what is being discussed is sport, not animosity. (I don’t like boxing, but I also dislike American football. Still, I recognize that both are sports, not true battles.)

                  This thread is sport! It’s all in jest, tongue in cheek. You’re welcome to join in the fun, or refrain; it’s your call.

                8. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  Thursday Next,
                  You are correct that when people are “fighting for their rights” or similar use of the word fighting, it is not always hateful. Do you agree that it is angry? People don’t “fight” when they are happy. Nor do people “Fight for their rights” for the sport of it. They do it because it something that matters deeply to them. If this is a jestful sport, why are we using all caps commands about fighting (which is a very strong word)?

                  “You’re welcome to join in the fun, or refrain; it’s your call.”
                  I’ve joined in, in case you haven’t realized that.

                  I agree with you that boxing is a sport. Dopameanie suggested that this was like a boxing match where the two opponents hate each other. That is not my experience with any sport, including martial arts, that I’ve participated in.

                  I believe this level of hate and fighting is one of the huge problems we have in our society, which is why I find the phrase problematic. People die from fighting. People die from hateful actions. People don’t generally die (or even get hurt) from jestful banter. What I found off-putting in the beginning is the words we are using, not the activity that is going on.

          3. Forrest*

            I don’t see where this “confrontation tone” is, unless responding at all was enough to count.

            I mean, what were you expecting her to say? It was a clearly a joke, everyone else took it as a joke, and, well, if you don’t like it, keep scrolling really is your only solution.

            1. Why does it have to be a fight?*

              Thank you for asking. I’m happy to oblige…
              “Ok then. I encourage you to glare disapprovingly at your screen every Saturday when you see my username, and then click the “collapse thread” button while scrolling.”
              Sarcasm is confrontational.

              Several people (including Dopameanie and you, I might add) suggested I should quit reading and commenting. That’s not exactly playing nice (which is a commenting rule, BTW)

              And no, I don’t consider “commenting at all” to be confrontational. There were several who disagreed with me, and I’m fine with that. The tone was sort like, “I think this. You think that. We disagree, but we move on.” That’s perfectly fine (and what I expected from everyone who disagreed).

              “Clearly it was a joke”
              Clearly, I didn’t think it was funny. Just because everyone else thinks it’s funny, doesn’t mean I have to.

              “If you don’t like it, keep scrolling really is your only solution.”
              Dopameanie was seeking disagreement. I disagreed. If everyone who disagreed with her kept scrolling, the thread would have lost it’s point.

              Does that answer your question?

              1. Forrest*

                “Sarcasm is confrontational.”

                No it’s not. I mean, maybe to you that is but it’s an outside the norm opinion. I think you’re just looking for things that aren’t there.

                Another of you looking for things that aren’t there is imagining us saying you should stop reading and commenting. Neither of us said that. We said you didn’t have to respond to this particular comment.

                And oh come off that. She was seeking disagreement on cereal, not if you like the “fight me” joke. You didn’t comment on the topic she was seeking disagreement on! In fact, disregarding her whole comment – you said you didn’t even care about the topic she was seeking disagreement on – just to nitpick on something harmless *is confrontational.* At least much more so than her response to you.

                1. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  Sarcasm is disguised anger. In psychology, they call it a defense mechanism. If you google, “sarcasm defense mechanism,” you can learn more about it and find that this is not outside the norm opinion, but rather is highly accepted.
                  You are correct that no one specifically said, “Don’t read this.” But people said I should avoid this thread, keep scrolling, etc. That is what I’m talking about. Rather than saying, “I respect your opinion, but disagree,” the response was, “If you don’t like it, quit commenting.” Big difference in terms of confrontation level.
                  Slatibart specifically said, “Post on another thread,” But then later said, “You’re welcome to comment or not.” I think her change of attitude is noteworthy and I do want to acknowledge that.
                  You are correct that I said I didn’t want to discuss cereal. I’ll let you read upthread to see why I thought “FIGHT ME!” was problematic. I did not mean to nitpick wording. I have seen hundreds of time on this blog over the year, where people say things like, “That seems a little harsh in this case.” Or “___ is no longer an acceptable term for that group of people.” I think fighting fits in that category. I think fighting today, specifically cyber-fighting, is different than it was 10-20 years ago. And I expected that this would be perceived similar to those comments (some people agree, some don’t, but no one gets too twisted up about it). Clearly, I was wrong on that regard.
                  I would disagree that my original comment was confrontational. I respect that you perceived it that way, but it was not my intent at all. However, I would agree that you could find certain aspects of later comments that were confrontational. But remember that was after I had been told that the people on this thread ENJOY arguing and that this thread is fighting as a sport. At this point, I figure there is at least a 50-50 chance you are responding to me, not because you truly disagree, but because you enjoy a good fight and are looking for sport. (I would not say that about other threads on AAM)

                2. Forrest*

                  Oh for fuck sake.

                  I do appreciate you dropped the “she asked for disagreement” excuse though.

                  I’ll leave on this: if sarcasm is a defense mechanism, that means you came off agressive and confrontational to her. Something I would agree with.

                4. Why does it have to be a fight?*

                  I respect your request until Forrest asked a very specific question that was addressed to me. She asked that after your request, BTW. I felt it would’ve been rude not to address it. It was not a general comment – it was a specific question of me. Hence, my response after your request.

      5. MotherRunner*

        Pretty sure this is all in jest. Mostly because if dopameanie was serious with this list, Cinnamon Toast Crunch would be number 1.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Captain Crunch’s Battalion has WAY more recruits than I was expecting.

          I do find it telling, though, that not a SINGLE person has come to the defense of Cookie Crisp. We can all rally against THAT flag.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Nah. Honeycomb is a rip-off. Doesn’t taste like honey, and you are paying for the holes! That’s how they get you.

    20. Slartibartfast*

      When I was a child, I thought Grape-nuts were toasted grape seeds.
      Adult me remains unconvinced that child me was wrong.

    21. Chameleon*

      1. Cinnamon Life as long as you eat it within the first 2 minutes of adding in milk
      2. Corn Pops
      3. Lucky Charms separated so you only have to eat the marshmallow part
      4. Regular Life with the same stipulation as above
      5. Quaker Oat Squares
      6. Kellogg’s Raisin Bran (but not that Post crap)
      .
      .
      .
      9999. Life Cereal after the milk has been in it for 2 minutes and one second

      2. Dopameanie*

        Life could’ve been a contender if it hadn’t been for the Sogginess Quotient.

        UNRELATED: I knew a kid once who thought he was *not allowed* to eat cinnamon life because he was white, and black people weren’t allowed to eat regular life. Because the people on the cinnamon box were black and the people on the regular box were white. In his defense, this was kindergarten. Little kids are WEIRD.

        1. TL -*

          This is why representation matters!
          (I mean, not the best examples, I get that, but kids absolutely absorb these messages.)

    22. Moose Javian*

      I was shocked when I saw Cinnamon Toast Crunch was #3 on your list, and then I was appalled when others (more than one!) said CTC should be #1. Where are your taste buds, people?!?!
      [All other original rankings are pretty fair, actually. Although I’d sneak a Corn Pops somewhere in the top 15.]

      1. Dopameanie*

        So I seriously underestimated the Captain Crunch Battalion this week. You people are INTENSE. I respect that. Not enough to turn down a bowl of LC to eat a bowl of CTC (because I have my priorities straight) but I would be willing to get you another spoon if you dropped yours.

    23. Roja*

      I will totally take on this fight!!

      1. Captain Crunch
      2. Cinnamon Life
      3. Frosted Mini-Wheats
      4. Honey Nut Cheerios
      5. Cocoa Krispies

      6-100 everything else
      101 Literal Sawdust
      102 Lucky Charms

      1. Dopameanie*

        Imma come over there on a Red Balloon and shove a spoonful of Magic Horseshoes into your blasphemous face, until a Rainbow shoots out the other end.

        This Insult Shall Not Stand!!

        1. Roja*

          Ha! I’d like to see you try!

          Actually, it was rather funny when I was a kid since most kids I knew went snake over Lucky Charms and I always hated them. We didn’t do cereal in my family for the most part, unless it was vacation, in which case we got PB Captain Crunch. I will always adore it… and its healthier counterpart, PB Puffins, which are also delicious.

    24. Canadian Natasha*

      Well, milk in its standard form is blech unless it’s used to make a latte so that makes cereal only so-so in general. But I gonna have to nix all the cereals on your list anyway because they suck. The proper list should read:
      1. Corn Pops
      2. Crispix
      3. Quaker Oat Squares
      That is all.
      ;)

      1. Dopameanie*

        You’re gonna @ me with some lame-o CRISPIX? You are bringing a toaster to a gunfight here. I’ll be charitable and assume your tastebuds were burned off in a tragic pop-tart accident and that’s why your priorities are so out of touch with reality.

        1. Canadian Natasha*

          Anything involving pop tarts is tragic by definition. The next fight-me topic could be whether pop tarts count as actual food or just chemical flavoured grossness. Just sayin’.

          Also Crispix are essential in any nuts and bolts party mix worth its salt. Are you going to stick your lame cardboard marshmallow cereal in that? No way.
          :P

          1. Dopameanie*

            First of all, I can’t do a fight-me over pop-tarts because I’d have to research all the different flavors and I’m not willing to put my mouth through that.

            Second, you aren’t talking about a bowl of cereal with crispix then, you’re talking about an ingredient. You’re most likely still WRONG, but the list will look different if it is ranking ingredients rather than meals.

            Third, I am totally willing to take fight-me suggestions.

      3. Emily*

        Oatmeal squares are one of my favorites! I am solidly in the grandpa cereals camp (my other favorite is Great Grains), but when it comes to junky sugar cereals, Lucky Charms are near the top.

    25. TL -*

      1. 2 – no more, no less- – gluten free Weetbix with honey and milk (2% and whole are both acceptable).
      2. See #1
      3. Before I had food allergies, Grape-Nuts with honey and milk (again, 2% or whole.) The addition of a sliced banana is permissible but frowned upon.

      1. Dopameanie*

        If you are adding honey to your cereal, you are leading a wildly different lifestyle than me. I suppose your socks always match and you hold opinions on different brands of Egyptian cotton. Perhaps you have fresh cut flowers on your breakfast-eating table as well, and know how to pronounce endive. This is not my cereal experience. I cannot comment on your choice, but I can aspire to it.

        Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to wash a single dirty spoon because I don’t wanna do the dishes before breakfast.

        1. TL -*

          My socks never match because I simply haven’t the time to worry about such trivialities.

          As for the dirty spoon, simply ask your maid to do his job and wash the dishes in a more timely manner.

      1. TL -*

        I don’t know where you are but gluten free weetbix is far superior to anything else I’ve tried, if you can get your hands on it. It has actual texture and good taste.

      2. Dopameanie*

        I’m sorry! Truly, the gluten sensitivity robs its victims of the best stuff you can shove in your mouth :(

          1. Dopameanie*

            Well if it’s got shallots then you automatically know it’s not worth shoving.

      1. Dopameanie*

        OH MAN I had that chocolat au pain thing recently! It was incredible. It struck me as more of a lunch food tho. If anywhere close to me sold them fresh from the oven, you would probably see my nose-print on the glass window of the store front.

    28. The RO-Cat*

      I don’t eat cereals at all, but I enjoyed this week’s fight quite a bunch. Nice to sit some fights out and just applaud the skilled fighters!

    29. JamieS*

      Honey nut cheerios and frosted flakes are revolting, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is good, and I have no opinion on the rest other than saying that reading that list gave me a toothache.

      1. Dopameanie*

        HBoO was addressed up thread by Parenthetically (sp?) but to summarize, the honey, bunches, and oats are all coasting on their Star Player of cinnamon sparkle flakes. These flakes are indeed a treat for the tastebuds but cannot overcome the mediocrity of the rest of the team. Top 20 cereal, award winning cereal of the JV team, even. Scientifically proven inferior to the top 10 tho.

  43. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I have to check “my” Germans because of that truck attack. My mom still has close colleagues there even though she is now retired, and I also know people from my exchange trips.

    But when I was little, my mom would take me to Germany with her when she would go in summers to run a high school exchange, and we would stay with and meet many of her German counterparts, who were really cool people. They’d call on holidays, send gifts to my parents, brother, and I, and always be talking to my parents by email. Like having a bunch of uncles.

    I do hope everyone is all right. Of course the odds are vanishingly small, but they might be pretty upset anyway.

    1. Fernweh*

      Oh wow, I didn’t even know there had been an attack until I read your comment! Today was the first real day of spring here and where I live, the whole city was full of people – all the street cafés were full, lots of families and students were in the parks, everyone was just out and about and enjoying the sunlight… the good mood was tangible. The thought that something could happen crossed my mind though, just because of the dense crowds. I’m very sad that attack happened in Münster.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Can I just say I want your weather? It is about 21F (maybe -5 C) and snow in Minnesota today!

      2. Tau*

        Same! I was visiting relatives in Hanover this weekend and did some cycling to enjoy the sunshine (we do seem to be heading straight from winter into summer right now). I had no idea something had happened… my thoughts are with the people in Münster. :(

  44. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    The kittens chewed on my headphone wires. Still attached but the electrical part is exposed. And it’s hard to work out without working music!

    It’s a good thing they’re so cute! My tuxedo kitty especially. She is such a happy little girl- constantly purring any time she’s awake unless she’s super upset or hiding under the bed.

    1. Nicole76*

      Do they still work? If so, try wrapping electrical tape around the exposed wires. I did that after my dog chewed my iPhone cord and it’s been working fine since.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Ha! reminds me of my older kitty when she was little – she chewed on cords. We tried everything to get her to stop and nothing worked. What did work was one day I was listening to music in my room with speakers, and she was under the bed (where cords were). Next thing I knew, I heard a sharp unhappy meow, she came streaking out from under the bed to run to mom, and my speakers weren’t working right. I inspected the speaker cord and found toothmarks. She’d chewed the speaker cord and shocked herself! She’s 18 now and hasn’t chewed a cord since.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      One of my cats chewed on cords when she was a kitten. My manager recommended coating the cords with Vick’s Vapo-Rub. Worked like a charm!

      1. Merci Dee*

        Every once in a while, I have to doctor a couple of my cords with tea tree oil to keep my mouthy cat at bay.

      2. Kuododi*

        Ive had good luck in the past with using.cayenne pepper to keep kitties off areas/things that are not feline appropriate. DS (Dear Sister) has used paper towels soaked in either white vinegar or vodka to keep little furballs away from electrical cords. ;)

      3. Windchime*

        Oh wow, I wish I had known this when Kitty was little. He chewed on cords like crazy. I had been told about bitter apple spray and I tried that, but it didn’t really deter him at all. Fortunately, he outgrew it. But he’s 5 years old now and I caught him chewing on Christmas tree lights in December, so……

    4. Rynn*

      My cat who loves chewing cords also loves chewing plastic drinking straws and catgrass, and that keeps him from going after the cords quite so much. He is also very calm and cuddly, so at least the bad habit seems to come with a good temperament!

    5. Just a Concerned Third Party*

      If they don’t still work, do you think it would be worth trying to fix them? If they’re a good pair of headphones and only the cable is damaged, a basic soldering iron and repair kit (solder, heat-shrink) can take you a long way on a small amount of money.

  45. Sami*

    Have tickets for Book of Mormon tonight!

    Being hearing about it for so long and all the reviews seem to rave about it, hopefully my expectations haven’t been raised too high!

    1. Thursday Next*

      Enjoy! I had so much fun. When I went to see Book of Mormon, it was my first outing after a particularly difficult few weeks, and it really lifted me up.

    4. Jen RO*

      I saw it 2 weeks ago in London and, while the actor playing Elder Cunnigham was not my cup of tea, I laughed my ass off for the whole night. Enjoy!

    5. Teach*

      It’s SO NAUGHTY but so well done. Crazy offensive, but when you see the bigger message, what they are satirizing is pretty offensive, too. I’ve never had the “extra-loud involuntary guffaw in public” reaction in any other Broadway show…

    6. Jemima Bond*

      I really enjoyed it and I have a fairly low tolerance for musicals – all that over-emoting and jazz hands….ugh. TBOM was hilarious enough to override this.

  46. nep*

    Anyone paying attention to the Commonwealth Games?
    Bravo t0 Maude Charron, Jack Oliver, Zoe Smith (gold, silver, silver in weightlifting) and all other weightlifters.
    Rooting for Sarah Davies, Pip Malone…all of them. Their hard work is infinitely inspiring.

    1. Monroe*

      I want to watch the weightlifting when I get a moment. Do you know if there’s video of the full competition uploaded anywhere? There’s nothing on the Commonwealth Games YouTube channel though I can find clips elsewhere.

      1. nep*

        I’ve not found that yet. I can see on the schedule page there is a clickable ‘Weightlifting Live Now’. But because of the hours I’m also looking for somewhere to watch vids of the past few days’ events. Looking forward to the women’s 69kg but I’ll be in bed when that’s live.

    2. nep*

      If anyone’s interested, the great Michaela Breeze has vids of some of the lifts (including GOLD medalist Emily Godley) on her Instagram, as she’s one of the commentators/announcers at the games.

  47. Al Lo*

    Ugh, today. I’m not personally affected by the hockey player bus crash in Saskatchewan, but I have many friends and acquaintances with deep hockey backgrounds, and even more with bus travel experiences, with performing groups, church groups, other sports teams; and I know people who are connected to that team.

    And then, my sister texted me this morning to tell me that her husband’s (26-year-old) brother was killed in a snowmobile accident yesterday.

    And it’s snowing again. Still.

    I’m at some good, fun, productive work meetings today, but it still feels like an “off” day.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      What a horrific accident, my heart goes out to the families, friends and communities. I imagine this hits a lot of Canadians hard. My sympathy on the loss of your brother in law. I hope you can take some time to be kind to yourself this weekend.

    2. nep*

      So sorry for your and your loved ones’ grief.
      Given the wreckage of that bus/truck crash, it is really astounding anyone survived. Heaven help those families.

  48. Thursday Next*

    How old is too old to experience Imposter Syndrome? I think I’m too old…

    I’m having a resurgence of it right now. Im the kind of person who feels IS at certain cocktail parties and will prepare for them beforehand—or feel inadequate during.

    I don’t want to talk about The Thing We Don’t Talk about on Weekends per se. Just wondering if anyone has any tips for checking their IS at the door.

    1. OK*

      No tips. But I don’t think imposter syndrome knows any age. There will always be situations that we get nervous about and think we aren’t as good, as pretty, as interesting as everyone else and everyone will “know we don’t really belong there”.

    2. nep*

      I don’t think there’s an upper age limit to that.
      I think it’s common for a lot of humans. I’m up there in years and I sure have waves of it, too. What helps me is to focus on people I admire who have grace, do their thing, and just don’t give a F* what anyone thinks.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Never too old. My boss even told me about how his father wanted to quit a brand-new job after three weeks because he “felt like a fraud”. Boss’s dad is in his 70s.

    4. fposte*

      I don’t know that that’s imposter syndrome so much as just not feeling socially comfortable, and I think that’s pretty common even among older age groups. However, I do think there’s a wry irony in your first sentence, where you feel like an imposter for having imposter syndrome.

      I think the key with social situations is intentionality. Since the worst part is feeling like you don’t know what to do, give yourself specific things to do. Don’t hover at an edge hoping for something to happen–either stand proudly alone with your hummus and enjoy some quiet time while you look out the window, or walk up to people in lively conversation and say “Hey, it sounds like you’ve seen Wrinkle in Time. Did you like it? Should I go?” Stick to groups of three or more unless you already know the people well. Also go ahead and introduce yourself to people you don’t know. “Hi, I’m Thursday, and I know the host from underwater water polo.” Keep conversations short if they’re not really taking off, and BYO exit lines–you don’t have to stand there if you’ve walked into the wrong conversation or if one peters out. “I promised I’d help in the kitchen/I think a teammate just arrived/I can’t believe I missed the shrimp–nice talking to you!”

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thank you for the generosity of that “wry”…

        I really like the idea of approaching with intentionality—and the phrasing of “BYO exit lines.” I guess I’m most challenged by being involved in fields that tend to blur the line between work and social events and conversation. Sometimes I just want to have a glass of wine and talk about Call the Midwife, and not My Current Project. But a lot of the people I encounter don’t seem to share that view.

    5. nep*

      (In social situations, listen more than you talk. You don’t have to say much so don’t worry about having smart or cool things to say…Most people love to be listened to so sometimes it’s enough just to put a question or two and listen well.)

      1. Thursday Next*

        Oh yes, this is what I do already. It really is quite helpful, and I’m more of a listener than a talker anyway. But I feel a bit self-conscious that someone will notice I’m not contributing more actively.

        1. nep*

          I see. I hear you there.
          Helps me to just chuck the ego — because when it really comes down to it it’s all ego.
          (Often easier said than done, I know.)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I solved this one by not going to cocktail parties. Seriously.

      I don’t drink, personal health choice.
      It’s not my idea of fun to be in a loud room with a mass of people I cannot hear. “What? What? What?” Not fun.

      I don’t get anything out of it. I prefer one-on-one conversations or small group conversations…. where I can actually hear what is being said.

      I don’t care for standing for hours, but I always think to myself that someone else needs a chair more than I do. I end up standing.

      It’s just not a format for interaction that I enjoy. I much prefer an activity or a small get-together.

      1. nep*

        Same. For countless reasons I wouldn’t go to a cocktail party if my life depended on it.

    7. Reba*

      Thursday Next, I don’t mean to make light of your situation but I am enjoying the irony — and I hope you can too — that you are experiencing impostor syndrome about your impostor syndrome.

      What are the consequences you are worried about when you say you will “feel inadequate”? Embarrassment (what for?), not making an impression on people (who?)… What would really happen if those consequences occurred?

      Does it help to remember that most people aren’t thinking about us they way we think about ourselves and analyze every little thing that may not have even registered to someone else?

      1. Thursday Next*

        Ha! That first sentence of my post is a great encapsulation of my ruminative, self-doubting personality. I could show it to my therapist, and she’d say, “Yep. That’s Thursday in a nutshell!”

        You’re absolutely right to suggest I question the consequences of “inadequacy.” I think because there’s a lot of overlap between my work and social circles, I’m afraid that social inadequacy will lead to professional…what, exactly? I don’t know. I need to question my fears more!

  49. Nervous Accountant*

    I got a tooth extracted about 10 days ago. I was healing pretty well from Tuesday-Friday and then progress was stagnant. I went back to the dentist twice for a follow up this week and got pain meds.

    Pain meds still don’t alleviate the pain, and it still hurts to open my jaw fully. The dentist said this is all normal given that I’m diabetic and healing takes longer. I’m supplementing the coedine with regular otc meds but I’m super worried that even the coedine doesn’t stop the pain.

    1. VioletDaffodil*

      I am sorry you aren’t feeling well! I don’t pretend to be an expert about this, but if I recall correctly, different types of pain medication work on the body in different ways and in certain circumstances one might just not be as effective. Could they try you on something different aside from the coedine to see if that is more effective?

      1. Kuododi*

        I don’t know what post op eating instructions you were given. My mother had a tooth extracted approx two weeks ago. For the first week shes been on cold soft foods only. (Ice cream, plain yogurt with blended fruit, chilled nutrition drinks etc). For the most part she’s back on solid foods except for the obvious no crunchy hard things such as chips, popcorn, nuts and the like. She additionally has been forbidden to chew gum. Needless to say between her dementia and her life long eating/food issues…these have been way too many restrictions for her at any one time. She’s been healing very well in spite of her efforts to sabotage!!!! Hope this helps….

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          Nothing hot hard or spicy which I’ve been following. On Thursday he said I can slowly add back regular food.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I had my fifth tooth taken out yesterday. I have two more to go.

      My dentist also does natural stuff. I am taking very high doses of vitamin D and vitamin K which help with pain. I am also taking turmeric made by Gaia. Turmeric lessens pain. I do have some pain but it’s not more than say a bruised knee.
      I have taken some ibuprofen but not a lot.
      Make sure you are getting water, don’t stop the water. Proper hydration can help lessen pain. It’s important not to skate by this one.
      Use straws.
      Are you trying to eat foods that are hard to chew? If yes, maybe dial that back for a bit. I was surprised here. I started feeling better so I had an apple. noooooo. I could not handle the apple. Healing takes time.

      Try ice packing it, from the outside of your face of course. Maybe do 10 minutes on then 10 minutes off for a short bit.
      With this tooth I have no problem opening my jaw, but the last tooth he did wow. I was scrunching around trying to figure out how to angle my mouth to get food into my mouth. I gave up and went back to straws.

      FWIW, coedine never did anything for me. They gave me coedine when I fell off a motorcycle at 60 mph. It did not touch the pain. I felt if I said anything they would just accuse me of trying to get other drugs. No, i just wanted something that actually worked. I threw the coedine out.

      1. only acting normal*

        Some people don’t metabolise codeine well so get no benefit – those people have my greatest sympathies because it is my go to for severe pain. :(

        It’s something to do with digestive/liver enzyme phenotype (? IANAD)- might be worth investigating if you anticipate needing to request alternatives in future.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ahh…. good to know. Interesting you should mention this. Years later I got involved in alternatives and like you are saying I do have digestive track problems, that start with my misaligned teeth that don’t break up food very well. Soups are good for me because the food is broken down to a level my body can deal with. And I have had other things fixed also.
          Thanks for shedding light on this one for me! This fits in well with my bigger picture story.

        2. Lindsay J*

          Hmm, does this apply to local anesthesia, too?

          My last dental appointment they had to re-inject the anesthesia several times before I became numb, and then it wore off way more quickly than they were anticipating.

          I used to get cavities filled without the local anesthetic because I was afraid of the giant needles and thought they hurt more than the cavities themselves, but now for root canals I need something and the anesthetic isn’t working at all. It took probably about an hour of injecting, waiting, assuming I was numb, attempting to start work, finding out that I was not numb, waiting, injecting, waiting, assuming I was numb etc before I finally did get numb, and then it wore off in about 20 minutes! It was incredibly frustrating for me, and I assume for the dentist as well.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            The dentist I have now really pays attention to numbing up. He will poke at my gums and teeth, “Can you feel this?”
            He’s the first dentist that ever thorough numbed my mouth. Other dentists did not wait long enough and I suspect they did not use enough stuff.

    3. valentine*

      Ask your dentist to investigate dry socket or a remaining piece of tooth, or even to refer you to an oral surgeon.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        It is the oral surgeon I’m seeing. He said it wasn’t dry socket on the first follow up but put a packing anyway. I got relief that day but that was it.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      When I had a dry socket ( infected wisdom tooth extraction) biting on a used tea bag brought some relief. Nothing else touched it.

  50. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Last day of Passover and I am so looking forward to dinner tonight, if only because we’re low on groceries in the house and I’m tired of cooking and my boyfriend, who really is a trouper, has gotten kind of whiny with matzo overload. I have also let my diet go completely off the rails (which everyone needs once in a while) and it will be much easier to manage once I’m less limited.

    1. Bluebell*

      Oh – I was going to start a “happy Passover is almost over” thread. Is there anything you tried this year that you really liked? This was the first year we had a spiralizer and made some yummy sweet potato noodles with arugula, walnuts, garlic and roasted cherry tomatoes. And a delicious caramelized mushrooms with warm kale salad. Still, I’ll be happy to eat bread tonight.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I made a matzo kugel with farfel that was really good: caramelized onions, mushrooms, artichoke hearts. Lots of lemon. It lasted through several lunches. I also remembered that I make a mean tortilla espanola, so last Sunday we had that with roasted leeks and it was really yummy.

        This year, for the first time ever, we incorporated some kitniyot. My boyfriend is a vegetarian and he’s been weight training, so he didn’t want to go without the protein. I made myself feel more at ease by only making lentils, so last night I made a shepherd’s pie. I’ve done that before for Passover, just without the lentils, and it’s really good and satisfying. I’ve also done mashed potato crusts filled with ratatouille and cheese, and that’s always been delicious.

        The best/worst thing about Passover for me is that I eat all kinds of things I never do during the rest of the year. Real butter on my matzo! Real cream cheese! Full-fat cottage cheese because it’s all the store had left! Chocolate every night! It’s a dairy wonderland.

        1. Former Employee*

          I don’t really cook, but at the Sedar I attended, they had had a lovely potato kugel.

          Since I’m vegetarian, my Sedar meal was basically matzoh (with charosis, with moror or plain), salad and the potato kugel.

          Some people remember I’m vegetarian, but think I eat fish. I just remind them that I don’t.

          Passover is no problem for me once it gets going. It’s the prep – the cleaning, covering of counters/refrigerator shelves and the shopping – that frazzles me. It’s a pain when I find something I like and then a few years later, no one has that item or the brand I liked.

          Despite the changes, this year worked out well and the substitutions were all good.

    2. heckofabecca*

      Oh lordy, me too!!! There’s an Italian chain in my area that a lot of the Jews I know go to for pizza and their delicious dinner rolls… I’m looking forward to real pizza!! And real bread!! (I think I had mazta pizza like… 6/8 days.)

      Hope all my fellow Jews celebrating Passover have/had a great first night free of affliction :)

        1. heckofabecca*

          Haha yes!!! We stuffed our faces :3 And we have leftovers for breakfast, since we don’t have cereal yet XD

  51. SciDiver*

    I meant to post this last week but I was too late to the game to get it in–I found out I tested negative for carcinoid syndrome!

    The backstory: I’ve had hot flashes every now and again since I was maybe 15: sudden intense spike in core temperature, overwhelming nausea, feeling faint, vomiting, etc. Doctor had ruled out early-onset menopause, birth control complications, hyperthyroidism, and adverse reaction to certain foods. She ordered a series of tests for me last month and being nosy, I looked up what it tests for. Carcinoid syndrome can cause hot flashes like mine in some people who have advanced cancer (think multiple organs affected, sometimes inoperable, limited life expectancy), and she wanted to test me for it to make sure that wasn’t it. I finally got the results after almost a month of waiting! All the tests came back within normal values, so it’s pretty safe to say the problems aren’t stemming from advanced undetected cancer. Only downside is that we still don’t know why they happen or how to make them less intense/less frequent/stop them altogether. Still such a relief!

    2. Hrovitnir*

      Congratulations! Hot flushes sound mega unpleasant and as someone who overheats already I’m not stoked about the possibility once I get to menopause. Hopefully they can find it’s something that’s treatable and not really awful.

    1. Lissa*

      It’s one of my favourite shows to veg out to! I had some issues with a couple things that happened in the middle seasons but overall really enjoy it. Waiting for the most recent season to come out on Canadian netflix.

  53. Alinea*

    I’m going to Japan for a week and a half at the end of next month, weeee! Oh and Singapore for a few days too, because why not. I know a lot of great advice is already posted here about itineraries and what not so I’ll check those out.

    My question is, for people who can NOT rewear T-shirts/most tops (I’d really love to, but my pits just stink up my shirts, waah) do you just bring a top for every day you’ll be there* or do you take advantage of laundry services**?

    *plus 1-3 tops JIC
    **not at the hotel (too expensive), just somewhere local.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I can sometimes rewear things depending on the weather, but often I’ll take a shirt or two into the shower with me when I’m on vacation and just soap it up in there. I have a couple of sportsy-type shirts that dry very quickly, so I’ll usually shower with those.

    2. Theodoric of York*

      If you can stand wearing nylon shirts, I find that they dry overnight. I generally take 3 shirts and just make sure I wash one in the sink every night.

    3. Nana*

      Have a friend who went to China for 30 days. Went to the nice Thrift Shop & bought 30 T-shirts. Wear and re-cycle. Also…dress shields.

    4. Kat*

      Buy while there? They are likely to have loads of shops that sell cheap tops you can just wear and then leave (bit wasteful, but if you have limited luggage space it might be an option).

    5. Dan*

      I travel for 3-4 weeks at a time. I rewear stuff AND usually do one load of laundry per week.

      Sometimes I plan laundry in advance, but often I’ll do it when it’s convenient… As in oh crap, I just did laundry three days ago, but there’s a place around the corner, so…

      Once in a blue moon, if I *only* need pants washed, the convenience is worth the ripoff hotel prices.

    6. Mephyle*

      Neither. I am a sweat machine and can not rewear anything. I do laundry daily in the hotel sink (for small garments) or bathtub (for larger ones). I bring along a small bar of laundry soap – it’s much more practical to pack than powder or liquid. A bath-size bar lasts over a month. I also bring along a few metres of string (for clothesline), ten or so clothespins, and three or four plastic hangers for drying clothes.
      My target quantity of tops for travel (not yet quite achieved) is three: the one I’ve got on, the one I’ll wear tomorrow, and the one I wore yesterday and washed when I took it off, and it’s now drying. For hot weather travel, it may have to be doubled, since I’ll likely go through two a day.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I had something similar and am a slow healer. The only thing that worked for me was a prescription lanacaine gel. Ask your dentist

    7. Ismis*

      I find it hard to wash things properly in a sink so I got this scrubba:

      https://thescrubba.com.au/

      It’s a bag with an internal scrubbing board, so you pop clothes and water in, along with some detergent (I’ve even used shampoo) and scrub the clothes. Then I pop them on a heater/in front of a window. Of course, this works when you’re staying somewhere for a few days since drying can be slow.

    8. Troutwaxer*

      You should be able to find very cheap laundry services in Singapore, but I’m not sure about Japan. Ask at your hotel in Singapore and most likely they can have it all done in a few hours.

      1. Travelbug*

        Hotels in Japan usually have a washing machine and dryer on one of the floors for you to use (even the fancy hotels). All you need is coins. Have a great trip!

  54. The Cosmic Avenger*

    Has anyone noticed their username link is just “deleted”? And that’s not a euphemism, I mean you click on it and the word “deleted” is what comes up in the address bar!

    I don’t mean to call you out, but while I’ve seen it happen on a lot of posts, the one user that I seem to see it happen to all the time is MommyMD. If you or anyone else has seen this happen, can you say what you were putting in as a website? It does not have to be exactly what you put in, but if it was a URL, was it a Tumblr, or a blog, or what?

    I actually asked Alison if she knew what caused this, and she said she didn’t know either, so the tech manager in me is dying to know what might be causing it!

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes, I am still mystified by this! I thought maybe people were entering a space in that field, but I tested that and it didn’t cause it. So I am still baffled and would like to know too. (I checked with my tech person and she couldn’t figure it out either.)

  55. Lujessmin*

    So after a week of hip and leg pain, the diagnosis is shingles. Believe what they say about them, they hurt. Starts from my back, and goes down my right leg. I’m covered with calamine lotion, and still buzzing a bit from the 9 am pain pill.

    But things are better today, so I’m just going to take it easy and get a lot of rest and cuddle with my Jesse (cat).

    1. SciDiver*

      Oof, sounds like no fun at all. Glad you’re doing better now that you’re being treated, I hope you feel better soon!

    2. Bluebell*

      Ouch! You are in good company though – Lin Manuel Miranda just came down with it.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Shingles suuuuuuucks. Had it twice, and while both times it was mild, I was not a happy camper. Best of luck!

    4. SineNomine*

      Best of luck to you…I had shingles going on 3 years ago, and like you it was on my leg (which is relatively uncommon for shingles). It was absolute torture, I could not sleep at night for about 3 weeks because even the pressure of it touching the bed was enough to cause too much pain to focus. I shifted positions in bed every few seconds for HOURS every night. I’m glad you don’t have to deal with as severe a case I did, hang in there!

    5. Max from St. Mary's*

      Had them around my waist for almost six weeks.
      Hydrocodine for sleep and one!!!! dress that didn’t hurt to wear.
      My sympathy.

  56. VioletDaffodil*

    Has anyone ever been to/live in Salem, MA and have any recommendations? I’m going to be heading there on a short trip soon and I am really excited.

    1. Lily Evans*

      I’ve been to Salem a bunch and it’s definitely good for a short trip. The museum options are interesting, but fairly small. The historical houses are also a good visit. The downtown area is very walkable and it’s on the coast which is nice! If you’re into literature, definitely check out the Marble Faun gift shop. My absolute favorite restaurant I’ve been to there is the Olde Main Street Pub. The interior is quirky and the food is awesome! The only place I’d recommend avoiding food-wise is Scratch Kitchen, my friend and I went once and the service and food were terrible and the prices were high.

    2. KR*

      I lived there when I was super young, and my whole family is from the North Shore (the area north of Boston on the very East of MA). There are a ton of cool shops and things to look at just walking around (though in the Spring it will be rainy/slushy/yucky potentially so it might not be as alive as it is during Halloween). The Salem Willows, a park, are very pretty.The Witch Museum, House of Seven Gables, Old Burying Point, Howard Street Cemetery, the Old Town Hall. The history is great. I forget which cemetery it is, but one of the main ones has a nice memorial for the women (and one man) who were killed during the witch trials. I forget if it was the wax museum or something else, but I saw an exhibit there when I was younger that had a bunch of medieval torture methods on dummys/wax figures. It was gruesome and fun (if you’re into that sort of thing). All of it is pretty walk-able. Have fun!

      1. WellRed*

        Loved the memorial to the women. So peaceful. Hawthorne House. Just wandering around. Also, maybe Peabody Essex museum?

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      The Peabody Essex Museum is excellent. They have an entire house from China and it’s fascinating.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, the PEM is very very worth a visit. It’s a remarkable collection to have in a small town.

        I’d skip the witch tourism save the graveyard and memorial. It’s pretty salacious and cheesy IMO. But walking around the old town, harbor area etc. and looking at the mansions and historic homes is very cool. The Ropes Mansion has a lovely garden, and the Phillips House really gives a great sense of how interconnected the town was to the wider world even in the 18th century.

        I recommend Flying Saucer Pizza!

        How will you be getting there? The ferry from Boston is actually pretty great. If you come by commuter rail, the inlet by the station can be a good spot for birdwatching. If you walk or bike out to the Willows–an old fashioned boardwalk type place–you have nice views of towns across the river and possibly good bird sightings.

      2. Peanut*

        Another vote for the Peabody Essex Museum! We went for the first time two years ago and really enjoyed it.

    4. Bluebell*

      The Peabody Essex Museum is huge and beautiful! Their traveling exhibits are great ( right now it’s Georgia Okeefe I think ) but the permanent exhibits are also excellent. If the weather is nice there is a historical area where you can walk around.
      The Witch Museum is totally kitschy, so enjoy if you like that sort of thing.
      I wish I had restaurant recommendations but all I can think of is Gulu Gulu cafe, which has good coffee.

    5. Ginger ale for all*

      I remember going there in the 70’s and I enjoyed it. My most vivid memory was my aunt singsonging this when we were driving in a town named Lynn nearby – Lynn, Lynn, city of sin, you never come out, the way you went in.

      1. KR*

        I’m from Lynn originally. Trot trot to Boston, trot trot to Lynn, you better watch out before you fall in.

    6. Libervermis*

      I worked as a historical re-enactor in Salem from 2008-2012! See if Cry Innocent is happening at the Old Town Hall, it’s a re-enacted witch trial drawn from the historical record with audience interaction, not kitschy or spooky at all.

      The graveyard and witch memorial are both lovely and very peaceful. Totally agree with all the recommendations for the Peabody-Essex Museum, it’s great. The House of Seven Gables and the Friendship are both very cool, and the downtown is just fun to walk around. Lots of little shops and things. I enjoyed eating at Gulu Gulu and The Old Spot but can’t offer very recent recommendations.

    7. Roja*

      I’m so glad you posted this, because I just planned out our summer vacation this morning and we’re thinking of visiting Salem for a day.

    8. 1637 Tavern Tours*

      I don’t know how soon is soon, but I have a friend that is starting a business doing walking tours in Salem. The 2018 season opens Memorial Day weekend. When I visited last November I got a preview of the tour. I can’t wait until I can go back and do the actual tour.

      https://www.1637taverntours.com/tours

      From the website:
      We stop at the sites of the original tavern locations of Salem in the downtown area. You’ll learn the history of Salem’s Puritan life, along with the role Salem played in the American Revolution.You will see a replica maritime vessel that transported ale and beer (along with other wares) to Salem in the early years.And you’ll be offered a voucher for three (3) pours at the end of the tour to try some craft beer, ales, and cider from New England breweries at one of several participating bars and restaurants.

  57. Mimmy*

    I want to commiserate about Keratin hair treatment!

    I need simple day-to-day hair maintenance, which is not possible with the frizz-head that I’ve been blessed with. Keratin and other smoothing treatments have been a lifesaver!

    I had no idea that there were multiple products out there – I thought it was just a choice among a) Keratin, b) Japanese straightening, or c) Brazilian Blowout. Maybe in the beginning those were your choices; now, it seems that there are multiple varieties of these treatments. I believe there are also home varieties, which are much less expensive.

    I was getting Keratin treatments for a while at a particular salon, but didn’t think to ask about the actual product name. Then, the salon changed location and name; long story short, I’ve been trying to find a salon I’m satisfied with ever since. I did try one place right before Easter, partly because they do a consult before any treatments, and the girl explained things really well. I’m not entirely thrilled though – I have not had the same satisfaction as I’ve had with my previous salon :(

    Then again, I am a complete dunce when it comes to hair and all that other beauty stuff :P

    1. SaraV*

      I’ve discovered the wonders of keratin in the past year, too. I have wavy, thicker hair, but would still see split ends while using Pantene shampoo/conditioner. One day, while at big box store, I decided to try Suave Shampoo & Conditioner with infused keratin. While the shampoo is a smidge heavier, I haven’t seen split ends in a LONG time. I just make sure I really rinse my hair out when I wash it.

      I know it’s not a salon treatment…I’m personally too cheap for that…but the shampoo worked for me.

    2. Rusty Shackelford*

      Don’t know if you’re going to come back and check this, but the keratin treatment I always have is by Coppola. And even using the same brand, sometimes it takes better than others. Maybe your stylist didn’t spend enough time ironing, didn’t have a hot enough iron, etc.

  58. Nerd Writer*

    I shared two weeks ago that I’d written and posted some Star Trek fanfic and was pleased to be getting good feedback. AAM readers were very encouraging and I was even asked to update if I posted any more. Well, I’ve posted another one if anyone cares to read. It’s linked in my username. Just a warning, it’s slash (relationship between two characters who don’t necessarily have a relationship in the show) but not graphic. Teen and up, I’d say.

    I’ve been going through a bit of a hard time, mostly to do with work and some political stuff happening in my country and approaching a milestone birthday and all the contemplation that that can bring about in one’s life, and I’m finding it very soothing to write this stuff. I’m also very pleased with myself, because I’ve always wanted to write fiction but just…never did. Because I was afraid it would be bad, or because I was embarrassed? It’s only fan fiction, the most ridiculous kind of fiction (I say that with love), but to find out you can kind of do a thing you didn’t think you could do, and further that you aren’t terrible at it, is very satisfying.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Ooh, I wish you’d mentioned it was DS9! I almost didn’t click because normally when people just say Star Trek they mean TOS or TNG, but I love DS9 (and Bashir and Garak are two of my favorites) so I’m glad I did. Don’t have the chance to read it right now, but I’ll definitely read it this weekend. :)

    2. Laura H*

      Ok. Read the book Fic, why Fan Fiction is taking over the world by Anne Jamison- like stat. It’s not a help refine your craft but it’s chock full of history and cultural stuff. In the words of Spock, “Fascinating.”

      It’s available on kindle and in paperback.

      As a side note (and my understanding of terms are prolly super outdated- as in I still know what a lemon is) are you using the term “slash” correctly? When I hear “slash” I think “Kirk/Spock”- male/male relationships. But my “fic-tionary” is out of date.

      2. Nerd Writer*

        No, I believe you’re right about the strict definition of slash being same-sex, but if I’m honest, I deliberately didn’t mention that because while I’m fine with people being put off reading something because it’s weird for them if two characters who aren’t together in canon hug and kiss, I didn’t feel right “warning” about a same-sex pair. If anyone is offended by that, well, fuck them ;)

        And thanks for the encouragement!

        1. Laura H*

          Chalk it up to me reading the comment sorta wrong- the parenthesis right after the use of “slash” might (and to my brain does) denote a definition of the preceding term- so that misinterpretation is totally on me.

          Although geeze, now I’m wondering if there is a succinct term for a pairing of characters that don’t interact in canon.

          That’s the great thing about fic- it’s kinda to each their own.

    3. Loopy*

      Star Trek isn’t my fandom but I’ve been reading Fanfic for probably 16 years now and it makes me so happy to see it praised and talked about positively outside of fanfic sites!

    4. Troutwaxer*

      Nice. I commented as follows: “I’m not sure about the pairing, but the setup is very nice; quite tightly and intelligently plotted, and very much in line with the “grand commandment” that no author should ever make life easy for their characters. I liked it.”

      I’m also a fanfic author, and just posted something in the Starfire section of the archive. I’d be interested if anyone has any comments. The link is also embedded in my name.

      1. Nerd Writer*

        Thanks for the comment! I’m travelling at the moment so I’ve bookmarked your fic. I’m not familiar with the fandom but I’m looking forward to having a look.

  59. Nervous Accountant*

    Going to a wedding today and for some reason I just can’t.stop.crying and I don’t know why. Two acquaintances gotmarried, and each person’s wedding has had multiple events (our culture). Altogether, this will be event #6 since early March and I am just so tired.

    I used to get so excited at going to weddings, getting dressed up, putting on makeup, getting my hair done, driving etc and was envious of the people who got to go to weddings every weekend. But I can’t bring myself to get excited about this. I don’t know if it’s tax season and I’m tired, I’ve been sick and Im tired,they didn’toffer condolences and I’m tired……IDK. I talked to a friend about not feeling excited and she said I just went thru a trauma and it’s normal to feel this. I’m not sure how that connects with this, but I guess it could be true. I can’t skip it now b/c its one social circle and I think they will be hurt or upset (or not care, idk) if I don’t show up for this but did make the effort to show up to other peoples events for the past month.

    1. KR*

      Can you show up for the ceremony and then go home after? You could stay long enough to tell them you’re happy for them but you’re not feeling well, hope they enjoy their wedding, wish you could stay. And then leave?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        The event starts at 8 PM, and events tend to run late. I work Sundays and I’m normally in bed by 10. It’s an hour long drive.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        It’s weird I’ve been looking forward to this for months so Idkwhy i’m feeling liket his.

    2. zora*

      Meh, I’d just skip it if I was you!! say I was sick and don’t feel good. Just because you went to other events this month doesn’t mean you aren’t sick today!

      Take care of yourself and don’t worry about whether people will notice. SELF-CARE!!!

    3. Lissa*

      TBH, I would lie. Say you have food poisoning/a stomach bug, you’re really really sorry, but you can’t make it. This gets you out of going and if they are reasonable at all, their feelings won’t be hurt because it’s something that happens to everyone and nobody wants someone showing up at their wedding in that state. (I know some people ar really against doing this and believe saying just “not well” should be enough, but it can often just feel better to be cancelled on for something concrete, so it’s also about preserving other people’s feelings at what’s an emotional time for everyone.)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You just had a tooth out and it’s giving you a hard time. Your expectation of going about a normal life may not be realistic right now.
      Tell them you are sick. Stay home and go to bed.
      You are probably exhausted that is why you are crying. Exhaustion will do that. It will also slow down healing.

      You think they will be upset? You know that is a weak reason for going, right? True friends would be concerned that you were not well. True friends don’t keep a score card.

      Please consider getting extra rest.

  60. Agnes isn't my name*

    I have an odd situation that I need advice on. I am in my 50’s and will be getting married for the first (and only, I hope) time this summer. My fiance had mrsa and was finally able to clear it up in November and his doctor is willing to write a note to that effect (he asked due to this situation).

    My brother and his wife live close by. Neither of them are willing to meet my fiance. My sister in law has cancer and may or not be currently doing chemo. No one in the family has been told about the current status of her condition. It is not spoken about but the last we heard she was stage 4 and we only know that because my brother was drunk one night and called my mom. She travels for vacations and regularly goes out and about in public according to her Facebook page. She says she will not meet my fiance due to the fear of germs, but . . . she is pictured in many group photos with friends on fb.

    So, am I being unreasonable for being hurt that neither she nor my brother will meet my fiance? My brother won’t even come alone. My father who is terminally ill with a different kind of cancer and undergoing chemo, has no problem being around my fiance.

    Any advice other than to try and get over it?

    1. KR*

      Could you propose a Skype date instead? If they refuse that you’ll have very good information about your brother and his wife because you’ll know they’re outright refusing to meet him versus nervous about getting MRSA. Could they also be worried he’s not vaccinated if he caught MRSA?

      Or it could be that they are so wrapped up in her illness that they can’t be there for you on your big day, which is sad but hopefully once everyone has recovered they will have more time to branch out and meet him.

      1. Agnes is not my name*

        Hmm, your second paragraph is making me think. I think this is how I am going to think about it now. I just didn’t want to think badly of them but I had problems seeing other ways to think about it. Your insight is very much appreciated.

        1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

          Some people kinda lose their minds/act very strangely when there’s serious illness. Particularly since she’s Stage 4, it’s possible there’s not much chance of recovery. I’d chalk this up to grief/emotion/people are weird in these situations and just let your brother know that you’d love for him and SIL to meet your SO, and you’ll let him reach out to set something up when he’s ready. That way, it’s on him, not you.

          This is not your fault, not your SO’s fault. It’s ALL on your brother and his wife. Try to let it go. (I know, easier said than done. But try.)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I think there is a bigger problem here than your hubby’s mrsa. There is a reason that you guys don’t know the status of her cancer. It could be their fault or it could be everyone’s fault. Or it could be something else.

            Try to frame it as a symptom of a larger series of choices, where for whatever reason there is distance between all of you.

            I will say this, as a person whose spouse had cancer. Cancer consumes every moment of your day and almost every second of conversation. My husband and I responded to people who were talking about the cancer with us, it was that time consuming. He had constant doctors’ appointments– 67 in 13 weeks. I can safely say that most of the family did not know this. We were exhausted. We ate meals at an exact time each day and went to bed at an exact time each day. It was the only way we could cope with running to all the doctor appointments.

            Find a way to hold it in a neutral light such as they are busy or they are struggling or whatever. And yes, make a conscious decision to let it go.

            1. Agnes is not my name*

              We only first found out about the cancer when she was undergoing surgery for it years ago. We were told to not to come to the hospital since all her friends were there helping and the friends had set up a schedule and rota for childcare. In the ten years since, we have been told to not ask questions and to not speak about the cancer. My parents did hear from another in law years ago that she was in remission and then a few years later that it was back and worse and she was debating no treatment. At no time has she ever spoken about it to my parents or me. My mother was a cancer specialist before she retired.

              1. Annie*

                Speaking as someone who’s dying of a family disease that a lot of my loved ones are “experts” at, honestly that’s a very good reason to avoid people: I’ve made my decisions based on my body and my mind and I’m not interested in views from the peanut gallery, I also don’t have time to deal with new people when I barley have enough time for the people who’ve been there for me. I’m sorry if this is similar to your family, it’s sad but no ones fault

                2. Belle di Vedremo*

                  I’m sorry Annie, and hope that your choices and the people you’ve chosen to spend time with are bringing you comfort and peace.

              2. KR*

                It sounds like your sister in law just isn’t totally comfortable with your family, which stinks but it sounds like it’s how she wants to keep it. I am not completely comfortable with my in laws. I love them and I love seeing them, but for anything that requires support or help or advice, I reach out to my dad. For some reason it just really irks me when they try to make me part of their family. Maybe something similar is going on – she just considers you guys her husband’s family and doesn’t want to become part of your clan.

                I don’t know, I’m just guessing. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and for her illness. Enjoy your marriage.

    2. Lehigh*

      I would not take it personally. When my husband was undergoing chemo, he still went out and did the social things that were most important to him with his friends. Otherwise his mental health would have tanked and that’s not good for anybody. But we would have been unwilling to meet a new person who was potentially infectious, even if that person was important to someone we loved–after all, if she pulls through the cancer they will both have plenty of time to get to know your fiance in the future. It probably does not seem like an emergency to them.

      I understand your father has different standards, but everyone is different and people are also usually more willing to risk things for their children than for anyone else.

    3. LilySparrow*

      It kind of sounds to me like you’re applying logic to feelings, which doesn’t really work.

      *Should* they be perfectly willing to accept that your fiance isn’t any more contagious/dangerous than being out in public? Maybe. But they aren’t. And there’s really nothing you can do to change that.

      *Should* you feel hurt and rejected? Maybe not. But you do.

      Fortunately, there are things you can do with those hurt feelings. Suggesting Skype is a good one.
      Cutting the seriously (possibly terminally) ill family some slack is also good.
      Communicating caring & love toward them is good, too. Like, “You’re really important to me, and I’d love to include you in this happy time – how can I make that safe & easy for you?”

      The more you’re sending good vibes in, the more likely you are to get good vibes back.

      1. Agnes is not my name*

        We have been obeying their wishes for years. This is the first time my hurt has been difficult to swallow. My parents have been the ones who have been usually hurt by their approach and now we have traded places on this.

        1. valentine*

          It could be that triaging and taking care of herself mean not interacting with anyone else’s illness/need. SIL may not want any new relationships on your side of the family, from which your brother is the only person she wants involved in her caregiving. He’s being a good husband by defending their boundaries. It’s up to you how much weight to give that. Accepting what for you is distance may reduce or eliminate your hurt.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Stage 4 cancer is awful. And you feel awful. And you often have little time left.

      As a nurse, I can tell you that many places do not properly declare MRSA cleared. There are many horror stories out there about people with cancer dying after being exposed to people who decided their illness would not be a problem for the cancer patient. There is a whole decision matrix to clear mrsa. After 6 to 12 months of no signs or symptoms (with some other criteria thrown in), to clear a patient, you are supposed to send swabs from 3 areas for culture – the inside of their nose, their anus, and any open wounds.

      1. Agnes is not my name*

        Oh, thank you for posting this! I didn’t realize that.

        Thank you everyone for helping me reframe this in a better light with all of your thoughts and comments, I really appreciate the reset of my feelings.

  61. zora*

    Can anyone tell me how mad I should be about this, or if I am overreacting and I should get over it?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, and I am super happy, he is awesome, but we have a really hard time talking about relationship stuff and the future. I should have been more proactive about making this happen earlier, but I’ve just kind of let it go.

    When we first started dating his sister got engaged and he has talked on and off about the wedding (in another state) for years, but has never actually mentioned a date or asked me to go. Last night by text he mentioned getting his suit tailored and then said “Oh, did you still want to come to the wedding? It’s at the end of the month.”

    He has not invited me before this, and I told him that, but he is I think a little mystified that I’m confused and frustrated. He just said “Ok, well do you want to come? You don’t have to.”

    I guess I’m frustrated that he didn’t *actually* invite me, which makes me feel like he doesn’t really see this as a serious relationship. But also that we have never talked about this stuff, and that it has all been on me to initiate these conversations. Am I overreacting? Or is this really weird of him?

    1. KR*

      I would totally be frustrated. A wedding in another state takes planning on your time. I think 2 and a half years is long enough that he should be able to clearly communicate whether he wants you at family functions or not.

    2. nep*

      I think I would take this as one element of the information he’s giving you about how serious he is. What other ways has he shown seriousness or non-seriousness?
      You two are exclusive for 2.5 years? That’s a pretty long time. What about other events with family? Have you been to meet them and shared other family events with your boyfriend?
      Agree that his remarks leave one wondering — especially ‘You don’t have to.’

      1. zora*

        Thank you both, you’ve articulated what I’m feeling but couldn’t put into words. This will really help me approach the conversation about this. Our relationship really is amazing ,this is just the one thing that’s caused tension and I have been struggling figuring out how to start working on it.

        The family events thing has been tough. I have met his mom when she came here to visit. But, we haven’t done any other family events or holidays, because of a combination of legitimately bad timing for him, and me not making clear that we need to sit down and make plans.

        He has a really hard time talking about feelings stuff, but based on his actions I think he is serious about us, I just haven’t really made it clear that I need to hear these things. So, that’s what I need to figure out how to do.

        1. Little Bean*

          I’m wondering if you guys are also pretty young? This reminds of my college relationship, where we were both not very good at communicating and we both made mistakes in judging the seriousness of our relationship without talking about it. But at 2.5 years, I think most committed couples would assume that their significant other is invited to a wedding. If I were in your shoes, I would be put off by the way your boyfriend framed the invitation because it almost sounds like he actually doesn’t want you to come. This may be a sign that he does not view the relationship the same way you do.

          1. zora*

            That’s a big part of the problem, we are both 40, and have been in many relationships, so i feel like we should be better about this by now. But I guess that’s beside the point, we really just need to work on it.

    3. fposte*

      I don’t think “weird” or “not weird” is useful here. What’s useful is why he does this, what this means for your relationship, and whether you’re okay with this.

      I mean, he could assume it’s such a serious relationship that he didn’t need to invite you–spouses don’t invite each other to weddings. Or he could think family weddings are pretty much on a par with insurance seminars for enjoyment and it didn’t occur to him that you might actually want to go. The linkage you seem to be making–established couples go together to a wedding, it’s a big deal if they don’t, and you should have been explicitly included in this plan–is a common one, but it’s not something that’s universal enough for you to assume that this is what he’s thinking too.

      So talk it through. I’m actually more concerned with “we have a really hard time talking about relationship stuff.” While there are a lot of different communication styles that could work, it sounds like you guys haven’t found one, and this is a chance to start that work. That includes why you didn’t ask about going to the wedding along the line–not so much that “You should have done that!” as what do you think stopped you and what were you afraid would might happen if you did.

      1. zora*

        Yeah, I see what you are saying in your second paragraph.
        What I didn’t make clear in my post is that I literally didn’t know the dates of this wedding until last night. So, it’s not as much about the invite part but the “The wedding has actually been planned now, here is the date.” so that I could actually, like, know it was happening. ;o)

        But yeah, you’re right we really need to find the ‘way’ to talk about this stuff. I like the questions you posed as a way to start. Thank you!

        1. Reba*

          But the question fposte is posing is *why* didn’t you know it until now — were you always waiting for bf to tell you? (setting aside the question of why he didn’t, for now, though that’s important) But did you never say, “hey, when is that again? I wanna put it on the calendar”? Why/why not?

          1. zora*

            Yeah, I got that, I definitely need to think about that, that’s a key issue on my part.

            1. zora*

              Meaning, not just asking about why he did what he did, but also why I”ve been doing what I have been. I need to think more about my side of this, too, which I haven’t been doing. That is super helpful.

    4. nep*

      (Is it possible that he was thinking it would freak you out to be invited to this kind of family event, and he’s just sort of feeling you out to see your reaction about it?)

    5. SciDiver*

      I don’t think you’re overreacting here–going to a wedding in another state takes some notice and planning (arranging travel, time off from work if needed, finding a place to stay, budgeting for the cost of getting there and back)! I suppose I can understand his confusion if HE doesn’t think sister’s wedding is a big deal or he doesn’t want to go; he might have assumed you wouldn’t want to go either. That being said, it’s not hard to ask, and it’s common courtesy to invite an SO to a family event like this if there’s room on the guest list, especially if he’s kept bringing it up since you’ve been dating.

      What’s more of a red flag for me is that you mention the whole thing has made you feel like he doesn’t think your relationship is serious. If you’ve been together for 2.5 years in an exclusive relationship, that’s generally pretty serious, so your comment makes me wonder if there’s other things he’s done that make you question his commitment or seriousness about being with you.

      1. zora*

        yeah, thanks for how you phrased the red flag part. I think it’s likely more of it is me freaking out in my own head than anything he has done, but that is helping me articulate what I need to do.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      It’s super weird of him, but that’s also a good thing to know—if you do plan to stay with him, it sounds as if he’s not super-communicative and just makes assumptions. So (again, if you do plan stay with him long term), you might have to 1) have a conversation with him about his communication style and assumptions and 2) maybe be a bit proactive yourself (“This wedding you keep talking about? Am I going to that or no?”), since you say he’s talk about the wedding off and on for years.

      1. zora*

        Yeah, you are totally right. It helps to hear that it’s not just me that thinks this is weird, thank you, because I was worried that I was completely overreacting. But I do need to put it in context with him and I definitely should be more proactive. I’ve been in avoidance mode which is not helping.

    7. BRR*

      I’d be pretty irritated. I know a lot of people who tend to want the other person to do all the lifting in a relationship. Like when I see dating profiles that say “I’m shy” and it turns out they just want the other person to do all the work. Could that be the case?

    8. LilySparrow*

      The situation does sound unusual, and I would find his very half-hearted invitation off-putting, to say the least.

      Because technically he can’t issue you an invitation to someone else’s wedding.
      I mean, did his sister plan to include you? Do they know you’re a couple, or does he have an anonymous “plus-one”? Did his sister plan for him to have a date at all?

      If you aren’t already included in family events, showing up unexpected at a wedding isn’t a great way to start. Will he have to ask his sister to add to the guest list?

      This all seems like pretty ordinary, practical conversation, and I find it a bit odd that these things haven’t come up. It almost isn’t “future, relationship stuff.” It’s commonplace details of interacting with other people.

    9. valentine*

      You’re both responding based on assumptions about the other’s actions. You assume he defines invitation and seriousness the same way you do, despite never discussing it, or not discussing it to the degree necessary to avoid ambiguity and assumptions. The best-case scenario is that, to him, mentioning it was an invitation, because 2.5 yrs or why else would he mention it or whatever his unspoken reasons are, yet he expected you to bring it up in the meantime, ask for specifics, or whatever unspoken actions he defines as you showing interest and indicating you want to go. He realized you hadn’t done this and the “you don’t have to” means “I know you don’t want to hurt my feelings by saying no, but please don’t feel obliged to come and be miserable,” not “I don’t care” or “I don’t want you there, refuse to say, and have made it extremely difficult for you to do so.” If you had said, “You keep mentioning the wedding. It’s okay to assume I plan to go to the movies or barbecues. For xyz events, I want you to ask me if I want to go with you,” how might he have responded? I hate to be the “Maybe he just didn’t know” person, but does he know you need y amount of lead time and you do(n’t) have something to wear? Is there any other event requiring an RSVP and particular clothing that you’ve gone to with him without needing him to ask specifically? When you imaging sitting down with him to define terms and see if you’re on the same page about the relationship, milestones, and what things mean, and if you share goals and values, does it feel feasible or frightful?

    10. DietCokeHead*

      I would be frustrated too. It sounds like when his sister first got engaged, you hadn’t been dating too long so I wouldn’t have expected an invitation then. But 2.5 years being together is long enough for me to assume that I would be invited as his plus one unless there was some reason not to be, like a super small wedding or limited venue space. Either way, just saying that you can come if you want to is a very noncommittal way to invite you.

    11. Em Too*

      My parents have just headed home after a few days’ visit, two days earlier than I was expecting. It wasn’t until yesterday they thought to mention their plans had changed (and it’s not a last minute change – they’ve known for days). I do find it weird, and exceedingly annoying, but it seems some people are like that.

      For what its worth, I try to pin them down, and have a hard line that if they fail to tell me about something until the last minute I will feel no obligation to accommodate it if it’s not convenient.

    12. Jemima Bond*

      Well the way I see it is that it’s up to the bride and groom whether you are invited or not. What does the invitation say? If it says “Percival and Zora” then you are invited and he should have made it clear in order for you to plan. If it says “Percival” then sadly they are on a tight budget/have barely met you/any other benign reason for not inviting someone to a wedding. If it says “Percival plus one” then I’d question how well he communicates with his sister that she didn’t know he was in a LTR and what his girlfriend’s name is. He should also have told you, again for you to plan.
      My perspective may be off as here “[name] plus one” invitations are really rare (ime couples have enough trouble fitting onto their list all the people they want, and let’s not get started on kids or no kids, without inviting partners in brand new relationships or allowing people to just bring anyone so they have a “date”). But if I’d been in a serious relationship for two and a half years and my boyfriend got a family wedding invitation with “plus one” instead of my name I’d be pretty p!ssed off, because either my boyfriend has passed me off as not significant or the family has judged me as such.

  62. Ann O’Nemity*

    I’m looking for solutions for when one spouse/partner needs to wake up earlier than the other one does. My husband gets up 90 minutes before I do. Inevitably his alarm wakes me, so I either get up early or try to go back to sleep. Both make me tired and cranky. He tried getting a FitBit with the vibration alarm but slept right through it. Other options?

    2. Loopy*

      What about one of those lights that gradually brightens? You might wake up but not jarringly as with a loud alarm and you can just roll over away from the light. I tended to wake up very gradually with one and I feel like that set up would make it easier to draft back off to sleep.

      1. ainomiaka*

        I would be the earlier one, and I really want one of these. Has anyone else had experience using one of these when one person doesn’t need to wake up?

        1. Elkay*

          If the person who doesn’t need to wake up is a good sleeper then they can just roll right over if my other half is anything to go by. It probably helps having it on my side of the bed.

        2. LizB*

          I have one and generally wake up before my SO needs to. I have it on my bedside table in a place where it pretty much shines directly in my face, and my head & pillows block most of the light from reaching him, so it hasn’t been a problem for him as long as I get up pretty promptly/without a lot of snoozes.

        3. heckofabecca*

          My husband’s a schoolteacher, and he would leave the curtains open for sunlight. I tend to just wear a mask to guard against the light. Unfortunately, he also needed an alarm to actually jar him away. If you do get a lamp alarm, test it on an off day so you don’t get thrown for a loop!

          And I second Oxford Coma’s suggestion of going to bed at different times.

    3. Epsilon Delta*

      How long has he been waking up earlier? My husband gets up earlier than me (usually about 1 hour before but it varies), and at first it really bothered me but now I am used to it and sometimes sleep right through his alarm and him leaving.

      Him choosing a non-obnoxious alarm (previously it was a rooster noise!) and having him get up immediately and turn it off also helped immensely.

      1. Ann O’Nemity*

        It’s been like this for over a year. It’s rough because he’s a deeper sleeper and a snoozer. So, super loud alarm that he sleeps through for a minute, then snoozes once or twice before finally getting up. After all that, I’m usually awake. Even if I fall back asleep, it’s not restful.

        1. Roja*

          There’s an idea–if it’s the repeated alarm that’s bothering you, could you get up and move as soon as the first alarm rings? My husband and I have something like this going on, although it’s not as big of a problem as it was (because he’s not hitting snooze anymore, although my sleep is still more broken than ideal), but if you wake up instantly and he can’t, it might be easier at that point to just get up and curl up in the guest bed, if you have one. But then you still get to sleep together the rest of the night.

        2. ..Kat..*

          Well, snoozing his alarm while you are trying to sleep is obnoxious. Would he be willing to get up when it first goes off?

          1. only acting normal*

            Yeah – snoozing is a no go in this situation.
            My husband is normally a megasnoozer (like 6+ times) but if he’s getting up at stupid o’clock for some reason he is *not allowed* the snoozes.

        3. Another person*

          This is my problem with my husband. The deal that we have is that I’m allowed to elbow him in the morning (gently at first) so that he actually turns off the alarm. It helps much better than playing through the alarm (although he still does at least one snooze ANNOYINGLY but I rephrased that one snooze as cuddle time which does help me fall back asleep). Admittedly, I wake up every 2 hours anyway for my whole life, so I’ve gotten decently good at falling asleep if woken up (also my husband gets up before the sun, so the darkness also helps).

    4. Oxford Coma*

      Do you have to go to bed at the same time? I get up much earlier than my husband (and he’s a robot who requires barely any sleep) so I go to bed several hours before he does.

    5. valentine*

      If he lies on top of the FitBit or his phone, will the vibration wake him? Can he get up straightaway and do everything else (including snoozing) in a different space?

    6. Someone*

      I use my phone alarm on vibration, under my pillow. It never fails to wake me up. Where did your husband put the alarm?

      You might also experiment with ear plugs yourself – I hate most kinds, but found one that is relatively comfortable to wear (a certain brand of foam ear plugs, though I cut off a bit of one end as they are too long for me to wear comfortably).

      Also… has your husband tried going to bed such that he gets his preferred amount of sleep? I get up earlier than my boyfriend and it is rarely a problem now, because I also go to bed earlier than him (and generally don’t wake up when he goes to sleep because of my ear plugs) and often wake up a good 30 minutes before my alarm goes off.. Though I have to admit that I’m a lark, so waking up early is natural to me… but I still think that many people have experienced waking up shortly before their alarm clock when they always had to get up on the same time, so maybe your husband doesn’t get enough sleep for that to happen?

    7. Emilie*

      I’m in the same situation with my boyfriend. I’m a very light sleeper, and can’t really go back to sleep, so I’ve claimed that morning time for just laying in bed, browsing Instagram, petting the cat, doing yoga, watching an episode of something on Netflix, reading Wikipedia articles, or whatever else I feel like that morning.

      I compensate by going to bed a bit earlier and then snoozing is forbidden and punished by keelhauling, on the off chance that I’ll want to go back to sleep. People can learn not to snooze, and I think it’s fair to ask if he would consider trying to change his bad habit of snoozing.

    8. MsChanandlerBong*

      My husband gets up an hour earlier than I do. I wear foam ear plugs at night.

  63. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    Has anyone had a cat with a UTI or something else going on?

    I noticed last night that our girl kitty was hitting the box more often than usual, and while she is her usual self and eating fine, its continued all day. Just a little bit left behind, but no straining. Waiting for the vet to get back to us with an appt time.

    I know this can be quite serious and they want to make sure it isnt a full blockage, but I was wondering if anyone else had experience with this and/or if it turned out to be something other than a UTI/block.

    1. Elkay*

      My friend’s cat suffered from this when he was stressed, she was given some medicine to give him, he was always fine after that. Hope it’s a quick fix for your cat.

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      They can be pretty common in cats. Boys in particular can have serious issues. My cats have had occasional UTIs – antibiotics cleared everything up for them. It’s not always a horrible problem, sometimes it’s just a basic infection.

      Vet trip in is order, which you’re working on. Another thing you can do which will help all around is try to get her to drink more water. Most cats are chronically dehydrated, which does a number on them in a variety of ways. Adding extra water to wet food, getting a fountain, etc can help.

      1. Someone*

        I’d add that cats prefer water that’s very low in minerals – my parents cat always drink rain water if they can get it.

    3. Amadeo*

      You can palpate yourself and feel if there’s a full blockage. If it started last night, there’s no way you wouldn’t feel her bladder in her abdomen if she were blocked. It’ll feel like a baseball or large apple way back either between-ish her legs or just in front of them. She’d also be in pain by now too.

      If she’s still eating and not in pain, it’s more than likely a UTI, but I hope the vet gets you in soon to get her sorted out!

    4. cat socks*

      My older girl has had cystitis a couple of times and she started peeing outside the box because she was in pain. The vet prescribed some pain meds until it cleared on it’s own. Blockages are less common in female cats. If she’s going to the vet anyway, I would reccomend bloodwork to check kidney levels and thyroid levels. The cystitis issues happened several years ago, but last year she was diagnosed with kidney disease . Not sure if they are related, but if you can catch kidney disease earlier, you can start treatment. Hope it’s nothing serious.

    5. ainomiaka*

      my cat recently had a UTI that required Iv antibiotics and fluids. You are working on the vet, and that’s probably the best option. internet support.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Ah – thanks everyone for the reassurance!

      She’s been drinking water and I gave her and her brother their usual packet of wet food and this ‘soup’ stuff on top (its a broth with tuna bits in it) to the usual scarfing effect. No pain, crying, elimination outside the box, or any of that. Ill try that palpitation thing shortly.

      We have to get a mobile vet due to our location and he will be coming on Monday morning first thing but on emergency standby for tomorrow should her demeanor or the situation change.

      One thing I forgot to mention is that the last week has been extremely out of the ordinary and stressful in our house – we had family visit, partner has been traveling for business, and I had a complete and utter stress breakdown on Thursday night (loud shouting and crying into a pillow for a half hour level) after an awful work week. Girl kitty is very sensitive to her humans and is always first on the scene when she hears crying to make sure you are ok and lick any tears (yes, its adorable). I still think she has something medical related but I cant imagine everything being off-kilter really helped either.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Sounds like a UTI to me. My elderly cat gets them every 3 months like clockwork (she’s super old and this is apparently not uncommon) so I’m very familiar with the signs. It’s great that she’s eating and drinking as usual, and not going outside of the box. It could be a mild infection that will be taken care of with an antibiotic and some fluids. Good luck!

      1. JaneB*

        My cat had bladder stones with similar symptoms – pretty common in cats, and less serious for girl cats than boy cats – and I’ve known several cats who got stress-related bladder infections, all of which were easy to treat. Hope all is back to normal soon!

  64. De Minimis*

    We have a social engagement today and I feel too tired to deal with it, but I know we can’t get out of it at this point. My wife and I are both just waiting for the moment when it’s over and we get to go back home.

    Normal people would enjoy having dinner with friends, right? I just don’t know how to human….

    1. nep*

      You are me.
      You’re not alone.
      I would much rather hang on my own than have dinner with friends.
      Everyone humans differently.

    2. Nicole76*

      I simultaneously look forward to, and dread, social engagements. Usually once I’m there I’m fine and enjoy myself, but the day before I am wishing I wasn’t going out (or having people over) at all. The next day is spent recuperating. I call it an introvert hangover and interestingly enough, my dog gets reacts similarly. She always naps more than usual the day after we have company.

      1. De Minimis*

        I did end up having a good time, thankfully it was only a few hours but man is it ever time for a nap.

  65. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I just woke up after sleeping til 11. I have been oversleeping all week and I think my body is trying to tell me I am not getting enough rest.

    I’m proud of biking to work on Monday and doing a kickboxing class on Thursday. I think I’m getting into better shape because I didn’t feel totally exhausted the day after. Also proud that I made the bed yesterday. I want to keep doing that, and set things up so I’m less inclined to get back in bed when I come home exhausted from being around people all day.

    I’m struggling with feeling frustrated with where my life is right now, I know intellectually I’m doing all the right things, but I feel tired all the time and I feel like my life is kind of boring.

    How are you doing?

    1. De Minimis*

      Not good. Without getting into too much work stuff, I’m stressed about having to find a new job and about how things are going at my current job. I don’t feel valued at my current job, there are cuts in the future but it seems really unequal as far as who is having to make sacrifices and who isn’t.

      And I’m depressed in general. But I continue to get out and walk whenever I can, and that helps.

      But I’m tired a lot, yet am having trouble sleeping. I think it’s going to be like this until the uncertainty of the job situation ends.

    2. Minta*

      I’m glad you’re getting extra sleep and some physical activity in!

      I’m a few weeks in to taking an antidepressant again. I let my low-grade depression go for too long. It flared up into a full-on, moderately-severe episode and messed up a whole bunch of stuff in my life. Repairing (and reeling a little) those things now. Meds are helping me sweep out the depression dust and cobwebs.

    3. BRR*

      Ugh. Frustrations at work seem to be triggering me anxiety and depression and are killing my sleep. I joke my level of awake is pergstory because it’s too sleepy to function but too awake to sleep. It kept me up for an entire night this week.

    4. LizB*

      I had a routine check-in with my doctor yesterday and we ended up agreeing to up my medication dose a bit based on how sluggish I’ve been feeling. I haven’t picked up the new pills from the pharmacy yet. I wish I had remembered to ask if it was normal for a low dose to stop being so effective after a while, or if that was weird. I’ve been on my starter dose for a little under two years, so if it is something where my body could get used to the meds and need more, that seems like a pretty normal timeframe? I guess? I don’t really know.

      I’m so tired. I should go pick up the higher dose.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I had this happen to me. Hope the dosage change works for you. I have also had to change to a different SSRI because the one I was on stopped working.

        1. LizB*

          I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had to change things up! My doctor says if this change doesn’t make a difference, our next step is to try a different SSRI.

      2. Nashira*

        I’ve definitely had to increase my psych med dosages or even change drugs after a couple of years, several times. Things in our bodies and our lives change over time, so having to adjust your meds is pretty normal and okay.

        Did you pick up your meds? If you have not picked up your meds yet, do you want to make an agreement that you will pick them up tomorrow? You did a good job talking to your doctor. You’ve got momentum going – you can ride it to pick up your meds, I swear.

    5. RestlessRenegade*

      I’m frustrated and I wish I had more support IRL to deal with it. March was a month from hell (broke up with my bf of 5 years, therapist cancelled our appointment, moved out of our rental and in with my grandma [again], doctor took me off omeprazole so I can take a breath test for bacteria, which means I have heartburn basically all waking hours, all without taking any time off the-thing-we-do-not-name because my boss broke her ankle on vacation and isn’t back yet, which made for additional stress I did NOT. need.) All the usual disentangling of our lives (new phone plan, dividing up our stuff), and I’m still working on going no-contact.

      April is not much better so far. I got an apartment which seemed to meet my requirements, but I didn’t get to see the actual unit until today, after I signed the lease (stupid, I know). It’s not bad, but it was not clean enough for my standards, so before I can move things in, I have to clean it (after just finishing cleaning a three-bedroom house, yay!) The person who did the move-in paperwork with me was BRAND NEW, as in this was her first day of work in property management and she had never ever helped someone move in before. The rent rate on the lease paperwork was wrong and I had to correct it, she didn’t know what keys were which, there are some important things that have to be fixed with the unit (shower doesn’t work, cool!) before it’s really livable, and come to find out I’ll have to punch a 4-digit code EVERY time I drive into the complex (?!) even though I swear I’ve seen people open the gates without doing so. Oh, and I had to chase her down to give her the deposit/rent check, because she forgot to take it. I wanted to find a place where I can stay for the next 5-7 years while I save up for a down payment on a house which is something I really, really want, but there are a lot of red flags and I really don’t want to move again. I don’t even want to finish the job of moving into this new place. On top of all that, I didn’t get enough sleep last night, haven’t had enough food or water, and the “vegetable” egg rolls I got for lunch had chicken in them (I’m a vegetarian).

      Sorry for ranting. It has been really hard not having someone around that I can vent to and who will let me be vulnerable. I feel like I always have to be cheery or strong in front of my family, and I simultaneously REALLY want my own place and don’t want to deal with all the moving in garbage right now. I know I’ll be much happier in a month than I was (and am), but I kind of just want to fall asleep for 4-6 weeks and let someone else deal with the BS.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Sorry you are having to deal with rental bullshit. It is really draining and frustrating.

        We rented an apartment when we moved last year, and it was by far not my first choice based on the amenities they offered vs other apartments in the area, as well as reviews on online sites. But my boyfriend was moving before me, on short notice, and was swayed by the discounted rent and first month free, so we went for it.

        And it has been a huge hassle from day 1. It has now been just about a year, and we finally got our valet trash can, parking sticker, and swipe card for the fitness center and package room. We still don’t have the gate remote – which would let us in and out without punching in the 4 digit code – so we need to do that every time still.

        When we moved in the apartment had all carpet even though we were told it would be the hardwood tile type stuff. We made them move us to the tile one since we have a dog and I am not dealing with getting dog fur out of all area-rug every day.

        In the new one the bathroom was gross. The toilet seat was yellow. They had installed vents but not the vent covers so there was essentially just a hole in the ceiling, etc.

        This year we tried to move to a new complex, but my credit/past rental issues killed the deal. He could rent the apartment on his own with his own income and credit. But I can’t rent it with him. And if he was the only one signing the lease documents (which we likely wouldn’t do anyway for legal/liability reasons) they would only allocate us one parking spot, one door key, one door swipe card, etc.

        So we’re stuck here again. And they screwed up our lease renewal and charged us several hundred dollars more than our new (already higher than previous) rate should have been. I hate them.
        ‘
        Oh, and they turn off the water complex wide like twice a month for no apparent reason. And are doing so today and tomorrow between 10am-4pm.

        Bad rental companies suck.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I started to have a panic attack about that out-of-town interview the other day but I managed to stop it. Still anxious and stressed but at least not freaking out.

    7. matcha123*

      I don’t know if it was the vitamins a poster suggested to me a few weeks ago or a combination of things, but I feel a lot better. Previously, when I walked in large crowds, it felt like each person that passed me was draining a bit of my energy. And even with some friends, I would leave feeling completely drained. Now, I still feel tired, but I don’t feel like an empty husk of a person-tired.
      I’m also more willing to state my opinion and feelings to the people around me. And for the most part, they have been fine with it! I was planning to spend the night at a friend’s new place the other day, but thought I might be too tired for an event the next day. I told her I wouldn’t stay over this time, and she was fine with it. Since she’d just moved in, she still had some unpacking to do and I think it worked out well.
      My mind is still racing, but my thoughts are less intense and I don’t feel like they are so consuming.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        A racing mind can be lack of minerals. You could try a drink with electrolytes in it. Glad you are doing a bit better.
        Step by step, right? Do you have a blender you could use for raw veggie drinks? Celery is very helpful. Personally I like blueberries for body aches.

    9. Place Name Here*

      Suuuuch a bad week! Sorry, this is going to be long because I’m going to dump it all here.

      I had my first colonoscopy last week and in addition to dealing with all that entails, I had my mom’s voice ringing in my ear. When I told her about the procedure she called me a coward because I’m 51 and hadn’t done it already. She was probably joking in her mind but she offered no other words about it at all. She often “teases” me this way. So I felt a bit alone, since this isn’t exactly a casual topic of conversation. And it was one of those medical experiences where I felt all awkward and exposed and middle-aged schlumpy. So I’m rewinding that whole experience.

      My mom is also probably mad at me for some reason. She was terse when I called her to wish her a happy Easter. I’m now supposed to guess that she’s mad and why. I’m working on not playing this game. I’ve told her that unless she tells me I’m going to assume she’s happy, but she hasn’t learned that yet so I’ll have to broach the subject when I call her today. We’ll see how it goes and how far I want to take it. I’m trying not to play the guess why mom is mad game but that’s hard.

      I’m working on my taxes and one of my 1099s looked wrong and I notified my manager by text and then figured it out and had to text her again. I think I did this last year too but I don’t remember all the details. Now I’m worried I was to flighty and I imagine she is grumbling about me and won’t want to work with me or be friends with me anymore.

      My SIL suddenly decided that since we live in a rural back-water and don’t go to church, that our child is lacking in religious education and bought a book on world religions that she was planning to just give to Child. Fortunately she forgot it at home and just told my husband about it. SIL also grilled husband about how minority and LGBT friendly our town is. Husband set a boundary about the book and nicely defended where we live. I spend part of Easter weekend anticipating SIL approaching me about it. I would have been less…circumspect and would not have spent any time justifying our life to her standards. I did not sleep well because I was ruminating on this and my conversation with my mom. SIL did not talk to me about it so I guess we’ll just see where that goes.

      Also, the stuff in the bedrooms where we stay at MIL’s house that I was told isn’t mold is definitely mold and there’s more of it. I spend part the weekend cleaning it because MIL is too old to be scrubbing walls. Every other piece of furniture I turned over had mold. I also spent that time processing my call with my mom and SIL’s stuff–stress cleaning. I’m annoyed with myself that I trusted someone else’s words over what I saw with my own eyes. I’m annoyed I didn’t bring it up sooner. I’m annoyed we have the same stuff in our basement that I haven’t dealt with. MIL and I have a good relationship but it feels like a boundary since she’s my husband’s direct family. I’m also annoyed because the new housecleaner that MIL and FIL are hiring will not be cleaning the upstairs where the guest bedrooms are so we’ll have to clean at the start of each visit and monitor the mold progress. It’s not black mold, and there’s not much of it, and we’re not up there much, but it bears watching. I think the unvented bathroom shower has a lot to do with it. I understand why MIL and FIL don’t want to have the upstairs cleaned regularly but it’s frustrating anyway.

      I strayed so far out of my lane at the place where I volunteer that I became part of someone else’s very public head-on collision with our new exec director (NED). It was so out of character for me and I’m embarrassed and ashamed. Fortunately, the public part of my piece is fairly benign so I don’t have to worry much about what my co-volunteers think of me. But I am forever linked with the event. The atmosphere feels changed. I don’t know if NED will stay in this job. NED brings a different set of skills than Old ED but does have some real challenges. The event has really shaken my self-image.

      I’m also working on fixing another long-standing medical thing with lots of anxiety and shame surrounding it. Yay me for addressing it, but it’s digging up a lot of emotional muck. This probably has a lot to do with why the other things are affecting me so much. I’m currently between therapists. I have a list of recommendations that I need to look at and see if any look good.

      So all these things are taking my anxiety to 11. Plus we’re traveling next week for spring break and Child is on a different trip so I’m managing two trips and my regular travel anxiety and trying to get everything done on time. Gotta run. Thanks for this thread!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Mold. I have been battling mold here for quite a while. I stumbled on this dehumidifier and what a relief.
        http://products.geappliances.com/appliance/gea-specs/APER70LW

        The thing works so good. You can get it at a better price than this one here, but I wanted you to see the exact model. It can be hooked to a drain, so you never need to empty it. You will need to clean filters every couple weeks and you should wash the bucket at the same time. If you can’t hook it to a drain (I can’t) it shuts itself off when the bucket is full. It has a Styrofoam float that works like the ball float in a toilet to shut things off. I empty mine twice a day. I could probably do it once a day, but I just redid the room- a large room- and the moisture has come back. I don’t want to redo the room again, so I am diligent about emptying it. This little machine is saving me thousands in future repairs.

        The only thing I did not like about it was the instructions for cleaning the filters were not clear.

    10. Alpha Bravo*

      Today is my anniversary. Would’ve been 35 years. I’m sad. I miss my spouse. Keeping busy helps. So I’m sad but at least I’m productive.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Wow. Thirty five years. At some point they grow on us and become another body part, right? It’s like part of us is missing. Does he send you little reassurances now and again? Do you look for them?

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          I had to convince him it was all right for him to go on ahead; that we’d be okay here. He looked to me for certainty, of that and that we will be together again. You’re right. Part of me is missing. I can deal. Today I’m just feeling that giant aching hole in my center more than usual.

    11. Tau*

      I am seriously beginning to think I have some flavour of SAD. The weekend was lovely and sunny and warm and I feel like a bear coming out of hibernation. Suddenly I have energy! I tidied a bunch! I sent off an e-mail I’d been meaning to send for ages! I did laundry! I made some progress on the prep for my embroidery project! I haven’t felt like this for months, I swear.

  66. Loopy*

    I survived the week! Car troubles, pet, troubles, dentist visits (hate dentists). Hooray for me.

    Now, question: I am a coffee/tea drinker. My teeth are stained. They have been for years. I’m getting married in ten months and would love to get my teeth much, much whiter. I have some time to experiment before shelling out big bucks but don’t want to throw money around TOO much. I read about charcoal toothpaste having FABULOUS results… but also read it can be abrasive and wear away enamel….and once the enamel on teeth is gone, it doesn’t come back. So I got very much scared away from that despite supposed fabulous results.

    Has anyone had Wow! results from Crest white strips? I need many shades…so just a few won’t really be worth the cost to me. Also, I’m considering professional kits from a dentist but have heard those can really cause discomfort and can be over 400 dollars.

    Anyone else have experience with teeth whitening with fairly stained teeth???

    1. Oxford Coma*

      I have life-long tooth discoloration due to my childhood asthma inhaler. (Now they recommend using an inhaler before rinsing and brushing. Back in the 70s/80s, they said to use the inhaler as the last thing before bed.) My tooth are spotty and unevenly colored, like multiple shades of hypomineralization across the teeth.

      I tried the gel-and-customized-tray whitening at the dentist, and it made the regular areas of enamel whiter while not affecting the spots, so all I did was emphasize the difference between the colors. It was expensive and made my teeth and gums quite sore.

      That said, if your staining is mostly even and is surface-level only (as food/drink stains tend to be) you will probably have luck with a similar method. I would suggest trying OTC methods first, because people react differently depending on body chemistry. If the White Strips don’t work, escalating is easier than trying to undo a more severe method.

      2. Loopy*

        Thanks! I do also have two small spots, but they aren’t my primary concern. The point of not being able to undo a more severe method is a good one!

    2. Overeducated*

      My dentist actually recommended the Crest white strips when I asked if any of those products *actually* worked. I haven’t used them yet because I was a congested mouth breather for most of this awful winter and couldn’t face the idea, but at least a professional said they’re legit.

      1. Loopy*

        This is good to know. I always forget to ask my dentist and remember only when I am home.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Just a warning — I have pretty sensitive teeth, and I had terrible pain after using white strips, as in “4 ibuprofen barely took the edge off” kind of pain. It took about 48 hours for the pain to completely subside.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I think my teeth might be very slightly sensitive, so I will try them first on something like a Friday night.

    4. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      peroxide & baking soda seems to work quite well and is quite gentle (my friend has terribly soft enamel and that’s what his dentist recommended for regular brushing, but it has a nifty whitening side-effect)

      1. Loopy*

        I’ll have to add this to my list to look up! I especially like that it won’t hurt enamel (that possibility really makes me nervous!)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        This what my dentist has me doing also. He insisted on me getting an electric tooth brush by sonicare.
        I use it morning and night with the baking perioxide and baking soda to lighten my teeth. It’s working.

        1. Windchime*

          I got a Sonicare in December and it has made a world of difference as far as tooth sensitivity goes. My teeth used to be super sensitive and I had to use a special toothpaste. When I first got the Sonicare, I couldn’t believe that people could hold that against their teeth; the vibrations were too strong and painful.

          Now I love it. My teeth feel amazingly clean, and I use it with a whitening toothpaste because I drink a lot of tea and I do think it helps with the staining. I am not someone who wants the super, unnaturally-white teeth that you see on TV commercials; normal, healthy white is enough for me. Oh, and my first cleaning after a couple of months using the Sonicare was MUCH, much easier. Like….WAY easier.

          Can’t recommend the Sonicare highly enough.

    5. HannahS*

      Personally, I have quite yellow teeth. I asked my dentist about it, and in my case it’s not staining, it’s actually just the colour of my teeth–bone is not white, and just like hair and skin it comes in a variety of shades. I have yellow-er teeth than average and very pale, pinkish skin, and they look more yellow in my face than they would if I had darker skin (i.e. greater contrast). So if your teeth are just naturally yellow, polishing solutions like baking soda, charcoal etc. won’t work, but bleaching would, if that’s what you want. I opted to leave mine alone. I’d say your best bet is to talk to your dentist. You only have one set of teeth, and I think it’s best to leave it to the professionals!

    6. Ann O’Nemity*

      I used Crest white strips before my wedding. They were unpleasant, but not unbearably so. And they did noticeably whiten my teeth by a few shades. For a really special occasion, I’d use them again.

    7. Cambridge Comma*

      I drink my tea black and found that over the counter whitening things (at least the ones they sell in Europe) don’t work. However, a normal cleaning at the dental hygienist gets them off for a year or two.

    8. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      You can get Credt whitestrips from a dentist that are stronger than OTC and they are about 60 dollars. One to two rounds of those brightened my teeth up really well for my wedding and they were way less expensive than professional whitening and way better results than OTC! The dentist actually recommended them over in-chair whitening.

    9. something*

      Not bragging but have very white teeth though I drink lots of coffee and tea. The secret is 3% hydrogen peroxide solution for about $1/quart at any pharmacy. H2O2 is the ingredient in all teeth-whitening products but at much higher concentrations and why they can hurt your teeth. The 3% is super gentle, no pain, but it takes time for full whitening to occur. Just keep using the 3% daily and your teeth will get and remain very white. Dribble a few drops of it on toothbrush bristles, apply toothpaste and brush. Repeat dribbling as needed during brushing cycle (I do 2 times for the teeth and 1 time for the tongue, the bristles will only hold a few drops at any one time anyway). Your teeth will get bright-white in a few weeks, guaranteed, but you won’t notice it from day to day as they whiten. However, the real challenge for a clean mouth is flossing your teeth while holding and sloshing around in your mouth a small amount of mouthwash+H2O2 mixture (I use 2 parts mouthwash to 1 part H2O2 or about a 1% mixture and mixed on the fly, not pre-mixed). The flossing helps to drive H2O2 into the gaps/crevices between teeth and all the way down below the gum line and that H2O2 will oxidize any foreign matter way down there that mechanical flossing didn’t remove. Do this over the bathroom sink as it’ll be very messy when you first try it (I’ve done it a zillion times and it’s still messy). You’d be amazed how cleaner and fresher your mouth and breath will be, and good mouth hygiene is correlated with better health (reduced rate of disease IIRC). I first started using the 3% to make toothpaste foam better while brushing and only noticed the whitening when my dentist asked me one time if I had been getting my teeth whitened by somebody else instead of her. Had been oblivious to it and it is a bit startling when you do notice it. Usual disclaimers apply — I am not a doctor, your mileage may vary, use at your own risk, this is entertainment and not medical advice, etc.

  67. Ann Furthermore*

    Question for the UK contingent. I would love to take my husband and daughter to the UK on vacation next year. I think they’d both love it. The things we’d like to see/do are very far apart. Like my husband likes all those crazy Bigfoot hunting shows, so seeing Loch Ness would be required. I also think he would love Edinburgh. He has also mentioned seeing the cliffs at Dover, and I know he would love to see the WW2 memorials at Omaha Beach, and I know there are ferries available for that.

    At first I was thinking we could rent a car and just drive wherever we wanted to go, but everything I’ve read says that is probably not a good idea, for various reasons.

    So… I was thinking about taking the train to cover the long distances, and then hiring someone for a day or two to drive us around. My dad always did this when we traveled, and it was cool because he would have a couple touristy things we wanted to do, and then he would always ask the driver to take us to the neat out of the way places that most visitors don’t know about. Having our own local tour guide was a really fun way to travel and see things we would not have otherwise.

    Is this even a thing we could do? And how would I go about setting something like that up? My dad would always just go find someone when we got to wherever we were going and hire someone he got a good vibe from, but I’m more of a planner. Ha.

    1. London Calling*

      *but everything I’ve read says that is probably not a good idea, for various reasons*

      I’d like to know why your reading says that before handing out any advice. My first reaction is that it would be expensive to do that rather than hiring a car, and if you don’t want to take trains or drive long distances there are always flights.

      1. London Calling*

        If you want a guide try contacting http://britainsbestguides.org/ once you have decided what you want to see. I’m just baffled by this idea that hiring a car and driving is not a good idea when it seems much the best way to get around.

    2. Kat*

      It’s possible, depending how long you want to go for. Loch Ness isn’t that far from Inverness, and there’s an airport there, so you could always fly to Edinburgh, stay there, take a train to Inverness (or drive – it’s not close by, but it isn’t that bad, maybe 3 hours) and then fly down south and do the Dover/south coast thing, and then get the ferry. Flying is definitely more time saving, although trains aren’t too bad between Edinburgh/London. It’s the factoring in the Highlands that’ll make it require more planning because that’s just further away and less connected, but it is doable!

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Yeah, when I went to Loch Ness I stayed in Inverness (although I had to get there and back via cab because my timing was off so I missed the bus, which was expensive although probably less expensive than actually hiring someone to drive me around all the time). Also took trains between Glasgow, Inverness, and Edinburgh.

      2. Roja*

        I don’t know that flying would even be that time-saving between Edinburgh and London though. It’s what, five hours by train? By the time you take transit to the airport, go through security, wait for your flight, fly, and then get into London from Heathrow/other outer airport, you’re probably looking at the same amount of time, if not more. We flew Edinburgh to Dublin two years ago and it was very time-consuming for such a short flight. I think it took up the entire day up through 2 or 3pm.

        1. Kat*

          Flying from Inverness, not Edinburgh. Which would take less time than driving or getting the train all the way down to the south coast of England.

    3. Jules the First*

      If you want to do both Dover and Loch Ness, it’s possible by train, but probably cheaper to rent a car if you are ok driving on the wrong side of the road. London to Edinburgh has a sleeper train which is comparable to the cost of a hotel for the night (and a fun, very European experience) – it may even go to Inverness (it’s been a while since I went that far north) – and there are plenty of affordable bus tours to Loch Ness from both Edinburgh and Inverness.

      Depending on where you are coming from, there are also usually some budget flight options from the US that land in Glasgow or Edinburgh, so you could start there, work your way south, and fly home from London or Paris. To do Ness, London, Dover and WWII beaches, you’ll need at least two weeks, though.

      1. caledonia*

        Yes, the sleeper does go to Inverness as well as Aberdeen, Glasgow and Edinburgh.
        You can book it 12 months in advance (so great for planners). Does not run on Saturday nights.

    4. caledonia*

      I’m afraid I’ve never heard of personal drivers/tour guides but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. You can, however, do various tours with a company; Edinburgh has several of them that offer tours ranging from 1 day to several days. Loch Ness is 1 of them. So maybe you can do a combination of your own and a guided tour?
      Try Highland Experience Tours, Rabbies, Highland Explorer Tours…there’s loads of them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        For Inverness and the Loch Ness area, I recommend Inverness Tours (invernesstours dot com). I used their share-a-tour thing when I went and it was really nice. The tour guide was from the area and he picked me up at the train station (I took the Caledonian Sleeper train overnight from London). I was able to book it online and it was all very easy. Their website looks like early ’90s shit, but don’t let that put you off.

        The reason I did this was because Loch Ness is 14 miles outside Inverness and I would have otherwise had to take the bus, which would have taken fooking forever. This way was more fun–it ended up just being me, the guide, and an American couple and we had a blast.

        Also, if you’re in Inverness DO NOT MISS Leakey’s Bookshop on Church Street!!!

        For train travel planning, I used The Man in Seat 61 website. The sleeper worked exactly as he said it would. And I booked in advance through trainline dot com; if you do it ahead it’s cheaper but you have to hit it at the right time. Seat 61 guy tells you everything you need to know.

        I mostly did it this way because both Loch Ness and sleeping overnight on a train were bucket list items. :)

    5. Bagpuss*

      Hiring a car would be simplest. Going the other way, I found driving on the ‘wrong ‘ side of the road much easier than I anticipated, and if there are two of you the passenger can help with extra observations! And with satnav on phones etc navigation is easier than when your dad did it.

      You might still want to do the trip from Scotland to Dover / Southern England by rail or air, as it would be less tiring and give you more time to explore.

      (If you do decide to hire a car, specify when you book it that you want an automatic – manual gearboxes are more common here)

      Enjoy your trip

      1. ..Kat..*

        I am one of those people who found it much harder than I anticipated to drive on the other side of the road. I had to stop because I was dangerous.

    6. Amey*

      I think I can see where the hiring a car and driving around might not be the best idea is coming from – these aren’t enormous distances in US terms but they’re quite far in UK terms. We do a journey from the South West to East Anglia every once in a while and I’ve had it take 5 hours and I’ve had it take 10. We’ve also done a 10 hour drive from the South West to the Lake District that should have been half that. So I think it can be tricky for someone not used to driving here to really judge how long it’s going to take them to get from point a to point b and getting stuck in holiday traffic in particular is pretty soul destroying.

      That said, I think driving is probably the easiest way to go. I think a car is going to be more comfortable than that much travel on the train and you can stop when you need to. I’m also pretty sure that it’s possible to hire a driver in the way that you’ve mentioned, but I’m not sure how you’d go about doing it!

      If it was me, I probably wouldn’t try to do that combination of things in one trip (is Dover really going to be worth all that travel for example?) I’d be tempted to just pick one or two key places and then visit lots of things in that area. Also – you could look at internal flights. There are some extremely cheap flights (although they’ll charge you quite a lot for luggage) and you can get across the country in an hour or less.

      1. Amey*

        Oh and I agree with London Calling about expense – train journeys like the ones you’re talking about are likely to be seriously expensive as, of course, will a driver.

    7. Ann Furthermore*

      Thanks all for the replies. The reasons I’ve seen against renting our own car are pretty much what Amey said above: that it’s not like the US where you can jump on the interstate and that driving times can vary significantly . There are some great suggestions here which I’m going to check out.

      Any input on the best time to visit? We’ve had good luck traveling during fall break week in mid October…things tend to be less crowded. But wondering if it might be starting to get too cold.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I would check the school calendars for “half term” dates – there is usually a week out for schools sometime in October at which point anything travel related will get really expensive and really crowded. Just do a google search for half term dates 20xx.

        Southern UK (London and Dover) would be find in October and into November even – probably some rainy days but overall still decent temperature wise. Scotland I imagine would be colder/potentially stormier. The cold is relative – its not really a dry cold like you would get in Chicago or something like that, its more of a damp cold (Seattle ish?) and I dont find it to get really cold until after the holidays. Bring some sweaters and waterproof coats and you should be just fine.

        1. Elkay*

          Scotland’s half term is earlier than England’s, as I found out when stuck in Aberdeen airport on a Friday night.

    8. Aealias*

      Fourthing (fifthing? More?) renting a car to get around. Trains in the UK are AWESOME, but for three people it’d get expensive, and I never particularly enjoyed busing. A car gives you a ton more flexibility, especially for things like driving around Loch Ness to see it from different angles, or visiting a distillery, or getting out to Culloden (which depressed the everliving heck out of me but might appeal to a military history buff).

      Dover’s military tunnels (built for the Napoleonic wars, already pretty worthless by the time they were actually used in WWI) are also neat for a history buff, and Dover castle is hands-on in a way a lot of other sites weren’t, so I found it worthwhile. It’s also pretty close to Leeds castle (for North American values of “close”) so there’s definitely more to do in that area. Heck, just visit a High Street, it’s a concept that just isn’t matched in my North American experience. I lived in Maidstone, where the downtown was pretty small and adorable, but Canterbury’s probably the one I’d most recommend of those I saw.

      Parking can be a beast at all but the big tourist sites – I’d attempt to park the car and leave it in Edinburgh and London, at the very least.

      Even to do Loch Ness/Culloden/Edinburgh, I’d figure on 4 or 5 days, if you want to do the South-East of England too you’d be best to budget two weeks.

        1. London Calling*

          Certainly not if they use them for commuting (yes South Western trains, I AM looking at you).

        2. Aealias*

          It’s all relative. Trains in Canada are a hideously expensive event, not a method of transportation. Inter-city transport that operates darn near like a subway system was heaven. So much better than slow, costly long-haul buses. I mean, I’m grateful for Greyhound, but it’s nothing on a train.

      2. Serious Sam*

        Note that Leeds Castle is in Kent, nowhere near Leeds the city in West Yorkshire.

    9. Roja*

      Hm… I don’t think that would be too hard at all. A good option would be open jaw the flight so you fly into Edinburgh and out of London or Paris. You could rent a car in Scotland or do one of those day tours; there should be a ton that go to Loch Ness. We did one from Edinburgh to Loch Lomond/Trossachs/Stirling two years ago and although it was a full day, it was really well done. With all the good and fast train connections between London and Dover, it might not be worth dealing with the stress of renting a car, driving on the other side of the road, London traffic. The Omaha Beach thing though I don’t know anything about.

      It could look like this, which is pretty similar to how we split time between Edinburgh and Dublin on our trip.
      Day 1, fly into Edinburgh, sightsee
      Day 2 sightsee Edinburgh
      Day 3 daytrip Inverness/Loch Ness
      Day 4 transfer to London, sightsee
      Day 5-6 London sightsee
      Day 7 day trip Dover (or stay in Dover for the ferry)
      Day 8 onwards Omaha Beach and fly home… I haven’t done enough research on that area to know times, distances, etc.

    10. Cambridge Comma*

      I have also never heard of it but then locals wouldn’t be the target market. However, I think these days you could get the secret local tips on-line (and probably right here). Staying in small b&bs might also be a way to get local insight.
      Trains can be expensive and unreliable. I don’t mind the National Express personally but journeys take so much longer on the coach. Driving might be a good option as the distances really aren’t far but there are also budget internal flights.
      Also, go to Cambridge :-)

    11. Jemima Bond*

      Afraid I can’t help with car and driver concept; I’ve never heard of such a thing although I don’t see why it wouldn’t exist in some format.
      By way of trying to actually be helpful; Scotland is at the top and Dover is right at the bottom and whilst the distances involved are a mere nothing if you live in a large American state like, I dunno, Texas, it seems to me that planning something in between would be a good idea. A shame to come all this way and not visit London (if you decide to, post again and I am sure I won’t be alone in weighing in with advice and suggestions!). Other interesting places vaguely between Edinburgh and Dover include:
      York (vikings; Romans, wonky old buildings, a massive cathedral; what’s not to love)
      The Lake District (wander lonely as a cloud…)
      Oxford (ancient seat of learning with fabulous architecture and history, set amongst beautiful countryside)
      A castle of some sort – Warwick is good, or Leeds Castle between London and Dover, something like that. I don’t believe there’s much of that in the US so you might as well see something you can’t see at home!
      With London those would be my recommendations for some good solid Britishness!
      As your plans solidify do let us know – if your OH likes military history I can (with help of Mr Bond who is of similar tastes and a reservist) point you towards some interesting things on your route I am sure.

  68. Oxford Coma*

    Cat owners: have you noticed any changes in your pets since Frontline changed their formula/packaging? As soon as I started using the new Deeps-Woods-scented liquid in the press-and-twist tube, I’ve seen some changes in my cats and I’m not sure if it’s related.

    Two of the cats act groggy and listless for ~24 hours after I apply the drops. They just lie around and can’t even be bothered to get up for a meal. It took me a couple of months to see the pattern, and I’m not positive it’s correlated, but it seems likely.

    Also: thanks to everyone who recommended joint supplements a few weeks ago. I’ve ordered several of your recommendations on Chewy, and am going to try them all out.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I had switch away from frontline last year because the local fleas just laughed at it. I’d ask the vet about that reaction though, seems concerning to me. Or just try a different product. My vet had me try Advantage II for cats. Not sure if it’s a winner yet, but it’s been winter.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I don’t know the whys, but I do know my vet’s office doesn’t offer Frontline anymore, only Revolution. My cats have always been on Revolution so I didn’t inquire further about it (can’t even remember how it got brought up in the first place). Now I wish I had! I would definitely not use that anymore–or at least talk to your vet first about alternatives if she thinks they are necessary. My cats have never had any reactions from Revolution besides squinting from the alcohol smell and running away from me after I’ve applied it.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I noticed the same thing with Frontline years ago. Not feeling I had much choice I kept using it. I am not a fan of synthetics, I prefer naturals but the fleas seem super resistant so I went with the Frontline. Because of the grogginess I am not totally thrilled with the product.
      I think the animal’s age may be a factor in all this too.

    4. Belle di Vedremo*

      I’m with asking your vet about options. Frontline has had some issues. I wouldn’t want to continue with a treatment getting you those results, especially if it’s not a one-off.

    1. fposte*

      No, but Alison changed some backend stuff at one point that means they’re all closed on posts before a certain date.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Actually, they do close automatically after a certain period of time, but I forget what that period of time is! It’s months, though, not weeks.

    1. nep*

      Best: Still back-pain-free. Indescribable relief.
      Worst: Related to what we talk about other days of the week.

      1. fposte*

        Did anything in particular get you there, nep, or did the back just finally start settling down?

        1. nep*

          Non-conventional, non-mainstream — and I just wouldn’t be able to explain it well or properly here.
          Thanks.

    2. Fiennes*

      Best: got the one key document that secures Italian citizenship for me and several members of my family—and since it was a record from a Sicilian village in the 1870s, we’re as much surprised as thrilled!

      Worst: Am on 36 hour work trip, and the scheduler seems to have chosen flight times/paths specifically to make the journey as exhausting as possible.

    3. Turtlewings*

      BEST: happened to have the day off work yesterday to nurse my cold so I didn’t have to take sick time for it.

      WORST: that would be “multiple dogs relieving themselves in multiple ways for multiple reasons all over the house” for five hundred, Alex.

    4. LCL*

      Best: Mr Dog is getting better every day recovering from kennel cough.
      Worst: still beating myself up with guilt over boarding him for 3 nights so we could go to Norwescon.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Ugh, right there with you. Mine has kennel cough as we speak (he was there for two weeks). He’s going back in May for a few days so I’m worried now.

    5. HannahS*

      Best: I found an apartment! It’s a cute wee little condo with loads of natural light and great amenities. SO glad to leave my overheated, poorly managed, roach-infested apartment. Can’t wait for May!

      Worst: Someone in my life has been very ill and was just diagnosed with bipolar 2. We are all hoping he’ll get some relief from his depression in the next few weeks, but of course it’s hard to see him so unwell, and important-but-tiring to support the people who are supporting him. Additionally, my own joints have been giving me a lot of trouble lately, in a horrible, inflammation-y way, which is weird because I have fibromyalgia, and that is definitely not responsible for swelling of tendons. The prospect of going back to my doc and beginning medical investigations all over again makes me want to weep. Also, my family doc (whom I adore and trust) lives in a different city from where I’ve moved to for school, making this even more challenging. And I am on a waiting list to be checked out for Ehlers-Danlos, but the waiting list was a year and I’m still a good six months away. ARGH.

      1. Mimmy*

        Hannah, congrats on the new apartment, but I’m sad to hear about everything else going on. It sounds like your current place is terrible, so hopefully the move in May will do you some good. Natural light in particular can be really beneficial.

    6. Red*

      Best: Finally did a thing for myself and went on my first vacation alone!
      Worst: I’m in school, and will absolutely get terrible grades on my assignments this week because of it.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: THE SUN FINALLY CAME OUT (but brought cold weather with it, erggh). BUT SUN, YAY \0/

      WORST: Dental visit. Expensive because they wouldn’t see me unless I agreed to get x-rays since it had been a while. Plus, I seem to have an infection in my gum and they have no idea what it is or how it got there. It started with a tooth pain at Christmas, which went away, and then a bump above my tooth showed up and has been hanging about mostly painlessly. I’m now on antibiotics to see if that helps.

    8. Dr. KMnO4*

      Best: Job prospects looking up. Made a new friend at work. Real Madrid beat Juventus in the first leg, in Italy. Going to see my husband on Tuesday. Played well in my concerts this past week.

      Worst: Feud with my neighbor over parking. We live in a 4 unit building. There are 4 clearly labelled spots, one for each unit. Two nights last week I came home and he was parked in my spot. Yes, he lives with a friend and both have cars, so it sucks that they only have one spot. However, the solution is not to treat parking as a free-for-all and just usurp my spot. Not only did he take my spot but he got upset when I asked him (nicely) to move his car. There is free parking less than two blocks away. There are plenty of solutions to his problem that don’t involve me, and it’s really frustrating that he’s getting mad at me.

    9. Mimmy*

      Best: Logistics for upcoming conference are starting to look less hairy then expected.

      Best 2: Although it’s still chilly at times, it’s finally starting to feel like spring.

      Worst: Thanks to weather-related closures, we are up to our ears in students at work (we get 2 new students every other week), and my schedule has been insane in the last couple of weeks. Tomorrow, I have one period where I’ll have THREE students! (usually it’s 1 or 2 at a time). Waaaaahhhhh :'(

    10. Windchime*

      Best: Like nep, I am inexplicably back-pain free for the first time in over 2 years. It has been getting gradually better since I was seeing Awesome Physical Therapist last fall, but I was still feeling twinges in my left leg. The other day, I was doing my “butt-squeeze” exercise and I felt a tiny click in my left hip–and now the pain is gone.

      Worse: Rain. Rain. and more Rain. I was going to go out and buy some plants for my pots today, but they will just get waterlogged and die with all this rain.

      1. nep*

        So glad for your relief from back pain.
        My improvement isn’t inexplicable — I just don’t want to go into things here / couldn’t really explain things properly in this forum.
        Here’s to back-pain-free life.

    11. Alston*

      Best: got engaged!

      Worst: I have food poisoning and it is the worst. Pretty sure I got it from where we went out for a celebratory dinner.

  71. Nacho*

    Apparently I need glasses. I sort of knew, since I can’t read anything farther than about 20 feet away, but I was kind of hoping not being able to read things 20 ft away was just normal for people. I’m just glad my office offers pretty good vision coverage. Glasses are really expensive.

    1. Reba*

      They are! If it helps, I am very happy with the ones I have gotten from one of the online shops for about 100 bucks. You get a prescription with your eye exam, they send you frames to try on, you order.

      1. Birch*

        I recommend Zenni Optical–and friends have recommended Glasses Direct. It shouldn’t cost you anything like 100 bucks unless you have eyes as bad as mine with -9 diopter and astigmatism. The online shops are really a great option!

    2. Red*

      Try Zenni! The prices are so low as to seem really sketchy, but I swear to you that they are not. It’s where my husband and I have been buying our glasses for years.

      1. heckofabecca*

        Yeah, my brother gets his from Zenni and he hasn’t spent more than $40 bucks on a pair. I think they do sunglasses too? If you can read up to 20 feet away, you probably won’t be needing to pay the steeper prices!

    3. Windchime*

      Also, Costco if you have a membership. I bought two pairs there last fall for less than I would normally pay for one pair at an optical shop. The exam was also very inexpensive. They are really good glasses and they got the prescriptions right the first time. (I have one pair for computer and another for driving).

  72. Anon Today*

    I need to vent for a moment. I realise I am sulking and sound like I’m being a baby and it’s a first world problem. My fiance just got divorced. His ex-wife is not changing her name back to her maiden name. She is keeping her married name. Her reasoning is that she is well known doctor and is known by that name. They were married before she started med school. I know it makes sense and it’s a valid reason. I am still bummed out. My fiance’s last name is uncommon. His family is the only one in America with that name. I know women can keep their names but his sister and cousins (all women) did not keep their names when they were married. Our son has his last name. I don’t want to keep my name because it comes from my father who is not in my life. I am upset (probably irrationally) that I won’t be the only Mrs His Last Name because his first wife is keeping it. She is also more well known than I will ever be. I try telling myself I am being silly but it doesn’t help. Compounding things is that by the law here he wasn’t able to get spousal support on the divorce. He’s unemployed at the moment and I’m on mat leave. No spousal support means we are stuck renting because we can’t afford a down payment to buy. It was just a rough week. I realize I get to marry the man I love and we have a healthy baby and a place to live and I’m employed so the name is small potatoes but I can’t help feeling upset. Thanks for listening everyone.

    1. KatieKate*

      I’m not sure if this helps… but can you think of her as Dr. Last Name instead of Mrs. Last Name? If keeping her name was so important, I would assume she goes by Dr. most of the time. That way you and your finance are Mr. & Mrs. and she is a separate entity.

    2. Anonymouse*

      Based on the timeline, of your son is already born and he just got divorced… you were pregnant when he was still married? So he was cheating on his wife with you and your mad because she’s keeping her name and not paying money to her cheating ex?

      Sorry no sympathy.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Harsh. They could have been separated and then Anon got in a relationship with Mr. Unusual Last Name. (Divorce takes a while.)

        Anon also acknowledges that she’s being a little irrational about it, which…I agree with that (It’s not Dr. Unusual Last Name’s responsibility to turn her professional identity upside-down to manage your feelings, Anon), but she’s also allowed to be a little bit miffed by it. It does sound a little difficult to deal with. And even if he did cheat on his ex wife with Anon, that shouldn’t totally invalidate Anon’s feelings.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        People do date when they’re separated. Divorce can take time even when the two parties have moved on emotionally from the marriage. Having done it, I don’t recommend it because it can be complicated, but each situation is different.

      3. NaoNao*

        I mean! She could be in a very accelerated time line here: let’s say they met when the fiance first got separated, dated for 6 months, got engaged, and she’s at, maybe 3-4 months pregnant. That could be under a year total.

        Now it’s…not very likely (stranger things have happened, for sure) but as others have pointed out, lengthy separations are a real thing, and some can drag on for years.

      4. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I know someone whose husband left her but had to wait five years to divorce her because she wouldn’t agree to it.

        In that situation, I’d be open about the logistics of it, but I think it’d be really harsh to expect someone not to get into a serious relationship in the meantime.

        Obviously this might not be the situation…. but we don’t know either way, so there’s no need to be so harsh.

      5. Little Bean*

        Anonymouse, there’s no reason to assume this. People are sometimes separated for YEARS before they start official divorce proceedings, and then that process can take a while too.

      6. Anon Today*

        Anonumymouse is right. Thank you to everyone who defended me and wanted to help. That’s why the law barred him from spousal support. Thank you to all for the wise words and advice.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          …I mean, they were right on the facts, and the court was probably well within their rights to not provide spousal support. (Not a lawyer, but…that’s a major ouch.) But you can still be annoyed about the name situation, and regardless of how the divorce is playing out, the ex-wife has the right to go by whatever name she chooses.

          But yeah, this complicates things a little bit.

    3. Triple Anon*

      I think that when a little thing upsets you, it’s usually because it’s symbolic of something bigger. I would reflect on the bigger issues in the relationship and what the possible solutions are.

    4. heckofabecca*

      As others have pointed out, fiancé’s ex isn’t Mrs XXX anymore, she’s Dr. or Ms. or Miss XXX.
      Story time: my last name is also unique—there are 14 of us the world, since my husband’s grandfather Hebraicized his German name when he emigrated to Israel. And guess what—my husband’s brother’s wife is ALSO Rebecca. We have the exact same name… and the same hair color, and we’re both pale, and we both do art, and we both dislike driving… It’s a pain to be called Husband’s Becca! I’m my own person! Anyway XD Phew. Commisseration!

      It’s so hard to have rational “this is silly” thoughts but still be affected by it. I hope you’re able to move past it soon.

    5. valentine*

      Given her title and renown, I don’t know that random people will assume she’s related to your husband, much less (still) his wife. Unless they have a child (and she doesn’t want to do a lot of paperwork to pick up her kid from a sexist school) or his family thinks of her as the real Mrs., she’s literally family in name only. If spousal support would end on remarriage, you are free. Her importance to your life is up to you.

    7. Trisana chandler*

      Perhaps it’s missing out on spousal support that has made this sting especially for you? Once you adjust to knowing that money isn’t there and planning around that, and hopefully when your fiance gets a job it might seem a bit less of an issue as you can start looking forward to the life you’re building together.

    8. Kat*

      It does sound like you have other concerns that are playing out through this name worry. Remember that women aren’t bound by law to change their names. You’ve listed reasons why you don’t want to keep yours, which are obviously totally valid and up to you, but taking his name is your choice and I guess in this situation you might just need to accept that the choice will involve living with the fact his ex also has the same name.

    9. Epsilon Delta*

      Hey Anon, I get it. It’s a deep down, gut-level emotion and you can’t logic yourself out of it. You’re allowed to feel it, but try not to feed it.

      It may help you to write your thoughts down with a pen and paper. It forces you to slow down your thoughts, and it also puts a physical container around the problem. Your thoughts will fit onto just a few pages or less. That’s a small problem and you can deal with it – it has a physical beginning and end. I find that when I write down thoughts like this, they run out of steam very quickly. What could keep going around in circles in my mind for hours takes me maybe 20 minutes to write down and it breaks some kind of endless loop in my brain.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I like this a lot. It’s practical advice that would fit many situations, too.

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      My sister never changed her name when she got married because she’d developed a reputation in the local theater company. I don’t see how this is any different. Nor does it prevent you from changing your name when you two marry. If your fiance had 10 brothers who all married women who changed their names, you wouldn’t be the only Mrs Lastname.

    11. Little Bean*

      My mom kept her married name after my parents divorced, because my sister and I were still in school and she wanted to have the same last name as her kids. Even though we’re both adults now, she’s still never changed it back – honestly, I think she’s just used to her name now and doesn’t want to deal with the hassle. My dad is remarried and everyone is friendly with each other, and as far as I know, the name doesn’t cause any friction at all. From my perspective, the name isn’t what makes you family anyway (of course, I say that as someone who doesn’t plan to change her name after marriage). Believe the reasoning you are (correctly) telling yourself that this is small potatoes, and all the things that really matter are going in your favor.

    12. Scubacat*

      But you are the only Mrs. His Lastname in the world. Your husband and his former spouse have completely severed ties. Can you try to thin of her as Ms. Lastname or Dr.Lastname? It’s understandable that you’re grumpy about all this. It probably feels like an intruder is stomping around your unique territory. Being upset for a while is an okay feeling to have. Try to focus on the fact that you are the now and always future Mrs. His Lastname.

    13. Jemima Bond*

      You know what, i’d be annoyed too! Whilst acknowledging that if the ex gained her doctorate with that name she probably needs to keep it, blah blah…I’d still be like, huh, that’s my name now she should just bog off…
      Not helpful except to say I don’t think you are being that weird. There are always situations where Rational Brain is all, no this is actually fine, and Other Brain is like, grrrr sulk stamp feet. Just grit your teeth and be gracious; there is a time and a place for faking it and this could well be it.

  73. Terrible roommate?*

    My social awkwardness got me into a less-than-ideal situation, and now I’m not sure how to get out of it. I was looking for a roommate last summer to save money on housing and coincidentally contacted a stranger on Craigslist who turned out to be my coworker’s daughter. (I actually posted about this situation on this site back then … wish I’d listened to the advice I got!) At the time, I wasn’t sure how to pull back and say “Actually, never mind” without seeming weird, and I thought that the added social pressure could be motivating.

    Well, over half a year later, things aren’t terrible, but I’ve realized that my social anxiety makes having a roommate difficult for me. I constantly feel self-conscious — am I spending too long in the kitchen, do I spend a pathetic amount of time reading/watching TV, etc. Obviously these are my own issues, but I wish I could return to independent living.

    My question is, how terrible is it to move out after a year? (The lease renews at the end of August.) Could it give my coworkers a negative impression of me? I’m not sure how I would frame the decision to my roommate, though it may be possible to make it a question of money (it’s a nicer apartment, so I could theoretically find a cheaper studio somewhere).

    1. nep*

      This resonates with me in a huge way — I get what you mean about constantly feeling self-conscious living with other people. That is a burden and a source of stress you don’t need.
      My 2 cents — you’ve got to do exactly what you need to do for you. In the end that will be the best for everyone involved.

    2. caledonia*

      TBH I think it will be fine. Normal, reasonable people will be fine. It’s not like you moved in and back out in a week or anything, a year is perfectly acceptable.

    3. Reba*

      “Hey, I want to let you know that I plan to move out when the lease is up.” (tell them as soon as you can, the more notice the less of a pain it is for them to find a new roommate/make the own plans)

      If they ask why, “I’ve realized I really want to live on my own for a while.” (Friendly smile, no mention of anxiety or whatever — this is an extremely normal desire)

      I cannot think of any reason this would reflect negatively on you at work.

      1. Reba*

        to add, you don’t need a good enough reason to move out. There is no board that judges who has legitimate reasons to move out. You just want to, that’s enough!

      2. ainomiaka*

        +1 to this. Tell her you don’t wanna resign the lease, make sure your name isn’t on it next year, give her all the time you can. Beyond that, declining to resign a lease is super normal.

    4. zora*

      Don’t worry about it!! A year is pretty standard for moving in various roommate situations. I had many roommates move in/out within a year or so. You don’t have to have reasons, just say you are planning to move at the end of the lease. If anyone asks why they are probably not digging for details, just being friendly, so you can be vague about it. Oh, I found a great place. or Oh, I just am ready to move, nothing specific.

    5. Natalie*

      I think you probably know this – you’re really overthinking it! Moving out after a year is 100% fine and normal, and you don’t need to get into a long explanation with your roommate. “I think I’d like to try living alone.” That’s it, no further framing necessary.

      I would recommend giving her a reasonable amount of notice, though, so she has time to find a replacement roommate if she wants to.

    6. LilySparrow*

      As long as you’re not sticking your roommate with any unfair costs and give ample notice, I can’t imagine how any reasonable person would get a bad impression of you.

    7. Lindsay J*

      I completely get you.

      I can’t deal with living with anyone other than my significant other anymore. My social anxiety is just too bad. My last roommate was amazing in that we literally never saw each other, and I still believed deep in the back of my mind that she hated me.

      I think you are fine moving out after a year. That is what my most recent roommate did. And she used the same exact reason – she found a studio apartment cheaper than we were paying, so moved into that instead.

      I still kind of thought she moved away because she hated living with me, but then I saw by chance on a forum we both used that she moved because the studio apartment was nicer and closer to her job. So it seems that was actually the reason.

      I would say that if you can, give her a couple months notice before you move out so she has time to find a new roommate if she wants to stay there. I was working a lot at the time my roommate moved out, and then I got sick and wound up with bronchitis, and with the 30 days notice she gave me I didn’t have time to scout out a new roommate or find a new place to live. That kind of sucked. Having more warning time would have let me have my ducks in a row better without having to be afraid I was going to be immediately evicted.

  74. Junior Dev*

    I just saw the following Reddit comment on therapy (user mwilke) and I thought I’d share, since I’ve seen a few people here ask questions about therapy.

    “If your car makes weird noises and you don’t know how to fix it, you go to a mechanic.

    If your toilet makes weird noises and you don’t know how to fix it, you call a plumber.

    If your brain makes weird noises and you don’t know how to fix it, you go to a therapist.

    That’s all a therapist is – just another trained professional who knows how to service a complex system. It’s no big deal.”

    I thought that was really smart. Therapy doesn’t always work for everyone, and sometimes you need to spend some time finding the right therapist for you. But ultimately it doesn’t mean you’re weird or broken or messed up, it just means you have some patterns going on that you’d like to address, and it makes sense to get help from a trained professional.

  75. Jake Peralta's Wife*

    I’m feeling super frustrated and need an outsider’s perspective.

    A bit of background – we live about an hour’s drive (without traffic, otherwise longer) from my parents’ house. One of my brothers (who is an adult) still lives with them due to disabilities. My mother has many sensitivities as well (allergic to just about everything including food additives, scents, etc) and things have gotten to the point where no matter what we do (wash clothes in non-scented detergent, use unscented body wash and lotion, etc), we still “make her sick” whenever we visit. She has gotten increasingly sensitive over the years and as a result we only see them a handful of times throughout the year. She also keeps a weird a sleeping schedule despite being unemployed – she gets up between 4-5 PM and stays up all night and then goes to bed in the early hours. In addition to this, she attends church on Saturday evenings at 5:30 PM instead of Sunday mornings.

    As you might guess, this makes family gatherings a bit of an issue. She used to hold them on Saturdays and would either skip church or have us come over at 7 PM. Lately, though, she wants to do stuff on Friday and Sunday evenings. This is a pain for me and my spouse (as well as my other brother, although he lives closer) because traffic on Fridays is horrible. Plus after having worked all week, Fridays are usually reserved for relaxing on the couch. Sundays are equally unappealing because we like to wind down before having to go back to work. If she kept a normal schedule and had us over early on a Sunday afternoon it wouldn’t be so bad, but no one can come before 5 PM at the earliest due to her schedule. And on some occasions when she’s asked us to be there at 5 PM we arrive and she’s still showering and getting ready. Yet when we’ve arrived just a bit later to try and avoid that scenario, (once only 5 minutes past the time the official party start time), we’re given grief for being late.

    I get that it’s her house, but considering that she’s inconveniencing all of her guests, am I right to be annoyed that she can’t just skip church once in awhile and have a party on Saturday so we can hang out without being under time pressure? It’s bad enough the time we’re allowed to arrive keeps getting later and later. We like to make the most of these increasingly rare visits by staying as long as possible but we don’t want to be up until the wee hours because then we sleep in the next day which makes that day largely unproductive (during the week we get up at 5 AM and weekends usually 7 AM). It’s really annoying and souring our relationship because I feel like we always have to work around her unusual schedule. I also feel like she doesn’t care about our side of things because she can’t relate (she hasn’t worked for decades and when she did it was always part time).

    How annoyed would this make you feel? I get super irritated whenever events come up now.

    1. Junior Dev*

      “And on some occasions when she’s asked us to be there at 5 PM we arrive and she’s still showering and getting ready. Yet when we’ve arrived just a bit later to try and avoid that scenario, (once only 5 minutes past the time the official party start time), we’re given grief for being late.”

      Wow, that’s rude. Yeah, she doesn’t get to criticize you for being 5 minutes late when she’s so inconsistent.

      She sounds exhausting. I’d figure out how much you want to interact with her (once a month? Every two months? For half an hour, 2 hours, etc) and then say no to anything outside those parameters. And factor in dealing with her weirdness when figuring out how much time and energy you intend to spend on plans with her.

    2. Lehigh*

      Very annoyed. It’s terrible for her that she’s developed such severe sensitivities to things, but I truly do not understand why she’s also set up such an inflexible and inconvenient-for-everyone-else schedule. Are her allergies less severe at night? If there isn’t an explanation that’s related to the illness, it seems very strange.

      Whether intentional or not, IMO this is definitely driving-everyone-away type behavior.

    3. KR*

      Honestly, I feel like she would start keeping a more normal schedule or be more accommodating if you guys stopped coming when the time doesn’t work for you. This arrangement works for her right now because you still come see her. If you still want to see her, can you arrive at the time she says and go home when it’s right for you? Then if she complains you could say, “It’s a shame our schedules don’t line up more, Mom! It’s pretty late for us and we have to go.” Or if she wants you to come over on a Sunday evening, you could say tell her that doesn’t work for you but you can come over earlier in the afternoon if she can make that work? Once she stops seeing you, she’ll probably complain but you can turn it back on her. “Well mom, we have to work during the day so doing late night visits tires us out. What a shame!” Make it so if she wants to see you she will have to adjust her schedule?

    4. ARA*

      Wow, I got pretty irritated just reading that. My MIL is similar to your mom that my DH and his siblings decided to set up a date and time once a month at a restaurant that’s equal distance for everyone. If you’re late, too bad we’re eating without you. It took about MIL 6 months without seeing before she got the hint that we’re not bending the rules for her. She actually shows up on time since then.

    5. LCL*

      You would be doing your mother a kindness by pushing as hard as you can to get her to see a modern medical doctor.

      1. LCL*

        I thought about my response for awhile and realize I kinda missed the point.

        In my family, the person who isn’t working is expected to adjust the schedule to the person who is. But, your mom is working taking care of your brother. She has chosen a schedule that works for her. She is also being a bit of a martyr; how often do you have these family gatherings? It is normal for many families to only meet a handful of times a year. The way I interpret your post, your mom tends your brother, and hosts the family gatherings, and someone, not clear if it is you or her, would like to have weekly gatherings on top of this.

        You and your mother and your mother’s partner/husband/wife (who is conspicuous by their absence in this saga)should have an honest conversation about frequency of visits, who is going to help with brother, and what will happen with brother when she can’t do it anymore.

        TLDR: mom is using allergies as an excuse because she is worn out. Figure out how to lighten her load, if she will let you.

        1. Emilie*

          I don’t think there’s anything wrong with suggesting that people see a doctor, if their allergies makes visits by family an issue (I’m allergic to scents myself, and will sometimes have to decline hugs and handshakes from people if they’re wearing a lot of perfume). There’s also a possibility, that the strange schedule and weird behaviour is, as you yourself suggest, a symptom of her having a lot on her plate (allergies, taking care of her disabled son, and so forth), which would suggest that she might benefit from talking to a professional about being exhausted, or anything else that’s she suffering with as a result of all of her responsibilities.
          Your comment might have come off a bit harsher than you intended, but I think it’s reasonable and very caring to suggest it :)

        2. Jake Peralta's Wife*

          Oh believe me, I’ve tried with the whole doctor thing. Everyone has. She claims any medication makes her feel worse than she already does. She used to take allergy shots but those apparently bother her now. Her diet has also been reduced to literally only a handful of foods she can eat (according to her) and that list continues to get smaller. I have my own health oddities, so I try not to question hers, but we’re all convinced at least half of her issues are, if not caused by, at least intensified by, anxiety/depression. But again, she won’t take medication for that. I also think her sleeping schedule makes her health worse because she’s not getting much sunlight. She doesn’t socialize with anyone but family either (zero friends).

          I already know that once my parents are gone I will be looking after my brother, but he’s functional enough that he would be able to live on his own so long as I live nearby to take care of meal prep and possibly laundry/cleaning. I’m not even sure how much my mom does for him is necessary vs he allows it because he’d rather not do it. I say this because he drives her around town, mows the lawn, and shovels snow (don’t get me started on why my dad doesn’t do those things), so he’s physically mobile and able to do work, but my mom prepares his meals, does his laundry, and keeps his room clean anyway.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Meal prep, laundry and cleaning is a huge commitment. You might be fine with it, but running two households is very time consuming. Does he need help with bill paying and making sure his insurance covers his medical needs?

          2. LCL*

            Your brother sounds like he has quite a lot going on and can do for himself. That is great. I have seen exactly the dynamic you describe, parents have a special needs child and become so involved in that role they can’t relinquish any control. No specifics because those stories aren’t mine to tell.

            I think since your mum has dug in, setting up a strict schedule for your visits is all that is within your power. Decide before you get there when you will leave. Stop trying to stay as long as possible.

    6. BRR*

      I’d be pretty annoyed. I’ve been on a kick lately of everyone has different schedules so I’d focus less on her schedule is off and more on “we need to have things work for both of our schedules.” Id just be upfront and say you need her to work a little more with your schedule but I’m pretty combative with my parents haha

    7. Friday*

      How about you guys, other brother, and any other family that wants to, goes out to a restaurant at like 7pm on Sat? Or brunch on Sat? Always invite your Mom but this way she at least isn’t the family gatekeeper for you to see everyone else. And she’ll learn that her weird schedule will get her left out unless she at least tries to adapt.

      1. Jake Peralta's Wife*

        That’s actually something we’ve considered doing in lieu of being “bullied” into coming over when it’s not convenient. My other brother has done something similar in the past as well.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      This could just keep getting worse and worse until you put your foot down. You gave her an inch and she took a mile. Not only is her schedule unusual, there is no apparent need and it keeps changing. If that is not enough once you get there she is rude.

      You could:
      Tell her you will visit with her over Skype from now on.

      Decide to go see her once or twice a year and no more.

      Decide not to see her anymore period.

      Decide that it’s time to move your brother out of that house and get him in a group home setting. Or not. Since your brother is in a protected class you may be able to find help with this aspect of the setting. But this may not be something you can take on, so there is that, too.

      Try to see that her pattern is getting more ridiculous. If you do not say NO now, something will change to the point that you will HAVE to say NO. It’s now or later, really.

      The rudeness would cure me. Someone says they have a problem seeing me, I am done. But that is a result of my own life experiences with my own mother. I tried too hard and I tried too long. I should have given up much sooner than I did.

    9. NaoNao*

      Feel ya so hard.
      My mother is a very nice person who has several interlocking vague, invisible, non-diagnosable, or clearly the doctor is humoring her, ailments.
      She honestly uses these to get out of doing things she doesn’t want to do, for sympathy, for some kind of weird uniqueness (how sad) and for a twisted kind of “entertainment” (like, to have something going on in her life).
      Could you use emails, cards, letters, Skype, packages, and so on to keep in touch and keep the relationship alive? That’s kind of where I’m at with my Ailments and Church TM mom.

    10. Sylvan*

      She’s really done such a good job of making herself difficult to visit. Has she been doing okay lately?

      1. Jake Peralta's Wife*

        Funny you say that because it DOES bother her (because of all the products people wear), so she doesn’t even stay for the full mass. Which on some level is even MORE aggravating to me. Like we all have to work around your schedule and you don’t even stay the whole time?

    12. Jake Peralta's Wife*

      For everyone suggesting we hold firm and she’ll come around, I’m not so sure she will. She’s pretty stubborn, plus she basically said she’s not really up to company lately anyway, which is why the last time we even saw her was for Christmas. It really seems like I would rather see her than the other way around.

      On top of that, because of her sensitivities she’s only been to my home twice in over a decade and those were very short (about an hour) visits at that. I can’t host holidays because she just won’t come. It sucks because if I want to see live at home brother my choices are bend to her will or drive all the way down there to get him and then drive him back (he drives, but not long distances and won’t use expressways).

      1. Natalie*

        As absolutely annoying as this is, there isn’t anything you can do to get her to change her weird requirements. These are not things she reasoned herself into, so you cannot reason her out of them.

        I would focus your energy on figuring out what you want within these parameters. Using holidays as an example: she won’t come to holidays you host. That stinks, and it isn’t fair, but it seems to be her reality.

        So now you have to decide, is it more important for me to have holidays with the whole family together, even though they are a giant pain for many reasons, or would I prefer holidays be less stressful but not everyone will be there? Maybe you want a mix of things, sometimes you go to her house even though it is very hard, other times you let her participation go and do your own thing with you and your brother’s family.

  76. Gaia*

    I got a tattoo coverup 10 days ago (my fourth tattoo) and have two statements and a question

    1. Holy crap watercolor tattoos on your lower leg hurt so bad the next day. It is all shading and I felt like I was going to die. Worth it and all better now

    2. Saniderm is amazing. It barely peeled and didn’t itch at all and it’s through the surface healing. I will use this every tattoo going forward

    3. Any recommendations on how long to wait before my next tattoo? I already know what and where but I don’t know if there’s any recommended wait time between – I’ve always had several months between.

    1. KR*

      1) I got a large color thigh tattoo and same thing, felt terrible for the next couple of days. It hurt to put weight on my leg or straighten it out. Good luck.

      1. Gaia*

        It is much better now thankfully. The crazy thing is this was a rework of a tattoo I had in the same spot a year before and that one didn’t hurt like this. The only explanation is that the original was mostly line work and this was entirely shading (as it is watercolor in style)

    2. periwinkle*

      OMG Saniderm is the best. The tattoo artist was trying it out when I got #4 – it’s expensive to buy in commercial quantities and she wasn’t sure it was worth the cost. It’s worth it. Healing was so much faster. Luckily you can buy your own on Amazon (of course).

      If your next tattoo is in an entirely different spot (not on that leg) and you’re feeling quite normal, I can’t think of any reason to wait months. Ask your tattoo artist if she has a recommendation on that.

      1. Gaia*

        I got some extra pieces on Amazon that I will keep on hand for the next few tattoos. A lot of artists haven’t picked it up yet but it is insanely amazing.

    3. Triple Anon*

      #3 – It depends on how big the tattoos are and how your body reacts. A lot of people feel drained for a day or two after getting tattooed. I’d wait until that’s over and you’re no longer in pain. So a week or so. But also ask your tattooist. They’ll be able to give you more (and better) information.

  77. Gaia*

    Weight loss update

    It’s been a long time since I updated y’all. I’m down a total of 35lbs since September which is great. I still have a long way to go but I’m not focusing on loss right now because life is insane. I’m focusing on making choices that make me feel healthy and strong.

    For those on this journey, keep going! We can do this. It sucks and sometimes you just want the cookie (and it’s okay to have it sometimes!) but nothing is better than self care whatever that is for you.

  78. Struggling Acct Student*

    Hello! I have a school project that requires me to compare the 10Ks of two profitable, competitor (US) companies. We have to avoid Apple, Ford etc. I was going to do fedex and ups but that was taken. Then I was thinking Blue Apron and Hello Fresh but couldn’t find much since they are so new. Any public US companies/prodicts come to your mind? (Wasn’t sure if this was Friday thread material or not.)

    2. Reba*

      Not helpful, but technically Blue Apron et al are not profitable…. ;)

      What about retailers?

    3. KR*

      Starbucks and Green Mountain Coffee Roasters? I did my capstone project on GMCR. Both are publicly traded similar companies. Competitors but also have mutually beneficial relationships. Very interesting.

    4. periwinkle*

      I had a project like that for my accounting/finance course, and wound up choosing Kellogg and General Mills.

    5. Librarian*

      You really need to go talk to a librarian at your school! Not only to find companies but also whatever database can get you a ton of info the companies (which you won’t find on google).

  79. Clicky Clicky*

    At what point do one’s pronouns become ridiculous? I was just had coffee my college-age cousin who told neko (his) pronouns are neko/neki/nekself.

    I get preferred ones for him, her, or even singular they. I can work with zir, but this one takes the cake.

    His* mother (also my cousin) had asked me to talk to him since he has a solid interest in my line of work. I honestly think she was trying to finagle me to get him a very coveted internship, but that’s not happening. This guy was so clueless and unable to carry on a conversation with me and he knows me.

    *I can’t English with the neko thing.

    1. Lehigh*

      Wut.

      I have no insight for you, but that would turn me all the way off. Google tells me “neko” is cat-related, but it’s not a cat pronoun. Cats get pronouned with him, her, or it.

      1. Gatomon*

        Neko = Japanese for cat. Koneko = Japanese for kitten. Nekki = Japanese for hot air.

        Perhaps he is sincere, but it reads to me as mockery of those who use gender-neutral pronouns.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I’ve heard of this kind of nonsense before and just… no. That is not how pronouns work. “Cat” is not a gender. “Cat in Japanese” is still not a gender. Change your gender all you want, I’ll honor your chosen pronouns, that’s basic courtesy. Identify with cats all you want, your choices don’t affect me, carry on. But don’t expect me to break the English language trying to coddle THIS nonsense.

      I’m glad to hear you’re not considering recommending him for anything. He’s obviously not able to conduct himself in a professional manner at this point in his life.

    3. Fiennes*

      You want to respect everyone’s pronouns, but IMO it’s not realistic for people to create new pronouns from scratch for their individual use. They, zir—These are good. They’re useful. But expecting people to remember an entirely different set of pronouns for each individual is impractical at best.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, at that point it is no longer linguistically a pronoun; it’s using different names for different parts of the conversation.

    4. Libervermis*

      It sounds like your frustration with your cousin (and also perhaps frustration with unwanted familial expectations of a Really Big Favor?) might be influencing your view here. The extreme vast majority of people use he/she/they/zie, and while your cousin’s choice of “neko” may not fit the definition of pronoun it is how neko wants to be referred to. Odd? Sure, but we’re also in a period of figuring out alternatives to the he/she binary. Where’s the harm?

      1. Legal Beagle*

        And if I wanted to be called, say, “Your Royal Majesty Legal Beagle” with the pronouns steve/steven/steveself my entire circle of friends and associates should accept this?

        Sounds ludicrious just like these made-up Tumblr-esque pronouns for people who just want to be different.

        They (sing) and Zir and even Hir I can get behind. But a weeaboo wanting to be called “cat” in Japanese as his pronouns is…stupid and illogical.

        1. Triple Anon*

          But it’s fun. I don’t see the harm as long as they understand that not everyone will go along with it. Live and let live.

          1. Observer*

            The issue is that Clicky doesn’t want to be bothered. And, in a case like this it is TOTALLY legitimate. It’s not “lazy” or the least bit inconsiderate or disrespectful.

            Humpty Dumpty may be able to get away with making words mean what he wants them to, but no one else does. At least not if you want to communicate with people and maintain minimally mutually respectful relationships with them.

    5. valentine*

      Unless doing so is racist, use neki preferred pronouns. Insisting on your own terms is just that.

      1. Agender Alex*

        Yeah, no. “Neko” is Japanese for cat. It’s not racist, but as “pronoun” it’s stupid and an insult to LGBTQIA+ folks.

        Source: I’m one of those people. I identify as agender, and my preferred pronoun is singular “they.” However, I realize that most of the world doesn’t know that and/or may have trouble with using it immediately. Since I look male, I take no offense to people calling me “he/him” in passing conversation. I mean, why would I bother to correct the server at the place I got breakfast this morning? But I will remind my cowokers.

        People like Nekiself up there just make things harder for those of us who have a legit gender identity issue.

      2. Observer*

        Why?

        Standard pronouns are NOT Clicky’s “own terms”. Why should this overgrown child get to dictate that everyone use home-made up language around him?

    6. Lissa*

      Yeah I’ve seen this here and there and….sorry I can’t get behind it. I will try to use whatever pronouns someone wants but in my head this type of thing does not seem like anything that is ever going to be seriously by 99% of people. I have a friend who says their gender is “goth”, and it’s just….that is not what those words mean, and I understand things are changing but I do think on some level being practical is necessary. For some people changing pronouns is an intensely important personal decision that they really need for their mental health – the idea that your cousin feels a deep need for cat pronouns? Does not seem likely.

    7. Sylvan*

      These are called neopronouns.

      I think they are ridiculous.

      If he wants cat pronouns, I think he might also be otherkin? Proceed with caution.

    8. Triple Anon*

      Every generation does something that makes previous generations feel uncomfortable and weirded out. My generation got pierced and tattooed. We also came out as queer more publicly and at a younger age, and helped to make the world more friendly to lgbtqi+ people. Young people and their quirks are not all bad. I say let it go and be nice. You don’t have to use the pronouns. You can disagree with them. But don’t be too judgmental either. Or if you are, ask about it.

    9. LibbyG*

      I guess the easy thing is that you almost never use pronouns to someone’s face. So you can just call your cousin by name in person (if even). If mom-cousin is using the neopronouns, you can give thrm a try or just stick with the name. Pronouns are avoidable. And it’s not like you’re going to be educating coworkers about cousin’s pronouns.

      I’m cis and predictably pronouned, but I really appreciate how these emerging conversations and practices make more space for all of us to be our authentic, dynamic selves.

      I would probably heave an internal sigh about hard-to-deploy pronouns for someone I already find tedious to interact with. But I hope people don’t go right to a special-snowflake stereotype. (Not that folks are doing that in this thread.)

      1. SciDiver*

        Seconded. If you can’t get behind the words your cousin requested, just use cousin’s name in place of pronouns.

  80. mandolin*

    I’m tired of being made out to be the bad guy because I won’t support or enable my sister and her terrible choices. She flunked out of college after one semester and didn’t tell my parents even though they were paying. She had a relationship with a guy who was engaged (and she knew this going in) and got pregnant. He didn’t leave his girlfriend and still married her. He’s a deadbeat who is not involved. She can’t seem to hold down a jov. She had a relationship with a married guy she met online. His wife kicked him out when she found out. He proposed to my sistet. My sister was pregnant before his wife found out. My sister knew he was married. Now he has taken off with another woman and left her and their child. My sister had a job that my dad set up through someone he knew and she said it was boring and stopped showing up. She got evicted from her last place because she spent her money on night clubs instead of rent. At one point CPS was involved because she left her kids alone in the car when she was inside a bar. Her social media is full of photos of her smoking weed. It’s completely illegal here for any reason. Meanwhile CPS is watching her because fo the situation before. She got a DUI recently I work am.

    She wants to live with me or have me cosign a lease for her. Given that she keeps getting evicted and parties all night I said no. I work and need to sleep. I saved $8000 to buy a car and she was mad because I could have spent $4000 and given her $4000 for a car of her own according to her.

    She tells me I need to pay her child support since the father are not involved. She is already seeing a guy and he is not single. My parents said she is being investigated for welfare fraud activities. The police have come by twice to interview them.

    I can’t afford to support her because I am trying to save. I also think that it’s not my problem. CPS and the police know about her. I don’t doubt she would not even spend any money I gave her on the kids. My parents don’t ask me to help anymore and have backed off because they know ill say bo. She keeps hitting up family to help. She lies to charities to get help

    I’m just tired of being made out to be a horrible person for not giving her money or giving in to her emotional blackmail re: the kids.

    I have been told by family who still help her that I owe it to her. I’ve been financially independent since I’m 18. I hate that I get called names for not wanting to support her or the kids. I get told I’m supposed to be the father even though I had no hand in making the choice yo have kids. I’m sick of it. It’s not my problem but people think it is and that I’m awful for wanting nothing to do with it.

    1. Ramona*

      DO NOT COSIGN WITH HER. You don’t owe her anything, but you owe those kids a call to CPS. If she is smoking weed around them or neglecting them so she can have her grown-up party time, get them out of there.

      She is a toxic human being. She can destroy her own life, but don’t let her destroy that of her kids.

      Don’t fall for the common abuser ploy of “I know you called CPS because they told me.” CPS will NEVER disclose who made the call. Abusers often use this tactic in the hopes that someone feels guilty and/or believes that they already know so coming “clean” would be okay.

      1. Loopy*

        This.

        Also I think it’s so so so healthy for you that you stand firm. Do not let her take you down when she has shown ZERO EFFORT.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Not. Your. Problem.

      I don’t know if your sister or parents might qualify as narcissists, but there’s a classic dynamic that plays out in families like that called The Scapegoat and the Golden Child, and that sounds a lot like you and your sister, respectively, according to the rest of your family. She’s made horrible choices, not from a moral standpoint but from a practical standpoint, and everyone else keeps enabling her. The only way she’ll learn to be more financially responsible is if she hits bottom and no one bails her out. Even that might not necessarily do it, but it is often the one thing that gets through to people when nothing else can. But with other people enabling her, your best bet is to either cease contact, or just give noncommittal responses to any talk of money or her other irresponsible habits. Kind of like what Alison recommends when someone tries to talk about something not work-related and you just want to get back to work.

      And if it helps, remember that the “people” who keep taking her side are just pouring gasoline on the dumpster fire that is all of her issues!

    3. Lehigh*

      I definitely agree that you have no reason to help her at this point. What good would your help actually do? She sounds incredibly self-destructive.

      I’d probably be thinking about/looking around for people in your extended family who could take the kids in if/when CPS takes them away from her. Those people you might want to help.

    4. Nicole76*

      You’re not awful for refusing to give money to someone who a) won’t use it responsibly and b) won’t even appreciate it. Your family is awful for trying to guilt trip you into enabling her self destruction. I feel sorry for her kids but that’s also not your problem. If she was in a bad spot through no fault of her own I would feel differently, and would suggest you help her out a little, but it’s clear it would be for naught. She needs to suffer the consequences of her poor decisions.

    5. Rogue*

      I want you to repeat after me “Not my monkeys, not my circus!” You are not a bad person for not wanting to financially support your *bum* of a sister or the children you had no part in producing.

    6. AdAgencyChick*

      Your relatives who are giving you crap just wish you would pay so they can stop paying.

      You don’t owe her or them a damn thing. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

    7. The responsible one*

      What helped me was Al Anon. It helped me with my side of the street. Stay on my side of the street. Do not give her money. Do not spend time in her presence if her behavior makes you feel bad. Do not stay on the phone or in the presence of anyone whose words or behavior are telling you that you are not doing enough in this situation.
      If you have knowledge of abusive or neglectful behavior, call CPS.

      Think about your own life, do not drown saving her.

      1. TootsNYC*

        “Do not stay on the phone or in the presence of anyone whose words or behavior are telling you that you are not doing enough in this situation.”

        Yeah, hang up or go home when they start that stuff.

    8. Fiennes*

      No person from a remotely functional family is going to think you’re the villain for not subsidizing your sister’s mistakes. Advocate for the children as best you can; otherwise, do not engage with the family on this. They raise the subject? You leave/hang up. If that means you’re more separate from your family for a while—honestly, that may be what you need to reset those relationships, if that’s even possible.

    9. Sam Foster*

      You are not an awful person. No one needs to accept toxic people or be forced to pay for one. If you can, you need to separate yourself from these people.

    10. Hellanon*

      Ridiculous, you don’t owe her anything, least of all your financial & professional wellbeing. The family members she has already suckered in can continue to play that role. However – if you can spend time with the kids as they get older, maybe provide a stable presence for them, that would be worth doing…

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Of course, family who is paying says you owe her. You can tell them that they are enabling her and they need to stop. Each time they mention it, tell them that they will be paying her bills for the rest of their lives at the rate they are going now.

      The name calling is over the top. Tell them adults do not call each other names and walk away.

      Have these go-to sentences and use them each time.

      Meanwhile build Team You. This could be a support group or a counselor. It can include friends who are developing themselves and growing their lives. It can include adults older than yourself who you admire and respect. They don’t have to know each other, they do have to know you however and understand the ball and chain of a setting you have.

      Get a planner or a journal. Write down personal weekly, monthly and yearly goals. Your journal can help you build your life in a way your family may not ever be able to help. What to do in these situations is fill your days and fill your life.

    12. valentine*

      I’d cut them all off. People who never gave you boundaries against them shouldn’t get to trample the ones you’ve carefully carved for yourself. Your Prodigal sister is keeping herself perpetually abandoned and the “[you’re] supposed to be the father” business is especially gross.

    13. Temperance*

      That’s gross and weird. You are an uncle/aunt, not the children’s father. She could go after them for support, but it’s easier to lay on guilt.

    14. Troutwaxer*

      I think your obligations to your sister are zero. She has proved herself to be completely unable to do anything sensible.

      But maybe you can do something for the kids. Take them to the museum (or whatever) a couple days a month, or maybe bring groceries from time-to-time so they’re getting some good food? You sister won’t benefit from anything but letting her fail completely and hit bottom, but her kids are a another matter, and having a decent, sane adult to hang out with a couple days a month could literally change their lives!

      The important thing here is to show them that an alternative exists to the craziness of their mother’s life. With any luck they will profit from the lesson.

      1. Marcel*

        Respectfully, this isn’t helpful to the OP and is the exact thing he is venting about.

        1. Troutwaxer*

          Sorry, no. I agree with the OP completely that he does not have any obligation to his sister, and noted that the sister will not get better until she hits rock-bottom. The OP is doing exactly the right thing where his sister is concerned.

          However, moral thinking requires us to make distinctions, and the children are a distinct case from their mother. Unlike their mother, the children are young and helpless, and have no ability to avoid their dysfunctional environment. In fact, if the situation is left too long, the children will begin to assume that their unfortunate living circumstances are normal, and this should be avoided at all costs. The OP can make a very small investment in the children* without enabling their mother’s toxic behaviors or giving her money, and this small investment can pay off in dramatic ways in the children’s later lives.

          * Trips to community theater, the beach, museums and local tourist spots, an afternoon hiking in the woods, the occasional weekend with Uncle OP, plus a small, monthly donation of groceries does not enable the mother’s behavior and will make Uncle OP an example of a different, much better way to live than his sister has chosen.

          1. Troutwaxer*

            Note that I’m not saying the OP has some kind of definite moral obligation to help the kids. Depending on the circumstances it might not be appropriate, safe, etc. I am saying that the children are a different moral problem than the sister and that the good solution will be different than the good solution for the sister.

      2. Manuel*

        I agree – my sister has a SIL like this. Sister and her husband have successfully cut off the SIL, but still spend a lot of time with her kids. They are pretty much the only normal influence the kids have in their lives. If at all possible OP, please don’t cut off your nieces/nephews from having a relationship with you. It really could make a huge difference in their lives!

      3. mandolin*

        This post is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. Thanks so much for the pressure. I was posting here to vent, not to be told the exact things I’m venting about.

    15. ..Kat..*

      Mandolin, you are doing the right thing. Keep your boundaries. You can find some good advice and scripts on Captain Awkward.

    16. Earthwalker*

      Is this about your sister or your parents? I got pulled into paying for my overdrinking brother’s upkeep and child support because if I didn’t, Dad would, and Dad couldn’t afford it. I should have started where I ended up: talking Dad out of enabling him. He thought he could save my brother, if not alone, then with my help. After four rounds in treatment centers, it was clear that no amount of money could save my brother. Brother kept telling Dad, “This time for sure I’m going sober” and Dad kept giving him money that went to booze. Are you in that situation, where you need to help your parents get over feeling guilty about cutting your sister off, and to grieve for the precious little girl who didn’t, after all, grow up to be someone as wonderful as they had once imagined she would be? It can’t be good for them to let this ruin their relationship with their son who did grow up to be a healthy adult.

    17. mandolin*

      Thank you to everyone who posted supportive and non-pressuring comments. It was nice to get that off my chest and be (mostly) understood. I appreciate it.

      1. Windchime*

        I wish you well. I’m in a similar situation; I have a sister who is a giant black-hole of irresponsibility, drug abuse and bad decisions. My parents and my other sister bail her out with cash all the time; she spends it on cigarettes and football-themed items from our local sports team. As I posted in a thread upstream, I have cut off contact with her and haven’t given her money in years. It’s really, really hard to deal with the guilt-tripping by other people, but it sounds like you are doing a good job at staying firm.

        Keep in mind: There isn’t enough money in the world to fix this. Your family could give her a zillion dollars and it wouldn’t be enough. My sister has been gifted thousands of dollars over the years and it hasn’t made an iota of difference.
        You are not doing anything wrong by declining to engage in this dysfunctional cycle; you are working hard and taking care of yourself and that is enough.

    18. Observer*

      1. Do not take on ANY responsibility for ANYTHING she is supposed to pay for or do anything for. (You know this. But sometimes it helps to hear it even from a stranger.)

      2. If you want to help the kids make the arrangements directly. Eg buy them clothes, take them somewhere, arrange a tutor etc. This way any help you provide WILL go to the kids, not drugs / nightclubs / deadbeat boyfriends, etc. you’re not obligated to do any of this. But it you WANT to help, this would be the way to do it.

      3. Unless and until she shows a real intention and desire to change, giving her money is not going to help her or her kids. That can be your stock answer to anyone who says you “owe” your sister your help.

  81. Melody Pond*

    Little bit of venting here, but also interested in how others would react to being in these circumstances…

    As already mentioned, Mr. Pond and I are getting married in a little over a month. It’s going to be a pretty small thing – I’ve posted previously that we’re going to go see Avengers: Infinity War earlier in the day (the first Avengers movie is partially responsible for us getting together). We envisioned us doing the movie, hitting up the courthouse, then heading over to my mom’s house for some casual snacks and treats with mostly immediate family members (all parents, couple of siblings, a couple grandparents, and maybe his closest aunt/uncle).

    It’s certainly not going to be a big fancy affair, but it is important at least to me, and I’ve genuinely been looking forward to doing this on our level and what interests us. We told all our parents about the decision last Thanksgiving, mentioned the celebration we were envisioning, and gave them the date at that time.

    So, couple weeks ago, we’re having dinner with my dad and stepmom, whom we usually see every 2-3 months or so. And apparently in February they scheduled a big trip to Europe, from which they return the day AFTER we’re getting married. They didn’t bother to 1) save the date when we told them about it around Thanksgiving, or 2) knowing that it was happening sometime in May, they didn’t bother to double check the dates with us when they were scheduling their trip which takes up half the month of May.

    When we mentioned that they were missing our celebration, they were like, “Oh, well, we’ll just do something special with you when we get back.” I was a little too stunned to say anything in the moment, and still haven’t said anything.

    What would be your reaction to this? How intensely? Would you say anything? If they changed their plans at your request, would that make everything better, or would you still feel a bit stung?

    (I’d kindly request that nobody respond by rationalizing their actions or hypothesizing about their intents. I know they probably didn’t do it on purpose – but my feelings are most heavily impacted by the outcome, not their intentions.)

    1. Elkay*

      I’d be pissed and it would influence my future interactions with them for a while, but I’m a grudge holder. If they offered to change their plans I’d probably take them up on it if I knew it wouldn’t be held over my head forever more.

      I hope your wedding celebration is everything you want it to be.

    2. Lehigh*

      I’ve misunderstood how important events were to other people in the past, so I’d probably be a little more lenient than some. I don’t know how to approach this with respect to your last paragraph, but I hope it’s not too much to say that personally I’d take into account the fact that the wedding is very low-key, and would try to suss out whether they missed the fact that it was really important to me that they be there.

      I would feel a bit stung, but I’ve definitely learned that people attach very different amounts of importance to things like weddings, funerals, etc. I would request a change of plans and, if the outcome is amicable, try to let it go as a misunderstanding.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t give a rat’s behind about their intentions. What they did is pretty thoughtless. “Low-key” does not equal “unimportant”. I would say something, fully expecting them not to change their plans. You’re hurt. I wouldn’t go around approaching everyone with every small grievance, but this is your father, and this isn’t a small grievance. This is the day you’re getting married. At the very least, I hope they apologize profusely for not realizing just how meaningful this is to you.

      My boyfriend does all kinds of mental gymnastics where his father (a rather passive and similarly thoughtless person) is involved, and while I think my boyfriend is much kinder than I am, it makes me want to shake everyone involved. So that probably colors my opinion here, but I am royally pissed on your behalf and you have every right to be upset. Also, don’t sweat it. The whole family will be looking askance at them.

      Best wishes!

      1. Melody Pond*

        Thank you – I found this very validating. :)

        I don’t know if I’ll say anything… because if I do, I’ll be pretty straightforwardly clear that I’m pretty angry about it, and unlikely to ever get over it completely. They’d either get defensive, or get defensive but then grudgingly change it so that they come back a few days earlier. But that wouldn’t really fix it, for me. Particularly given how much they prioritize another sibling’s major life events without ever being prompted – changing their plans now, only at my behest, wouldn’t make everything better. I’d still be mad – maybe only slightly less so.

        And I don’t really see the point of saying anything to them, if I’m not making some kind of a request, or asking them to do something differently.

        1. Reba*

          Oh, I’d be so hurt. But based on this comment, it sounds like this might be the latest, particularly bad chapter in a long story of not showing up for you. Depending on your relationship, I could see talking to them about it, or at least your dad, if only just to let them know that this hurt–I know what you mean that they can’t really fix it though. I’m sorry they have let you down, regardless of what they may have intended. And I hope you have a lovely time on your wedding day!

    4. Loopy*

      I had a similar situation (are we the same?!) with a family member and a trip… but before the trip was even booked it was looking like it would take precedence. My situation was complicated by family issues factoring in which made it more understandable… and I was still put out. So I *might* be biased.

      Ultimately, my answer is this: whether it’s reasonable or rational or fair or whatever- yes, I’d be mad and hurt that they didn’t take effort to make sure they could attend and didn’t seem sorry that they couldn’t. No reasoning helps when a nearest and dearest won’t be part of your special day when they could have. I’ve read a lot on traditional wedding forums that “no one will care about your wedding as much as you” and in some cases, it absolutely applies (no, your bridesmaid doesn’t want to spend a week of PTO and 5,000 for your bachelorette) but I don’t think this is that case. They are immediate family and it is your actual day-of wedding. They don’t get a pass to shrug it off without some justified hurt.

      And just because you’re not having a big, traditional gala, it doesn’t make it any less important to have dear ones attend (I don’t know if that factored in but I’d seriously side eye anyone who gives you that attitude and if you want I will come throw shade for you).

      I’m not sure what would make it better because the damage is done but I would try and come to terms with this on your side for your own sake so it doesn’t overtake your excitement for your wonderful, amazing wedding day.

      1. Melody Pond*

        and if you want I will come throw shade for you

        Thanks, this made my day. :)

        Yeah, I’m coming to the same conclusion – about just coming to terms with it for myself. My dad hasn’t always been the most present parent, so this isn’t completely out of character – but he sure as hell made it to my sister’s wedding a few years ago. And she lives a few thousand miles away, whereas I live only about an hour away from my dad. So, I kind of expected that making it to all of his kids’ weddings would’ve been a pretty basic level of non-favoritism that he’d have been able to achieve.

        Also, said long-distance sister is now pregnant, and dad and stepmom have already booked plans to visit her for like a month, when she’s due to give birth. They’d never miss anything major happening in her life.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ahhhh… this is the real problem right here. Sis is the golden child.

          Okay.
          So you know you have the right to tell them that you don’t want a separate celebration later, right? The whole point was to be together on that day and they were not available. So that is that.

          One golden child setting I got to watch up close, the golden child never, ever chased after the parent. The parent went chasing after the golden child. Why. Well the other two children DID chase the parent, they did indicate that they wanted the parent involved in their lives. The parent must have decided “well these two want me, but #3 doesn’t. So I have to go corral #3.” So kid #1 and #2 pretty much got ignored as you are saying here.

          You could contemplate sending him an email that says, “When you are ready to be a father to me, give me a call. I will be over here having a life in the meantime.” Or you could contemplate sending an email that says, “You know you have another daughter named Melody.”

          I contemplate responses like this sometimes because it helps me work through the anger and get to the real action plan I will use. From my own life, I can give this example: I wanted a mother, but I did not need a mother. I arrived at functioning adulthood without her. And that is my reality, which jarred me initially. But helped me in the long run. We want them there. And every time they are absent they prove to us that we do not actually need them present. We do move forward in spite of their lack of presence.

          Very sorry. You deserve better than this. But you will have a full and rich life in spite of Dad’s apathy.

          1. Melody Pond*

            Thank you. I can see the idea of pointing out that we’re not going to have a separate celebration later. That might be something I’d say. I was definitely going to tell him after the fact that I’m not interested in “doing something special” with them later to make up for their absence on the actual day-of celebration. I’m just debating whether I should say that now, or after they get back and are reaching out to do something.

            It’s not like I’m devastated or anything – like I hinted at, above, this is not totally out of character for him to not be completely present. I’m still going to have a good time on the day, and of course I’m still going to have a full life in spite of him. I’m just kinda pissed off that he can’t meet such a basic benchmark of non-favoritism among his kids.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Because I do have an antagonizer in my personality, I might consider waiting until he gets back to tell him. Give him all that time to think that he HAS to do something.
              But if you know he will forget once he comes back, you are better off telling him now and be done with it. Waiting for him to come back can turn into waiting for the other shoe to drop. In terms of keeping our minds and thoughts healthy, sometimes just cutting the situation off is the route to go.

        2. Loopy*

          Ah, this makes my heart hurt for you. I wish there was a way we could take away people’s power to hurt us. I mean, maybe we can but it will take lots of effort and possibly therapy.

          I’m torn between thinking you should work on this, but also thinking if you focus on this now, you may see your wedding day through the lens of “my dad isn’t here.” I would maybe try and focus on the people who are going to be there for you, and your future with Mr. Pond, and then tackle this issue after your lovely wedding day.

          1. Melody Pond*

            Thanks – that’s kind of where I’m leaning, too – dealing with this after the celebration.

    5. valentine*

      I’d take it as the final proof of where I stand with them and dial back how much (especially emotional) energy I expend on them.

  82. Gaia*

    I have a question and I’m hoping someone in the AAM community might know the answer (or have an idea of resources).

    My grandfather suffers from chronic pain. He is, otherwise, incredibly healthy. But his pain is so bad that he’s been taking hydrocodone daily for the last year and it is no longer helping. His doctor wants to move him to Oxy and up the dosage. For what should be obvious reasons this makes us all very nervous (for the record, my family and I all understand the very real need for opioid pain medication for the treatment of chronic pain and know that sometimes there really is no other option but also recognize the high risk of addiction).

    He lives in a state with legal marijuana for both medical and recreational use and would like to see if that helps his pain and reduces, or possibly eliminates his need for opioids. However, he is on Medicare and due to another medication he requires bi-annual blood work. Realistically and logically I know they are not running a drug screen but he is concerned.

    Any ideas on what his rights might be or if this is even really a risk? This is his decision to make but I’d like to present him with the facts so he can make an educated choice.

    1. Junior Dev*

      If you’re concerned it might be worth having a consultation with a lawyer who specializes in Medicare. But personally in this situation I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ve had chronic pain in the past and it’s such a notable difference in quality of life when you can manage the pain effectively.

      For pot specific reccomendations, he’ll probably want to start with a high CBD strain in the form of edibles–I found that a lot more useful personally–but be sure to ask about what the dosage is when you buy it, and start by taking about a quarter of that to see what it does (maybe with a family member around so they can help if he gets way too high or has any unwanted effects).

      1. Gaia*

        It was edibles that I recommended to him. He smoked a lot back in his younger years but isn’t interested in anything he has to smoke these days. We talked about the different strains and options and he seems genuinely interested. Luckily it is legal in his state and medicinally has been legal for quite awhile (recreational just a few years). There are some really great and established dispensaries that come highly recommended for being able to help select the right product and dosage. I think at this point the only thing holding him back is that he could face repercussions through Medicare but I just don’t think that is very likely. And honestly I’d be pretty freaking outraged if they were testing for drug use when they’re supposed to be testing for something entirely unrelated.

    2. KR*

      So my sisters are on Medicare. They routinely get blood work, tests, ect and smoke weed regularly. They are still on medicare. I’m also not sure but the results of that blood work is covered by HIPAA and considered his personal medical information. I don’t think it would be able to be turned over to the cops unless they had a subpoena. Maybe someone with more experience can chime in?

      1. KR*

        Also my dad was on narcotics/opioids for a long time for a back injury that will never get better. He will just always be in pain for it. He got dependent on them and it wasn’t great for his health. He got sick all the time because I guess the medicine decreased his immune system and then when he got sick, he would forget to take his back medicine so he would go into withdrawals. Not saying this will happen to your dad. My point is that my dad, a lifelong off and on recreational drug user, started smoking weed regularly and it really helps him relax and helps his pain better than the narcotics can. He still keeps some for emergencies (if he falls or throws out his back and needs something more hard core) but it has been a lifechanger for him.

        1. Gaia*

          That is the exact concern. There are already signs of the edge of dependency and that just isn’t a path I want to see him take. I’ve seen weed do such wonders for people. For a long time I was pretty adamantly opposed to it, but it is hard to see results and deny that it is a better option for a number of people (it might not be right for everyone, but nothing is).

          1. TL -*

            There’s actually a growing body of work that opioids aren’t effective for chronic pain management – people end up feeling the same level of pain after a year on pills then they do after a year with no pills/OTC stuff.

            There’s not so much evidence on marijuana but it probably isn’t worse and doesn’t have the same physical addiction risks.

            1. KR*

              My dad used to say that the medicine didn’t make the pain go away, it just made him not care that he was in pain. And of course, his tolerance went up so he kept having to take more and more. And then he couldn’t sleep properly because of the meds so he had to start sleep medicines, then his tolerance would go up on the sleep medicine. Vicious cycle.

          2. Kuododi*

            Speaking as a chronic pain patient, if you and Dear Grandpa haven’t done so already…. I would strongly encourage y’all to investigate at least a consultation with a pain specialist. I have been working with one in my area and have been very pleased. He’s not in a rush to load me up on heavy meds. I’m currently on a number of perscription supplements which will help to heal damages nerve endings and work to reduce pain in the long run.On the short term I am taking a muscle relaxer and prn tramadol for serious pain swelling and numbness in my hands. (Just found out it’s Carpal tunnel in both wrists. ). The down side to opioids is that long term use can lead to a paradoxical reaction where more opioids = more pain. Opioids were definitely intended to be a short term intervention not a long term solution. Best wishes!!!

            1. Gaia*

              Unfortunately the chronic pain specialists in his area are quick to raise the opioid dosages.

              1. Kuododi*

                I have found in dealing with MDs it is crucial to go into the consultations with a picture of what is and isn’t acceptable for my personal treatment. I made sure to let my MDs know I wasn’t interested in being loaded up on hard core meds, spending my time in a stupor. I have not experienced any push back on that goal, in all my time dealing with multiple chronic health issues. They additionally have to work with my med allergies…(allergic to the whole codiene class of pain killers.). Also can’t take NSAIDS due to kidney disease. I have fired MDs in the past who attempted to impose their wishes on me without a serious dialogue. Best wishes for you and your family!!!

      2. Red Reader*

        That is correct. But they’re not testing for it unless the doc tells them to anyway, normal blood work does not include drug screening.

    3. Bobstinacy*

      If it’s legal in his State then he’ll be fine, if he’s worried see if his doctor will give him an official prescription. It’s a legal substance and in his case is used medically.

      I highly reccomend CBD oil capsules – there’s no THC so they don’t get you high, just give you the relaxing body effects. I have chronic pain and while CBD can make me a bit loopy if I take too much it’s not nearly as bad as I am on most prescription painkillers.

      Phoenix tears is really popular with a lot of chronic pain sufferers, it’s a concentrated CBD oil. There’s some mystical woo health stuff out there about it but it’s just a convenient way to dose yourself with CBD.

      I like edibles and smoking but they tend to cut into my productivity, plus it can be hit or miss as far as the actual high goes.

      I hope he can find some products that work for him, there’s a lot of fun and useful options out there now.

    4. MMJ*

      I can only speak to my experience. I am mid-30s and my hip joints were deteriorating. Literally. The pain was awful. I was on morphine but some days it wasn’t enough and I’d be in agony. I am in CA (at the time we had only legalized it for medicinal purposes) and I added MMJ on top of my morphine. I found when I tried just mmj, it didn’t do anything for me. But added to the morphine it helped cut the edge just a bit more. I wasn’t pain free, but it was better. Plus, mmj really helped at night when I was most uncomfortable and needed to get to sleep.

      I get regular blood work (once a week) for an unrelated health issue and there has never been a problem. Ever. If he is really worried, he might want to consider getting a medical marijuana card. There are doctors who only do that. (I found mine on Yelp!) But if you’re in a state where it’s legal for recreation, then I wouldn’t worry. I no longer renew my mmj card and I’ve never had an issue.

      For info on dispensaries, check out weedmaps dot com. Some places deliver, which is nice! And the couple times I’ve had delivery, they’ve done it in a descreet manner.

      I hope that helps!

      1. KR*

        Seconding weedmaps! It’s a great site! There are also many different dispensaries with many different types of feels to them – some are more relaxed, some are more hip, some are strictly professional, some are more focused on pain management and medicine. The bud tenders will be able to help him with everything he needs if he finds the right dispensary.

    5. Melody Pond*

      Unfortunately I don’t know much about what his rights might be – HIPAA might be applicable here, so talking to a lawyer with expertise in that area might be beneficial.

      But, I wanted to chime in and say that I just read an article about this on NPR that supports the idea of supplementing the pain medications with marijuana, and perhaps you might be interested in it (if you haven’t already read it):

      https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/04/02/598787768/opioid-use-lower-in-states-that-eased-marijuana-laws

    6. kimberly*

      It won’t show up on routine blood work — they would have to check specifically for marijuana to find it. It is not a common blood test (I’ve never seen a serum THC level ordered).

      Even in hospitals, most drug screens are done through urine not blood. Blood is usually only used if they need a level and not just a yes/no. Exceptions to that do exist, but again, are not very common.

      A urine drug screen would have to be specifically requested — it won’t show up on a routine urine check. However, urine drug screens are usually a panel, so if they are checking for drugs at all it would most likely show up (though some drug screen panels don’t check for THC because many places just don’t care about THC use).

      While HIPAA does come into play, his health insurance (Medicare) is entitled to his medical records pretty much in their entirety — that is how they evaluate and determine what they will pay. So, if he comes up positive on a drug screen Medicare will know about it.

      However, I’m not sure why he is concerned? Medicare won’t pay for the marijuana, but I’ve never heard of them penalizing someone for using it. I’m not even sure they *could* penalize someone for a positive THC result on a drug screen. Is that a thing?

      A rough guess would be that around 50% of the drug screens I come across at work are positive for THC and there are rarely any repercussions. Sometimes the doc will give them a “quit smoking” lecture but that is about it. The only time I’ve seen it negatively impact people are if there is some sort of legal situation (CPS involvement for parents, probation situations, accident investigations etc) or when the patient is a minor and the parent finds out about the results. There could also be issues in situations where there is a pain management contract between the patient the the pain service and the marijuana use violates said contract but that isn’t a situation I have personally seen.

      Even where CPS is concerned, in my state they only have automatic access to the drug screens that they do/request. If they want to see the result of a drug screen that was done by a hospital/physician office/outside lab, they would need a signed medical release or a court order. It it probably similar in other states.

      Medicare certainly won’t report the positive THC result to any authority if that is the concern. That *would* violate HIPAA and would be a really big waste of time.

      So to sum up my ramblings ….. 1) totally unlikely to be tested; 2) even if he was tested, very unlikely for there to be consequences unless he is driving while high and causes an accident or something like that OR he is the primary caregiver for minors where there is CPS involvement.

  83. Erin*

    Does anyone have advice about dealing with a parent’s poor choices on social media? My mother, who is older and lives alone, has gotten increasingly extreme and combative on Facebook. I honestly think it is due to her not having a lot to do after work in the evenings. (She has a small social circle and her adult children live far away.) She seems to spend hours online at home and when things are slow at work looking at political memes, sensational news stories, etc. and picking fights with people in Facebook comments. Sometimes they are strangers, sometimes they are friends and family. Multiple family members have defriended or unfollowed her, and more stay friends but have brought it up with me.

    Most of us, including me, actually don’t disagree with her political views, but I hate that she acts so rude and nasty online. I find it particularly distasteful that she considers herself a proud feminist, but then posts pictures and cartoons mocking female public figures’ clothes, hair, looks, etc. because their political agendas do not align with hers. A recent one was a cartoon of a female White House staffer working a stripper pole. It’s hypocritical and disrespectful.

    She either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that nearly everything she writes on Facebook shows up in people’s newsfeeds, including arguments on all sorts of public groups and pages. It’s affecting her relationships with family and friends, or at least their perception of her. It makes me lose respect for her and her opinions, which I hate, because I love my mother. However, I don’t know how to talk to her about it without it becoming a huge deal. She’s sensitive and also believes she is doing nothing wrong, and that she is “polite and civil” online. My current strategy is to ignore or respond minimally when she tries to tell me about the “idiots” online. Should I just keep doing that, or try to help her see why this is not a good use of her time and energy?

    1. Florida*

      I use absolutely no social media, so consider that with my response… Why don’t you just unfriend her on all social media platforms. If she asks why, be honest. You can’t control what she does on social media, but you can control if you look at it and let it affect you.

      1. Lehigh*

        I agree with unfriending her on every platform possible. If she asks, you could say, “Mom, I like you in person but I do not like you online. I want to have a good relationship with you, so I can’t watch the mean things you say online.”

        When friends and family approach you, you could share your approach with them. “Yes, Mom says some really awful things online. I know that’s not who she is, so I unfriended her. I only want to interact with the [good adjectives] person I know she is, who I see in her personal life.” Hopefully more of them will follow your lead – and stop hoping that you’ll be able to change her for them.

        Easier said than done, I know. But her friends and family cutting her off is likely to have the most impact in making her see that her actions are really offensive.

    2. Natalie*

      I rather doubt trying to convince her will be anything more than a tremendous timesuck. Filter or block her anywhere that you’re connected so you don’t have to see what she posts and disengage anytime she tries to talk about what people online are doing. “Oh, mom, Facebook arguments are so boring. Tell me about your garden this year.” Or similar.

    3. Gaia*

      I’m sorry I can’t offer advice but I can commiserate. I have a family member that does the same and it is really upsetting. I tried explaining that they are actually damaging their cause but you can’t often reason with folks that think this is acceptable behavior.

      Also, I’m with you on people attacking women “on the other side” for their appearance and then saying they are a feminist. No you aren’t. When you attack women you disagree with on their physical features you engaging in misogyny and that is incompatible with feminism.

    4. Anono-me*

      You say this is a change in her behavior. Could there be an underlying medical issue?
      Otherwise you might just want to limit you online interaction with her.

      Good luck.

    5. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Well, you can try to talk to her, but I’m hopeless on that front.

      You could unFriend, but a slightly less drastic option is to unfollow. Unfollow just means that you won’t see her posts unless you go to her page.

    6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Seconding I’m A Little TeaPot. One of the few things Facebook does right is the unfollow. Granted, I have confrontation issues, but making it so I can just ignore posts without having the ignoree know is basically paradise.

      Offline, at this point you’re probably best served by noncommittal responses. I’m sure your mom is an awesome lady in person, but online she sounds like she’s a jerk. Acknowledge that she feels bad about people being mean to her on the internet, but try to avoid validating her own bad behavior.

      (Incidentally, my mom keeps asking me to show her how to use Twitter. I’m going to show her this post as to why I’m refusing to do so.)

      1. Nicole76*

        I have confrontation issues too, but putting that aside I think your suggestion to unfollow is right on the mark. Most people are very married to their opinions and I just don’t think it’s worth arguing with them when they say stuff I don’t agree with, so long as it’s posted on their own wall and not mine. I’ve used the unfollow option quite liberally on Facebook for this very reason.

    7. Ann O.*

      I suspect you’re right about the underlying cause, and it is an unfortunate truth that it can be very easy to find political circles that glorify rude, nasty online behavior as standing up for justice.

      Is there any way you can help with solving the underlying cause? Would she be open to connecting with an Indivisible group or Swing Left or something similar and channeling her boredom/political frustration in a direction that may actually be positive?

    8. NaoNao*

      Hoo boy.
      My mom went around the bend with religious stuff and I had a long hard think and finally came out the other side with “mute her but remain FB friends” and use the distracted “mmm” when/if she says stuff about FB/social media.
      It sucks, but is there a way you could maybe do something positive to occupy her time? Start a book club with you and her, watch a show together, plan weekly phone calls, something?

    9. Trisana chandler*

      This is probably a bit of a stretch but just a thought. Perhaps one of the issues for your mother is her understanding of manners and culture specifically on the internet. If she is only hanging in certain spaces and interacting with people in this way it probably reinforces to her that this is how people behave particularly on the internet. If she started frequenting more respectful sites, her own behaviour might improve.
      My suggestion is – could you get her interested in a website like captain awkward or something like that? Perhaps just piquing her interest by sending her a link with a fascinating story to it that draws her in (hopefully not one that stirs up her predjudices) and so she learns by watching what kind of comments are considered a healthy respectful disagreement and what is the equivalent of ranting in the supermarket and being seen as offensive and ill-mannered.
      Failing that, I agree with unfollowing. Perhaps finding something else she’d enjoy for her evenings? Like a local group or a Netflix subscription?

  84. KR*

    Hi all,

    For anyone who was wondering about the foster dog I posted about last week (and thanks again for the helpful lovely comments), things are going better! As I type this, New Dog is snoozing in the other room (without me being there). She actually went downstairs and outside by herself this morning while I slept in. This is a huge improvement since she was super clingy to me earlier this week. And she has met two of my friends (one male, one female) and has not been aggressive with them at all. The cat is adjusting. Still not completely comfortable around her but not hiding upstairs constantly.

    Walks are still stressful and I’m going to really have to work on leash aggression with her. I can tell she’s had very little training in her life which is a shame considering she’s a GSD. She knows sit very well, and when you call her to you she’s by your side in an instant, but her leash manners are horrendous and when she sees another dog she goes insane (though she is mostly fine at the park). Because she goes insane my other dog acts up – he also tends to be leash aggressive but I have trained him so he either ignores other dogs or I can stop him before he gets going with the barks and pulling (another dog that loves dogs at the park but has issues with them on the other side of the street). She also has a very loud, booming, bark that’s scary if you don’t know what a sweetie she is. I like to joke with her that as she’s a German Shepard people are going to think she’s a cop because she sounds like a police dog.
    Once husband returns next month we’ll really be able to get into high gear with her training. There’s only so much I can do walking them both at the same time, especially since I can’t get my other dog to stop being absurd when New Dog is pulling at me with all 70lbs of German Shepard muscle. The good news is that it started to get hot here in the desert so it has made both puppos kind of lethargic, which has tamed some of her nervous energy.

    1. Loopy*

      I’m not sure I’ve commented before but your updates and efforts make me so happy. Dogs with issues need people who are willing to train. I have a sweetie pit bull who is leash aggressive with dogs and it’s been very difficult. But I also know most people wouldn’t have the patience or tolerance to work with him and he and I are lucky we found each other.

      Kudos to your for all your efforts.

      1. KR*

        Thanks! I was doubting I could handle her for the first couple of days but things are really getting better. My cat actually sniffed her head and face right now as I am reading these comments, so baby steps!

    2. Anono-me*

      It sounds to me like you have made a huge amount of progress with your new gal. Thank you for the update.

      It seems weird to me but, I found that putting cutsey pink bandana on my dog really changed how ‘non dog people’ perceived my dog.

      1. KR*

        This is a great idea! A friend gave me a collar that is pink and green as opposed to the black one she had on her, so I’ll try that and a bandana.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Congratulations on your huge progress.
      You can get a walking harness for them. I like the kind that goes under their “armpits” and attaches to a special collar. You tug on their armpits and not their voice box.

      Are you working with a spritzer of water? I use that for correction around the house. My last two dogs got used to it. Since I have small spritzers I can take it with me on walks. I never hit them in the face or ears with water. I remain fair at all times. But hitting them in the back or legs with a shot of water can bring them back to their senses. Consistent use is key. Both dogs went to a point,where all I had to do was pick up the spritzer and the behavior improved immediately. If they stopped doing whatever it was then I would chose not to spritz them. I tried to use rules of fairness at all times.

      And yea! for your friends. It sure is nice having another person around even if they only stay for a short period of time.

      1. KR*

        The funny thing is she is perfectly behaved around the house, literally perfect. I’ll keep the spritzer in mind when my husband comes back (might be hard for now to carry with two leashes). She’s so well behaved otherwise it might work to bring her back to her senses when she’s flipping out about some other dog across the road.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      Awesome update! For the walks, have you ever used a head collar? They function like a bridle for a horse (nothing in or restricting the mouth though) and attach to the leash under the chin. This lets you control the head instead of the whole dog and requires almost no strength on the part of the human. Halti and Gentle Leader are the two I’m most familiar with. I like Gentle Leader better personally, and they have a nice no-pull harness too if you prefer that option.

      1. KR*

        I have a collar that clips in front of her body right now, but it doesn’t fit correctly and I need to get another one. I considered a head collar but I’m worried because I know you can’t pull on them otherwise you’ll hurt their neck. She’s pretty big so I have to be able to pull on her when she could be a danger to or frighten someone else and their dog.

        1. KR*

          But I’m considering it and considering trying to find a way to rig the two together for some sort of two-leash thing. Thanks!!

          1. Anona*

            Seconding the Halti or Gentle leader. You don’t really have to pull the dogs, they just kind of self regulate, since if they pull it’s uncomfortable for them.

            We used this with the 90lb, 5 year old, non leash trained lab, and he took pretty quickly to it. He doesn’t love it, but he does love that it means outside time :)

          2. Natalie*

            I wouldn’t rig anything personally, just put both a head collar and body harness on her and hold two leashes. Voila!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Okay here it is Sunday and I am still thinking about this.

      I saw something odd with my last two dogs. They would fuss and wander and be unsettled. The times these things happened was when I hurt my back and I was going hand-over-hand through the house. They knew there was something wrong.

      I live alone. I have a window close to my front door. Both dogs each decided to sit at the window and STARE out the window, almost as if they could WILL someone to materialize on my front porch. My heart fell to my shoes. Then I realized my neighbor could come over and talk to me for a few minutes. This appeased the dog, the dog could see me talking to another human being. In both cases, the dogs calmed down.
      Now these two dogs were not together, I had one dog do this and then after he passed, I got a new pup. Once the pup was tall enough to see out the window he started doing it too. These dogs would sit at the window for over an hour, gosh, that was hard to watch.

      It got me to thinking that dogs need to see us talking to other people. I had another unusual story. My friend came to my house, since he helps me with my house, he knows how to let himself in. He let himself in one time because he was having a medical emergency. He needed me to drive. As he waited for me he notice my dog kept trying to think of ways to help him. When I finally got back from my errands, the dog stood in the middle room of the house where he could see me and turned back to the kitchen where my friend was. He began barking and woo-wooing as if to say, “She’s here, come show her, she’s here!” Once my friend came out to the living room the dog settled right down and let us talk to each other.

      You have a shepherd, the dog may have been feeling hugely responsible for YOU. Once the dog met other people in your life, the dog could relax. My previous dog was part shepherd. Current dog is part husky. It may not have anything to do with the breed type. It could be that you just have a dog that picks up on your stress very quickly. It could be that your new guy is already taking care of you.

      1. KR*

        I think that’s partly it. She is super in tune to me so far and likes to know where I am at all times. She has never had a conflict with my other dog since they’ve met but I think that’s because she’s seen me pet on him and love him and knows that he and I have a bond. I’m hoping once husband comes home she will too, because she’ll a) have two people to love on and obsess over, and b) see I have a human. I’ve never had German Shepards but I’m starting to understand why they’re something like the most or second most popular dog in America.

  85. The curator*

    In Japan!
    Thank you everyone for your help and suggestions.
    Since it is the weekend, I will not comment on the work week except to say that my engagements exceeded expectations.
    All were kind about my lack of Japanese and my many etiquette mistakes including running into the story room at the Tokyo Children’s Library with my shoes on.

    My physical challenges made subway going extremely hard. I tried. Therefore we begged forbearance and took taxis.

    We are presently staying at a Rykoken about hour and 1/2 outside Tokyo. Sleeping on traditional futon and eating traditional local foods.

    The jet lag recommendations really helped but mostly if I was up at 3 am or couldn’t sleep, I just worked.

    Will check in Friday on the work thread.

    2. fort hiss*

      Subways are brutal, especially in Tokyo! Good luck with the rest of your trip! Hope the ryokan and the futons treat you well.

  86. Loopy*

    Oops it’s a second post week.

    What’s the home gadget/device you couldn’t not live without. Can be kitchen, bathroom, storage, lighting. What has made your daily life easier? Alternatively, what is you quirkiest home gadget that makes you smile? I’m thinking manatee tea bag holders, t-rex cook jars, and dinosaur soup ladle type things.

    Making a wedding registry and want to really put some thought into the items beyond upgrades of what we have. And maybe just have a super fun AAM convo about awesome stuff.

    1. Anono-me*

      1. Hard boiled egg timer. ( It looks a little like an egg with a clear “white” that changes color as it boils.
      2. Eurosealer (like on TV.)
      3. Really really good kitchen shears.

      1. Loopy*

        OMG I did not even know the eurosealer was a thing. We have so many “chip clips” this would be so handy!!!!

        1. Anono-me*

          I love it, but I do have trouble sealing things if the bag is wet or greasy. I also usually seal things with an ‘awkward x’ rather than a straight line.

    2. Al Lo*

      I recently put Threadstax in my closet. Expensive, but man, do I love them.

      I’ve recently realized that my biggest hobby right now is Ikea hacking. Sometimes, I just get the urge to make something out of other furniture. Also, we live in a small apartment, so storage solutions are my jam.

      I love my Roomba. It runs almost every day and is supplemented by a cordless Dyson stick vac, in place of a broom, for spills and so on.

      Herb scissors. They look hilariously lethal, but they’re super useful!

      1. Loopy*

        This thread was the best thing I’ve done in a while- I also didn’t know herb scissors were a thing, or threadstax. Can that be used in drawers? My drawers are a mess….

        1. Al Lo*

          They can! As long as your drawers are deep enough. The website has information on the dimensions.

    3. Cedrus Libani*

      Sous vide machine. Seriously, I have no idea how I fed myself before I got the thing.

      Take a cheap cut of meat, throw it in a bag, forget about it, come back later to utter deliciousness. If you get a vacuum sealer, you can also prep veggies in Costco-size quantities, sterilize them in the sous vide, and just leave them in your fridge until you’re ready to eat them. Also, it can reheat delicate leftovers like steak and seafood without cooking them further.

      1. Loopy*

        Another new discovery!! I’m vegetarian but Mr. Loopy-to-be eats meat and may be curious about this!

    4. nep*

      An older model food processor I bought at a garage sale. Sunday afternoon and everything half-off…Best two dollars and fifty cents I ever spent.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I forget to make hummus sometimes, and then I remember and make ALL THE HUMMUS.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I subscribe to the Alton Brown school of “no unitaskers in the kitchen”. Or rather, my tolerance for unitaskers is inversely proportional to their size. A garlic press? Fine. Bigger stuff? Nope. I know some folks swear by their rice cookers, but shoot, I got a pot with a lid. I’m not buying a fancy steamer/blender thing to make my kid’s baby food. I’m not paying $100 for a yogurt maker. I just don’t have the space for a vast array of Stuff That Does One Thing.

      That being said: STICK BLENDER. I use that sucker constantly, for all sorts of things from hollandaise and mayo to guacamole and pesto to the aforementioned kid’s baby food. Get a sturdy one with metal housing and you’ll be able to make smoothies right in the thing you’re gonna drink them out of.

      (Could also wax poetic about the absolute necessity of a good chef’s knife, and rant endlessly about knife sets, but I’ll leave that for another day.)

      1. Loopy*

        Ohh stick blender is a good one! I also really like that philosophy. It’s a good one. When I moved in with my fiance somehow he had acquired a grilled cheese maker, and yes, it really couldn’t be used even as a basic press/grill for anything else. We never use it.

    7. Lcsa99*

      Don’t thing we could survive without our stand mixer, and we have got a ton of use out of our ice cream maker!

      Another thing we added on our list that we really love is our wine rack.

      1. Loopy*

        So I buy ice cream like most people buy bread and milk. It’s a staple. Is it more expensive to make the ice cream? Because usually we buy whats on sale for about 3.50 or so each week. I’ve always wondered if an ice cream maker would end up costing more per week since we have it so regularly.

        How easy is it to try crazy custom flavors?

        1. Parenthetically*

          A couple summers ago I made strawberry lemon basil ice cream and it was out of hand delicious, like the perfect early summer flavor explosion. Ice cream maker is broken now alas and we haven’t been able to justify buying another one, but absolutely the best part is experimenting with fun flavors.

          As far as buying vs. making, why not both? Make something fun and seasonal every month or whatever, and then buy the stuff from the grocery store as you go!

        2. Lcsa99*

          My husband probably hoes through ice cream as fast as you do. He has it maybe 345 -350 days of the year.

          I don’t think it’s cheaper to make – it’s probably a little more expensive, but it’s much tastier than store bought if you get the right recipes. Plus it gives you the power to have ice cream whenever you want without worry of running out!

        3. Roja*

          In my experience, it’s more expensive but more delicious if you’re used to buying the less expensive but still decent brands. It’s probably less expensive if you’re used to buying Ben and Jerry’s etc.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            It will be more expensive to make your own ice cream, no question, unless you’re buying a super-super-premium brand. The price of dairy ingredients varies regionally, but heavy cream is a mandatory ingredient in ice cream and it’s always expensive. I don’t use eggs in my ice cream but if you will be, eggs are getting pricier in our area. Any flavors you add (chocolate etc.) will also drive up the cost. Plus, usually you won’t get much more than a quart from a homemade ice cream recipe.

            But, homemade ice cream is so much more delicious. And you know exactly what’s in it. I’m so glad we started to make it ourselves.

      2. AdAgencyChick*

        Hubs got an ice cream maker attachment for our stand mixer, so if you want both of those things and space is tight (as it is for us, thanks NYC), that’s also an option.

        The attachment is still not all that small, but you can keep it in the freezer so it’s always ready to use and doesn’t take up cabinet space.

    8. LadyKelvin*

      I’m seconding the pizza/baking stone, kitchenaid mixer, and hand blender. I also love my toaster oven and crock pots (plural, because i own 4 in different sizes and use them 1-2 days a week).

      For things that make me smile, for our wedding one of our friends got us a backpack picnic basket. It has settings for 2, a wine key, cheese board and knife, plastic wine glasses, thermos, pouch for a wine bottle, and a cooler pouch for our food. We don’t use it often but it is awesome to take on a picnic.

      1. Loopy*

        These are good recs. I often ponder a kitchen aid mixer but I keep thinking I wont use it enough. I don’t cook or bake regularly.

        1. LadyKelvin*

          Honestly I had another cheaper mixer I didn’t use until I got the kitchen aid. Now the kitchen aid sits on my counter (its the only appliance that gets designated counter space) and I use it all the time. Its just there and easy to use and convenient.

        2. LemonLyman*

          If you don’t bake, I’d say skip the stand mixer. Here’s why…

          We were given a kitchen aid stand mixer for Christmas one year. And, while I appreciate the gift, we simply don’t use it. I don’t like leaving small appliances on the counter unless it’s something that is used nearly everyday (microwave, toaster oven, electric kettle, and spouse’s Nespresso are the only things that live on my counters). It’s VERY heavy which means I don’t pull it out/put away unless it’s really necessary and since neither of us bake, it just stays in storage. And it’s huge, so it doesn’t really fit in kitchen cupboards, so it’s currently living in the garage.

    9. Kathenus*

      Digital meat thermometer. I had two old style ones that had been my mom’s. Took forever, never sure of the accuracy, hard to test different parts of the meat. But oh my gosh the digital one is sooooo easy.

      1. Loopy*

        Oooo this is a really excellent idea (I’m vegetarian but fiance cooks and eats meat). Thanks!

    10. Extra Vitamins*

      Second this stick blender! Also iced tea spoons, which are just regular teaspoons with longer handles. I prefer them for all my spoon-related tasks, from eating soup to getting the last bit of something out of a jar.

    12. Dan*

      Kitchen aid mixer and a high end blender. High end blenders can double as a food processor for two people. Usually I buy everything as cheaply as possible, but those two things are worth the money. They also last forever.

    13. Yetanotherjennifer*

      We registered for, and received 2 packages of double stuff Oreos. :)
      I agree about the stick blender, stand mixer (big purchase, but it will last you forever), and digital thermometer with a probe. A waffle maker is also fun.

    14. Kuododi*

      DH and I have a canister set (flour, sugar and tea bags). When the three sections are pushed together they make a big blue and yellow cartoon fish. (In honor of DH working in Liberia as a fishery volunteer in Liberia from 87-89.)

    16. Aealias*

      IKEA’s little $10 garlic press. I use that thing every day, and it out-performs more expensive models by YEARS.
      Really good knives, a knife bar, and a Smith’s 2-Stage Pull-thru Knife Sharpener (or equivalent, that’s the one I have). The sharpener has crossed bars of carbide on one side and ceramic on the other, and is super simple for me (not a knife-savvy or -safe person) to use. And heavy, sharp knives make SUCH a difference to food prep!
      I used to have a black&decker multi-use hand mixer – it had a single beater, a whisk and a fancy stir-stick – and I used that into the ground. I’d love a replacement, cause my big mixer is not friends with a double-boiler.
      Huh, all my favourites are kitchen stuff. I am ALL about the food!
      Also, an indulgence, but an affordable and awesome one: air-popper for popcorn. So much popcorn! And so much better than the microwave stuff.

      1. Aealias*

        Correction! My sharpener is the “CCKS 2-step”. This matters because it’s smaller than my palm and tosses easily into a drawer, rather than taking up counter space.

    17. AdAgencyChick*

      Food processor. In order of how often I use it for the purpose: pestos and other quick sauces, riced cauliflower, onion-y/scallion-heavy meat marinades, pureed vegetable dips, liver pate.

      We eat a ton of chicken, and it’s so easy to switch up how it tastes by varying the marinade. I just whiz stuff in the food processor, dump it on the chicken, bake it, and forget about it.

    18. LemonLyman*

      Quirky gadgets:
      – Sphere ice mold: doesn’t melt as quickly as standard ice “cubes” and it’s really cool. Just be sure you have glasses that the ice ball can fit.
      – Oxo silicone ice cube tray with lid: these make actual cubes! This is helpful when you are cooking and have a bit of leftovers that you can use again in the future. I freeze leftover lemon or lime juice (great for salads!), tomato paste, canned chipotle peppers, chopped herbs in water, sauces, etc.

      Everyday item we are glad we have:
      – Electric kettle: we got ours as a wedding gift over 10 years ago and it’s been going strong! Every now and then I boil a mixture of equal parts white distilled vinegar and water in the pot to clean it out.
      – Toaster oven: Because often times it’s a waste to turn on the big oven. Line the bottom try in foil for easy cleanup.

      1. Lady Alys*

        +1 on the electric kettle. It’s especially wonderful if you drink tea; you can get a kettle with variable temperature settings for herbal/green/black teas, which all need different temps.

    20. TootsNYC*

      Gripstic bag sealers (there’s a YouTube video). THE best chip-clip type thing.

      And I love plastic drawer sets. And Command hooks.

      And a light-sensitive nightlight.

  87. Blah*

    So one of my driving instructors feels that I may not be medically safe to drive at all due to my particular manifestation of Autism being mixed with poor depth perception. This is a motorcycle course, and I’m a LOT better with a motorcycle than a car, but even with a bike my sensory processing are compromised enough that she doesn’t feel I should be operating anything, car or bike, before I sit down and talk to a doctor. Which I haven’t done in years. And it’s terrifying, because I can’t afford to stay in my expensive but public transit rich city, but in the city I’m moving too, not driving will hamper my mobility to a bad degree.

    1. Grace Less*

      Have you ever tried Vision Therapy? It might be worth an assessment to see if t could help with the depth perception issues.

    2. Nisie*

      Where I used to work, we had people who specialized in teaching those with disabilities such as autism how to drive. You might want to check with vocational rehabilitation in your state to see if they can help.

  88. Taxing are those taxes*

    First time using a CPA for my taxes. So, the CPA makes two mistakes. The first consists of misspelling the name of my street, which happens to be not only a US state, but also *the same street as the CPA’s business*! Second mistake consists miscalculating local taxes for the city where I’m employed (different from where I live). Initially he responds that he is right. Then after emailing the website with the tax rate on it, he responds that he will need to redo it. My returns are a bit complicated this year, but overall am not feeling very confident about this… would you find someone else in this tax crunch time?

    2. Sam Foster*

      I would and demand a refund. What about other mistakes that you haven’t caught? The whole point of hiring this person was so you didn’t have to do it yourself.

  89. nep*

    What is the deal with the skull in fashion? (Eg a skull made up of flowers on a sweatshirt…) Was/is it just a funky trend, or is there some deeper meaning or link I never knew about? (I sure don’t get the appeal but hey to each his/her/their own.)

    1. Big Person*

      It usually has to do with “The Day of the Dead (Spanish: Día de Muertos), which is a Mexican holiday celebrated throughout Mexico, in particular the Central and South regions, and by people of Mexican ancestry living in other places, especially the United States. It is acknowledged internationally in many other cultures. The multi-day holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey.” (from Wikipedia)

    2. Mystery Fan*

      It may have to do with the Mexican traditions surrounding Day of the Dead. (aka All Saints Day). The beautiful skull is a common motif

    3. Mephyle*

      Probably from the influence of Mexican Day of the Dead–inspired designs – which seem to be increasing in popularity and interest outside Mexico in the last few years. For example, the Mexico City Day of the Dead scene in the opening of the James Bond film Spectre gave the whole Day of the Dead thing a big international boost.

    4. fposte*

      I think it started as edgy rock chic in the mid-2000s and then got really mainstream. Day of the Dead probably helped popularize it but I think it went the other way, too–that people who thought skulls were cool started thinking Day of the Dead was cool. Maybe somebody artsier can comment, but I think even the later DoD calaveras have a different visual style than most of the rock-based fashion prints, and they’re definitely different than Posada’s.

      1. Extra Vitamins*

        It was also part of mid-1980s Goth fashion which my mom still worries will “influence” me.

      2. Triple Anon*

        The other underlying meaning is that we’re all the same – don’t be superficial. And to be aware of your own mortality as a reminder to live well / live for today.

  90. Monroe*

    Like every non-American I have a mental glossary converting US English to my English. Here’s a few words I only learnt recently and some that still baffle me.

    What’s in your mental glossary?

    benefits = I don’t think there’s really an Australian equivalent, maybe pay and conditions?
    bittersweet/semisweet chocolate = unclear, maybe dark chocolate without sugar intended for baking?
    biscuit = scone but treated as a savoury dish
    candy = confectionery (‘candy bar’ = chocolate bar)
    college = university
    cookie = biscuit
    cream = this one’s hard to figure out because Americans talk about putting cream in their tea and coffee which seems so bizarre I can’t tell if they’re talking about actual cream or something else. ‘Heavy cream’ seems to just be normal pouring cream and I’m not sure what they would call double cream.
    creamer = powdered equivalent of whatever Americans are talking about when they put ‘cream’ in their tea or coffee, but not the same as powdered milk?
    cup = a bit shy of 250mL, I think around 240mL
    elementary/grade school = primary school
    exempt and non-exempt = no Australian equivalent but there’s probably a fair bit of overlap between exempt/permanent and non-exempt/casual
    graham cracker = no Australian equivalent but it seems wheatmeal biscuits can be substituted in recipes
    March madness = something to with basketball
    physical = seems to be a doctor’s appointment made for the sake of making an appointment? Maybe kind of the equivalent of a vet’s annual check-up but for humans?
    play-offs = something to do with American football or basketball?
    PTO = leave
    sandwich = sometimes refers to an actual sandwich, sometimes refers to a roll or burger
    scone = basically a scone but triangular for some reason
    squash = pumpkin
    Superbowl = essentially equivalent to the AFL Grand Final
    stick of butter = about 110 grams; apparently American sticks of butter are also scored with marks indicating a tablespoon which is why so many recipes give the butter measurement in tablespoons
    tablespoon = fifteen mL, or three teaspoons instead of four
    wedding cake = not fruitcake apparently – Wikipedia says ‘white cake’ is the most popular flavour

    1. Cruciatus*

      I would disagree about college and university. In the US people do use them interchangeably, but there is actually a difference. My understanding is a college is just undergraduate study and a university offers both undergraduate and graduate study.
      A physical is basically just a once over by your doctor to check the basics. Some people do them yearly. I haven’t had one in years myself.
      We have squash and pumpkin, though pumpkin is a squash, but not all squashes are pumpkin.

      I’m American but my list for British English includes:
      “s” for words like realise (American: realize)
      “re” instead of “er” (theater/re)
      Crisps (this is potato chips I think?)
      Taking the piss
      Pronouncing valet as val-it, not val-ay

      And of course now that I’m trying to think of some I can’t. I do read a lot of books by British authors, or even by a authors who translate books into British English.

      1. Dan*

        I think the terms college/university are even more nuanced than that. Many universities divide their undergraduate programs into various “colleges”.

        1. Cruciatus*

          I suppose, but I think I am right on the basic level. At the university I work for it’s divided into schools. School of Humanities. School of Engineering. But it’s a university because it offers grad school. No one says “I’m going to college/university” to mean School of Engineering. They mean to the entire place. Maybe they did once upon a time, or maybe certain schools use that vernacular, but none of the schools I went to did, nor does the one I work at.

          1. Dan*

            But that implies your sample size is three, yes? Places I’m familiar with have divided things at the “college” level.

            1. Cruciatus*

              The main post was about the American “college” meaning “university” in other forms of English in other countries. My only point was that colleges and universities in the U.S. do (mostly!) have a difference of undergraduate and/or graduate studies that help explain why one is one or the other (which the internet has backed me up on). I’m sure some colleges (and universities!) do divide into colleges. I’m sure you’re right and I didn’t react properly as it didn’t really have anything to do with my point yet felt like a disagreement all at the same time. So my post didn’t capture what I wanted it to. So there can be colleges within universities, but that university is likely a university because it offers graduate courses…in one of the colleges/schools. That was all I was trying to say and somehow wish I hadn’t now.

      2. Enough*

        Actually there are colleges that offer graduate degrees. Messiah College in Pennsylvania is one. The distinction between college and university is how it’s organized. A university has colleges made up of departments that offer majors. For example Virginia Tech is a university. It has a number of colleges (engineering, business, etc). The colleges have departments (engineering has civil, mechanical, electrical, etc.). The departments have different areas of study. A college is made up of departments that offer different areas is study.

        1. Bibliovore*

          I was going to say, Bank Street College of Education in NYC only grants graduate degree.

      3. Cruciatus*

        There are of course exceptions to every rule. And I don’t think it’s illegal to be a college when you’re really a university or vice versa so many likely don’t change their names. I just know it was a big deal when a local college changed to university after they added graduate programs. Think of all of the things they had to change! From letterhead to commercials to billboards to T-shirts to bumper stickers to diplomas to…to…to…

      4. Little Bean*

        I think Monroe is referring to the way that people use the words colloquially though, not the technical definition that the institution itself may use. There are higher education institutions called Colleges and some called Universities but regardless, everyone says “I’m going to college”. No one in the US says “I’m going to university”.

    2. LadyKelvin*

      I’ll try to address some of your more confusing ones:

      benefits = I don’t think there’s really an Australian equivalent, maybe pay and conditions?
      Not pay, but everything else: health insurance, vacation/sick leave, retirement accounts, other things that some employers offer i.e. gym memberships, public transit vouchers
      bittersweet/semisweet chocolate = unclear, maybe dark chocolate without sugar intended for baking?
      Yes, these are for baking, usually in the form of chocolate chips (for cookies). Roughly bittersweet chocolate would be ~75-80% dark chocolate and semisweet is more like 65% dark chocolate.
      biscuit = scone but treated as a savoury dish
      Not really a scone, because they usually have no flour. They are made with flour, butter, baking soda, and buttermilk.
      cream = this one’s hard to figure out because Americans talk about putting cream in their tea and coffee which seems so bizarre I can’t tell if they’re talking about actual cream or something else. ‘Heavy cream’ seems to just be normal pouring cream and I’m not sure what they would call double cream.
      Ok there are several types of cream. The heavy whipping cream we use is the same as double cream, it has 35-40% fat. We also have regular whipping cream which has around 30% fat, and light cream with 15-20% fat. Also half and half has 10-15% fat. Usually when you are baking you would use heavy or regular whipping cream. You would use half and half or light cream in your coffee.
      creamer = powdered equivalent of whatever Americans are talking about when they put ‘cream’ in their tea or coffee, but not the same as powdered milk?
      Yes, creamer in the US is non-dairy, so its powdered but not milk.

      graham cracker = no Australian equivalent but it seems wheatmeal biscuits can be substituted in recipes
      Or biscotti cookies.

      March madness = something to with basketball
      College basketball.

      physical = seems to be a doctor’s appointment made for the sake of making an appointment? Maybe kind of the equivalent of a vet’s annual check-up but for humans?
      Yes, its your annual check up. Depending on the doctor they check all your vitals and then I’ve had doctors have me do different movements to check my mobility, do various lady-checks for problems or cancer screening, I’ve also had my hearing checked, blood sugar, cholesterol, and its a chance for me to ask questions about other weird things that I’ve noticed about my body or ask for advice in losing weight or starting a new exercise regime. It basically provides an annual baseline so that if you have problems, you have a normal to compare it to, and if your cholesterol or blood pressure is going up, you can act before it becomes a problem.

      play-offs = something to do with American football or basketball?
      All sports (most sports) its a head to head elimination series for the championships.

      scone = basically a scone but triangular for some reason
      They aren’t all triangles, but it is an easy way to cut them when you make them.

      squash = pumpkin
      All pumpkin are squash but not all squash are pumpkin. Butternut squash, zuccini, summer squash, acorn squash, and spaghetti squash are all also squashes. Pumpkin is often a dessert, but not always.

      stick of butter = about 110 grams; apparently American sticks of butter are also scored with marks indicating a tablespoon which is why so many recipes give the butter measurement in tablespoons

      tablespoon = fifteen mL, or three teaspoons instead of four
      3 1/2 teaspoons to be exact.

      wedding cake = not fruitcake apparently – Wikipedia says ‘white cake’ is the most popular flavour
      Wedding cakes can be any flavor you want. Ours was yellow cake and chocolate cake with buttercream icing.

      Hope that helps :) That was fun…

      1. Monroe*

        I probably should have numbered them, it would have made responding easier!

        Leave entitlements would be considered part of working conditions, as would access to a work gym, working from home arrangements, standard work hours etc. Employers are required to pay at least 9.5% of an employee’s salary into a superannuation account (in addition to their salary I mean); an advertised salary would not include super payments though if the ad refers to ‘total compensation’ it might include super. Private health insurance would be a fringe benefit like a car, parking or housing.

        It sounds like the US just has more categories of cream – what’s in the supermarket is pretty much pure cream, minimum 35% milk fat (used for cooking and whipping) and double cream, minimum 48% milk fat (mostly used for dolloping unless a recipe specifically calls for double cream). It was ages before I found out what half and half is!

        Butternut squash is butternut pumpkin in Australia. I don’t think we have summer squash, acorn squash or spaghetti squash (unless people grow their own). Pumpkin is never a dessert unless it’s in pumpkin scones :)

        So American scones are baked as a single slab of dough then cut? I hadn’t realised that.

        Also: vacation = holiday

        1. Dan*

          Although, with holiday/vacation, in the US we very much do have holidays. Not that I’ve ever found a situation where the difference mattered greatly, but it took awhile for me to realize that non-US speakers use the word holiday in a broader sense than Americans do.

        2. Reba*

          Scones: rolled out in a slab, cut with a knife–hence the triangles–then baked.

          What kinds of flour do y’all have in the store?

          1. Monroe*

            Most recipes will call for plain flour (what Americans call all purpose flour) or self raising flour. Supermarkets generally also stock bread flour and bread mixes. Some have 00 flour and things like wholemeal flour, gluten free flour, semolina, polenta, rice flour and cornflour (what Americans call cornstarch) in the same section.

            What you call baking soda is bicarbonate of soda, or carb soda for short.

        3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          You can make your own half and half using half milk by volume and half standard cream, hence the term. They just sell it here already mixed to add to coffee or tea, mostly. What do Australians put in coffee or tea? Milk? 35% fat cream?

          I can’t think of too many other uses for half and half (none that I use) because you can’t whip it.

          1. Monroe*

            Milk, if anything, for tea and instant coffee. In a cafe or restaurant tea will come with milk and sugar separately and coffee will come as a latte/cappuccino/flat white/short black.

        4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Summer squash are soft, young squash of certain varieties that taste good that way. Like zucchini, which google informs might be courgettes to you. Typically eaten as a side dish, often cooked with a bit of garlic and onion.

          Acorn squash are about the size of two fists and heavily ribbed. I’d sub with pumpkin or butternut squash in a recipe.

          Spaghetti squash has stringy flesh, in a good way. My family usually uses as a sub for noodles.

          And if you haven’t had pumpkin pie, you really, really should. Its quite easy to make and amazingly delicious.

    3. Accidental Analyst*

      In Aus I think we’re more like to use the term entitlements when talking about the equivalent of benefits. If companies offer things above this they could be considered benefits.
      * Entitlements – things required by legislation/awards. Includes leave (annual, personal, public holidays) doesn’t apply to casuals, allowances, super (retirement) contributions etc. This doesn’t include health/dental as we have universal healthcare and more cost effective health insurance
      * Benefits – extra super/vacation, travel, gym etc

      I’m wondering if the difference is (and please excuse any ignorance) that in the US apart from having to pay for work there’s less things that an employer has to provide. So anything in addition to that is a bonus/benefit. Whereas in Aus there’s more that has to be provided so companies as less likely to provide things on top of that

    4. Merci Dee*

      A bit if clarification on a couple of your items …

      Exempt vs. Non-exempt – both of these positions are usually permanent positions, usually salaried as opposed to hourly. The phrasing of “exempt” vs. “non-exempt” relates to employment designations set up by the federal taxing authorities that relate to whether an employee must be paid for the overtime they work (non-exempt, or not exempt from the federal overtime laws), and those that don’t have to be paid for the overtime they work (exempt from the federal overtime laws). Used to be that “professional” jobs such as accounting, IT and legal positions, etc. were always considered exempt. But those designations have been refined to take things like managerial responsibilities into consideration. For instance, I’m a staff accountant without any management duties, so I’m classified as non-exempt. My boss is an accounting manager, so she’s classified as exempt. I get paid for overtime, she doesn’t.

      Cream and creamer – some people put regular milk in their coffee or tea. Some people put in a liquid non – dairy creamer product that’s made for adding to coffee and other beverages. The non-dairy creamer also comes in a powder form that doesn’t have to be refrigerated. Benefits of the non-dairy products (both liquid and powder) is that they can come in some delicious flavors. And, you know, the non-dairy part for those who need it.

      Semi-sweet chocolate – a blend of unsweetened and sweetened chocolate, frequently used for baking (and sometimes just eating because you can’t wait long enough to mix up your dough and bake your chocolate chip cookies in order to get your chocolate fix).

      Hope this helps!

      1. Monroe*

        Semisweet chocolate – that makes sense. I’d be interested if anyone’s investigated how to adapt recipes that use bittersweet or semisweet chocolate. I assume you’d need to use less sugar since we don’t have unsweetened chocolate, or maybe more cocoa?

        Permanent employees can be full time or part time, is guaranteed a certain number of hours of work per week, and is entitled to annual leave and sick leave (benefits are pro rated for part time employees). They can’t be terminated without notice and the employer has to pay out any unused annual leave if they separate. Public servants are pretty much all permanent or fixed term contract (which is pretty much the same as permanent except only for a set period).

        Casual employees don’t have guaranteed hours of work and are not entitled to leave (apart from carer’s leave, compassionate leave and community service leave, all unpaid). They can also get parental leave if they’ve worked regularly for an employer for twelve months. The minimum hourly rate is higher for casuals to compensate for not getting annual leave. They can be terminated without notice. Most work in retail and fast food is casual.

        1. Someone else*

          No need to add sugar to, say, a cookie recipe, if you use semisweet chocolate chips. At least, I wouldn’t. Semisweet isn’t unsweetened. It’s dark chocolate with half as much sugar as cocoa in it. That’s where the “semi” comes from. Also, at least in the US, “semisweet” and “bittersweet” are sometimes used interchangeably. It’s probably easiest to just think of it as “dark chocolate”, although it’s usually somewhere around 35-45%, not super dark chocolate.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          My trusty “Joy of Cooking” says that 1 2/3 oz. semisweet chocolate is 1 oz. unsweetened and 4 teaspoons sugar. Also that 1 oz unsweetened chocolate can be substituted with 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder and 1 tablespoon butter or other fat.

          1. Natalie*

            Although that wouldn’t work in a lot of recipes using semisweet chocolate because they are calling for chocolate pieces, which wouldn’t integrate with the sugar.

          1. Wrench Turner*

            For Maryland style rub it on your fries. For “authentic” Maryland style rub it in your eyes.

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          From Wikipedia:
          “Recipe substitution
          “Digestive biscuits are similar enough to Graham crackers that each can be used as a substitute for the other, such as in the United States where digestive biscuits are uncommon, and in places like Australia where Graham crackers are unavailable.”

          https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digestive_biscuit

    7. Parenthetically*

      American married to an Australian here!

      Biscuits can be savory or sweet. Savory they’re either used as the bread in a sandwich (usually breakfast, like with bacon/egg/cheese sorts of things) or covered in white sauce with browned crumbled sausage meat in as in “biscuits and gravy” which is also a breakfast food and which every Aussie I’ve ever known thinks of as just unutterably bizarre. Sweet we eat them similarly to you, with jam or honey (but butter rather than cream).

      The burger/sandwich/roll thing I find hilarious. For Aussies it seems the bread controls the name, whereas for us the meat/unmeat controls the name. Burgers in the US are made with a patty of mince of some kind — lamb, turkey, beef, chicken, mushrooms and beans, whatever. If it’s not mince, we do not call it a burger. Everything else is a sandwich. And a roll is just a round piece of bread served on the side of your meal, like with a holiday dinner. The first time my now-husband asked me to get him a salad roll at a restaurant I literally had no context for what the heck he was talking about! Like a salad AND a roll? A roll… with lettuce on it? That doesn’t sound delicious or filling at all. We’re going on three years married and I just about understand him most of the time. ;)

      “Candy” as a category is more like “lollies” imo? Candy bar or chocolate bar are going to be chocolate, but if someone asks if you want candy it’s probably going to be what you think of as lollies.

  91. Anxa*

    This overlaps with work thread a little bit because I mostly care about what I wear on days I work, but my wardrobe at work is pretty casual and my bigger concern is fashion in general.

    This is a really weird question, but does anyone know of any women’s catalogs/websites that uses models wearing full shoes?

    I feel like no matter wear I look, jeans are paired with heals. Ankle pants with ballet shoes. Rolled up pants with sockless oxfords. I’m desperate to move away from boots, as even the most comfy ones aren’t really orthopedically excellent, but pickings are slim for dressier/business casual shoes that cover the full foot. I’m at a loss for how to pair women’s shoes with women’s pants in this era of constantly exposed (weather bare or covered just with tights) women’s feet/ankles.

    I find skinny jeans make my legs numb (pressure on the knees) and ankle boots make me feet feel awkward after a while. I live in my ortholite Keds, but that means I can’t really dress up much and am living in straight leg (hard to find) and skinny jeans (ouch), even at work.

    As we enter spring, I want to drop boots and booties and wear more summery styles, but my office is too cold for dresses and I hate exposed ankles.

    1. fposte*

      I’m not quite getting what kind of coverage you’re looking for. Is an oxford not high enough, or is it that you’re mostly seeing oxfords without socks that’s the problem?

      Looking around, I see what you mean fashion-wise–the exposed ankle is apparently A Thing right now. But Gap also has straight-leg jeans of a longer length, and Old Navy might too (I can never parse their cut terms). Lands’ End and Talbots have full-length pants and jeans. It’s also possible that this effect is to some extent seasonal and there might be more longer stuff back in fall, but who knows? I would just wear the full-length pants with socks and the flats of your choice.

      1. Anxa*

        It’s a bit of circular issue I suppose.

        I have trouble picking out what shoes to buy, because whenever I like a shoe, I wonder what pants to wear it with. I’m running low on pants (I’ve been living in jeans for a long time). Then when I go look for the pants I have in my head, I can’t picture what they would look like with full shoes (like a loafer or oxford or some types of boots) and they are only ever modeled with heels, ballet flats, or other half-shoe.

        I would just go try them on more, but whenever I go to a store, I can only find full length pants in skinny jeans or wide leg trouser.

        I think I’m going to shop in store for a style without regard to fabric and construction and then try to shop those looks online.

        (I’m also a little incredulous over this exposed ankle thing, because this means shaving my feet and ankles when I wouldn’t other wise feel pressured to, and that’s a nonstarter for my lazy self)

    2. Reba*

      It’s challenging since particularly if the website is trying to show you the shoes, they want them visible! And yeah, ankles are a thing. I think it’s because the ankle lenght ‘solves’ in a way the problem you face, where do the skinny pants meet the shoes?

      You might look for androgynous or menswear style blogs. Dapper Q, Allison Graham come to mind.

    3. NaoNao*

      Hmm! Tough question!
      You might want to look at “women of a certain age” blogs, as often women 40+ need sturdy, comfortable shoes or just like the look of socks and shoes better.
      I just saw a post from a woman with cropped pants and funky socks and low heeled oxfords.
      During the transitional months, up until recently, my go to look was funky socks with cropped pants and a low bootie.
      In spring I do lace or fishnet tights and booties, or full length jeans and thin socks with slip on chunky sneaks.
      Lately that isn’t cutting it for me in terms of feeling sharp and polished enough, so I too am looking for ways to stay warm and still look stylish.

      I think I understand the issue, which is that many shoes seem to be made to be worn with no show socks or no socks, and it now looks odd to the fashion “eye” to have just, like, chunky loafers and a pair of socks with trousers.

      1. Anxa*

        Yes that’s close to the issue.

        I have a lot of sensitivity issues and I absolutely detest the sensation of no-shoe socks. I would rather do tights and heels occasionally, but for everyday I’m determined to wear socks (plus, those sock need to be coarse enough that I don’t slip around in my dress shoes like I often do (skinny heels/ankles).

        I look at my boyfriend’s wardrobe and I’d just like more feminine versions of that, but women’s menswear rarely seems to be the translation I’m looking for. Thanks for the suggestion on 40+ blogs. I’m not quite there yet, but I have long been a ‘sensible shoes’ kind of girl and there’s a lot I like about the 40+ crowd style.

    4. HannahS*

      Hm. Well, I’ve been wearing ankle boots (with LACES because I need to be able to control how tight they are) from Josef Siebel and I’ve really liked them. I wear them with jeans and dress pants. I used to have a great pair of leather sneakers from Ecco. They were smooth and looked more like dress shoes, and were great with pants. I’m looking for something like oxfords to replace them, and I’d just wear them with socks and not wear cropped pants. There’s nothing wrong about wearing socks! Also, have you thought about men’s shoes? I find their styles to be more conservative and wearable.

    5. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Try Pinterest and search for styles with boot cut or wide leg pants for style ideas. That will lead you to bloggers and brands. Wide legged pants are supposedly on their way back in style. Also check out NYDJ brand jeans. I find their styles are longer. You could also see how tall-sized pants fit you.

    6. shoe nut*

      1. wingtips
      2. maryjanes

      I buy up a half-size so I can wear regular socks. Sometimes I shop in the men’s dept., but usually need a men’s narrow, which is rarely available. I’m a regular to slightly wide width in women’s sizes.

  92. Aurora Leigh*

    What’s the typical amount of notice to give your landlord that you’re planning to move?

    I checked my lease and it just states the dates of the lease (ends June 30), penalty for breaking the lease, and that it goes to month to month after the lease is up.

    I’m planning to move in with my boyfriend around the time my lease is up. So when should I tell the landlord? She’s been really great to rent from, and I don’t think she’ll have too much trouble finding another tenant — its a very nice apt, even though it’s quite small.

    1. LadyKelvin*

      Your state will have laws for that. In some places I’ve lived its been 90 days, in others its been 30. We have to give 60 days in Hawaii unless it is a month to month lease, then its only 30 days. A quick google will tell you.

    2. Engineering consultant*

      Look in your contract, if it’s not spelled out in there, generally 30-60 days prior to move-out is good, but the earlier the better.

    3. Florida*

      Tell her as soon as you know for sure. It’s not like a job where they can fire you before your notice period ends. You have a contract, so they have to let you stay. The exact time varies by the lease and the state. In Florida, if a residential lease is silent on the issue, you can move out on the expiration date with no notice Once it converts to month-to-month, you have to give 15 days notice. But no landlord wants to find out on the last day that you are moving out, even if the lease allows for that.
      If your lease expires, let’s say August 1, it is very helpful to her if you tell her now. Also, if she finds someone who wants to move in before August 1 and you want to leave sooner than August 1, that might work out nicely. But she can’t make you leave early if you don’t want to.

    4. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Usually 60 or 90 days is the norm — but then, I’ve always had a lease that spelled it out. It’s odd that yours doesn’t. If you’re leaving your landlord on good terms, you might recommend it to her for the future.

  93. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    4 more weeks…
    On that note, has anyone here made fruit centerpieces for a table? Any colors that clash with each other? Ivory and dark purple are colors being used but I’m debating between plums or red grapes, with yellow apples or pears? Or green fruit? Sigh :/

    1. Aealias*

      Red grapes and pears, or green grapes and plums. Contrast both colour and size. Shape too for bonus points.

  94. Juli G.*

    What are your favorite moisturizers for day and night? And favorite face washes? I’m pretty cheap and I hate buying stuff and then having to toss it (or hoard it because… cheap) since it didn’t work for me.

    My skin is combination.

    1. Oxford Coma*

      I’m another with combo skin, and I’m currently loving Neogen Dermalogy Green Tea Real Fresh Foam Cleanser. It smells nice, cleans without stripping, and leaves the skin feeling soft without tightness.

      I need a new moisturizer, though. My usual go-to Olay no longer seems combatible with my skin.

      Also, regarding tossing stuff that doesn’t work, the Fashionista blog publishes a “comprehensive list of where you can return opened beauty products”. IMO, as long as you legitimately don’t like the product and don’t abuse the system, it’s fair game.

      1. Juli G.*

        Good to know on the open product return! The emergency shelters around here won’t take used product which I get but sometimes I’ve used so little you wouldn’t be able to tell if the packaging wasn’t torn.

        And thanks for the rec!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I’m poor AF and I use the Walmart Equate version of Olay Complete with SPF 15 for day. For night, I use Pond’s Dry Skin Cream. Both are cheap. My skin used to be very oily–and still can be from time to time–but it’s gotten dryer as I’ve gotten older. I just can’t afford anything better, though these seem to work quite well. I’ve also begun using the Equate version of Cetaphil soap for bathing. Sorry, Yardley’s English Lavender–you smell great but I need MOISTURE.

    3. Roja*

      I use Neutrogena’s Rapid Tone Repair Night cream. I really love it; it’s done great at evening out my skin tone, which was previously horrible. It’s $20ish per bottle and lasts me 4-6 months, so quite inexpensive. Well, compared to the higher-end brands anyway. For soap I just use goat’s milk soap on both face and body.

    4. Kisses*

      Clinique 3 step used to work for me.. But the weird thing is it won’t anymore. I’ve had more breakouts after 30 than in all of high school!

    5. Thursday Next*

      Sometimes I use different face washes on my cheeks and forehead. So, for the T-zone, I’ll use CeraVe foaming cleanser for normal to oily skin, and for my cheeks I’ll use their hydrating cleanser. Sometimes I’ll use the hydrating one for my whole face in the morning, and the other one on my whole face at night. I think there are drugstore label versions of some CeraVe products. Each bottle lasts me a pretty long time.

      I’ve had a hard time finding a drugstore moisturizer that I like, though.

    7. HannahS*

      I use spectro gel morning and night as a cleanser, and either neutrogena, spectro, or simple brand moisturizer. The packaging is ugly and they aren’t dyed and scented in appealing ways, but they’re all really gentle. I also use Shiseido urban environment sunscreen, which is the only truly non-greasy sunscreen I’ve ever encountered.

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      I also have combo skin.

      If I have the money, I like Ole Henrikson, Caudalie, First Aid Beauty, or Fresh (all from Sephora).

      If not, I like a brand called Nip+Fab, available at Shoppers Drug Mart in Canada (I’m sure they must be available from CVS or similar in the US). I like the kale moisturiser.

    9. NicoleK*

      I’ve used the Neutrogena Oil Free Moisturizer for sensitive skin for years. After I finish my current moisturizer, I’m going to try the Vanicream Lite lotion (this brand is highly recommended by Dr. Dray, a dermatologist with a Youtube channel). As for face washes, I’ve used the Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Cleanser for years but switched to the Cerave Hydrating Facial Cleanser. Both are gentle enough for my skin.

    10. SciDiver*

      Combo skin here too, but I oscillate a bit between oily and dry. My favorite all-around moisturizer is Vanicream Lite Lotion; my dermatologist gave me a ton of samples as a teen and I’ve been a fan ever since. My pricier but definitely worth it go-to is Acure ultra-hydrating body lotion. I usually don’t advocate Whole Paycheck products, but a little goes a long way (I’ve had the same bottle for nearly 2 years now and I’m 3/4 of the way through it) and it helped my skin when no other moisturizer did.

    11. FrontRangeOy*

      I use Olay original formula cold cream for cleaning my face and moisturizing (and the wipes formula for eye makeup). I work in a kitchen about 2 or 3 weeks out of every month and the heat really messes with my skin but cold cream keeps my face happy.

  95. Mischa*

    I am looking for a clothes steamer recommendation! Preferably something fairly compact and affordable and actually gets wrinkles out of clothes. I have an iron but my ironing board is itty bitty and it’s difficult to wrestle a skirt or shirt on it.

    1. Mimi*

      My litter steamer over at bed bath and beyond is my favorite. Had mine for years! It’s like $20

    2. To your point*

      I got a great little one off amazon last year. I’ll post the link in my next comment.

  96. Accidental Analyst*

    Thanks for the advice a couple of weeks ago re podcast and reader apps. I’ve settled on Overcast for podcast – clean UI and easy to use. Still haven’t settled on an RSS reader – will keep looking

  98. Ms. Gullible*

    I wanted to give an update. Last weekend I had the police escort me to get the rest of my belongings from my old house since ex is still living there and he threatened to hit me. I did not leave the kids with him. The police and my lawyer advised me not to let him have them as there was no reason he had to give them back. He had my ‘replacement’ moving in as I was moving out. He wanted the kids to do Easter things but I said only if he asked his girlfriend to leave. He refused. The only reason I do not want her around my children is she had her own children taken away by the state. If you can’t be trusted with your own children, there is no way I can trust you near mine.

    This week he finally must have opened my lawyers letter to him stating my motion for sole temporary and permanent custody. (Its been there for weeks.) He called my lawyer stating he wants to settle this out of court and he wants one weeknight, every other weekend, and half the holidays. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he is going to go for some custody. I had already said half holidays and every other weekend with no overnights and his girlfriend is not allowed during his parenting time. (He’s an alcoholic who relapsed a couple months ago, he has sleeping disorder that means he has to be physically woke, and his new girlfriend lives there.) I laughed at my lawyer. The amount of time I’m giving him each weekend is more than he spent with them in a single month. For the last year we lived together, he was never home on the weekends and it was hit or miss if he came home on the weeknights. If he did come home before us, he was passed out or he would come home after the kids went to bed. If there was a rare day the kids saw him, he wouldn’t try to take care or them or play with them. He hasn’t asked if they needed anything, how they are doing or even to see them since we moved. I want my kids to have a father but he literally makes no effort to be a part of their lives.

    2. valentine*

      I may have misunderstood last week: the disorder means he will stay asleep unless someone wakes him? Has he refused a sleep study or CPAP? It may help to tell your lawyer alcohol’s contraindicated for people with sleep disorders.

      1. Ms. Gullible*

        Yes, he is completely out while sleeping. He must physically be awoken and even that takes time. I used to spend a minimum of 30 minutes trying to wake him. Our oldest would jump on him and it wouldn’t phase him.

    3. Kisses*

      This makes me hurt for you so badly. I am so sorry- you don’t deserve this.
      You are a great parent. Continue to stay the course.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed you are indeed a great parent. Sometimes the best we get out of a situation is to know there is danger ahead. This gives us the time to prepare and hopefully prevent that danger from happening. Your eyes are wide open and you are reading the situation with great clarity.
        You and your children are in my thoughts.

    4. Anonforthis*

      I would go for full custody no visitation and a no contact order, since he threatened violence.

    5. Mananana*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this; it must be heartbreaking. I wish nothing but the best for you and your children moving forward.

    6. Nicole76*

      It’s really sad when I see people like your ex use the children as a way to get back at someone. It’s immature and childish. He only wants more time with them to hurt you. He’s a selfish person and doesn’t deserve any time with them until he can prove he’s worthy of being a parent.

    7. Reba*

      So, so glad you are out of there. I know there will still be a long road ahead, but you are doing the right thing, as sad as it must feel sometimes.

  99. SFF Bookworm*

    I have a book recommendation that I totally have to rave about, and I know there are people here who enjoy scifi. It’s a novella, “Matters Arising from the Identification of the Body” by Simon Petrie, and it’s just won the 2018 Sir Julius Vogel novella of the year award. It’s set on Titan, it’s a crime investigation, and it’s utterly, utterly wonderful and deserves a signal boost.

  100. Amaterasu*

    How do I encourage my sweet, wonderful partner to take better care of his hygiene?

    We have been together 6 years and he’s an incredible man. When met online so our courting period was done 550 miles away from each other. When we met in person he was on top of his showering and teeth brushing but after we moved in together but slowly fell back into bad habits (his own words) and now showers once or twice a week at best. Brushing his teeth happens at the same frequency, and it’s taking a hit to our intimacy for obvious reasons.

    I’ve talked to him many times over the years and how it affects me and us and he says, “I’ll try to do better.” and things may change for a week or two, but they always go back to the way they are. What are some things I can do that won’t make me sound like his mother? I think part of the issue is he has untreated depression (he’s prescribed meds and won’t take them) and another part is laziness.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Maybe invite him to take a shower with you at least every other day, if not every day. You could take both of your toothbrushes into the shower and brush while your washing, as a sort of 2-for-1 thing. If that showering ritual gets you both in the mood for romance, even better.

      Otherwise, if he falls back into the habit of neglecting his hygiene but wants to get intimate, pull him into the shower for some sexy suds time. I’m kind of torn about the idea of telling him that you feel like you can relax more with intimacy if you feel like you’ve freshened up for him (don’t want to promote the idea that women’s bodies are gross and need to be washed in order to be attractive or acceptable, or anything along those lines). But this might be an opportunity to help him re-set his habits in a more fun, less naggy way.

      Ultimately, though, you need to think this through and decide how big of a deal hygiene is to you. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me – I don’t think I could have spent 6 years already rehashing this same issue. I get that he’s a wonderful guy, and that he’s not taking the meds he’s been prescribed for depression. But this is effecting you, too, and you shouldn’t be put in the position where you feel like you’re his mother and have to keep after him to bathe.

      I can’t believe that this is the only way his untreated depression is manifesting, either. You need to take all the ways this is presenting into account, too.

    2. NaoNao*

      Toughie.
      Can you encourage him to join you in using Habitica or similar habit building apps?
      Alternately, can you scare him into compliance at least with tooth brushing with stats about gum disease and heart disease, which are linked?
      Any way you could ask him to take a walk with you after dinner; that might help with the depression part.
      Maybe the talk needs to get taken up a notch “Babe, your smell and breath is a turn off and I don’t want to have sex with you unless you’re bathed and brushed at least once every day. What needs to happen to get you there?”
      I have to tell my BF to cut his nails every. freaking. week for a couple reasons (he likes them longer than I do and he overcame nail biting so he enjoys growing them) and I had to be crystal clear that it was a turn OFF for me before he started just going “okay” when I was like can you cut your nails, hon?

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I think the bigger problem is that he’s not treating his depression. Poor hygiene is a common symptom of depression and you might not be able to work on the hygiene until the depression is being managed.

    4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      There isn’t anything you can do.

      He needs therapy, and he needs to be under the care of a doctor who can monitor his health and well-being. It sounds like his depression is quite significant, and is really affecting his life.

    5. nep*

      Agree with others that he’s got to tackle the depression.
      Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Keep us posted.

    6. Wrench Turner*

      Depressed guy here. He MUST see a therapist and MUST take his medication regularly, and MUST bathe regularly. His health and well-being depends on it. Your relationship depends on it. If he cares about you he will do these things. It’s one thing to have struggles with your mental health issues – it’s another to be lazy. If he cares about you, if he’s a wonderful man, he’s got to get help.

      While that process is working itself out, he’s got to re-establish regular routines; shower every other day minimum, twice brushing daily minimum, all that. Compliments of ‘hey you smell/taste good’ will help motivate him to keep good habits.

      1. anonymous for the hygiene question*

        +1

        Another person with mental illness. When I was going through a very long bout with depression (took a while to find the right meds), I saw a therapist bi-weekly. Early on she gave me a list of daily tasks to do. Shower and brushing teeth was on that list. Therapist said standing under running water can be therapeutic for some, which is the case for me. Other self-care things also make a difference: I wear clothes that fit well and look good on my body type. Really helps- I might feel crappy on the inside, but I’m meeting my goal to take care of myself. And knowing I look perfectly fine on the outside helps me preserve my privacy about my illness.

        In terms of building habits, pairing a new action with something already a habit works well. so, maybe after using the toilet, he heads straight into the shower and brushes teeth during the shower?

    7. Emilie*

      This is a symptom of his depression. So I think you should look into how you can help him deal with that, instead of trying to treat the symptoms. This might mean sounding a bit like his mom at times, and maybe you’ll need to have a talk with him about his meds or an alternative treatment. Pills don’t work if you don’t take them.

      The best way to help depressed people overcome basic things is actually to mother them a bit; tell him he has to shower. Make him brush his teeth when you brush yours. It’s not very sexy, but it’s a way to keep him going until you get a grip on how to handle his depression.

    8. Jules the First*

      The tooth brushing is not normal and not ok, but for the record, some normal adult humans shower only once or twice a week. Frequency of showering alone is not a hygiene issue – this is only a problem if he’s exhibiting odors or other signals of poor hygiene.

    10. Jemima Bond*

      If I want my OH to get his @rse out of bed and into the shower I sing “stinky boy, I don’t want to date a stinky boy!” to the tune of Single Girl by irritating nineties British band Sleeper.
      Probably take the more sensible advice above though… ;-D

  101. Nisie*

    I had a huge increase in my anxiety this week, to the point that I took 3x the normal anxiety dose. Once my husband’s insurance cards get here, I’m going to see the doctor to get on something stronger. This was one month since I got fired.

    It will get better, but slowly

    2. Kisses*

      I’m really glad you have support. I’m sorry to hear about your job. Anxiety is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, but I can’t get medication anymore. We have share of cost insurance through the state, but they just doubled it before they will kick in any costs. Even a few extra dollars a month isn’t feasible for us.
      I really, truly hope you feel better soon.

    3. Natalie*

      If the insurance coverage has already started (like, it’s effective April 1st) you don’t need to wait to get the cards to go see a doctor!

      1. TootsNYC*

        yes! As long as the coverage is effective, and it’s just that the cards are still in the mail, all you need to do is tell the doctor’s office staff what your insurance company is. They can find all the numbers they need.

  102. Amber Rose*

    I haven’t slept properly in two weeks. Husband’s snoring volume is literally like sitting next to a revving car. It’s so loud I can hear it downstairs in the living room, where I’ve been failing at sleeping on the couch.

    It started suddenly and I don’t know why, but I’m actually hanging on a thread here in terms of my ability to function. I know it’s not his fault, he tries different things to stop it, and I can’t put him on the couch with his car accident injuries (he was rear ended by a bus not long ago.)

    I just didn’t bother going to bed last night at all. I’ve been up over 48 hours.

    It’s taking all my strength not to yell at him. I’m starting to feel repulsed when he comes near me, and for some reason he seems extra clingy lately. Things are dire. :(

    I wonder if it would be irresponsible to use some of my savings and go stay in a cheap hotel for a bit.

    1. Caledonia*

      So he has no previous snoring history? Might be worth a check up with a Dr/something to do with being rear ended just to see if there is something going on.

    2. Trisana chandler*

      Not at all! Do it now, do it tonight. You need sleep!
      He should get checked asap by a doctor as well as this is unsustainable and could be triggered by a health issue. Other suggestions – he should avoid alcohol as this will make things worse, treat any cold/flu symptoms with some cold and flu tablets in case mucus is worsening things.
      For you – definitely go to a motel and get a good sleep, and be very careful getting there as sleep deprivation is akin to being drunk on reaction times etc. Going forward, I’ve found sleeping with headphones and a continuous white noise track is helpful. It’s not perfect but it’s definitely better.
      Good luck!

    3. Kisses*

      My husband started after he began drinking and gained a lot of weight.. Sometimes those seem to be triggers? I have allergies this time of year and that can cause some wheezing for me while I sleep.
      Hope it gets better! You need rest and he does too, I hear snorers wake up frequently without realizing it.

    4. Faintlymacabre*

      You need sleep! My ex had terrible snoring. Less drinking helped, but he was not amenable to cutting down (hence the ex part), and also nasal strips helped. But seriously, seriously, seriously, sleep deprivation is a huge thing. Please do not sacrifice your health.

    5. PB*

      I’m so sorry. My husband snores, so I have some sense of what you’re going through. Things that have helped include good quality ear plugs and blowing a fan in my face for white noise. Other people I know swear by white noise apps. I haven’t personally found them helpful, but you might want to give them a try. Also, exercise in general helps me sleep better. If I’m more tired when I go to bed, I’m more likely to sleep through the night, even with my husband virtually yelling next to me.

      That said, nothing makes it go away completely, and despite everything, the snoring will get through.

      It is concerning that this is a sudden change. You mention he’s tried different things to stop it. Has he been to a doctor yet? Lots of things can affect snoring, and it could be a sign of something having changed, especially since he had a recent accident. If he hasn’t yet, I think it would be worth bringing up with his PCP and see if they have any suggestions.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. If staying in a hotel for a few days will help, then go for it. Best of luck to you.

    6. CatCat*

      It’s not irresponsible to go stay at a hotel. This is your health! I would do it.

      As others have said, a doctor’s visit ASAP for your husband. My spouse snores terribly and he found out he had developed sleep apnea. We both get much better sleep now that he has the machine that helps him breathe (no more snoring!)

    7. Wrench Turner*

      I’m in your exact shoes, it’s the same with my wife. I can hear her in the next room and know when she’s asleep, and it’s gotten worse as her weight goes up and the winter air dried out the house. There was a point where I was sleeping in the bed until she came in, would wake me up after about 2 hours and I would just try to go sleep on the couch for another. For months I only got 2-4 hours of sleep a night, and nearly walked out because my health and sanity was suffering. Do 2 things:
      1- Get a bucket of cheap foam ear plugs and get used to wearing them. Turn your alarm clock way up / put it close to your head. Your hubs will be probably woken up too and that’s just the way it is. Your health is priority, he can go back to sleep. I hated it for a while but now I tolerate it and sleep much better.
      2- Have him see a doctor. It could be allergies, dry winter air, weight gain, sleep apnea – all of the above? and get it diagnosed. There are things that can be done about it, some of which he may have to do on his own, if he genuinely cares about your health and well being – yes, this is a relationship test. Also, this is likely affecting his quality of sleep too, and his health, and needs to be addressed, especially if it’s ‘sudden’.

      Good luck. Sleep well.

      1. Lindsay J*

        This.

        I use 32 decibel noise reduction foam earplugs every night because my boyfriend snores loudly. He also winds up moving to the couch most nights because he finds that better for his sinuses. And when we are staying in hotels earplugs are the only way I can manage any sleep at all.

        His sinuses are causing the snoring issue. He had surgery on them a long time ago, but his most recent doctor has mentioned another surgery he can have to help clear them out.

        I apparently have sleep apnea. I’m not sure whether I snore less now, but getting the CPAP machine and the proper mask sorted out has definitely improved my quality of sleep – I sleep through the whole night rather than waking up when I guess my breathing stopped. And I don’t feel like I need a midday nap anymore now.

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I think a hotel is a great idea. Also naps however you can get them. Being tired helps you sleep but being overtired gets in the way of sleep. Also play around with ear plugs, humidifiers, and white nose generators to see what will turn his snoring into background noise. What happens if you put white noise in the bedroom where your husband is and near the couch where you’re sleeping? I’m married to a loud snorer and I’ve got tinnitus. I use ear plugs to dull the outside sound and turn my tinnitus into my personal white noise machine. I find once I’m asleep I’ll usually sleep until morning. My phone alarm is set to sound and vibration and that usually is enough to wake me. Also consider using relaxation meditations. By now you’re probably stuck in an anxiety loop where just going to bed and anticipating the snoring is making you tense and unable to sleep. I often use a warm rice pack on the back of my thigs to help me relax. Cold feet can also get in the way of sleep. Timing may also help. If you can, stagger bedtimes so you have time to fall asleep before your husband comes to bed. And definitely get him to a doctor. He probably isn’t sleeping well either which can make his snoring worse.

    9. Observer*

      Get ear plugs so you can get some sleep. And get him to the doctor ASAP. The snoring and extra dinginess says that he’s probably not sleeping all that well. And this level of snoring is NOT normal or healthy at any point. If it’s a new thing, they it’s even more concerning.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      (And regular commenters who know that, I’d be grateful if you didn’t add to these since it’s more work for me to remove replies too.)

  104. Poor Pup*

    TW: Dog attack

    The pet dog of a family friend (Susan for the owner, Ritchie for the dog) was attacked by another dog. I wasn’t there but heard the story: Susan was out on a walk with a friend and her twin-grandchildren (toddlers who were in a stroller), with Ritchie on his leash. They walked past a neighbor who is know in their community for working with rescue dogs, trying to rehabilitate them. One of the rescue dogs slipped off his leash and attacked Ritchie.

    Susan, rescue owner, grandmother, and a passerby were all able to get the rescue off of Ritchie but poor Ritchie got mauled very badly. He’s also a little dog, maybe 12 pounds, while the rescue is significantly bigger. Susan took Ritchie to the vet where he was diagnosed with broken ribs, a nearly punctured lung, and several other severe injuries. He’s already had one surgery and is scheduled for another. Ritchie is doing a lot better but he’s only at 10% of the dog he was, and the vet said that something could still go wrong.

    But what I’m torn about is the rescue. That dog is currently with Animal Control, and no decision has been made about his fate. Now I am a dog lover through and through. I support rescue dogs and want them all to end up in forever homes. I think they all deserve a chance at rehabilitation. But I’m seeing photos of Ritchie, this dog I love and care about, all messed up and I can’t help but to think that this is bad and the rescue needs to be put down.

    It makes me feel terrible because I don’t want to wish something like that on a dog who probably had a terrible life but the thought still circulates. And part of me wonders if that would be a mercy when the other thing that could be decided is to lock the rescue up with no contact for the rest of his life; I’ve read articles of that solitary confinement treatment given to vicious dogs and think that’s far worse than just euthanizing them.

    I’m just worried about Ritchie and Susan, and sad for the fate of the rescue.

    1. Wrench Turner*

      It’s sad all around. I’ve worked with some rescues that were able to be very, very slowly socialized in to healthy interactions again, and even then tightly controlled, but I always worried. It’s not the dog’s fault, but if it really is an unprovoked attack risk, it’s a danger to humans as well. Yes, a life alone in a small cage is no life. I don’t see a good outcome either way, but I would lean toward putting it down. I hope the owner of the dog is taking care of Richie pup’s expenses, too. It’s ultimately their responsibility for letting the violent dog get out.

      1. Lindsay J*

        It reminds me of an issue that happened with the Houston flooding. There was a dog rescue that needed help to get some of the dogs they had rescued, however, some of the dogs they had were dog aggressive and even people aggressive I think, which made it more difficult for them to be able to get all the dogs rescued.

        I think ultimately they were able to get all the dogs (and I think there were pigs out) but the aggressive ones complicated matters and made the pool of people willing and able to help in the situation smaller.

    2. Little Bean*

      This is so sad. I think it’s possible for dogs like this to still have happy lives with a family where they are the only pet in the house, and the family is extremely cautious about their access to the outside world. My sister’s dog is like this – she’s great with people but dog aggressive, and she’s a large dog so she could do some damage. She’s basically kept in the house or yard most of the time, and only taken outside on leash in areas where they are unlikely to see other dogs. But it puts a lot of limitations on her humans, and it’s still a risk that she could get out of the yard one day or something – it’s hard to find families willing to take on a situation like this.

    3. Lehigh*

      I think a dog who does that needs to be put down. It’s harsh, but the fact is that there are going to be dogs euthanized every month of the year. There are just not enough homes & rescues to go around. A dog who attacks unprovoked and then is kept and extensively managed is taking up a huge amount of resources that would otherwise be going to other dogs.

  105. nep*

    If you were to move to a place where no one knows you, what might you do differently? Something you might be holding yourself back from right now because of your routine, and you have an idea that those around you are ‘used to’ a certain you? Eg wear an entirely different style of clothing, chop (or grow out) the hair, start hanging at a certain kind of place/event, join a certain club…?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I made a big move in my early 20s. I learned something about me. I had a chance to change stuff and people would never know the difference. I chose not to change too much. And the reason why is because I struggle with making core changes and most of the things I would change go down to my core personality. For example, I would love to be very, very social. I am an introvert. I even understand how I got to be an introvert. I like being an introvert, it suits me for [reasons]. I ended up deciding that social butterfly would never be me.
      Time has been kind. I am more extroverted than I have ever been. I still totally treasure my quiet time.

      It was disappointing at first, but it lead to more self-acceptance in the long run.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      I did this, moving from a giant urban sprawl to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. It was a 2 hour drive to the nearest highway. I finally embraced being an artist, and dove in to painting, photography, exploring, documenting. It was great. Everyone should be themselves; their friends and other details will sort themselves out. It’s never too late.

    3. Annie Mouse*

      When I moved to university I didn’t change much about myself but it was a chance to relax certain things about me. At school, I wasn’t the sort of person to skip class, I didn’t swear (seriously, the one time I did in a school play it was talked about by my class for days!), that sort of thing. Moving to university meant that noone knew that about me so if I did decide I wasn’t going in or a swear word popped out noone would care or I wanted to drink a bit . It was brilliant. I still didn’t skip many classes (only 1 in the first three years I think and that was a choice between statistics or a fry up breakfast, breakfast won!) and didn’t swear or drink much but it meant that I could relax a bit. That freedom’s also made it far easier to become who I am and want to be without people commenting on it in surprise because I’m not the same person I was when I was 14!

    4. Mimmy*

      If I were by myself and the area had good transportation, I’d probably be more willing to venture out and attend different workshops, concerts or events. Nowadays, I have in the back of my mind the knowledge that my husband would probably be wondering about me and if I’d get around safely and not get lost (that’ll be me in 3 weeks when I go see a soap opera actress in person at a comedy club an hour away).

    5. TootsNYC*

      When I went to college, I didn’t really change much about myself, but I suddenly discovered that people think my quirky, boisterous sense of humor is great to be around!

  106. Yetanotherjennifer*

    Physical Activity Open Thread!

    This is the place to post your weekly exercise and activity goals and cheer others on as they work to meet theirs. Did you have fitness goals last week? How did you do?

    I found a 2-part 14-week heart rate training program from a Norwegian university that is based on 4-4 interval training. (4 minutes high intensity, 3 minutes recovery, 4 repetitions) There are two days of heart rate training per week and another day of physical activity, plus simple exercises for strength building. I already walk once a week and I have a nice big hill nearby that I can use for the high intensity work, so I’m going to give it a try. I’ve ordered an inexpensive heart rate monitor and am considering just doing the easy level for a couple of weeks to get me past spring break travel. My goal for this week is to do the day one exercise on both Monday and Friday of next week.

    What are your physical activity goals for the week?

    2. nep*

      Oh that program sounds great. Thanks for sharing.
      No specific goals for the week, except just be consistent in working on my strength, mobility, and flexibility.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      To get back out on walks, providing the weather (which has been dismal) cooperates. I don’t have a problem with the cold but I have no wet weather gear. OMG it will not. stop. snowing.

    4. CatCat*

      I’m starting my second week of 5k training. On my off days, I do core and upper body, or stretching/gentle yoga depending on how my body is doing. Getting some 5 lb dumbbells this week, which is a step up from my 3 lb dumbbells.

    5. Wrench Turner*

      Before I buy a gym membership I need to get in to the habit of doing some AM exercise daily. Aiming for at least 30 Pushups, situps and squats, eventually I’d like to do 50 or even 100. I always have plenty of time to wake up before work, etc, but usually I’m just a zombie with my coffee and sites like AAM. Just getting started is the hardest.

    6. Natalie*

      Oh, I’m here for this! Exercise really fell away for me during a period of great stress, and I’m trying to get back into it because it’s really effective for mild to moderate depression. Plus being stronger/healthier. And third, I quit smoking about a month ago so I want to take advantage of that.

      Anyway, it’s snowing and unseasonably cold here, so my biking plans are on hold. Instead I looked up a bunch of core strengthening exercises that aren’t crunches (I always lead with my neck somehow) and have been doing those plus yoga. So far, so good.

  107. Mazzy*

    Why am I wasting time on AskReddit? I just had a stupid argument with someone about Spotify. My God. I brought up the limits of Spotify – lack of older music, cover songs instead of originals, or very limited music for artists who were very popular for long periods of time. You’d think I just made that up. He kept commenting on my original comment “just checked and literally every Madonna song is there.” OK, I just I just made it up that many songs were missing or that I tried to use it on a long road trip and found lots of albums missing for previously popular artists, because I like to start fights on the internet.

    Why do people feel the need to win such pointless debates online?

    1. Enough*

      And why do they always think that because they found one example that nullifies anything you said. Almost nothing is either never or always.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Almost every debate I see on the Internet devolves into some kind of version of “y tu madre tambien”. My take is that anonimity releases the animal within (as in real animal instincts; humans being social animals, the fight for the alpha position is *real* in the primitive parts of the brain); so, everything ugly, mean, hurtful is fair game.

    3. Abby D*

      I don’t know. Why did you feel the need to argue with him, then bring the topic to yet another Internet forum to seek validation? If you can figure out what motivated you, you can probably apply those reasons to many other people online.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Why do people feel the need to win such pointless debates online?

      It makes them feel superior in some way, I guess?

      I’ve found people tend change their convictions based on experience and (if they’re open to it) reading books, not through arguments with combative friends or strangers.

      There really isn’t a need to bring up the limits of Spotify. If Spotify doesn’t suit your needs, you do whatever you want (listen to another streaming service; listen to purchased digital music; listen to CDs, tapes, or records). If Spotify meets that person’s needs (and that person wants to believe every single Madonna song is in Spotify), whatever.

  108. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    3 more weeks to the wedding….
    For the past months, FI and I have planned and are exhausted. Past 3-4 weeks have involved fun double dates, but we just needed a pre-wedding quiet weekend—a staycation pre-weddingmoon? Lol.

    Last night at 10, a friend msged me about a Sunday brunch today, but I politely declined. It would’ve been so nice to see folks I haven’t seen for 2 months, but FI and I work overtime, are planning/paying our wedding on our own.

    Q: Have you ever said no to outings/brunches bc of a need to recharge one’s batteries? How do you balance self-care against FOMO?

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      I’m skipping a last minute invite to a wedding reception bc I am so exhausted from life. I hope I don’t regret it

    2. Wrench Turner*

      One of the best things I ever learned to do for myself was say “No.” Before long I stopped feeling guilty about it. Now I only go to the thing when I really honestly want to, or when I know my friends/family really needs help (moving, yard work, hiding a body, whatever).

      There are some good, lovely people in my life I just don’t see any more. Honestly? I don’t miss them. Good people, but how important was their contribution to my life if I was exhausted and only seeing them out of obligation? Now for the people I miss and want to see, I go out, and the quality of interaction is much, much better. I’ve stopped being afraid of missing out on the thing, and instead cherish the time I make with the people.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I never say no to invitations, even if I’m exhausted or not really in the mood. My social life is very feast-or-famine. It’s important to me to see my friends when I can, since in a few months I’ll inevitably go through a stretch when they’re not around.

  109. Nervous Accountant*

    reason #12381723 i don’t like to talk to people in public.

    at grocery store yesterday and a lady with two kids shouts ‘i cant wait til tax season is over!”

    im like….haha yes only 10 days to go! i’m a tax accountant too.

    she says ‘oh so how come you aren’t working today?”
    ‘i work sundays’

    ‘oh my husbands self employed and works 80-90hours a week. Must be nice to get a day off”

    So much smugness and one upping ugh.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Avoid people who shout out random statements to no one in particular? (Shaking my head… I feel bad for her kids, also.)
      Some folks are really strange. People like this person here, who thinks the world revolves around what they are doing, are folks who are struggling to get from one day to the next day. I tell myself that I do not struggle on that level, even though my struggles are important to me.

      My wise friend used to say we can tell a lot about a person’s health based on their worldview. A person who is focused mostly on themselves is a person in dire condition. Healthier people tend to be concerned about family, friends, community and even strangers on the street. My guess would be this woman has something going on, it could be a financial struggle or maybe she has a very ill family member. But something is making her feel that each day is a struggle. Eh, for me a husband that worked 90 hours a week would be pretty upsetting. I didn’t get married to be alone.

    3. StudentA*

      I mean, perhaps she wasn’t trying to one up you. She started her conversation with wishing tax season would be over. Maybe she is overwhelmed with having to shoulder all the responsibilities her husband can’t at this time of year.

      Even if she was an unhappy person (and I don’t know how we’d conclude that from the info you’ve provided), maybe making small talk for all of, what, two minutes, eases things up a bit? It’s the extrovert vs. introvert coming into play.

      Just thought I’d try to show you another way of looking at it.

    4. Lehigh*

      I loathe the phrase “Must be nice” with a deep loathing. It’s one of the nastiest, most negative phrases I’ve ever heard, in my experience usually said with a sneer of contempt for anyone who has anything nicer than the speaker’s own dismal life and fatalistic outlook.

      Others have MUCH nicer reframes, but I just wanted to say – I hear you, and it would have made me upset too!

      1. Triple Anon*

        Yeah. And I’ve noticed those are the same people who will look down on you when you appear to have it worse than they do. The ones who get condescending and treat you like your misfortune is the result of being somehow inferior to them. And then there’s the combination of the two! But I won’t go there; too negative.

        Anyway, some people just have issues. It must not be nice to be so unhappy that you feel the need to attack random strangers.

  110. Shrunken Hippo*

    I’ve been living with my parents for just over a year but I just finally got my room more set up. It feels so good to have a space of my own. Now I just need to work on getting the rest of my life on track.

  111. Little Bean*

    How do you deal with an aging parent who needs help? I didn’t think this was something I’d need to worry about this early – I’m in my mid-30s and my dad is in my early 70s. He’s had a few health issues over the years but always recovered. Now his wife is letting me know that he is getting worse and needs more help, like just checking in more often and being around to help with things in the house. My sister is about 2 hours away and I live nearby so I get that I should be the one to do this, and I’m totally fine with it. I think I’m just having trouble grappling with the idea that I am no longer the kid, that I need to start being the grown-up and taking care of the person who used to take care of me. Plus I’m not sure that he will LET me take care of him. I’m really scared of the day when someone has to take away his driver’s license or tell him he can’t live on his own anymore – I hope those days are still far, far away. My dad really values his independence and does not negotiate things, he will absolutely not be willing to have a reasonable conversation about it. He will just say no and get angry at anyone who continues to push him. To add some context, I come from a cultural background where kids should always obey their parents no matter what, especially the father. I don’t think I’ve ever argued with my dad about anything serious – if I disagree, I just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself.

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Welcome to my life! It’s a weird transition, and if you can, totally reasonable to talk to a therapist or join a support group. You’re not alone, and given his age, this is actually fairly normal timing. I’m younger, my dad is younger, and I’m in the same boat.

      “Help” can mean a lot of things. One thing I suggest is really paying attention to what it means. Sometimes it’s just physically – can’t read the receipe so isn’t cooking (losing weight). Difficulty with balance, so not cleaning/doing laundry/changing sheets, etc (dirty house, clothing, etc). That sort of thing can go downhill very quickly of course. But it could also be mentally – can’t tell what’s a scam (losing money). Can’t remember how to do things (thing not done, or done wrong). Not understanding doctor’s instructions for meds, or remembering to take them (not taking meds, taking wrong times/amounts, inconsistently). Etc. And this stuff doesn’t stay static! It can change very quickly sometimes.

      In terms of actually helping – depends on the individual. You tailor approaches to the person. It can be very helpful to get a respected authority involved – pastor, doctor, etc. Remember that you are still “a child”, as annoying as it is, he simply may not listen to you until someone else says the exact same thing. I deal with that too – been telling my mom she needs to get out and be more social for years, but it didn’t stick until the doctor said the same thing. You may also see if teaming up with your sibling can help. My sister gets different information from dad than anyone else. No idea why, but she always gets an early warning of things!

      Re your culture – if children don’t argue with fathers, then who does? How does this sort of thing get handled in that culture? Use that as inspiration, or at least methods to try.

      In terms of driving, if you’re in the US, every state has a process to evaluate and if necessary revoke driving licenses. Getting lost, poor decisions, etc are signs. If there’s accidents, that’s a flaming red sign. If the state DMV decides to take away the license, then license is gone. Can be handy if you can manage to blame the “nasty people at the DMV” or whatever, so you can be sympathetic and help work around the inconvenience.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My aunt and I used to talk about The Role Reversal, where the Kid becomes the Parent and the Parent becomes the Kid. It’s a thing.

      Enter slowly. Do little subtle things here and there. Don’t make a big production out of anything. Hold a door for him, help him carry something heavy, just these little things. Ask him how he is feeling when it makes sense to ask. Ask him how his doctor’s visit went the other day. Don’t push, but show concern. Consistent softness will gain you more ground than pushing. Just showing up is powerful stuff. So your dad’s wife is right about check-ins. But that can be as simple as, “Hey, dad, a really cool thing happened today and I can’t wait to tell you about it.” So you sit and talk about the Cool Thing, conversation moves to other things and gradually you find out how he has been doing over the last week or so.

      One tool I found helpful is picturing myself being old. Yeah, it would take a life changing event to make me consider leaving my house. I am not so sure that intervention and forced rehoming is a good answer. It strips them of their dignity in some ways.

      You can ask questions such as, “Gee, Dad, Problem X sounds really uncomfortable for you, what do you think you might like to do to help yourself here?”
      OR you could say something like, “Dad, Problem Y is a quality of life issue. What would you like to do to help yourself remain active?”
      Then listen to his answers. He may say “It’s not a big deal.” But he might mention it again later. So you say, “Gee, Dad, you have mentioned this before. What do you think would help you here?”

      Go inch by inch. Most plans work well for a while, then you need to build a new plan as aging sets in. Go with what will work well for this moment. Change later if need be.

    3. LCL*

      Make sure all jobs and tasks have a beginning and an end. I saw a second spouse basically ask and expect the closest grown child to be at her beck and call and spend his entire time visiting doing chores. It did not end well. He stopped visiting, and said if you need help phone me.

    4. Laura H*

      I’m handicapped- on the young side but i still face similar issues-and I’d recommend looking into something like Visiting Angels. When I was a senior in college, the person came once or twice a week and helped me shower and some other miscellaneous house tasks- it was helpful!!

      Not the best option but it’s another tool for the toolbox hopefully.

    5. Tipcat*

      A possible place to start is an evaluation from a home health agency. His doctor would have to authorize it and Medicare would cover some of the cost. (This works only if : you’re in the US; he sees a doctor regularly; the doctor knows about his increasing needs; he will cooperate.

      Been there. Jedi hugs.

    6. Kuododi*

      I am so sympathetic.. I have posted before about the issues with my mother who has TBI resulting in Alzheimer’s type dementia. Dad is still at home, reasonably healthy and doing what he can to keep her at home. Unfortunately she’s at the stage where she is convinced she’s fully functional but the reality is she hasn’t been able to manage basic household issues in years. (Dad does all the cooking, cleaning bill payment etc) Mom sits and watches TV. She can’t even focus well enough to put together a PB and J. When I am there to give Dad a break, I am usually able to attend to the necessary tasks around the house. Sometimes she starts trying to get involved in things beyond her current skills and I have to talk her off the ledge. :(. My sister and I have had many discussions about the struggles of “parenting” the parents. Y’all are in my heart.

  112. MechanicalPencil*

    I’m wanting to update my couch and have been looking at the Home Reserve site. The idea of building a small sectional is appealing to me. However I was wondering if anyone had any experience with them or any other recommendations?

  113. Hey, Blue Anne*

    Thinking about you today, we’d love to hear from you.

    Internet hugs,
    Belle di Vedremo

  114. I'm A Little TeaPot*

    I did not plan to replace the bathroom faucet this weekend, but since it’s decided it’s not going to work anymore (corrosion), I guess I am. Wish me luck.

  115. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    Whoops, I forgot I was gonna update you guys on my Move Saga! Last weekend I did no updates because last weekend was SCREAMING MOVESANITY. My folks came down from Michigan to help and lord help you if you try to stand between my mother and Things That Need Doing.

    Wednesday my apartment was maybe two-thirds packed (a very generous estimate) and I was just about beside myself with stress. Wednesday night was also when my folks arrived and when I got the keys to my new place.

    By Sunday night every single possession I own was out of the old place and into the new, I had several pieces of new furniture, a new TV, several pieces of OLD furniture no longer in my possession, the old apartment was not only empty but as clean as three people could conceivably make it, and to top it all off, I had a week’s worth of lunches from the leftovers my folks gave me, and we managed to make it to Easter church on top of it all. I’m still baffled at how it all happened. My mother is an absolute whirlwind of determination. If she tells a mountain to move, it not only moves its rocky butt, it apologizes for being in the way.

    I’m delighted to be on a bottom floor rather than a top floor; I made the happy discovery that either the floors here are EXTREMELY robust or I live under very quiet chill people. Probably both. The only thing left for me to do with the old place is get a professional cleaning done on the carpet since Dame Flufflepants left it rather dramatically colorful, and then hand in my keys and I’m OUTTIE.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you for expressing your mother’s unstoppable approach to problems in terms of the mountain not only hauling its rocky hindquarters but also apologizing for any inconveniences caused!

      Enjoy your new, orderly place.

  116. Anona*

    Having a hard time, feeling upset about my dog. I’ve had her just over a year, got her as a stray from the humane society. She’s maybe 8 or 9, but in increasing poor health. She has a terminal degenerative disease. When we got her, one of her back legs was wobbly, but she could run. Since then she’s degenerated a lot and can drag herself around on the rug and on the several carpets we got just for her. We got a wheelchair for her to use outside a few months ago. She’s been increasingly having trouble going to throw bathroom inside, which we think is disease related. We think she has maybe 6-18 mo left.

    But she’s a happy girl, loves her food, loves our other dog and loves us, especially me. Due to scheduling and an injury my husband has, I usually take her outside for bathroom time.

    I’m worried because there’s a stint of 2 weeks I’ll be away this summer, and a shorter stint of 3 days in May. I was away for yesterday, coming back today this weekend and apparently did ok yesterday, but today has been having a hard time, and so far hasn’t peed today.

    Logically I know we’ve given her a wonderful hospice/retirement life, and she’s been sooooo happy. It just breaks my heart to hear that she’s not doing well with me away, and fearful for how things will be this summer.

    I just love her so much.

    2. Knitter who lurks*

      I sympathize. I’ve had three dogs go through health declines. It never happens the same way twice and never gets easier, even when you logically understand the situation.

      I can understand your fears about traveling. I’ve had two dogs die while I was out of town and yes, I still feel guilty. Right now I’m abroad for research while current dog is at home with my spouse. When I knew I’d be gone, I started talking to our dog about it and telling her what would happen- she probably didn’t understand me at all but at least I felt better. Dog is doing fine.

      Since your spouse has an injury, it sounds like he will need some help while you are gone. What if you introduced this extra person into your dog’s life now so that she (your dog) can establish a bond? For example, this person could come by to take your dog for a walk (or handle the bathroom responsibilities) while you are home (maybe repeat this a few times), then another time you leave for an hour or two while dog sitter is there, and gradually lengthen the time. If finances are an issue, can you work out a trade with someone? or find someone who would be willing to pet sit for a reduced rate (or free)?

      Another thing that might help is if your spouse handles some of the feeding times. If you currently do 100% of dog care, this would help your dog understand that she’ll still get cared for while you’re gone.

      1. Anona*

        Thank you for this really kind reply. There is no good time for a dog that you love to die, and these are really helpful points.

  117. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

    Very mopey this weekend. Hubs left for Navy OCS, all communications cut this morning. Feeling very alone right now. House is very quiet and it’s driving me nuts. Ordering a pizza because I don’t want to cook. Angrily ordered the shelving units I always wanted for my craft room so I can angrily organize when I get past the weepy stage and into the crazy clean-the-whole-house phase.

    Just feeling very abandoned, which also feels very dumb to feel. Oi.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      I am sorry that you are facing DS’s absence—“enhanced” by the communication cutoff. Internet hugs, if you want them. Also sending sympathies for your feelings of loneliness, and respect for your self-awareness re how to help yourself cope.

      1. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

        I come from a very huggy family. I take hugs of all kinds! We moved away from our families on top of it – so they’re all about 4 hours away too.

        I did teach myself how to crochet this afternoon after my trail ride, so there’s that. Hubs is probably going to come back to find the whole house covered in yarn and plants and horsehair.

          1. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

            I loooove dogs! I’m frustrated that my work schedule plus the landlord doesn’t allow doggos. I think it’d help my loneliness a lot to have some other living breathing fluffy cuddly thing with me. Apparently too I am not technically supposed to bring my horse to my backyard to live with me. *sigh*

        2. ..Kat..*

          Can you get together with others who have spouses in OCS? If you are living on or near a base, there are often groups of spouses who get together for support and friendship.

          And, hugs!

          1. Environmental Gone Public Health Gone Back Environmental*

            Right now, since his orders were unaccompanied and we were married way before he decided to be military (tbh I always suspected he would), I’m not really geographically close to, well, anyone. There’s a Facebook group for his OCS class that I volunteered to help admin in hopes that at least I’ll talk to people. I think there’s a Navy office about 45 minutes away from me where Hubs signed all his paperwork? But that’s all admin, not a base. I wish I was closer to an actual base, because at least it’d give me a destination to go and awkwardly poke around until I find someone as awkward as me to befriend.

  118. Do I even touch this one?*

    My mom is aging. She’s not old; she turned 60 this year. However, she is definitely more into the “grandma” lifestyle than the “full time working woman” lifestyle that some 60 year old women still have. Mom works part-time ish, collects alimony, and does a lot of car travel to visit out of state family. She “winters” in warm locations.

    My siblings and I are all 28-35, and I’m the only one with kids for whom she generously offers to drive over (about 3 hours) and babysit/entertain/visit fairly regularly. She’s not our childcare, but she’ll do things like come up for a few days if DH or I are going on a business trip to help out.

    She has started to get some health problems (melanoma, now in remission, some foot issues requiring surgery and a 10 week recovery, sinus surgery, that sort of thing), she’s also gained a lot of weight over the past 5 years. She lives alone and has for the past 10 or so years. She has a social life and dates occasionally but no partner/serious relationship.

    All of that was potentially relevent context to the fact that she seems to have begun to shower/bathe less than she should. She smells like, well, “old person.” Which is to say probably relatively clean, but several days of built up unshowered-ness. She will visit for 3-4 days and shower only once. There are absolutely people that can do this, but she doesn’t seem to be one of them. My in-laws, in contrast, are much older (70,78) and shower daily or every other day with extensive nonshower cleaning on the off day.

    How, if at all, do I say anything? My kids notice. It’s a matter of months before someone says something offensive. I don’t know if my siblings have noticed this, but it’s definately not just when she comes to see us. We’ll see her on other occasions- her place or somewhere neutral- and it’s the same thing. I’m sure she has just found it more efficient to skip a shower here or there, but it definately isn’t working for her.

    Or…do we just say nothing. I feel like she needs to know, but I have NO IDEA how to approach it.

    1. OldMom*

      Wow, from the description, you could be my daughter, except that you have siblings. I have slipped into this lifestyle lately too. I live alone and I’m not going out as much, and with getting older my skin and hair have gotten much drier, especially this winter. So I can go 3-4 days between showers when I used to be more of a daily or at most 36 hours between showerer. I would want to know if I were emitting detectable odors. Depending on your relationship and conversational style, I suggest just mentioning the next time you notice, when she has time to take care of it. Perhaps in the morning while you’re arranging shower schedule for the day. “I’m planning to tie up the bathroom at 10:30 so I’ll be ready to go out to lunch at noon. Mom, you want in before or after? You don’t want to go out with that morning funk, right?” Or, maybe a nudge from a person small enough to get away with the “mouths of babes” thing …. “grandma, what’s that smell?” Or more subtly perhaps a spa visit and a conversation about “have you found any new products to use? I notice that you’re dryer than you used to be/using more lotion” or whatever you have noticed along those lines. Or get the stylist or skin care person to mention something. For me a straight up “mom you’re funky you need to shower more often” would work. I’d be briefly taken aback in the moment but I’d fix it quick.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, I am pushing 60 also. I skip showers if I am not going anywhere. I don’t go three days but still.

        Definitely say something. “Mom, I am thinking you would rather hear it from me in a private moment than have one of the kids mention it in a group setting. Very old people can shower twice a week and be fine. You are not a very old people and you kind of not fine either. You need to shower more often, perhaps every other day.”

        Also watch the clothes. She probably could change clothes more often too and that would help.

        1. Do I even touch this one?*

          I have tried the subtle “do you want the shower before or after” and gotten responses like “I’m just going to get dressed” or “Go ahead, I’ll shower later”- clear indicators that it’s a conscious decision not to shower.

          She does change clothes daily- she’s not spending days in the same loungewear.

          It’s kind of a mix of dirty hair and other. She’s decided to keep her hair long, and it requires a lot of work to wash, dry, and style. Years ago she spent, idk, 45 min+ or did it at night. And now she just doesn’t. A lower maintenance haircut is a non-starter as for some reason has a lot of self-image tied up in her hair (versus me, who has the lowest maintence style hair humanly possible).

          1. TL -*

            If she says “I’m just going to get dressed,” you can always respond with, “Mom, I love you but it’s shower time. I can wait until you’re ready.”

          2. silence*

            If her hair is the main stumbling block would offering her dry shampoo and shower caps(so she can wash the rest of her without getting her hair wet) work?

    2. StudentA*

      I would talk to her about it. I’d go to a cafe or somewhere else relaxed and have some mother-daughter time. I would definitely not do it with anyone else in the house, or in the house at all, if possible.

      Then I would delicately bring it up. Perhaps something like: “Mom, I want to talk to you about something rather sensitive. I hope you can forgive the delicacy of the situation. I’ve noticed you don’t shower daily like you used to. Thing is, my nose can tell. I know it’s hard for us to recognize our own body odor at times, so I thought it’d be best I bring it to your attention.” The rest is really up to her.

      By the way, I am not sure I agree that some people can get away with not showering every day or close to it. I know many people think they can, though. I just think human bodies are meant to excrete odor. Not to mention the collection of germs that showering would curtail. It could be because I have a very sensitive nose!

    3. Intel Analyst Shell*

      I do think you should bring it up. How you bring it up depends entirely on her and your relationship though. My mom (mid-50s) went to visit her mom (early-80s), walked in to her new apartment and immediately caught a strong whiff of dog pee. She called my grandma out on it, she admitted it was her “dog’s chair”, mom told her to not let it get that bad again then took her Wal-mart to buy some good upholstery cleaner and rent a cleaner. My grandma took no offense to it because that’s the relationship they have, but I know plenty of people who would become very angry or very hurt.

      Could she be avoiding bathing due to fear of falling in the shower? Could you offer to help make it safer? Install extra hand rails, get her nice seat, etc.

      1. Do I even touch this one?*

        If the problem were at my home only, that would make sense (except, actually, we have a really good setup in the guest bathroom! Walk in shower with towel bars that work like hand rails! Built so we could easily hose off dogs but with an added bonus of hosing off dirty children and easily accommodating aging parents!). But it’s apparently at her home as well.

    4. Laura H*

      I’m sorta in the same boat as your mom in regards to frequency of showering… I think that’s because my hair is the gauge of when I need to shower- if left to my own devices anyway; my schedule makes showers more frequent. My hair is longer than I’ve had it in over a decade so it’s not a useful gauge anymore.

      Honestly it varies and I’ve never developed the discipline to shower at regular predetermined intervals.

      But when someone mentions it, after I inwardly kick myself, I change for a few weeks. And then I’m back to the old habits.

      Ask her why she doesn’t shower as frequently…

      I share a bathroom and I don’t like showering right after another person- wet floor before I’m in there? No thanks.

      I don’t shower at night close to bedtime because I don’t like wet pillow cases.

      I won’t shower on cold mornings when I have work, unless I have time to make sure my hair is dry.

      Unless absolutely necessary-and that term is not binding in any means- all it takes is a “floor is dry, Ive got time, and I’ll feel better” to change a “wasn’t gonna” to a “hopping in”

      Bring it up, ask why, and be prepared to bring it up again if/ when regression into the old habits happen.

      Good luck.

  119. parents*

    Late but I’m having such a hard time with how unhappy my mother is and how unable she is to take care of herself in terms of her relationship in particular. She remarried a few years after my father’s death and this guy is a selfish jerk (I never liked the way he treated her), and she’s unable to set any boundaries because she’s never been able to do that but I think my father was nicer/more depressed and passive so I think it went over better. She doesn’t believe in therapy so that suggestion didn’t go over well. Someone above commented on the drama of her estranged family and my goodness I am so glad I’ve learned to mostly hang out with people who actually treat me well, not just say they do or say they love me but treat me like crap. It’s painful.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Would she read a boundaries book if you gave it to her or borrowed one from the library?

  120. Housing Market*

    How do you know if it’s the right time to buy a house? I live in one of the most expensive cities in the US. I’m in my mid twenties and am in a position to buy a house (FHA loan), but I keep hearing that we’re near another real estate market crash. I don’t want to buy a house now only to have the market crash in 2 years, but, then again, what if it doesn’t and housing prices only continue to increase? I feel like I am throwing money away by renting at the moment. How do you know if it’s the right time?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      If you’re looking to buy for a short-term investment, I would definitely not buy now, but if you’re in it for the long haul (you see yourself living in your city for the next 20-30 years) and can afford something with an FHA loan, go ahead and buy. There will be a crash at some point, sure. In the long run, your house will still be worth more than you paid for it (and likely the value will increase far faster than inflation, if you’re in one of those in-demand cities).

    2. Enough*

      You buy a house because you want that lifestyle and you can afford it. The house you live in should never be classified as an investment. My sister had neighbors for awhile who got stuck for awhile because they looked at each house as a step to the next house and real estate had a downturn for awhile. On the other hand my siblings and I bought houses we could live in for years and raise families in. Still own them 22 to 35 years later.

  121. Sylvan*

    lol Alison, I’m sorry for my comment that just got caught in the filter in the cereal fight thread. I won’t be mad if you just leave it there.

  122. Laura H*

    Sending good vibes to y’all this week!

    Finishing taxes, prepping laundry, and giddiness over some pleasant news from that which isn’t mentioned on weekends are what’s on my plate this week!

    Go get em AAM Peeps!! Have a great week.

  123. Fabulous*

    Probably too late for this, but how often does Captain Awkward update her blog? I jumped over there last week since it was linked and it appears she hasn’t updated since the 4th? What’s her schedule?

    1. PX*

      Much less frequent than AAM for sure! It seems to be maybe once a week but I dont think there’s a rigid schedule tbh.

  124. Embarrassed*

    I know this is late and maybe no one will read but I need some anonymous advice. My sister was showing some pics on her tv that save automatically from her phone. Well there was a picture that she probably forgot about that she really would not have wanted the family to see. No one else said anything and she didn’t seem to notice as she was scrolling through.
    So should I say something to her about checking the pics before putting them on the tv? I can imagine she will be mortified if I say something but I kind of feel like I’d want someone to tell me. I thought about sending a text saying maybe it wasn’t what I thought but it looked like you had a Richard pic on there and maybe be careful in the future. And also we will never speak of this again.
    What would you want someone to do in this situation?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You could draw it back on yourself: “Sis, I am not sure but that looked like a Richard Pic in with the rest of your pictures. I may have glanced at it too fast. But you know, if I had a private pic get away from me, I would hope you would tell me in a private conversation.”

  125. StudentA*

    If you’re still reading this: I would really want my sister to bring this to my attention. Yikes.

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