{ 1,314 comments… read them below }

    2. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Agreed.

      Alison, you’ve given us a community to connect. You’ve given us advice. You’ve turned me from a young, clueless employee, to someone others turn to for advice (it’s usually your advice haha) on employment stuff.

      Thank you for creating this amazing place!

    3. Junior Dev*

      I told someone recently “all the advice I have for you is stuff I learned from Ask A Manager, so you should just go read her archive.” Thanks for creating such a great resource and community!

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      That’s so kind of you — thank you!

      Now can I ask y’all a favor? I’d love some input on this: The Ask a Manager podcast is coming back on June 20, and it’s going to be produced/distributed by How Stuff Works (which is amazing). They’re encouraging me to do two episodes a week rather than one. I don’t think my schedule allows for two episodes a week of the normal format (talking to a letter-writer about their letter) because it’s time-intensive, but I could do a second show a week if its format were different from the first. There are a bunch of options for what that format could be. For example:

      – I could bring on guests who have some kind of relevant specialty and interview/talk to them (for example, someone who’s an expert in salary negotiation or so forth) — similar to the episode I did earlier with Gretchen Rubin
      – I could talk about letters from the site in the past week and kind of go deeper on them (probably would need a co-host to make that interesting, so it’s not just me rambling about my thoughts)
      – I could have a co-host to talk about random topics that come up here a lot, not necessarily connected to specific recent letters
      – or something I haven’t thought of yet

      I’d welcome thoughts about what would be interesting to people!

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I like all of these suggestions.

        What about updates? Do you get enough to do one of those a week as a podcast?

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I second this idea of updates. I love reading those and so more in any format would be great.

          Sort of continuing on from your first point at having a specialist of some sort on – what about having people on who have actually successfully negotiated their salaries? Or successfully gone to HR about some issues that was resolved using your advice? A number of the comments in the work threads are generally about people implementing your advice in real life and the outcomes of it. I’d even like to hear the ones that didn’t go well and maybe you can dissect why they didn’t go well. I’m sure you would have loads of volunteers from the community here.

      2. alex b*

        How Stuff Works?! That’s so awesome; they make some of the best podcasts!! Congrats!

        I enjoy your current format a lot, but for twice-a-week, two different formats would be great.

        From what you listed, I prefer your second (discussing past letters more w/ a co-host) and third (discussing topical things w/ a co-host) options over the first (expert interview), personally.

        I’d also love to hear a summary of and commentary on a recent job-related news story (something noteworthy about law, human interest, social justice, true crime, etc. related to the workplace).

        Fwiw I listen to podcasts where there’s a combo of 2-3 short segments in an episode, and they can work really well. Not sure if that would be more or less work, though.

        I look forward to hearing two episodes a week!

      3. Annie Mouse*

        I’ll add my thanks as well Alison, this is a rare safe port in the internet and it comes with the bonus of brilliant advice and some cracking reads!

        All of those suggestions sound really good. I think you rambling with your thoughts sounds fine!
        A couple of other suggestions, what about interviews with letter writers in unusual jobs or with unusual career paths? A bit like you’ve done posts on here. Or fictional bosses/situations (as in bosses and situations from fiction, not completely made up!).

          1. louise*

            omg. THE NIECES TOTALLY BELONG ON AN EPISODE. Also, investing in them is just good succession planning. ;)

      4. Lore*

        What about including the broader “conversations with people who have interesting jobs” in the “experts” category? You could even take questions in advance (unless you wanted the guests to be a surprise of course) from readers—the thing they most want to know about working in a parrot sanctuary or whatever—which would cut down on prep time maybe.

        2. Hobgoblin*

          Yep, that was my first thought as well. I so love running across those posts. I think they’re the most fascinating ones to read and I’d love to hear interviews about people in professions that are unusual or just vastly different than mine.

      6. gecko*

        Going deeper on some letters with a cohost sounds both interesting and sustainable. It still has an advice structure (Branding tm), an easy topic for the conversation to range around, and I think cohost chemistry is a huge reason why podcasting is popular.

      7. smoke tree*

        I like the idea of having a co-host or series of co-hosts to discuss letters. It could also work if you saved some of the weirder or more nuanced letters to discuss with the co-host–this is a format I’ve heard in a few advice column podcasts and I think it works well. If you were able to use a series of co-hosts, it could work as a combination interview/advice format, although it would probably involve more work to find them.

      8. Bye Academia*

        I personally would prefer one longer podcast to a second one. Yours are already pretty short compared to the ones I tend to listen to.

        What if you gathered up two or three letters that are related to the one where you’re going to talk to the letter writer? You could answer one or two first to set up the general concept, and then dive deeper into it with specifics and back-and-forth with the letter writer. So each week would focus on one broad topic with two or three specific letters, including one with the letter writer calling in.

      9. Beatrice*

        Maybe mix it up a bit? Like this:

        Week 1: Timely stand-alone discussion with a guest cohost on do’s and don’ts when you start a new internship
        Week 2: Letter podcast
        Week 3: Discussion with a guest cohost on this week’s explosive site letter from an employee whose pot-bellied pig was kidnapped by her boss and served as the main course for a staff barbecue
        Week 4: Letter podcast
        Week 5: “Tell us about your job” interview with someone who taught at a clown college
        Week 6: Letter podcast
        Week 7: Stand-alone discussion with a guest co-host on how to determine if you’re correctly classified as a contractor and what to do if you’re not
        Week 8: Update from the letter writer from the podcast in Week 2
        Week 9: Allison’s take on the whistleblower scandal that recently rocked ACME corp, and discussion on how to handle it if your company is involved in illegal activity

        etc.

        Some of those things could be pre-recorded material that could be bumped to another non-letter week if there’s a site letter that would generate more good discussion or something in the news that makes good podcast material.

      10. Not So NewReader*

        I like the idea of interviewing other people, this takes a bit off of you to provide new content each week that you have made solely yourself. From time to time maybe you could survey the readers here to see their suggestions of who they would like to hear and/or you could survey for the questions, too. “I am interviewing Jane Smith, well known for XYZ. What questions would you like answered? I will pick 7 [or other number] and ask.”

        OTH, perhaps you see patterns where certain topics come up periodically. Domestic violence in the workplace.Violent cohorts/stalkers at work. You could discuss new legislation and it’s impact on workplaces. I mentioned knowledge gaps a while ago, we all have them. Perhaps you see common misconceptions that would be good to discuss. You could bring in a person who is expert on the matter to discuss it.

        Sneakily, you could bring in people who are expert in areas that you feel are not your strong suit. This might even make it more interesting for you, too. But you don’t have to tell anyone why the person is there (chuckling).

        But my baseline answer is I am sure whatever you come up with people will like it and tune in.

      11. Soupspoon McGee*

        How Work Works. Heh.

        I love all of these ideas, and I’d love it if you’d do occasional deep-dive podcasts into some of the themes we see here:
        *how to survive a toxic workplace
        *what to do once realizing your boss is horrible and isn’t going to change
        *how to be friendly but not boundary-crossing at work
        *how to find a mentor and get the most out of mentoring
        *how to network effectively, especially for introverts
        *how to dress professionally (including in ambiguous business casual environments) and how to build a work-appropriate wardrobe on a budget
        *how to date at work if you really decide to do it even though it’s not a great idea
        *how to recover from a mistake and how to know it’s time to leave over a mistake
        *how to understand the culture of a workplace, then navigate it if it’s not a great fit
        *stupid mistakes most of us have made (and survived)

      12. Sunshine in my eyes*

        I would like to hear an episode for young people in their first jobs. At various workplaces I’ve seen young people not really know how to be a good employee, and managers and co-workers get annoyed, but the first timers don’t even know ‘how’ to show initiative, for example, even if they know the word. I remember standing around at my first waitress job, until I noticed others were constantly moving and doing things. Nobody told me, they probably just talked about me:) and at my current job, one of the summer temps fell asleep, and took breaks that were 15 minutes too long. He was a good kid, and ended up being a pretty decent employee but that was rough for him. He wasn’t lazy or stupid, he just needed guidance.

      13. Kuododi*

        On the topic of cohosts… I have not heard anything from your delightful niece’s in ages. I loved reading their opinions in archived letters!!! If they’re in a position to pop in from time to time that would be magnificent!!! (And occasionally hysterical.). ;). Blessings!

          1. Kuododi*

            Mazel Tov!!! I have an amazing niece as well. She’s the daughter I didn’t get to have. Of course my brilliant nephew isn’t chopped liver either.

      14. That female train driver.*

        I’m a female coal train locomotive engineer who would be happy to talk to you about my experiences in such a male dominated industry. Perhaps you could run episodes about people in strange-ish jobs?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Trains!!! I like trains but don’t know a lot about them. Is the train you work on coal -fired or does it haul coal? I am thinking that trains are diesel and you haul coal?

          1. That female train driver.*

            I haul coal, on different types of engines. I can drive diesel and electric trains. They are about 14,000 tonnes when loaded.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              You’re awesome. I won’t ask more questions in case Alison decides to interview you. But it would be interesting to hear how you came to do this work. And little parts about it, such as what does a “drivers’ license test” look like.

        2. Almost Violet Miller*

          I often reread the interviews with people with strange jobs. I’d really enjoy if that continued, extended with the idea of That female train driver above.

        3. Workerbee*

          Eeee!

          Being a steam locomotive engineer was always my dream since I was young and would defiantly check out “The Boy’s Book of Trains” from my grade school library.

          I didn’t go that way at all, yet I regularly visit a favorite, near-enough railway museum (which is stuffed with volunteers restoring trains and running them on the lines). I would love to hear about your experiences.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Union Pacific Big Boys, what a frighteningly large piece of machinery. The main wheels had to be close to six feet in diameter.

      15. Jo*

        I love all those ideas, and I don’t think you have to lock yourself into any one of them. Variety is the spice of life – and of podcasts! :)

        Also, I have to also say thank you. I’ve been a manager for 5 years now and I improve with time, thanks to your great advice!

      16. Bibliovore*

        I would like one longer one. Yes to interviews. Yes to experts. Yes to a updates. Yes to “stump the manager” like the phone ins with the “car guys”

      17. Sarah G*

        Any of the co-host ideas sound great, and it doesn’t have to be experts — I recommend an episode co-hosting with your nieces!
        I also loved your mansplaining episode where you sought out someone struggling with this issue to come forward. What about similar quasi-confessional themes — like seeking out hiring managers who have interviewed applicants then not followed up with rejections, or who don’t send out job rejections in general and are open to discussing it, or who that do/don’t post salary ranges in job postings and why? Maybe you could draw attention to some of the bs that is part of the culture of the job application process and the lack of logic behind some of it.
        You also need to invite Dan Savage to co-host, of course.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Ha, my nieces would love it.

          My dream co-host is actually a friend who’s hilarious and who has always had great ideas for the site in the past — she’s the one who originally suggested doing updates, in fact. In my dream scenario, she and I could just discuss recent letters and it would be funny and hopefully interesting, but I can’t decide if it’s too weird to basically be like “listen to my BFF and me discuss AAM letters and crack each other up.”

          1. AAM afficionado*

            That sounds like the perfect podcast! I love it when cohosts have great rapport. Plus it’s nice when a podcasts adds a little something “extra” as opposed to just being the spoken form of a blog post.

            While I’m at it – I would also love interview of people in different/unique jobs!

            Oh, or etiquette in situations where workplace “norms” in an industry are very different from what are established rules. e.g. how to deal with coworkers when you live in a camp environment (so you can never escape each other!) or something like that.

          3. Not So NewReader*

            Actually if the two of you are comfy with each other like that, then it will probably make a very enjoyable episode. There are synergies from people who work well off each other.

          4. JanetM*

            I would love that! One of my favorite things I attended ever was “Vint Cerf and another guy from the days of Arpanet sit on stage and swap old ‘war stories’.”

          5. Elizabeth*

            This is going to sound a little odd, but how about having her be your reserve? Most talk show hosts have a friend/colleague who is their go-to when the scheduled guests have to bow out suddenly. Jay Leno had Terry Bradshaw in that role for years on The Tonight Show. That way, you always have the backup who you know will be able to step in and help you put on an engaging episode even if you don’t have another plan.

            1. Magee*

              +1 I was going say I could name a bunch of successful podcasts that started because two close friends wanted to talk about a specific topic- MFM, TrueCrime Garage, How Did This Get Made? and Dumb People Town are just off the top of my head.

          7. Squeeble*

            No, this would be PERFECT. I’d love episodes like that. Very similar to MFM, Call Your Girlfriend, By The Book…it would be great and not weird at all!

          8. StudentAffairsProfessional*

            frankly, this is the best idea yet!! most of the podcasts I LOVE are basically just what you described. two or more people with great rapport just talking loosely about a certain topic (unsolved mysteries, home renovation, dating life, etc). I don’t mind at all and actually enjoy when they go off topic and are just chatting about their lives. It feels like I’m part of a conversation with friends. That feeling stimulates my extrovert brain and really helps me get through long periods that would otherwise be silence/boring to me – like doing chores, driving, envelope-stuffing at work, etc. I would really enjoy just hearing you and your friend just chat about a letter or a workplace topic!!!

        2. Sarah G*

          I love the idea of you and your friend — if you have good chemistry and good rapport, it could work really well! There are a lot of great podcasts that thrive on the interplay between two co-hosts. You could always try it with her as a guest and see how it goes, but it sounds like a great idea.

      18. Janice in Accounting*

        I love the idea of a deeper dive on the week’s letters with a co-host; I don’t always get a chance to read all the comments, so it would be interesting to hear you incorporate the commenters’ thoughts and ideas.

      19. Minocho*

        You mentioned that you enjoyed reading your audio book because it allowed you to address tone and how to come across properly in our work life. If you have a theme that requires these scripts and would benefit from working on tone, maybe you could perform some of the common scripts with someone else to demonstrate. A few episodes on the common questions: How to address issues with an employee and help them perform as you need, or realize that the position in question isn’t a good fit; how to respond to critical feedback and the difference between explaining and giving excuses; how to give or receive an interview and address negotiations; etc.

      1. Anna Held*

        Not sure if this is in response to the podcast question or not, but it’s what I came here to say. Let trusted commenters have occasional podcasts! So many of your commenters have great advice or unusual professions or have dealt with difficult work issues or simply can commiserate — they’ve been through dealing with disabilities at work, or career changes, or unemployment. Even smaller topics like “I changed my resume radically, this worked great, here’s Alison’s suggestions in action” or the two of you performing mock interview questions that are dissected afterwards could be helpful. Scripts for difficult conversations modeled so you can hear tone. All the stuff you’re doing already, really! You’ve got a good mix of the unusual and the banal, the fun and the serious and the nuts-and-bolts. I’d keep that.

    6. Belle di Vedremo*

      Yes, thanks so much. This may have started as a lark for you, but look how it’s grown and what a community you host. We’re grateful.

  2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse*

    Looking for recommendations for great cat foods and litter if people have them. My 20 year old tabby is getting fussy.

    1. Pam*

      I like the pine litters, Feline Pine is the main brand. For a 20-year old cat, I would feed her whatever she wanted.

        1. Percysowner*

          I like the Pine litter as well. If you find your cat likes it, you can go to a feed and garden store and buy pine pellets used for horse stalls, things like Equine Pine. It’s the exact same material as in the Feline Pine, but about 1/3 the price.

      2. Clever Name*

        Pellet stove fuel is the exact same thing as feline pine and costs a quarter of the price.

    2. CatCat*

      Our picky kitty likes Soulistic wet food.

      I love silica litter. It comes and large crystals and very fine crystals (the fine ones are usually clumping if that matters to you). If your kitty has litter texture issues, maybe give it a try with whichever size crystals are the most different from whatever litter you’re using that kitty doesn’t care for.

    3. Sylvan*

      My cats like Swheat Scoop litter. World’s Best is also good.

      Sometimes older cats have trouble drinking enough water or have trouble with tougher food, so try stirring a spoonful of water into whatever cat food your kitty likes. Also, Friskies and Fancy Feast both sell “broths” that my old cat loves.

      2. I Love Thrawn*

        The only thing about that kind of litter is sometimes it has bugs, I think. Concatulations on 20 years!

      1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse*

        Thank you. He’s a scrawny orange tabby I got for my birthday from a shelter years ago. He’s a pain and a joy, my old man cat who still jumps on everything.

        1. Minocho*

          My 17 year old man cat is getting thin. I’m pretty much feeding him whatever he wants – the more calories, the better.

    5. Book Lover*

      I am using the breeze system, but I am not sure if an older cat would transition well? But the zeolite pellets seem to do a good job controlling smell and with allergies it is nice because no dust.

      Can’t help much with the food, we are using diamond kitten dry food and max cat kitten wet food.

    6. Rainy*

      My 22 year old cat has a strong preference for clumping clay litter. We use Tidy Cat.

      Also, Halo. Halo’s cat kibble is fantastic–my 22yo has been eating it for the last 10 years and, well, he’s 22 so…

      2. nonprofit director*

        Our two cats also strongly prefer clumping litter, and we use Dr. Elsey’s unscented for multiple cat households. We have no problems with odor, but I think a big part of that is due to the fact that they eat raw only, which really improved their output.

    7. Nancie*

      I used Dr Elsey’s litter. The cat attract worked perfectly when my kitten had litter box issues.

      1. Safetykats*

        Another vote for Dr Elsey’s. Cat Attract is great. You can also buy the big container of herbs (smells a little like alfalfa to me) to add to any unscented litter, which is a little cheaper but still works like a dream.

    8. Logan*

      Litter – be sure to avoid anything scented, and if you want to mitigate the smell you can mix in a bit of baking powder.

      Food – cats are driven by smell, which gets worse as we age (humans and cats). I’d suggest stinkier foods, like mixing in a bit of tuna or unsalted chicken broth. I have also had baby food be highly recommended for this, although tuna or broth has always worked for me. They can’t be the only long-term food, as they are missing a lot of essential minerals, but do well mixed in with a commercial food.

      1. WS*

        Yes, I had an elderly cat with kidney issues, so it was very important to keep her weight up…but kidney issues in cats affect the teeth and gums so it was hard to make food attractive to her. A bit of chicken broth or tuna or a really stinky prawn “luxury” cat food with her regular nutrient-balanced food worked wonders.

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Dr Elsey’s makes a senior litter (Petco online has it) that my almost 22 year old tabby likes. It’s silica (I think) and seems easier on her paws. I mix it with Dr Elseys Precious Cat. For food, mine likes Nutro Perfect Portion Grain Free Pate, which comes in several flavors. It’s very soft, which is good for my cat, who only has a few teeth left (but is otherwise surprising healthy for her age).

      1. Jane of all trades*

        Another vote for Dr Elseys!
        For wet food, if you’re in a situation where your cat isn’t eating enough, you could try baby food, specifically the pureed ham baby food that they sell in little glasses. When I used to foster this was one of the things we’d give to cats who weren’t eating.
        And for regular food, I have a cat who is extremely particular about what she eats (and her tastes change on a monthly basis), but bizarrely she has always loved Hill’s Science Diet’s “turkey & liver” and “chicken and liver” (it’s healthy-ish, but not the super healthy food I’d like her to eat). She also doesn’t always want to try her food, so sometimes it can be helpful to put just a little bit of wet food on her front paw, so she has to lick it off, and gets used to the flavor by doing that…

    10. Max from St. Mary's*

      My 20 year old girl has gotten fussier too.

      For food, it’s a combination–some regular wet cat food (what the other cats eat), though she has a new favorite, Farmers Market brand, she currently likes all of the flavors. I also give her people food, with the blessing of my vet, so chicken (she loves the canned stuff), tuna water, hamburger, and she loves little bits of steak; half and half to keep some weight on her.

      About six months ago she decided she was tired of the litter box, so I use puppy pads. They’re more expensive but honestly easier for me, plus I can easily see if she’s having any issues on that end.

    11. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, try whatever. Different flavors, textures, brands. My 19 yo spent her life eating Fancy Feast savory salmon pate. At least until 2 years ago, when she rejected savory salmon, then last year rejected Fancy Feast entirely. I got 2 of everything from about 3 brands, saved labels of what she ate, got more a couple more of those, saved labels of what she ate, etc. She’s now hinting that she’s going to demand a change again, but so far is content. If I need to, I’ll repeat the process. When you get to be that old, you can eat whatever you want and who cares if it’s junk food. (Mine’s currently happy with Purina Pro Plan and Neutro.)

      Re litter – don’t do pine, there are toxicity concerns. Otherwise, just try different things. However, be aware that it may be the box rather than the litter. If yours is having trouble getting in/out of the box, it can look the same as rejecting litter. May try a different shape/size box first before you switch litters.

    12. AnotherJill*

      We tried virtually every type of cat food and found that our 18 year old would only eat Fancy Feast with gravy. It was amusing to see the look she would give us when we tried something out.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Oh man, I *know* that look! I only do one can a day (1/2 in the morning, 1/2 in the evening) and at least try to supplement with some healthier dry food.

    13. Zona the Great*

      Old cats actually need less protein and even off the shelf stuff may have too much for his kidneys. I would ask the vet for a wet food with less protein! My 23 year old died of kidney failure. While still a great feat, I wish I fed her better. She’s my best friend even across the rainbow. My current cat eats only raw food. Rad Cat. Great product.

      1. nonprofit director*

        Another fan of Rad Cat, which our two cats eat. Prior to these two, we lost a lot of cats to kidney failure, which I now know may have been related to what we fed them. I wish we’d fed them better. Our two current cats, however, are going strong on raw food.

    14. Roja*

      Our vet recommended 4Health, Tractor Supply’s home brand. We’ve been really happy. It’s good quality ingredients and is not expensive (~$25 for a 20ish lb bag). Our cats love it, and best of all they keep coming out with new flavors so I can always try something new. They’ve got a whole line of canned food too if your kitty prefers that. I’ve also been happy with the Fresh Step litter. It doesn’t dust as much and is good with odor.

    15. Cruciatus*

      A few weeks ago my 18-year-old cat stopped eating her canned Friskies. I thought maybe she was telling us it was time even though I had just run her to the vet days before for an unrelated thing and all tests came back as pretty good (for 18). I noticed that she still was interested in treats and we had purchased a roasted chicken she was all about and I figured if she was trying to die she wouldn’t eat anything at all so maybe she still did want to eat. I had the thought to heat up her Friskies and…lo and behold it worked. Not super hot, but the smidgen she gets per meal I put in the microwave for about 7 seconds at 10% power and it’s enough for her. I don’t know if the heat helps her smell it better, or if the cold straight-from-the-fridge food hurt her teeth (the few she has left) but I just know it worked for us!

      1. Windchime*

        Yeah, I had a 19 year old toothless cat and he ate much better if I warmed up his canned food before giving it to him. I think it was just a little stinkier, which appealed to him.

        I still think of him whenever I bring home a roasted chicken from Costco. He was old and stiff and skinny, but he would come running for a piece of that warm roasted chicken.

    16. Earthwalker*

      We get a corn-based litter called Abound. Light weight, effective, and it has a fresh corn smell. If you’re near Fred Meyers, they carry it.

    17. Belle di Vedremo*

      Oh, thanks for asking & for all the replies. My 20 year old (tortie) cat is asking me to change things up & this gives me some ideas. Id love for her to have another few good years. She’s been eating Weruva wet food, mostly pouches but the occasional can. She’s liking lamb, buffalo & beef more than poultry. She still loves tuna, likes trout but not salmon. Kibble she tires of after a year or two, and asks for a new one. And she does seem to prefer stinkier food as her nose ages.

    18. Zennish*

      This may be too late after the post, but having once had an aging kitty… A vet told me cats judge what is edible mostly by scent, and often their sense of smell diminishes when they get old. I started buying whatever cat food seemed strongly scented (especially sardine and shrimp flavors) and it really helped.

      Also with litter… if you’re asking because kitty has suddenly stopped using the box, they will sometimes do this if they’ve had a recent illness or infection that caused them discomfort while using the bathroom… they associate the box with the discomfort. I encountered this once and solved it by getting a fresh litterbox, filling it with plain, unscented clay litter, and placing it in a new area, but YMMV of course.

  3. Loves Libraries*

    Volunteering question. I’m a member of local chapter of an international civic club that specializes in serving children in many ways. Yesterday our group partnered with other local groups for a bike safety event. I let our contact know that I could volunteer if they still needed additional volunteers. I was told to come. I get there and there are way more volunteers than needed. I really enjoy volunteering but I don’t enjoy standing around. Does this happen to others? This has happened before with this group. How should I phrase future replies for volunteers without getting folks upset. I have an event that I help run but it seems that my event has a realistic buy of helpers. Any feedback would help. Thanks.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Your contact works/volunteers with the org, right? If so, bring it up with them and see if they have any suggestions.

    2. bluelyon*

      This sounds…. pretty typical of a lot of volunteering experiences. Most places I’ve volunteered tend to over “staff” because people bail at the last minute, flake unexpectedy or turnout is high.
      Lots of people treat volunteer commitments as optional and that means orgs need to prepare for shortages

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, when I ran volunteer orientations (which is admittedly a different type of thing) attendance hovered around 60%, but could fluctuate anywhere between 15% and 95%. It’s possible that they had an unusually low flake level for that event, but it could also just be disorganization. I would say that some good signs that a volunteer event is well run would be clear instructions on how to sign up, confirmation that you should come soon after signing up, instructions on your role sent ahead of time, and a confirmation email the day before reiterating all that information. (Not that it can’t be a great event if these things aren’t present, but organizing volunteers is actually a lot of work and people who do that well tend to be good and frequent communicators.)

        2. Anna Held*

          It’s a problem, but then overstaffing just becomes a habit. Volunteer managers also want to include everyone who’s interested so they’ll stay involved, but then this sort of thing happens. I’d definitely drop a note if you feel like it — volunteers tend to just vanish, so it’s helpful if you tell them why so they can course correct.

          1. Loves Libraries*

            Thanks. I talked to a friend today who was also there. He had similar sentiments. I’m also keeping this in mind when I’m scheduling an event for later this summer.

    3. Hobgoblin*

      My volunteer org uses an online sign-up for events. Volunteers can see who they’ll be working with (and be more likely to show if friends will be there) and can easily remove themselves from the list. An automated email goes out asking for someone to fill that spot. It’s worked pretty well for us and has helped us avoid no shows and overstaffing.

    4. cleo*

      That’s pretty typical of my experience with volunteering for one-time events, but not for recurring volunteer gigs. Which is why I don’t usually volunteer for events.

  4. Sunflower*

    This is a petty question, but does anyone have suggestions handling buying clothes?

    I don’t like buying clothes and am not into fashion. I’ve tried investing in nicer clothes, assuming they will last, and been disappointed at the quality. It’s been a variety of stores too. I feel like all the clothes I’ve bought have been a crapshoot for quality. I have some cheap clothes that have lasted forever. A lot of my older stuff has started to disintegrate. Should I try and research online? Just give myself an amount of money a few times a year and force myself to buy things? Just buy cheap stuff because the expensive things haven’t been better?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Have you tried something like Stitch Fix where they send you stuff and you can decide if you like it or not?

      1. cyan*

        +1 for Stitch Fix. I hate shopping for clothes because of sizing weirdness, but somehow they’ve been sending me at least one item per box that I actually like. I’ve been getting some good quality stuff BUT I’m also allowing myself a bigger budget (e.g. $100-150 for a dress) to not get bad quality anymore.

    2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse*

      There are companies that actually send you clothes and does that shopping. Online personal stylists.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Agreed. I was going to suggest a face-to-face personal stylist appointment (not sure what it’s like elsewhere but here in the UK most of the big department stores offer them, plus sometimes shopping centres will have a personal stylist who can pick from a range of shops), but given OP’s dislike of shopping I’m wondering if the online version you’ve suggested might work better.

        1. April Ludgate*

          Thank you – your comment inspired me to google free personal stylist services in nearby dept. stores and will definitely make use of them. I have a hectic schedule for the next few months, love to dress nice, but cannot scrape the time together for a shopping trip. Def. recommend this to the OP.

      2. Mallory*

        Yep. I hate shopping. Between amazon for shoes and STitch fix and the occasional online bag of stuff from old navy, I avoid brick and mortar entirely.

        Stitch fix is too casual for a formal workplace but does well for business casual and weekend wear. I’m a size 12/14 and hard to fit (tall, curvy) and they do a great job. It’s not cheap but I wear the heck out of the pieces I get from them. You could also do this using a Nordstrom stylist or the like in person (I have 3 kids and work, so this is…not an option for me!).

        1. Mallory*

          One of the downsides to stitch fix (and pluses to Nordstrom) is that if you like something, you can’t just say “I’ll take one in every color, thanks!” They have a lot of their own brand and they only send one of each piece. At Nordstrom youncan just throw more into the pile.

    3. Mimmy*

      No real advice, just some commiseration. I’m not into fashion either — my wardrobe is probably considered very bland. I just don’t like a lot of the trendy designs and styles. Also, do you get overwhelmed at all the choices out there? That’s my problem–I just shut down and don’t get anything.

      1. fretnone*

        Preach.

        I feel kind of silly about this, but I’ve realized that I like clothes that have a shop inside a grocery chain because I love going to get groceries (clothes not so much), so I’m already there and once I’m there, there’s a limited number of choices all by the same label (so the sizing is predictable) and it’s so much easier to pick one of those limited options in the colours I like.

        It doesn’t make for a super exciting wardrobe but at least I will actually get something!

    4. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I feel the same way. Sometimes I go with recommendations from friends, especially if they have a similar body type or style to me (my preferred style is bookish and cheap).

    5. Arrnanon*

      Quality wise, I find I have to shop in person- it’s the only way I can examine fabric and construction closely enough to see if stuff is likely to hold up. But that takes experience, knowledge, and time, and you don’t sound like you’re particularly interested in investing any of that, which is very reasonable!

      Honestly, brand loyalty might be your friend here- if there’s a brand that regularly fits the way you want it to, fills most of your wardrobe needs, and has a quality/ price ratio you’re happy with, just shop there. No need to reinvent the wheel every time you need new clothes. And if you haven’t found a brand that suits yet, I bet folks might have some ideas if you can narrow down some parameters of what your ideal is.

      1. Sunflower*

        I think this is part of my problem. I have no idea how to examin clothes for quality to see if they will hold up. I think that is how my clothes buying experience has been a crapshoot

        1. only acting normal*

          Buy or borrow a book on high end tailoring – not to DIY but to learn what things about construction and finish indicate quality.
          Look inside clothes at seam finish, linings, etc.
          Look closely at the things you have which have lasted.
          Go to a store of the kind of clothes you are after, but out of your price range, and just look at the construction.
          Sadly even spending a lot won’t guarantee quality, and decent quality can come at a reasonable price, but spotting the difference takes a little learning.

          Also, how you care for things can extend or shorten their lifespan – I *hate* what tumble dryers do to clothes, though I appreciate their convenience/necessity for some.

          1. epi*

            These are all great.

            One other tip that has helped me, especially for shopping online, is to look at the models. Look closely, beyond the fact that they are obviously beautiful. Is the garment actually that flattering on them? Are they standing strangely, pulling on the garment, or photographed in a group of natural enough looking positions that still never give you a great sense of how the garment is in person?

            There’s a good chance there are fit issues or even quality control issues that affected the fit. I’ve never skipped something for this reason, then saw it later in the store and changed my mind.

        2. Treecat*

          The seams are the quickest way to tell if a garment is well-made (seams are one of the first things manufacturers skimp on to save money). Look at the stitching on the seams–it is even? Is it tight? Are the stitches small and neat or loose and messy? How does the cut end of the fabric look? Buttonholes are another big area where manufacturers skimp. Look closely at the stitching around the buttonholes. If it’s already coming loose on a brand new piece of clothing, forget it.

    6. Triplestep*

      Try your local thrift store (we have Savers in my area). Consider anything that looks like it might fit and give it a shot. If you buy it and then it doesn’t work out, you won’t have invested that much money. After you get used to paying a bit more attention to clothing, you might learn some better quality brands to look for. (This how it worked for me).

      Do not use Thred Up without first reading the thousands of negative reviews from consignors, and some buyers as well. These days, there’s a high likelihood buyers are benefiting from a consignor’s bad experience, so just something to consider.

      I personally have found that items that come from Stitch Fix and the like are way overpriced for what they are, but I know people who have had good experiences. (I don’t mind paying for quality, but I won’t pay upwards of $80 for a polyester long sleeved T-shirt, and I seem to get a lot of that kind of thing in my shipments.)

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      This might be a bit of a random thought, but how would you feel about going to a dressmaker and having a few pieces of clothing made for you? It will be a bit more money than shopping in a ‘normal’ place, but as they’ll be handmade chances are the quality will be better (I’d suggest getting recommendations from people you know or asking local community groups on social media maybe). You could potentially take stuff you already have and like to any appointments and say ‘I’d like something like this but in a different colour/with a different neckline etc’ as well so they get an idea of the sort of things you’re after – a good dressmaker will sit down with you and talk you through what you want to make sure it’s right for you.

      1. Stained Glass Cannon*

        I second this recommendation. If you have the money to spare, a few good sets of tailored clothing will last much longer and look better on you than the awful use-and-throw stuff that seems to be in vogue these days.

        Also, I’d advise against buying online. The fit and quality is really hit-and-miss unless you’re already familiar with the brand and know for sure what you’re getting.

    8. gecko*

      Try the uniform/capsule style of buying clothes. I don’t quite subscribe to the strict capsule wardrobe thing, but I have a closet of like 9 dresses, I have a silver set & a bronzey set of jewelry, a color belt, a black belt, and a brown belt, and gray tights. It’s a limited set of things to wear; I buy my dresses either from Mata Traders (since I know my size on there) or eShakti (since I can send in measurements). I have identical ballet flats from Target, one in brown and one in black, that I just re-buy when they wear out.

      My advice is to put in some effort up front and just pick a couple brands to be loyal to, with a list of some basics you can refresh from anywhere.

      What clothes in your wardrobe have lasted the longest and fit the best and been most comfortable? Try buying more stuff from them and see where that takes you, maybe.

    9. fposte*

      This is super-variable, so I’m just going to give you my anecdotal experience. I live in a small town and I’m petite (as in short, not tiny), so for me buying in brick and mortar stores is pretty much a waste of time absent, like, t-shirts. I’ve therefore been buying online for years and doing a lot of tailoring. I’m also advanced enough in my career, salary-wise to spend more per item without crying.

      Retail clothing is a constant pressure for price-point; last year’s perfectly solid cotton shirt from Gap Republic Navy is this year’s skimpy blend with crooked seams, all under the same name; somewhere in the supply chain it got too expensive to make the previous shirt at the same price, so they downgraded the quality to keep the price range. So quality is always a moving target. Even in fairly staid brands like Lands’ End and L. L. Bean you can see item reviews changing when a longstanding item gets changed in quality.

      I shop online, but I return most of what I order. Ordering is trying on, not buying. Shipping is the entry ticket to getting items I really like, and I’m prepared to pay that. And when I decide to buy something, if it needs tailoring, it goes into the car ASAP with tags still on to go to the tailor. I will also, if I’m not sure if a tailor can make it the dress or whatever I want, take it over to have them weigh in, and the dress gets returned if they can’t do what I want (usually the issue is shortening the bodice–that can get super-complicated, even when you think it would just be shortening straps). I’m picky about fabrics; I stick to natural fibers or at least predominantly so, and I don’t bother with linen because it’s too high maintenance. These days I do a lot more knits, so there’s little to no ironing.

      While I can’t say that I take brilliant care of my clothes, I wash all of them in cold, and they either dry flat or spend 5-10 minutes in the dryer before being hung to dry. That includes wool and cashmere sweaters. Wool weaves with linings (think something like lined jackets and trousers, which is where quality really matters) go to the dry cleaners.

      I’m appending in followup a really interesting YouTube video about assessing the quality of your clothes.

      2. Ann O.*

        This may seem like a silly question, but it’s one I’ve been struggling with. How do you create a space to dry your clothes flat and how do you create a space to hang dry?

        I have some items that are supposed to hang dry, and it’s a huge pain because I can’t find a good place where they don’t drip all over. In an older place, I had a line outside so I could at least hang things, but I found that drying in the sun made everything really stiff (not to mention, the eventual color bleaching).

        1. fposte*

          I have fortunate to have a house with a basement. I use a three-tiered rack I got at IKEA for flat drying (theoretically it folds up but I never fold it up) and I have an overhead hanging rack for hang drying over the utility sink. I don’t think there’s any dripping, though; there might be if I handwashed, but I gave that up years ago, and everything gets a few minutes in the dryer first.

        2. Thursday Next*

          It shouldn’t be dripping when you pull it out of the washer. Sometimes I hand wash, and since I can’t wring out the water the way a washer can, I put an old towel under my drying rack (which is set up in my bedroom).

          I tend not to wash more than one lie flat item at a time, which can go on the top of the rack. But if I do more, I put a couple of towels on the dining table and lay them out there.

        3. DouDouPaille*

          I just strung up a laundry line in my shower and hang my wet clothes there to dry. I realize this may not work for every house or bathroom, but it’s at least something to consider.

        4. Ann O.*

          Thanks all. Drying rack in the bathtub seems like the best option of my available ones.

          1. Blue_eyes*

            We put a folding drying rack in our living room (or the bedroom if we have guests over). We have a combo washer/dryer (as in, it’s one machine that does both functions), and the dryer feature doesn’t work very well, so we air dry everything. The washer wrings everything out enough that nothing is dripping when it comes out. Things like button down shirts or nicer blouses go on hangers and get hung on the shower curtain rod.

    10. Safetykats*

      I really like CAbI. The quality is good, the price is reasonable for the quality, and you do get to try on before you buy. If you don’t like the party format it’s usually not hard to find a stylist who will work with you one-on-one. (I didn’t like the party format at first, but now that I know a lot of the women at the parties I attend it’s actually a lot of fun.)

      I don’t know if Stitch Fix has different price points, but I have a couple of friends doing Stitch Fix and I’ve not been impressed with the things they have from them. They mostly look like the level of quality you’d find at Kohl’s or Ross. Of course, that could be related to their choices, not the service as a whole.

      2. cyan*

        There are definitely different price points, and they also have a luxury option as well to get higher end things. My price point tends to get me Nordstrom level offerings thankfully…

    11. catsaway*

      Gender/age and what are you trying to buy for? Brands like Patagonia, L.L Bean and Lands End are known for lasting a long time. I really like Levi’s for women’s jeans – they have a lot of different cuts and are still 95%/98% cotton. Eddie Bauer has reasonably priced women’s button ups that are work appropriate (no just flannel and moisture wicking hiking shirts!) I have coats from L.L. Bean and Patagonia that I really like. On the high end side, I’ve found a couple of Hugo Boss pieces deeply discounted at Nordstroms Rack (Nordstroms rack does actually have items from Nordstroms, not just outlet brands), so if you need a statement work piece or two hunting the clearance racks at your local Nordstrom’s Rack might be a good way to pick up a high quality blazer or pair of pants. FWIW, I have a Hugo Boss blazer and dress and they are both obviously well made and look good.
      Recognize that items that are closer to your body like bras and shirts just can’t last as long as sweaters and coats. Also, a white button up just won’t last like a green plaid button up since sweat stains will be more noticeable more quickly. If you have a job where you need to have a white button up (or similarly fragile item) just accept that it won’t last long.
      If you’re trying to get wardrobe staples focus on items that are less variable to the whims of fashion, such as coats, sweaters, straight leg jeans/slacks, dress work shoes and solid button up shirts. In contrast, things like ankle pants, blouses and other tops and fun dress shoes tend to change more.

    12. Cedar sage*

      I am very big into clotges (I design and sew a lot of what I wear) and your observation that price doesn’t necessarily mean good materials or construction matches my assessment, too. I have two recommendations. First, it seems like Talbots actually has good stuff, as far as wovens go (don’t know about knits). Second, try a high-end consignment store. Since they only sell second-hand clothes in good condition, time will have weeded out most of the stuff that was going to fall apart right away.

    13. Hobgoblin*

      I just settle on brands I like. Banana Republic outlet, Ann Taylor outlet, Eileen Fisher, stuff like that. I know exactly what size works and I don’t have to try stuff on.

      I recently read a post somewhere about a woman who wears a “uniform”- like a personal style uniform and it really appealed to me. If I had to describe my style uniform, it would be dark pants (jeans if I’m not at work), dark shirts with quirky prints, flats, and fun jewelry. So…that’s what I buy. Not the beautiful pink midi skirt or the glittery heels that are so glam, because I’ll never wear it. Like Popeye, I am who I am. My advice is to figure out what you like to wear and what you do wear and go from there.

    14. WS*

      If you buy clothes slightly too big in quality (natural) fabrics, you can then have them tailored to fit pretty cheaply. I have linen pants and silk and cotton shirts I’ve been wearing regularly for over a decade and I’m pretty hard on my clothes.

    15. Jo*

      I also hate shopping and have no idea how to put together an outfit. One idea I got from a friend was to concentrate on dresses. One piece of clothing as opposed to 2 or more, and you’re done. It’s also much easier to get dressed in the morning since you don’t have to worry about matching a top and a bottom. And for some reason, I find my dresses tend to last longer than pants and shirts – maybe because I’m willing to spend more on a dress generally, since it replaces 2 items of clothing?

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Dresses definitely make things easier.

        If you are interested in working on putting together outfits, I highly recommend the website The Vivienne Files (not linking so this won’t go to moderation). In particular, look for her series called “Whatevers Clean 13” where she explains how to make a small wardrobe where everything goes together. The core of a lot of her work is picking a limited palette of colors for your clothes, so that everything you own goes together. Usually you pick 1-2 neutral colors, and then 2 (or more) accent colors that all go together. For instance, I chose black and gray as my neutrals, and my accent colors are purple, teal, and mint green.

        1. Epiphyta*

          Janice is the best! I’m working through the French 5-Piece/Common Wardrobe in navy and gray, with plum, smoky blue and pearl gray as my accents: I work from home, and my personal style is barely a step above “got in a fight with the laundry basket and lost”, so I’m grateful for the suggestions.

    16. Middle School Teacher*

      I just ordered some dresses from eShakti for the first time. I’m a bit hard to fit (short, shorter torso, curvy) and I liked that I could put in my exact measurements. I actually experimented and got one dress in a straight medium, and one with my measurements, and they both fit really well. I can’t comment on quality yet (they just arrived Friday), but I think some other people here have ordered from them? And I know they do tops and some pants too.

    17. MissDissplaced*

      I’m a shopper, and rather difficult to fit, so the StitchFix things don’t work for me. What works is to find 2-3 stores that DO work snd also have online orders!
      Better quality: LandsEnd, Banana Republic, Talbots, BetaBrand, Nordstrom, Macys. I also like Soft Surroundings for flowy things.

      I think you might have to investigate what your style/fit is manually at first, but then you can shop online and save yourself the trip.

      I also shop on Ebay and get some great scores on silk blouses and tops. Some are even still with tags.

      1. MissDissplaced*

        Oh! And I forgot, if you have no idea how to make an “outfit,” watch the show What Not To Wear or visit this blog called YouLookFab for put together outfits.

    18. MegKnits*

      Totally late, but just in case you’re still checking. How are you washing/drying your clothes? My dryer will pretty much destroy anything within 6-10 months if I’m washing it every other week. The only things that go in it anymore are socks, pajamas and underwear pretty much.
      I have a smaller washer, so I usually do 1-2 loads of clothes laundry a week. Pants, shirts, workout gear all gets hung up after the wash. If you have a good spin cycle (and low humidity) it doesn’t take more than a day to dry. I know its a pain (I live in a 2bdrm, 1 bath condo with another human) but my clothes usually last two years.

  5. Kate Daniels*

    What is your favorite place in the United States and is there a particular season/time of year you would recommend going? I want to set up a writing/relaxing/reading retreat for myself somewhere for a week sometime in the upcoming year. Unfortunately, I probably don’t have it in the budget to travel internationally.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I find Arizona relaxing scenery-wise, personally. I’ve only been there in spring, but if you don’t like heat then it seems like going in summer would probably be a bad idea.

      1. Mimmy*

        I second Arizona! I went with my mom and sisters to Scottsdale a few years ago and the scenery just took my breath away. It was in late October and very comfortable. Yes it was in the 90s, but it was not humid.

        1. Kj*

          Thirded! Northern AZ is lovely in the fall, as is Tucson. Phoenix is not the most pleasant of places, I’d recommend flying in there and driving north or south. I went to college in a town in Northern AZ and loved it. Montizuma’s well is really cool and near Sedona. Prescott is cute and quirky.

    2. nep*

      This sounds like a great approach. Every region/city has got some hidden treasures. And I guess everyone’s different in what is conducive to relaxing, writing, reading. I’ll be interested to read responses here.
      Do you like woods/rural? mountains and sea?

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Maybe mountains or the sea? Bodies of water always calm me down and make me happy.

        1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

          LOL. We’re opposites, then–I find deserts relaxing. Maybe try looking in New England–there are some small resort towns on lakes that you might like. The only area I have personal experience with is the area around Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire, but I’m sure there must be others. Maine also has some nice places near the ocean, although those were just day trips when I was a kid, so I don’t remember them that well.

          1. Kate Daniels*

            I was thinking Maine because I went there frequently when I was a kid with my family during the summer and have many happy memories of those trips, but I might be sad going back on my own without my family.

            2. Falafal*

              My favorite spot is Acadia National Park in the “Down East” section of Maine. Oceans and mountains– simply glorious scenery. Go anytime but summer and it will be very relaxing.

        2. nep*

          I’ve been only once, but it felt so right and good. Cannon Beach area, Oregon. I reckon so many areas along that west coast beautiful for mountains and sea.

        3. Chameleon*

          Mountains+Ocean=Pacific Northwest. Right now it’s Junuary so it’s cold and rainy, but in three weeks or so it will be glorious.

        4. King Friday XIII*

          While we’re recommending the PNW, I suggest you consider the Columbia Gorge in the fall.

          Also I’ve heard people talk about a travelling retreat where they pick a nice scenic Amtrak route since you can set up with a laptop and a window view and type away. I’m not sure if you’re the kind of traveler that would work for but going up the west coast and then spending a couple days on a PNW beach sounds gorgeous to me.

          1. Cedrus Libani*

            I do the Amtrak thing. Lovely introvert vacation, I don’t have anything to do or anywhere to be, I can just sit and watch the ever-changing scenery while I either read (if truly on vacation) or have a good think. If you do that, it’s more than worth getting your own personal cabin – you can properly lie down and sleep at night, and during the day, you have your own little bubble.

        5. Woodswoman*

          Here’s another recommendation for the Pacific Northwest for mountains and water. The Oregon coast is lovely. And if you’re looking for something inland with mountains and lakes, the North Cascades area in Washington is beautiful. I would avoid the summer which is tourist season.

          My personal favorite time of year in the Pacific Northwest is September when the weather is mild and the days are still relatively long without the hordes of summertime. (I’m taking a three-week road trip on this route myself in September, psyched for that.) At lower elevations, October is also nice.

        6. Starley*

          Nthing the PNW. If you are planning to be indoorsy and don’t mind if it’s drizzling, the Olympic peninsula is very nice. If you go during the shoulder seasons, you can do it pretty inexpensively.

          1. Epiphyta*

            I live near the Peninsula; Port Townsend takes a bit of getting to and is crowded in the summer/during the film festival, but I love it. From Port Angeles you can take the Coho ferry to Victoria, BC, tour the Parliament buildings and the Butchart Gardens.

        7. Roja*

          Try upstate NY around the Adirondacks in the fall? Also the Finger Lakes region, which is different (no mountains, but beautiful lakes and deep river gorges). There’s a lot of cabins for rent and such and is well set up for retreat-type things.

        8. IntoTheSarchasm*

          Something quite different – Mackinac Island in Michigan. Arrive by Ferry, no cars allowed on the island, only horse-drawn carriage or bike. Close to the upper peninsula which is beautiful and woodsy. You can see the Mackinac bridge and the locks at Sault Ste. Marie are fifty miles away, as well as a border crossing into Ontario if you like. The main street of the island is a little touristy but there are lovely B&B’s and hotels, including the Grand Hotel which has a 100 foot porch and a wonderful high tea. Lots of revolutionary war history, forts and great lakes history and memorabilia.

          1. Erin*

            If it rains where knee high rain boots! They don’t pick up after the horses as good as they should.

    3. Mimmy*

      What about the Adirondacks in Upstate New York? I think we went a few years ago in September, and the weather was perfect. (From there, we went to Niagara Falls, which was heaven on earth.)

      2. Muriel Heslop*

        I was going to suggest the Finger Lakes in the summer/ early fall but the Adirondacks are great, too!

    4. nep*

      I will say the most at ease I’ve ever been as far as lodging was at an inn that used to be apartments in the lovely town of Kingston, New York. Near Saugerties. Just charmed the socks off of me, and I would go back to this area just to stay at that inn again.

        1. nep*

          The Rondout Inn. Variety of suites to choose from. One of them is a former antique shop.
          Immaculate. Felt like home the second I walked in. I wanted to live there. Owners were just beyond lovely. (Clove & Creek a lovely shop right next door.) Walk along the water right up the street. I want to go back!

      2. owlie*

        Haven’t been to Kingston but Skaneateles and Cazenovia in upstate NY are charming in what might be similar ways!

    5. CatCat*

      I love coastal California and Half Moon Bay and a teeny town about 20-30 mins south of it called Pescadero. If I were looking for a relaxing retreat, a bed and breakfast in one of those places would be my choice. Summer is definitely the high season, but if you can do nights other than Friday or Saturday and avoid holiday weekends, they’re much les crowded. Lots of beaches nearby to relax on. Pescadero is also near a nice forested state park.

      Winter on the coast can also be really nice (though whether it will be overcast or sunny is uncertain, I actually like both) and less crowded, especially January.

      1. Woodswoman*

        Agreed, the Pescadero area is a great option. Winter storms here can be dramatic and like CatCat, I like that. If you go at a time when the weather is milder and time it with low tide, a number of state parks have amazing tidepools with cool animals to check out. Inland from Pescadero are parks with redwood forests where you won’t have much company on weekdays. The one thing to note about this area is that it’s really expensive, so it depends on your budget.

    6. Sylvan*

      The Outer Banks off the coast of North Carolina. Late spring or early fall when the weather is cool.

      2. PhyllisB*

        I don’t know where you live, but the Smoky Mountains is a great place to relax. Cade’s Cove is beautiful if you like hiking and spotting wildlife. We’ve seen bears, foxes, eagles,ect. Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge are getting too touristy and commercial, but Townsend is great; especially if you don’t go during the height of tourist season. It’s quite, got good restaurants, friendly people, and if you like tubing or canoeing that’s the place to be. My husband and I went there in January, and it was kind of empty; and some of the restaurants were closed for the season, but that didn’t bother us; the ones that were open had great food, friendly service, and they appreciated us being there. Besides, Pigeon Forge was a short drive away if we wanted something different.

    7. Ella*

      I love New Orleans in the spring. It’s not terribly hot yet and the flowers bloom like you wouldn’t believe. The air smells like growing things. There’s good iced coffee. As long as you’re not there during a caterpillar year, it’s lovely.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        … A caterpillar year? I am having visions of the cicada year when I lived in the mid-Atlantic… *shudder*

    8. Rogue*

      Glacier National Park has been my favorite so far. It’s really a fairytale setting. Absolutely breathtaking! As for when to go? You need to go when Going to the Sun Road is open, but that means there’s going to be a significant number of people also. We went in August. It wasn’t terribly packed, like Yellowstone (also a great place), but still busy.

    9. Arrnanon*

      I’m a cabin in the woods type of person, ideally with some sort of mountains and hiking, whatever time of year that particular region happens to tend to be about 65-75 degrees during the day so it’s not too hot to hike but also not particularly chilly. For a retreat I’d think about choosing a destination you can get to with the most relaxing travel mode, whatever that mode is for you. Pretty much every area of the US has some sort of lovely retreat area, I’ve found a fit for me from Maine to Seattle to Arkansas

    10. CBE*

      If you like mountains, you can often get ski lodging cheaply in the summer. Even cheaper in spring and fall! And they tend to be quiet and beautiful, too.

    11. Loopy*

      I have to admit this is specific and fairly tiny place but it’s my favorite place ever: block island off the coast of Rhode Island. It’s 40% conservation land and the houses there are very picturesque, lots of greenery in the form of rolling hills and various woodland holing areas and plenty of ocean views. I like late late spring or right after labor day to avoid mopeds and tourists. It’s my happy place.

    12. Annie Moose*

      Come to Michigan! We have some lovely very large bodies of water, but it’s generally cheaper and less crowded than a lot of the East or West Coasts. Summer or early fall is the best time of year; it’s when it’s busiest as well, but busy for Michigan is basically empty for Rhode Island, Massachusetts, etc. Michigan never gets all that warm–it can hit the 90s, but usually stays in the 70s and 80s. Northern Michigan in particular is absolutely beautiful–the Traverse City area and the Sleeping Bear Dunes is pretty much my favorite place on Earth. (it’s also a little cooler, more likely to be in the 70s than 80s)

      If you don’t want to go quite that far north in Michigan, Grand Haven and Muskegon are pretty nice, and if you want to go to the east side of the state, the Tawas area is a good choice. (although Lake Michigan beaches–on Michigan’s west coast–are nicer than Lake Huron ones)

      If you REALLY want to roadtrip, then there’s also the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, which is just gorgeous pretty much no matter where you go.

        1. MTUMoose*

          The UP in winter is awesome as well. Just have to be able to handle snow and cold. Nothing like the Northern lights on a quiet still night.

      2. selenejmr*

        And Mackinac Island! Breezes off of the straits to keep you cool, bats keeping the bug population down. It’s wonderful there.

        1. Annie Moose*

          I’ve gone to Mackinac Island almost every summer since I was born (three times, one memorable summer…), and I still have never gotten bored of it. I could literally just go there, sit on the lawn below the fort, peoplewatch while eating fudge, and I would be perfectly content.

          It’s heaven!

      5. IntoTheSarchasm*

        I wrote an earlier post regarding Mackinac and agree with these suggestions as well. I live on the west coast of Michigan, between Muskegon and Traverse City but the whole coast has something to offer. Sleeping Bear is amazing.

      6. Erin*

        Boyne city and Lake charlevoix are gorgeous. The north west corner of the mitten from grand traverse bay to little traverse bay on the Lake Michigan coast is like a combination of wooded hill country and beach towns in the summer. Winters are tough if you don’t like hunting snowmobiles or skiing.

      7. Miss Elaine e*

        As a lifelong Michiganian with ties to both the Upper and Lower Peninsulas, I am unreasonably excited to read so many great comments about my home state. Mackinac Island is my favorite place on earth and the rest of our state ain’t bad either!

    13. Perfectly Particular*

      Charleston, SC is a favorite of mine. I’ve only been in the summer, so I can’t speak to the best season.

    14. MTUMoose*

      Try the West Coast of Michigan. Anywhere from South Haven to Traverse City. Great beaches on Lake Michigan, beautiful places to hike or explore. Lots of history in the area. Plenty of B&Bs or hotels. Great food options and lots of local breweries and wineries. Easy to fly or drive to as well. Plus Lake Michigan is freash water so no sharks ;)

    15. Tara2*

      So, I live in Canada and haven’t seen much of the US. But, on a road trip from Ontario to Nova Scotia, my now-ex and I decided to forgo the boring Quebec-New Brunswick route and travel through Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine.

      And oh my god did I ever fall in love with New Hampshire. Particularly the White Mountain National Forest. It is just gorgeous. We went in the summer and it was lovely, but where we stayed near Conway it was clearly set up as a winter retreat, so I still plan on visiting it sometime during its peak season.

    16. gecko*

      Madison, WI in the summer is gorgeous. There’s people-activity if you want people-activity, but there are also beautiful lakes and nature everywhere.

      1. Trixie*

        I’m from Madison and it truly is a find. Not so big to have nightmare traffic and you can bike, hike, etc without driving two hours first. Very hard to find cities with such easy access that are also affordable.

    17. KR*

      I love all the new Hampshire suggestions here and I have to agree because I am from NH. Also, it’s pretty cheap to visit – no sales tax! You will need a car to get around so keep that in mind while budgeting. Boston Logan Airport is the nearest large airport. There’s a small one in Manchester NH but it will be more expensive to fly into.

    18. Mike C.*

      Pacific coast in winter. WA/OR. Incredibly inexpensive, few people around and amazing.

    19. danr*

      Maine, in the Boothbay area. There are small bed and breakfasts and small hotels for staying in. Good food in all price ranges and plenty of places to just sit, read and relax. If you need to shop, go to Freeport and stop in at LL Bean and the outlets there. Best time to go is late spring, late summer or early to mid September.

    20. Max from St. Mary's*

      I know you said that international is too pricey, but you might be surprised. There are some great all-inclusive Mexican resorts that are really affordable, especially in the off season, and you can usually get a package deal with airfare. Last month I spent 5 days in Cabo and the air plus hotel with food and drink was less than air and a cheap hotel in most US cities, plus I got the beach.

    21. Pie for Breakfast*

      I’ll jump on the PNW bandwagon, I moved here for the outdoors and beauty. And people.
      Central coast of Oregon is beautiful and just far enough away from Portland to not have as many tourists. There’s the coast and lakes and forests and rivers. Late summer and fall is a great time. I like going in winter but it’s a different experience.
      Also in Oregon, the Wallowa Mountain area in Northeast is really nice. The town of Joseph is a hub for sculptural arts, Wallowa lake is nearby with cabins and rentals. Tons of hiking.
      The San Juan Islands off of Washington are also quite nice and can be really quiet in the off season.

    22. Aurora Leigh*

      Bf and I went to Dinosaur Valley Sate Park in TX as part of our April vacation and it was so lovely! Green amd warm and the water was so clear and perfect for wading, we want to go back when we can spend more time! Also dinosaur tracks! We tent camped amd it was the most beautiful night sky.

    24. catsaway*

      Oregon coast! Depending on where you are you can rent a small studio/cabin for under $100 night and you can go in the height of summer and the high will be at most 75F. Look around Yachats. There are also pleanty of ‘resorts’ in the Oregon cascades where you can rent a cabin. There are some nice lakes and hot springs with resorts around them. That’s definitely a summer activity, snow can last a while there.

    25. Mallory*

      Depending on where you live, don’t rule out international. Boston to Ireland can be less than Boston to the west coast. And with air BNB you can get great lodging.

      If you’re in Atlanta or another major east coast hub you may have some great European options.

    26. Hobgoblin*

      For relaxing, I like the Outer Banks in the winter. I went in February once and it was so beautiful and peaceful.

    27. Lcsa99*

      Granted, we love wine, but my husband and I absolutely love going to the North Fork of Long Island. It’s got plenty of beach options that are not as expensive or crowded as the Hamptons, delicious wine, and beautiful wineries. It’s so rejuvenating to sit at the wineries sipping wine and a picnic or snack. A lot of the wineries offer live music when the weather is nice. It’s not for everyone, but we love it.

    28. cleo*

      For mountains – the Smoky Mountains! The National Park is beautiful year round, but especially during spring wildflower season. The nearby towns include charming Asheville and gloriously tacky Gatlinburg.

      For bodies of water – I agree with all of the Great Lakes recs and want to add Door County, WI which is lovely in the spring and fall. It’s a peninsula extending into Lake Michigan with multiple state parks and lots of options.

    29. Falling Diphthong*

      Generic recommendation for early fall, when school opens and vacation numbers go down.

      Recent trips where I would happily return, get an Airbnb for a week, and enjoy just being mostly at home in a pleasant spot. Mountains: Bend, Oregon. Sea: Outer Banks, North Carolina.

    30. Blue_eyes*

      Another PNW recommendation – Leavenworth, WA. Leavenworth is on the east side of the Cascade Mountains, about a 2 hour drive east from Seattle. From Leavenworth, there are lots of options: go up in the mountains for hiking, go white water rafting on the Wenatchee river, go further east for desert climate. Leavenworth itself is charming in that it’s decorated like a Bavarian village. And there are lots of options for lodging all the way from resorts/hotels right in town, to camping or renting a cabin outside town.

    31. Kuododi*

      I’m in Louisville, KY and Derby weekend plus all the activities the week leading up to the Derby….(Steamboat race, Pegasus Parade, Balloon Glow,…not to mention all the food.). KY Derby is always the first Saturday in May.

  6. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I saw Ocean’s 8 yesterday and it was fantastic! Anyone else seen it yet?

    1. caledonia*

      Looking forward to this when it comes out in the UK…I liked the Clooney version.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I liked the first one of the series with George Clooney etc, but not so much the sequels. Looking forward to Ocean’s 8 though! Although there are way too many films out that I want to see at the moment…

    2. PlantLady*

      Date Night was last night and we had to decide between Ocean’s 8 and Solo…we went with Solo, and then wished we hadn’t. But, there’s another Date Night next Friday, so we’ll see Ocean’s 8 then!

      1. LCL*

        Same thing happened with us. His turn to pick so it was Solo. My turn next week and it will be Ocean’s 8.

    3. Triumphant Fox*

      Yes! Loved it. We saw it on a whim Thursday night since it was a particularly hard day and it was the perfect thing to cheer us up! I loved the parallels with the first movie. All the eating!

    4. DoctorateStrange*

      I saw it last night. It was a delight. I think what stood out to me was how none of the women had to have dark, miserable backgrounds to do what they wanted to do. I never realized how most movies about women doing crimes are usually because they were abused in their pasts. This movie never punishes these women for being ambitious and pulling the things they do and I love it.

      Also, I always found Anne Hathaway at her best when she performs characters that are hot messes and/or snarky. It is interesting how people still get surprised to this day by just how well she does in these type of roles. She was great in Rachel Getting Married, let me tell you.

  7. DC Real Estate*

    Does anyone have recommendations for either lenders who are goodnwith FHA loans and the related processes in the DC area?
    And similarly if you loved your real estate agent for DC proper I’d love to have their name if you’re willing to share!

  8. Release the horcruxes*

    I signed up as a contributor to royal news site Royal Circular. Excited to start writing on one of my favorite topics!

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      How exciting! Getting to write about something you love is the best :) Will you be writing about any particular royals or topics? Also will you come up with/research the stories or will the site send them to you and then you write them up? (Sorry for all the questions but this sounds so interesting!)

      1. Release the horcuxes*

        Hi! I will research the articles on any topic I want, then it is submitted to review and published on the site. I want to write about the British and Scandinavian monarchies as well as little known facts/people that have been associated with royals. Should be fun!

          1. Release the horcuxes*

            Thanks! I submitted the first article yesterday and am awaiting feedback from the editor.

      1. Release the horcuxes*

        Because for thousands of years the fate of nations have been decided by royal politics, and the institution lives on today in many different forms.

  9. Violaine*

    Doing massive housecleaning this weekend in preparation for moving later this month. It’s hard to part with stuff, but that’s just it… it’s just stuff. Someday I will probably be beeildered that I ever spent more than a few minutes questioning why I needed seven mixing bowls.

    Picked up a book recently about the art of Swedish death cleaning, but haven’t gotten around to it just yet. Now would probably be a good time.

    1. Violaine*

      Annnd I thought I proofread my comment before posting. That should be “bewildered”.

    2. Kate Daniels*

      This is my project for the summer! I live in a small studio apartment, so I have a storage unit with all of my extra “stuff,” but I would really like to be able to clear it out and stop paying/wasting $25/mo. I have a lot of clothes I want to donate, but it is somewhat challenging to find a place to drop off items where I don’t need a car to get there and that are open at times when I am not at work. I have a bunch of suits I’d like to donate because I’m now working at a place that is not business formal, but some of the places around here require you to get them dry cleaned and put them on hangers before donating… it’s hard to justify spending a ton of money to donate something! I would love to be a minimalist type (at least after moving several times in the past five years, I’ve learned to no longer buy physical books!).

      1. Reba*

        In my area there are organizations that will pick up donations from your home… is that perhaps a possibility?

        Good luck with the cleanout!

        1. King Friday XIII*

          Yes! We used the pick up option when we were getting rid of everything in preparation for a cross-country move and it was a huge time saver.

      2. Woodswoman*

        Also, depending on where you live, Freecycle may be an option. It’s a listserv for giving away free stuff that has groups around the country. You can both post for things you’re giving away, or ask for things that you need. I’ve done both, and it’s worked out well.

    4. Chameleon*

      I had never heard of “Swedish death cleaning” and immediately pictured the members of Dethklok dressed up in aprons and feather dusters…

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m doing a massive purge this week -while I’m on vacation! I have been looking forward to it for months. My reward will be a trip to The Container Store and IKEA for thins to organize my remaking stuff. I’m also intrigued by that book. I have a couple of relatives that I wish would read it, but sending it to them might be just a tad rude. Good luck!

    6. fposte*

      I confess I liked the idea of Swedish death cleaning better than the book. But the struggle is definitely real.

      I think the big hump for me was realizing that having a need for something I’d gotten rid of was not as bad as keeping stuff around that I didn’t need; I’d operated by avoiding the first at all costs and realized that wasn’t getting me a good life. The other realization was that even if I kept only things that I liked and were in decent condition, I’d still have too much crap, so that wasn’t a useful dividing line. As long as you’re not rushed, moving is likely to be a really good way to trim down to stuff that matters most, so I hope it ends up being a good process for you.

      1. King Friday XIII*

        I’m reminded of another book, Decluttering at the Speed of Life, where the author has two key questions and one of them is “If I needed this, would I even know I owned it?” Sure I could keep these things I might need, but if I need those shoe stretchers in three years, will it occur to me I have some and will I be able to find them? If not… probably better to accrue the thrift karma of giving them away now, since I’ll probably be shopping for new ones if and when I need them anyway.

        1. fposte*

          For me a lot of the process has been about rewiring my loss and reward circuits, so I love your idea of “thrift karma.” I’ll look for that book.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Ha! I’d remember I’d owned it, but not necessarily if I’d got rid of it. Or if I still had it, where it was.

          Many times have I searched for that one thing, only to finally remember I tossed it years back.

          Minds, they are funny things.

    7. Anonymosity*

      Oh man, I really need to do this. If I have to move unexpectedly, packing will be a nightmare. So far I’ve managed to move some stuff out to the garage but not get rid of it completely. I think a sale is in order.

    8. Jaid*

      I had to deal with bed bugs earlier this year and still haven’t unpacked the majority of treated boxes. All the things I have and other than some cleaning supplies, batteries, and some painkillers, I just haven’t needed them…

  10. Bibliovore*

    Sick with asthma and bronchitis. Good news, better living through chemistry, 2 inhalers, a round of antibiotics, a round of steroids. Hulu and Netflix.

    Recommendations for binge watching between naps?
    I like the Jessica Jones, Timeless, Younger, Fosters, Bosch, Frankie and Grace, Elementary.

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      That sucks :( I hope you feel better soon.

      Have you watched any of the other Marvel shows on Netflix? That might be a good place to start if you like Jessica Jones. Otherwise I always like to watch comedies when I’m sick – usually something I’ve seen a lot like Friends or How I Met Your Mother. I find there’s something strangely comforting about it.

    2. Annie Moose*

      I just started The Good Place and love it, so of course I have to recommend it! It’s extremely funny, and episodes are only 20 minutes so it’s easy to watch.

    3. Ella*

      If you are interested in slightly lighter murder-fare, I liked Father Brown. I just finished the first season of Daredevil which of course is right up the Jessica Jones alley.

      Not sure if it’s still on Netflix but if you want something totally dark but also really good, Luther (with Idris Elba) was great. Broadchurch was probably the best crime serial I’ve seen for awhile but it’ll stick to you.

      My roommate really likes Doc Martin and Death in Paradise. They haven’t snagged me like they have him, but they’re in the “british episodic crime drama” family.

      Also Master Chef and the Great British Bake Off.

      1. WellRed*

        I really loved Broadchurch and yes, it sticks. Have you tried Marcella or Happy Valley?

      2. Bibliovore*

        I have been thinking about Broadchurch for a while. Doc Martin, I wanted to love but didn’t enough to watch more.

      3. Chaordic One*

        Interesting trivia: I can’t believe that it took me so long to figure this out and recognize him, but the actor who plays “Father Brown” is the same man who played the part of Ron Weasley’s father in the Harry Potter movies.

    4. Lily Evans*

      If you liked Jessica Jones, you might like Wynonna Earp on Netflix. It’s a tad campy, but enjoyable for a binge, plus season 2 was just added today!

    5. KatieKate*

      I’m sensing a theme of strong ladies who occasionally kick ass :) How about Nikita? I’m rewatching it right now on Netflix and it’s a ton of fun.

    7. Chameleon*

      If you like campy sci-fi, Dark Matter is pretty good. It starts off a little slow but is pretty light fare and entertaining. In a similar note, if you have Amazon Prime, we’ve been watching The Expanse and like it a lot.

      2. catsaway*

        The Expanse is awesome – I also really like the books.
        I liked Dark Matter at first but then I didn’t like where the story went. I couldn’t care enough to watch season 2.

    8. Detective Amy Santiago*

      One Day at a Time on Netflix is awesome.

      Also, Brooklyn Nine Nine on Hulu :)

    9. Woodswoman*

      If you like vintage, I’m a fan of the 1960s British series The Avengers with Patrick McNee and Diana Rigg. Great mix of wit and mystery. Hope you feel better soon!

      1. Bibliovore*

        hah- Timeless. just finished the last one. Was it renewed? Saddened by the loss of the Librarians.

    13. AnonEMoose*

      If you haven’t seen it, I’d definitely recommend “Stranger Things.” I watched Season 1 while recovering from gall bladder surgery, and it held my attention and took my mind off the pain. I liked Season 2 even better than I liked Season 1.

      In the British mystery category, I really like “Midsomer Murders.” Episodes are about 90 minutes, and there are a bunch of seasons, but they’re usually about 6 episodes per season.

  11. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

    I have an awkward situation I’d love some advice on. When I’m staying with my family, I get together fairly often with my good friend Sasha from childhood. Our families are friends with each other too, so sometimes at those gatherings, my friend’s grandmother is there. A couple times she’s said to me, in front of my friend and others, “I always told Sasha, I don’t know she could have a friend like you. You’re so [long list of compliments and perceived achievements].” This always makes me feel super awkward and I never know how to respond! I feel like the implication is that Sasha’s grandmother doesn’t think Sasha has these qualities, i.e. is comparing me favorably to her. She’s done that in the past with her own children. But obviously I think Sasha is amazing and I don’t want her to feel bad! Not to mention, it’s just a weird and unnecessary thing to say. Is there anything I can say in the moment to diffuse?

    1. UtOh!*

      Wow, what a crappy dynamic, some relatives can be so obtuse when it comes to their own.
      How about replying back how amazing you think Sasha is…lather, rinse, repeat? :)

    2. Sunny Day in the ADK*

      My mom can be like that. She actually did it once in front of my in-laws, one of the first times they met. My father-in-law was the best at handling it. My mom was calling me stupid and he just kept saying something like “Oh, I don’t find Sunny stupid at all! She’s actually very intelligent” He basically kept repeating that until my mom stopped.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      “Grandma, you have mentioned this before. I am thinking that like attracts like because Sasha is [long list of compliments here].”
      OR
      “Grandma, I must say *I* am the fortunate one to have such a good friend as your granddaughter.”
      OR
      “Grandma, I hang out with Sasha because she is where I want to be in life. I want to do things in the style and with the finesse that she does.”

    4. Anono-me*

      That does sound like you’re in a very uncomfortable position.

      Since it is your friend’s grandmother and not yours, I would probably keep it light but respond with something like, “Thank you, birds of a feather flock together. ” or “Thanks, like to like.” or something of that nature.

      Also, have you considered that this may be an awkward attempt at doing the ‘praise trade’? This is where someone praises you (or one of your’s) effusivly, then you in turn praise them ( or theirs’) effusivly. Even, if it’s not an awkward attempt at doing a ‘praise trade’; you could also respond by acting as if it were.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, it sounds like Sasha’s grandmother isn’t actually very nice. “Wow, that’s an unkind thing to say about your granddaughter” + start talking to someone else, bonus points if it’s Sasha. That’ll return awkward to sender and point out publicly how unkind it was to say, but be non-confrontational. and I feel bad for Sasha if that’s the treatment she gets from her grandmother!

    6. Thlayli*

      I’m wondering if there is a cultural difference there? I’ve had comments like that from elderly ladies in the family of a friend from a different culture. In some cultures complimenting others is expected and it is expected to put yourself and your family down and compliment others. It’s not to be taken literally that she doesn’t think Sasha is as good as you, it’s just how manners work in that culture. If you were from the same culture as her, you would probably reply, oh no I’m nothing special, Sasha is the wonderful one blah blah blah. Also remember culture can be different in different generations too.

      If there is no culture difference and she genuinely believes that Sasha isn’t good enough to have a friend like you, then that’s really weird.

      Why not ask Sasha How she feels about it and what she thinks her grandmothers intention is in repeatedly saying this?

    8. Mamaganoush*

      Thank you. I feel so lucky to have a friend like Sasha!

      You can say a version of that every time

  12. Eve*

    What are some professional shoe brands/links for someone with flat feet (need arch support)? It’s really hard to find good heels that actually fit and don’t cause knee pain, but don’t look like running shoes/sandals!

    2. Chameleon*

      I have the opposite problem (high arches) but I adore Merrills. They aren’t cheap, but totally worth it in my opinion. They aren’t super dressy in general, but the clogs/mary janes usually are perfectly professional.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I actually like Crocs. There are some really cute ones now that don’t look like the old clunky clogs. They’re pretty comfy. I wear orthotics most of the time now, but in the summer, I live in my Crocs flip-flops.

    5. Red Reader*

      I don’t know the fine points of arch support specifically, but I have weird feet in other ways (wide toes, narrow heels, one foot is a half size off from the other, just to start) and I’ve recently fallen in love with Rothys flats. They’re not cheap, but they look nice, they come in a million colors, they’re machine washable and suited to take insoles, and on Thursday I opened the delivery box containing a new pair, put them on and went straight out for a three mile walk – the things wear like sneakers. I’ve worn them around conferences, Disneyworld and everyday wear and never had any issues at all.

      (And if anyone does want to give them a try, I have a referral link for $20 off, though I’m not sure the etiquette of sharing such a link as it’s one of the “you get $20 off and so do I” variety, so only on request I suppose.)

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Oh I was just researching them this morning and would love to pick your brain – based on the research it seems to me that some people find that they get smelly easily, and that they can be high in the back, causing chafing. Has that been your experience?

        1. Red Reader*

          I could see them potentially getting smelly, but that’s where the machine washable comes in, I haven’t had any problems to date though. I think, if you were prone to foot stink, it’s be very easy to rinse them out overnight, they dry very quickly. The material they’re made of is fairly breathable, I find.

          As far as the chafing – again, no problems at all, either in regular everyday use or conference wear or taking a brand new pair out of the box and immediately walking three miles in them.

    6. Trixie*

      Lifestride (DSW, Amazon, etc.) offers decent selection at affordable prices and they last. After three years of solid wear, I’m just now replacing heal tips. “Active arch” design is my favorite and I wish I could find replacement inserts.

    7. Cristina in England*

      I have flat feet too and I love FitFlops (especially their boots, but anything on the original microwobbleboard) and Dansko. I also wear Brooks Adrenaline running shoes and Addiction walking shoes.

      1. Woodswoman*

        I second Brooks Addiction shoes, which were recommended to me by a podiatrist. While they’re not shoes with heels, they are professional looking for work if you’re wearing pants.

    8. AnotherJill*

      It really depends on your foot strike. Do you pronate (roll inward, so your shoe bottoms show more wear on the inside), supinate (roll outward, so your shoe bottoms show more wear on the outside), or have a neutral strike when your foot hits the ground?

      Most flat footers pronate, but a few of us supinate, which tends to throw all the models for shoe buying out the door. I have supremely flat feet but supinate, so most shoes with arch correction end up being very painful.

      If you can afford it, having an evaluation by a podiatrist who can potentially make orthotics fitted to your particular circumstance may help the most. Otherwise, figure out what your foot strike pattern is and do a search with those terms. I’ve found some reasonably well fitting walking shoes that way.

    11. Thursday Next*

      I’m always on the quest for flat foot friendly shoes. One word of advice given to me by my great podiatrist: don’t wear absolutely flat shoes; they’re not actually good for feet.

      I’ve had some luck with Sanita and Orthaheel, but the ones I’ve had don’t accommodate orthotics. At this point I’m pretty much living in running shoes.

  13. Annie Moose*

    I have a dumb situation that I’m pretty sure there isn’t a tactful solution to, so maybe this comment is just to rant (although if you have a way to resolve it without going down the feared “have an awkward conversation” route, let me know).

    So, I go over to my aunt’s house for dinner one day a week, most of the time. We go to the same church and my aunt and uncle are the closest family to me, and I’ve always been pretty close with them and their kids, so it’s nice to go over and have dinner with them before church. The problem is that my aunt has… shall we say… different opinions on gender roles and housework than I do. By which I mean that two of their sons who still live with them can literally be sitting in the kitchen next to her, and she will call out to me in the living room to help her set the table.

    On one hand: of course I don’t mind helping out! It’s free food, after all, and moving dishes from the counter to the table is not arduous labor.

    But it really, deeply bugs me that she will literally ask any woman in the house to help with dinner–up to and including guests she barely knows, I have witnessed this happen–before she will ask HER OWN CHILDREN to help her. Merely because the children in question are male. (of course if any of her daughters are present, they get asked to help) On principle, I want to be like, “why can’t your OWN CHILDREN do this instead of ME, WHO IS TECHNICALLY A GUEST.” But obviously I can’t just say this, and she would almost certainly interpret it as me not wanting to help her (which isn’t true–I wouldn’t mind if not for the sexism), not as a call to re-examine how she thinks about gender roles.

    I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll pretend I don’t hear her, go elsewhere in the house when she’s setting the table, act surprised when she asks me to help… but these are not going to address the underlying issue. I know the easiest method for familial harmony is to just keep my mouth shut and help her, but… I hate reinforcing the idea that it’s normal and acceptable to ask random women to help prepare a meal in favor of your own male children. And I especially hate reinforcing this idea in front of my cousins who are present, as they’re still teenagers.

    (and yeah–setting the table is a pretty minor thing as far as sexism goes. But it’s part of a deeper pattern with this aunt and uncle that I want no part of; it’s already caused a great deal of trouble for one of their daughters.)

    1. CatCat*

      If you’re trying to avoid the awkward conversation, why don’t you start recruiting one or both of the cousins to participate?”

      “Hey Bran, I’m going to grab the napkins and start setting them out. Could you grab the silverware?”

      “Hey Rickon, Could you put out glasses for everyone while I grab the silverware?”

      “Hey Bran and Rickon, Aunt needs the table set, could you lend me a hand that?”

      “Hey Bran and Rickon, Aunt asked for the table to be set. I just remembered I forgot to [make some important phone call, like cancel an appointment before a business closes], could you set the table so I can go deal with that?” Then leave the room and pretend to make a call. Doesn’t have to be a real call and you can be “on hold” for a while.

      2. Jane of all Trades*

        Agree with this suggestion! I’d do it cheerfully and be like “Jim, Bob, can you take the plates and the glasses while I take the pots, that way we’ll have the cleanup done in no time!”
        That said, I think if you get a lot of push back on this I’d probably let it go because you’re a guest, but I totally agree with you on the principle.
        Or maybe you could even try saying something like this after dinner “auntie, thanks for the lovely dinner, why don’t you stay while Jim, Bob and I take care of the dishes”

    2. matcha123*

      Can you say something like, “Sure, I can do X and Bob and Joe can do Y and Z” and see how she responds? Or, “How about getting Bob and Joe to help out so things go faster? Then when they’re away in college, they will be a step above their peers.”
      Or even, “I’m feeling a bit sick today, can Bob and Joe take over?”

      Would that type of response be okay?

    3. HannahS*

      So, two things. One, you’re right, it sucks. I completely agree. I’m sometimes hosted for Shabbat by some Very Orthodox People and usually the women do kitchen work as the men continued their interesting coversation that I want to be a part of but can’t, unless I refuse to help my host. And the pre-dinner prayer service is separated by gender, so I’m literally separated from the men by a screen, because the presence of my body in the same room could distract them. UGH. Sexism is frustrating and awful. I really respect that you don’t want to enact it in front of your cousins, and I think the suggestion that you ask them to help you is a good one. “Sure, Auntie, I’ll help set the table. John, why don’t you grab the salad, and James, maybe the cutlery? I’ll take the plates.” And then talk to the boys, ask them about their lives, etc. while you do it; make it feel as natural and casual as possible–you’re not Making A Statement by putting the boys to work, you just want to spend time talking with them.

      However. It’s not ok to pretend not to hear your aunt when she asks you for help. I think you’re now frustrated to the point that you’re not being a good guest. You go over regularly and you’re family; you should be offering to help, and that would be still be true if your aunt wasn’t sexist. I know you’re frustrated and I get that, but in my mind, there’s an element of playing by house rules. For me, it grates to be praying in the women’s section; I was raised in egalitarian congregations. But I don’t skip that portion and then expect to be fed and hosted without participating. My hosts go to considerable effort and expense to make me welcome; it’s not nice to just be a guest on my terms, you know? So try to include the boys, but if it doesn’t work, I think your choice is to either go and help, stop going to dinner entirely, or talk to your aunt about your feelings.

      1. Observer*

        One thing about your hosts. If they actually expect women to do all the work and the boys to do nothing, they are pretty unusual. Even in households where the women do all the serving, the guys are expected to help out, at other points, such as with setting the table or cleaning up.

        I don’t know ANYONE who actually would ask a new guest to help before asking their own children. I’m sure such people exist because there are all sorts of crazy in the world. But at least in the Orthodox world, that’s a real outlier.

        1. HannahS*

          I didn’t say or imply that men and boys in Orthodox homes do no housework. In the very traditional Orthodox homes I’ve been in for big meals (and I’m talking about my own relatives and mentors and friends, not just a random Chabad family I met once) I and other female guests are expected to help the hostess and her female children (because if you have five, chances are there’s a girl present) set out food, serve it, and help clean up after while the boys and men sit and socialize. Are the host and male children setting up the extra tables and chairs? I assume so. Are they working after I leave? Probably. But when there are more than 15 people, the hostess and her 2-3 female children need the help of guests to bring and serve all the food, and it falls upon the women. My point is that this is unfair, but if I’m mad about it I can either shrug and continue to help out (which I’d offer to do for any host), delegate to a boy, speak up, or not accept invitations. I shrug and continue to help, because I appreciate what they do for me and I’m too awkward to try to change things in someone else’s home.

    4. ExcelJedi*

      Is this something you can talk about when you’re not in the moment? Like, help when she asks (and stop pretending not to hear!) and then have a one-on-one discussion about it when it’s not actually happening. Try being non-judgmental about it, be open to her disagreeing with you, and if she does disagree, understand that it’s her house and her rules. If you ever have these kinds of dinners at your own house, you can make the rules.

      (And maybe you’d feel better if you hosted sometimes, so you get to model the kind of world you’d prefer.)

    5. Drama Llama*

      Keep it light hearted. “Dude, come over here and do the dishes. It’s 2018, boys do housework too!”

      BTW, you’d be doing them a massive favour. If I married a man who sat around while expecting me to clean after him plates will be thrown.

    6. Earthwalker*

      Will those boys someday find themselves in the awkward situation of wanting to invite someone special for supper but they don’t know how to cook or set the table? I’ve met a number of men who never learned those basic skills and feel embarrassed about their limitations. Could you ask your aunt if they at least know how?

      1. Observer*

        Odds are that Aunt would be HORRIFIED at the idea that her sons might ever need to be able to cook for themselves. I mean WHAT KIND OF GIRLS DO YOU THINK THEY ARE GOING TO MARRY!?!?!

    7. Anu*

      My own feeling on this matter is that it’s OK to be a bit rude to make the point. After all, your aunt is being rude when she asks you to help out when her own sons are right there.

      My own experience of this was when we visited paternal relatives. There was a (thankfully unspoken) expectation that all women, and teenage girls, would go help out in the kitchen, while the men sat around talking. This was incidentally in India, but I’ve seen the same dynamic many places. My mom would just remain completely impervious to social pressure and continue sitting in the living room. She would be completely pleasant about it, but she just wouldn’t go. And certainly as a girl, I sometimes wished she would just go help out like the other moms, but it was a point that needed to be made and I’m glad she made it. If I asked her about it, she would talk about gendered norms and tell me I’d understand better when I was older – and it’s true I do understand better.

      Of course, your situation is tougher, where you’re being directly asked to do something. If I were you, I’d pleasantly say, how about we get the sons to help out, I have an urgent email to write. And then directly enlist the sons. And yes, slightly rude, but these things can’t be allowed to continue unchecked.

      1. TL -*

        Yes, this. It’s okay – in family, at least – to be a little rude or simply to value your own time. You’re close enough to them that you should be able to enlist the boys’ help or say, “Sorry, aunt, I’m in the middle of a conversation/tv show/whatever. Can you ask Bryan or Joe?”

        It is totally okay to not perform gendered expectations just because they’re expected. At work and in shared living situations I magically become blind to messes in communal areas. Does the mess get pointed out to me more often than any of the men? Absolutely. But I respond by a) agreeing that there is a mess and b) saying that I always clean up my own mess, so I’m not sure where the problem is coming from.

  14. Mimmy*

    One more week until my trip!!! *takes a deep breath* You can do this Mimmy!! Hubby and I leave on Friday for a family event; then on Sunday, I fly to the conference, which goes until Wednesday.

    Any suggestions for preventing, or at least minimizing, the inevitable post-trip let down? I’ve been building up to this for several months and, given my tendency to crash back to earth after a long-awaited event, know that the few days after I return are going to suuuuuck. Not to mention that I’ll probably get very overstimulated.

    I’m trying not to get too stressed out with the pre-planning, but I worry that I won’t look my best or I’ll forget to consider certain things, like how I’m getting from point A to point B.

    1. nep*

      Best advice: Stop overthinking and stop projecting. I know–easier said than done. But really you can grind yourself into the ground with too much projecting about how this moment will be and how that moment will be. (I’m speaking to myself here too. I tend to do it about everything and I’m working on it; I’m always better off when I prepare as I must in a practical way, but then not obsess and project.)
      Flow through it. Know that you will be equipped at every point to make it through and make it work.

      1. nep*

        (i.e. best advice that comes to mind, that I can offer…didn’t mean ‘best advice.’)
        SEE! Obsessing.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Post-trip let down: Debrief here next week. You will probably be tired also, let the fatigue help you to land.

      There will probably be a moment or two where you will not look your best. No one will care. Just like you don’t care that they do not look their best.
      You will probably forget something. And it will be okay because someone will help you or you will quickly see an alternative solution.
      I wish you safe travel. Take time each day to just be mellow,read or sip tea and be still, even if it’s just 15 minutes or so.
      I think you will have a great time.

      1. nep*

        ‘No one will care. Just like you don’t care that they do not look their best.’
        Such important insight here. This can apply to so many things.

    3. WS*

      I haven’t found any way to actually prevent post-event crash, but I think preparing for it is very helpful. Having a clean house and some food (even very basic food like crackers) available when I get back, not having any extra chores or appointments those days, etc. Then you may still crash, but you’ve got a clean bed to crash in!

      1. Chris, Aotearoa*

        My biggest tip is to make sure you have something else to look forward to! If you can afford it, it’s nice to have another trip in a few months booked – and if not, at least planned and diaried in. And maybe an excursion – to an exhibition, a cafe somewhere you don’t visit often, the movies, a park? the weekend following your return?

        1. Mimmy*

          Actually, I do have another trip a couple of weeks later at a lake house in Georgia with my family. I will definitely have that to look forward to.

          WS – I’m attending a party a couple of days after I get back, but I’m rethinking that. Not because of your post – I was rethinking it already. But the woman giving the party probably already gave her final head count to the venue. I’ll play it by ear.

  15. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

    Weekly running thread!

    I’ve done a lot about myself, so…this week, I’ll ask about your favorite routes or types of routes. Do you prefer pathways? Parks? Trails? Along the water? Hills? Flats?

    Also, as always, races!

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      I tend to like parks – for me depending what time of day I go, they’re a nice balance between having something interesting to look at to distract me from the running or being oddly peaceful, which sometimes is what you want. Plus the changing seasons means there’s always something new to look at. I prefer flats, ideally with grass rather than pavement/tarmac, but that’s because I’m lazy :)

      No races for me this week (I’m waiting for my virtual running club to announce their next one!). I did go to parkrun today though, but only as a volunteer – I was timekeeping, which is a bit of a scary job, but thankfully it all went smoothly so I feel a bit more confident about it now.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        First of all, I’m glad everything went well! Hopefully you’ll be less nervous the next time you volunteer.

        Anyway, I think parks are pretty cool – although it depends on the park. Generally, there isn’t any vehicle traffic to deal with, which is awesome (although you still have cyclists – although cyclists will say they have runners and walkers to worry about!). On the other hand, it might just be my area and my schedule (I’m mostly an afternoon/evening runner), but there are times when things can get a little chaotic.

        Hills: Hills are one of those things that are an acquired taste, I’ve found. I’ll do hilly easy runs and long runs, but unless it’s an actual hill workout, I prefer to keep my workouts flat. (I really should get more hill workouts in.) But some people I run with LOVE hills. I don’t quite understand them, but it seems to work for them.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Thank you! I’ve volunteered at parkrun a few times but only once before as timekeeper, and I wasn’t very good at it, so was a bit worried about it this time. Thankfully I put into practice what I learnt last time and hopefully it all went OK!

          Agree about evening runs. I’m finding my evening runs are a lot busier lately, but I also think part of that is due to the time of year – now the weather is getting better and the evenings are longer there’s a lot more people spending their evenings outside. Whereas in the winter it’s much quieter regardless of the time of day.

          And I hear you on the hills! The area of London I live in is very hilly and most of the places I ran in previously had some super-steep hills, which were not my favourite. In particular my previous parkrun had a very steep hill right before the finish which I really didn’t like. But then in an odd way sometimes I miss the challenge of hills when I’m running the flat loop in my nearest park!

    2. gecko*

      Anything with water is my favorite. I have a route along a reservoir near my apartment, and when I vary it up I usually go run along a pond a little further from my apartment :) I like how they’re natural loops, and bodies water are just balm to my soul.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I’m kind of the same way, except I prefer rivers and streams. I’ll go on a loop if it’s a workout – there’s a pond on the pathway a couple of towns south that I’ve been meaning to do a workout at for ages – but I like just being able to follow along for a while, taking in the scenery.

        Although, reservoirs are usually pretty large, so I’m a little jealous that you live right by one.

        1. gecko*

          It’s awesome. Though the past few weeks the Canadian geese have been raising their goslings on its shores…and the goslings are now gangly teens…and it’s surprisingly terrifying to run on a path lined with geese. They’ve been extremely calm (city geese, I guess) and it’s cool to see the babies growing up. But boy…they are in fact wild animals

    3. grace*

      I love trails – especially earlier in the morning in the summers when the wildlife isn’t hiding away yet! I’ve seen deer several times and it always makes the runs easier.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I’m such a city boy (I grew up in the suburbs, but…like, I mean, an inner-ring ‘burb) that I still get a little startled when I see deer out and about! (Although the best is when they’re hanging out in someone’s front yard. There’ve been a couple of times where I’ve thought that there were just lawn decorations and then I got closer and they moved.)

        I’m also curious – what kind of trails do you normally do? Do you prefer closer to actual roads, or do you lean more towards backwoods-style trails?

        1. grace*

          I like both kinds! Near my parents house there’s a greenway that kind of loops around the neighborhoods, but I also love running in trails in the woods as long as it’s pretty much tamped down so i don’t twist an ankle.

          My new place doesn’t have any trails or sidewalks (well they’re in the apt complex but not the road nearby which???) so I’ve resigned myself to long runs on the weekends and treadmill workouts during the week and it’s definjteky not as fun!

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’m very lucky to live near the water. Running near any type of waterway is my favorite. Parks would be my second favorite (living in NYC, I’m lucky to have lots of options in that regard, too). I’m not much of a trail runner; I’m clumsy and always worried about tripping over something.

      My running routes are mainly flat these days but I love hills. I actually tend to do significantly better in races that have hills than flat races. I guess I enjoy the challenge and the adrenaline rush.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        Dude, New York IS amazing, and I’m mad at myself for not taking more advantage of it. (Probably because I don’t want to have to go home post-run from New York.) Probably one of the coolest routes I’ve done is over the GW from Fort Lee and down the West Side – even with the bikers, it never gets old for me. (I did it last week with a group. I did not realize that the Bridge Challenge was happening on the lower deck AND there was also apparently a bike event going on later that day.)

        The NJ side of the Hudson isn’t bad, either (especially Hoboken), but there are a lot of parts that aren’t open to through traffic (thanks, Ellipse!). Plus, going through Hoboken Terminal even at 7:30 AM on a weekend is weird, since you have to navigate an actual doorway (I believe that there’s a door that’s usually open, but there are bollards in front and it’s weird if you’re by yourself and a little scary when you’re in a group of five).

        1. runner*

          Have you tried Palisade Park (I think that’s what it’s called?) right near the GW Bridge on the NJ side. It’s got trees and water near by and few cars on the weekends (at least early-ish when I go there). Lots of runners and bikers but not crowded. You can also drive and park I think, then run, if you have a car.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            I’ve been wanting to try Palisades Park for awhile. Is it accessible without a car?

            Llama Grooming Coordinator, I’ve wanted to run over the GW Bridge but go in the opposite direction–from Manhattan to NJ and then down the waterfront from Fort Lee to Hoboken. I take it from your post that that’s not possible? Bummer, if that’s the case. I still love running along the Hoboken waterfront down to Jersey City. And yes, I’ve run through the train terminal, which is very strange. :-)

            1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

              I actually had to look this up – but it should actually be possible for most of it. It’s just that there are quite a few detours, which is the frustrating thing. The map the conservancy has posted is…about a year out of date and doesn’t show the closures in Newport, but other than that it looks fairly accurate.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          After three NYC Marathons, the Queensboro Bridge is definitely not my friend!

    5. Epsilon Delta*

      I like to run to explore. So I will often start at my house and run about 3 miles to city center, and take a new route to get there. Sometimes I get myself into a little trouble because I run farther out to explore and then the run back is longer than I anticipated!

      I am fortunate to live in a small city with a fairly well-connected sidewalk system and a lot of parks. We also have a lot of historic architecture. It is a really fun place to run!

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        That actually sounds…pretty amazing, and like something I’d do. (Actually, I kind of did Wednesday. I ran a 6-mile run to the supermarket…that’s less than a mile from my apartment.) And to be honest – your city sounds pretty awesome just in general, since I really like interesting little cities/towns. (One thing I like about the neighborhood I work is that there are murals EVERYWHERE. It’s great.)

    6. Red*

      I LOVE the nice park by my house, and flat is the way to go. Hills kill me every time.

      As for races – I just ran a nice 5k and have another one coming up next weekend. My friend loves having a running buddy and knows I am having mental health issues (see the other thread for the details if you’re curious) and need the push to get out of the house and moving, so we’re going to race together every weekend while I’m on disability. She’s so nice.

      1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        I actually did see the other posts you made – and to be serious about things, I’m really glad you’re taking care of yourself. That takes a lot of strength and courage to admit that, not only to other people but to yourself. Good luck on the weekends – and I’m glad you have a friend in your life that’s willing to help push you to do things you want to do.

        And I really hope you start feeling better soon! Hopefully, the time off from work will help with that, as well as anything else you’re doing.

        1. Red*

          Thank you! There’s a lot I’m doing to help things out, including a med change and therapy twice a week. I return to work on the 25th and I’m hoping to feel better by then. Thanks for the weekly running threads, and I hope to have an exciting post about a fun race next week instead of one like this

    7. A bit of a saga*

      I’m a bit lazy in that I don’t want to have to go somewhere to run so I always start out either from home or from work. Work is close to a nice path so I go there from time to time, otherwise a mix of parks and urban pavements – not all that scenic!

    8. Empty Sky*

      I tend to do the same run over and over, but it’s because I like it so much. It’s an urban waterfront run with no stops or road crossings, lots of space (usually) and great scenery. It can get a bit crowded in summer and you sometimes have to dodge small children for the first section. It can also be extended a lot if you like (out to well beyond 10k) and varied with hill detours in either or both directions.

      I always hated hills, although I did them now and again and enjoyed knocking them off when I managed it. I used to notice that my running style seemed particularly suited to flat running, as I had running partners that would struggle to keep up with me on the flat but leave me in the dust on the uphill parts. Unfortunately it also made me very injury prone, to the point where I’ve been unable to compete in any events in something like 3+ years now. I’ve been working through an extensive program of physiotherapy and Pilates to identify and address all the underlying issues, which has involved things like altering my muscle firing sequence and basically rewiring my nervous system and learning to walk/run all over again. I’m now mostly done and I run shorter distances at a slower pace than I used to, but (hopefully) properly now and without the same injury risk. On the rare occasions I’ve attempted hills, they feel about 10 times easier than they used to and I fly up them. So I’m hoping that better hill running will be a side effect.

  16. KatieKate*

    Any advice for getting over a not-ex? Someone who you went on a few dates with, but because of circumstances it couldn’t go any further (I was willing to do long distance, she wasn’t). It’s been a few months but I was on a date last night and although the woman was perfectly nice I was just wishing she was my not-ex. And I’m going to see not-ex at a mutual friend’s wedding this summer, so there’s no way to cut her out completely (not that I want to, because I still want to give us a shot…) Arg.

    1. matcha123*

      I don’t think you ever really get over people…you just find other people or activities to take more importance or time.

    3. Rainy*

      I was in a similar situation, and I just dated other people and did my best to move on.

      Then we ended up in the same city, and now we’re engaged. :D

      1. KatieKate*

        There was a chance we were going to end up in the same city, but she decided to stay in her current city for grad school and I really don’t want to move to her city. So maybe one day!

        1. Rainy*

          We were living in two different countries when we met and briefly dated the first time and then broke up, and when I had to move back to the States I made plans to move to the city we now live in unless I found a job elsewhere in the meantime, which I didn’t. Then he ended up moving here a month before me because he had a brother living here that he could crash on his sofa when he decided he’d had enough of the city he was living in (housing situation fell through last-minute, company he was working for got sold, etc). And the rest is history!

    4. misspiggy*

      It sounds like you could make the wedding a chance to be a lovely goodbye. Be charming and positive, make it clear you’re stoked to see her, and wish her the best for grad school. Then if your paths do cross in the future, there’s the best chance of starting off on a good footing.

    5. Clever Name*

      No advice, only commiseration. I dated a guy for like a month. It was super intense, slept with him too early- you know, all the hallmarks of a good fling. :) But I had to end it because he just didn’t make an effort to get in touch with me and didn’t really plan dates, broke dates, didn’t call when he said he would, etc, and that’s a deal breaker for me. I’m still thinking of him weeks later and wondering if I made the right decision. I’m hoping that continuing to date people and time will help.

    6. Anon for this*

      LDR from the start with no end in sight is really, really tough. First step is take off the rosy-colored glasses about trying to get to know someone romantically over Skype and text.

      In my personal experience, I was in your not-ex’s shoes. Very adamant about not getting involved in a LDR-unless-someone-moved. Didn’t want to factor someone in my life decisions based on a couple dates.
      Then we met up a few months later, and it was really great to see them… and we just didn’t stop texting. Eventually we had the Define The Relationship talk, figured we’d give it a shot, and now we live together. But the key for me was seeing how to casually do LDR.

      I realize this isn’t helpful to you, but like matcha123 said, I think you just gotta find more things to take up your time, and know that there are lots of other lovely people out there that you will meet!

  17. PlantLady*

    After writing, re-writing and finally deleting a post about the nasty note I got from my neighbor this week, I will just say this: If you ever have the chance to live next to a retired couple who spent the past 30+ years in a high-rent HOA in California and now spend their time nit-picking everything you do or do not do, to the point of issuing demands and instructions regarding your personal property without so much as a “please” or “thank you”, pass on that chance.

    My consolation is that the other neighbors will be finishing their new house soon, and it will very definitely block the ocean view that the nasty neighbors moved here for.

    2. Ali G*

      I feel you. I owned a condo in an building where there were a lot of retirees that bought as original owners back in the 80’s when it was built. There was one especially horrid couple that lived on my floor. They were so awful they were actually banned from all Board meetings.
      They hated pets, even though they chose to live in a pet friendly building. They would not ride in the elevator with dogs.
      I had a dog and I loved messing with them. Killed them with kindness.
      Typically I would see the wife in the mornings when I was going out to walk my dog.
      Her: sneer at me and dog
      Me: Good Morning!!!!!
      Her: I am not sharing the elevator with you.
      Me “I know princess!!! Enjoy your ride!!!!”
      Her: Gets on elevator
      Me and Dog: Run down the stairs and try to meet her again when she got off the elevator and if that happened:
      “Hi again – have a great day!!!!”
      She hated me.

        1. Parenthetically*

          This is true facts. I live in a condo complex with a number of extremely cranky, gossipy old biddies, and honestly coming up with ways everyone else is trying to make their lives miserable and then bitching about it is their only way to pass the time. A woman told me recently that her upstairs neighbor would stomp on the floor above her thermostat every single day to get HER heat to turn on so HE didn’t have to turn his heat on. N.B. heat is included in our homeowners’ fees so that was 100% not happening. Another one told me ages ago that the guests at another resident’s party had decided to park in her spot (she didn’t have a car) just to frustrate her because they knew her boyfriend wouldn’t stay for a visit if he couldn’t get her parking spot.

    3. rubyrose*

      I do know some of this pain.
      About 20 years ago I bought a condo in a building with underground parking and interior hallways. These two amenities were attractive to me because of decreased mobility; they also attracted a number of retired people.
      At first I thought wonderful, there are people around during the day who can informally observe what was happening, while the rest of us were at work.
      As it turned out, there was this one retired couple who decided it was their right to tell everyone what they should do and how they should do it. For example, the HOA hired part time people to come in two or three times a week to vacuum the interior halls and elevators. No one would stay in that position because this couple would follow the person around and tell them where to sweep.
      There was so much contention and strife caused by these two that a special HOA meeting was called. This meeting got a short article in the Denver Post!!
      I was lucky; I moved out of state and was able to sell. Others stuck around. I was told later that property values went down. I’m not sure I would ever be able to live in a condo again, knowing what can go wrong.

      1. PlantLady*

        Same here! We are the only non-retired, full-time residents in our little neighborhood, and we thought the same thing when we moved in – Great, people will be around all the time to keep an eye on things. They didn’t even notice when we left town for 10 days and had pet sitters and a contractor go in and out of the house, but when our yard guy let the shrubs grow more than an inch past the edge of the pavement, they were all over us.

        We lived in Denver for a number of years and while we never had problems, I have friends in Highlands Ranch and Parker with ridiculous HOA horror stories.

        1. rubyrose*

          I live in Highlands Ranch right now (my horror story was from Aurora). But I’m in an apartment. I do have some knowledge of the HOA problems in HR via postings in Next Door.

    4. Lora*

      I blessedly do not have an HOA to deal with but I do have retired neighbors who do yard work with, I swear, tweezers and nail clippers or something. My own yard, full of weeds, mint (hey, it’s green, it smells nice, it tolerates shade and you can mow it), holes in which the dog buried something terrible, and the occasional shrub that hasn’t been trimmed in five years, is a constant source of irritation to them.

      I just smile and tell them have a nice day. The guy is philosophical about it but his wife gets PISSED.

      In rural areas you get the joy of city people who move to the countryside for peace and quiet, then complain to the animal control officer that there’s deer eating their landscaping. Guy next door is terrified of all animals other than cats. Like he’s scared of squirrels, my neighbor’s elderly sheep, the world’s friendliest golden retriever down the road, owls that live in the pine tree across the street, bluejays screeching. There’s feral cats around here that can climb like Spiderman, pee everywhere and turn into whirling blades of death if you try to pet them, but he’s terrified of chipmunks.

    5. StellaBella*

      Karma on the view blocking new place! Bring the new neighbours flowers, wine and food for their first week living there! :)

      1. PlantLady*

        Problem Neighbors have already been complaining about how the new people are “heavy driveway users” (Wha???) and how much worse the traffic will be when the new folks move in.

  18. Nervous Accountant*

    POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT

    I read a book that Alison recommended, LIsa Jewell “Then She was Gone.” I loved it. Would anyone want to discuss???

    1. Release the horcuxes*

      I read it last month! It was good though rather predictable as the story unfolded… I knew immediately why she was taken. I bought a book in a similar vein, The Breakdown by B.A. Parris and am excited to start it!

      1. Release the horcuxes*

        I also read The Girls in the Garden by Lisa Jewell and I didn’t really like it, so I was pleased with Then She Was Gone.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        Oh gosh, I didn’t get it so quickly. I am glad that it wasn’t as gory or violent (well as could be) as other thrillers I’ve read. I also finished into the water by Paula Hawkins. Enjoyed that as well!

        1. Jemima Bond*

          I didn’t get exactly what was going on early on, either!
          SPOILER ALERT
          I thought the bit where the bad person refers to how the victim dies was really chilling. I just felt so sorry for that poor girl :-(

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            SPOILER ALERT
            I really wish there had been more justice for the victim. While I feltsorry for the bad person, I think she got off too easy. Ellie’s letter was heartbreaking.
            I also wish I’d known a bit more of Floyd’s backstory–was just super curious about his parents’ careers.
            Otherwise, I was so relieved that he wasn’t the father. :(
            I also wish that there would have been more about the other kids.

    3. Little Bean*

      I just finished it today! It was not bad, I was drawn in and finished it pretty quickly. Agree that the plot felt pretty predictable though and saw most of it coming well in advance.

    4. Jess the Kat*

      Floyd was certainly caught between a rock and hard place, but thankfully he wasn’t Poppy’s father. He was sinister and creepy, watching Laurel from afar and copying her husband Paul’s personal clothing style. How horrific for Ellie. My heart broke for her. I wondered if I would have nightmares about being a young girl locked in a basement with no way out.

  19. The Other Dawn*

    I mentioned last week that someone on Nextdoor finally got something organized for a ladies’ game night. I’m happy to report it took place this past week and it wasn’t horrible. We all got on well and that’s what counts. I didn’t leave there thinking, “UGH that was awful” or “Jane really rubbed me the wrong way/is obnoxious/ whatever.” (A big accomplishment for me, as I can be fussy.)

    Eight of us showed up. The woman hosting had lots of goodies, like cheese and crackers, chips, etc., so that was a nice surprise. I was also happy to see she has cats, which is always a plus for me. It turned out I was the youngest one there at 43. The oldest was almost 80. I would say the youngest aside from myself was at least 55. Almost all of them have grown kids, grandkids and some great grandkids. The one who didn’t have any kids actually couldn’t have kids. I was pretty much the odd person out being childless by choice, never smoked (they’re all smokers or former smokers), and the youngest.

    We played a dice game and then got to know each other. I will say it was difficult to make it around the table since a few of them were firing questions–some a little invasive–one after the other, which started a bunch of side conversations. Made it hard to finish a sentence and keep moving. But I guess that’s what happens when strangers all looking for the same thing–to get out of the house and meet people–get together!

    We made a plan to meet every two weeks. Someone suggested weekly and a few agreed, but it was obvious that others thought weekly was a bit much right now, myself included; I’m not ready for the frequency yet. We’ll rotate hosting. I made sure to mention my gazillion cats, saying that I wanted to put that out there in case someone is allergic, afraid, disgusted, etc. No one seemed to recoil so that’s good. :)

    I’m glad I went. It gave me a couple hours out of the house and I potentially have made some friends, both things I’ve been wanting for awhile. I’ll admit a tiny part of me was hoping they’d cancel at the last minute so I could stay home and be with me, but I went anyway. What I think is weird is that I wanted to go to this more than I wanted to go to a gender reveal BBQ last weekend for my husband’s friend and his wife. Not sure why, since I actually knew a couple people at the BBQ.

    1. nep*

      This sounds great. Wonderful that you went, that you’re glad you went, and that it wasn’t awful. Thanks for the update.

    2. Jess the Kat*

      I’m have things in common with you – age 41, married, no kids. Hard to find others to be friends with who have the same life circumstances.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        It most certainly is! I think the reason it seemed to work is the other night that their children are all grown, so they weren’t talking about babies, school, etc. They mentioned their kids and grandkids, but then talked more about their life experiences. I’d have been super bored if it was little-kid talk.

        1. Amey*

          It might work even with people with young kids. I have two small children and I am so desperate for conversation about things that are not children, you have no idea. Once you’ve got kids, the most common way to meet people is through kid things and often the only thing you have in common is kids. I’d really like to just talk about stuff I like and ideas for a couple of hours…

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Ah, good to know! I think I’ve had so many experiences where kids are ALL parents will talk about, so it automatically makes me think, “Aw crap, they have kids.”

            1. MotherRunner*

              I was definitely guilty of this when my kids were younger (they are still little, but not babies anymore). For me, it wasn’t that i only wanted to talk about kids. It was that i literally had nothing else to say. I was at home with my kids 24 hours a day, and my husband worked long hours. So the only interesting (or “interesting”) things that happened to me were things involving my babies. I just didn’t have the time or bandwidth to watch the news, or read a book, or listen to a podcast, or go to a museum, or do anything that my pre-baby self would have found interesting. To be fair, that may not be the case for most new parents. I suspect i had postpartum depression, although i was never officially diagnosed. So in reality, i probably could have done some of those things, but at the time they all seemed impossible.
              It’s so nice to be out of the dark hole that is postpartum depression combined with social isolation combined with exhaustion, and to feel like a human again, instead of just an incubator and food source. (Obligatory disclaimer: I love my kids. I mostly enojoyed being home with them, and I’m glad i was in a position where that was possible. I am also glad that they are old enough that i can have a life outside of my children now.)

  20. Nervous Accountant*

    MORE POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERTS

    I’m catching up on my shows. I loved blackish and was just heartbroken through the 4 episode arc. I burst out crying in public when I saw that scene in the season finale. I read one of the forums (not sure if Im allowed to mention it here) and man are they a tough crowd.

    So far I’ve to catch up on Goldbergs, Fresh off the boat, gray’s anatomy and B99. B99 is my “dessert” and I’m still crushed at the cancellation. Jake & Amy <3

    I don't know if I can bear any more sadness so I'll skip GA. I saw a season of Big Mouth and hated that I loved it lol.

    Anyone watch these shows? Any thoughts?
    Any more recommendations for comedies?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Noooo I didn’t, that’s awesome! I was shocked it was even up for cancellation to begin with.

        1. LemonLyman*

          Fox cancelled it and NBC picked it up the next day.

          I’ve been catching up on episodes via Hulu and I’m loving it! I’m mid-season 3 right now. I agree with the sentiment that it’s “dessert” although I think it’s an decadent dessert that is also surprisingly healthy. It has a great, diverse cast. The characters are all different and not just typical comedy tropes. Even Andy Samberg’s character is more than every straight white guy immature comedy character. I loved the scene in the first season where Diaz tells Santiago that because they are women in a traditional male dominated job, they need to look out for each other. These two characters support each other (and don’t gossip about their love lives or other women). I could go on… (It’s also The cherry on top that my usernamesake plays Peralta’s jackass dad!)

          And blackish is one of my current favorite shows. That arc was a very different storyline for the show… for any comedy. But it showed that relationships/marriages aren’t always happy and sitcom-like. It was “real” and that’s what blackish tries to address through their platform. It was a tonal change, for sure, but it made me appropriately uncomfortable which could have been what they were going for. They hit tough topics in a fresh way (e.g., Jack and the n-word, the Juneteenth episode – one of faves, postpartum depression, etc.). I’m still upset that ABC made them table an episode on the NFL and the anthem (I’m not opening that political debate here, just mentioning the topic of the tabled episode) because I am sure they could have handled it with the same honest discussion mixed with comedy they use when approaching other difficult topics.

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            I know I love how Jake is…he’s just amazing *swoon*

            I enjoyed the arc. The scene with Bow’s father killed me, b/c it was just so sudden and I went through the same thing months ago. Although on rewatching it again, I really hate that they just used it as a catalyst to “fix” them. I’m glad they were reconciled, but the death should have been handled so much better. I hope next season really explores it b/c we’ve seen so much of Bow’s family, it was weird to not have them shown at all for the funeral and afterwards etc.

            1. LemonLyman*

              Jake & Amy = relationship goals! I adore how they love each other’s quirks.

              I felt the same way about Rainbow’s father and it being a catalyst. I also felt like we were given so much on the demise of their marriage but not enough on the rebuilding. So, like you, I’m hoping they explore more next year. I’m glad it was renewed!

            2. tangerineRose*

              I also didn’t like that he died and this was the catalyst to fix the relationship.

    2. Trixie*

      I am hoping the Alienist is picking up for second season. I love these period Sherlock Holmes styles dramas.

    3. Anonymosity*

      I am LOVING the Netflix reboot of One Day at a Time. The rest of the cast is stellar too. They’ve updated it to a Cuban family with a single mum (she starts out separated) who is also a veteran, and her mother (played by Rita Moreno!) lives with her and her pre-teen son and teenaged daughter. I love Rita Moreno in this–she is so freaking funny and adorable. They kept the Schneider character, but he’s a younger hipster guy who owns the building. I like the actor a lot. He’s cute and hilarious.

      The show is a bit issue-driven, but it’s done well and it’s made me laugh my ass off and also cry more than once. Sometimes in the same episode!! I think I like it better than the old show.

      1. The Original K.*

        I love the One Day at a Time reboot! I just made my way through the first two seasons a few weeks ago. I didn’t see the first version (I’m too young to have seen it the first time around), but I love that Justina Machado finally has a vehicle and Rita Moreno is, as always, a national treasure.

        1. Anonymosity*

          I was a kid when the old one was on, so I couldn’t relate to or understand the single mum thing and the adult stuff didn’t interest me that much. I just dabbled in it now and then, but what I did see was pretty good. I do remember an episode where Schneider the handyman had an intellectually disabled helper who saved the day when they had a gas leak.

          I was unfamiliar with Justina Machado but I love her. All the cast is great.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        I didn’t watch the original run, I think it was in the 1970s? I’ll check this one out.

        I actually wanted to watch the Roseanne reboot but that’s over now.

      3. LemonLyman*

        I’ve watched a few minutes of the first episode and the laugh track was bugging me. But I’ll give it another try. I’m hoping the fake laughter goes away at some point. There are great comedies out there that went without because they trust their audience to know when to laugh on their own.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I think I stopped watching around episode 3 of season 13…is it on season 14? SoI have a LOT to catch up on.

  21. The Other Dawn*

    To the veggie gardeners: if I plant my leftover scallion bulbs and a few old cloves of garlic, will they grow? It seems as though it’s pretty easy based on what I see online, but I’m wanting real-life experiences. I need to fill in a few spots in my garden and figure this would be a good use for my scraps.

    I’ve graduated up to TWO raised garden beds this year. I started with one last year and it was a success, so I allowed myself another one. I have all herbs in one (lavender, sage, rosemary, cilantro, parsley, basil, oregano and dill) and in the other I’m starting bush beans and heirloom tomatoes from seeds (cross my fingers on that one!), plus I bought some established Roma and regular tomato plants for the other end. Also bought a hot pepper plant and a cherry tomato plant for my containers. I’m also going to try Romaine lettuce in a planter box. They only need a small amount of space, so I figure my planter will work.

    1. Raine*

      Start them in a cup or jar with damp cotton or paper towel. Once you see them start to sprout, you can “transplant” them into those empty spots. I’ve found I’ve had more success with sprouting them first then just planting them straight away. Another great thing to plant if you have a little extra room are the bottoms of a bunch of celery stalks or potatoes that have gone off a little bit. The celery you should sprout first and the potatoes can just go straight into the ground (check to see that they have eyes on them still, if they don’t then they won’t grow).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Even though I have the whole scallion (the tops are all wilted because I didn’t use them in time, which is why I got the idea to plant them and not waste them) I still need to sprout them?

        1. Safetykats*

          No, you don’t need to sprout them. I planted individual garlic cloves directly in the garden two weeks ago, and the sprouts are between 4 and 6 inches tall this weekend. (Not technically the right time of year to plant them, but I’m looking for green garlic to eat this summer, not actual garlic cloves to harvest this year.) As long as you have some good soil that stays moist, they will actually do better directly in the garden.

        2. LilySparrow*

          You don’t have to sprout them, but it lets you see if they are too old/wilty.

          Also, the milder indoor conditions make it easier for them to grow roots, which gives them a head start and makes them more likely to survive.

          Cut off the green top so they don’t expend energy trying to maintain it. It will add roots first. When the green top starts to grow back, then plant outdoors.

    2. curly sue*

      I’ve had consistently great luck putting cloves straight in to the ground in the fall and leaving them to do their thing. The winter cold activates them somehow — I’m not sure if you can get the same effect by putting them in the fridge before planting, but it’s worth looking into.

      One thing to note is that garlic is a two-year plant — you’ll get little balls the first year that you need to replant to get full heads the second year. Or eat them because they’re tasty, but the yield will be much better in year two.

      1. Southernbelle*

        Or you can forget them in the ground and leave them until the next year, which also works great! I’ve fall planted here (in the South) and I get a whole bulb, because it actually grows all fall and then re-sprouts in the spring and doesn’t die back until October – so it’s highly dependent on where you are/ day length/ growing season length.

  22. Julia*

    Why are people so damn intolerant these days?
    Today, someone I know posted a quote on Facebook saying vegetarians were the source of all evil, destroying people’s food culture etc. I’m a vegetarian, but most of my friends aren’t, and neither is my husband, and that has never been a problem. I never tell people what to eat (how would my marriage even work??) and I am SO SICK of people attacking me for my food choices. Like, once, a random guy at work told me vegetarianism was unnatural because cavemen didn’t do it. Cavemen also didn’t have cars and condos, dude! WTF.

    Plus, complete cultures eat meatless diets. Do people also think they suck??

    1. Chameleon*

      That’s…a really weird quote. Most cultures have at least some amount of vegetarian traditions, if only because meat is more expensive than vegetables.

      1. Julia*

        Apparently, it’s from Anthony Bourdain, the guy everyone is lauding as the hero of Asian cuisines. There are many Asians who follow vegetarian diets, and a chef who can’t cook well without meat isn’t worth much to me. Or should every meal every carnivore have be made with meat? Like, all the time?

        1. gecko*

          Ah I remember that perspective. Iirc as with many things he came around to understanding vegetarianism from a position of being a uhh dedicated carnivore, but that doesn’t change that someone on your feed chose a really crummy quote to share.

          When social media becomes one giant obituary it’s always going to be strange.

          1. Julia*

            I’m glad he came around (although that still doesn’t excuse the quote), but yeah, people lauding him as a hero are really annoying me today. I guess I can be glad that I did not end up working as a live-in babysitter for the guy who shared it.

            1. LemonLyman*

              From your tone I take it you don’t see him as a hero. And you don’t have to. But understand that people do not call him a hero because of the comments he’s said about vegetarians in the past but because he did do many things that helped culinary culture and the world in general. He spoke out against racism, xenophobia, and homophobia, and he was a supporter of the #metoo movement. He encouraged human connection, specifically through food and culture. He recognized food not just through an elite fine dining lens but also highlighted the down home, small town spots. Other chefs do that now, too, but he popularized it.

              I understand why you’re annoyed but people make mistakes. They say and do things that they later regret. They collect new experiences and grow through them. Those experiences can help them change their perspectives and evolve as a person.

              Also, in tragedies like this, it’s best to remember how a person positively impacted others. It just seems like better karma overall. :-)

        2. Triple Anon*

          His career has been in restaurants and television. Both industries depend on the meat industry, which took a hit from vegetarianism becoming popular. I know that seems like a strange statement, but consider the ads you see on TV and what’s being advertised. Lots of meat and other food products. Most of the vegetables we produce go to feed animals that are being raised for food. So vegetarianism has put a dent in the demand for not only meat but also corn, grains, soy products, etc. So there’s a media backlash against it. It’s easier to criticize vegetarianism than for entire industries to change their products and business models.

        3. Parenthetically*

          Do… do people not understand that hyperbole is a thing? Or that Bourdain was vocally opposed to the sort of white yuppie self-righteous vegetarianism that insists dogs be vegetarian and stands in judgment of meat-centric traditional foodways? “Hey, Tony, when you say vegetarianism is evil, do you mean Hindu granny is evil?” “No, ****face, I mean Sarah and Brad and their kids Meadow and Blaze and their dog Guevara who are vegan, including the dog, and who cry every time they think of an Inuit eating seals.”

    2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse*

      I’m vegetarian too and it is hard. I get a lot of flack at times.

      1. Julia*

        It’s so tough, isn’t it? I’ve had a professor tell me being vegetarian was a nuisance (it is in Japan if you have to explicitly go to a restaurant that serves at least one vegetarian meal), but I mean, sorry to care about animals and this planet, let me wipe your tears?

          1. Julia*

            These days, it’s much easier if you can decide where to go, but finding a place spontaneously or tagging along with people is still pretty hard.

        2. Music*

          Implying that people who aren’t vegetarian DON’T care about animals and the planet might have something to do with why you’re finding people being so unkind to you about your food choices.

          1. Julia*

            I posted a reply to that below, but basically, that comment was taken out of context, and the guy who posted on Facebook had no idea I ever said it anyway.

            1. Music*

              It wasn’t taken out of context, you simply failed to offer any. And if that’s how you conduct yourself online, it’s no wonder that you’re finding people so intolerant of your eating habits. Take a breath. Slow down. Stop reading anger into people’s comments. They’re not eating meat AT you.

              1. Julia*

                Yeah, I took it out of context. Sorry, it’s 3am here and English isn’t my first language.
                If you read all the comments on this thread, I’m surprised you think that way, and I think you are taking things personally that aren’t, but since it is 3am here, I think I’ll step away from the computer.

        1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse*

          I love it! I need to catch up but I adore Cecil and Carlos. All Hail the Glow Cloud!

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      That is so weird. FWIW I see most of the opposite in my feed, that meat eaters are awful people etc. In either case, people are just weird, I mean if you (general you) are not eating something why do you care so much ????

      1. Julia*

        I know zero vegetarians and vegans who preach. I guess it’s because we know we’d be vilified.
        But every animal rights post I see on Facebook has at least one commenter who says, “I’ll sneak some bacon into a vegan’s food, you f’*ckers” – why does it matter to other people if someone eats meat or not?

        1. Thursday Next*

          I never understood this impulse. It’s as though they feel threatened by someone else’s implied moral position.

          1. Julia*

            Maybe that’s it. Maybe deep down they feel guilty for eating animals, and that’s why they need to impose their habits on us. It’s the same with people who had kids and need to justify it to themselves, they tend to harp on others to also have kids, without considering that it’s deeply personal. (Not saying having kids is the same as eating meat!!)

            1. Sylvan*

              You know, maybe there is something to it for a tiny number of people? I want to go vegetarian, but I still snap and buy chicken or turkey sometimes. I am a little guilty and a little jealous of people who have cut it out, which doesn’t make sense, but there it is. :)

              1. Julia*

                Thank you for being so great about this discussion! I actually think that people who consume meat mindfully are doing pretty great. I said below that if I knew my “meat” didn’t suffer, I might reconsider eating some, and in general, we should all just be more mindful about our consumption and what it means for the planet and other living creatures.

            2. Anonymosity*

              I don’t feel guilty, but there is NO WAY I would ever do that to a vegetarian or vegan. Good grief. What if they’re veggie because they have that alpha-gal meat allergy!? Or are doing it for health reasons? Why would anyone want to deliberately make another person sick? That’s just messed up.

              I don’t really care about someone else’s dietary choices unless 1) I’m cooking for them; 2) they’ve asked me for help for some reason; 3) they aren’t trying to force them on me, in which case I will slowly eat a carne asada taco while staring creepily at them, because that’s just bullshit.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          It matters because they have nothing else going on in their lives. As an aside sneaking bacon in is not the best plan, there are other meats that hide better than bacon.

          1. Julia*

            Please don’t encourage them. >.< It's like sneaking someone gluten or peanuts, or pork. (Yeah, I know it's not an allergy or religion, but it's my belief and I don't even know if my stomach could deal with meat after all these years.)

            1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse*

              Being a vegetarian is no different than being Catholic, Muslin, etc. It’s a lifestyle choice which religion is as well. No one is born Catholic, Muslim, etc. They’re raised in that religion but people choose to stay in it.

              1. WS*

                It can be a medical issue, though, from people with digestive issues or stomas, to people allergic to red meat. Quite apart from that, I don’t have any problems respecting people’s personal religious practice despite being an atheist, so why would I have a problem respecting people’s personal dietary practice?

        3. Chameleon*

          “I know zero vegetarians and vegans who preach.”
          …
          I’m not meaning to pick a fight at all, but you sort of just implied that people who eat meat don’t care about animals or the environment, like literally in your last statement above. That is…a little preachy.

          1. Julia*

            The one where I said we should all be more mindful of our consumption? All including me?
            I don’t even usually say that to people in real life unless we’re already having a discussion on environmental issues. And even then, I don’t say “people shouldn’t eat meat”. In fact, I usually say nothing because I know people will get mad.
            But when a friend tells me she wants to eat less meat because it’s better for the planet, I say “great”, and when people say “vegans destroy the planet with their need for soy!” I say “most of that soy is fed to animals you eat”.

            1. The Road Ahead*

              More like this bit: “but I mean, sorry to care about animals and this planet, let me wipe your tears?”

              Which is definitely pretty judgy and didn’t include yourself on the side being judged.

              1. Julia*

                Oh, sorry. To give you some context, that was in reaction to a Japanese professor who told me I was being a nuisance. Not only am I tired of taking the high road every time people tell me I’m awful, it was literally an argument because in Japan, no one cares where their meat comes from and how many layers of plastic it’s wrapped in.

                I shouldn’t have said that in this context, and I apologize. I know that a lot of meat eaters care about the planet or animals in different ways.

                1. Mad Baggins*

                  I’m sorry you had that experience :( In my experience, Japanese supermarkets and food stalls mark what location the food comes from, but not exactly how it got from living animal to food item, so to speak. I’ve seen schools and “itadakimasu” enthusiasts try to teach/share this, though.

                  I hope Japan becomes more open to vegetarian and other dietary restrictions, but I’ve seen many people deal with them quietly–just not eating the meat, etc. As you know there’s more pressure to conform to the standard here, so I hope you can stay strong to your principles without letting your frustration spill into moral judgment on others’ dietary choices.

        4. Not giving up bacon*

          Interesting! I get the opposite – indignant ranting from vegetarians and vegans – all the goddam time on FB. I think it’s just that self-righteous people like to post their ill-thought-out comments on there, and the echo chamber effect does its thing. I’ve never seen anyone be anti-vegetarian or anti-vegan there, but there’s hardly a day goes by someone doesn’t tell me what a terrible person I am for eating meat. They just love to judge, I guess.

          It makes it hard to respect their views, when they can’t seem to avoid cramming them down my throat. If they think they’ll convert me like that, they have seriously misjudged their approach!

          1. Julia*

            Your username seems a little antagonistic…

            The argument “they keep telling me to stop eating meat” is pretty weird to me, because it’s so generalized. Like, you realize it’s not every vegetarian and vegan who does it? Just like I know that most omnivores won’t complain about my eating habits, or I’d have like 3 friends.

            If you saw a group of religion X trying to gain followers, would you seriously say, “everyone from religion X is judgy and awful”?

            1. zyx*

              I think you’re reading antagonism where none exists. “not giving up bacon” is making a decision for themselves, not telling you what to do or eating meat AT you.

            2. TL -*

              It’s not generalized. “They” refers to the vegans and vegetarians on Not’s FB feed who are posting judgmental stuff – I also know vegans/vegetarians who are preachy. Not yell in your face preachy but “I just care about the environment/animal rights/you wouldn’t be able to eat animals either if you knew what I knew.”

              I also know some who are great and chill. Jerks come in every flavor.

      2. Dan*

        The funny thing with meat eaters being awful people is that I grew up in deer hunting country, and from a nature perspective, hunting is a recognized means of population control. And going back to the stone age, hunting was simply a means of survival.

        1. Julia*

          I think if people actually hunted their food, I might even consider going back to eating it. (Although I doubt it; I just couldn’t stomach eating meat anymore an event in my life.)
          But the meat industry is horrifying and animals suffer so much before they land on our plates. If people want to keep eating meat, which I get because they’re used to it, I think a reform is in order. It would make meat more expensive, and people would have to cut back on meat, but humans probably shouldn’t have meat twice a day every day anyhow. Obviously, I as a vegetarian can’t suggest that without having my head ripped off, though.

          1. Dan*

            No, you can’t suggest that without getting your head ripped off.

            Deer hunting is interesting – its an animal that is hunted individually and rarely, if ever produced on a farm.

            Realistically, people I know hunt it with a bow and arrow or gun. There isn’t that much suffering unless you can’t get a clean kill. Most people I know eat their hunt.

        2. Thursday Next*

          Meat eaters aren’t awful people. Meat eaters who would respond to a vegetarian by talking about sneaking bacon into their food are awful people.

          And from an ethical position, eating the meat from population control hunting is different from eating farm-raised animal meat purchased in a supermarket, as is subsistence hunting. Hunting is a more mindful process; subsistence, of course, is all about survival.

          1. Julia*

            This. I think people should eat meat if they want to. But I’d really prefer it if they didn’t treat make animals suffer needlessly for it. Not saying animals suffer at all farms, but some are held in awful places.

    4. Dan*

      Probably somewhere after the time that as a society we decided to encourage individualism and not necessarily reward societal conformance. While there was (and is) a lot of positive change as a result, the fallout has been that the mentality encourages people to draw lines in the sand, accept their own view as correct, and try to minimize or outright silence views we don’t agree with.

      Take any issue two people disagree on — if one is not willing to hear the other out, and give the opposing view respectful consideration, well, that’s the definition of intolerant. Odds are, while that other person may have reached the wrong conclusion, they likely had very understandable, if not justifiable reasons for feeling the way they do. Minimizing those underlying feelings is a sure way to create a sharp whiplash.

      I mean, I grew up in a mining town in the midwest, and move to the east coast for college, and eventually got a job there and stayed. But back home? Every time the census comes out, there’s a declining population — the town has lost 20% of its population since the 1980 census. (While this was by no means a major city, the population was big enough to support four elementary schools, a junior high, and a high school.) Schools are closing, and when you grow up there, you really don’t expect to stay. The people that are left working in supporting industries? As the industry itself (mining) falls out, and the demand for everything else drops as a result, you get scared.

      1. Lora*

        Scared of what though? I grew up in a rural farming area. Farmers were going bankrupt left and right and sure, some managed to change from commodities to higher margin crops (veggies, fruit, maple syrup, free range chickens/turkeys), lots didn’t, and the guidance counselor in school told kids who wouldn’t go to college about truck driving / trades. They weren’t told to hang onto the dream of being farmers like dad, they were told that this is a crap job going the way of the dinosaur – sell the farm to a developer and start a landscaping company for all these yuppie developments.

        Like… How do they figure anything works? I don’t get it. My grandparents were old enough to have horse drawn family vehicles as kids and see a lot of automation replace jobs, we all knew that the world moves on. This shouldn’t be a surprise.

        1. Dan*

          Scared of not being able to survive? Not sure what kind of answer you are looking for.

          We are all at risk of having our jobs automated away. The only question is if it happens before we retire. How are we supposed to know? BTW, I write the software that automates people’s jobs away, I’d be stupid if I thought the same couldn’t happen to me.

          I work in tech – which job should I train for that won’t automate away before I retire?

          1. Lora*

            “the people that are left working in supporting industries? As the industry itself (mining) falls out, and the demand for everything else drops as a result, you get scared” i was trying to connect this last part with “Probably somewhere after the time that as a society we decided to encourage individualism and not necessarily reward societal conformance” and not understanding. I think I am still confused about what you mean.

            I mean, the world changes and we’re all going to be hosed, all the time. We can’t know a lot of things. If you can cultivate flexibility, and figure out how to adapt quickly to anything, it puts you in a better position to deal with whatever crazy thing happens in the future.

            1. Dan*

              The connection is why many people in those situations vote the way they do, and how there has been a rather intolerant rift between voters of the two parties.

              I can’t really develop this further with out going full bore into politics, which AAM wants us to avoid here.

              1. Lora*

                Alrighty. I was sort of imagining it from a historical perspective: like many of the original Puritans starved to death and some colonists resorted to cannibalism even while surrounded by food because they had cultural and religious prohibitions on shellfish and were deeply suspicious of native American foods. The Viking colonists at Greenland followed European conventions on what was acceptable food, and had a prohibition on eating most fish even though it was the most common food available to them and died of starvation as a result.

                That’s why I was confused. I mean, if you are worried about not having enough mutton and beef to eat, being willing to have clam chowder for dinner instead goes a lot further than complaining about the lack of hamburgers or dividing into Farmers vs Fishermen, as it were. But whole civilizations have died because they would rather starve than eat a filet-o-fish, so…

    5. Sylvan*

      People who are happy about their own diet or tastes don’t need to throw little fits about food.

      Sorry they are jerks to you, but it’s not even about you at all.

      1. Julia*

        That’s an interesting perspective. To me, it sounds more like they’re rejoicing in being the majority, and maybe afraid of doctors etc. advocating for less meat consume.

        I wish they could go and be jerks at someone else, preferably themselves.

        1. Sylvan*

          That could definitely be it.

          I think they already are… They’re the ones who end up mad about the food on someone else’s plate, which is a pretty ridiculous state to put yourself in.

          1. Julia*

            But many come specifically to vegetarian and vegan online communities to complain about us, say they’ll sneak meat into our food, and call us names. You can’t block everyone. :(

            1. Anonymosity*

              They’re trolling. I’d bet money they go to other groups and do the same thing. Some people don’t even care about the subject–they just like to elicit a reaction.

              1. Thlayli*

                Yup. You get trolls on all sites regarding any issue people disagree on. Just remember dont feed the trolls – ignore them. A reaction is what they want.

            2. Sylvan*

              Well, they might just be jerks. Sometimes there isn’t much more to it than that. :(

      2. smoke tree*

        Yeah, I think this can be true. It’s similar to the people who will give you a hard time if you don’t drink–they outsource their guilt about their own choices by giving you a hard time about yours. I used to be vegetarian and did not care about anyone else’s dietary choices, but so many people wanted to believe I was judging them.

        On the other hand, some people just enjoy making others angry, particularly when they know the other person is a lot more emotionally invested in a topic than they are.

    6. fposte*

      I think people are really polarized these days, whatever the issue. We’re inclined to see other people as the enemy very quickly.

      1. Julia*

        I noticed that. Not just in politics, but things like gay marriage, which shouldn’t matter to anyone but those who actually get gay married, or parenting.

        1. fposte*

          It also happens on the left with some frequency (which, as a lefty myself, I find really disappointing), so I think it’s pretty universal.

          2. Lissa*

            I think the internet definitely makes it worse too – I have seen people make absolutely jaw-dropping comments to/about others online that I know they would never make! Just recently there was a provincial election here in Canada and one of my FB friends made a post that now whenever he sees something about a tragedy in that province, he’ll know there is a better than even change that person is a *slur redacted* who deserved to die. I am on the same “side” as him politically but just….whaaaat?

            1. fposte*

              Yeah, that’s the kind of thing I mean. It’s too easy to cycle into a war of escalation where we let ourselves off the hook because “I’m only responding in kind to them!” Okay, but is that making things better?

    7. Thursday Next*

      I was raised vegetarian (religion), introduced to meat when I hit school age (so I could assimilate—as if!), and returned to vegetarianism by choice at 21.

      I prepare and serve meat to my kids. This was very, very difficult for me to do at first. However, I had decided that I would have prefer them to choose to be vegetarian on their own, rather than having it forced on them, and it’s easier on the digestive processes to give up meat as an adult than it I should to start eating it.

      It’s not a subject of discussion for me anymore. I don’t “proselytize” my position, I just live it. I think (see my post below) that food choices are highly personal and complicated and I wouldn’t presume to tell anyone else what to eat. I don’t encounter many people these days who question or criticize my choice, thankfully. I think I would ritually shun anyone who snuck meat into my food.

      1. Julia*

        That’s kind of where I stand, too. I sometimes prepare meat for my husband if it’s an easy recipe, as I have no idea how to prepare most meats. (And I think maybe some chefs don’t know how to prepare meatless meals?)
        For my kids, I think I would cook vegetarian and my husband can cook meat and fish for them if they want it, since we both take turns cooking anyway, and I believe that even for non-vegs, some meals should be meat-free for health reasons (following doctor’s guidelines.)
        That said, it does seem like being an omnivore is still seen as the default, and veg*an as the “other”, or your sentence would read “I don’t cook meat for my kids, if they decide they want to eat it, that’s up to them”, which I think is interesting.

        If anyone ever snuck meat or fish into my meal, and I could cut them out of my life (so not a co-worker etc.), I would, just like you.

    8. Anonymosity*

      Random guy sucks. I’m pretty sure cavemen ate a lot more plant foods (and insects) than we think.

    9. Earthwalker*

      Ever since weight loss became a US obsession we’ve been told by news shows and magazines to avoid fat, salt, sugar, protein, meat, dairy, carbs, grains, legumes, nightshades, and processed foods until there’s hardly anything left that isn’t on one taboo list or another. It hasn’t slowed down our consumption much but it’s made us as a culture rather defensive and prickly about food. An awful lot of people seem to have such a messed up relationship with food that they take out their guilt and frustration on others’ food choices.

    10. StellaBella*

      I have had to modify my diet in the last year as I got really sick (gall stones and pancreas issues) and had to stop eating meat, oil, fats, alcohol, and dairy… I was vegetarian for 7 years in college and after… and am now doing more vegetarian dishes and only have chicken once a week and maybe fish once a month. No read meats, etc. I am sorry you feel attacked. My family does not understand my choices either (we are Italian-American) and well, no red meat, no wine, no cheese is like a sin somehow…but I do get it and sorry that your friend was being a bit obtuse. I also am struggling with the loss of Anthony Bourdain – for his work on bringing awareness to the plight of Palestinians (I have worked in Palestine and love it there), the issues around culture and cities like Pittsburgh (watch that episode please of his show), and his championing of travel/food/culture and sharing and talking to locals. For this – even if he was biased toward meat – I liked him. But – on the vegetarian thing – hang in there.

  23. Thursday Next*

    Y’all, I bit the bullet and started a rigorous, 21-day elimination diet. I’m on day 9. Woo. Hoo.

    TL; DR: I guess my questions are, have any of you struggled successfully to quell your eating issues, particularly for health reasons? How do you not “fall off the wagon”? I try to avoid moralizing language, so I’ll just say there are stretches when I’ve been very successful—and felt great—but then I’ll have a life setback that sends me to the solace of food.

    With apologies for length, here’s the long story: I have a couple of autoimmune conditions, and I’m trying to see if I have any food triggers for flares. But TBH, I have a couple of other nascent health issues directly linked to diet, and correlated with weight, and one chronic issue exacerbated by weight.

    In short, I am a medical wreck. :)

    Doing the elimination diet has been emotionally fraught. I’ve struggled with eating my whole life. I’ve gained and lost enough weight in the last 20 years to form a whole new adult person. I can draw a direct line between food and comfort, or, more precisely, between the withholding of food and the withholding of love and care. When your mother bought chips and soda and cookies for your brother, but hid them from you, it’s hard, in times of stress, not to reach for chips and soda and cookies as if they were really love.

    (My mother had issues. Still does. What she does now can’t touch me, but what she did then still sends its grasping tentacles into my life.)

    I know people for whom dietary modifications or compliance is relatively effortless; they’re just not emotionally invested in food. And while I’ve been reading a lot of HAES material, I’m not in a position to embrace that philosophy for myself. I recognize that there’s a distinction between regulating one’s diet and monitoring ones’s weight, but I need to do both.

    I try to model an uncomplicated relationship to food for my kids, as I don’t want to deny them certain foods, and I don’t want them to feel guilt or shame. I don’t complain about my weight, or call certain foods “bad.” (I explained why I’m doing the elimination diet, to identify food triggers. My older child seems to get it.) I don’t push them to clean their plates. I don’t say anything is off limits, though I serve the healthy stuff first. I give them non-food love and comfort :) which they can’t seem to get enough of. But one of them began showing signs of disordered eating anyway. :( So there is that pressure as well.

    Sorry I wrote so much. The restrictions are pushing me into that lack of certain foods = punishment place. I know it’s not forever, and it’s for an important cause. (Did I mention I need to live forever, to serve as guardian for my younger SN child?)

    I have a therapist, I’m medicated, I meditate, I have a parents of SN children support group…I have so many pieces in place yet I still can’t figure this out and make it stick. Sometimes I wonder, what kind of adult am I?

    Sigh. Thanks for reading.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have often thought that diet control has very little to do with what we actually eat. And you show that here, it’s what happens in our minds and how we think of food that really does us in.

      There is so much luggage attached to food it’s incredible.

      I followed a pretty strict diet for years and years. I don’t think it ever stops feeling like punishment totally. But after a bit it does morph into quality of life. The better I ate the better my quality of life became and that was rewarding.

      The thing that jumped at me was you have to live forever for you SN child. I hope that was more in jest than anything else. But in case it’s not, I spent over a decade working with adults with substantial disabilities. My number one thing that I would say to any parent is make a succession plan. Where is Child going to go, how will they be sheltered, employed (if possible) and so on. Get the adult child there while you are still alive. Help the child to transition from your home to life on their own. I have seen parents work themselves into an early grave because they did not find an alternative means of living for their adult SN child. And that adult child misses out also. The truth is no, you do not have to do it all yourself, there is help.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thanks, NSNR.

        Re. my daughter–she’s still very young. My plan is to transition her out of the family home at the age when her typical peers would leave (so, around 22). And we have a guardianship plan (it’ll need to be revised as we go along, I’m sure).

        But I’m afraid that no one will be as good or as careful an advocate for her as I am. You hear about elderly residents of nursing homes, and how staff are consciously or subconsciously influenced by whether the residents have visitors. People with consistent and involved visitors get better care.

        for instance, last week I posted here about a Medicaid snafu. When I am gone, who else will care about her enough to read these forms and challenge errors? I don’t know.

        So yes, this is about so much more than food!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          People with consistent and involved visitors get better care IF they are nice. Just my limited experience but rude people seem to experience karma, whether it is family or care recipient.
          You are right about not having as good care as she would get at home with you. Overall our systems suck. But there are parts that get done right and in some cases get done very well. Additionally, there are some amazing people out there who do great stuff for individuals.
          From my stint in human service and my time as a family care person, my observation is that people who are nice make out better than people who are not nice. I mean the care recipients themselves. “Nice” goes a long way and can bridge a lot of gaps in our systems. Even a person who has many, many difficulties can still be seen as a nice person. Even if they have bad days every so often, that does get forgiven/forgotten by staff.

          I can point to a few things that captured our hearts. A person who is able to say/gesture please and thank you. It does not have to be all the time, but just like in the general population please and thank you can help anyone cover some ground. People who share or people who show a concern for others. This can be very random, I remember times when someone got hurt and an individual was very concerned about the injured party. It captured our hearts. In other cases there were folks with extreme physical limitations but they were reliable reporters. “NSNR, that over there has smoke rolling off of it.” Yep, I would run to see what had gotten too hot. Then there were some folks who could not do too much but somehow would know when someone was having a bad day. They would go over and pat the person on the back as if to say, “Tomorrow will be better. Hang on.”

          Funny/odd isn’t it? All this starts with a conversation about food. BTDT with my own version. We have to deliberately break these things into parts and deal with each part separately. In order to get a handle on what I was eating I had to deal with life problems/quandaries A, B and C. When my upset over A, B and C starting going down it was easier and easier to deal with my diet restrictions. Self-care is not just about bodily care it’s also about LIFE care. It’s about not letting our lives become out of control tornadoes and it’s about taking the steps we can to procure what we will need in the near future and the distant future.
          Here’s a thing that people don’t mention very often. Some attempt at helping ourselves will give us some benefit. More attempt will give us more benefit. It’s not an all or nothing thing, it’s actually a sliding scale. We don’t have to make perfect decisions, we do have to make some decisions. We don’t have to get everything right every step of the way, but we do have to try to do things. Go easy on you and just vow to keep plugging along. Over time you will be amazed at how much you have created that has worked well for you and your family.

          1. Thursday Next*

            Thank you for such a thoughtful and compassionate follow up. I know what you’re talking about—I’ve seen that service providers definitely respond differently based on the client. So you have reminded me that there is hope.

            And your last paragraph is something I should really take to heart. It’s so easy to fall into all-or-nothing thinking. In reality, even if I couldn’t stay the course with the elimination diet, but really could commit to eating dessert only once a week, that would probably make an impact. And that’s just one example. It’s hard when there are so many different self-care balls in the air. I wonder if anyone feels truly together?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I think people feel less together now than ever before in our history.

              I found this the other day:
              The US is now the most anxious nation on earth. Between 1997 and 2004 Americans doubled their spending on on anti-anxiety meds from $900M to $2.1B. People of each generation of the 20th century were THREE times more likely to experience depression than the preceding generation.

              (article at Slate Magazine: American Anxiety: The three reasons why we are more stressed than ever before. It comes right up if you google.)

              It’s an eye opening read. I’d encourage everyone to look at it. While we have more, we have lost a part of ourselves in the process.
              In years to come ability to console ourselves and console others will be highly prized if we continue on the path we are on.
              My only rebuttal to this is we can focus on developing our own skills in this area right now.

              1. Thursday Next*

                I just got a chance to read the article at Slate, which was really thought-provoking. The idea that we have become so averse to having negative feelings that we make ourselves more anxious is a fascinating one. Perhaps we could all use “acceptance and commitment therapy.”

                I for one could certainly use more in-person contact in my life. I think you’re right, that offering support to others, and receiving it in return, are going to be more important than ever, given the anxiety trajectory we’re on.

                Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate comments on this thread! What was it about again—food? :)

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  Right?!
                  I went from a size 24 down to a 6. (I didn’t feel comfy at 6 so I moved up from that.) During that journey, I learned that diet and weight loss is at most 40% about the food we eat. There is so much more than food and eating habits that goes into losing weight. And then the hard part of keeping it off….

    2. TheLiz*

      That sucks. I don’t have a lot of advice, but I can at least offer sympathy!

      I’m currently trying to lose fat (weight is just a number, muscle mass weighs more etc etc) after a sustained period of poor eating. It was a very stressful time, I knew I was self-medicating and I decided to put up with the consequences for a little while. Now I’m mostly trying to break bad habits – portions as small as or smaller than Husband’s, no candy/chips/soda in the house. If I do a shopping run by myself, I may have a small “treat” of candy or chips, and I’ll allow fruit juice into my life from time to time. I think it’s starting to work, but it’s hard. At least the elimination diet isn’t forever?

      As I’m sure you know, disordered eating is most often a response to anxiety. That means that a child of yours developing disordered eating patterns is NOT YOUR FAULT. Anxieties are everywhere, and it’s very easy to pick up that “food = control” from plenty of places that aren’t you. Love your children, supoprt them and be there for them and you’re being a good parent.

      (And I for one love the long posts ;) )

      1. Thursday Next*

        I do think that I’ll have to be strict with myself about portion size and frequency of “treat food” once I’m out of the elimination phase. You’re right, it’s not forever.

        Thank you for reminding me that disordered eating is an anxiety response. It’s funny, I should have had that at the forefront of my mind, since my own eating is a response to anxiety, just a different form from my son’s. I need to try to be easier on myself about his food choices, since I’m sure he picks up on my anxiety over his eating, even if I don’t discuss it with him.

    3. Ali G*

      Be strong! You have a lot on your plate (no pun intended, really!).
      Just getting through the 30 days must be so hard, but everything on top doesn’t help, I’m sure.
      I don’t have any advice, but I can commiserate on trying to just reset my head around food. Both Hubs and I need to lose weight and it’s so damn hard to just not order pizza on Friday’s and go out on Saturday’s, etc.
      I’ve also toyed with an elimination diet myself because I have digestive issues that crop up from time-to-time. My mom has IBSD that came about from her ignoring known digestive issues for years and is now on the most restrictive diet I have ever seen. I do not want to end up that way too.
      I hope you make it through and get the answers you need.

      1. Thursday Next*

        The two things I keep telling myself are, “the elimination phase is not forever” and “better now than letting things get worse and therefore harder.”

        But. Saturdays my daughter wants to eat out between activities; I actually submitted my original post from the bagel shop. And she wants ice cream on the weekend—it’s usually my husband’s outing with her, but he’s not here this weekend. So it’s just me taking her to all these Palaces of Temptation. :)

        I will try to be strong!

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      That’s tough. Glad you’ve got the pieces in place to support you, but let’s be honest: this problem was installed by your MOTHER when you were tiny. Seriously, this goes back to before you can actually remember. It’s deep, its ingrained, and of course it’s really really hard to get rid of. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong to deserve that abuse. This might be silly, but get kids/friends/SO/people who LOVE you to write something or other that you can tape to your mirror? A reminder when you need it that you are loved isn’t going to go amiss.

      Re your kids – they’re growing up in a world that is really messed up around food/weight/appearance. All you can do is do your best to teach them how to be healthy, and be honest about the challenge.

      1. Thursday Next*

        That’s a good suggestion re. reminders of being loved. I’m going to get on that!

        The power of mothers is astonishing. I think it’s so much easier to inflict damage than to effect a proportional amount of good. That’s part of why I’m so anxious that I don’t warp my own kids, knowing how Sisyphean the task of undoing my mother’s damage is.

    5. smoke tree*

      I’ve done this kind of diet before, and I actually find the intensity of it makes it easier to follow than just trying to modify my regular diet consistently. Part of what worked for me was focusing on following all of the specifications of the diet as closely as possible rather than thinking about what I wasn’t supposed to have. It was so different from my regular diet that I actually found it easier to maintain–kind of like how it can be easier to establish new habits in an unfamiliar setting. Another thing that helped was that partway through my sense of taste got a reset. After a few weeks of having no processed food or added sugar, fruit started to taste incredibly good. I also noticed that I started to feel noticeably better after two or three weeks. Part of me would like to go back to eating that way full time but it was an awful lot of work. Anyway, I hope this helps despite all of my rambling! Good luck!

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thanks! This is definitely alien terrain for me, and think that does make it easier, because I’m not trying to figure out how to limit my intake of something I like. I’ve also been finding that I’m less hungry, because nothing I can eat is very appealing, or it takes more time to prepare than I have energy for. I wasn’t expecting that. :)

        I’m already at a point where apples taste reeeallly good, so that’s a positive.

    6. Brunch with Sylvia*

      I am also currently following a strict diet for medical reasons. I began listening to a podcast for people who have 100+ pounds to lose (though that is not my situation). I did not think that I had a lot of issues surrounding food but I was running some scripts in my head that are defeating: “everyone else gets to eat this, but I can’t…I feel so deprived…I deserve this…etc”. Anyway, this podcaster recommended cutting through that BS and it has been a way for me to sort of detach from food as 1) reward 2) escape 3) center of family and social life. The script she suggests is “I am choosing this (for health, weight loss, whatever your reason)” not “this is happening to me”.
      She has a strong message of being in control by planning.
      For me, this has helped me to stick to my plan. There are all sorts of weird things about the podcast that don’t exactly make me want to recommend it specifically.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Control is such a complex and recurring issue when it comes to eating, isn’t it? I’ll add this to my script repertoire. Thanks!

      2. anon attorney*

        I think this is a really important insight – not just in relation to food. Of course we can’t control everything in our lives and there is a limit to what any individual can do about structural inequalities and economic trends, but framing such things as choices gives us power over them as far as we can. I have recently been trying to develop new habits around food which are partly, but not solely, about weight loss. It has helped to say to myself “I am going to cook X because it will nourish me, and eating nourishing food will give me more energy and I want to care for my body by giving myself good quality fuel” rather than “I can’t have Y because I’m a terrible fat person, why am I not the kind of person who can eat Y and weigh less, it’s not fair that I can’t have Y”. I’m trying to get to the point where a Big Mac is not a treat or a reward but actually a punishment, in the sense that it’s actually disrespectful and destructive to my body to give it something so poor to work with. So ‘good’ food is reframed as food that provides nourishment and an appropriate amount of energy, not necessarily the foods I would normally see as a treat. This is a work in progress. I still want to eat all the chocolate.

        For me it is not so much about food as a replacement for love, but food as reward. Breaking the link between food and reward is difficult both culturally (we are constantly urged to ‘treat ourselves’) and, I think, at the level of our neurochemistry – the reward circuitry is sensitive to what we put into it. I am trying to break the link by finding nonfood things to use as rewards or treats. I think I am making some progress. The other week I chose a salad over a burger and chips in a restaurant – not because I was denying myself, but because I genuinely thought the salad looked great. That felt like a bit of rewiring had connected.

        These things are hard and we don’t live in a neutral space but in cultures which have a vested interest in making us feel insecure and using consumption to manage emotional needs. It sounds like everyone on this thread is doing something difficult with thoughtfulness and care for themselves and others. Wishing us all well.

        1. Thursday Next*

          The things we say to ourselves, about ourselves, can be far more cruel than anything we’d hear anywhere else. I think coming up with a set of positive scripts around food, like your examples, is going to be helpful. It sounds like you’ve made good headway in rewiring your reward circuit!

          Yes, good luck and best wishes to us all.

    7. food*

      I’m similar in that I can trace my food issues directly to my mother (including being denied food others had access to). For me, I do best when it’s not about me being strong or resisting temptation it’s when I am 100% with myself in my food choices. When I’m trying to be strong, there is something going on that I “fighting” internally with my mother, and my job is to find out what that is so it can be addressed. I often tell her in my mind to f- off so I can get to the thing that is the source of the wish to eat too much/something I know is bad for me, basically something not in my best interest. When I’m really with myself, I can decide to have dessert for example and be totally ok with it because it’s a fully conscious decision, not one made to deal with a non-hunger feeling. It’s terribly hard work, but so, so, so worth it.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is very powerful, thank you. I will try to be more mindful in the moment of what my drive to eat something is actually about. I think I might borrow your specific F off strategy. Maybe it would help me to direct my anger toward someone other than myself.

    8. AliceBD*

      Hugs!

      I can’t help with this portion much but maybe focus on how much better you will feel? I didn’t do an elimination diet but I have certain foods I can’t eat – trial and error and a list of foods that commonly cause issues for people with my diagnosis made it not too difficult to figure out. People will go “oh wow I can’t imagine not eating x ever again” and make it sound like it is some big tragedy and have I tried medication for it? Yes I have but not eating x fixes the issue, it’s not too difficult to avoid x, and most of all I have absolutely zero desire to eat x because I will feel so physically bad so soon after eating it. It’s not an allergy (I can prepare food with x without issue and eating x won’t send me to the hospital, just will make me feel unwell) but the difference between eating x and not eating x is night and day. It was incredible when I gave up x and then realized a few weeks later how my baseline level of daily life improved. I had been low key unwell daily and had not realized it until it went away, like having a headache every single day for a decade and then suddenly not having it.

      (X for me is actually several foods, some of which were more integrated into my diet than others. I have not named them because the exact foods don’t matter and I don’t want others making comments.)

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thanks! I’m hoping this will yield similar information about foods that make me feel unwell. Feeling well is a powerful motivation to give up a food, and I think I’ll be fine with that as long as I don’t have to give up everything I’ve given up for the elimination diet.

        People can get awfully nosy about eating habits and medical conditions, can’t they? I’m sorry people have given you a hard time.

    9. Ellie*

      When meeting with your endocrinologist, ask about victoza. If you don’t have an endocrinologist, get one, then ask about victoza. I have similar health and food issues. It has been an almighty life saver in helping me deal with food stuff. I’d bore you to tears with details, but in short, it can help with weight loss (it’s originally for people with blood sugar issues), but more importantly it affects how you process food/want food, which can give you the mental space to deal with some of those issues. Cannot praise it and my endocrinologist enough.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is interesting! I just saw my endo on Thursday, and we talked about Metformin because even though my numbers don’t indicate it, she thinks I have insulin resistance, based on other symptoms. So we are definitely talking about pharmaceutical aids. It’s an ongoing dialogue, so I’ll leave a message for her. Thanks!

        1. Ellie*

          Oh, heavens, metformin was FANTASTIC!! Getting on it was so great- sure, its side effects are ugh, but for the first time in my life, I was able to just be hungry like a normal person. I’d pretty much been insulin resistant always, but that wasn’t something folks looked for back in the day. On metformin, I could wake up and think, “Breakfast sounds good,” instead of literally rolling out of bed to immediately drink juice because my blood sugar was so low my hands were shaky …

  24. Family Travel Dread*

    Did anyone else ever reach a point of no more family vacations?

    I’m in my late 20’s, living on my own. My younger brother and sister are in their early 20’s, still in college and living at home with our Mom and Dad. I am invited to the yearly family vacation and, though I know I am blessed to have parents who pay for the whole trip, I hate it more often than not. Despite the wonderful destinations we go to, I spend more time being frustrated with my family than enjoying myself.

    I am an early bird who would rather be up in the morning to enjoy the whole day and relax in the evening, while they like to sleep in, get up in the afternoon and go late into the night. I want to do museums and historical places, they want to party on the beach and shop. I compromise constantly with them but get little leeway in my direction. And these are usually to places where it’s impossible to breakaway from the group, where we’re sharing a rental car or on a cruise ship or the like; I can’t call an Uber and go my own way.

    I’m writing this from my current vacation with my mom and sister in a country abroad. I thought this would be better being a just girls trip but I’m still at my wits end with them, counting down the days til I can go home. I’m up early wanting to go out while they sleep, they finally get up, we spend two hours site-seeing, and then they’re ready for drinking over dinner and some shopping. The stick-shift rental car means only my Mom can drive it, and when I mentioned taking public transport, my mom did not want me to go, saying it was too far, would cost too much money, we didn’t know how the public transport worked in this country, assured me we’d have time to go to where I wanted to go, which we did about 30 minutes before it closed and had to rush through it. What’s worst is that she and my sister keep talking about how the time is flying by and there’s not enough time to do everything we want to do, and I just want to scream at them that if they got up and dressed before noon, we’d have the time. And every damn day has been like this.

    I’m happy to hang out with them on any other occasion (holidays, weekend trips to visit extended family); it’s just the long, out of town vacations with my family that I dread. I have declined family vacations now and then in the past due to work schedules, which doesn’t bother them. (I was eternally grateful for the last one I skipped because it was an all-included resort where the entire family got drunk every night, definitely something I was glad not to witness) But to constantly refuse trips would probably raise some questions. But I’d rather keep coming up with excuses than be miserable at a location that is meant to be fun. Am I a terrible daughter for wanting to skip these vacations?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      No, you’re not a terrible person. You have a right to not want to have a miserable time. I don’t have advice, but can definitely relate, as this has happened to me twice in the last year.

      I’m very much like you, whereas my cousin (first trip) and sister (second trip)…are not. It was so frustrating with my cousin because she’s a late riser, can’t eat until two hours after her thyroid meds that she takes when she gets up, is much older so doesn’t have as much energy (which is actually no big deal) and eats a lot of junk during the day so isn’t hungry at the agreed-upon meal time. My sister is an earlier riser (a good thing!), but runs on coffee, cigarettes and junk food–she doesn’t really eat meals and isn’t hungry for anything until several hours after she gets up, because the coffee and cigarettes suppress her appetite. And when she does get hungry, it’s a donut here, snack mix there, maybe a brownie, etc. Honestly, it was worse being with my sister–at least my cousin ate actual meals.

      UGH I feel your pain. I basically decided that if I vacation with either of them again, I’m going to make sure I have some protein bars and healthy snacks, and go out on my own if necessary. I’m not going to constantly wait around for someone to want to eat, or hang around waiting for people to get up if there’s something I really want to do–it’s my vacation, too.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        I completely feel you on the meals; we’ve been clashing over that too! My mom and sister prefer to eat a big brunch when they wake up, which makes them even more sluggish and not eager to go out, and then a big long dinner and drinks in the evening. I prefer to eat smaller meals throughout the day so they are confused when I need a small meal between morning and evening.

    2. WellRed*

      You are not terrible, but if you decide to go, you need to take more control over your own schedule. You are a grown woman and if you want to take the local train, take it. Also, can you help plan the destination so you can pick something that works for everyone? Rent more than 1 car?

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        Since it’s a family vacation and my sibs are younger and still dependent on Mom and Dad, my parents are used to making the decisions and don’t want my input. Like I said on this current trip, when I tried to say I could take public transportation to do something else and meet my mom and sister later, my mom was quick to shut that down.

        The conversations about trips usually go ‘Hey, daughter. Here is where we’re going this year. Are you in or not?’ I’m picky about the destination so there’s no need to quarrel on that, it’s activities when we get there that I can’t get them to compromise on.

        1. Chameleon*

          Instead of *suggesting* the idea of doing your own thing and meeting up later, what would happen if you just…did it? When you wake up and they are still sleeping, just leave a note saying “I went out to do X! Have a great brunch and I’ll meet you at Y at 2:00!”

          It’s not like they can stop you; they are asleep!

          1. tangerineRose*

            What Chameleon said. Enjoy your morning stuff while the others sleep in.

            I’m not a morning person, so I can sympathize with wanting to sleep in on vacation, but that shouldn’t require that you sit around and do nothing.

          2. King Friday XIII*

            This! Your mom is still seeing you as a kid but you are an adult, you can decide to ride the train, you can leave the house when you want to. This is a kind of boundary setting you are allowed to do.

          3. Doc in a Box*

            Oh god, if I did this, there would be hell to pay. I’m 33 and still go on annual family vacations with my parents and 30-year-old brother (it’s either that or traveling solo, and I’m such an introvert I’d hate that). My mom is actually really good at planning things that everyone will enjoy, but if either me or my brother go off alone, she freaks out. I think this stems from an incident when we were small and wandered away from her in the mall, but still. I’m working on setting boundaries with her….

            1. Lissa*

              Sorry if I’m misreading, but why would an introvert hate travelling solo? Wouldn’t that be preferred?

              1. Chameleon*

                As an introvert it’s hard make new friends or talk to strangers, so it could get lonely. (I am an introvert who adores traveling solo, but that would be a perspective)

                1. Jojobean*

                  This. I’m an introvert who has been traveling solo the past few years and have found it incredibly lonely. I just…can’t start talking to people. I just can’t.

                  But the alternative is to not travel, so I suck it up and go anyway.

            2. Marion Ravenwood*

              I hear that. When I go on my aforementioned family holiday, my mum always says ‘oh you don’t have to hang around with us, go off and do your own thing!’, but I know that if we actually did do that for more than one day of the week-long trip then we’d never hear the end of it (not from her but from other relatives). Husband and I don’t drive either and the area we go to doesn’t have great public transport, so we’re a bit restricted in where we can go on our own anyway.

              1. Family Travel Dread*

                Yeah that’s exactly what my mom did on this trip. She said ‘This is a girls trip but we can also split up to do our own thing’, but the one time I suggested doing that in a city with public transportation, she flipped out. If there is a next time for me on a family vacation, I think I will just wander out on my own with a note to them that I’ll meet them later, to hell with the consequences.

          4. AcademiaNut*

            That’s what occurs to me.

            Decline to go on trips where you really will be trapped with your family without any options, and go to the ones that are, say, in a city that’s walkable or has public transit. Google makes navigating foreign public transit *waaaay* easier than it used to be (Google “point A to point B” and select the transit option).

            Then, when you’re there, do a bit of research about public transit, museum hours and so on, and prep your stuff before you go to bed. When you wake up early, have a shower, grab your stuff and head out the door, leaving a note saying that you’re spending the morning at X and will be back by time they usually finish brunch and get moving.

            Museums typically tend to open about 9, so you could get a nice walk in a historical area and breakfast at local cafe, or a visit at a morning market, and spend three hours at a museum before joining them. Then, leave them to their drinking in the evening and head back to the hotel.

            But overall, decide how often you are willing to do this for family harmony, and pick the least annoying option – 1 in 3 for example?

          5. Mad Baggins*

            At a recent family get-together here’s what we did with the plan to leave at noon:
            Parents: up by 7am. Gym, eat small breakfast, read and lounge until we left
            Sibling: sleep till 11:30, shower in a rush
            Cousin: left at 7am to take the train downtown. Did some shopping, took the train back and met us at noon
            Me: up at 3 am due to jetlag, gym and leisurely breakfast, nap 10-11am, ready to leave by 12.

            I think every family vacation with adult children should incorporate separate schedules with shared meals/activities/whatever works. Also think of how you vet your friends before deciding to travel together–it’s fine to decide not to travel with your family, or do your own parallel vacation to them!

    3. Reba*

      As my sibs and I entered adulthood the trips gradually (though not always smoothly) transitioned into shorter, more low key get togethers, like a weekend at the beach rather than 10-day trips. Fortunately for me we all seem to have fairly compatible travel styles, but still… It’s ok not to do everything together. Another thing is that once we (offspring) were mostly partnered up, it seemed natural that we would do our “main” vacations with a partner and only have smaller amounts to give to family stuff.

      I know it’s a privilege to even be thinking about the different types of vacations! But that doesn’t mean they are all fun or stress-free.

      You can think about whether you want to have a new-standard-setting conversation, or just continue to decline a lot of them. Or are there ways you can make these kinds of trips work for you–join only for part of the time, do your own thing during the day and meet for dinner? That is, if there are still parts of the trips that you’re getting something rewarding out of, like family closeness, not just to avoid a tough conversation! Good luck.

    4. LCL*

      Here’s a different perspective which doesn’t answer your question but might help. In my family, and in lots of families, family vacations are only a thing with kids at home. Once the kids are on their own, no more family vacations. There will be the occasional one off vacation of a lifetime/special event, but it isn’t expected that grown children will ever vacation with their parents.

      I feel your frustration. By nature I am a night owl, but I work early bird hours. For some vacations and leisure time, I force myself to get up early or otherwise I miss the activity. But I also love sleeping in, having a late breakfast, then after some wandering around having a late dinner and drinks. What you described your family doing would drive me nuts if I was in a place I had never seen.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        I think that vacations with the kids will always be a thing for my parents. My uncle (dad’s brother) still does family vacations with their kids, one of whom is older than me and married. So it’s not entirely an abnormal thing in my family. I think it would be more abnormal for me to set my own schedule or to-do list on the trip but it would certainly be worth it for my own peace of mind, or to just start declining trips more often.

    5. Kj*

      No. Skip them. Vacation is precious and you should do something you enjoy. If you feel obligated to travel with them from time to time, I might plan to meet them for the last day or two of a trip, then after they leave, you go on to do the destination the way you want. But you are under NO obligation to do this. You can just decline to travel with them.

    6. Marion Ravenwood*

      I would say no, you’re not a terrible person. But I’ve been in a similar situation myself for a while, so I understand where you’re coming from. (Long story short, we go away with my family for a week every year, and for various reasons my husband hates it. I’m not wild about it myself, but I tolerate it because it’s basically the only chance I get to see my family.)

      If they’re OK with you occasionally skipping these trips, how would you feel about perhaps not going for the whole holiday? So if they’re going for a week, you go for three or four days, possibly with the excuse of work (or something else) if needed. We did that this year and it actually worked really well (although granted it was partly helped by not seeing one family member who my husband and I don’t really get on with). Obviously this is dependent on where you’re going etc but it might be a good compromise between seeing/spending time with your family and not getting frustrated by being around them all the time.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        I did actually try to plan to join my sister and mom halfway through the trip, to save on my PTO, but they insisted I be here from the start. Since I thought the trip would be more manageable with just us girls, I went with it. But thinking on it, in college, my spring break was different from my siblings’ high school spring break, which was a good excuse for me to skip the trip; but even when I tried to say I could skip one day of class and join for a three day weekend, my parents didn’t think there was much point. They seem to think all or nothing when it comes to vacations.

    7. heckofabecca*

      I just got back on Thursday from a vacation to Italy with my mother—never again!!! (I’m 27 and married—my husband is still working out the school year, but as a uni student I finished ahead of him.) Spending extended time with my mom does not bring out the best in me.

      You are absolutely not a bad person for wanting to spend your time in ways that will be fun and good for you! Vacations are not and should NEVER be an obligation. Especially when you know it will invariably make you be less than your best self towards people you love.

      It’s fine to make excuses to avoid unpleasant experiences, especially if you show in other ways that you still value them—and it sounds like you know exactly the best ways for you to show them that. I hope the rest of your trip passes easily and you’re able to have some fun!

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        Thankfully the trip is coming to an end tomorrow because it has been more frustrating than not. But it was a good lesson that, coupled with the helpful comments here, I think will help me to either form my own schedule on the next family vacation or excuse myself from future invitations. Thank you for the sympathetic comment!

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      I get it. I love my family, but I don’t like them enough to spend that much time with them.

    9. Loves Libraries*

      I can see not wanting to go on an ocean cruise with them. My husband and I are going on a river cruise. It might be easier for all to do their own thing during the day. You would still get museums and history (I love them too) and they could shop on their own or stay on the ship and be lazy.
      On a big city vacation why can’t you call an Uber to go where you want to go or use public transportation?

    10. Manatees are cool*

      I was in a similar situation to you two years ago. My stepfather hates the beach whereas I love the beach, Mum has to march through museums and barely stops to read the information cards. So I got up early and went and did my own thing some days, went to the historical sites and took as much time as I wanted, went to the beach with just Mum whilst my stepdad and brother went and did something else. We still spent time together doing other things and we all had dinner together, just those few hours apart made the holiday happier.

    11. Sunflower*

      I would skip it. It seems like you have significant lifestyle differences with your family. That’s fine, but it probably isn’t going to change and will always be an issue. I also assume that there are other issues that these vacations probably brings up for you. If your family are drinkers and you are not and don’t want to witness it that is pretty significant.

      You also should consider what you are giving up to attend. Even though you parents pay, you might only have so many vacation days. I personally would rather save for a vacation I want.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        Yeah, this vacation, I’m using up most of PTO for it. I was fine when I thought it would be easier to comprise with just my mom and sister, but now right at the end of the trip, I feel each day slipping by and thinking of all the ways I’d rather use it.

        I don’t mind a drink over dinner, but my family definitely drinks to excess. They also love wine tastings and the like but as someone who would rather just a simple rum and coke, I get nothing out of them.

        You put it an excellent way: we have major lifestyle differences that definitely clash on long vacations. Thank you for your thoughts!

    12. Nancie*

      Ugh. I’m in my 50s and still vacation with my parents, but it would never work if they weren’t cool with us sometimes splitting up to do our own things.

    13. dear liza dear liza*

      Yes. What works for me:
      1. The family vacation is not the only vacation I take a year. I frame it more as a family reunion, and expect all the joys and tribulations that entails. Going to see things is secondary, and that’s okay, because I have Cheap But All About Me trip planned for another time.
      2. I go out alone. Others can come with me- or not. But if I’m awake and they’re not, or they want to sit by the pool and I want to explore, then they do them and I do me. During trip planning, I build in my independence. That can mean the rental car we get has to be automatic, or I rent my own car, or that the hotel we stay at is near public transportation. But I will not be trapped. This does require a setting of boundaries that may or may not work for you. Family members put the plan together and then I make it work for me. If my mom expressed concerns about public transportation, I’d say, “I’ll figure it out!” and go on my merry way. But I also know if I didn’t, I’d pout and get resentful and everything would be miserable.

      When I first started going out on my own, I did get some pushback because Family Tiiiiimmmee. But I was just cheerfully independent, and now they’re used to being ditched sometimes.

      1. Bibliovore*

        This. It will be shocking at first, but you do not have to do everything with them. It took me the longest time to say, I will come but don’t buy theater tickets for me. I don’t enjoy sitting for that long a time. I enjoy your company but I am not going to join you on the hike. I will read and see you when you get back. Leaving a note, I am taking the bus into town for coffee and to write, text me when you get up and we can go over the day’s plan.

      2. Family Travel Dread*

        You’re right, I need to push back on being able to do my own thing. My mom even said at the start of the trip that I could my own thing but when I suggested my taking a taxi to do something else, she was completely against it. She assured me that we would get to the thing I wanted to do but still took her time, my sister too, and we got there just before it closed. I need to take a stand about doing my own thing and meeting up with them later. Thank you!

    14. Blue Eagle*

      You sound just like me. How about you skip the vacation with your family, I’ll skip the vacation with my family and we can go on a vacation where we get up early and sightsee and check out all of the cool places in the vacation location and just skip all of the drinking and “partying”.

      If your family’s idea of vacation is not your idea of vacation, why would you waste your limited vacation time from work (even if someone else is paying for it) to do something that you do not enjoy? My advice – skip the family vacation to do what you enjoy and do NOT feel guilty about it.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        Yes please, I love this idea! I much more prefer to vacation with my friends; we have much more similar vacation styles, and we don’t take offense if we do split the group.

        You hit the nail on the head with the paid vacation. I guess I feel more inclined to say yes because I know I’m not in a position to afford vacations to these abroad locations on my own for the next few years but I think at this point, I’d rather a cheaper local vacation of getting to do what I want than being miserable abroad in the UK, Virgin Islands, or what have you.

    15. TheLiz*

      You should skip these. You hate them, and it’s not exactly quality time if you’re sniping at each other. While you’re still where ever you are, consider “I’m waking up and going out two hours before you guys are even up – I’ll meet y’all for lunch.” I got some mileage out of this when on a party weekend-type deal with friends. I wanted to hit some museums, they wanted to see the biggest sights then drink all evening. We spent afternoons and evenings together, and I tanked the lost sleep. If your parent says public transport will cost too much, tell her you’ll pay out of your own pocket – I suspect you’ll find the money lost well worth it for the de-stressing.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        Oh I was definitely going to pay my own way when I suggested to my mom that I meet up with her and Sister later, but she still didn’t want me to do it. I should have stood my ground but I didn’t want to start an argument when we were going to be stuck in the rental car later that day for two hours headed to our next destination. I think if I do go on another family trip, I will have to make my parents agree in advance that I can do my own thing and meet them later, so then I have something to push back on if they try to stop me.

        Thank you for the thoughts!

        1. Bibliovore*

          try to divorce the money from obligation. It seems that your mom has money and you don’t. It also seems that you do want to go on these trips but feel trapped. What helps me is to see my part. Instead of trying to compromise and negotiate, make your own plan. “starting an argument” “make my parents agree”d. I have been married for over thirty years. The best advice that I ever got in terms of relationships is that you don’t have to participate in every fight that you are invited to.
          It sounds like your family wants to be with you. To me that is great.
          It also sounds like you have people pleasing tendencies. Perhaps work on that.
          Write down what makes a trip great for you and see if there is match. if not, perhaps pass on one.

        2. ..Kat..*

          I think the problem is family dynamics. You try to be an adult, take a cab to event, and you let your mom veto it. You could have taken a cab, they could have met you there later. You suggest you do reasonable, adult thing, you let your mom veto it. And you are miserable. You will probably be happier taking your own vacations for now. When your mom treats you like an adult (and when you don’t let her treat you like a child who is not allowed to make her own decisions), you can have pleasant vacations together.. I am trying to think of a way to say this that doesn’t sound harsh, but am failing. This is a common family dynamic for young adult children. Your mom is happy with the results, you are not. So, you are going to have to do the work. Part of the problem seems to be that you feel you have to get your mom to agree with you before you do what you want. But, you don’t.

          1. Family Travel Dread*

            I totally get what you’re saying and you’re not being too harsh about it. I normally don’t have a problem making plans with my family that work for all of us, with me meeting them for meals or day outings now and then. I think the problem with the abroad family vacation is that, since my mom paid for it, I’m more inclined to do what she wants to do. She and my Dad paid for the flights, the rental car, the hotels, the food that we’ve eaten. Since they’re paying for it all, I feel bad saying ‘Thanks for spending your money on me to be here with you, now I’m going to go off and do my own thing away from all of you’.

            So though it would have been my own money for me to take a cab and go do my own outing, and meet with my mom and sister later, I still felt like I should go with my mom’s wish for me to stay, since my entire presence on the trip is on her dollar. Im definitely happier taking my own vacations, and I do plenty on my own; it’s just the big annual family vacation that I’m thinking of skipping if there’s no way to salvage my own enjoyment from it.

            1. ..Kat..*

              I see what you are saying. My husband and I passed on a 2 week vacation to a really nice overseas place with my parents and family. My parents would pay for pretty much everything. But, I would have been trapped doing exactly what my parents wanted when they wanted. This would have been horrible for me (even if you forget the fact that my parents are toxic and abusive to me). So, my husband and I passed. One of the best decisions that I have ever made.

              1. Family Travel Dread*

                I don’t have a family history like you do but you’re right about the trapped feeling. Right now I’m hiding in my room, headphones to full blast, to drown out my mom and sister drinking and laughing loudly, nearing midnight, in the kitchenette. I have felt incredibly trapped this entire trip, from the stick-shift rental car only my mom can drive so she sets the timing of our comings and goings to being dragged along to every meal, when I’d be happy with a book in a quiet cafe, people-watching.

                And no lie, as I’m typing this, my mom tipsily wandered into my room to kiss me and say how happy she is that I was on this trip and she’s had a great time and she loves me. I smiled, nodded, and confirmed the time of our flights tomorrow when all I want to do is scream at her that I have been miserable all this trip and never want to travel with her again, no matter if she is picking up the bill.

        3. Southernbelle*

          See, the thing is, you don’t need your family’s consent for you to do your own thing. You need to want to do it more than you *don’t* want their disapproval/hurt feelings/whatever. Your boundary is “I’m doing X instead” and maybe their boundary is “we’re not paying for your trip next year” and those are both okay!

        4. Rusty Shackelford*

          I think if I do go on another family trip, I will have to make my parents agree in advance that I can do my own thing and meet them later, so then I have something to push back on if they try to stop me.

          But it sounds like you already had that agreement for this trip, didn’t you?

    16. Cruciatus*

      I wouldn’t stop them…yet! Keep that idea in your back pocket. But first, without asking permission tell everyone you’re going to X at 8am if anyone wants to join you, but otherwise you can meet everyone at 11 for brunch (or whatever). See if you can claim some of the vacation back for yourself first and see how they take it. If it all goes over badly the rest of this trip then, OK, be done! But maybe you’ll find that once they get used to the idea of you doing your own thing it becomes less of a big deal.

      1. Family Travel Dread*

        That’s a really good point! Start doing my own thing on the next trip and if they make a fuss, then start bowing out completely. I think that sounds like a great idea.

        1. tangerineRose*

          If you bow out of family vacations a few times, your family members may be more likely to give you more freedom if you decide to join again.

        2. Cruciatus*

          Why wait until your next trip? If you’re still traveling, try something now! Worst case scenario you’re near the end of your trip so at least it’ll be over soon if it doesn’t go well. But maybe you can get a few days to do things you want to do. Good luck!

    17. I'm A Little Teapot*

      do your own vacations. If they get upset, just tell them that you’ve realized that they and you have very different vacationing styles, they don’t mix well, and you want them to enjoy themselves without having to fuss with you.

    18. Beth Anne*

      I think you need to create some boundaries. I still vacation with my family and love it but I know it’s not for everyone. One thing I might do in your shoes is maybe getting your own hotel room and meet up with them at certain times.

      Our next family vacation is a cruise which I love because we all have our own rooms and for the most part during the day do our own thing and just have dinner together.

    19. Mamaganoush*

      Why are you waiting for them to wake up? Get up, go out, do your thing, come back after they’ve had breakfast, go out and do something with them.

    20. Pat Benetardis*

      This is so interesting, as a mother of teens. I do try to plan our trips so there is something for everyone. And often I am up for 4-5 hours in the am before others are up and I go for a walk or something. But when we have planned something for the day, I expect everyone to get up and get going. I’m pretty sure that when they’re grown, if I’m still paying/they’re still coming, it’s going to be because I want to spend time with them. But I still think I’d plan trips with everyone’s tastes in mind. But also, my dime, my itinerary. Although we shared a beach house with extended family and basically everyone was on their own for the day if they wanted, meeting up for dinner.

    21. Environmental Compliance*

      I feel ya. I’m at that point with the in-laws. They’re very kind & inclusive, but I cannot travel with my MIL. She drives me batty. Last vacation, her, FIL, Hubs and I ended up sharing a hotel room (never again!). Every damn morning at 6:30 she’d walk/trip into our bed repeatedly to open the curtains on the window because she wanted some sun. But she’d also be up until past midnight with a light on reading- and she’s a *loud* reader, lots of sighing and crinkly page turning. I’m on vacation, I want to sleep more than 5 hours a night! She also planned literally nothing but taking our nephew (SIL & family were there too) to the beach, which is fine and dandy, but I don’t want to watch a 2 year old play in the beach for five days straight. I’d like to go into the town and see things, or anything but sit on the sand in a swimsuit handing a toddler plastic toys repeatedly. But leaving to go do anything but what she planned offended her. We left and did our own thing a couple times anyway, since we like having lunch at lunch time (normal meal times mean nothing to her, and she’s infamous for skipping breakfast & lunch, but then 3PM is too close to dinner to finally get food), but her attitude at it kinda ruined the whole thing.

      I also almost left her on a train station in Germany because she gave us <10 minutes to get to an entirely different platform across the station and then wouldn't trust me in reading platform signs & the ticket. She wanted to stop, unpack, get a snack, and read the station map & AAA itinerary first. The entire time leading up to that trip she waxed poetic on how I could be their travel guide since I'm conversational in German and none of the rest of them speak much at all. But once we get there, nooooooo, don't listen to EC, we'll just miss our damn train instead. (We didn't miss the train, as FIL near dragged her after me & Hubs to the platform just in time to get on the train we needed.)

  25. The Other Dawn*

    I’m looking for book recommendations. I just read a post-apocalyptic book (a pandemic, similar to Walking Dead with no zombies) and I really enjoyed it. I’m now only book 2. While I really liked the one I just read, the editing is…not so good..and it was distracting. For some reason, I’ve always enjoyed movies that involve disaster on an epic scale, like 2012, Day After Tomorrow, Armageddon, and stuff like that. I’d like to read more, but want to find good ones.

    On another note, I am finally going to meet my two favorite authors: Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child! They’re coming to my state for a lecture and book signing in a couple weeks. I’ve been waiting years for this. Every time they come anyway semi-close, like NY, it’s during the day and I have to work, and it always ends up that there’s something going on at work and I can’t take the time off. The stars have finally aligned and I’m able to go (and it’s only 30 minutes away!), so I got my tickets. The price of the ticket includes the new book, The Pharaoh Key, which they’ll personalize after the lecture.

    2. Chameleon*

      Ooh, you might like Daniel DeFoe’s Journal of the Plague Year. It’s not exactly a disaster book, but it is basically about how society reacts to a major disaster (the plague, obv.) Language and pacing are a little old-fashioned as it was written in the late 1600s, but it is one of my favorites. Then again, I’m a little weird.

    3. Hellanon*

      Have you read the CJ Sansom series set during the Tudor era? Meticulously well researched & written, and the central character, Matthew Shardlake, is really well drawn. I read them all & recommended them into my circle of dedicated reader friends, and they were well-received…

    4. Rainy*

      The Mira Grant Newsflesh books and novellas are fantastic if you at all like zombies. And of course, I highly recommend anything by Sheri Tepper. Most of her books are near- or far-future, and if you like post-apocalyptic stuff I think you’ll like her. I’d start with The Gate to Women’s Country. I think you’ll like it.

      1. Claire (Scotland)*

        Seconding the recc for the Newsflesh universe, and adding one for Into the Drowning Deep by the same author if you are up for disaster involving mermaids.

      3. Bookwyrm*

        I fourth the Newsflesh books!

        I still haven’t been able to read the most recent book because it parallels some current events in the world that are too upsetting for me to read but the original trilogy and all the novellas are wonderful! I love the story so much! Plus the author, Mira Grant, AKA Seanan McGuire, is a delight and a riot at conventions. Definitely look up her panels on youTube if you have some downtime.

      4. King Friday XIII*

        Yep, I was also scrolling down to see who’d beaten me to recommending Mira Grant.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Some good recommendations here, thank you! I what I like about these books, is how society totally breaks down, and how mankind rebuilds and goes on. I really got into the Wayward Pines series by Blake Crouch. It’s not disaster per se, but it’s about survival. I’ve read The Stand by Stephen King, and Swan Song by Robert McCammon. I just read Infection by MP MacDonald, and I’m now reading Isolation, which is the second book in that series. I don’t think I’ve read any others.

      1. the gold digger*

        That’s one of the saddest books I’ve ever read. What do you do when you know you have three months? Do you still plant tomatoes?

        (Shute’s other books are very good, as well.)

        1. Logan*

          Agreed, although I think it speaks well to a lot of life these days – we only have one life, and we don’t know how long it is, so do what makes you happy.

          And I’d still plant tomatoes – I planted mine two months ago and their flowers yesterday delighted me!

    8. Bookwyrm*

      Please please PLEASE read Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel. It’s the only book that I bought multiple copies of to give away as Christmas gifts. It’s an apocalyptic story that is so beautifully written, I would reread passages just to appreciate how they were written. I can’t recommend this book enough, it is my go-to recommendation.

      2. Amey*

        Me too! I read this last year and gave it to three different people for Christmas. I’m not sure I’ve ever done that.

    9. Ali G*

      Have you read Wool (and the subsequent books)? I can’t remember the name of the author right now, but it sounds like something you would like.

      1. Windchime*

        Hugh Howie! I love Wool, and Dust, and all the other Silo books by him.

        Also, there is a post-apocolyptic series by Justin Cronin that starts with the book “Passage” that you might like. Also, and oldie-but-goodie that I just recently re-read was “A Gift Upon the Shore”.

    10. Cruciatus*

      The Passage trilogy by Justin Cronin. (This is being turned into a TV show with Mark-Paul Gosselaar and I’m not sure how I feel about that. The promo I’ve seen makes it look like a different kind of show, but I do really recommend the books! The stuff in the promo DOES happen, but other stuff is happening too and they didn’t really show that.) It’s not quite similar to the books you mentioned–more post-apocalyptic though you see what happens before, during, and after. I just read something that compares it to The Stand (which, I KNOW, I KNOW, I’ve never read. So you might like this if you haven’t read it already).

      1. Windchime*

        I just mentioned the Justin Cronin books, too. I thought they were so good. Terrifying but good.

    11. kirbyjane*

      I recently read Fever by Deon Myer and really enjoyed it. The story is told by a kid who is growing up during the aftermath of a pandemic while his father is trying to rebuild society, so there is an interesting relationship element to it.

    12. catsaway*

      New York 2140. Not a 100% apocalypse, but takes place in NYC after climate change has wrecked havoc and killed millions of people worldwide. It’s more political intrigue and mystery and I really liked it because it’s more about the generation after an apocalypse, not the event itself.

    13. Foreign Octopus*

      Maybe try Girl With All the Gifts by M.R. Carey. It’s a post-apocalyptic novel that I enjoyed – it’s kind of Walking Dead-esque, I think, because it’s more character driven and there are bursts of action in it.

    14. Anonymosity*

      You’re meeting Preston and Child!? AAAAHHHHHHH I AM SO JEALOUS I LOVE THEM ENJOY!!!!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, and I’m so excited!! The new book is from the Gideon Crew series…that I haven’t read yet, but I won’t tell them that! It seems every time they go out on a tour they either don’t come anywhere near my state, or they do and I can’t for some reason. A soon as I saw it in my Facebook feed I jumped right on it.

    15. Anonymosity*

      I’m working on one but of course by the time I finish the industry will have moved on. *eyeroll*

    16. Llellayena*

      Parable of the Talents and Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler. Also, slightly different but still has some post-apocalyptic, Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus by Orson Scott Card (my favorite author!).

    17. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks for all the recommendations! I’ve added every single one of them to Goodreads as a “want to read.” Just have to say that I’m so happy I discovered Good Reads. I can now keep track of all the books I’ve read. It’s getting to the point where I can’t remember if I read a book or not, so I download it and start reading, only to discover that I’ve read it. (I have a crappy memory)

    18. A Million Streetlights*

      I love post apocalyptic fiction!

      I would totally recommend many of the books already mentioned, and maybe add a couple of older classics – I Am Legend by Richard Matheson, and Day Of The Triffids by John Wyndham.

      For newer options, I really enjoyed The World After by D L Gore, and loved Freakangels by Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield. Freakangels is still available to read for free online, although it is also available in book format.

      I have added to my own reading list as a result of this thread, thank you!

      1. Ellie*

        I cannot even contain my jealousy st you getting to meet Preston and Child. They are NEVER EVEN CLOSE to me.

        And have you read James Rollins?

  26. Chameleon*

    So, I just found out that the neighbors in back of us have two kids just about our daughter’s age (3.5). I’d love to get them together for playdates, but I am pathologically shy and the very thought of knocking on the door of total strangers (and from a different culture, which isn’t a problem but makes me worried even more that I’ll do something dumb or be unwelcome) seizes up my whole throat.

    Shy parents, how do you deal with making friends for your kids?

    1. KatieKate*

      Can you invite them out somewhere, like a park? Or invite them over? Something low barrier so you can get to know each other.

      1. Chameleon*

        Mmm…the idea of actually spending time in awkward silence with them is way worse than just knocking on the door and saying “hey if the kids want to come over send them.”

        1. Bethany D.*

          It’s not easy for me either, but I have to make the effort because my extroverted daughter needs more friend-time than I can give her. I know that it’s awkward to interact with a strange adult, but sending your kids over to play at the house of a complete stranger is rather risky. You have no idea what they are really like or who else might be present. And inviting their kids over without making the slightest effort to get to know the parents first is a lot less likely to be successful than if you actually tried to get to know them first.
          What I would recommend is manufacturing a reason to get to know them. A plate of extra banana bread, a hey we’re walking to the park would you like to go with us, an invitation to a dolls tea party at your house – something that will give you a specific role to play. And as a shy person I’ve found that putting together a short script to follow helps too; like practicing my introduction, three to five questions to keep the conversation flowing, and then a smooth excuse to get back to my nice safe housework before my confidence oozes away.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      Do you ever see their kids outside playing? I’m totally awkward with this stuff, but it ended up happening on its own when we’ve gone outside to play and their kids have been out as well.

      1. Chameleon*

        Their backyard buts up against our backyard (so we are actually on different streets). The fence is tall and wood, but there is a loose board that the kids have sometimes actually crawled through to fetch a waylaid ball. I just don’t really see the parents except occasionally they come out to the back porch to yell at the kids for three seconds and then go back inside. I’d be happy to let the kids just come over and play but I feel like I should talk to the parents about it first…

    3. Anono-me*

      Does your neighborhood have a web or Facebook site ? If so, you may be able to use it to reach out to these neighbors and/or others with a post.

    4. Ann O.*

      Failure, mostly. :( My daughter has met two kids on our block in a totally natural way, and we’ve utterly failed to follow up on exchanging contact info for play dates and the like.

      Our plan has been to send letters with our email address and something along the lines of “hey, our kids are around the same age and liked playing with each other–if you ever want to send them over to play, they’re welcome”. Maybe one day we’ll actually do it. :)

    5. Self employed*

      The least weird thing is to go over with a plate of cookies, say hey, and bring your kids. Just take five minutes and you’re going to come across as friendly! Think about the upside and go for it!

  27. Lcsa99*

    So our clothes hamper sucks. The first week we had it, one of the wheels fell off. I tried to re attach it but they don’t work, and the handle broke off as well. I know we should just toss it and get another, but we haven’t found anything we like better that were willing to pay that price (why is something that’s essentially a giant bucket so expensive?). So I am thinking if I attach casters to the bottom it will at least make the thing a little easier to use. I am fairly handy, and have a decent tool collection, so my question is: Is it actually possible to drill through pretty thick plastic to get the things attached? Is there something I should do to help them stay? Is there a certain type I should look for?

    Or am I being crazy and I should suck it up and just keep looking for a new one?

    1. heckofabecca*

      My mom uses a rolling shopping cart, the kind that folds up, and it’s very sturdy! Depending on what exactly you’re looking for, that may be an option. Hope you find something that works!!

      1. Release the horcuxes*

        I hate it when products are so shoddily made! I bought an umbrella on Amazon, opened it and it broke in half.

    2. Arrnanon*

      Plastic is easy to drill. You’ll probably want washers or something else to reinforce at the attachment point since plastic fatigues easily (likely why you’re having problems to begin with!)

      A piece of plywood glued to the whole bottom is probably really your best bet for sturdiness but that’s a big weight add.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Thanks! I do think the plywood would be too much, but getting washers is easy enough. I would assume plastic screws/washers would hold on better, but metal wouldn’t break off as easily.

    3. CAA*

      Do you need wheels and a handle? If you’re not actually rolling it anywhere, I’d just take all the other wheels off.

      If you’re looking for something new, I can recommend the Simple Human double hamper. It has two bags, so you sort the laundry as you put it in, then when full you just grab each bag by its handles and lift it from the frame and take it to the laundry room. The frame is steel and the whole thing is very sturdy. Ours looks like new after over 4 years of use.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, I have something like this (but cheaper than Simple Human and plastic, which I did tape together at some point). The hamper rack stays put and I just carry the bags around.

      2. Lcsa99*

        Don’t care about the handle but the wheels are important for the convenience. Would rather push something around than carry heavy bags of laundry

  28. Beth Jacobs*

    Has anyone ever tried speed dating? I’ve only seen it in movies, but apparently it’s a real thing: the girls sit at tables and the guys move every five minutes. You get some ten mini-dates in one night. In the under-30 category, there appears to be fewer women than men, so it’s significantly cheaper for us :)

    I’m probably going to give it a shot, considering the fact that the way my social life is set up now, I tend to hang out with a closed group of friends rather than meet new people. Not going in with high expectations, but at the very least, I’ll have a story to tell :)

    1. Kj*

      I haven’t, but my brother has and he reported it was better than online dating. Apparently though the women tend to come in groups and some of them aren’t very interested in the dating part- he had one woman who just quizzed him about weird stuff (best one was when she asked “what would you do if a bear came at you in the woods?- my brother spent the last 3 years in AK, he had so many specifics to that one!) . Most speed dating things are done by age group, so if you are on the lower or older age of the speed dating event, it can be a little weird, per my brother. But he reported it was mostly fun and he has had a few dates from it.

    2. D.W.*

      I did it in South Korea when I was living there. My intention was not to find someone to date, but to find folks to hang out with. It was a ton a fun, a little exhausting (50 men) and I actually met a lot of people who I’m still really good friends with!

      I did go out on a few dates after that as well, but my goal was to make friends and I did that.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I’ve done it a lot. It’s a fun way to kill an evening. Usually the women get a free drink, so that’s a nice bonus. I haven’t had a real relationship come of it, though.

    4. Elegance*

      I have! The other women and I got along really well (we had never met before) and had fun talking to the guys. I got a few dates out of it.

    5. Sherm*

      I did it once. It was fun, and everyone was normal. I think whoever invented it was on to something — you can usually tell within a few minutes whether you have a possible connection with someone else. I didn’t get any dates out of it though, but I met some interesting (in a good way!) people, and I still reflect on one of the conversations from time to time.

    6. HannahS*

      I did! It was fine but totally exhausting. Low stakes, and I got a couple of dates out of it.

    7. DietCokeHead*

      I did try speed dating once. I believe that women outnumbered men and I remember one guy saying he had found the activity on meetup or something similar. I remember having to rate each guy if I was interested or not and then the service followed up if both parties were interested. I didn’t get any dates out of it but I would say it is worth a shot. You never know!

    9. LibbyG*

      A friend told me once that she appreciated the speed dating event because she briefly met in person a lot of the people she was also seeing online. I guess a lot of people do both in our medium-sized city? So between the interaction at the event and the more extensive background/values statements online, she could really get acquainted with folks in a low stakes way.

    10. Clever Name*

      How do you find speed dating events? I might give that a try. I’ve been online dating for a few months and I’m finding it a slog. Plenty of guys are interested in me but I’m not interested in them. :( I’m finding very few guys I’m interested in on those sites.

      1. Beth Jacobs*

        I just Googled “speed dating [City]” and a couple of agencies that host regular events popped up.

    11. Felicia*

      I have done it but I’m a lesbian so it was all ladies and everyone moved around . They’ve all been ok. I made one of my very good friends through speed dating 5 years ago.

    12. Yah*

      I’ve gone to three speed dating events (to meet a guy). I ended up becoming friends with two girls from two of the events. I dated one guy, and even though it didn’t work out romantically (incompatible lifestyles), intellectually we were very similar and so we decided to be friends.

      Basically, speed dating got me new friends, which is pretty awesome.

  29. Manatees are cool*

    Day after tomorrow me and my boyfriend are off to Amsterdam for three days on our first trip abroad together. I’m so excited, we’ve booked tickets for the Anne Frank Museum, and I’ve been learning basic Dutch phrases, it’s easy because it is surprisingly very close to English with words like hello being hallo, thank you is dank je and coffee is koffie.

    1. Loves Libraries*

      Enjoy your trip. I would love to see the Anne Frank house and the Rijksmuseum.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Have fun! I quite enjoyed the river tour boat tour along the canals – it’s a good chance to sit down and rest your feet for a while. The level of English in the Netherlands is really high, so if you’ve got hello and thank-you you’ll do fine.

        1. Thlayli*

          Yeah I wouldnt worry about learning the language at all. I tried to use Dutch in Amsterdam and all the locals just spoke to me In English constantly so I gave up. It’s highly unlikely you would be in a situation where English doesn’t suffice.

    2. tab*

      You’ll enjoy it. When we went we did a self guided walking tour of the Jordaan neighborhood, which is near the Anne Frank house. You can find it on Frommers.

    3. LCL*

      And after the Anne Frank House, the Heineken museum. It was either that or go back to the hotel and stay depressed all day.

  30. D.W.*

    Indoor Gardening Thread!

    I’m from the South, but I know live in an apartment, in a metropolitan NE city, and I desperately long for a yard so I can start gardening. This would be my first time doing so.

    Are there any people in the same situation who have had success with indoor gardening? What thrives in that environment? What tools should I invest in? The only outdoor “space” I have is a fire escape.

    Hoping to grow some herbs, garlic, peppers, and anything else that can survive without a lot of fuss.

      1. Kitty Kai*

        I’m trying out growing on a small patio this year too! My biggest problem is keeping the squirrels from eating my tomatoes. Still haven’t figured out that yet.

        If you want to try to grow out on the fire escape check with the landlord to see if you can use that space first. If you can, be aware fire escapes get really hot and can fry plants if you’re not careful. They are great spaces for cacti, which are easy to for too!

        For indoor veggies, I would recommend veggies like radishes, green onions, garlic, smaller cherry tomatoes like Tiny Tim, and smaller hot pepper plants. The peppers and tomatoes will need good light from a south or west facing window though. Herbs are more forgiving than veggies, so you could have a window box on the inside of your window sill for herbs in any window except a north facing window.

        For easy care houseplants in small spaces I recommend cacti (if you have good sunlight), Hoyas, ZZ plants, and snake plants. They do best if you ignore them.

        Good grow lights are a good investment, as are moisture meters if you worry about watering and having enough light.

        1. Natalie*

          Squirrels will be the bane of your existence forever, I’m afraid. It’s a never ending war!

          If your local squirrels haven’t been desensitized to it, try hot pepper wax sprayed onto the plant. (You can buy it online.)

          Otherwise, the best option to keep them away is some kind of cage around the plants.

    2. Chameleon*

      I don’t know the situation, but in many cities there is either some common room on the roof, or community gardens that you can join where they give you a little patch to call your own.

    3. Doc in a Box*

      I’m about to do the opposite move as you (metropolitan NE city apartment with a small balcony to mid-sized Southern suburban house with a yard). I only know how to garden in pots!

      I’d avoid setting anything on the fire escape, it may be in violation of your lease and could be dangerous in case of an actual fire. Do you have a south or west facing window? Line up small potted herbs along that. Trader Joe’s has seedlings that usually do pretty well indoors.

    4. Ali G*

      Herbs are great for growing indoors. You can get one of those large cheap plastic window boxes and get 4-5 different kinds in it. They don’t like a lot of strong sun so they are great for indoors. If you want to use your fire escape, I recommend getting some home depot buckets for your peppers and you could also do tomatoes. I did this when I just had a balcony to grow stuff on. Peppers and tomatoes both need a lot of sun and water. Be prepared to water them almost everyday if they are in a pot and getting a lot of sun.
      Also lettuces do great 100% indoors because they like cooler weather. You can grow them in large tine cans (like the 28 oz canned tomato size).
      Get a high quality, organic potting soil and a trowel. You’ll also need a good watering can. You will be doing a lot of watering :)
      Good luck!

    5. Earthwalker*

      We dumped decomposed oak mold into trashbag-lined fruit crates and old bakery buckets and grew an amazing garden on a tiny balcony – peppers, lettuce, radishes, cucumbers, tomatoes, even muskmelon. I also had some good luck growing lettuce and greens in dishpans full of potting soil on the windowsill behind the sink. Just be sure to get really good soil, light composty stuff.

  31. Gas Hog*

    Are there any mechanically-inclined car people on AAM? I have a minor question that I’m curious about.

    I have a ten year old Acura, just over 80,000 miles, and it has required minimal repairs over the years. The engine still runs absolutely perfectly, the car still has the same amount of pep as it did when new, but the gas mileage has fallen off by 15-20 percent. I used to get about 30 miles per gallon on trips and now get about 25-26, and used to get about 20-21 mpg in city driving and now get about 18.

    On the Richter scale of things that can go wrong with cars, this doesn’t really rate and I realize how extraordinarily lucky I’ve been on the car front, but I’m planning to do quite a bit of driving this summer and I’m concerned about needing an untimely major repair. Is it just part of a car’s natural aging process that the engine becomes less fuel efficient over time? Or is the decrease in gas mileage a sign that I should brace myself for repairs? I’m not much of a car person and I’m not maniacal with maintenance, but I replace the engine air filter when it’s recommended that I do so, try to keep the right tire pressure, and use the type of fuel and oil that is recommended for the car. Thanks, everyone.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am not much of a mechanic, but I wondered if the gas lines are leaking just a bit.
      I had a dramatic instance happen. I bought gas. The tank was full. I went less than 5 miles, the tank dropped by 25%. I looked out my rear view. There was a steady line of gas along the road where I had been. It was a bad gas line.
      Maybe you can slide a piece of cardboard under the car on a dry night and check the cardboard for drips in the morning.
      I was told on older cars sometimes the gas lines have to be replaced.

    2. Ali G*

      Your fuel injectors might be getting clogged. do you know if they have ever been cleaned? If the fuel is clogging in the injectors then it’s not getting to the engine to fuel it and it’s just wasted.
      If you have a mechanic you trust, you can call and see what they say.

    3. Free Meerkats*

      How long has it been since the fuel filter was changed. It’s cheap and simple to do and can mimic dirty injectors. If that doesn’t fix it, I’d get a fuel pressure check to eliminate a weak fuel pump and, as Ali said, get the injectors cleaned.

    4. Cristina in England*

      A full service should take care of some of what you describe. If you think about your teeth, you can brush and floss every day but the dentist has special tools that can clean your teeth much more thoroughly than you can at home.

    5. Gas Hog*

      Thanks for the responses! To address them:
      –I’m certain my fuel lines are not leaking. That’s scary though!
      –I don’t believe I’ve ever changed my fuel filter or cleaned my fuel injectors! The mechanics I’ve used (whom I haven’t been crazy about, to be honest) constantly have tried to upsell me on things I haven’t needed, but never mentioned those things. I don’t believe I’ve ever changed my spark plugs, either.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        cleaning fuel injectors I believe just involves dumping a bottle of something into your full gas tank and then driving as usual. Trip to the auto store should take care of it.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Look up the maintenance schedule for your car online. You have been skipping basic maintenance that needs to be done. And definitely should be done before a big trip. Do you have Angie’s List where you live? They can help you find a good mechanic.

        1. Roja*

          That’s what I was thinking too. I have a Subaru and follow their 30/60/90,000 mile checks. I’m a bit overdue now for the 90,000 but it’s really good knowing that all the maintenance stuff gets done on schedule. I’m assuming other car brands must do the same thing, so get a mechanic, a good one, and ask what needs to be done preventatively (but do your own research beforehand so you have a rough idea).

        2. LCL*

          Yes, check the specific schedule. Your car may be due for timing belt and water pump replacement, that’s not one to put off.

    6. Mechanic's wife*

      Are you using the same gas station? I’m thinking you need spark plugs and wires. It’s possible your injectors are dirty but plugs and wires are the easiest way to start.

      Source: my spouse is a former Honda mechanic. If you aren’t a car person, Honda makes Acura.

    7. Thlayli*

      I highly recommend that everyone buy the Haynes manual for their specific brand (and year) of car. Haynes manuals are awesome.

  32. Sockpuppy*

    I hate going to the dentist. I had some traumatic dental experiences as a child, and I became pretty phobic. It used to be so bad that just hearing a dental drill would make me burst into tears. But over time, it’s gotten better.

    Except we recently did a long-distance move, and I had to pick a new dentist. I went in for a check up this week and just melted down. Truth be told, I’m stressed to the max because of the move and all it entailed, and hearing that I need some dental work was more than I could handle.

    I’d worked up a level of trust with my previous dentist, who had told me at my last cleaning that this type of work was in my near future and I didn’t panic. But now the thought of going through it with a new dentist is petrifying. (I’ve narrowed it down to the length of time. One procedure will be short and that doesn’t bother me. The other one will take a while and the idea of someone monkeying around in my mouth for a long time sets me off.)

    I had told the hygienist and put in my paperwork that I was “fairly phobic,” and while she didn’t scoff or make light of it, I didn’t hear any concrete suggestions as to how to combat it either. Should I ask for All The Drugs? Fly back to my old dentist for all treatment? Other ideas?

    1. CatCat*

      Hello, fellow dentalphobe,

      Getting a patient dentist who is good with nervous patients is key. Hard to find a new dentist, but with yelp and everything, it’s so much easier to find such dentists.

      And for some work, you might just want to get the gas. I need it for any kind of procedure that involves drilling. The heightened stress actually impacts the numbing agent so the gas is critical for me to relax. I prefer the gas to other options because it acts quickly and dissipates quickly so you don’t need someone to take you to/from the dentist.

      It’s like $75 more when I get the gas but sooooo worth it.

    2. grace*

      They won’t make fun of you, but if your phobia is such that you’ll have a hard time staying still or keeping your mouth open, you might ask for a script for some relaxant or to have laughing gas for the longer appt.

      They deal with this all the time, but that means that unless you specifically ask for help, they’ll probably assume you have your own ways of dealing. So talk to them about it at the next appt so you can have everything squared away. Or call them :)

    3. Bibliovore*

      Ask your old dentist for words to communicate to your new dentist.
      What works for me- a small amount of Ativan the night before and an hour before the appt.
      over the ear head phones and a mix of “dentist office music” Loud rock and roll- Springsteen, Meatloaf, Show tunes.
      Layers of clothes- My dentist has in the chart , a warm blanket.
      Ask for gum numbing gel for before the Novocain shot.

      Have a hand signal ready for if you need a break.

    4. Red Reader*

      When I need dental work done, I set aside a whole day, ask my housemate to drive me to and fro, and my dentist calls me in a dose of triazolam. It’s a benzodiazepine that both massively relaxes you and also serves as an amnesiac, so while you’re cooperative and responsive to the dentist’s direction, you also won’t remember any of it later. Also way cheaper than gas or IV sedation, and it does the trick for dental surgery as well as more basic procedures.

    5. Loves Libraries*

      I hate the dentist too. When he has to do work on me we are all happier if I have Valium and laughing gas. At one point I told him childbirth was easier for me. My anxiety has declined over time. I’m 53.

    6. periwinkle*

      Ask the dentist for suggestions. Ask the hygienist for suggestions. If neither are helpful, find another provider. Don’t settle for describing yourself as “fairly phobic” – be specific about what makes you anxious, how you respond, and what your previous provider did that helped.

      I’ll second the recommendation to check out Yelp reviews. There’s a lot of stupid reviews out there, true, so look for patterns in the reviews.

      My dentist offers “painless” dentistry and a lot of modern technology to make the experience easier. This is reflected in his prices, but that’s fair! He uses a Solea CO2 laser setup for procedures traditional performed with drilling, and some sort of camera system that replaces X-rays. Maybe it would help you to find a dentist who is working with new technologies?

    7. ..Kat..*

      Your dentist and hygienist may not remember what is in your chart! Remind them every time you make an appointment and every time you show up for an appointment.

      Also, if you do any of the calming medications that people are recommending, please be safe and have someone you know drive you.

    8. smoke tree*

      I think there are dentist’s offices that specialize in treating people with dentist phobias–maybe you could see if such a thing exists reasonably close to you? It’s probably more expensive than a regular dentist but it sounds like it might be worth it.

    9. Windchime*

      I’m a dental-phobic also. A few years ago, I had several old filling start to fail and my teeth were in constant pain. I hadn’t been to the dentist for several years. It’s counter-intiutive and it might not work for you, but what helped me was to actually read about dental phobia. I learned that there are tons of new techniques and drugs and somehow that helped me.

      Also, my dentist knows I am a baby and they treat me with kid gloves. When I had to have dental surgery last year, they referred me to a guy who used sedation and it was a piece of cake.

      Finally, if you didn’t feel like you clicked with this dentist, find another one. I used to be afraid of a younger, newer dentist but now I have discovered that I love them. They know all the new techniques and are very gentle. Good luck!

  33. Sylvan*

    I have been knocked off my high horse re: time management. Tried to go to a thing this morning, planned for a 15-minute-drive, and forgot that this part of town hosts high school and college graduations at this time of year. I spent 30 minutes in traffic and missed the event. (I suppose I could have gone in 15 minutes late, but. :/)

    lol.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I do! :)

        I’m being secrety for a while, due to some weirdness on Twitter. So if you see me comment under this name from now on, please don’t use my name in the replies, thanks. This is the last time I’ll reply when my name is used.

        If I have any book news, I’ll post as myself. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA I WISH

        1. Red*

          Glad to see you here – almost missed this without your photo attached :) I wish you all the best!

  35. Merci Dee*

    What a lovely Saturday. At my favorite tea room with my sweet girl, waiting on our tea and delicious nibbles. Next up – shoe shopping. Yes, I know it’s cliche. But Saturdays don’t get much better than this.

    Tea’s here!

    2. JayeRaye*

      That sounds fantastic. I am eagerly awaiting the time when my little is big enough to join me for tea. I have unrealistic visions of frilly dresses and delicate china cups LOL. Did get to shoe shop today though, so hooray for that!

  36. The Other Dawn*

    Any recommendations for small divided containers? I’m looking to make small snack packs for my husband and I, and I’m having a hard time finding containers I like. I’d like something that has maybe three or four small compartments so it can hold meat, cheese and either veggies, fruit or nuts. Doesn’t matter what the material is.

    1. Chameleon*

      If you have any sort of Asian-style stores around, they often have Bento boxes that have little compartments.

    2. Rainy*

      I’ve bought 3 compartment lunch containers on Amazon that hold up really well. Search “Green Direct 3 compartment meal prep” and you should find them. The difficulty with bento, in my experience, is that if they’re metal (tiffin style) they’re not microwaveable, and if they’re plastic, some parts are always not dishwasher-safe and inevitably will be put in the dishwasher anyway and then ruined. Oh, and then there’s the melamine ones, which get too hot in the microwave and deform in the dishwasher. The worst of both worlds!

    3. Ali G*

      I don’t know the name of the brand, but my SIL has these Bento-style boxes she uses for her kids’ lunches. They are boxes and have different sized inserts that you can swap out depending on what you are packing. I thought they were super cool and would work well for work lunches, picnics, etc.

    4. fposte*

      Depending on how small we’re talking, you might find it easier to get a larger container (one of the shallow rectangular kind) and get small lidded cups to put within it. I use those for bento variations, and I also use Lock & Lock divided containers (if you search for that on Amazon you’ll find a few different results that might be useful).

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I actually have the Bentogoly boxes with all the little containers…and I hate washing those stupid containers! I’m now looking for something that is divided. I found a few things on Amazon that might work, but I may just head to Walmart and see what’s there. I don’t want meal-size divided containers since a meal-sized container filled with meat and cheese and maybe some nuts is quite a lot of calories for a snack, so I’m looking for something smaller.

    6. Anonymosity*

      I bought some silicone cupcake thingys and I use those in a flat tupperware kind of container. They are very washable (I don’t know about dishwashers; I don’t have one) and they work really well as dividers for small portions of foods. Plus, I can move them around and smush them together.

    7. Jaid*

      I’ve seen containers which were subdivided by using folded tinfoil or those plastic leaves one sees in prepackaged sushi (available online, btw).
      Personally, I use tiny little portion sized baggies from Wegmans with cup sizes printed on them. They’re vertical instead of horizontal, which works pretty good with long things like pickles.

  37. Bibliovore*

    From my sick bed.
    My MacBook Pro 13 inch (home computer not work) is on its last legs. 2011. It has been a good run. So can you give me some help on replacing. Like everything about it except that the battery runs really hot after about an hour.
    I need long battery life.
    Lots of memory- powerpoint, pictures etc. photoshop, in design
    Light- I really use it as a laptop.
    Internet surfing/ research.
    Writing.
    Watching Hulu and Netflix
    Facetime
    I don’t game.
    This is not a MAC PC debate. Dell and Gateway made my life miserable for years. Mac it is.
    Oddly considering not replacing but that is a bad idea right? Work and home should be separate.

    so- macbook pro? Macbook air? basic MacBook.
    I was always told to get the most that I could afford but I perhaps it has been overkill for a home machine.

    1. KatieKate*

      Have you brought it into the apple store for a diagnosis? You may be able to replace parts for cheaper than a new computer would be

      1. Bibliovore*

        Yes, they say it is too old and not worth upgrading. Its been repaired a few times. Out of apple care.

    2. Red Reader*

      I went with the base level MacBook Pro as the best bang for my buck. Def don’t get the MacBook, you can get better specs for the same money with one of the other two.

    3. periwinkle*

      I’ve had all three. The Air is great if you need to carry it around a lot – so lightweight! – but it’s the least bang for your buck. The Pro has the advantage of power, and if I were still doing graphics work I would have bought another one when it was time to replace the Air.

      I currently have a 2016 MacBook because I couldn’t justify spending the Pro money, since it would be my web surfing/Netflix laptop. The keyboard is wretched in daily use. That’s fine since I do my writing and heavier-duty work on my Mac Mini using a third-party keyboard (currently a Monoprice). If the laptop were my primary home computer, as yours will be… go for the Pro.

      1. Bibliovore*

        thanks…Kat… everything is backed up on an external drive. my photos are in the “cloud” My “academic” writing is on the work air and backed up on the university server. My teaching materials (powerpoints, handouts etc) are backed up at work and at home. Yes, I did have a computer turn into a brick in 2008, why do you ask?

    5. Nacho*

      Is there really a major difference between apple laptops? I know with PCs there’s a huge range of prices and specs, but macs are generally all pretty similar unless you’re thinking of buying an older one at a discount, which I wouldn’t recommend. If you like what you have, why not stick with it and just buy the newest version?

      And yeah, not replacing is a bad idea. A laptop should generally last you 1 year/$200 you spent on it assuming you’re using it seriously and need it to stay in good quality, which I assume you do if you’re in design.

      1. Bibliovore*

        The decision in the Apple world is more about how you are going to use it. I had a laptop pro that was I think 16 inches that was too heavy and big for me to travel with so I didn’t. The airs have fewer ports. Sometimes that can be a deficit. Not sure how I feel about the new keyboard on the airs. I will go to the Apple Store to play with those.

        I like apple because I have had good experiences with them lasting more than 5 years with little or no trouble.

    6. WS*

      If you’re using for design, absolutely go with the Pro, no question. The Air is great if you’re on the move a lot but in terms of memory it can run a bit short if you need to use it for heavy-duty graphics work.

      1. Amaryllis*

        Second this. For design/graphics/modeling, go with the Pro. I even stretch my Pro’s capabilities sometimes when I’m running both Solidworks and Illustrator.

    7. Melody Pond*

      Well, I’m not sure about the pictures/design/photoshop piece – but for everything else you listed, I think a MacBook Air would be great.

      I’ve had my MacBook Air since 2014, and it’s still going strong. I use it for pretty much all of the uses you listed, other than the aforementioned photoshop/design purposes. Maybe if your photoshop/design needs aren’t too intensive, the MacBook Air would still work?

      Also, its battery life is pretty great. When I first got it, it was solid for 12 hours, and I think now, 4 years later, it’s still good for at least 7-8 hours.

    8. Windchime*

      I love my 13″ Macbook Pro Retina. I bought it in 2012 and it’s still going strong. If/when it ever dies, I’ll replace it with something very similar. I love the solid state drive, the long battery life, and the fact that it’s been the most problem-free computer that I have ever owned.

      I’m not a power user. I sometimes use it to remote into work, but mostly I use it for web surfing, email, and playing around with photos. It’s probably overkill for what I need a home computer for, but it’s been so trouble free. I worried about the expense when I bought it, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

  38. Caledonia*

    I just started on Instagram- not posted anything yet.

    Let me know your Insta recommendations. Anything goes. Bonus points if recs are in the UK.

    1. nep*

      I was thinking of starting an IG account, too–mostly just to be able to comment on posts from people I follow. I follow quite a few people on Instagram and often I want to comment.
      Do you mean recommendations of accounts to follow, or…?
      One question (looking it up also online but perhaps you know)–Is it correct that any photos I have on my laptop I can put onto my IG? (I use my laptop for computer much more than my phone.)

    4. nep*

      I really like checking Instagram’s blog periodically. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s got features about a wide range of IGers–from music to photography to slime to everything in between. Just highlights some interesting things to watch on IG. (But I just checked it and it seems it’s no longer being updated…Not sure.)

    5. Minta*

      Welcome to Instagram! I say that because, in this age of caustic social media experiences, Instagram can be a respite as long as you curate well.

      Things I like looking at:
      – architecture
      – photography around London especially mews)
      – perfume
      – cats
      – European villages
      – memes
      – succulents
      – slime and mixing videos
      – makeup Instagrammers
      – hair stylists/colorists

      My recommendation: tap the magnifying glass to get into the search section. Browse what they present to you and start liking and/or following. Soon, your search/browse feed will reflect what you like. You’ll be able to discover new profiles to follow.

      If you like my list or just want to connect, look for me under @amnotte.

    6. Lily Evans*

      Three of my favorite UK based accounts are @me_and_orla, @hannahargyle, and @allthatisshe.

    7. Minta*

      Here are some faves. I have many.

      @millyrk – travel and food
      @joshkjack – street photographer based in London
      @brutgroup – brutalism architecture
      @restless.arch – international architecture
      @celine_bernaerts – makeup
      @somewheremagazine – irreverent, artful photography aggregation
      @hobbikats – family of 4 oriental shorthair cats
      @somewhat_rad – yoga practitioner, London
      @kitkat_ch – wonderful travel photog – based in Switzerland
      @kellycreates – great handlettering

      Urban Sketching – totally forgot about it. I follow a ton of urban sketchers.
      @paulwang_sg
      @irena_spector
      @urbansketchers

      Enjoy exploring!

    9. anonagain*

      hollyexley_illustration
      I love her artwork and she has super cute dogs (a greyhound and a pug).

  39. smelly roommate HELP*

    I need some advice on how to tell my roommate her personal hygiene is an issue. I’ve written out scripts, psyched myself up for it so many times but I can’t bring myself to actually say the words. I don’t think she showers enough (I don’t really know how often she showers, but based on how slowly she goes through bath supplies it looks like maybe 2-3 times a month) and she also frequently wears heavily food-stained clothes and doesn’t change her clothes for a week or more. If she’s going out she will change into a very stylish outfit, then as soon as she gets home she puts the same very dirty clothes back on. She is from a different culture and I don’t know if this is normal there, or if she’s mentally ill in some way or what (she doesn’t act depressed, she acts friendly and outgoing and energetic even when she hasn’t changed her clothes in a week). I have brought up the food-stained clothes before, twice, and she seemed very hurt and continued to wear the same food-stained shirt for a week after I talked to her about it. I don’t know what to do. She makes a lot of self-deprecating comments about her own appearance so I feel bad making her feel gross about herself. Even when I convince myself to talk to her, I always end up convincing myself that it’s not the right time. I was seconds away from talking to her again today but then she mentioned that she has a lot of work she needs to get done today, and I didn’t want to make her sad and stressed out when she was working. I know that there is never a right time to tell someone they smell but I still can’t get myself to do it. I am so frustrated though. I am embarrassed to bring friends over because she smells. I know she is lonely but I avoid hanging out with her or inviting her out because she smells. I know I would be doing her a favor to tell her… I just don’t know how!

    (Sorry for the wall of text, I just needed a rant)

    1. Rainy*

      “Roommate, you smell bad. Please shower more often–with soap!–and launder your clothing. I cannot bring people to the apartment because you smell bad.”

      There’s literally no nice way to do this.

      I had a roommate like this (he had other issues as well, but this was the one that made him smell), and you wouldn’t believe the stench in his room. He also had an alcohol problem so he routinely pissed himself, and a dog he didn’t let out often enough so the dog pissed and shat his crate at least weekly. I did NOT confront him because there were some other things going on, but jesus christ, the stench.

    2. nep*

      She’s lucky to have someone as kind as you around. You sound like a very caring and sensitive person–on the one hand you don’t want to hurt her or exacerbate any stress she’s already got going on, on the other hand you want to help her by addressing this issue that can definitely hold her back. Some tough love is in order. And that is tough.
      And I think part of the answer is that you just have to bear that crazy awkward, uncomfortable couple of moments…I have a feeling, though, that it will be a huge relief for you, and possibly her as well in the end.
      I’ll never forget one time on an overseas flight–A young woman had very noticeable body odor; it was clear that people around her were put off by it. This champion, wonder woman, rock star, first-rate diplomat of a flight attendant (I was so sorry I didn’t get her name to write a letter of commendation) quietly knelt down and whispered to the young woman for a couple moments, handing her a toiletries bag. The young woman went into the restroom for a good while and emerged with zero body odor, smelling fresh and wonderful. It was a beautiful thing to see how this flight attendant handled it–You could tell she treated the young woman with the utmost dignity.
      I’m rambling here (and I’m pretty sure I’ve shared this on AAM before)–but it was a special thing to observe.
      I wish I knew what the flight attendant said–it was probably a magnificent script.
      Perhaps start with something along the lines of–I don’t think this aspect of you represents the bright, friendly person you are…and state that you’re concerned for her, feel for her?
      Your hesitation is completely understandable and normal; I will be interested in the suggestions here.
      Wishing you all the best.

      1. nep*

        Or just start with very direct (yes, uncomfortable) questions so you can see where she goes with it. Are you aware that you have very strong body odor? Does it bother you that people are put off by your smell?
        I don’t know…Just thinking aloud about maybe starting with a question.

          1. nep*

            Well then you’ve got an even clearer idea of what you’re dealing with. (I like fposte’s script below.)

    3. fposte*

      I would move away from the food-stained clothes out and focus on the odor, using them as camouflage. “Beth, I think I should have been clearer when I talked to you about your clothes–the problem is that they have an odor that’s distracting in our shared space, and that odor is still a problem. Generally in shared spaces people need to shower every day and wash their clothes when food is spilled on them to keep odor from being a problem; if you need a hand with the laundry I’d be happy to help, because it can be kind of finicky, and I like living with you and just would like to clear up this one issue.”

      2. Thlayli*

        One thing – showering every day is not necessary to stop someone from smelling in most climates. Twice a week is sufficient unless you live in a hot area or you do lots of physical activity. The goal is not to make her super duper clean, it’s just to stop her smelling so bad that you can have friends over.

    4. Jacquelyn*

      I think you should embrace the awkwardness because there is no way that bringing this up won’t be awkward. Something like, “Hey, this is awkward to bring up and I hope this comes out the best way possible because I care about you, but I’ve noticed some personal hygiene issues. You seem to not shower very often and wear stained clothes. What’s going on?”. If you say it will genuine concern, maybe it can open up the conversation!

    5. smelly roommate HELP*

      Thanks for all your help and moral support.

      Here’s an update: I bit the bullet and talked to my roommate. I tried to use fposte’s script but unfortunately we got derailed pretty quickly talking about clothes rather than odor. My roommate told me that the reason she never changes her clothes is because she’s gained weight and none of her clothes fit. She says she’s ordered new clothes and obviously she isn’t happy either about having to wear dirty clothes. I asked if she wanted me to teach her how to do laundry (in the past she has told me she’s never done laundry, at home she had servants to do it for her, and since moving in with me she’s used a laundry service). She said the problem isn’t laundry, the problem is not having enough clothes. She also told me I should not feel bad or awkward about talking to her about things.

      So… I guess this is good in that hopefully she’ll have more clean clothes soon. I am disappointed that I didn’t address the showering issue, but honestly I don’t notice her body odor as much as I notice her clothes and their odor. Since she told me not to feel awkward about talking to her about things, I think maybe I can bring up showering later today or tomorrow… but it also feels weird since it seems like she probably feels pretty gross right now, having to wear dirty clothes since she literally doesn’t have anything else to wear.

      1. fposte*

        I’m so glad you had the conversation! I think there’s some defensive evasion in the roommate’s answer there, though–I don’t see why this means she can’t wash her clothes when they’re dirty (and this has been going on for some time, so any ordered clothes should have been here by now). However, you’ve established that this is a talkable subject, so you’ve got a callback if it needs to come up again.

        1. smelly roommate HELP*

          Thanks for following up fposte, you’re so good at giving advice!

          As for defensive evasion: yeah. I don’t know why she didn’t order clothes the first 2 times we talked about it. I don’t know why she doesn’t just go to a store and buy clothes that she can wear immediately. I actually remember her mentioning she was ordering clothes over a week ago, so I don’t know when these freaking clothes are going to get here. But one thing I’ve come to realize about her as a roommate is that cleanliness is not a priority for her (in many ways) so I guess I should not expect her to have an “omg I didn’t know I smelled, this is so embarrassing, I’ll shower every day from now on” epiphany. I think this is a helpful insight…. I think I will have to focus more on telling her specifically what I need from her rather than dropping hints and expecting her own sense of shame to do the work.

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            Also lots of people have capsule wardrobes or just less clothes and just do laundry more frequently. I mean, I totally get gaining weight, clothes not fitting, feeling bad (raising hand for being there right now!). But then you wash the clothes that do fit a couple times per week. I don’t think people will notice you mostly wearing the same things – they will notice if those same things are smelly/dirty. I went a whole summer wearing the same two pairs of dress pants to work (black and navy) since summer weight work clothes can be hard but I did laundry 2x per week so they got worn 2-3 times at most before being washed and I don’t usually spill food.

          2. misspiggy*

            This is a long shot, but is there a chance your roommate has sensory issues and doesn’t like getting splashed with water? The laundry and shower avoidance together suggests that’s a possibility. I’m a bit like that – I hate dealing with wet clothes and the start and end of showering. Baths can be easier.

            Not sure what the solution would be, other than that you might have to keep pushing harder than you might expect.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        This seems like a good first step. And it’s possible once she has more clothing options, the showering part will take care of itself. I mean, I can see where she might feel like there’s no point in getting clean if she just has to put on some dirty clothes after.

        That being said, could you offer to go shopping with her and help her find some new clothes that fit?

      3. nep*

        Good on ya for diving in and talking with her about it! Even if it didn’t go exactly as you’d have liked, that is huge to just have established that opening.
        (I love the thrift stores for decent clothes while I’m at a weight I don’t like and hope to change soon…I don’t know whether she’d go for that…)
        (How did you meet, by the way? Did you know her before becoming roommates? If yes, has this been an issue as long as you’ve known her?)
        Congratulations.

        1. smelly roommate HELP*

          We met on the internet, where all good roommates come from :/

          But we’ve been living together for almost a year at this point. She has never been as clean as I’d like her to be, but I think it has been especially bad lately, because school is out (we’re both grad students) and her summer internship hasn’t started yet. She is a homebody so she basically hasn’t left the house in weeks (except to occasionally go out to eat) and therefore hasn’t apparently felt the need to shower or change clothes. For the whole time we’ve lived together I’ve gotten the sense that she only cleans herself for social things, she doesn’t feel a need to be clean just to be clean.

      4. Keeping Clean*

        Good for you for opening the door to a conversation. Sometimes it’s good to lead with the easier things and once you’ve got a rapport, you can move forward from there.

        Since you’re talking about cleanliness and odor, perhaps you can phrase it about washing rather than specifically showering. I mention this as someone who has sensitive, dry skin and hair that keeps me from showering every day. I do, however, wash critical areas daily. At the sink, I wash my armpits. I convert my toilet to a bidet with soap and a water bottle. This has solved the smell issue between showers. Perhaps stressing washing might be another way to frame the conversation?

        1. Anonymous Ampersand*

          +1 I shower less than once a week but I get washed every day and wash my clothes regularly. Showering isn’t the only answer :)

      5. Thursday Next*

        You’ve mentioned cultural differences before—is it possible she doesn’t know where to shop around where you live? Or how to get help finding clothes that fit?

      6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

        That’s actually…pretty interesting that you mention that! Is this her first time living on her own?

        I’ll admit when I read your OP, I was alarmed because that behavior read as severe depression. (I’m not a doctor. I have been depressed. I…know from experience.) In a way, I’m relieved to hear that her primary issue is that she’s rich and clueless. (Relatively rich, anyway.) And more importantly, she’s open to listening and talking.

        DEFINITELY go over the laundry issue with her, though. Especially if she has multiple sets of clothes already, which it sounds like she does. I mean, I know women’s wear has a lot of care requirements, but she should at least be able to have clean underwear. Bring it up friendly but forcefully, like, “Hey, Arya, are you sure you don’t want to learn? It’ll save money and time on the laundry service.”

        With the showering, she’s probably not able to smell herself. I think you have that opening to talk to her or at least to ask. Probably not this weekend, though – but I like taking baby steps.

  40. Ali G*

    Suggestions?
    Later this year Hubs and I are going to Charleston, SC for my 40th Bday. My actual Bday is the Sunday we will be there. I want to find an awesome brunch place that takes reservations for a Sunday Bday Brunch. Any suggestions?
    Any other suggestions on attractions or places to eat welcome as well!
    PS – I can’t believe I am going to be 40 in like 3 months!

    1. Enough*

      Few years old but Google Sietsema Charleston SC reviews. He is the food critic for the Washington Post.

    2. fposte*

      It is hard to find a bad meal in the good restaurants of Charleston.

      I really liked the ferry out to Fort Sumter, as much for an excursion as for the history; walking around the Battery is also nice. The City of Charleston museum is really well done, with a lot of thoughtful historiography and history.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Husk has a great brunch and is a lovely restaurant. So good, with good veggie options if you need them.

      Happy 40th! I just got back from my 40th birthday vacation, and I’m so glad I had an adventure for the “big day”.

    4. Loopy*

      I’m from Charleston and we are the LAND OF BRUNCH. People freaking LOVE BRUNCH here. So, tons of good options, how fancy/expensive are you looking? Do you like quirky places? Small intimate places? Right in the heart of downtown or off-the-beaten path local? Let me know and I’ll recommend some- since sooo many places have good brunch here, it’s hard without some parameters!

    5. Amaryllis*

      We did not do brunch there, but I do have Opinions regarding dinner. SNOB (Slightly North of Broad) is highly overrated, I’d avoid it. Hyman’s and Bowens Island are IMO the best for seafood. Charleston Grill is good for high-brow food, but the atmosphere was a bit too fussy for me. For locally-sourced/changing menus, try Fig.

  41. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    If you were a mother of young kids and liked cookies, would you rather get a stash of frozen baked cookies, or frozen cookie dough balls ready to pop in the oven?

    3. Thursday Next*

      I mean…completely hypothetically, of course…cookie dough balls. Yes, it delays gratification, but it’s satisfying to eat something you had to put some work into. Just not too much. :)

    5. Legalchef*

      Some of each! This way there are some for cookie emergencies, but also some for fresh baked goodness when there is a bit more time.

    6. Cristina in England*

      If your friend also likes brownies, they can be eaten straight from the freezer… ask me how I know…

      1. Cristina in England*

        … also that way the young kids are less likely to find the evidence and demand some too…

    7. Red Sky*

      Anytime other than the middle of a Texas summer when it’s too dang hot to turn on the oven I’d prefer the cookie dough balls.

    8. Thlayli*

      As a mother of young kids I can state that the less effort required the better. Pre-baked for sure. In fact, I’d prefer a few packs of store bought long lasting ones so I don’t even have to defrost anything lol

  42. AlligatorSky*

    My moving plans have fallen through. I’m heartbroken, I’m no longer moving out on the 15th. I’m stuck at home for now, because I don’t want to live with strangers and I don’t trust myself to live on my own.

    I’m really torn up about this :(

    1. nep*

      So sorry your plans fell through. Sounds like you don’t need this on top of everything else. What are other options you might look at?
      Sorry you’re facing this.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I don’t have any friends who are looking for roommates or who are moving out at the moment, so I’m just staying at home and I’ll keep putting money into my moving out fund so that even though I’ll be at home, I’ll still have savings. Makes me feel a little better.

        1. WellRed*

          Honestly, I think taking control of your money was an even bigger step rhan moving out will be, in some ways. Keep your eye on the prize.

        2. Empty Sky*

          Perhaps cast the net a little wider to include friends of friends? If you ask around a bit you might find someone. I understand that living with strangers can feel a bit scary, but most people out there are actually decent, and if your friends can provide a character reference you should be able to eliminate most of the risk. You can also meet up with them first to get a feel for them and see if you hit it off.

          I ended up living with three strangers for a year out of necessity when I was studying. I wouldn’t say it was 100% successful, but it certainly wasn’t a failure. Not everybody got along and there were some personality clashes, but we made allowances for each other and generally operated like a mostly happy if slightly dysfunctional family.

    2. TheLiz*

      That’s awful :( But at least you’re making plans! This is still progress towards where you want to be (free!).

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Yeah, plus when I do eventually move out I’ll have a bit more money as I’m still saving up!

    3. Cristina in England*

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. You will move out, just not when you had hoped. And you made progress! Making plans with your friend to move out is a milestone, even if it fell through due to circumstances beyond your control.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        It sucks, but at least I can say I tried! I’m gonna tell myself that this is practise for the real thing.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Okay so that was a practice shot. Now you are going to find the real thing. You have come a very long way here. You almost have this, just have the brass to keep going. Yes sometimes tears come before renewed determination. That’s okay, too.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m so sorry! But you will move out, even though it didn’t work out this time — I’m sure of it!!

    6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Oh wow, I’m so sorry about that! I hope you’re able to find something else soon – you deserve to.

      Did you already pay the deposit (or is that usual in Scotland)? And if you did, can you get it back, or have you gotten it back?

    7. Observer*

      Please work on getting yourself to a point where you can trust yourself to live on your own. Your mother’s behavior is not going to get better, and it might get worse. So, you need to be able to move out, friends or no.

      1. misspiggy*

        Yes, this. I actually think you’ll do fine on your own, AlligatorSky, because once your energy is freed up from dealing with your current situation you’ll have tons more to focus on managing your life.

  43. feeling lonely*

    This is such an embarrassing thing to admit but…

    I feel like no one ever talks to me. Whenever I see other people pull out their phones their lockscreens are always filled with messages. That never seems to happen to me. I feel like no one really cares to talk to me or to check in or whatever.

    I don’t know, I guess it’d just be nice if someone cared, sometimes. Maybe just a little bit.

    1. Washi*

      Asking this as someone who felt the same way for a long time – do you reach out to others?

      1. feeling lonely as well*

        Not the original OP, but I’ve been feeling the same way as well lately. I noticed more often than not I message people first, or send them a link to something I think they might like. Other than my SO and one or two family members, people reply but they don’t say much to keep any kind of conversation going. It’s discouraging enough that after awhile I just stop making an attempt to keep that connection alive between actually seeing each other in person. I’m childless by choice and a good portion of these people either have children or larger families they seem to spend a lot of their free time with so maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I love keeping in touch digitally and am rather surprised that the people in my life don’t seem that into it.

    2. Cristina in England*

      Ugh, I felt this a lot this week! I realized that since I am still new to where I live, I have been in a “making friends mode” in which I assume pretty much all responsibility for meeting people and saying hello, making conversation, making plans, etc. Well, this week I realized that someone I really thought of as a friend doesn’t seem to be reciprocating and so I’ve backed off completely. She still smiles and says hello but I detect a difference in how she talks to me. It’s painful, because it feels like rejection.

      On the positive side, I can think of two people in this city who I know are my friends because they do initiate plans and also ask me for favors and offer to help me when needed. So I am going to put a bit of extra energy into the friendships I know are there.

      1. Cristina in England*

        I don’t think I connected all the dots there-I also meant to say that I also realized that most of the people I chat to are just being polite and don’t give a crap about me. I live in England but I am not British so I miss most subtext and cues about when someone is being genuine. (Kind of like not knowing the context of someone saying “bless your heart”). And people here are polite! So I kind of felt like everything around me was fake and I didn’t have any friends. THEN I thought of my two friends and I felt a bit better.

        1. Chidi*

          I feel this way too – and I am a Brit!
          I’m glad you have two friends to chat too. Keep trying and you’ll find more.

    4. LibbyG*

      I might be off here, but maybe the lock screens you’re seeing aren’t all text messages? Like maybe they’re a lot of social media and, like, Fitbit notifications? (“X reacted to Y’s post!”) Maybe smartphones are creating a false impression that “everyone else” is going through life with this thick, expansive network of friends.

      Taking the scary steps to forge the friendships you crave might be easier if you can avoid having these lockscreen glimpses feel like so many gut punches.

  44. Charlotte*

    Online dating profiles: if you were looking, what information would you want to see included in someone’s profile?

    Trying to write one but it’s almost like trying to write a cover letter with no job description. I don’t want to be too generic but this probably also isn’t the place to reveal all my quirks either.

    1. Kali*

      I think quirks are good! You don’t want to attract everyone. After all, women generally get too much random attention. I’d go for as specific as possible, to narrow down the field.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I like to see what people are looking for, if they have kids, if they want kids. Likes/dislikes (I tend to skip people who identify as avid fitness or gym people, or who like hiking, skiing, or running, because I am SUPER not into any of that). I like to see books/movies people are in to because it’s a shared point of discussion/conversation starter. Things like that.

    3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Dealbreakers, like whether you smoke, whether you want kids, stuff like that. Stuff about your worldview–we don’t have to agree on everything, but we do have to be starting from basically the same place. Life’s too short to waste time with someone whose beliefs are diametrically opposite to mine.

      Less of a big deal, but I like seeing favorite books, movies, shows, etc. so I can get a sense of whether we have similar tastes and also so it gives us some common things to talk about if we’re nervous/awkward.

    4. Dating Profiles Advice*

      I’ve had experience with online dating. I learned that framing the things that were not what a I wanted was as important as what I did want, to avoid responses from people that weren’t the right fit from the get go. There’s an art to that, because you want to sound positive and not negative. The key is to use language that filters people out and also attracts people you would have more in common with. Here are a few examples.

      I’m a bisexual woman and I was specifically seeking a man. While my sexual orientation was listed in the checkbox for that, I learned from experience that there were men out there who had all kinds of assumptions about bi women being promiscuous, unable to commit to monogamy, etc. So I added a sentence acknowledging my orientation and saying I’m monogamous and that there are some myths about bi people around that. I immediately stopped getting replies from skeevy men.

      Some other examples. I enjoy being silly and the company of others like that. So I listed a goofy thing I enjoy. Being in nature is important to me, so I mentioned favorite places I like to hike. I thought about the qualities of people I enjoy, and mentioned that. I also included a line about valuing who someone is, rather than their belongings, and that ended getting replies from people who tended to lead with how much money they had, their cars, or their houses.

      The bottom line is that your first version almost certainly won’t be the one you end up with. You’ll revise it and tweak it as you go along, and that’s great. I hope it all goes well for you.

      1. Basia, also a Fed*

        Yes!! I sent this Captain Awkward link to a friend who is currently dating online.

    6. AcademiaNut*

      A sense of someone’s personality is something I would look for. Keep in mind that you don’t want to hide your personality even if it gets you more responses, because you’ll end up with people who aren’t really interested in you.

      I think specificity can work better than generalities. Instead of saying “I like to read/play video games” list a few favourite books, or the games you’re playing right now. Describe how you like to spend a weekend, or your dream trip.

      As far as dealbreakers go, list important ones (“no smokers”, “don’t want kids”), but I find a laundry list of requirements to be off putting (and the phrase “no drama” to be an automatic dealbreaker on my part). And be upfront about parts of your life that are likely to be potential dealbreakers for others (like, if you smoke, have kids, are still legally married, or are polyamorous, that gets stated up front).

    7. Jemima Bond*

      From my fairly lengthy online dating experience (with a happy ending – sitting next to me in bed right now eating bacon <3 ) I would advise as follows:
      People who say they want to meet someone “slim” put me off, never mind my weight, came across as shallow. Similarly, specifying hair colour etc. Too fussy about things that aren’t important.
      Talk about how you enjoy spending your time, so the reader can figure out if they would also like to be part of that. After all, it’s about spending time together.
      Don’t be afraid to say something silly or funny – the right person will laugh and remember you for it. And coming across as someone who takes themselves and the world too seriously isn’t very tempting.

      Avoid men whose profile pics show them with their shirt off standing next to a car.

      Avoid cliches. Discussing it with OH we laughed over the over use by women of words to the effect of “just as happy in a dress and heels for a night out as cuddled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a DVD!” Also we concluded that all men on internet dating sites have climbed Kilimanjaro and all women have been to Macchu Picchu.

      Very importantly, meet in person as soon as practicable. You can’t really tell how it’ll be until you meet and it’s crushing if you’ve built your hopes up over weeks of messaging them meet them and every brain cell shouts, “nope”.
      Lastly, and I say this with authority, if on a second or third date you are watching a film at his/your home and you kick off your shoes to be met with a gasp of “oh my god you’ve got webbed feet!!” when you are in fact wearing sheer tights, probably don’t bother with another date.

    8. Clever Name*

      Photos are a must. The photos must show your whole face with no hat or sunglasses. This is not the time to be artistic with filters and angles. If I can’t tell what you look like, I’m swiping left.

      Make a brief note of things that could be deal breakers for others, like If you have kids or smoke or regularly smoke pot (I live in Colorado). Also state what you are looking for, are you looking for something casual or are you looking for a relationship? What do you like to do for fun? Do you have interesting hobbies? Don’t put other people’s children in your photos and if you have your own child, seriously consider whether it’s a good idea to feature them in your photo.

      Above all, be positive! Don’t complain about how hard dating is or moan about a “crazy ex”.

    9. NaoNao*

      I generally tried to strike a balance between what I was “offering” and what I was seeking. I included what I thought might be “my” deal breakers (I’m a feminist, almost 6 foot tall, and I don’t/didn’t want kids) but I didn’t say “no ____” because in all honesty, as a straight woman seeking a man, men didn’t read, pay attention to, or care about my stated deal breakers, because those were for *other* dudes to care about and the important part was HE was attracted to ME and that was all I needed to know!

      **Don’t miss online dating at all in case you can’t tell. Heh.

  45. fposte*

    Facebook question:

    I have a Facebook account with nothing on it; usually I’m not even logged in. Therefore I forgot about it when I impulsively posted a comment to a page that turned out to be a Facebook page; the comment posted with my name. Had I been fully awake I wouldn’t have posted it publicly at all, let alone with my name, so I deleted it immediately.

    I know it’s the internet and there’s no putting the propagation genie back in the jar, but once it’s deleted it’s not something people are going to see on the page, right? And unless the owner gets notifications, they won’t know?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If it’s set up that they’ll get an email, then they’ll still have the email. Otherwise, it should be gone. If you don’t want said FB account though, why don’t you close it? Prevents the issue.

      1. fposte*

        Thanks for the info! I’m thinking about deleting but I’m on the fence. I did at least log out to avoid that problem in the future.

  46. Free Meerkats*

    Me: The injury from Providence RI is finally (mostly) healed and I can start walking again.
    Body: Great! BTW, here’s a gout attack. Enjoy!

    I don’t get them often, and I usually know why (hello, all you can eat shrimp), but this one is out of the blue.

    I did finish the first piece of the Worldcon masquerade costume, and got the second piece and part of the third piece cut out. I should finish the second this weekend. Three more sewn pieces after that, then on to the accessories.

    3. Amaryllis*

      Gout is THE WORST. The first time my husband got it, we were traveling, and he was certain he’d broken his foot. He said it hurt more than when he actually had broken a bone.

  47. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Struggling with acting on the knowledge that certain activities will trigger my social anxiety, but I did well these last couple days. I left an event once I realized how crowded it was, and I took an Ativan before getting on public transit. I’m also struggling with loneliness and questions about my sexual orientation (bisexual but most of my relationships have been with men, though I’m trying to primarily date women now).

    I’m proud of exercising–i biked to work three times this week! I am also proud that I moved some furniture last weekend to make my apartment easier to clean, and I set up a date with someone from online dating. We are going to get donuts and coffee.

    How are you doing?

    1. Red*

      I’m struggling big time with the fact that I’m on disability leave for a couple weeks while I get my meds sorted because I can’t stop thinking about throwing myself out the window of the 16th floor. It’s a huge blow to the self-confidence, you know? But I guess I’m proud of myself for having the balls to do this. I really pride myself on my work, I can’t do it right now, and it’s okay to realize that. Or so my therapist says, anyway. I just want to feel better, y’all.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. That sounds really hard and scary. I am glad you’re still here, and I agree with your therapist that it’s ok to take some time for yourself. I have some friends who’ve had really tough lives where they never got the chance to take time off their responsibilities to care for their mental health, and it takes a lasting toll on them even once they aren’t in active crisis. So what you are doing now is a good investment in your long-term well being (not to mention possibly keeping you alive, if things are that bad right now). I think it’s very brave to admit you need help and ask for it.

        1. Red*

          *big hug* Thank you for the kind words. You’re one of the nicest internet peeps I know

    2. Junior Dev*

      I forgot to mention initially–there have been a couple high profile suicides this week and I know that’s really hard on some folks struggling with suicidal thoughts. I am doing better enough now that it doesn’t affect me as much, but I had a really hard time when Robin Williams died, for instance. I hope everyone is ok and has people they can talk to. If you’re struggling with this I hope you’ll post here and we can support you, but if you don’t feel up to that that is also fine, and I wish you peace and hope you are able to take good care of yourself.

      The US crisis line is 1-800-273-8255

      Here is a list of international hotlines for people in crisis:

      http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html

      1. nep*

        The suicides really hit me hard. Not because of who they were…but just the timing, I guess, with where I’ve been in my mind lately. With the Kate Spade news it just hit me hard–and this will be news to no one–that there is that moment, that transition, where ‘suicidal thoughts’ turns into ‘there’s utterly nothing else to do but end it’…and that was the unspeakably sad but also terrifying part for me.

    3. Alpha Bravo*

      Gotta agree with Red. You’re one of the good ones, JD.

      Today, I’m just trying to get through the day. Spouse would’ve turned 65 today. This has been a rough week.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            This year we would have been married 35 years. Time flies. The pain never quite goes away but it stops being crippling at any rate. And that is a relief of sorts.
            You are loved, AB. And you still have a lot to contribute to this world, time will prove that out for you.

            1. Alpha Bravo*

              April 8th would have been 35 years for us too. I think of getting through all the firsts this year as a series of hurdles. I’m lucky to have my daughter as a constant reminder I still have stuff to do here. And I have an old friend who just lost her spouse a couple of months ago. So I’m not alone on this road, and for me it’s helpful to be able to look down it in both directions. I’m not the first to be here and I won’t be the last, but we can be kind to each other while we walk together. You’ve shown me a lot about how to do that.

              1. Jean (just Jean)*

                I’m not the first to be here and I won’t be the last, but we can be kind to each other while we walk together.

                This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that it took enormous loss and pain for you to have this observation.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                (sniffles) yep.

                I remember my dad. Medical bills took most of what he had and my mother died anyway. In an odd turn about, he found a couple, where the husband was very ill. He would go sit with the husband so the wife could go outside, take a nap, whatever. In that offering of help, he started to reknit himself. One of the ways we reknit our lives by helping others. It seems to help make sense of the madness.

                Year number one is a total PITA. Every. single. thing seems to require a plan. Year number two is less of a brain drain BUT people tend to return to life and tend to SEEM less concerned about us. It’s only appearances, but the appearance is very strong. Don’t be fooled, people still remember.
                Year number two is also tough because the busyness is over. Most of the paper work is done, the medical bills have settled down and so on. We can start to think, “There is not so much that I HAVE to do anymore. I can breathe a little…. OMG, WHAT am I going to do with my life?” [Take it one day at a time.]

                Not the first and not the last: ‘Tis humbling that there are so many of us widows and widowers. That thought alone can be overwhelming at times. It kind of drives home the point how we actually need each other. Oddly, it does not take much to touch another person’s heart and life. We are all one long chain of paying it forward.

      2. Kuododi*

        Oh my goodness…. I’m happy to see your post. “Firsts” are kinda awful ….. the landmark times right after a loss so deep. You’ve been in my thoughts. Blessings to you and your beloved daughter.

    4. T*

      A lot of publicity about suicide prevention in the media due to the recent events.

      All the posts about ‘you are loved’ ring so hollow to me.

      I’m pretty certain no one will care if I go through with it.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. It’s really hard. I don’t know your exact situation but I can relate to people’s well-meaning statements feeling empty. Especially when the reality of mental health is so much more complicated than “reach out for help”–if you can’t afford to see a doctor or you’ve tried medications and they don’t work for you, it’s a totally different problem than the one people are trying to solve with “reach out, there is hope!” etc.

        I do think that life is worth living and it does get better, but it’s very hard to see that when you’re in the thick of a dark time. Can you turn off social media for a bit and do something fun, like re-read a book you love or watch a funny movie or play with animals? You don’t have to fix everything right now, and you probably can’t, but you deserve to feel a little better in whatever way works for you.

      3. nep*

        I have to say, the ‘You are not alone’ and ‘There is help’ lines ring very hollow to me. Not necessarily because well yes I am alone, or because no one would care if I went through with it. But they just seem to reflect a misunderstanding of what’s really going on. If someone is to that point, I just don’t think these lines mean a damned thing. Just my sense, from where I am.

        T — There is a community of people right here who care that you’re having such a tough time. We can’t pretend to understand exactly what’s going on in your mind. I can only say I hope something will happen (by your doing, or by something unexpected coming into your life) that will shake you out of that desperation.
        It is very hard and it hurts, no question about it. Sending you love, for what it’s worth from an internet stranger.

      4. Thursday Next*

        This internet stranger would care very much. I won’t presume to know what you’re going through, but I can see that it must be intensely painful.

        Talk to us here. Many of us have been very close to going through with it. We care.

      5. Red*

        I would care. It hurts every time I hear someone died of suicide, even when it’s someone I’ve never met before. If you’d like to type, I’m always here to read and I’ll give you my email if you want it.

      6. Kuododi*

        Sometimes the pain is beyond words. My heart aches for you. Please keep in touch. I want to know you are still with us. May the Holy One bless, preserve and keep you now and forever more.

    5. Time Bomb of Petulance*

      I am struggling with hopelessness and passive suicidal ideation. *I have a safety plan and am currently under the care of a therapist, so I am doing OK in the sense that I know I don’t actually want to die; I just need some particular life circumstances to change, and that is unlikely to happen for some time. Each day is a struggle, but I grind through it – hour by hour.

      With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, several of my friends have posted on social media that if you need someone to talk to, feel hopeless, etc., to call them. But, these same friends are part of the problem because when I do need to be around people and lift my spirits, we make plans but then they flake. So, it all feels hollow. I don’t feel like I should have to tell my friends that I’m suffering from suicidal ideation in order for them to not flake on me. I don’t know; maybe I just need new friends.

      Sorry for the rambling.

      1. Junior Dev*

        It’s ok! That’s what this thread is for.

        Do you have anyone who’s more reliable you can talk to, even just to hang out and take your mind off things? The flaky friends sound really frustrating and maybe not the most helpful right now.

        1. Time Bomb of Petulance*

          I have my spouse, and, I’ve made less regular plans with some friends who are not flaky. So, while we only hang out once or twice a month, but it gives me something to look forward to as I know these two friends are reliable and will not flake. Overall, I’m just trying to distract myself with work and hobbies until circumstances change. I’ve also started trying to engage in better self-care. I’ve been getting regular sleep, and I’ve also started exercising lately. My husband suggested that I start counting the seemingly small, daily victories. I did that yesterday, and it did help me to feel a bit more positive about life even though saying “I completed 2 errands today” seemed a little silly at first. We took a few minutes to review and celebrate these things.

          Actually, answering your question helped me realize things have gotten slightly better. Thank you.

          1. nep*

            It’s great that you came here to share and air that out a bit. Glad your husband is there to support you–hope it continues to help.
            I’m sorry you’re struggling like this. Good for you for recognizing that sleep and exercise can make a difference. (I have really horrific thoughts late in the day if I’ve not gotten enough sleep.)
            Wishing you peace.

            1. Time Bomb of Petulance*

              Thank you. Sometimes, it helps to talk to people who don’t really know you.

              I have noticed that when I am really in a funk, sometimes a work out is the only thing that helps. The post-exercise high may not last all day, but it’s usually enough to get me back to the point where I can continue to push through the day. Obviously, it’s not ideal, but it keeps me here.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have a friend who has difficulties and he sees the stuff I have been working on here. We have a running commentary about how it’s not the people closest to us who bail us. It’s easy to think “oh family or bestie should bail me” and then nothing happens. It’s that outer circle of friends/acquaintances who seem to do the most for us sometimes. You might find it helpful to start saying yes to random offers of help from unexpected sources. The first step is to deliberately watch for these offers. The second step is to say yes (with care and wisdom, of course) to even the simplest of offers. (Your turn to pay it back or forward will come in a bit, so don’t over think repayment right now.)

        1. Time Bomb of Petulance*

          I have a hard time asking for help because I worry about people judging me. It’s something I’m working on with my therapist, but you make a good point.

    6. Turtlewings*

      I’ve struggled a lot the last few months with my weight and how I feel about my appearance. In the last week or so I’ve bought new bras that actually support The Ladies and gotten a fabulous new haircut, and it makes a huge difference! I look in the mirror and feel CUTE instead of lumpy and sad.

    7. Stephanie*

      Doing ok. Posted below—I just moved this week, so I’m in that awkward phase in a new place like “Oh. I really don’t know anyone here…”

    8. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      First of all – I’m seconding and thirding the calls that you have one of the most awesome threads, and it’s really great work! Good luck with the date – and tell us how it goes!

      (And also – from one queer person to another – happy Pride month! You’re…well ahead of where I am on the dating thing.)

      As for me…I’m glad that I’m getting a bunch of things sorted out, both minor and not-so-minor. I have a horrible tendency of being conflict-avoidant, so dealing with ANYTHING that might require arguing that I’m not certain I’m going to win is pretty fraught for me. It’s one of those things that I’m a little ashamed about, since I’m in my mid-thirties and I feel like I should just Be A Man And Do It. (I’m well past the point where I can make jokes about “adulting” and have them be at least marginally cute.)

      But I feel really frustrated by myself. I’ve made the joke that I can’t handle dealing with more than one or two situations at a time, and…I mean, it’s true, but it also sucks. Like, I tend to shut down when I have multiple things happening, and there are a bunch of things I’ve let slide. (For starters, my apartment.) I’ve talked about this with my therapist, and she’s said that it’s understandable that I did let a lot of things slide…but, you know, I’d like to be able to kill it at work and as an athlete, while also being able to manage my own home and finances. Fortunately, things kind of calmed down at the end of last month and this month (as in, I was training for a marathon AND working 50-hour weeks with a 60-90 minute commute on either end – I’ve learned it’s possible to do a 20-miler and then go into the office, but not especially advised), so I’m beginning to get the rest of my life under control.

      Which is great. But I have that nagging suspicion that I really shouldn’t have let things get this bad, even though I know beating myself up over it is absolutely useless at this point.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Happy Pride! This is my first date in several months so I don’t know that I’m that far into it tbh.

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          …girlfriend, you’re actually dating. That’s better than what I’m doing!

          (Part of that is the issue with being broke as hell right now and trying to be un-broke. Part of it is just nerves! I just take a really long time to relax around people, for starters.)

    9. Agent Veronica*

      Mostly very well. My partner and I, although we have a generally strong relationship, have begun going to counseling about one issue that’s tough for us—and the first session felt like a good start.

      I am dealing with some issues about how much of my self-worth is connected to my job…but that may be an issue for Friday.

    10. Environmental Compliance*

      Not the greatest. First appointment with a therapist this week. Had a couple really bad days this past week with worthlessness, hopelessness & just not wanting to exist.

      Right now just trying to exist until Wednesday. Hopefully something good comes out of the appointment.

  48. Jackie*

    Looking for recommendations on visiting Quebec City in Canada. Has anyone been there ? I was hoping to find a little bit of Paris there. . .

    1. fposte*

      I *loved* Quebec City. I don’t know that I’d ask for it to be Paris; it’s just a cool place all on its own. I’m a big walker, and it’s a good place to walk as long as you’re prepared for some hefty verticals in the old town. It’s definitely a lot more Francophone than Montreal, so you’ll likely encounter a few people who don’t do English or much of it, but most of the people in visitor spaces will be okay with English. Food was delicious in a Franco-Canadian kind of way; there were a lot of cafe/bistro type places, which I really like when I’m traveling, to get a nice soup and whatever and camp at a table for a while.

      1. Washi*

        Totally agree with all this. Quebec City definitely has a European flavor, but it’s really its own place. I loved just walking around and exploring. Montmorency Falls just up the river is very beautiful as well.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I loved Quebec City! The old city, the chateau frontenac. There’s a good tour that goes to Ste Anne de Beaupré and one of the islands that is gorgeous. Lots of great food too!

  49. FD*

    I think this is more free-for-all than work thread due to being about volunteering, but feel free to delete if not.

    I want to volunteer my graphic design talents. I think the quality of my work is pretty good (see the link in my name), though of course there’s room for improvement. But I keep not hearing back from organizations that have advertised they want volunteer graphic design work done.

    Is this common? Have any of you done this successfully?

    1. Bibliovore*

      I think it depends on the project and their needs. Small non-profits need help with signage, websites, newsletters. If there is an organization that you are passionate about like an 826 or library, that is where I would start. I would love a volunteer graphic designer to help me out with promotional materials for a really cool project.

      1. FD*

        Sorry, I think I didn’t ask my question right. I mean, I’m reaching out through things like Volunteer Match where nonprofits ask for help, but I’m not getting responses. I’m curious if others have found that to be typical.

        2. KatieKate*

          Are you reaching out through Volunteer Match or to the organizations directly? I love Volunteer Match but sometimes people leave up postings and forget to take them down, so that might be it.

          1. FD*

            Both, starting through the portal, but then reaching out directly if I haven’t heard from them. Perhaps I should reach out directly then instead?

            1. KatieKate*

              I would reach out directly–and call rather than email, because those might be getting lost or confused for spam.

  50. blatantlysilly*

    Hey everyone! I’m looking to ship a desktop computer from Texas to New York. Has anyone done this before and how did they do it??? I’m not a huge tech expert so taking it apart is NOT an option and seems to be the recommended course of action whenever I google it………..

    1. Jillociraptor*

      If you take it to a FedEx or UPS, they will be able to advise you on how to pack it and mail it. I sent a desktop computer from the east coast to the Midwest and it was easy peasy with the help of FedEx. I didn’t take it apart at all.

      Any chance you have the box it came in? Or can ask the store if they have an extra? These machines are shipped all over the world all the time in these boxes so they are best but the shipping company will get you fixed up if you can’t get the original box.

      1. blatantlysilly*

        i don’t still have the box, it’s a few years old. i’ve heard some horror stories about Fedex so its good to know that it was a really simple process for you!

    2. ..Kat..*

      First back up all files to an external device that you DO NOT ship with the computer.
      Next, before unplugging cables, label each cable end and where it plugs into. Then, take a bunch of pictures to help you be able to put it back together.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        This!

        If you don’t have a good backup system already, buy a small portable hard disk (you can get 2-3 terabyte ones), and do a complete clone of your system on it. Then, if you’re moving, pack it in your hand luggage.

    3. Stephanie*

      Haven’t shipped one, but I worked at one of those companies. You just need to sure that it’s packed correctly—it needs lots of padding and to be secured. You could take it to the UPS or FedEx Store and have them pack it for you.

      All that being said…it may not be cost effective to ship a desktop long distance like that. Depending on the shipping speed, I could easily see this costing $200-300. If it’s some high-end iMac, I could see it being worth it. But if it’s an everyday PC, desktops have fallen in price a lot and it may just be worth getting a new one.

  51. MsChanandlerBong*

    Please, please, please send me good vibes. We are looking at a house rental later this week, and we REALLY want it, but rentals in this area usually go within hours. Basically, we need to be the first people to show up with a deposit, proof of income, etc. in hand.

    That brings me to a question. We were supposed to buy the house we are currently renting, but the owner is giving us trouble. She gave us a purchase agreement with an inflated price, and when I said we don’t want to pay that price, she told me it’s just a starting point and that the bank needs a price so they can qualify us…but doesn’t the bank approve you based on your income/debts, not the price of the house? She actually told me on the phone that I was being “spastic” about the price. I always thought that the bank looked at your info and said, “Okay, you’re approved for up to $150K; go out and find a house that costs that amount or less.” We’re first-time buyers, so I could be wrong, but my gut instinct says if I sign a contract that says the price is $X, with no contingencies, then I am agreeing to pay that price.

    Based on the condition of the house, the neighborhood, and so forth, I believe the price she wants is about $10K to $20K more than the appraised value will be. Our next-door neighbor was a Realtor before she retired, and she believes it will actually appraise for $19K to $29K less than the owner is asking. In any case, we’re not willing to pay her asking price. The house isn’t in terrible shape, but there are much-nicer listings in better neighborhoods for about the same price she is asking. It’s not that we can’t get a loan for that much or are being unrealistic/unreasonable about how much we should pay, but if I am going to spend that much money, I might as well get a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood for the same price.

    1. fposte*

      Good vibes, and I agree with you on your second paragraph. It sounds like she’s treating the purchase agreement like it’s the realtor listing, rather than being an actual binding document. (And, you know, if she’s saying it doesn’t matter what’s on the purchase agreement, then it wouldn’t matter for her to put the actual price you’re paying. Right, annoying owner lady?)

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yes! I wish I would have thought of that when we were talking, but I got a bit flustered after she called me spastic and started going on and on about how she’s bought and sold four houses so she knows what she’s talking about and I don’t. If it’s just a starting point, then why don’t I put $95K as the price and have her sign it?!

        1. Dear Liza dear liza*

          And the bank is going to do its own appraisal and only approve a loan for that amount. They don’t say, Oh, MCB, we’ll give you $X for any house out there. They want to make sure the house is literally worth that amount.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m buying a house right now (in the US, for jurisdiction reference) and my bank asked me how much I thought I’d be likely to spend on the house. They then prequalified me for a mortgage for that amount, looking at my income, expenses, and debts. When I house slightly above that range came up, they re-ran the numbers and re-prequalified (is that even a word?) me for the higher amount, but they didn’t look at the data on the house I was trying to buy to get a specific number. I just said, “Bank, now I need to see if I can get $X00,000 instead.” To finally officially approve the loan, they needed the purchase documents with the actual price I was paying for the house on them.

      Good vibes!

    3. anonymouse*

      The bank also approves the amount based on what they think the property you’re looking to buy is worth.
      They won’t give you 200k to buy a rundown shack, because then if you can’t pay at some point, they lost 200k (minus what you already payed back). On the other hand they’ll gladly give you 200k for a property that would easily sell for 200k, because then if you can’t pay them, they can still sell the house and come out even.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This smells like a con to me.
      Why would you go to the bank twice? Once with her inflated price and once with her real price? This is a waste of your time and a head game on her part.

      The document should show the actual price that you will pay.

      Can you bluff? Tell her that you will have your lawyer review her purchase agreement and you will get back to her. Tell her to mail you the document. Then watch her back pedsl. I understand you are trying to keep costs down here, but you probably should involve professionals in this transaction as she does not sound like a trust worthy individual.
      Here in the US she could get in trouble for what she is doing, she is over-stating the purchase price and that is a big no-no.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I actually called TWO real-estate attorneys this week to try to get an appointment to have them review the contract; neither one returned my call (and I called Tuesday, not later in the week, so they’ve had several days). I have the sale agreement in my possession; it’s a form she downloaded off the Internet and filled out in blue ink. I am definitely not doing anything unless an attorney reviews it. But at this point, I just want to move elsewhere. Since we spoke on Tuesday, the owner has been blowing up my phone with texts: When are you going to put the earnest money in escrow? Where is the inspection report? We’re going to look at a house on Tuesday or Wednesday, and we are also going to look at apartments. I want to be able to give notice by June 30 so that we only have to pay one more month of rent here.

        2. tangerineRose*

          I think you’re right on moving elsewhere – the owner of the house you’re living in doesn’t sound trustworthy. A house is a big investment – you want to avoid dealing people who are clearly going to be problematic.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Your purchase agreement does not sound correct. After having bought and sold a couple of homes, this is the way it works. (By the way IANAL but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.)
      – The buyer is the one who prepares the purchase agreement and gives it to the seller. The purchase agreement contains (a) the price that the buyer agrees to pay, (b) a contingency for an inspection with a specified number of days for you to have the inspection completed, and (c) if you are not already approved for the loan amount, a contingency for a certain number of days to get loan approval.
      – Then the seller will come back with an amendment to your purchase agreement specifying the amount that they will agree to accept and any other changes to the conditions that your offer contains. (sometimes this is done verbally and once the two of you come to an agreement, the purchase agreement is amended and each change is initialed by both parties).

      In any event, DO NOT sign a purchase agreement for a price that is higher than you want to pay thinking that you won’t have to pay that amount because the bank will not approve the loan because the house won’t appraise for that amount. Only sign for the amount you are OK paying. Because what happens if the bank appraiser OKs her inflated amount? Then you are stuck buying the house for an inflated price.

    6. Anon for CYA*

      Purchase agreements are legally binding documents and if you have no contingencies that let you out, you would be in trouble and could be forced to buy the house at the price on the PA.

      Also, do you have a financing contingency that says that you are let out of the contract if you can’t finance the house at the price on the purchase agreement. It sounds like you don’t.

      This sounds shady.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Nope. It basically lists the price, how much earnest money she wants us to put in escrow with the title company, who currently holds the mortgage, and the date she wants to close. I knew she was trying to scam us, but I haven’t done this before, so there was 1% of my brain that was wondering if I was totally mistaken.

    7. ..Kat..*

      My husband and I hired a realtor to take care of this stuff for us. Worth every penny.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yeah, that’s what we would normally do, but we already rent the house, so we don’t need an agent to find us listings or anything like that. The landlord also refuses to have an agent involved, as she doesn’t want to pay the fees. We were planning to hire an attorney to review the purchase agreement, negotiate any terms, etc.

  52. Kali*

    My surprise holiday was to Hamburg! I was a bit disappointed at first, because Germany is one of only two European countries I’ve already been to, but at least that meant I speak a tiny bit of German.

    So day 1. Took the u-bahn from the airport to the Hauptbanhof and spent some time just wandering around. The lakes are really pretty! Found food and took pictures of a pigeon with feathery legs (I later looked it up, and that’s due to an upregulation of forelimb genes and a down-regulation of hind limb genes, giving legs wing-like features). Wandered around a bit more, then walked to my hostel (next to Berliner Tor). Early night, I was knackered.

    Next morning, went to Nord Coast for breakfast, near the miniature wonderland. I got talking to a guy from Chicago who was also travelling by himself. He suggested visiting the Reeperbahn.

    I’d walked passed Sankt Nikolai on the way and it looked cool so I went back and looked at the museum in the basement and went up the tower. It was so sad. :( I learned about Operation Gomorrah and the complete devastation of Hamburg. There’s also an exhibit on-loan from Poland about the bombing of Warsaw, and a bit about the bombing of Coventry. I’m from the Midlands, so I’ve been to Coventry and had a picnic in the ruins of the old cathedral. I’ve never really thought about the context before. :(

    I walked through Planten und Blomen after that, because I was thinking about going to the zoological museum. I took some photos of a statue of Kaiser Wilhelm and a German guy stopped to tell me that the statue had been hidden underground during the war and had been lost for five years. He also showed me a way to get onto the bank opposite Planten und Blomen, where the fountain sprayed and it was nice and cool. I didn’t make it to the zoological museum because I went to the museum of Hamburg instead, then to the park for a bit longer.

    I went to 20up, just to see the views. I quite like open bodies of water (because I grew up in the most land-locked city in the UK) so I headed towards the elbe and what turned out to be the pier at Sankt Pauli. Had an ice cream, bought souvenirs, got some nice pictures of sunset over the Elbe, then had some currywurst (if you don’t currywurst, did you even German?). Back to hostel; was planning to walk, but got the u-bahn instead.

    Breakfast the next morning was at Campus Suite. The guy working there stared at my chest a lot, but luckily didn’t speak English, so I could just say “das verstehe ich nicht” and stare at my phone until he handed over my coffee. Looked at the Rathaus and then back to Sankt Pauli for a harbour tour. That was fun. You never really think about the difference in boat sizes until someone turns on the Darth Vader theme and points your passenger boat directly towards a massive tanker while a little speedboat trundles past. I had German fish and chips, just to see what you did with them. It was very odd. Also, on the way there, a German lady told me off for taking photos of a pretty pigeon. It was all white and ginger. You tend to get odd patterns like that when someone has been breeding fancy pigeons and they’ve escaped and/or bred with the local population. I am unclear why she didn’t like that, but I kind of expect to be told off by random Germans at this point. My only theory is that I was facing a park, and maybe it wasn’t totally clear that I was looking down and zoomed in, and maybe she thought I was taking pictures of people?

    While on the boat, I’d spotted a beach where people were bathing, and had opened google maps to look for the nearest u-bahn stops. I went back to the hostel to put my swimsuit on under my clothes before heading to Elbestrand. Also fun. I swan in the Elde, collected shells, and turned myself into a sand mermaid. I put the shells in the dish my orchid sits in. She already has shells from Wales and Scotland.

    I made a thread on the AskEurope subreddit to get recommendations, and one redditor offered to meet for a pint.
    I took him up on it, because I wanted to see the Reeperbahn and decided that an internet stranger was a bit less scary than just wandering about down there by myself. Also, I figured I had a better chance of seeing the good bits that way. It was good, we got cans and wandered about. Saw a lot of prostitutes, who looked a lot less thin/needle-tracked than the ones around here. Also saw a combined brothel and kebab shop. You really have to admire that German efficiency. I learned a lot of football facts which I did not retain and saw the outside of Herbertstrasse. It turns out that that street has a wikipedia article. I looked it up because I was unsure on whether the reasons I imagined I wasn’t allowed down that street were too lurid or too tame. We also went up to the balcony of the Elbphilharmonie, which has curved escalators! I also learned that a headless body was recently found in the Elbe near the Elbestrand, so I went back to the hostel and showered a lot.

    Last day; breakfast at Nord Coast again, because why ruin a good thing? Also, I’d tried their waffles with fruit, maple syrup, and lime-marscapone cream, which was amazing, so I really wanted to see what they did with eggs, salmon, avocado, and bread. They did not disappoint. Then, to Miniatur Wunderland which was, as promised, very cool. :D I had to wait in the cafe for a bit before they let me in, but that was fine, I got to write in my diary for a bit. I liked all the little scenes, like the easter bunny training. I think my favourite bit was the series of dioramas showing the same area in different time periods, so you could see the church getting fancier and the farm getting more technical and then being replaced with a building before the whole thing gets destroyed by bombs. I also like the little scenes that the model makers presumably made just for fun, in the toilets. There are people riding dinosaurs and glitter waterfalls, they’re trippy.

    I went to the Rathaus and finally looked inside it, then got the u-bahn to the otherside of planten und blomen, to finally see the zoological museum. That had a lot less translation, but I’ve been studying genetics for a couple of years now, so I already knew a lot of the theory and information behind the exhibits. It was pretty cool to see little vestigial kiwi wings and vestigial whale hips. I also really like looking at phalanges. They evolved quite a long time ago, and they’re heavily conserved, they just morph a bit in different species. You can stand inside a whale’s jawbone, which is pretty awesome! I quite like that whole area; I had a burrito and a fritz-kola then looked in the comic shops. Then I went back into the city centre and walked around a bit. Bought a new backpack, because my old one was pretty tightly packed with souvenirs and I could do with something inbetween my military backpack and the little pretty ones. I sat by a fountain for a bit and people watched. Two men were loudly shouting about Jesus. I am unclear of what their opinion was, because my German is very bad. I think they were in approval. My flight was delayed, but I had some fun hanging out at the airport, and I got some nice pictures of the sunset over Manchester as we landed.

    Overall, I like Hamburg better than Berlin, which is the only other place in Germany that I’ve been to. It took me a while to remember about the cycle paths; here, the cycle paths are usually on the road rather than the pavement and they’re delineated with white paint rather than a change in brickwork. I got in the way a lot. I also found the ticking at the traffic lights really irritating, presumably just because I’m not used to it. Our traffic lines emit a noise when you can cross, and I don’t even really hear that any more.

    I also noticed that all of the touristy stuff (I got a LOT of souvenirs) tended to be specific to Hamburg. In the UK, wherever you are, you’ll find a mix of local and London/royal family specific souvenirs. I’ve also found Shakespeare souvenirs in Salisbury. Maybe because the UK is smaller? Or because we’re famous for very specific things?

    I got a LOT of souvenirs because I realised that I was very much in budget and could therefore afford to indulge myself. I have 2 nautical bracelets, a captain’s hat, a carnival mask (I just thought it looked cool, it’s not really designed as a souvenir), a little jar of sand/small shells held up by a little seagull ornament, a 0 euro note and a squished 5c piece, both from the miniature museum, lots of stickers, some Elbkiesel, many, many postcards (I collect postcards; they go on my walls), and lots of leaflets and ticket stubs to stick in my diary. I also have a handful of Euro coins, which I wouldn’t normally consider souvenirs, but I cba to go get them changed and I’m about to move into a house with children who might get a kick out of them

    1. fposte*

      This sounds like a super-cool outing (I love “I think they were in approval”), with a wonderful balance of plans and spontaneity. I will note your restaurant recommendation if I ever go.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I have been to Germany a few times but never Hamburg, so I will have to check it out! Your comment about the efficiency of the kebab shop/brothel cracked me up!

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you for sharing about visit. I felt I was wandering the streets with you.

    3. Cristina in England*

      It is so cool that you went on a surprise holiday. When my kids are old enough that I am willing to fly with them I would love to do something like this.

    4. Kali*

      Oh, forgot to add. I initially typed this up for commenters on my reddit thread in r/AskEurope. They live in Hamburg so there are a quite a lot of things I didn’t explain; just ask me if it’s not clear what I’m referring to.

    5. Anonymosity*

      This sounds like a lovely trip! I’ve been to the UK a few times but not to Germany. I need to go; I’ve got friends over there–one near Dusseldorf–and I want to visit them. The museum sounds cool. I’m a huge museum nerd.

      I think the souvenir thing is because UK’s famous for certain things. The red phone booths and buses in London, Shakespeare, Stonehenge, a tea towel with the royals on it, etc. In the US, you see a lot of people come back with that stuff when they visit, instead of something specific.

      My favorite souvenirs are things I buy randomly and will use, like scarves or jewelry. Also, I have a habit of picking up cool rocks when I go places. I picked up a rock someplace special and put it in a necklace. Shh, don’t tell; I’ll set it free the next time I go back. ;)

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Hamburg is supposed to be up and coming hot spot now- we are looking for a European city break for early fall and this could be fun! We’ve already done Berlin a few times (not keen on the vibe there) and Cologne, Frankfurt, Munich, Mainz, so somewhere new, but not East, would be cool.

      Great trip report!

      1. Kali*

        When I visited Berlin I felt like I had to be on guard all the time, like people were always asking for money. :( For instance, there were people playing some kind of betting game in the city centre with an obvious stooge who kept making silly mistakes. If you indicated that you knew the actual answer they’d start encouraging you to play with your own money, presumably getting a lot better at the game when you did.

  53. Kitty Kai*

    I just got a new oncidium orchid and I’m looking for advice from more experienced orchid enthusiasts! I have a few phalaenopsis orchids and a paphiopedilum, and those are doing well. This will be my first oncidium, and I could use any advice you can give! The label names it a oncidium ‘Roman Candles’, but the lips of the blooms have white patches, which is different from the solid red I see in photos online for this variety.

    1. Anonerson*

      I don’t have any advice, but I’d love to see what others have to say! I have a couple phalaenopsis orchids as well, and I’ve been thinking about branching out to other varieties. Your oncidium sounds really pretty!

  54. Anarctic Heart*

    I live and work in a remote research facility with hundreds of people, where we are all away from our families and friends. I’m a single woman, late-20s professional, and in no rush to settle down. However, I would like to be in a relationship in the near/medium term with the right person. For the last few months I’ve been seeing someone who also works here. We’ve been spending every other night together and while it has been casual, I enjoy his company, he is thoughtful and kind and the physical connection has been incredible. In the last few weeks I realized that I have developed feelings, though due to our travel schedules, didn’t tell him before he left on a month long assignment elsewhere. Today I learned that he has a girlfriend. I’m very sad and disappointed, and I feel really stupid. In the last few years I have had my heart broken a couple of times and I just don’t know if it’s worth trying to make a connection with anyone anymore. Any words of wisdom?

    1. Ktelzbeth*

      Do you mean to say he had the girlfriend while you were spending every other night together? It’s not quite clear. If he did, then that is awful! Also, it is all on him. You are not stupid. How were you to know? It is entirely his responsibility to tell you about other entanglements. Even if one or both of you are poly, part of the deal in every poly relationship I have been in or known about is being honest with partners/potential partners about everyone else involved.

      I’m so sorry. I’ve actually been there, but didn’t get as attached before I found out about the wife(!). On the third or so date, after hearing a few times about his kids but never seeing them, I asked where they were. “Oh,” he answered, “They are up in Oregon with my wife.” That was our last date. Before that experience, I would not have dreamed I would have to ask someone outright if they were available and instead trusted in them not to take up with me if they were. Now, I’d seriously consider it, if I were to date someone I hadn’t know long enough casually first to already know.

      Is it worth trying to make a connection with someone else? Probably sometime again, though that time may take a while. I say this as someone who hasn’t done particularly well in love themselves. I don’t look all that hard anymore, but I don’t think I’d turn away someone who showed up. I’m just a lot more realistic about possible non-permanent outcomes.

      1. Antarctic* Heart*

        Yes, he has had a girlfriend the whole time and didn’t tell me. I didn’t think to ask. I found out when he popped up on my “suggested friends” list and I saw his relationship status and their pictures. Maybe they are poly, maybe not (VERY doubtful). I’m not the biggest believer in monogamy, but definitely believe in transparency and honesty. I keep going over all the times where he could have told me and it 50% makes me sad and 50% pissed off. I am lonely. There is not a large dating pool! I have been let down so much recently by people, I’m starting to feel hopeless that I’ll ever find someone who actually cares.

        1. Beatrice*

          Have you talked to him about it? Do you know if he actively uses Facebook? Is there any chance they broke up and he just didn’t bother to update Facebook, or forgot he even had it? I don’t always keep my social media up to date – my Linkedin account hasn’t been updated in 4 years and 2 jobs.

          1. Mallory*

            This. It’s a Hail Mary but you never know. My husband’s Facebook photo is of him and my oldest, at age 2. She’s the oldest of 3 now and is 7. He has not logged in in years.

  55. Trixie*

    I’m way overdue for wellness visit and finally scheduled a check-up. I don’t have a PCP to speak of, I remember it being a challenge to find someone both in my network and accepting new patients. I am wondering if my thyroid is enlarged or if bad lighting in bathroom is playing tricks on me. I asked for blood work with appt to check thyroid levels. I have a couple weeks to verify what my insurance covers and if that includes full panel.

  56. Time Bomb of Petulance*

    I started trying to lose weight about two weeks ago. Since then, I am down about 5 lbs. and have reached the point where it feels weird to not exercise during the day. I’m pretty pleased. :)

  57. Junior Dev*

    I’m thinking of upgrading my wardrobe some. Both work clothes (I work in tech and can get away with jeans but I’d like to have a few nicer things like skirt suits or tailored pantsuits on hand) and dressier clothes for date nights/parties. I am especially looking for clothes that will flatter my shape and last a long time/look well constructed.

    I’m thinking of going to a personal shopper at Nordstrom or similar, but concerned because I’m plus size (like a 14-16 in dresses and an 18-20 in pants) and also like to sort of gender-bend in my personal expression. And I don’t wear heels over an inch. I also don’t know how much I should expect to spend if I go this route.

    Anyone have experience with personal shoppers? I know there are online services but I’m wary because I want to try things on and see how they fit.

    1. Mimmy*

      Don’t do what I did – I recently used Macy’s personal shopper service. The woman was very nice. However, I should’ve been wary when she didn’t ask the questions I would’ve expected, such as height, age, style preferences (she just asked what colors I liked and my size). I got to the appointment to find a wall of dresses that looked like they’d fit a MUCH taller woman! Thank goodness she also had some tops and a couple of pants, and I was able to find an outfit I liked.

      I’ll certainly be following this thread too!

    2. Mallory*

      I mentioned above that I’ve done stitchfix and Nordstrom. I’m a 12/14 and hard to fit (tall, curvy) and it only took stitchfix two “fixes” to nail my size. The stuff they sent me (jeans!! Work pants!! Proper length dresses!!) for me perfectly. My issues were far more with honing style than sizing.

      Nordstrom was great, but I did have to give them a heads up as I’m a tall and they don’t have much stock.

  58. Update on he wants a baby*

    I haven’t posted under this handle for a while as things have been quite settled, but I wanted to revive it briefly. I realized last night that sometime since the beginning of June the one year anniversary of me leaving my ex-husband passed without me even noticing. Things are good. Thank you to everyone who listened and offered support and strength to everyone still trying to find their way out of a bad relationship.

    2. nep*

      That is a great milestone and a testament to your resilience. Thanks for the update.

    1. anonymouse*

      I made a French tart last weekend and it was yummy. It feeds two or three people.

      Lay a tart form out with baking paper.
      Put puff pastry dough on the bottom and sides of your tart form.
      Make a sauce from 3 eggs, 200g sour cream, 200g diced Brie or other mild cheese, 1 teaspoon of mustard, 1/2 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of dried herbs that you like (I used Provencal herbs).
      Put half of the sauce on the dough and set the other half aside.
      Cut 125g salami into thin slices.
      Get 2 zucchini and 3 carrots, wash them, peel the carrots. Maybe cut the zucchini in halves or quarters lengthwise if they are on the thicker side. Then use a potato peeler to cut the zucchini and carrots into very thin slices and start layering them and the salami into your tart from the outside to the inside. Just start by leaning the slices against the outside of your tart form – peel side up, if you left the peel on the zucchini – and then work your way to the middle, alternating zucchini, carrots and salami. It’ll look like someone practiced drawing concentric circles with three crayons – orange, green and red.
      When you’re done, pour the rest of the sauce on top and bake according to whatever the dough says – mine was in the oven at 200°C for 25 minutes.

      Warning: Making the thin vegetable slices with the potato peeler and stacking them in circles in the tart form takes forever, but it looks great. Next time, I’m just gonna dice the vegetables.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      I made bibimbap for the first time last night and it was lovely. This recipe was pretty good; I think definitely get gochujang not sweet chilli sauce (that’s just spicy jam) but I was less fussy re veg – I used a packet of ore-chopped stir fry veg. Also i used sliced pork fillet instead of beef mince because that is what I had. Also honey instead of light brown sugar, same reason.

      http://www.goodhousekeeping.co.uk/food/recipes/bibimbap#

      I’m aware this is in UK conventions so if it’s helpful – a teaspoon is probably the same (about 5ml) and our tablespoon is three teaspoons. Courgettes are what we call zucchini. Other than that I think it includes weights in ounces as well as grams.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Ok comment awaiting moderation because of the link which is cool – just realised I should note I think minced beef = ground beef for USAians.

  60. Ermintrude Mulholland*

    I would really appreciate laptop recommendations! I am in the uk. I’d rather spend £600 or less, but want something with good speed and storage, and the ability to do some graphics work and video calls.

    1. TheLiz*

      I got a refurbished Lenovo ThinkPad x220 (model no is VERY important – later models are a lot less good) for about £200. It needed the RAM swapping out to get really good performance, but it will take 8GB no problem and can theoretically manage 16GB. If you ended up with EXACTLY the one I have it’d also need an external webcam or webcam repair, because the lens is frosted over, but I can’t imagine that would cost much and its main advantage is that it’s super, super robust. Mine fell off a table and landed point-down on the floor. Laptop is fine, floor is dented! It’s designed to allow liquid spills to flow through, so juice can be rinsed out (if it’s switched off). I get about 5 hrs battery life, but bought a second battery for ~£30.Internal hard drive is only 300 GB, but again it can be swapped out with very little difficulty – there’s a port on the edge of the case which unscrews. I also LOVE that it’s got an old-style TrackPoint system (‘nipple mouse’) as well as a touchpad.

  61. Sparkly Librarian*

    It’s officially library summer! Things are of course very busy at w!rk; the first day of summer reading happens to coincide with an annual music community event I’ve been looking forward to for months. I’ll be leaving right after the party I am in charge of to catch the last of the workshops and an evening concert. Of COURSE I thought it was a good idea to take a toddler for the weekend while his mom undergoes minor surgery. And on top of that, a family friend had an emergency health crisis two days ago and is now being taken off life support, and we will be hosting his partner (for an indeterminate length of time) because they were in the middle of an out-of-state move (no longer going to happen) and have to be out of the local rental by the 14th. So there’s also the packing and moving to handle.

    It’s both awful (that it had to happen) and really amazing to watch a community of friends and acquaintances step up to support the bereaved — emotionally, financially, practically. People are coming from all over the area to pack boxes, move them to storage, drop off supplies and food for the work crew, drive her to and from the hospital and make sure she eats and rests, run interference with the in-laws… I don’t know her partner really at all (they’re friends of my wife), but the two of them dropped off food and flowers when we had our own family crisis in April, and it’s clear from the response the past couple of days that they both have a long history of this sort of kindness, which is now being repaid.

  62. Going anon*

    I feel awful. My friend wanted to go on a trail ride and I wanted to as well. So we loaded up our horses in her trailer and drove them to the park. We tacked up and got on. My horse was fine but hers was not. He did not want to walk forward, so she kicked him and he reacted by rearing up, kicking out and absolutely launching her into the air.

    She got the wind knocked out of her and after 10 minutes, could not get a breath. So I called my other friend, who came over right away. We got the horses untacked and on the trailer. My friend drove the trailer back to the barn and I took my friend who fell to the er.

    I am waiting and I just feel awful. I should have not agreed to go with her. Hee horse was just a complete turd and I don’t think anyone could have stayed on. I feel like this is all my fault.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      It’s not your fault in any way!!

      Animals will be animals some days.

      I hope your friend is okay. Keep us posted if you can.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        Thank you. I feel like I should not have agreed to go because I knew her horse could be a bit of a butt. But she’s taken him to shows, lessons off property, and ridden him around the field at the barn, so I thought he would be OK. And I know she really wanted to go.

    2. Kuododi*

      Why on Earth would this be your fault? You didn’t shoot the horse with a BB gun to “cause” him to startle and throw your friend or something else equally crazy!!! Sounds like you handled the situation admirably. Now someone else who actually knows the nuts and bolts of horseback riding would certainly be able to give better feedback as they would see things I might have missed in your story. Best wishes to you and your friends.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        Thank you. I knew her horse could be a butthead but she’s taken him off property before and ridden him out in the field at the barn, so I thought he would be OK. I just feel like I shouldn’t have agreed to go or made up an excuse not to go and then she would have been safe.

        Also, whelp so much for anonymity.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          No, it’s on her for deciding to take her horse somewhere it couldn’t handle, and then ignoring the signs the horse wasn’t going to cooperate.

          On the other hand, you now know that you can’t trust this horse *owner* to be sensible, and can turn down any and all requests to go riding with her on those grounds.

        2. Observer*

          I agree with AcademiaNut.

          I don’t ride, but as soon as I read “did not want to walk forward,” I was thinking Uh-Oh.

        3. TL -*

          No, her horse is her responsibility. Period. She is an adult, she knows her horse best, and she gets to decide what risks she’s comfortable taking. It’s not your job or right to decide what’s safe for her and her horse.

    3. fposte*

      Wait, how are you seeing this as your fault? Unless you opened an umbrella in the horse’s face or are actually the horse posting, I can’t see how this is on you.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        Ha, if I was the horse posting I might say something like “I didn’t want to be ridden for (insert reason here) so obviously I had to launch my owner and rider into the air. How dare they have tried to take me on a nice ride.”

        Actually, my friend who took the horses back said that her horse is rather agitated. Who knows what got into him. He can really be a butt which is the nicest insult I have for that horse right now.

        1. fposte*

          She’s a grownup and she knows her own horse; riding is always a calculated risk. It’s not your job to keep everything from happening.

    4. Going anon maybe*

      Thanks everyone for the supportive comments. I got back to see my friend and she is OK but may have to stay overnight. Two other barn friends have come to see her too.

      1. Alpha Bravo*

        I’d say it’s lucky you agreed to go with her. What if she had decided to go alone? You were right there to help her.

        2. tangerineRose*

          I was also thinking “What if she decided to go alone?” She might have died. You may have saved her life.

          At any rate, this is not your fault.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      This is why veteran horse riders talk about the importance of getting right back on the horse. It’s so easy to get air borne and land hard. It happens so very often. This is SO not your fault. I hope your friend is okay. Let us know if you can.

    6. OperaArt*

      He’s her horse. She knows her horse as well or better than you do. She is a competent adult. She gets to decide if she wants to go on a trail ride. She decided she did. The horse decided he didn’t.

      I honestly can’t see anything in this story that makes it your fault, no matter how hard I look. In fact, I can’t see anything in this story that gives you much power at all over the outcome. You just happened to be there, you helped her. That’s good.

    7. Going anon*

      Thanks everyone for the supportive comments. My friend ended up with some broken ribs and a partially collapsed lung. I had to leave the er because more friends came and there were only a limited number of visitors allowed. I know it was good that I was with her to call for help and take care of the horses and drive her to the hospital. Of course, I also feel like if I had not agreed to go with, none of this would have happened. But I also know that horses are unpredictable and heart breaking, so there’s that too. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have an easier hobby like regularly lighting my money on fire.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        lighting money on fire…. ha! I think we all have some of that going on in our lives.

      2. NiceOrc*

        Going anon – if you hadn’t gone with her, she might have gone by herself and then had NO help when her horse threw her. It was a GOOD thing you were there. Give yourself a hug and a pat on the back!

    8. KR*

      You’re a grown-up, your horse is a grown-up, she’s a grown-up, and the horse is a grown-up. If we’re being honest here it’s the horses fault and your horse and the butt-horse were probably having a conversation in the horse trailer like, “Hey dude I was really looking forward to that ride. Why did you do that?”. Your friend agreed to take the horse out, put him in a trailer, ect. I’m sure she will be ok. Modern health Care is awesome. You can try again another day once butt-horse is feeling better.

    9. Triple Anon*

      It’s not your fault. It’s not the horse’s fault. Your friend chose to take a risk, as others have pointed out. But no one is sticking up for the horse! He’s not a butt. He’s an animal that doesn’t do well with certain situations. Whether it’s lacking of training or bad experiences early in life or just a quirky temperment, this is an animal that isn’t adjusting to what people expect of him – things that horses are bred for but that aren’t exactly natural for them. We create these high risk situations and sometimes things go wrong. I hope your friend feels better soon. I think it sucks for all involved, but there no need to feel guilty or point fingers (or hooves?).

  63. Aurora Leigh*

    Moving update!

    My cats have adjusted very well to moving in with my boyfriend (and his cat and dog). I wasn’t sure what to expect, but we’ve been moved for a week now and they have found their new favorite nap places and cuddle us in bed at night. His cat is a little slower to warm up, but she is eating and using the litter box normally and still seeking him out for affection.

    They have woken us up in the middle of the night a few times hissing and growling at each other, but that does seem to be slowly lessening.

    We have a long list of projects for the house to work on, and I still need to get the furniture from my old apt, but it feels so good to no longer be pulled between two homes (with pets in each).

    Going to have a big cookout next month to celebrate inviting all our friends and the approving family.

    As I detailed the debacle with my parents last week, not going to invite them . . . I just feel very tired of dealing with their disapproval and need for control. If minor sibling were not still at home, I would be ready to cut ties after our fight. But I want to keep a relationship with sibling, so for now I will keep a semblance of relationship with parents for now.

    1. tangerineRose*

      Sounds like you’re doing well.

      I think cats who are new to each other will do some hissing – it can be a way for them to tell each other “not cool” when a cat is annoyed by another. I adopted a young adult kitty a few years ago, and the cats I already had did do some hissing, but things have worked out. I didn’t leave the new kitty alone with the other kitties for quite a while though.

  64. Kuododi*

    I’m typing this in “one finger hunt and peck” ,Had the carpal tunnel surgery on my left hand yest. Everything went smoothly…not a single hiccup! I’m told the actual proceedure only took about 15 min. The staff was absolutely wonderful, very helpful and supportive. I’m a bit loopy on pain meds but otherwise fine. Wound check in two weeks.

    1. nep*

      Glad staff was wonderful and operation went fine! Sound recovery to you. Keep us posted.

    2. Thursday Next*

      Good luck! CT release surgery was such a transformative experience for me. I shouldn’t have waited so long.

      It’s good you’re already moving your fingers around—it’ll make for a faster recovery.

  65. Turtlewings*

    I came down with a really nasty cold on March 15th. Finally got over that cold, and came down with another. And another. And another. I am just getting over Cold #4 in less than three months… and now my throat is starting to feel scratchy. I want to SCREAM. I literally just canceled a much-needed dental appointment because I wasn’t quite symptom-free yet, and I’m already getting ANOTHER one.

    I mean, it could be the same one? But it feels different. They’ve all started with pain in my throat followed shortly by nasal congestion, usually moving into my ears and chest as well, but all in different ways. For instance, right now my throat feels scratchy, and the last one never felt scratchy, it was more of a stinging, thirsty-feeling pain, and the time before that it felt hot and swollen.

    I did finally go to a doctor — okay, sort of, I called one of those “teladoctor” things because it’s so much cheaper and I felt too miserable to leave the house. He prescribed me a course of antibiotics in case it was strep or an upper respiratory infection; I just took the last dose last night. I’ve also started taking a vitamin C supplement.

    I’ve always been susceptible to colds, and I have two baby nephews and live with a teacher so I know I get exposed to a lot of stuff. But this is RIDICULOUS and I am so tired of it.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I had a similar problem and my underlying issue was chronic allergies. Probably checking with an allergy doc might help? I had ear infections that were like hot needles going into my ear canals. My own little hell on earth.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Yikes, that sounds really unpleasant! I really don’t think it’s allergies, because I’ve tried taking allergy medication and it doesn’t do a thing to help. I don’t know, I guess anything’s possible. I should probably go to a doctor but I’m on a high-deductible insurance plan and I’m so afraid that I’ll just shell out a bunch of money I can’t spare and be told “yep, you get a lot of colds.”

        1. Observer*

          Well, if you have underlying allergies, taking some one-off medication might not help. If you have an underlying issue, finding it would let you deal with it, and make you less susceptible overall.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes. I did not think I had allergies. The chronic mucus acted like a little greenhouse for infection in my ears and throat. It was impossible to separate out what was allergy and what was a cold. The inside of my head/face was a swamp and I could not stop getting colds and ear infections.

    2. foolofgrace*

      At the first sign of a cold — the very first; for me it’s the third sneeze that triggers the need — I take Zycam. It’s a zinc lozenge. It cuts the time the cold lasts in half. In fact, during “cold season” I keep a bottle of Zycam in my purse because it’s really important to take it as soon as possible, the sooner you take it, the shorter the cold.

    3. Courageous cat*

      I would think it would be difficult to get this many colds in this short of a timespan due to adaptive immunity. I would go to the doctor and try to look at the bigger picture here. I went through a short period of time where, for similar reasons, I thought I was going to need to get my tonsils removed.

      1. Southernbelle*

        No…. that’s not how adaptive immunity works. It makes your immune system respond to the cold you just had, not the rapidly-mutating virus that is now a Completely New Cold, which you’re about to get.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Shrug, I’m not a biologist, just a thought considering I rarely hear about people getting cold after cold after cold in a short period of time.

  66. acmx*

    I failed to remember and heed The Librarian (not the type from TNT)’s tale and accidentally updated Windows 10 n my laptop.

    I’m no longer tech savvy: How do I obtain a clean version of Win10 to install back onto my laptop?

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’m flattered you remembered! But I’m really sorry this happened to you, too. I’ve always been a PC person and this is the first time I’ve thought about paying the extra money for a Mac next time.

      I always have problems with links here, but Google “Start fresh with a clean installation of Windows 10” and the first result should be a webpage with that title from Microsoft. There will be a tool that you can download onto a flash drive. (I was fortunate that I had an old, still working laptop to do this from.) You then plug the flash drive into your fried laptop and press F11 when it’s booting up to get to a menu where you’ll ultimately be able to load the clean version of Windows from the flash drive, if I’m remembering correctly.

      Note: All of your old files will be hidden in an “Old Windows” folder, but should still be there. The fresh copy of Windows 10 will also wipe out any apps you have on your computer; for instance, I had to reload Microsoft Office from a CD I was lucky enough to still have. Overall, it’s a real pain in the arse, but doing this should save your laptop (at least until it needs to do another update). Good luck.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Er….what was this warning?

        I updated my Windows 10 last night because my computer wouldn’t let me shut it down without updating. Have I accidentally buggered my computer?

        1. acmx*

          Um sorry to say but maybe. I was able to use my laptop a bit before mine suddenly blue screen of death.

          If you are able to use it after the update, I’d back it up.

        2. Emily*

          Your computer might be okay! I updated around the same time that The Librarian did, and haven’t had any problems. It’s probably smart to do a backup, regardless.

      2. acmx*

        Thank you! I did a quick search and didn’t find what I needed so your search phrase is great.
        I’m working now so hopefully I can get the process started afterwards. I have a desktop that I can use for the flash drive.

      3. acmx*

        Well, my laptop says I don’t have the option to boot from a USB. I will need to spend some time digging around online but I’m not hopeful. I had to wipe my desktop a couple of years ago again thanks to microsoft. The irony was that I sincerely had plans to do a back up but the crash occurred first.

  67. Triple Anon*

    Weekly ups and downs:

    – Someone tried to scam me and nearly succeeded. I lost money doing work that I won’t be paid for. Shady stuff happened. I might have to file a police report. I’m really, really, really not looking forward to that.

    – I’m very broke and looking for a better Thing We Don’t Discuss On Weekends. I went out last night, hungry and only drinking water, but socializing. Feeling light headed from not eating made the socializing more of a challenge, but it was ok. Later, I found a little cash stashed away, so I should be able to get by for a while, marginally.

    – I’m starting to meet more people I genuinely like, and feel attracted to people. I’m going to get my finances in order before dating anyone, but it’s good to feel like that could happen. I can even say I have a crush or two!

    – Projects are going well. I’m enjoying a little success, but it’s not an income-generating kind and probably never will be. Still good to have in my life, though.

    So basically, life is good, but I need more income, more friends, and to get past the impact of surviving some bad stuff. But I’m focused on the positive.

    1. Anonymosity*

      I’m worried that you’re hungry. Is there a food pantry in your area where you can get some things to tide you over? That’s what they are for; no shame in that. A lot of them don’t ask for proof of income, either.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Thank you for being concerned! I was without food on Friday night, but the next morning, I found $45 in a coat pocket. So I ate, fueled up the car, did some work, and talked to other people in my field about finding similar gigs and making it more profitable. I didn’t make a ton of money yesterday, but at least I’m not starving. I think things will turn around.

    2. Reba*

      So sorry that happened. I know you’re embarking on some new kinds of projects and it sucks to have that kind of setback. I’m glad to read you were able to have some chat and advice with peers, that is both practical and encouraging. Hope things keep looking up!

  68. Aurora Leigh*

    Any people her with 3d printers? My bf ordered one after much delibration as bday present/treat from the all overtime he has had latlely.

    We are excited to try it out! What are your favorite things you’ve made?

  69. First time bathing suit shopping*

    Going to ask possibly the most wtf question ever and hopefully it doesn’t veer into gross religious or political territory… but how do you shop for a swimsuit? ?? is it supposed to be tight or loose ???

    If it matters–I grew up in a super conservative family so no beach, no showing skin. The few times I’ve been to a beach as an adult I really liked it, and being in the water (could roll pants up to calves).

    I’d like to learn how to swim, so I’m pretty sure linen pants or calf length jeans will not suffice for swimming lessons.

    I do not have the body type nor confidence to wear a bikini/2 piece. One piece yes, hell I’d love to wear a burkini but I doubt my local target or walmart would sell them.

    1. fposte*

      I would definitely discourage you on the jeans :-).

      They are generally skimming the body, and usually they will look tighter than dry-land clothes because of the thin and stretchy material. However, if you look at a place like Lands’ End, which caters to a wider age range, you can see that they have swim dresses, which will have more coverage and less definition on the lower part of your body, and you can pair them (or any other top) with shorts-style swim bottoms as well. You can also look into tankinis, which are basically yer standard tank swim suit broken into two pieces, so “two piece” doesn’t have to mean bikini and may give you more options. You can also have a look at rash guards/coverups that you can wear around on the beach or poolside if you want more coverage when you’re not in the water.

      Whether your local Target or Walmart will offer those will depend on the store, but the Target website definitely includes tankinis and coverups, at least. I like Lands’ End because they are unafraid of being utilitarian but generally avoid the completely butt-ugly.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Also Lands End offers swim shorts in varying lengths, and occasionally swim capris. You can wear a rash guard for more coverage on the top.

    2. Turtlewings*

      It’s supposed to be pretty tight, because once you’re in the water, a loose one will try to float off of you! Not so tight that it hurts or impedes your movement, of course. And yeah, you definitely need a suit! Most public pools won’t let you into the water in street clothes.

      1. First time bathing suit shopping*

        Interesting. How come mens shorts/swim trunks are loose fitting?

        1. Turtlewings*

          They’re still tight around the waist — usually elastic, I think. (I’ve never paid much attention to men’s swim trunks, honestly!)

        2. fposte*

          Entrenched gender treatment. However, competitive male swimmers will go for skin-tight as well, to reduce drag.

        3. Middle School Teacher*

          Most of the men I know will say it’s because they “need the extra room”…

        4. LilySparrow*

          Also because they have a structural piece underneath that hugs the body and holds it on. The baggy part is an overlay.

          My tankini top works pretty much the same way: there’s a bra piece that fits like a sports bra, and the outer fabric is more flowy.

        5. Thlayli*

          Men’s swim suits generally have a tight mesh section to keep everything in, with a looser shorts on top. Basically it’s a swimsuit wit a pair of shorts over it. It’s purely for modesty – believe it or not most men are uncomfortable showing off their penises in skin tight clothing in public.

          They are for men who are not serious swimmers though – if a man wants to swim fast he has to accept the lack of privacy and wear a Speedo-type suit.

        6. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Over here those loose fitting trunks are no longer allowed in pools, actually, for hygienic reasons (don’t ask me what the specific reasons are, though, I don’t work at a pool).

          1. Jemima Bond*

            I think it’s because they don’t trust people not to wear the shorts outside as normal shorts, getting dust and grime on, then get in the pool. I remember on French/Italian campsites as a child, they made men and boys wear tight swimming trunks because they said otherwise people would play football and volleyball, get sand, dust, grass etc on themselves which would then end up in the pool when they swam. They basically want to be sure you’ve put on a clean garment just before getting in the pool.

    3. catsaway*

      Definitely don’t wear street clothes – most pools won’t allow them. Like fposte said, look at Land’s End because they have all sorts of swim suits. You might also want to look for swim or board shorts and rash guards/swim shirts. Those are clothes that are more like shorts and a t-shirt but for swimming (so still form fitting). Companies that sell swim gear for sun protection (I know coolibar is one) will have swim shirts/shorts so you should be able to find clothing that you’ll feel more comfortable in and still be able to safely swim.

    4. TheLiz*

      A swimsuit should be tight but not too tight. Expanding that unhelpful statement a bit, you shouldn’t be able to pinch an inch of it between two fingers without stretching it any, but you should be able to do so at all. It should sit on the torso just a little bit stretched. I like my one-pieces tight enough circumferentially to offer some bust support, but loose enough long-wise that it doesn’t pinch at shoulder or hip.

      You might also consider a wet-suit. Wet-suits can come in knee-to-neck-to-elbow as well as ankle-to-neck-to-wrist, and are generally quite thick so they aren’t as figure-showing, but they’re designed for water performance so you won’t run into any problems. Burkinis are also available online (eBay as well as specialist retailers). Stretchy means the sizing isn’t as critical and many sellers accept returns ;)

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          Late, but if you have a little flexibility in the budget, look at Hydrochic and Freya. I like Freya because they have good support (bra sizing) and boy shorts or skirts in some styles; I buy their two pieces sets on eBay because I don’t “care” if it is this season’s style, just that they fit. However, if you are in a pool – and any kind of chemical – regularly, you may want to look for “chlorine resistance.” I need to return to the pool (family demands – so tied to the house right now). To give me something to look forward to, I bought a nice set of board shorts and baseball style top (and swim bra) from Hydrochic in chlorine resistant fabric. I wrecked two Freya sets doing laps and water aerobics at our local pool.
          I’ve had surgery on my legs and didn’t want the scars to be super noticeable. And, even though I am pretty thin (now), I’ve lost 165 pounds and things are “not” exactly perfect! more fabric is better.

    5. Lirael*

      I have a certain amount of body anxiety, and I’ve found some swim stuff that I’ve liked at coolibar – they specialize in sun protection, so they have swim shorts (and full length leggings), and rash guards that you can wear to swim with a bikini top or something similar underneath. With an outfit like that, you can be as covered in swimwear as you would be in street clothes. Not that you need to be – no one will be nearly as focused on what you’re wearing to swim as you are – but that might be an easier starting point. It should be form-fitting; definitely not loose, but it doesn’t need to be overly tight either. I also have a swim dress that I like from athleta (worn with swim shorts underneath), though it does float up a bit in the water.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      Swimoutlet.com has an entire section called “Modest Swimwear”! I have not purchased that type of swimwear from them, but I have purchased other swimsuits and have found them to be a really good company in the past.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      It’s becoming more common to find (and see people wearing) full sleeve swim shirts and full length swim pants. If you search online, you might get a good sense of what the styles are so you know what to expect them to look like on you.

      For swimsuits, the fit really depends on what you’re after. High support tops or ‘control top’ styles will fit really tight, like spanx or sports bras. There are loose top styles, with a blousy part over a bra-style top, that are more modest. You can find tankinis where the bra part fits like a bra and the rest of it hangs loosely around your middle (I personally don’t like this because the loose fabric floats up in the water!). Rash guards are meant to fit pretty tight to the skin so they don’t ride up, but if you just want the sun protection or modesty, order up a size and the fit will be more relaxed.

      If you want leg coverage, go with a board short (less fitted, usually to the knee) or leggings-style bottom. There are swim skirts if you find leggings to be too body conscious by themselves. The material is the key thing, you want clothing that’s designed for water – linen and denim wouldn’t be allowed in a pool (cotton is usually allowed because people do wear t-shirts sometimes, but it’s not great in water) and would be really uncomfortable in salt water.

      1. Reba*

        Yes! I have a long sleeve rash guard and swim leggings (aka swim tights, surf leggings). I wear them over a bikini. I initially got them because I love beaches but was getting serious about sun protection, but I’ve found that I really like have more, um, area covered in general.

        You might look at companies that cater to surfers or outdoorspeople as they may have more practical options (versus aiming for cute looks). Mine are from a company called Seea. Swim outlet, Athleta, and Lands End also have some.

    8. Beatrice*

      Even if you shop online, you should consider trying some on in person first, especially to figure out how one-pieces fit your body. For example, I have a long torso – my shoulder to crotch length is unusually long. I have to buy one-piece swimsuits 1-2 sizes larger than my normal clothing side, to get enough length. My friend has a very short torso and high-set boobs. Swimsuits that would be semi-low-cut on an average body would expose half her chest, so she avoids them and tends to favor halter-neck styles. Both of those things are things she and I know about our bodies from swimsuit shopping, that wouldn’t necessarily ever be a consideration when wearing anything else.

      1. First time bathing suit shopping*

        That’s what I would prefer, trying on in person as opposed to buying online, esp for something new. I have an apple shape, most of my weight is in my midsection and inner thighs. When I buy dresses, I have to go by the waist size, even if the shoulder/chest is too loose. I am not sure if swimsuits sizing is similar to dress sizing.

        1. nonprofit director*

          I have similar but opposite sizing issues. When I shop online, I order at least two sizes and then return those items that do not fit.

        2. Ktelzbeth*

          Some cities have swim suit boutiques. The whole shop is swimwear and you get a personal shopper. I got my last suit at one. It was pricy, but the selection was great and I had struck out at other stores. If you want to try on a bunch of things and are in the right place, that might be an option.

      2. Cristina in England*

        @Beatrice, you can buy long length one-pieces. Speedo make them, and companies like Land’s End do too. Google long torso bathing suit and you should get results! Also a tankini top might work (LLBean’s are long enough for me).

    9. anonagain*

      I have never bought anything from swimoutlet, so I can’t speak to their customer service or anything. I’ve found it useful to look through because they have many different styles of suits, so I could get an idea of what I might be comfortable with. You can filter by coverage (for the cut of the bottom) and they have some religious swimwear too.

      I love being in the water so much and I really hope you have an awesome experience learning to swim.

    10. LCL*

      Maybe an aquatard? That’s a one piece garment, tank top or short sleeve on top, bottom part is shorts. Like a baby’s onesie, but more fitted, in swimsuit fabric.

    11. Jane*

      I am not comfortable showing skin at the beach. My own solution is buying a swimdress and then wear a sports undershirt underneath. Both are in black so it’s not really noticeable that it is two separate pieces and this way I can move around and jump and run and be absolutely certain that there will never be any kind of cleavage showing. If you do choose some short of shirt, be aware that the fabric will float in the water and not cover your thighs at this point. I decided that once I am in the water people won’t look that closely at my surmerged body and instead just do their own thing. Good luck with finding a solution that works for you :)

    12. LilySparrow*

      I’m very happy with my most recent purchase of swim separates.

      The bottoms are actually a little skort, like a smaller version of a tennis skirt. The top has a fairly high halter neck, fits through the bust, and hangs a bit loose over the waistband. It’s very comfortable and the neckline means I don’t have to worry about my cleavage falling out.

      The back is more bare (that’s the nature of a halter). It doesn’t bother me, but it may be too much for you.

      When we need to cover my kids from sunburn, we put them in rash-guard shirts, which have high necks and elbow-length sleeves.

    13. HannahS*

      I am profoundly uncomfortable in most swimsuits. Not to get too TMI, but a) I consider most of my body None Of Your Business, Thank You Very Much and b) doing ANYTHING to my bikini line results in horrible rashes. What I’ve been doing is wearing a one-piece (which should fit like a tank top attached to underpants), and then I bought a pair of shorts to wear on top. I have two: both black, but one hits mid-thigh and the other is knee-length. If you’re looking for something like that, check out any store that sells workout wear. You can’t wear cotton or linen into water (I mean, you could, but it would feel pretty gross), but any workout gear that’s a nylon/spandex or polyester/spandex blend is fine for swimming, even if it’s labeled for yoga. The yoga section might be a really good place for you to start, and would be a lot less expensive than buying a special modest swimsuit online. If you’d rather wear something more like a t-shirt on top, you could try a rash guard.

    14. Thlayli*

      If you are getting one for swimming rather than sunbathing, and you can afford to spend money on it, then I’d recommend going to an actual sports shop rather than just target or Walmart. Good swimsuits are expensive (budget at least $50 for a good one) but last really well and will support / streamline as appropriate. The shop assistants in a decent sports shop should be able to advise you on the type of suit for your body type (eg do you need boob support etc).

    15. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I have a one piece that has little pipes at the bottom like shorts (I’ll post a link in response to this), mostly because I find this more comfortable to wear. So you could also look into those, although they might show more skin than you are comfortable with. Because in the end, what matters most is that you feel comfortable in it.
      Most pools will indeed not allow any sort of street clothes. The only time I got to wear jeans in the pool was when I was in school and we learned rescue swimming (rescuing someone from drowning).

      2. the gold digger*

        I remember the jeans section in lifeguard training! We had to tie a knot in the ankles and turn the jeans into a flotation device.

        BTW – no cutoffs in pools because they don’t want the loose threads to clog the filters. (Saddest lifeguard duty was always checking the filters for and skimming out the dead baby animals in the pool every morning.)

    16. The Grammarian*

      You can actually order modest bathing suits from modest clothing websites intended for women from religious traditions that require modest clothing. I’ve definitely seen full-body suits on those sites that I would wear, as a non-modest-culture woman.

    17. LibbyG*

      Good ideas in this thread! I would add that swimsuit shopping usually kind of sucks. If you try a bunch of things on and haven’t found something that feels right, don’t worry that you’re doing something wrong. It just takes a while to find a style and design you like that let’s you focus on the fun and pleasures of the water.

    18. Raine*

      Highly recommend the swim leggings by Carve. I have a matching set of a long sleeved one piece and swim leggings that I like to wear for surfing because it gives me sun protection and keeps me a little warmer in cold water.

    19. Undine*

      I like tankinis and swim shorts. They are in two pieces, so easier to get in and out of, but cover everything a one-piece does, and a little more. For the upper part you can also get a rash guard, which is long-sleeved, but really a lot of clothes just get in the way in the water.

      You could try “modest swimwear” or “covered swimming costume”, but frankly, you are going to attract more attention if you are too covered up — you will be outside the norm.

    20. nonprofit director*

      Haven’t read all the replies yet, but if you want full coverage, go to the Sunprecautions website. The fabric is meant to protect your skin from the sun. Sleeves are long, legs are full-length. No skin shows except above the collar, as well as your hands and feet. The items are still tight-fitting, but definitely more modest.

  70. Family Travel Dread*

    Last day of my family vacation has been the worst one yet. Was just trying to go with the flow for this final day to not rock the boat but dear god I am miserable and I just want to be home and away from my family.

    1. Blue Eagle*

      So sorry that this vacation has been lousy. I haven’t been on vacation very often with my Mom but she is always very accommodating to let me do my own thing when it differs from what she wants to do. Sending you positive energy for the travel home.

  71. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1. We just celebrated 1 month of mawidge by me buying the hubs and myself word puzzles & samurai sudoku. Both of us need things to calm our mind/work on and puzzles are it.

    2. Aunt Flo. Ouch. Baked sweet potato chocolate ovaltine peanut butter pumpkin apple cinnamon bites. Also TG for midol…

    3. Since we both changed our last names after the wedding, I went through the court route. Avg time: 4 weeks processing. It’s been 4 weeks 1 day, and I wanna get the final order so I can switch everything then we can finally book honeymoon tix. (We can’t use our marriage license for the name change since it has our original/not new names).

    Siiigh. But keeping things in perspective. Found out a former high school friend broke off his engagement, transitioned genders, then researched, and is currently between genders. He’s been through a lot.

    How long does it take to get a name changed via court channels?

    2. periwinkle*

      My name change took about six weeks, including the time the announcement had to be printed in a “newspaper of record” (which the court took care of handling).

      Make a list of every agency, financial institution, and everything else that you’ll need to update after the legal bit is done. If they have your legal name, they need the new one! I had completely forgotten about my frequent flyer programs – yup, had to fax them the court order too.

      Speaking of which, pay for extra copies of the court order. You may need to mail a physical copy to some places.

      Wish I had changed my first name at the same time I got married and took my husband’s surname. Doing all that work twice was a pain…

    3. LilySparrow*

      It entirely depends on your local system. Mine was done as soon as I got the papers notarized and handed back in. They stamped them in front of me, ran my official copy, and I walked out with it.

      1. Red Reader*

        Same here, I stopped on my way back to work from the courthouse to start the name change with my bank.

    4. No Name Yet*

      Hm, 9 years ago it took my wife about 3 months and $600 to change her name through the courts. Hope it goes smoothly!

  72. Mental health resources*

    Anyone ever use remote/tele counseling/mental health services? The kind where you make an appt online and see someone via phone or video.

    In light of the past week, I’m helping put together a resource list to share. Google is slow and painful so would love any names (and if you had a good/bad experience that’s good info too- don’t want to include cr@ppy resources). Would also like to know if you paid cash or used insurance- it’s looking like some are part of a benefits package/insurance and some are cash only and ideally I’ll include that info too.

    LMK if this belongs on the work thread- it is personal and not work for me :-).

    1. Always Angry*

      I keep getting horribly angry and taking it out on my son, who’s only 7 and doesn’t deserve it.

      Going to a therapist soon, but what else can I do in the meantime?

      I suspect it’s because I have been socialised never to get angry and it’s all leaking out round the edges. I hate it.

      I feel like a shitty parent (…. because I’m being a shitty parent). FWIW I apologise and explain as best I can in age appropriate ways and tell him it’s not his fault…. but……

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Can you go for walks in calm times and take him with you? That excess energy has to get used up somehow. If you take regular walks maybe you can take the edge off enough?

        Is there someone you trust and he adores who he could spend time with periodically, so you get a mini-break from being His Everything?

      2. Kuododi*

        Do you have family or friends that you can call on to come in and give you a break? Look into seeing if he has a friend who you are comfortable letting him have spend the night get together to give y’all a respite. Talk to your faith community to see about support or.resources. Whatever you do, please don’t take your struggles out on your child. They have a unique ability to turn any event into “their fault.” Keep us posted on your progress. You are in my heart.

      3. Kj*

        Take breaks. Let your kid be on a tablet or other device to give yourself some time if you need to. Or make bedtime earlier so you can take a break. Do you have another adult who can watch the kid and give you some time to take care of you? Some parents also use meditation apps on their phone. You aren’t a bad parent. Parents NEED BREAKS sometimes. Make sure you take care of yourself.

      5. Always Angry*

        Thank you all. These comments help. And thank you so much for not shaming me. I know from experience how bad this is and it hurts to know I’m hurting my lovely child (emotionally not physically, but that’s not really any better, is it?).

        I promise I’ll let you know how I’m going on. If it gets better maybe I’ll even put it under my usual name :-/

      6. Yetanotherjennifer*

        It’s great that you recognize what’s happening and are taking steps to address it. I think the best thing you can do in the meantime is look at it as a teaching opportunity. Grown-ups have strong emotions too and sometimes struggle with managing them. You have a chance to demonstrate how it’s done. How trial and error and adjustment is part of the process. If you can catch yourself ahead of time, you can say that you’re feeling frustrated and need a break. Maybe there’s a character from a show or a book you can relate your feelings to. Saying it out loud is at least acknowledging the emotion and you’re less likely to lash out. I wonder if you son has any ideas for how you can manage your emotions. I’m sure his school is covering that on some level. And there are probably age-appropriate books. It might be an interesting and productive discussion. And can you do jumping jacks or run or something very physical for regular exercise as a stress release?

    2. Always Angry*

      Mental health resources – I’m so sorry I hijacked this! Please do repost next weekend :(

  73. Dating questions*

    Does anyone have any advice (or commiseration) about dating when you are overweight and not pretty or attractive in the conventional sense? I’m looking for a serious and long term relationship, not just a hook up (though I haven’t even been offered or able that find that). I haven’t had luck in bars, online dating, speed dating or hanging out in groups. I have had a few friends and family try to set me up on blind dates but it never leads to a second date. I have accepted that I will never be thin or good looking and that every feature of mine is the opposite of what’s pretty. I have a good life. I like my job. I live in a great building. I have good relationships with family and friends. I like to do fun things, travel, go to meet ups and hobby groups etc. The only thing I’m missing is someone to share it with. I’m the only adult in my family and the only person in my friend group who is not married. I know being single is better than being in a bad relationship but my family and friends all appear to be happy and are with great people. I feel like I am at a disadvantage because I’m not thin and pretty like all the other women on the market (I’m realistic and I know I’m not attractive. I like myself as a person but I’m not wrong about my looks. My own family and friends used to lie until I told them to cut it out). Sorry for writing and novel. I have never had luck with men and I do want to get married. Anyone else in my boat or have any advice on meeting people/dating when you are overweight and not good looking? Thank you.

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      What do you mean by “not good looking?” I’ve found one can be attractive at most weight points. I have alwyas been overweight and my facial features are meh, but I also like makeup, grooming etc, dressing nicely. Would you want to do those things?

      1. Dating questions*

        My apologies if my post sounded like I was implying overweight = ugly. That is not the case. I have seen attractive people at different weights, like you have. What I was trying to say is that I am not good looking AND I am overweight. I’m not overweight with pretty features. I’m not thin with ugly features. When I say I am not good looking I mean that every single feature or part of my body is the opposite of what is attractive. I don’t have one nice or good thing about my appearance. I know some will say “everyone is beautiful” but for me that isn’t the case. I groom appropriately, I shower, I wear clothes that fit and aren’t too small, but that doesn’t make any difference. Like I said, I am okay with not being pretty. No one outside of my family has ever called me pretty even once in my life. I told them to stop BSing and a few of them whom I am close to have admitted they were only trying to make me feel better. I am not upset at them for telling me that and I don’t think they did anything wrong. I appreciate that they are not lying to me. That’s what I was trying to say. I also apologize for giving the impression that I don’t groom or wear nice, well fitting clothing. That is also not the case. I just find the dating world to be so appearance focused and was looking for advice how I could get around that.

        1. Rainy*

          You don’t owe anyone “pretty”. You don’t owe anyone “thin”. Your value as a person has nothing to do with your appearance.

          Yes, the primary way that strangers looking to date strangers interact with each other is on a surface level, but that’s because if someone is a stranger, looks are all you have to go on. Dating isn’t always about appearances, and even when it is, people are into different things. But if you want to opt out of the whole appearance based thing, probably meeting more people and making more friends is the best way to make that happen, because then people will know you as a whole person.

        2. TL -*

          There’s conventionally attractive/media ideal (which is not some inborn universal standard, but heavily dependent on culture and what currently is in vogue) and then there’s what individual people find attractive. Plenty of people prefer heavy over not heavy or average weight over thin, or like large noses or care more about expression than about arrangement of features. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is cliched but it’s very, very true.

          Also…if I was talking to someone and I gave them a compliment and their attitude – or response – was that they were not attractive and I was lying, then I wouldn’t be very interested in pursuing anything with them. I only compliment when I mean it, and if I’m attracted to someone and they tell me my taste is bad, that’s a pretty big insult and I’m probably not going to want to hear more.

          1. Clever Name*

            This. There is SOMEONE out there who will find you attractive. The man I’ve had the most intense physical attraction to that I’ve ever felt is not the most objectively attractive man I’ve seen/met.

    2. Rainy*

      I’m neither thin nor conventionally attractive and I have historically done just fine.

      When I was dating the second time I mainly met people through online dating. It worked really well for me (though I met my fiancé as well as my late husband not on online dating–in fact, I don’t think there was much in the way of online dating when my late husband and I met!). Things I did: I was VERY selective about who I answered/went out with. I was unapologetic about who I am.

      All the other women on the market aren’t thin and/or pretty. And even if they were, you don’t have to be what everyone else is, just what you are. The biggest thing I think people who are having bad luck on the dating scene can do is this: BRANCH OUT. Do you have a type? Date outside it.

      And meet more people. Take up a new hobby or join a club.

    3. Kj*

      Thin does not equal pretty, although it does help. I’d focus on two things: finding a style that works for you and makes you look your best AND finding ways to show your personality sooner.

      As to the first- do you have clothes that really flatter you? Many larger women do great in 1950s-esqe dresses (Amazon sells some cute ones). They are unique looking and often make you look more attractive because you stand out. Have you ever consulted with a stylist or friend whose style you admire? They might have ideas for you. I have glasses, which are not widely considered attractive- but I have made an effort to get very stylish and unique glasses, so they are a feature, not a bug in my style.

      As to the second- what do you LOVE to do? How do you put that out there in a fun way? Can you propose dates that center around a hobby, that gives you a place to shine?

      Lastly, confidence is key. I got lucky- growing up, I was considered very unattractive. I was thin, but I had glasses and no interest in hair/makeup/clothes that would have put me in the attractive norm for my age. I didn’t start dating until I was in my 20s. I had moved by then and developed a sense of MY style and in my new city, geeky girls are not a dislike. In my original city, people were SHOCKED I could date with glasses and my terrible hair and not wearing make-up, BUT, I had plenty of offers of dates and ended up married. Again, I got lucky, although I think my developing my style helped a lot on my journey.

      1. Agent Veronica*

        Finding a style is key. I’m not thin and not conventionally attractive, and didn’t date much as a younger person. I’m not sure this had as much to do with my looks as with my lack of confidence and self-esteem—but for most of us, looks have an impact on those areas. But later, when I figured out what style of dressing/makeup/etc worked for me, I felt better about myself and my dating luck improved.

        A couple key principles:

        1) don’t chase a look you can’t attain. I had to learn that the clothes that looked awesome on thin women didn’t necessarily do that for me. I stopped even trying “figure flattery” or chasing that silhouette. Instead I began wearing bolder/exaggerated pieces (jewelry, jacket, an architecturally interesting top) atop a darker/simpler base. Doing this projects confidence and draws people to look at you differently. I *stopped trying to look thin.* IMO this is key.

        2) related to the above—don’t minimize your flaws; maximize your strengths. Even the most conventionally unattractive people generally have a couple of good features, and I’m betting you do too. If you’ve got good thick hair, touch it up with highlights and/or splurge on expert cutting and styling and/or just figure out how to rock it. Pretty hands? Lotion and manicures and maybe bracelets. Good coloring? Wear shades that show it off. Gorgeous eyes, but you wear glasses? Go bold on your frames! As others here have said, individual people are attracted to different things. Play up the good where you can. You’ll feel better about yourself too, looking for your strengths.

        Those are my main points of advice. If you get a look that is polished and confident, and that plays to your strengths, conventional beauty matters a lot less. I’m not saying it necessarily fixed everything—but it will help, and feel good to boot.

    4. Dan*

      The best advice I can give you is to be super comfortable with who you are and own it. For guys, the corollary is someone with no job who lives in their parents’ basement and plays video games all day. Yeah, there are some people who just don’t do well on the conventional dating market.

      Straight talk? I had an acquaitenance who I knew IRL and “ran in to” on the OLD scene. Her profile read, “I’m really cute, but for some reason have trouble meeting people.” The thing is, she had a very real facial disfigurement (I don’t know if it’s from an accident or birth defect, but it’s real) that put her into the “not conventionally attractive” category. I don’t know how you overcome that.

    5. WS*

      Are the hobbies you do ones with a good number of men involved? I know what you mean about dating being about first impressions, but if you’re meeting the same people regularly, first impressions are vastly less important.

    6. matcha123*

      You can feel free to ignore my comment, I am not overweight and my features are average. However, as a minority with brown skin living in a country that loves light skin, I have had a pretty terrible time dating. I know that my chances of finding a good partner here are slim to nil. You may feel the same yourself. Especially if the men you meet are dtf, but don’t really want to date you (as has been my experience).
      It will take time, that’s all I can say. I have been looking myself. People can sniff out desperation and they avoid it, practice being confident with yourself or just not caring too much about the outcome.
      Wear clothing that brings out your best features. Cut your hair in a style that also matches your face. Cultivate your hobbies. Good luck.

  74. Nervous Accountant*

    Debating whether to post this or not bc well.. 4 hours of running errands w my mom and I’m losing my mind. I snap and I yell and I always feel awful for getting upset even when (I feel) it’s justified. Yet I just think “dad would be so disappointed I’m not treating her well.”

    I don’t talk to my friends about anything and definitely not family. There’s maybe 2-3 ppl I confide in about what I’m going through.

    Im so frustrated I may just go in to work on Sunday. Last weekend I did what I call #depressedshoppingbinge.

    My weight hasn’t changed at all though my blood glucose is still good. Fell off the “diet wagon” despite the new medicine…it was making me nauseous and drop any appetite so I actually enjoyed not having to eat. I’m no longer nauseous so now I have to be SUPER careful. my leg/foot pain got worse. I went to a new podiatrist. He started me on physical therapy right then and there and every week for a few months; it’s not far from office and they have 8 am hours so it’s super convenient.

    And no I’m not having a mental breakdown. I googled the symptoms and not having any of those feelings.

    1. TheLiz*

      “Sometimes depression is a sane response to an insane world”. Sounds as though you’re having a terrible time of it, and are taking decent care of yourself despite all that. Well done!!

      I have a close friend who went through something pretty similar with his mum. They’d never got along well, but he promised his dad he’d take care of her and even when she had paranoid dementia and was being awful to everyone, he did. Doing this at all makes you a good person! You are treating her well by taking care of her, and if that means sometimes you snap then sometimes you snap. You’ve got to protect yourself as much as you can, and sometimes that means venting frustration or going in to w!rk on a Sunday to get away from things. I really hope things get better for you soon.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Things were good for a few weeks. But it’s started back up again.

        Idk how it was w/ my dad but she always forgets to put on a seatbelt in the car. every single time. I’m gentle the first 4 times but by #5-6, I scream. She says why can’t you say it gently and says all sorts of stuff about how I’m angry and unpleasant to be around etc.

        The worst is that everything Im doing for my health is wrong. I honestly don’t know what she wants me to do.

        The new foot Dr I saw recommended taping my feet every day, the compression will help with the swelling. It has actually. My mom insists I wear circulation stockings….which I’m open to but I didn’t want to do it today. She took it as a personal attack b/c I didn’t and we argued about how dumb my Dr is.

        *meme gif of guy blinking his eyes*

        She’s *always* been against me taking insulin b/c it makes me fat/gain weight. We fought about this about a month ago. My husband set her straight, and emphasized that I NEED THIS TO LIVE. That quieted her up for a while, but it’s started back up again. I keep quiet and dont’ say anything… in one ear out the other..she started again today. “You’re not losing weight so stop that new medicine.” When I called her out on it, she insists she never said that and lots of awful things.

        I hope this is enough material for that reddit thread/sarcasm… lol

        1. tangerineRose*

          I’m sorry. Your mother sounds awful. Running errands with her for 4 hours sounds horrible. If you have to run errands with her, is there some way you could maybe drop her off to run some errands and then run some errands by yourself? Or buy things from different parts of the store?

          When she says you should do something that you aren’t going to do, can you tell her “I’ll think about it” and leave it? (I mean, she’s saying some obnoxious things, of course you’re going to think about it; you’re just not going to do what she suggests.)

        2. LCL*

          From this point on, stop telling her any of your medical data. You are doing really good to date dealing with a very difficult person. Stop giving her ammunition to hurt you with. Why does she even have to know you are taking insulin, or anything else related to your health?

          You mention below that you have a brother. Does he live in the house with you all? It may be time to tell him he needs to do more with mom.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        I thought I posted a response but I guess it just disappeared.

        Idk how good I am at taking care of her. I’m at work during the week, Im out of the home from 7AM-9-10 PM. She’ll call me once a day for something or other.

        Now that I think about it, I hate the idea of going to work for 6 days a week right now (non-tax season).

        I am really really really trying to be kind and patient w her but sometimes it is so hard. I yell b/c she never.puts.on.her.seatbelt. I have to remind her 7-8 times to do it. The first few times I’m calm.The last few times, not so much so. So it’s super discouraging that when the 8th time I scream at her to put on her seatbelt she just starts about how unpleasant I am and how lucky I am my husband puts up with me (THANKS!)

        The most frustrating thing right now is that I’ve ruined myself and whatever my dr tells me to do is wrong, Doctors are stupid and why didn’t I ever listen to her or my dad about health (3 year old me didn’t overfeed myself in to being so fat that I got T2 at 11).

        I told her about the new foot Dr I’m seeing and instead of being happy that I’m doing something she’s….idk…weird. Moaning about how bad my feet and legs are etc

        Worst is … she has ALWAYS been against my using insulin b/c it makes me fat. That’s her only reason, seriously. We got in to an awful fight a month ago and my husband set her straight that I NEED INSULIN TO LIVE. I feel like no thoughts stay in her head b/c she starts again a few weeks later.

        Trust me, when she says these unreasonable things I tune them out. Today was the 3rd/4th time this week she mentioned I need to quit taking my injections b/c I’m still fat. So now if I say something, it’s how unpleasant and awful I am and how much I dislike her etc.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Nervous Accountant, forgive me if you’ve said this before, but does your mother live with you, and if so, who moved in with whom?

          Would you say your mother has been harder on you since your father’s death, or has she always been this way, with your dad cushioning you from the impact?

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            We live together– it’s a family home. I’d say she’s always been like this.

            1. Thursday Next*

              So it’s a truly established multi-generational home. That makes things harder, but the fact that your mom has always been like this could make some things easier, in that it’s not a response to your father’s passing. You can deal with her criticism in the way most helpful to you without the guilt you might experience if your mother’s behavior were a grief response.

              I wish I had more helpful advice for you. Distance is the most useful tool for coping with difficult mothers, but that’s something you don’t have right now.

        2. Yetanotherjennifer*

          Could you mentally re-frame your role to that of just a caretaker? If you were to hire someone to do this job, even if they were live-in help, they would have a boundary between their life and her. She wouldn’t know they were taking insulin. They wouldn’t have to answer personal questions or argue about their life choices. It’s hard to have to do that with your own mother, and you’ll definitely have a contentious adjustment period, but I think it would make things easier on you. Be a grey rock. Only share little things that don’t matter. Like you saw a rare bird the other day or that you’re going to weed the garden tomorrow.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think your mom might be too much for any reasonable person. I don’t think it’s just you.
      I know you said you were going to do this but is it worth laying in a hospital bed with stomach ulcers, heart issues or whatever?
      Comparing yourself to your dad is like going apples to oranges. She’s your parent not your spouse. She is older than you. She is the same gender as you and with some people that matters way to much, they feel they can push people around who are the same gender. In short, you are Not Dad and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect you to be able to care for her the way he did.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        “I know you said you were going to do this ”

        I’m sorry I am not sure about this

        and yes the gender thing comes in to play. I’ve had to ask my husband or brother to step in in the past to explain things to her and she *seemed* to have gotten them. Thankfully my husband getswhy I’m frustrated but I don’t think my brother will so I haven’t told him anything.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Was she as just plain rude and mean to your dad as she is to you? Because the things she’s saying to you are just so mean! Besides, even if your dad dealt with the same things, that doesn’t mean you have to. You need to take decent care of yourself, and living with her just sounds terrible.

        Is this the kind of house where she has her own living room, kitchen, etc. so you can avoid each other some? If not, can you turn your bedroom into more of a sanctuary so you can get away?

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          I think so, she was just as sharp with him. But my dad was also really calm, cool, really chilled out.. really relaxed, gregarious and talkative. While I look like him, unfortunately I didn’t inherit his personality.

          I have my own room upstairs so I can get away for a bit. But I sleep downstairs in the spare room…that I actually don’t mind. I come home at 830 from work on a regular day. Some days, I’ll just stay at a cafe orsomething fro about an hour before making my way home. I ‘m in bed by 10 and leave at 6 the next day so there’s not a lot of time during the week.

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      I really wasn’t planning on posting this kind of stuff this week after finding out about that website; I don’t talk to my friends about this, my mother doesn’t understand. My husband is a great sounding board but I can’t cosntantly vent to him. I wish I could exercise, boxing, lift weights, run etc but I feel SOO physically limited as to what I can do right now.

    4. Rebecca*

      I hear you. My Dad passed away in April 2017, I’m an only child, and my mother is difficult. I never really had to deal with her one on one before, and she’s exhausting. Untreated anxiety, she’s judgmental, and just plain weird about stuff. I have often said I wish I could hire someone to deal with her on my behalf. I promised my Dad I’d take care of her, but shit, this is awful. And I do feel guilty about it :(

      I don’t have any real advice, but I want you to know you’re not the only one.

    5. TL -*

      For the seatbelt thing, just refuse to drive anywhere until she has her seatbelt on – very calmly say, “Mom, seat belt.” and then wait until she has it on before you put the car in gear (or turn it on, depending.)

      Incorporate into your routine so it’s just want you do when you get into the car with Mom and not something that you count the number of times on. She’s probably doing it because it annoys you or she’s hoping you’ll eventually stop fighting her on it and let her not wear one. So don’t fight, but if you’re driving, you have the power.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I can do that. I guess where I’m going wrong is that I don’t see her put it on. The first few times I’m calm but after a lot of times, I’ll begin driving and the light indicating that a seatbelt isn’t on. So I freak out and scream at her to put it on.

        1. Kuododi*

          If the light comes on….then quietly find a safe place to pull over and park the car. Explain to her the car isn’t going any further until she is wearing her seat belt. DH and I would have to do that regularly with his mother, and I still have to do that with my mother who has dementia. If she argues back, don’t engage on any level. If you do, it just feeds the beast and absolutely nothing positive takes place. Just calmly and firmly explain, the car doesn’t move until seatbelt are fastened and stay on.

    6. Belle di Vedremo*

      You know, you can’t live your life for her, or live her life for her. Sounds like in many ways, that’s what she wants.

      Treating her well doesn’t mean giving her her way, any more than it does with small children. It’s also hard to change existing family patterns. And stress exacerbates a lot of physical issues. Might you look for a family therapist that you and your husband could consult for a bit? Someone with experience in coming up with strategies and practices could be helpful in coming up with a sustainable plan. Meantime, can you come up with some ways to have time to yourself without having to go to work to get it?

      What you’re doing is really, really difficult. Give yourself credit for it. We’re on Team You.

  75. Foreign Octopus*

    SPOILER ALERT FOR THE WALKING DEAD!!!

    So with the news that both Andrew Lincoln and Lauren Cohen will be leaving the cast in the next season, I’ve been thinking about the show a bit more than normal. I used to really, really love the show. I’d watch it religiously and then, around season five, I just sort of stopped. I feel like it was going nowhere fast and then with the bad decisions that the show runner was making (cough*Chandler Riggs*cough), I started to feel like they were playing for the ratings and the shock factor and not for the story. I imagine that they’re kicking themselves for killing off Carl now that Andrew Lincoln is leaving, which gives me a bit of consolation.

    I just hate the fact that really good TV shows can be dragged down when the networks start milking them for all they’re worth. I prefer shows that are self-contained, a maximum of seven seasons; I think that if you can’t tell a story in seven seasons then you’ve got no business going into production (although I will admit there are some exceptions to this). Then there are the spin-offs, prequels, and everything in between – yes, I’m looking at you Star Wars.

    I want original content. I don’t want a spin-off, or a prequel, or a whatever.

    I was so relieved when the Duffer brothers said that Stranger Things was only going to have four seasons because I know that there’s a better chance of keeping the quality there.

    I guess I’m just feeling a little fatigued by the same-same content that’s out there; I feel that TV shows and book series are similar to going to war – an exit plan is always required.

    Sorry for the weird rant.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’m not even sure how I feel about TWD anymore. I have 12 episodes on my DVR that I haven’t watched yet and I can’t seem to get myself to sit down and watch. I’m growing tired of the “wars” they’re always having. I guess that’s what keeps the story going, though. I just wish that things would start looking up and they would truly start to rebuild society. But I know they’re following the comic books (which I haven’t read). I knew about Carl, although I haven’t seen the episode yet. Trying to decide if I should watch, or just delete the episodes and forget about it.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Not into Walking Dead at all but I just want to say I 100% support the idea that every series should have an exit strategy. Nothing can continue being good indefinitely, and it’s so much better to move toward a planned, coherent ending than just trail away into something that leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

    3. alex b*

      (I appreciate the rant; nobody I know still watches TWD anymore)

      I don’t understand what’s happening with the main actors leaving. Unlike Morgan, whose exit makes sense based on his character history, Rick and Maggie exiting isn’t going to make sense unless they die, right? So are both dying?

      I don’t know why I continue to watch this show; it’s been bad for 2 seasons now. I keep hoping it’s salvageable but who knows. They need to fire the current writers who create repetitive, awful monologues and think dumb time-jumps are great, as well as the current cinematographers who won’t stop with the awful close-ups on eyes/faces. And they need to find again people who can write compelling narratives about the interesting world and characters created in the early seasons. And they need to cut down on too many filler characters/story lines. So, yikes, maybe it’s not salvageable…

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m so happy it’s not just me falling off the TWD bandwagon. I thought I was the odd one out, since the people I know who’ve always watch, still watch it. But it’s just dragging big time for me. I want the wars to be over and for them to start rebuilding, somehow, in a meaningful, lasting way. So frustrating.

    4. Cruciatus*

      While TWD has gone down in quality/interest Fear the Walking Dead has really upped its game! It used to be totally reversed for me but at some point in the last season the two have switched their quality levels. I’ve even seen articles about it that agree with me that FtWD is the one to watch now. I actually only started watching FtWD because it was part of TWD family and I wanted to “keep up”, but now I really look more forward to that than TWD.

      I don’t read the comics (sorry, graphic novels?) but I knew the Negan thing was going to be a problem (for me) and it was. And I really like that actor too. When he kept popping back up season after season (or every half season–I have no idea what season we’re actually on anymore) I was like “God, I wish we were back at the farm or the sanctuary or something else.” I would absolutely be OK if they decided to end the show (though I don’t hate it–but I don’t get to it as quickly as I once did).

  76. Serious Pillowfight*

    I asked my husband to take me on a date.

    We’ve been married almost three years. It’s a good one, for the most part. No kids–neither of us really wants them and I’ve told him straight out I don’t think he or our marriage could handle a baby. I’ve seen too many of my close friends have kids and then get divorced and I can’t help but think the stress from the kid is what breaks them.

    We’ve tried sponsoring cadets from the military academy nearby, but they’re teenagers and caught up in school and their fellow military friends–we only hear from them every few months if they need something. It’s not what I thought it would be. Maybe we’ll get an exchange student.

    So no kids. But, it means our lives are pretty quiet. We work, come home, eat dinner together, then I read or surf the internet and he retreats to his man cave to play video games or watch hockey. He has no ideas or motivation to do anything like go out. “I’m not an idea guy,” he has said. He will gladly go along with me if I think of something to do, but doesn’t suggest anything on his own.

    I wonder if it’s…cruel?…of me to ask him to take me on a date. Should I offer suggestions and have him pick one? Am I subconsciously testing him to see if he comes through? My birthday is on Wednesday and I’m actually worried he won’t even get me a card.

    1. Bookwyrm*

      How many cadets have you had? My parents sponsored many over the years and about a third of them were the kind who only came over once a month. The others were over most weekends. Might also depend on the setup of your house; we adopted a lot of cadets from other families because my parents had a house big enough to hold a bunch of cadets, plus a pool. So it became a hangout spot for the cadets we actually sponsored and their friends who ditched their assigned families to hang at our house.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        We have four and none of them are the kind that come over once a month!!

        This is our second year doing it. In 2016, we were assigned a girl and she was pretty good about contacting us and responding to invites during her freshman year. She even spent her spring break with us. Then as time went on and she made friends at school, we stopped hearing from her. Later in 2016 we were assigned a boy who was a sophomore but decided he wanted a sponsor family. We took him out to dinner once and he came over for dinner once. Other than that, we only heard from him when he needed a ride to or from the airport. Now we don’t hear from him at all.

        Last year we were assigned two more boys who had just started. One came over a couple times and the other did as well, and even spent the night once. Those two helped us move to a place a few minutes away in January. Since then, nothing. Very strange. I actually asked the program director if it was normal, thinking maybe I needed to adjust my expectations. There’s nothing about us or our home that I would think would deter them.

        I was picturing teens and their friends coming over once or twice a month all year long to have dinner and relax and watch movies or whatever. I’ve been rather disappointed.

        1. Ron McDon*

          I have teenage children, and tbh the last thing most teenagers want to do is have dinner and hang out with adults.

          I think perhaps your expectations are a little unreasonable; most teenagers want to hang out/watch movies with their friends, and only get in contact with their parents/mentors when they want something – it’s the nature of teenagers to be a bit self-centred. (With the caveat of course that not all teenagers are like that, and there are those out there who would love more mentoring support; you just haven’t been assigned them thus far).

          If I suggest dinner and a movie to my kids, 8 out of 10 times they respond like I’ve suggested a tooth extraction – the other two times their friends aren’t around so they’re happy to tolerate me … par for the course with teens!

          1. Serious Pillowfight*

            That’s what I figured. I’ve been hesitant to invite them over because I don’t want them to feel obligated. So I’ve been hanging back with the idea to let them take the lead. So far it’s been crickets!

    2. BRR*

      It’s not cruel. My husband isn’t an idea guy either. It’s been proven in our marriage that I’m the planner so Sometimes I just say that I need a break from planning. He’s gotten better over time. The other rule we have is if you’re going to shoot down options then you need to be prepared to have your own.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, re: “cruel” — you know how they say that relationships take work? This is the kind of thing that they are talking about! Sometimes you have to go a little bit out of your comfort zone to do something that will make your partner happy.

        Plus, there is research showing that trying new things together is a great way to bond. It can be interesting AND it’s critical relationship maintenance.

        But, setting new dynamics in a relationship can be scary–though it doesn’t have to be! Serious Pillowfight, I hope you can have a chat in a collaborative spirit with your spouse about what you want your lives and marriage to be like, that you would like to do more things together (and possibly, by yourself–why not try some new hobbies).

        The “cruel” makes me wonder if maybe you have a sense that your spouse won’t respond well to this request…. so that’s why I offered “collaborative” above–this doesn’t have to look like a demand on him but as a project to bit-biy-bit change your relationship for the better, together.

        Good luck! I’m enjoying reading the rest of this thread, too. Great ideas.

    3. PersistentCat*

      Honestly, there’s a website somewhere (can’t remember), that had an absolute trove of date-ideas. I had my husband print the list of ideas (something like 200+) on to letter-size paper, and cut them in to equal-sized scraps of paper. As a team, we evaluated (together) each idea by price (using $ for low-cost, $$$ for expensive but affordable splurge, omg ridiculous were thrown out) while throwing away all ideas we mutually didn’t care for or if one of us hated the idea. Then they were placed into one of two (labeled) tupperwares for each price point: week-night appropriate or weekend required. So there are 6 total, and he’s responsible for pulling out an idea and executing it at least once a month. I do the same at the same frequency; having them sorted by price and time required really helps us as well.
      My two cents on this common dilemma!

    4. Kj*

      If you want a relationship with kid and are interested in doing a little work, have you thought about being a respite foster home? You aren’t a foster parent for more than a weekend or two a month if you want and you are kind of the kid’s vacation spot. Not going to lie and say foster kids are easy, but many just need a place to go in the short term. It is pretty easy to do and the need is really there. No guilt if it is too much, but many people don’t know you can do it.

          1. Red Reader*

            In my area there’s a program to match college grad adults up with high school freshmen who would be the first in their family to graduate college if they got there, with the goal of helping them get there. My mentee washed out of the program for a variety of reasons (and didn’t seem to care about it anyway), so I’m currently on hiatus, but I’ll be hopping back in for the next rising freshman class. Very rewarding, when it goes well.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      Pretty sure this would be my life if we didn’t have kids. (Kids are a huge stressor, definitely.) I don’t think it’s cruel to put the burden of entertainment on him once in a while, but think about what he was like when you were dating. Did he come up with ideas or was he similarly just happy to follow your lead?

      Also, did he seem okay with you asking him to plan a date or was he non-committal? Almost every guy I ever dated, including my husband, would waffle about planning a date once we were in a relationship and then just at the last minute go with dinner (almost always at a restaurant we’d already been to multiple times) and maybe a movie. I don’t think I ever had an exciting date that was 100% planned by him after requested by me. If you will honestly be okay with this level of date planning activities, I think it’ll be fine. If you’re looking for something more interesting, float some activities that interest you.

      And personally, I would drop some serious hints about Wednesday, or just state that you’d like to do something special for your birthday. Sometimes you just have to tell someone if it’s important to you because they might not get it otherwise. Birthdays can be *fraught*. They don’t have to be, but oh man, they can be.

    6. Dan*

      So… there was a post up thread from someone who was observing that some relatives were raising their kids with stereotypical gender norms and the poster took issue with that.

      TBH, I live by myself. I do what I want. I don’t expect people to do things for me. If I want to do something, I do it. IMHO, if you want to do something with your husband, plan something and tell/ask him to do it with you.

      On the b-day thing? I’m of the opinion that b-days are for kids. I can certainly be in the “wrong” about that, but it comes down to people should marry someone compatible with thier beliefs. I just hate hate hate being expected to make a big deal about a grown adult’s birthday.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        I don’t want a cake or a party or anything like that. I just don’t want…nothing.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Different people want different things for their birthday. Your husband might be the kind of person who needs to be told very clearly what you want or given options he can choose from. If he knows about what you want him to do, and he does it, after a while you probably won’t have to ask him.

    7. Jacquelyn*

      It is important for me to do something to mark my birthday (it can be as simple as opening a bottle of champagne and just chilling out on the couch together), but I do want that moment to be there. My husband could care less about his birthday and celebrating birthdays does not come naturally to him.

      So every year, about a month before my birthday I remind him that I enjoy celebrating my birthday and want him to do something. I even give him a few ideas. It has worked really well!

  77. Anonny*

    When the subject of your tears, the one who made you cry, is just a thin wall away, you smother your face in your pillow and hope they think the hacking cough is just from allergies.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      And you could think about if it might be time to move away from this person.

      1. Anonny*

        No, I promise, nothing like that. No harm or abuse, physical or mental, is on my doorstep. Just very angry and hurt by a family member who is right down the hall from me and would come to check on me if I cried too loudly when all I want to do is not see them at the moment.

        Sorry, did not mean to imply that I was in danger.

        2. Thursday Next*

          I’m glad you’re not in danger. I misread the situation as a (non-violent) quarrel with a partner, and was alarmed when I realized how off-base this could have been.

          Is this family member someone you can have some distance from, emotional and/or physical?

          1. Anonny*

            Again, sorry to alarm anyone.

            Yes, I can get some distance from them tomorrow, just can’t do it evening at this moment. Hence the crying into a pillow before to help me get thought the night.

            2. Reba*

              No need to apologize, Anonny! People here just want to check.

              Really hoping that things look better today.

  78. PersistentCat*

    This is not a work discussion, but a life discussion: does anyone have any advice for conquering delayed sleep phase syndrome or just severe night owl-ness? I either sleep too long (10+ hours) or go to bed at 2, getting up either way at 8-10 am. I’d like to wake up at 5 & go to bed around 9 for my own benefit. No current health insurance, so I can’t work with a sleep specialist on this. Thanks!

    1. BRR*

      I’m a terrible sleeper and recently have been trying medication for falling asleep and having my echo play thunderstorm sounds. It’s been helping as I try to not take melatonin as often.

      1. PersistentCat*

        That’s a great idea (calming nature music); I wonder if that’d help me with ignoring random noises as well as like, be soothing on it’s own? Worth trying! Thanks :)

    2. Nacho*

      I had the same problem, and what I ended up doing is finding a job that let me work a late shift. Now wake up 9-10:00ish, get to work at 2:00. and go to sleep around 1:00ish. No tips for living a 9-5:00 life other than drinking lots of coffee.

      1. PersistentCat*

        I don’t know many jobs in my field that are that level of flexible, especially since I made the decision to move out of manufacturing. My mom may have been right, and I should have gone to study something in demand for swing shifts/graveyards at hospitals…

    3. Stephanie*

      Hmm, when I was a morning person working swing shift, I had similar problems. For me, I had to be really strict about the bed time (and not have it deviate more than 30 minutes). I kept my phone away from the bed and limited computer time. Basically, it boiled down to good sleep hygiene. You can try melatonin—it gives me kind of weird, intense dreams, but I know some who swear by it.

    4. Thursday Next*

      I love to stay up late, because everyone else is asleep and my chores are done and it’s quiet. Hence, I struggle with sleep in what sounds like a similar way.

      My reading on sleep hygiene/doctors’ advice has been consistent on a couple of points: a consistent wake up time is essential, and a soothing pre-bedtime routine (no screens!) is recommended. I’ve been incorporating a sleep meditation (from an app) into my routine. It could be worth a try.

      1. PersistentCat*

        Thanks. Thursday Next! I’ve got some sites bookmarked on sleep hygiene as well, but it always seems to be in the simple-but-hard-to-implement way. Like, a consistent wake time seems easy, but when sleep inertia is so strong it feels like you woke up in syrup, it’s very hard. I’ll keep trying, though! Maybe the problem is the inconsistent bed-time, and so meditation would be of great benefit? It’s kinda fun to be your own science experiment!

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I used to be more delayed (always preferred the same schedule as you) but have gradually shifted more towards asleep by 10:30, awake at 7:30 schedule. Here are the best tips I know of (National Sleep Foundation has 12 tips on their site):

      Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. That’s the top recommendation of sleep scientist Matt Walker (in his book on Why We Sleep, which I just read). While you’re adjusting your schedule, do it by increments. Shift your bedtime earlier by, say, 10 min every 3-4 days, but keep it consistent. You’re treating it like jet lag, in a way, like you’re getting used to a new time zone.

      Get bright light exposure early in the day and especially in mid-afternoon. Also, no caffeine after noon and no alcohol in the evening – both act differently on your system but disrupt falling and staying asleep.

      Keep the overnight temp in your house around 65-68 deg F. Keep lights lowered in the evening throughout your house and especially in your bedroom. Try to avoid using any screens within 2 hours of bedtime – the blue light from TVs, phones, tablets, and monitors causes your natural melatonin release to be delayed by hours, so late night exposure to blue light is like having caffeine at night. If you really need to, at least change the screen settings to reduce the blue light and dim the overall brightness. Reading a book before you sleep is okay, but ideally you want as little light as possible in the hour or so before bed while you’re shifting your schedule. The best advice is not to do anything in your bed but sleep.

      The jury is out on supplemental melatonin – it doesn’t appear to work better than placebo objectively, but if it makes you feel like you sleep better, it’s not particularly harmful. It’s just not FDA regulated, so any one dose or brand could have widely variable amounts of melatonin. Prescription sleeping pills are essentially toxic (the research is pretty shocking re: the long term effects of even occasional use), but I haven’t seen anything on OTC sleeping aids that use the drowsiness inducing ingredients in allergy meds.

      Good luck! I fought delayed sleep phase for a very long time, it’s hard but it can be done.

    6. Dan*

      I gotta be honest… are you overweight and/or do you snore? If you’re 2/2, my money is on sleep apnea, which means the proper treatment is the almighty CPAP machine. To be really honest, you sound like me.

      BTW, you can be not overweight and still have sleep apnea. I’m afraid that there is no self diagnosing/treatment on this one.

    7. Melody Pond*

      You sound like me! My delayed sleep phase disorder has given me much trouble throughout my life. These things helped me, even though they were a huge pain at first (some others have already mentioned some of these):

      – Always stay OUT of bed, unless you’re actively trying to fall asleep. Don’t do anything “in bed” other than sleeping (or maybe sex). Don’t lay awake in bed talking to a partner for more than a few minutes, don’t read in bed, and definitely don’t do anything in bed that involves a display screen.
      – Wake up and get up at the same time every day, no matter what
      – Immediately spend the first 15 minutes after waking up, with a “bright light” pointing at the side of your face, maybe while reading the news or something on a computer (I’ll link the one I have below)
      – About 2 hours before the time you want to go to bed in the evenings, dim the lights in whatever room(s) you’re in, to the lowest possible comfortable light, and ideally it should be very indirect, soft/ambient, and very warm in color. Soft warm yellow Christmas tree type lights are great for this – string them up across one or more walls. .
      – From 2 hours pre-bedtime to 1 hour pre-bedtime: if you’re going to use any screens, only expose yourself to screens with something like f.lux on them, where they can turn very warm/orange, and turn the brightness down to the lowest possible level.
      – From 1 hour pre-bedtime: put all screens away! This is important, especially in the beginning of establishing your sleep routine. NO screens! Listen to podcasts or music on something that doesn’t have a light-up display (like an iPod shuffle), read actual books (or e-books on something with ZERO light-up features).
      – Maybe 30 minutes before bed, if you can, do a bunch of stretching and slow, deep breathing
      – Once you go to bed, if you can’t fall asleep within 25 minutes, get back up, sit with the dimmest possible warm lighting, read something not too stimulating.

      It’s a pain in the ass to be that rigid and to have such restrictive routines – but it works. When I do all of this consistently, I usually am nodding off 30 minutes or more, before I had actually planned to go to bed.

    8. Amaryllis*

      I struggle with this as well. I get up at 5:00 AM for work every day, and it’s always a struggle. I know that the conventional wisdom is to go to sleep and get up at the same time every day, but really? Get up at 5:00 AM on a Saturday? My social life revolves around our group’s love of music, and I’d be asleep on the couch before the bands even start on Saturday nights. What good is a healthy sleeping schedule if it means I never see any of my friends?

  79. Shrunken Hippo*

    I’m taking forever to read a book not because it’s bad but because it is the last in a series. Does anyone else do this, or am I just a weird person?

    2. KatieKate*

      I do that with TV! There are a few shows where I’ve never watched the last episode because it stressed me out too much

      1. LadyKelvin*

        Oh me too. I’m too afraid of the finality so I don’t ever finish the show. I’ve still not seen the last season of Downton Abbey…

    3. Kate Daniels*

      Oh man, I have so many unfinished series where I’ve read all of the books except for the last one because I don’t want to accept that it’s truly over… or be disappointed by the ending (see: every single dystopian YA series ever). I also have the habit of always leaving one book by any of my favorite authors unread until they publish another one because I don’t want to run out and I like to save them as rewards for times when I really, really need the escape.

    5. Rainy*

      I do this. I’ve also not read Pratchett’s last Discworld yet because then it will be real. I’ve been in denial for three years.

    6. Lcsa99*

      I don’t think I am physically capable of that. What I would do, especially if it was an author I loved, I would just devour that book and start the series over again.

      I’d love to know what series it is.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      I still haven’t read Terry Pratchett’s last book – I just can’t bring myself to finish his works.

    8. Matilda the Hun*

      I was at the BN release party for the 7th Harry Potter book, and I couldn’t bring myself to read it until last summer- I know exactly what you mean :)

  80. fposte*

    Triple Crown winner! Astonishing race that made one of the hardest tasks in sports look easy.

    1. fposte*

      Okay, the joy that is just beaming from the jockey is a delight to see. That is a happy, happy man.

      1. DietCokeHead*

        That was an exciting race! I also was very impressed that Gronkowski made up so much ground to finish second. But I was glad that Justify won.

    2. Windchime*

      I have to say that I totally forgot to watch the race in real time, but I watched it last night and my first thought was that Justify reminds me a lot of Secretariat. The way he came out of the gate and just basically loped along with that calm, long stride…it gives me chills.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Saw the race in real time, and totally agree—what a run, what a horse! The way he moved, the expression in his body language and ears was completely, “Don’t stress, humans. I got this!” Beautiful.

  81. DanaScully*

    Tidy people! Do you have any tips or tricks? I’m trying my best to put things back in their places when I’m done using them, but I find that if I slack for a day, I’m back to a very messy square one. We live in a tiny place so even a few things left out can make it look so messy.

    I find mess and dirt have a negative impact on my mental health, and I’m definitely most comfortable in a tidy and clean nest. Also any tips for training a messy OH without feeling like a constant nag would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Aphrodite*

      I am not naturally inclined to organization but have become so through a lot of practice. The thing I have found that works best for trying to overcome a tendency to leave things out is this: Don’t put it down, put it away. I force myself, even after a couple of years, to say this out loud constantly, especially when I come home from work. I take my shoes off at the door because my home has a no-shoes-indoors policy so I immediately pick them up and put them in my closet even if I know I am wearing them again tomorrow. Regardless of how many grocery bags I have everything gets put away immediately. The same with my Filofax, keys and sunglasses. If I use a scissors I walk back to the drawer and put it away. I simply, with rare exceptions that make me mad, force myself to do it. And I already know the benefits; I never have to be annoyed by searching for something because it is (almost) always in its place.

      1. Red Reader*

        Corollary: taking care of something now is almost always less annoying than having to take care of it later, and “I’ll take care of it later” often makes more work.

        Example: My housemate had tinned ravioli for dinner the other night. She was “feeling lazy,” so she didn’t rinse out the bowl afterward, even though it would have taken like ten seconds. So instead she got to spend three minutes the next day scraping dried tomato sauce out of it so it could go in the dishwasher with any hope of getting clean. (There’s also a side helping here of “maybe someone else will do it for me” implication, which is jerky if you live with other people, but I digress.)

    2. Kate Daniels*

      I live in a small studio apartment, and I do a “sweep” of everything twice a day—once after I finish getting ready for work but before I leave and then again in the evening right before bed. Some of my rules are that there cannot be any dirty dishes in the sink, bed must be made, and no dirty clothes outside of the laundry basket in the closet. I hate having things on counters and tables, so I clear those as well. My mental health and the state of my surroundings are also closely linked; I feel incredibly unsettled if there are things left out and not put away.

      I think the key is also to just not have much stuff. I’ve moved frequently in the past couple of years, so that has really helped me cut down on how much stuff I have, but I know I can do a better job of cutting down on more things, so that’s my plan for this summer!

    3. Temperance*

      I’m not a naturally neat or tidy person, but I have to say that what worked best for *me* is a huge declutter. Having less stuff makes it so easy to be neat. It’s kind of amazing, actually. We recently purged old clothes and things, and got rid of like 20 bags of stuff (between donations and destroyed clothes/trash), and it’s so easy to keep it neat now.

    4. Ron McDon*

      If your OH is not a tidy person by nature, or has not expressed they really want to change their messy ways, I wouldn’t try ‘training’ them. I’ve been married 20 years, and have realised that trying to change my husband’s behaviour leads to frustration for me and annoyance for him!

      Also agree with what Aphrodite says about putting things away immediately, and perhaps do small, regular cleaning sessions? I know I can clean the ground floor of my house in 30 mins, or just the kitchen in 15 mins, my bedroom in 10 mins etc, so it gives me an incentive to do a quick, regular clean. I tend to pick one space per day to give a quick once-over with a damp cloth and hoover; that seems to mean I keep on top of the house as a whole without needing to do a big long cleaning session.

    5. Thlayli*

      I used to be a really tidy person when I had the time and energy. The trick is to have a place for everything. You need to put time and effort into thinking of where to put stuff. And it needs to be easy to access – the stuff u use most frequently should be the easiest to take out and put away.

    6. foolofgrace*

      Check out flylady dot com for keeping-house-clean tips. One of her tenets is to always start by washing the sink. I don’t know why but I feel a real sense of accomplishment when the sink is cleanser-clean. She has a great system made for people who have trouble in this area.

    7. matcha123*

      My apartment is about 223sq ft (~21sq m), very small, and like your place gets very cluttered if I don’t put things away ASAP.
      Basically, I make sure to wash my dishes and sweep every night. I wipe down my shower after every use (to keep mold away) and wipe down my counters. I try to keep my laundry folded, even if I don’t put it away for a few days.

      For me, it’s been spending a few seconds or minutes to sweep or throw things away. I make it a habit and it’s become second nature. Immediately throw away any food wrappings, junk mail, toilet paper rolls. Keeping that minimum amount of cleaning each day makes the big clean a bit easier.

  82. Stephanie*

    Hi everyone! I moved this week from Pittsburgh to Detroit. Movers are…somewhere, so I’m in that awkward phase where I’m on an air mattress and eating out a bunch. Start work on Monday. Trying to get as settled as I can until the rest of my things arrive.

    1. nep*

      In Detroit proper or a suburb? (If you want to get that specific.) You landed a job here, right? Congratulations.

          3. StellaBella*

            Congrats! I hope Monday goes well. Let us know how you like Detroit and how you settle in, too.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Moving is so weird. It’s exciting, sometimes crushingly lonely, and that limbo before your stuff arrives takes so much adjustment. In our case, we had two weeks before our stuff arrived, but by the time it did, I thought we’d just be hanging out on the living room floor forever and I was kind of ok with that.

      Anyway. Enjoy this time! It forces you to get out and explore. And good luck on Monday!

    3. Sami*

      Welcome to Michigan! Where road construction (deconstruction) never ends and if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes!
      Try some Faygo and Vernors! Better Maid chips! Sanders chocolate! Go be a Yooper for a long weekend! Check out Slows BBQ in Corktown!
      Enjoy!

      1. Stephanie*

        The joke I heard about Pennsylvania road construction: There are two seasons—winter and road repair.

          1. Stephanie*

            HAHA. Sigh. RIP my suspension.

            In Pittsburgh, some of the roads got paved over and fixed right before the Pittsburgh Marathon. Turns out the proceeds from the marathon entry fees were used to cover the road crew overtime.

    4. Forking Great Username*

      Welcome to Michigan! I hope you get your stuff soon and have fun exploring the cool parts of Detroit.

    5. No Name Yet*

      Welcome to Detroit! I don’t live there anymore, but there are a lot of things I really miss about the area. I hope the movers come quickly and your first day of work goes well!

  83. Can't Sit Still*

    I moved this weekend. I had movers yesterday to
    move all the big stuff and I’m moving the smaller things today. I moved in the same apartment complex, so everything went really fast. I only looked at available apartments last Tuesday, on a whim, and put the deposit down the same day.

    The cats are not happy about the change but they’re adjusting. The other cats in the complex would tease them through the windows and that won’t be a problem anymore.

    I am delighted. The new apartment is much lighter and quieter and has updated appliances and flooring. There’s less carpet, which I wanted. I’d really prefer no carpet at all, but that wasn’t an option. It’s a nice apartment, so I’m not sure why it was available for two months, almost unheard of in Silicon Valley. I guess it was waiting for me.

    It’s still annoying to move, but at least I can walk back and forth between apartments while I finish up the move. I hope to stay in this apartment for a while.

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      I’ve done that twice nice and I feel like moving within such a close distance is worse than moving several miles away. I’m glad you found such a nice place so randomly. Natural lighting is so lovely.

  84. MechanicalPencil*

    This is not my favorite conversation, but I’m fairly certain my hair is thinning from medication. Or maybe age. Hopefully medication since I’m planning to talk my doctor into titrating me off soon anyway. Until then, what can I do?

    I figure a haircut might help since my hair is down to my shoulder blades. I don’t have any noticeable patches missing, but my ponytail is much smaller in diameter than it used to be. Texturally speaking it’s wavy curly if that matters. I’m using the Aveda invati system, which is hella expensive and probably not something I can continue. Biotin just made me sprout hair in all the wrong places. Any other suggestions?

    1. fposte*

      For women, the only thing proven and approved to regrow hair from normal hair loss is Rogaine, and you have to keep taking it. The other thing you’ll want to do, though, if you haven’t, is get your thyroid checked, because hyperthyroidism does a number on your hair. (And of course, as you said, it could be related to medication or something else.) Basically, hit up your PCP and ask what’s up and then go from there.

    2. Kuododi*

      Check in with your MD and have them run a full thyroid panel. I have been living without a thyroid since 97 and one of the first signs of imbalance for me is thinning hair. Good luck!!!

      1. Trixie*

        Is thyroid blood work covered by your insurance? I’m not sure if I should request panel immediatey or wait for appt and see if they observe anything.

        1. Kuododi*

          Ive not had problems with the labs being covered. (Knock wood). I’m also living without a thyroid like I said in my previous post. That requires monitoring labs which I am sure are a different billing code on the insurance forms. (Yipee!!!). I recommend making the consultation appointment with your Primary Care MD and talk through all the reasons you believe thyroid is an issue needing evaluation. Best wishes!!!!

          1. Red Reader*

            It’s the same billing code for the labs themselves, but there should be a specific diagnosis that identifies that yours is postsurgical hypothyroidism as opposed to some other reason :) /medical coder

        2. fposte*

          My impression is that thyroid labs are pretty cheap and common first-line tools, so insurance is likely to cover them (you can always call insurance and ask). Just make sure the health care facility is keeping to the usual in-house/in-network labs.

    3. Rainy*

      So the first thing is to see your doctor and talk about Rogaine. The sooner the better, with hair loss. Also, massage your scalp really thoroughly and well when you shampoo, don’t put conditioner on your scalp, and if you are using Wen or another conditioner-only system, stop immediately and do a good stripping with Prell or baby shampoo. Those co-only things are full of waxes and they deposit on your hair and choke your follicles. Never use dry shampoos; they can cause hair loss.

      When my first husband died, my hair, always super super thick, started coming away in handfuls when I washed it. I changed a lot about how I cared for my hair, but one of the things that I took up after doing some research that helped, and that I continue to use, is a good biotin supplement. I use Nature’s Bounty hair skin & nails, with argan oil. It’s great–definitely the best of the many biotin supplements I’ve tried. My hair is not back to the density it had when I was younger, but A) I’m in my 40s and B) that’s not a bad thing. I had way too much hair back then. (My braid was thicker than my wrist–too much hair!)

      1. Courageous cat*

        I have a rare type of alopecia and none of my dermatologists have had any issue with me using dry shampoo. I think that assertion is anecdotal at best.

        1. Rainy*

          I said “can”, not “will”. If you, or the OP, want to use dry shampoo, go for it.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I mean, you also said “never use”, so if you want to pick apart your own words then it might be worth taking that into consideration.

    4. WS*

      Hair loss in women is often due to a hormone imbalance, particularly being hypothyroid. I have very thick hair, so it wasn’t noticeable to other people, but it was to me (and it all grew back once the problem was treated). Another issue can be mineral deficiency – a lack of iron and/or zinc can also cause hair thinning and loss. All these things can be checked with a blood test. It’s not always the case that there’s an underlying problem, but it very frequently is.

    5. the gold digger*

      I don’t remember which drug it was, as I have tried almost every migraine prophylactic there is, but one or more of them (Depakote? Lyrica?) made my hair fall out – like my fingers would be full of strands when I washed my hair and the bathroom floor was covered with my hair. (My aunt still remembers my visit when I was taking the drug.)

      I guess fortunately the drugs did nothing to prevent my headaches, so it was not a hard decision to stop taking them. Once I did, my hair stopped falling out. I hope it’s the drug and that you can stop taking it.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        I’m being treated for migraines, so it’s likely one of my prophylactics. What you’re describing is almost identical to mine. Except it’s halfway working? My neuro wants to start me on the new CPRG drug when I see him next. Fingers crossed there. However, an iron deficiency could also be likely since I’m mildly anemic. And there’s a history of thyroid problems in my family. Sigh.

    6. Agent Veronica*

      Get checked out by a doctor. If it’s your thyroid, you need to get that treated. OTOH, if it’s alopecia, you may benefit from medications like finasteride, spirolactone, or others that help you keep (but not regrow) hair. But you can’t effectively treat hair loss without knowing the cause.

    7. Yah*

      I experienced this, and after a blood test, I found I had low ferritin level. Under 40 causes hair loss; mine was at 17. I’ve been taking iron pills and have seen improvement, but it does take a while.

  85. Marie B.*

    I asked out a guy from my social group. We have lots in common, we clicked in the friend group, we are both single and looking so to speak. I have never asked anyone out on a date before and it was a nerve-racking thing for me to do because I have really liked him for a long time. He said no. He was nice about it but he said no. It took all I had not to cry right there and I did cry when I got home. A few of the others in the group told me to forget it and move on. I asked one person to find out why he said no. He said no because I am fat and he says he doesn’t date fat women. The person I asked to find out didn’t want to tell me why and was not a jerk about it. They are a friend I have no reason not to trust as is another person from the group I asked about it. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but I am crushed. I skipped an outing with the group in favor of staying home with ice cream. I feel stupid talking about it in person with anyone I know in real life.

    1. Marie B.*

      Also, I’m the one who told other people in the group I asked him out. He didn’t tell anyone and only gave the reason because the people I asked to find out kept asking him. He isn’t going around telling people I asked him out or why I said no. That’s part of why I feel so dumb. I’m the one who told people and they all know he said no because of me.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        He said no because he is a jerk. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Probably your friends think he was a jerk also.

        1. Rainy*

          Well, no. He said no because he didn’t want to go out with her, and that is okay, because consent is important.

        2. Nope*

          So when women aren’t attracted to a man who asks them out she has no obligation to go out with him, but a man must date a woman who asks him out regardless of whether or not he’s attracted to her? I’m pretty sure if a woman posted here about not wanting to out with a man because she didn’t like him or wasn’t attracted to him you would be telling her she doesn’t have to date anyone she doesn’t want to. And rightly so. No one should have to date anyone they don’t want to. It’s gross that you would call someone a joke for RESPECTFULLY saying no when asked out.

        3. Dan*

          Uh, no? He said no because he wasn’t attracted to her. That has everything to do with some sort of middle ground that we don’t judge people for, yes?

          1. Triple Anon*

            Right. Anyone can say no to anyone for any reason. The jerk-ish thing was telling someone else in the group that it’s “because she’s fat.” Maybe he thought it wouldn’t get back to her. I’ve said similarly mean things when I was younger and less aware of how much people gossip and repeat things like that. Joking with close friends, but when it gets repeated out of context, it’s hurtful. So maybe he’s an ok guy who used bad judgment. But if he’s worldly enough to know better, then c’mon, show some respect. “She’s not my type,” “I’m just not feeling it,” “I don’t feel that kind of connection with her,” anything like that would be fine. Basic rule of adulthood: don’t involve other people in your relationships or how you choose them.

            1. Rainy*

              Nope, please read more carefully–she told her friends she’d asked him out and then enlisted those friends to ask him why.

        4. Observer*

          No, he isn’t a jerk. He gets to be attracted to whom he is attracted to.

          I mean he COULD be a jerk, but this is not a sign of being a jerk. Now, if he had said anything to anyone without being asked, that would be different.

        5. nep*

          Agree with Rainy, Nope, Dan, and Observer on this. Really kind of threw me to hear straightaway that he said no because he’s a jerk.
          Sorry you’re hurting, Marie B. Rejection sucks. May the pain dissolve soon.

        6. Anu*

          I don’t think he’s a jerk for not agreeing to go out with her – obviously we should only go out with people we’re attracted to.

          But his reasons given are veering into jerk territory – I said no because she’s fat and “I don’t date fat women”? He could have just said he’s not attracted to her in that way. (And true, he didn’t say that to her, but he knew it would get back to her.)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yes, this is where I was going. He was fine with saying no. The wheels fell off when he said it was because she was fat.

            1. Forking Great Username*

              Well, he didn’t say it out of the blue. She asked him out, he said no, and she told mutual friends about it who bugged him about why he said no. His wording wasn’t great, but honestly that was a pretty bad position to put him in. If you turn someone down you shouldn’t be pressured to give a reason why. While I feel for OP because I’ve asked out friends and been rejected, and it sucks, the way she and the friends doing the asking reads as a little high school to me and I disagree that him not responding well to that makes him a jerk.

              I don’t mean to make you feel worse, OP. I know that you already acknowledged that you’re the one who told your friends about it (and I got the impression you wanted them to ask him why, but apologies if I’m reading that wrong) – just seconding your thoughts to steer away from doing that in the future.

            2. Melody Pond*

              I’d like to point out that we don’t actually KNOW for sure that this was his phrasing. We are hearing this phrasing not firsthand, not secondhand, but thirdhand. He might have cited the OP’s weight as a factor in his lack of attraction, or might have indicated that he never dates people at that weight level because he’s not attracted to that weight level. And the phrasing might have just gotten boiled down to something more harsh-sounding, when it was presented to the OP. Or, even the OP might be boiling it down for us in a way that sounds more harsh, because the OP is feeling hurt/disappointed/embarrassed by the idea of being rejected over physical attraction (all of which is completely reasonable), and to the OP’s perspective, that’s basically the important gist of his message.

              There’s a reason why the game “telephone” exists and is hilarious – because when people repeat things to each other multiple times, the original phrasing can easily get really warped. The only way for any of us to know the phrasing he used, with any certainty, would be if he had said it directly to us, in our presence. Or, I suppose if there were an actual audio recording that we had access to.

              1. Rainy*

                This is a great point.

                It’s possible he told the friend “she’s just not my type” and OP is assuming that means weight, or the friend assumed that was what it meant and conveyed that sentiment to OP rather than repeating verbatim.

                It is also really possible that, given that she told all her friends and asked them to find out from him why he turned her down, he was pestered to the point where he finally blew up at someone, at which point, come on, how do you blame someone for being tired of being harassed into “giving her a second chance”. I have definitely been the recipient of a triangulating attempt to turn my no into a yes, and it is infuriating and exhausting and ends up being harassment if people pursue it far enough.

          2. Dan*

            He was also *asked* why he wouldn’t go out with her. I don’t think he’s a jerk for being honest.

            I would consider it jerky to volunteer that information to the OP directly, but that isnt what happened – the reason was solicited.

      2. Kj*

        He doesn’t want to date you, his loss. I’m sorry this happened, but I suspect you dodged a bullet. Any guy who judges women for their weight is a jerk.

        1. Nope*

          Nicely declining to go on a date with someone (who are friends with and have always been nice towards) is not judging. Do you think someone should be forced to date someone even if they don’t want to? I suspect you would not be happy to be forced into a relationship with a person you were not attracted to.

          Marie is allowed to be sad that he declined. It’s hard to gather the courage to ask someone on a date and for them to say no. He was allowed to say no. There were no bullets to dodge because everyone is being respectful in this situation. He didn’t embarrass or mock her. That would make him a joke. Respectfully declining a date is not jerky.

        2. Dan*

          Sorry but no. We all have the right to date who we want/don’t want for any or no reason, stated or not. That’s life – we all gotta learn to take rejection with grace and dignity, no matter the gender.

      3. Nicolette*

        I disagree with Not So New Reader and Kj that he is a jerk. He has always been friendly to her. He rejected her nicely. He didn’t tell anyone or do anything to embarrass her. He isn’t talked about her behind her back. He only said something in answer to people who wouldn’t leave him alone. I’m fat. I wouldn’t want someone to date me unless they were attracted to me. No one is obligated to date someone they aren’t attracted to.

        Marie, I think you were brave to put yourself out there and ask. I’m sorry you are hurting. I’ve been there and I know it hurts. Good vibes to you.

        1. Nope*

          +1. It boggles my mind that he is catching flack and being called a jerk because he declined in a respectful way. If a man posted about a woman declining him no one would call her a jerk. I didn’t realize anyone is required to say yes if asked out. If he had been a jerk to Marie it would be a different case. But he wasn’t and he is still getting slagged for it. I didn’t expect to see such regressive attitudes in a progressive place like this.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I guess I should have been more clear. I don’t see any thing wrong with saying no. I see something hugely wrong with calling people fat and judging them by their appearance. Sorry that was not clear.

          1. Forking Great Username*

            But let’s be real – appearance is a huge part of dating. I wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t attracted to me!

          2. Clever Name*

            I’m currently doing online dating and I absolutely 100% judge every single man I come across by appearance. I’ve gone on dates with guys where I wasn’t attracted to them in their photo and it was no different in person. Why waste your time on people you’re not attracted to?

      4. fposte*

        How dating can be like job-hunting: you may hear “no” more often than “yes,” and it’s not personal, just part of the process, even if it feels personal.

        Asking people out is scary, and rejection is no fun. As you’ve learned, it’s not a good move to try to find out why you got turned down–treat it respectfully, shrug off the bummer, and move on. You don’t even know if the reason he gave the intermediary is real (a “no” is a complicated thing too), and it doesn’t matter–he wasn’t feeling it, and you accept and move on. No big deal that other people learned you got turned down–everybody’s been turned down for stuff.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I’m so sorry. I asked and got turned down plenty of times. It sucks, I know.

      I’m glad he was nice to your face, but I’m sorry he was stupid enough to answer your friend’s question, and I’m even sorrier that your friend was mean enough to repeat it to you.

      If someone doesn’t want to go out with you, knowing the reason is only ever going to feel worse. It’s never, ever going to make you feel better.

      I hope you are soon able to hang out with some nice friends who appreciate you and are more thoughtful of your feelings.

    3. Rainy*

      That sucks and is not a good feeling, but you can learn some important lessons from this.

      Never, ever ask someone why they don’t want to date you. The reason will either be reasonable and make you sad, or unreasonable and make you sad, but either way, you’ll be sad. The best thing to do is say “okay, cheers, see you next Basketweaving Night at the pool!” and walk away.

      Because look, when someone isn’t interested, it’s not personal. It feels personal, but it’s not. He behaved really well actually, except for giving in to your friend’s pressure and giving a reason. No one should ever give a reason.

      And well done you! You took your shot, this one didn’t make it into the net, but you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and it can be really intimidating to ask people out, so good job using your words.

    5. matcha123*

      It sucks to be turned down by someone you were into. However, you should give yourself a lot of credit for putting yourself into an uncomfortable position! I sucked it up and asked out someone last year who I thought was very much into me and he turned me down. It still stings. Since that time, I’ve gone on a number of dates and all of them have decided against a relationship with me. And yes, it totally sucks!
      It sucks every time, but use this time to have a good cry and pick yourself up. It’s ok to feel foolish for a bit, but that’s one down and more to go before you find the person that matches you.

    6. Triple Anon*

      I’ve stayed in touch with a few guys who rejected me because we had friends in common. About half the time, I realize later that I don’t like them very much either and it could have gone the other way. The other half, I continue to like them as friends and I see, through their dating choices, that I just wasn’t the kind of person they wanted to date and that we probably would have had different ideas about relationships. It’s easy to make peace with that.

      There have been a couple of times when someone rejected me but we remained friends and eventually it turned into a serious relationship. Those were dysfunctional relationships. We had a lot in common, but there were issues. I learned to take rejection at face value and not give it another chance unless there’s an obvious reason to.

      I don’t know if any of this is helpful. Any kind of rejection sucks, but it is something almost everyone experiences; when it happens to me, I take comfort in that. It’s like having a cold or something. An unpleasant but nearly inevitable part of life.

  86. The Other Dawn*

    Another gardening question: when is it time to let a hegde go?

    I have a hedge, well really three hedges that have grown into one. The three separate hedges are beautiful on their own. One is scentless mock orange (which actually smells so pretty), a variety of azelia with fushia flowers, and another one that has thorns and gorgeous white flowers. Basically, these hedges really fit with the age of the house (1735). The problem is I’m having a hard time keeping them tamed. And what complicates it is there are Vines growing up through them and also a small maple tree grew up in the middle and it’s now about 7 feet tall. Oh and there’s some poison ivy and other weeds in there. It’s a lot to manage and it’s getting worse. I don’t know if I should have a landscaper in to try and clean it up or just have it all torn out and start over. But it’s hard letting go because they’re beautiful. I love seeing them every spring.

    1. Enough*

      Suggest you get a landscape designer to give you ideas. They may be able to clean it up and give you a plan to stay on top of it. Or they may say starting over is best.

        1. fposte*

          Cuttings would take you forever. I think if you want to replace, you’ll want to buy new plants, even if they’re the same species of shrub.

        2. Enough*

          Azaleas propagate easily by pushing a branch from an existing plant into the soil. I have 2 bushes that started that way. But they are slow growing plants. I have some that are over 30 years old and the largest is about 4ft tall and 7 ft across. The soil and proper fertilization and water make a big difference.

    2. fposte*

      I’m going to complicate things by suggesting additional choices. You can also take out only one or two. You can prune them (probably should prune them) or even renewal/rejuvenation prune them–prune them down to about 4″ from the ground. Not all shrubs respond well to renewal pruning, so it would help to know more about these before you do.

      And as with any garden question like this, you’ll need to know what you’ll put there if you take them out, otherwise you’ll just end up with poison ivy and weed maple without your hedge shrubs.

      What you might do is call out a landscaper to see what s/he proposes and how much it would cost. (They’ll likely know what that third shrub is, too.) That might give you a better idea of what your options are.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      If I get rid of the whole hedge, then I think I would plant some large rhododendruns. We had those at my childhood home and always loved them. Azaleas, too.

      I just don’t know what to do. I’m thinking I’ll get an estimate and go from there. It’s just so overwhelming to look at and to think about having to deal with it myself while having my back problems. Just planting tomatoes and doing a little weeding yesterday got it to acting up.

  87. Unhappy Traveller*

    Any tips for dealing with anxiety related to traveling?

    Doesn’t matter what kind of travel it is (though flying is far worse) or why, but I’m really struggling with anxiety and panic attacks while en route. Even if I can keep the panic attacks at bay, I am usually stricken with terrible diarrhea starting a few days in advance and lasting days. OTC meds do help but I’d like to stop chugging Pepto bismol like it’s water. I don’t even have anxious thoughts so much, it’s like my body just goes into “cleanse” mode as soon as it knows it’s coming.

    I don’t really want to be a world traveler, but I don’t want to miss out on fun things with friends or family because I’m too freaked out.

    1. Kuododi*

      I’m not a big traveler, however I have found that yogurt or red meat and bread are ways to help manage ” lower gastric distress” without resorting to the jumbo jug of Pepto. ;). Just a couple of Grandma’s home remedies I’ve found to be helpful over the years. Best regards!!!

      1. Unhappy Traveller*

        Steak DOES seem to help, now that I think about it! I had a big steak dinner the second night into my current trip and things have improved since then.

    2. Bibliovore*

      This is exactly me. My primary doctor gives me a low dose of ativan for when I traveling. I know not to eat any high fibre meals. I carry plain crackers with me. On the road, pepto bismal tablets as needed. It does get better.

    3. fposte*

      It kicks up my Crohn’s for the same reason. I prefer Imodium to Pepto–it works better and it’s lighter to carry. I also find that there’s a circularity, in that stress about digestive issues increases the digestive issues. If I can take enough Imodium (or, these days, my prescription) to really break the circuit, I’m not so stressed. (I also take Xanax for flying, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference to the digestive side.)

      1. Bibliovore*

        yes to imodium for getting on airplanes. For the days later stuff pepto because sometimes the Imodium causes constipation and that is a whole other thing. Oh and ginger chews for all travel.

        1. fposte*

          You can also bite Imodium in half or smaller pieces if you want to calibrate more finely. Just don’t share them after that :-).

      2. Unhealthy Traveller*

        I think Imodium is one of the only stomach medicines I haven’t tried. I’ll give that a shot next time. I take prescription meds for my stomach, but it doesn’t really deal with what happens after it leaves my stomach. Thanks!

    4. nep*

      I don’t know whether you get nausea along with the diarrhea–but ginger is good for that. Health food stores will have ginger products like lozenges that might help if there’s nausea.

      1. Unhealthy Traveller*

        No nausea unless I also get a panic attack, thankfully. If I had nausea too I feel like I’d die of fright. I’m terrified of throwing up!

  88. Always Angry*

    Reposted as I accidentally posted this under another thread. Thank you for the comments there, I have read them and they help and there’s some good advice for me in there.

    I keep getting horribly angry and taking it out on my son, who’s only 7 and doesn’t deserve it.

    Going to a therapist soon, but what else can I do in the meantime?

    I suspect it’s because I have been socialised never to get angry and it’s all leaking out round the edges. I hate it.

    I feel like a shitty parent (…. because I’m being a shitty parent). FWIW I apologise and explain as best I can in age appropriate ways and tell him it’s not his fault…. but……

    1. Thlayli*

      You need to find another outlet for your anger. You need to realise that your behaviour towards your son is abusive (or borderline abusive at least).

      1 stop hiding your anger in the moment with people other than your son. Practice saying things like “I’m really annoyed by you saying that” or whatever it is that angers you
      2 if you feel angry when with your son, say to him “I’m giving myself a time out” and go sit down in the other room.
      3 things that kids do that annoy us are usually not cooperating with us trying to look after them – not brushing their teeth for example. I find it helps to think of it like : which is worse for my son, to go to bed one night with dirty teeth, or to have me yell at him and scare him. Send him to bed with dirty teeth and after he is in bed and you’ve calmed down think of some non-angry way to get him to brush his teeth tomorrow.

    2. WS*

      Walk away. As long as your son isn’t in a physically dangerous situation, just walk away from him. Go sit in another room, go punch a pillow, have a little walk, do whatever you need to do to get back on an even keel.

      When you’re not under stress, make a list of things that trigger your anger around your son and work on avoiding those situations entirely, or (if they’re absolutely necessary like getting ready for school) do as much preparation as you can before the situation arises so that there’s less stress at the critical time.

      Good luck, and I hope your therapist gives you the help you want and need.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Thlayli and WS both recommended this, and it’s worth thirding: step away when you’re feeling angry with or around your son. Ideally you’d let him know verbally that you’re taking a time out, but if you can’t, go to another room, and explain when you return that you took a time out, and that sometimes you might need to do that, but you’ll always come back. Try to reassure your child that it’s not because of him.

      You can try deep breathing during your timeout, or if you’re somewhere you can’t step away: inhale for a count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 8. Cycling through this even three times can help you reset, and that’s less than one minute.

      I was also socialized not to express any negative emotions. Would it help to have an “anger journal”? Write out your feelings—use black marker and all caps if it helps—you can even rip up the page at the end, which can be satisfying.

      1. Thursday Next*

        P.S. You’re not a terrible parent. Most parents get angry at times. It’s hard to find outlets for that anger when you’re around your child so much. Try to do some special things when you’re feeling not-angry. I don’t mean big outings, but 10 minutes where he gets to choose the activity, or an extra bedtime story while snuggling.

    4. Forking Great Username*

      I’ve had similar feelings lately with my 5 year old son. Although I’m not even a person who was conditioned to not get angry – I’ve just always been a super calm, hard to upset person! But this kid has my number and knows how to push all of my buttons in a way that seriously frightens me with how much of a rage I can fly into.

      The walking away/put yourself in timeout advice is good, assuming that your kid isn’t like mine, who will just follow me so he can continue button pushing. If I shut the door (he’ll, if I even try to just have privacy in the bathroom) he pounds on it.

      I don’t know if this advice will be applicable to you if the anger is not actually coming from things your son is doing/saying, but I’ve come to realize that usually when my son is doing the things that make me rage, it’s because he WANTS a reaction. Ive learned that the most effective thing is for me to shrug my shoulders and say “whatever” or “okay” in a bored tone of voice when I have the urge to yell at him. Sometimes I have to do it two or three times as he escalates and says or does worse things to try to get a response (his go to is currently “You’re not my family anymore!” So that’s great.) But I am finally starting to see him reach out for attention in more positive ways since the negative is getting no response.

      Again, sorry if this isn’t applicable to you! But maybe it can help someone. Shutting myself down into that bored tone has just really helped defuse the anger for me. And other commenters, I know the standard advice for kids clearly seeking attention and a response is to spend more time with them and make sure they’re getting more attention, I promise you my kid gets plenty of time playing with me and positive attention. He just wants me to be interacting with him literally 100% of the time, and I’m an introvert who occasionally does need down time!

    5. Always Angry*

      I can’t leave him. He follows me :-/

      I hate being told this is abuse. I know it’s abuse. This is learned behaviour. My parent did it to me. I am trying SO HARD to break the chain. I have spent 40+ years being emotionally abused and recently started to break free. Being told I’m abusive just makes me want to give up and pass my child to their gaslighting horrible other parent.

      I want help but there is no one I trust to ask.

      I am hoping beyond hope that therapy helps. Thank you to those who commented with kindness.

      1. Self employed*

        Why are you angry, in the moment? Are you impatient? Is he throwing things at you? Trying to find the root emotion (hurt, impatience, frustration) may help you stop and say to yourself, “I am frustrated he is not listening. I am the adult and I will remain calm.” You may find additional tools with mindfulness — it’s not woo-woo and can help you be more aware of your thoughts and feelings as they occur— and move away from the angry impulse. Best wishes to you.

        1. Always Angry*

          I am cry-laughing over here. You know what triggered this being so bad this week? A meditation/mindfulness session earlier this week. Since then I’ve been sobbing and exhausted and furious and I am so frustrated that this session was provided by people who should be aware of the possibility of triggering trauma.

          I am not friends with mindfulness and meditation right now (which is frustrating because I’ve had great experiences with meditation in the past).

          I think I pick up on his pain and frustration (it’s been a hard year) and blame myself and shy away from it and then lash out. I hate it. It all happens very fast although I know that doesn’t mean I can’t change it.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I think we’re all on your side, and hoping things will get better.

        I don’t know where you live, but sometimes there are parenting hotlines you can call in the moment. Perhaps your local hospital (social worker with labor and delivery or pediatrics) might have a list of resources.

        If you think it could work, you could also enlist your son’s help in your time out, to see if he’ll stop following you. Give him a visual timer, like Time Timer, and ask him to come get you when it’s up. Tell him the rules ahead of time, and use this timer for this purpose only. When you need a break, set the timer and walk away.

        Or get a timer for hide and seek and have him seek first, with the timer as his countdown. Your job is to hide really, really well. :)

        Take care and let us know how you’re doing.

      3. Reba*

        This sounds so, so hard and you are doing the right thing by seeking therapy and trying to change your reactions. I think it will help, but remember that it’s not always a quick process.

        Re: he follows you. You’re the parent. You don’t have to engage with him any time he wants.

        You might also ask the pediatrician’s office or therapist if they have book recommendations. One I’ve heard mentioned a lot is “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.” You could also give the NAMI hotline a try for more suggestions. https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-HelpLine

        Good luck!

      4. The New Wanderer*

        Ages 5-8 seem to be a trigger for me. I was really patient (for me) when they were babies and toddlers. I am not at all patient now that my older is 8 and younger is almost 5. Something about when the interactions go negative just gets to me and I snap at them sometimes. It happens. I know that a major contributor is the stress I myself am under, and I try to keep that contained but yeah, it gets out in unproductive ways when I overreact to some minor thing that went wrong. I do apologize and explain what happened to the kids when I’m calm enough to do so (usually within minutes), but I’m definitely not setting a good example and it shows in how they respond to the things that make them mad.

        It’s great that you’re going to see a therapist, that’s a huge step. Therapy is going to be your best bet for both getting at how to break the cycle and specific coping strategies for in the moment. Also, it doesn’t sound like you have someone you trust that can step in and take over when you are off your game – is it possible to get a sitter or mother’s helper once in a while, to give yourself a break? Even if you’re in the house, just not being the one in charge helps. The main things that help me are being well rested and getting a break from being Mom. Take the pressure off yourself when and where you can.

        Also, flipping the script can help. If you feel it coming on, change your plans, get a change of scenery, get both of you out of the negative moment. It’s hard to have the presence of mind to do so, I know. But it has worked on the times I’ve been able to do that. For example we rarely go out to eat so suggesting that usually changes the atmosphere right away. Or going to do an activity (going to a different playground than usual or a kids’ museum or grocery shopping where they can each get one treat).

        1. Always Angry*

          I just deleted a reply that was too explain-y.

          TLDR: I need some better friends who will actually help.

        2. tangerineRose*

          Being able to get some time away from your kid might help a lot. A day care center or babysitter maybe?

          1. Always Angry*

            I work full time and I feel like all our time is pressured and I don’t see enough of him as it it is.

            Having said that: I could actually get Y to pick up a bit of the slack sometimes. Hmm.

            I will consider these things and see what options i can find.

            Thank you.

      5. Thlayli*

        Can you go into a separate room and lock the door? When my kids were overwhelming me when they were little I would go sit on the other side of the stair gate a few steps up where they couldn’t reach me.

        Or is there a tv show he will watch. When you feel you are about to lose it stick on some screen time and give yourself a break.

        You really need to find a way to get a few minutes break from him if the alternative is to get angry at him.

        There’s a great book called how to talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk and it explains a problem solving technique where you sit down with the kid and come up with a plan together. I highly recommend it. At 7 he should be old enough to understand time out and so on. Sit down with him at a time when you are both calm and explain to him that you are going to set up a “mommy time out” zone and that when you get angry you are going to give yourself a time out, just like he gets a time out when he’s naughty. Kids love being asked to help so ask him to help you think of a place you could use and get him involved in the plan. Make it fun. Then when the time comes he’ll be more likely to go along with it.

    6. Thursday Next*

      There is an emotional identification and regulation method for kids called “Zones of Regulation.” It asks kids to identify events that put them in various “zones” (green, yellow, red), feelings associated with those events, and things they can do to help themselves feel better. As part of my son’s OT, I was asked to fill out one of these sheets too, to show him everyone has different zones and no one’s calm and happy all the time. (Also, the OT had him fill out a sheet about me, and it was really interesting what he observed.)

      Just a thought…maybe you could have your son do one for himself, and you do one for yourself with events that are age appropriate for him. For example, for my yellow zone, I put “having to find parking on a Sunday evening,” not “when tuition and taxes are due at the same time.”

      It could give you an opening to talk about how you’re trying to manage your feelings, and perhaps elicit some information from him about his feelings? This might not be the time for that, but at some point it could be useful. I recommend just looking up Zones for yourself.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      I’m sorry this is so hard. Good for you for finding a therapist to work with. Good for you for apologizing and explaining. It’s appropriate to be angry over having been abused. It’s a gift to recognize that you’re breaking a cycle.

      Exercise can release some emotions. One option is walk until you start thinking about other things, too, than what you’re het up about, and then you can walk back. Easier when you can call a sitter or drop your son off with someone else for a while.

      You are brave, strong, perceptive, determined, and you have a big heart.

      1. Forking Great Username*

        Super unhelpful comment. She knows and is asking for help. Shaming someone for that just encourages people to NOT reach out for the help they need to fix these situations.

      2. Always Angry*

        Yep. He has a mother who has been emotionally abused by both a parent and a spouse and who is trying to heal from the aftermath. He is trying to process his other parent being in a new relationship. I feel so dreadful that his other parent is an abusive gaslighting shit who I suspect is a psychopath (although not the murderous kind, AFAIK) and that I am still hurting so much that I deal with things in a damaging way sometimes.

        I wish he wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had had better parents and hadn’t been emotionally abused growing up, because then we wouldn’t be here. But I’m here, and what would you rather I do? Ask for help that I can use before my appointment, or just keep going without any help because people Shame me when i ask in desperation? Your comment makes me much less likely to be able to make immediate changes.

        This comment does not reflect the supportive community that lives here.

  89. Newtothisgame*

    Well I really enjoyed my Tinder date last week, we chatted for a couple of hours. He suggested we meet up again. Annndddd crickets. Not heard anything at all. I sent a message saying thanks, I had a great time so it’s not because I’ve ignored him. So that one’s a bust!

    But two more guys have asked me out for coffee once they get back from their respective holidays. So not all doom and gloom! This does feel weird talking to and arranging meet ups with more than one guy at a time though!!

    1. dating*

      I had this exact same thing happen with an online date recently. She texted me early the next morning to say she’d had a great time, let’s do it again, we had some back and forth and then I actually sent a suggestion asking if she’d be interested in checking out x and nada. Why engage in conversation if you’re not interested? I find that so confusing!

      1. Rainy*

        Sometimes it’s in the course of the conversation that you figure out you’re not interested. Also, something I noticed whilst online dating was that because the people you meet are pretty separate from your daily life, what is for you not an abnormal response time because of the other stuff you have going on can be perceived as going dark. I’ve done it and had it happen to me both, and what seems reasonable when it’s your job/school/life/illness can, if you aren’t careful, seem an affront when it’s someone else’s. I’ve been bitched out by dudes for lack of timely response when I was swamped by school or had been flat on my back with a bad flu, unable to do anything but shiver and drink tea.

        1. dating*

          Yes, of course, I’ve had the same from women who felt I was not answering quickly enough. But then others feel you are crowding them if you are too eager. It’s hard when you don’t know each other.

          1. Clever Name*

            As a woman who is currently online dating, all I can say is I feel you. I think your best bet is to reach out to them as often as you want to and the woman who is right for you will like how often you are contacting her. It’s about finding the person you mesh with, you know?

  90. I am still Furious!!*

    Divorce update!

    I signed the post nuptial agreement on Friday, and handed over the payment# 1 of 2 of the
    settlement. My soon to be ex called me the day before and asked when I was signing and demanding that a check be sent by courier to his attorney’s office so he could pick it up and cash it on Friday. I said I was pretty sure that’s not how it worked. Of course, I gave money to my attorney, who deposited it to his account, then he’ll write a check and send it to STBEX’s attorney, and he should have it sometime next week.

    He called again Friday night, asking when he will get his money, because, after all, I left him and now he wants it to be over…and I explained all this, and he stated that if he didn’t have his money by next Friday, it was all off and he wasn’t doing anything. I explained my attorney will deposit my check to his escrow account, wait for it to clear, then send the check to his attorney’s office (2 blocks away), and that I have no control over how long checks take to clear in our banking systems.

    So sad, too bad, you signed the papers, I signed, it’s notarized and done. Not my fault you’ve gotten yourself in a mess again and you need cash. Plus – he made me wait for 7 months after I moved out and filed papers before he’d even do one thing. First it was June 30, then June 15, then I WANT MY MONEY NOW!!. Part of me wants to know why the mad rush, but most of me doesn’t want to know and doesn’t care.

    So, on November 1, he is supposed to sign the waiver of consent forms and they will be filed at the courthouse along with mine (already signed) and the divorce will be final a few day after that, just 4 1/2 months from now.

    Someone asked me if I was going to celebrate this weekend, and I said no. It’s not anything to celebrate really, I wish things could have turned out differently, but they didn’t, and I can’t help but feel I’ve failed at least myself on some level, so while I’m relieved and glad to move on with my life, I’m not feeling especially happy or celebratory, if that makes any sense.

    Oh, and I was thinking of trying to get the rest of the settlement together and paying early, not waiting until June 30 2019, but now, nope. I’m waiting until the very last day possible. I may even drag my feet after that, because the only penalty to me is a 6% per annum interest rate. I might just wait a year, pay the extra 6%, just because. I haven’t decided yet.

    1. Roseberriesmaybe*

      You may not feel like celebrating, but your STBEX sounds infuriating and has not changed his issues with money. And now he’s out of your hair! That is not easy, you’ve been through the wringer to get to this place, and my thoughts are with you

    2. anon attorney*

      Check that with your attorney. In my jurisdiction if you don’t pay up, the other party can usually take steps to enforce the agreement, and they could recover the cost of doing that from you as well as their 6% interest. Tempting, but make sure you don’t leave yourself exposed!

    3. UtOh!*

      Could you tell your STBEX to contact your lawyer instead of calling you directly about the settlement money so you’re out of the middle?

      While you may not want to celebrate, why not do something nice for yourself, you’ve done some really hard work here. Even a manicure or something else relaxing, just for you.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, maybe not celebrate, Still Furious, but arrange some kind of ritual to mark that you’ve reached this point of what has been a dreadful process. It’s tried and tested you, and you’re coming through it!

        “doesn’t want to know and doesn’t care” — that’s a position of strength in yourself.

        1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

          This this this. You are so strong, and I hope you keep being kind to yourself. He sounds absolutely infuriating, and if you decide that you want to treat yourself for dealing with him, go for it.

    5. Belle di Vedremo*

      I understand not wanting to celebrate, but *look how far you’ve come.* Look at him continuing to prove that you made the right decision. Please keep us posted.

  91. Self employed*

    How do you get to like gardening and yard work? It’s too hot, bugs, don’t know what to plant, etc. but it needs to be done. Any tips?

    1. Red*

      I used to grow lots of edible things. Like, flowers are boring and have bees. Tomatoes are amazing. So I’d grow tomatoes or whatever.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I work with a tight budget and I do enjoy yard work. But sometimes it just gets to be waaay too much. So a couple times a year I pay someone to mow/weedwhack or plow. Just to give myself a short break. It’s very helpful.

    3. LilySparrow*

      For me, it’s getting excited about the vision of how I want it to look, or another goal of what I want to get out of it, like edibles, cut flowers, or attracting butterflies and hummingbirds, and so forth.
      I get kind of maternal about some of my plants, and get excited watching them “take” and thrive, which motivates me to keep them weeded and pruned.

      It also helps to have a seating area, eating area, or some other non-work way to enjoy being outdoors.

      What are your goals and how do you enjoy your outdoors space?

    4. Amaryllis*

      Themes! Edible landscaping, planting by color, planting by animal (butterfly-friendly, hummingbird-friendly, specific-songbird-friendly), planting by fragrance…lots of choices. Yard work is hard because the concept takes shape so slowly, but I find that starting with a very cohesive plan helps it solidify in my mind and give me more motivation.

  92. Anon dating question*

    Semi regular commentor going anon here:

    Okay so this is overly personal, but I trust the judgement of the hive mind here and didn’t know who else to ask. Downloaded tinder recently and I know all the advice about precautions to take when you’re meeting someone, and not telling them where you live, etc., but should I be careful who I’m talking explicitly to in the app? I feel a little weird about this, but I swiped right on one of those “ask me to tell you what I’d do to you” -type profiles with no profile pictures and started a conversation.

    Part of me says, it doesn’t matter, who cares, because we’re literally just talking- I won’t be meeting him (if it’s even really a him), and on the other hand, my gut says I should still be careful- but not sure what of or how.

    Help?

    1. fposte*

      I think as long as you keep pictures out of it you’re pretty safe. That’ll weed out the “OMG I’m really 14” scammers and the blackmailers.

      1. Anon dating question*

        My profile pictures are there, but I’m definitely won’t send any more risqué ones

        1. Kuododi*

          I did my dating at the Dawn of Time before the Internet….so I missed the joy of dating websites. Wanted to give you my personal rule of thumb when posting on social media. Never post something you would be embarrassed if your Grandmother saw….Food for thought. ;)

          1. Anon dating question*

            My profile pics & bio are very clean (I’ve run across coworkers in there before, so I know they may see it), but trying to figure out how to be smart about messaging

            1. Rainy*

              When I was online dating–and I didn’t use Tinder–I didn’t get explicit like that while messaging. Once you are dating, of course, sexting is fair game, but I was intentionally selecting against the kind of person who thinks that kind of thing is a good conversational gambit with a stranger. :)

              Nothing is ever really safe when it comes to messaging like that–I mean, even Signal can’t stop you from taking a photo of your screen with another device, but I would err on the side of caution especially with in-app chat/message functions. Some developer, bored at night, is definitely skimming message logs.

            2. Kuododi*

              I would suggest always err on the side of caution when messaging, texting etc. Even if you’re officially dating someone, you never really know what someone would be willing to repost, release etc in the event of hurt feelings, breakup and so forth. DH and I will have been married 25 years in January, I trust him with everything I have and am. That being said, he and I do flirt on text and in email but we definitely keep it “G rated.”. We save the sexy talk for when we are IRL in private. Hope that helps….my heads still a bit goofy from pain meds post surgery. Good luck.

      2. Anon dating question*

        And thank you- it feels really embarrassing to ask, but I’d rather be safe than sorry

    2. Salt Water*

      Be careful of the info you volunteer. Nothing that might pinpoint your location, like “I live a block from that park.”

      Or you say you have to go feed your cat/volunteer at the art museum/whatever. Oh hey! He has a cat/is an artist/whatever. You think you have things in common, this is more than chatting and should meet.

      If anything seems off, trust your instincts.

  93. LuJessMin*

    I’ve been cleaning out my shed and selling some of my collectibles on eBay (this time around it’s Happy Meal toy sets from late 90’s-early 00’s). Last week I had a buyer that took three days and a threat to cancel the sale before he paid. He bought another piece and again, we’re on the third day with the threat of cancellation. He’s also put an offer on another item, but I’m not going through this again. He is not getting that piece – I’ll keep it myself before I sell it to him.

    1. Thlayli*

      Hang on – happy meal toys might be worth money in future? I’ve just been giving them all to charity once the kids get bored of them.

    2. DaBlonde*

      You probably know this already, but you can block him as a buyer so that he cannot buy from you anymore.

      1. LuJessMin*

        Yes, I’ll be doing that soon. I got eBay involved and I have to wait until Friday to cancel the sale.

        Most of my toys were Happy Meal toys from other countries – Thailand, Singapore, Australia. Their toys were soooo much nicer than American ones. But if you have a complete set from the 80s-90s-early 00s, check them out on eBay. They could be worth some money!

  94. Laura H*

    My trip was lovely but boy am I glad to be home and have two days after today to recuperate before my next shift. Didn’t drive but still two 7 hr trips by car is exhausting.

    Hopefully getting my permanent crown on Tuesday. Had some coloring issues that kinda dragged it on.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Yes, happy Pride! My friend and I are going to a drag brunch this morning for her birthday! We’re super excited!

  96. crossing wires with friends*

    A friend and I wanted to make plans, and I suggested something today if she was free, then didn’t hear back…until just now. I had assumed it was a no-go, so made plans with someone else (yesterday afternoon, i.e., I left today way open). I’m so annoyed! I know in my head that I didn’t do anything wrong but I feel bad about the whole thing.

    1. crossing wires with friends*

      What I meant was I only made plans for today yesterday afternoon, giving other friend plenty to time to reach out.

    2. fposte*

      One thing I’d do in future is close the loop if you don’t hear. “Looks like Sunday won’t work this time–I’ll catch you some other weekend!” That way there’s not a dangling invitation that could be picked up too late.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I have a friend that does that, and it’s really annoying. I’ve learned to tell her that I want to know by X time or day. Of course, she’s someone who believes that not answering is an answer, so she just never got back to me at all adn would say, “Oh, I figured you’d know that I’m not going since I didn’t get back to you.” Yeah, I guess, but I find it rude. Just say you can’t or don’t want to, and then I can move on! Anyway, I now make a point to bug her if I don’t hear back. It’s childish, I know, but I do it so she’s forced to answer me.

  97. Be the Change*

    What’s your “love of the week”?

    I’m listening to the podcast “Best of Both Worlds,” and it’s fun. A bit twee and definitely for the high income working mom group (um, which I’m not either high income or a mom, but I guess that means it’s pretty fun anyway). They end with the “Love of the Week” which could be anything from a handy kitchen thing to a new tv show, room service breakfast as a special treat during vacation, a good book, whatever. I thought it was a nice idea for the weekend open thread. :-)

    My “love of the week” is my Staedtler fine-liner pens of which I have 36 colors, mmmmm!

    1. Amber Rose*

      Beat Saber. Its a virtual reality rhythm game, kind of a mix between guitar hero and DDR. I’m sort of obsessed with it. I’ve been playing every day.

        1. Amber Rose*

          It is super cool! Makes you feel like a badass. Only comes with 10 songs but the mod community has created a ton more.

    2. Forking Great Username*

      This was my first successful week of meal planning – it came after many failed weeks, so I’d say the site that finally helped me pull it together, which is called plantoeat. It goes in my favorites so that when I see a recipe I like online, I just click and it pulls it over to my account on their site. Then I slide the meals I want for the week into my calendar, it compiles a grocery list for me, and I spend Sunday afternoon prepping so that the rest of the week all I have to do is pull meat out of the freezer to thaw and put stuff in the oven once it is thawed.

      I’m someone who always comes home from work exhausted and decides I’m too tired to cook, wasting lots of food that goes bad before I cook it and money on fast food or take out. So I’m happy to find a system that looks like it might work for me!

  98. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Can I just complain for a minute? I hate taxes.
    Parent’s messed up their taxes about 20 years ago, and I just realized it. It’s not really an issue until a specific event happens, which will happen in the next year or so, so now I need to figure out the impact.
    Plus, where I live, I have to file 3 different tax returns. One is easy. The other two are easy individually, but impact each other when combined. I messed up that interaction, so now I need to file an amended return for the other. I do not want to deal with this.
    And my cat is overtired and crabby due to excessive activity and schedule disruption yesterday. So today I’m dealing with a cranky toddler who doesn’t want to nap in a cat’s body.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, god, the dropped stitch of ages ago. There’s stuff from my dad’s estate where I’m paying extra now because cost basis would be so hard to determine, and I figure it’s just not worth it.

  99. Cruciatus*

    Open houses are always awkward for me. I just went to one for literally the only house currently listed that has everything I want (and just me)–location, quiet but really close the main strip, rooms are OK sizes, decent yard, good size (about 2000 sq. ft but 900 of that is the finished basement with storage so the upper floors are just the right amount). But then there’s a family of, like, 5 or 6 in there talking about how spacious it is and I’m there alone thinking “Hmm, kitchen’s kinda tight (galley kitchen).” I asked the agent why she thought the house wasn’t selling and she said that some families think it’s just too much space. And again, I’m like “is this enough? For just me?” It does have more bedrooms than I need (I’d like 3 but would honestly probably be OK with 2), I don’t need a formal dining room but I’m used to having one so I like that. I’m looking for a house I can live in a long time so circumstances could change and this house would allow for that. But it makes me feel ridiculous (though I have to remember that I”m coming from a 3000+sq. ft house that doesn’t feel huge because I’m so used to it). Sigh. Makes me wonder just how small the house the other family is coming from. I just wish I felt less awkward about needing a place with space (but…so much space a family of 6 could live there?). Decisions, decisions.

    1. Thursday Next*

      It’s definitely about perspective. We’re a family of four in an 1100-sq ft apartment. Would we like more space? Yes. But we’ve also adapted our lifestyle to this space. I purge clothes and toys aggressively, and we have fewer items with a large footprint than families in suburban houses have.

      So if downsizing for you means going from 3000 to 2000, that’s fine. It sounds like you don’t want to go smaller. If it’s “upsizing” for the other family, that doesn’t alter the fact that it’s still downsizing for you, and you have certain expectations about what space you’d like to have.

      My parents live in a 5 br house, and it does amuse me a bit, since there are at least three fully furnished, but unused rooms.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I’m not technically downsizing (or not on purpose exactly). I’m going from 3 people (used to be 4) in a 3000 sq. ft. house to just me. So, really, 1500 sq. ft would probably be just fine–and after a while it would be. But since I’m still in the 3000 sq. ft. house everything else seems small by comparison at this point. I just don’t know if I would end up regretting such a large house or not. I go to all the open houses I can. I know that 1400 sq. ft. felt claustrophobic, but would it after 3 months? I just don’t know.

        1. fposte*

          I grew up in a bigger house than I have now (@1700 sq ft, which doesn’t count the basement–not allowed to here unless it’s completely finished or something). I definitely couldn’t wrap my head around smaller houses than this when I was looking.

          And now that I’ve lived here for a while, I see the merits of a smaller house even than this. I don’t do my own cleaning and it’s still a PITA, and you could lop off about 600 square feet and only help me. Now there’s still something to be said about the kind of neighborhood you find different kinds of houses in, and actual layout of a kitchen and for that matter a house can be cramped no matter how much square feet are involved. But IMHO the too big/too small thing should really be based in use and not just comparison.

        2. Thursday Next*

          That’s a lot of change—in the makeup of the household as well as the size of the house. Perhaps that’s part of what’s making it difficult to settle on an answer right now?

          When I look at real estate online and IRL, I look for a floor plan, and really try to imagine how and where my stuff would fit, and picture myself in each room. Maybe you’ve done this already; it’s an interesting exercise/daydreaming activity. Really picture your day in the house, moving from room to room. Are there rooms you don’t go into? Rooms you tend to stay in? Is your ideal separate, single-purpose spaces, or do you prefer to have one or two large, multipurpose areas?

          FWIW, I never minded a galley kitchen when it was just me. Multiple people trying to get stuff done in the area is too much, though.

          Good luck in the search!

        3. Doc in a Box*

          I think it really depends on how the floor plan is laid out. I currently live alone in an 800 square foot apartment, but it’s very efficiently designed so it doesn’t seem cramped (except I wish there was a larger vanity in the bathroom). I definitely saw apartments that were the same size or bigger on paper, but had odd features like triangular kitchen/breakfast bar, or long narrow entrances, so the actual living space seemed much much smaller.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Are you in the US? Because I thought Americans liked bigger houses. That house sounds perfect and even a little small if 1100 sq ft is the main living space. Maybe the floor plan makes it feel spacious. You don’t have to use the finished basement as living space. The galley kitchen in my old house was the most efficient kitchen I’ve ever had. I’d go for it!

      1. Cruciatus*

        I am in the U.S. I guess we do like big houses, but I’m trying to not be greedy (not quite the right word) about it! It does feel ridiculous that I like the space of so much house. And as I wrote above, a smaller house would feel tight at first–but would it remain that way? Would I get used to it?

        I have emailed my realtor with my thoughts to see if she has some perspective to add. We shall see. I’m pretty sure the family of 6 was just going through it one more time for thoroughness and were about to put in an offer. “This will be Mikey’s room and this will be our room”. Was so awkward as I’m standing in those rooms while they say it.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The existing stuff always expands to fill the available space.
      Most of my rooms here are a decent size, but you can’t really tell because of all. the. furniture.

      OTH, people go with what they are used to and shifting can be very strange for them. My husband grew up in a large, older home with lots of rooms and high ceilings. When we came here he gravitated toward furniture that fit the house he grew up in and was most familiar with. We had to actually measure everything for him to get a sense of proportion.

      Sometimes I think the size of one’s house needs to fit their life style and needs to match their way of envisioning their lives playing out. I think that if you focus on how you will use the house you might gain more ground quicker. In other words, go all practical instead of dwelling on the idea that you need space. Get specific with yourself. Ask yourself how you will use the space when you walk through the house. For example, I have a dining room here that I did use for years, now not so much. BUT. I have this very large table. The large table has become my work space when I sew or sort papers. I still use the dining room but not so much for dining. My guest room is also a storage area since I have no attic or basement. Each room has at least two purposes. The other practical consideration is to look at the space and say, “How will I take care of all this?” Houses are black holes that we throw money into. Will you get back (in any form) what you put into the place? I have a modest house. I have put A LOT of money into it and I have more to do. My ROI is in my comfort here, the ease of use and ease of caring for it. We can’t put a dollar value on these things, it’s a sense of being well matched to the property.

      Which brings me to my punchline. If you are looking at the house meant for you these caution flags will be less likely to pop up. You won’t care about your need for space because your primary thought will be, “This house was meant for me.” Looking at all these houses will work into something meaningful later on. Once you pick a place and settle in you will have that contentment of knowing that you searched well and you really thought about what you are doing. I got exhausted by the process of looking at house after house. Once we came here, I realized we had found the best house for us in our price range that was available at that time. Peace of mind.

  100. Family dynamics*

    We are traveling to a family event out of state and for I think the first time ever are staying in a hotel instead of at my parents’ house. I told them this when I was visiting earlier this year, but apparently they’d forgotten (?) and were disappointed when my sibling (also not staying there) reminded them during a recent conversation. I’m sorry that they are upset, but we’re quite looking forward to actually getting some decent sleep on a proper bed after years of holidays spent dozing on the Futon of Discomfort with our feet dangling over the edge. Especially since I’ll be coming home afterward and leaving the next morning for a week-long, busy, stressful work trip.

    I will not feel guilty, I will not feel guilty, I will not feel guilty. So there. (Sigh.)

    1. Thursday Next*

      Don’t feel guilty! You will have the strength to resist guilt, because you will be well-rested from sleeping in a comfortable bed.

  101. Anon for this because diplomacy*

    “the Futon of Discomfort”

    This reminds me of the time when Spouse and I stayed overnight on Relatives’ living room sleeper sofa. By 2 a.m. the unseen but definitely not un-felt iron bar beneath the mattress had forced both of us onto the floor. We hoped to wake up early to hide the evidence, but instead our hosts found us still asleep, bedded down on top of the couch cushions. Minor embarrassment was mostly dispelled when Spouse nicknamed the sofa “Torquemada.”

  102. Anonymous Ampersand*

    Too late? Maybe. I’ll post anyway.

    I had a conversation a few weeks ago with Small Child, who I really should now rename Medium Child. Short version: he knows that Z (letter picked because I call my ex Y on here) is his dad’s girlfriend, he now knows I know, and I know he knows. So that was a relief to get it out in the open.

    For those who remember Z staying over with Y when SC was there, he now claims there was a reason for it. I’m massively suspicious about it (largely because he never told me Reason for weeks). But hey.

    Y seems to think we’re friends now. I don’t think that will ever happen.

    I don’t think right now I’ll ever want another relationship and yet I am so frigging hurt and jealous that he’s now got a gf and MC has a kinda stepsibling.

    I guess I’ve still got quite a way to go.

    But hey at least the divorce is going smoothly and I’m back home.

    1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      I’m still here!

      Ouch, that really sucks. I’m so sorry to hear. I wish I had something helpful to say. I think you’re being so strong even if you don’t feel like you are. And it’s okay to feel hurt and jealous. Y does not treat you well. Trust that he sucks and keep yourself safe emotionally, don’t be lulled into thinking he’s not that bad (doesn’t seem like you will be, just throwing that out there). And at least it’s in the open now.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m glad the divorce is going smoothly.

      Just remind yourself that you left Y for a lot of (good) reasons and there is nothing to be jealous of. Z has to deal with all that crap that you wanted to get away from.

    3. Red*

      It’s never too late! I don’t post much on here outside of the running and mental health threads but I do enjoy reading others’ posts.

    4. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Thank you everyone.

      It just sucks that I am the one who wanted more than one kid, and now when MC is with Y I’m on my own but when MC is with me Y has Z and Z’s child as well as his best friend and best friend’s kid.

      Hey ho. It’s true though I am glad to be free of the manipulation and the lies. I mean, he’s still trying to pull me into no end of drama, but I’m mostly spotting it at least. And I wish I didn’t know that he’s probably treating Z like crap…. or will be soon :-(

      Onwards and upwards. Things are getting better even if it’s hard to see sometimes.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      You may have a long way to go but you have come such a long way already. I have to assume you will continue growing because that has been your pattern right along. There are some things that only time can fix and in some ways we need that time. Suppose tomorrow we woke up and all the wrongs in our lives where fixed. We’d probably be in shock maybe to the point of need counseling, how did all that move so fast? What do I do with my massive amounts of mixed emotions? ugh.

      I can’t see the particulars of your setting, but I can see that you are routinely making good choices. Continue going carefully and deliberately, you are indeed building a better future for yourself even though that may not be apparent right now. As things fall together more and more, the jealousy and hurt will shift because you have a more established and anchored life for yourself. You will start liking parts of your new life better, this will help.

  103. Nervous Accountant*

    I went out again today, alone this time. Forced myself to do some self care, face masks and all. bought a new book (Lisa Scottoline). I spent a lot of time exploring my feelings, wondering if it’s depression or something else. Feeling like crap bc I’ve been stress-eating all weekend, including sweets, and not checking my sugar. Just feeling sad. really missing my dad.

    Before I wrote my last venting post, I mentioned in my friend group chat that I was frustrated, didn’t go in to detail.

    Not a single person responded, after a few hrs of silence, just a lot of talking about their own stuff. Not a single response to me. I don’t think its intentional but damn it stings. These are the same people posting or liking the pretty quotes on social media about “check in on your loved ones/never know whats going on with others”…meanwhile I’m trying to open up to my friends and….nothing. That really hurt.

    1. Nervous Accountant*

      I mean granted…..I’m not suicidal, I don’t have suicidal thoughts and I’m not inclined to it. And I know everyone suffers in their own way. But is it unfair for me to think, well none of my friends have gone through what I’ve gone through? I don’t wish it on them of course. I just wish someone would have responded.
      I have other friends who went through the same but I don’t want to bring anything up to them for fear of triggering sadness for their own loss.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m sorry no one responded! I remember I used to be part of a book club, none of us were close, but I thought we all got along well and were friendly. When I was moving away I sent out a group email saying goodbye and how much I had enjoyed the book club and no one replied back. And like I said, we weren’t great friends, but it still didn’t feel good.

      But also, a post of “I’m frustrated” isn’t really opening up. I know they all know your dad died and it may feel like you’ve given them enough of an opening to respond but people are pretty clueless and self-absorbed and if you want sympathy you need be a little more open in asking for it. I’m also not entirely sure your other friends wouldn’t be open to hearing how you’re struggling. Maybe ask them how they’d feel about it. Sure it may make them sad but you could also end up remembering happy things about your respective lost persons and that could be nice. Lots of people are afraid of making a grieving person sad but it just ends up isolating that person because no one knows what else to say. That could be going on in your friend group as well. You say you’re frustrated, they assume it’s your dad and comfort you, but really it’s that the Bureaucrat lost your paperwork again, but now they’ve made you sad because they reminded you your dad is dead and they feel bad.

      I’m sorry for your loss of your dad and your struggles with your mom. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Although from what I see, I’d say it’s classic grieving and not depression and you might benefit from not trying to categorize your feelings so much. If you’re that worried you could put a note in your calendar to check-in every couple months or so. Hang in there! You’ll get through this!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My friend is a fire fighter and has been for decades. It’s his observation that people who abstain from alcohol, tobacco, sugar and caffeine make out better in a crisis than people who don’t. The fire fighters who controlled their habits had sharper and quicker responses.

      From my own life I see that sugar and junk food exasperate grief. They make the grief harder not easier. The hardest loss I have ever faced in life was losing my father. My health fell apart. I think that is because of the long hours I worked on his behalf PLUS his passing. Then I ate a ton of candy every day. It was the only nice thing that happened to me each day was all that candy. Whoa. Wait. I said to myself, “I am in charge of my life. I need to build nice things into my day/week that don’t involve food and do involve building a better tomorrow.”

      You have a lot going on in your life, this too will exasperate grief. The goings-on tend to slow the grieving process and somehow make it even larger.

      I am sorry your friends did not respond to you. When my mother got sick and died I lost friends. I was in my early 20s. They could not relate to my stuff and perhaps they were even frightened by what they saw going on with my life and family. People have a thousand reasons for not responding. We don’t get to pick who helps us. And the people who SHOULD help us usually don’t. I am not clear on why that happens. They have their own grief? They don’t know what to say? Not sure.

      In reading about loss and grief, I saw it’s pretty well noted that loss causes shifts in relationships among the survivors. It’s to be expected that some people go non-responsive and some even leave our lives. Not saying this to be cold, but rather, “Yeah! This happens to a lot of folks. They are grieving and their friends/family just plain vanish.” It so sucks because that only adds to our sense of loss.

      Pick people to talk to in person. Don’t rely on social media. AAM is a rarity that people actually listen to others and take them seriously. This is not the norm. It’s my belief that people who are acquaintances and casual friends are of more help than our closest peeps. Watch for people who offer to help, and with forethought and purpose chose to say yes to some of these folks. Let them give you even small helps here and there.

      You know, it’s okay to be alone with our thoughts and take quiet time. But it’s not okay to force ourselves to walk alone with the going is tough. Pick people wisely and keep looking for these good people to pop up. I don’t know why good people pop up in times of crisis but they do. We don’t get to pick them, they pick us. We have to notice them and respond to them.

    4. LilySparrow*

      From my experiences of grief, yes depressed feelings/behaviors are part of it. But I think it’s different from depression in that there is a really specific cause.
      I also remember feeling really frustrated when I wasn’t coping like I thought I “should,” and when the feelings stayed longer than I thought they should.

      You do not have to grieve “correctly.” You do not have to “hang in there” and tough it out. It’s okay to fall apart, or acknowledge that you are falling apart or feel out of control. Grief is an ugly tunnel, but you will still be you on the other side.

      One mantra that helped me was “be kind to yourself.” I didn’t always remember it, but when I did, it helped both to quiet the frustration and “shoulding” and to encourage me in making good choices to take care of myself physically.

      I’m sorry your friends weren’t responsive, and I agree that they probably didn’t understand how deeply you were struggling. They may have thought you were frustrated over some simple day to day thing.

      I hope things get better for you quickly.

Comments are closed.