my dad is dating my boss, and they want me to go to couples therapy with them

by Alison Green on May 9, 2018

A reader writes:

My dad started dating this woman (Jill) about two years ago, after he and my stepmom amicably divorced. As this was going on, I graduated from grad school, ended my student internship, and started looking for jobs. In six months, I applied to 275 jobs and didn’t get a single interview. I was desperate for work when my dad said Jill needed a new executive assistant. Jill is the chair of a nonprofit, and the job came with a good salary and a lot new responsibilities. I had an interview and was offered the job right away.

Immediately, things were much worse than I expected:

• She tells me when to start working either late at night or in the morning. My hours aren’t terribly long, but it is impossible to schedule anything since I don’t know my schedule in advance, and my health and self-care have taken a beating. I don’t have set hours, so she calls and texts at any time, and I never know when I’m done for the day.

• One of my main roles is to work on her book, a memoir about the struggles of being a minority and a woman. My dad, a white man, is writing the entire thing secretly; she hasn’t told her publisher that a ghostwriter is involved, and he is getting no compensation or recognition as she goes around telling everyone that she’s the only woman of this ethnic group to write a book on the subject.

• When I ask clarifying questions, she belittles me (“That’s common sense” or “You know as much as I do”).

• She’s rude and cruel to me in front of others at meetings, events, and on conference calls. Once when I said the way she was talking to me was making me flustered, she yelled that this is how she manages people, that I perceive things the wrong way, and that it’s a problem with me.

• She is always coming up with elaborate rumors about our out-of-state staff. She often says that her former assistant had brain damage; her reasoning was that she was born premature and therefore must have brain damage and be “mentally handicapped.” So-and-so is obese because her kid died and now she’s too emotionally unstable to work. So-and-so must be crazy because he chose to serve on a submarine while in the Navy.

• She doesn’t do anything herself because she doesn’t know how to use Word. She makes me come to her house to print things because she doesn’t want to open them on her computer. I write columns under her name, and then we go through upwards of six drafts as she makes minuscule tweaks, forgets she made those tweaks, and changes them back to the original, all while criticizing me for not making any sense.

• She volunteered to watch her infant granddaughter twice a week, but she started leaving the baby with me while she goes to her law office. I don’t get paid extra for this; she says that would be unfair to the organization.

We go through cycles where I think everything is fine, and then I get yelled at about something small that I didn’t realize was an issue. Every time there’s some sort of problem, I try to change what I do, only to have a new problem spring up that was never an issue before. My job has become one big game of whack-a-mole that I’m being forced to play when I really just want to focus on the mountain of tasks I’ve been assigned. She wants me to be just a personal assistant, but the job responsibilities I have are a lot bigger than that (helping to plan large events and writing for our publications), and tending to her has become a distraction from my work, which I know bothers her. I try to be polite and helpful, but I have so much stuff to do that it’s hard to remind her to respond to emails, especially when usually she snaps that I should know how to respond myself, even when she needs to review things to give the final okay.

She’s also always brought my dad into things. When I first started, she’d say she cared more about me being her assistant than dating my dad, and that if she needed to devote more time to making our work relationship better, she’d end things with my dad. I was constantly terrified of doing something that would make her dump my father. In the months since, my dad has moved in, and they started seeing a couples counselor (Jill constantly threatens to end their relationship).

Last week, I forgot to do something, she reminded me, and I quickly did the task. Hours later at 11 p.m., she accused me of not doing it and started sending me long, mean texts saying, “This is becoming a problem with you,” etc. When I said I had done the task, she said she shouldn’t have had to remind me. I thought I’d just ride the storm out. Everything I said was met with a different criticism, I wasn’t sure what to do, it was late, and this wasn’t productive, so I didn’t respond to her last text (which hadn’t asked anything of me). Soon after, my dad called to say that Jill had yelled at him for half an hour about distracting me from my work. The next day, they went on a weeklong vacation to Mexico, where she had sporadic internet access. She barely emailed me the entire time, leaving me to work on her book.

Yesterday, my father started giving me job advice: morning check-ins and updates with Jill, etc. — things I do every day and have been doing for the past 10 months. Then he said, “Would you be open to seeing our family therapist with us to help with your job?” I told him there was no way I was going to do that. I was really upset afterwards that he would try to put me in that position where they would gang up on me in their therapist’s office, especially when he knows I’ve started seeking out other jobs.

This morning, she told me to come over at 8:30 a.m. When I got there, she and my dad sat opposite me and spent 45 minutes scolding me, citing “complaints” by the out-of-state employees with whom I have great relationships and get along very well. Then she said that the only solution she can think of to deal with my communication problems is for me to join her and my father at their couples therapist. She said I hadn’t forgotten to do the task from the week before and that it was a deeper issue. I was literally cornered in her living room, and I could see from my heart rate monitor that I was at 115 bpm, frantically trying not to hyperventilate. When I said I thought it was inappropriate to go see a therapist with my boss and my dad, she said she would write it into my job requirement or put me on probation. She’s given me two days to agree to therapy or write a list of all the reasons I won’t go with them and what I’ll do to change my behavior. I seriously suspect she has narcissistic personality disorder, and I know from experience that she doesn’t respond well when I try to explain myself or disagree with her.

I’ve been depressed for months, but I’ve reached a new level of desperation. I would work anywhere else — I would do anything else. I’ve been applying to jobs for a couple weeks now, and I would be thrilled to wait tables while continuing my job hunt. My mom says that I won’t be able to get a good job if I’ve quit a job after less than a year and start doing something that isn’t on a larger career path, but all of my friends my age say that my health is more important. I feel so confused, gaslighted, abused — and then I feel like maybe I’m just being a millenial and don’t have what it takes to be successful. Am I just a bad employee? I probably don’t have the best personality for a personal assistant, but I try to work hard, keep organized and professional, and board members go out of their way to compliment me when we’re at meetings and events. Since getting this job, I never complained to my father about his girlfriend or brought her up, but Jill is constantly blurring the boundaries by asking about extremely personal things during work and bringing up work when we’re celebrating holidays and birthdays.

I am miserable and feel so trapped and confused. Is all this normal?! I have so many mixed signals about every aspect of my job, and this situation is taking over my life. What do I do when I have to give my answer to the ultimatum?

Let me say this very, very clearly: Jill and your dad are the problems here, not you.

This is a horrible, toxic, dysfunctional brew of a work situation, and not because of you.

Jill is a terrible boss, has wildly unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of you, is asking you to do things far outside the scope of what is okay to ask, and is behaving like an asshole. More specifically:

It’s not okay to give someone no set hours and just expect them to start working late at night or early in the morning with no notice, and then get angry if they’re not responsive.

It’s not okay to belittle anyone, and particularly not okay to belittle people one has power over.

It’s not okay to expect you to regularly babysit an infant — without pay! — as part of an office job and without your enthusiastic consent.

Her propensity to lie and gossip unkindly about people who work for her — and about their hardships, in particular — is, frankly, disgusting.

And it is insanely inappropriate for Jill and your dad to ask you to attend couples counseling. Insanely. And that’s before we even get into Jill’s ludicrous threat to make it a job requirement or put you on probation over it. This is liver boss / chemo boss / leave-a-work-note-at-a-grave boss level of insanity and inappropriateness.

On top of all that, Jill also sounds incompetent … and it says something that that’s the least of the problems here.

As for the immediate problem of the therapy ultimatum … If the organization has 15+ employees, it’s covered by the ADA, and thus Jill probably can’t legally order you to attend therapy. But she sounds horrible enough that she might not care if you point out that it’s illegal. If the organization is smaller than 15 people and/or she doesn’t care about the law, then try saying this to her: “If there are issues with my work performance, let’s discuss those. But I’m not attending therapy with you or my father. That’s inappropriate for a work relationship, and it’s not something I’m going to do.” If she pushes, say, “This isn’t something I’m going to continue to discuss.”

More importantly, though: please please please take any other job you can get right now so that you can quit this one.

This situation is bad enough that it might even make sense to quit now, without another job lined up, if you can afford to. But if you can’t — and there’s no shame in it if you can’t — then for whatever remaining period of time you’re stuck there, make a point of emotionally disengaging from the work. Go through the motions and do the bare minimum you need to do to keep a paycheck coming in, but don’t emotionally invest in the work or Jill’s expectations or Jill’s feedback.

Tell her you’re not longer available for babysitting, too. Use the words “I’m not comfortable being left in charge of an infant and will no longer be able to watch her for you. I need to stick to the work I was hired to do.”

And please know that your mom is wrong that you won’t be able to get a good job if you quit this one. One seven-month stay will not be a big deal. It’s a pattern of short-term stays that’s a problem, not one of them. And if interviewers ask why you left this job, you can say, “My boss started dating my father, and it became too awkward to stay there.” Believe me, everyone will understand that. You will receive sympathy gasps.

Last, no matter what else you do, stop being terrified that you’ll do something that will make Jill dump your dad. Frankly, it might be a better outcome for everyone if she does because she is horrid — but either way, their relationship is not your responsibility. It never was, but your dad forfeited burned to ashes any claim to consideration in that realm when he became an accessory to Jill’s mistreatment of you.

Read updates to this letter here and here.

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{ 1,281 comments }

{ 1,281 comments… read them below }

    1. Sylvan*

      Also, is this, like, the plot of a book or movie? I’m having trouble taking it all in.

      1. Amber Rose*

        It feels like the opening set up to one of those psychological thrillers where everything seems off somehow and an increasingly odd woman eventually goes on a killing spree or something.

        OP, if you’re reading this, any time you’re in a situation which would reasonably slot into a psychological horror/thriller, the problem is not you.

        1. babblemouth*

          It even has an evil stepmother making her stepdaughter work insane hours and mocking her. This is what Cinderella would sound like if it was a modern fairytale.

          3. RVA Cat*

            Oh yes! OP, mentally file away all of Wicked StepBoss’s outrageous behavior for your modern adaptation of Cinderella.

            1. JessaB*

              Forget finding a new job OP, now is the time to write the Cinderella remake version of The Devil Wears Prada, get a helluva movie deal, get some famous actress to play you and make a million bucks (pounds, euros, dinars, wherever you are, whatever currency floats your boat.)

              1. jo*

                Seriously! The OP is already writing things for publication under Jill’s byline! OP, go wait tables and write your memoirs of this experience. It’ll be therapeutic at the very least.

                But whatever you do, QUIT QUIT QUIT.

                1. Annonymouse*

                  B an an as!
                  Seriously though, OP YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

                  She is just all round bad. Bad at her job, bad at her hobby of writing, bad as a boss, grandmother and romantic partner. Also a bad person.

                  Your instincts to get a job then continue searching are good. Just make sure you aren’t going to put yourself in another bad position by not doing due diligence checks.

              3. Where do y'all get those wonderful usernames*

                I strongly agree with JessaB. Make mega-bucks off this experience, because you sure deserve it after what you’ve been going through here!

                In addition to the legalities that Alison mentioned (being required to attend therapy), I am also wondering about the legality of not giving someone set hours. How can you plan anything-including getting adequate rest-if you never know when you’ll be expected to work? Also, how can “boss” require OP to perform childcare? Aren’t there certain requirements that an employee has to meet in order to do this? And was this duty outlined in OP’s job description?

                1. RVA Cat*

                  Plus not having set hours also sounds like a setup for wage theft. Is there any kind of clocking system?

        2. Kelly AF*

          Maybe she can turn this into a book one day? I hope there’s some upside from this toxic swamp, anyway.

        4. Specialk9*

          It sounds scarily reminiscent of my abusive first marriage. Being abusive + threatening to leave as punishment + apparent chaos + them always getting their way + constant degrading.

          OP, read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That” – it’s written by a court-ordered abuser therapy facilitator. (Bc the courts have had a problem recognizing that women can be abusive, it’s written assuming the abuser is male — but the quality of the book is good enough to still be worth reading… I never found another that laid it all out so well).

          Your not-stepmom / boss is abusive. You can’t fix this or improve it, all you can do is find another job (temp agencies are a great option) and start putting some serious distance between you and your dad.

          When you have a new job, look into therapy, there is a lot that needs to be detangled, and they can help you sort through some of the messed up rules you’ve been raised with and internalized. We all have stuff like this, and it can be so freeing and liberating.

          1. MM*

            As I recall, he actually addressed at the start of the book that abuse can occur in lots of gender configurations, but because the majority of cases are of a man abusing a woman, he’s written it with that language. It’s less about the courts failing to recognize other possibilities than his making a choice to simplify his writing at the start, one he acknowledges. At least, that’s how I remember it. Regardless, I’d definitely classify Bancroft as infinitely more insightful about and sympathetic to the phenomenon of abuse than “the courts” as a whole generally are.

            3. A*

              He kind of at one point flat out stated something along the lines that in heterosexual couples it’s almost always gotta be the man. I thought that was a bit off, because the book wasn’t just about physical abuse; from what I can gather yes abusive men are more likely to do grievous physical harm than abusive women, but I think both genders are quite (equally?) capable of emotional abuse. I found the book very good except that one particular bit (and it was honestly only like a paragraph out of the whole thing).
              He does get into that abusers can be very good at claiming victimhood and coopting therapy language so ultimately if there’s some sort of question one really has to try to get verification from both sides AND externally if possible.
              In the LW’s letter, I really wonder what kind of therapist would allow the kind of suggestion StepBoss is suggesting. Isn’t it a therapist’s job to say something like “hmm, I don’t think that’s an appropriate thing to ask of your employee; what do you think are some other ways to build a more constructive working relationship?” etc etc

    2. Former Border's Refugee*

      It’s probably the same face I made.

      I think it’s frozen like this.

      RUN.

      1. And So it Goes*

        I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Get out now, this minute if you can. Do day labor, work for a cleaning company, landscapers, start your own house cleaning service, wait tables, go to Walmart, fast food, these are all options to generate immediate cash. Don’t discuss your previous employment with anyone, don’t re-pattern the synapses. Start anew.

        Walk away from this horrid environment as quickly as you can, just call up and quit and if your Father doesn’t support you emotionally shame on him. No one should be treated the way you are being treated. I wish you well.

    4. Erica the Red*

      I would be willing to donate some money towards the cause of having Allison help with your resume.

      Is that something we can make happen somehow?

      1. Old Admin*

        Excellent thought. I’m in, too.
        Allison, let us know (you can see our email addresses) if we can contribute to a resume review/fix for the OP. It would be a kindness.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Also, if OP is in the Pittsburgh area, please feel free to pass along my email address and I will be happy to help connect her with some additional job resources.

          1. socrescentfresh*

            Ditto Seattle. There are many entry-level positions being created at my organization.

            3. goddessoftransitory*

              Join me at my job taking pizza orders, OP! This company has it all over that insanity.

          2. CS Rep By Day, Writer By Night*

            If OP is in the Milwaukee area, my company has all kinds of entry level openings.

            1. Your Weird Uncle*

              Madison WI checking in – I can help with job openings at the university here!

              1. Alleira*

                Hey, neighbor! Also in Madison (but sadly no entry-level positions open at my company).

            2. Jersey's Mom*

              Also in Milwaukee WI area. OP, feel free to contact Alison for my email address. My company has entry level openings.

            3. Sakura*

              CS rep, Jersey’s Mom, Your Weird Uncle, etc – I’m a burnt out teacher in the Chicago area looking to move back to my family in Wisconsin. I’d really appreciate any help in just pointing me to companies that might be hiring, if anyone is willing.

              1. Your Weird Uncle*

                Hi Sakura – I work at the UW and if you’re good at admin or good with numbers, I’d recommend checking out the UW jobs website! It’s notoriously said that it’s hard to get into the UW but once you’re in, you’re set – and the benefits are fantastic. (I took a salary on the lower end for my role but once I was there for a couple of years had no problem moving into a better paying role in another department….there is always something available!)

                Other than the UW, I don’t know of any companies that would be hiring. Maybe someone else here has a good recommendation. Good luck! :)

              2. WI badger*

                We Energies, the electric/gas company, is usually looking to fill customer service positions and meter reader positions. Once you get in, there are possibilities for lateral and upward transfers. If you decide to apply, remember this in all your interviews (and I’m not kidding) you are there to provide customer service, and ensure customer satisfaction. The pay and benefits are very competitive.

            1. General Ginger*

              Countess, I may be relocating to the area later this year; would you mind sharing what industry you’re in?

              1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

                Finance! Look to the north/northwest of the city for a lot to do work-wise that misses the clusterf**k that is the Inner Harbor.

            2. You're Not My Supervisor*

              Also in Bmore! Hi neighbor. Didn’t know there were any regulars who were in my area. :)

          4. Sabine the Very Mean*

            Yep, Phoenix too. Think of how much you’d want to get away from them in order to move to the surface of the sun!

            1. libraryfrog*

              Aw, c’mon it’s a dry heat (says someone who moved to PHX from Madison, WI :) ) <3

              1. Anonymoose*

                That’s a load of crap (dry heat). I lived in Vegas for 8 months and the quality of the heat was like being buried alive in one of those underground luau BBQs. I’d take muggy ANY day.

                1. Optimistic Prime*

                  A hangi?

                  Yeah, normally I hate humidity, but the dry heat in Vegas and other truly dry places is quite possibly much worse.

            2. Mananana*

              Coming to you from Phoenix as well. No entry-level jobs, but I do have training in how to do federal government (US) resumes and would be happy to help.

          5. Hills to Die on*

            I am in Wyoming but also have professional connections in Denver, Phoenix and St. Louis. Happy to help in any way.

            1. Hills to Die on*

              Also, Jackson Hole has a serious labor shortage and I guarantee–absolutely guarantee–you can get a job here same day. It’s that bad. You can stay for the summer and leave or just stay. But we are dying for people and have free transportation anywhere in town. You can get a job in a hot second in the most beautiful place in the world. (Just my opinion).

              1. The Original K.*

                Hell, this is appealing to ME. Completely serious. I’m in the thick of interviews but often think that getting away for a few months would do me some good. Would welcome details.

                1. Hills to Die on*

                  Original K, I will send Alison my email address to share. Check out the Jackson Hole Daily for job openings–there are literally hundreds. Businesses often have to reduce the hours they are open not because of the lack of customers but because they can’t find enough workers to cover the shifts. There’s a bus that goes from the less-expensive surrounding areas through a storybook-beautiful canyon where I see everything from Amercian Bald Eagles to Moose every day. The less expensive areas–and I live in one–is just as gorgeous as JH but very affordable! Mountains, rivers, lakes, etc. We have it all in spades.

              2. MissGirl*

                Not to mention a lot of the summer work comes with housing. I’m afraid the OP lives with one of her parents, making her more stuck. I could see this being such a good thing for the OP. Get out of the family dysfunction and into a completely different environment.

                1. Hills to Die on*

                  Yes–housing subsidies and ‘powder clauses’ in the winter when you have a perfect snowfall and need to ski immediately. Those are both very common.

              3. SubjectAvocado*

                I’m from Wyoming, and can attest that it’s a great place to live and work. Jackson is BEAUTIFUL, albeit expensive. The rest of the state is pretty cheap to live in, so if you would like being somewhere really calm, Wyoming is definitely the place for you to recover from such an awful experience.

                1. Hills to Die on*

                  And speaking as someone who recovered from an awful job last year, I came here to heal really feel at peace. It’s impossible not to!

                  Yes, Jackson is expensive but you can takae the bus to and from neighboring areas that are very reasonable.

              4. Xyz 286*

                This sounds wonderful! If you have any leads or suggestions of places to look I would appreciate it.

              5. WakeRed*

                OP, summer jobs in Jackson are the best! If you have a way to get yourself to Jackson Hole or really any national park area, I’m sure you can find a seasonal job to at least float y ou for the summer. I did this in my early 20s about a decade ago, between undergrad and grad school, and it changed my life in small but meaningful ways that still reverberate in the best ways.

          6. Jadelyn*

            My org has locations all throughout California and in Chicago and Florida as well – and I’m happy to nudge a resume forward if OP is near any of our locations.

            1. Lorelai Gilmore*

              I’ve got connections in Montana and Idaho. Some in Northern CA too. Oh, also just heard of something in South Carolina! Let us know, OP!

              1. TardyTardis*

                South central Oregon–jobs are all around in *this* smallish town. You, too, can be customer service for a cell phone place. I also know three fast food places that would take *me* on about two hours’ notice, and I’m old!

              1. Just J*

                State College, PA here.

                As others suggested below, if you are in PA, have you checked Penn State’s website for jobs?
                https://psu.jobs/

                This covers everything from staff assistants to professors to anything! It covers both main campus and all of the branch campuses.

                1. Sans*

                  Another Delco girl here. What field is the OP in? I could look on my company’s website. And I agree, get s server job. Anything. Just get out!

          10. Aiani*

            Also OP let me recommend looking into a security job if you want to move on right away. It’s not glamorous but security is almost always hiring and it would get you out of your current situation. You could try Allied Universal, Securitas, US Security, etc. assuming you are in the US.

          11. Aphrodite*

            If the OP is in California, I urge her to look at the California State University (CSU) and the University of California (UC) systems. It can be hard to get in–at least at the UC campuses many of the jobs already are “taken”–but at least at UCSB (Santa Barbara) they advertise part-time jobs on CraigsList. These are the way to get your foot in the door for a permanent position. Also, wherever you are call the temp agencies in your area and ask if they supply temp personnel for the city and/or county. That’s a way in to those jobs. (And they sometimes advertise on CL too.)

            1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

              Agreed! UC is always hiring temps, and it can be a way into a more permanent pool (UC also keeps its own in-house temp pool). Honestly, working for demanding professors with scant managerial skills cannot be as bad as OP’s current situation.

          13. Amanda*

            I am 40 minutes north of Boston. Big company always hiring. Be in touch if you are near Cape Ann, Southern NH or Boston. Good luck!

            BTW, Alison’s resume advice is magic. A few years ago she reviewed my resume and after editing it based on her suggestions I went from getting almost zero interviews to getting hits on approximately half the jobs I applied for.

            2. Val*

              Not OP, but I am in the Boston area and considering a job switch. I hope I’m not terribly overstepping, but if you’d be willing to share more details about what type of workers your company hires for, I’d love to know!

            3. quwarren*

              I am north of Boston as well and I know there are many support staff openings in the financial/investment field in Boston proper – I work for one of them in marketing. For instance, we need a senior admin like, yesterday.

            5. NotThatGardner*

              boston area here, quite a few entry level openings in my corporate retail industry office and happy to help!

            6. Polaris*

              Boston area here as well, my work often has openings, and I’ve also worked with several employment agencies that I can highly recommend!

          14. KR*

            Charlotte area – my employer is based there and frequently hiring for entry level positions! Comment and we can connect.

            1. Jules the 3rd*

              NC’s got great weather! Charlotte’s got jobs, the Triangle’s got jobs, and Wake Co has great schools.

              1. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

                I am in Durham/Chapel Hill and would be happy to help!

                1. Lady Register*

                  Seconding the Triangle! Great healthcare jobs here and the cost of living is low.

            2. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

              NC here too! Charlotte specifically, but my employer hires all across the state. Lots of entry-level positions.

            1. IvyGirl*

              Philly here. Mine and other universities and colleges always hiring.

              AAM – should we have an open employment post on one of the Friday/Weekend threads?

              1. Emily*

                And I’m wondering if we could start organizing get-togethers! I’m on your campus…

                1. History Chick*

                  Philly here as well. AAM get togethers would be amazing. I second this idea!

                2. IvyGirl*

                  It’s a busy weekend for us Development folks. :-)

                  I put my email in my comment so it should display in my gravatar.

            1. Lumos*

              Checking in for the tampa area. Not my company, but my fiance’s is usually always hiring entry level.

            1. Sunshine on a Cloudy Day*

              NYC as well, but specifically have some good recruiter connections for admin/assistant work

            3. LT*

              New Jersey, here. I know we easily get split into the “greater NYC area” and the “greater Philly area,” but there’s plenty in between!

          24. goorgoahead*

            If OP has any interest in entry level work in the legal field (junior paralegal, practice assistant, but also general admin/executive assistant type roles in various departments), my firm has openings primarily in Chicago and NY, as well as several other cities throughout the US (can be more specific outside of the comments, hah :) ), with generally above-market pay and great benefits.

          25. Not So Recently Diagnosed*

            Central South Carolina representing! My connections are OP’s connections.

          27. Es*

            Woo Pittsburgh.

            Agreed. I’d be happy to help anyway I can. I’m also in the Pittsburgh area.

          28. nom*

            I can help with North Carolina, Washington, Idaho, Montana. Possible reach to DC area as well.

          30. Nita*

            Or NYC. I’m in a fairly specific line of work, but will do what I can. I’m adding my email in case I can help.

            1. JessaB*

              This is what I adore about this blog and it’s commentariat. Anyway checking in from Dayton OH and I still have some connections in Clermont, Ocala and Gainesvile FL. And a friend of mine might be able to hook you up in Carbondale IL.

            2. Anonymoose*

              If I was the OP I’d totally be crying sentimental tears about this blog’s community right about now, because I’m a big ‘ol baby when I’m touched by kindness! *sniff sniff*

            1. First Time Caller*

              Gah…i’ll learn how to properly reply one day. Meant to add…my company is hiring and I know a few others in the area that are as well. Happy to help if I can!

            2. Sled Dog Mama*

              Southwestern VA here too, my company is hiring and I’ve got contacts here, southern NC, Ohio and randomly southern Florida but that’s IT only

          33. Environmental Compliance*

            I’d be happy to help any way I can if OP is near north central Indiana.

            1. Where do y'all get those wonderful usernames*

              Also in SE Texas’s house! OP, if you are in our area, my company is hiring for a newly-vacated position.

              And OP… please do understand that this employment situation of yours is far from average. It’s extremely toxic!

            1. selenejmr*

              I work in East Lansing also! Unfortunately my employer is not hiring at this time.

          36. Nines*

            I’m out here in Portland, OR and would be happy to help! It’s not the most employment friendly city, but if it’s where you need to be, something can be worked out.

          37. Secretary*

            I’m in SF Bay Area! Although if you don’t currently live here don’t move here because it’s bonkers expensive even with a well paying job…

            3. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

              I’m happy to cover metro Sacramento—the Bay Area’s more affordable, much smaller, country cousin. ;) I can do LA and metro Fresno, also, if OP’s on the best coast.

          38. yourfavoritenurse*

            Minneapolis here, my office is hiring entry level admin positions!

          39. On Fire*

            I’m not seeing any Arkansas, so I’ll represent there. I have contacts all over the state, if OP happens to be here or interested in us. (Hiking! Kayaking! Wal-Mart!)

          40. Friendly Neighborhood HR Lady*

            If OP is in the Kansas City area (or interested in moving to the KC area), pass on my email address. I have a spare room that I will rent out cheap (free first month so she can get on her feet) and help connect her with job opportunities in the city. She needs to get out of that toxic environment, not just at work but at home as well.

          41. OlympiasEpiriot*

            I’m in the Northeast US and am in construction…aside from my rants down-thread about running away out of the country (whichever country you are in), I’m happy to help around here. Lots of contacts in a variety of places.

            I still advocate going abroad, though. Based on personal experience, when things get really hairy with family, it is good to have physical distance — even though one time it didn’t work for me as a family member *moved to the same small country and even lived in the same county!* (Lolsob) So, in the spirit of my pushiness, here is another link that could help you go abroad: https://www.bakermckenzie.com/en/careers#careers Put “Business Services” in the space on the left and then scroll on the right to wherever you might be interested in being. Unless you are in law, then I guess “Entry Level Associate”? I thought of them as a friend works for them in not-the-US and, well, she’s very happy living in not-the-US for the last 30+ years and switching around between 4 languages.

            1. Poppy Bossyboots*

              Here is another commenter who swears by going abroad. ;) Happy to help OP explore ESL options, both in-classroom and online. These days I’m just a freelance writer (living abroad) so I can offer help in that regard as well—while it can take time to find a niche, build your portfolio, and locate long term clients, if the OP is really strapped for cash they could get started getting paid for writing work today.

              1. Lacie*

                Not OP, but I’m curious about freelance writing and would love to hear your tips. I’m not strapped for cash, but my job gives me great hours and vacation time that I’d like to try filling up with writing.

                1. Poppy Bossyboots*

                  Sorry, totally forgot I commented on this thread! Anyway, that’s how I got started as well—my job had generous hours and I started writing on the side. I’ve put a link to my online portfolio, which has my email address :)

          42. Nursey Nurse*

            Shoutout for Alaska! Our economy isn’t great, but there are jobs to be found in retail and food service, as well as a smattering of entry-level jobs in other professions. Bonuses are it’s beautiful here and we’re almost certainly over a thousand miles away from your boss!

          43. crochetaway*

            I didn’t see Chicago mentioned, but I have lots and lots of contacts in the Chicago area.

            1. JayemGriffin*

              Chi-town here too; I work in higher ed and we nearly always have openings at the university. I’d be happy to put in a good word for OP if they’re interested!

        7. OlympiasEpiriot*

          Point her at the link to Doctors Without Borders employment page I put into my name. I think this is bad enough she needs to leave whatever country she is in to get some distance.

        8. MuseumChick*

          This reflects one of the many reasons I have so much respect for you Alison.

          4. MsChanandlerBong*

            I’m bawling my eyes out (happy tears) over how kind everyone is being. Makes me so happy to see everyone coming together to offer assistance.

          5. PizzaDog*

            Mte. Reading through the above commenters offering help and city after city of recommendations warmed my heart.

            1. Spooky*

              It took me well over 800 applications to get a position, and that was with Alison’s approval (matter of fact, after I paid her and she took a look at my resume, there were so few things that she’d change that she offered me her e-book instead). 275+ applications is very, very common for post-2008 grads.

              1. Spooky*

                To clarify, she offered me the e-book in exchange for the money I’d already paid, because she felt guilty about charging me when she couldn’t find much to fix.

              2. Batshua*

                I graduated in 2007 and it took me basically 7 years to get steady employment.

                Granted, in my case I was also limited by the fact that I can’t stand for more than 4 hours at a stretch on a good day [hooray for fibro!], so I couldn’t bolster my resume with retail or food service.

                It took about 3 years of applying to get into an AmeriCorps program (the first time). That one lost funding and folded a couple months before my term started, and it took another 3 years before I got into another one. As grueling as the program was for me, I credit it with convincing employers I could hold down a regular job and do well at it in a truly terrible economy that wasn’t hiring me to even answer phones with a college degree.

                1. Anonymoose*

                  Ugh, fibro girl here too. I had to recently move to half time so that my home life wasn’t so terribly depressing. It helped, but I really miss money.

                2. Optimistic Prime*

                  I hid out in graduate school.

                  (Well, sort of. I had already planned on going to graduate school, but since I graduated college in 2008 it ended up serving a dual purpose. I know friends who graduated college with me, didn’t go to graduate school and still ended up finding steady professional work shortly before or around the same time I did.)

                3. seisy*

                  Starting in 2007/2008/2009 ish was literally the worst – to a degree few of my younger collegues scarcely can appreciate. Starting in 2012/2013 might not have been fun, but it did not stick them in nearly ten years of limbo or mark them as non-career track.

            2. Cafe au Lait*

              Possibly. It’s more likely that she isn’t skill at writing CL’s. I was really bad at it after college. I couldn’t see the nuance of how CL’s needed to be written.

            3. Frankie*

              It can be tough if you’re fresh from a graduate degree. People assume you’re looking for placeholder work and won’t be committed to non-academic jobs long-term.

          2. Sunshine on a Cloudy Day*

            Eh, I believe it. I was at 500+ at one point (I had to keep track for unemployment purposes). Granted, this was at the height of the recession, and before I stumbled upon AAM, but my stuff wasn’t horrorific. It definitely improved after using AAM tips/techniques, but my stuff was just a bit more boring/mediocre, nothing truly awful.

            1. Autumnheart*

              I believe it too. Tens of thousands of new graduates flood the market every year, and these days employers think “entry level” should come with 5 years of experience and a degree.

              1. Anonymoose*

                Preferably with an MS/MA in non-research positions! That trend is really pissing me off, and I’m not even looking.

          3. SpaceNovice*

            Considering I’ve never had success on online applications and have gotten my jobs through other channels? Yeah, I believe it. My success rate at converting blind cover letters to interviews was way better than any job boards. (100% to 0%, respectively.) Job boards are, for a lot of people, pretty useless.

            1. Triumphant Fox*

              Exactly. Every job I’ve had has been through connections. It’s part of why I really recommend temping/tutoring/volunteering. Those put you in touch with a lot of different people and (as someone who now hires) if I know you are great in one context and show the skills, I am going to feel so much better hiring you than someone who only has a resume and an interview.

              1. SpaceNovice*

                Those are all definite ways to get your foot in, but I haven’t ever needed to go THAT far. I’ve gotten in with just a good cover letter that gets human eyeballs on it. Simply being enthusiastic about what they do is enough. But in my case, I have an advantage of having an aerospace engineering degree with previous/current software engineering jobs. It’ll take more work to be noticed–and I really suggest OP might want to do some English related tutoring, volunteer work, etc. That’s an incredible letter. (Teaching adult ESL is also a possibility.)

                My brother and dad have both been hired away by old managers/coworkers.

            2. Michaela Westen*

              I’m so glad I’m not the only one! In 20 years I never had a job longer than 2 years and never got one through a job board (or classifieds before that). I usually got jobs through temping, and before I did office work, by applying in person at restaurants or stores.
              I got the job I have now when I heard socially the company might be hiring and looked at their listings on their web sites. Been here almost seven years. :)

              1. SpaceNovice*

                I’ve tended to have my jobs for longer, but I’ve always gotten them through either being found, ending up in an internal resume search system, or sending email cover letters with resumes attached directly to a corporate inbox for that exact purpose. Temping is definitely a good way in the door and to build your network. It gives you experience immediately with offices, too!

                :) That’s awesome! I basically got my first job through being “omg what you do is awesome” in the cover letter and firing off one blind. And if you’re pleasant to talk to, people remember you. Even if you accept another job offer, they might reach out again when they have more opportunities to try and tempt you away.

          4. Nita*

            It’s probably not uncommon when you’re entry-level and just trying to break into your line of work. Where I live, there are always openings for things like entry-level cashier jobs, but it’s ridiculously hard to land a white-collar job at entry-level without connections. A family member who was trying to get out of a toxic job took two years to find a new one. He was looking for things that were either in his field, or entry-level in adjacent fields. He didn’t send out this many resumes, but definitely over 100, and only got three interviews, two of which were kind of a joke.

            But, yeah, the minimum wage jobs are out there if all else fails, and they definitely don’t have to be a dead end. The same family member started his career by working night shift at a gas station while putting himself through college (don’t ask me when he slept, I really have no clue!) Obviously the effects of having a difficult start are still following him around, but at least in terms of salary, he’s making a decent living and can support himself and his family.

        11. Kathy*

          Holy crap this thread is beautiful. Faith in humanity has been restored and I totally teared up at my desk.

            1. JLCBL*

              Same. Love seeing so many good people standing up. I hope she takes someone up on it.

          4. Beth C.*

            It really is, my heart is warm with all these wonderful, considerate people.

            Good luck, OP! I hope one of these kind folks can help you out or that you can find something else fast. You don’t deserve what you are dealing with.

        13. PB*

          I love this! I would be so happy if OP had a job quickly thanks to AAM readership rallying.

        14. Victoria*

          Allison, I just had to scroll down six pages to get past all of the people offering to forward the resume of the Letter Writer.

          Just wanted to point out you have an awesome community here.

        16. boo bot*

          OP, if you’ve been working on Jill’s book in a writing or editing capacity, that is a skill you can leverage even though she hasn’t published it (and even if you’re not credited, which I suspect may be the case given your dad’s ghostwriting work.) Mostly that is freelance work, which has the advantage (or “advantage” – it’s a gift and a curse) that you can do it on the side while you still have this garbage fire of a job.

          Possibly you are already looking for those kinds of jobs, or possibly your work on the book is the most soul-sucking piece of this whole dementor-ridden hellscape. But if you want to keep doing the writing and editing stuff:

          (1) List the work you’ve been doing for Jill’s book separately on your resume as freelance work, refer to her as a private client who was writing a memoir, and don’t talk about who the client is on the basis of confidentiality (it’s totally different from a PA job, I don’t think this is a stretch of the truth. You can note that she’s the same person you were PA-ing for, but the reason I wouldn’t is because I would treat working on someone’s memoir as confidential regardless of whether there are NDAs).

          (2) Be specific about exactly what you are doing for Jill’s book- if you’re editing, are you proofreading (looking for typos and inaccuracies)? or line editing (revising sentences, making suggestions on the content of the text and the writing style)? or developmental editing (analyzing the text as a whole, noting major issues or inconsistencies)? (Or are you ghostwriting it, which still counts if you’re only doing part of it)?

          (3) – (10) REDACTED [I wrote something much longer, but it became egregiously long, and just boiled down to, “if you are interested in editing and writing, you should write, edit, read about writing and editing, and read other stuff too.”]

          There are all kinds of writing and editing jobs. There are also a bunch of scams in that vein, but just don’t go for anything where the focus is more on the “Work from home! Make $ in your pajamas!” than “Commas! Commas! Commas! Wait, that’s too many commas!” Legit jobs will be far more interested in what you can do for them than in what they can do for you. You can still work in your pajamas if you want to.

          3. Lore*

            If any of the work on the ms includes proofreading or copy editing, I may be able to help with decently paying freelance gigs if you’re interested.

          4. CountessAurelia*

            Also, if that’s something you have interest in or are good at, tech editing can be a very good job. And I have a friend who went from editing PhD theses while she was getting an MA in English to writing proposals for a contracting firm and makes in the 6 figures now. EVERYONE needs someone who can write well — or make someone else look like they write well!

            1. Gab*

              Oh wow, how does one get into such a thing? I think all the time about how I should be able to somehow market my ability (and oddly, fondness) for proofreading and editing other people’s writing into a lucrative thing, but haven’t a clue how.

          5. IvyGirl*

            This is so, so helpful. What a great point. I love how supportive everyone is being.

        17. Uncle Cheese Wiz*

          The sentiment in these comments officially confirms AAM as the best place on the interwebs and has inspired me to officially join the commenting community. So you can all thank (or blame) OP for that as you see fit.

          OP this is what a healthy environment feels like. Seek this out in all walks of life and avoid people/things/situations like your current one like a hoard of unholy, undead, flesh eating zombies. Even if (especially if?) it comes from your family.

        18. Database Developer Dude*

          Alison,
          Please feel free to pass along my email address. I work for a fairly large management and technology consulting firm in the metropolitan Washington, DC area, and I’m sure I could help try to hook up the OP with a job somewhere….

        19. enigmaticblue*

          Lincoln, Nebraska, here. Low cost of living, and my organization is actively looking for assistants. I just hired someone with a MA who had a gap in employment, and he’s been awesome. If you’re in the Midwest, or are thinking of relocating, hit me up.

        20. Candace Green*

          I am in Grand Forks, North Dakota. There are a TON of places desperate for entry level employees here. Even WalMart and Burger King are advertising jobs at $11-$15/hour to start, and there are good factory jobs at Cirrus Aircraft and others being advertised on the radio, on buses, everywhere at $15/hour with benefits. There are often office jobs at the university too. Rent is pretty cheap here too. I know ND isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it is possible to make a decent living here.

      4. Turquoisecow*

        I would donate to the cause of helping OP move out of state/far away from these people and maybe getting her own therapy. This is traumatic-level of horror right here, and OP needs to get away. Her dad is either complicit or clueless, but she needs to get away from him, also.

        OP, this is not normal. You are not the crazy one. You’re not doing anything wrong, and know that other bosses and fathers are not like this. You can have normalcy, too. You can have another job. It will get better.

        1. Jesca*

          And like who is this therapist anyway that would *allow* their client to bring her employee/boyfriend’s grown ass daughter to therapy sessions? And why isn’t this therapist seeing the abusive tendencies of this woman?

          1. A Family Therapist*

            There *are* terrible therapists out there, but there are also clients who insist that unwilling other people come to therapy without even mentioning it to the therapist, and then just show up for a scheduled appointment with another person. It’s happened to me more than once. My money’s on the therapist not knowing that they are demanding she attend with them, and if I’m right, the outcome of that stunt is likely to be very different than what the boss and dad are hoping for.

            1. Jesca*

              That makes sense. And if this woman is as boundary crossing as she seems, then I can see that being a totally plausible scenario.

            2. Mallory Janis Ian*

              I know when I scheduled an appointment with a therapist for myself and my 21-year-old daughter, the very first thing the therapist did when we arrived was ask my daughter if she was there willingly. I guess because I was the one who had scheduled the appointment and she was the younger and the non appointment scheduler, the therapist wanted to make sure that her presence wasn’t coerced. Hopefully all therapists would do that?

              1. Hamilton Reference*

                You would think so, but it’s happened to me.

                Very (very) long story short, my abusive stepmother signed me up for therapy after I tried to report her to CPS for child abuse. (She somehow made them believe that -I- was beating -her,- and also put me on probation for being “out of control”.) She signed me up for therapy as a way to psychologically torture me for being “crazy.”

                I would go in, talk to the therapist, and then she would go in immediately after me and talk to her. After the first appointment when I realized what she was doing, I just spent my appointment time crying. I knew it wouldn’t matter what I said because she’d just tell lies about me and I’d never get out.

                That was about 11 years ago when I was 16, but I’m sure therapists like that are still out there somewhere.

                1. A Family Therapist*

                  There definitely are therapists out there like that. I’m so sorry you had that experience, especially as a kid.

            1. Samata*

              Agree! It sounds like dad is on the boss/girlfriends side of the spectrum, so if they are mentioning problems with OP I wouldn’t be surprised if they were framing it as the OPs issue. And the mom in all this, saying to ride it out…OP I just am sending you so many virtual hugs I might break the internet.

            2. SarahTheEntwife*

              Agree, or is a terribly therapist. In a normal couples-therapy situation, this could totally be a reasonable suggestion, even with an adult child. Here it’s just a bucket of nope.

          3. Observer*

            I agree. If the therapist has any idea of what’s going on and is on board with it, then that’s conclusive proof that they are an incompetent danger to society.

          4. Yvette*

            However, it may be done under the umbrella/guise/excuse (not sure of the right word here) of family therapy, they are a couple, she is his daughter.

          5. Kella*

            Folks like the OP’s boss who are this good at manipulating and controlling the opinions of others are usually EXCELLENT at winning over therapists and using therapy to learn more ways to control the emotions of others. It’s likely she’s a totally different person in front of the therapist and that the therapist doesn’t know the OP also works for her.

            1. Naptime Enthusiast*

              It scares me that people can be so sociopathic and manipulative that trained professionals can’t tell who they really are.

            4. Another therapist*

              I got the impression from reading it that the therapist was a new happening, not that the couple has been seeing the therapist for a while.

              It might be more of a permissable thing if the therapist is like a random church therapist or something (no offense to any good church therapists out there– I did have one myself once, but I also had a close friend see a counselor through her church when she was trying to divorce her abusive husband and that counselor told her she needed to stay with him because divorce was not right, etc.), but any therapist abiding by the ethical guidelines (and legally we have to) cannot see an adult who doesn’t consent to it. There are documents that must be signed in the first session. Even if OP did get dragged to a session, she can’t be seen without consenting to it.

              Also, and this is also a huge thing, she can’t be an ongoing part of a *couples therapy* process. She could be what is called an “informant”, where she comes to a session, or maaaybe two, or comes only very very occasionally, and provides perspective to the couple situation, but that would have to be limited to be acceptable as well, and she’d still have to verbally consent to that.

              Couples therapists treat the couple as the client, not the individuals within the couple. And not their daughters/employees. If “couples therapy” is being used as a misnomer here and they really meant FAMILY therapy, as suggested above, again, consent would still be required if they are doing anything even remotely legally, and if they aren’t, then the OP would be able to ask them about their licensure and report them to the state board. (Of course I’m talking about this from a US context, but I sort of assume based on what we were told that this is happening in the US. If Canada, then I’m sure there’s similar legal guidelines in Canada as well.)

              I remember in one of my therapy practica, a young woman (early 20s) came to me as a new client and her mother came with her. First session, this seemed a little odd, but I didn’t press either one of them about it as anxiety was part of one of the concerns mentioned. When they both came to the second session, I had to ask clearly whether they were looking for family therapy together, and also make sure that the mother wasn’t horning in unwanted by her daughter.

        2. Kelly AF*

          Ditto. If there’s some way for Alison to verify that a GoFundMe (or similar) is truly the OP’s, I’ll gladly throw in a few dollars.

          6. General Ginger*

            I can’t afford to contribute but I’ll gladly share the GoFundMe or other link on various social networks!

          9. Old Admin*

            I would contribute, too.
            Another suggestion: Create a GoFundMe run by Alison to help such people in general.

          11. Summerisle*

            Me too! The number of people on this thread offering to help in so many practical ways has reinforced my faith in humanity. Toxic jobs are horrendous and can destroy your mental health; I’m glad the OP has asked for help and will get it.

        3. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

          Agreed. If OP needs a rainy day fund, please let us know. I’m happy to contribute to freeing OP from Jane’s influence. This is such a nightmarish scenario that the most important thing right now is to Get Out.

          2. Stargirl*

            +100. Absolutely will pitch in. OP, please let us know if you’re okay. Love to you. <3

        4. Michaela Westen*

          “This is traumatic-level of horror right here”
          That’s right. I have post-traumatic stress from growing up with similar people.

      5. Indoor Cat*

        Chiming in with a donation! Also, possible donation towards getting LW a career coach of some kind, I mean, literally anyone who could help get a job, like, tomorrow.

    5. The Person from the Resume*

      I stopped reading with a few paragraphs left because I couldn’t take the insanity any longer and had to see Alison’s response.

      This is liver boss / chemo boss / leave-a-work-note-at-a-grave boss level of insanity and inappropriateness. was gold.

      I’m sorry, LW, run, run for the hills now.

      1. Arya Snark*

        Same. It was too much! I got less than halfway through it all before I started ranting “Get out, OP! Get out NOW!!!!!”

        1. OlympiasEpiriot*

          Oh GAWD! It wasn’t just me.

          Yeah, I couldn’t read all the way to the end either.

          (And, DAMN!! This is not about millennials! I’m at the early end of GenX! I’m well into middle age! I seriously want to find out where she lives and go pick her up and get her out of that place!)

          1. JessaB*

            I’m a boomer and I’m totally agreeing, this has nothing to do with the op being a Millennial or any other group. This has happened in all our generations and it is totally on Jane and OP’s father, and maybe this is why OP’s mom divorced him, if he has a tendency to side with Jane…but this is not about your age or generation OP, get out, get out now.

          2. teclatrans*

            The part where OP fretted about maybe just being an entitled millennial *broke* me. No, OP, this is abuse — scary abuse. The commentariat here has many times urged people to get out. The fact that they are offering to help you in such concrete ways? That’s a reflection of how scary this situation is.

            Your mom is wring, your friends are right. I am so sorry your dad is caught up in perpetuating this woman’s abuse. It sounds like he is very likely being abused as well.
            :-(

            And yeah, this does sound a lot like classic narcissism. OP, trust your response and instincts and insights. They are correct, and are giving you good information. Don’t let doubts about future employability or being “a millennial” or not good at your work creep in. Run, run, run.

        2. Ella*

          Same here. I got to OP’s second bullet point (about writing her boss’ memoir, which her father is also writing) and then internally threw up my hands over the whole thing. Holy shit, OP. Run. Run fast. There are so many ways that this is crazy-making and wrong.

          Also, I fear that any boundary-setting with this woman will just result in OP getting fired, which makes me want to advise OP to go to that fucking therapy session with a laundry list of all the bullshit that her boss has subjected her to, but that is Very Bad Advice which is just one of the many reasons why I am a mere commenter and not an adviser.

      2. Guava*

        When I started reading this, I thought, this is the Devil Wears Prada boss…and then I got to the part with the dad.
        This is worse than that. WORSE.
        Run, OP. Don’t listen to your mom. RUN.

      3. Friendly Neighborhood HR Lady*

        I totally expect to see this boss in the running for the Worst Bosses of 2018!!!!

    6. Matilda Jefferies*

      I made that face when I saw the title of the post. Then as I read the article, I made an exponential version of that face, and started screaming in my head GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

      1. Sylvan*

        I was repulsed by the title, but thought, “Surely it can’t really be that bad. Alison just gave it an eye-catching title.”

        Mistake.

        1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

          I read the title and just thought “Oh. God. No.”

          I almost didn’t read the letter because I figured I knew what the advice was going to be.

          Imagine my horror when it just kept getting worse.

          1. Detective Amy Santiago*

            This was pretty much my exact reaction too.

            (side note: have you heard anything yet?)

        2. Decima Dewey*

          Adding to the chorus: take up running for your health and don’t stop until you reach the county or state line. Find another job. Any other job. Get out of this mess.

        4. RabbitRabbit*

          Yup. It got worse. My brain went into “get out get out get out” mode as well. That is batshit levels of WTF.

        5. Optimistic Prime*

          I had the same thought. Not only was the title accurate, it didn’t even capture half of the horribleness of this letter!

      2. Jadelyn*

        My eyebrows kept creeping up…and up…and up…and up as I was reading this. They’re stuck in the A/C vent now I think. I kept thinking it couldn’t get worse…and then it did.

        1. MtnLaurel*

          and my jaw kept dropping down till it was on the keyboard. Unreal.

          But what is great is seeing so many offers of help in so many ways! You all rock.

    7. Jesca*

      I have no comments. I am just OMGing my way through this.

      This is horribly abusive – I mean you have gas lighting, putting the responsibly of a relationship solely on how OP behaves, emotional manipulation, and the constant criticism. Not to mention the no set hours, boundaries, or basic respect you would give another human being no matter who they are in relation to you!

      I feel the need to help OP!

      1. Specialk9*

        Adding to this: “putting the responsibly of a relationship OF TWO OTHER PEOPLE solely on how OP behaves.”

        F#@$ me.

        1. Kali*

          The boss saying she would end the relationship if OP was unhappy reads like a kind of love-bombing to me. “Oh, you’re the most important person here!”.

          1. boo bot*

            Yeah, and I bet she’s telling the OP’s dad that she’ll fire his daughter if he’s unhappy with the situation, because the relationship is what’s most important.

    8. FortyTwo*

      And it just. Kept. Going. I scrolled down, wondering when the letter would end, but the abuses kept escalating.

      Get out. Now. Once you’re out, don’t answer ANY calls from your ex-boss, because you already know they’re going to be emotional blackmail about your father, and you shouldn’t have to listen to that.

      If your father calls, I suggest not speaking to him until he has broken up with your ex-boss, but I don’t know enough about your relationship to advocate complete radio silence.

      Good luck.

      1. Oranges*

        I actually couldn’t take reading the entire letter. I just was like… I’m gonna look away from this epic train-wreck now because I can’t stomach more right now.

        I think it was worse than the bad bosses because it’s constant high levels of abuse. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

      2. Annie Moose*

        100% agree. As soon as possible, cut off all contact with her. Don’t tell her about any new job you’re taking, don’t tell her where you’re living if you move, don’t tell her about your financial situation. She is not a safe person.

        You should also be prepared for her to use your dad against you, as she already has done this in the past–I don’t know anything about the relationship between you and your dad personally, but him giving in to her and pressuring you indicates that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart either. I would assume that anything you tell him could end up going to her, so be careful about what you tell him too.

        1. JessaB*

          And I hate to say this Do NOT give your number to your father OR to your mother if you think she might “innocently” pass it on to him. Because if your dad gets your number he will give it to Jane.

    9. The Original K.*

      Probably the same one I made. Alison teased this on Twitter earlier in the week and it’s SO MUCH WORSE than I thought it would be OH MY GOD.

      OP, run like you are being chased by an ax murderer in a horror movie. No no no no NO NO NO this is NOT NORMAL. At all. I promise you when – WHEN – you get a job where your boss respects professional boundaries, treats you with respect, and … isn’t dating your dad, you will be so relieved and realize how not normal this is.

    10. Lady Blerd*

      That is the only word that came to mind as I’m reading this. I’ll throw in two more: Get Out! DO NOT listen to your mom!!!

    11. Anonyna*

      Same. If this were someone describing their spouse, I’d be googling local divorce lawyers on LW’s behalf.

      1. Oranges*

        Or trying to get a copy of “Why does he do that” into her hands and telling her to hide it from her spouse.

        1. Specialk9*

          Yeah. Seriously. I don’t usually think “actually my abusive marriage wasn’t THAT bad”!!!

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            On the plus side: OP now has experience of what to watch out for in abusive partners?

            OP, this is all ‘your boss sucks’. REALLY sucks. Run.

            1. Specialk9*

              It really is a plus side – I see them from miles away now. On the down side, without a lot of therapy it can be a cycle of abuse with new people.

    12. Wendy Darling*

      You know the scene in Get Out when someone finally says the title?

      That is how my face is.

      1. Camellia*

        Ooh, I just watched that movie…then recognized the guy when we watched Black Panther last night!

        1. Sapphire*

          Look up the episode of Black Mirror called “15 Million Merits” if you want more Daniel Kaluuya. He’s amazing.

          2. Easily Amused*

            He is also in a good paranormal type BBC show called The Fades that was on Netflix awhile back

    14. Tuxedo Cat*

      I’m sure we were making the same face, and I only got halfway through the post. I never worked for my father’s girlfriend but she sounds like Jill.

      OP, you can’t “win” someone like that. You are probably fine. If you were the best employee ever, Jill would still find fault. You need a new job ASAP. I’d sign up for some temp agencies too and see if there are any long-term temp positions or temp to perm. People like Jill will do horrible things to your self-esteem and self-worth. Getting out sooner is better.

    16. Hey Nonnie*

      To be blunt, I would treat this as fundamentally the same as a domestic abuse situation. I grew up in a toxic environment, and reading what OP described made me sick to my stomach. It is THAT bad.

      Go to a trusted friend. Make an escape plan. Maybe it’s necessary to crash on this friend’s couch for a while, and that’s okay. But make a plan and get out. Get out as quickly as you reasonably can.

      And don’t allow your father to drag you into ANY conversation about Jill anymore. Sadly, he made it clear he’s not your ally the second he agreed to try to bully you into going to therapy with them. (!!!!!) Any reasonable person, much less a parent, would have called Jill out on how absolutely, preposterously inappropriate it was to even suggest such a thing.

      You may be able to repair your relationship with your dad later (though certainly not before he stops dating Jill), but right now you need to put that aside and focus on your own safety. Gaslighting is dangerous. It’s grooming you to be compliant to worse abuse later. And Jill clearly has no concept of appropriate work/familial boundaries, so I would expect worse to be coming down the line. Sometimes situations force you to triage, and this is one of those times.

      Get yourself safe. Everything else can wait.

      2. Specialk9*

        Yes, all of this. OP, please listen to those of us who are abuse survivors. That is what is going on. This is not safe.

        Here’s the metaphor that works for me. Evil Worms slither into your brain, and come from abusers. Their messages in your mind (you’re useless, can’t ever find something better, you’re pathetic, dumb, fat, ugly, etc etc) are NOT yours, they come from others who want to harm you for their own benefit, and they’re lies. My own Evil Worm still pipes up sometimes, but I know its voice now and I know it’s lying.

        But I’m not gonna BS you. I *crawled* out of my abuse, and it was a near thing. People who haven’t been there think it’s easy, and for some reason like to say that loudly (“oh I woulda just…”), but it’s not. But it’s SO MUCH BETTER than where you are now.

        Talk to an abuse professional.
        CALL 24/7/365

        1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
        1-800-787-3224 (TTY for Deaf/Hard of Hearing)

        1. Michaela Westen*

          Another metaphor: Jill has crawled into OP’s head and built a nest.
          Kick her and your father out of your head, OP!
          I second that anywhere is better than the abusive situation. I left my hometown and moved to the big city by myself when I was 22. My first apartment was with a roomate who was a drunk, and after a week I moved into a different one with a drug addict and a 2nd roomate who hated the addict and stayed in her room all the time.
          The neighborhood was bad, whenever I left the building creepy street people tried to hit on me or grab me. After six months I moved into a studio across the street and the married building manager made a pass at me. After a few years I moved to another neighborhood that wasn’t as creepy but still dangerous, with a really bad roomate. Then I moved to a different neighborhood with a so-so roomate, then I got fed up and got my own place in an inexpensive neighborhood, and ended up staying there 21 years. :)
          This may sound bad, but it was light-years better than being with my family. A little at a time I learned better ways to live and put a lot of effort into learning how to have healthy relationships, and moving to the big city was the best decision I ever made. :)

    17. CMF*

      IKR? This letter horrified me more than that guy who ghosted his ex then she was hired to be his boss!

      I started fantasizing about the therapy sessions imagining the therapist taking LW’s side and letting Jill and Dad have it.

      I gasped when I go to the part about her mother because it hadn’t occurred to me she was involved – my reaction was “her mother is putting up with this too?” Maybe mom doesn’t want to get involved with dad and Jill, but just because your kid’s out of school and working doesn’t mean you can’t still offer them sane guidance through the world. LW is a millenial in her first job, cut the kid a break and allow her to be free!

      Oh LW I am so so sorry for you. I hope you follow Allison’s advice and run far and fast from this job, and I hope you get some counseling on your own to recover from the abuse Jill has subjected you to. I wish I could hug you and tell you that it’s not supposed to be this way – no hug but for reals THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

      I hope you’ll update us.

      I nominate Jill for worst boss of the year.

      2. Froggy*

        I was thinking not only is Jill the worst boss of the year, but she is definitely in the running for being the worst in a decade!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        OP, your family is very good at give the wrong advice. They excel at it.

      4. scn*

        My God, yes. And I just realized that LW’s mom hasn’t had a relationship with the dad since at least two serious relationships ago (stepmom and Jill the Terrible.) So the mom should be sufficiently emotionally distant enough to see how abusive this is. It’s like LW’s mom just zoned out.

      5. scn*

        LW, you will not get a good reference from this job. The way Jill talks about former employees? That’s how she’ll talk about you. She’s emotionally incapable of giving someone a good reference.

        It literally does not matter what you do. Stay for a year or two vs leave now. Do a great job vs do a terrible job. Resign in writing, with plenty of notice vs vanish without any notice at all. Go to therapy vs laugh in Jill’s face. None of it matters because:

        You will not get a good reference from this job.

        You can’t really put a job on your resume if you know that when they call that job they’ll hear terrible things about you. So your mom is just plain wrong. The best thing for you to do is say you took some time out before joining the workforce. And leave that job asap.

    18. MJ*

      Right? My eyebrows started normal but now they’re so high they’re just part of my hair.

  2. Valancy Snaith*

    Oh dear.

    OP, you are not the problem. Get another job, get out, and do not worry about this one short-term stay. Get out now, and take solace in the fact that one day this will be twenty years ago and you will have amazing stories to tell at dinner parties to horrify people.

    1. Hills to Die on*

      You have all of my sympathy. This is so far outside the realm of normal that ‘bizarre’ doesn’t even cover it. Quit now. Do whatever you have to do to send a text message quittinng your job, then block her and do not look back. You will be fine. Better than fine.

      1. Happy Lurker*

        Yes, and allow yourself some space from your dad if you need it.

        You need to remove yourself, recoup and recover. Heck, I would even go back to my teenage jobs (fast food and Grocery store) to get away from this situation.

        Good luck OP and please update.

    2. Long Time Reader, First Time Poster*

      Yes, get out now! But — if you can’t — if you need the paycheck and can’t just quit, the advice to disengage is spot on. Do the bare minimum. There is the chance you might get let go, because this will enrage Jill, but if you are let go you may be eligible for unemployment, which will help you stay afloat until you get a new job.

      Hang in there and just remember — it’s not you. She’s bonkers.

      1. Blue*

        I mean, Jill is frequently enraged and sounds likely to fire OP on a whim, regardless, so OP really, really has nothing to lose by disengaging.

        1. MsSolo*

          I have a horrible suspicion she won’t, just hold it over her head. Abusers rarely actively send their victims away, they just use the idea of separation as a threat. The bingo square to look out for here is “you’ll never get another job that treats you as well as I do”.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        “…if you are let go you may be eligible for unemployment, which will help you stay afloat until you get a new job.”

        This is exactly what I came here to say.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Can you even imagine being the UC processor who reads Jill’s denial for the LW?

          “LW refused to attend family therapy with me and her dad and was fired for cause.”

          1. bookbot*

            I hope OP starts keeping a journal of day-to-day incidents because I can only imagine what stories Jill might cook up if she tries to deny an unemployment claim.

          2. Cactus*

            I initially misread “processor” as “professor” and wondered why a University of California professor would be reading about LW’s issues with Jill.

    3. Kathleen_A*

      Exactly. OP, I’m pretty sure your mother means well when she counsels you not to quit, but for one thing, she’s *wrong* in her assessment that quitting this job would be some sort of serious blot on your resume (it will not), and for another, she clearly doesn’t understand what’s being inflicted on you here.

      So quit right away if you can, and if you can’t, quit as soon as you can find something that will keep you going for a while. Once you’re out of this awful situation (that is definitely not your doing), you can take a few deep breaths and assess where to go from here.

      BTW, jobs with no set hours will kill ya. I’ve never had one, but my poor husband did. He was hired to work second shift, but his God-awful supervisor would have him work split shifts sometimes; second shift one day and first shift the next sometimes; and then goodness knows what other times. He lasted four months on that job, and it really did just about kill the poor guy.

      1. Yvette*

        If she is worried about references, perhaps some of the clients/other staff that she worked with at the organization would be able to provide her with some. Once potential employers hear “My boss started dating my father, and it became too awkward to stay there.” , I am pretty sure they will understand why her boss is not being asked to provide a reference.

        1. Midge*

          Yes, I was going to suggest this too! Talk to some of those board members who’ve praised your work and the coworkers that you’ve built solid relationships with, preferably before you leave and Jill has a chance to start badmouthing you with her made up claims. I’m sure they understand that Jill is completely unreasonable and unhinged, and they would be happy to serve as references.

          Come to think of it, maybe you could also discretely (very, very discretely!) start talking to these board members to see if they have any open positions at their organizations. If I was in their shoes, I’d want to help you find something better.

          2. Michaela Westen*

            The only thing is, are the board members influenced by Jill? She might have them believing and following her without question. In that case they might not be good references or good to ask for jobs.

            This reminds me of a woman I heard about – wonder if it’s the same one! One of my colleagues worked for a woman in local politics who seems nice and reasonable in public, but in the office is an abusive nightmare. My colleague says she was verbally abusive towards everyone and made her peers cry in meetings. She has a husband and son who also seem very nice.
            I really don’t understand why anyone puts up with such treatment, but she’s gotten away with it for several years. Maybe one day it will come back on her.

    4. Eye of Sauron*

      This….

      So I think this situation is one that I would strongly recommend looking for some of those less desirable jobs. In this case I’d seriously look for a customer service call center (second shift) or manufacturing/line work (again second shift).

      This will get the OP a good income for the short term but leave plenty of time and opportunity for applying and interviewing for a more permanent position.

    1. Temperance*

      You know that whenever we say that, someone even more horrible and toxic comes out of the woodwork, right? It’s like shitty bosses read AAM and then decide that they can top whatever terrible thing some other boss did.

      1. MuseumChick*

        So true. Every time I think “Ok, this is the craziest letter ever. Nothing will top this.” I am always very, very, wrong.

        1. Temperance*

          It’s kind of impressive, right? I honestly didn’t think anyone could get worse than Liver Boss, and then Chemo Bully showed up.

          3. Jadelyn*

            It makes you wonder if there’s some Evil Convocation of Evil Bosses out there, and they’re all competing for some award there based on who can get the most horrified comments from us.

            1. MuseumChick*

              The scary part is there isn’t. It’s just random individuals being terrible independent of each other.

            2. Admin2*

              I think the issue with all such conspiracy theories is the level of competence it suggests.

              1. mrs_helm*

                +1
                “If she were organized, she’d be dangerous.” (Well, she’s dangerous to OP, but …)

            3. Drago Cucina*

              Someone like Bad Horse and his Evil League of Evil is vetting these folks for membership and annual awards.

            4. boo bot*

              I actually kind of wonder if the horrible boss stories embolden people in terrible situations to write in about their own horrible bosses.

              Like, I’ve been in situations where I wouldn’t think to ask for advice because what was happening was so outlandishly awful that I’d expect people to (a) not believe me, or (b) say I was stupid for even being in the situation in the first place.

              So, if I were in a situation analogous in some way to the OP’s (and I have been, OP – different in almost every detail, but otherwise exactly the same. Many of us have been, it’s Not Just You and it’s Not Because of You.)

              Anyway, if I were in a similar situation, seeing Alison’s compassionate, insightful response, and all the comments taking her seriously, believing her and empathizing with her and offering real concrete advice and help would make me feel like this was a safe place to ask advice of my own.

              TL;DR: my theory is that the horrible boss posts do indeed spawn further horrible boss posts, but it’s not a bad thing at all.

          4. Tara2*

            Yea, at least Liver Boss had extreme desperation to make it more understandable, if not forgivable.

    2. Elle*

      I was just thinking about how I look forward to rereading this at the end of the year in the “Worst Boss” round up. Egads.

      I hope we get a follow up letter from Letter Writer in a few months talking about the great new job she found with a sane boss who understands what boundaries are!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        OP, some how you found AAM. This means you are going to find more resources if you just keep trying, Don’t give up now. If you keep going you WILL get out of this HOT mess.

      4. Michaela Westen*

        I usually have to set a few boundaries with a boss, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad bosses.
        OP, when you get another job, set whatever boundaries make you comfortable. A good boss will respect that.

    3. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      I’m afraid to comment along these lines anymore, because it’s like all the horrible bosses see these comments, and take them as a challenge.

    4. Fiennes*

      Plus it seems that WTF Wednesday, despite all plans for its abandonment, lives on.

  4. Kate*

    This is one of those times I wish we could use gifs in comments. A baffled, blinking gif is the only appropriate reaction I can come up with here. OP, you in danger, girl.

    1. SeluciaV*

      +1 million

      I’ve worked for a strange, overbearing, irrational, boundary-crossing, red-flag-waving toxic boss before but she seems like a fluffy lamb in comparison to Jill. *shudders*

      Make like The Flash and bolt OP. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I’m not even sure what a minimum safe distance would look like from this whole clusterf**k but I’m thinking at least a continent.

      1. Suzy Q*

        Run. Get out. Today. NOW.
        Block all communications with that woman. Respond to NOTHING from her. Keep your dad at a distance.
        Hugs for a stranger and all the best to you.

    3. DaniCalifornia*

      At first I read gifs as gifts, and I thought ‘Yeah I would totally send someone money/gofundme/chip in to someone with this level horrible boss.’ Then I realized what you meant lol!

      My gif would be Lana going NOOOOOOPPPPPPEEEEE

      I hope OP reads Alison’s response and the comments and RUN. Fast food/waiting tables/babysitting for actually money would be better than this!

    4. CristinaMariaCalabrese (do the mambo like-a crazy)*

      I absolutely read your last line in Oda Mae Brown’s voice.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      OP, your feeling of gaslighting and abuse is right, and real. Trust yourself, trust your gut.

      You can’t live your dad’s life for him, he’s going to have to run on his own.

    6. On Fire*

      Sometimes there are letters that I don’t want to believe. Not that I think they’re fabricated – I just don’t want to believe that people can be so awful. This is one of those letters. I don’t WANT to believe it, but I do. OP, please, take whatever job will let you pay bills and buy food, and GET OUT NOW.

  5. Temperance*

    LW, don’t listen to either of your parents and GTFO. Your dad sounds like he’s in a bad relationship, but that’s his choice. Don’t let him guilt you into going to therapy with them. It will be a huge mistake.

    On the personal front, it sounds like Jill has serious psychological issues, and you are right to avoid therapy with her. Without armchair diagnosing her, I will say that she sounds like exactly the type of person who will use family therapy as a weapon to further damage and manipulate others.

    1. Sylvan*

      I agree. I’ll keep it short but Jill has some similarities to a relative, who I was luckily never targeted by, but who I saw in action enough to understand. If they are similar people, engaging won’t help you. It’ll enmesh you.

    2. Marillenbaum*

      Precisely. She sounds remarkably like my stepmother, and the smartest move I ever made was to stop speaking to her when I was 21 (shoutout to the really good therapist who helped me make that choice). OP, this is not your fault, and there is literally no way that you can fix this. Run for the hills, and never look back.

    3. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

      Yeah, I read the headline thinking “wow, that’s an overstep” but it’s not even that they inappropriately want OP to help their relationship, they want to use their therapy sessions as a way to exercise power (threatening probation if OP doesn’t go?! absolute garbage).

      It is also possible Jill will respond to disengaging and doing the bare minimum with escalation and increasingly abusive behavior. There are people who enjoy inflicting distress on others because they like the power trip, and if Jill is one of those (sure sounds like it), all OP can do to cope until another job comes through is remember “this is a her problem, not a me problem, and her reactions do not reflect my worth.”

      OP, if there’s any way you can get out, at all, run and don’t look back. Your mom’s advice is well-intended but off base. Waiting tables can bring in great tips while you job search. Consider temp work if you want to expand your office experience and build up references from people who are not Jill.

      1. Liane*

        ” they want to use their therapy sessions as a way to exercise power”
        Yes! That bit reminds me about warnings I’ve read that couples therapy can be risky when abuse is involved, because it’s not uncommon for the abuser to con/charm/fool a therapist into teaming up on the already-victimized partner.
        If OP has the energy–and I totally understand if she doesn’t–I’d notify the baby’s parent/s that Granny-Dearest isn’t taking care of the child and report the therapist to the appropriate state board.

        (Side note, I came here 30 minutes after it was posted and saw no comments. My initial thought was, “This is so bad everyone has been shocked into ‘silence’!” Then I remembered that I just installed the “Shut Up” Firefox extension (because I am so tired of those comment balloons on Yahoo and hadn’t yet told it that AAM comments were welcome.)

        1. Jadelyn*

          My (abusive alcoholic) father went to couples therapy with my mother, and years later I learned that he opened their first session by basically saying “Here’s what’s wrong with her: [litany of unreasonable complaints]. Can you fix her?”

          That type of person has no concept of personal responsibility. None. Everything is always someone else’s fault. And with as charming as many abusers can be to other people than their victims, it’s not at all surprising to me that they might be able to fool a therapist into siding with them and piling all the blame and responsibility for the relationship onto the victim.

          (Thankfully the therapist my parents saw didn’t fall for my dad’s BS. My brother and I also saw this therapist, separately, for support during the eventual divorce, and when I was in the last stages of trying to salvage my relationship with my father I asked if he’d be willing to go see that therapist with me to try to work things out. He said he’d see *a* therapist with me for a few sessions – but not *that* one. Because he knew the guy was already wise to his shit and wouldn’t side with him against me in making it all my fault.)

          1. Lara*

            I’ve heard it argued that couples therapy often ends up being an extension of abuse in this kind of relationship.

            1. Jules the 3rd*

              It really depends on the therapist. I recommended a Therapist I’d visited to a friend of mine, because I was confident Therapist would recognize the abusive behavior and behave appropriately. From the few bits friend told me, Therapist picked up on it within two visits and gave quiet support to the ‘communication should be respectful not angry’ norm. Abusive Partner stopped going, and thankfully they broke up.

              1. Lara*

                Oh sure. It’s just (reportedly) easy for emotional abusers to abuse the therapeutic relationship. Domestic violence groups often repeat that “abuse is not a “relationship problem.””

                If you were able to recommend your therapist to OP’s dad, I’d be all for it. However going to family counselling with a therapist primed / recommended by Jill seems like it would be a continuation of, rather than solution to, the emotional abuse.

                1. Specialk9*

                  This was my experience. Soooo smooth in therapy but vicious every drive home and night after a session.

          2. GreyjoyGardens*

            That’s a good point, especially the fact that narcissists and abusers can be very charming with people outside their family, or even with *adults* within the family. This whole family screams “bad narcissistic people” – Jill is a terrible, abusive person, Dad at the very least is an enabler who chooses his new partner over his child, and Mom appears to enable the Jill and Dad team as well.

            LW, this is NOT normal and NOT acceptable and you are NOT entitled to want a healthy job and family life. RUN!

            1. Worker Bee*

              I think you meant “and you are entitled”; the last not seems to be a typo.

              1. Lara*

                I read it as “It is not ‘entitled’ to want a healthy job”, as in ‘hey, the desire for a scream free workplace doesn’t make you an entitled millennial snowflake’.

        2. Beth*

          To be fair, I think any competent therapist would look at this scenario and go “Wait, you ordered your *employee* to come to family therapy, on threat of dismissal if she refused? What???” That’s just….so objectively shocking, in its basic facts, there’s really no amount of charm that could explain it away.

          1. Specialk9*

            Right but who’s going to say that? There’s so much pressure to keep the job that Jill likely figures that OP will go along with it as voluntary.

            1. Beth*

              True, Jill probably didn’t frame it that way (if she told the therapist at all). But if OP does end up pressured into going (which, OP, don’t, it’s not a good idea, run away), it might well be something they could bring up to make the scope of the dysfunction clear

              1. Thlayli*

                I was actually thinking if I was OP I would love to go to therapy and state clearly every thing that Jill does. That might shake the therapy sessions up a bit!

          2. Melissa*

            Yeah, right? I’m really wondering just what this “Family” therapist has been told.

            OP, did boss ever discuss any of this over text or email? Normally, I’d say refuse therapy, and continue to just do your job. And boss would either back down on the threat of writing you up, OR she’d hand you a lovely case for constructive dismissal in write-up format.

            But given your age and experience, and the fact that both your parents SUCK so badly, I think you need to just run from this. Now.

            You didn’t say in your letter whether you were financially dependent on one or both parents. If you are, please don‘t let that keep you stuck. I really think you would be better off just quitting with no notice, and blocking both of them from any form of contact. Get your phone number changed. Ask friends to help. Just get out.

            This won’t get better.

        3. Another therapist*

          Oof, but how terrible would a therapist have to be to not pick up on that? The thing about personality disorders (and the abuser in the post almost certainly has one), is that they are difficult to completely hide for any length of time. Even sociopathy or psychopathy have hints, especially for those who are trained to look for them. Yes, they can try to be charming, but I really get the impression from the OP’s letter that this person is probably not the type that can handle that level of charming long enough. I shouldn’t assume, of course, but we aren’t hearing any of the classic abuser apology stuff, where there are times that they are faking being sweet. It’s just a litany of endless torment.

    4. Sara without an H*

      And I’m wondering hard about a therapist who would agree to involve OP in sessions. Really hard.

      1. Sylvan*

        The only information the therapist has might be that this couple is having issues with a child (described by Jill as a Problem Child?), which I can’t imagine is out of the norm for couples or family counseling.

        1. Jesca*

          I would think the therapist would ask age and relationship? A good one would anyway and then find this request hugely gross.

          1. Seriously?*

            We don’t actually know if the therapist even agreed to it. They could just be planning to bring the OP and assume that the therapist will go along with it.

            1. Hey Nonnie*

              Yeah, I’m guessing Jill’s plan is to simply show up with OP and Dad in tow and expect the therapist to go along with it.

              That’s the thing with narcissists — in their mind literally everything is about them, and other people mere extensions of their own identity/ego, such that they cannot conceive of other people disagreeing with or not going along with them. Until it happens, and then of course the disagreeing person is “incompetent,” and the narcissist gets really mad because it pokes a hole in their carefully constructed version of reality.

      2. Temperance*

        I frequent forums for adult children and partners of people with personality disorders, so I’m honestly not surprised since I see it so often. Some people can be really, really manipulative, and the dynamic here (Jill and Joe are in family therapy, and Jill works with Joe’s daughter Jane) might pass muster.

      3. Irene Adler*

        Really. But I would love to find out what Jill has explained to the therapist as to why the OP must be involved in their therapy sessions.

        1. Naomi*

          I wonder if Jill has even told the therapist OP is coming. I would not be surprised if Jill and Dad were planning to simply show up for their appointment with OP in tow.

      4. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I kind of wish that OP *would* go to the therapy sessions just to see if therapist knows Jill is insane or if the therapist is also insane. But even more so than that, OP, I want you to QUIT THIS JOB AND GET OUT ASAP.

        My apologies if you have problems with the phrase ASAP (see yesterday’s post).

        1. Oranges*

          I would love to be a fly on that wall but the risk/reward is so highly tilted towards going will seriously damage the LW that… nope. But holy crap I’m gonna daydream about it.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          There is nothing wrong with yelling, “Fire! Fire! Get out ASAP!” When we are talking about life and death the rules change a bit. OP, these people are killing you at your very core. Yeah, you can keep on living but life will feel robotic and joyless. This is what happens when our souls die and our bodies continue on.

      5. Samiratou*

        It’s possible the therapist hasn’t been brought into the loop yet and will be all “oh, hell no” when they show up with her.

      6. Beth*

        Therapist might well have only been told that LW is Dad’s daughter. It’s not unheard of to talk to family members in a therapy context; that alone wouldn’t necessarily raise red flags.

    5. Larry Sanguinetti*

      I worry more that Psycho-Boss will threaten to break up with Dad and blame OP. Don’t fall for her traps, as they are intended only to continue the tormenting power she holds over you. The only way to get out from under her is to stand up for yourself and get out.

      And honestly, her breaking up with your dad, however hard it’ll be on Dad, sounds like a good thing. Second only to continuing to work for this witch would be having her as your step-mother. I feel for you, and wish you well.

      1. Suzy Q*

        The dad is in an abusive relationship, and people in them don’t always recognize it. I HOPE that asshole breaks up with him.

        1. eplawyer*

          I noticed that too. Dad is doing the same things the LW is doing — desperately playing whack a mole in an effort to please Jill. He thinks if he can convince daughter to go to therapy which is what Jill wants, Jill will stop threatening to leave.

          Jill plays both sides. She tells LW she will break up with dad because of her actions. Then she tells dad she is ending the relationship because daughter is horrible to her. It’s all about being the center of attention and controlling others.

          LW get out. Just go.

          1. Totally Minnie*

            Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if Jill was telling her boyfriend “I’ll fire your daughter and nuke any chance she has at getting another job in our industry if you don’t do what I want.”

            Whatever the case, OP, leave as soon as you can and don’t worry about any fallout between Jill and your dad. If the worst she can do is break up with him, is that really a bad thing?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Meanwhile her industry cohorts know or hear rumors that she is a nut-job. OP, always remember there is more than one side to any story line.

      2. Jules the 3rd*

        It would be good for Dad, but she isn’t going to to it. Dad’s thoroughly under her thumb. My experience has been that the only reason an abuser does the leaving is because their victim starts to get out, mentally, and the abuser leaves first.

        So, Jill will fire OP if OP starts to refuse unreasonable requests (ie, ‘Jill, I am available from 9 – 3 M – Th; please email a list of tasks you want completed’) but she won’t break up with Dad.

      3. Specialk9*

        She’s not going to follow through, it’s her trump card. I had threats of leaving and divorce for YEARS, but as soon as I finally had it, the whole narrative turned on a dime to the opposite. I don’t want to give tio many details that could be connected back to me, but this all sounds SO familiar.

        PS, remarried to a delightful person who respects boundaries and is kind. It’s revolutionary. Just a reminder that abuse can be left and things can be better.

    1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I mean we were all thinking the same thing.

      I’m really looking forward to voting for Jill at the end of the year, though.

    3. Wendy Darling*

      It’s “send helicopters and a SEAL team to extract the OP from this situation” Wednesday.

      1. Sara M*

        Heehee. Best comment. :)

        (OP, my heart goes out to you! Take Alison up on her offer to help.)

        1. JessaB*

          Nah, the Winter Soldier is a decent guy but she needs a woman’s rescue team send in the Dora Milaje.

          1. Totally Minnie*

            Yes! Okoye and Ayo would knock Jill on her ass and sweep the OP away to safety!

  7. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Your mom is WRONG. So wrong and so insensitive it makes my head spin. I think that stood out to me because I also had a father problem and my mom, instead of supporting me and backing me up, refused to do anything. And you definitely have a father problem (and a Jill problem). I say this to tell you that I am so, so sorry that there’s no one going to bat for you in the way you need, and to please continue to lean on your friends because they sound supportive.

    1. Kathleen_A*

      So wrong. She – the mother, I mean – probably means well because that “Those who quit a job after less than a year are DOOOOOOOOMED” belief *extremely* common – but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        And there is no room for “meaning well” when your child is suffering. People can tell me 1000 times that my mother “did her best”, but since her “best” included things like, “He’s your father, you have to go over there” and the recent, “Your job is making you miserable and you have no vacation time that I demand you spend with me and you’re completely burned out but YOU HAVE TO STAY,” it’s all just bs in the end.

        This is hitting very close to home for me, so I’m trying hard to focus on the OP. And basically, I just want to tell her that her mom, her dad, and Jill are all WRONG WRONG WRONG. You can be the most sullen and absent-minded person on the planet, yet you still do not deserve such treatment. You can be inexperienced, too. Still don’t deserve this.

        2. Frank Doyle*

          We don’t have a lot of information on the OP’s mom, just that she gives bad career advice. It’s very possible that the OP sugarcoats everything she tells her mom, because she doesn’t want to talk shit on her dad and Dad’s girlfriend.

          1. Kathleen_A*

            Yeah, we reeeeeeally don’t have enough information to judge the OP’s mom – but we can definitely judge her advice here, and the consensus judgment is: It’s very bad advice. You not only can quit a job after only a few months, but if it’s as awful as this one, you should quit.

        3. GreyjoyGardens*

          Oh yes, “I did my best!” That’s the cry of abusive and/or enabling parents everywhere. And it’s weaksauce and needs to be treated with contempt. When it comes to kids, “your best” isn’t necessarily good or even acceptable.

        5. Not So NewReader*

          OP, your mom is not good at teaching you when to say NO. She probably does not say NO often enough herself. Look for other people to show you how to do this. It’s not our fault if we weren’t taught this growing up, but we CAN learn it as adults.

        6. A*

          How did this get straight to blaming the mother when it is clearly the father that is the problem. Yes, the mother isn’t being perfect, but it is the father that is actively hurting his child. He doesn’t deserve to be a father.

      2. Jesca*

        Yeah, I am thinking (hoping) she just isn’t getting the whole breadth of this situation and maybe still sees her daughter as her little kid. That can be common from parents of kids just emerging from school. She is probably not “seeing it” because she thinks her father is just trying to father her a little inappropriately. I don’t know. She is wrong. I encourage OP to seek emotional support outside of her family while going through this!

        1. Jesca*

          Oh, and create healthy distant boundaries with her parents for the time being as well.

    2. smoke tree*

      Yes, this really stood out to me too. Obviously this boss is the worst, but it’s troubling that neither of the LW’s parents has her back (and her father is actively working against her). Listen to your friends, LW! It isn’t entitled to want a job where you aren’t abused every day. And I would take all of your mother’s work advice with a grain of salt if she doesn’t recognize how awful this situation is.

    3. Amber T*

      I wonder if mom is taking the advice of “never speak ill of the father of your child or his partner” to the extreme. On the one hand, it would add another layer of (non work related) conflict if mom said “wow, your boss is a nutcase,” because while true, it also starts the Mom vs. Dad’s New Girlfriend dilemma. So instead, she’s trying to remain “neutral” by offering (wrong) pure job advice that isn’t against Dad’s New Girlfriend? Idk, this is a messy situation all around… I feel for mom too because she probably doesn’t know how to advise her daughter here either.

      2. Frank Doyle*

        I said this above, but it might be that the OP isn’t giving her mom the whole sordid story, as she wants to remain neutral between her parents.

    4. Seriously?*

      This job is not going to open doors. It is toxic and seems to be getting worse. Cut your losses and get out.

    5. Indie*

      I think some people really fall for that myth that youre not supposed to talk smack about the other parent after divorce. That being a good divorced parent is to be ridiculously amicable. Even if they’re just sympathetically discussing the bad parent with an adult like the OP. I mean, sure, dont rant about your own issues to your joint progeny, or put them in the middle, but you’re allowed to say ‘That sucks and I get why you’re angry’ when other parent lets them down for weekend visitation AGAIN. Or, you know, when his new squeeze has decided to make your kid a workplace kickplate/slave. You’d have to hold my mother down if a new girlfriend in the family was doing this to me. But of course its the dad who takes the prize here.

      1. GreyjoyGardens*

        There is definitely this, and unfortunately, while it’s meant well (“don’t use your child as a pawn”) it can lead to gaslighting the child. Also, in some family systems, there is the belief that adults – especially parents, but adult family members as well as teachers and other authority figures – have to “stick together” and “present a united front.”

        1. Indie*

          I will (and have) totally stuck up for a bullied/yelled at child against another member of staff at my school. You dont have to do anything drastic, just sympathise with the upset child in the moment and say you’ll look into it, and refer the other staff member/their boss to some modern training that doesn’t rely on Victorian hierarchies.

      2. SarcasticFringehead*

        From the other side, as a child of divorced parents (with a stepmom who’s also a bit manipulative and jerkish, although not nearly to Jill’s extent), it was also really hard for me to know what was appropriate to talk to my mom about – I didn’t want to be playing my parents against each other, and I was always aware that this was her ex and she wasn’t coming at the situation the same way I was. In retrospect, I should have told her more, but it’s a tough situation to navigate.

  8. neverjaunty*

    Oh LW, this is heartbreaking. The people in your life who you quite reasonably expect to have more maturity and wisdom than you are failing you horribly. It’s not you, it’s them. And they’ve gotten you turned around so much that it’s hard for you to see a way out.

    You do not have to live this way and you can get out of this situation without your boss’ or your parents’ approval.

  9. Trout 'Waver*

    OP, none of this is normal. At all. Anyone who tells you otherwise is gaslighting you. Protect yourself.

    1. SarahKay*

      Yes! OP, really, truly, in this case it’s not you! It’s them! Jill’s behaviour is incredibly, wildly, absurdly unreasonable, and your Dad not supporting you is horribly disappointing. But absolutely none of that is your fault.

      You’ve done your best to make an awful, toxic situation work – now please just do your best to get out of there. And until you can do so, please look after yourself as best as you can, and know that none of this is your fault.

    2. Amber T*

      Now that that’s out of my system…

      I quit my first job out of school at ~6 months with nothing else lined up. It was horribly toxic and dysfunctional. At this point, I don’t really remember the answer I gave during interviews as to why I quit (something about it being dysfunctional and being concerned about the financial stability of the company – which, true-ish, something about not using my degree, which, also true-ish). Getting out of a dysfunctional work place was the best thing I did for my mental health (and physical health at the time, considering the black mold, but anyway).

      I didn’t have the family drama involved in that, which adds another layer of holyshitballsness. You will find another job. You will find something that works for you. This isn’t the end all be all. You can leave. You are not a terrible person for quitting a job less than a year in. You also don’t sound like a horrible worker for not being able to juggle all of her asinine requests.

      Also, your dad kind of sucks right now. That’s not how you let your girlfriend treat your kid. I don’t care if it’s your adult kid, it’s still your kid. So quit that job, take a step back.

      You’re going to be okay.

      1. k.k*

        I quit my first job out of school after 9 months. It was a crazy toxic workplace and I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was out. Quit without anything lined up. At the time I felt like I was making some horrible mistake that would haunt me for years.
        But guess what? Everything turned out just fine. Did some temping and part time stuff for a few months, and then found another full time job. It’s really not as big of a deal as it feels like, I promise. You can do this and you’ll be so much better off once you’re out!

        1. Samata*

          Me too! And my mom really pushed me to stay. I waited tables for a couple months and found an amazingly great job that launched a decent career path for me. Best decision I ever made.

        2. EddieSherbert*

          I WISH I quite my first job sooner. I let myself be talked into staying a year before applying elsewhere…. and then it took another 6 months before I GOT another job… and I was so miserable. I was just beyond unhappy, depressed, dreading getting out of bed in the morning, crying on the way to the office…

          Once I got into a functional office, I realized just how damn ridiculous it was to stay there a second longer than I had to. And I would have 100% been happier doing ANYTHING but that. Hindsight. As someone who stuck with a terrible job because of dumb advice, I highly recommend you don’t make the same mistake!!!

          1. Minocho*

            @EdditSherbert Me too. The best thing that happened for me in that job was when they let me go. I didn’t realize how messed up my perspective was until I got out. It helped that they were so messed up, after telling me Friday would be my last day, they begged me to stay another week when they realized how much I was handling. I was on a week to week basis as they continued job searching, until I found employment and gave them a week’s notice – I avoided any bad financial consequences that way.

            It was a crappy experience, but either way, these things are good for helping you recognize that at the end of the day, a job is just a job, and it’s okay to set healthy boundaries.

            Good luck, OP! Know that your perspective is the correct one, and that there are sane employers out there. You deserve a sane workplace, don’t give up!

          2. Bella*

            Same here!
            Because I was new to workplace I didn’t realise how dysfunctional it was and I assumed work was always going to be this hellish experience. It was only though another job I realised that sometimes going to work could be fun.
            I wish I’d left a lot sooner because it took a while to undo the damage it had done to my confidence.

      2. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        Yes, OMG YES to your last point. I have not had a significant other who did not know from the start that my (adult) kids were off-limits. One tried testing that, which led to all the red flags going off in my head, me googling his court records and finding a lot more than I’d expected to, and me ending things over text two weeks after he and I had met. You do not mess with my children. Period. I don’t care that they’re in their 20s, they are my closest family and you do not mess with them.

        1. Jesca*

          Yeah … I google and run background checks on anyone I am considering introducing to my kids. Even if they were adults, I would still do it. I don’t personally feel its right to introduce anyone into my family and friend circle that could cause damage, and I am generally going to do any background check AND watching their behavior closely before introducing anyone in my life to them. I think the dad here could learn this lesson.

        2. Merci Dee*

          Significant Other: ~general whining and belly-aching about my kid~
          My Maternal Instincts: [Mama-Bear Mode engaged, prepare to rip off subject’s arm for fatal beating in 3 … 2 … 1 …. ]

        4. Detective Amy Santiago*

          So I just read the LA Times ‘Dirty John’ series over the weekend and your comment made me think of that.

          1. Bloo*

            I just thought the same thing. If only she’d googled him it would have raised a lot of questions.

      3. GreyjoyGardens*

        Yeah, your dad sucks. Putting a new partner above your children is a big no-no. I don’t know what LW’s dad’s issues are, but he’s not behaving as a loving parent should.

        Meanwhile, it’s fine to quit and get a stopgap job. Starbucks, temp agencies, Craigslist, Mechanical Turk, driving for Uber, whatever you can get to cobble together a living while looking for something more permanent. As Alison said, it’s a *repeated pattern* of quitting that is suspicious, not quitting once because you got a lemon of a job, which can happen to anyone.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I would add here that a retail or food service job might be a great move at this stage. Something with clear, set hours and clear (or clearer) goals. Something to erase this hell of an institution that you have fallen into. Structure, even for minimum wage, might be a good thing to strive for as you figure out your next move.

          1. Samata*

            Yes, my favorite part about restaurant work is that at the end of your shift you go home, leave the job behind and start a new shift the next day.

          2. mrs__peel*

            Unfortunately, many retail jobs don’t have set schedules these days. A lot of places expect people to be “on call” basically 24/7. (Like a doctor, but without the pay or respect).

            2. Snazzy Hat*

              Enough of them at least don’t stray from the schedule. Sure, during my retail days I would occasionally get a call that I didn’t need to come in, or a call on a day off asking if I could come in. But the manager wouldn’t not post a schedule and expect me to leap out of bed from a 5:00am phone call and be ready to work at 6, or cancel a doctor’s appointment with fifteen minutes notice.

            3. Avatre*

              I used to work in a grocery store and would often not get my schedule for the following week (starting Sunday) until Friday or Saturday. It would be posted in my department on the bulletin board.

              This made planning anything a pain, and I did get occasional “can you come in on your day off” calls, but it was A HUNDRED TIMES BETTER than only finding out my hours via text message the night before I had to work them—which is how I’m reading OP’s situation. Also, I could specify what hours I was available and knew that I would *probably* be working closing shift or whatever.

              Even a small increase in schedule predictability sounds like an improvement for OP at this point.

          3. Chatterby*

            If she’s been an admin, she can sign up for a temping agency, or I’d say looking into reception jobs at places like hotels, hospitals, or schools.

            1. SarcasticFringehead*

              I think OP’s feeling beaten down because of how terrible Jill is, but it sounds like she has a lot of skills a temp agency would be really happy to see (especially the ability to, um, adapt to new situations, is a nice euphemistic way of putting it)

        2. Observer*

          It’s not just that he’s putting his partner over his kid, although that’s bad enough. It’s that he’s enabling utterly ridiculous behavior, actively joining in the abuse and gaslighting the OP.

        3. Annie Moose*

          It’s also extremely normal for new grads to have a period of shorter stays and stopgap jobs when they’re fresh out of school! Nobody is going to look at OP’s job history and go, “oh no, she had a 9-month job and then worked at Starbucks for awhile, we can’t possibly hire her”. If you had ten years of 9-month jobs? That’d be a red flag. If you have ONE 9-month job, your first job out of grad school??? Extremely normal.

      5. Aspergirl*

        I quit my first job out of undergrad without a real backup (I lined up a part-time thing and then added two more on top after quitting, ah ye early Millennial goose juggling) after 5 months because I couldn’t survive emotionally in the place. It wasn’t even like this, I just had nothing to do most of the time and my boss was excessively bitter and unhappy. The day she told me that maybe I could have her job in 10 years was my “get out” day. But it was just like … mundane bad.

        I now have a career. I’ve been steadily employed ever since. I’ve left a few jobs after only a year and I’ve stayed in others for over 5. I feel very good about where I am right now. Sharing my story because every time I did leave it was an intolerable person and my intolerable people all pale in comparison to yours.

      6. Genny*

        I was fired 8 months into my first job out of college. I was absolutely devastated, partially because it took me about seven months to get that job. Six weeks later, I had a new job closer to my field of study that offered real career growth. LW, you can absolutely recover from several months of job hunting and a short stint at a job.

  11. BananaRama*

    The only word blaring like a klaxon through my head is, “RUN!”

    OP, you are totally not at fault for the amount of dysfunction being thrown at you. As Allison suggested, new job ASAP; eventually you’ll look back and realize how insane what you are putting up with is. Also, if you can, on your own – no couples stuff, therapy to help you talk out these issues with a person who is actually committed to your betterment and will be very helpful to keep you centered around what is and isn’t normal. (p.s. what Jill is doing is very very not normal.)

  12. MuseumChick*

    So many giant cyber hugs to you OP.

    Most not profits have board of directors, if you have a good relationship with any of the board members it might be worth bring her insane behavior to their attention. But please GET OUT. Find a bunch a part-time jobs at Starbuck, the Gap, McDonald, whatever it is you have to do because this House of Evil Bees is going to be more stressful than working multiple part-time crappy jobs.

    1. Work Wardrobe*

      I agree. OP, please leave now and find PT work to sustain you until the next career position comes around. And/or sign up with placement firms to help with your search while you enjoy a mindless PT job or two.

      You will feel SO MUCH BETTER instantly which will help re-set your heath and wellbeing and prep you for a better future. All the hugs.

    2. lyonite*

      I was going to say the same thing, particularly about the any-job-is-better thing. One short tenure and a job or two outside of your field aren’t going to do you much, if any, long-term career harm, and certainly not as much as the psychological damage you’re going to incur if you stay in this crazypants disco for much longer.

    3. k.k*

      Gig based jobs (Uber, Task Rabbit, Wag, etc) can also help fill in the financial gap while you search for a new full time job. The flexible schedules fit nicely around other part time work, interviews and such.

      1. Jadelyn*

        Also try Doordash, Eat24, those kinds of things. Just to help keep you afloat while you’re looking for other work.

    4. Tmonster*

      I second going to the board, whom you mention being on good terms with. Let them know you are going to quit, and explain why in as much dispassionate detail as possible, focusing on specific inappropriate requests (babysitting, therapy, etc.) and documentable patterns (email threads, text chains) as much as possible. They should know what she’s doing, as they have a fiduciary responsibility to the organization that she seems to be putting at risk. They might even (if they’re reasonable) offer to write you a letter of recommendation based on their own observations of your work.

      It will likely come down hard on your father. That is okay. He is a big boy, he made his bed, and he has completely thrown you under the bus this woman is driving. Hopefully he will end up out of the relationship and will someday apologize and the two of you can toast to being free of her.

      1. Amber T*

        Yes, to Tmonster’s last point – OP, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN YOUR FATHER AND JILL. If she treats him poorly (which is sounds like she does) and he decides to dump her, that’s not on you. If she dumps him “because of you,” that’s STILL not on you. She is making a lot of choices, he’s making a lot of choices, but they’re both adults. PLEASE DO NOT LET ANYTHING BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM INFLUENCE YOUR DECISION OF WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU.

        1. Hills to Die on*

          A resounding yes from someone who lived in a very dysfunctional family and separates herself.

        2. Frank Doyle*

          Agreed! This is like when a comic book villain is like “rescue your girlfriend or this train full of citizens!” It doesn’t make it YOUR FAULT that your girlfriend (or a train full of citizens) dies, it’s the villain’s fault.

      2. MuseumChick*

        I think the Boss crazy is so far gone the OP’s father kind of fades into the background in this letter but I just what to say WHAT THE HELL DAD??? The fact that he is letting someone treat his daughter this way and contributing to the problem is INSANE.

      3. Observer*

        I’m going to say that whatever happens between Dad and Jill has nothing to do with the OP. I don’t just mean that it’s not her fault. I mean that it will make absolutely ZERO difference, no matter WHAT the OP does. Because Jill is a sack full of mean crazy and people like that do what they do for their own reasons.

    5. Mustache Cat*

      Yes–OP you mention that board members have gone out of their way to compliment your work before. Speaking as someone in nonprofits, this doesn’t happen as much as it should, which tells me that either you’re stunningly competent or the board members are unusually kind. Either way, you should reach out to them, express some professionally worded concerns about your boss and ask for help with the situation. You can probably even ask them for help with a job search, frankly. I strongly suspect that the board members must have some reservations about your boss that they don’t have enough information yet to act on.

      1. MuseumChick*

        What’s great here is just stating the facts calmly will be enough for any halfway reasonable person to know that boss if off her rocker. All the OP really has to say is “(Boss) has asked me to attend a couples/family therapy appointment with her and my father, who she is dating, to discuss work related matters. I feel extremely uncomfortable about this. When I expressed that (Boss) stated she would make it a requirement for my job. I’m not sure what to do here.” Then as the conversation goes along she can talking about all the unreasonable demands being places on her.

        1. Jesca*

          Yeah, and maybe I would broach in the sense that you wanted to let them know you are actively looking and are hoping to get some recommendations at a later time due to the unreasonable behavior your boss is showing.

      2. Hapless Bureaucrat*

        I think it depends on what OP knows of the Board. If Jill is the founder of ther organization and got to pick the Board, they might be sympathetic to OP but disinclined to do much. Some Boards seem to have brought into the idea that big Personalities get more leeway in their behavior.
        In which case OP going to the Board could backfire– sadly I’ve seen that happen more than once.

        1. Specialk9*

          Yeah but what’s the worst that happens? She loses this job that she already needs to leave, and works at Starbucks? Great. Going to the board might result in a new job with a board member, and/or get her a reference from someone other than Prada Boss.

        2. Apari*

          Yeah, I wouldn’t bother trying to fix the boss situation – I think it’s unfixable and will just cause extra drama for you when you are WAY over quota already – and would focus on trying to fix the ‘I need a new job’ situation. If you approach the board, do it to ask for a reference and if they know anyone with an opening.

    7. blackcat*

      If you at all enjoy caring for the child, register as a babysitter on care.com and the like. You now have experience!

      Do whatever you need to do to get out NOW.

  13. Snarkus Aurelius*

    I’ve been meaning to write a Friday post on all the dysfunctional, unrealistic work environments in television and movies. I was going to come up with a top ten list of most unprofessional, inappropriate workplaces in television and movies. The Mindy Project, specifically Mindy’s and Morgan Tookers’ relationship, was going to be at the top of my list because all the nonsense would never happen in reality.

    Then I read this letter.

    Never mind, OP, never mind

    3. Yes indeed*

      Oh there have been so many terrible ones. At the top of the list are probably like Cheers and House. I never saw The Mindy Project though, but it’s hard to imagine anything topping those two.

      1. A*

        Ally McBeal comes to mind. I’m not even sure why I watched the few episodes that I did; vaguely fascinated horror I suppose.

  14. LemonLime*

    Literally the only thing in my mind as I read this was “Get out, get out, get out!” If there’s any possible way you can quit immediately do it, this job is messing with your health both physically and mentally, and the longer you stay the bigger the impact will be. If it pushes you to a complete burnout/breakdown it will be so much harder to job search and get on a healthier track.

    1. Judy*

      This. Also, if you stay too long it will affect your attitude toward work and your idea of what’s normal, which I think is something Alison has talked about before.

    2. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

      Also, I would not let yourself be fired by this looney tune, I think that would rankle with me for a long time.

  15. fposte*

    OP, others are going to deal with the horribleness of the situation. I’m going to say that if you applied to 275 jobs without getting an interview, read Alison’s resume columns and rewrite your resume, because I bet it’s not helping you the way it should, and right now you need all of the help it can give you.

    Good luck–you need to get out.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I wouldn’t tell either of my parents about applying to anything else or updating my resume. None of it. GET OUT OP!

        1. Hills to Die on*

          I think that’s important. Don’t discuss it with any of them. Just pick up the phone and do it without any hestiation. You have so much support just right here. It will all be okay, I promise.

          1. Detective Amy Santiago*

            Agreed!!!

            And also, if your dad tries to interfere, just keep repeating “I am not discussing my professional life with you.” And if he wants to spend time with you, it can be without Jill.

      2. Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws*

        +1 to all this.

        Also, think about getting in touch with people from your student internship to line up non-Jill references.

      3. serenity*

        In this instance I’d advise OP not to listen to advice from the parents on anything, not just resumes.

      4. General Ginger*

        Yeah, if your mom is giving you such useless advice already, OP, do not involve her or your dad in any of your worksearch stuff.

    3. paul*

      This is major point; read up on resume’s and revise them.

      Frankly, in the meantime, I’d be inclined to work the grill at McDonald’s again rather than stay with Jill.

      1. Hills to Die on*

        Yes! I’ve done it and it was nowhere near as bad as this sounds. Just…anything. You will never regret quitting right this second.

        1. Alldogsarepuppies*

          Same. I quit my first job with less time and less toxic bosses and was able to find a new (great!) within 2 months. Paid me more and better benfits right away.

      2. Nonnon*

        Yep. At the very least, a fast food joint will have some semblance of scheduling and your dad isn’t likely to be dating the manager there. (If he is also dating the manager there, then at least you’d be primo material for the Jeremy Kyle show?)

        1. Breda*

          Jesus, yes. Your schedule won’t be the same from week to week, but you will definitely know what it is the week before, and you will know exactly what your tasks are. (Or, as proposed below, a temp agency!)

        2. Iris Eyes*

          Yes! Because of the bizarre and ever changing schedule it may make it near to impossible to interview for another job while still trying to work with Jill. (This may be part of her strategy, who knows)

    4. Ray Gillette*

      Based on the rest of this, I’d wager dollars to donuts that her parents “helped” with her resume.

      1. Sara without an H*

        Eeek! You’re probably right. OP, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT take any job advice from any of these people.

      2. Hosta*

        Yes, I think this, too. I think Dad helped, and given that Dad and Jill were dating while LW was job searching and Jill is a controlling, invasive monster, I bet she ‘helped’.

    5. Eye of Sauron*

      Agree with this!

      Also going to throw out one more suggestion… get thee to a temp agency to get you out of this situation in the short term. They will probably help you with your resume to get you into placements. You can concentrate on finding a new forever (ok, more permanent position) while you are temping. It’s a win win… exposure, experience, a less crazy workplace, and getting you some independence from your questionable family members.

      2. Washi*

        Another place to look is AmeriCorps positions if you’re at all interested in nonprofits. While they don’t pay much, they’re aimed at new grads without much work experience and I feel really confident that with a half decent resume you wouldn’t have to apply to more than 200 to get accepted. I did an AC role for two terms and am happy to answer questions in the comments!

        1. Eye of Sauron*

          This is a great suggestion. They do a lot of relocated placements too (IIRC), this may be the ticket for the OP to get some space from her family and get some independence.

        2. Flinty*

          Can confirm this. When I was right out of school I applied to like 50 jobs and 3 AmeriCorps positions and got offers from all three AmeriCorps places. I actually ended up turning down a final interview for a “real” job to do the AC one because it was such a good fit for my career! With a grad degree under your belt, you would be even more attractive to AC employers.

        3. August*

          Seconding AmeriCorps positions! There are quite a few (especially the ones based in colleges) that offer housing and meal plans along with the living stipend, I would absolutely recommend looking into them!

          (Also, Washi, I’m currently serving as a VISTA and working on finding a job after my term ends. Any advice? If this is too off-topic, I’d love to discuss it in Friday’s thread!)

          1. Washi*

            You should post on the Friday thread! More details about what you do and are looking for would make the advice more helpful, plus I know there are a bunch of other AmeriCorps alums who read regularly. I’ll keep an eye out for your post :)

      3. RB*

        Yes, this might be a situation where a temp position (or a series of such) is the perfect solution.

    6. WellRed*

      That flagged for me too. Is your resume ok? Are you applying for appropriate jobs?

    7. Marcy Marketer*

      I don’t know, as a new grad with no experience it can be pretty rough out there. You’re competing for entry level jobs with hundreds of applicants. I applied to I think 500, got 11 interviews and 2 offers over the course of five months. I finally got a job in August after graduating in May (but I started applying in March/April). Not saying that Alison’s advice won’t help, but just that it’s tough out there!

      1. AnonymousInfinity*

        To make it a little bit more difficult, LW isn’t just a new college grad, s/he just finished GRAD SCHOOL. I have friends who went from undergrad straight to grad school and then tried to find non-academic work afterward – they were underqualified for half of the jobs due to lack of job experience and overqualified for the other half of the jobs due to the graduate degree (e.g., very few hiring managers are going to consider looking at a Master’s-level applicant for an administrative assistant opening).

        My gut tells me LW needs to be tailoring every cover letter and resume to every job s/he is applying for, and explaining why s/he wants that specific position at that specific company.

      2. fposte*

        It’s rough out there, but it’s likely if she’s getting literally no interviews, her resume could be better than it is.

    8. Midge*

      Also lean HARD on your school’s career center network of employers. (Maybe their advice would also be helpful as well, maybe not. Career centers are known for giving advice like your mom’s about job hunting, so take it with a grain of salt.) They probably have alumni they can put you in touch with who work in the area and field you want to be in. They may even have their own job board with postings that are targeted at new grads.

    9. DrPeteLoomis*

      Thank you for saying this! I was coming here to basically say the same thing. OP, if you are using the same job search strategy now that you used back then, you need to re-evaluate right now and change tactics. Please, please read through the archives here, especially the “resumes” and “cover letters” tags.

      I also want to say that I totally feel for you and I really hope you get out of this situation soon.

  16. A Person*

    My heart breaks for you that you had to ask if any of this is normal.

    May I suggest you try a temp agency if you need income until you find a permanent placement? They may even be able to find you one.

    1. SoSo*

      Absolutely. Everything in this letter is Not Okay. Remove yourself from that job, revamp your resume, and apply apply apply! Get in with a temp or staffing agency in your area and see if they can place you somewhere for the time being- I would be seriously surprised if they couldn’t find you SOMETHING; they usually have open spots all the time that need filled. Even if it means taking part time retail/food service/customer service roles, you can use your extra time to continue job hunting and maybe even take on some volunteer work to help network and find your in for a full time job someplace that isn’t completely off the walls inappropriate.

      1. essEss*

        If you are halfway competent, employers are usually amazed at getting a temp that can do the job and gets your foot in the door for permanent positions. I worked for a temp agency when I had to emergency quit a job (toxic, but nothing like yours) and each place I temped at wanted to find a way to hire me permanently because they kept getting temps that couldn’t even file in alphabetical order. The third place I temped succeeded in creating a position and hired me.

        1. Long Time Reader, First Time Poster*

          Agree — every company I ever temped for offered me a permanent job!

        2. CS Rep By Day, Writer By Night*

          I started my career as a temp when I couldn’t get a job after graduating from college – they sent me to the same place a couple of times to file, and on the second assignment they mentioned a permanent entry level position that had opened up and encouraged me to apply for it. By the time I left that company 8 years later I was senior to the person who supervised my temp assignment! Temping can be a great foot in the door.

        3. The Original K.*

          Yeah, I’ve temped before and would get comments like “How’d you do that so fast?” “Oh, it’s a mail merge, it doesn’t take long.” “The last temp took a week.” ” …?” I temped at one place for a few weeks doing data entry for extra money in between my summer job, which had an end date, and going back to school, and I actually had people tell me I was making them look bad. They wanted to hire me but I was a student returning to school.

          And OP, that will do so much for your confidence – even if the temp positions are “just” temp and don’t lead to anything permanent, it will feel so good to hear “thank you for your help!” vs. the bile Jill spews at you all hours of the day and night.

          1. Snazzy Hat*

            This is an actual conversation I had at my first office temp job (my third time temping, first time working in an office). For context, I was speaking to “Ann”, whose boss’ boss was the department director.
            Ann: Great job, Snazzy! You’re the best!
            me: Thanks! Tell your friends! And your supervisors! Haha!
            Ann: Oh, I already told them!
            me: Wait what?

            Also, don’t worry about temp jobs making you appear flighty. Hiring managers know temping is just an employment style, and good hiring managers and HR folks will either be impressed at your ability to learn things regardless of industry, or be glad to hear you’re more than ready to settle down into something permanent.

    4. AnonEMoose*

      Yes – a temp agency could be a great option. I’ve gotten two jobs (including my current one) that way. Temping can be a great way to learn about different office cultures, meet a lot of people, and get exposure to different companies.

      Probably not much in the way of benefits to be had…but it is a way to keep income coming in, and gain/increase some skills. And even if some assignments are crappy, at least then it has an end date!

      At this point, OP, if there’s a Costco near you and there’s no physical reason you couldn’t handle the work…consider applying there. I hear great things about how they treat their employees.

    5. Indie*

      Temp agencies rock and it’s a good way to ‘date’ a company before marrying them. The last thing you need is toxic workplace #2.

    6. Future Homesteader*

      Plus a million to this! If you happen to be near Boston, my name is linked to the temp agency I used. They were wonderful, and I ended up getting offered several (and taking one very good) permanent job through them!

    7. LilySparrow*

      Temping can be a great resource if you’re just starting out or in transition. They are very strict with the employer about about hours and working conditions, you always have someone you can ask for advice, and you can totally opt out of personality drama.
      If you have basic — really basic — admin skills, you can get work quickly.
      A lot of larger companies use temp-to-perm roles for hiring, because they allow management to really see how you fit in the job. Some of my best permanent jobs came from temp placements.

  17. Caramel & Cheddar*

    Somehow the couples counselling turned out to be not the worst part of this letter? Like it’s bad, but it seems like the cherry on top of a wildly dysfunctional sundae rather than the sundae itself.

    1. Hera Syndulla*

      I know, right?

      If I were a cartoon figure, my mouth would be hitting my desk, halfway through reading this. ööööö

    2. Amber Rose*

      Imagine trying to fit all the not-good stuff here into the title. The title would basically be the length of the letter. =P
      Alison gets brownie points for even coming up with a title, I wouldn’t know where to start.

    3. Observer*

      Yeah, but it’s the one detail that gives you a hint of the craziness about to be unleashed. “My boss wants me to babysit her grandchild, unpaid” doesn’t quite have the same ring. This title does kind of warn you that you’re about to read about some wildly boundary crossing behavior.

    4. CoveredInBees*

      Seriously! I saw the title and thought, “There must be some way that is makes sense…” No. None of this makes sense! It made less and less sense as the letter went on. There are just mounds and mounds of inappropriate going on here. Take it from someone whose 6th grade teacher busted up her parents’ (already rough) marriage while she was in 6th grade in a tiny, gossipy middle school.

      Allison’s suggestion of emotional disconnection is a great one, albeit one that is tough especially earlier in your career. I think you’d be a great candidate for online/ video chat therapy to develop a toolbox for dealing with this situation and not letting it scar you. OP, your boss does not represent the rest of the working world and remember that, due to her incompetence, she probably needs you at least as much as you need your salary.

  18. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    OP, I don’t know if you’re a regular here or not, but I want you to understand how incredibly rare it is for Alison to advise you to take any other job you can possibly get.

    Forget the possibility of going from the frying pan to the fire — right now you’re somewhere near the surface of the sun, and a frying pan will feel nice and cool by comparison. Get out, and get out now, because this is only going to get worse, and it’s going to take your sanity with it.

    1. Secretary*

      I second this. I read Alison say to quit with nothing lined up if you can afford to and I did a dramatic gasp. I’m not sure she’s ever advised that before.

      1. Jackie Paper*

        I spent at least two years once trying to get out of a toxic job situation and was getting nowhere. It was nowhere as bad as this, but I was still grinding my teeth in my sleep and was diagnosed with dangerously high blood pressure at the age of 29. Finally I decided I couldn’t do it anymore and put in my notice.

        Six weeks later I had a job that paid significantly better than my previous one, with an awesomely nice and reasonable boss, walking distance to my house. Not to say it would necessary work out that way for the OP, but hopefully it would. Sometimes not working frees you up from the stress so you can devote all of your time to the job search. I wish I had left years earlier …

        OP, you don’t deserve this kind of treatment, and my advice would be get out asap. (Also maybe only see your dad alone without the boss from now on, or not at all for awhile if that’s what it takes)

        1. Lindsay Geeee*

          I had a similar situation! Horrible boss, similar tactics to Jill in this letter for a year and trying desperately to find something after graduating with a masters. I took the plunge and put in my notice- within a few weeks I had 3 job offers- one which was in my field and basically my dream job. Not saying that will necessarily happen but I genuinely believe good karma comes to you once you get the courage to stand up for yourself and get the F outta there.

          1. AnonymousInfinity*

            Yeah. This is big advice.

            If it helps, OP: I left my last job with nothing lined up for the sake of my health (mental, emotional, physical). I couldn’t truly afford it (but I also didn’t manage my money the way I should have after I left). I landed at my current company within two months, and, although it took 3 years, I now make more money than ever before, have far better benefits, have incredibly supportive bosses, and have built a dream career from the crater that was my life in 2015. About four times a week, as I drive to work, I think about all the work-choices I made and how easily I could not have ended up where I am, and it scares me how close I came to not having This. Leaving my last job with nothing lined up was the best thing I ever did for myself, in that moment and in the long-term.

      2. Jules the 3rd*

        She has, about three times that I remember.

        In 10 years.

        Yeah, OP, congrats, it’s *that* bad.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        It’s also rare for Alison to offer to do a free resume review. OP, please, please let Alison take a look. She can make a difference in YOUR LIFE! Life does not have to be this hard. It just doesn’t.

    2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Also, to combat that “what if I’m just an entitled millennial” brainweasel, think of the number of people on this post, the vast majority of us well into our professional lives, who are breaking out in screaming hives at the mere thought of your work environment. It’s so not just you. Based on this description, I wouldn’t trust Jill with a houseplant, let alone an assistant.

      1. k.k*

        Most post have a bunch of comments disagreeing or playing devil’s advocate, but not here. OP – your job is so bad that you got and internet comments section to agree on something.

        1. Goya de la Mancha*

          “your job is so bad that you got and internet comments section to agree on something.”

          Jill has managed to produce a unified and peaceful comment section, does that mean we have to give her an award now? :-/

            1. Tardigrade*

              Wait, I read that wrong. I see you’re talking about OP’s boss and not OP herself.

              1. Creag an Tuire*

                I’m fine with OP’s boss getting “promoted to customer” (or donor, rather), too. :P

          3. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

            No, it means she’s now qualified to handle the Middle East conflict and we should send her there with immediate effect!

    3. smoke tree*

      Yeah, one thing to consider is that apart from eroding your health and well-being, spending time in this job is exposing you to really toxic workplace norms, and so the sooner you can move from that to a sane workplace, the easier it will be to move on.

      1. Galatea*

        This this this, OP!!!

        Shedding the weird habits from a bad workplace can be astonishingly difficult — GTFO-ing for your mental and physical health is definitely priority one right now, but please believe me when I say getting out of this unbelievably bad environment sooner rather than later will help you in your professional life down the road.

    4. Beth*

      That line stood out to me too. It’s unlike Alison (in a way I totally agree with, given the situation!!) This work environment is destroying your sense of normal, killing your health, and destroying your confidence and sense of self-worth. Get as far away from it as you can, as soon as you can.

    1. Half-Caf Latte*

      And now that I have regained the ability to form words:

      what kind of therapist would agree to this?!!?!!!

      1. Hills to Die on*

        It wouldn’t surprise me if Jill has that therapist in her manipulative grip as well. People like Jill surround themselves with other people who they can control and who believe their lies. There is a reason why Jill wants OP at therapy so badly, and it’s not because the therapist is calling Jill out on her behavior.

        1. Old Admin*

          I agree.
          I have unfortunately met therapists who were manipulated by other family members and fed the sickness instead of addressing it.
          A later acquaintance boasted to me who many female therapists he’d gotten laid with! 0_o

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            WTH. W T H. Laid by the therapist? OH HELL NO. Just him *trying* do that would send any decent therapist running in the opposite direction.

            1. Old Admin*

              Oh yes. He was very good at seducing them.
              One reacted professionally after seduction and terminated therapy, others were not so preofessional.
              This is just an example that therapists are frail human beings who can also stumble, be manipulated etc.

      2. Clorinda*

        It’s entirely possible that the therapist HASN’T agreed, and it will be sprung on him/her under some version of “this adult child is part of our couple issues” rather than the shambles it is. On the other hand, I wouldn’t take the chance on the therapist being the voice of sanity. Don’t go there. Do all the other things everyone is recommending. You may need therapy when the dust settles, OP, but go by yourself!

        1. DivineMissL*

          Agreed. When I left my husband, he suddenly decided to go into therapy to “work on himself”. He told me that the therapist wanted me to come in to speak to him to get some background information, and I went in in order to help him. When I got there, it turned out that my ex had told the therapist that he wanted me to come in for “couples” therapy, but the therapist had told my ex that he had a long way to go to work on himself first, before there could be any chance of talking to me about reconciling. Ex had told the therapist that I wanted to come in to talk to him, which was his way of getting me there for the “couples” therapy without actually telling me or the therapist that that was what he had in mind. It did not work, and there was no reconciliation. Jill may be trying to manipulate the therapist as well.

          1. Ama*

            I worked for a family therapist years ago and she was *more* likely to agree or even request that other family members come in when she suspected that the original patient was giving her a very selectively edited version of what was actually going on. If she thought it wouldn’t put the additional member at risk she’d quite often have them come in and talk to her separately so she could get their thoughts without the other party interrupting or intimidating them.

  20. Not Maeby But Surely*

    Yikes. You have my sympathy, LW. I think ANY job paying at least minimum wage has got to be better than this. Move up the ladder at a fast food place; with admin skills you could probably be a supervisor in a couple months, manager within a year or two, and then you’ve got a nice solid job history to help you move back into your preferred field. Get out as soon as you can.

  21. Sled dog mama*

    Two things
    1) RUN as far and fast as you can. Once you are out go see your own therapist because this woman will still be dating your father.

    2) Alison if you want us to stop believing in WTF Wednesdays you’ve got to stop posting these on Wednesdays

    1. Angela Ziegler*

      I didn’t realize WTF Wednesdays were a thing here, but now that you’ve mentioned it, it makes sense!

      1. MuseumChick*

        Alison has asked that we stop using “WTF Wednesdays” as it can come off mean spirited to the letter writer.

      2. Hills to Die on*

        haha –Alison doesn’t like htem because she doesn’t want the posters to think they are the ones being called crazy. But I think we’ve all been pretty clear on where this crazy blame lies….

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It’s really not a thing! I have made a pointed effort to ensure outrageous letters are not always posted on Wednesdays, but occasionally they will be because it’s one of the days! This is like the “40% of sick days are taken on Mondays and Fridays” thing.

        1. I Like Pie*

          Because by Wednesday we’re all likely ready for something to help propel us towards the weekend. Letters like this, the outrageousness of it all, can keep me going for the next two days easy.

          “Man the boss is a real *@#^@ today!… at least they don’t want me to go to therapy” kinda feeling.

          I feel so awful for OP. I would’ve lost my cool and snapped by now. Either directly at Jill or document and report to anyone higher up that I could. Unless your not an Exec Assist. for her at the actual non-profit. If it’s just her personal Executive Assistant, oh man. I’d burn that bridge and tell my dad to call me when he makes it across, too. Good luck OP. You deserve better.

      2. Green*

        I came here to say that I actually had no idea what day it was this week until I read this letter and realized it must be Wednesday. I KNOW YOU WANT WTF WEDNESDAYS TO DIE, but then you taunt us with … couples counseling with dad as a work requirement? I feel like you’re just messing with us now. :)

  22. Kat*

    “It’s a pattern of short-term stays that’s a problem, not one of them. And if interviewers ask why you left this job, you can say, “My boss started dating my father, and it became too awkward to stay there.” Believe me, everyone will understand that. You will receive sympathy gasps.”

    100% this! Take care of yourself LW! We are rooting for you and your wellbeing.

    1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Yep. I think “My boss and my dad started dating” is an ironclad reason to leave a job. You don’t even need to get into the “and then things went absolutely friggin bananas” part.

      (On the other hand, it is almost certainly helpful to gloss over the part where they were dating before you were hired.)

      1. LouiseM*

        Yeah, this is…actually a total lie. She got the job *because* her boss was dating her father. It was a personal favor. I wouldn’t address this at all on a job interview.

        1. lyonite*

          I think “my boss and my dad were dating, and it was a total disaster” would fit the bill of being both true, and a totally understandable reason to leave a job, however she got it in the first place.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I would think the best way to phrase it would be “my dad is dating my boss”. That doesn’t get into any timelines or make it obvious that she obtained the job because of this connection and it’s also not an outright falsehood.

          1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

            Agreed. This is terrible and you get sympathy from folks you tell about it, but the key is to present yourself as calm, professional, and clearly separate from the dysfunction. Absolutely do not prevaricate or mislead folks — that would place you right in the middle of the chaos rather than setting yourself apart from it.

            You could say something like: “My father is dating my boss. I knew that when I was hired, but I didn’t realize how many problems that would cause. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished there, like XYZ, but it’s not somewhere that I can stay long-term.”

            2. Midge*

              I like this a lot. It represents the situation accurately and allows you to talk about your accomplishments. I don’t love the phrasing where it sounds like they started dating after you got the job, because that’s just not true. (And the perception that you’re misrepresenting what happened is probably worse than admitting that you made a judgement call that went way sideways.)

            3. AnonMurphy*

              AKA “I promise it’s not MY good sense/judgment that’s in question here”

        3. k.k*

          It could be reworded to “My boss and my father are in a relationship and it became too awkward to stay.” Most interviewers will think that’s totally reasonable and not dig in to clarify when they started dating or other details.

        4. Colette*

          Generally, I’m in favour of telling the truth, but in this case, “my boss started dating my dad” will explain why she left as well as why she can’t get a reference from her boss. If she wants to phrase it as “I left because my boss was dating my dad” without mentioning when that started, that would be more honest, but either way, she should explain leaving that way.

        5. Observer*

          It’s not a total lie. And while I wouldn’t get into the timeline with another boss, the person to blame here is Dad, who should never have brought his kid into the picture. As soon as I read that he offered to get her the job I started thinking “NOOOOOOOO, Don’t DO that! This will NOT end well.” Which turns out to have been an understatement.

          But, from the point of view of an interview “My Dad was dating my boss and it got really uncomfortable” is true.

          If an interviewer digs and figures out the time line, all the OP needs to do is to acknowledge that it was a rookie mistake and that she should never have taken the job. Now, she’s looking for a hob where she can do good work and stay away from drama.

        6. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Oh gosh, you are right. I worded it badly and didn’t mean it to be misleading. But the gist is the same — a very brief explanation. Victoria Nonprofit’s wording is excellent.

      2. SoCalHR*

        I don’t think a lie/lie by omission is necessary. Saying something like “I started working for my dad’s girlfriend and, as you can imagine, it ended up not being the best situation.” As Alison notes, most interviewers will totally think “oh yeah that’s not a great situation” and since she’s young and it was her first job I think there will be grace for that ‘mistake’.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Yes! Other people may have to make noises about seeking different challenges, but OP, no one is going to find “My boss and my dad started dating” an inexplicable reason to look for work with people categorically uninterested in dating your father.

    3. Creag an Tuire*

      Although as LouiseM points out, that wording is a little misleading, since it implies the relationship began after OP started working there (which would be extremely inappropriate), when the reality is that her dad convinced her to work for his girlfriend. (A nuance I think AAM might have missed?)

      OP, I think you’ll still be fine if you just say “Cruella McAwfulBoss is actually dating my father, who’s also heavily involved in the business — I’m grateful to them for giving me to opportunity to gain some professional experience, but I think it’s best for me to separate my career and my home life.”

    4. StrikingFalcon*

      I don’t know that it’s even necessary to get into that much. “The work hours were never established even a day ahead of time and I need something with more predictability” alone is a good reason to leave. There’s so much else here it’s mind boggling, but seriously this piece alone would be a reason to get out.

  23. ContentWrangler*

    Holy guacamole. This entire situation is so bonkers. And it is clearly not good for you at all, OP. The fact that you are wondering if this is happening because you’re a bad worker or a millennial (which I just bet is the result of some of Jill’s insults) means that you are losing perspective on what’s normal in an adult working relationship. You are absolutely not the problem. Run run run away from this job. And also, even if eventually your father comes to his senses and ends his relationship with this horrid woman, he is going to need to do some serious work to regain your trust.

    1. Fish Microwaver*

      Yep, you are starting to circle the drain when you begin to believe that you could be the problem. Get out any way you can.

  24. bunniferous*

    Is this a family systems therapist? It might be grossly inappropriate for a work relationship but in a sense this is family dysfunctionality as well as work hell-is it possible the therapist would be willing to tell THEM what horrid people they are being?

    But yeah, don’t go, let her fire you, get workman’s comp, because this is NOPE to the highest power.

    1. Whitley*

      I’m a family therapist intern and my eyes just kept getting wider reading through this letter. Family therapists are generally encouraged to get as many members of the family in the therapy room as possible since systems thinking needs us to assess how any issue is impacting each person and conversely, how any person impacts the issue. However, it seems to me that this is clearly an attempt by them to triangulate you into their couple relationship, like maybe she’s threatening to leave him because she’s so stressed out aka her assistant isn’t great? I would be hopeful that a good therapist would see this and call this out, but even so I completely understand why LW wouldn’t want to go to that session! There’s just no telling what you would be walking into at this point. LW, your dad and his girlfriend have NO idea what proper boundaries are/look like. It is not only perfectly acceptable for you to set a boundary by quitting this job ASAP and maybe taking a communication break from them after, it’s something you need to do for your own mental health. I tell my clients all the time, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” Their relationship is not your responsibility to fix. Good luck and hang in there!

      1. Jesca*

        “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

        Beautiful. Love it. Stealing it as a personal mantra!

      2. Gadget Hackwrench*

        Oh good, I’m not the only one who thought this was triangulation. I got pretty far down this page before I saw anyone else use the word. It really is.

    2. EB*

      I’m definitely mostly on team “do not step foot in that therapist’s office” but the thought had occurred to me that it might not be the WORST thing assuming the therapist is a true professional and will gently call out how ridiculous the entire situation is.

      On the flip side, I have a friend that “shops around” for therapists that reinforce her worldview and will keep her on a specific set of meds. Because most therapists are pretty great from my experience, they typically tend to eventually figure out what’s going on but yeah… I’d run away from “this is the fifth family therapist we’ve found but s/he is great!”

    3. mrs__peel*

      “let her fire you”

      I wouldn’t assume that the girlfriend-boss would fire her. She’ll probably want to keep her around as long as possible because she gets a kick out of being abusive.

    4. Tardigrade*

      I am hoping for a delicious update to this letter that includes a big helping of the therapist telling boss and dad what jacked up people they are.

    5. A*

      Hmmmmm… LW could both satisfy [our] curiosity AND avoid the session by asking for the therapist’s contact and then calling to ask about the planned session and then let them know why they won’t be going

      [no don’t really do that LW it’s best to disengage entirely ]

  25. bumbletea*

    This is like a horror movie. Run, OP! I hope you find a better place and are able to move on from this. Definitely don’t go to the couple’s therapist from hell, but it could help to find your own therapist (later on, if you can’t now) to work through what this had done to your mental health. This is a hard situation to be in.

  26. strawberries and raspberries*

    All I have is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    Seriously, I’m hyperventilating right there with you. I’ve done PA work for similar delusional charlatans and been treated the same way, and it’s so absolutely demoralizing. I am sure you will be able to find another job with no issue, and I’m so sorry that your father seems like he’s so twisted in Jill’s snare that he permits this treatment of you.

  27. Jill_P*

    I think this is the work version of a House of Evil Bees? Please get out however you can, OP. This is bonkers.

    1. SeluciaV*

      YES. THIS. The OP’s life has been invaded by a swarm – nay, a veritable HORDe – of Evil Bees!

      It is not in your head OP. There is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with this situation you find yourself in. Trust your instincts, let Allison help you with your resume (what an awesome opportunity!), and get the hell out of there.

      I feel like this is another letter that would have made for an awesome AAM/CA collaboration. Work issues! Family issues! Boundary crossing left and right! HORDE OF EVIL BEES!

    2. MuseumChick*

      YES! This is text book House of Evil Bees. I would say its also the work version of Leave the Hoard.

  28. Drew*

    My dearest OP, everything Alison has said is true.

    You are not the problem. Jill is horrid. Your father is wrong to put this situation on your shoulders. Your mom is wrong to tell you not to leave. This entire situation is (to borrow a Captain Awkward-ism) full of evil bees.

    Concrete steps to take:

    1) Stop telling your mother about this situation except in the vaguest of terms. She is giving you bad advice and urging you to stay somewhere that is bad for your health.

    2) Flatly refuse to attend any sort of counseling with Jill. She is your boss, not a family member, and it is extremely inappropriate of her even to suggest it. And I wouldn’t go to counseling with your dad, either, until you’re out from under Jill and the counseling can be about your relationship with him without involving your job at all. (You needn’t do this, either, unless you want to.)

    3) Get a new job. ANY new job. This is not a time when you need to consider your career; this is a time when you need to consider your health and, frankly, safety. This is an emergency situation and you don’t have the luxury of waiting for the exact right job to come along. Get clear of Jill and her horrible, toxic ways and then you can be more choosy.

    4) Keep telling yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong here. This is a terrible job working for an abusive boss and you have gone well above and beyond what anyone could ask. You aren’t being disloyal for leaving. Take care of yourself.

    Hoping to hear a positive update very soon!

    2. Lindsay Geeee*

      I would add to this- quit immediately. Don’t resign or give notice, because it will likely escalate once she knows you’re leaving and will make things much much worse before you leave. Just get out of there. Also, as someone whose father married the evil step mother from hell, make it very clear to him what your relationship will look like (hopefully without Jill) and stick to that.

      1. Indie*

        Oh good call. Any notice period would get even more toxic. Quit by text and never set foot again.

        1. Iris Eyes*

          And if it is your personal cell number she has know that there is a strong likelihood that you will need to block her number, and possibly also your Dad’s. You will need to probably set strong boundaries with your Dad which should at minimum be absolutely no Jill, none, no messages from her, no comments about her, nothing and also no job talk. Know that as long as they are together anything you say (like where you are applying) is likely to make it back to Jill who could attempt to sabotage your attempts.

  29. Rachel01*

    Quit. Than look at temporary and job placement agencies in your area. You can get an income working through a few of them. I’ve gone that a few times if moving into a new area. You may be able to find something temp to perm. This job will suck the life out of your so that you will not have the energy to job search. It will also distort your reality and turn you into someone else.

    Self care is mandatory in this case. Just quit (tell them they are both crazy — if you want to), wait tables, do something to have an income while finding another permanent position elsewhere. If you can, take 2 – 3 days to mentally decompress before job searching.

    1. Beancounter in Texas*

      Yes – this. If you can afford to, take some time off to mentally & emotionally refresh yourself.

      I worked for a small business with very similar behavior from the owner. Fortunately, I had the means to quit on the spot, but it took me a couple of days to come down from the stressed-to-the-hilt panic to which I had become accustomed. Eventually I joined a temporary agency and found a great regular job that way. Good luck.

      And send us an update!

  30. Cheesesticks and Pretzels*

    OP, this sounds like it may be your first job out of school. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! Real jobs and professional workplaces do not operate like this.
    Listen to your friends and leave.

  31. Leave it to Beaver*

    Quit. Seriously, take a retail job to hold things over and quit. An irregular, unscheduled, toxic job is not a way to make ends meet. And quit x2 if the job has nothing to do with the career you want to pursue (which it sounds might be the case, which means there’s even less of a reason to stay… you can find other unrelated career jobs that won’t be massively dysfunctional).

    1. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

      Yes to taking a retail job while you continue to job search! I worked in a grocery store after I left my first job out of college (which was dysfunctional AF, but nothing like this next-level-banana-pants-toxic situation), and my only regret was not quitting that first job sooner. The grocery store turned out to be pretty fun. Those were the best coworkers I ever had. OP, please know that your workplace isn’t normal, you are not trapped, and this isn’t forever. Good luck!

    1. babblemouth*

      This sentence made me sad: “I feel like maybe I’m just being a millenial and don’t have what it takes to be successful.”
      So many awful thinkpieces on entitled millenials have been written that it now feels like we’re gaslighting half a generation to not see red flags when they are there.

      Jill is like a cartoon evil stepmother. Listen to your friends. If you don’t quit immediately, start saving money like crazy to build a cushion so you can quit ASAP.
      I’d also like to add that no therapist worth their salt would think forcing you into therapy is a useful idea. Either the therapist will nope out of this as much as you, or they are not any good.

      1. many bells down*

        Seriously! You’re not being an “entitled millennial” for wanting your job to have regular hours and clearly defined tasks. You’re not entitled for not wanting to be screamed at, verbally or in emails, and especially not over tasks you’ve already done. Those are all perfectly normal things to want from your job.

      2. Angela Ziegler*

        That got to me too! A lot of that anti-millennial mentality comes from older generations who have had stable jobs for 10-20 years and own homes. It was really heartbreaking to see OP believing those lies and blaming herself!

        1. Dust Bunny*

          Yeah, this. (I’m Gen X so I’m neither, for the record.) I don’t want to hear about entitled millennials from Boomers who had affordable-er college, pensions, etc. I’m generally over the generational wars but when my parents used to carp cluelessly about how they had insurance through the university and a nice stipend . . . just zip it. That’s not how grad school works any more, or my siblings would have taken advantage of all those things.

          1. SpaceNovice*

            Yup, my dad was able to pay for his college with summer internships. Which were a dime a dozen for him because the need for programmers/software engineers were exploding at the time. (Both my parents understand how affordability works in this day and age for a variety of things, though.)

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Gen X here too, and that makes me so mad. Even our generation is having problems because of this stupid attitude. I watched this situation change over time–those of us who didn’t get ahead from the get-go are in the same exact place as millennials, only we’re on the sunset side of that and it will probably never get better for us. :(

            1. JessaB*

              And us boomers who didn’t get the 20 years and gold watch are finding that every year we survive we get farther away from a Social Security cheque. A not very great one either, but we have to work longer and longer to get even what our “greatest generation” parents got. It is highly possible that by the time I cross the current requirement it will have moved up to 70 if the government has their way. And I was a white collar worker, I pity the blue collar who has to haul hay or drive trucks or work an assembly line.

              It ain’t easy and it isn’t the fault of the young people at all. They got it worse than we did. And probably given the way the world is going their kids will get it worse than them. Especially in the very very non labour friendly USA.

              It makes me sick that people are trying to convince the OP that she’s some kind of entitled person because of when she got born. It’s stupid and it’s wrong.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Every generation loses something. My grandmother had free nursing home care as a widow on her late husband’s retirement plan.
                My father had to hospitalize my mother every four months to get the nursing home covered under insurance. He had to find docs who would play the game with him.
                If I need a nursing home I will be signing my house over to the state.

          3. MissCarrion*

            I kind-of laughed when you said “affordable-er college” – for boomers here university was FREE. Their whole age group got free tertiary education. Then they all became politicians and decided that it wasn’t fair to give people free education any more because they couldn’t put their salaries up that way, so canned it.
            Bitter, who, me? Never!

            1. Specialk9*

              I mean, the white Boomers got their college for free with the GI Bill, but few people of color did. To wit – what you said but worse.

        2. Gazebo Slayer*

          The anti-millennial thinkpiece crap absolutely is gaslighting – and I think it’s deliberate. It’s older, wealthier folks propagandizing for a steady supply of demoralized workers with low self-esteem who’ll accept abuse, blame themselves for everything, and be grateful for anything they get.

      3. Turquoisecow*

        “So many awful thinkpieces on entitled millenials have been written that it now feels like we’re gaslighting half a generation to not see red flags when they are there.”

        Oh god, yes. It’s not entitled to protect yourself and ask for reasonable accommodations. It’s not entitled to want to work normal hours. It’s not entitled to want respectful feedback rather than batshit crazy demands like Jill is giving. OP, age has nothing to do with this!!

      4. Eye of Sauron*

        I’ll admit to eye rolling at some of the millennial characteristics (most notably the follow your passion hoohaa) , but yeah… you’re spot on with your comment.

        The only thing in this situation that could be credited to the OP being a millennial is if the parents have a higher than healthy involvement in the OPs life and not having the life experience to recognize the situation for how bizarre it really is.

        OP is in no way responsible for any of this crazy and needs to concentrate on G(ing)TFO…

        1. Alton*

          I wouldn’t even call the “follow your passion” thing a *millennial* idea. If anything, I think it’s older generations who have instilled some sadly outdated ideas about what college and a bachelor degree can lead to and what it’s possible to obtain on an entry-level salary. No generation is immune to having unrealistic expectations. Millennials suffer from lack of experience and the people who advise them often suffer from having come of age in a different economy and job market.

          1. LBK*

            FWIW most millennials do not actually suffer a lack of experience at this point – it depends what definition you use but the oldest millennials are almost 40! Most millennials have been working for at least a decade.

            1. Eye of Sauron*

              That’s a good point… I think ‘they’ need to come up with a new group so the older millennials have a group to point to… either that or bring back the Gen Y label :)

              1. LBK*

                Gen Z is supposed to be the generation after, but it seems the grouchy boomers writing WSJ op-eds are determined to just call everyone born after 1980 a millennial for all eternity.

                1. Tardigrade*

                  We’re all based on the same robot model, but newer versions get upgraded parts.

              2. Gadget Hackwrench*

                Us older Millenials do have a Generation of our own to point to! Kind of… we share it with some late X-ers. It’s the cusp generation between X and Millenials, 1977-1985. We’re referred to as “The Xennials,” “Generation Catalano,*” and my personal favorite “The Oregon Trail Generation.” (Sorry for all the dysentery jokes… that’s on us.) It’s basically made up of the people who grew up WITH home computing. Not HAVING home computing, like the rest of the Millennial, but CONCURRENTLY with home computing. We’re Analog AND Digital Native. It’s a pretty cool time to have been born.

          2. GreyjoyGardens*

            I’m on the leading edge of GenX/”Generation Jones” and this “follow your passion! Do what you love!” has been around since *at least* the 80’s. I remember aaaallll the self-help books with this theme. I think this was always BS, but there *was* a time when college degrees were rarer, and college less expensive, *and* good jobs less concentrated in a few big cities, when it was much easier to get a good or good-ish job with a generic college degree and be the big fish in the small pond.

            I think this might have started with the parents of the boomer generation saying “Don’t work in a factory like me! That’s soul-killing! Go to college and get a nice desk job!” Which was not an entitled thing to suggest. I think it sort of morphed sometime in the 80’s to the “Do what you love, the money will follow” which can be very toxic.

            Add to this that before the internet, it was harder to match jobs with candidates so just dropping off your resume, cold-calling, and other Gumptioneering ™ tricks and gimmicks did work some of the time.

            Either way, I think it is harder for Kids These Days *as well as* anyone of any age who has to look for a job now. Things have changed, changed utterly, and this is why parents (or Uncle “Old Economy” Steve) don’t have a clue.

      5. BetterBeAnonymous*

        OP, I can feel your pain. I have spent nearly two years in an extremely toxic work environment, and my parents have made it clear that (in their opinion) the problem is me, and I’m an entitled millennial. I accepted a position that I knew I was not qualified for, after making that clear to my interviewers and being promised training on my position (that training never happened). I was screamed at repeatedly for not completing projects that I was never informed existed or were my responsibility. I have been called sexist for making an official complaint about my abusive (female) boss (I am male) to my NPO’s BOD. I have stuck it out this long because I needed a job, and my mental health is non-existent. I have panic attacks about work on a regular basis, and I am just now managing to work my way out of this situation (by quitting with nothing lined up.) Your situation sounds so much worse that I can’t even imagine how you survived 7 months in that job.
        Good luck getting out of hell.

        1. SpaceNovice*

          First off: good luck! Second off: it’s awful that your parents won’t let themselves realize how horrible your situation is. It’s definitely horrible and you weren’t given what you were told you would get, so therefore you couldn’t succeed. (There are techniques about how to write emails to people so they’ll read the entire thing before you ask them to call or talk to you–maybe look up how to do that if your parents are simply not listening instead of having very skewed views of what is abusive and isn’t?) None of what you’re dealing is what you’d experience at a normal, healthy workplace, either.

        2. Specialk9*

          I hope that you get out of this toxic workplace, and find ways of relating to your parents that doesn’t give them keys to your self-worth, because they’re not trustworthy with that.

  33. Christine*

    Your last paragraph makes me *livid* on your behalf, LW, because I’m a millenial too and I hate hate HATE that we’ve had these messages of being so entitled and unable to hack it in the real world and all that other BS that when so many of us wind up in genuinely awful, abusive situations, we end up going “well maybe all those thinkpieces are right and I’m just a whiny kid.”

    You are not a whiny kid. You sound like a smart, thoughtful, hard-working person who is, as mentioned before, in an abusive job situation. Alison is right. Update your resume, get help from your friends (who are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about getting out of this job asap), and find another job fast. Hell, if you need a reference from this job, it sounds like the board members like you and might be willing to go to bat for you. Just. Dear god. Get out, as soon as you can.

    1. Jady*

      I’m a millennial. Maybe this is going off topic, but personally, I wear it as a badge of pride, and wish others would too.

      We’re supposedly “entitled” because we want good pay, to be treated well, to value life and family over work, spend our money on experiences over things, embrace technology, challenge authority, don’t blindly follow orders, prioritize ourselves over companies (given the companies do the same), want affordable housing and healthcare and childcare, want taxes spent to improve peoples lives at home, want affordable healthy foods, want the same benefits and protection employees in other countries have, etc etc and so on.

      Yes, that’s me. I do feel we’re all entitled to these things. Regardless of generation, age, gender, race, disability, and so on.

      If that makes any of us a bad person, well middle-finger to you.

      2. SpaceNovice*

        +1, this is exactly how I feel as a millennial. We’re not entitled… so many older generations are used to being treated badly that they’ve got Stockholm Syndrome or they just don’t care to realize what the economic environment is now compared to what it was when they were our age.

      4. MissCarrion*

        +1 from me too.

        The thing I always, always, ALWAYS tell boomers when they pull the entitled millennial shtick is that they are the only generation, in the history of the world, that hasn’t actively worked to make the world a better place for the generation after them. Their parents did, their grandparents did, their great-grandparents did. And millennials and Gen Z have taken up the same principle. But boomers? They took what they were given, used the lot, destroyed the planet and the economy, and are now mad that we aren’t happy getting table scraps while they keep themselves comfortable.

      5. Renna*

        +10000. Older millennial here – I was once at a work event where I was stuck in a room with a bunch of Boomers and we were discussing generation differences. I may have made people uncomfortable after someone brought up that we don’t have respect. “I think we do, our parents just taught us that respect is earned.” No kowtowing to money or titles for me, I respect people who treat other people with respect. End of discussion. You can’t treat people the way they teach you to in preschool, you don’t have my respect. Also heavy sarcasm with “We want people to be treated decently, Gosh, how awful.”

      6. Specialk9*

        I was at a conference session lately about millennials, and everything they said millennials wanted, I was like ME TOO!
        *Work that matters (yes!)
        *My work matters to the mission (yup)
        *Flexibility (yes!!)
        *Respect (duh)
        *Work life balance
        *Having a voice (mm-hmm)

        So, basically, things everyone wants but they’re making them a priority and making stagnant corporations sit up and take notice?

        Oh yeah and they budget and save like mofos, unlike my generation or the one before.

        Millennials are superheroes, apparently. Thanks guys!

        -Gen Xer

    2. Lara*

      I sometimes wonder if that dialogue is *designed* to keep employees in abusive situations.

    3. ArtsNerd*

      Everyone has covered my thoughts so well throughout this comments section, but I want to add:

      Any time I am wallowing in self-pity or feeling whiny, it’s because I AM IN A BAD SITUATION AND NEED HELP. I am not a whiny person; I am not a self-pitying person. My tolerance for stress and dysfunction is higher than our peers who were not raised in dysfunction. If I’m feeling like my life is hard, there is *something in my life that is legitimately hard.*

      I can guarantee this is true for you too, OP. We’re all pulling for you. Good luck.

  34. tink*

    You have all of my sympathy, OP. Please do whatever you can to escape this awful situation.

  35. Pontoon Pirate*

    And it sounds like your friends are already concerned for your health – leverage that concern. Ask them to practice interviewing with you; if any of them are good editors, ask them to look at your cover letters. Go over Alison’s best-of advice with them and talk about how you can apply it.

    This is a tough battle, but you get to pick your soldiers, which will be really important for you as you extricate yourself from this truly untenable and unhealthy situation. Best of luck.

  36. OlympiasEpiriot*

    Leave. Get a job doing almost anything else. Cleaning toilets is useful work and with the right manager, you’ll be left alone to do it.

    I mean, honestly, this is run-away-to-sea level of horrible work environments. The family situation isn’t so great either.

    Do you have any bookeeping or accounting skills? Apply to Doctors Without Borders. The pay is a pittance, but you live on site, medical is all covered (obviously) and you get amazing experience. They don’t only hire doctors and nurses. It would also get you out of the country for a while and lots of the assignments don’t have constant phone access for individuals except in emergency so any mess that goes down back home you won’t know about for a week.

      1. OlympiasEpiriot*

        I’m in construction and have carpentry & handyperson skills. Once my kid is comfortably into college (not long now), I am probably going to their logistics section if they’ll have me. I think I will be far more satisfied getting a diesel generator to run at a hospital somewhere than building yet another luxury condo for millionaires. My kid has also expressed interest in applying to university NOT in the US and has been teaching himself Portuguese and Spanish so, hey, he probably will be somewhere else, too.

        1. Kvothe*

          You sound like you might actually do better with Engineers without Boarders! They focus more on building infrastructure for communities and I’m fairly certain you don’t have to actually be an engineer to get involved.

          1. OlympiasEpiriot*

            I am an engineer and EWB mostly runs on volunteers. They don’t have a stipend, they aren’t as well-distributed, they don’t do year assignments with a roof over your head, and, well, nope.

            I mean, their work is great and valuable, but, also, MSF is entirely independent with their donations, that is how they are almost always actually protected even in war zones. They are also even more of a first-in, last-out than any military special forces. Definitely more my personality skill set.

        2. mrs__peel*

          FYI, in some countries (e.g., Finland), more and more classes are being taught in English so you don’t even necessarily have to be fluent in another language.

          If I ever have kids, I would definitely encourage them to look at universities outside the US.

          1. OlympiasEpiriot*

            My kid and I had a conversation about this after he picked up a catalogue for a English language program in Switzerland. I said that in my opinion that defeats the purpose of going abroad. Language is culture and you can’t get proper exposure to the culture without knowing the language. Ideally, if he went to Switzerland, I’d expect him to be speaking French, Schwiizertüütsch, Romanch and Italian when he came to visit me.

            I suppose if you are doing some kind of business degree and going back to an English speaking place after, it doesn’t matter; but, it doesn’t help true cultural fluency to me. I still remember being shocked and rather disappointed in Harvard when a high school friend went there, did International Studies with a concentration in South America and Brazil (specifically) and didn’t have to show ANY competency, much less fluency, in Portuguese or Spanish. I mean, how do you do primary source research?! (I was still in H.S. at the time, she was a year ahead of me. I was flabbergasted.)

            1. Just Employed Here*

              Going abroad and doing something in your mother tongue there at first is a perfectly fine strategy. That way, you’ll get experience of living in a country, and can immerse yourself in the language outside of class, while not being hampered academically by your lack of language skills in the beginning.

              I’m not even sure whether your Swiss example is sincere — you know hardly any *Swiss* people speak Romansh, right? And that the different official languages are spoken in different areas? So it would be pretty absurd to expect a foreign student to go ahead and learn all four of them.

              1. OlympiasEpiriot*

                All the Swiss people I know have learned some Romanch in school. I would expect him to spend a year minimum in the country (any country) enrolled in language classes and actively staying away from English speaking expat communities b/c they are notorious for not being of a place.

                Anyhow, I don’t want to derail this more. We can pick it back up on the Friday or Saturday threads as appropriate. :-)

              2. Specialk9*

                Yeah, agreed, nothing to be so scornful and dismissive about with a partial immersion!

                I did a really good program in a country with a mother of a hard language to learn. We took immersive language tutoring for hours of every day, worked with locals, and then went to University in English for credit. It was a good combo. I have done both approaches – full immersion and partial immersion, and I found good things with both.

                And really, some of the truly mind-blowing expansive things you get even without full immersion — like beer in vending machines. (That one sounds silly, but starts all kinds of cultural examinations that get to some bedrock culture.)

                1. OlympiasEpiriot*

                  I don’t see that I was “scornful and dismissive” in what I wrote.

                  Your experiences are what you know and that’s fine, but, are you living there now? Did you stay? Knowing my kid, I anticipate that he will need more knowledge than something through a short-term (relatively) program. That was advice to him and, for him, I don’t think partial immersion is the way to go.

                  Look, I’ve lived abroad in two different countries — I joke that I’m illiterate in six languages since both those countries have more than one language, plus the neighboring places — both times effectively as an immigrant. (Long story as to why I returned to the US.) Learning to negotiate a society as an outsider but still in it (as opposed as to how I saw the “expats” live, and that includes people who retired to a place) is very different and what one needs to know to deal is different.

                  YMMV.

    3. Galatea*

      That is a very cool idea — thank you for posting that link! I might be having a small personal crisis and I have seriously considered randomly leaving the country, so this is a neat thing to think about.

      1. OlympiasEpiriot*

        Somewhere in this thread there’s another post from me with a whole bunch of links for going abroad depending on where you’re from and your (job and emotional) skill set. Best of luck. Although I can say from personal experience “wherever you go, there you are”, it is also true that a new place and new people can really help give one perspective on crap in the past as long as you look hard at it.

      2. Specialk9*

        Leaving the country is often hugely lonely, paradoxically combined with not enough privacy. I have lived abroad a fair bit, and have had my mind and soul expanded in the process, but be aware that there are really hard parts too.

        1. OlympiasEpiriot*

          Very difficult. Exhausting. New germs to get immunity towards. Learning the ins and outs of the humor. (I find humor and joking in different cultures to be both the subtlest and most disorienting thing)

          If you are the kind to always do everything with a group, then it might be difficult, certainly would be harder than otherwise. But, the world is both very large and very small and meeting ones neighbors is always a good thing.

    4. SpaceNovice*

      Also, Americorps! A friend did it for a year and had a fantastic experience.

  37. Akcipitrokulo*

    Do whatever you need to to get another job… any job… and quit. Or if you can survive without a job for short term, it’s OK quit now.

    Your chances of a new job won’t be affected by a short term job under the circumstances. Just don’t go into details about how obnoxious working for her is; just mentioning that it wasn’t sustainable due to the relationship is fine.

    And your dad’s relationship is his responsibility. None of this is on you!

  38. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    LW, this is not your fault. You are not being a typical millennial. You have what it takes to succeed. You are not a bad employee. I know this, because you’ve put up with this insanity for this long. I also know this because the board members have gone out of their way to compliment you.

    Find a retail job. Or a waitressing job. Anything to get out. Even working two jobs will be better at this point. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Please, please, please leave before this toxicity completely skews your brain. Remembering or re-learning what normal is can be so hard. Do this for yourself.

    1. LibbyG*

      We’re probably on the same page with this, WDP, but I feel moved to write that there IS no “typical millennial,” and if there were it would be a highly collaborative and entrepreneurial 20- or 3o-something who inspires all of us to try to live our values in our working life.

      OP – I hope you can escape this brutalizing dysfunction soon and that your next gig makes crystal clear to you both your tremendous professional assets and the norms functional working relationships.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Oh, exactly. I’m a millennial myself and roll eyes at the whole derogatory label. But I didn’t want to get into that. Mostly because my brain was having enough trouble forming words as it was!

      2. Specialk9*

        Millennial stereotypes are misplaced criticisms of Baby Boomers and what they have done to our economy and world. Don’t swallow that.

  39. stej*

    I have no words other than please listen to Allison and everyone here and GTFO. I am so so so worried for you and would help you in any way I could if I knew who you were IRL.

  40. Wibbets*

    Yikes. I think you should just leave now (even though the thought is terrifying) because this is insane and, as you put it, taking over your life. You also sound a little bit like you’re starting to internalize some of her abuse by questioning whether you’re a good employee or a stereotypical “millenial.” Dealing with your boss’s outrageous bullshit on top of your actual job makes you an incredible employee and definitely a way better one than your boss deserves right now. It’s a testament to your resilience and self-discipline that you’ve stayed at this job this long and put up with everything you’ve put up with, and you deserve to be treated with a basic level of respect and humanity. Run as fast as humanly possible from this dumpster fire.

  41. Ray Gillette*

    I think this is the first thing I’ve ever felt on AAM that actually made me feel sick to my stomach instead of simply just shaking my head.

    1. OlympiasEpiriot*

      There’ve been one or two others, something a while back about a coworker who was being abused by a partner…but, yeah, this is truly gut-wrenching.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      yeah, I don’t expect to see stuff here that I’d normally expect on JustNoMIL subreddit.

  42. MiddleManager*

    I am utterly speechless. OP, I hope that before the end of this day you have submitted your resignation if there’s any way you can do so, because…I am speechless.

    1. Adlib*

      I agree. I’m actually sitting here worried that the OP is likely still in that job, and it’s Wednesday. She’s suffered through nearly 3 days this week. I just want it to end for her.

      1. Lizzy*

        UGH yeah… I hadn’t even thought that and now I’m wanting to crawl under my desk and cry. This literally breaks my heart on so many levels…

    2. Lumen*

      This. I would rather the LW start busking on the street than stay with this abuser for another day. That’s how bad this is.

      1. Jan*

        My PC crashed when I first tried to reply, so firstly, apologies if it appears twice.

        But Lumen, please don’t knock busking! In September 2017, I quit an unhealthy workplace to busk full time on the streets of London, and it’s the best decision I ever made. You can wear what you like, take tea breaks when you like, respond how you choose if people are rude and there’s no one to fire you. Best of all, you can pick your hours and often make as good money as you do in an office, providing you treat it like a job – because that’s what busking is. And yes, I declare it to the taxman because busking is a legit form of self employment. If LW has any musical talent, I’d recommend busking wholeheartedly!

        1. Lumen*

          I wasn’t knocking busking. I only meant that it’s less secure/stable than the sort of job the LW was looking for and seems to want, and there’s no guarantee they’re in an area where it is legal or where there is sufficient money to be made doing it. And even with all that, I would still rather hear the LW went to do that rather than continue to be abused.

  43. Triumphant Fox*

    Get out as soon as possible. Enjoy the weather now that spring is here. Start moving your body in productive ways to get those good hormones flowing. Learn to cook something interesting, read something juicy and fun. Let yourself decompress and give yourself permission not to do any emotional labor for your father or former boss. Getting yourself healthy is so crucial. If you’re feeling it now while you’re under pressure, I think when you leave you’ll start to realize how bad things had gotten and be thankful you got out.

    Professionally, I recommend temping (it can often lead to actual positions, or help you network at least while getting an admittedly small paycheck), tutoring, volunteering – anything that allows you to build your confidence with no pressure and fewer responsibilities while you recover from a situation that is toxic and NOT your fault.

  44. Alton*

    None of this is normal, and I think you need to get out ASAP. It’s not a healthy situation.

    Having a *pattern* of short-term jobs can be an issue, but quitting one job in less than a year should not be a major problem, and I think it’s riskier to stay at this job. Do you trust Jill to give you a good reference? Do you want this job to represent your work experience?

    1. Temperance*

      This is an EXCELLENT point! A longer stay at a place with an unstable, unreliable boss may not pay off, because you can’t count on her for a reference.

      1. Gabriela*

        And if Jill herself has a bad reputation, that could bleed onto her staff as well.

      2. Angela Ziegler*

        Very good point. I’ve had a previous boss who was narcissistic and had a bad habit of badmouthing and lying about former workers. I knew I couldn’t count on her for a good reference, because I’d see her ‘compliments’ and how backhanded they were. I could see OP being sabotaged by a reference letter that hurts more than helps.

    2. BethRA*

      And as Alison has said before – you also run the risk of having this completely warp your sense of what’s normal in the workplace.

      None of this is normal, none of it is ok, and none of it is your fault.

    3. Ennigaldi*

      Where does this one year myth come from? The long-gone era where people stayed at the same job for their entire career, when pensions and step increases existed?

      1. Specialk9*

        I mean it IS a problem if someone can’t settle and is always job hopping. But a single one year stint or two? Fine.

  45. The Person from the Resume*

    I do wonder, though, what the therapist would make of this. I hope that the LW would get support from the therapist that this is a crazy situation. Because cra-cra.

    1. ENFP in Texas*

      I can’t help but think that any therapist with a modicum of professionalism wouldn’t touch this scenario with a ten foot pole.

      Family counseling with Dad and OP (and not Dad’s girlfriend) might be useful once OP is clear of this toxic swamp. But right now Dad seems to be siding with his GF against his daughter, and that is not likely to end well for the OP.

      Once Dad has his relationship with his GF figured out (because there are so many screaming red flags there that have nothing to do with the OP), then family counailing with Dad may be an option.

  46. Liz*

    Everyone, since this lady is not helping the evil stepmother stereotype one bit, and perhaps making it wildly worse, I feel compelled to tell you that I personally have a lovely stepmom. She treats me even better than my own mom.

    I did have a crappy stepfather, but just know step-parents aren’t always evil.

    2. Amber Rose*

      I don’t think anyone actually thinks that past the age where we stop believing that Disney movies are documentaries.

    4. Temperance*

      Comments like this one are amazingly unhelpful. While it’s great that your stepmom is nice or whatever, I don’t see how you sharing this with LW is helpful to her. #1, her wacky ass boss is NOT her stepmother. #2, you probably don’t realize this, but whenever people with toxic family issues share their experiences, people feel the need to chime in and either minimize or say things like “MY MOM IS MY BEST FRIEND!”. It’s not helpful!

    5. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      All of the above, plus, OP says she did have a good stepmother, whom her father had amicably divorced. She knows.

    6. Katie the Fed*

      “just know step-parents aren’t always evil”

      literally nobody thinks that

    7. Bea*

      And had a stepmom prior to this freakshow…so she knows that this woman is not like others.

    8. smoke tree*

      Totally off-topic, but something I always find fascinating–apparently the evil stepmother trope originated from criticism of the original Grimm fairy tales. Readers thought the first edition was inappropriate for children, so one of the changes to make the stories more palatable was to change all of the evil mothers to stepmothers.

      2. Specialk9*

        Wait there’s someone on this earth who thinks the Grimm tales are appropriate for kids?! They are sincerely F-ed up.

        1. just butting in*

          We Germans are actually raised on these (also Disney but Grimm first) and if your family is from the former GDR, it’s Russian fairytales as well and let me tell you, they have some tripping stories as well! :)

    9. Sapphire*

      So you’re pulling the “not all men” card with stepmothers? That’s not remotely relevant here.

  47. Amber Rose*

    LW I’m dying over here reading this. Please, for the love of all that is, write a follow up at some point so we know you’re OK. I don’t even care if it’s not a happy one, I’d just really like to know that this mess hasn’t caused you to be hospitalized or something. That’s how bad this is.

    I’ve rarely felt this worried after reading a letter.

    Btw, even a pattern of short term stays at jobs isn’t the end of the world, so don’t think twice about that before leaving a job like THIS.

    1. Hills to Die on*

      Yes please. I will be thinking about you and wishing you well. Praying for you, actually. I know that’s not everyone’s thing but I hope you understand the sentiment behind it.

    2. Turquoisecow*

      I feel the same. This isn’t a bad job where OP can escape to family, or a bad family where OP can escape into work, this is abuse from both sides. I can’t even imagine how horrible this is, but it’s seriously upsetting me to think about it.

      1. OlympiasEpiriot*

        This is why I wrote “running-away-to-sea level” down below. I mean, omg, I don’t have words. If this were me, I would have run. Like steal a motorbike. Put stuff in a backpack out of order and hop a freight train. Join the French Foreign Legion.

        This poor woman. I want to drive over to whereever she is and open the passenger side without turning off the engine.

        1. SeuciaV*

          I’m in Maryland and would gladly offer my services as a getaway driver as well. I’ll go pretty much anywhere on the eastern seaboard OP so just holler if you need a rescue…..

          1. OlympiasEpiriot*

            I wonder if two cars would be a good idea, one as interference and decoy.

            Fast And Furiously Outta There!

            I’ll be Gina Carano.

    3. CaribouInIgloo*

      Honestly, I think any update is a happy update as long as OP is no longer working for the physical embodiment of EVIL.

  48. Nanc*

    On the off chance anyone questions why you left this job in less than a year, saying my boss was dating my dad would give any reasonable interviewer all the info they need.

    Are you in a big city? You could try signing up with temp agencies. What about any sort of retail related to a hobby or tangentially to your career path? Cleaning services for hotels or actual cleaning agencies? Summer is nearly here (in the northern hemisphere)–what about local parks and rec? They may need staff for day camps and other summer programs. Are there any retirement centers near you who need dining hall staff? Lots of those are staffed by college students (at least in my area) and they may be hiring replacements for the summer. Any of these options will keep income flowing while you step back and take care of yourself. An who knows–you might find you like retail or hotel work or working with seniors and kids.

    Please look into free or low cost therapy in your area–usually your county health department will have some resources. Even if there’s a waiting list, get on it and if you can, let them know you’re available if they have cancellations.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    1. History Chick*

      ^”Please look into free or low cost therapy in your area–usually your county health department will have some resources. Even if there’s a waiting list, get on it and if you can, let them know you’re available if they have cancellations.” This!

      While you might be put off to try therapy because your horrible boss is trying to force you into therapy with her and your dad, if you can find someone to talk with on your own it might make the world of difference. I was in a horribly dysfunctional workplace and my therapist really helped to see my own worth and stand up for myself.

      This whole situation sounds quite traumatic and like it might have real lasting and devastating impacts (especially since your dad is involved). Just something to consider!

      1. Sometimes yes, sometimes no*

        Thirding this recommendation.

        So much of LW’s letter breaks my heart not just because of the devastatingly toxic environment, but because of how LW talks about herself and her doubts. The other people LW mentions are beyond the pale when it comes to antisocial, manipulative, outrageous behavior and when it’s all you can see it is so easy to believe it’s how things really are. It’s so, so important for LW to see that really, really isn’t the case. I hope even the comments here can do that!

        People who keep you on your toes with inconsistent demands, absolute failure to own their faults, coercive threats and implications, and an utter disregard for you are not people you need to keep in your life. You can make your own choices for how to handle your family, but there is absolutely NO reason to put up with it in your professional life. It may feel that the work/personal boundary has been crossed because of the relationship between your boss and your father, especially given her threats about the status of their relationship based on your behavior, but when the sterile work environment becomes tangled it’s absolutely time to disengage.

        Your feelings about this are not because you are young. They are taking advantage of you because you are. They are abusing you because they can. They see your uncertainty and rather than helping prop you up and settle you in, they are attacking you and keeping you unstable so that you’ll be a useful accessory.

        Again, please, do what you can to see a therapist. They can help you work through this. But get yourself as far away from this toxic situation as fast as you can.

  49. CaliCali*

    Let me say that I’ve worked with this sort of person as my boss. Her and I weren’t personally entangled, but my other coworker was. Even without that entanglement, the beating that my soul and ego took was intense. I still have scars. And it’s taken my coworker years to recover from that experience. This will not get better. You need to go.

  50. Knittyinabrowncoat*

    Holy Hanukkah balls!
    OP get whatever job you can while you search for something safe and sane. This is just bananas. Your boss sounds like a nightmare. The varying start times, chastising you for doing exactly what she says but then forgot, babysitting (!!!), nice of this is normal. And she’s having your dad write her book about being a minority woman in business?!?! I need to go put out the flames on my face right now. Hugs to you and I hope you manage to get on a bus out of crazy town soon.

  51. Annie Morgan*

    OP, I hope you can get out of there soon! This sounds like an absolute nightmare of a situation.

  52. Hey Karma, Over here.*

    I’m shaking for you.
    And I’m glad that your mom has an amicable relationship with your dad and doesn’t jump to attack his very big part in this train wreck, but she’s wrong. You are being abused and whether you stay seven months or seven years, this woman will never give you a good reference.

    Now say it out loud…this woman will never give me a good reference.
    I do what she asks. She says I didn’t.
    This woman will never give me a good reference.
    She says black, I say black. She says, “stop saying white.”
    This woman will never give me a good reference.
    She has my dad convinced I need therapy to deal with HER.
    This woman will never give me a good reference.
    I am clearly an hourly employee but I am getting paid for the hours she decides are ok.
    This woman will never give me a good reference.
    She lies to me about coworkers who I know and work with.
    This woman will never give me a good reference.
    and finally,
    This woman will never give me a good reference.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      +++ That’s awesome. I think every person who’s being abused should get a breakdown of the stuff the abuser is doing.
      She said I wanted to sleep with my female friends so I stopped talking to them.
      She then said I wanted to sleep with my female coworkers.
      She then said I was spending too much time with my male friends.
      etc

      Per Captain Awkward: You will never be able to make yourself small enough to satisfy your abuser.

  53. Cruciatus*

    None of this is normal, OP! While you won’t like every aspect of every job you’ll have (and you WILL have others!) this is so far beyond the pale. There isn’t one single thing I can pick out and say “well at least OP has that normal thing.” Nope. It’s all terrible and I’m sorry you’re going through it. None of this is because of you and if you weren’t in that job Jill would do this to someone else or figure it out her own damn self. Even taking the dad angle out of this it’s all still terrible. But my point is you didn’t cause this. Jill is the worst.

    I hope you are able to break free from this soon and I hope when you do you’re able to quit and not feel guilt or remorse over it. Alison, any tips for what to say when quitting because I don’t think Jill (then dad) will take it well and this is so over-the-top that I’m not sure I could find the right words for leaving either, and I’ve left many jobs at this point.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      The great thing is that it doesn’t really matter if she has perfect words when quitting or not — they can’t force her to stay. She can go short and sweet with “I’ve decided to resign and my last day will be X” and then just repeat “my decision is final” and they can’t force her to change it.

      1. Work Wardrobe*

        Yes! OP, think how empowering it will be to say I’M LEAVING and mean it. YOU are in control. Take control. Get out. It’s no longer your circus.

      2. paul*

        Does giving notice actually make sense here? Jill won’t give a good reference regardless.

        1. Lizzy*

          And the situation is so beyond understanding that I’d argue against giving notice at all. Just leave. Like, just LEAVE.

        2. Hills to Die on*

          No notice. Just leave. I would genreally not recommend that but your health and sanity are at stake. You are being abused. Leave immediately.

        3. Cruciatus*

          I agree there shouldn’t necessarily be any notice given, but I just know that I sometimes have trouble actually saying the words I want to and having a script, even short and sweet, could help the OP so she can get out of there. I had trouble telling a boss I LIKED and who really liked me that I was leaving, and I can’t imagine how hard it might be to come up with the right thing to say (and then actually say it) to someone like Jill whose depth of awfulness is uncharted (and especially since this would be a new situation for the OP good boss or not).

        4. Hey Karma, Over here.*

          I have to agree with that!
          And honestly, change your cell number or block her permanently and your dad for awhile, until he learns boundaries

        5. Creag an Tuire*

          Speaking of references, OP should consider if she trusts any of those “out-of-state staff” to speak to her good work on the DL. Something tells me most of them aware of and used to Jill’s fundamental Jill-ness (and can work around it because they don’t have to deal with her all day every day), and will be understanding and sympathetic to your search.

        6. LBK*

          I think the OP should give notice just to take the high ground; maybe by some miraculous turn of events, Jill will decide she’s a lost cause at that point and leave her alone to serve out her two weeks in peace. But she should definitely have this at the ready: “I had planned to stay for two weeks, but because of [insert insane abusive thing Jill does] I don’t think that’s going to work out. My last day will be today.”

          1. Grey Ghost*

            The OP needs to skip the high road and just leave. Taking the high road and giving notice will open her to more abuse and it is hard for many people to stand up to their abusers.

            The OP needs to view this woman’s behavior as no different than an emotionally abusive spouse or partner. And one thing that might help the OP is pretending that a friend came to her for advice about a partner who did what the boss is doing. What advice would the OP give the friend?

            1. LBK*

              I think it’s slightly more nuanced because there are conventions about how you leave a job that don’t apply to a relationship – both in the way that you are usually expected to stay for some time after you’ve announced your exit, but also because there is a much more natural out when you need to leave. You just…don’t come to the office anymore.

      3. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

        LW, if I were you, I’d also make copies of any identification or other important documents, get a PO box and ensure your father (and honestly, your mom too) doesn’t have any access to your bank accounts. Freeze your credit as well.
        Do it soon, and all quiet-like.

        Maybe it’s totally unnecessary, but it also can’t hurt.

        2. Jules the 3rd*

          Yeah, treat this like leaving an abusive spouse, and cover all the bases you can.

          1. JessaB*

            Especially if she direct deposits your pay. Most direct deposit agreements have the right to claw back “errors” you’d have to take her to labour court, to get it back, and you likely would but why put yourself through that, get your money into a new account that is NOT tied to the old one in case she tries to pull your last pay.

      4. Bibliovore*

        This. I worked in an extremely abusive environment. A job that I took in desperation. Everyday was anxiety filled with sarcasm and a lot of what you describe here absent the family stuff. Call your colleagues who you work well with. Get their home/private contact information. Tell them it’s time for you to move on and woukd they be references for you. Give your two weeks notice. Refuse to discuss your job, job search, etc with family members. I wish you peace and serenity.

    3. Temperance*

      I am envisioning LW finding her power and then walking out and throwing a lit match behind her while strutting out of that hellhole. (LW, don’t actually do this, but do channel your sassiest you when sashaying out of that dumpster.)

      1. The Original K.*

        Like Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale” when she sets her ex’s stuff on fire.

      2. Batshua*

        She could wear her Nancy Sinatra boots on the day she leaves!

        *gleeful grin*

  54. SoCalHR*

    Part of me would want to go to the counseling to see if the therapist could talk some sense into the situation. But that is probably too much wishful thinking.

    Also I’m curious as to how out-of-character this behavior is from her dad? Because if he has been, to this point, a normal well adjusted parent, I’d be concerned for him as well.

    All in all, I wouldn’t be afraid of being fired (file for unemployment benefits and/or seek temp agency) or the threat of Jill breaking up with my dad (because frankly that’s the ideal situation).

    1. boop the first*

      I would be curious about what the therapist would say too.

      But then, I have that distance required to see things with appropriate hindsight. OP is still in the gaslit stage. Would she have the perspective needed to build a strong case, or would she sit obediently in silence just to get through it?

      1. JessaB*

        No there’s too much risk that this is NOT a good therapist and that this therapist has been talked ’round to dad and boss’ position. This could damage the OP hearing it from a professional that they’re bad when that’s a gaslighting lie.

        My personal non therapist opinion is stay as far away from that trap as possible. This is a trap of such proportions that Admiral Ackbar doesn’t even have to announce it. It’s obvious.

  55. Ms. Ann Thropy*

    Get out now. Like, NOW. The entire situation is so crazy and so unhealthy that I don’t have words to describe it. My own heart rate was rising as I read it. Please extricate yourself from this nightmare and send an update when you are in a better place. Good luck, and, seriously, get out now.

  56. Matilda Jefferies*

    OP, there’s a reason you’re feeling gaslighted and abused – it’s because you’re being gaslighted and abused.

    Both Jill and your father are treating you absolutely terribly. I’m so sorry. I imagine it sucks to realize it in your head, and probably also sucks to have it confirmed by a bunch of internet strangers. But I hope there’s also some relief for you there, as there are several hundred people reading this letter right now and going “It’s not you, it’s them, and please get out of there as fast as you can!”

    If you have any kind of a financial cushion at all, this is what it’s here for. This is exactly the kind of job you should leave as soon as you possibly can, even if you don’t have another one lined up. Your health is suffering, and it’s not going to get better until you get out of this toxic situation. To the extent that you can, of course – unfortunately it sounds like you’re going to be in it for a while even once you extricate yourself from the job. But one thing at a time. Start by setting some firm boundaries around both your work and your personal relationships with Jill and your father, and then by getting out of the job as soon as possible.

    And I’m sorry your mother isn’t being more supportive on that front as well! I hope you have other sources of support, both financial and emotional. We’re all cheering for you from here.

    1. Matilda Jefferies*

      Also, Captain Awkward has some excellent scripts for dealing with abusive parents. I recommend starting here:
      https://captainawkward.com/2016/11/06/914-i-broke-ties-with-my-abusive-parents-as-an-adult-now-what/

      And please update us when you can, OP. I hope the extent and the volume of the worry here is enough to convince you (if you needed convincing!) that none of this is normal, and none of it is your fault, and you do not deserve to be treated like this.

      1. lollyscrambler*

        Yes, I hope that when you have a new job you can have the time and space to deal with the lack of support from your parents.

  57. Katie the Fed*

    I’d like to offer to buy LW a copy of Alison’s new book so she can get a new job ASAP. If I had a job to offer, I’d give her that. Holy hell.

  58. Old Cynic*

    I couldn’t finish reading the letter. It became too painful after about the third paragraph. And even before it became painful my thought was “find a new job and get out of there ASAP”

    My sympathies.

  59. nnn*

    I absolutely agree that the therapy thing would be highly inappropriate.

    But if, for whatever reason, you do end up in this therapy, you should tell the therapist that you think your being in therapy with your boss is inappropriate, and you’re only attending because your job is at stake, and you’re concerned about boundaries, and you’re trying to find other work but haven’t yet been successful, and everything else that’s relevant.

    1. Irene Adler*

      And I would insist that the therapist find a way to get you on disability. That is another way out of this situation (potentially).

      1. Temperance*

        Therapists can’t get someone on disability. The person needs to apply on their own, with medical documentation showing the extent of their illness and showing that there are no jobs that the person could reasonably do with accommodations.

        LW has some anxiety issues, but nothing that rises to the level of unable to work.

      2. Starling*

        Getting a ruling on a social security disability claim takes about 2.5 years right now, so that’s probably a non-starter.

    2. Temperance*

      I have to disagree with this advice. You aren’t dealing with a normal person here, and it’s going to end badly for LW if she goes this route. Jill and people like her are master manipulators, so there’s no good outcome. The only way to win is not to play.

  60. Kate*

    RUN! Run so fast! OP, Jill is a nightmare. Her treatment of you is despicable, and frankly, her treatment of your father is despicable. It is not OK to be constantly threatening to break up with someone. It is not OK to tell your boyfriend’s daughter that you’ll break up with her father so she can be a better assistant. Like, what? Jill should have neither an assistant nor a boyfriend imo, but since you can only control one of those thing, please PLEASE try to find something new. As a new grad, this is a particularly vulnerable time to pick up a warped view of business norms. None of this is normal.

  62. SleeplessKJ*

    OP I had a boss/work situation as messed up as this minus the boss dating my dad but plus hallucinatory PTSD and a need to duck and cover when entering his office because I never knew what might be lobbed at me (think shows, books, paperweights.) I say this lovingly and with the authority of one who’s been there: GET OUT. Walk dogs or bag groceries if you need the income while you look for another full time job. You will not hurt your chances at a new position at all – Allison’s explanation is perfect.

    Where can I chip in for the resume and job counseling help from Allison fund?

  63. Working Mama*

    Oh, honey. I have been 24 and broke and feeling unable to quit a job and desperately in debt and worried about losing my apartment, and even knowing that feeling extremely well I can only say: run. Run so far, and so fast, everything about this is terrible. The instinct to go wait tables instead is an excellent one. Do that. Call a temp agency. Do anything, but do anything that involves you getting out of this toxic soup as soon as you can.

  64. Megan*

    This is pants-on-head crazy. Crazytown bananapants. Alison, I will happily contribute to any fund to have you help the OP with resume and cover letter writing, and do anything else i can to help her out of this tar pit of nonsense.
    If at all possible, OP, I think you should take a new job and move far enough away that visiting will require a plane trip. This is not a you problem, this is a them problem, and part of the them problem is that they’re trampling your boundaries like a herd of buffalo. Could you, maybe through your school if you’re a new graduate, get some counseling of your own to help you set appropriate boundaries and give you the confidence to enforce them?

    1. SeluciaV*

      Popping in to say that I’m going to liberally borrow “crazytown bananapants.” Fan-dab-tastic!

      1. Megan*

        You’ll be receiving stolen property :) I took it from the TV show Community, one of my favorite episodes where the probably toxic friend group goes together to see a therapist. Hearing John Hodgman say “Tell me more about ‘crazytown bananapants’ ” fills me with joy.

        1. SeuciaV*

          How could I have forgotten that?!? Clearly it’s been too long since I re-watched “Community.” Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

  65. Let's Talk About Splett*

    I would actually not worry about quitting before the year is up even if Jill was a great boss – a reference from your dad’s girlfriend is not going to the get the same weight from future employers as a boss you have no relation to.

    And, not for nothing, do Jill and your dad really think a therapist worth her salt is going agree you are the problem here??

    1. Audrey Puffins*

      It would almost – ALMOST – be worth agreeimg to go to the therapy just so the therapist gets extra insight into Jill and how she handles her relationships.

      1. boop the first*

        There is something extra permanently damaging to the self esteem to see your abuser charm and make friends with every new stranger.

  66. Redtail*

    Jeez, your dad is an asshole. I mean, Jill is obviously a full-bore klaxons-blaring blazing pit of garbage who is completely unmoored from society, but it shouldn’t be forgotten that your dad is 100% on board with her treating HIS CHILD this way. I’d be cautious in the future even if they do break up.

    1. GreyjoyGardens*

      Oh yes THIS. Your dad is NOT your ally, and he CAN’T be counted on to be in your corner. Not only does he seem to divorce and repartner like Liz Taylor (or Richard Burton!), he won’t stand up for HIS OWN CHILD. He puts his partner above HIS CHILD. That’s wrong.

      Handle with care, LW, even after you get out of this situation.

      1. ExcelJedi*

        “Not only does he seem to divorce and repartner like Liz Taylor (or Richard Burton!)”

        Though I agree with most of this sentiment, I don’t think shaming people who move on from relationships that aren’t good for them (for any number of reasons) is really appropriate here. There are great parents and great people who also happen to have several ex-spouses, and there are terrible parents who do not stand up for their children but who are decades into their first marriages.

      2. Dads...*

        My dad dated a lady who worked at the same company as me but in a different location/state in the call center. One day, she got mad at my dad and went to HR and told them that I had given my dad personal information about her and she didn’t feel safe. HR called me in to let me know this happened but acknowledged that I didn’t have access to this information – basically calling her bluff. She got mad at my dad and tried to take it out on me. By far, the most embarrassing things that has happened to me in my professional life. To this day, he still doesn’t understand what an awful situation he put me in. (I had previously questioned this woman’s sanity.) They’ve broken up but OP RUN – don’t assume your dad has your best professional interest in mind.

    2. Anonyna*

      I was thinking the same thing. Man, if that were my son, may God have mercy on Jill for I would not.

    3. LBK*

      Seriously. I can’t believe he’s just blithely agreeing to let his daughter be abused like this.

      1. voyager1*

        I am not. The dad is divorced at least twice and in a bad relationship with a narcissistic abuser. I imagine there are reasons he is staying in with Jill, probably ridiculous ones though.

        You would be surprised at what people will endure and then think is normal when it comes to romantic relationships.

        1. LBK*

          I mean, obviously I’m not literally saying I don’t believe that could happen, because this site has taught me anything is possible (as has, y’know, reading the news on a regular basis). It just adds an additional, more depressing layer to the fact that someone who should be an advocate for her is complicit in it.

          1. voyager1*

            I get you. But the sad thing is the Dad probably doesn’t even really how bad this Jill lady is to his daughter. But… we aren’t really supposed to armchair diagnose folks on here. This whole letter is just one big constant California wildfire level of dumpster fire of sadness.

  67. Professional Cat Herder*

    This is the most abusive work situation I have ever heard of. Please, LW, get yourself out now. The longer you stay enmeshed with this, the worse it will be.

  68. LSP*

    *slow clap*

    That is a perfect answer to an INSANE situation if ever I’ve read one.

    OP – take this advice and get the hell out of Dodge! No deserves to be treated like this, and don’t let yourself be further gas-lighted into thinking any of this is your fault!

  69. HRextraordinaire3*

    I would be happy to help you find a job! What area of the country are you in?

  70. jstarr*

    OP, after you get OUT of this, please know that this isn’t how you’re supposed to be treated in the workforce AT ALL. You may experience some learning curves in a new position as you readjust your idea of normal. Your current situation is outrageously not normal.

  71. Manager Mary*

    Oh my sweet fancy lord, OP. The only reason you should consider therapy is to treat the post traumatic stress disorder you must certainly have from dealing with this horrible situation and being gaslighted by your own parents!! I feel hopeful that no matter what step you take, things must almost certainly will improve. Unemployment would be better. Cleaning toilets would be better. But I doubt either of those would be a realistic necessity; you could walk into any job placement agency with that kind of background and get good temp work immediately, if not a good permanent placement! It may not be your dream job but it won’t be the nightmare job from hell that you currently have. Good luck to you.

  72. CatCat*

    This is awful, OP!

    You say would be thrilled to wait tables while you job hunt so if that is an option for you, do that for your own self-preservation. Do not talk to your parents about the job hunt. They are not helpful here. If you’re looking for getting more experience working in (normal!) offices, consider looking into temping and register with multiple agencies while you are looking. You may even find some temp to permanent opportunities, but even if not, you’ll have more exposure to other workplaces and get a paycheck. Temping and waiting tables are good options (and no reason you can’t do both if your schedule allows it) to get you out of the 7th circle of hell that you are stuck int.

    Good luck to you and please update us! We are rooting for you! You can and will get something better than this (because, honestly, it would be hard to get into something worse!)

  73. AnotherJill*

    No ethical or competent therapist would engage in therapy under the conditions that you describe. You personally might find it helpful to speak with a therapist on your own to deal with your depression and the aftermath of this situation. You may also want to look at Alison’s advice on resumes and cover letters to help with a job search.

    But none of this is normal and getting out of this situation is only going to help you.

    1. Lilysparrow*

      I was thinking about this, and I’d bet that the “therapist” is a situation like how her boyfriend is her ghostwriter. Somebody shes got under her thumb is doing her a favor, with no real qualifications.

  74. Jo*

    Apart from sounding like a total nightmare, it doesn’t sound like this job is likely to get you anywhere in terms of development or even as somewhere you will get a decent reference from. So it might actually improve your job prospects to get something else, even if it’s a temp job or something you wouldn’t look to do long term.

  75. Sara without an H*

    OP, I’m so sorry for you. It’s definitely not about you, being a millennial, or anything else. You’re in a relationship with two — or rather, three – very dysfunctional people, and they’re using you as a target for all their pent up frustration and aggression.

    I want to repeat all the job search advice given above. The AAM archives have lots of good info on developing good resumes and cover letters. It sounds as though you’ve been given (or saddled) with a wide variety of tasks by Awful Boss, which just need the right presentation to make you very hirable elsewhere.

    I also highly recommend temp agencies. I’ve used them myself during gaps between jobs.

    You haven’t said anything about your living situation. You aren’t, I hope, living with your dad and Jill? (God, I hope not!) Are you living with your mother? That may not be better, since she seems to be enabling your awful work situation. If you don’t have a place of your own, do you have friends you could couch surf with until you can get one?

    I know it’s frightening to consider quitting without something else lined up, but your description of your situation tells me that the sooner you get away from all three of these people, the better off you’ll be.

    Good luck!

  76. AnotherJill*

    No ethical or competent therapist is going to engage in couples therapy under these conditions. You may find that some therapy on your own will help with your depression and future outlook. You may also find that looking at Alison’s advice for resumes and cover letters will help with your job search. But none of what you describe is normal.

    1. Observer*

      Well, that’s part of the problem. It’s quite possible that the therapist in question is neither ethical nor competent, and the OP has no way to know.

      1. Let's Talk About Splett*

        Or it’s possible that the therapist has no idea the LW even exists. Jill seems like the type that her plan might have been to show up with LW for a session and not think that’s weird.

        2. Someone else*

          Or the therapist knows LW exists, in terms of her being the daughter, but has no idea the rest of the situation, or that Jill and her father are trying to get her there, or get her there about work stuff, or possibly even of the work relationship etc. Like it’s possible they painted this extremely vague picture of wanting to work out issues between the three of them in a family-only context and the therapist might be an ethical professional who has no idea of what’s really going on here.

          1. Someone else*

            I still think the LW should flee, and have nothing to do with this whatsoever. I’m just saying, especially since LW should absolutely not agree to go with them to therapy, what we do know so far does not necessarily mean Jill has a horrible therapist under her thumb. (She might, but Jill also might just be a lying liar who lies to EVERYONE). Not worth the risk and nothing to be gained from going to the therapist. Just saying the therapist isn’t necessarily in on it.

          2. Gadget Hackwrench*

            This one’s my vote. I guarantee if Therapist knows about LW it’s as the meddling passive aggressive daughter who’s trying to “get rid of the other woman” (i.e. anyone but mom) in her dad’s life. That’s what I get from the “you didn’t forget, there’s something more going on here” thing. They’re saying she’s being passive aggressive.

  77. CatCat*

    OP, also document what you can and look into the unemployment insurance requirements in your state to see if you might qualify if you quit this job. Honestly, you’ve got nothing to lose if you quit and file an unemployment claim. Be prepared to appeal because Jill is banana crackers.

    1. CatCat*

      I mean “nothing to lose” in that there isn’t some sort of fee for filing a claim or being denied. (At least, I’ve never heard of such a thing.)

  78. Lumen*

    My heart rate went up, too, just reading this. Lots of callbacks to toxic, abusive situations in my own life.

    Alison’s advice is all stellar and I have nothing to add but invisible internet hugs. This is an awful situation, you do not deserve it and would not deserve it even if you WERE a bad employee (which it doesn’t sound like you are, even remotely), and I’m sorry that your boss and your dad, two people who should have your back, are treating you like this.

    Well, one more thing to add: I’ll echo what some others have mentioned and suggest you keep your job hunt a secret from both your dad and Jill. Honestly from what you’ve described I would not put it past her to try and sabotage your efforts to get away from her. *shudder*

  79. Observer*

    Last, no matter what else you do, stop being terrified that you’ll do something that will make Jill dump your dad. Frankly, it might be a better outcome for everyone if she does because she is horrid — but either way, their relationship is not your responsibility. It never was, but your dad forfeited burned to ashes any claim to consideration in that realm when he became an accessory to Jill’s mistreatment of you.

    This, a million time over! Please hang on to this.

    And while I tend to cringe when I read “my friends say”, this time they are 100% correct. Give yourself some credit for finding some good friends who apparently have their heads screwed on the right way.

    On a practical note: If I’m not mistaken, you should be eligible for unemployment. So, don’t quite if you can stick it out. But also don’t worry about her firing you. What you want is to make sure that she actually fires you and that she puts in writing. Because I have no doubt that she’ll try to fight you on getting UEI, and if you have her demands and firing in writing, they will laugh her out the door.

    1. StrikingFalcon*

      Actually, I believe there is a point at which a boss’s demands are so unreasonable that quitting qualifies you for unemployment, and “my boss made going to couples’ therapy with her and my father a condition of my continued employment” has to qualify. So yeah, get that in writing if at all possible. (Obligatory caveat that I am not a lawyer.)

  80. ExcelJedi*

    OMG. This is a whole new level of awful, and I hope you get out of there soon, OP!

    On a side note, if there are any therapists/counselors in the commentariat, I’d like to hear your take on this. The very suggestion of inviting the OP to therapy sounds like such an ethical conundrum, I’m surprised it ever came out.

  81. MindoverMoneyChick*

    In defense of Millennials: I occasionally feel the need to put this out there. I’m solidly Gen-X and have had the privilege in my career of hiring and working with many, many Millennials. My company was growing in 2008 and the word first came into vogue. We were hiring when no one else really was and we found great people.

    We were a company that gave very little training – it was trial by fire and most rose to the occasion. They were not special snowflakes, they did not require an above average amount on praise. They were smart, worked hard, long hours, and made my life as a manager easier. I have nothing but praise for the cohort. I bristle like crazy when people of my generation who have far less experience with the group than I do, start throwing around generalizations.

    In fact, compared to the recent grads we were hiring in the late 90s/early 2000s Millennials were noticeably less entitled. Which I think has nothing to do with how either group was raised, but more that the late 90s group graduated into a booming economy and had high expectations of salaries and quick promotions. The 2008-2010 hires were frankly happy to be employed at a professional job with benefits.

    So OP wear your Millennials title proudly – you are part of an awesome generation!

    1. Science!*

      I bet either her dad or boss have referenced her being a millenial when discussing her “shortcomings” as a way of gaslighting her. From reading the whole thing they strike as the kind of people who believe their generation was best and all the young people have no work ethic and are all entitled. In fact I would bet a winning lottery ticket that they have forwarded articles about special snowflake millenials, or shared them.

      “So OP wear your Millennials title proudly – you are part of an awesome generation!”

      I agree!

      1. MindoverMoneyChick*

        Oh my – I hadn’t even thought that they might be pushing the stereotype on her themselves. OP if they are, trust me they are not fit judges of your generation. Feel free to ignore them.

    2. logicbutton*

      I want to push back a bit on your wording in the third paragraph – high expectations for salary and advancement are not really entitlement. I don’t mean to nitpick, it’s just that implying that there’s a connection feeds into the idea that low expectations are a virtue, which ultimately harms everyone.

      1. Mindovermoneychick*

        I meant they wanted more money then our projects and profit margins could support and to be promoted to management after 18 months on the job. We paid generously for high performers. When we were still in the 90s some of them were able to leave and get what they wanted at their next job, in adjacent industries. So technically yes, you are right, they reasonably wanted what the market place would pay. But once the bubble burst (we were sort of tech) in the early 2000s many had not gotten the memo and were quite vocal about what they thought they derserved, but what the realities of the market couldn’t support. Constrast 2008-2010 hires. When we found people who exceeded expectations we gave raises after 6 months. They were always very surprised and grateful.

    3. Bea*

      Your cutting our generation in half here but I also see your experience is only with college grads. I’m squarely an older millennial and started working in 2003. So I’m only slightly feeling like this is a backwards compliment of sorts…college grads in 1999-2004ish were most def Gen Xers and were taught college means you get paid big bucks. My friends who graduated in 2005-2010 didn’t even get jobs after graduating, supermarkets didn’t even touch those “too advanced” individuals. So yeah anyone getting a job in 2008 no matter the age was killing themselves for breadcrumbs and rent money.

      1. Mindovermoneychick*

        But we weren’t paying breadcrumbs. We were paying a living wage in the DC area and giving raises and additional responsibilities, and promotions regularly. I’m just saying those employees were great, and met all of the professionals expectations of my Gen-X peers, while being else’s entitled then the tail end of Gen-X.

        And I don’t think any of it had to do with inherit character traits or how any generation was raised. I think the different set of expectations were shaped by different economies. And as a manager, what can I say, it was more pleasant to work with people that were very happy with their jobs, salaries, and raises as opposed to those looking for the next big jump after 18 months.

      2. Mindovermoneychick*

        Oh and by regularly on promotions I mean in 2-3 years for entry level and raises of 5-10% yearly.

  82. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

    Two comments from me…

    1) On behalf of all parents of adult children that are still navigating the dating and relationship world in our ripe old age, I want to apologize to the children for all the insufferable dorks we have ever brought into our lives. We try. We have our immediate family members’ best interests in mind. We still make mistakes, because our experience of being in a healthy relationship is limited or non-existent. Most of us know when to end things and move on. Hopefully OP’s dad will have his epiphany sooner rather than later!

    2) OP, if you explain the situation to any hiring manager, they will not blame you for not sticking it out for a full year. I once left a job after three months for a lot more minor problems than that. Of course, at a panel interview that I had soon after I started looking, I was asked why I was looking so soon after starting my job. I explained my situation, the entire panel collectively gasped, yada yada yada I was hired and worked there for the next six years. Yours is an exceptional situation, and will be treated as such by anyone.

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      into *your lives. Geez, can’t express myself without a typo!

    2. Temperance*

      1. This is clearly not true, especially in LW’s case. Her dad has thrown a grenade into her life by inviting Wacky Jill into his, and he’s trying to placate his nutbag gf at his daugther’s expense. Jill isn’t an “insufferable dork”, she’s a toxic, damaging person.

      1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        True. Some of us “try” significantly less than the others. This dad doesn’t sound like he does at all.

    3. accidental manager*

      What you wrote in your first comment made it sound like you are providing a defence of the OP’s father. It might be fairer to say something like “On behalf of most/some parents of adult children that are still navigating the dating and relationship world in our ripe old age, I want to apologize to the children for all the insufferable dorks we have ever brought into our lives. Most/some of us try. Most/some of us have our immediate family members’ best interests in mind.” I don’t think the OP’s father is paying attention to the OP’s best interests, doing enough to learn how the current situation is hurting her, or prioritizing her needs at all.

      I just mention this because the OP talked about having some confusion about who to believe and whether things are as bad as she things they are – I wouldn’t like her to inadvertently take away the message that some commenters think her dad has her best interests in mind and is doing his best, and she should forgive him.

      1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        Oh, goodness, no, I didn’t mean it to sound that way. OP, no that was not meant to be about your dad. (And I’m giving a massive side-eye to your mom for advising you to stay FIVE MORE MONTHS in this insane job just to have a full year! My response as a mother would’ve been “get out NOW, we’ll figure something out with your work and source of income later”.)

        I just read the letter and my knee-jerk reaction was to think, “what about this guy I dated, who pretty much openly disliked one of my kids? and this other one? and this other one? Oh my god, what have I done?” Sorry, OP, I shouldn’t have posted that on here, because it was not relevant to your situation at all. Your father messed up big time with that one.

  83. Lizzy*

    Even the most jaw-dropping letters haven’t actually got me to drop my jaw.

    Then this happened, and my jaw literally dropped.

    This is not normal, and YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS JOB!!! Even if you were inept and scatterbrained and halfway crazy (and you’re not any of these things), YOU’RE STILL BETTER THAN THIS JOB!!!

    PLEASE get out of there ASAP and if you can, get a therapist of your own. There are organizations that have free or reduced therapy. For jobs, try a temp agency. Even that will be better than nothing. Take up Allison’s offer to review your resume (I saw it upthread).

    And distance yourself from your dad and this lady. Believe me, I know how hard and painful that can be – I had to cut off communication with my dad for years because of the toxicity. I still only talk to him if absolutely necessary (which is next to never). Your mental well-being is more important, and shame on him (and your mom, for that matter) for not recognizing this and protecting you from it. I don’t care if you’re 8 or 28 or 58 – your parents are supposed to be there for you and support you and protect you, and right now it doesn’t seem like either of your parents is doing this for you.

    YOU DESERVE MORE. We’re all cheering for you.

    And if you’re in the KC area, let me know and I’ll see what I can come up with for jobs.

  85. Dust Bunny*

    For the record, I was born 5 1/2 weeks early and am pretty functional. My uncle not only served on a submarine but spent decades as a captain of them and he is very definitely not crazy.

    This is the most bizarre thing I hope to read all week, and that’s including the news. My first job out of college was cleaning kennels–literally scooping poop for a living–at the vet’s office and I would honest to god do that again before I’d put up with this. At this point, as hard as it may be to hear it, take whatever job you have to to get out of this, and look for something nearer your field once you’ve extracted yourself. And I’m sorry, but you cannot trust your father. I wish that weren’t the case, but it is. Do you have another parent/somebody more experienced in adulting who can help?

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      My close friend spent two decades of his life on a sub and he’s 0% crazy. Where did she even get that idea? It makes no sense. Then again, neither does anything else she says and does.

    2. UK Civil Servant*

      I’ve worked with military officers of all forces and sub-mariners are the best!

      1. JessaB*

        Yeh and likely to be the saner ones, you’re in a tin can under water. You cannot end up going off the end. They do a lot of testing and vetting and retesting to make sure nobody does that. Does it happen, yes, but probably at a far lower rate than any other parts of sea service. If I had to pick the sanest of a bunch of servicemembers the submariners would be at the top of my list.

  86. Shadowflash*

    LW, the only thing I have to add re: this giant garbage fire they’ve put you in, is that when (NOT IF) you resign, Jill will take the opportunity to torpedo the relationship with your dad. This is NOT your fault; she’ll grab the convenient excuse to do whatever she was going to do anyway.

    Your dad may latch onto you staying at this job as a way of keeping his relationship afloat. He may get very invested in this notion. It’s still not yours to fix. It’s still not your fault.

    Hopefully when he’s out of this mess you both can reconnect on safer ground, if that’s something you desire.

    1. Tuxedo Cat*

      I think this is good advice. My father’s girlfriend was awful towards me, and he picked her. My whole family did. I have been estranged for over a decade because of that, even though my Jill is no longer in the picture (they broke up) and everyone knows how awful she was.

      OP, when you have the finances (now or later), I think going to a therapist would be beneficial. I did and my Jill wasn’t my boss.

    2. SpaceNovice*

      Either that or turn your father against you. But don’t let that stop you, OP: your father is already against you. You’re literally better off not having a father at this point if he’s letting this amount of abuse happen. In my eyes, that alone is unforgivable.

      Think about it for a moment: a bunch of website commenters that have never heard your voice or spoken to you, didn’t watch you grow up for any amount of time, and have never even met you are MORE CONCERNED about your mental health and well-being than your own father. It’s not right that we’re showing more care for you as a letter writer than he is about you as his daughter.

  87. ExcitedAndTerrified*

    Hi OP…

    First, you’re in a tough spot, so… all the jedi hugs in the world. You’re going to need them.

    Secondly, it’s important for you to realize exactly how horrible this whole thing is. Your father managed to get into an abusive relationship with this person – that’s hard to live with all on it’s own. But then, he managed to drag you into it, and get you stuck in an abusive relationship with the person as well. And now you’re both feeding into the loop that makes the other feel trapped, and it’s going to make things really painful.

    So, you need to repeat a certain mantra to yourself, and that mantra is going to boil down to some variation of “I take care of me first.” Because if you start worrying about how what you’re going to do is going to impact your father’s relationship with your boss… you’re going to end up getting really badly hurt.

    Get out. Get a job in retail, or wherever, but get out now. You don’t have to be abused because of your father’s relationships, and you need to take care of you.

    Do not go to therapy with this person. The fact that she wants you, and is trying to force you to, to is proof positive itself you can’t trust the therapist she is recommending. Try and dissuade your father as well. But remember he probably won’t want to listen to you, and you can’t allow yourself to be made to suffer because of that.

    Good luck.

  88. Frankie*

    OP, you need to get any job that will give you some kind of stability right now so that you can reorient. Like, get a temp data entry job, or clean toilets on a set schedule, or sweep up at an amusement park, or [insert literally ANYTHING ELSE here], if that’s all you can get. Something with a paycheck and anything constant so you can get out of the chaos mode you’re in right now.

    This is far, far beyond normal. I have worked in some massively dysfunctional places that sound like a cakewalk compared to this.

    You’ve been absorbed into a strange triad where Jill is scapegoating you/making you an extension of her relationship with your dad, for her own private and likely insane reasons that you will never puzzle out. I doubt working for her would be pretty if your dad wasn’t in the picture, but the relationship adds an extra layer of genuine insanity.

    This will never improve. This will NEVER MAKE SENSE. Don’t try to make any sense out of it, don’t try to fix it. You need to leave as soon as you possibly can. Jill is living in her own reality and you need to leave her (and your dad) to it.

    Please leave, give yourself some space and time, and find some kind of stability and structure for yourself so that you can recover from this.

    1. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      “This will NEVER MAKE SENSE. Don’t try to make any sense out of it, don’t try to fix it.”

      YES. Very well said. I lost years of my life trying to make sense of awful people’s actions – you can’t. Get away from them and live you life, it’s the best thing you can do.

      1. Frankie*

        Yeah, that’s been one of those hard life lessons for me…in dysfunction (particularly at work), it is often more productive for you to withdraw and disengage than to attempt to solve the problem.

  89. AKchic*

    I couldn’t even finish the letter. There is so much baggage here and its not even you, dear LW that owns it. My deities, please, get out of there.

    Your father’s relationship issues aren’t yours. Mentally check out of them.
    “This is not my relationship and I am not a part of this. You deal with your girlfriend.”
    “This does not have anything to do with X report, can we get back to the report?”
    “I’m not getting paid to discuss my father’s romantic life, nor did I apply to.”

    Detach, detach, detach. Document as much as possible. Save everything you can. Email yourself copies of everything. Find an attorney if you can. If this is a non-profit, where is the board in all of this? Ignore your mother’s bad advice.
    Just run. Run as fast as you can. I hope your father dumps this woman and you can get away from her quickly as well. I hope your father has the sense to never date anything this toxic again, but that is for another column entirely.

    1. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      I kept scrolling, thinking now is surely the end of it, but no, there’s more. Just heartbreaking.

      And yes! Detach and document! Excellent advice. In the midst of all this, OP needs to protect herself as well.

  90. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

    This made me cry. None of this is normal or acceptable. This is wrong and no one should be treated this way.

    This is the time to call in any and all favours you can. Any friend, former co-worker, professor: anyone who ever said they’d be a reference or recommend you, give them a call. There are people in this comment section offering help: take it. You’re not being entitled. You are a human being in an awful situation and you need help.

    If you feel bad about accepting help, then take it on the condition that one day in the future, you will offer this same help to another who needs it.

    Alison’s advice is excellent. Follow it and you’re guaranteed to find something else. You’re smart, caring, thoughtful and a good-hearted person. You have a lot to offer and deserve much better. Good luck and you can do it! You’ve got the internet behind you, cheering you on!

    (I want to blast with lasers all those douchebags writing those ‘thinkpieces’ on millenials. It’s all nonsense and another way for people with comfortable lives to put down others.)

  91. oxfordcomma4life*

    Get ouuuutttt. Get out get out get out. Reading this letter gave me serious flashbacks to one of my first jobs and a horrible boss, who once threw chicken bones at me at around 11pm, when I tried to leave the office because I’d been at work since 8.30am. At the time, it was so so easy to blame myself; she was the business owner, she was the boss, and so much in our culture tells us there’s a moral prize at the end of the shitty if we persevere, that we’re better people if we get through.
    We’re not and that’s bullshit. You don’t have to put up with this nonsense, you really really don’t. You will feel a million times lighter once you quit; even it’s going to work retail or wait tables. I didn’t even realize how much emotional energy I was devoting to just getting through the day on top of doing my job, but once I was out, I suddenly found all this energy and time at my finger tips that helped me get to where I wanted to be professionally. Best of luck: you can do it!
    And like other commenters have said, need a job? I live in the Canadian arctic and there’s a labour shortage. If you’re ever up here…

    1. oxfordcomma4life*

      *shitty rainbow. a moral prize at the end of the shitty rainbow. I was so distraught by this letter I couldn’t complete my pithy thought.

  92. Secretary*

    Dear OP,
    My heart is hurting for you. This isn’t normal or OK. You deserve to have an environment where you know when you show up, know when you leave, know what you’ll be paid, and are respected, because you’re worthy of that. You’ve been worthy of that from birth.
    Please take any help offered to you from Alison, and find some people outside of your family to take advice from. Take advice from people who have the results you want.

    I would also recommend reading some Captain Awkward if you’re nervous about boundry setting. Many have been there before. Here are a couple links to get you started. They don’t perfectly relate to your situation but a lot of the advice will apply:

    https://captainawkward.com/2011/10/18/question-122-should-i-move-away-from-my-abusive-family/

    https://captainawkward.com/2015/10/05/762-helicopter-parents-and-moving-out/

    https://captainawkward.com/2017/07/12/991-how-do-i-keep-my-dreams-alive-over-the-naysaying-of-my-family/#more-36400

    https://captainawkward.com/2015/09/03/741-visiting-parents-and-a-short-boundary-practice-course/#more-8150

    I know you can make it through this. Please please please please update us. There are a lot of people who want to help you and want you to make it through. I’ll be praying for you too.

  93. Anonyna*

    LW. Alison never suggests quitting a job without one lined up. Like, ever. She’s not exaggerating. No one can overstate the absolute lunacy of what’ve you’ve described. Get. Out. Now.

  94. Lady Phoenix*

    I think in this case, this is an “abandon ship” situation: your boss is highly innapropriate towards you and the level of intimacy between her and you family has destroyed all work boundaries. I don’t think there is a way to back out without being fired—which will be extremely messy.

    I honestly think you need to get away from ALL of these people: your dad, your boss, and your mon.

  96. Buckeye*

    Holy Moly. OP please don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about this insane situation that Jill and your Dad have created. I have also been in the middle of a bad parent/step-parent relationship and, though it was incredibly hard to do, extrapolating from the situation was the only option in the interest of self care. They don’t appear to be interested in your well-being at the moment, so you don’t have to invest so much of yourself into theirs. I hope you’re able to find another job soon and by no means should you consider attending their couples therapy. That is one of the most manipulative things I’ve ever heard and I would be shocked if any decent therapist allowed it in their sessions.

  97. Narise*

    Apply through temp agencies in your area. A lot of those have jobs starting every day and can last weeks and lead to additional jobs and permanent placements. Do not give Jill two weeks notice. Instead, once you find a job, tell Jill and your Dad you don’t want to come between them as they obviously deserve each other and that you are leaving for their benefit. Yes you can send this via text so you never have to be in a room with them again.

    After you leave take 30 days away from your dad and regain your sanity. Block Jill’s number from your cell and if your dad ever let’s her text you from his number block his as well. Your relationship with your dad may recover but you DO NOT ever have to see or talk to Jill again.

    1. mf*

      “Do not give Jill two weeks notice. Instead, once you find a job, tell Jill and your Dad you don’t want to come between them as they obviously deserve each other and that you are leaving for their benefit. ”

      Yes, this. Be prepared for Jill to lash out. You may want to block her number as soon as you quit. You may want to create a filter in your personal so she can’t reach you that way either. Block/unfriend on social media, etc.

  99. Drive it like you stole it*

    Oh, LW, so many Jedi hugs for you.

    1. You could certainly benefit from SOLO therapy sessions with Not Jill & Dad’s Therapist to help you recalibrate your sense of normal and how to draw boundaries with Dad regarding your (hopefully soon to be former) employment with Jill. Please seek that help out. Sliding scale therapists, internet counseling, peer counseling, however you can.

    2. Your familial support systems are about to crash – who is your professional Team You? What about the network with satellite staff members you have good relationships with? Professors and classmates from grad school you haven’t checked in with? Not to beg for a job. To ask how they’re doing and you’ve hit a rough
    professional patch and can you pick their brain for advice.

    3. Those friends telling you you’re being gaslit and taken advantage of and living in the house of bees and velociraptors? That’s your personal Team You. Let them help you with your self care. Maybe run small interference plays on your dad if he’s playing messenger for Jill. Whatever works.

    It’ll be rough, but you’ll get through it. The day you realize Jill no longer has any power over you will be amazing. I hope it’s soon.

    1. mf*

      Good point. The OP will need people on her side after she quits, especially since Jill will likely lash out when OP gives notice.

    3. caligirl*

      OP – maybe your school has some counseling options available to you for free as an alum? Or maybe you can be a tutor there so you can decompress a bit?
      There are lots of us wishing the best for you – you can do this!!!

  100. Colorado*

    Oh my word OP! This is horrible! It’s not you and has nothing to do with the era you were born. Go to a temp agency today. Go to a restaurant that is hiring. It will not hurt your career. You are young and sounds like you need some time to take care of yourself, regain your confidence, and separate from this crazy train. Your dad is an adult and he can take care of himself. Alison’s last sentence says it all. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It breaks my heart.

  101. CaribouInIgloo*

    WHAT. THE. FRESH. HELL.
    OP, you need to get out of this Stephen King psychological horror novel ASAP, THEN you can worry about your dad being in an abusive relationship with Satan’s spawn.
    Just, please take care of yourself first, and let us know when you’re out of that nightmare.

  102. LiveAndLetDie*

    OP please, please take Alison’s advice and find a job as fast as you can and get out of this one! Furthermore might I suggest also:

    1) Moving far enough away that you would have to actually plan and organize visits to or from these people and
    2) Possibly revisiting whether or not you need to actually keep regular contact with your family members and
    3) Maybe even consider faking your death and starting a new life and leaving all this behind?

  103. Archie Goodwin*

    I left a toxic job after three-and-a-half months once. Three months later I interviewed for the job I currently have…which I’ve held for over a year and a half now. It doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker if you’re forthright and honest with interviewers; I explained my circumstances dispassionately, and clearly, and nobody seemed to hold it against me.

    Get out, the sooner the better. Your mental health isn’t worth the strain you’re putting on it.

    1. Archie Goodwin*

      Gad…I just read that last sentence and it doesn’t sound at all like what I meant.
      What I was TRYING to say was…your mental health is worth looking after. You DON’T want to be putting this much strain on it.

      *sigh* I can write. Really, I can.

  104. Paloma Pigeon*

    OP, go work anywhere else – fast food, gas station, temp, anything. Take a deep breath, enjoy not being around insanity, stop talking about work with BOTH your parents, and just be. FWIW, this is one of the most toxic situations I’ve ever seen described on AAM, and that’s saying something. You are not crazy. Your boss is. Trust me on this one.

    1. InMyCubbie*

      I’ve done that – fast food, gas station, waiting tables and tending bar. Some of the best job and life experience , and I like hiring people who worked in those service areas. The skills are highly transferable. Your friends sound awesome, and might be able to help get the resume in order and role play interviewing. I have not been in a situation like yours, but I have been in a situation with where the rules were constantly changing, I was humiliated daily by a toxic boss and his b**** fiance. I quit without another job lined up, and it was scary. When I gave my two weeks notice, he kicked me out of the office right then. The drive home was the first time in months that I wasn’t crying – and even with the fear of the unknown, that I could actually breathe.

  105. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    This is one of those rare situations that I would quit a job even without something else lined up. I really, really hope OP is in a good enough financial place (even if for a very short while) to leave immediately.

    All the best of luck to you, OP.

  106. Professional Cat Herder*

    LW, would you be comfortable sharing what city you live in? If you’re close to me, I’d love to share any job leads I have with you. This is a shocking situation that you do not deserve at all and I’d love to help you get out in any way I can.

  107. MuseumChick*

    There has been a lot said about Jill. But can we take a second to reflect on how terrible the OP’s dad is being in this situation?

    2. mf*

      I feel terrible for her. He’s throwing her under the bus in order to save his relationship with Jill.

    3. Amber Rose*

      I tried to leave that alone because the emphasis here is on escaping the crazy boss, but… yeah.

      I give the dude a bit of leeway because he’s also being manipulated and likely abused, and that really messes with your sense of normalcy and stuff. But still. This is not how you parent. This is how you convince your kids to never speak to you again.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Yeah. People like Jill tend to have a talent for warping and breaking everyone around them. Not saying it’s okay, but he’s likely being abused as well.

        But LW needs to save herself first. She can get out from this mess and decide what may (or may not) be worth salvaging later.

    4. Nita*

      Yes. Very Cinderella. In the original story, he’s very much alive, but puzzlingly does nothing to protect his daughter from abuse.

    5. worried about you, LW*

      oh hell yeah, dad is terrible. He became an abuser when he joined Jill in berating the LW. He sat across the table from his own daughter for 45 minutes (!!) dishing out this crap (or in the most generous interpretion, didn’t intervene). He let Jill corner his daughter so she couldn’t leave. Wtf??

      No loving parent treats their child this way. IMO, dad and Jill are both emotionally abusing the LW.

      LW: you deserve respect. Get out; don’t trust your dad (or even your mom) to look out for your best interests. Listen to your friends who are worried about your health. Contact Alison for the resume help she offered and the job leads the commenters are offering.

  108. Some Sort of Management Consultant*

    I posted this in a reply but I really, really wanted to increase the chances of the LW seeing it.

    LW, if I were you, I’d also make copies of any identification or other important documents, get a PO box and ensure your father (and honestly, your mom too) doesn’t have any access to your bank accounts. Freeze your credit as well.
    Do it soon, and all quiet-like.

    Maybe it’s totally unnecessary, but it also can’t hurt.

    1. Boredatwork*

      +1 this is very important. I think that once OP stops playing the game, things are going to get BAD. Make sure you protect yourself financially.

    2. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      This is excellent advice. I do not trust any of the adults in this letter other than the OP. She needs to protect herself immediately.

      1. Carrie*

        There must be resources like this intended for victims/survivors of domestic violence. But at a minimum, make sure you have your birth certificate, your social security card, any sort of verification of your education, your license, your passport, etc. Preferably get them out of the house before you do anything else. Make sure you don’t have any joint financial accounts. Maybe even talk to a lawyer if you can afford it to see if there are other things you might want to do.

    4. MuseumChick*

      So much this. LW, take a day or two to set this up, gather all your important documents, double check that only you have access to your accounts, everything that SSMC says, plus find a friend to crash with for a little while just in case.

      As you have good relationship with board members after all this is set up I would contact them ASAP and very professionally let them know what has been going on and that give the circumstance you will have to quit. It could be that the board will step in but you should be prepared to leave your job. Give the typical two weeks noice, Jill is crazy enough to make you leave immediately. Find some crappy part time jobs and breath a huge sigh of relief. Also, let your dad know that until he profuse apologize to you for his behavior you will have to limit contact with him. Remember, he will pass any information about you along to Jill.

      1. Agent Diane*

        All this. And copy the contact details of her publisher before you go. You shouldn’t need to use it, but if you have it you can always decide to inform them she is using a ghostwriter etc.

    6. OlympiasEpiriot*

      Really good point. Afaik, you can freeze your credit for free once a year. At least, it was when I did it in 2011.

      And THEN leave the country. Please.

      Link on how to teach English abroad, from the US. https://www.gooverseas.com/blog/teaching-english-abroad-requirements?view_mode=exp

      If you are in the UK, (but I don’t think so based on the letter) https://www.britishcouncil.org/study-work-abroad/english-language-assistants

      If you are in Canada, here…they suggest teaching English in Japan: https://travel.gc.ca/travelling/publications/teaching-english-in-japan

      Or, depending on how your personal interests run: http://en.legion-recrute.com/ Yes, women now (as of a decree by the French government in 2000) can ALSO turn up in Marseilles, show a passport, prove they can read and write in whatever language is their Mother Tongue, and sign their lives away for 5 years under whatever name they ask to enlist under.

      Or, click on my name and there’s the employment info page for Doctors Without Borders.

  109. Sarah M*

    OP, this situation is completely insane. It’s not you, it’s Jill (and your dad). None of this is appropriate or normal. Please take Alison’s advice to heart and just disengage whenever she lights up. I hope you find something else soon.

  110. Boredatwork*

    OP – I am so sorry that you had a hard time finding a first job out of college. This entire situation is so very unhealthy, you need to leave. Allison’s advice is spot on, I would actively disengage. Do the bare minimum to keep your job and job search as much as possible. Once you start pushing back, I’m really worried about your boss retaliating. Can you go to the board?

    You also need to go radio silent with your Dad, I don’t think you can trust him with any information, especially about your job search. Based on this I’d bet money your boss would call any company she knew you were interviewing with and trash you.

  111. Matilda Jefferies*

    OP, I’m curious about your mom. Does she know the full extent of what’s going on in your workplace? Does she know how horribly your father and his girlfriend are treating you, and the impact it’s having on your health?

    I ask because it’s kind of an unusual response from a mother, to prioritize her kid’s potential future career over her actual current health – or at least to this extent. Not impossible, of course, and if your mom does know what’s going on and is still advising you to stay, then please ignore the rest of this post.

    My guess (and my hope!) is that you haven’t told her what’s going on there, because you don’t want her to worry. And because she doesn’t know the full extent of it, she’s likely assuming that this is a crappy job, but just an ordinary run of the mill crappy job, and that it’s worth it for you to suck it up for a while for the sake of your resume.

    But the thing is, if she doesn’t know what’s going on, she can’t help you! My guess is that she’s giving the best advice she can, based on her understanding of the circumstances. So if you haven’t told her – and if you trust her, of course – please sit down and tell her now. Or show her a copy of this letter, if you can’t bring yourself to say the words. Let her worry, and let her take care of you. Because of all the things in the world, this is one that she *should* worry about! Hopefully she’ll be able to give you some financial help and a place to stay, but if not, maybe she can at least provide some emotional support and act as a barrier between you and your father.

    Again, if your mom already knows the situation and is still offering bad career advice, none of this applies. Or if the reason you haven’t told her is because you don’t trust her for whatever reason, then it also doesn’t apply. But if she doesn’t know, and if the reason she doesn’t know is that you have been kindly trying to keep her out of it – now is the time to bring her into it. If she’s the kind of mom who would be there for you if you needed her – trust me, you need her. Best of luck. <3

  112. mf*

    OP, this is BAD. SO SO BAD, and IT’S NOT YOU.

    I 100% agree with Alison’s advice but I’d add two things:

    1. Set some boundaries with your dad. When he brings up Jill or your job, refuse to discuss it or change the subject: “Dad, I don’t want to talk about work.” Or: “It’s been a long day. Can we talk about something other than my job?”

    2. If you are forced to go to therapy, try getting the therapist’s name first and contact him/her in advance. Tell the therapist you want them to know that Jill has made it a requirement of your job that you attend family therapy with her and your dad. Hopefully (if the therapist is any good at all), this will be a big red flag for them.

    1. Observer*

      They can’t force her to go to therapy. If Jill puts her on a PIP or probation for refusing to go, she should show it to the Board immediately, as well as keeping copies. This way if she gets fired over this, she’ll have everything she needs for Unemployment, and hopefully the Board members will be willing to give a bit of help.

      1. mf*

        They can’t force her but OP truly can’t afford to quit or be fired, I could understand why she’d agree to go to therapy. Hopefully it won’t come to that but if it does, maybe if the therapist knows she was coerced, the therapist will refuse to take this session with Jill and the OP.

        1. Observer*

          The thing is that if the therapist refuses to take the session, then Jill is not going to react well. And if the therapist is an incompetent idiot, then going to these sessions will put her in even more danger.

  113. Espeon*

    JFC.

    OP, I can feel the distress in your letter; please, please, please just leave. For the sake of your health in every respect you need to get out of this situation as quickly as possible, and I assure you you will be just fine!

    I understand that your difficulty in finding a job the first time will have compromised your confidence, but nothing about this whole situation is normal or acceptable. At all.

    Your mum is wrong and I’m sorry that she’s scaremongering you too; people leave jobs, get fired etc all day everyday and under all kinds of circumstances and for all kinds of reasons and they work again just fine – I’m one of those people! Your age has nothing to do with this, the millennials thing is an excuse to complain created and regurgitated by the kind of people who’s lives are small and revolve around complaining.

    Good Luck OP <3

  114. Free Meerkats*

    This was a much bigger train wreck than I expected from the tease on Twitter.

    I’d donate to the GoFundMe to get her out of this mess, and to a far away city.

    1. WillyNilly*

      I would too. 900+ responses, if even just half of us chipped in $1, it’d probably float LW for at least a month.

      LW its that bad. Seriously, when strangers are plotting how to get you out of a bad situation, its bad.

  115. Health Insurance Nerd*

    I’m trying to form some kind of coherent comment for this letter, but I can’t because I’m fairly certain that part of my brain exploded while I was reading it.

  116. Totally Minnie*

    Holy. Effing. Crap.

    OP, some Goodwill locations (yes, the thrift store) have career centers that will help you with your resume and job search. Some public libraries have job search seminars. Do some googling and see if there’s anything like that in your area so you can improve your chances at getting out of this train wreck you’re trapped in.

    Also, when you do get a new job, it may be necessary to take a break from your relationship with your dad. That’s okay, and you can set whatever boundaries you need to get your mental health back on track. If he gets upset with you over this, that’s a him problem, not a you problem.

    1. Bea*

      Also temp agencies who are worth anything will assist with resume polishing and interviewing.

  117. Bea*

    This lady is fcked up beyond belief and I’m shaking reading that you’re dealing with this kind of insanity. I hope you find your strength and leave this situation, she will trap you and eventually kill you one way or another, these people do not change. She’s a manipulative freakshow who cannot be trusted.

    Do anything. Take any job that will pay your bills. Do not let them wrap up up in this dramatic clusterfuck.

  119. EmKay*

    This is not normal. This is not normal. This is not normal.

    None of this is normal.

    Change your number, change your name, change your face with cosmetic surgery, and leave the country. I’m only half joking.

    1. EmKay*

      By the way, I am in Montreal. If you are not allergic to cats, you can come crash at my place and we’ll find you a job. I am 100% serious. Adding my email to this comment box so Allison can find me if need be.

      1. JessaB*

        Dayton OH, pullout sofa, one cat, apartment up one flight of seven stairs, if that’s relevant to any disability you have. My rental agent will not throw a fit if I take in an abused person for a time.

  120. London Engineer*

    OP I have nothing to add except adding my voice to the chorus of RUN AWAAAAY

    Bear in mind that this situation is so far beyond normal that the comments section is basically united in its opinions – compared with ASAP-gate or whatever the latest phobia letter was, or any number of terrrible, no-good very bad bosses who still weren’t bad enough that people were in agreement that leaving if at all possible, even with nothing lined up was the best option.

  121. Lab Experiment*

    Long time reader, first time commenter… There are already loads of great suggestions and support in the comments, but I am moved to add one more since I think this deserves to have the most comments, ever. As Kate posted (11:05am), “OP, you in danger, girl.” You aren’t imaning any of the abuse here; you aren’t a whiny entitled millenial. If temping is an option, I definitely second that.

  122. Erin*

    Okay, this is one of those letters where I would like to beg, BEG the OP to please show this post to the offenders, in this case Jill and the dad. It would be the in-your-face wake up they both need and I’m assuming it would be incredibly gratifying, and you deserve that.

    1. MuseumChick*

      My fantasy for the OP quitting is to call her Dad and Jill in for a meeting, sit them down and say “After you asked me to attend family therapy about work matters I really felt that it was a bad idea and unprofessional. But I wanted a second opinion so I wrote into a world renowed job advice site and this is what they had to say *hands over the letter with Alison’s answer* Turns out you all are the crazy ones. Good luck to you, I quit neither of you call me ever again. *Walks out*”

      If only the world worked this way.

      1. Erin*

        That would be so wonderful! Yes admittedly it’s a bit of a pipe dream and there are reasons not to go this way, as commenters mention below. But if it’s at all possible and she’s comfortable doing it, I would still encourage her to. The timing would need to be crucial.

    2. Eye of Sauron*

      Oh goodness no… This will never help. It will only light a match to the crazy gasoline. FTR, I’m a super direct person and am not known for my discretion usually opting for direct, but this is one situation I would quietly work on an immediate exit plan and execute with the least amount of confrontation possible.

      Jill and Dad are delusional at best, malicious at worst… nothing good can come of this especially as I suspect* the OP is still living with one of the parents. Once the OP has gotten some distance, then maybe, but even then would not likely result in anything resembling self reflection from Dad and Jill.

      *Nothing in the letter to support this, just seems likely with the odd hours and just starting out vibe I got from the letter.

      1. EmKay*

        I got that feeling too, that OP may still be living with a parent. And I agree 100%, she needs to keep her escape plans secret until the last possible moment.

    3. smoke tree*

      Nah, Jill has gone too far over to the dark side for any wake up call to be effective. The OP has already said that she won’t accept even the most basic correction. Maybe her dad will come around eventually, but he may have already torched their relationship by then.

    4. carlosthedwarf*

      This is NOT how that interaction would go. Jill and Dad would both insist that OP was lying about key details, or exaggerating. They would argue that she should be grateful to have this job and should do anything necessary to keep it. (Source: I grew up with narcissistic manipulative parents with boundary issues, and this feels like my interactions with them, just a thousand times worse)

    5. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      I would not recommend it for all the above reasons. There might never be a wake-up call for Jill.

    6. This Daydreamer*

      I love the fantasy but it would be far safer if the LW didn’t give any hints before she leaves.

    1. mf*

      Also, OP is clearly an hourly employee but Jill is making her work all kinds of long hours. D’ya think OP is getting paid for those hours, including OT? Unlikely. This is a labor lawsuit waiting to happen.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Ghostwriting is a common practice. The publisher doesn’t care, as long as she owns the copyright.
      If she & dad do split up, and don’t have anything in writing, he could make it messy. But since the LW’s whole goal here is to *out* of this situation, engaging in Jill’s own brand of blackmail tactics would be the exact opposite of what LW wants.

      1. Gazebo Slayer*

        Once the book is published, publicly exposing the ghostwriting might be a possibility. I’m imagining the shitstorm that would result from the revelation that a memoir about being a woman of color in business was actually written by a white guy.

  124. The Expendible Redshirt*

    *look of horror*
    OP, you are not the problem here. Your boss and father are so phenomenally out of line that they are wandering about in the Pegasus Galaxy. In your place, I’d look at my budget to see if government assistance (welfare/employment insurance/coins under the sofa) would be enough to cover expenses. Stay in this job only as long as is required, and not a second longer. Holy guacamole batman!

  125. Nonprofit*

    OMG, do you work with my former boss? Are you in NC?

    Please get out, OP! I had a super dysfunctional boss in my 2nd job after grad school. She constantly blurred work and family. She would bring her kids in and expect people to watch them. She would berate me, telling me I don’t listen like her daughter (who was a child), text me at all hours of the day and night, and get enraged if I didn’t immediately respond. She would send me insulting emails about not “being available” when she texted. She constantly told me she was disappointed in me and expected more from someone with a Master’s from University (meanwhile, she had an associates degree, which is not a bad thing, but made me feel bad).

    I lasted five months. She then fired me when I was in the hospital for 4 days, even though I had emailed about the situation (MRSA infection). She called me and left a voicemail saying as of today, I was no longer employed there. She previously had fired another woman who had cancer because “it was going to make our insurance premiums rise”.

    Getting fired was the best thing that happened to me! There ARE better jobs and work environments out there. Please, take any position you can! Sending you hugs from this internet stranger.

    1. Bea*

      She was probably over compensating for the fact she had less education than you. *shivers* Those people.

      I’m glad she’s firing left and right for health issues, I hope someone snatches whatever money she has in a wrongful termination suit one day.

  126. Bionerd*

    OP,
    You may even consider quitting on the spot. You don’t have to go back. You don’t have to explain to your boss. Text her that you quit. And then block her calls. Two weeks notice is a professional courtesy, not a rule. This person sounds so nuts that you’re not going to get a good reference out if her no matter how professional you act. So cut your losses, protect your health, and don’t go back. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

    Be prepared for your father to start in on you. But you don’t have to play along. You can hold firm and minimize contact with him if you need to. Lean on your friends. They have your back.

  127. Nita*

    So. This is a legit abusive situation, and unfortunately your “dad” is just as guilty as Jill. No idea if he’s always been like this, or the relationship has robbed him of sense, but that’s not relevant now. The important thing is, you need to get out and, at least for the moment, cut contact with the both of them. You are NOT being whiny or immature. This situation is all kinds of not normal. Your mother is not coming off so well here, so you may not be able to lean on her for support for some time.

    If you have the ability to go wait tables and crash on a friend’s couch while you’re sending out resumes, go for it. Screwing up your mental and physical health is not going to do anything for your long-term career. The fact that you seem to be dedicated, hard-working, multi-talented, and relatively cool in the face of really weird situations is going to do a lot more for you. But you’ve got to respect yourself first, and get out of this mess.

  128. I'm Not Phyllis*

    OP, I can’t even wrap my head around how many levels of wrong your boss’s behaviour is. Even without the added complication of the therapy and your dad – all of this is so far from normal. I’m an Executive Assistant and have never had to put up with anything resembling this level of bad even from the last toxic environment I left. If you can, leave now, but if you can’t I 100% agree with Alison – disengage emotionally as much as you can because this is NOT on you. You have a terrible boss, and it happens, but that doesn’t make you a terrible employee.

  129. anne*

    Is this even real? Some of these letters are starting to seem so bizarre it is beyond what I can reasonably believe. The cynic in me wonders if someone is making them up and posting for the sensationalism, clicks, engagement, etc….

    I would find this website a lot more useful if letters with highly specific and strange scenarios like this one were minimized. maybe there could be a totally separate section for letters like this, i/e “bad behavior hall of shame” for those who want to read stuff like this

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’ve had back and forth with the letter-writer; I believe she’s real (and feeling a lot of desperation). I think the implication here is that I could be making this stuff up. I do not have the creativity for this kind of thing; I am one of the least creative people you’ll ever meet. And for what it’s worth, this site does not have a problem with clicks or engagement even with fairly mundane letters.

      Certainly not every type of letter will be for everyone though! Different people like different things, just as I suspect some people would gladly never read another letter here about cover letters or asking for a raise. I print the stuff I find interesting, and assume people will read what they like and skip what they don’t. (But frankly, if I never printed highly specific scenarios, we’d see the same basic 50 questions over and over again. To me, the specifics are what make it interesting.)

      1. anne*

        Got it! thx for the reply and I totally get what you are saying about question variety. I wasn’t thinking YOU were writing letters, just that other people might be submitting them almost like highly-embellished fan fiction….but it sounds like you are on the lookout for that and it’s not the case here.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I do think that probably happens sometimes! I think every advice columnist gets punked now and then. I try to screen out letters that I think are fakes, but I’m sure I’m not perfect at it! But I’m also okay with that if some slip by me — I figure if it happens, it’s still helpful and useful to someone, or even just interesting. (Similar to how I’ve occasionally done posts about characters in literature or TV, actually.)

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        How long ago did you receive this letter? I know you get a lot and don’t always publish/respond immediately.

          1. Secretary*

            Is the LW ok Alison? Did she quit yet? I’m really emotionally invested in how she is.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              She has not quit yet that I know of, but I’m hoping she’ll update us! I just emailed her to encourage her to read the comment section to see all the offers of help from people.

              2. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

                Thank you! I’m not OP, and I am overwhelmed by all the tangible offers of help in this thread. Best of luck to OP! Hope she reads the comments!

              4. I'm A Little TeaPot*

                She posted towards the bottom, so she’s at least looked a little bit.

              5. Not So NewReader*

                You may not see this. But if you could let us know that she is reading the comments that would be cool. I know my eyes got a little damp from seeing all the offers for help, and other people commented that way, too. It would be good for OP to see how many kind people are out here in the world.

            3. Detective Amy Santiago*

              Same! I hope that she has a chance to come into the comments and update us.

      3. Nonprofit*

        I believe it. I had a toxic work environment not quite at this level, but similarly unbelievable. I have also heard so many horror stories from friends and colleagues.

      4. Let's Talk About Splett*

        Speaking as someone who’s been a regular on a few internet forums, it would be the OP I’d assume was making up or fabricating a story, not you.

    2. Anon Accountant*

      Anne I could tell you stories from my last job that would have you saying “there’s no way this is real”. But it’d be 100% true and coworkers could verify. Sometimes organizations and people are unbelievably toxic.

      2. Gazebo Slayer*

        Yes. And terrible people depend on that reaction to get away with their behavior.

    3. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      Anyone who’s familiar with abusive situations finds this letter very believable. Even if it is made up (which I do not think is the case at all) there are people who are in similar situations who’ll find the advice and support helpful.

    4. Not a Mere Device*

      If you don’t believe this is real, you and your friends are fortunate (or your friends aren’t telling you the worst, because they expect that kind of response).

      There’s advice here for all sorts of situations, the common and the (thankfully) rare.

      1. anne*

        lol of course I have encountered toxic, maniacal bosses and other forms of emotional abuse in my professional and personal life. but even still, this story has elements of it that are a litttttle harder to take at face value. and if a friend or acquaintance or anyone I knew personally told me this story or a similar one, of course I would believe them and empathize immediately, but this is writing on the internet. surely you don’t believe every single thing you read on the internet?

        1. Squeeble*

          But why would it matter? If it’s true, there’s a lot of great advice here to help get someone out of an incredibly awful situation. If for some reason it’s made up, no harm done.

        2. jo*

          The thing is, this isn’t just a toxic or abusive boss–it’s a toxic abusive person who happened to get her boyfriend’s daughter as an employee. She’s probably a lot worse to the OP than to any other employee just because she thinks they are all but family, so she doesn’t have to observe boundaries.

          The letter is a realistic illustration of what could happen to someone who ends up working for a family member/family friend who is also abusive.

    5. Bea*

      God bless you for never having encountered extreme personalities and manic abusive bosses.

      I have seen these kinds of things up close and personal, without ever having to report to anyone that extreme thankfully. I hightailed it the one time I was training somewhere the owner lost her temper on someone else. I don’t do screaming.

    6. SunshineOH*

      Oh for the love. Are you serious?? If there’s even a 10% chance that ANY of this is true, this person needs help! You don’t have to participate in the discussion.

    7. CaliCali*

      1) Speculating on whether a letter is real isn’t particularly helpful. Even if this one was the figment of someone’s fanciful imagination, enough people (myself included) have had similar lived experiences to this, and the advice can be helpful.
      2) Piggybacking on my point about experience, I have zero doubt this is real. The scenario is sad and detailed enough, and it lacks some of the more dramatic flourishes that fabulists tend to employ.

      1. Clarice Fitzpatrick*

        Yeah, really the worst thing I see if a letter is outlandish and fake is….we’re all empathetic and/or entertained to some degree. Some letters get huge traction outside of here (the intern dress code petition) and end up sparking myopic, obnoxious discussion but it’s not necessarily a waste of time as you said, Alison still gives pretty good advice for similar situations.

        It can feel crummy and embarrassing to think you’re being hoodwinked, but there’s no way to tell unless you actually recognize and know the LW (which has happened) or a detail is so contradictory and literally impossible. And these happen so rarely it’s usually best to assume good faith.

    8. Wolfess*

      I find highly specific scenarios MORE helpful in learning specific ways/wording to deal with real situations (even if they’re not exactly equivalent) than generic posts. That’s primarily why I’ve been reading this site for years (in addition to the interest factor). For whatever reason, I understand patterns much better when given specifics to work with. I have an easier time generating patterns from specifics than generating specifics from patterns, if that makes any sense. After reading letter responses from Alison for so long, I can often (but not always!) predict how in general she will respond based on the specifics of a scenario. The site has helped me communicate so much better at work because of the way it’s structured now. I totally get if other readers find general scenarios more helpful, but I wanted to put in a voice for readers like me!

      1. jo*

        Exactly! Posts like these demonstrate how to *apply* the concepts Alison writes about in her more theoretical or garden-variety-situation type posts.

    9. MissDissplaced*

      I’m sure some try to fake it, but this sounds pretty real to me. The boss dating the dad may be a new twist, but I’ve seen or known people in a number of dysfunctional family-run or husband/wife run stories that have similar veins. They don’t usually end well.

  130. Not a Mere Device*

    “Entitled millennial” is systematic negging, a way for Boomers and sometimes Gen X people to say “what makes you think you should have as good a life as a lot of us take for granted?” Try not to believe it: there’s nothing about having been born between 1947 and 1964 that means we deserve a better standard of living than people younger than us. (There are complicated reasons why things have gotten worse, but none of them are “because we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps, why can’t you?”)

    1. Gazebo Slayer*

      +10000000

      (Also, it’s systematic anti-worker propaganda. Ever notice how hardly anyone ever complains about how entitled wealthy people are? It’s usually a complaint directed downward.)

  131. Annastasia von Beaverhausen*

    Holy Shit.

    This is so, so awful OP – and 0% your fault. You need to flee. Flee the scene. Now. Take Alison up on her offer for resume advice and run for the hills.

  132. Jady*

    I’m curious what a person could do about this, if we make the assumption that it’s >25 employees and ADA applies, and Boss threatened your job over it.

    Is there somewhere you would report this? Would you have to file a lawsuit? Could you quit under hostile work conditions (or something)? Could you get unemployment if you did quit?

  133. LawBee*

    oh my god.

    OP, what a horrible situation to be in! It is 0% your fault or due to any failings on your part, and 100% Jill and your DAD WTF DAD. All the sympathy, and if I could hire you today, I would.

    Honestly, working the shittiest job ever would be better than this gaslighting terror of a boss.

  134. Bea*

    You are not the problem and this has nothing to do with you being a millennial. LETS GET THIS STRAIGHT!!! Many of us on this site are your generation. I’ve been working since I was 19 and my hard working tough parents never ever gave me any static over quitting a job that was toxic and emotionally violent. Your parents are wrong. Parents can be wrong. They love you but they do not know everything and their scars are real, they learned to accept bad behavior somewhere and that’s their cross to carry, you do not have to pick up their baggage, it won’t fix anything and drags out everyone’s suffering.

    You are going to break out of this cycle. Listen to your friends. Listen to strangers begging you to take care of yourself. You’re capable and you’re strong enough to get out of this mess.

  135. Sick systems*

    This reminds me so much of the article “Sick systems: How to keep someone with you forever”. I am sure I first heard about it in the comments of this page. The link is in the name.
    A sick system has four basic rules:
    Rule 1: Keep them too busy to think.
    Rule 2: Keep them tired.
    Rule 3: Keep them emotionally involved.
    Rule 4: Reward intermittently. (Except this one? Are there any – ANY positive about your work day? At all??)
    OP, please get out of this as soon as possible!

      1. Rat in the Sugar*

        Hate to say it but I think the reward here is actually the Dad.

        Think about it: when Jill is not throwing a tantrum, OP can spend time with her Dad and experience his love and affection–but whenever Jill wants, she can hop on the phone and spend 30 minutes screaming at Dad about what a horrible person OP is, and the affection is withdrawn. The reward here is her relationship with her father. Ugh.

      2. This Daydreamer*

        The LW also said that there are periods when everything is fine between her and Jill. That’s the intermittent reward that keeps so many people in abusive relationships.

    2. Matilda Jefferies*

      Yes. And it’s worth highlighting that this is a deliberate strategy on Jill’s part – she’s not just being thoughtless or inconsiderate. She is messing with OP’s sleep by expecting an instant response at all hours and with no set schedule. Because who can sleep properly when at any moment they might (or might not!) get a text from their boss, who will punish them in some way if they don’t respond instantly!

      There is some debate as to whether or not sleep deprivation actually meets the legal definition of torture, but there is certainly widespread agreement that it is inhumane, degrading, and extremely psychologically damaging. OP, Jill is messing with your SLEEP. And she’s doing it on purpose, as a way of testing your loyalty to her (Rule 3), and of keeping you too tired to think straight (Rule 2.)

  136. Anon Accountant*

    Contact employment agencies in your area, post your resume on Monster and Indeed if comfortable. Contact even temp agencies. Restaurants are always seeking waitstaff, retail stores, grocery stores are options.

    Sorry you’re going through this.

  138. Ms. Minn*

    Oh my gosh, NOTHING about this is normal. Leave, get out now, RUN! Yes, it’s typically harder to find a job when you’re not currently employed, but this is so beyond crazy and affecting your health that it’s worth it to leave before finding another job.
    (I also hate to say this, but a couple times while reading, I thought “this is so, so crazy, it has to be made up.” I kind of hope it is? But if it really isn’t, please GOOD LORD LEAVE!!)

  139. amysee*

    My first job post-grad school turned out to be a toxic, dysfunctional mess (though, uh, nothing like this). I quit after less than a year with nothing lined up, signed up with a bunch of temp agencies, worked when I could and looked for a full-time gig when I couldn’t. It was stressful and scary and I ended up with a little credit card debt at the end, but leaving the bad place gave me the mental space (and a little financial motivation) to really job search, and I landed something that started me on the path to a career.

    You can do this, OP, and you’ll be better for it. It sounds like you’ve got good friends, so lean on them, save the job talk with your mom for when you’ve landed your next job, and good luck!

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      This reminded me of a toxic job I had, too. It was a part-time job I took when I’d essentially lost my main job after my older son was born. I only lasted six months. The hours were all over the place, the boss was unreasonable, and I was miserable. My husband gave me the okay to quit with nothing lined up, so I did. The boss was mad that I’d quit without notice (which I did because I knew him well enough to figure out that, if I’d give him a two-week notice, I’d just end up working 3 times the hours for two weeks for free.) He called me a person without integrity, and predicted that my sin would come back to me. (Not crazy talk at all!) I started a better job that was closer to my skills and paid several times as much, three weeks later; whereas he still hadn’t found anyone willing to replace me six months after I left (I didn’t check after that, so it could be that he’s still looking). Oddly enough, karma does exist!

  140. ScienceMommy*

    This is truly horrifying.

    OP, definitely get out. And also, if you can, tell the infant’s mother/father about the fact that Jill is not actually caring for the infant at all. As a mother, my heart almost stopped when I read that. I would definitely want to know about that if that was my baby!

    I really hope things work out for you and get better soon!

      1. ScienceMommy*

        I know, right?!? I can’t believe someone would actually intentionally leave their baby with this crazy woman, but OP says Jill is the grandmother, so maybe the parents are *wrongly* assuming that because this baby is a blood relative, Jill would actually take good care of the baby. And child care can be super expensive, so I get that people look for alternatives like having relatives watch their children. But if they are just handing the baby off to strangers, WTH??? If that were me, that train would stop right there, absolutely!

        1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

          I bet they have no idea that Jill isn’t watching the baby herself.

  141. tango*

    I’d quit this job without notice as soon as a I found something else. Even just waiting tables. I’d not even list it as a job when searching for something else. The reasoning is if you were to find another professional job and a reference/employment check was done, she’d bad mouth you and torpedo your chances. I’m sure she’d not act crazy to someone calling for a reference but come off as very reasonable, intelligent and and betrayed by a bad employee (YOU!) who she will then probably say she fired making it look like you’re a liar. Your best bet is to say you were traveling or handled a family emergency (and if anything is a family issue this one is) during the past year that is now resolved. I know it’s not ideal but unless you find something via someone here who knows your back story and can advocate for not contacting that crazy boss, I’d not even give her an opportunity to ruin my other chances. She’s so far crazy, I could see her calling your new employer to get you fired as punishment for standing up for yourself.

  142. TheBeetsMotel*

    Never had my shoulders shot up to my ears, and stayed there, faster!

    Echoing everyone else’s recommendation to get out ASAP. One advantage to this, though, is that you’ve gotten to see what a truly terrible and inappropriate boss looks like nice and early in your career. There’s something to be said for that, I think. Now you can go into future jobs prepared with a good idea of what Toxic and Unprofessional look like. Of course, that’s not to say you’ll never need to put up with anything remotely unpleasant in future jobs (but I’m sure you know that!), but having a yardstick of “how does this compare on the scale of Zero to Dad’sToxicGF?” will be handy.

  143. strchy*

    Classic narcissistic personality disorder! OP hot the nail on the head. For a work and career blog, this story is crazy pants, but in any group for family of (and direct reports to) NPDers, just another story of the day. Someone else will have as big of a whopper tomorrow.

    Aboslutely take the advice and get away. If possible, never negotiate. Just move on. And maybe consider whether your dad is NPD, too, and your mom NPD enabling. Family of NPD people put up with NPD bosses a lot longer because it triggers our rewards systems to please them. Your mom’s logic drips w NPD enabler-ness. Read up on dealing w narcissists and save yourself a lot of heartache in work and relationships. Those not raised in NPD families would have got out a loooooooooong time ago. You will benefit a lot from web resources on coping with (meaning getting away from) narcissists and, if I’m correct and there’s a narcissist in your family, on the narcissistic family.

    Oh, and the memoir thing is SUPER classic NPD. What could new more important and incredible than a narcissist’s life story? Every NPD person wants one. But they can’t focus long enough to write more than a page themselves. Many can’t even sit through an interview. (Cf., Tony Schwartz’ story about writing The Art of the Deal for the Narcissist-in-Chief.) Trust. I used to be a ghostwriter, and I used to be an assistant. Get away and figure out why you might be willing to stick w someone like this as long as you did, so that when you do it again, and you will, you get out that much faster.

    1. sheila_cpa*

      strchy, per the commenting rules, we don’t diagnose folks, no matter the behavior:

      • Don’t armchair-diagnose others (“it sounds like your coworker is autistic/has borderline personality disorder/etc.”). We can’t diagnose based on anecdotes on the internet, these statements often stigmatize people with those diagnoses, and it’s generally not useful to focus on disorders rather than practical advice for dealing with the person in question.

      1. M_Saurus*

        +10000000 diagnoses are intended to guide treatment, so unless you’re their therapist, please refrain from diagnosing .

        Signed,
        A Therapist

  144. tango*

    Oh one more thing. I wonder if the OP getting away will be the motivator for dad to get away from this crazy woman too. Maybe he’s allowed himself to some degree to be manipulated by her because she threatens your job to him and he feels he needs to go along. Now that doesn’t make it right but it’s a possible explanation. And if you don’t put up with it and break free, maybe that will help motivate him to do the same. And if not, at least you know that you can’t be blamed as the reason he stayed with someone so abusive.

  145. Indie*

    Nobody has to jump through hoops of fire to prove they’re not a spoiled millennial. This generation will experience toxic jobs and relationships too; knowing when to get the hell out of dodge is a venerable life skill. Learn how to be a quitter! Never quit on yourself, but on people you never want to see again? ASAP.

  146. PNWflowers*

    This has nothing to do with OP’s work situation (which as a fellow millennial- run girl run), but can I just throw a hat in the ring for the innocent baby being left with this whackadoodle known as Jill? Who would leave a child with her? Agh.

    Nothing else to add but a GIANT +1 for: quit, run and revamp your resume. Also, maybe get a therapist so you have someone unequivocally on YOUR side for support and setting boundaries. Cuz you got crazy coming at you from all sides and you need some reinforcements. Best of luck.

  147. peanutbutty*

    Crikey. I’m feeling a bit shaken and even teary reading this.
    (1) Allison has v kindly offered to look over your CV for free. Please email her to take her up on this offer.
    (2) As suggested above, get your “ducks in row”, without Jill, dad & mum’s knowledge before quitting this job
    – try to get one or two people who have worked with you via the company to agree to be references; mentioning that you’d appreciate their discretion with your current boss while your job hunting is a totally normal thing to do and they will not think you’re weird for requesting this
    – make sure your bank details cannot be accessed by Jill and/ or dad
    – get a new phone number and email
    – contact temping agencies and recruitment agencies to get on their books
    (3) Once you’ve done 2, and assuming you have any sort of financial buffer, quit this job and make some space between you and your dad.
    (4) If you don’t yet have a financial buffer, consider living as frugally as possible for say 3 months, to try and create one. e.g. google “frugal woods”. You might find it strangely liberating to live frugally if you know that it is helping you take ownership over this situation.
    (5) Know, from the immense responses here that you are NOT the problem and this is NOT normal.
    (6) Equally, know that many of us leaving comments have experienced toxic parentage and come out (more or less!) unscathed. This will not mark you for life (other than, a deep insight into how not to treat anyone you manage in the future of your long and successful career). Your dad may not be the initial driver of this situation, but he has become an enabler. That doesn’t mean you can never have a relationship with him in future, if you want to. But you need to get away from this job, and from Jill, and into a healing space first.
    (7) We are all rooting for you

    1. Annie Moose*

      With regards to references: because you recently graduated from grad school, consider if there’s anyone there who could be a reference for you as well.

  148. Michelle*

    OMG PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE QUIT THIS JOB

    This is probably close to the most insane, unreasonable thing I’ve ever heard. NONE of this is your fault. If she dumps your dad, that is on her and him, most definitely NOT YOU. I can’t even believe that a father knows what the heck is going on, buys into it and tried to guilt/manipulate you into going to couples therapy with them!!!

    Retail or waiting tables is nothing to be ashamed of. You need to get the hell out of this job and away from this woman.

  149. Pleather*

    I know my gut reaction is probably wrong considering how everyone else is reacting, but wouldn’t going to therapy help this situation? If Jill truly has NPD (which sounds completely feasible), group/family therapy could be an opportunity for the LW to get an advocate, learn to deal with Jill, and get help setting important boundaries.

    To be clear, I don’t think therapy should be threatened as a professional ultimatum, and I also definitely agree that LW should run from this job and get out of that part of the situation as quickly as possible. But suggesting all three of these people get together in a room with a professional actually seems like the best thing Jill’s done in this whole situation.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      LW should get individual therapy. There is literally no possible positive outcome for her going to family therapy with her dad and her boss though.

      1. Clarice Fitzpatrick*

        +1

        I don’t think anyone is ragging on therapy as a concept here, just these specific circumstances warrant a strong HELL NO for her boss and dad’s proposed therapy session.

    3. Lora*

      No, because that sort of thing takes years and in the case of NPD has a very low success rate regardless of therapist skill or willingness of family to help. And OP doesn’t owe Jill sh*t, except maybe a Post-It saying, “I quit, fk you”.

      Also, therapy is often actively harmful to people in abusive relationships.

    4. Old Admin*

      Not if the therapist has been misled. This once happened in my family, where a perp was being treated as a victim. *shudder*

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Yeah, you really have to be careful with the therapist in abusive situations.

    5. PNWflowers*

      Also, NPD (if Jill has it, which obviously we can’t diagnosis via the internet) it is NOTORIOUSLY hard to treat, even with a person is open to acknowledging they have it. In therapy, it often becomes a weapon with which to manipulate and control others. Not all therapists are equal, and it can be really difficult for even trained professionals to maintain control of those sessions. Personality disorders are pervasive and difficult to treat, some (many) providers won’t touch them with a 10 foot pole.

      So yes, if all parties were on the same page with “let’s learn boundaries and treat each other well and take responsibility for our own actions!” then yes, group therapy may be great. Jill wants therapy to further control OP. So not great.

    6. Observer*

      This is a super unhelpful and even dangerous suggestion.

      Jane has not “suggested” anything. She has DEMANDED that OP join them, so the therapist can “fix” the OP. There is NO way for that to end well.

      This reminds me of the “I gossiped letter”. One of the things that that OP had asked was whether to push for mediation. Alison, and most of the commenters were clear that it was a really inappropriate suggestion, but one person insisted that mediation was a GREAT idea and totally doubled down on it. Please don’t do that.

      1. Pleather*

        I didn’t suggest anything, it was a sincere question. I explicitly acknowledged that I was probably looking at it wrong, and that the way in which Jill specifically wielded therapy as an ultimatum here was inappropriate. I asked the question because I was looking for people to help me understand why my reflexive reaction that therapy = good was off base in this situation. Several commenters have provided helpful information I didn’t know about treatment of NPD and therapy dynamics in abusive situations, and I’m grateful to them.

        It’s unnecessary for you to chastise me for trying to understand the harms here or to characterize my question as a “dangerous suggestion.” I’m not sorry for trying to learn more about things I don’t understand and get a better grasp on the reaction to this post.

        1. Observer*

          Anything that encourages the OP to go along with this *IS* dangerous to her. She really, really doesn’t need to hear a discussion about the possible benefits, even if the end of it is that most people agree that it’s a bad idea.

          It’s worth noting that this is true regardless of what Jill’s diagnosis is, if she even has one.

    7. Oranges*

      Only reason most NPD go into therapy is to make the people around them behave like they should: aka do what the NPD wants.

      Therapy is where you get outside help to look at yourself, your situation, and your history honestly. NPD usually have zero pain tolerance for the self-shame that causes. It helps me to think of it like they have ego-hemophalia. Any damage done to their ego makes them self-implode. This would be fine except they tend to harm others avoiding the ego-damage or in the implosion after the ego-damage occurs.

    9. Sunshine on a Cloudy Day*

      I get what you’re saying/what you’re reasoning is. You would think that seeing a professional (who “should” be able handle Jill) interact with Jill might help OP learn techniques to interact with her as well. Also, if anyone could be an advocate for the OP (and that Jill might respect), you would think it would be a therapist…

      HOWEVER… this is a huge however… The main problem is that it’s a pretty well known phenomena that going to therapy with an abuser (and/or those with NPD) is ineffective (at best) and potentially actively harmful to the “victim”. These are expert manipulators (the abusers, I mean – think about it – they’ve managed to manipulate someone into sticking with them despite abhorrent behavior/treatment). They are sometimes (often even) able to manipulate the therapist into believing their “story” – showing the victim that, yet again, the abuser will always win and that someone who is in a position of authority or that should be helping them is not. If the abuser is unable to manipulate the therapist, then they will most likely discontinue the therapy (and possibly lash out the victim) – because the abuser’s whole life is centered around maintaining control of the narrative and the situation.

      This situation is different in that it’s not a “classic” domestic violence case where the OP is being abused by their romantic partner, but make no mistake – Jill IS emotionally abusing the OP, and that same dynamic would most likely come up in therapy.

      I’d say the only possibility for a positive outcome is if Jill’s therapist is a good one (so has no idea that the OP was being forced into this), Jill shows up to therapy with dad + OP and therapist goes “WTF this is so highly inappropriate Jill!”. OP would see someone stand up to Jill, and that would be good. But in my opinion, it’s pretty unlikely this will happen – if Jill were unable to manipulate this therapist then she probably wouldn’t continue seeing them with OP’s dad.

  150. Ms. Mad Scientist*

    This is not only a horrible work situation, this is a highly inappropriate family situation.

    OP, if she dumps your dad, it is not your fault.

    Also, please update us down the line and let us know how you’re doing.

  151. Clarice Fitzpatrick*

    Oh, LW, I’m so sorry. Just know that none of this is your fault. Working for someone connected to your family in that way isn’t always a great idea but leveraging connections (in very normal ways) usually does not turn into “My boss exploits and gaslights me constantly.”

    Please, please get out ASAP! Not only is this job obviously traumatizing you, the longer you stay, the more toxicity that’s gonna seep into your work mindset. There’s so many letters people have sent where they carry baggage from bad workplaces that skews their professional norms. It can be so hard to recover and remember what a healthy workplace should be like.

    Also ideally, find a job where you can relocate if you can. That’s not always an option but the farther away you can be away from your family, especially your dad (and his girlfriend), the better because I bet they’re gonna be keep on being disrespectful and demanding of you, even after you quit. I don’t know how you feel about the future of your relationship with your dad, but think it over. Go to therapy and talk it out. I’d say go extremely low contact/NC for a while once you quit but it’s up to you and what you think would be best. This stuff is always complicated and it can feel mean when you step away from family, even when they treated you badly.

  152. MuseumChick*

    Fantasy Ending:

    Alison receives a letter going something like “I was just let go as the chair of a non-profit. My boyfriend’s daughter was having a hard time finding a job so I very generously offered her a position as my executive assistant. She was a nightmare, all I asked was *list of deeply unreasonable things* finally, I very politely asked that she attend counseling with me and her father. She refused! Then she had the nerve to go and talk to the board. I’m not sure what was said but they fired me. Do I have recourse here?”

    1. Goya de la Mancha*

      I don’t know if that’s so much a fantasy ending as a partial truth. I’d lay money on the fact that Jill sees that as the reality in her little world!

        1. MuseumChick*

          Yup. That the board acts and the Jill is held accountable for her behavior.

    2. Oranges*

      Okay, that’s just beautifully freaky. Get out of Jill’s head you don’t know where it’s been.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      Except that she’s probably too savvy to list the inappropriate demands. It would be one of those letters with a big fuzzy spot in the middle.

  153. Nicelutherangirl*

    I sat with the headline for a minute before I read the letter. My first thought was: “No. No way.” Then I thought: “Well, I guess it could be useful if the therapist can help all parties concerned define and set boundaries that would prevent the boss from raising relationship issues with the lw/daughter, or talk about work issues with the lw’s father.”

    Then I read the letter. Ain’t no way my imagined best case scenario is going to happen, or that it even applies at this point!

    I don’t know if she’s documented any of this insanity, but whether or not she has, is it too late to bring all of this to the attention of the nonprofit’s board so that they can take some action – preferably removing Jill from her position?

    I hope that LW takes all the supportive, affirming advice to heart, and that she accepts one of the offers of help with updating her resume, finding a new job, and relocating. She deserves it. I’m just an appalled/concerned bystander to the LW’s situation now, and I’m incredibly moved by the generosity of the AAM community.

  154. Creag an Tuire*

    Question: Is this the first time AAM has outright said: “If you can’t afford to quit with nothing lined up, just… do a half-assed job until you can.”?

    Not saying it’s bad advice, mind. What a bag full of crazy.

    1. Amber Rose*

      I think so. Most jobs have some sort of redeeming… something. This one does not. It’s also an active threat to the LW’s health.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        I remember two other occasions where she said ‘consider quitting without something else lined up’. I’ve read most of the letters and have a good memory, so I’m very comfortable saying it happens less than once a year.

  155. Sam Yao*

    Jill will not give you a good reference, and will use the hope that she will as a carrot to dangle over you and make you dance. But she won’t. After you quit, reach out to some of those board members and others you have worked with who have spoken positively about your work, and see whether they will be references for you. I bet they will!

  156. Granny K*

    And I thought “The Devil Wears Prada” was bad. (Actually to OP: DON’T read that book or see the movie…at least not right now. It would just have you break out in hives because it is waaaay too close to your current situation. I’m breaking out in hives just reading your letter.)
    Please consider taking a contract job and reaching out to every headhunter you’ve ever touched basis with EVER. Contracts don’t provide insurance sometimes but they do pay more so you can buy your own. (Easy way to figure your hourly rate: If you’re making $40k per year, ask for $40 per hour.)

    Also, if you haven’t already start a profile on LinkedIn and Indeed, do so as well as updating them at least 1x per week. By updating, change a comma–doesn’t have to be a big change; this will update your profile date and when headhunters are searching for candidates, they’ll know you are actively seeking opportunities. Also put in your profile ‘actively seeking opportunities’.
    If there is ANY way you can get a loan from your mom so you can quit now, do that right now.
    Please take care of you and here’s hoping you can send a positive update soon.

  157. Not a Mere Device*

    Jill breaking up with your father if you quit isn’t a credible threat/thing to worry about, for the same reason that “if you quit, I will buy myself a new shirt” isn’t a credible threat: it might happen, but it’s not a bad thing. Risk assessment is done as something like “probability of event x how bad it would be.” If “how bad it would be” is zero, there’s no risk to take into account.

  158. essEss*

    Here are the conversations you need to have:
    1) To dad – “It is inappropriate for you to be involved in anything related to my job or to discuss any work-related topics with me. This stops now. If you continue to discuss my job performance I will have to leave the room.”
    2) To boss – “It is inappropriate for you to discuss ANY work-related issues regarding me to my father. It is a violation of my work privacy. It is also illegal to make couples therapy a condition of my employment. Couples therapy is not a job-related therapy. (http://www.kohp.com/can-employers-require-employees-with-emotional-issues-to-seek-counseling/). From now on, I need a weekly set schedule. We can choose to change the schedule from week to week, but I will only be available for the scheduled hours. If you call me outside of those hours, I am not available.
    3) To yourself. “I am an adult. No one has the right to browbeat me or insult me. If my parents try to do this, I will walk away and tell them that I am leaving until they can speak to me appropriately.”

  159. Michaela Westen*

    Wow. …..
    This reminds me of my verbally and emotionally abusive father. When I was around 20 he and his girlfriend trapped me in his living room and tore me to shreds in a very similar scene.
    You don’t say if your father was like this before he started dating your boss. If not, getting away from her might make him better. If so, you don’t need to be around him at all. Ever. I have to wonder why he moved in with her when they have so many issues. Is he oblivious to red flags? Surely he could find someone who’s not such a disaster?
    Your boss is doing a lot of emotionally and mentally abusive things. The yelling, belittling, cruelty, disrespecting your time, general disrespect. Also making up bad things about other people is a huge flag of general disrespect and cruelty towards everyone.
    Also claiming authorship of something she didn’t actually write – even without the aspect of it being about being a minority written by a white man – is completely unethical.
    Get away from her as fast as you can, and keep good distance until you recover. Get therapy if necessary. Stop seeing her and your father completely until they break up – and for a while after.

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      This is a good point about it being possible that OP’s father had changed after he started dating Jill. I can easily see someone like Jill messing with the head of the person they are dating, and bringing out the worst in that person. I have no other rational explanation for why he, not even has not left her yet, but is bending over backwards to keep her from leaving, like she threatens that she will! (If only.) I agree with the advice for OP to distance herself from both of them, from Jill indefinitely, and from OP’s father until he gets better post-Jill. Neither of them are healthy to be around at the moment.

  160. Will!*

    I know this is the least of your concerns, but as a publisher who sometimes dabbles in I Am A Pioneering Non Profit Figure memoirs, no one who meets Jill will for even a second think that she wrote her book (or believe a word of that book). We get these all the time, they are absurdly easy to spot, and they’re uniformly awful.

    Hell, you should send it my way so I can reject it.

    1. LilySparrow*

      Yes, and as a sometime-ghostwriter, let me add that we normally slap a PITA Premium on our rates to work with clients who set off the Jerk Radar. She’d have to get someone to write it for free, because there’s not enough money in the world for the PITA premium on her.

  161. The Ginger Ginger*

    Is there any chance that any of those highly complimentary board members will be references/work their network for you? Even if you leave right now?

    Is there any of them that you can say, “hey, I’ve enjoyed working with you, but now that my boss and father’s relationship has reached this level of seriousness, I think it’s a good idea for me to move on so as to not continue to muddy the waters of professional and family relationships. Would you be willing to be a reference for my time here? Do you know of anyone with an open position I’d be a good fit for?”

    Because Alison is right about everything. This isn’t your fault, and you should get out ASAP.

    1. TCO*

      My caution about reaching out to the board members is that word will get back to Jill that OP is leaving. If OP reaches out after she’s already left (and LEAVE TODAY, OP, if you can!) there’s probably less risk. Small nonprofits sometimes stack their boards with friends/supporters of the executive director, and Jill has probably won them all over to her side and pushed out anyone who dares to disagree. Once OP is gone it doesn’t really matter if Jill continues to gossip about her to the board, so at that point maybe it’s worth a shot to reach out to a board member or two that OP particularly trusts.

  162. Ellena*

    LW, *you* should be the one writing a book. You have both the skills and the material. But first quit that terrible job, you deserve so much better.

  163. Stacey*

    OP! I work for a great non-profit… you can work from home at one of our offices across the country. It’s great. If you’re interested, I can send you the link.
    Your current situation is nuclear waste toxic and for your mental health, you need to leave.

  164. Oxford Coma*

    JFC OP. Just put your things in a red handkerchief, tie it to a stick, and walk off into the sunset.

  165. nr*

    You mention waiting tables as a potential GTFO job option, and I think that’s probably a pretty good idea tbh bc restaurants hire really fast. They also expect a level of short-notice turnover that offices don’t, so they can be a good place to work while looking, and they probably won’t care so much if you don’t put your current boss as a reference. I’m not sure what you’re doing now, but as someone who’s worked in a lot of kitchens, I want to say that rushing to find something is a good time to (a) job hunt on Craigslist honestly and (b) carry a couple resumes around at all times, esp in your neighborhood, bc people get hired hella fast from literal hiring signs in the window. (Your friends might also know of things, ofc.) Restaurant customers can be pretty bad, but not constantly by text for months on end, and at least you’ll have the potential for some camaraderie about it.

  166. Amy S*

    Honestly, the response to this letter only needs to be one sentence. Get the f out and find a new job.

  167. Goya de la Mancha*

    I feel like Jill saw the comment section saying “There is no way there could be a worse boss out there” and was like “Hold my beer”.

  168. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    So LW. If Jill is still taking the list of why you can’t go to couples therapy with her and YOUR DAD, I have some ideas:

    – You’re not part of their relationship. You are related to your dad and you report to his girlfriend, but from any sane reading their problems are between them.

    – You would be in an unsafe position. When Jill and your dad are together, they have ganged up on you. A therapist they select is probably not trustworthy enough to look out for your safety.

    – Jill almost certainly doesn’t have standing to compel you to enter any behavioral therapy, if you work for the nonprofit. If there are avenues that she could use to force you into therapy, it does not sound like she’s used them.

    – Last and certainly not least…the prospect of going to COUPLES THERAPY WITH YOUR DAD was so stressful to you that you wrote in to an internet advice columnist as to how to proceed. She posted the letter on a day that is notorious for having outlandish letters shared. The letter has broken the comments section, if not the entire internet. The vast majority of people are saying that flipping burgers for minimum wage is superior to what you describe as a well-paying job working for this woman, and I agree that the only remotely redeeming thing about the situation is the money, and even that’s nowhere near enough (And you could not pay me enough to put up with that – LW, you have way more perseverance than I do).

    Hopefully this helps! And Jill, if you’re reading this: I would call you the embodiment of an evil bee, but bees are actually useful sometimes.

    1. Temperance*

      With your last item, I’m going to say that it’s a bad idea. Jill sounds unhinged, and she would probably try to find the letter online, read the comments, and then besmirch LW’s reputuation. In Jill’s mind, she did her boyfriend’s daughter a huge favor by hiring her as an EA, and she just really needs this to work out, hence therapy.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Hey, I said, “if you’re reading this,” not that she should read it!

        Actually, the entire comment was tongue in cheek because…I mean, there is no useful advice I could give, really. To be serious about it, this reads as an abusive situation, as Jill demands that the LW prioritize her over everything else, including her own family. Speaking of which, her father is failing her, since HE’S taking Jill’s side (although, to go a bit afield, I imagine that LW isn’t the only person that Jill treats like garbage, and her dad might not be thinking clearly). And as other people suggested, LW might want to consider looking into therapy for herself (WITHOUT Jill or her dad), since especially the last paragraphs are heartbreaking. It seems as if Jill has gotten into her head so much LW is starting to believe that Jill is right – that she is worthless and messes up everything and deserves what she gets. (I might be reading too much into this, but I don’t think I am.)

        It’s crazypants. It’s also tragic. I guess I’m privileged in they I can just kill time at my (non-abusive) job and boggle at how cartoonishly horrible Jill sounds and write snarky letters about why Jill is wrong. But…you know, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

        And this got a lot darker than I was expecting.

  169. ENFP in Texas*

    I’m going to add here a note:

    OP, even if Jill WASN’T dating your dad, her behavior is COMPLETELY inappropriate and she is a HORRIBLE boss.

    Do not make the mistake of thinking “My boss is dating my dad” is the core issue here.

    The core issue is the fact that Jill is a HORRIBLE boss. And that has nothing to do with you. It is HER. Not you.

    1. Michaela Westen*

      Sounds like she’s a horrible person too. Only once before have I seen a person who makes up bad things about people she barely knows. That alone is a huge indicator. Then there’s the abuse, the disrespect…

  170. Database Developer Dude*

    I read “I was desperate for work when Dad said Jill needed a new Executive Assistant”, and alarm bells INSTANTLY went off in my head. First, what does the OP do for work that an Executive Assistant position is an option, second, and more importantly, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE A JOB WORKING DIRECTLY FOR A PERSON ONE OF YOUR PARENTS IS DATING???? I would do triple shifts at Burger King before working for my mom’s boyfriend or dad’s girlfriend…. That just screams dysfunction to the max.

    1. Alldogsarepuppies*

      That’s a little unfair of a generalization. Firstly, EA can be very valuable work and I imagine that if OP wants to get into the non-profit world it could help build the connections she desires, and I’m wondering why you think it shouldn’t be an option at all.

      Secondly, there are ways in which working for a parent’s SO isn’t horrible. I’m sure its fairly common in family businesses. My brother has taken jobs (albeit only for 1-2 weeks at a time by nature of hte work) from our dad’s EX and another of my dad’s ex helped me network extensively. Like its not the world’s best thing, but if you are desperate for work, its in a general line of work, and Jill seemed normal and kind up until that point – I don’t fault LW for taking it.

    2. Squeeble*

      Well, OP said that they put out hundreds of applications, got no bites, and were desperate. It’s not ideal but it’s definitely understandable.

  171. LilySparrow*

    So Jill blackmailed you into staying and accepting her shenanigans by threatening to dump your dad?

    You realize she was probably blackmailing your dad by threatening to fire you if he didn’t stay with her, right?

    I am so sorry you have been in this position. This is so extremely not normal.

    What mininally-competent therapist would think it was okay to drag you into this? I can only imagine they are both lying to the therapist.

    I am very, very, angry at both your parents. At your dad for allowing his girlfriend to abuse you, and for being an emotionally abusive jerk himself.

    And at your mom for encouraging you to stay in this bizarrely awful situation, and undermining your confidence about finding something better. Picking up trash on the side of the road would be better than this.

    The fact that you are second-guessing whether this situation is acceptable, tells me that the adults who influenced you in your childhood and were supposed to teach you how to navigate adulthood in a healthy way, failed you miserably. My head-slapping hand is itching something awful.

  173. JCB*

    Small potatoes compared to the bigger issues, but I can’t believe she’s so casually handing off infant care to you! There’s a reason states have so many laws about specific training etc for daycares- and you’re not a family member. You’re literally getting paid for it as part of your job duties. God forbid if something like SIDS happens there would be a lot of liability issues (for you and her)… please push back on this part specifically, for your own safety, if you haven’t already been able to just flat out quit. (But overall obviously my reaction is as horrified as everyone else’s, you poor thing- get out asap!)

  174. GraceDaisy*

    Have you considered contacting a temp agency? It would be a fast way to get you a regular office job if you just need to leave your current job as soon as possible. And sometimes temp jobs can lead to permanent positions. When I was job-searching in a new city after college, I got an admin job through a temp agency to at least be making money, and that turned into a permanent job.

  175. Chatterby*

    If you get left with the grandbaby, either add the hours to your work ones with the organization so you get paid, and then watch things hit the fan for your boss when you explain the extra hours to accounting, or approach the baby’s mom (does this mother know her child is being left with a stranger??) and tell her “There’s been a bunch of schedule conflicts lately and your child is being left with me during work hours, which is unsustainable and could get your mother or me fired. Boss is going to be at the law office on ___ and ___ day, and won’t be able to watch the baby. I generally know her week’s schedule by Tuesday, and can keep you up to date on if she’s available that week.” Both of these will definitely blow up, but I think it’ll be worth it.
    Since you need to stop caring at this point, shut your phone off in the morning and evenings and plead ignorance or existing plans if she demands you work those hours.
    For the therapist, if you absolutely can’t get out of it, try to weasel them into agreeing you need a solo session with the therapist before the group session. Then you can hand the therapist the letter you wrote above and establish your side without getting steamrolled. If you have a good relationship with other board members and any of them would agree to having you as an assistant, try to get the therapist on your side that switching to a different boss would be for the best, and ask that they suggest it to your current boss during the group session. You can also request they bring up shutting your phone off during morning/evening hours as a “mindfulness” thing they suggest to improve your performance.
    DO NOT tell your mother, father, or anyone who know either of them or your boss you’re looking for a new position. This woman will not give you a good reference, so save copies of work samples and don’t both worrying about it.

  176. Gingerblue*

    OP, my blood pressure went up just reading this. This is all so far outside the bounds of normal that I have no words. Please believe Allison and everyone here saying that this situation is not your fault and is broken beyond your ability to even begin to fix—just get out.

  177. Jane*

    This is tangential to the OP’s problem, but… do the baby’s parents/guardians know that Jill, who is supposed to be babysitting, is actually passing the baby off to someone else? Have they consented to having a non-relative care for their baby? I’m no lawyer, but this sounds incredibly risky from a legal standpoint, both for OP and Jill herself.

  178. Aphrodite*

    OP, I am echoing my fellow AM followers here: Get out. But I’ll add this:

    (1) Get out now. Today. Right now. This afternoon, this morning (depending on where you are). Do not explain, do not be bullied into giving notice. Use the rest of the day, if you have it, to apply at one or maybe two temp agencies. Then . . .
    (2) Apply online for unemployment insurance.
    (3) Contact Alison for her incredible offer to help you with your resume.
    (4) Change your phone number (or at the very least block your parents and Jill), your email address and shut down or limit any FB or other social media postings/friends.
    (5) Contact the people here who have offered help and are in your state.
    (6) Contact supportive friends.
    (7) If you know that any of the board members would be supportive of you, feel free, only IF YOU WANT, to contact her/him/them to talk why you walked out with no notice and ask if they would be a reference.
    (8) Make yourself a good, healthy dinner with your favorite dessert tonight. Watch a favorite movie or show or read an old favorite book. Work on a beloved hobby.
    (9) Take one full day to do exactly what YOU want and love to do.
    (10) Meditate in order to move past the poisonous thinking that has been forced into your mind. You must alter your brain’s thinking that what you learned from your dad and from Jill is wrong, wrong, wrong and then re-teach your mind what is normal.

  179. Cringing 24/7*

    I saw the title and just screamed, “NOOOOOOO…” until my lungs collapsed, so now I’m dead and don’t have to ever think about this terrible situation ever again.

  180. Elizabeth*

    I can’t even begin to describe how much I’m looking forward to this update.

    Until then, document everything – the abuse, accusations, correspondence, ridiculous requests, everything – in case she somehow tries to sabotage your career or reputation in any further way. Hell I’d be tempted to get a restraining order if it gets even worse down the road.

    Then run, girl. RUN NOW. (Preferably in the most spectacular fashion cause let’s be honest, Jill deserves everything terrible that’s eventually coming to her).

  182. CanadianEngineerLibrarian*

    All these horrid horrid bosses seem to work for non-profits. Do non-profits attract a certain personality? Having only worked in the corporate sector I have never come across anything like these people.

    1. Eye of Sauron*

      After reading AAM for a little while now, I was wondering the same thing!

      I know the private sector/corporate world gets a bad rap, but while I’ve had my share of not so great bosses, I’ve never run into anything like what is described here* in the for-profit world. Maybe it’s less about non-profit and more about size? I think there’s a similar level of crazy in the small company for-profit world too.

      *I totally get that a lot of the examples here are the worst of the worst and like anything you don’t see normal represented

      1. SeuciaV*

        Nah – horrible people can thrive anywhere. The two most toxic bosses I ever had were at a major international law firm. And the one boss’ behavior was so bad, when they finally fired her, they filed restraining orders (and helped the staff do the same) so she wasn’t allowed within 100 yards of ……anything related to that job. She was an attorney bringing in the big bucks (not a partner though which did make the “firing” thing easier) so that was one of the things that contributed there. There are just so many different reasons why that level of crazy can grow in an organization that it will never be limited to one industry or even more prevalent in one industry.

    2. MuseumChick*

      I think part of it is that as Alison has a background in non-profits this site attracts a lot of letters from people who work in non-profits. I would say over all the most dysfunctional work places pound for pound are small family owned business.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        +1 That’s my impression too. With non-profits and libraries having a pretty big following here too.

    3. ArtsNerd*

      You’d see this in small business too, easily.

      Almost anyone can have an idea and start a nonprofit, and plenty of times the personality who is driving the ’cause’ and the fundraising is a terrible boss but at the top of the hierarchy because it’s their organization. Nonprofit staffs tend to be smaller, and they have all the same challenges as small business with fewer resources and more restrictions on those resources. (Check the post linked in my username if you care about that.)

  183. Erin*

    Hey OP, my work is currently hiring for a writing/editing/social media position. It sounds like you have writing experience. We’re located in Glens Falls, NY, which is about an hour north of Albany.

    If you’re interested, my website is connected to my user name here and you’ll find my email in there. If you’d like, shoot me an email and I’ll get you the details.

    1. Miss Elaine e.*

      Also, please send an update when you can. As you can see, there are many here who are very concerned about you.

  186. AKlady*

    OP needs to contact the out of state employees with whom she has a great relationship with and see if they will be her references instead of her crazy stepmom. She should also warn them that her stepmom is actively trying to discredit them with her “theories”. She needs to RUN RUN RUN though and not listen to her mom.

  187. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

    Holy hell on toast OP!

    I’m sure this may also have been mentioned by other commenters, but I jumped straight to the bottom to add my own separate comment because this has gotten me really riled up and needs to be emphasised:
    This has nothing to do with you being a millenial! Your boss qualifies for Worst Boss of the DECADE, and the fact that you were born in the last 25 years (I forget the rules for “generations”) has no bearing on this. I hate the blame of generations as if it’s some inherent personality flaw.

    You have plenty of time to get into a career that fulfills you. For now, set aside any savings you can, and as soon as possible, run fast and run far from this totally disfunctional situation.

    1. merry*

      I had the same thought. Is it possible that an entire generation is being gaslighted into believing that they are “entitled” because they try to resist against abuse?

  188. File Herder*

    This is domestic abuse. It’s workplace abuse as well, but first and foremost it’s domestic abuse. The normal pattern of domestic abuse as discussed here and on Captain Awkward is that the abuser sabotages the victim’s job in order to destroy the victim’s financial independence. Here the abuser has sabotaged the victim’s financial independence by putting themselves in control of the victim’s job. I would not be at all surprised if the original suggestion to employ OP came from Jill, and the intent was to gain financial control of OP to destroy any chance she had of escaping the domestic situation.

    Run, OP. Run, now. You cannot help your father at this point. He is being used as a hostage against you, but you will not be able to help him until you are free and far away from this abuser.

  189. Lee*

    Please call a temp agency ASAP. I worked free-lance for a long time and temping was a great way to keep $$ coming in when I was between gigs. If you’re organized and know your way around an office, they will be thrilled with you. I had so many great experiences temping and got a number of job offers through temping.

    1. Judge Crater*

      My suggestion exactly. I don’t know what kind of area you live in – urban, suburban, or rural, but if temp agencies for office jobs exist in your area, go there tomorrow. If employment is limited in your area, consider relocating.

      This really is not an acceptable employment OR family situation. Personally if this were me I would try to put some distance between myself and both the family and job situations.

  190. LQ*

    You are not being entitled or doing anything wrong.

    If a little sliver of doubt starts to crawl in and you start to wonder if maybe you phrased something wrong or you somehow didn’t give them enough credit or anything completely banana pants like that. (I know I’ve done that which is the only reason I’m bringing it up.) You need to know that any single one of the actual facts, not the slant, not the anything else. The facts. The simple facts of the matter. Undeniable clear facts. Any single fact here would be completely absurd. You could pick any single bullet point and tell someone and they would gasp.

    The facts of this clearly demonstrate an absurd workplace.

    By the way if you quit, please do file for unemployment and give them a clear, detailed explanation of the facts (this is a place to make sure you include dates, specific statements, etc) especially the part about demanding you go to couples therapy with them and watching the baby. (It varies by state, but file.) And make sure you’re correctly classified.

    And then come back and read all the comments supporting you again. Any one of these facts would be absurd.

  191. WolfPack Inspirer*

    Alison said she got this in late April. I’m hoping you’ve already quit with your head held high and walked completely away from these lunatics. If not, please know that the fear of the unknown is putting you in danger. Your sanity is worth a bit of uncertainty and worry. If you have good friends who will let you couch surf, un-or-underemployed reality is nowhere near as scary as this horrifying job.

    If you can stand the heat, I am in South Carolina and know a small business owner who needs an office manager and general assistant, and I usually hesitate to recommend people because he’s a bit prickly and particular, but holy shit after dealing with Jill you’d have him in the palm of your hand.

    Wishing you the best of all possible jobs. Please update us when you’re safe and free!

  192. Nicole*

    OP, I am so sorry you’re going through this. If I could I would offer you a job right now.

  193. Ursula*

    You have emails, texts etc from her. You know she is lying to her publisher. You are hourly and I doubt she is paying you exactly for the work you do. You can go to the labour board (I’m not American so I don’t know if this is the right term) and file a grievance. You can cause problems by forwarding the relevant emails to her publisher. You can file a grievance you can let her publisher know she is lying to them. You can “lose” parts of her book if she truly doesn’t know how to use word and you are writing chunks of it. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to cause such drama but its an option. You are not powerless you have ammunition enough to make her life difficult.

    If you can quit immediately do so, if you can’t afford to find any job there is nothing to stop you looking for other jobs while working in retail, food service etc.

    Your father is behaving badly, Jill is clearly a bully but your father is enabling her to treat you this way. If you quit I imagine Jill will blow up and your father might side with her so remember to set up appropriate boundaries have a phrase like “Dad I don’t want to get involved in talking about Jill” ready and be prepared to walk out/hang up the phone if he ignores you. Even if you decide not to do any of my revenge suggestions keep emails and texts in case it gets ugly and you need to involve the police (it may never get the far but if she’s unstable its possible). She will never be nice to you you know how she talks about other people so get as far away as possible. If necessary block her number, block your father’s number if he will not drop it as well. Hopefully he will get the message. If not, well he is happy to let his girlfriend take advantage of his daughter and even willing to join in in berating you, for your own mental health distance might be a good thing.

  194. Granny K*

    Would also love to hear from any therapists on this feed: is it ethical (or productive) to allow a third person/grown adult child into a couple’s counseling session? If your patient described a situation like this to you, what would be your response to the patient?

  195. the manager in sensible shoes*

    Nope, nope, nope – none of this is OK, and I’m so glad you wrote in to get some perspective. I can’t imagine how stressed and trapped you must feel! There is a better life out there waiting for you, far away from this situation, and plenty of people here want to help you get there. Go, and be well, and here’s hoping for a much happier and healthier job in the near future!

  196. Ladylike*

    OP, the word that kept going through my mind when I read this is “abuse”. This is a very, very abusive situation. I also took a position working for someone with whom I was acquainted outside of work, and he also ended up being a boundary-crossing tyrant. He commented on my weight, my clothing, and my hairstyle, and confided his inappropriate attractions to his female patients to me (he was a doctor)…when he wasn’t screaming at me for something he or someone else did that was completely out of my control. He also made crazy demands on my schedule and “forgot” when I was off the clock, then got upset that I wasn’t available. I suffered a lot of abuses similar to what you described…your story is eerily similar to mine. And I walked out after 7 months with no backup plan. It took awhile to get back on my feet career-wise, but I have a great job now and I turned down multiple great offers on my way to this job. All is not lost. Don’t underestimate how traumatized you might be when this whole thing is behind you. This will affect your self-esteem and cause you to question your own judgment! Get yourself into some counseling (on your own, not with them!) so you can process this and hear an objective third party tell you over and over that this wasn’t your fault. My heart goes out to you, truly.

  198. merry*

    Has the OP ever gone to an employment/temp agency to look for work? They often set you up with temp jobs to gain experience and earn money while they find you a permanent position. It’s also a great way to get a good reference from a trusted source.

    I agree with above commenters, I would gladly contribute to a Gofundme to help with the transition! I have had abusive bosses in the past and wish I’d had Ask A Manager to go to for advice at the time, not knowing what I know now!

  199. Biggersteinkins*

    OP – Manager in South Carolina, drop a comment if you need an entry level position in this neck of the woods. So sorry about all of this, its terrible.

  200. JustAGirlTryingToMakeIt*

    And I thought my boss was evil and manipulative…. OP, I am so so sorry. Get out of there. You will be just fine. Awful jobs like that are kind of like a right of passage. Everyone has them (maybe not this bad, for what it’s worth), but still. You will make it through this an even stronger person. Plus… you’ll have great stories to tell at dinner parties one of these days. Stay strong and look feverishly, you got this. Have you thought about nannying? I had a friend do that for her first couple years out of school and she made a great living.

  201. JustAGirlTryingToMakeIt*

    One more thing: If you’re in the Nashville area we can find a way to get in touch. My company is hiring.

  202. Indie*

    Just for fun, perhaps consider the following messages:

    To the board: “Hey as Jill’s and my father’s relationship has become so serious that they’ve asked me to join them in their therapy sessions, I think it’s best I resign to avoid a blurring of lines and professional difficulties. Can you pass on this news to Jill? Regretfully I must do so without giving notice. If you can see your way to standing as a reference for me separate from Jill, Id appreciate it, but I understand if not. My thanks for your kind words in the past either way, etc..

    To any trustworthy and kind family members, especially dad’s side: *copy of this entire letter….

    To Jill’s therapist: For consideration at the therapy session I was invited to attend: I think it’s terribly innapropriate to attend my boss’ therapy sessions and I don’t want to involve myself in my father’s love life. Wishing you all a productive session nevertheless.

    To dad: *crickets*

    To the babysitting parents: “Hey just to let you know, I am no longer in the employ of Jill and won’t be able to stand in as babysitter when she’s unavailable as of today. As I’m sure she told you, baby is getting very used to me after (number) of occasions, and is almost as attached to me as to (cherished toy), so just wanted to give you a heads up.

    ….OP, I hope this made you giggle: it would be fun and give her many, many fires to put out all at once! But you dont need to as the fires she sets will catch up with her anyway. All you really truly need to do is get away. FAR away.

  203. Elizabeth West*

    I haven’t read through all the comments, but AHHHH MAH GAWW.

    OP none of this is on you. Your mom is wrong. Your dad is deluded. And you have to take care of yourself–please, please run like the proverbial wind as soon as you possibly can.

    And please, please come back and update us.

  204. OP*

    Hi everyone,

    Thank you so so much for all your kind words. I’ll try to respond to more of the threads, but I’m babysitting right now (of course!). I just wanted to make sure to thank everyone and let you know how much your support means to me!

    -OP

    2. JokeyJules*

      you can get past this!
      don’t feel trapped here because you are NOT and you are absolutely NOT the problem in this scenario

    3. Stargirl*

      OP! My goodness. Please know we are ALL ON YOUR SIDE. I hope you get some distance soon and can prioritize your own mental well being. Nothing is wrong with you- repeat that as necessary! You are not crazy, and you cannot fix other people’s crazy. And please, please let us know however we can help. You came to a good place here. Sending a million hugs and positive thoughts to you!! xo

    4. Sam Yao*

      We are all in your corner, OP. A bunch of folks in the comments are willing to offer you job help and leads – please follow up with them if any of them sound like they might work for you, and take Alison up on her offer to help you with your resume! The internet can be a force for good.

    5. Kalkin*

      Don’t feel like you have to respond to comments if you don’t have the time or energy. Focus on getting out!

      But please do send Alison an update when things have progressed. A bunch of strangers are pulling for you — we care and we want you to be someplace that deserves you!

    7. Hills to Die on*

      Yay! It’s a fraction of what I think we all want to do to help you but I’m so glad it’s support nonetheless! Please give us updates.

    8. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      Don’t worry about replying, focus on taking care of yourself. There’s a lot of great advice here and I hope it’s helpful in getting you out of this situation. We’re cheering you on and hope things improve very soon. Good luck!

    9. MuseumChick*

      Hi OP! I don’t know if you have seen it yet but there is a long thread somewhere on here of people posting their locations so if you are near them they can help you in your job hunt. Don’t worry about responding to everything (there are like 700 comments!). Sending you massive Jedi hugs.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      Jedi hugs if you want them OP!

      Jill’s abusing you, best of luck getting away.

    13. Old Admin*

      Dear OP,
      Thank you for responding!
      There are a number of people who understand your situation – including the difficulty involved in getting out! – and who would be happy to help. (I have been in abusive situations myself, including the warped family therapy. Don’t go there.)

      I’m currently in Europe, so all I can do is offer a financial contribution.
      Others have offered places to stay of even job interviews.
      And please accept Alison’s offer at reworking your resume. She’s a pro.

      1. Rosemary7391*

        I don’t know about Europe… I feel like even that might not be far enough away from this situation! Admittedly less helpful for finding a new job though, but I wonder if taking a vacation far far away might help. Can’t imagine the strain of this situation does anything good for job hunting.

        (I’m in Glasgow, Scotland if you fancy it OP!)

    14. Cristina in England*

      Thanks so much for replying! We are all pulling for you and there are people literally all over the world willing to help get you out of this horrendous situation. It isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve it.

      We are 900+ comments in, so I am seconding the thought that it might be easier for everyone to find your comments if your main/lengthier responses are here instead of sprinkled throughout

    15. ArtsNerd*

      Thanks for checking in! You have the population of a small country rooting for you over here. No need to respond to comments individually :)

      1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

        Population of a large country – several countries. People all across the world are in support of you here OP!

    17. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Good luck, OP! Please don’t be afraid to let us know how we can help you. Feel free to make use of the Friday and Weekend open threads too.

    18. Woodswoman*

      So glad to read this, OP! You deserve the outpouring of support you’re getting here. In case you miss it down below since it was added pretty late, I’m repeating my comment here about a key part of protecting yourself when you leave.
      ___

      So much wonderful advice here, and I’m late to the party, but here’s my two cents.

      OP, to protect yourself as others have mentioned, I’m emphasizing the importance of writing a letter to one or all of the organization’s board members at the same time you resign. With someone as unstable and controlling as your boss, there’s no telling what she might say about you that could damage you financially, legally, etc. A simple one-page letter outlining what happened–unemotional, just describing facts–is essential for your own protection. For example, “I was unable to remain in my position when Jill told me that I had to attend counseling sessions with her if I wanted to keep my job.” Or “she required me to babysit an infant as part of my job.” Or “Jill has never given me set hours and wants me to on-call throughout the day and night.”

      Good luck to you–I’m sure you’ll see how much better things are once you get out of there!

    19. OP*

      Hello!

      You are all so wonderful; all I’ve needed and wanted all this time is some validation that I’m not crazy, and this is so much more than I could have asked for! I am so appreciative of all your offers of help, jobs, getaway cars, couches, and massages! Thank you so much Alison for everything– and yes, I took her up on her generous offer to look at my resume/cover letter.

      I’ll try to cover my responses to most of the points that came up in separate posts on this thread. But first:
      I came across AAM when I was up before sunrise because I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I’d Google different aspects of my scenario (“Is my boss abusive?” “Am I lazy?” “Can I quit?”), and unsurprisingly nothing seemed to match my my exact situation. But I kept coming across horror stories on AAM, and they were comforting to read.

      After a miserable business trip in February, I started looking for jobs again, secretly. My mom is a very successful PR pro, so she helped me fix my Linkedin and resume. About two weeks into my job hunt, the therapy thing happened. I was distraught, so I wrote to Alison.

      1. OP*

        In defense of my mom: when I first told her about the therapy request, she FREAKED OUT and was absolutely horrified. She said under no circumstance was I to walk into a situation where they could gang up on me. She also didn’t want me to list things about myself that I need to change, because the problem is Jill and not me. But she’s worried that no matter how good my resume is, no one will hire someone without a job, and that it will take three times as long to get steady work as it would if I applied while still employed. Maybe that’s an outdated, conservative viewpoint, but it comes from a place of concern.
        She has connected me with many people in her field, and I’ve set up informational calls with a few of her contacts. My mom is wonderful and is working very hard to airlift me out of this situation. I don’t think she’s an enabler, but she was raised to be forgiving and not to say negative things about her ex-husbands partners… however, Jill has made that impossible!

        1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

          This is reassuring to hear. You need at least one close family member to support and stand by you.
          Just let her know what AAM said about the short tenure of the job not being a problem, and it’s not entirely true about no one hiring someone without a job (heck, if that was the case, no one would ever be employed! What about involuntary redundancies? I’m not sure I follow her thinking here… )

          One other thing – let her give herself permission to say negative things about Jill!

        2. ExcelJedi*

          OP, I’m so glad to hear you have your mom in your corner! Her viewpoint on getting a job may be a little conservative, but she clearly wants the best for you and your mental health. I think she’s in a tough spot, and it sounds like she’s really doing her best.

          Good luck!! I really hope we see a positive update from you with new job soon!

        3. OlympiasEpiriot*

          I am so happy to hear your mother is in your corner.

          Only one question, have you called your bank and locked your accounts down, moved money out of the account with direct deposit, changed all your passwords yet and made sure you know were all your documents are? Yes? Then have you quit?

        4. OP*

          A few points of clarification (and if this reposts a bunch of times, sorry! All the loading comments are confusing my computer):
          -I’m a newlywed. My husband is European and is still waiting on his work permit, so I’m the sole breadwinner. We live in a rent controlled apartment in a major US city on the East Coast, but it’s still expensive, especially since we have to pay for health insurance and student loans.
          -I have degrees in history and international conflict. My dream job is with the Foreign Service. I’ve taken the test once and am scheduled to take it again in a couple months. It’s a slow and long process.
          -I’m salaried, not hourly. Jill says that because I’m salaried, there aren’t limitations on hours.
          -The baby’s parents are great. They know me well (I’ve been babysitting for months now, and I sang at the baby’s christening), and they know what’s going on. My issue isn’t babysitting itself, it’s that Jill volunteered to help her family by watching the baby, but instead she dumps her responsibility on me while continuing to complain about how tired she is from babysitting. Watching the baby when Jill is out is the best part of my week because it’s impossible not to smile when you’re with such a sweet, innocent baby. I also don’t like how Jill treats the parents; she blatantly disregards their wishes and doesn’t believe in sleep training or baby proofing. She insults their parenting, once telling me, “I don’t think they’ve changed this diaper since yesterday.” She does weird stuff, like filling heavy saucepans with ice and putting them on the floor for the baby to play with. I always take them away when Jill leaves the room. I’ve told the parents, and they’re working on another childcare solution.

          1. MuseumChick*

            Look into working as a nanny. Parents will pay an insane amount of money for a good nanny. You could also tutor to bring in extra cash.

          2. mf*

            Just because Jill decided to hire you as salaried doesn’t mean you are necessarily non-exempt (legally speaking). Might be worth looking into–Jill definitely seems like the type to bend or break the rules in order to pay you less.

          3. Nita*

            Glad to see your updates about your mom helping you, and about all the steps you’re taking to get out! It’s also good that the baby’s parents know what’s going on and are looking for other child care. Also – I’m in NYC in a company with a strong historian department. Their main focus is on how redevelopment affects historical buildings. If you’re interested in looking into this while the Foreign Service process crawls along, I can forward your resume to them. Not sure how to put my contact info here without the whole world seeing it, but we could get in touch through Alison.

          4. OlympiasEpiriot*

            I know that immigration issues are fraught (to say the least) right now, and you probably don’t want to lose a rent-controlled apartment, but, it might be worth just thinking out loud with your husband…”What if we went to your country for a while?” Can you take the FS exam at an embassy?

            1. Marillenbaum*

              You can! The FSOT is offered at embassies around the world on a rotating basis (I start A-100 in July–OP, once you’re out and safe, I’d be happy to talk about the Foreign Service hiring process! You can DM me on Twitter–it’s my handle here with the number 27 on the end.

          5. Detective Amy Santiago*

            I’m happy to see that you have support from your mom and presumably your husband and will be sending all the positive vibes your way that you find something quickly.

          6. Concerned Lurker*

            Re: being a newlywed: Congratulations! I hope things move quickly on your husband’s work permit. Know all of us are rooting for you!

          7. Thumbelina Blues*

            There’s so much great advice and support here for you getting out of this shitty house of bees disguised as a job, but I just want to say in the longer-term, good luck with the whole Foreign Service process! You probably already know some people there, with your graduate work, but if you’d like to talk to my friend in the Foreign Service, hit me up (this username at gmailz) — he’s worked in China and Mali and somewhere else that I forget. :-)

          8. Famous Blue Raincoat*

            Thanks for giving us updates, OP! This sounds like an absolutely exhausting situation mentally, physically, and emotionally. You have basically the whole internet rooting for you at this point, though–so at least know you are not alone!

            Regarding your being salaried and your boss’s claim that this means your hours do not matter: This is not necessarily true. As others have noted, you may be non-exempt based on your job duties and thus your employer would need to follow guidelines for non-exempt employees, notably including paying you for overtime. If you click on the link for my username, it will take you to the FindLaw page that discusses this in more detail and you can evaluate what applies best to your specific situation and job duties. If you think your situation may be a violation, by all means report it to the department of labor for investigation.

            Cultivate whatever relationships you have from this job that are positive–the parents of the baby, the out of state employees you mentioned who think you’re great, anyone who has witnessed Jill’s bad behavior to you and may have been secretly cringing. Add them on LinkedIn so you have a way to contact them if you leave this job, and check out their profiles to see if there may be connections you can leverage to other jobs or volunteer opportunities. Plus you’re gonna need a reference that isn’t this Wicked Stepmother type.

            Income generation ideas have already been shared all over this comment section, but I have one to share also–more as a supplement than a primary source of income. Check local high schools and colleges to see if they have competitive speech programs (aka forensics and debate). Often, if they do, they will be in need of people to judge speech tournaments for them and they will pay cash for doing so. You don’t need to be particularly trained to do this–in my experience if you have some college and a basic knowledge of communication abilities, they will gladly take the help. I say this as someone who competed in college and I continue to coach speech for both college and high school. Pay varies but usually for high school you’re looking at around $100 for a Saturday tournament that begins around 8am and ends around 3pm; college tournaments tend to be 2-day affairs and pay is usually between $50-60 per day of judging in my area. Most speech programs are probably wrapped up at this time of year but starting in August/September this can be an excellent way to supplement your income if you don’t mind having your weekends taken up by sitting in school classrooms watching young people perform dramatic/poetic monologues or present informative/persuasive topics. The other great thing about getting involved in the speech community is that often it presents even more networking opportunities, particularly in academia but also with non-profits.

            Hope you’re able to get out of this awful job soon, and in the meantime, please take care of yourself in any way you can.

          9. Elizabeth*

            Didn’t think this whole saga could ever, possibly, realistically, surely get any worse/more absurd and then I arrived at this line…
            “She does weird stuff, like filling heavy saucepans with ice and putting them on the floor for the baby to play with.”

            God Almighty, girl. You’ve got guts of steel dealing with this Jill PsychoHouse woman. Happy to hear your mother is on your side, and the parents are as well. Best of luck to you, dear! You’ve got good things coming your way for sure.

        5. Secretary*

          Thank you so much for replying!! I look forward to hearing your update that you’ve escaped!!!

          Alison will sometimes post updates as well, so when you feel ready you don’t have to come back down here (if you don’t want to), you can let her know directly what’s going on too. We’re all rooting for you!!

  205. Kalkin*

    OP, this is 700+ comments down and the ground has been pretty well covered by now. But if you read this:

    1. This is awful. I’m so sorry. Get out.

    2. Waiting tables can be HELLA FUN. You can make decent money at the right place, too. Don’t think of it as a crap job you’re being forced to take. It’s active, the people are usually cool, it’s a lot of routine peppered with interesting and often weird moments, and best of all, when your shift is over, YOU’RE DONE. I don’t want to romanticize it too much, because it can also be infuriating, since it involves customer service, and because restaurants are not always the most, uh, rigidly professional work environments. (And note that I’m a white man, which has insulated me from a lot of crap.) But the food service industry gave me a lot of practical experience in managing stress, thinking on the fly, and dealing with people. In the best moments, it was like a combination of dancing, poetry, theater, clinical psychology, and a sport where you rush through an obstacle course carrying heavy, breakable things.

    3. As others have pointed out, Jill is an abuser. When you tell her you’re quitting, expect her to react like abusers do in romantic relationships: She will probably turn really sweet and start wheedling you to stick around, and she’ll surely get your dad involved, too. She’ll promise to change, and she may actually change a little bit, temporarily. Don’t buy it. Your situation is awful; most “bad bosses” are nowhere near this bad. If you need to, I think it’s OK not to give her two weeks’ notice. Quit on the spot and do not look back. Don’t give her the opportunity to persuade you to give her any kind of second chance. She may even believe it when she bullshits you, but it’s still gonna be bullshit.

    1. fposte*

      I love your number 2 so much! There are plenty of reasons for people not to want to wait tables, but sometimes it gets treated as if it’s life in the workhouse, when for a lot of people it’s a satisfying job for either short or long term.

      1. Kalkin*

        I miss it a lot, honestly.* But it’s financially not feasible anymore, now that I have dependents who need benefits; my body is much older and achier than it used to be; and I have enough of a Peter Pan complex that I don’t need to spend all that time surrounded by twentysomethings who drink more beers in a sitting than I usually do in a month. :-D

        *Or I think I do, until I have that recurring where the host is loading up my section with six-tops, and I can’t remember anything that’s on the menu, and I’m struggling to get drinks for one table while four more are being seated…

    2. Oranges*

      Mmmmm…. extinction bursts. Fun.

      It could also go the other way and she’ll yell at the LW and manipulate her into staying. And every time you try to leave after that it tends to be harder. Do not look back when you do leave. Just. Leave.

  206. Run By Fruiting*

    Girl.

    Quit immediately and furthermore, cut your parents out of your life! They do not have your best interests at heart and you do not need that shit.

    1. Ramblin' Ma'am*

      Terribly OT but your name just made me burst out laughing. I love that movie.

  207. Cafe au Lait*

    Hi OP, I am so sorry you’re in this position. I agree with everyone else to get out, and get out fast. Before you do, make sure you’re in a good position to quit. What I mean by that is grab the contact information of all the board members. Download or copy any projects you’ve worked on for Jill. You’ll want those for reference later, or to show what types of projects you’ve accomplished. Gather the internal phone numbers of anyone you think you need: Kathy in finance, Arnold in Human Resources,–anyone who you might be able to lean on to help navigate the explosion that is sure to follow your resignation.

    If you can, make plans to go camping with your friends starting the evening you quit. Nothing like the “I was out of cell range” excuse to avoid Jill’s calls.

    1. Indie*

      I’ve done the camping dodge and it works. These types of people- giddy with chaos – have moved on to new drama by the time you return.

  208. Lara*

    OP: Take Allison up on her offer of checking your CV.

    Google Captain Awkward and read through the archives. Relish knowing you are not crazy.

    Do not attend family therapy. It is a trap.

    Good luck and please report back.

  209. AnonymousInfinity*

    I stayed in an abusive (but not nearly as abusive) job for four years, all on the advice of “you have to stay for at least a year.” I wanted to be able to claim unemployment and boost my resume. I had a countdown of the days. Right before my one year was up, a coworker quit without notice at the worst possible time. I felt guiltily compelled into staying for another six months. Then another six months. Then another six months. Etc. After about a year and a half, the abusive environment became normal to me (google “Corporate Stockholm Syndrome”). I thought every workplace was like mine. I was too tired to leave. I was too stressed to think. My thinking became catastrophic. I turned down interviews, because I was too tired, too stressed, too worried, too everything. It was easier to stay. On the way to work every morning, I prayed for someone to run a light and hit my car. On Friday evenings, I would begin worrying about Monday. I would cry all day Sunday. My husband got me out by getting me back into my old company, which was truly, as someone upthread said, jumping away from the sun and into a frying pan.

    Don’t stay. Get out.

  210. President Porpoise*

    Op, no joke, get out. This is terrible.

    Again, no joke, if you are in the Tucson area, I have a room and a car that you can borrow til you’re on your feet. You need to quit, today, and ghost on your family and boss. They should not be able to contact you or find you. Send a letter to your mom/dad with no return address letting them know you’re alive so they don’t call the cops, but that’s it.

    1. Kalkin*

      Ghosting might be a little extreme (especially since her mom’s advice sounded well intended), but OP is definitely going to need to put space between herself and her dad for a period of time, since Dad at this point is just going to serve as an extension of Jill.

      I would guess at a certain point down the road, Dad will have to choose between a relationship with Jill and a relationship with his daughter. Because I don’t see Jill ever dropping this or moving on once OP “betrays” her by leaving the job.

      1. buttercup*

        It’s possible President Porpoise was referring to the stepmom and dad – the stepmom also being the crazy boss.

  211. fiverx313*

    there is nothing i can say to the OP that everyone else didn’t already say (this is not your fault, get out ASAP), but i just wanted to say what a wonderful community you all are, with the offers of help and commiseration. it’s nice to see a cluster of good people on the internet when you so often see the opposite :)

  212. NW Mossy*

    Some thoughts on Jill’s book:

    * She is never going to finish it.
    * Being a woman and a minority in this world is certainly difficult in ways that it shouldn’t be in a just world, but the personal struggles Jill purports to write about in said book are vastly more likely to be caused by the fact that she abuses the people around her.
    * Jill deserves to have her book deal go the way of Milo Yannipolous’s. I’m sure I’m spelling his name wrong, but I don’t even want to give that guy the credit of a 2-second search to get it right.
    * Should Jill’s book ever make it to shelves, I implore the righteous librarians in the AAM commentariat to use their influence to select someone else’s book for their collection. There are plenty more minority voices deserving of a wider audience that can speak to the struggle and publish a book without crushing the souls of those who aided in its publication.

    Ugh. Jill is THE WORST.

    1. Miss Elaine e.*

      In addtion, EVEIfRYBODY thinks their life story would make the best-selling book/movie of all time. However, none of them sell without extensive marketing. If Jill’s tome is ever published, it will likely stagnate on Amazon and die a lonely death like the millions of other similar books.
      And who will be blamed for it? Right, the OP.

  213. Comms Girl*

    OP, it’s 100% not your fault. Get out of there right now. This woman is beyond evil, manipulative and delusional, and this is taking too much of a toll on your health (both physical and mental) to go on, it truly is a toxic and abhorrent situation. This is not what a real, normal and healthy job/work environment is like! We’re all rooting for you! Take Alison’s advice – she even offered to look at your CV on the comments – and run as fast as you can. I – we all! – want to read in the near future that you are OK and far from this hot mess. It will get better.

    Also, you are not a bad employer or an “entitled millenial” anywhere in this galaxy – for starters, you show tremendous resilience and interpersonal skills, which will likely be assets in future and far more functional jobs!

    Finally, my utmost respect and appreciation for Alison for offering pro bono help in this situation, and for all the people who offered to help out with job offers in their areas should OP live nearby, or to chip in and help in any way. In the event of the OP living in Europe, please feel free to pass on my email and I’ll try to help them up jobwise – I’m also more than happy to chip in should a GoFundMe sort of initiative is set on OP’s behalf.

  214. MI Dawn*

    OP you are in an abusive relationship and need to escape. As said before, get your important documents into a safe location (birth certificate, license, passport), lock down ALL bank accounts and credit – if you share an account with anyone, open a new one solo immediately. Plan for what various reddits call an “extinction burst”. Check the suggestions on either the raisedbynarcissists subreddit or the justnomil subreddit. They have lots of good suggestions and links.

  215. Sigrid*

    Sometimes the only thing I can say when I read a letter to Alison is “this is very terrible on multiple levels” and nothing else, which is why Alison is an advice columnist and I am not.

    Run, OP. This workplace/relationship is full of angry bees.

  216. KC without the sunshine band*

    And when you get to resign, on your last day, print out this post and all the comments and hang them all over your work area. Decorating before you go!

  217. MLB*

    I would work multiple part time/low paying jobs and eat ramen for every meal before I’d stay at a job like this. That woman is insane and your mental health is way more important. Do yourself a favor and quit…immediately.

  218. Lady Phoenix*

    Hey OP, using some helpful resources you can find, here should be a guideline ogetting out:
    1) Spend a week with getting your birth certificate, passport, drivers license, education documents, and social security to a save place away from your parents. PO boxes work nicely
    2) Make sure your bank accounts, credit cards, and debit cards are under your name and accessible only by you.
    3) Either find a good friend with a couch, or find an apartment.
    4) Consider a lawyer that has to do with employment and let them in on the situation. (if you have lawyer friends, that helps a lot)
    5. Job search, job search, job search. Whether it it something in your field or waiting tables, you want to find something with a consistent work schedule
    6. Disengage from the extra work: no babysitting, no crazy hours, just the bare minimal. Turn your phone off or put it on silent And AND non vibrate when you go to sleep.
    7. Turn in your notice or let her fire you. If the latter happens, get it in writing and send your case to unemployment.
    8. Consider blocking numbers or getting a new phone # altogether.
    9. Block contact with mom and dad. It doesn’t havento be permanent, but seperatig yourself from them from a couple months will help alieve the stress and clear your head. After the 2 months, then you can consider whether to let them back in or keep the no contact longer/permanent.

    1. RVA Cat*

      10) Assuming Jill is paying you by direct deposit, open a different bank account and close the old one. I wouldn’t put it past her to try to claw back what she has already paid you as part of her extinction burst.

      1. RVA Cat*

        Also make sure your taxes, etc. are being withheld correctly. She has shown zero integrity and it would not surprise me in the least if she’s involving you in fraud.

      2. Avatre*

        I’d be inclined to leave the old account open until OP has quit and gotten her last paycheck—BUT only keep the minimum amount of $ in there for the bank’s rules about keeping an account open, and transfer every direct deposit to the new account as soon as it comes in.

    2. Observer*

      If you live with either parent, and use their internet, change ALL of your passwords and start using your phone as a hotspot or (and I never thought I’d say this) use wifi that doesn’t originate in your house. Normally that’s a risk, but your Dad, FOR SURE, and you Mother, possibly, are likely to try to snoop on you – and they have much more motivation that most outsiders. But, do use encryption etc.

      I know this sounds paranoid, but you are dealing with people who have serious boundary and control freak issues.

      1. Traveling Teacher*

        Yes! I came here to say that too! Make sure you try to think of every website you possibly can, from taxes, bank, student loans, and email, all your social media, Amazon or other online shopping accounts, dating sites, but also importantly any sites you visit routinely that might have weaker security protocols or might be auto-saved/autofilled somewhere (like commenting accounts on favorite websites, etc.)

        Also, make sure you turn on the log-in alerts on your email, bank, loan, and social media accounts immediately, if you haven’t already done so. If you forget to change a password, then you’ll at least know they hacked in and can change again.

        Change your phone number.

        Get a PO Box ASAP and change all of your mailings to go there–you especially do not want your tax or student loan info to end up in the wrong hands!

        Alert your bank (it would be better to open a new account at another bank as soon as possible, and also alert them) that someone may try to impersonate you. My small credit union used to only have the “standard” security questions (full name, account number, 4 digits of SSN, DOB)–those are all things your mom and dad would know, and Jill would have access to. I had them add on an extra security protocol when I was being stalked by an ex in the couple of days before I could move my account. (The people at both banks were very sympathetic and did everything they could to expedite the process–tell them what you’re dealing with!) I also alerted my student loans people and insurance, as they were likely to call me.

        I actually made a new email account and changed my email with as many sites as possible to doubly ensure that ex couldn’t easily find me. In the coming weeks, I suggest that you do the same!

        Make sure you remove your paper trail (account statements, student loan info, etc) from their house and get your originals (birth certificate, passport, school transcripts, diplomas) out of there so that you don’t have to wait and pay to replace them. If they catch you doing this, just tell them that you’re doing KonMari (or another organization method) with all of your paperwork to get organized.

  219. Properlike*

    Has anyone pointed out that it’s not just the boss that’s abusive? The father is clearly abusive for permitting/encouraging this craziness. I assume that’s not new behavior, which makes this a lifelong issue for OP, who may not know what normal boundaries look like on a good day. Hope OP can also get access to some legit therapy to help reframe her long-term perspective. GOOD LUCK, OP! You’re going to be okay when you leave!

  220. Tata*

    Hi OP, I’m in San Antonio if you’re in the area or interested in moving. I work with one of largest employers in town (not military). I can submit your resume.

    1. AnonMurphy*

      Now that the screaming has stopped inside my head, I will join the train of Leave Now, Leave Today. Offering Michigan support.

  222. MissDissplaced*

    Holy crap on a stick!
    This boss is WAY beyond any reasonable work norms, and don’t let her or your dad try to tell you anything different OP. There is so much going on here I don’t know where to begin, but I think it’s safe to say: Your boss is mever going to change.

  223. theBlackDog*

    Run. Just run. I’m with Allison in that Jill is a horrible boss and she has no right to force you to do things like attend their couples counseling. I know it’s going to be hard not to feel guilty but you absolutely did nothing wrong. I’m sure you can land on your feet somewhere else and hopefully it will be a much better job.

  224. SkyePilot*

    First, get the heck out of there as fast as humanly possible!!! Second, the ONLY teeny tiny silver lining I can see in all of this is that, since you now have some practice writing a memoir, you could probably sell this crazy story. As someone else mentioned, it’s a great modern day Cinderella!

    Also, hopefully at some point you can look back on this and realize if you can survive this (which you have for way longer than most people have!) then you can probably survive anything work related! Good luck and please keep us all updated!

  225. Nisie*

    There are times I wish we had room to talk about former bully bosses and what happened when we GTFO. How much better our lives are and what impact the bullies had on our day to day lives now. Because I left, I got paid better, met my husband, got married and had two girls. She was forced to step down a position and forced into early retirement as she had a track record of her behavior.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      That sounds like a great conversation to have on the Friday Open Thread.

  226. Tin Cormorant*

    My first reaction: wow, are you working for my ex-stepmother? She treated me this way when I lived with her in high school over 15 years ago, and it wasn’t better when I was basically forced to work in her office for a summer. I’m actually pretty glad my dad divorced her.

    My second reaction: Do that infant’s parents know that their daughter is being left with a random person at work? If my mother-in-law offered to watch my daughter for me and I found out she was just leaving her with someone else I’ve never met the whole time, I’d be livid and not allow her to do that any more. Then again, if my mother-in-law was this awful I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t let her watch my kid in the first place.

    1. GreyjoyGardens*

      Oh yeah – if I had a tiny baby, and thought baby’s grandma or other trusted relative was caring for her, and then found out that baby was left with some random – I would HIT THE CEILING. No more grandma time for you, Jill! WTF is Jill thinking?!

      1. AKchic*

        But it’s not just a “random”. It’s grandma’s live-in boyfriend’s daughter. Depending on how evil granny spins it, OP could be called “aunty” in order to make everyone go along with it once it’s actually brought to light.

        Do I agree with it? No, not at all; but we do need to stop categorizing and minimizing the LW as a “random” when technically, they could be classified as family, or family adjacent.

    2. Lara*

      Oh, she’s probably perfectly charming to her daughter in law. People like this know how to pick their victims.

  227. Volunteer Enforcer*

    OP, this is not normal or OK. I’d argue your health is more important than your savings, if you need to quit without another job lined up do it. Hopefully your mum at least will understand. I hope you find a much better job soon.

    1. RVA Cat*

      This.
      Jill is acting more like some kind of pimp than a boss in a legal, sane workplace.

  228. Wren*

    Your mom’s advice to ride it out vs. your friends advice to quit reminds me of my friend’s first job out of school. Her parents didn’t want her to quit a situation that was affecting her mental health and I was the friend telling her to quit. There was eventually a last straw moment where she quit on the spot. If remotely financially doable, just quit. Really.

  230. I Didn’t Kill Kenny*

    This is beyond insane. Jill sounds certifiable.
    As many others have said, RUN. Run for your life! Run like an ax murderer is chasing you.

    People like this do such a number on your psyche and can make you start to feel like you are somehow in the wrong. Constant exposure can start to normalize this behavior for you.
    I know some posters have said to distance yourself from your dad; he has behaved badly but look at leaving as a step toward saving your relationship with him. Hopefully one day he will gain some perspective on this and apologize. You don’t need this toxic woman. Find any job you can and get out. Not necessarily in that order.

    Good luck!

  231. Mary*

    Probably too late for this comment to get seen, BUT 275 jobs in 6 months is too many. That means you’re applying for all sorts of random things with no kind of strategy and you’re probably not doing a great job of tailoring your applications. You definitely, absolutely need a new job – because Alison’s right, this sounds AWFUL – but you’re probably going to have a much better success rate of you apply for a maximum of 1-2 jobs a week, and make them jobs you’re genuinely interested in and make sure that interest comes through in your applications.

    So much luck, OP!

    1. Lara*

      My advice would be somewhere in between the two. 3-5 jobs you care about, plus applications for all the temp agencies, all the fast food places etc.

  232. LeRainDrop*

    Jill’s behavior is appalling. OP, there is nothing normal about this situation, and none of it is your fault. I would quit this job as soon as it is possible for you to do so. Wishing you great success ahead in extricating yourself from the Jill/Dad disaster and finding a more reasonable job!

  233. StableGoat*

    OP, happy to help in Virginia if I can – job connections, place to stay, funds, whatever you need. I’ll echo the overwhelming chorus here that this is not your fault, you’re not crazy, and you need to get out. Please, if you can, take any of us up on the offers of help.

    AAM commentariat, you are the most amazing group of humans I’ve ever seen. I’ve read every single comment on this post (thus far!), and I can’t stop the tears from coming to my eyes. Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity.

  234. clickk*

    Oh, dear millenial LW, believe me when I say that none of these issues have anything to do with the fact that you are a millenial, and therefore not a strong enough worker. You sound like an amazingly competent worker, and you must have an immense amount of professionalism to not have completely exploded on this woman by now. My baby boomer parents also tried assuring me that *my* work conduct was the issue, that I needed to just suck it up and do what the boss wants, when I was having issues with a ridiculous boss, but believe me—it is in no one’s job description to manage the whims and emotions of another adult!

  235. buttercup*

    O.M.G. I don’t have any original wisdom to add, just that 1.) GTFO ASAP, and 2.) Write a screenplay based on this, sell it, and get rich! (I don’t actually know if it is this simple, but wouldn’t it be wonderful??)

  236. Laura H*

    I think this is WORSE than chemo boss/ leave the note at the grave boss/ liver boss!! Holy. Moley.

  237. Andrea*

    Solution: write your own book about this insanity!! Lol, just kidding…maybe?

  238. Tabby Baltimore*

    (I haven’t read all the comments, so if someone else already suggested this, apologies for the spam.)

    OP, if you decide to quit before having something else lined up, and you’re concerned about your food security, please consider doing one or both of the following: (1) check out where all the food pantries in your city/neighborhood are (church- or other-affiliated), that are within walking or biking distance of your home, so that you can continue to eat, and/or (2) look up on your city’s website how to apply for food stamps (now commonly called SNAP, Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program), if pantries are too far away from you. Decades ago, I knew several grad students who only made enough money to pay their rents, so applied to and qualified for the city’s food stamp program, so they could continue eating. Food pantries, and/or public assistance, are for people in your exact position; it’s a short-term safety net until you can get back on your feet with a paying job. OP, if you can, please check back in to let us know how you are doing. We are all rooting for you.

  239. Kms1025*

    Oh. My. God. Miss reading for a couple of days and the mother of all insane bosses appears! OP you have received excellent advice from Alison. With that counseling threat I’m not sure if you couldn’t quit due to the toxicity of this job and still collect unemployment while you try to find something else. Run, don’t walk, to another job. You’ve got to get away from this crazy beeatch! Your dad is a royal grade a asshat for allowing his child to be mistreated like this! I am so sorry for you. Please update us when all this dust settles. You deserve so much better than this.

  240. MoodyMoody*

    It’s too bad that the Ask a Manager and Captain Awkward collaboration has already happened. This would have been the perfect juxtaposition for Alison and Jennifer!

    1. MoodyMoody*

      (P.S.: LW, if you make it down this far, Captain Awkward is actually a film professor as her day job. Hey, the two of you might be able to create a hit indie movie!)

  241. LT*

    A couple of others have compared this to “The Devil Wears Prada,” which kinda shows how “exciting” it can be working for someone up high and famous, but even Andrea/Andy had the sense to quit towards the end.

    Anyways if we’re keeping record of horrible coworkers/bosses of 2018, this is right up there with the lady who took photos of her coworker’s stoma bag outside his home

  243. OxfordComma*

    OP: Start an escape plan like right now. Two options that I can see:
    1. Immediately quit. Go crash on a friend’s couch. Take whatever job you can. My suggestion would be to try and land some temp work, but if you can’t–do food service. Do supermarket work. Whatever you can find.

    2. Plan on leaving in the very near future (no more than a month). Try and line something else up. Figure out a date you will leave and go. Do not tell anyone what you are doing until you have something in the bag. But leave by that date. No exceptions.

    I would make copies of anything you need from this job. I would look into changing your phone #, locking down your bank account–close it out if she’s using it to pay you direct deposit and get a new one, if she has access to your personal stuff–grab everything you can like your birth certificate, insurance policies, anything that’s in your name. Change your address to a PO Box. Then distance yourself from both your parents for the immediate future (it’s probable Jill will try to use your father to get back at you and it’s possible your mom will give your contact info to your dad). If you’re living at home, wait till you’re alone, pack your stuff and leave before anyone gets back.

    I am someone who fears uncertainty, but frankly if I were you, I’d be looking at option #1 and stuffing my belongings into trash bags like right now.

    You are in an abusive situation and you need to treat it like one.

  244. PutAnEggOnIt*

    OP, please know that every decent person in the world is on your side on this. Sincerely hoping you are able to extract yourself from this situation ASAP.

  245. Woodswoman*

    So much wonderful advice here, and I’m late to the party, but here’s my two cents.

    OP, to protect yourself as others have mentioned, I’m emphasizing the importance of writing a letter to one or all of the organization’s board members at the same time you resign. With someone as unstable and controlling as your boss, there’s no telling what she might say about you that could damage you financially, legally, etc. A simple one-page letter outlining what happened–unemotional, just describing facts–is essential for your own protection. For example, “I was unable to remain in my position when Jill told me that I had to attend counseling sessions with her if I wanted to keep my job.” Or “she required me to babysit an infant as part of my job.” Or “Jill has never given me set hours and wants me to on-call throughout the day and night.”

    Good luck to you–I’m sure you’ll see how much better things are once you get out of there!

    1. Avatre*

      This is a great suggestion. It is making me fantasize about Declaration of Independence-style letters, though.

      “The history of LW’s present Boss is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over LW’s life and sanity. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world:
      “She has never given LW set hours and wants her on-call throughout the day and night.
      “She has required LW to babysit an infant as part of her job, without additional recompense.
      “She has demanded that LW attend couples therapy with her and my father as a condition of LW keeping her job.
      “She has threatened the termination of her romantic entanglement with LW’s father as a means of controlling LW’s work behavior.
      “She has treated LW in a rude and unkind manner both privately and publicly, and has enlisted LW’s father on her behalf.
      “She has repeatedly demeaned other employees of her organization through fabricated and exaggerated rumors.
      “In every stage of these Oppressions LW has Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Her repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury.
      “LW therefore does solemnly publish and declare, That LW is, and of Right ought to be No Longer An Employee In This House of Bees, that she is Absolved from all Allegiance to Jill and to LW’s Father, and that all Employment and if necessary Personal Connection between LW and her Father and Employer, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free Agent she has full Power to Move Away, seek New Jobs, collect Unemployment, and to do all other Acts and Things which Reasonable Human Beings may of right do.
      “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of the AAM Comments Section, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.”

      …I mean, obviously LW should not word her resignation letter like that, but wouldn’t it be satisfying if she could?

  246. This Daydreamer*

    LW, you not only need to get the hell out of there, you should drop off the edge of the world as far as Jill is concerned. Leave a note that you’ve quit, then cut off any way she has of contacting you or finding you. Jill is eighteen kinds of nightmares and she will get even worse if she thinks you’re going to escape.

    You’re going to be a flipping rock star at your next job. Seriously.

  248. Danish*

    Perhaps you are an “entitled” millennial, but you’re not wrong to be, here– you are actually entitled to be treated with dignity and respect.

    In all honesty OP, I think *my* heart rate was 115 just reading about that terrible meeting with Jill and your dad. I hope you can get out soon.

    1. Lara*

      I dunno… the older I get I think when someone uses the word ‘entitled’ in relation to the word ‘millennial’ they mean ‘has self esteem / boundaries / refuses to be exploited.’

      1. Michaela Westen*

        That’s how I was when I was young. Back then they said I had a bad attitude.

  249. Jemima Bond*

    Fposte is wise (in fact I imagine them as a slightly older gentleman with salt and pepper hair and a crisp shirt, the sort that is blue but with a white collar, looking at you over half-moon specs from behind his mahogany desk) – time to get all over Alison’s great advice so your amazing cover letter and resume gets you the heck out of there.
    A Person who suggests a temp agency is also very wise; this is likely to add more to your resume than waitressing (although I wouldn’t judge you for that – sounds like being Freddy Krueger’s cleaning lady would be preferable to where you are now!).
    Deep breath – and try to think positive thoughts of a time ahead when you’ll have a reasonable boss, helpful colleagues, and some time to yourself in the evenings for underwater basket weaving or whatever is your hobby of choice.
    And mean Jemima says, when her book comes out, call up any publications who review it and tell them she wrote barely a word of it herself. Or even the publisher, before then.

  250. Rosemary7391*

    Another thought for OP – dunno if you’re religiously inclined or if other groups might work for this, but when I (in entirely normal circumstances) moved across my country, my minister put me in touch with a friend of hers who put me up for a few weeks until I got my flat sorted out. If you have any access to that sort of network they’re gonna go into overtime to get you out of this situation!

  251. Traveling Teacher*

    I posted this upthread, but thought I would repost below, too: I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP!

    To protect yourself:

    Change all of your passwords: Make sure you try to think of every website you possibly can, from taxes, bank, student loans, and email, all your social media, Amazon or other online shopping accounts, dating sites, but also importantly any sites you visit routinely that might have weaker security protocols or might be auto-saved/autofilled somewhere (like commenting accounts on favorite websites, etc.)

    Also, make sure you turn on the log-in alerts on your email, bank, loan, and social media accounts immediately, if you haven’t already done so. If you forget to change a password, then you’ll at least know they hacked in and can change again.

    Change your phone number.

    Get a PO Box ASAP and change all of your mailings to go there–you especially do not want your tax or student loan info to end up in the wrong hands!

    Alert your bank (it would be better to open a new account at another bank as soon as possible, and also alert them) that someone may try to impersonate you. My small credit union used to only have the “standard” security questions (full name, account number, 4 digits of SSN, DOB)–those are all things your mom and dad would know, and Jill would have access to. I had them add on an extra security protocol when I was being stalked by an ex in the couple of days before I could move my account. (The people at both banks were very sympathetic and did everything they could to expedite the process–tell them what you’re dealing with!) I also alerted my student loans people and insurance, as they were likely to call me.

    I actually made a new email account and changed my email with as many sites as possible to doubly ensure that ex couldn’t easily find me. In the coming weeks, I suggest that you do the same!

    Make sure you remove your paper trail (account statements, student loan info, etc) from their house and get your originals (birth certificate, passport, school transcripts, diplomas) out of there so that you don’t have to wait and pay to replace them. If they catch you doing this, just tell them that you’re doing KonMari (or another organization method) with all of your paperwork to get organized.

  252. Ed Chamberlain*

    As a Manager and Dad, I am appalled on every level. Escape – please for the love of god just get out. From work and home. Move to another town. Anything. Seriously. RUN!

  253. Minerva*

    Oh dear lord.

    Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said. Just one more voice of support for you. Jill and your father are so wrong it’s absurd.

  254. sunshyne84*

    Um yea……you just need to stop showing up period. And block her number (and probably dad’s too). Another job will come, you won’t suffer, but this is not normal and you don’t need to deal with it a second longer than you have.

  255. Quinley*

    Hoooooolyyyyy shhhhhhhhhh

    Run. Run as fast as you can. My eyebrows are through the gotdamn roof.

  257. b*

    – I agree, u need to find work elsewhere
    -get a letter of recommendation from a co-worker or acquaintance that recognise the boss indisposition
    -don’t quit the job yet…have a little fun…fuck with her a bite…play dump, busy, emotional etc…
    -don’t give her 2 weeks notice…as soon u find a new one…go on vacation, sick leave, spread ur time etc…
    -keep all of the address connection she has…don’t fuck to much with that…but there is a job in there in the future
    -basically… Think… use ur brain…it’s the most powerful thing in this solar system and maybe more

  258. Meg Danger*

    Does anyone else think it might be a good idea to loop in the BOD about hat has been happening with the ED? Some of these behaviors are pretty alarming from an organizational health perspective, and I would certainly want to know if I were on this board. It sounds like you have a good relationship with at least some of the board members (in that they go out of their way to greet and encourage you at company events), and looping in an ally could be a good CYA move if you need to line up a good reference for job searching, or even to protect yourself against possible retaliation from your fathers girlfriend when you move on from the organization.

  259. Shinobi*

    Is it weird that I think she should send this note to the Therapist?

    This therapist is probably being told all kinds of things that aren’t true at this point. And I have to question whether the therapist themselves even wants her there, or perhaps has an entirely different view of how she is part of the conflict in their lives. (i.e. I’m sure they have told the therapist some sob story about how they are trying to heeeelp the LW and the LW just wont heeear them because milleeeeenialllll)

    I had a friend who was extremely manipulative like this, and she had her therapist wrapped around her little finger because she just lied all the time. None of it would have held up if the therapist met any third parties.

    Anyway, Best of luck in your job search LW. Don’t let the bullshit about Millenials make you believe you aren’t a good worker. It’s just old people who are mad that they aren’t cool anymore.

  260. peachie*

    I don’t have much to add that hasn’t been said–definitely leave now, OP.

    If you need some work in the interim, TaskRabbit can be a decent temporary/part-time money maker, if it’s in your area. I did it for about half a year to supplement my main job, and I had money coming in in… two weeks, maybe? It can be a lot of physical labor, but if you’re willing to clean (and can do daytime hours) you’ll almost certainly get as many jobs as you want to. (No current affiliation with TR and I’m not cheerleading them as a company–I was just able to get out of a sticky financial situation reasonably quickly that way).

    Other similar services, like dog walkers/pet sitters might be an option as well. Especially if you live in a decent-sized city, I bet there are companies that do this that operate similarly to TaskRabbit/Uber/other gig economy deals (that is, everything goes through an app, you get assignments, and you don’t have to do anything to promote yourself/build up your clientele). If you’re free during the day, there’s a decent amount of demand for services like these.

    Good luck. This is AWFUL.

  261. Database Developer Dude*

    I never meant to imply that EA work wasn’t good work, just that working for Dad’s girlfriend, even if she wasn’t batshit crazy, is never a good idea

  262. Grey Ghost*

    I am sorry that I am coming in late with this suggestion. I believe that you mentioned attending graduate school. Did you teach any classes while in graduate school? If you have a Master’s degree, you might be able to get a part-time teaching job at one of your local universities or colleges. While the pay sucks, you might be still be able to make enough to get by until you find something better.

  263. Pomona Sprout*

    In addition to seconding, thirdng, and fourthing all those who are saying “GET OUT GET OUT NOW OMG PLEASE GET OUT” I would also like to put in a word for therapy–not the b.s. Jill is trying to drag OP into, but good, solid, honest to God therapy pursued independently with a therapist of OP’s choice. When someone’s head has been messed with the way OP’s has been, sometimes you need all the help you get to clear out the garbage and get said head screwed back on straight again.

    I was in a horrible situation with a horrible sociopathic boss years ago, and though I got out, the resulting scars caused me to make mistakes like ignoring red flags and taking the wrong jobs out of desperation and handling problems that arose poorly out of paranoia about bring mistreated again and determination not to let that happen. I ended up blowing up a bridge or two in the process, in addition to taking my career path in a direction that in hindsight I would and should not have chosen. The right therapy could have made a big difference. Now I’m too old to undo the damage and start fresh and left with a bad case of the woulda coulda shouldas (which now that I think about it, I should get some therapeutic help to deal with so I don’t end up dying old and bitter, lol ).

    But enough about me. OP, if you’re able, please get consider getting some therapeutic to help to work through the issues that this ordeal is likely to leave you with as well to help navigate your relationships with your parents going forward. Best of luck to you, dear. I’m rooting for you!

    1. Michaela Westen*

      If you do go to therapy, remember not all therapists are good or suitable. It took me three tries to find a good therapist. The first was okay but going downhill, the second was a disaster, the third is an angel.
      You need to expect to try more than one therapist and carefully evaluate whether it’s working for you. If the therapist makes you feel bad about yourself or your life, or seems manipulative in any way, or is distracted by their own stuff, or behaves inappropriately or disrespectfully, move on to try the next.
      If possible, get referrals from people whose judgment you trust and check internet reviews before you go.
      Good luck! :)

  264. frogs and turtles*

    Dear OP (and anyone else here trying to get a job)– Go to a temp agency!!! Many jobs are filled that way and ONLY that way, especially entry level. I am also in Madison WI, and I know two people who searched for months and months for jobs (one was actually more than a year) via the sending-out-resumes method and got nothing. But as soon as they signed up at a temp agency they each had a job within a couple of weeks, and both of them were hired permanently by the companies they were temping at a few months later.

    It was obvious that these places didn’t even bother trying to hire people through any channel other than temp agencies. Once my friends figured this out they felt like idiots because of all the time they wasted sending resumes through company HR portals, but they shouldn’t have, because it’s not like this is advertised. I would not be surprised if the same thing happens in many other cities.

    You can tell the temp agency what industry you want to work in. Sign up with more than one agency too if you can. Good luck!!

  267. MarkA*

    This is one that I am looking forward to hearing nothing but positive about the update.
    I really hope the OP sees all the messages.
    Nothing to add that’s not been said about leaving ASAP except that you have gained some very useful skills such as diplomacy, tact, actual admin skills, and the book skills, and Alison will make your CV magic undoubtedly.
    I hope that you think I’ll just get away, have no contact for say 3 months to avoid being manipulated, set yourself free, not worry about the carnage behind and have minimal contact after that.
    Lets hope a new employer has seen this and gives you a break.
    I hope is that out of you contacting Alison you go on to spread your wings and be very successful.
    Just don’t look back too much.

  269. Noobtastic*

    At an interview:

    Why did you leave your last job?

    Well, my father started dating my boss, and then my boss told me I had to join them for couples therapy, or she’d put me on probation. It became too awkward.

    Anyone who does not immediately respond with a gasp, a “Whaaaaaat?!”, jaw-dropped silence, or some other form of visible shock is someone you definitely don’t want to work for, anyway. And you need to know who you don’t want to work for, anyway.

    Good luck, and GET OUT OF THAT PLACE!

    Also, frankly, I think your father should get out, too, but his working with her to abuse you (and that is exactly what he’s doing, OP!) means he gets no sympathy from me, if he stays. I won’t say he deserves abuse (no one deserves abuse), but he gets no sympathy from me, *because he hurt you, too.* You, on the other hand, have all my sympathy.

    I would recommend you go to therapy. Not couples therapy, and certainly not with your boss. I mean therapy just to help you deal with the emotional fall-out from this hell. There will be fall-out. She’ll try to drag you back. Your father will (if he stays with her) try to drag you back. They’ll try to guilt-trip you. You’ll probably feel guilty about whoever replaces you, because you can’t save them without destroying her. I mean that literally. If you don’t destroy her, she WILL get another assistant. You can’t stop it. And you can’t save that person. Do NOT feel guilty about something that is completely out of your hands and not your fault. It is your boss’s fault for being horrible. And she’ll be horrible to her next assistant, no matter what you do. So, yeah, I’d recommend therapy for yourself, only, if possible, because this woman has already caused you to doubt yourself, and will try her best to do even more.

    Good luck!

  270. Noobtastic*

    Also, OP, remember how you said other people go out of their way to compliment you on your work? Network with those people! Ask them for recommendations, either letters of recommendations for you to take to job interviews, or for recommendations of better places to work.

    I got my all-time favorite job because a friend recommended me. My boss told me “I hired you because Arya recommended you, and if she said you were good, I knew you’d be good.”

    USE that. You earned it. It might be the entry into the best job, ever!

  271. Igg*

    Wow. LW you very correctly grasp the situation. It’s insane. 5 alarm crazy. It’s so crazy it doesn’t even seem real. Please do what the mgr says and leave fast and secretly and find a team you that isn’t your parents. This will pass. Also document your communications to Jill via email. But then leave. Wait tables or anything but not this job! You do not have to worry about your dad it’s actialky his job to worry about you and he’s failing.

  272. scn*

    File a complaint with the EEOC. If you’re in California, you can also file a complaint with the California Dept of Fair Employment and Housing (DFEH.) I’m sure there’s an equivalent in each state.

    It’s free to file a complaint, you don’t need a lawyer, and they will investigate and make a ruling. Along the way you may be offered a settlement. There’s about a million employment violations here, and your boss almost certainly has insurance to cover the settlement she’ll be paying out to you. They settlement should give you at least a year to find another job.

  273. TootsNYC*

    One thought I didn’t see: cultivate those relationships with those board members. Approach them independently, and ask to buy them coffee. Ask them for help identifying particular strengths, or what they think your marketability it.

    And then ask a couple of the friendlier ones if they’d be willing to speak about your abilities and skills should you need a reference.

    (They will know how nuts your boss is)

  274. animaniactoo*

    I have no clue how I missed this insanity. I’ll be reading the comments during file saves today and I seriously hope to see the OP updated with good news at some point. If you haven’t yet, OP, rooting for you!

  275. Charsi*

    She would need therapy. This somehow reminds me of a novel I once read, about an inept (though good-natured) man in an unearned high position who had his assistant do his work in his name. Once this assistant wrote a letter he was entrusted with, adding “my employer is an idiot, he can’t do anything himself, he didn’t even read this letter before signing it” or something similar, to the boss’ boss to get him caught. I’d love doing this to Jill if I were you :D

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