weekend free-for-all – May 12-13, 2018

by Alison Green on May 12, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Well, let’s make it my book. It is time for you to buy it! Amazon has it for $9.60, which is 40% off the list price, so the time is ripe. (But you can also buy it at independent stores as well, which is an excellent way to support them!)

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Cute Li'l UFO*

    I’m much on the mend from face-planting two weeks ago. My dentist fixed up my chipped tooth (hooray for narrowly avoiding a root canal and making things pretty with porcelain), my lip is mostly healed (hoping the scar keeps shrinking as it has been!), and my head is doing better.

    I don’t know how to slow down. I really do stay active so recovering from a concussion/whiplash/everything was torture. I’ve had concussions before and I’ve been sidelined for other injuries, but this was like nothing else. It was difficult to try and converse with friends because my brain just got so exhausted.

    It was scary and it was aggravating. I spent about half the time with a neck pillow keeping my head stable and watching MST3K reruns.

    2. Screenwriter*

      I had a similar thing with a wretched slip on a rainy driveway, breaking my ankle and sidelining myself for MONTHS, not to mention gaining a ridiculous amount of weight as a result. I was moving way too fast, hands full, not paying full attention. It was so stupid and with such a stupid consequence, I’ve been trying to be much more mindful, and it has really helped. I try not to “hurry” everywhere, and most importantly, not having both hands full!!! I frame it not as “what an idiot I am” or “I guess I’m just getting old,” but instead I try to say to myself: “I am valuable, and needed, and so I have to protect myself and not injure myself.” I frame “slowing down” as “protecting myself because I am valuable,” and it makes a big difference.
      One other thing that has really helped me is once my ankle was completely healed, I started weight-training and working out with a trainer. It not only helped rehab my ankle, but it is giving me a whole new level of strength and balance. This also makes a big difference in avoiding falls.
      Good luck, and take time to heal and let your body rest when it needs too!

      1. nep*

        Many of the people at a fitness center where I work have made that remark — even after just a bit of strength training they have been able to save themselves from falls; their stability is much, much better.
        Great points.

      2. hollow exuviae*

        Wow, this sounds a lot like what happened to me earlier this year. Down to the struggle of thinking I’m an idiot for it happening and blaming myself. I was considering doing strength training so thank you very much for sharing your experience! It’s convinced me even more that it’s the right choice. So thanks for potentially improving this Internet Stranger’s life, Screenwriter!

        1. Screenwriter*

          Thank you! It has really made a huge difference in so many ways! And I absolutely have had a few “teetering” moments (stepping off a curb I didn’t see, you know the kind of thing) where I managed to actually maintain my balance and not fall, and totally thanked my trainer (at the beginning of the session; during the session I curse at him haha). It feels so empowering, and it’s great to feel so much more agile and balanced and strong. Good luck and you’re totally welcome, Hollow larva friend!

      3. Mimmy*

        I took a bad fall last November, giving myself a GIANT knot on my forehead, scratched glasses and black eyes, because I was rushing. Now I’m a lot more mindful about not being in such a hurry, even in my own house.

      4. Cute Li'l UFO*

        Oh no! That’s awful, Screenwriter. I am a former dancer as well as police explorer and fencer so I feel like I’m generally good with balance and falling correctly. I was crossing a street late-ish (around 9:30 PM) and decided “hey look, there’s my car, I’ll just dart across since there’s no one out here now!”

        I’ve gotten the toes of plenty of other shoes stuck in the light rail tracks before in SF, but never anything when I was darting across the street. I must have catapulted myself into the ground. It was so sudden. You know how usually when you fall you have that feeling of “yep, gonna fall!” and you can catch yourself? My hands weren’t even road rashed. All my clothes were pretty okay, even. Except for blood and tears but I’ll take that over shredding my lambskin leather jacket. I was able to clean the lining of my LV tote with some Tide diluted in lukewarm water and it looks great now. I’ll be spot cleaning my jacket today now that I’ve got the real dexterity back to do so and since the cleaners didn’t want to chance ruining the leather’s softness. My glasses weren’t even bent. The left lens has a couple pits in it but not otherwise too distracting and replacement lenses from Warby Parker are $50. Despite landing on my face and chest I didn’t smash my phone in my pocket.

        I had an interview on Thursday and you BET I gingerly stepped all over those tracks! I’ve been working on some exercises for wrists after injury and I’ve been waiting to get back into my usual afternoon run/walk.

        1. Screenwriter*

          Ouch! That sounds like a real pratfall! Yes, I know EXACTLY that feeling of “welp, falling now, nothing I can do,” and it’s just so hideous! I actually just lay there on the rainy driveway cursing and sobbing. You KNOW you’ve hurt yourself. At least, as a ballet dancer and fencer, I picture you super graceful on the way down haha. I’m so sorry about your wrists. But the most important thing, of course, was your leather jacket and your phone lol!

          It really is a totally different experience to move around more mindfully–I never realized how much I rush around all the time. Those SF streets can really be difficult sometimes–I grew up in Berkeley (which is where my own accident happened). Did you ever dance w/ the SF Ballet? I had a b.f. who played in the orchestra and he snuck me into almost every performance, it was awesome. Glad you’re feeling better. ps I love Warby Parker!

      5. PhyllisB*

        I slipped in my driveway one rainy day and broke my tailbone. I tell you; I had three children without anesthesia and three combined did not hurt as much as that did. Took nearly two years before I could sit or stand without pain.

        1. Cute Li'l UFO*

          Oh man. The tailbone break just sticks with you! I know exactly what you mean–I broke mine when I was 11 and even now I still feel it sometimes.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Glad you’re feeling better!

      Whiplash is the WORST. It sounds so minor, but it’s not. I sprained my neck (and seemingly every muscle in my torso) falling at the ice rink a couple of years ago and it was just exhausting. It was on a Sunday, and I had to go to work the next day anyway . I could not turn my head–I had to turn my whole body to look around, and I had to sort of roll out of bed because I couldn’t sit up properly. Needless to say, I was in a complete fog at work for two or three days. And that was without a concussion. Fortunately it was a light week.

      Rest is best!

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        Here’s how my day started one morning when I was in college: the alarm went off and I simultaneously lifted my head and flung my hair off my face. I *heard* something crunch and a pain shot from my ear to the tip of my shoulder. I couldn’t turn my head to the side for a week. My roommates thought I was being a drama queen. I had trouble with it on and off for 10 years-if I looked up and to the side too quickly, it would flare up for a couple of days.

  2. Cristina in England*

    Inspired by AAM’s recent chat with Gretchen Rubin I have been listening to the Happier podcast that Rubin does with her sister. There’s a lot of good advice in there for people who are always kind of trying to improve their lives. I also like the categories she comes up with, like the different loopholes we give ourselves as excuses not to eat right/exercise (the tomorrow loophole, the coin loophole, the false choice loophole), and the dichotomies like “are you an over buyer or an under buyer?”. I guess I like categories and labels for messy mental process stuff.

    I’ve kind of avoided her work in the past because, I don’t know, I guess I was avoiding the work of trying to actually be happier and the ensuing expectations, but I like the idea of making small fixes like solving the problem of the chair that catches the clothing that is worn once but not freshly laundered.

    Anyone else listening?

    1. Jingle*

      I just started listening to the Happier podcast a few months ago and I love it! I have learnt so much about myself and some great hacks to help live the life I want, and I’m only about 40-something episodes in. I don’t listen to a lot of podcasts (this one and Allison’s are it right now) but it’s really worth it.

    2. only acting normal*

      Categories for messy mental processes?
      Small fixes to improve happiness?
      *goes to add it to podcast feed*

      Thanks!

    3. Overeducated*

      I enjoyed the book, but I unsubscribed to the podcast because it seemed like there were five two minute “shorts” for every longer one. Walking to the metro in winter, I got sick of taking my gloves off every other block to navigate podcasts.

    4. kc89*

      I was irritated when I tried to take her free quiz on her website and then found out they don’t give you the results until you register ugh

      1. Cristina in England*

        Yeah that is annoying. I probably used my mailing list email address.

    5. Turtlewings*

      Okay, I definitely have the Clothing Catcher Chair — what does she say about that?

      1. Cristina in England*

        I can’t remember which episode it was in, but the suggestions were:
        -designate a separate place for this category of clothes that have been worn but are too clean to wash
        -decide that these clothes should be considered clean and go back with the clean stuff

        Then in a later episode they said a ton of listeners had gotten in touch to suggest installing hooks somewhere to keep these clothes from getting dirtier and also keep them out of the way, which I guess is a version of the first suggestion, to give them their own place.

        1. Nicole76*

          That’s what I do. I have hooks in the closet above where my laundry baskets are (yes, plural; there are only two of us but I have multiple baskets so I can sort loads as the clothes get dirty). I hang up stuff that’s worn but not necessarily dirty.

  3. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m struggling with very inconsistent mood and energy levels, and random anxiety for no apparent reason. I felt great on the day’s I biked to work but had no energy left to clean my apartment. On the days I didn’t bike I ended up too anxious to clean. So my place is a mess.

    I’m proud of biking the days I did, and doing social stuff today and making plans for the weekend.

    How are you doing?

    1. Thlayli*

      I’ve been on antidepressants for a couple months now and I keep flip-flopping between “I’m all better” and “I’m not better yet” but on the whole I’m definitely getting there.

      I’m doing ok at work though the few weeks I took off earlier in the year are really coming back to bite me in the ass now because we are nearing a big deadline and I have a looong list of things that need to be done. But I’m keeping it together and trying to prioritise well.

      Home is a bit harder. Counselling is going ok I think. All in all I’m still in the “one day at a time” phase of getting over depression I think

    2. StellaBella*

      Thank you for asking this. I have been having some good times and some tough times in the past year. A year ago I went thru a bad breakup (dated 3 years), left a job with a very toxic environment, then got hospitalised for pancreatitis and had two surgeries in a 10-day period. Since then I have had a lot of brain fog and a lot of issues remembering things and sorting out my university homework (I also moved countries and started an MSc). But now, I am not great – but managing OK. I am over a lot of the hurdles in motivation, feeling better more days than not, and will be climbing a 1085-meter mountain next weekend. But I admit that learning to ride a bike helps (never did well as a kid with this and am trying it out again – terrifying but I can sort of do it), exercise helps, not reading a lot of news helps, working with others helps, and my cat helps.
      I am glad for you that the biking helps with your anxiety. :) Well done!

      1. Bumbly Bee*

        Kudos to you with re-learning how to ride a bike. I thought I was the only adult known to humanity that rides a bike only on straight paths or uphill…cause I am a scared disaster riding downhill, lol.

        All the BEST in your continued recovery

        1. Mrs. Fenris*

          I don’t mind riding bikes if the ground is flat, but I do NOT enjoy it in the relatively hilly area where I live. Uphill is hard work and downhill is terrifying. Nope.

    3. Rach*

      I want to be able to stop obsessively comparing myself to people who’ve achieved more at my age, or younger. Trying to tell myself that people are different and have different paths etc., but really there’s always a voice in the back of my head telling me I’m simply not good enough, not trying hard enough me not ambitious enough.

      1. London Calling*

        I recommend, if you can find it because it may be out of print, a book called Tolstoy’s Bicycle – what people did at all sorts of ages. It takes it’s title from the fact that the author of War and Peace and Anna Karenina did not learn to ride a bicycle until he was 67 years old. There is a great comment on Amazon.com in the reviews –

        “This large tome is well worth the time and focus it requires to read it but you will not be able to put it down once you begin.The main objective is to emphasise the activities of life and general achievements and to link them with age, from birth to 100 years old to prove that we are all capable of great things, regardless of age. The facts and figures make amazing reading and, if nothing else, it will inspire you onward to greater deeds and improve that old self-esteem.”

      2. Marathon Girl*

        I’ve been experiancing this too lately… I’ve stopped looking at Facebook and it has helped. I clicked on it once the other day out of curiousity and instantly saw something that lowered my mood and made me feel ‘not good enough’. I also did a English Degree (which I completed 2 years ago and though I enjoyed it, felt I ‘wasted’ my time as it’s good for nothing but a Masters) and still feel like I haven’t done much with my life so far since graduating. But I feel like I’m finally on ‘a’ track towards a career I’m interested in so that’s raised my mood a bit I guess! I also met up with an old high school friend I haven’t seen since we started university who did a medical degree (I thought she’d be set by now) but no she’s been jobless for nearly a year and struggling to decide what she wants to do so that put some things in perspective. We’ll make it :)

    4. Miss Elaine e.*

      Thanks for asking. I’m doing okay but there are times when I tend to brood over past hurts.

      I have sibs-in-law who I can’t seem to connect with: At family functions (such as one coming up on Sunday (Mother’s Day), they tend to ignore me. I do my darnedest to be pleasant, ask the usual small talk questions (“How’s life?” “How’s the job?” “What’s new?” “Go (sports team)!”) but only get minimal answers. If I message them (whether it’s voice mail, text, Facebook, email, I rarely get a response and only if it’s regarding one of the kids. On several occasions they have actively insulted me:
      “Who would ever ask You to (my profession)?”
      On distributing the latest family portrait, “Some people are just not photogenic.” (True, I’m not, but gee, thanks…)
      When they were trying mightily to get our children involved in a certain afterschool problem-solving organization (i.e., they wanted us to set up a local club for it, despite our knowing almost nothing about it and our kids showing almost no interest in it.) At that time, we could not do so as I had just left a job I loved in order to take care of my elderly, failing mother (may she be resting in peace). So I said (admittedly a bit snarkily), “Yeah, in my spare time.” The response was, “Why, you don’t do anything.”
      If my family were The Office, I’d be Toby Flenderson. Whenever there is a family function, I tend to brood about all this. I wish I could figure out how to stop the cycle.

      By the way, Happy Mother’s Day to all, whether you are one or know one!

      1. Miss Elaine e.*

        I should have also mentioned that, of this generation, my husband and I are the only ones who have remained married. Except for one, very messy divorce, several years ago, the other siblings have not married, or even dated, these many years. So, at family gatherings, I am the only non-blood relative in a quite clannish group. Sigh.

        1. only acting normal*

          I wonder why they’re not all happily married? Because they sound utterly *delightful*.

          On a more constructive note…
          Don’t bother with trying to engage them. Forget the small talk, a polite “hi” is the absolute maximum that needs to be said. Stick to using all your energy on the people at gatherings that are actually worth your time and effort. E.g. the mother-in-law you love and respect.
          If you become the proverbial ‘grey rock’ they won’t bother trying to be wantonly mean to you – they’ll turn their claws on someone else… perhaps each other… take popcorn.

      2. Chameleon*

        That is tough. If you read Captain Awkward, there’s a similar letter this week from someone who is trying to figure out how to get along better with her sister-in-law. The advice is basically “you can’t make someone like you, so maybe just disengage from trying to build the relationship and focus more on the relationships that make you happy.”

        I know it’s hard when family gatherings happen, but honestly if they are that unpleasant maybe you could…just not go? Do something else that will make you happy? Sure, maybe that will make things hard on your husband but honestly he should be doing something about his siblings anyway.

        1. Miss Elaine e.*

          Thanks for the support and advice, Chameleon. I’ve been working on disengaging. Lately, the family gatherings have been non-negotiable, from my perspective at least: For instance, this is likely to be my mother-in-law’s last Mother’s Day. I do love, respect, and get along with her and so give her the honor she deserves tomorrow. Because of her very fragile health, I’m doing my best to not ruin the gatherings. I’ve resolved to stay in the background, smile and nod, and not make waves. I wish I could stop the late-night ruminating about what went wrong in my relationship with the sibs-in-law though.

          1. Bumbly Bee*

            Alrighty Miss Elaine e. – you sound like a lovely person , but you gotta stop saying that you ruin family gatherings…because you most certainly do not. Those sibs in law of yours do. My former boyfriend’s sis was an absolute witch (and I say that kindly) and her mild hostile behavior sounds very similar to your sibs in law. Don’t waste your precious time, health, and energy brooding over people who are not worth it, even if they are ‘in-law’.

            1. Miss Elaine e.*

              Thank you. To clarify, when I referred to “ruining” family gatherings, I meant that I will be making a concerted effort to hold my tongue so as to not lash out in response to any perceived slights or insults. I want my mother in law to have a lovely day and not shadowed by any negative response on my part.

              I also do not want to have to deal with any later response on the order of, “Oh yeah!?! It was our mother’s last holiday and you….”

              Finally, well, it’s my Mother’s Day too — I can play nice for a few hours and then I’ll exit to do something I want.

              Thanks again.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            My wise friend used to say when we can’t let go of something it is because it is an on-going thing. So while you may be thinking of x that happened last week/last month the real driver behind the worry is the knowing that this will probably happen again.
            Take some steps to address that probability.
            Build a plan of how you would like to handle the remarks and the ignoring. You can plan out what you will say and you can also plan an internal message to yourself. I”d do a visual image, where I am wearing a suit of armor and their remarks or not answering me bounces off of me like arrows. That is their poor behavior, not mine. I am trying to be friendly. They can choose to behave appropriately or not.
            You have a good plan in focusing on your MIL. You can tell yourself,” I will do this for a while and then I won’t have to do this.” Sibs see less of each other once the parents pass, nothing ever stays the same.

            Now you also can make plans around each visit. For example, you can set a time limit for your visit. Tricky part, actually stick to the time limit. It’s important psychologically to stick to your plan. If you train your brain that you will get yourself out on time no matter what, then the visit might seem less like an endless drag.

            And as others have suggested plan something pleasant to do after the visit. Again, super important to follow through. You are training your brain that you will indeed put some thing pleasant into your day/week/life.

            1. Miss Elaine e.*

              Thank you. This is all very helpful and what I’m planning to do. I’m also trying to retrain my brain to focus on something else when the middle-of-the-night ruminating starts.
              I’m hoping to be able to duck out early-ish tomorrow, on the excuse that it’s my Mother’s Day too) but as our household usually goes in one vehicle, it may be tricky.

              I can play nice for a few hours but again, it’s mainly the middle-of-the-night brooding that is the main issue right now.

              Again, happy Mother’s Day to one and all, particularly to those who have offered advice. Thank you.

    5. nep*

      After oral surgery it’s been tough having to take it easy. And I can really feel a difference in my mood and energy level during this period when I’m not able to work out as I like, really exerting myself with the weights and kettlebells. Drives home how much I count on exercise to keep me from falling in dark holes. In this period I’ve got to tap into other parts of myself to stay positive and resilient. Helps to think of the things for which I’m grateful. And I know I need to minimise stress to help myself heal.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My dentist does natural stuff along with the usual stuff. He has me taking a lot of vitamin D, that helps with pain but it also helps with mood, too. I did not have a ton of pain so I was not so much worried about the pain, but the stress made me tired. I thought the D might help me bounce back a bit better. He also had me take vitamin K. I think it helped.

        1. nep*

          Cool. I like that approach by your dentist.
          I’ve definitely been making sure I’m up on my vitamins and minerals. I don’t like taking meds so I’ve taken only a couple of low-dose ibuprofens since the extraction.
          So far, so good. I definitely have to actively avoid going down a hole of negative thoughts about missing my workouts; it’s all good. Deep breath.

          1. Autumnheart*

            Maybe think of it not as missing workouts, but engaging actively in optimal healing. Rest between workouts is necessary for building your body’s health, and recovery after an injury (even a controlled one like surgery) is also necessary. Maybe if you think of your recovery AS a workout, it would help?

            Also, can you do things like walking (at a non-strenuous pace) or stretching/flexibility? I’ve had surgery before so I’m familiar with the caution against raising blood pressure, but presumably you could still get some steps in and do a stretching program without exceeding that recommendation.

            1. nep*

              Thanks. Absolutely and great points. Rest is indispensable–to getting strong and fit, and to healing.
              I think that’s one thing that’s keeping me positive about things; it’s all part of optimal healing as you put it.
              I have been doing light exercise, including stretching; feels great and it helps.

    6. Localflighteast*

      Im kinda flip flop ING
      My life is awesome but dad’s cancer is rearing it’s ugly head again.
      That sucks
      Keep wondering if it’s time to stop the anti depressants.haTe bring beholden to them

    7. louise*

      I’m currently med free (about 2 years) and I am most happy to be free of some pesky side effects. But my ups and downs are so much more noticeable this way that sometimes I wonder if it’s the right thing.

      Overall I have reduced stress as much as possible and am lucky to be working only PT (in a job I love) instead of FT (in a job I hate). I really like my therapist and it feels like we’re doimg good work there. This frees up basketfuls of emotional energy I never knew I had (because I was always spending it on terrible people and difficult situations at work). I also quit looking at facebook.

      As a result, these last few months, and especially last few weeks, I have spent MUCH more time with people in real life and happily catching up on life together instead of interacting with curated presentations of lives.

      Now I just have to decide if all that good outweighs the 4-7 days per month (spread out, so not all in a row) where I can’t even get out of bed due to anxiety and overstimulation. My work has plenty of room for that to occur, so I think I’ll stick with the system for now. I tell myself I can go back to medication anytime, so there’s no pressure and there’s no failure—there’s only doing what’s best for right now and it’s okay if that changes.

    8. Red*

      I’m really proud of myself for having ran (most of ) a 5k yesterday! I’m not quite done with couch to 5k yet so it was mostly a “do what you can” sort of situation, and it was glorious.

      However – I am lonely as fudge. My husband is working two jobs and in school, and I decided to take the summer off from school. Kinda regretting that now.

    9. Mimmy*

      This week has been a bit rough due to the very sudden loss of a coworker early in the week. This person was so kind and everybody loved him (though management occasionally had to reign in their exuberance), and I have been hurting for the other staff and our students who will miss him terribly.

      But it’s kicking up my anxiety a little bit – whenever someone young passes away unexpectedly, for no apparent reason, I get really scared about it happening to me or someone close to me. Maybe it’s irrational, but life is so unpredictable.

      I am proud that I was able to keep it together for my students and was able to handle the crazy schedule changes on Thursday and going to the service, even seeing the coworker’s mom sobbing almost uncontrollably, something that usually makes me cry (although I almost lost it on the way back to work afterwards).

      I’m also proud of refraining from drinking. In March, my doctor told me to stop drinking until my next blood test in July due to elevated liver enzymes. I don’t consider myself a heavy drinker, but I have gone overboard on occasion, and I am on a couple of long-term meds, so it’s probably all catching up to me. Anyway… I’ve occasionally caved since March, and almost did on Thursday. But I didn’t have a drop of alcohol. It is going to be REALLY difficult in the next couple of months with several family events and gatherings plus a conference in mid-June with likely evening fun.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Oof, that sounds like a very rough week. Please be kind to yourself this weekend.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, it’s the stuff that blindsides us that is really jarring. I lost a cohort recently too. I found myself in tears. I barely knew the person, I did not even know the person had kids. And there I was crying. It was not helpful that the whole town was crying, either. Sadness can be so infectious.

        The only rebuttal I have ever found for this stuff is to be more grateful each day. Be grateful for the people who are still here, be grateful to see them or converse with them. We don’t think about it too much, you know? But any one of us could just run to the store for a loaf of bread and be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ugh. Who likes to think about the fragility of life?! However, we can think about gratitude more often.

        It’s odd how some people’s passing can just hit so hard. I am very sorry for your loss.

    10. matcha123*

      I am incredibly lonely. I push myself to get out of the house, to eat better, to study, to be a better person, to reach out to friends in my area to hang out, to be a better person.
      Everyday I come back to an empty, quiet apartment…cry in the shower, cry before bed…have restless sleep, wake up in the morning and repeat. I don’t feel like I can connect with people. I realized recently that the internet really can be an echo-chamber of a self-selected slice of humans. If I stop browsing forums, and chatting there, then I would have even less human communication. There aren’t many free activities in my area and walking around by myself has started to lose its appeal.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Have you had a check up lately? I am thinking of heart or thyroid. If one of those are not fully working it can feel like a bottom of a long well.
        Can you get yourself a protein drink to work with, maybe get something extra into you to help you along?

        I have to ask because this is something I had to think about. What does connecting with other people look like in real life? Is a wave and a warm smile a connection? Is lunch or coffee together a connection? What does a connection look like to you? Once I got to thinking about what a connection looked like to me, things looked a little different. I had to deliberately decide that a wave and a smile was a form of connection. I had skated right by this point. Then I found other things that were a form or connection, such as a cohort making sure I had a ride home. This is just something to think about.

        1. matcha123*

          My office has yearly checkups. I was told a few years ago that my thyroid looked swollen and saw a specialist who, after looking at a scan, said it looked swollen due to fibroids (I think). Someone here suggested B vitamins, and I’ve started taking those almost daily. They have helped my mood a lot, so will definitely be keeping up with that!

          I guess for me, connecting feels like being welcomed. As if my presence is not something to be judged or wished away. You are right about the little things that are easy to ignore. Thanks for the suggestions!

          1. Julia*

            Definitely get that thyroid checked out by a good specialist! The loneliest I ever felt was when I was living alone for the first time and my thyroid was weird. It was seriously the worst time in my life and I almost killed myself over it.

            While now, I still sometimes get lonely or sad or depressed (which I see a therapist for – mostly for the trauma from back then), my thyroid being under control makes this so much easier. I also make sure to always have a project, hobby or fandom I can dive into and lose myself in, because passion for something drowns out the loneliness big time. If you can’t feel passion for anything, maybe it’s time to consider you’re depressed (which might be caused by thyroid problems, too).

            I’m sorry you’re going through this. Some environments just feel wrong – I have someone in my grad school who is taking their issues out on me and is trying to exclude me, and it triggers so many old feelings from being bullied in school 20 years ago. There ARE places where you and I are welcome (this is one!), we just have to look a little harder for some reason.

            1. matcha123*

              Thank you! I’ll try to look for some places near me that might be able to test my thyroid. I have been living abroad for years and have struggled to find common ground with local people. I try to be aware of my feelings around the time my period starts, since my mood takes a dive around that time, too. A lot of friends have coupled up and it’s difficult to find people to go out for coffee or dinner.

              1. Julia*

                Couples vs. singles is a huge problem. Reversely, some of my single friends started dropping me after I got married, so with a husband who works a lot and fewer friends (plus also in a foreign country), I am still lonely sometimes. Being immersed in a good book or show helps immensely, and I’m trying to write my own book now. (Well, first I have to write my thesis.)

                When you do see a doctor, make sure you read some articles etc. about normal thyroid function and blood parameters as well as symptoms so you can not just advocate for yourself, but know when your doctor is dismissive or uninformed and you need a second (or third in my case) opinion. Good luck!!

                1. matcha123*

                  I think you might be in the same country as me? But with my foreign friends married to locals, they are more than happy to figure out times to meet up. The ones with kids? I will go to them when the times match up, if not, we still send each other messages.

                  I do donate blood and when I go in, they haven’t said anything to me. But maybe thyroid problems don’t show up in results from bloodwork. Thanks for the tips!

                2. Julia*

                  If we’re in the same country (and city – Tokyo?), we should be friends! Alison, can you make an email exchange happen here?

    11. Parenthetically*

      I’m actually meeting with my counselor next week to talk about some goal-setting for my particular personality and quirks. I’m overall in a really good place, but paradoxically when I’m in a good place I tend to get REEEEEEEALLY introspective and start to overanalyze my flaws. So we’re going to talk through how I can start working on overcoming the inertia that keeps me planted on my backside during my kid’s naps instead of, you know, like exercising or getting stuff done around the house.

    12. Yami Bakura*

      I wish to God I could stop freaking out over sudden disturbances, blast through my adrenaline for 8 hours straight, then crash after it’s all resolved and still feel depressed on top of feeling tired. Yesterday it was a health insurance form that I’d just remembered the day before, that I thought I had to get out yesterday afternoon OR ELSE, but then I called and they said it was the wrong form & everything was handled over the phone then and there. But I STILL felt drained after. At the end of April it was a brief scare with bills. I can’t function like this. I’m able to feel better the day after the burnout, but the day of, especially if it’s something I couldn’t predict, I either worry massively and exclusively about the worrying thing, or just lie down in a complete mess.

    13. Tiny Crankypants*

      Good job with the biking! I am proud that I have improved since being in therapy for a year.

    14. cleo*

      I did a couple very brave and stressful things this week related to doctors and care and I’ve also been pretty shut down around work / job search stuff. My base struggle is that being unemployed / underemployed is not good for my mental health (I have anxiety and PTSD), but my mental health stuff is really making it harder for me to do all of the things I need to do to look for and find full-time work. I know that I need more structure and accountability but I can’t seem to create it for myself.

      I’ve been struggling with anxiety and procrastination around looking for a new job and also completing the freelance work that I have. This week has been particularly hard because of various issues with my two freelance clients.

      I’m very proud of the steps I’ve taken w/r/t taking care of my health. I realized a few weeks ago that I feel like my anxiety is running the show right now and that I need / want to make some changes in my treatment and care. So I came up with a short-term plan and a long-term plan for changing therapists – I’ve started implementing it and I feel good about it! Also completely exhausted.

      I saw my general practitioner Friday for my annual – doctor’s visits can trigger my PTSD and I’m really proud of how well the visit went and how grounded and present I was. And also completely exhausted.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Struggling with getting back on track with meditation–I’ve been avoiding regular sits and it’s taken me some time to figure out why. Yesterday we were talking about religion after dharma group and it occurred to me that I had been feeling wary of trading one regimented system for another (i.e. Catholicism for a Buddhist practice).

      But I also realized that thinking of it that way is part of the problem. The reason I started doing it in the first place was to deal with anxiety. In interpersonal situations, mine tends to present first as fight (anger) rather than flight (panic). If it’s not an interpersonal situation, then I default to avoidance and nothing gets done. If I’m not doing it, I WILL have anxiety attacks–and indeed had one, with detrimental results, this week.

      I can think about it the way I do with regular exercise–it’s for my health, not to satisfy any arbitrary standards someone else has set for me (or that I’ve imagined they have). I want to be healthy, so that’s good motivation.

      I got ambitious and signed up for a day-long retreat next Sunday so I better be sitting some this week. Oyyy. No pressure, though!

      1. cleo*

        Do you know about MBSR – mindfulness based stress reduction? It’s secular mindfulness and meditation- with an emphasis on the health benefits of practice. Howard Zinn developed it and has several books about it.

  4. Nervous Accountant*

    Someone was asking I report back this week. I feel a little better, not as “swollen”. Although to be fair I don’t know the diff between feeling swollen and feeling fat. Even at my “skinniest” ive never not felt fat. But this was different.

    Anyway been getting daily leg and foot massages which helped a lot but I still get a backache from standing too long and calf pain from walking. Watching my diet keeping low carbs and very little sweets. #s fairly good these past 2 weeks.

    Someone asked about labs-I had blood work done last week, I think he only did lipids & A1c. I didn’t ask about the results yet. EKG was done in April-normal. Chest x rays done in the ER in February (thought I punctured a rib) and were normal.

    I asked PCP several times if I’m at risk right now he said as long as I follow closely w him and the endo I should be fine.

    1. nep*

      Thanks for the update. I don’t recall whether in the last thread Vitamin D came up. Did the doctor include that in the blood test? Not to put everything down to a vitamin or mineral deficiency — but Vit D level is a good one to know.
      Good on ya for making those changes and improving your numbers. Wishing you all the best.

      1. Nervous accountant*

        I don’t think it came up… I was prescribed vitamin d for a while but eventually stopped. I’ll ask the pcp about it though.

        No more crushing chest feeling. Ether I dropped a few lbs or I got used to it. Hoping it’s NOT the latter.

        I’ve had my thyroid checked out st least 3-4 times over the last few years and every time it comes back normal but I’m wondering if I should push back w the Drs about that.

        I had a few meals w heavy carbs but more like….3 out of 15 were? I think that’s good? I think what helps is NEVER BEING ALONE…I realize that I always lose weight on vacation bc my husband watches me like a hawk.

        My endo prescribed trulicity to help w the #s and she said weight loss is common. I’ll start that when I go home.

        1. nep*

          Good the crushing chest sensation is gone — that’s got to be so stressful. (Speaking of stress, I’m sure that will make everything worse–and it sounds like you are under a lot of stress–so that is something to think about. I reckon you already are considering that.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Calf pain may indicate that you could use some potassium. Back ache from walking might be helped by shoe inserts with arch support. This in turn might help your calves also. You may need to make sure you have a practical walking shoe on when you do a lot of walking. I had to start with practical shoes before age 30.I mourned not being able to wear the cute things other women were wearing. But it was not worth the pain I would go through.

  5. Nervous Accountant*

    How do I explain how I’m feeling.

    I feel homesick for a place that’ll never come back. I feel homesick for my father and the love he had for me. Since that day I knew that there was one less person in the world who loved me but it never really hit me til now.

    I feel really guilty for saying this. But My mom has always been pretty mean and emotionally unstable. My dad was there to take care of her. Now he’s not and it all falls on me to take care of her.

    Everyone’s telling me to stay strong for her and take care of her. I have no idea how to when I can barely handle myself.

    I know she’s been through a lot but her core personality is still the same….very critical and just difficult. I’m not the only one, my relatives who have been staying w her say the same thing. We had a fight a few days ago bc she said my stomach and face were getting fatter and thinks drinking cold water is the cause of all my problems and wanted me to change or stop taking my insulin altogether bc it’s causing weight gain. I told her I’m doing the best I can and constantly pointing out I’m fat isn’t helpful.

    My husband says to let it roll off my back—I know I’m doing what I can and just be bulletproof. Idk how to be bulletproof.

    1. Screenwriter*

      Your husband is half right–yes, let it roll off your back–but the other half is you don’t have to put up with abuse and craziness. You have the right to limit your time with her–and you don’t actually have to “take care of her.” If you can, hire someone to look in on her some of the time, if money’s tight, most cities and counties have social services that offer eldercare. She’ll resist–one trick is to start with someone she likes, and have them come around to cook dinner with her, or something like that, then extend their hours, then add someone else, etc etc. You do NOT have to be a full-time caretaker, especially not of an abusive parent. (Ask me how I know all this!) Allow yourself some respite, and see her as much as you can. If it’s hard to separate (believe me, I know), remember that if you exhaust yourself and burn out, you will actually NOT be able to help her in ways that matter to you as a daughter. You get to set boundaries and limits, and as I’m saying, you really need to, for yourself to remain functional. Decide what you want to do–outsource the rest; decide on your boundaries, and stick to them. I know you want to take care of and help your Mom, and that’s fine. But you don’t have to take abuse.
      Above all, don’t engage with her insanity. Just nod and say “sure, Mom,” and move on. It’s so hard when it’s your own Mom, and you’re missing your Dad, but you are a separate person, and you do get to take care of yourself, and you MUST take care of yourself. Remember that thing everyone says “put your oxygen mask on before helping others.”

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        She’ll be living with me, and I’ll be out of the house 60 hours a week so hopefully that’ll give us the space we need. She can do household work. I know she’ll be wanting company but oh my god i t is so hard to talk to her and to get her to understand anything. Sometimes she’s good but when she’s bad it’s really bad.

        1. Knotty Ferret*

          Try to keep interactions to mutual interests and things that are relatively inconsequential. I have spent so many hours discussing funny pet antics with my parents so I could avoid being the therapist in their divorce.
          Movie dates, if you can more or less agree on a genre, are great because you can say you’re trying to watch the movie when she says something mean.

        2. Bea*

          Omg I’m sorry. You should seek counseling as well and be prepared to handle the strain this can put on your marriage to have an abusive person live with you.

          I have an ex who is an ex due to their relationship with their mother who they couldn’t stop caring for. It’s crippled both of them.

          I could never do it, I’m fully on the side of putting someone in a home and cutting off contact. What a nightmare.

        3. neverjaunty*

          You don’t have to get her to understand things, though? She is who she chooses to be. You can’t make her understand if she doesn’t want to.

          1. Nervous accountant*

            Well some of the things I try to get her to understand—

            -Stop being mean to her relatives who have been with her through thick and thin. Some of them took time away from their work and came to live with her for days/weeks. Some have been staying for months.

            -Stop relying so much on this one particular family. The guy used to work for my dad and he’s OK but I can’t stand his wife and son, the wife comes over for hours and hours and leaves my mom in tears and the son is either an idiot or trying to scam her and she refuses to listen to ANYONE.

            Whenever I try to explain, she says “yeah I’m the worst person in the world I’m dumb and stupid and I am not going to listen”.

            1. The Winter Rose*

              You can’t make her understand. It’s not going to happen. Is it worth the stress to keep trying?

        4. Circus peanuts*

          My mother does that to me every once in a while but not as badly as yours does. I was able to stem it one day by asking her if she wanted me to find things to criticize about her. She still does it but not as much. Good luck.

          1. Nervous accountant*

            We always lived together, my parents just split their time between me my brother in other state and their home country. I can’t leave her alone here much longer.

            I feel super awful for getting angry w her. She says mean things but I have to remind myself that she’s old, she’s not going to change; I have way more independence and resources at my fingertips to be better than she does.

            I really hope being out of the house 60 hrs a week (work + commute) will help.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Please keep in mind that some times us adult kids are not the people who are appropriate to help our parents in their last years. The parent won’t listen, or the parent argues, etc. When the parent cuts us off from helping them, it is time to make a change. You do not have to help a person who will not allow you to help them. Matter of fact, it is not fair to the person that they stay with us. They need to be with people they will allow to help them.
              You may be fine here. Things might go okay or you make it all work somehow. You can do routine re-evaluations of the arrangement as you go along.

              1. only acting normal*

                This.
                My grandmother had Alzheimers, and she would not let my mother (her daughter) help her at all without a massive fight / guilt trip (despite my mother officially being her carer). Yet she was sweetness itself to the staff in the care home where she ended up. (She fought tooth and nail against going there, but was perfectly happy within a couple of days – couldn’t remember being anywhere else).
                There’s something about the parent-child dynamic that the parent cannot accept the turn around in power (even if use of that power is very benign and loving): they still see their adult child as a *child*, and because they’re the parent they will *always* know “better”.
                My mother swears blind she will not be the same way for me/my brother… but essentially she already is (even if she doesn’t need our care yet).

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  It takes a massive effort to break the cycle.
                  I have a friend who says, “I am taking notes and I am going to do this to my children.” I have to wonder WHY.

      2. kms1025*

        This will sound awful, but try to have only a superficial relationship with your Mom. Don’t go deep. There’s danger in deep waters. I’m so sorry. Protect yourself and, by default, your marriage.

    2. Mananana*

      Uggghhhh…. that’s a lot to go through. First, I am sorry for the loss of your father. Jedi-hugs for you if you want them.

      I have a difficult relationship with my mom, too. She’s never been abusive, but she uses guilt to manipulate me and my 2 sisters. Thankfully she’s healthy and still able to live on her own (although I wish she’d move to a senior community for the socialization), but she drives us crazy. I’ve been applying Alison’s sentiment about jerk bosses to my mom: My mom’s a jerk and she’s not going to change. And it’s been oddly comforting. Because if I don’t have any expectations of having a conversation with mom that doesn’t include complaining, gossip, or guilt, then I’m not disappointed.

      Please make sure you take care of yourself through all this turmoil. Best of luck to you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Changing our expectations is so very helpful. And at the same time we can look around for people who ARE helpful and supportive. Sometimes a stranger or an acquaintance will do more to help us than a family member.

    3. Belle di Vedremo*

      “Homesick” is a great description, very apt.

      You have said that you “have to” have your mom live with you, and that she has been for a while. That may be culturally true, but isn’t factually true. You do have options. They come with a variety of consequences, yes, but so does having her live with you.

      Learning to be “bulletproof” against the people who built in the system is pretty hard on one’s own. Therapy can help. Talking with your husband about renegotiating ground rules at home is in order. Without your dad there, things will be different and your husband will need to help with giving you additional support and creating some space at home. (And I hope that she’ll be spending some time living with your brother, too.)

      Some people find “energy work” really helpful. If you’re interested in that, look for someone who wants you to be grounded and practical, who can talk with you about practical boundaries, and who is kind. Your insurance won’t cover it, but some sessions to learn a different set of tools might be worth it. If you’re interested and not finding someone to talk with in person, let me know in next weekend’s open thread and I can describe a thing or two to try on your own. If you’re not interested, that is of course fine too.

      Keep us posted.

  6. Buu*

    My housemates started packing at 7am this morning. They are moving out, so I’ll be rid of them next week. But am just staggered at how rude they are.

    1. AK*

      Congrats!!! I had a horrifically rude roommate years ago and it’s turned me off of them entirely for the near future, but I do remember the thrill when they finally moved out.

      Just make sure nothing of yours gets packed up. It was like a hostage negotiation trying to get back all the random things he decided must have been his during packing.

      1. Buu*

        yikes good point, I shall wander into the kitchen and make sure my steamer is safe. They actually apologise about the noise (!!!). I think they are supposed to have gone yesterday as there’s a house viewing today…XD

      2. Lillie Lane*

        I knew a woman once that had some kind of kleptomaniac for a roommate…she would steal random communal stuff like dishes and hide them in her closet. When they were moving out of the apartment, my friend was gone for a couple of hours transferring stuff to her new place and when she came back, her bed was gone. Disappeared. She asked the roommate what happened to her bed and the roommate flipped out, saying she wasn’t responsible for babysitting the bed! She never found out what the roommate did with it.

    2. Ciara Amberlie*

      Rude for packing at 7am? Or something else? Because getting an early start on moving day seems pretty normal.

      1. Caledonia*

        Yes, an early start is quite common. Earlier they start, the sooner they leave.

        1. Buu*

          Generally rude, but they said they were moving out yesterday so it’d have been nice to know I would have gone to bed earlier or stayed elsewhere!

          1. Caledonia*

            Equally, you could have asked them.

            I get it, you haven’t gotten on with them for whatever reason and easier to be angry/irritated with them but I actually think you could’ve asked them so…*shrug*

            1. Buu*

              I did they said they were moving Friday Afternoon when I was at work, their stuff from most of the common areas was packed Thursday but they weren’t about. I got back late Friday and they didn’t seem to be about so I didn’t think much of it. I then got woken at 7am by them packing stuff in the hall.

              I totally agree that communication is best though. We have some people viewing the property this evening so I’ll make sure any potential new housemates are on the same page.

              1. WellRed*

                Interview them like you’d interview a job applicant to ensure fit. As to your rude roommates, moving is a pain and always takes longer than you think. They’ll be gone soon.

                1. Buu*

                  Thanks for the advice, I was just venting a bit. I guess people all have their habits and it just didn’t occur to them to say anything.

  7. Sofie*

    Does anyone have travelling tips for going to Harzen? Must-see’s and so on? We are four people going in a campervan but one of us has to use a wheelchair when outside.
    So far we have decided on the Unicorn cave and the Carillon Bells in Goslar.
    We would be thankful for more ideas and especially places avaible for our wheelchair-user :)

    1. StellaBella*

      I just looked up this unicorn cave and it looks neat! No tips – but I follow a guy who lives in Saxony-Anhalt on instagram and it looks pretty – the whole area. I have been to Germany only a couple of times for weekend visits when I lived in Switzerland…enjoy the food and bring tick spray and where correct clothes to keep them off you if hiking – and check as Lyme’s is prevalent all over that part of the world. Found several ticks on my dog when I visited in June, and also a few ticks on a trip in September.

    2. The German Chick*

      Mobile connection ist bad around the Unicorn Cave, make sure not to split up your group. My friends and I got lost and it took us 3 hours to get back together :)
      I really like Heinrich Heine Wanderweg bin I don’t think it’s wheelchair accessible at all (may be partly?).

  8. Anxious anon*

    I did it! I had the surgeries with no panic attacks nor adrenaline rushes. Thank you to all for the tips, i.e. the ABC game, essential oils, breathing exercises, visualizations, Woebot, etc left on my posts and others. I’m in recovery now, it’s painful, but I’m on the other side. Have a great weekend everyone!

    1. nep*

      Thanks for the update. Congratulations on finding that strength within yourself to get through it. Wishing you a sound recovery.

    3. Case of the Mondays*

      Could you link back to where you received that advice? I could use it too. Thanks.

      1. It’s all good*

        I can’t figure out how to do this. If you know how please let me know.

        1. Case of the Mondays*

          I don’t know how people link to a specific comment but if you could just share the URL to the post it was discussed in I can search within it.

  9. Blueberry Sand*

    Does anyone have any experience with getting back together with their ex? How did you do it? Did it work it out or did you break up again?

    1. Thlayli*

      I had an on-off relationship with a guy once. It finally ended. Despite promises the problems were never solved.

    2. StellaBella*

      Yep. And it did not work out for me either, like Thayli says. Any sort of co-dependency on either person’s part should be examined (if it even exists, not saying it does). Also, why you broke up in the first place plays a big part on if it will work out in the future. Examine the whys and how you felt when you broke up and weigh a list of pros and cons.
      For me, this may be TMI, but I turned 49 recently. I am single and a woman, and am done dating. I like my life overall without the presence of another person – I have firends I can be social with and family I like too. I had a FWB visit over holidays and it confirmed this was the right choice for me. I have basic expectations for people I date to be able to interact with other friends (not be mopey and quiet), to fix things they break (toilet doo dad came off – it was a simple fix – if a man cannot do simple plumbing fixes then my life will not be improved by having them around). I plan to get a job, find a house to live in, and get a doggo soon.
      YMMV, but I’d be wary and go in with both eyes open to any sort of return-dating thing.

    3. Terry*

      Yes, I got back with an ex once. Looking back on it though, I think we got back together because we missed the familiarity of the relationship and we had both felt lonely on our own. We fell back into the familiar routine of things, but it wasn’t enough. We broke up for good a few months later.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Same thing here. Neither one of us had moved on, so a year later, we tried again, and it just didn’t work because nothing had changed. This was a person who was resistant to change overall, and I knew that, so what was I thinking.

    4. Jasper*

      It’s never worked out for me, and I don’t think I personally know anyone who it’s worked out for either. Generally speaking, people break up as the last step in problem-solving. If any other measures were going to work, they likely would have already.

    5. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I wouldn’t recommend it. In my case, we broke up for good reasons and got back together mostly out of a sense of loneliness and a desire to skip past the early dating phase right into the comfortable relationship phase. I do actually know one person who got back together with their ex, and they seem pretty happy now, so…YMMV?

    6. annakarina1*

      My ex and I tried to get back together six months after our breakup, but the love was gone, I just didn’t feel that way about him anymore. He had broken up with me, then reached out to me much later. Now we are really good friends, but that took time to develop.

    7. Iza*

      I did! We dated on and off in college and broke up for, what I thought was for good. He reached out to me about a year after our break-up and we started things slowly and now, 5 years later, we’re married. I think for us, we needed the time to grow up a little separately since we were still so young when the breakups happened.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I think this is a situation where it could work — when the timing isn’t right. But apart from that…

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have a similar story of a friend. They were a middle aged couple with adult children. They separated but never divorced. She was spittin’ nails angry with him. I never got the details but I assumed this was so very DONE. It was EIGHT years later they got back together and they stayed together as far as I know. Just my opinion but if couples find each other again it seems to be a long interval of time in between. It’s as if they have to go have life experiences, think about what they want in life and so on.

    8. nep*

      It didn’t work out.
      It depends on what stage the two people are post-breakup, and what each person’s reasons are for wanting to get back together.
      In my experience (and others have touched on this) there are few things stronger than that sense and desire to grab back what you were attached to in a broken relationship, especially if it’s a fairly recent breakup. It can blind us to anything else and lead us to avoidance and believing in easy fixes.
      All that said–every situation is different and outcomes will be too.

    9. Totally Minnie*

      I’ve never tried it, but I know people who have. I think the key is to really think about why the relationship ended in the first place, and whether or not things have changed enough. If nothing’s really changed since the breakup, it’s not likely that a reconciliation will last. But if you’ve both had some time to grow and change, then it might work out.

      1. Future Analyst*

        This. Knowing why it ended, and whether or not that has changed makes a huge difference.

    10. hermit crab*

      I got back together with an ex and now we have been married for a couple of years! But we have known each other for a long time and our story is something like: three years friends, one year dating, three years exes/friends (the kind with standing coffee dates where we talk about our respective relationship woes), three years back together, then we got married. We broke up originally for relatively fixable reasons (untreated mental health issues, uncertainty about future goals, geographical distance, general immaturity) that we each resolved during our time “off” or just that resolved themselves over time. So it can certainly work, but I recognize that we might be the exception that proves the rule.

    11. Ceiswyn*

      Done it more than once. Broke up again each time.

      In retrospect, the reasons we got back together were variations on:
      – Avoiding having to go through the pain of grieving the broken relationship
      – Thinking of being single as ‘failing’
      – Believing that surely the fates/gods wouldn’t let love happen unless the relationship could work
      – Stockholm syndrome
      – Being so depressed or emotionally abused that I genuinely believed my bf was a saint for wanting someone like me and nobody else ever would
      – Missing the sex and drama

      None of these are good reasons for getting back together.

    12. ainomiaka*

      I also got back together with an ex. It was a few years after we broke up. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 7. I have two friends in similar set ups.
      I think that the time gap was a big part of it. Everyone here has already mentioned about really thinking about why you broke up and what has changed about those situations. In our case we were just figuring out how to order our own adult lives, and coming back together after we had worked that out was notably different. We were different people of necessity.
      I also remember reading-though can’t site-that breaking up more than once dramatically changes the odds that you will stay together long term. Once to let you figure out if that thing you thought was important really is can be clarifying, beyond that you’re just denying incompatibility.

    13. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Yep. Got married to him. Was married for over a decade before realising he was emotionally abusive. YMMV!!

    14. Short fuse*

      My aunt and uncle divorced and remarried each other a few years later. That was probably 25 years ago and they are one of the happiest couples I know. Their oldest daughter actually went through the same situation with her husband. They are very happy as well. I think it’s kind of rare, but it could be great!

    15. Sue Donym*

      Most of my relationships ended up being on again, off again. Apparently I don’t learn from experience, but I would say all except one weren’t serious (as in, headed for marriage) anyway, so it was all about familiarity and drama.

      The one that was potentially headed for marriage, we tried again after being apart for over a year but still close (ambiguously close). The main issue was, I felt that he prioritized being secure and married over being with me as a person. That hadn’t changed. Fortunately, he fell in love with someone else and married her and they’re still together almost 20 years later.

    16. Little Paws*

      Add me to the list of people who got back together and ended up splitting up again. I was in an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship. I didn’t realize it at the time that I was in it. I’m one of those people who hates giving up and hates failure. I always told myself that I needed to get through the “rough patches” and that the relationship would become happy & healthy again at some point. I was wrong.

      Breaking up is painful. Beyond painful. For me it was like grieving the loss of a deceased loved one. The grief and the pain is unbearable at times. But, I have this motto: I’d rather be alone and content (notice I said content, and not outright happy) as opposed to being with someone and being miserable and having my self worth/self esteem chipped away over time.

      You are more than your relationship!

      You existed and lived and thrived and lived an entire life before this guy. You will still wake up, exist, breathe, live and thrive after him!

      Hugs and best wishes to you!

    17. The Original K.*

      Yes. It ultimately didn’t work out. I have a friend who broke up with the same guy at least three times, always for the same reason (at the core, they were fundamentally incompatible when it came to communication, and their breakups were always due to some communication mishap), until he finally called it quits for good, correctly citing incompatibility.

      I have a high school classmate whose parents split fairly messily (his father had an affair with a much-younger colleague and it damaged his relationship with my classmate and his brother) but they ultimately reconciled and are together now. The father was able to repair the relationships with his sons (grandkids helped). It took years though.

    18. Camille*

      I think it depends on why you broke up – if the reasons you broke up are resolved, then I think it can make sense to try again.
      E.g., you broke up because one of you wanted kids and the other didn’t, and now minds have been changed (of course make sure it’s really changed and not just changed to get back together!)
      Or, you broke up because of long distance, and now you’re closer together.

      I think if the break up was for less concrete reasons and more general “I don’t feel like being with this person anymore/being together no longer brings me joy” then I don’t know how good an idea it is to get back together. But you have to make the choice for yourself!

  10. Language Student*

    Eurovision! Who’s watching tonight? Have you been following the semifinals?

    I never watch the semis, but I’m having a few friends round to watch tonight. I can’t wait!

    1. Buu*

      Yes.. I Skype with friends across Europe to watch. I avoid seeing the acts beforehand.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We may be – Other Half (who a few years ago did a well-reviewed Tableau presentation on historical Eurovision results) is traveling on business and probably won’t be able to watch, which is crushing for him as a Swede. The Swedish Eurovision selection process (Melodifestivalen, or Melo) is HARDCORE – they really get down with that stuff, and its probably no surprise that a lot of song writers, producers, arrangers, stage and lighting designers for this type of Eurocheese come out of Sweden. Besides, what else are you going to do on a February evening other than watch the regional selection rounds?

      Most years past we would fire up the Swedish TV feed and watch the contest with Swedish commentary but with him gone this year I may just skip it or check in on the online updates. Its a bummer its this weekend as he is going home next weekend to see family!

    4. Almost Violet Miller*

      I used to love it! To the point I did research on it in grad school.
      Since they changed the voting I don’t follow it because for me the fun part was seeing the patterns. Now it’s the jury votes they display and just add the viewers’ votes en masse.
      I’m nostalgic about all the viewing parties we had.

      1. Kali*

        I like the new system. It’s like Dumbledore comes in at the last minute and shouts “120 points to Ireland!”.

        At the very least, it’s more exciting than being abe to call the winner from halfway through, like when Emilie de Forest won and they announced it before they even had all the votes.

    5. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      If I can get a stream somewhere I will be watching! I never watch the semis, I like to be surprised by whatever weird act is going on on stage. And if there’s 249376529 ballads I’d REALLY rather not know beforehand since it would kill my motivation.

      1. ainomiaka*

        there is one! A friend here does a giant group watch and streams. I will have to ask where he gets it.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Ha, I know! I walked around all evening randomly singing “I’M NOT YOUR TOY, YOU STUPID BOY” and laughing.

        She’s getting some flack about cultural appropriation re her costume and props. I remember thinking they looked anime / kawaii, and it kind of fit since the song was very J-pop.

    8. Circus peanuts*

      I don’t watch but I did see a funny Facebook post urging people to vote for Britain regardless of their performance so that the next year they will have to celebrate European unity just after Brexit.

    10. Pam*

      Have you seen Catherynne Valente’s new book, Space Opera? To join the intergalactic community, we have to survive their Eurovision.

    11. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I hustled my ass to Logo as soon as I realized it was Grand Final time, only to see Logo’s live stream melt down on me. Anyone else having issues?

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        I had YouTube up on my cell going home and it was on song four while song five was playing on the YouTube up on my Roku when I got home. But I was using data on the way home so maybe that’s why.
        Oh, man, they are all so good! But Portugal was the best by far!

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          I panicked for a second, and then realized Logo was also streaming on YouTube – it’s like they knew that their website would defecate itself! Saved me from having to track down a sketchy VPN service.

          I might have started screaming when they announced the televote. But it seems like…this year, they backloaded the most popular acts. Looking back at my running commentary (thanks to my internet friends for not booting me out of the group chat and putting up with my broke-ass commentary), I was generally more favorable to the later acts. Five of my personal top ten (Israel, Moldova, Hungary, Finland, and Ireland) were in the last group of 10 acts, and Cyprus and Italy were the last two. (I wasn’t that favorable to Cyprus because her costume looked like something Beyonce would have been forced to wear by her mom when she was in Destiny’s Child, and I thought Italy would be…divisive, so I withheld judgment.) But the big jury acts were mostly in the middle – Germany and Austria were in the middle set, I believe.

          I’m also…kind of surprised the UK didn’t get more sympathy points! At first I thought the jury vote was a little on the low end based off of what happened, but if I remember correctly the jury votes are actually based off of the dress rehearsal the day before. The song itself wasn’t eye-catching to me and I’m a little dismissive towards the UK (after the two years they sent Englebert Humperdinck and Bonnie Tyler – wait, were those consecutive or was there a year between?), so I turned away from the live stream for a bit. Lesson learned.

          I…have a really odd passion for Eurovision as an American, I’ll admit. (I’m the kind of rando who stans Moldova’s entries because it seems like every year they send insanity.)

    12. Kali*

      If it doesn’t open with a vampire playing an on-fire piano, and end with sobbing “why don’t they love us?!” into a cocktail as UK gets the nul points from all of Europe yet again, is it even Eurovision?

  11. Yumiko*

    I have a terrible habit of eavesdropping. I don’t set out to do it, but if I’m in a public place (e.g. a cafe) and I catch a snippet of conversation that sounded interesting I can’t help but stop to listen to the rest. No idea why the compulsion to do that since I don’t know these people!

    (I don’t do it when I’m with someone though, that’d be even more rude.)

      1. StellaBella*

        No idea – but I have had to learn to be able to tune people out – since I literally can be in a room with many people talking and can tune into several conversations at one and the input is crazy!

      2. Thlayli*

        I think a bigger question is why do you feel the need to stop? Lots of people “people-watch” or listen to parts of conversations and imagine fanciful scenarios explaining them, just as an amusing way to pass the time. So long as you’re not actually jumping into conversations, you’re unobtrusive (not Reacting) and you remember that you’re only hearing a tiny bit of the conversation and don’t jump to conslusions, I think most people probably wouldn’t mind. If they do… well maybe they shouldn’t be having super private conversations in a public place.

        1. Eric Armstrong*

          You should spend time in cafes where the clientele predominantly speaks another language you don’t speak! When traveling last year in Japan, it struck me just how odd it was, being in my English-only bubble, completely incapable of listening in! Pop in some ear buds and turn up your podcast of choice, and listen in to some people who WANT you to!

        2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

          I was going to say the same thing! I feel like low-key spying on strangers is one of the great joys of life.

          1. PX*

            This. When I used to commute, bus/train conversations were a great thing! I really remember one where a girl was discussing with her friend whether to go to far away country for her internship which she really wanted to do but her boyfriend didnt. The urge to jump in on that one (DO IT! You’re young, do the adventure things now while you still can!) was strong :D

        3. Marathon Girl*

          I agree with Thlayli, I eavesdrop, but not like moving so I can hear or something! Just if I’m sat on a seat on a bus or train and I happen to be able to hear someone why not? I am one of those who enjoy “people-watching”, something about hearing/seeing someone elses small snippets of their life or where they are off too just makes me feel more grounded and connected to the world/those around me? Maybe a bit deep haha but (depending on the conversation) it can put a smile on my face sometimes!

        4. ainomiaka*

          agreed. I mean, no, you shouldn’t be obvious about it, but I don’t think that there is a need to never hear anyone.

        5. Mallory Janis Ian*

          One of my funniest moments with my sister happened when I was eavesdropping on people at the table behind us and assumed that she was, too. The person was talking about getting a big-toe cramp in the middle of the night and how their toe would go up (“woooop!”) when that happened. I said to my sister, “Oh, that happens to me, too! I’ll be lying in bed, and ‘woooop!’ [with accompanying, illustrative finger gesture of a rising big toe].” Well, reader, she had NOT been eavesdropping, as I had assumed, and she did NOT think I was referring to a big toe!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Are you living life through other people’s lives? Maybe fill up your own days more.
        You could go out to eat less also or bring a book.

    2. nep*

      I don’t see it as rude if there is a conversation going on that is easily overhead–you’re just…hearing.
      The writer in me loves hearing interesting snippets and thinking of a story around them.

  12. StellaBella*

    Can people share with me the fun games and toys they have to interact with their kitties? I have the feather toys, long, thick strings (like from sweat pants), ping pong balls, scratching posts all over, a climbing tree, and places for her to sit in the house to watch birds at bird feeders. I just worry that she may need more interaction. So – looking for recommendations for toys and games for kitties. :)

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      There is this stupidly easy toy – the Cat Dancer – that I wish I had come up with. Seriously – its a piece of wire with some cardboard at the end, but it waves around a bunch when you hold it at one end so its more stimulating than a piece of string. Our kitties love them – they are usually less than $5 and I buy multiples because sometimes they can sell out!

      We also have the turbo tube thing – the circular track with a ball in it that they whip around with their paw, and a scratching board in the middle. There are different variations where they have to poke a ball through the tube but depends on what your kitty prefers!

      2. Onnellinen*

        Yes to the Cat Dancer! I used to scoff at it at the pet store, then it turned out my kitty loves it!

      3. teclatrans*

        Cat dancer is the best!! It jumps around so wonderfully.

        My kitten loooved the tube too. I was so sad he lost interest in it when he outgrew kittenhood. *sniff*

      4. DrWombat*

        The small little fluffy mice with something that rattles inside are great – you can toss them, or spray catnip on them and hide them. Also there are some little laser pointer towers you can get that basically move the laser pointer around for the cat to chase even if you aren’t around (assuming the cat doesn’t figure out the source of the dot and then just tackle the tower, which I have seen happen)

    2. Knotty Ferret*

      A couple games I play with cats:
      If your cat is still pretty young, you can probably train her to play with your hands without leaving you a bloody mess. If she uses claws, speak sternly and stop playing.
      A lot of the cats I’ve had love the game where a finger pokes over the edge of the cat tree, couch, whatever they are laying on, disappears, comes back to creep closer, disappears, comes back to poke them… Eventually they start smacking the finger, and you try to poke them and pull away before getting smacked.

      If she’s still too rough for that game, you can try the “there’s something under the rug” game. Slide your hand or a stick under the rug/blanket, and make the rug poke up a little in the middle. Move over a little, do it again. Eventually the cat plays whack-a- mole. Some cats are too aware it’s you and won’t get into this game, but I’ve had some who would sit beside the rug and stare at it until I started the game.

      1. TL -*

        With my kitty, I just screech really loudly like she’s hurt me if she uses claws or too much teeth and now she’s really careful with people – keeps her claws retracted when playing or jumping on them and is very careful about biting for play.

      2. tangerineRose*

        A lot of cat experts say to never let your kitten play with your hand – the kitty will get bigger and may be more likely to accidentaly hurt you. I think it probably depends on the kitty, but better safe than sorry.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      My cats mainly like empty cardboard boxes! The only legitimate cat toy they like is what we call “colored rope,” which is a transparent plastic stick that has a rainbow-colored thick string attached to it.

    4. SciDiver*

      My family cat has a massive box of toys, but the things she likes the best are the simplest–pipe cleaners, the Cat Dancer (it’s seriously great), and little fabric pom-poms you can get in craft stores. She’s an excellent hunter, so she really likes to have something soft or fuzzy she can bite into, chase, and then clean. And don’t underestimate the power of a good window spot for bird watching!

    5. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      My wife made our cats a fort out of two old Amazon boxes! She taped them on top of each other, and cut a cat sized hole in the bottom box, another hole in the middle where the boxes meet, and another on the top so they can get out. The holes aren’t directly under each other, so cat can sit or hide on multiple levels.

      Cheap blanket on top for sleeping perch, place by window. Whole setup cost $3 with a blanket on super sale and the cost of part of a roll of heavy duty tape.

    6. teclatrans*

      I am going to take a moment for a PSA re kittens and string/yarn/ribbons: don’t use these. You may know this or think it’s obvious, but I didn’t and I am not alone in my once-held ignorance.

      I once let my cat play a bit with sone yarn I was crocheting with because, hey, kitties love string, amiright? Turns out they will eat string, which requires an emergency vet visit and they may still die. (Mine was okay.) I was so shocked when my kitty just nommed a whole strand she got away from me. I had forgotten for a moment that we we’re playing a hunting game, and a successful hunt means eating.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        THIS – we had a friend whose kitty ate ANY kind of string and… oh yeah, emergency vet visit. As in they rushed the kitty into surgery at the specialist hospital immediately because the string was wound around the intestines. Kitty survived but it was a HUGE vet bill.

    7. VIT (Scotland)*

      Look into interactive/puzzle feeders! There are all sorts of varieties you can buy, but you can also make some simple ones at home – even just little cloth pouches with food inside (or catnip). It can help mimic natural hunting behaviour too, if it’s the kind they chase around the house.

    8. tangerineRose*

      Sometimes getting a second kitty around the same age is very helpful for the kitty.

    9. Kuododi*

      I have designed beaded jewelry for years. When kitties needed toys, one thing I did was take some mismatched large beads and strung them together with small bells and attached the whole thing to a good length of beading cord. I would then play “keep away” with the kitties using the creation. The bells ringing made the cats just flip out!!!!

    10. oldbiddy*

      My goofy cat really loves the plastic rings from milk jugs and other jars and the trackball scratcher. My serious hunter cat likes little toy mice/birds that squeak when they’re moved. I got them at Walmart. Both cats like the cat dancer and laser pointer.
      When they’re kittens they’re not picky, but once they reach a certain age they get weirdly picky and apart from those things listed above, it’s really hit or miss whether they like a toy or not.

      1. JeanB in NC*

        My cat LOVED those plastic rings from milk jugs! She’d chase them around, put one on her paw like a bracelet, lick her paw then fling it away and start chasing it again. She carried them around in her mouth too. I only ever gave her the closed ones – she’d chew on the open ones and I was afraid she’d eat them. Every time I moved I ended up picking up what seemed like dozens of those things!

    11. Rat in the Sugar*

      I know it’s Monday already but just in case you check back–bubbles!! I was so excited to find out how much my cats love bubbles, as it’s something I can use to exercise them while I sit on the couch. :) If you look at pet stores or Walmart you can find non-toxic catnip flavored bubbles (you need to get nontoxic because they will try to bite the bubbles and get it in their mouth).

    12. sooooo late to the party*

      Hi
      My cat loves her cat tunnel and charges it back and forth thru it like loon when she’s playing (got it from amazon).
      She also hides in it if she’s being a fraidy cat – cause her tail hanging out the back is so not a giveaway!

  13. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    We are (likely) headed to Antigua in a few weeks for vacation after a really intense 6 months of work for both of us. This is a last minute choice based on where I could find availability using airline miles, and what was important to us (beach time, ocean views and breezes, time to reconnect with each other away from family, visiting new locales this year).

    Neither of us has been to the Caribbean before so while at first it seemed like Another Thing To Deal With, we are getting pretty excited about this now. I am assuming that food costs will be somewhat higher (we are doing air bnb and not an all-inclusive megaresort), but is there anything else we should prepare for? Be aware about in general, either for this island or the region as a whole? Is car rental a necessity? Any recommendations welcome!

    1. WellRed*

      I don’t know where you live, but I am an east coaster who was shocked by how slow island time was compared to what I was used to. Think, 2 hours for pizza delivery. This was in Aruba.

    2. OlympiasEpiriot*

      I’ve never been to Antigua, but, it is tiny and I’d assume bicycles would be the way to go or walking if in a town. Also, my best Caribbean meals have been from shacks by the side of a road.

      Have you looked at The Rough Guide site? When I go somewhere new to me, I check out what they have to say. Been relying on them since the days you had to buy a book.

  14. Terry*

    Any advice on family who give much pricier gifts than I can afford to give them in return? My sisters and their partners make quite a bit more money than I do (double or possibly triple my family’s income). When holidays come around, they always have much pricier gifts or more gifts for me and my children than I could possibly afford to give them and their children. I appreciate the gifts, but then feel terrible about what I’ve gotten for them and their kids in return. I feel like it’s not good enough or they might think I’m cheap or I wonder if they will ever feel resentful. Mother’s Day is coming up tomorrow and I have a simple gift for the mothers in my family, but I’m preparing myself to have my sisters completely out do what I’ve been able to do. I don’t know how to approach this or feel better about it. A similar thing happens when we plan family vacations or get togethers. They will select a very pricy location or rental home which simply is not in my budget, I’ll have to say we won’t be able to attend because we just don’t have that money, they pressure me, and then are willing to accept me paying less for the vacation than they are so that my family can still come. They’ve always been generous about that and never made a single comment to me that would make me feel badly… but I still feel badly. Ideas to navigate this?

    1. Thlayli*

      Have you spoken to them about it? Look at it from their perspective. Imagine you won the lotto and suddenly had significantly more money than them. They’re your family. You love them. Wouldn’t you want to treat them? To bring them nice places, buy them and their kids nice things? Of course you would!

      Would you be angry with them for not having as much money and not being able to pay their full share? Of course you wouldn’t!

      I guarantee you they are not angry with you or looking down on you for not being able to pay as much as them. I guarantee they just want to give you and your family stuff and subsidise your trips because they love you and they want to spend time with you.

      It’s not like you have lots of money and are jut wasting it and mooching off them – they genuinely have more and want to share because they love you.

      If it really bothers you you need to talk to them. Tell them you want to go on cheaper trips so you can feel like you have paid your fair share. Tell them you want them to give you and your kids cheaper presents for the same reason. Agree budgets with them for gifts and trips. We have price limits for gifts in our family. It’s a normal thing to do.

      1. Nacho*

        What if they don’t want to go on cheaper trips? I’d be more than willing to pay for my kid brother to stay at a nice villa with me if it meant I wouldn’t have to stay in a shitty hotel with him just because he can’t afford anything better.

        1. WellRed*

          Less expensive doesn’t have to mean shitty. Don’t make people feel even worse about not having $.

          1. Nacho*

            It kind of does though. You can’t deny that there’s a correlation between how much you spend on a hotel and how good it is, or that the more popular tourist destinations are also more expensive because they’re so popular.

            1. The Winter Rose*

              Less good doesn’t mean shitty. There are plenty of affordable places that are perfectly lovely. Many expensive places are over-priced anyway, due to extraneous factors.

            2. Gaia*

              I mean there is a wide range between an exclusive villa for $2k a night and a Motel 6. And many in the middle are actually quite pleasant.

              Also I’ve stayed at some very expensive places that were, to my mind, quite shitty. So no, it isn’t a direct correlation.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I agree about talking with them. They may be fine with paying extra so you can go along, they might want to switch between cheaper vacations and more expensive ones, maybe they’d be OK with cheaper gifts.

        In my family, we mostly have a rule about no birthday/Christmas gifts for adults, which is a huge stress relief for me.

    2. Miss Elaine e.*

      I understand where you are coming from. I’ve been there, done that. I wonder if instead of going by price, there’s an item you can give that is uniquely from you. For instance, if you have a shared love of a particular movie or book, give that (or a trinket related to that).
      I also have a gift-giving difficulty — similar but not identical: What to give my clearly failing mother-in law tomorrow for Mother’s Day? She hardly needs more stuff so I’m making a couple of batches of a recipe that I know she loves but rarely makes because she is the only one who likes it and she does not have the strength to cook much anymore. It’s inexpensive, but I know she will appreciate it.

      2. DrWombat*

        This! I am just out of grad school, whereas my older brother is 10 years older than I am and well out of grad school, so he understands the financial situation involved. I tend to give him and my SIL books that I really enjoyed that year/that I think they’d enjoy and then we discuss them, and that seems to have worked out well so far, or I get stuff that plays on our shared love of things like Star Wars (without ANY coordination, our christmas presents to each other last year were all Star Wars themed, haha).

    3. Anona*

      Can you consider suggesting a change in the way gifts are done? A few years ago we switched to doing a swap, where everyone brings a wrapped gift of a presey value (usually no more than $20), and we do that game where you choose a gift and people can steal. It’s really fun, and gets people out of buying a ton of gifts. It took so couple of years for us to come up with a good format, but now it’s more routine.

      Or you could consider something where you’re exchanging names in advance and only buying for 1 person or family.

      Also, can you talk to them about how you feel? It’s awkward, but it may be a situation where they already realize the income disparity and on there end still just want to get you the gifts that they do, even though they know you can’t reciprocate.

      Also seconding the other comment about giving personalized gifts. Some of my favorite gifts from my aunt growing up were themed gifts. On year she got me a cool bowl for salads and wrote some recipe cards with cool salads on it, and then got me a few special ingredients to make the dressings (like champagne vinegar). Another year she got me a relaxation themed gift with nice bath salts, a loofah, and a cozy towel.

      1. Lindsay J*

        This is what my family has done now that the kids are almost all older.

        The under 21s get their own gifts.

        Everyone 21 and up participates in a swap. You buy one gift/gift basket – our limit was $50 – everyone puts their wrapped gifts on the table.

        All names go into a hat.

        A name gets drawn. First person selects a gift from the table and opens it.

        Second name get drawn. They either steal the opened gift the first person has or select a new gift.

        If they steal, the first person then gets to open a new gift.

        And so on. You can steal from anyone. They can’t steal the item back from you directly.

        At the end if everyone isn’t happy they can trade or swap however they agree to it.

        As long as your family aren’t jerks, everyone can get something decent. You don’t have to buy a ton of gifts, and you don’t have to deal with bringing home a ton of gifts.

        __

        For my gift in the swap this year I took home a brownie pan, a Star Wars measuring cup set that looked like R2D2, and a couple Star Wars spatula.

        My little brother got a USB turn table.

        My mom got a Vitamix blender.

        My boyfriend got a Kindle.

        A cousin got a little wristlet with a convenience store gift card.

        An aunt got a waterproof USB speaker.

        My Dad got a couple Yeti tumblers I think.

        Someone else got a set of beer glasses for different types of craft beers.

        Everyone was goodnatured about trading/stealing. Like, if someone who was a known non-drinker had gotten the beer glasses, someone who could use them would have stolen them.

        I actually chose not to steal the brownie pan set from my little brother because it seemed perfect for him, but it turned out he actually really wanted the USB turn table so I traded for it later.

        The only problem the family had was deciding when to transition over. Since I’m the oldest in that generation, I had gotten a few more years of individual gifts than everyone else did. (Though not really that many as I had moved out of state and hadn’t attended Christmas for years.) It was ultimately decided that the difference between a couple years of individual gifts here and there was just something that was going to have happened and that it shouldn’t be a big deal.

        And 21 was chosen as the cutoff so the exchange gifts could be alcohol related/containing and have it not be weird.

        _

        However, prior to that, when everyone got individual gifts, we all understood that everyone had different budgets and that was okay.

        Like, one set of aunts and uncles would get everyone something worth like $100 each.
        The other set of aunts and uncles would get everyone something worth like $15 each.
        My parents were in between the two.

        We understood that it wasn’t that the aunt and uncle with the $15 gifts loved us less, it’s that they were in a different financial position that the ones buying the $100 each gifts. There didn’t seem to be any sort of weirdness between the adults, either.

    4. ..Kat..*

      It sounds to me as if you are overdoing it. Gifts for all the mothers in your family? Get a gift for YOUR mother. Spouse gets a gift for their mother. Even if your sisters are mothers, they are not your mother. Every female in your family who has spawned does not need a gift from you.

      Just say no to vacations you can’t afford. No explanation necessary. You are letting your family decide your vacation budget. And, you are letting them decide how to spend your money.

      1. Natalie*

        I don’t think that’s the case, Terry says “[they] are willing to accept me paying less for the vacation than they are so that my family can still come.” It doesn’t sound like anyone expects Terry to do anything they can’t afford.

    5. Temperance*

      They love you and want you there! It’s honestly okay. I love buying nice things for my sister and her kids, because I have disposable income and I love them. I never bean count, because I know that my sister getting me a $10 gift (or whatever) that my niece picks out is actually really special. Nothing is better than seeing the pride in her little face when she hands me the gift. NOTHING.

      I’m sure it feels awkward, but they are happy to include you.

    6. WellRed*

      I doubt they care that you can’t spend as much. Also, have you thought about diali ng back on the gift giving ocassions? That’s very common as people get older and buying, say, gifts for all the moms in your family seems excessive.

    7. It’s all good*

      Unfortunately not now but years ago we were able to pay for my extended family, including my mom, to go on a Disney vacation a few times. I never thought twice about the finance part of it, just happy that there was a weekend we could all get together. The memories are priceless and since we have a few more kids now I’m hoping we can do it again in the future. – is there something small your sister can use? I was always losing makeup cases so my sister gave me a Mickey Mouse one at the start of the trip and I still have it! – also a nice gift my other sister would give was to take the time to get a really nice family picture then she would frame it and give it to us as a thank you gift. Another priceless gift!

    8. Nacho*

      Gift giving is as much about the giver as the receiver. If you’re making 2-3 times as much as your kid brother, you spend more on their gifts than you expect from them. Otherwise you feel like a cheap asshole who’s vindictively spending way less than you can afford on something that’s supposed to show how much you love them, just because you know you won’t get something of the same quality back, as if it were supposed to be a fair trade instead of a symbol of your affection. I spent $50-60 on all my Christmas presents when my little brother spent more like $20 because the thought of spending less made me feel like an unappreciative tool.

      Regarding vacations, they probably feel it’s worth the extra money to have you along and go someplace nice. They could go someplace cheaper that you could pay your fair share of, but then they’d have to go someplace cheaper and lower quality. Or they could go without you, but see above about going on a family vacation without your kid brother because you’re a cheap asshole.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I had a similar set up. We shopped tent sales and going out of business sales for new items at low prices. We’d hit deals where we could get $20 for $2, etc. We did the bulk of our shopping in the summer when there were more drastic markdowns and it was easier to get out and get to the sales. I remember coming home from one tent sale with $1000 worth of stuff for $250. In an odd turn around they thought we were the crazy spenders.

      Eventually, the gifting thing got tired. We all had too much crap. And we spent too much time shifting it around or donating it. In light of this, we said we wanted just one item per couple. We said, “We have stuff. We really don’t need a ton more stuff.” That seemed to help also.

    10. ladyb*

      Perhaps it might help to frame the amount spent in terms of percentage of income rather than total spent. I’d argue that someone who spends 10% of their income is more generous than someone spending 1%, even if the amount spent is the same.

  15. Kuododi*

    DH is processing today to receive his second Master’s degree. This one is in Bioethics with an emphasis in healthcare issues!!! I am so proud of him!!!!

    1. Miss Elaine e.*

      Congrats to him! That’s a long, hard, stressful process! Bravo!

      And kudos to you for helping him to make it happen. (Surely you’ve been helping him keep the rest of his life going while he fulfilled this very admirable goal!)

      1. Kuododi*

        Thanks…. I told him when he started this process that my job is to help him however I can, ( proofing papers, fixing dinner, even just taking the dogs into the bedroom to watch TV so he can have quiet time to study, whatever he needed). Now it’s time to party!!!

  16. Loopy*

    I always think of something I want to post here midweek, can’t write it down, then forget by Saturday. It is the saddest! I wanted to ask you guys something so bad, how is it now *completely* gone from my head?!

    Unrelated: I posted about Aldi a few weeks ago, the produce held up GREAT after going two weeks in a row. So thrilled.

    Also unrelated: I’m turning 30 on June 5. My giant turning-30 present to myself was both early…. and a 120 dollar electric tooth brush set. I am so boring.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Haha you are not boring. My 30th birthday present to myself was a vacuum!

      1. Loopy*

        That was the first thing I thought of putting on my wedding registry. And I really *wanted* it and it’s not even a Roomba. I feel we are kindred souls :)

    2. Rovannen*

      An electric toothbrush is not only a gift to your 30 year old self, it’s a gift to your future 40, 50, 60, 70 (etc) year old self.

    3. Are you who you want to be?*

      Haha, Electric toothbrushes are great. I also really like using a water pik.

      1. Loopy*

        Ah I still need to look into that! After years of miserable regular dental exams and being unhappy with my dental routine, something snapped and now I’m obsessed with improving my teeth!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      That toothbrush is such an investment. I did not replace mine when it quit. I now regret that to the tune of thousands of dollars. Money well spent, Loopy.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I am going to keep this in mind when it’s time to replace! Sorry to hear about your experience though :(

  17. Scotland Travels*

    This summer I’ll be traveling to Scotland and we just decided our destinations! They will include Edinburgh, Glasgow, Oban, Isle of Skye, and Inverness. Any suggestions of sites to see would be most welcome for trip planning!

    1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      The fairy pools in Skye are beautiful! Definitely would recommend those as well as Edinburgh Castle. There’s also a kind of cool house of illusions right near the castle (I can’t remember what the name is, sorry!) Honestly, just walking or driving around, basically anywhere in Scotland, was my favorite part of my trip. Have so much fun!

      1. Claire (Scotland)*

        The Camera Obscura has the World of Illusions, that’s probably the one.

    3. Lau (UK)*

      I grew up in Glasgow and have a lot of love for Scotland. In Glasgow: Kelvingrove museum and park are pretty special, and there are some fab foodie places that are pretty casual nearby – recommend Stravaigin and the Wee Curry Shop v highly.

      If driving up to Oban then leave time and stop at Loch Lomond, you drive up the west shore and Luss is lovely.

      Shop in Glasgow rather than Edinburgh and in Edinburgh venture off the tourist track and you’ll find some gems.

      Enjoy

    4. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Seconding the Fairy Pools! They’re likely to be quite crowded but we had so much fun there. We also very much enjoyed Talisker Distillery/the drive out to Talisker Bay on Skye (there’s a pub right at the water close to Talisker Distillery where you can get great dinner too), and Neist Point is absolutely spectacular.

      Edinburgh, if you’re not going up Arthur’s Seat I’d recommend Calton Hill for views – easy to get to from the Royal Mile and well worth it. I dragged every visitor up there.

      Inverness, I never saw much of the city, but if you get out to the Black Isle, there’s a lovely walk called Fairy Glen which starts in Rosemarkie. We did it in absolutely miserable rainy and cold April weather and still loved it, in summer with good weather it should be even better!

      I’d honestly second the ‘just driving around’ advice, especially on Skye. The landscape is out of this world and after most corners someone in the car would go ‘no stop, I need to take a picture, is there a parking spot somewhere??’

      No idea which routes you’re driving, but if you pass Stirling, consider a visit to Doune – they filmed Monty Python and Outlander at Doune Castle and the audio guide is spoken by some of the Monty Python guys. Also, 3 years on I still dream of the lemon cake at the cafe in Doune.

      My very favourite day in Scotland, in terms of views, was the drive from Shieldaig to Applecross over the Bealach na Bà to Skye, but that might be out of the way for you and you do need a good and calm driver (I could not have driven this bit).

      Also seconding Luss! Very cute, likely to be crowded but there’s some great walks around the village which take you away from the crowds.

      If you like walking, I recommend the Pocket Mountain books for walks in Scotland – they’re small pocket books for just about every region and they took us to some great places we wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

      Have so much fun, it’s my favourite country and I can’t wait to go back!

    5. Cookie Monster*

      Climb Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh! Both the little and the big parts. It’s an absolutely incredible hike, and you don’t feel like you’re in a city. Also, go to Mary’s Milk Bar – the gelato is spectacular and honestly the best I’ve ever had.

      1. VIT (Scotland)*

        Seconding this! Edinburgh was built up on itself and the tour takes you down underground into the old streets right in the centre of the city. It’s very cool.

        Also seconding Stravaigin in Glasgow (their Nasi Goreng is amazing), though there are quite a few nice restaurants in that area. Edinburgh’s a beautiful touristy city while Glasgow is more lived in if that makes sense – both great places.

    7. Fiennes*

      Check out Cawdor Castle outside Inverness. It’s not the medieval ruin I expected, despite it being a locale from Macbeth; it’s still a home, albeit one open for tours, and with signs written by the resident family. And those family members are hilarious. “This is a landscape painted by our great-great uncle in 1862. We think you will agree it is horrid.” It’s like getting a house your from Maggie Smith.

      Plus, the nearby countryside is pretty, and I’m pretty sure the Bannockburn site is very close.

        1. Fiennes*

          Yes, that’s what I meant! Serves me right for posting before morning caffeine.

    8. Sled dog mama*

      My home town is sister cities with Oban!
      If you’re into Whiskey at all go to yhe distillery, I went in high school and found it interesting. If you can get to both Iona, Mull and Staffa go! If you can’t do them all go to Iona for sure, and Staffa if you can, Tobermory on Mull is awesome but its a distance from the ferry station. If you like Silver jewelry (necklaces, particularly celtic crosses) ask around about the silver smith on mull who makes beautiful jewelry (he may not be there any more).
      Make sure to head out of town to see the falls of Lorna they are a tidal rapid outside Oban. You used to be able to take a Zodiac tour out to the strait of Coryvrecken (pretty sure I spelled that wrong) which was also pretty cool).
      Don’t know if it’ll be too far out of the way but the one thing my host family was absolutely insistent that I see was Ben Nevis, the tallest mountain in Scotland, it was gorgeous! There is a lift most of the way up (high enough to get really good views) and a restaurant where the lift drops you.

    9. Reba*

      I just left the Isle of Skye! For the fairy pools–or anywhere popular/convenient to the road–get there EARLY. To be honest the fairy pools are alright but there are many, many beautiful and magical spots on the island, so if it looks crowded just move on and don’t worry. The hikes we did were Corrie Lagan (from Glen brittle, Cuillins) and Quirang (from main parking lot). The Taigh Ailean hotel has great, generous affordable meals (including vegetarian haggis!). I really liked both Dunvegan abd Eilean Dunan castles, more interesting than I thought they would be!

      Assume you are driving–give yourself lots of time to minimize stress and enjoy all the luscious scenery. Positive experience with Arnold Clark rental. I found the stretch along loch lomond in heavy rain to be particularly harrowing.

      Just winding down a gorgeous day of self guided walking tour of Glasgow.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      If you’re going to Inverness, you’re only 14 miles from Loch Ness. :) Look for share-a-tour groups where you can buy seats on a tour. Inverness Tours is a good one. I used them when I went. They were very easy to deal with; I booked everything online. Their website looks like an early-90s throwback, but don’t let that put you off. It was delightful. I’ve wanted to visit there since I was a child, and I even climbed all the way up to the top of Urquhart Castle’s ruined tower despite a strong wind and a fear of heights.

      Also, don’t miss Leakey’s on Church Street. It’s a secondhand bookshop in an old church. One of the best bookshops I’ve ever visited in my LIFE.

  18. Holy cow this hurts!*

    Anyone one out there who’s experienced a slipped/herniated disk? How long before you could walk without pain shooting down your leg? It just happened to me this week. I saw the doctor, and it’s being treated. Doc says I’ll recover from the initial pain in a week and will be able to start physical therapy. However, if anyone has little tips that worked for them in the recovery, I’d appreciate it.

    Things I’m already doing: taking meds (from doc’s Rx), using a cane to walk, spending 5 minutes moving every hour, and doing child and cat poses from yoga to take pressure off my spine. I can get comfortable sitting on my bed, so I’m only in pain when I try to move or if I stay in the same position for a really long time.

    2. Jaid_Diah*

      Time and stretches. Maybe some ice packs because of the swelling in your back. I used to do the cobra and bridge poses and the cobra one really helped.
      I wish you well, HC!

    3. Pollygrammer*

      I have sciatica from a degenerative disc, so I very much feel for you. The leg did slowly start feeling better (although the numb spots are still numb, which is occasionally aggravating. Something weird happens nerve-wise when you get a mosquito bite somewhere you don’t have any skin sensation).

      Cat-cow yoga poses do me a lot of good. Experiment with different sleeping positions–pillow under your knees, feet raised, body pillow, etc. If you can, make sure you have a really good mattress. I hope you feel better soon!

    4. School Psych*

      This happened to my husband and it took about a week with the pain meds before he was able to move around with minimal pain. It took about 2 weeks of physical therapy for him to be back to his normal self. He bought one of these back rollers from Dick’s Sporting goods and it really helped with taking the pressure off his spine during stretches and helping him be more comfortable/supported when sitting :
      https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/p/rumbleroller-compact-foam-massage-roller/16rmrurmblrllrcmpeac

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I did about 18 months ago, one of my closest friends about a year ago. I never had sciatica but had killer nerve pain in my foot and toe, she had sciatica bad shooting down one leg. Me: no surgery, just nerve pain blockers, strong Rx for pain killers, and some muscle relaxers, MRI to show a piece jammed in the nerve canal, but overall it was healing on its own. Her: morphine and major surgery and walking only for 6 months. She also had to have emergency services come get her off the bathroom floor at Christmas when she sneezed and blew it out.

      What helped for both of us – walking. Seriously, I would gauge my progress by walking to the bus shelter, then to the end of the street, then around the block. My other half would walk me every night :) And when I reherniated at some point, I was walking the one hallway in our flat (22 steps!) back and forth, until I felt like I could try for the bus shelter again. I had a partially dropped foot too which made it worrysome to walk on my own, but that has since resolved.

      The child and cat/cow poses are excellent – I also did that one where you stick one leg out the back and the opposite arm forward (you are on your knees). I used lot of guided mediation to take my mind off the pain (before I could convince the doctor about the nerve situation) – Meditainment has a bunch of different choices. Also – do NOT read about this stuff online, you’ll only convince yourself you will never walk again, etc :)

      You definitely need to move, but try not to push past the pain too far. Your back will let you know when its pissed off and irritated! I now also get the same signals when I haven’t given it enough movement either.

      For me the ultimate cause was due to far too much sitting and stress, which allowed my hip flexors and core to get weak. I now lift weights a few times a week and its INCREDIBLE how good my back feels after lifting! Totally counterintuitive, but you may want to look into this (note: i work with someone who instructs and watches my form) once you have mended significantly.

      Good luck – its a pretty painful situation, but itll pass, dont worry!

      1. Holy cow this hurts!*

        How did you distinguish between the pain in moving and trying not to push past the pain too far? My main problem is being vertical, even if I don’t put weight on it. Basically my back is pissed off the whole time I’m walking, and that’s with the cane to take most of the weight. I’m worried that if I walk until I can’t go any further, I’ve already pushed to far.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Both myself and my friend rested when we needed to – she had a cane with a little seat that would pop out. For me I remember feeling that I HAD to take weight/pressure off the back right away, that I couldn’t move/lift the leg around once more and/or the stabbing nerve pain in my foot was getting to be too much. The first week or two I had to rest three times on my way to the bus stop – it was maybe 100 yards from my flat. And I had to rest after going up two of three stairs to our entryway. When I got home I would lay down and put ice on my back and made sure to always take the painkillers on schedule. But that was it, that was my walk for the day.

          It was all about not doing too much right away – they say walk, but its little, frequent excursions. Its the hall if it needs to be, or around the block, etc. If its the hall then it may be 20 lengths one day, and then 25 the next. Both myself and my friend walked with someone else the first few weeks because I was scared I would get stuck somewhere in a lot of pain,or trip over the bad foot, and not be able to get home. Having someone along was a comfort blanket and encouragement.

          Right now its in a state of constant irritation so it will burn regardless of what you are doing. For me the key was to use the pain scale – with 10 being the absolute top end, screaming (literally, im sure my neighbors loved that) nerve pain, and 1 being normal. Starting out moving I knew would hurt, say a 5, dip to a 4 because I was out in the air, and then climb up to maybe a 7 when I would decide that was it, I needed to stop and rest for a few minutes. Then I would start again and if the pain hadn’t subsided from a 7 after a few feet, then I would know it was time to turn around and go home, that it just wasn’t up to it that day. When I was at the top end of 9/10 getting to the bathroom was an accomplishment, and walking was therefore out of the question. But what got me from that 9/10 situation and to 5/6 where I could start walking was just getting proper rest (finally, once I could control the nerve pain and get the muscles to relax and release) and starting to move within my boundaries (the yoga, the hallway). I think they just don’t want folks being bedbound for two months thinking that will help the back best!

          If your problem is being vertical, you may need to just start slower (say in the house), but frequent, which it sounds like you are doing. Every herniation is different – where and how the disk herniated, how the nerve is impacted, etc all sorts of variables. For some folks it really is that quick where they are over it in 6 weeks and for others it can mean the start of years of surgeries. Most surgeons, however, will take a wait and see and there is a whole ladder of non-surgical options before they even start to think about going in. Your back will “heal itself” in time, most likely, but it will still need time at the start to get going on that process, which rest also helps.

          1. Holy cow this hurts!*

            The scale of pain is super helpful, thanks! I think I can do a little more than I have been without exceeding the limit. And I agree, I’d rather exhaust conservative treatment before surgery options.

    6. Holy cow this hurts!*

      Thanks for the suggestions everyone! I’ll definitely need to try the foam roller and other tips.

    7. Kristie*

      Sorry to hear about the pain you’re in. I had the same thing. I ordered large ice packs on amazon for a reasonable price (several, so I could use one and have a cold one waiting. and wrapped them in dish towels when using so they weren’t so icy)
      I also had several lumbar rolls (one for the car, one for work, etc).
      I got a comfortable desk chair and used that at the dining table (weird, but hey, I was comfortable)
      I ended up getting a micro diskectomy surgery about 1 year after we discovered the herniated disc. Physical therapy and cortisone shots just weren’t cutting it anymore. Recovery was fast. I feel great now. I don’t regret it.
      Good luck!

    8. Camille*

      Best thing for a slipped disc is unfortunately just NSAIDs, time, and physical activity. Move as much as you can, walking is great, and try not to lay in bed too much. (I know how tempting it is from personal experience! And it sounds like you’re already not doing that.)

  19. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

    Any advice for communal living situations? In a few months I’m moving into a house with multiple roommates, and I’m wondering if people have any tips for being a good housemate and/or dealing with the tricker parts of living with several people.

    1. KitKat*

      You’ve probably already thought of this, but definitely have a conversation about expectations up front! Who is doing what chores? Any limitations around parties? Overnight guests? Is it ok to leave your dishes to soak in the sink? Who buys the toilet paper? Is the olive oil communal or private? Are there shower times or is it a free for all?

      Since you’re moving into a pre-existing house, they may have already figured a lot of this stuff out and will tell you. You may also want to think about your weird habits and be up front about them – I tell people that I get up early but am quiet, that I enjoy my alone time, and that I shed a lot but will do my best to clean it up :)

      1. Midwest Engineer*

        I agree with all of the above! I would also add how is food marked communal or private? Is it labeled? On a different shelf? Are there hours that are generally considered times to avoid doing loud things?

      2. Traveling Teacher*

        Also, ask how they do their dishes! I lived with people once who only washed the “dirty parts” of their dishes (like: the “eating end” of their silverware, or the top of the plate, but not the bottom). So gross!

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        Agree with all the above. I’d also ask about what the split and process for paying bills is if they’re not included in your rent – is there a joint account that they’re all paid from? Do different people look after particular bills and then just pay that person when it’s due? Are all the bills split equally, or do people pay extra (eg if you’ve made a lot of phone calls this month)?

    2. Kate Daniels*

      Be upfront about things that are bothering you instead of expecting people to read your mind. Passive aggressiveness kills!

    3. StellaBella*

      Agree with the comments posted and here are a few of my own – I have lived alone for 16 years now, tho. So… chores – when do they get done and which frequency (every Sunday morning for full house cleaning? when is vacuuming done? how often?) How are bills split and managed in terms of money? Music and noise rules? Open windows in winter – heating rules/cooling rules? How is internet handled? Yard work – if there is a yard how is the space used and managed and cared for? Trash and recycling – how are those managed? Cooking space and time slots – same for laundry – time slots? Yes to quiet hours question above too. And how does one deal with morning vs night people and hours? Good luck!

      As an aside – I am in grad school now and when I came for a campus visit I had a young woman ask a bunch of us touring if “we could all connect on facebook and get a house together as there is a house for 11 people available and it is cheap and we could all live there it would be SO MUCH FUN!” to which I replied… “No, sorry – I am getting my own house and I have a cat and I don’t live with others since I am older…” and she said, “ooooh you are a cat lady…..” Yeah – it’s been a long year having her in class. :-|

    4. Marathon Girl*

      I think cleaning up after yourself is the biggest thing to make sure you do. I had a housemate that left her old cups of hot chocolate and remains of a hotpot for so long they grew mould… I would always cook – eat – clean up. If you start leaving dishes it’ll become a terrible habit and the aim to do them the next day will end up being the next week! Also hide good food well. I shared with 8 people once and food would always be stolen/used (cheese was always a big favourite along with sweets/chocolate). I guess it depends on the people but those 8 people were all lovely yet food still went walking and none would admit it. Once my friend bought some vegan chocolate, expensive stuff that she was super excited to eat- she left it on the counter in the kitchen (and I’m not exaggerating) for 5 minutes tops, she only went back to her room briefly to grab a cup or something, and it was GONE. I swear communal living can teach you to never judge a book by it’s cover haha!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I once had a roommate situation that deteriorated for other reasons (they wanted to move a friend in so bullied me out), but they were pretty good about keeping hands-off with people’s food. We each had our own shelf in the fridge and you didn’t touch what was on someone else’s shelf.

    5. MissingArizona*

      Get a large whiteboard, and a large calendar (I like a hanging desk calendar), and put them both in a very visible place. I had one female roommate, and four male roommates, in a huge house, and it was impossible to keep track of stuff, so we finally started leaving notes for each other. Also, with parking, make sure everyone knows which parking space is theirs, this can cause an insane number of fights.

      And don’t leave your dirty socks on the kitchen counter.

    6. Red Reader*

      As the live-in landlord for a houseful of roommates:
      Clean up after yourself, both in terms of kitchen/bathroom stuff and just general belongings – put your stuff away instead of leaving it laying around public areas.
      If there are chore/cooking agreements, hold up your end of the bargain.
      If you have food that is definitely not communal, put your name on it. Be reasonable with the amount of fridge space you take up with non-communal stuff.
      Paying your share of the rent/bills in a timely fashion goes without saying — but also, assuming that the bills are evenly split, be mindful of them. Don’t leave lights on when you’re not home or leave the water running forever or spend three hours in the shower (seriously, what the heck is she DOING in there….)
      If there’s any pets, know what the rules are. Like, in my house, the dogs can have the occasional pizza crust, and all the carrots they want, but otherwise, nobody gives them people food but me (because I don’t very often, and everyone else would love to spoil them :P ) and the cats aren’t allowed in my office, nor the dogs in the basement.
      Be real specific about the rules on guests — I am a massive introvert and get aggressively cranky face at having strangers in my home, and my housemates (who have all been my friends for ten years or more) know that I’m much more comfortable having people in the house if I have met them at least once outside of the house first.

      1. Red Reader*

        Also I’m a general fan of having an emergency contact for everyone in a designated place, though in my house we’ve been friends long enough that I have the phone numbers for my housemates’ parents anyway. Find out how interactive the house is — if you don’t come home for two days, is someone likely to notice before the rent is due? Are they the type to have an in-out board and freak out if everyone isn’t in by midnight? (I prefer to know if people are going to be out past my bedtime but still come home, just because that way I don’t get nervous when the dogs are all “Hey, the front door is opening!” at midnight.)

        1. Case of the Mondays*

          This was going to be my advice. When I had a roommate, I thought it was super rude for her to not tell me she wasn’t coming home. Not because I’m her mother or something but because I would be worried she was in a car accident if the last I knew she was going to work and then coming home to watch Idol. Especially with texting nowadays, it’s so easy to shoot a text that says don’t expect me tonight or I’m going to be home at 3 am so don’t be startled when I come in.

    7. Just a thought*

      If you are sharing a bathroom either talk about schedules or keep some things in your room in case someone is using the bathroom when you need it. Being late to work because a roommate was in the bathroom is no fun.
      Generally be respectful of different sleep schedules. I have a roommate that goes to bed at 10 and wakes up early, so the TV is extra quiet at night because she can hear it in her room.
      Do your dishes is a big one.
      Also, learn to let some of their annoying habits go. No one is the perfect roommate and no everything is worth a conversation.

  20. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

    I’m about to interview nanny candidates. I’ve never done this before, though obviously I’ve read Allison on interviewing.

    What should I ask?

    1. Em*

      I’ve heard before that you should directly ask “have you ever harmed a child” and “have you ever yelled at a child”. I don’t know if I’d be able to do it. I like the questions “what procedures will you follow if my child is injured”. I’m sure there’s lots more good ones.

      1. Case of the Mondays*

        Those are interesting. The first I think you could do in a light hearted way and include your own anecdote and ask it in a way that would include intentional and accidental harm. Like I could tell the story of my cousin lifting his nephew up and not realizing he (the cousin) was so tall that there was no clearance between baby and the ceiling fan. There were tears but baby was fine!

        For the latter, I think it could help weed out people who are just telling you what you want to hear. I’d be leery of anyone who said they had NEVER yelled at a child. Anyone who has watched children has on rare occassion had to yell, usually in a safety situation.

      2. Observer*

        What does anyone expect to get from that? Who is going to tell you that they actually harmed a child. And if you think that you can tell from the way they answer whether they are lying or not, you are almost certainly mistaken. Most people who think that they are good at telling who is truthful or not, are not all that good at it.

    2. nep*

      No experience in this and this isn’t exactly addressing your question–but the one thing that comes to mind is I’d surely want a good number of references with first-hand experience with how this person is with children. Reckon that’s already part of your search.
      Best of luck.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      How old are your children? For infants, I’d definitely ask about safe sleep. A lot of old school nannies (and grandparents) still put kids on their tummies to sleep which is a huge no no. I would also ask about potty training styles and experience even if they are infants now, it will definitely come up later! Discipline is a big one too. I would ask open ended questions about that and see what they say.

    4. Stacy*

      I love your user name, and adore LTiH! Adore! I recommend it every chance I get. I like to channel my inner Caroline on the tricky days. And regularly remind myself that I have the advantage of having me on my side.

      I’m awfully sad to think that there may never be a full 4th series after the heartbreak that was series 3.

    5. Book Lover*

      I tell them that I won’t have guns in my house and they can’t have guns in their car while my kids are there or in handbag. I also ask and check driving records (you can do a background check that includes this or separately).
      I also tell them about food allergies and what they can’t bring into the house because of them.
      I find that responses to my requirements are helpful in gauging whether it is worth moving ahead.

      Beyond that, I ask about experience (age of kids cared for, what were their duties), I ask for references and I check them.

      I ask what they would do in certain circumstances – kid refusing to do homework, kid having tantrum.

      I do a nanny contract – I used one from online, that includes not sharing photos or information online and so on. Firing offenses being using cel phone while driving. I ask them to avoid excessive use of their phones in general during the day also.

      I do everything aboveboard – nanny tax, unemployment insurance, and also have worker’s compensation. It is for them but mostly for my protection. I find that requiring everything be done that way also eliminates people, which is fine.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I reckon you need to ask about their child-rearing philosophy generally, what they think the broad responsibilities of a nanny are and aren’t, how they see responsibility/authority, etc., so you can make sure you’re on the same page. I had a pretty hellish nannying job for a year or so where the parents basically didn’t provide any structure or discipline for their kids — computer and TV time were unlimited, but I was supposed to get the kids to do their homework, even though I had no authority to go over to the computer and tell the 11-year-old to get off the Harry Potter fanfiction website and get to work, or to take the 7-year-old’s tv privileges away when he hit me. I wouldn’t have taken the job if I’d realized that I was going to have all the responsibility (and all the blame when things went wrong) but no authority.

    7. Hannah*

      I used to be a nanny, so while I can’t speak from a parental perspective, I’ve definitely been through the interview process from the other side.

      Here are things I think are important to talk about in a nanny interview:

      What would a regular day look like? (From both sides, this is really important. How is the nanny going to spend his/her time with your kids? What are the expectations around planning activities, what chores or errands are going to be expected? Where is the nanny allowed to take your kids?)

      How does the nanny handle challenging situations with your kids? (This is highly age-dependent, and should cover things like a baby that won’t stop crying, or a potty-training tot, or a kid who is misbehaving.)

      How would the nanny handle a medical emergency with your kids?

      Some smaller but important things to consider are: is the nanny a smoker? How is payment and taxes going to be handled? Is the nanny available outside of regular hours? (Like for a date night or something). Will the nanny be bringing kids of his/her own along, either regularly or irregularly? Is there anything the nanny is NOT willing to do? (Cook, clean, shop, take the kids to classes, drive the kids around, have playdates with other kids with or without their own parents/caregivers.)

      Also, I really think gut feeling is something that needs to be considered here. You need to be comfortable and confident in this person, way more so than with a regular employee. They are not only taking care of your precious babies, but they are in your home, in your business, and you have to mesh well to be able to work together.

    8. Hired a Nanny*

      I’ll add to be open to older nannies.

      When I was first looking around, I was sure I wanted a college student studying some kid-related field, but the only one I met with flaked on me.

      I ended up meeting with an older woman who’s a career nanny (with great references) and she’s been so professional and reliable — such a relief!

      And while giving her a reference to a second family she’ll be working with, that family shared their experience with younger, college-aged nannies: they would call out with short notice or not show up!

      Certainly it depends on the disposition/track record of the individual, but I’d just put it it there to be open to a wider article range.

    9. Traveling Teacher*

      I would also recommend doing two waves of interviews and making sure that your partner is there for the second wave if not possible for the first. Since you would be entrusting your child’s very life to this person, you can never be too careful.

      Also, I always ask first what their policies on punishment are. What would they do if X or Y happened? Tell me about a time a child did X thing–how did you handle it?

      If they say they physically punish (spank/hit/slap), I end the interview immediately. If they don’t, then I make clear that I do not spank or physically hit my child and that that is grounds for immediate termination and possible prosecution if they do so.

      A couple of things that I don’t see mentioned already:

      Also, I’d ask what they would do if my child got hurt. Would they know what to do if X or Y happened? Who would they call? (example: What temperature warrants a trip to the ER versus home treatment?)

      And, I also ask about preventative things, like how they interact with the child when walking on a sidewalk, crossing the street, etc. And common kid safety hazards, like: What foods cause choking? How can that be prevented? (I have an uncle who died when home alone in his mid-40s because he choked while eating, and there are so many more things that are choking hazards for little ones that people don’t necessarily know about! Grapes, hot dogs, cherry tomatoes…round things that are the perfect size to block a kid’s throat but can be easily cut to prevent choking…)

      Third round is them meeting my child. Only after seeing them interact together do I consider hiring.

      Hope this is helpful to you! I’m really neurotic about safety, plus just the vibes I pick up from the person and how confident they are when answering my questions. (Plus things every employer does: references and background checks! )

      I’d also recommend having a clear contract with written expectations to avoid resentment from either side. I had varying nannying jobs when I was younger, and the best one was for a family who made everything crystal-clear from the get-go and respected their contract to the letter.

  21. Nervous accountant*

    Anyone done solo travelling? There’s a lot of destinations I want to go to that my husband doesn’t want to go to. The most solo I’ve done is a trip to Cali where I stayed with my brother but got to do my own thing.

    Right now it’s just a pipe dream bc my PTO and savings are wiped out from these 2 trips this year, and a future mandatory trip as well so I may never be able to. But a girl can dream.

    1. PolicyChick*

      Yep, I’ve travelled solo on 90% of my trips, and I have been all over the world. I love it! I can see what I please, eat where I like. If I want to stay somewhere an extra day (or head off to the next destination early) I don’t have to consult with anyone.

      It’s wonderfully freeing. Highly recommend!

      1. tangerineRose*

        Agreed. I’ve traveled alone a lot, and I like it. The tough part is that you can’t split up stuff that needs to be done. The great part is that you get to do whatever you want (within reason). I have someone I keep in contact with by text when I travel, just so someone knows something about where I am, kind of a safety thing.

        I like to bring books along so that when I eat out, I have something to read. Or maybe a magazine – they’re lighter :)

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I also travel solo, mainly to Europe. I really enjoy it. My time is my own.

    3. Knotty Ferret*

      I’ve traveled with friends, and traveled alone. I deal with a lot of social anxiety, so having someone else expecting me gets me out of the hotel and out to see the things I traveled to see.
      Alone is good for a relaxing, no expectations trip. The lack of food negotiations led to some fantastic meals.

    4. Dan*

      I’ve traveled solo to six continents. I usually take one multi week trip each year. It’s a blast.

    5. Fiennes*

      I’ve traveled solo many times. Honestly, I love being free to explore on my terms. A little extra safety may be in order, but for most destinations that makes little to no difference.

    6. HannahS*

      I have! It’s delightful, and I’m doing it again this summer. Personally, I’d feel a bit unsafe travelling alone to a place where I couldn’t grasp any of the language AND couldn’t read street signs AND didn’t understand the culture, but I’d probably do a combination of a tour + days alone in the biggest cities–that’s kind of what I’m hazily planning for Japan in a few years. But North America, Western Europe, and Israel are all places I’ve travelled alone and loved.

    7. Nervous accountant*

      Nice!! I feel like I am so weird…..my ideal time is actually just spending time with someone who’s company I enjoy rather than going to any interesting locations….so I don’t know if solo travel is for me. I can have a nice time just hanging out and sitting around as long as I enjoy the people. but why not toy with the idea of travelling til it can be a reality one day.

      Thanks all for the replies.

    8. Traveler*

      I would really encourage you to try it at least once to see if it’s for you. For me, there’s nothing like solo travel. I feel like I’m so much more engaged in what’s happening around me when I’m by myself. I’ve traveled all over the world solo. Recently, for more than year. I have so many stories of wonderful connections with perfect strangers. I never felt lonely. Magical moments just happened organically, while I was busy enjoying myself. You might be really surprised by the sense of community you feel … even when you’re in a foreign country with a language barrier!

    9. Canadian Natasha*

      I’ve travelled solo twice so far; once within the country (as a first step) and once internationally. I highly recommend it! It really is a very different experience than travelling with family or friends. You can be much more adventurous when you don’t have the ability to slack off and let other people make the decisions for you and you don’t have to get anyone else to agree. And you can do everything at your own pace. In my case, I challenged myself to travel alone because I wanted to work on overcoming fears and limitations. I do feel like it worked. Now I have the travel bug! :)

    10. Future Analyst*

      Yes! I go on a yearly solo trip around my birthday (Jan) and I love it. It feels like a good time to discover/remember things that YOU like to do, and I love the quiet– my husband is an extrovert who processes things by talking through them, and I am an introvert. Highly recommend solo trips!!

    11. Lindsay J*

      I do it a lot.

      I enjoy it because I’m generally a people pleaser, so if I go with other people I tend to go along with whatever they want to do. Or I would hesitate to, say, pull over to the side of the road to take a picture of something interesting because I would be holding them up from getting to where they want to be.

      When I’m solo, it’s all me. I can decide what restaurant sounds most interesting and go there. I can decide that I feel lazy and just want to hang out in the hotel room all day, etc.

  22. nep*

    How did I not know about Sudan Archives before last week?
    I am so glad I came across her online and learned of her work. She defies description. I’m glad she exists and is emitting that power.

  23. KitKat*

    Anyone have a dynamic where they are the ones with all the “ideas” for things to do when hanging out? My friends reach out to me about as much as I reach out to them, but when they ask if I want to hang out and I say yes, it sort of ends up being “oh cool, what do you want to do?” and when I reach out, it’s also, “oh cool, what do you want to do?” I don’t constantly mind and I do think I’m good at being creative about fun and low-cost things to do in my city, but sometimes it just feels like work, and I just want someone else to do it! (This happens with my husband too, but with him I’m more comfortable just saying – I want you to take me on a date this weekend.)

    1. Em*

      Just be straight with them. Planning is exhausting! “I’ll plan this time, but next time I want to do something fun that you plan!” Or even be like “I don’t have the time to plan something, could you figure out a plan and I just show up this time?”

      1. HannahS*

        I agree. What I often did as a teenager was have a “default” plan. The default plan was, “Come to my house, we’ll have tea and talk.” So I’d ask people what they wanted to do, and would say, “If we can’t find something that works, you guys can all come here.” Or the default plan could be, “Let’s meet at that convenient local lunch place.”

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          I like this. I will admit I am notoriously bad at planning things to do (mainly because when I’ve suggested things in the past I’ve been told ‘no, that’s boring/stupid’, and so my logic became that if the other person picks what we do then it’ll be something they want to do) and so a default plan would be massively helpful for me! Thank you for the post :)

  24. Ann*

    Is anybody good at furniture layout? I’m struggling with ideas for my bedroom (though it’s a good struggle! I’ve never had room for extra furniture before). Here’s a rough sketch of what it looks like:
    https://imgur.com/a/g6jQWPc

    Basically right now I have a bed with two bedside tables, then a storage bench (that I keep blankets in) at the foot of the bed. There are some west-facing windows. I’m trying to figure out what to do with the wall opposite the bed, since it feels weird to have it so empty. I was thinking maybe bookshelves + dresser, since while I have a decent sized closet, it has pre-installed wire shelves w/ hanging rods, so there’s not a lot of room for sweaters and I was thinking a dresser for sweaters + underwear might be nice. But I’m not sure if it would be weird for that side to be asymmetric? Or whether it would be good to do bookshelf | dresser | bookshelf. Or maybe reading chair | dresser | bookshelf?

    Also I’m curious if there’s such thing as a cat tree that’s not completely carpet covered or ugly? I get that it’s a good material for them for practical reasons, but I also lived in enough apartments with stained wall-to-wall beige carpet that I don’t want my more in my life than I have to. Based on her current tree (I’m looking to get another one that I can put in the living room, but blends in slightly better), she likes to sit and watch everything going on or just sleep on it, but avoids the cubbies or scratching elements (preferring a dedicated scratching post). I’ve seen things like this (https://www.tuftandpaw.com/collections/cat-trees/products/torre-cat-tree?variant=27907876113) that I think she’d enjoy, but they’re also really expensive. I think she’d like something like this (https://www.tuftandpaw.com/collections/cat-trees/products/ozzy-cat-tree) but the perches are pretty small and I’d worry about stability. I’ve also been thinking about DIYing one, but I’m not sure what would look good and be functional.

    Here’s a picture of my cat as thanks: https://imgur.com/a/VFmxubK

    1. Aphrodite*

      Ooh, those are expensive. There are others in that same price range but much more interesting, this one for example: http://www.ahiddenhollow.com/

      I’d suggest googling “custom cat trees” in Google Images, which is where I found Hidden Hollow. There are some very talented woodworkers out there who make cat trees in all sorts of interesting shapes and designs.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      There’s Pioneer Pet SmartCat’s The Ultimate Scratching Post. I think it looks better than some of the carpet covered things and my cat likes it. A perch for the top is sold separately. I also have a couple from Purrfect Post. They are expensive, but I’m in a furnished rental, so the possible expense of her scratching anywhere inappropriate was far higher.
      https://www.purrfectpost.com/
      https://www.amazon.com/SmartCat-3832-Ultimate-Scratching-Post/dp/B000634MH8/ref=sr_1_4?s=pet-supplies&ie=UTF8&qid=1526140348&sr=1-4&keywords=cat+scratching+post

    3. Oxford Coma*

      DIY cat trees can look really good, but the key is patience. You can’t staple the rug to the wood because their claws can get caught, so you need a quality adhesive and clamps to hold the carpet while the glue sets up. Wrapping sisal around and gluing it is also a test of patience.

      If you’re not able or willing to DIY, I recommend looking for homemade ones on places like Etsy. People who are skilled at woodworking can crank them out in no time, since all you need is basic wood shapes and a few carpet remnants.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Furniture. You might want to consider a comfy chair that you can sleep in. I have nights where laying down is painful and sleeping in a chair is just perfect. The chair is also good for putting on shoes or reading quietly before bed.
      You could consider a jewelry armor if you use much jewelry.
      I want a full length mirror on my room but I have no space to hang it and still be able to step back far enough to see.
      I don’t know how much walking space you have between the bed and the windows. I saw a nice dresser, maybe about waist high and it was narrow but long. It would be great for socks, underwear and all those other small things we have to keep track of. You might even just prefer to put it on the wall at the foot of the bed.

      Don’t cram too much in there. Some folks believe that the busyness can distract us from sleep. I have pared down the clutter in my room just to make it feel more cozy and less busy.

    5. Melody Pond*

      For furniture layout, try floorplanner.com. You can insert various different types of furniture by searching for them in their database, and then you can change the dimensions of each particular piece of furniture to match exactly whatever furniture you’re considering.

      Also, here’s the cat tree I bought for our cat. It’s a little spendy, but I think it looks nice, and our cats love the box.

      http://a.co/gT3pwm3

  25. Drama Llama*

    Occasionally I need a reminder that the world is a nice place still.

    What’s a random act of kindness you either observed, received, or gave?

    When I started crying after just missing a train a random stranger gave me $20 to get a taxi. She refused to give me her contact details so I couldn’t pay her. (But I’ve paid it forward since).

    My grandmother basically spent all day today and yesterday cooking for us.

    My dad’s employee needed an advance pay to pay for his wife’s surgery. Dad gave him $500 as a gift.

    1. StellaBella*

      I like to cook for others so made some food Monday for a group of 8 classmate friends. Many of them have little disposable income so we had a potluck and I made a ton of stuff for them to all take home.

      I have also seen folks recently helping each other a lot with little things – crossing the road, lifting a heavy bag, and giving a young person on the street some food (twice).

    2. Marathon Girl*

      I thought I had some change for a homeless guy (he wanted to buy a coffee) but after looking all through my purse it turned out I only had a £10 note so I gave it to him anyway. He asked me, shocked, if I was sure and when I said of course he gave me a friendly hug and was really appreciative. When I was looking in my purse later that day I found about £3 change. Pretty crazy? Yes. I’d like it think it all happened on purpose :)

    3. Peanut*

      A few months ago, I was having a miserable day. I had a very, very bad cold or an undiagnosed flu, had just come from the doctor’s office, tried to return my partner’s bottles/cans to a grocery store but didn’t realize that in the new state I live in, they don’t collect bottle returns at stores like in my old state (also because I only drink tap water or tea, so then I was more frustrated at having to do a task that I hadn’t contributed to) and I was trying to hold it together long enough to finish shopping at Trader Joe’s for my partner and his kids. Also I think I had a fever, so I was getting more and more upset about seemingly minor things (in fact, I totally broke down mentally on my way home and had to pull over on the side of the road to weep).

      I am not much of a small talker even in good days, and so usually I am not chatty with checkout people. For whatever reason, I must have said or answered some things to/from the cashier when I was checking out. I thought I was pretending well enough to be normal, but I guess not, because the cashier (an older woman) suddenly pulled out a roll of Trader Joe’s stickers that she said they have for kids, and gave me a whole bunch of them, saying, “You look like you could use these today.” It made me laugh at the time, but I still can’t forget how kind she was when I was feeling so down about everything.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        I had a similar situation a while ago at a fast food drive thru, of all places. It had been a monster of a day and while I was in line I got a text message with some upsetting news and I just lost it. But I was already in the drive thru line and there were cars behind me so I couldn’t get out, so there was nothing I could do but order my food and hope for the best. I pulled up to the window to pay and the person on duty looked like he was probably in high school. He popped his head out of the window and did the cheery “how’s your day going?” thing customer service people do, and I started crying all over again. He panicked a little, but we tried to pretend this was a normal thing. He asked me what kind of sauce I wanted for my chicken nuggets, and when he handed me the bag there were about a dozen little sauce cups there.

        It was such a small thing, but it felt so sweet to me that this kid was faced with a weeping customer and knew that his options for helping me feel better were limited, but he did the best he could.

        1. KayEss*

          Same. I was in the midst of a depressive episode, but I dragged myself out to get a much-needed oil change at Jiffy Lube. I didn’t cry or anything, but the guy who walked me out to my car when they were done with it asked me, “Are you okay? You look really sad.” I assured him that I was fine, because what else are you going to tell your local chain mechanic, but I was really touched that someone noticed I was hurting and reached out.

    4. Stacy*

      Last summer I passed out due to a medical condition and crushed my iPad, essentially my lifeline, in the process. 2017 was a very expensive year for me, most notably with my car being stolen, and I was drowning financially. A friend from high school sent me an apple store gift card to cover the amount of a new one, and specifically asked me to not say anything because it wasn’t about her, it was about ‘all the wonderful things (I) do coming back to (me)’. I was speechless and still find her kindness heartwarming.

    5. Mananana*

      I know a family who had to break the lease on their rental home due to the husband being laid off. The landlords not only let them out of their lease (which had 6 months left on it), they let the family have one month rent-free.

    6. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      One year, my best friend and I went on a trip to the Smoky Mountains. Unbeknownst to us…her gas gauge was broken. We went out to eat. Got back in the car and…….it didn’t start. We walked to the nearest gas station to get a gas can. They didn’t have any. The closest place that had one was on the other side of the mountains. (You’ll notice that’s a hair inconvenient.)

      In desperation, we walked back to the restaurant and asked for our waitress since she was the only person we even remotely knew. We asked if someone would be able to help us out. She said not to worry, they’d figure it out. Several minutes later, she came back up front and said since all the servers were busy nobody could drive us……so why don’t we just take her car. We both protested and she firmly shook her head. As she headed back to get her keys, another server grabbed her.

      Apparently, a man was sitting nearby and overheard the scenario. He had been doing lawn work and happened to still have a partially full gas can in the back of his truck. He asked how much we needed and I joked and said, “Sir, we just need enough to get the damn car started. We’ll push it from there.”

      He gave us way more than that. I ran back inside to try to pay for his dinner because I was do grateful. Our waitress wouldn’t let me. She said the only thing needed from us was to enjoy the rest of our trip.

    7. LibbyG*

      I’m a college professor. Last week a student of mine accidentally deleted a draft paper an hour before an in-class peer-feedback activity. So frustrating for her! I overheard another student quietly offer to provide feedback on her draft after she rewrites it, at a time of the semester when everyone has a ton of deadlines.

    8. Sled dog mama*

      One of my coworkers told me about an elderly lady who lives in her building. Lady had a grease fire, called the fire department who put out the fire and took out her trash because she has trouble walking.

    9. It’s all good*

      I picked up donuts before work, it was about 40 degrees out and there was homeless man and dog out front. On my way in, a guy bought him a hot sandwich and a coffee. Before I left, I gave him a new blanket I had bought for my mom. He was so greatful. A few weeks later I saw him outside wrapped with an old dirty comfortable asking for money. :-( I wonder what happened to the blanket.

      2. It’s all good*

        True. When we travel we always get our leftovers to go and give to the homeless. One time we gave half a pizza to a homeless guy and while we were waiting for our taxi we saw him go across the street, take one slice out and hand the box to a homeless mom and child.

    10. TheLiz*

      I, like a young fool, decided that I could totally manage to get a table and three chairs across Berlin by myself (we’d just moved internationally and had NO furniture). I might have been able to… if the table hadn’t had a detached top to permit it to extend. I was helped by eight separate people, the first of whom insisted on driving me to the U-Bahn station and giving me some bungee cords, then seven more who helped with the transitions on to and off of the various trains and platforms until I finally made it to the bus stop for my new flat (which had a supermarket, and a shopping cart made the rest of the journey a snap). This unprompted kindness from total strangers was a wonderful introduction to a new city! Those who say Berliners aren’t kind are dead wrong.

    11. Kuododi*

      My Dad has done many acts of service throughout my life. The one that really sticks out for me is that he’s faithfully gone to the local School for the Blind every Fri and volunteered to repair Braille Writer devices. (He’s a retired mechanical engineer and has always been able to fix or repair anything!!!)

    12. Turtlewings*

      Couple years ago, I saw hanging around an intersection, with a cardboard sign asking for money. I was broke as anything and didn’t have a dime to give him, but I had an old sweater in the backseat with some stuff I was taking to Goodwill. It was a really chilly night so I called him over to my car and gave him the sweater. I’ve always wondered how things worked out for him.

      This one might be a controversial act of kindness, but I was so flippin’ proud of my siblings… There was a dog that lived near my brother’s house, out in the country where even good pet owners just let their dogs roam. This dog was half-starved and had an infected eye injury that his owners were clearly doing nothing whatsoever about. This had been going on for weeks, and he was gonna lose the eye sure as the world, and who knew what else. Well, the dog just vanished one day, oh no, what a shame. Same day as my sister in another town suddenly turned up with a new dog with an eye infection. How about that!

      (They got him all fixed up, he did keep the eye and can still see out of it at least a little, and is just the sweetest, most loving dog.)

      So yes, the world is still a nice place where people will give what they have to give, and step in to help a neglected dog!

      1. Graciela*

        My neighbor did something similar. The person across the street had two dogs and they rarely bothered to feed and water them, letting them roam. They ended up at her house more often than not because she bought food and set it out with water for them. Eventually the guy got mad over something and decided that to punish my neighbor, he was gonna tie them up in his yard. Still no food or water. So my neighbor snuck over one night and untied them and put them in her back yard. One was almost dead from heat and dehydration. When he came looking a week later, she threatened to call the cops. He moved soon after and she had two healthy happy dogs. I really hate people who harm animals.

    13. Tea, please*

      Several years ago, we were on a flight back from Europe with my 15mo old. We were flying a budget airline who had no record of the ticket (I bought it separately by phone and had the credit card receipt… ) I bought for our son so he had to be held in my lap the entire flight. Security had confiscated all my food for him because it tested positive for something. He wouldn’t eat anything in the airport.
      On the plane, this amazing woman, helped us out so much. She was wearing a head covering and had Middle Eastern food, so I’m assuming she is Muslim. I can’t imagine traveling on planes is easy for her and her family. She gave us snacks my son would eat. She made suggestions about how to help settle him down and was generally very compassionate given our toddler screamed the entire flight (with brief breaks thanks to her). Her incredible kindness is something that I try to pay forward to other traveling families.

    14. anon24*

      When I was younger I hit a pretty rough emotional patch. I was basically just getting through one day at a time, and had been for months. One day I left my house to go to work. I parked my car on the street with a bunch of my neighbors, and someone picked my car out of the whole street to stuff a $15 gift card to the local gas station/convenience store under the windshield wiper with a note to please use it for food or gas. I still have no idea who did it. I was financially ok at the time, but it was such a lovely random gesture during such a difficult time and it made me cry. Someday I will pass it forward

    15. Amadeo*

      I was trying to visit a friend in the UK the spring the volcano in Iceland erupted and halted air travel into Europe. I had booked the flight months before, and it was out of Chicago, 6 hours north, way at the other end of the state from where I live. I had to board the Amtrak train not know if my flight was even going to be a thing by the time I got there. I spent the 5 and a half hour train right kind of stressed out and distraught. It got worse, as not one native person I met in the city was kind, and one CTA employee was downright hateful and treated me like I’d never used a vending machine before.

      So by the time I got checked in and to the gate (for the flight that would subsequently not leave), I was in tears. An older couple trying to get home to Amsterdam came and seated themselves right next to me. The waiting area at the gate was not crowded, there were lots of other seats, but they came to me and sat beside me and struck up a conversation with me while politely ignoring my tear-stained face. The agent at the British Airways desk later on gave me a refund for my fare and placed her hand on my head and the next morning the shuttle driver at the hotel BA put me up in drove me to the train stop to take me back to Union Station so I could catch the 8am Amtrak back home.

      All in all, it was a horrible trip and I’ll not be sad if I never see Chicago again, but those four people where absolutely who I needed when I needed them and I’ll always be grateful for that!

    16. Detached Elemental*

      Many years ago I was part of an online community devoted to my favourite embroidery designer. Some of her designs were out of print, and went for huge sums on eBay.

      I found an OOP leaflet in my local needlework shop for cover price, so I bought it.

      There was a woman in the community who was looking for the leaflet. She was a grad student, and broke, and was trying to save up to pay eBay prices.

      I mailed the leaflet to her anonymously, with a note saying I figured she’d appreciate it more than me.

      A few days later she posted an emotional thank you, which made it all worthwhile.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      Once when I was still at OldExjob, I had had a ton of unexpected expenses around the holidays and funds were very tight. I made an offhand half-joking remark about not having any money. I think it was the next day, I went to lunch and when I came back, there was a $50 Walmart gift card on my chair. I think I know who did it, but nobody would fess up to it.

    18. Finny*

      Back the winter of my last year at Emerson College, in Boston, I couldn’t go home over the month of winter break, as I’d tried to escape my abusive mother that pervious summer, to not the best results. I had nowhere to go, as the school closed all dorms over that month, though they kept one dorm open over both Thanksgiving and Spring breaks. I got a return fair bus ticket to Hartford, Connecticut, as my roommate lived in Windsor, and though I couldn’t stay with her, she though the Hartford YWCA would help (the one in Boston would not, and for everything else I tried, I would have to have been either a child myself or a single mother with a child).

      The YWCA had no room for me, so I ended up sitting in a bus shelter, wearing every piece of clothing I had with me to try and stay warm in the freezing rain. After hours of this, when the buses were near to stopping late at night, a driver got off her bus, knelt down beside me, and asked where I was headed, as she’d seen me there all evening. I told her I had nowhere to go. She told me to get on her bus. I said I had no money for the fair. One of her passengers paid it for me.

      I got on the bus, and the driver and a passenger who was an off duty firefighter (not the same one who paid for me) called all over the place, and found me a spot at Mercy House shelter for until I could return to school.

      I never saw any of those people again, and probably wouldn’t recognize them if I did, thanks to face blindness, but I am so grateful for all they did to help me that night.

  26. Laura H*

    To those of you who may be shopping for mother’s day gifts today: thank y’all in advance for your patience. I know the lines are long, but I know a lot of us are working as quick as we can to get y’all out with the gifts for your moms in a timely manner.

    Store was a busy madhouse yesterday- ah controlled chaos.

    Excited for burgers on a grill tomorrow to celebrate Mom and Grandma.

    Hope y’all have a great weekend!

  27. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    Due to popular demand-Powder/Granulated Seasonings, in order of deliciousness*

    Garlic
    Pepper
    Powdered sriracha
    Cayenne
    Onion
    Cinnamon
    Sea Salt
    Cocoa
    Red pepper flakes
    Cumin
    Curry
    Pecan
    Applewood
    Ginger
    Celery seed
    Chili Powder
    Black Garlic
    Hickory

    Literal Sand

    Poppy seed
    Paprika
    Mesquite

    Licking underneath the refrigerator

    Shallot Powder

    *seasoning blends and un-pulverized plants are excluded due to the infinite potential permutations preventing a thorough ranking

    FIGHT ME

    2. nep*

      I’m going to want to hear more about ‘Literal Sand.’

      The only ones I use are cinnamon, sea salt, turmeric, and black pepper. I’ll rank them all equal as they serve in different ways and all are great.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Your ranking system reminds me of the USSR. How are we supposed to fight properly if you won’t pick a team?

      1. Dopameanie*

        Not for grilling and drinks they aren’t. They are not as good as fresh, but they are able to blend and adhere much better.

        1. Paula, with Two Kids*

          Wait, what? Would love to know about drinks that use garlic.

          And sorry, I’m a dratted poppy seed lover! And Mesquite… necessary for any marinade. :)

          1. Dopameanie*

            You need garlic powder for any permutation of Bloody Mary’s, for a start!

            And poppy seeds will show up on a drug test. Don’t trust them. Those beady lil b***rds are gunning for your downfall. Never turn your back on a poppy seed.

            Mesquite is a substandard wood. Why use it when you can use pecan?

            1. The RO-Cat*

              “You need garlic powder for any permutation of Bloody Mary’s”

              Uh, sorry, but no. I hate with passion the fakeness, uglyness, shallowness of fancypants, spiced-up, celery-ed “Bloody Mary” tasteless long drink. If you’re strong enough have yourself 2/3 of a shot glass with pure tomato juice, add 1/3 of freezer-fresh vodka without mixing and bottoms up! That’s how you drink a proper Bloody Anything.

              1. Dopameanie*

                I am positive that is a recipe for a Bloody Nose.

                That’s what college kids drink to recover from a Saturday night bar fight and write a paper. While holding a bag of ice over one eye so the swelling will go down.

                Bloody MARYs on the other hand, require a bit more…care.

                1. The RO-Cat*

                  I’ve seen college kids try it. It was an ugly view. You need a stomach made of vibranium and the desperation of a cornered rat to go on after the first shot. Or to be me and like it.

                  But you also need a good Russian or Polish vodka straight from the freezer to pull this up and still live the day after.

      2. Dopameanie*

        I’m pretty sure the Parmesan cheese shakers at your local crappy chain pizza joint are filled with figurative sand, but I’m not willing to go there and eat it to confirm.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Trivia: Most of those are Swiss, mozzarella, or cheddar with cellulose made from wood pulp and don’t have any Parmesan in them at all. The cellulose won’t hurt you but you’re not getting what you think you’re getting.
          I buy a hunk of Parmesan and grate it myself.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Sadly, if you are using cheap dollar store stuff you are probably right. Garlic powder can go down in quality like a rock. I never go cheap on seasonings, toilet paper, or work boots. #wisdom

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      From whence comes this irrational hatred of shallot? Who hurt you, my friend? Who hurt you??

      (I did not know sriracha powder was a thing. I usually use the real stuff. And curry needs to go waaaaaaaayyyyy down the list, speaking of licking under the fridge.)

      1. Dopameanie*

        Uh….Big Shallot, obviously? It hurts us all. I’m just the only one paying attention.

      2. Red Reader*

        I use sriracha powder in place of red pepper flakes in just about everything that calls for them. Also my husband and housemate loooooove the stuff in scrambled eggs.

      3. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        I’ve got a seasoning mix of powdered sriracha and honey granules that is my New Favorite Thing. It’s like mixing honey and sriracha into a glaze, but with so much less work!

    6. TL -*

      Oh bless your little heart. What a sad list this is.

      If you’d been brought up properly – in Texas – you would understand the beauty of mesquite and poppy seed. Failing that, your parents should have at least tried to develop your taste buds in the South, so you could understand the joys of hickory, paprika, and pecan.

      But as it is, I can see you were brought up in the North and so all you can appreciate is an overbearing, borderline noxious assault of flavor, created by the overuse of garlic and sriracha as to hide a lack of skill and cuisine, because it’s the only things that can make your sad, shriveled little taste buds feel even the faintest glimmer of pleasure in their deadened souls.

      1. Dopameanie*

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U_W28jxJ-JA

        This song? This is you. This is what you sound like.

        Mesquite is oppressive and one-note, exactly like Texas in the summer. And I don’t really MIND hickory, if all the pecan is gone. Which would make sense, of course, since pecan is much better than hickory.

        But there is no joy in paprika. Much like dragonfruit, it’s a shallow beauty that hides an empty lack of flavor. A bland uselessness under the hood. Paprika is the spice rack equivalent of a Potemkin village.

        At least in the north (where we have all four seasons and know better than to abuse butter) we understand the value of alliums and the deep satisfaction one gets from a properly seasoned cut of meat.

        And I suspect that MY heart is in better shape than yours, since if you are eating southern cuisine you are gonna need triple bypass surgery before your kids get old enough to realize there are more Chile options in the world than ancho and jalapeño.

        1. TL -*

          Did you just accuse a native born Texican of not knowing her chilis?
          Them’s fighting words and if your laughable assertion that a Northerner could properly season meat hadn’t made me realize just how utterly miserable your culinary world actually is, I would have demanded satisfaction immediately, sirrah.

          As it is, there could be no satisfaction from besting one so wretched as you; instead, I shall pray for your taste buds, that they may accept the truth in their hearts in this life or the next.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Right. Sure. Like anyone who grew up marinating in sweet tea could ever stand a chance against us hardy midwestern types. You’d probably call a statewide emergency the same way you close down your highways when you get an inch of snowfall.

            If you are looking for satisfaction, you should leave Texas, head north, and enjoy a farm-fresh meal with vegetables on the plate picked from the backyard 20 minutes ago, and a chicken smoked with PECAN wood.

            And you can’t even PRETEND that Texas has the best chili game. You don’t even have the best chilis amongst your border started! Does Texas have a Texas Chile? Nope! New Mexico sure does, though.

            But you know what? You SHOULD pray for my taste buds. It is exhausting for them, being exposed to such awesome food so often. Such is the burden of those of us in the Midwest. But don’t worry, it’s not something you’ll have to worry about down in Texas.

    7. The RO-Cat*

      Ok. I’ll bite.
      A. For savory dishes:
      – sage
      – oregano
      – garlic & onion
      – tarragon
      – dill
      – turmeric
      – lovage leaves
      .
      .
      – wood dust
      .
      – any kind of pepper, gound or not

      B. Sweet dishes:
      – aniseed
      – cinnamon
      – poppy seeds
      .
      – vanilla
      .
      .
      – ginger

        1. The RO-Cat*

          Heat in food serves the same purpose as magic used to animate corpses: insuflate a seeming of life into long-gone, shriveled taste buds. On the other hand us, with live and sensitive taste buds, do not need any black magic to enhance the flavors. So, I need nothing on pizza, beside topping. WITH it, a glass of wine or a good stout works miracles, though.

          1. Dopameanie*

            So….like….chili, though. And roasted peppers? And salsa? I just….you are kinda blowing my mind with your denial of piquancy as an acceptable food enhancement.

            I bet this is what my husband would feel like if he went to a vegan restaurant.

            There is just this whole additional DIMENSION to food that you are saying NAH…

            Actually, no, you know what this really reminds me of? This kid in college who was a high achieving senior who had never done drugs of any sort. My other friends were flabbergasted at the entire world of pharmaceuticals that he had successfully avoided.
            Like, I’m trying to come up with fightin’ words, but…I think I just feel sorry for you?

            1. The RO-Cat*

              Oh, my heart goes out to you! You make me sad – so wrong, yet so unaware of it! Piquancy is NOT a “another dimension”. It is a mere “REPLACEMENT dimension”, only poorer, for the worlds of flavors you miss. Like when you look at a postcard of The Old Faithfull and believe it IS The Old Faithfull.

              I have a friend who is all gung-ho on piquancy: ground pepper, hot mustard, jalapenos… you name it, he’ll eat it. I care about him so much I even wanted to share with him one of my best Islay scotches I have, to teach him the majestic landscape of fine liquor. Sadly, all he felt was the bite of the alcohol and a bit of smokiness, such taste-bud-death was wreaked upon his palate by the foul, evil piquancy he claimed to enjoy.

              1. Dopameanie*

                1. After hearing about your Bloody Mary “recipe” I am skeptical you appreciate any alcohol other than grog.

                2. Do you avoid all foods with heat? Grilled jalapeño poppers? Salsa? Curry? Hot wings? Stir-fry? Tacos? Tortilla soup? Chili?! This seems so limiting. Your worldview is so….alien.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I’ve never used either, but what’s the difference between cacao and cocoa?

        1. nep*

          My understanding is the difference is in the processing–cocoa has been processed at high temperatures.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Well la-tee-dah.

        I have no experience with truffles, because I am not a 1%er.

        Be careful not to clutch those heirloom pearls too hard, I hear they can be delicate. I mean, I wouldn’t know (I don’t own any) but that’s what I’ve heard.

    10. PX*

      Lol. I love your controversial opinion corner, but I feel like I cannot contribute anything to this fight as my spice rack is small and humble..

      I’m curious though, what did Paprika ever do to you? Are we talking sweet, smoked or hot? Its such a useful one!

      I also did not know mesquite was a thing and now I must investigate.

      1. Dopameanie*

        If there is anything I’ve learned in my time on the Internet, it is that you don’t actually need to know what you are talking about in order to talk about it strenuously. Feel free to flip a coin to decide how you feel and then defend that feeling to the death. There is no need for humble behavior online.

        Anyway, I will NEVER forgive paprika for ruining my golden garden fresh creamy roasted turnip soup. It was beautiful, it was labor intensive, it was for my Fancy Pants dinner party, it dirtied most of my dishes…..

        And it was. SO. GROSS.

        Unlike that soup (which even the raccoons refused to eat, and instead got into the trash can that night) I am REAL salty about that.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          “I will NEVER forgive paprika for ruining my golden garden fresh creamy roasted turnip soup”

          That’s on you, not on paparika, though. Used wisely, a bit of smoked paprika imparts solidity, earthiness and a sense of camaraderie to stews, select cheeses, casseroles, but it takes a fine hand (and working taste buds) and courage. Your blaming paprika reminds me of my HS classmates blaming booze for the hangovers and headaches. Booze is good within reason; so is paprika.

          Ginger, on the other hand, is Universe’s punishment for humanity’s sins. Even nutmeg is better than that food and beverage toxin.

            1. Dopameanie*

              Okay, Cooking secret: a….uh….special friend I used to spend time with who is a professional chef taught me this one. The last step in making Alfredo sauce is the SMALLEST PINCH of cinnamon and nutmeg. So small that you think you can’t taste it, but suddenly your cheese sauce tastes…deeper? I was floored.

    11. GladesAllDay*

      You have apparently never had Everglades seasoning. This is a must try. You’ll love it.

          1. Rogue*

            It’s good on beef, chicken, pork, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and basically anything you might salt and pepper.

    12. HannahS*

      ExCUSE me but what is poppy seen doing so low on the list?! Haven’t you had hamentaschen? Or a poppy seed ring? Not the weak, petulant poppy seeds on a bagel–those are just there to get stuck in your teeth. But a rich filling of milled poppy seeds in a flaky pastry, where their subtle nuttiness is the star? Bliss. I made hamentaschen twice this year and they’re just heavenly.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I gave my poppy seed thoughts to Paula with the kids up thread, but to summarize:

        Poppyseeds = NEFARIOUS

        Don’t trust ‘em.

    13. Parenthetically*

      Excuse me where is coriander powder on this list, do you never make Indian food for crying out loud?!

      1. Dopameanie*

        I use whole coriander seeds, so I didn’t want to add them to a list of powders. Seemed like cheating.

        But no, I don’t cook Indian food often.

    14. Loopy*

      Sadly I only want to fight about the evils of rosemary and my love of Lawry’s. Alas, I can respect that there had to be limits. I’ll have to find someone else to fight about Rosemary with.

      But I did not know pecan and powdered siracha were seasonings.

      1. Dopameanie*

        You can make your own powdered sriracha! Spread a thin layer on parchment paper or a silicone cooking baking mat thing and then dehydrate. Super easy, VERY fancy looking, allows for more precision in flavor distribution and decoration.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Not a big cook, or whatever. But in no particular order, I tend to regularly use:

      –Sea salt
      –Hungarian paprika
      –Chili powder
      –Garlic powder (sprinkled on veggies or garlic butter toast; for cooking I use actual minced garlic)
      –Parsley flakes (mostly for color)
      –Mixed spice, which I made per an online recipe, to put in Welsh cakes
      –Cinnamon
      –Cayenne pepper
      –Black pepper
      –Red pepper flakes
      –Caraway seed (when I make kielbasa with bell peppers; it gives it a touch of weird sweetness)
      –Dill
      –Dried basil
      –Dried oregano
      –Nutmeg (on eggnog; I will make and drink eggnog any time of the year; fight me)

      I know you excluded blends but I will throw in a vote for Old Bay (excellent on avocado toast, or anything really).

  28. Em*

    Rockhound thread! Do you dig? Where’s your favorite place for digging? I’m wanting to schedule a trip out to the Georgia area, but I hear there’s great places in Washington.

    1. Rogue*

      Fellow rock hound here! Been all around NM, Arkansas, North Carolina, and Montana. I’d really love to go to Nevada and look for Opal!

    2. rubyrose*

      It’s been a very long time, but I’ve dug in the Mt. Ida / Jessiville Arkansas area a few times. Miss it.

  29. Cruciatus*

    Let’s talk TV! Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been the cancellation that hurt the most this brutal TV cancellation season. But then NBC picked it up. What the what?! Noice! I’m so glad I get to see this show for another season!

    I am bummed about Last Man on Earth which, of course, ended on a cliffhanger. Fox is being really weird this year axing so many things and then reviving, of all things, Last Man Standing (not meant offensively–but usually a show that’s been cancelled, let alone a year ago, does not get to come back). It’s a strange time in TV.

    I watched and liked The Mayor and Designated Survivor but find I’m not too bummed about their cancellations. What are you excited or bummed about?

    1. nep*

      I’d never heard of Brooklyn Nine-Nine before this morning–just a while ago saw a headline in the Guardian about its being picked back up after social media outcry.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I know humor is subjective–but I love it. I love all the characters. They are fleshed out and allowed to be smart and strong and weird and tough or any combination of those things. If you’re looking for something new, definitely try it!

        I can’t seem to convince many people who don’t watch to watch it. They seem to have an aversion to Andy Samberg but he does not take over the show and he’s just the right amount of “Andy Samberg” in this. He doesn’t get to win all the time and he’s not a doof all the time. His character is a team player. I’m really impressed with him in this. And it has Andre Braugher! I didn’t know how he’d be in a comedy but he’s wonderful. And the cold opens to this show are really something else!

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I’ll admit that Jake (Andy Samburg’s character) annoyed me a lot in the first season, but my BFF convinced me to keep going and I am so glad I did.

        2. Red Reader*

          My husband loves Brooklyn-99. I am not a fan at all, but I keep telling him that if they just made it the Andre Braugher and Terry Crews show and got rid of the rest of them, I might change my mind.

        3. Parenthetically*

          “He doesn’t get to win all the time and he’s not a doof all the time. His character is a team player.”

          YES. And he’s not just “goofball frat bro detective,” he’s actually a good cop, a loyal friend, and a very devoted boyfriend/fiance. He’s so much more well-rounded than he seems on the surface.

          And man you could not be more right about the cold opens, they crack me up EVERY TIME.

    2. Quake Johnson*

      Yesterday sure was brutal, wasn’t it?

      I haven’t lost anything I enjoy yet but still biting my nails over AoS and Criminal Minds.

    3. Meghan*

      I’m very bummed that CW decided not to pick up Wayward Sisters. I thought that one was a no-brainer–it’s got a built-in, excited fanbase!

      2. Quake Johnson*

        Personally I thought the concept was kind of ‘meh.’ I love seeing Jody and the girls in their biannual episodes but a whole show of them would get bland, I think.

        I’d still like to see some kind of SPN spinoff though.

      3. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

        I was so heartbroken they didn’t pick up Wayward Sisters. Now I’m just pissed off. What does a group of women have to do to get their own show? There was so much good buzz about it, even before the pilot episode aired. The CW really shot themselves in the foot with this decision.

    4. Lily Evans*

      The past two days sure were a roller coaster for B99, but I’m so happy it got snatched up so quickly! I woke up to the news that NBC had picked it up this morning and it was a great way to start the day.

    5. TV Researcher*

      I came here just to talk the Brooklyn Nine-Nine resurrection.

      Very exciting and it actually makes sense for the network, as Universal TV produces the show and both UTV and NBC fall under NBCUniversal.

    6. CAA*

      I’m also happy Brooklyn Nine-Nine got picked up. The things I kind-of liked that got axed were “Kevin (Probably) Saves the World” and “Life Sentence”. Kevin was just on the DVR to use as background noise while doing other tasks, so that’s no big loss; but Life Sentence had been growing on me and I was really starting to enjoy that one.

    8. Oxford Coma*

      WHAT?!?! I did not know B99 was picked up again. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. Husband and I only agree on three shows, and this was one of them!

    9. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Brooklyn nine-nine very rarely actually makes me laugh, but it’s good comfort-watching anyway. I’m glad it got picked up.

    10. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I don’t watch much TV, but one of the few shows I watch is NCIS, and I was really bummed to see Abby go. I know it was her choice to leave, but there should not be any such thing as NCIS without Abby. I really hope the ratings tank without her and the show is canceled quickly.

    11. Yami Bakura*

      As much as I love Rick and Morty and (for his art, not his personal characteristics) Dan Harmon, I’m reeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyyyyy doubtful of Harmon & crew’s ability to chug out 70 more episodes, even if it’s spread out over, say, 7 years. I don’t think they have that much material to work with, because I don’t think people are willing to put up with more than one season’s worth of exploration into Rick’s family life (although I do like the way S3 did it). And I don’t know how much nihilistic science fiction they can do without that getting old either. Plus I get the feeling that Harmon is noooooooooot really the most stable guy.

    12. CatCat*

      I am experiencing epic bummage about The Expanse being cancelled. I should just not watch shows anymore when they are on so I don’t have to be disappointed like this. I just love, love, love the show.

    13. Sami*

      Super bummed by the cancellation of Scorpion (CBS). I really liked it, even with some of it’s more wacky episodes. And the season (series) finale was a rotten cliffhanger.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, if Scorpion had to be canceled, at least they could have ended it on a good note instead of the way they did.

  30. meeting new people!*

    I need ideas on meeting new people and making new friends… Preferably ones that are single/childless…. I tend to connect with them better. I’m 30 years old and while I do drink, I am over the bar scene and want to do something beyond staying out late and going crazy.

    In the past year, I have lost a lot of local friends, a few moved away, one passed away and I am feeling lonely and need to expand my social circle.

    How did you meet your closest friends?

    1. OtterB*

      I met mine singing with a women’s barbershop chorus. Went as a guest on a whim 6 years ago and really enjoy it. Not only is it a great change of pace from my very analytical job, it’s a great bunch of women ranging in age from 20s to 80s (though we do skew a bit older).

      More broadly, a group for any kind of performing art that appeals to you?

    2. nep*

      Purely by ‘accident,’ when I wasn’t looking to make new friends. I’m well past my 30s. I’ve got a few close friend I’ve known for decades but as far as new–I’ve met them via the community-center-type setting I work in and in a class I teach. More meaningful relationships than I could ever have imagined having at this point, yet there you have it.
      I like the suggestion by OtterB to seek a group that’s linked to something that really interests you.

    3. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I had the same problem this year – I moved cross country and knew no one. What I did was join the local young professional group (I’m 26, not that much younger then you, and our group has people upwards of 30 as well) and went to a bunch of their functions. I also joined my library’s bookclub. Once I had a group of people I liked OK, I started making plans with them, which was hard and scary! It’s not easy to say to someone you’ve spoken to once that you enjoyed chatting and would love to get together again, but I made a point to do that and it worked out! We aren’t all besties, but that takes time!

      To boil it down, hunt through Facebook for local events, and go alone, and force yourself to talk to people.

    4. Em*

      I met all my close friends through hobby groups, so I definitely recommend it. There’s a built in activity so the pressure to make random conversation is minimized. I’m thinking things like music groups, movie clubs, book clubs etc. Check out your local Meetup.

      I will say, when I was younger a “close friend” was someone who I saw every week, talked with every day, we had all the same hobbies etc. Now that I’m older and busier a close friend is someone with a pulse that I talk to more than once a month :).

    5. FrontRangeOy*

      Community theater. My best friends are people I’ve met in there. Any decent community theater program has behind the scenes needs with props, tech booth, costumes, etc if **acting** isn’t your thing.

    6. hermit crab*

      Volunteering! Try to find something that you are genuinely excited to do, not something that you feel you “should” do (because it’s the “best” use of your donated time or whatever), and you will automatically be around people who are excited about similar things. That is how I met most of my local post-school/non-work friends, either because we volunteer together or they are the staff hosting/working with the volunteers.

      Also, don’t discount people in different life stages/demographic groups. I am a 30ish person without children, and I often find that I have more in common with the women my mother’s (or grandmother’s!) age that I volunteer with than my peers who have young children.

      1. meeting new people!*

        My currently small social circle does include people of all ages. I have a hard time relating to people with kids, so I have a couple friends with grown kids that are just a few years younger than me!

        I used to do a lot more volunteering, it’s just started to fade away… I should look back into it!

    7. matcha123*

      I met one of my closest friends at work. I wasn’t a local to that city and neither was she. When I moved last year, I made a friend at work. She was also from a different area, close to the city I’d moved from.

      I talk to the first friend weekly, but she lives on the other side of the country. And the second friend from work was transferred to another office a few months ago. We still meet occasionally. I’m in the same boat…very lonely here.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      Sixth form (basically junior/senior years of high school in the US). But whilst I wouldn’t call them ‘close’ yet – ie they’re not on the deep chat/intimate secrets level – I have made some really great new friends through Meetup, specifically a Harry Potter group. What’s been really helpful with that is that we set up a WhatsApp group for regular members where we chat outside meetups, and then people have posted things they’d like to do and sent a group invitation (eg ‘I’m thinking of going to see this film at the weekend, would anyone like to come?’), which makes it less scary than asking people individually.

  31. Sapphire*

    Daniel Kaluuya appreciation thread, anyone? (Potential SPOILERS for Black Mirror, Get Out, Black Panther, and possibly Infinity War, but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum).

    I first saw him in Black Mirror and was really struck by his performance in that. I mainly saw Get Out because he was the lead, though Jordan Peele did an amazing job writing and directing. How did you become aware of Daniel Kaluuya?

    1. nep*

      Learned of him when I started reading about Get Out and looking at a bunch of scenes. Stunning actor–I’ll have to see more of him. He’s amazing. (Also very much appreciated his take in a couple of interviews I watched.)

    2. hollow exuviae*

      Psychoville! He’s a fab straight man to Steve Pemberton’s oddball comedy character. I was so pleased he got the widespread recognition he deserved after Get Out.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I saw him in Black Mirror first, then Get Out, and then Black Panther. He’s so cute in Get Out. I mean, that movie scared the hell out of me, but his character is just adorable, which made me even more invested in his safety. Interestingly, I also saw Letitia Wright (Shuri) in Black Mirror for the first time.

      I looked for him in Infinity War, but he’s not in it. I do expect to see him in the Black Panther sequel and will be disappointed if I don’t, particularly given that they should deal with W’Kabi taking sides against T’Challa and the romantic connection with Okoye.

  32. Not My Normal Name*

    I posted last week asking about how to know if you’re having an emotional affair or not. I wanted to update everyone who took the time to respond.

    Work BFF did something that made his interest in me undoubtedly clear, and I haven’t talked to him since then. I realized I was being naive/in denial and he was never really my friend, but was biding his time. I also found out he lied to me about having a girlfriend, which was part of the reason I thought he was uninterested in me as more than a friend.

    I took Lehigh’s suggestion and told Spouse about the last time I talked to Work BFF (which I had not mentioned and felt guilty about). Spouse and I have had more than one discussion on this matter and decided that I was not having an emotional affair, but Work BFF was having one with me, but I definitely could have had better boundaries (something I’m working on).

    Finally, despite all the stress we’ve been under, Spouse and I have been better at making more time for relaxation together, which has helped a lot.

    1. Anona*

      This is such a positive update! I’m so glad you and your spouse are communicating about this.

      1. Not My Normal Name*

        Thank you. :) I’m happy Spouse and I are now on the same page about this.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      This is a great update! I’m sorry to hear that your Work BFF was not so much of a friend as you thought though.

    3. HannahS*

      That sounds really positive! Good for you. I know that creepy crawly feeling of discovering someone’s been having a relationship with you that you’re not having with them. It’s not great. I’m glad you and Spouse are making time for each other!

      1. Not My Normal Name*

        Thanks. :) “Creepy crawly” is a great way to describe it. I feel a bit skeeved out as it made me feel used. And, Work BFF didn’t ring the Nice Guy alarm bells, either. Oh, well…

        1. Triple Anon*

          Ugh. It’s so disappointing when someone you thought was nice turns out to be something else. I always think I can trust my instincts about people, but sometimes you’re wrong. Shame on Work BFF. Good for you and your spouse! I’m glad things turned out positively.

    4. Lehigh*

      Yikes! Work BFF sounds like a lying creepy creeper–“biding his time” is a very gross thing for him to have done. I’m sorry you had to go through that with someone you thought was a good friend.

      Good for you for how you’ve been handling it and I’m glad that you and Spouse are doing better.

  33. bearing*

    How do you politely and lightly correct people in quasi-social situations who call you “Mrs. Lastname” when you don’t want to be a Mrs.? And when is it not worth it to bother?

    I prefer Ms. to Mrs. (and incidentally I have a PhD and *could* be Dr. and secretly I’d much rather be that because gender-neutral but fear it sounds pretentious to use it at all). I have spent years not correcting people and I am trying to get up the nerve to assert myself about how I don’t want to be called.

    I don’t work in a title-using place. This is social. I mostly get it in mixed groups of parents and children; when I answer the phone; in writing; and sometimes when I am sought out by someone who knows my spouse better than they know me, so they aren’t sure how to pronounce my first name. I need a script because I feel super awkward. I don’t want to imply that anyone who uses Mrs. and likes it is wrong, and I am truly at sea about whether I should or shouldn’t express a preference for Dr. over Mrs. (Ms. is ok I guess).

    1. MissingArizona*

      Regardless of the “Ms.” or “Mrs.”, you earned a PhD, I’d rock “Dr.” in every situation. You earned that, so you shout it from the rooftops!

      But I don’t think it would be weird to just say you prefer “Ms.”. And if it’s just too awkward to bring up, and it’s purely social, I’d just ignore it. There’s so many rules about when/how to use those prefixes, that nobody gets them right anyway.

      1. bearing*

        But how do you say it?

        “Makayla, Jack, say hello to Mrs. Lastname.”

        [to little Makayla and Jack] “Hello! Oh, I’m not Mrs. Lastname. You can call me Dr. Lastname.”

        Is that… ok? I feel like it sets a good example for Makayla and Jack [look, kids! you can assert your wish to be called what you want!] but feels awkward with respect to my acquaintance their parent.

        Or on answering the phone: “Hello, is this Mrs. Lastname?”

        Current Me, wondering if it’s someone trying to get me to donate money or if it’s someone I know that’s unusually formal on the phone: “May I ask who’s calling?”

        New Me: “This is Dr. Lastname.”

        Does that work? Will people assume I am a jerk? Does it matter? Should I push through the “I’m being a jerk” feeling because people exploit that to deny others titles they’ve earned or pronouns they identify with?

        1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

          I don’t think it comes off as jerky. If you want to soften it slightly, in the example with Makayla/Jack, you could say something like, “Hi Jack, I go by Dr. Lastname.” Then continue on by asking how they’re doing or whatever. I think these things seem more of a big deal if they are conversation stoppers, but they can be added in breezily and you continue on.

          Correcting from “Miss” or “Mrs.” to “Ms.” when speaking is pretty hard, especially for kids. They sound similar and students interchange them (I taught school and have heard it all), but correcting to Dr. is usually pretty easy.

          1. bearing*

            I will have to work on replacing my apologetic/nervous awkwardness with breeziness. That’s a good point, to be ready to move the conversation right along so it doesn’t become *about* that. It feels more weighty for me internally because I feel so unsteady about it. (Who am I, anyway?)

        2. Natalie*

          I always just go with “oh, it’s actually [Name]”, whether for an unwanted nickname, Mrs., or wrong last name.

    2. TL -*

      I would just smile and say “Actually it’s Ms. Lastname” in response.

      You can go by Dr but outside of academia it’s going to be read as confusing and/or pretentious.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yeah, I think the tone here is key and not exactly the phrasing. If you smile and make it seem like it’s not a big deal but just information, it’ll probably be fine. If you make it seem as if you’re deeply offended, it’s more likely to catch the person off guard and make her overly defensive or overly apologetic.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      I am a married woman with a PhD as well, and I don’t think it’s pretentious to prefer the title Dr. You spent a lot of time, and expended no small amount of effort to get your degree. Don’t feel bad about owning it! Our situations may be a bit different, though Since I got my PhD before I got married I decided not to change my last name, so I don’t generally get called Mrs.

      But really, even if it feels awkward in the moment, just tell people what you prefer and most of the time it will go perfectly smoothly.

      1. Chameleon*

        Yes, this! I usually just go by my first name, but if someone really wants to use my last name I just lightly say “Actually it’s Dr. Chameleon. How is topic we were discussing?” I don’t think it comes off as pretentious if your tone isn’t snooty. Say it like you’d correct someone mispronouncing your name and it’s fine.

        1. Chameleon*

          In a social situation, I would ask them to call me by my first name. That includes kids; I find making kids call adults by last names is kind of authoritarian.

          If someone is going to insist on using my last name, I’m going to insist on the right way to use it.

          1. bearing*

            I don’t mind kids calling me by my first name if they know me, but I’m also ok with kids using titles for adults. I usually defer to their parents’ cues.

        2. Southernbelle*

          In a social situation, if the person has annoyed me, I say “It’s Dr. Southernbelle, but please call me Jane.” If they haven’t annoyed me (my kids’ teachers!) I let it go.

          I live in (obviously) the South so there are complex and unwritten rules about what everyone calls everyone else, especially children, depending on their relationship and their parents’ relationship with the addressee, but if someone wants to call someone by their last name, the correct title isn’t rude. (That whole thing about “PhDs don’t use Dr. socially” is, at least here, incorrect. It may be traditional but so are a lot of other things I reject!)

    4. Lady Jay*

      I’m starting my PhD this fall, and when I get it, I fully intend to be called Dr!!

      Right now, as a single woman in higher education, I prefer my title to be Ms. Because I’ve been working at a small institution with a number of single people, my title is often spelled out Miss, which I hate. Takes me back to being “Miss Lady Jay,” a 16-year-old camp counselor at the church camp I went to growing up. Ms is more professional and is staked on my individuality, not my marital status. I can see how Mrs. could have similar connotations to Miss. Go for what you want!

      1. bearing*

        Thank you for the vote of confidence and best wishes on starting your doctoral studies!

    5. Temperance*

      I would gently correct people. It’s not pretentious to be called doctor; you earned it! Plus, it’s great for little kids to see a woman who is known as “doctor” rather than “Mrs.”. It’s nice for both girls and boys to see women as more than just accessories to men. (Full disclosure, I have a different last name than Booth, and it delights him to no end to introduce his wife, Temperance Brennan.)

      I don’t call anyone Mrs. unless they are an elderly woman.

      1. hermit crab*

        Plus, it’s great for little kids to see a woman who is known as “doctor” rather than “Mrs.”

        That is a great point! You’re not being pretentious, you’re working toward a better society.

        I also did not change my last name when I got married (tbh, mostly due to laziness and not liking my husband’s last name rather than for philosophical reasons, but still) and the only person who is allowed to call me “Mrs. Husbandslastname” is my 92-year-old feminist grandma, who does it in a super-tongue-in-cheek way. :)

    6. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      If someone introduced themself as doctor so-and-so, I’d expect them to be an MD. Sure, a PhD is also a doctor, but not for social titles, so much.

        1. Ann O.*

          The professors I know have all used Dr. both socially and professionally. I do notice that the people I know with Ph.D.s who work out of academia do not tend to use Dr.

        2. Tea, please*

          I’m in education and people with Ed.Ds are referred to as Dr. professionally. Ed.Ds are much less rigorous than Ph.Ds (fighting words?) and I always find it telling who uses Dr. when they have and Ed.D. (I’m planning on starting an Ed.D in a couple of years–we’ll see if I’ll be eating my words)

    7. Sled dog mama*

      For me if you suddenly started correcting every one to Ms from Mrs I’m gonna wonder when the divorce is final. I was taught growing up that Miss was never married, Mrs was married or widowed, and Ms was divorced. Having learned that as a child I now call everyone Ms because its marital status neutral just like Mr (if someone tells me they prefer something else I’ll happily use that but I default to Ms).
      I only have my masters (in Physics so a lot of people assume I must have a PhD) and if I had earned a PhD you can bet everyone would call me Dr both because I earned it and because of how great it would be for little girls to to see/hear that.
      It used to be that Dr was only used socially by an MD but I think it’s about time that went the same way as the strict definition of who uses Miss/Ms/Mrs

      1. Ferry Fairy*

        I’d never ever heard that Ms specifically signified divorce until I lived in the Southern US. So not sure how try that still is!

        1. Lehigh*

          I think sometimes people associate it that way because it seems like the only sensible option for a divorced woman? (Mrs. Husbandslastname is right out, and Miss sounds wrong somehow too.)

      2. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Ms is equivalent of Mr, not divorced. I’ve been Ms while single and married and I’ll continue while divorced :)

      3. bearing*

        I’m definitely thinking of the little girls—I volunteer in a youth org for girls and their policy is to have adults use Title-Lastname in front of the girls, partly to help reinforce boundaries for youth protection reasons. So there I *definitely* want to be Dr. Lastname.

        How do I correct people who have known me a while but I’ve never corrected them before? I feel like I will need to defuse/acknowledge that I am making a change.

        There’s a lesson here for all the people who are planning to pursue a doctoral degree: If you would like to be called “Dr.,” start using it right away while you’re still feeling motivated by pride in your recent accomplishment! Don’t wait 14 years to assert yourself and feel weird about it like me!

    8. Ferry Fairy*

      You get to choose! And I think it’s excellent and appropriate to enforce use of Dr. with kids. I don’t use mine, but not really
      sure why (it may be because I work in healthcare and have a clinical (non MD) doctorate and it just gets confusing) and I also don’t really know any children.

      I think the judgement about enforcing the use of Dr. is that it’s often about demanding the use of honorifics, versus the Dr. itself. If you wouldn’t insist that I call you Mr. or Mrs. in the situation, don’t insist I call you Dr. THOSE are the people I side eye.

      Over 50% of the people I work with have doctorates, including MD, Doctorates of Pharmacy and Nursing, PhD psychologists and non clinical PhDs. We call each other by our first names, but I introduce them in the professional setting with their honorific. And I would introduce them to kids this way.

      1. bearing*

        So, I would never *insist* on people using a title unless (a) I was feeling particularly frosty toward them or needed to emphasize “we aren’t on a first bame basis;” or (b) in the all-too-common situation where the men are getting introduced as Dr. Scientist and a woman gets introduced as “Katie”.

        It’s more that if someone happens to call me by Mrs., I just don’t like it, it feels like not-me, and I have had such a hard time asserting myself about it.

    9. TheLiz*

      My mother used to say “I damned well got my PhD, so nobody gets to call me ‘Ms.'”. I rather think that the same sentiment applies here – you have a PhD, you EARNED a PhD, so nobody gets to have title confusion. Note the correction and move on, and if anyone thinks it’s pretentious then that’s too bad for them!

    10. Sue Donym*

      I’m also a married woman with a PhD who did not change my last name (PhD came before marriage in my case anyway). So I’m Dr or Ms Mylastname at work or for legal purposes, OR Mrs Hislastname socially and for things related to my kids (schools, their doctors, activities, etc). I could use Dr for the last category but it seems kind of irrelevant for random people to know. And when it’s irrelevant in a social context, I think it risks coming across as pretentious (insisting on being called Doctor whether MD or PhD).

      1. bearing*

        It’s definitely a risk. Part of why I feel weird about it — and never used it even immediately after finishing my doctorate — is that I grew up with an embarrassingly overbearing PhD of a father who insisted on being called “Dr” by everyone and bragged he would get better seats in restaurants if he made the reservation under Dr. Hislastname. I don’t want to be like him — but I don’t want to let my fear of being like him control me, either.

    11. Tea, please*

      The culture in the school where I work is to call any married teacher Mrs. I have never before been called Mrs. And I kept my name. During new staff orientation, mentor teachers lead a session. These teachers told us not to push back on the way things are done in our first year. Generally good advice for a new professional, but the way it was delivered made the district sound like a cult. I was blind-sighted by the use of Mrs. I thought I had misheard for a while, but then saw an email from the principal referring to me as Mrs. I thought “so this is a thing”. Didn’t push back given the warning the mentor teachers gave. I’m still Mrs. and hate it that my marital status is the first thing people see/hear.
      I’m very happy to be leaving this district for a much more progressive one.

  35. Minime*

    If you were hanging out in your office and realized that, every time you click a certain pen, the person nearest to you would shrink down to just 2 inches tall…How would you use your newfound powers?

    4. Epsilon Delta*

      I would visit everyone’s cube and click the pen until everyone was 4’11” like me!

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        Ah, damn, reading comprehension. I thought they would shrink by two inches each time you clicked the pen… not shrink to be two inches tall.

        Maybe I would visit everyone’s cube regardless. There is at least one person who I would visit!

  36. Detective Amy Santiago*

    NBC HAS RESCUED BROOKLYN NINE NINE

    I was all prepared to start a mourning thread today for my show. Now we can celebrate!

    1. Namast'ay in Bed*

      Yaaaaaaaas!!!!!! Thank god, it’s such an amazing show, I have no idea why fox decided to cancel it in the first place.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Because they suck.

        It’s seriously one of the best shows on television. The humor is smart and they weave in dealing with serious topics in a non-heavy handed way.

        1. Nicole76*

          FOX doesn’t suck, the American viewing public does (which is why Jersey Shore is still a thing). I doubt they’d cancel a show that was pulling in the ratings. Not enough people appreciate the show, unfortunately. I too am glad NBC picked it up because it’s currently my #1 favorite show. I went back and binge-watched all the earlier seasons before this latest one and I think my appreciation for it grew even more.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Is this only place to watch this Hulu? I hear such good things about it, and I’d like to watch it – but currently I have Netflix/Prime, not Hulu.

      Also, FWIW, Fox also cancelled Firefly. Fox has a history of cancelling tremendous shows.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Yeah, Hulu is the only streaming service where you can watch B99. It’s definitely worth it. Even if you just do the free trial and binge it :)

    3. CanadianUniversityReader*

      Canadian netflix also has Brooklyn Nine-nine. I really love the show and it’s great being able to binge.

  37. Namast'ay in Bed*

    Something I feared for years happened to me – I just found out I’m lactose intolerant :’-(

    I know I’m being dramatic and it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I loooove dairy and now it means I’m practically a vegan at this point, since I was already vegetarian and don’t like seafood or eggs. I have absolutely nothing against vegans or veganism, it just isn’t something I was interested in, I know it takes a lot more effort to navigate the world and eat properly. It was already hard enough being vegetarian sometimes, I’m just apprehensive about how it will go since a lot of vegetarian options have dairy in them.

    Either way, I guess there’s always lactaid. The only bright side in this is that after months and months of feeling sick and miserable I finally feel better.

    Not sure if anyone has any advice on navigating a dairy-free lifestyle, but it feels good to vent about something that seems like it’s worrying me more than it should.

    1. nep*

      Have you tried any of the nut milks at all (cashew, almond…)?
      If you like ice cream, ‘nice’ cream made from frozen/slightly thawed bananas (with any kind of flavouring you wish–cinnamon, other fruits, etc) is A.MA.ZING.
      I get that nothing can really satisfy the same way as dairy when you’re used to dairy. But I really think you’ll adapt more quickly than you even expect.
      Great that you’re feeling better.
      All the best

    2. Casca*

      I have a couple of in-laws who are lactose-intolerant but they just use lacteeze and are fine when they want to eat dairy.
      One of them is vegetarian as well- they do lots of Indian cooking!

    3. Sylvan*

      I’m lactose intolerant, too. Don’t worry about it! It’s not a big deal! Now that veganism and ~clean eating~ are trendy, we have more options. :)

      A couple of things:

      1. Different dairy products contain different amounts of lactose. You might not have to give up all dairy products. For example, a lot of lactose intolerant people can eat aged cheese like parmesan or cheddar. A lot of us can eat other cheese in small amounts, or yogurt, or ice cream.

      2. Like nep said, there are plenty of good ice cream alternatives. Almond and cashew milk ice cream are good. Ben & Jerry’s even makes them. I can also throw in another vote for “nice cream.” Chloe’s banana/chocolate pops are probably as close to a fudgsicle as you can get without dairy.

      3. If you like milk in your cereal or milk/cream in coffee, you are going to need to find a non-dairy alternative like soy, almond, or cashew milk. But you can also get used to those foods without milk. It’s not as bad as it sounds.

      4. If you have kids, they might also be lactose intolerant. Does anyone have an upset stomach a little too often?

      5. At restaurants, yeah, you might find that there is a little bit of dairy in everything. But ordering “X without the cheese” or “Y salad with Z dressing instead of Y” is normal enough that you could still have about as many options as you do now as a vegetarian. I have never had trouble.

      1. Sylvan*

        I realize “it’s not as bad as it sounds” isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for black coffee, but really, I mean that I understand how it does seem gross when you’re used to drinking coffee with milk. Black coffee actually grew on me quickly. Now milk in coffee seems gross to me, lol.

        1. nep*

          Same–for a long time I didn’t think I could do coffee without cream (and a sweetener for that matter). Now I love black coffee–wouldn’t want to drink it any other way.

      2. fposte*

        You can also get lactose-free milk pretty easily now in most supermarkets. Additionally, if you’re a maker of things, you can get the lactase *drops* (not the capsules) on Amazon, which you can use to treat dairy yourself; it requires a 24-hour wait to break it down, but it’s more reliable than the capsules, and you can treat whatever liquidy dairy you want (so you can make lactose-free ice cream).

    5. Ali G*

      Goat and sheep’s milk don’t have lactose – enjoy goat cheese, pecorino and my favorite – Manchego! Also Feta – just make sure it says it’s goat/sheep. A lot of feta in the US is actually made from cow’s milk – so check.
      Also you might find that things like Greek yogurt or cottage cheese that has probiotics are tolerable. As others mentioned, you might still be able to eat certain dairy foods. For me, I can’t drink milk or eat ice cream or things with heavy cream. But as I like to say – the farther I get away from the cow, I find I can tolerate more.
      I also buy Lactaid milk to cook with for things like mac n cheese and it works great.
      It’s not the end of the world!!

      1. fposte*

        Goat’s and sheep’s *milk* does have lactose, to be clear; it’s that most hard cheeses, whether from cows or something else, get rid of the lactose with the whey. (If you want a list of the least lactose-y cheeses, the Orthodox Union site’s list of cheeses that don’t require waiting before you eat meat doubles as the cheese with lowest lactose.)

      2. Cristina in England*

        I’m lactose intolerant and we have goat’s milk and yogurt. I don’t know the science behind it but goat’s and sheep’s milk/ewe’s milk products are much easier to digest. Goat’s milk is really mild tasting so though you might detect a different taste you’ll quickly get used to it.

        FWIW, I can still have regular ice cream after a meal just not on an empty stomach. But the goat’s milk ice cream I can get here is delicious anyway.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      If you’re a milk drinker and don’t want to give that up, Fairlife milk is good. It’s lactose free, half the sugar and twice the protein. It’s ultra filtered milk. I use it everyday and it tastes like regular milk. I’m not lactose intolerant, but I have to limit my sugar intake. My husband suspects he is lactose intolerant so he uses it when he has cereal and he doesn’t have the same…issues…he would if he used regular milk.

    8. OperaArt*

      I found out the same thing a few months ago. Lactose-free milk is available in many stores. Lactaid works pretty well for me—it might for you, too. Many cheeses don’t seem to cause problems.

    9. Namast'ay in Bed*

      Thanks everyone for the advice and support! I’ve been dabbling in almond and soy milk, I’ll be sure to check out fairlife milk. I “fortunately” gave up coffee when I was trying to figure out my stomach issues so I won’t have to worry too much about giving up cream in my coffee. I’m so glad to hear that there’s still some hope for eating some cheese! I tried the substitutes and they’re not bad, but they definitely aren’t the same. Ben and Jerry’s non dairy is definitely good, I’ll have to give Halo a try!

      No kids so it’s just me, my fiancé has been very supportive in all this and he loves cooking so I’m sure he sees this as an opportunity to get creative with new recipes. Thanks again everyone, I’m definitely feeling better about this.

      1. C*

        Also, Native Forest makes a powdered coconut milk that makes a great coffee creamer – especially if you don’t have access to refrigeration/when traveling. I usually buy it from vitacost’ s website or a natural grocery store.

      2. Cat*

        Coconut Bliss is another brand of non-dairy ice “cream” that’s actually very tasty as long as you don’t mind the taste of coconut. I think that their chocolate hazelnut flavor is great!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I also get coconut milk ice cream. I would continue eating it even if I did not have to anymore. It’s very rich and such a treat.

          OP, I have been with out dairy for years now and I don’t miss it. I thought it would be hard but it was actually one of the easier things I have had to give up. YMMV, of course, but just trying to pass along an encouraging word.

      3. Unacademic*

        Try lactose free milk! I resisted it for a long time thinking it would taste weird, but nope, the typical brands (Lactaid, grocery store brands) taste just like milk but a touch sweeter. It’s not processed in any weird way either. All they do is use the lactase enzyme (which your own body has stopped producing) to split the lactose into its constituent sugars glucose and galactose.

        You might be able to eat yogurt, because the yogurt making process breaks down lactose (how much is broken down can vary). If not, you can make your own lactose free yogurt. I found a recipe online, and while it took longer than it said, it did work!

        Lactase pills can help a lot too. Again, those are just lactase enzyme – as far as I know, there’s no harm to taking more if you find one or two don’t do it for you. I take them when I want ice cream or soft cheeses or food covered in cream sauce. I’m also vegetarian, by the way, and I’ve found cooking with butter and covering my pasta in Parmesan are still fine for me (of course, everyone’s a little different when it comes to this). And I’ve been eating more and more dairy again as I’ve gotten a better sense of what and how much I can tolerate.

      4. tangerineRose*

        If you like pepperjack cheese, the non-dairy versions are kind of decent because the pepperjack taste is strong enough to overpower the not-quite-cheese taste somewhat.

    10. tangerineRose*

      I’m a vegetarian who tried going dairy free a couple of times, and it was tough! I hope it’s easier for you!

    11. Loopy*

      Reading your post was a crazy experience for me because I absolutely could have written it down to every word. I was having issues back in January and finally when I saw doctor in February, we discussed it and I have been coming to terms with it since. And yes, it is a big lifestyle adjustment and you are allowed to be sad!

      I find carrying a small bottle of lactaid pills in my purse helps me feel less anxious about being out and about and not having dairy alternatives. I find even with lactaid pills- they only go so far with super cheese heavy meals. If I really eat a ton of pizza I won’t be *as* sick but I’ll still be gassy and bloated. If I eat less, I’m really mostly fine. But who wants to eat less pizza?! Still, I’ve figured out at least what I can expect.

      I switched to almond milk in my cereal, overnight oats, and coffee and it took only about a week for it to not even be noticeable. I think powering through a week may help with settling on an alternative.

      I also find with harder cheeses in moderation, I can be pretty okay (like parmesan on pasta). Overall, it took some trial and error and it’s okay to be sad because it’s a pain in the butt and OMG CHEESE AND ICE CREAM. Seriously, I am here to take this journey with you. Don’t let anyone shame you for being super sad.

    12. Gatomon*

      Well you can go dairy-free, or you can just go on as normal with some assistance. You can buy lactose-free milk — it’s actual milk too! Obviously it will be much more expensive than typical milk, but if you can’t live without it, go for it. I was never a milk drinker (found out as a kid) but I do use it to cook with.

      You can also buy those lactaid pills in bulk for huge savings. Amazon has Kirkland Brand for ~$40 and it nets you about 360 pills. I just keep a few in my wallet. I can tolerate butter and yogurt just fine, and small amounts of cheese without the pills, but not regularly. Ice cream and milk I need to use the pills for or else.

      Every few years I have encountered a “bad batch” of the pills when buying smaller amounts in the store, but I haven’t had any trouble with bulk-buying online.

    13. Chaordic One*

      Lots of people have mentioned Lactaid, lactose-free milk and various nut milk substitutes.

      A few weeks ago a commenter said that she had a dairly allergy, but that she was not allergic to the lactose in milk and was, instead, allergie to the casein (a protein) in milk. I recently ran across a milk brand called “a2 milk” that has a casein A1 protein removed from it. It is supposed to be good for people who have casein allergies. If you google it, you can go to their website.

    14. DrWombat*

      FWIW, I was lactose-intolerant for 2 years before my celiac diagnosis (it was probably early stage celiac and I just didn’t notice, tbh). Almond “milk” and pretty much everything from Califia Farms is awesome, but also Coconut Bliss ice cream is fantastic (if you like coconut flavored stuff, which I quite do). Daiya’s dairy-free stuff is really good, and soyfree which is good if you avoid soy like I have to, but I found that some of the cashew “cream cheese” was also very tasty. Earth Balance also makes some good butter substitutes.

      Cabot Cheddar has some lactose-free varieties as well, and their cheddar is fantastic. Really a lot of it is figuring out your own limits, but there are options out there! Cheering you on from here, and don’t ever feel bad for asking/double checking if there is dairy in stuff at potlucks/restaurants. You have to look out for you. ^^ Best of luck!

    15. Public Health Nerd*

      If you’re into cooking check out the Post Punk Kitchen blog by Isa Chandra – awesome vegan recipes that will teach you how to replace the creaminess in your own recipes.

      I love making an awesome bechamel or cheese sauce dupe using a fakeo butter/flour roux, then soy or almond milk, then nutritional yeast for desired levels of cheesiness. I also recently discovered that mainstream pizza joints care not at all if you order pizza with no cheese. Then you can add dairy free cheese if you care, or enjoy your nekkid pizza if you don’t.

  38. Laura H*

    One more shift stands between me and a nice Sunday off. Looking forward to burgers on the grill as we host grandma for our biweekly Sunday meal thing that just happens to nicely coincide with Mother’s Day.

    After I get home this evening, the restroom needs some tlc and elbow grease and I gotta see if I can squeeze in a load of laundry- small load- outerwear needed for this week’s shifts, a few t shirts and underwear.

    And I gotta make a list for somebody else to go shopping.

    Have a great weekend.

  39. nep*

    Choose your N.
    Are you constantly fixated on what’s Next? Or are you living in the moment and enjoying the Now?
    Really–Now.
    It’s all we ever have.

    1. nep*

      (Not really a matter of ‘choosing.’ Just thinking aloud about how important it is not to miss the Now in endless pursuit of bigger, better Nexts.)

    2. Weird Science*

      That sounds a bit too pop-psych-y to me. It’s a false dilemma. Both are important – I need to think about what’s Next to plan, set goals and know where I’m going so that the Now means something. Being in the Now only works if I am not anxious/scared of what’s Next. Living in the moment is all very well, but it can leave you adrift in Never.

      1. nep*

        I see that. I don’t say this as a prescription or the like. Just thinking aloud…I’ve found that I would talk a lot about ‘living in the moment’ but when I really did that it was different, and powerful.
        ‘False dilemma’ is why I added that I don’t really mean to ‘choose’ between the two. It’s just easy to lose the power of Now when we are hanging on expectations.

    3. SAHM*

      I mostly think about food. Eating food, preparing food, buying food, planning food, cleaning up after food. Right now I’m waiting for food.

  40. MissingArizona*

    I’m going to Kauai tomorrow!!!! I am so excited! I’m going with my SIL, and meeting her mom and aunt. It is going to be SO MUCH FUN! Our husbands have to take care of everything by themselves, so I need everyone to pray for the dogs and (her) kids. But I am so excited for this!

    *The island we’ll be on is fine, no active eruptions, or earthquakes, so far.*

    1. It’s all good*

      My favorite place on earth! I know North Shore got the brunt of the storm but hopefully you can spend some time or if not all of your time there. Enjoy!

      1. MissingArizona*

        We’re on the other side of that island. The “grown-ups” got there yesterday, and said everything is looking great!

  41. Thursday Next*

    I remain unconvinced of the charms of cauliflower “rice.”

    I like cauliflower. I like rice. It seems to me that pulsing the former and calling it the latter is an insult to both. (At least, in my experience preparing and eating it.)

    But I’m open to persuasive arguments from the AAM crowd.

    1. nep*

      I always thought of that as simply a name because of the form cauliflower takes when broken up like that–not as any kind of replacement for rice. No comparison as far as taste.
      I LOVE ‘riced cauliflower’ (that’s how it is on the package at Trader Joe’s) but the severe bloating and discomfort I get after eating it isn’t worth it. I was probably having too much at once. Anyway stopped buying it. Great way to get veg if your gut is OK with it.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I had it yesterday, and it was ok, but I was starving after work. Carbs just help me feel fuller, I think. Plus too much crucifereous does not make me happy, so if I just have more I’d feel pretty gross.

    3. Ali G*

      I actually like it better than rice (but I don’t really like rice). For me, it’s also the added fiber that’s helpful, since my husband is pretty much anti-veg.
      Last night I make pizza with a frozen cauliflower crust and surprisingly we both liked it!

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I tried it as an alternative to rice. I absolutely knew going into it that’s not “rice” and won’t taste like rice. And I always spurned cauliflower, because it makes me think of brains. I bought a bag of the Trader Joe’s riced cauliflower and made a fried “rice” recipe with it, and it was delicious. I wouldn’t make it often, though, mainly because my husband won’t eat it and it will go to waste–I had weight loss surgery and I just can’t eat it up fast enough before it goes bad.

    6. Tris Prior*

      I’m with you – cauliflower rice is a poor substitute for the real thing.

      Not as horrifyingly bad as cauliflower pizza crust, though. Tried one of Trader Joe’s crusts. YUCK.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      the first time I made it? No way.

      I gave it another try this winter, but by frying it first and adding some seasoning and OH and I both LOVED it. Too many carbs make my tummy hurt and this was filling and went with whatever we were eating very well. I would pulse up a bunch and portion it out into bags and freeze to make it easy to make some up when needed. I think the trick is to use it with foods that have strong spices – jambalayas, chili, spicy shrimp, etc.

      That being said, I don’t think would expand anytime soon into pizza crusts and the like with it. And I dont really enjoy cauliflower on its own.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I don’t like it as the focus of a meal, but it’s just fine as a side, especially for something saucy. I made a coconut chickpea curry and served it with cauliflower rice that I sautéed in coconut oil. Very tasty! I’ve also had it with Trader Joe’s orange chicken too.

    9. Alianora*

      I like it. It’s not the same as rice at all, but I appreciate it for what it is. It’s like vegetarian soy-based dishes that call themselves meat substitutes. They don’t really taste like meat at all to me, but if you go in without expecting them to be meat, some of them are actually pretty tasty.

    10. CAA*

      I’m with you. I like cauliflower and find no need to call it rice, which I also like.

      It’s kind of like the vegan cheese sauce that’s made from cashews. If they didn’t call it cheese, I’d like it just fine, but as soon as you put the word cheese in my mind and then give me something that does not taste like cheese, I’m just going to be disappointed.

    11. Parenthetically*

      I detest cauliflower as a soi-disant “substitute” for rice. I love cauliflower, even instead of rice or pasta or a grain, preferably roasted until richly caramelized with lots of garlic, but cauli-rice is too pale, and either the texture of sand if undercooked or, if overcooked, the texture of, I dunno, something you find on your shoe. Yuck.

      Rice has its own texture and you just can’t really sub for it. I will not be moved!

  42. SpiderLadyCEO*

    Brunch tips! I am having a couple of girlfriends over to watch Outlanders and eat brunch tomorrow, and I am in charge of the savory dish. Does anyone have any delicious recipes to share? Preferably something we can munch on while watching on the couch.

    1. Ali G*

      I am a big fan of frittata’s – they are good hot or room temp, so you can just cook it, cut it up and leave it out.
      My go-to is smoked salmon, goat cheese and asparagus. Top with a little parm or mozz.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Was just about to say frittata! We had friends over last weekend and I did one with asparagus, caramelized onions and goat cheese. I also made diner-style home fries and served strawberries and it was easy.

    2. Menacia*

      Bite sized crustless quiches, you can make them in a muffin tin. That way you can make different varieties very easily. Plenty of recipes online.

    3. Parenthetically*

      An egg casserole (I like the old fashioned ones with bread, tinned green chilies, and sausage best — pure nostalgia and very hearty) is just the ticket. I’d recommend against bacon in one, FWIW. Loses the texture.

  43. WellRed*

    Suggestions for finding a volunteer opportunity? Figuring out what might be a good fit and finding a place that needs volunteers?

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      Check out idealist.org as they have massive lists of volunteer opportunities that are searchable by location, interest, etc!

    3. FrontRangeOy*

      Seconding both of the above links.

      For the good fit part, think about your interests and job skills. If you’re a good llama wrangler who also happens to be good at memorizing and recalling information, you might enjoy volunteering as a tour guide/docent at a museum, for example.

    4. hermit crab*

      In addition to the other suggestions, are there places/institutions in your community that you particularly value – libraries, schools, museums, parks? That might be a good way to narrow your choices.

    5. HannahS*

      Think about what you want to do, other than doing good for your community. Be outside, or inside? Work with animals, or people (children or adults)? Work mainly with your hands or your mind? Work alone or with others? Service the public, or educate them? Are there particular institutions/organizations that mean a lot to you? Are there particular skills you want to develop, and is this partly resume-building? Beyond all that, there are also the logistics of where, when, and how often the org wants you.

    6. Washi*

      I’m a former volunteer coordinator! I definitely have some thoughts about volunteering from the nonprofit’s perspective:

      1. Regular is almost always better than one-off. In fact, many orgs that have one-off volunteering net lose money/staff time on it and do it because part of their mission is educating the public or advocacy. So definitely feel free to try some places out, but if you can, do so with the goal of finding a regular gig.
      2. Orgs that are built around volunteers (like Big Brother Big Sister) tend to have a volunteer experience that’s more structured and often more organized. Orgs that aren’t as focused on volunteers specifically tend to give you more flexibility and freedom.
      3. Decide if, when it comes down to it, you have a specific skill you’d like to hone volunteering, or if there’s a cause you’re passionate enough about to do whatever they need from volunteers. Sometimes you can find both at the same time, but it can help to get clear on what your priority is, because from a nonprofit’s perspective, it’s frustrating to be like “we need help with x,y, and z” and have the volunteer sign up for y but then try to turn it into m because y is boring.

      1. WellRed*

        Washi. Thank you. (And everyone else). I want a regular gig and I am leaning toward something more…hands on, like a food pantry rather than..museum docent say. All causes are worthwhile but I want to balance my rather ivory tower job with really helping.

    7. cleo*

      I agree with all the advice. And I’ll add this – my most fulfilling volunteer gigs have been things that complemented the rest of my life – that used skills I enjoy but wan’t using much in my work life or gave me things that I wasn’t getting any where else.

      I figured this out the hard way – when I was teaching full time, I attempted to volunteer at a senior center and quickly realized that I needed volunteer work that was less emotionally challenging than my for pay work – I ended up doing volunteer gardening with my local park district and it was great.

      One career change later and I’m leading monthly art workshops for young adults at my local community center as my volunteer work. I started at the center volunteering for a few events – doing one-off events helped me get a sense of whether it was a good fit for me and also a sense of where I might fit in for a repeating gig.

  44. AlligatorSky*

    Hey all, it’s been a while since I got involved with the AAM community.

    Does anyone have any advice on coping with depression when your family has an ‘mental health/depression isn’t real’ and ‘people who commit suicide are selfish wastes of space’ attitude? I’ve been battling severe depression since the age of 15, and I’m now 24.

    It’s getting harder and harder, and every single type of medication/antidepressants/counselling I’ve been prescribed for the last 9 years hasn’t worked. I feel like I’m just finding it more difficult to find reasons to keep going on, and I just feel like I don’t wanna cling onto life anymore. I have a bucket list of stuff I want to do in life and yet even that seems pointless to me now. I just don’t care about it anymore, I don’t care about life.

    We had a previous suicide in the family and he isn’t mentioned at all; there’s no photos of him, he’s omitted from family stories; my family act like he didn’t exist. It terrifies me knowing my family don’t care about me when I’m living on this planet, and that I’ll be erased from their minds when I leave this planet. They have NO idea what goes on in my head, and I feel like I’m not making an impact on them/the world now, and that I never will.

    I just feel like there’s no point. Not even visiting places like New York City and Los Angeles, places where I promised myself I would visit at one point in my life, seem like things I care about anymore :(

    1. nep*

      Sorry you are having to go through this. Sorry for your pain.
      Anyone who hasn’t had serious thoughts of committing suicide likely cannot relate in the least–they might see it only as a selfish and cowardly act. But those of us who have had those thoughts know that it is so far beyond that.
      I will just offer a couple of things that come to mind: Your ‘worth’ in this world probably doesn’t correspond at all with how you’ve envisioned it. It’s real but probably different from what you think it is or should be. Your ‘impact’ probably won’t be measured in ways you’ve imagined.
      Is there anything you feel as if you care about?
      I’m glad you shared this today.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        It’s weird, a few years ago when I was like this, I would lose myself in movies, games, tv shows, books ect. Now, I can still watch/read/play these things, but I don’t feel like I can escape as much as I used to. Before, I would completely shut myself off from the outside world. Now, I can still feel parts coming back to me. For example, I went to see Ready Player One 3x because I loved it so much. I did manage to sort of close myself off from the world, but my brain kept bringing me back to my thoughts. I would be watching it, and suddenly my brain would start thinking about how I just feel like I don’t want to be here, and how the 2 hours I’d spent watching the movie was 2 hours less that I had to live. I tried so hard to ignore them, but they just kept coming back. Still managed to enjoy the movie though, thankfully.

        Honestly, I don’t feel like there’s anything I truly care about anymore. I’m getting to meet 3 guys who played the 3 characters from Grand Theft Auto 5 (one of my favourite games) in a couple of weeks. I’m looking forward to it, but I just feel like I don’t care. I don’t feel excited, I don’t feel happy. I just feel empty, like it’s another day of my existence. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy :(

        2. tangerineRose*

          Depression is tough, and it’s a liar. Now that you’re 24, you may be able to use (or at least soon use) antidepressants more – doctors tend to be understandably cautious about prescribing antidepressants to people in their teens and early 20’s. I hope that helps.

          Things that have helped me include just taking it easy and crashing on the sofa for a few hours and watching TV or reading when I’m in a “just don’t care anymore” place, chocolate, spending time with people who care about me, spending time with animals, reminding myself that the way I feel right now is temporary.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            Yeah, when I’m in my ‘downward spiral’ as I call it, I just lie in my bed and bingewatch Netflix with Ben and Jerry’s. I have a thing for documentaries, so I spend hours watching them. I recently watched one about the suicide forest in Japan (pre Logan Paul) and loved it so much I rewatched it 4 times. Odd to think that watching a documentary about something I’m battling against could be so enjoyable.

            1. AlligatorSky*

              Also, I was watching TV when I replied to your comment. I have a habit of typing things that I hear. Just as well that I checked my comment before posting, because right at the end I’d written “I like fish fingers” because an advert on the TV had that line! Hahahahah.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m sorry you don’t have a supportive family. That makes things so much harder.

      Do you have supportive friends? Don’t be afraid to lean on them. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. They will want to help you however they can.

      Also, don’t give up on trying to find the right treatment plan. I know it’s exhausting, but I started dealing with serious anxiety in my early 20s and it took nearly 20 years for me to get on the right medication and be able to function ‘normally’. There were a lot of times I felt like there was no point in trying, that I’d never feel good.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I have truly amazing friends who I’m so thankful for. I just feel like a burden, because they have their own problems to deal with, and I don’t want to lumber them with mine as well :(

        It’s sucks, I’ve been trying for like 6-7 years to find treatments that will work. I just feel like I’m hitting my head off a brick wall and going round in circles, you know?

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          You are not a burden. I’ve been the supportive friend and also the friend needing support.

          I totally get that. I was on a variety of meds over the years and my anxiety just seemed to keep getting worse and worse. My doctor finally put me on Prozac and that coupled with getting away from a super toxic job vastly improved my quality of life. Don’t give up!

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I’m really thinking of going back to the doctor soon and asking to be put on antidepressants or something again. I’m just worried that a) my doctor will think “Oh god, she’s back AGAIN”, and that b) I’ll be put on something that won’t work for me and the cycle will start all over again :(

            1. PNWflowers*

              As a healthcare provider who spent 10+ years working with acutely mentally ill patients- it’s hard to think of any one of my coworkers who would be annoyed at someone seeking treatment. We geniunely wanted patients to engage in treatment and work towards healing. If your doctor is annoyed- you might need a new provider. But a good provider will want to help you find what you need. And I second the down thread comment about ECT. It’s not for everyone but for some people it can be very very beneficial. I’m also sorry your family hasn’t handled the loss of your loved one well; that’s hard no matter the reasons behind it. Hang in there- I know it’s so hard when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed and your brain is being a giant a-hole- but you matter and you’re worthy of living a life not consumed by depression. Please keep swimming.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                I always feel like my doctors wonder why I keep coming back. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve gone to see my GP. The notes they keep on me must be enough to write a book.

                It’s painful and difficult, but I’m glad I have people out there who care. Thank you so much <3

                1. Southernbelle*

                  I’m saying this as someone who has also taken a variety of meds for depression and anxiety, and gone through a variety of more and less competent doctors: PLEASE find a doctor who is not a GP to help you manage these medications. This is not their specialty! It’s like going to a GP for a complicated bone break: they can only do so much. Maybe they could get you started with something and send a referral to an actual psychiatrist?

                  Sending you thoughts full of hope for improvement.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              FWIW, I am thinking you can take many scripts and your mother won’t change one bit. I am not a doc and it’s just my thinking, but I think getting away from your mother is going to help you a lot.

              I am so sorry about your family being so dense and cold. Stealing your medication, rummaging through your room, etc, is down right abusive. Ignoring the family member who suicided, is absolutely awful. Love is not a water faucet, we don’t turn love on and off like water in the kitchen sink.

              I hope you find this tidbit a bit helpful. My wise friend used to say, rigid people are the most fragile people there are. These are folks who cannot bend, can never yield and can never change their minds. The reason is because they secretly believe that if they flex or if they change their thinking they will break up into tiny pieces and cease to exist. You don’t have this problem, AS. You know there is something better and you just keep looking for it.

              IF, big IF, this is the case with your family, they do not have the skill sets to show you how to thrive in this world. They can’t even show you how to survive in this world. They don’t know how themselves, so their plan is to hold them selves rigidly in place until the storm called “life” passes.

              You are radical to them. You can talk about a person who died by suicide and not bust up into tiny parts yourself. They don’t understand this.

              AS, it’s okay to seek something better in life. And, indeed, you will find it. There’s an awful lot of very, very kind people out there. Take a look at the post this week where dozens and dozens of people offered to help the OP find a new job so she could get out of her toxic situation. This is the way life should be, AS, people rushing to help others.

              I am glad you are back. We have looked for you over the years. If you don’t comment, please keep reading. I have learned so much here, more than I did in college. And I have learned about things about life stuff that I never would have learned any other way. You can let all that you read here remind you of how rich life can be and remind you that this is where you are heading to a rich full life.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                Thank you so much. It makes me feel something that I can’t explain when people recognise my name, and hope I’ve been doing well. It truly means so much!

                I’ve realised that one major step to recovery is definitely moving out. I feel like the root of my issues are definitely due to my family/mother. Getting away from the poison that I’m subjected to every day will definitely be one major step. I wish they would talk about the family member who took his own life. He feels like a stranger to me, because nobody will talk about him.

                Thank you so, so much. I realised that I didn’t reply to a lot of the comments last time, and I swore I wouldn’t do that again. The wonderful comments and support means so much to me. You have made me incredibly happy tonight – thank you!

            3. Yetanotherjennifer*

              I think your doctor will think “oh GOOD, she’s back again. Now I get another chance to help her. I really hope this next thing works.” Your doctors are professionals who took an actual oath to treat the person in front of them to the best of their abilities. This is what they were called to do. And annoying people tend not to be that self-aware. The fact you’re worried about being annoying pretty much guarantees you aren’t. But even if…you deserve good medical care because you are a person and not because you are good, bad, annoying or delightful. You are deserving of good mental health. You are worth it! Please go and get help. It might take several tries to get the right thing, so keep trying. Each thing you try brings you one step closer to the right thing. You’ve got a whole comment section of people rooting for you. We expect to see you here next week.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                I really hope I can find something that works for me, I’ve been wanting this for the past 9ish years. I hope one day I can look back and be thankful that I fought back against my thoughts and didn’t give into them. There’s a quote I often think about: “Killing yourself doesn’t erase the problem, it erases the chance of ever getting better.” – I try to keep that in my head at all times. Death is permanent, once it’s over, it’s over; there’s no second chance or respawn – that’s it.

                Thank you for all the wonderful support, it trult means so much. I promise you I’ll be back next week, you guys are all awesome, and I feel so welcomed, and for the first time, I feel like I’ve found somewhere where I belong, instead of feeling like an outsider.

        2. Parenthetically*

          I have a friend who was in a similar place recently — physical health issues, lots of debilitating mental health issues, unsupportive family, a ton of false starts with the wrong meds and bad docs. It was hard. She constantly felt like the loser of our friend group, and like she was leaning too hard on us. But that’s what we’re for. Friends stick around. I figure, what’s a few years in a lifetime of friendship, when it’s someone I love?

          Anyway she recently found a new therapist and an AWESOME new doctor who really took time to look at her treatment holistically, and things are on the up in a big way. It’s not perfect by any means, but she’s got a lot of reason to hope.

          I’ve got my fingers crossed for you!

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I’m going to call my doctor on Monday and ask if I can be referred to a therapist. Your friend sounds exactly like me, and if she can get through it, so can I. You’ve given me hope and confidence, thank you so much!

            1. Parenthetically*

              Please do pop back in next week and update!! Really pulling for you. You’ve got this. :)

    3. Mananana*

      AlligatorSky, I am SO glad you posted today. And I’m so sorry for your pain. Forgive me if this sounds like a simplistic answer, but please…… talk to your mental health provider about this. For some people, it can take years to find the right combination of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds/counseling to work.

      And families are weird. And grief is weird. Absence of pictures doesn’t mean your family has forgotten their loved-one who committed suicide; sometimes the grief and guilt can lead to the “erasure” of the one who died. Ideally, you could ask a trusted family member WHY that person’s pictures are gone; work with your therapist on some scripts.

      Jedi-hugs to you, AlligatorSky. Please be well.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thank you <3 I'm thinking of going back to my doctor soon (thankfully my work is supportive about doctors appointments and things, so I don't need to worry about leaving work a little early or coming in late). I'm just insanely worried that the cycle of being put on medication that doesn't work and realising I'm destined to feel like this forever will start all over again.

        We don't even visit his grave – nobody does. I haven't been since I was around 16 and even then, I had to beg and beg and beg to be taken there. I have family members in Canada who sometimes will talk about him if I ask, but they stop after a while; I can't probe too much. I probably could get to his grave myself, but it's just a pain to get there.

        Thank you again. Your comment is much appreciated <3

    4. C*

      Also, ask your doctor about getting a blood test to determine which antidepressants are likely to work better for you. They can actually tell based on your genes which antidepressants are more likely or less likely to work instead of continuing all the trial & error.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Damn that’s cool. Medicine and that industry just fascinates me with the things that can be done today. I’ll make sure to ask my doctor about a blood test. Thank you so much!

        1. Lindsay J*

          Yes! I think this is relatively new since nobody said anything about it when I first went onto mental health prescriptions when I was a teen and young adult. I haven’t had it done yet but my psychiatrist mentioned it and I’m excited by the idea.

    5. hermit crab*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It seems trite to say that you are not alone – but there are so many people out there who have been in a similar place (not the same, because everyone’s experiences are different) and even those who have not but who still feel for you and are glad you’re around. I’m glad you’re around, and I’m just a stranger on the internet!

      I’d like to share a blog post that has really helped me through some dark places; feel free to read it if you want. I’ll put a link in a reply, but if you want to search for it it’s Jennifer Michael Hecht’s Jan. 11, 2010 post on the Best American Poetry blog (thebestamericanpoetry dot typepad dot com).

        1. AlligatorSky*

          Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my comment. It truly means a lot knowing that there’s someone out there who cares! I’m going to read that post now, thank you again <3

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Sorry to hear you’re dealing with all this. I understand it far too well myself.

      Go see your doctor ASAP and see what meds are possible. I took a combination of various meds rather than one single type. Medication itself is like duct tape. It helps you get through the day but it’s not a fix. In my experience a good therapist is far more effective in the long run in helping you overcome the hurdles of living with depression. Ask your doctor for recommendations. A therapist will help you learn how to live with depression and have a normal life. I won’t sugar coat it – it’s not easy. Sometimes all that keeps me going is knowing there are a small group of very dear friends who care very much for me. And that’s enough to keep living for. I don’t see them as often as I’d like but we keep in touch pretty much daily through social media. I don’t fight this all on my own. It’s with their help and love I get through the rough times.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thank you! It sounds crazy, but as much as I hate depression and wish it would go away, if I had to continue living with it, I’d much rather have methods of dealing with it, rather than having it consume me, if you get me.

        I definitely want to seek help for it. I’m not proud of it, but previous coping mechanisms have been unhealthy, and potentially dangerous. I won’t say what they are, but looking back, I’m very lucky, as I don’t know where said coping mechanisms came from, or who made them. It could’ve ended very badly. I never want to turn to them again.

        I sometimes feel so low that I end up removing myself from social media. I lock my Twitter down, deactivate my Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram. Sometimes I feel so depressed I completely cut myself off from everyone. Isolating myself seems to make me feel a litter better sometimes.

        1. Parenthetically*

          The metaphor that really helped me when I was trying to get a handle on how to live with my depression was The Black Dog. Like a very large, stupid pet, depression needs caring for. You have to take the dog to the vet, get it outside for walks, feed it properly, give it its meds, bathe it, pick up its sh!t — and if you don’t, if you just pretend you don’t have the dog, it doesn’t go away, it just becomes a large, stupid, annoying, smelly, angry dog.

          Choosing your coping mechanisms rather than falling into them is important as well, IMO.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I like that metaphor, it’s a good way to look at it. Depression doesn’t go away – it’s always there in the background. It’s best to deal with it and reach out for help, rather than pretending it’s not there. Sort of like the elephant in the corner of the room. (I guess?).

    7. TheLiz*

      If you’re having severe, treatment-resistant depression (and it sounds like you are), you may want to consider electroconvulsive therapy (https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/electroconvulsive-therapy#1). It’s got a very bad reputation, largely because it was abused in the 1930s, but it can be very effective when nothing else is. You’re also likely to know very quickly whether it’s working for you or not.

      Also, things can get better. Even if there is no treatment that will help you today, there are always medical advances. This isn’t forever! The whole “this can’t ever improve and the world cares nothing for me” is lies your brain is telling you. Don’t listen! We care!

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thank you so much. I’ll look into electroconvulsive therapy. This is gonna sound weird, but I find my depression comes in waves. I’m always feeling depressed, but sometimes it’s “Ugh I wish I was dead but whatever” and other times it’s “Yeah I don’t wanna go on anymore, if I just did this, I’d be dead very soon”.

        Sometimes it’s so severe that it’s terrifying. The other day I felt so low I stood in my bathroom considering swallowing all the pills I had in the bathroom. Another day I found myself googling bridges that I could throw myself off of. There’s been times when I’ve felt so low and couldn’t sleep that I’ve gone downstairs and sat on the couch with my dog. I would never do anything that could potentially harm my dog (dropping pills ect), so I find that sitting with him makes it better. His little face lights up when I come downstairs and he loves to cuddle up with me and play with me. I always try to remind myself that he would miss his playmate.

        Thank you so much for responding and caring. Makes me feel better knowing there’s someone out there rooting for me :)

        1. deesse877*

          Go to a psychiatrist, not a GP, and ask to be evaluated for Bipolar Type 2. You are not sounding weird; you are sounding like someone who thinks carefully about what happens to them, and this business about “coming in waves” is potentially extremely good data.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I’ve always felt that I’m going crazy when I describe my depression. I assumed depression was just always there, and that because mine comes in ‘waves’, I thought I couldn’t be depressed and that I must be just sad or something. I have very high ‘highs’ and feel awesome, then I come crashing down and my lows are terrifying. My highs make me feel pretty good and make me glad I’m still here, and my lows make me want to kill myself on the spot. I hate having these ‘highs’ because I know the lows will come back and how vicious they can be.

            I’ll make sure to mention this to the doctor, thank you. One of my close friends is bipolar and when I described this to him, he said it’s exactly what he deals with. I’ve been curious for a long time but always told myself I was being stupid. Maybe not.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              This might be something to start with. My wise friend used to say “Watch the highs and lows. If we go too high that means we can go to low also. It’s important to keep ourselves on an even keel as much as possible.”

              Now this translates into whatever it means to you. For me, I decided 8 hours of sleep every night was mandatory. My life was such that I was cleaning the mouse poop out of the cupboards at 2 AM. Well, it was the only time I had available to do that task. So I decided, “NO MORE.” That burst of energy at 2 AM only set me up for a downer later on the week. I stopped feeding the energy bursts. I decided to set my daily rhythm and control that part of my life, then look to see where that put me.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                I’ve always been a night owl, and seem to be more energetic at night. I’m physically exhausted throughout the day, no matter how much sleep I’ve had. I’m having to consume energy drinks and caffeine just to keep me awake throughout the day. Thankfully it doesn’t affect me at work, (9-5 office job) and I can block it out when I’m working, but it’s frustrating. It’s currently 4.36pm here in Scotland – I woke up at 12.30 after having 8 hours of sleep, and already I’m counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep. I’ve always been like this, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like I’m in an exhausted state.

                Still, at least I’m not cleaning mouse poop out of cupboards at 2am. That can’t have been fun!

                1. Lindsay J*

                  I know the feeling. It really sucks and I’m sorry you are dealing with this, too.

                  I’m not even sad most of the time. I just don’t have the energy or mental energy to do anything or even to want to do anything. If I could just peacefully fall asleep and never wake up again I feel like that would be okay.

                  I keep on hoping that the next thing I try will help – new meds, new vitamins, etc. Nothing has yet.

                  You’re not alone. I hope knowing that helps you maybe feel a bit better at least.

    8. Nynaeve*

      I was just thinking about you the other day! I saw your name in a reply to anther commenter’s post and thought, “Oh, she* pulled through! Good for her!” (Hope I got your gender right; if not, just correct me.)

      So the truth is more complicated. I am sorry to hear this is still a struggle for you, and that your family is a hindrance rather than a help. It does sound at least like numb weariness, rather than the desperation of your initial post, so… small victories? In my experience, the “I am a hollow shell” stage is easier to work with than the “I’m crying on the floor because I looked at some toilet cleaner and now I can’t stop thinking about swallowing bleach and ending it all” stage. Easier emotionally, anyway… but it is a much longer journey and it’s harder to see results, because the changes are more incremental. It’s like… you’re not on fire anymore, but your skin is burnt and itchy while it heals, and you’re still having trouble breathing. It’s uncomfortable and it’s harder to get sympathy.

      Anyway. The point is, I can commiserate. I wish you the best of luck, skill, assistance, and persistence in getting through this stage. I second everyone’s advice to go back to your doctor and to try therapy again. If the medications keep not working (and the blood tests don’t help or you can’t get them), you can also look for clinical trials for treatment-resistant depression. Captain Awkward has good advice/scripts for disengaging from difficult families. You can also try small hacks like writing down good things that happened or small things you accomplished and focusing on those, just as a way to counterbalance the all- pervasive feeling of negativity. Do the small things, even if the feelings aren’t there or don’t follow. “I saw a blue jay. I put on clothes and went to the grocery store. I am drinking my favorite milkshake. It brings all the boys to the yard.”

      I’ve gotten to a point where I’m happy and stable. It took a lot of work and time, and it wasn’t straightforward, but I got there. I wish that for you, too.

      Also, I’m in the “Los Angeles area,” so if you do decide to visit, I will brave the traffic and come do touristy things with you. Alison has my email if you want to get in touch.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Haha no worries, you got my gender right! My name is YMCA backwards without the C :-)

        It’s been strongly hinted that my family member who took his own life had depression. There was a number of issues in his life which probably added up to everything. My family’s attitude probably didn’t help either. He took his life in a horrible, horrible way, and his poor assistant found him. I don’t know what happened to her or where she is, but I feel awful for her. I can’t imagine what she had to go through. I think about her often. I was a pretty happy kid, but I can remember being 8 or 9 years old and thinking about killing myself. I remember it specifically because I had this Pokemon game that came with small ball-like things. I remember sitting on the floor in my childhood bedroom and wondering if swallowing these things would kill me. I did a lot of googling about suicide on the family computer and my Grandma found out and told my family about it. (I was a kid and had no idea you could delete your history, 9 year old me had barely grasped the idea of the internet hahaah). My Grandma (RIP) was concerned, and told my parents to consider getting me to see a therapist. My parents did the usual (still do to this day) “Oh, she’s an attention seeker. She’s doing this because she knows ____ killed himself and she wants to hurt us. She’s doing this on purpose.”

        I resisted the urges to take my own life when I was younger, because I couldn’t put my beloved Grandma through it again. The previous suicide in the family completely destroyed her. Up until the day she died, it broke her, even though she never spoke about him. She was my best friend and my rock, and the reason I kept going. She passed in October 2015, and life has felt meaningless since then. Before, I hated life, but I had something to guide me through it. Now my lifejacket has literally gone, and I just feel like I’m drowning and I want to let go. My mother knows I struggle, yet is furious when I come home from the doctor with antidepressants. (She searches my room). She takes them off me, refuses to let me take them, blasts me publicly over Facebook and Twitter for being a “selfish attention seeker who thinks wasting doctors time is funny” and tells me stuff like “If you want to kill yourself, just do it. Nobody will miss you.” Makes me wonder why I don’t seem to have the courage to just get it over with. Guess I’m just scared.

        Thank you so much! I currently have a temp job in finance – The pay is pretty damn good. Not gonna say how much I make, but it’s a pretty good amount. If I started saving, I could probably afford a week or so in Los Angeles within a few months. I actually find myself looking at flights to LA and NY and even Toronto on a daily basis. I really hope one day I can go. Just nervous though cause my mum is S T R I C T – Like so strict that when I was away in a city 2 hours away for the weekend with some friends recently, she called the hotel I was staying in, messaged my friends on Facebook, commented on every post I’d shared, wrote on my wall and almost called the police to report me missing. My crime? My friends and I went out for a while and my phone died on me. I told her my phone was low on battery and would probably die, but I was okay and would message her when we got back to the hotel. When I did get back, I had (exactly): 34 text messages, 14 missed calls, 67 Facebook notifications and 122 Facebook messages = ALL FROM HER. My friends were stunned and bemused. They knew how ridiculous she was, but they hadn’t witnessed it in person.

        I definitely will be getting in touch, it would be awesome to talk to you. Should I contact Alison for your email?

        1. Reba*

          The things you describe your mother doing and saying are abusive. I’m so sorry that she is cruel to you on top of everything else, and I hope that with some of this sweet sweet finance money you can get out of her home soon.

          The jab about no one missing you is beyond the pale! Your dear friends would miss you. You are a kind-hearted person. Even us Internet Randos would miss you!

          Sending you love and light. Please hang in there and have courage in the search for treatments.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Your mom sound terrible. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. With treatment like hers, could some of what you’re dealing with be situational depression? You may start feeling a lot lighter and freer when you are not living with her.

            Also, some antidepressants take a week or 2 to kick in, and it sounds like she may be preventing you from being able to give them a fair try.

            I don’t know your spiritual beliefs, and I don’t want to presume, but would it help to think about your grandmother looking down on you and wanting you to be kind to yourself?

            1. AlligatorSky*

              It could be! When I’m not at home and away from her, I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I tend to feel a little (not a lot, but a little) better.

              I feel like she’s stopping me from getting the full effect of the antidepressants as she just takes them off me before they can kick in. I really wish I had a way of taking them without her finding out.

              It does help, actually. I like to think that she’s up there with our deceased previously member family member and looking down. I really hope she is and that’s in a better place.

              1. Lindsay J*

                Do you have a desk at work you can keep the medication in? Or a handbag or backpack or gym bag or similar that you can keep on you at all times so she doesn’t have an opportunity to search it?

                Your mother sounds terrible.

          2. AlligatorSky*

            You are the best. Thank you for the support, it’s much appreciated. It’s 3.49am in Scotland, and I’m feeling slightly meh. Sitting up watching crappy TV and listening to Shania Twain whilst drinking Budweiser. Your comment made me smile though, so thank you for that <3

        2. Case of the Mondays*

          In case you need it, here is the link for the National Suicide Hotline chat
          http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
          Their phoneline is
          Call 1-800-273-8255

          Have you talked with your mental health professionals about moving away from your family, or at least out of the house, and possibly even cutting off contact with them for awhile? Check out Reddit’s Raised by Narcissists. Even if your mom isn’t a narcissist, there is probably a lot of good advice in there. No one should treat you the way she is treating you. You are presumably over 18 and no longer have to follow her rules.

          Even if you rented the cheapest apartment with a bunch of roommates, you would probably still be in a healthier place. I hope you find better days. Focus on just getting through this hour. Once that’s doable, focus on getting through a day. Then a week. Keep checking in here!

          1. AlligatorSky*

            Thank you for this. I’ve booked-marked both.

            I’ve previously spoken to mental health professionals about going no-contact with my family. I liked seeing the professionals, it just sucks that they were really oversubscribed, so I only got to see them a couple of times. It’s been a few years since I last saw one, and I’m still on a waiting list to be seen again :(

            I always feel better when I’m away from my family. Just shows you that family isn’t/aren’t always the best people in your life.

        4. Cristina in England*

          Hey! It’s so good to see you here again. I know you know this but when you’re stuck in the thick of it, it can be easy to lose perspective: your mother searches your room for antidepressants and steals them—of all the things you’ve said about her, this one is absolutely the spine-tingliest red flag of danger to me. (Along with the billion messages when you were out of contact for the night) That is sooo not ok. You don’t deserve that. I hope this temp job will give you enough money for you to move out sooner rather than later.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            It’s been a while, I’ve been lurking for a while now, and finally found the courage to pop back up. I think I was just nervous.

            I’m saving up a lot to move out, currently though most of my savings have been going towards trips I’ll be taking to London in the next few months. (Oops, I definitely have my priorities in check!)

            Once I’m back from London, my priority will definitely be leaving and getting away.

        5. Public Health Nerd*

          Your mother is not helping – agree that the behaviors you share here are wildly dysfunctional and are making things worse.
          And, you can get out from under them, and it won’t always be so terrible. My mantra was/is: “I don’t have to live like my parents.” It was super helpful to me when they were being extra spicy crazy, and the thought of becoming an adult like them was paralyzingly terrifying. Visiting less dysfunctional people was helpful- even if I was still living in crazy, I could visit the land of Less Crazy.
          Hopefully you will be able to get some support so that you can start following your doctor’s recommendations and start feeling better.
          For know, maybe knowing that internet randos think your folks are out of line, and that we think that you are adding to the goodness of the world by your existence can help you stick around a bit longer.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I like the idea of ‘Crazy’ and ‘Less Crazy’ – I’m going to start using that to describe my home/life in general now, thank you!

            If you don’t mind me asking, did other family members know your what your parents were/are like? Sorry if it’s a personal question, if you don’t feel comfortable asking, I’ll completely understand.

            You guys are definitely helping me, it’s almost like I was drowning and all of you guys banded together to throw me a lifejacket. Thank you for all the wonderful support, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much! <3

            1. Public Health Nerd*

              In my case, everyone knew that my mom was difficult, and she self identified as someone with mental illness. That helped a lot – to have a name for what she was doing. These days, she is doing a LOT better – her treatments got shifted around, she got some better therapy, and she’s about 75% easier to deal with. That said, there were a lot of codependent/dysfunctional patterns that had grown up around her, which were also difficult, and very common. Finding one or two people who understood what I was living with was enough to get me through until I could move out and have some physical distance from them. For me, living one zip code away is far enough, and things are a lot better. Also, having anout 5 years of screening my calls, 7 years of therapy, and awesome friends helped tons.

        6. Nynaeve*

          Yes, you can contact Alison for my email. I don’t have much social media presence, so that’s the best way to reach me. I’m in the process of moving to a new apartment, so I may not respond same day, but I’ll keep an eye out for your email.

          Also… WOW. Your mom. WOW. I would honestly prioritize using your money to MOVE OUT. She is violating all kinds of boundaries and is not a safe person for you. There was some great advice on the “my boss is dating my dad” thread about getting important papers together and getting out. Captain Awkward also has several posts on this.

          Also, your mom is wrong! You are trying not to die! Saving lives is LITERALLY the most important job of a doctor. You are doing the OPPOSITE of wasting their time. ARG! *Hulk rage table flip*

          I’m so sorry about your grandma. She sounds like a great person and I think she would be proud of you for everything you’ve accomplished and the effort you’re putting in to staying healthy. Even if she’s gone, I think her love for you is still alive, and you can access its power if you need it, and remember that you are a strong, lovable, and worthwhile person that *deserves* love, attention, and concern. She thought so, and she’s not wrong.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Yeah, good doctors are going to appreciate that you are trying to take care of yourself. If you were diabetic, would your mom tell you not to take insulin?

            1. AlligatorSky*

              That’s a good point you’ve made there btw, which reminds me – I’m asthmatic and have been diagnosed by an official *DOCTOR*.

              *My mother insists that said doctor is completely wrong and knows nothing about me and that I don’t have asthma. Despite all the tests and the diagnosis, nope, I most definitely do not have asthma, apparently. She laughs when I use my inhaler and I caught her recently trying to throw it out. Getting out of breath when I do basic tasks and waking up in the middle of the night with an extremely tight chest and struggling to breathe means I’m overweight and need to go to the gym, according to my mother, who is totally a health expert (sarcasm).

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I hope you see this post and it’s not buried.

                Please look at this video by a Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. You are not off track here at all! There is a known correlation between childhood trauma and lung problems and heart problems. Based on this doc’s work here, it is to be EXPECTED that you could end up with asthma.

                I will link one of her videos here but I think you will find more if you look.

                https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime

                I am just so impressed with this doc. She is brilliant.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                I have a link in moderation here for you, that you might find helpful/insightful, please check for it.

          2. AlligatorSky*

            I’ll send her an email and mention that I talked to you on here – Hopefully she’ll get back to me soon!

            I currently have a savings account that I’m using as my “GFTO’ fund. I should be out in a few months!

            All the doctors in the world are wrong, according to her. It doesn’t matter that they’re an official doctor and that they have degrees, she knows WAY MORE than they do *eye roll!*.

            I miss my Grandma a lot. She was the first major death I’d experienced in my life. I was VERY close to her, in fact she was the only person in my family who understood me. She had cancer, so we knew she was dying, but it was still a shock when she went. Her funeral was beautiful, but my mum berated me after it for ’embarrassing her’ at it, because I was sobbing loudly. Geez, sorry that my Grandma is lying dead in a coffin 4ft away from me and that I’m having a hard time knowing this is the last time I’ll get to say goodbye to her. I got a necklace made a few months after the funeral, with her fingerprint in a heart shaped pendant. My mum HATED this and said it was attention seeking. Much to my annoyance, it ‘broke’ a few months ago, (funny that, it was a day after my mum asked to ‘look at it’ and my mum took it away to fix it. She still hasn’t ‘fixed’ it and I’m terrified it’s gone forever. It was very expensive and took a while to make, so getting a new one will take some time. I feel like a part of me is missing without it.

            I miss her so much that it’s physically painful. Some days are so bad that I feel like giving up so that I can be with her again.

        7. PNWflowers*

          Just got to this- stealing your meds? I’m so sorry. This is abusive and wrong. I would encourage finding a therapist and building a private, separate savings account (often you can have an automatic deposit of x amount/percentage into an account, make sure you have your documents and work with your therapist/domestic violence hotline to build a plan to get out/away. You deserve better then this.

          Anti-depressants often take at least 6 weeks to work- if your mom is throwing them out, then you’re not going to really see the effects of if their helpful or not. This is not your fault and it’s not ok. To be honest? It’s really hard to recover from any illness when you have someone actively undermine your recovery. Its the equivalent of if you had diabetes and she was throwing away your insulin and pouring sugar in your water. No one would expect you to get better with that going on! And please make sure your doctor knows what’s going on- they should have resources for you as well.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            Yeah, she’s searched my room regularly for as long as I can remember. Every time I leave my house I’m terrified I’ll come back to it having been searched. I don’t have anything to hide (apart from when I’m on meds), but I hate it when she does it, because she rearranges everything and puts them back in different places. It really freaks me out, because I HATE people touching my stuff. I like having my stuff in certain places and knowing where everything is, but she doesn’t care and moves everything around. When that happens, I can’t sleep and I get incredibly upset, I know it sounds so dumb but it truly freaks me out. My door doesn’t have a lock on it and I don’t know how to describe it, but there’s no way to lock it, it’s just a handle. Even if I did lock it, she’d just smash the door down (like she did in our old house when I locked the door in my room one day).

            I’ll mention it to my doctor when I go back next time. Thank you!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              This is such an invasion of your personal space, I have no words. This is really, really abusive. Please know she is so very, very wrong here.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                It’s horrible. I keep begging her to stop, but she continues to do it. It makes me insanely upset, but she refuses to stop. She did it recently and it freaked me out – I’d brought down a few books from my bookshelf that I wanted to read. I can’t find them anywhere. I also can’t find my copy of Watch Dogs 2 anywhere, and I really wanted to play it last night, ugh.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  I remember a story of a couple who were going to throw a party. One person they had invited was KNOWN for being very nosy. She would ask to use the bathroom. Once in there she would go through all the scripts in the medicine chest to see what the couple was taking.

                  One day the couple had enough of this and they took everything out of the medicine chest. They packed the chest VERY tightly with glass marbles. They packed it in such a manner that when the door was opened hundreds of marbles would dump out every where.

                  Then they had their party and included the nosy friend. Predictably, Nosy had to use the bathroom.

                  Nosy opened the medicine chest. And that was the moment EVERYONE at the party learned that Nosy had opened the medicine chest.

                  It would be delicious to rig something in your room like that. Nothing where she would get hurt but just something that says, “Gotcha”.

            2. Peanut*

              If you like to read, you might try “Surviving a Borderline Parent” by Kimberlee Roth and Frieda B. Friedman. I don’t know if your mother has a personality disorder, but some of the behavior you describe sounds similar, and this book does a great job of being clear about not trying to diagnose anyone, but how people can deal with the type of behaviors you describe.

              It is not normal that your mother searches your room, keeps you from taking prescribed medication, believes she is the only expert on your health, etc. I hope you are able to move out soon, because after living so long like this, it is very hard to realize/remember that this behavior is absolutely not normal and not okay. It’s hard enough for people to separate from parents even without them being toxic and even without dealing with your own depression, so I understand how difficult this will be for you, but I think getting some physical separation will be so helpful for you so that you can then take some space to consider whether emotional separation is good for you as well.

              Maybe the book will help. I wish there was more I could offer.

        8. Thursday Next*

          Dear Alligator Sky, I wrote a really long comment that I must have hit “cancel” on. What you’ve posted since I tried to comment has really made me hope that you’ll be able to put some physical distance between yourself and your mother. Stealing your medication is just beyond words.

          My parents were depression deniers and treatment withholders. Like you, I had suicidal ideation before puberty and was diagnosed with depression at 15. They only took me to the psychiatrist because my school told them to. My parents couldn’t deal with that diagnosis, so they didn’t do anything about it. They also withheld medication prescribed by a cardiologist for a stress-related heart condition, that she how much negativity they had regarding mental health interventions.

          It took me ten years to seek and sustain effective treatment. Not coincidentally, it was only after I’d been living completely independently of them for two years. That’s how long it took to shake the indoctrination against depression treatment. I got medication, went into counseling, and also found a support group for depression geared toward the daughters of Asian immigrants. It helped me see that my experience was shared by others.

          Is there any private place you can stash your meds? In a bag that’s with you when you leave the house, at work, at a nearby friend’s? Do you have a prescribing doctor you trust, to see you through revisions to a medication regimen? Can you plan one thing to really look forward to?

          Depression lies to us about our self-worth. It’s terrible that your mother is lying to you as we’ll.

          1. Thursday Next*

            Sorry, my comment got cut off. Your mother is lying to you as well—her actions shout “I don’t believe you!” and, somewhat paradoxically, “Don’t take care of yourself!” And she is WRONG. You have worth and wit and strength. I am rooting for you!

          2. AlligatorSky*

            I have a bunch of events in my calendar at the moment that will be happening in the next few months. A few include various event where I get to meet actors I’m a fan of (Katie Leung/Cho Chang from Harry Potter, Tony Robinson ect). It seems like I just trudge long until these events pop up, I go to them, feel good for a while, then the events end and I go back to feeling like I did before. It’s a vicious cycle.

            I do have a bag that I take with me to work, leave in my desk at work, then bring home and hang it on my door. I could leave them in there? I don’t think she’d be able to search the bag if it’s with me most of the time. My family have always had an attitude of ‘shut up and deal with it’ when it comes to issues. It totally sucks. I wish they would support me getting treatment. Instead, they’re totally against it, think mental health doesn’t exist and say I’m faking having depression as an excuse to ‘be lazy’. I do struggle, but I’ve managed to hold down (stressful) jobs, so surely I can’t be doing that bad?

            Kudos to you for getting out of that toxic environment and getting the help you need. High 5, internet friend!

            1. AlligatorSky*

              Sooo I’m guilty of having a few Budweisers tonight… apologies for the typos!

        9. Marvel*

          I grew up with a mother exactly like yours. Down to telling me to “just do it already” and “you’ll get no sympathy from us.” I also always had depression issues that were very similar to how yours sound. These things are not unrelated.

          Please, please, please… move out as soon as you can, and consider going no contact with your family. That was the only way I could have saved myself. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t done that. I don’t want to be like “this is your ONE SOLUTION and it will AUTOMATICALLY FIX EVERYTHING”… but for me, it was, and after a lot of work processing the abuse in therapy, it really did fix my life in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined when I was living under the shadow of abuse.

          If you have ever imagined a life in which you don’t have to feel like this–a life in which no one belittles you, where you’re free to make decisions that are best for you without having to explain them to anybody, where you can actually pursue the things you want to do–that life exists. It exists and it is glorious. It does not have to be this way. You do not have to live this way. Your family cannot force you to stay in contact, and if they try, the police will be on YOUR side (I’ve had to call them on my family before when they showed up at my house, unexpectedly, from 500 miles away and wouldn’t leave). You are an adult and you have all the rights of one. You never have to speak to your mother again if you do not want to. If it’s a choice between her getting to continue abusing you and you getting to live–your life is more important. Your freedom is more important than her anger.

          Some resources that helped me get away from my parents: Captain Awkward was the main one. Looking up information on narcissistic parents also helped a lot. Please know that you are not alone. I still have PTSD from the abuse, but I am getting better every day, and I am learning how to be happy.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I’ve been looking into going NC with my family for a while now. Kinda nervous though, cause I have family members in Canada whom I’m friendly with, who would find out, and they probably wouldn’t react too well. They’re the only family members I get on with. They know a little about what’s going on, but not the full story. Tbh I feel like it’s best if they don’t know everything. I wish I could go over there and live with them. Sadly it’s not easy to just move from Scotland to Canada. When I was in London for 4 days in March (on my own), for the first time, I had NOBODY controlling me, telling me what to do, putting me down. I wore what I wanted, got up when I wanted, went to sleep when I wanted – it was heaven. She still sent me a bazillion messages on Facebook, but I felt so free. I actually cried the day I was coming home, as I knew I was coming back to this hell. I’m an only child too, and don’t have many family members, so that makes it even harder. Thank you for the recommendation on CA, will be hopping over to that site soon!

            If you don’t mind me asking, did living in that atmosphere/situation before cause you anxiety? I have severe social anxiety, and I’ve always been convinced it’s because of what I deal with at home.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I’d recommend reading a book or two on motherless daughters. This is not just for orphans. It’s for women whose mothers did not fill their roles as mothers. Maybe they were more of a smother than a mother or maybe they were just out and out abusive. There’s all kinds of scenarios and stories. The some of the stories will resonate with you all too well. If you have a large library near you then you can check their catalog you will probably find something, search “motherless daughters”.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Whoops. Hit send too soon. There is a known correlation between an absentee or abusive mother and anxiety attacks later in life. The attacks may not happen while we are growing up, but we get into our 20s and 30s and YIKES! The punch line is to be a good parent to ourselves. We procure what it is we know we need and we never let our own selves down. We try until we get what we need.

    9. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Dude – first of all, I’m throwing all my best wishes to you. I’m really sorry to see you suffering so much, and I hope you get all the help you need and deserve.

      I didn’t read through all of the comments yet, but the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (if you’re in the US) is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I’m not a doctor, but please – PLEASE – give that a call. If you have a therapist currently, I’d say contact them as well. Alternately, the Crisis Text Line (which, admittedly, was the first ad result in Google) can be reached by texting “HOME” to 741741.

      Anyway – is there anyone outside of your family that you can reach out to? If you can, please do so! Friends can be a huge asset to you in these times – and don’t feel like you’re a burden for reaching out. Aside from that…you did mention that you’ve been in therapy, which works for a lot of people. But you need to find a therapist that works for you – and sometimes that’s trial and error. I mean, I LOVE my current therapist, but she wasn’t my first one. I don’t know if you’re under your parents’ insurance still, or whether you have your own insurance – that might complicate things a little bit.

      But…man, you are a valuable and wonderful person, and I hope everyone – including you – can see that. (I mean, I admit this is weird coming from an internet stranger, but…it’s true!)

      1. Case of the Mondays*

        Thanks. I think you are the first. I tried to post w/ a link to the chat and it went to Mod. I bet the same thing happened to others that tried to provide resources.

      2. AlligatorSky*

        When I was at college (from 18 – 21), I attempted to see my college’s therapist. I was placed on a waiting list not long after I enrolled. I started in 2012. I left that college in 2015, having still not seen the therapist and being told I wasn’t even halfway down the waiting list.

        Same thing goes with the counselling at my local doctors. I was referred to for therapy like 4 years ago I think. I’m still on the waiting list. I actually got a letter recently letting me know that I’m still on the list, and that if I’m still interested, they can refer me to a private therapist (But I’m in the UK, and seeing a private therapist is expensive, whilst seeing one through my doctor is free).

        I have really great friends who are always there for me whenever I need to talk. I just feel bad though, cause they’re dealing with their own problems, and they don’t need me dragging them down, you know?

        Thank you for replying – Your comment made me smile, thank you so much!

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          I’m glad I made you smile a little!

          Anyway, I’m from the US so I’m not as sure about any help lines in the UK. But hopefully they should be able to be found easily. I’m also not as sure about the mental health situation there as well, but hopefully you get through any wait lists quickly.

          (Someone who’s dealt with the NHS would know better, but…like, have you told your GP about your feelings? Would that push you further up the list?)

          I’ve had friends with mental health issues and…to get into a little bit of detail, I’ve had issues myself. It’s a little bit of a balancing issue, I’ll admit – it can be overwhelming to have a friend in crisis, so it’s totally understandable that you don’t want to feel like you’re adding on to their burdens. But…in a way, the alternatives would be even worse, so even if it’s overwhelming at the time, I try to listen when it’s really serious. Your initial post said that your family wasn’t supportive – which sucks! They should be supportive because mental health issues are often like any other health issue. They wouldn’t say that you should just deal with brain cancer or a broken leg, I hope. But it doesn’t sound like they will change overnight, so in the meantime get support where you can.

    10. nep*

      It occurs to me we’ve heard from a lot of people here who at one point never thought it would be better–and somehow it is.
      I wish you peace and turning a corner to find whatever will help you.

    11. Survivor*

      I don’t know if this is remotely helpful (I think if someone had said this to me at my worst I would have rolled my eyes at them and it would not have helped) but – it’s worth staying alive. This might sound hokey but I think you’re here for a reason and you just don’t know what it is yet, and maybe you’ll never know but things do get better. I came dangerously close to killing myself three years ago and I look back on that time and it feels so alien and different.

      For me, having a good therapist and her putting me on antidepressants really helped kickstart my recovery. I had been on and off them too and didn’t think I needed them but I’d never been suicidal before and she felt very strongly that I should get on them ASAP and she was right. My family is also not particularly supportive, so having a professional was crucial.

      I am unbelievably happy in my life now and I KNOW it’s not that simple – me saying I’m happy now doesn’t mean anything to you, and I don’t know your life at all, but. It can get better. And you just have to believe that it will and that it’s worth being here. Even if you feel like you aren’t making a difference now, that doesn’t mean you won’t ever. Things can change, even if it takes a long time, and it’s so worth it to keep trying. You’re not a waste of space or oxygen. You’re just not.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I keep telling myself that I can and will get better, but there’s always that part of me that thinks I’m destined to feel like this for the rest of my life and that things will never improve. I don’t want to take my own life, I want to continue living and be happy, it’s just insanely difficult, you know?

        I’ve been feeling like this since the age of 15, and now I just feel like I really don’t wanna deal with it anymore. It’s been 9 painful years, and I have a horrible feeling it’ll be like this forever :(

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It is darkest before the dawn.
          I hated that expression for years.

          But sometimes when we just think things cannot get worse, that is when we have that break through. One small thing changes, it’s a miracle. So we go and try to do something else, and sure enough we get another small change. This makes two small changes. So we try one more time and sure enough, we have a third small change.

          One small thing I see here and it’s not small actually, is that you are talking with us. AS, there are so many super smart people here. Their collective wisdom rivals any encyclopedia. People ask all kinds of questions and someone has an idea of what to do. You have a little gold mine right here. So. Small change #1. Expect small change #2 very soon.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Sometimes I feel like screaming at them. HE was a member of our family, he shared the same blood as us, yet it’s as if he was never here. I barely know anything about him because nobody will talk about him. God, I know more about his suicide than about the guy himself.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You have done more to honor him by remembering him than probably your whole family combined. Please hang on to that thought, YOU honor/remember him. His life was not wasted, because you remember.

          Sometimes we can fail to process our own grief because we are too busy watching what others are doing. My suggestion here is go ahead and continue to honor/remember this person on your own. Process your own grief.
          More to the point, realize that the story continues. They are treating you the way they treated him. Your family does not have the skills to help you, nor do they go at life in a manner you want to go at life. This is very sad and most definitely can cause grief and anger. In the end, though, the only person who really needs to know that we need help is just our own selves. We need to know when we have had enough, or are over our heads and we need to get that help to bail us out.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I really want to go see his grave again. The lease (I don’t know the terms, so I may be wrong) on his gravesite/grave area expired a few years ago, so I don’t even know if his grave is being taken care of. It’s a pain to get to the area, as I’d have to take a train, walk for about 30 minutes then walk down a reaaaaaaaallly loooooooong road to get there. The family member who occasionally tended to the grave passed away herself almost 10 years ago, so nobody visits it now, as she was the only one who did.

            I wish I could go lay flowers. I’ll find a way, hopefully. There’s not many family photos of him and I, but there is a family home video of him teaching 2 year old me how to play golf. Me being a typical 2 year old, all I really did was whack him with the club the whole time, but he seemed to be enjoying teaching me, haha.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Aww, he cared enough to teach you golf. Very sweet.

              Okay so you need someone to go with you to the cemetery. This is not that big a deal for a lot of people. If you lived nearby I would come get you, we could go this afternoon. (I am in the US, it’s not nearby, sigh.)

              My suggestion is stop looking for the people close to you to take you. I am thinking you need them to find the grave. No, not really. Call the cemetery office or the church affiliated with the cemetery and ask if someone would help you find the plot. Someone will help.

              Okay so now how to figure out how to get there. I think you are financially okay so you probably have a little bit of cash to give someone gas money if they agreed to take you. Do you have a trusted friend at work? How about church? Perhaps you don’t go to church. But you could go to a local church and ask if someone would be willing to help you get there. Offer gas money. Some churches will just jump right on a request like that.
              Bring your phone and take pictures. This is not as morbid as it sounds. Many people do this so they can find the grave again. But it also gives you pictures for when you cannot get there and you want to go again.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                It’s times like this when I wish I could drive.

                The cemetery/crematorium does have an office/website, so I’m going to give them a call tomorrow and ask if someone can help me locate the grave/urn. It’s been so long that I was last there that I can’t remember where it last was.

                I do have a good friend of mine who can drive. She’s always said that she’s up for helping me out with anything, so I’m glad I have that option. She works 12 hour days every single day, so I might wait until she has some time off, she doesn’t live near the cemetery/crematorium and I don’t want to tire her out.

                I could technically get there myself – it’s just that the main road to the crematorium is a very long road, and it’s the road that hearses/funeral cars go down when there’s a funeral going on. I’m terrified I would walk down and turn round to discover a bunch of cars behind me :(

                There’s also another road that leads to the crematorium but it goes past a bunch of houses and because of how small it is, it looks to me like a possible private road. I wish I could show you on Google Maps.

                I definitely will look into churches – I live in an area surrounded by them (I think there’s like 3 or 4), so that’s definitely an option.

                I always carry my phone around with me, along with a portable charger. I’ll make sure to bring them with me.

                Thank you so much, you are seriously a wonderful person. Your help is much appreciated, virtual hugs to you!

    13. Red*

      I will type out a longer reply when I’m not on my phone, but I just wanted to say, it can and does get better. It did for me, and it can for you too. The right meds and the right choice of family (yes, you can choose who you call family) will change everything. I really do wish you all the best. *metric fton of hugs if you want them*

      1. AlligatorSky*

        You are amazing. I know we don’t know each other, but your comment means a lot to me. Thank you <3

        1. Red*

          No, thank *you*. It takes a whole lot of balls to be here in this world when your brain chemistry doesn’t want you to be, and the world is better for having you in it (for real, just take my word for it if you don’t believe me) so thank *you* for staying as long as you have and hopefully a lot longer.

          Anyway, story time. A while back (five years ago as of the 23rd) I was living with my mother and stepdad. My mom was a loon in the worst sort of way. She forbade me from seeking mental health help or doing anything outside of school and work, and then would take much of my money anyhow. I was f’ing miserable. That’s what happens when you have undiagnosed and untreated bipolar and an abusive mother!

          Well, she kicked me out of the house. She realized she couldn’t control me and if she couldn’t control me, she didn’t want me. She took all my savings and bagged up most of my clothes in trash bags for me (or the garbageperson, but whatever, I took them), and I was homeless. Spent some time couchsurfing, and eventually found a place of my own with my name on the lease. In the process, I got the help I needed and found the medications that made life liveable, had a boatload of therapy, found some beautiful freedom, and now life is really flipping good.

          I say all this to say, I’ve been in a similarly crappy situation, it got drastically worse, and my life is so much better now. It got better. It really did! So can yours! So please, just trust an internet stranger here – it is worth another day. It’s worth a whole lot of tomorrows, but just take them one at a time if you want because I know how much work they can be. It’s not always going to suck. One day you will wake up and be at peace with being alive, I promise.

          If you want someone to talk to outside of this thread, Alison has full permission to give you my email (and I can only assume she’s reading this because I probably swore a bit – sorry!).

          1. Red*

            This one is separate because it contains a link, but if you can’t go the route of no-contact yet, captainawkward.com has a lot of good advice on dealing with crap situations. Browse the archives or send in a letter if you’d like.

            In addition, there is a text line for crises if you think a hotline call would be overheard and make things worse, or are just more comfortable communicating over text! Text “start” to 741741. I think it’s a US thing so my apologies if that’s not where you are, but lmk and I can find you resources from where you are.

            1. AlligatorSky*

              Thank you so much, I appreciate your help a lot. I live and I’m from the wonderful (boring) land of haggis and bagpipes!

          2. AlligatorSky*

            I’ve sent Alison an email asking if she can pass on your email address, I love the amount of supportive comments I’ve had here. I’m used to getting negative comments at home, so this support is truly amazing.

            We have SO much in common, the comments from our mothers refusal to let us do anything, refusal to help us get mental health help, the financial abuse, the fact that we both have stepdads, (mine is a jerk).

            I really, really hope that one day I can look back on this time in my life and be thankful that I survived it. It’s just scary to think that one day I may not get to do that, if my depression keeps winning this ‘fight.’ :(

            1. Red*

              I would so just post my email if it weren’t my name, ugh. That’s what I get for trying to have an email I can put on a resume! I’m just glad you can find support and companionship. It really does make a world of difference. You’ll know my name shortly when Alison gives you my email but for the rest of an introduction – I’m 24, I’m from the land of Buffalo wings and crappy football, and I really like math, making candles, and origami. We’re officially friends now. And trust me, this is a fight you can win. I’m very serious about that.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                Sweet, we’re the same age! Speaking of names, my two middle names give me the initials MC, so when I type my name, it’s Amy (I don’t even know if I’m allowed to post my name here, oops) MC (insert last name here). People often think I’m trying to be a rapper because of the MC part, hahahah. It’s included in my email address, and I’ve had people pronounce it as part of my surname (Think McCartney) or asking me if I’m a rapper. I did record a very short rap about potatoes back in 2015 when I had too many Budweisers and rediscovered Garageband, but ahem, let’s just pretend that never happened.

                I love making new friends. I don’t get to do it often, but when I do, it’s amazing.

                1. Red*

                  I think the way it works here is that we’re allowed to call ourselves whatever we’d like (and I think a few actually use their real names) but many like anonymity and I am among that list. My name is spelled a super uncommon way so it’s very identifying. You’ll see lol. Love the potato rap idea btw – potatoes are perfect and Budweiser can be dangerous. Reisling is what gets me every time, though. I simply cannot be an adult and drink it – last time I tried to, I renamed every category in my budget to thinks I thought were hilarious. Think “our house, in the middle of the street” for the rent category and “MORE POWER!!!!” for the electric bill. Still cracks me up every time I go to pay my bills.

                2. AlligatorSky*

                  LOL Red, that’s something I would do. I have a savings account that for some bizarre reason, I named ‘Yeehaw!’ on the official account. I had to call my bank recently about and they asked me to confirm the name of the savings account. That was fun explaining to the bank employee that my savings account was named ‘Yeehaw’ hahahahahhaa.

                3. Red*

                  Hahaha, I can only imagine the look on the bank employee’s face! Speaking of savings accounts, please ensure that your mother does not have access to yours – that’s how mine stole $3500 from me. What a jerk, right? And the bank could do nothing because it was technically her account too, so therefore her money to withdraw. In other news, my cat just caught a severe case of the zoomies and is running around my apartment like a chicken with its’ head removed. She’s a loon :)

                4. AlligatorSky*

                  I’m happy to say that she has no access to my savings! I’ve got them locked down and I make sure that my password for it isn’t saved anywhere, plus it requires my fingerprint to access them on my banks app on my phone. She wanted access, but I said something to her that I’m not going to repeat (Hint; rhymes with duck, includes other words too) and she backed off.

                  Currently my savings are being used for travelling as I have a few trips to London coming up, (I definitely have my priorities in check), but once my trips are over, any leftover money plus money I make is going straight into my ‘Bye bye crazy family’ fund.

                  Hahahah zoomies!! My dog’s been doing zoomies since we brought him home 13 years ago. He’s a Yorkie, and looks like a real life teddy bear. He’s 13 yet still has a ‘puppy like’ face – I fall in love with him every time I look at his face.

                  Since you have a cat, I’ll ask you this; What’s the best way to ‘bond’ with one who doesn’t know you? My dad and his gf have one, I don’t see them often, but whenever I do, I tend to avoid it. I was attacked by my aunt’s cat when I was a kid, so I’ve had a fear of cats ever since. It brushes up against me and I’ll stroke it for like a second and whatnot then shoot off in the opposite direction. I want to be able to relax around it, but I’m just terrified of being attacked again. It’s a shame because it seems like a super friendly cat and always wants to curl up against me, I’m just scared!

    14. Caledonia*

      AlligatorSky – the world would be a worse off place without you in it.
      Sending you strength and hope and light.

      Can you keep your meds at work? Like, in a locker?

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thank you so much <3

        I could actually keep them at work. I have a lockable (!!!!) (still amazed that I actually have something that locks for the first time in my life) drawer at my desk. I could keep them in there. No idea why I didn't think of that before, but thank you!

    15. deesse877*

      Will read thread shortly, but must say this first:

      1) I too am treatment-resistant (13 med regimens and 5 years of talk, no real change in major depression and anxiety, klonipin as stopgap), and the single most important thing I have had to do–more even than finding strength day-to-day–is convince myself that there’s no relationship between my response to treatment and my worth. We deserve to get better, even if we frustrate other people’s beliefs and expectations about how to do it. You deserve to get better.

      2) Your family is something you can take some distance from. It’s incredibly hard, but you can do it. What I do is just….not talk to them about any of it. That doesn’t eliminate their ability to hurt me, but it cuts it by 70%
      or more.

      Take care.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        It totally sucks that no medication has worked for me yet. It’s super frustrating to just go around in circles :(

        I tend to spend 99% of my time in my room. The 1% is when my laptop dies and I need to charge it up, but I’m buying a spare charger so I don’t need to go downstairs to charge it. The more time I spent away from them makes me feel a little better. Unfortunately they take that to be me being ‘antisocial’, ‘a selfish PoS’, an ‘ungrateful little **** (rhymes with lit) and even once called me a sociopath. My mother told me when I was around 9 or 10 that she was convinced I would grow up to be a sociopath. These days, I’m filled with anger whenever I see her. She’s treated me so badly over the years that even thinking about her, hearing her name or hearing her voice angers me. As soon as I step in the house, I feel myself getting angry and upset. I get frustrated and easily annoyed at the slightest things. Yesterday I got home from work, she picked a fight with me within 5 minutes and I had to leave the room as I felt the rage building up. Thankfully I just put Netflix on and calmed down, but it’s still frustrating. My anger doesn’t amount to anything (unlike her, she’ll throw things and slam things when she’s angry), and I’ve always managed to calm down without any consequences, but it’s just so annoying.

        1. deesse877*

          My earlier comment, prior to reading all your details, was cavalier about your family situation. I apologize wholeheartedly. You are dealing with severe abuse, on a level that would endanger the health and safety of someone with no mental health issues at all. Hide your money, as much as you can, figure out how to borrow some more, and go.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            No worries! It’s cool! :)

            I’m currently saving up to move out. Hopefully I will be out within a few months. I feel like staying at home is a literal death sentence.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Someone said depression is anger turned inwards. What do you do for your anger? Do you walk/exercise? How to you handle the extra energy?

          Your mother’s thinking is pretty contorted. There is no such thing as depression but there is a thing called sociopath? This must be a cafeteria type of psychology where you only pick the parts that fill the agenda of slamming another person down.

          Your mother sounds like mine. She liked to slam things and yell. It’s not consolation but in the end her anger ate her and killed her. Then it hit me. I would go down that same road if I did not change what I was doing.

          You have extra energy stemming from that anger. Find healthy ways to use it up. Perhaps a neighbor needs help with their garden. Maybe you like pets and your friend has a pup and not enough time to play with the pup.
          See, anger is not wrong. Your mother is a cruel and unjust person. I think most of us are sitting on the edge of our chairs saying, “Where ARE you? I will be right over!” That is how clearly and blatantly cruel this woman is.
          So your anger is appropriate. Decide on a positive proactive thing you will do so your Justified Anger does not eat up your insides.

    16. AlligatorSky*

      Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has replied to me today. I honestly can’t tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you for commenting. You’re all my new friends and you all mean so much to me.

      Thank you <3

      1. Caledonia*

        <3
        How do you feel when you are away from your family situation? I wonder if some of the cause is down to that and that by leaving this will help treat your depression.
        Secondly, depression is wonky chemistry. It is not a character flaw.

        1. AlligatorSky*

          I feel a lot better when I’m away from my family. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m going away for the weekend in a couple of weeks, and the thought of not having to deal with them for a few days is HEAVEN.

      2. Detached Elemental*

        I’m replying very late (different time zone) but wanted to let you know I’m sending you positive thoughts and support.

    17. DrWombat*

      Sending you internet hugs! FWIW, I think the doctors would be happy to see you back, because they want you to do better. It’s common for people to take a lot of trying before they find something that works, and if a doctor is annoyed by that, they’re a jerk. You deserve to have a team that is supportive of you, be it a GP, a therapist, or any sort of combination you need. You are valid and worthy of support. I’ll reiterate what others have said – depression is a liar, and it can be insidious. It’s a very hard fight and you are so so brave for keeping on.

      I second the idea of finding a therapist – I’ve seen one for anxiety and some other issues in the past, but finding one who can help you as a whole person is awesome. I hope you find an amazing one.

      Seanan McGuire is an author who is a favorite of mine, and an amazing person in general, but she’s also written a lot about her struggles with mental illness and you may find some of her work interesting/helpful. I’ve also heard from some people that the Hyperbole and a Half book was good, as well. But whatever you decide to do, know there are people pulling for you and wishing you well. Your story is not done.

    18. Belle di Vedremo*

      Hey, friend, there’s a whole community here who cares about you. Having read your descriptions of your mom’s behaviour, I’m going to agree with the folks who say you need a break from them. No one thrives on the kind of abuse you are being subjected to, no matter the source. It’s good to hear that you are looking for ways to move away.

      You know about the Samaritans, right? https://www.samaritans.org/your-community/samaritans-ireland-scotland-and-wales/samaritans-scotland. I don’t know what resources they know about to share with you, but there’re an other way to talk with a person in real time, even in the middle of the night.

      Medications – they work when one takes them regularly, so if your mom is confiscating them it’ll be hard to give them a real chance to work. One advantage of living somewhere else will be the option of giving them a chance to work. I like the idea of keeping your meds with you rather than leaving them at home. If you have a nearby friend who could keep them for you that might also help.

      You aren’t responsible for your family’s pain and miserable coping skills. You aren’t responsible for fixing any of it, either. That means in part that twisting yourself into knots isn’t going to make things better.

      Your words here are clear and thoughtful. Imagine what you will be able to do when you’re out from under the family misery. It may take some time to clear away the detritus from their behaviour, but your life will be so much better when you’re not subject to this behaviour.

      Please be in touch with your doctor, and please let the doc know that a) your mom is confiscating your meds and b) is recommending self harm. That might help the doc quantify the seriousness of your situation in ways that get you more help sooner. If nothing else, the doc should have access to information to help you along faster. And the doctor should know that you don’t want your family to have access to your medical information, so if they’re on a list of people who do please tell the doc that needs to change for your safety.

      We believe you, and believe in you. And we see a much brighter future for you. Please stay around to discover it.

      Internet hugs.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        AS is actually smart, clever and very brave. Most people would have been crushed by this family by now. These people are more like 5 ton boulders than they are a family. But not AS. She knows deep down there is something better out there and it is a matter of finding it.

  45. LongTimeReader*

    I have read many a weekend thread and always appreciate the comments so I’m putting my own issue out to you.
    My husband is unhappy with his job and looking to leave asap. This originally wasn’t going to affect me much at all because he was going to get a remote job and the only change would be how often he’s home. Now he’s got a final interview with a company that would require us to move to Seattle (though I have full veto power). I lived in Seattle for college and I love the city but I was so prepared to stay where I currently am forever.
    There are so many factors at work here:
    1) We currently live 1,000 miles from family and like it that way – Seattle would only be about an hour or two drive.
    2) When I left Seattle, I kind of neglected all my friendships there. There are a few people I’d love to get in touch with if I move back but I put all my effort into cultivating friendships out here and now that feels like a waste. Of course I can keep up with the friends I made out here online but the organizations I became a part of are a different story.
    I’m someone who gets excited facing the unknown and once a decision is made I’m sure I will throw myself into the planning with vigor but I’m also incredibly stressed. Yesterday I looked up houses in the area and it was fun and exciting but I also cried at the drop of a hat and felt strung so tight you could play me like a guitar.
    Should I be doing this to myself? Would it be better to wait until he has an offer in hand to even consider what needs to be done in order to move? Also, assuming he gets an offer, how do I decide if I’m really okay with taking it and having to move?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think you should talk to your husband about your concerns now. Don’t wait until he has an offer in hand and needs to make a decision. It should be an ongoing conversation where you both talk about the pros and cons and what this will mean for your future.

      1. LongTimeReader*

        Sorry if my post somehow gave the impression that I haven’t talked about this with my husband, it’s more that he can’t make the decision for me. For him the biggest concern/possible deciding factor (besides family stuff, which is much less an issue for him) is just how much it will cost to get the cat and the dog and all our things over there. For me it’s things like will I be happy leaving all the work I’ve done for this charity behind or can we find a new church I would actually feel like raising children in or will I be comfortable with the social atmosphere? That last one’s kind of silly sounding because for four years I’ve lived in seemingly the conservative evangelical capital and found my niche just fine. Perhaps I’d have a much easier time in a city like Seattle but I’d still have to do the work of finding it.

    2. Free Meerkats*

      I don’t know how long you’ve been gone from Seattle, but housing prices here have gone totally bug nuts.

      I get the family bit, being here puts me as far as I can be from family and still be in CONUS. Not that I have any of the family crap I read about online, but it works for me. How will being closer to family manifest itself for you? Will you be expected to spend every weekend with them? Do you anticipate unannounced visits an inopportune moments?

      1. LongTimeReader*

        We’re actually looking at Bremerton because his office would be walking distance from the ferry terminal. I hear that’s better for house prices and, considering in the four years I’ve lived here my parents haven’t flown out to visit once, I’d say a $30 ferry fee would be a pretty good deterrent to unannounced visits. Although I don’t expect to be asked to spend every weekend with my family, you have reminded me that we have two sets of parents and MIL might be more likely to expect that. I just saw that my brother is home from college and it would be nice to live close enough to see him when he’s home or see my sister whenever she’s free. There’s certainly nice things about being close to family, there’s just a lot of other stuff I’d have to learn how to deal with.

        1. Epiphyta*

          Bremerton is cheaper (as is most of Kitsap County aside from Bainbridge Island), and as long as you do your research about the different neighbourhoods, would be workable. You should know going in that Colman Dock is undergoing major reconstruction that won’t be completed before 2023 at the earliest, and there are going to be knock-on effects even for walk-on ferry passengers.

          Also, there are plans underway to shut down the Bremerton hospital and move the beds to a new facility up the road in Silverdale; it’s not far, but if immediate access to emergency care is essential for you, it’s something to consider.

          1. Epiphyta*

            And you’re correct about the ferry putting visitors off: I know dozens of people who commute daily to the Seattle side for work, but there are friends of 20 years in Seattle who have never set foot in my home; getting on the boat is just too weird.

          2. LongTimeReader*

            Thanks, that’s really useful to know. He’s asked for a later flight to check out the ferry trip but I don’t know if he’ll end up being able to.

            1. Epiphyta*

              The ferry is a big data point! Yesterday my son visited and because of heavy holiday traffic, four crossings were delayed by 40 minutes; he didn’t get home until 11. Oh, here’s something else I didn’t know until I moved here: if someone needs to be transported to Seattle for emergency care and the air ambulances are out on other calls, the ferries can make the 35-minute trip in 18 – AND as soon as the ambulance is loaded, the boat leaves. Doesn’t matter if there’s 100 cars waiting to board and walk-on passengers are running from the day parking spaces, or if they have to hold for 10 minutes waiting for it to arrive; I’ve experienced both, and it’s accepted as part of the price of admission for living here.

              You may be perfectly okay with this! But it’s better to know ahead of time: if more of you

            2. Epiphyta*

              The ferry is a big data point! Yesterday my son visited and because of heavy holiday traffic, four crossings were delayed by 40 minutes; he didn’t get home until 11. Oh, here’s something else I didn’t know until I moved here: if someone needs to be transported to Seattle for emergency care and the air ambulances are out on other calls, the ferries can make the 35-minute trip in 18 – AND as soon as the ambulance is loaded, the boat leaves. Doesn’t matter if there’s 100 cars waiting to board and walk-on passengers are running from the day parking spaces, or if they have to hold for 10 minutes waiting for it to arrive; I’ve experienced both, and it’s accepted as part of the price of admission for living here.

              You may be perfectly okay with this! But it’s better to know ahead of time: if more of your life turns out to be anchored in Seattle, you may find it hard knowing that if you miss the last ferry, you’re not going to be heading home until 5 .30 in the morning.

    3. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      You’ve done a lot of thinking about all that you would lose in the move/change.

      What would you gain?

      1. LongTimeReader*

        That’s a great point, I started a conversation with my husband framed this way and it’s somehow way less stressful.

  46. At least this way I get a WIDE berth on the bus.*

    Curious if anyone here has experience with chronic hives.

    Basically, I moved to a new city recently and I have been plagued by constant hives. Head to toe. They are NOT subtle — they will suddenly start appearing all over my neck and face andbhands when I am in a meeting.

    Doctors have done a gazillion tests at this point, and the best they can tell me is that a) it appears to be hives, no measles or shingles or anything like that, b) I don’t appear to be allergic to anything (not even the laundry soap) and c) they have no idea how to make it go away. Basically the advice has been antihistamines to keep down the itch (it doesn’t seem to make the hives themselves go away) and wear a lot of long-sleeve shirts so I don’t scare people.

    Obviously, this is not ideal. Help, internet, help!

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I have chronic hives that come up randomly and I also get them as “pressure hives” so if I have pressure on an arm or leg or whatnot, HIVE. For years I thought I had food allergies and then I went to a food allergist who said I have none. He basically said some people get random hives and they don’t really know why, most likely due to an autoimmune issue (google random idiopathic urticaria). Alternatively, I also get them if I have or am about to get a virus, so that could be something for you to consider since it doesn’t sound like you have had them your whole life, like I have. Good luck!

    3. Lady Jay*

      I had a college friend who had troubles with hives whenever she was stressed. When she got an attack of hives, she’d go on a “green diet”: basically green smoothies (e.g. spinach, kale, broccoli) for a few days, maybe with some nuts thrown in, until the hives subsided. Long-term, she adopted a low-antihistamine diet: lots of fresh food, avoidance of foods that are high in histamines (peanut butter, I think, is among them, but there are also whole websites devoted to unpacking the low-histamine diet, so there should be help out there.)

      Good luck!

    4. Ali G*

      I know you said you were tested for allergies, but that sounds a lot like what happens to me when I take meds based on sulfa (which is in some meds and I am allergic to it). Are you on any new meds? If so, I would see if they are sulfa based and ask your doc to prescribe one that is not and see if that helps.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, sulfa! That’s how I found out as a kid that I’m allergic to sulfa drugs. I got a bladder infection and the drug they gave me had sulfa. I broke out in big red welts all over my body. They put me on something else and I was fine.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      No advice, but my friend developed the same issue about 10 years ago. At the time it seemed as though ibuprofen was the culprit, so she stopped using it and took an antihistamine everyday and was pretty much fine. All of a sudden a few months ago it started again. She couldn’t figure out what was causing the hives. She went to an allergy doctor and she’s only allergic to cats and dogs, and dust. Nothing out of the ordinary and nothing she wasn’t allergic to 10 years ago. All the doctor could say was basically the same thing your doctor told you. Some days will be worse, some better, and there appears to be no reason for it: it just is. Sorry you’re going through this!

    6. Hivey*

      I had this happen to me a few years ago and my dermatologist ran a blood panel. Sometimes hives can be caused by a virus or bacterial infection. That wasn’t the case for me, but maybe worth looking into? What finally helped me was taking a stronger anti-histamine during the day and a lower dose anti-histamine right before I went to bed. I’ve also seen pamphlets at my allergist’s office for a type of injection they do for people that have chronic hives that aren’t helped by anti-histamines. A visit to a dermatologist or allergist who has experience treating chronic hives could help.

    7. Mimmy*

      Could it be poison ivy? This has happened to me numerous times, and we usually trace it back to having worked in the yard a week prior.

    8. Case of the Mondays*

      There are some food allergies for which there are no tests at this point. You could try an elimination diet. I get hives from Red Dye 40.

    9. LadyKelvin*

      I used to get hives regularly (and randomly) from stress. I’ve worked very hard to manage my stress so it doesn’t happen very often anymore, but I can tell when I’m not doing well because I’ll break out in hives in all my joints (elbows, knees, neck, etc). Maybe evaluate your life and see what might be stressing you out, even unbeknownst to you. Yoga, meditation, and running are what really helped me get a handle on things.

    10. Too Embarrassed to Use My Usual Name*

      For many years I had an undiagnosed food allergy. After eating an offending food I would break out in hives, almost always on the insides of my thighs, but also sometimes on my buttocks and belly. I don’t consider myself a slut, but at the time I thought maybe I had contracted herpes or some other “social disease.” I made several embarrassing trips to be tested, first at my college health service when I was a student, and later to Planned Parenthood. Of course the tests all came back negative. The people at Planned Parenthood were all very professional and kind, and didn’t make me feel bad. But still, I can’t believe how ignorant I was.

    11. Observer*

      Two weird allergies I’ve encountered. One, as mentioned, is Sulfa – but I would expect that you would know when you are taking that. The other is allergy to cold. (Google cold urticaria.) This happened to one of my children. We have no idea what caused it, nor why is eventually just disappeared.

    12. anonagain*

      I had this for a while, until I switched anti-histamines and started taking them every day. Now it just happens every once in a while. I’ll have a few hive-y days where I break out a lot.

      We never got it totally pinned down but the best guess is a mild mast cell issue. It seemed to be triggered by stress, temperature changes, exercise, and anything scratching my skin.

    13. Southernbelle*

      1) I also have this although I am allergic to, like, everything. It sucks. I break out in hives when I exercise, when it’s hot, sometimes when I have a single half-glass of wine…. etc. It’s generally caused by “something, then something else, then we dunno, then your mast cells freak out” which is a super helpful scientific explanation, amirite?
      2) You might want to google “chronic idiopathic urticaria”. And… I assume they tested your total IgE levels and histamine levels to rule out true mast cell disorders and so on? And things like EDS that often have a mast-cell component? And… celiac disease? (There’s something called pollen-food allergy that also often causes this, but it does require a pollen allergy.)
      3) There’s a very expensive and kind of scary antibody injection that’s now available to treat chronic hives (I’ve been on it for a couple years) – this would require another consulation with some allergists though.
      4) There are many kinds of foods which cause histamine *release*, separate from the amount of histamine in the food, and also separate from true IgE mediated allergic responses – it’s called mast cell degranulation- and, for the commenter above, NSAIDs are also known to do this. (Along with caffeine, alcohol, chocolate, and every kind of other delicious thing.) Also, heat.
      5) I am not your doctor so ask your doctor/allergist but mine have me take the maximum dose of an H2 blocker twice daily (ranitidine or famotidine) as there are several studies about its effects on skin itching.
      6) My email is on my blog in the sidebar if you want to get in touch, though I’m not sure I can be helpful. But sympathetic!!

    14. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

      I got these for a while, and it turned out I was severely hyperthyroid. Your doctors have probably already ruled out thyroid/liver/autoimmune stuff if they’ve done a lot of tests (this was literally the first thing they did after drawing my blood), but if not it might be worth checking into.

  47. Bibliovore*

    Freefloating anxiety today. Trying to do the next right thing.
    Got diagnosed with arthritis in my wrist and trigger thumb. Shot of cortisone. Doesn’t seem to help. PT and a brace on Tuesday morning. Sigh.

  48. KatieKate*

    Any Frightened Rabbit fans here? I’m really struggling with Scott’s death. His music has mean’t/means so much to me and I’ve just spent the last day and half going relistening to everything and reading different tributes.

    1. AlligatorSky*

      Hey, I love Frightened Rabbit. I’ve been listening to Floating in the Forth for the past couple of days nonstop. I just can’t believe it. I feel so heartbroken and lost :(

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I saw that…it’s really upsetting. I went to one of their concerts maybe five years ago, and that memory/their music is tied up in some complicated feelings for me. I was really sad to hear that he had died.

    3. living-in-colour*

      I was hoping someone would post about this. I just saw him during the tour not even 3 months ago and I have the FR canvas tote bag that I carry everywhere… I couldn’t focus at work yesterday, I’ve been listening to everything and in general I just don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with death so I just feel like I don’t know how to process it. :(

      1. KatieKate*

        I got to see them on tour last Fall for the first time and I’m so glad I did.I spent most of yesterday in bed just listening to the music and I feel like I’ve come out the other side at this point. I hope you’re doing better today too.

    4. Daphne*

      The band are one that I kept missing when they toured. I always thought I would get another chance to see them, gutted! Scott hailed from a town local to me so the news is even more poignant. How sad that he touched so many with his music but felt he had to leave this way.

  49. Yetanotherjennifer*

    Physical activity thread!

    How’s your week been? What are your goals for this week?

    I’ve got company this weekend, and with my broken ankle, my goal is to not do too much.

    1. nep*

      As mentioned above, oral surgery has meant I’ve had to give up strenuous exercise for several days. I’ve been doing just light body weight exercises and stretching (partly to help with the unease that comes with lack of working out the way I’m used to.) Just focusing on being grateful for my overall health and I know I’ll have to be patient when I get back to it, as I’ll have to rebuild strength and stamina.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve been playing intramural soccer recently as a way to get more active. Unfortunately, I think I strained my quad. Walking is…okay… but running and things hurt quite a bit.

      Of course it would have to be my “bad” leg. The leg that’s already been through a knee dislocation and a sprained ankle.

      Every time I try to start getting active I seem to get injured or ill, and usually not in a way that’s directly related to the activity (this soccer injury is an outlier in that regard).

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I ended up taking short walks every day this week and it was really nice because we had fantastic weather. My mom and I are planning to join the local Y soon too and one of the perks we get from our employer is a discounted monthly rate on membership. Plus, if we go 6 times in a month for 3 months in a row, the 4th month is free.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I got all my workouts in (four days on my own using the gym at work and one day with the trainer), but Wednesday I was just not feeling it. I worked out, but definitely not as hard as usual. My back is bothering me more this week, which could be part of why I slogged through it that day. Trainer made me do some burpees Thursday, which I don’t care for. With my back issues I’m always worried I’ll hurt myself, but he limits it to about two sets of 6-10 each set and makes sure before I do them that I’m feeling up to it. Since I haven’t done them very much yet, I’m pretty awkward at it. Plus I have long legs and it makes it hard to get down on the floor and then back up the way I’m supposed to.

      Yesterday’s workout was good. I added 10 pounds to the lat pull down for a total of 60 pounds. :) It was tough, but I did it. I also did some chest presses, which I don’t normally do. I’m hoping that will help me do a full pushup; it’s been two years of working out and I STILL can’t get all the way down into a full pushup.

      Finally, I’m very proud of myself that I’m still working out consistently after two years. I’ve never made it this far before. Normally six months is the point at which I get bored with just about anything I try. Going to a trainer once a week is a huge help–if I don’t workout on my own at least three times a week, it’s a total waste of money, which is mostly what keeps me going. Plus I don’t want to gain all the weight back or wreck the tummy tuck I had. I look around at a lot of other people who have lost a lot of weight by whatever means, and so many of them talk about how they just love to workout and they have so much energy, etc., etc., etc. It annoys me that that didn’t happen to me. I’m still not a high energy person even though I’m no longer morbidly obese, and I don’t love working out and I have to force myself to do it, but I do it nonetheless. I’m proud of myself that I never skip “just because.” If I skip, it’s because I’m sick, super busy, or my back is really acting up. I never cancel the trainer, either, without a good reason.

      1. Gingerbread*

        How do you motivate yourself to workout? I’ve been working out with a trainer for a few months, but haven’t exercised much on my own.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I had weight loss surgery over four years ago and then had a tummy tuck last year to remove a bunch of excess skin. Between the money I spent for that–insurance wouldn’t cover a lot of it, and the tummy tuck was totally out of pocket– and the money I spend on a trainer, even for once a week, I know that if I don’t work out on my own at least three to four times a week, I’m wasting money now and will have wasted a lot of money, time, pain and hard work if I gain all the weight back. I’d be an a$$hole if I let that happen. Honestly, that’s actually what keeps me going. Now that I’ve been doing it for two years, I just know it’s something I have to do for the rest of my life if I want to stay in shape, help my back feel better (bulging discs and an annular tear, plus scoliosis), not regain the weight and feel good about myself. I’ve just accepted that this is part of my life and daily routine, so I just suck it up and do it. Instead of taking a lunch hour at work, I eat at my desk and then go in the gym from 4 pm-5 pm. I don’t love it, and I barely like it much of the time, but I like feeling physically strong. I just keep in mind that the next hour is going to tick by whether I exercise or not. It’s inevitable that the time will pass. Might as well just do it and get it over with so I feel better about myself. I spent the first 39 years of my life being overweight (as young as three), then obese (pre-teen through about 24), and then morbidly obese (probably 25 through 39). I’m tired of that and I’m not going back. And in order to not go back, I have to keep up the workouts.

          Sorry, that was really long, but that’s what keeps me going.

    5. Ex-Academic, Future Accountant*

      I’ve been a “beginning runner” for something like 8 years. I try to start doing it regularly, then stop for whatever reason, and then not get back into it, then start again, and never make any long-term progress. But I recently heard about this app called “Zombies, Run!”, which is basically gamified interval training –it’s the zombie apocalypse, you’re running from zombies, and you listen to these little radio plays that are also giving you instructions on when to walk, run, speed up, slow down, etc. I started with the 5K trainer, which started easy enough even for me, and I’m just under halfway through it. I can really feel my endurance increasing, and it’s great.

      This app is perhaps the first thing that actually got me excited about going running — even 4 weeks in, I’m still thinking “when’s the next day I can make time to do this again?” whereas usually in the past it’s felt more like a chore.

        1. Ex-Academic, Future Accountant*

          Yeah, I’m like “where has this app been all my life?” :D

      2. bearing*

        I love Zombies, Run! I don’t use it every time but it’s fun to mix it up. Especially good if you run around 30 min at a time (that’s me!)

    6. HannahS*

      Oh man, I’ve had this awful cold for three weeks, which means I’ve barely been moving at all! It feels so gross. I’m going for a long walk today, and hopefully a few days from now I can try my new building’s pool out.

    7. DrWombat*

      Finally building up stamina! Up to hauling 30lb of feed at work plus the 5lb weight of the bucket, but I need to remind myself to go slow so I don’t spend my day off with the heat pad strapped to my back like it is today. Trying to take it a bit easy today, but glad that I’m finally building up more strength, and my forearms are finally gaining muscle!

      Still trying to find good orthotics – the “no returns” policy on a lot of them means its expensive trial and error, but the custom orthotics I got last year even with a bunch of tweaking, didn’t really help my arch pain. Thinking about trying some Spencos next.

  50. Lady Jay*

    Health insurance question! Due to life changes, I’ll have a two month gap in coverage this summer, and I have a bunch of questions about it! I thought I’d throw them out to the commentariat here:

    1) My plan is to purchase short-term insurance to cover the actual healthcare part of it, but it’s my understanding that I may also face the tax penalty for not having ADA-approved healthcare during that time. Do you know, is this correct or incorrect?

    2) Somebody also suggested that I look into COBRA for those months. Can anybody tell me about that?

    3) I’ll be moving out-of-state as part of my life changes. Should I purchase short term insurance in the state I’m moving *from* or the state I’m moving *to*? Does it matter? I tried Googling this and only turned up a bunch of articles reminding me that I can’t purchase long-term insurance from another state.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      COBRA basically extends your current benefits when you leave your job for a specific period of time. It’s generally *very* expensive, but it may be worth it if you know you’ll only need it briefly and you have ongoing health issues.

    2. KAZ2Y5*

      For COBRA, check with where you get your current insurance (work?). When I was last eligible for COBRA I had 90 days from the last day I had regular insurance to pay for it. So I just marked the end day on my calendar and saved the paperwork. If I had some huge medical expense (hospital stay, car wreck, etc) before I had new insurance I would have paid for COBRA, but I didn’t need it so didn’t pay anything. You should check if the 90 day thing is still accurate – don’t just take my word!
      I think the ACA insurance is only good for one state (it was last time I looked).
      I don’t know if you would be penalized for a 2 month gap or not?
      Good luck! Insurance is ridiculously complicated !

      1. Natalie*

        This will be the case no matter who provides the insurance, these time periods are set by the law rather than the insurance company.

        60 days from the day your cobra paperwork is mailed to enroll.

        45 days from enrollment to make your first payment.

        Once you enroll, coverage is retroactive to the date your insurance ended.

    3. KayEss*

      You can actually be exempted from the tax penalty for gaps in coverage that are two full consecutive months or shorter. It just means an extra form when you do your 2018 taxes. Look up the list of exemptions on the Healthcare.gov site and look for “short gap exemption.”

      COBRA is generally hella expensive: it means paying in full the contribution your employer was previously making for your coverage. After your coverage ends, you should get a letter or other information about prices and such for your coverage. I believe you are eligible for COBRA for 60 days after your coverage ends, and if you purchase it at any time during that period it covers you retroactively for that time–so if your coverage ended and a week later you were hit by a bus, you could then buy in to COBRA and all bus-related care would be covered as under your old plan. Do your own research about that though, I’m definitely not an expert. Every time COBRA has been an option offered to me, it has been prohibitively expensive.

    4. WellRed*

      I thought the ACA penalty went away under trump, but maybe it hasn’t taken effect yet.

      1. CAA*

        The penalty goes to $0 for tax year 2019. You still have to fill out the form though.

    5. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      You actually should be fine on tax liability – first, the individual mandate has been repealed (effective this year I think), and I believe that even when it was in effect, the penalty only applied when you had a gap of at least three months. I’d check to be sure, but I think that’s how it works.

      1. No regular name*

        ACA penalty is still in effect for tax years 2018 & 2019. Two month gap without insurance, no penalty.

    6. catsaway*

      As others have said, check with your current place of work. I’m doing something similar this summer so I’m going to ride out COBRA – pay if needed but not before. The way my current benefits manager explained it, as long as it’s within 60 days I can retroactively pay for COBRA. So, if I get hit by a car 30 days after my health insurance ends, I can call and pay for COBRA after I get out of the hospital, as long as it’s within 60 days of my insurance ending. (Also, because I think I see some confusion on this point: COBRA isn’t more expensive because there’s some special insurance rate, it’s more expensive because you’re paying 100% of the premium, instead of whatever percentage you were contributing with your company, usually, paying for some part).
      I believe the no more penalty thing doesn’t take effect until 2019 but anyway there’s no penalty for less than 2 months gap in coverage.

    7. Chaordic One*

      When I was let go from a full-time job in the fall, and in the middle of ongoing treatment, I ran the numbers and did a comparison. I discovered that if I started a new policy under ACA I would have lower premiums, but that I’d have to start paying a new deductible all over again before the coverage would start paying for treatment.

      Under my situation the cost of the ACA policy and deductible was slightly more expensive than paying the large premiums for continuing my old former employer provided insurance under COBRA, because I had already paid that deductible.

      So it was a bit cheaper for me to pay for COBRA coverage than to switch to an ACA policy, at least until January of the next year when the new fiscal year started after which time it was a better deal to go with the ACA policy.

      It all depends.

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Yes, there is a penalty for not having insurance but there are many cases that allow you to be exempt from being charged the penalty fee. The easiest to qualify for is the short gap exemption where you are without coverage for less than 3 consecutive months.

      I believe insurance is for the state you’re living in. Some policies cross state borders, but I suspect most don’t. Most have some level of coverage for visiting places outside the coverage area but perhaps not for living there. And the out of state services would be considered out of network so you’d pay a higher percentage. This could also be true for your COBRA policy unless your employer has employees in both your old state and your new state. Your benefits person or the insurance company can tell you how you’d be covered in the new state. And if you choose an individual plan with a company that offers policies in both states it could be an easy switch from one policy to another.

  51. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Hit me with your best podcast recs!

    I’ve never been into them, but new job is the sort where I can stick on headphones and do my work so I want to check out some. Currently the only ones I listen to are The West Wing Weekly and AAM.

    I’m kind of obsessed with Scientology & cult things and I love reading about serial killers. I’m also a big fan of random knowledge (I am a kickass trivia teammate).

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      You’re in luck. There’s a great podcast about cults called… Cults (by Parcast).

    2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      I don’t know keep if this is your thing at all, but if you like darker stuff, check out Tales. It’s the original fairy tales – not Disneyfied (which I’m also, obviously, a fan of). But it’s really well done. And then at the end they recap it and give a little blurb about what it’s REALLY about.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Oh, that sounds awesome. I am a huge fan of retold/subverted fairy tales.

        Which, if you also are, I highly recommend Jim Hines’ Princess novels.

    3. Lady Jay*

      There was a great podcast (limited run, not ongoing) on Heaven’s Gate last year. It’s called Heaven’s Gate.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Stuff You Should Know for random trivia info! They do episodes on pretty much everything.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        That sounds great!

        I love reading the website All That’s Interesting.

    5. BRR*

      I like New York Times the daily. Serial is a popular serial killer podcast (there’s a lot on serial killers but I don’t know which are better than others). Dear prudence as another advice column. I love out on the lanai which discusses golden girls episodes. Slate did a great limited one on watergate called slow burn.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Oooh I am a huge Golden Girls fan, so I’ll definitely check out that one. And the Watergate one sounds good too.

        I want to try to avoid anything about current politics because it just makes me angry.

    6. Lily Evans*

      My Favorite Murder is super popular, but it’s one of those things people either love or hate with no in between. If you’re into true crime and cults, though, it’s worth giving it a shot.

    7. Fiennes*

      You might like “Criminal” — its subjects are not generally as hard core as serial killers/cults, but it examines how different people get pulled into every kind of criminal activity, whether as perpetrator or victim. Fascinating stuff.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Adding that to the list!

        If you’re interested in that kind of thing, Netflix released a new docuseries about the pizza bomber case (can’t remember what the series is called). But I read the book about that case a few years back (my brother took a class from the author in college) and it’s pretty fascinating.

        1. AlligatorSky*

          Evil Genius! It’s so good. The people involved are creeping me out though, such a sad and scary case.

          2. Detective Amy Santiago*

            I just realized you meant the docuseries. I just started watching it. It is so tragic.

        2. Cruciatus*

          I can’t bring myself to watch this yet. This is my city. I remember it as it was happening and I drive frequently by the spot Brian Wells died. And if I never hear the name Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong again it will be too soon! Though I’m glad to hear it’s good (if that’s not too weird). Sometimes things that are featured from around here are let downs in the end. Was the teacher/author Ed Palattella? He was just where I work a few weeks ago.

          1. Detective Amy Santiago*

            No, it was Jerry Clark. My brother went to Gannon.

            I haven’t watched the Netflix series yet. Just got the email that it was released yesterday. It’s on my list though.

            1. Cruciatus*

              A-ha! I know it well. My sister also went there! I caved and started watching and so far it’s quite interesting. Very weird to know exactly what road they are on and I recognize so many shots in the parking lot of the local Eat ‘n’ Park (which was across the street from where he, er, died). And it has local TV personalities I recognize and of course Jerry Clark.

              1. Detective Amy Santiago*

                I actually ended up watching it all this afternoon. The end was… very interesting.

        3. Ferry Fairy*

          Adding again my rec for FBI retired Case files – one is the pizza bomber case agent! It’s fascinating and each one is a different agent. The most recent one was about the post 911 anthrax investigation. Quality of audio is suboptimal but the content is usually great.

    8. AlligatorSky*

      Omg Scientology! Did you ever see Louis Theroux’s documentary on it?

      Also, are you me in another life? Scientology, serial killers, random knowledge and cults are some of my favourite things. And my name (first) may or may not be in your username.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I have seen *all* the things on Scientology lol. Have you watched Aftermath? Also, tonyortega.org is a wonderful blog.

        LOL maybe you’re my long lost child that I don’t remember giving birth to?

    9. Ferry Fairy*

      There are a ton of true crime ones – I’m sure you will get other people listing those.

      Oh No Ross And Carrie did a great series on Scientology. And Surviving Scientology Radio is interesting if you are *really* interested.

      Another under appreciated one is FBI Retired Case Files (retired agent interviews other retired agents).

      You might also like “you must remember this” and 99% invisible.

      I could give you a zillion! Can’t wait to see what others list!

      2. VIT (Scotland)*

        Seconding Oh No Ross and Carrie. They can be a bit much sometimes and their podcasts run long but specific ones are great – I found their Christian Science one really interesting and often recommend people start with that one.

    10. Knotty Ferret*

      If you’re at the skeptical end, ” Oh no! Ross & Carrie” go try things (haunted house, UFO convention, acupuncture, flat earth convention), and report back. They have a several part series just on joining Scientology.

      I always recommend “Planet Money”. It’s more about how capitalism affects us than about financial planning, though it will probably feed a trivia habit..

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        oh man, a flat earth convention?! that sounds equal parts delightful and terrifying.

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      True Crime Obsessed might be up your alley! It’s got a few episodes on cults and it’s a good mix of crime and humor. I also love Lore, which is mostly historical folklore/strange tales. In the Dark is also really good, kind of like Serial.

    12. Nacho*

      I’ve always been a big fan of the Pacific Northwest stories: Black Tapes, Rabbits, and Tanis. All of them are dark, creepy stories about ancient conspiracies and reality warping gods who may or may not exist. They’re all fiction, but if you’re into cult stuff they might be up your alley.

    14. Yami Bakura*

      If you’re really careful about sound and volume, Last Podcast on the Left is good. It has good multi-episode arcs on Jim Jones, Jeffrey Dahmer, and other dark stuff. And it’ hilarious as all hell. The good stuff starts at about episode 100.

      I mention sound and volume though because their humor gets pretty raunchy, and early in their run, they had an unfortunate habit of making occasional problematic jokes about specific groups of people.

    15. Red*

      You would probably love Last Podcast on the Left. It’s run by a bunch of weirdos and they talk about serial killers and cults.

  52. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    My mom said she didn’t want a Mother’s Day gift this year. And I know she actually meant it. But I had a custom mug made for her – it says “That’s How I Roll” with a library book cart. (She’s the circulation manager at the library in the small town she lives in). So I gave it to her this morning since it’s not Mother’s Day. Loophole!

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      That’s awesome!

      My mom is trying to purge her house of stuff so she doesn’t want random things. I’m getting gift certificates for us to get massages as a Mother’s Day gift.

        1. Former Employee*

          That mug is cute, clever and practical and, I assume, not very expensive, either. As someone who is difficult to buy for, I applaud your creativity.

          No one buys me gifts any more because I’ve made it clear that it just doesn’t work for me. My elderly parent gives me a check for my birthday and my SO knows that I’m happy with cards for any occasion. It truly is the thought that counts.

    2. hermit crab*

      What a great mug! I want one, and I’m not even a librarian. :)

      I usually send flowers to my mom from a florist in her town for Mothers Day and her birthday. She loves plants but kills anything that isn’t cyclamen – so cut flowers it is! This year, my parents are going out of town for a week starting Monday, so I think I will have the flowers timed to arrive when she gets back instead.

  53. nep*

    Also related to health insurance.
    I hate that I’ve had to turn to our state’s expanded Medicaid, even if temporarily. (Working on making sure it’s very short-term.) But I’m grateful it’s there; it has allowed me to address some much-needed dental work. Not covering all that I need done, but some of it–and it’s just good to get back in to a dentist as it had been about a year.
    The state legislature is moving on a bill that would require people on Medicaid to be working 29 hours per week.
    I get the thinking behind such legislation. But one of the things that would absolutely thrill me most about working at least 29 hours/week would be…paying for my own health insurance. Hmmmm.

    1. Former Employee*

      As someone who has had bad teeth all of my life (a number of baby teeth had silver centers when they fell out), I applaud you for taking care of your dental needs. Considering the potential for something more serious to occur if needed dental work isn’t done on a timely basis, you really are doing everyone a favor.

      As far as your state legislature goes, they seem to be acting in a penny wise/pound foolish manner. People who are unwell cannot work 29 hours a week – they may not be able to work at all. What would make more sense would be for them to institute a system to track people on Medicaid and make sure that once they are well enough to work, that they are doing so, in the same way that someone who already has a job is only allowed back to work after a major illness or surgery with a doctor’s note.

      1. nep*

        Well I’ve got only some of my teeth left; I need partial dentures and when I’m making enough money I’ll get them. Of course the longer I wait the worse for the rest of my mouth/face, but I don’t have a choice but to wait. For now, keeping up on cleanings and getting decay out of my mouth (toxic, smelly, and downright dangerous) is a huge relief. (I had decay under a pretty old crown.)
        Good point re the legislation. I’ve been following stories about that bill and all I can think is: I’ll be so happy to be working at least that many hours so I can get *off* of Medicaid.

    2. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      You absolutely deserve to take advantage of expanded Medicaid. I used it when I was in graduate school, otherwise I’d be bankrupt from healthcare costs.

      Do not feel bad or guilty!!

  54. I Love Thrawn*

    One of my guilty pleasures – I love reading about the crazy stuff that can go wrong with real estate. From all sides – buyers, sellers, agents, DIY/handyman/contractor work. There is NO lack of opportunity for bad behavior and insanity on all sides. The best stories are the ones where no one was actually harmed in any way, including financially, but I’ve read a lot of these stories over the years.

    This one is a new one from this week, and it’s funny – a FSBO was insistent that he would NOT deal with “Asians”. Didn’t like them, thought they were crooks, etc. It was even in his advertising and signs. A reporter went to ask him, what the fluff, dude? And discovered that the owner didn’t mean Asians at all – he meant AGENTS!

    Also read this week, from 2017: A house was being sold on Zillow, with instructions that the tenant upstairs and his apt could not be bothered, or the space shown, under any circumstances. There was a lease, no rent required, no deposit, deal with it. The Internet blew up with the creepiness of it all ( I read that it was the most viewed listing of the year), but eventually it was discovered that the tenant was a friend of the owner, had lived there for years as a kindness, and had absolutely no idea that he was being talked about like this. Just a normal guy.

    I guess it’s fascinating because there is probably no better front row seat to the variety of the human nature’s ability to go seriously off the rails.

    1. Case of the Mondays*

      Years ago I saw a real estate listing for a house with a barn, that was going to come with 2 feral barn cats. They were moving somewhere without a barn, the cats had adopted the barn on their own, and the prior owners had fed them, kept a warm house in the barn for them and trapped them for occasional vet care. The sale of the house included a discount for the expected cost of cat food/vet care and a contract to take care of the barn cats.

      1. I Love Thrawn*

        All over! I Google stuff like “real estate nightmare”. I found a lot on The Lighter Side of Real Estate, too.

  55. Gala Apple*

    Honda Fit- how’s it been for you/feedback?

    I’m actually considering buying a new-new car, as opposed to a new-used car! I love the Fit for the style, gas mileage, and just general awesomeness. I was considering the 2013 or 2015, leaning towards the 15 since gas mileage is better. However the 15s I’m seeing are priced at around $14-$16k, whereas a new 18, which was a new generation with better gas mileage, is between $17-$18k. So I’m actually considering getting one— hoping the prices will go down as the 19s are coming on the market. I would need a car loan of around $10k, but this seems reasonable to me. Would love thoughts!

    1. KayEss*

      I have an ’09 Fit that I bought used a few years ago. A nice little car, no serious troubles with it so far besides the airbag recall.

      Only thing I dislike is that it does not do great in snow, being fairly small and light and only having front wheel drive. I’ve only gotten stuck one time in some truly heinous freezing-slush-falling-from-the-sky weather, but I keep a snow shovel in the back for the entire winter because I’m paranoid.

    2. I Love Thrawn*

      I have an 08 Fit that I love!! Fun to drive, fits just about anything in it. I tested newer models but they aren’t nearly as much fun to drive, plus the braking was so stiff.

      1. hermit crab*

        My parents have a Fit from around then, maybe ’06? I have loved it ever since they bought it and it came with a little brochure showing how you could fit so many things inside, including an alpaca (!). I’m about 5’2″ and it feels perfect for me. Sadly, my 6’4″ husband is like the only thing that does not fit in a Fit so we have a full-size sedan instead – but we ever need a second car, I’m getting myself one.

    3. Emily*

      I like mine! The gas mileage is good and parking is a breeze (I can fit anywhere!). I’m a small person (5’2”) so it feels like a good size car for me, but I knew someone who was very large (both very tall and fairly heavy) who drove one. Plus, despite being little, it can fit a surprising amount of stuff in the back when you put the seats down. (Just yesterday, I purchased 5 wooden dining chairs and got them back to my apartment in one trip.)

      Biggest downsides: Mine is a little noisier than I’d like (which I’m mostly used to, but I notice the difference after being in my boyfriend’s larger, quieter, smoother car). It’s not very powerful (when my boyfriend’s family came to visit and they filled it with themselves + luggage, I noticed it working a little harder than normal to accelerate). A couple of times, the lock on the driver’s side door has needed cleaning or replacement (not sure if that’s a universal problem or just my car) because my key was having trouble going in or turning all the way.

      Someone else mentioned snow. It’s not great in snow, but I live in a snowy area and am usually okay as long as I change over to winter tires during the snowy months.

    4. Alston*

      I adore it. Bought a used fit this spring and it is great. It is manuverable, fast, and great mileage. They drive really pleasantly too.

    5. Earthwalker*

      2009 Fit with 178,000 miles on it (long commute). It still gets 44+ MPG summer, 39 winter. So far all it’s needed besides brakes and tires is one tire inflation sensor. It’s surprisingly large inside compared to its peers and fits back seat passengers reasonably well for a small car. It’s not tall like a big pickup but it puts the driver a lot higher off the ground and above the blowing snow than the old Civic did. It handles well in snow for a vehicle with car-sized clearance. In spite of the miles, my mechanic (who gives it occasional safety checks) says it will last me forever. It cost a lot less than a Prius and the mileage is nearly as good. I’m very pleased with it.

    6. rubyrose*

      I had a Fit for 4 years. Loved it! Parking was a breeze, gas mileage great. It was better in snow and ice that I thought it would be.

    7. Robin Sparkles*

      I have a 2013 Fit – we actually had it as a family care (two kids) for nearly a year until we bought the CRV. We still have the Fit and I love it. It’s small and perfect for around the town and for a tiny car it fits a lot. The biggest drawback for why we had to get a second bigger car is size for traveling out of town. It can be done but it’s tight when you have car seats. If it is just you then absolutely worth it to get. It’s such a great fuel-efficient car. As for snow – I have winter tires and the car does fine -yes a heavier car will do better but if you drive slow it has actually been an excellent car in northeast snow storms. It’s also a budget car that truly doesn’t look or feel budget when driving.

    8. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I lease a 2016 Honda Fit. It was heavily reduced because it was the last one, and the lot was stocked with 2017’s. I got everything I wanted, so it worked out well for me.

      I LOVE my Fit. You literally can fit almost anything in there. I’ve moved with it, and it made life so much easier. It’s a bit higher than a car, so it’s easier to get things in and out of. My boyfriend is a…fluffier gentleman, and over 6Ft. He can drive it pretty okay, and sits in it comfortably. I don’t think it would work on a road trip for him.

      Love it though. It’s a great little car.

    9. Fish girl*

      Another Fit lover here! I have a 2010 Fit Sport with 110,000 miles on it and haven’t had a single problem with it! Seriously, the only thing I’ve needed fixed so far are a) the recalled airbag b) new tail and head lights when they’ve burned out c) new tires. Aka just general maintenance. I love driving it (and I hate driving in general), love the variety of colors, love the ability to fold seats down in different configurations to haul stuff.

      The only thing I’ve found that I dislike about the Fit is that the tires are smaller than normal, so I usually have to get them special ordered, which is more expensive and takes longer. My current (Honda specific) mechanic shop keeps them in stock, but you can’t expect a Costco, Walmart, or other random tire place to already have them around. So that’s annoying.

      Overall, whenever my current Fit dies (hopefully, many more years in the future!), I’ll probably get a Fit again.

  56. nep*

    Tooth extraction experiences.
    I had a back lower molar extracted on Tuesday. Healing SLOWLY but surely.
    How long did you have pain and/or swelling?

    1. periwinkle*

      I had all four wisdom teeth plus another back molar extracted. The broken wisdom tooth was done on its own, followed by 2 a month later and then the other 2 a month after that – all done with local anesthesia. My oral surgeon was excellent and I’m a fast healer in general, so recovery was rapid and I was feeling normal and eating comfortably within 24 hours. The Vicoprofen certainly helped, and I did use an ice pack for a short time to help with the initial swelling.

    2. Lcsa99*

      When I has my upper wisdom teeth out they healed pretty quickly. Think most of the pain was gone the next day, the swelling a few days. When I had just one lower wisdom tooth out it was hurting and painful until I had the stitches out

      1. nep*

        I’ve read and heard that lower teeth back there are more delicate and complicated (and potentially problematic) because of some nerves in that area.
        For the upper wisdom teeth–wow, most of the pain was gone the next day? That’s amazing.
        Thanks for the feedback.

    3. Red Reader*

      I had no more pain like, the next morning. But it had been in bad enough shape before the extraction that it was one of those, I didn’t realize I’d been in constant low-level pain until it was gone, and once the tooth was gone, whatever residual pain I still had from the extraction was less than before so I didn’t notice it anymore.

      1. nep*

        I see. Mine wasn’t hurting at all so all the pain I’m currently dealing with is just the trauma done to that area during the extraction.

    4. Nacho*

      Might not be the same, but when my Wisdom teach came out, it was a couple of days on heavy duty pain killers followed by ~2 weeks of no hard foods.

    5. BeeJiddy*

      I had a back top molar removed a couple of weeks ago. According to my dentist, it was a difficult extraction (and it felt difficult, physically and emotionally). The resulting inflammation and bruising from the pressure he had to exert on my mouth left me feeling really blah.

      I was on some form of painkiller for about 7 days. I got a prescription for some pretty strong codeine and took it alongside ibuprofen. I try really hard not to overdo it with painkillers and will put up with mild pain but I found I truly needed them to function normally. It took about 4 days for me to feel comfortable brushing near the area and I’m only just starting to eat normally on that side of my mouth. I would consider myself fairly average in terms of healing time and pain tolerance. I’ve had two wisdom teeth removed and in contrast, it was a very quick and easy procedure that I recovered from in a few days.

  57. Sloane*

    I will be moving into a smaller place and have come to realize that I can not continue collecting books at my current rate. I’ve been reluctant to switch to ebooks, but the move is going to make it a necessity. Any recommendations on what app to use? I think I’ll be using my android tablet for reading and phone for listening to ebooks as I’ll now have a walking commute.

    Any ideas or suggestions about how to make the switch are most appreciated.

    1. Temperance*

      Does your local library have Overdrive? I really enjoy it, and it provides both ebooks and audiobooks. I really like my Kindle Fire, but I think Amazon also has a Kindle app for reading.

      It was an adjustment for me at first, but I honestly read so much more now that I only have to carry one item around.

      1. Middle Name Jane*

        Yes!! My library has Overdrive, and I love it. I can’t concentrate trying to listen to audiobooks, so I only use Overdrive for e-books. It’s great.

        I read both paper and e-books. I never thought I would try an e-book, but Overdrive made it so easy. My nearest library isn’t all that convenient to get into and out of (traffic), so the idea of downloading a book directly on my tablet was appealing. I haven’t had time to read much lately, but when I was doing a lot of reading I’d check the availability in Overdrive as well as the paper version and if I could get the Overdrive version faster I went with that. I love the portability. It’s really handy for traveling.

        1. Temperance*

          That’s exactly what made it so attractive to me! I read so much and so fast that it was becoming a pain to get to the library. I’m now totally obsessed.

      2. BunnyWatsonToo*

        Some libraries have Cloud Library instead of or in addition to Overdrive.

        1. Temperance*

          Are those just religious books? I just checked out their website, and it’s really Jesus-y.

    2. KAZ2Y5*

      In the USA there are two main retail options – Amazon and Kobo (B&N is rapidly going downhill – I wouldn’t worry about them). They both have a free app you can download and both places should have free books that you can download to try them out. For audio books Audible is the most well known retailer. They are owned by Amazon so it is really convenient to use both of them together. There are some other eretailers who sell audio books – Kobo jsut started to sell them, and there are a few smaller ones that I can’t think of right now.

      For really cheap, also check out your local library. Depending on the library they use 2-3 different apps for the ebooks/audio books you can check out from them. Overdrive is the one I am familiar with.

      I will say that once I started with ebooks I have never gone back to paper books (well, except for reference or cookbooks). It is so nice to have 3 or 4 or 100 books in your purse :-) and you can adjust the font/size to your own preference.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I use the Amazon Kindle app on my phone. I have it on my Kindle Fire and my desktop PC, too, and they all sync so I can read the same book on any device. I also borrow a lot of books from the library using Overdrive. Also, if you don’t mind paying for it, Amazon has Kindle Unlimited. It’s $10.00 a month and you can read unlimited books through the Kindle app. The only thing I don’t like is that most of the authors I read aren’t available, but I do find some good stuff. I use it mostly when I’m waiting on a book from the library, or I want a new author to try.

      I had no problem switching from paper books to an app. I quickly and fully embraced it, and I prefer it, actually. Mainly because I like to read in bed, and since my husband goes to bed earlier, I can read in the dark without bothering him.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I use the Kindle app on my tablet or on my laptop. It’s really nice being able to carry multiple reading options everywhere you go. There are also plenty of free/cheap ebooks (of varying quality, obvs).

    5. Lady Jay*

      I’ve experimented with ebooks and don’t really care for them. I find myself skimming, not reading. I assume you’ve tried this, but often your local library will order books for you – I’ve put in a request that my library purchase the book, they do so (usually in 6-8 weeks), and then I get first dibs on reading it. I like that I get to read the books I choose, without spending the time or space to actually purchase the books myself.

    6. CurrentlyLooking*

      Overdrive is great,they also have a new app called Libby.

      Unlike Kindle and other e-readers, the books are all free. You connect to your local library and can checkout several (at my library it is 50) at a time. You need a library card at a library that supports overdrive.

      I do almost all of my reading this way – using my iPad mini

    7. Elizabeth West*

      If you’re into classics, check out Project Gutenberg. They have free ebooks you can download in various formats and a lot of them are in PDF, which works on almost every platform.

    8. cleo*

      I love my ebooks!

      There are a lot of reading apps for phones and tablets. As KAZ2Y5 says, the two main retailers are Amazon (Kindle) and Kobo. Kindle ebooks are in the mobi format which is a proprietary format – they can only be read on a Kindle or Kindle app. Kobo sells ePub format books which you can read on the Kobo app or on many other apps. It’s easier to backup ePub files. You can also buy ebooks from Google Play, smashwords, or iBooks.

      If you have Amazon Prime, you can borrow one book per month on a kindle or kindle app. And you can also borrow books from your public library – mine has both Overdrive and Hoopla (which I love).

      My library has Overdrive and Hoopla.

  58. PX*

    Recipes using couscous please! I love couscous but feel like I always make more or less the same kind of salad with it (cucumber, tomato, maybe olives) and thats it. There are a few middle eastern places where they seem to do amazing things with it, but I am unable to replicate them at home. Trying to be better about not buying lunch at work so keen to come up with some good staples I can turn to.

    Alternatively, good/interesting/unusual salad dressings are always welcome.

    1. ThatGirl*

      It’s great as a rice alternative with chicken or other meats.

      It also takes a variety of seasoning well, maybe try Mediterranean or Mexican or Asian?

    2. Thlayli*

      I just use it as a carb – anywhere you would have potato, pasta or rice you can have couscous. It is a bit bland when with eg lamb chops though! You can also mix in frozen veg with it about 5-7 mins before it’s done cooking and/or boil it with a stock cube of any flavour in the water.

    3. Deschain*

      I like to add soy sauce, sriracha, and roasted peanuts. Then top it with a soft-boiled egg and another drizzle of sriracha. My go-to lunch almost every day since I work from home. (Using golden couscous.)

    4. TheLiz*

      Put it in a bowl and add 1/2 tsp soup mix and boiling water, then leave for three minutes and voila! Instant flavored couscous, good for any recipe. I quite like adding that to scrambled egg, but that’s not really viable as an office lunch. I also sometimes eat it with veg and sunflower seeds as a semi-balanced meal that requires minimal “cooking”.

  59. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Here goes! By this time, you should know the deal. Runners, how’s your training going? Any races coming up?

    And an additional question this week: what crazy things have you had to deal with at races? When I ran my marathon a couple of weeks ago, I was on mile 20 or 21 on the boardwalk, by a beach shop. The owners of the shop were moving merchandise around.

    I saw a rack of ponchos slowly roll out the door…onto the boardwalk and right in front of me. I think it missed me by about five feet, and crashed into the railing. So yeah, it wasn’t like the kid who got knocked out by a deer a couple of years back, but it was close.

    1. Red*

      I cannot believe it, I’m not done with couch to 5k yet but I did a 5k with my friend yesterday anyway and I RAN MOST OF IT. I’m so proud. I know it’s not a marathon or anything but it’s a really good start :) That, and I signed up for a 10k in July so wish me luck there lol

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I remember you mentioning that! Congratulations on doing your first 5k, and a little ahead of when you were expecting to! (And don’t say, “I know it’s not a marathon” – you put in a lot of work to start from scratch to get to where you’re at. The one thing I’ve learned about marathon training is that it’s at least 90% just spending the time.)

        Good luck with the 10k in July as well. You’re a bit braver than me (if you live in a place that gets hot in July).

        1. Red*

          I… live in Buffalo. It just gets humid and mildly warm lol. I’ll be a sweaty disaster anyhow but I’d be shocked if it got any hotter than low 80s in the afternoon, and this thing’s in the morning :) Thanks for all of your encouragement!! :) I can’t wait to post here saying I did the 10k, because it’ll somehow happen. In the hottest part of the year. Oh lord, what have I done…

          1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            Eh, you should be fine then – IF the weather cooperates. The other good thing is that it’s July so you’ll be more used to any heat by then (from what I’ve heard, spring is actually worse for any heat sickness issues during races since people aren’t acclimated to warmer temperatures).

            Even so, you’ll be fine, even if it ends up being really hot! Just be smart and aim to finish in that case.

            1. Red*

              That’s exactly my goal – just finish the darn thing :) If it’s way too hot and I end up walking some, that’s just how it is. If I run at a snail’s pace, whatever. No matter what, it will be a personal record simply because I’ve not done anything like that before!

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’m in a break from training for anything… my next race isn’t until October 20th. I debated signing up for one of two races next weekend – a 10K on Governors Island or a 15K in Port Jefferson, NY – but ultimately decided against them both (the 10K is just too inconvenient to be worth it, and while 15K is my absolute favorite distance and it’s almost impossible to find one anywhere, I don’t think I’m up for the schlep to Port Jefferson at 6 am on a Sunday, and it’s a bit pricey).

      On the flip side, I’m officially registered for the Philadelphia full marathon in November! So there will be LOTS of training coming up, starting in a couple of months. (Pray for an unusually cool August and September!)

      As far as weird things happening at races? Just as I was about to cross the start line at my first marathon, I tripped over someone’s discarded sweatshirt and went flying. What a way to start the biggest race of my life! I was terrified to even look at my leg for the first 13 miles of the race, and ran in fear that a race marshal would see my cut-open leg and pull me off the course. It was nothing of the sort — just a run of the mill bruise. I was so relieved. I almost got hit by the Hudson Bergen Light Rail when I ran the Newport Half one year — they stop the light rail so runners can pass, but only for brief periods! There have been a couple of races where cars have tried to back out of their driveways onto the course; that’s always fun. And I think I know the store you’re referring to at mile 20 of the NJ Marathon – it’s the Jones Treasure Grove. That place is a dump.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Some more weird things I thought of:

        Something odd always seems to happen in the Newport (NJ) Half, the same race where I was almost hit by the light rail. One year they had different color/flavor Gatorade at every water stop, and I swear one of the stops had blueberry Gatorade. It was so strange to be expecting lemon-lime (as at every other race) and end up with blueberry! Another year, one of the cops along the course was SMOKING A CIGAR and we all had to run through a cloud of cigar smoke. And at the NYC Marathon one year, one of the volunteers smiled widely as she handed me… a totally empty, bone-dry cup of water… at mile 18. Not a good omen for me.

      2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Damn – I think I’ve just been lucky with my races! I think the worst incident I’ve ever personally had was at the Ridgewood 10k a couple of years back. I got caught up with someone, THEY fell, and I felt really terrible about it. Other than that…my best friend ran my first 5k (Lager) with me. Sort of – I finished around 21 minutes, he finished around 32. He was hoping to run under 30. Apparently, he literally punched the clock when he finished. (He has…some anger issues.)

        (Also at that year’s Lager, my other friend LOST HER CAR. She eventually found it.)

        Other than that: 1) thanks for reminding me that Newport passes over the HBLR (twice, I think) – I just assumed that they stopped it because they stop the HBLR for everything on the weekends, and 2) to be fair, most boardwalk stores are kind of dumpy in my experience.

        More importantly, good luck on your training – and it’s always good to take a break. Either of those races sound like…a lot to do, just in terms of getting out there. I totally agree 15k’s a pretty unusual distance – I think the only one I’ve heard of before you mentioned Port Jefferson is Clinton Farms (I think I’m getting the name right), which was a couple of weeks ago.

        (Also if you can’t tell: I’ve been vague about it, but yeah, I’m from North Jersey.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I lost my car once after a race! Was certain it was stolen and was just about to panic before finding it on a completely different block than I thought I parked it on. Oops! I also got totally lost trying to find my car after a half marathon once… in Trenton, NJ, which wasn’t fun. So I feel your friend’s pain!

          The Newport Half is actually one of my favorite races. Such a beautiful course. The only reason I stopped doing it is that it’s in mid-September and I’ve had horrible luck with extremely muggy weather on race day. The race date keeps creeping earlier in September and I’m not much for summer races…sigh.

          1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            I think the saving grace was that we were in Glen Ridge! I think that it would have been a lot worse if we were in a city.

            On Newport: I never really thought about it – but you’re right, a lot of the course is really nice! (I’m in downtown Jersey City a lot, so I do kind of take the end for granted. And the last half mile into Newport needs to be paved over again. Badly.) But…yeah, the timing is not great. I’m still considering doing it again this year because I want to have a better race on it this year (last year I basically had EVERYTHING go wrong and didn’t properly prepare), but I’ve got a tight schedule with planned races! (There’s another local half I’m thinking of doing the week before instead, and I’m pretty sure I’m doing the Bronx 10 Miler at the end of September.)

            It also seems like the Newport races have…some organization issues that I wouldn’t expect with larger races. There was an actual step off the curb onto the street in the 10k near the end – part of it is because there’s been a lot of construction on the Walkway in that area, but it just seems like that’s a little bit dangerous to me. To be fair, my friends that ran it didn’t say anything about it.

    3. CatCat*

      I have two more weeks of 5k training to go and my race is coming up in 3 weeks.

      I’ve been thinking about what I should do next: train for a 10k, or try to improve 5k speed.

      1. Red*

        You can do what I did and decide at mile marker 3 of the 5k what you’d like to do next lol, I went for the 10k sign-up but you do you.

      2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        First of all – good luck!

        Really see how you feel after the race. Personally speaking, my approach is often to do new things first because I like doing new things and I’m still a bit of a newbie. But you also run different distances differently, so it might be easier to stick to what you know and improve on it. (And personally speaking, I have a habit of chasing goal times! I’m still trying to talk myself out of trying to go for another half marathon PR next week…after running a full marathon three weeks before and a huge half PR a couple of months ago.)

        There’s no right answer, really.

  60. Weekend Name*

    And so the story of ending a toxic friendship is done.

    If you’re interested in what happened, I posted about it previously:

    https://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/weekend-free-for-all-april-14-15-2018.html#comment-1946446

    https://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/weekend-free-for-all-april-28-29-2018.html#comment-1966889

    https://www.askamanager.org/2018/05/weekend-free-for-all-may-5-6-2018.html#comment-1974642

    What finally happened is that I mailed the letter last weekend. I had previously blocked my friend from my phone, but I didn’t think about e-mail until it was too late. My friend and I hadn’t e-mailed each other in years, so e-mail was off my radar with her. By the time I thought to block her, I logged into my account and there was a vitriolic e-mail from her sent at 3 a.m. I had made a point to keep my letter to her short and as civil as possible (I had a couple of people read it to check the tone before I sent it). This e-mail from my (ex) friend was designed to be hurtful. It was full of rage and was just awful. I know I should have just deleted it without opening it, but I couldn’t help it. It would have driven me crazy to have done that. Needless to say, I won’t respond to it. I don’t think she’ll try to e-mail me again, but I did go ahead and block her. I printed the e-mail and will take it to my next therapy appointment. I want to get her take on it. And then I’ll delete it. Right now it’s hidden in a sub-folder I rarely use.

    Thank you to those who offered support over the last few weeks. I know I did the right thing, and I tried to do it in a mature, civil manner. I’m trying to keep in mind that the language and tone of my (ex) friend’s e-mail is coming from her Borderline Personality Disorder and that her illness causes mood swings and lashing out. The important thing is that this is over and I won’t have to deal with her erratic behavior anymore.

    1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      First of all – congratulations. You did a really brave thing, and a really good thing for yourself…and hopefully for Melissa. As someone said in your first post, she didn’t have a friend in you, she had a punching bag.

      I just looked over your updates, and:

      1) You did what you had to do, literally pretend she doesn’t exist now. If she tries to insult you in public on social media, that’s her problem.

      2) Don’t beat yourself up for looking at that e-mail. I think most people would have wanted to, and it’s not like you FAILED YOURSELF. Yeah, you knew it was going to be unhinged (and…you were right), but that’s not because you did anything wrong. That’s because…

      3) Honestly…you probably nailed it when you said that it was (at least partially) her illness talking. I think that BPD is (in really short summary) when you have problems regulating your emotions – so something that makes you happy makes you SUPER happy, and something that makes you upset makes you SUPER upset.

      4) She’s allowed to be mad that you’re not her punching bag friend anymore. But a lot of that is because of stuff she did, in abusing you to the point where you finally left (and you gave her a LOT of slack). Again, that’s not your problem anymore, and honestly it never really was your problem.

      5) You handled this…very graciously, and that’s really impressive. You found a way to do it that would protect yourself (honestly, if you did it in person or even through a more open medium like phone or text it would have been unsafe for you), and it sounds like you were clear and direct. You sought out help when you thought you needed it. Honestly, there’s not much more you could have done, if anything.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      When you look at that email, you can say, “This proves that I was right.”

      I am sorry for your lost friendship and I am also sorry that your former friend is so lost.

      1. Weekend Name*

        Thank you. I have compared what I sent her vs. what she sent back in reply, and I know I can hold my head up high because I didn’t get mean in my letter and her reply was hateful.

        I wrote at the end that I wanted only the best for her family, and I mean it. Her husband is a very nice man, and I hope their son (elementary school aged) grows up to be happy and healthy. I don’t have any ill will towards her. I just stepped back and removed myself from the situation because it was damaging me. I tried to convey that in my letter, and I hope one day she’ll come to understand that. I know she’s in therapy. I’d like to think her therapist will help her understand why I did this and that I wasn’t trying to be a monster. But I also know from my research that Borderline Personality Disorder is particularly difficult to treat. In any event, I couldn’t let her illness continue to hurt me.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You’ve landed in the best place possible for this one. These are tough things in life, I know from my own stuff here. Yep, hold your head up high and keep going forward.

  61. Saradactyl*

    Does anyone have any experience with young cats who are particularly fussy and anxious mellowing out with age and environment? Long incoming cat rant ahead:

    I have two cats that I got from the same litter, a boy and a girl, and they’re 13 months old. I love them so much, but recently they’ve been worrying me immensely.

    About a month ago I started noticing the boy cat over-grooming and licking hair out in bald patches. The vet wanted to address both potential environmental and food allergies, so boy was on some medications and I was encouraged to switch their food to a limited-ingredient formula. Switching their food was a total nightmare because of how particular they were, but finally I found one they seemed to really like and now boy seems to be making progress. The vet assured me the hair would be slow growing back, but it does look like it is. He is still grooming a little too much, but he seems to be trending towards better.

    However, now my girl cat is sick and neither of them are eating their food!? I’m almost at my wit’s end. I noticed some weird litter box behaviors early this week and dropped her off at the vet. He thinks she has something called FIC, which is a catchall diagnosis for when cats display some symptoms of urinary disease but don’t have infections or blockages. He told me it was a lot of times stress-based but assured me that cats can get stressed over a lot of things and it might not be anything I had done.

    I’ve tried to be a stickler this week for routine, playtime, and keeping the litter box clean per instructions of helping ease symptoms. Girl seemed to be doing better but then they both stopped eating as much of their food. Then girl started throwing up and having weird litter box trips again (smelled bad, looked funny, etc) and I emailed their vet last night in a half panic – haven’t heard back. This morning after throwing up again I gave her a tiny plate of the food I had them on before I switched it a month ago and she gobbled it up. I’m now guessing she got an upset stomach and threw up because she was so hungry from turning her nose up at the other food.

    I have no idea what to do with them! I can’t keep buying and switching food for them every two months but they also have to eat something. My only hunch is that living in my current apartment is somewhat stressful for them. I’m in a small studio with a lot of neighbors in the complex. There’s a lot of comings and goings, dogs barking, construction noises in the neighborhood, and I have downstairs neighbors who seem kind of like a rough crowd and do stuff like break out their windows. I’m not going to renew my lease and my goal and hope is to move into a 1b/1b instead of a studio in August when my lease is up. I’m really hoping that helps them feel like they have more space and is more private, but until then I guess I just have fussy anxious cats? Has anyone ever dealt with this?

    1. Turtlewings*

      I wish I had advice to offer but I can at least say this: My family used to have two cats, former ferals, who were extremely anxious and shy and neurotic. They both mellowed a LOT with age. By the time they passed away (as elderly cats) the less-crazy one was mostly normal, and even the super-duper-crazy one was actually letting us pet her sometimes (yes, she was that bad). Age, and perhaps more importantly years of consistent care and safety, can have a big effect.

    2. EN*

      Oh that’s tough. Could you try Feliway plugins or sprays? Our vet uses the spray for cats that get anxious during visits, and we tried the plugins for awhile when we first introduced a dog into our two cat home. I can’t say it did much for our super territorial cat when he was in the house all day. He’s now happy to be an outdoor cat and much more relaxed. Obviously, that’s not a viable solution for all cats, though. Had we wanted to keep him inside, our vet recommended kitty Prozac as a next step. It comes in a cream you can rub on their ears.

      1. Saradactyl*

        The spray hasn’t seemed to do much for them but I’m definitely considering the plug-in.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Turn a radio on for them? Play some classical music. This may tend to drown out the noise in your building or they may chose to focus on the radio and ignore the background noise.
      I had a dog who was upset by storms, but if I put the radio on he calmed right down. He chose to ignore the background noise.

    4. Horrified*

      check out the forums on thecatsite.com (not affiliated). Usually quite helpful and supportive for all things cat!
      (and yes, a noisy environment can cause stress/anxiety)

  62. Free Meerkats*

    As I mentioned in yesterday’s open thread, I’m headed to Providence, RI Monday. Arrive Monday evening, leave Friday early afternoon. Days are full, evenings are mine. Any suggestions?

    1. Lore*

      Pizza Pie-r on Wickenden Street has what remains, 20 years after I last lived in Rhode Island, my favorite pizza in the world. There’s also some good bars and coffee shops on that stretch. Downtown has come a long way of late—lots of good food. AS 220 is an art space that usually has something cool on.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I would wander around the area between RISD and Brown – lots of artsy shops/galleries, bookstores and the like. RISD Works (the shop) and the RISD museum are usually worth a visit too. I believe the MFA candidates show their thesis work somewhere particular, although I am not 100% sure where that is, although I imagine there will be posters around town.

    3. Case of the Mondays*

      If you enjoy shopping, the Providence Place mall is giant. I think it is three stories.

  63. AlligatorSky*

    Big big thank you to everyone who replied to my comment last week about podcasts. Thanks to all the suggestions, I’ve gone from having 5 podcasts in my app to over 200. Thank you everyone!

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I just found that thread and went through it looking for recs!

      Now I have a follow up question. What’s the best way to organize your podcasts? I would prefer something web based because I can listen on my work computer.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        That thread is amazing. I spent a couple of hours today going through it again for suggestions I missed and adding them to my list. On my iPhone and my iPad, I use Pocketcasts. They also have a web browser that you can use to listen to said podcasts, but it does cost $9 (just once, no monthly payments). Still, I get that paying to listen to them can be frustrating! If you want a free way, try Podbay: http://podbay.fm/ – I often listen to podcasts on my Mac, and this is one of the sites I use!

        1. Ferry Fairy*

          I found out about that thread today! I’m so excited to find some new ones!

          I use Overcast on iPhone.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I love Overcast. I still have it on my iPhone. The only thing I find annoying about is that you can’t seem to download multiple podcast episodes at once, only one at a time. I still use the app cause things like removing silent moments is VERY handy. I use Pocketcasts when I’m downloading multiple episodes.

  64. matcha123*

    Lately I’ve been wondering if I missed out greatly by not having a large family or having a burning desire to marry and reproduce. I’ve seen how friends’ families have been around to help, and while I know not every family is like that, it does make me wonder.
    I also recently had two friends stop talking to me or become distant, I guess because I don’t share their same burning desire to marry and have kids. They both seem to have large families and don’t seem to have grown up with any discomforts. I see my friends as my family, but if my friends think making babies and having a spouse is the formation of a real family, I wonder where that leaves me.

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s okay for people to have different ideas of what constitutes a family, and different ideas as to what beliefs it’s important to share in a friendship. People who are really focused on raising kids would probably drift from you once they had the kids anyway.

      But they’re not the only people in the world; those of us without kids have friends too :-). So it leaves you with people who have different or broader focuses; that may in the short term means updating your friend circle, but that tends to happen at various points of life anyway.

      1. matcha123*

        I agree that different ideas are fine/good. I have a pretty good relationship with other friends who have had kids. I play with their kids, and we still talk about stuff…kid stuff and other stuff, too.

        I don’t know. Maybe those friends are feeling the same things I feel, but in the opposite direction. They are disappointed that I don’t share their enthusiasm, especially when our other interests and philosophies tend to match up. And I am disappointed in them for drinking the lifescript Kool-Aid…
        The difference between these two and the others with kids are that these two are still single and have been trying to get married for a long time. One is maybe close, the other is definitely not.

    2. Lissa*

      I get ya. I have a partner but neither of us want kids, and neither of us are close to our bio families. During my 20s I feel like there was a lot of awesome friendship closeness and it did feel like friends=family for a lot of us, or at least there wasn’t the automatic assumption that bio family/nuclear family is always going to win out over “just” friends. But, as we’ve gotten older, some of that has fallen away, and it does make me sad/worried as people get older, pair off, and start having kids. I really do miss the awesome closeness of friendships in our 20s.

      1. matcha123*

        This. I took, and still take, friends as family Very Seriously. I’m really disappointed in the few friends who seem to take friends as temporary placeholders before getting married.
        I should say, we are all approaching our mid-30s. Those two friends maybe have pressure from their immediate families to get married and have kids, and I kind of resent that they are projecting that pressure on to me, and then getting angry that I’m not having a freakout like they are.

    3. hermit crab*

      This is something I think about a lot. I come from a large, close family – growing up, I lived ten minutes’ walk from my aunt/uncle/cousins, and our family Thanksgivings included both my mom’s sister and her husband and kids and my dad’s brother’s wife’s brother and *his* wife and kids. My parents’ parents all adored having each other as in-laws. Of course, there were a lot of strong personalities and various hardships and people drove each other crazy a lot, but overall it was a really warm and supportive environment.

      My husband and I are in our 30s and are pretty sure we don’t want to have kids. I’m a little sad about it because I feel like won’t be continuing my family’s tradition of awesomeness. On the other hand, though, there are other ways to have a family and other ways to be awesome in relation to other people, so I’m just focused on that. :)

      1. matcha123*

        Your family sounds nice, and the complete opposite of my family of me plus two and the aunt who dropped in to say ‘hi’ every few years. When I was little I pictured maybe making a loving family like that in the future, but I know I have no control over personalities. Without having a large family on my side, I’ve always been afraid that if I did marry and did decide to have kids, that I’d have no out if things went south.

        1. hermit crab*

          Huh, I almost feel the opposite way – with so many people modeling “good family behavior” around me, it would be so, so awful to be the one screwup if I didn’t do things “right”! I guess the lesson is that we should pay more attention to what we want and not what we think that other people want for us, but that is easier said than done.

    4. Temperance*

      Meh, I have a really large family, and it isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I’m one of 4, and my parents have 8 siblings in total. That isn’t counting the 20+ siblings of my grandparents, my cousins, or other extended family.

    5. Thlayli*

      “I see my friends as my family. My friends think making babies and having a spouse is the formation of a real family”.

      Your friends are correct. Family is defined as people you are related to through genes marriage or adoption.

      Friends are not the same thing as family. There are actual dictionary definitions of these words.

      I have absolutely no problem with people choosing not to have kids or get married – each to their own and you do what you want. And you are totally allowed to feel like your friendships are stronger than your familial relationships. But you don’t get to rewrite the dictionary.

      It’s very unlikely your friends stopped being friends with you just because you don’t have kids. Did you say to them that friends are equal to family? you definitely don’t get to claim your feelings for your friends are stronger than their feelings towards their kids.

      1. matcha123*

        The two friends I have in mind are not married and do not have kids. I’ve also always said that due to the small size of my own family, I see and treat my friends as family. So, I haven’t expressed any ideas that are new to them.
        When one said that he wanted a family, I said “Aren’t your parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins your family?” Admittedly, that was nitpicky on my part, but both of these people come from large, loving families that they are not estranged from. I’ve also known both of these people for at least a decade, so, again, it’s not as if I have suddenly started forcing them to change their views to meet mine.

        The friends with kids don’t have any problem with that line. I chat with them, play with their kids (if they live nearby), their kids call me ‘aunty’, etc. Besides, I’m not asking or telling anyone to love me in a certain way.

        1. Thlayli*

          Ok my earlier post came across as unnecessarily angry – sorry about that, I wrote it in a rush.

          It sounds like your friend might have felt like you were dismissing his desire to have a family by saying what you said. It’s a perfectly normal thing for people to have a strong desire to have a family (of the spouse and kids kind). When he expressed that desire and then you responded in a dismissive way, that probably hurt his feelings and annoyed him.

          As a comparison, imagine if a married stay-at-home mother expressed a desire to have a career, and someone replied “arent your husband and kids your career?” Pretty insulting, no?

          1. matcha123*

            He may have been annoyed, but that particular conversation had some baggage going into it. It’s a bit long to get into here, but it seemed like we were on the path to a relationship and then he turned cold and quickly found a partner. Months later I was talking to him about general dating and expressed that I didn’t have a burning desire for marriage and I really didn’t want kids and I wondered how best to bring that up to a potential partner. He said that time was running out and he wanted a family. I was ticked that during the whole conversation, which was to give me advice on dating in that area, he took that as an opportunity to be curt (“Oh, the guy did that? I wouldn’t do that.”) or rude (“Oh, that’s what everyone wants in a relationship.”).

            Having kids has never been a desire of mine, and I was genuinely trying to understand where he was coming from. Both of them just could not believe that I couldn’t understand that feeling and got angry with me for asking them how and why they felt that way. Telling me “everyone” wants a family doesn’t really help me because I don’t feel the same as everyone.

            1. Thlayli*

              If you want advice on when to bring it up with a potential partner I would say early on – by the third date maybe. That way neither of you are wasting each other’s time.

              I dunno what’s going on with your friend- he sounds like a jerk.

              1. matcha123*

                I’ve heard that. He kind of tried to turn a casual dinner into a date without telling me it was a date and that really threw me off. Especially because I thought he knew that I had very limited dating experience. The questions and topics he brought up were things I’d never given much thought to.

      2. matcha123*

        Also, why the intense reply? Do you put your friends into a kind of casuals category where they are just not as important to you? If so, why? Does that mean if a friend with no family close by is in the hospital or needs help you won’t help them because they aren’t family? Does that mean that if a friend is feeling down you will ignore them because they aren’t family?
        I’m truly curious because I really do not understand that line of thinking. If a friend is in need, and I can help, I will help. If a friend wants to hang out or go to a play, and I’m interested, I’ll go. I make time for my friends in the same way I make time to chat with my parent every week. I do that for them and I know they will have my back if I’m in need.

        1. Thlayli*

          I guess we posted at the same time – didn’t mean it to be “intense” just was in a rush writing it and it came across really angry for some reason.

          In answer to your question – I do help out my friends whenever I can, and my friends are closer to me than many members of my extended family (like cousins), but my close family are about a million times more important to me than my friends. I don’t know if I can explain why. It’s so natural to me that a sister, even a sister I’m mad at, is more important than a friend, that I don’t know how to explain it. It’s possibly to do with how I was raised, maybe?

          I don’t see how a friend could be as important to you as a parent, child, or sibling, unless the relative is estranged for some reason like abuse.

          I’m actually really interested now in how you feel – can you explain how and why your friends are as important to you as a parent? The parent raised you, fed and clothed and loved you. They kept you safe and loved and spent many sleepless nights looking after you. How can a friendship possibly compare?

          1. KayEss*

            Well, for starters, I genuinely enjoy spending time with my friends–whereas my mother, despite how much I do truly love her, is kind of a trial and I have to go into every single visit with a careful emotional strategy.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Sometimes our friends take better care of us than our parents ever did.

              Thlayli, it’s an assumption to say one’s parent fed them, clothed them and loved them. Maybe that particular person’s parent did NOT do these things. So yes, in these situations friends are going to be super, super important.

              1. KayEss*

                I mean, in my case, my parents took excellent care of me. Provided everything I needed and then some, and I admire and love them dearly and still spend a lot of time with them. But my closest friends know things about me–the fully realized, adult me–that my parents likely never will. I can talk to them in ways and about things I can’t make my parents understand–and believe me, I’ve tried. That’s incredibly important to me. Maybe it’s a different kind of closeness, but it’s not lesser in any way.

          2. Oxford Coma*

            Sooooo many privileged assumptions here, dayum. Some of us are who we are in spite of our parents, not because of them.

            1. Thlayli*

              I thought the sentence where I said “unless they are estranged eg because of abuse” made it pretty clear that I was asking specifically about why a non-abusive family member would be less important than a friend. It’s pretty obvious why an abuse victim would be closer to non-abusers than abusers. I guess that wasn’t written clearly enough.

              1. Oxford Coma*

                Your thinking is very black and white, and it shows. Straight-out abuse and estrangement is one end of the spectrum. There are many gray areas in the middle that still prevent Hallmark family moments.

                1. Thlayli*

                  I think you’re being rude here. I said one sentence in my original post about all the things parents do for their kids. I also stated that I meant in the absence of abuse. You then accused me of making privileged assumptions. I clarified again that I meant in the absence of abuse, since apparently that wasn’t clear enough. Now you are again criticising me and frankly nitpicking on my language (which is straight up against site rules).

                  I had one sentence in my original post describing things parents do. A failure to do any of those things is literally neglect. Neglect is a form of abuse. It is illegal neglect not to do any of the following things for your kids: feed, clothe, love, raise, keep safe. Having sleepless nights is not specifically stated in law but I really don’t think it would be possible to adequately care for a sick and teething baby without having at least one sleepless night. So the situation I described was a normal non-abusive family, not a “priveliged” or “hallmark” family. (The perfect hallmark family doesn’t exist btw).

                  As I stated in both my first and second posts and downthread, I totally understand why an abuse victim would find friendships to be more important than relationships with abusers.

                  It is not “priveliged” or “black and white” to think that a non-abusive parent loves and cares for their children. Not caring for a child is literally neglect, which is literally a form of abuse. If your parents didn’t adequately care for you, that is neglect and emotional abuse. That’s not “black and white thinking” that’s fact and law.

          3. matcha123*

            In my case, the parent that raised me took out a lot of their frustrations on me when I was growing up. I was spanked harshly over trivial things, I was compared to peers who had more resources, I started working from a young age to help with household expenses, I was told that my interests were meaningless because they wouldn’t be on the SAT. When I tried to save money, I was told I was selfish and greedy. I also had to make sure that I paid proper “respect” to my parent, because everything I did was disrespectful.

            I understand that my parent didn’t want me to “fail” in life, but I was raised under harsher expectations than my peers. By middle school, I wasn’t allowed to have people over. I did grocery shopping with money I earned from my part time job. In high school and college, I was cooking meals for the family. My whole life was fraught was anxiety wondering if the power would be shut off, if we’d be kicked out and homeless, if my teeth were all going to rot out since I hadn’t been to a dentist since I was 8 or so.

            I don’t consider most of the “friends” I had in those years like family. Some of the friends from that time, and many more I’ve met in college and since have really been there for me. When I was hospitalized, one friend offered to fly from overseas to be with me since I was out of the country. Another always invited me over to his place for homecooked meals and let me stay the night at his place before I moved. Others have offered help in ways that a family typically would. And on my side, I would do what I could to help them and make their lives easier.

            Your family sounds like they really have looked out for each other. I don’t know why mine is so different. I do know that I don’t want to be without some warm, loving people.

            1. Thlayli*

              Ok I guess that explains it. I think the answer to your question of why we feel differently about this is simply that I had family members who really cared for me and looked out for me, so family is important to me, and you didn’t, so family is not important to you and friendships are more important. It seems to be as simple as that.

              FYI I do one parent who was wonderful and one parent who was not. I am estranged from the not-good parent. I am so sorry that you did not have any supportive parent at all – that must have been so tough. I totally understand now why you don’t think family is a big deal.

              1. Lissa*

                I also don’t think family has to be “not important” to someone for friends to equal family. For some people, a blood relationship doesn’t necessarily make one MORE close, if that makes sense…

                For instance, for me, my brother is awesome! He’s great and we have a fun time when we hang out. There are some things that nobody else will ever understand because we grew up together. I would absolutely drop most things to help him if he was in need.

                But, my best friend and I see each other more often. We have more in common than my brother and I do. We also went through things together just in a different period of our lives. I would drop most things to help her if she was in need.

                I don’t see my brother as trumping my best friend in any way because he’s related – in some ways I’m close to him but in most ways I am closer to her. It doesn’t really make sense to me that family is always MORE than friends if the family is generally cool.

                In my case this really doesn’t have to do with not having a supportive family or anyone being abusive, which seems to be where a lot of people went with this thread. It’s just that to me, being related might be a +1 or +2 on the scale of closeness, but there are lots of other things that give equal “bonuses”. And it’s the same scale. For other people, it’s a totally different scale for family as opposed to friends.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I’m married and have a kid, and we’re planning on having more, but I also see my friends as my family.

      Also, I think there are good friends and bad friends, not people who “don’t have a burning desire to marry and reproduce” and people who do, and I’d be pretty quick to distance myself from someone I felt like disdained my life/family. Not that you do, but I think it’s worth asking yourself if you are treating your friends like… I dunno, like they’re disappointing you or something by choosing to get married and have kids. If you’re not, and they’re the ones treating you like less than, they’re bad friends and good riddance. I think people can genuinely be friends across age/stage boundaries if they’re good people who care for each other intentionally.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Most of my family has passed away now, at least most of those who really know me. This gives you background so my answer makes more sense.

      People come and go from our lives. People shift priorities, and sometimes the shifts are sudden. I watched my father grow older. So. many. people. died. He ended up pretty lonely. He missed his lost people. I saw his mistake. He failed to continuously add new people to his life. I am not a big extrovert so adding new people is not a fast thing for me. I like to pick carefully and thoughtfully. As I went along, I saw lots of stuff.
      Friends have an attrition rate. Spouses get new jobs 2000 miles away and friend goes with them. A friend gets ill and decides to go live with family. Sometimes friends drift away because the activity that brought them together has ceased. And the other thing I saw was we do not get to pick who stays and who goes. This ratchets up the importance of continuously adding new people.

      Letting go gracefully is an art. I had a friend couple who were friends with another couple. THEIR friends announced they were moving far away. The next thing that happened was the two couples ended up in a huge fight. My friend couple said, “What went wrong here?” Nothing actually went wrong, it’s just that some people find it easier to leave if they are angry. So the exiting couple look around until they found something to be angry about and they found it. They left angry. It was easier for them. Done well, letting go is an art.

      So where that leaves you is you are going to eventually have a very large family of friends. Take your coolest people and introduce them to each other. Cool people really enjoy meeting more cool people. If someone leaves your area/life, wish them well. If and when an old friend comes back into your life, welcome them back.

      1. matcha123*

        The point about your father is spot on, and a huge reason for why I put effort into my friendships and trying to make new ones. My friends and I are spread across the globe. I may be lucky to see someone from my school days once every two years.
        I don’t like to give up on people, but I guess I shouldn’t try to force friendship with someone that is willing to let a friendship die because I don’t have the same background as them.

    8. Middle Name Jane*

      I never wanted children, but I always assumed I would marry. Well, I’m 39 and have never been married. Not even close. Because of some emotional baggage in my past, I haven’t even wanted or tried to date.

      What’s worse is that I’m an only child and my family is dysfunctional on both sides. Other than my parents, I don’t see my extended family. My parents don’t see them either. My mom has expressed concern about what will happen to me after she and my dad pass away because, essentially, I’ll be alone. I don’t make friends easily (I’m super introverted and have social anxiety).

      I don’t know how to fix it. I am not in a place emotionally where I can date. I feel like my life has passed me by in some ways. Not because of kids because I never wanted any, but I want a husband. I actually want in-laws. I know there are nice families out there that aren’t dysfunctional and backstabbing like my extended family. I’d love to have a nice mother-in-law or brothers/sisters-in-law to get together with on holidays. I don’t like babies or little kids, but it would be nice to be an aunt (or stepmom!) to older kids/teens. I know every family has their issues and I don’t expect a perfect family. But the sad fact is that sometimes I look at my Christmas china (complete service for 10) and think to myself that eventually I’ll be all by myself on Christmas Day. Service for one. It’s depressing.

    9. Triple Anon*

      I wanted all of that when I was younger. I now see that having kids is rarely what people expect. I think a lot of people expect some kind of “happily ever after,” but the truth is that kids are family members. I mean, just like all relatives, they’re like you and unlike you in ways that are wonderful at times and challenging at other times. It’s a complex relationship that has a lot of ups and downs. I think it must be very rewarding, but it’s not the only way to contribute to the world.

  65. Fiennes*

    I’m looking for books/lectures by interesting thinkers—especially about eastern religions, western philosophy, self-awareness, etc. I’m thinking of people in the vein of Alan Watts, Buckminster Fuller, and so on. Any suggestions for me?

    1. nep*

      I don’t know whether this suits your interests–it’s more about belief in god and comparative religions–but just putting it out there…Have you read anything by Karen Armstrong? I’ve not read her books but excerpts I’ve read and talks I’ve heard are intriguing. Interesting to know about her background and just how she came to her scholarly work.

    2. Nacho*

      I picked up The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff a few months back, and it was pretty interesting (and comes in audobook if you want). There’s also The Te of Piglet by the same guy, but I haven’t read that one yet.

    3. DrWombat*

      I really like Wendell Berry’s work! He had some really good thoughts re farming and the environment and food systems and ecology, IMO.

  66. Environmental Compliance*

    Hubs finally has his separation date! It’s next Wednesday! YAY!!! Just waiting on the plane ticket confirmation to see when I need to be there to pick him up.

    And MIL has now moved onto harassing *him* about getting me out to the training base to visit (which is halfway across the country), since I stopped responding entirely after the 8th or 9th “request”.

    Rant ahead: He’s coming home Wednesday. We are not paying out the bum for plane tickets & hotel and have me take off 2 days of work when he’ll be home in 4 days. Apparently our unwillingness to do this is just mind-blowing to her. She’s always done the thing where she gets an idea and holds onto it like a bulldog, but usually if she’s gently turned down once or twice she drops it, at least for a few months. This frickin’ trip she’s brought up nearly every single time either of us has talked to her for the past few weeks and she gets oddly aggressive about it. MIL & FIL did go up for a couple days to visit him last weekend and I got a multitude of pictures texted to me with captions like “Where are you? Why aren’t you here?” and “FIL could get off work, why not you?” and “You should be here, [husband] misses you!” From what Hubs said, this is all she talked about when they were there visiting. Thankfully, since he’s dropped out of the program, he’s gotten his cell phone back, so *he* can be their point of contact instead of me and I can feel less bad about ignoring her texts/calls/emails.

  67. nep*

    Anyone know 3S Artspace in Portsmouth, NH?
    I’m not planning to go, necessarily (no funds)–an artist I’ve seen several times, and for whom I’ve gone long distances–will be there in the coming months so I looked up the space. It looks amazing.

    2. KR*

      I don’t know the space specifically, but the city is amazing. I used to live there.

    3. Minerva*

      I know a tiny bit. A NP group I used to be associated with did a fundraiser there, but I couldn’t make it. They liked it. I don’t think this response is particularly useful, but I was excited to see someone mention something in my neck of the woods. :p

  68. LG*

    Your cat looks like she or he has a LOT of questions about why we were out late last night.

  69. PlantLady*

    Anybody have some experience with Boston? DH and I are doing an East Coast/Canada cruise next fall for our anniversary, and we’ll have 13 hours to spend in Boston. Neither of us have been there before, so what kind of things would you recommend we do? We’d like to see some of the historic sights, but we’re also open to shopping, restaurants, etc. We’re looking more for a “nice day out together that just happens to be in Boston” experience, rather than a, “We must cram All The Things about this important city into just one day” experience.

    1. HannahS*

      I went last summer. I took a walking tour along part of the Freedom Trail (which literally EMBEDDED into the sidewalk, so you don’t really need a map) with a costumed guide, which started in the Boston Common. I thought it was great, and I’m not American so I really learned a lot. I also really loved Paul Revere’s house (which is a bit farther along the trail). Honestly, Boston is beautiful, and really walkable. Strolling along the Freedom Trail, I found, took me to everywhere I wanted to go.

    2. Lily Evans*

      Walking the Freedom trail could be a good option. It’s definitely doable by yourselves in one day and you can walk it at your own pace, so you’ll see a lot of the historic sites but if something else along the route catches your eye, it passes plenty of shops and restaurants, you can take a break and pick it up later. And walking is one of the best ways to see Boston! A lot of visitors are surprised with how compact it is compared to other big cities, it’s so easy to see a lot of the city on foot.

    3. hermit crab*

      If you’re walking around downtown and it’s nice out, maybe stop by the aquarium and visit the seals who live outside, and people-watch around the harbor. Then stroll down the greenway and eat lunch at Pho Pasteur (near the Chinatown T stop). When I lived in Boston, that was my favorite “nice day out together” activity – low key but still Boston-y. And Pho Pasteur is DELICIOUS.

    4. KR*

      I would definitely recommend some seafood. I don’t have a specific restaurant in mind, sorry, but it is definitely the time to eat fresh new England lobster, steamers,ect.

        1. Bluebell*

          If you walk to the seaport area you can eat at Legal Seafood Harborside- great view! Or James Hook Lobster Co which is a classic.

    5. Thlayli*

      The cheers pubs are cool if you’re a fan of the show. I went on a “duck” tour and it was great fun. There’s a nice park with statues of ducks I think. One day it was raining and I went shopping in some big mall don’t remember the name but I do remember having a massage there while eating a massive chocolate covered strawberry.

      1. Lily Evans*

        The duck boat tours are cool because they cover the city from both land and water! And there’s the “Make Way for Ducklings” statue in the Public Garden which you’re probably thinking of. If the mall was actually in Boston, it’s probably Copley Place, which is definitely the type that would have massages and chocolate covered strawberries! It also has an Eataly now which is basically Disney World for Italian food and I love it.

    8. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I absolutely loved the duck boat tours and that’s perfect if you don’t have much time. I’ll second the recommendations on Faneuil Hall but I’d pass on Cheers, it’s basically just an expensive bar with meh food.

    9. Arjay*

      You can see a lot in just a few hours walking around Boston. I have a fondness for the swan boats in the Public Garden and the Granary Burying Ground has the graves of many founding fathers and historical folks (but probably NOT the “real” Mother Goose).

  70. AlligatorSky*

    Back again!

    Anyone got any tips on personal safety when travelling on your own? I’m travelling to London (from Scotland) by myself in 2 weeks. I’ve been before and I loved it, but all the recent murders that have made the news there are making me super nervous. I’ll be arriving late at night and travelling on the underground to get to my hotel, and I’ll be out and about until 2am at the latest for a couple of days. I’m a female, and it doesn’t help that I’m short as hell and look way younger than I am (24).

    1. nep*

      I carry a Kimber blaster, even just walking/jogging or when I know I’m going to be coming out of a place late. It’s purely psychological, I’m sure–but somehow I’m more at ease when I’ve got it on me. (I’m sure there will be commenters saying it’s a stupid idea. But, yeah.)
      I know nothing about getting around London or the security situation there so I can’t comment. Just wishing you pleasant travels–hope you’ll love it again this time.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      The media is WAY blowing this out of proportion. Unless you are walking down the high street in certain heavy gang areas in certain outer zone neighborhoods (Wood Green/Edmonton/Tottenham to the north, Hackney and further east like Newham, Lewisham/Kennington in the south, or way out to the northwest around Harrow/queensbury) then there isn’t too much to worry about beyond the normal precautions. All of this is gang related and social media driven within those spheres folks arent running around stabbing people at random in central at all. Also – I spent considerable time in Lewisham in the past and walked around there at 2, 3, 4 am and never had a problem, but I also stayed aware of surroundings and made sure I was walking past lit establishments (who knew hair could be done at all hours of the morning!)

      What I would recommend, especially being out that late, is remaining vigilant to your surroundings. The Night Tube is great and all but be aware as to who else is in the carriage with you – are they drunk and loud, is it only men, etc. Change carriages or wait for the next train if you feel uncomfortable. Walk in areas that are well lit and travelled with other people – i.e. don’t walk across an empty green late at night. And the current biggie – when using your mobile phone, stand/walk well away from the street and be aware of any scooters/mopeds in the area, particularly with two men, dressed in black, on one. You are more likely to get your phone snatched in inner London (particularly the City area, or anywhere wealth is displayed) than anything else these days!

      1. Thlayli*

        This. I’ve never felt scared in London (and I’m 5’2” and look about 25) Just stay away from anywhere you get a bad vibe from, just like you would anywhere. Don’t go down dark alleys or walk past gangs of people you get any sort of bad vibe off. Stay around the tourist areas and well lit streets and you’ll be grand.

        Murder of randomers isn’t really a thing in london the way it is in America. though it is certainly possible to get attacked or mugged – it is a big city after all.

        1. AlligatorSky*

          Thank you to you both! Guess I’m just being incredibly paranoid. Coming from Scotland, it just seems like the UK news I watch is filled with “London is BAAAAAD” stuff. I love the city though, it’s a wonderful city where I spent the best weekend of my life 2 weekends ago.

          If you guys can’t answer this – no worries! Do you have an opinion on the Blackfriars/Southwark area? Considering staying there as I’ve found a couple of great hotels, but I like getting opinions on areas before I go.

          Oh yes to the scooter/moped thing. I watched a BBC Three (I think) documentary on the gangs who go about stealing phones off unsuspecting people and it was scary as hell. Really freaked me out!

          Also, last time I was in London, I somehow managed to get my Oyster card balance down to -£5. Yep, MINUS. No idea how I did it, I’m slightly proud of this bizarre thing I managed to do.

          2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

            I know both those areas very well – Blackfriars side DEFINITELY be vigilant about the phone as I actually saw a woman get her purse snatched off her shoulder by moped riders one day mid-afternoon in a back street with plenty of people around. But she was on her phone and not paying attention. However, other than that it is extremely safe and very quiet in the evenings due to the fact its more offices than anything else. Plenty of tourists wandering around too due to St Pauls and that would be City of London police, not London Met patrolling.

            Southwark… depends. For the most part it is really quite safe, but it depends how far off the river you get, with the further south becoming more sketchy. Anything between the river and say Southwark/Borough stations ought to be fine, if a bit more urban than the other side. Usually a lot of people around higher-end bars and restaurants. Once you go past that you are starting to get into Elephant and Castle area which has gentrified but is still sketchy. (Unless you are directly in the vicinity of the Ministry of Sound and Corsica Studios venues and then there will be security around). Beyond that you hit Kennington (see original post)/Oval/Camberwell areas (the latter is actually gentrifying quickly) and a lot of grimness until you get to say Dulwich.

            I would pick based on which is closest to the tube lines you are likely to take and if the stations have night tube. Also make sure that Oyster is topped up – I think they give you an “overdraft” of a certain amount in order to complete a journey but you can’t do anything again until thats been paid! Alternatively just use your bank card to tap in and out.

            1. AlligatorSky*

              Thank you so much for this reply! There’s one hotel I’ve been looking at, I won’t say which one but if you go on Google Maps, it’s 2ish minutes away from the Southwark underground and it starts with an I. I was at the Southwark Playhouse when I was last there, and walked to and from the place back to my hotel in the dark, and I felt pretty safe. I had headphones on, but I made sure my music was low enough so I could hear what was going on around me. I also made sure my phone was in my front (zipped) pocket. The only part that I did feel nervous being around was the bit down at Southbank, it’s the bit where the skateboarders hang out with all the graffiti? Looking back, I shouldn’t have gone down that way, but I didn’t know any better. I was down there around midnight, and I did feel slightly intimidated by the large crowd there. Nothing happened, but I did feel a little nervous.

              I’m still trying to find a hotel and I’m still trying to decide on a good area. My train gets into Euston at 11.34pm on the Friday night when I go, and I’m just nervous about having to use the underground/navigate the area around that time. Will make sure I’m fairly close to a tube line and take the night tube into consideration. Thank you for your help, it’s much appreciated!

              1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

                Yeah, I know that hotel, that area is fine and there tend to be quite a few students around. Although there are busses from Euston/KX I would advise tube over bus that time of night – there will be one change but it will be faster, with more people around.

                That skateboard area can be a bit intimidating at night regardless of time!

                1. AlligatorSky*

                  I’m still looking at hotels, I think you may have answered this in the previous question, so forgive me if I’m repeating myself! I’m looking at another hotel that’s the same brand as the one mentioned above. Starts with an I, it’s a bit fancier than the other one and it’s got a green logo. It’s kinda near Southwark Cathedral. Is that area okay at night? If you had to pick which part to stay in (i.e the hotel mentioned in my previous comment), or the one I just mentioned there, which area would you choose?

                  I’m pretty sure as long as I have common sense and pay attention to my surroundings that I’ll be fine, I’m just totally paranoid!

        2. Parenthetically*

          Yep, I’m 5’4″ and young looking and spent about 3 weeks wandering around London by myself — even in Lewisham and Peckham Rye and less savory areas, and I never felt unsafe.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        All of this. I’ve never felt scared in London either, and I’ve never had an issue. Paying attention to your surroundings reduces your chance of becoming a victim of anything, not only because you are aware but because predators factor that in when they scan for victims. For example, a mugger or pickpocket will target someone who isn’t looking where they’re going, is distracted, etc. so they can hit quickly and then disappear. Someone who is aware and looking is a harder target–it’s not a guarantee, but they tend to avoid these folks.

        Enjoy your trip! I wish I were going to London right now.

        1. AlligatorSky*

          Great advice, thank you so much! I’m managing to see Matilda the Musical when I go, which I’ve been wanting to see for YEARS so I’m really looking forward to it! I just hope the weather’s nice.

    3. TheLiz*

      Staying in well-lit areas will almost certainly help, too. I lived in London for nine years (eighteen to 27) and spent a fair amount of time out after midnight, including unscheduled wanderings into Brixton (a ‘rough’ area) when I couldn’t sleep at one stage, but a young woman is very, very unlikely to be attacked if traveling on a well-lit route. You may, however, get well-meaning but irritating passers-by asking “where’s your mum sweetie?” I never did, but it’s a risk worth preparing for.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thank you! I’ll make sure to always travel in well-lit areas and not venture too far into any dark areas (if you get me?). Appreciate the tips, thanks!

    4. nep*

      On this subject–do you all think it helps in any way to walk around like you own the place? This is one thing I tend to do when I want to be extra vigilant and be basically the opposite of a ‘path of least resistance’ for an offender of any kind. I just walk about with the attitude: ‘You’re picking the wrong chick to mess with, yo.’

      1. tangerineRose*

        I don’t know for sure, but I do that too. If it’s late and dark, I do my best to be obviously aware of my surroundings, avoid being too close to anyone, and try to look like someone who would defend herself. I don’t know if it works, but it doesn’t seem like it would hurt.

        1. nep*

          I’m always looking all ways as I’m walking, too. Shoot sometimes I wave my arms around and otherwise move about as I’m walking–looks a bit odd but it just comes to me in the moment to do that and I do.

      2. Thlayli*

        Body language definitely helps. Also walking around confidently like you know where you are going helps.

        It’s borderline victim-blaming because obviously even if you are walking around looking scared and lost you should be able to do that without getting attacked, but in reality a lot of muggers or attackers will tend to look for weak and easy targets if they can, so anything you can do to look less lost and scared will reduce the chance that you are the one who gets attacked.

        1. nep*

          I guess I get that some could see it as borderline victim-blaming, but that’s only if I were to say that the wrong in a criminal offense didn’t lie 100 percent with the perpetrator. Of course it does. Holding to common sense ways to stave off would-be offenders–locking the doors, paying attention when walking–doesn’t translate to faulting the victim when a criminal strikes.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Well it is, and it isn’t, really. There are a lot of things you can do to reduce risk. But the onus is still on the mugger to not mug people.

          But this is how hunters operate. Human predators operate like animal hunters. They wait for the moment when the prey is distracted and BOOM, then they strike.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        This kept me from getting panhandled incessantly in Santa Cruz. I think I still do it–nobody bothers me when I go anywhere. If they do, I just scowl at them and they back off!

    5. Cristina in England*

      Hey!!! So good to see you back.

      I don’t think the area you’re coming from is that different to London security-wise. You probably already make sure your bag is zipped or closed and you probably don’t do stuff like leave your phone out in the open on a cafe table or anything. If you don’t already have a way to tether your phone, I would consider that: either get a ring stand that you stick on the back of it (you use it as a stand or put it on your finger like a ring when you’re holding the phone), or a case that has a loop on it that you can clip into your bag.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I’ll definitely look into getting a tether, thanks! I’m also looking into a wallet that I can chain to something in my bag, so that I’ll feel less worried about having it in my bag. I probably sound paranoid, but I’d much rather be safe than sorry! Thank you again, it’s been a while since I popped up, so hey!

    6. Triple Anon*

      Walk fast and confidently, like you know where you’re going. If anyone talks to you, either act like you didn’t hear them or say something back very confidently while walking away. Read up on social psychology and all of that Gift of Fear stuff so you’ll know what manipulation tactics people use. And trust your instincts.

  71. HannahS*

    I’m very, very single. I’ve been very, very single for my entire life (to be fair, though, I’ve really only cared for the last five years). Dating is SO HARD. It’s both boring and difficult, which is a terrible combination. This year, I moved even farther away from the Big City, where there are larger Jewish communities. There just isn’t a big enough dating pool locally, and I can’t stomach the idea of driving two hours for each new date. I’ve tried multiple online platforms, too. I’ve had so many first dates, and from all of it, only two or three second dates. One third date, and that’s it. Gah, I just want a serious relationship!

    Boost me with love stories–how did you meet your SO? Alternatively, commiserate with me, and tell me your awful online dating stories.

    1. AlligatorSky*

      Fellow non dater here. I’m 24 and my family keep asking me when I’m going to get a boyfriend and get married and have kids. They also keep saying I now must be gay as I don’t have a boyfriend, and that I need to hurry up and settle down. It’s annoying as hell. I wish it was easy as it is in the Sims – You just find another sim and boom, in love!

      1. HannahS*

        Lol if only I could talk a bunch, give some compliments, offer a backrub, kiss a bit, get married, get our woo-hoo on, and have some kids emerge over the course of a day standing outside my custom-built house on a generous property…oh the convenience…

      2. Not So NewReader*

        “Family, every time you ask me that question I am going to postpone BF and marriage for another 3 years. So far we are up to 2075. Care to go even farther?”
        If they continue talking just say, “Okay 2078 it is then.”

    2. Agent Veronica*

      I didn’t date in high school. At all. Had one summer romance before my senior year.

      Dated sporadically in college. Two boyfriends, way more drama than such a small bf count should be able to create.

      Had one boyfriend right after college. Mostly healthy and happy for a year…but it became apparent we wanted fundamentally different things in life. We parted fairly amicably.

      And then I was single for TWENTY-ONE YEARS.

      I dated, rarely. I had hookups and some friends with benefits. But that’s all, and years could pass between even that. Online dating was disaster after disaster. I was very alone, and while I kept on living my life, I felt so broken and wrong. For all my flaws and being very ordinary-looking, it just seemed like I wasn’t that bad. But nobody ever, ever, ever showed…

      Until 3 years ago. My SIL had a last-minute work emergency, so I went to pick up my teenage niece from her music lesson. The teacher—a guy about 5 years younger than me—had on a Star Wars shirt. So did I. We chatted for a while. As I was driving my niece home, I remember thinking, “why can’t I meet someone like that, but just a little less cute, so I might have a chance?” At my niece’s next lesson, her teacher asked if just maybe her aunt was single.

      We live together now, and while we’re not officially engaged yet, we talk about getting married next year. We’re both older and wiser, and neither of us takes a good romantic partner for granted. We have a great, open, honest relationship. I no longer wish I’d met someone when I was younger, because that person wouldn’t have been my guy.

      Long story short: no matter how long it’s been, no matter how little romantic experience you have, love can still happen. Also, teenage nieces can be adorably smug when describing how they “played matchmaker.”

      2. annakarina1*

        That is a really great story, and it gives me hope. I’ve been single for five years, mostly because I was busy with work and school and didn’t think about dating, had one serious boyfriend for a year prior, and dated casually in my twenties but wasn’t ready for a real relationship until I was 28. I see an FWB for fun and date casually, but would like to be in another serious relationship, and am trying to personally improve so that I’m better ready for it.

    3. buttercup*

      Ugh SAME. I’m 26, my last relationship was 4 years ago in college. Since I moved to a different city, I’ve dated around but haven’t lucked into a relationship. I’m online dating but it’s quite lame, in my opinion. Just the other day, my mother reprimanded me via telephone for not being married by now. She pretty much criticized me for not being as mature as my family members who did successfully marry by 26/had children. Never mind that I am financially self-sufficient with a job and have completed grad school, but no – I’m still single so I failed.

      1. nep*

        Aaaack–it’s just beyond ridiculous to put this as a personal failing. I.Just.Don’t.Getit!

    4. Nacho*

      Maybe dating’s just not for you? I tried it a few times before realizing I just don’t like people that way, and I’ve never been happier to be single.

      1. HannahS*

        Haha well I’m certainly not good at it, but no, I definitely want a relationship. I have met people I liked, but just not good timing/location.

    5. Thlayli*

      I personally met my husband in a pub, but I’ve met a few exes through friends and family. Since it seems like you are very specific about wanting to date within the Jewish community, perhaps friends/family is the way to go? I went out with 2 guys who were friends of two of my cousins – one for 4 years another for 3 years. I met another ex through friends.

      1. Thlayli*

        Also – it’s crazy how many of you are getting crap from family for being single in your twenties! I didn’t even meet my hubby till I was 30.

      2. HannahS*

        Lol some of my worst dating stories are from friends and family! I have one aunt with excellent taste, but a lot of people within the community, I find, do the whole “Well, HE’S Jewish and YOU’RE Jewish, it’s a perfect match” thing without considering if we have anything in common. One woman suggested I show up at the workplace of her friend’s son, because it turned out that he’d explicitly told his mother to stop meddling in his love life, so could I just hit on him and pretend it’s a coincidence?

        But yeah, I’ve basically put out the equivalent of an APB to my closer friends and family. No luck yet, though.

        And I will say, I am deeply grateful that no one in my family cares that I’m single and childless, beyond the fact that it makes me unhappy and they want me to be happy.

        1. Observer*

          I’m laughing and cringing at the same time. People can be REALLY strange about this stuff.

          I hope you find someone soon.

    6. Red Reader*

      2003: I start dating a dude Fergus in April. In August, Fergus and I fly to Indiana to go to GenCon, where we help run a LARP during the convention. I meet many new people from Indiana, including Wakeen. I have attended the convention every summer since that year and became very good friends with many of those Indiana people.
      2006: Fergus and I, who are now engaged, attend Wakeen’s wedding during that year’s convention.
      2007: Fergus and I get married. Wakeen and his wife were invited, but could not make it.
      2009: Wakeen’s wife moves to work overseas and decides she never wants to live in the US again. They eventually divorce (eventually as in, several years later, like 2013).
      2010: Fergus dumps me like a hot potato. (I was working on my own exit strategy, so this was just fine.) We go to the convention semi-together, because travel arrangements had already been made, but mostly avoid each other. Or try to. Fergus acts like a Fergus, and I ended up crying at Wakeen because he happened to be closest and saw Fergus Fergusing.
      2012: I moved from Seattle to Indiana, because Fergus’ refusal to leave was the only reason I had stayed in Seattle, and I had a lot more friends in Indiana, plus closer to my family, etc etc reasons.
      Wakeen and I started dating in 2014, got engaged in 2016 and married this past September.

      I also adopted my dog from him in 2012 when he was going to give living overseas a shot. When he came back, I told him he could not have my dog back. So now we joke that not only did my ex-husband introduce us, but W married me to get access to my dog.

    7. Parenthetically*

      We met in a really boring way in one way, through friends introducing us casually at a drinks thing at a favorite pub, but in a really crazy way in another way, 10,000 miles from (my) home on my last night there. It was a very slow start, and then a pretty fast courtship, and now we are happily married.

    8. Aurora Leigh*

      I never dated in high school or in college. I was pretty focused on academics and working, and friends . . . plus shy and awkward . . . lol

      Anyway, around 24 I realized that the partner and family I had always wanted weren’t just going to fall in my lap. Signed up for online dating, went on one meh date and then just dropped it for awhile.

      About a year later I decided I was sick of all the emails Match was sending me and I needed to delete everything from their site. Then I thought I might as well browse the profiles since I finally bothered to log in again . . . and I met a great guy!

      We’ve been together over a year now, we have a dog together, I’m moving in with him this summer and we’re talking about marriage.

      So don’t give up! I’m in a rural area with a very small dating pool. We never would have met any other way — he lives in a town only about 20 minutes away from me, but he was working midnights at the time.

    9. Sparrow*

      I’m also quite single at the moment. I’ve had one relationship in my life, which was not perfect but good and ended because I moved, not because we were sick of each other, which made letting go extra difficult. I’m in a large city, so the dating pool is large, but I’ve found the important thing is to carefully budget how much effort I’m putting toward it, being selective about who I “like” and message and meet. (I’ve got a second date tonight, fingers crossed!) Make swiping/dating a background thing in your life, slow and steady, so it doesn’t suck up too much emotional energy.
      Another thing that helps is finding a single friend or two with similar dating philosophies so you can commiserate about silly profiles, weird messages, and awkward moments, because they will happen. I have a group chat with some friends dedicated to this topic because it’s so common.
      Good luck!

    10. Grapey*

      I actually have no awful online dating stories, sorry. But I do have a success story.

      I met my husband online. IRL, I was tired of encountering guys that said “no kids” but meant “no kids right now” and I wanted to separate the wheat from the chaff once and for all. OKCupid had a nifty check box along the lines of “I really never want kids, like I’m serious here.”

      I bit the bullet and brought up kids in one of the first few messages since I really didn’t want to go forward if he wasn’t on the same page. His reply was previous dates kept getting turned off because he has a vasectomy. I still remember the dancey :D :D :D reaction I had when I read that.

      It really does come down to luck, IMO. People ask how we keep our marriage great and I don’t have a good answer other than luck and being honest with yourself and each other.

      1. buttercup*

        I’m on OKC and find that lots of guys straight up don’t read profiles…is this just me? Two guys i went on dates with literally lied to me about their intentions – i’m clear in my profile and in messages that I’m not looking for one-night hookups, which they will agree, only for them to try an make a move on me after one date! I would rather they ghost me if they realized they didn’t want to move on. Also, I’m liberal and keep getting messaged by conservatives.

        1. HannahS*

          Yeah, that’s why I left OkC. They do have options to select your religion, and I explicitly said I wanted someone who was engaged with Judaism, but I just got message after message along the lines of “you have prety eyes” and “hey babe” interspersed with “I’m not Jewish but I see we have a lot in common” which was like, great, so I could respect you and we could be friends but I’m on this dating website to find, like, a life partner so unless you’re seriously considering conversion I don’t want to start anything. And they were largely nice people so I felt like I should write back to politely reject them, which was exhausting. So I gave up and left the platform.

    11. Bluebell*

      I actually used a matchmaking service! I was in my late 20s and a friend was using one and she convinced me to try it. I signed up to meet 3 guys and my husband was #1.5ish. I had talked to someone else on the phone but it didn’t count as a date because we decided not to meet. After about four dates I was pretty sure he was “the one” – we got engaged after 3 months, married a year after that, and now it’s been over 20 years. My friend? Still not married. Good luck to you!

  72. So very anonymous for this*

    CW: domestic abuse (not mine)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    In one of my social circles, there are two women who dated for several months prior to my knowing them or anyone else in the social circle. Let’s call them Cersei and Margaery. The relationship had appeared to end on friendly terms, with some tenseness and awkwardness but mostly everyone appearing to share space and friends with no problem.

    Over the past year, it has become increasingly clear that this was not the case. There was increasing, visible tension and then it became a one-or-the-other could be present but not both. I kept hearing rumors of mistreatment, but nothing specific until this past month. Cersei very publicly accused Margaery of emotional abuse during their time together. Several mutual friends have quietly but obviously cut Margaery out of their lives in support of Cersei. There is subtle but obvious and strong pressure for the rest of us to do the same.

    But here is the personal wrinkle for me. Since Cersei’s accusation, several other mutual friends have said that Cersei has actually been steadily harassing Margaery and trying to isolate/exile her from the social group since the breakup. I’ve witnessed some of this personally. They think Cersei’s accusation is an escalation of her harassment/attempts to get rid of Margaery.

    Complications: I am actively organizing a large social event with Margaery. I am getting pressure to stand with Cersei and kick Margaery out of the event. This is a social circle that self-identifies as progressive, social-justice oriented so stand with/believe survivors is an important value (and one I share!).

    Except I really don’t know who is the abuser and who is the abused here. I wasn’t there for the original relationship. Everyone I’ve talked to agrees it was not a good relationship. But no one who has talked to me personally witnessed behavior they would label abusive… but we’re also all aware that public/private behavior aren’t the same. I’ve witnessed Cersei harass Margaery and label behavior as abusive that was not abusive. OTOH, I’m also aware that Cersei’s present actions don’t mean that she wasn’t wronged and that they may even flow out of being wronged. On the third mutant hand, I feel like based on the current information I know, kicking Margaery out of the event would be actively helping Cersei harass her. I can’t help but feel Cersei’s supporters are primarily supporting her because she was the one who threw out the word “abuse”.

    Has anyone been in a situation like this? I keep trying to check in with my biases, but short of getting a crystal ball that can let me see Cersei/Margaery’s private interactions, I feel like there’s no way to know which is the correct person to support.

    1. Turtlewings*

      This is such, such a tricky situation and I can’t give you hard-line “this is what you should do” advice. But in my opinion, a very important thing here is that you’ve seen Cersei call things abuse that you feel are not abuse. I feel like that cuts her credibility in a big way, and I personally would not ostracize someone based on that.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      In these situations you may never figure out who to support. And this is a very common problem. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
      I think both parties should be reminded that it is all in the past now. Others need to quit taking sides. It is their battle, not the group’s battle. As long as their break up divides the group that keeps their relationship alive in some way. The group needs to agree to quit throwing fuel on the fire.
      Set boundaries and apply the boundaries evenly. No talking about the other. If one mentions the other one, “Gee, perhaps you should see a counselor, I am really not qualified to offer viable suggestions here.”

    3. Colastrawberry*

      That’s really difficult. One thing I can contribute from personal experience is that sometimes behaviours that don’t seem abusive in isolation can become part of a pattern of abuse, & abuse can taint the memory of many things, as there’s now a layer of abuse under which the whole relationship is viewed. So Cersei describing behaviours/incidents that you wouldn’t view as abusive doesn’t mean abuse didn’t occur. Example: Turning up to a partner’s house with flowers is not necessarily considered abusive. However, my ex did this, & it was part of his abusive pattern – he would scream at me & threaten me & emotionally abuse me endlessly, then publicly perform romantic gestures to manipulate me into not leaving him, & also so that other people would only see these lovely romantic gestures & not believe me when I said he was privately abusive. So it’s not always clear cut.

      To paraphrase Roxane Gay, I’d rather stand with victims & occasionally be wrong, than defend abusers & occasionally be wrong.

      1. So very anonymous for this*

        Yes, I have been thinking of that. Some of what Cersei’s labeled abuse could fall into that category, but some of it simply can’t. I can’t go into the details about this for obvious reasons (but to be clear, I’m speaking of things that I personally witnessed as opposed to making a judgment call about secondhand reports).

        In regards to the Roxane Gay quote, if I decide to stand with Cersei and am wrong, I will be actively participating in Cersei’s abuse of Margaery. That is why this is so fraught for me.

        1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

          Yes, it’s extremely fraught and it really, really sucks.

          I’m an administrator of an online community (one of a team, thankfully, not the sole admin), and we dealt with something like this a little while ago. Two people in the community (Jamie and Logan) had a friendship-turned-romantic-relationship which ended poorly. Jamie was a well known member of the community with a high status, while Logan was not very well known and not very active. Some time after their falling out, Jamie filed a complaint with us that Logan was harassing them and had been abusive, and said that they were mentally traumatized from the relationship. Logan got wind of the complaint and made a counter-complaint that they wanted nothing more than to have no contact, but that Jamie was harassing and defaming them by filing the complaint and trying to have them banned. Eek.

          We had to investigate the matter, which mostly involved talking to a lot of people who had witnessed one side or the other, as well as reviewing private messages and IM logs. We ultimately concluded that Jamie and Logan seemed to bring out the worst in each other and had had a nasty, toxic relationship that ended poorly, and that they both bore some of the responsibility for continuing to escalate their fights. While it was our opinion that the ideal solution was for them to avoid each other entirely, from what we could tell, neither had engaged in conduct that justified us banning them from the community.

          Unfortunately, Jamie was extremely unhappy with our conclusion, posted a very public screed against us (in which they identified themselves as the person who filed the complaint, which had until then been a matter of speculation) and, as the kids say, rage quit.

          All of which is to say, there aren’t any easy answers in a case like this. Friends aren’t really equipped to vet various accusations, gather evidence, and determine the absolute truth. Often there isn’t even an absolute truth. Two people can absolutely bring out the worst in each other and thereby wind up in a deeply problematic relationship where both parties feel like they were the ones victimized. Hell, two people can bring out the worst in each other such that only one party feels victimized, but that party then goes on to harass the other after the relationship is over. Moreover, while there is, rightfully, a major push in social awareness to believe victims about their experiences, the dark underbelly of that is that there are manipulative people who will use that to try to get sympathy and victimhood by force or twist it to further torment victims who have broken away.

          My best advice is just to weigh what you know and use your gut. Naming specific things as abusive that aren’t, stories that witnesses report happened very differently, what you know about the person’s other/previous relationships, your own personal judgement… all of those can play into what you decide to believe. If you think you are seeing current, ongoing harassment of Margaery by Cersei, that’s IMO a major thing to factor in. It’s one thing for an abuse victim to make their experiences public and to want absolutely no contact with their abuser. It’s another thing for them to try and get the abuser ostracized by everybody they know, kicked out of events, fired from their job, or what have you. I don’t think you have to support someone who is crossing into vendetta territory.

  73. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I am so very late but I’m 3/4 of the way through Gilmore girls: a year in the life and although I’m glad I finally started watching OH MY GOD THEY ARE TOTALLY BOUNDARY-LESS AND DESERVE EVERYTHING THEY GET.

    1. Thlayli*

      Mwah ahaha I totally agree! Does anyone actually interact with their parent/child the way those two do in real life? Can’t stand that show.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        For some reason I enjoy watching even though they are not really very nice people! The fat shaming at the beginning of summer was just beyond the pale (pail?).

        1. Thlayli*

          Beyond the pale I think. Refers to when the area around Dublin was walled in and was referred to as “the Pale”. Outside of this was (from the British perspective) a lawless area full of savages.

      2. annakarina1*

        Rory was fine as a smart teen girl into books, but she really seemed to get off on playing the damsel to be fought over by boys, being really self-centered and childish, and it got ridiculous to think that she was the one girl that several guys wanted, when I thought Lane was a lot more fun and more interesting than she was, albeit with a strict mom that limited her dating prospects.

    4. caledonia*

      The revival totally ruined the whole series for me. Maybe in time I will go back to it but I haven’t had the urge to want to re-visit any of the episodes of the original series since.

    5. nep*

      I’ve got relatives who absolutely LOVE that show. I’ve never sat through an entire episode because can’t stand it; I’ve seen enough to know–no way. To each his/her own.

    6. Thursday Next*

      Watching the original series at it unfolded a week at a time, I never got the full sense of how awful Lorelei and Rory were. Binge watching it over again, and watching A Year, I really came to loathe them. Rory is The Worst. So disappointing, given that the original series ended with such hope for her (and I know that wasn’t Amy Sherman Palladino writing Season 7; in rewatching the series, I think the subs did a much better job with character arcs for Rory and Logan).

      Ugh, I could go on.

    7. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Finished now.
      Why the hell was Doula never even mentioned? Or was she born in The Season That Will Not Be Mentioned and therefore does not exist in the eyes of ASP? Because if so, OH MY GOD.

      I absolutely hated Emily all through the original series. She was the only person worth watching in AYITL.

    8. Pat Benetardis*

      I feel like of course they are terrible. Lorelei was kind of a terrible mother and a pretty selfish person. Of course she has good parts of her too, but for me she was definitely a nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there. Rory was more disappointing for me but she also made some terrible choices that foreshadow the later Rory (such as sleeping with Dean).
      Emily was always my favorite. I wonder if I formed those opinions because I was 40 and had young teens when I watched the show.

  74. Turtlewings*

    So, my older sister and I have an apartment together, which works out pretty great. We enjoy each other’s company and we do well as roommates. My younger sister, her husband and their two young sons, live in the same apartment complex, right across the parking lot from us. We’re back and forth constantly, and for the most part I enjoy that and I’m really glad we live so close. I get along well with my brother-in-law, as long as stay away from politics, and I adore my nephews.

    Little Sis and Bro-in-Law recently found a house for sale that they’re very interested in. It’s a former duplex that was combined into one house but it still has two kitchens, two living rooms, etc. They want us all to get the house and live there together.

    Probably this would be great in a lot of ways? But, idk, I have reservations. Not least because I really like our apartment and am perfectly happy with the way things are. I know Little Sis and Bro-in-Law are not, though — their apartment is really too small for their growing family, so they will doubtless move eventually, and I’d rather continue to be close to them. My reservations are as follows:

    –My commute will be 8 miles longer, which can easily be half an hour in Dallas traffic.
    –Like I said, I adore my nephews… but I also like being able to get AWAY from them sometimes. (The oldest is not quite two! They’re a lot to handle!)
    –Little Sis needs a lot of help with life in general (depression, two babies, not much money, etc.) and has always been of the clingy, what-are-boundaries sort. I love her and enjoy her company, but I’m super introverted and can’t handle having her stuck to me at all times.
    –Can they actually even afford a house? Because I have my doubts about that and I don’t want to end up on the street because they couldn’t make payments.

    Anyone have thoughts, advice, relevant experiences to share?

    1. TheLiz*

      DON’T DO IT. Danger, Will Robinson. The number of ways this could go catastrophically wrong are just not worth the risk. Liking somebody “well enough” is not good enough to *move in with* them. If you want to keep up with them after they move, set up a standing dinner date, but don’t move in.

      Example: they are a “what-are-boundaries?” sort. This means you’ll have no contract, because that would be insulting. But that means no formal agreement when there are fights, like about the fact that they thought you’d agreed to babysit and you did not, and they’re your landlords, and…

      Just don’t. I used to live on a boat, I’ve a barge-pole I can lend you to not touch this with ;)

    2. OhBehave*

      Nope. Nope. Nopety Nope! You need your privacy and the ability to withdraw when needed. It’s great that you have such a close relationship with your siblings and nephews, but I would be afraid you will be a built-in babysitter. What does your flatmate/sister have to say about this proposal?
      Personally, I would not do this. Maybe if it was a true duplex with separate living quarters.
      Please don’t let them pressure you into moving into this home. My guess is that they cannot afford it on their own and are counting on you and sis moving in with them.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Another no vote.
      Sis needs to grow.
      You are happy so why would you move?
      Don’t mix your finances with anyone you are not 2000% sure of. You cannot keep buying houses or renting new places just to follow her around. By following her around you are attaching your finances to hers.

  75. Lujessmin*

    So, does anyone else besides me like to wander around cemeteries and take pictures of interesting plots/headstones? I just came back from my hometown (where I put down flowers for my people), and the cemetery they are in has a lot of interesting markers.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I do not, but I did think about folks with that hobby recently while watching a true-crime show. A young couple was murdered, and when they were buried, the shared headstone said “KIDNAPPED AND SLAIN” beneath their names & dates. I thought that would be a heck of a thing to stumble across in the cemetery.

    2. Rogue*

      I do! Frequently and in lots of different places. I love the statuary in cemeteries, especially older ones.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t take pictures; however, I do look at the plots and headstones with interest. There’s a small family cemetery on my street that dates back to the 1600s, so that’s really interesting to walk through. I think the latest headstone is somewhere in the late 1800s.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Neat!
        I used to cut through a cemetery in college, on my way to the mall. To go around it would have meant a very long walk on busy streets with no pavements. Nearly everyone just walked through it. They had some older tombstones and a couple of mausoleums. I liked reading the Victorian ones, and they often had little portraits embedded in them, which was cool. It was nice and quiet in there.

    4. nep*

      I don’t take pictures of headstones, but I do like to visit local cemeteries where Civil War soldiers are buried and the like…and just really old tombstones. It’s fascinating.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      I do! I love old cemeteries and occasionally I’ll photograph particularly interesting ones. I’ve written a couple internet articles about headstones and iconography, and there are a ton of neat tricks you can use to learn more or see better. One of my favourite things to do!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I used to take stone rubbings. (Put paper over the stone and use the side of the pencil to go over the letters. You can then read the stone… sometimes.)

      Some of the things you run across can be mind blowing. I was surprised by how many couples died around the same time. Apparently this is well known by statisticians. One time I found a group of sibs all with the same death date. Fire. That was very unsettling.

    7. AlligatorSky*

      I LOVE doing that! Sometimes if I’m out and about and see a grave that’s particularly interesting or that stands out, I’ll make a note of it and look it up later. Recently I saw a grave which had something along the lines of ‘Tragically taken away from us so young, we still can’t believe he’s gone” written on it. I searched it up when I got home, and the poor guy had been in a mining accident, where something had collapsed on top of him and killed him instantly. It was so tragic. I went back later and laid flowers to pay my respects.

    8. Bluebell*

      I don’t take too many photos but love to visit cemeteries, especially in different cities. It’s interesting to find graves of historical figures as well. If you ever get to Brooklyn, Green Wood Cemetery is phenomenal, and on Boston both Forest Hills and Mt Auburn are very impressive.

  76. Gerenuk*

    Patio furniture question:

    I have a patio furniture set that I really like but it has thick cushions and it can’t be used without the cushions.
    I used to have an enclosed three season porch and that was where the furniture lived, but I have moved and now I have a big open deck, which is a really nice deck but it is completely exposed to the elements.
    I want to put the furniture on the deck, but do I need to bring the cushions in every night? Only if there’s rain forecast? Just let them get wet? Invest in covers for the furniture or a storage box for the cushions? What do people do with their outdoor furniture?

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      You’d think that patio furniture by nature would be designed to be at least somewhat weather resistant. I’d probably grab a cushion and see how weatherproof it is by spraying it with a hose. If the answer is “not so much,” I’d price shop chair covers vs a large enough storage box.

      I definitely wouldn’t be bringing it in every night! You might want to start thinking ahead for winter storage, though, if you get winter where you live.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m a really bad patio furniture owner. Most people (meaning, not me!) store the furniture and/or cushions at the end of the season. If it can’t fit anywhere, then the cushions are stored in the garage or a shed, and the furniture covered. But if you’re me, you basically let it sit outside all winter and be exposed to rain, sleet, wind, feet of snow, etc. and then bitch and moan in the spring when the cushions look like crap and you either have to buy new (cheap) ones or clean them really good. I usually opt for new ones because I’m lazy.

  77. Nacho*

    Stupid question, but one of the adds I keep seeing in AaM is a guy cracking eggs into an ice cube tray. Why would you crack eggs in an ice cube tray, and what the hell is this add trying to sell?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I think it’s alternative uses for an ice cube tray and I have a feeling it isn’t whole eggs, but the yolk (or white) that’s left over after using the rest for a recipe that only calls for one part. It actually works well to save it that way (though we stopped freezing whites cause we just never did use them).

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        I usually have left over yolks from making chiffon cakes. Maybe we could set up a swap? :)

        1. fposte*

          Altruism?

          More seriously, it looks like there are some videos like that coming from “natural remedy”-type sites, so it’s just PR for the site.

    2. Lcsa99*

      So just wondering what others would do in our place. My husband and I moved last year and we are starting to look for new veterinarians for the kitties cause they need to go for their annual sometime in July. We actually aren’t heartbroken about finding a new vet for them cause last year we were disappointed to find out the vet we loved had left the office we usually go to (and we didn’t find out until we got there).

      So we started looking at reviews for the vets near us and … they aren’t great. Most have a mix of really good and really bad reviews, which I guess is average, but what has me concerned is that the one with the best also has ones saying he tends to treat the animals more like a mechanic treats a car than a doctor treats his patient. And we really want someone who cares about the animals.

      However! We found out that the vet we loved is now at an office 25 minutes away from our new place. The unknown vets are 5 – 10 minutes away.

      So we can either do a new doc and hope for the best, or make the cats sit in the car at least twice as long as they would otherwise to get a vet we know is good. What would you do?

      2. tangerineRose*

        My current vet is about 15-20 minutes away. It’s a drive, but the vet is good, so for me it’s been worth it. Sometimes I do think about how easy it would be to drive just a few minutes though.

    4. Molly's Reach*

      Ugh I hate that ad. It freezes the webpage everytime. I curse those stupid ice cube tray hacks.

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Oh my goodness how exciting!! When you saw it did you go all quiet in case you scared it away or go all loud and squee at it so it knew you were there??

    4. Mimmy*

      A pile of autographed and soon-to-be autographed bookplates – you’re a celebrity now! ;)

    5. Oxford Coma*

      It would take me a fracking year to sign my name that many times and have it look nice and/or legible.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        This process has made me realize what a boring signature I have! Mine is just my normal writing; aren’t signatures usually more interesting? Although in no other part of life do I ever write a cursive capital G anymore.

        1. JamieS*

          My signature bears zero resemblance to my name so I’m always impressed when I encounter a fully legible signature.

        2. Cursively Yours,*

          Your cursive G looks like it went to school with your cursive A. So it looks interesting enough to me (big fan of consistent styles).

    6. Bibliovore*

      okay, I officially have a problem.
      I think I might need a twelve step program.
      I have been buying “Ask A Manager” compulsively.
      I was on the phone being interviewed by a grad student and her final question was “Do you have any advice for someone going into this profession?” hah. So I told her to get this book.Then I said never mind, give me your address, I will send one.

      I might have to call the publisher and get a special sales discount on a case.

    7. Chaordic One*

      Are you going to be doing any book tours? Or public lectures, followed by book-signing events?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        A bunch of events, mainly this fall, although I’m doing one event in NYC next week. (Apparently bookstore appearances don’t usually sell enough books to be a good use of your time unless you’re a celebrity, so they only have you do them if you really push to do them, which I haven’t! They’re having me focus more on events that target specific audiences.)

        Here’s the NYC event though if anyone’s interested!
        https://www.eventbrite.com/e/big-ideas-night-with-the-dear-abby-of-the-workplace-tickets-45699213578?aff=AlisonGreen

        1. Chaordic One*

          Well this is mildly disappointing. I always think of you as being a celebrity, but I’m kind of biased.

          Since you are already so busy with your regular jobs and your website I can certainly understand that taking on a book tour might be a bit much to add to your plate. I’m sure you’ll let us know about these upcoming events where you’ll be making appearances.

  79. Doctor Reginald Saunders*

    Advice on how to deal with people questioning your life choices?

    I’m a South Asian woman in my early 30s, childless and unmarried by choice. I’m in academia and loving it and am very happy with who I am/what I do. I’m attending a friend’s engagement party next week, and I know there will be judgmental questions and comments from members of my ethnic community.

    Usually, I just tell people (honestly) that I’m content with my life, but they seem to imply that there’s something missing and that I won’t realize that until I have the husband/kid. I really don’t want to get into a whole discussion about my choices.

    What do I say to shut people down or end the conversation?

    1. Turtlewings*

      You might be able to just laugh it off with something like “it takes all sorts! You live the life that’s right for you and so will I. Not everyone is the same, you know.” If anyone really gets huffy about you not having children, it might be worth pointing out that having children you don’t actually want wouldn’t be doing them any favors. “Not everyone’s made to be a mother!” That may let them feel quietly-superior-to-you enough that they leave you alone. :/ Good luck!

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      I try to have a stock phrase with which to reply to advise I have no intention of taking. I’m not good at actually doing it, because I feel rude not engaging. I’m working on the proper balance between remembering I don’t have to accept unsolicited advice and considering the other person’s feelings. My phrase, when I can bring myself to use it, is “I’ll take it under consideration/advisement.”* Perhaps followed up by a subject change: “How about the happy couple,” “the sportsballs team,” “my latest research topic.”

      *No one else needs to know that the length of consideration is exactly as long as it takes to get that sentence out of my mouth, though I know some will suspect.

    3. Nacho*

      White guy here, so I’m not exactly under the same kind of pressure you are, but whenever anybody asks why I’m still single, I just tell them flat out that I’m not looking, and that usually shuts the conversation down. If not, I just say it again a little more curtly, in a tone that doesn’t invite discussion.

    4. Case of the Mondays*

      This might not work for you if your family is the type to try to set you up but a friend of mine who is happily single and not trying to change that, let’s her family think she just can’t find a date. Her mom would argue with her all day long about her lifestyle choices. If she makes it sound like it isn’t a choice and she’s depressed about it, her mom doesn’t bring it up. You can use this tactic without lying if you want. When they bring it up just look away, off into the distance and say, sensitive subject, let’s not talk about it. To you it is sensitive because they are judging. To them it might be sensitive due to a break up or not finding a date. This works with her Irish family that doesn’t ask 100 follow up questions. Yours might see that as an invitation to pry further.

      1. Julia*

        This doesn’t even work on my German mother who used to tell me, out of the blue, that I was being too picky and couldn’t afford to be so picky. I was barely in my twenties then and they had chosen the slim pickings area we lived in, too. (The second I moved out for grad school, I met my husband, go figure.)

        Obviously, OP has to know her family, but in mine, this would just invite further ridicule.

    5. nep*

      I would just change the subject or smile and move on. If you really feel a need to, before changing subject you could say something like, ‘Oh, not looking–loving my life as it is right now.’ But even that isn’t necessary. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s asinine of people to harp on this and make judgmental remarks. Let them imply away, I say; that doesn’t make their opinions true or right.

    6. Thursday Next*

      South Asian with nosy/outspoken family and family friends here. Congratulations on building a life in academia! That is something that, in my South Asian circles at least, counts as a worthy deflection topic on its own merit. Can you talk about that more, or share some funny anecdotes about colorful characters or interesting projects? Genuine enthusiasm for one’s own path tends to shut down criticism.

      Alternatively, you could talk about work at such length that people will disengage from you, since you’re not feeding the Marriage Talk Beast.

      Or:
      Auntie: But when are you getting married?
      You: Auntie, you’re so sweet. INSERT RANDOM ANECDOTE HERE. EXAMPLE: Remember how all the Ganesh ice sculptures at Anjali’s wedding melted so by the end of the evening they looked like little laddoos?

      Uncle: When will it be your turn to marry, Doctor?
      You: Oh, Uncle [said in tone meant to imply, “you are so silly”] Mom told me you just went to PLACE. Did you see FAMOUS THING?

      Or just excuse yourself to get a snack/ask your mom a question/etc. Hopefully the events will be busy enough that there will be plenty of people to talk to superficially.

      1. Robin Sparkles*

        I didn’t know you were S.Asian! These are so great. I am married with kids now so I don’t get that so much as questions about all my other life choices. That is the thing about being South Asian – no boundaries or understanding of what is socially appropriate to ask. But deflecting has always worked for me too. People in most cultures are similar in that everyone wants to talk about themselves!

    7. deesse877*

      I’m whitebread, so I usually get ignored rather than interrogated about my lack of spouse/kids, but I heard of an interesting strategy once. The woman would reply to such queries with something like “it’s God’s will” or “it’s fate,” and that seemed to shut people up good. The questioners are sort of asking “what’s wrong with you?” and her reply conveys both “nothing’s wrong with me,” and “you don’t know everything about how the world works.” Now, I don’t know if that would work for you, but it gave me food for thought.

    8. Thlayli*

      Lots of people say things like “I love kids but I couldn’t eat a whole one”. Or similar.

      Or you can just nod and smile and say nothing.

      Or anywhere between those extremes.

  80. Lcsa99*

    My husband and I moved last year and we are starting to look for new veterinarians for the kitties cause they need to go for their annual sometime in July. We actually aren’t heartbroken about finding a new vet for them cause last year we were disappointed to find out the vet we loved had left the office we usually go to (and we didn’t find out until we got there).

    So we started looking at reviews for the vets near us and … they aren’t great. Most have a mix of really good and really bad reviews, which I guess is average, but what has me concerned is that the one with the best also has ones saying he tends to treat the animals more like a mechanic treats a car than a doctor treats his patient. And we really want someone who cares about the animals.

    However! We found out that the vet we loved is now at an office 25 minutes away from our new place. The unknown vets are 5 – 10 minutes away.

    So we can either do a new doc and hope for the best, or make the cats sit in the car at least twice as long as they would otherwise to get a vet we know is good. What would you do?

    1. fposte*

      Unless your cats suffer way more than most in travel, 25 minutes is nothing. Go to the vet you already like.

    2. Environmental Compliance*

      I have a horse, so my trade-off was a larger travel fee instead of more time in transit for the animal. But I had a similar situation – I had great reviews and a friend used this great vet that would have double the travel fee versus a couple cruddier vets, including one I had already used and wasn’t pleased with. I went with the better vet. I’d personally rather pay the extra $80 per vet visit than not trust the medical opinion of the person who’s supposed to help with my animal’s health. Ends up being better in the long run IMO.

    3. LCL*

      How does the vet treating an animal like a mechanic treats a car manifest itself in the care they deliver? I believe being a vet is evidence they care about the animals they see. A lot of vets don’t have a really great bedside manner with humans.

      If I had to choose a new vet, and I didn’t find a clear favorite, I would pick the one closest to the house because every minute of the drive with a hurt dog has taken a year off my life because of the stress and guilt.

    4. Tris Prior*

      The same thing happened to us – our beloved vet left the practice near us. After a horrible experience with another vet, we switched to previous vet’s practice, even though it was a good 40 minute drive away and we don’t have a car so had to get a zipcar for it each time. Absolutely worth it, to know my cat was being cared for by someone who actually cared about her and was on the same page as us re: when to treat aggressively and when to opt for comfort care.

    5. Enough*

      I would try out the new vet for the annual. Evaluate their manner. Since this is something standard and not an emergency you can compare the two. Then decide.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I was going to say that you should stick with the vet you know and love, as long as the cats won’t be too stressed in the car; however, this is a good idea, too. An annual visit is pretty low stakes unless your cat has a lot of health problems and needs special attention.

    6. VIT (Scotland)*

      Keep in mind that reviews are far more likely to be written by angry clients than anything else, so it’s always worth reading them with a grain of salt. If you love that particular vet and think they’re worth going the extra distance then that may be your best option but I wouldn’t necessarily discredit the other doctors just because someone online didn’t like them – to further what LCL was saying, an owner not liking a vet’s personality doesn’t necessarily say much about their medical skills or the quality of care they’d provide.

      On the other hand, if the reviews are more about how the practice is run (always late, rude reception etc) or they’re things that are really important to you (like how friendly the vet is) then that could be worth factoring in to what the overall experience is like for you because that can be important too.

    7. Oxford Coma*

      I would go to the absolute closest vet because my cats are nonstop puke machines in a car. Our vet is less than two miles away and they still have to hose out the carrier for me at every visit.

      That said, reviews are hard to take at face value. People generally only take the time to leave one if they have a strong opinion either way, and pet owners are among the more strongly opinionated of people to begin with. If you’re seeing a lot of reviews all with that same “he’s a robot” feel to them, I would avoid him. If you’re seeing a general mix of complaints all over the map, I’d give him a shot using a wellness visit that has low stakes.

    8. TL -*

      What people want from a medical professional varies, but for me bedside manner isn’t nearly as important as being competent and skilled – so as long as the vet listens to symptoms, asks and answers appropriate questions, and treats correctly, I wouldn’t care if they scratched her ears and called her fluffikins or only touched her when examining her and pretended she didn’t exist otherwise.

      Obviously if someone is a butthead or makes me feel stupid for asking questions, then I wouldn’t go back, but in my view, it’s a nurse/vet tech’s job to care and make the patient comfortable and a dr/vet’s job to diagnose, answer questions, and treat.

      The question I have is: With a 25 minute drive, would you be more likely to put off going for something small because it’s a longer distance vs. a 5-10 minute “pop in” after work?

    9. Amadeo*

      OK, here’s the thing about the online reviews: I’ve been a vet tech, and while I mean this in the best possible way, I still mean it – a not insignificant amount of pet owners are nuts. I mean, they’re nuts in various ways, but they are often the kind of nuts who bring Fluffy in because she happened to sneeze once and why aren’t you going to give her a shot? I’m leaving a review about you! I’ve seen enough of that mess to know that I’m better off making my own judgment calls regarding any new clinic.

      Definitely take online reviews with a grain of salt. If you want to try a new clinic, call them up and ask if you can have a ‘get to know you’ visit during a not busy time. Think of a list of questions you’d like to ask and be prepared to at least pay an office visit fee, just in case.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m a pet owner and I agree about pet owners being nuts sometimes. It seems many times those are the ones leaving bad reviews. I’ve definitely seen it in action. While I was waiting to check my cat in for a dental, the tech at the desk took a call and the caller kept her on the phone for 15 minutes because her cat was sneezing and she thought it was life or death, was extremely worried that she would die, etc. This is even after the tech asked all sorts of questions to determine if it really was serious and might be something to bring her in for, and then explained that it’s very likely a little cold and to watch her for a couple days. She told me the woman started yelling at her that the tech didn’t care, she would never bring her cat there again, etc.

        I have 11 cats so I really need to triage the vet visits. If the cat is in obvious pain, or develops a new issue that doesn’t go away in a few days, then it’s time for a visit. Cat sneezes? Nope. I wait it out, because they probably just have a little kitty cold. And obviously I do bring them in if it’s not improving.

        1. Amadeo*

          Exactly. I can’t even recall all the phone conversations where I either tried to assess whether we needed to squeeze them in for a same-day (or even an emergency, bring them right now) appointment or if they could just keep an eye on it or schedule for an appointment in a day or two. Not to mention the ones where someone had an ill animal and either couldn’t or didn’t want to (a lot of truly hard up people never complained about clinic fees and scraped up everything they could, there were a few I desperately wanted to help, but I was scraping by myself) pay just the exam fee of about $35 and decided to berate me on the phone about how heartless we were. I think if online reviews were a big thing in 2005 we would have gotten a nasty one from that guy.

  81. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So I have lost about 25 pounds since December, but I still do weird/unhealthy food stuff at times though it’s improving (eating the entire whatever, or not eating much during the day and the rest of my allotment mostly at night- this makes me irascible).

    I talked it over with wife, who usually doesn’t talk about food with me since I tend to read comments on my eating as shaming and was food policed as a kid. Figured out we can discuss it as long as we stick to planning, not moralizing or shaming.

    So, it sounds anal, and it is, but we sat down and planned all our dinners and my lunches for next week, then shopped for just those things. Also going to the farmers market for just our veggies tomorrow. I also know exactly what I will eat for breakfast- I can choose between three kinds of yogurt.

    I feel this will be really helpful, because I won’t feel I have to “save” my day’s calories for a possible large or unknown dinner- planning what to eat is hard with incomplete information.

    Tonight: chicken tacos.
    Sunday: Tortellini with asparagus, open choice for lunch.
    Monday: Salad for lunch (feta and cranberries with a mini wheel of other cheese too, and possibly berries), chicken and baked fries for dinner.
    Tuesday: Steak and veggie stir fry for dinner, flatbread wrap with turkey, cheese, and lettuce for lunch.
    Wednesday: Frozen Pizza, same lunch as Monday.
    Thursday: Pasta with ground turkey, same lunch as Tuesday.
    Friday: Buy lunch at office cafeteria, leftovers for dinner.
    Saturday: Cheat day.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Thanks! My wife cooks well- the simple dishes are the ones I make. Don’t need to be a chef to heat or boil things!

        Snacks are planned-ish too. I have dried pineapple, veggie “chips”, string cheese, oranges, pears, and knockoff Belvita biscuits. Lots of choice is important to me, but all those options are healthy.

      2. Thlayli*

        Agree – that’s not anal at all. I’ve been doing that for years. Otherwise you just end up with a load of unusable food coz you don’t have all the ingredients to make a meal and/or you run out of food during the week and have to go shopping again.

        I already shop with a list, and I plan meals the night before and make the list. That’s a normal healthy thing to do

    2. LadyKelvin*

      We do this every week! It really helps cut down on “craving” eating, which is what I do when I get hungry and have no plans for dinner. Also it makes the week go much more smoothly because we can defrost meat, prep veggies, etc. ahead of time and save some time for cooking.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Yep, we do this every week! I’m a big fan of meal planning for lots of reasons, and this is one of them!

    5. Clever Name*

      Meal planning for the week isn’t anal! I think I think it’s basic adulting. I’m in a meal planning rut I mean trying to get out of.

  82. Tris Prior*

    We’ll probably be in the market to adopt a new kitty or two soon, having lost our elderly lady kitty a couple months ago. Cat owners, do you have strong preferences on males vs. females?

    I was leaning toward females just because nearly everyone I know, myself included, who’s had a male cat has had to deal with constant peeing problems – infections, blockages, etc. One friend’s cat was so bad off, they actually surgically removed his boy parts and I guess rerouted things somehow so now he’s an innie and not an outie? And he STILL cannot pee properly!

    I realize that either gender of cat can get catastrophic health problems at any time, but also don’t want to borrow trouble. My boy cat had to be rushed to the kitty ER numerous times for being blocked, usually at the most inconvenient time possible (Christmas Day, right before a trip, middle of the night). Meanwhile, one of my girls only had this once, and the other girl not at all in her entire life.

    (Who am I kidding…. at some point I’m going to fall in love with a specific shelter kitteh or two and won’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl, haha.)

    1. Lcsa99*

      Growing up I mostly had girl cats, so when it was time to adopt I always assumed I would go for a girl. But we ended up going to the shelter twice, and twice adopting sweet boys. I honestly think it’s better to just go and let a kitty pick you, rather than having something particular in mind.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve always had mostly males, but I didn’t plan it that way. I’ve found that gender doesn’t seem to play a part in peeing problems; however, it’s more obvious with boys since they can get blocked more easily. That said, I find that feeding them a diet for urinary tract health can prevent a lot of that. Obviously there will be special cases–one of mine needs the prescription urinary diet.

      As for other peeing problems, like spraying, that’s territorial, or stress-related, and can happen to either gender. I had a female that would basically have a spraying contest with the male because she was stressed about moving (even after three years!) and he was territorial. Same with peeing on things. One of my females is doing it right now and it’s because a few of the cats bully her.

    3. Oxford Coma*

      I’ve had nothing but behavioral trouble with male cats. All of mine have been territorial little bullies with spraying issues. My females have been much kinder to us and to each other. It’s anecdata, sure, but it will definitely drive my future adoption decisions.

    4. Gatomon*

      I’ve only had 1 cat, a boy, but no peeing problems so far in 4 years. Worst thing he does is lift his butt as he goes for maximum litterbox coverage, which used to spill over the edge of the box. He has a lot of extra belly skin that hits the ground when he squats, so I assume it’s because he doesn’t want pee on it. I switched to using a large storage tote so he can’t get over the sides.

      He’s a pretty healthy boy. He had a cold once, which was GROSS, but otherwise has done well.

  83. Aurora Leigh*

    I’m thinking about getting an IRA, but I have no idea how to actually do that.

    I’m a good saver and at 27, I know I should be saving for retirement now. All the advice online talks about compnay 401ks, and my compnay does offer one, I’m not crazy about it — there’s no match (apparently all the money goes into one pot and then the profits are divided evenly . . . I dont think HR really understands it either) and I won’t be vested till I work 5 years for the company. I’m not sure they’ll stay in business that long.

    So what are DIY retirement options? I know just throwing money in my savings account doesn’t do a lot to grow it, but I really appreciate the safety of knowing it’s there and easily accessible if something happened.

    2. Nerdgal*

      Easy to open at Vanguard. Charles Schwab is another option. Both have very low fees. Just call them and they will help you. They should have model portfolios for you to choose from but you could also just go with just a total stock market index fund.

    3. Sparrow*

      Here’s a good intro to Roth versus traditional IRAs. It’s a bit old so you’ll want to check on the details, but it was very helpful to me when I was setting up my Roth IRA a few years ago. I believe you want to start with a Roth IRA if you qualify, and then if you want to save more than that you would use a traditional IRA. I opened my Roth IRA at Vanguard and it was very easy.
      https://www.thebillfold.com/2012/03/what-you-need-to-know-about-traditional-and-roth-iras/

    4. Managing to get by*

      Are you sure there’s no match at work? My understanding is that employee retirement contributions vest immediately and the vesting schedule only applies to employer contributions.

      Most banks can set up an IRA, or you can engage an investment planning firm. There are limitations to how much you can put in an IRA each year and I believe those limitations also depend on whether you also have an employer sponsored plan available.

      Maybe make an appointment at your bank at least to get info, and check out the IRS publications on their website.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, your own contributions are immediately vested. Might be worth checking out the details of this plan a little further, but in the meantime just do an IRA.

    5. Mom5*

      Good for you!
      An IRA is super easy. Use one of the big mutual funds – Vanguard or Fidelity. We have money at both places. I just set up an IRA for a college kid. You can do it electronically. At your age- pick an aggressive stock fund that’s got a good rate of return for the past 5 or 10 years. You can also set up to invest $100 every month. But they will send you a coupon & you can put money in each month with a check when you do your bills.

      FYI – *when* the market does a correction, just be prepared. Keep investing. If it bothers you, don’t open your statements. As my mother said during the 2000 downturn – “this is the buy low part”. Stock market wisdom: Buy low and sell high. You’ll be fine in a good mutual fund, because it’s diversified.

      401K – Absolutely go sign up for this!!! A match would be great but you can put a TON more money in a 401K than an IRA (I think it’s somewhere around $3500 for IRA, and $15,000 for 401K). If you leave before the match kicks in, so what? You’ve saved money and not had to pay income taxes on it. Really look at funds at solid companies like the two above. Keep an eye on the expenses for the fund.

      Go For It!!

      1. fposte*

        To clarify, prior return means nothing. There’s a reason companies are legally required to tell you it doesn’t predict future results :-). More aggressive = strong chance of bigger losses as well as bigger gains. Now, if you have a high risk tolerance, it makes sense to have a higher percentage in stocks in your young years, because you have time to recover from downturns–and there will be downturns. But if your risk tolerance isn’t as high–if losses and downturns will freak you out–you don’t want to go 100% stocks, because then you’ll pull it out or mess around with it rather than leaving it the hell alone. (Also, over the long term, a mixed portfolio of stocks and bonds tends to outperform 100% stocks.)

        Even if you want to be aggressive, an index fund, whether 100% stocks or a blended fund like a target date fund, is going to be your best bet, because you’re not gambling on a manager’s skill and paying more for the pleasure.

    7. Laura H*

      Also consider your initial investment, frequency of tossing money in, and how much in each toss.

      That’ll help with um…. affordability/ feasibility.

      I do $60/ month and my Initial investment was $350.(just shy of 6 mos worth) And I’ve been fortunate to be able to keep at that rate, your milage and factors may vary of course.

      Talk with the investment rep and listen to their recommendations- they do this stuff for a living and presumably they do it well.

      Good luck!

      1. fposte*

        Listen to the investment rep but check the expense ratios yourself :-). While Vanguard and Schwab aren’t too prone to steering people to higher-priced funds, it’s pretty common in the industry, especially once you move away from Vanguard/Schwab/Fidelity.

        1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

          Yes. Expense ratios make a HUGE difference. Something like a 1% fee doesn’t *sound* big, but it adds up in a major way over time and you can get so, so much more bang for your buck by finding something lower.

          For comparison, my 401k has a 0.03% fee, and my own personal investments have a 0.14% fee currently, but that will drop to 0.04% once I muck with a few things.

          I don’t have any handy, but there are some basic calculators online that can show you how much growth you’re missing out on at various fee levels. It’s… eye-opening.

    8. Rick Tq*

      Get in the Company plan NOW!!! 401(k) plan limits are far higher than Roth or Traditional IRAs so you can save money faster and compound interest is your friend.

      Don’t worry about the company being around in 5 years, your money will be held by a 3rd party, and vesting only applies to the company match. If you have tiered vesting you will keep some of their contribution even if they close their doors in 3 years.

  84. Aurora Leigh*

    I’m thinking about getting an IRA, but I have no idea how to actually do that.

    I’m a good saver and at 27, I know I should be saving for retirement now. All the advice online talks about company 401ks, and my company does offer one, I’m not crazy about it — there’s no match (apparently all the money goes into one pot and then the profits are divided evenly . . . I dont think HR really understands it either) and I won’t be vested till I work 5 years for the company. I’m not sure they’ll stay in business that long.

    So what are DIY retirement options? I know just throwing money in my savings account doesn’t do a lot to grow it, but I really appreciate the safety of knowing it’s there and easily accessible if something happened.

    1. CAA*

      First, find out more about your 401K before you rule it out. Some things you’re saying don’t quite make sense, so get the plan documents, which your HR or Benefits Specialist will have, even if they don’t understand them, and take the time to read them. The plan should have some investment options with information on their historical return. Even if you don’t stay there five years, everything you yourself put into the plan is guaranteed to be vested; meaning that you can take it plus any earnings or minus any losses with you when you leave the company. At your age, you could put your money into a target date fund for 2055, which is divided into various buckets and managed by the investment company, so you don’t really have to make any decisions about how much to have in which stock fund.

      It may be that your company match is some kind of profit sharing plan, and you might not be fully vested in that for 5 years, but I bet you are vested by percentage earlier than that. Usually it’s something like 25% after 2 years, 50% after 3 years, 75% at 4 years, then 100% at 5 years. It varies though, so get the actual plan documents and look at them. Once you know more, you can make some decisions.

      This is really generic advice since I don’t know how much you earn or how much you’re able to save, but here’s a basic order for funding retirement accounts. Do as many of the following steps in order as you can, depending on your income and earnings.
      1) Save enough in your 401K to get the full employer match.
      2) Save as much in a deductible IRA as you can – up to $5500 – if none is deductible because you earn too much, skip this step
      3) Add to the 401K until your total contribution is $18,500
      4) Put as much as you can in a Roth IRA – up to $5500

      You can find out a lot about IRAs and Roth IRAs by googling for those terms. You can open an IRA and/or Roth IRA at Vanguard online with a $1000 deposit. Their fees are very low and they have target date funds to invest in, so again, you don’t really have to do any thinking about how your money is divided into different investments. Your bank or credit union can probably also help you, though their fees may be higher.

    2. fposte*

      Agreeing with CAA, and also encouraging you not to overthink it :-). As long as you choose one of the basic options, doing something matters more than what the something is that you do.

      If you’re really focused on accessibility, a Roth IRA offers the option of penalty-free withdrawal of your contributions (not of the growth, just of the contributions) whenever you want. You can’t replace what you withdraw, so it’s not great for retirement to withdraw, but that’s a possibility that can help with the money FOMO.

  85. The Other Dawn*

    Why is shopping for underwear so difficult and frustrating?? Sorry, but it just needs to be asked.

    I figured that when I lost weight, underwear shopping would be a breeze. Nope. Same brand in the same style with different material requires two different sizes. Two different brands, same style, and I need a different size. And when I actually find the right size, they still slide down! I have yet to find underwear, other than briefs, that don’t slide down my hips. (Although, I have the same issue with pants and jeans sliding down so maybe it’s my shape–there’s only a few inches difference from the waist to the hips.)

    (Can you tell I just got back from underwear shopping?)

    1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      I feel the same! Small loss, relatively, but now my underwear are sliding…I need to buy more boxers. Not just for gender reasons but because they stay in place more!

    2. Close Bracket*

      > Same brand in the same style with different material requires two different sizes.

      Hate that. HATE IT. My strategy these days is to buy a pair to try out the style and then more in different colors if I like it.I hate when some of them end up not fitting correctly. I particularly hate when the first one I bought is the only one I like. And I tend to buy online, which yes, you can return them, but then you have wasted a lot of money in shipping. So annoying.
      My new strategy should be to buy more in the exact same color/fabric as the one I like. But I like being able to tell different pairs of underpants apart

    3. Aphrodite*

      I stick with Jockeys for Women and find they work very well even when I need a smaller or larger size.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I bought Jockeys for Women and found that I really like them. So comfy and it seems like they will stay in place. (I always joke that I need suspenders for my pants and my underwear!) My niece recommended them awhile back. It was annoying, though, that I had to buy a 7 in one fabric and an 8 in the other, and both are hipsters. But I’m glad I found something. I was wearing the Hanes tagless hipsters, but I’m having a hard time finding white and beige, which I wear a lot more of in the summer due to white capris.

      2. Woodswoman*

        Ditto on Jockeys for Women. Once I found the size and style that’s comfortable, I bought a whole mess of them. And unlike some companies, they actually keep their same products around rather than discontinuing them. When the old underwear eventually wears out, I’ve never had a problem purchasing the same product again over many years.

  86. Circus peanuts*

    I had a great Facebook experience this week. An old school friend posted some photos from the 70’s when my group was young. She tagged and shared with the people she was friends with. I shared that photo on my page and tagged people as well. It turns out that we all made some new connections with old friends. And one of my friends had lost all her childhood photos and now has a few now. So if anyone has any group photos that they think about sharing, great things could happen if you share them with the other people in the shots.

  87. Little Paws*

    Any suggestions on plus size online apparel retailers for women? I currently shop online at:

    Roamans/Women Within
    Lane Bryant

    But I’m looking for other options for less expensive items like everyday basic tees, tank tops, yoga/stretchy pants, etc. My coworkers suggested Wal Mart and Target for basic tees and such. Do any of you buy clothing basics/essentials from Walmart and Target? How’s the quality for the price? I’d like to buy a bunch of basic plain tees and tanks in various colors to throw on under my button down shirts etc. Thoughts? I’m in Massachusetts so WalMarts and Targets are aplenty. I have 2 Target stores in the town where I live. But I’m also interested in online retailers as well.

    Thank you kindly! :)

    1. nep*

      Have you ever tried thredUP? A good selection on there. Most of the things I’ve bought on thredUP have been new with tags, at a huge discount.

    2. Temperance*

      I prefer Old Navy for basics. Walmart’s quality is generally pretty terrible. Target is much better, but I think Old Navy is a good medium, especially when it comes to workout clothes.

    3. KayEss*

      I get basic tees from Land’s End. They’re not super cheap like Walmart might be, but they’re very good quality–I wear each of mine at least weekly and they’ve lasted years without any deterioration. They also have sales for buying multiples pretty frequently. I also LOVE their Starfish pants for stretchy sleep/lounge pants. They’re more on the pricey side, but again, I wear mine basically non-stop and they last years.

      (Note: I’m plus-sized but my bust is on the smaller side, YMMV on whether their stuff works for you if you’re more of a busty shape.)

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Do you have Kohl’s in your part of MA? I see there are plenty on the eastern side of the state. I just recently started shopping there and they have their Sonoma Everyday tees for around $8.00 each for plus size and around $7.00 for misses. They have a ton of colors and patterns. At one point they had them for $5.00 so I grabbed like 10 of them! They’re very soft and wear pretty good.

      2. Little Paws*

        Nice!! I’m about 15 minutes East of Worcester, so I think there’s at least 1 or 2 Kohls nearby! I have never shopped there actually, so I will check it out! :)

    5. Red Reader*

      I’m not plus sized, but my experience with Target’s basic v-neck and crew-neck solid-colored tees is quite positive.

      1. Little Paws*

        I didn’t know they were still around! I think I remember torrid from 2003-2005ish and they sold Hot Topic-esque goth punk stuff? Maybe it was another company though! I’ll google Torrid & check em out. Thank you :)

        1. Rogue*

          No, no, that’s the right company! Lol it’s since been revamped and now carries pretty cute *normal* plus sized clothing. They usually have a big clearance section in store and online, and last time I was there, it was buy 1 get 2 free. They do similar sales online too.

    8. periwinkle*

      I like Target’s basic tees from their Ava & Viv line and will try out their new Universal Thread line soon. Quality is average but when you factor in the low prices and frequent sales, it’s definitely a buy.

      Sometimes spending more is worth it. I haven’t bought any tees from Lands’ End in at least 5 years and yet am still regularly wearing Lands’ End tees. Now that they’re free from their Sears penny-pinching overlords I’ll have to shop there again. The clothes are still available in larger Sears stores if you want to try & buy from a brick & mortar.

      My current favorite for plus-size tops is L.L. Bean. Like Lands’ End, it’s a higher up-front cost but you’ll be wearing the tee for years. Their pima cotton tees/tops have substance and aren’t clingy or baggy. I’ve had no luck with their jeans or khakis, though (I’m a Talbots loyalist).

      Also echoing the suggestion for Just My Size for tees and other casual wear. The onehanesplace website is the place to find all the Hanes brands and is the only place I can consistently find a great selection of their plus-sized stuff (Champion as well as JMS).

    9. Free Meerkats*

      In a group on FB, a plus size friend recommended sockdreams.com for socks and tights. She says the nice thing is that they tell you the maximum stretch of the items. I don’t know how the prices are.

      1. Sylvan*

        I love sockdreams.com. The prices start around $5. They use models with different heights and weights, and they have VERY detailed fit and sizing information.

    10. Viva*

      For basic tees/tanks JCPenney is my go to. They have a ton of colors and there is almost always a sale. I also like their dresses a lot. Sizes go up to I believe 5X in some styles and I would say everything fits true to size. Maurices has some nice tanks too, including a high neck option that I really love. They also have very soft leggings. Sizes go to 3X/4X and I would say the tops run true to size or a little large due to stretching (IME their non-leggings bottoms run a tad small).

      I do like some of Walmart’s loungewear and pajama options but I don’t recommend anything else from them. In my experience anything with stretch will run extremely large. (For example, I typically wear a size 26W but in their stretchy pajamas I wear a 2X which is supposed to be an 18/20.)

    11. Matilda the Hun*

      Oh, this is my JAM.

      Okay, so: Torrid, City Chic (citychiconline dot com for the US store), Eloquii (which now has a Draper James by Reese Witherspoon line!), Catherine’s, IGIGI, Ashley Stewart, and Fashion To Figure are all plus-only stores. (Hot Topic also carries plus- some of it is very Hot Topic unique, but they also have a lot of fun licensed character merchandise, if that’s your weekend vibe!)

      If you’re on the lower end of the plus spectrum, Debs, Rue 21, HM, and Forever 21 all have plus lines- sometimes in-store, sometimes online only.

      Old Navy and JCPenney have good plus basics! Macy’s is hit or miss- I like their Calvin Klein and American Rag lines (totally different vibes), but some of the other stuff can be pretty blergh. Dillard’s carries a good selection, and their quarterly sales can net some amazing things. Nordstrom has great stuff, and Nordstrom Rack can have some good deals if you commit to regular visits.

    12. Middle Name Jane*

      I’m plus size. Lane Bryant is my go-to for jeans and pants, but I’ve had less luck finding tops there lately. It really just depends. A few years ago, I was buying virtually all my clothes there and then they stopped making shirts I liked.

      I also buy clothes at Belk’s, and I’ve bought a few tops at Kohl’s, but the Kohl’s in my town has a very small selection of plus sized clothes. In fact, I had to ask where the plus sizes were and it turned out to be only a few racks. The mystery is that several of my coworkers (also plus size) rave about Kohl’s. I don’t get it, personally.

      I’ve also had good luck buying online from Jessica London, though I prefer to go to a physical store so I can try things on first.

      Several people I know love Torrid, but I don’t. I’ve seen their catalog and looked at their website, and the styles just aren’t my taste. But check them out–maybe you’ll like their stuff.

      Dillard’s is another good option, but I just looked at their website and they don’t have any stores in New England. You could always buy online, though.

      Where I get most frustrated is that I can’t consistently find good clothes at any one particular store. I’ll shop somewhere for a while, their quality/styles start to suck, and then I have to move on. Ten years ago, I worshiped Macy’s plus size department. Then all their clothes started looking like something you’d see on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey or Mob Wives. Then it was Lane Bryant. I still love their pants and jeans because they’re the only ones that fit me, but I don’t love their tops anymore. Then it was Belk’s, but now I struggle to find something there that’s appropriate/appealing. At my local store, their plus size clothing now tends to lean between Hooker or Grandma. Neither is a look I’m going for. A few months ago when I needed clothes, I tried Dillard’s and hit the jackpot. I don’t know if women who wear regular sizes struggle with this as well, but I just get so frustrated by shopping and seeing what clothing designers/store buyers think women will or should wear. I’m 39. I’m young enough that I don’t want to look matronly, yet old enough that I don’t want to look tacky. Where is the happy medium?

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      Not sure how they are for basics, but Modcloth has super cute clothes in a big range of sizes (xs to 4x in a lot of styles). And their customer service is really great.

    14. Colastrawberry*

      Asos have a plus-size line called Asos Curve, & they also stock a lot of other brands so you can look for plus-size basics. And they do free returns, which is handy!

    15. Sami*

      Amazon, believe it or not! The brand is called Daily Ritual. I got three shirts for about $40.

  88. Nonnymoose*

    Anyone an expert on massages? I got a massage today for an early Mother’s Day treat (yay). She did something that really hurt and I don’t know how to describe it…like tracing her thumb along my tendons really hard? She did it all over, legs, arms, and shoulders. It hurt the worst on my arms. Why do masseuses do this? Should I be stretching more or something? I remember this from past massages many years ago too, but I get them so rarely that I forgot about it. Thanks internet :)

    1. Lcsa99*

      Not a massage expert but that sounds a little like what my physical therapist does for my feet, only she uses what I can only describe as a stainless steel bar. It’s called the graston technique and it’s supposed to break down any scar tissue and get the blood flowing to promote healing. It’s usually pretty tender the next day, but better after that.

      But I can’t imagine someone going for a massage getting a treatment that’s intended as therapy. Did you mention that you were having pain there?

    2. The New Wanderer*

      Not an expert, but I’ve learned to tell the massage therapist that I prefer a light touch, and that I know I have knots in my shoulder area but only gentle pressure as I tense up like mad if they press hard. Otherwise, it seems like they will dig and dig to get the area to unclench and it has the opposite effect on me.

  89. Book Lover*

    What is a typical feeding schedule for a 4 month old kitten? We have one on ‘loan’ to see how she does with us :)

    She has been doing wet/wet/ dry, which I assume means I should multiply the usual daily wet by 2/3 and usual daily dry by 1/3, but I am wondering what time she should be fed.
    Easiest for us would actually be wet, then dry in a puzzle feeder during the day, then wet at night, but we can be flexible.

    1. Book Lover*

      Oh, and how long might she prefer to stay in one room before going all over? It is a very big house. I guess it depends? But not sure what cues to watch for.

    2. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      I foster kittens! Under a year old, let them eat as they please, however much.

      My current babies are 10 month old siblings. They eat 3x/day- morning, evening and either over lunch or before human bedtime. Last time I had a four month old, he ate morning, lunch, right after work, and before bed. Treats if still hungry.

      1. Book Lover*

        Is it ok to feed wet food (as much as she wants) morning and night and leave dry available during the day?

  90. Phoenix Programmer*

    I am pregnant!!!!!! Finally after two years of trying! We are so happy we can barely contain it!

    Now for the tmi but please help me if you have had this struggle bit.

    Constipation man. What can I do? I am drinking around 10 cups of water a day but still having painful BMs. Getting 2-3 servings of whole wheat a day and of course lots of leafy greens. Other ideas?

    1. Paula, with Two Kids*

      Magnesium pills at night help counter the iron pills plus keep charlie horses at bay. Not the laxative sort, just a regular supplement (I like magnesium malate).

      Congratulations!!!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Organic apple juice NOT from concentrate. I fill the glass half with juice and half water. The bottle of juice lasts longer and full strength is not necessary to get the job done.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      A pharmacist once told me that raspberries are a little known helper food for constipation. Then there are all the “p” foods you’ll learn about soon when you’re feeding solids to your little one: peaches, pears, & prunes. Raisins are also good. Flax and chia can be helpful. And the powdered fiber is pretty drinkable too.

    9. SAHM*

      Apple cider vinegar. I usually do two bags of tea (peach) steeped in one cup, then pour into a mason jar, throw in a TBS of ACV, a tsp of stevia blend, and maybe some cherry or lemon or lime extract. Shake jar, add ice and water to top. Enjoy. They’re called Good Girl Moonshine and you can find a lot of variations on Pinterest.
      Or you can do what my neighbor does and do a shot of ACV. Whatever floats your boat.

    10. Thlayli*

      Congratulations! If you are taking iron that can cause constipation. You could ask the pharmacist for a pregnancy vitamin that doesn’t contain iron.

    12. Traveling Teacher*

      Cut bananas? They do a number on my kid’s system.

      Oatmeal! I ate some every morning while pregnant, really helped a lot.

      Also, prunes are great, but dried apricots can get things moving too.

      And, congratulations!!!

    13. Erin*

      Congratulations!!! For constipation, drink prune juice. If you can’t tolerate the taste, do 50/50 with OJ. It was the only thing that really worked for me.

    14. Amy*

      Miralax!!!! It got me through my pregnancy. I shudder to think how I would have felt without it. My doctor told me it’s pretty much the only laxative/stool softener that’s safe during pregnancy. It’s osmotic (passively draws water into the stool) as opposed to a drug that stimulates smooth muscle contractions to move things along. The latter type is not safe during pregnancy because there’s a chance it could induce uterine contractions.

      Congratulations! Enjoy your pregnancy!

  91. AlligatorSky*

    AAAAnd I’m back again. Has anyone here met anyone famous? My favourite encounter has to be either shaking Michael’s Cera’s hand and making him laugh back in 2015, or meeting Georgie Henley aka Lucy from the Narnia films in March, and getting to hang out with her at her show’s afterparty!

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I went to a Kevin Smith (the director) autograph signing and got my picture taken on his lap. I also met a whole bunch of the other View Askewniverse people at a con in NJ back in 2000.

      And I met Dana Ashbrook (from Twin Peaks) a couple of years ago when he did a talk back for my sister & BIL’s theater company.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Kevin Smith came to Edinburgh a couple of years ago. Guess which moron forgot to buy tickets?! :(

        I LOVE Twin Peaks. I. Am. Jealous.

      2. AlligatorSky*

        I replied to this but my comment seems to have disappeared, so I’ll try again.

        I’m SO jealous you met Kevin Smith. He’s one of my heroes. He came to Edinburgh a couple of years back (possibly with Jason Mewes… I can’t remember), and me being me, forgot to buy tickets. Still kicking myself to this day.

        Also, damn; I LOVE Twin Peaks!!

    2. nep*

      Those sound like great encounters.
      A few times meeting and chatting with Vieux Farka Toure (the artist for whom I have taken and would always take long road trips).
      Spontaneous backstage chat with Sophie Hunger. She invited my brother and me back after a performance. (LOVE her.)
      Brief greeting/handshake with Baaba Maal.
      Spent a few hours in the same room with Angelina Jolie. Didn’t formally meet her, though; just a nod/smile exchange.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        That’s so cool! I love having cool encounters to boast about. Damn jealous that you can boast about nodding and smiling at Angelina Jolie! I saw Brad Pitt in person when he was filming World War Z in Glasgow. Made eye contact with him for about 00000.1 seconds. Was 7 years ago and I still think about it often.

        1. nep*

          I have to say–it’s overstating it to say a ‘nod/smile exchange.’ It was a somber affair, and at one point we walked past each other and made eye contact and of course there’s that gesture of acknowledgement, edges of mouth turned up but not a huge ‘HI!’ sort of smile. Ridiculous to go into all that, but just wanted to qualify. (She’s even more stunning in person.)

    3. Lcsa99*

      I’ve been to a couple horror film festivals, so I’ve actually met a few! I met Tony Todd and got my picture taken with him (he’s so freaking tall! But seemed like a nice guy). I met Bruce Campbell and got his autograph. He was pretty cool.

      The one that got me the most excited was meeting Ricou Browning, who played the Creature From the Black Lagoon in the original film (he was the Creature himself in the scenes in the water, so the best parts) . It was so cool to chat with him and since everyone else was looking at the bigger names he actually had the time.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Horror film festivals are awesome! I’m terrified of horrors, yet I still watch them. It’s the psychological feeling of knowing that something is going to happen, but not knowing *when* it’s going to happen that gets to me.

        I’m insanely jealous. It’s always amazing meeting people you’ve seen in films. It feels so weird for me now watching the Narnia films, knowing I was hanging out with Lucy from them just a little while ago. I actually met her for the first time back in Edinburgh in 2017, and I said hi to her by going “So I became a fan of you when I was 11, when I saw you in a certain movie franchise.” – I was so starstruck I forgot the word Narnia!! Hahahah.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        This is cool! I went to a couple of Fangoria conventions in the early 1990s and met Michael Berryman (he remembered me from one con to the other, mega cool) and Gunnar Hansen, who played Leatherface in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre film. Hansen was a great big sweet teddy bear of a man and he laughed when I told him he’d scared me. I also met Clive Barker at the second one, a Halloween thing in L.A, and my hair was in the crowd on USA’s Up All Night. :)

    4. Caledonia*

      I recently got my photo taken with Joshua and Hrishi from The West Wing Weekly podcast.

      I once served Billy Connolly (Scottish comedian/actor) in a shop.

      I did not personally serve but was behind the counter when the actor who played/plays Karl Kennedy in Aussie soap Neighbours collected a book.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Ahhh, being Scottish myself, I love your username and Billy Connolly.

        That’s pretty damn cool, I’m guilty of occasionally watching Neighbours when I can’t find anything else to watch. “Neighbours become gooood friendsssss” has been stuck in my head for as long as I can remember.

        Caledonia is one of my favourite songs. I’ve always wanted it to be played at my funeral. Which cover though, I’ve still to decide.

    5. HannahS*

      No, but I’ve heard from someone who worked on Crimson Peak with Guillermo del Toro that he’s genuinely just a lovely teddy-bear of a man.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        LOUD GASP.

        I love him. Doctor Who was my favourite show when he was on it and he freaks the flying cows out of me on Jessica Jones. I love him so much.

    8. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I met Buddy Valastro, the Cake Boss, at one of those Cake Boss Live things. My wife volunteered me to go up on stage for one of the demonstrations and boy, did I make a fool of myself. Buddy didn’t seem to have much patience for my total incompetence but… man, does he make a good cake. We ended up splurging for a Carlo’s Bakery cake for our wedding (nothing expensive enough to be on the show…but holy crap, it was good) and at the consultation we met Mauro, who seemed a lot nicer than Buddy.

    9. Claire (Scotland)*

      I met Terry Pratchett twice, which was amazing! And I go to a lot of cons so I’ve met a lot of the actors from my favourite TV shows over the years (particularly, Firefly, Supernatural, Stargate Atlantis, Doctor Who and Leverage).

      1. AlligatorSky*

        OMG Firefly! “Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… “This Land.”. – Ahhh I love Firefly. Also high 5 for Scotland, I’m in Scotland, woo!

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          A friend of mine met Nathan Fillion — her boyfriend got them tickets to meet him at a con and bf proposed to her in front of him — best engagement pictures ever! Nathan’s facial expressions are priceless as he figures out what’s going on.

          My uncle met Clint Eastwood when they were both staying at the same hotel in Colorado. My uncle is a man that takes early morning walks and so is Eastwood. They passed each other walking around the grounds at like 6 am and Eastwood said “Hello, son.”

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I met actor Ernie Hudson at a sci-fi con locally a few years back. He’s extremely nice and his wife is just lovely also. That’s the only time I did or would pay to have a picture taken. I dislike asking for autographs and the like–I’d rather just chat with people. But I couldn’t pass up a real live Ghostbuster! He’s probably the most famous of anyone I met.

    11. Woodswoman*

      When I was a kid, my teacher introduced me to South African musician and anti-apartheid activist Miriam Makeba (there’s a photo on my blog which is linked in my handle). As an adult, I got to share a stage in a choir with Pete Seeger and had an opportunity to meet artist Andy Goldsworthy. They are all amazing people–lucky me!

    12. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Back in the day (like in the 1990s), I met Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing on Dallas). He was very gracious and charming and really quite good looking. He actually looked taller and more muscular in person than he did on TV.

    13. annakarina1*

      The last famous person I briefly met was Justin Long when I was working at my weekend museum job. He came in and asked about the museum, and I gave info while slowly recognizing him but not trying to show it, and I later saw him take a fan photo with some teen boys. I rarely see celebrities, and I don’t count anyone I saw onstage as part of a Q&A or onstage, just in everyday life.

  92. Anonynonynon*

    Thinking of Valancy Snaith, who suffered a miscarriage last week after IVF. Valancy, I love and “get” your user name, and hope you are hanging in there.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      Ah, thank you, this is so sweet it made me cry a little bit. I’m very much dreading tomorrow and my 30th birthday this week, but I’ll be better eventually.

  93. nep*

    Anyone read the Guardian interview with Michael Pollan–about his experimenting with psychedelic drugs for research/new book? Thoughts?

  94. Oxford Coma*

    I’m starting to feel really guilty for shopping online because our UPS guy is a frail elderly man. I hate seeing him struggle with a big box of cat litter, and since we’re in his “territory” I can’t really do anything about him being the one to deliver. Ugh. I got so spoiled having stuff sent right to the door, but I might just go back to store shopping.

    1. Middle Name Jane*

      I always feel really guilty when I see elderly people working because I worry they’re working out of financial necessity and not because they still want to work, especially in a physically demanding job like package delivery or retail, etc.

      I’ve had retirement accounts since my first job out of college at 22 (all with employer matches), so I’m in a better place financially than a lot of people out there who haven’t been able to save for retirement–but one of my deep, dark fears in life is that I’ll be old and poor.

      1. Tris Prior*

        +1. Last winter we ordered a pizza in the middle of winter, it was below 0 out, and MAN, did I feel terrible when the delivery man (who could not find our building and was wandering up and down the street) turned out to be at least 80 years old. At least with food delivery you’re able to tip, and he got a nice one (which I do anyway when I order food when it’s that bad out). But it really made me think – what are his life circumstances that he needs to do this? I am saving aggressively for retirement, though I got a late start, but I worry that a health disaster or similar can wipe all that out overnight and then I’ll end up like him.:/

        1. Gatomon*

          Well one of my parents is about to become one of these elderly working-poor individuals. The long and short of it is, my parents never saved anything for retirement, didn’t have life insurance, and one of them died suddenly. My surviving parent was left with a mortgage and car note they can’t pay on their income, IRS debt and a job that is highly variable. They were fiscally irresponsible their whole lives, and this is their karma, I suppose.

          My takeaway is to always keep an emergency fund, save for retirement and don’t freaking touch it ever, and live well below your means. If you’re partnered, don’t buy a house or car either of you couldn’t afford solo, or at least make sure you have adequate life insurance. Not only is my parent dealing with the loss of a spouse, but they’re also losing the house and the car.

          @Oxford Coma Keep buying packages and keep this elderly person employed. He’s already at risk of being let go for being elderly in a physically-demanding job, and it’s so hard to find work when you’re older. It sucks that he’s in this situation, but the best thing you can do is try to keep ensuring he has packages to deliver. Maybe order smaller boxes of cat litter if you feel really guilty.

    2. Observer*

      If you don’t shop, someone else will – or he’ll be out of a job.

      There aren’t any really good answers on an individual level. But, overall, I think that doing something that may wind up making it harder for someone to keep his job is probably not the best course of action to help him.

    3. Laura H*

      This is a weird question, but are you thanking him when you can? While it doesn’t do anything for the financial hardship, it certainly helps on the “I’m appreciated” angle of a job- which is also important.

      It’s like there’s:

      1. Financial success
      2. Workplace Happiness
      3. Sense of Fulfillment

      Pick two….

      Ugh.

      But please thank your awesome delivery man!

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I feel the same way! I have a ton of cats so I order my litter through Chewy–four 40-pound bags once a month. Last summer I found out that our driver is an elderly man and I felt terrible. He seems fit and is able to sling the boxes around, but I still can’t help but feel bad that I make him lift all these boxes each month. I happened to be outside one day and I apologized for ordering so much litter. He said that I’m actually the easiest house on the route (for delivering heavy stuff), as many people who order the litter from the same place live in apartments on the third or fourth floor with no elevator access. He said he loves that he can just back the truck up the driveway and only haul the boxes about 30 feet. I feel better now, but it’s still on my mind every time the automatic delivery confirmation comes up in my email. And if we see him pull up when we’re home, either I or my husband will run out to help him.

  95. Melody Pond*

    Ahhhh I’m getting married on Monday! *insert panic emojis here*

    Everything is pretty much done, it’s going to be a small thing. I picked up my dress today, and it’s awesome! As previously mentioned in other weekend threads, we are going to go see Infinity War earlier in the day on Monday, meet up with a judge afterwards, then have a small number of family/friends over for a small reception in our condo building’s community space.

    XD

    1. AlligatorSky*

      Aww, congrats in advance!!

      That is the best way to spend a wedding day IMO. I hope you have an amazing day, and congratulations to you and your other half!

    2. Kuododi*

      Mazel tov my dear!!! May all the blessings of the Holy One be with you both, now until the end of days.

    3. Circus peanuts*

      Best wishes to you both. Your day sounds like it will be absolutely lovely.

    4. Loopy*

      CONGRATS!!!! Have an awesome, special wonderful day!! Enjoy the movie! And the getting married! And the after getting married!

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Mazel Tov and may you and Mr. Pond share many, many years of happiness and health!

  96. MammaRia*

    Waiting to hear if I need to go to work tomorrow (Monday), I’ve already had Friday off. We had major storms in our area on Thursday night, with flash flooding in lots of areas. Suburb where my workplace is was badly affected, with videos of water gushing down corridors inundating offices, photos of rooms with water marks half way up the walls and rubbishy skips full of furniture and electronics. The library had a river flowing through it, with books flowing out onto the near by sports ground. The whole campus has been closed to assess the damage. Luckily no one was injured, although a security guard needed to be rescued as he was trapped in a room with rising water.

    1. Bibliovore*

      oh wow. I am so sorry. Been through a library flood. No matter what anyone says the books are NOT salvageable. And discourage everyone from donating replacement books. When the water goes down, wait and see and assess. This too shall pass.

      1. MammaRia*

        Back at work today, our building was not as badly affected by the storm as others on campus, so we’re business as usual, others not so much, with 3 buildings off limits.

        They have reopened one of our old, decomissioned, building to have the classes from the washed out buildings, no timeframe as yet as to when the flooded areas will be reopened.

  97. Colastrawberry*

    This is more of a vent, just because I know this community has heard a similar, albeit more extreme version of this story: remember the guy who abandoned (he said “ghosted”, ugh) his live-in partner & found out years later she was going to be his boss?

    I’m now being abandoned by my boyfriend of nearly 2 years.

    We’re in a temporary long-distance phase of our relationship, & while it’s a pain, we’ve been managing it well, seeing each other as often as we can. And we were happy. I don’t know what else to say. We were happy. We weren’t fighting, we had a big, 3 country trip planned (not yet paid for) in June, we planned to live together when I could move back, & the last conversation we had (which was mid-April) was me saying I could come see him for a week at the end of April, he literally said “yes please, I love you.” I knew he was leaving for a work trip when we were texting this so asked him to call me later so we could make sure dates were okay – & I never heard from him again.

    He didn’t pick up my calls, wouldn’t return my messages, even when I ended up in hospital for a day (I’m fine but was freaked out & messaged him telling him, asking him to call me.) After he didn’t respond to me being in hospital, I went through a couple of days worrying that he had been in an accident or something before reaching out to one of his friends & hearing he was fine. Had a week of literal chest-pain anxiety wondering if he had just cheated or had I done something wrong, then went back to worrying because he’s a recovered alcoholic & I was scared he was relapsing; then when he still wouldn’t respond to messages & started deleting me from his social media etc I’ve just been stewing in humiliation, basically. He’s just gone.

    I honestly haven’t been bombarding him in millions of messages, nor have I been aggressive or anything, in case anyone’s wondering if I’ve been giving him reasons to stay away. Frankly, because it’s so bizarre that he has just disappeared, I’ve been as generous as possible in my messages to him because it doesn’t strike me as normal or healthy behaviour. I’ve been saying if he’s going through something I’ll support him, even as an ex, or give him space, but to please just let me know what’s going on; that if he just wanted out of the relationship I get that – most relationships don’t work out & that’s just the math of it, but we had a good, loving, adventure-filled relationship that we should acknowledge & respect by just having a chat; & that what he was doing was really messed-up & hurtful but if he wanted to address what was going on, I’d pick up the phone.

    Some friends have asked me if I’m going to travel to see him & just, I dunno, turn up at his house or something, but tbh I don’t see that going well in any scenario. It’s expensive (the cheap deal I was planning to use to visit is up), particularly if I don’t know how long I’m staying, & if he refuses to speak to me I’ll be even more humiliated. And if he does talk to me I won’t be able to trust that he’s talking to me because he wants to or just because I’m there. And going just to give out to him seems like a waste of energy.

    Honestly, at this point there’s nothing he could say to me that could be more hurtful or humiliating than the silence. People cheat, & people leave, & though it would hurt, I’d understand that on some level. But it makes me feel so worthless that he could just disappear without a word, & I have no idea how to process it. We had a big life plan of me moving back to his city & us living together, & while I love that city, it feels tainted now. It doesn’t help that I’m turning 30 this week & suddenly am single without the direction our plan offered.

    I’m trying to process. I sent him a final text a few days ago when he unfollowed me on social media that said I was hurting, but I was also worried, & I hoped he was okay. I’m going to go on the trip that we planned solo, I have a good therapist & I’m venting it out.

    But yeah. It sucks. It’s a hideous, confusing, anxiety-filled, humiliation-causing, sh*tshow of a situation. Don’t do it to anyone. Have the uncomfortable conversation. Because this is so unbelievably horrible.

    1. HannahS*

      Oh my. I’m so sorry. This just sounds like a horrific thing to experience. I’m so sorry. What an awful way to be treated. Good job for taking care of you, because…wow. It must be just shocking.

    2. nep*

      Deeply sorry for your pain. Sending love. Good you’re taking care of yourself.
      Peace

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m so sorry! This is about him and not you. You are worthy of attention and respect and hard conversations. His actions are those of a coward. He is the epitome of all the Shakespearean insults. Take care of yourself. You will get through this.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Wow… I am so sorry you’re going through this, but glad to hear you have a lot of good support.

    5. Ruffingit*

      I am so sorry. This is hard especially because you have no answers and the relationship was going along very well with no hint of this happening.

      I’m sure you already know this, but definitely don’t text him or contact him again. It will only make you feel worse. Don’t visit him. That isn’t worth it either. Too much money and time for an answer you already have – he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Do go on the trip you’d planned solo. That will be a nice getaway for you.

      Sometimes we have to give ourselves closure because we won’t get it from the person we want it from.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. It hurts. It will heal. But right now, it’s an open wound. Tend to it carefully and know you will get through this!

    6. Observer*

      That’s awful. But I think you were wise not to show up on his doorstep.

      Unfortunately, the best thing you can probably do for yourself is to move on. The relationship is over – give yourself time and space to grieve it.

    7. Jacquelyn*

      I’m so sorry, that is horrible. I am impressed by what you have written; your post comes off as level-headed (I certainly would not be under the same circumstances) and you seem to be focusing on self-care! You are right that showing up at his house would not go well, even if it is an understandable impulse to want to do so.

      Take care of yourself! You don’t need answers from his for closure, you make your own closure.

    8. Ron McDon*

      I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s horrible to wonder why someone unilaterally decided to end your relationship, especially when he professed to love you.

      Please don’t contact him any more, and especially do not visit him. I suspect he would refuse to speak to you. You’ve already given him multiple, low stakes, easy ways to let you know what’s going on – through text, email and social media – and he has refused to engage. The idea that he will suddenly be willing to have an in-person conversation is unrealistic, i’m afraid, and will just bring you more pain.

      Sorry if this sounds harsh, that’s not my intention. It’s just that I get the feeling you think there’s some way of approaching him which will finally work in getting him to open up to you, and I don’t think that’s the case.

      It’s a cruel way to end a relationship and you have my sympathy.

      1. Rusty*

        No, you don’t sound harsh, I appreciate it.

        Definitely won’t go visiting, tbh I know it won’t end well & I do still hope to live in that city one day, & I don’t want to ruin the memory of it completely by making it play a role in what would only be a humiliating experience.

        And you’re probably right about me hoping to get him to open up, which is why I’ve been offering him possible excuses & reasons. But I did say in the last text I wouldn’t get in touch again, & I won’t – I actually hadn’t texted for a week before that but him deleting me on Instagram pushed a button. It’s just so goddamn juvenile to not communicate with me at all & to make unfollowing me the one active thing he does, so I texted saying that was ridiculous, but again, if he ever wanted to talk, I’d pick up the phone. But done now.

        Gonna take some time to wallow, it’s just going to be a particularly crap time. And telling people is genuinely mortifying. So thank you all for letting me vent here.

        1. Colastrawberry*

          Sorry, this is me, auto-fill used username of different thing, apologies.

        2. Ron McDon*

          Oh, I completely understand about the embarrassment of telling people.

          When I was about 17 a bf did this to me – we’d only been going out a couple of months, he went away for work for a week, never heard from him again! Obviously I wasn’t as involved or invested as your situation, as we had not been dating that long. But it does make you go back over your last few interactions, trying to remember what was said/what tone was used/any offhand comments that suddenly take on more meaning, anything to try and work out what happened, because you’re not getting any answers. It’s horrible.

          You definitely need to wallow, but please don’t be down on yourself or think it’s something you must have done – you were dating someone that you thought was an adult, until he showed his true self. One day you’ll thank your lucky stars you found out what a jerk he is before you ended up married or having kids with him (if that was an option).

          I hope that if you end up moving to his city it’s large enough that you won’t run into him everywhere. Take care of yourself.

        3. Elizabeth West*

          If it makes you feel any better, this is on HIM, not you. Barring abuse (I don’t think you abused him), this is a ridiculous and immature way to end a relationship of long standing. I can’t imagine anyone giving you side-eye for this and if they do, then f*** them. Anyone who would do this to you is not worth your time or energy.

          *HUG*

    9. Thlayli*

      I know it’s awful at the moment. Just try to hang on to the thought that you’re much better off without someone in your life who could do such and awful thing

    11. Effie, who is wondering*

      Tons and tons of hugs to you if you want them. I’m so sorry.

      You sound incredibly strong and clear-headed for someone who’s been through such a traumatizing experience. Best wishes!

  98. Question*

    How is it some people who comment in the threads on here can insert bold words? I can’t seem to figure it out!

      1. PB*

        Yes. You can also use HTML for underlining and blockquotes. Alison has brief instructions in the commenting guidelines.

  99. Chaordic One*

    I am rather proud of myself for doing a major decluttering of my closet and dressers. I can’t believe I had so many ratty old faded t-shirts (among other things). I had the experience of finding several pieces of clothing that I had completely forgotten about and might wear again some time. There are 2 fairly decent blazers that I bought on sale at Target that would work well for my current “dress casual” work environment.

    I also found a dressy winter overcoat. The coat is made of a gray wool blend (it says 40% virgin wool, 40% reused wool and 20% acrylic). It has a black fake fur collar and lining that is all acyrlic. I’m sure that I must have bought it used in a second-hand store, but I have absolutely no memory of buying it. I’m sure I’ll wear it some time in the future, but now I have to wait for fall and winter again.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I did this recently too, and I found quite a few things I can actually sell. Whyyyyy do I even have or why did I get these things and never wear them?

  100. Patchedup*

    Can we talk sleep? I spent 5 days in the ICU in February and my sleep, which wasn’t winning any awards before, went to total and utter crap. At first I was sleeping six hour naps in the afternoon and then sleeping at night just fine, because I was exhausted. But now that I’m mostly healed (foot surgery that had bad complications) I can’t seem to drop the nap, and I can’t seem to sleep at night.

    I use a CPAP for sleep apnea and it’s consistently telling me I’m getting from under one to under three hours of sleep at night. I’m a ten hour of sleep kind of person and this is not helping me to not nap during the day. I’ll only nap for maybe 40 minutes, but that’s it, the night is shot. And frankly, I’m not sleeping even when I don’t nap.

    I’ve tried melatonin in the past, and while it works, it makes me so dizzy the next day that I can’t stand up. I’m not sure if that was the lowest possible dose, but I’m reluctant to play around with it while recovering from foot/ankle/knee surgery and falling being a really bad idea. I have tried benedryl, but find it very hit or miss. I have to take the full 50 mg for it to have any effect and even then most of the time it doesn’t work, or it leaves me very hungover the next day.

    I don’t drink or consume caffeine. I’m not a sugar addict. I will lie in bed all night long in the dark. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes to podcasts, sometimes silence. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. Occasionally I get up. I do my best sleeping after 7 in the morning, unfortunately.

    Thoughts and suggestions most welcome.

    1. Caledonia*

      What about going to your Dr? Perhaps getting a referal for a sleep clinic as well.

    2. To your point*

      Valerian root may help (it’s in sleepytime extra tea if you can’t take the pills – they smell terrible, as a warning) but I would be wary of trying it given that you have such a reaction to melatonin. They are different but recovering from surgery may not be the best time to test it.

    3. fposte*

      The ICU really screws with people. However, does recovering from leg surgery mean you’re still not able to do much physical activity? That’s probably not helping. (Napping may have been initially contributory, but a 40 minute nap shouldn’t keep you from sleeping all night.) Do you get outside most days? Can you make your room a little cooler at night? The Sleep Foundation has some other tips for sleep routines that you might find useful if you haven’t tried them already.

      Overall, I think a sleep specialist isn’t a bad idea, but I also think that this isn’t that long after you suffered a pretty big health setback, and it takes more patience than anyone wants to really come back from those. This is likely just part of recovery. Good luck.

      1. Dan*

        I could be wrong, but one can’t get a CPAP in the first place without a visit to a sleep specialist, no? Giving those folks a call back would be the first place to start.

        Second, exercise, exercise, exercise.

        Third, there is such a thing called “Delayed Phase Sleep Disorder.” I don’t know what the treatment is.

    4. worth a try*

      My friend with insomnia swears by marijuana, an indica strain. Vape or edible so you don’t have to smoke.

    5. Julia*

      This sounds like a problem for a doctor.

      If you cannot see one right away, have you tried magnesium before bed? Tryptophan also helps some people, but could cause similar sensitives as melatonin in you.

    6. A Non E. Mouse*

      Oh! Oh I might know this one!

      My husband has a strange reaction to pain medicine – it works, the pain stops BUT he’s wired like someone gave him a pot of coffee and a vitamin B shot.

      Are you still taking pain meds at any point during the day?

  101. Ron McDon*

    If it’s falling asleep that’s the problem, I find that listening to a meditation or relaxation recording through headphones helps.

    I recently downloaded an app called ‘virtual gastric band’ which claims to help one lose weight through hypnosis, but I found a side-effect I wasn’t expecting, that I would fall asleep within 10 minutes of listening to the first ‘night time’ hypnosis session! Works like a charm every night – perhaps it might be worth a try?

    Can’t seem to copy a link to it on the App Store, but it’s the easyloss virtual gastric band app.

    Not sure if it’s available in the US (i’m in the UK), but you could research other meditation/sleep apps?

  103. Elkay*

    This is a bit of a brain dump so apologies. The only friend I meet up with has just announced she’s pregnant. I’m thrilled for her but sad because when we meet it’s at a half way point and I can’t see that happening once the baby arrives. I’ve never been any good at keeping friends. I do lots of things (classes, volunteering, exercise) but don’t have any friendships from them. I find myself stuck because building friendships takes time and effort (and has pretty much always resulted in getting ghosted) and I feel like I don’t have time for that at my age. On the other hand I get lonely. I love spending time with my spouse but I worry about relying too much on one person (who does not like to discuss feelings). I know I’m the problem and that makes me feel worse because I don’t know what about me is the problem.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      No advice, but just wanted to say I feel exactly the same way. I’m not a hugger, so I’ll give you an Internet fist bump. :)

      Others around me seem to make friends very easily and I never have been able to do that. The one friend I actually meet up with seems to make them effortlessly. When we go somewhere and happen to meet strangers (like a concert or something), they seem drawn to her even though she acts shy and doesn’t talk much, while I’m the one making conversation. She comes away with a Facebook friend and I get nothing. I will say, though, that I actually don’t do classes and all that, and have no kids, so I’m home 90% of the time. My husband is the same way. I’m not actually putting any effort into making friends, so at this point it’s a situation of my own making.

    2. TL -*

      You can always move to Skyping/meeting at her place/meeting less frequently for a few years instead of giving the friendship up for lost!

      And while some people are not good at long-distance friendships, it’s okay to know that about yourself and still put effort into relationships that are present. They do take time and effort but that’s okay!

      1. Elkay*

        I felt like I was putting effort into my long distance friendships but they all ghosted me.

      2. Elkay*

        Which is to say I sent texts, emails, birthday cards. Suggested meeting up when I was in their area. Invited them to visit me. No responses.

        1. fposte*

          Sometimes it’s about interpreting a desired connection wavelength (some people really don’t want to text or email but just read stuff on Facebook–one of my friendship drifts is basically they use Facebook and I don’t); sometimes it’s about the pool that the friends are coming from, meaning that in your area/cohort or because of the kind of people you befriend your local friends aren’t people who are that up for being LD friends.

          One of my best friends builds friendships with amazing speed, so she’s always tight enough with people to visit them even if they move after a year. That’s not me. I’ll have barely figured out after a year if I really like you enough for lunch. But one important difference between her and me is she *does* take the time for that, and while she loses some people she keeps a ton more; the more people you’re connecting with, the higher the chance that some of them will stick to you, even though some drifting is inevitable.

          I think it’s worth figuring out where the “don’t have time for that” vs. the “having friends to talk to” priorities fall for you, so you can either make peace with “that’s okay, I’d rather be on my own for the moment than spend time making effort I don’t enjoy” or say “I would like to change this, so I need to change the resources I devote to this.”

    3. anonagain*

      I have a (long distance) friend who had a baby a few years ago. She told me that she felt lonely and isolated after her kid was born because none of her friends had families and they sort of stopped inviting her to things.

      So I don’t know, but I think there is a chance that your friend is also worried about drifting apart.

  104. D.W.*

    I restored a very rusty wok! Can’t wait to use it. Carbon steel, roundbottom, 14 in.

  105. Aurora Leigh*

    Tips for blending (pet) families??

    A few weeks ago, I asked you all for advice about moving in with my boyfriend. Well . . . we’re going to do it!!

    I’m so excited!! My lease is up June 30, so I’m planning to be fully moved in then. Landlady wants to show the apt to some people the last week in May, so I want to have the cats transistioned over by then.

    My poor kitties have moved before and Kitty A has moved twice and found it stressful both times. She does not like change. Kitty B is much more laid back.

    When we are living together, there will be 4 pets in a small 2 bedroom house.

    Kitty A is about 3 years old, Kitty B is about 2. Boyfriend’s cat (Kitty C) is about 1. Also, Big Dog is about a year old. All cats are female, dog is male.

    I have been having Big Dog over at my apt for a few hours every week since we adopted him, but my cats still hate him months later. Kitty B hides, and Kitty A becomes very aggressive. He’s a very good, submissive dog and gets along great with Kitty C.

    I have no idea how Kitty C will feel about Kitty A and Kitty B. Kitty C’s initial reaction to my staying over sometimes was to pee on the bed, so . . .

    Any tips for me??

    Thanks in advance!

    1. fposte*

      More high perches and hidey holes than there are cats, and at least as many litterboxes as cats (in places where a random scary cat or dog couldn’t cut off access or egress). Ideally, your cats would be able to start out in a closed room or bathroom that becomes theirs while they get used to the other critters for a week or so, and then get a chance to explore a little further while resident dog & cat are shut away for a bit. Feliway might be good in the mix, too. I’d supervise initial interactions to make sure everybody knows where they can get away if they need to.

    2. KR*

      When I got a large dog, it took my cat about two weeks to not be scared of her (she was fine around my medium sized dog but large dog really frightened her). It also helped I think to show how much large dog was under control. Large dog would try to sniff her or want to say hi and I would pull the dog back or tell her not to, and I think my cat realized soon that large dog would not randomly do anything and I would make sure cat was safe. Good luck!

  106. Aurora Leigh*

    On a related note, tips for telling Mom things she’ll disapprove of? (Moving in with my boyfriend as mentioned up thread.)

    My mom is the type of person who hoped I’d save my first kiss for my wedding day, so she’s not going to be happy I’m moving in with a guy without a ring.

    I’m happy and excited (and we are talking about marriage in the next year or so, but no official proposal yet!!)

    Not going to tell her today, no point in ruining Mother’s Day.

    I’m dreading the aftermath of telling her and just wishing she could be happy for me because I’m so happy . . .

    1. Ron McDon*

      My parents are very traditional/old fashioned in their outlook. My (now) husband and I dated for about 3 years before buying a home together. When I started showing my Mum details of houses we were looking at, she said ‘and when is the wedding going to be?’. I said ‘we aren’t getting married yet, we want to live together first’. Mum said ‘well, you know your Dad and I don’t agree with people living together before they’re married’, and I was really brave and unusually assertive for me and said ‘yes, I do know that, but we are adults and this is what we have decided we want to do’.

      I think she just raised her eyebrows but nothing else was said – apart from passive aggressive comments to other family members when I happened to be in the room, along the lines of ‘well, we don’t agree with it but they don’t listen to us anymore’…. to which I would just smile and not reply.

      At the end of the day, you’re an adult, she presumably raised you to behave responsibly and make your own decisions, and you have to do what you want. She’ll get over it!

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Any way you can just do it and tell her after the fact? “Sorry you feel that way, but this works for us and it’s done now.”

    3. Cassie*

      What has worked for me:

      1. Being super positive and upbeat and happy when announcing things like this. “Mom, I have some wonderful news! Boyfriend and I are going to be living together as of next month. I’m so excited and happy about this.” Just relentless positivity like a firehose aimed her way.

      2. If (when!) the negative reaction comes, I try to look/sound confused and disappointed in her. (“Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way.”) Then I reaffirm my own positive feelings on the matter (“We’re really excited about it, and it means a lot to us.”), and express my sincere hope that she will respond more positively later (“I hope you’ll be able to appreciate why this is so important to us when you’ve had a chance to get used to the idea!”) And then I end the interaction (“Gotta run now, Mom, just wanted to let you know the good news. Talk to you later.”)

      3. I do not re-engage on the topic unless she says something positive/kind/helpful about it. If she expresses negativity, I restate my own positive attitude and then end the interaction. This has involved anything from ending a phone call after less than 30 seconds to walking out of a restaurant (that only happened once). To begin with, doing this felt really scary and confrontational, but once I did it a couple of times I realised it’s really not. It’s just asserting a boundary in a clear way, and it works. My life has been so much easier since I started this.

  107. Bibliovore*

    RANT
    It is the first beautiful day since the last snow storm. I am on my back porch. it is 3:08. Two doors down has some kind of machine going …leaf blower????? that is so loud it is nauseating . Seriously dude?

    I’m going to have to buy noise canceling headsets to sit on my porch?????

    1. Bibliovore*

      And the leaf blower guy stopped and the guy next door just started sanding his deck. Recommendations for noise canceling headphones? Not in-ear. Will order on-line today.

  109. The Other Dawn*

    How do you deal with an older FIL (mid to late 70s) who is having bladder and bowel control issues, but refuses to wear Depends or similar, and often waits until it’s too late to make his way to the bathroom? The issue started more than a year ago and it hasn’t improved. Doctors can’t seem to find anything wrong and it’s totally random. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a restaurant meal or a home-cooked meal, healthy food or greasy food. It happens two to three times a week according to MIL. She said that often he will feel like it’s time to go, but won’t get up immediately, which results in an accident. It happened when they came up to our house for dinner a few months ago. It also happened today at the restaurant. He asked where the bathroom was and then just sat there for a few minutes rather than getting up to go. (We suspect that he waited too long to ask about the bathroom in the first place and it was very close to happening at the table.) Poor husband had to help him clean up in the restaurant bathroom and then I had to lay a tarp in my back seat for the ride back to our house. MIL says he flat out refuses to wear Depends, carry extra clothing and/or underwear in the car, or keep wipes in his pocket just in case. Since we live almost an hour away, she’s the one that’s stuck cleaning up after him. I mean, he cleans himself up, but he won’t do the laundry or clean up anything else that needs cleaning; it’s been that way their whole marriage. She’s obviously frustrated, but what can she do really?

    1. Ron McDon*

      That’s a tricky one, it can be that the urge is coming so late that even if he were to go *immediately* it would still be too late. I believe it’s something to do with muscles relaxing as we age, so that both the urge comes later and the muscles relax to let substances out before they should.

      This is all of course assuming that doctors have ruled out cancer etc, which you indicate is probably the case.

      With regard to what can be done, I don’t have any answers i’m afraid. I mean, obviously he should wear something to help absorb any leaks, and help your MiL with washing etc, but if he refuses to wear anything and their marriage is very traditional in terms of ‘his jobs and her jobs’ I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

      Often older folks don’t like to admit they’re ageing and having any issues, so wearing something like you’ve mentioned would be admitting there’s a problem, which they don’t want to do.

      Perhaps if the doctors could suggest wearing them to your FiL he’d listen?

      Otherwise it comes down to your MiL refusing to clean up the mess anymore, which she probably wouldn’t feel comfortable doing?

    2. Erin*

      This is a band-aid solution, but couldn’t MIL keep a change of clothes in the car and just bring them out when necessary? I’d put it in a gym bag or backpack and just keep one in each car (assuming a 2 car household). Could put wipes in there too.

      To me that’s far more infantalizing than FIL doing it himself, but maybe that’s just how things need to be for a bit.

      I have no other ideas, I’m just a mom of 3 who has a change of clothes for the entire household in each car, plus diapers and even a portable toilet (we have a toddler who is potty training…). Things get spilled, thrown up on, peed in, peed on, etc. weekly around here.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        My husband has made the suggestion that they carry extra clothes and underwear and for whatever reason, FIL won’t do it. And MIL is probably just so damn tired from having to be everyone’s taxi service and caretaker that she probably doesn’t even think about extra clothes at the time.

        I realize it’s probably really tough to deal with getting older but it doesn’t seem as though he’s in denial. It’s not as though he hides that it happened, and he apologizes for any inconvenience. To be honest, I think he’s just too lazy to be prepared. And both MIL and husband both say the same thing.

        1. Erin*

          Next time you’re there, could *you* (or frankly dH- it’s his parents!) just throw clothes in the car? Again, I’ve bagged my fair share of pooped in clothes, dragged half dressed children out of public areas etc. having the clothes is so much easier than not. And since MIL is already babying him by washing the aftermath, may as well go whole hog and packs diaper bag too.

    3. Ann O.*

      Some of this is out of her control, but what is stopping your MIL from putting a change of clothing or at least underwear/wipes in the car? If she carries a purse, she can have wipes in there.

      Something you all need to think about is when to put your foot down and refuse to eat in public places with him unless he takes preventative action. It’s not going to be a pleasant, fun conversation, but it’s really unfair to business places to expose them to bodily fluids.

      When my grandmother’s cognitive abilities declined, my mom and aunt had to put their feet down on safety issues that were really unpleasant (not letting my grandmother drive; selling the house). It was very painful for all involved. But after a few months, my grandmother accepted her normal and things settled. Hopefully, that will be what it’s like for you all. Right now, your FIL is being allowed to let his denial of aging/the problem rule, so he doesn’t need to work towards acceptance. It’s possible that once you all start enforcing some boundaries that make him confront his new reality, he’ll find acceptance.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, we all decided yesterday that we’re no longer going out to eat with him. MIL was actually the first one to mention it, although she didn’t say it when FIL was around. Thing is, it happens when he’s at home or over someone’s house, too, so I might need to consider that. Luckily they live almost an hour away, so it doesn’t come up often, maybe a few times a year.

        As to why she doesn’t pack a bag, my only guess is that she forgets because she’s so busy babying FIL and taxiing around their 50+ year old daughter and adult grandkids. But that’s another story and won’t change anytime soon.

  110. Gurl*

    I’m fostering a kitty right now! He’s recovering from an upper respiratory infection. He’s such a sweetheart, and I love him, and I’ll be devastated when he goes back to the shelter but… he needs a family, and I’m just one person living alone who sometimes works long hours. This cat is happiest when I’m lying in bed and he can lie somewhere around me/on me (more rarely). Cats are great.

    1. Hellanon*

      I’ve had several cats who were happy to just have a person who was theirs – they don’t need you to entertain them all day long as long as you can dedicate some time to them when you are there. If you can adopt him, you might think about it…

  111. Anon for this*

    How should I decide whether to invite my dad to my wedding or not?

    What makes me not want to invite him:
    – He has a long history of alcoholism, and at 32 years old, I am still trying to recover from the damage that did to me.
    – He is sometimes verbally abusive toward my mother
    – He is extremely self-centered and a tyrant
    – Most of my memories of him are negative. The positive are few and far between.
    – Alcoholism is a choice (?)

    What makes me think twice:
    – He is in very poor health and probably does not have a whole lot longer to live
    – He has been sober for a few weeks
    – Despite his utter lack of hygiene (bathing) in recent years, he actually cut his hair and beard recently. I wonder if he’s trying to clean up for the wedding. He probably assumes he’s invited no matter what.
    – I don’t know how he would react if he is not invited, and how that could impact his day-to-day treatment of my mom
    – Maybe there is still some good in him.
    – Alcoholism is a disease (?)

    Any advice on how to parse through these complicated and conflicting feelings would be much appreciated. I’m gonna have to decide for sure what to do within the next 7 days.

    1. heckofabecca*

      Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

      The big question: Which would make YOU happier on YOUR day? I un-invited my father from my wedding 2 weeks beforehand. You are allowed to make choices for your own well-being even if it’s not at a convenient time! And you are NOT responsible for your father’s reactions to your decisions. The rest of this is just advice for practical stuff—read or skip as you like.

      If you do invite him, you have authority to set some hard boundaries! Since it is your wedding, you’re allowed to pull some bridezilla tactics to ensure you get the best you can from his presence—he needs to bathe before the wedding, no alcohol that day, etc etc. Also, if he is coming, see about enlisting another guest (a cousin or sibling?) to shepherd/”babysit” him in case of difficulties—or if you just need a break.

      If you don’t invite him (or at some point un-invite him), talk to the venue about what you can/they will do to make sure he doesn’t crash. If you have some burly guests (preferably not related to you/your partner) that you trust, ask if they’ll help get him out if he does show up.

      Best of luck /hugs

      1. Anon for this*

        Thank you for this advice. I will ponder over this and take it to heart. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

  112. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Did church today with husband and the pastor’s sermon was on motherhood and loving mothers though some mothers due to some circumstances are only able to be loved from a distance. #word.

    The night before our wedding, hubby’s mom told him at the rehearsal dinner she didn’t feel like doing the mother-son dance he’d planned. He was crushed, bc we’d planned this wedding 100% on our own and she promised then backed out of providing a cake topper. Then she backed out of this. Our bosses, friends, extended family traveled and gave of their time, and his able-bodied mother chose not to dance with him. Whatever the reason, we went to the car after dinner and he cried. I felt so bad for him. His brother/gf we’re furious with his mother. I wasn’t surprised knowing her tendency toward social awkwardness, but it really hurt him. She then demanded he drive in front of her to lead her to her hotel since roads were windy.

    MIL: what you see is what you get, and she’s stubborn to a fault. I tell myself my kind loving husband came to me from her, and if it weren’t for her he wouldn’t be here.

    The mom was crying/miffed at not being center of wedding attention, but danced with hubby and somehow things worked out. Boundaries are tightly enforced, and she seems to grasp what is appropriate behavior.

    On an unrelated note, hubby’s coworker gave us an adorable toy puppy who we named Jackaroo :)

  113. Jaid_Diah*

    I’m watching one of the BBC Farm series, Elizabethan Farm. Historians recreate life at a historic farm over twelve months, usually from September to September. There’s Tudor Farm, Victorian Farm, Edwardian Farm and WWII Farm and you can watch the series on YouTube.
    I find it relaxing and informative.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I watched something a couple of years ago called Victorian Slum, where volunteers lived as their ancestors might have (as a shopkeeper, tailor, etc). It was really good but this sounds much more relaxing! I’ll have to look it up.

    2. Parenthetically*

      I ADOOOOORE those shows. Tales from the Green Valley is awesome as well, as is Secrets of the Castle.

  114. Triple Anon*

    My pup got sick last weekend. I had to take him to the emergency vet. He’s doing better now. It was probably just an infection, although we won’t know for sure until the follow up appointment.

    The vet visit completely wiped out my bank account. I had to pay for part of it with my spare change jar. And get through a week with hardly any money. (Fortunately we had plenty of dog food.) I’m getting pet insurance for him, so, hopefully, this won’t happen again.

    I’m glad to have a healthy pup, but being broke is no fun.

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