{ 1,287 comments… read them below }

  1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    I’m a royal watcher – got it from my mom. So, I made lemon elderflower scones to eat while watching the royal wedding this morning. I also whipped up some elderflower lemon curd. Ohmygod. It’s taking every ounce of self control to not snarf down the entire batch.

    1. WellRed*

      Oh the wedding! The radiant couple. The carriage procession afterward. The medieval town. The American touches.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I woke up at 5am my time and watched the livestream in bed. The wedding was lovely.

    3. Julia*

      Luckily in Tokyo, it was aired at 8pm, so we (I made my husband watch) could watch it over dinner. The American bishop was entertaining, but I thought his speech was a little long.

        1. Julia*

          I thought it was interesting, but yeah, I feel like a lot of wedding ceremonies are a little long.
          Did you see some of the guests suppressing laughter?

          1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

            I’m actually not a fan of wedding ceremonies themselves. I like the arrivals and the stuff at the end. It’s the funnest part!

            I did. I wasn’t terribly surprised since (I’m totally guessing) most of them haven’t experienced that type of sermon before.

          2. Shop Girl*

            Yeah that was kind of rude. I would have thought that people like that would have experienced a black preacher before.

            1. Gaia*

              From what I understand, preachers are a bit more restrained in England so while they may have experienced a black preacher before they likely have not experienced anything like an American preacher and really nothing like a black American preacher. I loved his sermon and I thought it was a really great way to include Meghan’s culture in ceremony steeped in traditions from a culture she wasn’t raised in.

              1. Jemima Bond*

                Yes, most of the congregation would be accustomed to Church of England vicars giving a sermon/address and they are usually much more calm and restrained with little raising of the voice and few gestures. I was watching with friends (we were at a little craft retreat and we streamed it on a laptop) and I remember thinking, crikey this is getting a bit fire and brimstone! I did say at one point I was almost expecting him to yell, “can I get an Ay-MEN?!” Let me tell you that crowd would NOT have raised both arms and shouted it back. His use of an iPad was also noted; that’s not something I’d expect in a C of E vicar’s hands – very modern.
                So whilst it’s important to be polite, I’m not surprised at a bit of nervous giggling – for an Anglican congregation the preacher was closer to the Eddie Murphy preacher character at the charity public meeting in Coming to America, in terms of what most of us are used to.
                Although I should point out it’s the style that is unusual, it’s not that we don’t have black clergymen. I noted the Queen’s own chaplain was both black and a woman.

              2. Bagpuss*

                It’s more that people preaching in the Abbey or St George’s tend to be a bit more restrained. There are lots of churches (both within and outwith the CofE) which are more evangelical / fire and brimstone, so I think it was mostly that it was not what people expected in the particular setting, or at a Royal Wedding, as they tend to the traditional (one writer in, I think, the Guardian, commented that it says a lot about the traditions of Royal Weddings that having two songs with a combined age of 104 years (‘Stand by Me’ and ‘This Little Light’) was perceived as rather modern and risque!

                Also, the content of the address, quoting MLK etc was more political that you would usually expect at a wedding, particularly a Royal one, and the address lasted longer than you normally get at a (CofE) wedding.

                All that said, the commentary I’ve seen/heard here in the UK press (print and TV/Radio) has all been extremely positive and Bishop Curry’s address is the bit being singled out the most for positive comment.

                My interest in the Royals is tepid at best, but I did enjoy looking at all the outfits, and I thought Meghan’s mother looked fantastic – very elegant. (I also liked Serena Williams disclosing that she was wearing comfy trainers under the long dress she wore for the reception – an excellent plan!)

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Um, I just had to go to Facebook and check my cousin’s page because I know she was looking for elderflower water the other day. and she’s obsessed with Disney. She made elderflower poundcake however, so I think you’re not her. :)

            1. louise*

              My favorite St Germain’s cocktail:
              Muddle mint in a shaker
              Add equal parts:
              St Germains
              White rum (I use Plantation)
              Pineapple juice
              Shake and strain over ice
              Top with a splash of ginger ale and garnish with mint

              It’s summery and fresh. Don’t let the pineapple fool you into expecting something tropical, however; the floral notes lift it out of fruity territory.

              Alas, I don’t know a name for it—a bartender in Kansas City had just whipped it up for the first time shortly before I arrived in want of fresh, sweet drink and I fell in love. She was kind enough to tell me the proportions and I’ve been duplicating at home ever since.

    5. Disappointing*

      Three or four years tops. She was more than happy to ditch her current partner when Harry came along. If someone she perceives as better comes along she will no doubt do it again. Her and Harry sure put on like it was her first wedding. She is a social climber of the worst kind. Harry is dumb for falling for her act.

      When I saw Meghan smiling and laughing at the memorial for a murder victim I immediately thought Harry was making an error. I liked her before that and thought they were a good match. How she acted at the memorial was awful and she was rightly slammed for it. She got the dressing part down but her actions have otherwise been awful.

      If Diana was around, Rachel never would have gotten close enough to latch on. I was thrilled when Harry fell for a black woman. Being black myself I thought it was about time. But he’s made a mistake and this is going to implode and come back to bite him.

      Her dress was awful, her mom was dressed awful and seeing who her parents and family are it’s obvious why she acts like she does. This will all end in tears.

      1. Julia*

        Whoa. Didn’t Meghan get divorced in 2013 already due to the strain of her being somewhere else to film Suits?

        I have zero insight into her life and mind, but it does seem like you are using the most uncharitable interpretation. I just looked up the memorial and it seems people slammed her for her dress and hair. Shaming women’s dresses and women of color’s hair seems… not great.

        Plus, wasn’t Diana sort of a social climber herself?

            1. Matilda the Hun*

              Dog whistle is used to describe a phrase that has a very specific meaning to a specific group of people, but sounds innocuous to the rest of the world. For example, in some right-wing circles, “globalist” is a dog whistle for “Jewish”- they know what they mean, say it all over television, and the rest of us are supposedly none the wise.

              In this case, “social climber” is most likely a dog whistle for “Black.”

          2. Justme, The OG*

            I loved the dress, and the fact that she was light on the jewelry to let the tiara shine.

        3. Disappointed*

          Her wedding dress was ugly. I was surprised because as I said her clothing is always on point.

          Her clothing at the memorial was fine. She should not have been slammed or shamed for it. Same with her hair. Black women get slammed for not having perfect hair all the time. It has happened to me and it sucks.

          Her actions at the memorial were awful. To me that is a separate issue from her clothing. You don’t titter and laugh when people are talking about the pain of losing a murder victim. Royalty or not. There are photos of her doing it and that was the shameful part. She and Harry should not have nuzzled or swung their arms while holding hands. That was also disrespectful.

          Diana was young and naive and sold a fairy tale. Meghan is older and supposedly wiser and more worldly. Yet she needs be told not to laugh at a memorial for a murder victim? She is cunning, I will give her that. She was dating someone (not her ex) when Harry came along and she threw him aside in a hot minute. Harry was dumb to fall for her “I don’t even know who Price Harry is” act.

            1. Kay*

              I can’t speak for Disappointed but if thinking it is not appropriate for someone to laugh, grin and carry on while in church to remember a murder victim, than I am okay with being sad.

              1. The Winter Rose*

                You can think that’s not appropriate without being a racist, classic asshat. I hope you’ll learn how one day. (Though I hope you’ll also learn that laughter and giggling can be a nervous reaction to stressful situations, and doesn’t automatically mean you find it amusing! I giggled during my own fathers’s funeral service, for those reasons. Luckily I have kind, understanding people around me who didn’t decide to judge me as some sort of evil unfeeling monster for it.)

                “Disappointed” is ranting all over comment threads on multiple posts exposing their ugly nasty pathetic sordid little fantasies about someone they’ve never met. They are clearly out of touch with reality. That’s what’s sad here.

          2. Girlwithapearl*

            You were all over yesterday’s open thread saying the same thing

            Get a hobby maybe?

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I assume you’ll also be disappointed with the behaviour of Beatrice and Eugénie (I think; I was watching on my phone) who were giggling and carrying on while the American bishop was speaking? Speaking of shameful.

        1. Disappointed*

          Their behavior was shameful. But considering who their father and mother are they never stood a chance. It is actually more shameful than Meghan’s behavior, because they at least had the benefit of tutoring, etiquette lessons and role models. Meghan had no one but her trashy parents to learn from. Beatrice and Eugenie did. The wedding was a farce but Beatrice and Eugenie did not act properly and that is disappointing.

          Meghan makes their mother Sarah Ferguson look like a virtuous angel.

            1. Julia*

              Apparently having less-than-ideal parents is a no-win situation. Cut them off and you’re a cold-hearted b*tch. Don’t cut them off and you’re just like them.

      3. Justme, The OG*

        Wow. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that if you can’t say something nice then say nothing? I would seriously suggest that because you’re coming off as simply rude and uncouth.

        1. Disappointed*

          As a British citizen and taxpayer I am disappointed and angry that my tax dollars paid for that farce of a wedding and will pay to support that scheming social climber who thinks it is appropriate to laugh at the memorial for a murder victim. I am allowed to have an opinion considering my taxes will support her lifestyle for the rest of her (hopefully) short) time in the royal family.

          1. Wear a seatbelt*

            You are being silly.

            You can play the republican card or you can play the outraged monarchist card, but you can’t play both.

            1. Fiennes*

              You can if you’re a racist feebly attempting to hide the true source of your resentment…

              1. Disappointed*

                I’m black and a proud monarcist. I was a fan of her and happy about the engagement until I saw her laugh her way through the memorial. I would have thought it was inappropriate whether it was a future royal or not but I was disappointed when I saw her do that.

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  She made a dumb mistake. She will learn. I’m sure you’ve made many–I know I have. But grudges are fun, so let’s all hold them forever and ever.

                2. Julia*

                  I was super upset about Harry dressing up as a nazi once a really long time ago, so either they deserve each other or maybe they both learned from their mistakes and grew. Only time will tell.

          2. Penny Lane*

            Social climber? Honey, you don’t seem to understand. Meghan has an elite degree (no doubt better than yours) and a thriving career – she didn’t need to “climb,” she was already at the top. You sure spend a lot of mental time hating someone you don’t know. If you wish to hate on Americans, try our president, who actually does things to harm people.

          3. neverjaunty*

            “But I’m allowed to have that opinion!” maybe not such a resounding defense of awful opinions?

            Maybe this is just me being one of those newfangled colonials, but it’s odd to hear complaints about royal spouses being “social climbers” or living off taxpayers, which have been the central pursuits of nobility for centuries.

          4. Thlayli*

            Actually the royals are all entitled to a specific payment from the taxpayer, but the Queen voluntarily pays for all the other royals allowances out of her own allowance. So unless that practice changes, her allowance won’t cost you a penny.

            And I’d be willing to bet the Wedding has made more money for the British economy than it cost.

          5. Akcipitrokulo*

            As a British citizen and taxpayer you have no tax dollars. Which does tend to cast doubt on that claim.

            1. Euro*

              Was about to say the same. There ain’t no dollars in the UK.

              Btw: I’ve read that the wedding costs a lot (like 53 million pounds) yet the profit the country will get from it is like 10 times what it costs. People all over Europe were traveling by train to England (24% passengers this past weekend than the same weekend last year), hotels were fully-booked, merchandise sold like crazy, etc.

              Fan of the royals or not, this was a good thing for the economy.

              1. Bagpuss*

                the figure I’ve seen is an estimate of about £32Million.

                The Royal family are paying for the wedding itself, but the security costs (which will obviously have been substantial) will be paid by Thames Vlalley Police who cover Windsor, and probably be reimbursed by a special grant from the Home Office. So we as tax payers will be footing that part of the bill. How much of the boost to the economy will find its way back into public funds is another question – presumably those making money out of it will be paying tax on the additional income.

                Prince Harry isn’t given an allowance through the Civil list – his income comes from the income of the Duchy of Cornwall, so you can have an argument about whether it’s appropriate for the Royals to own so much of the country, but that is a separate conversation. I believe that costs of carrying out official engagements are paid for via government grants although the Queen refunds some of those costs., so it may well be that Meghan carrying out royal engagements win the Commonwealth ill work out cheaper for taxpayers than if a politician was doing a similar engagement.

                On a personal level, there are other uses of public money I resent far more – an awful lot of people seemed to get an awful lot of pleasure out of the wedding, I don’t really mind too much that some of my hard-earned cash contributed to paying for that. (And I say that as someone who would happily see that monarchy abolished, or downsized to something closer to the Dutch model)

          6. Gaia*

            The Queen and the Crown Prince paid of the wedding. And the allowance for Prince Henry (and, I’m sure, Meghan) comes from the Queen. And even if you consider tax dollars that went to security, etc, that wedding brought in tens (if not hundreds) of million more in economic increases than it ever cost.

          7. Indie*

            Those would be British ‘dollars’ would they? This is getting rather embarrassing.

      4. Foreign Octopus*

        How about we try to keep comments positive?

        We don’t know the ins and outs of their lives and it feels spiteful to speculate on the longevity of their marriage when they’re not even 12 hours married. People tend to forget that Kate was also spoken about in this way as well, “waity Katie” being a particular cruel nickname the British tabloids concocted for her, and yet she’s now thought of very well.

        They’re two people who have fallen in love and had a lovely wedding today. Your spite is out of place, particularly, I believe, on this website. Might I recommend the Daily Mail comments section?

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          I saw an interview with Prince William once and he talked about why he had waited so long to propose to Kate. He said he wanted to give her enough time to really understand, and get used to, what it would mean to be part of the Royal Family, constantly being on display and followed around by the paparazzi. He said that that was his life, and he didn’t really have any choice about it, but she did, and he wanted her to decide for herself if it was something she wanted to sign up for.

          I really do like him, and Prince Harry as well. They seem like genuine, down to earth people….or as genuine and down to earth a person born into royalty and immense wealth could be.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I agree–I think they’ve turned out rather well and their mother would be very proud of them. They certainly have better manners and morals than some people I could name but won’t because no politics.

      6. Parenthetically*

        Wow, this is uncalled-for. Petty, gossip-rag speculation on the lives of strangers, slavering over their missteps and potential future pain? I concur with the suggestion to seek out the comments section over at the Daily Mail so you can find people more in line with your way of thinking.

      7. Penny Lane*

        Huh. I know people who personally knew Meghan from her college days and they all say she’s lovely.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          YOU ARE TWO DEGREES AWAY FROM ROYALTY 0_0

          Heh, I’m only three degrees away from my celebrity crush (through my old celebrity crush, haha). But there is no chance in h3ll we’ll meet that way, le sigh.

          1. Temperance*

            My boss is in the same sorority Meghan was in college, and she fully claims her as a sister. lol.

      8. Penny Lane*

        Why do you call her Rachel when she clearly goes by her middle name of Meghan? Gosh, if this were a workplace advice column, you’d be advised to cut it out and use the name she goes by.

      9. Drama Llama*

        You are awfully angry about people who have no impact on your life whatsoever.

      10. Searching*

        I loved the wedding ceremony. Meghan’s dress was gorgeous, and after Harry got over his nerves, the couple looked very much in love. It will be so nice to shelve that sad image of Harry at his mother’s funeral and remember the happy groom of today instead.

        I do wonder if the marriage will last – but NOT because I suspect Meghan of having any nefarious motives. (“Social climber”?? Really?? From where I sit she gave up more than she gained.) I simply think she is underestimating how stifling it will be to have to keep her opinions to herself and put up with all those stiff-upper-lip royals – after all, this was the woman who as an 11-year-old led a campaign to stop a sexist television commercial. Now she is left with doing charity work for the rest of her days, and that will only go so far as an outlet.

        But for now, I’m enjoying re-watching the highlights of the day.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I don’t think it will be as bad as all that. Because of Charles and William and his children, Harry will likely never be king, so they can relax a little. I think they’re already changing things up. They’ll do it their way, most likely, and the Queen seems quite pleased that her grandson is happy.

      11. Former Employee*

        I looked her up on Wikipedia. She was divorced in 2013 and didn’t meet Harry util 2016. Since it said that they were introduced by mutual friends, I assume that means that her relationship status was known to those who did the introduction.

        As far as the memorial service, all I saw was that her outfit was criticized. I didn’t bother to check into details.

        Everyone else seemed to think Meghan Markle’s dress was beautiful and classic. While the design house, Givenchy, certainly isn’t perfect, one commentator mentioned that Givenchy dressed Audrey Hepburn and that Meghan Markle’s wedding dress reminded them of something Ms. Hepburn might have worn. As a big fan of Ms. Hepburn’s, I thought that comment really hit the mark.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      While I don’t care about royalty per se, I did look through WaPo’s photos of all the hats.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I really like her. I saw her argue on behalf of a client (a dual Canadian-Egyptian citizen who was in prison in Egypt) and she was so eloquent and sharp and incisive. She always looks polished and put together, and from what I’ve read she seems like a genuinely nice person.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Best part: the Guardian tweeting “International human rights lawyer Amal Clooney arrived wearing a bright Stella McCartney yellow dress, with her husband alongside.” Heh heh.

              1. Lissa*

                That made me giggle. Also yeah wow she looked great! And I’m not normally one to follow clothes, etc. I love yellow and wish I could pull it off.

        2. Justme, The OG*

          I love that George’s tie and pocket square were yellow to coordinate with Amal.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        For which part?

        The lemon curd is super easy. Just make (or buy) your favorite. Stir in a tablespoon per cup of St Germain. Voilà!

        The scones…. gimme a minute. I scrawled a recipe together in a notebook.

        2. Wannabe Disney Princess*

          Okay. This is the recipe I adapted:
          https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/scones-recipe

          If you scroll down to the bottom of the page, it has a tweak for drop scones. That’s what I made. Now, the extra liquid wasn’t enough so I added the extra lemon curd I had left over while it was still warm. Maybe a quarter of a cup? (if you buy yours, just add extra milk/half and half/whatever and some lemon extract and St Germain). I also added a boatload of lemon zest.

          This is important, though: freeze them for AT LEAST 30 minutes. They turn out so light and so fluffy.

          1. Tau*

            Thank you so much! Scones aren’t something I’ve made particularly often and that recipe sounds delicious, and your suggested additives twice as delicious.

        3. Tau*

          I was thinking the scones, but that lemon curd sounds absolutely delicious as well, and honestly the main thing I wanted to know was where you got the elderflower flavour from! I am definitely going to have to experiment with this, I love elderflower (and elderberry, although using that seems less common in the US.)

    8. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m about to make scones for a re-watch brunch tomorrow… did you put St. Germain in the scones too? That sounds marvelous.

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        I did!

        Originally, I was just going to stick with lemon zest since I wanted the lemon curd to be the star of the show.

        But, I ended up actually adding a little of the lemon curd-St Germain mixture (before it set up) since the dough was looking a teensy bit dry. Maaaaaybe a quarter cup? Wasn’t a lot. Just enough that it’s lightly flavored and a BEAUTIFUL color.

    9. Pitney Bowes*

      The dress was bland, boring and unimaginative. It suited Rachel Sparkle perfectly.

        1. Liz*

          I loved the dress and the afters dress. I thought she was beautiful. Also, I lived in the UK for a few years. There is a class consciousness there that US folks don’t get.

          1. Quoth the Raven*

            I didn’t watch the wedding but judging by the photos and videos I’ve seen, I loved the dress, too.

    10. Kay*

      The expressions of the Queen, Zara Tindall and Duchess Catherine really did say it all. There was no hiding what everyone was thinking. Pictures of their sour expressions don’t lie.

      1. bunniferous*

        If I recall correctly the faces were made during the overly long sermon of the American bishop. But in any case if you took my photograph a million times at church or at a formal occasion I am sure you would have a multitude of facial expressions to choose from.

        1. ThatGirl*

          The sermon was 13 minutes. That’s not long. My dad’s a pastor and his averaged 20-25; black pastors often go longer.

          1. A Non E. Mouse*

            The sermon was 13 minutes. That’s not long. My dad’s a pastor and his averaged 20-25; black pastors often go longer.

            Southern preachers (of any persuasion or color, as far as I every experienced) will flat take up a Sunday on you.

            Someone gets the Ghost and you’ll be there HOURS.

            And I came to dread traveling pastors…they were basically the “inspirational speakers” and loved to hear themselves talk.

            1. ThatGirl*

              Oh yes, I believe that. I mostly lived in the northeast and Indiana. Once saw a pastor in Oregon hold the congregation hostage over the offering.

            2. Chaordic One*

              Your comments about the length of the sermon reminded me of the old Lyle Lovett song, “Church.”

            3. Falling Diphthong*

              Maya Angelou had a very moving piece recalling from her childhood when the traveling preacher would come and stay with them, and her grandmother would make for breakfast fried bacon with fried ham and fried eggs and fried biscuits and fried tomatoes, and as soon as they were all sitting in front of their hot food he would start holding forth while all the fat congealed, until it was solid and cold and he finally let them eat.

              It was, like, 60 years later, and you could feel the heat of the grudge coming off the page.

              1. ThatGirl*

                Hahaha I’ve definitely been in situations where my food was getting cold while someone rambled on, so I love that.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Well, Zara Tindall looked like she was about 41 weeks pregnant and as probably overdressed for the weather, so I won’t read too much into HER expression.

    11. Enya*

      I thought Meghans dress was pretty, if a tad plain, but I didn’t like the way her hair was parted in the middle. I thought Kate looked especially nice.

      2. Julia*

        I think the plain dress worked well because it didn’t distract from her lovely face. Plus, she was wearing one heck of a tiara, so a dress with bling etc. may have been too much.

        1. AdAgencyChick*

          I’ve noticed that, as much as women on “Say Yes to the Dress” ask to “look like a princess” and what they mean is “load my dress up with bling,” actual royal brides have all the sparkle on their heads. I’m going to guess that’s actual protocol, not just a tendency.

          That said, I was a bit let down by Meghan’s gown. I think one can be sparkle-free without being plain. Would have loved to see a more interesting textile, or something to the cut of the gown to break up that vast field of flat white.

          I liked Gina Torres’s dress best of the wedding guests’, to the point that I tracked it down online. I’m relieved that it’s available only in the very smallest sizes, so that I don’t have to actually get into it with myself about why it is not a good idea to drop $1900 on a fancy day dress.

          1. saffytaffy*

            AdAgencyChick, there’s a tendency with people of old money to not wear ostentatious bling, which is seen as something a newly-wealthy person would do and is vulgar. Think of Daphne Guinness, who wears diamond broaches INSIDE her shirt collar, so you can’t see them but there’s a light from them reflected up onto her face. The best thing is to have the most subtle possible signifiers of wealth.
            So it’s not really a protocol, but was born out of a way to separate from the lower classes, who around the 1910s were beginning to be able to buy machine-made lace and mauveine fabric.

    12. Fiennes*

      I made a lemon cream cheese pound cake. Not QUITE the same, but still yummy with coffee in the early morning!

        1. Fiennes*

          Very simple—cup and a half of sugar, cup and a half of flour, 3/4 cup of butter, 3 eggs, 1 tsp vanilla, 1 tsp lemon extract, half a package of cream cheese. Mix the (room temperature) butter and cream cheese; add sugar and mix again; add eggs, mix; add flour, mix; add extract and vanilla. This will fill a loaf pan. (Double recipe for a tube pan.) Bake at 325 for approximately 80 minutes—the time varies a lot, though, by pan and by oven. So check for doneness starting at the one hour mark. Enjoy!

    13. SpiderLadyCEO*

      Oh my gosh, that sounds amazing! Where did you get elderflower flavoring? Did you have to special order it? I just made vanilla scones and ate them with marmalade, because I had That Which We Do Not Name today.

      2. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Never mind me, I should have read further downthread before commenting :) I will be trying this recipe soon!

    14. louise*

      Lemon cupcakes with salted elderflower liqueur buttercream here. Mmmm…they were a hit. After the party I realized I had a jar of lemon curd. Missed opportunity.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I saw a picture of the cake on Twitter. Mmm, I want a piece. Someone posted a lemon elderflower recipe under it (not the same one) and I saved that sucker.

    16. fposte*

      A thought occurred to me–was there much mention of Wallis Simpson in the coverage? I was thinking either there was a lot or there was significant silence on the topic.

      1. Detached Elemental*

        Absolutely zero on the coverage I watched. I suspect people thought it might be tacky to mention her.

      2. Former Employee*

        It’s my understanding that when the Queen Mother was alive, no one was to speak the names of Edward and Wallis (who became the Duke and Duchess of Windsor after Edward abdicated and married Wallis) in her presence.

        If so, then maybe the entire family just got used to silence regarding them.

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I was thinking the same thing yesterday, but I am so glad they didn’t connect Meghan Markle to Wallis Simpson. First, because Harry isn’t the monarch so it’s not quite as big a deal, and second, because Meghan isn’t a(n alleged, I suppose, though I firmly believe it) Nazi conspirator who sleeps with everyone in her path.

        Plus, we do live in very different times. :)

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I was thinking somewhere Wallis is laughing a wry laugh, but I also didn’t particularly care if her ghost felt cheated.

      4. Middle School Teacher*

        My coverage mentioned her briefly when they said why Harry and Meaghan were now Duke and Duchess of Sussex: primarily because it was available, but also because there was no scandal associated with it. Windsor was also available as a choice, but given what happened with the last one, the Queen decided not to use that one, since the last Duke was Edward VIII.

        1. Jemima Bond*

          Yeah, there are a few extinct ones such as Clarence & Avondale but seeing as George Duke of Clarence betrayed his brother Edward IV and was drowned in a butt of malmsey, and the last holder of the title was Prince Albert Victor son of Edward VII who got embroiled in a brothel scandal, it doesn’t really augur well!
          I came here to drink milk and spout bits of the history of the monarchy, and I’ve just finished my milk…

  2. Tomato Soup*

    I woke up late and the wind picks up and now I can’t spray weed killer…

    i really hate yard work but im the only one who gives a damn and i also don’t want to pay people..

    1. Enough*

      I still need to mow a section of my yard and it is raining again. It was bad enough last year when it rained every week all summer and the grass never stopped growing but when you only get one dry day a week all you do is think about is mowing.

      1. nep*

        It’s maddening–I hate when it gets so high and starts to look as if the house is unoccupied…but then, relentless rain. Ouf.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          That’s what mine looks like now–a big field of tall grass and fuzzy dandelions. Meanwhile the neighbors’ lawns look like Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood.

    2. Pollygrammer*

      I picked up a bunch of plants a couple days ago and it’s been raining ever since, so I can’t get them in the ground. I apologized to them out loud this morning because I am insane. (“Not today, guys, I’m sorry.”)

    3. Alpha Bravo*

      My lawn is a hayfield right now. My late spouse was the groundskeeper and I have just had zero motivation this year. My flower beds are all perennials but need weeding. I usually do a veggie garden as well, but … nah. I’ve decided I DO want to pay someone to mow. I like landscaping and gardening but mowing was always his thing and I really don’t want to start doing it now.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I feel the same way, but once I get started it’s not too bad. Last night my choice was to spray weed killer on the patio–it’s big and a couple hundred years old, so weeds love to grow in the dirt between the bricks–or mow the front and side lawns. Weed killing won, because my husband locked the shed and I couldn’t get the mower (he was working). Had no idea I had the key on my key ring. I didn’t want to do either one, but my back was hurting and I needed to move around for awhile. And now it’s raining again so I can’t mow. Lawn looks terrible compared to all the neighbors. One neighbor pays someone, one has a zero turn mower (very jealous!) and the other is a fanatic about his lawn.

      Probably the thing I hate the most is the initial weeding of the flower garden. Since I’m not good at gardening and it was well-established when we moved in a few years ago, I’m loathe to till it up and start over. I know that’s what really needs to be done in order to have less work over the long term, but I just can’t make myself do it. I’m so worried I’ll either till up plants I want to keep, or I’ll start and never finish. Sure, my husband would LOVE to do it, but he will till everything without regard for the plants I want to keep. Not on purpose, but he won’t be careful either.

  3. Hey There Demons*

    I’ve been watching Buzzfeed Unsolved all week while working on crafting projects and I wanted to ask you all: where do you stand on ghosts and/or cryptids (Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Jersey Devil)? And more importantly, does anyone have a story to share?

    I myself have never had an experience but I do think ghosts are real. Yes, the TV shows of constantly finding evidence seem extreme but I do think there is something to these narratives. And I’ve had friends with experiences who wouldn’t joke or lie about things like that, so I’m inclined to believe them.

    Cryptids and those sorts of urbane legends I’m a little more on the fence about, again no experience in my life, but I like the idea that we haven’t discovered every little secret on our planet.

    Where do you all stand?

    1. Hey There Demons*

      Also Buzzfeed Unsolved on YouTube is a really fun and interesting series about supernatural stories and true crime, I highly recommend it if you need something to binge.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t believe in them but I love the stories to pieces, if they’re well-told. So I’d hate to lose the thread of belief that keeps such stories alive.

      Have you read the great AAM Halloween thread where people report on their haunting experiences in the office? There’s some great stuff in there. Link in followup.

    3. Julia*

      I do think it’s kind of arrogant to deny the existence of ghosts – we can’t prove that they don’t exist, and humans had some interesting beliefs that we now laugh at (the earth being flat), so I think we should learn to be more open-minded. Do I believe in them? Enough to be scared when I get up to pee at night, and enough to cry at that one scene in Moana.

      But I’m a sceptic about 100% answers. Maybe that’s why I’m agnostic and not an atheist.

    4. Lily Evans*

      I’m ambivalent about it all since I don’t have proof either way. But at the same time I really don’t want proof? I’m perfectly happy with it being a mystery because I’m a scaredy cat.

    6. Lissa*

      I’ve had some creepy experiences, but my rational brain won’t let me fully believe. I know that brains are really good at tricking themselves, and just because I saw/heard something doesn’t necessarily mean it happened just as I remember. At the same time though…. maybe there is something to it, there’s been so many different stories over the years and I myself have seen some weird stuff.

      Cryptids, definitely not. I remember as a kid being like “Hey, if there really had been a Loch Ness monster in the 1800s wouldn’t it be dead by now anyway?” My parents were amused.

    7. Scubacat*

      Based on my education in primatology, I think that it’s highly doubtful that Bigfoot is wandering about the West Coast. What would it be eating?

    8. many bells down*

      I’ve deliberately chosen to believe in the Loch Ness Monster. I don’t have opinions of other cryptids, and I’ve never seen a ghost myself. I just really like the idea of Nessie.

    10. Fiennes*

      Zero belief in cryptids. Ghosts, though…they make no sense in the world as I see it, but enough people I’ve known (who were reasonable and practical—including my grandma, the least fanciful human I’ve ever met) have had encounters that I’m forced to wonder. I guess I’d say I don’t believe in ghosts, but they’re the only paranormal thing I wouldn’t be totally shocked to see proved real one day.

    11. SpiderLadyCEO*

      You know, I’m not sure what I believe in, being the world’s most sacrilegious Catholic, but I adore ghost/cryptid/spooky stories, especially when they are presented as real/unsolved! It’s just not as scary if it’s fakefakefake, but if you suspend belief for long enough….and of course there are some things that just cannot be explained! I was never there for any of it, but a few things happened in my childhood bedroom, and electronics never worked as well in there…

    12. FD*

      Several people I consider sensible and not prone to crying wolf have stories of seeing them. One person I know was with several friends. They saw a woman in old-fashioned dress (it was a college campus so they thought it was for an event or something) walk into an elevator ahead of them. They thought they’d wait for the next one as they were joking around and didn’t want to be Those Guys who are loud and obnoxious on a shared elevator. The elevator didn’t move, so they got worried and called it again. It was empty.

      Another friend of mine kept getting a half glimpse of a woman in a nightgown in their home. They didn’t get a bad vibe from her, so they just ignored it, half thinking it was their imagination. Then their sister came over and asked, “Hey, were you wearing a nightgown earlier? I saw someone wearing one.”

      I tend to be skeptical, but both of these stories make me wonder.

    14. A Non E. Mouse*

      I believe that people believe they see ghosts.

      I don’t know if that means they actually exist, but I do know that in the few months after my beloved FIL died, I swear I kept catching him out of the corner of my eye, in his favorite sweatshirt and jeans.

      Ghost? Grief-stricken mind? I don’t know. But either way it was a comfort, so I took it as one.

    15. Thlayli*

      I also have heard believable stories from many believable people regarding ghosts/ spirits / visitations / whatever you want to call them.

      I was religious as a kid, atheist for many years and now agnostic/ religious / not sure. I believe strongly in science but I also know that scientists have prejudices. They say there is no scientific evidence of ghosts, yet there is such an overwhelming number of people who have experienced this. I don’t agree with the concept that “anecdotal evidence is worthless”. There have been plenty of times that people have been disbelieved because they had no proof, but later were proven to be correct. I think the sheer volume of believable eye-witnesses can’t be so easily dismissed by “anecdotal evidence is worthless”.

      the evidence that I have (believable stories from multiple believable people) indicates to me that there is something after death. The nature of it is not clear – some of the stories were very different to others. But there is *something*, I’m sure of it even though I’ve not had an experience myself.

      Cryptids I’m much more sceptical of. Not saying I disbelieve people but it’s easy to get mixed up between animals especially if you don’t see them clearly, and some animals with weird diseases can look really strange – ever seen those photos of animals that have lost their hair for whatever reason? Or animals that have been deformed from various conditions? I think that’s the likely explanation for most cryptids. I do believe there are still animals we haven’t discovered too.

      Im also pretty sure aliens must exist just due to the sheer numbers of suitable planets and the fact life evolved here so why not elsewhere. I’m also sure any species with the technology to travel across interstellar space would have the technology to hide from us. So I think alien visits are feasible. However i don’t tend to find the evidence for claims of alien encounters convincing because I’ve never met anyone who’s had one, and the people who make these claims don’t really seem that convincing to me.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Related to cryptids, I’ve heard that people will report seeing a cougar when they’ve really seen a bobcat, so I figure the same kind of thing might be happening with Bigfoot, etc. A cougar is much bigger than a bobcat, and bobcats have spots and just a stubby tail – they don’t look that much alike. Then again, if I saw either close up in the woods, I might be too scared to think about what it was too.

    16. Nico M*

      Ghosts aren’t real.

      There are plentiful explanations for why rational honest people could sincerely believe they saw a ghost.

      Ghosts existing means junking a shitload of working science.

      The famous cryptids are nonsense but it’s not impossible that there’s undiscovered wonders in the remotest parts of the world.

    17. Indoor Cat*

      Ghosts, sorta. I believe there are probably spirits out there, or interdimensional beings we perceive as ghosts. I think there are times people can glimpse infinities so beyond our own understanding that we process them as something we’re expecting– a human-ghost, or the voice of someone familiar. I believe many haunted places genuinely have paranormal, scientifically inexplicable phenomena happening.

      But, I’m disinclined to the idea that a dead person’s soul can get stuck on Earth if they have unfinished business. And I think a lot of the people who claim to speak to dead loved ones for people are full of sh!t, pardon my language. That kind of thing makes me really angry, especially after things like the Amanda Berry case [short version: a famous psychic told police that a missing girl was dead, altering the investigation, but it turned out she was alive and kidnapped].

      Aliens who have visited Earth? Mmmaybe. I can’t see how anyone saying they were abducted by aliens or witnessed alien ships landing has something to gain; instead, they seem to become objects of derision. But, again, who’s to say that these surreal, paranormal experiences are actually encounters with beings from far off planets? Rather, maybe they’re inter-dimensional visions, or what would have been called angels or demons if a person was more inclined to believe in those things than aliens?

      The evidence for the government covering up aliens’ existence, crop circles, and alien influence on ancient cultures, seems pretty flimsy to me.

      Cryptids: I mean, environmentalists estimate that there are hundreds of thousands of as yet undiscovered distinct species. And while most of these are deep-sea creatures or insects, who’s to say we won’t one day discover a yeti or a bigfoot?

      1. Mike C.*

        Mostly because biologists can easily measure the amount of wildlife it takes to feed and support similar organisms and then look to see that there isn’t enough to feed and support them.

        That and the complete and utter lack of sightings, footprints, scat, and other markings. Apex predators tend to leave a huge mark on an ecosystem and they’re obvious to see.

        Furthermore, much of the “undiscovered species” are going to be things that are smaller, most likely plants, fungus and the like or are closely related organisms that are phenotypiclly similar but are significantly distinct when it comes to genetics.

        I mean sure, I cannot prove a negative and say with certainty that there is no such thing as a Bigfoot. But what’s so frustrating about these sorts of discussions is the that fact that people who do think there might be are competly unwilling to explain how that is possible in the context of our current understanding of ecology. You have to do that hard work or you won’t be taken seriously.

        1. Indoor Cat*

          I mean, I’m not trying to be serious; this seems like a pretty relaxed thread, you know? But, they did discover an orange spotted flounder last year, and that seems pretty big!

          I dunno, would a yeti be an apex predator? Maybe they’re herbivores. Maybe they eat people’s garbage, like raccoons. Maybe they only eat two weeks of the year, and then they hibernate. Plus, those videos do show evidence like sightings, scat, and footprints. They could be fake, but they could be real, you know?

          1. Mike C.*

            I’m not sure what’s so fun and relaxed about handwaving away large fields of science because you saw a few grainy videos. It’s kind of insulting to be honest.

            1. Hey There Demons*

              Mike, please, this was meant to be fun and speculative, not finger-pointing or down-playing people for their beliefs.

              There are religious people who look at proof of evolution from scientists and believe in Creation. People are allowed their beliefs without it being a personal insult to the career of another.

        2. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

          I’m late but a huge problem for me with cryptids, and particularly large ones like yeti or bigfoot is the complete lack of remains. I don’t care how hidden people think these creatures are, someone somewhere would have found/dug up at least one dead one by now.

    18. Triple Anon*

      I think a lot of stories about ghosts and cryptids have mundane explanations.

      Cryptids – Dehydration, lack of sleep, hunger and over exertion can cause people to hallucinate or just perceive things inaccurately. When you’re out in the woods, there’s a lot to look at. I think some cryptid stories are just from people seeing things when they need to rest and get some electrolites and a good meal. I think it’s unlikely that there are cryptids because with all of the cameras and human encroachment on previously undisturbed areas, we should have more evidence by now. They’d be showing up on Google Earth. But who knows. There could be some rare undiscovered species somewhere.

      Ghosts – A lot of “spooky sounds” are actually rodents or old houses settling. Rats, possums, squirrels and raccoons make eerie noises in houses at night. They enter silently, knock things over or remove small objects, and can leave without much of a trace. They can make weird knocking sounds. Or weird human-like noises. But I think ghosts as in lingering energy could be real. I think there is a lot that science hasn’t documented yet. We should keep an open mind.

      1. Triple Anon*

        PS – I think we have a natural, “Agh! Creepy!” reaction to signs of wild animals sharing our living space, and when it isn’t obvious that it’s an animal, we tend to think of ghosts and other supernatural things. The fear reaction is an instinctive response, and I think we have that instinct because these animals so pose a threat to us. They carry diseases.

    19. Tara2*

      I don’t believe in ghosts at all, but I still like ghost stories. They’re just creepy and fun. I am also super interested in ghost science, like all the psychological/physiological reasonings for ghost sightings that possibly explain how they happen, for example infrasound. Super interesting.

  4. Lcsa99*

    I thought it might be fun to do like a running story. Each person will write just one or two sentences to build onto the story. I’ll start!

    It was a dark and stormy night, and Fergus, Bronwyn and Bob were sitting on Bob’s couch, watching a movie, when suddenly the doorbell rang. 

    1. fposte*

      “Pizza, pizza!” yelled Fergus excitedly, starting toward the door. “But nobody ordered pizza,” Bronwyn pointed out suspiciously.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      “I don’t care! It sounds good anyway,” responded Bob. I hope it’s peperoni.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      But when Bob opened the door, it wasn’t a pizza delivery at all.

      1. Lcsa99*

        “Hi, I’m the local Avon lady,” the smiling brunette exclaimed, shoving her way past Bob.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          “Sorry, I don’t fall for multi-level marketing schemes,” said Bob. “But she’s hot,” protested Fergus.

          1. Roseberriesmaybe*

            Bronwyn came to the doorway and crossed her arms. “What is she doing out on a night like this anyway?” she murmured to herself

            1. bunniferous*

              All of a sudden the sound of someone else pounding furiously on the door was heard.

              1. Lcsa99*

                The Avon lady grabbed Bob’s arm. “I’m not really an Avon lady, that’s my boyfriend, and I’m trying to hide from him!”

                1. Thursday Next*

                  Bob reflexively pulled the Avon lady who wasn’t into the house, and slammed the door. “Bronwyn, call the police!” Bob said.

                  “No, you don’t understand,” said the woman.

    1. fposte*

      The question was “How did Bob get around to the door with the pizza when he’d been sitting on the couch with the other two?” :-)

      1. tangerineRose*

        Bob had a friend bring a pizza and knock on the door, and while the others were wondering whether to get it or not, he ran around the back and grabbed the pizza :)

  7. Liz*

    This is what happens when you post at the same time, laughed Fergus. We need a better group writing platform!

    1. Ktelzbeth*

      Yup. Me too. The story will be like the multiple universes (I think) theory by the end of the weekend. Every time a decision is made, a new universe spins off.

    2. StudentA*

      I’m obsessed with breakfast food. I hope you guys had a great time :) Did you get some quality girl-talk time?

  9. Guy in Japan*

    Just a random request for opinions: what do you think about vaguely racist requirements for public services? Summarizing a long story, in Japan most people have black hair, and most people that dye their hair dye it brown. Pretty much all schools ban dyed hair. My daughter, being half-Caucasian, takes after me and has brown hair, in just the shade that is popular to dye. Basically every school in Japan requires a abnormal-colour registration(tagei sho mei sho) in that case, which the kid has to carry and show to the teacher during the monthly hair inspections. I find that unacceptably racist, and am opposed to even talking about it, but most locals say that it’s just the price of being out of the norm. On the one hand, it’s relatively minor, and incomparable to racism in the west, but on the other hand, it’s my daughter, and I’m not happy about even minor things. So, as she is still too young to go to schools where that happens, but I know it will, I was wondering what other people (who don’t live here) would do. Accept it as a local culture thing, go full-on angry parent, or some sort of thoughtful compromise?

      1. Engineering consultant*

        In Asia, it’s pretty common for elementary, middle, and high schools to have strict dress codes, hair included. When I was in high school you weren’t allowed to dye your hair or have it cut in “strange forms” (aka mohawks, fades, etc) or else the disciplinary officer(s) would just shave it off for you. Back in my parents’ day, girls weren’t allowed to even have long hair, shoulder length was apparently pushing it.

        @Guy in Japan – I think you’re going to have to accept it as a local culture thing. Unless you want to make a big fuss and your daughter will be known as “that one with the obnoxious parent.” It does suck that Japanese culture is so homogeneous and not very accepting of other cultures living in their country but if you make a big fuss it’s not going to end well for your daughter. She’s already different by being biracial and do you want her to stand out (in a bad way) more in a collectivist society?

    3. Julia*

      Hello, fellow white guy in Japan! I don’t have kids (yet), but I did read about a recent outrage when a naturally brunette girl had to dye her hair black. I agree with you that Japan has a huge problem accepting diversity, but I also guess that a foreigner (that’s what we are here, and that’s how the school will see you, I’m afraid) complains about it. What does your daughter’s mother say about all this? Could she go in and complain?

        1. Guy in Japan*

          Yeah, I linked to that article, it’ll come through in a bit. That’s what started off that question, I didn’t know about it before. My wife didn’t either, and when I told her about it, her first reaction was to move abroad. She hadn’t thought about it when it was other kids (she’s a teacher), but when it came home with our kid, it was a problem. We still haven’t decided what to do, really.

          Assuming you read Japanese, check out Sandra Heferin’s 日本在住ハーフの私の100のモンダイ, a manga-essay about mixed race people in Japan. It didn’t give any answers, but added some more worries.

          1. Julia*

            Thank you for the tip! I do read Japanese, so I might check it out when I’m done with my thesis.

            I also think I’d prefer to raise my kids abroad, but the truth is that they’ll probably face difficulties anywhere. Heck, I was bullied in my home country despite being as German as the other kids! And I do know half-Japanese kids who are thriving in Japan, it really depends on the school.

            Nonetheless, I hope you find an answer, or that by the same your daughter is of school age, the problem will have at least improved.

          2. ginkgo*

            Ha! I was going to recommend that exact book to you based on your post – I’m glad you’ve already read it. I’m ethnically half Japanese, but 100% American, and it took me about an hour to read each chapter with laborious use of a dictionary, but it was worth it. I can see how it would add to your worries as a parent, but I was amazed at how much the book made me feel seen by and connected to someone I hardly share a language, let alone a culture, with. Which is to say, whatever you end up doing, there’s community to be found, and I think that could be helpful to your daughter (and your family), knowing that you’re not going through this alone.

            “The price of being out of the norm” – how awful, as if your daughter chose this. :( Sorry you’re dealing with it.

          3. Buu*

            Are there any meetups in your area for expats living in Japan? Some of them may have older kids who have gone to the local schools and can tell you what they are like. Are open days a thing in Japan? Before you even enroll your kid there might be a chance to sound the school out.
            I guess you could also look into international schools?

      2. Elizabeth the Ginger*

        My former colleague is a black man. His wife is Japanese and they moved (back, for her) to Japan and are raising their child there. From what he’s posted on Facebook it sounds definitely challenging to raise a not-100%-ethnically-Japanese child there. He recently posted about how his daughter keeps a crayon in her own skin color for when she draws herself, because the school-issued crayons have a “skin color” crayon that doesn’t, of course, match her skin. He also said that this is seen as odd but accepted because the little girl is seen as a foreigner, despite her mother being Japanese and the child herself having lived the majority of her life in Japan.

    4. Anono-me*

      Maybe try to find one of tbe few schools that doesn’t care about hair color and send your daughter there.
      And yes I realize that might mean moving or paying for a private school; but in my experience where there is open and accept behavior, there is alot more discreet behavior.

    5. Chriama*

      I’m wondering why you consider this racism? The point is to prevent kids from dyeing their hair, which is enforcing a standard like uniforms. Racism would be forcing kids of another ethnicity to dye their hair black to “fit in”. I say this as a black woman about to head off to Japan for a year. I know there are all sorts of stereotypes to deal with, but I don’t think this is one of them. I can understand how it’s frustrating for your kid though!

      1. fposte*

        I think it’s one of those things that is more laden in one culture than another. The hair check doesn’t particularly trip my American trigger, but the official registration of somebody for being an ethnic minority definitely does. But, you know, when in Rome.

        1. neverjaunty*

          “When in Rome, quietly tolerate bad behavior directed at your child” maybe not the right saying?

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            When in Rome, realize that using your child to protest a social norm not seen as a problem by most people probably gets your kid kicked out of school, with some head-shaking about why foreigners move here and then try to get the original people to follow their rules.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Yeah, this here is where I’d come down. Like, it sucks. Maybe your preteen isn’t the right person around whom to organize a movement though?

              1. Falling Diphthong*

                Have you ever lived overseas?

                I have. You don’t get to wave around “Why in America, our rules are totally different!” and have anyone actually, like, care.

                If you are trying to reduce future therapy bills, I’d go for helping your kid to make friends in the community rather than use their tiny body to carry a social protest. To practice the respect for different people and traditions that you want others to apply to them. For an anecdote: American family lived in a place that had religion as part of the required curriculum in state schools. Ex-pat parent floated how things were going by agnostic 9 year old, who explained that he didn’t think challenging the teacher on religion would be kind, and the class was interesting as a cultural observation of different belief systems. Parent was glad he let the kid take the lead on whether there was anything to become het up over.

                1. fposte*

                  Suzanne Lucas, aka Evil HR Lady, has some really interesting stuff about the cultural negotiations of being expat parents.

                2. neverjaunty*

                  Yes, I’ve lived abroad, thanks. And I also understand that “submit meekly” and “start a crusade” are not the only two options available when dealing with less-than-stellar aspects of a different culture.

                3. Lissa*

                  How would you suggest going about it in a way that doesn’t come off as “your cultural values are wrong, be more Western”?

          2. Middle School Teacher*

            But it’s not directed at one kid. If I read the original post correctly, everyone gets inspected monthly to make sure everyone is following the rules. If that’s the rule, that’s the rule. It sucks but it is what it is.

            1. Gaia*

              For me, it isn’t the inspection that is problematic. It is the official registration of “people who are different.” That is …. really gross. And it doesn’t just impact “foreigners” since it is actually really quite possibly to have someone born and raised in Japan, to parents born and raised in Japan and end up with hair color that isn’t black. Common? No. Possible? Yes.

          3. fposte*

            But non-Western behavior isn’t the same thing as bad behavior. Treating it as if it were is pretty parochial, verging on colonialist. No culture is going to have only things in it that you like.

            Now that doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to protect your kid from situations of genuine suffering, cross-culturally or otherwise, but it’s also important to help your kid understand that things mean different things in different places.

        2. Grad Student*

          I think the “official registration of somebody for being an ethnic minority” is where this becomes racist (even if only minorly so). Yes, the point is to enforce a dress code that anyone can comply with, but kids who look a certain way have to jump through extra hoops to comply. Imagine if an American school had a rule that no one could get perms, they had hair texture checks to enforce this, and students with naturally kinky or curly hair had to carry a registration card stating this–that would be pretty clearly racist, right, even if the stated objective were something other than racial discrimination?

          1. Thlayli*

            This is the issue. It’s the registration and carrying a card that makes it racist and creepy, not the hair inspections. Why on earth can’t her teachers just be told that she has naturally brown hair and remember that? Especially in the early years when I can’t imagine they have many teachers at a time. Even if the inspectors aren’t the teachers, how hard is it for the school to have a list of the kids names and natural hair colours, and give that to the inspector, instead of making a 6-year-old responsible for carrying a registration card?

        3. Elizabeth the Ginger*

          Ancient Rome itself was very diverse, with people from all over the empire living in the city. Certainly there were Roman standards of behavior that citizens were supposed to follow, but physical diversity based on racial characteristics wouldn’t have gotten you labeled as “not Roman.”

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I would agree. This is a Thing in Japan. I agree with fposte. This is a when in Rome moment.

      3. Mephyle*

        The thing is that kids with non-Japanese or partly non-Japanese ancestry have in some cases been forced to dye their hair black.

      4. Julia*

        Actually, there was a case when they forced a girl to dye her hair black. As a foreigner in Japan, I get that we have to do it their way, but I mean, we also pay taxes etc. so maybe we don’t have to accept everything?

      5. Guy in Japan*

        I agree that the point is to prevent dyeing hair, and have no problem with that, but the method is to assume that everyone has black, straight hair (and a certain complexion and skin colour, etc). I don’t like that my daughter has to prove that she is not one of the bad kids just because of her natural hair colour. The bigger problem behind it is, as some people here have said too, there is the assumption that all Japanese people are the same, which in turn says that my daughter is not Japanese, even though she is mixed-race, was born here, and has only lived here. I was the first American in my family (European immigrant parents), and I remember how the jokes about not really being American or belonging here didn’t feel very good, even if it was all in fun and I laughed along.

        My (Japanese, teacher) wife’s first reaction was that it was illegal, and if we didn’t fight it we should think about leaving the country. The whole thing has come about because each board of education explicitly refuses to set a standard for hair colour and the like, leaving it up to the schools. The schools have to deal with parents and locals who don’t like students with dyed hair, so they set strict rules. They are forbidden by national law from not educating someone, but any court case would take longer than the kid would need to graduate, and turn the community against them, so no one does anything. That’s not a criticism, I’m not going to either, I am just looking for options and opinions, especially ones for people outside of Japan.

        Very tangentially, where in Japan are you going? We’re in Gifu, which while very rural is lovely.

        1. Elizabeth the Ginger*

          “… says that my daughter is not Japanese, even though she is mixed-race, was born here, and has only lived here.”

          Yes, this is what makes it so different from “when in Rome.” This isn’t the same as a visitor being told “well, you’re a tourist, so you need to abide by the rules here and also accept that people will treat you like a tourist.” Nor is this a question of your daughter behaving according to cultural norms, like calling her teachers by the appropriate honorific or taking off her shoes. Her hair is an innate part of her, and making membership in the in-group dependent on physical characteristics that are linked to race *is* racist.

        2. Julia*

          Oh, my friends with the biracial (German and Japanese, one of them disabled as well) kids live in Gifu and apparently really like the school there. Maybe you’ll be lucky?
          I wish you all the best and that the stuff system here is overhauled soon. Not for me as a foreigner so much as for the Japanese kids themselves – almost all my Japanese friends have some sort of complaint about the system, and a lot of those who speak English or another foreign language just go to schools or work overseas.

    6. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

      Wait, Japan does that too? My school dress code heavily policed hair for primary school kids. You could get told off for unnatural hair color or length, lice or being unkempt. I was forced to wear head bands during third and fourth grade because my hair likes to get in front of my face.

      1. Julia*

        Even in Germany during the nineties, so not too long after the end of the German Democratic Republic, I was yelled at in school for “wild” hair. My father didn’t care about hair (my mother worked) and I guess brushing wavy hair into submission when you’re supposed to comb it gently is not helpful.

        But at least no one told me I had the wrong hair color…

    7. LilySparrow*

      Why would they have to keep showing it to the teacher? Do they get a new teacher every month?

      That’s the part that’s a head-scratcher to me. Don’t the teachers recognize their own students? Why do they need to “inspect” anything?

      School bans hair dye. Wierd but ok. Student brings parental note at the start of the year saying “nope, that’s her natural color.” Done and done.

      If somebody dyes their hair, you’re going to see it, aren’t you? Because otherwise what’s the point?

      So to me, it’s not the idea of banning hair dye but the totally unnecessary theater of it that seems gross.

      1. matcha123*

        The students have one teacher throughout the year. My guess is that since the OP’s kid is in a private school, they do monthly inspections to make sure that kids aren’t getting their hair permed or dyed. However, most schools seem like they are OK with straight perms, but not perms that curl the hair. Basically, if you are dying your hair, you can’t redye it monthly and your roots will show, exposing the rule breaking. The note is probably a formality to show other students that this kid with the different hair is not being treated better than the other kids.
        At a private school, they can and will expel students for breaking what would be seen as trivial rules in the US. And in Japan teachers are kind of like parents to the students and the schools are way up in to students’ private lives. If a student commits a crime, the media always interviews the classroom teacher and principal.

        1. LilySparrow*

          But that’s my point. Why do you need to “insoect” to make sure a kid doesn’t have a curly perm or bleached their hair?

          You would instantly see that the second they walked into class. I mean if the kid did a perm the day *after* inspection day, would the teacher pretend they couldn’t see it for a whole month?

          1. matcha123*

            My guess is that it’s to prevent perms and dye jobs that look natural but aren’t. If a kid came in with bleached hair, they’d be sent home and told to stay until they dye their hair back to black.
            Personally, I understand your line of thinking. But, this is Japan and Japanese schools teach Japanese kids how to be Japanese. And in Japan, being Japanese means that you look and act like those around you.
            As an example, more kids have food allergies than a decade or more ago. Most public schools that serve a school lunch make that the ONLY lunch option. Everyone eats the same thing. If you are a kid with allergies, and I’ve seen local media cover this, then your parent (mom) has special permission to prepare a meal that looks exactly like what everyone else is eating and can be eaten off the same trays. Schools that have a lot of kids with allergies can have specially prepared meals delivered, with the meals being an altered version of what the rest of the class eats.
            In my mind, that’s a huge waste of time. But people her put priority on people not being different or standing out. People don’t want to make accommodations for kids from different backgrounds if they can avoid it.

      2. Lillie Lane*

        Yeah, I don’t get it either. If you are a teacher and know Susie has naturally brown hair, why is this an issue with the hair inspections? You can still inspect her hair, but expect it to be brown.

    8. matcha123*

      I’m in Japan. Does your kid go to a private school? That sounds more like a private school kind of thing. Honestly, Japan is very resistant to being seen as a multiracial/multicultural country and many people don’t want to be seen as catering to outsiders. In the minds of supporters, the rules are rules that everyone, even 100% Japanese students, have to follow.
      If a Japanese person has curly or light hair, which does happen!, they have to prove it themselves. The school board/school is not going to change for you and if you go in fighting, you might make things worse for your kid. Luckily, you’re a foreign white male, so you might be able to do it if you wanted to. If you were female, I’d say to leave it. You don’t want your kid ostracized because all your “mama-tomo” decided you were going full on gaijin smash.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        From what I have heard/read your first paragraph is an understatement as to how deeply ingrained the thinking is. I am glad that you mentioned this here. I heard a few stories of Americans being totally baffled (at best) by the differences in cultures.

        1. matcha123*

          Americans really value independence and freedom of choice in general. And in Japan, in general, people seem to be comforted by following the same rules, looking the same, being treated the same, etc.
          Many people are also very resistant to challenging their thinking on topics that they consider basic or general knowledge.

          1. Lissa*

            this is a really interesting topic and seeing the variety of responses here is kind of enlightening – there are some responses here that seem to immediately take the tack that the American way is better, and I mean…something like this wouldn’t fly in North America at all and would likely be the subject of outrage. I think a lot of how much to push back would be based on how distressed the child involved is, personally – cause yeah there’s a point where it does come off as “our culture is better, be more like us”…

      2. Guy in Japan*

        Sorry, I should have been clearer. My daughter is only 4 now, so she won’t have to deal with it for at least another 2 years, maybe 8 years. I was thinking about it now, because we are considering whether it would be best to raise her here or in a different country. Also, this is about public schools, not private. Private schools can force the kids to do more, but most public schools still have the registration and the checks.

        I wasn’t going to fight it just to prove a point, but if my daughter wants me to, I want to have a solid standpoint to discuss with the teachers. If we stay here, my plan now is to do the registration thing, cooperate, and be friendly, but tell the teacher that they can’t push it so much that my daughter complains to me.

        1. matcha123*

          I highly doubt that your daughter would want you to. She’s going to stand out either way. She can have the card and possibly laugh about it with her friends, or she can have a parent at the school all the time. And what you’ll most likely get from the teachers is a bunch of “muzukashii” and “Please understand” and things like that.
          You don’t really have standing to tell the teacher to make sure they don’t do something that makes your daughter complain. Even if they agree to appease you, the whole school might label you as a “monster parent”. I’m thinking worst case scenario here. I don’t know where you live, but I was living in the “inaka” (huge population by American standards, but not Tokyo) until recently. I saw a lot of mixed kids in public schools, many of them with natural hair. For some of them, that meant curly, or frizzy, or lighter. The parents of mixed kids and foreign non-Asian kids brought up in Japan never brought up hair with me. If the public schools in that area did have those checks, it doesn’t seem like they left a bad taste in the mouths of the students or their parents.

        2. Sugihara*

          What about the other deficiencies of Japanese education? Hair is probably the least of your problems.

        3. Mad Baggins*

          In my experience, teachers in rural areas (especially primary school) could certainly remember which kids naturally had what hair/dietary restrictions/learning styles/needs. I never witnessed a hair check or registration card in public school, but one (fully Japanese as far as I know) student had naturally brown hair and I never saw anyone comment on it after the first month or so (and from what I’ve seen it’s mostly junior high that is strict about uniforms, high school/primary was pretty lax). That certainly doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen though and I don’t mean to discount your experience/fears, but to offer more data points for your reference.

          If I were to raise a hafu child in Japan I would look at a broader stance to take on my child’s education and cultural upbringing, not just tackle it policy by policy. I would make sure my spouse and I were on the same page about what kind of messaging we want to send to teachers/friends/strangers/the child, how important it is that the child speak both languages/be bicultural and how we would encourage that, and including the child herself in decision-making as she got older. And part of that policy would be cultivating strong relationships with her teachers/friends’ parents/community leaders so that you have some goodwill when you want to push back and have them make an exception for her (whether it’s her hair, or letting her read her own English books during English class instead of having to participate, or letting her skip mandatory club activities afterschool so she can go to an English class that will challenge her, etc.)

          I think your concerns are pretty common among people raising third-culture children, so perhaps there are some FB groups or societies you could connect with about international families in Japan that would give you good scripts (in Japanese!) to deal with all kinds of situations. (And as to moving to the US… that won’t clear you from racist policies, just switch which half you gotta worry about…)

    9. Justme, The OG*

      I just dyed my mixed race daughter’s hair purple. I think that may be all I need to say about that.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      In the Muslim fasting for Ramadan thread someone in Malaysia(?) posted about needing to show their government issued ID, giving their not-Muslim religion, so they could order food during the day. Generally I would say that when living where English common law derived legal codes are not a thing, you are more likely to change small corners of local culture rather than the nation as a whole. I would go first with accepting local culture, while being generally visible at her school so they grasp that it’s the natural hair color and this only comes up rarely, rather than monthly. If it’s possible, a school or neighborhood where hair color is less important can make that easier.

      1. WS*

        I get your overall point, but Malaysia does have English common law derived legal codes, among others!

      2. Margaret*

        That’s ridiculous, considering there are MANY health conditions that prevent you fasting during Ramadan, and women are not to fast when they have their periods.

    11. Nacho*

      It’s completely racist, but everything I’ve heard about Japan tells me it’s not a rock-the-boat kind of place when it comes to this kind of thing, and that making a stink about it will just earn your daughter enemies. Just accept it as a local culture thing for your daughter’s sake, if not your own.

      1. Former Employee*

        I don’t see it as being racist since all of the Japanese kids have their hair inspected, too.

        1. Nacho*

          Do the Japanese kids need certificates proving they didn’t die their hair black? Or is their hair assumed natural, unlike white kids?

    12. Beatrice*

      I was a kid whose parents protested generally-accepted rules at school. (For religious reasons in the US, not the same as your reasons or place.) It made me an outcast at school, which made me resentful, but it also made me an adult who is not afraid to question or defy authority over things I disagree with, so I learned something!

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Yeah, I was too, but it didn’t really make me feel like challenging authority any more than I have to; my takeaway was really that I wanted to choose my hills to die on carefully, because I might really be called to die on them. I wound up changing schools after only a year and getting sent to a private religious school, because of the year-long battle between my parents and the school admin.

    13. Triple Anon*

      I would let your daughter take the lead here since it’s her education and her hair. I agree with others that it is racist because she has to register as a minority and that fighting it could cause additional problems for her. So I think the alternate route is to talk to her about it and support her in whatever she chooses to do.

      I don’t have kids, but I dealt with discrimination at school for other reasons (not ethic, but physical differences, socioeconomic background, and not having been born in that city). It was helpful when adults listened and were supportive in a nonjudgmental way – pointing out that the school was doing something wrong and letting me choose to respond to it. It was not helpful when adults tried to get involved because they weren’t there all day and didn’t understand the nuances.

      Also, looking back on it, befriending other kids who were considered “different” made a huge difference. We were dealing with similar things and we supported each other even if we didn’t come right out and say it. (When you’re 12, it’s easier just to bond over music and then say, “This school sucks,” than to call things what they are and address the social issues, haha.) So I’d err on the side of supporting her choices of friends. That’s a really valuable thing.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding let your daughter take the lead, and decide whether something is a problem for which she needs you to to go to bat.

        I have an anecdote upthread about a secular American family in an area that required religious education, and their young kid had a very mature “it doesn’t hurt me at all to sit through this class, and I learn some stuff” response. I also recall an essay from a mom who was attempting to be het up about the new dress code at her kids’ school which would crush their individual expression, but her kids absolutely refused to feel oppressed, or assign to fashion the truest expression of their selves.

        1. Ann O.*

          Was the young kid in a public school? Because if it was a private, fine. But if it was public, it doesn’t really matter whether the young kid minded or not, and the attitude wasn’t intrinsically mature. It is still wrong for a public school to enforce religious education, and it’s not more mature/less mature for a kid to mind or not mind.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            It was a public school, I believe in Germany or somewhere nearby and teaching Lutheranism as part of the national curriculum. His American parents could of course have gone into the school director and said “As Americans living here we want you to change the curriculum, because things are different in America” but, you know, they weren’t in the US, so they realized that citing the US Constitution wasn’t going to change anything.

      2. Ursula*

        Website seems to have eaten my original comment.

        I went to uni in Japan. I am a white European with a hair colour that is unusual even in my country though people would still recognise it as natural (dark red if any one is wondering a weird hybrid between ginger and chocolate brown). My uni had a dress code it was relatively relaxed no tattoos, no piercings except ears, no unnaturally died hair (Japanese dying their hair brown was fine but anything more extreme wasn’t allowed), as there are plenty of blonde Caucasians my brunette classmate who always dyed her hair blond got away without ever being questioned about her hair colour but I got pulled aside on the first day and told I wasn’t allowed to dye my hair. I said it wasn’t dyed and the teacher said OK. But only because Japanese people don’t like confrontation. Then I got pulled into the head of the department’s office and told I couldn’t have dyed hair. I repeated my hair wasn’t dyed and it was always like this (true). In the end I had to agree I’d bring photos to prove my hair was always that colour and had to get my mother to post my (pre-digital camera) baby pictures before they would accept my hair is natural.

        On the plus side the fascination about my hair meant lots of Japanese people wanted to touch it so they came up to talk to me and I got plenty of conversation practice (and I met a lot of cute kids because they have less impulse control about grabbing a strangers hair). I agree talking to people is better though. I was in a smaller city in the suburbs so there weren’t many foreigners (and most of the exchange students were Chinese or Koreans not obvious foreigners) but I had polite conversations with old people at bus stops or small children on trains (several reached out and grabbed my hair because they wanted to have a look) and hopefully showed them foreigners can be polite and not scary.

        It is racist this system but my throwing a fit wasn’t going to change it and they weren’t actually trying to get my to change my natural colour (once they understood it was my natural colour no one was saying your not allowed to be a red head they didn’t realise that being a red head was a natural state for some white people). It isn’t quite the same as the schools that ban Afro hairstyles when for many POC children that is their natural hair.

        1. Thlayli*

          Random point – it sounds like your hair colour is auburn (pronounce aw-burn). Very common in Ireland, and not unusual in Scotland.

          1. Ursula*

            I’m British (specifically English) but I come from the North of England near the Scottish border so I know what auburn is my hair isn’t quite auburn its too deep red but I suppose for simplicity I could say auburn.

        2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

          Wow. How would that work if your hair had changed colors since you were a kid? I was born with black hair, I had light blonde hair with very blonde highlights as a kid, and now my hair is a little darker (kind of been a mix of brown/blonde most of my life, tended toward the blonde as a kid and tend toward the brown now).

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          My blond niece features in family photo albums all over southern China.

          1. Is It Spring Yet?*

            You want a taste of fame: take a blonde child to Taipei. Blonde curls plus a food obsession and my son now has 1,000 new aunties.

            Thats a lovely city to travel with a small kids. Miles beyond the pain of San Francisco.

    14. Dee*

      What do you think you’re going to achieve by going full angry-parent, apart from calling more attention to the fact your child is different? (Of course maybe that’s all you’re going for, in which case you do you.)

    15. Ursula*

      Is the certificate spelled 多芸証明書? Because it if it is that literally means multi-cultural certificate (I don’t know if you speak Japanese or not you might already know this). So I think it is a bit racist if you have to show a certificate to show you are a foreigner (or of an ethnic minority).

      I went to a university that had rules on hair. Not as strict as this dying your hair brown was allowed but unnatural colours (like purple, blue, etc) were not. I have quite dark red hair , my hair is unusual in my own country but no one would assume it wasn’t natural especially as my mother, sisters and cousins all have the same hair colour. The admins in the exchange student office did not believe it was natural. In the end I had my mother post over my baby pictures (digital cameras were expensive when I was a baby so she only had developed photos) to prove my hair had always been this colour.

      1. Guy in Japan*

        他毛証明書 or　登録書, meaning different hair registration, literally speaking.

        1. Ursula*

          I see that’s not quite so bad…ah the joys of Japanese words with the same yomikata but different kanji.

    16. DArcy*

      You’re blowing things way out of proportion: it’s a perfectly normal school dress code, there’s nothing racist about it, and you will make yourself look extremely foolish and disrespectful if you raise a fuss.

  10. Ktelzbeth*

    Adult diagnoses of ADHD and medications

    I was at a talk the other day on various mental health diagnoses and found that I hit quite a number of the characteristics for adult ADHD, probably inattentive subtype, though I am quite fidgety. Later in the week, I talked to my therapist, who said that she could see it and that she often works with children with ADHD. We talked about behavioral techniques for management, because it does bother me, but discovered that I had picked up most of them on my own. Not surprising, because I am a educated professional, so I had to figure out some way to keep myself in order. I’m thinking about medications, now, but part of me doesn’t want a medication for my brain. It’s inconsistent (I’m already on an antidepressant) and hypocritical (because I tell other people that it’s okay), but that’s how I feel.

    So, the question. Adults with ADHD, what have been your experiences with medications and were you diagnosed and treated first as an adult or as a child?

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      I was first treated as an adult in college. Then a psychiatrist told me I didn’t have ADHD so for the next decade I didn’t get treatment. I did my PhD without treatment, though it was extremely difficult. Then about a year and a half ago I found a new psychiatric nurse, who agreed that I have ADHD, and gave me medication.

      I know what the behavioral management techniques are, but for me they don’t work well without the support of medication. I prefer Adderall, because we understand how it works, and I do well on a pretty low dose. I was stunned by how much of a difference it makes when I take my Adderall.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I’m 46, I was diagnosed ADHD-combined subtype about 3 years ago. (Maybe 4? I’d have to look it up, because chronology is one of my brain holes).

      I was a straight-A student until college, when I “slipped” to getting a few B’s. Where my executive function deficits show up are in routine life-maintenance stuff, like keeping house, making healthy lifestyle choices, keeping financial records up to date, that kind of thing. I also get sensory overload and have problems arriving on time.

      So as I moved through life and my priorities and responsibilities shifted from school and career (where periodic hyperfocus pays off) to family, community, and self-care (where you need consistency in tedious things), the wheels came off. A family situation that resulted in seven years of chronic extreme stress & sleep deprivation probably didn’t do my brain function any favors, either.

      I started taking a low dose of slow-release Adderall, and it’s very helpful in some ways. I can grocery shop without becoming utterly exhausted. I can decide it’s time to get off Facebook and write that article that’s due tomorrow, and *actually do it*. I can answer questions from my kids while cooking dinner, without feeling like I’m being attacked by a flock of seagulls. I remember that I need to use the GPS before I start driving, and hear the instructions, instead of forgetting to turn it on or using it and tuning it out. I finished my second book, which had been languishing for a couple of years, and started succeeding at freelancing.

      These are some of the concrete benefits. There are drawbacks, too.

      I need a day or two off from the meds every week or 10 days, or it disrupts my sleep. I often “crash” when it wears off and need to go lie down or zone out for half an hour. I sometimes make excuses for bad habits, rationalizing that the meds will let me “power through” a busy day – but they don’t actually replace good sleep & exercise. I sometimes don’t have much appetite, so I eat too little during the day and rebound at night, which isn’t healthy.
      There’s a particular type of headspace for creative daydreaming that is harder to get to when the meds are working. So I kind of think of it as “fiction mode” and “nonfiction mode”. I mean, I can do both in either state, but it’s just a matter of what feels most natural.

      I guess the long and short of it is that the meds are a specific tool for a specific problem. They help your brain do what you *meant* to do. People with strong executive functions don’t understand how bewildering and frustrating it can be to fully intend to take a simple action, and the opposite happens. It’s like walking aphasia.

      The meds don’t make you not have ADHD. They don’t remove the need for behavioral coping skills. They make it easier to apply those skills, and temporarily help with the things you can’t behave your way out of (like poor sensory gating).

      I highly recommend the book “Smart but Scattered”. It’s got a very helpful self-assessment to clarify what particular deficits you may be dealing with. Some of them (like task initiation and working memory) respond better to meds than others.

      1. Tau*

        I have Asperger’s, not ADHD, but want to hug this line: People with strong executive functions don’t understand how bewildering and frustrating it can be to fully intend to take a simple action, and the opposite happens. It’s like walking aphasia.

        No meds for AS-induced executive dysfunction to my knowledge, but I think what made the most difference to my quality of life was slowly understanding how my brain worked and what actions would have what effects (or, y’know, lack of effects). Basically, I had to stop trying to do things by just “meaning” to do them without setting myself an alarm, chaining it onto another task or something along those lines. It’s bizarre and entirely counterintuitive because at the point where you mean to do X you fully intend to and are fully convinced that X will indeed happen. Learning to work around that took me years, and it still sometimes smarts to talk to people with good executive function who don’t get it.

        1. seewhatimean*

          Can you talk to me more about this? My life is a maze of half finished good intentions and I don’t know if it’s a problem or a “just me” thing I haven’t had diagnosed.

          1. LilySparrow*

            The thing is, ADHD is a collection of normal human traits that everyone has sometimes, but at an intensity or frequency that interfere with major life functions.
            There are lots of people who have strong ADHD tendencies, but they have developed coping skills or arranged their lives in such a way that it’s not bothering them.

            Check out some of the books recommended above.

            Sometimes an experience of “the opposite happens” could be described colloquially as a “brain fart:” I’ll intend to leave a note for my husband about some household thing, and I’ll start writing the lyric of a song that’s stuck in my head. Just enough to mess up the first letter of the first word, but it’s disconcerting.

            Sometimes it’s more dramatic, like I’ll be on my way to a dentist appointment, get preoccupied with my thoughts, and realize I’ve driven 20 minutes in the wrong direction, because my “autopilot” was driving to my GP’s office instead.

            Once, I was making changes to a document for my boss from his handwritten notes. He was very particular so I was being extra-careful. I double-checked every page three times before handing it back. And I still missed an entire page of notes somehow. My eyes looked at it, but it didn’t register.

            These sorts of silly mistakes can happen to anyone on occasion, especially if you’re tired or stressed. But when they are a normal part of your life, to the point that coping with them takes up a significant amount of time every day, it’s worth talking to a doctor.

            After I was diagnosed & started seeing these issues differently, I realized one reason why it didn’t bother me when I was single and lived alone: I just had more time. If it took me four hours to get ready to go, I could do that without impacting anyone else. I don’t have that luxury anymore.

            1. seewhatimean*

              Is this something that can worsen over time, or is it something that is kind of “set”. Forgive questions that are ignorant or seem insensitive…I’m not even sure what is normal.

              Recently I have had memory testing done because I was having things happen where I was missing memories of doing or not doing something rather frequently. The memory testing seems like it would be very bad at capturing focus based memory issues, because of course when you know you’re being tested, you stay focussed more than in a daily routine situation.
              I’ll have a look at the books.

              Thank you!

              1. WS*

                My partner has ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until her early 30s. It’s very common for girls and women to be diagnosed much, much later than boys and men, and often after struggling in a new situation like starting university or starting a new job (or promotion) where the old coping strategies are not working or even harmful. Stress from any source can also worsen symptoms as can physical (or other mental) illnesses – basically anything that gets in the way of the massive amount of energy it was taking to manage normal life.

              2. LilySparrow*

                I’ve definitely always been wired this way – I was a wierd kid who blurted out non-sequiturs, was always a “slob,” for example.

                But I wouldn’t have been screened as having a “disorder,” even by today’s standards, because it didn’t keep me from doing what I needed to do as a kid. It’s a disorder for me *now*, because I don’t have a mom and teachers creating structure in my days and years. I’m the mom and I’m supposed to create structure for myself and others. So I need outside help to do that.

                I think my symptoms have gotten worse than they were 10 years ago. That could be accumulated tiredness & stress, or other health issues. It could also be hormonal. Midlife hormone changes (which is about where I’m at) are known to affect memory and focus.

          2. Tau*

            So the way this works for me is, basically, that there’s a disconnect between thinking I’m going to do something and actually doing it. The best analogy I’ve seen for this is that it’s like a car where the connection between the gas pedal and the engine is broken. So I’ll think “I’m going to get up now to cook dinner” and… nothing happens. I think “no, really, I’m hungry, I need to start cooking!” and… nothing happens. “I want to get up now!” …nothing happens. In the extreme form it feels vaguely like paralysis, that my body is just not obeying what I want it to do.

            Apparently this is most commonly a symptom of depression, and I do have some issues with that. I’m pretty sure it’s also an AS thing for me, though, because I have this problem to some extent no matter how well I’m feeling otherwise – and I’ve spoken with other people on the spectrum with the same sort of issue.

            I deal with it a lot better now than when I was younger. The main trick to it is that, basically, this doesn’t happen if I think the world is going to end if I don’t get up now. That’s a bit of an extreme way to phrase it but is sort of how I think of it – I need to do something to make getting up the only possible viable action and staying still completely inconceivable. The instant there’s some sort of idea of multiple options there, problems occur. This is why, counterintuitively, how much I want to do something has little bearing on whether I manage to do it; the deciding factor is the level of disaster! apocalypse! that would occur if I didn’t. So I go to work every day because I know not showing up would be disaster! apocalypse! – but I have a super hard time getting out to have fun in town on weekends, because staying in all day has no real consequences apart from me being frustrated. “More willpower!” also doesn’t help – in the broken car analogy, it basically feels like pressing down the gas pedal really hard.

            Over the years, I’ve worked out ways to artificially put myself into the “you must do X because otherwise the WORLD WILL END” mindset. This is why timers work pretty well for me now but didn’t for years and years – I’ve basically supplemented timers with an internal rule of “when your timer goes off you MUST get up and do something else for X minutes” and as long as I manage to hold on to that I can use alarms to get myself out reasonably well. I’ve managed some spectacular improvements in my life that way – for the past month my flat has been clean and tidy when I spent over a decade before living in chaos and filth, I’ve managed to write at least 300 words a day for the past six months when I spent years trying to write regularly and failing… it’s been pretty amazing! The main important thing to keep in mind for me, though, is that the underlying problem is still there and won’t go away. It’s easy to get carried away with success and assume I can manage to get things done without the external structure, but although it’s true that momentum can help (if I’m generally doing very well and getting out loads, it’s a lot more likely that just thinking “I want to do X now” will be successful) it’s absolutely not safe to rely on that.

            1. LilySparrow*

              That’s really interesting. For me, high emotional stakes tend to paralyze me more. Like, if I’m trying to restart the habit of working out, the last thing I should do is try to psych myself up with how crucial it is. That just makes me freeze up so it’s impossible.

              I have to make it as easy and low-key as possible, grease the skids, so to speak.

              Now, as far as those instances where my brain just goes “flooey” in the middle of something – I don’t necessarily have any tricks for that. I use GPS when I’m driving, even when I know the way. It reminds me where I’m going. I kinda wish I had that for other things, too!

    3. Nacho*

      Diagnosed as a kid, and been on and off medication for pretty much my whole life. I’ve found I much prefer to be off, since the medication makes it a lot harder to let my mind wander as much as I like. There’s absolutely a noticeable effect on your thoughts, and IMO you’re right to be worried about medication whose purpose is changing the way you think.

      That said, I’ve had to make peace with the fact that I’m not especially suited for some jobs because of my ADHD, and probably had a lot of trouble in college because of it. If your life’s dream is to have the kind of job where you absolutely have to pay attention to something for hours on end, medication might be a necessary evil.

    4. anonagain*

      If you don’t want to take meds, you don’t have to.
      You can also try them and stop if you don’t like them. Depending on the type of med, you don’t have to take them every day if you don’t want to. (Talk to you doctor about that.)
      You can decide against meds now and change your mind later. Or you can decide to revisit the question in 6 months.

      Medication is helpful for lots of people, but it’s your brain and your body. There are always other strategies to try (even if the strategy is just learning not to be bothered by some of the things that don’t really matter). I really like Dr. Hallowell’s books on ADHD treatment/management. He has it himself and he specializes in treating it, so he takes a very positive, affirming approach. He talks about meds and addresses lots of common concerns. (There are other things I don’t like about the books, but I think they are really useful on the whole.)

      If I were in your position, I would go talk to the doctor and just learn about what meds they would recommend and try to talk through my concerns. I think weighing options is easier when you know what your options actually are.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes, my doctor said she chose my med specifically so I could try it and stop it if it didn’t help. My psychiatrist also said he has inattentive subtype, and he wasn’t able to find a med that helped him at all, so he doesn’t take anything anymore.

        I know with my med at least, it wears off every day and doesn’t start “building up” in my system with hold over effects for about a week or two. I know if I stopped it entirely, I’d probably have a few days of feeling “spacier” than usual, but nothing serious. Other types of meds need to be tapered, so definitely talk to your doctor.

    5. Tea, please*

      Thanks for bringing this up. A past therapy brought up the potential of AH/HD and 5 years later… I’m finally taking this suggestion seriously.
      I have Dyslexia and AD/HD is co-morbid in about 50% of cases. But so is depression/anxiety. Which I’ve been treated for in the past. I don’t know how to figure out how to determine which is the primary reason I’ve been struggling so much.

    6. Lindsay J*

      I was diagnosed and treated starting in first grade.

      I’ve had a complicated relationship with meds. I took them because I was made to from 1st to 8th grade. I went off of them in 8th grade because I didn’t think I needed them, and wasn’t able to eat or sleep on them.

      I made it through high school okay.

      In college, I struggled more. I began to realize that I actually did have ADHD and wasn’t a victim of overdiagnosing or my parents wanting to shove pills in my mouth to make me behave, or any of the other things I heard and believed previously. (I mostly discovered this by working with someone else who was obviously very ADHD and noticing the same patterns of things. The food left in the microwave because we forgot about it, etc.

      I tried to go back on medication then, but the doctors there wouldn’t prescribe stimulant meds, and the non-stimulant types did nothing for me.

      And so I struggled on, and with my coping mechanisms I did okay.

      Until a couple years ago when things came to a head. I wound up in a desk job, and procrastinated so much I was afraid I was going to be fired any minute.

      I was driving my boyfriend nuts by not putting thing back, etc. And also with my inability to control my spending.

      I got into a car accident (which wasn’t my fault). I was summoned to appear as a witness regarding it. I somehow missed writing it down in my calander and forgot about it.

      So I went back to a psychiatrist. They put me on adderall, which helps a lot. It mostly just enables me to do things instead of being stuck in a loop of not-doing them forever. But I still have the issues with eating and sleeping on it.

      So now I’m seeing another psych (moved since then) and we’re trying other meds besides the Adderall. They also pointed out that despite me thinking that I had changed to mostly in-attentive type as I had gotten older, that I was likely still primarily the hyperactive type, but that hyperactive type presents differently in adults (and especially adult women) in things like impatience while driving, problematic spending, cutting people off in conversation, quickly changing the subject in conversations, etc.

      I’m currently waiting for the appointment to actually be prescribed the new meds.

      The medication doesn’t make me feel less like myself, or make me be more focused. (Actually one of my issues when unmedicated is hyperfocus, where I just like zone in on the internet and before I know it 5 hours have passed). It just makes me more able to switch tasks when I want to switch tasks, and more able to work on what I actually want to be doing vs the thing that has immediately drawn my attention.

    7. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I didn’t realize I had ADHD until I was in my late 20s. It was actually through reading comments about other people’s experience with ADHD; I knew the stereotypical ADHD behaviors but lacked the information about ADHD as a whole to see how my behavior really did fit into the ADHD spectrum. I was already seeing a psychologist so he diagnosed me with it when I asked about it (he did an official questionnaire, but he knew me already and a lot of my experiences in college and at work make a lot more sense when you add in the ADHD).

      He couldn’t prescribe it himself, but I started getting Adderall from my GP. Loved it. Worked great. Can’t get it here without way too much work that I don’t have the energy for, unfortunately, and I do miss it. I know I’d be better off if I could have it. I didn’t really have any side effects from it other than getting overheated more often for some reason. Caffeine also works really well for me (although not as well as Adderall), but it’s hard to find caffeinated drinks I actually like here, so I haven’t even really been able to have caffeine. :(

    8. Ktelzbeth*

      Thank you all for your comments. It helps to hear how other people have been helped and how some people (especially Tau) have worked with initiation problems. Those are huge for me! I am a doctor, so I understand the medication options pretty well, especially since I’ve prescribed some to my patients. Considering a diagnosis for myself is really different than giving it to someone else, though. I would never self-diagnose and prescribe; I’ll meet with my GP if I decide to talk about moving forward. I’ll look up the book suggestions as well.

    9. Kerr*

      30-something here. I’m in the process of being tested for inattentive ADHD, because I can’t seem to adult without effort. I’m late to work, late to sleep, and can’t seem to cross simple tasks off my to-do list without a motivating event or doing them in an (unplanned) burst of energy. Initially chalked it up to anxiety, but I’ve grown suspicious that it could be ADHD.

      (Unfortunately I think I don’t express myself well in therapy sessions. I wrote a giant rambling list of notes for myself, then brought a condensed version with me, and STILL didn’t cover all the symptoms I wanted to cover with the psychologist. They didn’t seem to ask what I expected them to, either.)

  11. Rosemary7391*

    … the slightly cheeky part of me wonders what would happen if she dyed it black?

    And the more sensible part wonders what they’re trying to do here and why it matters so much that they have monthly inspections and paperwork as a thing, rather than their teacher just saying “Hey, sort your hair” if a kid turns up with dyed hair.

    1. Julia*

      Because Japan really likes everyone to be the same.

      I guess the teacher saying “sort your hair” is the icky part – what if they don’t believe her that her hair isn’t dyed brown?

  12. nep*

    What do you regularly buy at the dollar store?
    Anything surprise you as far as great finds / quality?
    Me: Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, Pine Sol, dish soap, packs of note cards (surprisingly nice for a buck), toothpaste (because they always have the brand I like with baking soda & peroxide), napkins, shampoo, cotton swabs, occasionally fun balloons for the wee one.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      School supplies, chips, greeting cards, gardening/bbq/kitchen tools. Napkins and paper towels (but not toilet paper haha). Cotton swabs, spices sometimes.

      1. nep*

        I was just noticing the other day as I was waiting for balloons that there is an impressive selection of kitchen utensils; certainly going to check that out next time I need something along those lines.

        1. Knotty Ferret*

          I was just going to comment that I get silverware and spatulas there. They aren’t super fancy, but they usually have medium quality options sufficient for my needs.
          The dollar store is also the best source for the colorful rectangle rag rugs I like in the bathroom.

      2. nep*

        (For greeting cards–for me it’s Trader Joe’s all the way. Unique, nice, and always 99 cents.)

        1. Thursday Next*

          Me too! And conveniently located along the wall where the checkout line is located, giving me enough time to browse as I wait in line.

    2. Chriama*

      I bought $30 worth of picture books last Sunday. Why? I had some vague idea of using them in some of my tutoring sessions. I need to stop buying supplies before I know how I’m going to use them. It’s definitely a bit of a compulsion.

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      Glow in the dark stuff for camping! It keeps the kids entertained for hours. And the adults too.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Cookie tins at Christmas time. They’re becoming increasingly hard to find but sometimes the dollar store comes through! Also, tissue paper, which is very expensive in brand-name drugstores.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I scavenge gift bags from everyone at holidays and re-use them. I haven’t bought any in years.

          Paper goods are a bargain at dollar stores, usually. Napkins, etc. I don’t know if Big Lots could be considered a dollar store, but they tend to have various kinds of odd international food items, mostly European. I found Polish salad in a jar and I’ve never been able to find it anywhere else. I also found custard creams and Bourbon biscuits once. Yessssss, love me some custard creams.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes they have luffa bath sponges. One dollar is really cheap for that.
      I get canned fish, like mackerel for my dog. I like to have something in the house extra in case I run out and I can’t get to the store.
      I had given up on their regular batteries because the batteries just quit too soon. But I did get some button cells there that I like for my doorbell and my watch. The button cells seem to last a bit.
      Envelopes are good. The larger white envelopes actually cost more per envelope than say, Staples. But I don’t need a ton. A package of 40 will last me for years.
      I like to buy the wide clear tape also, I will stop just to get that when I need it. I can’t believe the prices on tape in other stores.
      Sometimes I hit odd stuff like a dollar store near me was selling a package of 18 eggs for a dollar last year. They ran that deal for months.

    7. Luisa in Dallas*

      Dollar Tree has frozen vegan items! – Jenifer’s Garden spring rolls and Chef Ernesto battered mushrooms and veggie burgers. I also usually purchase small jars of Pace Picante Sauce and individual pizza shells.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Does a Euro shop count? : – )

        I buy dehumidifiers (plastic container with absorbing pellets) as I have a damp problem and it seems to help. I once got some plastic in-trays which I suspect were being sold off because they are Barbie pink but sit quite happily next to my printer with supplied of paper all ready to go.

        And around Christmas time I got some nice decorations. They were little felt Santa Clauses on wooden sticks (think barbecue skewers) and reels of festive coloured ribbon.

    8. Pollygrammer*

      What’s the thing you’ve been most unsettled to see sold for a dollar? Because I think I would have to go with pregnancy test.

        1. seewhatimean*

          It’s true. Some of them are actually more sensitive than the common “name brand” ones. Basically if the control strip works (the one that shows as the single line if it’s negative) the test is working, and reliable. Just like with any of them!

        2. Thursday Next*

          I actually was in disbelief when I got my first positive, and asked the pharmacist what the most reliable brand was. She was very kind, though I realized later what a ridiculous question it was! They’re all the same.

          I did buy one of every brand that day, though. Same result.

    9. many bells down*

      It’s not quite a dollar store, but I love those Japanese spa washcloths that Daiso has. I wad it up and use it like a loofa and then stretch it out to wash my back.

      1. periwinkle*

        It’s a dollar fifty store, so maybe it counts? I rarely shop in dollar stores (just for disposable paper goods like gift wrap), but I loooooooooove Daiso. The canvas pencil cases are the perfect size to carry around tea bags + sweetener (for when I’m working offsite and thus am far from my usual supply), toothpaste + toothbrush, small cables, and other small items which shouldn’t be left rattling around loose in my backpack or suitcase. Half the decor on my work desk is from Daiso, including a small blackboard and some brightly colored liquid chalk markers. They’ve got the best price I’ve seen for the Botan rice candy I grew up eating and the Milkas which are my current candy preference.

        And the spa washcloths are awesome.

    10. Parenthetically*

      Surprising are bagged frozen fruit, of exactly the same brand as the grocery, for around 1/3 the cost. And hardcover books! Coloring/puzzle/activity books for kids are a great buy there too.

    12. Fiennes*

      Household cleaning products, toilet paper, paper towels, some OTC medications, garbage bags. It’s mostly the *exact same stuff* for crazy cheap.

    13. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Not the Dollar Store, but I picked this up at Goodwill for $4 yesterday!

      https://imgur.com/a/ec6MJyo

      (For context, I found very similar ones online without the brewery brand for $30, and I have 3 screw-cap growlers, and they can all go to hell now, because I’m in love with this one!)

    14. Thursday Next*

      Paper plates and cups for parties. Coloring books—that way it’s fine if Friday scribbles one line on each page and calls it a day.

    15. Emilia Bedelia*

      Dish sponges/scrubbers. I throw them out after a week or two so they don’t have to last long.

      I like to buy plastic trays/dishes to bring to potlucks. They look nicer than foil trays or plastic containers, and I can just leave them without worrying about getting my dish back.

    16. Phlox*

      Plastic storage tubs! I have learned that their water misting bottles are badly designed and worth spending a few extra bucks on the “fancy” home Depot kind. (who knew you could go wrong on them?!).

    17. MsChanandlerBong*

      Greeting cards, note cards, magnetic notepads, some kitchen utensils, brand-name snack foods, balloons. The greeting cards are the best buy–50 cents compared to $3 or more. If I really like somebody, I’ll spring for one of the fancy $1 cards. I do not buy cleaning products or household items (garbage bags, aluminum foil, etc.) there b/c the quality is poor and they often turn out to be more expensive than the brand name when you compare the cost per ounce/bag/etc. For example, the aluminum foil tears easily and really does not hold up when cooking/storing food. I also will not buy no-name food there, nor will I buy any of their refrigerated or frozen items. Every time I’ve tried, the frozen stuff is caked with ice crystals and just tastes “off.”

    18. Shannon*

      I just got a bunch of moving supplies there: markers, stickers, socks to stuff into glass items, foam plates.

      I bake a lot around the holiday and get my tins and gift bags there.

  13. Terri*

    I’m almost in my 30s and this is my first time living with roommates, which is embarrassing (not living with roommates, but being so “old” and not having all this roommate etiquette down yet). Anyway, I have a question. So, I live with 2 roommates, basically renting a room in the house one of them owns. She let’s us use her dishes, etc. which I assume is normal. I honestly hate the drinking glasses she has (she doesn’t have enough!) and I’m always tempted to buy more for myself, but… is it weird if I buy more drinking glasses? Can I just keep them in my assigned cupboard? I don’t mind if my other roommates use them, but there’s no room in her other cupboard where the mugs/glasses are kept. I feel so bizarre for asking this question, but I just don’t know ,ugh… i should have had roommates earlier in life.

    1. Julia*

      I think that’s totally fine. If anyone acts weird about it, which is unlikely, just say you prefer yours because they’re bigger or whatever.

    3. WellRed*

      I always tell new roommates to make themselves at home. While the kitchen is fully stocked ( and then some!) I tell them to bring their favorites and I move or get rid of some of mine. I won’t, however swap out big furniture or anything.

    4. Kathenus*

      In my experience the biggest problem in roommate situations is lack of communication. This is a great, low-stakes situation where you can just say to your roomies – “Hey, I’d like to buy some additional drinking glasses for the kitchen for us all – is that OK with everyone? Anywhere in particular you’d like them kept?” Hard to go wrong with asking the question, easier to do so by trying to guess what people want and acting based on your assumptions.

    5. Jane of all Trades*

      I think with something as minor as drinking glasses I’d just buy the ones I like and be done with it.
      If you feel so inclined, next time you see your roommates you can say something along the lines of “I noticed we only had 4 glasses so I bought some. Feel free to use them” but I don’t really see any risk of offending people by purchasing glasses.
      If it were something bigger, like furniture to be stored in a common area, I’d check in with my roommates before buying!

    6. Susan Sto Helit*

      My situation is different because the landlord isn’t actually living in the shared house with us – but I buy whatever I want for the kitchen, particularly it’s something I want/need that the house doesn’t have (and yes, I have bought plenty of drinking glasses). And it’s fine for my housemate to use them too.

      My strategy, though, is to always buy distinctive/brightly coloured stuff. That way, it’s clear what belongs to the ‘house’, and what’s mine, so that when I leave there isn’t going to be any confusion. If you’re hoping to ever live alone you’ll need things like drinking glasses eventually anyway, so you might as well just go ahead and choose some you like right now.

    7. Elizabeth H.*

      In all the roommate situations I’ve lived in the normal thing to do would be to buy glasses, put them in the cupboard, and also maybe the next time you and your roommate happen to be in the kitchen chatting say “Oh, I bought some more glasses! I put them in my cupboard bc there is room for them there but feel free to use them whenever you want!” It will be nbd at all. She might even say that she doesn’t really like her glasses either so she should put some of them away somewhere else to make room in the dish cabinet.

  14. nep*

    Did anyone watch any of the Pan American games/weightlifting last week? US brought home a handful of medals. CJ Cummings was 6 for 6 AND PUSH-JERKED ALL HIS JERKS (final one being 180kg). Amazing work from all.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I didn’t, but I follow Sarah Robles on instagram because I love her so, and was happy to see her crushing it again!

    2. nep*

      Finally saw Alyssa Ritchey’s clean & jerk that would have won her a medal. She was robbed, IMHO. Apparently the jury called a press-out but I do not see that at all. Of course, I’m watching it on a computer screen and not from all angles, but it looked like a perfect jerk to me.
      She is endlessly inspiring, in any case. Her attitude is just fantastic–always positive, always working her ass off.

  15. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    In honor of both the wedding I am in today and the royal one (Not in that one) today’s topic:

    Best Wedding Practices, ranked by entertainment value:

    1. Open bar
    2. Garter Toss
    3. Chicken Dance with all wedding party personnel
    4. The Kiss
    5. Unpredictable Children (who are supposed to be quiet and still during the boring talking parts of the ceremony )
    6a. The Hot Mess Relative (tied)
    6b. The Hot Mess Ex (tied)
    7. Privately Judging the dress/venue/makeup/food/spouse choice/etc (NOTE: this is silent Judgement, not a-hole Facebook comment Judgement)
    8. Winning the Who Cries First betting pool
    9. The obnoxious Best Man speech
    10. The suuuuper old couple who are obviously still deeply in love

    11-99. Meh

    100. The boring talking bits
    101. Waiting on the pictures to get done so WE CAN EAT ALREADY

    Competing in exhibition only:

    Me. I am a DELIGHT a parties (despite any and all indications to the contrary)

    FIGHT ME!!!

    1. nep*

      No arguments, really (though I think I’d put the aged, in-love couple higher)–Just appreciating this cheeky post.

      1. nep*

        (I guess I had more to say than I thought–close to the top for me would be bridal dance polka.)

        1. Dopameanie*

          So, I kinda feel like “cheeky” is the epitome of my online presence. I haven’t done the research, but…it just feels right, y’know?

    2. WellRed*

      Open bar yes. Hate the chicken dance. I personally would move the silent judgments higher cause I can be a silent and not so silent judging bitch.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        We had an open bar at our reception, but told the batenders not to serve anyone shots. That’s where the trouble always starts. A few weeks before our wedding, the son of one of my parents’ friends got married. He did a bunch of shots at the reception, got completely plastered, and ended up having a fight with his new wife. I think he also might have passed out in the elevator at the hotel too. Yowza.

    3. Tau*

      I haven’t been to many weddings, but I’d like to submit for consideration into the top 10 the German tradition of the Polterabend, in which the night before the wedding the guests smash crockery and the couple clean it up together. I suspect this is only in the top 10 if you’re not one of the people getting married.

      1. Dopameanie*

        So…can you elaborate? What is the significance? Whose crockery? Why? I’ve never heard of this.

        1. Julia*

          People bring old plates and cups etc. and smash them on the ground. The couple then has to clean everything up together.
          Look for Polterabend on Wikipedia.

        2. Tau*

          Like Julia said! Apparently the reasons (insofar as any wedding tradition has logical reasons for it) behind it are twofold:
          1. There’s a German saying that translates as “shards bring luck”, so it’s basically wishing luck for the marriage
          2. It’s supposed to show the couple that they’ll have to work through adversity together from now on.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I am going to a wedding today and the reception is scheduled to start 4 hours after the ceremony starts. Assuming the ceremony lasts an hour, this leaves nearly 3 hours of downtime between the two.

      1. Enough*

        Ridiculous. Waiting on the wedding party to take pictures is bad enough but to wait that long for food is too much.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I’ve been to those. If I’m not needed for pictures, I usually catch a nap so I can party at night. Sometimes I’ve scheduled a hair appointment so I show up with killer hair to the reception!

      3. Kara Zor-El*

        I’m assuming it’s a Catholic wedding. There are usually restrictions on when the Mass can be held.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Yup – it was Catholic. And it lasted an hour and fifteen minutes because the priest WOULD NOT STOP TALKING. Ugh.

          1. Slartibartfast*

            Main reason we got married in a Protestant church is I didn’t want to spend Catholic time up at the altar. 35 minutes and we were done. My Catholic mom was only semi ok with it because it was the church the groom’s parents and grandparents got married in. To me, that part was a nice bonus. All 3 marriages still going strong too :)

      4. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve never heard of that. That would guarantee that I wouldn’t come back. I’m not a wedding fan to begin with (not much of a social animal), so having all the time in between would make me just want to go home and stay there. Or go back to the hotel and stay there.

    5. BRR*

      The garter toss would be entertaining if I wasn’t horrified and grossed out how the groom takes it off the bride haha

          1. Dopameanie*

            Is that what it’s called when you dance with people on chairs lifted up? I’ve never been to a Jewish wedding. What else is different?

            1. curly sue*

              The structure of the ceremony is quite different. (There’s a link to a rundown of a very traditional format in my name — my experience is entirely Ashkenazi, and Sephardic Jews have different traditions. Modern weddings also often omit or alter some of them to fit their styles. We did a double-ring ceremony, didn’t do a pre-wedding meet-and-greet, etc.)

              The paperwork – the ketubah, or wedding contract, as well as the civil paperwork – is signed beforehand, with spouses and witnesses. Traditionally, in non-same-sex couples, the groom then veils the bride (called the ‘bedeken’).

              Both spouses are brought to the ceremony by their parents, there’s no ‘giving away’ as such. In Orthodox weddings, the bride will often circle the groom a set number of times – the number can vary. The ceremony is ideally performed outdoors, under a canopy (the huppah). We don’t do bridesmaids and groomsmen, traditionally — you honour people in various other ways, including by having them be huppah-bearers.

              The ceremony itself is actually two put together – the betrothal and the wedding. In medieval times, supposedly, the two were often separated by months, but so many brides came to the wedding pregnant that they merged them into one. That’s probably apocryphal, but why not.

              There aren’t vows, per se — blessings are recited, the couple drink wine, exchange rings, read the wedding contract – that’s the break between ceremonies. If there’s a sermon or reading of some kind, it’ll usually be here. Then more blessings, more wine, shatter a glass on the floor, and you’re married. Then the couple get to retreat to a private room (yichud) for a little while – ten minutes is the usual, though some do more. That’s decompression, get a chance to eat something, and breathe before the party starts.

              2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

                Jewish weddings are really fascinating. In addition to everything Curly Sue mentioned, at the one I was fortunate enough to go to, the food was MUCH better than normal wedding fare.

                1. Lcsa99*

                  My husband is Jewish and when I got married we looked it up and found a lot of different reasons for stomping on the glass since no one seems to agree. I can’t remember them all…there was something to do with the destruction of the temple? The reason we settled on is that all the shards are supposed to symbolize all your years of happiness together.

      3. Temperance*

        I hate the garter toss. At every wedding I’ve seen where it happens, it ends up where like, a child or close relative catches it, making the part where you put it back on even grosser than usual.

        1. Popcorn Lover*

          I’ve been to a wedding where the garter-catcher was supposed to put it on the leg of the bouquet-catcher. It was majorly awkward.

          I was also once IN a wedding where the groom was blindfolded and was supposed to identify the bride by feeling up the legs of all the bridesmaids.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Ewwwwwww….I’ve seen both groomsmen AND bridesmaids I don’t want anywhere near me…

        2. The New Wanderer*

          Garter toss needs to be forgotten, forever. (I also don’t care for the bouquet toss but that doesn’t have the same sexualized issues, just single-shaming.)

          Worst version of it that I saw – groom removed garter in unnecessary gross fashion, tossed it, best man gamely picked it up off the floor and then was goaded by DJ et al, with accompanying obnoxious music and commentary, into putting it on the leg of the bouquet catcher, who was the bride’s elderly grandmother. Yeah. Worst family wedding moment ever.

          1. Forking Great Username*

            Oh god, that’s awful. I’ll counter/add to that with the only good version of this I’ve seen. Bride’s daughter, who was about 20, caught the bouquet. It was announced that whoever caught the garter had to put it on her leg. So when it came time for the garter toss the men (mostly her uncles and brother! Yikes!) put their hands behind their backs so her boyfriend could catch it.

            Cousin decided to flip the script and put the garter on bpyfriend’s leg instead. Did a sexy dance as she did it, made the whole thing into a big, hilarious production. Not sure her mom/the bride was amused, but it definitely seemed best case scenario to me!

        5. Shreksays o*

          Same. The garter toss is just a way of assaulting a girl who is coerced into ‘participating whil even a crowd screams cackles their support and encouragement to ‘go higher’. FUN.

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      102. “The bride cuts the cake, the bride cuts the cake. High ho the dairy-o, the bride cuts the cake.”

      I hate that song. What the F is a “dairy-o”??

      And the actual cake is almost always awful. Weddings that actually have good cake get huge bonus points from me.

      1. Pollygrammer*

        You made me super curious, so I looked it up. Apparently, it’s actually “derry,” which dictionary.com defines as “a meaningless refrain or chorus in old songs. “

      2. The Other Dawn*

        You’re not wrong about wedding cakes. I’ve never understood how people can pay so much money for a beautiful cake, and then it’s gross. Well, maybe not gross, but definitely dry. I don’t think I’ve ever had a wedding cake where I’ve thought, “Wow that was yummy!” I imagine it has to do with how far ahead it’s baked. I’ve done wedding cakes for family and a couple friends, and it’s quite time consuming. It’s typically a three day process for me. I’ve always had rave reviews, though, so it could also be the cake recipe itself.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          At our wedding, we cut corners in a number of different ways, and used the money saved in those areas that weren’t important to us to go ALL OUT on the cake. I think I can say it was the best wedding cake anyone’s ever eaten.

          1. The New Wanderer*

            We ended up spending a lot on the cake (single supplier to our venue, so no choice). Fortunately it was beautiful AND delicious! I think we took two to-go containers jammed full on the honeymoon.

          2. epi*

            Hahaha we did the opposite! We got married in our favorite restaurant and people told us it was the best dinner they’d had at a wedding. Dessert was carrot cake (my pick) and key lime pie (his pick) because the standard catering options let us pick two desserts.

            I didn’t particularly enjoy wedding planning but I did appreciate the opportunity to do what you did– check the boxes on things we realized we didn’t care about (or skip them entirely), and put special thought/effort/money into those we did.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            LOL. I do remember someone once having something similar to carrot cake. It was refreshing to have something other than the standard white cake with fruit or cream filling. I made my niece’s wedding cake and I was so thrilled when she asked for carrot cake…until I saw how many carrots I had to buy for a four tier cake!! I had to transport it from CT to downstate NY. White-knuckled ride for sure and the thing weighed a ton, but it came out so moist and delicious. Think I can find the recipe now? Nope. Can’t find it for the life of me.

    7. Overeducated*

      I put “bridal couple dancing with parents after first dance” around 102. I am a curmudgeon but I hate that for some reason. Also, when there are like 10 toasts instead of 2.

      Substitute any other kind of ethnic line dance for chicken dance and I am otherwise in agreement.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I mean….what are your other choices? Rocky Top? Achy Breaky Heart?

        I’m struggling to come up with an acceptable alternative.

        1. Slartibartfast*

          We do the Hokey Pokey in my family. Not sure how ethnic that is, we’re Irish on that side.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I don’t even want a first dance because that is way too much being the center of attention for me.

        BUT the wedding I went to today, the groom’s mother is deceased so his five sisters all took a turn dancing with him. It got me all teary-eyed.

    8. Kara Zor-El*

      I refused to do the garter toss or bouquet toss at my wedding. I didn’t want my groom up in my dress in front of all my relatives. :P

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The gap between ceremony and food is something I hate. Fine if you are having your picture taken as part of the wedding party, not so fine if the ceremony was over lunchtime and there are no canapes.

        Also, I was once invited to a wedding some distance away, and only shortly before I was due to depart I discovered I wasn’t actually invited to the reception, only the service and the evening party. (NB. In the UK, the evening party is considered as a separate event, which having read Etiquette Hell years ago does not seem to be the case in America)

        1. No Tribble At All*

          At our wedding, we had a cocktail hour in between the ceremony and dinner. Everyone else had drinks and fancy cheese and apps while we had our pictures done. 10/10 would recommend.

      2. the gold digger*

        I had never heard of the garter toss. I was a bridesmaid and was told one of the groomsmen (whom I had never met before) was going to put the garter on me (or something like that) and I was horrified and kept refusing, thinking people were messing with me. I finally realized it was A Thing, so I gritted my teeth and let it happen for the bride’s sake, but I would never do that again or let it happen to someone else who was not happy about it. What a horrible tradition.

      3. Lehigh*

        We did neither. I wasn’t particularly interested in having the groom up my dress in front of relatives…but was DEFINITELY NOT going to give permission for a random single male to put his hands up a random single female’s dress.

        Just thinking about it makes me cringe. Especially as unmarried women and girls generally get heavily pressured to go up for the bouquet toss whether interested or not.

    9. Parenthetically*

      Lol the boring talking bits. Yes. We had as few of those as possible — I think our whole ceremony was around 30 minutes? And I think you’d have liked our wedding, because we had no speeches (my father-in-law did give a lovely toast after dinner, and after all the stuffy relatives had gone home.), bottles of bourbon on each table, appetizers as guests arrived BEFORE the ceremony so they could have a snack and a drink in their hands during the boring talking bits, a full dinner right after the ceremony, and no waiting on pictures because we only had candids on the day.

      (my father-in-law did give a lovely toast after dinner, and after all the stuffy relatives had gone home.)

      2. Lcsa99*

        The bottles of bourbon on each table sound either really awesome, or really dangerous. I can’t decide!

    10. Julianne*

      Oh gosh, I really don’t want to fight you (I have been cleaning my house all day and now I am tired), but I find most of these things awful. I’m attending a wedding in a couple weeks, and while I am looking forward to sampling the open bar (the wedding is at a winery) and think that displays of affection (ex. 4 and 10) are fine and appropriate, I might just be sufficiently annoyed by any of this other stuff to excuse myself to the restroom (2, 3, 5, 7-9) or to leave the reception early (6).

      I do genuinely and sincerely dislike weddings, though, so I recognize that I might be an outlier in these opinions. (But the rest of you, go have fun if weddings are enjoyable for you, please! They’re just really not something I enjoy.)

      1. Miss Elaine e.*

        FWIW, I absolutely hate the (US Midwest) trend of the bride and groom smashing the cake into each other’s faces. My sister had it at her wedding. It was never a consideration at mine: I’m not particularly pretty or photogenic but, goldangit, I wasn’t going to spoil the one day I wanted to look my absolute best by having a face full of frosting in front of my nearest and dearest.

        2. Lcsa99*

          When I was looking up traditions, I read that feeding each other the cake is supposed to symbolize how you’ll take care of each other when you get older. Says a lot about people who smash cake in each other’s faces.

          1. Lehigh*

            It’s also just a disrespectful place to start a marriage. “Oh, did you spend more time and money on your makeup for today than you ever have before? Will there be pictures all evening? Are you expected to be gracious and the center of attention for hours, although you are just coming down from all the stress and adrenaline of wedding planning? Let me just smear cake across your face. Smile, honey.”

          2. Pollygrammer*

            I hate this stupid tradition. Somewhere I remember an advice column where a groom, very much against the bride’s wishes, smeared cake on her face, ruining her dress and possibly the marriage.

            1. The Original K.*

              I would be FURIOUS. I’m not married but if I ever get married, I am going to be very clear about What We Shall Not Do at the wedding, and smashing cake on each other’s faces is 100% going on that list. (No garter or bouquet tosses either.) I will certainly have my makeup professionally done, and I will not have it messed up. And going against wishes to do it is just mean, IMO.

        3. Dopameanie*

          My mother told me I was ABSOLUTELY! NOT! to embarrass her by smashing the cake. I think she would gave preferred me left at the alter. Midwest manners are still A Thing in some circles.

    11. Environmental Compliance*

      I detest garter tosses. In my family it involves the bride sitting on the best man’s lap with the groom taking it off with his teeth. Heeeellllllllllllllllllll to the nope. Noooo thank you.

      I also detest dollar dances. I do not need the creepy great uncles/rando cousins trying to stick dollars down my dress top, kthnx. Nope, nope, nope.

      (We had a toss bouquet made, since it was free, and we gave it to the couple who was attending that had been married the longest, and then they danced together to their wedding song. Happened to be my grandparents – we thought it was a toss up between them and another few family members on Hub’s side – and so we also danced with them. It was really cute, and one of my favorite wedding pictures is from that dance.)

      2. Pollygrammer*

        It’s like someone thought “you know what weddings really need? Sleaze!”

      5. Slartibartfast*

        The money dance was a thing in my husband’s family. I was pretty shy, had about 2t family members on my side, and a good 200 on my husband’s. I eventually relented after many people asked the DJ when the dollar dance would be, and am glad many years later that I did. I remember being terrified when a stranger at the time tackled and body checked half the family to be the first one to get a dance, but many years later, that stranger is Uncle M and one of the sweetest people I know. And nobody stuck anything anywhere (the DJ collected), and my MIL had my back against the whole clan if I didn’t want to go through with it.

      6. Oxford Coma*

        We tried this (give the bouquet to the longest-married couple) and it totally backfired. Turns out the longest-married couple is partially deaf, easily confused, and can become quite belligerent and nasty when proclaiming the bride should “get that shit out my face and let me eat”.

    12. LCL*

      I hate the garter toss. Remove that from the list and replace with-two wedding guests that aren’t officially partnered with each other are found in a compromising position.

    13. Lehigh*

      I love weddings. I love the talking bits, if they are interesting, which they often are to me. I love the dancing and the catching up with distant relations. The kiss is nice. Unpredictable children can be a delight.

      An open bar is nice if you don’t have guests who can’t handle it. Hate the garter & bouquet tosses, don’t care for the chicken dance. Can’t understand why anyone would invite an ex who would be a mess at the wedding. Only amicable exes allowed!

    14. LibbyG*

      You forgot the bouquet toss where all the women run AWAY from it. That’s my personal favorite.

        1. WS*

          When my brother got married (it was a lovely low-key wedding in general) and his new wife did the bouquet toss, my mum has video of my cousin and me sprinting away backwards as fast as humanly possible while all the bride’s friends leap for the bouquet!

        2. Humble Schoolmarm*

          It happened to me! The bouquet toss was later in the evening and whether a lot of the single folk had gone home, or refused to come up or what, I don’t know, but in the end there were only three of us there. Bride throws the bouquet, it rolls to our feet and the three of us just stand there staring at it until I shrug and pick it up. It’s the only time I’ve ‘caught’ one as the usual routine is the dive tackle and that is not my thing.

    15. ..Kat..*

      Where do you rank the bouquet toss? When I was a single woman, I hated being pushed to do this.

      At my wedding, we took pictures before the ceremony so that guests would not have to wait to eat. I love to eat! Why would I make anyone wait to ingest yumminess?

      1. ..Kat..*

        We splurged on the food.
        “Food is good.
        Food is yummy.
        Food is happy.
        In my tummy.”

  16. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Running thread! You guys know the deal by now.

    I think I jinxed myself last week when I said I didn’t have that much Weird Race Stuff happen. Someone opened a portajohn on me. On the race course.

    Also, I was in a portajohn on the course. Oops.

    Also, I still ran a PR (sub-80). It might be the weather, the timing, or the course design, but I MUCH prefer Brooklyn to NYC in terms of courses. This year’s Brooklyn was pretty rainy (I think I curse races – the three half marathons I’ve done have all been different flavors of hell, and the full wasn’t entirely pleasant either), but it was still a bit of a party. I’ve heard that in previous years it’s been super lit. (This year, Deena Kastor showed up! She said things! I mean, I love her but I was getting soaked.)

    So. Haven’t seen Justin for a while, but I think he was running this as well! How’d you do, man?

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      It’s funny, I woke up around 7 am and heard the rain pounding against our air conditioner and honest to God, one of my first thoughts was, “oh, no, Llama Grooming Coordinator is out running the half in this right now.”

      I used to be energized by weather like this during my races but honestly, now that I’m in my late 30s and have done this so many times, I’m done with it. I’d rather be in bed when it’s raining.
      But way to go with your race! Holy crap, you broke 1:20:00 even with a bathroom stop?!?

      Nothing exciting to report on my end. Yesterday marked six months until marathon day for me, which is exciting. I’m in non-training mode for another two months and just running casually, trying to make sure I have a full tank of gas for when I start training for real around the time July turns to August.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Brooklyn got hammered around 9 – it was less bad when I was out there, but Wave 2 REALLY got hit!

        Honestly, I got out and I was mad at myself for not planning ahead, Random Dude for opening the door, and myself again for not locking the door first. I basically rage-sprinted the next couple of miles to get back on pace.

        It was actually pretty good if you were in Wave 1 – quite a few people I know PRed. Including one of my good friends. Who ran faster than me…by about the same time I was in the bathroom. (I’ll just say that I might have tied Shalane Flanagan.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          That’s incredible, and I totally hear the rage-sprinting. Brooklyn is an amazing course that always gets me pumped up. I ran my personal best in Brooklyn in 2011 (when the course was a little different – it started in Prospect Park, not at the Brooklyn Museum – but still ran to Coney Island). I kind of think I sold my soul to the devil in that one. I somehow, some way, ran a 1:44:18. In the seven years since, I’ve run probably 20 halfs and have broken 1:50:00 only once (and again, that was in the Brooklyn Half).

    2. runner*

      This thread is so funny to me because I really dislike the Brooklyn half and after my last time running it a few years ago, decided I am allowed to never run it again if I don’t want to. I’m glad you guys enjoy it!

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        What’d you dislike about it? Course-wise, I found it really fast, and from what I’ve heard, it can be one of the most fun NYRR races. Like I said, this year it was a little subdued because of the weather, but there was still a lot of energy out on the course. Someone near the end actually recognized me from the NJ Marathon (to be fair, I’m 1) from a small club and was wearing my club singlet and 2) pretty recognizable IRL).

        It was pretty crowded, especially at the start – and while the port-a-potty situation was better this time, that’s not saying much. It might be that I’ve done two VERY large point-to-point NYRR races, but it seems as if NYRR’s logistics are really messy. On the other hand, you’re dealing with tens of thousands of people, so I’m guessing that snafus are inevitable.

        1. runner*

          I think the main thing is that once you’re on Ocean Parkway it just feels super boring to me and not so much support/spectators (I typically start in later wave than you so maybe my later start had something to do with that).

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            The Brooklyn Half was always my favorite race of the year until New York Road Runners decided to make it a money grab and cram 25,000 people into it for $90, and hold a mandatory “pre-party” (to pick up race materials) at a trendy venue nowhere near transit. Just too much crowding and hype for me. It’s a phenomenal race, but for me, there are other great races too.

          2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

            (I typically start in later wave than you so maybe my later start had something to do with that)

            That’s…probably the difference, actually! I kind of touched on this above, but it was almost two different races depending on when you started and when you finished this year.

            For me, Brooklyn’s logistics were…not great at the starting line (we literally had to run from one end of the starting area to the other to get to bag check – but that’s on where we got off), and picking up bags at the end was kind of a mess. (To the dude on the 2/3 UPS truck: I’m sorry the people dropping off misplaced bags messed up your day.) And while I get the logic of a 7 AM start time, that’s…super early, even considering May’s unpredictable weather. (Not as bad as starting at 7:30 AM in MARCH, but still annoying.) But the weather cleared up at the end, Ocean was downhill, and the finish was mostly great. Ocean WAS a lot more wide open than the start, partly because people had already spread out, but I didn’t notice that much less cheering.

            If you were in Wave 2 this year, you probably would have gotten caught in the downpour by the end, and the elevation might not have mattered as much. In that case, I don’t think you would have had quite as good of a time, especially finishing up. (Plus, we ended up with our drop-off point being…right by the Wave 2 bag trucks.)

            I’ll give the caveat that I haven’t done any large non-NYRR races (yet…), but I’m basically resigned to the fact that dealing with shoving an entire small town into a couple of city blocks is going to cause issues no matter how good you are. My suspicion is that NYRR needs to actually plan out their race experiences better, but it’s inevitably going to be hectic.

            1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

              NYRR used to run their races with military precision – they were known for being the gold standard of road races. And their smaller Central Park races might still be that way (I wouldn’t know as I haven’t done one in 6-7 years). But their recent races have been overcrowded and sloppy. The 2016 Staten Island Half, where 10,000 runners were left to squeeze through a muddy choke point for no apparent reason at the finish when there was a wide-open stadium, was my last one. That said, the NYC Half may be too enticing for me not to give them one more shot – I’m going to keep my eyes open for a lottery for next year, if there is one.

              1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

                Good luck! I…am not sure if I’ll do NYC Half next year. If you do it, please be smarter than I was and actually wear clothes. (I’ve been thinking about it, and probably 90% of the reason I felt like I got hit by a train after that race was because I was in shorts and a singlet…in March. For almost two hours, including the start and finish.)

                I kind of agree that they probably put too many people in the races (22,000 in NYC, 25,000 in Brooklyn) for the way things are designed. I think part of it is just that it’s getting more popular to hop in a race, and I can’t fault NYRR too much for going for the cash. But also, there’s just mind-boggling choices they make. For example, with NYC, AA was collapsed to about a third of the size of the other corrals to let the pros warm up until just before the start. Why not start the corrals a bit further back, or collapse all the corrals by about five feet? Why didn’t they actually set up a formal corral for the pros and wheelchair racers?

                (At least I made a few very close friends very quickly.)

                Hopefully, Bronx (the next NYRR race I’m planning on doing) is a little more mellow. But it’s also a Five Borough. But it’s also in my favorite borough, and starts at a slightly more reasonable hour.

    3. A bit of a saga*

      Congrats! That’s a great time. I’m one week out from my next half marathon (my second ever!) I don’t feel all that ready – I think the excitement of finishing the first one in good shape and almost in the time I wanted has led me to relax a bit too much. But this one is definitely a much tougher race than the last one with a number of hills.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I swore I typed a response earlier!

        …I might not have submitted it. Oops.

        Anyway – I know you’ve been talking about it, but good luck! I’m pretty sure you’re ready for it – you already have the experience of doing that distance. Just think of yourself as rested.

        I don’t know if you’ve done any hilly races in general, but the general rule I’ve heard is to remember to push going up if you’re aiming for time (which it seems like you might be). Let’s say you’re going an average of 6 mph (10 minutes/mile) but you go 5 mph uphill for one mile and 7 mph downhill the next – over 2 miles, you’re losing roughly 35 seconds. (The downhills are about 8:34/mile, but your uphills are 12:00/mile – so over 2 miles, you run 20:34.) You’re probably not going to vary THAT much in pace, but the principle is the same – it’s easier to not lose time in the first place than to make it up.

        Also, unless you’re looking to hit a hard qualifier (in which case, good luck), consider adjusting your goals! You say that you’re running a much tougher course – a 2:00 on a course like that might be closer to a 1:58 or even a 1:55 on an easier course. Definitely look up where the hills are if it’s a huge concern for you – I mean, I don’t like surprises myself, so I like to look things up ahead of time.

        Again, you’ll do great, I know it.

        1. A bit of a saga*

          Thanks! That’s definitely good advice and also my plan. The biggest hills are actually tunnels so you go down before you go up – this is all in the first part of the race so surviving them without being completely spent I think is key to survival. In the last part, there’s a long, steady incline. The good news is that the race is in my hometown so while I haven’t tried the tunnels (this is the only time they are open to anything but cars) I have been able to train a bit on the incline in the end. I’ll keep you posted how it goes!

    4. Jane of all Trades*

      Oh I love a running thread!
      Congrats on your race!! I was watching the weather on the BK race day and it was so nasty! But it seems like that’s the weather we keep heaving. I am training for shorter races (did the NYRR UAE Kidney race in April – my first race longer than a 5k and so loved it), but it’s been hard finding enough dry days to run. I do not love running with rain water coming in and out of my shoes.
      Do you have any tips for novice runners?

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Everyone is different so one person’s advice will definitely not fit all, but the thing I can definitely contribute is… don’t try to build your mileage *too* fast or injuries are likely to result. Also, rest days are not a bad thing! Listen to your body. Sometimes less is better than more.

      2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Like, at the start, even the president of NYRR commented on how bad the weather’s been for all of their races this year so far! I’m just hoping this doesn’t mean anything for their fall races. (Running Bronx 10-Miler and hopefully NYC Marathon.)

        The Librarian touched on it, but – yeah – everyone’s different, so there’s no real “tips for novice runners.” (And I’ll admit – I was a track star in HS, but I didn’t take up distance until a few years ago, and even then I didn’t start running competitively until last year. So I’m still learning myself.) So, like, a few things I’ve learned:

        1) There is absolutely no shame in walking during a race (or training) if you need to. I’ve had two where I needed to walk, and I still managed to finish.

        1a) There’s no shame in a DNF (did not finish) either. I mean, if you watched the Boston Marathon this year, a lot of the elites dropped like flies. It sucks at the time, of course, but if you really can’t finish, don’t kill yourself.

        1b) Having one race that didn’t go as planned isn’t the be-all and end-all. And you learn things from your “bad” races, too. (Like…for example, that I need to drink more water in races.)

        2) For me, and for a lot of people, finding a group to run with on occasion is key. I really found that running with a formal club works great for me. (And there are different kinds of clubs! There are clubs for faster runners, clubs that welcome all abilities, clubs that are more for slower runners, so on and so forth.) If you prefer a more informal group, go for it!

        2a) This is specific to me, but I’ve found that the races aren’t really the part I enjoy the most. What I really enjoy is the camaraderie during training, and having people at around my ability. (And sometimes better than it.)

        3) Remember to relax and recover! It’s one of the most common pieces of advice given, but it is true. Sometimes, you need some time off to get better. If you feel like you might be injured and not just tired, really consider whether it’s worth it to push through. If you have a big workout and you’re feeling sick, don’t feel that guilty about toning down or not doing it on occasion.

        With the rain, it’s…a thing. I’ve actually been trying to run more in rainy weather, just because of situations like Saturday and this year’s Boston Marathon. (We went out on long runs during the cold snap around Christmas. We still talk about that as being key to our success this spring.) Basically, your best bet is to get some rain gear and immediately change after you’re done.

    5. Red*

      So I ran a 5k today. Slow as all hell, but I did it! And it was a very very small race so I was the only one in my age group, which means I got a medal by default!

      It was also logistically a mess. They closed down one lane on a 45mph road for the 5k so I thought I was going to be hit by a car, we all lined up the wrong way at the starting line because of unclear directions, and yeah. Fun times though :)

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        First of all, congrats! And hey, you finished (and got a medal).

        I hope they actually figured out that they lined you up the wrong way before they started the race, though. Also, I’m kind of with you on the issue of road closures – one of the guys in my group did a tiny half last year that had a similar situation, AND had points where you needed to cross over. I am not brave enough to do that race.

  17. Book Lover*

    Recommendation for a Facebook or other forum where I can ask kitten questions?

    I joined a Siberian forum but they mostly post cute pictures.

    Our new little one is doing well overall, I think, but had diarrhea and vomiting after vet visit (vet said likely stress) then didn’t poop for two days, presumably because she was empty and then we were feeding her cautiously. I have already bugged the breeder, but I just want a group where I can check in and make sure I am doing what I need to. It is kind of like having a new baby – no one else is interested in the minutiae, understandably, but I need some reassurance.

    1. Mrs. Fenris*

      Please call your vet with questions. They don’t mind, and if it’s not a question that needs to go straight to the doctor, a tech or assistant can often answer. Steer clear of the breeder or social media. There are a lot of well-intended but terribly misinformed people out there.

      1. Book Lover*

        That’s fair – I think it is more the day to day sharing how things are going that I would like to have, though. Perhaps there isn’t something like that though.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Kitten Lady’s blog has a bunch of advice on raising kittens! She’s a pro fosterer. kittenlady dot org slash savekittens :)

    4. Jane of all Trades*

      I don’t have any threads but I feel you on needing reassurance. I used to foster kittens and needed a lot of support from the shelter coordinators and vet to make sure I was comfortable that the kittens were doing well. I don’t think issues with eating and vomiting are that uncommon with kittens, especially if it’s a new environment and new food. I would bear in mind though that not eating can be indicative of serious health issues, so if you’re in doubt it’s better to load your kitten in the carrier and go to the vet. That being said, you can try to add a little pumpkin purée with their food. It helps stabilize their digestion. The same for boiling a little chicken in sodium free broth and feeding either small pieces or pureeing it. Lastly, not all cats do well with all types or brands of food, and you should try to feed grain free, high quality food!
      I hope your kitten feels better soon!

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Following up to say that 24hrs is generally the cut off- if your kitten hasn’t eaten within that time, take it to the vet. They also have high calorie specialty food if you need to add that to the kittens diet if needed

      2. Book Lover*

        She is doing great now, thank you :). Eating, drinking, pooping and hanging out next to me washing herself. And I did talk to the vet immediately just wanted ongoing support, I think. She is on nutro max kitten formula and diamond kitten, both of which I think are good brands? I think just the trip to the vet upset her, maybe.

  18. Book Lover*

    Has anyone else been watching the My Subscription Addiction drama? I used to browse the forums when I was bored, and there would be occasional brush fires. The latest was a huge do about the forum being ok with racism, terrible moderation with moderators deleting and editing and banning people. Now the forum is closed indefinitely. Sigh.
    It had gotten to the point I thought it likely was not helping the site but I imagine they will lose out on people who otherwise would have swapped or bought more than they otherwise would have.

  19. Rach*

    Do you give up your seat for women who look pregnant on public transport?

    I feel like his has become a bit of a minefield. Don’t do it and if she’s actually pregnant then that’s just rude, but if you guessed wrong then apparently that’s offensive.

    These days I just avoid sitting down in the first place.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Someone digging nails into your skin without warning – seems like an excellent time to scream/howl in pain (even if it takes a second before you think of it) and say “Ow!!! Why did you do that? That hurts!”

      3. Nervous Accountant*

        WTF!? That’s so rude!!!! You DO NOT TOUCH ANOTHER PASSENGER LIKETHAT. I thought that’s the unspoken rule. SMH.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I once stood up for an elderly woman and got serenaded with, “What do I look like, an INVALID?!”

      I stood up once for someone who looked pregnant for sure–and perhaps was–and got a rueful laugh from the woman and a snide remark from another passenger.

      I still give up my seat if I suspect someone might need it, though I’ll admit I’m more gun-shy now. I figure if they have some ridiculous reaction over it, it’s on them, not me.

    3. Kathenus*

      Sometimes making eye contact and saying “would you like to sit?” in a friendly manner can work better than getting up – this way you are engaging them and giving them a choice, but in the latter you’re almost forcing the issue that they should sit whether they preferred to or not.

      1. heckofabecca*

        This is what I do, too! Sometimes even just a gesture and a look can get the question across (raised eyebrows while gesturing to the seat, e.g.). Especially helpful when someone you want to offer your seat to is not immediately next to you and it’s busy.

      2. The Original K.*

        This is what I do. “Would you like to sit down?” If they say yes, cool! I get up. If not, cool! I stay seated. I also do this with people who look like they might need a hand (parents with strollers, people who have their hands full, etc.). “Do you need a hand?” and go from there, depending on the answer.

    4. Jules the First*

      I ask “excuse me, would you like to sit down?”

      I started using it after someone used it with me and I thought it was a nice neutral way to do it (I don’t look like I need a seat but I sometimes do need it) I’ve never had anyone get offended by it.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Once on the Metro in Paris, a pregnant woman got on and announced to the carriage “Can somebody give me a seat?”

    5. RestlessRenegade*

      I don’t use much public transportation anymore (it sucks here) but when I lived in the Bay Area, I used BART every day and I rarely sat, for exactly this reason. Also general fear of someone yelling at me to give up my seat. I got very good at reading a book while standing up on the moving train!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I didn’t sit often on the tube in London either unless the carriage was mostly empty. At peak time, all the seats were taken anyway by the time I got on. On my 2015 trip I did, but I had a knee brace on part of the time and nobody bothered me about it.

    6. LilySparrow*

      This is exactly like trying to figure out if a disabled person wants help, or if a mom with a kid melting down wants help, or if a person with a stroller in the stairs wants help, or if an elderly person needs help crossing the street.

      Don’t guess. *Ask.*

      Don’t ask if they’re pregnant, or disabled, or lost, or off-balance, or whatever. Ask if they want to sit. Ask if they need a hand.

      As heckofabecca pointed out, sometimes you don’t even need to ask out loud. I’ve done this many times and gotten some refusals but zero upset responses.

      1. Kuododi*

        Definitely second on your post!!! I have never had problems with how I was perceived when I asked my question with a smile and without pushing myself into the other person’s space. For example, at the grocery store when I see a person in a wheelchair or a motorized chair I will always offer to reach down whatever they are shopping for, but might not be able to reach. I don’t always get a yes however I do always get a friendly smile and a “No Thanks.”

        1. Kuododi*

          Eeekk!!! There’s a better way to word the end of that post!!! ” I will always offer to get stuff down from a high shelf something they might not be able to reach.”. That’s what I get for posting immediately after I woke up from a nap!!!

    7. epi*

      If I see a group getting on that might include anyone who should have my seat, I just get up and move back/in while they are still boarding unless I see someone else do it first. Then they are free to just take it, since the people they boarded with are not likely to cut ahead of them. Plus I’ve noticed anyone can offer a seat to anyone without giving offense if they are both standing and essentially saying “I don’t need the seat of you want it.”

      Only exceptions are if I’m stuck in a window seat or way in the back when it’s crowded so there’s no way said person will get to me, or want to.

    8. LCL*

      I do. Or for people who look like they need a seat.
      Funny story, I have posted this before -when boyfriend and I went to the Netherlands, we were riding a very small bus. Very pregnant woman with two kids in two gets on, we both stand and offer her our seat. She politely declines. Every stop after that, the new rider would glare at the fat Americans and ask the woman if she wanted help finding a seat, and she politely declined. I guess she had been sitting all morning and standing and leaning helped her feel better.

    9. Nervous Accountant*

      If someone gives up their seat for me I’m just SO HAPPY and I say thank you…. I would be offended under different circumstances but def not this one.

    10. Mad Baggins*

      Japan has these keychains pregnant women can put on their bag/purse to indicate they’re pregnant, so you can avoid that whole guessing game!

      Now if only people would actually stand up instead of pretending they don’t see her…

  20. SuperAnon*

    I am pregnant and feeling really bad about my body. Background is I’ve always been thin and I had a severe eating disorder (2 hospitalizations, lots of therapy) for five years. I’ve been in recovery for over 12 years and I’m not stopping myself from eating now, but I can’t help but feel bad about my growing belly, despite knowing it is normal and healthy. I have a therapist and a supportive husband, but as much as I love my husband, he can’t get it. I’m very excited to have a kid and this is very wanted, but pregnancy is hard on my self image. Anyone else been here? Any advice?

    Also, I am at the marker where you start to show and I’m starting to get comments from people in daily life, including one co-worker who has been very passive aggressive in the past about how thin I am and is now ramping up the body comments about how I am gaining weight and showing. I suspect she feels she can get away with it because I am pregnant, but it is driving me nuts.

    1. neverjaunty*

      Tell your co-worker “I am not interested in your opinions about my body. Please keep them to yourself.” I mean WTF? This is not okay in a work setting.

      1. Justme, The OG*

        That’s much kinder than my thought of “I’m growing a person so shut the eff up” to the coworker.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        Yes, please shut that down. There is no “pass” for oh she’s pregnant so I can talk about her body.

        Pregnancy is hard that way. I was always thin too, and even without having EDs or related issues it’s hard to let go of the self-image as clothes stop fitting and nothing looks quite right for long. It helped to get well-cut and stylish maternity clothes (for me that meant drapey tops with leggings) so I didn’t feel like a shapeless blob. I actually liked some of those clothes a lot!

        Also, be prepared for the months after birth that you won’t recover your original shape quickly, or possibly ever. It was much harder than I expected, mostly because I didn’t want to change my eating habits and I got lazy about working out. I did get back to my pre-pregnancy weight but it took months and the weight was distributed a little differently.

        1. Also me*

          I’m going to second the suggestion to buy yourself some nice form fitting maternity clothes. Pants with elastic waists feel great and I began to really love how my bump looked once I wasn’t trying to hide it anymore.

    2. Parenthetically*

      “It’s rude to comment on people’s bodies. Please don’t do it.”

      And then escalate if you have to. It is REALLY SUPER not ok for her to say stuff like that, and IMO if she’s “ramping up” from already offensive comments, she’s getting into harassment territory.

      And… pregnancy can be super hard on self-image regardless of a person’s history, because suddenly your body isn’t solely your own. It’s a beautiful experience, but also weird and gross and emotionally complicated. One thing I had to fight against was the idea of “getting my body back” after my kid was born. There IS no going back, in any part of life, only moving forward. I had to make peace with the idea that this was a new part of my journey in my body, and that I was learning to be a new way in my body. Hopefully with your therapist on board you can work through all this complexity! Fingers crossed for you!

    3. Elf*

      Feel a bit lucky; my boss straight up asked me how much weight I’d gained (she was in the middle of commenting to another coworker about how small I was for how far along I was). People suck when you’re pregnant. I’m not having the major body image issues so much (I’m mostly amused by how half the people tell me how big I am and the other half tell me how small I am) but I am really getting irritated by people asking me how I’m feeling and not letting me carry things. I am not an invalid! I am in better shape than you! I know how to not injure myself! (also, not my first rodeo).

      1. ..Kat..*

        I would be tempted to ask her how much weight she had gained. “None. Really? Gosh, I guess you are just bloated.” But, as I have said before, I am comfortable with being ‘not a nice person.’

        2. Elf*

          Amusingly, she is an older lady who happens to carry her extra weight in her belly, so she really does have about the belly I did at about 5 or so months. Not going to tell her that, though. The only “reciprocally mean” behavior I’m liable to engage in is reciprocal belly touches if anyone gets handsy (and then watch them get horribly offended).

    4. Erin*

      Just sympathy. I’m 36 weeks and my mom came to visit this weekend, gave me a hello hug, then stuck her hand *up my shirt* and started rubbing my belly. She was offended when I basically slapped (gently) her hand away, and said “what, it’s my belly!” (Implying she gave birth to me therefore owns my body). I just could not deal with it.

    5. LibbyG*

      No advice to add, just well wishes. It sounds like you’re doing a great job nourishing yourself and your baby amid extremely difficult circumstances! Yay for you!

      1. LibbyG*

        Actually I do have an idea. Maybe it would help to look at yourself from the back with a hand mirror and a wall mirror? Maybe it’ll feel reassuring to see a view that looks more like your usual body? I obviously have no idea how something like that relates to your recovery. Just an idea.

        1. LilySparrow*

          I don’t know how OP’s body is changing, but this would definitely not have “helped” me when I was pregnant.

          Many people change all over. I couldn’t anymore “recognize” my butt or my feet than I could my belly.

          I have nothing to offer but encouragement, OP. Becoming a parent is a sacrifice of your identity in many ways, and it’s a slightly different journey for all of us. But I believe in you, and it’s going to work out okay.

    6. Thursday Next*

      Pregnancy can be exciting but also challenging of the way we perceive ourselves. Re. other people’s comments, I don’t know what it is that makes people thing pregnancy = suspension of social boundaries, but there is definitely something that makes people think it’s okay to say and do things that are utterly unacceptable. Definitely assert your boundaries!

      Re. your self-image—do you find yourself looking at yourself more in the mirror than you used to? If you find mirrors are triggering your body image thoughts, could you avoid mirrors, except at certain scheduled times?

      Would it help to focus on the specifics of pregnancy changes? You talk about “your growing belly”—would it help to reframe it as X extra pints of blood to support baby’s growth, etc.? In other words, it’s not actually your stomach that’s growing, but a baby and its requisite supports?

    7. seewhatimean*

      counterintuitive maybe, but consider having full portraits done. Go to someone who does maternity photos you have seen and love, and be brave. Don’t go for the fluff and lace if you’re into something else…maybe imagine the most lovely pregnant body you can think of, or a sculpture you admire, and ask to be photographed in that style. I did this, referencing a slightly abstract sculptor’s nude women torsos that feel exude power and grace.

      Even if you don’t have the photos done, reframing the pregnancy into an image you can get behind, philosophically, might help you feel better about your body changes. You can be pregnant however it works for you. (And shut down your coworker as quick and hard as possible…you have quite some time left if you’re just showing, and it’s better she’s grumpy than you have to hear her BS go on and on. (I only once followed”oooh, you’re getting big!” with “gosh, you too!”)

      Just ideas, use what works, chuck the rest. Congratulations!

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      I think for me now having my second kid is that I know eventually I will get back to my fighting weight. Since I did it last time, it’s easier for me to know that I can do it again. That being said, I’ve gotten SO MANY rude comments about my size and it’s so frustrating. I’m 37 weeks right now and I’ve got a big belly–I wonder why people! I’m a fairly small person, but people say the meanest things and think nothing of it. You’re so big, you must be due any day, are you having triplets? One of my colleagues said, upon finding out I was pregnant, “I have noticed you’ve been eating a ton lately and you look so tired, so that makes sense!” At first I would be like, ok they are trying to be nice and make conversation, but then I just got so fed up I started using come backs. One guy at the cafe in my office building said “maybe the baby will come this weekend” about 2 months ago and I was like “that would be absolutely horrible” and he says “why???” and I said “because then the baby would be 2 months premature, but thanks for playing!” I’ve seen him after that and he’s been totally silent.

      After a while, those comments did start to really get to me. I don’t remember getting them with my first baby at all. I started to feel terrible about myself like I was enormous and unattractive. I still have those feelings and I think it’s totally normal. All that is to say, hang in there! It happens to a lot of us and you will get back to normal. It may not be as quickly as you want, but it will happen. I think you’re doing all the right things with talking to your therapist and your supportive husband by your side. Keep on keeping on and just remind yourself whenever you feel low that you’re making a human in there and that takes work and it takes room!

  21. Kate Daniels*

    Any tips for how to have more energy to do things after work? I always find that I’m so exhausted that I usually just come home, eat dinner, watch the news, go to sleep… and repeat. My eyes are usually too tired to focus on reading, and I feel like I lack the energy to do social things.

    2. Tort-ally Hare Brained*

      Either you just might be that tired and need the rest, or try not going home first. I find if I go straight to social plans, or even run errands on the way home I have a lot more energy – but if I go home first even to change forget going back out. For me its the mental energy, not the physical.

      1. MysteryFan*

        Yes.. for me too.. Keep going… don’t take off your shoes and lie on the couch, or you’ll Never get up! ha!

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      If I sit down, all hope is lost. So, I keep busy – take care of the cats, make dinner, get stuff ready for the next day, etc. I also try to pick just one or two things I need to do in the evening so that I can usually convince myself to do them before packing it in for the night. Usually there is one night during the week that I do absolutely nothing useful, and I’m totally okay with that.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      This might sound like a ridiculous response, but you mentioned watching the news. I wonder if that’s part of the problem. I find watching the news dispirits me and makes life feel hopeless. Your mileage will probably vary, but maybe try not watching the news for a week and doing something else with those 30 minutes, and see what happens? My experience is that if something truly awful happens, you’ll still know.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Not ridiculous at all… I never thought of this before, but you might be right! I will cut back on the news this week and see if anything changes.

    5. OhBehave*

      Do you get restful sleep and enough of it? I agree that going directly to your planned activity helps. If you want to change clothes, bring them with you to work.
      Could you be depressed? Lack of energy is one of my signs if I haven’t recognized I’m down.
      Eat some protein before you leave work. Peanuts are a great boost for me. Yogurt has great protein too.
      What does your lunchtime look like? Do you eat at your desk? I have found that even going to my car to eat/read gives me afternoon energy. Getting that burst of fresh air and sunshine can be helpful.

    6. Mad Baggins*

      I get more done at home if I keep my bra on. Makes me feel like I’m still in “dressed” mode. Once the PJs are on it’s all over.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Interesting! Changing into comfy clothes is always the FIRST thing I do when I get home…

  22. Free Meerkats*

    I got back from Providence last night. The work part was great, but I didn’t get to do anything else. I’m the hundred yard walk from the bus to the hotel, I caught my foot on a bit of uneven pavement and went down, hard. Some minor road rash, a nasty bruise on my right hand, and a sprain/strain of my left calf – to the point where I had trouble walking. So I never got more than about a block or so from the hotel.

    But it was good to see people, and I got lots of sympathy. Long day when one travels east coast to west. There was a baby that screamed the entire bus trip from Providence to BOS, and was on my flight and did the same for almost two hours at the gate. Luckily, our magically quieted when boarding started and not a peep for the whole flight! Wheelchair ride from the gate to baggage, then shuttle home. Twenty hours from when I got up on the east coast until I went to bed on the west.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      The work part was great, but I didn’t get to do anything else.

      That’s a bummer. There’s so much good food in Providence/Pawtucket.

  23. Ms. Gullible*

    We hd a temporary hearing this week. It took a sharp left turn as my ex was not prepared as usual and the judge actually gave joint custody. My lawyer was floored. As she had just told us two days prior she didnt care what my ex had to say and that she was giving me sole custody. Then she did a 180. I’m wrecked. I don’t understand how a person who has not been a parent or even willing to be one for my entire children’s short lives, now gets them half the time. He’s never even spent the night alone with them. I just pray that this does not negatively affect my children.

    1. Enough*

      I’m sorry but document all issues and be prepared to go back to court. Are there other judges?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Can your attorney write the judge a letter asking for reconsideration based on Points A, B and C?

      This makes no sense. I wonder if that judge has a reputation of some sort.

    4. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Shit. I’m so very sorry. I can’t understand how that happened. I hope you and they are ok.

    5. neverjaunty*

      The judge probably forgot what she said two days ago, I’m sorry to say. Any chance your lawyer can ask for a new hearing?

    6. Ms. Gullible*

      My lawyer says we go to mediation from here. What’s done is done. We either work it out in mediation (doubtful an agreement will come) or we go to trial.

  24. Miso*

    I know it’s been a week, but… Anyone else still devastated by the cancellation of Lucifer?
    Cause I sure as hell (pun might be intended) am.
    That cliffhanger…!

    1. Enough*

      Yes and no. I was getting tired of the whole Cain thing. But really once Chloe really understands what’s going on what’s the point of the show?

      1. Miso*

        Yeah, Cain sucked. Especially because there was just zero chemistry between him and Chloe…
        But I’m looking forward to Chloe knowing everything! I want some good cop, devil cop shenanigans!
        I think it’s kinda similar to Lois&Clark – I loved it when Lois finally knew everything.

        Welp, now I can just hope someone actually picks it up…

    2. Bluebell*

      Still haven’t gotten around to seeing the finale. The fact that it’s not coming back is making we want to put it off.

      1. Miso*

        Oh, watch it, it’s SO good!
        Best episode of season 3 (not that that’s hard… *sigh*) and maybe of the whole show. The most badass scene as well.

  25. ThatGirl*

    I love our dog to pieces but he was whining half the night, we let him out of his crate, afraid he was getting sick, and he wouldn’t settle. Wandered all over the bed whining. So we put him back, finally got some sleep, but he was at it again at 6:15. Turned out he was super thirsty and guzzled water as soon as we let him downstairs. D’oh.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Poor buddy! Ours used to get ear infections, and while he doesn’t whine, he was obviously uncomfortable. I hope your buddy feels better soon.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Ours whines a lot but not at night. That’s a sign something is wrong usually.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Yeah, he’s gonna need to see the vet tomorrow. I’ve been washing his ear out, much to his chagrin, but I need an expert to look at it.

  26. Mrs. Fenris*

    Since a lot of us have England on the brain today, and since several of you smart people were so helpful with my last question about my upcoming London trip, can I ask y’all a couple more questions? (BG: me, my husband, and my kids ages 18 and 15, one week. Renting a flat near the Kilburn tube stop. I spent the summer there in 1987 but the rest have never been there.) One: day trips! What’s good and close enough not to be too much of a pain? I was thinking Canterbury, possibly Windsor, maybe Bath? And two: dumb question. If people ask us where we are from, what is the best way to answer? I imagine it will be obvious we are Americans, so do we say “The US?” Do we specify what part? We live in Atlanta. (So I’m imagining “Atlanta, where they had the 1996 Olympics/where they film The Walking Dead/like Gone With the Wind[hopefully not that last one, I am not a GWTW fan.]

    1. soupmonger*

      You’re fretting about saying what part of the US you’re from, but using ‘England’ where you mean ‘UK’? Better sort that out before you visit.

          1. fposte*

            They’re not getting married in Scotland.

            Yes, sometimes people say “England” when they mean “UK.” But it’s not clear that’s what happened here, mostly it doesn’t matter, and commenting guidelines ask us not to nitpick. When somebody gets married in Guernsey we can break out the argument again.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            Suppose someone was going on vacation to Los Angeles (and environs for day trips) and said they were going “to California.” But not “to the United States.”

            Let it go, let it go-OOO…

            1. ..Kat..*

              Well, technically, they are going to the United States, California, Los Angeles county, Los Angeles city, the West Coast, that place south of Oregon that we dare not mention, and (last but not least) La Ciudad de Nuestra Senora La Reina de Los Angeles. Magnificent places one and all.

      2. Parenthetically*

        *giant eyeroll*

        London is IN ENGLAND in addition to being in the UK. Oy.

      3. The Foreign Octopus*

        Don’t be pedantic. She’s looking for an answer, not a bitchy response.

        As for Mrs. Fenris, just say that you’re from America. Most will ask “oh, what part?” and almost all will have heard of Atlanta. You could also just go with “down South” if you like.

        Bath is nice but I never feel like there’s enough to do there. It has a lovely history though and I might be biased because I grew up near there.

        Enjoy your trip (and don’t forget to try fish and chips other curry sauce!).

      4. Fiennes*

        Do you get to say England when you actually mean England? Which is what she clearly meant and referred to?

      5. Thlayli*

        Wtf? Wedding is in England, visit is to England.

        On a related note OP, most English people say “America” to mean US. And most have very little knowledge of US state geography. Best bet is to just say you’re from America and wait to see if they ask what part.

    2. Tau*

      Not sure I can be super helpful with question one, as I never did much tourism in SE England. I did spend some time living in Poole and the area is gorgeous and well worth a visit – also the New Forest, between it/Bournemouth/Christchurch and Southampton – but it’s 1.5-2 hours on the train from Waterloo and that may be too long for a day trip.

      As to where you’re from… personally, I’d lead with “the US”, and wait. Most people will ask for more detail, and that’s where you can talk about Atlanta. It always strikes me as more polite (for lack of a better word) not to assume that people will be interested in or knowledgeable about the exact subdivisions of the country you’re from when you’re in a foreign country, so that you first give them the broad strokes and leave it up to them if they want more info.

      Things that may complicate this: most of the people you talk to will probably be able to guess the US from accent alone, while my accent is weird and very inconclusive, and I’d guess a lot of people have heard of Atlanta which is decidedly not the case for my hometown. (I spent a lot of time going “it’s around X distance south of Hanover, if you’ve heard of Hanover… no?”)

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        Thanks! The accent thing is probably part of why I’m overthinking this. When you have a Southern accent you get used to people immediately knowing what part of the US you’re from and you skip ahead to that part, but I realized on my previous trip that people in the UK usually can’t hear the difference, the way most Americans don’t recognize the different accents there.

        1. Tau*

          Yes, it can be really strange to realise how your accent is interpreted differently in different places, and how distinctions that are super clear-cut to you are just not to people from elsewhere (and there are distinctions they find super clear-cut that you don’t pick up on).

          I actually have the opposite problem now that I’m back in Germany – I’ll still reflexively answer “so, where are you from?” with “Germany”, at which point people generally stare at me going “…um, we were expecting more detail…?” I spent over a decade in the UK and am super not used to needing to have a regional identity, or my accent in the language I use day-to-day being interpreted as anything other than “??? probably some form of foreigner?”

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I think people will recognize “Atlanta”–it’s large enough. When we travel we are “from Boston” after getting through the confusion about how while we are very blond and speak excellent English, we are not German.

      I have fond but very distant memories of Bath from a one-day layover on my honeymoon–the Brit we were staying with apologized for it having no real historical interest, being only about 800 years old.

      1. Penny Lane*

        Just say Atlanta, Georgia and move on. You are massively overthinking this. It’s just small talk anyway.

      2. seewhatimean*

        what? The fact that Bath is a deliberate neo-classical city is interesting. The baths are interesting, the abbey is small but interesting, partly because of location.
        800yrs old? It was founded by the Romans in 1AD.
        It’s UNESCO listed.

    4. Buu*

      Try Brighton, friendly hippy-ish seaside town ( stone not sand beach) with some nice shops, cafes and plenty of touristy things to do if you want. You can probably get there in about 1 1/2 – 2 hours by train.

      Honestly just say Atlanta, :) we watch enough TV to get it. You can add the Walking Dead but if they seem very confused.

    5. Pollygrammer*

      I think it’s fine to say “the US,” but if people follow up you could probably have some fun leaning into an exaggerated Georgia accent. “Atlanta, y’all!”

    6. Max Kitty*

      With only one week, I’d probably do one day trip at most. London has plenty to keep you busy! Cambridge is only an hour or so on the train from London and has plenty to see. You could arrange a coach trip to Stonehenge and Salisbury, or go to Windsor or Hampton Court Palace, or Dover. For something interesting but really close to London, maybe Greenwich.

    7. Parenthetically*

      FWIW no one asked me where I was from, or if they did, it was clear they meant “where in the US”?

      I did one day trip to Oxford and one to Hampton Court Palace (by boat! down the Thames! do this, it is wonderful) and they were both very doable.

    8. Bagpuss*

      Day trips – I think it depends on what you are most interested in, and which things you want to do in London. I’d suggest you approach it on the basis of whether there is something you specifically want to do or see – if not, there’s more than enough in London to keep you occupied for a week or more!

      Bath is just over 90 minutes by train, (and the station is very central when you arrive). It’s a lovely little city, very do-able on foot, and fun if you like Roman remains, or are a big Jane Austen fan.(or just like Regency architecture)

      There are coach trips which do Bath & Stonehenge, which would make for a long day with a lot of travel, but is do-able as a day trip if you want to see both.

      Canterbury again is about 90 minutes by train from London, so very manageable if you want to visit.

      Windsor I think is about an hour by train, but is a popular tourist destination so there are also coach trips etc available.

      In terms of where you come from, I think probably most people would recognise Atlanta without you having to explain further – I’d go with “Atlanta, USA” if you want to say more than just USA.

      Enjoy your visit.

    9. A. Student*

      Bath’s lovely! Also, the Natural History Museum in London is well worth a visit.

      1. seewhatimean*

        Was just scrolling down to see if anyone mentioned the NHM. I loved it even as a kid.

    10. Trisana chandler*

      Gosh, I’m surprised how many people think you should answer with Atlanta! I would definitely just say the US and wait to see if they want clarification. I’m from Australia and have travelled quite a lot and have always found it strange that Americans specify city or state but pretty much everyone else when asked will tell you which country their from and wait for a follow up. Not that I think badly of them for it, but it stands out!

      But maybe it’s an Australian thing? We assume people aren’t super familiar with our states and cities whereas the US states and cities are much better known!

    11. Nerd Writer*

      I lived in London for a few years. You could stay in the city the whole time and not see it all, but for day trips definitely Bath. Are any of you Jane Austen fans? There is that aspect to Bath in addition to the others mentioned. I’d also second Salisbury – how can you go to England and not see Stonehenge?

      Brighton is beautiful and artistic and modern. I’d also try and see one of either Cambridge or Oxford if possible. But that is a lot of day trips considering you also have all of London to explore!

      If I had to choose only one, I’d say Bath.

    12. Deus Cee*

      Cambridge is 45 minutes from King’s Cross by train, and a nice sized city to look around in a day (and do try punting!). If you say you’re from ‘Atlanta’, that should be plenty for most people.

  27. Tau*

    It’s a holiday weekend here, which I was weighing all sorts of plans for (cycle trip… cooking something fancy… *baking* something fancy… sitting on my terrace drinking lemonade… and, because I’m a grown-up, sorting out my taxes.) Alas, it seems I picked up a bug at the conference I went to last week, because I got a fever last night and it hasn’t gone away. I barely managed to drag myself to the grocery store to do the holiday shopping and have spent most of today curled up in bed or in my armchair. To be fair, I can probably still work on my taxes, but I just feel sick and miserable. And desperately hoping I’m better on Tuesday so I don’t need a doctor’s note.

    Anyone have any good self-care tips for when you’re ill? I usually have a pretty good immune system and very rarely get fevers.

    1. Jules the First*

      Tylenol, plenty of fluids, lots of rest.

      The Tylenol will help the fever break, the fluids will keep you hydrated, and your body needs the rest.

      I’m in the same boat – I had to cancel my weekend plans and I’m soooooo bored..my boss sent me home from work at noon yesterday because I looked so horrendous and I’ve spent the time since moving between bed and the pot of chicken soup.

      1. Tau*

        Thanks! I haven’t taken any paracetamol yet – I sort of feel as though since my body has fevers so rarely, when it does insist on one I should give it the space to do what it feels it needs to do, haha – but if it rises much further/isn’t gone by tomorrow I’ll probably reconsider. I forgot about fluids initially, but now have a pot of tea sitting next to my armchair.

        Also, thanks for the suggestion of chicken soup – it made me remember that I have some broccoli soup in the freezer and this seems like the appropriate time for soup.

        1. Jules the First*

          I used to feel the same way and got a sound lecturing from my doctor on the subject – the paracetamol doesn’t stop the immune response, it just alleviates the misery of the symptoms of the immune response. Ie, it makes you feel better by taking away the fever, but your body is still doing its thing.

          Think of the fever as your body’s way of sending an urgent message asking for reinforcements…

          1. seewhatimean*

            Plus you’ll know you’re getting better when you forget to take the next dose because when it wore off you didn’t start to feel like warm death again.

  28. nep*

    Might–might–make a trip to Portsmouth, NH late August.
    Suggestions for affordable but nice places to stay? Unique, comfortable, cool spots I should look into?

    1. KR*

      OOH OOH ME. So no suggestions on the hotels, sorry, but there are lots of hotels in the immediate area and surrounding towns. Youre going to want to rent a car or bring one. Anything downtown will be a lot more expensive but it’s a small area and you can stay within a 15 minute drive for much cheaper. But to see while you’re there – check out Rye or North Hampton beaches are great and not as crowded as the main Hampton beach. The urban forestry center off route 1 is wonderful to walk around in. Strawberry Banke has oodles of history and old buildings to see. There’s a slave burial ground/memorial that isn’t so much a tourist attraction but a really well done memorial to Portsmouth’s relatively distant past as a slave trading hub. All the shops are fun to walk around in for an afternoon. Dos Amigos has the best Mexican American food you’re going to find in South East NH with a fun hipster vibe. Prescott park usually has a lot of plays and things during the summer evenings that are free with a suggested donation (they’ll try to pressure you but it is free). The friendly toast has the best all day breakfast food (and great drinks if you’re into that). There are some awesome breweries downtown and great restaurants in general. It is a GREAT area and I can answer any questions you have (except hotels) as someone who grew up in the area and lived 10 minutes away from downtown.

  29. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    Yesterday I found out that I can’t take the final I was studying for because it overlaps with my first round of exams. On the bright side, now I have a good excuse for not taking it, because my revision wasn’t going well. On the other side, the first two exams are on the same week and I’m somehow behind schedule, so now I have a couple of days to get back on track.
    Also, I’m struggling really hard with one of my group projects. We’re a four people team, and it’s a mess. One has vanished completely, one goes to class but does nothing, the other contributes undoing previous code and I’m fighting the impulse to do all. This week someone uploaded code that broke compilation hours before the deadline, and the author of said code excused himself with the classic “it worked on my computer” without apologizing. I’m super close to commit academic murder.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I never understood this team thing in colleges. Everything is done in teams. Shouldn’t people learn on their own before being thrown in with a bunch of other moving parts? I sincerely believe that I got a lesser quality education because of the school’s over reliance on the covert learning found in team work.
      What you show here is typical of what I saw. One or two people do all the work and everyone else coasts along.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I was in 2 team projects in college. In the first one, there were 3 of us, and we knew enough about each other that we assigned the um.. least competent person to the least stuff and then helped them.

        In the 2nd one, it went badly. Overly optimistic people taking on too much work, then doing it badly…

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I feel your pain. I hate team projects in school. Things seemed to move so much slower because either everyone had to give their two cents, or one or two people did all the work while others slacked, people didn’t show up to meetings, etc.

      I had to do a team project in my college psychology class. There were three of us. Of course, two of us were doing all the work. The third person either blew off our meetings, showed up late, or didn’t do the part she was assigned. It was quite late into the project, but the two of us made the decision to drop the third person. It had to be done; there was no way I, or the other person, was going to let someone take credit when they didn’t do any of the work and was MIA a lot of the time. I went to college later in life, and I think having the work and life experience helped me to make the decision pretty quickly and without guilt. Because of that, I had to volunteer to tell the third person she was out. I had to email her since she skipped class half the time and didn’t answer her phone. She never responded, but she also didn’t show up to class the night of our presentation. I’m pretty sure she failed the class, even without participating in the project.

    3. A (former) Cad Monkey*

      I had one team project that resulted in me doing all the work because no one decided to show at the time we had all agreed upon. They all showed up about 4 hours later after I had done the entire project. I turned in the project into the professor with a note stating my team decided not to participate and here is the work I completed. Got an 85% on that project and was happy.

      Another project had a person that was taking the class as an elective (required for my degree) tried to push her work onto me. She did not have her name or work in the final presentation, as agreed upon by the other teammates. She blamed me for not doing her work and her resulting failing grade.

      TLDR: Group projects suck and shouldn’t be a major part of any course’s grade.

    4. Enough*

      2 group projects. First one had no work from one and he lucked out that there was a massive snow storm over Thanksgiving and “couldn’t get back to school” for 4 days. Second one I did more work than the others even though I had more work in my other classes then they did.

  30. Cute Li'l UFO*

    My wrists/arms/shoulders are nearly back to normal, there’s still some scar tissue that feels kinda lumpy from inside my mouth, the scar on the outside is flattening and shrinking at an incredible rate, and my dental bill was under $1K with half or so of that being the cost of x-ray and anesthesia.

    I hand-washed my Alexander McQueen silk-chiffon skull scarf by hand, saving myself a trip to the cleaners. I also felt bad about giving it to them… it was really ugly. It hadn’t even been snagged when I fell. I am lucky.

    My cleaners declined to do my lambskin leather jacket because they were worried about where they send their leather/suede to ruining its soft texture. So I spot cleaned with a very lightly dampened cloth and buffed dry with another. The silk lining and leather are impeccable, like nothing even happened. It ended up with a couple small blips on the placket behind the zipper, but no harm done. Again, I am lucky.

    I used to resell a lot of vintage/secondhand clothes so I fancy myself a bit of a stain fairy. It makes me feel good about myself because I hate having stains on things and I know it’s a source of anguish for people whether it’s a favorite t-shirt or a silk shirt. I’m happy I’m able to help out friends and family with their favorite items.

    (Also had a phone interview that I feel *very* hopeful about but it’s THAT thread so.)

    1. Thursday Next*

      Glad you’re recovering! Being a stain fairy is an impressive achievement. I’m obsessed with clothing condition—I don’t have expensive or stylish clothes, but I try to take care of what I have. It sounds like you have a lot of experience!

  31. salary inequalities among friends*

    This may be more appropriate for the work-related side, it’s a little personal, a little professional….

    I am in a graduate program for a fairly lucrative field. I got a new job offer related to that field about two months ago and started last month. A friend and colleague from my previous job tangentially asked me about salary. I debated on whether or not to tell her, but I did decide to give the specific dollar amount. She knew the range I was looking for with my program, so if she had guessed, it wouldn’t have been too far off anyway. I felt like I was validating something she probably already knew. Also, I’ve read a lot about how hiding salary keeps wages low and I’ve read about how talking about money being taboo can be a US-specific thing and I have another friend who is in a woman’s finance group and she said they are very open about it and she has had a positive experience.

    Well, I saw that friend the other day for drinks and at least three times, she brought up the dollar figure. I could sense a little envy in her. I know that not making as much as someone else can be frustrating. Heck, I have felt that way several times in the past, but I did choose my graduate program partially because of the earning potential.

    I can’t think of a time I was on the other end of the spectrum and how I felt. Is there more harm than good in disclosing the dollar figure? If we hadn’t known each other from work and only known each other socially, would she have felt differently?

    Has anyone resented their friends for making more money than them? Or had a friend resent them for making more money. I didn’t sense direct resentment, but I did feel bad that she brought it up so many times that I thought about apologizing.

    1. Temperance*

      I talk about money with my lawyer friends, because we’re all lawyers and it does help us to get paid what we’re worth. I do not ever talk about money with anyone else, though, because it gets weird.

      I’m from a poor background, and I know that I make at least double what my childhood friends make, and that my husband makes triple or more. Our joint income is approaching 200k, and I think they support their families on 50k or less.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        One of the most true financial insights I’ve run across is that (almost) everyone thinks they would be set if they just made twice what they do now. That would let them live a slightly fancier lifestyle than at present, with some new indulgences plus money left over. But if they do double their salary, from $15K to $30K to $60K to $120K, they still feel that way–twice as much and they’d be set. There’s a psych term for it–hedonic adaptation?–about how absolutely anything, wonderful or awful, can become the mundane norm that we take for granted and we emotionally react to deviations from that norm.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I would file this under your friend being weird. The contexts you give for honestly stating your salary when asked are perfectly sound. (Announcing it out of the blue would be weird.) I would guess that a part of her hoped you would say how you actually made the same salary now, and when you failed to recite the script she had in her head she felt defensive and snarky. That’s on her poor grace for not disguising envy well, not on you for answering a question that is very relevant to a lot of people considering schooling or a field change.

      1. neverjaunty*

        This. She’s being a pill. If she brings it up again I’d ask her very directly why.

    3. MechanicalPencil*

      One of my closest friends frequently complains about how she has no money. She stayed in an old job for way too long and continues to work in a nonprofit field. I know she could make more if she switched to a for profit job but she’s convinced that the pension plan she’s under is worthwhile. I don’t have that measure of faith. I dont talk specific figures, but I have mentioned that switching from nonprofit to for profit was beneficial in both salary and career advancement.

    4. Ann Furthermore*

      I make quite a bit more than my husband, and after we got married we had to provide our joint tax return as part of the child support discussions with his ex. When she saw the combined total, the negotiations took on a very nasty, bitter tone that hadn’t been there previously. After that she started acting like we were rich greedy assholes, rolling in money, who were cackling with glee about raking the poor, down-on-her-luck single mother struggling to make ends meet over the coals. All my husband ever asked is for her to contribute her share of the support, as calculated on the child support worksheet provided by the state. Not a penny more. It was strange to be on the receiving end of such bitterness.

    5. Wendy Darling*

      I straight up lost a friend after I got a high-paying job at a company she disliked. Every time we saw each other she’d make snide comments about my job or how much I was making. Every time a negative article about the company came out she would post it on Facebook. I ended up feeling attacked and stopped asking her to hang out, so we saw each other much less.

      I ended up getting laid off from that job when my division was restructured and was in and out of work for a few years after that. I was making either no money or dramatically less money but she still acted like I was rich and rolled her eyes any time I alluded to not having a ton of money (like if I said I couldn’t afford to do something).

      I ended up lending her an expensive item she needed and telling her she could have it for a few weeks but after that she needed to either pay me for it or return it to me so I could sell it (I was out of work at the time so I needed the money). She never returned it. After a good six months I asked what happened. She said she gave it to her boyfriend. I said she owed me $250, then. She never talked to me again, but she did post on Facebook about buying a brand new $800+ phone. I’ve completely given up on the friendship at this point since she clearly thinks I am Scrooge McDuck.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Your former friend sounds awful. None of that was OK, even if you hadn’t gone through a rough patch.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I was just especially amazed that apparently her view was that I was rich and therefore it was okay to straight up steal from me even at a point when she had a job and I did not.

    6. Junior Dev*

      I try to talk about salary in career and job searching contexts because I think the taboo on white collar private sector jobs discussing salary in hiring contexts is a blatant attempt to exploit workers. I don’t really talk much about it when that’s not on the table though. I don’t want to make friends who make less money than me uncomfortable and I don’t want to open myself up to judgement on my finances (I have a lot of credit card debt from being unemployed or underemployed, and I’m doing my best to manage it but I don’t need someone judging me every time I buy a cup of coffee).

    7. tangerineRose*

      Would it help to talk with your friend about how much she’s bringing this up?

      I try to keep my finances to myself mostly because it does seem to create awkwardness. Sometimes the more people know about your financial situation, the more they try to tell you what to do about it.

      1. salary inequalities among friends*

        It was the first time I had seen her since leaving the other job. I’m hoping that the way she feels is just temporary and it will die down after a few months. She’s been looking for a new job off and on for awhile too, but her manager has talked her into staying each time she’s tried to leave. Another part of the reason why I gave her the specifics is that I believe she is underpaid for the work she is doing. I don’t see her coming close to my current salary with her education and experience, but I think she could get $10-$15k more in the market than what she makes now.

        She did mention being more serious about the job search and she asked me for some networking advice. I think I am going to write it off this one time as a temporary quirk, but if it keeps coming up, I do need to be more direct and talk to her about it.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Some people do not handle the news well that they are making less money than us. Unfortunately, we can’t know who these people are until we tell them what we are making. I have gotten so I can guess the pay range by watching the spending patterns. There’s a difference between 40k, 60k and 80k, people tend to make different choices at each range.
      I am sorry your friend took the news hard. It does tend to be a wake up call when our peers excel. But my go-to on this one is, “If you can’t handle the answer then don’t ask the question.” This rule of thumb is good for many things in life. I would argue that you answered her question and it is not up to you to protect her from her own emotions. That is her job. If you had backed away from the question she probably would have reacted to that also. I am not seeing any chance of a win here.

    9. Fiennes*

      I’ve never resented more money as a salary. I *have* resented the kind of family wealth that means there’s almost no way to be reduced to poverty. Which is ridiculous, honestly—nobody picks the family they’re born into—so I’ve learned to set it aside. But it twitches, now and then.

      1. Lissa*

        Yes, I am going through this with a friend of mine right now, whose family is able to majorly help her buy property, something I very likely will never be able to do. I’m trying not to be bitter but it’s not helped by the fact that she doesn’t seem to recognize her privilege in this area, or at least really wants to underplay it, which I kind of get because resentment is no fun but…ugh.

    10. HannahS*

      I don’t, and I don’t think my friends do either. For a while, I was the wealthiest of my friends (like, when we were in high school, because I have one doctor parent), now I’m on the lower end, and in a few years, I’ll be close to the top and expect to stay there my whole life. I think we all recognize that no one chooses what opportunities they have early in life or how much money their parents have, but we were all fortunate enough to be able to chose fields based on what we felt would make satisfying careers and lives–and that got us everything from a couple of future doctors to artists. It might help, too, that none of us really consume conspicuously except for travel, and when we talk about travel it’s in in a tone of “I am excited about this! It’s great! Here’s what I found cool about it!” with no gross undertones.

    11. Kuododi*

      My idiot in-laws have all kinds of issues with DH and my bank account. ( Namely, that we have actual savings, money set aside for retirement, paid off vehicles and are not having our utilities cut off every other day). Now, we are doing better than when we were fresh out of grad school but are still one medical crisis away from bankruptcy court. Needless to say they routinely hit us up to finance their latest crisis due to non payment of bills.

      My parents are quite well off. I say this because I am actually quite proud of them. They worked like fiends all my childhood, saved and invested everything they could. Now they are in an excellent position during retirement. They regularly give to their community both financially as well as in acts of service. Personally, I.dont understand the point of resenting people for having more than myself. They have made choices which resulted in certain financial benefits. I chose to enter a different field which did not pay off in as big a financial manner rather in an ability to serve my community to the best of my abilities. Someone once SD ” Hatred is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.”. I suppose the same applies toward resenting people who are wealthier than myself.

    12. matcha123*

      I probably make the least of most of my friends. I don’t exactly feel resentment, I am really proud of the ones who have worked hard to get into good paying jobs. I feel resentment when a friend who grew up never wanting for anything, gets a good job then turns to me and acts like I could have done the same, but chose not to.
      I can’t control how people spend their money, but with some friends I am happy to hear about their vacations. With others, it seems like they are telling me to put me down or brag?, and I’m not down for that.

      1. Julia*

        There’s a difference between someone working hard and someone being born into privilege and pretending that didn’t contribute. I have friends who make much more than me (or their husbands make much more), but I also know that some of them work really hard, almost never see their families, etc., and that wouldn’t be worth it for me.

        It does bother me when people have more money despite working the same amount of hours, because my field (language/education) generally pays less than STEM subjects, but I have no talent for STEM – plus it’s not like everyone in the world can just work the high-paying jobs, or the system would collapse. I usually don’t resent the people working in those fields, though, but the system itself.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        I think I am in the same boat. I don’t make a lot and I feel like most of my working friends make more.

        But I have no resentment against them, why in the world should I??? What I do resent is the friend who complained for over a year about how the company I work at is sh*t despiteit being her first job and I referred her.

        I just don’t unerstand how people will resent others for their salaries. it’s something thatsjust super off putting to me. A great line I once heard was… “stop counting other peoples money.” (Forget from where)

    13. Lora*

      I found out after 9 years of marriage that my then-husband resented it that I made more money than him, although he wasn’t willing to go back to school or change careers (despite my unfailing support for that if he wanted to). It was just frustrating to me because I would have been happy to support his continued education or a career change, but dude, you KNEW going into this job what it was, you KNEW how people become successful or not, and you…dick around on Xbox live every waking moment that you aren’t at work, so…? His girlfriend was certainly jealous that I had money, and extremely disappointed to find out that he didn’t qualify for alimony.

      I’m also in a decent paying highly technical sub-field which is relatively stable for STEM, and get a lot of questions about how to get into this gig. When I tell people the educational requirements and suggest a few programs and things to study up, they are all, “isn’t there an easier way?” Uh…no. That’s sort of the point, you see.

      I personally get annoyed with people who have oodles of money and did exactly nothing to earn it and still do nothing to keep it. It’s one thing if your folks have money and you get a degree and go into running the family business, sort of thing, but the trust fund kids I can’t even with. It’s not jealousy per se – heaven knows I went through a party phase, but then I grew up and got a life. I kinda feel philosophically that everyone should have a purpose in life other than being a bad example, and not having one despite having every opportunity to get a life is annoying to me. Contribute something to this society, dammit!

    14. Gatomon*

      Hmm. I’m pretty sure that I make more than all my friends. I’m still on the low end for my career though, so it will probably increase.

      In the not-so-distant past, I was probably middle of the pack with most of my friends. With some I’ve definitely felt there was an assumption that I had more money, even if I didn’t make more money. They seemed to assume that because I didn’t have a spouse or children that I had oodles of cash to spend on events/adventures/etc. I mostly don’t talk to those folks anymore since it was an indicator of the crappy friendship. Now that I make more than they do (career change) it would probably only be worse with them though.

      With my good friends, I generally don’t ask and they generally don’t ask. I have one who I’ve discussed salary and financial info with, but I find most people aren’t keen to talk about it. I never sensed any resentment. We’re all in very different careers in different areas though, so I’m not sure what good knowing my salary would do.

      My general thought is don’t ask if you can’t handle the answer. Sounds like your friend is feeling pretty jealous.

  32. heckofabecca*

    Question time (and apologies if it’s better for the Friday thread)… What’s something you wish you learned in K-12 that they didn’t teach you?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Hmm… I’m not sure there’s anything that I would put as the school’s job, rather than parents or society as a whole?

      My parents left all sex ed to the school, and so I am very grateful most schools have that. I have heard good things about basics of adulting classes–change a tire, understand a bank statement, make a budget, understand house and car loans and credit card interest. But I managed to pick those up on my own.

      That you will not feel deep inside you are grown up at 18, or 21, and so on through the ages, but I don’t think kids would believe that. 21 is so old! Of course you will have your life figured out by that ancient date.

      I guess, watching my own kids, a bit better at conveying the many successful paths life can take? My daughter and her friends were so stressed about how to perform the exact right mystic incantation to get into the exact right college, from which your life would be set and unfold if you just did all the preliminary steps right first.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      As a teacher, I wish the school system did a better job of teaching those adulting things, like Fallkng Diphthong says. It would probably be more useful to teach kids how credit cards work, how interest on loans works, and how to file a tax return, rather than how to create a certain curve by cutting a cone a certain way (I’m looking at you, Conics unit in grade 12 math).

      However, there are things parents should be stepping up to teach. I took 34 kids to Europe over spring break for two weeks (teenagers, I should say), and I couldn’t believe how many kids couldn’t use cutlery, didn’t know how to cross in a crosswalk, or chewed with their mouths open. Or how many kids didn’t think they had to shower every day.

      1. Amadeo*

        Ugh, I’m trying to teach my nephew the ‘chew with your mouth shut’ thing. I’m one of those people for whom open-mouthed smacking causes an immediate, violent response (and he’s suffered a Gibbs-smack for it at least once). He’s going to be 7 in less than two weeks. My sister and BIL apparently don’t really care so he just gets away with it at home, so by the time he comes to visit, he and I both suffer. Him from my own reaction and me from his awful smacking!

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I have the same reaction! It’s so gross. It’s one thing if a kid is five or six, but 13? No.

        2. Gingerblue*

          I have the same reaction–it’s so disgusting! I knew a couple of people in college who STILL ate like this, and I always wondered how things like dates and job interviews went for them.

      2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        One of the schools I attended actually did teach a unit on dining etiquette — it was a very small private school, which made things like that more doable, but it was honestly probably one of the most useful lessons I learned.

    3. Dan*

      How much life costs.

      No joke. When I went to undergrad and took on a ton of debt, I had absolutely no concept on what that would mean for my life.

      I took on just shy of six figures for all of my education. While I make six figures now, and I am by no means struggling, that amount of debt had had a material impact on my life. While I don’t regret the choices I have made, in retrospect, I would have liked to have been more informed when I made them. I may very well have made different ones.

      1. Lindsay J*

        Super late, but this.

        Like, I’m not dumb. I read the mandatory online counseling they had when you took out loans each year.

        But I didn’t have the context necessary to understand it.

        I’m not sure how you give them that context, though. I think it would have helped if my parents included me more in information about household finances from an early age.

        Maybe if school included more real world information on budgeting.

        This is what an average apartment in a decent area costs in this city and that city. This is how much you would take home each month from a $40k salary after taxes.

        Here, make a budget. Okay, you budgeted $100 for groceries for a month? Here, look at these fliers and grocery store websites and go shopping for your month with those $100. Can you live on that or do you need to increase the budget?

        Here, what kind of car would you drive? The average commute is X miles by car. That car gets X miles per gallon. How much is gasoline going to cost you for the month just for commuting back and forth to work?

        If you take on $XXXXXX in student loans, you’re going to be paying $XXX a month. Can you fit that into your budget along with the apartment, food, gasoline, utilities, and all your other payments?

        If you go to this school instead, you’ll be taking on $XXXXX instead, where your loans will be $XXX a month. Does your budget work better now? is it worth the trade-off?

    4. Wendy Darling*

      Thirding “basic adulting tasks”.

      In college I was one of the only people on my hall who knew how to do laundry (beyond “throw all your dirty clothes in the machine at once, add soap, pray for good result”) or grocery shop. I had to learn how to manage my money from the internet.

      Also I wish there was more info out there about adulting for people with executive function problems. I have mild to moderate issues that might be due to other mental illness and might be undiagnosed ADD (no one can decide) but basically I have perfect credit because my expenses are all paid via elaborate automation involving multiple accounts whereby I cannot accidentally spend money I need for rent/bills.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Building on that, how to plan and organize all the things you need to do, whether that’s at school, at home, at work, whatever. I don’t mind cleaning in terms of individual tasks but I get overwhelmed trying to maintain a routine of doing it consistently. I tend to do well on individual school assignments but to get inconsistent grades because I miss assignments and fail at breaking down larger tasks. So basically, executive functioning coping skills, for those of us who don’t naturally do that stuff on our own.

      2. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Definitely basic adulting tasks – so many of my friends tell me they can’t cook a single meal, can’t mend a hole, or fix a house hold issue. Definitely basic construction/houseworks, and pre-training for industry jobs that don’t require college degrees – welding, construction, whatever.

        Now, I’d like to see programming/advanced computer skills, 3-d printing and insurance/loan navigation.

        And civic responsibility! How to get involved in your community, and how beneficial it can be, not just telling students to volunteer in their own time but honestly showing them, as a class ways to become more involved in their communities.

        1. Khlovia*

          Learning basic construction skills + community involvement = volunteering with Habitat for Humanity for a week or two.

    5. Kathenus*

      Another language. From what I know it’s so much easier to learn a language if you start young, and I wish that US schools in general would have that included in regular curriculum.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        Yup, as far as anyone can tell you’re super good at language learning until sometime around puberty, after which you are typically incapable of attaining native-speaker proficiency — you’ll always have a non-native accent in any new language, and you won’t be able to effectively acquire especially complex phonological or grammatical rules. So you could learn a new language at age 7 and be completely indistinguishable from someone who has spoken it from birth, but if you start learning it at 13-14 (the exact age seems to depend on the person — I’ve seen it happen as early as 9 and as old as 14) you can become fluent but you’ll never quite get to native level.

        And so ironically where I grew up the first opportunity you get to study a foreign language is high school, when you’re 14. Right when you’ve stopped being good at it.

    7. nep*

      I wish it was not optional whether to learn to read music and learn an instrument. I don’t know why my parents didn’t get me into this, but I would never deprive a child of this opportunity early in life.

      1. Dan*

        Depriving them and forcing them are two extremes of the measuring stick.

        There are things that my parents forced me to do up until I left the house — that when I left the house, the first thing I did was stop doing them because they couldn’t make me anymore and I wanted to demonstrate my independence.

        Going to church and playing a musical instrument were the two things at the top of the list. I didn’t hate music — I hated being told what I had to do. Sometimes the best intentions are poorly executed, and consequently backfire.

        3. Julia*

          Yeah, I hated piano lessons, too. My hands can’t grip an octave and my piano teacher said I should take singing lessons because I had a good voice, but my parents thought singing lessons weren’t useful. How being a terrible piano player is more useful, I will never know. Parents need to take their childrens’ talents and inclinations into consideration. I still sometimes wonder how my life might have turned out had I been allowed singing lessons…

      2. nep*

        I should rephrase that–I wish it were available/accessible to all children who want it, and that parents would go with what moves the child, not force things. I understand what people are expressing here.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      That what college you go to doesn’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things.
      That even getting good grades doesn’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things.
      Some practical skills like filling out tax forms or saving for retirement.
      Proper sex ed.
      More literature that isn’t just by and about straight white cis men.
      False equivalency.
      The Overton window.
      What the emoluments clause is and why it exists.

      1. Dan*

        I actually figured out the college thing early on.

        Once, I listed all of the schools that I knew and what I knew of their academic reputation. Turns out I had enough awareness to realize that outside of the Ivies, the schools I had heard of all had strong basketball or football programs and were on TV all of the time.

        Another thing I did was go through the bios of Fortune 500 CEOs and look where they did their undergraduate programs. A vast majority of them went to run of the mill schools. They may not have gone to “crappy” schools, but they all went to such a diverse set of schools that it was clear that the undergraduate university just didn’t matter that much.

        There are some places (and perhaps some fields) that where you go matters. But that’s such a minority of the workplace.

      2. Dan*

        Following up a bit, I live in an area where the public schools system has a great reputation. There’s also a public magnet school for science and math. Parents bend over backwards to get their kid in there.

        The funny thing is, in an effort to actually create some diversity in the student body, the premier public university caps the number of students that they will accept from that school. That’s actually peeved some parents off, because, hey… my kid goes to elite school, what do you mean he can’t get in here? It doesn’t help that many schools are capping the number of in state students in preference for out of state students who pay higher tuition.

        I’ve long thought that the kids that have the best odds of getting into big name universities are top performers from rural school districts.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          If you live where I think you do, I went to that magnet high school. I didn’t live in the same county, but I know of families who moved into that county when their kids didn’t get into that high school, so they could at least be in that county’s school district. To your last point, I knew of kids who chose not to go to that high school because they’d have good odds of being valedictorian/top three in their regular high school.

          I came out of that school with a real snobbery about what I was going to major in, which lasted well into my freshman year of college. Turns out, I hated it and changed majors in my second year and accidentally found my dream field. STEM schools are great, but I wish I had gotten a better understanding of all the options instead of being funneled towards one field.

          Home ec type stuff is highly underrated. How to cook, clean, balance a checkbook/monitor online finances, basic investments, what insurance is, how credit works, how much things cost in real life, and where your money will be going once you live independently.

    9. tangerineRose*

      I wish that when I was in high school, they had some speaker or something who would tell us:
      – It’s your body; if someone puts their hand on your butt, and you don’t want them to, deal with it; don’t worry that you won’t look “cool” if you object.
      – Sometimes people just want sex and aren’t really that interested in you personally but may pretend to be.
      – Sometimes people will have sex to try to get the other person more interested in them. This frequently doesn’t work and isn’t the best idea.
      – It is OK not to get drunk. It’s even OK not to drink alcohol when everyone else is. When you get a little older, you’ll roll your eyes at how often you choked down a beer that you hated instead of drinking something else.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        I definitely agree with more sex positive education. In general we could use more classes on consent, starting very, very young.

        I’d also like to add though: that it’s OK to drink if you want to, it’s OK to have a drink, and be done, it’s cool to call a cab/ride if you’ve had a drink, that drinking isn’t inherently evil.

        In school, we got a lot of “all or nothing” education – don’t drink at all! Don’t have sex at all! and so kids found themselves thinking “well, I can’t be perfect so I might as well screw up to the best of my ability” which in my experience lead to catastrophe. Conversely, telling kids “if you are comfortable and safe, feel free” (to both sex and alcohol) is likely to result in kids feeling more comfortable with the no, and not feeling pressured to do something to be cool.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I wish they had more positive materials to read. English class was the same for 7th grade through 12th. We had to read “Death be not Proud” and “Death Man do not Follow Me” each year for five years. After about the third year, I never opened the books. Senior year when we got to “The Bell Jar” a couple of people seriously contemplated suicide. I don’t understand this disconnect. No teenagers cannot take on all the saddnesses in the world and still be able to cope. They do not have enough life experience to counterbalance all the sad stuff. I skipped “The Bell Jar” and I still got solid Bs on any tests we had on the book. I never opened the book. What’s wrong with this picture.

      Same deal in history. It was all about what a stupid country we all and how we screwed up oh-so-many things. At this point, none of us wanted to go to class because the negatives were so frequent.

      Our poor physics teacher tried to teach us physics in daily life. The class was good, we were learning something. He got shot down by the administration and we started learning nuclear physics and so on. After that change, only the brains in the class were still following along.

      The teachers were just doing what they were told to do. I wish TPTB understood how what they taught and what they presented impacted us.

      1. Amadeo*

        Heh, we didn’t have to do those. We read some classics my freshman year. Prince and the Pauper, Cheaper By the Dozen, some Dickens (Great Expectations I think), Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry. Those sorts of things. Not books I would have chosen on my own, but even at 14, I realized they had some value.

        Then my next year I had a different teacher and our first assigned reading was…Fine Things, by Danielle Steele. I came unglued on her, which at 15, was really uncharacteristic of me. And for perhaps the first time my mother also came to my aid (usually my complaints did lack some merit, but not this time) and talked to her. I still ended up having to read the book, but I would have much rather thrown it at her head.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Our standing joke in AP English was “It symbolizes death.” Safe answer to any question.

        I love my kids’ high school because it’s like a small college. This term my son is taking Irish Lit for his English class and Medieval for his history class. When I was young, outside of a couple of AP courses everything was 9th grade English, 10 grade English, and so on.

      3. Pollygrammer*

        You are so right. People who design curricula don’t even consider adding anything positive. Kids read Shakespeare? Has to be one of the tragedies. Nothing funny, ever. Not even uplifting poetry. Literature becomes something inherently depressing, and school becomes that much more grim.

        Give ’em some Melville, Twain, Vonnegut!

        1. tangerineRose*

          I agree. In junior high and high school, I had to read so many gloomy “classics” that the thought of reading a “classic” book sounds unpleasant to me. And I love to read! Just not anything that makes me feel sad or that is horrifying.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I know so many English teachers on antidepressants. Lit is depressing. It’s an up close study of human suffering and tragedy. There’s never a happen ending and kids do not learn how to SOLVE problems, they only learn to wallow.

          1. Forking Great Username*

            If lit is only teaching kids to wallow, it’s not being discussed properly. My students ALWAYS point out the obvious solutions that the characters in the text overlook – for example, why doesn’t Romeo just take Juliet with him when he goes to Mantua? Then we talk about why we think they didn’t do that or felt like they couldn’t, the different factors that affected things, brainstorm alternate endings, think about what it might look like in modern society, etc.

      4. Lindsay J*

        Yesss.

        We read lots of Steinbeck. The Great Gatsby. Romeo And Juliet. Macbeth. A Seperate Peace. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Lord of the Flies. Great Expectations. A Farewell to Arms. Lots of books about the Holocaust (at least one each year was required by the state I believe).

        Every single book we read had untimely death, or rape in it. I counted.

        Even in middle school, too. I remember in 5th grade straight up refusing to read Island of the Blue Dolphins because I had read it on my own previously, and the little brother in it getting his throat ripped out by wild dogs was too much for me.

    11. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      My health teacher, junior year of high school, when we got up to the sex education unit, said to us, “You guys already know all this stuff, so let’s watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” And we spent a week watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest instead of doing the sex education unit. The rest of the class was thrilled; I was sitting there thinking, “Wait a minute, I DON’T know this!” True story.

    13. char*

      Hopefully I’m not making this weird, but some sort of mention somewhere that trans people exist would have been nice. I am trans, but until I was almost an adult I literally didn’t know that being trans was even possible. So instead I just spent years feeling abstractly weird and wrong. My teenage years would have made so much more sense if anyone had ever bothered to mention to me that it’s possible for someone to be a gender other than the one they’re assigned at birth.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        That’s how I felt about bisexuality. Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, it was pretty much all about lesbians and gay men. I don’t think I truly heard the word bisexual as a serious and legitimate term until I was in my mid-twenties, and I know I didn’t know about trans identities until sometime after that.

        It was a weird, confusing time of queer rights getting pushed into the mainstream, but people only acknowledging the L and G part of the LGBT. School only ever mentioned gay men (and the 90s and early 2000s were also a time were I remember it being popular to fawn over gay men but ostracize or not even discuss queer women…and all other identities).

      2. KatieKate*

        Same with asexuality. I didn’t learn it was a thing until I was 20 and then suddenly my life made sense.

        1. Tau*

          Ohh yeah. If only sex ed had mentioned asexuality as a possible thing, I’d have been a lot less confused in my late teens and would have most likely spared myself one unwanted and unpleasant sexual encounter.

      3. Sylvan*

        Yes.

        My school was conservative and had abstinence-only policies in health classes that otherwise would have included more comprehensive sex ed, so I understand that my teachers’ opportunities to discuss these things were limited. But it would have been nice to learn more.

        I also wish that sex ed included safe sex for more than only PiV. So many “Wait, how do we use protection for this?” conversations happened in my college’s LGBT & queer group.

    14. all aboard the anon train*

      Sex ed that didn’t just focus on heterosexuals. Health class that didn’t just focus on cisgender heterosexuals. I work with some support and advocacy groups now and while sex ed and health class has come a long way in involving the LGBTQA+ community, a lot of it focuses primarily on cis gay men. As a teenager, before the internet was a huge thing and queer culture was more accepted in mainstream society, I didn’t even realize there was such a thing as safe sex for queer women.

      I was pretty lucky to have parents who sat me down and taught me finances and explained what taking out loans to go to certain schools would mean (even though my in-state university tuition was still crazy expensive).

      And interestingly, I learned a lot of the basic “adulting” skills in high school that people are mentioning here. But I went to a high school that was in a predominantly working class town. The other school we had was a trade school. So we learned a lot of that because it was assumed most people wouldn’t have white collar jobs and would need those basic skills to get by.

    15. matcha123*

      I wish there were more texts or lessons that were written from the point of view of someone poor. I lived in an upper-middle-class city, my classmates and teachers were all upper-middle-class, and the texts we used reflected that. I couldn’t identify with the word problems in the math texts…”Calculate the area of the house you are building?” I’m dirt poor, when am I ever going to have the money to live in a home (and not a rented apartment or townhouse) or even have the money to build one?!
      Or math problems that were more based in reality…the stores I shop at had scales to measure and print tickets for the price of items based on their weight. If a machine, which is way better at math than me, will do that for me, why do I need to learn how to calculate weights or percentages???

    16. Confused College Student*

      Cooking. Not anything super fancy either. Basic cooking classes should be mandatory in my opinion. Teach kids how to peel an onion and saute chicken and chop veggies. Lots of parents don’t have time for that. Giving kids those basic cooking skills can improve their eating for the rest of their lives.

      I’m still trying to figure out how to cook healthy foods. I have my parents to sort of help, but they really only ever cook the same 3 things because my sister has a ton of allergies on top of being super picky. Not to mention, both my parents have very different food tastes and what one likes the other doesn’t always which limits the things we can make for our family of four.

    17. Sami*

      SO so so many of the things lists fall under the “adulting” umbrella and thus belong to be taught by parents/families. As a teacher, I can tell you our curriculum is PACKED. Are there things that could be removed and replaced by some of these suggestions? Sure, some of them.
      And the years I was teaching English, we only read “Island of the Blue Dolphins” twice. It is so depressing and the dog dies. After that we read “Maniac Magee” and/or my favorite “From The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”.

      1. Triple Anon*

        My family didn’t teach any “adulting” stuff. I noticed that kids whose parents taught them how to write a resume and get a job had a huge advantage and, to this day, are more successful professionally. It would make such a big difference if schools could teach this stuff. Then the rest of us would have more options early on. And wouldn’t get in trouble for doing our taxes incorrectly. Stuff like that.

      2. Lindsay J*

        I mentioned above my hatred for Island of the Blue Dolphins.

        I refused to read it for 5th grade English because I had read it on my own prior and it was too much for me.

        They let me read the Egypt Game instead, which I much preferred.

        I also remember liking Maniac Magee.

    18. Triple Anon*

      Real world stuff! How to write a resume, how to write a cover letter, basic job ettiquete (sp?), how to do your taxes, some basic financial literacy, and what the local laws are. How is anyone supposed to know this stuff if they don’t teach it in school?

  33. MechanicalPencil*

    Gardeners of AAM, help!

    I’m newish at gardening, and can only go by containers because of space issues. I’ve got a poblano plant that seems to be having it’s leaves eaten? Is there a nontoxic fix for this? Most of my plants are for cooking purposes, minus a couple of annuals. I’m thinking if one plant has this problem it will soon spread. Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      It’s going to depend where you are and what the eating looks like. I would call your county agricultural extension office for the best tips; if you’re near a good garden center, it’s possible they’ll have info as well. If it’s just leaves, it’s probably some kind of insect rather than a mammal, so that means you’d need to be more thoughtful about spraying, and any netting approach would need to be fairly fine.

    2. Wendy Darling*

      In my town we have master gardeners who regularly set up stalls at things like farmer’s markets and they’d be perfect for something like this — you could take them a sample leaf in a ziplock or something. Might be worth seeing if there’s anything like that around!

    3. Junior Dev*

      Second the suggestion to call the master gardener/ag extension. If you think there are slugs or snails you can put out a bowl of beer to catch them, kind of embed it in the dirt near the plant.

    4. Natalie*

      I’m assuming it’s being eaten by bugs? If you think it’s animals, that’s a totally different problem.

      First of, you’re right that bugs can spread, so you want to quarantine this container from the other by moving it far away from them. Neem oil or insecticidal soap are both non toxic options for discouraging pests (despite the name, insecticidal soap isn’t like sevin or something, it’s potassium fatty acids, safe for humans and acceptable in organic gardening). Note though that these both work slowly compared to conventional insecticides so you will need to keep applying and be patient.

      You’ll have the most success if you can identify what bug is getting them. Try observing the plant for a bit to actually see th bugs. Look under the leaves and in the potting soil for insects or eggs. Type a description of the eating pattern into a search engine.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I also use peppermint soap mixed with water for some things. Bacillus thuringiensis (Bt) works on other things and diatomaceous earth(DE) works on crawly things.

        You can look online to see if you can spot what is wrong as Natalie suggests. Goggle the name of the pepper and common bugs. (I think it’s a bug because peppers are not that interesting to mammals.) If no, then take a sample to you garden center, ideally you’d bring a bug in a jar. But you can bring a few leaves if that is all you have. Tell them you are looking for natural remedies for the problem. Even if you use natural remedies, you still need to wash your food well.

        I have found it handy to keep a little garden journal of problems and the solution I figured out for the problem. If you plan on doing a lot of gardening, you might find a small journal helpful so you remember what you did and you remember what you would like to do differently next year.

      2. Tea, please*

        We had a lot of luck the last few years with Neem oil and planting marigolds around the plants.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          OP, companion planting is a huge topic. You can find out what plants protect other plants and pair these plants up. Marigold work because bugs think that marigold stink so they move on to an unprotected plant some where else.

        2. Slartibartfast*

          Yes, marigolds! Forget what the blooms look like, get the ones with the strongest smell. They repel all sorts of critters.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Neem oil will stop most things that eat leaves, and it’s nontoxic to people and pollinators. I’d use it right away while you figure out what specifically you might have. Don’t wait.

      Just mix it according to the package and use it in the early morning or late afternoon, so the leaves are dry before getting direct sun. It can cause the leaves to scorch a bit otherwise. And make sure you spray the underside of the leaves as well as the top. Most pests lay their eggs on the underside, so that’s where the little chompers hatch.

    6. Raine*

      Water mixed with a little dish soap works if it’s aphids. Put it in a spray bottle and try to only get it on the leaves.

  34. gala apple*

    Americans, what do you do for insurance coverage between jobs? I have about a 2-month period between coverage from my old job and my new job, and Cobra coverage looks super pricey ($800/month). I am doing some research on short term insurance but not sure what coverage to get, or if it’s even worth it. When I look at reviews for the companies I’m seeing, they’re all horrible! Should I even get it? I’m in North Carolina, if it makes a difference.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Way back in the day, I did COBRA. (For… about that much money?) I had a baby, so keeping us with my employer’s decent health coverage was worth it.

    2. ThatGirl*

      You can get a Marketplace plan short term, or at least you could last summer, I had a low premium, high deductible plan for about 4 months. They usually are kind of horrible, but it’s an emergency only sort of thing.

      1. neverjaunty*

        This. You can buy short term policies that basically cover you for if you get hit by a bus, but not much more.

        At a previous job, the HR guy forgot to send my COBRA paperwork on time, so he had the company pay for another month of coverage for me.

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      I just started a new job on the 7th. I have to wait until June 1 for the benefits to start. A partial month of COBRA for my family and me was going to be $1900. So we are taking our chances and holding our breath for 13 more days. I told my husband to go to Costco and get some bubble wrap for my daughter.

      1. Natalie*

        Keep the COBRA notification you received and don’t decline coverage until June 1st. If something catastrophic happens, you can opt for coverage at that time (and for just the family member affected and it will be retroactive to your last day on the plan.

    4. advice*

      With COBRA, there is typically a period where they have to notify you, a period where you accept or decline and a period where you pay. The best thing to do is to say you want COBRA, and wait it out. If nothing catastrophic happens, it just falls off. I don’t know the specific days and times, but it usually amounts to approximately 3 months of grace time to make a decision and pay the amount. Your HR team at your new or previous employer should be able to help.

    5. Wendy Darling*

      My partner has very generously subsidized insurance coverage through his employer so I just get on his insurance when I’m between jobs. When I couldn’t do that I usually got coverage through the marketplace even though it was expensive — it was less expensive than COBRA. I have some chronic health issues that aren’t usually a major problem but require regular monitoring and occasionally rear up and get expensive, so going without insurance or having only catastrophic coverage is a bad choice for me.

      If you’re like me and tend to use your insurance fairly regularly it’s probably worth looking at what COBRA covers versus what a marketplace plan covers. I haven’t had to shop for insurance for several years so I don’t know what the marketplace plans are like now, but according to my mom (who is retired but not quite old enough for medicare) they’ve gotten very expensive and what’s covered has decreased, so COBRA might not be that bad a deal anymore.

    6. the gold digger*

      Don’t you have 60 days to decide if you want the COBRA? And it can be retroactive?

      As in, don’t elect it when you resign, but get all the paperwork. If something happens that costs more than the COBRA, get the COBRA.

      If you have a good insurance agent (like for your car insurance), ask her about short-term coverage, as well.

      1. Natalie*

        Yes, you have 60 days from the date of notification to opt for coverage and an additional 45 days to pay after that. As long as you haven’t previously declined coverage, once you opt for it it’s retroactive to the day your insurance ended.

        1. gala apple*

          I’m so glad I asked! Once I saw the price on the COBRA paperwork I stopped reading further. So, if my current insurance runs out on 5/31, and the new insurance won’t pick up until mid-August, do I need to sign up for the COBRA but not pay? It’s those first two weeks in August that would be left uncovered. Thanks!

          1. Natalie*

            The 45 day clock on paying starts once you opt for the coverage. So you want to wait until the end of sign up period to send the paperwork back. (It should say on the paperwork when the deadline is.) Then you just wait until your new insurance starts, and if you don’t end up needing coverage, don’t send in a payment at all.

            One thing you will want to do during this time is save any receipts from medical care – you will be private paying up front and then submitting the receipts if you end up opting for the coverage.

        2. Lady Jay*

          Wait, is this the date of notification or the last date of employment?

          My current job ends on June 30. New insurance will not pick up till August 1. I was notified this past week (say, May 15). Do I have 60 days from May 15 or June 30 to plump for/against COBRA?

          1. Natalie*

            It’s the later of the date of the qualifying event or the date the COBRA election notice is provided. The date you leave your job is the qualifying event.

  35. Wendy Darling*

    I’m petsitting for my parents who, for reasons I do not entirely understand, live just the two of them in a MASSIVE house (almost 3000 square feet!). I feel so alone in here with just me, their pets, and my pet.

    On the plus side they redid the kitchen last year and my mom was like “I’m 62 and getting everything I ever wanted in a kitchen” so there’s a high-end chef’s range and a superautomatic espresso machine and a faucet that turns on/off when you touch it.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Every retired couple I’ve ever known who lived in a MASSIVE house spent all their time in one room, usually a study. But it’s great for entertaining.

      I want your mom’s kitchen one day.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        My parents legit spend all their time in separate rooms at opposite ends of the house. Pretty sure the house is so big so they can avoid each other. My dad got a bonus room for his giant television and loud video games and my mom got a living room for NOT THAT.

        It’d be great for entertaining if they entertained, which they do not.

        I want my mom’s kitchen too, though. Except her oven, which while expensive is a total piece of crap and has never worked properly. Right now its jam is being not very hot in the front and THE SURFACE OF THE SUN in the back, and to get it fixed they have to have an expensive technician come out.

    2. Clever Name*

      I live in a massive house by myself half the time and with my sn the other half of the time. I got it in the divorce, and I don’t move partly out of laziness and partly to have stability for my son, as divorce is hard enough on kids as it is.

    3. Ree*

      My parents bought a new house last year that is just over 4000 sf.
      Their old house was 1600 sf.
      I’m an only child.
      I don’t have children.
      Still not too clear on what they plan to do with the 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms that are never used.
      They missed the memo about downsizing during retirement hahaha

  36. Amber Rose*

    Adventures in language learning!

    Husband is part Japanese and I have a Japanese aunt (who I adore, she is too good for my uncle), so in the interest of communication and also because it’s fun, we’ve been trying to self-learn Japanese.

    I’ve been using a combination of Rosetta Stone, Lingo Deer and the free textbook from Tae Kim and I think I’m doing OK. But its a little frustrating when I Google answers to my questions and get a flood of “don’t bother it’s too hard and pointless” articles listed.

    People are so pessimistic. It’s kind of a downer. It’s not like I was expecting to become fluent in a few months or even years. It’s just my own interest.

    1. Wendy Darling*

      Ugh, gatekeeping is so gross. I get that all the time with programming.

      Learning languages as an adult is hard, but learning Japanese isn’t especially hard as an English speaker. English to Japanese isn’t the easiest jump in the world but it’s definitely not the hardest, either. I studied Japanese for two (extremely intense) years in college and then studied abroad in Japan and was certainly not fluent, but I was perfectly up for most basic communication tasks and could have become fluent if I’d had time to stick with it.

      If you have people who you can practice speaking with on the regular you’re in a better position than like 90% of learners.

    2. Dan*

      Well, I’ve done that. And TBH, the person saying “don’t bother, it’s too hard and pointless” can’t explain that in a concise and easy to understand way.

      I was staying at a hotel in Vietnam, and the very young desk clerk asked me, “Hey, can I ask you a question about English?” Yeah, sure.

      I forget the exact question, but she was asking about the difference in pronouciation between two words that had different consonant/vowel structures, and had *technical* differences in pronounciation, but in practice didn’t.

      I went with, “Don’t bother, too difficult, waste of time.”

      She went with, “Try again buddy.”

      I then told her that while there are technical differences in pronounciation, the differences are very subtle, and native speakers don’t annunciate well enough to make the difference distinguishable to the ear.

      One thing I’ve realized over the years is that native speakers of languages where tone and diction really matter (see Mandarin) have some challenges with understanding spoken English because for the most part, pronounciation is quite forgiving. Then layer on all of the regional accents and you really confuse people.

    3. The Foreign Octopus*

      Have you considered a teacher?

      They’ll tell you what you need to know and whether or not it’s important or not.

      There’s a website I use to learn Spanish where you take lessons via Skype. I recommend you check it out as they have a great community learning section where you can post questions and communicate with other learners of your target language even if you don’t want to take lessons.

      It’s http://www.italki.com

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I’ve been there.

          They also do language exchanges so if English is your native language, you can more or less get it for free. I’m not sure of the quality but I recommend iTalki for its forum as well. Very helpful, and people love getting into the intricacies of language learning so post whatever question you have and see what happens.

          Good luck!

    4. Elf*

      Yeah, I’m totally with you. I am also a Klingon speaker.

      I studied some Japanese years ago and have forgotten it all, but I remember thinking spoken Japanese was pretty easy and finding the written impossible.

      Find yourself some linguist friends. Conlang communities (particularly Klingon!) are great for that and they will both be able to answer your questions and happy to do so.

      1. Dino*

        Seconding linguistics communities and conlang groups. I will also say that having a firm understanding of the linguistics of your L1 or native language will be a huge help to learning and understanding any L2. Google became much more helpful when I knew how to formulate my question more generally (how are relative clauses done in X language) rather than trying to put in specific examples.

    5. Fiennes*

      Duolingo genuinely helps! It’s not a substitute for more structured learning, but it’s a great add-on.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Duolingo and Lingo Deer are basically the same except Lingo Deer doesn’t have adds and has written grammar tips.

      2. Triple Anon*

        Mixed reviews on Duolingo. I just used it to review French, Spanish and German. It gives you a structured overview. It’s fun and easy. But it lacks explanations where they’d be helpful, and some of the translations are really off. French is the language I’ve been the most fluent in at one point. I’ve read French literature at the college level. I’ve forgotten a lot, but I found Duolingo French to be annoyingly inaccurate. Generally accurate, but some stuff was kind of weird or misleading. I think it works best as a supplement to other learning tools.

        1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          Yeah, I’m really not a fan of Duolingo because of the outsize emphasis on word-for-word translation and near-total neglect of anything like grammar. To me, it seems like — okay, you can use these other words, but you won’t actually know how to convey concepts because all you’ve been taught are these bizarre sentences that sound like they came straight out of a machine learning generator.

    6. Gatomon*

      Japanese is actually really easy (I think it’s much easier than English) — the hardest parts are learning to read/write Kanji and trying to keep pace with native speakers. Well, and getting a large vocabulary. I feel like they speak much faster than we speak English normally.

      Some good resources I’ve used:
      -Easy Kana Workbook
      -Kanji Learner’s Dictionary
      -Watching Japanese kids’ shows without subtitles (Digimon used to be on Netflix with Japanese audio.)
      -Listening to Japanese music

      I guess you could use a dictionary app too, but I went to school in the dumbphone days. I would practice a bunch with your husband and aunt too, I bet they’d enjoy conversing with you.

      The way it was taught to me in school was more like a kid would learn it. We did a lot of listening/learning/reading to get a feeling for when something was right or wrong (like using ni instead of te) and then we went back and learned the grammar rules, so that’s my recommendation. You can totally do this!

      If you have questions, maybe through them out and see if someone has an answer?

    7. Ursula*

      I am in my final year of a degree in Japanese and Korean (major/minor split). It’s doable. I’m functionally fluent after four years of full time studying of Japanese. I still have a lot to learn though.

      Good luck to you. And I know the feeling when I say what my degree is a lot of people want to know why I bother as it is hard. Japanese is one of the easier east asian languages (Korean and Chinese are much harder in my opinion).

      Tae Kim is great. I’d also recommend Mina no nihongo although you need to know hiragana and katakana before you can even start reading them. My university taught us hiragana and katakana first before we even started learning any words or grammar which I am grateful for as it makes learning so much easier so if you haven’t already I’d recommend learning the kana.

      But good luck to you. I don’t understand this mentality where people tell others “don’t bother it’s too hard” when your not forcing them to learn it with you. Or if they already know the thing and instead of helping you are trying to let you know how much smarter than you they (think) they are.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I spend my down time at work writing the kana on sticky notes and scrap paper. Since I was lucky enough to take one class back in university, I have that much. Though my grasp of katakana is not great. I’m working on it. XD

        I’ll try the other one you mentioned. I know it’s a lot of work to learn a new language, particularly without a teacher, but I’m a huge nerd and have some linguistics background so I don’t think it’s impossible. If I could say I was at least conversant after 4 years I’d be pleased.

    8. matcha123*

      People say “don’t bother” because you end up like me…”fluent” in Japanese, but with limited job opportunities because companies want fluent Japanese + super coder/degree in law/financial knowledge/etc.
      If you are studying Japanese for fun, and you are realistic enough to know that you won’t be super fluent even after 5 years of dedicated study, then go for it!
      I would suggest picking a series and sticking to it for consistency. Personally, I liked the Genki textbooks. They are geared towards college students, but I found them very easy to understand and follow. The grammar points, in particular, had straightforward, easy to understand explanations. The series has workbooks, kanji workbooks and audio.

      1. Julia*

        The more I read from you, the more I think we have to meet. But yeah, unfortunately these days, a lot of companies want IT people who are also fluent in Japanese. Spoiler alert: There aren’t many. A lot of people overestimate themselves when it comes to their language skills. I live in Japan and am married to a Japanese man, and oh boy have I seen things. I mean, I’ve been involved with Japanese for over ten years now and while on the phone, people think I’m Japanese, I recently took a class in advanced interpreting and the confirmation of everything I didn’t know hurt. That said, I never had any problems working in a regular Japanese office.

        I think you need to figure out how you learn best. I know that watching Japanese TV shows (NOT anime, they talk too weirdly) helped me a lot with my pronunciation and listening, in a way that text books can’t. My linguistics professor repeatedly rants about people who complain that they can’t speak, but never actually do it. To improve speaking, you need to speak, just as you need to read to improve reading etc.

        If all you want to do is talk to your aunt and people in Japan, learn hiragana and katakana for now and maybe some easy kanji that you see often, but don’t worry about learning them all. Heck, I have N1 of the JLPT and never used most of them again; the computer writes them for you these days.

        1. matcha123*

          Yes, we will have to figure out how to set up a meeting! I get the feeling we do similar work ;D

          1. Julia*

            I’ll be done with my thesis in mid-June, then I’ll be free-ish for a bit. But how can we exchange contact information?

      2. Mad Baggins*

        I know someone who learned Japanese and then taught himself coding online, now he’s thinking of starting his own company and is looking to hire programmers (don’t need any programming knowledge, just language ability)

        I’m also starting a career in HR with no background, because they needed my language skills. It can be done! Don’t give up!

  37. La*

    Has anybody else had the pleasure of having a leak in the pipe that runs from the meter to their house?
    Ours is getting repaired this week- we noticed it a few days ago and called a plumber right away. It’s downpouring this weekend or they would have started working already. I’m concerned about how long it has been leaking and about the next water bill….

    1. Free Meerkats*

      I have, it was on the house shutoff valve bonnet. Luckily at that time, our water was flat rate; we didn’t even have a meter. I put a temporary patch on it (piece of inner tube and a screw clamp) on it and that lasted due about 10 years until I had the driveway replaced because the water line is under it.

      1. La*

        Apparently the city sometimes allows rate adjustments for underground leaks but its not guaranteed.

    2. Wendy Darling*

      My parents had this happen and I think worked something out with the water company to forgive part of the bill, which had hit four figures. @_@

      1. La*

        Yeah there’s something on the city’s website where we can request an adjustment for the leak but it’s not guaranteed… We would just have to submit proof that the repair was made. If it’s only a few hundred dollars we will eat the cost but I’m worried it’ll be thousands

    3. A (former) Cad Monkey*

      We replaced an old line from the meter to the house about 3-4 years ago ourselves. This line is close to 50′ long and goes under our 1400 sqft garage. It took about 2 days of digging and a day to run the new line. The difference in water pressure was amazing. I’m fairly sure the water bill dropped by about a 1000 gallons/month due to the line’s age and damage.

      1. La*

        Wow! We are paying a company to do it. That’s impressive! What material was the old pipe?

    4. MeghanK*

      My city forgives a lot of the excess bill if you report the leak to them when you find it and get it fixed immediately.
      Check with your water utility.

  38. Jaid_Diah*

    TPTB didn’t assign me work so I could do overtime today, so I dealt with my make-ahead meals instead. Faux Pho soup (block of dried rice noodles, veggies and soup base in a tall Chinese soup container, just need to add hot water) for lunches and quinoa spinach/veggie quiche for breakfasts. I’m trying to add more vegetables to my diet and spend less money by eating at the work cafeteria…

  39. Could Care Less*

    About two rich spoiled people getting married.
    I’m still dealing with the fact that my sister survived a school shooting yesterday.
    Oh, and the shooter’s parents (who couldn’t be bothered to notice their kid making pipe bombs or secure their guns) have hired two of the highest priced lawyers in Houston. They are currently on TV telling everyone “not to judge” their client.

    But y’all keep worryin’ about a dress.

    2. WellRed*

      I needed something to think about that wasn’t horrible. I do not understand how that kid could walk around wearing a coat with a swastika on it and no one thought…hmm. That is not good. That is something I WILL judge, high priced attorneys.

          1. Temperance*

            His lawyer is a total POS, in that case! That’s what makes the rest of us look bad.

            1. Middle School Teacher*

              Well, of course his lawyers are on tv saying not to judge their client… isn’t that part of their job?

              1. Temperance*

                I’m a lawyer, so take this with a grain of salt: I find that you can mount a zealous defense without being an asshole. In this particular case, saying “don’t judge my client for kiling 10 kids and idolizing Nazis” seems especially shitty.

                I find a lot of things that criminal defense attorneys do to be incredibly immoral, though, so take with that what you will.

                1. Middle School Teacher*

                  Oh, I agree. And I’ve seen some skeezy lawyers, don’t get me wrong. But if they were on tv going “well, let’s just wait and see…” then they’re not really doing their job. (And to be fair, I haven’t seen these particular lawyers on tv. So I can’t really comment how immoral they are right now or not.)

    3. The Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so sorry about your sister. The fact that this has happened again is horrifying. I hope that she will be able to go into the future with the help that she’ll need to recover from this.

      However, it’s not fair for you to diminish people’s enjoyment, happiness, and curiosity in something because you’re hurting and angry. People need good things in their lives for the exact reason because bad things happen.

      This wedding doesn’t diminish the awfulness of what happened in Santa Fe, but it does add a bit of light and happiness and love yo the world that we could all use a little more of.

    4. Dan*

      I’m not sure I would ever use the word “spoiled” to describe a mixed-race person. While she may have attended private schools, I don’t get the impression that they are of the elite snobby sort. And despite growing up around Hollywood, Markle has said that in her early acting days, she was too white for the black roles and too black for the white roles, and consequently, getting the early roles were really tough.

      Rest assured, however, that no matter what a high priced TV lawyer tells people to do, we’re going to do what we want… people are judging away.

      1. Kali*

        As a mixed-race person (with passing privilege), I think it’s absolutely possible to be spoiled. There are issues faced by being mixed-race, like there are issues faced by being a woman and so on, but I think being spoiled goes in a different category.

        1. Dan*

          I have a mixed race cousin who grew up definitely not spoiled… very dark skinned in a very white part of the country.

          I went to a high school in a racially challenged environment (it wasn’t white/black, it was white/Native American, which has its own host of issues) and some of the most loneliest kids I ever knew where mixed Native-white. Too red for the whites, too white for the Native Americans. (I’m not talking a one off here… 25% of my 800 student body HS was NA)

          So perhaps its possible to be spoiled as a mixed race person, just as its possible to be a privileged (or not priveleged) , but I wouldn’t default to describing a mixed race person as spoiled without doing my homework first.

          And if a mixed race person is able to grow up without cultural acceptance issues, my hat is off to them, because my experience tells me its not common.

          1. Kali*

            My point is that being spoiled and having cultural acceptance issues are two totally different things. They might occur together, or they might not.

            1. Julia*

              There may be different ways to look at spoiled, it seems. Can a person of color or mixed race grow up filthy rich and adored by their parents? Sure. Are they spoiled in the friend department, though? Who knows?

    5. Torrance*

      I’m sorry about what your sister’s going through.

      But the sad reality is that these shootings are commonplace. Columbine happened when I was in high school myself. This is the 10th school shooting this year. It’s a safe yet tragic assumption that there will most likely be more.

      Your sister and her friends are in pain. And there’s no reason to believe that they will be the last to feel that pain. I understand what you’re going through, but those ‘rich spoiled people’ are bringing a ray of happiness and hope into people’s lives at a time when there is little of either to be had.

      1. Torrance*

        *Actually, I was wrong. Depending on the count, it’s either the 16th (WaPo) or 22nd (CNN).

      2. Kali*

        I’m really shocked to learn that. I’d have thought a school shooting would be a big deal on the news, but I’m in the UK and haven’t heard about any of those. :/

        1. Torrance*

          The ones with significant death tolls, like Parkland and now Santa Fe, become big news but the ones where a kid brings a gun to school and shoots a few classmates (maybe killing them, maybe just wounding them) are becoming fairly routine. It’s like a lot of other types of violence — after a certain point, it just becomes a thing that happens.

          1. Sylvan*

            Like this student who survived the Santa Fe shooting said, when she described it as scary but not surprising:

            Interviewer: Was there a part of you that was like, “This isn’t real. This could not happen at my school?”
            Student: No. There wasn’t.
            Interviewer: Why so?
            Student: It’s been happening everywhere. I’ve always felt it would eventually happen here too.

        2. Sylvan*

          In the US we currently average one a week. We went three weeks without a school shooting after Parkland, the one that sparked the student protests earlier this year.

    7. dawbs*

      I”m sorry for the stress your family is going through.

      I’ve sat through ‘armed shooter in my organization’ training 3 or 4 times now. And the discussion of ‘what do you do when you’ve barricaded the door to shelter in place and an 8 year old knocks on the door to be let in?” (the correct answer is ‘there are no good answers. sometimes you loose not because you choose wrong but because that’s life’) makes me have the incredible need to go home and do something involving as much cotton candy fluff and pink clouds as possible.

      Please grieve with your family and process as you will. But please don’t assume that people who are choosing to bury themselves in fluff today are ignoring this and not dealing.
      (Heck, I personally will forever associate 9-11 with being in a hospital w/ a family member, more than twin towers. but I’m quiet about that, because it’s a private grief that the rest of the world doesn’t know)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Well said.

        Some times people are starving for something/anything that is happy. This is not your time for dealing with your own “happiness starvation”, it’s your time to process grief/fear/anger. And that is what you need to do, OP.
        It’s tricky because sometimes we can get so caught up in other people’s obliviousness we fail to process what we need to process. Don’t allow your observation of other people to block your processing. Don’t use it as a crutch to stall out on your matters right now. In other words, ignore the wedding, it’s not something you need right now.
        I am very sorry for what happened to your sis. I hope you all can hold each other close and find new and higher ways to cherish each other.

    8. Fiennes*

      I’m genuinely sorry for what your sister is going through, and horrified about the shooting. But people not personally affected by tragedy can simultaneously care about other things, even trivial things, without being monstrous. Even people who *are* personally affected by tragedy sometimes turn their attention to this kind of thing as a break from what they’re going through.

    9. Temperance*

      Meh, I really enjoyed the royal wedding this morning. Meghan Markle looked lovely, and she and Harry looked so happy.

      Since we’re playing this game, shouldn’t you be thankful that your sister is an American citizen, and not a refugee elsewhere? See, it gets you nowhere.

      2. Cal*

        Unnecessary and rude. Of course, shes upset. People get upset when horrible things happen. We can try to be a little more understanding. Especially since its so fresh.

    10. Thursday Next*

      That’s really rough on your sister and your family. I’m so sickened by these shootings; I think I’ve hit a low, and then another happens and I find I can dig a deeper pit of despair.

      But: Comparison is the thief of happiness; I think false comparisons can make it even harder for us to process feelings like grief and anger. I’m terrified and angry about yesterday’s shooting. I’m also glad to see the British royal family welcome someone of mixed race into their fold. Both feelings can coexist.

    11. neverjaunty*

      At times before the shooting, you talked about dresses or video games or your favorite dessert or other diversions while people who weren’t close to you suffered and died. I don’t think that makes you a horrible person, any more than it makes people who care about the royal wedding horrible because you don’t see them thinking abut your family’s pain.

    13. Melody Pond*

      I think this may be an appropriate time/place to cite one of my favorite quotes from the 11th Doctor:

      “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

      1. Scubacat*

        +1 For the Doctor.

        I’m sorry that your family is dealing with something horrible OP. No one should have to process surviving a mass shooting. Such violence shouldn’t exist in the world at all!

        Sometimes, people need to escape into trivial matters such as wedding dresses or kitten videos. The world can be a violent and crappy place, and we can care too much. We cry and feel pain because others are hurt. We grieve and feel helpless. We try to make the world a better place, knowing that another terrible thing will probably happen tomorrow. Sometimes we like to dream the fantasy for just a little while.

    14. Sylvan*

      I’m sorry about what your sister and so many other students are going through. This needs to stop.

    15. The Original K.*

      I don’t care about the royal wedding at all (I actually forgot about it until someone asked me yesterday in passing if I’d seen it; I’ve seen a few clips and pictures by now), but with all due respect, if you have ever had fun, you have done it on the worst day of someone else’s life. So have I. It’s just the nature of it. I am so sorry for what you’re going through and very glad that your sister survived, but there has always been and will always be good times during struggle.

    16. OhBehave*

      I can only imagine how horrifying it was for your sister. What you are feeling is nothing compared to what she is feeling. This will have repercussions for her for years.
      As many have said, something as horrible as this school shooting did not personally impact many people. For all you know, people who are interested in a dress, are dealing with horrible life circumstances. Does it make me a horrible person when, hours after learning of my moms death, I was playing solitaire? No. It’s a form of self-protection.
      Feeling like people are unfeeling because of what YOU are going through is common. I remember thinking, “Don’t you know I’m suffering here? And yet there you go shopping and having fun.” However, it is unreasonable to expect others to stop enjoying things in their lives that you think are trivial.
      As for the two spoiled people getting married…Meghan’s dad didn’t walk her down the aisle. Do you have any idea what she gave up to be a royal? None of us have any idea what her life was/is like. Not to mention Harry losing his mom at such a young age and hearing horrible things about his father as he grew up.

      I hope you can be there for your sis. She’s going to need all the support she can get.

  40. Justin*

    I know there are a few runners here, but please ignore if it doesn’t appeal.

    Ran the Brooklyn Half today (for the 5th year in a row). I’ve been dealing with nagging injuries for a year and a half, all from an old back injury in college that went away but calcified and then I aggravated them by running miles and miles and miles a day for years.

    Today was my best half (1:23:17) since before the injury bug bit me, and I felt really good for the first time in a while.

    Now back on track to return to sub-3 in my fall marathons.

    Also, it was so cold for LATE MAY, but that was fine for running.

    1. Junior Dev*

      Congratulations!

      Can you see a sports medicine doctor? I’ve found that general practitioners don’t have any idea how to deal with sports injuries beyond “don’t do the sport,” and the first doctor to actually help with my running injury was a sports medicine doctor.

      1. Justin*

        Yes, though I am stubbornly thinking I can live with this. I should do that now that I have two months until my next race.

        And, thanks.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          Do it. Give yourself a couple of days to recover, but please get checked out!

    2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      …so I think it’s official that the AAM runners are a hivemind. I was wondering how you were doing!

      And – awesome race! Glad you’re doing better, and feeling better!

    3. Grumpy*

      Yay! So happy for you.
      I ran speed intervals yesterday. I did not stretch after. Feels like I took a bat to my legs.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Holy crap. We have multiple elite runners on AAM! This is very inspiring. Good going!

      I hope you get your injury issues sorted out!

        2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I always love to meet other runners. I don’t think I’d actually keep up with anyone though, not even for a mile!

  41. AlligatorSky*

    iPhone users! What are your ‘must have’ apps? I have the standard Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, news apps, mail app, music and podcast stuff. I’m wanting to find new apps to play around with!

    1. heckofabecca*

      I’m pretty light on my apps, but I do love RelaxMelodies for ambient noise! A whole bunch of simple tracks you can stack together—it’s really helpful for sleep.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Sweet, thank you! I like relaxing at night and I sleep best with ambient noise in the background! I LOVE falling sleep to the sound of rain too.

        1. Cristina in England*

          You could also try Calm. It does have background sounds but it also has this amazing breathing bubble which basically guides you in a breathing exercise. It gets bigger when you’re supposed to breathe in and smaller when you’re supposed to breathe out. You can change the settings too. There are guided meditations you can unlock with the premium version but I don’t have that.

          1. Julia*

            Seconding Calm! And I think at least the first week of meditation is free, but I have a subscription so I can’t check.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I’ve been using one called Trivia HQ. They have live trivia games every night, they give away money (it’s deposited to your paypal account) and it’s fun! So far I’ve won fifty cents hahaha (there’s a big prize, $1000-5000 usually and it’s split among everyone who answers all twelve questions correctly. If you get a question wrong you’re out)

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Ooh that sounds fun! Also scary at the thought that if you get ONE question wrong, you’re out the game, hahha.

    3. periwinkle*

      So many apps… many of mine are common, like navigation and shopping apps. Yelp gets a lot of use when I travel as do the various travel-related apps (airlines/hotels, SeatGuru and GateGuru). I have two flight trackers (Flightradar24 and FlightAware) and a boat tracker (MarineTraffic) because I’m a transportation nerd. Dropbox and 1Password are essentials. I have so, so many weather apps; CARROT is on my home screen right now but Yahoo Weather is more useful. Lots of entertainment apps for streaming video – I use Pluto, PBS Video, and ScienceGo a lot, with Netflix of course getting top billing.

      If you want noise generators, I’ve got noise generators. It’s hard for me to sleep without ambient noise! I rely heavily on SleepStream2 Pro (paid), Noisili (paid, but there’s a free web version) and Rain Rain (free but with paid options).

      Merlin Bird ID (created by Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology) is a great app for identifying birds. Wikipanion is my go-to interface for looking up stuff in Wikipedia.

      1. Gingerblue*

        I forgot Merlin! I just said this in another comment, but I’ve been trying a new app called Seek which does photo recognition of various species–I’ve been playing with it when out birding. It’s best for plants, but if you like Merlin you might enjoy it too.

      2. AlligatorSky*

        Omg fellow transportation nerd!! I LOVE FlightRadar24 and Marine Traffic. I actually have a subscription to FR24. When planes and helicopters go over my house, I go straight on the app to see where it was going. My family think I’m nuts.
        Thank you for this, all the apps have been downloaded, and I’ll be falling asleep to the sound of rain tonight! (thanks to Rain Rain… sadly not raining here hahah)

    4. Dino*

      Cam Scanner has been hugely helpful to have on my phone. I don’t often need to scan things but when I do, it’s so easy and convenient. I’d also suggest setting up Apple Pay in case of emergencies! I forgot my wallet at home one morning and thought I’d be screwed for lunch until I remembered that I had Apple Pay. It was awesome.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I totally forgot about Apple Pay, thank you for the reminder! I started setting it up ages ago but got distracted, but I’m gonna go properly get it set up now. Thanks!

    5. Gingerblue*

      I love the weather app Carrot, which has… personality.

      I also have several to-do apps (Wunderlist and Todoist, since I’m migrating from one to the other right now, plus Habitica, which is a habit rpg kind of thing and is awesome.)

      I recently downloaded Seek, which is a nature id app which lets you take a photo of a plant or frog or insect with your phone and then uses its photo database to identify the species for you. (It’s pretty good at it, too!)

      A period tracking app (P. Tracker).

      Several fitness things: my Fitbit app, a yoga app (just called Yoga), MyFitnessPAl (for tracking calories when I want to), and Zombies!Run! 5K.

      Google Translate, which lets you take a photo of text in a foreign language and translates it for you–I’m an academic whose German sucks far worse than it ought to so this is awesome for library books. I also have a couple of field-specific academic dictionary apps for other languages.

      The Red Cross blood donor app, which reminds me that I need to make an appointment.

      OneNote.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I’ve seen a lot of people talking about Carrot, what is it that makes it different from other weather apps? I do have to say, it sounds intriguing!

        I used to have Zombies Run! Sadly I had to stop when I sprained my ankle back in August last year, and it STILL hasn’t healed :(

        1. periwinkle*

          As a weather app, Carrot is pretty standard. It pulls data from Dark Sky, with other sources available to subscribers. The draw of Carrot is personality – it will greet you in your choice of five personality levels.

          Professional: “Mostly cloudy starting tomorrow morning”
          Friendly: “That cloud looks like a flying toaster.”
          Snarky: “It’s cloudy with a chance of fire and brimstone.”
          Homicidal: “Yes, I’m trying to break your spirit. Is it working?”
          Overkill: “Why do all the clouds in the sky look like decapitated bodies to me?”

          Oh, another seriously cool app… PeakFinder. It’s probably not that useful if you live in a flatter area, but it’s great if you’re regularly near mountains and ever wonder what mountains you’re looking at.

    6. Nicole76*

      I cannot live without Alarmed, which is a reminder app. I’d forget to do so many things without it. I use it multiple times a day.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        You are my hero. Alarmed seems perfect for me, because I have the memory of a goldfish and near enough forget everything. No more forgetting things! Thank you so much!

    7. Getting Lit*

      Peak is a lot of fun. It’s personalized daily brain training games that work on memory, spatial processing, etc. I also enjoy Design Home sometimes—you get to design rooms and then the community votes. If you get over a 4 out of 5 you get in-game prizes. Font Candy can be fun for making wallpapers and decorating photos. And then, of course, I have the BuzzFeed app. There’s a decent Reddit app, too, you just have to be careful not to wander into Knockturn Alley.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I used to use Alien Blue for Reddit, then it started being slow and weird, so I went back to the official app. Now I’m using Apollo, which seems pretty good so far!

        I love the Buzzfeed app, it’s a good way to kill a few hours.

    8. Nashira*

      The You Need A Budget/YNAB app. We’ve saved thousands since starting to use it last year, as in money in the bank, thanks to the way it makes our spending visible. Neither my partner nor I have great executive function, but we can remember to log transactions and he can remember to once a month sort money into buckets with me.

      Even when he had to have major surgery and we had medical bills agogo, YNAB helped us keep stuff straight and save.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Definitely downloading this. I’m the worst at budgeting. Got so many things to save up for but I just keep doing the “It’s fine if I take some money out of my savings account, I’ll just put some back in when I get paid!”… then I don’t put anything back in and my savings account shrinks more and more..

    9. Almost Violet Miller*

      DailyArt if you like art history. It gives a painting (sometimes a sculpture) every day and also gives some background.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I love art history, I find it so fascinating. I love going to art museums and spending hours admiring the art and the love that the artist put into it. My family don’t understand but I love it. Thank you for the suggestion!

    10. SoloFemaleBackpacker*

      Out of Milk is my favorite app, in terms of most surprisingly useful. It’s a grocery shopping list app. It really helps me remember everything, AND you can sync shopping lists, so my partner and I can both add to it and then buy what we need when either of us is at the store :) I have it on Android, but I assume it’s essentially the same in the iPhone version.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Nice, thank you! I always forget what to buy when I go food shopping, and I end up buying everything APART from what I went for!

  42. Miss Elaine e.*

    I believe I’ve posted here before about my problems with my sibs-in-law. Whelp, it seems I might finally get a chance to get my say this weekend.
    (Background: I am the only in-law among my husband’s sibs (there was one nasty divorce years ago but currently all are unmarried or otherwise attached). They tend to either ignore me or to criticize me.)
    Last weekend (Mother’s Day) there was a tiny straw that broke this camel’s back and I finally had enough. I texted them the next day asking if we could meet for lunch or something so that I could apologize for whatever it was I did that offended them. (Long story I won’t go into here). After several days of waiting, they finally asked that I call them, which I told them I would do tomorrow.
    If you see fireworks tomorrow….

    I’m nervous about how it will all play out but happy that I can finally point out to them how I feel. They are not monsters but I’ve been walking on eggshells these many years.
    Wish me luck…

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Oh much, much luck.

      Keep in mind that we can only touch people’s minds/hearts as much as they allow us. If they do not allow us to “reach” them there is pretty much nothing we can do. We can’t make an angry person become NOT angry. They have to want to shed the anger.

      You are only responsible for you in this story.

      FWIW, I think what you are doing is very admirable. This has been going on too long and it is time for them to put the shovel down. IF they chose not to, at least the living in limbo is over and you have an answer. Not the answer you wanted but still an answer.

      Let us know how it goes.

  43. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I took volunteer PTO yesterday to do a hackathon event with my friend. I don’t get paid to write code anymore so it was nice to do that, but frankly I was the only one on my team who knew what I was doing on a technical level and I felt like most of what I got done was in spite of my teammates’ actions, not because of them. I got quite overwhelmed by the end and left as soon as we had presented our project. I’m glad I did it but today I am not going to socialize because I got completely burned out by being around people all day.

    I’m struggling with sleep and waking up on time. I’m proud of myself for biking to work two days this week and going running once, and running about half a mile at a time without slowing down to walk on my run. I’m not running as my primary sport anymore but doing it in combination with other sports has made me a lot better at sustaining a faster pace.

    How are you doing?

    1. AlligatorSky*

      Struggling a lot today. I still live at home with my mother and stepdad, who don’t believe in mental health and who seem to enjoy crushing all sense of happiness from me.

      I came home from work yesterday in a great mood. Within 2 hours, they’d picked fights with me and we all had a huge screaming verbal fight.

      Today, I felt okay. Was in pretty good mood then they once again picked fights, screaming at me and accusing me of stuff I haven’t done. My stepdad is now glaring at me and giving me the silent treatment, whilst my mother is being passive-aggressive, and wandering around the house making comments such as “I wish I had a daughter who wasn’t a waste of space” “When I was 24 I RESPECTED my parents and EVERYONE liked me, unlike a certain idiot in this house” and “I might look into redecorating the upstairs bedroom (my bedroom), it’ll probably be vacant soon”.

      I’ve been dealing with this for years. Depression already makes my life difficult and at times unbearable, but they just make things SO much worse. I used to turn to alcohol when I felt like this and it did help for a while. It ended up making me feel worse, and I attempted suicide a couple of times when I was drunk, because I was too scared to do it when I was sober. Going back to my doctor on Monday to see if I can be put on antidepressants, because I just feel so down, especially when I’m around my family.

      Might try and watch a few ‘happy’ movies tonight in the hope of making me feel better :(

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Your mother makes me want to spit nails at her and I don’t even know her.

        Keep going, AS, there is a better life just waiting for you.

        1. AlligatorSky*

          I asked her why she never stops complaining and why she seems to just hate me. Her reason? “I complain because you don’t do ANYTHING right.”

          I can’t even SNEEZE without her complaining or making some sort of comment. In her eyes, the only the thing I could do correctly would be killing myself. Although I’ve failed in the past, so she uses that against me.

          1. Cristina in England*

            That’s so awful. If I still lived up in that area I would invite you to stay for the weekend so you could get away!

            1. AlligatorSky*

              Honestly, sometimes I feel like hopping on a train and seeing how far away I can get. So thankful that come this Friday at 6.40pm, I’m hopping on a 4 and a half hour train and leaving her behind for 4 glorious days!

              1. tangerineRose*

                I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your mother sounds terrible. She sounds like someone who needs a scapegoat and picked you. I hope you can move out soon and get your own space!

              2. Cristina in England*

                I hope that being able to look forward to the trip helps make the week easier to deal with. And I hope you have an amazing time!! If you need help formulating an escape plan, there are a lot of us here who would be delighted to help.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            This woman is a complete ass. This proves a person can give birth and still not be a mother.

            FWIW, we, myself included, are very much glad you are here. You are very likable and you write very well, you know how to clearly explain things. Alison has millions of readers. Picture them all cheering you on. Because we are.

            1. Red*

              “This proves a person can give birth and still not be a mother”

              You got that right!

              AS, we love you. Don’t let that asshole convince you you don’t deserve love.

              1. AlligatorSky*

                We had a big (Like seriously huge) fight earlier, where she accused me of buying new clothes without her permission. (Yeah, she demands I ask permission before buying stuff with my OWN money.)

                Her reason for this? Every morning before I leave the house for work, I dash into the bathroom for a couple of minutes. I go into the bathroom to do bathroom things after having my last coffee and before hopping on a 30 minute train with no toilet, what the heck else would I be doing in there? Playing basketball? Circus act things? Going to the zoo? GAH!

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  I know from first hand experience. One million people can tell us, “Yes, you can do X.” but if a Parent tells us we cannot do X, that parent’s voice will drown out a million voices.

                  You have a choice here, AS. One million people can’t be wrong. Your mother OTH CAN be wrong and has been wrong oh-so-many times.

                  Tell yourself that you want to follow the voices of people who are having success in this world. I think I gave a very simple/stupid example a while ago. Friend A bought appliances and did not like the appliances for various reasons. Friend B bought appliances and was quite happy with them. When I needed appliances I followed Friend B’s advice. And I bought modestly priced appliances that I have been very happy with for over a decade now. Follow the people who are having successes.

            2. AlligatorSky*

              Aw, thank you! I currently have an image in my head of a marathon type thing, where my mother is running behind me, but I’m in front with lots of people waving flags and cheering me on, hahaha. It’s making me smile!

              Ahh, I love writing. I used to do it professionally and wrote for a number of different websites and magazines. I’ve had a few articles published and one was even published in an international magazine. I bought a copy, because it was amazing seeing my name and my own words and thoughts in print. I stopped a few years ago because her constant berating wore me down and convinced me I was a bad writer. I miss it, I really hope to get back into it soon. I just don’t know what I’d write about!

              1. Slartibartfast*

                Write about her. There’s got to be novel potential in surviving a childhood with someone like her. No wire hangers!!!!!

                Seriously, though. Drama makes real life horrible, but it makes great books

      2. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I’m so sorry to hear that – I remember your thread from last week, but I didn’t realize your family was THAT toxic and abusive to you! That’s awful that your own mother is saying things like that to you.

        Good luck with your appointment on Monday – and I hope you found some awesome happy movies. Sending loads of hugs.

    2. advice*

      I’m feeling very lonely at the moment. I lost one of my best friends completely unexpectedly almost two months ago and I have good periods and bad periods. The last couple weeks have been really rough and I miss her dearly. I also really am wanting a serious relationship, even though I know I don’t have the time to give 100% to one (I work FT and go to school FT too). I have a birthday coming up with a 0 at the end of it, which is also stressing me out… I feel like I should be more settled in my life right now.

      So anyway… not great… I’m trying to stay positive and distracted, but it has been a challenge.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I sometimes think we should abolish -0 birthdays and go straight from -9 to -1. I’m approaching a -5 and it’s kicking all kinds of Feelings into high gear.

        “Positive and distracted” seems like a good prescription :=)

      2. seewhatimean*

        Birthdays with a -0: The last one I had, I knew was going to suck. I was alone, my family was focused on my mom’s elective surgery on the same day, none of my small number of friends were going to surprise me.

        So I decided “screw the day. I am having a birthday YEAR”, and I wrote down a list of things I would do that year, for ME. Some of them (“travel”) were frivolous, some (“go on a date”) were “hold your nose and do it” items that I didn’t look forward to, but felt were necessary to get out of a rut or a habit, some were work goals, some were life goals, some were “clean up” from the previous x9 years of life.

        (And the day itself sucked hard, as did the week around it…but it was ok because I had abandoned that day already, and knew it was just the starting block, as it were.)

        Still, I expected them to work about as well as new year’s resolutions.

        I was wrong. I did ALL the things on my list. I didn’t go out of my way to do any of them, but because I had started with a list of goals, it was easier to say yes when things showed up that would help me tick off a box on the list. I did scary things and pushed myself into situations I might have avoided. Not all of it ended up great, but the year was one of the best of my life.

        Next year is the next -0 birthday, and I think I will do the same. It took the pressure off the “should have done” but set me up for the “gonna do”, and helped me prioritise on days when I could have easily just gone numb or been disappointed.

        I have no idea if it will ever work again, or if it was just serendipity, but it was worth it. There is really very little “should” to life, and such lousy guidance for how to GET to the “shoulds”. Cut yourself some slack, write yourself some loveletters, and make yourself a list.

        (suggestions only, take what works, leave the rest)

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I dunno which zero you are landing on, but in my opinion each decade gets better. You know more of who you are, what you believe and what you stand for with each passing decade. Small things weigh on us less because we have gained more and more confidence. We learn about our selves. I can’t repair cars and I am okay with that. I can use alternative stuff to effectively help my dog when he gets sick and I am happy about that. Life starts making more and more sense. We find our rhythm and it seems that things can be pretty bleak then suddenly the dots start connecting.

    3. Red*

      Well, I just realized I refilled the wrong med somehow. I now have extra Abilify and no Remeron. And there are no refills left on the Remeron so I can’t get any more until Monday (when my psychiatrist is back). Ugh. Thank god I have enough of my other billion psych meds, because this may not go well.

    4. families!*

      I’m having a hard time at the moment. I have recently reconnected with some really painful memories of when I hit puberty, and my goodness I thought I had dealt with that already. On the other hand, it’s great to have more insight, and I think it’s spot on, but it just points back to even more dysfunction/abuse in my family of origin, and it’s just depressing, like discovering something was even more messed up than the mess you already knew about. In general, I see these insights as a move forward, and I think this one is too, but does it have to be so painful? One of the related issues to the above, was my extreme isolation as a kid, and we’re having a “rash” of weddings and pregnancies at my job, that is really triggering my feelings of being alone. I have to remind myself that I’m not that kid in that situation anymore, and I have a pretty good life and people who love me, even though my more depressed self wants to discount and ignore that.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s unfair that life keeps revealing the scope of the neglect/abuse. I got into my 40s and I was still discovering things that other women took for granted yet I had no idea. Now I am finishing up my 50s and I am still getting more and more insights. Somewhere I decided that these revelations were just going to keep happening until my last day.
        I try to use the mindset of “Well at least I learned it eventually.” My mother never learned some of these things and it really made her life oh-so-much harder. I have cushy life comparatively speaking.

        I know what you mean about revisiting old hurts. I think we almost have to do that. We have to reframe, put it to rest OR validate ourselves that we were indeed correct. There is usually some type of work to do there and that is why the old hurt comes back. That’s okay and it’s pretty normal. My wise friend said once we get to safety a lot of stuff can come back to us. This is because we know we are in a safe space where we can look at it again. This kind of explains why people get married and all of the sudden the partner starts spitting bullets about the past. The marriage has become a safe place to do that. The problem comes in of course when the other partner is not willing or not able to help. To be fair, it’s really not the other partner’s story, we each have our own story. All the other partner can do is help to make sure resources are available so the suffering partner can get the help they need.

        One good thing to try when you get these flashbacks or revisitation is to tell yourself over and over, “This is not happening anymore. It did happen. It stopped. I am safe now.” I know that sounds too simplistic to be effective. And it does take doing it repeatedly before we start to feel it a little bit. We do need to reassure ourselves and it is kind of odd what things will work. “I will take good care of me.” “I got me out of that and I will continue to take good care of myself.”
        Crying is also good, as it triggers chemicals in the brain that keep the brain healthy. You may notice that you feel a tad stronger the next day. That is not a coincidence.

        As far as being “done” with those memories, respectfully, I suggest that this is part of your life story. It would be odd to say, “I am done with this left arm, I don’t want it, I don’t need it.” Likewise the things that happen to us in life shape us in good ways and sometimes in not so good ways, it’s part of the story of how we got to be the person we are today.

        I am a big fan of reading. I read a bunch of books on motherless daughters and, boy, that did help. I read of people finding ways to help themselves this gave me ideas for my life. Many stories are worse than mine, this gave me perspective. And I saw a lot of common threads though people’s stories, this also helped me to make sense of what I saw. I am not sure what topic would fit your setting, but if you can read about other people going through it and coming out the other side, you might find that supportive in some way.

        1. families!*

          Thank you for your response and for reminding me in particular that it means I am in a safer place and I’ve dealt with a lot of other stuff and now can deal with this. I think it would have been devastating earlier. I’ve been crying a bit, and writing and trying to stay in the present.

  44. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1. Furniture—hubs and I bought a couch and loveseat from Wayfair. Setup yesterday was ok except…they forgot the seat cushions(!) Grr..we got a small discount from this. Anyone with similar stories?

    2. We’re doing VLC. Once every other month in person. What I can handle. Last week/Mother’s Day: mom and I met for tea and chocolate. She proceeded to tear up/cry in public saying hubs’ mother got more attention than her, and how she wasn’t involved with the planning that “I’d understand when I had a daughter.” Nope. She’s the reason I never wanted kids—until I met hubs that is. I just hope we’re lucky to have sons like him. I don’t want to recreate my mom’s dynamic.
    (Oh and I lol’d SO much. Thanks to this online forum/various therapy, I’ve learned to view her as a toddler). My in-person friends did side-eye too.

    3. My cousin split up with her hubs 6 months after her perfect ride in gondolas to the lake reception. They were living in my aunt’s basement rent-free and she left for Europe and left her husband behind(????). They’d been together six long years, and now it’s over. How/why did that happen? I’m so confused—they looked so happy together! (Whereas I had to fight tooth and nail and therapy to date hubs)….

    Speaking of which, we’re settling in, he’s watching a game, and it’s cozy inside, away from the rain. With a toy stuffed puppy named Jackaroo <3

    1. tangerineRose*

      If you have a daughter, I’m sure it will be different for you and her. You know what your mother has done that has been toxic, and you won’t do the same things, or if you find yourself doing something that reminds you of what your mother did, you’ll stop and assess it.

      Sorry you’re still having to deal with your mother.

    2. Thursday Next*

      I was also worried about the kind of mom I’d be—I spent maaaany years in therapy beforehand (and since!). Once kid #1 was born, I felt much more confident I wouldn’t repeat the pattern. The anticipation was worse than the actual experience. Also, much to my surprise, I’ve found being a parent has been very healing of my childhood wounds.

      FWIW, I was worried about having daughters, too, but as it turns out, my daughter is sunny and resilient and so unlike me that it wouldn’t have been possible for us to repeat the dynamic I had with my own mother.

    4. Temperance*

      Speaking as someone with a toxic mom, I would say that my sister is a great mother because we had such an amazingly shitty one. It could be the same for you!

  45. Anonymous Educator*

    Movie rec: if you aren’t into Avengers or Deadpool 2, and you want a romantic comedy instead, Overboard is quite good. The plot’s a little over the top, but by design. It’s funny and even a bit romantic (as a rom com should be).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        They remade that movie? UGH seems Hollywood has no more original ideas left. I was just flipping channels and saw that Flatliners was on. I think it was made in the 80s. So I start watching it and was thinking, “Hmm, I don’t remember this character.” Turns out it was a remake that was done last year. I turned it off.

        1. Red Reader*

          The Flatliners wasn’t a remake, it was a sequel. (I never saw it so I don’t know if that’s any better, haha.)

          2. Kuododi*

            I believe that in an early draft Flatliners was supposed to be a sequel (sp?). Unfortunately as is common in Hollywood, after a few rewrites the end result turns out to be nothing like what was originally intended. I watched the remake last weekend I believe…turned out to be an hour and forty-five minutes (ish) of my life that I will never get back!!!!

  46. The Foreign Octopus*

    What is up with the toxic negativity at the moment?

    Is it just me who feels that there have been some posts on here lately that seem designed to inflame? It seems that there is an attitude of “expect the worst” right now and it’s more than a little disheartening to see the weekend free for all sprinkled with it.

    Like the enigmatic Michael Curry was preaching today, love. We all need a little more love.

    2. Enough*

      Unfortunately too many people seem to feel the need to be outraged about everything. I think when you don’t feel in control you lash at any and everything. Also when almost every news story is negative or they use them to make a dig it takes a toll. It’s like always complaining about work makes work seem even worse.

    4. BRR*

      I feel that way too. Not sure why. One theory I have is AAM is so popular now it’s attracting the usual type of internet comments.

      1. fposte*

        I think that’s a lot of it, and then because of more responses they make a bigger ripple. (Speaking as a frequent responder.)

      2. comment anon*

        That’s part of it, I think. But I used to come here a lot more and stopped because there’s also a hivemind – like there is with any internet community – and if you don’t agree with the AAM hivevmind, you get piled on very quickly. It’s not always about outrageous things, either.

        2. Sylvan*

          I’ve noticed that. It can sometimes make the comments go in strange directions, too.

          This is just the first example that comes to mind for me. The comment section about an employee playing with her hair distractingly, became a comment section about assuming she had trichotillomania. Some commenters who saw it differently got a talking to about trich and sensitivity.

      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I think it’s primarily the volume, which makes everything negative feel magnified (including any hivemind effect — it feels really different to have 2 people disagree with you than 20 people).

        For what it’s worth, for years now people have been saying “the comments were been weird lately and they were better six months ago/a year ago/etc.” (but they were also saying the same thing six months ago/a year ago/etc.) I think commenting communities are just … weird in some ways. I’m okay with weird.

        That said, I’ve also been around to moderate way less frequently than I used to and that’s likely to continue.

        My moderation has always been inconsistent since I’m not on the site 24/7 and don’t see every comment (and when I read the comments, it’s often for the fun of reading/engaging with them, rather than in order to moderate). That has always seemed okay to me — I don’t think moderation has to be 100% consistent, and there are lots of ways of running a comment section that work well, from very heavy moderation to almost none at all.

        That said, the site may be big enough now that it would benefit from a more consistent approach, and where if I’m going to be hands-off some of the time (which my schedule necessitates), I should be hands-off all of the time. I’m not sure that’s the case — it may be that it’s fine to pop in and out randomly as I’ve been doing— but I’m thinking about it.

        (If you’re thinking “it sounds like you should hire moderators,” so far it doesn’t make sense to invest the time and money that would take, because the comment section accounts for such a small share of total site usage. So from a business standpoint, it’s hard to justify.)

        1. FD*

          I’m curious, have you considered volunteer moderators? I understand that it’s a significant commitment, but I think there may be a sizeable number of people who may be willing to give time back to a site that’s given a lot to them. It’s also a model that has worked well for some other sites–Stack Overflow, for instance, has a volunteer moderator staff.

          I know in the past you’ve said that the time to train new moderators would be greater than the time you would get back, but is that still the case with the increased traffic to the site? I worry a bit that with a more hands-off approach at the same time as the site comment volume is growing significantly, we may end up loosing some of what’s made these forums special in the past.

          (I actually don’t think the percentage of negative comments has increased–but I do think the *number* has generally increased as there are simply more comments in general and as you’re becoming better known.)

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I don’t know if I’d feel right about volunteers since I earn money from the site. But either way, I have a feeling it would take so much time/energy that even if it saved me the moderating time, that would be canceled out by having an additional thing to manage.

            I think you’re right about the percentage vs. number!

            2. Sylvan*

              Managing the moderators could be much easier on you than managing all of the comments single-handedly.

            3. epi*

              In my experience, good online communities end up with a fair number of volunteer moderators even if they are unofficial. People who will cite the rules regarding offending comments even if they can’t delete them, are reliably civil, and collectively are always around. They are basically regulars who exemplify the community norms and it’s good to have them, although I agree with you maybe less great to have formal volunteers while you are making money.

              It never hurts to put up a post from time to time talking about what you see as the purpose of the comments section, the general tone you want to see, and a reminder link to the rules. A lot of indirect moderating can get done that way.

        2. comment anon*

          Honestly, I think it’d work best if you kept doing what you’re doing. Moderators, in my experience, sometimes make things worse because it can make a site or comment board very cliquish very quickly, especially if they’re people who are long time commenters. I’d worry that the hivemind effect would be worse with moderators. Right now, I can just skip over long comment threads, but I’d worry with moderators that if I even benignly disagreed with the majority, I’d be muted or something since I have seen that happen on other sites.

        3. Book Lover*

          I had just mentioned above the collapse of the my subscription addiction forum. I think it was clearly a moderation problem in the end. A volunteer moderator who didn’t have enough time, then adding people too late who were anonymous. I think askamanager does really well, compared to most forums out there.

        4. BRR*

          I think we also go through cycles. I know in the past, once or twice a year you’ve ask a managed us and that shapes the comments up and then they slip until you do a post to remind us of the commenting policy. Lather rinse repeat.

        6. Rahera*

          I think the site would really benefit from a more consistent hands-on approach, given the volume of comments. In my experience as a participant in several forums, the most effective moderation has been provided by someone who was not intrinsically part of the community or conversation but was willing and able to respond quickly to flaming and ad hominem attacks, things I think the comments section here is increasingly at risk of. There have been comments recently that have fallen into the ad hominem category and they really need to be stamped out before the threads spiral. Having volunteers co-moderate or sub-moderate would run the risk of factions developing, and it could go a bit Elizabeth I very rapidly.

        7. Myrin*

          For what it’s worth, I don’t see why, just because you’ll be hands-off some of the time, you’d need to be hands-off all of the time! I really think this forum (all forums!) benefits from having you moderate, so even stepping in only some times is better than never stepping in at all.

  47. Kali*

    Mostly just venting here, but advice/thoughts very much appreciated.

    I’m a mature student (30 this summer!), in my second year at uni. My course is relatively small, and there is one girl, A, that I mainly hang out with. We have a complicated relationship. We’re supposed to be moving in together next month, and I’ve already signed the lease, but I’m hoping to get out of it. Here’s a long rant about why.

    A is used to being one of the smartest people in the room, and that hasn’t been the case at university. She’s on the verge of failing. She explains away her bad marks with stories like getting marked down for using information from another module, which isn’t something that can happen. I know for a fact the she misunderstood the questions, and confused RNA, DNA, and proteins, which isn’t something you can do in a genetic degree. She also claims that our adviser purposefully marks her more harshly than anyone else, because he expects more of it. I get that she’s saying these things because she bases her self-esteem on her grades and needs to make it okay, and I know enough about myself to know that the reason I’m annoyed by this is because I also base my self-esteem on grades. I don’t think she’s thought through the implication that, if the tutor is marking her down specifically because she’s smart (which is definitely not the case), that would mean he expects more from her than everyone else in our year, which is also note the case (failing to suppress the urge to point out that I am the student with the best grades on our course). She’s astonishingly lacking in self-awareness. She often corrects me on things, when she’s misunderstood what I was saying, or misunderstood whatever she’s trying to explain, which is maddening. Especially when it’s academics. I get the impression that, deep down, she really does believe she’s smarter than everyone else, including me, from the adviser thing and other comments. She also orders me about over the most ridiculous things, for no reason (most recently, telling me to get a peppermint tea with my free tea voucher, despite knowing that I hate peppermint). I’ve been making excuses for this over the last year and a half because I know that everything that irritates me about her are things that other people could reasonably criticise about me. I think (hope) I’ve gotten a lot better, but that was very much what I was like in my late teens/early twenties. She’s also quite poor at managing money, and often complains about not being able to buy food (but perfectly able to buy tickets to sports matches). When I’ve loaned her money she has paid me back, but the final straw in doing that was when she asked for money to get a taxi after a sports game. I haven’t taken a taxi in a decade because I know I can’t afford it. Anyway, the actual relevant part is that I often feel pressured to share food with her, and I think that will definitely be worse if we lived together. The final straw, though, is something she said to me the other day. I’ve posted over the past few weeks about working on my impulse anger issues and victim complex, and basically trying to forgive people, not hold grudges and not give in to negative emotions without thinking. When we talk, she’s often only half listening. She never asks me how I am, or remembers the last thing we talked about. She tells me the same sports stories over and over. Occasionally, I wait for her to take a breath then tell her something about my life. Again, I get why she does this. She didn’t have any friends at school. This is the first time in her life she’s been part of a big, social group, and she’s excited to talk about them. Also, I know that it took me years to figure out that people like when you ask about them. I was raised in a family where no one ever asked how you are – to this day, neither of my parents have ever asked how things are going for me – so I thought it was normal, and even polite, to wait to be told rather than to ask. It wouldn’t be fair to be mad at someone ten years younger than me for something I didn’t know ten years ago.

    Anyway, I told her a bit about my anger issues, and that I’d realised my father leaving when I was a toddler had affected me. I thought it hadn’t because I didn’t want my parents to get back together, but I’ve recently realised that it’s not normal to expect people to leave. When I’m in a relationship, I’m constantly asking myself, like nudging at a loose tooth, “will I be okay if this ends? Will I cope? Will it feel okay?”. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy which inevitably leads to the end of the relationship, and is a factor in why my current relationship is on hiatus for 8 weeks, which was the catalyst for this self examination. Anyway, I caught her up on the new realisation, and she said “you can never get married then”, and went on to repeat the exact thing I just told her about the self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I replied “Not if I keep that habit, but you know, I’m working on it, and making great progress.”

    She just repeated “You can never get married”.

    I said “I think I can work on it -”

    She said “You can never get married.”

    Later, I reflected on that. I realised that I don’t want my friends to speak to me that way. She is entitled to her opinion, but not to state a cruel opinion as objective fact. I messaged her, reminded her that she’d said that, said that I get that sometimes she will need to tell me something that is unpleasant, but which is objectively true and helpful for me to know, but this is not it. I approached it that way because she’s still at the stage where she views expression as a binary; either true and rude or polite/kind but lying. I used to have that idea too, but now I realise it’s more of a cross sort of thing, and you can (and usually should) stay in the ‘polite/kind and true’ section. I said that I need her not to say things like that to me any more.

    Her response was “I’m sorry you interpreted it that way”. I don’t think I can make excuses for this any more. She’s literally just told me that it’s on me not to interpret the rude and hurtful things she says in a rude and hurtful way. She also likes to define me as someone who is ‘easily offended’, which is why I’m fairly sure that interpretation is correct. She genuinely doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the rude and condescending way she speaks to me. I disagree.

    My ideal solution is to go grey-rock. That doesn’t come naturally to me. I want to tell her off. I want to lord my grades over her. I want to tell her about every mistake she’s ever made, then never speak to her again. I also do NOT want to do that. I don’t want to be someone who hurts people through anger any more. I don’t want to hurt her specifically. I’ve seen her cry over her grades, and over not having any friends at school. I don’t think spelling these things out to her would be kind or helpful in any possible way. I want to withdraw from the friendship – not share things with her, not give her food or money, not listen to any more sports stories – but without burning bridges in a rage-explosion (which I have done before and don’t want to do again).

    I’ve told her and the other future-housemates that “There’s a possibility I might not return to uni next semester” and asked if they can find someone to take over my lease. I’ve gone with that because I feel like that’s probably the most common reason for a student to break a lease, and it’s not technically a lie. It IS a lie, but it’s the only reasonable explanation I can think of. I don’t want her future housemates to think badly of her, and I think it would be a cruel and unreasonable thing to do, to tell her or them that I don’t want to live with her and why. Next semester, I’ll just say I don’t want to talk about it, and let them believe that I had a family emergency or failed an exam but passed the resit, or whatever explanation they like. I’m hoping to get another room. There’s a glut of single-rooms being offered this month, although, to make things a little more tense, because I don’t have parents to live with, I will literally be homeless if I don’t find somewhere to live before the end of June. My ex/partner/hiatus would let me live with him if I needed to, because our relationship was built on him taking care of me, but that’s another pattern I’m trying to break, and wouldn’t be a great decision under the circumstances anyway.

    1. dawbs*

      if it’s a ‘maybe’ it’s not a lie as much as it’s ‘helping them not be stuck if it DOES happen”, at least athat’s how I’d treat it.

      I hope you find a home. and gray rock is hard, but sometimes comes with a lot of gloating power internally. the internal monologue of “nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey, goodbye. you suck and I could tell you off, but I”M so much classier than you, and the opposite of love is indifference not hate, why did I ever care what you thought?” is sometimes reassuring.
      it just takes time to get there.

    2. Kali*

      I felt like I could be clearer about this. I don’t want to live with A because, if I get more annoyed, apart from being unpleasant, I’ll become more and more tempted to tell her all of these unkind, unhelpful things. Another scenario – which scares me more – is that I might forget that I don’t deserve to be treated like that and just accept it.

    3. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I’d say “not to judge,” but this is SUPER judgy – why’d you even consider moving in with A in the first place? More to the point, I understand why (probably $$$), but the way you described her makes her sound like a really annoying person, and I’m guessing this didn’t happen overnight.

      That said…like, hm. First of all, I’m glad you’re considering her feelings more than it sounds like she’s ever considered yours. And there’s a lot of stuff you’ve already done with telling A that you might not return to university. But also, don’t be so afraid of hurting people that you build elaborate stories to spare their feelings. I mean, A might be younger, but she probably will figure out what’s going on anyway. It’s like your thinking about when she said that you can never get married – it’s not a line between true and rude or polite and a lie, it’s a grid.

      Also, looking over your post, maybe I’m reading too much into it, but…you talk almost as negatively about yourself as you do about A. You say that you have similar personalities (which might be why you’re clashing), and in addition that you were also more insensitive when you were her age, that you used to hurt people in malice, and that you’re co-dependent on your partner. I mean, love yourself! For starters, you’re going back to uni and majoring in genetics – you’re probably pretty intelligent. And you sound like you’ve grown a lot as a person since ten years ago. And most important, your comment, although it’s a rant, is really thoughtful and kind at times. Even though A’s hurt you (and sometimes pretty seriously – I totally agree that the “you can never get married” thing was simply cruel of her to say, and she stood by her comments with a “sorry if you were offended lol”), it seems like you still want to protect her at times. (Actually, you do still want to protect her. You don’t want to talk about what she’s done to you because you’re afraid that it’ll ruin her relationships.) Give yourself some credit for not wanting to burn her to the ground.

      tl;dr: you made bad decisions and I’m internet judging you for them, but you’re still a good person and stop beating yourself up

      Okay, now that THAT’S out the way, start looking for a room immediately – at least they already know you’re not moving in with them. Make yourself busy (I don’t suggest training for a marathon, but I found that worked wonders for me). Possibly seek out a therapist if you can afford it. And if you have to crash on your partner’s couch for a month or two, ain’t no shame – but make sure you’re still looking! (I suspect that part of your fear is that you will stop looking. Force yourself to, if you have to. This is easier said than done, I admit.)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Your friend, A, has a lot of problems herself. It seems to be that the two of you cannot be of meaningful help to each other.

      My suggestion is difficult to do. I suggest that you stay out of the ups and downs with A and focus on bailing yourself out of this situation. It will take a good effort on your part to get situated in a new spot. At this point, Friend A is more like quicksand than a friend. She has you treading to keep your head above the quicksand. You don’t need this additional burden right now. You have enough going on otherwise.

      Friendship is a two way street. Both parties should benefit from the relationship. It is not wrong to insist that you see benefit in relationships. If you don’t see a benefit then it is time to move on.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all that! I hope you find a great place very quickly.

      Just to share something that helped me a lot in life — I had a lot less anger and resentment when I stopped trying to figure out *why* people were being assholes, or whether they were bigger or smaller assholes than me, or if I was fully justified in maybe thinking they were assholes…

      And I just quit spending time with assholes, because I didn’t like them and I didn’t want to, and that’s a good enough reason.

      The extra bonus of that, is that by spending more time around nicer people, I became less of an asshole myself.

      You are 100 percent allowed to say, “I’ve decided this isn’t working for me, I don’t want to do it anymore,” about nearly every situation in life. Only a very few exceptions.

    6. neverjaunty*

      I got tired of your “friend” halfway through your comment and I don’t even have to spend time with her! (And you don’t have to hangout out with someone awful based on ‘I might have those qualities too’. Companionship shouldn’t be penance.)

      I don’t think a rage-explosion is wise either, but this is clearly not someone who is apt to listen to reason or to your opinions about how she’s hurting you. Distance and peacing our seem like they’d work better.

    7. Kali*

      Thanks to everyone who’s replied. I genuinely thought people might say I was being too harsh on her. There’s a room I’d really like to get – not in a student area but direct route to uni, living in a house with the landlord’s family rather than other students, and they have a cat! – and a couple of other good options.

      It’s exam time, so I’m finding it harder to find good things about people. I think I agreed to move in with her because I really dislike not knowing where I’m going to be living and looking for places, and that sorted that out quite easily. She’s also, in a weird way, relaxing to be around. She doesn’t even notice if I snap at her, and she’s always up for hanging out. Even if I haven’t agreed to the last 19 invitations, she’ll still ask the 20th time. I also feel bad for her because I know that no one else in our class likes her. That said, I’ve just remembered that she stole one of my story ideas. Last year, I told her about an idea I had, about a lonely, socially awkward genetics researcher who becomes obsessed with a H. denisovan fossil and begins to imagine that he was her perfect man, eventually deciding to impregnate herself, combining their DNA to create the embryo. A few weeks ago, she told me ‘her’ story, about a researcher who clones H. habilis by using herself as a surrogate and egg donor for his DNA, and how she hides the required 2-year pregnancy. I pointed out the similarities to my story and she just acknowledged that I was speaking with a “yeah” and carried on talking. So, yes, I definitely need to end this friendship, not with a big hurtful break-up, but with a withdrawal.

      1. Effie, who is happy to be herself*

        African Violet! Context: Captain Awkward has a lot of great advice about slowing withdrawing from friendships under the name “African Violet”.

        Good luck! You’ll feel much better as you ease her out of your life. And you never know, once you start withdrawing, she may ghost you back (a toxic friend of mine did :P I felt unhappy for about two minutes and then felt SO relieved and got over feeling unhappy. Horrible human being out of my life = win)

        1. Kali*

          Thanks! I’ve read some Captain Awkward before, but hadn’t explored that specific tag.

      2. LilySparrow*

        By the way, you can still write your story. Unless hers has been optioned for a movie, or something, there’s no reason you can’t do yours and even publish it. Just because she wrote something (if she did actually write it) doesn’t give her cosmic dibsies.

        1. Kali*

          Thanks. :) She does write and self-publish on Kindle, so she may well write it before me. Her grammar isn’t great though, so even if it takes me 30-40 years (one of my favourite novelists, Sheri Tepper, began writing and publishing in her late fifties), I know I can write my own and we won’t be competing.

  48. Ask a Manager* Post author

    We got terrible news about Lucy yesterday, and then much better news today. Yesterday morning I took her to the emergency vet because she’d had two odd spells of extreme lethargy a week apart (where I could barely rouse her, and she is normally never a deep sleeper). The vet found what looked like masses in her eyes and said she very likely had brain cancer and 1-2 months at best (and possibly more like weeks).

    They kept her overnight to try to get her blood pressure down because it was dangerously high. This morning, though, they think it’s not cancer at all, and in fact is hypertension — her blood pressure was horribly high, and once they got it down, the “masses” in her eyes starting shrinking, and seem to be not masses but broken blood vessels caused by the blood pressure. They still don’t know what’s causing the high blood pressure, but that’s treatable and we’re now being told it’s more likely she has years rather than months/weeks. I am hoping to be allowed to take her home later today.

    Hug all your animals (and people, for that matter).

    3. Lcsa99*

      Hugs and scratches for the poor kitty. I know how horrible that feels, and I am so glad you got good news.

    4. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      I’m sorry to hear that she’s sick – but really glad it’s not cancer! Good luck, and I hope you and the vets keep it under control!

    5. Rogue*

      Oh goodness! I’m glad she’s doing better today. Hopefully, your vets can figure out the underlying cause of the high blood pressure. Definitely will be sending you all good vibes. *off to hug my dogs*

    7. Mimmy*

      Oh goodness, what a scare!! I’m happy that it’s not cancer and something more treatable. I hope they find the underlying cause and she is back to her old self soon!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I’m hugging here!

      High blood pressure. How are her kidneys? It sounds like she will have a new diet when she comes home. I hope you bring her home today.

      You have to let us know how she is doing.

    9. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Poor Lucy! It is so horrible to get that news, but I’m glad she is probably not in immediate danger.

    10. Foreign Octopus*

      You poor thing! I’m so glad that it’s something that’s treatable. I think the waiting and the not-knowing is significantly worse, when you’re running through all the worst case scenarios on your head.

      Give Lucy lots of hugs. I’m currently typing this out around my own cat who’s sat on my chest.

    11. It’s all good*

      Aww I’m glad it’s less serious but of course it still sucks kitty is going through this. Hope stabilization is around the corner.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I’m glad she’s back. What a tough thing to deal with! At least the current diagnosis sounds much better than the original diagnosis. I hope she’s feeling better.

    14. Trixie*

      What a rollercoaster. Yes, hug all your animals and your people. My orange boy (tabby) is now 15 and I appreciate every day I get with “Creamsicle.”

    16. Aphrodite*

      Oh, Alison, I am sorry. But hopeful. I am sending good vibes to Lucy. Please let us know further developments.

    17. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Oh gosh, how scary! I’m glad that it seems like something treatable.

      Though I have to admit I’m really curious about how they check a cat’s blood pressure.

    19. Kuododi*

      Oh my word….!!!! Many blessings to you and your beloved…both two and four legged. Grace and Peace.

    20. Free Meerkats*

      Our old boy, now 17,has been in blood pressure meds for about 5 years now. His kidney function is good, it’s a viable long term thing. Good luck with Lucy!

  49. The well sibling*

    Has anyone who reads or comments here heard of Well Sibling Syndrome? Is anyone the well sibling?

    My mentally ill, out of control, criminal sister is out of control. She has 3 kids under 4, all by different men and she doesn’t know or remember who the fathers are. She is pregnant again and doesn’t know who the father is. Her oldest and second were both born while she was in jail on different crimes. After she got out the first time she broke probation within a month and went back again.

    She is a high school drop out. I’m not. She has a criminal record. I don’t. She has no stable job history. I do. She’s not responsible. I am.

    This means I am somehow responsible for her kids according to my family and others. I am supposed to give her rent money so the kids have a place to live. I’m supposed to buy food, clothes and diapers. I’m supposed to make sure they go to the doctor.

    CPS knows who my sister is. When she was pregnant with her 3rd she was self medicating with illegal drugs because of her anxiety. They took the baby not long after birth as well as the other 2. They gave her the kids back eventually. The police know who she is as she has been arrested several times.

    I’m the bad guy for not helping. For making my parents “shoulder the burden” whenever she goes to prison. For not paying her rent ‘forcing’ her to live with my parents. For not chipping in with her legal bills. For not stepping in to be a mother for kids I had no hand in creating.

    I barely talk to my family now. I hate that refusing to have anything to do with my sister and her kids makes me the bad guy. I’m not responsible for her choices or mistakes but people seem to think I am.

    Just venting and looking to see if anyone can commiserate.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I just want to say that you’re doing the right thing. If you help her, she will never get better. She might not anyway, but at least you’re not enabling her and making her life–that is her own doing–easier for her.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, what The Other Dawn said. Your parents aren’t helping; they’re enabling. You’re doing the right thing. I don’t know why anyone reasonable would think that you should have to clean up her mess for her.

    2. Martine*

      I agree that you shouldn’t be helping your sister. She obviously makes poor life choices and you helping or giving her money is enabling and won’t do any good. But I do think you should do what you can for the kids. They are innocent in all this and it’s not their fault about their mom. Don’t give her money because she won’t use it for the kids. But things like clothes and diapers will go a long way to help them. Same with food. Stuff your sister can’t sell but will help the kids. It sounds like they could use a stable role model and you could provide that separate from your sister or helping her.

      1. The well sibling*

        I can’t say what I am thinking because it is against the rules and I don’t want to make any trouble for Alison. So all I will say is you sound exactly like the people I am complaining about.

      2. Pollygrammer*

        No. This isn’t fair. TWS shouldn’t feel at all guilty for cutting ties every bit as thoroughly as she needs to, and has NO obligation to play role model just because she’s genetically related.

        There is no level of involvement which isn’t going to open her to the toxicity of her sister and parents.

      3. Thursday Next*

        I think this might be a more appropriate position to take with the (grand)parents—yes, your adult daughter messed up, but you should try to help your grandchildren.

        It’s different for a sibling, though. This shouldn’t be Well Sibling’s responsibility, and it’s terrible that family members are laying guilt trips on Well Sibling.

      4. Temperance*

        There is no way to help the kids that doesn’t involve helping the sister, and this is NOT the well sibling’s responsibility. Those children deserve better, but that has nothing to do with TWS.

      5. neverjaunty*

        Respectfully, this is not fair or reasonable. Yes, the kids are innocent. No, it’s not her responsibility to step in – especially when the children have grandparents and other family members who apparently aren’t lifting a finger to help.

      6. The Other Dawn*

        No, this isn’t TWS’s problem to deal with. At all. I have a sister like this and no matter if we (not me) helped her or helped the kids, she still found a way to keep doing what she was doing. Buying things for the kids and not giving money just led her to bring the stuff back to the store (diapers and formula have a high monetary value) so she could get the money to go get her drugs. Anything and everything could and would be returned to the store for the money to get drugs, even birthday and Christmas gifts for the kids that had been given directly to them. She also shoplifted and then returned the stuff to that store for the money. The only thing that helped the kids, and eventually my sister, was them being taken away and sent to live with my oldest sister. Thankfully she’s cleaned up her life–mostly–and the kids are grown and successful.

      7. Forking Great Username*

        This is incredibly unhelpful. There are lots of kids in the world who need diapers, food, a stable role model, etc. It’s easy to tell others they should be helping. It’s not so easy to be the one being pressured into spending your time and money on it. What exactly do you do to help impoverished children in your community, Martine? And how do you balance that out with not allowing parents’ addictions to continue/worsen? I’m assuming you probably don’t do any of it – you just tell others how they should be devoting their time and money.

      8. OhBehave*

        TWS, you are doing the right thing. When does it stop? After she’s had her 6th kid? Your parents are ‘helping’ because if they don’t they are failures (in their eyes). I am sorry you are getting this pressure from your family. Search Narcotics Anonymous. They have meetings much like AA. There may be some helpful advice in dealing with this.

    3. Kathenus*

      The Other Dawn is 100% correct. You are doing more to help your sister in the long run by drawing these boundaries than others in your family are. You are NOT the bad guy. Your not caving to these demands may or may not make your sister change her behavior, but if you do go along with your family and reinforce this behavior by bailing her out – literally and figuratively – she almost assuredly will have little reason to change.

      I have a brother with substance abuse issues, not as severe a situation as you’re dealing with, but it took me and our family a long time to stop enabling him and it still happens with some family members at times. The best he ever did with taking responsibility for things was when he was fully cut off of support for a couple of years.

      Take care of yourself. In the opinion of this internet stranger you are absolutely doing the right thing.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You are not the bad guy here.

      Your parents however are enablers.

      Stay strong. You have a good assessment of this situation and you are very wise to back away. Sometimes the best we get in life is “knowing that we know”. We don’t get validation from those around us and as you show here those around us attempt to tear us down for being The Insightful One.

      It’s hard to watch others go through their learning curve and sometimes the parents ( or other people) never figure it out. Which is even harder. I suggest reading books that support your thinking. Put information into your brain that helps you to move though this. It’s an investment in you. You are making choices now that you will forever remember. Keep yourself informed. This will help you process what you are seeing also.

    5. Drama Llama*

      Wow. I’m so sorry.

      You cannot pull someone out of the water if they are intent on drowning. If you jump in to rescue them, they will drag you down as well.

      Your family’s expectation of you helping out is unrealistic. If your sister is that I’ll and incapable of helping herself, all you’re doing is pouring water into a cracked pot. All you’d be doing is enabling her poor choices.

      The best way you can help your sister is by allowing her to experience the consequences of her life decisions. She may at one point change her life – or she may not. But you definitely cannot ruin your own life in the process of helping her. That’s too high a cost to pay for a slim chance of her learning to lead a different life.

    6. Mallory*

      Oh hell no. I’m the well sibling. My sister is a mess, but there are no children involved. I’ve told my parents if they want to spend the rest of their lives bailing her out (figuratively and literally), it’s their choice. But if they look to me I’ll call the police on her and she can spend the night in jail when she acts up. Or when she gets arrested she can hang out until she figures out how to post bail. Not on my dime.

    7. fposte*

      I hear this on financial forums sometimes, and the squeeze between the parents who want to keep bailing their baby out and the sibling who ain’t having it is depressingly common. I’m sorry that it’s hit you and your family.

    8. Gatomon*

      I am not a well sibling, but I’ve seen this dynamic with several of my friends.

      Stick to your guns. You’re. Not. Responsible. Those who are trying to scrapegoat you are just trying to feel better about not doing anything themselves. Ultimately though, only the person who is responsible for her life is your sister. It may be better to distance yourself from your family if this is how they want to treat you.

    9. Sam Foster*

      You need to make sure you remain a priority and seriously consider excising these incredibly toxic people from your life.

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      It’s not on you or your parents to clean up after your sister’s messes.

      Yes, the kids are innocent and deserve to be cared for, but that doesn’t mean it has to be you or your parents doing that caring. If your sister is not capable of caring for them and doesn’t know who their fathers are, then they should be adopted by someone who will care for them.

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Stay strong, you’re on the right path. Unless you want to take these kids into your home, with no contact from their mother, there is very little you can do to help them. You’d just be feeding the chaos like your parents are. It’s a sad situation all around. My husband is the well sibling. The situation is not nearly so dire as yours but its still hard on my husband and inlaws.

    12. LilySparrow*

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this. No, this is not your responsibility, and the sick dynamic that your family is displaying toward you is a very typical flip side to your sister’s issues.

      I hope those children do get the stability and love they need, instead of being considered a “burden,” but short of adopting them yourself I don’t see a whole lot you could do that wouldn’t just feed this vicious cycle. And that is not something anyone should ever impose guilt on anyone about. It’s an enormous responsibility, and if it’s not something you want for yourself, it’s not anyone else’s place to say you should.

    13. MsChanandlerBong*

      That is total BS. You are not at fault, and you are not obligated to fix problems created by someone else. This reminds me of what happened with my mother and her brother. He was a mentally ill alcoholic. She would invite him over for supper or to see the kids, and he wouldn’t show up. Or if he did show up, he’d leave in 20 minutes because he didn’t like that my parents didn’t keep booze in the house. If she offered to drive him to a doctor’s appointment, he wouldn’t show up, or he’d change the appointment day and then get mad because she was busy the day of the new appt. and couldn’t take him. She was villainized by all of his bar buddies for “not helping her brother.” So much so that when he died, she had to find out in the newspaper. His bar buddies threw him a funeral and didn’t even invite her or ask her if she wanted to be involved. She didn’t deserve that, and neither do you.

    14. Bagpuss*

      Late to this, but just wanted to say that no, you are not responsible for your sister. You are not responsible for her children. You are not wrong, or bad, or unfeeling, for setting boundaries and declining to enable her.

      If you **wanted** to take on her children, then that is something that you could legitimately do, but short of taking them into your home what you could do would be unlikely to help them much. And taking on their care if it wasn’t something you strongly wanted to do would be a very bad idea, children growing up feeling they were being cared for simply out of a sense a duty are unlikely to have a happy or fulfilled childhood.

      It sucks that your parents can’t see clearly enough to understand your position. I hope that you have friends who you can talk to and who can be supportive.

      Sadly, you can’t change your parents or their point of view, but you can, and should, keep on reminding yourself that you have done nothing wrong.

      Neither you, or anyone, if ‘forcing’ your sister to live with your parents. They could, if they wished, tell her that they cannot house her any longer. They could decide that they were willing to house and care for her children, and if the don’t, CPS can step in if appropriate.

      It may be that your sister will need to hit rock bottom before she can change. It may be that she never does manager to change. Those are her battles to fight, not yours.

      Stick to your boundaries. Your first responsibility s to care for yourself. Like the air stewards say, you can’t help others until your own mask is secured. And once it is, you can decide who, and how, you want to help. Since your family seem to have a very distorted view of what is reasonable, you might find it helpful to see a counsellor or therapist to help you stay grounded and continue to maintain the entirely reasonable boundaries you have put in place.

  50. Victoria, Please*

    So I started Weight Watchers this week to try to shift a few stubborn pounds… I’m not technically overweight but I feel bloogy and my clothes are tight, and I hate that.

    With WW, I feel like I am eating half of my normal food and still racking up points like LeBron James! But if I’m honest, I feel better eating a little less. Certainly I feel better eating less *junk*. I’m hoping the scale and my clothes will reflect it too.

    Traveling a lot for both personal and work doesn’t help, but I’m doing my best to rein it in when I do have a choice. My uncle was so proud of his strawberry cobbler, for example, that I didn’t have the heart to say no. But I didn’t eat cookies at a reception because no one cared. That kind of thing.

    1. BPT*

      I just started WW too about a month ago! It’s been a rocky start for me – getting used to the points, then my birthday happening, and a week of work travel where I fell off the counting wagon, and another week of work travel coming up. I’m down about 3 lbs, but it’s super slow. I think I need to just focus on staying within my daily points and trying not to eat my weeklies if at all possible (I’m so short that I don’t have the same leeway with calories other people do), and just trying to fill up on 0 point food.

    2. Trixie*

      When I stick to “cleaner” foods that are non-processed, I almost immediately feel better. Once that water weight (from all that additional salt) is gone, I feel leaner and clothes aren’t as tight. Granted it’s not all water weight but the added salt isn’t helping. I am for 80/20 which is eating mostly well with some treats mixed in. (Such as the occasional strawberry cobbler!) Bonus: I have more energy throughout the day or when I’m working out.

    3. Woodswoman*

      Posting here to cheer you on. I’ve been on Weight Watchers for a bit and it’s working well for me, averaging about 3 pounds a month. If it’s an option for you, physical activity makes a difference in how quickly you lose weight. However, I was unable to be physically active for a while and although it was slower, I did drop pounds.

      I agree with BPT that as a small person, I’ve done best by staying with the daily points system and trying not to use the weekly ones. The list of zero point foods has come in handy, and one thing that’s also been useful is a Weight Watchers article on eight foods that stick with you so you’re less hungry. I like a lot of those foods anyway, and hopefully that article will be useful for you as well. Good luck!

  51. Grumpy*

    Curious, what’s your favorite thing you’ve bought/spent your own money on this year?
    I’m sorting out closets and parting with things I spent hard earned money on, even saved for, that did not change my life.
    Except my Le Creuset 10” fry pan. Omg, it cooks chicken, steak, eggs… too fancy and pricey but so worth it.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      Coffee grinder and French press to help me save money and stop going to coffee shops all the time!

    2. Gingerblue*

      Just last week I bought myself a ridiculously expensive pair of noise-canceling headphones. Nearly chickened out at the last minute, but then didn’t.

      Oh my god. It is like being able to buy sanity. I am easily distracted/irritated/stressed/grossed out by noises, and the headphones feel like I can just turn the world off around me. It’s magical and worth every penny. When my neighbor started up with a chainsaw this morning I just popped them on and the noise STOPPED. I am actually contemplating taking my laptop to a coffeeshop to work this week.

          2. Alice*

            I just got the Bose. The noise canceling is great but the bluetooth pairing is sometimes tricky. And I wish you could tell whether they are on or off withour putting them to year ear and cycling through the noise canceling button. The indicator light shows the bluetooth connection not the headphones being on/off.
            On the plus side, very comfortable.

    3. Rebecca*

      I bought several frivolous things! A pair of leather booties with straps and buckles, 2 1/2 inch heels – I love them! Plus, a throwback Terry Bradshaw #12 NFL replica jersey and a Penn State replica football jersey. So unlike me to by non-practical things!

    4. fposte*

      I’m doing some weeding too (both kinds, now that I think about it). It’s fun.

      It’s really hard to predict what will be life-changing or at least give you satisfaction when you use it. I’m getting ridiculous pleasure from having a cheap in-drawer knife organizer after years of having knives all knotted together in a drawer for years (I don’t have counter-room for a knife block and I hate racks). I have a plastic hose reel cart that I bought off my house’s former owners that is better than any such thing I’ve encountered in the intervening decades.

      For sheer ROI, my All-Clad dutch oven is probably the best thing in my kitchen. I deeply regret trying my friend’s trick of chopping chocolate in it because I gave it a few nicks, but it doesn’t seem to care, and it gets used from once to twice a week so it just lives on the stove.

    5. all aboard the anon train*

      A Canada Goose coat. I held out for years because they’re so expensive and I didn’t think they could really live up to the hype, but this past fall, there was a great sale on them and I bought one. I don’t regret it at all. I’m ALWAYS cold and this coat keeps me so warm in the winter. I live in a city with a lot of wind tunnels in the winter, I walk to and from work most days, and the subway stop near my apartment is outside and over a river, so a warm coat is a must.

      The coat is so wonderful. My credit card didn’t appreciate the purchase, but my body certainly did.

    6. Trixie*

      Biggest investment was new (used) car but that was more necessity. Splurged on custom floor and mats. Need to install deflectors but waiting until window tinting is complete.

      More fun, yoga gear! I never had much of a home practice but splurged when I completed my yoga certification. Cork blocks, straps, and blankets. Still contemplating bolsters, backless yoga chair and/or over-the-door harness for inversions.

    7. Thumb at*

      A stack of inexpensive polyester fuzzy blankets. Soft, warm, machine washable, Moth proof, and the cats adore them.

    8. Red*

      Patagonia jacket, definitely. I live in Buffalo and this jacket is no joke. I was sweating in 30 degree weather! I was warm in 10 degree weather! It is simply incredible! Thank all who are listening that I bought it on clearance, but it is lovely lol

    9. char*

      A couple fantastic, flamboyant shirts. I usually have serious trouble finding clothes that both suit my style and fit me, but there’s this one small company that makes shirts with really unique patterns and carries a size that fits me perfectly. They’re usually a little pricey for me, but they had a half-off sale earlier this year, so I got two and I love them. I get a lot of compliments on them too!

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I finally found underwear that don’t slide down!! Sounds strange, but I’ve been dealing with this annoyance for years. I thought once I lost weight it would improve, but it didn’t. I thought maybe I had the wrong size or style, but it didn’t matter what I bought. They still slid down. I finally took my niece’s recommendation and bought Jockey brand for women. My underwear stayed up all week! I resisted buying these for a long time, because I don’t typically spend $11-$12 on one pair. I hardly spend that on one package of Hanes. But I did and now I’m thrilled. Jockeys forever!

    11. Lavender Gooms*

      This is a fun thread!

      I think that my favorite thing that I bought this year has been a bunch of yarn in neutrals, purples, blues, teals, and greens to make myself a crocheted hue-shift afghan. I almost never crochet anything for myself, maybe one scarf or hat out of 20-25 projects yearly. While working on it I’ll pause every once in awhile to squish it and giggle delightedly. I’m taking my time on it, too–it’ll probably take me four or five months to complete at the rate I’m going. It’s just really nice.

    13. LilySparrow*

      I finally got a bike! It’s the first one I’ve had since I was a little kid. So now I have to learn how to use gears & handbrakes, because my little 1978 Huffy (or whatever it was) was as basic as they come.

      I look completely ridiculous, but it’s so much fun!

  52. Nacho*

    How much did you guys pay for your shoes? I knew my $40 pair of sneakers weren’t the best quality, which is why I was looking to replace them, but holy fuck the prices at the store I went to here expensive. They didn’t have a single thing below $100, and anything decent was at least $150. I was hoping to pay more like $60-80 for something. Am I just out of touch with how much a non-crappy pair of shoes cost?

    1. fposte*

      I’m going to go with yes :-). Some of this is sneaker technology and some of this is just that shoes are fussy, costly things to make well. If you’re looking for budget, Zappos carries a nice range of Keds.

    2. Caro*

      Go to the Rack or Marshall’s for a discount on name brands. I personally cannot wear anything as unsupportive as Keds.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      Um… I would prefer not to answer because I have very expensive taste and one store in particular has got a LOT of my money this year :/

      But for sneakers, my last pair was around $90, on sale. They’re Asics and I like them a lot.

    4. Grad Student*

      I spent $90 on a pair of light boot-like shoes, I think $130 on my last running shoes, and $80 on a different pair of running/hiking shoes. Spent $40 (discounted somehow to $32) on a different pair of boots (booties?), though, that I’ve accidentally taken hiking and they hold up! And long ago, spent $75 on a well-loved, now-falling-apart pair of sneakers.

      All the under-$100 purchases were online; only the most expensive was at a store in person.

    5. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Depends on the shoes. Like, I think I usually spend about $60 on sneakers – I’ll search out sales online, and my preference is more towards Vans and Converse. It depends on your preference – if you’re buying Jordans, you’re probably looking at $100+ at least.

    6. Red Reader*

      If you mean sneakers like running shoes, I’ve successfully done multiple half-marathons in Champion/C9 sneakers that I’ve gotten at Target and on Amazon for $40 or less.

    7. Thursday Next*

      I don’t skimp on sneakers, because I have terrible feet and so I use orthotics that only sneakers (or hiking boots) will accommodate. I think it’s increasingly difficult to get decent ones for less than $100, unless you’re an uncommon size and manage to snag a pair on clearance (which, btw, I recommend if you have very small or very large feet—sale prices on shoes.com or even Amazon can be really good). I got through 3 pairs a year, and I’ve been spending around $120 each time.

    9. Thlayli*

      Yes. Sorry. If you want a decent pair of hard wearing shoes you can wear every day for a year, they cost a lot of money.

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      Yikes! I am in the midwest, and the only shoes I would spend more than $100 on are running shoes. Just plain old tennis shoes (sneakers) to go to the grocery store/do yardwork? Even $40 sounds a little pricey for that.

      Now, to be fair, I can’t remember the last time I bought a pair of tennis shoes just to wear around – I repurpose my old running shoes for that. But the most I pay for other types of shoes is way under $100. The only thing that comes close to that is fashion boots – I will spend up to $70 on those. Everything else, I expect to pay less than $40, and they hold up decently well (several years) and don’t cause me any foot/leg/back issues.

    11. Hannah*

      Sneakers for running, or just hanging out and going about your daily life?

      If it is the former, yes, $100-$150 is probably about the amount you’ll end up spending for a good quality shoe with a good fit. I went to a running specialty store for mine, even though I’m only a casual runner, and the difference between them and what I just picked up from the clearance rack at Marshalls was amazing.

      However, the clearance rack (or even the regular priced rack) at Marshalls, TJ max, Sierra trading post (online, although they have started opening a few stores), etc., is perfectly good for just everyday wear. I find Sierra trading post especially good for shoes–I just bought 4 pairs of sandals there for less than $100, and they are good, comfortable sandals, not crappy ones. They also have a lot of sneakers and casual shoes that are high quality but low price (seconds, closeouts, etc.) Make sure to sign up for their emails and you will get a coupon. Never order from them without a coupon of at least 25% off!

    12. The Other Dawn*

      I had this same realization a couple years back when I wanted a good pair of sneakers for working out. It was shocking to me. I ended up with a pair of New Balance and they were over $100. I cringed, but I’m glad I spent the money, because they’re comfortable and hold up well.

      Same with shoes for work. I no longer buy Payless shoes, because they aren’t all that comfortable (I have big feet and a few callouses) and they don’t breathe. I now spend typically over $100 on flats or heels, but they last, they’re comfortable and they breathe.

    13. miyeritari*

      I’m a *HUGE* fan of Sketchers. Usually they’re no more expensive than $70 and they’re super supportive. There’s a sketchers outlet near me which I almost always shop at that always has giant sales.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I agree, some of my best walking-around sneakers have been Skechers. I don’t even know what the latest version looks like since I’ve had my current pairs for 5+ years.

    14. LCL*

      I buy work boots. prices are between 100-150$. The composite hiking boot style is more comfortable but doesn’t last as long.

      For tennis shoes, I usually buy Brooks because they are the best fit. Full retail is up to 150$, I bought my last two pairs at their factory outlet store for 70ish each pair.

      If you want cheap shoes, watch the sales and check Zappos. If you have a model you like, maybe set up a recurring web search? Can this be done automatically?

  53. office relationships*

    1) Apparently people think I’m a flirt, which surprises me because I’m not conventionally attractive and don’t really think of myself as sexual in an obvious way. I did have severe problems socializing and somehow made it through the age of 12 and 25 without any friends–implying there’s probably something I do that’s not socially acceptable that I can’t identify.

    I’m finally OK with being myself and have people who think I’m weird but still like me anyway. Should I try to modify my behavior to be less flirty–and by extension more professional?

    2) How do you navigate office crushes? The first part of this is I have my first harmless crush on an older man (harmless, because I’m not seriously thinking of pursuing a relationship with him, but I still want to impress him and after an interaction with him I’ll be re-playing the scene in my head for a little too long). The second part of it is I have a warehouse worker who makes his crush on me–which I suspect began because I made small talk with him–a little too obvious. He’s not doing anything inappropriate, but it’s a little awkward and I don’t know if this is just a harmless crush or I should make it clear to him that it’s never going to happen (because I’m too busy with other stuff, not because he’s a warehouse worker). The third part of is I’ve had instances where non-feminine women seem to hint that they’re interested in me (also a non-feminine woman) and want to hang out outside of work.

      1. Lissa*

        Do you really think the rule was changed and you didn’t know about it, or was this just a snarky way to inform the OP she posted in the wrong thread?

    2. Mephyle*

      It sounds like relationship stuff to me. The fact that they were met at work is incidental to the problem which is more of a How to Life problem.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Flirting doesn’t have an attractiveness requirement, it’s about being confident in yourself. And it doesn’t have to be about sex. It sounds like you have a loving acceptance of who you are that shows and people are responding to it. That is their choice. If they express interest in more of a relationship then it’s up to you to accept or decline. Maybe, since you admit to being socially inexperienced, you are signaling more than you intend. But women often get accused of flirting when they’re just being social or civil so maybe not. For those that are showing subtle interest in you, it’s best to wait until it’s overt before acting. Don’t turn down any dates until you’re asked on one. That gives everyone plausible deniability and keeps the work relationship running smoothly. It’s possible your crush sees your feelings and is doing the same for you. These things tend to fade if they’re not fed. For your time spent rewinding, the best thing to do is set a timer and do it fully and productively for 15 minutes and then call that task done and distract yourself when you try to rewind again. Then gradually shorten the time allowed.

  54. Sofie*

    *Sigh* One of my fave bands are touring this summer but I have to go to another country to go to one of their concerts. None of my close friends have time/money for the trip. And most of the concerts are on weekdays so I/we would need at least two days off work. But I don’t have a job and I’m hoping to have one before the tour begins, so I don’t know if I’ll have time off for it yet. And if I don’t have a job at that time should I really spend money on a short abroad trip plus tour ticket? Plus do I even want/dare to go alone? I’m just a little sad..

    1. Rogue*

      If you have the money for it and it won’t cause you a hardship, definitely go, even if it’s by yourself. However, if not having a job means you don’t have the funds, definitely do not put yourself in debt or cause undo hardship just to go see the band.

      1. Sofie*

        Thanks. I do have the money for it, it is more the travelling alone part and specifically the going back to the hotel alone after the concert that worries me. But you have definitely cheered me up! I’m looking at b&b’s now and my parents suggested some other people I could ask and see if they’re interested in coming along. :)

        1. fposte*

          There’s a conversation below about going to concerts alone–a lot of us do it. I also do a lot of theater the same way. If you want, you could ask here or elsewhere about tips on the city the concert is in.

          1. Sofie*

            Thanks for the heads-up! I’ll be lurking in that thread :)
            So far I think Oslo is the best choice but I’ll have to mull over it a bit more.

    2. Triple Anon*

      I’m in the same boat. I have to travel a great distance to see some bands that I want to see. And I don’t have a lot of money right now. So I’ve narrowed it down to one band, one show that’s kind of doable. And I’m trying to meet other local fans of theirs so that maybe someone will come with me and we can share expenses like gas and a hotel room. It’s been years since I had a vacation. I’ve decided I deserve one.

    3. Daphne*

      I’ve been attending concerts on my own for years but I understand your apprehension about getting home safe afterwards. In the past I’ve booked accomodation as close to the venue as possible and researched the route really well. If you decide to go and can afford it, don’t new employers ask if you have any prebooked commitments/holidays and work round that? As long as you’re upfront and don’t blindside them.

      I’m doing a similar thing in October, my fave band is only playing one date in the UK this year and I’m 400 miles away so booked some time off and making a city-break out of it.

  55. annakarina1*

    Thanks for the support when I vented about being single a few weeks back. I do feel less alone, and am trying to not judge my self-worth as being “over” if I am not coupled up by 35.

    I had a date last week, with a guy I met through my roommate at a bar. I thought we’d get on well because he’s a filmmaker and I’m a cinephile into artsy and low-budget movies, but I found him pretty boring on the date (we went to an arthouse movie and talked for about 45 minutes before the movie started). I tried to be positive, and sent a nice message the next day suggesting another date, but I didn’t hear back from him. It isn’t a big loss, as I just didn’t find him very interesting.

    I just try to work on enjoying my hobbies, being busy with my work, staying in good shape both for my health and to look attractive, having fun with my friends, and being more friendly and open while not being overly trusting. I do feel “old” at my age compared to other people in long-term serious relationships, but I have to tell myself to not feel as if my beauty and spirit is not “done” by a certain young age, I’d like to live a long and fruitful life.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      If it makes you feel better, I was stood up Thursday night. I’m not super bummed because the guy didn’t really seem like a good match for me (He was a bit pushy about texting, even when I said I’d had bad experiences with when I told him I’d had some bad experiences, gross pics etc. he seemed obsessed that guys had sent dick pics! Like he brought it up multiple times). It was still hard to not take it a bit personally, though.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          It does suck, but I went home and watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy and drank wine, so it wasn’t a total loss ;)

    2. Triple Anon*

      I’m around your age and also single. I have felt weird about it when I was younger, but now I don’t mind. Instead, I’m really glad I’m not in a dysfunctional relationship. I think of all the people who are in less than great relationships and it’s hard to leave because of marriage, kids, owning a house, running a business together . . . I think being single is a better life than that. So I’m taking my time to meet people and find someone I’ll be compatible with.

      When I was younger, I met a lot of people through friends. That became sort of a slippery slope where I wound up with a sort of random group of friends because of who I was living with and who they hung out with. Then I looked around one day and said, “Why do I know these people? What do we have in common?” I had started to take for granted that those were my people, but there was so much nastiness and drama, and it just wasn’t something I wanted in my life.

      So I’ve been rebuilding a social life based around my real values and interests. I think that will eventually lead to meeting someone nice and having a good relationship. If it doesn’t, I’m ok with it. Being single is good. Relationships are only better if they’re happy ones.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I totally understand where you’re coming from. And seeing a friend stuck in an unhappy relationship (that she can’t leave because she has no education and no job), and even my sister, who is supporting someone unemployed in her relationship? I’m good with being single right now. (Although I did have a coffee date with someone this morning that went well — except we sat outside and I got a bit sunburnt)

  56. Comic recommendations?*

    I posted in the April 28-29 weekend open thread looking for recommendations on some new comics. I want to thank everyone for the positive suggestions. I’m enjoying all suggestions, especially Breaking Cat News and Rhymes with Orange. I was a bit miffed at the negative comment given it was meant to be positive thread for good recs (and because I’m really enjoying that comic) but none the less I do appreciate everyone who chimed in and was positive. I have tons of new material to read now.

    1. LCL*

      That’s me, irritating people online since the invention of blog comments. If you are going to ask about any kind of art, you are going to receive negative as well as positive reviews. Both kinds of reviews are informative, and help one decide if they want to spend the time looking something up.

  57. Lily Evans*

    Does anyone else ever go to concerts alone? I’ve been to a few and have a few more planned this year and more than one person I’ve talked to finds it really weird. Like I’ve gotten more reactions about that being a weird thing to do alone than I have to traveling abroad alone. It’s just that my friends and I all have very different schedules/budgets/tastes but a lot of artists I’ve loved for ages are doing tours with stops in my city this year and I don’t want to miss out just because I have no one to go with. Also I’d rather go alone that bring someone along who isn’t really into the music.

    1. Caledonia*

      I have done many things alone – concerts, sporting events, exhibitions etc. If I didn’t go by myself I wouldn’t go at all. Ignore the friend, as well meaning as they are and enjoy going places, having experiences.

    2. Rogue*

      Go! Who cares if anyone thinks it’s weird as long as you have a good time! I may be going to a concert by myself in Nov. It’s a group that I’ve loved forever, but totally not my husbands taste in music, and he may not be able to get the time off anyway. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it!

    3. annakarina1*

      I’m used to going to things on my own because I can’t rely on others being available or having the same taste. I often go to movies alone, and have gone to dance shows alone, though last year I went with a colleague to one performance. I’m fine either way, because I can either enjoy something privately or have a buddy to talk about it with afterwards.

    4. Kathenus*

      Yup, I have. Sometimes just can’t find anyone who wants to spend money on someone I really want to see due to different tastes, budgets, or priorities. A couple of times my companion had to bail last minute due to illness or other reasons. Do what works for you and don’t worry about other peoples’ reactions. And have fun!

    5. fposte*

      I do! I like going with other people too, but on my own I can go to something weird or specific or inconvenient without worrying about the other person regretting it.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Yes! I went to see Def Leppard in Las Vegas by myself. Well, I went to Vegas with my husband, but I went to the show alone. They were doing a residency at the Hard Rock for the 25th anniversary of Hysteria, and were playing the album from start to finish. I paid for the front row, meet & greet crazy expensive ticket package. My husband is not into Def Leppard and I wasn’t willing to pay for him to go and he didn’t care anyway. I went to the show, had a blast meeting and hanging with other fans, and he checked out a few casinos. I had a great time and didn’t even miss going with a friend or my sister like I usually do.

    8. Pollygrammer*

      I went to my first concert alone a few months ago. Band I really wanted to see, nobody I knew was interested. (And, honestly, I just don’t know that many people.) Went early, got myself a good leaning spot on the balcony, it was great. And the guy next to me was also alone, and I felt this weird, awesome kinship with him, even though we didn’t talk at all. I felt proud of myself, and I’ve done it a couple times since.

      I make sure my phone is charged and give myself permission to Uber home and avoid walking alone late at night and it’s great.

    9. Grad Student*

      Yes, often! Usually I’ll at least post about a concert on Facebook or something to see if anyone wants to come with me, but if they don’t, I still go if I want to experience the performance. I’ve never regretted it!

    10. char*

      I do all the time. No one I know likes my favorite genre, so I just go on my own and it’s great.

    11. AlligatorSky*

      I go to concerts all the time. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I don’t share the same music tastes with the ones I do have. My best concert was one I went to alone. I ended up being the only person with a VIP ticket and got the true VIP experience, including a private concert, hanging out with the artists in their dressing room, getting to take MANY pictures with them and I even made it into their tour documentary on YouTube. Was amazing!

    12. Tones*

      I go to concerts and musicals alone all the time. I use to be afraid to go all by myself but I quickly figured out that no one cares/notices that you are alone at these events and I enjoy them so much more than when I am with someone who is only half into them.

    13. Thlayli*

      Some of my best concert experiences have been going alone. Just make sure you stay safe.

    15. miyeritari*

      I usually go to concerts alone. I want to pay attention to the artist and not ignore my friends!

      i think in majority american culture (if you know what i mean), doing things alone is stigmatized because there’s a big focus on partnering. but it’s not a big deal. you should DEFINITELY see the shows you want. (to make people think i’m even WIERDER, i often bring my kindle to read at the show before the bands come out!)

      I’m actually going to a concert *with* some people soon and feel a little nervous about it, hah.

    16. Lauren*

      I go to concerts alone all the time. Movies, restaurants, plays, symphony, anything and everything. My philosphy is not to wait to find someone to do something with.

      1. Grapey*

        +1, I have a husband that likes 99% of the stuff I do, so we travel to concerts together. But I’m the one that’s in the third row while he gives up his spot to get a drink, use the bathroom, and stand in the back of the venue. I always tell him “I want to get there early and not give up my spot” and let him plan around that. Same with other friends.

  58. Caledonia*

    Book recommendation:

    All the Beautiful Girls by Elizabeth J. Church is a wonderful and sad novel. Highly recommend.

  59. No name disappointed*

    My sister is getting married soon. Her and her fiance are childless by choice. I know she has taken permanent birth control measures.

    They are getting married on a cruise ship. It an adult only ship with no one under 18 including babies allowed.

    I am disappointed because my whole family will be there and it’s been a long time since all were gathered in one place. My husband and I and our kids are not ready for my husband and I to be away overnight from them which is the only option if we wanted to go to the wedding. We have left them to go out for a few hours but not overnight and not for several days. It’s not feisble to meet the ship at a port since my kids wouldn’t be allowed on the ship abyways and the wedding is happening on a ship and not on the port.

    We could afford the trip but it sucks we can’t go because we aren’t ready to be away from the kids. It sucks we will miss the wedding. I haven’t said anything but I admit to being upset. My husband said I could go on my own but I wouldn’t enjoy it without him being there or the kids and either one of us would have a hard time solo parenting for a whole week.

    I’m just disappointed and sad I will be missing out on a great trip and my sister’s wedding and I won’t get to see my whole family together. My kids have met most of my family but never all together. I know that they would enjoy the cruise. I haven’t said anything but I admit to being upset.

    1. It’s all good*

      Aww that’s a bummer. Any chance you can meet them all them at disembarment? Or is it too far?

      1. No name disappointed*

        The cruise is international. They aren’t getting on or off it anywhere in America. As soon as it is over they are flying home immediately so if we went to the last port we wouldn’t see them. And once they got home it would be the same because we have our kids with us so beyond having dinner with them we would not get to see them or stay with them. The rest of the family are also all flying to the places they call home as soon as the cruise is over also. We won’t be able to make it work to be at the wedding or see any of my family unless we want to leave the kids for over a week.

    2. Mallory*

      It stinks, but since presumably your sister won’t be changing her plans, I’d vote at least considering going to the wedding solo. It’s no fun solo parenting but…it’s your sister’s wedding. You could get some after school/evening babysitters to help offset the solo parenting burden.

      Is it close enough that she’s asked (or specifically hasn’t asked) you to be in the bridal party?

      1. No name disappointed*

        We aren’t estranged by any means but our level of closeness changed drastically once I had kids. They aren’t having a wedding party and never planned so whether I would have been asked is moot.

        1. Thlayli*

          Do consider going alone. I suspect you will regret it if you don’t. Perhaps your husband knows someone (or you could pay someone) who could help him out for part of the time.

          However I think you are totally justified in not going either. If someone plans their wedding in such s way that people have to pay for a week long international cruise to attend (!) they don’t reallly get to complain when people can’t come.

          My own sister had no kids at her wedding, which my kids were absolutely gutted about. I was annoyed that she didn’t make an exception for her own niblings, but I never let it show.

    3. Overeducated*

      That’s a bit disappointing and I can understand that it might feel like your sister is choosing the cruise over your presence. Yeah, it’s her choice and she is free to make it for her own wedding, but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt a bit.

      A week is a long time but going solo may be your best bet if you have the money and vacation time, and if your kids aren’t infants…all big ifs, I only get a couple weeks vacation a year so I probably would not go without the family in your place, but if it is a possibility you might enjoy it in the end. While still being justifiably frustrated.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with seriously thinking about going solo. Yes, it would be hard for the other parent to be solo with the kids for a week, but he will survive. Do you have friends close by or are you close with any neighbors? Maybe they can pitch in a bit? Think about it this way: if you don’t go at all because you worry your husband will have a difficult time, would you regret it? I think if the answer is yes, then you should try and make it work.

    5. MommaCat*

      It’s totally OK to be upset; it sucks! A Practical Wedding covered a similar subject this week, which you might find interesting: https://apracticalwedding.com/childfree-wedding-change/
      I’m dealing with a similar but simpler situation, so I empathize with you. My solution is to go alone, but siblings and I are sharing a room and splitting the cost to make it less of a wallet hit, at least.

    6. Pollygrammer*

      It sounds like you’re more upset at missing the family reunion aspect of the trip than missing your sister’s wedding, which makes me feel like it’s a little unfair for you to resent your sister’s choice.

      1. LilySparrow*

        I dont understand that reasoning. Seeing the whole family is part of the point of having a wedding at all.

        Do you think the happy couple aren’t really interested in each other because they invited guests? I don’t get what seems unfair.

        1. Zona the Great*

          I agree with Polly. A wedding is personal. You can resent anything you want but try not to let on at the actual event. I personally dislike being around children and would love my own wedding to be like this.

    7. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I don’t understand why your sister being childless by choice has anything to do with this. My sister and BIL had a child-free wedding to cut costs.

      1. neverjaunty*

        There are people who are childfree, and then there are people who Make a Statement out of being childfree.

        1. Thlayli*

          This. My two sisters who are “make a statement” childfree both told me I shouldn’t have kids at my wedding (including my own kids!) and told me kids would ruin my wedding (we got a fabulous Wedding Creche and nothing was ruined and the kids had a ball), and have told me that kids will not be allowed at their weddings (neither is planning on getting married). All of this was part of their “advice” to me as my bridesmaids – on a topic I absolutely did not ask them about. They have also commented many times on my cousins wedding and his choice to have his nephews be included in the Wedding as a “mistake”. (The kids were perfectly behaved but my sisters feel that they were so cute they disatraced attention from the bride, which is the sole basis of their anti-child-at-weddings argument).

          I totally support their choice not to have kids but when they make statements like that uninvited then it really does feel like they are being childfree “at” people. People like this are surprisingly common and give other childfree people a bad name. I wouldn’t be surprised if OPs sister is a little like this.

          Luckily I have another friend who despite being childfree has been nothing but supportive of my decisions on both having kids and having kids at my wedding. So I know that not all childfree people are like this.

        3. Oxford Coma*

          Gently, Mr. Coma and I made a Big Deal about the childfree-ness of our wedding due to the horrible parenting skills of some family members. It wasn’t about being political, it was about keeping Aunt Jane’s monsters from having a shrieking fist fight at the alter. Her kids literally have scars from biting each other.

      2. Julianne*

        And some couples who do want children themselves still ask that children not attend the ceremony and/or reception. (That’s what my sister did. I don’t know her exact reasoning, though.)

      3. Lily Evans*

        There’s a pretty big difference between a child-free wedding at a traditional venue and having your wedding on a cruise where guests with children will have to arrange care for several days and they’d be traveling internationally so it could be hard for them to get back to their kids if necessary. I think the reason being childless was pointed out was because sometimes people who don’t want kids have a hard time putting themselves in parents’ shoes in situations like that.

    8. Laura H*

      If you do go solo, is there anyone you can get to help the husband while you’re away?

      Is there family on the husband’s side who might be able to handle the kids for a week (if you’re comfortable with that idea of course) ?

      Good luck.

    9. matcha123*

      Aren’t ready to be away means that you and your partner prefer to stay with them, but age-wise, they would be fine? As in, they aren’t breastfeeding and they don’t have serious medical issues?
      I can understand that you feel disappointed about the kids, but it kind of feels like you are less disappointed about not being able to attend the wedding and see your sister, and more disappointed that because the situation is bringing together a lot of people you wouldn’t normally be able to see in a place you normally wouldn’t be able to go to, you feel? like your sister is denying you something.
      I’m sure your sister is putting a lot of effort into making the wedding something that would be fun? for adults and spending time to consider kids is, maybe for her, not something she wants to put effort into. Maybe she wants the time for adults to be adults, rather than people chasing after kids and being annoyed that there’s too much alcohol being served or whatever her reasons are.

      If your husband has some trusting family members, why not leave the kids with them? Or, if you are fine going alone, go alone. If not, why not see if there’s another time when your extended family can gather together? This may sound harsh, but your tone kind of comes off as “I could kill two birds with one stone.” By getting your kids on a trip they’d enjoy and having them go around and meet family members. The focus seems more on how her wedding is inconveniencing you rather than how she is able to have the celebration in the style she wants?

      1. TL -*

        Yeah, I love my nieces and nephews but when they’re awake I am lucky if I’m getting 50% of their parents’ attention at any point. (This obviously gets much better as they get older.)
        Which doesn’t normally bother me – I obviously want them to stay alive and healthy and this stage too shall pass – but I would probably find it pretty irksome on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating me. Plus young kids on a cruise ship just sounds like a lot of work for all the adults related to them, at least if you do childcare like my family does, which is the kids are the responsibility of all adults within eye and earshot.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Yeah, this was going to be my question to the OP. How old are the kids you’d be leaving behind?

        I’m also childfree by choice, Mr. Pond and I have both taken permanent measures to ensure that result, and we are the people you could fairly classify as Making a Statement out of being childfree. Our wedding was nowhere near the production that it sounds like the OP’s sister will be having for their wedding – but if I were the type to plan a big cruise type event like the OP’s sister, there’s a good chance I would make it adults-only.

        I also have a sister who is now pregnant with her first child, and I’m kind of dreading how it will probably change our relationship. She lives a few thousand miles away from me, and we normally have FaceTime dates pretty regularly – those are probably going to be completely different once she and her husband have the kiddo. I can completely relate to what the OP’s sister might be going for – she might want to see the OP directly, without the distraction of kids being around, who may or may not behave in a disruptive way (of course, OP’s kids might be angels for all I know).

        The factor that would seriously impact my opinion on this, and whether I come down on having more empathy for the OP or the OP’s sister, is how old the OP’s kids are. If they’re 4 or 5 or older with no major medical issues/needs – then yes, being away for a few nights would be really tough, but I’d think it’s probably do-able. Just speculating, of course. If OP is still breastfeeding or the kids are super super young, like 1 or 2 – then I’d think that the sister’s no-kids invitation might be a little insensitive.

    10. Ermintrude Mulholland*

      I empathise. If you’re like me, your children are some of the most important people in your world, and your sister’s basically said she doesn’t want them around. I pretty much went completely off someone I was very close to when she showed Zero interest after the birth of my first.

      My opinion is different from the other commentators. Your sister has chosen a wedding that directly and comprehensively excludes your children and would require you to leave them behind for a Long time. She can’t be surprised if you turn around and say you can’t come. I empathise and am sorry you’re dealing with this, I would be upset too.

  60. nep*

    A TEDx event is set to take place in a refugee camp in Kenya next month. Anyone familiar with this? Thoughts?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like this is a really good use of TED. I am sure it will be an eye opener for many.

    2. Lady Jay*

      It does sound good. There was a TEDx event in SingSing a few years back, I believe, as a way to allow prisoners to have more of a voice and share their experiences.

  61. Stephanie*

    Ok, slightly school related, but…graduated with my masters today! I was hesitant about walking, but the ceremony ended up being nice.

    3. fposte*

      Stephanie, so many congratulations! I’m glad that you’ve been sharing your trajectory with us, and I hope you’re going on to something terrifically satisfying.

    4. DhP*

      When I posted about my graduation in the weekend thread my post was immediately deleted and I was given a warning about breaking the rules. I’m not a regular commenter though

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, I posted with the realization it might get pulled. I understand if it does, Alison!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, it seems like yesterday you went back to school… maybe it’s just me.
      Congratulations and applause.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Another Mazel Tov! Well done! May your future hold lots of interesting and satisfying work as well as happiness and self-renewal away from work. I agree with NSNR that the two years went by so quickly.

        You are an inspiration to the rest of us to do whatever we think is most important whether that is higher education or improving our self-care or other-care skills.

        Good wishes on the next part/parts of your adventure!

    16. ..Kat..*

      Congratulations! Does this mean you will have more time now to share your wisdom and wit on AAM?

  62. AlligatorSky*

    I’m going to be in the same room as the Arrested Development cast (including my one true love Michael Cera) next Saturday, anyone got any tips on how to not hyperventilate?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Have your dad say “Hey, who’s tougher than us?” and throw something at you. You then turn around instead of catching it.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I love it! When I was in London in March and preparing to meet my favourite actress after her show (She knew I was coming and wanted to meet me after the show, no stalking involved! :P) I was SO nervous. The producer of the show kept telling me about she’s human and just a normal person like me. Made me realise that even though she was in one of the most famous movie franchises out there, she’s just a totally normal person. I was reminded of that when I was talking to her and she was so chill. Felt like I was talking to a friend I’d known for YEARS. Made me feel a little less awkward when we were talking and I somehow blurted out “Oh my god, I love you!” – She responded by hugging me and telling me “I love you too.”

        Safe to say I died on the spot, I’m typing this from the grave, sorry y’all for hiding this secret.

    3. Rogue*

      I don’t know, but if you figure it out, please report back. I’m planning on doing a meet and greet with a long time favorite band in the fall and am worried I’m going to pass out or have a heart attack. Lol so, definitely could use some tips for keeping it cool.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Will do! I met my favourite actress for the 2nd time in March. Had to have my inhaler with me as I was so scared of getting so overwhelmed that I’d panic or something, but she was so down to earth and calming, so I was totally fine. (Albeit slightly shaky.)

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Are you going to that? I would DIE to talk to Jason Bateman and hear Will Arnetts voice in person :P But only if he read off the snack menu… with club sauce.

      I met two of my musical heroes (one my very very very most favorite) and he was just lovely. Very accommodating and shook my hand instead of a signature (I had gotten separated from someone with a pen!). It was so busy I didn’t have a chance to get nervous! The other person it got a bit awkward cause he wouldn’t let go after about five minutes and was hoping others would step in and say something. Oh, and I’ve met another one multiple times and hes even met my mom so hey. Maybe it helps having grown up in Las Vegas – my sister used to deliver pizzas to Steffi and Andre!

      Please report back!

  63. amanda_cake*

    I’m relocating and I have two pet guinea pigs, so I am searching for pet friendly apartments. I had been emailing with one apartment manager. I told her that I had guinea pigs early in the conversation. I made arrangements to view the place. The lady forgot I was coming. There’s not a leasing office there, so luckily I saw the maintenance man there. He called the apartment manager, who was out of town. She allowed him to show me the apartment. I liked it and applied for the place.

    She then emailed me and told me they don’t allow guinea pigs, but she was going to talk to the owner and see.

    I’m annoyed I drove 3.5 hours, took a day of vacation, and was forgotten about only to now have this problem.

    1. Pollygrammer*

      Can you point out that guinea pigs remain in their cage and there would be no risk of damage? I can’t imagine a pet-friendly place forbidding something as small and harmless as guinea pigs. Heck, many pet-free apartments make exceptions for caged animals.

      1. amanda_cake*

        When I emailed her back, I sent her photos (she asked for them) and iterated that they are caged, so they won’t be running around destroying things or peeing on the carpet or something crazy.

        If they don’t approve them, I don’t know what I will do. I wish I had the means to just buy a house.

  64. DhP*

    When I posted about my graduation in the weekend thread my post was immediately deleted and I was given a warning about breaking the rules. I’m not a regular commenter though…

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Alison is pretty busy so she does not catch all the “speeders”.

      1. Caledonia*

        No – op says weekend thread. School posts are supposed to be for Friday threads.

    3. Can’t remember my name*

      Well your comment is here now. And congratulations to you as well as to Stephanie!!

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Haha no.
      But my ex was sinking all our money into the local comic shop, so.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yes, but we waited until we had put ourselves through grad school to start (early to mid 30s). And even then, we were saving so diligently that money felt really tight, even though we were doing OK.

    3. Enough*

      Didn’t really think about it but we were thirty, both worked and had already bought a house. This was also a long time ago. I always wondered about people who had a child when they didn’t “appear” to be financially stable but eventually decided that if you are not actually in major debt or worse that you should have a child when you emotionally want one and it will add to you relationship.

    4. Thursday Next*

      Yes—we were 33, and had paid off student debt—that helped a lot.

      However, they are more expensive than we’d expected them to be! We do have some special circumstances, and we’re glad we are in a position to handle them. But we’ve seen friends of various income levels handle similar challenges, so it can be done.

      For me, being emotionally ready was far more important, but that seemed to line up with the financial readiness coincidentally.

    5. A Non E. Mouse*

      Frack no, I didn’t feel ready with the first or the second.

      Thought I was financially ready for the third and while we were definitely better *prepared*, we were not ready.

      That said once the kids are here you just kinda muddle through the best you can, and it all comes out ok in the end.

    7. Fellow Traveler*

      When we were doing marriage prep with our priest, one of the things we had to talk about was timing of having kids. We mentioned that we were hoping to be financially secure before having kids. Father Sal’s response to that was “Kids are going to be expensive no matter how much money you have, so don’t put off having kids for financial reasons.”
      (We were married Catholic, so take that with a grain of salt. But having had kids in my late 30s, I find I do agree with Father Sal in that financial resources are only one of the many resources that you can provide your kids, and that may not even be the most important one. )

    8. Elf*

      Absolutely not with #1, largely because he was a total accident. (IUD babies. They do happen. Gotta love statistics.) It was a case of if we happen to get jobs we’ll be fine, but stable employment wasn’t something we had at the time. Very grateful for the fact that when you’re pregnant they change the income level for Medicaid and qualify you until after the kid is born. My husband did get a good job, and we were fine, but switching insurance mid pregnancy would have been awful.

      #2, which I’m expecting now: still no even though we’re in better shape. We just bought a house, so the savings are really on the low side, and what my husband and I really want (and what would be most practical) would be for me to take the year off (teacher, so pretty normal, and the rules are pretty much the whole year or only 6 weeks). Money will be really tight, especially since my husband’s employment is less stable than mine, and we have to make decisions in the next couple of weeks. We did have this kid on purpose, even with the uncertainty, because we kinda figured out with the first one that there is no right or good time to have a kid, and we didn’t want the sibling spacing to get any bigger (#1 is 3)

    9. Overeducated*

      Sort of but not entirely. I was finishing grad school and my spouse was a postdoc so neither of us had a permanent job and our income was not very high for our very HCOL city. But we had enough savings and budgeted carefully to make things work, to the point of being minimalistic about baby stuff in ways that made things a little tough.

      We knew it could be years until we were more financially settled and knew a lot of people who waited and had fertility issues, so it seemed worth the difficulty. I also don’t think owning a home is a necessity before having kids, they can live just fine in a rental! But we know we can’t afford another yet, so there will be a big age gap before the next.

    10. The New Wanderer*

      Yes, but we met late (relative to the average marrying age in the US) and and were independently pretty set financially. We also benefited from a serious number of hand me downs of almost all the baby basics because most friends/relatives had older kids. My insurance at the time was phenomenal and there were no significant medical issues. Daycare costs are really high in this area, that’s been by far the largest expense.

  66. FD*

    I’ve been attending a Unitarian church, and one thing that I found sort of interesting is that the way the service is ordered is not dissimilar to the Catholic services I grew up in. (I’m guessing this depends strongly on the Unitarian church you’re attending, but IDK.) It made me think–how do other religions organize their worship/prayer services? I’m curious if people are interested in sharing!

    Here are the two I’m familiar with:

    Catholic Mass:
    1. Welcome (usually music, followed by some specific prayers–some invoking God’s presence and some expressing the need for forgiveness)
    2. Readings (1-2 readings from the Old Testament/Epistles, 1 reading from the gospels)
    3. (For Sunday Mass only IIRC) A recitation of beliefs (called the Creed)
    4. Eucharistic section, which includes the part where Catholics believe that the bread and wine become the literal body/blood of Christ
    5. Some more prayers before everyone goes to receive Communion (the before mentioned literal body/blood of Christ)
    6. Closing (usually more music and some prayers to send people out)

    Unitarian Service (the way the one I go to does it)
    1. Welcome and part where people greet each other
    2. Lighting of a chalice, which is a symbol of Unitarians
    3. Meditation and readings
    4. Offertory
    5. Sermon
    6. Closing part

    1. Enough*

      I’m Catholic and I attended a Lutheran church in graduate school and Wesley Methodist in undergraduate. Don’t remember details but neither seemed significantly different in the progression of the service from what I was used to.

    2. HannahS*

      Oh boy, settle in. Here’s what I grew up with in a Canadian traditional-but-not-Orthodox Shabbat service, which lasted 3 and a half hours.

      0. Preliminary service:
      Morning blessings and praise (mostly psalms)

      1. Morning Service (Shacharit)
      Blessings, declaration of the unity of G-D, praise, petition, thanksgiving, and affirmation of the holiness of G-D

      2. Torah Service
      Reading from the Torah and prophets (whoever lifts the Torah out of the Ark gets to go in a parade with the clergy around the congregation while we all sing, which is kind of fun)

      3. Additional Service (Musaf)
      Overall, this mimics the structure of the morning service and contains some of the same elements. The sermon often gets put at the end of this.

      4. Conclusion of the Service
      Some final prayers and hymns

      Often, there’s lunch after, and so before lunch there are also blessings over wine and bread.
      I have a lot of FEELINGS about how synagogue services are run (too long! too repetitive! why do we do stuff in Hebrew and then again in English?! I can read the English if I don’t get the Hebrew, it’s in the book in front of me!) but overall I do like services. The length is really what keeps me from going more regularly. If we could just get it down to two hours I could handle it.

      1. KatieKate*

        I grew up in a reform congregation, and for some prayers we read Hebrew, read english, and then SANG it again in either English or Hebrew. They could be so loooong.

      2. FD*

        If we could just get it down to two hours I could handle it.

        Wow, that is long (from my persepctive)! The Catholic service I grew up with is about an hour for a Sunday service, 40 minutes for a weekday, and the Unitarian one I attend now is about 45.

        Thanks for sharing, it’s interesting!

        1. Thlayli*

          Mass does vary. When I was a kid you would hear people talking about which priests were fast and which slow. The fast ones were much preferred and could do a whole mass in 20 minutes, the slow ones maybe 40 mins for a regular service. An hour seems long for a Catholic mass.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            An hour was normal at all the masses I attended (I’m… lackadaisical about going now. Sleeping in is more of a priority now). My friend used to go on Saturday night to another Catholic Church. He called the priest there “Father 45” because they were in and out in 45 minutes.

          2. Mimmy*

            Wow, a mass in 20 minutes?! That’s unusual – as Middle School Teacher says, an hour–give or take a few minutes–was the norm growing up. Certain prayers in the beginning were either sung or recited, probably depending on the presiding priest; I would always be secretly happy when prayers were spoken because singing took longer. I will say that I’ve been to Masses that were closer to maybe 45 minutes, usually at senior centers.

            1. Detective Amy Santiago*

              I have attended masses without music that were about 40-45 minutes, but generally an hour is pretty standard.

        2. HannahS*

          Weekday services do tend to be shorter–more like half an hour, but in all honestly I’ve never been to one.

      3. NYCRedhead*

        Our Reconstructist (Jewish) services are just under 2 hours but we don’t do Musaf and do a triennial Torah service (3 readings, not 7). We’ll also frequently do a Torah discussion, rather than a formal service, which is usually very interesting and, IMHO, more relevant. Of course, all of this is after a 60-minute Friday night service.

    3. Thlayli*

      I’ve been to various Christian services both Catholic and Protestant and they all seem pretty similar and follow pretty much the structure you describe.

      I’ve been to lots of Hindi services too and they are very different. I can’t even describe them accurately because I didn’t know what was going on half the time. As I understand it:
      Most Hindus worship primarily in their homes rather than in temple. When they go to temple they pray to the gods but it’s not a formal group service like in Christianity. Group services are mainly for celebrations of what Catholics would call the sacraments – baptism, weddings, funerals etc.

      At Hindi celebrations the service part takes place on a stage (sometimes a literal stage, sometimes an area set aside in the living room). Outside of this area people can move around and talk and eat etc. There is no expectation to sit quietly and pay attention. It’s also common for people to walk up and crowd around the stage during important parts of the ceremony (like the bit where they walk around the fire).
      That’s bern my experience of Hindi services – hope I haven’t offended anyone by giving my outsiders viewpoint.

    4. Anon For This*

      I grew up Episcopalean (called Anglican in some other countries). I attended Quaker school and had a lot of Jewish friends. So sometimes I went to Meeting, Synagogue and church all in the same week!

      Quaker Meeting – Everyone sits in a room and thinks, meditates, prays or whatever they want to do silently. You can get up and talk or sing, “As the spirit moves you.” For high school kids who aren’t actually Quaker (there were only a few at my school), this is about as interesting as you would imagine. I’ve never been to a Meeting outside of school.

      Episcopal – When I was growing up, the services were more than an hour long. In my current area, they all seem to be just under an hour. I don’t know if that’s a recent change or a regional thing. It’s a lot like Roman Catholic mass, but in English. I noticed the OP didn’t mention a sermon in Mass. Do Roman Catholics have sermons? In the Episcopal service, the sermon is pretty central and substantive. We like to talk about current events and the symbolic / philosophical meanings of the various parts of the Bible. I used to think Episcopaleans were Protestant, but I just found out it’s actually a form of Catholicism and we’re officially closer to Roman Catholics than Lutherans . . . apparently. But I think Lutheran services tend to be more similar. Anyway, the service consists of hymns, prayers, the Nicene Creed, a psalm or two, a sermon, Communion, greeting each other and saying, “Peace be with you,” and more hymns.

      I don’t want to comment too much on Jewish services as an outsider, but it was interesting to learn some Hebrew. Because it was in another language, I didn’t understand much. It seemed kind of similar to Christian services but with more talking and less singing?

      I’ve been wanting to attend services for various religions in order to learn more about them and better understand people’s beliefs and cultures. I don’t know where to start and where I’d be welcome to visit just for that kind of purpose.

      1. Anon For This*

        PS – I saw that some synagogues are now having a “Beginners” service in English so that anyone interested can learn about Judaism. I want to go to one, but I don’t think there are any in my area.

      2. Thlayli*

        Roman Catholic mass has been in the local language since Vatican 2 hasn’t it? It was always in English (local language) when I was growing up. Never been to a Latin mass in my life.

        There is a sermon but it’s called a homily (I think) it’s after communion and can be super short or super long. It’s the priest talking about whatever he wants, usually explaining the gospel of the day.

        1. Anon For This*

          Really? I’ve never been so I have no idea, but I remember the Catholic friend I grew up with talking about how the service was in Latin. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. Or just an unusual church.

        2. FD*

          Great question!

          After Vatican II, it was officially permitted to say Mass in the local language (vernacular). As a result, most congregations migrated over to mostly saying Mass in the local language. A few parts are commonly said in Latin or Greek, but these are short call-and-response sections that you tend to memorize quickly.

          That said, more traditional congregations often offer at least one service in Latin. This can be the Latin form of the current Mass service (Novus Ordo Missae, which is more common), or more rarely, the Tridentine Mass, which was the Latin Mass that was used before Vatican II. The latter is longer and will nearly always include Gregorian chant.

      3. Middle School Teacher*

        There is a sermon in Catholic mass. IIRC, it’s called the homily. When I was teaching Sunday school, they told us that in general Father is supposed to spend one hour on working/writing per minute of homily. (So a ten-minute homily = ten hours of work, I guess.)

    5. OhBehave*

      Non-Denomination Christian here –
      Our services are roughly 1.5 hrs in length. We typically start with a few songs that lead into communion (trays being passed in rows). This leads into the sermon time (40 minutes +/-). After the sermon comes a song or two and then offering. Announcements are usually done during offering. Maybe another song after offering and maybe a baptism or two if the people want to do that publicly. Closing prayer and dismissal.
      Our children’s areas (7 age sections) tend to teach on the same topic as in ‘big church’.

  67. Lcsa99*

    I am sitting here feeling like a bad guy cause I just clipped my kitties nails today and now he’s pouting. I actually did it for both cats but only one is pouting. Kitty #1 doesn’t like it, and will do low meows but won’t try to struggle so I can usually do both front paws without a problem, give him some treats after and everything is fine. Kitty #2 it has to be a whole production. He hates it. So I have to bribe him with treats before, wrap him completely in a blanket and do one paw (the whole time he is meowing like someone is trying to murder him) then he will run off, I’ll give him a few more treats for surviving it and have to do the whole thing again several hours later once he’s settled down to get another paw. And his dramatic meows are so upsetting, kitty #1 will start meowing and sniffing around to find out what has his “brother” so upset.

    It’s for your own good cat! Now you won’t get caught in the blankets anymore! Sigh.

    1. FD*

      My cat HOWLED every time I did it, and it normally took two people to manage (one to hold the writhing, furious furball in a towel and the other to clip).

      It always sort of bothered me but I tried to think of it as being the same way that kids hate getting shots or medicine–not fun but necessary.

    2. Grad Student*

      I wish we could explain to cats the benefit of things they don’t like!

      Sometimes I try to sneak up on my cats with the clippers when they’re sleeping….which I suppose is rude, but usually I can get a few claws done before they wake up enough to start objecting.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I’ve tried that. My cat is either a light sleeper or just has really sensitive paws cause I can usually only get one nail when I’ve tried that.

        The other one used to like having his paws rubbed when he was a kitten, so I guess that’s why he is a little easier.

    3. Book Lover*

      I have tried to get at my new kitten’s paws a few times and she is not having it. I will just keep snuggling her and touching her and pushing her claws out and see if she gets used to it.

    4. Trixie*

      My last cat submitted but barely. When I got my next cat as kitten, I played with back legs/feet all the time so he was used to the handling and not freaking out. Fifteen years later, each time I trim his back claws he responds as though I’m petting him and gives my hand/clipper kisses. #OrangeBoysAreTheBest

    5. Merci Dee*

      My cat is pretty relaxed about getting his claws trimmed. He perches quietly on my leg while I trim his front claws, and then I snuggle him close on his back to inspect his back paws and give them a trim if necessary. My daughter does a great job of helping when I clip him – not because he freaks out, but because he gets curious about the clippers and wants to sniff and mouth at them. She gives him scratches and loves so that I can work without worrying about clipping his whiskers or nose along with his claws.

    6. To your point*

      My cat does this low growl that makes it so obvious she’s suffering a pain worse than death. I guess it makes me a bad person but I think it’s hilarious how melodramatic she is.

  68. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We had friends visiting for a few days earlier in the week and it completely messed up my sleep schedule. Not because I went to bed too late or woke up too early, but because all three nights they were here, I woke up panicking in the middle of the night. Not full blown panic attacks, just some bad memories that would not go away. Usually when that happens or I simply wake up and can’t go back to sleep, I go into the guest room and snuggle up with the dog, but obviously that’s impossible when guests are in the guest room. Our house is teeny tiny and the guest room is right off the living room, so it wasn’t possible for me to go out and try to sleep on the sofa without disturbing our guests. I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listened to some Netflix, but I was still up for about 90 minutes. I took an Ativan the night they left and slept decently well, then last night the dog howled at about 2am so I got up and just decided to join him for the rest of the night, and I got right back to sleep.

    For those of you who wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep, do you have any tricks you use? I don’t want to be so limited and I would really like to spend the whole night in my bed. I get a lot of comfort from snuggling the pooch (and his snoring is very soothing), but that just doesn’t feel like a great solution. He’s not allowed in our bed– we need at least one surface in the house that is free from dog hair– so that’s out too. I feel like I’m doomed to a life of broken nights where I spend a few hours in one room and a few hours in another.

    1. BRR*

      Have you tried meditation? I know there are specific ones for asleep through things like headspace and on the echo.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I haven’t! Well, I’ve tried deep breathing and muscle relaxation and stuff like that, but no directed meditation. Would it help even if I did it before falling asleep? As in, I’d rather not reach for the phone in the middle of the night.

        1. BRR*

          Hm that’s a good question and a good thought to not get the light from your phone if you can’t sleep. I have to admit I haven’t tried it. I imagine it could help if you’re waking up with a panicked feeling.

          1. Julia*

            I think all you can do is try. I notice that when I meditate regularly, I sleep better and feel calmer. I usually quickly choose my program and then put the phone down face down and relax. Calm (the app I use) also offers sleep meditation, emergency calm and sleep melodies.

            1. Grad Student*

              I used to do Headspace’s sleep meditation to calm down before falling asleep, and after doing it a few times I basically knew the routine and could take myself through it (more or less) while in bed without having to reach for the phone at all!

    2. Enough*

      Weird as it may seem I count backwards from 1000 by 3s. I find this takes just enough concentration to keep my mind occupied but not enough to keep it alert.

    3. Thlayli*

      Try the book I can make you sleep by Paul McKenna.

      However I think the main issue is the dog cuddling. You have created a sleep association with cuddling the dog. Unless you break that association you may be doomed to keep switching rooms. Could you rethink allowing the dog in your bed? Or at least create a space in your bedroom where you can sleep with the dog like a small bed? (Ikea has some great kids beds).

    4. Getting Lit*

      I like Sleep With Me podcast for my stubborn insomnia. The host tells a meandering “bedtime story” in a soothing, droning voice. When I’m up in the middle of the night it really helps me settle back down.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I would look at minerals, potassium, calcium or magnesium. There are probably others but I am hitting a small void in my brain.

      There IS such a thing as being too tired to sleep. Cruelly, we do have to have some energy so we can fall asleep.
      You can also look at your protein intake. You may benefit from working with a protein drink for a while.

      Lots of things go into getting a good night’s rest. Confusingly what works for me may not be necessary for you. I had to start using a natural laundry soap because the detergents in my sheets were driving me nuts. Some people have a NO electronics rule. I tend to agree, computers, tvs etc seem to be a stimulant rather than helpful.

      I also tend to agree that you have trained your brain to cuddle with the dog in order to rest. If you can train your brain to do that much, then probably you can train your brain to do something else. I made myself lay there until dawn. I made lists in my mind of things I was grateful for. This was good in the spring when the sun started up at 4:45 but not so good in the winter. It did take me a while to train myself to lay there and wait for sleep to come. I had to work through some anger because I was pretty mad that I could not sleep, hence the focus on listing things I was grateful for. Finally I got minerals, protein and vitamins built up enough so that I could reliably fall asleep in a reasonable time.

    6. Yetanotherjennifer*

      When I can’t sleep it’s often due to muscle tightness; specifically my hamstrings. It can be a very subtle feeling but still enough to keep me awake. What helps is to drape a warm rice pack over the back of my thighs. You might benefit from just snuggling up with one. You could also try spritzing your pillow or a wash cloth with lavender. And flip your pillow too so it’s dry and cool under your head.

    7. WolfPack Inspirer*

      Hot shower, heating pad on legs/lap or small of back, reciting (in excruciating detail) the plots to well-known books or stories (they have to be lighthearted ones tho).

  69. Elizabeth West*

    Tomorrow, my dharma group is going to a lakeside forest retreat center for a daylong meditation retreat. Aaaaaugh! I’ve barely been able to sit daily, and now I’m about to throw myself in for seven hours of mostly silent retreat? Plus, I’m carpooling with someone who has to be there early, which means I’ll have to get up at five. I’m gonna probably fall asleep instead of meditating. I’ve been getting up at six the past couple of days just to reset a little.

    The main thing is this: letting someone else drive me to a place I’ve never been, to do an activity I’ve never done, is MAJOR. My travel anxiety would not have let me do this a year ago (and even now, jerkbrain is telling me to text my ride and say “Nope nope nope-ity nope,” but I’m not gonna). I worry about getting lost, I worry about everything going wrong or badly (the movie Get Outreally triggered my fear of getting stuck/trapped somewhere out of the reach of any help–it’s like Jordan Peele reached inside my brain, omg). But I trust these people. I feel comfortable with them, and I know them all.

    The only thing I’m really worried about is my back. It’s been acting up this week. I may be a pretzel of pain before it’s over. But I’m taking my own zafu, and the big squishy zabuton I made, and I’ll pop some ibuprofen in my purse just in case.

    1. nep*

      Good on ya for venturing out and doing this.
      May it all go very well for you. Look forward to hearing about it.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Pretzel back did me in. :\

      Friend who drove me and another person up there had to come back early. I could tell I would need the heating pad, so I came back with her. No biggie; some other people were only able to show up for a short while also. It was very stormy this morning (and is again, now).

      We observed ‘noble silence,’ not talking or looking at each other. We sat for a while and then did walking meditation. The rain had stopped, so a bunch of us went outside. The place was tucked away on the lake, and it had little paths in the woods and a labyrinth. It’s a Christian retreat place but they let us use it–the driving friend, who is one of our group facilitators, said a lot of other places they called didn’t want Buddhists cluttering up their vibe, but this place was very welcoming.

      I didn’t get to do the labyrinth since three other people beat me to it, so I walked down the slope to the water and found this enormous piece of driftwood that was just amazing. It was bigger than me–like the tangled, gnarled top of a tree. Even though it hurt my back, I went back and got my phone and climbed back down and took a picture of it.

      The driftwood: https://i.imgur.com/ouYSXIK.jpg

      I might make a labyrinth in my backyard. I have plenty of room for a small one. :)

      2. ..Kat..*

        For the future, just know that you can premedicate with both tylenol and ibuprofen. Then take the proper dose of tylenol every four hours and the proper dose of ibuprofen every six. They each work a bit differently, so combined like this they can be more effective. Also, premedicating can prevent the pain ( or prevent it from getting too bad). It can be harder to lessen pain once it occurs than to premedicate.

  70. Gummy, destroyed hair*

    My hair has been ruined by too much bleaching. I tried to save it with extensions and that only made it worse.

    My hair looks worse than these pictures:

    http://peachilu.blogspot.ca/2015/05/salon-bleach-nightmare.html

    https://dayre.me/jameson_coiffure/dDijgOWhZD

    https://www.habboxforum.com/showthread.php?t=757380

    I have been to 3 of the best salons in my city. All the stylists agree there nothing that can be done to save it. No amount of money or product will save it. I have about 1.5 to 2 inches of roots of virgin undyed and unbleached hair. I know I have to cut it but I am dreading it. If I don’t cut it, the damage will keep spreading.

    I am never dyeing my hair again. I am never putting extensions in again. I am never heat styling again and I will baby my hair and be so gentle with it. It will take 6 months to a year to grow out the pixie to a single length and then 2.5 years without cuts to get back the length I had. I live in Arizona in the hottest city in America and wigs are a no go. I am dreading having to cut it off even though I have no choice.

    Has anyone else gone through this? Thanks for reading and listening by the way.

    1. Thlayli*

      I’ve gone through what you’re expetiencing physically but not mentally. I’ve sheved my hair (buzz cut) twice. Had pixie cuts plenty of times. Had it totally bleached lots of times. Had dreadlocks which I had to cut out (reason I shaved it second time round). Once or twice it’s been so bad I had no other option but to cut it.

      So physically I’ve been there. Mentally I don’t understand what you’re going through at all. It’s just hair. It grows back. I love pixie cuts.

      So I guess my only advice is to change your attitude towards the situation. I have no idea how you could go about that tho since I don’t really understand why you think it’s a big deal in the first place.

      2. Ron McDon*

        I think a lot of people have their self esteem tied in with how their hair looks, so I definitely don’t find that unusual.

        This time last year I had shoulder length, slightly dry and ‘crispy’ looking hair. I now have a cut like Ginnifer Goodwin’s:

        http://fox43.com/2013/02/06/ginnifer-goodwin-talks-about-dental-care/

        I have had soooo many compliments since going for the chop! I work in a school, and nearly every parent I’ve seen during the past month has said ‘I love your hair’ as an opening statement.

        Healthy, glossy hair will always look better than dry, damaged hair. I look back at photos and cringe at how bad my hair looked, but at the time I thought it looked great!

        It will take some adjustment, particularly as you’re not cutting it all off by choice, but just think how quickly hair grows and how fab your virgin hair is going to be!

        Good luck.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I have not, exactly. But when I was 17, I went to camp with super long hair and it just plain got in the way, so when I got back home, I cut it. Drastically. In a pixie. They did senior pictures before school started, not later in the year or near graduation, so in mine I have extremely short hair. I looked like a dorky version of Mia Farrow.

      Turns out a pixie doesn’t really suit me, but while I had it, I LOVED it. My hair was so easy to care for. I didn’t have to do a fricking thing to it.

      Now I have very long layered blonde hair after years of being red (to hide the grey). I let my stylist do it–no way did I do it on my own. Yes, it was very dry at first and I finally figured out that if I only wash with shampoo twice a week and either co-wash (with conditioner) or leave it the rest of the time, it’s much happier. I don’t use heat unless I absolutely have to. What I do is wash it at night and then put it up in a twist–it dries overnight and when I take it down, it’s wavy and I don’t have to do anything to it. I also sleep on a satin pillowcase, which reduces dryness and doesn’t pull so much on it. I can take it with me when I travel.

      Your hair will grow out. Think how nice it will be to have healthy hair again, short or not. And in the Arizona heat, a pixie will be ideal. You might even decide you don’t want to grow it back out!

      1. Julia*

        I usually put my wet hair up for curls, too, but have been told by hairdressers (in Japan, so different hair) that wet hair is prone to breaking and that actually, gently blow-drying it is better. I’m not sure what to believe anymore.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yes it is, so I usually let it air dry a bit first. Blow drying is not good for bleached hair.
          It’s not bound tight–I clip it up rather loosely.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It will grow. So you will have a few months of discomfort, your hair does not seem like your hair. Then it will be over and the situation will be fixed.
      Drink plenty of water and use healthy oils in your meals. Yes, it matters. Our hair and nails reflect what we eat.

      You are beating yourself up for a situation that will be fixed in a while. I understand that it’s not instant, but it WILL come. If you can find an Arbonne dealer you can get some of their conditioner. It works on chemo hair so it will probably help yours to calm down also. (Just my experience and not a board statement, YMMV.)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding that this is a thing that will pass. The way out is through: put your head down and bull forward.

        Also second on the healthy oil; my son takes fish oil at the recommendation of his eye doctor for dry eyes. And it makes a very noticeable difference in our pets’ fur. (Started using because we had an itchy aussie; he stopped itching and our lab mix got luxuriantly soft fur.)

        I have lately run across several women my age (late 40s early 50s) with a very short cut and it looked great; the following link is to the basic short pixie I could find that seemed closest. I have seen this looking striking and good on women who were CPAs driving the carpool, not 18 year old models.
        http://www.hairstyleslife.com/very-short-pixie-haircuts/

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m sorry, it sounds like the only thing left to do is choose your style and rock it. If your hair is an important part of your identity or your look then it’s a big loss and adjustment. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. You could think of it like trying on a new personality. Are there any bad habits you’d like to lose or good ones you’d like to gain that you could connect with your new style? Summer is the perfect time to have short hair and by the time it finally cools down there your hair will have grown quite a bit. And it may be that you won’t want to go back to the length you had before.

    5. The Original K.*

      I haven’t. I cut my hair off at the roots once about ten years ago but it was intentional; I’m Black and cut off my chemically straightened hair to let my natural curly hair grow back in. (I liked it but it was jarring. I kept looking in the mirror and startling myself.) It was maybe two inches long when I cut it, at the most. I do have a friend who got her hair braided with extensions and didn’t take care of it so when she took her braids out, her hair underneath was all matted and couldn’t be saved. She had about an inch of hair when all was said and done and she cried and cried – but then she realized she liked her hair short and kept it short for years. She liked the way it opened up her face, she liked how much less time she spent on it, she liked how much cooler her head was in hot weather … it ended up being a blessing in disguise. Maybe that will be the same for you! I’d think being in AZ, literally keeping a cool head would be a bonus.

      You just have to do it, but try to treat it as something new and fun. Try new products or hair accessories; when it gets longer, play with new styles. Change your makeup – that was fun to do when my hair was short. Wear big jewelry. I got into really big earrings when my hair was short and it’s stuck. Enjoy watching it grow back – one of the cool things about short hair is that you can see almost week to week that it’s getting longer. Good luck!

    6. periwinkle*

      It will grow back, slowly but surely. In the meantime, find a terrific stylist who can make your hair look great at different lengths. Don’t write off coloring or heat styling forever! When you have healthy hair, the stylist can help you figure out how to get the look you want without incurring that kind of damage again.

      I started going gray at a young age and had been home dyeing it dark brown and black for years. I managed to make a mess of the color once and wound up with a flat, dull black mop on my head. Wound up having to cut most of it off because professional bleaching didn’t make a dent on the dyed hair. I then discovered that when the short cut grew out, it was a layered look and looked great. It was a fresh look after a couple decades of wearing a blunt shoulder-length bob, and I loved it… (I also have been more careful about coloring, and have since turned that over to professionals)

    7. WolfPack Inspirer*

      I’m sorry this is hitting you so hard! I’m personally with Thayli tho – hair grows back, and it’s ‘dead’ already so I can’t really hurt it, just make it various states of attractive or presentable. I haven’t seen my my natural hair color for longer than 2 months out of the last 20 years, and it’s been every length from buzz-cut to shoulder length. It’s just hair, it will be ok.

      Actual advice:
      If it is killing your soul to hack it all off with just an inch and a half on it right now, then don’t do it! You can get a good deal accomplished by whacking off a good lot of the length now – into a nice short bob or a flippy long pixie (however short you can stomach) and then just lay on the hot oil treatments and leave-in conditioners and embrace hats and scarves for a month or so until your undamaged hair is long enough to cut back to that in an actual style that you feel comfortable with. (I will say that some boy-style very short pixies (like – 2 inches and less) are amaaaaazing on women. I’ve been rocking a super short masculine hair look for the past 6 months and loving it. (My hair is also royal blue, so ymmv there, I know.)

      Once you get your ‘good hair’ game going again, don’t think you have to swear off everything fun/damaging. Just take things in moderation and figure out the limits of what your hair can recover from (or be masked by product or styling).

      If you want to color it, talk to your stylist about low-ammonia, minimal-toxicity, or natural formulas – they’re out there.

      If you want extensions, consider clip-ins that you take out at night, and watch the weight/length on them to minimize stress on your natural roots.

      Think about your hairstyles: are you putting a lot of stress on your hair by straightening it or always pulling it into tight sleek ponies or buns? Break that pattern up and give your follicles a chance to recover between stresses.

      You’ll be ok. It will grow back out, and it can look good while it grows out. Even if there are awkward phases as it grows out (which happens) with a good stylist and a willingness to be a bit spendy on appointments and products, you can minimize the awkward stage a lot, and at the longest it won’t be more than a month or so until it’s at a more versatile length stylistically.

    8. NaoNao*

      Someone else made almost exact comment/scenario a few months ago! So if it’s you, sorry for any repeats. But if it’s not, know that you’re not alone.

      Aside from that, yes, I went through almost the same thing.
      I was into unnatural colors and wound up with broken off hair on almost 2/3 of my head eventually. I cut it off into a pixie to save it.
      I feel like once I accepted it, it was freeing. I just wash, brush, put in a little oil, and go. My new growth hair and the healthy hair they were able to save is so healthy!
      Also, headbands and fancy decorated bobby pins look very cute on short hair, so there’s that.
      Focus on maybe changing your style at this time too. Short hair looks great with artsy, funky styles, big earrings, etc. Amp up your makeup, perhaps even take a professional lesson, since your face is now on display.
      Short hair gave me a feeling of power, strength, and fashion foward-ness that longer hair never did. But i’m one who likes having a pixie, so…

      Those that will/have chime in saying “it’s just hair, it’s no big deal” ugh. Obviously it is NOT just hair to you and it IS a big deal. Hair for women represents youth, sexuality, and femininity. Those who have this cavalier attitude and zero sympathy for those that have lost hair or have a “chemical cut” are really lacking in sympathy and compassion and maybe they should have kept their harsh 2 cents to themselves. Ignore them.

  71. AlligatorSky*

    It’s 4.24am here and I can’t sleep, so I’ll throw this one out – What’s everyone’s favourite documentary? Mine has to be either Indie Game: The Movie or anything made by Louis Theroux.

    1. Pollygrammer*

      I’m a sucker for nature documentaries, but only if they’re narrated by David Attenborough.

        1. Woodswoman*

          Another fan of David Attenborough here. Ditto on nature documentaries in general. I saw one on hummingbirds that was extraordinary, wish I could remember what it was called to send you a link.

          I also appreciate Werner Herzog’s documentary, Grizzly Man. It’s a fascinating study of Timothy Treadwell, an emotionally unwell man whose misguided intentions got him killed by an Alaskan brown bear. The footage of wild Alaska is beautiful.

    2. Detached Elemental*

      I love Louis Theroux. I’m always amazed by the way he just sort of sits back and asks a few questions, and gets people to open up.

      1. Triple Anon*

        I used to think he was great, but after watching a lot of his stuff, I couldn’t help but think, “Huh. Here’s this highly educated, upper middle class acting white dude coming to lower income communities and sort of provoking people into seeming weak and ignorant on camera. There’s an underlying class dynamic here at the very least.” I’m thinking of the brothel episode and the one about extreme racists. Both of those had socio-economic and access to education themes that were revealed in a what I found to be a mocking sort of way and not addressed constructively.

        1. Triple Anon*

          Agh. I didn’t express myself very well. And I didn’t mean to rain on the recommendations parade. Short on sleep and impulsively commenting. I’m sorry.

        2. AlligatorSky*

          The episode where he talks to (I believe, I may be wrong) Nazis freaks me out. Unless I’m thinking of a different documentary, but he interviewed a bunch of Nazis in their garage and they were clearly unhappy with him being there, and it almost escalated to them threatening him with violence.

          That and his Scientology film, oh. my. god. Freaked me out when the Scientology people started stalking him and showing up to his filming, and FILMING HIM themselves.

          1. Triple Anon*

            Yes! I saw the Scientology one. I also saw one about white supremacists. I’m not sure if that was the same as the Nazi one.

            I guess what I was trying to say is that sometimes he comes across as condescending to his subjects in a way that’s not helpful. I understand why someone would want to be condescending to neo-Nazis. But sometimes his type of snark sounds more like, “I went to better schools than you,” than, “Your beliefs are reprehensible,” if that makes sense. I didn’t like his approach to the whole brothel episode. He was pitying and judgmental. He decided one of the women was smart enough to be doing other things with her life (and the others weren’t??) and had a talk with her about it. This was a legal brothel. He’s free to have his own opinions about people’s career choices, but I thought that was inappropriate for a journalistic piece. I wished he had been more open minded and respectful towards everyone. That said, I wasn’t there when they filmed it. Maybe his reactions were appropriate to what he observed there.

            I dunno. I find him to be very witty and funny and often sympathetic. I just got cynical after watching a lot of it. But that’s tv for you.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      A Year On Ice about spending the winter at the South Pole. Tons of fascinating details that I, a science geek, never knew.

      Like, there are multiple research stations. I somehow had always pictured just one. And the main one is big enough to have not just several shifts of full-time fire fighters and a firetruck, but a dispatcher. I had pictured some volunteers who could grab fire extinguishers. When I think about it, obviously “The Antarctic research station burned down so we’re standing outside in the –100° ice storm” is a humungous problem and they would need more than a fire extinguisher, but I had never put that together.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I’m really interested in the South Pole, so this sounds right up my street, thank you! I’m amazed that they have all those people; like you, I thought it would be a volunteer with a couple of fire extinguishers!

    5. My favorite Doc*

      20 Feet From Stardom.
      Hands down, best documentary I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of documentaries. It’s a great idea, beautifully executed. It tells the stories of the lives and careers of background singers, through the lenses of the background singers themselves, and also those of the stars who employ them.

    6. Woodswoman*

      A good recent documentary is Bombshell: The Hedy Lamarr Story. It focuses on the life of Hedy Lamarr, a brilliant inventor whose invention for submarines to fight the Nazis was trivialized because of her gender, but ultimately was implemented and is now the basis of modern wifi. Wonderful film that I see is now featured on PBS.

  72. Merci Dee*

    Wow.

    We’ve got elections coming up here in a couple of weeks, so commercials for candidates have been all over. I just saw one for a particular candidate that included the following statements:

    “Sometimes I think the world has gone crazy. People can’t figure out which bathroom they belong in. Illegal immigrants getting a free ride. People arguing to take guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. We need to elect a strong leader who will stand up again out-of-control political correctness.”

    Apparently, folks also think they need someone to stand up against treating people with basic human kindness.

    Yikes. I’m ashamed that this guy represented me in a legal settlement over 10 years ago …..

    1. Merci Dee*

      My only consolation is that this guy has been running for office for over a decade and has never been elected. Then again, with our current political climate, and the fact that this is a deep southern state, he could get more traction than he has in the past.

      Don’t think I’m getting much sleep tonight.

      1. Gatomon*

        The only positives I see from this sort of thing are that we’re finally getting to see people’s true colors.

  73. dinner parties*

    How do you navigate inviting people over for dinner? I am single. I have a few friends I was thinking of inviting but they are all coupled. I feel a bit weird being the only single person at my own dinner party, like I’ll be the “help”, maybe because I’ll be running around a lot? Or maybe because sometimes couples get into really couply conversations totally ignoring me for a while? (that’s happened when we meet for dinner at restaurants). Another issue is I have a cat and I know some of them are allergic to different degrees. Do I still invite knowing of their allergies? I obviously don’t want them to be sick. As you can probably gather, I don’t entertain much!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      In your place, I would start with a single-gender gathering. Like, for me, I would invite the women over for a girls’ night (which is a term I don’t like very much, but it’s a good descriptor). That will help with the couply conversation issue and get you to ease in to hosting people. Serve simple dishes and serve them family-style if you can. Don’t worry too much about cleaning once dinner starts; just leave the dishes on the sink and the counter until you can get to them. Oh, and set the table and get everything out well before they get there. Entertaining is all about finding the rhythm that works best for you. Once you start with the smaller group, you can expand to couples. And once you start with family style, you can see if you want to go more formal.

      Also, for me, brunch is a whole lot easier than dinner, so if you like brunch, that might be a good place to start too.

      As for the cats… you can always extend the invitation, but you must tell them you have a cat. If it’s possible, keep the cat in a bedroom for the evening. (I say this as the owner of a dog who is allowed all over the house; he’s a good boy, but lots of friends over excites him and he spends the evening chilling in his crate.) But for the most part, it’s better to invite and allow the invitee to make the decision rather than assume they won’t come anyway because of the cat.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I put the guests to work because I am a terrible person.

      It seemed easiest to let them do the running. I put the mashed potatoes in a bowl, I selected a spoon and passed it, “Here this is ready for the table.”
      The people who eat regularly with me, work into it and over time take on making the coffee, finding the salad in the fridge and so on.
      I did not let guests help with the dishes UNLESS they were staying here with me at the house. Yep, you are creating extra dishes and I need your help.
      Good friends don’t mind. Additionally, introverted people like me are VERY HAPPY to have something to do other than struggle with small talk. The work itself can be a conversation starter.

      Another good tip is to invite people who like each other. This gives you an additional layer of offering, you are offering friends a chance to see each other. If they don’t know each other take two at a time, let Sally meet Sue. Then on another occasion, let Sally and Sue meet Jane. With small groups they can get to know each other.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      As far as the cat goes, I wouldn’t invite people over unless you’re willing to shut the cat in a bedroom for the entire length of the gathering. You know people are allergic, and even people who aren’t allergic probably don’t want a cat wandering around while they’re eating. Basically, if you’re considerate enough to wonder if pets shouldn’t be present, shut them away. In social terms, nothing frustrates me more than people who insist on hosting events but don’t seem to give a crap if I actually feel welcome or comfortable.

    4. ..Kat..*

      I am pretty allergic to cats. If you could close the cat out of the guest area and do a thorough vacuuming (including upholstered furniture) and dusting, I would be okay for the party. But I realize that that is a lot of work.

  74. I Am Still Furious!!*

    My attorney sent me the draft of the divorce settlement proposal. I read through it, made notes, and am going to read through it again today just to make sure I haven’t missed anything. Will scan and send back to my attorney tomorrow.

    It’s weird. I read through it, it was what I expected, but to see all of it laid out in legalese was a bit disconcerting. At least now I know how much longer this will go on.

  75. nep*

    I’d like to go to nearby nature trails and walk/jog. I don’t. Letting myself be blocked by fear. Anything could happen in such an isolated area. I think my 2002 mugging (where the criminal had me in a headlock) is still hanging with me.

    1. nep*

      Today I’ll go to one, where there is some area out in the open to walk. I’ll walk around there, then dip into the woods as far as I’m able. Perhaps little by little.

    2. Triple Anon*

      I think that’s a reasonable fear. Crimes happen in parks too. I say that not to make you feel worse but to emphasize that you’re being reasonable.

      But there are precautions you can take! Go to either popular areas where there will be other people nearby or more out of the way places that would be inconvenient to get to for a lot of people. Criminals tend to seek out isolated areas of popular parks, not more remote places or more crowded places.

      Do you like dogs? If so, can you borrow one to hike with? Could you reach out to rescue groups and see if you could walk dogs for them? A larger dog is a big deterrent to both humans and any larger animal that might bother you, and having a companion is fun (if you like dogs).

      Also, can you tell someone where you’re going, when you’re leaving, and when you’ll be back? That also can make a difference. And bring your phone with you.

      Statistically, I think you’re safer in a park than in a lot of places. It will get easier and more comfortable when it becomes routine and you get used to it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Good stuff, TA, I agree.
        I won’t go hiking alone either, nep. So I think this is another gutsy move for you. If I would to do it I would try to estimate a time of day when families and other women would be around. (I stopped at a highway rest area once and there were NO women and no families anywhere. There was about two dozen men. I did not get out of my car and I drove on to the next stop.)
        Honestly, I don’t think of this as a hill to die on, because I think there are legit reasons to be concerned for safety. If you said you were concerned about walking into a store or other public buildings I would be more inclined to say, “yeah, work on that.” This one, not so much.

        1. Triple Anon*

          Yeah. Agreed. I do a lot of stuff alone. I’ve been in some sketchy situations, but never from doing anything alone. It always involved people I already knew (neighbors, co-workers, friends of roommates, friends of friends). I think that’s common. I think stranger on stranger crime is less common than crime between acquaintances. But things do happen. So taking precautions is wise.

        2. nep*

          Thanks for insights, feedback.
          Just back–it’s a really nice area with so many trees. I walked on the path that’s just around the park area, goes around a ball field, a playground…It was great. I stood at the entry of the woods/trail to take in the fantastic air and sounds. The birdsong is magnificent. But I didn’t walk through the woods. Glad it’s not just me; it really does feel like a legit concern because it would be way too easy for someone to try something in there. Very isolated.
          But I’m glad I did what I set out to do.
          Now for some side planks and stretching.

          1. Woodswoman*

            Good for you for taking that step in a context that felt safe to you. I’m a woman who has hiked alone for decades, including overnight backpacking trips. I grew up in Detroit and still live in an urban area, so I understand being concerned.

            How do you feel about attending organized hikes? If you’re up for company, depending on where you live, there might be hiking groups through Meetup, REI, the Sierra Club, etc. This could give you the opportunity to visit an area with a group to check it out, and then you could decide to return on your own if it feels like a safe place.

            Personally, I feel substantially safer on trails than I do on city streets. That said, I choose my destinations to feel safe. Places I go either require some effort to get to and are off the beaten path of easy urban access, or are in areas along the coast with no trees that are both well-traveled by other hikes and have high visibility in the open.

            I hope this helps–and enjoy the outdoors. Heading out myself, alone, in a bit.

            1. nep*

              Thanks. I like the idea of hiking groups–will check it out.
              (Just read Ashes–A Poem. That is quite something. Thanks for sharing on your site.)

              1. Woodswoman*

                Glad the info is helpful, and thanks for the kind words about my poem. That was a dark time last year when about 5,000 homes burned in the middle of the night with people and pets fleeing for their lives with some unable to get out. The poem just rose up spontaneously.

      2. nep*

        Thanks for the suggestions. Actually I left my phone at home, thinking I didn’t want it to get stolen–out of the car or off me. Ha.
        I don’t like dogs, so that option’s out. Good suggestion, though.

    3. Gingerblue*

      I’m a single woman and usually do this sort of thing alone. On the one hand, nothing’s ever happened; on the other, I do have the same thoughts. I echo what other people have said about going at peak usage times. Would carrying a whistle or other noisemaker help?

  76. FaintlyMacabre*

    I left an emotionally abusive relationship 6ish months or so ago and am in the process of purging things that remind me of the ex. I want to get rid of some mugs of his but find myself in a quandry. He let me keep them in a previous breakup, largely I suspect because he intended for us to get back together. Since I would now rather gnaw off my arm than be with him I feel slightly guilty about the mugs, as they were given to him by a friend and are from a different country that was going through some upheaval at the time, making the mugs historically interesting (though not monetarily valuable). I see my choices as follows:
    1) Contact him and ask if he’d like them back. (Not a great option, as extinguishing contact was fraught in the first place.)
    2) Just mail them to him, possibly with a note saying I didn’t feel right keeping the mugs, please don’t contact me.
    3) Stick ’em in a box and stash ’em out of sight, to be dealt with later.
    4) Just get rid of them, guilty feelings be damned.

    I’m leaning towards 3, though I don’t know what exactly would change between now and some point in the future that would relieve my conscience. Maybe just time, but I feel sentimental towards objects in a way that others (including ex) tend not to be.

    1. nep*

      Glad you left an abusive relationship.
      I’d say 2, 3, and 4 all sound fine. You’ve got to see what really feels like you’re being absolutely true to yourself.
      Number 4 feels right in a lot of ways. Get them out of your space be done with it; you don’t owe anyone hanging on to these things out of guilt.
      What would motivate you to go with 2? If it’s guilt I’d say stick with 4.
      Re: 3–I do periodic purges in my closet. Each time I’m able to get rid of things that earlier on I could not have imagined tossing; I reckon time will make a difference in this case too. In a few months you might chuckle at yourself as you toss the mugs into the bin.
      Good luck. Let us know what you decide.

    2. Merci Dee*

      I would recommend mailing the mugs, but without a note. Including a note sends a signal that he might be able to worm in through some kind of contact, even if the note says not to contact you. Like, “do not contact me because I do not want to talk to you (I say as I talk to you about not wanting to talk to you)”. Just package and mail the mugs – very plain, very transactional. If he let you keep them before because he planned on getting back together, receiving the mugs will be all you need to say about that possibility.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Agreed.

        I think either 2 or 4 would be best because they wouldn’t involve contact or having the items linger, both of which seem like they would be unhelpful for you.

    3. Mug Person*

      For number 3, since it’s only been six months, you could maybe give yourself a deadline – if you think he would want them and actually ask you for them back. Like if he (or someone on his behalf, preferably!) hasn’t contacted you in another 6 months, toss them. Then you would have given him ample time to show they had meant anything to him. But usually, guys aren’t sentimental about stuff like that, so since it’s already been 6 months, I would go with number 4.

    4. Bella*

      I like 3. It’s something I’ve done a few times.

      It’s means you can stick to the no contact rule.

      If you’re worried that he might demand them back in the future you don’t have to be, they’re right there. No awkward conversations about how you threw them out.

      Also, you can deal with them on your own timetable. Leave them there as long as you want, chances are you’ll stumble on them during a big clear out years later and just chuck them out without thought. You’ll be in such a different place then you can’t remember why they were so important.

      I wish you best for the future, you’ve taken a huge step and you certainly don’t owe him anything.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      5) Find a person who likes the mugs and give the mugs to that person. This is what I have done with some stuff I felt guilty about. This way I could say I gave them a good home.

      6) Sell the mugs for whatever you can get, give the money to charity OR put the money into something of value to YOU. EX. You figure out that you can get $5 at a local consignment shop. Running at the same time, your car needs an oil change or repair. You get the $5 and put it into car work. Done. Over. Life goes on.

    6. Triple Anon*

      Both returning them and not returning them give him a reason to contact you. But I think not returning them potentially gives him more reasons since he could, hypothetically, keep demanding them back, or enlist other people to help get them back, use it as an axe to grind, or even report you for theft. If you return them, all he can do is contact you to say that he received them. So I would consider mailing them back, using no return address and sending them from a random post office far from where you live. That way you’re not giving out your address.

      But you know the situation best. So go with the option that seems like it will make it easiest to put this in the past and move on.

    7. miyeritari*

      I’d go with 3). If the mugs have some non-relationship value to you, you may find that you can take them out of the cabinet in a year or two years and they won’t be so closely associated with your crappy ex, and as a bonus you got some sweet mugs.

      glad to hear you left too.

    8. Basia, also a Fed*

      I would do #2, no note. If you think that contact will start another cycle of abuse, then #4. I don’t recommend #3 – that just means you’ll have to think about all of this again in the future. Make a clean break one way or the other now.

    9. LCL*

      #2, without a note.
      #3 means you will have to do it later.
      #4 is, to me, evil. A small evil, not equivalent to his abuse, but needlessly shi77/ all the same.

      1. NaoNao*

        Evil? I feel like that’s WAY overstating it. Evil is deliberate acts meant ONLY to harm to vulnerable people by action or inaction. Not giving away mugs.

    10. Undine*

      For a reasonable human being, 1 would be the right choice, but in this case, I believe 1 would signal “I am still looking out for you and managing your emotions for you,” which in turn would signal “This is not over.” You can hold on to them for an amount of time if you want, but you need to let him manage his life and decide what is important to him. He probably cares much less about the mugs per se than he does about them giving him a chance to twist the knife. I think 3 with eventual transition to 4 is probably the best bet, if you are not ready for 4 yet.

    11. Theodoric of York*

      If you have an acquaintance in common who you can trust, give the mugs to him/her with instructions to send them to your ex, and not to share any other information about you. This gets the mugs out of your possession and (hopefully) does not lead to contact. Maintaining no contact is most important.

    12. FaintlyMacabre*

      Thanks for all the thoughts. I think I’ll stick with 3 for now. Frankly, I can see that I’ve been over thinking this. As much as part of me wants to return them, it would still open up contact, with or without a note. (Ex knows where I live, but we are in different states.) If he doesn’t ask for them back in another 6 months, I think I’m fully justified in keeping them, if I still want them after time has elapsed. Thank you all! I feel a lot better now.

  77. Social Media Woes*

    I’m trying to make new friends. I meet people. They usually want to connect on social media or it becomes necessary for some reason (hobby-related stuff). After we become social media friends, they treat me differently. They stop talking to me or they’re not as nice.

    So I think there’s something off putting about my social media content. I know I’m not accurately represented there. But I think that’s common? Especially for older people? A lot of the younger people I know seem to express themselves online more, but I honestly just want to keep things chill there. I look at it, see a bunch of drama, and I want to post pictures of mountains and flowers to send a, “Hey, cheer up, or chill out. Life is good,” kind of message amid all the negativity. I definitely don’t want to open up about my life and what’s important to me. Social media attracts a lot of bored, unhappy, and sometimes aggressive people so I like to keep it calm and impersonal.

    But that created issues. “You’re not who you say you are because your social media is just nature photos,” that kind of thing. People thought my social media account represented who I really am and that everything offline was fake. I thought, “Ok, I’m glad not to be friends with people who think that way,” but it became so much the norm, I decided that must just be the world we live in these days. So I posted a little personal stuff. What I like and what’s really going on in my life. That just led to more problems and more misunderstandings.

    Grrr. I don’t want to use the thing at all, but it’s necessary for certain things that I do. I’m in this vicious cycle where the not looking cool on social media has led people to be mean to be on social media and I keep looking Not Cool. I could start a new account, but I need most of the contacts from the old one.

    What can I do?

    1. Laura H*

      Forget cool. You do you. You know who you are and what you’re comfortable with.

      Frankly, restraint is a good thing that a lot of people (to my utter bafflement, frustration, and the reason I abuse the snot outta the hide function) choose not to practice.

      All the social media presentations are cultivated to a degree. We all pick and choose what we put there. It’s not who we really are…

    2. fposte*

      Hmm, that’s weird to me, and it sounds disheartening; I’m sorry. Have people really said “You’re not who you say you are because your social media is just nature photos”? I’m wondering if it’s more that you’re encountering people who use social media for connections in their friendship and they therefore felt underconnected to you as a result. I don’t do social media very much, and that’s been a factor in an amicable no-fault friendship drift; I think it’s an obstacle for people to communicate with almost all their friends one way and then the outlier friend only in the way she likes. It’s also possible that some of these early friendships just don’t catch fire–I think most won’t–and that the social media timing is coincidental.

      I’d look for models. Who do you know that has the kind of social media feed that would work for you and who doesn’t get the drama that you’re trying to avoid? Copy their approach. Are there particular people who turned out to cause drama? Then handle your settings defensively. But also be prepared for the numbers game of friendship, where initial connections fizzle out more often than they become friends.

    3. CBE*

      I know someone like you. I know she does not realize it, but she comes off as VERY judgemental of those who use social media differently. Every single one of her “uplifting” posts has something judgy at the beginning.
      “Take a minute to stop fighting about Trump and enjoy this close up of a pinecone.”
      “To combat how negative everyone is on social media, take a second to listen to this video of a babbling brook and count the things you can be grateful for”
      “No one cares about your lunch or your vacation, let’s just all take a minute to breathe”
      etc etc
      Even though I know a couple of people have tried to explain it to her, her efforts to “combat negativity” come off as…very negative, combative, and critical. And she cannot understand why people don’t flock to her for her breath of fresh air.
      I’d encourage you to take a look at what you’ve been posting (or ask someone you know and trust to look at it) and see if maybe you’re coming off the same way.
      But it’s true that if you’re not being yourself and not accurately representing who you are, it’s going to come off as fake. And keeping it impersonal isn’t a great way to make friends.

      1. Ann O.*

        But social media is not a safe environment to be truly ourselves for many people. (I would argue it’s not genuinely a safe environment for anyone to be really personal either because it’s too public, too identifiable, and too permanent.) We’re all a bit curated online. There’s something very bizarre to me about the idea that real-life interactions should be defined as less than online interactions.

        1. Forking Great Username*

          While it’s true that you never see 100% of a person online, I think the crux of it is whether what the person is putting online is an accurate reflection of PART of them. So if you post nature photos constantly but don’t actually care about nature, that’s weird. Same if you constantly post stuff about relaxing and being happy and anti-drama, but in reality you’re super high strung.

    4. Theodoric of York*

      I would examine your assumption that it’s necessary to use social media. It might be acceptable just to tell people right up front that you don’t do social media and give them your email and/or a phone number. The people who tell you that you’re not being “real” on social media (whatever that means) are not promising friend material.

      For the record, I had a Facebook account for awhile. I only used it as a signpost so that people could locate me. Hardly ever checked it. Given the recent privacy concerns, I deleted it and haven’t missed it.

      1. Social Media Woes*

        I plan and coordinate public events so I need to use it. I can’t do the main things in my life without it, unfortunately. But yes, I share all the concerns about privacy and I’d give it up if there weren’t such a big trade-off.

        1. Theodoric of York*

          From your reply, I assume you’re using social media like a bulletin board or an email list. Maybe you can just use it for that purpose and for very little else. Not much personal on the site, just events and such.

    5. saffytaffy*

      This sounds so outside the norm of how human beings interact that I wonder if you’re not being entirely fair to yourself here. It’s very hard for me to believe that you’ve managed to run into a majority of people who see nature photographs and, with nothing else to cause offense, conclude “you’re not who you say you are.”
      That’s not how people operate.
      If you’re posting this because you just want to be reassured that you’re in the right and everyone who dislikes you is wrong, that’s one thing. It’s a valid desire! But nobody can give you actual useful advice from what you’ve told us.

    6. A Nickname for AAM*

      There’s two things you should consider:

      1) “I look at it, see a bunch of drama, and I want to post pictures of mountains and flowers to send a, “Hey, cheer up, or chill out. Life is good,” kind of message amid all the negativity.” Sometimes, this comes across as passive-aggressive of other people’s opinions, critical of what they share on social media, or even blaming others for your negative emotions. I’m not saying this is what you are doing, but it might be how people are interpreting it.

      2) Are you posting original pictures of mountains and flowers that you took yourself, in albums or to your wall roughly around the time you take them, or are you sharing stock photos/memes, etc., from generic inspirational Facebook pages? No matter how nice that stuff can be, it feels spammy to other people to watch. I have friends who do this: I’ve blocked most of the inspirational accounts they share from. It’s also something of a breach of etiquette to post old pictures on Facebook with no context, like “Hey here’s a random photo of my vacation in 1998 to cheer everyone up!”

      1. Social Media Woes*

        No, it’s my own photography. Not always recent, but just light, fun stuff like snakes and squirrels. It’s not excessive. I’ve tried posting more edgy stuff too. It seems like everything offends people.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      There’s an odd tone and attitude that’s coming through your post. I don’t particularly care for social media. I post maybe three pictures on facebook a year, and upwards of five status updates, usually asking people if they have any plans for [whichever] holiday or long weekend coming up. The key here is that even though I don’t use facebook all that often, the pictures are really of me, and the updates are directly addressing people in a friendly way. The perspective that facebook just causes drama is patently untrue. I don’t know why people like to cling to that idea. You don’t have to LIKE facebook, but it’s bizarre to keep insisting on something that simply isn’t a universal truth. Forgive me, but in my experience, people who claim to dislike facebook are people who, in the past, have posted things that other people really didn’t like. You don’t like the REACTION you’re getting from people on facebook, is more like what you’re trying to say.

      Sorry again, but if someone took time to post a picture of a tree and to advise the universe to stop discussing politics (or whatever), I’d write that person off as a control freak. I don’t like it when people outside of a conversation try to control what’s being said within the conversation. Besides, it’s incredibly important to talk about politics (or whatever else anyone wants to express). So you’re basically telling people to stop talking about the things they want to talk about, and you’re also not introducing a different topic of discussion. How are people supposed to interact with you? You’re just telling everyone to be quiet.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. If the idea is to show your photography then just do that. Don’t lecture people on what they are doing “wrong” in their lives. Let your photography mean to them whatever it means to them. They do not have to find world peace in your pics if they don’t want to.

        It sounds like you are mixing your work with a social reform mission and it’s not going as expected. We can’t reform society by listing off all of society’s failures. We CAN cause shifts in society by saying, “Hey look at this Thing here, it’s kind of cool!”
        As a photographer you probably see many beautiful things that others miss. Let your pics do the talking for you. Understand that when you tell people not to do X or Y or Z you will probably meet resistance. People do peopley things like that.

      2. Social Media Woes*

        Huh? Where did I say I was commenting on other people’s actions on social media or telling people what to do? All I said was that my own content is fairly low key and doesn’t reflect me as a whole person. I’m not inclined to express myself online much.

        I think this may be one of those situation-specific things that’s hard to explain online. But I don’t think it’s fair to blame me for taking abuse online (and offline, related to things others post about me online plus who knows what) when all I said in my post was that I keep kind of a low profile and limit it to things like nature photos.

        1. TL -*

          I keep a low profile and mostly post nature/travel photos or funny two-line stories (overheard conversations or dumb stuff I or my cat did) and I don’t think that’s affected anyone.

          My blog (linked) is pretty close to the kind of content I post on Facebook/IG – cheerful and inoffensive though with a lot more content per post than I would do for Facebook/IG. It’s not unlike me, per se, but it’s also definitely not all of me.

          I’ve had people friend/follow me after we’ve hung out for a day and then we’ve never really talked again but it would have happened without the friending/following.

        2. NaoNao*

          I can’t tell from this but it sounds like you’re making friends perhaps who are very activist, into social justice causes, or the like, and then they bop over to social media and expect a more…controversial? activist? something? social media presence and are put off and weirded out by what feels to them like very generic stuff.
          Where the abuse is coming from I have no idea! Are you in fandom or other “hotbeds” for controversy and abuse? This is such an odd situation that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it!

          I’m also not sure who is being so immature as to throw around accusations of being “fake”–maybe it’s time to move on from those type of communities. But I will say the expectation and default is that most people expect a more curated, polished, and social version of you online. So if you seem like a positivity bot, you’re on super lockdown, you have 3 pictures per year, or you seem “off” in some way, people tend to get creeped out and inch away.

          So what I would suggest for a solution is to be up front about your social media use and policy with new friends. Prepare them for whatever you’ve got going on. ‘Hey, just to let you know, even though we met through the Green Party (or whatever!!), I don’t really post a lot of really personal stuff on my FB. I like to keep it pretty generic.”

  78. Sylvan*

    Anyone have a crazy amount of energy after taking vitamin B12? I’m following doctor’s orders because of an actual deficiency. However, for a day or so after I took it, I had much more energy than I usually do.

    What happened? B12? Placebo effect?

    1. Thlayli*

      If you had a deficiency and now you are taking supplements, it’s probably just your body reverting to normal

      1. Sylvan*

        True. I hope that’s it.

        At the risk of seriously oversharing, I’ve had some bad reactions to psych meds in the past that began with high energy. So suddenly becoming Very Productive is a personal red, er, yellow? flag, and I try to identify where it’s coming from.

    2. nep*

      I take it regularly. I don’t feel any extra energy from it; can’t recall whether I did when I started out.
      Every body will be different, I reckon.
      Do you have nervous energy as in hyper/shaking also, or just a positive feeling/lots of energy?

    3. Triple Anon*

      I have a guess! I am not a medical professional, but I have studied biology and neuroscience more specifically. My guess is that you’re responding to the spike in serotonin and possibly other, similar neurotransmitters and hormones caused by the restoring a healthy balance. I know that B12 deficiency can cause depression and other symptoms that make me think it affects serotonin levels. A sudden increase in serotonin, even if it’s just going back to a healthy level, can cause you to feel more energized, even hyper or manic. I think it can be the same with norepinephrine, epinepherine, and other things that might be affected. If that’s correct, it should stabilize soon.

      *I am not a medical professional.*

    4. Kuododi*

      I do the monthly injections due to a horrible deficiency. (lab verified). I don’t notice a particular energy bump immediately after the injection however looking back I can say the months I’ve forgotten to take my shot I can say I have felt noticably worse. (Maybe it’s my system struggling to find equilibrium….who knows?)

    5. Not So NewReader*

      That’s the B12. Not a doc, but I have been on B12 when I used to feel really crappy. My reaction was, “So this is what it’s like to feel human.” Then after a bit I got a build up and yeah, I could not sleep so I had to get off of it.
      Can I just say, I love B12.
      If you are concerned you should check in with your doc, he knows that B12 raises heart rate and so on. He may say to take a 1/2 dose per day or take one every other day. But check in with the doc.

    6. saffytaffy*

      I get that same feeling! It’s a known thing. I actually use a B-vitamin supplement as a complement to my antidepressant. My mom, on the other hand, gets a “niacin flush” on her face and neck and becomes irritable. So there’s some variety in response. And some people I’m sure don’t notice any change at all.

      1. Sylvan*

        In response to this and some similar comments: Okay, thank you. That’s very reassuring to hear.

    7. Chaordic One*

      When I started taking it, the first few times I had the experience of feeling high, like I was on pot or something. Each time I took it the sensation was lessened and by the fourth time there was no noticeable sensation.

  79. Rebecca*

    Any ideas where I can buy sleeveless button up blouses, with a collar, in size 20W or 1X?

    This seemingly simple piece of clothing is eluding me. I live in rural Pennsylvania. There is one store in my entire county that sells new clothing, and it’s a WalMart. Malls in other counties are struggling, stores closing, and I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping. I’ve been going to thrift stores but haven’t found anything I like.

    I’ve tried Kohl’s, JC Penney, LL Bean…I just want a cotton blend fabric, buttons, collar, but sleeveless. I’m nearly ready to get some short sleeve shirts, remove the sleeves, sew the seams back up and call it a day.

    I know in the scheme of things this is a very minor thing that I can live without. If anyone has seen then someplace, could you let me know so I can check to see if anything is available online? Thanks!!

    1. Gala Apple*

      Did you check lands end? Maybe the Woman Within, if that site is still around.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Amazon? I did a quick google and a whole bunch of choices came up there. Target might also. They have a decent plus size selection.

    3. Max Kitty*

      Does it have to be cotton blend? Land’s End has a white one in the No Iron 100% cotton fabric.

    5. Fenns Way*

      Nordstrom? Free returns and high quality. Their plus and plus petite in house brands are well done.

  80. Marion Ravenwood*

    Does anyone have any advice for dealing with noisy neighbours?

    Background: we have lived in our terraced house for almost three years. Our neighbours on one side are a couple with at least one young child. The dad of this family has a tendency to play loud hip-hop/rap/RnB/dance music with lots of bass, particularly on sunny evenings like this one (I think he may also have a part-time gig as a DJ). However, because our walls are really thin, we can hear it at full blast when we’re in our living room, and it really bothers my husband in particular. (I just turn my own headphones up, but am aware this is not very good for the long-term health of my ears!) It also seems to come in fits and starts – they won’t do it for weeks and then there’ll be a week or so where it’s almost every day, so it isn’t like they do this every Friday and we can plan to be out then – although equally I feel we shouldn’t have to do that.

    We have tried asking them politely to turn the music down on multiple occasions (although not for a while, because husband is concerned about doing it too often). To be fair the wife is very good at doing this when we’ve addressed it with her, but the husband is very dismissive and ‘doesn’t think it’s too loud’ (his words). We can’t complain to the council because they are very savvy about not playing it at anti-social hours (which makes me think they’ve had issues with that before – they’ve only done it once after the official cut-off time with the council since we’ve lived here). Almost the only thing I have found that works is turning up my own music (usually country) full blast and singing along as loud as I can, but is concerned it’s going to get us into some sort of noise war with the neighbour, which isn’t ideal as we eventually hope to be able to afford to move elsewhere and any complaints or disputes would have to be noted on the sale documents. I should also add that when we first moved into the house we had some plastering work done and they complained about it waking up their kid (we apologised and asked the workmen to stop and start again later), so I’m a bit concerned that if we pushed it they’d hold that over us somehow.

    So is there anything else we can do? I feel really lost for how to deal with this and frustrated at neighbour’s unreasonableness (though suspect it is partly me being unreasonable as well) and not being able to sit in my own living room in peace, but equally I feel terrible for my husband and it bothers me that I can’t fix this. The only thing I can think of is either to be more persistent about the noise or to ask neighbour round when his music is on, because I’m not sure he actually knows how loud it is, but I’m a bit doubtful that would work. Any suggestions very gratefully received!

    1. Nacho*

      The next couple of times you hear it, go over and call him out on it right away. Make sure it happens every single time so he knows you’re going to keep bugging him until he stops. If that doesn’t work after a week or two, then go full out music war, and play your country music as loud as possible during all hours of the day. Leave it on while you’re out of the house even. Once someone comes over to talk to you about it, that’s when you tell them that you’ll turn your music down as long as they keep theirs at a reasonable level as well. Mutually assured destruction is the best kind of peace.

      If you can’t complain to the council about their music, that means they can’t complain about yours, and you should have nothing to worry about.

    2. A Nickname for AAM*

      I’m guessing from your use of the “u” in neighbor you’re not in the US, so this advice might not be much help, but most of the cities and towns I’ve lived in request that these calls go through the police. The idea being, the person who is inconsiderate enough to blast music may become violent or otherwise retaliate if they have a name and face to put to the complaint.

      Sometimes the police are too busy and won’t be able to do anything, but it’s worth a shot.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I think that only works if it’s at a time when it’s reasonable to expect quiet, like the middle of the night. The neighbors have the right to enjoy their home however they wish.

        I can’t help but wonder if there is a racial element to this situation given the styles of music specified.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Huge apologies – I genuinely didn’t intend for that to come across as racist. They have played other styles of music loudly (Ed Sheeran early in the morning comes to mind, but again not at an hour that could be considered particularly anti-social) but it’s more the loudness of the bass that’s bothering us rather than the musical styles.

          1. Marion Ravenwood*

            I should also add that I genuinely didn’t mean to offend anyone and apologise hugely if I have.

    3. Enough*

      The only other thing is to do something to deaden some of the noise. Minimal is to attach another lawyer of drywall. Putting a layer of foam board might help more.

      1. Thlayli*

        Actually this is not a bad idea. Getting an acoustic wall in is a lot cheaper than you think.

        However, my first thought was to look up the noise regulations in your area. It’s not as simple as “anything goes during the day”. Where I live for example it’s more vaguely defined as something like being likely to cause a disturbance to a reasonable person or something like that.

        I had a noisy neighbour once (he had some problem with his house alarm and it went off every single morning and woke up everyone in 3 streets). I printed out the regulations and the phone numbers of a few alarm repair companies and knocked on his door. Handed him the alarm company repair stuff first and told him they would do a callout for €50 (he had a 2 year old Audi so I don’t think money was the issue). When he predictably asked what business it was of mine I handed him the regulations on noise and informed him that what he was doing was illegal.

        We haven’t been woken by his alarm since.

    4. BRR*

      After hearing about and experiencing noisy neighbors, honestly I don’t think there’s much you can do. I think it’s really hard to win a war against loud neighbors.

  81. Anon in the city*

    My partner told me yesterday she thinks we should separate. I’m not surprised, we’ve had issues for a while, but it’s still difficult to hear. If it weren’t for the kids I think it would probably be the right decision but for their sake I just feel I can’t give up. And for mine. The thought of some kind of ‘one week here one week there’ arrangement makes me really sad. I haven’t talked to anyone about it yet so I just needed to write it out

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      I do want to point out though, that staying together ‘for the kids’ is not usually good for the kids. I’ve seen so many people say that it was obvious their parents weren’t happy and they wished they had just split up because it would have made everyone happier.

      It will be a tough time for all of you and perhaps family therapy is something to consider.

    3. Thursday Next*

      I’m sorry–this is really tough to go through.

      Detective AS is right–kids are more attuned to their parents’ feelings and behavior than we sometimes realize.

      I hear you on feeling sad about your kids having to rotate homes. I’ve known some families where the kids stay put, and the adults rotate. Different logistical and emotional challenges, but perhaps something you could consider?

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      As someone who deals with a lot of kids of divorced parents, please don’t think staying together for the sake of the kids is a good idea, because most of the time it is not. You and your partner may not be having screaming fights or being abusive to each other, but if you’ve been having problems for a while, as you say, there is probably a lot of tension in your house and your kids will be aware, even if they can’t articulate it. This tension affects their work at school and their relationships with their friends and it’s not a good situation. Kids are usually pretty resilient and will adjust to a one week on-one week off schedule, assuming everyone involved is civil and sticks to their part of the schedule, but it’s not fair to expect them to live in a house of heightened emotions.

    5. Thlayli*

      I’m going to take the opposite opinion. I actually do think that when the kids are young it is a good idea to stay together for the sake of the kids. This is only in the absence of abuse. If there is any abuse of any kind on either side, end it. But if there is no abuse and it’s just “fell out of love”, then I think it is worth trying counselling before throwing in the towel, and if you can be amicable about it, I even think it would be good to live together as a family even if you are not in a relationship any more – sleep in separate rooms and have outside partners, but stay together until the kids are old enough to deal with it.

      Psychologically if kids are under 7 they can’t comprehend that something that happens isn’t their fault or isn’t all about themselves. So when one partner leaves the child will always see it as “daddy/mammy left me” not as “my parents split up but it had nothing to do with me”

      however you can’t do this if you are not both in agreement with this plan. You can’t force someone to do this.

      Has she accused you of abusive behaviour of any kind? If so, listen to what she is saying and take it on board – people rarely make that stuff up (at least not till the divorce starts getting really nasty). And in that case it is probably best for the kids if you do split up. But if she has not accused you of any abuse and is just if the mindset that your relationship isn’t working, ask her if she would be willing to give counselling a go before throwing in the towel.

      1. TL -*

        Yeah, there are some studies that suggest this – if you and your spouse can get along amicably, it is best for the kids that you stay together for as long as possible. The older they are when you split, the better it is.

        That being said, that isn’t the only consideration in your life choices and it’s okay if that’s not the path you end up taking.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      Please don’t stay together for the kids, especially if any of your kids are girls. You don’t want to model the behavior or begging for attention or affection from a man who doesn’t love you,

      1. TL -*

        Well, either the OP is a man or this is a no-man relationship. If the partner is asking for the separation, I don’t think she’s going to be begging for attention from him.

        1. Anon in the city*

          Thanks everyone for your virtual support! Our kids are under 7 and we’re 2 women. She says I’m irritable at home and this affects the kids. This is true, but a lot of my frustration also comes from feeling pushed into a corner by her. I’m willing to do therapy and will, if nothing else for myself (I’ve done this in the past on other issues) but my partner very much seems to be of the mindset that everything wrong is my fault, and that while therapy of any kind is a good idea for other people it’s definitely not for her. I’ve suggested it in the past. While I’m absolutely willing to take my share of the blame here it’s obviously not one-sided and this refusal to see any issues on her side is difficult to deal with. Most of the time we still get along, though, and have plenty of good times, too, so at least at this stage no matter what decision we take I expect it to be amicable.

  82. Call me St. Vincent*

    I haven’t bought a cell phone in several years and need a new one, but it seems the landscape has totally changed! I’m having trouble navigating how to determine what is a good deal or not. I’m used to the pay 99 bucks for a new iPhone and get a 2 year contract type of deal but now everything is a monthly fee for the phone plus the monthly phone bill. Anyone have any advice on how to do this? I currently have AT&T on a family plan and have for a really long time and was grandfathered in for unlimited data but then given some high level of data once they stopped doing unlimited.

    Thanks in advance for any advice on this!

    1. CatCat*

      Get an unlocked phone. We got Moto G5 Plus phones from Costco this year. Very happy with them and they were under $200. Was super easy for us to set up. We just put in the sim cards and were done.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I’m sorry for being so ignorant about this, but can you just buy the phone and then use it on the same plan even if you don’t buy from the carrier? I know you can do that with iPhones from Apple, but if you buy from Costco, can I then use it on my AT&T plan?

  83. Alice*

    Passive-agressive PSA: if you are helping me take care of my ill father by ordering delivery and leaving before it arrives so that I have to drop everything to quiet the dog, answer the door, and pay for it; by coming over to have tea with him and then asking me to do everything including to get you a second teapot because the first one isn’t bone china; by coming over to sit with him so that I can walk the dog but delaying your visit until it starts raining because you were baking sweets he can’t eat, or by calling me to tell me at length how important it is that he drink water: Stop it.

    1. CBE*

      Yeah, that’s not help. I am so sorry that unhelpful people are adding to your burden when you need help instead.
      To add to that:
      If you are there to help a new mom after she gives birth, don’t hog the baby and do nothing else. Don’t expect the new mom to play hostess! Take over the cleaning, cooking, etc. to give the *parents* time with the new baby the majority of the time.
      If you’re there to help after a surgery, don’t go on and on about how they could have avoided the surgery if only they used your MLM crap.
      Basically, if you want to help, don’t think about what you would like to do for them and instead think about what their needs really are.

  84. Rats (Update)*

    I’ve posted a couple of updates about dealing with a rat infestation. I’m happy to say that they’re gone. Or mostly gone. I ended up working with the landlord to hire an exterminator. We sealed up the house and then set some traps. There’s some evidence that they’ve made their way back in, but I don’t think they’re nesting indoors anymore. Just foraging. I’m still cleaning up the mess. It’s extensive.

    I have to say I kind of miss them. I don’t miss the mess and the damage, but I miss seeing them around. They sure are cute, and I really admire their intelligence. They’re kind of like tiny dogs. They have funny personalities. I might keep one as a pet later on when my dog mellows out or if I could really keep them separate.

    Question. They were nesting in the stove. In its walls and the lower compartment of the oven. Can I clean it and use it again? Or is there too much risk of catching a disease? Or could any infectious agents be destroyed just by leaving it on 500 for a while after a good cleaning? I’m grossed out by it all, but I can’t afford to replace the stove and I’m tired of living without one.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      You have a landlord, so you’re renting. Your landlord should replace the stove. I would not, under any circumstances, use an oven that once housed a bunch of rats. I don’t care if it’s ok after cleaning, I just couldn’t do it.

      1. Captain Raymond Holt*

        I agree completely, and on top of the hygiene considerations there are safety concerns too, the rats could have chewed anything inside the cooker.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am biased. I had work done here and my contractor/friend opened one wall and found a dead rat with it’s teeth locked firmly in the wires. We have no idea why the house did not burn down. He found 3 rats all totally and he found chewed wiring in other spots. It was a nightmare.

      Get a new stove. Do not use that stove. Put the stove in the dump where no one will decide to use it.

      I think your sanitation concerns are a distant second. I think that the primary concern is that the stove could be electrically unsafe and therefore it’s not usable.

      1. Rats (Update)*

        Thank you! To all the commenters, I really appreciate it. My landlord is kind of hard to communicate with, so this may be a challenge. But I’ll see if she can replace the stove. If not, maybe I’ll do it myself and not bother her about it.

        I’ve put on some weight, not being able to cook healthier food. But I have gotten better at cooking in a toaster oven. It’s one of those places where the rent is a bargain, but the house is a fixer upper and the landlord doesn’t live nearby.

  85. a mess*

    Late but maybe someone’s still reading. I found out my parent in another country (we’re semi-estranged) that I seem to have property in my name. Parent is managing it all and even paid my taxes it seems. How can I disentangle this? I moved away for reasons and won’t move back. Parent just feels it’s all in the family, so no harm done. I disagree. I don’t even know how to have this conversation. I don’t even know what kind of lawyer to look for if that is the case. Parent is doing it all themselves so it’s not like I can go to a management company and ask for the details. It’s a freaking mess.

    1. Triple Anon*

      That sucks. I think you can obtain a deed to the property. Try to get all the public records on it that you can – the deed and tax history. You should be able to find out when it was transferred to your name.

      Would you feel comfortable talking to the police about it? The relative might be breaking laws here. Squatting comes to mind. I have no idea what else could apply. They might be able to recommend a type of lawyer to talk to. Or escort you when/if you go to the property to claim it.

      Or you could sell the property. Track down the deed and work with a realtor or some other kind of company to help you handle it. Then you’d have extra money and you’d be free from the whole mess. You might not even have to go there in person. There are companies that clean up properties and manage any kind of eviction that needs to happen.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I would be tempted to do this third suggestion. But if you have any sort of relationship with this parent (or any desire for one in the future since you mentioned you are estranged), discuss it with them first. Let them know you do not want the property in your name and they can either take it back or you’ll sell it. You’ll actually probably have to sell it back to them to make it all legal but just make sure they know this is non negotiable in your mind.

        Since they did this without discussing it with you first there will probably be hurt feelings, but it’s necessary, as this can cause you a lot of trouble down the road.

    2. heckofabecca*

      My father did this to me, although not across country lines. I am not sure what type of lawyer was used (it was almost 10 years ago and I was barely 18…), but it did end well for me and my brother. Meanwhile I’m now dealing with a lawyer who’s refusing to settle my great-aunt’s estate. We have an attorney with experience with estate law, so that may be one place to start.

      Don’t take my word alone, as I’m very uncertain just typing this, but I’m sending commiseration and hope for a speedy resolution. Best of luck.

    3. Captain Raymond Holt*

      My first thought is, maybe the house was put in your name so your parent can claim some tax benefit using your name, or he didn’t want the assets in his name for some reason. Which could cause you a lot of trouble later.

      It maybe worth contacting the tax office for copies of anything that’s been submitted in your name in the last few years.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have no idea how it works in other countries. My county here has a map that shows everyone’s lot and who owns it. A person living in Australia could find my lot here in NYS. Perhaps you can google the area and find the lot online, maybe you can find out who owns the lot. To find mine, someone would have to start with finding the county website. There is a menu and one of the choices is maps.

      There may be something because you do not have the deed or you do not pay the taxes that would give you a legal leg. IANAL and I am only guessing.
      It could be your parent is lying. It could be that you own the lot jointly not on your own.

      What I do see is that if Parent can put your name on the deed, you should be able to add someone else’s name in your place. (I am using the Parent’s logic here.) I think I would tell the Parent that I did not want the land and I would be putting Other Relative’s name on the parcel. Then I would settle back and see what happens next. Sometimes a good bluff beats strenuous effort.

    5. Bagpuss*

      I think that probably you would need advice from a lawyer in the country where the property is. If it is in your name, you may well simply be able to arrange to sell the property and keep any proceeds.

      Depending on which country it is, you might be able to find a lawyer in your own country who has dual qualifications in the other country.

    6. Anon attorney*

      Speak to a lawyer in the country where the property is located. I would pick a firm which has property, tax and litigation capacity. Start with the litigators and they will get the property and tax people to find out what’s going on (depending on the country, the property ownership may be a matter of public record and your parent doesn’t need to know you searched) then the litigators can tell you what the implications are and what options, if any, you may have depending on what you want to do.

  86. MsChanandlerBong*

    Ugh…I’m tired of feeling yucky. My digestive issues are out of control. If I’m not running to the bathroom, I am nauseated and trying not to throw up before I can get to the bathroom. I just had to retch into a trash can at my volunteer job because the bathroom was too far away to make it in time. I have tried so many things with little to no success. I gave up carbonated drinks–didn’t help. Tried probiotics and digestive enzymes–no help. I almost never eat anything fried/greasy. That helps a bit, but only to a certain point. I take medication for my GERD. The only thing that has really helped is cutting out onions. I definitely had more/worse episodes when I ate onions, but even after cutting them out, I haven’t improved all that much. I had a gastroscopy, and they didn’t find anything. My gastric-emptying study was normal. I can’t imagine spending the next 40+ years feeling like this!

    Any advice I haven’t tried yet? I have done elimination diets, tried to spot/avoid triggers, and done all of the above with no real improvement.

    1. LCL*

      The only suggestion I have is to cut out all raw veggies accept lettuce. And stop eating fruit for awhile, unless it is cooked. When I do that my stomach is much happier.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I have actually tried that. I can’t eat lettuce because it is a trigger for my GERD symptoms, and I can no longer eat carrots. I get symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to severe bloating and abdominal pain that radiates to my back/shoulder blades. I don’t know why–it started happening about 13 years ago, and the pain can get so bad that it’s not worth it to me to gamble and see if I just get the mild discomfort or the awful pain that makes me lie on the bathroom floor in agony! In the past week, the only vegetable I have eaten is two pieces of corn on the cob. I have cut out bell peppers, onions, broccoli, cauliflower, etc.

    2. fposte*

      So is IBS a possibility? It makes sense to scope things to make sure it’s not something else, but it would seem pretty possible from what you’re describing, and it also seems like direct treatment for it hasn’t been discussed much. Was a low-FODMAP diet in the mix at all, for one thing? What about Enteragam or Lotronex–did they ever get mentioned?

      I will say for me (IBS secondary to Crohn’s) that once things are kicked up dietary changes are sloooooow to make effect, so when I’ve tried elimination diets they haven’t done well as diagnostic tools. Something like the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, which gets some cautious consideration from GIs (it’s got some woo attached but seems to get some decent results in some studies), really backs you off of everything for a while–it’s like a reverse elimination diet–and therefore might work better. (I couldn’t actually tolerate proper SCD but I eat the SCD yogurt–freshly made at home, no bifidus strains, fermented at least 24 hours–every freaking day.) Once I was on some meds to stabilize things, I was able to take the time to get a lot better idea about what foods were risk foods and what foods were usually safe harbors.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I personally think I have a partial bowel obstruction. I had a small bowel obstruction when I was a kid, and I nearly died from it. There was a shadow on the X-ray, and nobody ever bothered to get another one. Fortunately, my mother knew something wasn’t right and pushed to have me transferred to another hospital. The obstruction I had when I was little was caused by adhesions from previous abdominal surgeries. In 2015, I had my gallbladder removed, and it took them almost 45 minutes extra to remove the adhesions from my abdominal cavity. My bowel was stuck to my abdominal wall, and I had scar tissue wrapped around the neck of my gallbladder as well as on my diaphragm. These symptoms all started about a year after my gallbladder removal, and my complete bowel obstruction also occurred about one year after my previous abdominal surgery. I think I need an X-ray before we jump to the colonoscopy and gastroscopy.

        1. fposte*

          Are you seeing a GI or just a primary care physician? With your history, an x-ray (really a CT scan for bowel blockage) should be a pretty low-impact step, and I’m pretty surprised that neither that nor a colonoscopy has been suggested.

          I will say that severe bloating and pain radiating to shoulder blade area are pretty common with IBS, too, so they don’t automatically point toward a blockage, but with your history a CT scan should be pretty easy to authorize.

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            Thanks, fposte! The GI specialist ordered an X-ray, but she told me not to get it unless I have abdominal pain/severe distention. Guess when I have my worst bouts of pain? Yep, 2:00 in the morning or 4:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday when the X-ray place is closed. I wanted the GI place to give me an X-ray order for the local hospital (it is more convenient for me, as the X-ray dept. opens at 7:00, which means I can be back home to work by the time my shift starts at 8:00). However, they refused. They must have some kind of referral setup with the place they chose; I’ve never heard of it, and it’s way out of my way. I am going to email my PCP and ask him if he could write an X-ray order for the hospital.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I don’t usually jump straight to such things, but… what about acupuncture? I know, you’ve been through a ton of poking and prodding, but I have heard positive things from people with gastric issues who have tried it. Beyond that, I usually recommend fermented foods to get things settled, and I honestly believe those can be more effective (not to mention tasty) than probiotic pills. But in your position, I wouldn’t want to start eating a ton of sauerkaut and kimchi.

      I really hope you feel better soon.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I’m desperate–I would consider anything at this point. I’m keeping the Imodium people in business, which probably isn’t good for me, but when the alternative is to quit volunteering or going anywhere b/c I might not be able to make it to the bathroom, sometimes I just have to take a dose.

    4. nep*

      Sounds awful. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Hope you’ll find a solution soon.
      You said you’ve tried enzymes. I’ve read of people having good results with bromelain for digestive disorders; might be worth looking into, but perhaps that’s among the products you’ve tried.
      You might have a food allergy you’ve not yet discovered…? A friend of mine went to a specialist who found she has a food mold allergy; like night and day when she cut down on offending foods.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I think a visit to an allergy specialist would be helpful, even if it doesn’t help with my GI issues. As I get older, I am more and more sensitive to things. There is only one shampoo I can use without ending up with a super-itchy scalp, I can’t touch dryer sheets b/c I get a rash, I have to be really careful about soaps and detergents, and I can’t be around anyone who’s wearing a strong perfume/cologne/other scent.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh god. You sound like me. I had to give up dairy and that helped. Eventually I gave up (mostly gave up) gluten. Allergies were causing my life to run amok. I can walk down the laundry detergent aisle with out sneezing/tearing up now. But there is no way I will go back to using those products.

          Interestingly, since my body was not putting all its energy into coping with allergy my digestive track was able to work better. Our bodies have a finite amount of energy they can only cope with so much then they are done coping.

    5. Hope this helps*

      Ugh…this sounds miserable — sorry you are going through it! I agree with the person who suggested trying to eliminate FODMAP foods, if you haven’t already (try *no* FODMAPS, not just low FODMAPS, for accurate results). The Whole30 is another approach you might try. I also agree that you might try acupuncture, moreover that it’s time to try treatment approaches other than western medicine, since that doesn’t seem to be working for you. Acupuncture could help, but I would recommend an acupuncturist who is also a nutritionist (NOT a dietician, which is different) and/or has experience in helping people treat conditions through dietary modification. Since all your test results seem to be coming back normal, I really believe the solution most likely lies in modifying your diet, and maybe rebalancing your gut bacteria, but with the support and guidance of someone who has expertise in this. My aunt is a nutritionist who has turned people’s lives around through diet, people who have similar problems to yours. I don’t know where you live, but if you don’t know where to start looking for help, an acupuncture clinic might be able to recommend a nutritionist. I really believe your answers lie in figuring out what foods are causing problems, and rebalancing your digestive system so that it can heal. Good luck!

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I just checked the package. Bromelain is not mentioned. The active ingredients are Bacillus coagulans, hemicellulase, cellulase, alpha-galactosidase, and invertase.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Bromelain is also used in alternative circle as a pain killer. While it did not do much for me, I have seen others have success. I think it depends on the source of the pain.

      2. Yup*

        +1 the FODMAP elimination diet. After 10 years of digestive issues, doing this helped me figure out what I can and cannot eat. Highly recommend.

    6. Book Lover*

      You didn’t mention breath tests, I think? SIBO, fructose intolerance, lactose intolerance?

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I haven’t had any of those. I had tests for cryptosporidium, giardia, fecal fat, C. diff, panreatic elastase, campylobacter, and calprotectin; HLA typing for celiac disease, stool cultures, and blood tests for inflammatory markers. The only things that were abnormal were my c-reactive protein (normal is < 0.3, and mine was 2.8) and erythrocyte sedimentation rate (normal is 0-20, and mine was 68). However, I have lupus and heart disease, so I have had a high level of inflammation in my body for a long time. My inflammatory markers have been high for years; in fact, my c-reactive protein has been much higher than that, even without the GI issues. It's hard to get a diagnosis sometimes when I have had so many issues. I have lupus, heart disease, stage 3 kidney disease, hypertension (caused by the kidney disease), PCOS, and all sorts of other nonsense. I don't blame the GI specialist for not being able to find the problem right away, but I am tired of feeling awful.

  87. Nervous Accountant*

    Kkind of late here cz I just flew back last night so i may come back next week.

    Anyone ever seen a exericse physiologist? from brief research I did, they’re more well qualified to deal with people with illnesses and injuries as opposed to regular personal trainers (not knocking them, I would def go with one but.)

    I’m seeing my endo and will talk to her about how I feel like my PCP is blowing me off. Still having the aching pains in my calves and I’m sick of this shit.

    I tried to make a timeline and goals to get my health back on track:

    May was for being consistent with my medications. I’ve been pretty good with it and my #s have been better (which is b/c my diet is better). By all means nothing great, but better than the past.

    June is to diet. It’s Ramadan so I want to do a modified fast. I’m reading up on benefits of intermittent fasting and I got the OK from my doctor). I’m seeing a nutritionist next week soI have enough time to prep.

    July is to begin exercising. I’m half tempted to just start now and fuck the pain

    2. WellRed*

      I found my endo took me more seriously than my PCP when I complained that I was gaining weight (like 20 pounds in just under two years). I think an exercise physiologist can be a good idea. I saw one briefly when I was a patient at Joslin, but it was so long ago and I can’ recall anything.

  88. LongTimeReader*

    Tldr: ugh I just want to keep my baby (dog) safe from bullies but feel powerless to tell anyone they can’t join us in the play area.

    Super late but wanted to say thanks to those who responded to my question last week about how to decide if I want to move. I have a new question that I think belongs in the weekend thread but I might ask it next week if I remember to get here early enough. So today is more of a rant then.

    I took over the leading of a get together for people who adopted greyhounds through the adoption agency I got my dog from. We gather at a park once a month, walk the path, and, if there’s no one in the fenced baseball field, we secure the broken gate and let our dogs run off leash. This is just the way it was done when it was passed on to me and I never looked into whether or not we were actually allowed to do that. The problem is that people walking their dog decide it looks fun to let their dog run around the field too and just invite themselves in. This a) causes panic because greyhounds are crazy fast and suddenly there’s an unsuspecting person holding a gate open and b) puts our dogs in danger because greyhound skin is very thin and greyhounds are just generally easy to injure. That’s why we take our dogs to this event rather than letting them loose at a dog park.

    Today someone walked up as soon as we’d secured the gate, started removing our tie without a word while his dog barked and growled at ours through the fence, and walked in saying “he’s friendly once he warms up” before immediately releasing the dog to chase after the greyhounds, resulting in one dog bleeding and a strange snarling dog knocking into my legs. The owner’s solution was to throw a ball on the other side of the field and call his dog to that side as if greyhounds aren’t known for their ability to cover great distances. We were able to call our dogs back, leash them up, and leave without our run time. I actually walked out there to warn him we’d be taking our tie and that would leave the gate unsecured. He asked why we didn’t stay, I said we had a bleeding dog and couldn’t risk making it worse and he shrugged and said sorry and we left.

    Considering we can’t officially reserve the field (it’s just first come basis), I feel pretty powerless here to stop people from crashing our party. I’m thinking of making some kind of sign we could put on the gate that warns “hey we have fragile dogs here, don’t bring your dick of a dog in to ruin our party” but I’m feeling way out of my depth trying to come up with diplomatic ways to say something I can’t actually back up. Plus I don’t want to give a bad impression of the organization if people feel left out. Or if someone complains about us I might find out we’re not actually allowed to have dogs out there and the woman who passed it on to me never checked or something.

    1. BRR*

      I would look into the park rules first. I’m guessing it’s spelled out. If it is allowed, the phrase I’ve used at the dog park when a dog seems to be aggressive to other dogs has been “this doesn’t seem like the best place for your dog. They don’t seem to be enjoying it/they seem to not like others dogs.” Its worked fairly well and I’ve amped up as need be. I don’t think you can really limit the field to your group though. I think you have to wait for the dog to be a jerk (which stinks).

    2. fposte*

      Oof. I have to say I would be pretty surprised if a public park was okay with a takeover of the baseball field for dogs, but I suppose it could be the case. A quick search reveals that there are greyhound-only areas of some dog parks for this reason–could you propose that to the park district, and then if they say “We let people use the old baseball field for that” you have your answer and can formalize it?

    3. Enough*

      Have you ever explained to others why they can’t let their dog lose? That it is too easy for the greyhounds to be injured if around strange dogs?

    4. dragonzflame*

      Have you considered muzzling? Sometimes a muzzle has a magical ability to keep people and dogs away – they can be a great tool for a dog that isn’t aggressive but just needs space, because people see ‘aggressive dog’ and stay away (evil cackle).

      I believe you can also buy jackets for dogs that say ‘Give me space’ or something like that.

    5. Triple Anon*

      I think a sign could work. Something like, “Greyhound Group 10am – 11am. Questions? Call or text the group leader at xxx-xxxx. Please do not open the gate. Greyhounds are fast!”

  89. misspiggy*

    While you’re sorting out the park permissions, I’d go with two or three big signs – Our greyhounds are very fragile – thank you for keeping your dog away today!

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