weekend free-for-all – July 14-15, 2018

by Alison Green on July 14, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Less, by Andrew Sean Greer. Desperate to be away when his ex-boyfriend gets married (and not thrilled about his impending 50th birthday), a novelist decides to accept every invitation to out-of-town literary events that come his way. Beautifully written, smart, and funny.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Unbelievable*

    I will take any prayers or happy thoughts. I haven’t been able to work because I’m taking care of my dad who has dementia and cancer, he needs full time care. I am only child, no one else to take care of him. Because of no income we might lose our home and kid’s college tuition is in jeopardy. Ran through emergency savings. Kid is home from college, realized all four tires are bad, need replacing tomorrow. And we just discovered a water bubble on our ceiling. Based on measurements it’s our toilet. We will be calling our homeowners insurance in the morning. Can’t bring myself to see what are deductible is. I’m afraid to even think what else can happen. Tomorrow I’m going to dance like no one is looking, that always helps! – I hope things are better for you in your part of the world!

    1. No Tribble At All*

      :C hope the insurance covers the whole thing, the tires are on discount, your kid gets a full ride, and your dad has better days. That’s a lot to deal with!! Hugs and best wishes <3

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you! The area around the water bubble on the ceiling is rather weak so it appears the moisture has spread. Let’s hope it’s not a bigger isssue than it looks. – Found a no name brand with good reviews at half the price of the current bad ones. And my dad is having good results so the treatment is working. It’s the dementia that’s the issue :-(

    2. ScountFinch*

      I am so sorry. What challenges you are facing! When things got bad, my mom used to say “Well, they can’t cut us up & eat us!” – which I didn’t really understand, but it made me giggle.

      Don’t know if you are in the US, but if you are & haven’t done so already, you may want to check out the caregiver section of cancer dot org . There may be some ideas there that may help you.

      Sending good juju your way. Hoping you have little victories every day.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you! I will take small victories. I reached out to a local Alzheimers support group, they called back a few days ago. Now that it’s the weekend my husband will be able to watch him so I can get away to return the call. I’m also getting a book called “36 Hours” that was recommended for dementia caregivers. It comes today.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Please call someone to help with your dad, is there an Office of the Aging in your county? What about Hospice? Does his doc have any recommendations? This is impossible to do alone, I know, I am that only child also. Even with not working there are still not enough hours in the day. And yeah this is how it goes. It so sucks. I am so very sorry.

      If you have an active church near you then they may have a group of people who help out in situations like this. They might have someone who would come help with the toilet, if your insurance does not agree to pay.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you! I’ve applied for state services for my dad to help with caregiving but was told it could take a few months before a Case Manager visits to determine what kind of benefits he qualifies for. Hopefully it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course it’s just getting there financially that’s the struggle.

        1. WellRed*

          Can you qualify for some sort of caregiver payment in the meantime? It varies by state.

          1. Unbelievable*

            Thank you, unfortunately in our state there are no temp benefits. You need to apply and go through the whole qualification process and wait your turn like we are doing.

    4. Thlayli*

      I’ve said a prayer for you all. I second the idea to look for help. I’m assuming you’re in the US. I know there’s not much of a social welfare system but it’s not entirely non-existent. Research it as much as you can. Your dad might be entitled to some sort of disability or sickness payment. You might be entitled to some sort of payment for being a full time carer of an ill relative. You should be entitled to food stamps if you have absolutely no income. Your kid might be entitled to some help with tuition now that you are a low-income family. Find out everything you are entitled to and apply for it. Also contact your church and / or other relevant charities who could help.

      Consider things like taking in a lodger, selling anything you can sell etc. If your kid is home for the whole summer then you can probably take turns with the elder care and work. If you could earn enough to pay a carer you could go back to work. There are a few options – look into them all.

      Good luck.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you for the prayer! We are waiting to hear from the state in regards to what he qualifies for but it might take a few months. We did appeal the FA department and they gave some aid but we still have a 5K balance. My husband works, just not enough to fully support us, so we don’t qualify for any need based help. Our college kid has two PT jobs and going to local Summer school so she is unable to help with caregiving. We only have a three bedroom, the kids are sharing one room as it is once my dad moved in, so no room for a lodger. I have been selling things on local FB sites but of course it doesn’t take the place of my salary. But it does help.

        2. Cat Herder*

          Have your daughter contact the financial aid office to explain that your financial situation had changed drastically. They may be able to refigure her aid, and many schools have emergency funds. Also many schools have food pantries…. She should talk with her advisor and with her instructors, who may be able to help her get her books cheap or free. Our program always has extras to give to students in need, and when I was teaching full time I used to get a desk copy of the textbooks every year, even if I was using the same books as previous years, just so I had some to give away.
          For sure this fall get that Fafsa in and next year will be better for her financially.
          Possibly she can go to the community college for a year and then return to her four year school once the financial aid improves?? She needs to make sure this would work, but worth looking into.

          1. unbelivable*

            Thank you! Yes, they adjust FAFSA to give us more aid, but we still have a balance. – That is a great idea about the books, I will have her contact her professors and see if they have extra copies lying around. – This is her Jr. year and her schedule is all upper division classes, so CC will not help, but thank you for the suggestion.

          2. unbelievable*

            and I am signing in from a different computer and just realize there is a typo in my name lol

    5. Minta*

      I’m sorry about your dad and all of the problems that are stacking up. It sounds frustrating and scary.

      Others have suggested some good ideas so far, and I’m positive you’ll receive more. Does your city or town have a crisis assistance Organization? If so, maybe it could connect you with helpful resources or assist you in paying some, say, utility bills, which might allow you to dedicate that money to something else at a particular time.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you, good idea. I will research later today to see if there is any country resources. I did go to the individual utilities but since my dad only lives with us half the month (remember we stay at his place the other half), I was told we don’t qualify.

    6. TL -*

      Your kid should talk to the university and to their department if they’ve declared a major. Most universities have emergency money and options if finances change and the department might have scholarship money separate from the financial aid office. And there will definitely be a deferment option if it comes to that, but your kid will have to talk to people in order to get things organized.

      Best of luck and I’m so sorry to hear this. :( Is your dad on/eligible for Medicare? There’s generally some care options available from that, if I remember correctly. Professional help will be hugely beneficial if you can get it, both for you and your dad.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you! He does have a Medicare based HMO. We met with the HMO’s social worker and she said they have no caregiving benefits, that we need to apply for state services which we already have. And we did appeal to FA and the gave us additional aid, but we still have a balance. I’ve also explained the situation to our mortgage company. They gave us a form to fill out, we are waiting to hear if we can get temporary relief.

        1. Artemesia*

          Would medicaid cover nursing home care for him? It should be based on his wealth and resources and not yours.

          1. Thursday Next*

            So this is my question as well. Medicaid might cover more than Medicare. He might have to do a spenddown—tax-free generation-skipping gifts might be an option. Is there someone an an office of aging or a nursing home social worker who could talk you through this process?

            You may also find local Facebook or Google groups for children of aging parents, who will be able to give you this information as well as other resources.

            Sending you good thoughts and prayers.

            1. Unbelievable*

              I called a local elder care law office I was referred to and left a message yesterday, as they closed early I guess. I will try again on Monday. The social worker I met with before seemed to think MediCal (in CA) is our only option for getting help with care.

            3. unbelievable*

              heard from the law firm, they only help with Medicare, not MediCal, application and question help. And I have to pay full for help with guardianship.

      2. Amadeo*

        Agreed with talking to financial services. Lots of departments have their own endowed scholarships that someone has left them, or gives them yearly for certain degrees and there can be several. They may ‘only’ be $500-$1000, but applying for several of them, and every year if possible adds up quickly! There are also usually institution-specific scholarships, in addition to the state scholarships/aid. The university I work at has just revamped their own system. 70% of our students next year will get *something*, but it has to be applied for.

        Has your student also filled out the FAFSA? If they haven’t, they need to and quickly. If they have, they should also go to the Financial Services office to find out how to qualify for the need-based grants you get for meeting specific criteria. If you have NO income, maybe SFS can walk them through filling out the form for that.

        1. Unbelievable*

          Thank you! Yes, they adjusted our FAFSA down so we could get state grants. Grateful but we still have a balance.

    7. Long Time Fed*

      Toilet leaks are often due to a bad seal and can be repaired cheaply yourself. I’d take a look before calling your insurance company.

      I’m sorry you’re going through so much.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you! My husband was thinking the same (he’s pretty handy) but we are concerned about the ceiling area that appears weak. Even if he stops the leak there is still water damage. Since my dad is immune compromised and we all have allergies we can’t risk it getting moldy.

        1. misspiggy*

          Where I am we can hire a dehumidifier for not much money – perhaps worth a try to minimize damage?

        2. Gatomon*

          You can pop and drain the water bubble (no point in letting it sit there, right?) and then cut out any damaged sections of drywall and let the area ventilate until the leak is fixed. It will be fine as long as it dries out. You would need some serious water damage to compromise the floor joists.

          2. unbelievable*

            our plumber friend agrees with you and said said we caught it in time to not be a major issue, thank goodness.

    9. MamaCat*

      We had to sell my mom’s home to get enough money to get her into a memory care facility; that has helped tide us over while we get all our ducks in a row with social security (she was too young when she was diagnosed), retirement, and everything. Fingers crossed for you!

      1. Unbelievable*

        The selling of the home is a whole other issue. It a small property (1,300 sq feet home) that has been in the family almost a century. My dad and all of his siblings weee born there. It’s where we have a very crowded family reunion yearly. My dad wants to die there and can not fanthom selling it. I know my remaining aunts and uncle understand if it needs to get sold. It’s my dad that is firmly against it, kind of like “it will be sold over my dead body”. I understand where he is coming from. He has been retired for almost 25 years and really put in a lot in landscaping, etc to make it his “castle”. I love his little home too but if he has to move in with us (if the state help isn’t enough to safely take care of him) we would have to sell it to add on to our little home so he has a ground floor bedroom. And I think selling his home would affect his health more than the cancer. :-(

        1. MamaCat*

          Is there someone in the family (or family friend) who can rent it? You can put it forth as “helping someone out,” which is what we had to do with my mom’s car. Be super careful with renting, though; my aunt had to deal with some major issues when she let some friends stay in my grandparents house. Or you could move to your dad’s house and rent/sell yours. Either way, you have major assets going for you.

          1. Temperance*

            I definitely do not recommend selling the family home. Caregiving shouldn’t destroy someone’s financial future.

            1. MamaCat*

              Then she should get it taken out of his name; at least in our case, we were required to go through a percentage of my mom’s assets before we could get some of the aid we needed. And sometimes you have to sell to get through.

              1. Temperance*

                Oh, I meant that OP shouldn’t sell her own house, because it will ruin her own life.

                The only way to keep a house in the family is to transfer assets years before any care is needed. My great-grandmother had the foresight to title her house to my great-uncle years before she needed care, and he thankfully still has their home.

          2. Unbelievable*

            My dad has a reverse mortgage on his home. He can not rent it because of that. It has to be owner occupied.

          3. Unbelievable*

            And we live over 100 miles away so selling our home and moving to his home is not doable due to hubbys work and kids schools

        2. Green Kangaroo*

          I work in a related field so I have some thoughts on the funding piece of this. I would determine very soon what the long-term plan looks like. While your dad will likely qualify for some assistance, it may likely not cover round-the-clock supervision or nursing care. Even if it does, these positions are extremely hard to fill and there is a lot of turnover in the field. You could be training a new staff on your dad’s needs every few weeks. If he does move into your home, how will you provide for his care? Even if he is stable health-wise, the heartbreak of dementia is that individuals can become extremely unpredictable…they may become non-compliant with medications, combative, or at risk for wandering away or starting fires, just as some examples I have seen. If there are no other health complications, adults with Alzheimer’s disease live, on average, eight years post-diagnosis. I am not trying to discourage or frighten you, but I have seen so many families trying to get things sorted out day-by-day, until it all falls apart at once. Even if finding a residential placement for your father is something you’re all set against right now, I recommend at least looking into it in the event the situation presents itself where you can’t care for your father as a family anymore. Good luck, I’m keeping good thoughts for you.

          1. Unbelievable*

            Thank you for the warnings. If I could have my way I would sell his home ASAP, build a room for him and take care of him as long as we can. His dad and sister have died from ALZ, his other brother and sister are affected by it now, both about 7 years now? The ones that died survived for about 10 years with it. My aunt that died had to move into a home the last 3 years. She was non communicative and needed tube feeding. Seeing what my family has gone through, I know what I’m getting us into. I want to take care of him as long as we can.

    10. Unbelievable*

      Thanks all for your recommendations and support. Sorry I didn’t go into more detail earlier about what I’ve tried so far, I was just awake way past bedtime needing to vent. It was too late to text my friends for support with the latest issues (the tires and water leak) :-) – I do see a therapist, you know it’s bad when even she admits there is nothing left to try and she can only say “take care of yourself”. I have friends that have offered to sit with my dad, but he thinks he has no issues and doesn’t like being treated like a “baby” and needs “watching” (he constantly voices his disapproval that he needs me or our family 24/7 and I don’t want to put any of my friends through dealing with that). Tomorrow my friend is taking me to dinner where they have live music, so looking forward to that! I’m grateful my hubby and oldest are all in and so what they can to support me with relief when they are able.

      1. MamaCat*

        It’s all about how you spin it. You have some friends who need company during the day, and would your dad be cool with helping you out? Or is there anything he can “help” a one of those friends with, like gardening or something? Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t end up doing much, as long as he feels helpful.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Or your friend wants to watch X movie (at home or in a theater) and wants someone to watch with them so they’ll have someone to talk about it with.

          Or your friend needs your dad’s opinion on a lasagna they just made.

          Or your friend wants company for a shopping trip to the hardware store/nursery/supermarket.

          Etc. Spin it as your dad helping your friend in some way.

        3. TardyTardis*

          Or you have friends who desperately want to play cards and need someone. I have a son with mental issues, and he was too old for a babysitter, so a friend of mine came over to play video games with him, on the grounds that we had a better set of games than she did, on New Year’s Eve, so we could go out for once. Have the friend come over, start the cards, and then say, ‘hey gotta run to the store, be back in just a bit!’. I know someone who was her husband’s caretaker and came down to the library once every couple of weeks–the only time she could get away–and we were all relieved when she finally outlived him, because the betting was the other way.

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m so sorry! Sending happy thoughts and my hope that this all works out soon!

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you! My friends Plumber husband came and fixed it for free. We will pay that forward as soon as we can (hubby will take care of the ceiling). Heard from the mortgage reduction program we applied for, they approved it but our mortgage lender would not accept the grant because “we weren’t behind at all” with our payments (this will soon change sadly). And I’m at at the tire place now. Had to get a 6 months no interest CC to pay for it. Usually don’t do CC’s but sometimes you got to do what you got to do to get by. And last but not least this morning my therapist made me realize that I need to take care of myself and give myself a break. And see a dr and get a physical this week (I’m going to do this). So I’m not going to take my dad home this week. He will be mad about this, especially re: his plants that might die, but my therapist said “better dead plants than a sick you”. I’m feeling better although we still have major problems . Why is it things seem worse at night?

        1. Minocho*

          I think it’s because there’s less to distract us from our unsolved problems. It’s when I’m trying to sleep, and I don’t have anything to distract myself with (even if it’s pointless)…so my brain does that stupid thing where it whirs at super sonic speeds, like a hamster on speed on a hamster wheel.

          I’m glad to hear the toilet is handled and the tires are replaced! Small victories, but victories nonetheless! It sounds like, as hard as things are, you have a wonderful and supportive family. I hope things turn up for you soon!

          1. unbelievable*

            yes, small victories are great. I am so grateful for my family and friends, we hold each other up.

    12. Temperance*

      Is your father on Medicaid in addition to Medicare? Is he already in your home?

      If he’s *not* already in your home, you can get more urgent assistance dealing with his needs. The system will push you to take him in/take care of him, but there are resources for elders who don’t have anyone who can provide care.

      I’m thinking of you. This sounds like a really terrible situation.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you, his application for MediCal is in process. We split the month between his home (cancer dr visits and related) and my home. He is with me or my immediate family 24/7.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Hugs & prayers!

      If you haven’t tried calling the United Way at 2-1-1 yet, they can recommend local community/non-profit groups that may be able to help with crisis assistance, respite care, or other practical ways.

    14. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Just want to send an internet hug. I’m mercifully able to work from home 100% of the time right now (husband dying of stage 4 liver cancer – metastasized from elsewhere and probably lots of other places). Not quite the double whammy you have, of the dementia, but my heart goes out to you.
      No good suggestions (I’ve read the threads and there are many sound resources mentioned). Just wanted to let you know that you can spin it – come play checkers Dad, and while you do that with I’m going to the store….
      And yes, we’ve been selling lots that isn’t nailed down. Do what you have to do. Also, do the advanced directive and make sure family members have copies (so they know exactly what will – and won’t- be done). I keep a copy on the frig, in my purse, and on file at every medical facility in the radius. Just was reading ‘how doctors die’ and it is true – we are choosing a simple path. Get his wishes down and shared so you can honor them.
      Hug!

      1. Unbelievable*

        I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I carry my Durable Power of Attorney and Medical POA with me at all times. His geriatric dr, oncologist and his hospitals all have copies. My dad is divorced and I am the only child so I don’t have to worry about others (but also don’t have that support from others :-( )

    15. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I don’t know where you are, but definitely reach out to local organizations for assistance. Do NOT be ashamed to use food pantries and other non-profits to help you get by. It is hard to ask for help, but everyone needs it sometimes.

      I would definitely suggest contacting 2-1-1. Also, if you’re willing to share your general area, I am sure people might be able to provide more specific resources to where you are. If not, just search “assistance in *mycity*”. That should give you a good start!

      1. unbelievable*

        thank you for the suggestions. I’ve reached out to so many programs I can’t count. Many we don’t qualify for because my husband has a job so we don’t fall into the income guidelines.

    18. Gaia*

      I don’t know if it has been recommended already, but have you looked into financial assistance for your child’s tuition? There are a lot of grants, scholarships and, as a last resort, loans that can help tide over until things are better. The college should have a Financial Aid office, if your kid (and you if your child is legally “dependent” for financial aid) explain the situation and fill out some paperwork there may be help available. If not, there may be payment plans available.

      1. unbelievable*

        Our only option is Parent Plus loan, which I don’t mind doing, but if we don’t get a payment deferment I don’t know what would happen. We can not afford another monthly payment now unfortunately, we can’t meet our obligations we already have. I have an email with these questions to the school’s FA office.

    19. Saskia*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a suggestion for another book which my family found invaluable when my grandmother developed dementia. Although you don’t have much spare time, maybe other family members might read this and pass on the key ideas to you?

      Contented Dementia by Oliver James.
      You may find the website for Contented Dementia Trust has some useful information too, even though it’s based in the UK.

      1. unbelievable*

        thank you for the book suggestion, I will look into it after I “finish” the 36 hour book. If it’s a small book I will see if a friend can read it for me (my immediate family is swamped)

    20. Unbelievable*

      I’m missing comments so if this pop up and this is a repeat please forgive. I have to sign off in a minute but just wanted to say I’m overwhelmed by the support given here. What a great community! – the ceiling is fixed by a friend (I hope to pay that forward soon), got tires (had to apply for a CC, not CC person but you do what you have to do) amfhad a good therapy session today. I will finish answering replies tonight. I just have to say that I am a PM by trade and my friends say I’m the most resourceful person they know and I have managed large teams, but this is by far the hardest “project” I’ve worked on!

    21. Belle di Vedremo*

      Wow, this is a huge undertaking and I am impressed at all you are managing.
      Glad to hear that your ceiling is taken care of, and that you were able to get tires for immediate transportation safety. Glad you heard your therapist’s admonition to take care of yourself, too.
      Hugs to you and yours as you take this journey. May the resources come together in ways that give you the best long term support.

      1. unbelievable*

        Yes, I made a dr. appointment for tomorrow. And I will take the hugs! Just got feedback from my inquiries, looks like more major roadblocks. But today I am going to keep on truckin’! Thank you!

  2. No Tribble At All*

    Is it socially acceptable to take a nap in a public library? Landlord arranged for some fairly intense maintenance work to be done in our apartment next week on a day I’ll come home from night shift. They’ll be in every room, so I won’t be able to sleep. My plan is to loiter at the library until I get the all-clear. (Good news is I have 3 days off & go back to day shift then, so I won’t be messed up for the next shifts).

    1. Buu*

      Depends on the library? You could also look for a youth hostel in the area. You’d have to pay a few $ ( but often not that much) and you’d have a bed. But I guess there would be less reason for other customers to keep quiet.

    2. Thlayli*

      Can you get your landlord to reschedule or to pay for a hotel? He should have arranged it with you not just landed it on you when you’d already got your schedule planned.

      I suspect you would be kicked out of any library around here if you fell asleep in it.

      1. No Tribble At All*

        I live in an apartment complex, so it cracked me up thinking I could ask them to reschedule. They’re doing it building-by-building, so I have no say in the matter.

        1. TL -*

          Depending on where you live, you might actually have standing to ask him to pay for a hotel. That being said, it might be more trouble than it’s worth.
          Hostels are generally pretty quiet during the day, or your friends might not mind letting you crash. I know I would be okay changing my sheets for a friend, even one that I wasn’t super besties with.

        2. No Tribble At All*

          I can usually stay up til about 2 pm or 3pm when I get off a night shift, so I’m hoping I can keep myself awake reading in the library. But if I haaaaaaappened to fall alseep

          1. Minta*

            People fall asleep in the library all the time. I think you might be able to get at least a little shut-eye if you–like you alluded to–fall asleep accidentally (and look like it was accidental) and don’t look as if you planned it.

            Of course, library personnel aren’t going to allow someone to traipse in with a pillow and blanket. If you’re in a somewhat inconspicuous location, got an open book on your lap, and you happen to be out like a light, they may let it slide for a while.

            I worked 3rd for a while. The sleepiness the next day was intense. It was like a deep hunger.

          2. TardyTardis*

            When I worked at the library, we never bothered people who snoozed–we had three rules for homeless people, ‘don’t smell, don’t bug people, and don’t sit near the kids’ section’. Pick something like the Wall Street Journal to snooze over, hardly anyone manages to make it through that one awake anyway.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Depends on the library, at mine we will wake you up and ask you to leave if you keep sleeping. We had a patron almost die when we thought he was sleeping so we wake everyone!

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        This would be my concern as a patron if I saw someone sleeping in the library. It wouldn’t bother me if someone was napping, but I’d worry that they were having a medical emergency (like an opoid overdose) and would inform staff about it so they could check on the person.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Weirdly, this is the one rule my library system strictly enforces. Our peace officers will let patrons have loud cell phone conversations in the readinv rooms, curse at other patrons, eat full meals at the tables…but you can’t fall asleep. Ever. Hopefully your mileage will vary.

    5. SemiRetired*

      Weighing in for the librarians here to say no, you can’t sleep in the library. I’ve never seen a library that didn’t have ‘no sleeping” among its patron conduct rules. Otherwise the only people using the library would be sleeping homeless people. In the situation you describe, you would be one of them. I suggest a friend’s couch or get a hotel room. Or maybe you could sleep at your own workplace. (In case of people wondering other things along these lines, you can’t take a bath in our restrooms, and you can’t drop off your young child unsupervised for hours for us to watch, you can’t take off your shoes (or your shirt or pants)… in short, we’re happy you feel at home in the library but we prefer you to remain aware that you are not at home. (PS this is in regard to public libraries. I recall in college days there were areas you could get away with this in a big academic library, like in a private study carrell. A friend developed what he called the UGLi two-chair method for napping in the undergrad library and I think he always got away with it.)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Oddly, I have zero problem with patrons sleeping. At least they aren’t causing any trouble! But I totally hear you.

        1. BunnyWatsonToo*

          We’d let you sleep in my library, too, unless you’re stretched out on the floor somewhere. A little nap in a chair doesn’t bother us.

      2. OhNo*

        Yeah, every public library system I’ve ever known has had rules against sleeping in the library. How well they’re enforced seems to depend on the size of the homeless population in the area, honestly – the downtown library here is absolutely rigid about that rule, but the suburban locations are more lax.

        If there’s a college close by, though, their libraries tend to be more lax about people napping. If you think you’d be able to pass as a student, you might give that a try.

      3. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

        This is somewhat off topic, but what’s the reason for the shoe thing? All the other things you mentioned make sense because they may cause some kind of harm/problem to someone else, but if someone chooses to walk without shoes in a place where other people wear shoes, I think the only harm comes to themself (as the floor can be dirty, wet, cold etc). But, it’s their feet and their socks so it’s their business. I don’t see any reason to ban it. (Of course it’s a different story if someone wears their wet and dirty outside shoes in a place where people generally take their shoes off!)

        1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

          It’s liability for us.

          If someone gets injured, we could get sued. And it doesn’t matter if they would win or not, because the legal fees would be expensive. So, we take the necessary precautions.

          Also, you never know if someone has an open wound, and then bleeds or gets body fluids on the floor/furniture, then it’s a bloodborne pathogen cleanup…etc.

      4. Sparrow*

        The academic medical center where I work frequently has students, staff, and sometimes homeless people sleeping in its library. They’ve got some big cushy armchairs that practically invite it. I think the staff have more sympathy for sleeping patrons than at other libraries because they know many are coming off of long shifts or night shifts at demanding jobs.

      5. Ginger ale for all*

        We let students sleep in our academic library. We are so dead right now that I think we might even turn a blind eye to the Marco Polo game in our stacks.

      6. CorruptedbyCoffee*

        This may differ from system to system. I work at a public library and patrons are allowed to sleep, as long as they dont snort. They are also allowed to remove shoes while sitting, as long as they dont smell. Basically, dont bother other people (and dont attempt to cook potatoes in our study rooms) and you’ll be good to go.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Depending on the weather where you live, you might be able to sleep outside in a park or something. On an old blanket or even in a tent.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Do you have a friend whose home you can sleep in? When I lived in NYC, I had a friend come by a couple of times so she could nap between appointments or meetings or whatever because my place was more convenient. I also wouldn’t think twice about letting a friend come in and hang out while I’m at work. That might be your best– and most comfortable– bet.

    8. Justme, The OG*

      Can you reserve a room at the library? When I was in college I would often nap in one of the study rooms.

    9. Denise*

      You’d probably have better luck in a college or university library—just slip into a little study carrel in the stacks somewhere. Students fall asleep in the library ALL THE TIME.

      1. Snazzy Hat*

        Heck, when I was a college student, sometimes I would take naps in the couched sections of the campus libraries.

    10. Chaordic One*

      When I was in a similar situation I ended up sleeping in my car parked in a quiet place with the windows rolled down. (It was in the summertime.) Now that I think about it, I’m not sure it was the safest thing to do.

    11. It’s all good*

      Not a librarian but noticed for the first time when I was at our local one yesterday they had security constantly walking around checking out what people where doing. Based on the bikes and carts outside the entrance there was homeless people inside. I didn’t notice any disruptions nor anyone sleeping. I hope you find somewhere safe to snooze.

    12. Temperance*

      The libraries near me have bans on sleeping because of the homeless issue near us. I wouldn’t do it.

    13. JKP*

      When I worked 3rd shift and my apt complex was doing construction, I talked to the manager and they were able to arrange for me to access the model apartment unit and sleep in the bed there (in a different building) until they finished with my building.

    15. Rachel B.*

      Our libraries do have a number of homeless persons who occupy seats there regularly. (USA, far south geographically.) I have never noticed any conflict, though I do notice that there is a courteous not-using-too-much-space on the side of the presumed homeless persons, and a correspondingly courteous non-harassment of the persons staying all day on the side of the librarians. Some of the patrons appear to be dozing, though I couldn’t say how restful the sleep is.

      The homeless, and other persons who aren’t in control of their home space (students?), really DO need a cool indoor place to be during the daylight high-heat hours. A/C is not a luxury here; people can and do die.

      I’d say, go for it. I wish you luck!

    16. LadyCop*

      I would say in a public library (vs say a student at their college library) no. And honestly, even if it is…that doesn’t mean they can’t/won’t ask you to not sleep there or leave.

      Not that anyone would assume you’re homeless or something…but I’d be lying if I said it never happened.

    17. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I think you might need a longer nap than you can get in the library, but I for one have had multiple naps in public and university libraries in three countries! Usually I put my head down on a table on top of my book/notebook, or else “accidentally” fall asleep in the comfy reading chairs.

      YMMV with your library, of course…

    18. MatKnifeNinja*

      My library has such a problem with the local homeless population, the minute the security guard sees you actively sleeping, you get woken up and told 1) wake up and do something or 2) leave.

      Depends on your library. I used to sleep in the study cubes in the university library and no one hassled me.

    19. Lilivati*

      I worked in a library for years. Many have a reading room or a magazine/newspaper room. Staff didn’t even go back there except at open and close, or if it was an incredibly slow day. And we wouldn’t have minded if we found someone sleeping. (That said, some libraries have a real “issue”- that is, perceived politically as an issue- with homeless using them for the same purpose, and may have stricter policies.)

    20. Belle di Vedremo*

      Sorry, but no. I’d ask the landlord to help with finding you an alternative for the day, or subsidizing a hotel room. Good luck. Hope that the maintenance work provides nice upgrades for you.

  3. Julia*

    Ugh, after walking on an intermittently painful ankle for a year, I finally went to see a doctor and am… not happy. The x-rays didn’t show anything, so he did a blood test and may order an MRI depending on the results.
    When I asked about the next appointment, a nurse who hadn’t even been in the room came to tell me that I needed to think about “living with the pain” and “stopping things that made it hurt” – like walking? How could she tell me to “live with the pain” if the doctor hadn’t even found out what it was or if it could be cured? And my husband just stood there and let her talk in that super condescending way (this is Japan, his home country)…

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! I asked her how she expected me to live my life, which caused quite a scene because Japanese clinics have zero privacy, but oh well, not my problem.

        1. Belle di Vedremo*

          Excellent question for the nurse, good for you. You *have* been living with the pain, so you’re ahead of her on multiple fronts. Hope you get better care from others.

          1. Julia*

            Thank you! I guess it made me pretty angry how condescending she was when, as you say, I *have* been living with the pain and came there because I didn’t want to do that anymore.

    2. Triplestep*

      Had you sprained it? Sprains take a lot longer to heal that many people realize; often people will re-sprain after putting weight on it too soon after the initial sprain, and then repeat the pattern. Could this have happened to you?

      I’m sorry the nurse was so obnoxious!

      1. Julia*

        I really don’t know, the pain started suddenly last year. I am prone to ankle injuries, but this time have no recollection of anything that could have hurt it.
        Thank you, though! I feel much better with everyone telling me that nurse was in the wrong.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I hate that. I’m rehabbing a hip flexor injury and I have no idea how it happened either. Could have been in a car accident in 2016? Could have been in yoga? It’s a mystery, but it sure hurts. It’s annoying when something just suddenly hurts.

    3. Alston*

      Do you have supportive shoes? I had intermittent ankle pain for years. Sprained an ankle badly. Doctor made me start wearing better shoes instead of cute flats. Holy cow. Who knew I needed arch support. My feet feel better, ankles too. I ended dup with some Reef Shoes and they changed my life.

      Hope you feel better!

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Hopefully, this is the kind of advice the doctor can give, once Julia gets past the obnoxious nurse.

        Hope you feel better soon!

        1. Julia*

          Thank you both! I do think my shoes may be a problem, but yeah, I’ll wait for a specialist to tell me how exactly to fix them. Maybe inlays could work, my mother has them.

          1. Bobbin Ufgood*

            supportive insoles can be a solution for many types of ankle pain. If your ankles roll in (pronate) there are even some over-the-counter ones you can try until you meet with the doctor. Best of luck! at least wear supportive shoes in the meantime!

            1. Bobbin Ufgood*

              mine roll the other way (out/ “under-pronate”) and now that I’m middle aged I have started having ankle/inside-my-foot pain and needed to get custom inserts (they don’t make over-the-counter ones if your feet roll out because that’s not as common). The inserts (and switching to Birkenstocks for supportive shoes from the unsupported flats I was wearing) along with adding in some ankle stretches essentially fixed my pain

          2. Minocho*

            I found buying clothes in Japan to be so difficult. I ended up having to wear men’s shoes, or ship things from the US.

    4. Queenie*

      That’s pretty messed up, and it’s even worse that it’s coming from a nurse. Nurses (and other health care professionals) are there to help you figure out what the problem is and fix it. It’s their job! Why on earth would she tell you to just live with it and essentially tell you to restrict your life around not using your ankle?

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! I’m used to little empathy from health care providers (it’s no joke that on average, women need to wait nine years for an endometriosis diagnosis), but still! The results weren’t even there yet! And it’s my freaking foot, how am I supposed to get anywhere like work??

    5. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      You may have a tendon or ligament problem, which is worse than a break. Hang in there, and go see an orthopedist. In the meantime, try and get a brace or air cast to keep it stable. Good luck!

      1. Julia*

        I suspect the same. The orthopedist I saw may order an MRI if the blood test doesn’t show results for arthritis or whatever he suspected, but no one gave me anything more supportive than an ankle band. Health care in Japan is cheap, but it’s also pretty quick-I-have-more-patients and often, the doctors don’t really listen. I might try another doc when I go back to Europe next month.

        Thank you for your encouragement!

    6. It’s all good*

      I had a fracture at the top of my foot and it was painful! My podiatrist said if I didn’t wear a boot for a year, it would not get fully healed. I only wore it for about a month. About once a year I will reinjure it and the boot comes out. – I hope you figure out soon what your issue is so you can get relief.

      1. It’s all good*

        And the fracture was so small it didn’t show up on any test. He diagnosed by using a tuning fork! He said it is what they used before X-rays and scans lol.

        1. Julia*

          O_O I don’t think I did anything to fracture my foot, and it does seem like a tendon or ligament issue to me, but I’ll keep your story in mind. Are you better now??

          1. Bibliovore*

            If it is a tendon or ligament/ sprain. Ice. Elevating. And I know this sounds nuts but it worked for me. Hiking boots for all walking. My orthopedic specialist prefers these to braces. You can get light weight ones.

            1. Julia*

              Ice hasn’t helped so far, and I’m afraid that after a year, probably won’t suddenly start helping. (Or can it?)
              I don’t think I can wear boots in this weather unless I absolutely have to.

              1. Rainy*

                I have a persistent ankle injury (I really should go to the doctor, but my suspicion is they’ll just tell me to treat the symptoms and “stay off it”–I walk and bike everywhere, like THAT’S gonna happen) and I got a couple of sets of compression sleeves on Amazon for my ankles and they are just amazing. I wear them whenever I’m going to be walking a bunch or when the weather makes my joints act up. They might at least help address the symptoms while you figure out what’s up.

                1. Julia*

                  Thank you!
                  I actually have some sort of bandage thing and also had a compression sleeve, but somehow the pain gets worse with them on? I’m afraid this really is a case for a thorough examination by a doctor.
                  I hope your ankle gets better, too! It really sucks when you can’t live your life the way you need to – there’s no not using your feet, after all!

    7. Kathenus*

      My brother had a recurring foot/ankle issue and it turned out to be a stress fracture and gout. I don’t know much about gout, but tossing it out in case it’s something they didn’t think to check for. And I know a few people, including my brother, who got stress or hairline fractures without any known injury. Good luck!

        1. WS*

          You’re unlikely to have gout if you’re a woman under 55 without a strong family history of it, and not an alcoholic or someone who eats a lot of organ meats regularly.

      1. Julia*

        I’ve been in Japan for a pretty long time, and even here, people expect doctors to help them with the issues we pay them for before giving up. My Japanese (female) friends complain about doctors dismissing them just as much as my German friends, so it’s not an acceptable Japanese thing, just a bad doctor thing.

    9. Gaia*

      That is so rude! And unacceptable from a medical professional. Telling someone to just “live with pain” everytime they walk is ridiculous ESPECIALLY when it isn’t yet known what caused the pain.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! I was really surprised when she suddenly started lecturing me like that, when all I wanted was to know when the results would be in. I guess bad medical personnel exists in every country…

    10. Star Nursery*

      The nurse was rude and wrong. It’s l almost like she was shaming you for looking for a medical answer for your pain and for wanting relief from the pain. What’s with her? Anyways, it’s not just you, those comments would have irked me a lot!

      I have one flat foot and one with an arch. The flat foot/ankle hurts or aches most off the time (at a tolerable low pain level) and then occasionally it’s at a higher pain level at times. If I go hiking or wear the wrong shoes is worse. I have been prone to twisting my ankle because I wear one pair of shoes but my feet are also not the same size. I’m not going to be able to afford to buy two pairs of shoes at two sizes every time. The flat foot is longer due to no arch.(Which makes it 2.5 shoe sizes bigger than my arched foot). Lol

      Not sure if any of this helps for your situation but I would try shoes with good support and keep seeing a doctor to find out what is causing your pain. Don’t listen to Grumpy nurse. If you need something summer wear, Teva has sporty casual sandals- might be a little pricey, but very stable, supportive and comfortable! I love mine. Not sure supportive dressy sandals/shoes but I’m sure that someone must sell them.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you for your comment!

        Weird, my “problem” foot is also the bigger one, although I’d say the difference is pretty minimal. And my pain is very similar to what you describe, mostly tolerable, but sometimes much worse.

        Not sure I can get Teva here (or about supportive shoes in Japan in general), but once I’m back in Germany, there’s a booming market for supportive shoes waiting for me lol. And hopefully a better doctor…

    11. Minocho*

      Oh, god, Japanese doctors. Such horrible experiences.

      If I were in the United States, I could have sues for soooo much money. As a gaijin woman in Japan? ::snort:: No chance.

      Let’s just say that the female nurses restrained me physically and stripped me to allow the doctor to do what he wanted. In front of a female coworker who accompanied me to help with translation. The only response? The female coworker said “That wasn’t right.” after we left.

      He was the only English speaking doctor in the area. Every time I had to get medical care after that, I specifically wore difficult to remove clothing. I did have to fight off the nurses trying to restrain me again, but as I’m large, and I was thereafter prepared, they weren’t willing to force the issue with an altercation.

      I found out later from other gaijin women that he did the same with them, so I made sure to warn the community at large about him before I came back to the States.

      Freezing when shocked and scared sucks.

  4. Not So NewReader*

    This is kind of a work question, I posted yesterday but I was late. I am hoping the question is general enough that it is okay for today. If you have to delete it, Alison, I understand.

    A friend has a Flicker account that she needs to transfer to someone else. There is a huge amount of work to do to replace the account, if we had to go that route. Flicker won’t let her change the account over to someone else.
    Has anyone had any good luck trying to do this?

    1. Buu*

      Just give them the log in and they should be able to rename it. Or is it synced to something else like a yahoo account?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s synced to a Yahoo account. Soo… set up a new yahoo account? Which I think has been tried and it would not go. sigh.

        1. Buu*

          You’d probably have to give up the yahoo account along with it. I had flickr lock me out of mine as my yahoo account was tied with my ISP. When the ISP ditched yahoo they shut all the accounts with no warning ;/

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            wow. That is not good.

            I think your friend needs to find a long-term solution, such as a work-controlled email account that can be handed down easily.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Holy crap. Oh noooo.
            This is much more serious than I thought.

            It looks like all that work will just need to be redone and the flickr account just gets abandoned. It’s not worth the chain effect of having other accounts shut down also.

            Thank you to both of you for answering here.

    2. CAA*

      Is it urgent, or can you wait a while? Verizon/Yahoo just recently sold Flickr, so even though they say nothing will change, it seems likely that they will eventually decouple the login from Yahoo.

      If you can’t wait, then I believe the only solution is to download all the content from the account and upload it to a new account, which is hopefully a generic one that can be passed around, and not somebody’s personal Yahoo email address.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The longest that it can go is just under two weeks. So I am thinking that is not long enough?

        Thanks for answering here!

    3. Manderley*

      Look into adding another email inside Flickr’s user settings, make that one the primary email, then delete the friend’s email. I’m unsure about changing names, urls, etc but you should be able to change the login to another Yahoo address.

      They were recently purchased by Smugmug (if I recall correctly) so hopefully the yahoo login requirement will go away soon. Good luck!

  5. TL -*

    I’m studying abroad in New Zealand and while I was at the uni’s international food festival, I met someone from Texas, which is my home state. Asked where she was from and she said the town my parents work in! (About 15 minutes from my hometown.)

    I have never met anyone from that area and I’ve only met about 5 people who know where that particular town is – they were all either truck drivers or Navy. I am beyond flabbergasted but incredibly psyched! I’m hoping we can talk a bit about being from the Rio Grande Valley and living in a totally different place now.

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      It’s a small world in a lot of ways. Some friends of mine were bumped off a flight, Paris -> US. They joked about playing a card game (Spades) all night, ‘like high school again’. Another bumped couple overheard, said, ‘we did that too!’ Turns out, they’re all from the same residential high school, a few years apart – I knew both couples.

      They spent the night at the airport playing Spades.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      The world is a surprisingly small place.

      Ibn Battutah, a Moroccan traveler in the 14th century, once came across someone in a rural town in China who grew up in the town closest to his in Morocco. I remember reading that and thinking that no matter how far you go, there’s always someone you know just around the corner.

      1. TardyTardis*

        My husband is forever running into former students all over the country, just about. Up at Oregon Health & Sciences when he was getting a scan for lymphoma, the tech was one of his chemistry students.

    3. the gold digger*

      The summer before I started grad school, I quit my job in July and drove from Texas to Seattle, stopping along the way.

      I was in the Seattle Space Needle and thought, “Man. That guy sure looks like my high-school boyfriend.”

      I went to high school in the Panama Canal Zone and it had been ten years since I had seen the guy. We had not kept in touch.

      I kept looking and thought, “JUST like him.”

      So I said hi. And it was he, now a pilot and stationed somewhere around there. With his parents, who were visiting him from Austin. Which was where I lived.

      They took me out to dinner and we had a lovely time.

      (We lost touch again, but then found each other on FB a few years ago, which was when he told me he was gay, which explained why he had never wanted to kiss me in high school, which was so much better than the explanation I had formed for myself, which was I was so unattractive that even my own boyfriend didn’t want to touch me.)

    4. Red Reader*

      I once met someone on a remote hilltop in Ireland – like, we had to hike across a cow pasture to get there levels of off the beaten path – who recognized me from my Livejournal userpic. I lived in Seattle at the time, she lived in Michigan where I grew up, and we had mutual friends. So imagine my surprise when someone hollers – not my actual name, but my LJ username – at me across the hill.

      1. Woodswoman*

        That is amazing. Years ago, my boyfriend and I lived in California and did a long road trip around the western US and Canada. Three times in remote locations, we ran into someone he knew–in the woods outside a tiny town in British Columbia, on a backpacking trip on Vancouver Island, and taking our boat of the river at the end of a rafting trip in Utah.

        1. Rainy*

          My bff and I were lurking round the back way into the V&A in London once waiting for the doors to open and avoiding the line at the front and ran into one of our professors, also waiting to go in. Our discipline isn’t decorative arts and design, and the V&A anyway is far too late for us, so it wouldn’t be a natural stopping point, and all three of us were living in British Columbia at the time. It was extremely amusing.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve shared this here before, but we were on top of the Aguille du Midi in the French Alps, waiting to go out on the glass-bottom observation deck, and discovered we were behind a kid from my son’s school (and grade) at home in New England.

    6. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      I LOVE how small the world can be!

      On the flight from Frankfurt to New York at the start of my high school year in the US I was seated next to a lovely older American couple who asked me where exactly I was going – and it turned out the husband had grown up in the city which would be my home for the next year, Roswell, GA! He promptly corrected my pronunciation because I had been saying Rose-well.

    7. Jaid_Diah*

      I was on my way home from a conference in Texas when I encountered my girlfriend’s cousin at the airport. We got to hang out while waiting for the same flight home.

    8. EvilQueenRegina*

      I had a friend in my halls of residence who lived about 5 miles away from where my mum grew up. And this is a tiny village that most people never heard of, yet he had.

      A few years later another guy from our hall also moved there.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        On a similar note, in my last year at uni I lived in a houseshare with a guy whose mum had gone to school with my mum. We didn’t find out until our graduation when my mum saw my housemate’s name in the programme.

    10. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I have two, both involving my partner’s friends.

      Our first flat in London overlooked a high street and one day he was getting some milk out of the fridge and happend to look down on the sidewalk and recognized a girl he went to elementary school with (in a very small village of a few hundred in rural Sweden) – turns out she lived three streets over from us.

      At the 2006 World Cup we traveled around Germany and our final stop was Munich. Took the subway somewhere and I happened to turn around on the escalator and recognized, about halfway down, someone who looked very much like a person I had seen in many of partner’s photos from university. It was a close friend of his he had gone to high school with who we had no idea was also in Germany at the time. We took a picture at the top of the escalator :) and I believe that was the last time anyone has seen Anton (hes off working in South America somewhere as a human shield or something)

    11. Woodswoman*

      When I was in college in Michigan, I once introduced my college friend to a friend from high school. Years later, they ended up at the same hostel in China and mailed me a postcard.

      A couple years ago, I went on a spring camping trip in Death Valley National Park. My cousin in Minnesota had friends who were also planning a trip there, so she showed them a photo of me from my blog in case they ran into me. The park is more than 5,000 square miles. After I parked my car by the side of the road one day, I heard someone call my name. Sure enough, it was that couple. The husband told me about another connection. Years before he met his wife (my cousin’s friend), he had a professor in college who turned out to be my uncle, my cousin’s dad. You can’t make this stuff up.

    12. Aardvark*

      I once ran into an ex boyfriend in a Dennys on the California/Arizona border. (This is less coincidental than it sounds, because he was driving to school early and a friend and I were heading from school to pick up a mutual friend from his hometown, but still!)
      I was also involved with a (different) guy who was from small town X. I was chatting with my mom a little while after he and I got together, and told her where he was from. She started laughing, because about 2 weeks before I started dating the guy, my aunt and uncle had moved to that same town!

    13. Bigglesworth*

      That’s so cool! I studied abroad in Austria and met a couple who were from the town in Oklahoma were my parents were living at the time. Small small world!

      Out of curiosity, what are you studying in NZ?

    14. Kim, Ranavain*

      Ooooh, I love these. I live in DC but am from Idaho, and am usually the first Idahoan any given person here has met. The exceptions? Mormon Missionaries, who are very often from Idaho or Utah, or if they’re not, they always seem to have family in SE Idaho and have actually heard of my hometown.

      But my favorite story like this is when, at an old job (in DC), we hired an intern who had been roommates with a friend of mine from junior high (in Idaho) when they were both living abroad (in Chile).

    15. Windchime*

      I once got stuck in the airport in Boston, trying to get back to Seattle. The plane was delayed, and as I cooled my heels, I saw a guy across the gate waiting area that looked like my old neighbor from my home town. Sure enough, it was him. He was in Boston trying to get back to our home town (which he had to get to via Seattle). We had lived 4 houses apart in my old town.

  6. Sled dog mama*

    So my girl had her surgery Thursday, she’s doing well, sore and unhappy about being a cone head for a few days but otherwise doing well. We won’t get the pathology back until sometime next week but the vet said that she’s really thinking it’s benign since the mass wasn’t adhering to anything.
    Girl was hilarious when hubby went to pick her up Thursday evening. She refused to leave the vet’s office. Apparently they had made her so comfortable that she was refusing to even leave her crate. Hubby tried to coax her out of the crate and she looked at him, gave him the “Nope” look and snuggled back into her blankets. So she got to spend the night at the vet’s office.
    Right now she’s stretched out in front of her fan sound asleep and twitching, I got up at my normal time to walk her and couldn’t bear to wake her up.

    3. Gaia*

      Oh I’m so glad she’s doing well and I’m sending good vibes for great results on the mass!

    4. Anne (with an “e”)*

      I’m so glad she’s doing well. I’m also glad that she was so comfortable at the vet’s. My Puggie always wants to leave the vet’s as soon as he arrives.

  7. AlligatorSky*

    I saw the new Purge movie last night and it got me thinking. If the Purge was real, would you take part in it?

    I’d like to think I would, but knowing me, I’d probably go outside and kick a bin over, before going back inside. That would be enough madness for me.

          1. Dopameanie*

            OKAY!
            So. I was in the armed forces, helping America dig a big ol’ hole in the desert and fill it up with money and blood. We needed to convoy to a different base. We were, however, totally out of oil for our vehicles. For the record: I NEVER changed the oil in any military vehicle overseas. Because they all leaked like a sieve. It was like they were constantly being flushed. ANYWAY. We can’t go anywhere until we are supplied with more oil. So we go to the local transportation unit on base and ask nicely. No dice. They are low too. Stuck.

            A HEIST IS BORN!

          2. Dopameanie*

            So I need you guys to understand: I am a lady-person. The ratio is roughly 1 female to 20 males on most military bases whilst deployed. I am a YOUNG THIN lady person. I was…noticed easily. So. I am presented with a voluntary mission. I will be disavowed if caught. Imma steal all their oil. And their transmission fluid, since…yknow….in for a penny in for a pound.

          3. Dopameanie*

            So we change my name tapes, my unit patches, my rank, I find makeup, we can’t find lipstick so I use the red kool-aid powder from an old MRE as a lip stain, grab the biggest assault pack my unit can find, and go find my patsy.

            I adopted the blank wide-eyes gullible stare that certain young women adopt when they think men are repulsed by intelligence. And I chatted up this guy who was left behind as the rest of his unit went on whatever transport mission. I listened to him brag about how good a shot he was, how much he could bench press, how good he was at…something, I don’t remember. I stared with rapt admiration as he talked about what it was like outside “the wire”. Why, I could NEVER! I would be TOO SCARED! (I was outside the wire 3x a week) I mentioned that it was SOOOOOO hot, do you have a fridge with cold water? Mine is hot :’( GOSH it is craaaazy hot isn’t it?! (It actually was. Deserts kinda blow you guys) and then POWER MOVE: I let my hair down and shook it out.

          4. Dopameanie*

            So, you know how, in the movies, the girl does something hot in slow motion and all the guys’ jaws drop? I always rolled my eyes at that. But….that one time? It was EXACTLY LIKE THAT. So he scurried off to find me some cold water and I am STUFFING this assault pack as fast as I can as soon as he can’t see me. I took literally every. Last. Quart. I fill it up until I can barely zip it back up and hoist it back on my shoulders as this guy comes back, out of breath (really guy?) asking me about what unit I’m with. I make some lame excuse I don’t actually remember now and SPEED WALK back to my unit, the triumphant hero. I had to have chow delivered to me until we left, because ol boy was LOOKING for me after that. But you know what?

            Worth it.

            Post script: my platoon called me ‘honeypot’ for, like, a solid 2 months after that.

              1. Dopameanie*

                It is not my favorite or best service-connected story, but it is easily top 20.

                The military has a saying: there is only one thief in the entirety of the armed forces. Everyone else is just trying to get his **** back.
                (This saying is wildly untrue, but I <3 it anyways)

    2. Loopy*

      I’m only vaguely familiar with the concept of those movies and I can say with confidence I would hide in my house and want zero part of it. Heck, I don’t even go out on holidays. The traffic! The drunk people! The noise!

      *least interesting answer*

      1. nep*

        Me. Home, home, home. I would absolutely definitely hide in the house. (Same as you on holidays–why oh why would I want to go out there and deal with all that.)

      2. The Original K.*

        I would barricade myself in my home with my laptop and hack and steal a bunch of money. (I’d have to learn how to do that first.) I never understood why the emphasis is always on violent crime in those movies – aren’t there people who, like, want to steal a Lamborghini and go joy-riding?

        After I stole a bunch of money and paid my debt and bought the stuff I wanted to buy and socked away a healthy amount, I’d bow out and spend every subsequent Purge Day abroad.

        1. Anonymosity*

          I’d probably do this or something like it.

          We did a heist in college–we sneaked out one night and stole all these real estate signs out of yards– we were going to put them in someone’s dorm room. I don’t know if that ever happened. We also grabbed potted plants at Walmart and ran. It was so stupid and we nearly got busted while nicking the signs. I don’t think I want to be a looter.

          If I had the wherewithal and the resources, I’d overthrow the government that night and fix everything.

          1. Bigglesworth*

            There’s actually a plant nursery near me that recently lost over $3,000 in stolen plants and gardening goods last week (3 separate heists). As a gardener, I felt so bad for them.

            1. Anonymosity*

              The difference between being a kid and being a grown-up. I feel pretty bad about what we did and that was years and years ago.

    3. PB*

      Oh, heck no. The only “purge” I’d want to take any part of would involve large boxes of donations to Goodwill.

    4. Lcsa99*

      I appear to live under a rock because I had never heard of these films, but I just looked up the synopsis on wiki and … yeah, no. I think I will happily stay under my rock. I can’t think of any crimes I would want to do except maybe graffiti some signs that we’ve joked about changing, and I wouldn’t want to do that badly enough to go out in government sanctioned anarchy and rioting. No thanks!

      2. the gold digger*

        I want to zap the people who wait until the last second to change lanes. Or who tailgate me when I am GOING THE SPEED LIMIT on the local road where there are always cops. Or who don’t leave enough room for another car to park when they could.

        So yeah – I want to have absolute power of life and death over everyone else. I promise I would use my power for good.

        2. nep*

          +1,000,000,000,000…
          AND changing lanes without using the blinker, or flicking on the blinker after changing lanes at the last minute. I invariably yell out in the car: ‘There’s this nifty thing called the blinker, people. It’s how we communicate here!’
          SO often I get people tailgating me on local streets where cops often hover. I just take my time (even, sometimes, slow down ever so slightly). Betcha y’ain’t gonna pay my speeding ticket, are ya, man? So chill out.

      3. TardyTardis*

        Our block would all hang out with each other and sell drugs to everyone, while the people with guns would make sure things went smoothly and everyone got their fair cut. (and I know who does that already, but they really are great neighbors, I just don’t bug them on Saturday nights).

    5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Hard no. I’d be hiding under the bed at home for those twelve hours.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Since I hadn’t seen the previews (big DVR user here), I just watched the trailer. Hmm. I believe I would, although it wouldn’t be anything to physically harm other people. I can see myself doing things like stealing and vandalizing things. However. I’d be petrified of being hurt or killed, which would very likely cause me to hide in my basement. Since I’d have to leave my basement to steal and vandalize, I’m guessing a Purge would be a bust for me.

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      I would steal a large truck and raid the nearest book shop. I would make sure to do it early in the night so that I’m lost in the confusion but that’s what I’d do. I’d also make sure it was a corporate book shop and not one of the independent ones.

      I’d probably also grab a pizza on the way as well.

    8. Mimmy*

      Had to look this up and…. noooooooo thank you!! lol. As much as I’d love to let off some steam or grab merchandise I want from time to time, I’d be hiding in my closet instead.

        1. Temperance*

          Okay I realize that we’re talking about a hypothetical crime spree, and I just said that I’d burn down my neighbor’s yard and shed, but stealing from a LIBRARY is a step too far. lol

          1. Mimmy*

            Ha! Actually, I’d more likely steal from my university’s library – I am a huge nerd and could probably spend hours just perusing texts and other books in my areas of interest.

            1. Chaordic One*

              With my luck, I’d end up like that character played by Burgess Meredith in the classic “Twilight Zone” episode, “Time Enough at Last.”

                1. TardyTardis*

                  But he lived right next to a sporting goods shop–he probably could have found some safety lenses that would have worked for him (if only an adapted telescope).

        2. chi type*

          You guys know everything at the library is already free right? No dystopian scenario required!!

    9. Alex the Alchemist*

      I’d probably just go to Sephora and take a bunch of makeup that I wouldn’t be able to afford otherwise. I’d also go around stealing animals from abusers/puppy mills and finding them loving homes.

    10. Temperance*

      Honestly, probably. I’d probably do something boring like loot a Best Buy, though.

      Or light the neighbor’s lawn and shed on fire, because that jerk “likes” the invasive bamboo that he’s been growing, not caring that it’s an invasive species and is infecting all of our yards …

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have seen bamboo push right up through several inches of black top parking lot. It was quite a few feet away from the main group of bamboo plants. It’s almost scary to see.

        1. Temperance*

          It’s horrible! We paid to have a backhoe dig out the roots from our yard last year and put in a physical barrier to keep them out, and the jerk who likes the “privacy” of it has become our mutual enemy.

    11. RestlessRenegade*

      I’ve thought about this a lot because I saw the first Purge film in theaters and I loved the concept (but I didn’t care much for the first movie and I’ve heard the others are all even worse.) It drives me crazy how much potential the concept has and how disappointing the films are!

      The thing is, even if hypothetically I wanted to, say, go to all the pet stores in town and free the animals, or steal a lifetime’s supply of Hersey’s kisses, you’d have to contend with the super expensive and maxed out security systems that most stores would have. Ditto for any people that you have a grudge against. So, assuming that I could afford a modest security system myself, if I were to ever participate, the only thing I would try is stealing an older, less-desirable car and crashing it on purpose. I hate the idea of stealing anyone’s car, so maybe I could find an abandoned car or maybe I could even buy a cheap one off Craigslist first. I have a lot of anxiety about driving so crashing a car on purpose (safely) sounds like a huge thrill ride.

      1. Anonymosity*

        Well, if they let people do whatever that night with no consequences, then you could just physically break in. No need to circumvent alarms.

        However, you’re right about the grudges—what if someone had a grudge against YOU? And they used that night to come after you? Though you could probably defend yourself mightily with no repercussions.

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          Exactly! I would probably just hole up for the night. I guess my thought on ransacking was that Target would be able to afford better security than I would be able to afford ways to penetrate that security…and heck, it would be a bad PR move, but they could just hire a force of armed guard to keep people out of the stores. I feel like most business won’t just be like, “Oh well, we have Purge Insurance, let them take whatever they want!” Having said that, being a Purge Insurance broker would be the best option!

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’d like to say yes but it would be something small, like the book shop robbery as mentioned above. However, I think I’d actually just lock myself (and my husband and cats) in the house, turn off all the lights and wait for it to pass – I’d be too afraid of getting caught up in it if I went outside.

    13. Nash*

      All “crime” is legal? I’d erase the records for as much student and medical debt in the US as I and my coterie of amazing hackers could.

    15. gmg22*

      Um, wow. Did I watch a different version of one of these films than everyone else did? I get that it’s fun to think about going off the chain a bit, playing Robin Hood, etc. But I definitely didn’t get the impression that theft, robbery, or even vandalism were things most of the Purger characters wasted a whole lot of their time doing — except when they could multitask while they were spending 12 hours killing every defenseless person they could find in the most gruesome ways they could think of just for kicks. Funhouse horror stuff, like a peek down an alley where people were being guillotined. There is also a definite undertone/message/critique by the filmmakers about the poor and minorities being subject to this (or basically that they have been turned on each other in a fight to the death) while the wealthy can afford security or to leave the country during the Purge day.

      Hard pass on that. But since we seem to be talking about a fantasy Purge that doesn’t bear any resemblance to the one in the films, I’ll ride along if I can get a no-homicide guarantee! Let’s steal all Elon Musk’s cars and make him cry. ;-)

      1. TardyTardis*

        Except that Musk probably has trackers in all of them, and will come to collect them the next day. (sighs)

    2. Kuododi*

      Reminds me of a toddler saying “Look at me Mommy!!!”….. with her best wide eyed innocent expression yet reigning down chaos in her wake!!!

  9. Loopy*

    Dental questions!!!

    A while back I switched to an electric toothbrush (I think I asked for advice here actually!) and I LOVE it! I’m thinking of a waterpik as my next step- I’m awful at flossing but really want to kick that bad habit.

    Then on an episode of the new Queer Eye on Netflix I saw one of the people using one and it looked kind of messy and awkward. Anyone here have one? Can it be done without getting water everywhere? Is it as effective as flossing?

    I also tried crest white strips and my first go round didn’t work at all, I’m bummed but it was the express box of four 1 hour treatments. Has anyone had better luck with the longer 14 day treatment?

    1. Cristina in England*

      I used to have a regular corded water flosser and I don’t remember it being messy, though, You can now get a cordless waterpik (don’t know if it’s that brand or a sonicare/OralB). You can use it in the shower, keeping any errant water from becoming a problem.

    2. Lcsa99*

      As a kid, I had one of those corded ones with like a well that you filled with water, and as an adult for about five minutes I had one that you hooked up to the faucet, and both were messy. I can’t imagine how you could get one that’s NOT messy. It’s high pressure water you’re spraying into your mouth. Its gotta go somewhere! Using it in the shower like suggested above is the only way that I can think of to avoid that.

    3. shawtydubs*

      I had a waterpik and I found it a pain more than anything. And I don’t know if it worked well enough for the effort. I eventually got rid of it and switched to using floss piks. Have you tried those? It makes flossing so much easier! I’ve tried a few different brands and the only brand I like is Plackers. You can get them on Amazon if you can’t find them in the store.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Second the Plackers suggestion. I have teeth that are ridiculously close together, and Plackers are the only flossers I can use without shredding the floss. The mint-flavored ones are very nice for a mid-day breath freshening if you can’t brush for some reason. Two thumbs up!

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I have a Waterpik and I love it. The water does come back out of your mouth but I can purse my lips somewhat and it all goes into the bowl of a standard bathroom sink. The first couple times I did get some water around the sink but it’s not really that bad.

      I find it removes particles in the back of your mouth (my molars are partially erupted so hard to floss) very well. And my last dental appointment I was told I had problem spots in my gums (receding and inflammation) and my gum scores all improved using this.

      1. Dr. Vanessa Poseidon*

        Seconding this. I use the same technique and once you get the hang of it, the only real mess is a bit of residual spray around the sink. Also, just shut the waterpik off when switching from one side of your mouth to the other.

        Whether it’s worth it really depends on you and your teeth. My molars are fairly crowded, and using regular floss, an electric toothbrush, and mouthwash still wasn’t enough to really keep my gums healthy; adding the waterpik has definitely been an improvement. Plus, you kinda get addicted to seeing all the food particles that get stuck in the back of your mouth.

    5. Ricky*

      So, I’ve had similar problems. After talking with my dentist I seem to be SOL in regards to whitening – mine seems to be based on demineralization, so whitening anything won’t work. Definitely something to talk with a pro about, if you haven’t already.

      As for flossing, I’ve tried the waterpik and it was pretty so so. The best thing, for me, was putting a bag of those little floss pick things in my car. Making it really really easy is the best thing for me so far.

    6. Queenie*

      I used the white strip 14 day treatment immediately after getting my braces removed as a teen. It was a while ago, but I remember being happy with the results. Kept them in for the half hour while I was showering, getting dressed, drying my hair, etc. so I wouldn’t be moving my mouth much. I think it would have been harder to keep them in my mouth for a whole hour.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I have a waterpik, and while there’s is some spray, it’s not too bad. Lean down really close to the sink and most of the water will land in the sink. Then just quickly wipe down the counter. If your bathroom is anything like mine, it always needs a quick wipe, so not too bad!

      1. Star Nursery*

        I have a waterproof and I do this too. It took me a little while to get the hang of it and I think at first I got too much water spraying everywhere but I’ve got it down to a method now and it works great!

        Sometimes I floss first and then use the water pik. I’ve tried in both order to see whether there is more food bits still to come out of my mouth or if either one will get everything. I have one molar in the back that food tends to get stuck in a hole and flossing doesn’t get it out

        Make sure you have the pik in your mouth and that you are leaning over the sink with mouth facing to the sink before you turn it on! I lean over the sink kind of shape lips and let the water and food bits out into the sink.

        I think that it’s possible the actors in the show hadn’t used one before.

    9. msroboto*

      I use a waterpik I don’t find it messy. I did find a youtube video by a dentist that showed how to use it properly and I think that helped.

    10. brushandfloss*

      IMO water flossing is not as effective as regular flossing but if you’re not going to floss at all, it’s better than not doing anything. There is a bit of a learning curve but a lot of many patients like using it. I’ve been told by many people the cordless models are not as powerful as the corded ones.

      If you want you can try using floss sticks before getting a water flosser. The important thing about flossing is the technique. The floss should be pressed against the tooth and you want to scrape the sides of the tooth in an up and down motion making sure you go under the gumline. FYI some people notice more bleeding when they begin flossing but that’s expected after not flossing for awhile and should resolve with continued flossing.

      Staining- it depends on different factors. What is causing the staining/discoloration? There is some stains that won’t respond to whitening especially if you have different materials in your mouth(porcelain, veneers , composites).

      1. Star Nursery*

        Yep, agree the corded one works better but the cordless one is fine for keeping a second one at work or traveling imo.

    11. Marion Ravenwood*

      Re: waterpik, a friend of mine who’s a dental nurse basically recommended using it in the shower. I think that would be the only way to avoid the mess.

    12. Chaordic One*

      When you buy a cordless one, how does the battery hold up? It seems to me that any time I’ve bought a cordless appliance it is rechargeable (think shavers or razors), and after about 6 months to a year, the battery poops out and it doesn’t seem to want to hold a charge. I worry that cordless water flosser or toothbrush would be the same.

    13. NMFTG*

      I have a Philips Sonicare airfloss and I love it – for me it’s not a replacement but a supplement for flossing and toothpicks. I have naturally straight and naturally “properly alligned” teeth, which gives me room for both expanding floss and slim toothpicks, but I know people who has had braces often often have “tight” teeth with no room for either. I love the airfloss, it gives a lovely and different cleaning, compared to floss/picks. It’s better, in my experience, for avoiding plaque, but of course YMMW.

      It’s only messy if you don’t close your mouth around it.

      If you keep your mouth open while you put a tiny water spraying device into your mouth – yes, it will spray everywhere. :D If you keep your mouth shut around it, it’s not messy.

      1. Saskia*

        Seconding the recommendation for Philips Sonicare airfloss.

        It’s cordless, and the bursts of air/water are controlled by pressing a button, which is very easy to manage compared with a continuous stream of water.

        I can use the Philips between all but two teeth, so it’s really made a difference to how much regular floss I use.

    14. Hamburke*

      Growing up, we had a corded waterpik and now I have a cordless one. I actually like the corded one better. I stand over the sink and use it letting water dribble out of my mouth – it doesn’t really go allover the place unless you turn it on outside of your mouth. It works almost as well as floss at getting stuff out from between them and does better than floss at helping your gums.

    15. Zing a Ling*

      I was a lazy flosser, and switched to a Water Pik. I love it! I just bend far enough over the sink so that everything goes right down the drain. I love how my mouth feels, too.

    16. periwinkle*

      As an Invisalign patient who also has periodontal issues, let me wax poetic about my love for my Waterpik… Well, I won’t do that, but here’s how I avoid the mess.

      1. Start the Waterpik with the tip pointing into the sink. Press the pause button before you try putting it into your mouth!
      2. Keep your lips closed most of the time.

      It’s kind of a pulsing thing – I keep my lips closed for 10-15 second, open and close them quickly to release the trapped water, repeat until done. No mess, clean gums, it’s wonderful. I use tepid or warm water as my teeth are sensitive to cold.

    17. Loopy*

      Wow I’m surprised at how many people have used waterpiks. I have to admit I’m probably more indecisive now than I was before but I appreciate all the feedback. The only thing I didn’t realize is most people are saying it’s not a replacement for flossing, which changes things for me. I was thinking that I wouldn’t have to worry about traditional flossing with it.

      Thanks for the feedback everyone.

      1. Star Nursery*

        I was previously not a regular flosser and have gotten finally made a habit in the last couple years of regularly flossing and using the waterpik most evenings. Yay. I just brush my teeth in the morning and sometimes after lunch I do and sometimes I don’t.

        I think if I could go back and tell my younger self some life tips that flossing/waterpik would be in my short list of top three items I’d advise myself to do! Ha. The other to have to do with not stressing over meeting the “one” and the other one would be related to finances.

        Depending on your teeth, correct, it might not totally replace flossing… But that said, I’d still recommend it. If you aren’t flossing and you pick up waterflossing you will still be experiencing most of the benefits! Like being 95% closer to your goal than 0%, if that makes sense.

        It is so satisfying to see all the bits of food come out of my mouth into the sink. YMMV.

        I used to be terrible at flossing regularly and I think the reason I couldn’t get into a habit was for me it seemed like flossing was so time consuming to add to brushing and all the other routine. I would floss s-l-o-w-l-y going between my teeth with a lot of floss. I like fast routines and now I floss at a fast pace, I find I’m flossing now as a habit. I do slow down or recheck teeth if I had something really sticky like chicken though. Chicken really sticks between teeth.

        Hope this helps and good luck!

    18. TardyTardis*

      I use the Reach flosser because I would never get the back ones or the reallytighttogether ones without it.

  10. LGC*

    Quick prompt: If you’re training for a fall race (or fall races), how’s that going so far? (I know it’s super early in the game, but stuff is coming up soon!)

    I…might actually have a fall marathon planned, and it’s 90% definite at this point. (I just need to get confirmation and I’ve been checking my e-mail like a madman.)

      1. LGC*

        New York, and actually bypassing the lottery (which is good because the lottery was in February).

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      So far, so good for me. I did my first double digit run in training for the Philadelphia Marathon when I was off work Monday. It went very well. I’m starting early because I have a crazy schedule later in the fall and will probably have to miss or combine some long run weeks (this is just as well, this will give my body extra rest).

      Good luck with getting into your marathon, LGC? Is this NYC that you’re waiting for?

      1. LGC*

        …you got it! Although not in the way I’d been talking about. I haven’t gotten confirmation YET because it’s on NYRR to hit me up (and I’m a n00b and haven’t done this before). But I might actually be running it for real this fall.

        (Which is bananas for multiple reasons.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I hope it happens! I’ve run NYC three times and it’s an amazing (though super crowded) race. If you do get in, I can provide a number of tips and insight, even though you’re in a way different league speed-wise than me.

          1. LGC*

            Definitely hoping it comes through soon! The exact situation, which I’ve been kind of vague about so far, is that apparently if you’re fast enough and you’re local enough – I think within 60 miles and AQ – you can apply for locally competitive status. My half marathon time makes the cut, and I’m from North Jersey and run for a North Jersey club.

            And definitely I’d love to have tips! It’s funny because I Vaguebooked about this because I was paranoid about jinxing it (because I am a crazy person), and everyone was like “CONGRATULATIONS I can provide tips about X”

    3. BeenThere*

      Hubs started training in July for his October marathon a couple years ago. He logged about 500 miles total in his preparation. Checked that one off the bucket list!

    4. Justin*

      Going well. Made it up to 68 then 70 the last two weeks, stepback this week, 72 next week, followed by a short race, then a 73 week with my first 20 mile run.

      Haven’t felt this good in a training season in 3 years, back when I was at my fastest. Hoping it’s a good sign.

      1. LGC*

        Good luck, man! Glad everything’s going well – and I’m a little in awe that you’re already up to the 70s! (Like, I looked back and my weekly average was in the 40s right now – and I think even when I hit my peak weeks in September/October I should be up to probably the 70s/low 80s mileage-wise?)

        1. Justin*

          I’m not going too much higher, only really going to touch 80s. I just like to really hit a rhythm in overall enudurance. Have many short races later in training so I focus a bit more on speed towards the end.

          1. LGC*

            Yeah, you’re a little bit different than me – I’m doing the more traditional ramp-up since May and June were kind of intense and my mileage slipped a bit because of it. (But even then, I think I capped out at 66 in April – which was probably a bit low for what I wanted to do, but I survived.)

    5. CheeryO*

      Good! I have a couple more weeks of base building in the low 40s mpw, then a 14 week intermediate Hansons plan for NYC. I ran it in 2016 and can’t wait to do it again. It really is an incredible experience. I’d be happy to give you my two cents as well if there’s anything you need advice on!

      Also, I ran a half yesterday with a friend, and it was so warm and humid, it was disgusting. My PR is 1:47, and we did 2:30. I could have gone a bit faster if I was really racing, but not by much! It was pretty humbling.

      1. LGC*

        Good luck!

        And I hear you on yesterday. I made the mistake of trying to keep up with the fastest guys in my club on our long run. (I actually did!) I looked like I’d taken a shower in my clothes after I was done. The run itself didn’t feel too terrible, but I think part of that is that I feel the effects of heat on a delay. (Unlike the first short answer LW from Wednesday, I’m PERFECTLY FINE with 90+ temps and high humidity…until I’m not and everything goes south really fast.)

        But yeah, it was not great yesterday – and we started at 7 AM. I would not have been able to do it at all mid-day.

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I feel like I really dodged a bullet this morning. I was going to get in my long run early this morning, but overslept and woke up at 8 am. (It was so worth it.) The radar forecast looked ominous about an hour into the run, but I decided to give it a go anyway and planned it so the second half of my run would be alongside a bus line back to my neighborhood if I needed sudden shelter. I got in my entire 11 mile run, with a little bit of light, cooling rain along the way. Two minutes after I finished, I heard the first crack of thunder, and the rain is now absolutely going insane right outside our windows. :-)

  11. Lcsa99*

    I need some ideas for costumes. We need them for both myself and my husband, though it doesn’t necessarily have to be a “couples” costume, we’d like to just have them both along the same lines. 

    The last one we did that we loved was music themed: we were “the devil went down to Georgia” (devil horns, u of Georgia tshirt and a toy violin we spray painted gold) and “the devil in the blue dress” (self explanatory, though I made awesome blue-black horns).

    My husband is a huge music fan, so something music themed again would be great, but we’re just devoid of ideas. Neither of us would be comfortable with anything really revealing or sexy, but I’ve done bustiers and we’re both good with wigs, wings or prosthetic/latex appliances.  Any other themes would work too. I can’t do more than very basic sewing, but I am crafty, so I can put together stuff to make a costume work if I can just get some inspiration!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’ll bite. How does one dress up as a heartbreak hotel? :-)

        1. Lcsa99*

          Too bad we tossed our old scooby door costume. We might have been able to adapt that for a hound dog.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            My closets are waaaaay too full of costumes. But the kid’s Lickitung costume comes from a grown-person size base, so there’s years of wear in it…

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Maybe you guys can dress up as characters from David Bowie songs. There are a number of male options: Major Tom, Ziggy Stardust, the Thin White Duke. Where I’m a bit stuck, maybe because it’s 7:56 am and I’m not quite awake yet, is on female characters. I can only think of China Girl.

        2. Lcsa99*

          I like this theme. David Bowie is awesome. If I could find the right clothing I could probably do Jareth with a Tina Turner wig. Anyone have ideas of the clothing for that?

          A Suffragette might be fun too. Hmmm…

      2. only acting normal*

        Don’t need to limit to “female” characters; he did push the androgyny limits. Gillian Anderson made a good Bowie in American Gods.

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        It might be a bit generic but I’d go with a teen movie ‘rebellious’ character look (leather jackets, lots of eyeliner, fake tattoos etc). That’s pretty easy to do both male and female versions of.

    3. Denise*

      Death and taxes. One of you wears a hooded black robe and the other wears a couple of tax forms, sandwich board style.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Part of me really likes this idea. And my father-in-law is an accountant, so we can actually get forms easily. :)

    4. Jules the 3rd*

      Octopus with garden (which is, at least according to legend, shiny stones) and Blackbird
      Rocky Racoon and Nancy/Lil/Magill
      Mr. Postman and a Signed, Sealed, Delivered package
      SO MANY choices from The Way You Do The Things You Do (Candle, Broom, Crook/School Book)
      So many choices from Peter Gabriel’s So album, especially Sledgehammer, but Big Time’s pretty visual too
      The drawn couple from A-Ha’s Take On Me
      Rock Lobster by the B52s (Lobster, Lifeguard, Manta Ray, all the fishes…)

      I’m costuming a 10yo mostly, which gives easy inspiration – Minecraft, Pokemon… We did a good family Despicable Me, though I really need to work on bald caps.

      Rolling Stone’s top 100 Country songs of all time in the link, it’s an area I don’t know as well as 60s and 80s pop.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        History and biology or science book and French? (The latter might be easier.)

    8. NMFTG*

      Ring of Fire?

      I’m just guessing that it might be similar – one as the ring (hoolahoop, angel head band thingy, ridiculous amounts of toy rings on body) and one as the fire (flame-ish clothes, fake gasoline handbag, tool belt with “fire” tools).

    9. Toonsesthecat*

      (Bread) Roll over, Beethoven
      Baby, love
      Crocodile, rock (Dwayne Johnson)
      Sexual, healing

  12. Waiting for the Sun (Formerly Sugarplum*

    Hi! Longtime lurker, occasional replies; first comment:
    Saw “Sorry to Bother You” last night and recommend it. Funny, surreal, and lots to think about.

    1. annakarina1*

      I really liked it a lot. It was strange and dark while having a lot of really good social commentary on racism, unions, and indentured servitude for corporations.

    1. Rae*

      Eww no. That’s gross.

      I filtered by religion, age, inclined towards rural areas and someone fluent in my primary language. Even that seems like a lot.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Those don’t seem like excessive filters, if that’s the type you want. Shows you’ve put some thought into your profile. I’m leery of guys in their fifties who supposedly want to date women ages 18-99. Really? Makes them sound desperate, slapdash, and/or creepy.

      2. neverjaunty*

        I could see someone of a minority ethnic group deciding they get enough crap from majority ethnic groups in daily life and don’t need it in their dating life. But otherwise, what’s wrong with people?

      3. LadyCop*

        I haven’t done online dating…but I also don’t see why it’s explicitly wrong.

        Afterall, I have dated men who are not the same race or color as me…but I also do not find myself universally attracted to all men. While I don’t think I would inherently use a filter, (afterall you never know ;) ) I don’t blame people for trying to find someone they might be more physically/culturally/whateverlly attracted to with a simple filter…

      4. Thursday Next*

        I could see wanting someone who,shared your language or religion, or non-majority experience.

        I guess it’s the difference between saying I’m looking for someone who’s Indian/Hindi-speaking like me, vs. I don’t want someone X or Y or Z.

        (My husband and I are different races & religions, and our only common language is English. But I definitely understand wanting to be with someone as a life partner who shared important practices.)

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I don’t think there’s an option for that on the dating site I used pre-boyfriend, but I wouldn’t have if it had been an option.

      I think if you want to marry within your religion and your religion/sect is heavily concentrated with people from a certain ethnicity, then it’s a little more understandable. But since my religious preference is “generally secular,” that wouldn’t have been a factor for me.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        OkCupid, at least the paid option, has filters and ways to search by interests.

    4. Clever Name*

      I don’t. I went on a date with a guy from India and had one scheduled with a guy who listed himself as “Latin” (but didn’t show up). I have noticed I haven’t been swiping right on Asian guys or black guys, and I’m not sure what to think about that. :(

      1. Zona the Great*

        Eh, I don’t think there’s much to think about that. People are attracted to whom they’re attracted to. I’m white and Jewish and I’ve only dated one white guy and I would rarely swipe right on them either. Ain’t no thang. Worry when you wouldn’t “swipe right” on a potential employee, neighbor or friend who is a PoC.

    5. Little Bean*

      No. Of course, most people probably do some mental filtering after they see a picture, but would never put a blanket ban on an entire ethnicity.

    6. HannahS*

      No, never. I don’t find it’s a factor in who I find attractive. I filter by a lot of other things–including some things that I’ve gotten flack for–but not ethnicity. I filter by religion, which does wind up being majority Ashkenazi guys, but even the Jewish dating pool is more diverse than people think.

    7. Triplestep*

      Are we talking about filtering FOR certain ethnicities or filtering OUT certain ethnicities ? Judging by the answers so far, it looks like people are taking this both ways – sometimes in the same response!

      I am Jewish – moderately observant and definitely culturally Jewish. I used dating sites when they were in their infancy and I was between marriages; I was OK meeting guys who were Jewish or nothing, but did not want to meet a man who had a non-Jewish religion he was practicing or was raising kids in. (I was a single parent, as were a lot of the men I was meeting.) The filtering would not return accurate results for this; it may have improved by now. Still, I did not want to date/fall for someone whose life would not mesh well with mine/my kids. Nothing “gross” about that!

    8. Anonymosity*

      I never used it that way. But I absolutely filtered by religion. I figured that if church were important to him, we probably wouldn’t get along. Because I am not religious and did not want future children to be raised with a rigid mindset the way I was. That is true for any faith– I wouldn’t want to be with a judgy Buddhist any more than I would want to be with a judgy Christian.

      Of course, it didn’t really work for me; I never found anyone while using any dating sites, so YMMV. I think that’s because of where I am, however, not the actual services themselves.

  14. nep*

    There’s a nice piece in the Guardian about the Thai cave rescue–one of the divers saying, basically, we really don’t know how this worked. But they felt it was the only decent shot they had.
    (Crazy how things collapsed in there just after the last person came out.)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      My DVR recorded a 20/20 episode about the cave rescue. I didn’t watch it yet, but I’m looking forward to seeing it this weekend. So glad they all got out.

    2. BeenThere*

      So glad they were all successfully rescued! I would start to get mini panic attacks every time I read about the process!

    3. Mimmy*

      It is such a miracle that they all got out safely–just before things collapsed!–and that they are in relatively good condition. I think I heard this morning that everyone will be going home to their families soon.

      I am slightly irked that they’re already talking about making this into a movie. Very opportunistic if you ask me.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        If the money goes to either the boys or to the rescuers, I’d be okay with it.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I was obsessively following the story all week and I almost cried when they confirmed that all 13 were out. It was exactly the spot of good news and hope that the world needs.

      1. Mimmy*

        I got teary-eyed watching the story about it on the evening news. I was very pleased to see that the top story that day was one of hope rather than sadness or hate.

        What I found interesting was that there were several “miracle” stories that day: 1) all passengers on a small plane survived after crashing into a mountain (in Alaska I think?) and 2) an infant found alive and in good condition after being abandoned in the woods for, I believe, 9 hours.

        1. Thursday Next*

          That infant story was intense.

          I’m so glad the boys and coach got out of the cave, though sad that an ex-SEAL died prior to the rescue.

    5. Temperance*

      I honestly have been super busy at work so I haven’t been able to figure out how the kids got into that cave in the first place. I’m glad they were recovered, sad for the man who lost his life helping.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        It was dry when they went in. The monsoon season usually doesn’t start until July, but there was an unexpected heavy downpour that flooded their path.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. I read they took out so much water that they flooded out the fields of near by farmers. The government is compensating those farmers. One woman declined the compensation. I guess she wanted the government to put it towards something for someone else. Amazing.

        2. jojobeans*

          I live nearby (one province over) and…that’s not quite accurate. Just when the rainy season has officially begun is subject to much debate. Officially it sort-of began in late May. However, the really excessive humidity didn’t kick in until about a week or two ago. Before that we would have about a week of daily rain, then a week of sun and dry skies. Now we’re back to daily rain again that seems to be here to stay.

          So really, rainy season was far enough into effect by then that going into a cave like that probably wasn’t the brightest decision. However, they were kids, they live here, and while rain that particular afternoon was likely, it wasn’t guaranteed. Honestly, I’ve discovered that most weather reports are, at best, 50/50. So…make of all that what you will.

          Also, can I say that living locally I had been following this story since the day after they disappeared and by the point they were discovered, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that they were going to find bodies.

          It was an INCREDIBLE moment when they announced that all 13 had been located, alive and in decent health for what they had undergone.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I think the whole world cried tears of joy. It could be one of us or one of ours in that cave. And we all needed to see the power of everyone pulling in the same direction.

      2. Mimmy*

        I posted about their rescue on Facebook, and a relative made a comment that the coach should be arrested for child endangerment. I too was wondering if he should be held accountable, but as Detective Amy Santiago points out, it sounds like they were not expecting the heavy rains to occur when they did.

        1. Thursday Next*

          He also did an incredible job of keeping the kids’ morale up. Reports said the coach was the weakest upon discovery because he’d been giving the kids all the food.

        2. Engineer Girl*

          It’s always disappointing to hear judgements of this type from people who haven’t bothered to research the details.

          First off, kids are given a lot more responsibility and freedom in many countries. They aren’t bubble wrapped like they are in the US. The children knew these caves systems already. They went there as part of a birthday trip.

          Yes, the cave floods. But the sign said to stay out from July forward. It was June when they went in and there was no expectation of flooding. Weather stations are farther apart in that area and there are microclimates. It’s much harder to predict weather and flooding at any one specific location.

          As stated, the coach gave away his own food and taught the kids to meditate. This kept them calm so that they were still alive when found. Remember, the coach kept them alive for over a week -‘a remarkable feat.

          Somebody died. The coach will carry that with him for the rest of his life. Will arrest punish him more? I doubt it.

          Most people involved with caving and cave rescue recognize that this was one of those bad luck situations. The coach wasn’t some irresponsible jerk that blew past the warning signs. Sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes people die. Trying to hold someone accountable under those conditions ignores the fact that “there but for the grace of god go I”

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I read one article that said the kids went in the cave and the parents asked the coach to go in and find them. In other words he went to get them out, he did not lead them in there. Kids are often know to blow past signs. So do adults. I know I have.
            He was the last one out also. So he put everyone else before himself. Granted we expect him to do that, but that does not lessen the risk he bore. He did everything people could expect given his givens.

  15. Kate Daniels*

    Best website/app for planning vacations and travel? I have not traveled internationally for about a decade, but recently it’s all I can think about doing. I am planning on setting aside a certain amount of my salary a month (TBD) for a travel budget so I can take 1-2 trips a year.

    1. Prufrock*

      I highly recommend TripAdvisor. We take 2-3 vacations a year and use this site/app regularaly to help decide what to see and what tours/restaurants etc. are recommended.

    2. AMillonStreetlights*

      Citymapper currently has around 40 cities on its app, and makes using public transport in a strange city really easy.

      They are adding new cities too.
      Also second TripAdvisor :-)

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      I researched a ton of different sites for a trip to Paris last year
      * 3 generations of family, different interests / arrival dates / schedules / hotels
      * Trip Adviser was good for food, but didn’t always match what my local sources told me
      * Wikipedia was a great place to start for sites of interest beyond museums (gardens, for my family)
      * Google Maps to pin eat site and get directions (see map in link)
      * Spreadsheet to compile site hours and reservations

      Google Maps guided us through Paris transit like a *dream*. The spreadsheet meant we knew which days we had reservations (Eiffel was 1hr-ish in lines instead of 4 – 6 without reservations; Statue of Liberty can not be climbed without reservations months in advance), and we also could get up in the morning and see what museums were open that day – they’re all on different schedules. Doing the research ahead of time let us focus on *doing* instead of *deciding*, or worse yet, heading out to a museum only to find it closed!

    4. Jules the 3rd*

      I guess moderation ate a couple of posts… will try one last time without the Google Maps link.

      Family Paris trip, last summer:
      * 3 generations, different interests
      * Trip Adviser good for food, though locals told me many of the recommendations were tourist cr*p
      * Wikipedia for sites of interest beyond museums (eg, Gardens)
      * Google Maps, saved map, with sites of interest pinned, shared to the family
      * Spreadsheet with museum hours / reservations (Eiffel saved hours of waiting in line; NYC’s Statue of Liberty can’t be climbed without reservation)

      The saved Google map meant when we decided where we wanted to go, we could just hit the pin on our cell phones and get directions. Google had excellent links to Paris public transport.

    5. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Second all of the above and would also add that once you have a rough plan for accommodation/specific sights, Instagram is a great resource for getting a closer look. If I’m waffling between two accommodation options I always try to find recent Instagram posts to see pictures.

      Also, I really like Roadtrippers for, you guessed it, roadtrips. In the planning stages I tend to use the website to map it all out and then on the trip I use the app for reference.

    6. Almost Violet Miller*

      In addition to what other commenters listed, there’s Google Trips.
      If you use Gmail (dunno if it works with other e-mail providers), it collects your reservations so you have easy acces to them.
      The app offers itineraries and links the Google ratingss/reviews of sites and restaurants etc.
      You can save these addresses on a map under different categories.
      I use this app to summarize what I have found on TripAdvisor and other apps.

    7. It happens*

      Depending in how you like to travel I would also recommend lonely planet’s thorn tree threads for general and specific info on different places. Everything from best time of year to go somewhere to what the must see and no one ever sees (so you totally should) to how to get from a to b. I also like starting with books…

    8. CurrentlyLooking*

      I’ve only used this domestically, but I like Open Table for restaurants when traveling. There are good descriptions and reviews and you can easily pick a restaurant that has availability that same evening.

    9. Jessi*

      Sky scanner for flights – it looks at all the flights and then you can choose The cheapest one I always go to the airlines website and book directly though.

      I use booking (dot) com to find accommodation. Depending on where you are going Airbnb or vrbo might also be options.

      I use google, and trip advisor to figure out what I want to do and see

      Trip advisor

    10. CAA*

      I like Rick Steves’ books for Europe. Also, Frommer’s, Fodor’s, and Lonely Planet for anywhere. When we pick a place to go, I like to check out as many e-books from the library as I can about the place and read a little and look at their suggested itineraries. Then I pick and choose to put together a rough itinerary that addresses our interests. Once I’ve done that, then I post it in the TripAdvisor forums and/or the Rick Steves forums and usually get some great feedback and suggestions. I find it a little overwhelming to just start reading at TripAdvisor without having a rough itinerary first. That’s just too much scattershot info for me, but YMMV.

      Once I know where we’re going, then flights are the next thing I look for. Lately I like Google Flights the best. One trick I use is to have a list of airports that we can get to relatively cheaply and would be willing to start a long-haul from. For example, we can fly to SFO on Southwest and stay with family the night before a trip and will usually find flights out of there or OAK that are much cheaper than our home airport (SAN), even accounting for the extra cost to get to SF. I’d also be willing to spend a night near LAS, PHX, or LAX if it was worth it financially. So what I do to find flights, is go to Google flights and click on the From box to expand it and then use the + sign to add all my airports. Then I put in the destination country and pick flexible dates so it will search all the airports at both ends. Right now, I can see that the cheapest two-week round trip ticket to Spain in October is $455 from LAX to MAD. It only costs us $75 to get back and forth to LAX, and the cheapest flight from SAN is over $600 more, so it’s definitely worth it to fly out of LA for this trip.

      After I find flights and make any needed adjustments to the itinerary, then I book hotels. I usually use a combo of hotels.com and booking.com. I haven’t found AirBnB or VRBO to be useful for us, because city hotels that include breakfast and are close to public transit are usually a better deal and we prefer them. My BIL and SIL like to stay out of town and rent cars and do their own shopping and cooking, so they use VRBO all the time and really love it. It totally depends on your own preference, so think about your own travel style and book accordingly.

    11. Marion Ravenwood*

      I tend to use Lonely Planet or blogs. I follow quite a few travel bloggers on Twitter and at least one of them has usually been to the destination I want to visit.

    12. Engineer Girl*

      I use multiple tools for planning and execution.

      I usually go to Trip Advisor when trying to figure out attractions and special restaurants. I create a list of must-see Vs. nice to see. Next I cluster the must-sees geographically. From there I create a list of activities on a day by day basis.

      Next is transportation between points. Can I get away with public transportation? Is it better to rent a car or hire a driver?

      During this time I create a spread sheet in Excel. I list my daily activities. Then I try to find lodging for the end of each day. I try to arrange my lodging directly with the hotel, but Booking.com is good too. This also goes into the excel sheet. I have fields for all websites (activities, hotels) and phone numbers.

      Now I buy my plane tickets. I like Google Flights, Hipmunk, Skyscanner. After that I buy hotel and where possible, attraction reservations. Bonus points if they have e-tickets that go on my phone.

      The next tool I use is Tripit. I enter everything into Tripit and it syncs with the Tripit app on my phone. Now everything is in one place with an easy way to look at it. (This is slightly redundant with the Excel sheet)

      I also print out my Excel spread sheet and put that in the front pocket of my luggage. Just in case we get separated (unlikely, I’m carry on only). I also put a copy on my phone.

      I like GoodReader for storing my documents. It is encrypted and password protected. I make PDF copies of all my reservations. I also download the contract of carriage for my airlines.

      My App summary:
      GoodReader (off line document storage)
      Tripit (trip organization)
      Apps for each of my banking institutions
      Apps for each airline I’m flying
      Kindle (for books)
      iXpand Drive (offline storage of photos – syncs with a thumb drive)
      Flight Update (gives Real Time updates of your flight status – syncs with Tripit)
      Airport Maps (which terminal has what services)
      Flight Stats (gives arrive/departure/status for your flights. Gives average delays for your flights. some flights are WAY worse than others One panel shows equipment changes etc.)
      Packing (packing lists that you generate)
      Google Maps (great for finding public transportation routes)

      I’d also recommend a T-Mobile plan for traveling overseas. They have free unlimited data roaming. You must have been a customer for more than the length of your trip.

    13. NMFTG*

      Combine. There’s not one website.

      You want one website to compare flight prices (my country’s one is irrelevant for you, sorry), and chose between different routes. Of course, if you use a bonus program (for Europe, both Star Alliance and One World e.g.) to search, and you might want to use that. For Europe, if you can’t find anything else cross airlines, Trivago might do.

      A different website for hotels – for Europe I would recommend both booking.com and tripadvisor. You get a good idea of the price range, if you’re in the planning stage.

      For sights etc. I would get a cheap lonely planet book (or similar) to get “highlights” and google a bit for the rest. Newspaper highlights might be good, let’s say you want to go to Edinburgh, a UK newpaper article of “the best new restaurants in Edinburgh” will give you great places. And different places than an international guide, and more current (and non-touristy) than tripadvisor.

      When you’re planning your flight – seatguru.com is INDISPENSABLE. It will let you find info on the different seats (assuming you care, you might not!) on the different airlines’ planes on your potential flight, including pros and cons, and help you decide what you want to PAY for, and what you don’t care about. I’m NOT willing to pay extra for a seat that will turn out to be next to the infant bassinet for a long haul, for example, but you might not mind at all! :-)

    14. Hamburke*

      I’m using TripIt to organize this year’s Vaca. I email it my confirmations and add anything that doesn’t have a confirmation email (like our national park passes) Hubby and I can both add things to the trip, kids can view it, we can upload our travel documents in case something gets lost, it alerts when flights are delayed. It doesn’t help with actual to-do items and I like that bc it’s streamlined with what I input.

      1. Engineer Girl*

        Tripit saved me when I accidentally folded my phone in my aunts hide-a-bed. I just logged in via my aunts computer and printed out my flight information that way.

    15. Kate Daniels*

      Thank you all for these great suggestions! I’m looking forward to starting to plot out a few trips.

    16. A username for this site*

      Trip Advisor got busted last year for forcing crime victims to take down their negative reviews of hotels, hospitals, etc., warning others about the potential for being harmed when visiting those locations.

      They claim they have fixed this and included a warning about locations that have been garnering negative reviews due to crime, but you can’t be too careful.

  16. The Other Dawn*

    I’m looking for suggestions for meals I can batch cook and then freeze. I know I can Google these things, but I like hearing from others what works for them.

    My husband recently got switched to second shift (3 pm-11 pm) after being on first for 10+ years. We’re hoping it’s temporary; supposedly it is, but we’ll see. These first two weeks…have not gone well. It’s been a rough two weeks getting used to a new sleep schedule (him), figuring out what to do with ourselves since we’re both alone all week and don’t see each other until the weekend, and not having dinner together. We’re both back to eating like crap. I wasn’t very motivated to cook when we ate dinner together, and I’m even less so now that it’s just me. I realize I can cook a meal and leave a plate for him in the fridge, but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it. I find that I get home from work, feed the cats, scoop the litter (if he hasn’t already), then plop down on the couch to watch TV until bedtime. My dinner is whatever I can find or feel like eating (or impulse buys at the grocery store since I’m hungry), and that has NOT been good for me. And it’s not good for my husband because he’s doing the same thing when he gets home at midnight. I didn’t cook, so he’s grabbing whatever most nights. We’ve also had some takeout in the fridge, which kind of justified (in my mind) me not cooking. This has to stop.

    I’m prepared: Last week I bought a whole bunch of Pyrex storage containers that I can freeze and microwave. I got the two-cup size and he gets the four-cup size. I also bought some of their three-cup rectangle containers (have to say, though, the lids do not fit tightly at all on these). And I have various Zip Loc and Rubbermaid disposable storage containers. So, I’ve got lots of containers I can fill with decent food, whether it be stews, chili, casserole, meat, etc. I’m also armed with an Instant Pot, so I can pressure cook and slow cook. I have a freezer full of meat (chicken breast, a turkey (?), whole chickens, ground beef and turkey, pork, I think a ham, stew meat, Italian sausage–both pork and turkey, and a few other odds and ends). I have a cabinet full of rice; various grains like bulgar and wheat berries; pasta, including cous cous; and some other things.

    I’m looking for meals that aren’t all pasta, though some is fine. I don’t eat it anymore (weight loss surgery, plus it’s just not my thing) and my husband needs to limit it (diabetes, newly diagnosed). Probably not soups, because it’s just not filling. I’m up for anything, whereas my husband has a pretty simple palette and isn’t very adventurous. He leaves around 1:45 pm and I get home around 5:30 pm. He can do some prep before work before he leaves, but probably not much–yet! I’m thinking of grilling some meats that I can use later as an ingredient for other dishes. Maybe I can precook some ground beef and turkey, too.

    (Before anyone says my husband needs to take responsibility for his own diet and feeding himself, he’s working on that: he picks his own healthy snacks and actually eats them; he takes his own blood readings [his dad wouldn’t do that for himself for the first five-odd years he was diabetic, or give himself insulin shots, or prepare anything–even a sandwich!–for himself]; and he will cook his own breakfast or something very simple if he’s eating lunch at home [his mom HATES to cook and burns everything, so he never had any kind of role model in that department]. It’s a work in progress.)

    2. Red Reader*

      I’ve had good luck with throwing a bunch of boneless chicken parts in a crockpot with a jar of (bean and corn for me, but whatever type you like best) salsa, shredding it when it’s cooked and using that as a meal base, and I would think it would freeze fine – then once you thaw a serving, goes well on chips, wrapped in a tortilla, mixed with rice.

      Chili – two big and one regular can of diced tomatoes, two cans of beans, one bag of frozen corn, and protein of choice all together in a crockpot, seasoned to taste. Freezes great.

      Simmer sauces, all good for crockpot meals that freeze fine:
      sweet and sour, good for chicken or pork or meatballs – mix one bottle of Russian or catalina salad dressing, one jar of apricot preserves (works with sugar-free preserves too), and one box (both packets) of onion soup mix.
      Honey garlic: mix equal parts (1/3 cup?) ketchup, soy sauce and honey, plus minced garlic (I buy it jarred, so I use two heaping spoonfuls). This one is good on chicken, pork and fish, though I’m not sure how you’d go about freezing/reheating it with fish in a non-obnoxious manner. Hah.

      My go to when I’m feeling lazy of a morning is to throw a packet of chicken drumsticks into the crockpot with a big glug of something – bbq sauce, Italian dressing, or just by itself and I can sauce it later if I’m indecisive.

      1. only acting normal*

        Seconding chilli. Also lasagne and bolognese sauce both freeze and reheat well (the freezing softens cooked beef mince really nicely).

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Yes to lasagne and bolognese! I tend to make a ‘base’ bolognese sauce (which can also be used for lasagne) without the herbs – I add those when I reheat it – and then tweak it for chilli by adding spices, kidney beans etc.

      2. Red Reader*

        My husband does batch cooking for his work lunches – he does a batch of chicken parts or a whole pork tenderloin plus a couple pounds of potatoes in his sous vide cooker and portions it out every morning to take, along with part of a bag of frozen veg. I wouldn’t freeze the potatoes, but they last in the fridge for a week, apparently. (He cooks Sundays and eats it M-F.) But the meat would be fine either to freeze or put in the fridge for a few days – He’s done pork tenderloins with applesauce, lemon pepper, Tex-mex seasonings, bbq, I don’t know what-all else.

        1. Red Reader*

          Meat loaf? (I’m supposed to be working. Procrastination with other people’s meal plans is way more fun. :-P ) Form it into patties like burgers, rather than the traditional loaf shape. You can freeze it in portions way easier that way, plus it’s already a good shape for a meatloaf sandwich.

          1. Detective Amy Santiago*

            I’ve seen the suggestion to do meatloaf in muffin tins for individual servings.

            1. Red Reader*

              That works too. We do patties and then bake it on a grill pan so the extra grease drains off :)

          2. SpellingBee*

            This is brilliant! I’ve heard of the muffin tin idea but patties would indeed be easier for sandwiches, and will cook faster. Have you ever tried grilling them like hamburgers? I’ve done meatloaf in a smoker, which is delicious – if I fire the smoker up I put several things in to make the most of the time and effort.

            1. Red Reader*

              I “oven-grilled” them the same way I do hamburgers during the winter, and they came out great! We haven’t tried grilling them on the actual grill yet.

      3. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I’ll second the salsa chicken. It does freeze well and you can use it to make burrito bowls, tacos, nachos, quesadillas, etc.

        Word of advice: don’t use a salsa that is very high in sugar content. It does not go well.

    3. Red Sky*

      I use this as a base for several meals throughout the week. Tacos, salads, nachos, enchilada casserole etc.
      Mexican Shredded Chicken-
      Dump 4 chicken breasts in the crock pot with your favorite salsa or sauce, cook until done then shred and refrigerate or freeze.

      Black Bean & Corn Salsa-
      Combine 1 can black beans, one can Mexicorn or regular canned corn, 1/2 cup of your favorite salsa, juice from half a lime, some chopped cilantro, some chopped onions and chilli powder to taste depending on your heat tolerance.

      I also make sure to have a big box of lettuce/salad Spring Mix, cherry tomatoes and bagged shredded carrots in my fridge at all times so it’s super easy to put together a quick salad without having to do a lot of prep.

      1. WellRed*

        I like the way you eat. And think. Seconding pre shredded salad stuff. For the crockpot chicken, do you cook it on high? For about how long. Serious question. Those of us who don’t cook really need more specific info ; )

        1. Red Sky*

          Thanks! I usually cook it on high for about 3-4 hrs I think. I know it’s done when it starts to break apart if you try to pick it up with a fork.

        2. Red Reader*

          Low for 4 hours or high for 2 should do the trick, unless you have seriously monster thick pieces of chicken. (I prefer lower for longer myself.) You can actually crockpot roast a whole chicken too, put some carrots on the bottom so it doesn’t stick and put it on low for about 4-6 hours.

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Frozen burritos? I’ve made regular bean burritos and breakfasty ones with eggs and stuff. It takes a little trial and error to figure out how long to microwave them, but they’re super easy to grab when you don’t want to cook and you can make them decently healthy with added veggies and stuff.

      1. WellRed*

        How do you keep the tortillas from being mushy when you thaw them? I can’t even make one the day before for lunch without it being a bit mushy.

        1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

          I don’t know! I haven’t run into that issue before. I always let my filling cool before assembling them, and then microwave straight from frozen. Actually, if I don’t remember to cover them with a bowl or damp paper towel in the microwave the edges of the tortillas get a little too dry and hard. Maybe your filling is too moist?

          1. Kuododi*

            My dear sister does the breakfast burritos for her family and sz the trick for her is making certain the scrambled eggs and potatoes are cooled down before she and the kids.set up an assembly line to put the burritos together with cheese and wrap with foil for freezing.

            Something I will do for dinner occasionally is chop a couple of heads of cauliflower and mix in a pan with a pound, pound and a half of link sausage chopped in bite size pieces. I will saute the cauliflower/sausage mix with olive oil, curry powder, basil and season salt to taste. Sometimes I will add a light dusting of cayenne pepper if the spirit moves me!!!! DH loves that stuff and will eat it by the washtub full. I’m not sure if it would take well to freezing. Never had enough left for that to be an issue.

    5. ket*

      As a Minnesotan, the classic answer is casseroles… but they’re so big & annoying to reheat…. Picking up on your idea of precooking meats to use as ingredients later, I think it’s great: batch cook a bunch of ground meat with taco seasoning and chopped onions and etc, batch cook some veggies, batch cook the shredded chicken, and then during the week you can take a chunk of taco meat and some veggies and add some fresh cheese/fresh lettuce or peppers/fresh tortilla and you have taco night. Even beans and rice freeze. Having all the components ready to go makes things easier. Meatballs are great for this too — homemade meatballs are so tasty, and you can just pick 3-5 out of the freezer bag and have enough for a meal.

      One approach I really liked & used for a while was Melissa Joulwan’s cook-up Sunday. I put a link in my username to one discussion. When I was living alone & had a very predictable schedule, it worked very well to just take 2 hours on Sunday night and cook two kinds of meat, prep 4 kinds of veggies, and make one fun thing (a sauce or something) and just eat that for the next 5 days: a bowl of meat/veggie 1/veggie 2/sauce or seasoning. With the mix & match, it was easier to avoid boredom.

    6. Meal prep aficionado*

      Literally all I eat every day for lunch (and it’s my fav meal of the day):
      -ground beef or turkey, cook in pan with cumin and onion and Goya adobo seasoning (in the “latín” aísle)
      -veggies: I do broccoli, boil a bit then sautéed (?) with some red pepper flakes and salt
      -rice in rice cooker in the background.
      -mixed veggies: kidney beans, carrots, corn. I use canned but tryna switch to frozen.

      I can get 6-8 lunches done in an hour, only takes 2 pans to cook (one big pot to boil broccoli then sauté in it, and one for meat and then veggies after).

      To be healthier I do only a little rice for each Tupperware, then heavy on the rest.

    7. OhNo*

      How do you feel about soups and stews? About every other month, I make a crockpot’s worth each of beef and barley stew, beef and potato stew, split pea soup with ham, chicken and rice soup, and minestrone. Then I freeze it in two-cup servings in mason jars, and bring it to work for lunch and eat it whenever I can’t be bothered to cook.

      I personally make soups because it’s only about half an hour of chopping veggies that are used in all the recipes, then putting all the slow cookers on and getting to relax. You could do something similar with other recipes that all use the same ingredients, where you just add a different protein to each one.

    8. Madeye*

      Check out the Domestic Geek youtube channel. She has several mealprep playlists. If you’re interested in 5 minute microwave mug meals check out the Gemma Stafford channel. The recipes are pretty healthy.

    9. Hannah*

      I find you can freeze almost anything. It doesn’t have to be just chili/sauces stuff.

      Right now, I have chicken curry over rice with sides of lentils and cooked spinach made into frozen dinners in my freezer. I’ve also done stir frys, chicken divan, eggplant rollatini, and even simple roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables.

      I mean, I wouldn’t try a steak dinner, or an assembled taco, or a green salad. But so much stuff can be made and frozen.

      My motto is if Lean Cuisine can do it, so can I!

    10. CAA*

      Look on SeriousEats.com for their Instant Pot Chile Verde recipe. It is super easy and so good. It would be easy to freeze in portions, microwave it from frozen or thawed, and then just grab a couple of flour tortillas to eat with it.

    11. LCL*

      When I worked second shift, I worked out of a vehicle and never packed a lunch. I always stopped at the grocery stores that had good salad bars and good deli selections. Obviously this only works if there are any suitable grocery stores on his way to work. You can eat healthy this way, if the logistics work for you.

      1. Nines*

        A coworker just shared her brilliance with me. She buys bagged lettuce and fills a container with it before work. Then on her way to work she stops at a Whole Foods type place and fills a small box with whatever toppings she’s in the mood for that day! I was blown away by how easy and smart this was. Why hadn’t I ever thought of that! I’m going to give it a shot soon.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Unfortunately there really aren’t any easily accessible stores on the way into work. He could stop, but it’s out of his way and it’s already almost an hour commute. I like the Whole Foods idea for myself, though. Although, I’ve really have my lifetime fill of salad, so I don’t know how often I’d actually do it.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      Egg dishes in muffin pans.
      * If it’s egg straight into the cup, use the baking spray or the egg sticks horribly
      * I’ve done 1 egg to 1/2 milk, 1/2 bisquik, 1/2 cheese as a base and had it freeze well; I throw in broccoli for me, ham for my kid.
      * Vegetables get a little damp and need extra cook time, or roast before putting them in

      I’m trying ham n egg cups this weekend, just from a googled recipe. I usually try something per a recipe then play around with other ingredients – I really love broccoli/egg dishes.

    13. Thursday Next*

      In the summer, I like to prep lots of salad ingredients, including proteins like chickpeas or white beans, hard boiled eggs, shredded cheeses, and grains. DH adds chunks of rotisserie chicken. Wild rice and quinoa are probably better bets than pasta for diabetes management (I’ve been pre-diabetic).

      Then assemble as the mood strikes! I’m much better at eating salads when I don’t have to put in the prep work at the time of eating.

      I also use this for sandwiches—I like lots of veggies on my sandwiches, so having sliced cucumbers, bell peppers, olives, and tomatoes ready to go fills out the sandwich.

    14. Thlayli*

      I cook and freeze all the time. Non-pasta based stuff i freeze includes:
      1 Stir fries. If you have enough sauce and the meat is cut up they freeze really well after being cooked.
      2 mashed potato – surprisingly this freezes really well. Has to be mashed though
      3 stew – again once potatoes and meat are cut up small it freezes well

    15. L-cJ*

      shepherd’s pie (or technically cottage pie I guess, if you use something other than lamb) if you’re good with potato. Once you’ve cooked it, it freezes and re-heats really well (I usually freeze into portions for lunches) and you can stuff all sorts of veg in with the meat and it just makes more flavour :)

    16. NMFTG*

      For a non stew/curry/soup (which are all excellent) one:

      Quinoa salad/bowl: boiled quinoa (cold), with hummus or guacamole or olive oil as “sauce”, with roasted vegetables (roast beetroots or other root vegetables), boiled eggs (or tuna, salad meats, pulses), fresh salad greens, fresh colourful greeens/herbs, something red (tomatoe, pepper), something onion etc.

      Muffin frittata: oven baked frittata , aka Italian omelet with egg over something. It might be, carbs like potato etc, protein (bacon, blue cheese etc), greens (scallions, broccoli, spinach, kale etc), reds (peppers, tomatoes, baked beetroot)) etc. Do an egg mixture: eggs, cream/milk if you want, corn or potato flour if you want (thickening), seasoning over something tasty that will thicken in the oven in muffin tins (or a big thingy, just use a knife to divide when thickened), put in a hot oven until stiffened.

      Generally, I would like to recommend budgetbytes.com. Shes does do a lot of carbs (espeically in the super frugal days), but if you ignore those, there are loads of lunch friendly make-ahead/left-over recipes that are very lovely. And any pasta dish you can swop to wholemeal/pea/chickpea etc. more to your taste pasta, and any rice for brown rice/quinoa/califlower rice etc.

    17. Ron McDon*

      Pinch of Nom is a UK website (so I appreciate may have some strange ingredients / terms for those in the US) which I have recently discovered and love!

      They have lots of low-fat/low calorie/low carb meals, and lots of casserole/one pot meals. For the one pot meals they usually give instructions for both Instant Pot and slow cooker methods.

      I have made several of their beef casseroles and the baked spaghetti, and my family loved them all!

    18. Observer*

      Actually, soups can be very filling – it depends on what you put in them.

      One thing I used to do a lot was make a soup with chicken, ground vegetables and then a mix of brown rice, lentils and split peas. If I was putting in ground potato (not to often, as it’s finicky to make sure you don’t get lumps), I’d go very low on the rice. If I was low on rice, or wanted to thicken the soup, oatmeal went in.

      When the cooking was done, I’d serve the chicken and soup the first time. Then I’d grind up the chicken (which was very very soft at that point) and mix it back into the soup, and that’s how I’d freeze it.

    19. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, everyone! Lots of great ideas here. I plan to batch cook some chicken breast, ground beef, and taco beef today to get myself started. I have some single-portion chili in the freezer already, so I can work on this throughout the week and we’ll still have food in the meantime.

      I’m not super creative in this department, so I appreciate all the different suggestions. It just never occurs to me to make up meal bowls, taco/burrito ingredients and things like that. I’m always thinking: meat, starch, veggie, rinse and repeat, with an occasional meatloaf or Shepherd’s pie thrown in. I guess I need to think a little more creatively.

      Someone mentioned egg/fritatta muffins. Yes, I made those quite often, but just kind of stopped for whatever reason. I think I need to start again.

      1. Lemonworld*

        I’m a little late to the thread, but I’d be a big advocate for a nice daal, which is a lentil-based meal that’s very filling and the spiciness of it can definitely be adapted.

        I eat this one for breakfast every morning and absolutely love it:
        http://www.onegreenplanet.org/vegan-recipe/sweet-potato-and-tomato-red-lentil-dal/

        I also swear by batch-cooking and then storing in individual portion sizes. I’m 98% vegan-for-health-reasons but my husband and son are not, so all my meals get batch-cooked and then I cook a meal for them each evening. The deep freezer is my favourite appliance!

      2. Essess*

        I make sausage gravy and portion into individual freezer bags. Same thing with chili. And bbq shredded pork that I can nuke and toss onto a bun. Rice freezes well too, so I can make individual portions and freeze it then nuke with another other frozen baggie of food to top it for a meal.

    20. An.on.y*

      I recommend the Budget Bytes blog, there’s some great recipes and she put together some meal plans also.

    21. TardyTardis*

      Spanish rice made with hamburger or thinly-cut steak. Spaghetti. Chili. Anything that can be made in a roaster in the Legion size batches.

  17. Birthday girl*

    My birthday is coming up soon, and I don’t do much to celebrate, but I like to treat myself to a birthday dinner. I was looking up the menus at a few local restaurants (there’s not much around here besides fast food) and one said, “Come in on your birthday and get a free entree!” There’s no fine print, at least on the web site.

    The entree that looks the best to me is one of the most expensive things on the menu. I know restaurants that offer free birthday meals do it with the idea that there will probably be other people in the party who will pay full price, but I’ll be alone. I rarely go out to eat, so I probably won’t be patronizing this restaurant again any time soon. Would it be wrong for me to take advantage of the free birthday meal? Would it be wrong for me to order one of the most expensive entrees? (Of course, I would tip generously on the full price of the meal).

    3. Turtlewings*

      I agree about calling first. But yeah, if it’s legit, then go for it. They know what they’re offering, and just because they’re gambling on making money despite it doesn’t make an obligation on your part. Besides, who knows — you might end up recommending that restaurant to someone else, writing a good yelp review, etc.

    4. HannahS*

      I think it’s fine, but personally I’d order salad or a dessert or something as well.

    5. Pam*

      If it does work, and you like them, return for a paid meal at other times, and praise them to friends

    8. Star Nursery*

      Happy Birthday! I agree with others to call first to check if their are any restrictions and be sure to tip based on what full price would have been.

  18. Cherry*

    Had a few drinks at happy hour, drank lotsa water, ate carbs went to the bathroom 5x all night and I am still soooo nauseous ugh. It’s been 12+ hours! I’d like to throw up but it’s not happening. This will get better right? I’ve never had nausea last this long. What do I do OML.

    1. nep*

      Sometimes time is the only thing. (Might it be something you ate? Did you eat anything from a new place or something you normally don’t?)
      Hope you’re better soon.
      Keep drinking the water.
      Peppermint oil is magical, if you’re inclined to try it. If you’re not allergic or it doesn’t irritate, rub it on neck, temples…(even if the ailment isn’t a headache, somehow it just helps).

      1. nep*

        (In fact, if I recall correctly, I think someone on here suggested ingesting peppermint oil for stomach upset.)

        1. only acting normal*

          I wouldn’t ingest the oil (a drop on a tissue that you sniff is good for passing nausea). But peppermint tea is good.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Spirit of peppermint is what I am used to. I think that is different than oil. You can get it in larger drug stores if you look for a long time or ask for help. It comes in a little bottle of a mere few ounces. You only use a few drops in a glass of water.

          And I think someone did say peppermint oil. I looked into the whole thing about not ingesting the oils and I was told by a professional that it probably matters which brand. My dog licks his lavender oil off of himself and my hands. He has been doing this for years and he has not had a problem. YMMV of course and extra caution is always wise. And yes, I now make sure the lavender oil is between his shoulder blades where it’s too hard to reach because he loves the stuff.

    2. FaintlyMacabre*

      Ginger ale (with real ginger if you can find it)

      Dill- made into tea or just sprigs on a cracker help me

    5. Zona the Great*

      Original Alka-seltzer is a miracle treatment for many things from a broken heart to a hangover in my family.

    6. Kuododi*

      If you’re desperate and have nothing else available… make yourself a glass of baking soda water (approximately 2 tbsp to 8 oz H20).

    7. TardyTardis*

      If you do this again, take five monster capsules of evening primrose oil (the 1300’s) before you go to bed. I have field-tested this on New Year’s Eve and at SF conventions.

  19. Nervous Accountant*

    Any tips on making it easy to draw blood? I’ve always had an issue w/ my veins and being diabetic hasn’t helped. At my most recent appt they wasted 1 bottle and went in my hand which still aches and we’re not able to take any more blood.

    1. Red Reader*

      I am a terrible terrible stick. No matter how hydrated I am. I go in and say, I am a terrible stick, give me your best pediatric vampire with a butterfly needle. They go, oh yeah, we hear that all the time, you’ll be fine. Then they try several times, words like “deep” and “rolly” and “Jesus Christ it got away again” come out, and they send in the pediatric vampire with a butterfly needle like I suggested and it works better. Still not perfect, but better.

      So I’d say, make sure you’re super hydrated when you go in, ask for a phlebotomist (I call them vampires because I can’t spell it, thank god for autocorrect) who’s really good with pediatric draws, and ask them if they’ll use a butterfly needle.

      1. CBE*

        I get so annoyed by people who draw blood but WILL NOT LISTEN to people who tell them what works best for them.
        LISTEN TO PATIENTS. BELIEVE THEM. It’s not that hard.

        1. Red Reader*

          Right? I mean, I try to keep in mind that everyone under the SUN comes in there and caterwauls about how terrible a stick they are, and 4 times out of 5 it’s cake, so they’re used to people exaggerating the problem, but no, really, I PROMISE, just bring me a pediatric vampire and a butterfly needle and we’ll all feel much better afterwards, I SWEAR.

          1. OhNo*

            I do wish the folks who draw blood would listen a little better when patients say there’s going to be problems with the blood draw. I know issues aren’t common, but those of us who have them really do know our own situation best.

            I’m at the point now where I don’t even bother trying to explain my circumstances. I just ask what hospital they’re associated with, and tell them to send the order to the lab there, so I can get it drawn from my leg by a professional. If they still try to insist, usually sharing the story of the time I had a panic attack and threw up on two nurses (one right after the other, no less) is enough to dissuade them.

        2. only acting normal*

          I’ve got easy to find and stick veins *except* the one they always go for if I don’t warn them off (and sometimes even if I do warn them off). It looks great, but it’s a weird one that bruises like a mofo.

        3. Hamburke*

          I tell them that if they pull out anything but a butterfly, I’m walking out bc I’m tired of not being listened to and being stuck several times. They look, say I can stick you, pull out a regular needle and I stand up to collect my things and remove the tournecut. I don’t play games.

        4. Anne (with an “e”)*

          You are so right.
          I never will forget the time I had to have blood work done and I told the lady who was drawing the blood that I needed to lie down or I would get sick. Instead, she insisted that I sit in a chair despite my protests. She began to draw blood from my arm. Then, I proceeded to throw up all over her before I passed out.

          Since then they’ve allowed me to lie down while someone draws my blood.

      2. Lora*

        Yes, this. There’s one PA in my doctor’s office who can stick me, first try. He is magic. Everyone else, go get the pediatric butterfly kit.

        Flip side is, everything takes longer if they need to get IV fluids and drugs into you. They can’t just shove it in and give you instant relief. Presumably we would take longer to hemmorhage to death in the wild with our teeny tiny blood vessels?

      3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Bear in mind butterflies are a type of needle not a size of needle. The size is based on the diameter not the length. Butterfly needles come in sizes 18-27 with 18 being bigger and 27 being smallest. So getting stuck with an 18 or 21 gauge butterfly is not going to be less painful or easier than a straight needle of the same size.

      4. Marion Ravenwood*

        I need to try this next time I donate blood. I’m on my third strike (apparently my veins are ‘too small’ for me to donate), but I’m O- so I want to keep donating if I can. Not sure how well it’ll work but it’s worth a shot (no pun intended).

      5. Everdene*

        I could have typed this exact thing. I’ve had district nurses call back ups to my house because they wouldn’t listen that What works for me is a butterfly needle in the wrist. When you have had a procedure many times the patient as expert model is really very accurate.

    2. Red Sky*

      Seconding the butterfly needle, it takes longer but it’s worth it to avoid all the sticks. Also, drink lots of water and ask for a heat pad to hold over your arm/veins prior to being poked. The super cool AC in most medical labs constricts your blood vessels which is the opposite of what you want when your trying to draw blood.

      2. Paquita*

        The heat! When I had my hysterectomy last year I was more scared of getting the IV than being cut. The pre-op nurse wrapped a warm towel around my arm for 20 minutes. Then got the vein on the first try no problem. I have those small deep rolly veins. My doctor office has good vampires now too for just a blood draw.

    3. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      I’m just like Red Reader. If you drink alcohol, don’t have any for at least two days beforehand. Then, double your water intake, and have a big glass before you leave for your test. This isn’t a magic fix, but it helps a bit. Good luck!!

    4. Kathenus*

      A warm washcloth placed over the vein area for the stick can sometimes help make the veins more accessible.

    5. Almost Academic*

      We used to do pediatric sticks in our research lab. We always made sure the kids drank a full bottle of water about an hour before the stick, kept the blood draw room warm, and for the ones that had tiny veins had them hold a heating pad / hand warmer in their hands for a few minutes and during the blood draw.

      Also we had a really good pediatric phlebotomist and some really tiny butterfly needles on hand, so second making those requests if you can.

    6. Soupspoon McGee*

      I have tiny veins, so this is what helped me:
      -Several hours before a blood draw, I eat something salty and drink Gatorade. Salt retains water, which plumps your veins.
      -I drink lots of water and cut back on caffeine.
      -I schedule them for afternoons, when I’m likely to be warmer.
      -Right before, I drink something hot. Then I warm up my hands and arms by running them under really warm water. Those little warming packs help, but aren’t enough.

    7. Nervous Accountant*

      Wow thanks everyone. I’ll try all of these. I just always feel so ashamed every time that it’s the diabetes. Comforting to know that others have the same problem.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I know you’ve written about your mother saying you “ruined yourself” by not taking care of yourself when you were younger, but you were a kid, or teenager, or young adult, right? That’s time a lot of people have done stuff they regret. I think you need to forgive yourself.

      2. WellRed*

        Please don’t be ashamed of the diabetes. It’s a complicated disease with lots of causes and factors and frankly, it’s not exactly rare and unusual.

      3. Not a Mere Device*

        Even if it’s the diabetes rather than random variation, diabetes is a common medical condition that doctors, nurses, and phlebotomists should be familiar with and able to handle.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep, quit blaming the patient when they are the ones not paying attention.
          Decades ago, we used to talk about a man here, who was not a medical person, but he could get blood out of anyone. He decided he was going to learn how to draw blood and he did. (This was part of his work.) People came from all over the area just to see him because he had such a good rep for knowing what to do.

      4. Denise*

        Don’t be ashamed. You deserve good care. Tell them you’re a hard stick AND YOU’RE SCARED and ask who’s really good. We have a couple of really good techs in our clinic and some people just have a gift for it.

      5. Go for it*

        Behave normally?

        I have shit veins (skinny, small blue veins that don’t show it there’s an actual emergency) that are tricky to find for the inexperienced. Being cold-blooded doesn’t help. Oh, you mean there’s a shade of pink there that means blood? Yeah, whatever, haha, is how I feel.

        I’ve realised that as long as I stay positive, (okay, I admit) slighly overly perky and doing a “Yes! that’s so difficult to find!” and being positively surprised at their skill, everybody mostly stays calm and if they need to poke more than three times, as blood whisperer will come. For me being dressed for warm (cold = no blood), being upfront and telling it might be a problem, especially if they need to put things in and might want to do a thingy in the hand if, a “same line” ??), and being game to be poked quite unnecessarily, everybody will be more prepared.

        But yeah, possibly, saying, “yeah, I’m a bit cold-blooded and my veins are shy, sorry”, is different than saying OMG IM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE AND YOU ARE NOT COMPETENT, and you get different responses.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          I don’t think anyone here is being a special snowflake? Normally I’m OK but that day I was freaking out already over the appointment itself.
          My previous PCP was actually really good with drawing blood and I would only have him do it (pretty much one of the rare tings he was good for).

        2. Nervous Accountant*

          I am not sure that anyone here is acting like a special snowflake. Yes professionals are professionals, but sometime we also know our bodies?

    8. Kuododi*

      My veins are kinda “rolly” but I find they have the best luck in my left arm. (Of course, I have to make sure and stay hydrated.). Additionally I tend to deal better with getting stuck if I can watch the entire process including inserting the needle. When I go to the lab, I just explain what tends to work best regarding blood work. So far I haven’t run into any serious problems with my blood draws. (Knock wood)

    9. Nash*

      I am a hard stick from a family of hard sticks. One tip I’ve got is eat salt and drink more water than you think you need. I usually eat beef jerky, since it’s super salty, but I will lick salt off my hand if I have to.

      Second tip is learn your spots. My elbows and mid-forearms are no-go zones. The backs of my hand are choice. The veins in my wrists are second. Being able to confidently identify my historical good spots drives home that I’m not exaggerating.

      I also set boundaries. They get one try at my elbows, if I know the tech or they have worked oncology. After that, we do the hand with a syringe.

    10. Belle di Vedremo*

      Thanks so much, for asking! The replies are informative. Last time I went for a blood draw she could get to the vein but could get just enough out to show that she got there. And I’m an adverse reaction stick – phlebotomists are always pleased when we’re done to say “see, you didn’t faint” – right before I do…

      Glad to have some things to try, as I’m supposed to schedule my next attempt for the first part of the week.

    1. nep*

      Reckon I should at least give an indication–This made me smile this morning. Caring, conscientious humans.

  21. AvonLady Barksdale*

    My partner and I had a bad (yet short) fight this week that strikes me as a harbinger of things to come. Not in a, we’re-going-to-separate-over-this way, but in a, I-need-to-learn-how-to-handle-this way. He is going into his fifth and, hopefully, final year of his PhD. By next spring, we will be in high-stress crunch time and I am not looking forward to it. He has never been great at managing his stress, and I have never been great at letting things roll off my back. (He doesn’t insult me, he isn’t outright cruel, but he does get snippy and extra sarcastic when he’s very stressed.) I could use some commiseration and advice from people who have been there! Right now, my plan is to just take care of everything and not expect him to do much, but I can’t help but feel like I’m looking down a very dark tunnel. Any ideas? Beyond booking a week for myself at a faraway spa (wouldn’t that be nice)?

    1. TL -*

      I think you should set a minimal level of expectation for him; it’s not realistic for you to do everything for more than a short while – a few weeks to a month. If it’s going to be longer than that, you need to set some bare minimums of how he needs to be contributing, even if it’s just a load of laundry and sweeping once a week.

      As for his stress levels, I learned to treat other people’s stress as their problems, not mine. Just because someone is snippy and sarcastic doesn’t mean I can’t be in a good mood. At worst, I can always just pleasantly excuse myself and go elsewhere. I don’t think this works for everyone, but it actually works really well for me. I just think to myself “So-and-so is moody and that’s not my problem. I’m having a really good day and enjoying the heck out of my ice cream right now.” Then I enjoy my ice cream.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yep – and maybe the two of you find a chance to sit down and talk about it while it’s not an immediate issue. (That is, while you’re not in the middle of having an argument or otherwise unpleasant discussion on the spot.) I have friends who have a code word – when one of them feels like the other is getting snappy at them for unrelated reasons, they say “Well, okay, I’m going to go get a banana split” which basically means “we talked about this and I feel like you’re taking your stress about something else out on me, so I’m gonna go find someplace else to be for a bit and you can be stressy at not-me, let me know when you’ve got it under control and can be respectful to me.” And they both do it, and it seems to work for them. (I just tell my husband that he’s taking his stress out on me and please take himself to his office until he can stop, without the code word, but different strokes for different folks.)

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          I love both of these comments! It’s not on you to manage his feelings, and it might help to just not be in the same space when he’s stressed.

    2. BRR*

      My husband finished his PhD while he was working full time in retail and I was working full time. I had blocked that memory until now haha. We had a couple things that helped: 1) he would leave the apartment to work. I was working at a university at the time and he was able to use it. 2) he would go work in another room and I would pretend I was home alone basically 3) we established that our lives were not going to revolve around his dissertation. Eamsier said that done. Good luck!

    3. Libervermis*

      I am going into the final year of my Ph.D, so I feel where your husband is coming from stress-wise, but it’s *my* job to handle my stress. It’s your husband’s job to learn how to handle his stress without taking it out on you. If you’re in the US he probably gets health insurance through the university – could he go see a therapist for a few sessions tailored around stress management? Does he have any interests, especially physical ones like exercise, crafts, etc that he can prioritize time for as a stress outlet? Can he develop such an interest for the next 9 months at least?

      It may very well be that what’s best for you as a couple is for you to handle everything while he’s in diss/job search mode for a few months. But it’s totally okay to put boundaries around that, to expect him to acknowledge and be demonstrably grateful (in whatever your gratitude language is) for the work you’re doing, and for you to expect that he won’t snap at you because he’s stressed. And I echo other commentators that saying something like “I’m going to leave while you decompress” and walking away (which sounds like something you could practice) is completely acceptable too.

      I think it’s great that you’re looking ahead at a stress point in the future and proactively figuring out how to handle it in a healthy way!

    4. Soupspoon McGee*

      1) You can accept that he will be under stress and decide what role you want to play in alleviating it or helping him manage it.
      2) It’s fair for you to set boundaries with your partner on what behaviors are acceptable.

      I’m in PA school right now, and my partner is an enormous support. When I get stressed, snippy, or overwhelmed, he does not take it personally. He does tell me I seem stressed and then reminds me to drink water, eat something, take a walk, take a break, or whatever other strategies work. Sometimes I need another human to give me permission to get my head out of the books (when I’m that overwhelmed, I’m not retaining much anyway).

      He also calls me on bad behavior — if I’m being sarcastic or short-tempered AT him, he points it out nicely. There’s a huge difference between being generally snarky and directing it a person. I might get defensive, but in the long run, I need to hear it, and I CAN manage it.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      Sit down one weekend and plan all the chores likely to come up over the stressful period (6 – 8mo, ish, I”d guess), like car oil changes and how often you want to clean the bathroom.
      Budget for some help with these chores if you can – like pre-prepped food, pet sitting, etc, so that he can focus on only PhD and you don’t feel overwhelmed. Maybe look into TaskRabbit for stuff like car oil changes, etc, or find someone who will barter something you like to do for something else.
      Schedule activities for you, without him, so that you aren’t bored or lonely, and so that you’re around less for him to get snippy or sarcastic to.

      When I was in my crunch semester of grad school (which was no where near as bad as any PhD I’ve heard about…), Mr. Jules just left me in our spare bedroom to study and went to do his own thing. He let me know what he was doing, generally, and was open to me catching up with people half-way through dinner or leaving early, without ever giving me attitude. His expectation was that I needed to work and any time we got to hang out was a bonus. It was awesome.

      He also cooked for himself, shared if I liked it, and kept the kitchen mostly clean. We didn’t worry a lot about the rest of it until after finals.

    6. Traveling Teacher*

      Create a task board for him/both of you. (Nerd alert!) Might sound silly, but it has helped my own marriage through a rough patch of me working mostly nights, him days, both of us parenting while the other is working, though I get the lion’s share of parenting during the week.

      This is my own experience, if it’s helpful:

      I used a similar setup to our tech-y work task boards using a free app, though a friend of mine is a recent convert and does an analog system with post-its. The setup that works for us currently is: “To Do” column, any relevant dates noted on the task, “Doing” for things in process, and “Done” for all of the tasks that have been accomplished. We’re beta-testing a “To Be Assigned” column, and we also have a backlog set up for home-renovation projects.

      Once my husband started glancing at my “done” column and realizing just how much laundry/dishes/random cleaning tasks I do, he began to tell me how much he appreciated what I was doing and started stealing my tasks. (Because sometimes, it still looks like I did zero things at the end of the day… because toddler + obscenely tiny kitchen). He also started respecting my need for alone time better once he saw that one of my repeat tasks is: “Sit quietly for 10 minutes, relax.”

      For my part, I can “see” all of the budget balancing, email communication for events, and random tax crap he deals with (which, to me, looks like “sitting still and playing on the computer”). I can also see that I clean as I go, whereas he’ll take 4-5 hours to clean everything, both of which are needed but also cause friction.

      We sometimes track time spent, but only for ourselves (like: let’s see if I can get the bathroom clean in 30 mins instead of the avg 45). And, if one of us deals with a random shit-show at home (like, literally. Did I mention we have a toddler?) then we throw it on the board with the label “unexpected crap.”

      Most of the small problems (me doing household stuff when he hadn’t because it would embarrass me when people would come over if the place was cluttered or dishes not done; him ignoring small things I’d asked him to do differently to save cleaning time for me or not telling me when he had planned to do his next grand-clean so interrupting my plans for the day) escalated greatly once we had a kid.

      Also, imo it’s actually really healthy to have some expectations for him. No one can sit and stare at a page/screen 16 hours per day without it driving them bonkers (I know because I have done it… Not sustainable!). A set of small, ongoing tasks (water the plants, take out the recycling, change the sheets and towels) could actually be little respites for him and give him the mental breaks he needs as he takes small breaks during the day while still accomplishing something.

    7. New Phone Who Dis?*

      I made myself very scarce during the serious patches. Picked up extra work hours, joined a hobby group. It even made me exercise.

      I’m fairly high stress myself, So I put tons of effort into doing what I needed to be chill. I couldn’t do a damn thing about his school work, so I took the role of light hearted, happy go lucky, partner, or kept busy.

      This was much easier given I was broke as hell right out of college in ‘09. Give me Alllllll the hours.

      I also insisted on having fun with him. The work will still be there after a day of site seeing/bar hopping/hiking/shopping what have you. But all pleasant experiences can’t stop for months at a time and not have pretty serious consequences.

    8. TardyTardis*

      I suppose a Thorazine dart gun is right out? (sighs). I know, you wouldn’t know where to aim it.

  22. Queenie*

    I would appreciate suggestions for books similar to The Gift of Fear if anyone can think of any.

    I’ve dealt with a lot of deceitful, backstabbing, greedy, creepy, harrass-y, etc. people in my life and find it hard to trust anyone new now. Would like to read some books to help me be able to tell when someone’s a bad person so I can stop assuming everyone is.

    1. Penguin*

      These aren’t how-to guides, but both “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” by Karyl McBride cover behaviors by people (angry/controlling men, and narcissistic mothers/parents, respectively) that I’ve found helpful to understand and be warned about.

    3. Jackie*

      I recommend these books: Narcissism in the Workplace by Dr. Samuel Grier; Survive Bullying at Work by Lorenza Clifford; and The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout.

    4. Mephyle*

      The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and related books by Suzette Haden Elgin. That book is the first one, and she later wrote others in the same vein, such as More on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable, and The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense At Work.

    5. Ginger ale for all*

      I listen to Dave Ramsey and the one book he recommends almost as much as the ones he wrote himself for dealing with difficult people is titled Boundaries. I haven’t read it myself though.

    6. Sami*

      Life skills for Adult Children by Janet Woititz. It’s written for adult children of alcoholics, but it’s helpful for anyone. Carolyn Hax recommends it often.

    7. Patchwork*

      Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t
      by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

    8. Queenie*

      Thank you everyone! I’m going to see if I can get these at the library or from Amazon. I appreciate the help! :)

  23. Myrin*

    YOU GUYS, I’m so happy to be on here again!

    I’ve had only very, very spotty internet for a whole week (the last two days of which where basically “no internet at all”). Lots of calling and waiting and calling and talking to an electrician who didn’t know much more than I do, either, more calling, all the calling and jingle-listening, until it turned out to be the problem I’ve said it was all along: our router broke and had to be replaced.

    The new baby is working like a charm so far (a whole 24 hours now), so fingers crossed!

    1. Libervermis*

      Hooray! I’m sorry you had to spend so much of your life listening to jingles, but I hope the new router continues doing well for you.

  24. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Sighs. Divorce update. Sorry for how long and rambling this is!!

    House is a disaster. My bathroom looked like a family of raccoons had been living in it, kitchen looked like an episode of “Hoarders”, flea infestation, the poor cats’ flea meds were found unused on top of the fridge. Basement looks like recycling was just tossed to take itself to the recycling center. My electric stove was grease saturated, the oven element was burned off (!!!!) and the microwave was beyond help. Thankfully the fridge isn’t too bad. Today I’m going to take everything out of the fridge and freezer sections, and take it to the almost empty deep freeze downstairs to wait for garbage day (Garbage pickup is Wednesday AM very early, and we have bears in the neighborhood). Then I’m sanitizing it. The floor is gross and I swept it and mopped it once but it just needs to be replaced or covered or something. The cabinets and walls need to be scrubbed down to get rid of the thick greasy dirty film covering everything. I wish I could just use a pressure washer.

    I was surprised and not surprised at the same time. I photographed before and after pictures of the kitchen and bathroom, and just started tossing and cleaning. 2 days later, I have a functioning bathroom and a totally cleaned out kitchen, except the fridge and table. And even the table legs are somehow wobbly and I’m going to have to either fix it or toss it.

    He left a lot of clothes in a large pile in the living room, upstairs is a mess too, things strewn about, so I consolidated all the clothes in garbage bags. Found the divorce paperwork I served him, medical paperwork for a scheduled surgery (had no idea), letters from the DMV about moving violations, collection notices, but some of it I just tossed. I also bagged up all his tax stuff from year 2015. He never filed. I guess he might need it. I felt like throwing it away, but wanted to be the better person.

    Arranging for a dumpster, and making a pile for said dumpster, hoping the neighbors don’t hate me. I am throwing away almost everything, donating things to the thrift store, and keeping very little. I’m going to get all new curtains first, and going to tear up the carpet. Gotta deal with the flea infestation too, cats are treated but I have to look at options, like bombs or exterminator, or something. Ugh, I am so upset about all of this.

    Of course my wheelbarrow tire was flat, so I’m taking my bicycle tire pump with me today to pump it up, so I can use it to move things more easily to the dumpster pile. When I did laundry, started to wash towels, sheets, etc., I went outside to hang them up, only to find my clothespins had been scattered all over the back porch, mixed up with leaves and all sorts of junk.

    The yard was mowed once, and only part of it, so there are weeds better than waist high. Good thing there’s no weed ordinance. Again, the neighbors must hate me, but I have to get the house livable before I can tackle the yard.

    So, I have almost everything out of the first floor now, either in the back yard or in the dumpster pile. 2 of my friends came through with a new (to me) stove and microwave, free of charge! I’ll have a functioning kitchen soon. I got a very nice 30″ sink top with fixtures free for pickup yesterday, now on the hunt for a vanity, and I’m going to replace the delapidated vanity/sink in the bathroom. So there are bright spots. I need a toaster, so will keep an eye out. I’ve found if you just tell people hey, I’m looking for X, if you see it keep me in mind, it’s surprisingly easy to find things that way.

    And to top it all off, he informed me he has a girlfriend! I don’t even care. In fact, I wish her good luck. I almost want to send her a Facebook message with pictures of the bathroom and kitchen and advise her not to let her new boyfriend in charge of housekeeping.

    I’m going to tell my attorney about all of it. I hope I have some legal recourse or can get money knocked off the second half of the settlement. This is just ridiculous. It’s going to take days to get this back to livable condition. I took Thursday and Friday off work, going out today and tomorrow, then am going to take half days in the afternoons and spending evenings tossing, organizing, then finally cleaning.

    All in all, I guess it could be worse somehow. I’m not putting money into the house. It’s old and in crappy shape anyway, its worth to me is a free place to live (aside from taxes, electricity, and internet). And that reminds me…he probably didn’t pay the taxes…grrr… I don’t plan to stay in the area long term, but if I can get it livable and stay for a year or so, that would be great. Going to let the neighbors on both sides know it’s for sale. I’m hoping they may each want half so they don’t have a crappy house between them :)

    Thanks for letting me go on. It feels good to share all of this. I’m off for another day of cleaning and tossing!

    1. WellRed*

      I bet you the neighbors already know what a piece of work he is and are glad to see someone is now taking care of things. Toss his stuff if you haven’t already and by all means, see if you can reduce the settlement.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’m sure your neighbors are happy you’re back and cleaning up. He sounds like a terrible person to have as a neighbor.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Maybe hand any of his papers over to your lawyer? Then you’re doing the right thing, he’s looking bad, you’re looking good.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        If the house looks like an episode of Hoarders Lite, I bet your neighbors want to kiss you on the lips when they saw the dumpster show up.

        Your STBX doesn’t have a girlfriend. Just a a maid with benefits. Yuck.

    2. neverjaunty*

      I hope your lawyer can make hay out of this. How great that he’s about to be Not Your Problem anymore!

    3. Red Reader*

      If you think the neighbors would have a problem with the dumpster and if you might have spare room, maybe asking them if they have anything they need to chuck in when you’re done might help with that?

    4. Clever Name*

      Wow. I’m speechless. When you noted that he said he had a girlfriend, I just had to laugh because there’s no way she’s ever been to his place.

      1. WellRed*

        Of course not! He probably instantly mooched onto her and mooched into her house because he is incapable of taking care of himself.

    5. Reba*

      I was glad to get to the mention of friends in there. Hope you are getting help, support, and commiseration as needed. Hang in there.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Re the fleas – yes, there are flea bombs. Get the crap out of the house, you and cats vacate for however long, and let it do its thing. However, assuming you’re using an effective flea treatment that will kill on contact, fleas will be (slowly) naturally killed. So it will start improving naturally even before you can bomb. Between the 2, you’ll be in good shape.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Viva la flea bombs. I’ve lived in situations, though, where even the flea bombs didn’t work, and we had to call in professionals. THAT finally worked.

        Also, if there’s going to be a delay before you can bomb: borax powder will help keep them out of your bed (feels like sleeping in sand, but at least sand doesn’t bite), and I’ve heard that diatomaceous earth can do great things.

      2. Ali G*

        If you want another option to flea bombs you can get diotomaceous earth at almost any hardware store. It kills bugs by desiccating their bodies but is completely non-toxic to pets and humans. Just sprinkle it everywhere, leave it for a day or 2 then vacuum. Repeat as necessary.

        1. Sam I Am*

          Seconding this. Get the “food grade DE” at the hardware or farm store. I had to make sure I cleaned the vacuum in the middle of the cleanup; I found info on how to do that on youtube, it was easy. The DE is a fine powder which can overwork your vacuum if it starts collecting in all the hoses. Non toxic to humans and pets, but it can dry out the skin it comes into contact with. I used dish washing gloves when I was spreading it, kept shoes on while it was spread on the carpet. It can be time consuming but it doesn’t leave any (potentially) toxic residue all over your stuff.

          1. Hamburke*

            DE can cause respritory issues if you inhale it tho (usually with people who already have respiratory issues like asthma).

        3. I Am Still Furious!!*

          I have a 5 lb bag of DE, ready to go! Just clearing stuff off the carpeting and getting things out for the dumpster. My plan is to sprinkle, vacuum, sprinkle, vacuum, and keep the flea traps going (a light above a dish of soapy water). And the cats are treated. And I found that spraying a high concentration Deet bug spray on my lower legs has deterred then from getting on me.

          1. June*

            You can put a flea collar or moth balls (keep them away from kitties – they are poison) inside your vacuum bag and vacuum daily. That should also help kill the fleas. Good luck!

    7. RestlessRenegade*

      Reading this was so cathartic. Your ex reminds me of my ex–totally incapable of doing basically anything. This sounds like what he’d leave behind if he lived somewhere by himself. More importantly, I *love* cleaning, decluttering, organizing, trashing stuff, so while I know it’s a lot of work and likely not fun, it was so rewarding to read about!
      Sounds you’re doing an awesome job. I’d be surprised if the neighbors didn’t know who was responsible for the mess and who’s cleaning it up now. Keep being awesome!

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        My neighbors are thrilled that I’m back, and came right out and said they knew I was the one always doing everything while he did nothing. I apologized for the state of things, and they said they understood and were glad to see me.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Please excuse me if you have already hopped on this one. Those taxes from 2015, maybe consider filing them yourself? I say this because my friend had the same thing happen and years after the divorce the IRS went after HER. So even if she digs herself out she still has a lawyer bill because of it.

      This is not one to let float by. You can save yourself torment in the future.

      My second thought is maybe you can hire some lawn care people to clean up and deduct that from what you owe him. Your lawyer should know the answer here. I am saying this because it would be good if you could get the fleas outside under control as well as the inside fleas. We tend to bring them in with us, or they ease through open doors with us, whatever.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I filed myself for 2015 taxes, as married filing separately. I’m not worried about it, not my problem. I paid my taxes, plus nearly $1K more because I didn’t get the deductions. Grrr….if the IRS comes after me for taxes he failed to file, I’ll tell them to pound sand. They have my money.

    9. Observer*

      This unfortunately is totally not surprising. But, still infuriating. I hope you can get something knocked off the settlement, but I’d say not to expect too much.

      VERY smart of you to take pictures.

      I think the thing that irks me the most is the cats. I get that he is an inept idiot and he also was probably trying to leave you as much trouble as he could, which is nasty but par for the course. But that cats really are just innocent creatures caught in the cross fire. (And I’m not even a cat person. Bu still!)

      So glad he’s not your problem any more!

  25. Nervous Accountant*

    I went to the gastroenterologist appt and I am sure glad I did. Up until halfway through the consultation w the dr I was skeptical and felt it was a waste of time. Well, I had/have fatty liver which if untreated, leads to cirrhosis. They did an U/S and the dr warned me that if my scar tissue was above a # a biopsy would be needed and it’s super serious etc etc. So, yeah, I was freaking out. Thankfully it was low enough that he said it can be reversed with diet & exercise and minimum 10-20% weight loss. I was kicking myself bc right before the appt I had texted a friend jokingly saying “for all the time & effort & money spent on this stupid appt they better find something wrong and not just send me away with ‘lose weight.’”……. mmmm never been more relieved to hear that though.

    1. nep*

      Oh my goodness. Great that you went. Glad your current condition can be addressed with diet and exercise.
      Thanks for the update. All the best.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yes, easier said than done, given my struggles with diet & exercise. But a huge relief.

        1. Observer*

          Yeah, it sounds so simple and it’s never that easy.

          Would it help to find a GOOD dietician who can help you with developing a meal / food plan that works for you. Sometime just figuring out a realistic plan can make a huge difference with the diet part.

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      I’m glad you received mostly good news and that you don’t need the biopsy!
      I just had an upper endoscopy this week. It went really well, but the doc didn’t find anything to explain my outrageous GERD. Says to just keep taking OTC meds. Oh well!

      1. Observer*

        Try “Dropping Acid” by Jamie A. Koufman, Jordan Stern, and Marc Michel Bauer, if you haven’t yet. For a LOT of people, their diet is the key to getting this stuff under control. And the good thing is that what they propose is generally safe. They are also mostly not extreme, although, how far you will need to go depends on how bad your GERD is.

        My husband had really bad GERD and has been able to mostly drop his medication since radically changing his diet, and even when he needs something TUMS is sufficient.

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          Thanks, I’ll look into it! My diet is not great for GERD; I like spicy stuff and eat fried food more than I should. Although, my GERD is so bad that I literally get heartburn in the morning after only drinking water. Even if I fast, drinking water will set it off. So my diet changes might need to be really, really extreme!

          1. Observer*

            What happened for my husband was that he had to go on a crazy limited diet for about 6 weeks, just to get to a point of healing. Then he was able to expand his diet, but it’s still quite limited – which surprises no one who knows his history. He’s had gerd for years. At first he wouldn’t make ANY diet changes although his diet incorporated some of the worst foods for GERD, and even when he finally started making changes, they were baby steps. So, aside from the underlying issues, we’re pretty sure he’s done some permanent damage.

  26. Anon for this*

    Mentions work but not work-related.

    I’m getting married in a few months and, for visa reasons, I can’t work now and won’t be able to work for a few months after we’re married. The money situation isn’t great, but we think we can make it work. And I plan to work on skills that’ll make me more marketable when I can apply for jobs.

    But how do I get over feeling useless for not contributing? For now we’ve agreed I’ll do a greater share of the housework (which I think is fair, so no arguing that point) and he’s okay with me not working for now (I mean, he has to be because I don’t want to get deported), but I still feel really guilty that I almost certainly won’t be able to work until 2019.

    1. LDN Layabout*

      Do you own where you’re living? Housework is one thing, but if there’s a house/flat project you could do or even project manage that’s priceless.

    2. NicoleK*

      Do you like gardening? Growing some herbs and produce can help your financial situation and you’ll feel like you’re contributing to the household.

    3. Confused Publisher*

      You’re not contributing *money* at this point, not not contributing *at all*. In your lives together, at some future time, there may come a day when the roles are reversed.
      I can relate to how you’re feeling because, thanks to illness, I’ve been there. My husband still talks about how he appreciated me taking care of the non-physical errands and taking on all the planning that was involved in getting by with less money coming in, and neither of us now thinks I wasn’t pulling my weight in the relationship just because I couldn’t bring in income at that time.

    4. Reba*

      I know you are asking about contributing in your relationship/household, but what about volunteering? That might fall under “working on skills,” but I’ve been in slightly similar situations (minus the immigration so much less stressful), one where I worked from home on an amorphous longterm project, and another where I was still working on same but also volunteering my time and going to an office on the regular. Having regular work hours and interacting with colleagues made a big difference to my feeling like a productive person.

      If I were in your partner’s shoes, I would think that taking on the burden of planning–home stuff, trips, whatever–would be as big as some of the menial tasks themselves. And yes, as others said, don’t give all the weight to money as the important stuff you bring in.

      Good luck and best wishes with your paperwork. My sib and their spouse recently went through this. It can be a very long process! Be kind to each other and reach out to friends.

      1. Anona*

        Seconding volunteering. When I had a period of joblessness, this helped give me a schedule and made me feel useful. It got really boring/lonely at home before I did this. It also was something I could add to my resume so it didn’t feel like wasted time.

    5. Temperance*

      Can you take care of the house, errands, etc.? Are you able to volunteer to build skills and meet people?

    6. LilySparrow*

      Working for money is not the only way to contribute to your joint quality of life. There are a lot of personal investments of time and care that can’t be replaced with money.

      Look for practical things you can do, both day to day or as projects, to make both of your lives better.

      Some of them might be traditional homemaker stuff like cooking or housework. Others could be big-picture thinking, research, planning, investing, or an element of creativity that you wouldn’t have time for if you were working.

    7. Apollo Warbucks*

      It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to feel guilty about, some times in relationships some person carries slightly more of the load than the other and it should balance out over time.

      It sounds like a nice compromise to take on more of the house work for the time being, maybe you could look into volunteering opportunities, assuming that wouldn’t mess with your visa.

      18 months is maybe to early to start prepping for your job search but you should be able to start in good time so you e got something lined up to start as soon as you’re able to.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      The other thing you can do, is beef up your skills, network, participate in community activities, and own learning new things in general – life skills. Think about the people you admire outside of work,a and why – and which of their qualities you can learn, practice, and emulate. It’s super valuable to have a period in your life where you are growing you as a person, and that strengthens the relationship, too.
      Second on the volunteering. It’s a way of doing a lot of the above personality work, networking, skill building, and more.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      It’s six months. The time will fly.
      Get your resume beefed up.
      Clip coupons, catch sales and check out garage sales to keep things humming along.
      If you are crafty maybe you can make a few gifts for people’s occasions or holidays and reduce the gift giving budget by some amount.
      Organize life things- maybe you can put your budget on the computer so that it’s really quick each month to manage your money. Think about how you will need to have things streamlined and manageable when you both are working. Get some of those helpful things in place now.
      It’s a little late in the growing season to do a lot, but maybe in a short bit you can plant some cool weather crops like broccoli, cauliflower or maybe some lettuce.
      Take a look at your bills. Is there any way you can reduce any of them? I thought I couldn’t then I went in for a closer look. I was able to reduce my most of my bills by at least 40%. When I saw this decided to make it a life habit to rotate through the bills and look for ways to reduce each one. And, no, I did not make it painful, I used easy and logical things to cut costs. This will be helpful when you get back to work also because there is that
      period of playing catch up after having a reduced income for a period of time.

    10. Thlayli*

      A guy I know was in your situation. He set himself a goal of reading and reviewing a book a day while he waited for his visa. He had a blog of the book reviews and the instant he got a visa he was hired for a magazine on the strength of his blog.

      Maybe consider doing some unpaid work in your field to make it easy for you to get a job once your visa comes through?

    11. Hamburke*

      It’s such a hard transition. I did it after having kids (it didn’t really hit until babies were about 5-6 months). You need to reframe your thinking on contributing. I wish I could find this great article I found some years ago that takes about this – what capital can you bring to the partnership now? I was able to bring social and community relations capital to my family. I got the chores out of the way while hubby worked so he could really relax on weekends or we could go do something social without worries about getting stuff done. I planned meals based on the sales flyers and clipped coupons so we could save money. I made friends with the neighbors, I helped out with community/neighborhood events, I participated in babysitting coops. When the kids went to school, I volunteered at their school. All this has an impact on how you relate to your surroundings.

      I know you can’t work but is there something that you can volunteer?

    12. Cuddles Chatterji*

      Hi there, a few more bits of advice since my husband is in this situation right now, too. :)
      – IANAL, but if you’ll be temporarily unauthorized to work in the USA, know that volunteering should be true volunteering without any tangible benefits (reimbursement, housing, etc.) to you. Also, working in a job without pay under the guise of volunteering is still work. So just educate yourself on those kinds of things to be sure.
      – Agree that working on skills in the meantime is a great choice. Training, practicing, learning new things are all good. Also, I believe you can make inventory to sell *after* you get employment authorization.
      – VisaJourney is a great website for all things US-immigration related, in case that applies. They have many threads on how to adjust in such circumstances, including staying busy (legally) while waiting for employment authorization.

  27. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I’ve just finished And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini and I was impressed by it. It reminded me of David Mitchell’s Ghostwritten in the way it was structured – more of a collection of loosely related short stories than one big continuous one.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Secrets by Daniel Ellsberg. I started it ages ago but got sidetracked by reading I needed to do for grad school. Back to it now, and I really wish I’d been able to read it all at once. I’m still finding it really interesting, but I wish I remembered more of the parts I read a few months ago (but not badly enough to start again from the beginning, lol).

      Also reading The Story of Egypt by Joann Fletcher, which is interesting on a big-picture level, but I’m definitely going to be seeking out more detailed books on Egypt after I finish it.

    2. AMillonStreetlights*

      Just finished Dark Deeds, the last in a space heist / rogue traders type series by Mike Brooks. Impossible not to draw some comparisons with Firefly, but its immensely entertaining and the series has got better and better as its gone on. Really recommend it if anyone is looking for some fun sci-fi.

    3. Book Lover*

      Rereading Rivers of London. Loving it even more now that I have all the knowledge of the characters from the later books. And able to just snuggle down and read slowly, enjoying the details, rather than rushing for plot.

      Finished Elantris. Eh, so so. Maybe worth reread at some point.

        1. Gatomon*

          I enjoy Brandon Sanderson’s work, but Elantris doesn’t stand out to me looking back. I really prefer his series (Mistborn, The Stormlight Archive) to his stand-alone books.

      2. Lib Lady*

        Love love love Rivers of London. I listen to it on audio book. I love the narrator and the accents and looking up London locations. I just finished Dear Mrs Bird, set in WWII London and some of the characters were involved in the Café de Paris bombing, which tied into a Rivers book, and I just imagined those events in Rivers playing out in Dear Mrs Bird. No spoilers incase you haven’t read either.

        1. Book Lover*

          Oh, I have read all the books many times. They are a cozy reread. Right now I am rereading Broken Homes and remembering the horrendous traffic around Elephant and Castle :).

    4. nep*

      I recently finished Rebecca Mead’s My Life in Middlemarch (after I read Middlemarch). Liked Mead’s book. Before I dive into another novel or narrative non-fiction, going to read Ry Cooder’s short stories. (Big fan of his music for decades–only last year learned he’d put out a book.)

    5. Lady Jay*

      Just finished Vernor Vinge’s Rainbows End, a near-future sci-fi novel which gets its forward thrust from the rise of mind-control technologies and AI. (Vinge, interestingly, is a computer scientist who worked as USCD for years and is one of people who came up with the idea of the Singularity.) Also, Vinge’s characters are consistently ethnically diverse. He’s always worth a read.

      Right now I’m reading Behind the Beautiful Forevers, by Katherine Boo, about a Mumbai slum.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        He’s the best. Everything he’s written has been nominated for a Hugo, and most have won. For *very* good reason. Software Archaeologists, indeed.

    6. Rogue*

      I’m reading “Will I Ever Be Free of You?” By Karyl McBride. It’s about leaving narcissistic marriages/relationships and healing.

    7. HashtagUsername*

      I’m The Daughters of Palatine Hill by Phyllis T. Smith. It’s a historical set in Ancient Rome during Augustus’s reign and focuses on his wife, Livia; his daughter, Julia; and his hostage/prisoner/but not really, Cleopatra Selene (the daughter of Mark Antony and Cleopatra). I’m really enjoying it so far.

    9. Writing Passion*

      I started The Hills Have Spies by Mercedes Lackey on Thursday! I’m really excited because I love her Heralds of Valdemar books and this is the newest one!

      1. Finny*

        Great book! I love all her Valdemar books so much, so much so that back in 2012 I won a charity auction to get a character based on me in one of her books–Herald-Trainee Finny, in Redoubt–then got to meet her and Larry Dixon at World Fantasy later that year. Incredibly nice people, the both of them.

        I hope you enjoy the book–I know I sure did!

    10. Justin*

      Mentioned separately below, but I just finished “Bad Blood,” about the rise and fall of startup Theranos and its terrifying owner, Elizabeth Holmes, who was blessedly just indicted. It will be a movie written/directed by Adam McKay (The Big Short) and starring, appropriately, JLaw, next year.

      What a story. Well worth checking out.

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        Thanks for the recommendation! I just put a hold on the e-book. There are 20 people ahead of me, but by the time I finish my current loans and get a few other books I have on hold, it should work out fine.

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      Furyborn by Claire Legrand.

      Just starting, but it’s really good so far. Great fantasy worldbuilding and I’m already invested in the characters.

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        Ah! I know Claire! She is so wonderful. I am so happy that ahe is finding success as an author.

    12. HannahS*

      I just finished A Reaper at the Gates, which is the third book in a series by Sabaa Tahir. I’ve been trying to read fantasy that’s different from the usual search-for-the-mcguffin-in-feudal-Europe and she delivered. It’s a warriors-versus-scholars story set in what feels like North Africa during the Roman Empire, with djinns and ghosts and a personal look at what it’s like to be a Charon-type character.

    13. RestlessRenegade*

      Khaled Hosseini spoke at my university a few years ago. He was an excellent speaker and I’ve been meaning to read one of his books–Mountains sounds great!

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Okay, now I’m jealous! I listened to one of his audio books, as he does the audio himself, and he has such a lovely voice.

        This was the second one of his that I read, the first being The Kite Runner, which I felt was more strikingly emotional. This one just hurt a little at the end.

    14. Libervermis*

      I’m finishing the last book in an eight-book fantasy series called Temeraire by Naomi Novik. Historical fantasy about the Napoleonic Wars if dragons existed. Some heavier moments occasionally but most a delightful adventure full of dragons with very well-developed personalities.

      1. Book Lover*

        I noped out at the plague :(. I keep meaning to try again as I love everything fanfic and published that she writes. I have spinning silver on order.

    15. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I attempted to read Space Opera by Catherine Valente, recommended by quite a number of people I know (and I believe by posters here as well). I’ll admit to not being the biggest sci-fi fan, but I’m a sucker for any heavily music-themed book. It took three months to get it from my library and I was quite disappointed when I finally got it. The writing style was so ponderous; it seemed like the author was being paid both by the word and the pop culture reference. I couldn’t get through it and honestly I felt bad about quitting on it, though I know I shouldn’t.

      1. acmx*

        I gave up on Space Opera at about chapter three. I kept re-reading so many sentences due to her overuse of adjectivees and run in sentences.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I’m glad I’m not the only one. I really, really tried to get through it. Actually made it to about page 100. But it was just requiring so much mental energy to figure out what she was trying to say with all the run-on sentences.

      2. Gingerblue*

        I love Valente’s writing, but her style is pretty distinctive, and I’m trying to imagine how it translates to space Eurovision. I adored her “Orphan’s Tales” duology, which her ornateness fit really well, but I haven’t tackled Space Opera yet. She seems like one of those authors who’s sometimes better off finding a topic which fits their prose style than trying to fit style to topic. (Patricia McKillip is another fantasy author who strikes me that way.)

      3. Rainy*

        I don’t like her prose, which I learnt back in my LiveJournal days. :) Most people are not as critical of writing style as I am, though.

    16. MsChandandlerBong*

      I re-read “The Butterfly Garden” by Dot Hutchison yesterday. Finished “Cross ” and “Double Cross” by James Patterson earlier in the week. I am currently going back and forth between “Cross Country” (James Patterson) and “Grim Rising” by Amanda M. Lee (book # 7 in a series about a family of grim reapers). “Cross Country” hasn’t grabbed me like the other books in the Alex Cross series, so I am not plowing through it like I normally would.

    17. DrWombat*

      The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal – an alternate story of the space race. A meteor hits off the US coast and devastates the eastern seaboard, spurring a faster space race and moon colonies in the 50’s and 60’s. I love her work in general but it’s also nice to see more Jewish protagonists in SF, and a diverse cast in general. If you liked Hidden Figures you’ll probably like this – and the sequel, The Fated Sky, comes out soon! Set in the same universe as The Lady Astronaut of Mars and I adore it! The audiobook is read by Mary herself and she’s a fantastic narrator.

    18. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’m about a third of the way through Battle Royale (in translation) for one of my book clubs. Am not really warming to it much so far; the violence feels a bit over-the-top and oddly detached, though I suspect that’s the point (or maybe I’m just desensitised to such things), and some parts of it are almost a bit laughable. Yes Shuya’s a star athlete and musician, but does *every* girl in the class have to fancy him? And some of the action scenes (I’m thinking of one particular fight which leads to a fairly big plot point) are just ‘Really? Really??’ But it’s well-paced and interesting enough to keep reading, and I like that the narrative jumps around and you get to spend time with all the characters rather than just focusing on one person or group, although there are obviously lead characters in there who you’re spending more time with than others.

      I’m also re-reading the Harry Potter books this year. I finished Order of the Phoenix this morning (not my favourite due to SHOUTY ANGSTY HARRY WHO ONLY SPEAKS IN CAPITALS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS! The re-read only confirmed this, although I’m still sad about certain people dying – I knew it was coming but it was still a shock) and will start Half-Blood Prince before bed tonight.

    19. Aphrodite*

      I am just starting a reread of an old book from 2002, Beyond the Deep: The Deadly Descent into the World’s Most Treacherous Cave. It will be immediately followed by Blind Descent: The Quest to Discover the Deepest Cave on Earth.

      I loved these books (as well as ones about deep water diving, wreck driving, cave diving, and other extreme ventures). The huge irony for me is that I have a genuine fear of being trapped and small spaces. I once was put on Leave of Absence because my department at work was eliminated and the transfer was to the theatre department where the small office, composed of large cement blocks, was going to be underground. I freaked. So for 18 months I was unemployed there, though I eventually got back. But I love, love, love reading about these things I am very unlikely to ever try.

    21. Middle School Teacher*

      Calypso, by David Sedaris. I’m enjoying it, although it’s not as funny as some of his other books.

    23. Gingerblue*

      I’m about to start Ruthanna Emrys’ Deep Roots, the second book in her Innsmouth Legacy series. For lack of a better description, it’s basically a feminist, anti-colonialist take on Lovecraft.

      I’m also re-reading Andrea Host’s Stray/Lab Rat One/Caszandra trilogy, which is something of a fluffy comfort re-read for me. Australian girl wanders through portal into another world. Fantasy but with more SFnal, high-tech atmosphere. The first one’s free on Kindle if anyone is interested in well-realized psychic soldiers fighting extra-dimensional nightmare monsters, with bonus archaeology, paperwork, and romance. I find the viewpoint character’s levelheadedness soothing.

    24. Gatomon*

      Finally finished Lord of the Rings. I give it… 2.5/5 stars? I probably won’t reread it, it just isn’t much my style. I do have a better grasp of all the Lord of the Rings phrases/memes that have entered the common vernacular though. Will check out the movies at some point.

      I’m now reading Whirlwind by James Clavell. I’ve read Shogun, Taipan, King-Rat and Gai-Jin, and parts of Noble House (it was a loner and I didn’t have enough time to finish!). He does a really great job of structuring his writing to create a sense of urgency or excitement or fear, more than any other author I can think of.

    25. Lemonworld*

      I just finished two books – Homesick And Happy by Michael Thompson, which I read in preparation for sending my 7 yr old to sleep away camp for the first time later this month, and Skeleton Hill by Peter Lovesey, which is a police procedural that’s part of a series featuring the same protagonist, Peter Diamond. I used to love the Peter Diamond books, but this one felt flat and boring. Not sure if I’ve changed or the books have.

      The other book was interesting to read although now I know about all these super-cool sleep away camps that I’d love to send my kid to but yowsers they are spendy!

  28. Jane of all Trades*

    I’m looking for ideas of things that will keep cats entertained by themselves. I just started a new career that is requiring me, and will continue to require me, to spend most of the day outside of the house (think leaving at 8 am, back at 10pm or so). I have 2 cats, and even though the apartment is big compared to the other shoeboxes in the city, it’s not that big. I have put a feeder outside of the window to attract birds, it only seems to attract pigeons, and so I don’t keep it filled all that often because I don’t want to be the person feeding the pigeons. I’ve tried cat movies on tv, and I usually put their kibble into little containers that they have to look for and then swat at to get at their food, but generally they are still bored.
    One of the ideas I’m toying with is those wall mounted cat furniture things (like catastrophic creations offers) or maybe even an aquarium with a lid. Would love to hear people’s ideas, tips & experiences!

    1. Cat Foster Mama Drama*

      HAHAHAHA! I’m right above you and I just posted a cat thing! Are your kits acting out? It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. But, if you’re willing to spend a little money, what about hirng a cat sitter to visit in the middle of the day to play with them for an hour. If your cats are relatively well mannered, maybe there’s a local teenager who loves cats who would do it for cheap. (I actually did this for my neighbors with a dog when I was a teenager.)

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Ah – there’s your post :)
        They’re acting up in that they seem more restless than usual, and one whines more and appears to be a little jealous when I pet the other. That is a good idea. I may look into it. They are both very sweet, maybe a little shy, and we have a bunch of universities around, maybe there is a college student that wants to earn 20 bucks to hang out with my cats every so often, haha.

        1. Handy Nickname*

          When I was a student, I would have LOVED having a quiet place to go and study for a couple hours during the day with kitty playtime mixed in as a break, plus some extra cash a couple times a week.

          Honestly that still sounds heavenly

      2. Star Nursery*

        -Wall mounted cat tree sounds great
        -Do you already have a cat tree?
        Chewy.com has pretty good deals on cat trees and cat enrichment toys that will ship free in about 2 days if you spend over a certain amount
        -there is a cat subscription box similar to Barkbox but for cats
        -If you aren’t sure where to find a cat person to stop by you could put an add at a local highschool or college, otherwise, I have used Rover.com to book for petsitters and have had mostly great sitters, you could schedule drop-in visits for cats.

    2. Saskia*

      Search for ‘enrichment toys’ for cats to find other ideas for entertaining yours during the day. There are so many cool toys that even if your cats are very finicky, you’ll find something that appeals to them.

  29. Cat Foster Mama Drama*

    I’m fostering a 1-year old cat. Who is adorable and a floof monster. (His tail is AWESOME) I haven’t had a kitten (ish) since I was a teenager and his play needs are wearing me out! (Doesn’t help that I’m in a studio apartment) I want to drain his energy and curb his desire to nip at me. (He’s a gentle nipper, except when he’s excited – so 50% of the time) I’ve tried a bunch of different toys, feliway spray (on his favorite places and mine) . I’ve spritzed him with water, yipped, clapped my hands, thrown toys across the room for distraction when he gets too frisky with me – but it only works temporarily, he doesn’t seem to be learning the lesson.

    When he’s calm, he’s lovely. I think I just wasn’t prepared for the intensity of his kitten-ish. Kind of venting, kind of asking for advice, kind of hoping someone here wants to adopt him. :)

    1. Jane of all Trades*

      Hey! Now I get to respond to your post – any chance of adding a second foster? I used to foster kittens a lot before moving into the new city and tiny apartment. Usually when there’s more than one they can just wear each other out, because they have crazy energy. With all of those cats and kittens I usually would just keep my hands very steady if they tried to play by biting it, so that it’s a less inviting toy, and try to say “no” in a calm manner. Maybe that helped, maybe it helped that there were cats and kittens around that were more interesting..
      I think kittens really love to have a toy that they can bite on while kicking at it with their hind legs – which maybe your kitten is using you for right now? Can you add some of those toys (the kind that comes up when you look for kitten kicker toy on amazon or the like – like an elongated shape so they can bite one side and kick the other). Other than that, I would keep a lot of balls and crinkly toys around that are inviting to the little guy.

      1. Cat Foster Mama Drama*

        I do think he would benefit from a friend, though I don’t know how he is with other cats. He gets very interested — unclear if it’s good or bad — when he spots himself in the mirror. But, I have no means to separate them and do a proper introduction in a studio apt.

        I actually made a kicker toy out of an old sock stuffed with paper bags. He ignores it until I show it to him and then he’s scared of it. I’ve seen him kick it once after he accidentally jumped on it while playing with a wand toy. Normally I’d put some catnip on it to get him interested. But he turns wild on catnip. It amps up his play aggression.

        He has one fuzzy mouse that came with him that he’s rediscovered and seems to do the trick to get him to play appropriately and well. I’m planning to get more of them today. Fingers crossed!

        In the end, I probably wasn’t the best person to foster him, given my work schedule and the fact that I tend to work with older cats. I think I’m just feeling like a failure and guilty that I’m not able to teach him the way I want.

        1. Jane of all Trades*

          You definitely shouldn’t feel that way! You’re taking in a homeless animal and providing a safe space & love until he finds his permanent spot. My cats used to entertain themselves with a lot of stuff (and still do, but they’re a little older and calmer now), which included: chasing the plastic ring from around a milk bottle, chasing balls of crumpled up paper, swatting at a transparent Tupperware container under which I placed some treats, chasing ping pong balls, fishing kibble out of the bath tub (one of mine really likes water – YMMV), chasing hair ties that I shoot across the room. If you’re comfortable with having your space a little messy, you can even crumple up an old newspaper into a bunch of paper balls, and place them in a cardboard box. Throw some kibble or treats in there, maybe also some toys, and let him dig for the food. If you are looking to invest in toys, I think you’d get the most milage out of a laser pointer he can chase, or this one particular cat toy which I have literally not seen a single cat resist. It is called “Go Cat Teaser Cat Catcher Wand Cat Toy”. He can totally wear himself out chasing this. Just be careful to pack it away when you’re done playing because the wire can be dangerous, and if your cat is as weird as mine he may eat the little mouse, which may be dangerous.
          Let us know your progress!

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      I’m really interested in responses to this. I work at home, so I adopted about two months ago. She’s a sweetheart but she has a TON of energy, likes to fight, LOVES to go where she’s not allowed (I only have three rules! Stay off the table, stay off the counters, and don’t eat my phone charger!) and loves garbage. She needs so much attention. I can’t really adopt a second one right now because it’s too expensive (I have to pay a pet deposit). She also loves to climb…maybe I can construct some sort of cat ladder??

  30. Jean (just Jean) who is very, very tired*

    Shoutout to others who’ve had a bad week or two. I’m looking for energy and inspiration. Without going into overwhelming detail, the past two weeks have included multiple nights of staying late for [noun redacted], travel (including last-minute packing and leaving the kitchen dirty), balancing various kettles of stress involving family and/or that-which-we-don’t-discuss-on-this-thread, and having some uplifting moments of personal connection among family and friends. Oh yes, and after a week at w*rk with no weekend to recharge, our entire abode (thankfully small) is messy! How do I recharge myself this weekend? And/or stop blaming myself for making bad decisions that increased the workload for myself and others?

    On the bright side, for once I’m leaving for religious services before 10:00 a.m. and I may actually be able to catch the rabbi’s sermon. This is a _major_ accomplishment.

    Take care, y’all. Maybe mine will turn out to be one of the outliers in the Bad (Two) Week(s) Sweepstakes. Certainly it’s not as drastic as the current circumstances of Unbelievable or I Am Still Furious! Internet hugs and/or fistbumps to those two and anyone else who wants them.

    1. Hellanon*

      I got to the end of the week feeling both accomplished (work stuff, including a *very* promising new assistant) and dead exhausted (the news, mostly, plus long hours at the remains of a heat wave. “Monsoonal moisture”, they say; wtf, weather, we are not supposed to have monsoons here.)

      Like you, I am addressing the built-up mess & chaos, and doing a it of patio gardening. Relax, enjoy your services, and even work may look different on Monday…

  31. Lemon*

    Advice, thoughts, or just commiseration on finding housing in Washington DC? I’m moving there in the fall, and just started looking for housing, only to discover it might be harder than I thought. I’m probably going to need a roommate since I can’t afford a place by myself, but I really don’t want to live in a house with six other people! (I’m a woman in my late 20s.) There’s also the crime factor in some neighborhoods, which also isn’t easy to figure out for someone who’s never lived there before. Help! Should I be in panic mode by now? Any tips?

    1. Lemon*

      To clarify a bit, it seems like demand way outstrips supply, not-great housing is still expensive and goes really quick—but maybe I’m wrong?

    2. Washi*

      I live in DC, and it’s going to be really hard to find housing remotely. Demand definitely outstrips supply, and for a roommate situation, there are often full-on interviews, so you’ll be at a disadvantage to local “candidates.” What I did, and what I would recommend, is find something temporary for a few months from AirBnb and then you’ll be better able to search for housing and know more about what/where you want.

      And a word about crime – I’ve found that people tend to exaggerate crime risks in DC from a combination of racism and remembering what the city was like during the crack epidemic 20 years ago, which doesn’t hold up today.

      1. Washi*

        Also if you want to leave a note about your factors/priorities, I might have some pointers on neighborhoods that would be a good fit! My last job involved a lot of community outreach and I think I’ve been to literally every metro stop and I’ve been in most parts of the city itself both during the day and at night :)

      2. hermit crab*

        100% agree with Washi.

        Depending on your commute and other factors, you might consider looking at neighborhoods that are well-served by bus routes but right not on the Metro — Columbia Pike in Arlington, for example. There’s a big cost premium on Metro-adjacent locations but tbh Metro kinda sucks right now and bus service is great in a lot of places.

        1. Washi*

          Definitely a good point. When I first moved here, I thought I HAD to be right near the metro because I didn’t have a car, but buses in DC are quite good, and there are a lot of places like Columbia Pike or Petworth where you’re not near a station but still close to plenty of good transit to downtown.

          1. hermit crab*

            Yep, Petworth was going to be my other recommendation! A couple of my friends bought a house there recently and they take the bus (or bike) everywhere. When I first moved to the area, I lived in Westover in Arlington; it’s more suburban and has a little less going on but it’s still close to things and comparatively super affordable. I think my rent was $900 for a true one-bedroom (including off-street parking!) in 2011 .

          2. Kim, Ranavain*

            I live in Petworth! Love it. I’m close to the metro tho. But anything in Brightwood along 14th or 16th street is going to be super bus accessible and much cheaper than living in Petworth, which is itself cheaper than Columbia Heights, but all those neighborhoods theoretically have some fairly cheap housing.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          The buses are a lot cheaper and more direct.

          Are you moving for work or school or for some other reason?

          1. Lemon*

            I had no idea! Very good to know. I’m moving for work (office is near the Capitol, on the NW side) so a decent commute will be key!

            1. Detective Amy Santiago*

              Honestly, I’d look at the bus routes that go directly there and track those to discover an affordable neighborhood.

              1. hermit crab*

                Yes, this! Personally, I’d choose a direct bus commute any day over a Metro commute where you have to transfer.

                1. Kim, Ranavain*

                  I felt this way for a long time (living in Petworth, commuting to Farragut/downtown). Then I had my first winter with that commute and switched to Metro daily, and never switched back. Metro has issues but it was rare for my commute to be more than 40 minutes, even if I missed a train or whatever. My bus trip *could* be 35 minutes, on a good day, but sometimes I’d be standing there waiting for a bus for 20 minutes, making the whole commute closer to 50 minutes, and if it snowed? Well, let’s just say that I switched to metro after waiting 45 minutes for a bus, and that bus went right past the stop because it was too full.

      3. Reba*

        Seconding this suggestion of the Airbnb or other temporary arrangement. The other benefit of that is that it will give you a little time to get a feel for neighborhoods and see what kind of commutes are possible, to figure out how to target your search. It is tough so you’ll have an easier time if you have some buffer.

        We actually did not follow that advice and moved into a place we rented over the internet! NOT RECOMMENDED although it has worked out extremely well. We had had a chance to visit about 3-4 weeks before intended move, but for lack of a job offer as proof of income, couldn’t actually do anything about any of the apt’s I looked at then. They were all gone two weeks later when we had that proof. I had at least seen the exterior of the building we ended up in! It’s just a giant apartment building. We picked mainly by distance to partner’s work (which OF COURSE moved offices after a few months) but we love the neighborhood, too. Columbia Heights/Reed-Cooke.

        Other folks I know who have moved here recently did things like signing a short lease term for an apartment to start, then moving into a shared house situation (rent there <1000). Others found roommates on craigslist and through friends of friends and have found apartments in townhomes. English-basement apartments are ubiquitous here and may be the affordable-ish way into more desirable areas. People I know are moving into NE (Brookland) and Petworth as more affordable, only-slowly-gentrifying areas.

        For my family, we want to be in the city itself and close-ish to our regular activities, and are willing to pay a premium for that (and boy, do we!). But you might feel that a little bit longer commute is worth having a bit more space, or whatever. Obviously, lots of people do!

        Good luck!

        1. Reba*

          Oh, I want to add to familiarize yourself with the DC housing regulations and tenant protections!

    3. Ali G*

      This area is super tough/expensive. It took my husband and me 2 years to buy a house. Do you know anyone who knows anyone around here? Also, do you have to be downtown? My advice would be to try to find some sort of connection here – when I moved here (way back in 2003) a friend from grad school had a friend who owned a place and he rented me a room until I got settled. But places go FAST, especially in the more desirable neighborhoods and people who have a place and looking for a roommate can and will be super picky.
      Sorry I’m not more helpful, but your instincts are right. If you can plan a trip to look at places and put applications in I would suggest that. The one apt I got on my own I got because I happened to see the ad the second it came up on Craigslist, got in the car drove over there, filled out an application, date and time stamped it, and dropped it off along with a deposit check. This was after I showed up for scheduled showings for other places only to find out they had been rented already (yeah people won’t even let you know not to show up).

      1. Kim, Ranavain*

        Saaaame on so many things. It’s really important to know that apartments will get snapped up very quickly. One time, we asked if we could give them an answer later that evening, which they said was fine, and then when I contacted them just a few hours later the place was already claimed. Got my current place in much the same way you did: saw it the second it went up on Craigslist, filled out an application on the spot, and came into that apartment ready to be decisive. It drives my partner nuts, cause he’s the type that wants to look at 10 different places, build a comparison spreadsheet, etc, but you simply can’t do that in DC. If you want an apartment, you gotta claim it and get the deposit in ASAP.

    4. Lemon*

      Thanks for all the replies so far! Super helpful to know. I was considering doing a temp place/Airbnb to start and that sounds like the right idea. I’ll be working near the Capitol (on the NW side) and don’t have a car, so I’m hoping to keep the public transit commute to around 30-40 min (or less!). But I’d rather live in a quieter area (with lots of trees!) that’s still fairly convenient to downtown.

      Also, any sense if it would be easier (or harder) for me to rent an entire apartment first and then find roommates to fill it?

      1. Washi*

        You might like Bloomingdale/Eckington then! Lots of trees and fairly quiet. Trinidad is another close and more low-budget option with trees, and if you do want to be near a metro, the area around Stadium-Armory is pretty affordable, also pretty leafy and quiet. (DC in general has a pretty good tree canopy, so you’re in luck there!)

        You’ll have an easier time filling an apartment if you have a bit of a network in DC – for example, my alma mater has a FB group where people post housing options, or if you think people through your new job might be able to help. There’s always CL in a pinch, of course, but I wouldn’t do that without being able to meet people in person.

        1. Lemon*

          Awesome, thanks so much! To clarify, I was thinking of finding roommates once I’m already there—definitely wouldn’t sign up to live with CL randos without meeting them first! The income requirement could be tricky though… my salary will be around $100K, though I do have substantial savings. Or maybe I could ask a parent to co-sign, if that’s a thing…

          1. Kim, Ranavain*

            Oh, if you’re making $100k, you’re fine. Where are you looking for apartments at (like, what sites)? At $100k you should be easily able to live by yourself. I don’t wanna make too many assumptions about your personal economic situation but it sure seems like you should be able to afford $2k a month, which will get you a 1 bedroom or studio virtually anywhere in the city! Or a niiice 2 bedroom in a lot of other places.

            1. Lemon*

              Oh, I wish! The crazy thing is that I have to pay $1600/month in student loans, so while I could technically afford my own 1-bed on my salary, I wouldn’t have much left over to go toward paying down the loans faster and/or building up my savings, which I need to prioritize. Fortunately I like living with roommates, so it’s fine. :)

      2. Reba*

        The difficulty with that plan will be income requirements. Will you earn 40x the rent on a multi-bedroom place? I can’t speak to the finding and vetting roommates process.

    5. Collie*

      Is a suburb an option? I live in one of the Virginia suburbs in an apartment complex that is partially subsidized and commute into DC for work (Southwest quadrant). Takes 15 minutes w/o traffic and ~35 with (an hour if there’s a crash or something) — Metro would take me longer, but I’d have to switch lines. I Metroed to my last job and it took around 20 minutes if the Metro wasn’t broken that day (ha). There are a lot of apartments in construction around me at the moment. It’s expensive, too, but cheaper than most DC options. We pay $1851/mo for a 2-BR with w/d in unit and 2 parking spaces. Two Metro stations within walking distance (or plenty of buses just a block down that take you to the Metro and elsewhere). So, I don’t know that housing is scarce, but it is one of the more expensive places to live in the U.S. (Income taxes are lower in VA than DC and MD, though!)

      1. Lemon*

        Wow, that sounds great! I’m definitely open to a suburb—would you mind sharing any more details about what area you’re in and your building? No worries if you’d rather not, though!

        1. Ali G*

          My suggestions for you would be South Arlington – the neighborhoods of Crystal City, Pentagon City, Colombia Pike and the surrounding areas are getting a lot of new apt buildings. There are lots of bus/metro options and since 395 is right there (and now HOV only during peak times) your commute by bus wouldn’t be too bad. Definitely check it out when you get here! I really wanted to buy a house in Columbia Pike, but it didn’t work out. Arlington, while technically a “suburb” is pretty urban itself. You don’t need to be in DC to have access to places to eat, do things, etc.

          2. Washi*

            Definitely true! Lots of amazing restaurants, and I love Arlington Cinema on Columbia Pike and their $2 movie nights. I will note that in my experience, young transplant professional DC is kind of divided into Virginia suburbs + Capitol Hill, and Maryland suburbs + Columbia Heights/Admo etc. I happen to be in the latter group, and whenever I meet someone from the former, I have to REALLY like them to make it worth the “long distance” and I think it often happens that friend groups tend to be concentrated in one or the other. You might want to not get too attached to whatever first place you live, in case it turns out all your favorite peeps live in Takoma or something, which would be a hike from Arlington.

        2. Collie*

          Sure! I’m like, two blocks over the line on the north side. South Arlington is definitely cheaper, and I second Alison’s advice re: Columbia Pike (all hail Bob & Edith’s and Lost Dog!). Columbia Pike is also convenient for commuting (aside from all the traffic lights), because you’d be pretty close to 395, which takes you right into the city.

          But more about my location: I’m a few blocks from the Ballston Mall, which is currently being rebuilt and expected to open in September. As a result, there’ve been a lot of new complexes coming up in the area. We’re waiting to see if our rent will also rise, and the neighborhood is definitely moving toward the yuppie-er end of things as the mall is almost finished and new business move in that are higher scale than what previously existed. There are great restaurants in walking distance like Ravi Kabob and Cheesetique. You can also walk to the Harris Teeter grocery store and a small, mom-and-pop grocery store from our place (though we generally prefer Giant, of which there are at least four in reasonable driving distance from us), and there’s a CVS, Dunkin Donuts, and McDonald’s all within about 1/4 a mile of each other (and us). (And a few other nearish restaurants/areas of note: Pupatella, Eden Center [mostly Vietnamese food in a shopping center], &Pizza, Cava, and Dogfish Head Ale House.)

          My building is part of several buildings in the area owned by AHC Inc (and they have other complexes in the DMV as well). The company is…okay. There was a lot of hassle around getting income re-certification (they kick you out if you make too much according to some law or other, which makes sense, but it was just a huge pain when we had to go through it). No pets, though I have an ESA. There are a good number of immigrants (and immigrant families — so lots of kids running around) in the area; many of which are limited English (which I only mention because it’s sometimes difficult to communicate with neighbors or, if you don’t speak Spanish, make friends in your neighborhood) — so if you speak Spanish, that will serve you well. Maintenance is usually pretty responsive in my experience, but there have been exceptions. We had a cockroach problem for quite a while, but it seems to have finally gone away. We’ve also been treated for (but never saw evidence of) bed bugs. Neighbors did see evidence, though, so that’s something to consider.

          Oh! Another great thing about my neighborhood is that you’re within a mile from the Central library, and most of the other branches (there are 8 total) are easy to get to. The high school is also nearby — just a few blocks from the library — if that’s relevant to you.

          There’s an elementary school around the corner from us, which is also where they’re hosting the new farmer’s market. It’s been going for a few weeks now (Saturdays 8 -12), and despite how new it is, it’s one of my favorite things about where we live now. There’s a coffee company called La Coop that sets up there, and it’s seriously the best iced coffee I’ve ever had and the booth runners are super friendly. Near this, you’ll also find a playground/park, and a park/amphitheater.

          I’m roughly 10 minutes from Target, more grocery stores, Barnes & Noble, Home Depot, and a handful of other day-to-day stores. The nearest Walmart is a bit of a hike, but we find it’s not an issue.

          I think that about covers the main stuff. I’ll try and check back in later if you have more questions!

    6. Anona*

      My bro lives in downtown DC, walking distance from the Mall. It seems expensive and his apartment is ok but not super nice. There have definitely been issues, like the building blasts the heat most of the year so it’s boiling a lot. He found a roommate on Craigslist I think. He loves the location- nearby multiple metro stops. He bikes and walks and metros everywhere. They each have their own bathroom and I think rent is “cheap” for the area since it’s kinda a crappy apartment, but he loves the area & saving money. I can’t remember how much he pays. I want to say $1100 or something, because I remember it being close to our mortgage! It’s the Capitol Park Tower at 301 G Street, SW.

  32. Caro in the UK*

    I need to vent about how raging I am that Wimbledon have delayed the women’s FINAL so that the men can finish their semi! Way to make your sexism really, blatantly clear Wimbledon!

    It angers me, because there’s so many other ways that they could have done this. They could have had the men start earlier today. The ladies final was scheduled for 2pm, but they only put the men on at 1pm, which is nowhere near enough time. Or they could have put the men on AFTER the ladies, which would be somewhere around 4-5pm. Or they could have put the men on court no.1 (the second show court) and had them playing at the same time. Or, on seeing how long the Isner/Anderson semi was going yesterday, they could have put Nadal and Djokovic on court no. 1 yesterday afternoon.

    There was absolutely no need to mess around the women’s final like this, and I find it really, really disrespectful. Especially in light of the fact that they refused to move the men’s final, even though it clashes with the world cup final. Their response to that was that the men’s final is ALWAYS at 2pm and they would not be changing it. I’m so angry!

    1. LDN Layabout*

      The problem is, you can’t move courts mid-match. Really they should have got them onto Court One yesterday, you really can’t have them playing after the women and I assume they don’t have the staff for an early start (I know people who work Wimbledon every summer)

      1. Caro in the UK*

        I know that all of the alternative options have issues.

        But Wimbledon is arguable the biggest tennis tournament in the world. Two long men’s semi-finals are not common, but not out of the question. So they really, really should have had some sort of plan for this, beyond just pushing the ladies back.

      2. Jemima Bond*

        Also you couldn’t put them after women as there was a doubles final then; it wouldn’t be any better to delay their match than the women’s one. My oh is working it. He didn’t get home until midnight as it was and they have to be there uniformed and ready at 0930.
        I thought maybe they should have started the semi on court one when it became clear that the other semi was going on a long time, but then of course there are other matches being played on court one and you can’t move people halfway through.
        I understand why you’re annoyed but I genuinely can’t think of a good alternative. And matches get delayed/put back all the time, not just women’s ones. It’s how they work it.

    2. caledonia*

      They couldn’t start the men’s match again earlier due to the need of “suitable” rest, given they finished a little after 11 pm last night (when you include a warm down/physio, food as well and everything that players do post match, it must be well after midnight before they go to bed)

      1. caledonia*

        PS – I don’t disagree that the women, particularly given the respective players, have been shafted.

  33. Foreign Octopus*

    I’ve just baked banana bread to use up some old eggs and I had three kind of large squares of it. I’m now feeling fat and happy. I’m trying not to fall asleep in the sun like my cat. I’m also loving the smell that’s lingering from it – banana and cinnamon = winning combination.

    Anyone else baking this weekend?

    1. Red Reader*

      Oh yes. Yesterday I made lemon blondies with blueberry glaze. Today I’m making raspberry jam and probably lemon mini-bundt cake. Tomorrow, lemon cookies. (Lemon is my favorite summertime flavor. Hah.)

      Next week is a friend’s baby shower and I volunteered to make the lemony desserts she wanted for it – hence the experimentation – and last I heard, she wanted some sort of finger-food lemon cakes, so I’m going to do the mini bundts (they’re about 1.5” in diameter, maybe?) and top them with a swirl of cream cheese frosting and a slice of fresh strawberry. (But I’m not making those til next Saturday – want them to be fresh!) If the mini bundts don’t work out, I’ll do regular cupcakes and decorate them the same way. Just depends on whether I can successfully fill the bundts, without overfilling them so they end up weirdly shaped, and then turn them out of the tin.

    2. foolofgrace*

      Not this weekend, but a few weeks ago I made a pear upside-down cake and was thrilled with how it came out, and the very next episode of the British Baking Show was doing upside-down fruit cakes and some people had problems. And mine worked, first time!

    3. PB*

      I’m making a plum tart! I’m starting the crust today and will assemble and bake tomorrow. It’s a new recipe, and I’m hoping it’s as good as it looks. I’ll link the recipe in a reply.

    5. ThatGirl*

      I baked blueberry muffins (smitten kitchen) on Thursday and lemon cupcakes with white chocolate buttercream on Saturday. Both ostensibly for houseguests, but none of them ate the muffins. They did enjoy the cupcakes though!

  34. Anon for this*

    *warning mentions child abuse*

    My friend and her husband emotionally abuse their son. They leave him with her parents while taking out their other kids to fun events. They have told him he is too dark and ugly. They meet his basic physical needs and don’t hit him but they don’t talk to him much and make it clear through their behaviour he is unwanted and annoying. They don’t hug him – he’s so starved for affection he misbehaves just for some attention. They have even asked relatives to adopt him. It’s heartbreaking.

    I don’t know what to do. Do I report this? Is there even any point? I’m also worried she will know it’s me who did the reporting and stop letting me babysit him. (I invite him over to play with my kids and basically shower him with affection while he’s here.) It feels wrong not doing anything but I am worried I will inflict greater damage by trying to help.

    1. WellRed*

      Unfortunately, if his basic needs are being met, there is really nothing to be done, officially at least. I…couldnt stay silent with my friend on this, though I understand your reasoning and fears.

    2. Little Bean*

      This is crazy. Do you have any idea why they treat one son differently from their other kids?

      1. Anon for this*

        No. She treats her other kids really well as far as I know.

        I bite my tongue because I don’t know how she will handle my interfering and judgment (because I really do judge her for her parenting – it’s shitty). I don’t want to sever the connection I have with her neglected son.

    3. Today anon*

      Jesus H, this is awful. Are you in a position to talk to the grandparents? Might they be able to take him full-time? I’m assuming you’re unable to, though if you are, it’s worth asking if the kid can stay with you “for a while” that might turn into several years. (My guess is that if you made it sound like the parents are helping you, rather than you judging him, they’d let go easily enough.) Short of that, I would document the heck out of everything that’s going on. Put it all together. You may need to report her, in the end.

      Since she is a friend—though I’m sure you are feeling a lot less friendly toward her, as anyone would in the situation—can you address this directly with her? Have a “come to Jesus” talk? If there’s any chance she might listen and go to therapy, it would help that kid a lot.

      My sympathies. This is a tough situation to be in.

      1. Red Reader*

        I was gonna say, I don’t even like kids and this situation as described would have me pondering whether “fostering” the poor kid was a viable option for me. :(

    4. nutella fitzgerald*

      You can report it. The agency might just keep a record to act on it if additional reports are made, but in some locations it’s also possible a single report can trigger a worker reaching out to the family.

    5. Amber Rose*

      … Can you offer to adopt him?

      I know that’s probably not feasible but at least you seem to care. I have no advice but a ton of hugs for a brutal situation.

    6. Kj*

      So, in most states, emotional abuse is not CPS reportable. I’m a mandated reporter and I know this is true in my state. CPS would laugh at me if I reported emotional abuse. Sadly, there is not much legally that can be done if his needs are being met and they aren’t hitting him.

      How old is this kid? Could you become a surrogate aunt? Why are they so mean to this kid? Is he visibly different from the other kids? Can you contact his school and ask them to keep an eye out? Would the parents consider taking him to therapy to figure out some stuff?

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I agree with you, so I’m guessing it’s just to keep in contact with the son, who probably benefits greatly from the chance to be around people who take an interest. I don’t know how I could handle being even polite to those ‘parents’ if I witnessed anything like that, but I’d do it if the alternative is having to always wonder how that boy is doing.

    8. NicoleK*

      I grew up in a similar environment. Thankfully, one of my friend’s mother took an interest in me. You never forget the people that were kind to you.

    9. LilySparrow*

      You can contact the counselor at his school. They can’t give you any information, but they can listen and they are in a position to help or make recommendations.

      I’d be shocked if this kind of treatment wasn’t affecting his behavior or schoolwork. For the counselor to have some insight can help them support and work with him in helpful ways instead of punishing him if he acts out or struggles.

      1. Sparrow*

        This is a good recommendation. And please continue to be in his life and look after him; you are doing a good deed.

    10. only acting normal*

      That’s so horrible. Yet I can think of more than one instance myself (a girl in my class in primary school, my mother’s best friend growing up).
      My mum’s friend ended up temporarily moving into my grandparents house. So did my brother’s schoolfriend (into my mum’s house). Lots of former neighbourhood waifs still pop in to see my mum even now they’re pushing middle age and well settled.
      Whatever else happens keep being his safe place to escape to as long as you can – it makes a huge difference.

    11. Nervous Accountant*

      Honestly I wish so much ill on these type of abusive parents. I just don’t know how they carry on behaving this way. That poor boy.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      I agree that reporting to pros won’t help, and this sucks. And if you confront the parents, yeah, they’ll cut you off. But maybe you can mention it if she ever complains about him, saying, ‘treating kids differently can cost you a lot, if the misbehaving escalates. Even if you don’t feel the same about all the kids, if you start treating him the same, you’ll see fewer problems.’ If they ask ‘what do you mean, treat him the same’, give 1 – 2 concrete examples (not going to Fun Trip), then shrug, say, “I couldn’t help but notice. He’s your kid, of course, not mine. So, how about that New Topic.”

      Not a Big Confrontation, but a couple of sentences in conversation – it can be very powerful.

      If it continues, is he old enough that you can start sharing books like “Running on Empty” by Dr. Jonice Webb? I know that for kids, the world revolves around them and so *everything* that happens is their fault in their head, but maybe it will help the kid figure out that it’s the parents’ fault, not the kid’s.

      I found Dr. Webb’s blog post on “The 10 Rules Emotions Follow That Everyone Should Know” useful with my 10yo kid – easily findable on google; the links get me stuck in moderation.

      1. Thlayli*

        If she wants someone to adopt him, she might let you take him to stay over sometimes?

      2. Thlayli*

        Also, just because you don’t know for sure about physical abuse doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

    14. Saskia*

      Thank you for caring about what’s happening to this child.

      Firstly, search online for local and national organizations who support abused children. There are a lot, and they all have excellent advice.

      Call a helpline to ask questions and get support for yourself. Depending where you live, some of these are open 24/7.

      Please document any instances of this abuse that you recall.

      Where I live, emotional abuse is definitely reportable, and in fact mandated reporters such as teachers are obligated to go through a formal reporting process. Most often the first involvement of child protection services in cases like this would be a referral to family services & support and training for the parents. But I realize this may not be the situation where you live.

      I hope you can gather useful information and support quickly.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        My area is- if the kid has three hots and a cot, marginally clean clothes, gets sent to school on time, basic medical care, isn’t being beaten or burned, nothing will go than further the report.

        Its seems you can scream and degrade your kid all day long and CPS can’t do much about it here. They can barely find foster care/kin care for the kids whose lives are in danger. Parenting classes/support is stretched so thin, the only people who get that are court order.

        I would report it, but don’t be shocked if nothing happens. CPS has to come out and check, but that maybe as far as it goes.

    15. Passport*

      I’ve never understood why there’s a difference between doing something about physical abuse and emotional/psychological abuse. Same result, it just might take longer for even the kid to realize how bad they are. If the kid doesn’t know any better he may not even realize what they’re doing is so different from other kids. He might realize they’re not included in certain activities but what do other parents do with their kids? Or does he know?

      I had a terrible childhood but at least as a teen, a family did kind of welcome me into their home around the block, but they did that with everyone. Why my parents were so crappy and why I had to stay with them, I’ll never understand, it might even help this kid to make him aware that not everyone is like his parents/siblings.

      Some people might be shocked that his parents are trying to get someone to adopt him but I think that’s the one thing they got right. Sadly it can feel like you’re being aborted every day. Hopefully his relatives or friends can at least unofficially adopt him.

    16. AZtoDC*

      People are the worst. First of all, most states’ CPS systems are overloaded with more “traditional” abuse cases so when you make a report, they’ll take forever to refer it for follow up or do nothing at all. Second if you give enough detail to make it actionable it may be clear where it’s coming from and, based on the above, probably wouldn’t be actionable anyway–no physical abuse basic needs met etc…

      Are you interested in fostering/adopting? If not, I’d just keep coming around, offering to take him places and spend time with him and hug him for all he’s worth.

      This sucks, but unless they give him to you, you’ll likely have no recourse. UGH.

  35. anon today*

    I’m so lonely.

    I’m in my early 30s. All my friends have moved out to the suburbs with their spouses and kids and houses. I live in the city. I have coworkers I’m friendly with and who I hang out with occasionally, but most of my weeknights and weekends are spent alone. I see all my suburbs friends maybe once every few months.

    I’ve tried to go to meetup groups or other events, but I haven’t really been able to make friends there. I’ve tried for a few years now. It turns into a friendly one time event thing, but nothing where people end up wanting to get coffee or hang out. Everyone seems to already have friends and aren’t looking for more.

    I don’t really know what to do, but I’m so horribly lonely. I generally don’t mind spending time by myself, but it’s depressing to not have a friend to go out to dinner or the movies or concerts with. I just want some friends who I see more than every couple of months. I’m so, so lonely.

    2. foolofgrace*

      I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. The only thing I would know to do is to continue to join groups on topics that interest you, take a night class in glassblowing or something, and check out volunteering opportunities. Hang tough, my friend.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I agree. I’m in three or four Meetup groups that I go to fairly regularly and get on with most of the people who attend regularly, but there’s only one where I have actually made ‘proper’ friends who I see outside of the group. I think on some level it’s just luck of the draw but I wouldn’t give up on it yet. Your people are out there, and you will find them. I hope things improve for you OP.

    3. Little Bean*

      Are there groups specifically for singles? My mom joined one (it was a ski club and she doesn’t even ski) and she not only met her boyfriend, she made a huge group of really amazing friends who she hangs out with all the time now.

    4. Birthday girl*

      *Waves*

      Hi, I posted above about taking myself out to dinner, alone, for my birthday, so… yeah, I hear you on this. I’m also in my 30s, single, and have drifted apart from friends who got married and had kids and now they only hang out with the parents of their kids’ friends and talk about parenting. I’ve tried volunteering (a popular suggestion for making friends), but it seems like I’m always the only one who goes alone. Everyone else is there in an already-established group or pair.

      Have you considered getting a cat?

      1. anon today*

        I’m super allergic to cats and they kind of scare me. I’d get a dog, but I can’t have dogs in my apartment.

        I’ve found the same thing with volunteering. Most people either go in groups or pairs, or go solitary and want to be there alone. Same thing with classes or events or meetup groups.

        I went out for my birthday dinner alone, too, which was okay since I spent the whole day pampering myself and had seen friends a week before that, but if I hadn’t just seen friends, I would have felt so awful and alone.

        1. foolofgrace*

          “Most people either go in groups or pairs, or go solitary and want to be there alone. Same thing with classes or events or meetup groups.”

          But you can’t give up! You just haven’t had any luck *yet*, it doesn’t mean you will *never* have any luck. Please keep trying. If nothing else, it gets you out of the house and varies your routine.

        3. Marion Ravenwood*

          Whereabouts are you? I’m guessing the US because you said apartment, but here in the UK there’s something called BorrowMyDoggy – essentially people volunteer to look after someone’s dog for anything from a couple of hours to a whole day: https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/ Maybe there’s something similar near you?

    5. Kate Daniels*

      I can relate to this so well. Most of my friends are married or in relationships, so they usually spend weekends traveling to cool places together. I was just thinking to myself how much I wish there was some sort of friendship-only/non-romantic app to connect single people with other single people who are looking for travel buddies. I would be all over that.

      1. anon today*

        Considering how many people are in the same situation, and how I see way more articles about people facing isolation and loneliness, I’m surprised there isn’t.

        I recently came across a buy one, get one travel deal to Europe that was SUCH a good deal, but had no one to split it with, and I couldn’t afford the cost myself. I can do some travel solo, but sometimes it’s too expensive to do myself and I’d like a friend or two who wants to travel with me and split the cost.

        1. The Original K.*

          Me too. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and she’s told me she has other clients who say the same thing. I feel like every week there’s another think piece about how we’re all lacking real connection; I’m surprised no one has capitalized on that and invented a friend finder app. I would, if I knew how to create apps.

          1. Gatomon*

            I think a lot of the focus is placed on single people meeting up to form relationships, not friendships. Like at some point we’re all just supposed to become these paired entities who only do things with other paired entities and if you’re not paired/desperate to become paired you just don’t fit in anymore.

            I had a group of friends where I ended up as the only single person after many years of being buddies. All of a sudden people were showing me random dudes’ FB pages and talking them up, suggesting I go out with them, telling me about how much they’d told these dudes about me (!). Not once had I even expressed interest in dating anyone, let alone asked them for freaking assistance.

            I’m odd in that I’m perfectly happy alone, but even if you aren’t it seems assumed that you’re looking for romance, not friendship.

          2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            Bumble BFF? I’ve seen it mentioned here but haven’t actually looked at it myself.

      2. Laika*

        What about Meetup? I have a friend who goes to Meetup events or activities at least twice a month, and I know she’s found some travel pals that way! It’s not explicitly for travel, but there’s always hiking/city exploration/adventure groups that would probably attract like-minded folks. :)

      3. The Grammarian*

        I would also love an app like that. Also in my 30s, childless but married, and living in a new area far from friends and family.

      4. Red Sky*

        I think I saw somewhere t that Bumble has a friend matching app. Bumble BFF is what I think it was called.

        1. SparklingStars*

          There’s also an app called Patook that is strictly for making platonic friends. It’s pretty new, and your success will probably vary depend on your location, but I’ve made a couple of new friends there.

    6. Kj*

      Can you reach out to your suburb friends? Often, friends who live in the city don’t want to travel to the suburbs to see friends and suburb friends may not be asking as they hear no a lot (I’m the suburb friend who people think live too far out- I’m a literal 30 minute ride on public transit or 20 minutes in the car, but still, they won’t come).

      1. anon today*

        They do live far out. The closest is an hour drive, but I don’t have a car, so public transportation would take an hour and a half to two hours. The others are even further or in neighboring states where it would be a couple hours or there’s no viable public transit option.

        1. Kj*

          Oh, ugh. That is a pain. OK, then I think you have to focus more locally. Could you still leverage any connections you have? Maybe ask friends who moved to connect you to other friends in your area?

          I had good luck with meet-up for a while. My brother uses a running club to make friends. My husband met people through gaming. Making friends as an adult is hard! My closest friends out here, I made though work.

          1. anon today*

            Most of my friends other friends also live in the suburbs, unfortunately.

            My biggest problem with Meetup is that the same people don’t go to each event. It always seems to be a new crop of people each time, which is disappointing. I do have quite a few online friends and while it’s nice Skyping and watching a movie together, it’s really not the same as in person interaction, you know?

            1. Saskia*

              If there are other people from this site in your city, would you consider arranging a meetup for Ask a Manager commenters? (this is something that works for readers of Captain Awkward and may be worth a try.)

    7. matcha123*

      Lonely person here, too!
      I find that if I have friends I can meet up with somewhat frequently, then I feel calm enough in my daily life.
      I try to go to an event or two every once and a while, but my current goal is to learn some new computer language and save money. I don’t really have any suggestions aside from working on yourself and trying to put yourself in places to meet with new people. The more you focus on the loneliness, the more you think about it.

    8. Sparrow*

      I’m sorry, that sounds hard.
      Are you a “regular” anywhere? It could be a class, a meet-up, a volunteer activity, a coffee shop, a sports/exercise activity or a church or community organization. Something with a purpose is good, especially if you’re an introvert or shy at initiating conversation, because you can busy yourself with the task and chat about the activity. It should also be something you enjoy intrinsically, that becomes part of your routine, even if you don’t talk to anyone at a given occurrence. Then any social connections are the “cherry on top.”
      This works for me because it really takes time for me to get familiar with a place/activity/group of people and start opening up and building connections. And I also take a lot of value and joy in low-level/low intensity connections, not necessarily the kind where you meet up one-on-one outside of *activity*, but where you know each others’ names and a few details about them and you look forward to seeing them next time, because there’s an understanding that there *will* be a next time. And over time, some of these might grow into really good friendships, but they might not, and that’s ok. I still find that feeling like a part of that group or activity decreases my loneliness significantly.
      Examples of places where I’ve been a regular at different points in my life are volunteering at a soup kitchen (even though people come in groups or pairs, no reason you can’t chat with them individually), rec volleyball, hiking/outdoor group trips, yoga classes, volunteering and my church. I hope you can find something that works for you if you give it some time!

    9. Thlayli*

      It’s really hard to make friends as an adult. But it’s not impossible. I moved to a new country in my late twenties and after a year or two I had a nice little circle of friends. Ways that worked for me were:
      1 aim for people who are also looking for friends – mostly people not from the city themselves
      2 I decided to live in a shared house with flat mates. It has its downsides and after a year I moved out, but i certainly was never lonely!
      3 I made friends through work (mostly people from outside of the city) and theough their friends
      4 you have to be a bit blatant – ask people outright to meet up don’t just hint or wait for them to suggest it
      5 if you date people, ask them to arrange meet ups with their friends. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s often the case that you have a lot in common with friends of people you date – and if it’s not a bad breakup you can often remain friends.

      Good luck

    10. Go for it*

      I’m so sorry for your situation. It’s a very difficult situation.

      One thing that you might keep for the “big phew!”. You are very lucky to the one IN the city, compared to your friends. However it might feel, you do have more choice than if you had been the one in the suburbs!!!! You have a LOT more choice than all you friends.

      A few small things. You mentioned friends with families. I’m assuming that means children. Generally museums have memberships that if you can afford them (!!) will be a great gift for friends with small children. You can be Mr/Ms supercool science museum uncle/aunt that families visit regularly because it’s so fantastic to come to the city and the fantastic museums. Either a membership gift for the children, or a “wow! come to this amazing exhibition, lunch at mines after” can help you drag your family friends to you instead of thinking of how they are keeping comfortably in the suburbs. The suburbs generally have no major museums or similar that families will want for their children. You can be the “yes! finally”! something fun! person.”. Ballet is fine too, whatever, it doesn’t have to be museums!

      But that’s no use in the everyday. You want a lot more!

      It’s so hard to make new friends as an adult. In my experience, people on the “outer cirles” are the best best apart from volounteering/hobbies/etc as above. You might do a few theme nights where your suburb friends nominate people as well as you (“everybody we have EVER met who will ENJOY a zombie/Starwars/carrot cake/ rugrats/victoria’s secret party”), and some of those other outer-circle-opeopelewith an carrotcake! lace push up! follow up people that you would never have met and can meet again.

      But that’s best case. There’s a good chance that your new people will be people that your old people would have never have met. That they might not WANT to meet. And that’s fine. Really. It’s so all right to have different social worlds. You can take a class in macrame and make old lady friends, but whatever you want, as long as you channel your “nerd/substance” person and not the “sexed/gendered” person because you are you and you are awesome! you will be able to connect on subject and not person, and it’s easier to find people if subject can lead.

  36. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    Living in rural flyover country > Living in a coastal city

    Last week’s Corner reignited an occasional debate in my house about country vs city mice and their positions.

    I understand there are legitimate arguments and different valuations for everyone, but since this is COC, everyone who disagrees is obviously wrong. So.

    FIGHT ME!!

    1. WellRed*

      Small coastal city. But then, I cannot fathom why anyone would choose to live a landlocked life when there is a big blue sea to embrace.

      1. Dopameanie*

        That sea wants you dead. You are embracing your reminder of your own mortality and human frailty. Come to the heartland, where you can lord over the wildlife, shoot it, and eat it in front of its offspring as a warning against getting any more squirrely than a squirrel is permitted to be.

        1. WellRed*

          I was recently in the heartland wondering what American Gothic horrors stalked among the miles and miles and…miles of cornstalks.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Nah, the other red meat is deer. The OTHER other red meat is squirrel. Head far enough west and the other OTHER other red meat is antelope.

    2. TL -*

      Oh, no. Beaches are amazing. Fresh seafood is amazing. Lively cultural happenings and thriving immigrant communities are amazing (especially when they bring food..yummy, yummy food). Intellectual events are amazing. All are in greater quantities in coastal cities than in rural flyover places.

      Rural places are nice for visiting and for retiring if you’re particularly grumpy, but for actually living, coastal cities are amazing.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Although the grumpy fits me well, deprivation does not. I counter your lively cultural happenings with good quality daycare that costs $90/week. Eventually, even the freshest seafood just tastes needlessly expensive.

        1. TL -*

          See, the fact that you have children young enough to need daycare tells me you’ve lost sight of what living really means. Talk to me when your kids get drivers licenses and you have time to eat your shrimp before it turns rubbery. :)

          1. Dopameanie*

            This is the best counter argument I have ever encountered. It is with great respect that I respond:

            TOUCHÉ!!

      1. Dopameanie*

        Nah, we keep our mouths closed when we eat. We rural people are famous for our good manners.

        Huh. That pun doesn’t work as well when you write it down.

    4. caledonia*

      Seaside all the way (even though I don’t live in a traditionally seaside-y place but we are on the coast).

    5. Jaid_Diah*

      Orrr you could live on the river and have water and mountains. *Shameless plug for the Delaware River*

      1. Dopameanie*

        Hey! Don’t plug contrary to my plug!

        *googles furiously*

        Actually never mind, that looks pretty great actually. Plug away.

    6. KayEss*

      I live in the Chicago area, which I think is best of both worlds on this front!

      Except the seafood thing, I guess. But I don’t like seafood, so it’s all the same to me.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Chicago is pretty awesome to visit but it is SO VERY VERY COLD.

        Also your liquor laws are ridiculous.

        1. KayEss*

          See, people SAY that, but a) it’s been 85-90 for the past two weeks and I’m mad about it, b) I’m pretty sure it hasn’t gotten below 25 during winter for years, and c) we haven’t gotten more than a handful of inches of snow in years, either. As opposed to, say, Boston, which gets snowpocalypsed pretty much every year now, it seems.

          Can’t comment on the liquor laws, but I’ll grant that the taxes in Cook county are obscene.

          1. Chicago anon*

            Do you remember the winters of 2013-14 and 2014-15, when the polar vortex came down into Illinois and the high temps were in single digits and the lows were in the negative teens, Fahrenheit, well into March? Yes, it’s hot in the summer. AND freezing in the winter. Worst of all worlds.

    7. Aurora Leigh*

      Rural flyover country for the win!!!

      And for all you seafood people — fried catfish. Catch it yourself, clean it yourself, fry it yourself and it’s way better than your snooty seafood restraunts.

      1. Dopameanie*

        So have you ever done the catfish noodling thing? I’ve been invited but I have been too chickens*** to do it this far.

      2. Temperance*

        I would much rather pay someone else to catch and clean fish for me, thanks. (And yes, I know how to do it and grew up fishy, I’m squeamish and didn’t like it then, either.)

    8. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Rural flyover for the win.

      No traffic. I drive by three horses on the way to the grocery store. The countryside is absolutely gorgeous. You can show up at the movie theater 5 minutes before show time and get prime seats. The store where we buy dog food has baby chicks every year. No HOA, we’re not even in a neighborhood.

    9. Justin*

      False. Very very false. I don’t even want to move to a suburb.

      Things that matter to me (I said to me!):
      Public transport/not having to drive
      relative diversity/not everyone is caucasian (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
      fewer firearms
      less religious
      If I want to leave the country, I just can
      And services are far more abundant/closer by.

      NOOOOOOPE.

      2. Temperance*

        I live in the Philly suburbs now, and really love it. I have a house with a fenced-in yard and a pool, but it’s a short walk to the train station and a short ride to the city. My suburb is way more diverse than the rural area where I grew up, and I still have the space benefits of not living in the city proper.

    10. Temperance*

      What are the benefits to living in flyover country? I’ve done both, and the small minds, lack of fun things to do, lack of culture, overt religiousness, etc. really sucks.

      1. Dopameanie*

        You can get a 1500 sq ft house with a spacious front and backyard and full basement for $100,000.
        Never hunt for a parking space.
        Everyone is polite (at least to your face)
        The NIGHT SKY OMG!!!!!!
        You can grow/forage/hunt your own meals to enjoy better gourmet food than Gordon Ramsey gets to eat.
        The quiet contemplative sounds of the wilderness wake you up in the AM, instead of yelling and honking.
        No homeless population, because rural churches (for all the damage they can do) are really good about charity for local people – this is the original and best purpose of a church.
        I only buy stuff to run my home once a week, if not every other. I buy meat directly from a farmer in bulk once a year. So I know I am consuming ethically produced protein.
        My kids go to a great school. It’s the ONLY school.
        Most people don’t lock their doors, since there’s very little crime at all.
        There is less condescension in rural culture. Less value is placed on social class, and it is RUDE to show off financially.
        You can easily ACTUALLY get your kid a pony for her birthday
        No lines. No lines for anything.

        1. Temperance*

          I grew up rural, and my take:

          It’s weird not to lock your doors. Once an escaped nursing home patient got into my dad’s car, we started looking our doors. I honestly see the pride in not locking your house or car as strange.

          I’ve never seen churches actually house the homeless.

          I found that there was much more focus on class and a weird pride in being uneducated in a rural area. There was a lot more emphasis on being “one of us” than I see now.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Huh. Maybe my towns have had good church-luck?

            There is a church in my area that bought a cheap building and turned the downstairs into a food pantry and the upstairs into a free apartment for anyone with children who can demonstrate need. I don’t attend, so I don’t know anything else.

            I HAVE seen the “one of us”, but I’ve qualified everywhere as one of us by commenting on the baseball game…so I’m not sure how exclusive a club this really is.

          2. TL -*

            There is huge variety in rural cultural, though. In my experience:

            Weird to lock your doors and crime was incredibly rare (once a cell phone got stolen at my rural school and then found and it was a big enough scandal that I remember it 12 years later.) I had a car that I left windows open, keys in ignition, and doors unlocked constantly, but no one took the invitation. It was nice to feel like I could trust my community, hence the pride.

            I’m white and grew up as a minority majority, or at most an equal mix of minority:majority ethnicities. There are plenty of rural areas that are diverse or at least not predominately white, particularly in the southern parts of the USA.

            Our churches were super charitable, true community centers, and supportive, and my hometown’s area only had one homeless guy, who was taken care of by the community because he was ‘our’ homeless guy.

            Not a lot of pride/elitism in social standing either way, though there is a bit of the “don’t bother leaving you’ll just come back” mentality. I, however, was always supported and encouraged and ‘told’ I was going to leave. So it does vary.

          3. Lady Jay*

            I grew up in the country, and my parents still live here. We lock our doors religiously. It’s like a fortress.

      2. FD*

        I live in flyover country, in a…large small city up North. (About 100,000 people, so not really a BIG city but not tiny either.)

        The things I like about it are:
        1. You can literally get anywhere in town in 15 minutes by car.
        2. It’s comparatively cheap in terms of both housing and basic essentials.
        3. A lot of places have a pretty decent good job market.
        4. Part of this is how you were raised, but I feel it’s friendlier. I understand that some people prefer the more standoffish ‘don’t make conversation in the checkout’ attitude more common in big urban areas, so that might be a con for others.
        5. The crime rate is fairly low, even in many of the large cities in flyover land.

        I will say that there are certain cons though. There simply aren’t that many things to do if you want culture–we have to drive to our nearest metro area about 90 minutes away for any decent museums or theatre. I also would agree that a lot of things are organized around religion too. In my area, even as a gay woman, I haven’t personally experienced a lot of obnoxious religious behavior but obviously it’s different for everyone. (I have experienced some pretty obnoxious sexism in the workplace but that isn’t unique to the region, particularly in the fields I’ve worked in.)

      2. IntoTheSarchasm*

        +2 -Lake Michigan. Small town with all the benefits, churches do house the homeless in the winter, no traffic, culture within reach, no neighbors peeking my windows cause the deer are. Reasonable cost of living and housing. Good mix.

    12. RestlessRenegade*

      The obvious answer for me is rural home within close proximity to the ocean. (Cali central coast, whoop!) I’m a country mouse but the ocean thinks I’m Moanna.

    13. The New Wanderer*

      Pretty much all of these reasons are why I can’t figure out where I’d move to if I had a choice of anywhere in the US (having lived in pretty much every corner of it so far, except New England). Too many pros and cons for each!

      But, my gut says coastal so that’s it.

    14. PerticoatsandPincushions*

      My solution so far has been finding a balance- I’m in the Northeast so it’s not flyover, but I grew up in a pretty rural area, spend my early twenties in NYC, and just moved with my husband to a small city in central New York. It’s great- we bought a huge house for under 200k, we already know our neighbors, we can drive to the grocery store, and yet there are also lots of restaurants and stuff to do. Feels like for the most part, so far, we are getting the best of both worlds. But honestly if I had my pick of anywhere in the US and didn’t have to worry about jobs or anything, I’d choose small New England coastal town :)

    15. Chaordic One*

      When I lived on the coast, I honestly could not afford to do anything. I was almost completely unable to avail myself of the cultural kinds of things that would have made living there worthwhile. Culturally, most of the larger inland cities have the same kinds of things that make coastal living fun. Besides, I saved enough money living in flyover country that I was able to take vacations to the coast and actually go to the concerts that I couldn’t afford to attend when I lived there.

    16. Thursday Next*

      I know COC doesn’t encourage serious answers, but I’m Team Major Coastal City all the way.

      1. Not only is there diversity, but there is a sizable contingent of kids whose ethnic mixture matches that of my kids. (DH and I both grew up in flyover country where we were ethnic/racial outsiders.)

      2. We’re 20 minutes away from world-class medical experts in every specialty we need. We have friends who travel for care for their kids, so this is a big one.

      3. We have excellent publicly funded special needs therapies and many excellent choices in special needs schools. Kid #2 has defied all odds as a result.

      Yes, we have a high COL and a small apartment. But weird as we are, we fit in here.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        1. Not only is there diversity, but there is a sizable contingent of kids whose ethnic mixture matches that of my kids. (DH and I both grew up in flyover country where we were ethnic/racial outsiders.)

        +1 to this, especially if you’re Asian American.

    17. Overeducated*

      Do you think those of us who moved from rural flyover country to big coastal cities did it because we WANTED to? No way. It’s the jobs. They pay me to be here, so I am. (Though man, i really miss the small coastal city where I went to school, that was best of all worlds.)

    18. LCL*

      Boyfriend and I are going to try to have the best of both worlds, and retire to “the sticks” in our coastal state. If you get far enough from the city, rural coast is equivalent to rural Midwest.
      Reasons why the sticks now appeals to me, after spending all of my teens and adult life in the city, are:
      I’ve finished my formal education long ago.
      I’m not poor anymore, and trying to retire, not work.
      I want to have a dirt bike, and a quad, and a snowmobile, and a boat. With storage enough for all of them. I want to ride my mountain bike in the woods.
      I want to keep a few animals. Maybe board a horse or two. Horse owners, would you go for free boarding if I could ride once a month? We would discuss terms first and clarify expectations.
      Access to skiing is a concern, but not the deciding factor.
      Boyfriend wants to fly fish all the time. He already fly fishes, this is part of his life not just a dream.
      I have a life partner and won’t be looking for another.
      And of course, the internet is the big game changer. Country life doesn’t equal isolation anymore.

      As for demographics, immigrants and other minority populations move and live everywhere in the US. At least according to what I read.

    19. Sam Foster*

      Let me know which flat, featureless, unremarkable, square-shaped state you live in so next time I fly over I know when to flush.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        There only two square states, and we have beautiful landscapes, great weather, loads of cultural and outdoor activities, and one of the top 15 biggest cities in the country.

        Also, we can probably use the moisture from your flush.

    20. Nye*

      I’m gonna take this from a different perspective: city life is WAY more sustainable and less wasteful than country life. As counter-intuitive and it might seem, the environmental impact per capita is far lower for city-dwellers. (Think public transit instead of driving an hour, apartments that are smaller and more efficiently heated/cooled than houses, etc.) This economy of scale extends to culture, as well, as many have already pointed out.

      I haven’t run the numbers, but suspect that coastal cities are more efficient than inland cities because the cost of transporting basically everything is cheapest by water. (As evidenced by the fact that most major American cities are coastal, and that the St. Lawrence Seaway was constructed to connect most of the rest of them to the sea.)

      That said, I live in a small coastal town. So you know, if you care about sustainability, do as I say and not as I do. I’ve lived in small coastal and near-costal towns, coastal and near-coastal cities (including DC), and an inland city. But I’m a marine biologist so it is professionally way more convenient to live by the sea.

      (Also the sea is totally awesome.)

  37. RealEstateConfusion*

    Does anyone here have real estate experience, preferably with rental homes? Here’s my dilemma –

    4 years ago, I bought a condo, slowly fixed it up, then sold it for twice what I bought it for (the housing market bouncing back really helped with that). I was then able to buy a house that is much more than I would have been able to afford on a single person non-profit salary. I’ve fixed that house up too and it is now on the market.

    When I sell my house, after real estate fees, I should be netting about $130,000. My question is what to do with that money.

    My ultimate goal is to have a few rental properties in the next 5 years so that when I have children I can stay home with them while having an income coming in. I would also love to be able to flip a home or two per year that I do not live in (I lived in the condo and the house that is currently on the market while they were being renovated).

    Keeping that in mind, do I take the $130k and buy a few smaller/cheaper homes outright and begin renting them? I would need to move into an apartment/rental myself to do that and I worry it will take forever to begin building up enough money for another down payment to own a home that I would live in.

    Do I buy a home and flip it really quickly, hoping to make enough money in the flip to put a downpayment on another home and buy a rental or two outright?

    Do I buy a home with a built in income property like a duplex or with an apartment in the basement?

    Also, does anyone know how long it takes for the bank to count rental income as income (for instance – if I buy a duplex and rent one side for enough to pay the mortgage, then go to buy another home, does the bank see the rent as income/the mortgage covered)?

    I live in Atlanta and where I live currently (very close to work, the area I really like) requires between $70 – $90k+ for a downpayment, but there are much cheaper houses further south/by the airport (I would not live there as that would make my commute to work almost 2 hours, but would look for rental houses there).

    Any advice is welcome!

    1. Llittle Bean*

      Nor a real estate expert by any means, but my advice would be to look for dual properties like a duplex or a home with an in law unit. Then you have somewhere to live without paying rent AND you have rental income to start saving for the next property you want to buy.

      Also, in my experience, all you need is proof of one rent check in order to get the bank to count rental income as income.

    2. foolofgrace*

      Sounds like you need the help of a financial adviser, one who specializes in real estate. I used to sell real estate and found that the old truism “location, location, location” is really true, especially when looking down the road to selling your properties.

    3. KOKO*

      Not a real estate expert either, but I live in Atlanta as well, and my advice is buy a cheap property on the west side to fix up and rent (and resell down the line). That area is still in the early stages of a big housing boom, but close enough to downtown/midtown that it’s desirable (more so than down by the airport).

    4. Anon for CYA*

      I am actually in real estate.

      Firstly, and most important, have you talked to an accountant about the tax implications of the various scenarios? Time you hold something, whether it’s homesteaded, and other things will matter a lot, and you really need to speak to a tax professional.

      Second, a lot of areas are experiencing a pretty strong buyer’s market right now. Is your area the same? Most houses selling above asking with multiple offers? Prices that have increased significantly in the last 1-2 years? If so, it’s wise to be careful about buying. A lot of real estate people in many areas think that the market’s likely to contract again at some point relatively soon. (Though to be honest, timing the market is extremely difficult.)

      Many people who get started in rental properties start with a duplex. In many states, if you live in at least one part of a duplex or fourplex, it’s can be considered a homestead property (which generally has a much, much lower tax rate than a commercial property).

      Additionally, I really, really recommend finding a real estate agent who specializes in rental properties. They should be able to help you prepare realistic projections. A specialized real estate agent should also have local connections, meaning they ought to know people who have rental properties that aren’t officially ‘on the market’. A good specialist should be able to help you answer questions like:
      1. What kind of vacancy rate should I include in my projections?
      2. What should I factor as a reserve every year?
      3. What’s the going price-per-door for a particular property type (e.g. duplexes, fourplexes, apartment complexes)
      4. What are the key things I should look for when assessing a property, that might not be obvious?

      Additionally, if you’re getting into rentals, you need to really understand tenant law in your state. Every state has weird, arcane rules about certain things (usually because different laws were made at different times). You also need to be prepared that you will have at least occasional problem tenants, including people you may need to evict and who might trash the unit on the way out. (Most people don’t but basically everyone who owns rentals has this happen eventually.) That’s where your reserve comes in.

      Finally, if you are planning to have rentals and then use them as semi-passive income to have kids, you probably will eventually want a property management company. In many areas, fees will represent 8%-12% of the property’s income, so make sure the numbers make sense at that rate. Alternatively, make sure you are VERY organized if you mean to do it all yourself while also raising kids.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Please get very well acquainted with landlord-tenant laws in your state before proceeding. I’d recommend actually reading the laws and making sure you understand how they work. If you do not know how they work you could find yourself in a financial hole very quickly.

  38. LuJessMin*

    My sister is here for the weekend and we’re having so much fun! We went to The B-52s/Culture Club concert Thursday night at one of the casinos (where I lost $20 and she won $50). Friday we went to dinner at PF Changs (yum!) and watched a couple of movies (my choice – Three Billboards, her choice – Love, Simon). Today is a very large craft show (her first!) and maybe dinner at Red Lobster. Only problem we’re having is my girl kitty absolutely HATES her dog.

    1. Basis, also a Fed*

      Sounds like a fun weekend! You’re lucky that you and your sister are such good friends.

    2. Lady Alys*

      I’m seeing them at the MN State Fair in September! Glad you are having such a great time!

  39. LostinCa*

    This is super personal but I really respect the advice from this community. My fiance and I are dealing with a rupture of the trust in our relationship. I won’t go into the details because I’m not looking for judgments about how bad what he did was, or whether I should even stay with him. Suffice it to say, he very specifically promised that he would never do a certain thing, then did that exact thing and didn’t tell me (I found out inadvertently months later). We’re in counseling and wedding planning is on hold. Of course, he swears it was a mistake and that he will never do this thing again but that has already proved to be untrue. I can’t contemplate marrying someone who I don’t believe or trust. I feel like I have only “one foot in” in this relationship, and am poised, just waiting for something to send me running away. How do I get 2 feet in, to commit to working on our relationship together, to rebuilding the trust that was broken? Or is this a lost cause?

    1. foolofgrace*

      Sounds like time for a pros/cons list. One thing that might affect your decision is if you’re on the fast track to have children, or whether you can wait on that. I really don’t have much advice despite having been in your shoes. My decision was to split but was very young and “marketable” and was able to bounce back fairly quickly.

      1. LostinCa*

        That is absolutely a factor, sadly. I am 35 and want to have a child – funny, I never felt sure that I did until it seemed like it might not be an option. I feel that I may be choosing between staying in an imperfect relationship to have a child, or risking never having one.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          This is going to be very blunt.

          Do you want to risk being tied forever to someone you don’t trust?

          1. Red Reader*

            This. Marriage is not forever. You can end a marriage and never speak to the other person again. But once there’s kids involved, that’s much less feasible, and marriage for the sake of the kids is pretty much never a good idea for anyone, including the kids.

        2. Roberta Plant*

          This is my perspective: there are other routes to having children. On top of the stress of having children (amazing amounts of work and time are involved, as well as money) you would need to deal with |This Thing| — because once you have children, unless you are very much outside the norm, you will become *more* invested in keeping your relationship together rather than being in the *very healthy* state of mind you are currently in, where you are poised to run. If you have children with this person and later decide that the fallout from |This Thing| is intolerable, stuff gets very complicated and you will not be able to just run — because he is the other parent. If |This Thing| bothers you, you laid out your expectations clearly and it was violated, right now, you have an easy decision. Later, with children and the specter of custody and visitation and lawyers and shared property, you have a hard decision that may mean you tolerate a bunch of |This Thing| just to avoid all the other stuff. |This Thing| is the hill you want to die on NOW, because later, all the calculations are far more fraught.

          Love yourself and set/enforce the standards for relationships with you because if you don’t do it, no one else will. Good luck and hugs.

        3. HannahS*

          I think reframing the choice might help. You’re not risking not having a child. If you’re a cis-woman, you can go to sperm bank and get pregnant on your own. You could foster a child. You could adopt a child. Yes, doing it on your own is hard and expensive, but if you want a child, there are avenues to have one. That’s not the choice you’re making, and I think taking away that anxiety might help. Instead, think of the choice as being, would you rather have a family that’s you and your child(ren)? Or one that’s you and him and your child(ren)? Try picturing it.

          1. Lora*

            This.

            Honestly…the majority of married women I know do something like 75% of the work of parenting anyways. Picking up the other 25% isn’t all that much more. The hard part is not having two incomes to cover daycare, but maybe that’s not a problem for you? I would look at it as more of an economic problem: can you afford to have a child if you have to pay for daycare etc out of your salary alone? Or do you have family who can help with a small child?

            Chances are he is not a unicorn, only a donkey with a carrot duck taped to its head. And you don’t find out until it’s too late, because you already know he’s a liar who can’t keep promises.

            Now apply the “he’s a liar who can’t keep promises” to questions like, “where’s the money we were saving for Junior’s college fund” and “why haven’t you mailed the child support check” type of thing.

        4. Sam Foster*

          My parents “only stayed together for the kids” and I still bear those mental and emotional scars decades later.

          Perfect is unreasonable, but, one where one parent wants to be out the door is no way to raise a child.

        5. Saskia*

          I think it’s very well worth your time and effort to see a counsellor on your own with whom you can discuss this. There are more options available to you than you expect. You deserve a partner who you respect and who respects and loves you & treats you with care, especially if you plan on having children with them.

          My sister made the choice to stay in an imperfect relationship for the same reason when she was 38, and had two children. She’s in a relationship with a man who can’t meet her needs – he’s selfish and verbally abusive. Sister took the risk and hoped the relationship would be okay because she was desperate for children. Under the strain of everyday life, the problems in her relationship skyrocketed. It’s very saddening all round, neither of them are happy, they are struggling to work as a team as parents, and the children are anxious.

        6. Observer*

          That’s rough. But do you really want to risk having a kid with someone you don’t trust? At this point you CAN pretty much pick yourself up and leave. And even if you get married, as messy as divorce it, you CAN pretty much separate if you decide to, even though it takes a fair bit of work. But, with a kid it’s a whole different kettle of fish. There really are no terribly good choices in that kind of situation. That’s not to say that no one should ever split up while they have kids, but it’s always really a matter of the least bad thing. Which is obviously not something you can always avoid – life does happen in ways we can’t predict. But going into this knowingly is something to think about long and hard.

        7. Dawbs*

          YMMV, but from everythingI’ve seen, single parenting is easier than co-parenting with a problem ex.

    2. TL -*

      Time. Give it time and see if you feel like it was an aberration for him or if you feel like there’s actually evidence that he does that kind of thing routinely.

    3. UtOh!*

      The concern should be he did not come clean himself…you had to find out about it elsewhere. You should absolutely go to counseling and be honest about your feelings. Hopefully he will also be honest and reveal what is really going on with him that he can’t keep his promises to you. Good luck.

    4. Red Sky*

      “Suffice it to say, he very specifically promised that he would never do a certain thing, then did that exact thing and didn’t tell me (I found out inadvertently months later)”

      Is he generally otherwise truthful and this was just a one off or does he have a habit of telling you what you want to hear and then doing what he wants. If the later then there’s a pattern of violating your trust and I don’t know that you can build a solid foundation for marriage with those dynamics in place. Also, if you look at his actions and not his words, what is he telling you? For ex, did he set up the counseling and make all the appts or are you having to do all the emotional labor to fix this?

    5. LNLN*

      If you are OK with your fiancé breaking his word to you after you get married, then stay in the relationship. Unless he has clear motivation to change and his behavior reflects that, accept that he is unlikely to change.

    6. CBE*

      Are you in counseling together? You might benefit from counseling/therapy alone as well.
      If he’s continued to do the thing after he got caught and after he AGAIN promised not to, I don’t know that I could ever really feel securely trusting again.
      I know that you don’t WANT to end it, but it might be your best option. Therapy without him there might be a good way to figure that out.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        That’s what I would take away. It sounds like he did the thing once and you found out by accident months later, and when caught he promised never again, and then did it again. Counseling is a great idea but it can only get you so far, it’s not going to be the way to convince you the relationship is worth saving. I’m sorry, it really sucks.

        FWIW I dated a guy for months, it was exclusive but not serious (no marriage/living together plans), and he broke my trust. I kept dating him after that but the fact that I could move past the breach of trust was the main clue that I didn’t, and would never be able to, love him.

    7. RestlessRenegade*

      I don’t know if this will help, but I feel like it depends on the person whether you’re able to forgive and move on or not. Personally, I really, really struggle to give people second chances. (INFJ door slam.) But there are others who are capable of forgiving someone and moving on. I guess the question is, do you think that trust can be rebuilt? What does he need to do to prove to you that you can trust him, and is he capable/willing to do that? If you don’t know what he could do, or if you can’t think of anything he could possibly do, then maybe that’s your answer.

    8. LilySparrow*

      You don’t trust him because he proved himself untrustworthy. Your lack of trust is a normal, reasonable response to his betrayal. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to manipulate you. Resisting manipulation is also a normal, reasonable, and healthy response.

      I don’t think you yourself can rebuild the trust. He has to do that, and he does that by creating a voluntary system of accountability and transparency, and creating a track record over time of being trustworthy.

      Obviously you love him and want to reconcile. That’s awesome! It can happen. But he has to do the work, and your role is to let him do the work and discuss what sort of transparency is appropriate and helpful in your situation.

      Forgiveness doesn’t mean you pretend the bad thing didn’t happen or ignore your own feelings or concerns. Forgiveness means you stop trying to punish the person, stop looking for them to “make it up to you,” and allow space for reconciliation to happen. It sounds like you’re more than willing to do that. That’s all you can do at this point.

      You can’t force it, you can’t rush it, and you can’t do the work for him. He made himself a stranger to you, because when someone is lying, you don’t actually know them. He’s got to demonstrate who he really is over time.

      Sending hugs, because there’s an element of helplessness here that is so, so painful. If he’s working on it in good faith, that’s an excellent sign. Be rigorously honest with yourself, don’t let wishful thinking or denial trick you into doing the emotional labor for him. That won’t fix anything, won’t help him grow past this, and will just defer the pain to recur again later, and worse.

    10. Drama Llama*

      You’re going to be miserable if you marry someone you don’t trust. The permanent stress and heartache of being in a bad relationship is going to be far worse than the temporary stress of breaking up. Or even the sadness of not having kids.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      So I said to myself, why is Lost asking how to get their second foot into the relationship? Why do you have to be the one to pull YOU back in?
      Then I thought, maybe Lost still loves him. Okay this is the dual thinking again. It happens often in life where we think “STOP!” and “GO!” right at the same time. This so sucks, it really does. It wears our brains right out and we begin to question our own judgement on everything.

      It’s possible for us to love someone and that person is just not for us. And yeah, we can spend the rest of our lives with a section of our hearts labeled, “The one who left or the one who I had to leave”.

      I was married for a couple decades. I can honestly tell you, we were on our best behavior when we were dating. Once we got married, the guard went down. And I did this as much as he did. This is pretty normal. Your guy is showing you his best behavior right now. It’s safe to assume it won’t get better.

      And here is something that people don’t always mention. Marriage is HARD, even for happy and fully committed couples. You bury your loved ones together, you figure out how to stretch that last $10 into a week’s worth of groceries together, you take care of each other when either one is sick. You watch each other make missteps and feel the embarrassment that the other one feels. You fight through weeks where the toilet and furnace and car all break and BOTH of you have to leave for work, leaving no one at home to take care of this stuff. You are each other front lines and it’s a big world out there. A family member frequently says there is no higher loneliness than being alone in a marriage. The reason is that everyone else thinks we “have” someone and we are the only ones who know that we have “nothing”. Living an illusion is a special hell.

      Self-respect begins with setting boundaries and being consistent about those boundaries. You deserve a person who is not conflicted from the very start. You deserve a clear thinking, level headed person who is capable of keeping their promises.

      1. Thlayli*

        “It’s possible to love someone and realise they are not for us”.
        This is a good point. I was madly in love with a guy and spent 4 years with him. He kept promising to give up drugs and gave up loads of times, but kept gong back. We broke up and got back loads of times too. Eventually I ended it for good. Apparently after that he gave up drugs for good – it seems that was the kick in the pants he needed. I know though, that if I had got back with him, he would have fallen into old habits again. A part of me will always love him. But it wasn’t the right relationship for either of us. There’s no shame in ending a relationship with someone you love if it’s not working.

        I second the idea of looking into sperm banks in your area. It will help you realise what your options are.

        If you choose to give him a second (or is it third?) chance – maybe set a deadline in your head. Eg if by the time you are 36 he has not completely regained your trust, end it and go get your sperm!

      2. Anonyspouse*

        My husband did the thing over two years ago. I found out by accident. I asked him about it and he lied. I continued asking and he confessed. Things were rough for a bit. I forgave him. We worked on communication. I honestly believe he hasn’t done the thing again. We love each other. But I still don’t really trust him like I used to. There’s a part of my heart that I withhold from him. And he senses that too. If we weren’t already married, I wouldn’t marry him now. It’s sad.

    12. WolfPack Influencer*

      Check out chumplady . com and look through the archives. If he’s lying and hiding stuff now, what makes you think he’ll change? Do you want to be a co-parent with someone you can’t even trust to be honest with you about their mistakes? Are you ok with always wondering ‘what if he’s doing the thing’ and feeling like you either have to pretend you trust him or to check behind his back to see if he’s doing the thing again?

      It sucks, but you have to decide what sort of person you’re willing to live with and have kids with.

    13. Toonsesthecat*

      Depends. Was the trust broken because he couldn’t express his true feelings about wanting to do certain thing ( like maybe he thought you had no right to limit his choices or actions regarding certain thing, or disagreed with your judgement that certain thing is haorrible and not for him – but didn’t want to fight over it) so the lie occurred when he made the promise. Or was trust broken when he in a weak moment was tempted and did certain thing and lied after the fact ?

      Because if it is the first scenario, then you have a bunch of problems. A partner who feels like he can’t state his needs/beliefs/viewpoints and lies to avoid conflict, and then breaks his pr9mises. In the second scenario he just breaks promises and hides that.

      You cant marry someone’s you can’t believe or trust.but can you marry someone who you can’t control and respect their differing opinion?

    14. Saskia*

      In your situation, I’d accept that you only have one foot in the relationship right now. There’s no need to force yourself to feel any differently. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions about your fiance’s betrayal without applying pressure to yourself to ‘forgive’ or ‘move on’ from it.

      I really want to emphasize that it’s not up to you to rebuild the trust that was broken!
      Please don’t take on this emotional burden, because it’s Not Your Responsibility.

      Rebuilding trust is entirely the responsibility and work of your fiance. Frankly, he is the one who needs to put in work! By going to counselling you are already doing your part.

      It was a very wise idea to put wedding planning on hold. I think with more time and counselling, you’ll have a better idea of how you want to move forward. Don’t pressure yourself into trying to make a hasty decision.
      Trust yourself.

    15. Missing Link*

      You can’t change this. It has to come from him. He is the one who broke the trust, it’s on him to rebuild it through his actions. All you can do is give him time to do that – if you are willing to.

      Sadly, from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like he’s committed to doing so, though. It’s one thing to do something you’ve promised never to do, it’s another level of betrayal entirely to hide that fact for months, and then to repeat the offence after you’ve been found out. That is not the behavior if someone who is committed to changing. I wouldn’t say it’s a lost cause necessarily, but it sounds very difficult. Maybe ask yourself some difficult questions about where you will draw that line: “if he does this again, am I still willing to stay? How many times? If we have a kid together and then he does it again, would I stay? What is the breaking point for me?”

      You deserve a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. He’s not offering that currently. Trust can be regained but it’s a long slow process and it has to start with the person who destroyed it. (Is he making the effort? Is he getting counselling, talking things out with you, respecting your feelings, recognising and acknowledging the damage he’s done? Or is he dismissive, expecting you to just get over it, refusing to engage etc?)

      I hope that you find the best way forward for you.

    16. Traffic_Spiral*

      This may be a nitpick, but if he’s calling it a “mistake” I don’t think he’s changed at all. The thing he did was deliberate. The “mistake” was getting caught – so if he’s saying that he won’t make that “mistake” again I’d say that on some level he really isn’t acknowledging what he did and why he did it – and without that, there’s nothing really stopping him from doing it again.

      The fact that he straight-up lied to you is another issue. Honesty is a pretty basic character trait – you have it or you don’t. Also, I don’t know what he did, but people rarely only do something once. This most likely won’t be the last time he does it.

      Plus, do you really want to be the Cop/Lawyer in your relationship? Constantly wondering if he means it when he says he won’t do something, or if he’s just going to do it behind your back? Honesty and trust are pretty fundamental, and marriage has lots of times where it’ll be easier (in the short run at least) to lie about things.

    17. Theodoric of York*

      I don’t know what your fiance did, but he has shown you that he will continue doing it. Either openly with your permission, or secretly. This is the price you pay to be in a relationship with him. You must weigh this against your sunk costs (but remember the sunk cost fallacy!).

      If the unnamed thing involved infidelity or financial irresponsibility, you would be better off raising a child by yourself because your husband would actually be working against you.

    18. A different anonymous today*

      I stayed; I was wrong. So my advice may be skewed. In his case, he promised but didn’t keep it. I was 38 and thought I was desperate. AND, it turned out, that we couldn’t have children (it would have been sperm bank, and by the time I reached that point, I recognized the problems and the relationship was even worse.). tragic. I still can’t take most things at face value. Sometimes he’s telling the truth, but sometimes… he’s lying.

      So what if the primary reason you think you are marrying him- never happens? Would it still be a good move?

  40. WellRed*

    Sorry for the boring question. Any ideas for how to make tuna fish more interesting? It’s on my lunch menu for this week, mainly because I can’t be bothered.

    1. CatCat*

      Like tuna from a can?

      Make this tuna salad for use on leafy greens or a sandwich:
      – Tuna
      – Mayo
      – Little bit of mustard
      – Curry powder
      – Green onion
      – Dried cranberries
      – Slivered almonds or whatever other nut you like

      I don’t have exact ratios as I just do it to taste. It’s my favorite tuna sandwich.

    2. anon24*

      I like mixing it with guacamole or hummus and chopped tomatoes on a torilla wrap. It tastes better than you’d think. I also like putting it on toast and putting cheese on top and broiling it then adding a pickle.

    3. foolofgrace*

      Homemade mayonnaise, if you have a food processor or stand mixer, transforms tuna into something delectable even if it’s just my recipe of mayo, celery seed (or salt) and salt (skip the salt if using celery salt,of course).

    5. Red Reader*

      Grab a couple of the Knorr brand rice or pasta sides. They’re a dollar a pack, I can get two meals out of each one personally, and they’ve got a couple different flavors that would be good with tuna – creamy garlic shells, particularly.

    6. Penguin*

      Mixing in chopped raw vegetables (carrots, celery, lettuce, cucumber, etc.) has helped me by making the texture more interesting. I also like onion powder and/or garlic powder to give things more flavor. Or, separately, if you like heat then chili powder, cayenne pepper, or similar can give a nice kick.

    7. BPW*

      Mayonnaise and sriracha if you like spicy.

      Also, I find that plain tuna salad changes based on what crackers you get. Buy one of those packs with like 10 different kinds of crackers and it’s usually more fun. :D

    8. Kathenus*

      Lots of great ingredient ideas already for tuna salad. Make it however you like, and make tuna melts. Toast English muffins (split in half already) to get them a bit crunch. Add the tuna, top with cheese, and toast further. Mmmmm.

    9. only acting normal*

      My husband introduced me to tuna via tuna+ketchup sandwiches (with a side salad and crisps (= US chips). He puts a dash of Worcestershire sauce in the mix, but I don’t know if that’s available outside the UK.

    10. Middle School Teacher*

      The New York Times has a great recipe for tuna salad without mayo. It’s got some olive oil, lemon juice, capers, olives, and salt and pepper. It’s fabulous on toast or in a wrap with some greens, and you can also purée it and turn it into a dip with crackers.

    11. Weekend Warrior*

      In Ireland we had tuna salad sandwiches with corn niblets. So exotic! :) I’ve since made them at home with mayo and chopped onion. I think adding sweet green pickle relish or chopped dill pickle relish would be even better. The corn is sweet and crunchy so not much more is needed.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Can confirm that tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches (with or without salad) are a UK thing as well. I much prefer it to tuna and cucumber, which just goes soggy – at least the sweetcorn retains some texture.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        My Dad used to make pizza with tuna and corn on it. We all thought he was insane. Then I visited Scotland and found that very thing on the menu (at a takeaway near Loch Ness, no less). He was vindicated, and now that I live in the UK I sometimes put corn in my tuna salad, since sweet pickle relish as I know it is nowhere to be found.

    12. AnonnyTuna*

      My husband has converted me to eating tuna mixed with curry powder, a little mayo, sweet relish, a lil s&p, and a bit of dried dill. Spread on crackers or bread. Amazing.

    13. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Cookie+ Kate has this amazing jalapeno pinto bean and tuna salad that I need to remember to make for next week :)

    14. I’ll be Lucretia*

      Half tuna, half egg salad. Onion, celery, celery seed, etc. the key is finely chopped bread and butter pickles and some of their juice.

      1. LizB*

        One of my friends loves canned tuna on (homemade) pizza. Apparently it’s hugely popular in the part of the world where he studied abroad. I still haven’t been brave enough to try it.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I used to order tuna pizza when I lived in Europe. It was surprisingly really good!

    16. Not So NewReader*

      I like tuna and mayo when the tuna has been smoothed out and is not lumpy.

      I drain off the oil/water and put the tuna into a shallow bowl. I take two table knives and do a crisscross type cutting action until the tuna is in small bits. Then I mix in the mayo.

      One thing I enjoy watching is how foods change just from the different ways we cut them up. Tuna diced up into small bits is much better to me that straight out of the can. I also noticed I enjoy the flavor in summer squash or zucchini much better if I send it through the spiralizer first. A near by grocery store makes a cold slaw that I think is the best in the world. All the veggies are cut very tiny. To me the difference in flavor is incredible.

      Experiment with how much you dice up the tuna before you make it. See if that makes a difference for you.

    17. Basis, also a Fed*

      I use a triangle of Laughing Cow cheese instead of mayo. There are several different flavors.

    18. Twona*

      I don’t know about more interesting but I usually:
      use mustard, maybe some mayo, maybe not, carrots, nuts
      or
      tortilla pizza/almost tuna melt: tortilla instead of pizza crust, tuna, cheese, basil/oregeno

    19. Traffic_Spiral*

      Try making citrus tuna salad – google for a recipe you like. It’s easy, healthy, and a little different. Or, make sushi rolls with tuna, cucumber, and some pickled ginger (you can also add a little sesame oil).

    21. An.on.y*

      Mix a little bbq sauce into the tuna, spread on bread. Toast with a slice of cheese on top. Somehow the bbq sauce works great with the tuna.

  41. Clever Name*

    Dating discussion! I’m nearly 40 (divorced) and have never really dated until after my divorce. I’m online dating and I’m able to get first dates, and generally, if I like the guy, he asks me out again. Great, right? My question is I have no idea to navigate early dating. Like how does dating someone casually turn into a relationship? I got married very young, so my prior relationships I basically got boyfriends without traditional dating.

    I mean, I get that dating is about getting to know someone, but I’m a little confused how the physical touch comes into play. I’m used to being physically affectionate in relationships, but it seems weird to display little signs of affection with someone I’ve only known for a few weeks. Thoughts?

    1. Clever Name*

      Oh, and texting. I’m sure I’m reading too much internet advice, but I’m reading a lot of “never text him unless he texts you” advice (aimed at hetero women), and I’m not sure if I’m being too literal or taking things too far. One guy I went on a date with was like “let’s get together again” and didn’t follow up with concrete plans or asking my availability for a date, so I assumed he wasn’t that interested, so I wrote him off. He would text me every few days, but again never suggested a date. He finally texts me on a Friday and basically said he was a little disappointed he didn’t hear from me during the week and wanted to know my weekend plans. I thought it was a little weird because he wasn’t texting me either. Maybe I’m feeling burned by a brief fling where I slept with a guy early on where he had basically been hounding me via text and called every day, and then shockingly (not) the contact dropped way off after I slept with him. I actually ended things because, among other things, he ignored my texts. So what’s normal?

      1. KayEss*

        On the texting thing: since it sounds like these are fairly early, low-stakes relationships, you should decide what kind of communication you WANT and let that be a factor in how the relationship progresses (or not). Do you generally want to be left alone all week, because you’re busy with other stuff and dating is a weekend thing right now? Do you want to chat casually back and forth via text a few times a day, because it’s a fun and nourishing connection? Do you want something in-between? Figure out what you want, and proceed with that–and if he doesn’t respond/reciprocate in a way that works for you, well… that’s information about your compatibility, which is part of what you’re trying to gather by dating.

        Also, while being in a relationship where you have to do ALL the planning is definitely exhausting and not somewhere you want to be… it may benefit you to throw out an offer of date plans on your own, rather than waiting for him to do so. Did you have a good first date? Do you WANT to see him again? (Note: best to be sure you want to see HIM again, not just “someone date-shaped.”) Then go ahead and text him to set something up! If he’s not interested, trust me–he’ll find a way to weasel out of it, and you’ll move on.

        Life is way, way too short to not take the initiative to pursue what you want, and also way, way too long to not have standards about what you’ll accept.

        1. Sparrow*

          This is great advice! Pay attention to your own feelings, and his actions, and look for reciprocity in levels of enthusiasm. Don’t be afraid to show some enthusiasm when you feel it, and don’t be afraid to talk with guys about communication and touch preferences once you’ve gotten to know them a bit

      2. StrikingFalcon*

        Stop reading internet advice aimed solely at hetero women :) No, but seriously, there’s a lot of BS out there, and it’s worst when it’s aimed at one half of a hetero couple.

        My advice is to look for reciprocity in enthusiasm. If you like the person, ask them out on a second date if you want to go on one, but make sure you don’t fall into the trap of being the one making all the plans for future dates.

        It sounds to me like the fellow that didn’t text you all week but was disappointed you didn’t text him may have been voicing concerns about whether you were showing interest in him by sometimes taking the initiative.

        As for showing affection, this will vary by person, but I know I was comfortable with holding hands and snuggling on the couch to watch a show early on, but other gestures (e.g. back/shoulder touching) started later. It will likely take some experimenting on your part to see what you feel comfortable with when.

        Lastly, I can’t advise strongly enough standing by what you know you need. Aim for compatibility on the things you find matter most to you (and it may take some time to figure these out! That’s okay). But beware the person who pushes your boundaries, ignores them, or tries to talk you out of them, especially early on. Sure there are people who encourage us to try new things, and that can be healthy, but it should only happen with someone you already trust. Doing that early on is a major red flag.

    2. gecko*

      I’ve always found early dating to be pretty fun! You go on a first date, if you like each other one of you will invite the other person on another date, then another and another, until you realize you don’t really want to date other people for a while.

      I think you should trust your sense of what physical affection is appropriate—hand-holding, sure; jamming your feet on their lap, nah.

  42. nutella fitzgerald*

    What little treats should I add to my Amazon order to get to $35 for same-day delivery?

    2. Today anon*

      Get something you actually need or want. Better to spend $15 on something you’ll use than $2 on something you’d never have considered purchasing otherwise.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I’ve found a lot of things I use every day, like vitamins and toothpaste are eligible for same day delivery, so you could stock up on those. Some books and music too, and those are a lot more fun.

    4. Plant Lady*

      Do you have pets? I usually can find a toy or treat for my beasts that will round out an order nicely.

    6. Go for it*

      Sheets of stickers, if you ever want gifts for children.

      A very, very silly christmas decoration that you will adore.

    8. Traveling Teacher*

      Reusable straws! They can be cute/design and not very expensive, plus being good for the planet.

      (I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole about this because of all of the articles about Starbucks abolishing straws by 2020).

  43. Shay the Fae*

    The depression and PTSD are still terrible thanks to The Bad thing. I had a short back and forth with my professor about who to turn to in the community, but he’s stopped returning my emails. I still want to try to go into the community center, but with the depression and PTSD I’ve had to focus my energy on other things.
    I was able to get into my student consoling center’s walk in clinic, but the chat wasn’t all that helpful.
    Also, I might have cancer. My imaging test is on Tuesday.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry, there is so much rotten going on here.
      Do you have good friends or family nearby?

  44. Nervous Accountant*

    5 minute trip to the store and I snapped at my mom no less than 5 times. She doesn’t deserve that from me. I feel like crap. My dad would be so upset if he saw how I was acting towards her. I can’t change her but I can change myself. Be better. I’m stressed and feel like crap bc Im going through all this health shit all by myself.

    1. Kathenus*

      Be honest with her and acknowledge the snapping and that you feel bad. My mom and I definitely had challenges at times before she passed and during stressful times it was really hard to not get into a similar routine as you describe. The realization that you can’t change them only you is so true, so be open with her so you’re not carrying the guilt around that could then keep the tension thicker between you, and take whatever little steps you can to figure out your triggers and try to find ways to negate them. Huge empathy for you on this.

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I bet your dad would also be really, really upset if he knew how hard you’re being on yourself <3

      You have so much on your plate. I know it's hard but the more critical you are to yourself the more it's going to leak out.

      I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I haven't been keeping up here recently but do you have any friends who could help support you? I also found grief counseling invaluable albeit with a different death.

      Hugs if you want them.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I have friends but I don’t thjnk any of them can relate. They’re more good with helping me take my mind off things rather than listening or giving advice about this.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      You’re not snapping because you’re a terrible daughter. You’re snapping because you’re barely surviving on a very short rope. Your dad would be able to see that and know that it’s the situation, not you as a person. Your mom benefits by being cared for by you, even when you’re snappish.

      I really like this Loving Kindness meditation from UNH Health and Wellness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM
      The script runs through feeling kindly towards yourself, someone who irks you and the general population. The voice is also soothing enough to work as a sleep aid if you need one. Their muscle relaxation video is also good.

      1. tangerineRose*

        From what you’ve said about your mom before, I wonder if she’s been pushing your buttons. I really wish she could live somewhere other than in your house or at least that you’d get a safe place (maybe make your bedroom into a sanctuary) where she isn’t allowed in, and you can have your own time.

        2. Nervous Accountant*

          She started with “Take care of your health”….totally innocent statement on its own, but very loaded coming from her or my husband b/c GFD I am trying so hard so whenever they say it, it feels like I am not doing anything just b/c I’m not rapidly getting skinny. More so, I feel like I have to hide everything, the details of the gastro appt the blood drawing, everything. I just kept saying IM trying my best. That’s it. My dad was really interested in this as well but him I could have told stuff to cz he would have taken it well and hewould never have brought up weight.

          “See you look skinny here”… ignore. like just stop commenting on my looks/hair/clothing everything. just stop. I know I look a hot mess just LMA

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yeah, I had to take her. This is unavoidable, I have to take her somewhere on the weekends. My husband is available and willing to do so but she refuses to go alone with him. Plus she said she likes going with me, God knows why when all she does is criticize and pick on every single thing. You know how hard it is to just be, when your every tone, facial expression and even just being stone cold quiet is up for judging.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You are a better person than me. I would have strangled her by now.

      Did I ever tell ya I dreamed of my father after he died? The dream was kind of surreal to begin with but he said one of the most powerful sentences I have ever heard another person say. He said: “I never understood what it was like to be YOU.”

      I think this is what your father would say if he could tell you now. You are not him, nor will you ever be. You are you and that’s it.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I’m desperate to have a dream about my dad. So far whenever I see him, it’s just that he’s there, with us or in the street or something.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Put it out there. During waking hours, think or say into the air, that you want to hear from your dad.
          My experience was that he did not say too much. No meat and potatoes answers. That one sentence was the gist of all he said. Then he said he would help me and the dream ended.
          It sounds like your dad is watching and he sees the problems and the frustrations. It could be that he is waiting for you to say you are open to ideas that are different from what you are doing now. I have no clue, of course, this is just a wild guess.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      Your dad would be so upset if he saw how she’s acting toward you.
      You can’t please someone who refuses to be pleased.
      You can’t give over your own life for her to direct for you to her satisfaction, if only because she won’t be satisfied even if she could find a path to directing a life that is fulfilling *for you.*.

      What you are doing is *so* hard. And I’m assuming your brother understands that better now.

      You are not obligated to do everything for her, even if she wants it and expects it, even if it’s culturally common.

      We’re on Team You: You’re smart, thoughtful, considerate, helpful, generous, and brave. You’re understanding, up for trying new things, want to oblige, and people mean a great deal to you.

    8. TheLiz*

      You sound *so much* like my friend G – right down to the liver problems! He made it through in the end, but it was incredibly hard on him. This is a hard thing you are doing! I almost think you should snap at your mother – it’s not a great way of going about it, but it sets a boundary and you need that. You can do this, and you’re not alone. We love you.

  45. Amber Rose*

    I bought a heat brush to straighten my hair, and the safety precautions say not to use it with bare feet. I mean. I don’t usually do my hair with my feet regardless. But why do socks change anything?

    I’m missing a seminar this weekend that I had planned to go to, and I’m going through some shit, so my plan this weekend is relentless happy things. I’ve got Ninja Sex Party on the radio, a purring cat and zero plans to do anything except relax and do my hair. With socks on, I guess.

    1. Hellanon*

      Probably that you don’t burn yourself if you drop it on a foot, or so that you are not using an electrical appliance while standing on wet tile.

      1. Thlayli*

        I’m guessing this is the reason. People get burned from hair appliances all the time.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have ripped out my big toe nail twice because I was vacuuming while barefoot. I think those instructions were written for people like me.

    2. Go for it*

      Put on some rubber/plastic flip flops. I don’t know how electricity is where you live, but generally it’s a good idea to do things that definitely break a potential “oh! Shit” electrical circle” if you step on metal etc. If you wear flip-flops, you make sure that there’s no connection to the floor, and the manufacurer’s “oooh” is cancellec. :)

  46. Today anon*

    My fiancé has some deep-seated issues about sex; given his upbringing, it’s no wonder. He’s also dealing with situational depression and a lot of midlife uncertainty about his career, his past, etc. Our relationship is generally strong and honest, but obviously his personal issues are having an impact on us.

    (Not that I’m completely without issues! But I’m not dealing with anything acute at this time.)

    Anyway, I asked him to go to couples counseling with me. He agreed, and said he felt really ready to dig into this stuff. Said it was a measure of how safe he felt with me. I was encouraged. We found a counselor 6 blocks from our apartment, which is amazing. We’re met with the counselor 4 times so far, and every session seemed more constructive to me than not. He and I have had some really meaningful conversations during this time, and it hasn’t hurt our sex life either.

    But after the last, fairly congenial session, I asked what he thought of the process—and got hit with this barrage of negativity. He understands his issues, so why does he have to talk about them with someone? This is really uncomfortable, so he doesn’t think it’s getting us anywhere. Etc. It was shocking to me that he felt like nothing good had come out of the sessions—the gains seem so clear to me! But mostly it really hurt that he had undertaken something we knew would be difficult, then pulled back so quickly, when it doesn’t seem like it’s even been that hard yet.

    I just want to cry. He is a good man, and he’s genuinely going through hard times. He’s intelligent and self-aware. But he basically takes that as proof that nobody can help or understand him. He is generally very supportive and caring toward me, but when it comes to this, it’s as though my better career position means I don’t understand what pain is. Etc. He has this exceptionalist attitude toward his problems that makes them worse rather than better.

    If this attitude reflected how he is about life generally, we wouldn’t be engaged. We wouldn’t be dating, even. But it doesn’t. In nearly all other ways he is a compassionate, caring, insightful person. To me this feels like a wall he’s built around the most painful parts of his life. But if he’s going to dodge therapy, and I’m just supposed to live with that wall for months or years or forever—that’s not a thing I can do.

    Tl;dr—anyone here had a spouse or betrothed or SO pull back from very needful therapy? If so, were you able to get past that block, and how?

    1. foolofgrace*

      “But if he’s going to dodge therapy, and I’m just supposed to live with that wall for months or years or forever—that’s not a thing I can do.”

      I think you need to clue him in on this. He won’t take it well. He might take it as a threat, but it’s not, it’s sa choice. But if that’s how you’re truly feeling, I don’t see a positive recourse, it’ll just be same-old, same-old.

      1. Kj*

        Agreed. He needs to know his attitude is risking the relationship. I recently had to have a come to Jesus with my husband about a similar situation, except about his avoiding medical and dental care. I basically stated that his refusal to go to the doctor/dentist made me anxious and scared and I was unwilling to live like that forever. I told him that those things were not optional, especially since we are having a child together. He wasn’t happy about it, but he is a good person who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel terrible. So he’s going to the dentist and doc now!

    2. Jessica*

      Deal with your current situation, not hypotheticals. You said he has deep-seated issues about sex stemming from his childhood; he agreed to go to couples counseling with you; he has had several conversations that you felt were productive. Currently, he doesn’t think that those conversations have been all that helpful and/or he doesn’t like the experience.
      After FOUR therapy sessions, I don’t think you have cause for concern yet! Is he refusing to go to further sessions? Is he somehow lying his way through the session? If the answer to those questions is yes then maybe my advice would change, but from what you’ve posted all that happened is he told you that he didn’t like therapy. I think that if he doesn’t really like therapy but he’s willing to co-operate and go you should just relax and give the whole situation more time.

    3. Jen Erik*

      Could you ask your counselor if this is something that happens sometimes? I don’t know if this is similar enough to be worth mentioning, but when my daughter did a course of CBT there was a point where she was sure it wasn’t working, that she understood the principles but it didn’t work for her (and that her therapist disliked her.) But we’d been told that there was often a it-gets-worse-before-it-gets-better dynamic, which made sense in her case. Could you ask if a resistance to the process is sometimes normal?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, THIS.
        Check with the counselor. Sometimes just before the dam bursts things seem at their darkest. He may be reacting this way because he is on the verge of overcoming the issues. Please be sure to mention this to the counselor. She will know.

        1. Anonymosity*

          I had the same thought. When it starts getting scary close to the issue, sometimes people feel like they want to run.

    4. Anon for this*

      I’m sure I’ll get called all sorts for this (hence going anon), but here goes: men usually don’t like therapy. Most men don’t deal with things by talking about them.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Some men. My husband is a therapist, sees his own therapist, and sees plenty of guys as clients.

      2. Lora*

        Am woman, with lady parts and everything, and I hate therapy. Pretty sure that category spans all genders.

        The thing us therapy-haters and the therapy-likers have to understand is that like all treatments, certain types of therapy for certain psychological issues do work for the majority of people. Just like statins mostly work for metabolic disease and NSAIDs and rest mostly work for back pain, CBT mostly works for depression and so forth.

        If it doesn’t work for you, that sucks, and you’re a minority patient population who just needs a different treatment or may be untreatable and you have to figure out how to live with your brain as it is.

        OP, I don’t know if I would hang your hat on “go to therapy or else” so much as “this specific behavior needs to change, full stop, do not pass Go do not collect $200, and therapy is likely to help”. Because therapy may not fix it. Therapy fixes most people but not everyone; it’s notoriously unhelpful in certain things. But if you cannot live with a behavior, then you cannot live with it, end of, and it’s on him to take care of whatever needs to happen.

      3. LizB*

        Sure, because they’ve been socialized that having emotions (other than anger) is feminine and therefore bad, and talking about emotions is even worse. They’ve often got more societal baggage to fight through than women do in that particular area. Doesn’t mean therapy isn’t worthwhile for them.

      4. Not a Mere Device*

        This may be one of those things where you don’t have to like it, just to do it. I don’t like physical therapy, but I dislike it less than I dislike the hip pain. I’m not claiming to be perfect here–the other easy example is dental visits, and I haven’t been in a couple of years–just noting that these things can work even if you dislike them, if you’re willing to do the work anyhow.

    6. Saskia*

      My experience was that my now-ex not only resisted counselling, he didn’t follow through with the homework tasks set by the counsellor either.

      His attitude towards the whole process gave me more information about how much effort he was willing to put into our relationship. I valued the relationship more, and I was prepared to put in hard work. But my ex was not.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I would think that at this point the therapist might have given your husband some little tasks to work on and would have told your husband that he (your husband) had accomplished something and given your husband something to point to as a sign of having made progress. If your husband honestly feels like he hasn’t made any progress, perhaps you could find something that was helpful to you in the counseling and point to that. (If your husband loves you he might continue with the counseling for your benefit.) Has the counselor met with each of you separately? Sometimes this is very helpful.

      Lastly, maybe you need to see a different counselor. Not every counselor is going to connect with every patient. Sometimes men find it easier to deal with a male counselor so if your conselor is female that is something to consider.

  47. Should I Keep My Facebook?*

    I currently have my Facebook account deactivated, and I am not sure if I’ll ever use it again. I don’t have much friends and the few “friends” in my Facebook have become basically strangers to me (or better to put it: I have become a stranger to my Facebook friends because I haven’t contact them ever since I started college). I have deactivated my account for two years now, but now I am wondering if I should delete my account permanently or not?

    Part of me don’t want to delete it yet because I read articles that it is a complicated process, and future jobs might require people to have Facebook for connection purposes. Another issue I though of is what if I delete it and later on decided I need to get a new Facebook account again? With almost no friends, my “new Facebook” will look empty and not much use for apps that might need my social data. Although, my initial Facebook account is kind of empty as well.

    Part of me also find it kind of awkward to keep my Facebook account after not using it for a long time. The “friends” in my current account are from people in high school or college freshman years that I don’t talk to anymore because I failed to keep it touch with them. When I started college, I had to drop out of my favorite university to attend a local small college because I was not independent enough. After dropping out, I felt a deep sense of failure and I did not talk to my old friends for a long time, eventually now becoming like strangers. There are a few people in my Facebook, which I have “ghosted” because they reveal they like me and I did not know a proper way to reject. So I am not sure how it will be like to have Facebook friends that are strangers, and maybe some people that I might have offended.

    Should I reactivate my Facebook and start updating my photos and settings, and just ignore the previous experiences I had with Facebook? Even though I am not going to be doing much in my Facebook?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I deleted my Facebook about eight years ago and I can say that it has never, ever held me back professionally. There’s a move away from Facebook as the default social media – Instagram and Twitter are much more utilised.

      As for the process, it was really easy for me. I clicked a couple of buttons, my account deactivated with a probationary period for 30 days, and then poof. It was gone.

      In regards to the future need for it, I say cross that bridge when you come to it. I think you’ll need it less than you’re imagining.

    2. foolofgrace*

      The only reason I can think of for a job requiring a FB account is if it’s in marketing, where it would be used as a sort of work sample. This doesn’t sound like you. On the other hand, what does it hurt to keep it and just ignore it until such time as you will want to use it more?

    3. MissDisplaced*

      I keep mine deactivated. Might get rid of it completely. And for work/professional purposes LinkedIn is the way to go, not Facebook.

    4. Woodswoman*

      I’ve never had a Facebook account and that hasn’t held me back professionally. In fact, I think it’s been a help, because I haven’t had to navigate the line between personal and professional that people I know do with their Facebook accounts. And if a potential employer, etc. tries to learn about my personal life, they’re finding zip.

      For professional networking, LinkedIn is what people typically use. I’ve found it be a useful tool.

    5. Anonymosity*

      I wouldn’t take a job that required me to connect with coworkers, bosses, or the company on Facebook. Hell to the no.

      If you don’t use it and you don’t want to, then delete it. You’re not obligated to keep in touch with people simply because you went to school with them.

  48. Elisabeth*

    I’m at my wit’s end with my female cat. She is not a good Litter Box User, she was better when she was a kitten, but after a couple of moves across country and literally trying so many different litters and box styles that I lost count, she will STILL pee in inappropriate places and REFUSES to poop in a litterbox.

    The idea of putting her to sleep for this breaks my heart, but that was basically what two different vets told me. If she has a habit of it, she’s not going to stop, and if you’re renting or you just can’t have a cat ruin your entire house, that’s the option.

    I’ve sobbed about this so many times I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    1. TL -*

      Will she go outside? If so, she might be a good rehome for someone who wants an indoor/outdoor cat.

      If you can watch her like a hawk, you might be able to retrain her like a puppy – picking her up and putting her in her litterbox when she starts to go? I don’t know; I do this with my kitty but she’s really good about using her litterbox and gets distressed if she goes elsewhere.

    2. KR*

      Can you use puppy pads or train her like a dog with a harness/leash and trips outside? This doesn’t seem like something to euthanize her over.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I’m really surprised a vet would suggest something like that. I agree it’s a royal PITA when you have a cat like this (I have one right now), but I wouldn’t think euthanizing the pet would be on the table for a vet.

        Does she have a clean bill of health? Are there other cats in the house that may stress her out? Have you tried a litter box attractant? Dr. Elsey brand makes one and it helps. Maybe buy some Feliway plugins to calm her a bit?

        It’s so hard dealing with litter box issues. I like the idea about litter box training mentioned below and would give that a try. I have a multi cat household and know my issue with my cat, so this isn’t something that would work in my house, but may work in yours. Good luck!

      2. Elisabeth*

        I cried when the vet said it and…found a new vet. To be clear, I would not be able to euthanize her. I would just pay whatever fines happened from the incidents. They were my only companions when I moved across the country and had the worst year of my life. She is the sweetest thing, loves snuggling people, has never drawn blood (AND SHE’S A CAT WITH CLAWS) not even by accident.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Have you tried litter box training? I don’t remember all the details, but basically you put a very large litterbox into a small space, so she basically has no choice but to go in the litterbox because otherwise she’s going in her food/bed. Then you gradually decrease the size of the litter box, rewarding her for going in the box and ignoring when she misses (make it a nonissue). It’s intense, but can work.

      Alternatively, would she be ok as an outdoor cat with shelter/food/etc?

      1. Elisabeth*

        Sadly, she can’t be outside. Last time this was tried she became a “grill cat”. She managed to get the grill lid open and would be there, only come out to eat, and go back in. Her grooming became very poor and she drooled from stress all the time.

    4. noname*

      What jumped out at me is this is happening after a couple of moves across country. Cats often do not like change and I think your girl is doing this because she does not feel safe. Look for cat behaviorists or similar specialties in your area and see if they can help. Sounds like you have ruled out medical problems with vets, now try someone who understands and can provide guidance on modifying cat behavior.

    5. Turtlewings*

      Agreeing with previous comments that she might have to become, to one degree or another, an outdoor cat. I know outdoor cats face a lot of environmental risks and don’t tend to live as long, but frankly they enjoy it (i.e. the risks don’t bother THEM until they hit the one that kills them) and it’s better than putting her down! If you start letting her outside for short periods, you may find she holds it until then, or you may be able to leash-train and take her out for potty breaks like a dog. (I’ve never heard of anyone doing that, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.)

      (I kept a cat her whole life who pooped outside the box, not every time, but pretty much daily. I had to just resign myself to constant clean-up; in her case I could put down newspapers or puppy pads near her box and she’d use them. It sounds your problem is significantly worse, alas.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, I have one with litter box issues also and I’d taking cleaning up poop over pee any day! It’s generally solid, so it’s easy to clean up.

        I agree with taking her out on a leash, as that might help her. OP could also put her on a short run outside (assuming she has a private yard) and keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t get tangled up. If she does her business outside, then consider putting her in the small area with a large litter box at night so she’s forced to either use it or pee in her food or bed. I do have one outdoor cat (all the others are indoors) and he doesn’t go on a leash, but I realize that’s not right for every cat owner and/or their geographic area. Mine sticks to the yard exclusively, so I don’t worry about him when he’s out.

      2. Elisabeth*

        I replied above that outdoor is not an option for her. She gets extremely stressed and hides except when she darts out to guzzle her food down. I will say, when she was very small, her brother used to cover her litterbox messes for her. She seems…weird. She’ll poop in the tub (and only in the tub) and then scratch the walls as if to cover it. Or she’ll get in the litterbox, pee on the side and then…scratch the ground next to the litterbox.

        We might be able to try the litterbox training. Thanks for the tips, everyone, I appreciate it

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          you might also consider teaching her how to use a litter box like you would a kitten. ie, when she is in the box, take her paw and gently move it to cover. put her poop in the box then again use her paw to cover it. if she simply didn’t learn, that might help.

          1. Pibble*

            I don’t know if the paw thing would help — many cats would be way too freaked out by you physically moving their paws around to learn much. But putting the poop in the box so she learns where it goes is a good idea, especially in combination with the really big box idea.

            Which reminds me, one other thing to consider is how you’re cleaning so the smell of where she has pooped before doesn’t attract her back. Using an odor neutralizing product can help a lot, if you aren’t already. I used to swear by Nature’s Miracle, but they’ve changed their formula (it’s a long drama) and I don’t think it works nearly as well. The only one I found that helped when my dog was going back to where she’d peed on the carpet is Anti-Icky Poo (as much as it kills me to purchase a product with that silly of a name…). You may already be on top of this, but I figured I’d mention it in case it helps!

        2. Jane of all Trades*

          Is there only one litterbox for your 2 cats? Have you considered getting a second one? When I moved across the country, from a big apartment into a smaller space shared with a roommate, one of my cats became so stressed that he would often go either in the sink or somewhere in the vicinity of the litter-box. We now have two litter boxes, and haven’t had a single issue. Maybe get a second one, that’s easy to get into if she’s older, and place it in the tub if that’s where she currently does her business.
          Also, have you ruled out additional
          stressors? You said that you moved a couple of times, is it possible that your cat has really high stress levels right now? There are a couple of scented things that can decrease stress levels, as well as making sure that your cat has all her other needs met such as a vertical and a horizontal scratching post, food and water in a safe place, safe places to sleep, and affection from her humans? Is the new place particularly loud? Maybe try to rule out all these factors! Good luck!

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Oh wait, Elisabeth has two cats? That changes my answer a bit. If there’s only one box for two cats, that might be the issue. There should be one box for every cat plus an extra one. Some cats do not like to share litter boxes, it there may be some aggression going on where one cat will corner or attack the other in the litter box, which leads to litter box issues.

          2. MatKnifeNinja*

            I don’t own a cat, but my friend went through a similar deal with her three cats after moving three times in a year.

            She started with 7 (!) boxes and gradually decreased it down to two. No more poop in the sink or on top of the heat vents.

            1. Dawbs*

              Sometimes, finding a way to pee inappropriately, and tolerate it canhelp.

              My cat has issues and peeS RIGHT outside the box. We ran out of options,and put a lipped tray under the litter box.
              We clean up lake pee from the tray daily, (or more) and my house survives without gross.

              Not ideasl, but… where is cst peeing?

    6. tangerineRose*

      Jackson Galaxy has a book, Total Cat Mojo, that has useful suggestions.

      I’ve got a kitty who poops near but not in the litterbox. Fortunately, it’s on the vinyl, so it’s easy to clean.

    7. Not Australian*

      Have you tried Feliway? It sounds like she’s stressed, and un-stressing her might help considerably.

    8. Chicago anon*

      I have a friend who has a cat with similar issues. She got the cat a really huge cage, outfitted it with climbing furniture and hidey places, put it in a window so the cat can see out, and the cat just lives there except for cuddle times and some supervised play. The cat was much, much happier in the cage and completely stopped thinking outside the box (so to speak). I think after awhile she might even have been able to transition him to living in her apartment with the cage door open so he can retreat there if he’s stressed, but I don’t remember the details on that. This might be worth trying, especially if you have landlord problems.

      1. Pibble*

        That’s an excellent management strategy — even if the kitty’s impossible to retrain (which isn’t the foregone conclusion the vets thought), euthanasia definitely isn’t the only possibility.

    9. Pibble*

      Cat behaviorists are much rarer than dog behaviorists, but they do exist (it’s not a formal title or anything, so they may be going by other names). Unfortunately, there is a perception that cats (and certain breeds of dog, and fish, and rattlesnakes, and butterflies, and, and, and…) are untrainable because they don’t respond well to the historic “if I physically force you to do what I tell you to often enough, you’ll learn that it’s easier to do it before I force you” training methods. It sounds like your vets may have been falling into that trap — sure, there are some behavior problems that are resistant to treatment, but there’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t try before recommending euthanasia, for crying out loud!

      It’s been quite a while since I read it, so I don’t remember if it addressed adult litter box issues specifically, but I remember really liking the book Think Like A Cat by Pam Johnson-Bennett. As you might guess from the title, she’s big on trying to understand the cat’s point of view and the cat’s unique needs that humans often don’t realize are a problem until the cat starts acting up.

      (P.S. I wasn’t kidding about the fish, rattlesnakes, and butterflies. I know people who have successfully trained all of those species, and I’ve heard of many more. Modern training methods that involve figuring out what the animal wants/needs and explicitly teaching them the appropriate way to get it are really effective.)

    10. Anon today*

      For the past two years my twenty year old cat wouldn’t use the litter box much of the time. After some trial and error, I found a place she would use consistently (behind a love seat) and put a couple of puppy pads there, problem basically solved. Once in a while she’d miss, but most of the time I just picked up the dirty pad and put down a clean one
      If you try it and it works, the cheapest place to buy large puppy pads is Costco.

    11. Thursday Next*

      She sounds stressed—Feliway, or even anxiety medication, could help.

      I also like some of the suggestions upthread about large box/small space, or large, fully tricked-out cage. Some cats like the coziness and find it calming.

      1. Daffy Duck*

        Did you know that most litter boxes aren’t really designed in a shape that cats like? Try a sweater box (very large with low sided so easy to get in and out) and have at least 1 more litter box than you have cats. Put them in different rooms in places she already likes to poop.
        The puppy pads and good hiding places/cage that is “her spot” are good ideas also.

        1. Dawbs*

          Wer also had succes putting down a rubbermaid tote we cutdoors into, better than commercial box es

  49. Justin*

    Just finished “Bad Blood,” about the rise and fall of Theranos and Elizabeth Holmes. Holy lord, what a supervillain. (The book makes it clear that although many men were around doing bad things, the hubris and main decisions that ended up hurting people were all hers, for a decade.)

    I am excited to see Adam McKay/JLaw film of the book next year. Could be really something.

    2. Roberta Plant*

      I just read it too!! Really amazing, and I could hardly put it down. I can’t believe all the money they spent on stuff like her security detail and legal counsel and surveillance — and it was all like Biotech Theater!

  50. LNLN*

    I am newly retired. Yesterday was my last day of work. I’m 63 years old and there are so many things I want to do, I don’t even know where to start! Actually, I do know where to start…this weekend I am dis-assembling my desk (I have been WAH the past 10 years) and reclaiming that corner of the room in my studio.

    2. Nicole76*

      Oh how exciting – congratulations! I bet that feeling of not having to think about work is amazing. Care to share some of the things on your to do list?

      1. LNLN*

        Thank you! I plan to quilt (I’m into modern quilting), swim laps, meditate, re-decorate my living room, bike, take classes at the local community college, develop my block printing skills and travel. I have been doing some of those things already, but will have a lot more time for them now!

    4. Whatsinaname*

      Congratulations. I have 4 years, ten months and 4 days to go. But who’s counting. I have never understood people who say that they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves when they retire. There’s a whole world of opportunity and fun things to do when the need to earn a living no longer interferes. Hope you enjoy every minute.

    6. MysteryFan*

      My advice is to Go Slow. I found that I simply REVELED in being able to sleep later, or nap if the urge struck me. Don’t underestimate how tired you can be from being “on” all day every day for years.. Also, beware of taking on commitments to organizations, don’t say “yes” to every perceived need just yet. See how much time you really have available to volunteer before making it official that you’ll drive the bus, or edit the newsletter.. and congratulations! My hope is that you will enjoy your retirement as much as I do!

  51. Be the Change*

    What’s your love of the week?

    Embarrassing, but mine is instant coffee. Caffeine jolt in two minutes. What can I say!

    1. hermit crab*

      What kind do you like? My 98-year-old grandpa can’t deal with a regular coffee maker anymore but he’s fine using a microwave or kettle — the kicker, though, is that he is Colombian and thus super intense about his coffee. Surprisingly, he is very pleased with the Starbucks Via brand (only the Colombian variety, of course). I brought a few packets on my last camping trip and it’s actually quite good. I don’t go to Starbucks a lot but as far as I can tell, I like those Via packets better than the regular Starbucks drip coffee.

      1. Be the Change*

        I use instant Kona, the Malvadi brand, and order it direct from them. It’s a bit spendy but no more so than Via, and actually pretty much tastes like coffee.

      2. Merci Dee*

        I work for a company with a high percentage of Korean and Korean-American employees. They introduced a Korean brand of instant coffee to the office, called Maxim Mocha Gold. I would say that about 90% of the American staff have developed their own addictions to this stuff. I don’t drink coffee at work, but everyone says it’s strong but smooth and doesn’t need any enhancements like cream or sugar. It’s actually quite astonishing how much of this stuff we go through in a day.

      3. MysteryFan*

        The Starbucks VIA is my favorite instant coffee. I think it’s because it’s “real” coffee that’s been freeze dried or something.

    2. Elisabeth*

      This will sound weird: my new counselor/psychologist/therapist. He had a plan and then when he realized that I was inherently an honest person that could say super brutal things about my own health, he quickly switched gears to something that would help me more overall.

      He also didn’t blink not once about calling My Failures at the Big 4 institutional betrayal and saying I had a form of PTSD. Which…was incredibly validating because yeah. I have so many triggers that lead to instant panic because of my time at that job and how it ended.

      So that’s been a simple win for me.

    3. Overeducated*

      My new bike! My last bike was a Walmart level mountain bike I bought off Craigslist for $30 and have put a lot more than that into parts and labor over 8 years. My new bike is nothing fancy, it’s the second cheapest commuter hybrid at my local bike store, but this is the biggest physical item purchase I’ve maybe ever made (not a homeowner, haha). I feel like I’ve gone from “making it work” to actually having a working adult bike! Took a whole week to find a rack that fit since my old one didn’t, which meant i couldn’t use it for day care transport and had to take bus, but took the kid out to swim lessons on it this morning and all is in good shape.

  52. Lily Evans*

    I was on vacation with my family for the past few days and it was a total mess. It was me, my parents, my 21-year-old sister, and her best friend. As soon as we got to the airport it became apparent that I was the only one who’d really researched the destination and the only one capable of reading the signs in the airport. The first night while we were looking for a place to eat I felt like a tour guide to a group of hangry children who were incapable of choosing a place to eat. Then the next morning we all met for breakfast and my mom was in a pissy mood because my sister and her friend got up early and went to the pool without inviting anyone else. So we all convene at breakfast and make plans for the rest of the day. My parents and I wanted to go see some exhibits, but my sister and her friend weren’t interested in them, so they made plans to spend more time drinking by the pool. At the same time we made dinner reservations and I was the only one who had a list of places I’d like to try, since I’m vegetarian I always research food options beforehand, and we found a place we all agreed on and made a reservation.

    Spending the day with my parents was fine and I felt like things were going fairly smoothly for the way my family can be. Then dinner happened. As soon as we sat down in the restaurant my mom immediately started talking about how she felt uncomfortable with the prices (after talking about wanting a fancy meal in one of the most expensive cities in the US and previously discussing the restaurant’s price points that morning). And at some point in the day my sister and her friend had fought and weren’t speaking, so my sister was pouting and her friend was desperately trying to make small talk. Once our meals came we sat in silence for a while until my mom decided to announce, “Well this is awkward.” And then she went off on my sister and her friend about how disappointed she was in their behavior and wouldn’t drop it even after they apologized, and this wasn’t like a mature, measured “I’m disappointed” speech, it was more akin to an angst-ridden teenage diatribe. My sister and my mom just kept sniping at each other until I had to step in and suggest that we all go our separate ways and take a breather. To which my mom replied that we’d been going our separate ways all day, because apparently she was upset that my sister hadn’t wanted to go to the exhibits with us but she’d never said anything, just held onto that resentment all day. But I was like nope, nothing good is going to happen if we keep sitting here sniping at each other, and my dad backed me up on that so we left with my mom and my sister both in tears. My sister and her friend made up and I hung out with them for the night and we went to a bakery we’d all wanted to try.

    The next morning the three of us wanted to treat ourselves to a fancy brunch place that my parents had deemed too expensive the day before, but when they found out about our plans they decided to come. And then my mom sat across the table from my sister and refused to even look at her because that’s how rational adults behave. After breakfast we all split up again and my mom was almost crying because my sister and her friend didn’t invite her to the pool with them, because she couldn’t just like ask them to go. They were supposed to read her mind. So she went alone and my dad and I had some nice drama-free time together. Then dinner that night was going fine until my mom decided to declare that the entire trip had been a “disaster.” And then she was upset that we’d gone to the bakery the night before without her, so I went again with her and she insisted she knew where it was despite the fact that I’d already been there and told her we were going the wrong way. So we walked a mile out of our way while she tried to get me to agree that she’d been right at dinner the night before and I had to toe the line between not causing her to implode again without actively reinforcing her bad behavior, and we finally arrived at the bakery where my mom decided that actually, she didn’t want anything. And thankfully we left the next morning, once again I was the only person who could read the signs at the airport, and I am never going on a trip with my family again. I’m also honestly hurt, but not at all surprised, that my mom spent all of her time harping on how my sister didn’t spend time with her but never once showed any appreciation that I spent half the trip doing things with her.

    1. KR*

      I think your mom may be struggling with the fact that when you travel with older children people are going to do things separately. She sounds like a handful and I agree that you probably shouldn’t vacation with them again unless she matures. Or you could but you could stay in a separate hotel with your own separate plans.

      1. Lily Evans*

        Oh, I completely forgot to include the most ironic part! Before the trip she told us that once the plane landed we would all be “on our own” planning and money wise because we’re all adults. So she pretty much told us to make separate plans and then threw a fit when we made separate plans.

    2. WellRed*

      I find it hard to believe this is the only time your mom has been such a colossal PITA. Needy, clingy, whiny.

      1. Lily Evans*

        It certainly wasn’t! It was just the longest I’ve spent time with her in years and she’s gotten worse than she used to be. My grandmother is the exact same way, so the apple doesn’t fall far.

    3. only acting normal*

      “…because that’s how rational adults behave.”
      *snort*
      Family holidays are one of the lower circles of hell.
      We’ve had: sulking parent who won’t say why, parent + new partner behaving like teenagers and oversharing tales of their nocturnal habits in front of the grandkids, freeloading siblings, unplanned friends turning up, grumpy kids, grumpy adults, grandparents reducing kids to tears, me getting heatstroke again (sorry I haven’t learned yet), bad driving making the kids carsick, casual racism from the inlaws… and we’re going on another later this year.
      8-/

      1. Lily Evans*

        That sucks. It’s definitely times like this trip that I’m glad my family is small and there are no kids involved!

    4. LizB*

      Ugh, that sounds awful. I hope you had a good time at the exhibits and with your sister, at least. It’s amazing how some people will behave like total buttheads and then be so shocked and offended when nobody wants to hang out with them.

    5. Observer*

      It sounds like you need avoid vacations with your mother, not family in general. I mean your sister wasn’t a model guest, but overall her behavior seems livable. Your mother, on the other hand…

      Of course she didn’t notice your attempts to be with her – she was too busy fixating on the terrible misdeed of you and (especially) your sister failing to read her mind. That takes up waaay more head-space.

      1. Lily Evans*

        Yeah, my sister can have her moments, but my mom should really know by now that when she’s in a mood the best thing to do is to not engage and let it blow over. Had she done that instead of pushing my sister’s buttons it wouldn’t have turned out half as bad. Also 21 is no one’s high point for maturity, so there’s still hope for her.

  53. Red Reader*

    We had a gory standoff this week between my younger dog and a woodchuck. :P We think what happened is, the dog approached the woodchuck thinking she could play with it, the woodchuck got spooked and backed up into a corner of the fence and lashed out with his teeth or claws and scratched her nose, and she got REALLY MAD because THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PLAY, and nipped him back. So when I got out back to see what all the ruckus was for – because my bigger dog was caterwauling around in a very “Can’t we all just get along, I’m very worried because my sister is upset” fashion, while Froshus McPuppy was yelling at the woodchuck who was yelling back – there was a gory mess, because everybody’s nose bleeds like billy-o even if the injury is minor.

    Everybody has survived their experience largely unscathed and I have five pounds of crystallized fox pee being delivered today to hopefully deter Chuck from making any more wrong turns at Albuquerque and get rid of the rabbits nesting under my shed too.

    So far, she’s faced off with the chuck, with a stray cat (that I ended up driving around Indianapolis for three damn hours trying to find someplace to get him medical treatment because he had an injury before he ended up in my yard), two possums, and all the rabbits. And every time, it starts because she wants to play. Just play with your sister, please, it’s much easier on my nerves. :P

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      LOL. I had to head off my cat trying to play with a skunk once. It’s a good problem to have, they’re friendly, but the consequences….

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        I have video footage of my cat (who is normally a colossal wimp) facing down a fox. Long story short, in the UK storms earlier this year our fence blew down, and while we were waiting to get it fixed the neighbours had a fox living in their shed. This particular day I was working from home and the fox comes in our garden tossing a gardening glove around. It’s about as big as a medium-sized dog. Cat (who weighs about 10lb/4kg) bursts through cat flap, plonks himself in flower bed and sits there staring at this fox five or six feet away, with this proper ‘come and have a go if you’re think you’re hard enough’ attitude. The staring contest went on for a good couple of minutes and I was literally expecting to have to ring the vet at any moment, but eventually the fox skulked off and the cat strutted back into the house like he owned the place. I felt like a proud cat mum that day!

    2. LCL*

      Funny! What kind of dog is the trouble maker? Are you sure she’s playing and not hunting?

      1. Red Reader*

        She’s a whippet mix — so she could definitely be hunting, they were originally bred to hunt rodents, but when I’ve seen it, it’s always started with playing behaviors, the same play-bows she does to our other dog and the cats. So who knows!

        1. LCL*

          Since she’s a critter catcher, ask your vet if there is leptospirosis in your area, and if she thinks your dog should get the van.

          I love whippets, I hope to have one some day.

          2. Red Reader*

            My girls did get the lepto vax this year, vet recommended it because of the higher number of critters coming around our area!

  54. Kali*

    Bit of a setback in my ongoing emotion management.:/ I told my ex off. We broke up in April and last week; inbetween it was a horrendously dragged out process. I think I figured out why I was being so cruel; I was trying to kill the bit of me that still loved him and believed in us, so it would stop hurting sooner. I think I also wanted to get a reaction out of him, just to show that he did care, in some way, and so he would hurt like I did. None of which are great.:/ At least, realising those things about myself is useful. My current mantra is “I have a big sad right now and it’s nobody’s fault and it will get smaller with time”, and then trying to distract myself.

  55. Aurora Leigh*

    Anyone here ever visited Iceland?

    Boyfriend and I are contemplating going, maybe next year. I’ve never traveled out of the US, and he’s only been to South America on a college trip . . . so we are complete newbies at international travel!

    Admittedly the cheap flights on WOW air were what first gave us the idea, but we love camping and nature and it seems really cool.

    We’re a little uncertain about planning this whole thing oursleves like we would for a US vacation. Should we talk to a travel agent? What could they help us with that google can’t?

    We’re looking at tour packages, I’ll include a link to the one we’re considering in reply.

    2. NicoleK*

      We went to Iceland in 2017. Beautiful country. We rented a car and drove around part of the country. Iceland is very easy to navigate. They drive on the same side of the road as the US, majority of the people speak English, and our credit cards were accepted everywhere. One thing to keep in mind is that we found Iceland to be expensive.

    3. Reba*

      Spouse recently visited Iceland, and would strongly recommend going there during shoulder season–he was there in March, still winter, and found it plenty full of tourists (for him, we probably have a lower tolerance for crowds than many). It’s a small place so when it’s hopping with visitors you will encounter them all. The island is becoming direly over-touristed.

      If you drive, I don’t think you would need a tour package, unless being driven around appeals to you. The internet and/or a guidebook will do you just fine. Many of the cool natural places to visit are basically next to the road (again, small place) so it isn’t hard to get out and explore.

      Have fun if you go!

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        We’re actually thinking about shoulder season, maybe early Sept, as he would have trouble getting the time off in the summer.

        We both drive, but we’re a little worried about about driving in another country — glad it seemed doable to him!

    4. Lily Evans*

      Iceland is a very well-traveled destination, so the tourism infrastructure is great and it’s incredibly easy and safe to get around so it’s a great choice for a first-time international traveler! Because of that, I’m not sure there’s much that a travel agent could offer that you couldn’t do on your own. Also a lot of tour packages are incredibly pricey, my advice is to at least look into renting a car or a camper van since you said you like camping. Do some googling about self-driving and camping along the Ring Road to see how other people have done it and gauge if it feels doable to you.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        We’re looking at a camping tour that doesn’t seem to unreasonable.

        But will consider the self driving again, since people here say it’s not so bad. :)

    5. Apollo Warbucks*

      Ive never been but I’ve heard really good things from the people I know who have been.

    6. Mimmy*

      My parents were there in late May for their anniversary. They had a wonderful time, but said it was VERY cold and windy; I don’t know if it’s like that year-round. I think they also used a private tour guide.

  56. Alex the Alchemist*

    Hi everyone! I shared a few open threads back that I was beginning kickboxing, and I wanted to share that it’s going GREAT. I’ve had some off days (my back was really acting up this week), but I’m usually able to go in 2-3 times per week and I feel a lot stronger! Thank you to everyone who gave suggestions! Someone suggested eating a lot of vegetables for the first few days and it was actually my community garden’s harvest day that Sunday, so I was able to have all the veggies I wanted. I learned that roasted turnips with garlic and Parmesan cheese are amazing.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I’m considering taking up kickboxing (sort of considering… I probably can’t afford it). What’s it like, in terms of fun vs. pain and exhaustion?

      1. Alex the Alchemist*

        The fun really outweighs the stress/exhaustion for me. I have chronic pain due to scoliosis, so I was really worried that the pain would be unbearable for me the next day. What I’ve found helpful was spacing out my first few classes so I’d have a couple days of rest in between. I also often do a short yoga routine in the evenings (Yoga with Adrienne on Youtube has ones for pain in various places). I think the main thing in terms of exhaustion for me is, when I’m having a bad pain day after a kickboxing session, it usually just means that I’ll want to go to work and come home and not really do anything in the evening for 1-2 days, so that’s not too bad of a trade-off, especially since I’ve been getting a lot stronger so the pain is less frequent. I’ve also found that it’s wonderful stress relief- I have anxiety and this helps me combat the bad thoughts in ways that meditation doesn’t for me. I also feel like a total bad*ss since I actually have some semblance of muscle now and I’ve also gotten a few small bruises that look cool, at least to me, since I’ve never considered myself a particularly “tough” person.

    2. annakarina1*

      That’s great! I’m happy that it’s working out for you, and that you feel better.

  57. Nicole76*

    Anyone see The Quiet Place? Watched it last night, enjoyed it, and then made the mistake of reading the reviews on IMDB where people just ripped it apart. Yes, there were plot holes (what movie doesn’t have them?) but there were a few common complaints about something that supposedly didn’t make sense that actually did make sense and I found it perplexing that so many people didn’t get it. I just need to talk to someone about this.

    1. Mimmy*

      Saw it when it was in the theaters. I really liked it (the actress who played the daughter is Deaf in real life). Hopefully I can help :)

      1. Nicole76*

        Oh yes, I read about that about the actress in the trivia on IMDB as well. :)

        Ok, so here are the common complaints I read and my rebuttals:

        Q. If the aliens had impenetrable armor that even the military couldn’t defeat, how does a shotgun blast to the head kill the one in the basement?
        A. Once the girl discovered the feedback from her cochlear implant tortured them, their heads “opened up” to reveal a vulnerable area that normally would be covered by their exoskeleteon.

        Q. If they could talk and even scream by the waterfall, then why didn’t they just build a house there?
        A. Because you can’t build a house on top of a waterfall so where exactly were they expected to build it, and how do you propose they get all those materials to the site quietly?

        Q. Why would you use a flimsy mattress to cover the hole to the soundproofed room?
        A. Because a) the mattress dampens sound and b) a more secure door would make too much noise. This is why they were slowly just plastering paper on the walls and not using heavier materials.

        —

        I do agree that letting the young boy bring up the rear when walking home at the beginning was very dumb, but it helped advance the plot so I get why it happened. I also half-agree that having another kid in that situation was very stupid. Were they planning on keeping him in a box with an air canister for the next four years, or did they feel the sound-proofed room would suffice? But people have unplanned children all the time so how is this situation really any different?

        I do think the nail in the stairs made zero sense because it wouldn’t have been sticking up like that unless the laundry bag ripped off the head. Plus I kept saying to my husband “is she going to tell the rest of the family about it or are they going to step on it too?”

        I’m also not clear on how they had electricity for the lights along the path but used candles and lanterns indoors. I must have missed something that explained that.

        Oh, and the people complaining about the dad screaming to draw attention away from the children instead of distracting the alien with sound away from his location by some other means – again, it was to enhance the plot, much like in many other films. Honestly, if things were 100% logical then most movies wouldn’t have something to build upon.

        What do you think?

        1. Mimmy*

          I honestly don’t remember all the details, though I do vaguely remember wondering what the point was with the nail. I don’t think anyone ever stepped on it, right?

          I may have to watch the movie again!

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      I liked it too! It had flaws, but the horror movie market nowadays is a crapshoot, so I was pleasantly surprised. I took ASL in college so I was excited to see it in action in film and interesting to see how they handled having a deaf character (played by a deaf actress, as Mimmy pointed out!) I also kept expecting Dwight Schrute to show up with an airhorn.

    4. Sam Foster*

      Stop reading user-generated reviews. Some of them may be coming from a place of honest opinion but most of them any more are just nitpicking and tearing things down for the sake of tearing them down.

      1. Drunk Girl*

        I probably shouldn’t bring this up, but did you see the one that suggested you play a drinking game while watching it. Every time someone goes, “shhhhh,” you drink a shot.

        1. Sam Foster*

          I don’t need to drink during movies. The day drinking during work and then the binge drinking over dinner usually carries me through.

    5. Lorde*

      i enjoyed it immensely – but I am one of those people that get completely sucked into post apocalyptic worlds. Husband and I even had an hour of pretending that world was real and tried doing stuff as quiet as possible.

  58. Odyssea*

    In January of 2017, I started working full time, and the schedule killed me. I come home every day exhausted and not wanting to do anything but sit around and watch the tv. I figured my exhaustion was behind my lack of motivation, but now, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am going back to part time. And now I’m not as exhausted, but I have zero motivation. In fact, I’ve started having panic attacks about how much has fallen through the cracks, but that makes me less motivated and more likely to turn back to the tv or a video game. Any tips or tricks on regaining my motivation and getting things back on track?

    1. Penguin*

      I’ve found it helpful to really own my decisions, such as “I’m explicitly giving myself a period of time (e.g. the next two weeks) to completely ignore everything that “should” be done before I tackle things one at a time. (Side note: don’t conflate “I need to do this” with “I think I should do this”; despite society equivalencing them, they are NOT and shouldn’t be given the same emotional weight.) Then do tackle things, but don’t try to do everything at once. Be patient with yourself; you are healing.

    2. Red Reader*

      Maybe make a list of things that you want to catch up on, and every day set a small goal, like “today I’m going to do two things off the list” or “today I’m going to spend 15 minutes working on something on the list” or whatnot? I find that if I tell myself “I only have to (whatever) for ten minutes and then I can watch a show,” I end up going “Well, I might as well sweep the living room too now that the broom is out from doing the kitchen” or some such and giving myself “bonus achievements” :)

  59. Anonymous Ampersand*

    TLDR: I had a crappy day and need to vent. It would be nice if someone read it but it’s not compulsory as I know I’m moaning really.

    Today the following stuff has happened:
    -a really vivid memory of the (pretty minor, but…) incident that made me really realise that my marriage was probably over which made me cry
    -Medium Child having various meltdowns when he didn’t like the way the day was panning out
    -bumping into the ex’s best friend and *his* ex girlfriend and their child in the park and having to make nice with the grown ups and deal with my guilt over abandoning the child who was like an extra child to me before I left Y
    -my child getting hurt in the park and Y’s best friend realising what had happened and getting there before I did (he’s ok but I wasn’t sure at first)
    -a protracted conversation with the ex in which I managed to mess up so it ended up with us being “friends” on Pokémon Go, a scale that is measured in hearts. It’s Medium Child that plays not him…. but….
    -also he was complaining about being broke and the cost of childcare in the hols. He’s made some Poor Financial Choices recently IMO and apparently still isn’t seeing the connection. I… don’t really care any more. One of the (many!) reasons I left was his financial irresponsibility ; I’m not going to coddle him now.

    I feel very pointless when the child isn’t around. I want to go have a walk somewhere and then sit in a bar and write but England played today so this seems like a very bad idea and I can’t think of a friend I want to see who might be free tonight.

    I don’t really need advice or anything I just wanted to get it off my chest.

    On the bright side I’m not getting angry like I was the other week. Yes that was me. Small steps and all that.

    2. tangerineRose*

      That sounds like a really rough day. But at least your kid is OK and not hurt.

      Feeling pointless can be a sign of depression – have you gotten that checked out?

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        Maybe, and it’s not a bad idea to get counseling and screened for things like depression in this situation, but I know that feeling. My stepkid lives with me and my husband, and when she goes to her mom’s house for the weekend there are times when I’m like, “there is no small human here demanding my attention or getting into trouble. What am I supposed to do with myself with all this independence and peace??” It takes awhile but you get used to it.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You know, on days like this I like to go to bed early. That just seems to be the best way to make it all STOP.

      May tomorrow be better in meaningful ways.

  60. wingmaster*

    Yesterday, I went to a sample sale and bought myself a skateboard. I’m actually really stoked to use it but don’t have a lot of experience. Anyways, I hope I can make time to try it out today!

  61. NotaPirate*

    How do you respond to hate speech? Homophobic hate speech in this case but also in general. My instinct is to swear at the person, but I know sooner or later that’s going to get physical. My friend I was with thinks you just keep you head down and walk away. Sometimes they get nastier if you don’t give them a reaction though. Also what should you do as a bystander? The woman near us made apologetic eye contact but also didn’t say anything.

    1. Elisabeth*

      My fiancee and I are both under 5’2″. We’re also not exactly bodybuilders. If anyone were to call us something homophobic, I would have to walk away from it. But, we’re lesbians so it’s less likely someone will harass us on the whole. My only method has been to keep my chin up and if they call me the f word or d word, I just compliment them on their observational skills even if the linguistics could use some work.

    2. RestlessRenegade*

      That sounds tough, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
      For me it depends on the setting, players, etc. If someone was using homophobic hate speech at me, I don’t think I’d be able to respond well. I would probably cry or get really angry. I like to think that if someone used hate speech against someone else in front of me, I’d respond with the appropriate amount of disgust and disdain. Scripts for bystanders: “Wow, that’s awful.” “Whoa, why would you say that?” “That’s rude.” Knowing me, cursing is just my second language, so it’d probably be something like, “Whoa, what the f&%#? That is not okay!”
      I understand why bystanders don’t always intervene, and sometimes it’s unsafe for everyone to talk back, but I also think bystanders should intervene if they can. Hate speech is awful and I hope you feel better.

    3. Rick Tq*

      Ignore them and walk away. Don’t give the a**hole the satisfaction of a response, either as the target or as a witness.

      The only fights you win are the ones you never participate in. Defending yourself from physical attack is always appropriate, but escalating cat-calling into a physical confrontation will end badly.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Sorry you’re dealing with this!

      The only analogous experience I have is being catcalled, which is of course not the same but presents a similar dilemma – whether and how to respond. Depending on the situation and how safe I felt, I have:

      a) ignored/head high;
      b) flipped the person off;
      c) asked if they kiss their mother with that mouth;
      d) said “shame on you.”

      All without stopping. In retrospect, I feel that a and d are most like the person I want to be.

      As a bystander when someone is being harassed, I feel it’s best to give attention and power to the target instead of the perpeteator, so I ask if they are okay, if they want me to sit or walk with them, etc. I certainly wouldn’t want to call further unwanted attention to them or potentially escalate the situation, because they could get worse blowback. And they deserve the choice on how to handle it.

    5. Thlayli*

      I am also a 5’2” woman but I am a trained martial artist and live in a country where guns are not common. If someone insults me and I’m in a bad mood I curse them out. If someone attacks me I hit them back hard. I have also intervened in 2 domestic violence situations and got the guy to back off and leave the girl alone.

      I highly recommend taking up martial arts it does wonders for your confidence as well as your ability to defend yourself.

      When I hear hate speech – it is situational I’m not going to get my head kicked in for a stranger just because of words so I probably wouldn’t get involved if the person shouting looked scary and hadn’t actually hurt anyone yet. If they started hitting people I would probably start yelling and threatening to call the cops. If it’s a situation like in work or socially and someone makes bigoted remarks I usually call them on it. But not every single time – it’s situational again.

    6. Lora*

      Oh jeez, it’s really context dependent. If it’s family, I read em the riot act and go ahead and ruin Christmas or whatever.

      At work it’s more icy “we will discuss the ways in which you communicate with other colleagues LATER” with a Death Glare so they are clear that they are in so much trouble. If it’s someone higher ranking, they get horrified silence, broken with “did…did you actually say that out loud?” Or “well…bless your heart, I’ll pray for you.”

      Total stranger, honestly, my go to is currently, “nobody cares about your stupid opinion”. I have zero martial arts training but am a grumpy old lady and generally young punks don’t want to fight someone with grey hair and nerd glasses who looks like their mom.

  62. That's Not My Job*

    How do you deal with being in a different economic class than your friends?

    Late last year I finally found a community where I feel like I belong. The thing that makes me feel weird and worried I don’t fit in is that my husband makes a salary such that I don’t really work for a paycheck while all the other people in this group are always struggling somewhat to get by.

    A while ago at a hang out someone asked about our living situation. We live in a house. No, not rented, we own it. No, we didn’t just buy it, we’ve actually already owned it for a couple years. The reaction wasn’t particularly noteworthy, which made me feel better, but I still got pretty tense when we made sudden plans for someone to stop by my house for the first time.

    Or last night, when someone was so excited to be working so much overtime that they’re able to pay their bills on time and the general response from the group was “wish I was in your shoes” and then immediately after someone talked about a situation where for a limited time they’ll be making roughly the same amount per month that we do (or did, until this week when husband finally got a job that pays what he’s worth and by next month we’ll be getting an extra $3k/month) and everyone acted really blown away.

    What makes me want to keep them in the dark is I come from a family that makes much less than us and family members are always making jokes about us being rich. “Oh we’ll just come to your house and use your pool” (because we must have a mansion with a pool since we make more than a handyman) or “but you’re so rich you’re going to pay for us to do Thing right?” And I get so uncomfortable with that because you’re talking like I must not have a care in the world but I have a lot of the same problems you do! We’re still only a few years out of school, the majority of the leftover money after bills goes to student loans.

    I don’t want to keep worrying that people will figure out how much we have and treat us differently, but how do I stop? Do I need to just shut off the worry? Announce how much we make and deal with the aftermath? (Also wish me luck with telling parents about husband’s new job and dodging the money questions today)

    1. WellRed*

      I think you may be overthinking it. Possibly because y our family is so obnoxious about it. Be kind. Be yourself. Don’t brag ( it sounds like you don’t) and don’t suggest expensive plans.

    2. So-Called Rich*

      I can relate to this because of everyone in both our families my husband and I make the most. We also get harassed by my mother in particular for not sharing just how much we make. I’ve explained to her before how those things change other people’s perceptions and expectations. For instance, my family doesn’t understand why we choose not to blow money on needless items when we can afford it. In fact, of everyone in our family we are probably the most frugal because we are focused on the long-game (retiring before official retirement age) and we’re extremely risk adverse so we’re socking away as much money as possible. Meanwhile I see everyone buying games, movies, etc. and going out to eat often. Then here we are utilizing the library to borrow said items because we’d rather not spend the money to own and then have to store all that media and only going out to eat on the weekends. Although in their defense I will say it’s much easier to be frugal when it’s a choice and not a requirement.

      That’s not to say we’re cheap or we don’t have fun or spend money on things we want. We’re just very particular about those things. I got a new car last year after running my old one almost into the ground and while I could have afforded a luxury vehicle I went with something much more affordable (and paid cash because I hated the idea of a monthly payment even though technically I lost out on the interest earned if I had been able to do 0% financing). Also, we don’t replace our phones as often as most people. I’m going on year four for my phone and my husband had his for five years before it died and he was forced to upgrade. So it’s more about priorities over wealth, similar to how you’re using that extra income to pay off your school loans.

      I think the things above, plus the fact that we live well below our means, keeps most people from even suspecting we have as much as we actually do. It’s still obvious to close family that we’re better off, but I don’t think they realize just how much we have in the bank, nor will they find out unless we both die.

      Also, situations can change at a drop of a hat. My husband was out of work for almost a year at one point and that feeling of having to dip into savings and withdrawing it quicker than you were able to save it is pretty scary. It’s one of the reasons we try to save as much as possible since our current income isn’t guaranteed indefinitely.

      Anyway, sorry to ramble about myself. To answer your question, I would not give in and tell them what you make. It’s none of their business and you won’t be able to control the aftermath. I would actually downplay your financial standing because people can get pretty nasty when they’re jealous.

    3. HannahS*

      I’m often in a similar situation. I don’t think you need to hide anything, but I certainly don’t think you have to tell people how much you guys make! I think the best thing is to exude a profound sense of gratitude for what you have, and be sensitive about what you say about money to your friends. For example, there’s a difference between smiling and saying, “Yes, we’re very fortunate to own our house. I love where we live” and trying to deflect from your wealth by saying, “Yeah, but we were able to afford it because we budgeted really well.” I’m sure that you DID budget well and are financially responsible, but your friends would hear the implied criticism that they budget poorly and that’s why they don’t have houses, which of course isn’t true.

      Since you’re the one with more, be (reasonably) generous with your friends. Have them over and feed them. You know they’re struggling to pay their bills, so don’t suggest group activities that cost money. Suggest a BBQ potluck at the park and bring the main course because you might be the only one that can afford to buy meat for a group. Things like that. You’ll see what happens. If they expect more and more spending from you and act resentful, then you can’t really be friends. If everyone is gracious, you’re good.

      I think the mistake people make is to deflect from their good fortune. Life is unfair, and within this group, financially, it’s unfair in your favour. It’s not fair that your friends work multiple jobs and can’t pay their bills. While you may have similar problems in other ways–like not getting along with family–the fact that you’re financially secure and they’re not makes their lives different from yours in a major way. If they comment on it, acknowledge that it’s true; they need to see that you don’t think their financial situations are their fault, that you’re not a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of person. Now, if they refuse to allow that you suffer in other ways–like if you’re never allowed to complain about anything, or if they raise the issue of your money when it’s not what you’re talking about–then it’s their problem and it might not be possible to be friends.

      1. Temperance*

        It sounds like LW’s husband is self-made, which makes it more awkward. I have more education and more money than anyone I grew up with, and it’s weird because, well, I did pull myself up by the bootstraps, in a way. I also had a lot of luck (higher than average intelligence and ability in school).

        1. HannahS*

          Yeah, it can definitely be awkward anyway. Everyone’s success and failure involves an element of luck, and sometimes it’s hard to be sensitive without being self-effacing, and hard to celebrate your own work without being insensitive. It’s a bit of a digression, but I have a good friend right now who grew up in–not poverty, I don’t think, but let’s say there was no extras and no safety net, and in a couple of years, he’s going to be making far, far more than anyone else in our friend group. It’s interesting to compare myself to him, because by becoming a surgeon, he’s making a huge economic leap, but by becoming a doctor I’m basically reproducing what I grew up.

      2. Overeducated*

        This is lovely advice. I am in the opposite position (struggling more than my friends/peers as my spouse looks for work). That is how people can be gracious. Also, if they invite you to something at an apartment, don’t make comments about how cute it is or how it reminds you of when you were a student…I speak from experience, now I’m embarrassed to invite people over.

        Honestly though, sometimes I really DO appreciate when people mention details like how much they make or that their down payment was an inheritance. It makes me feel like we’re doing ok with what we have, which happens to be less, rather than that I’ve horribly mismanaged my finances and am where i am because of terrible mistakes. So if you think they are basically realistic and responsible people, you don’t have to shy away from being real either. Avoiding money talk is an American thing that I think mystifies wealth unfortunately.

        1. HannahS*

          Oh for sure, it’s a problem that we don’t talk more about money! Among some of my friends, we feel comfortable asking each other how much we pay in rent, or how much that flight cost.

          1. HannahS*

            Oh weird, cut myself off there. Anyway, I hope as we start to make bigger financial decisions (cars, property, increasing education debt, children, weddings, etc.) we become more forthcoming. Some friends, I have zero idea how they’re managing to afford what they do and can just silently hope they aren’t putting themselves too deeply into debt.

    4. LilySparrow*

      This is why talking about money is rude. It makes people feel excluded or alienated.

      If your friends don’t know how much you make, you are doing it right and using good manners. The friend who was questioning you was being rude, and your family is horrendously rude.

      Feel free to invite people over if you want. If they make it wierd, that’s on them. As long as you keep on not bragging, flaunting the income difference, or initiating plans that are a hardship for your friends, you’re fine.

      1. Anonymous For This*

        Going anonymous for this one, but I’m kind of in the same boat. We have a big house, I just got a new car (coincidentally after running the old one into the group), we go on vacation every two years. I have family members with more and family members with less, and the latter – particularly my mom – are famous for saying, “Why don’t you pay for this/buy me this/do this for me because YOU CAN AFFORD IT.”

        What if I don’t want to afford it? What if most of our money we had was sunk into the house? I don’t like feeling like I have to justify my lifestyle. When I start working, we will have even more. I am dedicating that to paying off the credit cards and building up a ginormous slush/savings account. A few years ago, my husband was off work for near 1.5 years and yes, it’s scary how fast you can blow through tens of thousands of dollars when it’s not being replaced.

        It’s not a humblebrag of “Oh, we have so much”. We don’t talk about salaries or household income or what things cost. People look at what we have and what we do and draw their own conclusions.

        I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I like to be generous but it got the point where it was just assumed that I would pick up the tab for everything, no matter what it is. I’m hesitant to make new friends because I don’t want them just being friends with me for what I can provide, rather than who I am. I’m already working hard to make sure that our kids don’t act like spoiled, entitled, privileged brats.

        Ugh. I guess that’s all I got.

        1. Anonymous For This*

          *into the ground, not into the group. I wish we could edit for typos and wandering minds!

          1. Anon 4 this*

            Lol, I wondered. Also, my mother says the exact “Why don’t you buy me this…” line and it is just obnoxious and ungrateful and it bothers me way more than it should. No advice just very grateful that I’m not alone.

    5. Temperance*

      My other lawyer friends and I all share salaries, but otherwise, no one knows what we make. Booth and I have more money than either of our families, by a lot, and it’s weird. We’d end up being guilted into supporting them, and since we live in a Filial Responsibility state, we’re being very, very careful so that we don’t get financially screwed down the road.

      We don’t have many social friends who have different financial circumstances than we do, but I can imagine that would be awkward.

            1. Temperance*

              It’s a nightmare. I honestly considered buying a house in Delaware or New Jersey just to get away from it. The only way to escape liability is to hope that the court picks a different relative to pay, or to sue your siblings (which is GREAT for family harmony, FFS).

              In the Pittas case, a man was ordered to pay his mother’s nursing home bill even though she had a husband who was working.

    6. matcha123*

      I grew up poor and I am the poorest amongst my friends. I know that most of them have worked hard for high-paying jobs and are also smart, capable people. I am really happy for them, and only angry at myself for not being stronger when I was younger to stand up to adults who told me my interests were worthless.
      Then I have the “friends” who never worried about money and refuse to understand that I or anyone else they grew up with was/is poor. They want to be cheap down to the last cent. They want to split the bill when eating out when they took the initiative to order more food (and not share). The second group is the one I keep my distance from.

      As someone in the poor group, I know my friends make 5xs what I do. However, as long as they are aware of my situation, not making assumptions that I have poor spending habits, and don’t insist on me joining them for expensive outings, we are cool. I might suggest sharing your joy? of large purchases or vacations with people who are in similar economic circumstances. I had a “friend” who told me proudly about his mortgage (on an apartment his parents bought for him, which he must have forgotten he told me about) and how he spent $700 on athletic clothing in Guam that he hasn’t worn yet. That kind of stuff just kind of serves to rub salt in the wound.

      If they are logical people, they’ll understand you make more, but don’t look down or judge them for what they don’t have.

  63. RestlessRenegade*

    Thank you to everyone who commented on my thread last week about having nightmares about my ex! I didn’t get to respond in time but I did read all the responses and they made me feel so much better. I have a habit of taking on more than my share of responsibility (or taking responsibility for things that aren’t my fault) and this is just another example. I talked to my therapist about it and will likely talk to my sisters about it this week. I’m finding that the dreams are more frequent when I’m stressed about that relationship, which basically only happens when I’m dealing with some ongoing financial issues I’m having because of it. It’s nothing major, but it’s enough to stick in my subconscious and make me dream about it. I am also trying to keep my expectations for same-sex dating in check, because I think I’m romanticizing it way too much and likely to be disappointed. Anyway, I’m happily single for now and will stay that way for a long time! Thanks again, everyone!

    1. nep*

      You sound great. So glad you’re working through that. Sounds like you’re taking some good steps.
      All the best

  64. Jeanne*

    Hey there- I comment occasionally under another name regarding the odd day jobs I’ve had, but since I’m sharing something that identifies myself, I’m not going to post under my usual handle. Anyway – I just completed a labor of love, improve my animation skills long term project. It’s a sci-fi epic three minute long (!?!- you’ll see) video set to a bluegrass tune by one of my favorite musicians, who encouraged the project and even added extra ambient sound effects to enhance the piece. youtube link: https://youtu.be/68COpePuf5A

  65. hermit crab*

    There are a lot of good (and better than good!) things going on in my life lately, and it’s awesome, and I kind of don’t know how to deal. I do a lot in my community and I am more or less satisfied with the concrete actions I am taking to make a difference — that’s not really the issue. The problem is more that it feels ethically wrong to be happy right now, considering everything that is going on in the country/world and also closer to home, with some friends & family who are struggling. (Before anyone asks, yes, I have talked to my therapist about this, but she’s very much a practical, “put on your own oxygen mask first” type, which is totally valid, it just means she’s not the right person talk to about, like, moral philosophy.) Anyone else feel like this?

    Alternatively, feel free to chime in with things that are going well for you and we can be happy together. :)

    1. Book Lover*

      Yes. I was spiraling into a mess of anxiety and depression, even though my life is objectively amazing. I switched off Facebook, unsubscribed from news podcasts, and stopped looking at the news. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then, I have been reading lots of books, sleeping well at night, and being a better parent and human being. I donate to causes that I care about, I will vote in November. Being apprised of every terrible thing that is happening right now helps no one and makes me miserable.

      I do have moments of wondering whether it is ok to be happy when other people are suffering. I recognize I am in a position of privilege and that many people don’t get to switch this stuff off because it is happening to them. But realistically, my being miserable and stressed and anxious doesn’t help anyhow.

    2. nep*

      I can’t see how being less happy or fulfilled would in any way help our troubled country or world. (I know that’s not precisely what you’re saying, but it comes to my mind to say that.)
      What about contributing time or money to an organisation that is working to address some of the ills that are of most concern for you, to counter any guilt you might be feeling?

      1. nep*

        (So I realise now I didn’t directly address what you were asking…anyway those are my thoughts.)

    3. Thursday Next*

      I’m always skeptical of my own good feelings, which is I suspect a variant of “I don’t deserve to feel good when the world is terrible.”

      My view is that feeling good creates a positive energy for continued positive efforts, so rock on! It’s easier for me, at least, to do more (good) when I’m not sunk in low feelings.

    4. Overeducated*

      I think, in the broadest perspective, trying to grasp moments of happiness amidst unevenly distributed suffering and our own sense of responsibility to those we feel duty toward to is pretty fundamental to the human condition.

      Being happy at other people’s expense, from either personal cruelty or benefiting from unjust social and political systems, is where I know this gets tricky. But just feeling happy…no. The world sucks in a lot of ways and we’re all going to die and if we don’t get to love life and each other at all, what is even the point?

    5. Anono-me*

      Please enjoy being happy.

      When things are dark sometimes the only light is from someone else’s lamp.

      When I have hard times, I am still glad for my friends to have good times because I am happy for my friends and because it gives me hope and motivation to see that what I want is possible.

      When you have had hard times, would you have wanted other people to not enjoy their happy times because you were having difficulties? Please be as kind to yourself as you would be to others.

      (Overeducated has some good points about the source of your happiness. There is a big difference between being happy in a world where people are suffering and people suffering so that you can be happy.But I don’t think that is what you are talking about here.)

    6. Lcsa99*

      I am not really a pink person, but I have a feeling something more of a dusty rose would work better with the navy. I think the pink itself would need a little more weight to compete with the navy.

  66. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Who is good with paint colors? I’m getting ready to paint my office, which so far is not a very inviting place to work in. I want to make it more pleasing to the eye, and am leaning toward doing three walls in Benjamin Moore Tissue Pink (sample here) and one wall in BM Blue Note (sample here). Do these work together? Am I going to regret this?

    1. LilySparrow*

      They could look nice together, but that pink in particular is going to look really different depending on the light, even at different times of day.

      I’d recommend getting a sample jar and painting swatches, especially on the wall that gets the most natural light hitting it.

    2. Reba*

      LOVE the deep blue. If it were me I would try doing the deep blue at full strength and the pink at a weaker tint — they can do this when they mix the paint, doing the same recipe/ratios of pigments, but just less, so the color is true but less intense. Something that looks great on a sample can be a lot when it’s a whole wall or three.

      Which walls will be which? How does that play with your furniture and the light in the room?

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, I’d personally choose to favor the blue and let there be just a whisper of pink, thinking that a) i love the idea of a deep dark spacey office wall, and I’d want to lean in to that b) the pink might remind me of my parents house in the 80s, and c) two colors is sort of a lot, for me. Maybe it would be worth considering doing both colors at slightly less saturation?

          Much depends on the size of the office, too, I’m thinking. I’m picturing it with white furniture, a brass lamp and like a giant fern.
          It’s such an intriguing combination and I’m sure you will love it when done!

    3. AnonnyPaint*

      I think the pinky-blush would look wonderful with the dark blue, depending on light and furniture. I googled “blush and navy” and even though most of the images are for wedding colors, I think they would look great in a room!

    4. Jeanne*

      I think those go together well. The cool dark blue slightly more on the green instead of purple spectrum is a good contrast against a near complimentary but also lighter toned pink hue. You may want to find accent pieces ( little vases, throw pillows or blankets) of tones adjacent to that blue in the color wheel, both cooler and warmer.

    5. kc89*

      hmm that blue looks very dark, it’s such a stark contrast

      I love the idea of navy and blush but I can’t really picture it

    7. Temperance*

      My bathroom has a similar color scheme, and I really love it. It’s really relaxing.

    8. Minta*

      Those colors should look great together. Will they look good with the so-called un-moveables (flooring, large pieces of furniture, woodwork, etc.) in the room? You should be good to go if they play nicely with all the other elements.

      After that, lighting is key. Layer different lighting types/sources. Don’t rely on just ceiling lighting, and consider the temperature of the light each bulb produces–which is especially important these days with LED bulbs. They tend to run cool/blue. Know your preference, and look for bulbs that give you what you like. Almost any paint color and room will benefit. Best wishes!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I would probably go a bit lighter on the blue. Here’s my thought. Put the lighter blue that you chose up there. Get the other three walls done. If you don’t like the lighter blue you can easily change to the darker blue. It’s only one wall.

      That one dark wall will darken the whole room and effect how light bounces around in the room.
      If you have another wall loaded with books you could end up feeling like you have two dark walls.

      Consider your light sources. My living room is right next to my front porch. The porch floor was a dark grey. I painted it white and did not think about it. My dark living room got brighter because of the light on the front porch bouncing off the white paint. If your dark wall is across from your windows that will absorb the light during the day and make the room feel darker. Which is fine if that is what you want. Maybe cozy feels good for working so this means you got it. Conversely, if your dark wall is the one with the windows it could really make the room feel smaller.
      If you want bright and alive then the blue wall may be too dark for you.
      Also consider how you plan to set lamps or ceiling fixtures around the room. What going to be along the blue wall? If your filing cabinet is there, then you might end up needing an extra lamp right there. Again, this might work out perfect for your overall vision here. But if not, then it’s something to mull over.

      Floors and ceilings also play with lighting. A dark rug in this mix will add to the darkness of the room, which is fine if that is the goal. I had a tile ceiling in my bedroom which we took out. A plain sheetrocked ceiling gives the room a larger feel and helps to brighten the room during the day.

      Add up all the ways the room is being darkened, ceiling, rugs/floor, bookshelves, fixed lighting and so on. Dark paints also make a room or a house look smaller. As long as that is okay then no problem. You might figure out that something like a sassy lime green (or other sassy color) gives the room the little kick you are looking for.

      I buy paints on clearance tables. These are paints that were mixed for other people and they did not like them. One time I thought I was buying grey concrete paint for the laundry room floor. I got it home and opened it. It was purple. And it worked into one of the best mistakes I have ever made. I love that room, it’s a delight to go out there and work around in the room. The purple floor makes me smile every time I see it. I like to think about color in terms of how it impacts my mood/thinking. The pink is spunky, and the blue is sedate. They will probably be fine together but is this the tone you would like for the room?

    10. Budgie lover*

      I love both blue and pink but together they always look like baby colors to me. However I recently painted one room sea foam green and a wall in another room pink, and those colors probably clash even more. The dark blue looks like it would make a great color for an accent wall but I’m worried the pink would fight with it.

    11. Lcsa99*

      Major nesting fail above so trying again:

      I am not really a pink person, but I have a feeling something more of a dusty rose would work better with the navy. I think the pink itself would need a little more weight to compete with the navy.

  67. The New Wanderer*

    Anybody have any tips for screening therapists/counselors for children?

    I’m starting to research counselors for my daughter (8.5 yrs old). She doesn’t have a diagnosed issue (has been screened for depression and ADHD-Inattentive) but has issues with prosocial behavior and emotional regulation that manifest in age-inappropriate outbursts. In some circles it’s called Asynchronous Development – she’s highly intelligent but has little self-control and is incredibly negative a lot of the time. Oh, and she’s started the first stages of puberty.

    She saw a counselor for almost two years 2x a month until that counselor retired last winter. They had a pretty good bond and the counselor had some good insights for me about daughter’s behavior. Based on her feedback, I’d like to find a counselor that specializes in CBT or similar to help her develop coping skills.

    1. Reba*

      Are you still in contact with that counselor? That’s the first person I’d ask for recommendations, followed by the pediatrician.

      I think probably a lot of the same screening tips apply as for therapist shopping for oneself. My parent is a child psychologist and their space has a bean bag chair, lots of games, toys, coloring supplies, etc. to make the space child-centric and give them something to do while they talk.

      Good luck!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        (also replying to CBE and LilySparrow’s suggestions) I did ask her counselor for recommendations, but as her specialty is social work and not specifically children and her office is in another town, she didn’t have any suggestions for local child-specific counselors other than asking our pediatrician (who I got her name from in the first place). So I did that again, but the ped office only had a list of names of local counselors, no specific recommendations other than the retired counselor.

        Her school counselor is really new to the field (just got her degree two years ago) and to this area, so she doesn’t really have a network yet. She does work with my daughter a little, but as she isn’t as high-need as other kids, it’s only 10 or 15 minutes once a month.

        Daughter would definitely give feedback as to whether she likes a person (she had very strong opinions about one daycare teacher!), so maybe the best option is to put together a couple of names, see who’s taking new patients, and set up meetings.

        1. Reba*

          Sorry, I should have assumed you would have thought of those things!

          It sounds like there will just be kind of an extra layer of screening: you will talk to them and then yiur kid will have a chance to try them. It’s mostly for the kid but don’t forget this needs to be a person that you also feel you can work with. You can ask if they have experience or are familiar with the research on your daughter’s kinds of issues.

          I hope you find a good match quickly!

        2. School Psych*

          Would the district office of your daughter’s school district possibly have a list of referrals? In my district the special-education office has a list of outside children’s therapists and psychiatrists that was created by the social-workers and psychologists in the district. It might be worth checking with the special-education department in her district, even if she is not a special-education student, to see if they have a resource list. School social-workers often collaborate with outside agencies, so they may be a better source of this information than the school-counselor. The school counselor may be able to connect you with other related service professionals in your daughter’s building or in the district, who would have this information. I would also try calling the behavioral health or psychiatry departments of the major hospitals in your area. Sometimes hospitals have pediatric therapists on staff, but they will be able to refer you to someplace else if they do not. I think a lot of finding a good therapist, as a child or an adult, is finding the right fit. You might have to try a few sessions with different people before your daughter finds someone she clicks with.

    2. CBE*

      This is so hard! I have had the best results with personal referrals. Did your previous therapist give you any referrals when she retired? Had to do that once when my daughter’s therapist took an inpatient job instead.
      I found my dd’s current therapist when I was trying to arrange a carpool with another parent I didn’t know well, and she mentioned that she wouldn’t be able to pick up on Thursdays because of her daughter’s recurring therapy appointments. So I just asked if she’d be willing to recommend the therapist, I asked this mom a bunch of questions, and then interviewed the therapist on the phone. It’s worked out well!

    3. LilySparrow*

      Your pediatrician or her school counselor can be a good source of referrals. Also, if she’s highly intelligent and has some emotional insight about herself, she can give you good feedback on whether she’s clicking well with a counselor.

    4. No name yet*

      It sounds like you’ve got some good strategies, glad that your daughter can/will give you feedback about when someone is a good fit. The only thing I’d add, is that given her therapist was recommending someone who specializes in CBT, is you could look at this list here: http://www.findcbt.org/xFAT/ . ABCT is an organization of providers who specialize in CBT and similar therapies, and this is a by-request-list providers can choose to have themselves listed on. One possibility would be to cross-check the list you have from the pediatrician, and start with any people who are on both lists. Good luck!

    5. Kuododi*

      Second to all the good suggestions in this thread so far. Speaking as a therapist who has worked with children for years I would tell you to look for a bare minimum of a Master degree in a counseling discipline with license to practice in your jurisdiction. Given what you described, I would look for a CBT trained, Solution Focused therapist experienced in working with children in your kids age bracket. I would additionally recommend the therapist have background and training in family therapy in order to provide support to the family as you all deal with the impact of counseling for your child on the system at large. Best wishes and feel free to contact me through Alison if I can help with referrals.

    6. The New Wanderer*

      Thanks to all for your great suggestions! I’ve cut and paste into a document so I can remind myself.

  68. nep*

    On LinkedIn, people don’t see that I click on “Stay connected but stop seeing X’s posts,” right?

    1. The New Wanderer*

      Correct, the posts just drop off your feed. They’d only ‘know’ if they asked you about something they posted and you didn’t know about it. But given FB’s weird algorithms, you can just say huh, I must have missed that! (Happens to me with people I know I’m following – I don’t see a lot of their posts for no reason)

  69. Amy*

    We are doing a 3-day potty-training bootcamp this weekend and I am haaaaating it. She is a few weeks shy of two and seems to understand what is going on and what’s expected of her, but progress is painfully slow. This particular potty-training method, which seems to be the method du jour among today’s parents and toddlers, essentially requires that you keep your toddler in the house/yard naked from the waist down for ~3 days while getting them to drink as much fluid as you can get into them so they’ll have to pee often. Then you watch them like a hawk so you can get them to the potty as soon as they seem like they need to go, and/or sit them on the potty every 15 minutes and ask them to go.

    So, essentially, I’m trapped in my house staring at a tiny butt and cleaning human feces off the floor for three days. And I’m not even sure it’s working, but I don’t think I can throw in the towel because we’re not going to have another uninterrupted period of time to work on this for a long time.

    Any tips? Commiseration? Shreds of hope?

    1. nep*

      No tips or shreds of hope, as we didn’t do it this way. But I’ll be interested to hear from others as to whether / how this worked.
      Sorry you’re struggling. May things start to go better.

    2. WellRed*

      This isn’t a judgment, but barely two is very young so I would expect it to be extra challenging. I thought 2.5 to 3 years is more typical. At any rate, it sounds like a miserable 3 days.

      3. PNW_Flowers*

        I agree, less then 2 is very young. It’s ok to wait, you may have more access when she’s a bit older. There’s no medal for the youngest potty training age (no snark- it’s easy to get caught up in as parents). 2 is so young, in terms of communication & brain development & muscle control.

      4. Observer*

        Actually, barely two is perfectly normal. It’s only since cheap, easily disposable diapers have become a thing that waiting till three became common.

    4. Thursday Next*

      Is there a reason you’re doing this now? I know some people undertake intensive potty training if their child is going to enter a no-diapers-allowed program.

      IMHO, kids have to be ready, on their own terms. I tried doing what you’re doing when my son was 2.5 or so, with no success. Six months later, he just announced he wasn’t going to wear diapers anymore, and that was that.

    5. CBE*

      Potty training is a HUGE task that, frankly, can’t be expected to happen in a three day period at all. Some kids can do it, but that doesn’t mean MOST kids can, and definitely should not be expected to. Especially at 2!
      Slow and steady.

    6. Book Lover*

      Mine potty trained herself when she was almost two and a half. I didn’t bother trying with her because I wasted two years trying to potty train her brother. I don’t think anything really works until they decide to do it, but that is my experience.

      Diapers really aren’t a big deal – if you are concerned about environmental impact then you could do cloth, which lets them feel more wet and that helps anyhow (more expensive, you have to launder, etc, worth it if you plan to have more, though).

    7. June Beetle*

      That does sound really young to be doing this! I wouldn’t even try until they are 30months old. My kids basically potty trained themselves, one at 32 months and one a little later. We didn’t do any specific training method, we just put them on the potty every so often and let them figure it out themselves and they did just fine.

      Is there a reason you felt the need to do this particular method at this time? It seems really intense and pressured!

    8. TL -*

      Was she ready? My friend’s kid was ready at about that age, but it’s really young and they put off potty training him for almost 6 more months (and regretted it; he started crying when he wet his diaper which was the point at which they started potty training in earnest.)

      If she’s ready, she’ll be doing things like asking for a diaper change soon after going, naming her bodily functions, and showing discomfort/distress about wearing a dirty diaper. If she’s not at that point, when she’s so young, it seems a lot to ask of her to potty train.

    9. Thlayli*

      The only tip I have is that most of these “3-day methods” are total bs. It’s not likely to work unless the child is already ready.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I have to agree. Son was three and a half, still in diapers, and Everyone had been encouraging us for months to potty train him. Sorry, no, he’ll get it when he’s ready. When he was, he transitioned in under three days to wearing underwear and almost no accidents. His call, not ours.

        1. Thlayli*

          Yup. I speak from experience. Around the time of my eldest’s 2nd birthday they suddenly announced they didn’t want nappies. I was over the moo and immediately we started potty training. Omg what a big mistake. Tried one of those 5-day methods. It did not work. By day 10 we were still on day 2. My mother told me to go back to nappies. The book said if I did that it would confuse the child. I struggled on. Eventually with many treats they figured it out, but had to be constantly reminded to go. Even now at age 4 we still have to do toilet reminders.

          My youngest we waited until they were really ready. They were still in pull-ups and going poo poo in the potty by themselves before we decided to switch. It took a couple of days and then it just clicked. Literally 3-day training. And at night time too. And never needs reminders ever. When they are ready they are ready. You barely need to do anything – they do it all themselves.

    10. Mimosa Jones*

      You have my sympathy! I have a friend who trained her twins that way at about that age. It was not fun. The best definition I’ve heard of what a ready for potty training kid looks like is that they’re able to form a plan B. In other words, can they hold it when there isn’t a potty available? I’ve also found it helps to reward effort as well as performance. We used a sticker chart and gave stickers for trying without argument and trying without being asked as well as successfully using the potty and staying dry all day. And if you’re tired of a bare bottom you can switch to cloth training pants. The discomfort of the wetness often helps.

    11. LilySparrow*

      Major commisseration.

      The most important tip is the hardest: You.Must.Chill.

      If this way works for her, great. If it doesn’t work for her, no problem. It’s not a referendum on your parenting, no matter what the book or the Judgey Person In Your Life says.

      I tried PT with my eldest when she was under 2, because I was pregnant with baby 2 and wanted it over with. Nope. Didn’t work for her. And when I got tired of mopping pee, we went back to pull-ups.

      Just after Baby 2 was born, we had a major family medical crisis and I was dealing with ICU and Hospice and funeral preparations, and a bunch of consequences. PT was the least of our worries.

      At some point when the eldest was about 3.5, I walked in on her changing her own pull-up. She got a visit from the Potty Fairy a couple of days later, and received a bunch of lovely big-girl underwear. She packed up her pull-ups so the Potty Fairy could give them to babies who needed them, and boom. Done.

      Unfortunately, her younger sister was about 18 months, and promptly refused to wear diapers because she wanted big girl pants, too. So we were back to mopping pee for a while
      But that’s a whole other story.

      The point being, if they are ready, it’s easy. If they aren’t ready, it won’t happen. Just don’t stress about it, because it’s your stress that will give them a complex. Not the attempt, but the emotional weight and your reactions.

      1. PNW_Flowers*

        “The most important tip is the hardest: You.Must.Chill.

        If this way works for her, great. If it doesn’t work for her, no problem. It’s not a referendum on your parenting, no matter what the book or the Judgey Person In Your Life says.“

        This is it. Kids potty train when they’re ready, and it’s NOT a hill to die on.

        1. TL -*

          My mom says I potty trained really late (and she laughs hard enough when she says this that I’ve never actually asked the age) and I can verify that it’s not been a huge impediment in my life, nor have I since struggled with age-appropriate toilet behaviors.

        2. MatKnifeNinja*

          Two is really really really young if the kid isn’t the one driving it.

          My family potty trains LATE. It’s not because my parents were trash or us kids were stupid. That part of the brain to bladder to bowels just wasn’t as developed as most people.

          I potty trained at 3, my sister 4 and my brother 7.

          The nake thing is silly. The two year old probably thinks its a game.

          The people I know who say their kids are potty trained at some very young age is not usually true using the potty. The handlers learn the signs the kid has to go and the kid has some idea what the toilet is used for. It’s sort of like watching a puppy and hustling it outside to tinkle.

          I helped potty trained my niece when she was three. Her problem was the trainer pants were much too comfortable, and she didn’t feel wet. We put her in regular underwear. YUCK! But she had enough self awareness that wet=yuck. That motivated her to get to the toilet.

          If your child doesn’t notice that wet/poopy=yuck, it’s going to be an uphill battle. I’d bag the training for a month, and revisit it with underpants, not naked. Remember, dear kid will have to learn to pull down some sort of clothing.

          We used lots of donated underwear, so I could toss the ones that were too gross to wash.

          Around where I live, people try to potty train at two because there is surcharge for dipers after two years old in day care, and most nursery school won’t take kids in dipers or trainers.

          Hang in the mom!

          1. Observer*

            The naked thing is actually not silly. It’s not intended to shame the kid, but to make it easier to clean up if necessary, and to avoid barriers to getting on the potty.

            I happen to not like it for practical reasons, but it does make sense.

          2. Observer*

            Oh, and I hit enter too soon. I found that the best way to train was with regular panties, not training pants nor pull ups. Dealing with the dirty clothes was a pain, but it was well worth it.

          3. Courageous cat*

            Potty trained at 7? I’m slightly confused – was there something going on or just a preference? I’ve honestly never heard of that.

      2. Observer*

        While my experience is that anything above 20 months is not too young for most kids, I TOTALLY agree that not getting a kid potty trained by age two is totally not a reflection on your parenting.

        Also, as a practical matter, the more stressed out you are about it, the harder it gets.

    12. Been there done that twice*

      I have potty trained two kids successfully with that method – the first at 27 months, the second 24 months. The key is that they are ready! You’ll quickly notice:-) With kid 1, my partner had wisely made plans in the am so I was on potty duty. After kid 1 has peed 3 times on the floor before midday I was ready to give up but then we turned a corner and by day 2 we even went to a birthday party, potty in tow. My tip is to keep the kid (and you) in a confined space – it’s easier to both get them on the potty on time and clean up the inevitable accident if you’re only hanging out in one room. Our kids are big on stickers so every time they used the potty they got to put a sticker on a home-made chart – they were v proud. Also don’t forget treats for yourself for surviving the day/weekend. You got this!

    13. Nana*

      Since it’s summer, can you do it mostly outside? My kids liked being naked, clean-up was easier…

    14. Call me St. Vincent*

      If you’re talking about “Oh Crap!” that book is amazing. Just listen to what she says point blank! We potty trained our then 22 month old daughter with it in 3 days flat. My advice would be don’t give up and try not to hover, basically do what she says in the book and try to check yourself. We definitely didn’t think we were hovering the first day but we were totally hovering. We were about to give up at 5 pm on the first day when we left my daughter alone in the living room and went to do the dishes in the kitchen. As soon as we were gone, she peed on the little potty by herself. Diagnosis–hovering! Once we backed off, she did great! Also, we didn’t do night training for a while. Probably a few months after the day training. Good luck!

  70. Anna*

    How do you select a good room renter(in our basement so not quite a roommate)? We’re evicting our first renter because not only did she move her boyfriend in and spread her stuff all over the basement, they’re also gross people who prefer to pile trash on the floor next to the full trash rather than empty it. :( I want to do better next time but how? We’re close to a university so it’s mostly students looking for rooms.

    1. nep*

      Ask for references? (Or did you do that the last time and it didn’t work?)
      That sounds awful–glad you got rid of the problem renters.

      1. Anna*

        18 years old don’t really have references. :( Guess we’ll try to hold out for older/grad students as others suggested.

    2. Almost Academic*

      If you’re close to a University, I highly recommend looking for grad students instead of undergrads as renters. While there is still a lot of variability, overall they’ve been better behaved / know what’s up with keeping a house in my experience. Other than that, I would make sure to treat it like a job search – interview, get references from past landlords / housemates, and don’t shy away from asking specific questions with regards to cleaning, chores, and pet peeves.

    3. WellRed*

      I interview them thoroughly, though its roomates not tenants. There’s lots of subtle things you can suss out aside from ability to pay rent.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Yes to interviews. We did this when we were looking for someone to replace a housemate who dropped out at the last minute when I was at university. It was a bit of a pain, but eventually we got someone good. My only caveat is that they need to be with everyone living in the house (though I’m sure you did this!).

        1. WellRed*

          Oh yes, everyone has to agree, which isn’t all that difficult if I am carefully screening everyone for compatibility, etc.

      1. nep*

        That sounds like a really good indicator. Interesting challenge to get a good look at the inside of an applicant’s car.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’m not so sure about that. Personally, I keep a clean apartment and make it a point to be a respectful and quiet neighbor, but I keep a really messy car. I’ll admit that’s probably weird, but the car is just not a priority for me. I really only care that the car runs. I know others who are the same way, too.

    5. Clara Belle*

      What worked for me when choosing roommates to move into our place in the past:
      – be clear about expectations upfront (if you are quiet homebodies say so, if you need someone who’s ok with your loud band practice twice a week say so, if you have pets say so, and so on. This lets people self-select out ASAP)
      – ask for landlord references if appropriate
      – interview lots of people, not just the first two or three. Think about what you’re looking for from them and devise questions to check those things out. Also be really honest and upfront with them about what you expect from them at this stage.
      – be sure you know your legal rights and responsibilities in the living situation you are in.
      – agree on how to handle disputes abd issues before they move in (e.g. regular meetings, check ins, whatever works for your situation) – and then stick to it!

      Your situation is slightly different, but this worked for us.

    6. Penguin*

      –Ditto on the “interviews” (which I put in quotes only because they’re likely to have a different tone than the ones normally talked about here). I’ve been the renter in your circumstance, as a grad student, and getting an idea of the owner was just as helpful for me as I imagine it was for her.
      –Require housing references from applicants (if you don’t already) and call them; I say “housing” references specifically, b/c I’ve found personal references just didn’t have the info I needed.
      –Draw up a lease, if you don’t do that already. Regardless whether you use the language and/or a template from “traditional” leases, just being crystal clear about your expectations and the renter’s responsibilities (re: cleaning, guests, etc.) is usually helpful. Again, speaking as a renter, having everything laid out is SUPER helpful. Don’t soften your expectations either; if you want “the room to be maintained in showable condition” or “showable on 24 hours’ notice” or “vacuumed and dusted weekly” put that. You can always choose to selectively not enforce some things down the line if you decide you want to be lenient. Also, make sure the lease states what the results of failing to abide by the conditions are. If the conditions you list are all evictable offenses, make sure to put that down. Again, not to be “mean” just to be clear about your expectations.
      –If you can tailor your ad to grad students (maybe by listing preferred qualities? or stating “ideally we’re looking for a graduate student…” perhaps?), I’d echo others who suggested that. All the ones I’ve known haven’t had time to create a mess at home; they’re never there!
      –Lastly, do you know anyone who teaches at the university? If so, reach out to them asking about students (you’ll probably have better luck with grad students b/c of the student:teacher ratio) they know who might be good renter candidates. If not, what about asking on social media for people who work there and would be willing to offer suggestions of potential renters? (I’m thinking faculty, about their students, but there might be other people/relationships that could help.)

  71. Foreign Octopus*

    I just to need to vent.

    The other day some friends of my parents stopped by my house unexpectedly to pick something up for my parents (the parents are in the UK, I’m in Spain) to take back with them. I say unexpectedly because they sent me a text that morning to say that would be stopping by – charming. As it was a busy day in the middle of a busy week, my house was not looking great. Laundry folded on the table, the floor in a need of a good vacuum, the terrace looking a little chaotic from where I’d dumped stuff to keep it out of the rain.

    Today my parents asked me why I wasn’t cleaning my house (in a joking manner as they know I’m a bit of a neat freak). I delved a little deeper and it seemed that the general cleanliness of my house was a topic of conversation when these friends visited my parents.

    I am so furious with these people but trying not to let it go round and round in my head. I pride myself on a clean house when people visit but I also expect more notice than halfway through the working day that they’re stopping by later.

    Am I overreacting?

    1. Nicole76*

      I don’t think you’re overreacting. First off, they told you they were coming instead of asking. Second of all, they were rude to comment to your parents about the state of your house. Who does that? Even if you’re a slob, who cares? They don’t have to live there. I too take pride in a clean house but I’d be pretty mad if someone gave me grief about it if it wasn’t as clean as it usually is because some uninvited guests stopped by.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Nope. Not overreacting. They were great big nosey, gossipy, judgey, rude jerks. And your parents went along with it instead of shutting that shit down. Which was a jerk move by them.

      You mean you actually have better things to do than maintain your home in a constant state of Jerk Readiness? Tsk, tsk. (/sarcasm)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      No. It’s superficial and annoying. I do have a bias. Family would race each other on having the cleanest house. With all that focus on cleanliness other things fell by the wayside. Important things, like relationships with each other.
      Eh, maybe consider telling your folks that there is more to relationships with others than just how clean they keep their homes. You hope their friends see more in you than just that. Whatever you do, do NOT defend/rationalize your so-called messiness. It is what it is.

    4. Earthw*

      Not overreacting. Can you tell your folks you were in the midst of a deep cleaning when they came by? The house always looks a wreck when there’s deep cleaning going on, and you can preserve your folks impression that you’re normally neat.

      1. Observer*

        Why would she do that?

        The idea that these friends “reported” on her is just mind boggling. She doesn’t owe anyone any excuses or explanations for perfectly normal behavior.

    5. LizB*

      You’re not overreacting, and you’re also right that letting it go round and round in your head isn’t helpful. Those people are gossipy, inconsiderate assholes, but they’re absolutely not worth any more of your emotional energy. Eff them.

  72. DrWombat*

    I was traveling last week and had the worst Airbnb experience I’ve ever had. I normally stay with grad students/young couples renting out a spare room, but this time I was staying with an elderly lady with no real sense of boundaries, as it turns out. The place had good reviews, but it was a lot noisier than anticipated, no air conditioning (despite the listing saying so, and the weather really called for it) and no microwave so I had to eat out more meals than I’d planned. That was dealable but I guess…the host was very clingy was the worst bit. She called me “baby” all week and was just a bit too keen on where I was going and what I was doing, and crossed the line from polite/attentive into clingy. I took to staying away from the Airbnb except to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with her, and the day I left, as I was wrestling with my suitcase, she came in for a hug and then kissed my neck as she hugged me! A really wet kiss. I bolted to the cab after that.
    My family is big on hugging but even my own grandmothers don’t do that, and I’d never dream of doing it to someone I’d barely known. I’ve never had a relative kiss my neck – light cheek pecks only, and it just….it crossed a line and made me feel really uncomfortable. I know she meant well probably but all my polite “no I’m fine” and “I’m fine doing for myself, I just need a place to sleep and I’m good” seemed to work and it just…it didn’t really help me relax at all, and what she did as I was leaving made me feel really uncomfortable.

    Anyone else had a similar experience? What did you do about it?

      1. DrWombat*

        I…I admit I chickened out there and posted a clear ‘not as described, but nice enough, host is very very friendly’ review because I was kind of trying to talk myself out of how bad it was. Because she had really good reviews already and some people would be ok with that sort of thing! I am just not one of those people and have been conditioned to be polite in public any time my IRL name is attached to something, especially re something in the ‘it wasnt sexual harrassment but it made me feel about as dirty as if it had been’ sense of things. I did write a complaint to Airbnb detailing what happened though.

        1. LilySparrow*

          You can say she was too pushy, monopolized your time, and didn’t respect your personal space. That is clear and has nothing to do with sexual harassment.

          1. DrWombat*

            If you booked the reservation using Facebook as your login, yes >< At the time I thought it was the best way to do it and reassure future renters I was a reasonably reliable person. I may make another profile without my name attached for future bookings, in case of something like this.

        3. Reba*

          Re the politeness thing, I totally get what you mean! But remember that you are never going to see this person again. (That is what I tell myself when I am embarrassed or awkward about something.) I have been so appreciative of candid Airbnb reviews, and peeves when the issues weren’t noted, that it convinced me to write. And remember, too, that you’re not being mean, just saying “this was too much for me.” That all said, I’d probably read between the lines of your “very very friendly” :)

  73. Myrin*

    I am just realising that Eve is sitting on Thing, there! It’s an unusual angle, but I see you, Thing, I see you!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      She is obsessed with it. We bought a second one and keep them pushed together so it’s double the width and it’s like her base station.

      1. Myrin*

        That’s so lovely, she’s mapping out all of her shenanigans there!
        I meant to ask, anyway: How’s she doing now? She’s already, what, two or three now? Is she still shier than the others or was that a “beginning” thing?

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          She is such a lovely cat. She’s really, really affectionate and so excited to see either of us, and absolutely loves physical affection (she will stand up on her back legs when you approach her, in order to get closer to your hands for petting). It blows my mind that she’s the same cat who wouldn’t let me touch her for five weeks when we fostered her.

          But her feral roots are clear in two ways: (1) She’s still really shy with anyone but us — will always hide when other people are in the house and seems to think they’re predators. (2) She hates being restrained and is impossible to get into a cat carrier. The last time I had to get her into a carrier for the vet, I ended up literally dripping blood (and still couldn’t get her in and had to cancel the appointment). So now we use a mobile vet. And when I had to get her into a carrier for our move last summer, it took literally six hours (admittedly some of those were just letting her calm down from the initial attempts). So the feral is still there, but only comes out under stress.

          1. Belle di Vedremo*

            My stubborn tortie fought going into the carrier all.the.time – unless it was the end of a vet appt, then she’d dart right in. Found a spot for the carrier to stay in, wide open, and she gets treats in it once a day, every day. Getting her into the carrier has gotten a lot easier. Toss in treats, she follows, and will let me nudge her in far enough to shut the door. The next day, she mostly trusts that she’d just going in for treats, again. She goes to the vet a time or two a year, so it’s easier to shift back to routine. There’s a lot of power in that 7 lb, 20 year old cat; this has been much easier than an argument. Maybe something like that would help? But a mobile vet might be the very best answer. We don’t have one, here.

            Eve is lovely. It’s wonderful to see the cat photos on these posts each week.

  74. WellRed*

    She was waaay out of line, probably a lonely old soul. To be honest, I don’t get why anyone would rent a room in a stranger’s home, though. Too many horror stories. Does it really save that much money?

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      Aware this was meant as a reply to the Airbnb post. In answer: that’s why I don’t rent rooms on Airbnb. It’s whole homes/flats or nothing (though I realise that’s not always an option for single people).

      1. DrWombat*

        Unfortunately airbnb is really the only way to make a lot of academic conferences affordable for me (I was paying < 1/2 of a hotel cost in this case). I do keep safe – never male hosts, I research the neighborhoods….and prior to this I'd been fine. She may have been lonely but like…as much as I tried to set boundaries, she didn't respect them. For the first few days she kept offering me food out of politeness but day one I'd said "I have very severe food allergies, so since there's not a microwave here, I'll just use the electric kettle for my cereal and handle the rest myself" and it took a bit for that to stick. But it was the kissing thing that crossed the line especially hard. Because I pay so much just finding food I can eat, I have to save $ elsewhere. I'll just stick to people my own age for now I guess.

    2. Perpetua*

      Usually, yes. I mostly rent the whole place via AirBnb when traveling, but on a recent trip to New York that wasn’t an option. The cheapest hotels were around 50% more expensive than the room we rented in Williamsburg, and we were very happy with it.

  75. melting*

    my husband has a friend staying with us this weekend. they’ve been friends for yeeeaaaars so I’m very happy to let them hang out 1:1, especially since I’m so awkward with house guests.

    I still feel bad doing my own thing while she’s here though. Which is a shame, because I desperately need to be able to do my own thing over the weekend, otherwise I’m a bear at work.

    1. nep*

      Why do you feel bad doing your own thing, if they’re hanging out and catching up?
      I hope you’ll be able to shake that and get the time and recovery you need during the weekend.

  76. The Original K.*

    I am a triathlete! I did my first sprint, it was great, and I beat my expected time (did what I expected to do on the bike, was faster on the swim and run). I have no interest in doing a longer distance (I can and do ride and swim longer distances, especially biking, but running more than 5 miles doesn’t float my boat), but I can see myself doing one or two sprints a year. I’m really proud of myself for doing it – it’s been on my to-do list for a while and it felt really good to set the goal and do it well!

    2. LGC*

      Dude, that’s awesome! Congratulations!

      And I actually find triathlons kind of impressive myself – I’ve never done one, not sure if I ever would, but it’s a huge time commitment because you have to practice three separate things.

    3. grace*

      Nice!! The first one is the hardest :) I love tris – the diversity of body shapes there, the challenge of pushing yourself in each area … I just really hate how hard it is to go from the bike to the run! That first mile …

      Which sport did you come to tris from? (I almost always find that I can guess by seeing someone’s body type – swimmers have those broad shoulders, bikers have their quads, runners have a certain way of walking – but it’s so interesting how everyone has that “gateway” sport for a tri.)

      1. The Original K.*

        I came from cycling. The majority of the fellow newbies I spoke with were runners.

        That first mile felt VERY long but the second flew by. I thought for sure I was going more slowly than my usual pace but when I got the results back, I was right in my wheelhouse. I was pretty well-trained (brick workouts, etc.) but my legs felt very rubbery once I started running! (Running is the weakest of the three sports for me.)

        Such a wide variety of bodies and ages! It was so cool.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Good going. That’s amazing. I am kind of in awe of triathletes. I’m in the same boat as LGC – I’m a distance runner, but I’d never consider doing something where I’d have to train for three different things!

  77. Gaia*

    Some of ya’ll might remember last fall I was working on losing weight. Well…I haven’t updated for awhile because I fell off that wagon. Life got tough and I decided I could only manage so much and I let my old habits come back. I regained all the weight I had lost and basically just felt pathetic and crap.

    Then, 4 weeks ago I reached out to my doctor to see about restarting the medication that helped me jump start my weight loss last time. I didn’t get to see her, I saw another doctor who was really rude and made me feel pretty low but ultimately gave me the Rx since my GP had given it to me before. Then, I reached out to a personal trainer that a friend of mine worked with. He runs a HIIT facility and it turns out they were starting a 6 week challenge for people looking to jump start their weight loss.

    I’m wrapping up week 3 and I’m down about 13lbs. But the bigger change isn’t as visible. I’m more confident, I’m happier, and I feel more in control of all of the crazy parts of my life. I’ve always struggled with exercise. Even last fall when I was losing great weight, I struggled to feel like I could do more than just walk (for those that weren’t here, I have about 150lbs to lose so exercise hasn’t come easy for sure!). But these trainers are showing me just how strong I am and how powerful my body is. I’ve never disliked my body but this is another type of confidence. I know HIIT isn’t for everyone, but I am really liking it.

    Anyway, I’ll be updating regularly again. For everyone else on their own journey, I wish you well and you have my support. This is a TOUGH thing and it continues to bring up so many emotions. But it isn’t impossible. In fact, it is very possible.

    1. nep*

      How wonderful to hear. I’m so happy for you. Great that you found trainers that really suit you. Sounds like they’re helping you see that you’ve got it in you to reach your goals.
      Thanks for the update and inspiration. Best of health to you.

      1. nep*

        By the way, how has your eating changed in those weeks? Have you been drinking a lot more water? I’m always interested to hear what works for people’s weight loss. (Are you still on the med? is it something you come off of after a period time?)

        1. Gaia*

          I am back on the med. I had to stop it last fall when I ended up going to Europe for what was supposed to be one week and ended up being 6 months. Phentermine (the medication I’m taking) is banned in many countries due to concerns that 1. it is basically prescribed speed and 2. it can be very hard on the heart. My doctor will not let me take it from more than 3 months at a time (and then take at least 6 months off) or if my blood pressure raises. But ultimately, the risks of taking it are less than the risk of not taking it and continuing to not lose weight.

          I’ve made some great changes in how I eat. But it is still a daily struggle. Through this, I’ve come to realize I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I have almost no hunger signals and so I just decide when it eat. If I don’t actively make myself eat I can go more than a day without eating (and then out of nowhere will be shaking and feel sick until I eat). But more often than not I would just eat to comfort myself, or to celebrate, or because I was bored. I grew up very poor and meals were not always guaranteed. My weight issues directly correlate to when I got my first job, and my first car, and I had independence and less scarcity.

          Because of all of this, I’ve focused more on viewing food as a source of nutrition and sustenance. I’m specifically avoiding thoughts about “good food” and “bad food” and trying to remember that no food is inherently “bad” some just make me feel better and healthier and stronger than others. It is difficult, especially because of how we (in the US) view food as something social and definitely view some foods as “bad” and others as “good.” But it has helped me not give up when, for instance, yesterday I was out to lunch with friends and I really just wanted some damn fries. So I had a couple. And I didn’t hate myself for it.

          And yes: SO MUCH MORE WATER. My goal is 100oz a day. My trainers discourage crystal light but I made it clear that it was that or Pepsi and so we’ve settled on crystal light :)

          1. Kuododi*

            Just a thought… I have been drinking sparkling water since last year when my kidney specialist SD among other things to stop soda altogether. The feeling helps me deal with giving up coca cola and I am not getting all those chemicals and preservatives. If I need a little flavor, I just add some lemon or lime juice. Best wishes.

      2. Gaia*

        They are really amazing. It took an extreme amount of willpower to join. I’ve always put on this attitude that I was a “healthy” fat girl and that I was confident and loved my body (which is true) and not ashamed. I think I’d said that so much I really believed it. And then, the day before my first class it all came crashing down. I felt so insecure. Everyone else would be thinner, stronger, healthier. They’d mock me when I couldn’t do the exercises. Maybe not to my face but definitely behind my back. I’d look ridiculous in my leggings. People would know I was fat (which, of all the things I thought…WHAT? As if people didn’t already know this?).

        I cried for like 20 minutes on the phone with my best friend the night before I was supposed to go. I called her at 5am the morning of and talked to her again and tried to justify why I didn’t really need to go. She was so supportive and said a bunch of things I definitely didn’t believe but ultimately convinced me to suck it up and go and if it sucked I could just leave.

        So I went. And yea, everyone was in much better shape than I am. But also? They were also amazing. They helped me learn the exercises and showed me alternatives that they had learned when they were new. And no one made fun of me. And at the end of the class I knew I would be coming back.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks! It really does feel great. And as an added bonus I’m losing inches – now if only my thighs would get the memo and would follow suit :)

    4. Nervous Accountant*

      That is awesome! Still in my own journey. What medicine was it if you don’t mind sharing?

      1. Gaia*

        I don’t mind at all. I take phentermine. It isn’t something I recommend lightly (it shouldn’t be taken long term, or if you have heart issues, a history of depression, or a history of addiction) but it is the only thing that worked for me. After years of struggling and doing everything “right” and failing repeatedly my doctor and I decided this was the right path. The risks of the medication were less than the risks of remaining over 300lbs. It worked wonders last fall and it is working rather well (although less effectively, which I understand is common) this time around.

      2. Gaia*

        Also, best of luck to you on your own journey. It is so, so hard! People who have never struggled with maintaining a healthy weight really cannot understand this.

    1. Aphrodite*

      Have you seen the latest update? Princess Consuela was rushed to the ER after two a half hours of labor. She was given a C-section and there were four kittens. The first one, unfortunately, had major congenital defects and didn’t make it–everyone has sadly agreed her passing was merciful–the second and third are healthy and the fourth is struggling. Consuela has been spayed and is recovering nicely. They should be back at TK tomorrow.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yes, I saw that shortly after I posted yesterday. It is a good thing PC was in the care of the rescue when she went into labor–otherwise, she would have passed along with her kittens.

  79. annakarina1*

    I’ve had more luck with dating lately, but I still felt down today about being single. In the last few weeks, I had two nice dates with a guy who I met through Bumble and with whom I have a mutual friend. We get along well, though I don’t have romantic/sexual feelings for him, just liking him casually. But he told me that he is moving to another city at the end of the summer. So I felt a little bittersweet that the time I actually get a second date with someone and we have a trusted friend in common, it likely won’t go farther than being friends. I hope to see him a couple more times before he leaves, just to hang out casually.

    I went out with another guy two weeks ago, and enjoyed talking about music with him, but I thought he looked like a guy version of me and was not into that personally, and he responded to my “had a nice date” text about a week later, saying he had a nice time, too. But I don’t see anything more happening there since his response took so long.

    I just feel down that I’ve been trying to date more and be better at being in a relationship with someone, and I haven’t had much luck. I haven’t been really into the guys I’ve gone out with this year (about seven so far) aside from liking summer guy, but I worry that I have a crappy personality or aren’t that physically attractive. I stay busy a lot with work and my hobbies, work out a lot to stay in good shape, have varied friends, and worked at being more social and not too introverted. So even though I’ve had plenty of dates, I worry that if I’m striking out a lot, that I’m the problem, and I don’t want to be awful. So I want to work on being happier with myself and also to do better with dating.

  80. nep*

    Re: exercise. I didn’t get a chance to work out before going to work this morning. After work was feeling bloated and just blah. Didn’t think I was going to get it in. But thanks to my Gymboss (any such interval timer would do), I worked up a sweat and feel much better for it.
    Nothing seems as stressful or bad after moving the body for a while and sweating…
    This is what I did today–it works for those days when I really don’t have a structured workout planned and want to move without thinking too much about it. I set up the interval timer (eg 50 sec work, 15-20 sec rest for 10 or 15 rounds), and just have a handful of exercises in mind to do. I just move from exercise to exercise, not worrying about any particular order. They could involve equipment or not–whatever. Just move. There’s something about that timer, or a Tabata song, that makes me plow through to the end in a way I might not otherwise.

  81. Anono-me*

    I am just blown away by this filial responsibility thing. Did everyone else know about this but me? (Coments by Temperance, Wellread and Nonegiven in post by HannahS.) Thank you Nonegiven for the link to the Forbes article explaination. I had only heard about the government being able to try to go after assets that been improperly transferred from the parent to the child. I am definitely going to educate myself on this issue .

    1. Anono-me*

      I do love how much I learn here from everyone and how generous people are with their knowledge.

      Also, “Wellread and me?”

    2. Loopy*

      I had *NO* idea. Same reaction as you. Wondering how it works when parent lives in a filial responsibility state but child has moved away to another state that doesn’t enforce it. This is my case, and though I don’t have major concerns… I would like to know.

      1. Temperance*

        My lawyer friends and I have been debating this very thing. As a non-resident of PA, the state generally can’t exercise jurisdiction over you unless you’re involved in an incident in the state. I’m not sure how that would work here, but it thankfully hasn’t happened yet, AFAIK.

    3. A username for this site*

      I have the opposite situation to this.

      My MIL read about filial responsibility laws. Her state does *not* have them, but she does not understand this. She filled out her advanced medical directive to basically refuse all care because she thinks the kids will have to pay her debt, should she rack up hospital or nursing home bills. I’m not entirely sure she understands the gravity of the paperwork she has signed, and I fully expect this to be a problem down the line as she ages.

  82. Snazzy Hat*

    Does anyone get impostor syndrome… going to the gym? My partner & I got day passes for my alma mater’s fitness facilities since they’re the least expensive gym in the area for an annual membership. There was no assistance from staff (nor did it seem like staff were walking around), I had a mild anxiety attack just by attempting to get the day pass (I’m proud of myself for saying out loud, “well I’m having an anxiety attack, I’ll be back in a minute”), and there were a number of machines that we didn’t know how to operate plus one that wasn’t working.

    And then there were much smaller scale awkward moments including these:
    “oh hey, we’re in the spectator section of the pool. I wonder how you get to the actual pool.”
    “ah, here’s the dance studio… to which the door is locked.”
    and in full view/hearing of the person manning the pro shop, “I’m gonna do some stretches in the locker room.” {opens door marked women’s locker room} {takes two steps, turns around & walks out} “That is the shower section of the locker room.” {reads the sign again to make sure that no, it does not say “shower” anywhere}

    I still want to join, but I don’t want to feel like an idiot every time I set foot in the building. Advice?

    1. nep*

      I love that you owned that anxiety and took a moment for yourself.
      I hope you’ll join and get everything you want and need out of that gym.
      I know it feels as if all eyes are on you, along with a spotlight, when you’re feeling your way around a new place. But I really think that for the most part each individual is way too wrapped up in his/her stuff to even register what you’re doing (particularly in a gym setting). And hey–everyone was new and unfamiliar with the place first time out.
      (It’s disappointing to hear there were no staff around as guides just for instances like this.)
      As far as the machines go–most gyms offer (SHOULD offer) time with a wellness coach, personal trainer, or other staff who can walk you through the facility and show you the machines you want to use. (It’s in their interest to do so–liability…) So perhaps ask them about setting up an appointment for that.
      If you get a membership, once you’ve gone a few times, I reckon you’ll feel far more comfortable there and all that seems strange now will become routine.
      All the best. Keep us posted.

    2. Mananana*

      My advice? Don’t let your fear keep you from asking for help. It’s been my experience that fellow-gym goers/staff are very helpful. Or, if that’s a bridge too far, you can always look for you-tube videos of the correct usage of the machines. (It’s helpful to take a pic of the machines you’re interested in so you don’t forget the model info.)

      As far as finding your way around — the more you go the less lost you’ll feel. I just started going back to the gym after a several year absence — the first few visits I just felt weird. Like everyone else belonged and I was just the out-of-shape impostor. But now I just march right on in, hope that my favorite treadmill is empty, and get my sweat on. And sometimes, the new person asks me for help!

      1. nep*

        This is great. Yup–OP, in no time a newer member is going to be asking you for guidance.
        I’ve worked in this kind of setting and I agree with Mananana–fellow gym members for the most part are more than happy to help, and there is zero reason to be embarrassed or the like.

    3. TL -*

      Probably everyone did that when they first joined! it’s very normal.
      Let’s see..at new gyms I have: Not been able to figure out how to get into the swimming pool from the spectator section and just jumped the barrier, not been able to find the locker rooms, not been able to figure out a machine I wanted to use (but eventually figured out by trial and error), walked almost into the wrong locker room, have struggled to get into the ice rink part instead of the normal part, have not been able to get my card to work, haven’t been able to find the towel service…

      All normal kinks for various different gyms and all worked out in the first few visits – remember, your first visit you did *learn* all the things that confused you now and you’ll remember them next time.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      When you walk in to get your day pass, are you able to tell that person, “Hey, I’ve never been here before. Would you or someone else mind showing me around?” Seems like this could solve the problem. If not, just wander around and see what’s there. The more you go, and the more you wander around, the more familiar you’ll be.

      And although it may feel like everyone is staring at you or judging you, they’re very likely not. I typically work out in the gym at work, which is empty at the time I go; however, if other people come in while I’m there, I’m not paying any attention to them. I’m focused on my workout: counting reps, making sure I use correct form so I don’t hurt myself, stuff like that.

      1. Puppy Lover*

        I agree.

        When I worked at gyms, it was typical protocol to give new clients a tour. If the staff don’t offer you one, just ask for one. It also offers you the opportunity to ask questions about specific machines. Part of their job is make sure you are able to have an enjoyable experience-knowing how to properly use machines. It’s ok to not know how everything works. They are always coming out with new machines that even season gym goers need trained on how to use.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I know anxiety isn’t logical, but here’s a reframe that sometimes helps me:

      If you saw a new person walk into a place you’re familiar with, and they didn’t psychically know where everything was, would you call them an idiot?

      If you were swimming in the pool, and someone walked into the spectator area, looked around and walked out, would you call them awkward or stupid?

      You can be at least as nice to yourself as you would be to a stranger.

      Jerkbrain is calling you names because if you start getting regular exercise, you will feel better and Jerkbrain wants you to keep feeling bad. Tell it to STFU and go enjoy a swim!

    6. nep*

      (And it sounds like this place needs to improve its signage, anyway. ‘Locker room’ sign on a door to the showers?)

  83. Marguerite*

    There is a guy that I like- he’s smart, funny, and good looking. (Tall, dark , handsome.) We’ve talked a little and I’ve noticed him staring/looking at me, but I don’t know if it will ever develop into something more or if it’s just a crush.

    Besides him being a lot younger than me, I keep thinking that he wouldn’t like me if he got to know me. I didn’t ever think he would look at me in the first place and I find myself becoming nervous around him. I don’t want to scare him away, but I can’t help but also think, wouldn’t he want someone prettier/smarter/thinner/younger/etc. Why me? (I had a huge pimple on chin this week and did everything in my power to avoid him!)

    I know, I know, I need to be more confident, but…. how? I just don’t know if I’ll ever be with someone and envy those who are with someone because I still get nervous around guys…. Any advice?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Ask him if he wants to get a coffee.
      Seriously. He’s probably nervous too. You can sit and be nervous together.
      Sometimes the way to conquer a fear/concern is to go into the thick of it.
      (PS. He knows pimples go away and life goes on.)

  84. Insert witty name here*

    I’ve always been sensitive and quiet, thus leading me to be a target. I have a horrible poker face, plus I look young for my age and well, people like to tease me a lot. Is there anything that I can do? How can I be more assertive?

    1. TL -*

      If you’re older than early teens, a lot of times just being upfront about not being amused is helpful. Be friendly elsewhere but when someone teases you in a way you don’t like, get a serious look on your face and say, “Please stop. I don’t really find that funny.”

      If they don’t stop instantly, calmly (calmly!) leave the conversation. Don’t engage, don’t apologize, just make your excuses and go elsewhere. And then, the next time you see them, don’t bring up the teasing but do the same thing if they start teasing you again.

      If it’s family or close friends, have a big picture conversation – but for casual friends, work buddies, ect… the above tends to work pretty well. You don’t get teased and they have to live with the awkwardness of knowing they were so unpleasant to you that you politely left a conversation.
      This doesn’t work if you’re generally dramatic or moody or often in a tizzy. But if you are known as a polite and pleasant person, it is quite effective.

    2. Thlayli*

      There are tons of online articles and books on how to be assertive. Your best bet is to read some.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      To me there are two types of teasers and two types of teasing.
      Teasers can be people I love, care about, good friends or people I admire. These folks get a tamer response than the other group of teasers.
      The other group of teasers are people who will never stop, teeter on being rude or are actually rude and do nothing otherwise to enrich my life. This group of people gets a firmer response.

      Types of teasing. Some stuff is just funny, like jokes about some silly thing my dog did and “well he IS YOUR dog!” They tease me about Thing Over There, it’s not personal teasing. Like they would never joke about my hair, body shape and so on. This type of teasing gets a tamer response from me.

      Then there is the NOT funny stuff. If it’s a person I care or admire, I can say, “hey, let’s not go there.” That’s enough for them. But if it’s just a rude person then I can say things like “wow” or walk away.

      Yeah, basically go situation by situation and person by person. Break this down a little bit to see what is actually happening. Part of being assertive is knowing when something is a problem and knowing when something is not a problem. And it’s knowing where your limits are.

      Years ago, I wrestled with teasing from strangers in public. Finally I decided that some of my rules of thumb carried over, such as joking about my dog is fine, but joking about my appearance is not fine. And once in a great while my intuition just said, “Don’t worry about response here, just move away from this stranger.” And I just moved away from the person.

    4. LilySparrow*

      If your face is showing that you don’t like the teasing, and they are doing it anyway (or because of that), then they are assholes.

      The wonderful things about being an adult is that you no longer have to put up with assholes.

      You can come up with strategies that feel right to you in different situations. They might include finding a new group to hang out with, talking to your manager or a mentor, telling the assholes to cut it out, leaving, composing a useful script you can repeat as needed, and many others.

      The #1 key to unlock your personal style of assertiveness is to deeply internalize the truth: “I don’t have to put up with this crap.” Once you totally own that knowledge, assertiveness will start to feel normal.

  85. heckofabecca*

    I did TEN paintings (using 5-color palettes from a meme + requests from tumblr) in less than 2 days! I’m pumped! None of them took over 70 minutes, and I am really pleased with pretty much all of them! Huzzah!

    Who’s working on art? What’s your current project?

    1. TL -*

      I have a little planner I use as a scrapbook type thing, with stickers and colored pens.

      It ain’t a thing of beauty, but it does make me smile to flip back and see all the little things (and the big ones, though I usually remember those!)

    2. Marguerite*

      I like messing around with oil pastels. I really enjoy blending the colors. I’m into flowers, so that’s a lot of what I do. Nothing that would be considered works of art, but they make me happy and that’s all that counts.

    3. Amadeo*

      I joined one of those art RPGs on Deviant art (they have a certain species, with genes and you design your critter, then do art pieces to breed/level up/train etc.) so I’ve been working on the initial pieces for my first critter for those. It’s a good way for me to start learning doing some digital painting both in photoshop and on my iPad, which I’ve been struggling with.

  86. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Sorry I’m late with this today. I had brunch with a friend and woke up late enough to have to rush.

    I’m doing much better since I cut back to one cup of coffee per day and started prioritizing sleep. I’m proud of that. Also proud that I got selected to write an article after pitching to a magazine.

    Struggling because my close friend is having a mental health breakdown and basically withdrawing from everyone. When he does respond to me it’s usually to be snarky or turn down invitations to hang out, but usually he just doesn’t respond. I am taking a step back from the whole friend group he is part of because it’s too painful right now. I want to keep reaching out and reminding him I care but I don’t have much hope he’ll respond in a satisfying way. I just hope he’s ok.

    How are you doing?

    1. Thlayli*

      Hey that sounds tough about your friend. Sorry to hear.

      I’m struggling with sleep a lot this week. My emotions are back to normal the pills are doing their job. I asked my therapist what’s the plan for me getting better and she said I have to make a list of the things that bug me in my life and come back in 2 weeks.

    2. Caledonia*

      You can only help people who want it. Hopefully your friend will reach in time and you can be ready to offer support.

      Yesterday was the first day in some time that I woke up and felt like I didn’t want to die. Today I still feel good (so far) so hopefully the feeling stays.

    3. LGC*

      Glad you’re doing better this week – and that it was a surprisingly simple fix! And congrats on the article!

      I’m curious as to why you’re retreating from the entire friend group he’s part of, though. More to the point, I understand why, but it seems like you’re mirroring his own withdrawal somewhat. It sounds like he’s not communicating at all unless prompted (although he’s being hostile when he does communicate). I mean, I do think you have the right idea – some people behave a little bit like wounded animals and attack when they’re hurting. And they need space. But I would definitely say that absent anything else you should still keep in contact with your other mutuals!

      One of the things I’m trying to teach myself is that I literally cannot fix everything and everyone, and that’s fine. No one can. (I mean, Elon Musk seems like he’s trying, and I have Thoughts about that. But that’s an entirely different weekend post.) We’re always expected to Do Something when there’s Something Wrong, but…as Caledonia pointed out, it’s a two-way street – he has to want help before he can accept it. I’m hoping your friend makes a full recovery, but he’ll come to you when he wants to. And that’s frustrating, but that’s also been my experience – with friends like that and with being the friend like that.

      (I also saw your post on the work open thread – I hope you got through the week all right.)

  87. Nervous Accountant*

    After my weekly target run, I just spent most of the afternoon in bed. I hate it b/c to me, not wanting to get out of bed = depression. Anyway, I took 2 xanax and just slept/lay in bed.

    So just random things from the week..

    Leg pain was bad one day, so on my way to work, I went to Starbucks. The line was stupidly long, and I sat down on the bench. Kept sliding as hteline moved. A lady came and I stood up. And she said “hey its OK if you want to sit, I’ll hold your spot. You look like you’re in a lot of pain” I almost cried at hownice she was. Funny enough, walking there, I was all up in my thoughts and feels right before at how ppl can be such assholes (notig happened to me, just random thoughts).

    I haven’t checked my weight (laziness) but my husband said I looked smaller, he’s the harshest critic. So I’m doing something right I guess.

    The day of dr appt, I was running on empty. By the time I got out, I was ravenous but I no longer had that shaky, hangry I will eat the whole world feeling. I automatically went for the salad, and was super proud of myself for that.

  88. CanadianUniversityReader*

    Hi Everyone,

    I’ve decided that I want to start making my own clothes and get back into sewing. I am a bit more than a beginner sewer but by no means an experienced sewer. I’m looking for books or websites/blogs, etc. to get help me get started.

    Thanks for the help!

    1. HannahS*

      *cracks knuckles* I’m so ready for this.

      Blogs and Books:
      If you just read one, I’d say Lladybird is great. She’s often educational, and her output is unbelievable. She’s been doing it for a while, and has sewed pretty much every major indie pattern release of the last decade. She’s also one of the few bloggers I know of from the heyday of blogging that’s still going strong. If you’re plus-sized, check out the Curvy Sewing Collective for reviews by plus-sized bloggers. I haven’t found any really great reference books, myself. My hometown library had a TON, and I generally found them pretty interchangeable. The Threads Sewing Guide is probably among the most comprehensive that I’ve seen. Beware of ones that focus on home decor sewing skills–you don’t need to learn ten ways to make pleats, you need instructions on how to attach sleeve cuffs.

      Pattern selection:
      Since you’re looking to make clothes, I would suggest picking a pattern for which there is a sewalong, where someone gives a much more detailed look at the steps of what’s being made. Often, indie pattern designers will have them. A good example is–you want to make your own t-shirts? Well, it’s a bit expensive, but the Renfrew top by Sewaholic is really popular, and there’s a sewalong for it. Also, if you type it in to google (or even add “hack” on to the search term), you’ll be able to see hundreds of them on a variety of bodies. If you’re someone who feels comfortable sewing a t-shirt with only basic instructions, you can download a cheap or free pattern somewhere. My default t-shirt pattern is the freebie Tonic Tee from Skinny B*tch Curvy Chick. If you use patterns from larger companies, be aware that the sizing is sometimes really off. Check the finished garment measurements. Whenever you choose a pattern, google it or plug it into instagram and see what it actually looks like made up and if people enjoyed sewing it.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I’m the kind of person who needs to understand the big picture in order for step-by-step instructions to make sense. Otherwise, I get lost.

      So I’m a big fan of the book “Bend the Rules Sewing” by Amy Karol. She’s the one who finally got it through my stubborn head that pressing and clipping as you go are actually important to the final result. She does a great job breaking down how things work together and why. Her blog is Angry Chicken, but it’s about all kinds of crafts, not just sewing.

      Another blog I like is at the Colette Patterns site. They have a lot of sewalongs. Some of them are for advanced detail/finishing techniques, but there are also a good amount for learners.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      There are also plenty of blogs on how to make your own pattern using existing clothes that you like the fit of. I like AllFreeSewing for the variety – it sends daily emails with about 50 links to various free sewing projects and tutorials, about half clothes and half household projects and crafts. I’ll find blogs that I like from the links and check out their other projects, especially if the bloggers have body shapes similar to mine.

      I don’t use premade patterns but do make my own informal patterns on freezer paper, because it can be ironed directly on to most fabric and makes fabric cutting really easy.

  89. teapotcleaner*

    My cat got scratched in the eye. I’m giving her atropine drops from the vet and ointment as well as pain meds. Due to these meds she has been acting wierd. The vet said she is blind in that eye. I don’t know if it’s irreversible? And he said if she doesn’t get better she will lose her eye

    1. Aphrodite*

      I am so sorry to hear that. Rest assured that even if she has to lose the eye your cat will adapt very well. Still, I know you love her. I am sending you and her my best thoughts and wishes!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      In humans the eye is the quickest healing part of the body. If the same is true for cats then you will probably see this problem move along, it won’t drag out for months and months.
      I have given my critters vitamin A for their eyes. Maybe this is something you could try?

      Worst case scenario, animals are amazingly adaptive. I have seen a few dogs and cats who are missing one eye and they were doing fine without it. They adapted better than human beings and went on with their lives.

      I hope your kitty starts doing better very soon.

      1. Red Reader*

        Yep, one of our cats had an enucleation due to recurrent herpetic infections, we were having to give her eye drops and ointments and stuff three times a day and we hated it and she hated it and finally we said look, wouldn’t it be easier on all of us if….? She was technically a foster; we were in the process of adopting her but the shelter couldn’t finalize the adoption until she was off all medications, so it was ultimately their call. After the third type of meds, they were like “Yeah, no, we think you’re right.” A week later, she was home, now named Captain Kyna Whitepaws SCOURGE OF LAND AND SEA, and while I’m pretty sure they accidentally took her brain out with her eye (because she is seriously the goofiest dumbo of a cat I have ever seen), she’s sweet and cuddly and totally fearless and an expert at pouncing six inches to the right of where that fly is. :) and in the two and a half years since the surgery, she’s never had a herpetic outbreak again.

        1. teapotcleaner*

          Thank you every one. I am still in shock about the eye and probably having it taken out of my cat. I am slowly going to come to terms with it. I have been really focused on trying to give her the meds. So far I’m missing many doses. She absolutely hates the medicine and won’t take the pain medicine by mouth. She also won’t stay in the house or come to me. Her furry sister dog is worried as well but giving her space.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Have you tried Pill Pockets? They make it so much easier if she’ll eat them. (They’re these soft treats that you hide the pills inside of.)

  90. Juli G.*

    Straws are a big part of our house for a variety of reasons. I would like to use reusable ones but… every time I buy them, they make it 4 or 5 uses before they get mold in them and I have to trash them.

    Any types? What am I doing wrong? I would like to do my (minor) part for the earth.

    1. KR*

      There are straw cleaners you can buy. They’re little flexible long brushes. Changed my life and now my reusbale straws last forever.

      1. Juli G.*

        Had no idea – just found a set for $4.99 on Amazon that’s well reviewed. Thanks!

    2. Fellow Traveler*

      We have the Kleen Kanteen stainless steel straws, and they’ve been great. I like that they have a silicone tip because I am a straw biter. The straws come with a bush to clean them, though I prefer the brush that comes with the OXO water bottle cleaning kit.

      1. Juli G.*

        Thanks for the recommendation. My youngest is a straw buyer and if less of our straws molded in the first two weeks, he’d ruin a lot of them.

    4. Birthday girl*

      I have both glass and stainless steel straws, and I love them! They give a sense of luxury, I think. The glass straws are easier to clean because you can see the inside, but I love using the metal ones for cold drinks because they make them seem colder. Both sets came with cleaning brushes, but I rarely use them. I haven’t had a problem with mold, and I think the trick is to wash them immediately after use with a little drop of dish soap.

      1. Red Reader*

        I just put my stainless steel ones in the dishwasher, if that’s an option. They came in a pack of 8, so I just switch out every couple of days.

        1. Yetanotherjennifer*

          I hate to say this, but they’re probably not as clean as you think. I normally wash mine in the dishwasher, but I bought a brush and washed a few freshly dishwashed ones…they were nasty inside. And if you think about it, there’s no real way for the soapy water to get to the inside of the straw so the dishwasher is just washing the outside.

          1. Red Reader*

            Fair. I neglected to say, I also hit them with the brush while I do the pre-dishwasher rinse, I’m fussy about rinsing. (Housemate: “Why do we have to wash the dishes before we put them in the dishwasher?” Me: “Just use the brush to get the cocoa sludge out of your mug please.”

    5. Jen Erik*

      My brother gave us a bamboo set for Christmas, and they’re still fine. They came with a cleaning brush, so I sometimes use that, and sometimes they go in the dishwasher.

    6. LilySparrow*

      We just bought a set of stainless steel ones on Amazon. Don’t remember the brand, but it came with a couple each of long straight, long & short pre-bent, and wide for smoothies. Two brushes were also included. We’ve been using them about 2 weeks with no problems so far.

    7. Nacho*

      I’ve got some stainless steal straws that never get moldy. Just wash them like you would silverware.

  91. Fellow Traveler*

    What resources do people recommend for balanced journalism? I’m realizing that my diet of NPR and NY Times is left leaning (as am I), and I’d like to balance it out so that I’m not consuming only one news narrative. Looking for print, radio, even podcasts to help me think outside my liberal bubble.

    1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      BBC is good, I know several people who consider NPR too left-leaning use BBC as their main source of news.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        As a Brit, the BBC is a lot more biased/ selective about what they report than they used to be…..

    3. Thlayli*

      Reuters and al-jazzeera are also pretty good. I’ve heard Reuters doesn’t even use the word terrorist because they believe so strongly in not taking sides and the value of neutral news. Don’t know if that’s true tho.

      1. nep*

        Interesting chart. (I don’t see Financial Times–or perhaps I’m missing it.)
        CNN and USA Today ‘better than not reading news at all.’ Ha.

    5. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      The Economist is more fiscally conservative, and they cover a lot more foreign news. However, I’m not 100% sure what they offer for cheap or free (I have a digital subscription, which is $12.99/month), if cost is a major concern.

      I saw a cool graphic a few months back that captured where a wide variety of audio and print news outlets fall (generally) in terms of center, left- or right-leaning. If I can find it again, I’ll post a link. (Or if someone else finds a link, please post!)

    6. Mimmy*

      I typically stick with network broadcast news, mainly CBS. To me, they’re usually good at presenting the facts and considering multiple perspectives. I don’t stray much outside of that, so I too am interested in sources that don’t try to sway you in one direction or another.

    7. Earthwalker*

      Washington Post has traditionally been right leaning. I read them as a balance to the NYT. They are currently venting a certain amount of disgust with the president but they strike me as thoughtfully conservative still. It’s hard to find sensible conservative news sources in the US among all the Fox News-type organizations. Foreign sources have less material on US events but many are more even-handed than most US sources.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        Yes! “Thoughtful/sensible conservative” is what I feel is missing from my media diet. I agree, re: Post. The Washington Post happens to be our local newspaper. One frustrating thing, though was during this last round of elections, I found it really had to find any information on Republican candidates for Montgomery County.

      1. Chaordic One*

        My local paper just laid off a whole bunch of their reporters, and they didn’t do that much local reporting anyway.

    9. Bolshie Buckley*

      Most of the people I know think of NPR, the NY Times, and MSNBC as being socially liberal, but pro-corporate, pro-business and pro-status quo. We listen to live-stream internet radio and podcasts from the various “Pacifica” network radio stations. The Pacifica Network produces the lefty news report, “Democracy Now” which is broadcast on a lot of public TV and radio stations and which is also available as a podcast.

      Also magazines such as “The Nation,” “The Progressive Populist,” and “Mother Jones.”

      Websites such as “The Guardian,” “truthout,” and “Reader Supported News.”

      If find a few reporters that you like, you can google news reports featuring them on “Youtube.” There are even a surprising number of actual news programs being broadcast on “Youtube.”

      The late Gore Vidal always said that the Wall Street Journal had solid reporting and that he considered it the paper of record, but that too often the reporting was relegated to below-the-fold and to the back pages. He also said that you should never mistake their editorials and the writings of their columnists for reporting.

  93. Effie, who gets to be herself*

    Well, I met my metamour.

    I feel completely wiped. I’m not sure how it went. I liked her, and she was pretty quiet. It felt a bit like pulling teeth. I feel like I talked too much, and that I didn’t get to know her at all, which I am super bummed about. I also feel like it went better when the person we’re both dating (who is her primary) wasn’t there (ie when they went to grab food/restroom/etc it felt more relaxed, and as soon as they returned it became a bit tenser). I was lit up and bubbly and sweet for a few hours, which is exhausting for me.

    I did my best, and I have a date with the person we’re both dating tomorrow, so there will be opportunity for a post-mortem if desired. I called a good friend after the meeting, so that was nice, and I treated myself to a pizza for dinner, which was sadly disappointing – too creamy. Currently snuggled on a couch listening to music that I like.

    1. Penguin*

      Good for you! It can be hard, there’s so much uncertainty… but you did it! That’s not a small thing. Hopefully with time you and she will figure out what your metamour relationship looks like and it will become more comfortable. Maybe you’ll both even try spending time with each other, to learn what the other is like without a third person around. Not immediately, just eventually. :)

      Congrats on getting through it!

  95. Loopy*

    This has come up before in general so apologies for rehashing a topic. This morning I was walking my leashed, harnessed dog and a loose, bouncy sweet golden retriever bounds right up to us- no caution on approach, no checking my dogs body language. The owner following behind at a leisurely pace.

    My dog just doesn’t like other dogs in his personal space- especially if they are not leashed and he is. It makes him super nervous and reactive. We are absolutely fine if the other dog is leashed. He will sit next to me and wait while the other dog passes. He doesn’t like it, but he knows (after years) that’s just how it goes. So we have trained him and he does well when the dog is not bouncing around freely right in his immediate personal space.

    But I’m developing severe walking him anxiety due to unleashed dogs. I’ve tried different routes, early times, there seems to be no magical place/time where this isn’t occasionally a problem. We never go to public places like parks or crowded pedestrian areas- just trying to walk around a neighborhood. I get severely stressed out from these encounters even when nothing happens- almost always the other dog approaches very quickly and gets *very* close (usually in a playful manner but still). When I have to let the other owner know my dog is not dog friendly and they need to leash their dog, it furthers the negative Pitbull stereotype and breaks my heart. But if that dog had been leashed, people often compliment me on how well behaved my dog is. It feels so frustrating to be seen as the bad guy/bad dog, when we’ve worked hard to have him politely sit and stay while other dogs pass.

    I don’t know how to get over my increasing anxiety and misery at the thought of walking him. It’s making his walks shorter and filled with near panic on my end. How miserable for both of us. I get frustrated when people suggest further training because it’s expensive and he is trained to a respectable degree. Is it fair that I am expected to shell out hundreds to get my dog to tolerate loose dogs jumping around his face when he is leashed?

    1. amanda_cake*

      I hate this. My parents live in a rural area with NO leash law. Taking their dog anywhere means that there’s liable to be unleashed animals running around.

      I don’t know what an easy solution would be, but I wanted to comment to show support. You shouldn’t have to train your dog to accept other dogs running up to him. You have been a responsible owner. The people with the dog running loose have not been responsible owners.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks so much. I appreciate the support because I’m always left feeling like I’ve failed somehow as a dog owner and people are judging me for not having a friendly dog or somehow making him okay with this scenario.

    2. nep*

      Keep your dogs on leashes, people! Damn, how tough is that.
      I feel your frustration, Loopy.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks so much, sometimes it’s really hard because other people with dogs that share issues like mine honestly just…don’t walk them :/

    3. Lcsa99*

      I honestly don’t think this is on you, and you shouldn’t be punishing yourself or your dog for these situations. It sounds like your dog is exceedingly well behaved except in situations where the other owner isn’t being responsible.

      Why should you be the one responsible for these unleashed dogs? Yes, it’s your dog reacting to them, but ONLY because the other owner isn’t as responsible as you are.

      1. Loopy*

        I totally appreciate this logic, but it’s anxiety inducing nonetheless. And even in one case where something did happen, even though we were in the clear, I couldn’t help but feel horrible about it. I love dogs, so I’d hate to see a bouncy, happy, sweet dog hurt because the owner didn’t leash it.

        My anxiety just doesn’t listen to reason and so on walks I’m constantly tense and on the look out for loose dogs. I miss enjoying long walks with my pup.

        1. Lcsa99*

          Anxiety never listens to logic.

          Just try to focus on your dog and how happy he is on longer walks, rather than what’s around you two. Keep in mind that your dog probably picks up on your anxiety. Most pets do! If you try to use a little tunnel vision and focus on the good parts, it might help shrug off the rest, or at least reduce it a little.

        2. Ali G*

          I assume you have leash laws where you live?
          2 things you can do:
          1. If you have an online community group (NextDoor or Facebook or something) you could post something nicely worded reminding people about the leash laws and that not all dogs like to be approached while on leash, etc.
          2. You could call your local non-emergency police line and tell them how often this happens and you are worried about someone or their dog getting hurt. Ask them to come out to the community and talk to people about the fines/liabilities for letting their dogs offleash. A lot of people don’t know that regardless of who’s dog “started it” the person who broke the law by allowing their dog offleash is liable for all damages (whether to property or person).

          1. Loopy*

            I’ve briefly thought of a post but I’ve seen friends have terrible online experience in those neighborhod groups over even less (like people going too fast down streets or noise) where fights break out and people get nasty- even though they are neighbors in real life, something about the online platform makes it prone to drama from what I’ve seen.

            Because most people have seen me walking my dog and he is the only pit in the neighborhood I am way too nervous that it will become a circus and the pitbull factor will get brought up by someone. My anxiety skyrocketed at the thought.

    4. Annie’s mom*

      Holy cow, this same thing happened to me on Thursday, right down to it being a golden retriever that was off leash. The diff is, my girl is little (10 lbs) so I was able to pick her up. As the dog was dashing towards us, the lady yelled, “It’s ok, he’s friendly.” Which I then yelled back, “Mine’s not.” Seemed to throw her for a loop momentarily. Basically, her dog ran around us for 10 minutes while she tried to convince me that he was nice and wouldn’t hurt Annie. I was able to put her down, and like your dog, she sat by my feet. But she didn’t want a dog 6x bigger than her, in her face. We worked with a dog trainer when we adopted Annie, so I’m much more confident in these encounters than I used to be.

      Here’s the key— you need to advocate for your dog. He is depending on you for that. I told this woman flat out, in these exact terms that: a) dogs should not be off leash unless they are under complete control, meaning good recall, and b) yes, her dog was friendly, but my dog is not a bad dog for not wanting to meet on leash. I’m sure this lady walked away from this encounter thinking I was a word that rhymes with witch— but I could care less. She’s the rude one, letting an untrained dog running around, regardless of how “friendly.” I still find it a little uncomfortable to say these things flat out, but it gets easier each time.

      You don’t need to do more training. Your dog is behaving. The hard part is, figuring out how to block those dogs from getting in your dogs face. If anything, that would be something I’d ask my trainer abt. I was thinking maybe a water bottle, that you could spray water at them if they get too close, but not sure… I do throw out the “My dog trainer says x” to these sorts of people. Then if they start to argue, or explain why it’s ok that there dog is doing this bad behavior, I say, “that’s fine, but I’m going to continue to listen to my trainer.”

  96. MatKnifeNinja*

    A big thank you to the person who recommended Unf*ck My Habitat for getting organized. I downloaded the app and bought the ebook, and I never buy ebooks. :)

    Between the book and app, I’m slowly trashing the clutter. It helps having the app AND the ebook on my phone. I’ve tried other systems, but for whatever reason, this one seems to click.

    Bulk of my issue is the marathon cleaning which never lasts, and my Navy dad who used cleaning as punishment. Our down time was cleaning. It had to be absolutely, positively perfect. If it wasn’t perfect he’d, hover screaming until it was done to his satisfaction. That started at for me at age 4.

    That was a big realization for me.

    Anyhoo! Thank you again. Your kind suggestion has really changed my life.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      That’s so great to hear! I wasn’t the one who suggested it, but I asked a question about apps/websites to help with cleaning in an open thread a couple weeks ago and also really appreciated that suggestion. Becoming more of a minimalist over the past couple of months has been life changing for me as well. I feel so much less anxiety with a clear, cleaner living environment without stuff everywhere and also no longer feel the need to “keep up” with others (and the accompanying feelings of jealousy when I can’t). Donating things to those less fortunate has also made me appreciate and feel content with what I own and like much more as well. I think my bank account will show excellent improvements with this lifestyle change.

  97. nep*

    Fighting the misophonia to listen to Khan Academy HTML and CSS tutorials.
    AAAAAGGGGHHH.
    Breathe.

    1. Mimmy*

      What about the tutorials is making it hard to listen to? I too have major misophonia, so I emphasize!

    2. tangerineRose*

      If you’re looking for free ways to learn HTML and CSS, you might also consider library books. I know it’s old school, but some libraries have pretty good technical books, and they’re quiet.

      1. nep*

        Absolutely–I’m looking for the books (Craigslist, friends, library). The Kahn classes also provide transcripts of lessons.
        I do like seeing the work being done live, though, so I’m also work on tolerating the keyboard noise.
        Thanks.

  99. KR*

    Husband and I are on season 1 of Fargo. So good. Made plans to hike part of San Jacinto today and was so excited but woke up extremely dehydrated and sick feeling. Our house is so dry we can go to bed fully hydrated and wake up with dry mouth and headaches. My lips are so dry they’re cracking. We have a cold mist humidifier but I’m going searching for a better warm mist one online today.

    Also the elderly puppo with a heart murmur has his cardiologist appt either this weekend or next weekend. He’s been coughing a lot more so I’m excited to get him in (closest dog cardiologist is 2.5 hrs away and booked a month out). It’s becoming a nightly occurrence to need to get up with him and take him potty and urge him to drink water (the walking and moving makes his coughing slow or stop). Any parents of dogs with heart disease have advice for us? It’s a persistent dry hacking cough that makes it sound like he’s been smoking for all of his life.

    1. Ali G*

      My ~12 year old mutt was just diagnosed with a heart murmur. He’s on Vetmedin and we go back in November for a recheck. So far mine hasn’t developed a cough or any other symptoms (we only found out during his annual wellness check).
      The cough you describe sounds exactly like the description my vet and the cardiologist said to look out for, so good thing you are getting him in soon. If he’s not on meds yet I suspect the cardiologist will prescribe the Vetmedin. It’s not cheap, but you can get it at Costco, regardless if you are a member. We don’t have a Costco around me so I order it from Foster’s and Smith and get a little discount by signing up for subscription service.
      Good luck! I hope it works out for your pup.

      1. KR*

        He’s had the cough for a year or so and it took me videoing the cough and showing the vet for them to realize it was a heart cough and listen closer to find the murmur. He is on meds now to hold him over until the cardiologist, thank you. It’s so hard when they can’t tell us what they’re feeling but I’m hoping this 12 yr old will hold up for a few more years.

        1. Ali G*

          Yes it’s rough. It’s really tough watching them get older :(
          One thing I forgot – my cardio also prescribed fish oil supplements. Also maybe bring up the dryness issue and see if that could be exacerbating the problem? I’m not sure if it could be connected, but it’s worth asking to see.
          I have heard good things about these types of humidifiers: https://www.hammacher.com/product/best-personal-humidifier?cm_cat=ProductSEM&cm_pla=AdWordsPLA&source=PRODSEM&gclid=CjwKCAjw4avaBRBPEiwA_ZetYqcSP6oJPaIB05Wti1oGcntR0HvDoK5TudP_o1ofJ82Plg0LgQQ4bRoCyWoQAvD_BwE
          A little pricey but if the dryness is causing problems maybe you can put one by where he sleeps.

  100. Cruciatus*

    Sorry to be all house talk all the time these days but this is what my main focus is lately! So I’ve seen a lovely house online and I’m debating whether to ask my realtor about it. But it looks like exactly what I want and is only 10 years old. A little further than I wanted to be from “the main strip” but is 6 minutes from my current workplace and takes 15 minutes or so to get to the main strip, but is close to its own grocery stores, restaurants, etc. So what’s the problem? It’s in a piece of crap school district. It’s about one block from a better school district! Gah! But I’m 37, don’t have children and am not planning on it at this point as I’m not dating anyone to even consider it. Is it completely foolish for resale value (which I’m not planning on doing any time soon)? If I ever do change my mind I’d have, what, 6 years before I’d need to move anyway (and maybe there’s another childless person/family out there who couldn’t care less about school districts). It’s the right price. It’s cute. It’s new. Neighborhood looks good (but I will of course look into this more). Close to work (and since we have miserable winters (snowiest city of 2017/18. Woo!) it’d be great to be right there.) And as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I am *not* finding “the one” in the areas I’d prefer to live. I’ve been looking for years now and this is the first in a long while I’ve been excited about–and was so sad to discover the crap school district.

    1. heckofabecca*

      Go for it!!! There will always be people who are looking in every district. Down the line, there will be a family w/o kids, or a homeschooling family, or private school, etc looking for a place where they will be excited to find a cute place in just that place :)

    2. It happens*

      You have no intention of using the school district. The price you are paying (compared to better districts) should be less as should your property taxes, and if and when you sell it the condition of the school district at that time will be a factor in the sale price. Of course all school districts should be well-funded and well-run because all children should be given the same opportunity to succeed. But for now you can buy a house with a good commute.

      1. Quikaa1*

        We bought a place in a really bad school district because we could actually afford a single family house with a yard in this pocket neighborhood . Neighborhood has gentrified, would be able to sell at a good rate of appreciation (more then if bought a small place in nearby neighborhood with great schools). We had a child, sent to neighbor school on district transfer. Lots of people like the idea of trading school district for space and good commute, near good shops, entertainment. Just be sure that the other factors outweigh the negative of the school district and your house has a good floor plan and other positives and then when it comes time to sell, you will find others attracted to same features that attracted you.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      No house has everything. It seems like this one has one bad point- the school district and a bunch of good points. I think you should check it out.
      When you go to sell, someone will be interested. You are interested now, right? So it will go. There’s all kinds of people out there with all kinds of priorities.
      You may have a bit of decision or shopper fatigue going on there. I know in my own life friends and family have been helpful with some decisions, “OH this is so YOU!” or “I can’t see this working for you because of A, B and C.” If your trusted person is not close by they can still look at the house online with you.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I didn’t even consider schools when I bought my house. At the time we were thinking that we might have a kid, but we were more interested in the things that made it a good place for us to live now. So I think that’s how I’d approach it, rather than worrying too much about the resale value (unless you know you’ll be moving again soon).

    5. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      The bad school district is already priced into the house, as it will be when you decide to sell. You won’t get as much for it as you would one block over, and while that’s a bummer you’re reaping the benefit of it now (which is great! you get a house that couldn’t otherwise afford, for a tradeoff that isn’t actually important to you!).

  101. Phoenix Programmer*

    Ugggghhhh.

    So I busted my tail to get my nephew “N” here to stay with me this summer. He’s 8. My sister has had N call every guy she has dated “Dad”. They have all been abusive and of course when they broke up no contact with N. My poor N harbors some serious issues against men and I can’t blame him but …

    I guess I did not realize how bad N’s feelings were. I thought he got along with my husband pretty well – as he always has when we visited. We have been married 5 years and visit N at least 1 a year more if I can manger. We have N for 4 full weeks and we are just finishing week 2. It’s been a nightmare! Week 1 was fine when I wasn’t working but hubby has been watching N when I work since then. Thursday and Friday of week 2 was full on awful. N is constantly antagonizing my husband. Throwing tantrums and generally being a miserable pill towards him. I never thought “miserable pill” would ever come from my mouth to describe N but its very much his behavior. He must have called my husband “mean” 200 times in the past 2 days. It would be comical if it weren’t tiring my husband out – it’s to the level that if I were to accidentally step on N’s foot I’m sure he would turn and glare at hubby and say “Why did you stomp my foot!”.

    Any advice? I’d love to have N stay with us regularly in the Summer – but not when he is treating my husband so disrespectfully.

    Anyone have advice?

    1. Collie*

      Honestly, this sounds like a problem that is way beyond what you can/should handle. It sounds like he needs therapy/counseling at a minimum and a stable home life — neither of which you can provide in the four weeks you have him. You could certainly try encouraging your sister to get the kiddo some help, but based on the info here, I’m doubtful she’d be receptive. This is such a hard and horrible thing. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing it, and for N, too.

    2. HannahS*

      I think you and your husband really need to adjust your expectations. He’s little. He’s seen your husband roughly five times since he was three, and so he may only remember the both of you two-three times, if that. Your husband, to him, is yet another man he doesn’t know temporarily taking control of his life for a short period of time. N’s not being deliberately disrespectful or miserable on purpose, and I’m not sure what you were expecting when you brought an abused child into the home of virtual strangers where he’s away from his mother. He’s scared and feeling abandoned. You can’t expect him to behave like a child from a typical environment. If you’re serious about having him stay every summer, you and your husband might want to read some information about parenting (or fostering/adopting, because that’s where a lot of sources will be from) abused children, why they act out, and how to help them feel better–and therefore behave better. If you want him to feel comfortable with the two of you every summer in the long term, both of you need to contact him more regularly during the year–weekly (or more) phone calls, skype calls, etc. so that he actually knows you both and trusts you. Investing in this relationship with your nephew is going to take a lot of work and commitment from both of you, especially since he doesn’t seem to live in a safe environment during the year. If you can make yourselves and your home a safe and stable place for him (which it sounds like is your goal), I think you’d be doing him an awesome and very important service.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Whoa you made some big assumptions. Virtual strangers who never call? No! I said we get to visit in person once a year. We talk and Skype regularly. N and I have a very close relationship and have since birth.

        Those visits were usually a week or more and N never behaved like this towards my husband ever. He’s also not behaved this way towards my sister’s boyfriends or male teachers. I am not sure how I was supposed to expect N to exhibit behaviors he never has in front of me or his mom TBH.

        1. Gaia*

          I don’t think you could have anticipated it, and I wonder if this is N’s way of thinking he is defending you? You say that you and he are very close, perhaps he is projecting his mother’s bad relationships onto you and your husband and lashing out because he assumes your husband is like his mother’s boyfriends? Sometimes these things can be very unpredictable. I do think it would help for you and your husband to discuss if this is something you can tolerate and accept (while helping to show N what a healthy relationship looks like) with him in your home. If not, having him there for long visits might not be best for anyone as I imagine N is picking up on the frustration.

          I know you love your nephew. It sounds like he’s had a very tough time for such a young boy. I’m sorry for all of you going through this.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          It might actually be a positive sign that he’s acting out in front of your husband. Kids tend to save up their bad behavior for their parents (or in this case, another adult they trust) especially when they have to be on good behavior most of the time. So it makes sense that he can’t misbehave around boyfriends who abuse him (or around his mother, who isn’t protecting him from the abusive boyfriends), or teachers who can send him to the principal.

          But he can misbehave to you and husband, because he knows you are providing a safe space for him to do that. Imagine all the pent up negative feelings he must have, being effectively trapped in his own house. It’s got to be such a relief to him to be around you! I mention in another post that my daughter, around the same age as N, has issues with emotional regulation and tantrums and constant negativity are how it manifests, and almost exclusively with us (her parents) or grandparents.

          I agree with LilySparrow (below) about being as calm and predictable as possible. Not giving in, setting boundaries and expecting better behavior, but being passive in letting him get it out of his system. There’s a book called “The Explosive Child” that had some useful advice for us. Also I think it’s great that his mother realizes he needs counseling and is trying to get it for him, hopefully she’ll keep at it. (Wouldn’t hurt her to get a session or two, at least to understand the importance of not making him call every boyfriend “Dad”!)

          1. Book Lover*

            I was going to say this, also. My kids are kind of terrible to me sometimes, I assume because they know I adore them and always will. He is not on his best behavior around your husband – it may be awful, but he is probably pushing boundaries to see whether he is going to be rejected or he is acting out because he feels safe.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Okay, I’m not a child psychologist or anything, just a mom who read every parenting book I could get my hands on to try and counteract a fairly dysfunctional upbringing. So take it for what it’s worth.

      My read on this is that N is deliberately pushing your husband’s buttons in order to find out where the “line” is where your husband becomes abusive. Not because he wants to be hurt, but so he can know what he’s dealing with and form a coping strategy.

      Kids feel extremely insecure in unfamiliar situations. They crave predictability. If N has been mistreated by every male authority figure in his life, then he (quite logically) believes that every man is going to react that way, sooner or later. And if he can figure out where the line is, he can stay safe. As long as he doesn’t know where the line is, he feels unstable and will keep testing.

      I’m not sure how to overcome this, and it probably won’t be quick. But if your husband can reframe it in his mind that whenever N is disrespectful/miserable/tantrummy, “Oh, N needs to feel safe right now.”

      I’d encourage your husband to set limits in a kind, calm, non-punitive way, with very clear rules about what is and is not okay, and what the consequences will be, like time-outs or “we have to leave the zoo if you can’t behave.” And then do everything he can to be reassuring, consistent, protective, and affectionate, particularly when N is being a pill (which isn’t easy, I know!) Basically treating N like an overgrown toddler: Correct, redirect, change venue, interrupt the pattern, control the environment and the stimulus instead of trying to “control” the child.

      He shouldn’t ignore or overlook bad behavior, but respond in a deliberate and thoughtful way rather than having an irritated or frustrated reaction. N is probably used to a pattern of ignore-ignore-ignore-WHAM! So a kind and thoughtful response right away is probably better, rather than allowing things to continue until your husband is really aggravated.

      Your husband has an opportunity to really make a huge difference in N’s life, for the exact reason that N is testing him now – he’s different, and N has no frame of reference for dealing with him. Best of luck to both of you, and I hope things get easier!

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Yes I thought the same re: testing boundaries to find out when Hubby will snap. There have been a few projecting events too – like N yelling “You hit my mom!” And aggressively taking a swing with the toy lightsaber.

        Hubby is super emphathetic and kind, but he’s human and getting tired. He’s had to take breaks in the evening by himself when I get home from work and it’s clear he’s miserable and when I talk to N he’s feeling all guilty and ashamed that he treated nice Uncle that way. He’s just getting worn down and I worry that two more weeks of this is going to be miserable for both of them with N spending a lot of time in time out and Hubby having to endure lots of antagonism/toddler level resistance from an 8 yo.

        It’s a tough spot to be in. We love N and we want to be here for him. Mom died last year and was N’s rock. She lived near him and he had a place to be away when things at home were particularly bad. Sadly I don’t live near my sister so there is not much I can do besides the phone calls and visits. I really thought that this visit was going to be something N enjoyed and got a break from a chaotic home. Like a substitute for losing grandmas house but sadly no.

        I also did not realize how bad the home life was. I and my sister grew up in a pretty abusive household with an alcoholic/drug addict father. I broke away from all that. Went to college and have a stable home with no yelling and definitely not physical hitting. Me and Hubby’s family don’t even believe in spanking! Talking with my sister she was unfortunately lying to me pretty severely. My talks with N have revealed he was the subject of physical abuse sometimes too which my sister assured me wasn’t happening and it sounds like the fighting/yelling of adults is daily which is not what sister had told me so I was definitely not prepared for how much damage there was.

        Knowing the circumstances though it’s not enough to have N taken away. I don’t have the ability to put him in counseling and although my sister has him in counseling its the free/low income kind and not very good as they apparently keep insuring my sister N is normal and doesn’t need any more sessions. She’s been fighting to get him more.

        Keep your fingers crossed for us! We want to be there for N but if the situation doesn’t improve for Hubby and N’s alone time it won’t be tenable to keep him for long periods in the Summer like this.

        1. Observer*

          By the way, I’m not surprised that the counseling is not going anywhere. I would bet the N never talks about what’s going on, his behavior etc. Odds are that in counseling he says exactly what the counselors expect to hear – and NO ONE is telling them what the kid is actually enduring.

        2. LilySparrow*

          Oh, the poor little guy. Yeah, kids do act stuff out when they are processing it. How awful.

          On a practical level, are there any kid playgroups or venues where your husband can take him where he can just physically wear himself out safely? That helps a lot. A.Lot. Huge.

          The pool, a splash pad, a beach, lake, or even a creek, an indoor gym, a kids’ hands-on museum…when we were in preschool ages, we’d do the rounds. Lots of places give day or short-term guest passes, or you might be able to find a Groupon.
          Also, it’s summer – lots of churches are doing VBS for a couple of hours a day.
          8-10 hours a day alone with any kid is exhausting, even if they have no issues and are on best behavior. Your husband definitely needs an opportunity to sit back and get some hands-off time while Nephew burns off some steam.

    4. Observer*

      I agree – regular calls, including video calls. With you AND, for a few minutes at least, your husband.

      He’s 8 and scared. He’s also probably closer to toddler than 8 in terms of development. Of COURSE he’s calling your husband mean! “You’re mean!” is the typical toddler response to anything they don’t like. And being scared and confused makes it much harder to handle stuff.

      Given the background you describe, being with your husband all day IS scary and confusing. How could it NOT be? But, I do believe that the suggestions made by HannaS and LillySparrow will make a huge difference.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        I am going to ask the regular calls line of questions to please stop as they are way off base. It was not uncommon to for N to call and talk to me for 5 minutes and Hubby for 50 minutes before our visit. They are not strangers. Repeat not strangers. That’s about all I’m going to get into on the internet though so please drop that line of advice thanks!

        1. Observer*

          I don’t think that your husband is a “stranger” to N in any real sense. And, while I did mention the calls before you posted your responses, I didn’t think that this is the main issue AT ALL. I’m sorry for mentioning it, because it’s clearly not relevant.

          I think that it’s inevitable that the situation is scary any confusing to N for a different reason. It’s because your husband is totally not acting like all the terrible men his mother has introduced into his life. So the reasonable side of him knows that Uncle Phoenix is not going to hurt him even though Aunt Phoenix is at work. But there is a part of him that probably can’t figure out WHY Uncle Phoenix would not abuse him in some way. After all, that’s what all the “daddy” men he has has in his life have done to him.

          It’s an incredibly sad thing that your husband’s behavior is such an outlier for him. But it means that as much as he gets upset, and yells and acts out, this is also an incredibly important experience for him. He’s seeing that man “guy who beats up people who are weaker than him”, and that a man can be a genuinely good person who not only doesn’t hurt other people but actually helps them, even when they are not being so nice. Which also tells him that no matter what the other guys tell him, no one “has” to beat him, and the abuse he’s been subjected to is not his fault.

          The really big problem is not whether this set up is good for N. From what you are saying, I believe that despite the stress, it’s still a useful experience for him. The real issue is how much more of this can your husband deal with? What you are describing is incredibly stressful. Is there a local resource that could help you find strategies to reduce the problem? Perhaps someplace he could go for a couple of hours during the day – giving both of them a break from each other?

          1. ainomiaka*

            I would say even more than “how much can your husband deal with?” How can you two continue to do right by this child? Having him over is absolutely the right thing. and I agree with the other people above-the nephew is trying to act reasonably in ways that he learned in totally unreasonable environments. Your husband too is basically trying to deal reasonably with a totally unreasonable situation. But I think the better question is- what does he need so he can get through this summer? What does he need to get through next summer?(though I do think if you do it every year, it will become more normal and less challenging as your nephew gets used to it).

  102. Collie*

    My cat has asthma (newly exhibiting symptoms and diagnosed in March) which requires a twice-daily puff from an inhaler — once every twelve hours. She’s great with Boyfriend and me, but is very afraid of almost all other humans. The ones she does tolerate do not visit frequently (so we have no idea what the common denominator is). We’re going to try a pet sitter to see if the cat will accept someone else coming in to give her the medication hopefully next weekend, but my expectations are low.

    When we have company, the cat hides (and does it well) and if we pry her out to try and socialize her, she fights like hell and escapes (fair enough). We’ve tried treats and Feliway (both the spray and diffuser) — while she likes treats in her day-to-day, it doesn’t impact her behavior around strangers/friends. She bolts when the doorbell goes off, too, and is generally a big old scaredy cat. We adopted her when she was 4 months old and to our knowledge, she never experienced anything traumatic with people. We worship and adore her — no abuse from us. We’re hesitant to go for anti-anxiety meds, though it something we’re aware of and will ask the vet about if we feel it’s that level. She likes catnip, but it doesn’t make her calm.

    She’s our only cat, and there’s a neighborhood cat (we think male, probably neutered) that wanders around. When he comes by “her” windows in the bedroom (we moved my dresser under one and placed an in-the-way-for-us stool under the other just so she could see out the window — it’s ridiculous, we love her), she flips out. I’ve never seen a cat react so violently to another cat. She screams, throws herself at the window, her tail puffs up to like four times its size (we call it traffic-coning), and I’m afraid she’ll hurt herself most of the time. If we approach the window to try to scare the other cat away (who looks quite a bit like her, just bigger), she often attacks us. At a vet clinic, however, I put her crate against another cat’s (with the owner’s permission). She was probably scared from the environment anyway (lots of dogs, people), but she didn’t react at all, really. So I’m not sure what’s up with that, but there’s more info on her demeanor if you find it relevant.

    We’re going away in August for a trip and plan to leave her with friends. I’m not 100% comfortable with this (what if she is so scared she doesn’t eat/poop during that time? What if she finds a hiding spot in their home and they can’t find her to give her the puff? What if, what if, what if?), but we don’t see a good alternative. The one time we housed her in boarding (yay bed bug treatment for nonexistent bed bugs), it seemed like it was a pretty awful experience for her. Without knowing for sure that a pet sitter can drag her out from inside the couch (seriously; she hangs out there sometimes casually and other times that’s where she’s hiding — I’m working on blocking it off but haven’t found a solution yet) or from under the bed, we didn’t want to go that route for the trip. She did stay with the couple she’ll be with for our trip for a day when we were treated for cockroaches. They were living at a different house at the time, and the cat was scared, but she survived.

    Then, it feels like every time I see her twitch just a little I’m convinced her asthma is back in full force and I get worried sick (literally, feeling sick) over it for days (it’s really bad…and especially this time of year as we approach the anniversary of my brother’s death and have other stresses — my anxiety usually isn’t this bad, and I’ve had a history of being on meds for it, but I don’t feel it’s the right move for my situation right now; I do have a secret weapon of literally just ten xanax I was prescribed to deal with infrequent panic attacks [usually related to my brother’s death]; I’m seriously considering keeping a few on me for the trip for when I get overly anxious about the cat]). All it takes is one bad attack and she’s gone, right? And she’s only four in September. Again: what if, what if, what if?

    So, two questions: Any other recommendations for getting her to chill around “strangers”? and How do I get myself to calm down and believe she’ll be okay at our friends’ place?

    Apologies for the length and thanks for reading!

    1. Ali G*

      Hi! A couple of ideas for you:
      1. When your cat goes to your friend’s place (or if you decide to keep her at yours) is there a smaller, secure room she can be in, rather than the entire place? This serves multiple items: she will actually be less stressed in a smaller area, you can get them the diffuser and they can start using before she gets there in the room, and it makes it easier to find her.
      2. If you can get her to take pills, I would definitely ask the vet about anxiety meds. I put it off for a long time with my dog and finally caved when I couldn’t control his anxiety and aggression with training. He’s been on them 1.5 years and he is a new dog. I actually feel guilty for not doing it sooner. He’s literally so much happier (and my husband likes being able to get up in the middle of the night and not worry about getting attacked in the dark). It’s not a cop out – they really could help you ALL be happier (and if she is less anxious you will be too – right now you are likely feeding off each other). My dog is on Prozac daily and has Xanax for “acute” issues (thunderstorms, strangers in the house, vet trips, etc.).
      3. She will be unhappy when you leave her for your trip, but she will survive! You deserve a trip and your friends wouldn’t agree to take her if they weren’t up for it.
      4. One thing you can do to reduce your anxiety while you are gone is discuss in advance with your friend about the cat needing emergency care – give them all the details, your vet contact info, how much they can spend before hearing from you, etc. Then, call your vet and give them your friend’s name and tell them you are giving them permission to make decisions for you while you are gone. This way, if something does go wrong, you won’t have the added stress of your friend not being able to get care for your cat if they can’t get a hold with you.
      Good luck!!

      1. Collie*

        Thanks!

        Yes. I’ve been pushing for the idea of keeping her in one room, but the friends (who are mostly boyfriend’s friends) are…reluctant. They want to play with the cat and so on, but I know that’s not gonna happen. She’ll just hide. Blah. I feel weird demanding it because (a) I don’t know what the setup of their house is yet and (b) they’re doing us a favor — I hate to be be like “YOU MUST DO IT THIS WAY.” (Even though I kind of feel like I have a right to…) Gah.

        She won’t take pills, so we’d have to do the liquid prozac (or try it, I have no idea if she’d go with it). We tried everything in the book when she was getting diagnosed and they tried her on allergy meds before it was decided asthma was the problem. Boyfriend is more reluctant than I am to try anti-anxiety meds. As someone who’s been on them, I’m not worried about it changing her — I know it’ll probably just make her a better version of herself — but he is. Working on that. (And also, frankly, concerned about cost — the asthma is already incredibly expensive and while I’m committed to her and caring for her, I also have to be realistic).

        Definitely planning on giving them alllllll the info about vets and emergencies. That’s a great idea about calling the vet ahead of time. I’ll be sure to do that.

        And thank you for the reassurance. I think that, most of all, is probably what I need, tbh.

  103. Free Meerkats*

    Here’s a picture of the what I was working on for the Worldcon costume today. The primary prop is finished, I’ll show it off at the costuming guild meeting Tuesday evening.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BlQ3J2Rlhaw/

    The sewing is finished, except for the pant hem; I still don’t have shoes figured out. Belt is finished, primary prop finished, presentation mostly figured out, blocking and lighting figured out, supplies in hand for secondary, nonessential prop. Still to do: find shoes, finish writing presentation, record presentation, attempt new materials and techniques on secondary prop, and practice, practice, practice.

    Four weeks until I leave, 5 until the Masquerade.

  104. Amadeo*

    Three dogs in the house that aren’t mine and I didn’t train. One decently behaved one, one ‘ignernt’ (as my mother says) one, and one terribly ill-mannered 5 month old weim puppy who has apparently been allowed to just do whatever at home at her house, who also came with a penchant for eating whatever she can put in her mouth (socks, shredded clothes, small toys, sticks, whatever) and two small children under five. With me, my mother and my father.

    I don’t know what I’m more annoyed with. My sister for not training her gotdanged dog, who is more than old enough to know the basic ‘sit’, ‘down’ and ‘stay’ trio as well as walk politely on a leash (she does none of these things, but I’ve at least taught her sit) or my father who feels he has to police how I help my mother look after the two kids but hasn’t done anything all weekend but sit on his ass in his chair on the computer while he does this policing of my activity with his grandkids/my niece/nephew. Dog may have eaten one of his socks because he didn’t take me seriously when I told him they needed to be picked up, don’t know. Guess we’ll find out. I am glad this dog is going home with my brother for the rest of the week because I’m tired of following her around to make sure she’s not eating or destroying or getting up on the counter.

    /vent. Just needed to get that off my chest.

      1. LCL*

        That is wonderful news. The cost to get a dog opened up for a foreign body removal, and the recovery of the dog afterwards, are really disruptive to a household. Weims are an odd combo of sporting dogs, yet Velcro. The breed started as a color variant of the German shorthair pointer. Hopefully your brother will be able to properly exercise her, it sounds like your household dumps all responsibility on you and that’s not fair.

        1. Amadeo*

          No, it was mostly split between my mother and myself, so I wasn’t entirely on my own, but keeping the pup in line of sight at all times is exhausting. I am also glad she vomited the sock back up, because I wasn’t sure she’d eaten it in the first place, but the whole thing looked highly suspect. I was really annoyed at my father for not taking my seriously when he was told he needed to put that stuff away. I took her out today and did some training with her just to slow her down. Bro and his family are pretty active so I’m sure she’ll get lots of walks in this week.

          1. Snazzy Hat*

            I really hope you informed him by picking up the sock with tongs and proclaiming loudly, “hey dad, I found your sock!”

  105. Anon Today*

    I did something really stupid and selfish and terribly offended a friend. I apologized immediately without prompting but I believe the friendship is now over. I do not plan to try and mend the relationship such that we may become friends again, but I do want to send a full apology letter completely outlining my thought process and owning up to how inexcusable my actions were.

    Do you think a letter like this would be well-received? As I said, I don’t expect to be welcomed back with open arms, but I don’t want them misunderstanding my motivations.

    1. Breakfast is the best meal of the day*

      I doubt it, honestly. If someone hurt me badly, enough that I was prepared to end the relationship with them, I wouldn’t want to read any such letter. It would seem self-serving in the extreme, and I would destroy it unread and think worse of them for sending it. You apologised already, let that be enough and don’t demand more of their time and engagement to understand your thought process.

      I hope you can find a way to process this for yourself, without involving them, so that you can feel better and move on.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        I think I’d want to get the letter. I don’t think it would change my mind (although without being there I can’t say for sure). But I’ve been treated like shite an awful lot in the past and someone a) realising, b) acknowledging and c) apologising for what they’d done would be quite a novelty and I’d appreciate being treated with respect.

        So, basically, it might be appreciated, or the letter might be shredded and posted back to you á la Breakfast.

        I think go with your gut. Maybe write it truthfully and then decide whether to send either that version or a less emotionally wrought version?

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Agreed. I’d want the letter. I’ve been in this situation in the past and a letter would have meant a lot to me (as long as it truly isn’t self-serving or excusing).

        2. Anon Today*

          Yes, this is what I decided to go with for now. I wrote the letter and have revised it numerous times and each time I get down to more and more truth.

          1. Breakfast is the best meal of the day*

            It sounds like the process of writing it is useful to you. That’s good. That’s valuable. It’s unlikely to be useful to the person you hurt though – why should they care about your “truth”? Use it as an exercise in reflection and self-awareness, sure, but I’d be really cautious about sending any such letter. It has the potential to add even more hurt to what’s already been done. Do they deserve that?

        3. Breakfast is the best meal of the day*

          But the apology has already been made, so adding the letter on top just looks like a self-serving at justifying their actions. The letter isn’t an apology really, it’s an attempt to explain and that is not something if ever want to read from someone who hurt me.

    2. Train12*

      I think it is almost impossible to give advice on something when there are no details provided.

    3. ShortT*

      If I were to receive an unsolicited letter outlining the thought process, that would make me even more upset. Leave your thought process out of it. If you can’t or won’t, leave your (former) friend alone.

    4. ThatGirl*

      The why probably doesn’t help them. It just makes you seem defensive. But it’s good for *you* to know, so that you can avoid doing it again.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t think a letter is a good idea. I would not do it. It could read as making excuses, which would only throw gas on the fire.
      A full apology, looks like this: “I am very sorry.”
      And that is it. It looks like you have done this already. To repeat this is just stirring the pot.

      We can’t control what others understand or misunderstand. And this is an important thing to keep at the forefront of our thinking. It’s a good idea to realize that this will happen a few times in life if not more. Additionally most people have “life stuff” going on so this is added complexity to almost any story. And finally some situations boil down to us, we ourselves, understanding what went wrong. Ironically, our own understanding of what and why is probably the most important thing to take away from a sad ending. Maybe it’s not the friend who is the one who really needs to understand, perhaps it’s primarily you. I have had a wake up call or two like this to some degree, and we can use it to shape ourselves in positive ways.

      1. Anon Today*

        Thank you for saying this. It made me cry, but it’s so true and what makes this more painful is that is something this friend always told me.

        “Think about why you did it so that you understand and can decide not to do it again. And don’t just be sorry, be better. “

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I got a little pang in my heart on reading this here.
          Yep. This is right.

          I’d like to point out that your friend knew this for a reason. She probably had her own version of events that made her think about this stuff. So now you just tell yourself that you are older and wiser for all of this.

  106. DoctorateStrange*

    I want to learn to sing but I am finding YouTube to be a little overwhelming. Any recommendations? I’m also open to sources outside YouTube.

  107. Call me St. Vincent*

    Does anyone have the Peloton bike? Is it worth it? What about other exercise equipment? What does everyone recommend? Thanks!

  108. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone watched Absentia on Amazon? I just binged the first half. I really think Stana Katic is an incredibly talented actress. She really sells all the emotions this woman is going through.

    Not sure how realistic the concept is, but I am enjoying it enough not to care.

  109. Anonymously*

    I feel nervous and hope to hear good news later this week. This past week, a friend was treated for gonorrhea. Now, (s)he’s waiting for the results of an viral load test for HIV. The results of that tests should take approximately three days.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Prayers, good vibes, warm wishes- which ever you would like for your friend.

  110. burnt*

    Feeling pretty salty right now. I know this will be a wall of text, so please accept my advance apologies.

    Back in January, my dad passed. They didn’t have any life insurance or savings, so mom lost the house. The sale was completed in June. Mom should be able to receive widow’s benefits in November but hasn’t had her appointment with the SSA yet. She’s been doing 1099 WFH jobs the last few years.

    My childhood was shitty. I used to put this squarely on my dad, and saw my mom as a victim of his narcissism and abuse. When dad died, I asked her to come up and live near me, and said I would assist her getting back on her feet. I wanted to spend more time with her while she is healthy.

    Well she came here, but didn’t put any serious effort into finding a place to live. She couldn’t believe landlords want proof of income and affordable housing had waitlists. She refused to look at rooms for rent here or living in a smaller town nearby because they were “too small.” She rejected all offers of support I gave her (including cosigning for an apartment, attesting that I supported her to the tune of $1k/month*). She didn’t want to look for jobs that paid better so she could afford a place to live. She decided my town/state is awful and not good enough for her, and she would move back to south Florida.

    Well turns out housing in south Florida is 2x the cost of housing here, so she couldn’t find a place there. She then had the gall to ask outright if she could sit here until she gets her benefit checks. I said no because a) this is 1bed/1bath apartment and she’s on my living room floor b) her WFH job impacts my ability to use my own apartment because she’s on the phone with customers constantly c) I can be evicted with 3 days notice for having a visitor longer than 7 days right now. I was willing to risk it for a month or so to have her nearby, not 7 months.

    Now she’s found a place in a small town in Georgia that is not unlike any small town near where I live except that it doesn’t snow**… and she is visibly super fucking thrilled about it. But she’ll come see me frequently somehow. Even though in 12 years she’s come here twice (once when I graduated college, once because I had a surgery).

    I’m angry and hurt, but not surprised in the end. She never seemed that upset about being left behind or me spending half my childhood with my cousins… now I see the truth. I’m done.

    *I didn’t actually offer her cash assistance for various reasons, but I would’ve been willing to directly pay bills and I could foot this amount of support without hardship. It wouldn’t have been enough to save the house though.

    **She lived most of her life in areas that snow. I grew up in a place that snows.

    1. Ann O.*

      I’m sorry, but I don’t understand the issue here. It sounds like your mother is taking care of herself and found a place to live where she thinks she’ll be happy and where she doesn’t need financial support from you. Why isn’t this a good thing?

      Also, just because she lived in places that snow doesn’t mean she enjoyed it. Being in a place that doesn’t snow can be a big life improvement, especially since a lot of people get more affected by snow as they get older.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I think, I could have misread, but OP put so much caring into her mom and now mom is showing so much lack of care about OP.
        OP may have thought that now mom would be free to having a loving parent/child relationship with OP. And that does not seem to be happening. Mom has other priorities. Which can be an extension of mom prioritizing this abusive man during OP’s childhood. Something is always more important to mom than her kid.

        I am very sorry OP. I was not a priority with my mother either. Years of reading and thinking have left me realizing that I can be a good mom to myself. I can make sure I am taken care of and I feel secure. Other people cannot give us what they themselves don’t have. We can be our own Rock of Gibraltar in life.
        Again, very sorry.

  111. Environmental Compliance*

    Just found out that my knitted things I submitted to the local county fair won grand champion & reserve grand champion. Good first year! :D

    1. An.on.y*

      So cool! I haven’t had the nerve to submit anything I made to a county fair. I love looking at what other folks submit.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        Go for it!! It’s quite fun to go see what everyone made. Someone this year submitted this adorable crocheted squid that I adored. The Best in Show went to a thread-weight crocheted full size throw, which was gorgeous.

        Ours is apparently ran like Solo & Ensemble is – you get a comments & score sheet back, which I’m looking forward to. All of my items got ranked as 1st, so I’m curious to see how they score, what they look at, and how they choose who gets what. I have a ridiculously complex project planned for next year, so it’ll be nice to have some background to work with to polish up the details on it.

        If you submit, the worst that happens is that a whole bunch of people come by and admire your work!

  112. Anita-ita*

    I’m late to this convo but wondering if someone can help me out with book recommendations that are written in Spanish. Looking for a great book I can read that isn’t super linguistic or uses really fancy words. I prefer fiction books that are thrillers, suspense novels, books about murders/CIA/espionage/FBI. I prefer South American authors, as I’ve learned Spanish from Colombia.

    Thank you!

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